The Ricks Must Be Crazy

== Transcript ==
walking away from Egan Cinema 
Morty: Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a Ball Fondlers movie franchise.
Summer: I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13
Morty: Yeah, I'm pretty jealous.
Rick: Don't be Morty, there are pros and cons to every reality, fun facts about this one; it's got giant telepathic spiders, eleven 9/11's, aaaand the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Summer: Shut up!
Morty: W-whoa!
Rick: We're gonna go get some ice-cream motherfuckers!
Car does not start.
Rick: Oh great.
Morty: Oh boy. W-what's wrong Rick, is it the quantum carburettor or something?
Rick: Quantum carburettor? Jesus Morty; you can't just add a sci fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Huh, it looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery - we're going to have to go inside.
Morty: Uhm. Go inside what?
Rick: The battery Morty. Be right back Summer; stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel -- spider-y.
Summer: Wait! You can't leave me here!
Rick: You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe.
Ship: Keep. Summer. Safe.
Summer: Egh, wonderful.
Man with scar across his face and a ponytail approaches the car.
Man: Hey, excuse me, hello?
Summer: Uhmm...
Man: What you think you're better than me? Nobody's better than me! Ey! ey!
He is banging on the ship's window; the ship extends an arm from the back and cuts him into cubes with a laser.
Summer: Agh! Aghaaaa!
Ship: Keep. Summer. Safe.
Thinner Man: Hey man, what the hell! That was my daughter's paediatrician!
Uagha!
The ship lifts him off the ground with an arm and prepares to kill him with another laser.
Summer: No! Stop, don't kill him!
Ship beeps.
Ship: Confirmed.
Ship fires a single red laser into his back, and drops him to the ground
Thinner Man: Uaghuu. Ugh. Uh. Oh God! I can't feel my legs! Help! He-elp!
Ship: Summer is safe.
Summer curls into fetal position and starts crying
Summer: I don't feel safe.
Ship: Confirmed.
ship reclines chair and begins playing soothing music.
the now paralysed man bangs on the door while crying.
Thinner Man: Oh God help me! Help me! help me please! You can help me.
//intro plays
Morty: Oh man. Where are we Rick?
Rick: Morty, remember eight seconds ago when -burp- when you said 'go inside what' and I said 'the battery' and then we showed up here?
Rick: Morty, remember eight seconds ago when [Burps] when you said, "Go inside what?" And I said, "The battery"? And then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."
Morty: All right, all right. We're inside the battery. I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.
Rick: Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Morty.
[Computer beeps]
Rick: Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?
Morty: W-w-w-whoa, people? [Groans]
Rick: It's time for some hands-on engine repair.All right, Morty, hold on to something.
Morty: Whoa!
Morty: Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-t-this is like a whole p-planet or something.
Rick: Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out.
[Keypad beeps]
Rick: I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. 
Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's slavery.
Rick: It's society. They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. 
Morty: That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Rick: Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
Anchor: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out.
Morty: You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up. There's caterers down there. Th-th-they're setting up chafing dishes.
Rick: Would you relax, Morty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. These people need to think we're aliens.
Morty: What? Why?
Rick: Obviously [burps] you really [burps] know nothing about car repair.
[Fanfare plays]
Rick: Wait for the ramp, Morty. They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.
[Cheering]
Rick: Greetings!
[Creatures chanting, "Rick! Rick!"]
Rick: Morty, you got to flip them off. I told them it means "Peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
[Creatures cheering wildly]
Rick: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.
Mr.President: Rick, our alien friend.
Rick: Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power.
Mr.President: That's correct. [Chuckles] We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. 
Rick: [Straining] I would love to see it.
Mr.President: Fuck you.
Rick: What did you say to me?!
Mr.President: "Fuck you." Y-you told me it means "much obliged".
Rick: Oh. Right. Uh, b-blow me.
Mr.President: No, no, no. Blow me.
Mr.President: Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars.
Zeep: I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not 11. Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something.
Mr.President: Zeep, is Rick-- The alien. Rick the alien. Rick the alien...
Rick: Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.
Zeep: I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Ohhhh, snap!
Rick: Listen to me, you arrogant little--
Mr.President: [Chuckling] R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep.
Zeep: Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse.
Rick: [Coughs] Dumb [coughs] name.
Zeep: Excuse me?
Rick: [Clears throat] Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside?
Zeep: This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time.
Mr.President: Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world?
Zeep: Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me of that. Great president. All right, let's go.
Morty: Whoa-oh!
Zeep: Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people of this world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.		
Zeep: What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us. No more gooble boxes.
Rick: I got to tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool.		
Morty: What?!
Rick: Y-y-you got the people on this world slaving away [burps] making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery.
Zeep: No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then--
Rick:  Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Zeep: Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.
Morty: Rick, a word?
Morty: What the hell was that?				
Rick: I know. "Eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh-la-la".
Morty: No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? Do you not see the hypocrisy here?
Rick: Holy crap. You're right, Morty. Hypocrisy. Somewhere on this planet, there's got to be an arrogant scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being, his people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. 
Rick: Wh-wh-why are you making that face? 
Morty: Holy shit!
Zeep: It's me. I've convinced the people of this planet that I'm a traveler from another world. 
Rick: You don't think that's over[Burps]doing it a little? I mean, you could achieve the same effect with a pair of-- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.
Zeep: Places, please. We're about to land.				
Rick: [Coughs] Too fast.
[Sirens wailing]
Summer: [Whimpering]
Ship: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe.
Summer: No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody!
Ship: [Warble] Confirm custom defense protocol-- Keep Summer safe-- No physical force. 
Summer: Yes.
Ship: Processing.
Swat Officer 1: Come out of the vehicle with your hands in the air!
Ship: Scanning assailants. [Warbling, beeping] Psychological option detected. [Beeping] Gestating.
Summer: "Gestating"?
Swat Officer 1: Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!
Swat Officer 1: Incoming!
Swat Officer 2: We got a device!
Swat Officer 1: Bomb! Bomb!
Kid: Daddy?
Swat Officer 1: Oh, my God. [Sighs] Hunter?			
Kid: Daddy?		
Summer: What the hell?	
Swat Officer 1: [Gasps] Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-h-hunter?
Kid: Daddy.
Swat Officer 1: Hunter! [Sobbing] Oh, my dear, sweet God, Hunter. Oh, my boy. My boy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry.
Kid: Daddy, leave the car alone.	
Swat Officer 1: W-w-w-what?
Kid: [Distorted] Leave the car alone.		
Swat Officer 1: Hunter?		
Swat Officer 1: Don't--				
Summer: Oh, my God.
Swat Officer 1: Stay here, Hunter! No! [Sobbing] God, no! Hunter!		
Ship: All of you have loved ones. All can be returned. All can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle. Keep Summer safe.
Zeep: And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements.				
Rick: Hey, uh, let me ask you something.		
Teenyverse President: Yes?		
Rick: Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?		
Teenyverse President: All of them. That's their job.	
Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?		
Teenyverse President: How do you know about that? It's top secret.			
Zeep: So remember-- a crank a day is not nearly enough. [Laughs] Crank it. I told them this means "Peace among worlds". How hilarious is that?				
Morty: Re-really funny, Zeep.					
Rick: Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.
Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is--
Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Rick: [Burps] It's show [Burps]time.
Zeep: You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically-- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.				
Rick: [Burps] Told you, Zeep.					
Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.	
Zeep: That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.				
Rick: What? 
Zeep: Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?					
Rick: Microverse!		
Kyle: Uh, teenyverse.					
Rick: Ugh! You bastard!			
Zeep: Much obliged.					
Kyle: What the hell is happening?		
Morty: This is healthy, trust me.
Rick: You're my battery, motherfucker. [Groans] That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's whack!				
Kyle: Are they not really aliens?					
Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know?		
Kyle: So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was born. Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.					
Rick: I made you!
Morty: [Laughs] Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.				
Morty: You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, old-lady science, you know? She's a real-- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she-- she'll-- She bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what-- Oh, my God, no!
Rick, Zeep: Teenyverse.		
Rick: Come on, come on, come on.					
Rick: Pterodactyl!
Zeep: [Laughs] Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it.
Rick: Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?	
Morty: Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we-- We need it to start our car. 
Zeep: That's what you used my universe for? To run your car?
Rick: Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cocksucker!
Rick: What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!
Rick: You crafty son of a--
Zeep: Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!
Rick: Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!
Zeep: I didn't ask to be born!
Morty: All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. It can't be worse than this.
Rick: Sure. Okay, Morty. Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you.
Morty: That's a myth! W-w-why are you trying to start a myth?
Rick: It's a prehistoric planet, Morty. Someone has to bring a little culture. And it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
[Sirens wailing]
Army General: Go, go, go!
Summer: Oh, my God. Oh, God. What are we going to do now?
Ship: I am unable to destroy this army. To clarify, I am quite able to destroy this army, but you will not permit it.
Summer: Correct.
Ship: You also refuse to authorize emotional countermeasures.
Summer: If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more of that.
Ship: [Warble] Confirmed. I am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But I do want to say you are not making this easy.
Summer: You know you're kind of a dick, right?
Ship:My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff. That's you. That's how you talk.
Rick: Hey, that's my deer!
Zeep: Aaaaaaah!
Rick: Raah!
Zeep: I hope your God is as big a dick as you.					
Rick: My God's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?
[Snake hisses]
[Eagle screeches]				
Zeep: You're here because you created someone smarter than you.
Rick: Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots.
Morty: Kalo kada sha la.
Rick: Holy shit. Morty? I haven't seen you in months. You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up.
Morty: We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest.
Rick: Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay.
Zeep: That is pretty gay.
Morty: You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you.
Morty: This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the-- You have to get us the fuck out of here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!
Morty: Look, I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.
Rick: No can do, Morty. I just can't.
Zeep: I just don't see how I can--
Morty: Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.
[Guns cocking]
Army General: You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10, 9...
Rick: All right, not bad.
Zeep: I guess you're an okay proto recombinator.
Rick: I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination.
Zeep: If this works, drinks are on me.
Rick: If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic.
Zeep: Opium addict.
[Both laugh]							
Morty: All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up. You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Morty: Yes! You did it! Yes!
Rick: Hey, uh, how about that drink?
Zeep: Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.
Rick: Is our wallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?
Zeep: It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.
Rick: You know how long a second can take in a microverse?
Rick: Oh! Run, Morty! That asshole's willing to risk everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!
[Both pant]
Rick: Morty, hop on my back.
Morty: Why?
Rick: Go, go [Burps] Sanchez ski shoes.
Morty: Aaaaaah!
Army General: ...Eight...
[Panting]
Morty: Aaaah! 
Rick: Oof!
[All grunting]
Rick: Hold still. [Grunts]
Mr. President: Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast.
Rick: Aaaah! Holy--
Zeep: You monster!
Mr. President: Whoa. Bad tour.
Army General: ...seven...
[Elevator bell dings]
Secretary: Hey, you got to sign out. 
Rick: Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!
Secretary: If that were really true, then...
Female Visitor: I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.
Secretary: Third floor. Would you like to go to dinner with--
Female Visitor: Uh, no.
[Both panting]
Zeep: You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it.
[Bleep]
Morty: What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! 
Rick: Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car.
Morty: What?!	
Rick: A long time ago, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car.				
Morty: Oh, my God!
Rick: Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.			
Morty: [Grunts]
Rick: Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.		
Army General: ...six...
Rick: Hey, Zeep.			
Zeep: Huh?		
Rick: Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.				
Zeep: Aaah!
Rick: We did it, Morty. Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.	
Taxi Driver: Excuse me?
Army General: ...five--			
Soldier: Sir?		
[Spiders hiss]			
Army General: Holy hell.			
Soldier: Sir!	
[Tires screech]				
Human President: Hold you fire!			
[Spider snarls]
Summer: What's going on?	
Ship: I have brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government.
Human President: Thanks to the skilled diplomacy of this mysterious space car, from this day forward, human- and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs.
Soldier: What do we do about the space car?
Human President: Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? [Chuckles] Not a bad trade for spider peace. 
Army General: .All right, that's it. Move out!
Human President: [Laughs] I love this spider!
Ship: Summer is safe.
Summer: All right, I get it.
Zeep: Rick!
[Thunder crashes]
Morty: Don't do it.
Rick: You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. [Both groan]
Zeep: Aah!
Rick: Unh!
[Snorts, spits]
Rick: Class dismissed.
Morty: Geez.
[Bottles clatter]
Rick: You all right?
Summer: Uh-huh!
Morty: What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead.
Rick: Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.
[Engine turns over]
Morty: Hey, wait-- huh? I don't get it.
Rick: Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen-- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. 
Zeep: Peace among worlds, Rick.
Morty: Jesus.
Rick: Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Morty-- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.
Rick: Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about.This is why we do what we do.
Morty: Uh-huh.
Rick: Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.
Ice cream clerk: Presidential decree-- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.
Rick: What the fuck did you do, Summer?!
Summer: It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!
Rick: Don't blame my ship!
Summer: It melted a child!
Rick: My ship doesn't do anything...
Summer: It killed it itself!
Rick: ...unless it's told to do something!
Summer: We almost died!
Rick: I don't want to hear it, Summer!
[Shouting indistinctly]
Rick: Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.
'''
Morty: [Groans]
[Car alarm chirps]
Category:Rick and Morty Transcripts