S05E16: The Gang Rains Planetary Destruction On Giant Women

==Background==
We leveled up and bought crap, then there was a red alert. We arrived at the director’s office just in time to see the Queen departing, and then were notified about a tower at some Neverwinter University Campus being taken over by cultists.
We were dispatched to this 3 story + roof tower where the City Watch was ready to break in the front door barricade for us (the rest of the tower was shielded). We beat the living shit out of the people on the first floor, then went up to the second floor to beat up some more and now the religious fanatics and burly women occupying this astrology-themed level have spotted us.
==Session==
Um has decided he strongly prefers the ceiling.
Up there, he is accompanied by multiple, giant, hanging planetary models. Um goes over to the nearest one, with the intent of dropping it on an enemy's head. Carlos alone notices Um's moment and proceeds to loudly whisper “I think it’s Mercury” before realizing that Um is setting up a trap and needs someone in the group to kite an enemy directly under him.
Kanye is extremely distracted by the large women - who may or may not be his type - and sighs that he has no choice but to glaive them. He requests Nissa play “Why Can’t We Be Friends” before promply attacking one big lady who does not even attempt to block, and now is also extremely fixated on Kanye (disadvantage on attacks on anyone else). Thinking about it, he realizes the women all seem like berserkers. Then he impales her in the chest - she looks like she should probably be on the ground writhing in pain but instead she’s continuing to try and bite Kanye.
Nissa’s lute has been broken, so she has been using a magical soundboard instead. She casts Bane, sacrificing drops of hazmat blood by pricking her finger on a screw, and manages to hit two of the non-impaled women.
 DM: Carlos, there are a lot of big angry ladies in the room.
 Carlos: Not my first time, buddy.
Carlos decides he’s going to situate himself under Um's planet and floss (note: the Fortnite dance) - his plan is to try and bait the ladies towards him and then duck and roll out last minute.
All of the ladies are positively offended and make a beeline for him. He backs away as he flosses - suddenly, Mercury collapses onto the woman in front of him as Um takes advantage of the situation.
Carlos conspicuously does a late backflip “to safety”.
Averlyth notices the mad fanatics against the far wall appear to be spell-casting and summons her spiritual weapon to attempt to bitch slap two of the three to distract them. One of them is hit normally, one is critically slapped.
One of the burly woman runs up and tries to hit Carlos as he’s executing his back flip - he gives finger guns as he dodges out of the way. Another one goes for Averlyth but misses. And another one misses Kanye, who mocks them.
One of the fanatics mutters under his breath at Kanye; he’s soon unable to hear anything else, and he's almost driven to paralysis, but then the sounds of “Why can we be friends” brings him out of his misery.
One of the clerics bitch-slapped by Averlyth glares at her. Suddenly, a floating spectral dagger appears and flies at her. It stabs her, pulls back, and then glances off on it’s second dive.
The last spell-caster looks at Um on the ceiling and does damage in some way that I forgot. Then Um goes over to another ceiling model and gets ready to rinse and repeat the planetary destruction.
Um drops Saturn on another berserker lady.
 Carlos: Are you going for Jupiter next?
 Um: Sure, unless someone gets prone, and then I’m going to just shoot them.
Kanye almost finishes off the impaled lady on his glaive with the first attack. Then he pulls out the glaive and blunts her to death.
Kanye attempts to knock another lady prone, but fails. Kanye then tries to trip her but trips himself and impales himself. All of a sudden, Kanye doesn’t seem to be adding as many numbers to his damage roll as usual.
Kanye yells “Woodhouse! Make sure you capture how noble I am!” while bleeding from the first damage he’s taken all day.
Nissa asks a burly lady if she even lifts, “bro”, and she gets real sad.
 Carlos: Wait, so she’s not bloodied? She had a planet drop on her.
 DM: She’s pretty beefy, just picture Kanye as a lady.
 Carlos: I often do.
Carlos dances back a few steps and casts a cold-element chromatic orb at the lady hanging out in front of him. It was a dud though, so he ends his turn going “well fuck you lady”.
Averlyth sends her spiritual weapon at bloodied fanatic and manages to stab him once, although she’s not able to totally impale him.
The burly women have realized that one of their own has died and howls “Susan” before going into a frenzy. One of them slashes Averlyth, another slashes at Kanye. One of the pinned ladies spends her turn pushing the planet off and standing back up. The last one swung at and missed Kanye.
 Kanye: One at a time, ladies.
 Carlos: There’s plenty of Kanye to go around.
All three of the fanatics turn on Kanye.
 DM: Once again, Kanye hears the muttering, and needs to make a wisdom saving throw.
 Kanye: Aghhh. I rolled a 2. Minus 1.
 DM: ...That is a failure.
Kanye is paralyzed for the next 6 seconds.
Another fanatic attempts to cast a spell at Kanye but misses. The third fanatic critically fails and causes a backlash of magic around the room - any spells cast within the next round will be at disadvantage.
Um is informed of good news and bad news — there are 2 burly women directly under the largest planet model, but Kanye and Nissa are there too, and most certainly cannot get out of the way while Kanye is paralyzed from the muttering spell.
Um opts not to drop the planet on the group after all and instead fires off a crossbow bolt at the fanatic that has taken the most damage. It doesn’t kill him, and he makes eye contact at Um, who promptly takes shelter from line-of-sight behind Jupiter.
Kanye overcomes the paralysis miraculously and resumes his glaive swinging with a battle cry (after 6 awkwardly silent seconds). Nissa performs a joke at a burly woman in an attempt to make her go prone with laughter.
 Nissa: Knock knock!
 Burly woman: Who’s there?
 Burly woman: Not Susan, because you killed her!
 Nissa: .. Not Susan, because we killed her!
 Burly woman: Oh nO
​​​​​The joke was funny but not “knock someone prone” funny.
Carlos is reminded that sorcery points exist and that he can use it to cancel out the magic casting disadvantage. He confirms that Nissa knows all the key changes and time signatures for “Thunderstruck” before casting a chromatic orb of thunder. I think it hurts.
Averlyth bitch slaps the most bloody fanatic to death, and then attempts to slap the next closest fanatic into the wall, but he manages to slip under the incoming spectral palm.
All of the women rush Kanye, giving Averlyth and Carlos successful opportunity attacks on the ones in front of them, with a short sword and long sword respectively. Kanye also stabs at one before two very strong warrior woman pin him to the ground. Nissa does a sweet flip off of Kanye’s shoulders.
 DM: The first woman does 20 to hit.
 Kanye: To me?
 DM: Yes.
 Kanye: That’s too many.
Kanye is ecstatic.
Both of the remaining spellcasters go for Kanye as well because everyone loves Kanye. Kanye attempts to incept a memory into one of the spellcasters of being beat up by Kanye as a kid, but alas, he's a little distracted.
Now that Nissa isn't directly under his trap, and the party remember remaining under Jupiter is the strong one, Um has decided to drop the planet on his friend and all of the burly women after all.
Kanye successfully prevents himself from giving away the game as he watches his friend spring a trap directly on his face.
 Kanye splutters through bloody lips: I’m bloodied.
Nissa uses “Shake It Off” from her magical bracer to give Kanye a quick healing boost and an action to stand up from his position on the floor/beneath the ladies.
He proceeds to use his turn to announce his identity and slip on blood.
The group has a sudden realization that Kanye may need a flowchart in order to keep track of how many actions and bonus attacks he’s allowed to do per turn.
Kanye recovers health from second wind, then kills two women on his turn.
Nissa segues from Thunderstruck to The Thunder Rolls, although it’s already a pretty confusing situation so it didn’t really add to the whole “people are already dying” part.
Carlos contemplates how to set Um up with a prone person to shoot, as all the currently prone targets will have a chance to stand up before his turn.
 Um: It’s fine if they’re dead.
 Carlos: Nah, it’s okay, let’s fuck up a prone person.
Carlos stabs a lady with a silver dagger and confirms she is not a werewolf.
Averlyth casts a thorn whip at one of the fanatics, pulling him into the dogpile with Kanye. Then, she slaps the other fanatic with her spiritual weapon again.
A burly woman gets to her feet and slashes at Kanye. A fanatic attempts to cast a spell at Kanye but fails; the other hits Averlyth with some necrotic damage.
The group discovers Um does not actually benefit from enemies being prone and therefore that is no longer a goal.
Um practically annihilates the fanatic that just got pulled by Averlyth.
Kanye goes for the same fanatic and thinks he misses but definitely hits.
 Um: I like that you maximize the complexity of everything you could do,
   but don’t add up your numbers correctly.
Kanye kills the fanatic with that hit and almost kills the last barbarian with another, before finishing her off with the blunt end of his polearm.
There is now one dude left. He’s pretty creepy and is definitely fighting to the death instead of running away.
Nissa decides the next thing that’s most important for her to do is to sing Barbie girl.
The fanatic is repulsed and backs into a wall.
The group confirms no one else is talking damage from the song.
Carlos briefly considers casting Fireball on the remaining wimp.
Carlos instead casts Firebolt, whiffs, then throws up double middle fingers.
Averlyth throws out another thorny whip to pull the guy directly to Kanye for an opportunity attack. Nissa got one too, but just narrowly avoids stabbing him. Kanye deals damage, but not enough to kill him. Averlyth goes to finish him off with the spiritual weapon, but misses.
Suddenly, he’s hovering in the air. His eyes are glowing red, he’s talking very quickly, and there’s an unearthly glow coming from him. Something something about us being fools to go against he who sleeps yada yada we're all gonna die and then his head explodes from overchanneling or something.
Nissa flips into the air from the impact, landing into Kanye’s harness dramatically. Kanye staggers, although he doesn’t fall. Um remains perched on the ceiling, Averlyth and Carlos are both knocked down.
And then there’s a sickening squelch as the rest of the body falls over.
 Nissa: Hey, is that 80% of a body?
The group takes the chance to catch their breath and reassess the floor.
Carlos makes an apple pipe and hangs out in the back. Averlyth goes looking for religious tracts and pamphlets - not much luck, but she’s able to find a healing potion that she immediately downs. Kanye does his best to shake the body to loot it and gathers 29 gold pieces. Nissa loots through the wizard school stuff and finds a scroll of lesser restoration. Um unfortunately found nothing.
The group takes another short rest before continuing up the tower.
This time, when we head up to the next floor, it’s quiet up until we approach the entrance. We hear inhuman voices coming from the next floor, the nauseatingly familiar croaking of the Slaads. As we step into the landing, we see 2 red Slaads standing over the bodies of cultists and 1 blue Slaad overseeing them.
They turn to face us as we arrive. They appear unconcerned, but block our way anyways.
Category:Episodes