Windmills Cause Cancer

is the fifth episode of season one of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premeried on July 29, 2020. 
==Plot==
On one of the most important topics of the race — climate change — Bikini Bottom Public Access brings to you a town hall featuring all candidates for an in-depth discussion of the most critical issue of our time.
==Transcript==
Mr. Chillyrooster: Salutations folks. Today we shall be hosting a climate town hall, featuring presidential candidates from the Republican, Democratic, and Libertarian parties. Which one of these candidates will win? It could affect the future of the planet. First up, incumbent president Donald Trump!
[Donald Trump walks onstage]
Donald Trump: What’s up losers?
[crowd cheers “Trump Duck! Trump Duck! Trump Duck!”]
Mr. Chillyrooster: President Trump, with scientists claiming we have only 12 years to prevent immeasurable harm from being done to the ocean, climate change is one of the most pressing issues of our time. What is your administration doing to handle this crisis?
Mr. Trump: Nothing.
Mr. Chillyrooster: I’m sorry, nothing?
Mr. Trump: Yep. Climate change is a hoax.
Mr. Chillyrooster: But Mr. President, what about all the copious amount of data that conclusively show-
Mr. Trump: Listen. Chillycock. If climate change is so real, why are you so chilly?
Mr. Chillyrooster: It’s Chillyrooster.
Mr. Trump: Look. Either way, you’re chilly. If global warming were real you’d be Warmcock. Not Chillycock.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sir, once again, my name’s not-
Mr. Trump: Case closed!
Mr: Chillyrooster: Whatever. And now, we go to the audience. First up, Sandy Cheeks, scientist.
Sandy: This is ridiculous! You call yourself a leader?! We needed to get off fossil fuel yesterday, and you’re only increasing our dependence on them! Why, a blasted buffoon like you could never get elected in Texas!
Mr. Trump: Look, we need electricity, alright. Without fossil fuel, how am I supposed to travel to get golden showers?
Sandy: We could use renewables. Solar, wind-
Mr. Trump: Pft. Solar. What happens when it’s nighttime? Bet you didn’t think of that, did you, squirrel? And wind? That kills all the birds. All the beautiful, beautiful birds - slaughtered by those merciless windmills. Plus they cause cancer.
[cut to Joe Biden]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Former Vice President Biden, your fellow contender for the Democratic nomination, Mr. R’Onion, claims that your climate change plan doesn’t go far enough. What do you say to him and those with similar concerns?
Mr. Biden: Listen. I served as vice president under Obama. Under that administration, we saw a huge boom in oil and gas drilling. So I think my record speaks for itself.
[cut to Bernie Sanders]
Mr. Sanders: What we really need to do is make solar panels free.
Mr. Chillyrooster: That sounds like a pretty expensive proposal. How are you going to pay for it?
Mr. Sanders: You know what, just because you asked, you can be the one that pays for it.
[cut to Mr. R’Onion]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. R’Onion, you’ve made it clear that as a strident environmentalist climate change is your top issue. What are your plans?
Mr. R’Onion: Well as you said to the president, we only have 12 years left to do something about climate change. We’re falling incredibly behind. Thanks to him, Bikini Bottom is the only nation in the entire ocean not in the Paris Climate Accords. It’s unbelievable. We can’t act like this.
We need a president that’s going to take charge on this issue! That’s why I pledge on my FIRST day in office to IMMEDIATELY ban ALL fossil fuel! And then we’ll send fossil fuel executives to Guantanamo Bay.
Mr. Chillyrooster: And now we have a question from Tom, coal miner.
Tom: Banning fossil fuels would put me and many others out of work. What is your plan for those that will be unemployed as a result of your environmental policies?
Mr. R’Onion: Fret not, my friend. As part of my plan to send fossil fuel executives to Guantanamo Bay, we’ll grant all displaced workers jobs waterboarding them.
Tom: Cool! I’ve always wanted to waterboard someone.
[cut to Travis Pineapple]
Mr. Pineapple: You know, I think in order to solve this problem, we have to be willing to admit our own complicity in it. And we’re going to have to make sacrifices. What those scraficies may vary person by person. Maybe it’s taking shorter showers. Perhaps it’s traveling less. For me, it’s giving up my extremely good looks. The sheer hotness of myself is just far too much for the panet to take. It’s melting the ice glaciers. So I promise, if I am elected, to use my presidential salary to get a plastic surgery to make me far less attractive.
[cut to Mr. G]
Mr. G: My opponents all want to talk about climate change. But what they don’t want to talk about is overpopulation. You can’t solve climate change until you solve overpopulation. That’s why if elected president I will immediately sign an executive order on my first day prohibiting all new recreation. And I’ll also kill off half the population.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Any questions from the audience?
Sandals: [raises hand] Uh yeah...Will I be one of the people killed?
Mr. G: Yep.
[cut to Mr. Renaud]
Mr. Renaud: There should be no environmental regulations at all.
Mr. Chillyrooster: But sir, what about the planet?
Mr. Renaud: Look. If you’re able to rape a child, you should be able to rape the planet.
Mr. Chillyrooster: But you’re not able to rape a child.
Mr. Renaud: You will be under a Renaud Administration!
[cut to to Vermin Supreme]
Vermin Supreme: If elected, I will direct copious amounts of funding into time travel research. Once we figure out how to time travel, we shall prevent climate change from ever beginning in the first place.
[cut to Karen]
Karen: We’re not going to solve climate change with more government action. In fact, the #1 polluter is the government. If you want to reduce pollution, reduce government.
[cut to Mr. Chillyrooster]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Welp, we heard from a wide spectrum of voices tonight on the pressing issue of climate change. Hopefully we could shed some light on these candidates to help primary voters make their choice in the coming weeks. As always, thanks for tuning in!
==Trivia==
*This is the first episode to have only one writer. 
*It is revealed that Vermin Supreme and Karen are running for the Libertarian nomination as well.
Category:Episodes
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020
Category:Banana Studios
Category:Pineapple Entertainment
Category:Kingshire TV
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom First Season
Category:Town Halls
Category:2020s