Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge! 25 seconds to curtain, folks.
Rita 	No problem.
Kris 	We'll be ready.
Scooter	Great. Uh, by the way, I hope you folks don't mind having to share a dressing room.
Kris 	Nah.
Rita 	No, not at all.
Scooter	Good. Come on in, guys! You can share Kris and Rita's dressing room!
 	The room fills up with friendly Muppet monsters.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf	(to the theme) Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah!
 	
 	Gonzo gets the hiccups when he tries to play his trumpet.
Gonzo 	Uh, excuse me.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a very special show tonight because we have not one, but TWO special guest stars! We have Mr. Kris Kristofferson and Miss Rita Coolidge! (applause) Yes!
 	
Miss Piggy 	Kermie, Kermie.
Kermit 	Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	I just want to thank you for letting me do this opening number with Kris.
Kermit 	Oh, well, that's all right.
Miss Piggy 	It's a very sexy number. I hope you won't be jealous.
Kermit 	Uh, ahem, don't worry.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, you sure?
Kermit 	Positive.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. (hollers) Kris, please! Kermie — Kermie, you'd better introduce us. He just cannot wait. (whoops and hollers)
Kermit 	Yeah. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is...
Miss Piggy 	Uh, K-Kerm, Kermie, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, it's you I love. Trust me.
Kermit 	Uh... yeah. OK. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Kris Kristofferson.
 	The Mayhem backs up Kris as he serenades Piggy.
 	
Kris 	
Take the ribbon from your hair.
Shake it loose, let it fall.
 	She does so.
Kris 	
Layin' soft against my skin,
Like the shadows on the wall.
Miss Piggy 	(swoons) … Kris.
Kris 	Come and lay down by my side…
Miss Piggy 	All right.
Kris 	Till the early morning light.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, you silver-tongued devil.
Kris 	All I'm taking is your time.
Miss Piggy 	Take it!
Kris 	Help me make it through the night.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Krissie!
We don't care who's right or wrong!
Kris 	I don't try to understand.
Miss Piggy 	Let the devil take tomorrow!
Kris 	Lord, tonight I need a friend.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yes.
Kris 	(chuckling)
Yesterday is dead and gone.
Miss Piggy 	Yesterday is dead and gone!
Kris 	And tomorrow's out of sight.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, tomorrow's out of sight.
Kris 	And it's sad to be alone.
Miss Piggy 	So sad to be alone.
Both 	
Help me make it through the night.
We don't want to be alone.
Help me make it through the night.
 	Animal does a wild drum solo as she showers Kris with kissy-kissys. Applause.
Kris 	You rascal.
Statler 	Wonderful!
Waldorf 	Wonderful!
Statler & Waldorf	Copenhagen…
 	They chuckle.
==Canteen==
Kermit	(heard through the intercom) OK, stagehands, strike Kris's number. I'm introducing the dog act. Dogs on stage, please.
Gonzo 	Hey, Gladys.
Gladys	Yeah, dear?
Gonzo 	What's the soup du jour?
Gladys	Same as yesterday.
Gonzo 	Good. I'll have that and the chicken.
Gladys	Now, how do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled or barbecued?
Gonzo 	I want the chicken for company! (sigh) I hate to eat alone.
 	A chicken sits next to him.
 	
Gladys	For a second there I thought you was one of them weirdoes. I still do.
 	She walks away. A pig approaches Gonzo.
Pig 	Hey, Gonzo, Kermit says you're on next.
Gonzo 	Oh, thank you.
Gladys	It's OK, dear. You'll pay me later.
Gonzo 	Thank you.
Pig 	Hey, you're finally gonna get to do the old piano-balancing act, eh?
Gonzo 	Yeah.
 	Gladys corners Gonzo and pins him on the table. Gonzo trembles.
Gladys	You'll pay me NOW.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity. (to the curtain) Um, is He ready back there?
Voice 	Uh, no, no.
Gonzo 	I'm ready.
Voice 	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit 	Uh... OK. The Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity, will recite the seven times multiplication table while balancing a piano and standing in a hammock?? The Great Gonzo!
 	The curtain opens on Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Ta-da! … Seven... Seven times one is, uh... Seven. Seven times two is, uh... seventeen. Oh, let me count that. All right. Seven, eight, nine, ten, cary the one... Eleven, twelve…
 	He tries to count on his fingers, but lets go of the piano and … CRASH!
Waldorf	Well, that act certainly suited Gonzo.
Statler	It did?
Waldorf	Yep. Suited him right down to the ground.
 	They chuckle.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, l've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.
Beaker 	Meep meep meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes. Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever. Ahem. Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this. Up...
 	He pulls a lever, and Beaker rises.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	...down.
 	He lowers Beaker.
Beaker 	Meep meep! Meep meep meep…!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby. (sigh)
 	He pulls the lever all the way down, and Beaker grows taller and taller.
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.
Beaker 	(screaming)
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks. That's all for today from Muppet Labs. Timber!
 	Beaker's legs collapse in the opposite direction. CRASH!
=="My Wild Irish Rose"==
 	Open on Wayne in a forest, next to a rose.
 	
Wayne	My wild Irish rose …
 	The rose sprouts teeth and attacks him.
==Canteen==
Kermit 	(heard through the intercom) Stand by for Rita's number. Woodland animals on stage, please.
 	Piggy passes a stole and a fox on their way out.
Miss Piggy	La la la la. Oh, what a nice stole.
Annie Sue 	Hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Ahem. Hello, Annabelle.
Annie Sue 	You look so beautiful today.
Miss Piggy	Of course I do.
Gladys 	Now, what'll it be? One Weight Watchers special?
Miss Piggy	I shall see the menu, s'il vous plait.
 	
Gladys 	The name's Gladys. (hands her the menu)
Miss Piggy	Well, Gladys, I shall have, let me see... A watercress sandwich on whole wheat and four ounces of rhubarb juice.
Gladys 	(calls) One fatso special! (notices Annie Sue) Oh, and what'll we have for you, dear?
Annie Sue 	Well, I'm not really hungry. But I'll have a chocolate milkshake, a hamburger with French fries on the side and apple pie with cream.
Gladys 	(calls) One kamikaze special!
 	
Annie Sue 	Oh, what a cute name. (giggles)
Miss Piggy	Yes, isn't that sweet, all that food? (giggles)
 	Annie Sue leans on a silverware trolly. Piggy kicks the trolley, sending Annie rolling away. CRASH!
Miss Piggy	(nonchalantly) I'm sorry.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	And now, a Muppet news flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air.
 	It rains silverware on the Newsman.
 	
==Backstage==
Miss Piggy	Excusez-moi, Kermie.
Kermit 	Uh, not right Now, Miss Piggy. I Have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy	Oh, I just wanted to mention that Mr. Kristofferson and Miss Coolidge are happily married.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, I know.
Miss Piggy	(blocks him in his path) Mm-hmm. It shows you can combine show business careers and marriage.
Kermit 	Well, I suppose it does, yes.
Miss Piggy	And you know, we both have show business careers.
 	
Kermit 	That's true.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Need I say more?
Kermit 	Miss Piggy, I really have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy	Yes, dear. I just wanted you to think about it.
Kermit 	I don't have time to think about it.
Miss Piggy	(her hand on his shoulder) Maybe six months in the hospital will give you more time to think.
Kermit 	I… I will think about it. (runs on stage)
Miss Piggy	Thank you. (saunters off)
=="We're All Alone"==
Kermit	And now, here she is, our second very special guest, a lovely lady with a beautiful voice and a wonderful song, Miss Rita Coolidge.
 	Rita sings her solo hit "We're All Alone" with some forest friends.
 	
==UK spot==
 	Rowlf plays a piano riff.
Sam the Eagle	Very nice.
Rowlf 	thank you.
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. I take great pride in introducing the charming 18th century romantic ballad,A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go. (to Rowlf) Go.
 	Rowlf begins playing.
Rowlf 	
A frog he would a-wooing go.
Hey, ho, said Rowley.
Whether his mother would let him or no
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
 	Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm. Beautiful.
Rowlf 	Thank you. Next verse.
He came to sweep Miss Mousey's hall.
Hey, ho, said Rowley.
He gave a loud knock, he gave a loud call,
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
 	Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm. Charming.
Rowlf 	Thank you. Next verse.
But while they there were merry making,
Hey, ho, said Rowley
A cat and her kittens came tumbling in,
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes. Sheer poetry, isn't it?
Rowlf 	Well, I think l'd like it more if I understood the words.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, well, which words?
Rowlf 	Well, let's start with "A frog he would a-wooing go."
Sam the Eagle	A-ha! Uh, yes, that. This shows us that there was a time when frogs, indeed, used to go "woo".
Rowlf 	Frogs don't go "woo, woo." They go ribbit.
Sam the Eagle	Only very recently.
Rowlf 	"Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley."
Sam the Eagle	Ah, oh, yes. Oh, that one. The precise meaning of the expression "hey, ho" is lost in antiquity. You won't find any modern rubbish here.
Rowlf 	What about "Rowley poly gammon and spinach"?
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Rowlf 	What's that?
Sam the Eagle	That's rubbish.
Rowlf 	That's what I thought.
 	Rowlf concludes the song with a riff. Applause.
Sam the Eagle	Why are they laughing?
 	
==Dressing room==
 	Kris approaches Rita in the dressing room.
Kris 	Hey, Rita, we gotta talk about something. You alone?
Rita 	Yes.
Kris 	Are you sure?
Rita 	Sure I'm sure, Kris. You don't see anybody, do you?
Kris 	No, but around here it doesn't make any difference. Everything on this show walks and talks. Animals, vegetables.
Rock 	Don't forget about the minerals.
 	
Rock 	You heard me, buster!
 	The rock thumps as it walks.
Kris 	Uh, would you mind leaving us alone for a while, please?
Rock 	Oh, sure thing. Come on, gang.
 	The clothesline and umbrellas walk away.
Voices	(They want to be alone.) (murmuring) (Let's go wait in the hall.)
Kris 	Rita, this is a very weird show.
Rita 	Yes. That was a little strange, but I think you'll find most of the Muppets are pretty normal. Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Kermit.
Gonzo 	Hi. Hi.
Kris 	What about this one?
Rita 	Hello, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Hi. Say, how about a couple of autographs?
Rita 	Sure, I'll get a pen for you.
Gonzo 	Oh, you don't have to. I already signed them.
 	
Kris 	You're giving us your autographs, hmm?
Gonzo 	Yeah. They're really valuable now since my piano-balancing act.
Rita 	But, uh, Gonzo, you fell.
Gonzo 	I know! A lot of people think I'm dead now. Isn't that terrific?
 	He exits. Kris and Rita laugh.
=="New York State of Mind"==
 	
 	Floyd Pepper, Dr. Teeth, and Zoot perform "New York State of Mind." (Repeated from episode 209)
Waldorf	Well, I didn't think l'd live to see it, but, for once, they've given us something other than second-rate entertainment.
 	
Statler	What's that?
Waldorf	Third-rate entertainment.
 	They chuckle.
==Chimes==
	
	A chicken plays "For Me and My Gal" on the chimes, and quickly gets whacked by a swinging chime.
==Canteen==
Floyd 	Mm-mmm-mmm! That was mighty fine, Gladys. My compliments to the chef.
Gladys	(looks down) Hey, he says He liked it.
Floyd 	Who you talking to?
Gladys	The short order cook.
 	
Floyd 	This place takes itself so literally.
Gladys	Of course it does. Hey, you want to see our apple turnover?
Floyd 	Sure.
Gladys	Hey, apple, turn over!
 	An apple in a fruit bowl turns over. Floyd laughs.
Floyd 	Hey, I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing.
 	He and Gladys laugh.
Gladys	Hey, hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.
Floyd 	Nah, it's OK. He just finished a TV dinner.
Gladys	Well, did he remember to thaw it?
Floyd 	Thaw it?
 	Animal munches on a TV set.
Floyd 	He didn't even unplug it! (laughs)
 	
Animal	TV dinner! TV dinner!
=="Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)"==
 	Rowlf plays the piano. Fozzie emerges with a top hat.
 	
Fozzie	
Hi-diddle-dee-dee!
An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
Hi-diddle-dee-doo!
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me! Ha!
Rowlf 	Okay, what happens now?
Fozzie	Oh, now comes the funny part. (exits)
Rowlf 	Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
 	Fozzie comes back with a fish.
Fozzie	OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Rowlf 	Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?
Fozzie	Oh, just for the halibut. (wiggles his ears)
Rowlf 	Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Fozzie	Ha!
 	He tosses the fish and it splashes.
Fozzie	
Hi-diddle-dee-dee!
An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
Hi-diddle-dee-doo!
You sleep till after two.
Rowlf 	Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
Fozzie	No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!
 	A decorative vaudeville backdrop is lowered.
Rowlf 	Oh, it's wonderful scenery. But is it funny?
 	
Fozzie	OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Rowlf 	Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for?
Fozzie	Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless. (wiggles his ears) "Just for the halibut."
Rowlf 	Keep trying.
Fozzie	(tosses the hoop) Oh, boy.
 	
Fozzie	
Hi-diddle-dee-dee!
An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
Hi-diddle-dee-doo!
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me!
Both 	An actor's life for me!
=="Song I Like to Sing"==
Kermit	Well, we've heard one of our guest stars, and then we've heard the other one. Now, let's put 'em together and see what happens. Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.
 	Kris and Rita sing "Song I Like to Sing" with a Latin Whantot backup band as the Muppet monsters dance.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge! Yaaaay!
Kris 	Thanks for having us, Kermit. It was a lot of fun.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Rita 	Yeah. Kermit, uh, where's Gonzo?
Kermit 	Gonzo. Oh, he was, uh...
 	Two mournful chickens carry a figure under a green blanket on a stretcher. Rita lifts the blanket.
Rita 	Oh, Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Shh! I'm only pretending. My autographs will be worth a fortune.
Kermit 	Gonzo!!
 	The chickens scatter.
Gonzo 	Well, it was worth a try.
Kermit 	Good night! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler	You know, they can improve the whole show if they just change the ending.
Waldorf	How?
Statler	Put it closer to the beginning.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts