Episode 110: Harvey Korman/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 110: Harvey Korman.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Harvey Korman!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie 	My house is so dirty, my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either. (shrugs)
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Harvey Korman!
 	Harvey and Miss Piggy whisper to each other.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo hits the O and it shatters.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we got a great show for you tonight, and our special guest is one of the funniest people in the business, Harvey Korman. But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note —
 	Someone blows a trumpet in his ear.
 	
 	Meanwhile in the balcony …
Statler 	Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
 	Enter Crazy Harry, with a detonator.
Crazy Harry	(laughing) Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf 	No!
 	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him.
 	
Crazy Harry	Aw, you can't win 'em all.
 	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him again.
Kermit 	Will you hold it down up there, please? Right now let's get things started with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
 	Dissolve to the band; zoom out on Dr. Teeth's gold tooth.
Dr. Teeth 	Yeah, this is Dr. Teeth, and it's time to boogie! Three, four!
 	The band starts playing. During the song, several explosions happen on-stage.
 	
Dr. Teeth 	
I'm gonna explode an atom bomb …
And blow a hole in your soul.
I'm gonna explode an atom bomb,
And blow a hole in your soul.
I'm gonna get through to you, baby,
Before I lose control!
 	Solo.
Dr. Teeth 	
I'll break down your resistance with every trick in sight.
I know I'm gonna make you happy, baby — 
I'm gonna light some dynamite!
… and blow open your heart.
I'm gonna light some dynamite —
And blow open your heart.
I'm gonna light some dynamite,
And blast a tunnel to your love!!
 	The smoke from the last explosion makes them cough.
Floyd 	That's heavy, man.
Animal 	I like that.
Statler 	Well, that was a great number. I've always liked pantomime.
Waldorf 	That wasn't pantomime. Your hearing aid's busted again.
Statler 	What?
==Meet Animal==
 	Kermit stands next to Animal at the drums.
Animal	(panting)
Kermit	Uh, I thought uh, some of you might like to know a little bit more uh, about our drummer, whom we affectionately refer to as Animal.
Animal	Animal. Haaaahhh.
Kermit	That's his name, actually. Uh, Animal, uh, why don't you tell our audience, how long have you been playing the drums?
Animal	Uh… uh … (bangs his head on the snare as Kermit counts)
Kermit	One. Two. Three. Four. Five. For five years.
Animal	Yeah. Five.
Kermit	Yes. OK. Well, I guess uh, your drums uh, mean a great deal to you, huh?
Animal	Oh, yeah. (kisses them) Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Mwah. Oh, nice.
Kermit	You like 'em more than food, I guess, huh?
Animal	They are food. Eat drums, eat cymbals.
Kermit	(chuckles) How symbolic.
Animal	BAD PUN!!!
Kermit	Ahem. Yeah. Uh, listen, I imagine you have a lot of idols, uh …
Animal	(nods) Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit	Buddy Rich?
Animal	Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit	Gene Krupa?
Animal	Yeah. Krupa. Krupa.
Kermit	Tony Checkers?
Animal	Ton — wha?
Kermit	He's our new drummer. He begins next week.
 	Animal attacks Kermit by drumming on him.
 	
Kermit	(gets up) Then again, maybe not.
==Talking Houses==
 	Zoom in on the two left houses.
 	
House 1	My insides are killing me!
House 2	Oh, ulcers?
House 1	No. Movers.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
==Circus act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters in a tux.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, we present now what is considered to be the most dangerous animal act in the entire world. The incomparable Harvey Korman, better known as Maurice the Magnificent!
 	Open on Harvey in a circus ring, standing next to a cage.
Harvey	(cracks the whip) Hyah! (reacts to the whip-crack, then to the applause) Thank you. Now, please, shh! Shh! You must keep quiet. You don't know, but the thing goes berserk when it hears loud noises. (snarls) I hate this. But, let's get it over with. Open the cage!
 	The cage door opens. Harvey winces at what he sees inside.
Harvey	It looks particularly vicious this evening. What a horrible animal. Well, I must ask you - this is very important - when it comes out, don't anyone scream. It'll tear us all to ribbons if anyone screams. Shh! … All right. (cracks the whip) Out! Out, you demon! Out!
 	Gentle Thog peers out.
Harvey	Well, this is — Shh! Someone, someone check — someone check the first row. I think the lady fainted!
 	Thog waddles over; Harvey quickly stops him.
Harvey	No, no, no, no, no! Not you, you demon. (crack!) Back! I said back. Back! Back! Sit, you demon! Sit! Over here, you!
 	Thog sits on the platform.
Harvey	Now … listen to me.
 	Thog raises an ear.
Harvey	Give me your full attention.
 	
 	Thog raises the other ear. Harvey winces.
Harvey	Speak. Speak, you demon, speak! (crack!)
Thog 	(lowers ears) I hardly know where to begin.
Harvey	Aaah! (crack!)
Thog 	I was rereading Balzac the other day, only in translation…
Harvey	Enough! (crack!)
Thog 	Mm, you're very good with that whip, Morris.
Harvey	Quiet! (crack!)
Thog 	Morris is such a good animal trainer. He got so much patience and courage and persistence …
Harvey	Shut up!! (crack!) You're a black-hearted hell hound!!
Thog 	And love. (nuzzles up to him) What a sweet man.
Harvey	Get away from me! Get away! (crack!) Now, boy, listen to me. Here's the best part. I hate it, but it's the best part. Listen, boy. I want you to dance. Dance, you demon, dance! (crack!) Come on, dance. Move it!
 	Music plays as Thog dances.
Harvey	Dance, ballerina, dance! Move it! That's it. More lyric. That's it.
Thog 	This is really an easy trick. I wanted to ride a pony around the stage, buts Morris is afraid of ponies.
Harvey	Dance. Come on, you meaty lummox! Dance! Dance! Waltz. … Dance, you beast. … What are you doing?
 	Thog begins to waltz with Harvey, twirling him around.
Harvey	What are you doing? What are you doing? No! No! Somebody stop him. Somebody stop him! Help! Help! Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck! Someone help me! Help!
 	Thog lets go of Harvey as the music ends. Harvey ends up in the cage. Thog takes a bow.
Thog 	Thank you. Thank you.
 	Applause.
==Panel Discussion==
 	The panelists chit-chat as the theme music plays.
Kermit 	OK, uh, once again it is time to raise — just a second, uh, everyone. Once again, it's time to raise the intellectual level of the program, as we address ourselves to the topic, "What is the meaning of life?"
Panelists 	(random) Indeed. Of course. Hear hear.
Kermit 	It's a fairly simple subject. Uh, let's start off with our guest panelist, Mr. Harvey Korman.
Harvey 	Thank you. I think that life is a great deal, like a tennis game.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, no it isn't.
Harvey 	(femme voice) Oh, yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH)	No, it isn't.
Harvey 	Yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH)	No it isn't.
Harvey 	Yes it is.
 	The other panelists look back and forth at Piggy and Harvey as they argue.
 	
Miss Piggy (RH)	Life is nothing like a tennis game.
Harvey 	In a pig's eye it isn't!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Is that some kind of slam at me?
Kermit 	The ball is in your court, Harvey. The score is pig, five, guest, nothing.
Harvey 	Well, it's the first time that pig's scored in her life. (points at her and laughs)
 	They start talking over each other.
Miss Piggy (RH)	(shuffles towards Harvey) Wait a minute, wait a minute — Out of the way. Let me get through there.
Kermit 	No, no, wait a minute, uh …
Pig panelist 	Listen, that's my sister!
Kermit 	Can we have a little order here, please?
Whatnot 	Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.
Pig panelist 	That is the most insulting thing I ever heard. Listen, life is a garbage dump, if you want the truth.
Harvey 	I think that my original analysis that life is a tennis game will stand up.
Whatnot 	Well, I'm standing up. I'm sick of …
Miss Piggy (RH)	Please, sit down, sit down. You really think life is like a tennis game, huh?
Whatnot 	Is a pig pork?
Miss Piggy (RH)	What's that supposed to mean?
Whatnot 	Yeah, it means, uh, yes, I agree, of course. Life is like a tennis game. That's as clear as the nose on your face. That's some honker you got there.
Miss Piggy (RH)	How would you like a pig knuckle sandwich, you …
Whatnot 	Oh, take it to the deli, lady.
Kermit 	Please, please, uh … we are digressing, we are digressing. Can we at last get back to the issue? And the issue is life.
Harvey 	Oh, I have the last issue of Life.
Muppets 	What?
Harvey 	Yeah, before they stopped publishing. Could be worth a pretty penny.
Pig panelist 	Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once. Penny Ferguson. Used to be a dancer.
Harvey 	I love to dance.
Pig panelist 	Hey, what are you doing after the show?
Harvey 	I've got a date.
Pig panelist 	Oh, well.
Muppets 	That's life.
Kermit 	Well, once again we've solved the problem.
Panelists 	We did. We solved it. (they chit-chat)
Kermit 	Join us again next week when our subject will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"
 	The four Muppets collapse on the table, jokingly feigning death. Harvey shakes his head as the closing music plays.
Waldorf 	Yeah, you can get quite an education watching this show.
 	A beat.
Statler 	Are we watching the same show?
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred.
Mildred 	Oh, my beloved George, even though we come from two different worlds I find myself strangely attracted to you.
George the janitor	Yeah. I feel the same way.
Mildred 	(gasp) You mean, you're attracted to me?
George the janitor	No. To me. Weird, huh?
 	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig 	Say, how do you think I'd look in a porkpie hat?
Miss Piggy (RH) 	(gasp) Oh, no, you couldn't! It'd be like wearing one of our relatives.
 	Zoot dances with Janice.
Zoot 	Hey, do you wanna come over to my place and listen to the Beatles?
Janice 	Oh, I love their music.
Zoot 	What music? I mean real beetles. And some termites, and some ticks …
 	Rowlf dances with a woman.
 	
Rowlf 	Boy, does that guy have a swelled head.
Woman 	Conceited, huh?
Rowlf 	No, he's just got a swelled head. Look out!
 	POP! The man's head explodes. His partner screams.
==Backstage==
 	Harvey comes downstairs. Rowlf runs up to him, accompanied by Muppy.
Rowlf 	Hi, Harvey. Hey, you know what? You know, we've been up all night worrying about ecology.
Muppy 	(barks)
Harvey	(annoyed) I'm right in the middle of a show. I don't have time to worry about ecology.
 	
Rowlf 	Well, it's easy for you, but if all those trees go, we're in big trouble. (exits)
Harvey	(sarcastic) It's really great working with dogs.
 	Muppy gnaws at Harvey's hand.
Harvey	Oh yeah?
 	Harvey bites back, scaring Muppy away.
==UK Spot==
Dr. Teeth	All right, everybody, let's jam!
 	
 	The Mayhem plays "Sweet Tooth Jam", with Animal yelling "Jam!" throughout the number.
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Well, uh, how are you enjoying the show, Harvey?
Harvey 	Well, I don't know.
Kermit 	Oh, well, that's funny, you know. When I ask that, most of our guest stars say they're having a great time.
Harvey 	Yeah, well…
Kermit 	Aren't you having a great time?
Harvey 	You know, Kermit, you and I are good friends, aren't we? You want me to tell you the truth, don't you?
Kermit 	Only if you're having a great time. Otherwise you have my permission to lie like crazy.
Harvey 	I can't lie to you. I've got to tell you how I feel.
Kermit 	Ahem. "All right," says the frog, preparing himself to face the music. "What is the major problem?"
Harvey 	The major problem is that … (close to tears) … I'm the only human being on this show.
Kermit 	How … how's that again?
Harvey 	(hostile) You heard me. I'm the token person around here.
Kermit 	Gee. We've never had that complaint before.
Harvey 	Yeah, well, you got it now. How'd you like to sit around the dressing room surrounded by dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens?
Kermit 	Gee. I've never really thought about it.
Harvey 	Yeah, well, think about it. I mean, on other shows you get stage fright. Here you get hoof-and-mouth disease.
Kermit 	Gee, Harvey. I didn't realize you dislike dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens.
Harvey 	No. I like dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens. That's not the point. The point is I just feel funny about being the only human being here. Don't you understand?
Kermit 	Oh! Oh! Well, I can fix that. Hey, guys, come on in.
 	Piggy, Hilda, Rowlf, Baskerville, and another pig rush in and ambush Harvey.
Harvey 	Wait a minute.
Kermit 	Take care of him.
Harvey 	Please. Wait, no. Stop. Wait. No, hold it. Wait. Please. Piggy, please. I'm ticklish. Please, no. Argh!
 	After dressing Harvey in a chicken suit, they all disperse.
Random 	(That's right. That's better.)
 	
Kermit 	Oh, well ... does that make you feel better, Harvey?
Harvey 	I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk now, Kermit. I I've got to get backstage and lay an egg.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Statler	Well, to me there's nothing funny about chickens.
 	A chicken pops up and starts pecking Statler. Waldorf laughs.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Miss Piggy, noodling around with some of the medical equiptment before joining the other medics around the operating table, where a blue Whatnot man lays, trembling.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
 	Dr. Bob wipes and blows his nose with his scrubs.
Rowlf 	Anesthetic!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.
Patient 	Uh, is this operation really nec-
 	BONK! Dr. Bob applies the anesthetic - hitting the patient over the head with a mallet. The patient is out cold and Dr. Bob tosses the mallet away.
Rowlf 	Scalpel. No, suture! Suture.
Janice 	Suture, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Suture, suture. There, hmm. Scalpel!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Scalpel, Dr. Bob.
 	She forcefully plants it in Dr. Bob's hands.
Rowlf 	AHHH!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Ooo...
Rowlf 	How long have you been a nurse?!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Well, uh, what time is it?
Rowlf 	(flabbergasted stammering)
 	Dr. Bob begins the operation, trembling.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, your hand is shaking! What's the trouble?
Rowlf 	It's my nerves - I'm over worked and under payed! This is my tenth operation today, the hours are interminable!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Yes, but we must get on with this operation. This man has a bad case of hiccups. It must be gas!
 	The patient lets out a loud hiccup - his chest bubbles.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, he's in bad shape!
Rowlf 	"He's in bad shape?" What about me?! Doesn't anybody ever think about me?!
Patient 	(hiccups)
Janice 	Uh, we're losing time, Dr. Bob!
 	
Rowlf 	SO?! I'm losin' my mind! Day in and day out, it's the same old routine!
Patient 	(hiccups)
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, oh, but Dr. Bob...
Rowlf 	I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is leavin' me, I'm bein' sued for malpractice, and all you can say is, "But, Dr. Bob!"
Patient 	(hiccups)
Piggy & Janice 	But, Dr. Bob!
Rowlf 	I tell ya', I tell ya', I'm so on edge I'm about to explode!
 	The patient's chest as ballooned and lets out one more hiccup, causing his entire torso to explode.
Announcer 	So Dr. Bob is going to pieces, and so is his patient. Tune in next week when we'll hear the nurse say...
Miss Piggy (RH)	Dr. Bob, you've gotta pull yourself together!
Rowlf 	I'll try!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Not you - him!
Patient 	I better quit while I'm a head.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Sam the Eagle fixes his head feathers, then acknowledges the audience.
 	
Sam 	Oh, ahem. I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act. Oh. (wipes away a tear) Oh! There's one right there, you see? You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer - indeed, the very best this country has to offer. So, here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on - Wayne and Wanda! Oh, I need a hanky. (exits)
 	
 	The curtains open on Wayne and Wanda, in front of a river backdrop with a bottle of champagne chilling on a table next to them. Wayne offers Wanda a glass as she begins to sing. As she sings, she constantly blocks Wayne from the audience's view, frustrating him.
Wanda	
I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick - OW!
 	Wayne kicks Wanda off the stage and exits as the curtains close. Sam enters, wiping his eyes with his hanky.
Sam 	Uh, you see wh-oh... (exits, embarrassed)
==Blackout==
 	T.R. Rooster stands in front of one of the backdrops.
T.R. 	Okay, ten-hut! (single march heard) Forward, hut!
 	T.R. leads three pairs of chickens in a march across the stage. They all cluck in time to the march. Trailing behind is Harvey, still in costume.
 	
Harvey	How do you get out of this chicken outfit?
 	Muppy enters, growling and bites Harvey.
Harvey	What do you want?!
Muppy 	Ruff!
Harvey	What?!
 	Muppy points him toward the rest of the brigade. Harvey grumbles and marches, with Muppy following.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Kermit comes onstage.
Kermit 	Okay, time once again for that furry, fuzzy funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic - Fozzie Bear!
 	Fozzie enters and prevents Kermit from leaving.
Fozzie 	Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Not so fast. Tonight, I am going to use your assistance.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah?
Fozzie 	Yes, sir! You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke!
Kermit 	Is that right?
Fozzie 	Uh, this is all spontaneous, unrehearsed, right, froggy?
Kermit 	It's unrehearsed, yes.
Fozzie 	Okay, okay. (clears throat) Now, frog of my heart...
Kermit 	Yes?
Fozzie 	You will just wait until I say the word "hear." When you hear me say the word "hear," you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Kermit 	"Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Fozzie 	Check.
Kermit 	When you say the word "hear?"
Fozzie 	Right.
Kermit 	Gotcha. (exits)
Fozzie 	Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Ready? Okay, here we go. Now then - hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful lookin' audience, it's a pleasure to be here!
Kermit 	(rushes in) GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
Fozzie 	Not yet!
Kermit 	But, you just said "here."
Fozzie 	That was the wrong "here!"
Kermit 	Which is the right "here?!"
Fozzie 	The other "hear!"
Kermit 	(shrugs) Sure. (exits)
Fozzie 	Ugh, go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks. This is a story you're gonna love to hear!
Kermit 	(rushes in) GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
Fozzie 	Will you stop that?!
Kermit 	But, you said "hear!"
Fozzie 	Not that "hear!"
Kermit 	Well, which "hear?!"
Fozzie 	Another "hear!"
Kermit 	HOW AM I GONNA KNOW?!
Fozzie 	YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR!
Kermit 	GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
 	The two stammer, frustrated. They both stare at each other, breathing heavily.
Fozzie 	Alright, alright.
Kermit 	Yes? What?
Fozzie 	Listen. You'll know when I point to you.
 	Kermit, grimacing, sighs and exits.
Fozzie 	All right, don't grumble. (clears throat) Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear... (points)
Kermit 	(enters) "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Fozzie 	(mimicking an Italian accent) No, he's a-not. He's a-wearin' a-neck-a-tie!
 	Fozzie wiggles his ears and laughs, then bows. Kermit sighs and exits.
Statler	Did you understand that joke?
Waldorf	No, but I don't speak Italian.
==Muppet Newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says that since he has defeated all challengers in the middleweight ranks, he will defend his title next week against himself.
 	
Newsman	We go now to Boomer's training camp. Tell us, Carl, do you think this will be a tough fight?
Harvey 	Well, Muppet reporter, it will probably be one of my toughest, but I think I will be able to knock myself out in the tenth round. In the first few rounds, I will work on my body blows. (punches his own chest) Then I'll go for my head. (punches his own head, then feels faint and collapses)
Newsman	Carl's body may last two rounds, but I think his head has already gone down for the count.
=="Halfway Down the Stairs"==
	
	Robin the Frog sits on an isolated staircase, signing "Halfway Down the Stairs."
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	(in a tuxedo) Well, that's about all we can squeeze into a half-hour for this week. We've had a great time, and we'd specially like to thank our very talented guest star, Chicken Little.
 	
Harvey 	Now, stop that.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv. Mr. Harvey Korman! (applause) And we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Waldorf	Well, the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.
 	The chicken pops back up.
Statler	Wanna bet?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts