Does That Sparkle With All The Boys?

== Synopsis ==
The fourth grade boys decide to make a list about the girls in their grade from hottest to ugliest; the girls get suspicious about it.
== Disclaimer ==
All characters and events in this show— even those based on real people— are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated…poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
== Episode ==
South Park Elementary Cafeteria. At the table at the far left sit Wendy, Bebe, Red, Robyn, Nichole, Heidi and Sophie. 
Annie: [walks towards the table] Girls! Guess what? 
Bebe: What is it?
Annie: Okay. So I was talking to Butters, right? He said that Scott Malkinson said that Clyde told him that the boys in our class are making a list that rates every girl’s looks from hottest to ugliest.
Sophie: Who do they say is the hottest? 
Annie: I dunno.
Red: Who do they say is the ugliest? 
Annie: I don’t know. They won’t let anyone see the list but them. [turns around and looks at the boys. The other girls look as well. Nearby, the boys chat among themselves, but they stop when they see the girls looking. Silence.]
Cartman: [whispers to Stan] ..What the fuck are they looking at? 
Stan: [whispers back] I don’t know. [looks at Wendy and waves, smiling] 
Wendy: [waves back, smiling]
Bebe: If they’re making a list, they have to be 100% honest about us all and how we look.
Robyn: Does looks matter? 
Red: Um, hello? Hottest to ugliest? Of course it’s looks.
Robyn: [facepalms] God, help me. 
Nichole: I hope personality counts. 
Heidi: Oh, I hope so.
Wendy: You guys, who cares if the boys make a list about us?
Sophie: Yeah, Wendy’s right. Who cares who’s the hottest or ugliest, am I right? [the girls all glare at Sophie] What? 
Red: Do you think you’re the hottest or something? 
Sophie: What? No!
Bebe: Don’t play dumb, Sophie. The boys were all over you ever since you moved here.
Sophie: They don’t do it anymore. 
Heidi: Didn’t we make a list similar to what the boys are doing?
Bebe: Yeah, but this is different. Instead of cute, they’re saying hot. Hot is another level of cute. 
Wendy: So?
Bebe: So we have to figure out who’s the hottest girl in our grade. 
Robyn: We don’t have to. Like Wendy said, who cares?? Do you guys really care about what the boys have to say about your rank in looks? [the girls look at each other for a few seconds] 
-
The hallway, after lunch. Clyde is at his locker. Bebe leads a small group of girls to them.
Bebe: All right, Clyde. Let’s see the list. 
Clyde: [turns his head to look at her] Huh? 
Bebe: You know what I’m talking about, Clyde. 
Clyde: Oh. That’s not for you dumb girls to look at, okay? 
Red: Wow, I just got offended. [places her hand on her chest]
Bebe: Just tell me who’s the hottest girl in our grade, okay? I won’t tell the others. 
Annie: [mutters] You will so..
Clyde: Look, I’m not telling and you can’t do anything to make me tell you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. [walks away] 
Bebe: ..Asshole. 
Clyde looks around for a moment before entering the boys bathroom. The main boys, Butters and Tolkien are in the bathroom; Kenny holding the list. 
Clyde: Dudes, they’re already getting suspicious. 
Cartman: Yeah, they’re fucking girls. What do you expect? 
Clyde: Yeah. [looks at Kenny] Kenny, I’m counting on you to hold the list. 
Kenny: (Okay.)
Clyde: [turns to Kyle] Kyle, did you get the votes from the boys?
Kyle: Yep. Jimmy emailed them to me.
Stan: Okay, let’s focus here. Did we all agree on who will be number three? I voted for Robyn.
Kyle: Yeah, me too.
Kenny: (Robyn.)
Cartman: I voted her number seven. 
Clyde: What?! You guys are blind. She should be number one.
Tolkien: If the majority wants her to be number three and you’re the only one who thinks that she should be number one, who wins the debate?
Clyde: ..Whatever. 
Kenny: (Robyn… number three.) [writes it down]
Stan: What about number five? 
Butters: Ooh! How about Annie as number five? 
Cartman: How about we not? 
Kenny: (Kiara? She’s pretty cute.)
Clyde: Kenny, hot and cute are two different words. 
Stan: Do we all agree that Kiara should be number five? 
Everyone: Yes.
Kenny: [writes it down, nodding] (Mhm.) 
Stan: Oooh, Nichole?
Tolkien: I’d say number one, but if you guys don’t think so, then number six. 
Kyle: I’d say number two, but I’ll agree with Tolkien on this one. 
Kenny: (Okay.) [writes it down]
Cartman: You guys are just saying that because you, Kyle almost dated her and you, Tolkien because she’s your girlfriend. 
Tolkien: Oh, yeah? Where should we put Heidi? 
Cartman: Number eight. Boom. That’s so easy. 
Stan: Red?
Butters: Hmm.. number eleven? 
Cartman: That’s where we’re putting Tammy Nelson, stupid. 
Butters: Oh. How about number ten? 
Kyle: Yeah, that’s where I imagine her to be. 
Clyde: This is hard. There are so many hot girls here.
Kenny: (Yeah, I know what you mean.)
Clyde: One of them happens to be your friend, Stan. Can we change her place to number one?
Stan: Clyde, we all agreed to have Robyn placed as number three. That’s still good! 
Clyde: Oh. Wait, why did you guys have her as number three? 
Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny look at each other, then at Clyde.
Cartman: Are you trying to say something?
Clyde: Maybe. 
Kyle: ..She’s just a friend. Don’t worry. 
Clyde: But you guys agreed to-
Stan: Clyde, okay? Just help us with the order.
Clyde: Okay.
Kenny: (Lola?)
Cartman: I’d say number thirteen.
Kyle: [looks at his phone] The majority has Esther as number thirteen.
Cartman: Fine. How about twelve? 
Kenny: (Sounds good.) [writes it down]
-
The Stevens Residence, inside Bebe’s room. The girls are gathered; Red paces back in forth.
Red: So, the boys think that they can make a list about us without showing at least one of us? 
Annie: I know, it’s so weird. When did we ever do that to them?
Bebe: Um, hello? Season Eleven? 
Annie: Oh. 
Nichole: I mean, if you guys did the same to them, I guess it’s pretty ironic. 
Bebe: Screw that, Nichole. We’re not backing down.
Kiara: [raises her hand] Excuse me?
Bebe: Yeah?
Kiara: Why the hell am I here?
Bebe: Because you’re featured on the list the boys made. 
Kiara: I don’t care about a fucking list.
Bebe: You should. You’re reputation would be messed up.
Kiara: What reputation?
Bebe: ..For being emo? 
Kiara: ..I won’t say anything else.
Wendy: I’m sorry, Bebe, this is just ridiculous in every way possible. 
Robyn: Exactly. Like, take Kyle for example. Do you really care about what Kyle thinks of how you look? 
Red: ..Yeah. He’s Kyle. One of the hottest boys in the fourth grade. 
Robyn: Okay? But if he’s a- 
Bebe: Robyn, you’re friends with them, aren’t you? Maybe you can convince them to show you the list and then you can tell us where they placed us.
Robyn: Yeah, right. 
Bebe: Aw, come on! Aren’t you just a little curious about where they put you? 
Robyn: ..I can actually sense where they put me.
Bebe: Where did they put you? 
Robyn: Nope. Not telling. [crosses her arms]
Sophie opens the door and enters the room, waving at the girls and smiling at them.
Sophie: Hi, girls! [the girls all look at each other, then glare at Sophie, except for Robyn, Wendy, Annie and Nichole] What is it now? 
Bebe: [looks at Sophie up and down] Hello, Sophie. Nice seeing you here. 
Red: Yeah, what took you so long to come?
Sophie: Oh. I went to the store with my mom and helped her pick out some outfits. 
Annie: Was that all? 
Sophie: ..Yeah? 
Heidi: You sure? 
Sophie: …Yes. Look, did I do something wrong? You guys have been acting like this ever since I moved here and I don’t appreciate the way you’re all acting. 
Wendy: It’s not you, Sophie. We like you! It’s just.. you caught the boys attention and maybe we’re just.. um.
Sophie: Jealous?
Nichole: Yeah, that’s it. 
Sophie: I think you guys are prettier than me! Honestly, you guys are probably higher than me on that list. 
Annie: You really think so?
Sophie: I know so.
Bebe: …Get the fuck out of my house. 
Sophie: [is stunned, then looks disgusted] God, you guys are so obnoxious! [exits Bebe’s room] 
Kiara: Uhh.. was that like, necessary? 
Robyn: [places her hand on Kiara’s shoulder] You wouldn’t understand.
Heidi: Who do you guys think is number one?
Bebe: Obviously me… right? 
Wendy: Um.. Robyn’s probably first, right? 
Robyn: ..Maybe. 
Bebe: [to Robyn] If you can sense your number, just tell us so we can eliminate it. 
Robyn: It’s funny how desperate you guys are to find out your place on that stupid list.
Red: It’s.. kind of a big deal.
Robyn: It’s kind of not. Like Nichole said, it’s ironic how you guys made a list about them and they were desperate to find out their places, now they made a list about all of you and you’re all desperate to find out your places.
Annie: .. [whispers to Heidi] Who was number one on that list? 
Heidi: Craig.
Annie: Oh.
Bebe: Look, Robyn, if you don’t want to help us, then you can leave. We don’t need you.
Robyn: No, because if I leave then you’ll just hold me back. Plus, you know you want me to stay, so I’ll just stay.
Bebe: ..Good point.
Red: Ooh! I have a plan! 
Wendy: What is it?
Red: What if we get Robyn to-
Robyn: Nope. Not gonna happen.
Bebe: Damn it!
-
South Park Elementary, the playground. The girls are gathered around by the slide. Bebe is looking down.
Red: Well, I guess we’ll never find out who’s the hottest girl in our grade, huh?
Robyn: ..Who cares? 
Bebe: [sighs] You just don’t get it, Robyn. [looks up and sees Stan and Kyle walking towards them, Kyle is holding the list] Huh? 
Kyle: [hands the list to Wendy] Here. We know you guys want it.
Wendy: [takes the list] Wow, you’re actually giving it to us? 
Kyle: Yeah. You see, me and the guys were talking and well… making lists are pretty gay. 
Annie: Actually, it’s more of a hobby.
Kyle: Oh, well we decided to just show you guys where we put you. Don’t get offended by it to much. [walks away]
Stan: Oh, and we didn’t add every girl in our grade so just bare with us. [walks off] 
Wendy: Okay? [looks at the list] Hmmm…
The girls gather around Wendy and look at the list to see their places. Wendy moves away and stands in front of them.
Nichole: What number am I?
Red: Where did they put me?
Heidi: Am I somewhere in the middle?
Wendy: I’ll start with the ugliest if that’s okay with you guys. 
Bebe: Okay! That’s much better.
Wendy: Lisa Berger-
Red: Of course she was last. 
Bebe: Yeah, please continue, Wendy.
Wendy: Nelly, Millie, Esther, Lola, Tammy…
Robyn: I wouldn’t call them ugly at all. They’re pretty average. 
Wendy: Hmm.. Ooh! Red, you’re number ten. 
Red: What?! They couldn’t rank me higher than that?
Wendy: [shrugs] Sophie is number nine.
Red: ..Hey, at least she’s not higher than that. 
Bebe: Ugh, I know. She isn’t even all that cute.
Wendy: Heidi, you’re number eight. Annie’s number seven…
Annie: That’s pretty good! 
Heidi: [shrugs] I’m okay with that.
Wendy: Nichole’s number six. Kiara’s number five.
Nichole: Oh, that’s cool. [smiles]
Kiara: [sarcastically] I made the top five? Wow, that’s a shocker. 
Wendy: Bebe’s number four..-
Bebe: Number four? Hmm.. I wonder who’s number one. 
Wendy: Robyn’s number three..
Robyn: I mean, they aren’t wrong. [grins] 
Wendy: I’m number two… [looks shocked at number one] Wow.
Red: What? Who’s number one?
Wendy: …Henrietta Biggle.
Bebe: What?! [looks over at The Goth Corner and sees Henrietta with the other Goth Kids]
Annie: I mean, she’s pretty cute. 
Bebe: No, Annie. They didn’t use cute. They used hot. She is not hot at all!
Annie: Oh.
Robyn: I’ll go have a word with them. [walks to the boys, grinning] Hey, guys.
Stan: Hey. You have a problem with your number? 
Robyn: No, but they have a problem with you guys having Henrietta as the hottest girl in the fourth grade.
Craig: Don’t look at me.
Clyde: …Her thighs? Body? Boobs?
Cartman: Yeah, what Clyde said.
Stan: Oh, and her voice.
Kenny: (She’s also pretty when you actually look at her.)
Kyle: Yeah, I actually had Heidi as number one but uh-
Cartman: Shut up, Kahl. 
Kyle: I’m just saying. The majority all voted for Henrietta to be number one.
Tolkien: Tell them not to get offended by it. We made it for fun.
Robyn: Yeah, I know. Oh, I also have a question.
Clyde: What?
Robyn: Why did you guys choose to put me as number three? 
The main boys look at each other, then at Robyn.
Cartman: Are you- Are you trying to say something? 
Robyn: You guys think I’m hot or something? 
Clyde: Yeah. I wanted you to be number one, but my dumb friends wanted you as number three.
Kyle: Uhh.. look! We just think you’re uh…
Stan: We thought that it would be nice to put you close to.. number one? 
Robyn: [laughs and walks away] 
Kyle: [nudges Stan] I told you we should’ve had her at a low number.
Stan: I couldn’t do it dude. I had to be honest.
Kenny: (Yeah, you can’t lie. She’s fucking hot.)
Craig: You guys are sick.
Cartman: Says you, Craig. You didn’t even make the list with us, you jackass.
Craig: Glad I wasn’t apart of it either. [walks away from them]
Cartman: Pussy.