Extremists on Both Sides of the Ocean

Extremists on Both Sides of the Ocean is the seventh episode of Season One of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode starts with a rally in the centre of Bikini Bottom, attended by around 30 fish. The rally is led by none other than Fred Rechid, who is yelling into a megaphone.]
Fred Rechid: The elite have a conspiracy! They want to get rid of the fish in this country! The very backbone of this country will be gone in the next 50 years! They are trying to replace us with crabs, squirrels, squids and worse of all, SPONGES! We can’t let that happen, can we?
[The crowd cheers.]
Fred: Are we gonna take this lying down?
Crowd: NO!
Fred: Then who do we love?
Crowd: FISH!
Fred: And who do we hate?
Crowd: DAMN NEAR EVERYONE ELSE!
Fred: That’s right! Now make sure to purchase a blue “Make Bikini Bottom Carp Again” cap on your way out.
[The Krusty Krab, closed with a sign on the door saying “Not open due to risk of harm to property–I mean, customers”, is being mopped by Squidward. SpongeBob, sitting on a bench near the front of the restaurant, is looking wearily outside of the window.]
Squidward: Come on, crybaby, the Fish Defence League is just bluffing. We’re safe here in the liberal part of town.
[A Molotov cocktail is thrown into the window of the Krab, and explodes on contact with the floor, stunning Squidward to the point where he is flattened on the floor.]
Squidward: [dismayed] I stand corrected.
SpongeBob: We need to make sure Mr. Krabs is going to ensure the safety of his customers!
Squidward: [staggering back up] What about the workers?
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Good one, Squidward.
[Bubble transition to a meeting in a dull, dusty room. It’s mostly obscured by darkness except for a wide table, draped in a red cloth, sitting under a chandelier that only allows for brief flickers of light. Seated at the head of the table is Fred Rechid.]
Fred: FDL role call. Harold.
Harold: Here!
Fred: Nat.
Nat: President.
Fred: Old Man Jenkins.
Jenkins: Where am I?
Fred: Incidental 12.
Incidental 12: I have a name.
Fred: And of course…
[A figure crawls from the darkness to reveal himself at the end of the table.]
Fred: Gary the Snail.
Gary: Meow.
Harold: Hey, why do we keep this guy on the team? He’s literally a snail, bro.
Nat: There’s good people on both sides, Harold.
Fred: Order! Gary has donated more to the FDL than the rest of us combined, so he very well deserves his place at the head committee. [clears throat] Now, I gathered you here today to discuss how we can–
[The episode cuts to a test card with an elongated beeping noise, as a caption reads: "The Teal Horizon Company does not allow for literal terrorism plots discussed in great deal on their networks. Cowardice, I say.” We then return to the Krab, but now in Mr. Krabs’ room, wherein he has a full desk, covered by his laptop, stacks of money, and an ashtray. Krabs is wearing his glasses and smoking a cigarette whilst browsing an article full of statistics about rising racial hatred in Bikini Bottom. He keeps on switching tabs between the article and a PDF displaying the economic status of the Krusty Krab. It reads “Unpaid Debt: $MORBILLION”. Krabs takes a puff.]
Krabs: Oh, me business is ruined!
[Krabs starts to sob as he takes off his glasses and rubs off the moisture with a tissue, before a knocking is heard on the door. Krabs, in a panic, jumps from his desk and grabs a shotgun from under it… only for the door to open and show SpongeBob on the other side.]
Krabs: Oh! Sorry, me boy, I thought you were one of those supremafish.
SpongeBob: Well, sir, that’s exactly what I’ve come here to talk about. A bomb was just thrown into the window of the Krab, and Squidward was seriously hurt! 
Krabs: Oh, barnacles, that’s another couple thousand in repairs.
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs, I’m not here to ask you to repair the window. I want you to take a stance against the supremafish.
Krabs: SpongeBoy me Bob, I’m already ruined. I’m a morbillion dollars in debt, lad, and the business’ll only last another two days if we have to keep it closed amidst all this terrorism. Like me Grandpappy always used to say, it’s better if we go out not with a bang, but a whimper.
SpongeBob: These fish extremists want you dead, Mr. Krabs! They want to turn Bikini Bottom into an ethnostate consisting of just fish! Isn’t that right, Gary? Wait, why is Gary here?
[Gary, in paramilitary uniform, has a machine gun in his mouth and is shooting from outside the window. Krabs and SpongeBob duck under the desk.]
Krabs: SpongeBob, if these are our last moments, I have to confess. I have a massive crush on Squ–
Sandy: [offscreen] Hii-yah!
[Gary is kicked to the wall of the room by one impassioned kick from Sandy Cheeks, his shell breaking into shards and falling like fragments on the floor.]
Sandy: You’re welcome, Krabs. The Bikini Bottom Corps won’t be saving your cheeks for longer if you don’t start taking a stand against the FDL.
Krabs: Well, I do owe my life to the BBC. You got a deal, sexy squirrel woman. 
[He stands up and shakes Squirrel’s hand with his claw.]
Krabs: We start tomorrow.
[A title card appears that says “The Next Day…” and we then see the Krusty Krab in full defense mode. Tanks appear on the road just outside of its premises, guarded by Pearl and Larry the Lobster, in full military uniform. The door is guarded by a metal fence, and Squidward is standing on the roof repeating a cheerleader slogan into a megaphone.]
Squidward: The Fish Defense League is wack! I’m smoking on that Gary pack!
[Inside the Krusty Krab, we see Krabs, Sandy and SpongeBob in full regalia. SpongeBob is sitting on a table crying.]
SpongeBob: I can’t believe Gary would betray me like that! And now he’s dead…
Krabs: Oh, pucker up, boy. We have some racists to kill.
[Bubble transition to the FDL HQ, wherein the table is now missing its wealthiest and most unbefitting member.]
Fred: We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our dear friend, Gary the Snail.
[A brief silence mists the table before Harold cracks a slight chuckle, and he, Nat and Incidental 12 burst into simultaneous laughter, drowning out Fred’s sighing protest and whatever Old Man Jenkins is on.]
Jenkins: What is a snail?
Fred: ORDER! 
[Fred stands up and the laughter stops.]
Fred: Now if we don’t want to honestly mourn our partner in crime, we can at least mock someone we all agree is an idiot. Mr. Krabs.
[The laughter returns to a slight chuckle as Fred hooks up his laptop to a projector, and starts showing photographs of the armed Krab.]
Fred: Krabs and his team of ranging loony leftists have gone full SJW mode. They think that we plan to commit terrorism at their restaurant. Now, that’s not exactly off the table, if you get what I’m saying, but listen, it’s bad business to do something so violent so public. We’ll leave that to the freelancers. No, the kind of terrorism we’re planning for this weekend is of a different ilk. Time to commit… media terrorism.
[A news jingle plays and we transition to a news set, in which one curved table is being filmed with red, white and blue graphic designs flashing behind it. The grey table has some paperwork at the centre but is otherwise mostly blank. A film trailer-esque narrator starts speaking the praises of this news network, as the screen flashes through several camera angles of the desk, and three separate commentators coming in to sit down whilst the narrator speaks.]
Narrator: Time to tune in to what the media won’t tell you. The most censored, the most demonised, yet the most TRUTHFUL news show in this nation. The FDL presents: Fish Table Talk!
[A brassy news jingle plays once again as the camera zooms into the central commentator.]
Fish Commentator: Hello, everybody, I’m Anchovy Jones and welcome to the INFOSHORES DOT COM EXCLUSIVE Fish Table Talk, where we show you what BBN does not want to show you. Today, we will focus on the failing business of the Krusty Krab making our former ally and alpha male Eugene Krabs turn to woke-blooded socialism. I am sitting here today with Mackerel Yiannopoulos to my right…
[Mackerel Yiannopoulos does the gay hand movement.]
Anchovy Jones: …and to my left, Nick Flounder.
[Nick Flounder does the Nazi salute, before the camera quickly cuts back to Anchovy Jones.]
Anchovy: Now, Mackerel, what do you think of all this? Of course, you used to be a donor to Krabs’ businesses.
Mackerel Yiannopoulos: [with an exaggeratedly gay British accent] Well, honestly it’s quite sad in my opinion that when his business was failing - likely because yours truly didn’t want to fund such a cheapskate anymore - he resorted to being one of those liberal snowflakes. You can see how he’s gone all militarist… I mean, I love a man in uniform myself but–
[Mackerel catches the eye of Nick Flounder, who is giving him a death stare.]
Mackerel: I just think it’s disgraceful. If this is the left’s version of a celebrity, they’re gonna need to try harder.
Anchovy: Oh, sorry to interrupt, Mr. Yiannopoulos, but we have a caller on the line. They sent a message saying their name is Master Crobes, now what have you got to say about all this SJW nonsense?
Master Crobes: [on call] Yes, hello, I was wondering if you could play that song again. 
Anchovy: Uh, we have not played any songs yet, sir.
Master Crobes: The one that goes “wee-ooh-wee-ooh-wee-ooh-wee-ooh…”
[Master Crobes continues to imitate the “song” as the far-right commentators share confused looks.]
Nick Flounder: Sieg h–
[Mackerel camply bitch-slaps Nick, which distracts Anchovy, who does not notice a police car has crashed into his studio, with Crobes’ “singing” fading smoothly into the actual police sirens. It smashes into the table they’re sitting at, knocking Mackerel out of his seat (he flops onto the ground). Anchovy, covering his eyes in the debris, coughs and checks if the coast is clear. He pulls out a pistol from his suit pocket and aims it at the police car, which appears to have been hijacked, though it’s practically in rubble due to the crash. Mr. Krabs walks out of the car, holding Gary’s corpse without his shell, repurposed as a machine gun with Communist insignia coating it, which confuses Anchovy enough for him to drop his aim.]
Nick: [whispering] …Krabs.
Krabs: Say hello to my little friend.
[Krabs cocks the Gary gun, and before he starts firing, the SpongeBob end credits theme starts playing, drowning out all of the oncoming violence. He fires a round of bullets at Anchovy Jones, which misses entirely, leading Anchovy to pick his gun back up and shoot a few bullets at Krabs, only for SpongeBob to jump in front, with all of the bullets landing in his holes. Krabs notices this, places the Gary gun in his holster, and picks up SpongeBob, twisting his left leg like a music box to inflate him, before punching him in the ass and releasing the four bullets on all corners of the studio, piercing all three commentators, as well as one of the camerafish. The other camerafish catches his colleague in his hands as he, wounded in his eye, now gushing with blood, falls down, before kicking his now-deceased co-worker to the ground and running up to punch Mr. Krabs, but not before Krabs pinches his elbow with his big meaty claws and twists violently, bringing the camerafish to his knees before Krabs effortlessly drags the limb off, leading the fish dripping subtly with blood. He mouthes “Please…” before Krabs sticks the arm in his mouth and down into his stomach, with it popping out of his belly button, exploding with blood that covers Krabs, though he doesn’t seem to mind, licking his lips clean of the blood on his mouth. Whilst Krabs is occupied, the three commentators, all struggling in the corner, congregate. Nick Flounder was shot in the chest, Anchovy in the head, and Mackerel in the throat. They inadvertently coat each other with their blood in attempts to stop each other from bleeding. Nick projectile vomits onto Mackerel, who takes his hand off of Anchovy’s wound to wipe it off, meaning that his face simply gets covered with blood instead of puke. A tentacle appears that cracks on Mackerel’s back, causing two teeth to fall out. The camera pans to reveal Squidward in full dominatrix gear, who then uses his tentacles as a lasso, gathering it around the guys’ necks and squeezing until they suffocate to death. Suddenly, part of the roof collapses in the left corner of the studio, with a ladder coming down to reveal Fred Rechid, Harold, Nat and Incidental 12 arriving from a green military helicopter branded with Nazi symbols and a banner that reads “TROUT BOYS”. Old Man Jenkins falls out of the helicopter hopelessly like a fucking idiot and presumably dies. Fred jumps off the ladder and onto Krabs, straddling his legs around Krabs’ eyes, leading Krabs to have an unexpected struggle. Meanwhile, Harold is wrestling on the ground with Sandy and Nat attempts to push his body into Larry the Lobster as if he were playing American football, only for Larry to completely tank the attack and grip his claws onto Nat’s test, tearing him into two with one stretch. All of the FDL members are in camouflage like any good paramilitary, resembling Vladimir Putin’s “little green men” from the Russo-Ukrainian War. Back to the right corner of the room, Sandy karate-chops Harold’s head, dizzying him and leading him to fall onto the ground. Sandy stomps onto his chest and spits on him. Incidental 12 is grappling with Patrick Star, and they both struggle to land any hits until SpongeBob slides in and juggles the two with his bizarrely large spatulas. After a while of juggling the two, he safely lands Patrick onto one of his spatulas whilst propelling Incidental 12 to the ground. Patrick leaps off the spatula as SpongeBob moves out of the way, allowing Patrick to lay a brutal smackdown, kicking him into the ground and ruthlessly punching him in the head. Amidst all the bloodshed, and may I remind you, the SpongeBob ending credits theme is still playing, Mr. Krabs is still struggling with Fred, who pulls out a grenade and throws it into the centre of the studio. Krabs pushes Fred off of his eyes and takes a deep breath for a moment, realising that he had led his mercenaries to a suicide mission. He backs up, with SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick, Sandy and Larry gathering to each side of him. They all prepare themselves for the inevitable and drop their weapons… before all of a sudden, Fred Rechid, whom they are all facing, starts choking amidst the release of an unclear translucent gas that doesn’t seem to affect any of the pro-democracy fighters. They all exchange befuddled looks before Plankton, wearing a propeller backpack, hovers down to the scene with a can of “RACIST FISH EXTERMINATOR SPRAY”. The music finally stops as Plankton reaches the ground.]
Krabs: Plankton, you… you saved us.
Plankton: Don’t worry about it, Eugene. We’re all in this fight together. Hey, what’s this?
[Plankton eyes up the grenade, smelling it.]
Plankton: Ooh, chum flavour.
SpongeBob: NO! Plankton, don’t!
[Despite SpongeBob’s protests, Plankton devours the grenade in one piece, swallowing it whole.]
Plankton: Well, that was delicious. Someone must have used the Krabby Patty Secret Formul–
[Plankton explodes, leaving a splatter of green blood all over the gang. Squidward starts chuckling, before they all burst into their signature laughs and 80s sitcom-esque lounge music plays. White text appears in the centre of the screen as the scene comes to a pause. It reads: “In Loving Memory of Donald J. Trump”. Soon, the screen fades to black and the episode ends.]
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