Juricksic Mort

[ Laughter ]
And in weird things in space
news,
that mysterious "rift"
is still there.
Not gone yet.
You remember that, don't you?
[ Groans ]
It's probably important.
Back to you, Tabitha.
Rick, Mom's working,
and Dad's still sleeping.
I'm... I'm... I'm gonna be late.
Yeah, yeah. [ Burps ]
I-I got you.
Here.
Holy shit.
I-Is the portal gun
working again?
Yeah, pretty much.
[ Roars ]
Sometimes that happens.
[ Spray hissing ]
[ Shrieking ]
Just get the keys.
It's actually been nice
taking a break
from the portal travel stuff.
I-I've been racking up a lot
of high-school adventures.
I have a process, Morty.
Huh?
I'm fixing my portal gun,
and every time you bring it up,
it blocks my creative flow.
A-And then I'm forced
to take longer on purpose
just to train you
to not bring it up.
Geez. Do you know
what "projection" is?
Do you?
No.
I-I-I heard Mom use it.
[ School bell rings ]
Lord, no.
He's here again?
Morty protocol, children.
[ Students scream ]
Oh, what's it now?
Brain bugs?
Space worms?
Have I been
"The Faculty'd" again?
You guys don't have to react
like this every day.
Last time, the aliens made me
lick all the toilet seats.
That's right... made me.
I see that look on your faces.
[ Rumbling, students screaming ]
What did you do,
ya tiny monster?
This isn't me.
[ Ominous music plays ]
♪♪
The people demand to know...
Do these visitors come in peace?
But first,
"Peter's Pizza Corner."
What slice we reviewing
today, Petey?
Cheese.
♪♪
If these aliens want Earth,
they'll have to go
through Egypt.
And they can ask mummies
how that goes.
Mummy mia!
♪♪
Dinosaurs are back?
Monkeys went bald?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Feedback whines ]
[ Man clears throat ]
Man: Shh!
Before we start...
where are the rest of...
us?
Uh...
They died. Uh...
Long time ago.
Way before us.
We didn't see nothin'.
But surely our ancestors must
have left some evidence behind.
Why is he nervous?
[ Grunts ]
[ Feedback whines ]
Because, uh, you're dinosaurs.
It's weird.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Thought you were dead.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Moving on, we "dinosaurs"
evolved here on Earth
until our technology
was planetarily harmonic.
That being the goal
with technology.
After we achieved perfect
balance with Mother Earth,
our best and bravest left
to help other planets.
Over millions of years,
we've called many worlds home
and helped each one flourish.
Imagine our surprise
upon returning home
to find our species extinct
and Earth now in the care of...
you guys.
When we left,
you were basically squirrels.
Well, uh, we've come a long way,
and we... We've buried
a lot more than nuts.
We've evolved past
nonconstructive criticism,
so let's agree
you've done your best.
You're still alive.
But surely there was some point
between gunpowder
and something called
Amazon Prime
that you folks had to think,
"Are we supposed to be
running a planet?
Wouldn't we rather make...
Marvel movies?"
How many Marvel movies
have you made?
29, and 14 more on the way.
See, you love doing that.
And we love helping new
life-forms get their footing.
So now that we're back, we can
respectfully take it from here.
Now, hold on.
If you've seen "Endgame,"
you know invasion
is not something
Earth takes lying down.
This is not an invasion.
Besides, wouldn't you like
to lie down?
Ugh.
You must be exhausted.
Put your feet up,
get more tattoos,
finish rounding out
this "Ant-Man" character.
Think of it like your Earth
concept of "vacation,"
except permanent.
I think I speak
for all world leaders
when I say that the poor people
would just murder us
if we made you leave, so...
[Clears throat]
welcome home, dinosaurs.
Man: Oh.
I could use a vacation.
Should we nuke them?
I'm on vacation, Curtis.
Well, you leaned into this fast.
♪♪
♪ Zuniceratops ♪
♪ Elvisaurus ♪
♪ Bambiraptor ♪
♪ Erectopus ♪
♪ Dracorex hogwartsia ♪
♪ Gojirasaurus ♪
♪ Vulcanodon ♪
♪ Sauroniops ♪
♪ Phuwiangosaurus ♪
♪ Those are
real dinosaur names ♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Buzzing ]
Ugh. I can't even pretend
to feel useful in a game.
This is how humanity's
story ends?
Relieved of duty and sat
at the kids' table?
I gotta respect these dinosaurs.
They dominated a whole species
just by calling its bluff
about wanting more free time.
They didn't even dominate us
because we're not worth
a fight to them.
We've become
biological Tyler Perry movies.
All they've done is help.
We didn't need their help.
We were not the problem.
This house recycles.
They sort it at
the trash facility.
What the "F"?
My dance videos
are getting,
like, zero likes now.
Oh, yeah. The dinos
kicked pedophiles off TikTok.
Great.
So now I'm broke?
You don't need money anymore.
So what's this for now?
Phone calls? Ugh.
Oh, c'mon, Dad.
You don't hate this, too?
Why would I? I-I was
already doing what I wanted.
I do think it's kind of funny
that you're all basically
Jerry now.
Fuck.
Jerry, how do you do it?
- Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?
- How do you do it, Dad?
Huh?
Together: How do you do it?
It's finally happened.
[ Mouse clicks ]
[ Mouse clicks ]
[ Mouse clicks ]
[ Mouse clicking ]
[ Mouse clicks ]
[ Laughs ]
All right.
Does anyone know how to
mail things to publishers?
[ Pager beeps ]
Uhp.
President only pages me
if it's an emergency
or he needs Molly.
[ Slurping ]
I'm sure glad
you stayed open, Beau.
Wish we could pay,
but no more capitalism.
[ Chuckles ]
I never make ribs
for the money, Mr. President.
Oh, um, here ya go.
That's not why I called.
Drugs can't solve this problem.
I can't live like this anymore.
At first it was fun
spending all day
watching whatever
YouTube autoplays
after the last one autoplayed,
but a man can only watch
so many ads for Grammarly.
Rick. Please.
You're not bound by morality.
Get rid of them.
Slit their necks.
Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers
for the good of the species.
I won't tell.
Help us go back to the old days,
where we pretend to fix
the problems we caused.
You think
I'm gonna side with you
over hyper-intelligent creatures
operating way beyond
your comprehension?
I have more in common
with them than you.
You pompous autistic cadaver!
You think you're above this?
I ought to...
Look here, Mr. President.
When I need my ribs
to be tender and delicious,
I pamper them.
See, if you give someone
what they want,
they'll give you what you need.
I'm jus' saying.
I see your point, Beau.
All right, Rick.
Ha ha.
Name your price.
[ Gasps ]
- Aw, crap.
- God damn it.
How often are you
"Westworld-ing" me?
Hang on. Rib-tips jammed
his folk-chip again.
Ol' reliable Rick.
Always k-knows what to do.
What do you want, Rick?
Trustworthy.
I won't stoop to answering
that again.
Honest.
You know exactly what I want.
I can't just snap my fingers
and get you that job.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for lunch.
Fine. Fine!
If you get rid
of the dinosaurs...
you can host the Oscars.
Yes!
Righteous R-Rick.
Straight shootin',
t-truth-tellin',
never wets the bed.
♪♪
Goodbye, old friends.
May you rest in peace,
rather than the tank
of an S.U.V.
Hello, fellow cosmic voyagers.
Can we help you?
Actually, I can
probably help you.
See, I'm technically human,
but I've come to be more,
you know, on your level.
We're fine, thank you.
Maybe I'm being too indirect.
I happen to dabble
in multiversal travel,
and I could probably zap
you guys to an alternate Earth.
We used portal travel eons ago,
but evolved to a one-universe,
one-truth policy as
the highest form of existence.
Sort of a "put
your own oxygen mask on
before helping others"
type of a thing.
Have you been on a plane?
Yes, I've been on a plane.
We have no problem
if you jump dimensions.
Although we sense your gateway
device is suboptimal.
Let us help.
I don't need help.
I-I'm here to help you.
What the hell is this?
A "Portal Pistol."
The gateways are see-through,
not a green swirl,
so now you can see
where you're going.
Clever girl.
If you'd like, we could patch up
your little interdimensional
rift too.
No, leave it.
I know how to close that.
That's there for a reason.
Very canonical.
Don't you just want it closed?
Morty, whose team are you on?!
It's normal to be frustrated.
Here.
Oh, my God, are you
fucking kidding me?
Goodbye.
No. Wait.
What the fuuuuu...
Aah! Dr. Manhattan high-road
assholes teleporting me?
Ah! I saw my bones!
Why... Why wasn't that painful?
They didn't even do it right.
My... My... My fly is down.
Your fly was already down.
What are you doing with that?
Rick, it was a better...
Nothing from them is better.
That thing had uptight Zen
snob germs all over it.
So, what, now you're
gonna fight them?
And prove we're violent
and stupid?
No. We're gonna find out
what they're hiding.
Only people who have really
fucked up in the past
have to virtue signal this hard.
Look at Sean Penn.
But, Rick,
aren't these feelings, like,
what they're talking about?
Like, life gets, um...
"programmed for competition
by early stages of evolution."
Like, amoebas have to
fight amoebas for energy,
but once a species can get
enough sugar from a machine
to give itself diabetes,
it's allowed to start
thinking beyond conflict.
I mean, it's all
in their pamphlet.
Morty, you're a genius.
I clearly mean that
in the '90s ironic sense,
but this self-fellating zine
is a treasure map
to every fossilized bone
in their skeleton closet.
They're gonna call us Laura Dern
because we're about to get
elbow deep in dino doo-doo.
Get it, Morty?
The gloves?
You... You remember
the big gloves?
Yeah, no, I get it, Rick.
I said "clever girl" earlier.
You didn't even react.
I was angry.
♪♪
Um, I'm looking for a few
of my, uh, friends.
Hmm.
Kinda look like the Skullfeet
that used to live
on our planet way before us.
They're long gone now.
Really?
They're extinct here, too?
Yeah.
We keep their bones
in that museum over there.
Um, wow.
These guys aren't
gonna be much help.
The leading theory
is, the Skullfeet
stepped on their own brains
so much they straight-up died.
Such a shame. Would have loved
to hear them sing.
Sing?
Yeah.
We figured they used to hold
huge outdoor concerts
in their land amphitheater.
You people are idiots.
Hey.
We didn't have much to go by.
Bones aren't big
on conversation.
Yeah, neither are you, pal.
The majestic Basketsaur.
Aren't they incredible?
We're even making a series
of increasingly terrible movies
about cloning them
in a theme park.
So what happened to them?
No idea.
But we do know they all loved
eating communal soup
out of the Great Dirt Bowl.
Starting to see a pattern here.
Breathtaking, aren't they?
It's a common misconception
that they roamed our planet.
The truth is, they rolled.
Street-style mostly.
Some vert.
Lemme guess.
There's a very large,
deep circular indentation
in which these "Grindasaurs"
used to shred.
We think they had
a second brain in their butt
dedicated to pulling 1080s.
Three planets visited
by dinosaurs,
three apocalyptic
meteor impacts.
Gi... Gi... Gimme the board.
I'm dropping in for data.
Aah!
Rick!
That's the hardest thing
in skateboarding.
Oh! Ow!
It looked so easy on...
Aah... "Pro Skater 3."
Oww.
[ Grunts ]
Hello.
Jackpot, Morty.
You still think the dinosaurs
got something to hide?
No, Morty, they have
a reason to hide.
Come here,
ya little whippersnapper.
No, Rick, stop!
C'mere, Morty.
Come on, gimme a hug.
No, don't touch me.
Your hands are greasy.
What's the matter with you?
It's become clear your species
is having a hard time
adjusting to
its reduced accountability.
Our solution is to hold these
regular keynotes, or talks,
which you used to launch
new phones and religions.
Uhp, I see someone's eager
to speak.
Hi. Um, what do you do
when you want to kill yourself?
You don't do that.
Thank you for asking, though.
Ver... Very important.
We recently discovered a new
piece of human literature
that we think
everyone should read.
Holy shit!
I'm a famous author!
Wait, where's my name?
We will distribute it
to everyone on Earth tomorrow.
Excuse me. Aren't you gonna say
who wrote it?
Nope. Whoever wrote it
must be above needing credit.
It's all here in this book
that belongs to everyone.
For free.
You Communist lizard scumbags!
I wrote that.
Me, Jerry Smith!
[ Air horn blows,
up-tempo music plays ]
Hey, hey, hey!
♪♪
Guess what.
Dinosaurs are not secretly evil,
and they're not out
to cause anybody trouble,
but it turns out trouble
has a way of following them.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's showtime.
Literally every planet
with dinosaurs on it
is eventually smashed
by a huge space rock
that takes out them
and most existing life.
What?
That can't be true.
It's all right to be frustrated.
Let me explain.
Why would planet-killing meteors
follow dinosaurs?
As these reptiles evolved
to higher and higher levels
of loving vegan godhood,
another life-form devolved
into an equally selfless,
hate-filled species
of barely sentient rocks.
They hurtle through space
and do as much damage
as they can to their chosen
enemy, which is guess who.
Yup, everywhere these dinos go,
these rocks,
they come a-crashing.
And this one...
[ Muttering]
is headed directly towards us.
And all of our work?
It was for...
Nothing. Bingo.
Welcome to life.
It's a big boat
with a lot of holes,
but we're all in it together.
- Oh, my.
- Ohhhhh.
Mm.
So much death.
[ Air horn blares ]
Congratulations, primates.
Looks like Earth could
have done worse.
Rick out. Oh.
And don't forget to tune in
to this year's Oscars.
Well, this is
a... a lot to take in.
I like trains now.
Okay, that hurt.
Man: Trains rule!
Dinos drool!
And you had no idea about
the disastrous meteors
that followed in your wake?
We just learned about it
like you.
Truly heartbreaking news.
But I assume you're gonna
destroy it
when it arrives here, right?
Um, we're in the process
of finding a solution
that, um, doesn't
involve violence.
Hold on.
You're in the process?!
[ Audience
shouting indistinctly ]
Well, there you have it,
Cooperheads.
An angry species of rock
is gonna slam into our...
Sorry... their planet,
and our new planet runners
are weighing
whether to let it happen.
[ Audience booing ]
I mean, no one knows if the
meteor species is even real.
No. It's very real.
We all know that.
You know what's real?
A rear naked choke hold.
I'll show you
- Hmm?
- What?
Final question... How we doing?
[ Sighs ] We have come
to the conclusion the only way
to ensure humanity will be safe
is for us to go.
We are leaving the planet
for good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ Exxon spilling the oil ♪
♪ Chernobyl blowing up ♪
♪ Asbestos in Montana ♪
♪ Atlantic City ♪
♪ Type 2 diabetes ♪
♪ Deepwater deeply blew it ♪
♪ Giant garbage island ♪
♪ And all the bees are dying ♪
♪ Fuck off and die-nosaurs ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Maybe it's the Molly,
but I fucking love you, Rick.
It's the Molly.
Isn't this nice?
Rivalries behind us, dinos gone,
two cool guys
living in the moment.
So, uh, like, uh [Clears throat]
you know what you're gonna wear?
Because...
I can't get another plus-one.
What?!
I'm the one who got you the gig,
you son of a bitch!
I feel this napkin...
Feel this napkin.
So soft.
Announcer: This is
the 95th annual Academy Awards.
Now, please welcome your host,
an old science guy
who got rid of the dinosaurs...
Rick Sanchez.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Suck my gray tits
Hollywood pinkos.
Where's the mic?
The... The... The raising mic?
Ha. [ Burps ]
Bring it up!
[ Feedback whines ]
Tommy.
Tom Hanks is here.
C'mon. Do it.
Come on.
Do ittttt.
Okay, okay, one time.
"Wilson!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm Oscar host Rick.
Grandpa Rick, this is so cool.
That microphone bit killed.
Yeah, told you it would.
That was all scripted?
Every moment at the Oscars is.
Even that one thing.
- Ha ha!
Look who stole themselves
a swag bag.
- Ah, fucking Sprinkles coupon!
- We're splitting that.
Hey, so I was thinking
it might be funny
to add dinosaurs
to the "In Memoriam."
Eh, it feels beneath us.
It's funnier that they left
and we don't even care.
Oh, yeah, they left, but they
keep begging for attention.
You haven't heard?
The dinos are just standing
up there on Mars
with their dicks
in their hands. So dramatic.
What, they're just gonna let
the meteor hit them a-and die?
Good. If being superior
to everyone makes you die,
I call that balance.
It's all in
my globally published book
the dinos stripped my name from!
Ugggh.
Oscars are over.
Where are my keys?
God damn it, I need
to fix portal travel.
And... And I'm going to.
I have a process.
♪♪
Our final act of kindness.
It's been an honor serving
the sanctity of life
with you all.
Hee-aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
[ Muttering ]
♪♪
Rick, what are you doing?
Standing here with you guys.
You don't want to do that.
We're sacrificing
ourselves here.
Then so am I. Y'know?
Elon Musk be damned,
we're blowing up Mars.
No.
We're doing something selfless.
You're doing it
out of pettiness.
How is anyone supposed
to know the difference?
Consider it a game
of virtue chicken.
[ Muttering ]
[ Shrieking ]
Okay, if you won't go,
we'll make you go.
Oh. Sorry. I-I dino-proofed
my tech to spite you guys.
Which further proves
selflessness and selfishness
are two sides of the same coin,
so what's the point?
[ Muttering ]
[ Muttering ]
Fine. Cool with me
that your final chapter
is dying on Mars
with an old dickhead.
[ Muttering ]
Hyaaaa!
Aaaah!
All right!
Welcome back.
You obnoxious little twat!
Yeah, but you're alive.
No David Foster Wallace-ing
in my galaxy.
You don't get to be so smart
that you remove yourself
from everybody.
From one god being to another,
you're welcome.
Well, as long as we're doing
each other favors...
Hey. Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
You fixed my rift?
You fucking hypocritical cocks.
I-It was all canonical and shit.
We coulda milked that thing
for a whole season.
O-Or, like, a three-episode arc
at least.
Sorry. That's just us.
We love helping,
god beings to god being.
Seriously.
I was gonna fix that.
[ Grunts ]
Shit.
They're coming back.
Summer:
Can we turn on the A.C.?
It's, like,
a thousand degrees outside.
[ Gasps ] Yes!
New follower.
Named...
CryptoForBareToes?
Not sure I get it,
but sounds like business.
Proud of you, honey.
Is Dad okay?
Yes.
I'm just...
writing my second book.
I don't know
what it's gonna be about,
but I can tell you
one thing... The title is
"Jerry Smith Presents:
A Book by Jerry Smith."
Chapter one...
Fuck!
[ Explosion ]
Rick: Morty, get your ass
in the garage!
Hoo-ha! Check it out.
A... A dimension where
hats wear people.
Mmmmm! Oh!
I did it!
I fixed portal travel.
[ Laughs ] Oh, shit.
Figured my guy
deserves a vacation.
Boob World!
You're damn right.
And it's Areola Week.
All right!
Good old-fashioned portal fun.
Yep. Like this.
Ohh! Whoa!
It's gonna be
classic episodes, Morty.
Oh, I'm gonna puke, Rick!
Portaling in.
Wrecking shit, portaling out,
Morty.
Oh, my Go... Adventures, Morty.
Aah! Aah!
Social commentary.
Crude characters. Here
we go. [ Screaming ]
Rick and Morty time!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
This is our home now.
We shall live out the rest
of our days here.
Never interfering with the ways
of the universe again.
We are content.
It was a good run.
Speaking of a good run...
I bet I could switch heel
onto that manny pad,
big spinout,
tre flip that gap, 5-0 the rail,
drop into the bowl,
stalefish into a Christ Air,
and then we get fucking wrecked.
Ho-ho.
It's on, Iguanadon.
♪ Grinding some rocks ♪
♪ Nollie the hubba ♪
♪ Goofy foot, kickflip,
take care of the groms ♪
♪ But you're
a bad little dino boy ♪
♪ And you're rotting
in a crater ♪
♪ So now let's make some noise ♪
Did you get any of that?
Category:Rick and Morty Transcripts