Homer Alone/Quotes

:Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
:Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it, if you don't mind.
:Bart resumes making faces.
:Lisa: Mom! He's doing it again! Bart, quit it! Quit it! Hey! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! MOM!!!!
:Car arrives at Springfield Elementary.
:Marge: (deep, possessed voice) Get...OUT!
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:Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Homer and his coworkers are watching news of the traffic pileup in the employees' lounge.
:Scott Christian: The Springfield Causeway has been backed up by a motorist who blocked both lanes and refused to move. We believe this is the action of a stressed out housewife.
:Homer: Those stories always crack me up. What is the matter, sweetheart? Not enough getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom?
:Car window rolls down, revealing the motorist as Marge.
:Homer: D'oh!
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:Homer: Let me through! Let me through! I'm her husband!
:Eddie: Well, that explains a lot.
:(he and Lou laugh)
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:Marge is booked for causing the pileup
:Policewoman: sweet tone All the gals on the force knew just how you felt.
:Marge: That is good to hear. Could you please loosen these handcuffs?
:Policewoman: curtly No.
:Boardroom
:Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, Mayor Quimby. This little bird will be cracking rocks by the end of this week.
:Mayor Quimby: Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go.
:Chief Wiggum: But she broke the law!
:Mayor Quimby: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now you listen to me, if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're going to break my fall!
:Chief Wiggum: Word to the wise, Quimby. Do not write checks your butt cannot cash!
:City Hall. Mayor Quimby is at a podium with Marge
:Mayor Quimby: on microphone I hereby declare this to be Marge Simpson Day.
:Audience: YAY!
:Mayor Quimby: off microphone to bodyguard They're like trained seals. Throw 'em a fish and watch them slap their fins together. 
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:Radio: This is Coma - WKOMA, restful, easy listening. Coming up next, a super set of songs about clouds.
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:Troy: I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys the Groovy Mule." But today you'll see me in my greatest role - your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo!
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(Bart and Lisa sit inside a car, leaning against a window)
:Marge: Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
(Reveal Patty and Selma)
:Selma: Don't worry yourself.
:Patty: We've got six months of maternity leave we're never going to use anyway.
:Marge: Homer, can you bring Maggie out?
(Homer walks outside, holding Maggie just as Selma and Patty grin. Maggie becomes frightened and Homer starts to pull Maggie to keep her from grabbing the front door.)
:Lisa: (unamused) I wish I'd thought of that.
:Homer: (grunts, pulling Maggie) She's starting to give!
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(After arrest, where Marge had been convinced by Homer to surrender to the police on account of he will work out whatever problems she had. Now they are in their bedroom.)
:Homer: Well, all's well that ends well. Good night, Marge.
(Homer falls asleep, Marge gives her signature annoyed grunt. Unable to sleep, she watches TV. A commercial shows a Spanish conquistador exploring land.)
:TV Commercial: Many years ago, the Spanish explorers discovered their piece of heaven nestled in the Springfield Mountains. They called it Rancho Relaxo and so do we.
(Conquistador is then shown doing activities such as playing tennis with 20th Century women. He is then shown drinking a margarita in a Jacuzzi and covering his eyes with his helmet to keep out sunlight.)
:TV Commercial: Today, it's Springfield's only 2-star health spa. Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls. At Rancho Relaxo, you're the boss. Remember, you can't spell Relaxo without relax.
(Marge turns off the TV and jostles Homer awake.)
:Marge: Homer?
:Homer: Mmm.
:Marge: Homer!
:Homer: What?
:Marge: I need a vacation.
:Homer: What? But, Marge, we just had a vacation. Remember Mystic Caverns? (sees the picture of him holding Bart upside-down and laughs)
:Marge: I need to unwind.
:Homer: I know you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are like. Those three monsters in the back seat: "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And let's face it; I'm no day at the beach either: "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"
:Marge: No, I mean a vacation by myself.
:Homer: (surprised) What? You mean we're getting a divorce? Marge, I can change!
:Marge: No, Homie, no, I still love you. A lot of couples take separate vacations.
:Homer: Well, OK. But you have to swear you're coming back.
:Marge: I swear.
:Homer: All right, then.
(Homer falls asleep and starts snoring)
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:Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
:Chief Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
:Eddie: Yes.
:Chief Wiggum: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
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:Arnie: This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just dropped my bagel.
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:Before Homer takes Marge to the train station for her vacation, he takes the kids to Patty and Selma's. However, Maggie is being fussy with Homer.
:Marge: Homer, if Maggie doesn't want to leave, maybe she should stay here with you.
:Selma: Are you sure that's wise?
:Patty: He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.
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:(Bart and Lisa sit at the table. Patty and Selma are there as well)
:Patty: Kids you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. Do you need something to drink?
:Selma: We got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and Soy Milk. 
:Lisa: That's alright. (yawns) I think I'll just hit the hay.
:Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon. 
:Lisa: I'm aware of the time. 
:Selma: Hmm. Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty. 
:Bart: In your bed?
:Patty: Uh-huh. And I should warn you, I'm told I snore. 
:(Bart and Lisa grasp hands under the table.)
:Patty: Oh! Divorce Court is on in 15 minutes!
:(They leave)
:Bart: Lisa, I'm scared.
:Lisa: You think you know fear? Well I've seen them NAKED!
:Bart: AHHH!
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:Homer: Hi, Barney. Thanks for keeping me company.
:Barney: No problem. Well, well, if it isn't little Bart. Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey, Homer, let me hold him.
:Homer: All right, but just be careful.
:Barney cradles Maggie.
:Barney: Whoa! Someone smells stinky! Oh it's me.
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:(Bart and Lisa sit at the table. Patty and Selma are there as well)
:Chief Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby?
:Homer: Yes.
:Chief Wiggum: Can you describe her?
:Homer: Uh, she's small. She's a girl.
:(Wiggum shows to Maggie to Homer)
:Chief Wiggum: Bingo!
:Homer: Oh, Maggie! (hugs her)
:Chief Wiggum: Not so fast! You're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect!
:Homer: You found my baby! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! (kisses Wiggum)
:Chief Wiggum: Ha-har! Shucks. Just don't do it again, you big lug.