Waste Money, Die Better

The sixth episode of season three, and one of my favorite ones! Enjoy!
==Script==
Normal text = The character is speaking normally. Italic text = The character is singing.
*(The episode begins with the outside of town hall.)
*US: (voice only): The city of Townsville! (cut to the interior of town hall) ....Is the name, right?
*Dep. Mayor: I think you watch too many cartoons, mayor.
*US: Well, I think you should wear a red dress and have a sexy voice, but we don't see that happening, do we?
*Dep. Mayor: (thinking): Wait..... this is my chance to impress US! But, I just quit my dress addiction.... ah, who cares? This is for..... the love of my life. (talking): Well, we'll see..... (winks)
*US: What day is it?
*Dep. Mayor: Wednesday. Which seems to be the day here every day in USville....
*US: Townsville. And perfect! That means today's the day! Let's go! 
*(Cut to Rack in his house; he's eating lunch in the kitchen.)
*Rack: Mm, good ol' zucchini bread.
*(Suddenly, Rig bursts in and NH is running after her; Rig is entirely covered in mud.)
*NH: Get back here, imbecile! You are going to take a bath and that's final!
*Rig: But you never bathe! 
*NH: That's beside the point! My fluffy fur is too fluffy to be bathed, hooligan!
*Rack: Guys, could you go back outside? I'm trying to eat.
*Rig: Aw, play time's over? Okay!
*(Rig shakes all the mud off her fur, making the kitchen completely messy.)
*Rack: (eye twitch): Well, I've been wanting to replace this... very unique color scheme that took days to paint.... with lavender anyway! Time to go to the store..... do any of you two want anything while I'm gone?
*NH: Hm... Rig, get me my thinking cube!
*(Rig puts a cardboard box over NH.)
*NH: Excellent, time to think. (mutters quietly to self)
*Rig: Aw, but Rackles, I've never been to a store before. Can't we come? I've been meaning to get a certain movie anyway.
*Rack: Okay! NH can come too!
*NH: (voice only): Thanks a lot, Rig. 
*Rig: Adventures are fun though! What are you gonna get though?
*NH: (voice only): You......... shall..... (flips cardboard off) ....see!
*Rig: 'Kay.
*(US and Dep. Mayor arrive in a large limo, which Dep. is driving.)
*US: Yo. Wanna go shopping? 
*Rack & Rig: Yes!
*NH: Reluctantly. 
*(Rack, NH and Rig get in the car and the five now go to the store; they then get out of the car, where a greeter is about to greet them.)
*Rack: Wow, it looks great! 
*(The "W's" on Wally World fall on someone.)
*NH: Very. 
*Greeter: (goofy voice): Why welcome to the super spectacular special supper sloppy Wally World! I'm the owner of it, and I wanted to personally greet you! The name's Wally, what's you guys'?
*NH: Yeah, let's just get inside this dump already. 
*Wally: But.... (serious, threatening voice): If you ever steal from my store, prepare to greet my fists! (puts fist close to NH's face; back to goofy voice): 'Kay?
*NH: 'Kay.
*(Wally stares at them; they then get inside Wally World.)
*Rig: Lookie! A clown!
*(A clown smiles, with very sharp teeth.)
*Rack: (screams): Let's just go shopping. We probably don't have enough money to pay him anyway.
*Rig: But-
*Rack: (yelling): Let's go shopping! 
*Rig: Okay...... 
*Dep. Mayor: Uh, Miss US, if you don't mind me asking, why did you come here anyway?
*US: You don't remember? It's Wally World Wednesday! It's the day where I stand around a bunch of ugly and disgusting people so I can look glorious! Like this low life! 
*(US poses alongside Puberty Worker.)
*Puberty Worker: Aw.... and to think I'm doing this for minimum wage... at least I can get my zit pads....
*(US then gives a noogie to a blonde girl.)
*US: Ew, miniskirts is so not you. I can see your butt. 
*(The girl runs away crying.)
*(US then poses with a large woman, who wears lime green pajama pants and a shirt so small her entire stomach is sticking out.)
*Woman: How dare you?! I am not a joke! Mind your own business! I am a headstrong, strong, powerful woman who just happens to be a little overweight!
*US: A little? Your stomach is hangin' out! Get a new shirt, "Fatcine"!
*Woman: That's it! 
*(The woman uses her stomach to smack US right in the head.)
*US: (dazed): Maybe I should make it only once a month....
*Dep. Mayor: That wasn't very nice, US. People have feelings. 
*US: Even this old dude?
*(US poses alongside Old Man, who is riding on a pony ride.)
*US: Um.... why are you riding on a kiddie ride?
*Old Man: Because..... I like Perky Pony, okay?! I like to imagine she's Mr. Ed's wife. 
*Rack: That's okay. Wanna come shopping with us? 
*US: You never learn, do you? 
*Old Man: Sure! I need to get some diapers anyway! 
*Rack: For your grandson?
*Old Man: Yes...... right....... my grandson.... (rubs back of head, in embarrassment)
*Rack: Well let's continue! 
*(The six walk to a worker.)
*Rack: Uh, hi! Do you know where the breakfast food aisle is?
*Puberty Worker: The breakfast food aisle is down in 111.
*(They all laugh, trying to stifle their laughter.)
*Puberty Worker: Hey, four of you guys went through what I'm going through! 
*Dep. Mayor: Well, three...
*(Rack, NH, Old Man and Puberty Worker stare at Dep. Mayor, with Dep. blushing.)
*Rack: Thank you! 
*Puberty Worker: Oh, by the way.... you gettin' some strudel? 
*Rack: Yeah.... oh, "ja". (chuckles)
*Puberty Worker: (snickering): Well, I know the best way to enjoy it.... put ice cream on it!
*Rack: (Southern accent): Well, sure thing, buckero! It sure is! (laughs nervously) 
*Puberty Worker: Now you got it! (he gives Rack a thumbs up)
*(Rack gives one back, then shakes his head as he walks away with the others.)
*Puberty Worker: Now, Isadore, give me that box!
*Isadore: Shut your hole. 
*(Isadore knocks down all the boxes and puts one in Puberty Worker's mouth, with Puberty Worker struggling to take it off.)
*(Cut back to the gang in an aisle; a woman with two ferrets on pink leashes passes by.)
*US: I hate kittens! 
*(NH snickers.)
*Rack: Huh? What's the joke? 
*US: Nothing, you wouldn't get it. 
*(The ferrets oddly run to cat food, causing a spill in that aisle and getting away from the old lady.)
*Old Lady: Aw, and I just got them a day ago!
*NH: Take comfort in the fact that you tortured them by wearing those repulsive leashes and not allowing them to be free. 
*(The old lady cries, with the gang staring at NH.)
*NH: What? Honesty is the best policy. 
*Intercom Announcer: Clean up on Aisle 111. 
*Puberty Worker (on intercom): Again? That old bat needs to stop getting ferrets...
*(The old lady runs away, crying; an overweight employee in a shopping cart comes.)
*Employee: No, I'll clean it up! Just, in a couple hours. 
*(The six walk away to a new aisle.)
*Rack: Alright guys, let's do a "you-ee"!
*US: Wha?
*Rack: ......A U-turn. 
*US: You try too hard.
*Rack: I know.
*(The six are in the "death" aisle.)
*Rack: I don't have a good feeling about these caskets and urns...
*US: Why? You know you're gonna be in either one of those when you die.
*Rack: Yeah, but I don't want my body in something that'll be infested with bugs and old skin! 
*Old Man: I heard that! 
*US: Okay, so you'd rather be almost entirely destroyed with just ashes remaining and possibly someone drinking it? 
*Rack: Stop it! I don't wanna die!
*US: I don't get his problem; this is the perfect time to practice (gets in casket and closes it)
*Rig: (in urn): Yay, hide and seek!
*(Rack bumps into someone.)
*Rack: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was.... going....
*(Rack sees that he bumped into a hillbilly family.)
*Hillbilly: Well howdy there! 
*Rack: Uh... hi.
*Ma: Oh where are my manners? Hello there, little girl!
*Rack: I'm a boy, act-
*Pa: Nice to meet ya. 
*Hillbilly: My name's Hillbilly. You wanna by my friend?
*Rack: Uh... 
*Hillbilly: I'll take that as a yes!
*(Hillbilly shakes Rack's hand; it's now very dirty.)
*Hillbilly: Wait! You still haven't met my brother! Cletus!
*Cletus: (voice only): What now, Hillbilly?
*Hillbilly: I want you to meet my new friends!
*Cletus: (voice only): No thanks! Every time I meet your friends they either get killed, injured and lose their memory! 
*Hillbilly: That was just the one time! Forget you! 
*Ma: Now, Cle- Hillbilly!
*Hillbilly: Ma! Did you almost call me Cletus?
*Ma: Yes, but, you two look so familiar.
*Hillbilly: No I do not! Cletus is a yaller dog and I am a hero!
*Ma: Oh please, Hillbilly.
*Hillbilly: Let me guess, Ma! It's that time of the month again idn't it? Idn't it?! 
*Ma: You get outta the store...
*Hillbilly: Fine!
*Pa: Good, I've been meaning to learn how to tie my shoes. Come, Cletus!
*Cletus: (voice only): In a minute! 
*(Practically all the hillbillies walk away.)
*US: Uh........ what just happened?
*NH: Filler.
*(A baby is heard crying.)
*NH: Great, even better.
*Man: (voice only): Grandma! Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you need to wear a birthday suit!
*Old Man: That's my cue!
*(Old Man runs after her; leaving the five blinking speechless.)
*Rack: Well, uh, how about we all split up to find our things?
*(Everyone except Rack quickly runs away from him.)
*Rack: ....Gee, thanks. Good, there's the lavender coat. And, mm, here it is. Toast strudel, ja? (chuckles)
*(Cut to NH.)
*NH: Ah, here it is! "Evil Geniuses - For Nincompoops"! ....What? Don't judge me! (sees a retro tech stash) Hm.... I do like listening to the Watergate tapes....
*(NH steals a disc from the retro tech stash.)
*Puberty Worker: Did you steal this floppy disc from our retro tech stash? 
*NH: (Nixon voice): I am not a crook!
*(Cut to US.)
*US: What was I gonna get again? Oh yeah, nothing, because I came here to make people feel terrible. (laughs) Uh, I guess a box of chocolates... for myself, of course.
*(Cut to Rig.)
*Rig: Yay! I can finally get that film I've been wanting! "I and My Pie"! But, aw.... I want the pie candies... well, you know what they say... DAYCTAWATWIC! Do all you can today and worry about tomorrow when it comes!
*(Cut to Dep. Mayor.)
*Dep. Mayor: Okay, got the red dress! Now, to practice sounding like a woman. (feminine, sexy voice): Oh, hi, Miss US. (normal voice): That'll work! And..... aw, what the heck? Lemme get her something else! Hm... (snaps finger): A lamp! Perfect! Oh, Miss US will be (feminine voice) so proud of me!
*(Cut to Old Man.)
*Old Man: (whistling the Andy Griffith theme): Good ol' show tunes. (spots adult diaper rack) Perfect! 
*Old Lady #2: They're mine, bucko! 
*Old Man: Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you try! 
*Old Lady #2: Oh, yeah? I was that "naked grandma" from earlier.
*Old Man: Y-you were?
*Old Lady #2: Yep. 
*(She poses and Old Man enjoys; seeing as she dropped the package, Old Man steals it from her.)
*Old Man: (running): I win!
*(The six then meet up.)
*Rack: Okay, before we checkout, did everyone get everything they wanted?
*US: Oh! That's right! I forgot my... (grabs it from sample stand) Bran eyes!
*NH: Bran eyes? I have Brain eyes for breakfast. That's some good brain food.
*Rack: Alright, let's get in the line! 
*(It turns out the line is ridiculously long; cuts to what is holding up the line.)
*Ma: Cletus! It's time for us to go home! 
*Hillbilly: Yeah, yaller dog! Let's get out of here, or I'll make a hootenanny outta you!
*Ma: I thought I told you to get out of the store!
*Pa: I just wanna tie my shoes!
*Cletus: (voice only): Sorry, ma! I just can't decide what to get!
*Ma: Well hurry up now boy or I'll give you a good ol' whopping!
*Rack: Could this get any worse?
*???: Rack? Is that you?
*Rack: Ms. Inbetween?! What are you doing here?!
*Ms. Inbetween: What? Do you think I just live in that classroom?
*(Ms. Inbetween laughs.)
*Rack: Well, no... 
*Ms. Inbetween: Is there something wrong with me getting a surprise visit from my favorite student?
*Rack: Uh... 
*Ms. Inbetween: Because, if so, I guess I'll tell Theresa to come visit you later....
*Rack: Wait! It's fine.
*Theresa: (walking): Good. Lunch at 12? (kisses Rack's forehead)
*Rack: Lunch at 12.
*(Theresa walks away, waving her hand giddily.)
*NH: She sure is quite the charmer.
*Ms. Inbetween: Ugh, what is taking that line so long?
*(Cut back to the front; the hillbillies are still yelling for Cletus.)
*Hillbilly: Cletus! This is your last chance! If you don't accept it this time, you're stayin' here!
*Ma: Excuse me, who are the parents here?
*Cashier: Look, lady. I don't like this job as much as you like times of the month; but could you please move?
*Ma: Fine. We'll see you at the orphanage, Cletus.
*Cletus: (voice only): Fine with me!
*(Hillbilly blows a raspberry.)
*Pa: Finally! Now I can tie my shoes!
*(Most of the hillbilly family leave.)
*NH: Finally, enough of this filler.
*Intercom Announcer: And now, a song for everyone to enjoy. (song): My Little Show.... 
*NH: Not this song! 
*Singer: My Little Show...
*Singer: Ahhhhhhh....
*Singer: My Little Show!
*NH: I used to wonder what dictatorship would be.. Wait, why did I say that? (covers mouth)
*Singer: My Little Show!
*Rig: (with pie): Until you baked this pie with me!
*(NH facepalms.)
*Cashier: Next. Next! Next!
*Rack: Oh, sorry. That song is so catchy. Anyway, get your stuff, guys! 
*(Everyone puts their items on a moving line; the Cashier checks them all.)
*Cashier: There, there. Now get outta my sight.
*(NH spots a checkout lane that automatically transports people out.)
*NH: You're jok- ah, whatever, we're done at least. 
*(The six leave the store.)
*Wally: (goofy voice): Please come back to my store again! (threatening voice): Or else...
*NH: Nutcase. 
*Rig: And I thought squirrels' heads were full of nuts!
*Rack: So what'd you get, guys? I got my new lavender paint and my cinnamon toaster strudel. Mm, ja?
*NH: Eh, I just got my book and my (Nixon voice, shaking head) floppy disc!
*US: I got some box of chocolates for myself and some bran eyes; you gotta love alphabet cereal! 
*Rig: I got my movie and (whispers to viewer) the pie candies! (winks)
*Dep. Mayor: I got a lamp and (suddenly is in dress and feminine voice) am what US wished for. 
*US: .......You can have my chocolates. 
*Dep. Mayor: (still with feminine voice): And I just came up with a new song....
*Dep. Mayor: Dryer sheets (snaps finger) Dryer sheets (snaps finger)...
*US: Marry me! 
*(Dep. Mayor blushes.)
*Old Man: And I got my diapers and class theme songs DVD! Now to learn how to use one of those darned things.... 
*US: You know? All of those things sound itter! Let's go to my place and a have a party! 
*All: Dryer sheets....... (snap fingers)
*(It is a purple background and shows still images of the cast after the party; Rack is stuffing his face with cinnamon toaster strudels, NH has a "Nixon for 2016" tattoo on his chest and holds up both hands with two fingers, implying peace; US quickly eats her "Bran eyes" cereal eying Dep. Mayor; Rig bites on her candy with her mouth open, causing it to fall down in pieces; Dep. Mayor is still in his dress and has a microphone, holding his box of chocolates near his actual heart; finally, Old Man is still singing along with old theme songs.)
*Narrator: So once again, the day is wasted - thanks for wasting it with, the lovable gang! 
*THE END.
==Credits==
===Starring===
*Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
*New Heathera as NH
*Utter solitude as US
*Kait Dunlap as Rig 
*Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
*Old Man as Old Man 
*Puberty Worker as Puberty Worker
*Hillbilly as Hillbilly
*Ma as Ma
*Pa as Pa
*Cletus as Cletus
*Ms. Inbetween as Ms. Inbetween 
*Cashier as Cashier 
*Wally as Wally
*Theresa as Theresa 
*Intercom Announcer as Intercom Announcer
*Customers as Customers 
*Workers as Workers 
*Song Singer as Song Singer
*Narrator as Narrator 
===Writing===
*Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, Kait Dunlap, New Heathera, Utter solitude, Rigbybestie1510, Sboy13 and Arturo3x!
===Thanks===
*To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.
*To all the writers for adding to the episode and most mentioning their experiences as WalMart.
==Songs==
===My Little Show===
*Lyrics by: Rigbybestie1510 and Rackliffelikespurple
*Intercom Announcer: And now, a song for everyone to enjoy. (song): My Little Show....
*NH: Not this song!
*Singer: My Little Show...
*Singer: Ahhhhhhh....
*Singer: My Little Show!
*NH: I used to wonder what dictatorship would be.. Wait, why did I say that? (covers mouth)
*Singer: My Little Show!
*Rig: (with pie): Until you baked this pie with me!
*(NH facepalms.) 
===Dryer Sheets===
*Lyrics by: Rackliffelikespurple
====Versions====
=====Dep. Mayor only=====
*Dep. Mayor: (still with feminine voice): And I just came up with a new song....
*Dep. Mayor: Dryer sheets (snaps finger) Dryer sheets (snaps finger)...
*US: Marry me!
*(Dep. Mayor blushes.) 
=====All=====
*All: Dryer sheets....... (snap fingers)
==Other==
I really love this one, especially since most of us know how odd WalMart can be. :P 
Thanks for reading! :D
Category:Episodes