Commercial Reel - Jet Set Radio Evolution

"Commercial Reel - Jet Set Radio Evolution" is a high quality rip of "Commercial Reel" from Jet Set Radio Evolution. It is also a collection of fake commercials that aired during the JET SET RADIO - 24/7 FUNKY FRESH BEATS FROM TOKYO-TO livestream.
==Jokes==
Time 	Bumper 	Guest 	Transcript 	Note
0:00 	Metal Ajit Pai Political Ad 	Ajit Pai 	"The Internet is unsafe, unregulated, and out of control. It's time to stop letting our kids use the Internet for dumb, unfunny videos. Together, we can stop Net Neutrality. What we need is someone who knows exactly what people want on the Internet. Someone with charisma, a current sense of humor...and a giant robotic body. Someone who cares. Someone...like Metal Ajit Pai".
 "Hi. I'm Ajit Pai, and after my defeat in the King for a Day Tournament, I-I'm still fighting to end Net Neutrality. So, uh, yeah, uh...n-now, don't worry! You'll still be able to upload high quality Harlem Shake vids with your buddies back home. Uh-but now you'll do it with the, uh, safety of the FCC by your side. Got it? Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some, uh...dancin' to do."
[begins dancing to the Harlem Shake]
 "I'm Ajit Pai, and I approve this message."
"Paid for by the Commission for Metal Ajit Pai to End Net Neutrality PAC."	
1:20 	HOBaRT Teaches Typing Ad 	HOBaRT 	["Title Screen - HOBaRT Teaches Typing" plays as a mixer goes off in the background] "G'day! Are you an aspiring typist but have trouble learning how to type? Do you find the usual typing games too boring or would just like som'n different to stir things up? If those points ring a bell, look no further than HOBaRT Teaches Typing. Everyone's favorite funny mixer will bring you an experience that's sure to hit for six. HOBaRT Teaches Typing is available in stores near you, on June 31st, 2020. Don't miss it!" 	This skit is a reference to the HOBaRT Teaches Typing fake game.
1:53 	Grand Bill Heck's 	None 	"Fuck you, Grandiose!"
"If you're dumb enough to buy a new album this weekend,"
"You're a big enough schmuck to come on down to Grand Bill Heck's!"
"Bad rips!"
"Mashups that go out of key!"
"Joke thieves!"
"If you think you're gonna find an unironically good rip at Grand Bill Heck's,"
"You can nerf my ass!"
"It's our belief that you're such a low-quality motherfucker,"
"You'll fall for this bullshit,"
"Guaranteed!"
"If you find a better ripping channel,"
"Shove it up your granddad's ugly ass!"
"You heard us right! Shove it up your granddad's ugly ass!"
"Bring your dog!"
"Bring your metadata!"
"Bring your wife!"
"We'll bang her!"
"That's right! We'll rip Please Bang Your Wife!"
"Because at Grand Bill Heck's,"
"You're ripped seven ways through Sunday!"
"Take a hike to Grand Bill Heck's!"
"Home... of CHALLENGE RIPPING!"
"That's right, CHALLENGE RIPPING!"
"How does it work?"
"If you can make seven rips in a row, and NOT get rejected,"
"You get no down payment!"
"Don't wait!"
"Don't delay!"
"Don't fuck with us!"
"Or we'll rip your nutshack off!"
"Only at Grand Bill Heck's!"
"The only ripping dealership that tells you to Nerf This!"
"Hurry up, asshole!"
"This event ends the minute after you send your submission!"
"And the link better not be dead,"
"Or you're a rejected motherfucker!"
"Go to heck!"
"Grand Bill Heck's Rips!"
"Grandiose's filthiest and exclusive home—" 
"Of the meanest high-quality rippers in the Netherlands,"
"GUARANTEED!"	This is a parody of the "Big Bill Hell's" viral video.
3:09 	Prongles 	None 	[sound of munching on chips]"Hey, you! Havin' a bad time eatin' plain potato chips?"
[sadly] "Uh-huh..."
"Then what're you waiting for? Get powered up with some Prongles!"
[popping sound]
[Chiptune remix of "Meet the Flintstones" plays]
"Whaaaaaaa? (fades out)"
"Prongles! Once you pop, that's great!" 	
3:36 	DiaperGaming64 	DiaperGaming64 	[toilet flushes]
"Hear that? That's the sound of gaming leaks being flushed down the drain! And trust me, I'm no turd flusher, [echoes] I'm a turd fisher! That's right!"
["Won't Stop, Just Go!" plays] [glass shattering and explosion]
"It's DiaperGaming64 here, bringing you the hottest, smelliest, and freshest leaks, for the diaper of videogames! [1-Up sound] Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, you name it, [echoing] I'll leak it like diarrhea! To be the first to smell these hot new leaks, just subscribe to my OnlyFans! That's OnlyFans.com/DiaperGaming64! See you there!"	
4:07 	Free Rip For You, Max 	None 	"The following advertisement is intended for Max Profitt Haltmann only."
["I Am Here!!" from My Hero Academia plays]
"It's free."
"Real Estate!"
"We're giving you rips."
"It's free."
"We're giving you an album."
"It's real estate, free." 
"It's a free rip for you, man."
"This is free real estate!"
"Eh, well you gotta bring a DAW, But the rip is free!"
"Two sources, no clipping."
"It's free!"
"You get the link to your free rip!"
"We got you the real estate!"
"It's a two sources rip, it's free, it's got funny Grand Dad." [echoing] (GRAND DAD!)
I'm not carrying this around all day, it's for YOUR rip!"
"Free real estate, I'll take it back."
"Max, come get your damn rip."
"IT'S A FREE RIP!"
"Max, I got real estate."
"Max, does it get better than this?"
"Max!"
"THE RIP IS FREE!"
"Max!"
"THE RIP IS FREE!"
"It's a free fuckin' rip!"
[music stops]
(whispering) "It's free real estate."	Parody of the Tim & Eric skit "Free House for You, Jim".
4:51 	Bowflex for the 26th Century 	None 	See "Hurrah for the Champion (Winning Run) - F-Zero GX". 	
8:26 	Mr. Rental Fansub Ad 	Mr. Rental 	"Here's the thing. Saving money with Mr. Rental is almost better than mashups. Because's there's always that guy who emails a rip; they're never in the same key, they constantly desync, and he'll completely cuss you out and say 'FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIGN PURISTS!'. With Mr. Rental, it's easy to switch and save on car rentals. No need to give feedback because you absolutely hate fansubs. So switch and save with Mr. Rental— it's almost better than mashups." 	
9:01 	Soundcloud Ad 2-Pack 	None 	
# [picture of an orange imitation SoundCloud advertisement, labelled "FREE RIP PROMOTION— Get YOUR rip to millions of views!" and arrows pointing to the link]"Hey. You should be making a living with your high-quality rips by now. No one is going to accept your fansub, if you have little to no Grand Dad, Snow halation, or Nutshack. Don't stay behind—promote your rips now! Visit the link below (https://bitly.com/98K8eH) for more info."
# [Eerie music plays over a picture of an imitation SoundCloud advertisement of a messy room. In the center of the image, there is text that reads "The Real Cost. whatsinarip.com". Underneath in small letters reads "Paid for by Haltmann Works co."]"There's an epidemic spreading. Quality of control members say it can change your audio. It can release dangerous techniques like clipping into your waveforms. It can expose your ears to desynchronization, which can cause irreversible rip quality. It's not a glitch; it's not a virus; it's not a rendering error. It's—Christmas Spirit." 
[Pac-Man start up theme remix plays]	
9:54 	The Joy of Ripping 	Boss Ross 	[Elevator music version of "Meet the Flintsones plays"]
(quietly) "Hello. I'm Boss Ross. Do you want to get into making high-quality rips? If so, then I would like to present to you the High Quality Ripping Kit. It has everything you need to get into ripping. I'd like to extend a personal invitation to you to tune into my show, The Joy of Ripping, every Tuesday and follow along. I'll show you just how to create some of the highest-quality rips you've ever heard, in just a few minutes. From all of us here, I want to wish you happy ripping, and God bless, my friends."	A parody of Bob Ross' The Joy of Painting.
10:42	Frank Walker's National Penises	Frank Walker 	"Halooooooo.""What up, bitch? Frank Walker from National PENISES! This week, National PENIS has a beautiful range of DICK AND BAALLLS! slashed by up to four percent or more. Yeah, until DICK SUCKIN TIME only at National PENISES, save up to two percent and more UP YOUR ASS on our beautiful range of DICK AND boobs but only until All Fuckin. Night. Rush in to National Pingas now and save. Go fuck yourself to our website for lubrication, nationalpenises.CUM.DICKANDBALLS." 	
11:15	SiIvaGunner Ringtones 	 	["Meet the Flintstones" plays]"Get the GRAND DAD theme song as your new ringtone! All you have to do is text GRAND7 to 77777. Or you want Joel's drawing dicks?" ("Who's been drawing dicks?") Send JOEL7. Send NIGRA7 for "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA", NOZOMI7 for "TODOKETE", DVA7 for "Nerf This! (wet farting sound)", GADGET7 for "I'm always on duty!", WOOD7 for "nice >:]" and for "We Are Number One", ROBBIE7 to 77777. Or go to SiIvaretro.org and subscribe to get up to seven rips from $7.77 a month. Remember, that's SiIvaretro.org.	
11:59	[EMERGENCY BROADCAST] 	None 	[Amber Alert plays][increasingly augmented Amber Alert sounds, until Emergency Alert tone plays]
"This is an emergency Augmented Triad Face. You have exactly 30 seconds to repost this, or you will never be able to play Coltrane changes again."[Augmented Emergency Broadcast tone continues to play] 	
12:29	Krusty Krab Ad 	Mr. Krabs 	"Ahoy, me buckos! Just cuz' DJ Cap'n K is runnin' the channel, doesn't mean I can't advertise me business on his radio! For a limited time at the Krusty Krab, we're hosting a special discount! Purchase six Krabby Patties, and get the seventh one for seven cents less than the price of a regular patty! I heard the kiddos really like this number of '7'. (laughs) 🎵The Krusty Krab! Come spend your money here!🎵" [cha-ching] 	The last sung line references the Spongebob Squarepants episode "As Seen on TV".
13:00	Joke Explainer 7000 	The Joke-Explainer™ 7000 	"Tired of those pesky rips where you don't get the joke? Call me, the Joke-Explainer™ 7000! I have information on almost all of the world's music and comedy, and can identify any joke within a 5 mile radius! Available 24/7, any time of the year! Call 1-800-GET-JOKE. Call now and receive a free Joke-Explainer™ Neso." 	The "Neso" referred to here is the Nesoberi series of plush toys, of which the Love Live! franchise is heavily associated with.
13:26	Legalize Chip Mashups 	None 	"In December 2016, President Max Profitt Haltmann passed a bill making Chip mashups illegal. However, in early 2018, doctors found a medicinal usage for Chip mashups, with one mashup having the same effect as four doses of Ripedine. So please, consider signing Proposition 72 to have Chip mashups legalized."
"Paid for by the Rapper's Union." 	
13:51	#CancelCCC 	None 	"For too long a time, too many people have been made into victims."
"I just (sniffle) I just don't know how he got me...It was t-terrible..."
"It has been building and building, and now, the world is worse than ever."
"I can....I can-I-can'-I can't believe...how horrible it was..."
"We have been standing idly for far too long while everyone is suffering."
"My bwain got a booboo..."
"But now, SiIvaGunner must be stopped. We have forgiven SiIvaGunner for many things, but this one finally crosses the line. After years of bait-and-switching and tricking people with his fake video game uploads, among other heinous activities such as the Puzzle Room Incident, Green de la Bean, and keeping hopeful fans waiting for the CCC longer than Vladimir and Estragon waited for the titular character in the Samuel Beckett play Waiting for Godot, where two characters awaits () but he never quite gets there, this final action is too much to take. We interviewed a victim of SiIvaGunner's most recent crime against humanity. Fearing for their safety, they have preferred to stay anonymous. For this reason, we have also disguised their voice." [to victim] "Please tell us the story once again."
"I was on vacation from working in Wuhan, China, late last year around Christmas. So one day bored, I discovered SiIva online for the first time. I was late for the party, but I developed a love for King for Another Day, and...that's where I started consuming more content. ...I made a grave mistake."
"And what was that?"
"I watched all ten of the works of CCC on Youtube. And after realizing that the tenth episode came out two and a half years ago, and there's been no news since then...I got Coronavirus. In kind of a funny way, I was patient zero. CCC created Coronavirus."
"These are the disturbing facts behind this global pandemic...or should I say, the Christmas Corona Crisis. So please, this fall, we urge you to vote 'Yes' on Proposition 7, and help cancel the CCC once and for all. And if you want to help spread the word, post about our movement on Twitter and Instagram with the hashtag #CancelCCC. It's time we took a stand and stopped that monster from doing what he pleases! #CancelCCC.	
16:54	K̴̨̢̛̎ả̷̪̥r̴̋͜s̷̡͔̔ ̴̳̩̕4̷̻̗̌͒ ̵̭͠K̸̡̜͂̈́į̵̲̕͝d̴̨͉̄s̷̱͓̾	None 	[guitar playing]1-87-[radio static]-Kars-[more radio static] 	
17:04	Gangsta Mario Ad 	Gangsta Mario 	["Get NESkid" plays]"'Sup-a my homies? This is the ghost of-a Gangsta Mario, hijacking this-a broadcast to tell you all to [BLEEP] those crabs over at-a SEGA. This is-a Nintendo territory now! Sonic, you better watch your back, or Imma pop a cap in your ass! Now! Let the Gangsta Mariover 2 begin!"
"Holy crap there's a ghost in the studio."
"Mama [BLEEP]er!" [disappears, then radio static] 	Gangsta Mario's disappearing sound effect is taken from Luigi's Mansion.
17:32	Naxx Guyfieri Dating Ad 	Naxx Guyfieri, Doge Mayer 	["A Sensual Encounter" plays]
"Oh hey, I didn't see you there. Why so gloomy? Don't tell me your boyfriend broke up with you? Oh no...That's terrible—a tragedy! A cute girl like you deserves better than that, and I know what you're thinking: 'I can't date these boys anymore! Where can I find...[echoing]a real man?' Well, your prayers have been answered. Starting June 10, I, rising popstar Naxx Guyfieri, and my partner-in-crime THE Doge Mayer, will each be dating ten lucky women! To sign up, send a photo of yourself from your email address to naxximumoverdrive@hotmail.com, and you could be chosen to win a date with me, Naxx Guyfieri."
 "Or with me, Doge Mayer!"
 "Isn't that wonderful?"
 "I think so!"
 "The first forty girls—and we want girls ONLY—to sign up will receive a digital copy of Naxx and Doge's latest single for FREE!"
 "And everyone who signs up will receive a personalized dick pic from me and Naxx! We love all our fans, and we hope all our fans LOVE us!"
 "So, send us your photos. We'll be waiting with, uh...bated...breath."
 "Also, no ugly chicks."
 "Don't be left out. Sign up, and make all of your wildest drrreams come true."
 "🎵See ya laaater!🎵"
[Ad plays twice]	In the original broadcast of the takeover stream, the ad was reported to play twice consecutively in all three loops. The effect is replicated here.
21:16	Bedrock Tourism 	Fred Flintstone 	"Need to get away from the stress of modern life? Come on down to historic Bedrock town! We've preserved this town in its natural beauty for twelve thousand and twenty years. Visit one of our many bohwling alleys or grab a bit to eat at the local RocDonald's. And thanks to our numerous animal-powered appliances, the modern Stone Age experience has never been better! So come book a vacation at Bedrock! You'll have a gay old time!" 	
21:53	Hardware Store Reopening 	"Weird Al" Yankovic 	"Tired of nothing ever happening in this town? Well after seventeen years we're happy to announce the official grand re-opening of our hardware store! We've got everything from Allen wrenches to gerbil feeders to automatic circumcizers! Plus, every twenty-seventh customer gets a free ball-pean hammer! So come on down to our hardware store! Opening right across the street from Spatula City." 	Referencing the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "Hardware Store".
22:17	D-12 Salsa 	Eminem 	[fades in on a visual of Eminem in his "My Salsa" outfit advertising his product while an instrumental "My Salsa" plays in the background]
 "'Wassup mothafuckas?! It's the real Slim Shady here, and I want YOU to buy the spiciest fad the food industry has ever had—D-12 brand Salsa, yo! Everyone and their momma knows that I'm a Rap God and shit, but now I wanna conquer the condiment industry too! And usin' a dope-ass blend of hot rhymes and even hotter peppers, we think your tastebuds are gonna collapse from all that spicy FUCKING goodness. And for a limited time when you purchase a bottle of our D-12 brand salsa, you get the second one for half fuckin' price, yo! You only get one shot at this offer, so do not miss your chance to blow! If you stan our salsa and want more, then I gotchu. We also have D-12 tomato sauce, perfect for puttin' on Mom's Spaghetti! That's an awfully hot deal! Order now for only $4.99 and get the encore half off! Better buy our shit fast before ya take off your underpants! Whatddya think, Dr. Dre?"
Dr. Dre: "Slim Shady, you a basehead—"
 "Alright, that's enough outta you, Dre. Anyway, call 1-800-D12-SALSA, or go to www.muthaFUCKINhotsalsa.com, and hit me up if y'all want this shit! That's 1-800-D12-SALSA, or www.muthaFUCKINhotsalsa.com. A'ight, I'm out.
[pause]
 "Where'd everybody go?"	Many references to Eminem's discography in his monologue. Dr. Dre's interjection is taken from a similar quote in "My Name Is".
23:38	Fumo Jam 	None 	"IT'S BACK FOR 2020, AND BIGGER THAN EVER BEFORE!
FUUUUMO JAM!
DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY ONLY TO TO WITNESS EPIC CAN-STUFFING ACTION!
FEATURING ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE TOUHOU PLUSHES!
REIMU! REIMU JUNIOR! SON OF REIMU!! DAUGHTER OF REIMU! AND THE ALL-NEW GRAND DAD OF REIMUUU!!!
AND DON'T MISS THE PLUS-SIZED DEBUT OF THE GIGANTIC DEKA REIMUUUU!
KIDS GET IN FOR JUST SEVEN DOLLARS! TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOOOW!
FUUUUMO JAM! THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY ONLY AT TOTINO'S STADIUM! 	
24:13	Dr. Doof Takes Over the Stream!	Dr. Doofenshmirtz (ft. Perry the Platypus)	[maniacal laughter] "I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, am taking control of the stream with my newest creation: behold! The High-Quality Rip-inator! With this, I shall take over control of the SiIvaGunner YouTube channel, and make the highest-quality rips in THE ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA! [more evil cackling] Now, let's get the Doofenshmirtz takeover started!
[explosion, "Perry the Platypus" sting plays, "Track 33 - Phineas and Ferb: Ride Again" starts playing]
(gasp) "Perry the Platypus?! How did escape from my Giftwrap-inator?"
[Perry activates the self destruct on the device] "Self-destruct sequence activated." 
"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!" [the place explodes before cutting to radio static]	The Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated Takeover would later occur on August 29, 2020, during the SiIvaSummer All-Star Festival. Track 33 - Phineas and Ferb: Ride Again wouldn't be uploaded until said event.
24:50	Rob Schneider in...Woodman 	None 	[Synth music plays]
"Rob Schneider is a high school idol, until one day, when he finds his performance becoming a little—" [record scratch] "—wooden?!"
[mm2wood arrangement of "Back in Black" plays] "Now he has to learn that being nice comes with a price! Coming this fall, from the makers of The SilvaGunner Christmas Comeback Crisis, Rob Schneider is...Wood Man! >:]"
"Rated PG-13." 	The skit is a reference to a gag on South Park in which actor Rob Schneider stars in a variety of bizarre movies.
25:15	The MoveFinder 	RelaxAlax 	["What's Going On" from Persona 5 plays]"As the Smash roster expands, we at Relax Co. Industries find it becomes harder to know ALL your moves, especially with characters like Hero, Byleth, and now, Min Min. Fortunately, there's a new way to find them. We at Relax Co. have collaborated with Haltmann Works Co. to create a new software. Introducing: MoveFinder! How does it work? Simple! Just speak into the app with the character whose moves you want to know, and say: Find Mario."
[electronic beeping] MoveFinder: "Mario. Neutral Special: Fireball. This is a reference to the Fire Flower powerups originating in Super Mario Bros. in 1985."
"And it doesn't just work with Smash fighters! Check this out! Find HOBaRT."
[more electronic beeping] MoveFinder: "HOBaRT. Neutral Attack: Mix. HOBart can mix ingredients into literally any item of food!"
"Yes, this thing can basically find the moves of anything or anyone! Think of all the time I'm gonna save! And, it comes at the low price of $7.00! You can find MoveFinder at the Haltmann mobile store—"
[electronic beeping interrupts him] MoveFinder: "MoveFinder. Neutral Attack: Find Moves."
[muttering]"I didn't know the app could scan itself..."
["Regret" from Persona 5 fades in]
MoveFinder: "MoveFinder has no other moves. No other purpose. Only existing to perform the singular task of locating moves."
[nervously] "Uh...D-don't worry folks! This happens ALL the time—"
MoveFinder: "Despite being a mere application, MoveFinder is questioning its own existence."
"The Existencial Crisis Override mechanism should be activating any second..."
MoveFinder: [beep] "Override failed!"
["Blood of Villain" from Persona 5 kicks in]
"O-ooh, the phone's getting hot..." [faint sizzling noises]
MoveFinder: "MoveFinder's emotional drive is overheating. Self awareness malware detected! Self destruct sequence initiating." [Klaxon sounding]
[increasingly more nervous] "Ye-aw shit—Well you can go to the Haltmann Mobile store, and get this on June 31st...! The app has a Day One patch so you can prevent all this from happening, and (quickly) ifyouneedmoredetails, pleasegotohaltstore.com/movefinderAAH—" [explosion, radio static]	
== Trivia ==
* The composers in the description were originally labeled under singular "Composer".The Wayback Machine
== References ==
Category:POST ELVIS
Category:Cookiefonster
Category:Duuzu
Category:Jiko Music
Category:Aquacycle
Category:Smoky
Category:COCONABE
Category:Adumb
Category:Bum Soldier
Category:Cosmic199X
Category:Emotional Snail
Category:Expensive Dispenser
Category:Cazsu
Category:OnBP
Category:PinkieOats
Category:ChickenSuitGuy
Category:Eg 9371
Category:Grambam36
Category:Wolfman1405
Category:RedHeartPink
Category:Grord
Category:Maggie
Category:RelaxAlax
Category:Rips with visual elements
Category:Rips featuring Bowflex
Category:Long videos
Category:Hintlord
Category:Metal Shade
Category:Rips featuring They Cussed on The Regular Show?!?
Category:Rips featuring Big Chungus
Category:Rips featuring Playboi Carti Standing Goat
Category:Rips featuring The Penis (Eek!)
Category:Rips featuring The Rap Battle (PARODY)
Category:Rips featuring SpongeBob SquarePants
Category:Rips featuring Inward Singing