Short Circuit/Transcript

(IN MONOTONE) Enemy neutralized,
ladies and gentlemen.
Objective completed.
Very nice.
(ROBOTIC VOICE) Introducing your host Dr. Howard Marner, President of Nova Robotics.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet...
Strategic Artificially Intelligent
Nuclear Transport,
Or SAINT, as we call it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
If the question is survival,
then SAINT is the answer.
It is quite simply the most
sophisticated robot on Planet Earth.
Adaptable to steaming jungles...
And burning deserts
and frozen Arctic wastes.
Well, of course it's adaptable
because it's a robot,
Therefore impervious to...
- The ravages of nature.
- Crush ice.
Glass...
Ice...
Gin...
Tonic.
A squeeze of lime.
- Your cocktail, Dr. Marner.
- Thank you, Number 2.
Mm... just the way I like it -
shaken but not stirred.
Oh my!
One thing we can't control
is the weather.
The man upstairs is still in charge
of that department...
So why don't we just move our
little presentation back into the lab?
- And one more thing, Dr. Marner...
- Yes, senator Mills.
Where's the young man
who actually designed these things?
Dr. Crosby?
Yes. We were told
we'd be meeting with him.
- And so you shall.
- When?
Soon. Maybe not today but soon.
- Why not today?
- Flu.
I'd feel happier about approving
this project if I could speak with him.
I'll see what I can do. Would you...
Excuse me for just...
I'll be back in just a second.
Norman, boot up
the motion control system, please.
Don't forget that, it's very important.
Where is he? I need him.
Stat!
Excuse me, sir.
Crosby...
He is hiding in the toilet, sir.
Public relations is everybody's job.
He is saying that the crowds,
they are making him dog sick, sir.
He is supposed to be here,
I want him here, I pay him to be here.
Well, the last time I am seeing him,
he is busy vomiting, sir.
Well, clean him up
and send him out to hobnob.
Stat!
(PLAYS TUNE)
Newton, come on. Hurry up.
They are waiting for you.
Hmm.
Newton Crosby, you must make
instantaneous appearance.
Marner says Stat! You have to go hobnob
with the bigwigs.
Is that a yes or the number
of your intelligence quotient?
Ben, I don't hobnob.
If you like all that PR crap
why don't you go hobnob?
Mingle with the brass,
have a ball.
I am sick of wearing the dress
in this family.
(PHONE RINGS)
Crosby, now don't you
hang up on me.
I know you're there.
I want you up here right away.
Come on, Newton.
Swallow your guts. You can do it.
Show them that you're a hotshot
fun guy underneath your clothes.
What do they need me for?
To tell them each robot costs
$11 million and it kills people?
Ben, a child of four
could tell them that.
That is why they are needing you.
Come on now, hurry up.
Just one dance.
Well, I have to go to the jack,
so wait for me.
The john.
Oh yeah, you're doing real good.
Just keep working on those last two bars.
Let us go, let us stick
to the programme. (VOICES FADE)
(TUNE CONTINUES)
Coming through please.
Wine coolers, Perrier, Long Island
iced tea. Please take a drink.
Putting on a tie.
He is going to tell you about
these peace time uses.
It's got plenty of peace time uses.
You mean besides serving
gin and tonic?
The only way to secure the peace,
senator, as I'm sure you know,
Is to be prepared.
See, we can parachute
these robot guys behind enemy lines.
They hide out
till the first strike blows over.
Then each one of these little buggers
carries a 25 megaton bomb...
Right up the middle
of Main Street, Moscow...
Like the mailman bringing bad news.
We call it "Operation Gotcha Last".
That's what you call
"ensuring peace".
- Oh yeah, just as you say.
- I think we're all thinking the same.
Would you like to see
our control center, senator?
(THUNDER)
Hey, Norman. Better get Number 5
off that generator, man.
OK, OK, I'll get to it.
(SCREAMING)
Jesus H. God!
What the hell happened?
I don't know.
Oh my god - it's fried.
Oh, we're in deep shit now, man.
I hope you got a few million bucks...
'Cos' that's what they're gonna
charge us if this thing is fried.
- Everything checks out.
- What?
That's amazing. Takes a licking
and keeps on ticking.
OK, robots. Verbal command.
Access code two nine.
Report to disarming section.
Get out of here,
you little crap bucket. Go on!
It's the ultimate soldier -
obeys orders, never asks questions.
Originally I had
non-military purposes in mind.
I designed it as a marital aid.
Very funny.
No, I'm sure we'll all agree that
Dr. Crosby has designed a weapon...
That will keep our world
safe for all time.
Howard, what's so safe
about blowing people up?
Coffee service coming through.
- Please watch your step.
- Hmm?
Hot coffee.
Coffee service coming through.
Please watch your step.
(HE WHINES)
Coffee service coming through.
Please watch your step.
(DRUMMING MUSIC)
Please serve yourself.
Have a canapé.
Shrimp toast, caviar, pate.
Salmon mousse, cheese whiz.
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
our prototypes are here.
I've... I've only counted four
so tell me I've miscounted.
- Gag me with a fork, sir.
- What?
Number 5 left the debriefing station
and it just disappeared.
- Oh god! Not today.
- Yes sir, I'm afraid so.
- All right. Call security.
- I did, sir. Stat.
You did, great. Just stay calm.
How're you doin'?
- Running late as usual.
- Yeah.
Mmmm.
I knew it! Goddamn garbage cans.
Garbage cans with guns,
new-fangled bullshit!
- Have you got anything, Schroeder?
- What I've got is trouble,
Which I don't need because
my wife is home cooking a steak...
Which is going to be dried out
when I get there to the tune of $7.95.
What's that right there? Right there?
Coffee machine.
You're right, you're right, that's
what it is. It's a coffee machine.
That's very good, Howard.
Now it is time to freeze this place,
seal the doors, slam the gates shut.
(PHONE RINGS)
All right, good enough.
- OK, there you go.
- (PHONE RINGS)
Main gate.
- Where did you disappear to?
- I was hobnobbing.
OK, OK. Come over here quick. Come on.
The guys downstairs say Number 5
was hit by a huge power surge.
Should've shut down.
You tried the return code?
Yeah. No response.
Huh?
Whoa!
(COWS MOOING)
Blurgggh!
(COWS MOOING)
This is very strange. It won't talk to me.
Are you sure Number 5 is operational?
- Yeah, as far as I know.
- Check the lisp coding system.
OK. Let's try
a little emergency override.
This is bullshit. Just let me go get it.
Access code 42721.
BEN: Access gained.
Number 5 standing by.
There he is.
I've got him on your terminal.
You're disappointed, hm?
Report your position.
(CREAKING AND GROANING)
- BEN: Malfunction. Need input.
- What the hell does it need input for?
I don't know.
It can't triangulate its position.
That's a simple function.
Do you know how to triangulate
your position?
No.
- Well, there you go!
- I'm glad you think it's a joke, Crosby.
Don't worry, Schroeder, you're not going
to miss a meal. Shut it down, pick it up.
BEN: Unable. Malfunction.
MARNER: How can it refuse
to turn itself off?
SCHROEDER: Maybe it's pissed off.
It's a machine, Schroeder.
It doesn't get pissed off.
It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad.
It doesn't laugh at your jokes.
It just runs programs.
It usually runs programs.
Anybody tried
the homing device yet? Hmm?
- No.
- Oh, come on, you guys. Use your heads.
It's probably right down the hall and...
Ah! Here it comes, here it comes,
here it comes...
And...
Bingo!
Good lord! It is outside the fence!
Oh, that is not the worst of it,
Dr. Marner.
Don't tell me its laser is still armed.
Bimbo.
Crosby, what's it gonna do?
It's hard to say. It's malfunctioning.
It might not do anything.
But it could decide to blow away
anything that moves, couldn't it?
Couldn't it, Crosby?
Oh my god! It's not coming back.
We've got to destroy it.
No, Howard, you're overreacting.
You can't.
- Let us at least try to catch it first.
- Yeah, we'll panic later, OK?
But what if you don't catch it?
What if it goes and melts down
a bus load of nuns?
How would you like to write
the headline on that?
- Nun soup?
- Ben!
Howard, OK it's malfunctioning,
but think about it. What a malfunction!
All right, look. Why don't you get
your team together, Schroeder.
- Duke! Otis!
- Contain Number 5 the best you can.
- All right, Howard.
- We can still avoid an incident.
- I'm already moving.
- And Schroeder?
- You don't have to blow it up.
- You don't have to blow it up, Schroeder.
- Just try and bring it back in one piece.
- One piece will do.
Whatever it takes to put that stupid
contraption out of commission, gentlemen,
- That's what you do.
- Yes, sir.
(SIRENS BLARING)
Give inertial status.
Let's scramble one. Maybe it'll listen
if it comes up to the decoder.
- Right. Good idea.
- What is this?
Running diagnostics,
testing its logic circuit.
Well, let's just bounce one off
its magnesium casing. What do you think?
- What is this? Input, input, input?
- I'm going to reboot it.
- Come on.
- Let's boot it up. See if you can.
Return to D-Station. Come on now.
BEN: Wouldn't you like
to be a pepper too?
Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?
What is going on?
I don't know. It must be the print scanner.
It must be reading it some place.
I am not understanding that reference.
Hmmm.
Need input.
Input.
Mmmm.
(DRUMMING MUSIC)
(SQUEAKING)
- Did you see something?
- Oh god! I hope not.
- Well, I saw something.
- Yeah, me too.
Oh shit!
- It's right outside.
- Captain Schroeder...
This is Bravo Four. Over.
Schroeder. What have you got? Over.
He's right in front of us, sir.
We're on the bridge out on 101. Over.
We're on our way.
Lose it and you're dead meat.
(SQUEAKING)
Jesus!
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Whoa!
Hey!
- MARNER: Look, it's going berserk.
- Ben, how did this happen?
Who is knowing how to read
a mind of a robot?
Whee!
Ooh! Oom!
I am not cut out for this.
- You did this, Crosby.
- Howard...
So you wouldn't have to talk
to those people.
- Calm down, calm down.
- Excuse me, sir, we're losing its signal.
It's going out of range.
OK, we're going to have to follow it
now. Can I get a vehicle?
Howard, is there a van
or anything like that?
Of course there's a van.
(DOG BARKING)
(GOATS BLEATING)
Thanks for calling me, Mrs. Cepeda.
Where's that son of a bitch?
He's around the back and up to no good.
You'd better believe it.
Get the hell down here, Beasley.
Hey!
What are you doing home?
This is my home. It's not your home.
I live here.
What are you doing with Beasley?
Well, darn it.
He looked kind of sick to me...
So I thought I'd just take him down
to the vet and fix him up a little bit.
He doesn't look sick. You look sick.
What d'you come back here for anyway?
Well, to tell you the truth, I thought
that maybe we could patch things up,
Sort of pick up where we left off.
You know you want me back.
What is this?
Quinn's medical research? You slimebag!
The dog is on its last legs.
Very funny. Why don't you
get the hell outta here?
You know what I figure?
I figured you owe me some money
so I'm just here to collect.
- I owe you?
- That's right.
I supported you. That was my money
you used to buy your big red dork-mobile.
No! Damn it!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Do not hit that car.
- Get off me.
- Shit!
All right. If this is your idea of
playing hard to get, knock it off now.
Let go of me, you mutation.
- Goddammit, don't ever call me that.
- You don't even know what it means.
Yeah, well, I can find out.
Hey you! You leave her alone.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, honey.
- Are you OK, honey?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
I thought he was going to be a nice one,
different from the others.
- Yeah, right.
- Well, he sure was better looking.
Well, looks aren't everything,
Mrs. Cepeda.
I know that every time
I look at Mr. Cepeda.
Honey, listen. I hate to tell you this
but you know the man from the city?
He was snooping around again.
I told him all this is temporary.
It's just until I can find homes for them.
Well, he says that four years
is not so temporary.
- He's going to call the sheriff on you.
- Oh great!
Maybe the sheriff would like a pet.
Beasley!
Beasley, come to me, baby.
Good Beasley.
Beasley, come here.
Did he scare you?
Did he scare you, honey? I'm sorry.
I feel like I've been cooped up
inside this lab for ever.
Well, it is an opportunity to spread your legs.
Good to smell the breezes, hm?
Has it changed much out there?
- Oh yes, you can say that two times.
- Hey! Hey!
Come on, you guys. Come on, get going.
Schroeder's coming up empty.
We're on our way, Howard,
to the Great Outdoors.
Newton...
You know what is out there
in the Great Outdoors? Girls.
Hmm... with brassieres and legs.
You have a working knowledge of girls?
No, but I read about 'em.
Well then, maybe I can furnish you
with some schematic drawings.
Oh right!
Hey! Who told you
you could take Number 1?
Howard, logically, if we need protection
from Number 5,
This is the best weapon we could have.
Great! So instead of 11 million dollars
on the loose we're gonna have 22?
Plus we are needing gas money.
- Oh!
- (CAT MEOWING)
I'm sorry, but I have to
draw the line at snakes.
Yeah, I'm sure it would make
a wonderful pet.
But...
Isn't there a home
for cobras somewhere?
(CLATTERING)
- (DOG BARKING)
- Can you hang on for a second?
Er... can I call you right back? Thanks.
Hey, get outta there!
Frank?
Mr. Scum-o?
I know you're in there.
Get out!
Get out! I'll call the cops.
What are you? Deaf?
Whoa!
Oh my god!
Oh my god! I knew they'd pick me.
I just knew it.
Hello?
Well, I guess...
Welcome to my planet.
Oh boy! Is this thrilling, or what?
Don't be scared.
I'm a friend.
Friend?
Do you know the word "friend"?
'Cos' that's what I am.
I am a friend so here I come.
Nice and extremely friendly.
Hi.
It's me.
Um...
So this is Earth.
I'm Stephanie Speck.
No offense, but is that really you?
Or is that like a spacesuit
and you're inside some place?
Maybe just your brain in a little jar
or something like that?
Malfunction.
Oh, you can talk!
Malfunction. Need input.
Input. That's information.
Listen, I am full of it.
Why don't you come on in my house...
And we can sit down and talk, get to
know each other, communicate, input?
Come on.
It's OK.
No, no, I mean come with me.
No, come here.
This way.
Come here.
Come on. Walk this way.
March! Heel! Giddy-up!
Um... forward!
Forward.
- Forward, come forward.
- Forward.
That's good. That's really good.
Don't be afraid, guys. He's a friend.
These are animals.
They're lower life forms.
They're always a little skittish around
new people, aliens, whatever.
Malfunction. Need input.
Input. Right, right. You got it. OK.
This is a house.
We live within it. Inside it.
We have a floor, see?
Floor.
And we have the opposite of a floor,
which is the ceiling. Look up.
Ceiling.
We have windows and... air.
And look over here.
Light.
- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- And music.
Ooh!
And look at this!
This is a plant, see?
And these are goldfish.
- Ooh!
- Uh-uh! Don't touch.
And look over there. See?
These are ants.
They're not aunts, they're ants.
It's an ant farm.
And look. These are my bunnies.
Edwina and Norman.
Nor-man.
Boy, I bet you got some amazing animals
on your planet, huh?
Ooh!
Oh good! There you go.
This is Earth, where we are now, see?
You are...
Here.
- Here, Oregon.
- O-re-gon.
Home of the beaver, famous for cherries.
Beavers. Cherries. Input.
I'm giving you great input.
More input. More input.
How about pictures?
Do you like pictures?
We have a lot of pictures here.
A lot of them.
This is a picture of an aardvark.
See that? It's an aardvark.
It's a mammal.
Input. Aardvark.
Abyssinia, Adams...
(VOICE SPEEDS UP)
Holy crow! You can read.
Input. More input.
OK. No problem.
Um... volume two, no problem.
(HOOTING)
- Oh!
- Oh, my neck.
- Sorry.
- This is very helpful for the neck.
Can you believe it's been about
five years since I've driven?
I would say ten.
It's all coming back to me though.
You know what many people
are liking at night?
What?
Headlights.
Oh yeah! It's a lot better. Thanks.
Definitely.
(NUMBER 5 READING FAST)
Ah! More input, Stephanie. More!
There isn't any more.
You've read everything in the house.
Hmm.
Ooh! Animal, mammal - skunk.
- Oh!
- Vessel, container, drinking glass.
- Pasta! Semolina spaghetti!
- Yeah, oh god!
- That's very good.
- Liquid - spaghetti sauce.
Hey! Look! This may be hilarious
where you come from...
- But on this planet it's considered rude.
- Ooh!
Plant, fruit.
Oranges, apples, lemons, limes.
Oh, that's great. Thanks a lot.
Fabric, tablecloth.
N... no, not my dishes! Oh, thank god.
Breakfast table. American contemporary.
No! No! Oh, my china.
Numerous fragments.
- OK, fine. You want some input.
- Some large, some small.
Take a look at this. Look at that.
Welcome aboard.
Let's adjust our seat belts.
- See that?
- Input.
Right. Input, input. Good.
OK, here. You hold this.
That's very good.
And stay... stay.
At Alaska Airlines our people go out of
their way to show you they're only human.
(HITTING AND SLAPPING
SOUND EFFECTS)
OK, with your permission...
I know no-one's gonna believe me and I'd
like to know I'm not crazy so look up.
Look up.
Ooh!
Woo-woo-woo-woo!
Input.
Oh cha! This is a barrel of monkeys!
Let us go scrape up some female chicks.
- Don't we have to find a robot?
- Pardon me for saying so, Newton...
But you are becoming a drag strip.
Well, girls are not my best suit.
Besides, we've got a job to do.
As we are fond of saying in my country,
marketplace make dull home for rodents.
- Where are you from anyway?
- Bakersfield originally.
No, I mean your ancestors.
Oh, them.
Pittsburgh.
It's the Colgate pump with MFP fluoride,
the maximum fluoride protection.
It's a lie. I didn't do it. I wouldn't
try anything on you, Tony. We're pals.
Sure, we're pals.
- Mmm, mmm.
- I didn't do it. You got me wrong.
Listen, Tony. I brought you here.
You're the last guy in the world I'd try
to cross. You wouldn't do anything to me.
Don't take me, Tony. Give me a chance.
You can have anything I've got.
Have you been watching all night?
Come on.
- Oh!
- No, don't get up. I can take care of it.
Haven't you had enough of this stuff?
You know, you lose IQ points the longer
you watch. There have been actual studies.
Mmm.
Look, you're going to become the first
alien couch potato and I'm not kidding.
- Now, give me that thing.
- No.
Mmm.
(BEEPING)
- I'm eating my Thomas's english muffin.
- Have a heart.
"Have a Heart",
"Don't Cry, Little Girl",
"Smile Your Tears Away" and dozens of
other hits all on this big two-record set.
Call now. Our operators are standing by.
Are you tired of bills piling up? Simplify
your life with Accountant in a Can.
- And if you act now, we'll send along...
- OK.
You didn't come a million miles
to do television commercials, did you.
- Duracell...
- Of course you didn't.
Come on. There's something I want
to show you outside. Come on.
Bird! Raven!
- Nevermore!
- Come on. Now, look.
Look. Look.
- Look.
- No, no. There.
- See?
- Oh!
Beautiful!
Light bulb.
No. Sun.
Beautiful no sun.
Beautiful sun.
Beautiful rhinoceros turtle.
Volkswagen.
Oh, you mean that fat little body?
You can really see those things, huh?
- Mmm.
- (DOG BARKING)
Beautiful animal. Mammal.
Canine.
Dog.
Mutt.
Beasley.
Bees-leee.
- (GROWLS)
- Uh?
- Beasley, stop it!
- No!
Down! Beasley, down!
- What are you doing? Stop it!
- Aeee!
Look out! Oh no!
Oh my god! What happened?
Are you all right?
Oh please don't be hurt. Are you OK?
Say something.
Beautiful Stephanie.
SAINT Prototype Number 5.
Nova Robotics, Damon Washington.
You're a robot?
- Yes.
- I thought you were alive, Number 5.
I let you tear my house to shreds
and you're a robot.
You're a machine from that
dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!
Stupid, foolish, gullible, doltish...
- Dumbbell, lamebrain.
- Shut up.
Shut up, silence, hush...
- Sit on it, can it.
- Boy, am I the jerk of the world.
- You're just programmed.
- Jerk of the world...
Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.
Well, I hope you're programmed to pay
for the mess you made. "N"...
What if there's a reward out
for that thing?
I could take care of as many animals
as I want.
Hello. Yes, I'd like to speak to one
of your head warmongers, please.
Dr. Warmonger... Marner...
I think this may be something.
Hello?
Hello. I'd like you to know
that I have one of your robots.
- (STEPHANIE CONTINUES)
- Oh... good... yes.
Uh... oh, yeah, well, listen, um...
Thank you very much for calling,
you know. Our people are on the way.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Mount up! We've got it!
Move! Move! Move!
Today, gentlemen, today!
Go!
NEWTON: Great! We got it.
We're on our way.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Oh, my goodness! Very, very good.
In the meantime it's very important
that you try to keep a safe distance.
How safe a distance?
Oh. Well, see, it's malfunctioning...
And we have to disassemble it
and check it out.
See, it's a goofy little gadget...
And just try to keep everyone
as far away from it as possible, OK?
Not that it's dangerous
or anything like that.
How much is a contraption like that
worth anyway?
Worth? Oh, I don't know,
a few hundred dollars maybe.
No reward or anything like that
for finding it, is there?
Well, we do have a daily tour
of our facilities here, you know.
I might even be able to get you
a student discount.
Hey! It's gone!
- Gone?
- Woolly mammals, sheep.
- Source of sweaters...
- Oh no, never mind. I see it.
Never mind.
Go back to your nuclear warheads.
Hey you! Number 5.
What are you doing?
You'll scare my animals, bozo.
Listen, I just called Nova...
And they're coming out to get you -
they're gonna give you a tune-up.
Tune-up? Input.
Yeah. Take you apart,
find out which screw's loose.
Apart, undone, dismantle, dissect,
disassemble.
Right.
Jump!
Oh look! It's a grasshopper.
Grasshopper - orthopterous insect.
- Jump!
- That's great. OK.
Whee!
All right, let's go back now. Come on.
Hey!
Dammit, you clut. Look what you did.
Error. Grasshopper disassembled.
- Reassemble.
- Huh?
Reassemble.
I can't reassemble him.
You squashed him. He's dead.
Dead?
Right. Dead as a doornail.
Reassemble, Stephanie. Reassemble.
I know you don't understand...
But when you're dead, you're dead.
It's just the way it is.
Dead is for ever.
Squash.
Dead.
Disassemble.
Dead.
Disassemble... dead!
Hey! Slow down!
- No disassemble!
- Where're you going?
- Flee! Escape!
- Oh my god!
Hey you! Get out of my truck.
Hey! Hey! Let me in.
Let me in! No! Don't!
You open this door right now.
Get out of my truck, you thief.
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- No! Don't start my truck.
You don't know how to drive.
Come back with my truck, you big hunk
of tin. You can't take my truck.
Uh-ah!
You better be heavily insured...
'Cos' you're going to find yourself
slapped with a humungous lawsuit.
Truck! Look out!
Uh-oh!
Oh! Turn.
Boulevard nine. Newton! I'm seeing
a blip on my scope. Drive slowly.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Newton, there it goes!
It is moving at extreme velocipede!
(HOOTING)
No! Right of the line. The right.
Right! Accurate, proper,
correct, appropriate.
No, my side. Over here, quickly!
The right! The right.
Left, right.
No!
Look out! Look out!
(HOOTING)
Oh god! My kitchen.
(HOOTING)
No! No!
Where's she going?
I thought Howard told her to stay put.
Go figure out chicks, man.
Look out!
Oh great! Nice work, can-head.
- Thanks a lot.
- Sorry.
Oh no! Stop it, now. Stop!
- Turn left or we're going to crash.
- Left!
Turn! Turn!
- Fish!
- Look out!
Salmon! Sushi!
Oh, geez, Number 5.
We're going to be killed!
- Disassemble?
- Yes, disassemble all over the place.
Disassemble? No!
Escape! Escape!
Flee! Hide! Refuge!
What are you afraid of?
What's the matter with you?
Nova Robotics. Disassemble. Dead.
Disassemble Number 5. Dead.
But you can't die. You're a machine.
- No.
- No, you're not a machine?
Yes.
- Yes you are or yes you're not?
- Yes.
- Yes what?
- Yes not.
Talk about a malfunction.
Not malfunction, Stephanie.
Number 5...
Is alive.
Just keep going straight,
just keep going straight. OK.
All right. Ben, we're getting closer.
- I can sense it.
- There they are.
Ben, do you see 'em?
They're right there.
Nova... disassemble.
Dead. Disassemble Number 5. Dead.
Girlie! Girlie, come quick!
Girlie, danger! Come on.
No. No disassemble.
No disassemble Number 5.
Come on, you. Oh my god!
What planet is this guy from?
No. No disassemble.
Oh, Number 5, don't be scared. You just
wait here a second. I'll be right back.
Mmm.
Come on, Number 1, come on. Very good.
Be careful. Moving nicely.
Oh geez, another one. How many of
these guys have you got anyway?
Oh, you are girl, right?
Yes, as far as I know.
Hi! How are you doing?
Your little brother's hiding in my truck.
I have seen some strange, bizarre drivers
but you... you will be awarded a cake.
Me? Talk to your robot.
He did the driving.
Did you say the robot drove the truck?
Yeah, that's right, chum.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Oh bull-dyke! You cannot hold your water
with that story.
Hey, I was there, OK?
Are you sure you weren't doing
any steering or anything like that?
Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
- There's no way my robot could've driven.
- You calling me a liar?
No, no, but maybe you... have amnesia.
Newton, we are wasting valueless time.
So what are these guys used for anyway?
- It's top secret crap.
- Yeah, that's what I figure.
- Dr. Love, I'd like to get my robot back.
- He knows that.
But he's scared.
It's a machine. It doesn't get scared.
It doesn't get happy,
it doesn't get sad.
BOTH: It just runs programs.
Yeah, well how do you explain that?
You see? He's scared that
if you take him apart he's going to die.
Where d'you hear that?
Number 5 told me.
He'd tell you if you'd just talk to him.
- That's what I've been trying to do...
- No, I mean with your mouth. Watch.
OK, Ben. This is the plan...
Number 5?
- Number 5, come on out, it's OK.
- Is it cool?
It's OK. These guys
aren't going to hurt you.
- They're friends.
- No disassemble?
No, no, they just want to talk to you.
(MILITARY MUSIC)
Come forward. Do you remember "forward"?
- Forward.
- Forward, that's it. Come on.
I can't believe it's listening to her,
not to us.
I am standing here beside myself.
OK. OK, now, you just tell them
what you told me.
- Number 5 not just robot.
- (WHISTLE)
There it is! Move it!
Move! Move! Move!
Down! Down! Today, gentlemen, today.
- Down, girlie.
- Are you nuts?
- Look out! It's going to shoot.
- (SHOOTING)
- (SHE SCREAMS)
- No! Stop! No! Wait!
I have clearance! I have clearance!
Stand down!
Will you quit doing that?
You think I'm doing this
for my own self-gratification?
Hurray! Go!
Ooh!
No! No! Stop!
Stephanie!
Agh!
They're killing him.
Hold your fire.
Damn it, stop! Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Ow!
Number 5 alive.
Stephanie!
Number 5, I'm sorry!
Stephan-ie-ie.
You're paralyzing him.
I cut all its power.
You can load it on the truck now.
What the hell is the matter with you,
you four-eyed idiot?
What an asshole.
I heard that.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! What are you doing?
Where are you taking him?
- OK, I want you guys...
- It's not being a him.
It's only being wires
and several mechanisms...
And other such machine type apparatus,
for the Pete of sake, the sate of Peekle.
Now you have to turn him back on.
He was talking before, like
a real person. Couldn't you see that?
Look, lady, all I can see was that
something mechanical has screwed up...
And I'm going to fix it, OK?
OK, fine. You fix it, Einstein.
I plan to.
- And it's Crosby. Newton Crosby.
- Stephanie Speck.
- Nice meeting you.
- Same here.
- Ben? Ben?
- Sir, stat.
I want you to go with Number 5,
Make sure they do not switch off
the memory. D'you understand?
- Absolutely, sir.
- OK.
Bye-bye, goofy woman. I enjoyed
repeatedly throwing you to the ground.
No mistake. Stat.
You can call me if you want to.
Call you?
- To let me know if Number 5's OK.
- Oh.
Yeah, OK. Maybe I will.
Well, don't do me any favors, Jack.
So there we are, on the top of Mount
St. Helen's and we've got two flat Tyres.
Oh, two - that's bad.
- Hazel's running around the parking lot.
- Hazel, oh!
She's waving her credit card like
it's a day after Christmas at the mall.
(VOICES FAINT)
- That's the wife.
- That is very funny American name, Hazel.
It's not one you hear much any more.
Actually, she's the only Hazel I know.
I never heard it before I met her,
Except for Witch-hazel, who I think she's
named after. Don't tell her I said that.
- I thought it was a nut.
- It's an old name.
It's a family name.
They were from some place in Europe...
And there's always someone
named Hazel in it.
In her family, that is, not Europe.
I guess there's always someone
named Hazel in Europe too.
She's running around trying to buy
somebody's spare Tyre.
She's showing people her IDs
to prove the cheque's good,
Like there's a Mount St. Helen's branch
of our bank where they could check.
She was even trying to swap some
souvenirs we had got on the way up...
All of which were made
from the ashes of the volcano...
- Which if anybody wanted...
- Did you get a piece of ash?
Of course nobody's
going to sell us a Tyre...
After we told 'em
what just happened to us.
Especially the way she was telling them.
She was trying to convince them
I was a bad driver...
Which I'm not.
But she was doing it by telling them
how thin the road is,
How curvy and how many rocks there were
and how big and sharp they were.
And all this time I know
what these people are thinking.
What are they thinking?
Get to the point.
They gotta drive down the same road
we just drove up.
(CONVERSATION INAUDIBLE)
(CRASH)
Sh!
Sir?
- Yes, sir.
- Sir?
Oh my goodness gracious!
He can't shoot us
with that laser, can he?
I am not knowing.
- Would he kill me if I stopped?
- Who is to say?
Would he kill me if I don't stop?
Again I am shrugging.
I'm stopping.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
- Good choice.
- Number 5 furious, livid, perturbed.
- OK, hold it right there.
- (GROWLING)
Ow! Agh!
Colt 45. Semi-automatic.
Playdough!
- What do we do now?
- Well, I don't know about you,
But I am planning to scream and run.
Good answer.
Ooh!
Uh!
What is he doing?
(HUMMING)
(BEEPING)
Hmm.
Uh-oh!
Oh, really close. Really good.
Oh! You were in that time.
Hi, honey! What is for dinner?
(BEEPING)
Ah!
Bingo!
RADIO: Cactus, Easy Street
is third and fourth.
Lucky Sevens and Pacer in the rear.
Now it's Double Trouble making a move
on the outside rail and Cactus right behind.
- Jimmy's Folly is falling...
- Servant of the devil, shame on him.
- And the devil is...
- (COUNTRY MUSIC)
Ooh!
(EL DEBARGE: Who is Johnny?)
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ And knows I'm dying ♪
♪ When she says who is Johnny? ♪
♪ Games with names
that girl is playing ♪
♪ All she says is who is Johnny? ♪
♪ I try to understand
because I'm people too ♪
♪ And playing games
is part of human nature ♪
♪ My heart's in overdrive
it's great to be alive ♪
♪ Who's Johnny, she said
and smiled in her special way ♪
♪ Johnny, she said, you know... ♪
(MILITARY MUSIC)
(BEEPING)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Ready, aim...
(WHISPERS) What happened?
I hope you took the grass
out of the glove compartment.
Anything wrong, officer?
There's got to be a logical explanation
for all of this.
Oh! Hey! Maybe if it was programmed
to think it was alive...
Then it could act alive, huh?
Maybe we have created
another Frankfurter's monster.
Do I look like the kind of man who can
actually hear his blood pressure bubbling?
Howard, I think that
something incredible is going on.
What's going on is we've got
a red alert on our hands.
It's not dangerous. We just have to find
Number 5, get some answers.
There's only one answer.
Oh, right. Blast it off
the face of the Earth, huh?
- Doctor, how many kids you got?
- None.
Well, let me tell you something, doctor.
I've got three of them.
Three dandy little Schroeders and
I want them to be adults, not barbecues,
So don't you
give me any of your bullshit.
That having been said,
I think I've got to alert the media.
Now Schroeder's going to handle this
from now on and you stay at your terminal.
Howard, this is ridiculous.
Think of it as a full-scale field test.
Leave your terminal,
you're out of a job.
Howard, we'll have to put up road blocks
and I'm going to need some Hueys.
- Some what?
- Helicopters, Howard. Jesus Christ!
- I thought they were choppers.
- Well, now they're called Hueys.
Well, why wasn't I notified?
OK, Ben. This is the plan.
(CAT MEOWING)
(KNOCKING)
Miss Speck.
- Stephanie Speck?
- Yes.
We're from KJMB News. Can you please
tell us something about the Nova robot?
- Were you scared?
- No, no.
- Did he try to molest you in any way?
- No, he's not that kind of a robot.
You know that there's a $25,000 reward
for anyone who turns it in?
No, I don't know anything about it.
I don't know where he is.
Why haven't you gone to the police?
Well, there you have it...
Yeah, you know where it is.
For $25,000 I'm damn well gonna know
where it is too.
(KNOCKING)
Frank?
Is that you, Frank?
I'm warning you,
I'm armed and dangerous.
Disguise, camouflage. Hi!
Number 5! You got away?
- Yup.
- You can't stay here. They'll find you.
Stephanie change color.
Uh!
Attractive! Nice software! Mmm.
You sure don't talk like a machine.
Alive, Stephanie. Number 5 alive!
Yes, I know you think you're alive but
those guys who built you say no way...
And I don't know what to think any more.
I know it's not safe for you here so...
go on, get outta here. Go on!
Mmm.
Solitude, isolation, alone!
Oh, Number 5, come on.
Lonely, bummed...
Number 5, please! If I went to jail,
who would take care of my animals?
You sure wouldn't.
What are you doing?
(VOICE LOWERED)
A can of soup - a meal in itself!
All right, you can stay,
but just for tonight.
- Excellent!
- And if they catch you here,
- I do not know you.
- You got it.
OK, Ben, let's do it.
This is very first vehicle
I have stolen in US of A.
Me too. It's kind of exciting.
With excitement like this,
who is needing enemas?
We're doing the right thing.
If they trash Number 5
we'll never find out what happened.
- You're right.
- Buh!
- Dr. Marner!
- Howard!
I knew you would try this.
You're not going to make it, fellas.
There are soldiers out there
with bazookas and choppers...
Or whatever the hell they call them now.
Howard, we've got to try anyway.
You're a scientist - you understand.
I'm a businessman.
I'm not a scientist any more.
Damn you, Howard.
Twenty years ago you would have
chauffeured us in this situation.
Well, times have changed
'cos' that was then and this is now.
All right. Come on,
let's get back upstairs.
Oh, what the heck, Newton.
Let us punch the sack.
- Tomorrow is the next day.
- No.
No.
No. I'm going.
Howard, shoot me if you have to.
Don't think I won't.
- Come on, Howard. You're bluffing.
- Lord Rama, Lord Rama.
Lord Rama, Lord Rama, grant my wish.
All right, I'm bluffing.
OK, thank you. Come on, Ben.
- Let's get outta here.
- Right, very good.
It doesn't matter anyway.
The doors are electronically sealed.
Don't be too sure.
And you'll have to drive over me.
That's the way it's got to be.
This is going to be very messy.
This is how I get the big bucks.
(BEE GEES: You Should Be Dancing)
Yeah!
- ♪ My baby moves at midnight... ♪
- Whee!
♪ Goes right on till the dawn, yeah ♪
♪ My woman takes me higher ♪
♪ My woman keeps me warm ♪
♪ What you doin' on your back, aah? ♪
- ♪ You should be dancing, yeah... ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ Dancing, yeah ♪
- Yeah!
Oh, very good!
Great!
- (MUSIC FADES)
- Oh, hey! Thanks!
OK, OK, turn off the TV.
Come on, it's time for bed.
- Oh!
- ♪ More than a woman... ♪
Hmm.
- ♪ More than a woman to me... ♪
- No, turn off the TV. It's time for bed.
Come on, Steph! Lighten up!
Let's give it a whirl.
- Hey!
- Yeah.
- Listen, you, it's 3.00 a.m..
- It's early.
I mean don't you ever get enough?
Wrestling, roller derby,
Jimmy Swaggart, The Three Stooges -
give it a rest, will ya?
Larry, Curly, Moe.
Hey, you know what?
You're not a bad dancer.
Dancing fool.
- Big finish.
- Right.
And then I'm going to bed...
And in the morning you have to
find yourself a new home.
This home.
Stephanie home. Number 5 home.
Oh, Number 5, you don't know
what you're saying.
Number 5 know.
♪ We can take for ever
just a minute at a time... ♪
(NUMBER 5 JOINS SINGING)
♪ More than a woman ♪
- ♪ More than a woman to me... ♪
- Oh, Number 5!
- Whee!
- ♪ More than a woman... ♪
(JOINS IN)
♪ More than a woman to me ♪
♪ I'll croon... a little song
about the moon... ♪
(WHISTLES)
♪ And when I'm finished
with my crooning ♪
(JOINS IN)
♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
♪ My life, my love, my all ♪
OK.
To make these golden fluffy pancakes,
add flour...
Milk...
And eggs.
(HUMMING)
Mix thoroughly.
Whoa!
Mmm... still lumpy.
Marvelous!
For crisp yet moist potatoes,
brown on one side then turn over.
This'll be some good slop.
Is something burning?
- Morning!
- Oh, Number 5, good morning!
- Sleep well?
- You're making me breakfast, aren't you?
Pancake surprise.
- (CAR ENGINE)
- Oh, Number 5, you're so sweet.
Oh no!
(DOG BARKING AND GROWLING)
It's the revenge of the mutations.
Listen, why don't you turn
that stove off and I'll be right back.
Wait! It'll get cold!
(GROWLS) Hmm.
What are you doing here, creep?
Oh! Good morning!
- I saw you on TV last night on the news.
- Yeah, I'm a real big celebrity.
You know there's a reward out
for that robot? $25,000?
No, I don't know anything about it.
Why don't you get off my property?
- Oh no, Steph.
- Leave me alone!
- Where is it? I know you know.
- Get out of here before I call the cops.
- Stephanie, breakfast!
- Whoa!
Pancakes, hash browns, mmm.
$25,000. Don't worry, we'll split it.
- Twenty for me, five for you.
- OK, but listen.
You gotta talk computer to him.
Tell him exactly what you're doing,
where you're going...
Or it's not going to move an inch,
honest. Number 5, this is Frank.
Uh, how, robot! Me friend.
Mmm?
No, talk computer, not Apache.
Fresh OJ? Not from concentrate.
Uh, thanks.
Listen, what do you say we jump in my car
and we'll take a ride. I'll take you home.
Tell him where home is.
Uh... home is Nova.
Nova! No! No disassemble.
Run, Number 5, run!
Come on, treads, don't fail me now.
- Run! Get away!
- Get off me!
You tricked me, you little bitch!
Does this mean I don't get my $5,000?
Forget it! Forget it!
He can go 30 miles an hour,
you big stupid jerk.
I'll show you how stupid.
Guess who's going to help me catch it.
- No, I'd rather die first.
- Where the hell is my car?
(WHIRRING)
Hi!
Piece of cake.
Oh my god! My car!
- Oh! Way to go, Number 5!
- Uh-oh!
Oh my god! No!
Number 5, look out!
(AS JOHN WAYNE) Say, pilgrim,
that like to parted my hair.
You wanna play rough,
I can sure oblige ya.
How can he do that?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Frankie, you broke the unwritten law.
You ratted on your friends.
When you do that, Frankie,
your enemies don't respect ya.
Ya got no friends no more.
You got nobody, Frankie.
Pretty good, huh?
Unbelievable!
Look out!
How about that! A goddamn robot.
Agh!
Stephanie, get off me.
Now, that's it.
No! Not disassemble Stephanie.
Hoe-ha!
- Ow!
- Hiya!
Oo-oo!
Agh!
Whooo!
Ha!
(SHE LAUGHS)
I'm calling Nova
and I'm calling the cops...
And as for you,
you little pain in the neck,
You better not come crawling back
to me 'cos' now it's over.
Good!
OK, come on. They're going to be
after you. We gotta get outta here now.
So now I am having no job
to speak about.
- I will have to smack the sidewalk.
- I'm not going to let that happen.
You're not going to get fired,
I'm not going to get fired...
Because we're going to find
Number 5 intact.
- Very good.
- That's right, Howard.
- Same vehicle, same woman...
- Sh! It's Scrotum.
- Schroeder.
- Same thing.
She's heading south-east.
(LOUDER) All road are blocked. Her only
chance is a back road into the hills.
We'll concentrate our search there.
Where the hell are we?
New York City.
No, I don't think so.
Try the other side.
OK.
Oh! Texaco!
Great! Well, I'm lost.
I don't know where to go.
- Strategy.
- What about it?
Need some. Quick.
You're right. What we need is somebody
to make those bozos listen.
Not bozos.
- What?
- One bozo.
Newton Crosby, PhD.
Hey, malfunction. He's the enemy.
He can't help.
(NEW YORK ACCENT) Couldn't hurt.
You know, I know why Number 5
took a liking to her.
If it did have that capability,
which it doesn't, but if it did.
I mean I think she's kind of pretty,
don't you think?
I am thinking she's a virgin.
Or at least she used to be.
Hello, Crosby?
I think it's Howard.
I know you're listening
so pick up the mic.
This is Crosby. How's your back, Howard?
Oh, just hunky-dory, thanks. I just
swore out some warrants for your arrest.
Oh good golly!
But because I'm a nice guy
I'm gonna give you one last chance.
I got a phone call from that loony
in the lunch wagon. She wants to see you.
Only you.
She does?
Oh, her pants are blazing for you,
Newton Crosby!
Will you grow up?
I'll be there, Howard, on one condition.
- No Schroeder. Is it a deal?
- It's a deal.
Where does she want to meet?
The Black Lion Inn.
Good luck, sir.
Hi.
He's hidden far away.
He's scared of you guys, you know.
Do I get him or not?
First we talk, inside.
My ex-boyfriend used to bring me here.
- Ex?
- Hi, how're you doin'?
- Fine. Good to see you.
- Yeah, ex. So what?
Uh... nothing.
OK, here's the deal.
Number 5 is alive. I mean he is
really alive like you and me, see?
Mm-hm. I understand. They can seem
quite lifelike but they are still machines...
Just like your stereo
or your vacuum cleaner.
No, I know he's a machine. But you're
a machine, I'm a machine. We're alive.
How it happens who the hell knows
but it has happened.
OK.
Believe me, I am not against the idea
that that could happen...
But, you see, I built the machine
from scratch and alive? Alive?
It doesn't compute.
I know. It's not your everyday event,
but somehow it's true.
And Guerrero steps to the plate,
the pitch...
And it's a long line drive
to deep left centre.
- Hyde is going back for it.
- (RUSTLING)
He's... (GASPS)
Uh-oh!
Robert alert. Number 5 located.
- Engage and capture. Do not destroy.
- Oh, no!
Whoa!
Have you thought about what you're doing,
trying to hide something like this?
If you want to help Number 5...
Let me have it back.
It's malfunctioning and it needs
to be repaired.
Life is not a malfunction.
Ah!
NUMBER 1: Number 5 access code 29.
Stay where you are. Number 5...
- NUMBER 5: Strike three!
- NUMBER 1: Number 5, stay where you are.
(GARBLED SPEECH)
Number 1, you're outta there.
Number 5, stay where you are.
Oh my gosh!
Tools! Hammer! Axe!
Ah! Rope!
Three-quarter inch double-braid.
Perfecto!
Escaped robot fights for his life.
Film at Eleven.
Target in sight. Fire.
Whoa! Woop!
Capture and hold. Elevation 16.
Visibility five feet, two feet, no feet.
(WHISTLES) Hey! Laser lips!
Your mama was a snow-blower.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That waps you up, you wascally wobot!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Target located. Elevation 16 degrees.
Fire.
Holy moly! Um... um...
Hoo!
- Elevation 22 degrees.
- Down, boy!
Access lower. 17 degrees.
Ooh!
Temper, temper!
Fire.
Ooh!
Whay!
No, don't fire. Don't light a match.
Well, when you gotta go,
don't squeeze the Charmin.
(WHISTLES "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH")
(BEEPING)
(CAR HORN)
Oh, no! Nova!
Let me tell you something. I don't like
these Nova guys any more than you do.
In fact, I don't care if they ever get
Number 5 back, but I wanna see it.
If I show you where he is, do I have
your word? You will not experiment on him.
You will not flip his switches.
You will not take him apart.
Absolutely. You have my word.
OK. He's out back. I'll take you to him.
While you're at it, young lady,
you can take me too.
- Schroeder!
- Terrific job, Crosby. Thanks.
- No! I had nothing...
- You bastard!
- You're a liar!
- No, I had nothing...
Stephanie! A trap! Nova! Depart!
- Here's your table, sir.
- You little bastard!
No, please. No autographs, sir.
Come, Stephanie. We be German.
- Oh!
- Bastard!
Wait! Stop!
- Stop!
- Go! Go! Go! Go!
Great idea! Newton Crosby, PhDork.
Um... hmm...
Mmm.
What are you doing?
Keep driving.
Step on it.
OK. Hold on!
I have had it. I have had it!
This was a precision operation.
Schroeder, you set me up.
Crosby! I'm telling you right now,
This little fart of a robot is beginning
to give me the red ass.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Where the hell are those other robots?
They should have cut Number 5
to pieces, by now.
(CLATTERING)
- Where are you guys going?
- Who's asking?
- Wise guy.
- Ow!
Excuse this, and this.
(CLANKING)
- Ooh!
- Ow!
Cut it out!
Numbskulls!
(ENGINE STOPS)
(ENGINE TURNS OVER)
Hmm, cars. Dumb machines.
That creep!
I should have known.
Every time I think a guy's going to be OK,
he turns out to be a real jerk.
- They're all alike, all of them.
- Stephanie.
The next time they mess with us
we're gonna kick ass.
Kick ass? Donkey, mule, burro.
One of them comes near you, you blast 'em.
Just burn his butt with your laser.
- Burn?
- Yeah.
No. No disassemble.
Oh, Number 5, come on! They deserve it.
Stephanie.
Oh, Jesus! I'm sorry.
I just...
I just don't know what to do any more.
(JOHN WAYNE VOICE) Oh, take heart,
little lady. I'll fix their wagon.
Well, the cat has dragged in a sight
for four eyes, that's for sure.
You look dreadful. What happened?
Where is Number 5?
I saw something incredible.
I saw three robots totally reprogrammed
in ten minutes.
I saw Number 5 crash through a wall,
grab the girl,
I think he was rescuing her,
Crash through another wall
and drive away.
It was screaming her name.
Wait a minute. If you are thinking
what I'm thinking you're thinking...
Then you're thinking that that female chick
is some sort of super-hacker.
Sure. She's a super-hacker.
First she cracked the Nova access code.
Then she deciphered
the language I invented...
All while we were sitting in the bar.
Which was great.
Oh, really? Tell me what happened.
Well, we were interfacing,
operating on the same wavelength.
Very good. My advice helped then.
Yeah!
- She stick her tongue down your throat?
- No, no!
Sit in the van and tell me.
I want to know.
Yes, come on, Newton.
Oh my goodness, I am sporting
a tremendous woody, right now.
Come and tell me, Newton.
Our hands came really close to touching.
And she said I had really nice eyes.
Well, you have brown eyes.
And then Schroeder came in
with his Gestapo and ruined it all.
Oh, those bunch of male-type organs!
- Right.
- That's what I'm meaning.
(BEEPING)
That's the RF receiver. It's still tuned
to Number 5's wavelength, right?
Only if it is less than 20 feet away.
Hello, bozos.
Guys?
It's Howard. If you don't return my van
in 15 minutes...
Benjamin Jabituya,
Delete.
No, wait! Rethink yourself.
Exit, depart, leave.
Eat my dust, Newton Crosby.
Let us break wind.
Newton Crosby, no run, no talk. Drive.
Today, Crosby, today.
Number 5.
Number 5, where are you?
All right, dipshit! Where's Number 5?
What did you do to him?
- You gotta control yourself just a tad.
- Hello!
Hi.
You kidnapped him?
Kidnapped, Shanghaied, hi-jacked.
Outstanding!
Communicate, need input.
I have questions, queries, posers.
- You and me both.
- Oh, good!
You go up there, sit down,
look at the stars, talk to each other,
- Get to know each other man to man.
- Yes.
Beautiful stars better see.
Oh my god! Are all geniuses
as stupid as you?
He means it's a beautiful view
of the stars.
I think he speaks very well
for a four-day-old.
(DOG HOWLING)
Come, come. Input, input.
Mmm... beautiful!
Right, one more time from the top.
Who is your programmer?
Me.
You... you rewired all your switches!
No wonder you're malfunctioning.
Uh-uh! Switches are my switches.
Life, not malfunction.
Not malfunction. I am alive.
No you're not. You can't be.
There's got to be another explanation.
OK... what?
Sorry, time's up.
Wait a minute. I'm thinking.
Could be any number
of mechanical possibilities.
- Entrance of moisture into the system.
- Hm-mm.
- Heat expansion.
- Try again.
- Vibration damage.
- No way, Jose.
I'm fit as a fiddle.
OK. Then why did you ignore
your programming?
Programming says, "Destroy".
Is disassemble, make dead.
Number 5 cannot.
Why?
Why cannot?
Is wrong, incorrect.
Newton Crosby PhD not know this?
Well, of course I know it's wrong
to kill, but who told you?
I told me.
BOTH: Patty cake, patty cake,
baker's man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Here, I brought you some soup.
It's getting cold.
- Thank you.
- Convinced yet?
Uh-uh.
I got one!
Here we go. Patty cake, patty cake.
Number 5, what do you make of this?
Mmm.
Wood pulp, plant, vegetable.
Tomato, water, salt,
monosodium glutamate.
OK, thank you.
Now you're talking like a robot.
And resemble, look like...
Butterfly.
Bird.
- Maple leaf.
- Where?
Holy shit!
No shit. Where see shit?
Ah!
OK, here's your oscillating circuit,
that's done right.
Then here's... why d'you do this?
Why d'you do this? You shouldn't even be
operating. If this goes into...
Let me get my other one.
(HUMMING)
Got it.
Ah! I got it!
All right. This is it.
Now listen close.
There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi.
They're out playing golf...
And they're trying to decide
how much to give to charity.
The priest says, "We'll draw a circle
on the ground, throw the money up in the air..."
"And whatever lands inside the circle
we give to charity."
The minister says, "No. Draw a circle
on the ground, throw the money in the air..."
Aand whatever lands outside the circle,
that's what we give to charity."
The rabbi says, "No, no. We'll throw
the money way up in the air..."
"And whatever god wants, he keeps."
Hmm...
Oh, I get it!
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER ECHOES)
(STILL LAUGHING)
What's the matter?
Is he laughing?
Yeah!
Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny
and I think I screwed up the punchline.
"Whatever god wants he keeps!"
You look kind of shook up.
Yeah! It's really true.
Spontaneous emotional response.
I am alive, yes?
- Yeah! Yes, you are.
- Yes, yes, affirmative!
Affirmative!
Woo! Woo!
Hey! I hope you bought enough
for everybody.
- Give me one too, Steph.
- Ah!
Whoo! Right on the sensor!
- (BEEPING)
- (GASPS)
Danger! Nova!
(MILITARY MUSIC)
All right. In my van, come on.
- Why? Just tell them he's alive.
- It doesn't look like they want to hear.
Wait a minute. The plan was
we convince you then you convince them.
Damn it, Crosby, you lied to me again.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Deploy! Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!
Deploy!
The army! The real army.
Your target is there, gentlemen.
MARNER: Crosby!
If I were you, I would come outta there.
Stat!
Jesus, these guys are really severe.
Weapons, M60 machine guns,
40mm grenade launchers...
- Let me handle this, let me handle it.
- OK.
Hi, Howard!
Schroeder.
How you doin'?
Howard! Howard!
We're fine.
Number 5 is right here with us.
I've got it completely under my control.
- Another lie.
- I'm lying to them, not to you.
- It's still lying.
- Sh!
We're coming out now.
Howard! They're cooking something up.
I can smell it.
We gotta fry 'em now, Howard.
Don't you dare shoot your stupid guns.
Where's Number 5?
He's fine. He's in the van.
OK, OK.
Why don't you and the young lady just
get away from the van and let us handle it.
Yes, Stephanie, get away. Danger.
Now, listen...
I was able to activate
the voice command module.
Howard, goddamit!
I am sick and tired of listening
to this technical bullshit.
Shut up, Schroeder. I'll handle this.
Sorry.
Crosby, we're going to have to ask you
to surrender the robot.
No.
Stat?
Stat.
What does that mean anyway?
I don't know.
But that's not the point.
We need that robot.
Howard, listen.
I know what the malfunction is.
Sorry, Crosby.
We can't take any more chances.
- We're not losing that thing again.
- Howard, if you just come over...
- And inspect the unit...
- (SHE SCREAMS)
You're all such a bunch of liars.
As soon as they're clear, open fire!
- What have you done, Schroeder?
- I'll take care of this.
You are not taking over. Now listen...
Whee! Bull's-eye!
NEWTON: Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
He's alive! He's alive!
Hold off, Howard. You're making
the biggest mistake in history.
He's alive. I can prove it.
Look, it's OK. He's going to make it.
No!
Number 5!
I can use that on my TV set.
Oh my god! Get me out of here.
Magnificent! Magnificent! Now that,
my friend, is how you kick ass.
Years of research are down the tube
and you're happy as a pig in slop.
Just doing my job, sir.
Maybe from now on,
you can do it somewhere else.
Are you gonna be OK?
I don't think so.
Not for a while.
I'm sorry you lost your job.
But I'm really glad you quit Nova.
What are you gonna do now?
I don't know yet.
My dad left me a few acres
up in Montana.
I hear it's beautiful there
at this time of year.
NUMBER 5: Great idea! I say we cruise
on up there and check it out.
Hi, honey! I'm home!
Number 5?
(HE LAUGHS)
Pull over, pull over, quick! Pull over!
- Mmm, Stephanie!
- Oh, Number 5, it's so good to see you.
I thought they blew you up.
- Counterfeit, facsimile, replica.
- You're alive.
He made a duplicate of himself
from all these spare parts.
That's incredible - this guy's a genius!
Well, above average.
Oh, Number 5, you are great.
You are outstandingly great.
What's our next move?
Well, come on. Let's do like he says.
- We'll go to Montana.
- Yeah!
I've got 40 acres up there.
Great for him to hide out, soak up input.
Oh, I don't know. I have responsibilities here.
What about my animals?
- Come on, Stephanie.
- Wait a minute. Did you say 40 acres?
Uh-huh.
Listen... do you like animals?
Yeah, well, how many animals
are we talking about?
Great. I drive. You two work this out.
Yo!
Number 5 stupid name.
Want to be Kevin.
Or Dave.
Just watch the road, OK?
Maybe Johnny.
Yeah, Johnny Five.
That's cool.
NUMBER 5: Give me five. (LAUGHS)
Category:Transcripts
Category:TriStar Pictures Transcripts