And Maggie Makes Three/Quotes

:(Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm)
:Homer: (sarcastic tone) It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth.
:Hibbert: One more push should do it.
:Homer: Marvelous.
:(A baby cries once, then again)
:Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby.
:Homer: OK. (makes thumbs up sign)
:(Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand)
:Homer: Huh?
:Marge: Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello".
:Homer: Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy!
:Hibbert: Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.
:Homer: A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world.
:Marge: (sighs)
:Homer: Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm.
:(They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it)
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:Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat".
:Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.
:Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
:Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now.
:Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal.
:Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!
:Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal.
:Lisa: Or an inlet.
:Bart: Or a fjord.
:Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.
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:Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time.
:Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat.
:Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example.
:Bart: Says you, woman.
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:Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.
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:Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
:Chief Wiggum: (driving by) Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
:Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
:Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
:Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
:Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...
:Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
:(Homer enters the house)
:Homer: Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
:Maude: Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
:Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!
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:Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
:Homer: So many memories. Aw, look …Knightboat.
:Bart and Lisa: Aww…
:Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
:Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!
:Marge: Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures.
:Bart and Lisa: Aw, Mom!
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:Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
:Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story.
:(Bart and Lisa groan)
:Homer: It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born… Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were… the age Bart was several years ago.
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:Marge: [looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing...here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out.
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:Marge: So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister.
:Bart: Been there, done that.
:Lisa: I hope it's a girl.
:Bart: You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl.
:Lisa: You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom?
:Marge: Why do you say that?
:Lisa: Well you've been in my room for about four hours now.
:Marge: Hey, I'm just hanging.
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:Lisa: So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant?
:Homer: Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed.
:(he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is)
:Bart and Lisa: Dad! (Marge grabs Maggie)
:Homer: Hi Maggie!
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:Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you… bongo-head!
:(starts playing the bongos on Burns' head)
:Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage… and island rhythms.
:(Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing)
:Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!
:Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
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:Lenny: But Homer, how are you going to make a living?
:Homer: Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good!
:Carl: Hey, what did we do?
:Homer: Sorry, that just slipped out. (Hugs them) I'll miss you.
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:Bart: You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.
:Lisa: I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream...of sorts.
:Marge: I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary?
:Homer: Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices.
:Marge: Uh huh...
:Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.
:[Bart punches the wall]
:Homer: And only one of you kids can go to college.
:Bart and Lisa: Fine.
----
:[Homer and Marge lie down in the sand near the water and kiss.]
:Homer: Marge...
:Marge: Homer...
:Homer: [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants.
:Marge: Me too. Let's go home.
:[they leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants]
:Homer: I love you, Marge.
:Marge: I love you too, Homey.
:Homer: Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever.
:Marge: Mmmmmmmmm hmm.
:(They both make love offscreen)
:(Scene then shows lots of little Homer sperm bumping their heads into each other, saying "D'oh!"; one breaks through the egg and goes "Woo Hoo!" The scene returns to the present day, and Homer is swimming like a sperm)
:Marge: Did you have to be so graphic?
:Homer: It's OK, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
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:Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant.
:Marge: Mmm...
:Dr. Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy?
:Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this.
:Dr. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000.
:Marge: What?!
:Dr. Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably]
----
:Marge: Homey, I...
:Homer: Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is.
:Marge: Mmm.
:Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down]
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:Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
:Homer: Oh, just that one time.
:Marge: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
:Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams]
:Marge: [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa...
:Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off]
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:Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back.
:Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
:Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.
:Mr. Burns: Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.
:Smithers affixed a plaque to the wall of Homer's workstation
:Plaque: DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER
:Burns: Don't forget: you're here forever!
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:Last lines of episode
:Lisa: Anyway Dad, to get back to our first question, where are the pictures of Maggie?
:Homer: Where they are most needed.
:Cut to SNPP. Homer's unoccupied workstation is decorated with pictures of Maggie, and several have covered Burns' "demotivational plaque", making it a new plaque for Homer.
:Plaque: DO IT FOR HER