Despicable Me 3/Transcript

[?]
Kevin: [clears throat] Illumina- [Stuart hits him with a flower pot]
Stuart: Illumina- [Mel hits him with a wooden mallet]
Mel: Illuminati- [sees Bob with a Fart Gun]
Bob: [uses Fart Gun, making Mel pass out, chuckles] Illumination! [gets sprayed by sides of Fart Gun]
[?]
TV Show Host: The year was 1985, and the number one show on TV was...
Bratt: Evil Bratt!
TV Show Host: The show started young Balthazar Bratt as a child prodigy and criminal mastermind bent on world domination.
Guard: There he is! Get him!
Young Bratt: [kicks the guards] Wham! Goo-goo! I've been a bad boy!
TV Show Host: Bratt was the biggest child actor of the 1980s, striking a chord with audiences all over the world.
[the children cheer, giving high fives to the Bratt figures, then Bratt laughs, landing on the ground]
Guard: There he is! Get him!
[Bratt kicks the guards]
TV Show Host: But it all came to an end in season three, when...
Young Bratt: I've been a bad boy. Boy? Boy.
TV Show Host: The young star experienced an unexpected growth spurt.
[puts the text on the screen, saying, "CANCELED"]
TV Show Host: The show was canceled. Hollywood rejected him, and Bratt quickly plunged into a downward spiral, starting to actually believe he was the character he played on TV.
Young Bratt: What are you lookin' at?! [shakes the camera]
TV Show Host: Leading us all to wonder...
[Bratt punches the camera, breaking it]
TV Show Host: ...where is he now?
[?]
Bratt: [laughs, running away, looking at a boat, blowing a bubble gum] You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better. Heist music!
Clive: Here it comes!
[the music begins "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin playing]
Bratt: [exclaims in disgust] What? Clive, what are you doing?! How is that heist music?!
Clive: Sorry. My bad. [turns the cassette over]
[Bratt speeds up the boat, with the music of "Bad" by Michael Jackson playing, putting on flippers, putting on a diver disguise, dancing to the music, diving into the water, with the man looking at a binoculars, climbing up to the boat, blowing up a bubble gum, looking at a man, throwing up on the guard, putting a big bubble around him]
Guard #1: Ew!
[Bratt knocks the guard, then he continues dancing]
Guard #2: Mommy!
[Bratt jumps in]
Guard #3: Stop or I'll...
[the bubble gum, puts around the man, then cut to the Anti Villain League Headquarters]
Woman: Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kind of monster.
Silas: Wait, that's not a monster. That's a man wearing shoulder pads. There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated. Balthazar Bratt. Blast it! The Dumont diamond is on that ship. I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately.
[the minions pass by a clownfish, laughing]
Lucy: We're already here. Agents Grucy are closing fast.
Gru: Yes! Wait, wha? What did you call us?
Lucy: "Grucy." You know, "Gru" and "Lucy" mushed together. [chuckling] Try it.
Gru: [chuckling] Oh! I like it but not a lot. I don't like it.
[they continue riding in submarines, then the boat continues rising up their gums, then Bratt goes down]
Guard #4: Stop!
Guard #5: On the ground!
[the guards shoot closer at Bratt, knocking the guards, opening the door, using a yo-yo, wrapping around a locker, revealing a diamond, then he continues dancing, then the guards come down]
* Guard 6: Go, go, go!
* [Bratt throws a cube to the guards, spinning around, exploding the cube to the guards, then they continue riding in their submarines, then Bratt comes out of the door]
* Bratt: [looks at the submarines] Too late again, Gru! [cackling, walking up the boat]
* [the boat continues rising up]
* Gru: Wha...?! He's getting away!
* Lucy: That's what he thinks! [gets out of a submarine, revealing a bike]
* [they ride their bikes up to the boat, then the Minions try to ride their bike up to the boat]
* Minions: Go, go, go... Oh. Uh, go go! Go! Go! Go!
* [they both continue riding up to the boat]
* Lucy: I don't think we can make it, Gru!
* Gru: We can make it! [goes faster up to the boat] We can maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake iiiiiiiiiiit! [touches the boat] No, we can't!
* Lucy: Get ready! [presses a button]
* Gru: Get ready for wh...
* [they fly up to the boat, then the Minions fall down]
* Man: Hey. How you doing?
* [the Minions fall down to the ground]
* Girl: [offscreen, gasping] Are you okay?
* [the Minions speak in Minionese, chuckling]
* Girl: You guys are so cute.
* Lucy: Go get him, Gru-Gru!
* Bratt: Hello, Gru. How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent?
* Gru: Oh, that's hilarious. You should be on TV. [kicks the gun] Oh, that's right. [takes out his freeze ray gun] You were! But then you got cancelled!
* Bratt: [kicks the freeze ray gun] Ha-ha!
* Gru: [kicks the gun] What about that! [squirts at Bratt] Wha? Oh, girls! [throws a squirt gun at Bratt, trying to punch Bratt]
* Bratt: Dance fight!
* [the music begins "Sussudio" by Phil Collins playing]
* Bratt: Diamond!
* Gru: [punches Bratt, taking the diamond] Alpha Team, the diamond is secure. Come and pick up the package.
* Guard 6: Copy that. Alpha Team in approach.
* [the boat continues going slower]
* Bratt: Gru!
* [Gru gasps]
* Bratt: Did you actually think I was unconscious?
* [Gru gasps]
* Bratt: It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it! [shoots at Gru, flying to the pole, with the music of "Jump" by Van Halen playing, flying clothes off of him, covering in bubble gum] I've been a bad boy! [laughing]
* Guard 7: Freeze don't move!
* Bratt: Son of a Betamax!
* Guard 8: Go! Go! Get him! Get him!
* Guard 9: Go get him!
* Guard 10: He's getting away.
* Bratt: [flies away] This isn't over, Gru. You hear me? This is not over.
* Gru: Yeah? Well, I still have the diamond. [laughing]
* Group: [singing] Happy birthday to you!
* Gru: [singing] Happy birthday, dear Dan. Happy birthday to you.
* [the Minions laugh, then they all dance, with the music of "Maria" by Ricky Martin playing, then the title card appears, the car drives by the people, dancing to the beat, with the man looking at Gru, with the music of "Despicable Me" playing]
* Gru: I can't believe Bratt got away again. How is that possible? How?
* [the car goes up and down, then they go up and down, knocking the car, laughing]
* Gru: And it's not just that he got away. It is he's so smug about it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I've been a bad boy!" Gah!
* Lucy: Edna, hey! Looking hot, today. Got, uh, cats on you.
* Gru: And it was so humiliating, dangling there in the bubble-gum Speedo. And I didn't have to to go to the gym this week, and I had a big breakfast. And was feeling a little bloated.
* [they both go up]
* Gru: You know what? He's not even worth talking about. I don't even want to waste another breath about the guy. And another thing! Next time I see Bratt, I will moonwalk all over his stupid face! [scatting] Dah, ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ah, ta-tah!
* Silas: Thank you all for coming at such short notice. It is with great sadness that I inform you that, as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL.
* [they all gasp, chattering]
* Lucy: Oh, no.
* Silas: Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted, ver ambitious, Miss Valerie da Vinci. As I look out all over your faces, I am flooded with so many memories.
* Valerie: Oh, boy! This is a snooze fest!
* Silas: Uh... E-Excuse me. This is my last...
* Valerie: Blah, blah, blah! We understand. You're old, you're fat, you're done. [pushes Silas]
* Silas: Let me breathe in.
* Valerie: [pushes Silas in] Ooh, broke a little sweat there. [laughing] First order of business. [clears her throat] WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS IS AGENT GRU?!
* Gru: Oh, that would be me. Although, I don't know if I'd say "loser", per se. Kind of is... [hears a phone ringing, taking it out, looking at Agnes, Margo, and Edith] Oh, it's the girls. Not a good time.
* Valerie: Hey!
* Gru: [screams] Yes, sir! [gasping] Uh, ma'am? You're making me nervous.
* Valerie: How could you let Balthazar Bratt, the AVL's most wanted villain, just get away? That is the opposite of what we do here!
* Gru: Okay, okay. Yes, maybe he got away. Again. But he didn't get the diamond. And I am this close to bringing him in. This close.
* Valerie: Huh. Interesting. YOU'RE FIRED!
* Gru: [gasping] What?
* Lucy: That's totally not fair. Gru is a great agent! You know what? If you fire him, you're gonna have to fire me, sister-sister. And do you really want to do that? Do ya?
* [the men throw Gru and Lucy]
* Gru: No, no, no, no, no, hey!
* [they both fall down, screaming, putting parachutes on]
* Lucy: Well, I guess she did.
* [cut at night to the house]
* Gru: Honey, you didn't have to do that. I know how much you love your job.
* Lucy: Well, I love other things more.
* [they both walk to the house]
* Lucy: You know, we're gonna have to tell the girls. [to Gru] Can you do it? The whole mom thing is still kind of new to me?
* Gru: Oh, sure. [tries to put a key in the hole, opening the door] Huh? Psst. [clicks his tongue, exhaling, trilling, making pop sounds, then hooting like an owl]
* [Lucy trills, then Gru goes in the house, then Lucy goes in the house]
* Gru: Hello?
* [Agnes and Margo push Gru and Lucy outside]
* Both: Aloha!
* Gru: This is unexpected.
* Margo: Well, you never got to go on a honeyoon, so...
* Edith: We made you dinner!
* Agnes: It's a luau! We got pineapples and coconuts and ukeleles!
* Gru: Oh.
* Both: Yay!
* [the Minions play on bongos and ukelele singing in Minionese]
* Agnes: The soup of the day. Madame and monsieur. The gummy bears were my idea.
* Gru: [looks at a gummy bear appearing from a soup] Mmm! Looks too good to even eat. Am I right? [laughing]
* Agnes: But I made it for you.
* Gru: Oh. [eats the soup] Mm! Mmm, mmm, mmm! Good soup! I love the combination... [swallowing] ...of gummy bears and meat.
* Lucy: [eats the soup, spitting it out] I'm gonna hold it in my mouth. 'Cause it's so good, I don't want to swallow it.
* Margo: So, how was work?
* Edith: Ooh, did you take that guy down? Did anything explode?
* Gru: Well, actually, today, Lucy and I were invited to not work at the AVL anymore.
* [the Minions stop playing bongos and ukelele]
* Minion: No! [slaps his hand on another Minion]
* Margo: You got fired?
* Gru: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no. [chuckling] Yes.
* Lucy: Wha...? But don't worry. I'm sure we'll get new jobs real soon. Even better ones.
* Edith: [scoffs] What's better than being supercool secret agents?
* Agnes: Ooh, I know! You could gamble online! That's what Katie's dad does.
* Gru: Okay. We will definitely look into that. That's a good suggestion. And let's not go over to Katie's house anymore. [hears a phone ringing] Hmm? [looks at a phone with a Minion, saying, "Mel is calling"]
* [cut to the Minions]
* Gru: Guys! Shh, shh, shh, shh. I don't think you heard me right. No, no, no, no, no. This does not mean that we are going back to being villains. [throws a flower at the Minion]
* Minions: Aw! [speaking in Minionese]
* Gru: Okay, all right. I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Dr. Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite.
* [the Minions make a Dr. Nefario in carbonite]
* Gru: But our life of crime is over. Ah, w... Mel! Mel, you're with me on this, right?
* Mel: Ah. [sputtering, speaking in Minionese, pressing a button, revealing Gru in a tank] Bueno.
* [the Minions cheer, revealing Gru in a lawn mower]
* Mel: Bueno.
* [the Minions boo, reveaing Gru sneaking over the lasers]
* Mel: Bueno.
* [the Minions cheer, revealing Gru and Kyle, then the Minions boo, revealing Gru with a dynamite, then the Minions cheer, revealing Gru with a plunger in a toilet]
* Minions: Boo!
* [Mel chants]
* Gru: Guys, listen to me! Read my lips! Lisa me lippo. Pomodora a comquit.
* [they speak in Minionese, blowing a raspberry, laughing]
* Gru: What? What? Huh? What did I say? It's not "comquit"? [looks at a book] Ah, okay. Pomodoro a kumquat.
* Mel: Whoa, whoa, whoa. [speaks in Minionnese]
* Gru: Don't take that tone with me. We're not going back to villainy.
* Mel:: Uh, no tyranny?
* Gru Yes! And I don't want to hear another word about it.
* [the Minions blow their raspberry]
* Gru: Look, if you guys don't stop right now, there will be consequences.
* Mel: Ah. [speaks in Minionese]
* Gru: Hey, don't say anything you're going to regret.
* Mel: Oh. [speaks in Minionese] Hmm. [takes his hat off] Hmm. [drops his hat] Ciao.
* Gru: What? You quit?
* [the Minions murmur]
* Gru: You're serious? Come on!
* [the Minion jumps on the cap, then the Minions walk out]
* Gru: Dave! Jerry! [laughing] Great news, guys. You have been promoted. You're in charge now. Huh? Not bad.
* [the Minions laugh and whoop, taking off their disguises]
* Minion: Yippee!
* Minions: Roo-ba, roo-ba, roo-ba, roo-ba, roo-ba, roo-ba...
* Gru: [groans] Jeesh!
[cut to Paris, France, with the Monsieur Pompeux getting out of a car, then the Monsieur Pompeux appears]
Museum Director: Monsieur Pompeux! [kisses Monsiur Pompeux] To what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert?
Monsieur Pompeux: The chief of police sent me. He was concerned that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont diamond was replaced with a phony.
[they all gasp, then Museum Director opens the door, with Monsieur Pompeux walking in to the diamond, snapping his fingers, looking at a diamond, sniffing it, licking it]
Monsieur Pompeux: Ooh-la-la! You have been duped.
Museum Director: What? We have?!
Monsieur Pompeux: Yes! BY ME! [shoots at the men]
Museum Director: But what is...? [looks at Monsieur Pompeux head] Oh, no! [runs away] Help!
Bratt: [shoots at Museum Director, taking off Monsieur Pompeux outfit, pressing play button, with the music of "Take on Me" by A-ha playing, grappling up, revealing the disco light, grabbing the diamond, going up] I've been a bad boy! Or should I say, Je suis un mauvais garcon! [laughing]
[cut back to the house, pouring rain, with the music of "There's Something Special" by Pharrel Williams playing, with Lucy looking around, looking at the girls sleeping]
Lucy: Oh. [closes the door]
* [the girls continue sleeping, forming a Minion shape, closing the door, then cut to Gru who is sitting on the rocket, bored. Then Lucy walks up to him.]
* Lucy: Hey, Gru. What you doing down here? In the dark. Alone.
* Gru: Oh, nothing. Just thinking.
* Lucy: You okay?
* Gru: Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just... Aah, I don't know. I guess I just feel like a failure. Like I don't have a purpose anymore.
* Lucy: Hey, mister, you are not a failure.
* Gru: If only I could have nailed Bratt. So many times, I almost had him. But now I'll never get the chance, 'cause I have been kicked to the curb.
* Lucy: Gru, you've got to let this go. It's time to look forward. Things will get better, I promise. [kisses Gru, walking away, then Gru sighs]
* [cut to Fritz, holding an umbrella, with the Minions walking by]
* Fritz: Oh, excuse me. Uh, pardon me, young people? Would you tell me how to get to this address?
* [the Minion looks at a paper]
* Fritz: I'm looking for a Mr. Gru.
* [the Minion speaks in Minionese, blowing raspberry]
* Minion: Ciao.
* [the Minion blows raspberry, jumping on the paper, blowing raspberry again, running away]
* Fritz: Idiots.
* [cut to Kyle and Gru, chewing on the paper]
* Gru: No! Kyle! Stop! Ugh! Kyle, let go! [rips a newspaper, looking at Bratt with a diamond, saying, "BRATT STEALS WORLD'S BIGGEST DIAMOND"] No! No! You've got to be kidding me! Lucy, did you s--
* Agnes: He helps you if you have nightmares. And he's really good to snuggle with.
* Gru: Oh, no, no, no. Agnes! Agnes!
* Agnes: So, take good care of him.
* Little Girl: Thank you! [laughing]
* Gru: Agnes, what are you doing? You, you sold your unicorn?
* Agnes: Well, I just wanted to help, since you don't have a job. I got two whole dollars for it.
* Fritz: [clears throat] Uh, excuse me?
* Gru: Sorry, buddy, the sale's over.
* Fritz: Yes, but this will only take a...
* Gru: [to Fritz] Hey, eyebrows, get off the lawn.
* Fritz: Ja, but...
* Gru: [sighs heavily] Hey, could you...?
* Fritz: Oh, uh, of course. Now, as I was saying, I...
* [Gru presses a button]
* Fritz: ...uh, oh.
* Gru: Good-bye!
* [Fritz flies to the ground, laughing]
* Gru: Listen, Agnes, you don't need to worry. We're going to be fine.
* Agnes: For real?
* Gru: For real. Now, come on, let's pack this stuff up.
* Fritz: Ow. Ow.
* Gru: Seriously?
* Fritz: Ow. Oh.
* Gru: Buddy, you're getting a hint.
* Fritz: E-Excuse me, Mr. Gru, but I really must have a word with you.
* Gru: How do you know my name?
* Fritz: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Fritz.
* [Kyle bites Fritz]
* Fritz: Ow! [to Kyle] Good puppy. And I am inquiring on behalf of your twin brother, Dru. He needs your help.
* Gru: What? Twin brother?
* Agnes: Twin brother?
* [they both speak in Minionese]
* Fritz: Oh, ja. He would like to fly you to Freedonia to meet him. Your father has recently passed away, and...
* Gru: [laughing] Okay, cuckoo. I'm sorry, but my dad died... [takes Fritz] when I was a baby. And I don't have any broher. You got the wrong guy.
* Fritz: Really? Well, then, how do you explain this?
* Gru: Uh, wha...?
* [cut to the pool, humming "Garota de Ipanema"]
* Vincenzo: [laughing] Bellissimo!
* Gru's Mom: [laughing] Oh. Oh, hello, Gru.
* Gru: Hi, Mom.
* Gru's Mom: It's important to keep active in one's golden years.
* [the man pokes his head]
* Gru's Mom: There you are, you cutie, you. Uh, these are my diving instructors, Vincenzo and Paolo. [growling playfully, laughing] Ciao, boys. [groans] So, what do you want?
* Gru: Mom, do I have a twin brother?
* Gru's Mom: [screams] How did you find out? Who told you?
* Gru: Wait. What? It's true?! You never told me I had the brother! And you told me that Dad died of disappointment when I was born.
* Gru's Mom: Ja, ja. Uh, uh, that was the agreement.
* Gru: Agreement? What are you talking about?
* Gru's Mom: [sighs] Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own, and promised never to see each other again. [scrunches the paper photo] Obviously... [laughing] ...I got second pick.
* Gru: [looks at a paper photo] I have a brother.
* [the music begins "Fun Fun Fun" by Pharrell Williams playing, flying in a jet]
* Lucy: Hey, girls! How are things in Row B, huh? I put together some fun activities for the trip! Who is up for some gin rummy?
* Margo: Yeah. Um, we're good.
* Lucy: Oh, okay. I'll just sit here and play solitaire. I hope I win.
* Gru: I wonder what Dru will be like. Ooh. Maybe we'll have the twin thing when you can read each other's minds, no? How cool will that be?
* Lucy: Um, super cool! [laughing]
* [the jet lands by the pigs, then the Minion takes a pictures, tackling them down]
* Both: Freedonia! Freedonia! Freedonia!
* Agnes Hi, piggy, piggy!
* Edith: Whoa! Look at that house! It's like a castle!
* Gru: [singing] I can't wait to meet my brother! [spoken] Uh, what's with all the pigs?
* Fritz: This is the family business. The largest pig farm in the whole of Freedonia.
* [the pig attacks Gru, gasping]
* Gru: Okay, nice pig. [groaning] No! That's my private part!
* [the pig carries Gru, yelling]
* Gru: This pig has issues!
* Fritz: Please, come in.
* [they all go in the building, then Gru bumps Fritz, closing the door]
* Lucy: Oh, this is amazing. [looks at the pigs] It's like the Sistine Chapel! But with pigs.
* Dru: [laughing] MY BROTHER!
* Both: My brother!
* Dru: Gru!
* Gru: Dru!
* Dru: [laughs, looking at Gru, grabbing Gru] Brother! I am hugging you! I'm so happy!
* Gru: Mm, mm.
* Dru: After all of these years, finally I'm meeting you!
* Gru: Yu, yup. All right, good.
* Dru: Oh, look at that. [grabs Lucy] You must be the beautiful wife.
* Lucy: Beautiful? [he twirls her] Oh. Stop it. Sweet talker.
* Dru: How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? [laughing] I'm joking. [jumping up] This must by my nieces! [gasping] You're Agnes! You are small with big eyes. And it makes me want to put you into my pocket.
* Agnes: You can't do that! I'm too big.
* Dru: [laughing] Edith! I can tell that you are a little mischievous. We're gonna have to make it a little trouble later.
* Edith: Well, I already have!
* [the Minion attack Fritz, saying, "Kick ME!"]
* Fritz: Why are you doing that? Ow.
* Dru: Fist bump for mischievous behavior. And Margo. Oh, you are so mature. I'm guessing, what, mm, 15?
* Margo: [laughing] 15?
* Gru: [to Margo] She's 12. She looks 12, and will always be 12.
* Lucy: So, Dru, this place is amazing. I mean, you just walk through the doors, and you're, like... [makes silly noise, laughing]
* Dru: Oh, it's nice, I guess, sure. [puts sunglasses on] I'm not really into things.
* Edith: Wow! This is so cool!
* Agnes: Look at that!
* Edith: Oh, my gosh, he's even got a helicopter!
* Agnes: This the best!
* Gru: Yes, the best! [quietly] All right, let's go home now.
* Lucy: Home? Why?
* Gru: I don't know. This guy with mansion and the cars, and all of the hair, with silky smooth, luxurious hair. I feel worse than I did before I came.
* Lucy: Oh, but he's your brother, Gru. Give this chance.
* Dru: Oh. I was thinking, while Gru and I catch up on some brother stuff, you girls should go with Fritz. He has a surprise for you.
* Agnes: Yay!
* Edith: Yay!
* Margo: Awesome!
* Agnes: I love surprises!
* Lucy: Oh, this is perfect! Mother-daughter bonding time. Let's do it! [whooping]
* [they all go in the car]
* Lucy: Bye! You boys have fun!
* Gru: Ah, ha, ha. Whoopee!
* [cut to the Balthazar Bratt commercial]
* Announcer: Now you can be as evil as Balthazar Bratt with the Evil Bratt action figure. Featuring music-activated break dance mode. Also featuring bubblegum-launching shoulder pads! And the all-new Mega Diamond Laser!
* [the laser shoots at a book]
* Commercial Kid: No more math! I've been a bad boy! [cackling]
* Announcer: Mega Diamond Laser does not actually incinerate books.
* Bratt: [sighs] How could Hollywood cancel a show that produced toys like this, Clive? [blows a bubblegum] Evil Bratt was a masterpiece! Does no one value true art anymore?
* Clive: It's a disgrace and a travesty, sir.
* Bratt: Well, now that I've got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it's too bad Gru won't be around to try and stop me. Oh, wait! No, it's not. I hate that dweeb! And you, Hollywood! This time, I'm canceling you, and all the losers who rejected me! [lasers around]
* [cut back to Freedonia]
* Minion: Oh, piggy, piggy!
* Dru: So, how are things going for you career-wise?
* Gru: [laughing] Great! So, so, great! Crushing it.
* Dru: Well, I've got something that I think you will find very interesting. [dials the code] Hold onto your face, brother. [chuckling, trying to down]
* [they both fall down]
* Minion: Yee-haw! Ya! Ya!
* [they ride inside to the fan blade, then Gru and Dru continue falling down to the fan blade, then the Minion falls down, then the pig lands on his hand
* Minion: Sunny.
* [another Minion falls down]
* Minion: Ah. Si, si.
* [the pig falls on the Minion]
* Minion: Ah, Sunny.
* Gru: Oh. Oh. Oh!
* Dru: [takes Gru] Come. Come on!
* Gru: What is all this?
* Dru: [offscreen] The pig farm was just a cover for the real family business.
* [the Minion laughs, speaking in Minionese]
* Minion: And boobs.
* Dru: Now, feast your eyes on Dad's lair! Tada!
* Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. So, our dad was a villain?
* Dru: No, no, no, not just a villain. One of the greatest of all time! He was known as "The Bald Terror."
* Gru: That's him? Our dad?
* Dru: He was so proud of you and what a great villain you were.
* Gru: [gasping] He was?
* Dru: But, me, ah, uh, not so much. To Dad, I was just a failure. He never thought I had what it took to be a villain. But now, you can help me prove him wrong! Brother, teach me the art of villainy!
* Gru: No. No, no, no, I can't do that.
* Dru: What? But it, it's our family tradition! You can't say no to that!
* Gru: Look, I'm sorry. I left that life behind me. End of story.
* Dru: Oh. Okay. I understand. Hmm. I wonder what this does. [pulls lever]
* [they Minions and the pig fall down, revealing a rocket car]
* Gru: Holey moley!
* Dru: Dad's villain wheels! Pretty slick, huh? Hey, you want to take her out for a spin? Just for some fun?
* [they both go fast in a rocket car]
* Gru: Oh! Oh! Oh! Look out! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Oh!
* Dru: Ha-ha! What a beautiful day! Zero to 400 seconds. Able to withstand a nuclear blast. Armed to the teeth!
* [the car takes out the missles]
* Gru: Oh-ho-ho! Okay, that's pretty nice.
* Dru: And it's a hybrid.
* Gru: Oh, look out!
* [they go left, then they fall down, pressing the buttons, shooting a grapplig hook, driving up, with Gru falling out, holding on]
* Gru: Help me! [vibrating] I am not enjoying this!
* [the car flies around, then cut to the town]
* Lucy: Whoa! What is going on here?
* Fritz: Welcome to the annual Freedonian Cheese Festival.
* Game Host: Go!
* [the man with the cheese slides down, then the man tries to slide down]
* Agnes: Oh, look! Look! Look at all the candies! [grabs the chick lollipops, imitating the peep]
* Edith: Whoa-hoa-hoa! Lucy, can we get these?
* Agnes: Please?
* Lucy: Okay, but only one each. [grabs the coin] I mean it.
* Edith: Aw.
* Agnes: Aw, man.
* Lucy: No, I don't. Get as many as you want. [takes the dollars to Edith and Agnes] I don't care.
* Edith: Whoo-hoo!
* Agnes: Yay! Awesome!
* Margo: Uh...
* Lucy: What?
* Margo: Well, it's okay to tell them no sometimes, too. You know? Moms need to be tough.
* Lucy: Right, right. Tough. Good one. I can totally do that. You know, still figuring out this mom thing. Gettin' my sea legs, matey.
* [they hear Agnes yelling]
* Agnes: It's a unicorn! Can we go in there? Please, please, please, please, please?
* [Scar-Faced Man throws the people out]
* Lucy: Uh, yeah, sure, yeah. You know, but first let's, um... [gasping] Oh, look! It's a traditional Freedonian dance. How amazing does that look?
* People: [singing] Say, say, say cheese!
* Lucy: Cheese! I love this. The little girls go and get the cheese from the little boys. Oh, that's adorable! Aw, look at that poor little guy. With his little boots.
* [Niko continues dancing]
* Lucy: Nobody picked him. Oh, Margo, why don't you go up there?
* Margo: No way.
* Lucy: Okay. Wait a minute. No, Go take a bite of his cheese, young lady, right now.
* Margo: What?
* Lucy: I'm being tougher. You know, like you said.
* Margo: No, I meant be tougher on them. Not me.
* Lucy: Oh, come on, just do it. What's the worst that could happen?
* [Niko squeaks his boots]
* Margo: [rolls her eyes] Fine. [walks to Niko, gasping]
* Niko: Wow.
* Margo: [to Niko] Hey, there. I'm Margo.
* Niko: Hello, Margo! I am Niko. Would you like some of my cheese?
* Margo: [nervously eats his cheese] Mmm!
* People: [continue singing] Say, say, say cheese!
* Niko: Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you, Margo! Thank you!
* Margo: Whoo-ha-ha-hey!
* Niko: Bam! I am a great mother.
* People: [continue singing] Say, say, say cheese!
* Lucy: Did you see that, girls? I laid down the... [looks around] Oh, no. Where are they? Ooh, Agnes? Edith!
* Edith: Hello.[chuckles nervously]
* [they both walk in]
* Agnes: Look! A unicorn horn! My little brain is going to explode!
* Edith: Oh, Agnes, that's fake.
* Scar-Faced Man: Oh-ho. Ho-ho. It's real, all right.
* [Agnes gasps]
* Scar-Faced Man: That horn came from the Crooked Forest, the only place on earth where unicorns still live.
* [they all laugh, then the man throws a dart on the nose, spitting at the man]
* Scar-Faced Man: Laugh, laugh, all of you! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! They all think I'm crazy. But I'm telling you, I saw one once with my own eye.
* Agnes: Wait. You saw a for-real-life UNICORN?! What did it look like? [gasping] Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? Was it FLUFFY?!
* Scar-Faced Man: It was so fluffy. [choked up] I thought I was gonna die.
* Agnes: Do you think maybe I could find one, too?
* Scar-Faced Man: Oh. They say if a maiden pure of heart goes into the Crooked Forest, the unicorn will come and be hers, forever.
* [Agnes starts to squeal, then screaming, breaking the window]
* Lucy: Agnes! [kicks the man, grabbing the man, kicking the man, grabbing the table, kicking the man] Goal! Excuse me. [takes a dart off, putting another on the nose] Girls, don't worry, I'm here. Are you okay?
* Edith: Yeah, we're fine. Are you?
* Agnes: Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find one!
* Lucy: Aw. Sorry. Went a little Mama Bear on you. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one.
* [Gru and Dru continue driving down, knocking the candy truck]
* Dru: Wait for me here.
* Gru: Oh. Stop that! Ow! You kicked me.
* [Dru opens a door]
* Gru: Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
* [Dru grabs the lollipops]
* Gru: Did you just steal candy?
* Dru: Yes!
* Gru: That's a lot effort for two lollipops.
* [the policemen go down to Gru and Dru]
* Dru: Oh, oh, no! The police! What do we do, what do we do?
* Gru: [laughing] Come on this is gonna be fun!
* [they all go down, while they continue charging at Gru and Dru]
* Dru: [screaming] THE POLICE ARE GONNA GET US! [screaming] I'M FREAKING OUT! PIGS!
* [the car stops by the pigs]
* Dru: COPS!
* [the policemen continue riding down, landing by the pigs, then they continue driving faster, going left]
* Dru: Ha! Whoa! They're back!
* Gru: Ha-ha. All right. [presses a button, then the car flies up, putting a drill on, going underground, then going on the water]
* Dru: Ooh, ooh, man, that was crazy! We were so close to getting busted.
* Gru: Tell me about it. I thought you were going to pee your pants.
* Dru: [offscreen] I did!
* Gru: [offscreen] You did!
* [cut to the Minions, walking down]
* Minion: Hey, Mel.
* [the man passes by the Minions]
* Minion: Huh? La pizza.
* [the Minions run down to get the pizza, while the Minions continue chanting, looking at the TV]
* Officer Guard 1: What are you doing? Intruders! Intruders!
* [the Minions continue running to get the pizza]
* Officer Guard 2: There they are!
* Officer Guard 1: Stop!
* Officer Guard 2: Hey, you! Don't move! Halt!
* [they all go inside]
* Officer Guard 1: Call for backup!
* [they all go in the dark, then the light turns on, then the microphone appears, then "Modern Major General" begins playing, pushing the Minion, then they start singing in Minionese]
* Guard: Get 'em! Go! Go!
* [the Minions continue singing "Modern Major General" in Minionese, with a guard walking to the Minions, taking a breath, then they continue singing, forming a heart shape, giving applause]
* Guard 1: Hey, you!
* Guard 2: Freeze!
* Guard 3: Don't move!
* Guard 4: Hands in the air!
* [cut to Gru and Dru, taking their clothes off]
* Dru: Ah. Face it, Gru, villainy is in your blood. You can't tell me you don't miss the rush, a little?
* Gru: Uh, yeah, maybe a little.
* Dru: And now you've got the chance to get back on top, get your mojo back, become Gru again. How awesome would that be?
* Gru: Hmm.
* Dru: Oh, please, come on. [whispers] Just one heist. There's got to be something out there, somewhere, that you still want to steal.
* Gru: Hmm. There is something. How about we steal the largest diamond in the world?!
* Dru: Yes! I love it! [kicks the water] Oh, thank you, brother! Thank you from the bottoms of my heart!
* [they all dance on the water]
* Dru: Oh, you know what? We should do something to celebrate!
* Gru: Oh-ho-ho! I have got the perfect idea!
* [cut to the dining table]
* Edith: Fritz, my good fellow, could me another napkin, please?
* Fritz: Ah, yes. Of course, Miss Edith. [opens the door]
* [the Minions blare the horn at Fritz, then they laugh, taking a napkin to Fritz]
* Minion: What?!
* Lucy: Hey, where are Gru are Dru?
* Dru: Here we are!
* Gru: Oh. How's it going? It's me, Gru.
* Dru: And me, Dru.
* [Gru snickers]
* Dru: I hug everybody whether they like it or not.
* Agnes: Why are they pretending to be each other?
* [Edith scoffs, putting brocoli down]
* Gru: Oh. What's for dinner? I probably won't like it. I'm so grumpy all the time.
* Dru: Hey, I laugh a lot. [snickers] And I'm kind of an idiot.
* [they both laugh, falling down from the chair]
* Dru: Oh, I'm busting a gut.
* Gru: Look at them! They have no idea! Total burn. Oh, look, it's me, Gru!
* Dru: And I'm Dru! We switched places!
* Lucy: Oh, it's nice to see you two getting along.
* Gru: Oh, we're getting...
* Dru: Along perfectly. Wait. Did we...
* Gru: Just finish...
* Dru: Each...
* Gru: Other's...
* Both: Sentences?
* [they both laugh]
* Lucy: Oh, that's delightful. Not creepy at all. And you're gonna stop now, thought, right?
* Gru: Sorry, it's a twin thing.
* Lucy: Uh-huh. So, uh, what did you guys do today?
* Both: Nothing.
* Lucy: Okay. What does it...
* Agnes: All done. [gets out of her chair] Pardon me. [to Fritz] Out of the way. Good night, everybody!
* Gru: Hey, hey, hey. Put the brakes on. What's the rush?
* Agnes: I need to get to bed so I can wake up and find a unicorn! Good night!
* Gru: What was that about?
* Edith: Agnes thinks she's gonna find a real unicorn in the woods tomorrow. [chuckling] She's totally freaking out.
* Lucy: [sighs] I feel like someone's got to tell her the truth. Not it!
* Gru: Oh, don't worry. Parenting 101. I got this. [gets out of his chair]
* Agnes: Um, and please bless that when I find the unicorn, he'll want to come home with me and sleep in my room. And that I can ride him to school every day. And he'll use his magical power to help me do math. Amen. [sleeps in bed] Oh. Hi, Gru.
* Gru: Hey. So, big day tomorrow.
* Agnes: Yeah, I'm finally gonna get to see a unicorn. For reals. If I do, can I bring it home? Please?
* Gru: Oh, yeah, sure. Tell you what, every unicorn you find, you can bring it home. I'd better build a big pen, right? But, you know, there's a chance that you might not find one.
* Agnes: Huh?
* Gru: Uh, um... It might not be good unicorn-finding weather. Um, they're tricky to find them. And I don't know, maybe just... maybe unicorns don't really ex... explore that part of the woods. [chuckling]
* Agnes: But the man said a maiden could find one if she was a pure in heart. And I'm pure in heart, right?
* Gru: The purest.
* Agnes: [sighs] Can we stop talking now? [whispers] I need to get to sleep.
* Gru: Good night, sweetie.
* Agnes: Good night, Gru.
* [Gru kisses Agnes]
* Agnes: [singing] Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them.
* Gru: [falls off a ladder] I'm okay. [groaning, turning off the light]
* [cut to State Prison building, with the music of "Freedom" playing, snapping their fingers, with the basketball bouncing at the Minion]
* Man: Hey! Give that back!
* [the Minion kicks the basketball to the man, then they charge at the man]
* Man: Oh, no. Run!
* [the Minions continue dancing, taking a dollar, then taking a gold, then taking a teddy bear, then lifting the dumbbell, then painting a tatoo on the back, walking down, then taking a paper, then cut to the bathroom]
* Man: We've been waiting a long time. Can we... No! No!
* Minion: Yeah! Yeah! [looks at a drain, thinking of a Minion with a bike, putting a band-aid around the leg, then throwing a paper airplane to the floor, sobbing, walking to Dr. Nefario and Gru, taking a plane to Minion, flying around, then fishing at sunset, letting go of the fishing rod, trading a fishing rod to the Minion]
* [cut to the Minions in the cafeteria, looking at mashed potato Gru food, then they all fight, then cut to the girl, doing some exercise, with the music of "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John playing]
* Bratt: [singing along with Olivia Newton-John] Because I'm training for the big day, nobody's gonna stop me, 'cause I'm getting super sassy, super sassy, super sassy!
* Clive: [beeping] What's today's plan, boss?
* Bratt: What's the plan? [chuckling] Silly robot. I'll show you the plan. Time to watch a very special episode of Evil Bratt, to see exactly what I'm gonna do to stupid Tinseltown.
* [cut to Evil Bratt]
* Announcer: This week on Evil Bratt...
* [the people run away, screaming]
* Military Officer: It's a giant Evil Bratt robot! Open fire!
* [they all fire at Evil Bratt]
* Guard: I have him in my sights!
* Young Bratt: Nice try, coppers. Chew on this! [shoots the bubble gum]
* Military Officer: He's shooting his super sticky, self-inflating gum! [gasping] Run!
* [they all run away]
* Young Bratt: Gum one, gum all. [laughing]
* Bratt: [to Clive] "Gum one, gum all." Seriously, how did this show never win an Emmy?
* Young Bratt: [pushes Statue of Liberty] And now, it's your turn to shine, my diamond.
* [the laser fires the building, rising up]
* Young Bratt: Hey, Clive, I guess you could say our plan was out of this world.
* [they both laugh]
* Bratt: [laughing] Now that's entertainment! Come on! Let's make a reality! [blows a bubble gum]
* [cut to Agnes and Edith in a forest]
* Edith: [spooky voice] Here we are, in the dark and creepy Crooked Forest, in search of the mythical unicorn. [normal voice] For some reason. And here she is! The fearless unicorn hunter seeking...
* Agnes: Edith, stop it. You're gonna scare away the unicorn.
* Edith: If somehow we actually find a unicorn, I'm gonna film it and get rich.
* Agnes: [gasping] Look over there!
* Edith: Whoa!
* Agnes: This is it. This is where we're gonna see it. [dumps some candy out] Unicorns, here we come!
* Edith: What's that for?
* Agnes: Bait. Duh. [grabs Edith] Come on! Now all we have to do is wait.
* [cut back to Gru and Dru, drawing a picture]
* Gru: Okay, this is Bratt's lair. It may not look like much, but this place is armed with some of the most high-tech weaponry known to man. It's considered impenetrable.
* Dru: But a piece of cake for us, right, brother?
* Gru: Yes. This is not like stealing lollipops. [presses a button]
* Dru: Whoa! [eats popcorn]
* Gru: His security system can detect an air assault from any direction.
* [the missile fires the man]
* Boy: No! Ouch! No! Ouch! Please, stop! Ouch!
* Gru: So we'll have to approach law and close to the water. Next. Then there are these deadly spikes.
* Boy: Geronimo!
* Gru: Covered with enough poison to blow your mind. Literally.
* Boy: [pops his head] Ouch!
* [the boy laughs]
* Dru: Ah, good to know.
* Gru: So here's the plan. You're the getaway driver. So you'll wait in the boat...
* Dru: Wait, hold on. Wait in the boat? But I want to be in on the actions.
* Gru: Dru, the getaway driver is the most crucial part of any plan. Do you know how hard it is, doing nothing, touching nothing, with all of the adrenaline just coursing your veins, and you must wait? Can I count on you?
* Dru: Yeah. Eh, I guess so.
* Gru: So, I'll climb up to the cube and enter here. Then once I'm inside, find the diamond. I've understimated Bratt before. It's not going to be easy.
* Dru: I think we can handle it. [presses a button] Dad's villain suits! This will make us unstoppable.
* Gru: Oh, ay, Chihuahua. I call the black one! [puts his black suit on] It's go time!
* [they pose their suits, then cut to Freedonia]
* Lucy: [rings a doorbell] Oh, hi!
* Niko: Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with a pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter.
* [the pig oinks]
* Lucy: [laughing] Hey, what now?
* Margo: What's going on?
* Lucy: Uh, remember Little Boots?
* Niko: Hello, my schmoopsie poo. [kisses Margo]
* Margo: Whoa, hey! Uh...
* Lucy: He seems to think you're engaged.
* Margo: [chuckling] What? We're not engaged.
* Lucy: Look, Niko, you seem like a very nice boy with a very nice pig. Uh, but you're not engaged. Okay? It's not happening.
* Niko: I understand. Who was I kidding? A dumpling like me with a goddess like you. But I promise. I will never forget you, Margo. Never.
* Margo: Oh, I'm pretty sure I won't forget you either!
* Lucy: Bye! Bye, Niko. Wow, that was crazy. [chuckling, whooping]
* Margo: That was totally humiliating. Taking a bite of that cheese was the stupidest thing I've ever done. Why did I listen to you?
* Lucy: Right. But it's over now, so...
* [they hear Niko's Mother pounding on the door]
* Lucy: Here we go. Niko... [gasping, looking at Niko's Mother]
* Niko's Mother: You refused my son's engagement pig?
* Lucy: What?
* Niko's Mother: May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions!
* [they both spit out]
* Lucy: All right, lady, that's it. Nobody, nobody curses my daughter. Ya got that? Because if you mess with Margo, you mess with me! And I promise, you do not want to mess with me. Do you understand me?
* Niko's Mother: [muffled] Yes. Yes.
* Lucy: [drops Niko's Mother] Good. Now GET!!!
* [Niko's Mother speaks in Freedonian]
* Lucy: Look, Margo, I think we just need to...
* [Margo hugs Lucy]
* Lucy: Oh! Mm.
* [Margo runs away]
* Lucy: Yes! Oh, I have to tell Gru! [looks at Gru and Dru, speeding in a boat]
* [cut back to Edith and Agnes]
* Edith: [yawning] Can we go back now?
* Agnes: Already? Just a couple more hours.
* Edith: We have to be home before it gets dark.
* Agnes: [sighs] I don't understand. I did exactly what the man said.
* Edith: You mean that one-eyed, scar-faced man that everybody laughed at?
* Agnes: Yeah, it makes no sense.
* Edith: Look, Agnes, maybe we're not...
* [they hear a branch snapping]
* Agnes: Ooh! My whole life has been building this moment.
* [Lucky screams]
* Edith: Um, it's a...
* Agnes: Unicorn! [giggling, walking to Lucky] I can't believe it! [gasping] I'm gonna name you Lucky!
* [Lucky licks Agnes]
* Agnes: Oh, Lucky, stop it!
* Edith: Yeah, I'll let someone else burst your bubble.
* [cut back to Gru and Dru, going to Bratt's lair]
* Dru: Look at us! Two brothers pulling a heist! And that diamond will make us the richest, most powerful villains in the world! Right, brother?
* Gru: Oh! Right. Yep. Yeah.
* [the diamond transitions to Gru and Valerie]
* Valerie: Bravo! Bravissimo! You're amazing! I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I was very rude.
* Lucy: You did it!
* Valerie: And you were always such a gentleman.
* Lucy: You did it! You got our jobs back!
* [the confetti transition back to Gru and Dru]
* Gru: [stammering, clearing throat] What? Oh, yeah, right. Sure. Oh, look! We're here!
* [they continue going to Bratt's lair]
* Gru: I'm going in. Take the wheel.
* Dru: Aw, I still don't see why I can't go with you.
* Gru: Hey, hey! We discused this. Now is not the time to mess with the plan!
* Dru: Fine.
* [Gru presses a button, springing them up to the building, selecting the mode to sticky, walking up the wall, laughing]
* Dru: [lands on a wall] Hey, brother!
* Gru: What? I told you, you are supposed to stay with the boat!
* Dru: Oh, I didn't think you meant that literally.
* Gru: What other way could I have meant it?! All right. Let's move. Just follow my lead.
* Dru: [groans] Got it. [gets off, flipping backward] Help me! Ow, ow, ow! Oh, no! The poison spikes! I'm gonna be impaled! [slides closer to the spike] I'm okay!
* Gru: [sighs] I miss the Minions. Come on! [climbs up]
* Dru: [tries to climb up] Coming! [continues trying to climb up] Coming!
* Gru: [to Dru] Come on.
* [the missles appear at Dru, screaming]
* Gru: It's a scanning device! Quick, camouflage mode.
* [Dru selects the mode to camouflage]
* Gru: Freeze! And close your eyes! And cover your mouth!
* [Dru covers his mouth, scanning Dru, then the missles go away by Dru, selecting the mode to sticky]
* Gru: Okay, take my hand! [grabs Dru, shaking around, walking on sticky legs]
* [they both look at a cube, then Gru presses the buttons]
* Gru: [chuckling] Follow me.
* [Dru presses the buttons, blowing up a big balloon, trying to form a balloon on the back, flying around, then Gru cuts a hole, putting it in]
* Dru: Look out! [goes in by Gru, flying in the vents] Well, you were right. I should have stayed in the boat. My stomach feels all queasy. I shouldn't have eaten that pot pie.
* Gru: [to Dru] Hey, hey, relax. You're gonna be just fine. I got your back. [looks at a maze to the diamond] COme on. This way.
* [cut back to State Prison, with the music of "Doowit" by Pharrel Williams playing]
* Minion: [speaking in Minionese] Go, go, go!
* [the Minion goes in jail, then cut to the man with some fans, taking his hat off, then cut back to the Minions, going out of the bathroom, carrying toilets, putting a bathtub around it, then the camera looks at a laundry]
* Minion: Go, go, go, go, go!
* [the Minion electrocutes a Minion, looking around in a light, then the man puts clothes in laundry, cutting clothes out, sewing it up, carrying toilets and laundry, putting a washing machine on the fan, spinning around, then the Minions climb up on a ladder]
* Minion: Hello. Hello. Hello.
* [the Minion speaks in Minionese, inflating the life life jacket around him, then they all fly, carrying the Minions, then cut back to Gru and Dru]
* Gru: [offscreen, quietly] Looks like it's right above us.
* Dru: [offscreen] Okay, what do I do? Should I wait in the vent?
* Gru: [offscreen] No, come with me.
* [they both climb out, then Dru goes on the bed, then Gru gasps, looking at Bratt sleeping]
* Gru: Dru, get off the bed.
* Bratt: Yes, I'd like to thank the Academy.
* Dru: I can help. What?
* Gru: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
* Dru: I can do it.
* Gru: Don't, don't, don't.
* Bratt: Why, yes. Yes, Molly Ringwald, I will take you to the prom.
* [Dru touches the Simon Says game]
* Bratt: What? Who? Where? What? Who's there?
* Gru: Go, go.
* Bratt: Who is there?!
* [Dru whimpers, then the music begins "99 Luftballons" by Nena playing, sneaking under a bed, stopping the timer, getting out of bed]
* Bratt: [singing] 99 of red balloons. Whoops! Almost forgot!
* [Gru inhales, then Bratt takes a diamond, then Gru rolls out of bed]
* Gru: Shh. Shh. Over here. Stay close.
* [Dru gasps, then Gru looks at the Bratt figures]
* Dru: Wha?
* Gru: Dolls. Looks like Bratt was the only one stupid enough to buy this junk.
* Dru: [grabs a Bratt figure] Oh, I used to have one of these! [mimicks a laser, shooting at the eyes]
* Gru: Hey, shh!
* [Dru follows Gru to the gum place, then the eyes gleam on the Bratt figure]
* Gru: All right. We're getting close. From now on, every move must be made with total precision and purpose.
* Dru: [giggles] Gum.
* Gru: Focus! We're after the diamond, not the bubble gum.
* Dru: Got it! [takes the gum] Mmm, yum.
* Gru: This way.
* Bratt: And, now, to put this where it belongs. [blows his bubble gum]
* Gru: Wha...
* Bratt: Look at it, Clive. It's beautiful!
* [Dru taps Gru]
* Gru: Will you please shut up? He's gonna spot us.
* [the gum spits out of his nose]
* Gru: [grabs the gum] Spit it out! Spit it out! I told you not to touch anything! [takes the gum out of Dru's nose, choking it, then tapping Dru]
* Clive: Intruders! Intruders! Intruders!
* [Gru tries to spit the gum out]
* Bratt: Freeze, dipsticks! Gru? There's two of you now? Then this will be twice as much fun! [laughing]
* [Dru shoots his gum out at Bratt to the screen, then Gru grabs the diamond]
* Bratt: Give me back my diamond! Total lockdown!
* [Gru and Dru run away]
* Bratt: Go get 'em, Bratt Pack!
* [they both continue running away, with the Bratt figures chasing at Gru and Dru, laughing]
* Dru: [whimpering] They're gonna get us! They're gonna get us!
* [they both continue running down, throwing Dru out, then Gru slides by Dru, then Dru looks at the spikes]
* Gru: [tries to select a mode] Oh, no! What does that mean? Are we gonna die? Are we gonna die?!
* Dru: WE'RE GONNA DIE!
* Gru: Dru!
* [they fall closer to the spikes, then Lucy saves them by a helicopter]
* Gru: What?
* Lucy: Hey, guys! Hold on!
* Gru: Lucy!
* [they fly down, with the missles firing at Gru and Dru flying, going back in a helicopter]
* Dru: Thank you, for saving us! [sighs] Look! We got the diamond, and we're going to...
* Gru: Take it to the AVL, and get our jobs back!
* Dru: Wait...
* Lucy: What? Oh, that's amazing! And the best part is, you'll never, ever go behind my back... [cracking Gru, groaning and chuckling] ...ever again. Right, honey bear?
* Gru: Yeah. Yeah, right. Lesson learned.
* [the helicopter flies to the island, landing inside]
* Lucy: I'll get the girls and start packing and tell 'em the good news! Ah... [singing] We're getting our jobs back, yeah.
* Gru: Yes, yes! Go tell the girls. Dru...
* Dru: No! No way! We can't give the diamond back!
* Gru: [grunts] I have to.
* Dru: No, you don't!
* Gru: Yes, I do.
* Dru: Give it!
* Gru: [takes the diamond] No!
* Dru: Give it! [kicks Gru]
* Gru: Ow! What is wrong with you?
* Dru: What is wrong with you?!
* Gru: You kicked me!
* Dru: You lied to me!
* Gru: Hey, I would have told you the truth. But you're too much of a wimp to handle it! That's it. I'm out of here.
* Dru: We have no right to take that! We stole it together!
* Gru: Together? [scoffs] You got to be kidding me. You did nothing but screw up the whole time. I got this in spite of you.
* Dru: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I didn't get fired from my job like a total loser!
* Gru: At least I had a job! What have you accomplished that was so great? I'll tell you what! NOTHING! No wonder Dad thought you were such a failure.
* Dru: WE ARE NO LONGER BROTHERS! 
* Gru: THAT'S FINE WITH ME!
* [Gru leaves; Dru growls in anger; then he slumps in sadness and heartbreak; then cut to the Minions, singing "99 Bottles of Beer" in Minionese, playing his ukulele, then they all sing in Minionese, then cut back to Gru]
* Agnes: [laughing] Gru! I found a unicorn! [hums to Lucky] My life is complete!
* Gru: [sighs] Honey, that's not actually a unicorn.
* Agnes: Huh? But he has one horn.
* Gru: I'm sorry, sweetie, but he's just a goat. Life is just like that sometimes. We're hoping for a unicorn, and we get a goat.
* Agnes: Well, you know what? Lucky is the best goat in the whole wide world! Look at that face! I just want to squeeze it!
Lucy: Hoo-hoo! [scatting] Whoo! I'll take this. [takes a diamond] You've been a bad boy, Gru. Can you get the rest of the suitcases? Come on, girls. Let's go! [singing] Let's get physical, physical!
[Cut to outside of Dru's Mansion. Lucy is singing "Physical" indistinctly while she, Margo, Edith, and Agnes enter the plane.]
Lucy: Change of plans, girls. Instead of going home... Eyebrows! Ow! [grunts and turns into Balthazar Bratt in disguise!]
Bratt: ...we're going to Hollywood! [laughing as the girls gasp] Now, that's what I call acting. [chuckling] Let's go, Clive! We've got a giant robot waiting! [Clive laughs]
[Cut to Gru at Dru's Mansion who is about to leave out the door when he suddenly hears banging from the closet]
Gru: Huh? [opens the door and gasps] Lucy? [finds the real Lucy tied up and stuffed in the closet] But... [removes her gag]
Lucy: Bratt! He took the girls!
Gru: What?! No! [looks at a plane]
[cut to Dru who is drowning his misery in ice cream]
Gru: Dru! Dru!
Dru: Go away! I don't want to talk to you.
Gru: Bratt has the girls!
[Dru gasps in shock. Cut to Cut to Gru, Dru and Lucy flying on their hovercraft]
Gru: Listen, brother, what about what I said...
Dru: No, I'm the one.
Gru: But I shouldn't have... I'm... I'm sorry.
Dru: Oh, I'm so sorry, Gru.
Lucy: Aw. Ooh, look out!
Gru: What is that?
[the Minions look at Gru, Dru, and Lucy]
Minion: Hey. Hey.
Mel: Uh, huh?
Minion: Caramba! Caramba! Caramba!
[the Minions go right, then the rocket goes left]
* Gru: Mel?
* Minion: Huh? Gru!
* [the rocket continues flying away, then the Minions continue riding away]
* Minion: Gru! Gru!
* [cut to the beach, with the people walking down, then the Bratt mecha appears, with the people running away, screaming]
* Bratt: [laughing] Hello, Hollywood! [through speakers] I'm back and bigger than ever.
* Agnes: [whimpering] Whoa! I'm scared!
* Celebrity: Thank you. Thank you so... Oh.
* [the people continue running away, screaming, then the Bratt mecha continues walking]
* Celebrity: No! No, you can't leave me here! I'm famous!
* Bratt: [laughing] Clive, arm the cannons.
* [the bubble gum shooters appear from the shoulders]
* Bratt: [through speakers] Chew on this! [shoots bubble gum at everything, with the people continue running away, screaming, shooting everything]
* Man: Why?!
* [the woman screams]
* Edith: Hey, mullet head! Let us out!
* Bratt: Oh, don't worry, girls. I've prepared a front row seat for you.
* [the girls look down at the people, Bratt’s robot hand takes the girls to a tall building and drops on the ledge]
* Bratt: [through speakers] Once again, I win, and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls.
* [they all gasp, looking at the bubble gums, then the rocket flies down to Hollywood]
* Gru: What in the heck?
* Lucy: Oh! I hope the girls are okay.
* Dru: Bratt! Bratt at 9:00. No! 3:00! He's on the left! [gasps] No! I've seen this episode! He's gonna bubble gum the whole city and send it up to space!
* Lucy: Hurry!
* [the Bratt mecha kicks the Hollywood logo, saying, "HOL"]
* Bratt: Oh, this is it! This is it! Lights! Camera! Laser! [shoots a laser, tracing to the people, then Agnes screams, electrocuting the "RECORDS" sign]
* Lucy: [spots at Agnes, Margo, Edith, and Lucky] Look! I've got the girls. You two, go take care of Bratt.
* Gru: Wait! What are you doing?
* [Lucy hops on the bubble gum, running to Agnes, Margo, Edith, and Lucky]
* Margo: Look, you guys! It's Lucy!
* Edith: Lucy, over here! Help! Help us!
* Lucy: Mama's comin', girls.
* Edith: Lucy! Lucy!
* Margo: We're up here! Lucy!
* Bratt: Look at that laser go. I love it when a plan comes together.
* Clive: [screams] It's Gru!
* [the missles appear from a rocket]
* Gru: Get ready, Bratt. You're about to be blasted back to the 80's!
* [the missles fire at the Bratt mecha, sliding down]
* Dru: Oh-ho! We got him!
* [the Bratt mecha gets up]
* Dru: Oh, no!
* Gru: Don't worry. There's more where that came from.
* Bratt: It'll take more than that to stop me.
* [Clive beeps]
* Bratt: Bratt Pack, go get that barf bag.
* [Clive laughs, then the Bratt figures fly to Gru and Dru, laughing, taking the missles out again]
* Gru: Oh, incoming!
* [the Bratt mechas continue attacking Gru and Dru]
* Dru: You little...
* Gru: Get away! Get out of here!
* [the Bratt figures fly to the rocket, putting fire on it]
* Gru: Quick, jump!
* [they both jump out of the rocket]
* Bratt: Bonus! Did you see that, Clive? All gone.
* [Clive beeps]
* Bratt: Buh-bye, Wonder Twins.
* [Gru flies to a tree, landing on the ground, then Dru selects the mode to sticky, going on the Bratt mecha, climbing up, then cut to the Minions]
* Minion: Whoa. Ooh-la-la. [speaks in Minionese]
* [the bubble gum continues blowing up a big bubble, tilting down the building as the girls slide off leaving them all hanging onto Margo on the edge]
* Agnes: Help!
* Margo: Hang on!
* Lucy: [grabs a hook, swinging to the girls] Hang on, girls! I got you!
* Margo: I can't! [Lucy wraps some bubblegum on her arm] I'm slipping!
* [the girls fall down]
* Lucy: No! [dives off of the building and catches the girls mid-air] Gotcha! [tugs on the bubblegum to soften the landing]
* Margo: Oh, thank you, Lucy!
* Lucy: Let's go! We're not safe yet.
* [They run off as the remains of the building collapse]
* Minion: Minions! [speakes in Minionese] Yippee ki-yay. [speaks in Minionese]
* [they all cheer, then they all go down, pulling a lever, releasing the Minions, trying to pop the bubble gum, then the laser continues firing closer to Gru]
* Bratt: [looks at Gru] Ooh, look at what we have here. Sorry, Gru. This is going to be a total burn!
* [the laser continues firing at Gru]
* Dru: [climbs up, drawing a hole] Oh, no! No. No, no, no, no, no, no! [looks at the chip electric]
* Bratt: I've been a bad boy!
* [the laser continues getting closer to Gru, then Dru climbs up, then the laser continues getting closer to Gru]
* Dru: Nobody messes with my brother!
* [the laser continues getting closer to Gru, screaming, then Dru punches the electric chip, turning off the laser]
* Bratt: What? What's happening?! No!
* [the mecha continues electrocuting, then Dru takes it out from the electric chip, then the mecha lays down]
* Gru: DRU! Hold on! I'm coming. [looks at an enraged Bratt who is holding his keytar]
* Bratt: You've ruined everything! And now, it's time to die. Any last words, Gru?
* Gru: You know what? I got two words for you. Dance fight.
* [the music begins "Into the Groove" by Madonna playing]
* Bratt: Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. I am going to enjoy this.
* [Gru dances with Bratt, trying to punch him, laughing, throwing Gru on the mecha, then Bratt tries to attack Gru, punching Gru, putting a hole in it]
* Gru: Enough! [punches Bratt] My turn! [tries to attack Bratt, going up the building, grabbing the hair, ripping it apart, then they continue dancing] Uh-oh. [spins Bratt]
* Bratt: [kicks Gru then the music stops] Game over! [laughing, trying to look for his piano guitar]
* Gru: [to Bratt, who has got Bratt's keytar] Is this what you're looking for?
* Bratt: No!
* [Gru plays "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits to Bratt, flying away]
* Bratt: No! Ow! No! [flies by a pole, with the clothes flying away, yelling, covering in gum] No!
* [Gru puts his piano guitar down]
* Bratt: Curse you, Gru! [hits the sign] Curse you!
* [the Minions try to pop a bubble gum, blowing the dynamite, putting fire back on]
* Gru: [tries to look for Dru] Dru? Dru?
* Dru: [runs on Gru, grabbing him] Hey! We did it!
* Gru: Yes, we did, brother.
* Lucy: Gru!
* Edith: Uncle Dru!
* Agnes: Gru!
* Margo: Edith!
* Gru: Girls!
* [Lucky bleats, then they look at the bubble gum, starting to pop, deflating it, then the Minions fall down, landing on Gru]
* Mel: Gru!
* Gru: Hey, Mel, welcome back.
[the Minions cheer, then cut at night, with the music of "There's Something Special" by Pharrel Williams playing, sleeping in their beds, then Lucy looks around at the girls, walking to Agnes, Kyle, and Lucky, putting a blanket around her]
Agnes: Love you, Mom.
Lucy: [closes a door] I'm a mom. [gasping] I'm a mom! Ah! [laughs softly]
[cut to the Minions playing pillow fight]
Minion: Toga!
[they fight their pillows]
Lucy: Boys, time for bed. We're back at work in the mroning.
Gru: I'm coming, sweetie!
Dru: Good night, Lucy. See you tomorrow, brother.
Gru: Hey, I'm back on the job. So no villainy tonight, huh? Got it??
Dru: I make no promises. Love you!
Gru: Uh-huh. Right. [to Dru] I love you, too.
Minions: Aw...
Gru: [groaning] All right, every... Go. Go. Go to bed. [turns off the light, closing the door]
Dru: [gets out of bed] Hey. Guys, come on! Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[the Minions grab their weapons, starting the vehicles]
Gru: What is happening?
Lucy: It's coming from outside!
Gru: Hey! I thought we said no more villainy!
Dru: Sorry, brother. Somebody's got to keep the family tradition alive. Right?
[the minions cheer, flying away]
Lucy: [laughing] Oh, let's get him.
[last lines]
Gru: Ah, honey, he's my brother. We'll give him a five-minute start. [laughing]
[Dru laughs, then fade to black]
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