Pilot but not pilot as in flying pilot, pilot as in first episode of the series and by series i obviously mean pampers in the house

Pilot but not pilot as in flying pilot, pilot as in first episode of the series and by series i obviously mean pampers in the house is the first episode of Pampers in the House.
== Transcript ==
[The camera flies across the ocean past singing claims, stinging jellyfish and coral reefs over to the bustling town of Bikini Bottom. The camera keeps flying further away, far past the goo of Goo Lagoon over to a small island known as Original Island. Cut to a shot of the Original Island town hall, November 8 2020, and then cut to the inside which is bustling with citizens awaiting the big news.]
Pampers: And the first president of Original Island is...
[Pampers opens an envelope. The candidates look nervous. Pampers reads the piece of paper with the winner on.]
Pampers: ...me!  
Mr. Craps: WHAT?!  
SpongeCicle: Huh, congrats.  
Mr. Craps: Who votes for the title character?! This is an outrage! I want a recount!  
Huggies: (sigh) Good game, Pampers.  
Pampers: I'd like to thank my mom, and my therapist, and my pet snail Curry an-  
Tennis: I WON THIS ELECTION BY A LOT!  
Not Squidward: I mean you didn't, otherwise-  
Tennis: LIES! LIES! LIES! I say we execute him before he can begin his reign of terror!  
Pampers: -and my toilet seat, and my toilet plunger, and my- (he notices Tennis angrily charging towards him) uh-oh. 
[Cut to Pampers walking out of the hospital with a cast around his left arm. SpongeCicle is beside him.]
SpongeCicle: Well, this sucks.
Pampers: What do you mean? I'm president now! This is the best day of my life!
SpongeCicle: I was talking about your arm.
Pampers: Oh, hey. I'm a starfish, this thing just grows back. (he rips the cast off and waves his arm at SpongeCicle) See?
SpongeCicle: Nice! So what do you want to do now that you're president, (smirks) President Pampers?
Pampers: I have a few ideas, Vice-President SpongeCicle…
[Pampers walks off.]
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Establishing shot of the Black House. Cut to Pampers walking down one of the large hallways looking smug. SpongeCicle and another fish in a black suit follow.]
SpongeCicle: Wow, I get to be vice-president?!
Pampers: Yeah, uh, sure, I can't carry my ego all by myself.
SpongeCicle: Thanks bud!
Pampers: Whatever. Servant, show me to my desk so I can start making some laws.
Fish: (false laugh) Oh, that's a funny one Mr. President, but I don't really think that's how it works…
Pampers: Of course it does! I've been president before, you know.
SpongeCicle: Yeah, in Pampers: The Series! But that was just a dumb sexually degenerate TV show, this is real life!
Pampers: Oh SpongeCicle, (pats him on the head) you're so naive…
[The three enter Pampers' main office.]
Pampers: Aha! Here we are!
Fish: Here we are indeed. This office is mainly used for photos with spelling bee winners and for the Wikipedia page really, but feel free to-
Pampers: Oh boy, a spinny chair!
[Pampers jumps over the desk and onto the spinny chair, breaking it.]
Pampers: We can fix that, right?
Fish: (sigh) I'll get someone on i-
[Pampers notices several red buttons on the desk.]
Pampers: Oh boy, buttons!
Fish: Pampers, no! Those are the-
[Pampers presses one of the buttons. Cut to Petoria.]
President Petah: My God, I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortur- 
[He notices a missile heading towards the house.]
President Petah: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
[Cut back to the Black House.]
Pampers: Whoops. (chuckles) I guess we just lost an ally today! You should be more careful where you leave the buttons lying around! Remove at once.
Fish: (sigh) Of course, Mr. President. My apologies.
[The fish notices a glass of water on a table next to him and starts drinking.]
Pampers: Now, let's get down to business, shall we? I want it illegal to have pineapple on pizza.
[The fish spits out their drink.]
Fish: (laughs) Hey, that's a good one!
Pampers: Do you think I'm joking?
Fish: Wh-
Pampers: Do you see me chuckling? Is there a grin on my face? Unnamed Assistant, I am dead serious here. I want pineapple on pizza outlawed.
SpongeCicle: Pampers, I don't think you can do that.
Pampers: Course I can, I'm president! 
SpongeCicle: Yeah but there's probably a whole system to it and-
Pampers: Then abolish the system. 
Fish: Sir, I don't think you understand here. We're a democracy, not a dictatorship, or at least we like to think we aren't.
Pampers: Democracy, more like demo-crappy, amirite?!
SpongeCicle: Pampers, you really aren't getting this. This isn't how it works. And I'm vice-president, don't I have a say in-
Pampers: Yeah fuck off SpongeCicle. Now hurry along Unnamed Assistant, we must spread the word to our citizens!
Fish: Ugh, of course sir. Sorry, sir.
[The fish leans over to SpongeCicle and whispers.]
Fish: Did people really vote for this guy?
SpongeCicle: Apparently. To be fair though the other candidates were an evil scientist, a music-hating penguin, and a red SpongeBob who is significantly less known than the guy.
Fish: My therapy session tonight is gonna be interesting.
[We see a montage of several similar looking fish in black suits putting up billboards and posters all over town declaring pineapple on pizza illegal. More and more citizens gradually approach the posters. Some cheer and some scream. Cut to the Krusty Krack. Not Squidward is in his booth on his phone vaguely paying attention to the restaurant's TV. A news reporter is interviewing a victim of missile abuse who is decorated in bandages.]
President Petah: (on TV) It just came from the sky, without any warning or anything, and just blew up the entire country!
[Cut back to the newsroom, Pitch Morgan is on the front desk.]
Pitch: Sorry Petah for interrupting your appeal, but something has just come in. Newly elected Original Island president Pampers Sutcliffe-Diapera hasn't been president for even a whole episode yet but has already introduced new laws banning pineapple on pizza across the island.
Not Squidward: WHAT?!!!!
Tennis: This is a national disgrace. Get it restored, please.
[The restaurant's customers murmur amongst themselves. Mr. Crack rushes out from his office.]
Mr. Crack: What's all the commotion about? I'm trying to count me money!
Not Squidward: Mr. Crack, it's terrible! They've just banned pineapple on pizza!!!!
Mr. Crack: They've banned pineapple on pizza?! That's great, Mr. Not Squidward!! I can't believe people liked that stuff.
Not Squidward: But Mr. Crack! I like that stuff! What am I supposed to put on my pizza now?
Mr. Crack: If you're that desperate I guess I know a guy down the alleyways.
Not Squidward: Oh cool, thanks, that's actually really nice of- wait, alleyways?!
[The entrance to the restaurant suddenly blows up. A SWAT team dressed in pizza costumes rush in and point guns at Mr. Crack and Not Squidward.]
SWAT Leader: THIS IS A RAID! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
[Everyone in the restaurant obliges. A group of SWAT members rush into the kitchen.]
Mr. Crack: MR. NOT SQUIDWARD!!!! I demand the meaning of this!
Not Squidward: Why has everything got to be my fault?!
Mr. Crack: (rolls eyes) Ugh, scary police guy! I demand the meaning of this!
[The SWAT leader shoots the menu down hanging from the ceiling. Mr. Crack flinches and the leader points to pineapple pizza on the menu with his gun.]
SWAT Leader: This is the meaning of this.
Mr. Crack: What?! This is ridiculous! You can't just storm into me restaurant and bust down the door all because we serve pineapple pizza!
SWAT Leader: We can, and we just did. Sorry, presidential orders.
Mr. Crack: Ugh!
[Several SWAT members rush out from the kitchen carrying Mr. Crack's younger brother Mr. Cocktail with them, who is in handcuffs.]
Mr. Cocktail: MISTA CRACK!!!!!11!
Mr. Crack: Mr. Cocktail! No!
SWAT Leader: Thanks for the afternoon service! Have a nice rest of the day!
[The SWAT team runs off. Everyone stares in silence for a few seconds.]
Not Squidward: All that just because we serve pineapple pizza?!
Customer: Wait, that's what this is about?! Pineapple pizza?! Ugh, I can't stand the thing.
Customer 2: Wait, you actually like that shit?! Pffft, how pathetic.
Customer: Not as pathetic as your uncultured taste buds.
Customer 2: Hey! I'll have you know my taste buds are the most refined on the island! I used to judge cooking shows in the 90's!
Customer: Used to'".
Customer 2: Why you little-
[The second customer picks up his glass and throws it at the first. It misses and almost hits a third customer near the window.]
Customer 3: Hey! You almost hit my baby!
Customer 2: Well you almost hit my… feelings.
Customer 4: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[The customers begin throwing furniture, food, bags, etc. across the room at eachother. Mr. Crack falls to the floor in tears.]
Mr. Crack: No! This is terrible! They destroyed me restaurant and locked up me own brother! And now me customers are fighting! (wails)
Not Squidward: Aw, come on Mr. Crack, it's not all bad… actually yeah, it is all bad, but it's not the end of the wor… (sigh) yeah, okay, this is really shitty of Pampers on his first day of office. We should go over to the Black House and demand the law changed back! If we can't have pineapple on pizza, what's the point to any of this?!
Mr. Crack: I disagree with that last part, Mr. Not Squidward, but I otherwise completely agree. Taking me brother is just ridiculous! We need to put an end to this!
Not Squidward: Right!
Mr. Crack: Right!
Not Squidward: Right!
Mr. Crack: Right! Why aren't we going anywhere?!
Not Squidward: I don't know! Let's pull a DaBaby and let's goooo!
Mr. Crack: Okay!
[The two run off amidst the fighting. Cut to Pampers in his office on a brand new spinny chair staring intently at a banana while watching TV.]
Pitch: (on TV) I- uh, yeah, sorry for interrupting your scheduled programming once again but President Pampers has, uh, (sigh) made another new law. This time he's… is that cue card right? Okay then, this time he's banned manga because "reading from right to left is stupid"... alright then. While we're here we might as well update you on the-
[A rock flies through the window and hits Pitch in the face. We see footage of Original Island downtown, which looks like it's in the middle of an apocalypse with people still fighting, buildings burning, etc.]
Pitch: (in pain) Aagh! While we're here might as well update you on the pineapple pizza riots that are still happening downtown!
[Cut back to the studio.]
Pitch: This is Pitch Morgan in severe pain, and that was your breaking news.
Pampers: Heh. Pitch Morgan, more like-
[SpongeCicle bursts through the door.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers!
Pampers: Ah, vice-president SpongeCicle! How are ya?
SpongeCicle: Pampers, we need to talk.
Pampers: About what? How great I'm doing on my first day?
SpongeCicle: Actually… it's about how bad you're doing on your first day.
Pampers: How bad I'm doing? What do you mean?
SpongeCicle: People are rioting all over town! All because of the laws you've been making!
Pampers: Pffft, so there are a few riots here and there, big deal. These happen all the time in other countries. You've played Fortnite, right?
SpongeCicle: ...yeah?
Pampers: Cool, I knew you'd understand. People just need to understand that manga is too weeb-y for our culture. They'll eventually come through.
SpongeCicle: Oh, people have come through alright.
[Pan over to Mr. Crack, Not Squidward, Huggies and The Flying Pringle standing by the office entrance.]
SpongeCicle: Through the doors and into the building.
Pampers: ...oh.
[The group angrily approaches Pampers.]
Pampers: Heh, uh, hi guys! What are- uh, what are you all doing here? My birthday party isn't for a while yet.
Not Squidward: Pampers, I mean this with all due respect but… ARE YOU FUCKING MENTALLY INSANE!!!! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD MAKE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA AGAINST THE LAW?!!!!!
Pampers: This one apparently.
Huggies: Have you not seen the riots out there caused by your selfishness?
Pampers: Me? I'm offended, Huggies. I haven't done anything to start any riots, these people just can't accept that pineapple should not be allowed on pizza.
Mr. Crack: Yes, it shouldn't, but it doesn't mean you can just go and prosecute my own brother because of it!!!
Pampers: Mr. Cocktail was prostituted? 
Huggies: Prosecuted, Pampers.
Pampers: That's what I said.
Mr. Crack: We've been low on staff at The Krusty Krack recently, so he was helping me out in the kitchen, and I guess it just so happened that the SWAT team walked in on him making, you guessed it, pineapple pizza.
Pampers: SWAT team? (smirks) That's a little harsh just because someone was making pineapple pizza.
Mr. Crack: MY POINT EXACTLY! I knew I'd be able to talk some sense into you!
Pampers: Gentlemen, thank you for coming to see me today and I appreciate the appeal. I'll make sure to properly thank you before you are all executed.
Huggies: EXECUTED?!
Not Squidward: Oh come on, what the fuck man?!
Pampers: I'm sorry Squidward, but I've made my decision.
Not Squidward: For the last time I'm Not Squidward! First name Not, last name Squidward.
Pampers: Yeah, whatever you say Squidward. You're all questioning the law, you're all disobeying your leader. You would do the same if you were president, but you're not, so boo-hoo.
Flying Pringle: (sigh) Pampers-
Pampers: That's President Pampers.
Flying Pringle: Ugh, President Pampers?
Pampers: Yes?
Flying Pringle: Look… I'm a simple man. I'm a pringle and I fly, I'm The Flying Pringle, it's in me name, you know? And I'm also a ghost, and I've seen a lot of things during my time in the ocean. Like, a lot of things, you genuinely wouldn't believe me if I told you. Take my ex-husband for example, I swear to Neptune he has the biggest-
Huggies: Okay, too much information buddy.
Flying Pringle: Oh, uh, sorry. What was I babbling on about again? Oh yeah, I've seen a lot of things during my life, enough to know that what you are doing right here, Pampers, is wrong.
Pampers: It's wrong?
Flying Pringle: Yes, like genuinely you're just being an entitled jerk here right now.
Pampers: I'm an entitled jerk?
Flying Pringle: Yes, Pampers. And unless you start turning things around soon… well, the people of this island won't be very happy and they will want you gone.
Pampers: The people on this island don't like me?
Flying Pringle: Yes, Pampers, that's what I've been trying to say!
Pampers: But… how can they not like me? I banned pineapple on pizza for crying out loud! Who likes pineapple on pizza?
Not Squidward: Ahem.
Pampers: Squidward?
Not Squidward: That's Not Squidward!
SpongeCicle: Pampers, the things you're making illegal aren't moral issues like whether or not you're allowed to kill someone or whether or not you should have to pay to watch TV, you shouldn't by the way it's stupid, the things you're making illegal are things you personally don't like, like manga.
Pampers: But manga's stupid! And anime too! And don't even get me started on k-pop!
Huggies: K-pop's Korean, not Japanese.
Pampers: Same country. 
SpongeCicle: I think what The Flying Pringle means is that these are all opinions, and people are getting angry because you're banning things they enjoy.
Pampers: That never stopped Kim Jong-un.
Mr. Crack: Yeah but Kim Jong-un's… Kim Jong-un.
[Pause.]
Mr. Crack: Look, the point is you need to reverse the laws you made today and release my brother or things are going to get out of hand.
Pampers: I still don't understand.
Not Squidward: Just remove the new laws before someone removes you.
Pampers: Oh, okay. Why didn't you say so? I'll get Unnamed Assistant on it right away.
Huggies: That's… actually really great actually.
SpongeCicle: Yeah, nice one Pampers.
Flying Pringle: We might need to do something one step up to stop riots though.
Pampers: What do you mean?
[Cut to Pampers in his office later, facing a video camera held by SpongeCicle.]
Pampers: Is it on?
SpongeCicle: I think so.
Pampers: Nice. Hey all, Pampers here, and uh… yeah I kinda fucked up earlier. Sorry about that but I will make sure it probably won't happen again. I, uh… all the laws introduced have been reversed and… yeah, hopefully, this here will make it up to you.
[The unnamed assistant enters and places a plate of pineapple pizza on the desk.]
Pampers: What the hell is this?
Fish: Your pineapple pizza, sir.
Pampers: I really have to eat this?
SpongeCicle: Calm down, we're live!
Pampers: Ugh… fine.
[He picks up a slice of pizza and slowly edges it towards his tongue. Cut to Pampers in a hospital bed.]
Pampers: At least my political opponents are happy.
[Credits.]
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