Your Horoscope

*Aries (March 21 – April 19) – You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh!
*Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you today. C’est la vie, non?
*Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it would be fun to have.
*Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
*Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Today you will uncover a conspiracy involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
*Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Ever had one of those times when you ask someone, “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say, “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
*Libra (September 22 – October 22) – You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!”
*Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
*Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
*Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
*Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) – You’ve been yodeling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you’ve been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
*Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Category:Newspaper Humor