No-Life's Home Alone/transcript

This article is a transcript of the video No-Life's Home Alone, released on December 25, 2018 by The Philmer.
* INTRO [„Card Party" from Mario Party 5 plays]
* [Title of the video appears, so does No-Life]
* No-Life: OMG! WHAT A STUPID FONT!
* [A weight with a sign „Created and written by Dr. Saturn and Phil77 Cartons” falls on him]
* [Opening credits continue]
* [No-Life screams]
* [A boxing glove with „Based on 'Home Alone' by Chris(tmas) Columbus" written on it hits him]
* [No-Life's House, No-Life is shown sleeping in bed]
* No-Life's Dad: Wake up, soldier! Wake up!
* No-Life: [wakes up and screams] Are You a Ghost of the Past Christmas?!
* No-Life's Dad: [Darth Vader's voice] No. I am your father.
* No-Life: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
* No-Life's Dad: Don't shout like you're possessed and pack your things instead, because we're going to Auntie Florence from Paris.
* No-Life: Of course, on snowy Christmas! And of course there will be bloody rain. Just classic Polish Christmas! But in Spain!
* No-Life's Dad: First of all - it's France. Second of all - don't use words like this, or you'll have a computer ban till the end of the year.
* No-Life: Today is December 23rd. There's... [counts for a few seconds] 8 days left!
* No-Life's Dad: I mean... To the end of the next year. Yeah. And... Don't be sassy! [No-Life screams loudly] No-Life behave yourself. Now. I must go change your sister's diaper.
* [cut to No-Life watching snow through his window]
* No-Life: It's snowing. I could do so many things right now... I could build a snowman with my friends... Hold on... I don't have friends! [sobbing in No-Life-ish]
* [sad violin music plays]
* No-Life: I DON'T NEED THEM! I can watch some TV instead!
* [cut to No-Life watching television in the living room]
* Commercial: ...I to jedno z wielkich życzeń, pokój ludziom w każdy czas! Święta to magiczny czas, Merc-
* [No-Life's Mom comes in and takes out the TV plug]
* No-Life's Mom: No-Life, did you pack your things?
* No-Life: No, I didn't! Because I'm not going anywhere!
* No-Life's Mom: You're going. Don't complain.
* [No-Life screams loudly again]
* No-Life's Mom: Pack yourself quickly, because grandma and grandpa are going to arrive in a minute.
* [Doorbell rings]
* No-Life: No way! No way! I'm not going anywhere with those old bags of wrinkles!
* No-Life's Grandma: Ja ci dam kurwa! Gdzie pieniądze są za las? (I'll show you, kurwa! Where's the money for my forest?)
* No-Life's Grandpa: Pierdol się. (Fuck you.)
* No-Life's Dad: Enough. You're getting shame to us. Now go to the attic and wait there until we call you.
* [cut to No-Life's Dad packing their things to the trunk]
* No-Life's Mom: Honey, is everything packed yet? Our plane to Paris arrives in one hour.
* [A bush, from which binoculars come out, is shown]
* [Two people on the other side hear the car drive away]
* Tobias Sanders: Alright. They're gone. Now we only have to wait till the night falls.
* Larry Mealey: I don't understand.
* Tobias Sanders: Well, we cannot break into that house in the middle of the day, eh?
* Larry Mealey: Uh... huh?
* Tobias Sanders: [sighs] If they are going to Paris, they must be freakin' rich! 
* Larry Mealey: Who's Paris?
* Tobias Sanders: It's the capital of France, you moron!
* Larry Mealey: Why are you calling me names?
* Tobias Sanders: Ughh. Just shut up! We'll come back here at night.
* [cut to No-Life sitting on an old matress on the attic]
* No-Life: HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT?!
* [Spongebob '2000 years later' time card]
* No-Life: [screams]
* [Spongebob 'One eternity later' time card]
* No-Life: Shut up, stupid lector! 
* [comes downstairs] 
* No-Life: OMG! THEY LEFT ME! I can do whatever I want!
* [cut to No-Life standing on a table, about to sing]
* No-Life: Tonight... Wait, the video will get the copyright strike... And I shouldn't know this song if I am annoying 9-year-old... I know what to do!
* [Crab Rave plays]
* [a text appears, saying "MY PARENTS LEFT ME FOR STARVATION"]
* [No-Life is running through the living room, opens the fridge, takes out cake and cuts a slice, only to take the bigger part; then he is sliding down the balustrade, but it suddenly ends and he hits the ground, screaming]
* [scared birds are flying away from the house]
*[No-Life is watching television in the evening, doorbell rings and he gets up]
*No-Life: Aaaah! This must be my Playstation 4! PLAYSTATION! Playstation I bought for my mom's money! 
*[opens the door, but sees Tobias and Larry instead] 
*No-Life: Hold up! The dog's ass! Hold up! It's just some campers in front of my house!
*[closes the door]
*No-Life: They'll steal my computer... And my console... And everything valuable to me... They don't know who they pissed off! I'M NOT GONNA TURN MYSELF IN!
*[outside]
*Tobias: *grunts* We're coming for that kid!
*Larry: I don't understand.
*Tobias: You will enter by window. Now, get the plungers.
*Larry: What are the plungers?
*Tobias: Jesus, Larry, these sticks with red suckers at the end... Ugh... Eh. You know what? I'll go there.
*[Tobias starts climbing up the wall, but when he gets close to No-Life's window, it opens and No-Life punches him with a keyboard]
*[Tobias falls, but quickly gets up]
*Tobias: What a clever son of a... Gosh. We'll enter by the backdoor.
*No-Life: From the back? Dick move!
*[The criminals look out from behind the wall to check if area is clear]
*Tobias: [points at the door] Right. Now... Break this door. [throws the crowbar to Larry]
*Larry: Er... I can't.
*Tobias: Just break the freaking door! [Larry throws the crowbar at the door] You weenie, I'll do it!
*[The door is broken and they enter the living room]
*Larry: Carefully, boss!
*Tobias: Ugh, shut up. What could a stupid kid do to us?
*[Tobias slips on a Lego-like brick]
*Larry: O, that seems fun! I'll try it too!
*[Larry repeats the move and falls on Tobias]
*Tobias: I swear! If you do at least one thing right, you'll get... even two percent of the wack.
*No-Life: 2:0 for me!
*Tobias: There he is! Get him!
*Larry: I don't understand!
*Tobias: Just run after him!
*[He runs towards No-Life, who is standing on the staircase and shoots him from a potato gun]
*[the potato hits Larry's genitalia]
*Tobias: You little...
*No-Life: Me little what? [shoots out another potato, which lands in Tobias's mouth] And parents told me CS: GO isn't useful!
*[back in his room, No-Life plays That Old Cop Movie on computer with the door closed]
*[outside the room, the criminals hear the cop's voice]
*Cop from the movie: Hands up! Weapons down.
*Tobias: Carefully, Larry... We might not want to joke with them.
*[Larry slowly opens the door and a can of red paint splashes on his hair, so he heads back]
*Larry: Man, my new Hollywood style friese!
*Tobias: What a sadistic child!
*Larry: What is a child?
*Tobias: YOU! By your level of intelligence!
*[No-Life screams from behind their backs and knocks them down]
TBA
Category:Videos transcripts