HHW: Pirates of the Indian Ocean

:Originally posted on the 19th edition of Hypothetical Hurricane News and written with the help of a fantastic AI
Somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean, there was a small boat. In this boat there was a man by the name of StrawberryMaster, aka SM. SM was taking a much-needed vacation after being laid off, and there was no better place than the middle of nowhere to take a vacation.
"Ah! What a beautiful day" SM remarked. "After so many years, I can finally take a vacation and make puns without people saying they're bad. And absolutely nothing can ruin this day-"
Just as he said that, he noticed from the distance that a ship was approaching.
"I wonder what ship this could be? Oh, it's got to be one of those newfangled cruise ships. I don't like cruise ships. They give me a rash, just like the old Atlantic Breeze did. Poor thing." The Atlantic Breeze didn't last long and sunk under mysterious circumstances, confirming that the cruise ship business was a giant Ponzi scheme.
The boat was moving closer, and closer. SM put on his reading glasses and took a closer look. "Now I notice that a lot of those people are dressed like pirates. Oh well, that's bad. They might be into it. Maybe I should go meet them? They could use some help with their luggage. I know I have some room in my trunk."
Unfortunately for SM, as the boat approached, he realized the people there were probably pirates after all. One of them saw him and shouted, "Ahoy, you there! What are you doing in our waters?"
"I'm on vacation," SM replied. "This is my boat." However, one of the pirates recognized him. "Hey, it's SM! Capture him and keep him as a hostage!" It didn't take long until he was captured by the pirates and sent to their pirate ship of sorts, a small wooden boat. They chained him to the floor and began interrogating him.
"SM! It's me, Michael. I told you to join us in our pirate adventure, but you said you were too busy. And then we discover you were just being lazy, eh? How do you think that will be received? Oh well, it's a long trip to the Ivory Coast, and it's not like we're actually going to kill you.
"I swear! I was busy! I was!"
"That's good, because I hear it's the devil's own job to keep this boat going. It's really more of a glorified canoe with a motor. Still, it's better than walking, eh?" Michael asked. "What's the hold-up, NXSA? Can't this thing go any faster?"
"Sorry!" said NXSA, with a terrified face. "This is as fast as this boat can go. If I could get my hands on that wheel, I'd speed this thing up in a heartbeat. Sadly, it's out of my reach. Maybe you should try talking to him again? I know he's a bit of a softy."
"Softy, my foot!" he replied, angered.
"Him?" asked a confused SM.
"Oh, that's just Fabian. Say hi, Fabian!"
Fabian looks on from the doorway. "Sorry, I hate North America fans," he said.
As time passed, the other pirates fooled around and got high on some mints (making 2015 Doug proud) and began to argue amongst themselves, leaving the chained SM to entertain himself. Tired of the shenanigans, SM managed to unchain himself after a few minutes of trying and decided to sneak in the pirate's cabin, managing to send a distress call using his little knowledge of Morse code.
"Help! I'm in trouble! Over... out... over."
After that, he decided to chain himself again (to not cause suspicion) and took a nap. Unfortunately for him, he was forced to wake up in the middle of the night to entertain his fellow crewmates (or, well, captors) with stories he created.
"And then Satan revealed himself to me, and we had this great Yu-Gi-Oh! card battle, greatsword versus pitchfork, and I won. And then-"
"And then what, exactly?" asked Michael.
"And then the pitchfork pierced his heart, of course. Tragic, I'd say, but he's fine now. That's the way it ends. I can't make this stuff up. Hey, can I have some water?"
The next day, the crew was surprised when, thanks to SM's distress call, a rescue vessel arrived. It was the MV Clorinda, a cruise ship with an unusual yellow coloring. What happened afterward was expected: the pirate ship's crew was caught and imprisoned, the pirate vessel was confiscated, and the pirates and captives were transported to the nearest port for trial. (Except NXSA, who was reportedly sent to Davy Jones' locker.) SM, just like in the other five events that unfolded over the previous years, managed to get away unscathed. And not too long after that, he was in his good old Brazilian home.
"Wow! What an adventure that was. Now I just need to release an album, and I'll be able to retire before I'm thirty! What will I do with all this fame and fortune? I have no idea. Or maybe I do..."
THE END