Transcripts/The Griffin Equivalency

==Season 2 - Episode 4 - The Griffin Equivalency==
Scene 	The apartment. Leonard is sorting out Chinese food.
Leonard 	 Let's see, Raj was the Kung Palo Chicken.
Penny 	 I'm the dumplings.
Howard 	 Yes, you are.
Penny 	 Creepy, Howard.
Howard 	 Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard 	 Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
Howard 	 That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny 	 Sit over there.
Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot) 	 Sit over there. Baby wipe?
Penny 	 What do you have....
Leonard and Howard together 	 Don't! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon 	 I'll tell you why.
Leonard and Howard 	 O-o-o-oh!
Sheldon 	 I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny 	 I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard 	 Why? Don't!
Sheldon 	 Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Raj (entering excitedly) 	 Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new... (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny 	 Gosh, Raj, do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I'll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard 	 Penny, you don't have to do that.
Penny 	 No, it's okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and... (indicates Howard) him, I'm better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj 	 She's so considerate.
Howard 	 So what's your news?
Raj 	 Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard 	 Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj 	 Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together 	 Well, wow, that's incredible.
Sheldon 	 Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj 	 Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon 	 If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj 	 It's pretty cool, they've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard 	 Oh, I'd so do her.
Leonard 	 You'd do the dolphins.
Howard 	 Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj 	 Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard 	 Poverty? Your father's a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj 	 It's a lease.
Sheldon 	 I'm confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj 	 Peer review? It's People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon 	 What people?
Raj 	 The people from People.
Sheldon 	 Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj 	 Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard 	 Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon 	 In general, yes.
Credits sequence 	
Scene 	 Sheldon's office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon 	 Oh, there's my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren't you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard) 	 Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon 	 Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard 	 Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard 	 Well, we’re going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon 	 Apologize, for what?
Leonard 	 Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon 	 I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard 	 You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon 	 Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard 	 Really, do tell.
Sheldon 	 How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard 	 Okay, let's try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon 	 I had not considered that.
Leonard 	 Come on.
Sheldon 	 I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard 	 He can feel sadness?
Leonard 	 Not really, it's what you and I would call condescension.
Scene 	 Outside Raj's office.
Leonard 	 And when we go in there, let's show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon 	 But I'm not.
Howard 	 Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I'm bigger than that.
Sheldon 	 Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard 	 Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard 	 Oh crap, that's terrifying.
Leonard 	 We’re here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Howard 	 Try less teeth. (Does. It isn't much better.)
Leonard 	 Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj 	 Hey guys, what's up?
Howard 	 We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard 	 Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Raj 	 It's very nice of you, I would like that.
Gablehauser (entering) 	 Hello boys.
Raj 	 Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehauser 	 Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard 	 Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser 	 Dr Hoffstadter.
Sheldon 	 Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser 	 Dr Cooper.
Howard 	 Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser 	 Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj 	 Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser 	 I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon 	 Well, you didn't discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard 	 Sheldon!
Sheldon 	 Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser 	 Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj 	 Really, you don't have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser 	 How about if I put you in Von Gerlick's old office?
Raj 	 I'd rather have Fishbine's, it's bigger.
Gablehauser 	 Done.
Howard 	 Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon 	 He gets a new office, I can't even get paper towels in the men's room?
Leonard 	 Sheldon.
Sheldon 	 Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser 	 Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other) 	 Science?
Gablehauser 	 Money.
Howard 	 Told you.
Gablehauser 	 And this boy's picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than... well, taller than you (ruffling Howard's hair.)
Howard 	 I have a master's degree.
Gablehauser 	 Who doesn't? Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President's dining room?
Raj 	 I didn't even know there was a President's dining room.
Gablehauser 	 It's the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj 	 Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard 	 You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon 	 Aaaah!
Scene 	 A restaurant.
Raj 	 So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot... have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?
Leonard 	 No.
Raj 	 It's fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They're going to digitally add a supernova, they say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon 	 Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj 	 Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard 	 They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling) 	 Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard 	 Not yet.
Raj 	 Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard 	 You just got him this afternoon.
Raj 	 Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard 	 A lackey?
Raj 	 Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon 	 Now?
Leonard 	 Almost.
Raj 	 Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard 	 Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj 	 Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon 	 There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper) 	 Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj 	 Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard 	 Gee, I'd love to Raj, but I can't make it.
Raj 	 Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard 	 Well, uh, no I... the... no.
Raj 	 Sheldon?
Sheldon 	 I can make it, but I won't.
Penny 	 What are you guys talking about?
Raj 	 Well, there's a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny 	 And you guys aren't going? I can't believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon 	 A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard 	 That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.
Penny 	 Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj 	 Would you like to go with me?
Penny 	 Of course I would, I would be honored.
Raj 	 Really? Cool.
Penny 	 Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj 	 Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can't believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon 	 Now?
Leonard 	 Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj 	 Hey, buddy. I'm going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round) 	 Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.
Scene 	 Outside Penny's door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny 	 Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj 	 I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny 	 Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren't you?
Raj 	 It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you're getting ready.
Penny 	 Oh, I'm ready.
Raj 	 That's what you're wearing.
Penny 	 Um, yeah, why what's wrong with it?
Raj 	 Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny 	 Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you're gonna get.
Raj 	 Okey dokey, let's roll. Alright, it's time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs) 	 Hey Leonard.
Leonard 	 Hey.
Raj 	 Dude.
Leonard 	 You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together 	 Thank you.
Penny 	 Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard 	 Good night.
Raj 	 Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard 	 Yeah.
Raj 	 It's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard 	 Terrific.
Raj 	 It has more food too.
Penny 	 Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing) 	 I'm coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment) 	 Hey.
Howard 	 Hey, good news, you don't have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard 	 Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard 	 I'll lend you my user name, it's wealthybigpenis.
Leonard 	 You're joking.
Howard 	 Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they're just learning English.
Leonard 	 Pass.
Howard 	 So you're just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard 	 It's not a date, and that's racist.
Howard 	 It can't be racist, he's a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard 	 Let's just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon 	 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard 	 Yes.
Sheldon 	 Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard 	 Yes.
Sheldon 	 Brown rice, not white?
Leonard 	 Yes.
Sheldon 	 Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard 	 Yes.
Sheldon 	 Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard 	 Yes.
Sheldon 	 Thank you.
Leonard 	 You're welcome.
Sheldon 	 What took you so long?
Leonard 	 Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon 	 Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard 	 Alright, it's shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon 	 I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard 	 Sorry.
Sheldon 	 Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard 	 He's not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon 	 Then there's no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard 	 Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon 	 That's Northwest Texas, I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard 	 Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon 	 No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard 	 Lucky?
Sheldon 	 Yes, Lucky.
Leonard 	 He's irony impaired, just move on.
Howard 	 Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon 	 While others mourned Lucky, I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
Howard 	 So, not a puppy?
Sheldon 	 Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard 	 A griffin?
Sheldon 	 Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard 	 And mythological.
Sheldon 	 Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard 	 Sheldon, not that we don't all enjoy a good lion semen story, what's your point.
Sheldon 	 My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard 	 You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon 	 That's one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they're doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard 	 Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but, you're insane.
Leonard 	 That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon 	 Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard 	 If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard 	 And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon 	 He should share our love of technology.
Howard 	 And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard 	 Yeah, let's see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene 	 Raj's apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj 	 Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny 	 Yes, it's very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj 	 No, wait, the evening's not over.
Penny 	 Yes it is.
Raj 	 No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny 	 Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard) 	 Wait, wait, that's my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny 	 Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen)	 Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I'm not drunk.
Mrs. Koothrappali 	 Why would you say that?
Raj 	 Just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
Penny 	 I am not your squeeze. There is no squeezing.
Dr. Koothrappali 	 I can't see her, center her in the frame.
Raj 	 Here you go, cute huh?
Mrs. Koothrappali 	 She's not Indian.
Dr. Koothrappali 	 So, she's not Indian, the boy's just sowing some wild oats.
Penny 	 No, no, there's no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs. Koothrappali 	 What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj 	 What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr. Koothrappali 	 Look, Rajesh, I understand, you're in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don't want it for a steady diet.
Raj 	 Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs. Koothrappali 	 What's wrong with him?
Penny 	 I don't know, maybe it's the local cuisine. Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I'm going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you'd be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr. Koothrappali 	 She's feisty. I like that.
Scene 	 Penny's apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside) 	 Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak) 	 Sorry.
Penny 	 Oh, sweetie, it's okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 2 (The Big Bang Theory)