Episode 304: Gilda Radner/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 304: Gilda Radner.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and opens it.
Scooter	Gilda Radner! Gilda Radner! Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.
Gilda 	(as Emily Litella) Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about me doing The Muffin Show? I mean, what kind of a show is it about muffins? Why, the next thing you know, they have me do a show with rye bread, or little, tiny lovely biscuits. Why, I can't do a show like that, it's outrageous! I can't bel —
Scooter	Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
Gilda 	What?
Scooter	It's not The Muffin Show. It's The Muppet Show.
Gilda 	Ooh... Well, that's very different. (smiles) Never mind.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Gilda Radner! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
Gonzo 	I always get butterflies before a show.
Butterfly	Not this time. (whacks him with a club)
 	
 	Red smoke comes out of Gonzo's horn; Gonzo hiccups a second red cloud.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, we have with us one of America's brightest young comediennes, Miss Gilda Radner! But first, let us take a moment to consider the folk music of the North American Eskimo. Here is a traditional lullaby from beyond the Antarctic Circle... or somewhere.
 	
 	Eskimo pigs sing "Lullaby of Broadway." They are joined by a walrus, a penguin, a bear, and a chicken. Before the big finish, a miner emerges.
Miner 	Hey, Norton, I don't think this is 42nd Street.
 	And cue the big finish.
Statler	Weird. Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf	What?
Statler	Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf	Well, maybe someone broke their ig.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The penguin, walrus, chickens and pigs walk by.
Kermit	Okay, okay. (aside) Do Eskimos have chickens? Good number, but move it, move it, move it!
Pig 	I can't. I've got a broken ig. (guffaws)
 	Gilda emerges from her dressing room, in a pinafore and hat. She makes her way towards Kermit.
Kermit	Ah... It's Gilda Radner! (applause)
Gilda 	Hi, Kermit.
Kermit	Hi there.
Gilda 	Listen, I want to really thank you for letting me do the operetta number. I love operetta, and no one's ever given me a chance to do one before.
Kermit	Oh, well, you're welcome.
Gilda 	Have you got my parrot?
Kermit	Your what?
Gilda 	My parrot. My seven-foot-tall talking parrot.
Kermit	A … a seven-foot-tall talking parrot?
Gilda 	Right. I wrote you in the letter.
Kermit	Well, well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting. A parrot?
Gilda 	Well, what'd you think I asked for?
Kermit	Well I… I wasn't really sure. I thought it was a... (sheepishly) Never mind.
 	A seven-foot-tall taking carrot emerges from another room and comes downstairs.
Carrot	Must I share my dressing room with the other vegetables?
Gilda 	A seven foot tall talking carrot?
Carrot	Watch it, lady, I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cole.
Kermit	Cole? Cole Porter?
Gilda 	Cole Slaw. They paid him a huge celery. (chuckles)
 	
Carrot	Now she's stealing my jokes.
Gilda 	Well, I have to do something. I don't have an opening number now.
Kermit	Why not?
Gilda 	Well, I was going to do selections from The Parrots of Penzance.
Kermit	The Parrots of Penzance?
Gilda 	Yeah, well it's better than The Carrots of Penzance. Come on, vitamin brains.
 	She leads the carrot to the stage. Fozzie passes by, bewildered.
Fozzie	Ker... Ker... Ker... Kermit! Gilda Radner and a seven-foot-tall talking carrot?
Kermit	(nods) Well, I introduce 'em. I don't explain 'em. (walks on-stage)
==Gilda's Medley==
Kermit 	Uh... few performers are brave or foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number. But here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.
 	Open on a ballroom setting. Gilda stands at the top, making her way downstairs as she sings.
Gilda 	
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetable, animal and mineral.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric,
From Marathon to... [hums]
 	Enter the carrot.
Carrot 	Hold it. Hold it. Maestro, please. (the music stops) You blew it, my child. (aside) Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
Gilda 	(walks up to him angrily) Ooh, if I knew a 12-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.
Carrot 	Why don't we try an easy one, hmm? Maestro, please.
 	A slower tempo plays.
Carrot 	When a carrot's not engaged in his employment…
Gilda 	His employment…
Carrot 	Or maturing his felonious little plans…
Gilda 	Little plans…
Carrot 	His capacity for innocent enjoyment…
Gilda 	...cent enjoyment…
Carrot 	Is just as great as any honest man.
Gilda 	
Honest man.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother...
Carrot 	...culty smother …
Gilda 	When our vegetary duty's to be done.
Carrot 	To be done.
Gilda 	I'll take one consideration with another.
Carrot 	With another.
Gilda & Carrot 	A carrot's lot is not a happy one.
Singing vegetables 	(harmonizing)
 	The music stops.
Gilda 	Wait a minute. Who are these guys?
Carrot 	They're my back-up group. They travel with me everywhere.
Gilda 	What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart? (grins)
Carrot 	Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.
 	The music of "Modern Major General" resumes.
Carrot 	
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetation, animable— Oh... (the music stops)
Gilda 	Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either.
Carrot 	Maybe I didn't want to make it.
Gilda 	(mocks what he just said)
Carrot 	Why don't you sing, Gilda?
 	Soft music plays.
Gilda 	
Poor wand'ring one,
Though thou hast surely strayed…
Carrot 	Take heart of grace, thy steps, retrace.
Gilda & Carrot 	Poor wand'ring one.
Carrot 	
Poor wand'ring one,
If such poor love as mine …
Gilda 	
Can help me find true peace of mind…
Why, take it, it is...
Gilda & Carrot 	[vocalizing] … It is thine!
 	The music picks up tempo.
Carrot 	Here we go!
 	
Gilda 	I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Carrot 	I've information, vegetable animal and mineral.
Gilda 	I know the kings of England...
Carrot 	And I quote the fights historical...
Gilda & Carrot 	From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
Gilda 	In military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury…
Carrot 	Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century.
Gilda 	But still in matters vegetable…
Carrot 	Animal and mineral…
Gilda & Carrot 	I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Gilda, Carrot & singing vegetables	
But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
 	Applause. The carrot accidentally knocks Gilda to the ground while they bow.
Statler 	You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep. (notices Waldorf dozing off) You too, huh? Heh heh.
==Melodrama==
Kermit 	Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.
 	
 	The curtain opens on a scene of Piggy hanging on the edge of a cliff, as Uncle Deadly watches and cackles. Suspenseful piano music plays.
Miss Piggy 	Help! Oh...
Uncle Deadly	And now, for the last time, my little peach pie, will you marry me?
 	The audience boos and hisses.
Miss Piggy 	Drop dead!
Uncle Deadly	I think that might be my line, my dear. (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	Oh, where, oh, where is my hero? (a beat) I said... Where, oh, where is my hero?
Wayne 	Here I am, my precious. (the audience cheers as he poses)
 	
Wayne 	Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
Miss Piggy 	Never mind, just get me out of here.
Wayne 	(looks down) Say! I know those boots!
Uncle Deadly	Huh?
Wayne 	Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
Uncle Deadly	Why, yes. I was.
Wayne 	Harry's Boom Boom Room?
Uncle Deadly	You've caught my act?
Wayne 	Huh. I never could figure out how you did that "passe double" thing, though.
Miss Piggy 	Paso doble.
Uncle Deadly	Oh, quite simple, my boy, quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
Miss Piggy 	Music?
 	Uncle Deadly displays his fancy footwork as flamenco music plays.
Miss Piggy 	What? Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
Uncle Deadly	Now, you come to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give an extra little flourish! — (holds out his arm) Ha HA!
Miss Piggy 	Hey! … Watch it!
Wayne 	Ha HA! You mean, like this?
 	Wayne tries to do the dance himself.
Miss Piggy 	Whoo-hoo! Ee, ah, hold it! Easy! Down, boy. Ho! Hey! Cool it!
Wayne 	Ha HA!
Uncle Deadly	Almost, almost. No, more like... ha HA!
Wayne 	Ah, aha!
 	They both dance, moving their feet closer and closer to Piggy's hands.
Miss Piggy 	Hey! Hey! Hey Deadly … Hey, wait, hey …
Uncle Deadly	Olé!
Wayne 	Olé!
 	Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Wayne and Deadly exclaim and congratulate each other.
Miss Piggy 	I suppose you think that's funny!
Uncle Deadly	I think you might well start with a new pair of boots.
 	They both depart the scene.
==Backstage==
 	Marvin Suggs directs the little fuzzballs towards the stage.
Marvin Suggs	All right, Muppaphones, move it, move it, move it, move it!!
 	Wayne and Deadly pass by, still dancing.
Wayne 	How am I doing? Any better?
Uncle Deadly	Yes. Yes, you're getting it, you're getting it.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Yeah? Well, you're both gonna get it! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops Deadly, kicks Wayne, and struts off.
==Marvin Suggs==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is time, once again, for a return engagement of the incomparable Marvin Suggs. Uh, I say "incomparable" because I can't imagine anything to compare him to. Ahem. Anyway, here he is with his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs!
 	The curtain opens as a fanfare plays.
Marvin Suggs	Gracias, gracias, gracias. Thank you, s'ank you, and s'ank you! Hal-LO! Yes-ah, I am-ah zee beloved-ah Marvin-ah Suggs-ah! And-a zeze-ah are my Muppaphones-ah… (the little fuzzballs take their positions) Move it, move it, move it!
Muppaphones 	(sotto voices) He's so strict, he's always so …
Marvin Suggs	Silencio! … And n— …
 	He notices the pattern - orange, pink, orange, orange, pink.
Marvin Suggs	Virginia, ah-Stan... exchange-ah.
 	He whacks them and they switch places. Another pink ball runs up.
Pink ball 	Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get a parking space.
Marvin Suggs	Who cares?! (whacks the ball) Thank you, thank you! And-ah now-ah, we will-ah play-ah and-ah sing-ah for you… zee beloved old-ah ballad, "Witch Doctor."
Muppaphones 	(chattering) Oh, but I just had my hair done.
Marvin Suggs	Shut UP!!! (they all hush) Sankyou! Maestro!
 	The orchestra plays.
Marvin Suggs	
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
And then the witch doctor he told me what to do,
Ee say, say—
 	The little fuzzballs yelp as they get whacked.
Muppaphones 	
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Marvin Suggs	S'ank you! S'ank you! Second-ah verse-ah!
My friend, the witch doctor, he taught me what to say.
My friend, the witch doctor, he taught me what to do.
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you,
When I say—
Muppaphones 	
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Marvin Suggs	Modulate!
Muppaphones 	
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Marvin Suggs	I told the witch doctor…
 	BOOM! The witch doctor appears with an explosion, and the orchestra dwindles.
Witch doctor	I told you never to tell anyone! Hoonga matoobi, hui, hui, hui!!
 	
 	In a puff of smoke, Marvin's head turns into a pink fuzzball. The Muppaphones and the witch doctor laugh.
==UK spot==
 	
Female pig 	
Every Saturday, Willie got his pay,
Then he'd call on Nell.
Trousers neatly pressed, and nice, white vest.
Button holed bouquet, as well.
On Nellie's little hat, there was a little bird.,
That little bird knew quite a lot.
Miss Piggy 	It did, upon my word.
Female pig 	
And in its quiet way, it had a lot to say,
As the lovers strolled along.
Miss Piggy 	I'll be your little honey, I can promise that.
Female pig 	Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes.
Bird 	It's a shame to take the money…
Female pig 	Said the bird on Nellie's hat.
Bird 	Last night she said the same to Jimmy Wise.
Female pig 	Then to Nellie, Willy whispered as they fondly kissed...
Willie 	I bet that you were never kissed like that! Heh heh ...
Bird 	Well, you don't know Nellie like I do!
Female pig 	Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat.
Willie 	Oh, it's twelve o'clock…
Female pig 	Said Willie, as he took her home.
Willie 	Now, I bet you're never out as late as that. Hmm?
Bird 	Well, you don't know Nellie like I do!
Female pig 	
Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat.
Autumn came along. Love's young dream gone wrong.
Will went 'round to call.
Servant with a grin said...
Dr. Julius Strangepork	She's not in. Nellie's gone away. That's all.
Female pig 	
Poor Willie's heart was broke. His life seemed all in vain,
Until upon 5th Avenue he met his Nell again.
Said he:
Willie 	We meet once more!
Female pig 	Said she:
Miss Piggy 	
Love's dream is o'er,
But we can still be real good friends.
And I'll keep your presents, honey, just for old times sake.
Female pig 	Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes.
Bird 	She's fixed him good and plenty!
Female pig 	Said the bird on Nellie's hat.
Bird 	Oh, really, Willie, when will you be wise?
Willie 	
Yes, but how about the diamond engagement ring?
Of course,
Female pig 	Said Willie,
Willie 	You'll return me that!
Bird 	Oh, brother…
All 	Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat!
==Muppet Labs==
 	Bunsen examines a glue tube, then notices he's on camera.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh. Ahem. Uh, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today. And here with me, is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.
Gilda 	Thank you, Dr. Honeydew.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Today we have an amazing demonstration. And Gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig.
Gilda 	I have?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Good. That's settled then. Ahem. Oh! I shall need you, too, Beaker. Come on in here.
 	Beaker enters, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Now we're ready to begin.
Gilda 	Uh, listen, Dr. Honeydew, you said "assistant". I never heard you say the word "guinea pig".
Beaker 	(snickers)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Uh, just put your head down here, so Uncle Bunny can work on you.
Gilda 	Well, you see, I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging.
 	She lowers her head towards Bunsen. He dabs a dab onto her forehead.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	M-hmm. There we go. Blink. There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead, a single teensy weensy drop of Muppet's new Super Adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
Statler 	What are we waiting for?
Waldorf 	For it to get tacky.
Statler 	Another first on this show.
Waldorf 	How's that?
Statler 	Well, it's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky!
 	They chuckle.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And with that single drop of glue, I shall stick this rope to Gilda's forehead, and then Beaker and I shall haul on the rope, thus lifting Miss Radner bodily off the floor.
Gilda 	(stands up) No, no no no no. Wait a minute. I can't —
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's okay, Gilda-poo, that's all right. Now, Beaker, I hope you're feeling fit.
 	Beaker demonstrates his fitness by pulling on a chest-exercise coil.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's good. OK... Oh! (notices his hands are stuck to the rag) Uh... Oh, there was glue on the rag.
Gilda 	(picks up the tube) Maybe it says something about a... Oh, wait!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, no, wait. Don't squeeze that tube!
 	
 	Too late! She accidentally squirts glue all over the place.
Gilda 	Oh, I'm sorry... What do we do now?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, let me consult my notes.
 	She notices Beaker, stuck to his coil and yelping.
Gilda 	Oh, you're stuck! Oh, Beaker, wait a minute, here, I'll help you. Wait a minute.
 	Her hand sticks to the coil. She slaps her hand on her forehead, and it sticks as well. Beaker screams. Bunsen grabs the rope, which is stuck to his coat along with some papers, and winds up pulling himself up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Whoa! Whoa! Er, it wasn't meant to go this way. That's all for now from Muppet Labs. Beaker! Help your Uncle Bunny! Whoaaaa…
 	
 	The scene ends in chaos as comical music plays.
Waldorf 	(chuckling) Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Statler 	Well, what glue is that?
Waldorf 	The one they mend the ig with!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit talks on the phone.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, okay. Here she comes now, Mr. Scribbler. I'll ask her. Uh, Gilda?
 	Gilda passes, still stuck to Bunsen and Beaker.
Kermit 	Uh, Gilda, a reporter would like to know, what is the secret of your success?
Gilda 	Kermit, can I talk to you for a second?
 	
Kermit 	(over the phone) Uh, well, I guess you could just say that she has stuck with it.
Gilda 	(mumbling) Oh, yeah, you could say that. (walks off)
Kermit 	And in the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.
 	Beaker springs back towards Gilda. Beaker and Bunsen begin slapping each other.
Gilda 	I've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous.
Kermit 	Okay, well, bye-bye.
 	He notices his hand is stuck to the receiver. Zoot and Rowlf walk by.
Kermit 	Hey, guys, get on stage! (realizes) Oh — the intro! Oh, oh, help.
Miss Piggy	Kermie, my sweet, I was … yes?
Kermit 	Piggy, Piggy, not right now. I'm stuck on the phone... uh … literally.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie, all this work and worry, my frog…
Kermit 	Oh, Piggy don't touch me.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Froggy-poo.
Kermit 	Now I'm stuck on you!
Miss Piggy	Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! (notices she's stuck on him) Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?
Kermit 	(moans)
=="Body and Soul"==
 	Zoot and Rowlf play "Body and Soul," but Rowlf soon starts playing one chord.
 	
Rowlf	Zoot, my fingers are glued to the piano.
 	Zoot toots some sour notes, and notices …
Zoot 	I can't get my saxophone out of my mouth.
Rowlf	Let's get out of here!
 	They drag themselves and their instruments off stage.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet newsflash. The great glue threat is over. The rogue adhesive is under control, but...
 	He notices his hands are stuck to the paper. He walks out, stuck to his chair.
 	
Newsman	Oh, everything is under...
==Backstage==
 	Meanwhile, Piggy is still stuck to Kermit, but now more amorous.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie-poo.
Kermit 	Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Maybe we shall be stuck like this forever.
 	The newsman passes.
Kermit 	I don't think I can go on supporting you that long.
Miss Piggy	Well, if you think I'm gonna go out and work...
 	Kermit tries to get away from her, but to no avail.
Kermit 	Uh, can, can we get the band ready?
Miss Piggy	Get the band ready!
 	The band members pass by them; Kermit still tries to move.
Kermit 	Come on, you guys. Piggy...
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Hey, Floyd, what is Gonzo doing back there?
Floyd 	Oh, he's watching television.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, shouldn't he be further from the screen?
Floyd 	Nope. His eyes are glued to the set.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, my...
 	Kermit and Piggy continue to play tug-of-war with each other.
Kermit 	Fozzie, would you introduce the next number? (the struggle continues)
=="Tap Your Troubles Away"==
Fozzie	Oh, boy.. Uh, hi. We're having a little trouble back here, but uh, that's okay, that's okay. Let's just give a great big hand for our very special guest star. Oh, no, my hand is stuck... Uh... Uh... miss Gilda Radner.
 	He screams as the curtain pulls him up. The band starts playing as Gilda, still stuck to the coil and with a hand stuck to her forehead and the other stuck to one shoe, gingerly makes her way through a rendition of "Tap Your Troubles Away". She soon realizes she can put the shoe on. During her tap solo, she swings Beaker from one side of the stage to another and back. A piece of the set sticks to her back, and floorboards stick to her shoes. At the very end, her other hand sticks to the wall.
 	
==Goodnights==
 	A huge glob of moaning Muppets, and Gilda, make their way to the stage.
Kermit 	To the left, to the left. Keep going, keep going. A little bit more. Keep going a little bit more... To the left. Hold it, hold it. Too far. Back a little bit. Back, back, back. Okay, that about does it for another regular, nothing out of the ordinary, everything under control Muppet Show. And uh, somewhere back amongst us is our very special guest star. Uh, she's the one behind us here, Miss Gilda Radner! Yaaay!
 	Applause.
 	
Gilda 	Thanks, Kermit, it's been great. I just can't seem to tear myself away.
Kermit 	Yeah, okay, uh, well, that's all for now, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Okay, everybody bow.
 	They all strain to bow as the credits roll.
Statler 	Goodnight.
Waldorf 	So long.
 	They both notice that they're stuck to the balcony.
Statler & Waldorf	Oh, no!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts