Klaus (film)/Transcript

Letters. You don’t really write many these days, do you? But I bet there’s one you never forget. Send it off to a certain plump guy in a red suit and, provided you’ve kept your act together more or less, he’ll drop off a toy or two. And yet, no one seems to wonder how the whole thing got started in the first place. This is a story about letters, and it began… with this one.
…74, 75, 76… 77, 78, 79, 80!
Drill Sergeant, sir! All the way from the top! Dispatch for one of your cadets! It’s for him, sir.
Cadet Johanssen!
Mmm-mmm-mmm! Stop. Don’t tell me. Let me try to guess. I give up. Who are you? Sarge! Drill Sarge! Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink? An espresso? A cappuccino?
Aren’t you supposed to be in equestrian training?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. No worries. I’ve got someone covering for me.
Dispatch from the Postmaster General’s Office!
What? Sarge, is that for real? Don’t tease me now. Here, hold these. Ah, well, I was expecting this a little bit sooner, but, yup, summoned to the dragon’s lair. Go ahead and cancel the Drill Sergeant’s espresso, actually. And, uh, here, why don’t you finish mine? I’m not gonna be needing it anymore…and I’m gonna take one last look around the old place so I can forget it. Mmm-hmm. Got it. All right, let’s go.
----Nine months. It’s been nine months since I used every ounce of my influence to get you into the Royal Postal Academy. Actually, nine months and six days, but who’s counting?
What? No croutons? Oh, man, come on!
Shall we take account of your progress then?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Definitely.
Sergeant.
Yes, sir! Sorting and filing: total failure.
Carrier pigeon care and handling… abysmal performance.
Transport of fragile merchandise… worst on record.
Well, there you have it. But, hey, we gave it the old college try, didn’t we? Guess I’ll just go pack up and head home then. Too bad. Darn, oh, darn.
Stay right where you are.
No, Dad! You’re right. When will I grow up? When will I stop squandering all these opportunities, which you so kindly forced me into, and become my own man? I guess I must really hanker down and rethink my priorities. All wrapped up in my silk sheets with some caviar and a sherry… You still buy the same brand, right?
You think I’m just going to watch you purposely fail and then let you waltz right back to a privileged life void of any purpose or meaning?
Well, yeah. Where else would I…
Congratulations. You are now a postman.
Come again?
You are to establish a working postal office in… Smeerensburg. You’ve got one year.
What? A year? Where? Smeerensburg? What is… What’s happening right now? Dad?
Six thousand letters will suffice. Stamped by your own hand. And listen carefully, Jesper. If you fail to get those letters, you’re cut off. No more fancy apartments, stagecoach, clothes, galas… All gone. You can look forward to a cozy spot in the gutter.
But…
Six thousand letters, one year. You can’t cheat, bribe or squirm your way out of this one.
Dad! Come on! It’s me. Let’s talk about this, man. It’s your son, Jesper! Little Jespie! Remember, I… “Daddy, can I help you mail the letters? Can I help you put the medals in the letters and put them in a stamp with the…”
W-w-wait! Do you know how long it took to press this uniform? I don’t either, but it took somebody hours. Hello? Burghard! Finally, a friendly face. Can you believe what they… Burghard, I’m not in the coach with you. Burghard?
Sir, I’m all for discipline, but Smeerensburg? Isn’t that a bit excessive?
That boy needs a wake-up call, Sergeant. And who knows? Someday he might even thank me for it.
----Thank you, Dad! This is really wonderful, Father. Thank you so much.
This is great, Dad. Really, really great.
Thanks, Dad! Thank you!
I love this terrible coach ride. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank…
You go back to the intersection. You make a left at the dead tree. You’re welcome.
What? No. I’m not lost.
Trust me, you are.
Funny! Say, nice boat! Any chance you might actually get on it today?
What was that?
New postman. Smeerensburg. Which is on an island, which is surrounded by water, which I need a boat to get to, which you have. Are we starting to connect the dots?
----Is the weather always like this?
Eh. We’re having a bit of a heat wave.
Huh?
There she is. Smeerensburg. Charming, huh? Why, you should see it in the spring. That’s when those grays really pop.
What happened here?
Oh! Uh, colorful local traditions. Quirky folklore. That kind of thing. All part of this quaint town’s vibrant culture.
No, no! Why you… Oh, you rotten vermin!
Where is everyone?
Everyone?
I thought there would be some sort of a reception.
Oh! Right. Right, the reception. Of course, the reception. It’s good you reminded me. You just ring the bell over there and, uh… and then the reception will start.
The bell?
Yep. Give it a go. And they’ll come out. Why, they’ll have a band, hors d’oeuvres and, uh… and the key to the city. All that reception stuff.
Really? Out here?
Why, of course! Well, it’s not every day they get a brand-new postman from the big city.
Huh?
What’s happening?
Whoa! Whoa!
Aah!
Ow, they’re biting! Ow, get off! Get off! Get off!
Isn’t this nice? And you thought they forgot.
Quick! Get me out of here!
Uh…
What’s going on out here? Why is everybody just standing around?
Well! Look who’s finally throwing in the towel!
Throwing in the… Us? Ha! That’s rich!
Admit it! You weaseled out and rang the bell!
An Ellingboe? Never! It was one of you critters!
Don’t you dare raise your voice at me!
Oh, there you go!
You rang that bell!
You know you rang… Oh!
You chicken out, and now you want to pin it on us!
Unbelievable!
We were plowing the snow…
Oh, whoa! Hey!
Huh. What’ve you got there, children?
Mine!
Pumpkin, show Daddy what you found.
Mine.
This is no way to treat a person! Certainly not this person! Just one second. Let me just…
A postman? Pfft. Give me a break.
When will they learn?
Hey! They’ve sent us another postman!
All right. All right. You don’t know who I am, so I’m gonna let this one slide. Okay? But let’s just say I’m not really a postman. Well, I am, because it’s our family business. My father’s a… Don’t get me started, because it’s…
Where were we? Oh, yeah. Bell, please!
Life is too short to go into details, but…
Come to the counter. I’ll be right out.
All right, listen. Whoever’s there, I warn you, you do not want to mess with me. Okay? Holy mackerel! Oh, the smell!
Fresh out of mackerel. Only herring and burbot today.
Oh.
Oh. Uniform, cold sweat, scared stiff, shaking in your boots. All right, I’m gonna just take a wild guess here. You are the latest mailman, and the ferryman tricked you into ringing the Battle Bell.
The Battle Bell? What kind of a town has a Battle Bell? Can we open a window in here or something? I can’t pretend any…
Welcome to Smeerensburg, home of the world’s finest feuds.
Feuds?
Grudges, bickering, the Krums versus the Ellingboes. So… are you gonna buy something, or are you just here to chitchat?
Wait. Isn’t this a school? Shouldn’t there be children and a teacher?
Oh! Yes! Oh, thank you! Thank you! I knew I was forgetting something! Children! Thank you!
You’re the teacher?
Okay, here’s how it works. I sell fish, and then the person on the other side of the counter… That would be you. You buy…
Holy moly! That’s you? What happened?
What happened was…
That’s… That came out wrong.
I took a teaching job at a place where people don’t send their kids to school! Mingling with their sworn enemy’s spawn? Oh, no! We can’t have that! So, now I’m reduced to doing this so I can get some money and start fresh somewhere far, far away from here. Are you going to buy something? Herring’s on sale today.
Ah! There you are. I wondered where you’d scurried off to! Morning, Miss. Alva.
Mogens.
Come on, sport! I saved the best for last!
----Home sweet home.
Ow! What the…
Mail that, postman!
Now wait a minute, that’s completely…
Go home, you loser!
Oh, yeah? Well, if I’m a loser, then you’re a, uh… You’re too far. You’re gone.
Well, lots of nice, natural light, rustic touches, central air and panoramic views. Perfect for animal lovers. Enjoy.
Wait! Wait! This can’t be right! I… Oh, I get it. Did my father put you up to this? Good one. Ha ha. You got me. Okay, well, enough of that. Show me where I’m really staying. I’d like a hot bath and a look at the dinner menu.
Here, let me help you out. You’re a postman in Smeerensburg, which is on an island cut off from the world, frigid cold, angry, violent neighbors, and this is home now. Are we starting to connect the dots?
Aah! Ugh.
----Almost. Hang in there.
What?
Hmm?
Oh.
Aah!
That’s it! This place is the worst!
I’m going home!
No! You can’t leave, remember?
You’ll be broke! Out in the streets!
But I hate it here!
It’s so cold and icky!
And the people are mean to me. And I miss my silk sheets.
Shut up! Stop being weak!
Focus! How do you get out of here?
You need… You need… letters!
Ugh.
All right. This is a good one. I can feel it.
Come to Papa, you sweet, sweet little…
Oh, come on!
Ugh! Pssh!
Fine. Go to the source, I guess.
Good morning, madame.
I’m the postman, obviously.
If you have letters you’d like me to send, you could go scurry ahead and get them and…
Hello! Hi! Hi!
If you have your letters on you, I’d be glad to take them off your…
Hmph!
Birthday cards? Distant cousin?
Deceased notice?
Holy mother!
Any letters… or packages?
Any packages?
Come on, people!
Letters! Letters! I don’t have all day!
Okay, keep low. Don’t panic. Don’t panic.
Oh, I guess that’s why they call it “snail mail.”
All right. What’s going on here? Where are all the letters?
Oh. Folks around here only have one thing to say to one another.
Ah.
And they’re getting their point across pretty well without mail.
Wouldn’t you say?
Wait, wait, wait.
No letters? But how am I supposed to get out of…
What the…
Hello?
Sir, can I get my drawing back?
The wind blew it away.
Please?
Not now, kid.
Can’t you see I’m busy trying to figure out how to get…
Well, here’s a thought.
I’m a postman, see?
So I can’t give it to you, but I could mail it to you.
How?
Couldn’t be simpler!
I just fold your pretty drawing, very beautiful by the way,
put it in an envelope like this
and then all that’s left is postage so I can put it in the mailbox for you.
– Postage? – Yep.
You just toss a penny over to me so I can stamp it,
and we’re all ready to go.
Couldn’t you just put it in?
Aw. Tsk.
I really, really would, but I can’t.
It’s not a letter if it doesn’t have postage.
See how it works?
So what do you say?
I get my letter, and you get your drawing.
Win-win. You want your drawing, don’t you?
– Um… – If you don’t, I’m gonna keep it.
– Hmm. – I love it.
I would keep it if I was you,
so I would send this letter back to myself if I was you.
Oh, hi, Papa!
This nice man says he can mail my drawing back to me!
– He’s lying. Children are liars. – Can you give him a penny?
Oh, look at that. Wrong address. Silly me.
These aren’t… You’re not the Spendlebergs.
I’ll see you later.
Thank you so much, and no need…
Aah! The puppies! The puppies!
Ah. And that must be the express mail.
All right, Smeerensburg.
You may have won this round,
but if you think I’m giving up, think again.
I’ll have my letters in no time,
and then it’s bye-bye to you and your cold and your loons
and your chickens! That’s right! You too!
You’ll see. I give it a week.
Two, tops.
Is this a bad time? I can see you’re pretty swamped.
Don’t you have…
a job or something?
Why, sure I do.
I’m here to pick up all the outgoing mail.
So, where is it?
Now, you’re gonna have to help me with the heavier bags.
Bad back, don’t you know.
– Man, I hate you. – I know.
So, uh, where is the mail, anyway?
Where do you keep it? In a different room now or something?
What about if I walk around the room,
if I get close to the mail, you say “warmer”?
And if I’m getting farther from the mail, you say “colder”?
– And then… – What’s that?
What? Oh, the woodsman’s cabin?
Yeah, does someone live there?
Well, sure. Yeah, you should definitely drop by.
Nice fella. Loves visitors.
Hello? I’m in your house or… whatever this place is.
Anybody here?
Ah, come on. Really?
Of course. Of course this would happen.
Great. I’m gonna kill that boatman.
What?
Toys?
Ah, here we go.
Now I can go home with the satisfaction of having accomplished absolutely…
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Yeehaw!
That’s it! I’ve had it!
Better alive in the gutter than hacked into pieces!
No, thank you!
Yah!
Please don’t chop me up and scatter my parts in the woods!
Where’s this?
What? I don’t know. How would I…
Wait.
I do know.
Keep going down this road, and you’ll get there.
You can’t miss it. It… Or I can show you.
Sure. Yeah, let me just show you.
All right.
Excuse me. Just… Can I…
Here we are.
Watch your step getting out of the, uh… What’s this?
You’re a postman, aren’t you?
Oh, you want me to…
No, but I…
Sure thing. My pleasure.
Nothing I’d love to do more
than deliver what I’m fairly certain can only be a severed head of some kind.
I mean, there’s no way that’s not a severed head.
It’s gotta… I’m holding a head in my hand, but hey!
Come on! Look, I’m…
Ah! You’re right there!
So quiet for a disproportionately…
I mean, strapping, uh… statuesque.
You have a kind of, um…
What? In there?
You must be kidding. No way. Absolutely not.
I mean, first of all, I’d love to, of course,
but, look, too bad about the fence.
Rats. Oh, well.
What are you gonna do? Are you… What’s happening right now?
Hey, listen, please. Open this!
Why are you doing this to me?
Oh, no.
Okay, you win. What do you want? Money? My dad’s got plenty of it.
You can write him a ransom note. You can write, right?
Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’ll write it for you.
Ah! He’ll never know it’s me! I’ll make it sound like it’s from you!
I’ll use monosyllabic words, man! Please! Please! Please!
Just let me out of here! I’m gonna get…
Why?
Ow! Ow!
Who’s there?
Aah!
Door, door, door.
Locks!
This has gotta move! Come on! Come on!
Open up. Open up. Open up! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Come on! Keep it together! Keep it together!
Aah!
Where are they, boys?
Don’t let ’em get away! Come on! Get ’em!
Okay.
I’ve done all you’ve asked. Can I please…
Hmm.
Has he?
Ah! He’s here to finish the job!
– Oh, no! – Mr. Postman?
Are you in there?
Go away! Go! Leave! He’ll hear you!
We’d like to send these letters!
What? What did you just say?
Our cousin told us if we write a letter to Mr. Klaus,
he’ll make us a toy.
He also said to bring you a penny each.
It’s not a letter if it doesn’t have postage, right?
– Psst. Hey. Hey, you. – Hmm?
You want a toy?
Hey! Would you, uh…
like a brand-new toy?
Just write a letter to Mr. Klaus.
And you put it in the envelope, write your name on it and bring a penny.
Can’t forget the penny.
These better sound sad. Do they sound sad?
Okay, good job.
All right. And now…
for the tricky part.
All right. Remember…
probably not an ax murderer, though…
it still is a possibility, but most likely… no.
He’s a good guy… deep down.
Hello.
Hello. Mr… Klaus, I take it?
You remember me from the nice breaking and entering last night?
Jesper Johanssen, postman,
but we never properly…
Uh…
I, uh…
You see, Mr. Klaus, it seems like word got around
that the poor children of Smeerensburg have started, uh…
completely unprompted…
writing letters asking you for…
toys.
So I figured
you have the whole barn filled with toys
just sitting there collecting dust, so…
Oh, God. Okay. This is it. Here it goes.
Oh, wow.
That is…
totally normal.
Not a symptom of any mental illness or anything.
– Go away. – Mr. Klaus, sir!
Those little children…
…if you donate your old toys to them…
…well, I’ll gladly deliver them for free!
Mr. Klaus, wait!
Please!
Think of all the joy you’ll bring their miserable little lives!
Look, here.
Poor little Herlief.
He only has sticks and stones to play with. So sad.
And this one,
little Penny… Patty.
Her doll was so old,
it crumbled in her arms when she came to me.
And then Kristoff… Little, ugly Kristoff.
This little…
Tonight, same time.
Great! What, “same time”? You mean, dead of night?
– I can just take the toys now. – No. I go with you.
There’s no need for you to come with me, really.
It might be against the law
for a noncertified postman to ride with me.
I have to check the rule book.
Great. Tonight, then. I’ll see you then. Good talk. Good talk.
Whoa! Whoo!
Huh?
Oh, oh!
Playing!
Playing, I tell you.
With an Ellingboe!
– An Ellingboe, no less! – In all my years!
– Did you all hear that? – Unacceptable.
I don’t know how it happened.
I turned away for one second…
And then I saw it.
I brought her as soon as I could, sir.
– That’s just wrong! Wrong, I say! – Inconceivable!
– What are we going to do? – Unthinkable!
Hmm. This is bad. Very bad.
Worst I’ve ever seen, really. What were you thinking, kid?
Don’t you know that…
Krums and Ellingboes don’t mix.
– But why? – “Why?” he asks!
– See what I mean? – Why?
I don’t know what to do!
Please help us, miss! I beg you!
Do you know what this is, little boy?
This is tradition!
Centuries of glorious hatred, passed down through generations!
There was the hundred-day brawl of ’45.
Which we totally won!
The maritime game of chicken.
The Great Mooning of ’86.
So, if there’s something we know…
…going back as far as we can remember…
…it’s that a Krum despises an Ellingboe…
…and an Ellingboe can’t stand a Krum!
That is why.
Now, I just know you didn’t mean to disrespect all of that heritage, right?
– Right. – And it won’t happen again,
will it?
Of course not.
Now, tell me all about where this pretty thing came from.
Ugh.
Let me guess. Leaving it at the gate not an option?
You really have a way with words, you know?
Of course, you don’t… Of course, don’t even answer that…
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop! Stop!
Aah!
Whoa! Whoa!
You rotten vermin!
– Me, me, me! – Pick me!
– Out of the way! – Mine first!
I want a bicycle!
– Tell Mr. Klaus I want a bicycle! – Shut up!
– Take my letter! Take my letter! – Mine! Me!
Me first! Me first! A doll!
-Me! Me! Me! – Okay! Okay! Single line! Chop-chop!
Fall back! All right. Everyone, in line.
– There you go. – Get out! Move.
Letter? Good. Letter? Good.
Got it. Get out of here. Great. Move along.
– What’s wrong with her mouth? – She’s not from here. She’s Saami.
Right, that’s nice. But I see no letter, so please come back when you have one.
Have a nice day.
Bye-bye. Okay, any other letters?
– Here! Here! Here! – Me, me, me!
Good. The rest, you know the deal.
No letter, no toy.
But we don’t know how to write.
Tough luck, kid.
Wait, you know what you could do?
– What are you doing? – Aah!
Telling children to go to school to learn to write?
What is wrong with you?
Yeah, yes. What I meant to do…
Listen to me, Postman.
Whatever you’re doing, leave me out of it.
I have been rotting away here for five years,
and I am so close to getting out.
I am not about to let you mess it all up.
You got it?
These children wasting away without a proper education?
I mean…
Forgive me, I’m kind of a dreamer, but… isn’t that why we do it?
Hmm? Hmm?
Why you became a teacher?
So you could make a difference?
Ah. Young love.
Takes me back, you know?
The intense looks, the palpitation of the heart.
The whimpering and the soiling of the pants, no.
I can’t relate to so much.
So you go to sleep, and when you wake up in the morning,
the present is right there by the fireplace!
Yeah, Mr. Klaus is amazing!
– Yeah, he’s awesome. – Yeah!
“Klaus”? “Awesome”?
He’s huge, but he can squeeze down any chimney!
– Really? How? – I don’t know.
Magic, I guess.
Ow!
There.
Ugh.
If you leave your socks hanging on the mantle,
Mr. Klaus will fill them with toys!
He only comes when you’re sleeping.
No one has ever seen him.
It’s like he’s invisible or something.
Aah!
Oh, and he likes cookies. Don’t forget to leave out some cookies.
Who’s the loser now, you little brat?
Mr. Klaus is the coolest.
Hey, have you heard about Klaus?
His name is Klaus, and he makes the best toys.
– Klaus. – Klaus.
– Klaus. – He’s awesome.
His toys are the best.
– What happened? – Not a word.
You just sit there, be all magical and awesome.
What?
Are we going to learn something today?
Look, if you have to be here, at least be quiet.
Why don’t you go ahead and just, I don’t know, write vowels or something?
We don’t have notebooks.
Or pens.
All right. Okay, let’s make a deal.
if I teach you something, will you get out of here? Please?
Mmm-hmm.
There you go.
Really? That’s my name?
Yes. Yay, it’s your name.
Wow.
Can you teach me more?
– Please? – Me next!
– I want to write my name. – Me too. I want to write my name.
– Pick me! – I want to write my name!
– Me too! I want to write my name! – Teach me!
– I want to write my name! – Me next!
Too heavy.
Okay, then.
I can go by myself. You don’t have to…
I mean, no offense, but someone could use a little diet cleanse. What are you doing?
Less presents, less weight.
Less presents?
But less presents means less letters, and less letters means less… more children’s dreams being shattered.
No. No, no, no, I won’t allow it.
We have a sworn duty for the children.
Aah!
Gotcha!
Aah!
Hmm.
Come here! Come on!
Aah! Ow! Ow!
Right. I wear them down, and you catch them.
Good teamwork… Whoa! Whoa!
– Waah! Whoo! – Whoa ho ho!
– Whoo hoo hoo! – Whoa ho ho!
– That’s right. – Good call, reindeer.
This is good teamwork here.
– We’re making good time. – Reliable, strong, cooperative.
Okay, post office is now officially open.
You have your letters, step right in. Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, loser!
What gives?
I sent my letter, and all I got was a lousy clump of coal!
Well, it serves you right!
Devilish little tadpoles like yourself don’t get toys from Klaus.
Oh, yeah? And how would he know what I’m up to unless you ratted on me?
Oh, I didn’t have to.
He knows.
What do you mean?
He sees everything, you know.
Every mischief, prank and dirty deed.
He keeps a list. The…
– Naughty List, he calls it. – You lie!
Trust me.
You do not want to be on the Naughty List.
So, you still wanna throw that snowball?
I didn’t think so.
Only good children get toys?
“Dear Mr. Klaus,
I shoveled all the yards on my street today.
– That’s good, right? – Hi!
Please don’t put me on the Naughty List.”
“Dear Mr. Klaus, today, me and my brothers helped Mom with the chores.
We’ll do this every day if you bring us some toys. Honest!”
“Dear Mr. Klaus, our neighbor was fixing up the hole in the fence today,
and then he fell…
– Ow! – …and he hurt his leg.
– It must’ve really hurt… – Let go of me!
– …’cause he would not stop screaming. – I’m being attacked by Ellingboes! Help!
So we helped him.
He said he didn’t like it, but… deep down, I think he did.”
“That’s what I did today.
And yesterday,
instead of stealing Mrs. Runa’s berries, we picked them all up for her.”
Hmm?
“She came to our house later, and she brought Mom lots of berry jam.”
Hmph.
“And then Mom brought her a berry pie.”
– “Dear Mr. Klaus… – Hmph.
…I’ve been going to class every day,
– and I always do my homework.” – Oh, Annelisse! Thank you!
Hi, Mr. Postman!
“Miss. Alva is the best teacher ever!”
“Also, I cleaned my dad’s old clarinet.
I hope I did a good job. He seemed happy.
Could I get a toy please?”
Huh?
Huh?
What?
What the…
Hey, there, Chief. How’re we doin’…
– Here! Me! – What? How?
Whoo! Come on, guys! Let’s play!
I think it’s time we send that postman… a message.
You know what to do, pumpkin.
Mine…
And the baker now has a sale on cakes for Ellingboes,
without razor blades in the dough or anything.
Oh, and did you know that arson is down 70%?
It’s true. When’s the last time you saw a house burn down?
Precisely. And cookouts, swap meets, and, uh…
yeah, I don’t know.
It’s like everyone’s gone mad or something.
A true selfless act…
always sparks another.
Well, look who’s suddenly a chatterbox. Tell me,
what made you squander all those words into that nugget of wisdom?
Oh, just something…
someone used to say.
Well, let me tell you something.
I’ve been around long enough to know that everyone is out to get something.
Those kids? Those kids are in it for the toys. And the grown-ups?
Well, I don’t know what they’re after.
but it sure is not goodwill and peace on Earth.
What about you?
– What’s in it for you? – Me?
Well, you know…
It’s different. I don’t…
Look out!
– Mine! – What?
Aah!
– I can’t believe this! – Whoa!
What are you doing at our ambush?
Your ambush? This is our ambush!
– Stop, stop, stop! – I’m trying!
Stop! Stop!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, great! Look what you’ve done!
– What we’ve done? – Leave it to you…
Whoa!
Wow.
Friends of yours, I take it?
Uh…
They seem nice.
You guys are not gonna believe what I saw last night!
A flying sleigh pulled by magical reindeer?
Yep.
Oh, look, it can laugh.
– Ho ho ho! – Mystery solved.
Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho!
Wait, wait, wait. Time out. Really?
– That’s how you laugh? – Right.
Let’s load up.
Oh, no, no. You don’t get off that easy.
– Let me hear it again. – No.
Come on. Just a snicker or a chuckle.
– Just a giggle. – Keep it up. See what happens.
All right. I’ll stop.
Say, have you heard the one about the one-legged man who walks into a bar?
Say, we’re kinda running low on inventory, aren’t we?
Yes, only a couple more trips, and that should do it.
You must be…
looking forward to no more night shifts.
– Right? – Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Me too.
Hello, Postman!
Oh, good, you’re back.
Yes, yes, yes. That’s very nice,
but whatever it is you’re saying, I’ve got my own problems, you know?
I mean, we are out of toys, and without toys, there are no letters.
And without letters…
Ugh! Forget it.
I’m running out of time! There, I said it!
It’s almost Christmas already, and I still…
Christmas. Christmas.
That’s it. Wait.
We gotta do… I gotta…
Can you please get off my porch? You’re trespassing.
I, leader of the proud Krum…
Get on with it already.
Shut up, you idiot! I’m getting to it!
I, leader of the proud…
Oh, forget it. The mood is gone.
You know why I’m calling this meeting.
Yeah, I… Of course I know.
Uh…
– Midnight brawl? – Look around, Aksel!
Where is your clan?
– Huh. – I’ll tell you where they are.
They’re at block parties! Hayrides! And cookouts!
Brunches! Don’t forget about the brunches.
It was a book club that took my poor Sven!
You see? The postman and that old toy maker
are brainwashing everyone!
What’re you saying?
I’m saying it’s time to join forces against a common enemy.
I’m saying we need a truce.
A truce? Have you gone mad?
Either we band together to take care of this,
or it’s gonna be all book clubs
– and cookouts from here on… – And brunches!
– Don’t forget about the brunches. – Yes, that… that too.
So, we must join together in peace to help stop this peace?
Our ancestors demand it.
For the Ellingboe bloodline!
For the Krums’ honor.
The clans are on the warpath…
together!
Mine! Mine! Mine!
Mine! Mine!
Mine!
I…
This is gonna take a lot of work.
– Surprise! – Oh!
Jesper?
– Wha-what are you… – Welcome to your new workshop!
– Ta-da! – What… What is…
– It’ll all be explained in a minute. – Why did you…
– I don’t want to… – Come. Sit, sit, sit.
You’ll love this. I promise.
Christmas!
Christmas? What do you…
Think about it! Every child in town gets up on Christmas morning
and finds a…
brand-new toy waiting for them by the fireplace.
We can make the holiday even more magical.
Think of the joy. Think of the happiness.
Jesper, listen. I don’t think…
Puh-puh-puh!
Let me finish. Let me finish.
Think of all those happy little faces, huh?
They’re so cute! They’re just… Aww!
– Aren’t they so… Look! – Even if we…
Where are you gonna get that many toys?
You…
make new ones!
I don’t make toys.
Not anymore.
Pfft. You… You have a gift, my friend.
Birdhouses are nice and all, but come on!
Those hands were meant
– for making… – I said no.
Come on! Work with me here. Picture the possibilities.
Look, woodwork would go here.
No.
And here,
clockwork with all the gears and the cogs,
– for you to tinker with all day. – Stop it.
And in this corner, row after row of shiny tools of all shapes and sizes.
Wait! Don’t touch that!
Impeccably organized for you!
No!
What’s this?
Get out.
Klaus, I’m sorry.
I, I didn’t mean…
Get out!
Bad night, huh?
Ugh. Well, join the club.
Nah, I don’t want to bore you with it.
Well, okay. It’s just been bothering me, you know?
If I don’t get those letters, then what am I supposed to do?
Stay in this little town forever,
hanging out with an old woodsman, surrounded by crazy people,
and never wanting anything more?
Back home, I’ve got pretty much everything.
But here…
I’m just…
another irrelevant, pointless…
nobody.
But Klaus, he doesn’t deserve…
I didn’t mean to…
Well, now I just feel like a… I’ve behaved like a…
Precisely.
Hey. You’re a pretty good listener, you know?
All right, you win.
Let’s go. Follow me.
Sorry to bother you this late, but,
by any chance, would you happen to understand… this?
Okay. Come in.
All right. Let’s get started.
Who wants some hot cocoa?
Oh, oh, oh!
She said she’d like a boat!
– Really? – No, that can’t be right. Scratch that.
– Yes, yes, yes. – What?
What’re you talking about? Are you talking about me?
♪ All I know is ♪
♪ If happy lives a mile away A couple steps is all it takes ♪
♪ If kindness lives in everyone Then all it takes is standing up ♪
♪ Can’t touch it, see it ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ But you can always feel it ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The greatest things you’ll ever know ♪
♪ Are invisible ♪
Huh?
– Klaus, I… – Uh.
♪ If happy lives a mile away A couple steps is all it takes ♪
♪ If kindness lives in everyone Then all it takes is standing up ♪
♪ Can’t touch it, see it ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ But you can always feel it ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The greatest things you’ll ever know ♪
♪ Are invisible ♪
Oh.
Whoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
♪ Can’t touch it, see it ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ But you can always feel it ♪
Yoo-hoo!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The greatest things you’ll ever know ♪
♪ Are invisible ♪
Yoo!
♪ They are invisible ♪
Looks like someone might need help mailing letters.
Yeah.
– Who? – I, I…
I mean…
How have we never defeated you?
Yeah, then…
when she got on the sled, I thought, “Oh, no! We made it too small.”
But no! It was just right for her size.
And she loved it, right?
I think she did. Do you think she loved it?
– I do. – Yeah.
Me too. Me too. Yeah, she loved it.
You know, I remember the day I first had that very same smile on my face.
What? What smile? I wasn’t smiling. I was squinting. From the sun.
Right.
I didn’t want to admit it at first either.
She used to tease me about it.
“She”?
My Lydia.
I remember when I found this spot in the woods that she loved.
And I built us a house right here.
Away from it all.
But it wasn’t gonna be the two of us for long.
We wanted children.
Lots of them.
Running around, laughing, getting in trouble.
While we waited,
I started making toys for them.
And we waited, and I kept making toys and more toys.
Oh! Here’s another one. What do you think?
And we kept waiting,
but they never came…
And then…
she got sick.
Even now… sometimes…
it almost feels like she’s still…
After… After she was gone,
I… I guess I got lost.
She loved birds, so I just kept making birdhouses.
But then…
Then you showed up.
Delivering these toys, seeing the joy they bring to children,
I thought I’d never feel this again.
And I have you to thank for it, my friend.
So… thank you.
Of course.
– Hey, you know what? We’re doing it! – What?
– Doing what? – The Christmas thing!
We’re making all those toys!
– That’s what she would’ve wanted. – Really?
Yeah, really! And with a whole year of planning,
– we can expand to more villages next year. – Next year?
– And more the year after that! – But I won’t…
I mean, who knows what’s gonna happen next year?
I might not even…
What’re you going on about? Let’s go! No time to lose!
I might not even be here.
♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪
♪ Once I caught a fish alive ♪
♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, ten ♪
♪ Then I let it go again ♪
♪ Why did you let it go? ♪
♪ Because it bit my finger so! ♪
♪ Which finger did it bite? ♪
♪ This little finger on my right! ♪
– Good job! – Yay!
All right, that’s it for today.
And, um… homework!
Oh! Uh… I forgot about homework.
You know what? No homework.
Am I the best teacher ever or what?
What…
– happened here? – Oh.
Yeah, I thought I would give the place an update.
Everybody knows rotting fish is so over.
How did you pay for this?
Hmm?
– Your savings? – Well, not all of it.
Actually, yeah, all of it. But check it out.
I think it looks pretty good.
What about starting far, far away from here?
Where’s that Alva?
Someone would have to be pretty stupid
to want to leave this place now.
Don’t you think?
I… guess.
You guess? Oh, wow.
You have no idea what you’ve done, do you?
Ugh. Come on. I’ll show you.
Now, would you take a look at that?
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
Merry Christmas, Miss. Alva!
– Merry Christmas, Mr. Postman! – Merry Christmas.
Good evening, Postman Johanssen.
– Hello. – Miss. Alva.
Not quite the same place, is it?
Hey.
What’re you doing here?
A true act of goodwill, huh?
Always sparks another.
Never fails.
Remember, put the letter in the envelope.
– And pass it down the line. – Come on! It doesn’t have to rhyme.
– That’s right, keep at it. – Keep it short and sweet!
No extra points for good spelling.
– Oh, you’re doing so great, pumpkin. – Let’s go! One letter!
Come on, it doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, people.
Whoa!
Steady, ol’ girl! Easy does it.
Oh, wow!
Uh-huh. Smooth lines. Good. Nice work.
Hello!
Hi.
What am I supposed to do, huh?
Stay forever in this little town?
Hanging out with an old woodsman?
Surrounded by crazy people?
Never wanting anything more?
Okay, are you gonna do that part or…
How about you finish these and…
Whoa!
They insisted, and I didn’t want to be rude.
I don’t know… What do you… Pfft. It’s a lot of red.
What do you… Is it too much?
No.
We’ll just blindfold the reindeer so they don’t get dizzy.
– That’s all. I’m kidding. – Aw…
I’m kidding. I’m kidding.
It looks great. It looks good. It’s nice. It’s…
Hello, Jesper.
Dad? What?
Sorry. Let’s, um… Let’s talk outside.
It’s a little cramped in here.
Dad, what’re you doing here?
Time isn’t up yet. I’ve still got a few days until…
Fourteen thousand letters out of Smeerensburg?
Well, I had to come and see it for myself.
Dad, you can’t just show up and…
Wait, what? 14,000?
– That’s not right. It… – Oh, but it is.
Don’t be so modest.
What’re they doing here?
They were the ones who alerted me to what you’ve accomplished here.
We couldn’t let such a feat go unrewarded.
Listen, whatever they told you…
Well, then, ready to go?
Go? Where?
Home, of course.
A deal’s a deal. The ordeal is over.
Home?
With the personal butler and the breakfast in bed and…
my silk sheets?
No one deserves it more.
Wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Klaus?
Oh, he was unbelievable!
Encouraging children to write letters and go to school!
Convincing the locals to donate their labor to… such a worthy cause.
Indeed.
Well, shall we then?
Perhaps a minute to say your goodbyes, of course.
Please, I can explain.
I was…
Oh, it’s very clear.
You just duped everyone so you could get back to your puffed-up life back in the big town.
Something like that?
No! No. Well, at first maybe, yes, but, Alva, please come…
Alva, please come back.
If I, I didn’t get the letters, I’d be cut off, but things changed!
Jesper!
Jesper!
Márgu…
Klaus, just listen. I…
Everybody’s out to get something, right?
I thought…
well, a bit of hardship might help straighten you out,
but even I must admit that…
Well, let’s just say that there’s certainly a bright future
for the man who brought postal service to Smeerensburg, that’s for sure.
And speaking of the future, I look forward to discussing…
One down, one to go.
If you ask me “who” right now, I swear!
Well, now, finally leaving, aren’t we?
I… uh…
Anchors away, Captain.
– We’re sailing off at once. – Well, that’s a first.
I beg your pardon?
Never saw a postman looking more miserable leaving
than on the day they came in.
Oh, well. Best leave it alone, I say.
I’m sure it’s nothing that could fester
and eventually become a source of resentment and regret.
Jesper!
Jesper.
Cheer up, little one.
I think I may have missed my boat.
Jesper!
So I told him. I told him everything.
And then he turned to me, and he said…
…he’d never been more proud of me.
And he hugged me. Can you believe that?
I thought he’d be mad.
Well, yeah, sure. I’ll miss it.
The big house, the having my every whim tended to, the silk sheets.
Oh, God, the silk sheets! Can we change the subject?
Anyways, anybody can get off a boat.
The real trick is gonna be convincing Klaus and Alva to give me an…
What? What’s that?
It’s the clans!
Klaus!
Slowly.
Slowly. Slowly.
A little bit…
Well, well.
Isn’t this convenient?
What’re you doing here?
Why, we were just thinking,
“Don’t our children also deserve a present?”
And lookie here!
You’ve already got her favorite thing in the world.
A nice, big piñata!
Hey, you put…
…one hand on those toys and I swear I…
Stand back. All right.
Do what you will with the toys.
But no one gets hurt.
Suits us just fine.
How long until children go back to the old ways
once there are no toys to bribe them with?
How long until they turn against each other?
And how long until the grown-ups follow?
Jesper?
The postman!
Ha! Eat our snow, you…
They’re not attached. Why aren’t they attached?
I thought they were attached.
I would never, in a million years, have done what I just did
if I didn’t think these were attached.
After them!
Who leaves a sleigh unattached like… Aah!
Destroy those toys!
– Stop them at any cost! – Mine!
Mine! Mine!
Mine!
Mine…
Mine!
I could really use a hand here.
“Use.” Interesting choice of word.
Really? You’re gonna go for the guilt trip now?
Smash those toys to pieces!
The toys!
– We have to close that bag! – What do you care?
– I thought you were leaving. – Great. Sure. I’ll tell you what.
Let’s continue discussing what a horrible person I am
while I most likely break my neck trying to save the children’s toys,
– why don’t we? – Get down there!
Stop those toys!
Uh… Klaus?
Hmm.
Nice move! How’d you know I wouldn’t get knocked off too?
Never mind. Don’t answer that.
– Mine! – Whoa!
Go! Go! We’re dead! We’re dead! We’re dead!
Mine!
Mine!
Pumpkin!
I’m still proud of you, you hear me?
Mine?
We’re losing toys!
Oh, no!
– Stop! Stop! – Oh, my goodness!
Oh, no, no, no! No!
Jesper! Let go!
– It’s not worth it! – Are you crazy? No!
See? Nothing to it. Just…
I wouldn’t be so sure.
Wait! No, no, no!
No! No, no, no! No!
This town was built on resentment and spite.
And it’ll stay that way as long as a Krum…
Or an Ellingboe!
Ugh.
…have something to say about it.
Let’s go. We’re done here.
Well said. Wait, does that mean the feud is back on?
No more truce?
First thing tomorrow.
A true act of goodwill.
What was that?
A true act of goodwill…
always sparks another.
I think you hit your head pretty hard, dear.
You should lie back down.
You don’t believe me? Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
Mine.
– Pumpkin! – Honey!
– Drop that immediately! – Mine!
– Honey! Sweetie! – Let go and come back here right now.
– Get down from there! – Mine!
It’s Mama calling.
– Put the boy down. – Remember Mama?
You don’t know where he’s been.
Klaus, I don’t know what to say.
If I hadn’t…
What’s this?
The presents in the sleigh were all fake?
Give me a little credit.
I wasn’t going to let them have the toys.
– But how did you know that… – Kids talk, you know?
And if kids happen to be talking
about their parents plotting to form an angry mob,
then, you know, teachers listen.
It was a simple plan.
They would destroy the decoys and leave.
But then you showed up and made it complicated. As usual.
So, all this was for nothing?
Oh, I wouldn’t say that.
Shall we then?
He came! He came!
– Yeah! – Mine’s the big one!
I told you! I told you he would come!
Mom! Come here, quick!
– Yes! – Yeah!
– It’s just what I wanted! – He came! He came! He came!
Dad! Mom! Wake up! You have to see this!
Life went on.
And Smeerensburg continued to change for the better.
Poetic, don’t you think?
As for Alva and I…
well, what’d you expect? Of course she loved me.
Every year, come the Christmas season, the letters started pouring in.
More and more each time, and from farther away.
We did have to expand the operation, just like we had planned.
More children, more toys, more towns.
It’s so bright you can even see at night.
Oh, look over there! See the red and yellow along the rim?
The years went by.
Any chance for a hot cup of coffee for your neighborhood mailman?
What is on your face?
What? You don’t like it? I think it looks good on me, don’t you?
Be honest. Alva hates it.
Each better than the last.
And then, on the 12th year…
I’m coming, love.
I looked for him everywhere.
I asked everyone, but we just couldn’t find him.
No goodbye.
No explanation.
Nothing.
It was as if he had just…
faded away.
All right.
I’ve got two urgent deliveries here, Postmaster, sir!
The letters are getting in the envelope.
Proceed to stamp the letter.
Another stamp.
Signed, sealed, to be delivered!
– Nighty night, kids! – Go to sleep, now.
Night, Mom! Night, Dad!
Good night.
Good night.
What happened to him after that… how, why… I can’t even begin to comprehend.
I stopped trying to make sense of it a long time ago.
What I do know… is that once a year… I get to see my friend.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Netflix Transcripts