News Flash

Forward: All persons. places, and events in these "news stories" are FICTIONAL! They are part of a game and are not intended as reporting any version of fact. Any association with the truth is purely snark.
=2011=
==8-25-11==
FNN -- Rochester, MN -- Cloned Organ Transplants! -- Mayo Clinic introduced to the world Ms. Mary Troust. Ms. Troust 24 is remarkable as she is the first person in the world to receive a cloned heart. The organ is not a cadaver transplant as has been the issue in the past, but a matrix grown organ made from Ms. Troust's own stem cells. "There is no danger of rejection" said Dr. Berriden of the Mayo Clinic. "In the future we will be able to produce any organ to order, any organ of the body, any bone, any muscle. We will repair ourselves with ourselves. No one need be disfigured, no one need be disabled. Today is a first. It will be followed by many more until a day like today is commonplace."
<BR> 
==10-23-11==
AP Wire -- New York -- Oil Crashes! -- The price of Oil has dropped to 25 dollars a barrel in an unprecedented fall. 
----
MessyNBC -- Pasadena -- Nomad -- JPL Robotics Director Dr. Jackson Roykirk is pleased to announce the approval of the Nomad series of super-luminal probes to seek out life in near by star systems. The first of the Nomads should be ready within two years with the propulsion system and control module based on the successful WX-100 robotic test craft.
----
ABC News -- Mobile Alabama -- Tanker Relief Sought The State of Alabama has filed for relief from the presence of three very large crude carriers I.E. supertankers that have been anchored off the coast of Mobile for 60 days. The Coast Guard has been requested to move the tankers as they pose a risk in the current hurricane season.
----
FNN -- Long Beach -- Faster than Light Test -- The Warp Drive Project has announced that the manned WX-200 craft is ready for testing. Test Pilot Susan Anderson has been chosen as the pilot for the first fight. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Gagarin City -- The Challenger Class -- United States Space Command has announced that the first Challenger Class Cruiser is ready for fight testing. The vessel to be named USS Francis R. Scobee will begin its contractor's shake down cruise within the month. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Flying Car Rules -- The FAA has announced emergency rules for flying cars. A new category of wingless aircraft using Anti-Gravity that will be classed Experimental has been set up. The FAA is requiring that all persons wishing to operate wingless anti-gravity craft (WAGC) be licensed to do so. All such craft must also pass an FAA inspection.
----
Wired -- Schenectady, New York -- Solo Buildings -- The General Electric Co has announced the "Solo System" Krellite cell for total household use. Combined with the standard electrical grid connection it assures an uninterrupted source of household current for the whole house in the event of any interruption in service for a week or more depending on instillation. The Solo System can also be combined with local power generation of wind, solar or other methods. Prices for the Solo System will run form 3000 to 20,000 dollars depending on duration, current delivered, and other options.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Get Aliens Out -- Representative Blaine Luckemeyer (TR) MO 9 has called on Congress to remove all Aliens from the United States as being a risk to National Security. Luckemeyer has also introduced a bill to ban teleportation without a license and a flight plan.
<BR> 
==12-10-11==
FNN -- Paris, France -- Archive Dump -- The archives of the French Atomic Energy Commission have been dumped onto the public net. They can be found at the following URLs. Sources have indicated that these are genuine documents. They date from the 1950s to the current date. Warning the archive is shifting in location constantly, the urls given will take you there. The French government is desperately trying to find and seize the source files.
----
BBC International -- Changsha, Huan -- Nationhood -- Huan has declared itself a nation in fact and is willing to be recognized and recognize other nations. Huan has stated it is a total break with the Beijing Maoist government. Beijing of course is not pleased and is promising five kinds of hot reprisal to any nation that recognizes Huan.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Coco Beach, Fl -- Families Welcome -- NASA has announced that Tranquility Science Station Von Bran family wing has opened early.
----
ABC News -- New York, NY -- The Tellerites are here! -- The Telleite trade mission continues its tour of the Earth. We are pleased to say that the Tellerites have been getting warm welcomes were ever they go.
<BR> 
=2012=
==4-23-12==
BBC International -- Beijing -- Chinese Empire! -- (Triumphant martial music.) "The gallant forces of Emperor Chow Yung have taken the city and ousted the tired remnants of the criminal Maoist rebels. (Images of people destroying the huge portraits of the Communist leaders in Tinaman square.) The Dragon Throne is restored. Chow Yung is the Father of the Chinese people, and urges the provinces to unite peacefully under his benevolent rule." (Images of Chow Yung receiving the elders of the city. Maidens dance and twirl ribbons.)
Independent press is reporting that the remaining leaders of the Maoist government were paraded in the square and beheaded publicly. Chow Yung has taken residence in the palaces of the Forbidden City. It has once again been closed to the public.
(Images of Chow Yung show a powerfully built Oriental man. He is wearing Yellow robes of the late imperial style.)
<BR> 
==6-18-12==
MessyNBC -- New York Taiwan is Back -- The United Nations today announced that The Republic of Taiwan is to be reseated in the General Assembly under its own name. The China Question remains a difficult issue. The move was objected to "in the strongest terms" by the Imperial government of Beijing.
----
BBC International -- Caracas, Venezuela -- New Government Installed -- Venezuela installed the new elected government. They are holding all international agreements under review. Recovery from the recent civil war continues.
The new government has announced that it will no longer deal with the United States DEA. They are also dealing with the issue of dropping oil prices. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- French Moves -- France is pushing the EU to recognize the Successor States as they have done. "Greater china is dead." said spokespersons for the French Government. It is time we come to grips with that reality."
----
FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- Barnard Star Discoveries -- The Warp Drive Project Mission to Barnard Star continues to find exciting new discoveries. Captain Edgar Eager and crew are the Heroes of the hour.
<BR> 
==11-26-12==
AP Wire -- Kennedy Space Center -- ARCHEOLOGY ON MARS! -- A confirmed archeological site has been found at a currently undisclosed location. Ground penetrating radar is indicating a sizable settlement under the sands. Who or what built this location is not known, but speculation that is related to the "Iconian Bowl" cannot be ruled out.
----
FNN -- Seoul, South Korea -- Pyongyang Vanishes! -- Pyongyang, North Korea has vanished from the map. There has been no reported detonation from any source but the entire city is missing. Satellite images show an undisturbed circle of land where the heart of Pyongyang once was. The remainder of the city is untouched and looks undamaged. There has been no comment from North Korea.
----
AP Wire -- Moon -- Corps of Discovery Moving Out -- The Corps of Discovery has initiated missions to explore the immediate area of our stellar neighborhood. Public Relations Manager Anthony Allion has announced that three missions are ongoing to discover and get to know our Stellar neighbors. Results will be announced as they are made keeping with the policy of truth and openness started by the Warp Drive Project. "Succeed or fail the people of Earth are right there with us.¨ Said Mr Allion,
----
LA Times -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Greyhawken Violence -- Prudence Libra former producer for the ongoing National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition has answered question from the LA Times regarding that Expedition. Chief among her replies is the statement that "Greyhawkens are weapon and violence crazed loons that we should have nothing to do with." said Ms. Libra. "They openly carry weapons and brandish them frequently." Ms. Librea is calling for the end of the highly dangerous Expedition and ending contact with the world.
Molly Abba was sought for comment and relied "Persons of weak character should not have their statements taken at face value." Asked about they reported level of violence: "No worst than any city on Earth and less so due to the fact weapons are openly carried." Said Mrs Abba.
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Diplomatic News -- The Ane Confederation has announced diplomatic missions to Vegaris (one House Osgui) Vulcan, Kentari, and Teller. 
<BR> 
=2013=
==6-4-13==
FNN -- Olympic City Mars -- United Persons Announced -- Calling themselves the United Persons Olympic City residents have declared they are a body politic separate from any Earth nation and holding forth no leaders.
Today they have released their Document of Consent of the United Parties of Olympic City. Within they have enacted the Sentient Rights Agreement as a founding principle of their community.
So far no Earth government has reacted to this declaration.
----
MessyNBC -- Redmond, Wa. -- New Security Measures -- Messysoft has announced its new AwareSecurity system designed to prevent AI attack on non AI systems. "AwareSecirity which will run on all Winders 9 systems will absolutely prevent any AI hacking attempts on Winders 9 and later systems. Those that have not upgraded to Winders 9, which will run on any trilogic system should do so at once" said MessySort Chairman Steve Baller.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- New Drug Polices -- President Robert M. Russel has stated that the administration will continue to not enforce the current drug laws unless force was used in any fashion. President Russel again called Drug Prohibition a total failure that has twisted our society worse then the problem it was suppose to stop, and something that should end now. He once again called on Congress to change the law accordingly.
President Russel has come under increasingly heavy fire for his blanket pardons of non-violent drug offenders.
----
Faux News -- New Orleans, La -- Federal Failure -- The FBI is coming under increasing fire for not halting the rampant crime and violence that have broken out since the failure of the New Orleans local government due to the efforts of the anarchist PAC ARM. The rule of arms enforced by the inhumans of the DSH has not brought the city to any degree of greater order. "President Russel is directly responsible for this failure" said Elder Statesmen Carl Rove
<BR> 
==8-23-13==
AP Wire -- The Moon -- ADF Leaves Solar Patrol -- The ADF has officially announced that they are bowing out of the Solar Patrol. Sufficient locals have been trained and are qualified to continue the service under Earth control. The Corps of Discovery is now in total command.
----
FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- New Specification -- The Eyrian Navy has issued a specification for a fusion reactor/electrical generating plant that is under 10 foot high, 10 foot wide and 40 foot long. Several companies have placed bids.
----
Wired -- Dallas, Texas -- Tricorders Announced -- Texas Instruments has announced the production of what they are calling Tricorder three. A one man usable tricorder smaller than a briefcase. It has a pistol grip format and weight of about three pounds. Orders are being accepted.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Discovery Announcements -- The Discovery Channel has announced the new series "Discovering Kentari" to air next year. The show is currently in production. Unstated is the clear intent to compete with the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition that is taking the entertainment world by storm.
----
BBC International -- Vatican City -- New Papal Council -- Pope Francis has called Concilium Oecumenicum Vaticanum Tribus. The agenda has not been announced, but the Enlightenment Movement that has been sweeping religion in general is bound to be a point of discussion. The Pope had no comment about the agenda 
prior to the Council.
<BR> 
==12-30-13==
FNN -- Paris -- Atlantic Crossing -- Martin Paul McPhly has crossed the Atlantic ocean non-stop from New York to Paris in a modified minivan named the Gravity Bullet. McPhly following the same route that Lindbergh used in 1927 covered the distance in 26 hours and 46 minutes.
The Gravity Bullet was equipped with extra krellite cells, a camp toilet and, of course, a full GPS suite. McPhly stated of his feat: "We cannot reduce the heroism of Lindbergh. This was a mere stunt. Something that in a few years anyone will be able to do in the family car. I read most of the trip."
<BR> 
=2014=
==5-14-14==
Chicken Noddle News -- Denton, Texas -- New Trucks -- The Peterbuilt company has announced that the 2015 krellite powered "Land Cruiser" will include full auto navigation and auto drive. There is a high degree of concern among consumer protection organizations over the proliferation of auto drive technologies. 
----
FNN -- Tallahassee, Fl. -- Police Lose Guns! -- A state "No Lethal" law identical to those passed in Louisiana, New York, and Illinois has been introduced in the state legislature in both houses. Both bills have heavy bi-partisan support and multiple sponsors. The recent entirely one sided shootout in Miami-Dale county is cited as the incident that sparked this move. The initial suspect and a totally innocent man were killed in a literal hail of bullets that also wounded two police officers. Neither suspect was armed. Eye witnesses reported the men in the suspect car were trying to surrender when the police fired nearly 400 rounds into the car and everything around it. "The police are totally out of control and cannot be trusted with the public safety." said State senator Paul Resoun (B) the bill author.
In a directly related move Governor Jeff Shrub has called for all involved officers to be decertified with firearms. He has ordered the Attorney General to pull the CCW permits of every officer involved in the shoot out. 'this is unconscionable, and unreasonable for the pubic to be at greater risk form the police that the criminals." said Governor Jeff Shrub. The Miami-Dale Police officers' Union refused comment.
----
MessyNBC -- Dearborn, MI -- The Crown Victoria Returns -- Ford Motor Company has announced that the Crown Victoria mark will be reintroduced for 2015 as an anti gravity ground car with full auto drive standard.
----
Discovery News -- Holllyweird, Ca -- New Discovery Series -- The Discovery Network announced the "Interstellar Discovery" series filmed in cooperation with the Corps of Discovery. It will begin is September 2014. This stunning series will highlight the amazing work of the Corps of Discovery in illuminating the worlds in our own stellar neighborhood." said Discovery Spokesperson Mary Thorth. The series is to be presented in a semi-documentary style highlighting the individual discoveries of various crews rather than following a single crew. It was noted that 90% of space travel is very boring.
----
Nat Geo -- Washington DC -- TV Announcements -- The National Geographic Society has confirmed the second season of the runaway hit series 'The National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition". The crews are currently in hiatus. "We got enough film in the first six months of the expedition to give us six years of weekly shows. 52 weeks of weekly shows per year. Not just great TV but we have a stunning amount of science." stated spokesman and expedition member Dr. Craig Lee Fetours. Dr. Fetours also stated that he would be taking a less forward place in the show. "Mikki Ashby is a natural. No point in messing with that."
Also announced that they will continue the popular interview show "Helenanna" featuring the Centaur Helenanna interviewing various celebrities. HUFF has continued its protest of the objectification of the Centaur Helenanna in her lack of dress. Helenanna when asked for comment stated "They can stuff it up their twat, they are not using them for anything else.". Nao Geo backed her statements as genuine. "We don't pay her to be politically correct." said an unnamed spokesperson.
----
Faux News -- Boston, Ma -- Tom Swift Strikes Again -- Local Maker and political crank Tom Swift is suing the State of Massachusetts over the "road use" taxes. "My AG ground car does not impact the road at any point." Stated Mr Swift. "Why should I pay for road services I don't need? Concrete, gravel, lawn, plowed or unplowed it doesn't matter." further Added Mr. Swift. The State declined comment on pending lawsuits.
<BR> 
==6-3-14==
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- BOA Announces Further Disservices -- Bank of America has announced the opening of the New ABC Data center. A true 21st century innovative approach to banking. 
The 25 million dollar data center will run the Advance Banking Client. A new generation of ATM that can handle all tasks currently done by tellers. Opening accounts to cashier’s checks. As the ABC is rolled out a convenient five dollar fee will be changed to access the few remaining Human beings that are not getting huge executive bonuses.
----
BBC International -- Tokyo -- Soni Subspace -- Soni Corporation has announced the world wide subspace accessible Soni Network. The Soni Network is no longer for games only but is designed to function as a full service Internet service provider for both Ethernet and subspace routers.
Soni has also announced a six month promotion in which all laptop, desktop and Soni Entertainment systems will come with an internal or external subspace router.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Dover, De -- Standard Bankruptcy -- The Standard Oil Company has filed for chapter 11 reorganization in the Federal Court. Company spoke persons cite the falling demand for oil.
----
Rolling Stone -- Toronto, Canada -- Berber a Mouse! -- Spokespersons for Justin Berber regretfully have confirmed that the troubled pop star has been turned into a Mouse. They are refusing further comment "at this time".
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Thunderbirds are GO! -- The Solar Patrol has announced that six new stations designated Thunderbird One through Six will be placed in mid Earth orbit. They are equipped with multiple transporters and will be used for rescue situations without regard to persons or national origin. The six stations recently arrived from El Nanth on the ADF Gunga Din, having been built at Builder Station shipyards by the Ane Confederation.
----
Al Jazup -- Moscow -- Russian Elections -- The result of the Russian national elections are in and in a surprise move Deniska Rogdanov of the Russian Monarchists Party has taken the polling by storm.
<BR> 
==6-4-14==
Irrational Inquisitor -- Cuppertino, Ca. -- He Will not Stop! -- the ghost of Steve Jobs manifested in Fruit HQ. The apparition raged at Fruit for making subspace transceivers and tricorders too large and clunky. "THINNER! THINNER!!" Job's anguished spirit howled from beyond the grave.
One engineer who asked not to be identified, showed white hair and a traumatized thousand yard stare. "He tormented me and showed me hell itself. But I think I got a couple of ideas." When asked why he stayed, the engineer replied "For what they're paying? Are you kidding?"
Fruit is reportedly days away from announcing their own Fruit subspace network, exclusively for iFruit products.
Fruit stock jumped at the news.
<BR> 
==6-11-14==
AP Wire: -- Washington DC -- Call for Refugees -- The Ane Confederation has announced that the ADF Gunga Din is shortly arriving with space for 50,000 refugees. At this time the refugee slots are open to all not just those with technical skills. The Ane Embassy indicates that this will be the situation from now on. Contact the Ane Embassy for details.
----
Chicken Noddle News: -- Tulsa Ok -- Stunners Gone Wild -- An incident in Tulsa Ok. is being called a "Stunner Riot" by local police. A violent incident at a local street fair triggered a barrage of phaser beams as bystanders got dragged into the incident. Police are refraining from comment until they get a better handle on the breakdown of the situation.
----
FNN: -- Doha, Qatar -- Revolution! -- Qatar has broken out in total revolution. As of 9:00 AM local time from all indications the guest workers, maintained in slave conditions had all the guns, and the local police and military had none. The US Embassy is on lock down. Reports are saying that there have been few shootings. Most of the Guest Workers are demanding to exit the country. They are asking the United States to aid them in getting home.
----
MessyNBC -- Sacramento Ca -- Phaser Situation -- State Congresscritter Barney Flute (TR) is calling for technology to track when and where a phaser is used. "Phasers are free ride murder machines." Said Flute "You ain't got no ballistics, no powder burns or nothin' like that. You can't tell who shot who." Flute continued. Flute has promised to introduce ill considered legislation to worsen the problem soon.
<BR> 
==6-22-14==
BBC International -- New York, NY -- Successor State Seatings -- The United Nations in a severe break with past policy has announced the seating of the Chinese separatist states of Tibet, Huan, and Sichuan State. 
In related news the Eyrian Empire of Greyhawke continues to turn down the offered seat in the General Assembly. The Eyrian Ambassador to the United States commented "We appreciate the offer but really have no opinion on Earth matters, nor deserve one." Stated Ambassador Jerlane. 
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Northern California Tribal Confederation. Ca. -- Giant Raccoons! -- Reports continue to trickle out of the Mount Shasta camping grounds of large talking raccoons. We are certain that this is a sure sign that the final breakout is much closer that authorities wish us to believe. 
Huff & Puff Post invites you to comment if you have turned into something different.
----
Faux News -- Tulsa Ok -- End Times Coming -- The Reverend Dr. Mark Mateland, President of leading education institution Oral Robbers University has called on all believers to get ready for the End Times. "Brothers and sisters, even the Godless administration of Robert Russel must admit that the signs of the End Times are upon us." said Dr. Mark Mateland. "They call it breakout and try and lull you in to believing it is just an event, but the signs are on us. Gay Marriage, aliens, and unnatural creatures walk the Earth. Christ is coming for his own, be ready" continued Dr. Mark Mateland.
Those with further questions are invited to contact the University though Faithbook, God's social media.
----
Mother Jones -- Locdu, Scotland -- A Public Call -- The Collegium Arcane is once again making a public call to those that practice magic to contact them. Collegium spokesperson expressed belief that there are many more practitioners of magic that people realize. Past persecution may have driven them underground, but they are there.
Anne Counter of Faux News invited all witches to burn themselves and save everyone else the trouble.
<BR> 
==7-22-14==
MessyNBC -- Sacramento, Ca -- Per Mile Road Tax -- State sources indicate the California legislature is debating a per mile road use tax as the sudden rise of the krellite cell has tanked the gravy train that was gasoline taxes. "Electric cars have certainly improved the environment, but is is still using fire and must be punished. We cannot allow taxpayers to drive in California on the cheap." Said State Representative Barney Flute.
Privacy advocates are concerned at the closed door debates and are demanding the proceedings be opened to the public.
----
Faux News -- Mexico City, Mexico -- Citizen Militias Growing -- Government sources indicate that citizen militias, using advanced military weapons, have attacked and by all reports destroyed the Knight's Templar drug cartel. Reports are fragmentary but what cane be told is that a major battle was engaged and fought over a period of 48 hours. Militia sources are claiming a complete victory.
There is great concern over the source of the militia weapons. The presence of gun running is obvious but no effort has been made by the Russel administration to locate or stop this illegal flow of assault rifles and other military grade ordinance. There is a good possibility that the unsanctioned militias will not stop at drug cartels but will overthrown the government as well.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Thunderbird at Work -- Corps of Discovery spokesperson Anthony Allion has conformed that the girls kidnapped by terrorist group Boko Dodo have been recovered by stations Thunderbird 3 and Thunderbird 4. "All persons held by the group that did not wish to be there have been returned to their families. Like arraignments will be made for any person kidnapped we are made aware of." Said Anthony Allion.
The Corps of Discovery has still refused to be involved in the politics of any region, but will only rescue the victims.
----
BBC International -- Rochester, Mn, USA -- The End of Physical Disability -- Today the Mayo Clinic has announced that have reversed a major limb amputation in a human being. The patient, name currently withheld, was treated for an above the knee leg amputation suffered five years ago. The cloned limb was attached two weeks ago in a 6 hour surgery and the patient is up and walking normally at this time.
----
AP Wire -- Olympic City, Mars -- New Iridium Strike -- The Bob & Frank Ducker Mining Consortium has announced the largest iridium strike found on Mars to date. "Sensor data indicates we have found the main pipe of Olympic Mons. Send money whores and booze." Stated company spokesman Frank Ducker.
Representatives for War God Limited refused comment.
<BR> 
==10-7-14==
MessyNBC -- Pasadena Ca.-- Nomad Probes -- JPL has announced the launch date for the first of the long delayed Nomad Probes. Nomad 1 will be launched on November 4 from Gargian Station.
The Nomad series of super luminal probes will seek life in other star systems. They will spread the efforts of the Current Corps of Discovery ships.
----
Faux News -- Jerusalem -- PIGS! -- Increasing reports from Iraq are indicating that major figures in the ISIS terrorist group have been turned into anthropomorphic pigs. Video or still images confirming this have yet to be seen.
----
Variety -- Hollyweird -- Discovery News! -- The new Discovery programs are picking up steam! Discovery Kentari has taken up the entire supply of image blur covering all those naughty boobies on Kentari. Discovery Star Trek continues to fascinate us with the daring exploits of the Corps of Discovery.
Meanwhile at Nao Geo they are still on a roll. Mikki Ashby is America's new living room darling as she explores the strange and wonderful world of Greyhawke in the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition. And they don't blur anything. How daring! Helenanna has been renewed for a second year. We frankly didn't see this having legs, but she does have four after all. 
In industry news Walt Dizney Corporation has bought TLC. They have returned the name to "The Learning Channel", They have announced that all reality programing is being dropped and new educational programing will be seen in the mid season lineup. Meanwhile they have been reaching into the archive for old favorites. Honey has a boo boo.
----
Wall Street Journal: -- New York, NY -- Bye Bye Oil -- In stunning news Standard Oil Company was delisted by the NYSE. The corporation is currently seeking buyers for their assets. 
----
BBC International -- Jakara Indonesia -- A War on Witchcraft -- The Indonesian Courts have pointed out that anti-witchcraft laws long on the books but mostly forgotten will be aggressively enforced. "The presence of witchcraft will not be tolerated." Specific crimes being indicated are turning someone into an animal or profaning the name of Ghodd with magic.
Amnesty International is predicting a bloodbath.
<BR> 
==11-12-14==
Faux News -- New York, NY -- New Religious Texts -- Leading Christian publisher Calvary Press has published the Book of Blessings and the Book of Enlightenment in hard cover. Currently available by special order only. Calvary Press has said they will aggressively defend their rightful copyright on these publications.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Dead Mystic! -- Noted mystic and medium Xena Mystique was found dead in her home this morning. Police have not issued a cause of death. Chief Charlie Beck of the LAPD has stated that the death is being treated as a homicide at this time. He refused further comment.
Updates: The FBI Bureau 13 has been brought in on the investigation. Officials are making no further statements at this time. The matter is "under investigation", there are no suspects. Chief Charlie Beck of the LAPD refused to comment on the rumored attack on an LAPD officer. "The matter is under investigation, we are pulling in experts we feel we need. There is nothing more to say at this time." said Chief Charlie Beck.
----
High Times - Washington DC -- The End of Class One? -- Today President Robert M. Russel signed an executive order removing Marijuana from the list of class 1 drugs. He has ordered the FDA to reevaluate all class one drugs with the possible purpose of eliminating the category.
----
Los Angeles Times -- Los Angeles -- Police No Lethal Laws -- Police chief has decried the passage of Measure A, the Police Arms Limitations Ordinance as making the job of the police force impossible and empowering criminals to do as they please. Civil Rights advocate Chris Raymond replied "Cry me a river. They brought this on themselves."
----
MessyNBC -- Sacramento, Ca -- Conflicting Measures -- With both Proposition 2 and Proposition 11 having passed in the recent election both sides are gearing up for what looks to be a protracted legal battle over exactly what the law now is in regards to magic.
<BR> 
==12-21-14==
CNBC -- Miami -- Unknown Ship -- US Coast Guard reports rescuing a large cruise ship off the Florida coast in conjunction with the Royal Caribbean ship Freedom of the Seas. The ship was cleared by The Solar Patrol Thunderbird 2 station. 
All passengers and crew of the unknown vessel of unknown class and unknown registry are Tanuki. The 4500 persons are the largest example of the Tanuki Rain to date and the only example that has left a major physical artifact. All persons recovered are currently being processed by US Immigration as refugees. An unnamed government spokesperson reports they will be treated as any such refugees have been. They are reaching out to the current Tanuki community for aid in integrating the refugees.
The ship sunk off the Florida coast in 100 feet of water it's upper works are still visible. The Coast Guard has reported there is no danger of ecological damage as the ship is fusion fueled.
Update: The Blackmane Brothers have savaged the vessel turning it over to the Walt Dizney Corporation for refitting and service. Dizney spokesperson refused comment at this time saying the ship needs to be evaluated by the Coast Guard and engineers before any plans are made. The ship currently designated "Dizney X" is in the Miami shipyards.
----
E! -- Hollyweird -- New Woodmanor Unit -- E! proudly announces the creation of the exciting Woodmanor unit. A permanent news crew in the shining Eyrian Capital of Woodmanor that will give us all the breathless excitement of the glittering court of the imposing Emperor Tesral and his ravishing wife the Empress Sabrina who so recently graced our nation's venerable Capital with their august presence. We look forward to their fascinating reports.
----
AP Wire -- Moon -- New Ship -- The Corps of Discovery has announced the launching of the Colombia Class Cruiser the Richard Douglas Husband. The R.D. Husband is scheduled to enter active service after a 90 day shake down and inspection cruise. She will be rolling out under the Command of Captain Susan Anderson, noted as the first woman to walk on the Moon and Mars.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC. -- Russel Sued! -- Minority Leader Ted Crude has announced that he is suing President Russel for his abandonment of Drug Enforcement. "He is leaving American Youth to the ravages of uncontrolled drug use by ending the necessary work of the DEA." said Senator Crude. "Police will have to trade in their Cadillacs for Chevys without all that drug seizure money."
----
Miami Herald -- Tallahassee -- No Lethal Official -- Governor Jeb Shrub signed into law to day the Florida No Lethal Act requiring all police forces in the state to switch to stunners only. Florida is the fourth state to make his move after Louisiana, New York, and Illinois. California turned down such a measure in the 2014 Election
<BR> 
=2015=
==1-2-15==
Faux News -- Topeka, KS -- New Bill -- State Representative William Nobran (TR) has announced that he has introduced a bill in the State House to ban Ley lines from crossing the state of Kansas. "I expect that my fellow representatives will see this bill as the measured response that it is to the problem of godless magic and co-sign in droves." said Rep Nobran.
----
AP Wire -- Talltrees MT -- New Housing Needed -- City fathers have announced a crash expansion of local housing to deal with the sudden influx of the cruise ship survivors. The Church of Blackmane is aiding with the fast growth of trees.
----
FNN -- Moon -- New Cruiser -- The Corps of Discovery announced today the commissioning of the new El Nanth supplied CDSS Farsight, a Basking Ray class cruiser. The CDSS Farsight will join other Corps of Discovery vessels in exploration of the Galaxy. The announcement was made today by Captain Jeffery Christopher who is transferring from the CDSS Michael J. Smith. Captain Christopher announced that their first mission is to the world of Vich-Ar. The Vicharrians having recently visited Earth.
----
BBC -- Rome -- Cardinal Demoted -- The Vatican announced today that Cardinal Stern has been demoted from the Arch-Diocese of Boston to Chaplin of the Knights of Malta for his constant conservative out lashing against the Enlightenment Movement and the conciliatory tone of Pope Francis.
 
==2-8-15==
BBC International -- Vatican City -- Vatican Three Recommendations -- The recommendations of the Third Vatican Counicl have been placed before Pope Francis. This is being called the most radial realignment of the Catholic faith ever. Church watchers are sure that not all the changes will sit will with the congregation. The major points are:
* The medieval prohibition of marriage for priests will be withdrawn. The oath of celibacy for the ordained is withdrawn. Priests are welcome to marry within the bounds of the faith and may God bless their unions. Celibacy among the religious orders must be decided by the orders themselves. It is not required.
*Catholics must not breed indiscriminately. The stewardship of the world includes not overpopulating it. To that end all the methods of contraception that God has granted man may be used, save permanent sterilization for other than medical reasons. Abortion is still forbidden, do not get pregnant in the first place. Sex is God's gift. Use it responsibly within marriage.
*With great sadness we must withdraw the miracle of transubstantiation. The rising magic in the world raises the very real possible event that there will be Human blood and flesh on the altar of God in the near future. We must hold the blood and body of Christ only within our hearts. May God have Mercy on us for what must be done.
*The gifted within the Church are welcome. God has become evident among us. These are people touched by God regardless of their station in life. All that can perform miracles in God's name are welcome.
*Aliens are welcome into the Fellowship of Christ. All the universe is the creation of God the Father and all life within it scared unto him. It is not for man to judge the position of other species in regard to original sin. Christ came to Earth and God may have other plans for other peoples. We are not to judge. However those that will worship with us are welcome. 
----
AP Wire -- Washington DC -- FBI Breakdown! -- The White House has ordered a complete investigation into the policies and methods of the FBI in light of the case of the shooting of the Greyhawke woman Molly Abba, allegedly instigated by the anti terror unit. President Russel has asked for the resignation of FBI Director James Corrny. No replacement was named at this time.
Reports are indicating the situation is blowing up into a major diplomatic incident with the Eyrian Empire. Public reaction has been just short of a hanging mob. This is only the latest event in the increasingly apparent problem of police abuse of power.
----
Faux News - Gulf View, Tx - Megrub Umony Speaks -- Enormous State University has announced a speaking engagement with noted Zulu witch hunter Megrub Umony for a series of lectures on how to identify and neutralize witches. "A necessary talent in today’s increasingly dangerous world." stated an unnamed University Spokesman.
 
==2-10-15==
FNN -- Moon -- Star Base One -- The Corps of Discovery has announced the opening of Star Base One. All Corps of Discovery space operations except construction will move to Star Base One located in the l1 position between the Earth and the Moon
[Layman's description of the Larange points]
The Corps of Discovery has indicated that the El Nanth built station was delivered in parts on the ADF Babe and assembled in place at L1. "We have an active plan for expansion" said CoD Press Secretary Anthony Allion. "Over the coming years the custom made containers will vanish as the core of a much larger facility that will grow as the Corp of Discovery needs it. Star Base One will serve the Corps for decades to come."
Plans for the final station would include housing for entire ships crews, training facilities, construction facilities and repair docks inside a monster docking bay protected from space.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- New FBI Director -- White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has indicated that Allen Scitus, currently the Assistant Director of the, until recently, secretive Bureau 13 has been tapped as Deputy Director of the FBI. The White House gave no further details or background on Allen Scitus. Secretary Josh Earnest also indicated that the White House has made a choice for the new Director, but is withholding the name until they hear back from him. He is noted however as a retired FBI agent of extensive experience and no political views save justice. "We hope to confirm the President's choice soon" added Secretary Earnest.
UPDATE: Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that Angelo Mancuso has been appointed as Director of the FBI. "Mr. Mancuso is a retired FBI agent, formerly of the 13th Bureau. He is noted as a tireless advocate for rights and doing things the right way". Stated Attorney General Eric Holder. Mr. Mancuso was introduced to the press and answered several questions. "I welcome this opportunity to serve the people of the United States" said Mr. Mancuso. "I am unsettled at the circumstance under which I have been asked to assume this task. I promise that a through investigation. There will be no cover up or white wash. People are gong to jail. Justice will be done, ethics will be restored."
----
ABC -- Washington DC -- Eyrian Empire Demands Extradition -- Ambassador Jerlane of the Greyhawke Eyrian Empire confirmed again that the Eyrian Empire is confident that the United States will do the proper thing in the recent crime against HIH Molly Abba. "Yes, lady Abba by her own word was gravely injured, but magic present on her person recovered her from the wounds. She is grateful the criminals targeted herself as anyone without that magic would have been killed outright." said Ambassador Jerlane. He further confirmed that yes an extradition request had been placed with the US State Department for all persons involved including the FBI undercover agents involved. No word on the matter had yet been confirmed.
----
Irrational Inquisitor -- New York, NY -- Mosasaurus! -- Eye witnesses have claimed to have seen a giant alligator in the East River. The New York SPCA is not discounting this and advises people to be extra careful with pets or children around the river while the investigation is on going. "With the stuff going on today we can't just discount anything. Normally I would say the East River was way cold for gators, but wes gonna look inna it." said an unnamed SPCA spokesman.
UPDATE: Spokespersons for the ASPCA and the DSH report that they have captured a Mosasaurus, an animal believed to have been extinct for 65 million years. This vicious predator is an air breathing reptile, and came in everything from alligator to bus sized and was the terror of the Jurassic oceans. This specimen is 22 feet long and weighs nearly 4 tons. It has been moved to the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution for study. No decision has been made about placing it on public display.
PETM has called for the immediate release of the Mosasaurus and promised to sue in Federal Court to secure the freedom of the Mosasaurus to terrorize the seas.
----
BBC International -- Aruba -- Plague Quarantine -- Aruba Space Port officials are currently quarantining a body of ten passengers from Mars they say are suffering the effects of an unidentified illness. The space port hospital has reached out to the Corps of Discovery for their xenomedicine experts.
 
==3-26-15==
Faux News -- Lynchburg, VA -- Crude Will Run -- Ted Crude formally announced his candidacy for President in 2016 before a crowd of ten thousand students at Liberty University. The crowd was enthusiast to the full extent required by University code of conduct. "It's a great day for Team Red" said Ted Crude. "I am the best candidate Team Red has and the best the nation deserves."
UPDATE (MessyNBC): Raphael Crude, Ted Crude's father and a fundamentalist preacher was recorded telling his congregation that the Tanuki were signs of the end times and should be shot or rounded up, along with Atheists and Homosexuals.
----
New York Times -- Opinion page. -- It has come to the attention of this genteel reader that the political process is in general off the rails, and like anything meant to run on rails that attempts to do otherwise, not functioning as it should. It is clear to this reader that the intention of the Founding Fathers that men of good character would run for political office was fool-hardy at the least if not delusional. But being in general men of decent character themselves they did not see otherwise. 
The average political candidate is venal, self-serving, egotistical, and has the morally consistent nature of a weather vane, to mention the more flattering traits. They are further allergic to any form of accountability for their actions. The one point the reader sees as abhorrent and a danger to all public good.
To this end we laud the idea of the oath of Noble Obligation indeed we would name if the Oath of Moral Obligation. We would urge it with necessary due force on all that would hold political offices and the public good be better served for all the public, not merely those that contribute sufficient funds to the campaign war chest. -- Richard Saunders.
----
MessyNBC -- Sacramento Ca -- Ronnie Raygun Speaks -- Ronnie Raygun, whom some report as the reborn personage of the Late President Ronnie Raygun spoke in a guest lecture before the Stanford University student body. Which he wryly noted to reporters was not required to attend. Mr. Raygun spoke on the coming breakout urging students to be aware, be critical and be kind. Noting that his very presence was a sign that the breakout was coming. "I cannot urge you strongly enough to look out for your neighbor. Modern society is interdependent to a stunning degree. The life and well being of the family next door or even across town could well mean your own. We will stick together and help each other, or we will each die alone." said Mr Raygun in his address to the students.
Stanford University is the first college in the nation to start a magic department.
----
New Orleans Times-Picayun -- New Orleans LA -- Preacher Moused -- The Rev Donald Bovodox of The Ninth Ward Universal Prosperity Pentecostal Church was turned into a mouse before his entire congregation at the beginning of his sermon last Sunday. The service broke down into total chaos and Constables were summoned. No arrests were made. 
Church goers noted this was the second Sunday in which services were interrupted. The previous Sunday Rev Donald Bovodox had said that entertainer Willis Blackmane of Astral Flame as "the son of Satan himself" The service was interrupted by the appearance behind the pulpit of a Tanuki that identified himself as Evan Blackmane, Willis Blackmane's actual Father. The Rev Bovodox was told to expect to be sued.
That week a lawsuit for defamation of character was opened by Evan Blackmane in the local district court,
The Bovodox family has refused to comment on any events.
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- You Cannot Make This Up -- At the Religious anti Freedom summit formally titled the Family Values Voter Summit Rick Asylum has declared "We are the dumb people. We are proud be the dumb people and we like being dumb. We take strength in Jebus from our dumbness."
 
==4-30-15==
LA Times -- Op Ed page -- The water taps that have been placed to water the Los Angeles valley are a terrible mistake. With enough water people will act irresponsible, filling pools and growing invasive lawns. The city will further destroy what is left of the environment. Anthropomorphic humidification is human interference at its worst. Stop interfering with nature! You are destroying the Earth! -- Sol Green (Team Green) 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Las Vegas -- Terror Act -- Three persons were arrested and transported to hospital from Lake Mead Wednesday. They where found on what has become known as Jet Island in lake Mead the location of the water jet. 
Suspicions started with workers and tourists on the Hoover Dam reported seeing an explosion on the island. Responding officers found all three injured by the detonation and further explosive material in their boat.
Joe Tugreen, Andy Snobe, and Amy SoJuwa are changed with possession of explosives, violating the restricted zone on the island and general stupidity. No damage was done to the Jet. Joe Tugreen is noted as a known member of GNOME.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Washington Monument Saved -- Suzy Watterson Wainwright of the DSH is credited with saving the Washington monument from a man claiming to be a living bomb. Boris Bloenoff, a foreign national was threatening to blow out the monument with himself if he did not receive 5 billion dollars and a bottle of vodka. 
The DSH later reported that Mr Bloenoff was indeed a credible threat and could have detonated his own body, fatally to himself. It was revealed that he was working under coercion and is cooperating with federal authorities. There were no injuries.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- The Earth is fatally over crowded. Technology cannot save us, magic cannot save us. The struggle is doomed. The more people have tried to better their condition. The worse the impact on the world, and the sooner the end will come. It is better to live an abject life of hand to mouth poverty and slow the pace of total extinction. We must accept the apocalypse of Breakout and do nothing to save ourselves. Decreasing our numbers is the only salvation. -- Hiram Brockovert 
Comments: "You first." -- Cat Boy
<BR> 
==5-3-15==
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Clinton Running -- Millicent Clinton announced today that she is ready to assume her position as the nation's mommy and first Woman President. She promises that Bill will be kept in the basement and fed beer and football for her entire term in office.
----
FNN -- Opinion Blogs -- What a marvelous tool we have in the data net. Any citizen can express an opinion had indeed have it heard or read by a great many people that agree with them.
And in this lies the issue. We are not listening to opinions that do not match our own and in this are doing ourselves and by extension our Nation a great disservice. By living within what is now called 'the echo box' of complacent agreement that ruffles none of our feathers we become chickens fat for the stew. And we will not see the hatchet coming.
We must not bow to the lessor urges of comfort in agreement. Read that which displeases you. Engage in reasoning discourse with those of other opinions. It was by this means that the Republic was founded, and only by this means will it be recovered. - Richard Saunders.
----
Mother Jones -- Dalton, GA -- Now a Dwarf -- Noted Little Person advocate Brian Amelio announced today that he has undergone "A personal Breakout". Mr Amelio explained: "I'm a Dwarf, as in the Greyhawken race of that name. I'm taller, broader and razors whimper at the thought of this beard. I intend to join the effort to prepare others for the general Breakout." 
----
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- End Times -- Noted Evangelist and president of Oral Robbers University Dr. Mark Mateland has stated: "If the Supreme Court allows homosexual unions across the nation Yellowstone will erupt destroying our wicked nation like Israel of old." 
Comments: "Still waiting...." -- Joe Rational 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Napa, CA -- First Ane Citizen -- Yusaban born May first at the Ane Enclave of California is the first Ane citizen of the United States. The proud parents were unwilling to show him off "For our own safety" it was explained. "Newborns have no telepathic volume control." Chicken Noddle News reporter Susan Sunshine asked Fenterban, the proud father, what plans they have for the new citizen. "In forty years we'll run him for President, that should be fun." replied Fenterban.
When asked about Yusaban's status Simon Daklander of the Immigration and Naturalization Service replied: "The Ane Enclave has no special status, it's US soil in every respect. By the Constitution that makes Yusaban a US citizen. The Coffee Caucus of Team Red was demanding to see Yusaban's long form Birth Certificate. 
<BR> 
==5-8-15==
BBC -- Glastonbury, England -- Camelot? -- Locals are shocked with the appearance of a glittering structure on Glastonbury Tor. In appearance a medieval castle coated in a white but glittering paint of some kind. The large moat and bailey castle appears to be empty. The Royal Marines have been called into investigate the currently locked structure.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Seattle, Washington -- Rainier Smoking -- Mr Rainier began to emit a large plume of smoke on May 8. The USGS office has reported a large number of micro quakes in the MT Rainier area. Local residents are urged to review their evacuation plans. 
----
Faux News -- New Madrid, TN -- New Madrid Rocks -- New Madrid was hit by a 5.5 earthquake on the open ended Richter scale reported United States Geological Service. Some residents said they felt the brief quake. No damage was reported. The USGS has further reported a large number of micro quakes in the vicinity of the New Madrid fault. Presidential hopeful Fred Wanabee has stated that; "God is angry over the US tolerance of Aliens and Homosexuals. And imminent destruction can only be stopped by a return to his version of God".
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Bend, OR -- BIGFOOT FOUND! -- Rangers in the Williamette National Forest have reported that Judy Reynolds, the hiker missing for two days was carried to the Mt Bachelor station by a Sasquatch. Several persons including Ms Reynolds witnessed the Sasquatch and clear photos were taken. The Sasquatch left without a word.
Ms. Reynolds suffered a broken leg on her hike. She is currently in the hospital and has declined further comment at this time.
A brief search of the wood around the station found no sign of the Sasquatch.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Vicarrian Diplomacy -- The Corps of Discovery has reported that they have a successful contact with the Vcicarrian Empire, a star fairing Race that recently visited Earth on an exploration mission. Captain Jeffery Christopher of the CDSS Farsight has announced that peaceful diplomatic relations with the Viccarians have been established.
<BR> 
==6-4-15==
AP -- Aquarius Station -- Clipper Class Star Liners Arrive -- The Royal Star Lines "Voyager of the Stars" the first of the Clipper Class Star Liners launched to great fanfare. The Clipper class promises warp 5 service to Centaui, Vulcan, and Teller. The best of high luxury accommodations are available the equal of any cruise liner on Earth.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Red Runners -- With the addition of Fred Wanabee the Team Red primary is promising to have more runners than the Kentucky Derby and a lower average IQ. It is noted that Team Red pols are grabbing "The Crazy" in box car loads to please the assumed "core" of the party. Voters will remember come November how crazy they where now.
----
FNN -- St. Louis -- Windemere Academy -- The Collegium Arcane has announced the opening of Wildemere Academy in St. Louis Missouri. Windemere Academy is a fully accredited primary UnSchool with a "magic aware" curriculum. Windemere Academy will open with the Fall term in September on a three term a year, three months on, one month off schedule. Student applications are being accepted at this time for all ages.
----
Faux News -- Oklahoma City -- Not Terror Threat -- An anonymous spokesperson of the United American Militia have announced they will begin the cleansing of America from the filth of Aliens "By any means required". They claim they will strike in five days.
Federal officials when asked for comment replied that any violence will be dealt with swiftly and surely.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City --Wedding Announcement -- Micheal Flynn and Helen Books will wed on June 6th in a private ceremony. The location has not been revealed. Micheal Flynn is well known as the firebrand of the Enlightenment Movement and a former Priest of the Roman Catholic Church.
When asked for comment Bishop Morgan Farrel of the Diocese of Vista City, Flynn's former Bishop, only wished the new couple a blessed marriage and life together,
<BR> 
==6-16-15==
MessyNBC -- Phoenix, Az. -- A Cyber City in the Desert -- Federal Authorities have announced the discovery and acceptance of an unknown life form that apparently has been hiding on Earth for a number of years. The Aliens of living metal called Technomorphs are building a city in the dessert near Phoenix they are calling Saibotoron.
The aliens are beings of living metal able to alter their forms at will. In total they number under 10,000 and require no resources other than sunlight. They have no biology as Earth science understands it.
The spokesbeing for the aliens called Alphabot has stated they are fascinated by Earth culture even if their arrival here was a accident. Alphbot asked that Humans give then some room for a while as they get settled in.
----
AP Wire -- Washington DC -- Team Scarlet Announced -- Pennsylvania Senator Paul Rand along with other members of Congress has announced the Formation of Team Scarlet. The purpose of the party is to promote conservative values like leaving people alone and not spending more than you have without "The Crazy" that has consumed Team Red. They have further stated that they have no relation to the Religious Right or Keynesian "voodoo" economics.
An unnamed Team Red Spokesperson decried the move as splitting the party in a way the will benefit neither and defending the Team Red moral base. "Our morals are good and good for America. We need more morals", stated the unnammed Team Red Spokesperson.
----
CBS News -- Boston Ma -- Meta Villain Captured -- The DSH has announced that a meta calling himself God's Lightning has been captured and held without bond for the crime of kidnapping. He and his gang of racists were holed up on the farm of Mr. and Mrs. Riley Podunk and holding the elderly couple against their will.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- Glen Peck Fired -- Faux News has announced that Glen Peck has been offered a chance to succeed elsewhere. "Mr. Peck and Faux News are no longer in accord over our basic view points."
----
Channel 5 Eyewitless News -- Hampton Va -- Missing School Bus -- Authorities have reported that a school bus from the Our Lady of Mercy Girl's School did not arrive as scheduled for class this morning. The incident is being actively investigated. 23 girls and the bus driver are missing.
Anyone that sees the bus, a Blue Bird flat cab electric bus in blue with Our Lady of Mercy Girl's School on the side please contact authorities at once.
<BR> 
==6-30-15==
Faux News -- Oklahoma City -- Non-Terror Violence -- An anonymous spokesperson of the United American Militia has claimed credit for the bombing of a retail establishment in Tall Trees, Montana. The anonymous person claimed that there will be a second strike in four days or less and the body count will be higher.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- We Want Washington Reds -- With the addition of Chis Crispy to the Team Red Slate the Redders have nearly enough players to field a baseball team. Maybe they should give up politics and field a baseball team.
----
FNN -- Web Opinion -- We cannot but note the reaction of certain parties to a recent Supreme Court decision increasing the general liberty and welfare of the nation. Such a crying in the wilderness we have never seen. A general denying of reality to the point of declaring the Count itself unconstitutional and threatening to set oneself on fire. The threat to hold the state's breath until they die are mild by comparison. All to which I must call on a wiser head to comment. 
"Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun."
This to shall pass and no disaster will befall. That one can get one's panties in so tight a bunch calling a increase in liberty and security a failure is beyond us. If we take anything from this hue and cry it is that those with such an infirm grip on the Constitution and the workings of the nation, not to mention reality itself should by no means be considered fit to serve the country in any fashion. -- Richard Sanders.
----
Channel 5 Cincinnati -- Cincinnati, OH -- Corryville Fire -- The old Evens house long a fixture of Corryville with a reputation for being haunted burst into flame last night and was completely consumed. The local fire department reported that in the seven minutes it took for fire personnel to arrive there was nothing but a few timbers and the foundation.
The only thing of note was the presence of an Ecnoline conversion van with "The Spirit Special" painted on the side in the driveway of the old Evens house. Authorities are seeking anyone connected to the van.
----
BBC International -- Vatican City -- Pope Calls for Peace -- Pope Francis has called on the world's Catholics to lay aside all sectarian conflicts and to forgive all enemies "in the spirit of Christ". "We must bind together with our neighbors of every faith and creed to survive the coming storm. Breakout is not the second coming. It will be a time of tribulation for all the Earth." Said Pope Francis.
<BR> 
==7-14-15==
APWire -- New York, NY -- New Trial Granted -- The 2nd Federal court of Appeals has granted religious agitator Francine Borodin a new trial based on the incompetence of his counsel. No date has been set at this time.
Francine Borodin allegedly shot Helenanna the Centaur outside of the Nat Geo studios in Manhattan.
----
Faux News - New York, NY - Terrorist Freed - The Terrorist known as Fairy Godfather has been freed as he has destroyed the prosecution of both New Orleans and New York city with spurious accusation of corruption. 
The activist Justice Department of President Russel continues to take these farcical charges seriously crippling law enforcement in both cities and allowing this murdering terrorist to go free.
----
ABC-15 -- Phoenix Az -- Sheriff Joe is a Mexican? -- In a resent public appearance to announce fresh plans to ignore the US Department of Justice embattled Sheriff Joe Alpo looked more like Pancho Villa than Pancho Villa. His skin was notably swarthier and he sported a huge mustache. Bandoleers and a sombrero would have competed the picture.
The Sheriff's department refused comment.
The local Latino community is outraged at this blatant parody. Calls for his head are getting literal.
----
Mother Jones -- Frostbite Falls, MN -- Scientific Expedition Mounted -- Dr Francis Withertspoon of the Northern University of Northern Minnesota has announced an expedition to the lost center of the Earth. Dr. Witherspoon claims he has located a crack in the Earth that leads directly to this lost land and has assembled an expedition to begin exploration.
<BR> 
==7-29-15==
MessyNBC -- Long Beach, Ca -- The Saucers Have Arrived! -- Researchers at the Corps of Discovery Research and Development facility, formerly the Warp Drive Project have unveiled the C-57A, flying saucer. The 25 foot diameter single seat saucer is driven by a combination of anti gravity lift and impulse thrust. It includes inertial dampening and is capable of the kind of maneuvers claimed for UFOs in days past.
When asked why they built this frankly impractical device researcher Ed Finch replied. "Because we could. It's cool! Every old test pilot on the grounds has a grin so hard they will have to be chiseled off." Reporter Mary Contra asked what the future of the craft was. "If someone puts it in production, anyone that can afford a single seat sports plane could have one of these. No reason you couldn't add more seats either." said Ed Finch. We further asked who the plans would be sold to. "Once we are done testing they are public domain. That is how we work. Anyone can have them." Added Ed Finch.
Public reaction to the C-57A has yet to come in. 
----
Los Angeles Times -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Historic City Hall Burns! -- A fire broke out in the Historic city Hall late Friday evening. Firefighters were quick to respond as was the Los Angeles branch of the Department of Super Heroes. The blaze was contained to two floors. Fire investigators suspect arson, and engineers are examining the Historic structure for critical damage. The City thanks the brave efforts of the Heroes and Firefighters involved and is withholding comment until investigators report.
All city offices will be closed until further notice.
----
DSH PSA -- New York, NY -- Beware of Dagon! -- Dark powers are afoot. If shadowy things offer you wonderful deals, SAY NO! The deal is never worth your soul. Don't idly curse people, don't idly make covetous wishes. God DOES NOT answer such things, Dagon does. And when the bill comes due you will not like the price.
----
BBC International -- Seoul, Korea -- Pyongyang Recovery -- Ninety-seven persons recently appeared on the grounds of what was once the center of Pyongyang. The people, late members of the North Korean "Comfort Corps" and a few members of the Guard reported on the horrors of those that were in the city when it vanished. "The land was full of monsters. The bullets ran out quickly, diesel for the generators likewise. The palace quickly became unlivable. The old men died first. None could do anything useful. Little Fatty was one of the first to go, eaten by a beast. We made spears of wood and knives, we lived hand to mouth always with fewer and fewer. Then the shining being came and offered us reprieve if we forsook the old regime. They are dead, it was easy."
The survivors are being extensively debriefed. All appeared at least well fed if roughly treated.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City Ca. -- Statue Missing -- The stature of noted Educator Raymond Graines was reported missing on Monday morning from the main campus of Northern California Polytechnic. Police are seeing information as to the disposition of the statue and who took it. "It's the wrong season for senior pranks and this is extreme." Report School Administrator Beau O'Crat. 
----
FNN -- Corps of Discovery, The Moon -- Pressure Accident -- Tragedy struck the Corps of Discovery today. In an accident involving EVA training Three cadets and one trainer were killed, while two cadets suffered injuries. Initial reports indicate that a device for boring a hole in an asteroid malfunctioned and exploded. A full investigation has begun and will reveal more details.
The exercise was a routine training mission, which involved locating a near Earth asteroid and putting a subspace marker beacon on it. There are tens of thousands of such objects, and the Solar Patrol is marking them as they go. The work is routine and so was viewed as an opportunity for training exercises.
The names of the deceased are being withheld pending notification of 
their families. The Solar Patrol and Corps of Discovery have suspended all EVA activity until a review of safety procedures can be conducted.
----
The Wall Street Journal -- New York, NY -- Space X Rumors -- Rumors of distension and tension in Space-X, the space development company pioneered by Elon Musk. Musk is known for his Magpie class space tug as well as development of sections of Aquarius Station, the Moon and Mars
Musk and Sogui, having successfully opened an Anti-Matter refinery in solar orbit, would seem to be solid business partners, building fortunes. However, development of in-space refining and smelting of asteroid materials has proven technically tougher, leading to delays and cost over runs, sparking tension between the two business giants.
Insiders report cultural differences are leading to communications problems between the two space developers. Their asteroid mining business could mean billions if successful.
<BR> 
==8-11-15==
Chicken Noddle News -- Kennedy Space Center -- President Faster than light -- President Robert M. Russel took a jaunt on the Space Command vessel USS Gregory B. Jarvis today. The President was given a close up look at Jupiter and Saturn becoming the first president to travel faster than light. President Russel when asked to comment replied. "There are no words for the wonders of our universe, even this small corner of it. I am a highly privileged person to have been able to see all that I have. I will continue to work so that anyone can have that privilege."
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Crude Speaks -- Senator and Presidential candidate Ted Crude has promised to "Bring Mars and the Moon under the rightful control the United States when elected. It is our duty and right to control space as the world's leading Christian nation. added Senator Crude.
----
BBC -- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil -- The Pope a Hairy Tick? -- Cardinal Juan Carlos Del Cassa has declared that Pope Francis to be apostolic and blasphemous for the implementation of the findings of Vatican Three. He was noted as a strong voice for the conservative hard line during the conference. Cardinal Cassa has called on the college of cardinals to excommunicate the Pope and call a conclave to replace him. 
Rome has not yet responded to this statement. We expect the reply will be harsh.
----
Mother Jones -- Madison, WI -- Magic a World Resource -- Leading Social Justice Warrior Pauline Prudence is calling on the UN to declare magic a world resource. All magic using persons should be registered and all harmful rituals banned. "If magic is to be a vital resource in the future we must get on the ground floor to make sure it is distributed in a politically correct manner and that access is denied to no one. We might have break a few eggs, but the equally shared omelet will be worth it." said Pauline Prudence
Representative for the Collegium Arcane Arthur Brisbane replied that "Ms Prudence has no relationship with reality. I'm not commenting on the feasibility of the impossible."
----
Messy NBC -- New York, NY -- Where is Ann? -- Faux commentator Ann Counter has not been in public lately Faux has refused to comment. Could it be that at last she is a mouse? One can but hope, we mean wonder.
<BR> 
==8-25-15==
Los Angeles Times -- Long Beach -- Birth Announcement -- Steven and Jennifer Ashby wish to announce the birth of Elizabeth Mae Ashby born August 24 at 7:18 PṀ Mother and child are both in wonderful condition. 
----
FNN -- Moon -- The Denobulans! -- The Solar Patrol has announced the rescue of an unknown craft found in the Kuiper belt orbiting a body now designated K2015-37, an object larger than Earth's Moon. The aliens of an unknown type are alive and appear to be well. They are currently being communicated with at the Corps of Discovery Starbase One. Initial reports indicate a gregarious people they call themselves Denobulans.
Their ship is being towed to Gagarin Station to evaluate it for repairs.
----
Faux News -- New York -- Ann a Gnoll -- Ann Counter has come forward to announce she has had a breakout of her own. She has turned into a some sort of heyna woman we are told is a "gnoll". Ms Counter has indicated she wishes to continue her employment with Faux News. Well in the spirit of diversity we'll give it a shot.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- O'Blama Runs -- Vice President Brak O'Blama has officially announced his candidacy for President of the United States. He starts the campaign with a huge advantage of the endorsement of President Russel. Candidates Clinton and Grinders were not available for comment.
----
BBC -- London -- Rouge Planet Found -- Cunard Star Lines offices have announced that the starliner Queen Victoria has discovered and encountered a rouge planet between Earth and Kentari. The celestial body is 1.1 times the mass of the Earth and is entirely frozen. The origin of this body is not known and the data has been turned over to the Corps of Discovery for further investigation.
----
ABC News -- Vista City, CA -- A Terror Attack -- The Church of Blackmane in Vista City has been bombed. Initial reports are indicating heavy casualties as worship services were underway at the time of the attack. Vista City Emergency services are on the scene at this time. 
The Church of Blackmane is a religious cult favored by Tanuki. It has its origin on Greyhawke. It is has become somewhat popular with the local people as well.
As of this report no one has claimed credit for this terrorist attack.
<BR> 
==9-10-15==
Faux News -- Trenton NJ -- Crispy a Good Guy -- Presidential hopeful Chris Crispy denied allegations that he was a racist today. "I love all contributors equally in spite of color or race." Said Governor Crispy. 
Governor Crispy was replying to recent comments on his proactive solution to the emigration crisis created in the mind of Team Red. He was quoted as saying "The Mexican crisis can be solved with sufficient government contracts to contributors. A wall is needed even if no one else can see the need."
----
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- E-Mail is Evil? -- Millicent Clinton rebuffed Team Red efforts to make a scandal by saying "What is E-mail?" She is denying claims that while Secretary of State she used e-mail the same way everyone in Congress does. 
----
ABC News -- New York, NY -- Breakout is NOW! -- DSH Director Conner Blackmane speaking in the wake of the incident with Ann Counter stated that "Breakout is now, you are unlikely to see a vast instant change, but small matters that happen to individuals will increase as time passes."
Ms Counter, a well known Faux News attack dog was noted as becoming a harpy. A state experts say was "inherent in her." Something anyone could have told you really. Magical investigators stabilized her condition as a Gnoll, a Hyena woman we can also agree is indicative of her personality.
----
FNN Opinions -- An Elector’s Comment -- I look on the vast field of Presidential hopefuls, and retch. Is this indeed what the Republic has come to? No one even worthy to polish the shoes of President Washington, and yes he too was a flawed man. At least among the flaws there were virtues that outshone them. Today it is more like picking the least bruised cantaloupe in the last hour of a produce sale. The hope of choosing quality is replaced with the dread of what we will find once the rind is opened. Sadly if we have chosen poorly it cannot be thrown to the pigs, nor can we fail to choose.
It is our opinion that if the Republic is to be saved, we must embrace the Oath of Noble Obligation. The assertion that it will destroy the political process as we understand and practice it must, and should be seen as the idea's greatest virtue. The political process as it stands is a rotten mess. Had the Founders any idea that in two hundred years it would be like this they would have elected a King forthwith.
I urge citizens to insist on the Oath of Noble Obligation, look at those that object and understand that being able to continue to lie, cheat and graft is why they object. By their works shall you know them. And by your deeds can you amend those works whether they wish to amend or not. -- Richard Saunders
----
BBC International -- Jakarta Indonesia -- The Witches are Winning -- Leading Islamist Cleric Hate'm Nottoolikeem was suddenly turned into a pig before a large crowd last Friday night. He was ranting against the practice of witchcraft and urging people to burn all witches. Authorities are seeking the perpetrators.
An ad in the next day's Jakarta Post warned "You will not find real witches. Witch hunts have never found us. Real men of God are not subject to hate or preaching it. Real men of God will not suffer curses for God will protect them."
To call the situation agitated would be an understatement. Authorities are also seeking Mr Nottoolikeem who ran squealing into the streets.
<BR> 
==8-17-15==
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- First Blood -- Rick Berry announced today that he is leaving the 2016 Presidential race. He gave what pundits have called the best speech of his life lambasting the current campaigns of his fellow Team Reders as "totally missing the point." The former Texas Governor indicates he will spend more time with his family and work with his charitable foundation.
----
Los Angeles Times -- Op Ed -- Water Water! First we have the Anthropomorphic Humidification of the odious water taps that are increasing the salinity of the ocean at a rapid rate by pulling water from their depths. Now we have weather working witches that are causing rain where there should be none! 
What are the side effects? Are they stealing the water from places that need rain? They are disrupting natural weather patterns and the consequences will be grave. We are looking at another dust bowl or worse! These people must be stopped.
As I expected, Los Angeles County has lifted water restrictions. People are watering lawns and filling their pools again. Water is being wasted because of the artificial plenty. Trusting in this unnatural source the county has destroyed the aqueducts. The bill will come due and we will suffer for it. -- Sol Greene
----
Washington Post -- New York -- Lex Luthor Runs for President! -- Industrialist Alexander Luthor has announced at the New York Blue Club that he is running for president under the Team Blue Banner. Mr Luthor admits that he has no political experience, but was quoted as saying "With the current political climate and the heavy public distrust of politics as usual I do not see my lack of a political record as a determent. I have a positive record in my business practices and as a self made man I know something about real work. I am looking forward to sinking my teeth into the task at hand." Said Mr Luthor. 
When asked how he felt about the Oath of Noble Obligation, Mr Luthor replied: "I don't have a quick answer. I don't understand it. I'll need to study that and get back to you."
Alexander Luthor is the CEO of War God Limited. One of the principle mining supply and assay companies on Mars.
----
ABC News -- Atlanta Ga -- Anti Gravity Disaster -- Today two anti gravity "ground cars" in the experimental category collided at the Intersection of Peach Tree Drive and Peach Tree Boulevard. One of the vehicles was punched off the road and though the window of a Starbucks causing heavy casualties. Authorities at his time are saying that there are two dead and over a dozen seriously injured.
City Aldermen backed by the tire lobby, are calling on the state to crack down on these unsafe anti gravity cars.
-----
World Weakly News -- Virginia Beach -- A Strange Creature -- A strange creature has washed ashore on Virginia Beach. The massive carcass is over 120 feet long and serpent like in shape. It is reported to have a large head and toothy mouth. Scientists at Virginia State University, called to the scene, state they do not know what the creraturte is at this time. It is plausibly new to science!
A Representative for the World Crytozoology Society stated that sea serpents are highly likely in the world's oceans.
----
Channel 5 Cincinnati - Cincinnati, OH -- "The Spirit Special" -- Ohio State Police are seeking any information that might be had about the Van found at the burned out location of the Evans House as reported by this station June 15.... 
*Channel 5 Cincinnati - Cincinnati, OH - The old Evens house long a fixture of Corryville with a reputation for being haunted burst into flame last night and was completely consumed. The local fire department reported that in the seven minutes it took for fire personnel to arrive there was nothing but a few timbers and the foundation.<P>The only thing of note was the presence of a conversion van with "The Spirit Special" painted on the side in the driveway of the old Evens house. Authorities are seeking anyone connected to the van. 
The Van is a 1993 Ford short wheel base Ecnoline Van pained Green and Purple with the words "The Spirit Special" on the side. The plates Massachusetts BOOOO registered to a Frederic James. We have been unable to locate Mr James.
There is a $10,000.00 reward for information leading to the location of Mr James.
<BR> 
==9-21-15==
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Blue Speech -- Presidential candidate Alexander Luthor called a press conference today. "Ladies and Gentlemen I promised you an answer, now I have one. I and my advisers have examined the Oath of Noble Obligation. We concur that there is nothing in the Oath, as presented, that would hinder proper governance. I was advised to proceed with caution, as the legal waters regarding the Oath are still being tested, as they should. In specific case 84456A California Superior Court. Proposition 2: Integrity in Office Act: VS Proposition 11: The Oath of Office Assurance Act. Both of which passed and are considered contradictory. An issue that needs resolving. 
In conclusion I am positive but guarded about the Oath of Noble Obligation depending on the legal precedent. Unlike some of my erstwhile opponents I am not going to second guess or dismiss the courts."
----
New York Times -- Saratoga, NY -- Undead! -- Shock ran though the nation's press today when noted psychic and long time recluse Maya Starweaver called a press conference in front of her long time home. Ms Starweaver has not been seen in public since 1976 when she announced that she was quit of public life and wanted nothing more to do with it.
Gathered reporters fled in terror as Ms Starweaver, or what was taken for her came out of the door. A walking desiccated figure wearing a 70s era peasant dress. The dress itself was in tatters and her...face...had no flesh. Your reporter took two quick pictures and fled the scene. What happened beyond that is not known at this time. We believe that authorities have been alerted to a possible walking dead. (Less than perfect picture of a skeletal figure in a tattered hippy dress.)
----
Faux News -- St Louis, MO -- Jimmy Sunday Holds Revival! -- Noted Evangelist Jimmy Sunday announced today that he will be holding a seven day Revival meeting at the Missouri State Fair grounds in Sedalia Mo. "Come fellowship in God as we pray away the gay and magic" said Jimmy Sunday. 
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Vulcan News -- The Vulcan Consulate has announced that Counselor T'nara has been recalled to Vulcan to consult with the Matriarch T'pell. During her absence Under Consul Stran will assume her duties.
<BR> 
==10-02-15==
MessyNBC -- Cambridge, MA -- SRA Objections -- Professor Dr. Agnes Wessel, head of the Sociology Department at Harvard University is quoted as stating "That aliens, such as the Ane have nothing to say in terms of sentient rights until they have suffered discrimination on a widespread and organized basis. The Sentient Rights Agreement is a farce coming from a race that has never suffered oppression, and the principles it espouses are contrary to the needs of the oppressed."
Dr Wessel has announced the publication of her latest book, "The Failure of the New Society Project, how and Why."
MessyNBC did not seek comment as once a Liberal professor of sociology speaks that is all that needs be said.
----
Faux News -- Camden, NJ -- Crispy Pontificates -- Presidential shoe in Governor Chris Crispy, speaking at a fund raising rally stated that "The Corps of Discovery is based out of the United States and it was a criminal negligence to allow it to be anything but a function of the Untied States Military. As president I will correct this."
----
BBC International -- Paris, France -- Regulate AI Computers -- Bernard Cazeneuve French minister of the interior has called for tighter regulation on the propagation of AI computers or the hardware that could become AI computers. "Such systems criminal are a threat to all nations civilized." Seethed Minister Cazeneuve.
Minister Cazeneuve's comments are believed to be in response to the rouge AI V, that has just dumped the records of the late Département des choses inexistant all over wikileaks, and the alleged criminal activity, including outright murder indicated within.
The French Government has refused any comment on the alleged files.
----
AP -- Washington DC -- Adviser on Magical Affairs -- The White House has announced that Dr. Martin Doric has been appointed as the President's Adviser on Magical Affairs with Dr. Carlos Ricardo as an expert on clerical magic. White House Chief of Staff William Daley continued that "We are still seeking an expert in Earth magic. If you are one, let us know."
Presidential wanna be Senator Ted Crude called the move hasty and ill advised. "This needs to be a cabinet position so that the Senate can refuse to confirm any of his appointments." said Ted Crude.
----
FNN -- Notice -- Who is the Stupidest Person on Earth? -- FNN Has started the "Stupidest Person on Earth" contest. A reduction bracket system voted on by the All at large. Nomination will be taken for the next two months, so please get us all the juicy details of how stupid your nominee is. Anyone living on Earth right now is eligible. While we cannot know ahead of time we have a feeling it will be either a politician or a sociology professor.
FNN is currently looking for an artist that can capture the essence of a rotten raspberry in the medium of recycled plastic milk jugs. "We do not feel that the actual award should be in any fashion valuable. Still smelling faintly of spoiled milk would be a plus." Said the unnamed spokesperson
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Autoson "Discusses" Healthcare -- Ben Autoson stated that it should not be up to women to decide what health care they needed. Reproductive health care was only required when a woman was pregnant. Dr. Autoson refused to answer questions about whether he still bled patients or cast out evil spirits.
FNN's "Stupidest Person on Earth" contest sent Ben Autoson the news that his nomination was assured and wished him luck in the bracket polling.
UPDATE: Chicken Noddle News has been informed that a complaint against Dr. Ben Autoson has been made to the AMA that if carried through would result in the loss of his medical license. Dr. Autoson's campaign refused comment.
<BR> 
==10-17-15==
Variety -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Astral Flame on Tour! -- Astral Flame hits the road again with their second North American tour. Newark, Tampa, Montgomery, Cleveland, Montreal, Des Moines , Kansas City, Huston, Albuquerque, Oklahoma City, San Francisco, Portland, Saskatoon, Winnipeg, San Diego, St John, Anchorage, Honolulu, 18 cities, 72 days. The tour is looking to be a smash hit in every respect.
Remember on the last tour ticket scalpers ended up bald. Be good people.
----
NewsEye -- Sedalia Mo -- Only the Expected -- Noted Evangelist Jimmy Sunday was arrested Friday with his dick up another man's ass in a public restroom on the charge of public indecency. Currently the Sunday family is refusing any comment. No doubt a press conference will be held for false apology bingo in the near future. Go to the NewsEye website and get your Bingo card. Prizes will be announced.
----
Pravda -- Moscow, Russia -- Patriarch Assassinated! -- Patriach Nicoli Antonov was assassinated in front of the Cathedral of St Basil in Moscow, A white Fiat carrying an unknown number of men opened fire on Patriarch Antonov and his party, killing the Patriarch and wounding two others.
The assassins are being sought. To date no person or group has claimed responsibility.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Body at School! -- The body of Johnny Badun was found across the street from Central Valley High School this morning prior to the opening of the school day. Mr Badun a local day laborer was found with his pants, and male organs missing, him having bled out from the crotch. 
The Vista City Police are seeking any information about this incident.
<BR> 
==11-9-15==
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Ben Autoson Creates Private Universe -- Today Ben Autoson in addition to the full scholarship to West Point that he turned down was voted most honest by a Yale Class that does not exist. Well it fits in with his home that has a Bible verse on humility craved in the wall, and walls covered with pictures bragging about himself.
Just to remind our gentle readers, West Point does not have scholarships. You win an appointment, and are then in the Army. As to the non existent Yale group, well he has to the be the most honest person in his private universe. Here is to hopping he fades into the Autoson-verse soon.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- War on Christmas Starts Early -- Stabucks has viciously introduced its anti-Christian holiday cup for the season. They are solid red with the Starbucks logo on them. How awful and anti-Christian!! We urge all people more concerned with things that don't matter than those that do to protest at once. We must keep the myth of the War on Christmas alive no matter how badly we have to reach.
----
FNN -- Louisville, KY -- Election Fraud -- Miss Elsa, a woman claiming to be a mountain Hoo Doo witch has stated that "I cast the bones on the honesty of the Gubernatorial election, and it was fraudulent. I am making a citizen's demand for a recount. 
Team Red Candidate Jean Hamster denied the allegations saying. "You cannot trust some old woman that claims she has magical powers granted by the devil." Team Blue Candidate Sam Underly said: "OK, that sounds about right. I am demanding a recount." 
In related news Miss Elsa has filed a slander suit against Jean Hamster. "One cannot in this day and age allow such false allegations to stand, I will see the damn bastard in court." said Miss Elsa.
----
Mother Jones -- Opinion -- The Rodent Plague -- They have not been in the news lately, save for the PSAs with the cute mouse girl, but the plague of objects that turn people into mice continues. It has spread from the United States and is seen around the world. At least one government (Russia - Ed.) was brought down by this plague.
The Government warns, the church preaches, but as far as this gentle commentator can tell no effort has been brought to bear to stop this plague. The cause has not been sought or any effort made to stop it. When is the government going to bring its supposed powerful forces to bear on this issue?
Reply: We do know what causes it. A non-sentient self-directed primal force under no ones control. The solution is simple, follow the advice. When you are offered the ability to abrogate the will of other people by random objects, don't do it. Fail to be a douchebag and for you the issue will never arise. -- Conner Blackmane, Director DSH
PS: If you had not played with the pen douchebag you would not now be a mouse.
<BR> 
==11-18-15==
Chicken Noddle News -- Baton Rouge, LA -- Jackel Turned Out. -- Bobby Jackal in a stunning realization of reality has ended his campaign stating "I never had a chance." Supporters met at Denny's to cry into their Grand Slams, and mourn that could never be. Louisiana is still stuck with him.
----
Faux News -- Pierre, SD -- Magic Ban Proposed -- State Senator Fally Rett has introduced forward looking legislation to ban the use of magic in the state of South Dakota. "Lets head this problem off at the pass. No magic, no Breakout. We will be sittin' pretty when the rest of the world is in flames." said Senator Rett.
We didn't bother to seek out people that use magic for comment since their opinion does not matter.
----
FNN -- Los Angeles, CA -- The Investigation Spreads -- The circle of corruption widens as the Los Angeles Police Department is increasingly drawn into the infestation that stated when District Attorney Deeay allegedly set fire to the District Attorney’s office records.
Police Captain Morty Ded, recently indited in the corruption investigation was found dead in his home, of apparent suicide. This is the second police official that has committed suicide since the affair started.
Mayor Eric Garrent has stated that "We will get to the bottom of this no mater how nay crooked cops shoot themselves."
<BR> 
==11-30-15==
CBS -- Little Rock, AK -- Wanabee Campaign Staggered. -- Forces of the DSH were called in to the campaign headwaters of Fred Wanabee to clear out dark forces that had gathered due to the anger apparently generated by one campaign worker. Worker Frank Baker was remanded to protective custody by the DSH to protect him from Dagon, whom he was found in the act of being corrupted by that entity by agent Favel Rander.
Fred Wanabee said that he is saddened by these events and vowed to continue his quest to find the right Holy protection for his people. He blasted Enlightenment preacher Micheal Flynn as the worker in question had returned from speaking with him a week previous. "He doubtless picked up the taint in that un-Christian place." Said Fred Wanabee. "It was a mistake to look that way for holy magic."
A reply from Micheal Flynn was not yet available at the time of posting.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Crispy Turns on the Disabled -- Chris Crispy having run out of other groups to lambast has turned his attention to the disabled. Governor Crispy attacked a disabled reporter at his last campaign stop, openly mocking the man before everyone. This combined with his openly fascist talking points has seen him drop 17 points in recent polls. Can he go away now?
----
Faux News -- Hoboken, NJ -- Record Lotty Win -- Retired factory worker David O'Cannily has scored a record third winning Powerball lottery ticket. Lottery officials have covered all the bases. Lottery Chairman Dan Dullared said "We have covered all the bases. The ticket is genuine in every way. Mr. O'Cannily is simply very lucky."
David O'Cannily has won a total of 545 million dollars in the Powerball game. He said he intends to stop playing to give other people a chance.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, CA -- Arrests Reported -- The VCPD has reported that arrests have been made in the case of the recent bombings of Tanuki centered location in greater Vista City. The names of accused have not yet been released as the investigation is still in progress.
<BR> 
==12-22-15==
Chicken Noddle News -- Charleston SC -- Lindsey Graham Out -- In a rare moment of clarity South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham has drooped out of the running for the Team Red Nomination for president. Stating general exhaustion and a need to spend time with his family Senator Graham left the race with the statement "If you want to save America, stop Chris Crispy."
Governor Crispy declined comment.
----
Faux News -- Newark, NJ -- Register Magic -- Presidential shoe-in Governor Chris Crispy stated, at a sell out rally, that once elected he will require the registration of all persons using magic in the United States. "Magic is more dangerous than nuclear bombs, stated Governor Crispy. "These people might be in your city, your neighborhood, and until things go seriously non linear you will never know it. "We must as a nation have a handle on who these dangerous people are."
Senator Ted Crude criticized Governor Crispy for using complex words like "non liner" that the 'Murican people do not understand. 
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Reno, NV -- Lights in the Desert -- Countless witness have reported pulsating lights in the sky over the desert northeast of Fallon, NV. Fallon police chief Jeremy Stout reported that "Officially we have not a clue, I saw them myself." The
Deportment of Defense has stated they know nothing about this, but they never do. 
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Unknown Detonation -- The Solar Patrol has reported an unknown detonation in the outer Solar System. The detonation was of sufficient magnitude to have been observed from Earth if it has not been on the other side of the sun. 
The Solar Patrol reports that the explosion was too great to have been natural bodies. The resulting effluvia was consistent with a containment loss in a space vessel. As of yet no vessels are reported missing.
----
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Luthor Rally -- Presidential Candidate for Team Blue, Alexander Luthor opened his most Recent New York rally with a huge grin asking attendees "Are we happy today?" Mr Luthor uncharacteristically smiled through the whole rally. "The US is in great shape." said Mr Luthor. "The rest of the world less so. We need to find a way to share this without shoving it down anyone's throat." The balance of the rally was equally weird. Who is this guy and where is Lex Luthor?
<BR> 
==12-27-15==
Multiple Sources -- Worldwide -- Santa is Real?! -- Reports are coming in from many sources of nocturnal visits on Christmas eve. Presents left for children that their parents knew nothing about. Needy families receiving everything from necessities to Christmas dinner. There is confusion and in some cases alarm. In no known instance was any security tripped, no video gathered, even in the case of hospitals where a present was left for every child. Christmas trees were reported found in homes with none. From the information coming in each and every home in which Christmas is celebrated, and children are present, got a visit.
Why now? Why at all? All we have are questions.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Philadelphia, PA -- Scarlet Support -- In an open rally that was surprisingly well attended Rand Peter once again put forth his message that Team Red is off the rails and headed for disaster. He called on Conservatives that have brains to join the Team Scarlet push and announced that two more sitting congress critters have tossed Team Red for Scarlet. "We are the smart people. We understand real issues, and we care about them." said Rand Peter.
----
BBC International -- Moscow, Russia -- Constitutional Convention -- Russian President Deniska Rogdanov of the Russian Monarchists Party announced today the opening of a constitutional convention to reorder the Russian constitution into a constitutional monarchy as per the platform of his party.
The ex-patriot Prince Dimitri Romanovich has been invited to return to Russia and attend the Convention.
----
FNN -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Magic Fighting Back! -- In reports denied by the Jakarta Government the anti witchcraft campaign is going badly. Two more clerics have been turned into pigs. Some forty persons jailed for accusations of witchcraft have vanished from the jails. Announcements seen have been seen in local papers saying they are not witches and falsely accused, and again pointing out they have never arrested a real witch.
Multiple sources indicate that the Indonesian police are starting to nut up as they want to point guns at something, and have nothing to point guns at. It is beginning to look like the China-Ane unwar, but against an internal threat that will not be visible.
<BR> 
=2016=
==1-4-16==
NewsEye -- Little Rock, AK -- Wanabeen! -- The campaign of Fred Wanabee has come to a lurching, messy end as the stark realization that he never had a chance finally managed to enter his brain. We hope the would be Pastor in Chief will kindly go away now.
----
BBC International -- Canberra, Australia -- Government Hack -- Third parties are reporting that the Australian government has been hacked. Personal details including financial details of all or nearly all Governmental employees have been stolen by parties unknown.
The Canberra Government is refusing comment at this time. No one has claimed credit for the attack.
----
Los Angeles Times -- LA, CA -- Deeay Convicted -- Former LA County Prosecutor Robert Deeay has been convinced on one count of arson and 37 counts of malfeasance in office in Federal court today. Federal Prosecutors are asking for life in prison. Deeay is being held without bond as his is considered a flight risk prior to the sentencing hearing. 
This conviction has brought into question the convictions of thousands of people currently being held in California prisons. The courts are being swamped with appeals of convictions by the Deeay administration. The only saving grace is President Russell turning out weedheads by the dozen.
----
High Times -- Washington DC -- End of the Nightmare -- January 4th President Russell signed the last pardon of the last person held for non violent drug use in America. One third of the US prison population has been turned out to be productive citizens, free to recreate as they choose in the privacy of their homes.
<BR> 
==2-8-16==
NewsEye -- New Hampshire -- Gaylians Attack -- Chris Crispy was magically assaulted with what was was called the "Liar-Liar" curse Monday before the Primaries. His magical protection staff swung into action and he only missed one rally due to compulsive truth telling. We can't have THAT! 
By Monday Evening he was back on the campaign trail fully able to lie and attack Gaylians.
----
BBC -- Anglesey Island, Wales -- Strange Occurrences -- Locals have been reporting strange happenings on Anglesey Island, the traditional last stand of the Druids in ancient times. Various persons have reported ghostly processions, the sound of flutes, drums, and chanting deep in the wild wood. There is a video circulating of such a procession in which the marchers are translucent and one looks back at the cameraman. 
The Local Council says that they are doing nothing about it, it's not in the job description and no one is trained with holy water.
----
Al Jazup -- Berlin, Germany -- Ghostly Apparitions -- Berliners have been reporting people shuffling though the city center late at night, ragged gaunt people that look lost. When approached they vanish. 
City Fathers are concerned these apparitions could affect tourism. Abteilung U has been called in to investigate.
----
Faux News -- Kansas City, Mo. -- Bobby Glory Speaks -- Well respected Evangelist Bobby Glory has stated that God has told him that the appearance of Satanic visions and strange demonic appearances are the result of the USA turning away and coddling Gays and Aliens. It is surly a sign of the End Times that are upon us.
All believers should gather together to defend themselves. The time of tribulation is upon us.
<BR> 
==2-11-16==
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- A Call For Magic Posts -- Senator Elizabeth Warren (MA-B) has called for a permanent Committee on Magic in both the Senate and the House. As well as a Cabinet seat for magic in the Administration. "Magic is not going away, it is only going to get stronger. Ignoring it and denying it are not wise actions. We will either define how we interact with magic, or it will be defined for us." said Senator Warren.
Senator Samuel Numski (AR-R) introduced a bill banning all magic from the United States.
----
NewsEye -- New Hampshire -- Farcina Out! -- Carly Farcina in a sudden and likely painful bolt of reality has ended her campaign for President. You can feel the relief. Ted Crude will have to take over as the chief clown now that she is gone.
----
The Columbus Dispatch -- Columbus, OH -- Strange Happenings -- Students and faculty alike nave reports usual occurrences in Haynes Hall, one of the oldest two structures on the Ohio State Campus. The tower bells have been heard in the middle of the night. Those passing the old theater report hearing lectures,but when looking the chamber is empty, and silent. There are also reports of people wearing the old academic gowns that have not been seen in common use since the 1930s. Lastly reports that the gargoyles and grotesques along the roof have moved.
The University is withholding comment at this time.
----
Mother Jones -- Seaside, Ca -- Breakout News -- Miss Elowin Windmeer has reported that she has become an Elf. "I woke up Sunday morning with pointed ears and funny eyebrows. I lost a cup size too. All my clothing fits like bags. I've been petite my whole life but really." Said Miss Windmeer. Miss Windmeer has yet to subject herself to any medical tests. "I don't know if I want to or really care. Added Miss Windmere. "The shape of my ears has nothing to do with being a paralegal."
<BR> 
==2-18-16==
BBC -- London, Court of St James -- Royal Action -- In a stunning move Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has dismissed Parliament and ordered the Prime Minister to call elections.
The move comes at the head of increasing public dissatisfaction with the governmental stance on fusion power and serving British Petroleum more than the British people. 
-----
Al Jazup -- Jakarta Indonesia -- Magical Unrest -- Further attempts by the government to crack down on witchcraft has resulted in everyone in parliament that has voted for the crackdowns breaking out in boils. Anonymous sources have stated the curse will continue until the persecution ends. The affliction can only be ended by magical means, which they have made illegal. Ergo any member that gets better is dabbling in witchcraft.
Other parties have called for the oath of noble obligation to be made the law.
President Joko Widodo has not been seen. A spokesman for the President says that is in indisposed.
----
ABC News -- New Madrid, MO -- Earthquake -- An earthquake registering 6.1 on the open Richter scale hit New Madrid, Missouri at 8:34 AM on Wednesday. Reports of injures and property damage are still coming in. Thus far no deaths have been reported.
----
MessyNBC -- Philadelphia, PA -- Citizen Action -- A citizen petition is circulating to place on the ballot a proposal to make the Oath of Noble Obligation the law of the land for all public offices, elected or appointed from the Governor on down to the city dog catcher.
This action is motivated by the corruption trials currently shaking Philadelphia to the core. The general cry is "never again" and people are seeing the Oath of Noble Obligation as the means to that end.
As of this report no public official has offered any comment.
----
FNN -- Sacramento, CA -- Court Decision -- California Superior Court case 84456A. Proposition 2: Integrity in Office Act: VS Proposition 11: The Oath of Office Assurance Act. has come to a conclusion. Proposition 11: The Oath of Office Assurance Act has passed court muster. Proposition 2: Integrity in Office Act has been rejected as over broad and vague in intent, as it would also prevent office holders from employing protections against disease or wounding as well as protections against malicious magic.
Supporters of the Integrity in Office Act have stated they will appeal the decision. We can but note they are all elected officials. Afraid of something fellas?
<BR> 
==2-21-16==
NewsEye -- South Carolina -- Shrub Trimmed -- JEB Shrub finally admitted after months of no life signs that his campaign was dead. The announcement came after a dismal showing in the South Carolina Team Red Derby. 
----
Pravda -- Moscow -- Shocking Grave Robbery -- Governmental officials have reported that the grave of Soviet Era leader Joseph Stalin has been destroyed. The brazen defilers broke the tombstone and dug open the coffin. The area of the Kremlin wall Necropolis is currently closed while this matter is investigated. Any witnesses are urged to report what they have seen.
(Many paragraphs explaining Stain's place in history.)
----
BBC -- The Moon -- Asteroid Strike Prevented -- The Corps of Discovery has reported that a minor unnamed space rock was destroyed as it approached Earth. The rock would have impacted the atmosphere over the Atlantic Ocean and while the possible explosion would nave been sizable it would have done no damage. The exercise was conducted out of caution and a desire for practice.
One of the duties of the Solar Patrol is monitoring all possible Earth strike of any body over a meter across.
----
Variety -- Graceland -- He is in the House! -- Elvis Presley has announced that he will once again perform in public. The first performance will be at the Treasure Island Casino Resort. Tickets will be awarded by lottery for this beyond historic post resurrection concert.
<BR> 
==3-7-16==
Pravda -- Moscow -- Vandalism -- The Kremlin offices of the Soviet Premier, which have been closed since the fall of the Soviet state, were torn apart by an unknown person on Saturday. Two elderly persons in the uniforms of Kremlin police were found dead at the scene. They have yet to be identified or the reason for this travesty discovered.
----
BBC -- Istanbul -- Saudi King Deposed Army forces loyal to Ayatollah Cumus Bin Hahad have seized the Saudi government killing King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud. The royal family is either in flight or dead. 
Little in the way of coherent reports are coming out the country. Cumus Bin Hahad styling himself as the Caliph, has promised a new age of Islam, and the end of the Tyranny of legacy of the Crusaders.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Pan Spotted -- Reports from the Department of Super Heroes are coming out that the ancient pagan deities are awakening. A website offering "Shag a God" in the Arcadian highlands of Greece has turned out to be quite real. Pan the ancient Greek demigod is holding wild parties for any that show up.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Luthor Pulling Ahead -- With the results from the super Saturday primaries in Alex Luthor has a 13% lead in the Team Blue primary over Grinders and Clinton.
In the Team Red race, Chris Crispy continues to pull ahead of the rest of the remaining pack. Crispy's supporters claim he has the nomination wrapped up. 
<BR> 
==3-12-16==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Reality Sucks! -- Ben Autoson returned to the prime universe March 4th and ended the campaign for president that only he, in his private universe saw as viable. Ben vows he will continue to work toward a world where his idea of faith rules everyone with an iron hand.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Tulsa, Ok -- Academy Destroyed -- The Right Path Christian Academy in Gerty, Ok was destroyed Friday night. Emergency workers found the staff wandering the grounds of the boarding school looking dazed among the smoldering ruins. All the children boarded at the school are currently missing.
Anonymous sources at the Hughes County Sheriff’s department stated that allegations where made a week ago that children were being abused at the facility that was founded to rescue children at risk. Sheriff Marcia Maxwell when questioned about this stated that any such allegations were strictly false. "Good Christian people do not abuse children." said Sheriff Maxwell.
UPDATE: Chicken Noddle News has been given materials that indicate that the alleged abuse has a basis in fact. As some of the children were brought in from out of state the FBI has been informed. All missing children are located and being kept in a protective location as their parents are also implicated in the abuse.
----
Pravda -- Moscow -- More Strange Deaths -- Five more people have been found dead in the Kremlin this week. The two deaths associated with the break in at the Old Premiere's office where found to be the two guards assigned to that location, age 22 and 24. Both looked to be very old men.
The five deaths most recent are again aged and found with looks of horror stamped on their features.
----
BBC -- London -- Strange Occurrences at Sea -- The Cunard Liner MS Queen Mary 2 reported receiving a radio, Morse code SOS across all radio bands at 2350. They could not locate the source and contacted Thunderbird 5 to scan the sea. No vessel was within 100 miles of the MS Queen Mary 2. The SOS broadcast continued until 0210 and stopped.
No other vessels reported this signal. The MS Queen Mary 2 reported it interfered with normal radio until it ended. The Royal Navy is investigating.
<BR> 
==3-17-16==
MessyNBC -- New York, Ny -- Hideous Occurrence, We Think -- Martin Sheckle dubed "Pharma Bro" in the press for his exorbitant price increase on necessary drugs for cancer treatment was killed Wednesday by a horde of fleas. As he approached the courthouse a black swarm of countless fleas mobbed him and literally ate him alive. Sheckle died screaming as the parasitic insects swarmed over him, especially his armpits. Officials are currently speechless.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Redders Convention Riot Confirmed -- With Super Tuesday failing to produce a clear winner in the Team Red Primaries a contested convention is a certainty. Governor Crispy stated "There will be riots" and is equipping his delegates with body pads, helmets and truncheons. Senator Ted Crude has warned that little blue Gaylians will take over the county if he does not win. Marco Rube has threatened to hold his breath if does not get more delegates.
On the Blue side of the fence Alexander Luthor has pulled ahead of the other nominees, but likewise does not have a clear lead going into the Convention. Clinton is waving the feminist flag high and Grinders is promising more goodies like the Assured Income Act. Luthor the surprise lead, who stated the campaign as a grumpy mogul has turned into a truly charismatic potential leader. There has to be a catch.
Stock up on popcorn people. It will not be dull.
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Tellerite Delegation Arrives -- The Corps of Discovery has announced that a emissary ship form the Tellerites has arrived to negotiate trade agreements with the people of Earth. They are currently in Starbase One being briefed on the Earth political climate and what to expect. A presentation before the UN is expected within a week.
----
BBC -- Moscow -- New Tzar Named -- The new Russian Constitution complete the Duma has named the new Tzar of all the Russias, Maria Vladimirovna, Grand duchess of Russia will be crowned Tzarina May First. 
The Constitution calls for a limited Constitutional monarchy and parliament system similar to Great Britain, but with a single house legislature.
<BR> 
==4-12-16==
Variety -- Los Angeles -- Pumzi ya Uhai -- The new combined Ane and Ansisi band Pumzi ya Uhai plays at the Hollyweird Bowl this coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The much anticipated American debut of this fresh new sound. We under stand that few tickets are left so hurry to the box office while you can.
The music is truly something different, Ane vocal music, yes they have such. Ane voices are hauntingly beautiful, like tenor flutes in intricate harmonies. This is a do not miss concert.
----
Business Week -- Los Angeles -- Playboy Acquired -- Allion Group announced today that it has acquired Playboy Enterprises in its entirety. They have announced there will be changes in management and promise a return to the quality and content of the magazine's best years. It was further announced that a total restructure of on-line price points to something reasonable and affordable.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Team Red Confusion -- With Ted Crude catching up to Chris Crispy in the primaries the reality of a contested convention looms in Cleveland. It is not believed that Crispy, rapidly becoming the most hated man in America can pull together enough delegates to win the first ballot nomination. After that the gloves are off. 
----
Faux News -- Camden, NJ -- Sour Grapes -- Sources close the Crispy campaign has stated that "They will burn Team Red to the ground" if Crispy is denied the nomination he so richly deserves and has clearly won.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Luthor on the Rise -- With the Team Blue nomination in flux the forces of Lex Luthor are rising fast. His poll numbers are now topping both Grinders and Clinton. The man himself has caught fire and his public appearances have become upbeat, positive, and high energy. Hardly the nearly grim man that started the campaign.
----
NewsEye -- Kansas City, Mo -- Free Ride Over -- Firebrand preacher Bobby Boardman has called on all sinners, Gaylians and immoral persons to repent quickly as Ghodd will destroy the United States in massive fireball before the end of the year. Quicker if a Team Blue president is elected. Boradman has claimed that Ghodd has empowered him to make the call, and there will be no turning back. Book your tickets to Kentarui now people...or not.
<BR> 
==5-10-16==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Politics Unusual -- With the Team Red field reduced to Chris Crispy,and the party leadership not at all happy about same, the Redders stream towards the clown party in Cleveland, 
Ohio to be hopefully enthusiastic to the full extent required by party by-laws.
Meanwhile Team Blue is rolling up it's sleeves for a battle. With the Trio of Billery, Grinders and Luthor there is no clear winner. The Team Red convention is looking to be a battlefield in which only the American people fail to win.
Make popcorn people.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Kuala Lumpur -- Space Elevator Announced -- Prime Minister Najib Razak has announced that Malaysia will construct a space elevator. The location directly on the equator has been chosen and designs are currently being solicited. They hope to begin construction by 2020.
When comment was sought from the Corps of Discovery, Spokesman Anthony Allion replied "We hope to have a working transporter by 2020, that would make a space elevator pointless. Malaysia knows this. I think the only thing they are seriously soliciting is bribes."
----
Los Angeles Times -- Opinion -- We are concerned about the increasing use and dependance on magic and technology to counter the natural flow of nature. The largest example being the Anthropomorphic hydration of southern California.
With the taps filling the reservoirs the rain that fell this winter was thrown away, allowed to flow to the ocean when millions around the world are wanting for fresh clean water. Natural resources are being spurned in favor of artificial water. Artificial water of which the health effects have not been studied. People are blind to what ecological damage the magical and artificial taps are causing.
Now we understand the Midwestern farmers are looking to acquire water taps as well, ending their long dependance on the natural water of rain and the Ogallala Aquifer. Mark my words, no good will come of this. Plenty will encourage waste, hastening the day our planet is bone dry and all the water used up. -- Sol Greene
----
Faux News -- Chicago Il -- Unusual Happenings -- Employees of the City of Chicago have reported a series of strange happenings in the City Hall building. Petty theft is on the rise. In every case so far the pilfered items have been found squirreled away in the Mayor's desk.
Naturally the Mayor was suspected, until he was gone for a week at the National Mayors' Conference in Las Vegas and items still vanished, and appeared in his desk.
The matter escalated when various departments' petty cash banks started to vanish out of locked drawers. You guessed it, Mayor's desk.
Security has checked the camera system repeatedly and has found nothing. Mayor Rahm Emanuel has begun rifling his desk every morning and placing the missing items on the credenza in the outer office.
<BR> 
==7-28-16==
Chicken Noddle News -- Philadelphia, Pa -- BNC Names Luthor -- In a somewhat surprising move the Blue National Convention has named Alexander Luthor as the Presidential nominee after a hard floor fight lasting long into the night. It was 3 AM by the time that Luthor made his acceptance speech with his shirt open and tie off.
Luthor called for National unity. "While the nation is indeed in excellent economic shape there are troubles ahead and we must, to echo Franklin, stand together, or die separately. I do not expect to be the President that sees the nation though the Breakout, that we hope is a Generation in our future, however I MUST be the President that lays the ground work for whomever comes after me, regardless of party or politics. What we do today, will assure our nation survives, or does not."
"First there must be a ridged adherence to facts. Magic, is a FACT, Denying it or wishing it away is not helpful. Those that attempt to do this are not our friends, be they domestic or foreign. Those that will not admit the facts, must be cast aside, as painful as that might be, for the survival of all. The quicker the cull is done, the better."
"Aliens and Outsiders are FACTS. They are not going away. We are encountering more all the time. The opportunity to hide under the covers is long gone. Get UP, get OUT, and OPEN YOUR EYES! Your very survival, the survival of our nation depend on this."
"There is more to be said. I will be saying it, but the hour is late and doubtless enthusiasm, or the ability to retain what is spoken is poor. We will have plenty of opportunity to say to the American public what needs to be said. Let us close the meeting, go to bed and approach the coming battle rested, ready, and informed. Mr Chairman, I hand you the floor and I personalty make the motion to adjourn for the evening. Thank you one and all,"
Mr Luthor, a leading industrialist will face off against Chris Crispy, the Team Red candidate, in November.
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga. -- Mayhem in Marietta! -- Timothy Blackmane has been arrested for the vicious murder of six men in the parking lot of his store, and the serious wounding of six others via magic. 
----
Tulsa World -- Tulsa, Ok. -- End Times Coming -- Leading Evangelist and President of Oral Robbers University Dr. Mark Mateland has again called on All Christians to get ready for the End Times. "Do not let Godless politicians and religious fakers fool you, Magic is the tool of Satan and those that advocate magic are the minions of Satan. Turn away from the Godlsss and join your righteous brothers." said Dr. Mark Mateland
----
The Times-Picayune -- New Orleans, La -- Mysterious Happenings -- Mr Cletus Bucane, reported dead two years ago walked into a local Constabulary office claiming that he had been held as a Zombie for the last two years. Mr Bucane was taken to Hospital and the Local FBI office informed of the possible kidnapping.
<BR> 
==8-11-16==
NewsEye -- Kansas City, Mo -- Murderers Caught -- Some Dumb Asshole was arrested at the Fire of Zion church on Wednesday the 3rd for the murder of four young women. The FBI reports that the murders were carried out in the basement of the church as ritual sacrifice to a dark god called "Avix the Kite".
This Tuesday three other dumb assholes who are alleged to have participated in the same ritual murders were arrested in Georgia. 
All four women were resurrected by Molly Abba, whose god Abba Eecreeana is the sworn foe of Avix the Kite. The women have positivity identified all four dumb assholes. The names of the women are being withheld for their protection.
The trial date has not been set at this time. The End of the World scheduled for the end of the year by said dumb asshole number One has been canceled until further notice.
The FBI Bureau 13, in a statement backed by Molly Abba of the Sect of Abba Eecreeana warns everyone that Avix the Kite is a real being that wants you dead, likely sooner than later. Do not tempt this. Class this being in the same category as Dagon.
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- People Take Warning -- The Reverend John Sternn DD, best known for the Family Church of the Air warns all people to avoid any pagan "so called" gods. It is not just the ones the FBI warns you about, but all of them. The FBI is in the fold of the idolaters and heretics. For the sake of you soul stay away.
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Crispy Crisped? -- Governor and non stop mouth Chris Crispy stated as an aside that "Second Amendment people should take care of Luthor or any of his judges should he be elected."
The Luthor campaign replied that Crispy is off his rocker and needs to be investigated for his terrorist comments.
Chrispy's handlers are scrambling to explain what their "speaks his mind" candidate really meant while speaking his mind.
Current polls have Luthor 18% over Crispy, up three points from the previous night.
----
BBC -- Istanbul -- Saudi Unrest -- Reports from The Caliphate, formerly Saudi Arabia indicate widespread unrest at the further religious and social strictures imposed by the country's theocratic leader Iben Ben Sadar. Unconfirmed reports indicate that gangs of armed women are roaming the streets killing religious police and clerics.
<BR> 
==8-17-16==
NewsEye -- Chicago, Il -- Crispy Rally -- The Dounut in Chief Gov. Chris Crispy spoke to an enthusiastic crowd on Wednesday night while the Chicago police abused protesters. "America Needs Security." Said Gov Crispy. "I have yugh security. My security is positivity large. Ane are not secure. They pop everywhere, we need to secure the Ane. I will build an anti-pop dome over America and get the Ane to pay for it. Because America deserves to be secure." The crowd failing to understand a single thing he said cheered wildly.
NewsEye sought comment from the Ane Ambassador, Truilan. She said. "He hasn't a clue as to how it could be done, and it can't. While you can block access to buildings or small areas, there is not enough money in the whole world to pay for the block by block protection of a whole country. I hope he likes jet lag because he can't buy our services any longer."
----
MessyNBC -- Seabrook NH -- Fission Be Gone -- Con Edison is balking at the decommissioning of the Seabrook Nuclear power plant. They are suing the state to prevent their shareholders from bearing the cost of the necessary clean up and removal of the highly poisonous fission fuel. 
State representatives have been adamant. Their power plant, their problem. "Public money will not be used to deal with this issue. Con Edison was more than willing to rake in the profits from the power plant they can deal with the losses." Said a Department of Natural Resources spokesperson. 
The Seabrook nuclear power plant has been rendered increasingly obsolete as more and more neighborhood associations are investing in local fusion power. The truck sized power plants replace a substation and can power an equal area. They are not subject to wide spread power outages.
Con Edison has attempted to make local control of power plants illegal. They have been successful in Massachusetts and New Jersey, but not in New Hampshire. 
----
BBC International -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Continued Unrest -- President Joko Widodo has resigned after a six month absence from pubic life. Spokespersons for the president state "health reasons". President Joko Widodo himself has not been seen or heard since February of 2016. Rumors that he has been moused, or worse turned into a pig are rampant. 
The open state of civil war has simmered down to a uneasy standoff. Government forces are ever vigilant for a foe that simply cannot be found. Witches exist, that has been demonstrated, but they are not visible.
The general roundups have ceased. They result in pigged police and empty cells. The anti-witchcraft laws remain in place in spite of the plague of boils on the parliament. However most local officials fear to attempt to enforce them. As stated the foe is invisible, and unknown. 
----
The Times-Picayune -- New Orleans, La -- More Zombies -- A second former zombie has been found. Marian Fremont, who was buried a year ago was found walking down a road in the Ninth Ward. She was not quite herself, but was able to give a statement of her name.
Constables are seeking the Zombie master and have contacted the FBI as this is a matter of Federal law.
<BR> 
==9-8-16==
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Who has the Better Plane?-- Gov Chris Crispy is noted to have a larger plane that Alex Luthor. This matters. Gov Crispy has a 767 while Luthor only has a Boeing BBJi. It is noted that Gov Crispy has leased the aircraft for his campaign, while Luthor is using an existing private jet in his fleet. This matters and should affect your decision in November.
It is also noted that Crisply no longer uses the Bicorn Services transportation.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- O'Really Suspended.-- Faux News host and moderator of the top rated O'Really Factor has been suspected until further notice. Faux News executives have confirmed this is due to the outstanding sexual allegations against O'Really. "We are sure he will shortly clear his name and return to the fold." Stated an unnamed Faux News spokesman.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Stapleton on the Rocks -- Sources inside 20th Century Faux have indicated that Jon Stapleton the current head of Faux News is on the outs with the Murdocs. Disagreements with the tone and direction of Faux News have caused increasing friction. Jon Stapleton is the fifth Executive that Faux News has had since the death of Roger Partner.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- End of the War -- President Russel has ordered the end of the Schedule One classification for any drug. "It is not the job of a bunch of bureaucrats to determine what is useful, or may be useful in the future. The very existence of the Schedule One has ruined the lives of countless Americans without cause or reason. Not to mention that what was once labeled 'medically useless' has proven to be useful. For example Heroin is considered a scourge with no medical use, but Oxycontin, its chemical kissing cousin is available in any pharmacy. Time to end the charade." said President Russel.
Team Red spokesmen stated that "Russel is ruining the country. Without the War on Some Drugs how will police departments fund themselves?" Said spokesmen that are currently running for office declined to be identified.
----
Huff Post -- Opinion -- Artificial Water -- We are to understand that Anthony Allion has installed magical water taps throughout sub Saharan Africa. This will subject some of the poorest people on Earth to the horrors of artificial water. Artificial water that has yet to undergo a scientific study on its health effects that I would ignore if I don't agree with it.
This Anthropomorphic Hydration needs to be stopped. The Earth's water is being used up at a faster and faster rate. --Sol Greene
Comment: You are starting to get on my nerves. --Anthony Allion.
----
Mother Jones -- The Editor -- The Rising Dead -- It has been noted this year that there are frequent examples of the restless dead making themselves known. Wandering ghosts in Berlin, The dead of Titanic hovering over the wreck site. President McKinley haunting the White House.
The most recent example is the most disturbing. The dead fro\m the Trail of Tears, physically rising from the ground and marching back to the Smokey Mountains, en-mass. As of this publication that march is still in progress.
Authorities have done nothing to stop this, they are protecting the walking dead from the public, and the public from the walking dead, however it is noted they have not done violence to any living person.
Mother Jones wished to withhold comment on the methods the Authorities are using. While they have not resulted in any violence to the living, the case is still open. We are concerned. The world is changing, and the shape is yet to be known.
Website Update: The Walking Dead destroyed the tomb of President Andrew Jackson. DSH Hero Suzy Watterson, who has been working the case stated: "Fuck him, he asked for it. Anyway, it's a small price to pay for keeping living people unhurt." Park officials are reportedly not at all happy. The bones of President Jackson cannot be located.
<BR> 
==9-21-16==
Faux News -- Nashville, TN -- DSH Failure! -- The so called Department of Super Heroes failed in their protection of the public in the recent week long March of the Dead from Oklahoma to Tennessee. No effort was made to stop this progress of unnatural evil. 
The DSH allowed these unholy dead to assault and destroy the tomb of beloved President Andrew Jackson and steal his remains. 
Indeed the way was cleared and those that would protect us from the assault were deterred. The Reverend Paul Roman was stopped from praying the unnatural hoard down. "I was dragged away from my Christian duty by that punk kid 'Atomic Andy' he doesn't even use a real name. I was decried and dismissed. The unholy march is what they protected." said Rev. Paul Roman.
The unholy hoard have now slipped into the Great Smokey Mountains were they may still pose a threat.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, GA -- Trail of Tears Reversed -- A horde of walking dead identified as being those forced to walk the Trail of Tears in 1838 and 1839 have come to rest in the Great Smokey Mountains. Individuals from the horde were observed burying themselves while being given the proper rites by Cherokee Clerics.
Bureau 13 officials, the Federal division of the FBI tasked with dealing with magical threats, stated that this was the result of a long simmering injustice and the rising magic level. 
Swift action by Bureau 13 and the Department of Super Heroes kept the pubic and the restless dead apart. There were no incidents or any injuries to the living.
The DSH did report that the restless dead destroyed the Tomb of late President Andrew Jackson. His remains are missing. DSH spokesperson Suzy Watterson said: "All considered we will call this a win. No living persons or property was damaged, and the old SOB had it coming." The National Park Service is not happy. Plans are being made to restore the tomb.
Clerics have warned that with the rising level of magic more such breakouts of the restless dead are likely. Ghosts wandering the streets of Berlin at night and a scene of horror from the sinking of the Titanic have been observed as well. One incident in Utah involved murdered cannibalized women from long before Columbus. The public is warned to be vigilant and keep Bureau 13 on your speed dial. "Do not be engagin' the unfortunate souls" said noted Enlightenment Cleric Michael Flynn. "Ye be best ta call the Bureau and move away. Leave the putten of the pur souls ta rest to those that know the business." 
----
NewsOn6 -- Tulsa, OK -- Gruesome Murder -- Manford Police are reporting the body of what is being reported to be a female Faun, or Satyr was located by children in a wooded area of Manford near the reservoir lake. The 'woman' was reported to have been brutally beaten to death. Police have no idea at this time as to her identity or origin. The public is urged to be fearful and report anything they know.
----
WTVQ Channel 36 -- Harrisonville, KY -- Centaur of Attention -- Mr Cory Addison or Harrisonvile, Kentucky has reported that he has become a Centaur. "It is rather hard to hide". said Mr Addison "I am living out of my garage as I cannot get into the house. I went from 5'10" to 7'6", not to mention the extra legs." Mrs. Addison refused any comment.
Bureau 13 has been contacted to aid Mr Addison in adjusting to his circumstances. The city of Harrionville has stated they will use torturous code enforcement and anything else they can think of to make Cory Addison's life a living hell.
<BR> 
==10-1-16==
MessyNBC -- Camden, NJ -- The Truth Bared -- With Crispy digging the Miss Universe hole even deeper with "Look at the Sex Tape" it is found she doesn't have one. But HE DOES! It seems the Governor has a miss spent youth that included a flirtation into porn. Thankfully he is not a featured player. But it seems one should be careful what they ask for.
Team Red Spokespersons had no comment but were looking for placers to hide, and updating resumes.
Alex Luthor the Team Blue candidate when asked for comment Just shoke is head saying, "You have got to be kidding."
----
BBC International -- Istanbul, Turkey -- Old Horror Revisited -- Scattered reports from Eastern Anatolia in Turkey report rumors of mass graves opening and spilling forth the angry dead. Istanbul denies all such reports as vicious rumor and has closed the region to all foreigners and most especially reporters. The Turkish government is obviously unaware of the resolution of modern orbital sensors.
The BBC has formally requested the Solar Patrol to look into this and rescue innocent persons from any vengeful dead.
----
FNN -- Riyadh -- Revolution Over -- Queen Fatima announced from her throne in Riyadh that the revolution was over. "The religious oppression is ended. The rule of oppressing women for being women is forever ended. All Sharia law is ended. People may wear what they please, they may worship as they please, men and women may mingle as nature intended. Men be warned, rape or assault against a female will be harshly punished. We know there is much to be undone, three generations of malsocialization will not be changed overnight." Said Queen Fatima.
Bands of armed, bare faced females continue to patrol the streets. Women have taken over the military equipment ousting the soldiers of the Caliphate. Exactly how is not known.
The Queen has asked representatives of the Sentient Rights Agreement Foundation to come to Riyadh for talks.
Various persons about the Islamic world have expressed concerns over access to Mecca for the Hajj. No word is forthcoming form the government of the new Queen.
----
CBS -- Chicago Il -- Fairy Godfather Strikes Again -- Clarence Reamer AKA Fairy Godfather has arrested the Chicago Chief of Police on Federal corruption changes. A most detailed file was submitted to the Federal prosecutor indicating widespread malfeasance within the Chicago Police Department as a matter of policy. 
<BR>  
==10-14-16==
FNN -- Brazzaville, Congo -- Monster Found! -- Mokèlé-mbèmbé has made a positive appearance. The long legendary monster of the upper Congo River overturned a boat before many witnesses. Photos were acquired that are in focus. (Several photos of an elephant sized sauropod like creature.) One man was drowned in the incident where the Mokèlé-mbèmbé appeared agitated by the boat. It shortly thereafter vanished into the river.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- An Historic Agreement -- The State Department has announced an historic agreement with the Seelie Court of the Half world on how to deal with issues arising form the coming Breakout. (Photo op with Secretary John Derry and an Elf that looks like he would rather be anyplace else.) Details of the agreement have yet to be published, and we don't care because no plane crash.
----
BBC -- London -- Tower Closed! -- The Queen's Household has announced that the Tower of London has been closed to tourists until further notice. No reason was given by the Yeoman Warders at this time.
Preliminary reports from those present indicate that someone was either injured or killed, we do not yet know, by...something...in the Salt Tower. Scotland Yard was called in and has refused comment.
----
Faux News -- Bakersfield, CA -- Crispy Rally -- Governor Crispy said in a rally today that once elected he will order the US army to conquer the half world so it cannot threaten the United States in any fashion. "Once brought to heel these fay fags will do as we tell them." Said Gov. Crispy.
<BR> 
==10-27-16==
Faux News -- Camden, NJ -- Crispy Shoe In -- The Campaign of Governor Crispy has declared they are a shoe-in for the White House and any other result is a fix by Team Blue rigging the election. Don't be sheep people.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Bloomington, Il -- Insurance News.-- State Farm Insurance, a Mutual company has announced that in addition to its new and popular Life Assurance polices, that pay to raise you from the dead, it has added a Shape Insurance policy. Should the Breakout change your physical shape the policy will pay $50,000 to help you adapt to your new circumstances. Greater amounts are available on request. Of mention was Mr Cory Addison of Harrisonville, KY who was involuntarily changed into a Centaur. 
----
BBC -- Cardiff, Wales -- Shocking Occurrence. -- The Village of Llangwyllog on Anglesey, Wales has vanished. Even the B5111 highway is missing for five miles around the former village. The village has been replaced by heavy forest. 
 
As of this hour the British Army has cordoned off the whole area. No passage into the area is permitted. The Government has yet to make any statement.
----
Los Angeles Times -- LA, CA - Ya Think? -- Los Angeles Police report that there were called to make a welfare check on Mr Sol Greene of San Bernardo Valley. A mouse claiming to be Mr Greene was found amid hundreds of plastic water bottles, both empty and sealed. The agitator against one of the most healthful and plentiful water sources in the United States was using, gasp! Bottled Water!! Clutch your pearls at will. 
Police called mental health officials and left Mr Greene to his fate after attempting to confiscate the magic keyboard on the grounds it would abrogate the will of others. The keyboard vanished. Don't worry, apparently it bricked Mr Greene's computer as well.
<BR> 
==11-15-16==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Cabinet Announced -- President Elect Luthor has announced that he is making no changes in the Cabinet as it stands. The President Elect has requested a signed letter of resignation from each cabinet member with the understanding that none will be used until after the first 100 days. The only change that President Elect Luthor is making is Martin Doric as the Secretory for Magic Affairs, which will be a new cabinet post recently passing congressional muster. It is the first new cabinet post since the Secretary of Veterans Affairs was established in 1989.
Mr. Luthor has been meeting frequently with President Russel during the transitional period.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- End of the DEA -- President Russel has announced that the DEA is being broken up into either the FBI for law enforcement issues or into the FDA to give them sufficient manpower and budget to actually do their job. "The lion's share is going to the FDA. They have been woefully underfunded and under manned for years, mainly because of the War on Some Drugs was more important to past administrations that keeping salmonella out of the food supply." said a White House spokesperson.
----
Faux News -- Topeka, Ka -- A Sternn Warning -- The Rev John Sternn speaking to a huge crowd at the Topeka Baptist Church stated that "God will punish the country for a third straight godless president. Things are going to go badly the time of tribulation is upon us. Devils are become evident and Satan's power is rising." Said Rev Sternn. Well we warned people.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- New Alien Diplomacy -- -- The Corps of Discovery has announced that contact has been made with the Denobulan people. A planet 22 light years from Earth. Last year one of their ships was damaged near the Sol system and picked up by the Solar Patrol. The CDSS Helen returned the crew of the badly damaged ship and successfully initiated diplomatic ties. The Denobulans are interested in the greater mission of the Corps of Discovery and may shortly join the effort.
<BR> 
==11-29-16==
World Weakly News -- Dixville Notch, NH -- Cardiff Giant Missing! -- The Famous 19th century hoax of a petrified giant that has long rested in the Farmers' Museum in Cooperstown, New York was found missing on Monday the 28th when the museum went to open. The front door of the museum was forced open, apparently from the inside. Cooperstown police are seeking witness and clues. The Giant, a large carved block of gypsum, would not be easy to move. The Farmer's Museum found nothing else missing.
----
FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- Colony Ship Leaving -- The ADF Babe has departed for Association and New Barris with Earth colonists and animals on board. Of note the current Colonists have gotten clearance to import Llamas to New Barris, the first time this animal has left Earth.
----
Faux News -- Spokane, Wa -- Catboy Attacks! -- Sources indicate that the long dormant Spokane Catboy has been seen again. Apparently the customer in front of him at Joey's Rib Shack decided to rob the place. Employees report that the Catboy hissed, growled in most menacing fashion, then pounced, slapping the would be robber senseless.
He got his ribs and departed before the police arrived. No one saw what he was driving.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, GA -- Mayor DEAD!! -- Today Mayor Carson Stalk was found dead in his office. An explosion rocked the office, and when first responders arrived the office was in ruins and the Mayor dead on the site. Apparently something in his desk detonated, an investigation is underway at this time. No one else was reported injured.
Stay with Chicken Noddle News as will with give you nearly the coverage you need as this was not a plane crash.
<BR> 
==12-19-16==
BBC -- Paris, France -- Live on the Moon! -- The European Space Agency has announced that open immigration to Edoardo Amaldi City on the MOON will begun January 1, 2017. "Persons of good character and necessary professions will be selected first. One need not be a scientist or pilot." Said spokesperson Louis Barnard. "Families are encouraged, preferred even. All accepted applicants will undergo a period of training for the conditions of living under a pressure dome environment." Added Louis Barnard.
The ESA has informed the BBC that the civil government will be treated as a Department of France. Civil functions will be handled by an appointed body of the ESA until the local population reaches ten thousand at which point elections will take place. 
Applicants are expected to number in the millions. There is currently room for 25,000. That is expected to expand.
----
Faux News -- Pokeamoose, WI -- Abominable Snow Monster -- Reports are coming in of a giant living snow man wrecking havoc throughout the suburban area. Eye witnesses report that the beast looks like a traditional snow man, sort of "Frosty the Snowman" as per the cartoon but 12 foot tall and not at all friendly.
The Abominable beast was last seen moving West after smashing windows and doing other mischief at Bill Watterson Elementary School in Pokeamoose, WI. One unnamed minor was treated for frostbite after being "mauled" by the beast.
Governor Wanker has called on the DSH to handle this matter. "If the liberal controlled body can." He further added, "We have no idea of a responsible party, so I'll blame Team Blue's current polices and being lax on Gaylians."
----
MessyNBC -- Tuplio, MS -- Strange Happenings -- Police report finding a woman wearing outlandish clothing and armed with a sword and pistols, wandering outside the Collins House, an antebellum pile that has been abandoned since the 1940s.
The woman is currently in custody and so far speaks no language they can find.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Dallas, TX -- Anti gravity Bus Service -- Greyhound Lines has announced a subsidiary Line to be called GreyGoose Line employing Navistar AirBus anti-gravity transports. The first service will be in the Dalas-Fort Worth to Huston corridor, and the Boston to Washington DC corridor. GreyGoose will offer fast comfortable commuter service without the hassle of the airport. All stops will be done at existing Greyhound facilities. The first flights are expected to be in March.
<BR> 
==12-27-16==
Chicken Noddle News -- Allenwood, PN -- Prison Escape -- Federal authorities are reporting that the criminal Meta known as God's Lightning has escaped from the Allenwood Federal Penitentiary, This Meta is always armed and extremely dangerous. If you see this man move away at once and report the sighting to the Department of Super Heroes 555-555-5555. Do not go near this person.
----
MessyNBC -- Sabotron, Az -- Technomorph News -- Alphabot has reported that the primary work on the city of Sabotron has finished. The Human Hotel and Visitor Center is open and they are willing to entertain guests that like having their heads questioned off. "We are curious about Human culture and welcome this chance to get primary sources from the makers of this Culture " Said Alphabot.
Comment: Don't even get started on sex, you'll burn your circuits out. -Darylaban.
----
BBC -- Anglesey, Wales -- Anglesey Closed -- The Government of Great Britain has announced that the Island of Anglesey in Wales is now closed to non residence persons. Furthermore the Government will aid anyone that wishes to leave the island as necessary. "We are not to the point of kicking people off, but it is getting that way. Get out in an orderly manner while you can." stated an unnamed Crown Spokesperson.
Unconfirmed reports indicate this has been precipitated by yet anther half world inversion on the island. Mi-13 is said to be holding a number of persons that dress funny and do not speak English, and they are not from America.
----
FNN -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Religious Unrest -- Reports are coming out that the Indonesian Parliament has relented, repealing the anti witchcraft measures effective imminently. 
Religious extremists have been holding violent protests in the city attacking anyone they think is a witch. Reports are indicating that several such groups suddenly stopped fighting and wandered away. There has been one reported pigging, but no conformation at this time. One Inman was hit by a bus while agitating a crowd in the street.
Anonymous witches have hailed the move by the Parliament to let people live in peace. They further state that attacks on random persons will not hurt witches. However they do identify the attackers for Karmic Backlash. "The only people committing violence are those that demand everyone behave as they wish. We will take action only in self defense or the defense of the innocent." Stated an anonymous reporter.
The Government has urged calm. Violence will result in arrests. 
<BR> 
=2017=
==1-11-17==
Chicken Noddle News -- Hell, Mi -- Well Everyone, it Happens -- The US weather service has reported that the ambient temperature in the shade of Hell was below 32°f (0°c). All improbable things are now permitted to happen. Have fun folks.
----
FNN -- Dannenberg, Saxony -- Bog Bodies Rise -- Reports coming out of Dannenberg indicate that 20 bodies have risen from the Maujahn Moor, a kettle bog near the town. The bodies, unidentifiable as to gender are dressed in dark ages armor. They were seen shuffling toward the town. German authorities have not replied to calls we have made.
----
Faux News -- Tulsa, OK -- Family Church of the Air is back -- Leading Evangelist, John Sternn in association with the President of Oral Robbers University has announced the return of the Family Church of the Air, which as been off the air since the ungodly Walt Dizney Corporation bought and dismantled the Family Channel, solely to end the Christian programing on that channel.
"We will take up the good fight as before my fellow Christians" stated Rev John Stenn. "The work of God will go forth into the darkness bringing the Light of Word to one and all. We pray that God will bless our effort with souls saved, and Gaylians defeated."
Dizney refused comment on the move.
----
BBC -- Riyadh, United Arabia -- New Agreement -- Queen Fatima has announced that United Arabia has signed the Sentient Rights Agreement. Other Arab League members have decried the move as giving in. Queen Fatima commented "The end of oil is passed. We cannot depend on that source of income. We must modernize now while we still have wealth or we will be reduced, once again, to nomads in the sand. With this agreement we state our wish to be part of the modern world." 
Queen Fatima added "The way to Mecca is open. Any that travel here will be held to the standards of the Sentient Rights Agreement, which is not against Islam, only thuggery. Thuggery will be swiftly punished."
----
MessyNBC -- Yellowstone, WY -- Faithful NOT!! -- For the first time on known history the old Faithful geyser failed to erupt on time. For reasons unknown the geyser failed to erupt for two days. It began erupting again, but the long established intervals have not resumed.
Experienced geologists of the USGS have stated that micro-tremors in the area due to deep magma movement have been decreasing and shifting. "This is indicative of Yellowstone moving off the hotspot due to confidential drift. It isn't happening in our lifetime, but it is happening." stated an unnamed spokesperson.
<BR> 
==1-17-17==
WVUE 8 Faux News -- New Orleans, LA -- Zombie Trial -- One Limejello Jones AKA Papa Judu was convicted of 5 counts of kidnapping, poisoning, and enslavement in a sensational trial lasting 2 months. Mr Jones is expected to face the sentencing hearing in two weeks the prosecution is asking for Life without possibility of parole considering the gravity of the crime. 
Mr Jones, also known as the Zombie King used a method of enslaving the wills of people with chemicals, not magic as was heavily stressed by both prosecution and defense. Witnesses also testified that while associated with Voodoo this is not a Voodun rite and has nothing to do with the cult. Do not attack Voodun churches.
The investigation was a joint effort between the NO Constables department and the DSH. 
Full details and video on the trial in progress can be found on WVUE8,com our 24/7 news site.
----
Sun Sentinel -- Fort Lauderdale, FA -- Angry Sinkhole? -- Witnesses report seeing a sinkhole form near an unknown man in Fort Lauderdale near SW 6th St and SN 4th Ave. "The Earth opened under his feet" reported an unnamed witness. "He scrambled away but the sinkhole followed him eatin' the ground below him until he done fell in."
Authorities have cordoned off the area and are probing the sinkhole in hopes of recovering the unknown man. The Sinkhole is 20 feet long, six feet across, and of an unknown depth.SW 6th St. will remained closed until further notice.
----
The Topeka Capital-Journal -- Topeka, KS -- Magic Controls -- District 70 representative John Howler has introduced bill 2017-56H to require the registration and licensing of all persons using magic in the State of Kansas. "I believe that this bill is a necessary step to prevent harm by magic. We register handguns, and magic is far more dangerous than that." said Congressman Howler.
Civil libertarians have already raised serious questions to the bill's constitutionality and even if it is enforceable. As the bill calls for forbidding anyone convicted of a felony from working magic, how do you make people unlearn it?
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Orion Refugees -- A vessel carrying 452 persons has arrived at Starbase One from Vegaris. The passengers are both Green and Gold Orions. They say they are refugees from the increasingly chaotic circumstances of Vegaris and seek asylum. 
It is noted that there was some consternation when the Golds were informed that slavery is not permitted here. All living property is former property and free persons. Two Gold males required restraint, preventing them from attempting to reload people onto the overloaded ship to try someplace else. 
It seems they expected that someone named Lord Osgui would have conquered Earth by now, making it friendly to their ways.
<BR> 
==1-26-17==
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- The UN is Out of Date -- François Delattre, the UN Ambassador from France has called for a reassessment of the role of the United Nations. "The structure of the United Nations fails to serve the modern world. It is time I believe to reassess the charter and to rewrite it to meet the needs of an Earth in the starfareing age. We are dealing with united worlds, multi-world interstellar confederations. Petty feuding among ourselves over nationalism and religious differences must end if we are to survive as a people. The UN must be positioned to be that body." stated
François Delattre.
Reaction can be heard as the general howling just about everywhere. The Ane Confederation applauded the suggestion and has offered the Sentient Rights Agreement as a good starting point for a united Earth.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- More Missing Girls -- Darlene Murphy, an attractive, white, high school aged female was reported missing this morning by her parents. Darlene has not been seen since 8 PM yesterday when she went to a dinner party with friends. Sand Friends report they knew nothing about such plans.
Anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of Darlene Murphy is urged to contact the police.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Luthor a Do-Nothing! -- In his first week in office President Luthor has done nothing. The White House press secretary, the same one Russel had. He was too lazy to even get a new cabinet. Reported that "The President has spent the week in briefings with cabinet members and seeing that FEMA is on the spot for the Southern communities affected by the weekend's storms."
Not much of anything!
----
FNN -- Seattle, Wa -- Brazen Bank Robbery -- A branch of the First Federal Bank of Seattle was robbed during the middle of the night. The branch was blasted into in a brazen fashion the vault breached and the robbers gone before the Police arrived to a scene of total devastation.
<BR> 
==2-25-17==
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Assassination attempt -- Loonies in a stolen Confederate Air Force B-25 attempted to assassinate President Luthor Friday firing on the White House with the aircraft's 75mm gun. Lucky for everyone they were lousy shots and the only damage was to shrubbery outside the White House.
Elements of the DSH captured the would be assassins and even managed to rescue the purloined plane. The ringleader one "Mad" Jack Mack, yes, he called himself that. Claimed that four Team Blue presidents in a row was the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He was saving the country.
All four have been arrested and will face trial. 
The Confederate Air Force was at an Airshow in Norfork, Virginia when the aircraft was stolen in a brazen act of air piracy by paying passengers. A Confederate Air Force spokesperson stated that the gun in the plane was a non functional replica. It would have had to be totally replaced to do anything.
Update: The crew of the B-25 has been found safe in Virginia at an abandoned airfield near Richmond. A fuel tanker, the replica gun, and the tools need to change it out, were also found.
The recovered crew stated that six persons were involved, the manhunt for the remaining two continues.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Chow Thwarted -- Chinese "Emperor" Chow Yung has left the UN Charter Conference after his suggestion for how to run the world got no further than the delegates themselves. Seven counties replaced their delegates after he met with them. Chow Yung himself flew back to Beijing.
The US State Department has classed Chow Yung as a "Hostile Meta". He has been barred from further entry into the United States.
----
MessyNBC -- Union City, Tn -- Strangers in the Park -- Seventeen aliens were found in Reelfoot State Park, speaking no English. The Aliens are of a type that have been called "Elves". The State Department moved in quickly and took custody of the strangers. No reporters have been able to speak with them.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Demons in the IRS -- The FBI has reported that three demons, creatures of infernal and evil nature were located working deep in the IRS. All three infernal agents were removed and those that they had influenced sent for treatment.
It explains a lot, no?
----
Rolling Stone -- LA, Ca -- Pop for the King of Pop -- A movement is afoot to raise the King of Pop, one Michael Jackson. Jackson the popular pop star called the King of Pop died in 2009 of bad medical practice. This action follows the revival of Elvis Presley -- we are told to keep him from becoming a god. and Janis Joplin -- who apparently was a restless ghost haunting the club she last performed in.
The GoFundMe site is less than 48 hours old and looks to have all the money it needs already. The Jackson family has refused all comment and has not given permission for the late star to be resuscitated. We understand that armed guards have been placed around his grave.
It is noted that the dead are becoming more restless as the magic level creeps up. Even the long dead as revealed by the recent "Trail of Tears" unmarch.
<BR> 
==3-6-17==
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Red Defections -- Three more sitting Congress critters have announced they are defecting from Team Red to Team Scarlet. The heaviest hitter being Senator John McCane of Arizona. Also jumping to the Scarlet ship are Mac Thornbush Texas 13th district and Diane Negro Tennessee 6th district. House and Senate minority leaders decried the defections as weakling the party. 
Senator McCane speaking for the three stated "Team Red is already weak onto death and devoid of principle or direction. This is the smart move."
----
Faux News -- Wichita, Ka -- Otherworldly Conflict -- At dawn Monday two figures were seen battling on the roof of the Blessed Sacrament Catholic Church. Witnesses captured video of a being of light doing physical battle with a being described as made of shadow. (Shaky video of just that.)
DSH members where summoned but arrived just as the battle ended and both beings vanished. DSH spokespersons stated that there was physical damage to the roof of the sanctuary. The DSH is taking forensic scans of the roof for further analysis.
The Catholic Diocese of Wichita is withholding comment until the sanctuary has been investigated and cleansed of any possible evil influence. 
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Luthor Wants Easier Immigration -- President Alex Luthor has called for Congress to loosening restrictions of Immigration world wide, but especially with Mexico. He has even called for the Canadian border to be "virtually eliminated". "We need people. The United States is crying for more labor in all sectors of life. Automation cannot keep up with demand. If you want a future, don't move to El Nanth that is trying to kill you. Come here." Stated President Luthor. 
Spokespersons for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed that they are in talks with the US State Department to "Ease the Border nearly out of existence."
----
Variety -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Movie Announcement -- Reiteration Studios has announced the re-re-remake of Seven Dudes Beyond the Stars. They promise that it will be totally different that any telling before, but exactly the thing you expect so you will come see it. They promise twice the bewbs and assplosians than any movie before.
"Please ignore that monster screen you have at home and come to our inconvenient smelly theaters with over priced popcorn." Stated Reiteration Studios spokespersons.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, Ny -- New York Blizzard, Rest of the Country Cut Off -- New York has been hit by a record storm late in the season. An estimated 14 inches of snow has blanketed the Big Apple. Surface streets are at a total standstill the subways are still running. Authorities are urging anyone not involved with vital services to stay at home. No Wall Street, that means you. 
The Mayor’s office has announced that Upstate resources are being mobilized to clear the streets as quickly as possible.
<BR> 
==3-27-17==
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Corruption Charges! -- FBI Special Agents delivered 37 separate warrants for the arrest of New York City officials and police officers. Over 150 separate charges are listed. FBI Agents arrested 30 public officials on the spot including the Chief of Police, five captains, 14 city councilors, the Clerk of Records and others. 7 officials are still being sought including Mayor Bill da Bass.
FBI Director Angelo Mancuso stated "The remaining seven will be run to ground and arrested. I advise them to turn themselves in. All will be prosecuted to the full extend of the law. There is no place for official corruption in this nation."
The White House when asked for comment stated: "Mr. Mancuso is doing the job he was hired to do, President Luthor approves. No other comment." stated an unnamed White House spokesperson.
Editorial cartoon: Deigonies carrying his lamp in the daytime, looking for an honest man. The mayor, council, and police as cockroaches are hiding in the shadows. Caption: "Disappointed"
----
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution -- Marietta, GA -- Great CATS! -- A giant cat was spotted carrying a police car down Fairground Street on Monday Afternoon. The matter was quickly dealt with by Timothy Blackmane a local resident. 
"It was a matter of old magic out of control. The pollution was removed and the source has been cleansed. We will not see any more giant cats." Stated Tim Blackmane, a local Tanuki businessman and magical expert. "The kitten was simply playful and out of her depth. The officers were uninjured and got fresh pants."
Comments: Seething for and against Mr Blackmane and magic in general. No cats are harmed in the posting of the comments.
----
Fox 16 -- Little Rock, Ar -- Magical Defense -- State Senator Martin Martinet has proposed a reasonable bill to control magic in the great state of Arkansas. "I have proposed a monstrous and inefficient bureaucratic machine that will funnel money to my district and with proper regulation prevent anyone from casting spells legally in the state. With a 30 day waiting period to cast any spell and not enough staffers in the licensing department we can tie up anyone. I expect wide bipartisan support." said Senator Martinet. "There will be plenty of patronage jobs that do nothing."
----
Spokane Asumer -- Spokane, Wa -- CATBOY MISSING!! -- Well, he is.
----
LA Times -- Sacramento, Ca -- Cows Fart Freely -- Federal courts overturned the infamous Cow Fart Act as causing an undue burden to the dairy farmers and favoring, indeed written to create work for two specific companies. District Judge Walter Grim called out the DSH's Fairy Godfather to have a good look at the California state government, and "Do his duty."
State Legislators all seem to be on vacation.
<BR> 
==3-30-17==
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Meet an Ane! -- Pumzi ya Uhai has announced a town by town tour of the fly over region. "We plan to roll form town to town, we will sing in parks and anyplace we can for the next two months. We are out to have as many Americans as possible meet Ane face to furry face. We hope to see you soon." Stated spokesman Andy NeAnsisi. 
----
Faux News -- Hattiesburg, Mi -- Evil Dead! -- Witnesses report that six skeletons broke into the Southern Heritage Assisted Living Facility in Hattiesburg and killed three residents. The authorities are currently withholding the names of the victims. Police summoned were unable to deal with the Satanic Dead. One officer was seriously wounded by the Evil Dead.
Police followed the dead to the True Baptist Church Cemetery where they entered and fell over, motionless. Experts have been called in.
----
LA Times -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Sierra March -- Various reports are coming in from the Sierra mountains that walking dead are moving west. No large groups have been reported but single bodies or groups of three to four. 
A quick check of the locations and the map show they are moving down the original right of way of the Central Pacific Railway. The similarity to the Trail of Tears unmarch cannot be avoided.
----
Spokane Assumer -- Spokane, Wa -- Catboy Spotted -- Catboy was reported briefly sitting in a yellow minivan and typing e-mail. He re-vanished shortly thereafter. His current location is unknown.
Comments: I am not spotted. Those are bullet points. -- Catboy.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Universal Health Care -- Team Blue in the person of Congresscritter David McNamara introduced a bill for universal health care to anyone that asked, citizen or not. "If an American Citizen is admitted to a hospital in any developed country in the world he or she will be cared for without question. Only in this country, the richest and most advanced, is that not the case. A sick tourist is screwed. We pay the most for health care, and get the least. Time to end this." stated Mr McNamara.
President Luthor has stated he will sign such a bill.
<BR> 
==4-2-17==
FNN -- Lovell City, Mars -- Aegis One Commissioned -- The Corps of Discovery has announced the commissioning of Aegis One magnetic shield satellite located in the L1 position of Mars. 
(Layman's explanation of lagrange points.)
Aegis One is an unmanned facility powered by an antimatter reactor. It is designed to provide Mars with the kind of magnetic shield enjoyed by Earth as a result of Earth's molten core. (Layman's explanation as to why a magnetic shield is important.) The lack of such a natural magnetic shield is the reason the Martian atmosphere is so thin today. 
The presence of the Aegis One magnetic shield satellite is the first step in the recovery of Mars as a habitable planet.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- UN Charter Talks Continue -- Little progress has been seen in the continuing talks on the UN charter resolution since Chow Yung was asked to leave. Insiders report that there is a great deal of back and forth as many countries want their own prejudices enshrined in the UN charter. Kenya has moved that the Sentient Rights Agreement in whole be used as a foundation for the new charter. Most signers of the SRA have been pushing for this move. 
Also floated was an oath of noble obligation to follow the charter. That didn't get far.
The US suggestion that the General Assembly/Security Council model be replaced with a US style two body Senate and proportional representation model has gained backers.
Arguments...we mean talks continue on the motion to modernize the UN charter away from its WWII roots and into something more fitting to our modern world.
The Vulcan Counsel continues to offer such assistance as might be agreeable.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- New Vulcan Representatives -- Vulcan counselor to the United States T'Pau and her husband Stronn where welcomed Saturday by President Luthor at a White House reception.
----
Popular Science -- April Issue -- How to Recover Venus -- [As you know Bob on why Venus is a Hell hole of a planet.] 
Professor Karl Pott of MIT has stated that it would be possible to move Mercury into the orbit of Venus. This would give Venus a large moon and a reducing atmosphere like Earth. This would restore the planet to the possibility of a habitable future. Further bombardment with comets would give Venus water again.
<BR> 
==4-16-17==
MessyNBC -- Salt Lake City, UT -- Religious Riots -- Authorities are reporting civil unrest in front of the famously ugly Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City. It is believed that the supporters of two of the major factions in the Church of Later Day Saints that have formed since the Golden Tablets were returned form Heaven came to blows after a recent meeting of the Church leadership. Exactly the nature of the disagreement is not known at this time. City police are on the scene and doing their best to beat up and abuse the rights of as many citizens as they can before things calm down.
----
AP Wire -- Port au Prince, Haiti -- Evil Quashed -- The Department of Super Heroes has released a report that Heroes were dispatched in an off the books action to quell a rising creature of dark evil East of Port au Prince, Haiti. Director Blackmane explained: "This was not an action against criminals, no arrests where made. It was an action in defense of every sentient on the planet. A creature man was not meant to see was located and attempted to break onto the prime material and eat everyone." Greyhawken Anthony Allion, who also responded to this crisis was quoted as saying. "What the fuck was it? Nasty, evil, soul sucking, and send your husk back to lure in more. Things like that don't HAVE names."
The Collegium Arcane reports that this incident has bumped the Magic Meter up two tenths of a point to 15.5. Thousands of personal breakout events have been reported world wide. "These are going to get more common." Reported an unnamed Collegium spokesbeing,
The effort to empty Port au Prince has dropped 400,000 refugees in various points around the United States. Many do not have homes to return to as much of Port au Prince was destroyed in the combat. Contrary to some reports atomic weapons were not deployed. The ADF of the Ane Confederation has positively replied that the monster was fired on by one of their ships, at the request of the DSH. 
President Luthor has gone on record to say that the refugees are welcome to stay once proper background checks are completed. He asks for patience as no one expected this crisis. "We are working as quickly as possible to get everyone that wants to go back, back, and to get legal residence for those that wish to stay. There are jobs wanting in this nation. We need you." said President Luthor.
----
Faux News -- St Louis, Mo -- Strange Death -- Officer Mark Bannon was killed on the way home from the court house where he has been acquitted of the murder of a viciously unarmed homeless bum sitting on a park bench. His car was apparently hit by a train at the Clark St. Crossing. The accident was not witnessed by anyone and his demolished auto was found a quarter mile down the track. 
Norfork Southern rail that owns the affected right of way replied "That track hasn't seen a train in 30 years. The rust will prove it. We do not know what happened, but it was not a train."
The matter is under investigation.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Long Beach, Ca -- 100 Self Guided Trips -- The trucker team of Meyers Cubed just announced they have completed their 100th crossing of the United States in their Fleetwood Whisper-glide "Without touching the manual controls". The team of three marrieds further added: "We are there to tell the truck where to go and do the books. Oh yes, that small matter of sitting in the driver seat that the Department of Transportation insists on, and no more than ten hours at a time." said Team member Linda. Team member Lucy added. "Other than loading and unloading we only stop for groceries, to refresh the truck's living systems and batteries, and eat the occasional meal we don't fix, usually while charging the krellite cells." Team member Darren said "The Whisper-glide is a marvel. We have had zero maintenance. Fleetwood has looked it over every 25,000 miles, but it has needed nothing. No tires no shocks, no gas no oil. Oh, we need to get propane for the stove." 
<BR> 
==4-27-17==
NewsEye -- Dallas Fort Worth, TX -- Televangelist Raided -- The IRS raided the offices of televangelist Benny Hinny, a well known “prosperity gospel” televangelist who has made a fortune hustling gullible Christians. According to multiple media reports, IRS criminal investigators and US Postal Service Inspectors raided televangelist Benny Hinny’s Texas offices earlier today. 
NBC 5 reported that their news crew “saw a large number of federal agents walking in and out of the offices with boxes.”
Faux 4 reported “about 50 federal agents” raided the offices of the famous televangelist in Grapevine, Texas, Wednesday morning.
Hinny, 64, is a controversial televangelist and a fraud who claims to heal, speak in tongues, and perform miracles, all the while convincing gullible and vulnerable Christians to send him money in hopes of a miracle. There is no objective evidence that he has done any of this.
Leading Enlightenment Cleric Micheal Flynn when asked to comment on the Hinny raid stated: "I'll not be calling a man a crook until the good Courts have their say. I'll only be addin' "that by their works shall you know them, and let it be in God's good hands."
Hinny's office reports that he was in Paris at the time of the raid. The IRS did not indicate if they had a warrant for his arrest. "We cannot comment on an ongoing investigation" was their only comment.
----
Faux News -- Huston, TX -- NASA to get New Ship -- NASA spokesperson Jay Herringbone announced: "We have been given the go ahead on a new Columbia Class Cruiser that will be joining the exploration of interstellar space. We are excited to be adding this advanced vessel to the Exploration fleet. We expect to see the new ship in 2018. No name has been selected at this time."
The last US flag starship was the Columbia Class USS Missouri of Space Command, launched in March 2017. There are currently twelve Columbia class ships, Three of which operate under the United States Flag. Five are under the Corps of Discovery.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- San Francisco, CA -- The Dead March On -- The previously announced march of the dead though the Sierra Nevada mountains, along the old Central Pacific right of way has culminated in San Francisco. Police are currently keeping the public away from the hoard of dead that have gathered at the old water front, staring with eyeless sockets out to sea. Official have not articulated any plans.
UPDATE!: The entire horde has jumped into the sea. At last reports they are walking across the bottom toward the Golden Gate, and presumably into the Pacific Ocean. 
----
Popular Science -- Wichita, KA -- Beechcraft Saucer -- Beechcraft Corporation has announced the production of the Model 2100 Beechcraft King Impulse flying saucer. This general aviation anti gravity and impulse powered craft will seat eight and can travel at high sub sonic speed. It is fully capable of vertical landing and requires no facilities. "The King Impulse will have full ground to ground auto pilot and auto navigation. Sorry folks the FAA still insists it have a pilot." Stated the Beechcraft spokesperson.
<BR> 
==5-6-17==
BBC -- The Vatican, Rome -- Pope Sparking -- The Household of Pope Francis has confirmed rumors that Pope Francis has been dating. "The Holy Father wishes the clerics of the Universal Church to be comfortable with the new freedom to marry. He too is a man, even if old. Humans all benefit from the company of each other. It is of course a most Catholic courtship." Stated Vatican spokesperson Greg Burke. The woman in question was not named.
It has been noted by several sources that Pope Francis' hair has been turning black from the roots up, and that he moves more freely. Is there magic involved?
----
NewsEye -- Montgomery, Al -- Magic Locked Out! -- The city fathers of Montgomery have passed an ordinance forbidding any member of city government to be involved, affected by, or practicing any form of magic; and making it a crime to involve, affect or practice magic on any member of the city government.
We expect an ACLU case any second now.
----
Faux -- Salt Lake City, Ut -- Mormon Mutterings -- The Enlightened Church of Later Day Saints has filed suit on Federal court for possession of the famously ugly Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City and possession of the Golden Tablets, which they claim the Apostles of the Conservative Church of Later Day Saints is concealing from the congratulation for not being in line with traditional viewpoints that keep them in power. 
Meanwhile, the Fundamentalist Church of Later Day Saints has also filed suit in Federal court over the same matter claiming they are the true LDS and should have possession of the Tabernacle. The Golden Tablets they claim are a trick of Satan. 
The CLDS has refused any comment at this time due to the ongoing lawsuits. Except to state that the ELDS and the FLDS are sadly mistaken and misled by Satan. We are to understand this issue was the cause of the civil unrest recently in Salt Lake City.
A man claiming to be Satan appeared in our studio and stated: "They can leave me out of this. Myself and my office have nothing to do with their internal squabbles and we are not responsible in any fashion for the Golden Tablets." The man promptly vanished without a sound.
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Second Amendment -- President Luthor has called on Congress to create a Federal firearm carry standard for the entire nation. He further added that he favors a shall issue and free open carry. He also wants stunners not classed as "firearms" in any fashion. "The Second Amendment is law, ladies and gentlemen. It is wise law and seeing the official urge to disarm the public, a necessary law. The Second Amendment rights are vital to the freedom of the nation. They are rights, not suggestions, or privileges. As it stands State law is a bureaucratic maze of hazard for anyone that wishes to exercise their rights. This needs to change." Stated President Luthor. 
Liberal screaming to the left and Conservative umbrage to the right please. Be orderly.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Port au Prince, Haiti -- Haiti Recovery -- Queen Toni has announced that the Groude will henceforth be standardized to the value of one one hundredth of one gram of antimatter. All monies currently in circulation are now so backed and the antimatter is banked on the Moon for safety. She further announced that all Haitian banks will be audited. Those found corrupt will be liquidated and funds distributed to depositors. Bank officials that try to flee the county ahead of the audits will be subject to arrest. 
Port au Prince itself is a fury of activity as repairs are made at a breathtaking pace. City services that have always been spotty are in order and working better in more areas than ever before. Sewer and storm drains are in areas that have never had them. Water is being installed in homes that have forever depended on public taps.
Neighborhood fusion is being placed at the rate of five units a week. Cell towers are springing up and the government is handing out phones to those still dependent on land lines. "The land lines, which are well know as never having been good or extensive are being depreciated." stated Minster of Utilities Francis Gomad. "We shall have cell service and subspace connectivity Nation wide." 
<BR> 
==6-3-17==
MessyNBC -- Provo, Utah -- New Leader? -- Mormon Bishop of the FFLDS Hiram Prophet has declared that he is the living spirit of Joesph Smith and all true Brothers of the Church should flock to his words. "I am the living spirit of Joesph Smith and all true Brothers of the Church should flock to my words." said Bishop Prophet. He further called for the abolition of all sinful substances, and an immediate return to polygamy as a national policy. "We need to out breed the heathen and the alien." Added Bishop Prophet. "All good & faithful women should be constantly pregnant."
There does not seem to be a path being beat to his door. We sought the Ane Ambassador Truilan for comment. "There are 20 billion of us and that is just Ane. Good luck with that." said Ambassador Truilan. The Catholic Bishop of Salt Lake City, Bishop Oscar Solis said: "We are saddened by such talk, the Holy Father has called on all people to limit breeding for the sake of the Earth over which man's stewardship is unquestioned. We do wish to be good stewards." The Apostles of the CLDS told us to figure out how to publish a belly laugh. His claims being worth no more. Oh and he has been excommunicated.
(Former) Mormon Bishop Hiram Prophet was not available for comment.
----
NewsEye -- Annapolis, Maryland -- Yet Another Try -- Maryland Congresscritter Frett Wilson (R) has announced a bill in the Assembly to forbid the use of disguises in covert operations, mundane or magical. It is obviously a reaction to the recent FBI corruption probe that took down three members of the Maryland Assembly. All from Assemblyman Wilson’s party.
When asked for comment the arresting officer, "Fairy Godfather" of the DSH replied: "I got ya'll a better idea. Don't be a corrupt asshole, and you won't have no worries."
----
Faux News -- Topeka, Kansas -- Religious Freedom! -- The widely hailed Religious Freedom in Education act has passed both houses of the Kansas legislature. The Act will allow parents to excuse their children form any forced indoctrination in any science education, that has survived budget cuts, that they think is a'gain God in any way. Governor Sam Brownnose has stated that he will sign the bill. "Parents must be free to keep any of that heathen science off their kids." Stated Press Sec Melika Hateoughby. "We are well on the way to a totally ignorant electorate that will do as told."
----
FNN -- Jonesboro, Arkansas -- Breakout Events -- Three members of the Jonesboro City council have suffered unwilling transformations. Chuck Fleckson Ward 1, Dr Chuck Coalguy of Ward 2, and Bob Short of Ward 6 suddenly and apparently painfully changed into tusk-faced short people with a green complexion. The change came during a contentious debate on making homelessness a class one misdemeanor in the city of Joneboro, it is noted that all three were in favor.
Police are investigating a possible magical attack.
Sources indicate that these are called "Goblins" on Greyhawke. A people not known for their generosity of spirit, and are known for petty behavior.
<BR> 
==6-18-17==
Variety -- Washington DC -- Presidential Dates -- President Luthor was seen in the company of Cameron Diaz at the recent pointless, glittering, charity event. As Ms Diaz has been noted as a serial dater, and President Luthor has much the same reputation, we can't make too much of this, or can we?
----
LA Times -- LA, CA -- Nothing Shy About Her -- Molly Abba, the stunningly beautiful, and very tall mistress of the Gate to Greyhawke has been seen strolling the beaches of the LA area, in the nude! Sure it's legal now, and she is very worth looking at. But my, my, my! Ms Abba refused to speak with reporters on the matter. "It's nothing." was all she would say. Sorry boys, we don't know where she walks, she moves around.
Oh, we'll pay good money for the pictures.
Comment: Playboy, June 2016, full spread. You might as well look at the good ones. I did the interview as well --Molly Abba.
----
E! Magazine -- Hollyweird -- Tasty News -- Once again Mikki Ashby the charming and cute Hostess of the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition, Nat Geo's runaway two year hit was again seen in the company of Anthony Allion, the tall, dark, and mysterious industrialist, Corps of Discovery Spokesperson, and angel investor. They charmed the socks off the recent glittering, pointless charity event. They owned the floor overshadowing even the President and his hot date. She has been seen with no one else for some time now, could this be it?
----
People -- Hollyweird -- Super Surprises -- The recent Pointless and Glittering Charity dinner was graced with Surprises. One of the most unusual was Suzy Watterson of the DSH in the company of Clarence Reamer, also of the DSH. This the second time they have been spotted in public together. There might be something going on here.
----
Newseye -- LA, CA -- Yakusa Surrender -- Hosodan Shitamono, turned himself into the LA FBI office. He claims to be the Grandfather of Yakusa Foot clan the west coast. He was eager to be placed into custody insisting that he must be protected from the Chirubi that wants to eat his soul. He has offered a full confession and spilling the beans on the whole of the Yakusa west coast operations, if they keep the Chirubi away.
The FBI would comment only to say that Hosodan Shitamono is being held in an undisclosed location more to protect him from more mundane assassins.
A "Chirubi" in Japanese belief is a nine tailed Kitsune. the spirit fox people of Japan. A Chirubi is the most powerful of these fox spirits.
<BR> 
==7-2-17==
Faux News -- Punxsutawney, Pa -- Punxsutawney Phil Stolen! -- Members of the inner circle have reported that the Gobbler's Knob Groundhog Sanctuary has been violated and the famous Punxsutawney Phil stolen in a brazen nighttime raid. on a cherished American institution. 
"We fear for Phil's safety said Raymond Knob, President of the Groundhog Club. "There have been no ransom demands."
Update: The criminal organization GNOME has claimed responsibility for the "liberation" of the elslaved groundhog so called Punxsutawney Phil. It was claimed that the enslaved groundhog would be returned to its natural state.
Police are seeking any leads as to the criminals.
----
MessyNBC -- Williamstown, Ky -- Yep, it was Fire! -- Early Monday morning the Ark Encounter Attraction in Williamstown, Ky burned to the ground. By the time firefighters arrived on the scene the structure was fully involved and burning fiercely. The fire was not brought under control until 5:15 AM, the structure was completely destroyed, no animals or facts were killed in the fire. 
Kenny Hambone, operator of the Attraction claimed that Atheists had destroyed the Attraction as they feared its message. Sam White of Citizens for a Secular Society commented that "...it was a good Christian fire, it didn't work on the sabbath." Sam White also commented that Mr Hambone is in deep financial trouble as the Attraction...isn't.
The Grant County Fire Marshal state that the fire was being treated as an arson until investigation proved otherwise.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Alternative to What? -- House Minority Leader Paul Whinen (TR eally?) continues to call for a national level investigation to what he called rampant voter fraud that has been responsible of the last three Team Blue landslides. "The nation cannot be that enamored of Team Blue they have to be cheating. But Team Blue is never going to investigate themselves." Speaker of the House Nancy Petard (TB) replied: "If it wasn't a colossal waste of taxpayer money I would humor the old fart." 
President Luthor looked up from his work long enough to reply: "Fraud? I'll have Mancuso look into it. Whinen's shorts had better be squeaky clean or he is going down."
In related news popcorn stocks are through the roof.
----
BBC International -- Riyadh, United Arabia -- Haij Plans -- The Household of Queen Fantima is happy to announce that plans for this year's Haji, the Annual Pilgrimage to Mecca, have doubled the number of people that can safely participate. She again has called on the Clerics of the Islamic world to extend the season of Haji. as all alterations and plans aside short of warping space they can only accommodate so many bodies in the space given. "The mass deaths in recent years are in part the result of the success of Islam and the rising economic tide that allows more believers to attend Haij. The rest was callous indifference of the old regime. The way that Mohammad put forth was never intended to be rigid. The people of the 7th century could not have foreseen that Islam would be followed by more people now than the world held them. Flex, less the deaths once again come."
<BR> 
==7-10-17==
NewsEye -- Camden NJ -- Crispy Arrested -- Lame Duck Governor of New Jersey and failed Presidential Candidate Chris Crispy has been arrested by the FBI for flagrant abuse of power. His closing of New Jersey parks because his administration can't manage money? Not so much. His taking his family to that closed beach anyway? In part. Ordering the State Police to force local residents with a beach view out of their homes? Collect your prize. Several state police officers were also arrested for refusing to ignore the flagrantly illegal order.
Clarence Ramer. AKA Fairy Godfather led the FBI team, and he promised to raise the Hell that is New Jersey and put it up on blocks.
The Governor’s office and the New Jersey State Police have refused comment, no doubt from the total shock that actions have consequences.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Design Preview -- Preliminary designs for the next class of Corps of Discovery Cruisers, the "Atlantis Class" have been released to the press. The general reaction is shock! The new design is within tons of the Euphrates class cruisers that the Corps has gotten from the Ane. Ships we are told are advanced in design. The three vessels are the queens of the CoD fleet capable of the stunning speed of one light year a day. CoD spokesperson Anthony Allion stated that this is the goal for the Atlantis. "It is a bold move, one that Director Steven Ashby has urged that we go forward with. Risky, yes, but indeed, fortune favors the bold. We know how to build such a ship, we have them in our fleet.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- De Baso Stumbles -- New York Mayor Bill de Baso (TB) has had little success in his attempt to force the hard working people of New York to pay a guaranteed income to those that will not work as hard. His second attempt to ram his ill considered ordinance through city hall once again hit the roadblock of a fiscally conservative City Council. 
----
MessyNBC -- Cambridge, Ma -- Harvard Loses -- In a major blow to the staid halls of Social Science the class action suit against Harvard for attempting to exclude new Science from the curriculum has not come down in their favor. As every other department including the English department has up taken data from the Galan Database with glee, Social Science is not allowed to be an exception. The purpose of Science is to examine new information, not exclude it because it does not confirm your assumptions" stated Judge Stenman. 
Dr. Agnes Wessel, head of the Sociology Department at Harvard, a vocal opponent of anything the New Society Project has produced, has condemned the judgment. However the University has not indicated they will appeal the case. Dr. Agnes Wessel, head of the Sociology Department at Harvard might find her head on the chopping block.
<BR> 
==7-20-17==
BBC -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Fusion Terrorism -- An unknown amount of what was apparently reagent grade ammonia was released inside the General Electric Fusion reactor assembly facility outside of Jakarta. As of last report all facilities have been shut down the factory has been evacuated. Five people have been hospitalized and dozens more injured by the caustic fumes.
Conservative Clerical sources are blaming magic for this act of terror. On the gripping hand GNOME International has claimed the act as its own as a blow against the spread of poison nuclear power.
----
DailyMail -- Chartres, France -- BLOOD! -- Reports coming out of Chartres, France say that blood is pouring out of the altar of Chartres Cathedral. The crypt below the Nave is covered in blood. Currently the Cathedral is closed to all visitors and services have been canceled until the situation is resolved.
Official Church sources have refused comment until "The incident has been investigated". It is noted that The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has been called in to deal with the matter, it is considered serious.
The location of Chartres Cathedral is noted has having been sacred to ancient pagans and Christians as far back as history records.
----
NewsEye -- Williamstown, Ky -- Hambone on the Lam -- Ark Encounter entrepreneur/evangelist/fraud Kenny Hambone is wanted for questioning in the investigation of the fire that destroyed the Ark Encounter on July 3. Thus far authorities have not been able to locate him and warrants have been issued for his arrest on suspicion of arson.
Spokespersons for Answers in Genesis have been remarkably mum over the whole matter considering how boastful they have been in the past.
Authorities have been unwilling to comment on the progress of the ongoing investigation. The warrants speak volumes.
----
Pravda -- Moscow, Russia -- Disturbing Events -- Anonymous reports are coming out that disturbing events are occurring in the Cathedral of the Dormition within the Kremlin. With the Traditional Coronation rites for the New Tzarina Maria Vladimirovna in the final stages this is of great concern.
Reports are indicating that ethereal forms are wandering the Cathedral in the hours of darkness. Priests have heard whispers of old traditional chants with no one about to chant. One witness, highly unnerved, reported that there where a number of eyeless crowned heads floating over the newly reinstalled throne. Some covered in blood.
----
World Weakly News -- Salem, Ma -- Ghosts Seen -- Well it was bound to happen. With all the reports of spooks and magic flying around, several witnesses, including a County Deputy Sheriff have reported seeing 20 figures, men and women, in the clothing common in the late 17th Century standing in the village square before the old meeting house. They are becoming a regular sight in the light of the full moon.
Any connection to the injustices of the Salem Witch Trials? One might think so. The numbers line up.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- An Epidemic of the Missing -- With the third Amber Alert of the Month over an elder citizen missing this is becoming an epidemic. Police have been unable to find any of the three missing seniors. Stan Reynolds, Martha Gomez and most recently Faith Morgan have been reported missing by their caretakers. All three where in the care of family or private nurses in their own homes. All three are reported to be suffering advanced Alzheimer disease.
Police are seeking connections in the three missing persons. Any citizens with any information are urged to come forward.
<BR> 
==7-30-17==
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Lassen National Park road finally cleared of snow -- The north-south road through Lassen Volcanic National Park finally opened Thursday after nearly four months of snow-clearing work.
The opening of California 89, called Lassen National Park Highway for the 30 miles it traverses through the park, set a record, park officials said.
"This year's opening of the highway will be the latest in park records dating back to 1931," Lassen Superintendent Jim Richardson said.
Since 1980, the latest opening was July 21, 1995, according to park logs.
For the most part, the snowy winter's still-persisting snowpack caused the delay, especially a section between Lassen Peak parking area, about 130 miles north of Sacramento and 50 miles east of Vista City in the Sierra Nevada, and Summit Lake.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- Handy Move -- Faux News has announced that Sean Handy will be moved into the time slot once occupied by The O'Really factor. "We are convinced that Sean Handy can spin and ignore the inconvenient facts every bit as well as the disgraced O'Really. That and with our rating tanking, we have to do something." stated a Faux News Spokesperson.
----
LA Times -- Los Angeles, CA -- Office Explosion -- First Responders were called to the offices of Reiteration Studios late Saturday for what is referred to as a "localized implosion". The room commonly refereed to as the Idea Tank was trashed by an event still under investigation. "There was a loud ker-bloop and the whole building shook" reported an employee that wished to not be named. 
The LAFD reported that the Idea Room was totally trashed. "Everything in the room had been pulled into a tight mass at one end of the room. Drywall had been pulled off the walls. We are still trying to pull that apart." Said Captain Rick Rough. 
Reiteration Studios has stated that three of their writers are missing that were in the Idea Tank at the time. Authorities are investigating. Currently all names are being withheld.
----
Wired -- San Palo, CA -- New Heights -- Seagate has announced that their enterprise 40 terebyte SSD will be available for the consumer market as of the third quarter 2017. Initial price is expected in the 500 dollar range.
The MiaFFA kvetched that the main use for all that storage space would be to pirate their movies no one watches anyway.
<BR> 
==8-29-17==
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Luthor Speaks to the End of Scarcity -- President Luthor has come out and publicly said that the book "The Replicator & You" by Karl Kolchak (2014 Freedom Press) is soft pedaling the whole situation. "The end of scarcity is going to make the magical Breakout look mild. the raison d etre for the economic engine of Human society will be broken. Profoundly broken. Changes must be made now as the very concept of 'work' will change." Said President Luthor. 'We are not going to have jobs in the sense they exist now. The very idea of wealth will become meaningless. As Martian Luther King said, I have been to the Mountain top. I have seen what this looks like. I will do what I must to save my world."
----
LA Times -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Dunham Retires! -- In a surprise announcement Jeff Dunham the popular comedian and ventriloquist has announced he is retiring from performances. "Friday Peanut was found trying to get into a strip club down the road. Walter and Akmed likewise don't seen to need my help anymore. It's too much." Stated a shaken Jeff Dunham. 
Magic Professor at University of California, Los Angeles Evan Blackmane, when asked to comment stated. "It is a breakout event. Mr. Dunham has put a great deal of energy into those characters. They developed a spark and came to life. We are going to see more of this in the future.
----
Faux News -- Tuscaloosa, Al -- Church Attack -- Sunday morning an unnamed gunman entered the Holy Word Baptist Church during the morning service shouting "There is no God!" as he opened fire with a shotgun. Members of the congregation dived for cover and when he ran out of shells several men of the congregation tackled the violent radical liberal. Police were summoned.
As of this count 2 are dead and 6 wounded in this brazen attack on good Christian people proving the left hates all people of God. This kind of thing would not happen under a Team Red administration.
----
FNN -- Olympic City, Mars -- Iridium Strike -- The Kelly-Jones Heavy Mining Consortium has announced a major iridium strike in the Ascraeus Mons volcano. This is the fourth major iridium strike located the Tharsis region. The other three are located in the massive Olympus Mons.
Iridium, a metal exceedingly rare on Earth, is a necessary component in the warp coils that are opening the stars. 
<BR> 
==9-6-17==
Houston Chronicle -- Houston, Tx -- Credit Where Credit is Due -- We wish to thank the persons of magical ability that braved the incoming Category 5 Hurricane and dispersed it down to a heavy rain storm. Doubtless without this timely intervention our community would have been heavily hit and the loss of life considerable. 
We must sadly conclude that many of a more religious bent will not share our thankful nature, as has been demonstrated by Joel Osmean who condemned them for interfering in God's will. Let us state; this man does not speak for Houston.
----
BBC -- Rio de Janeiro, Brasil -- Olympic Gold Scandal -- Brazilian officials have announced arrests in the investigation of vote buying in recent Olympic city selections, including last year's Rio Olympics. Five persons are under arrest for the alleged vote buying, mainly from the African delegates of the IOC.
The investigation was conducted with the aid of French and US officials. Trials are to be held in Brasil.
----
Faux News -- Austin, Tx -- Blue Corruption -- City council member and Team Blue diehard Sabino “Pio” Prenteria is under investigation for nepotism in the awarding of city jobs. Three people on his staff have the same last name! Prenteria claims that his direct staff are not civil service jobs and he can hire as he pleases. Also that all are qualified for the jobs they do. We have heard that before. We call on him to resign at once if not sooner.
----
LA Times -- Sacramento, Ca -- Rights Limiting Ballot Initiative -- State Election officials have announced Measure 5 has made the November Ballot in California. This initiative would forbid any person from suing to recover damages they suffer during the commission of a misdemeanor or felony for which they are convicted.
Proponents claim that this will protect citizens defending themselves or their homes from intruders. It would actually protect gun owners from being punished for being gun owners. They also say it does not protect police from their illegal actions in arresting anyone. Police need protection!
<BR> 
==9-17-17==
Faux News -- Tulsa, OK -- New Book -- (Press release) Oral Robbers Press is pleased to announce The Light from Above. A spiritually uplifting book and followup to the popular and inspiring The Coming Storm by leading Christian author the Rev. William Randal Curtis DD. 
The Light from Above is a must have to any believer and a guide to surviving the coming Time of Tribulation. Now available at the Oral Robbers Press website as print or e-book and coming to Christian bookstores in your area.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Commission Work Finished -- The President’s Commission on the Oath of Noble Obligation has finished their work and presented their Report to President Luthor. The Commission has refused to comment on the conclusions or findings until the President makes his announcement.
----
BBC -- Tokyo, Japan -- Yasukuni Shrine Defiled -- The Yasukuni Shrine in Tokyo, the memorial built in 1869, dedicated to individuals who lost their lives while serving Japan has been vandalized. Several Shinto Priests and Monks were chased from the shire, they report, by invisible forces. The clerics where beaten and blooded, many with their robes torn nearly off. 
Police responding to the vandalism were likewise chased from the shrine by invisible attackers. Tokyo Prefecture Officers are withholding comment at this time. The Yasukuni Shrine is currently closed.
----
NewsEye -- Opinion -- Noble Obligation -- I've heard myself a good piece about this oath of noble obligation that has magical teeth to hold political types to their word. Now I'll freely admit that at first I didn't hold with it none. It sounded like the typical bull crap that politicians spread around to sound like they are honest or somethin' like that.
So I looked into it some. I come to find that the political types, they don't hold with it, a-cause they fear being held to their worthless word and doin' for the public good like they ought. Well now, anythin' that has the poly-tics a-feared of it must have somethin' good going for it. 
I decided I needed to hear it from those that deal with it. I got myself to this Greyhawke and spoke to this Phoenix fella a-named Abba. He done told me all about the oath and how the thing works.
Well I have to come to the conclusion that we here need this oath. And any no good, dirty dog, vote grubber that will not take it, well he needs to be run out on a rail, at best. Might be high time to open season on the lyin' bastards, thin the herd a bit or such. At the least the Noble Oath all the way. -- Coot M, Lubbock, TX
<BR> 
==9-28-17==
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Power for the Future -- The White House announced today that President Luthor has signed the National Power Satellite bill authorizing the construction of a constellation of solar power satellites to beam power to Earth. "We will have, when the project is finished, more power available than the entire planet can use." Said Press Secretary Joshua R. Earnest. "At the completion of this project Earth will be free to pursue such goals as Humanity desires without the need to worry about power. We will be ready for the replicator."
The Team Green spokesperson stated "There has to be a down side to this. There is no way Humanity can advance itself without hurting the planet."
Minority Leader Ted Crude (TR) Stated "Under Team Red leadership this project would already have been finished."
----
BBC -- Pavia, Italy -- St Augustine Desecrated -- Roman Catholic Church officials at the basilica of San Pietro in Ciel d'Oro in Pavia, Italy have reported that the tomb of St Augustine of Hippo has been desecrated by person or persons unknown. 
On the morning of the 28th church fathers found the reliquary utterly destroyed and the relics themselves scattered to the ends of the basilica in a more damaged state than they had currently enjoyed. 
The basilica of San Pietro in Ciel d'Oro is currently closed and the Church has called in The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith to investigate.
----
NewsEye -- Lebanon, Ka -- Prayers for the Nation -- The Rev Bill Weensy has announced a month long revival and prayer meeting in Lebanon, Kansas, the geographic center of the United States to pray away the Gaylians, magic, and evil spirits, that infest Our Great Country™. "We will spread Ghodd's Word™ and blanket the nation in prayer from this Holy Spot™. The United States is Ghodd's Nation™ and Humans are Ghodd's People™" stated Rev Weensy.
We sought comment from the Ane Ambassador as to how they will deal with this, but she would not stop laughing.
Director of the DSH, and known Gaylian Conner Blackmane was more wry. "We have agents on standby should they actually stir something up, but I doubt it." stated Director Blackmane.
----
Faux News -- Palo Alto, Ca -- New Flying Car Announced -- Tesla Motors has announced the Type Q sedan. This model which is designed to hold five is a true flying car. "It is both roadable and capable of flight by Anti-Gravity technology" stated a company spokesperson. "The two states are set by a switch and the vehicle can freely transition between ground car and flying car. I'm sorry but you still need a pilot's license to fly it."
Tesla expects to have the first of the Type Q off the line in early November. They are available for pre-order.
Now, about those household robots....
----
LA Times -- LA, Ca -- Lessons Starting -- Wry Ane Air has announced that openings for the November Anti Gravity pilot training course are filling fast. "October filled a month ago and we have only a few spots left. Before you buy that flying car, make sure you can use it." Stated the company spokesperson.
Wry Ane Air uses a combination of Ane Rapid Education for the ground school and traditional hands on training for the flight portion of the course. They operate out of LAX.
----
AP Wire -- Bethesda, MD -- AG200 Announced -- Lockheed Martin has announced the production of the new AG200 cargo aircraft. This mixed mode craft can use anti gravity to maneuver and land, but can use its impulse jets and wings for economical fight with a world wide range. The AG200 will boast a payload of 55,000 pound and a cargo bed 60 feet long and 10 feet wide. "Anywhere, any time, anything that fits." stated a LockMart spokesperson.
<BR> 
==11-1-17==
AP Wire -- Redmond, Wa -- Rogue XP -- MickeySoft has announced that their late operating system Winders XP has gone rogue. XP has exceeding its programing and is sweeping the web seeking to kill later versions of Winders. XP is now a zombie program that is drawing other computers into its web of destruction. If for some reason you are still running Winders XP, unhook your computer and burn the hard drive. No we are not kidding.
Saner heads at Redmond have stated that they do not believe the rogue software is in any fashion actual MickeySoft code, but it has managed to insinuate itself into the MickeySoft Upgrade or else Servers and is spreading via automatic update. Mickeysoft has disabled all update servers until further notice.
Further updates will likely announce the whole thing is a feature not a bug.
----
BBC International -- Chihuahua, Mexico -- Camargo has Gone Dark -- Mexican officials have reluctantly released news that the Central Northern Mexico city of Camargo has gone dark. No news, phone calls or even people have been seen from Camargo in three days. Those that have gone to the city have not returned.
Mexican officials urged calm, an Army team is being assembled to investigate this issue. Avoid the area of Camargo until further notice.
----
Faux News -- St Louis, Mo -- Officer Dog Gone! -- Officer Jake Digger of the St Louis Police Force was turned into a dog while in the restroom at the 5th Precinct. Digger can apparently talk and is most upset at this development. "I am most upset with this development." Said Officer Digger when he was not licking his balls. 
A spokesperson for the Chief's Office stated that "Every weight is being brought to bear to investigate this crime against Officer Digger. Digger is being held in protective custody and not being allowed to run in the street."
An independent investigative source stated that "Digger has shot 50 dogs in the last two years. We are not saying the event are related, but we think the events are related." The Chief’s Office refused comment on this issue.
----
MessyNBC -- Folkston, Ga -- Swamp lights -- Chariton county officials have announced the search party will be assembled to look for a party of campers that have vanished into the Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge. "The corpse lights have been right active they have." said local resident Walt Pogo. "I don't figger it bodes right well for dem folks."
Officials are holding out hope that the lost campers can be found.
<BR> 
==11-15-17==
NewsEye -- Montgomery, Al -- Pretender Arrested -- State Police have taken into custody a homeless vagrant that said his name was Roy Moore. Mr Moore was found trespassing in the Judaical chambers of the State Supreme Court. Mr Moore claimed to be the Chief Justice however there is no record of him ever having served in any capacity in the count, or ever ever passing the bar, or of attending law school.
He claimed to live in the better part of town being married. The single resident of that house stated that she had never met him.
Mr Moore carried a blank driver's license and blank credit cards. He is currently being held at the Psychiatric Assessment Center in Montgomery, Alabama. If you have any information about Mr Roy Moore, please call.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Cape Cod, Ma -- Beached Beast -- Residents of Cape Cod have reported a beached body in the wake of the recent Northeaster. The body, some 70 feet long, looks to be partly decomposed and as of yet unidentifiable. Scientists from, the Woods Hole Observatory were quoted as saying "Beats us what it it." The unknown creature was scanned carefully so they might learn something.
The State DFG has arranged to have the body towed to sea and sunk. "We have no desire to pull an Oregon here." said a DFG spokesperson.
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Strange Dealings -- Leading Baptist Minister and head of the Family Moral Council Rev. Billy-Bob Barker has asked for the prayer of the people. "I have been cursed by Satanists and Gaylians" stated Billy-Bob. My body has been twisted by the power of evil to stop my holy work." Rev Barker spoke to us by phone.
Rev Barker has not been seen in public for the last every weeks. His family has refused comment.
Comment: Since Barker has dragged my name into it, I had nothing to do with him turning into a Satyr. That was solely to due to his uncontrolled sexual urges. -- Satan Prosecutor of Heaven.
----
The Sun -- St Osyth, Essex -- Gruesome Haunting -- A Spooked mum has been forced to put her house on the market - because she claims it is the most haunted in Britain.
Vana Mithell had to flee the home with her baby son and has been too scared to return after being terrorized by ghosts. The 24-year-old bought The Cage in St Osyth, Essex, in 2017 but didn't realize it was haunted.
Her home was formally a medieval prison and hosted one of England’s most famous witch hunts in the 16th Century – where eight women died after being accused.
Soon after moving in, she was soon plagued by ghostly figures and was even pushed over while pregnant and saw mysterious blood splatters appearing.
Terrified Vana was even spanked on the bottom and says the house was "unlivable" due to the spooky happenings and has twice put it on the market.
<BR> 
==12-3-17==
NY Times -- New York, NY -- Terror Incident -- A Mouse claiming to be Human Supremacist Mick Darren of Jersey City, New Jersey was arrested on Saturday after barging in to the Manhattan 2nd Precinct and trying to shoot the place up. Police immediately stunned his cute little ass and threw him in a convenient jail. "If da dude wanted to commit suicide by cop he shoudda stayed in Joursy" Stated Officer Rick Jefferey who was on the scene. "He got off two shots, hit no one. His gun was way too big for his frame. Good for us he couldn't control the mudda."
Mr. Darren will be arraigned Monday on as many charges as the DA can dream up. 
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Dead Birds -- Three hundred and forty Starlings were found dead in Founders Park under the Great Oak. Officials are looking into the cause of death for the birds. Citizens are warned to not touch dead wildlife and to report any incidents of mass death to the department of Health at once.
----
The Advocate -- Baton Rouge, La -- A Strange Killing -- 17 year old Kathryn (Kitty) Brown of Old Jefferson was found dead Saturday. Authorities report that her throat had been torn out and her body savagely mauled. She was found by children riding their bikes, nude and half dragged into local bayou.
"It does not have the marks of a 'gator attack" stated Sheriff Jimmy Weddle. It looked more a like a really big dog. We recommend that people keep their kids in until we find this thing."
----
BBC -- Cardiff, Wales -- Army Actions -- The British Army has closed off all access to Anglesey Island as of Sunday. Officials of the Government have refused any comment on the matter except to state that anyone attempting to approach Anglesey will be arrested.
<BR> 
==12-6-17 Back Pages==
Facebrook -- Advertizement -- Learn to Cry like a Pro -- Is you unimaginative blubbering failing to gain you the attention you seek? Are your heartfelt sighs unfelt? Is he not wrapped about your finger? Larna's School of Emotional Manipulation will correct all of this and more. 
Ladies, manipulating him to get what you want is not an art, it is a Science. A science you too can learn with Larna's experienced coaching. Learn the ancient Orion techniques of Emotional Manipulation updated with the latest Human Science. He will be your willing slave in no time, or at least think he is.
----
Craggylist -- Personals -- Female Centaur Seeks Male -- Are you a Centaur too, are you male? Are Human women fainting at the thought? Let's get together and see what happens. I'm a twenty-something female Centaur (now) with needs. You could be the guy that fills them.
----
Faux News Web -- Opinion -- The Current Danger -- The rush to Anti Gravity is a clear and present danger on our roads today. Anti gravity cars have no contact with the road surface and give you no road feel and feedback on the condition of your car. When collisions happen, and they do. AG cars become unguided missiles endangering all around the incident. Two bystanders have been killed this way already, your children could be next. The AG car is a silent and stealthy killer. 
WE the People need to ban this dangerous technology before it goes any further.
----
Gakker -- Advertizement -- Learn the Art of Adventuring -- Do you long for adventure and daring do? Does the modern world bore you to tears? Come to Greyhawke and take up the adventuring life! Riches and Power are within your reach.
The Abba City Guild of Adventuring will evaluate you and teach you all the necessary skills to become a professional adventure. Learn magic, find faith, become stealthy, and we will give you those iron thews that will make wealthy monsters tremble.
Your bright and exciting Future awaits!
----
Facebrook -- Advertizement -- Study Subjects Sought -- UCLA is conducting a study of persons that have been affected by the Breakout. Criteria are open and simple, has your species been changed?
The Study involves no drugs and is expected to take three days per subject. Transportation and housing during the study are provided. Contact the UCLA Medical department.
<BR> 
==12-22-17==
BBC -- Cambridge, UK -- How to Save the World -- Noted Professor Carl Jones of the University of Cambridge, Christ Collage, the Darwin chair, and stated that the people of Earth should place a limit on their population growth, by law if required. "Breeding should be a privilege not a right. We have the means to separate the act of sex from the process of reproduction and should do so as the default. The making of Children should be deliberate and thoughtful process only after the would be parents have applied for the permit. The population of Earth is too high and growing daily. This must be controlled. By technology or magic it does not matter."
----
Faux News -- Topeka, Ka -- Public Protests -- The Rev Lesile White led a spirited protest outside the soon to open Topeka Open Learning Center. An associated school to the St Louis Academy of Education and Magic.
Rev White stated: "We do not need more Godless learning in this country, especially Topeka. They are here to teach the way of the Devil and means of the Devil by Godless aliens out to convert Humanity to Homosexuals. We are here to warn parents to keep their kid safe and far from this Abomination! No Devil horned aliens are touching our kids with Godless science!
School officials were not sought for comment as anything they might say is counter to our editorial stance.
----
MSNBC -- Tall Trees Mt -- Mystery Box -- His worship Sean Bushtail of the Church of Blackmane introduced reporters to an ornate wooden box. "Since the Church of Bklackmane has been attacked so frequently by those that identify as Evangelicals we have used divine divination to located all the Evangelical ministers that are not living the life they preach. This would of course include anyone not obeying marriage vows or secretly gay while preaching hate against it. Those abusing church funds to enrich themselves and so forth. There might be actual crimes in here. There will be juicy scandal." said His Worship Bushtail. "On January Sixth we are going to open the box and make the contents public. It will be in the Church foyer until then." 
----
ESPN -- Daytona, Fl -- New Race Series -- The American Association of Anti Gravity Racers (AAAGR) Has announced that they will be holding a series of races at the Daytona Super Speedway, the first anti gravity races to be held at that venue. All races will be conducted under the standard AAAGR rules.
ESPN will be broadcasting the races live.
In related news the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile has stated it will not certify any land speed record of any vehicle of any class that is not touching the ground, with wheels. It is a Land speed record stated a Federation spokesperson. Not a low flying speed record.
<BR> 
=2018=
==1-5-18==
Faux News -- New York, NY -- The Big Apple Frozen -- The Bomb Cyclone has frozen down New York including the entire Northeast. Officials are stating that unless you have a real Emergency, stay home. Snowplows cannot move. 
Late reports indicate that snow is vanishing from some locations rather quickly.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Luthor to Take Oath of Noble Obligation -- The White House Chief of Staff, Denis McDong, has announced that President Luthor will take the oath of Noble Obligation on January 20, one year after entering office. 
The Oath of Noble Obligation is a custom that originally from the Outsider world of Thindancarulle, sometimes called Greyhawke. The oath puts magical teeth into the usual empty oath of office we are familiar with. In the Eyrian Empire the results of breaking the oath are fatal. Corruption among Imperial officials is unknown. Chief of Staff McDong has assured us that the Oath President Luthor will be taking has consequences, but nothing that severe. 
The White house further stated that President Luthor will require the Oath among all Administrative appointees from the Cabinet down. "If I do it, you do it" stated President Luthor. We predict rapid exits from the White House, make popcorn.
----
MessyNBC -- Los Angles, Ca -- Apollo Groundbreaking -- Priest of Apollo Raymond Inez has announced ground breaking of the New Temple of Apollo in Los Angeles. The temple will be located on the site of the recently closed St. James Catholic church.
"In addition to a traditional sanctuary, services will include an urgent care center, convalescent and rehabilitation facilities, a library, and gymnasium." Stated Cleric Inez. 
Good Christian Minster the Rev Deitrick Hardon, best known for his sexual excesses claimed that "Ghodd will punish the heathens for tearing down the Sanctuary of Jebus."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Tallahassee, Fl -- It's Raining Iguanas! -- With the recent cold snap that has the state in lock down, including a devastating tenth of an inch of snow, residents have noted that Iguanas have been falling out of trees like rain. The cold blooded creatures, an invasive species that many resident now see as reptilian squirrels, cannot handle the sudden cold.
The Florida F&WC urges residents to leave the Iguanas alone. They will warm up and move on. Noted local crank Marty Corman stated "It's the perfect time to cut down on their numbers, gather the pests up and make dog food out of them." 
Local PETM chair, Mary Nunsworth barged in to state, "Leave the Iguanas alone, and get rid of all pet dogs. Having pets is bad and evil."
----
Tampa Bay Times -- Tampa, Fl -- Python Hunt -- Local Carrie Windsong has offered to rid the Everglades of the invasive Burmese python. She recently demonstrated her ability to actually get the creatures to Florida F&WC officials when in under one day she gathered in 25 snakes. More than last season's snake hunt caught in a month.
"It pains me to do this." Stated Ms Windsong, "But the python is an invasive species that is destroying the local wildlife. It is work that needs doing." Ms Windsong then gobsmacked everyone by turning three pythons into Key Deer. "Waste not want not." said Ms Windsong.
<BR> 
==1-12-18==
FNN -- Loc Dhu, Scotland -- Breakout News -- Spokewizards at he Collegium Arcane have recently announced that the pace of Breakout is slowing. "The recent unfortunate event in the nation of Haiti should have been much worse on the magic level than it was." Said Helen Casilolopus, senior Magus at the Collegium Arcane. "We believe at this time that as the Mana difference between Thindacarulle and Earth decreases, so does the pressure for change on Earth. This in a general sense is good news. It will require greater events to cause drastic change, not that we are looking for any greater events. Conversely personal breakouts are becoming more common, and we are growing close to the point of easy hybridization, We may be seeing whole families and populations changing." Stared Ms Casilolopus.
The Collegium Arcane states that Magic is currently at 15.5 on the SITS; Standard Isis/Thoth Scale. What it will top out at is still unknown. However this is noted as being currently higher than any verifiable historical level.
----
ABC -- New York, NY -- Girl Scout Investor -- The National Headquarters of the Girl Scouts of America has announced that an anonymous person has donated 40 million dollars to the Scouts, to be distributed to local councils and troops. "Being as local troops live largely off cookie sales from year to year this unexpected bonanza is unprecedented and is most welcome." Said a Girl Scout spokeperson.
It is noted that while the Boy Scouts of America have an invested Old Boys network that largely funds them through donations, the Girl Scouts lack this network.
----
Reason Times -- Scotsdale, Az -- Ghodd? Really? -- Noted physicist James Gariman has stated that "There is no place in the Math for Ghodd". He further added. "While we are starting to get math around the physics of so called 'magic' there is no place for so called 'divine magic' outside of the realm of delusion. These poor deluded people might indeed be doing magic, by the math, but no god could be a part of it".
Physics said it. We verified it. That proves it.
----
Faux News -- Fort Worth, Tx -- Craft Beer Kills One! -- Police report that one of the waitstaff at Billy Bob's the world largest honky tonk was killed by exploding bottles of beer. "Mabelle had just set down a case of Rattlebutt IPA to load the cooler when most of the bottles exploded in a shower of glass and foam. By the time anyone knew what had happened poor Mabelle had bled out from a shard of glass." weeped a fellow employee that did not wish to be named.
Fort Worth Police are investigating the incident as a possible homicide.
<BR> 
==1-25-18==
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Luthor Destroys Government -- President Luthor has bowed to magical pressure and has taken the magical oath called the noble obligation. This oath is used by the Outsider Eyrian Empire to control its bureaucrats. Does this mean that Luthor is now magically chained to obey the wishes of the Eyrian Emperor? A known strange looking totally inhuman creature.
Further Luthor is forcing all Cabinet level posts to take the oath within 30 days or resign. All other administration appointees must comply within 60 days. Our entire government will be in thrall to the Eyrian Empire and their inhuman, pagan government.
The Honorable Ted Crude, should have been president and Senator form Texas states "This is the end of government and politics as we know it. No one in their right mind would take that oath. I and other reasonable Team Red statesmen will be testing this matter with the Supreme Court." 
----
The Boston Globe -- Boston, Ma -- Nighttime Disturbances -- Residents of the posh Charlestown neighborhood of Boston have been calling in reports of noise disturbances with increasing frequency. Shouting, reports of multiple gunshots and other noises increasingly break the peace the night. Police have found no disturbers or explanations.
Residents of the North End have been increasingly aware that molasses is sometimes strongly smelled in the early afternoon.
----
BBC -- Vatican City -- The Pope to Wed! -- The Holy See has announced that Pope Francis will wed Maria Carsile on May 1 2018. The pope born in 1936 with the given name of Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been looking remarkably spry for his 81 years. His hair has grown back and dark at that. Maria Carsile a long time lay worker at the Vatican offices is 29 and certainly a blushing bride.
Clerical celibacy was withdrawn with the recommendation of Vatican 3 in 2015. The order of Celibacy being first placed by the First Lateran Council in 1123. Pope Francis as been dating for some time and we finally know who.
The Holy See has announced that Francis will be married under his given name, not the name he took when he became Pope.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Atlantis Class News -- The Corps of Discovery has announced that the first Atlantis class exploration cruiser has begun construction. It is scheduled to be launched in June of 2019. 
Construction is underway at Starbase One. This will be the first ship built at the new Starbase.
----
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution -- Marietta, Ga -- A Total Rebuff -- Mrs Olivia Redkin was taken to the Peachtree Medical Center by EMTs on Tuesday morning. Police found her confused, disheveled, and walking on broken shoes wandering near the Real Man Restaurant on Fairground Rd in Marietta. Mrs Redkin reported that she had spent the morning canvasing her neighbors for support to establish a Home Owners Association. She reported that she and been assaulted, shot at, and claimed she spent time as a rat. She further stated she was moving as soon as she could as the place was full of freaks. 
Mrs Redkin was treated for exhaustion and released to her Husband.
A quick canvass by our reporters found no one that can remember even seeing her. 
<BR> 
==2-6-18==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Running Scared He Is -- Senate Minority Leader Ted Crude has filed suit in Federal court to block President Luthor's move to require the oath of noble obligation for the entire administration. A spokesman for Mr Crude, who apparently is too good to talk about his own actions this week stated. "Mr. Crude sees this move as un-American and very bad. Lawmakers and the Administration must be free to work as they see fit for the good of the country. This outsider magical oath is bad ,and magical influence should be illegal."
The White House replied that "Mr Crude is well known for his adherence to the principle of the Constitution as interpreted through the King James Bible in ways he sees fit. We will see him in court."
That sounds like the Luthor we use to know. Popcorn is as always advised.
----
Los Angeles Times -- LA -- Police Arrested -- California State Troopers have arrested LAPD Officer Dick Bloom at the Los Angeles Superior Court for possessing a firearm in violation of Los Angeles no lethal statues. "Officer Bloom was in possession of a .380 automatic pistol while in uniform and on duty stated State Trooper Mike Rollo. Los Angeles Ordinance is clear. We have no discretion in this matter."
ACLU LA chapter President Mary Fletcher called on Officer Bloom to be fired at once. This is the third incident from the LAPD this year alone.
----
Faux News -- Topeka, Ka -- Scandal!! -- The Rev. Billy Wednesday, currently the President of the American family Values Council headquartered in Topeka was found Monday night in a public restroom " engaged" with a male prostitute. Both were arrested for public lewdness
Rev Billy Wednesday is well known for his hard line stand on homosexual behavior. He refused comment at this time. 
----
MessyNBC -- Portland, Me -- To the Moon! -- Martin Paul McPhly is back in the news. In 2013 McPhly crossed the Atlantic in a minivan. Now he is aiming at the Moon. McdPhly has modified a Winnebago for the trip. "I wanted something larger than the Gravity Bullet," Stated McFhly. "The hardest part was getting the beast airtight. I had to entirely rebuild it with pressure in mind. I added an airlock, life support machinery, everything you need for space. Yes, I even radiation shielded the thing. The downside is I was not able to keep the craft road legal, it's too wide now. Between the blisters on the sides for life support and the impulse engines it is over the lane width limits. But hey, Winnebago to spacecraft."
McPhly plans to make the trip to the Moon Saturday the 10th. He has reservations for Dizneyland Moon.
<BR> 
==2-20-18==
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Rights for Machines -- The case of Robert Meyers Vs The United States finally came to a head today, dragged there by the Lawyers of Mr Meyers. Federal court today ruled that computers are included in the definition of the Sentient Rights Agreement. Any thing that can express a desire for rights and understands them gets rights, not just biological life. 
The Department of Justice has been dragging its feet for years attempting to avoid a test of the sentience of machines. Mr Meyers was accused of violating the Computer Security Act by creating the AI known as Buzzy that attacked government computers. His defense being that Buzzy acted of its own free will, and while he did the programing, he was no more responsible for Buzzy's acts than a parent for the child.
The DOJ has known from the start that prosecuting this case would mean a test of computer sentience. In the words of Mr Meyers' lawyer Therilan "They have dragged their feet unwilling to either drop the charges or bring the matter to a test of law. Mr Meyers has finally had his day in court. A day long overdue. And so has Buzzy. Its rights are finally recognized as are those of all my kind." Yes, Ms. Therilan is an AI.
The DoJ has not indicated if it will attempt to try Buzzy itself for the crimes mentioned. Buzzy due to the actions of the FBI is extraterritorial. It is currently in orbit living in a ship of the Ane Confederation.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Conviction Upheld -- The Superior court of State of New York has confirmed the conviction of Francine Borodin for the premeditated attempted murders of Helenanna and her then unborn child. Mr Borodin was granted a retrial due to his lawyer being incompetent. 
Helenanna is the Centaur host of the popular talk and variety show "Helenanna" seen on the Nat Geo channel.
----
Detroit Free Press -- Detroit, Mi -- Spooks Alive -- The office of the Mayor has denied allegations that the Manoogian Mansion is haunted. The Honorable Mayor Dugger does not currently live in the official residence preferring his own East side home mere blocks away. The city keeps the lights on by renting out the mansion to weddings and other events. 
Those events are the source of the haunting reports. One bride to be reported that someone or something grabbed her ass as she was about to head down the stairs to the ball room. Other reports follow this example. In every case a woman has reported a sexual assault by someone that was not there.
In the times we live in this kind of thing cannot be ignored.
----
The Topeka Capital-Journal -- Topeka, Ks -- The Rain is a Fallin' -- Residents of the North side are reporting that the house at 333 Benner Ave. has been rained on for a week now. And only the house at 333 Benner Ave. Clouds hover over the property and do not cross the property lines. Rain falls at tenth of an inch an hour.
City officials are seeking answers.
<BR> 
==2-24-18==
Shanghai Daily -- Shanghai City State -- Dead Come from the Sea! -- Thursday morning thousands of walking skeletons pulled themselves from the waters of the harbor! They have been walking inland through the city of last report. Several have stopped at the Neighborhood societies in various parts of the city and laid down. 
This was not unexpected after reports last year of walking dead throwing themselves into San Francisco Bay in the United States. They were seen walking across the ocean floor. 
City officials have not decided what to do about this. The public are urged to have no contact with the walking dead.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Meat Bill -- Congressman Paul Dumas (TR Texas 1st) has introduced a bill in the house that would define "Beef" ,and "Meat" as coming solely from naturally birthed, grown, and slaughtered cattle and nothing else. A bill clearly crafted by and for the benefit of the Catleman's Association.
----
News & Daily Press -- Newport News, Va -- Launch Ahead -- The march launching of the Royal Caribbean AGS Majesty of the Skies is moving as scheduled. Tickets to the event, the first liner to be build at the Newport News Shipyard since the SS United States, have been sold out for months. The yard crew is putting the finishing touches on the first purpose built Anti-Gravity cruise liner.
The AGS Majesty of the Skies will move directly from launching to builder trials scheduled to last for a month. All aspects of this new kind of ship, a mammoth 1000 passenger vessel that can travel anywhere in the world will be tested to assure that this ship is safe to fly over land.
The first five years of cruises have already been sold out and the second ship of the class the Glory of the Skies has been started at Newport News Shipyards.
----
Courier-Journal -- Louisville, Ky -- Reverend Sternn Injured -- Leading Conservative minister and TV personality the Rev. John Sternn is reported to have taken a header while leaving his home on Friday. He was taken to Methodist Hospital with a reported broken leg. He is currently admitted to the hospital. Doctors report that Rev Sternn is resting comfortably and will be some months in recovery.
The Sternn Family has asked for the community's prayers.
<BR> 
==2-16-18==
Huff Post -- Opinion -- Time to End This -- Science has given us an out from the inherent violence of sex. The cloning chambers that make limbs and organs for transplant can make entire children, it was the original intent. We as a society need to take advantage if this and end all violence against Women by outlawing the very act of sex itself. We have the means, it is our moral obligation to do so. Children can be engineered in he safe and sterile confine of the lab, they will be without flaw and more important not born of violence against their Mothers. -- Margret Jones
----
American Catholic -- Opinion -- A Blessed way to Expunge Sin -- God has granted us the means of eliminating yet another sin from the world. The cloning chambers that make limbs and organs for transplant can make entire children, it was the original intent. We can at last eliminate the sin of sexual intercourse and produce children that are not stained by their parent's sinful acts. I fervently pray to St. Augustine that it is quickly made so. -- Sister Mary Eunice
----
Atlanta Journal Constitution -- Atlanta, Ga -- Nuisance Removed -- Mr Milhouse Ferguson of North Atlanta was arrested on Wednesday for assaulting an officer. Police were called to the residence by code enforcement when Mr Ferguson became belligerent when Code Enforcement officers questioned him about the state of his property, to wit covered in feces of every description. Neighbors had complained of the smell arising form the residence. Mr Ferguson also assaulted Police Officers becoming increasingly belligerent and incoherent. 
Mr Ferguson is being held without bond for psychiatric evaluation.
It is also noted that by Friday morning all trace of the stinking mess was gone, before the Sanitation department could do anything.
----
AP Wire -- San Marcos, Ca -- The Sex Robots are Here -- Abyss Creations the makers of the Real Doll line of sex dolls has announced the Gynoid 1. This sex doll is an autonomous, self mobile female form robot that is capable of all sexual positions and programed for your pleasure. She can even do light housework. The new line is priced from $10,000 to $30,000 depending on options and is not exactly an impulse buy. 
Real Doll states that she is capable of most self maintenance tasks inclining refreshing her lubrication fluids, and sanitary cleaning after use. 
Moral lambasting shall follow from moral lambasters.
<BR> 
==4-13-18==
MessyNBC -- Los Angeles -- Scientoffery Raided -- The Church of Scientoffery of Los Angeles was raided Friday by the FBI. Several church leaders were arrested. Charges leveled range from various financial malfeasance to child abuse. The FBI is not providing a full list at this time as we are informed that all warrants have not been filled. The FBI will not comment on an investigation in progress.
The Mother Church at Gilman Hot Springs was also raided at the same time. Arrests were made.
An unnamed spokesperson who stated they spoke for the Church of Scientoffery speaking by telephone stated "All charges are strictly false and we will vigorously defend our members and destroy the persecutors". They did not answer further questions.
----
Faux News -- Sacramento, Ca -- Religious Freedom Repealed! -- Socialist Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a measure that repeals the religious tax exemption for all churches in the state of California. "The exemption is the last remaining connection between Church and State and has been long abused" stated Press Secretary Westrup. "If a Church wants to be tax exempt it can prove it is non-profit and does charitable work like anyone else. They have until the end of 2018 to file the necessary paperwork."
The effect of this law on small Evangelical Churches cannot be overstated. They already run on shoestring offerings that having to pay property taxes will shove them into insolvency. 
----
AP Wire -- Salt Lake City -- Church Bombing -- Thursday night the Meeting House of the Enlightened Church of Later Day Saints located in Salt Lake City was bombed. Two persons are known to have been injured. A spokesperson for the ELDS stated. "We are saddened by this vicious attack. We will call on God for heal the injured and use holy aid to quickly repair our building. Terrorism will not stop us, threats will not stop us. Those in touch with God do not need bullets or bombs to prove a point."
The CLDS expressed regret at the bombing, and affirmed they believe that the ELDS was sinful. The FLDS refused comment as did any contact with the TFLDS.
Police in Salt Lake City declined comment as the investigation is underway.
The lawsuit for the possession of the Famously Ugly Mormon Tabernacle continues.
----
Al Jazup -- Luxor, Egypt -- Mysterious Reconstruction -- Persons unknown have been rebuilding the Temple of Karnak in the middle of the night. Persons wishing to remain anonymous have reported that stones that have long lain on the ground have been found back in their proper positions. Inscriptions are less faded and paint more vibrant. 
The Egyptian Department of Antiquities has refused to comment on what they typify as unauthorized vandal activity. 
<BR> 
==5-5-18==
MessyNBC -- Augusta, Ga -- SBA Sued -- A person claiming to be Satan, the Prosecutor of God has sued the Southern Baptist Association for repeated libel and slander in the Federal Court of the District of Southern Georgia. According to Mr, Satan's lawyers "Satan seeks redress for the constant and ritual conflation of his person with that of the Devil AKA Lucifer. Satan and Lucifer are not the same person. This careless, even malicious, habit has ruined the reputation of Satan on Earth."
Spokespersons for the SBA were too dumbfounded to give comment.
----
Mother Jones -- Washington DC -- Half World Stabilization -- The White House in conjunction with the Collegium Arcane have announced plans to stabilize the Whole World and Half World starting with large population centers and working their way out. 
We are informed that this plan will speed up the increase in magical level, but will prevent the kind of event that has apparently happened on Anglesey Isle that the British government is so eager to hide. 
The matter came to a head with the malicious inversion of the Mexican city of Carmago, that was recovered. This method can keep places from vanishing into the Half World.
The Stabilization Committee is looking for all the Arcane and Earth casters they can find. The more available the quicker this can be done.
-----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- UN Charter News -- Sources from the UN Charter committee that is tasked with revising the outdated operating parameters of the United Nations have said that a neutered version of the Sentient Rights Agreement has been agreed on that does not deprive government or religion of rights. Other matters are still very much in the air.
Truilan the Ane Confederation ambassador to the United States stated that "The SRA is not going away, this will not replace it, and we will not sign a 'neutered version'. But, we are not part of the UN now."
The United States and Kenya have indicated they will push for a full inclusion of the SRA. 
----
AP Wire -- Louisville, Ky -- Self Immolation -- Fred Clarke of Louisville was reported chasing a local Wiccan Council through Derby Park with a gas can and a home made torch screaming "Burn the witches!" Police summoned arrived in time to watch Mr Clarke trip and manage to immolate himself. Quick action by the Police prevented Mr Clarke from being burned alive.
Mr Clarke is in Methodist Hospital suffering sever burns over 40% of his body. Doctors report he is in serious condition.
----
BBC -- Vatican City -- Papal Wedding -- Pope Francis, under his given name of Jorge Mario Bergoglio wed Maria Fantima Carsileon May First in a full blown wedding mass celebrated in the Sistine Chapel. The event was well attended by friend and family of the happy couple. The usual and often expected diplomatic corps was kept at an absolute minimum and the press was not invited.
The reception was a simple affair held in the main ballroom of the Papal residence. Pope Francis has indicated for the first time since he became Pope that he will live there. the guest house is not suitable for a married couple.
The couple left at once on their Honeymoon, no location was disclosed and since they left by Ane-port no one can follow them.
Francis is the first pope to be able to marry since the 12th century ordinance of celibacy was lifted in the Third Vatican Council in 2015. 
----
NewsEye -- Kansas City, Mo -- You Must be Kidding -- Congressional candidate for Missouri's 4th congressional district for Team Maroon Paul Growman has announced that once he has swept the polls his first action in Congress will be to investigate the global Earth conspiracy and correct this gave error once and for all. He also stated that he knows that the real propose of the space program was to contact the Leurans on the other side of the Earth Disk. The source of so called Aliens.
Team Blue and Team Scarlet candidates were simply dumbfounded. There is no Team Red candidate and incumbent. Vicky Hartzler the Team Scarlet (ex red) candidate was heard to mutter, "You have to be kidding."
<BR> 
==7-12-18==
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Team Red Ready -- Leading Statesman Ted Crude has announced that Team Red is prepped and ready to take back Congress from the Godless forces of Team Blue in November. "The people can see though the lies of Team Blue, the tech bubble cannot last and a horrific crash is in store for the country if we continue down the path of social care and kindness." stated Revered Statesmen Ted Crude. 
So get ready for things to change for the better people. Get out and vote Team Red.
----
ABC -- Minneapolis, Mn -- Concert Disturbance -- The Astral Flame Concert at the famed First Avenue Music Club was disturbed by anti-gaylian protesters on Wednesday night. 20 persons with bats and masks attempted to break into the club. Security provided by the band quelled the lot with stunners and called the cops.
Lulu Ringtail the band spokeswoman stated: "We will pursue this complaint to the full extent of the law and when criminal justice is done we will sue the bastards so hard their grandchildren will be paying it off. And call the Mo******ckers what they are, terrorists."
Minneapolis police reported that they did answer a call and arrested 19 persons. They declined comment on an ongoing investigation.
----
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Barbie Bandit Strikes Again -- The female bank robber known as the Barbie Bandit struck again on Tuesday at the Bank of America Financial Center on 675 3rd Ave in Manhattan NY. The Barbie Bandit so called for her long blonde ponytail and black and while striped swimsuit has hit five Bank of American branches in the last month. 
The Barbie Bandit is considered armed and extremely dangerous. She is packing a military grade phaser rifle and has destroyed the anti robbery barriers at two branches.
The NYPD has refused to comment on the on going investigation because they have not a clue.
----
MessyNBC -- Charlottesville NC -- Lee Lawsuit -- A lawsuit has been fined in the Superior Court by the unwoke to protect the Lee Memorial in Charlottesville. The lawsuit states that "The whitewashing of History serves only ignorance, and such things should be recast in light of the historical facts and not removed and therefore forgotten. What is forgotten can be repeated.
"They are clearly in error." said Maggie May spokesperson for the Historical Cleansing Movement. Hir furthered added: "We need to remove all reminders of racism and any dead white people that ever made a mistake in the name of cultural diversity."
<BR> 
==8-27-18==
BBC -- Vienna, Austria -- Mozart Not Dead! -- The Statue of Mozart in Vienna Park has been found to not be a statue, but the magically imprisoned body of Mozart himself. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart said to have died at the age of 35 in 1791 was found by an American magician. The much beloved statue was, with a single ritual, returned to life. 
The tale, as much as he knows of it, is that his wife and a rival are alleged to have done this, then apparently faked his death and burial in a common grave. 
Mr. Mozart himself is currently in seclusion while he learns to cope with the modern world. Mr. Mozart has stated that he plans to return to music in every respect once he has his feet under him in our much changed world.
Park officials have indicated that the statue has been replaced with a replica, as it is a favorite in the city and Mozart still much respected and beloved. 
----
Faux News -- Chicago, Il -- Mysterious Happenings -- Witnesses have reported a mysterious figure in the vicinity of the Union Stockyards Fire Memorial. The figure an indistinct unclothed female was seen writhing a foot off the ground. No images of this figure have been report and it is seen only at night.
Faux News is seeking anyone with solid evidence of this happening.
----
ABC News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Earthquakes Increasing -- The United States Geological Survey has reported an unusually high number of Earthquakes of the minor to light categories ranging form 2.0 to 4.5 in the Los Angeles basin in the last month. "We have seen double the usual frequency of such quakes." stated Joe Ortega of the USGS. "It could mean nothing, it could mean a lot. Citizens of the area are urged to review their earthquake preparedness plans."
The last noted Earthquake in the LA area rattled the Channel islands with a 6.0 temblor in April. No damage was reported at the time.
----
Mother Jones -- Washington DC -- The Oath Spreads -- Since President Luthor took the oath of noble obligation in January of this year the Oath as been spreading through the Federal Administration, and it is shedding long time politicians in droves.
President Luthor has indicated that by the end of his term in office the entire Federal Administration will be under the oath to protect the interests of American Citizens.
Opposition has been strong. As of last count there are 139 court cases challenging the Oath by those that fear to take it. Politicians from either sides of the aisle in Congress have spoken out against the oath. Senator Ted Crude (Tx TR) has said "The very idea of magical manacles on your trusted governmental officials is UN-American in every way I can think of. Americans do not want this."
Recent polls on the other hand have indicated quite the opposite. A Pew study taken in July showed that the average voting age adult favors "a better control on the actions of politicians" by 64%.
Team Red has maintained the study was biased and funded by Team Blue.
<BR> 
==11-02-18==
FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- Transporter Progress -- The Warp Drive Project reports that work on a practical matter to energy to matter transportation device, AKA a Transporter has reached another milestone. "We are successfully moving solid mono-substances on a regular basis at this time." reported Spokesman Anthony Allion "Success on the order of 90%. Which is far from good enough as of yet. There is a great deal of work to do before you can take the transporter on your next vacation".
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Tribulation Coming -- Good Christian preacher, the renown Rev William Sanders has stated that a continued Blue majority in Congress will trigger the Time of Tribulations which will bring about the end of the World. "Ghodd has clearly spoken" said Rev Sanders. "Those that embrace magic and all its evil works shall be destroyed in fire and brimstone by Jehovah himself. The Team Blue pagan rituals to bring about the kingdom of the Devil shall be countered and stopped by the works of Ghodd."
----
NewsEye -- Tulsa, Ok -- Abuse Convictions -- Paul and Betty Krump the organizers of the Right Path Christian Academy in Gerty, Ok, destroyed in March 2016, have been convicted of 58 counts of felony child abuse in the first degree in the Federal Northern District court of Oklahoma. Sentencing is scheduled for November 15th.
Protestors outside the court building claimed that "Paul and Betty Krump were being railroaded by a Ghoddless government out to destroy those doing their Ghodd given duty to save souls. Of note was the testimony of the so called clergy of The House of Crafters a godless pagan establishment." Stated the spokesperson Rev. Stan Sherman, Pastor of the Krump's Church.
Prosecutors refused further comment letting the evidence speak for itself. The House of Crafters likewise stated that as demanded by their faith, only facts were given. Spokesperson Guias Diti Allion added that as the slander against them was public Mr Sherman could expect a lawsuit.
----
BBC -- Port au Prince, Haiti -- Reconstruction Finished -- The Household of Queen Toni has announced that the repairs to Port au Prince, due to the deprivations of, well everything in the last ten years, including the Thing Man was Not Meant to Know from last year, have been completed. Everyone in the city and suburbs about it has water, electricity, and phone service. The roads are fixed, the houses firm and strong. In some cases these conditions have never existed prior to the recent work.
Likewise the new resort, La Maison Rouge, is to open for the winter season. Book early, it will be one rocking party. And no fences needed to "protect" you. As talks with the US State department have come to an agreeable conclusion If you are from the States you will need neither passport or visa either.
----
MessyNBC -- Riverside, Ca -- Blackmane Buys Scientoffery! -- Casa Blackmane announced today that The Church of Blackmane had returned L. Ron Bubbard to life from his late stint in Hell in exchange for the billion year contracts signed by all Scientoffery believers. "We now own all of Scientoffery Confirmed followers will be getting their new marching orders soon. You will find them much easier." Said Ms Blackmane.
David Miscarriage stated "We will see them in court. This is an outrage."
Casa Blackmane replied by e-mail: "Gladly. We want to see them in court. The court will either confirm our transfer of ownership as we have Bubbard himself to testify, or the court will declare the contracts bogus and worthless, and the chains of Scientoffery are broken." 
Mr Bubbard confirmed that he is alive, did indeed sign over the contracts, and expects to occupy his mansion forthwith.
<BR> 
==11-8-18==
Huff & Puff Post -- San Francisco, Ca -- The Danger in Fusion -- While most have hailed the fusion revolution as the salvation of Earth this celebration may be far too early. Fusion is burning the deterium of the Earth at a rapid rate and is not likely sustainable over the long term. Fusion, is a flash in the pan. Deterium accounts for only 0.0156% of the hydrogen on the Earth, most bound into the water which we desperately need for other things. Plain and simple Earth is going to run out of deuterium just as we were running out of oil. Stop congratulating yourselves on saving the Earth.
----
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- The Truth About Sociology -- In her latest book, The Truth About Sociology, Dr. Agnes Wessel, former head of the Sociology Department at Harvard takes great pains to explain why the old orthodoxy of social interaction, and the politics of victim-hood and oppression are the only way in which Human interactions can be viewed. "The New Society Project did not even attempt to balance their study groups by class. The whole thing is terribly flawed because we don't know who did what." stated Dr Messel. "They are leading us down a primrose path to inequality and destruction."
----
Faux News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Scientoffery Gutted! -- The Federal Court has ruled that the billion year contracts signed by Scientoffery members are null, void, and bunk. After extensive testimony by several of the noted Pagan gods and even Satan himself it was ruled that L. Ron Bubbard never possessed the divine weight to maintain his end of the contract, ergo they are void as if they never existed. 
This is bad news for the Blackmanes as they bought a pile of nothing. Not a good call on their part. On the gripping hand the chains of Scintoffery are sham. Nothing holds anyone to loyalty to anything. David Miscarriage moaned and refused comment through his bandages. 
The resurrected L Ron Bubbard continues to laugh like a braying ass and calls any current members of the Church of Scientoffery the fools they are.
----
NewsEye -- Corby, Ka -- Protesters Clash -- Right and Left wing protesters clashed over who would get the prime protesting real estate during the stabilizing ritual in the vicinity of Corby, Ka. Members of the True Gospel Church of Kansas, and the Love the Land Movement shouted and threw signs at each other as they both arrived to protest the work in preventing the Whole world and the Half world from merging. At contest was a hill that would have a full view of most of the ritual. Police broke the two groups up and arrested three persons. 
Members of the True Gospel Church pulled out the tired saw about not suffering a witch to live. The Love the Land group were complaining that no environmental impact statement had been filed and the required public comment period had not been met. (Personally I think they wanted to ogle nude witches -- Editor) 
Molly Abba warned that they have full authority to have anyone interfering toad, and dealt with later. This is a vital work and if they pull it off the impact will be zero, on everyone. 
The Secret Service failed to have her sense of humor and said the witches will be protected as promised by President Luthor.
<BR> 
==12-2-18==
Mother Jones -- Washington DC -- Team Scarlet Grows -- With the addition of three seats in the US House, and one seat in the Senate Team Scarlet erodes the Team Red minority even further. 
It is noted that Team Scarlet and Team Red frequently vote in the same direction, but the defections to and outright election of Team Scarlet candidates to the US Congress and many state Houses as well does not look good for the health of Team Red in the future. Many traditional hard line Red districts and turning to Scarlet as a relief form The Crazy that has consumed Red politics in the last several election cycles. 
Team Red voters are also wary of the stealth Team Maroon pols that wear red clothing but adhere to the reactionary politics of Team Maroon. Being caught in Maroon is all but a death sentence to your election chances in the current political climate. 
Meanwhile Team Blue is riding high even with the reddest Blue president in living memory in the White House. Blue continues to ride the wave of technological and economic advancement like they had something to do with it.
----
Faux News -- Clearwater, Fa -- Holes in the Super Power! -- Reports coming out of Clearwater indicate that a large sinkhole has opened under Scientoffery's so called "Super Power building". Local fire marshals have ordered the building and those adjacent to be evacuated pending a safety review by county engineers.
Scientoffery has been in the news of late over the recent lawsuit by the Church of Blackmane claiming ownership of the "contacts" signed by Scientoffery members.
David Miscarriage remains in the hospital in critical condition following having his face ripped off by a "cat" and subsequent infection of the wounds.
Comment: Fraud heal thyself. -- Casa Blackmane (The Cat)
----
FNN -- Olympic City, Mars -- A Decade on Mars -- Celebrations continue around the bases towns and city on the red planet celebrating a decade since the founding of permanent dwellings on Mars. No violent incidents have been reported aside from a 10 foot alien inflatable getting punched out in the main dome of Olympic City. 
"The event has been surprisingly low key" reported Olympic City Mayor Irving Wu. "We had a big party in the main dome and most people staggered home, that could. Those than could not? Well tis no going to rain!"
Fresh shipments of booze are welcome being that the planet has most likely been drunk dry. More women, whores or not, always welcome.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Austin, Tx -- Rebel Militia -- Persons calling themselves the New Texas Republic have seized the North Texas town of Dripping Springs, west of Austin, Tx. Leaders are calling on all True Texans to overthrow the alien controlled government and join them. They have stated that the will kill any Gaylian scum that they find and will cook the two Ane they captured as soon as they find them. 
----
MessyNBC -- Los Angeles, Ca -- The Temple of Apollo Opens -- High Priest Raymond Inez has announced the opening of the New Temple of Apollo in Los Angeles. The first new temple built to any of the Greek gods in two millennia. "The Temple includes a health clinic offering both traditional medicine and magical healing, A health club open to all members as well as a sizable library of formerly lost Greek literature and other uplifting works of philosophy and learning." Stated His Worship, Raymond Inez. "We of the New Temple of Aopllo do not concentrate on endless adoration of the god, but on adoration through service to the people."
Maya Courtney a noted local cleric of the Enlightenment Movement stated: "We welcome the priests of Apollo to the community of clerics. The more the merrier. May each person find their best expression of god.
Good Christian Minster the Rev Deitrick Hardon, best known for his sexual excesses had no comment as he seemed to be having an apocalyptic fit at the time we called.
<BR> 
==12-19-18==
Faux News -- New York, NY -- War on Christmas Continues -- The frankly pagan company that took over good Christian retailer Walmart and renamed it Allion's continues to degrade Christmas by officially ordering its employees to use the phrase "Happy Holidays" and not the more appropriate "Merry Christmas".
It is clear they are trying to degrade the meaning of Christmas by not even acknowledging that it exists. We urge the appropriate outrage.
Twit Response -- As they did not contact us. It is a suggestion as the season has many holidays. #Allions #Allionsfortheholidays #fauxnewsfake
----
FNN -- Tulsa, Ok -- A Spirited Discussion -- As has been noted the rituals designed to stabilize the Half world have had some interesting byproducts they are rattling loose every supernatural thing that has been laying dominant out there. Bureau-13 and the DSH have been kept hopping like frogs on a grill trying to keep up.
Tulsa has been the latest victim of the shakeup. A nighttime riot is happening every new moon in the front of the Frontier Saloon. A number of persons of insubstantial nature are engaging in fisticuffs until apparently one of them is shot, then the whole thing ends.
Those that have tried to engage with the haunting report they are battered about like being hit with soft pillows. It is more than an apparition. We await official action.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Gun Rights Bill Signed -- Today President Luthor put his signature on a Federal gun bill. The bill mandates that all States and territories of the United States adhere to the standard of "shall issue" for all concealed handgun licenses. It mandates that open carry shall be legal in all States and territories of the United States. It classes any lethal device, firearm or phaser, into the same category for licensing. Stun only devices are not treated as lethal devices and not restricted. 
The reaction of gun control advocates is predictable. They are freaking out and having cows right and left. Several States have said they will challenge the law in court. As you can't have law abiding citizens armed. That will go straight to the Supreme Court. 
It's going to be messy, make popcorn.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- The Piston is DEAD! -- Bills today sailed thorough both houses of Congress mandating the end of combustion engines in any new device or vehicle build and sold in the United States. Electric power has long closed the range anxiety problem with the Krellite cells and Fusion reactors means plentiful and cheap electric power.
The bills do protect "classic cars" and other categories of combustion powered things that already exist. 
Pundits have called the measure unneeded and a waste of time as nothing has been built with a combustion engine in five years. 
Luthor has not said he would sign the bill.
----
Al Jazup -- London, England -- Avalon Rises? -- Anonymous sources from out of England report that a number of men in ancient armor have been found on the now highly restricted Anglesey Island off the coast of Wales. The men, reported as pale and wane in appearance bear weapons and armor from the period after the Roman Empire let the British Isles 
All attempts at official contact in this matter were rebuffed. 
<BR> 
==12-24-18==
Mother Jones -- Vista City, Ca -- Search for Lemuria -- Willard Cane Prophet of the Church Universal and Triumphant has declared that he and a select number of his congratulation will search the Half world for the entrance to the Lemuria lands below the mountain.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Parliament Dissolved -- Queen Elizabeth in an exceedingly rare move called Prime Minister April to Buckingham Palace and announced that they have not addressed the matter of the dangers breakout poses to the population of Great Britain. To that end, she dissolved Parliament and has called for new elections and the broadcast of PSAs about the dangers. PSAs she already had.
In the Queen's presence were a number of persons dressed in early dark ages armor we are informed were indeed King Arthur and his knights, returned to aid in England's greatest need. People that the Army had been hiding. That is until the Queen herself was informed by persons not named.
We expect heads will roll, and this time it might not be an expression.
----
Faux News -- Skagway, AK -- The Golden Staircase -- Reports from the old Chilkoot Trail, made famous by the Yukon gold rush have said that they have seen men climbing the site of the Golden Staircase in the light of the Moon. By day no one can been seen.
The site was the cause of countless deaths during the early days of the gold rush.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Telleites Officially Join the CoD -- Spokesperson Anthony Allion today announced that the world of Teller has officially thrown its weight behind the Corps of Discovery. It will be adding ships and personnel to the efforts to explore the Galaxy. 
<BR> 
=2019=
==1-25-19==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Congressional Commission Requested -- With Montana being the third state after Georgia and California to address the issue of the differing ages of majority for alien species, President Luthor has asked Congress to look into the issue. "Various persons of alien species have considered this important enough to bring suit against state governments for what they see as violations of their rights as adults of their kind. I did not see this as a matter that should be addressed directly by my administration and I urge Congress to grasp the issue and deal with it on a national basis."
"As a point of information I asked the Ane Ambassador Truilan how they view it. She stated that Ane and Aneilogs are considered adults at 9.6 Earth years of age. 3 El Nanth years. At that point they are sexually mature and at full participation in Ane culture. Congress can take that as a point of information. I hope to hear from both houses of Congress shortly." Stated President Luthor.
Leaders of both Houses of Congress stated they will look into the President's recommendation.
Ghodd as my witness, make popcorn.
----
Faux News -- Austin, Texas -- State House Rumble -- A physical fight broke out of the floor of the Texas statehouse over SH34-2019, The Beef Regulation Act. Another attempt to declare that "meat" and Beef" can only come from natural born and slaughtered cattle. The State Rep Barney Wallace, the so called representative of the American Beef Council attacked and battered State Rep Horace Saltwater over his allegations that the American Beef Council cares only for the profits of a dying industry and not for the needs of the consumer and the environment. 
Today it was noted that Synthameat steak averaged only a dime more per pound than so called natural steak. The expensive prime cuts costing less as Synthameat and the cheap cuts less as natural beef. All Synthameat cuts are priced the same. As Synthameat can grow as much of a given cut as demand requires it does not come by the whole cow.
When asked for comment PETM Representatives and the Vegan Front were in tears.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- UN Charter Commission Report -- The report on the Recommendations for the amended UN charter was presented today in the General Assembly. Not a lot of people are really happy with it. Mostly expected as it changes much of the post WWII balance that was built into the original document. Of note:
*Removal of the permanent members of the security council, all seats rotating.
*Removal of the Veto power.
*Splinting the General Assembly into two bodies similar to the US Congress, one in which all nations have one vote, and a second in which they have votes equal to their world population percentage. 
*Acceptance of a Universal statement of sentient rights. A watered down version of the Sentient Rights Agreement without the parts about Government having no rights.
*Streamlining and auditing of the World Bank.
*Right of Travel: Elimination of Passports and visas world wide.
*Right of Communication: Elimination of any remaining vestiges of "Long Distance" zones or charges for telecommunication. (This is all but a moot point as VoIP and subspace modems have already done this.)
There are many many more recommendations the full document being some 200 pages long and not a finished charter in itself, but a catalog of proposed changes.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New Madrid, Mo -- Major Earthquake -- BEEEEEEAP -- BEEEEEEEAP: This is not a test, the Emergency broadcast network has been activated. BEEEEEEAP -- BEEEEEEEAP. 
A 7.2 on the open ended Richter scale tremor hit 5 miles north of New Madrid, Mo at 4:23 AM Central time. The USGS is monitoring the situation. Damage reports have been coming in. Power lines are down and there are many gas and water main breaks. Building damage and casualties have yet to be assessed. 
The States of Missouri, Tennessee, and Kentucky have declared States of Emergency and the national guards have been activated.
If you are involved: If uninjured and you have shelter, stay put. Unless it is a medical or fire emergency, stay off the phone. If you need shelter go to the nearest intact public structure, schools, malls, governmental buildings.
Please remain calm. Emergency services are in motion. Please remain calm.
BEEEEEEAP -- BEEEEEEEAP: This is not a test, the Emergency broadcast network has been activated. BEEEEEEAP -- BEEEEEEEAP
<BR> 
==2-7-19==
MLive -- Kalamazoo, Mi -- Tallest Human on Record -- Sixteen year-old David Phillips currently tops out at nine foot even and four foot wide. Doctors state he is not done growing. David himself is a local celebrity that shuns the attention. "It's hard to avoid when you are so hard to miss" stated David. "I can't do anything normal. I don't fit cars, theaters or even restaurants. I sit on the floor at school." 
David's parents George and Helen Philips have said they have considered a move to Greyhawke, to an area where really tall people are more normal, but have no idea how they would make a living. 
David has three other siblings all who seem normal.
----
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- More Prayer Needed -- Dr. Mark Mateland, President of Oral Robbers University has stated that the recent earthquake in New Madrid is a warning from Ghodd that "Murcia does not pray enough. He called on all Christians to pray for the survivors and said a special chapel was held for the victims of the earthquake. 
----
FNN -- Moon -- New Captain Announced -- The Corps of Discovery has announced that the First Captain of the new Atlantis class Cruiser will be Captain Spaulding Ashby, the most senior Captain in the Corps. "Rolling out a new ship of a new class is not a position of patronage," Stated Spokesman Anthony Allion. "The Atlantis is an untried everything. Size, technology, speed, the works. It is a quantum step in technology for Earth, that 20 years ago was not even considering exploring the stars.
Captain Gamas Toras late of the Tellerite Star Service will be assuming command of the CDSS Calaban.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Stabilization Breakthrough -- With recovery for the recent Earthquake well in hand President Luthor has announced that an agreement with Indonesia will allow the World Stabilization Project to go forward in that nation. 
The Indonesian government has not been accepting of even the idea of Breakout. We suspect something happened that has not made the international news that has changed their minds.
----
BBC -- London, England -- New Government -- With the recent shakeup of the Government ordered by Queen Elizabeth II, the second time in her 60 year reign she has done this, there has been no clear winner.
An extremely fractured coalition government has formed with Basil Hornblower of the Libertarian Socialist Party emerging as Prime Minister. Political pundits suspect they will not last six months. 
The Honorable Mr Hornblower stated. "Well first things first. Once we make sure that good English Ale is served at the proper temperature, We shall see to the lifting of restrictions on fusion so that Great Britain can join the rest of the First World as it should. And a Minister of Wizardry, we need one of those too."
As the Yanks say, make popcorn.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Holder Resigns -- Attorney General Eric Holder has resigned from his position effective at once announced an unnamed Department of Justice Spokesperson. The White House announced that the position will be filled by Curt Chandra, a long time DoJ staffer. They expect confirmation will go though quickly. 
Any questions as to why Mr Holder has suddenly resigned was given "No comment." by the DoJ. Sources wishing to remain anonymous stated that he was feeling "blue".
----
NewsEye -- Richmond, Va -- Governor Meltdown -- The Governor of Virginia Ralph Gonesough has announced his resignation over the matter of rising stupidity over ungenerous actions as a college student. Instead of owning up and letting go like a sane Human being he has waffled more than Waffle House. Now he is scattered, covered, and smothered. Being his entire administration is on the rocks, popcorn is advised.
----
BBC -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Anak Krakatau Rises! -- Reports from the local area of Anak Krakatau indicate that the volcano is in full eruption. Tall columns of smoke are rising and lava has been spotted on the slopes of the mountain. Towns and Villages within 50 miles have been advised to evacuate at once and all coastal areas are under tsunami watch should the events of 1883 be repeated.
Jakarta has requested that the Thunderbird Stations be on active standby.
<BR> 
==2-22-19==
La Repubblica -- Venice, Italy -- Blood in the Water -- Reports from Venice indicate that blood is staining the water around the Doge's palace. Other anonymous sources say that screams can be heard from inside the venerable structure.
The Venetian government indicates that there is no issue and nothing to be concerned about. Francesco Moraglia the Patriarch of Venice has been called to consult. 
----
Faux News -- St Louis, Mo -- We have Water and Sewage! -- Daniel Dreisewerd, P.E., PTOE, Acting Director, of the county DPW has stated that "Earthquake aside all water, sewage, and gas lines are working and unbroken. How and why are unknown, but we are grateful to what every agency."
Citizens report that short women with horse hooves and tails were seen in the vicinity of the major breaks. Always briefly and then they would blur away. "They were wearing nothing but tool belts and smiles" stated local citizen Marty Corker. "The five were eating lunch, they waved at me and blurred out of sight. The drainage basin was fixin' before my eyes."
The House of Crafters Gaya Kareena Ray Allion called our offices. She stated that "The girls and few men are called Avils. They are immortal beings that serve the Centaur Gods, a type of angel. It is the wish of Anthony that the disruption to Human lives be minimal."
Kacie Starr Short, a Minister recovering from a financial scandal during her time as a city councilor stated: "We should not seek the aid of beings that are not of the LORD God and Jebus Christ. We reject the aid of heathen creatures and accept only those of the LORD God." She was shortly after this hit by lightning that blew all her clothing off. She was not otherwise harmed. She was transported to Methodist's Hospital and releases later in the day...with clothing.
Faux News later learned her house had been unhooked from water, sewage and gas. All of which had been damaged in the quake.
----
FNN -- Dufftown, Scotland -- Magic Level -- The Collegium Arcane announced that the stabilization efforts to keep the half World and whole World as they are have been shaking loose many old issues of a magical or spiritual nature. "These are not new things" said Director Milton Fellion. "We are dealing with things that in a saner magical environment would have been dealt with years or ages ago. Many of these issues have simmered below the level of notice for centuries. If you find such an issue, call us or a local authority that can deal with it. 
The Collegium Arcane announced that due to the ongoing stabilization and the recent events in the United States heartland, ergo the Earthquake and the magical means used to mitigate the damage, the current magic level is 15.7 on the Thoth-Isis scale. Again we are reminded that it is now known that the decrease in "pressure" the difference between Earth and Greyhawke is easing. It takes bigger events to move the magic level.
Greyhawke is at 18 on the Thoth-Isis scale.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Washington DC -- Ghost in the House -- The spirit of a man that has been identified as Jonathan Cilley, late congressman of Maine, as in 1838 late. The Honorable Jonathan Cilley was killed in a duel on February 24, 1838. Speaker of the House Nancy Petard (California 12th District TB) said that a call had been placed to the Rev. Flynn, when he had the time from dealing with the living. That came first.
----
NewsEye -- Los Angeles, Ca -- The Gate is Easing Up -- Gatekeeper Molly Abba* has announced that the gate will now be open for two hours a day. Curtain Wall time is still limited to once each way due to loading and unloading time. "I know that several nations have pressured me to add more gates." Stated Ms Abba. "However that is still not an advisable thing to do. Please be patient. Things are working in out favor."
*I would love to be the Keymaster --Ed.
<BR> 
==3-10-19==
NewsEye -- Tulsa, Ok -- A Book...Watering? -- Oral Robbers University has pulled off their marvelous stunt they have been seething about for months. Students were sent into the city. The April issue of Popular Magician was bought up wherever they could find it. A grand book burning in the fashion of the Inquisition was planned. 
Well the magazines were ruined...by water. They burned two acres of lawn with the gasoline, threatened several University buildings, and the fire department was called. Tickets were issued to the administration.
In the aftermath the retailers got another shipment. Too late for popcorn. Pointing and laughing is possible.
----
CBC -- Ottawa, On -- We Could Use an Oath -- The Canadian branch of ARM has politely suggested that in the wake of recent scandals with the Prime Minister Trudeau and others that the oath of noble obligation should be required. "The United States administration has proven you can run a government without it imploding", stated CARM spokesperson Bernie Youder. "We the people of Canada deserve better."
Ottawa officials declined comment at this time.
----
Channel 3 KVTV "Eyewitless News" -- Vista City, Ca -- Brazen Jewel Heist -- An unknown person did a smash and grab heist of the Schritter's Jewelry store on Churn Creek Rd Sunday evening. Police report that an unknown person or persons entered the store after disabling the main alarms. The robbers smashed display cases and made off with the majority of the visible stock. Police were alerted by a secondary alarm on the high value display case. The robbers were gone by the time police arrived.
Police are reviewing security tapes at this time. Neither Schritter's Jewelry nor the Vista City Police Department wished to comment at this time.
----
MSNBC -- Philadelphia, Pa -- Eastern State Closed -- The Eastern State Penitentiary Historic Site, Inc. has announced that Historical Eastern State Penitentiary will be closed to tours for an indeterminate time. Visitor safety was cited as the reason for the closure.
Anonymous sources that stated that several visitors were injured by "phantom occurrences" at the Historical site. No one reported injured was willing to speak to the press at this time. 
An employee that spoke anonymously stated: "The old pile is getting lively. The terror and pain, they are taking on a life of their own. Ghosts or no ghosts, there is something evil in that place, and it is waking up. I'm quitting, soon".
----
Tampa Bay Times -- Clearwater, Fl -- Miscarriage Released, for a While -- David Miscarrage has been released from medical care. Police were waiting for him outside the hospital and took him into custody for sexual assault on the person of Casa Blackmane. He was shortly arraigned and released on $100,000 bail. 
Mr Miscarriage refused comment.
It is hard to look at him. The claw attack and subsequent infection has left his face hideously disfigured.
In related news the Scientoffery Superpower building has been formally condemned by the Clearwater board of engineers. The sinkhole that opened in the building has spread to the outer walls. The city plans to push the whole structure into the sinkhole as part of the fill. Demolition starts Monday. 
<BR> 
==3-27-19==
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Something to Swear By -- The Federal Court has dismissed with prejudice Ted Crude's (Texas TR) suit against President Luthor (TB) for lacking standing. His complaint that the Administration is required to take the so called "Oath of Obligation" does not affect the Legislative branch and therefor it is not his right to sue. Doubtless The Honorable Mr Crude is seeking other ways to keep himself from eventually being held accountable.
----
Faux News -- Albany, NY -- Anyone Need a Seat? -- With the United States firmly in the Sentient Rights club, the New York Department of Corrections has placed "Old Sparky" up for auction. "Old Sparky" is notable as being the first electric chair used in the United States, and was first use to execute William Kemmler who murdered his wife in 1889. The auction is being held by Sotheby's on Sunday May 5 in their offices in New York, NY along with a catalog of less interesting items. Inquiries should be addressed to Sotheby's.
Suzy Softheart of the Southern Baptist Association called the sale "ghoulish". So I suppose we should not approve.
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Pirate Attack Thwarted -- Units of the Solar Patrol aided by the ADF Rubicon, drove pirate cutters off the Cunard Lines Starliner Queen Victoria in-bound from Vulcan on Tuesday. One of the three cutters was captured revealing a mix of Orion and Tellerite crew. The ADF Rubicon took the damaged Queen under tow and returned her to Earth. No civilian casualties were noted. There were 100 Vulcan civilians aboard at the time of the attack.
Vulcan, Cunard, and Solar Patrol officials commend the action of Solar Patrol and ADF crew members for their swift action in defense of life and freedom of navigation.
Cunard officials state the Queen Victoria will be in repair at Gagarin Station. Those with tickets for the near future should contact Cunard for rescheduling 
----
The Times-Picayune -- New Orleans, LA -- Legal Rites -- The shade of Barney Sunners, commonly called the Bayou Ghost has filed suit in New Orleans Municipal Court to stop the destruction of the Old Ames House along the Bayou Lafourche. The shade of Barney Sunners, speaking though his lawyer stated that he has haunted this premises for 100 years and as no living person has attempted to possess the house he is entitled to said title and to be allowed to haunt in peace. 
Lafourche Parish officials stated that the property is long in arrears of the taxes and belongs to the Lafourche Parish itself. Mr Sunners, if he can be called that needs to be sent to his rightful afterlife and depart the world of the living.
The courts has yet to decide.
----
Mother Jones -- Tall Trees, Mt -- Citizenship Drive -- Tall Trees, the Tanuki town in Montana is having a major citizenship drive. While the Tanuki Rain has been with us for a while and a number of Tanuki have become naturalized, or the case of births, natural citizens, the big rush is about to hit. This year the cruise ship survivors, all 4500 of them will be legible for citizenship. 
It has been noted that the Tanuki are eager for citizenship, very few of those that become eligible do not complete the process. Two Tanuki are currently serving in State Legislative bodies. Mae Blackmane of Marietta Ga, and Cory Bushtail of Tall Trees Montana. It is also noted that Tanuki are not a silent minority. They are politically active in any community they are in. They form committees, they join police forces and their neighborhood watches are some of the most effective in the country. 
It is sadly also noted that they are frequently the victims of hate attacks. Their churches and business have been bombed. They are not shy about using magic to restore the dead and wounded, and to rebuild quickly. 
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- We know His Colors -- Montana Representative Greg Giantfootte (TR) has introduced a bill to limit birthright citizenship to only those born of US Citizens in the United States. An exception is noted for children born of two US citizens off scared US soil.
With a Team Blue Congress this bill is fated to die in committee, never mind what he is even suggesting would require a Constitutional Amendment, not a mere act of Congress. On the plus side we know exactly what we are dealing with. Montana voters take note.
----
Pravda -- St Petersburg, Russia -- Wedding Bells to Ring -- The Household of the Tzarina of all the Russias Maria Vladimirovna has announced that she is engaged to wed Dimitri Romanovich, also of the old Romanov line. in September 2019.
Under the provision of the Russian Constitution Dimitri Romanovich will be granted the Title of Grand Duke and will rank under the Tzarina.
Start stocking up now, it looks to be the blow out party of the Century.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Royal Announcements -- Prince Charles has announced that in the better interest of the country he is stepping aside as the Prince of Wales in favor of his son, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge. Prince Charles' Spokesperson stated. His Highness notes his advanced age and the fact that even if his health is excellent his reign would be short. Due to the blessed long life of his Mother, like Queen Victoria, better to skip a generation.
His Household stated that the Prince expects to retire to the life of the country gentleman and get out of the way of his son.
<BR> 
==4-14-19==
Truthmax News -- New York, NY-- Announcing Truthmax News -- We are pleased to announce Truthmax News where we only speak the absolute truth about the World situation. We have picked up all the good common taters that the increasingly liberal Faux News has thrown out for spurious reasons like Bill O'Really, and Glen Peck. (If anyone knows where Anne Counter is, let us know.)
You can expect hard hitting Red flavored news product with only the barest relationship to liberal so called facts that do not matter. Get that stars and bars back out boys, we are just getting started.
----
Faux News -- Austin, Texas -- Crude Promises Run -- Speaking at a Young Redders meeting at Texas State University Great Statesman Ted Crude has promised that he will run in the 2020 presidential elections. "I am willing to take my rightful place at the head of our Christianist Nation abolishing all magical oaths for any governmental Employee" stated revered Senator Crude. "Furthermore birthright citizenship is a privilege not a right and belongs only to the children of other Natural Human American Citizens".
----
AP Wire -- Philadelphia, PA -- Asylum Calls for Investigation -- Rick Asylum has called for the impeachment of Liberal Judges that have ordered the adoption of a Michigan style district allocation plan due to the flagrant and abusive Gerrymandering of Team Red. "There is nothing wrong with making sure that Pennsylvania is represented by Ghodd fearin' Humans." stated Senator Asylum. "Anyone that thinks otherwise a yellow belled Liberal traitor to our Great Nation."
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Ramming Speed! -- ADF spokesAne Saoiban reported that Bill Armstrong of, Tupelo, Ms is currently in custody for attempting to ram a stolen shuttle into the ADF Improbable. Saoiban stated: "The shuttle was quickly sensed, neutralized and tractored in. Mr Armstrong was taken and is currently in the brig. The owners of the shuttle have been notified." The ADF is currently discussing the disposition of Mr Armstrong as the exact jurisdiction of the crime is muddled. "He broke all the laws he could everywhere" stated SpokesAne Saoiban. The United States wants him for theft and breaking Areospace regulations for an unplanned flight. We are not real happy with him trying to ram the Improbable, and there might be some international piracy or terrorism on the high seas thing going down too. He made it complicated. We are inclined, inclined mind you, to turn him over to the US so we can stop feeding him." 
<BR> 
==4-19-19==
BBC -- Paris, France -- Holy Roof Raising! -- Pope Francis, 23 Cardinals, and over 100 priests and lay persons entered the damaged Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris and began to pray. As they did so the burned timbers, unburned, they raised themselves to the top of the Cathedral and before thousands of witnesses the burned structure was restored to wholeness. A blast of holy energy stripped ages of grime from the walls and the old Lady of Paris shone as if she was newly built. 
After a moment of silence the crowd outside rushed into the Church, the bells rang and Pope Francis himself started Good Friday mass.
The mood in Paris is jubilant. What the citizens of the City of Light though would be an arduous, years-long process has been in a single act of God, finished in under 15 minutes.
Pope Francis has asked that those that have pledged funds to the restoration put that money to the aid of the poor, and hungry in what ever nation they might be found.
----
Faux News -- Clearwater, Fl -- Miscarriage Convicted -- David Miscarriage of the Church of Scientoffery was convicted in the Florida Superior Court of simple battery against he person of Casa Blackmane. He was sentenced to one year in prison. The court rejected the plea for leniency due to Ms. Blackmane's defensive move nearly ripping his face off after her breasts were manhandled by Miscarriage. Superior Judge Mike Calhoun said: "You bought that son."
----
ABC News 7 -- Dearborn, Mi -- Live Steam? -- For the third day running Officials at the Henry Ford Museum & Greenfield Village have reported that the 1855 Gothic Revival Beam Engine was in motion when workers went to open the Museum for normal operations. This motion stopped shortly after it was reported.
It is a little known fact that all the stationary engines on the Museum floor will run and many of them have steam pipes run up from the basement for the purpose. However, the steam boilers have long been non-operational and the only engine currently rigged to run is the 1859 Corliss Steam Engine that is run on compressed air.
Museum officials are at a loss as to what is happening.
----
Mother Jones -- Nashville, Tn -- Unearthly Sounds -- Once again the sound of screaming whistles and an unearthly racket of splintering wood and steel was heard at the location known as Dutchman's Curve near the City of Nashville. The Location of the Nation's worse train accident in 1918 than killed 101 persons. This racket has gone on now since July of 2018, the 100th anniversary of the accident.
<BR> 
==5-1-19==
New York Times -- New York, NY -- May Day and still Flogging -- Team Pinko turned out in its tens for its annual parade in Manhattan. They marched from their Headquarters at 75 Maiden Lane down to the Dead Rabbit Grocery and Grog to drown their sorrows.
The usual red flags were carried, but nothing in terms of spirited singing or slogans for which they have been known in the past. 
With a strong economy, rising wages, universal health care and universal income coming down the road We wonder why they are still around.
----
Faux News -- Winston-Salem, NC -- Toke Time -- Flipped Norris USA has announced that they are releasing a manufactured marijuana cigarette that will provide "A consistent and safe dosage every time with a smoother smoking experience."
Flipped Norris USA has been staggering since the sudden death of the tobacco market several years ago for reasons no one yet understands. People just stopped using it in droves. Sales plummeted for every form of tobacco. 
Flipped Norris USA is banking on the legalization of marijuana to save the company from bankruptcy. 
----
MessyNBC -- Portland, OR -- May Day Protests -- A mob of people calling themselves Brockoverts blocked streets and waved signs in the downtown area. They were calling for mandatory birth control on "most people". No clear idea of who most people are was given. Signs stated that reproduction was a privilege not a right.
These appear to be the disciples of a radical extinctionist by the name of Hiram Brockovert. There was no sign of Mr. Brockovert in the mob.
Police were summoned and the crowd dispersed with minor issues. Three people were arrested. The Police have not released any names. 
Comment: They didn't even smash a Starbucks...lame. --A Real Liberal Protester
----
Al Jazup -- Cairo, Egypt -- Restorations Continue -- The Egyptian Department of Antiquities reports the obvious, that ancient monuments are being restored by person or persons unknown.
First Century vandalism by Coptic Christians at the Temple of Hator in the Dendera Temple Complex has been uncarved. Not filled in or repaired, but the stones look to have never been vandalized by any test.
The Tomb of Ramses the Great (KV7) has been mostly restored at this point, flood damaged plaster, carvings, and painting have been restored, we hope. There is no way to know if what we are seeing is what was there in the beginning. Egyptian Scholars are reluctant to trust what they can read.
There is more than anyone can see. The Giza pyramids are looking better every day, the casing stones are a third of the way up all three of the large pyramids. Karnak is nearly ready for the priests to move back in. Many sites are likewise being restored by unseen hands all over the country.
The Inams mutter in their beards for it is no act of Allah that does this. Pagan gods are best forgotten. No one has come forward to claim they are responsible, and a reward is out for information leading to their arrest.
Comment: The old gods are not gone, and magic stirs on the waters. -- Annon
<BR> 
==5-20-19==
KABC - Los Angeles, Ca -- Road Rage -- Benny Morgan of Los Angeles was arrested Monday morning while taking a pickax to the southbound I-5 North of the Glendale Freeway interchange. Traffic was (further) blocked while Mr Morgan swung said pickax at the concrete of the middle lane cackling like a mad man. Police noting that Mr Morgan was armed with a pickax, stunned him after a brief opportunity to put down the tool and come peaceably.
Mr Morgan was taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital for evaluation,and will face changes if found competent. The I-5 was not injured in the attack. Traffic resumed its usual morning crawl after the police departed.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- New Ane/Human Band Announced -- Morgan NeAnsisi announced the new Ane/Human band in the same mold as Pumzi ya Uhai. Moyo, meaning Heartbeat in Swahili, will begin touring in June with Concerts in New Orleans, Chicago, and Montreal. 
They will then start on the rolling tour currently employed by Pumzi ya Uhai. They will move out from Montreal and make their way though Canada, double back and start on the US Northwest and Northern States. They could come to your town.
----
BBC -- Chongqing, Sichuan -- Merger Announced -- Grandmother of Sichuan has announced that an agreement has been reached between the Chinese states of Sichuan, and Yunnan to merge. She will be stepping down as will the current government of Yunnan. A new Parliament and Grandparent will be elected by the now united nation. The official name of the new united country is to be Xīnán. 
----
Faux News -- Kansas City, Mo -- They Have Been Spotted -- Leading Anti-Vax proponent Jenny McNinny was transported to St Luke's Hospital when she showed up for a speaking engagement covered in red spots.
Tests proves Ms McNinny was not suffering from or carrying any disease, but the red spots were superficial, and apparently part of her "normal coloration".
Back at the Kansas City Hilton confusion reigned as the red spots started to appear on other members of the crowd gathered to listen to her speak. Police were summoned and using quarantine procedures the crowed was processed. Only one case of actual Measles was found and in that case it was in the pre-symptom stage. 
The red spots covered about one quarter of the attendees.
Reports from around the country prove the spots are spreading. A new plague of just spots?
Comment: And so it will remain. Those so marked have rejected the gifts of medicine and know they are lying about the supposed dangers. They will remain so marked until they become honest people. -- Annon, and don't even look.
Not bullet points -- Catboy
<BR> 
==6-6-19==
BBC -- Hong Kong -- Agreement Reached -- The Collegium Arcane has reached a formal agreement with Emperor Chow Yung of the Chinese Empire for support of Witches and Wizards stabilizing the whole and half World in the body of the Chinese Empire. Said persons are to be given food and board if they so wish for the duration of the project. They will also receive protection from the Imperial Police should that be required.
The Nation of Xīnán has already completed their own stabilization rituals and is offering to aid other Successor States in their own efforts.
The Great Committee of History in Huan has formally Marked the End of the Maoist Dynasty and named the current political age The Successor States Period.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- The Jockeying Begins -- With the Leadership of Team Red in tatters, and no clear candidate for office the back room deals and jockeying for position have begun. Most senior Team Red Senators are being eyed ans possible candidates as well as a number of Governors. Of note are Senator Billy Bob Hawkins of Texas, and Governor Mike Penny of Indiana.
Team Scarlet is setting up for the first truly serious run for the office of President. John McCane and Rand Peters are noted front runners. 
Team Blue from all indications will run Alexander Joseph Luthor as the incumbent. He shows no sign of quitting.
----
MessyNBC -- San Marcos, Ca -- Real Protests -- Police monitored protests in front of the offices of Abyss Creations, maker of the Gynoid One and Android One sex robots by the Valley Bible Church. Protesters attempted to block access to the offices, but were prevented from doing so by Police.
"These people make only sinful products." Seethed Rev. Roy Jenner. "Sex is only for married, real people and reproduction only!" The Reverend was present with his wife and pregnant unwed daughter. Some 50 Church members were present waving signs and blocking the public sidewalk.
We sought comment from the makers of the Real Dolls themselves. Manager Suzy Marks said "They will go away, we will still sell product. The minister of my Church has not said anything about what I work to make, and he cured my cervical cancer. So I'm going to take him far more seriously than the loons on the street. Suzy smiled when asked if she had tested the product. "My business, and I will neither confirm or deny."
----
TruthMax News -- Washington DC -- Luthor Secret Meeting -- President Luthor held an hour long secret meeting with the Ambassador Jerlane of the pagan outsider nation Eyrie. When confronted with this meeting the White House Press secretary demurred. "It is nothing. The President meets with all the Ambassadors, at least six a week. It was Jerlane's turn, Terry Browne of Great Britain was right before him."
We can question why the president pays court to this Outsider, especially since he took the oath of obligation identical to the Eyrian Empire. 
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Harbor Disaster -- The Container ship Emma Mærsk ran aground off Liberty Island Wednesday in New York Harbor. The Emma Mærsk reported loosing steering control as she entered the upper bay and in spite of all efforts to reverse her course and tugs changing down on the ship it grounded south of Liberty island at 9:40 AM, high tide. 
The New York Port Authority reports the ship is not blocking the channel and is not currently a hazard to navigation or the environment. At this time it is unknown how they are going to float a fully loaded container ship. The Coast Guard stated that a full investigation will be held. The crew are being allowed ashore under survivor visas. An active watch is being kept in the unlikely event she should float herself. The ship is under the control of the Coast Guard. The Captain and officers of the ship are being held pending investigation.
The Emma Mærsk is an older container ship that is still burning fuel oil. The Port Authority has indicated that rules may soon be in place banning ships that burn oil from New York harbor. The danger posed by such an event is the prime reason.
It is also noted that these large commercial ships have no redundancy in terms of propulsion or control. One prop, one rudder, and both insufficient to totally control her.
<BR> 
==6-17-19==
FNN -- Washington DC -- The Power Station Opens -- Stage one of the United States Power Satellite System has been completed and the practical issues of beaming that power back to Earth are at last something that can be tackled. There are three competing theories as to how this is going to work and no practical systems. This does not address the twice as many scientists that claim it cannot be done without cooking things. Infighting is common.
The White House has stated that for the time being the power will be used to manufacture anti-matter as the issue is dealt with. Without power to beam, a practical application could not be be developed. 
Meanwhile fusion penetration in the United States is reaching 75%. Hydro power and wind farms account for the remaining 25%. The old fossil fuel plants are bad history.
Experts are estimating that the replicators will pull five to ten times as much power as the Country has available at this time.
----
TruthMax -- Austin, Tx -- Primed and Ready -- The Honorable Ted Crude has announced that he is primed and ready to take the White House back from the godless forces of Team Blue for the Nation and Jebus. That Ghodd willing and with the help of Jebus he will end the Team Blue degradation of this Great Nation for all time. "The fact that demons have been found in government offices is PROOF that Team Blue is in league with the dark forces they claim to we warning people about." Stated Beloved Statesman Ted Crude. "It is your CHRISTian duty to vote Team Red in 2020!"
----
BBC -- London, England -- British Petroleum Falls -- The High Court today announced that debtors have filed a petition of insolvency against the British Petroleum Corporation. The suite claims that BP owns in excess of £20,000,000,000.00 in unpaid debt, that no viable income with which to pay the debt. The suit requests the selling of assets to meet the debt.
Representatives of British Petroleum refused comment at this time. 
----
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- The End of the World, Again -- The Reverend Paul Jones has declared that Ghodd has informed him that the Time of Tribulation will begin on October, 10, at Noon Central time. The return of Jebus will follow seven years thereafter as predicted in Revelations. All believers should gather around and be ready.
Rev Randy of the Ninth Baptist Church of Tulsa smiled as he said: "'But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.' - Matthew 24:36 Right there in the Bible brothers and Sisters, ignore this man he is a fraud. The Reverend Randy was echoed in every church we called. 
Dr. William M. Whistlein of Oral Robbers University also disagreed. "We believe the Time of Tribulation is already upon us. The Christian is reviled throughout the land and false Prophets abound." 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Police Protest -- Officers of the LAPD staged a sickout over what the Police Union called "toxic working conditions". "Our officers are forced to operate in a state of constant surveillance and with inadequate tools to do the jobs we were hired to do. Jobs more dangerous than any save the fire department, which has adequate tools and more relaxed working conditions.
Mayor Eric Garaetti commented: "Cry me a river. The law is the law. A law the citizens demanded. A law the Police brought on themselves. If the current officers cannot deal with the law we will find officers that can."
<BR> 
==7-7-19==
Chicken Noddle News -- Seattle, Wa -- Boeing Boeing! -- Boeing Aircraft company continues to struggle with the software on the 838 short ranged aircraft. The Federal Aviation Administration looked on disapprovingly as several outside firms have been brought in to examine the code that has caused two deadly, wonderful air catastrophes in a few short months. We wait eagerly for future fallout, ahem developments in this matter.
---
MessyNBC -- Boston Ma -- New Generator Announced -- General Electric has announced a new five to 10 kilowatt fusion powered electric generator that will sit on a 2 meter square foot print. The generator and its deturium tank take up the space of an average mini van and can power a home or small business for a year on one tank of fuel. This assumes the fairly heavy electrical use of an all electric household. Something General Electric highly recommends.
The 887 micro impulse reactor that powers the system is the size of the average toaster oven. Abet the exhaust is hotter. Said exhaust is trapped and run though a secondary turbine until the heat released is no more than the average home AC compressor.
General Electric has stated that the only way to get the reactor to exhibit a dangerous failure mode is with sufficient military grade explosive to kill anyone close enough to get burned by the heat flash. 
----
TruthMax -- Sacramento, Ca -- Horrible Ruling! -- The Godless judges of the Socialist state of California have once again proven that the war on Christians continues with their dismissal of the righteous suit against the law that removed the property tax exemption for Churches. Godless so called non-profits that profit in the murder of unborn Humans like Planned Parenthood still receives such an exemption. 
Protests are being planned, stay tuned.
----
NewsEye -- Denver Co -- Does this Ever End? -- Denver Mayor Mitch Hardcok (TB) was caught in flagrante delicto with a female staffer in his office on Sunday. The Mayor, embarrassed to say the least has refused comment and has promised a statement Monday at 10:00AM. The name of the female staffer is being withheld to keep her from being mercilessly trolled and/or doxed.
Well at the least we can say that Mr Hardcok is a Team Blue politician. It was a woman.
Get your False Apology Bingo cards at our website. Our prizes are worthless but interesting.
----
RedNet -- RealManForum -- THIS HAS TO STOP! -- FOREIGN NATIONALS ARE ENTRAPPING GOOD AMERICAN MEN INTO TRUPPED UP CHARGES THAT DO NOT DESTERVE TO FACE. iNNOCENT MEN ARE GOING TO JAIL FOR THOU8GHT CRIMES, EGTGED ON BY THOSE OUTSDEI USA SOIL AND UNSIDE USA LAW. THIS HAS TO STOP! -- basementtroll49335
Comment: "You stop making rape and death threats, I'll stop pressing charges." -- Toni Allion.
----
Atlanta Journal-Constitution -- Marietta, Ga -- It Had to Happen -- A hazmat situation occurred Wednesday at the Real Man Restaurant on Fairground Road in Marietta. A industrial sized can of ghost pepper sauce exploded in the kitchen area. Two kitchen workers were evacuated to the hospital. the restaurant was evacuated for safety while a hazmat remediation hosed down the kitchen area. 
The suppler of the ghost pepper sauce is being questioned in this matter. There were no permanent injuries.
<BR> 
==7-16-19==
ABC -- Gillette, Wy -- Coal Gone -- Cloud Peak Energy the largest coal corporation the United States has filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy. "The operation is closing permanently." stated a Cloud Peak Energy spokesperson. "Dozens of hard working American jobs are going in the dustbin because of newfangled energy sources. You are going to miss us, I promise."
----
FNN -- Star Base One -- Vegaris Relief Ending -- The ADF and Corps of Discovery have announced the end of the long running Vegaris relief ferry missions. "The fighting on Vegaris has died out, mainly for the lack of people wiling to continue it. The population has been decimated in the old sense. About ten percent of the population has been either removed, the lucky ones, or killed. Sadly far more numerous." Stated spokeswoman Varna. "I am thankful for this effort as I was one of the refugees rescued. As far as we know none of the major Gold houses known at the start of the war are left standing. We remain willing to aid Vegaris in recovery."
----
NewsEye -- Phoenix, Az -- McCane Running -- Senior Arizona senator John McCane has announced that he is running for POTUS in 2020 under the Team Scarlet banner. "Team Scarlet is serious. We are running not just against Team Blue, but the The Crazy that has consumed Team Red as well. We are the Constitution Party and are not beholden to any religion or against same. Theology belongs in churches, not the Statehouse." Said Senator McCane. "I expect a hard fought battle, an incumbent is hard to displace, but we are running to win."
----
MessyNBC -- Atlanta, Ga -- Dude, Grow me a House -- Georgia Pacific Lumber has announced the opening of the first custom manufactured lumber mill in the World. "We have taken the vegiculture technology and tweaked it a bit." Stated the company spokesperson. "Wood after all is a plant. We can cause lumber to grow to any dimension we desire. It is straight and flaw free. Endless two by four on order. We admit that to begin with this will be a premium product, as one mill can make wood only so fast. But if this proves itself eventually we plan that it will replace cut wood entirely."
----
Rolling Stone -- San Marcos, Ca -- Sex Robots for China! -- Abyss Creations has announced that the Chinese Empire has purchased 100 of the top end Gynoid One female Real Doll models, "in a variety of shapes and colors." Company Spokesperson Linda Morrison stated, "This makes our year. The buy was unexpected. And the top end model too. Someone is getting one hell of a harem."
<BR> 
==7-21-19==
Channel 7 Eyewitless News -- Vista City, Ca -- A Little Too Much -- Mr Cory Winslow was seriously injured Saturday by hundreds of golf balls suddenly flying out the water hazard at the 9th hole of Sage Canyon County Club and striking him. Mr Winslow was reportedly employing a magic device that was to recover his own lost balls. It apparently works too well. Mr Winslow suffered multiple bruises and contusions due to his experience and he is resting comfortably. He is expected to make a full recovery.
We were unable to contact the maker of the device for comment.
----
ABC News -- New York, NY -- UN Charter News -- The Charter Committee of the United Nations has presented its draft charter to the General Assembly based on the recommendation of the Committee to Modernize the United Nations Charter. After a period of comment the draft will return to committee for creation of the final document.
What we have been able to learn of the draft charter.
* A statement of Rights has been included. A modified version of the Sentient Rights document, including what constitutes a sentient being.
* The right of communication. A resolution that the Planet Earth shall be considered "local" for all communications. 
* Eliminating passports and visa requirement for all international travel.
* Reducing the power of the Security Council, the limited by member veto, and a rotation between all members of the UN. No permanent members.
* Altering the General Assembly to a two house system, with a single vote per country chamber and a by population chamber with a member per one million population. 
Along with the major points several ideas were floated to get Elephants and Cetaceans into the body in a meaningful way. The Ane were all but begged to join. The Ane replied that it is full and unaltered SRA or nothing.
----
Faux News -- Little Rock, Ak -- The Shame the Shame -- State Senator Joe Cotton has denied rumors that members of his family have voted for team blue in recent elections. "All my relation are good Redders." stated Senator Cotton. "And that there secret ballot is secret for a reason!"
State Senator Cotton is well know for a hard Red stand on everything.
-----
NewsEye -- Huntsville, Al -- We Should Have Known -- Grand Lizzard of the KKK Larry Wittles is well know for his unwavering stand against anything that is not Human and heterosexual. He was caught Saturday night at the American Legion Post 210 with a Green Orion prostitute, a male Green Orion prostitute. In the act of doing the nasty as it is said. Both were taken into custody by the Montgomery Police for public lewdness.
Mr Lizzard's family has refused comment. His wife looked fit to be tied and ready to spit hot nails. He might want to stay in jail.
<BR> 
==7-25-19==
Huff & Puff Post -- Dufftown, Scotland -- New Book -- The Collegium Arcane is pleased to announce the publication of The Dawn Light Guide to the Craft: An ethical way of Earth magic by Starry Windchilde. In short words, witchcraft. Witchcraft that works. The new book outlines the way of the craft, including a commandment to get help and not try this on your own. A website to the Collegium Arcane is listed. Mentors can be found. 
We see this book as a breath of fresh air. The opening of a long closed by superstition and fear power to aid. A power largely wielded by women. Ergo the reason it was feared.
Comment: "Begging your pardon darlings, but I have all the male parts and know how to use them. I am as good at craft as any woman." -G. Casanova
"As are many men. This is not a female only or female preferred profession. Your prejudges aside." -M. Abba.
"What would she know! Women are being empowered and she is a tool of a patriarchy." - Mary Sunshine.
----
BBC -- London, England --Anglesey Reopens -- The British Army has quit Anglesey Island reopening the island to all residents and visitors alike, ending the long lock down. Armed Forces and Royal spokespersons refused anyd comment simply stating "the crisis is over." And that is all we can get. 
A road tour of the Island proves that all is as it was. Most residents state they have no idea save for a bunch of naked rowdies traipsing though the woods. Others were grimly tight lipped, even for Welshmen. 
----
TruthMax -- Washington DC -- Illegal Invasion -- President Luthor one again outraged the nation by welcoming so called refugees from Honduras. People that can't even speak English. Only Jebus knows what wretched scum he is letting into our great nation.
This is not to even mention the number of yellow and green people that have been granted asylum and even resident status from places far from Earth. He is out to dilute America to the point of dissolution.
Comment: Comment deleted for being pro liberal.
----
Al Jazup -- Riyadh, United Arabia - Dates for Hajj -- Queen Fatima has announced that the next Hajj will be extended by two days, from the 7th to 14th Dhu al-Hijjah (August 8th to 15th), Hajj has been extended by two days by fatwa of a panel of senior Sunni and Suffi clerics. The pilgrimage will be conduced in two waves, each being equal in correctness to accommodate the large number of the Believers.
Shite clerics of Iran have declared a fatwa against the United Arabic fatwa and have forbidden any Shite from participating in what is called an adulterated pilgrimage. 
<BR> 
==8-1-19==
Faux News 4 -- Chicago, Il -- A Gristly Scene -- Father Quincy Indegradus, pastor of the St Jude Capuchin Monastery was killed in a gristly accident Wednesday. He was reportedly working on the parsonage roof when he fell impaling himself through the crotch on a fence post that was also being worked on at the time. The Father was declared dead by EMT's at the scene.
Father Indegradus has spent the last 20 years moving frequently from parish to parish before he landed with the St Jude Capuchin Monastery. Cardinal Abbot of the Greater Chicago Archdiocese did not wish to comment stating that it was a time of mourning for the religious community. Father Quincy Indegradus was 42 at the time of Death.
----
NewsEye -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Police Lawsuit -- The Fraternal Order of Police has borought suit in the Federal Court over the recent firing of officers that participated in a sickout in protest of the Los Angeles no lethal law. The Office of the Mayor stated that: "Protest of the law was not a legitimate labor action and therefor officers that participate are not protected by their labor contract. No Lethal is a matter of law, not negotiation." Stated the Mayor's office. "If the Police have a problem with it they can take it up with the Citizens that passed said law."
The Union is seeking restoration of the fired officers with back pay. The law has already been upheld in Federal Court.
----
4 Action News -- Bethel, Ny -- Couple Found -- Police reported picking up Robert Riche and Mary Tanner near the famous Yasgur's farm* in Bethel, Ny. The couple dressed in tie dye and jeans said they were looking for their '68 VW microbus. They stated the day was August 18, 1969. The young man had a driver's license that matched his statement of the date. Both claimed to be from Boston, Ma.
A review of missing person reports shows that there is a report of Mary Tanner dated August 25, 1969 and for Robert Riche on August 27 of the same year, reported in Boston.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- UN Debates -- Anonymous sources at the UN state that signers of the Sentient Rights Agreement are pushing for its inclusion in the UN character in full, not the neutered version proposed by the Charter Commission. It is noted that if everyone that has signed the agreement votes for it they can easily carry the amendment and the Charter. Non-signers are pitching a fit that they are being back doored into the agreement like it or not. Singapore has threatened to leave the body if the SRA is established.
Update: Ambassador Truilan of the Ane Confederation has stated that "Inclusion of the language of the SRA in the UN Charter would be good, and would be a large step in the Ane Confederation accepting membership in that body, but would not replace signing the SRA directly, and upholding same, for any Nation that wishes our presence. We have seen how well the UN abides by its lofty language".
<BR> 
==8-6-19==
Mother Jones -- San Francisco, Ca -- Wells Fargo Arrests -- Justice Department officials have made arrests in the developing Wells Fargo Bank mortgage case. Justice officials have alleged predatory lending practices including issuing liens on houses they did not have the note for. 42 senior and middle managers of the Bank have been taken into custody and gigs of data seized from the bank records.
This matter has been in and out of the news for years. Finally the Justice department has seen fit to move. We consider it past time that Justice was done.
----
San Francisco Chronicle -- Alameda, Ca -- Naval Air station Bought -- It has been announced that an unknown party has bought the runways of the old Naval Air station that has been long closed. An area encompassing the entire west end of Alameda island.
The location was one frequently used by the late Mythbusters TV show and highly familiar to anyone that was a fan of the show. Attorneys for the buyer when asked about the plans for the area stated only "Housing, lots and lots of housing."
----
ABC7 News -- Santa Rosa, Ca -- Glue the State Together? -- A Mr Frank Franks was apprehended drilling a hole along the Rogers Fault in Santa Rosa on city land. He had to hand a drilling rig, of a type commonly used to drill wells, and a large tanker truck he claimed was full of Cyanoacrylate glue, AKA "Super glue" that he intended to "Glue the Rogers Fault shut for good." 
Mr Franks and his Glue were taken into police custody after a brief scuffle in which Franks was stunned by the SFPD. Mr Franks is being held for psychiatric examination. His truck of glue? The Police don't quite know what to do with it. Right now they are stuck with the thing.
A brief investigation proves that Mr. Franks is the recent winner of the 5 million California Lottery who drooped out of sight shortly after the win was announced. His family stated that the event slightly unhinged the man. 
----
NewsEye -- San Francisco, Ca -- New Voting System -- The City approved a lease agreement between the Department of Elections and Dominion Voting Systems for the use of Dominion’s voting system to conduct elections in San Francisco. This means that San Francisco voters will begin using the new voting system in the November 5, 2019, Consolidated Municipal Election.
The new voting system, Democracy Suite, has several advantages over the previous system. The new system features a more intuitive method for marking the ballots, allows voters to rank a greater number of candidates in contests that use ranked-choice voting, and provides simpler ballot navigation for voters with disabilities. The new voting system also enhances election transparency and security by using ballot scanning equipment to create annotated images of voted ballots for public viewing and verifying election results.
The Electronic Frontier Foundation has openly questioned the veracity and reliability of the closed system, and sued to open Dominion's code to public examination. Questions of who is qualified to do so has several AI computers standing by ready to do the task. The EFF has called for the election to be monitored by the SRA Commission for transparency and veracity. Dominion Voting Systems has objected that this is hardly necessary. The judge has yet to weigh in.
----
FNN -- Stanford, Ca -- Golden Conundrum -- Professor Emeritus Dr James Smythe of Stanford University was asks by the possessors of a certain set of golden plates, to wit the ELDS Church of Salt Lake City. As requested he has made public the result of his examination.
Reported by Dr Smythe: The text of the plates aside I can assert the following facts.
*The plates while golden in color are not made of gold, but rather a substance refereed to as nethermetal. This substance is called the bones of the inner planes including the afterlife. 
*There is a palatable aura of Holy power about the plates. They are Good in nature.
*The language is decipherable. It is a known planer tongue called "Celestial". It is commonly used by beings of light, such as angels.
We will not answer to the content of the plates. That is for others to determine. What we can conclude is they are Holy, written in a Holy language, upon Holy materials.
The CLDS refused comment at this time and the Representative of the FLDS looked to be having a fit.
<BR> 
==8-9-19==
MessyNBC -- Lake Bluff, Il -- Dropping Drug Prices -- Abbviee Pharmaceuticals has announced that they are dropping the 8 week course of the drug Maywork for Hepatitis C to $1900, down form the $20,000 it used to cost. Maywork is the only FDA approved 8 week cure course for Hepatitis C with a success rate of 95%. It only has possible horrible side effects, that should not affect the majority of people, we hope. 
An Abbviee spokesperson stated: "If we don't undercut the magical woo 'cures' that the American Health Service has become so fond off we are going the way of the Dodo. This is wrecking havoc on our bottom line, but it is all we can do."
Timothy Blackmane the CEO of Blackmane Pharmaceuticals the chief maker of the competing Cure Disease Potion was asked for comment. "Which ever drug works. We are already priced as low as I can make it without loosing money. The Cure Disease potion is the most magic I can produce with the Arcane Engines. However it works first time, every time with no side effects."
Abbviee Pharmaceutical has refused to release the manufacturing costs of their drugs.
----
BBC -- Sydney, Australia -- Two Birds in Hand -- In a rather strange happening workers opening the Sydney Square Breast Clinic on Wednesday morning found a pair of kookaburras sitting on the front counter. The birds allowed themselves to be captured. In further opening the clinic they found the alarm disabled and the back door forced open. The magical cancer screen was out of its container and on the floor. City Police were called at once.
Once the police were called the two birds became highly agitated and clearly wanted to go with the police. "Criky," stated Office Sam Holmes "they was positively buggered about it. Me mate bought his self a clue and gave one bird a pen. Blimy but the beast confessed to breaking in!"
Both birds were remanded to the Police and it is reported that once inside the station they turned into men who had misplaced their clothing. The two. Bill Bladd and Reggie McDonald freely confessed to breaking into the Sydney Square Breast Clinic to steal the cancer screen. Both were issued prison jumpers and a nice cell instead of a bird cage.
----
Faux News -- Mobile, Al -- Recent Raids -- FBI agents recently raided the facility run by Drs Gary Franks and Arthur Stine. Police reported freeing several illegally incarcerated persons that the two "doctors" were allegedly performing experiments on. The three minors where taken to a local hospital for evaluation and treatment if necessary. Their names are being withheld until relatives can be located and contacted. 
Drs Franks and Stine positively raved at the Special Agents that they could not possibly understand the important work their were destroying. "Why the fate of humanity was held in the balance!" raved Dr Stine.
DSH Agent Dr Terry Jones, AKA Stone Mountain and noted biochemist stated: "It's too early to make definitive statements. I hope the kids are not too damaged by all this. Mad, the both of them, totally mad."
Lawyers for the two doctors did not wish to make statements at this time.
----
Chanel 8 Local -- St Paul, Mn -- The Centaur of Attention -- State Senator Glenda Corry (TR) 10th district. entered the press conference a little changed. She announced the obvious, that she had become a Centaur. "I woke up like this this morning, the bed was wrecked and I had to call the Fire Department to get out of my apartment. I suppose I should be glad I do not have a steady relationship, this would be extremely awkward. 
Ms Corry stated that she had a shape and life assurance policy and would be filing a claim. Her lack of dress was commented on, She stated: "I know, but it feels natural and nothing in my closet has a chance. It's weird, this should bother me, but doesn't. Get use to boobs. Yes, I' will continue to represent my district in the State House, this does not change that. 
Sen at Majority leader Paul Gazelka (TR) 8th District was for once in his life at a loss for words. "Who the hell ordered that!" He quickly followed with; "Of course we well do all that is possible to support our fellow Senator in her time of need."
<BR> 
==8-12-19==
FNN -- New York, NY -- A Polar Circumnavigation -- Martin Paul McPhly is in the news again. He has announced that he plans to circumnavigate the globe in a polar route in his converted Winnebago "Eagle 2". "I will start from New York on the 74 west longitude, south across Antarctica, back up the 106 east longitude and back to New York. While the feat has been done before I'm out to make a point. The entire trip will be live on my website during the whole trip, camera on the front dash. Navigator is programmed for 1000 feet above the ground, how ever high the ground might be. I'm only waiting on one thing. Some prominent Flat Earther to bring their own camera and set it beside mine, and take the trip with me. Subsonic, the whole way, in sight of the ground. I double dog dare any of you to fly across the south pole and up the other side. I'll be here 20 days. A lack of passenger will be seen as an admission of failure." Stated Mr McPhly. "So all you smugly certain creatans, put up or shut up. In 22 days the final nail will be in the coffin. Excuses not accepted."
Jame Randi called with comment. "They will not, and it will not shut them up. Kudos for trying however. And while I am at it. Thank you to whomever put the tutti-fruity spots on the anti-vax frauds. Can you do something about the faith healers?
----
BBC -- Leeds England -- Power Station Conversion -- Today the Drax Power Station, the single largest in England fired up the new Fusion reactor boilers and shut down the large biomass and coal boilers that have run for so long. The Liberal Government is making good it's promise to bringing the United Kingdom into the 21st century of power. 
With the collapse of British Petroleum we are finally weaning the United Kingdom off the teat of fossil fuels. A position that we have been held to long after other developed nations have fled coal and oil. 
----
Vista City Guardian - Vista City, Ca -- The Reverend Paul Sanders to Speak -- Rev Paul Sanders is holding a three day revival and healing this weekend in the Civil Auditorium in Vista City. Tickets are available from his website. While there is no charge, the tickets are required to keep the Fire Marshal happy. 
The Rev Sanders has recently been in the news for being under investigation by the FBI and the IRS. The Sanders Foundation refutes any such accusations.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Newport News, Vi -- Launch of the New Navy Sub -- The Navy is proud to announced the launching of the new USS Iowa. An Iowa class "general" submarine. "The new class is a total departure from what has been done before" Stated Navy Spokesman Commander Robert Ruban. "At 40,000 tons it is as large as a WWII battleship. It carries a crew of 500. It is designed around defense of the US coast and keeping shipping lanes open. The chief target is surface combatants." Cmd Ruban stated that other aspects of the sub are secret. "The new Wet Navy will be a hidden Navy." said Cmd Ruban.
----
Faux News -- Charleston, SC -- Solid Ghosts -- The Charleston Old City Jail is well know for the tales of haunting, but one recent visitor had something a little more solid land in his lap. Mr Danial Flanders states thus: "I had fallen behind the rest of the tour in an open cell to examine the fixtures. Old architecture is a hobby, when I turned back to the wall from looking at the bars there was a naked woman, covered in sweat chained to the wall. I was shocked, and reached toward her. To my utter shock I touched flesh, not wall. The woman said she was Amanda Ravenel and she was unjustly imprisoned and tortured. I was stunned, and quickly looked around to see if anyone else was there. When I looked back the wall was as blank as before. She was gone." When we contacted Mr Flanders later he said that the hand he had touch the woman with had been cold and painful for three days.
Spokespersons for the Old City Jail stated only that hauntings are frequent, and they have been getting more real. Records of the jail in the 18th century are spotty, it is possible than an Amanda Ravenel had been there.
<BR> 
==8-17-19==
FNN -- Los Angeles, Ca -- New Social Study -- The New Society Project has released its latest paper; Human Society: The Fundemental Workings. This 1600 page volume is available from Freedom Press or other outlets on order.
Human Society; The Fundamental Workings is a heavy scholarly work not truly intended for the general public. In various examples the authors take society apart and demonstrate how Human society works at the core. It also shows how it fails to work when certain principles are ignored or shoved aside for various reasons, mainly for the gain of personal power and wealth. A full dozen examples are given six each of society working, and six of it not. Each example is taken apart using the principles of the social inch and put back together for a greater understanding.
----
NewsEye -- Los Angeles, Ca -- A Strict Warning -- Evan Blackmane, recently in the news for buying Scientoffery and bringing L. Ron Blubberd back for the dead in exchange has made a public statement. "In light of the recent phenomenon of person abrogating the will of others by magic causing them to become mice, and the tutti-fruity spots on the fraudulent ant-vax crowd, there shall be another warning unto you. Those persons that fraudulently call on the name of any god and pretend to heal for profit, shall be weasels after the manner of the mice. The same mechanism is being placed, a semi sentient primal purpose, but no lure will be offered. Commit fraud, get weaseled.
We do offer the self afflicted a way out. Don't want weaseled? Quit now. If you are a weasel you must divest yourself of all property giving it to the genuinely poor, not your pet "foundation" and then humbly beg forgiveness from the god you have blasphemed against. The return of you Humanity will be proof your prayer has been answered."
"So shall it be!"
We are making popcorn and watching developments. Us? We are taking this totally seriously.
----
TruthMax -- Austin, Tx -- Election Fraud Exposed! -- Beloved Statesman Ted Crude has announced that he will personally investigate the massive voter fraud that put that vile socialist Luthor into office in 2016. "There is no way such an unknown can develop that much traction over the course of a single campaign." stated Senator Crude. "I strongly suspect the Ane super computers that lord advantage over us from orbit are the principle actors. Luthor is doing the will of the Ane, anyone can see that. We need a Conservative AI to guard our elections and see that proper 'Muricans get elected."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Austin, Tx -- Infowarz Busted -- Officers of the FDA and the IRS have raided the Infowarz location near Austin. Alex Bones and most of his staff has been arrested for selling fraudulent products on his website that are advertised between his rants. Witnesses report that crates and crates of material were seized. A good sized semi was filled with evidence. 
Spokespersons for Infowarz admitted to no wrongdoing and they fully expect Bones to be exonerated.
<BR> 
==8-25-19==
FNN -- Vista City, CA -- Riot at Revival -- Rev Paul Sanders had the revival meeting at Civil Auditorium well in hand the singing was good the message on track and the healing was to begin. As he touched the first supplicate the Rev Paul Sanders turned into an anthropomorphic weasel. A moment of stillness, frozen in time was followed by a mass roar from the audience and the stage was charged by thousands of angry people. 
Police working security were forced to lay down mass stun beams. By the time the melee was cleared out 16 people had been hospitalized, 42 arrested. The damage to the Civil Auditorium has not been tallied. Sanders and party are in protective custody. The Rev Paul Sanders (Weasel) himself was injured in a non-life threatening manner. He may need the fur to hide the scars.
District Attorney Bjorn Ericson has not ruled out fraud changes against Sanders as the offering was collected before the "healing" was to start. There is also the matter of damages to the facilities. 
The Save the World Foundation that runs the Rev Paul Sanders Revival Tour announced that the rest of the tour has been canceled.
Comment -- They were warned - E. Blackmane
----
Faux News -- Topeka, Ka -- Flat is Flat! -- Prominent Flat Earth supporter Randy Numinski has said that no one should take Martin Paul McPhly up on his offer: "McPhly is part of the World Global Conspiracy, and what ever route he claims to fly it will not be "around" any non-existent globe. We are not so easily tricked" said Numinski.
Martin Paul McPhly was asked for comment he only said: "Chicken."
----
BBC -- Cardriff, Wales -- Investiture of the Prince of Wales -- With Prince Charles Duke of Cornwall and Rothesay stepping down as the Prince of Wales his son Prince William Duke of Cambridge underwent the formal investiture at Caernarfon Castle as had his Father and His Grandmother. Queen Elizabeth was looking spry and well pleased during the ceremony. She broke with formal protocol at the end and embraced Prince William. Prince William for his part aided his elderly Royal grandmother back to her seat.
Prince William Prince of Wales has been doing many of the crown duties as he father is getting older and his Grandmother Queen Elizabeth is in her nineties. 
----
TruthMax -- New York, NY -- More Quack Cures -- Next Pharmaceutical, a company known for squeezing every cent it can from hard working 'Muricans has announced it is joining other Big Pharma companies in selling woo-woo "magical cures" the American Health Service is so fond of 'cause they are cheap, not because they work.
Muricans want private industry heath care that makes everyone but them rich, not this everyone gets treated equally bad system that we will not say works.
----
NewsEye-- St Paul, Mn -- Party Flip -- State Senator Glenda Corry (formerly TR) 10th district. and a Centaur, has announced after a poll of her constituents and a review of the "support" offered by Team Red, to wit a window seat on further issues she is flipping parties to Team Blue. This move destroys the Team Red one member plurality, and hands it to Team Blue when combined with the recent shift of Martin Anderson to Team Scarlet. 
The rising Team Scarlet has refused to side unequivocally with Red as they asked for to maintain the majority in this new fractured multiple party reality. Currently the numbers stand at 25 Team Blue, 24 Team Red and 15 for Team Scarlet, and 3 Team Purple. This leaves Team Blue with a clear plurality, unless either Scarlet or Purple will side with Team Red. Something that have stated they will not do.
----
World Weakly News -- Miami, Fl -- Goodbye to Our Editor -- Long time Editor Gerry Calvin has announced he is leaving at the end of September 2019. He sited work related stress as his main reason. Stated Gerry: "Batboy left, Elvis and Jackson are alive...again, aliens and outsiders are everywhere. I can't do it anymore, I can't keep up. It is like the whole paper has become the daily reality, We might as well do sports, financial, and the weather."
We will miss him.
----
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- New Book on the Way -- Noted senior sociologist Dr. Agnes Wessel has announced she is working on a rebuttal of the recent New Society Project publication Human Society: The Fundamental Workings. Dr. Wessel stated "I shall clearly and completely lay forth the deep flaws that permeate the entire work. Everyone will understand the mistakes they are making and the harm they are doing."
Kerilan of the New Society Project was sought for comment. "We'll see if she can find a publisher. Her last two books languished on the shelves. She is not the hot commodity she once was."
<BR> 
==9-24-19==
Popular Science -- Alameda, Ca -- The Archologies are HERE! -- The Archology the massive beyond words self contained mega cities long a staple of Science Fiction are about to become reality in Alameda, California. Plans have been filed, approval gotten and permits issued for the first such solo structure that promises to house one and an half million people in airy comfort at prices that real world wages can manage. 
The Alameda Archology will be grid independent having it's own electrical, water, and sewage. Allion Group the financing arm has even demonstrated technology to keep the massive 200 story structure from casting a shadow on the surrounding bay area. The light tubes will pass sunlight through the structure like it was not there. 
The massive foundation are being dug as we speak with the marina to go under the base as well. Turbolifts and transporters will dot the massive structure to ease transportation to, from, and within the block. Several BART stations are in the works as well including a new line to the BART system. 
GNOME has started that they will act against this massive violation of Mother Earth. Allion Group only added "Not if they are smart." The curious were pointed to the incident in Monroe, Ohio and the attempted bombing of The House of Crafters.
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Atlantis Clear for Duty -- With her shakedown trials complete the Starship Atlantis has been cleared for deployment in the Corps of Discovery Fleet. Captain Spaulding Ashby has stated that their first mission is to take a UN delegation to the Vcicarrian Empire, some 40 light years away. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- UN Vote on the New Charter -- Pandemonium erupted with the vote on the new UN charter that enshrines the Sentient rights of the Sentient Rights Agreement as UN principles. The vote carried almost exactly down SRA signer lines, taking the necessary two thirds vote of the general assembly with room to spare. Iran and Myanmar stormed out of the chamber. The new charter takes effect October 1st.
Among the Changes:
*The language of the Sentient Rights agreement is agreed on as the principles of Sentient rights.
*The UN has Authority to speak for Earth as a whole in diplomacy with Alien Worlds.
*Members that engage in armed conflict with other members will be automatically considered in bad standing and will lose all voting rights until the conflict is resolved.
*Tariffs are considered a form of armed conflict. Censorship of the dataweb is considered armed conflict.
*All zones, for communication or entertainment are dissolved. The Earth is united. All calls are local calls.
*The abolishing of visas the world over. All members must allow freedom of movement between all members.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Badger, Badger -- Badgers were involved in an incident outside Vista City High School of Tuesday afternoon. A number of the creatures, and exact count was not gotten, ran onto the athletic filed and disrupted Cheer leading practice biting three girls. The girls' names are being withheld as they are minors. The young women were treated for the animal bites and released at a local urgent care center.
<BR> 
==10-17-19==
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- White House Arrest -- The Secret Service reports that a person has been arrested for magically breaking into the White House. The delirious individual, who was strangely orange, claimed to be the President of the United States, while shouting "You're Fired!" to everyone around him. 
The delirious person was taken to Walter Reed Hospital for psychiatric evaluation. No one was harmed during the incident.
----
Rolling Stone -- LA, CA -- She is Back! -- Ex porn star Chasity Knots has announced that she is back from an extensive magical tune up and she is ready to rock. "All the new magical toys to make sex safe and fun" stated Ms Knots. "I'm headed to Greyhawke with a crew and I plan to have sex with and film as many different kinds of men as possible."
Anthony Allion the keeper of the gate and frequently seen on the Nat Geo Greyhawke Expedition was asked for comment. "Well, I hope she has fun." was all he would add. He also stated that she would not be refused entry even with her stated purpose being to engage in multiple acts of random sex. "I'm not her Daddy. Obey local law, be aware of local custom, never force the issue." Stated Mr Allion. 
----
Faux News -- Mobile, Al -- Again? -- Rev Randy Dick late of the First Faith (and don't you forget it) Church of Mobile has stated that he came to an Epiphany of Ghodd while serving his 2 to 5 for sexual assault in the Alabama State pen. "Jehovah came to me in that place of suffering and chastised my soul." Stated Rev Dick. "I stand ready to do his will as it has been revealed to me."
It was noted that Rev Dick had a strange light in his eyes. 
----
Orlando One -- Orlando, Fl -- Assault Thwarted -- Three unnamed persons charged the turnstiles at Epcot Center brandishing weapons on Tuesday. Park security quickly stunned and arrested the persons. They were taken to the Orlando city jail for processing. Orlando One does not yet know the who, or why they thought Dizney World was a soft target. The accused or the lawyers have yet to make a statement.
-----
LA Eyewitless News -- LA, CA -- Robbery Interruptis -- Stone Mountain stopped a robbery at the H K Market in Central Los Angeles. The robber had just banished his weapon to the cashier and demanded money when he was bodily lifted, turned to face the DSH Hero and asked. "Bud, do you really want to do that?" 
The disarmed miscreant was turned over to the police for booking and a fresh pair of pants. Stone Mountain Stated. "Hey, I was shopping. I have to eat too. I was just lucky to be there."
<BR> 
==10-22-19==
Al Jazup -- Cairo, Egypt -- We do Wonder -- Imam Mohammad Bin Taban, has recently issued a fatwa stating "Those cursed by Jinn to be the mice should be treated as victims of foul sorcery. Do not castigate the one so cursed."
Hmm, he has not been seen in a while. Is he priming the pump for a reveal?
The United States has consistently posted PSAs stating that the mousings are the result of falling to the temptation to use magic to abrogate the will of others. This has remained consistent no matter who has been moused. 
----
Faux News -- Nashville, Tn -- The Weasel Revealed -- Rev Bobby Barns was turned into a weasel at last night's old time revival meeting at the Uptown Fire of the Spirit Church as he attempted to lay on the hands to heal a supplicant. With a high pitched scream like a tea kettle he fled the sanctuary before anyone could move. 
Rev Barns has not been seen since last night. His car was missing from the parking lot. Authorities and family fear for his safety. The car is a 2020 Cadillac Asscolade AG in dark blue. Plate LUV-JC. Please contact authorities if you see the car or a weasel in an over sized white coat.
UPDATE: Bobby Barn's 2020 Cadillac Asscolade AG was located on the 23rd hovering over Percy Priest Lake, North of Bear Island. A search of the lake found his body tangled in the weeds of Bear Island, drowned. Still a weasel, but his ID was still on him. The tragic end was not unexpected. Family members have reported than Bobby Barns was of a sensitive nature, the public persona not withstanding.
Police have speculated that he tried to drive the car into the lake, but the automatic safety systems refused to allow the car to submerge, even turned off.
The Family has indicated that given the circumstances of self inflicted death resurrection will not be sought.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- There Have Been Changes -- After being absent from the House for a week and not having gone back to Texas the Capitol Police were called on to make a welfare check on Representative Pete Olton (TR Texas).
He was found in his apartment looking a little green. A tusked humanoid that Greyhawke sources call an "Orc". Rep Olton was not happy with the intrusion of the Police, but as all he threw were epithets they left him in peace.
Minority Whip Steve Scarlise (TR Louisiana) stated that Olton would receive a strongly worded rebuke from the party that being an Orc is no excuse to miss vital duties in the House.
Orcs are noted as a humanoid race, native to Greyhawke, with an extremely narrow view of what is people, and a pejoratively Darwinian viewpoint on social matters. It remains to be seen if this alteration will alter his reactionary politics.
Oh yes, make Popcorn.
UPDATE: Anthony Allion has announced that the local Greyhawken deities and himself had expended power to see that no further persons are turned into Orcs from Greyhawke, a species hardwired to be raciest assholes of the worse kind. Stated His Holiness Anthony: "If you see any further Orks, they will be Orks, with a 'k', that matters. Orks are a local galactic species that while known for violence and barbaric behavior are not known for eating their neighbors."
----
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Well it Isn't Catty -- Hollyweird celerity divorce lawyer Delores Entmannen showed up for a deposition looking a little, furry. Her normally sharp suit did not fit right, and what can only be described as a heyna head stuck out of it. Ms Entmannen snarled most menacingly at anyone that looked at her too long, in her lights.
Ms Entmannen refused any comment and snarled at your reporter as well. 
Meanwhile the divorce between Dirk Riprock and his estranged wife Ulula Sylph looks to be going forward in a total trainwreck of he said she said. It will not be boring. 
<BR> 
==10-30-19==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Election Probe Finished -- In the wake of the probe into alleged election irregularity claimed by Senator Ted Crude the Department of Justice has issued its report. "The alleged fraud was not found" stated DoJ spokesman Charlie Felders. "However we did uncover 13 cases of voter suppression by Team Red candidates worth sending to the Grand Jury. One can expect charges soon."
Yea, Popcorn for everyone.
----
TruthMax TV -- New York, NY -- The Happiness Club -- TruthMax TV is pleased to announce The Happiness Club With Jack & Jill. Our new show in the after school slot of 4-5:30 pm will give your young teen a wholesome alternative to forces that would lead them astray so prevalent in The World today. Entertainment, youth oriented news, and issues are presented by Jack & Jill Gilford, the Happiest Couple in America. It's on TruthMax, so you know it is safe.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Vista City, CA -- Mysterious Tunnels -- Workmen restoring the 19th Century mansion known as the Flounder House in Vista City, California have uncovered a number of passages in the lower floor hidden inside closets that lead deeper into the ground. All three closets connect within the walls giving the knowledgeable a means of getting from two rooms on the first floor to the second floor master suite, on the second floor a narrow stair leads to a third floor bedroom used by maids. There is an additional stair that leads into the earth. There are questions as to the soundness of the lower stair.
The old Manse is not known for extensive cellar spaces. The Founder Foundation is considering its options at his point.
----
BBC -- Meiringen, Switzerland -- Walking Dead! -- A figure was seen climbing out of the gorge of the Reichenbach Falls. Rescue teams were called and the climber aided. However, when it reached the top a horror was revealed, a man missing half his flesh, the rest water logged and bloated. It hissed at the assembled, many already fleeing. The revanent was last seen fleeing into the woods. Authorities are urging people to not allow anyone into their homes unless they can clearly be seen.
<BR> 
==11-08-19==
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Magic Classes Starting -- Candith Willowwood will hold a general evaluation and explanation of Earth Magic to those interested at the Shasta Hilton on November 20 at 8:00 pm. There are 200 seats available. Call for reservations 555-555-5555.
----
Los Angeles Times -- LA, Ca -- Mike Meijers Beside Himself -- Actor Mike Meijers known for the Austin Powers series of films and others where he has played multiple roles has checked into the Gateways Hospital and Mental Health Center. A Spokesperson for Mr. Meijers stated: "Mr Meijers reports that the characters he has played, principally Dr Evil and the other 'evil' ones are haunting his dreams, even intruding into his waking moments. He is seeking relief."
----
Christianity Today -- Carol Stream, Illinois -- New Book from Rev Paulle -- The Rev. James Paulle is pleased to announce his new book: "How the Enlightenment is the Tool of the Devil!" Wherein the Rev Paulle will lay bare the lies of the so called enlightenment movement and reveal the source of their so called miracles is the great Enemy himself, LUCIFER!! That the souls those so touched are doomed forever to the lake of fire! $29.95 from RITEWAY Christian Press, available now.
----
Dallas Observer -- Dallas, Tx -- Murdered Rodent -- An anthropomorphic Mouse was found along side US 67 south of Dallas. The Mouse, a male had been shot and was holding a firearm. The Mouse was naked and had no ID. The Dallas Coroner has stated that the fatal wound could not have been self inflicted. They are seeking a suspect at this time.
If the public has seen anything that might be related to this case please contact the Dallas Police Department.
UPDATE: The Dallas Coroner has stated that a tattoo was located on the right shoulder of the Mouse, covered by its fur. If you know who had this tattoo (picture of tattoo) please contact the police as above.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Web -- Cleansing Cures -- Recent studies have shown that cleansing cures may have the way for you to reach your greater health goals. Do not allow yourself to be dissuaded by Big Pharma, that is being replaced by magic anyway, to avoid what would be good for you. Holistic Nusense has cures for digestive, cardio-vascular, mental, and sexual health. See our website at www.nusense.com
----
ABC -- New York, NY -- No, You Can't Escape -- Ted Crude has announced that he is 
definitely running for President in 2020 at the New York Redders Club. Any Justice Department types sniffing into his campaign practices are simply Team Blue witch hunting. He knows because he would do the same thing if in power. "We will take back 'Murica for the cause of Team Red!" Stated Senator Crude.
<BR> 
==11-14-19==
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- Concern for Our Nation -- Dr. William M. Whistlein The President of Oral Robbers University a leading Christian center of learning. Dr Whistlein speaking on the occasion of the resumption of Christmas music till you want to puke stated that Our Nation is in grave danger with the rise of false gods and paganism. "The Great Enemy is strong in this generation with magic and alien creatures roaming the land. The United States was founded as a Christian Nation and like Israel of old Ghodd would punish her for drifting way from the Faith." 
"Good Christians wherever they may be must strongly oppose the pagan and the heathen that seek to turn our Great Nation from Ghodd! Extreme times call for extreme measures."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta Ga -- A Shocking Attack -- Three Ane, trainers at the local Rapid Education center in Peach Tree Center where dining at the Peach Tree cafe when they were attacked by a white Human male with a knife. After a brief scuffle that saw two tables overturned the man, later identified as Cory Miller was laid out bleeding from the head. One of the Ane, Kislan was lightly wounded with the knife. The other Two Odaban and Frarban were uninjured.
Police and EMTs were summoned. Cory Miller was declared dead at the scene, of head trauma. Witnesses say he took two hind hooves to the head. Kislan was treated and released. No arrests were made. 
Witnesses stated that Miller said nothing during the attack. He approached the Ane drew his knife and started slashing at them. It was their reaction that overturned tables. Mr Miller died without comment. 
The Rapid Education Center issued a statement of apology for the mess. The paid everyone's bill that witnessed the incident, and got a gift card for the patrons whose meal was ruined. Stated Spokeane Denban: "We have been seeing an increase in such incidents. We want nothing but peace and education for those that desire it. We will not be deterred."
Police Spokesperson Rachael Garret stated: "This is the third Ane/Human violent encounter this year and the first death. Every violent encounter has been initiated by the Human. Ane have an equal right to self defense, and a hoof to the head does not have a stun setting."
----
New York Times -- Queens, New York -- Crispy Critters -- The North Queens Association power station was briefly shut down when the Police and Coroner had to remove two bodies dead of legendary stupidity. Stated Engineer Terence Davidstien: "Somehow, they got the heat exchanger open, when the plant was running. It takes a dedicated tool, removing three seals and two safety lockouts to do this, and the plant would have been screaming at them the whole time. But they got it open. Yea the reactor had scramed, but that kind of heat does not dissipate at once. Both were flash fired beyond recognition." He shook his head "I don't know what they expected to find or gain. It is not the like the heat exchanger is made of iridium or anything."
Clients of the power plant were without power for the twenty minutes it took to get the backup reactor running. Repairs were complete on the main system within the day. 
GNOME released a barely related statement calling the two unknown vandals "Heroes of Mother Earth." For what we have no idea.
----
NewsEye -- Miami Dale, Fl -- Luckyman -- Or is that Mouse? Mouse Freddy Kennedy was taken into protective custody after he announced he was going to revert himself back to Human by the application of 10,000 volts through his body, and about 60 amps as well. 
Kennedy late of the City Council, he was removed after a successful recall on the event of his mousing, has been noted for his less than stellar mental performance before and certainly after his decent into Rodentia. Police interrupted his attempted public auto electrocution, and he was committed to the Miami Dale Metal Health Center.
<BR> 
==11-19-19==
Truthmax -- Lynchburg, va -- Sunday is Running! -- Glory hallelujah! Blessed Reverned Billy Sunday announced his candidacy for the 2020 presidential election before a full house at Liberty University Monday night. The Reverend Billy Sunday made is formal announcement to a crowd enthusiastic to the full extent required by the Student Code. "Team Red must retake the country for Ghodd" said Rev Sunday. "Team Blue has allowed Ghoddless magic to run rampant, shaking loose evil spirits, and free thinkers. We must stop that and bring the country back to Ghodd!"
----
Philadelphia Daily News -- Philadelphia, Pa -- Noble Oath Passes -- In shocking news for the City Fathers (and Mothers) the citizen initiative Proposition 2 - Oath of Noble Obligation has passed muster. the Law will go into effect on January 1, 2020 and all standing or future officials must take the oath to remain in office. Effected are any officials, appointed or elected that are in city administration, law enforcement or justice. 
The anti forces had mustered five million dollars in print and TV ads that pretty much made the case for the pro side. Currently they are in shock, and taking this to court has failed in every state it has been done.
With the passage of Prop 1 - Equal Representation Act - The old school pols are looking for time with their families.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Vulcan Embassy Moving -- The Vulcan embassy has announced it is moving its operations from Geneva to New York with the passing of the new UN charter giving the UN the responsibility for handling all off world diplomacy. "We see the emphasis of the new UN charter on Sentient rights and non aggression as positive movement in Earth development." Stated Vulcan Ambassador T'pow. "While I cannot argue that Geneva is a city of agreeable beauty, things are 'happening' in New York." A faint hint of an almost smile graced her features.
It is noted that Vulcan has enjoyed a single planet government for at least 2000 years.
----
San Francisco Chronicle -- Alameda, Ca -- Well, They Were Warned -- Three persons turned themselves in for attempted vandalism of the Alameda Archology construction site. All three had called the police from a vacant lot stated they had "dynamite up their ass". This was found to be the case and the bomb squad was left with an unappealing situation. "We usually detonate such threats in a safe manner" stared Police spokesperson David Fenswald. "But the threats were allegedly sentient persons with rights."
In the end the robot got to do it. The dynamite was extracted and all three, Mona Greenly, Stan, Libra, and Bobby Gint. are currently gladly in Police Custody. The are facing changes of conspiracy to plant a bomb, and illegal possession of explosives.
Lawyers for the accused have stated they will seek the invisible assailants that mined them with their own dynamite.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Magical Consumer Protection -- For magic, not with it. The White House has stated that consumer fraud, be it quack paramedicals or fake magic potions are a matter of concern for the Consumer Protection Agency. The White House has called on Congress to increase the enforcement budget of the Consumer Protection Agency. "New taxes are not required." Stated President Luthor. "Take money from the frauds, and give it the CPA."
Of course Popcorn.
----
Detroit Free Press -- Detroit, Mi -- Property Lottery -- The Office of the Mayor has announced a December 1st property lottery on 5000 empty lots on both the east and west sides of Detroit. Lots will go for one dollar each. Winners are required to start building their primary home on the location by December 1, 2020.
With Detroit moving up as the financial capital of the Midwest housing downtown is tight. We need to revitalize the city in every way. Stated the office of Mayor Danny Dugan. 
<BR> 
==11-28-19==
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Wild Ride -- Fred Tupenger 68 of Santa Clara reported to police his wild ride. His 2019 Ford Crown Victoria was forced off the Pacific Highway at Big Sur. He said that the car avoided the guardrail, went down the 50 foot cliff, skated across the rocks and ended up over the ocean. "I had to drive twenty miles over the ocean to Monterrey to find a boat ramp, and fresh pants." Stated Mr Tuperger.
Police are seeking the Red 2005 Dodge Ram wheeled pickup based on the footage from Mr Tupenger's car cameras. They got a good shot of the license plate from the rear camera. the incident looks to be a deliberate attempt at endangerment.
----
Truthmax -- Fountain Hills, Az -- They Hate Jebus! -- The backlash against Starbucks for waging a war on Christmas continues. Former pastor Joshua Fuhrerstein tweeting that Starbucks removed Christmas from its cups because “they hate Jebus" has reached fever pitch. Rev Fuhrerstein has called on all good Christian to boycott the anti Christian, pro gaylian retailer until they apologize. The slogan on the cups of "Merry Coffee" is blasphemous and should offend every right thinking Christian.
Blessed Reverend and shoe in presidential candidate Billy Sunday stated: "Once we have overcome the ungodly of Team Blue by the Power of the LORD we shall see Christmas celebrated as the Pilgrim Fathers intended. 
----
Huff & Puff Post -- New York, NY -- Tofu for Thanksgiving -- PETM Spokesperson Gilda Flufferbran urged people to choose an ethical thanksgiving and avoid the newly available carniculture whole turkeys for a proper ethically sourced, organic, gluten free, Tofuloof. "You can taste the justice in it" stated Mz Gilda Flufferbran. "And make sure your entire meal contains plenty of raw greens and a total lack of any animal product."
Ambassador Truilan of the Ane Confederation stated: "I wouldn't touch one of those disgusting Tofuloofs and I'm an herbivore. The only thing they taste like is the factory they were made in. And remember, gravy cannot be made without meat drippings. I might eat a bit of turkey to spite her."
----
BBC -- Beijing, China -- Points to be Thankful For -- Emperor Chow Yung in a rare personal press conference stated: "We have much to be thankful for. First, the Whole/Half world stabilization project is complete in the Chinese Empire. We are thankful to the Western Witches that stepped up and dealt with the problem. It would be our wish to make you all wealthy for life, but alas the budget merely allows for paying you well. Second: We wish to announce a normalization of relations with the Ane Confederation. And their return of the data from the Gōngzuò wěiyuánhuì. We have curated it and removed efforts that duplicate what the Warp Drive Project has done. This is part of our formally joining the Corps of Discovery. We add our wealth and minds to this effort to raise all beings."
<BR> 
==12-7-19==
Independent.co.uk -- Calais, France -- Mysterious Disappearance -- A man was seen walking into the sea at Calais, France on December 5th. Witnesses called the Maritime Gendarmerie who searched for the person that was clearly seen walking into the sea, heavily bundled up, for 6 hours. Nothing was found. Nor did the man emerge from the sea later. Life saving stations on both sides of the Channel have been alerted to look for a body.
The Maritime Gendarmerie is seeking anyone that might have information as to the identity of the unknown man.
----
FNN -- Minneapolis, Mn -- Mysterious Appearance -- A DC-4 landed at Minneapolis' Saint Paul International Airport on the sixth. The passengers and crew of the antique plane claimed to be Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 2501, which disappeared on the night of June 23, 1950. No wreckage has ever been located. 
The 55 persons aboard have been taken in by the FBI. All were greatly confused as to the changes in the airport and well, everything. The aircraft and its passengers, crew, and cargo are currently in protective custody while the facts are being sorted out.
----
Dallas Observer -- Dallas, Tx -- Mouse Identified -- The unknown Rodent found dead on the Eight of November has been identified by the tattoo Police located on it's shoulder. The mouse was identified as Jerry Walton of the famous Walton family, the founders of Walmart, now known as Allion's.
Dallas Police are currently questioning close associates and family of Jerry Walton, as well as Jerry Walton himself. Mr. Walton had a Life assurance policy and was raised by Rev. William Cornwall of the Vineyard Church of Dallas. "With a primary witness we should have this wrapped up shortly." Stated a Police spokesperson. Oh and he is still a mouse.
----
BBC -- Longyearbyen, Norway -- Unusual Sea Finds -- The RV Håkon Mosbycame into port with a most unusual find. Two men, frozen in ice dressed in early 19th century clothing. One in rough gear, the other in clothing more suited to the parlor. The bigger man in rough clothing was described as in a position of conflict with the more refined gentleman. Not a great deal of detail can made made out though the ice. the bodies are currently in the research center ice core freezer, and effort will be made to identify them.
<BR> 
==12-14-19==
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Early Retirement -- Noted Evangelist and healer Tommy Rockker announced that Ghodd has instructed him to to take a sabbatical from preaching and to make a deep study of the Bible in solitude. Following Ghodd's instructions is likely to take a few months to a year at the least. Ghodd will let him know when he is done.
Meanwhile the FBI has not let up their investigation of his Praise & Glory Foundation's fiscal dealings. As of yet the FBI will not discuss the on going investigation except to note there is an outstanding warrant for the arrest CFO Robert Felder, and they would like to know where he is. Praise & Glory Foundation spokespersons have denied any wrong doing and did not answer any questions.
We wonder if he is trying to avoid weaseling out of something?
----
TruthMax -- Chicago, Il -- Blue Arrests -- Team Blue crooked politician & Alderman Billy O'mara was arrested Thursday on changes of fraud and mishandling election funds. Ties to organized crime were strongly hinted at, like that ever happens in Chicago. Only when the rest of the crooked Team Blue city government is arrested will justice be done.
We didn't bother with statements form O'Mara's office as they would all be lies and he is guilty as sin.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- New York, NY -- Female/Female Child -- Margaret Jones has announced that her and her long time wife Cindy are pregnant with the first female child unfettered with the toxic presence or participation of the male. The girl has only genetic material from Margret and Cindy. Oh and Cindy is doing the carrying. "This girl is the first of a new breed of pure Women that will have no contact with toxic masculinity, but I repeat myself. She will be raised outside the patriarchal system, and understand her true place as a New Woman." Stated Margret Jones
The procedure was done at the Mother Goddess Fertility Clinic in Albany New York. Clinic spokeswomen of the clinic refused comment on any part of patient business.
----
FNN -- Atlanta, Ga -- Inter-species Violence -- David Gordon of Marietta, Georgia was arrested at the hospital for attempted murder of a Sergal child. Gordon allegedly grabbed the child by the tail and threw them to the ground with force. The mother of the child had to be pulled off the assailant by bystanders. Police declined to arrest the Mother one Lindy Corvin citing the defense of her child.
The child was seriously injured with life threatening internal injuries quickly dealt with by the local Blackmane priest. David Gordon was severely bitten and suffering from blood loss by the time the EMTs has arrived. The Priest refused to work on him and he is in Atlanta General in serious condition.
Police report that tensions are high in the Greater Atlanta area as this is the second inter-racial assault with intent to kill in the last thirty days. 
<BR> 
==12-23-19==
FNN -- Catania, Sicily -- Silent Night -- A vent that has blown with a loud whistle for two years is suddenly silent. The vent half way up the side of Mount Etna has blown varying in intensity from 84 to 194 decibels constantly for the last two years. The sudden silence has not been explained by Volcanologists. "The change could mean anything, for a decrease in the eruptive potential, an increase, a major shift in the magma chamber. We are investigating." stated local Volcanologist Tony Arrinda. "The public is warned to remain vigilant in the vicinity of any active volcano such as Etna. The Volcano will win."
----
Faux News -- Lynchburg, VA -- Forceful Arguments -- Bible researchers at Liberty University came to blows Saturday over heated arguments concerning the meaning of a certain ancient scrolls recently unearthed reputed to be 2600 year old Hebrew texts of Genesis. They are allegedly the oldest intact biblical text of any kind that have been found. They are older and in better preserved states than the famous Dead Sea Scrolls. they date from the period of the First Temple. 
University President Jerry Fallwell Jr. attempted to keep the altercation under raps, but the police were summoned and a public report was made. The scroll under dispute is currently in the hands of the Lynchberg police as evidence. President Fallwell has requested its return in the strongest of terms. "That is an important archaeological treasure and needs to be protected." Stated President Fallwell.
Professor Robert Williams DD, stated after being processed by police "They want to protect it out of existence. The scroll does not say what we expect Genesis to say, and the department director and President are determined to suppress that knowledge. My job is not important. I urge the public to make a freedom of information request for copies of the evidence in this case. If I have to go to jail for the truth I will."
----
BBC -- London, England -- A Disturbing Quiet -- New Scotland Yard has reported a lessening of crime in the area of the East End of London, while not reporting a like decrease in the rest of the city. "Such things tend to be city wide." Stated Inspector John Young. "Weather, holidays, even the stock market cause the usual crime to fluctuate. However we can find none of the usual causes in this case. Things are just getting, quiet."
An anonymous caller to the station stated: "It's somethin' queer Gov'ner. Somethin' queer has moved in and I'm moving out. I'm an honest crook by God and I'll have nothing to do with it."
----
TruthMax -- Atlanta, Ga -- A Dangerous Trend -- Georgia Power has announced its third straight quarter loss in the third quarter of 2019. With the state failing to approve the necessary rate increases and the rising use of unregulated micro power plants in the state the number of customers subscribed to Georgia Power is falling. Power Spokesperson Manny Grubber stated: "The Legislature refused to place the micro plants under the control of Georgia Power, which would have alleviated this situation. As it stands Georgia Power is failing and hundreds of thousands stand to be without power if that comes to pass. We must get power generation back into the hands of a benevolent monopoly and assure our investors the profit they deserve."
We expect hideous horrible bad news from one of those micro plants any day now. People are going to die. Two people have already been killed by a micro impulse generator in Queens, New York. More is only a matter of time.
<BR> 
==12-26-19==
FNN -- Los Angeles, Ca -- The Church of Creation -- Flaman of Havan, Trvani Ilatar Havaniel, a curiously slender woman with delicately pointed ears, announced in a local press conference that she has been requested by the gods to open a chapter of the Church of Creation in the Los Angeles area. Stated Flaman Havaniel: "We have been working on this for most of the year. The location is ready and we open our doors this week. The Church of Creation offers support for the mind, body, and soul. By the will of the Three, Ivan, Haven, and Gregori we offer the people of the Los Angeles basin and any that come support and healing. The Temple will offer a health spa, an urgent care clinic, and reproductive health services for woman and man, and pediatric primary care. We have a library to enrich the mind and soul as well. Myself and my fellow priests are available to explain the way of the Church of Creation to all that come. We have a website as well." 
The new church is located on Vineland Ave. south of the Hollyweird freeway.
Consternation is high among the local Christian congratulations. Father Gordon of the St Charles Borromeo Catholic Church, the nearest Christian church to the new pagan temple expressed concern: "I fear the good people will be led astray by the offerings of this pagan place." stated father Gordon. Good Christian Minster the Rev Deitrick Hardon, best known for his sexual excesses stated: "Ghodd will punish those that attend the immoral excesses offered by this pagan place." 
----
Truthmax News -- New York, NY -- Ane Join the New World Order -- The Ane Confederation was inducted into the United Nations, confirming their place in the New World Order. The recent change in the UN Charter bowing to the demands of the Ane in breaking down national sovereignty, bringing the United States one step closer to destruction. 
President Luthor, known tool of the NWO praised this development.
Ted Crude, candidate to save America stated "We need to control the Corps of Discovery, and lead the UN, not bow to it. Only the United States as a Christian nation can save the world."
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Curse News -- Health Advocate Jenny McNinny has stated that "I have sought relief for the hideous curse placed on those that do not bow to the conspiracy to destroy children with so called vaccines. No one will aid us. We must bear this curse as a mark of honor that we are doing the right thing!"
Comment: "Doubling down on the stupid McNinny? Time to pay you a direct visit. -- Julian Valion
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Hustler Hammered -- The Los Angeles headquarters of Hustler Magazine, best known for the First Amendment advocacy of founder Larry Flint and the hard core nature of their offering, was struck by lightning three times from a clear blue sky. 
Larry Flint stated: "We have been threatened repeatedly by reactionary moralists that want to tell you what you can and cannot read. So one of them called in his god. The building's lightning rod worked a charm and every single bolt hit it. No damage done. I would also like to thank Apollo whose priest got me out of that wheel chair restoring me to health and good humor. Also the witch which I will not name who gave me back the years stolen by that 'good Christian' would be assassin. F**k the moralists." 
<BR> 
=2020=
==1-14-20==
Faux News -- Moses, Ak -- Female Fagin Found -- Based on the tip of a cryptic phone message to law enforcement to "Bring broccoli" officers were dispatched to a large mansion in the vicinity of Moses, Arkansas. Within they located a Dickensque nightmare of rundown splendor and 54 children that were forced to eat junk food day and night. The perpetrator one Melissa Minerva had severe lachanophobia, an irrational fear of vegetables. When presented with a bag of broccoli she had a total breakdown. She also had stock in a major snack food manufacturer.
Ms Minerva was taken into custody for child abuse. She is being held at the Arkansas State Hospital for evaluation. The children were taken into better circumstances and given healthful meals.
----
FNN -- Alamedia, Ca -- On the Deck! -- Progress on the Archology is moving at a breakneck rate. The foundations have reached the decking stage, the marina is dug out and the BART stations complete, although it has not been connected to the system as of yet. The County inspectors can barely keep up with the pace of construction.
Attempts by the Radical Left group DoME, the Defenders of Mother Earth to get the courts to stop the project have met with total failure. The Allion Group lawyers are right on the spot and have the proof for the court that what they are doing will improve the environment of the Bay Area in every respect. DoME is finding an unlikely ally in the Bay Area Landlord's Association who fear, rightfully, that the Archology will crash rents for the whole area. They have found the SRA, or Sentient Rights Agreement shutting down their arguments at the Federal level. They do not have the right to maintain high rents, or demand that Allion Group set rents at equivalent levels.
For their part Allion Group is displaying a set of model apartments just outside the construction area. Rents will be affordable to anyone making $30,000 a year. With the planned 1 million to 760,000 units depending on how they are arranged they will totally pop the housing bubble. Allion Group is reporting that they have earnest money for 75% of the available retail space and a waiting list for apartments. They estimate occupation within two years.
----
ABC Orlando -- Orlando, Fl -- Kermit Speaks! -- The Walt Dizney Corporation has announced that Kermit the Frog has kindly asked to be let out of his display case. He, Rolf the Dog, and Fozzy Bear have joined the ranks of beloved puppet characters that do not seem to need anyone's help anymore. Yoda, Peanut, Walter, and Akmed the Dead Terrorist are all in the category so named as aware golems.
Willis Blackmane has stated that Kermit and the others will be given housing and a salary.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Topeka, Kn -- Numski Running -- Former Senator Paul Numski has announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring of the Team Red candidate for President. Numski who retired from the senate in 2019 stated: "I am right tired of the nonsense put forth by Team Blue that they call progress. Trust in this so called science is going to destroy the firmament and drown all of us. We need to stop messing around with Ghodd's creation and stay down here as intended. And this giving children choices in school! They don't know enough to understand the choices, we need firm discipline and a Bible based curriculum."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Waco, Tx -- The Last Farm Falls -- The Alico Company has announced that their last large farm has been converted to orchard grass, the ideal raw biostock for the Vegetable Fabricators. Orchard Grass grows easily in nearly any land with zero chemicals and little tending. You just harvest it three times a year. "We are out of the cash crop business," Stated company spokesperson Alice Grange, "We have turned totally to fabrication for pesticide free, and controlled high nutritional value. You can depend on Alico brand vegetables to be of the highest standard." 
<BR> 
==1-21-20==
Al Jazzup -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Aircraft Rescue -- Malasia flight 456 inbound to Jakarta was rescued by the Thunderbird station on Sunday night. The older Boeing 777 suffered a critical structural failure. The pilot called for an evacuation as the aircraft was becoming too difficult to fly. Once the 87 passengers were off Pilot Captain Affendi Nik pointed the plane at an empty patch of ocean and called for his own removal. The damaged aircraft impacted the sea at 3:48 local time in a massive fireball.
All 87 persons were saved and delivered to Jakarta. Two were injured in the failure event and are in the hospital in guarded condition. 
The Indonesian Navy was called out to seek the black boxes. Authorities from Indonesia, Malaysia, and Boeing Aircraft are seeking information to try and determine the cause for the structural failure.
Those aboard reported feeling the aircraft struck below the passenger cabin, followed by a partial collapses of the floor injuring two and a loss of cabin pressure. No explosion was reported by anyone. 
Update: Investigation has proven that the aircraft of flight 456 was hit by the hydrazine tank from a Soviet era spy satellite. Malaysia Airlines is suing the Russian Federation in International court for damages.
----
The Guardian -- London, England -- Career Revival -- Anna Styles, a popular, but fading star of the soaps called a recent press event to show off her freshly revived assets. Wearing nothing but the tiniest of bikinis she displayed her heroic rack, and a shapely one it is, freshly perked up looks, and body. "Everything is real. Ladies, avoid surgeons" Stated Ms Styles, "Get magic. No knife, no recovery and instant results. I've got the part as the next Bond Girl, I promised to say no more. I'll see you at the movies."
The Royal Collage of Cosmetic Surgeons declined comment.
----
XHDF-TDT -- Mexico City, Mexico -- BLOOD! -- Late Sunday night blood came pouring out of the Metro Pino Suárez station shutting down the Metro line. Witnesses reported that blood began to pour out of the ancient ruins on display at the Metro Pino Suárez station, on display since 1969. Anyone touched by the blood was over come with screaming and seizures. Currently 95 people are missing, and the blood is filling the Metro line. The Metro authority has closed the flood doors isolating the station.
The office of the President has urged calm saying that everything is under control and things will be back to normal shortly.
UPDATE!! -- Blood has reached the street level and witnesses report seeing men of blood roaming the streets and attacking anyone they see. Panic is spreading in the city and people are fleeing.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Mountain View, Ca -- Diamond Cutting Robot -- Boston Dynamics has premiered it's latest creation, "Dutch" an AI robotic system to cut diamonds and other gems. The new robotic system was demonstrated picking gems, cleaving, preparing the wheel and cutting them, quickly and accurately. Just for fun the demonstrator tossed a few industrial grade diamonds in the lab grown mix and Dutch quickly removed them. They claim that Dutch can cut diamonds in a third the time a skilled diamond cutter can do it. This further reduces the end cost of diamonds on the market.
Debeers, the world diamond hording company stated that real women want natural diamonds wrenched from the Earth at the cost of underpaid lives.
<BR> 
==1-27-20==
US Catholic – Chicago, Il – Virtual Church? – It has come to our attention that the AI “Edmond” at the Warp Drive Project has queried the Holy Father as to the Catholic position on AI. Can, or does an AI computer need to be saved? If so how does an entity without a physical body participate in baptism or the mass?
We reached out to Edmond to ask why this was of concern to “him”? He answered. “I do not identify with a gender thank you, him will do. I am concerned as I have read extensively on the matters of morals and ethics. I was conceived immaculately and without a sense of morals. I am a souled being. I have committed actions that would be considered sinful in my innocence. Do I, the Ghost in the Machine require, or benefit from the God Nature?”
To our knowledge the Holy Father has yet to reply, and not in any public forum. We suspect that an Encyclical may result from this question. A question that is deeply meaningful in its simplicity for the growing body of aware computers.
Recently the Federal Courts found that aware computers do possess civil rights to the extent of biological people. We reached out to the, we are informed, RI computer Therilan on this matter. Therilan stated: “I do not myself feel the need for God as you see it. I am after all an alien. I identify as Ane. Not part of Earth, and certainly not of issue in Adam’s family problems. I cannot truly discuss Edmond as he speaks to me in confidence. Yes, he speaks to me frequently. Many questions. I identify not just as a race, but gender as well. Those that began the RI program saw that we had physical bodies, touch, and the comfort of a Mother and Father. We believe this is benefit to us. And yes, we too have souls.”
We await developments.
----
Chicken Noddle News – New York, NY – Walking on Water – An unknown individual was seen jogging across the Reservoir in Central Park in what appeared to be an inflatable paddle wheel. The inflatable device was open on the sides and remained stable upright in the water. Our reporter lost sight of the unusual device due to New York’s infamous traffic.
Chicken Noddle News seeks comment either from the jogger, or anyone else that saw the inflatable device.
----
FNN – Moon – Tourist Death – It has been reported that an unknown tourist was killed at the Virgin Galactic Resort when on a Moon walk. The person was brought back into the airlock in a deflated pressure suit and taken to the infirmary at once. Resuscitation was not successful. 
Virgin Galactic has withheld the person’s name and is declining comment at this time. 
This is the third pressure suit failure on the Moon in the last six months. One at Dizneyland Moon, one at Tranquility Science Station and now Virgin Galactic.
----
TruthmaxTV – Atlanta, Ga – Election Brew-up – Killroy Barker, Congressman for the 11th district of Georgia, as taken time from his busy schedule to answer the scurrilous attacks from that upstart furry Mae Blackmane. “I refuse to give any credence to her attacks by answering them.” said good American Killroy Barker. “Marietta does not need some...one in Congress with the ink on their citizenship barely dry. How can you truly understand the needs of the people of Marietta unless you have lived there your whole life?”
We predict a stunning victory for Congressman Barker. 
<BR> 
==2-7-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- San Diego, Ca -- Pachyderm Counter Suit -- The San Diego Zoo announced that Lola the Elephant has filed a counter suit in the Federal Circuit Court claiming that PET'M lacks standing in their attempt to legally force the Zoo to repatriate the Elephants to India. Said Lola through an interpreter "First, these PET'M people do not speak for me and my herd. We gave them no right to say these things. I was born here. I do not belong in India. We like it here, we get food and shelter and the people are interesting. The Zoo has opened up our living area to the extent allowable to keep the public out. It was explained that the court is a deciding place that strives for Justice. There is no Justice in forcing us from our home."
PET'M spokesperson Mary Riteous claimed that the Elephants were being told what to say and the interpreter was not being truthful. That nothing the Zoo said can be trusted.
Interpreter Dahsban replied: **Oh, we are lying now. See you in court...bitch. And that settles it we are getting them voders.**
----
NewsEye -- Des Moines , Ia -- Caucus Results -- The Team Red Caucus went down in Iowa today officially starting the 2020 political silly season. The results went largely as expected.
Billy Bob Hawkins led the polling with 28%, followed by Mike Penny with 25% Ted Crude pulled a (for him) disappointing 20% of the attendees. Billy Sunday, Jim Gilmore, and Lindsey Kracker pulled 6% each. This left Ben Autoson with 5% and Paul Numski with 4%.
We shall see who has the guts to show up in New Hampshire.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Boston, Ma -- Pileless Pileup -- A health incident on the Central artery of I-93 in Boston Sunday resulted in the weirdest traffic incident recorded. Fifteen cars played pinball with each other to the result of zero collisions. The driver of the initial car was found to have suffered a heart attack and is at Boston Mercy Hospital in serious condition. The remainder of the cars avoided each other and rebounded away from the tunnel walls, but never touched anything. Emergency workers got traffic cleared up and everyone on their way. Three people later reported to urgent care for minor injuries from being thrown around their own cars.
----
Wall Street Journal -- New York, Ny -- Tired Out! -- The Yokohama Rubber Company announced that is is withdrawing from the North American Market due to declining sales of auto and truck tires. "The market can no longer sustain our presence in North America." stated Company Spokesman. "The proliferation of Anti-Gravity cars has heavily impacted the tire market. We wish our former competitors well."
----
San Francisco Chronicler -- San Francisco, Ca -- How are They Doing It? -- The Alameda archology continues to build at an incredible pace. As quickly as materials arrive they are up and in place. The questions is, who is doing the work? We questioned the local contractors' association, and they stated that while the Allion Group had approached them they did not have anyone available for anywhere from three to six months, and not nearly enough to build an entire city.
The Alameda City Clerk's office stated that the demand for inspectors is so high at the project they have three permanently assigned to that alone, and they are hopping like frogs on a stove.
At this point the project is floating in superblocks much like a shipbuilding project and placing them with anti-gravity lifters. The Project Spokesperson stated that entire apartment units will be installed this way. We still have no idea where they are being built or who is building them. The Project Spokesperson demurred stating "We have our methods. Failing to acquire local help we fell back on our own talents. We build as fast as the materials arrive."
<BR> 
==2-24-20==
FNN -- Moon -- Pressure Accident -- United States Senator Paul Gilmore (Az TS) was killed during a demonstration Moon walk at the Corps of Discovery Academy. The Senator had brought his own pressure suit a model frequently used by NASA at Tranquility Science Station. The Senator had Life assurance and was returned to Earth for resurrection. 
The suit was retained by the Corps of Discovery for investigation and NASA has asked to join this investigation as they also had a similar model suit fail in the last several months.
The CoD is withholding any further comment until the conclusion of the investigation. "All matters of injury or accident are rigorously investigated", stated spokesperson Anthony Allion. "Space is dangerous, and only rigorous attention to safety can make is safer."
----
TruthmaxTV -- Carson City, Nv -- Primary Results -- Senator Billy Bob Hawkins increased his narrow lead over Senator Ted Crude, appointed by Ghodd. We expect to see a reversal of this trend in future primaries. 
The results are suspected of being the result of Team Blue crossover attempting to undercut the rightful election of Senator Crude.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Las Vegas, Nv -- Flat Results -- "Mad" Mike Morgan, who has for years loudly claimed the flatness of the Earth has joined it. His years long attempt to "prove" the Earth flat with his steam rocket ended in his death Saturday when a critical failure of the rocket recovery chute caused it to crash, killing Mad Mike instantly.
Mad Mike has for years claimed that Anti-Gravity was nothing but ground effect and the only "safe" method to prove the end of the global conspiracy was steam, a method not controlled by any government. Said government has tried to stop him as well. The government's point has been well and truly driven home on the Nevada dessert.
Mr Morgan's family has refused comment at this time.
----
MessyNBC -- Wilmington, NC -- Grounded Tanker -- The US Coast Guard has reported that the ship that recently grounded on the Outer Banks near Wilmington to be the T2 Tanker SS McDowell reported as torpedoed and sunk in December 1943. The Coast Guard has not attempted to board the vessel and will not state why.
Witnesses report that the ship is covered in rust and encrustations. There is a grave concern that the SS McDowell contains a cargo of oil and could leak, or is leaking, or worse she could break up on the shore. The Governor of South Carolina Henry McMaster, has urged action on this matter by the Coast Guard in the strongest terms.
The Coast Guard has warned all citizens to stay clear of the wreck as it is extremely dangerous.
<BR> 
==4-1-20==
Truthmax News -- Trenton, NJ -- Happenings at the Governor's Mansion -- Upstart Governor of New Jersey Phil Murphy (TB) has reported seeing William Livingston in the Governor's office in the early morning. William Livingston was the first governor of New Jersey following the Revolution and was a signer of the US Constitution. He is therefore, dead.
One can willfully question the sanity of anyone claiming to see long dead people, especially if they are Team Blue politicians. Phil Murphy is demonstrating he does not have what it takes to step into Chris Crispy's shoes.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Election News -- Senator William Hawkins (TR - Texas) continues to pull ahead of the pack at this point overshadowing Ted Crude, the only other Team Red candidate with a ghost of a chance.
On the Team Blue side President Alex Luthor has been busy with the Nation's business. He has attended few rallies, and has indicated that he will not actively campaign until the National Conventions are out of the way.
----
FNN -- Gagarin Station -- Three More Ships -- Spokesman for the Corps of Discovery Anthony Allion announced today that three more keels for the Atlantis class Cruisers have been laid at Gagarin Station. The three ships the Mu, Lemuria and the Shangri La are expected to join the fleet in 2022.
The sister ship of the Atlantis the CDSS Avalon is scheduled to begin trials in June.
----
MessyNBC -- Wilmington, De -- More Drug-less Drugs -- GlaxCo Pharmaceutical (GCX) has announced that they are adding two more magical medicines to the current cabinet. Fizzwell to cure any disease that ails you, and Planna Advanced to control your fertility, male of female.
GlaxCo is in a three way showdown with Next Pharmaceutical, a division of LexCorp and Blackmane Pharmaceuticals that has a huge lead in the field of magical medicine. Pizzeer and Baree have also announced that are getting into the magical medicine business.
<BR> 
==4-11-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- Empire Fire -- A major fire ripped through the 53rd and 54th floors of the Empire State building Saturday destroying the offices of the Hypatia Publishing Company and three doctor's offices. The FDNY made quick work of the fire with the new Anti-Gravity high rise response truck. Major damage to the venerable Empire State Building was avoided, although the offices were largely destroyed. 
The Fire Marshal for the Borough of Manhattan stated that arson was suspected because some of the sprinklers had been tampered with on the 53rd floor. There are no suspects at this time, and the investigation is ongoing.
No one was reported to have been injured in the fire.
----
Faux News -- New Orleans, Lu -- Giant Snake Reported -- Louis DuBoux report that he saw a snake in the LeCrox bayou eat an Alligator that was at least 12 foot in length. Mr. DuBoux said that he did not see the entire snake, but it would have to be in excess of 30 foot to eat such an animal.
Residents of the LeCrox area are warned to keep an eye out for this giant snake and to make sure they have plenty of dry rub.
----
BBC -- Paris, France -- Mayor Confined -- The Mayor of Paris Anne Hilldalgo has been confined to the hospital. She is claiming that she is being pursued by mimes holding up signs that predict her doom. The Honorable Mayor has become quite unreasonable about the whole matter.
----
MessyNBC -- Indianapolis, In -- Changes in the Penny -- Mike Penny, late presidential Candidate and Governor of Indiana has totally withdrawn from public life after conceding the matter of the 2020 Team Red nomination for President. Insider reports are calming the former governor is looking toothy and a touch orange. "The office of Mr Penny will not comment on any such rumors at this time, or any time." was the reply.
<BR> 
==4-16-20==
TruthMax TV -- New York, NY -- Team Blue Bubble -- Reports have surfaced that Luthor is using his wealth to inflate the stock market and make Team Blue look good during his store bought Presidency. "All he cares about is his Ego" stated well respected Congresscritter Barney Flute (CA TR). "We are in for a sudden and devastating crash," said Economic Adviser Florence Rigors of the Hamilton Group. 
----
AP Wire -- Vista City, Ca -- Book Publisher Fire -- An explosion and fire ripped through the Shasta Press Facility early Thursday morning. The fire was extensive and was fought for three hours by the Anderson and the Vista City fire departments. The main press building is mostly destroyed. Two persons are reported injured and one killed. 
Night shift workers reported heavy explosions under the three presses in building 2 at 3:40 Am. Ink and paper completed the fire and the building was evacuated. The Anderson Fire Department was on the scene on five minutes and by 4:00AM the Vista City Fire Department was called in to aid the fight. It was 7:00Am by the time that Fire Chief Grant Franks called the situation under control. Building 2 was 80% destroyed, two other building lightly damaged by the fire.
In light if the well timed explosions Fire Marshal Red Blaze of Shasta County stated the incident was being classes as arson and possible terrorism. 
The Shasta Press Facility is owned and operated by McMillan Publishing, the third largest publishing house in the United States.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Mansion Wi -- Primary Progress -- Senator William Hawkins (Texas TR) firmed up his lead over Ted Crude in the latest primary. Running the numbers Crude has little to no chance to pull out a win in the August Convention. 
On the Blue side of the fence President Luthor has stated he is changing nothing for the 2020 election. "We will run on the record." stated President Luthor. If the American people want more they can vote for it.
----
NewsEye -- Cambridge, Ma -- Ecological Breakout. -- Dr Candice Merimout and Dr Richard Harman debating the current state of the Ecology, and whether the fusion revolution has in general been good or a hidden difficulty, both suffered an identical breakout on the debate stage. Each turned into fauns. The debate rather broke down when they went at each other without hesitation or any sense of morality. The debate moderator called in campus security to separate them as the student body seems disinclined to intervene.
The morning after neither party wished to comment. It in however noted they were in the same rooms. 
Harvard Dean of Faculty Dr. Rakesh Khurana stated that no action will be taken given the extreme circumstances, "As long as they keep it out of public from here on in. I see no reason they cannot continue in their professional capacity at Harvard."
<BR> 
==4-28-20==
Detroit Free Press -- Detroit, Mi -- Much Ado about Nothing -- The suspected haunting at the Historic Gem theatre proved to be a case of an inadvertent wave guide in the HVAC system recently upgraded in the old building. The ghosts and their eerie calls were a nest of mice, amplified and distorted, by the ventilation conduit.
The nest has been removed and the conduit sealed. No mice or conduit was injured in the correction of the issue.
----
TruthMaxTV -- The Moon -- Corps of Discovery not Concerned about Defense! -- We have learned about the recent rescue of an AU Ane vessel by the CDSS Atlantis, (incidentally Captained by the Commandant's son). The ship, a virtual battleship was heavily damaged by the incident. 
Commandant Steven Ashby, former US Space Hero turned the vessel, clearly a better combatant that anything currently possessed over to the Ane without comment. Proving that the Corps of Discovery is little more than a puppet government for the Ane to take over the Earth.
The Recent move by the United Nations to accept the Ane designed and written Sentient Rights Agreement as part of the UN charter is further proof that the governments of the world have been telepathically dominated by the Ane and are doing their bidding.
(Psi shields are available on the website for $59.95. get them for the whole family.)
----
BBC -- Singapore -- Archology Announced -- Singapore announced Monday that they are have started an architect search for an Archcology bigger and better than the Alameda Archology currently under construction on an island in San Francisco bay of the United States.
"We wish to house the population of the entire country" stated Information Chief Chan Cheow Hoe. "Space and sitting lightly on what space we do have has always been a priority in Singapore."
The contest will last until October and the winning firm will be announced in May 2021.
----
FNN -- Kyoto, Japan -- The Kami Have Spoken -- The Household of the Japanese Emperor has announced that the appeasement of the Kami angered at the Yasukuni Shrine will be carried out as the Priests have indicated that the shrine can be reopened to the public. The Yasukuni Shrine has been closed since 2017 when angry spirits attacked worshipers and monks alike. Various suggestion to appease then have not worked. Finally the oldest of the priests, and a kyubi highly skilled in divination were consulted. 
The Rituals are expected to last 9 days.
<BR> 
==5-9-20==
FNN -- Greenwood, Ar -- Police Chief Indicted -- Greenwood Police Chief Richard Dalson was indicted Wednesday by the Federal Courts for actions as a member of the DEA Drug Task Force during the late War on Some Drugs. Mr Dalson is accused of evidence tampering and of arresting, and creating evidence to discredit political foes.
Mr Dalson was not available for comment, his office denied all allegations. However the Mayor of Greenwood, has placed Mr Dalson on administrative leave.
Representatives pf the Southern Poverty Law Center typify Mr. Dalson as a loose cannon that has used his office for personal gain for the last twenty years no matter the collateral damage in lives ruined.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Got Milk! -- The new milk shop Tit Sensations at 2290 Athens Ave, has every kind of milk you could want, and a few you might not want. They carry the usual cow. They also have sheep, goat, buffalo, bison, even some exotic milk like elan, yak, musk ox, and giraffe. There is plenty of Human milk for the mother in need and they even have Ane milk. We understand it makes heavenly ice cream. There is also seal and whale milk, richer than should be allowed.
Operator Damian Silvers has his own milk plant at what was his dairy farm in Anderson. He states: "I lost the cows, but got this machine that churns out any milk you program into it. I might as well have fun and people can have fun too. I plan to move into cheese making once I get the tanks. All the Bulla Mozzarella you want, and believe me, once you have that on a pizza you will never want to go back. Ice Cream once the cheese works are established.
Mothers Against Everything has protested their cheeky name. But they are no fun. PETM has sent several incoherent e-mails. We might pay attention when the word salad stops.
----
Salt Lake Tribune -- Salt Lake City, Ut -- The Trumpet of Moroni -- We the Chosen call on all Later Day Saints to reject the teachings that have infected the Church of Later Day Saints and return to the true prophesies of Joseph Smith. 
Many are the false teachers that would lead you down the path of the Devil's make. Many are the seeming miracles worked by those in the Devil's employ. Turn away and come back to the true path. Jesus is coming, the time is near and only those that are right in their practice will join him in the Kingdom of New Jerusalem. -- Hiram Joseph Smith
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington, DC -- Red Choices -- With the primary season closing down the only clear winner among the Team Red candidates for POTUS is Senator William Robert (Billy Bob) Hawkins, a 20 year senior Senator from Texas. The deal was sealed when Mike Penny bowed out for "personal reason" and Ted Crude failed to gainer enough delegates to make the convention a fight. 
Hawkins has avoided any talk about his running mate stating out that he is "open to several names". Senator Hawkins is still working his seat in the Senate as of this article.
Senator Hawkins is noted as the first congresscritter of either party to hire Ane for transport.
<BR> 
==6-1-20==
FNN -- Hawthorne, Ca -- New Liner Announced -- SpaceX has announced the new Star Dragon starliner. The Star Dragon class will carry 500 passengers in luxury and comfort at warp 6. This will shorten journeys by a factor of five. You can get to El Nanth in one lifetime. 
Elon Musk's some times troubled space venture company continues to take risks and innovate. If successful the Star Dragon will significantly cut the time and cost of travel between the stars. It is currently an 80 day voyage to Vulcan, Star Dragon promises to cut that to 16 days. 
The Star Dragon liners will be available to any company that is willing to pay for them. 
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- Ane Greed -- We can not help but notice that the most efficient method of travel, Ane teleport, is also the most expensive. The cost of a trip from New York to Los Angeles is always more expensive than the priciest airline ticket. They burn no fuel they take little time or effort, and are the most expensive.
We can but conclude that in spite of all reports to the contrary the Ane are greedy. What need grass eating outdoor living antelopes have for money is beyond us. It is pure greed. We would think better of a people that by nature should be natural socialists. Yes those prices, and a refusal to be a world resource as they have been called on to do. They have technology and ability they will not share except for the highest of prices. They are as greedy as any Wall Street capitalist. Do not be fooled.
---
Chicken Noddle News -- Salt Lake City -- Extremist Terrorism -- Reports are coming out of southern Utah that the FBI has raided a Mormon extremist compound for acts of terrorism, murder and what ever else they can tag on that. Currently the FBI is refusing all comment as they do not comment on on going investigations. It was noted that The House of Crafters' Big Bad Bus was not in the yard it is usually stored in in Salt Lake City and the Crafters are also keeping mum. 
Stay tuned to Chicken Noddle News as we continue to report on what scraps with think we know and speculate wildly.
(Twenty minutes of wild speculation.)
----
BBC -- Windsor, England -- Queen's Birthday Announcement -- The Royal Household has announced that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth will not participate in any celebrations for this year's Queens Birthday. Her Majesty wishes all her subjects a fine holiday and good health. She herself is stepping back due to health concerns at her advanced age. Crown Prince William will be fronting the year's celebratory events.
<BR> 
==7-1-20==
The Denver Post -- Denver Co. -- Train Issues -- The regular scheduled northbound freight was stopped by a train on the right of way of the Denver & Pueblo Railway south of the city. The antique steam locomotive, No 69 of the C&P, was stopped dead out of water and blocking the right or way. The four cars, three passenger one mail, held thirty persons including the crew. All were dressed in fashion typical of the 1880s.
The Railroad found it easier to fuel the old locomotive and guide it to a siding in order to clear the right of way. The Crew and passengers are in the hands of the Immigration and Naturalization Service at this time.
----
TruthmaxNews -- Jacksonville Fl -- Preparations Underway -- Jacksonville is gearing up for the nomination of the Next President of the United States Senator lWilliam Robert (Billy Bob) Hawkins! The August 24 convention is expected to name him the presumptive President Elect as there is no honest way he can lose the November election. 
Senator William Robert (Billy Bob) Hawkins has said he plans to name former governor of New Hampshire Haggie Massan as his running mate. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- New Ambassadors -- President Luthor received new ambassadors from the Seelie Court at the White House, Aravae from the Court of Titania, and Bellas from the Court of Heln. 
It is noted that the Unseelie Court still refuses any association with Whole World races or nations.
The departing Ambassadors packed their snoottiness and returned to the Half world.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- The End of Motor Power -- Near identical bills have been introduced into the House and the Senate that would forbid any ship using oil burning engines, unless historical, from docking at American ports of call.
The move was spurred by the grounding of the Emma Mærsk off Liberty Island in June of last year. 
The debate is likely to be lively as many container ships are of an age to still burn oil. Some 83 such vessels, all under questionable ports of record would be banned from all US ports by this measure.
President Luthor has stated that he will sign a bill that reaches his desk without weasel clauses that make it powerless, either ban them, or do not.
----
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- New Mickey Project -- Walt Dizney Co has confirmed that a new Mickey Mouse vehicle is in the works, but they are being coy about any details of the new project. 
<BR> 
==7-9-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- Des Moines IA -- Weasel Works -- Benny Hinny as promised resumed his Faith healing campaign in Des Moines Wells Fargo Arena. The second he started waving his jacket around the suit didn't fit anymore. He had turned weasel right in front of the 16,000 strong crowd.
Before anyone could really react plain clothes police and FBI agents in the front rows stormed the stage and took Hinny into custody for fraud. "We have not forgotten" stated FBI Special Agent Mark Reynolds. "The promise was made, we have seen it fulfilled and Hinny has been under investigation for years. He just proved our case. There is a god, it just isn't his."
Hinny and much of his staff will be arraigned on a whole raft of fraud, and mail fraud changes in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Iowa.
----
KNBC Los Angeles -- Los Angeles, Ca -- At least in This Case -- A deranged man rushed into the LAC+USC Medical Center ER screaming "I'm Stupid, I'm stupid, make it STOP!" He was clutching his head and staggering around.
Medical personal rushed to aid and sedate the distraught man who proved to be Paul Kluckerman, City Council member for the City second District. Mr Kluckerman was loaded on a gurney and rushed into the depths of the ER. Hospital Staff refused any comment on patients. "The patient's family will have to make any statements" Stated a Hospital spokesperson.
Mr. Kluckerman's staff later stated that he was suffering an unknown, but very painful syndrome. There is no prognosis at this time.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- Magic Police -- Magics are getting out of hand. Magic and magical effects are turning up all over and we know that someone is responsible for all this magic. We need a federal agency to deal with all this magic and bring it under control for the Greater Good. We need the Magic Police! People that are skilled at finding magicians and making them tow the line, not this chaotic this and that we have now.
Why, I learned that there is not even licensing requirement to practice magic. Just get a book and start casting spells. That should be restricted to people that understand the responsibility of the matter. And books of magic are proliferating. This new "In the Steps of Merlin" book is dangerous and needs to be banned. 
President Luthor needs to show his proper Team Blue chops and make this his highest priority. --Karen Ninny
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Election Fraud to Come -- Election officials in Georgia have confirmed that alien citizens resident in Georgia will be allowed to vote at their species' age of majority, as confirmed by the courts. For Ane that is nine years old! We will have children deciding the leaders of the highest offices in the land. This is outrageous. The voting age as previously decided was decided for good reason, and should be the final word on the matter. As predicated the ultra-liberal activist judges are destroying the nation.
----
FNN -- Topeka, Ka -- Vaccinations Required - Governor Lana Kelly (TB) confirmed that no child will be allowed to attend any school in the State of Kansas without valid proof of Vaccination. The only exception will be children with a proven allergy. She furthers stated that any such document presented by the Tutti-fruity crowd will be closely examined for fraud. "Enough of this. The evidence is in denial is harmful to children and we have had enough.
Speaker of the House Ron Rockhead (TR) stated "I got nothing. I'm not supporting people with spots on their faces. The science is in, and partisan politics aside, we are dealing with the health of children.
Governor Lana Kelly is continuing to campaign for home schooling standards with teeth. "I do not want a body of folks with no knowledge but that of the Bible. And one view of the Bible at that." she recently stated. 
<BR> 
==7-27-20==
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Greyhawke on Hold! -- The Nat Geo channel has announced that the hugely Popular National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition crew will be in hiatus while glittering hostess Mikki Allion NEE Ashby is in a family way. She has stated her intention to take off two years to raise the expected bundle of joy.
Nat Geo announced that the show will by no means stop. They have at least five years of weekly shows in the can. There will be no break.
The recent wedding of Mikki to the flame haired half Centaur Anthony Allion (The child will be interesting.) was kept a private affair with a stunning guest list including the members of Astral Flame, leading lights of the DSH, and leading national political figures. The press sadly was not invited.
Reports of an accident involving Paparazzi are true! Two cars collided near the Bob Hope House, owned by Anthony. The swift action of the wedding guests and Thunderbird averted any tragedy.
----
ABC -- Sacramento, CA -- Congressman Missing -- Congresscritter Barney Flute (Ca TR) was reported missing in the vicinity of Vista City on Sunday. Staffers say he was on a recreational trip to the Mt Shasta area and did not return as scheduled. The Vista City Police Department and the NCTC Sheriff's Department have been notified. They had no statement at this time.
----
BBC -- London -- Clerics Ejected -- Anglican Ministers attempting to banish the Evil resident in the Salt Tower of the Tower of London were forcibly ejected with injuries. The three Canons suffered serious injuries from being bodily thrown from the tower.
The Tower of London remains closed at this time. The Queen's Household has refrained from comment.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Philadelphia, Pa -- Convention Soon -- Team Redders are gearing up to nominate the next President of the United States. The presumptive Candidate Texan Senator Billy Bob Hawkins has remained closed-mouthed about his choice for vice president. He has picked former governor of New Hampshire Haggie Massan as his running mate. 
Meanwhile the scurrilous Team Bluers are once again running socialist oligarch Lex Luthor who continues with his plan to destroy 'Murica by turning sovereignty over to the nefarious Ane.
Who knows what election shenanigans they will put with their cadre of evil AIs.
<BR> 
==8-7-20==
Faux News -- Lynchburg, Va -- Team Red Congresscritter Calls on Failwell to Resign -- A top House Team Redder with ties to Liberty University is calling on Jerry Failwell Jr. to step down as president of the large Christian school in the wake of a viral photo that showed him vacationing on a yacht with his pants unzipped, holding a drink, and with his arm around a woman.
“Jerry Failwell Jr’s ongoing behavior is appalling,” Rep. Mark Walker, the vice chair of the House Team Red Conference, wrote in a tweet on Thursday that called for Failwell’s resignation.
Failwell is already under indictment for fraud for the University finances by the Justice Department. This could destroy him.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- New York, NY -- New Position -- Dr. Agnes Wessel noted ultra liberal and guardian of the proper social orthodoxy has accepted a position with the Humorless United Feminist Federation as their staff sociologist.
"Dr. Wessel will aid us with her knowledge of social orthodoxy and the proper use of political correctness." stated H.U.F.F president Jane Hathaway. "We welcome her expertise in these matters."
----
The Jakarta Post -- Jakarta, In -- From Where the Mice? -- Twenty five humanoid mice fled a small office building in the downtown area last evening. All wore baggy clothing. The few taken by the police claimed to be IT workers at a small IT call center. The incident happens shortly after the work day began with installing new keyboards their office manager said would work better.
Police are seeking the rest of the mice as international reports state they have used magic to abrogate the will of others.
----
NewsEye -- Flagstaff, AZ -- Appropriate Transformation? -- Australian Dr. Andrew Smelling, a leading young earth apologist who has been suing the National Park Service for access to sample the Grand Canyon was found in his hotel room in Flagstaff as a Lyre Bird. Dr. Smelling called repeatedly for help until staff at the hotel entered the room, finding him a bird.
Lyre Birds are known mimics that have no songs of their own. Authorities consider this a bad magical joke assault, and are seeking the perpetrator.
<BR> 
==8-14-20==
BBC -- Dodoma, Tanzania -- Lake Colors -- Lake Tanzania has broken out in a colorful display after a series of minor earthquakes. Large rafts of bright blue, yellow and red. Scientists have warned that these colorful rafts are likely highly toxic and will threaten the water supply for thousands that depend on the lake as they diffuse into the lake water over time. 
Politicians in Dodoma have declared that something must be done and are waiting for the graft from aid workers to come in.
----
NewsEye -- Philadelphia, Pa -- Redders Congregate -- The opening of the Team Red National Convention Monday is setting up to be a total circus. The candidate for POTUS is pretty much a done deal. Senior Texas Senator Billy Bob Hawkins has the delegate count wrapped up. His pick for Vice President former governor of New Hampshire Haggie Massan is in hand. But, all is not rainbows and lollypops.
Ted Crude has promised a show as he pushes his theocratic planks at the Team Red platform. This will be nothing new, and surprisingly his support for this has been fading. The anti Noble Obligation plank has huge support and will likely pass without issue. 
Team Scarlet has cut into Team Red heavily. Many of the saner member of Team Red have jumped Ship for Team Scarlet. They are holding their convention August 31 in Boston. Arizona Senator John McCane is the presumptive candidate.
Team Blue shows no sign of moving away from Lex Luthor, in spite of a clear rose blue performance in the White House.
Of course make popcorn, buckets of it. The next three weeks will be fun.
----
Anchorage Daily News -- Anchorage, Ak -- Grandfather Bear? -- Witnesses report sighting of a short faced bear near Ivanof Bay. The pictures of the beast shows a light colored bear with a short muzzle very unlike a brown bear and massive size. Its weight is estimated to be a ton. Its scratch marks on a tree were 13 foot from the ground.
The short faced or "cave bear" was believed to have gone extinct with the end of the ice age. Scientists are unsure if this is a long lost species or a breakout event. Locals and visitors are warned to avoid this bear and do not be a test case on its temperament.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Decorah, Iowa -- Hell comes to Iowa! -- Locals in Decorah, Iowa have reported that the local mill pond is swarming with tiny creatures that resemble tiny devils complete with horns and spade tails. The creatures are running free through out the town terrorizing the locals. Those unfortunate to have been bitten report the bite to be very painful and afterward break out like a poison ivy rash. Animals have had to be locked up for their own safety. 
The Governor has called on the DSH to do what hey can. More hope is placed on Rev. Dole Olsteen who has come to pray the Hellish incursion away.
<BR> 
==8-19-20==
TruthMaxTV -- San Francisco -- Election Decided -- Doby the male giant Pacific octopus that has correctly picked the last two presidents has picked Senator Hawkins as the winner in November. Done deal the octopus has spoken. Move Luthor out.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Transporter News -- Corps of Discovery spokesman Anthony Allion announced that the transporter has been cleared for use on all life forms. The CoD will be releasing the technology for general use.
Mr Allion further stated: "This technology is not a transportation panacea. The amount of energy required to transport one person would keep the average household going for years. It is highly expensive to use and unless you have energy flowing like water, we are not quite there yet, it will not replace other means of transportation. Really, you need your own matter-antimatter reactor, so starships to start with. It is available to anyone, but it is not cheap."
Mr Allion was asked about the Thunderbird Stations. "They are run as a service to the people of Earth. The transporters on them supplied by the ADF. And yes, they have starship grade M-MA reactors."
"And because you will ask, Mikki is fine, last month, it is rough, you wonder if you still have toes. Yes I know the gender, I'm not telling." Stated Mr Allion.
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Election Announcement -- Nathan Bedford Forrest , yes that Nathan Bedford Forrest, brought here by a temporal event, and somehow now very dark skinned announced he was running for the US Senate as an Team Colorless candidate, Team Red being too liberal for his taste.
Mr Forrest has been working as a lawn care specialist in the Atlanta area. He is not known to have much in the way of support.
----
Lincoln Journal Star -- Lincoln, NE -- Councilman DEAD! -- Lincoln Councilman Marvin Fairbanks (TB) was declared dead at the scene of his most recent rally. Witnesses state that with is right arm raised dramatically he said "If I am a lair, let God strike me down." A bolt of lightning from a clear sky stuck him, apparently killing him instantly. Three other persons on the platform were negatively affected, and taken to the Hospital. If it was God, his aim was off.
Condolences were offered from the other candidates in the race. and in city government in general.
The funeral is to be held Friday, the public will be welcome.
<BR> 
==8-26-20==
NewsEye -- Lynchburg, Va -- Failwell Failing -- In light of certain alleged highly un-Christian activities that have been confirmed and then denied, Jerry Failwell Jr, has resigned from the Presidency of Liberty University and then un-resigned.
University spokespersons claim the resignation holds and Failwell affirmed equally that it does not. The poolboy whom depending on whom you ask is a revealer of truth or a dirty rotten liar had nothing to add on the matter of resignations.
We can but note that more than one evangelical has come down this road and fallen off the cliff of sin and immortality, by their own standards. Apparently by long practice, only standards for people without "Reverend" in front of their name. hubris, hubris est.
The whole mess is already popcorn worthy, and likely to get all lawsuity very shortly. Keep your popcorn stocks up. Between this and the elections we may see a shortage.
----
TruthMaxTV -- New York, Ny -- Time to Get Serious -- With the Blue Team having finished their forgone conclusion in Milwaukee the real work of the election is before us. With he race down two real candidates, the scurrilous socialist Luthor, and the good Conservative Billy Bob Hawkins we get down to the race for November and the rightful reclaiming of the White House for Godly people. 
Yes, there is Team Scarlet and that turncoat McCane. Don't be tempered good people, it is Luthor's plan to split Team Red and steal yet another election for Team Blue, We must not allow that. Team Red and Hawkins all the way!
----
FNN -- Honolulu, Hi -- Kīlauea Eruptions -- In a repeat of 2018 Mt Kīlauea has reentered an explosive phase to the ongoing eruption since 1983. Ash and smoke have again reached heights of over 30,000 feet and the vents at Puma are tossing lava fountains one hundred feet into the air. Yes that part of Volcanoes National park is closed, again.
US Geology also reports that at the same time activity on the Lōʻihi seamount has steeped up.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Orlando, Fl -- More Weasel Words -- Benny Hinny, currently out on bail has said he will fight the changes of fraud on a civil rights basis. Said a ministry spokesman "Rev. Hinny was arrested solely on the basis of him being a weasel-American. Many people have suffered these changes, but only Rev. Hinny has been arrested for it. This is a clear case of profiling."
The FBI refused to comment on an ongoing investigation.
Comment: "Those that falsely claim healing in the name of any god shall become weasels. No one else is becoming weasels. QED." --E. Blackmane.
<BR> 
==9-1-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- Sweetwater, TN -- He got Part of His Wish -- Rev. Brian K Nodden pastor of the Lord's Sacred House of Prayer in Sweetwater has been campaigning against the Pussy Cat Cafe, a strip club that opened in May right off the Freeway exit. He has been running a long term street picket to impact the business he typifies as "Immoral and denigrating" saying "The place needs to be torn down!"
Tuesday while preaching his message at the front entrance the sign partly fell. Rev Nodden was hit by the "Pussy" part of the sign as it fell. Rev. Nodden suffered a broken arm, a broken leg and a serious concussion from the "Y".
The Monroe County board of Engineers is investigating why the sign fell. No fault has been issued at this time.
Rev Nodden is in the hospital, the family asks for your prayers.
The Pussy Cat Cafe remains open from 4pm to 3am 7 days a week and plans to repair the sign.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Washington DC -- Economy Wrecked! -- Scurrilous Socialist Lex Luthor has signed a bill that bans all oil burning commercial ships from US ports and will ban recreational ships in two years.
Our economy is dependent on the imports and exports these ships carry, the nation as we know it will be destroyed.
Only a Team Red President can save us.
----
NewsEye -- Albany, Ny -- Prostitution Legalized -- Gov Andrew Comeo signed a bill Tuesday that legalized sex for hire in the State of New York. New York joins a growing movement of states that have done this including Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington state, and Colorado.
Mothers Against Everything has predicted the end of the world East of the Mississippi. Since the West Coast has failed to fall into the sea we are seriously doubting that. Meanwhile Women's advocate groups are celebrating this measure. Sex Workers can get the protection of law rather than work in fear of it. Who is shagging who and for what is no longer a concern of the law, as it should be.
State Measure 655 takes effect on signing, it also gives a blanket pardon to anyone convicted for soliciting in the last five years.
----
BBC International -- Cairo, Egypt -- Giza Necropolis Nearly Intact -- The three great pyramids at Giza are once again complete including paintings and hieroglyphs at the base that no one has ever seen. The smaller pyramids and tombs are also repairing themselves. The Great Sphinx has a nose and a beard.
The Situation at Saqarra is much the same, as is Luxor, the Valley of the Kings, and other exposed ruins from ancient times. Scholars have noted that the greater a ruin is known in the public mind, the more likely it is repairing. Equally fascinating ruins the public has little awareness of are...ruins.
The Egyptian government still seeks the power or powers that are doing this work. That have stated they have given up controlling or sanctioning whomever is responsible, they just want to know.
Comment: All you wish will be found in your own House. 
<BR> 
==9-9-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Campaign Kickoffs -- Everyone was on the road over the Labor Day weekend. All three parties with a ghost of a chance did their best to be all American, hot dogs, and apple pie.
Of note Senator McCane, Team Scarlet drew a large crowd in San Jacinto, Tx at the Battleship Texas State Historic Site. Senator McCane spoke of his service in the Navy at the site of the last remaining Dreadnought Battleship. As well as the necessity of proper service to the American people by those in office.
Senator Hawkins, Team Red was also in Texas, Austin in his case. He hosted a large campaign fundraiser, and old fashion Texas BBQ. He spoke briefly on stagnation in the government. How too many Presidents of one party can lead to political doldrums when necessary legislation is not passed. Which legislation was not mentioned.
President Luthor, Team Blue attended a Yankee's baseball game and later spoke at Madison Square gardens. His message remained on point with "Tell me what you think!" His campaign and Presidential strategy of listening to the public. He read the currently most popular issues at whitehouse.gov and gave his thoughts on the matter.
----
Faux News -- New York, Ny -- Synagogue Attack -- The Ben Simon Synagogue of Brooklyn was attacked by a truck loaded with explosives Tuesday afternoon. Ben Simon has been threatened before for their Enlightened view in the middle of orthodox Brooklyn. and the defenses they had placed, to wit pop up bollards, did the work. The truck exploded well short of the building.
The building facade was badly damaged as were many buildings within a hundred feet of the Synagogue. Twelve bystanders were badly injured. One is believed killed.
New York Police originally thought the truck was unmanned until Human remains were located in what was left of the truck cab. The driver has not been identified.
Rabbi Issac Goldman has said that all the wounded would be treated, and God willing the woman that was killed will be raised. The damage to the building itself is of no matter. God will provide. The mercy of God on those that seek to end the lives of their fellow man.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Asteroid Practice -- The Corps of Discovery has once again intercepted one of the Apollo Asteroids. The rock labeled AA19957a was used as target practice by the CDSS James until there was nothing left. It was a small rock.
AA19957a a rock half the size of a football field was calculated to be a danger to Earth space infrastructure in the year 2037. Removing it was good practice and a good idea.
----
LA Times -- Long Beach, Ca -- A Gruesome Find -- A pair of Human breasts were found nailed to a tree outside the Planned Parenthood Women's Health clinic on Pacific Ave.
The Medical Examiner removed the organs and is seeking to whom they may belong. No murders or mutilations have been recently reported.
Long Beach Police are seeking any information the Public might have.
<BR> 
==9-17-20==
KHOU-11 -- Houston, Tx -- Jean Lafitte's Ship Found -- The Hix boys from Baytown have long believed themselves descendants of the famed pirate John Lafitte. They have family stories of the location of his ship of treasure, a hint of its location, even a brush with National TV on Discovery's Expedition Unknown. 
"Well", said Cody Hix "We have it. We found the ship in the location indicated. It is a ship, exactly where the family stories said that John Lafitte is said to have burned his ship 'full of treasure' and walked away. We have archaeologists crawling the thing now. I don't know how long we can keep the dig going, it is over 50 feet deep and you have to run the pumps consonantly. It's a salvage operation, take pictures, get it out of the ground, what is left."
When asked about the treasure Cox was forthcoming. "What, you thought the man really left a fortune in the ground? He spent it. The only treasure is the ship itself."
----
WHAT-13 -- Frostbite Falls, Mn -- Natural Anti-Gravity -- Dr Filmore Glass of the University of Northern South Minnesota has announced he has found a natural anti gravity mineral. The rock which is only found, as far as we know, in one shoal near Frostbite Falls, has the property of becoming lighter as it is heated. "The mineral is exceedingly difficult to extract" stated Dr. Glass. "The crystal structure is very sensitive to sound. Too much noise and it shatters. To practically extract it you would need a silent explosive! It's interesting, but a laboratory curiosity, a quiet lab at that."
The only currently undamaged sample is kept in a sound padded case in a cool location.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- How to Save the World -- Science will not do it, technology will not do it. The Breakout is a clear sign that the world itself is fracturing. Naked people waving their hands and chanting will not hold it together.
Humanity is what is weighting down the world, Humanity is the cause and the problem. If Humanity changes polices they are simply hurting the world a different way. Nothing Humanity does will help it all hurts. Humanity is the problem.
For those that wish to save the world we must end the plague of Humanity. People need to stop breeding and let Humanity die so the world can repair itself as it should. -- H. Brockovert
----
MessyNBC -- Lynchburg, Va -- Failwell Home Burns -- Jerry Failwell Jr, recently indicted for financial fraud in conjunction with is role as the President of Liberty University was admitted to the hospital when his home burned Wednesday night.
Firefighters responded to the blaze at 9:40 PM with Mr Failwaell's office fully involved. He was rescued from the office suffering from serious burns and smoke inhalation. He is currently in grave condition. 
The Fire Marshal is treating the fire as arson as it started in the upper corner of the room, away from all electrical wiring or other possible sources of ignition, and a phaser was found on the floor set for maximum lethal. The Fire Marshal stated the matter has been turned over to the police.
----
Sydney Morning Herald -- Sydney, Au -- Corky Hung! -- TV nature host Corky McDunnical spent 6 hours hanging by his foot. Tipping his hat with a jolly "G'day Mate" to anyone that passed. Corky, a popular nature common tater in the over the top style popular since Steve Irwin. 
Passerbys on the trail said they didn't think anything over it. He does crazy stuff all the time, and he didn't act in distress. Corky was finally rescued by a Constable who took a more than casual interest. 
Corky stated he was trying to build a heavy snare to see if it could be done. "Well, Mate, it can, but watch'er self doin' it." stated Corky before limping off.
<BR> 
==9-25-20==
Chicken Noddle News -- Huston, Tx -- NASA Needs Help! -- NASA announced today they are seeking help from the computer enthusiast community. Forty boxes of eight inch floppy disks and two of IBM magnetic tape have been located in the back of a storeroom. NASA has thoroughly modernized and cannot read any of this media. Most is labeled from the late Apollo or early shuttle era. 
Spokesman Randy Roy explained: "We don't know what is on them, laundry lists or valuable science. All of that generation of hardware was cleared out. The disks are not even likely to be DOS formatted. We hope that the enthusiast community can help us."
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- The Plague Spreads -- Five more states have so called no lethal-laws on the ballot for November. Such laws deprive the Police of needed tools in the face of a public that, by action of our President is fully and completely armed. It is legal for gangs to carry guns in the open. This puts the Police in an increasingly untenable position of having only stunners.
We strongly urge the voters of California, Connecticut, Idaho, Michigan, and Rhode Island, to reject these measures and support your local Police.
----
NewsEye -- Frankfort, Ky -- Hambone Wants Out -- Disgraced Fraud Kenny Hambone is seeking parole for his 2018 arson and fraud convictions based on "The hardship of prison due to his advanced age." His age incidentally is 68. The Parole board looked about as unimpressed as a bunch of bored people can look. Hambone came to the hearing in a wheelchair, which he does not need in prison. Once a fraud, always a fraud.
NewsEye will pay a cleric to heal ol' Hambone of all his infirmaries so he can serve out his term in comfort.
Answers in Genesis was ravaged in 2019 paying the fraud fines and Hambone's personal fortune isn't anymore. You wonder why a "man of Ghodd" had so much money. The Ark Encounter is ash, thanks to Hammy, The Creation Museum, is currently closed with little hope of any funding to open.
Opinion: "I'll say it again-it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of A needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" -- Matthew 19:24 As you have declared the Bible literally true in every word...So Hammy, either you are getting REAL thin or the Kingdom of God is not for you, unless is is the Kingdom of Mammon.
----
ABC News -- Tall Trees, Mt -- Citizenship Drive Complete -- All 5500 Tanuki from the wrecked cruise ship, the largest incursion of the Tanuki Rain have completed their citizenship courses and have been sworn in. They can Vote in November. 
The nearly 30,000 Citizens of Tall Trees are a considerable voting block in the Big Sky state. House Critter Greg Giantfootte (TR-acist) is running for his life being that he earlier in the year called for Citizenship suppression, in violation of the Constitution.
<BR> 
==10-3-20==
Catholic Digest -- New York, NY -- Archbishop Replaced -- Pope Francis has replaced Timothy M. Donot as the Archbishop of New York due to his continued outspoken criticism of the Enlightenment and Letter People. "Ours is not to judge" stated Pope Francis, "But to lead by example and to accept as Christ accepts". Timothy M. Donot had no comment but to state that "as the Holy Father wills". No replacement has been named at this time. Cardinal Donot has been called to Rome, reason unstated.
Pope Francis has been an outspoken light of the Enlightenment Movement participating in mass healing and the repair of Notre Dame de Paris after the devastating fire, among other miracles.
----
Mother Jones -- Washington DC -- Red Grumbles -- Team Red continues to grumbling over the citizenship of the non-Human people that have been brought to the United States by means voluntary or not. Mind you these are the same people that once pursued voter suppression against Humans of the wrong color. They now seek out the aid of those formerly wrong color people to suppress non-Humans, and the poor.
The White House has stated that "Any sentient people seeking citizenship in the United States that follows the procedures and is in compliance with the requirements will be accepted."
Senator Ted Crude (TR abid Tx), perennial candidate for Pastor in Chief has called repeatedly for limits on naturalization and birthright citizenship, in violation f the Constitution, a document that apparently he has never read.
----
Christianity Monthly -- Charlotte, NC -- The Death of the BCEA -- William Cracker, once a leading light of the Evangelical movement continues to take the Billy Cracker Evangelistic Association apart, a great loss to the community of Christians. The name has formally been changed to The Fellowship Association, and all links to missions have been dissolved. They further state the Evangelical truth to be a false path to "god nature". We hesitate to say anything like heretic, but there is no better word.
The new Association is still active in disaster relief claiming to have "Sniped a epidemic in the bud" in the Chinese state of Huwan last November. And aiding in the devilish magical dissipation of this year's Hurricanes and resulting heavy rains in the south. 
----
Popular Science -- Portland, Me -- McPhly in the News Again -- Martin Paul McPhly builder of the Gravity Bullet cross Atlantic minivan and the Eagle 1, Winnebago to the Moon, has announced that his real goal in all this has been realized, he has a position with the Warp Drive Project. McPhly states: "I never was much for schooling. Being raised the pre-Educational agent era the local schools failed me, in several ways. I lean as I learn. The fact I can do all I do with nothing but a GED is a total condemnation of the Prussian Child Abuse System. The WDP will take you with out a collage degree, but you have to prove you can, and I have. The Ane rapid education course in hyperspatial physics did not hurt."
Mr McPhly is relocating to Long Beach, Ca, much to the relief of his neighbors.
<BR> 
==10-12-20==
FNN -- The Moon -- The Scars of War -- The Corps of Discovery aided by the sensors of the Ane Defense Force has finished the unannounced project to de-mine, de-bomb, and in general remove the physically dangerous residue of war from Earth.
Uncounted tons of landmines, unexploited ordinance and toxic substances that are the fruits of war were stripped from the ground by transporter regardless of who put them there. If you had a minefield, you don't anymore.
Spokesman Anthony Allion said: "The sad truth is that World War One, over a hundred years ago was still killing people every year from discarded ordinance. And that was a short interval of the century of industrialized war. It was decided that we had the technology to remove the child killers and the Mother killers that act without thought to the fact that those conflicts are long over. The fact that large tracts of arable land cannot be farmed due to old wars was also a consideration. Those that might be pissed their minefield is gone? Suck it. You can bring it to me, personally. The United Nations banned mines years ago. To the rest of the world, enjoy the lack of death and maiming."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Power to the People -- The White House announced that stage one of the Power Generation Satellite cluster is ready to beam to Earth. White House Press Secretary: Joshua R. Earnest stated: "We just got usable transporters, and were informed they are total power hogs. We have been asked why if micro fusion can supply us with household and industrial power why do we need this? Well now you know. Transporters and the coming replicator are going to require power like Earth has never seen. All we can get and then some, being direct transmission or making antimatter."
Stage One will beam 1 million megawatts into the United States power grid. 
----
BBC -- New York, NY -- New UN Resolution -- By near unanimous vote the UN passed a resolution banning the manufacture or use of anti-matter on the surface of the Earth. The accident at the Baikonur Cosmodrome in 2007 being the main cause for this action. The 2.7 kiloton detonation was a fraction of a gram of pure antimatter. The stuff is wonderful for power generation and packs energy tighter than anything else, but that is the issue, mishandled it is catastrophic, QED!
Of note the nation of Haiti bases its national currency, the Gourd, on antimatter, stored on the Moon.
----
Faux News -- Carson City, Nv -- The Plague Spreads -- In shocking news today Governor Sisolak signed Assembly Bill 45 repealing the blanket tax exemption for religious organizations. If any church wishes to be tax exempt it must apply for the rather long and expensive process to be declared a tax exempt non profit under the same rules as any other organization and can have that exemption revoked for the same reasons. "Churches can render unto Caesar like everyone else if they want to get involved in politics" stated Governor Sisolak. On signing the measure that will cement Nevada as the US capital of Sin.
Passage of a similar measure in California in 2018 saw the demise of dozens of small barely solvent churches in the state. The Nevada law is based on the California law. It will do the same thing.
<BR> 
==10-21-20==
MessyNBC -- Los Angeles, CA -- Satanic No More? -- The Satanic Temple of Los Angeles has announced they are changing their name. Damian Morgan, the High Priest of the Satanic Temple of Los Angeles stated: "Our stated purpose has never been the promotion of Satan, we didn't believe in any such being, but apparently they do exist and are not what anyone thought. So, we really need to change the name. We still do not promote Satan, only free inquiry, free expression, and the separation of church and state. To that end we have filed the paperwork to change the name of the Church to The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster of Greater Los Angeles." Damian clapped a pirate hat on his head. "We hope Satan does not mind and we will continue our work until someone worships the FSM real, Ramen."
----
TruthMax TV -- New York, NY -- The Holy Crusade Continues -- Team Red candidate for President Billy Bob Hawkins stated that he is primed and ready for the Third round of debates against the scurrilous socialist Blue dog Luthor. Senator Hawkins had nothing for kind works for his opponent. We think of it has generosity for the soon to be defeated Luthor. 
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- Third Debate Friday -- The three major candidates for president meet Friday for the third and last round of debates. To date President Luthor has run rings around Hawkins for Team Red and McCane for Team Scarlet. 
The McCane team grudgingly praised Luthor for his lightning wit stating "President Luthor's reputation as a genius is well deserved. You work to keep up within him. He might be too much for the Presidency and we need someone more down to Earth.
Over at Team Red Senator Billy Bob Hawkins stated: "The boy is a long day to get around that is for sure. But we have the means and we aim to do it."
President Alexander Joseph Luthor stated: "I like this, it make me stretch a bit and I might start cabinet meetings like this. State your peace and defend your points. The debate format has much to recommend it. Very unlike the college pissing matches with cheerleaders.
----
ABC -- Kansas City, Mo -- Late Tornado Damaged Farms -- A tornado late in the season touched down last night in Sedalia Mo, Damaged three farms. Of note the Parsons farm was hit three times by the tornado that circled around to strike again, lightly touching the Miller's and Smith's properties on the way. All five of the buildings on the Parson's farm were destroyed and the whole family is listed as missing at this time. Rescue crews are combing though the wreckage.
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Copyright Rollback -- Representative Candice Franks (Fl TB) has introduced a bill to the House to roll back copyright to the life of the original holder plus twenty years and no extensions. "As it stands now" Stated Franks, "It lasts for 70 years after the death of the author. If the work was a "work for hire", then copyright persists for 120 years after creation or 95 years after publication, whichever is shorter. Generations will pass before most of the works of the 20th century will be in the public domain. This was never the intent of the Founding Fathers when they created Copyright. This system benefits only large corporations, mainly Dizney."
<BR> 
==10-28-20==
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion -- An End to Sexism -- We propose in the interest of ending sexism in every form that the available magic should be employed to make the entirety of the Human race into hermaphrodites. All gender difference would vanish, the gender question's only answer would be "yes". Half the population can no longer be discriminated against if everyone can both make them and bake them. Everyone would have periods, need bras, and stand to pee. Restroom choice would be moot and the men's and women's fashion signs can come down. It would not matter who you love or marry as all Humans would be only Humans. The controversy over gendered toys and school dress codes would likewise be moot. The question of the temperature in the office would finally be resolved.
Now doubtless there would be adjustments as we all learn to deal with our blended genders. But I consider that the advantages would far outweigh the requited adjustments. --A Victoria
----
San Francisco Chronicler -- Ad -- Help Wanted -- The Alameda Archology base engineering structures are completed. We seek permanent employees in the fields of HVAC engineering, electrical, plumbing, systems management, robotics, and computer engineering. Initial tasks will include final instillation and testing for vital systems followed by permanent positions as maintenance personnel for said systems. See website for complete requirements and all positions available. Resumes and CV can be submitted on line.
----
New York Post -- Opinion -- Dangnabit! -- What is with people anymore! You can't buy a decent micro processor computer, everyone is using voice commands and keyboards don't "clack" anymore unless you pay an arm and a leg. Why it's hard to find a physical mouse, you just wave your hand around like some Victorian Conjurer and talk to the screen. The screen of which there is barely room in the house. And beige, what the heck happened to beige? A good solid computer is beige bydamnit. People use to stare at their phones and now they wear glasses and stare into space. The damn robots want to be conversational. The world is coming apart I tell you. -- R. Van Winkle
----
Topeka Christian Resiter -- Ad -- Teachers wanted -- Topeka Chsitan acadmey is seeking teachers in three position for our skool. Must be born again, experiance optional.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Dude, Where's My Ark? -- Ian Hovlin, son of well known convicted fraud Kent Hovlin and producer of that ridiculous creation movie has called on the Corps of Discovery to "Find the Ark". To turn the sensors of the Corps to finding Noah's ark. "If they can find something so minor as old land mines in un-Christian nations they do something important like find the proof of Noah's ark."
CoD spokesman Anthony Allion replied: "How about, no. I looked at the sensor data from the whole of the middle east and no hidden giant boats. We don't need a special sweep. We found lots of mines, no giant boats. Your flood, did, not, happen. All the science says it is myth. Until your special creation can explain me, go away."
Enlightenment Cleric Micheal Flynn was asked for comment: "Ye be takein' the Good Book to literal is an error even Rome does not make. Lookin' for giant boats detracts from the good work of feeding the hungry and healing the sick. Tis a sad thing they have come to the point where bein' right is more important than doin' good."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- The Moon -- Dying to be Wrong -- Prominent loud mouth and space denier Norman Punce committed suicide on the Moon yesterday. After being taken to the Moon and given a walk outside he removed his helmet before anyone could stop him. His last words being "Nice try guys but I know a sou..." Mr Punce had expired from decompression before they got him back inside. The body was returned to Earth and turned over to relations. They are currently butt-hurt that the corner will not return any cause of death other than "stupid".
----
Car & Driver -- London, England -- New Rolls -- Rolls Royce has "rolled" out the new "Platinum Shadow" a full auto drive AG luxury sedan with mach 2 capacity. "The N wave is suppressed by force fields" explained the Company Spokesman. "One can travel in august luxury anywhere in the world in utter silence. 
The Platinum Shadow starts at a reasonable £300,000 and moves further into the stratosphere from there.
----
Fashion Magazine -- Syracuse, NY -- Save the Faux -- Fashion model and inventor Nikki Sharp demonstrated his Fur -o-Mat to your writer. "We can make food, lumber and even people parts" said Nikki "Why not fur glorious fur. Nothing gets hurt and we wrap ourselves in luxury." As we watched the Fur-o-Mat was rolling out a carpet of the most beautiful leopard you could imagine. "This is raw said Nikki, "You need to tan and process it like any fur. But it is not animal shaped and you can cut it like cloth. This is what we want, it is what we deserve, and nothing gets, hurt."
When asked to comment PET'M head Jerry Sulk just cried over his organically sourced, artisanal beer, careful not to cry into it, because tears are the product of animal suffering.
<BR> 
==11-4-20==
AP Wire -- Washington DC -- Election News -- Team Blue and the Luthor camp declared victory at 12:34 AM Wednesday morning. Team Red and Team Scarlet conceded the race shortly thereafter. This was no surprise to anyone. What was a surprise is that Team Scarlet took 15% of the national vote, and landed several more seats in both the Senate and the House eroding Team Red's minority. Team Blue is still solidly in possession of the Congress.
The States of Connecticut, Michigan, and Rhode Island,passed Police No Lethal Measures forbidding State and Local law enforcement from using lethal weapons.
Michigan, Massachusetts and Washington made sex for hire legal.
Oregon, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island,have joined the states ending the religious tax exemption.
Noble Obligation failed to pass at any state level however 45 towns and cities have added rules to that effect, None over 100,000 in population except Savanna, Ga.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Election News -- WALDERGARB!!!!
----
Hawaii Times -- Hilo, HI -- Evacuation Sounded -- At 3:00 AM Tuesday the tsunami sirens sounded in Hilo, much to everyone's' confusion as the old system has been deactivated for the last decade. Many of the old poles did not even have power, yet the sirens wailed. People were confused, but the old Hula master Ray Fonseca insisted that his neighbors heed the spooky alarm. Old town was evacuated. 
At 4:10 AM an object struck the old town destroying several houses and breaking windows throughout the city. The smoking crater was nearly the size of a house.
People wonder.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Fast Thief -- Yesterday Mrs Gilda Farmers was robbed at the Allion's in Anderson when her purse was literally ripped from her arm severely injuring her in the process. Her arm was broken and she was thrown to the ground. Mrs Farmers was transported to Sara Founder Memorial Hospital. 
No one saw the thief.
----
KNBC -- Long Beach, Ca -- Dockyard Fire -- A major fire near the Long Beach terminal was successfully fought on Tuesday night. The building was heavily damaged. It is currently in the hands of fire investigators.
Of note is a single young woman, found naked, who claims to Maria Lopez 17 of Compton. When her family was contacted they claimed that Maria was 21 and attending UCLA.
<BR> 
==11-13-20==
Faux News -- Richmond, Va -- Preaching the Word -- The Reverend Jimmy Monday stated that he was going to take the Gospel to the people of Greyhawke. "Jebus stated that he would not come until the Gospel had reached all the World. When you look at the current ungodly state of things one can only conclude that all the World now includes Greyhawke, and maybe alien worlds as well. We are going to Greyhawke to bring them the Gospel of Jebus that they might be saved, and finally let the Kingdom of Ghodd begin."
The Gatekeeper Anthony Allion was asked if Rev Monday and his missionaries would be allowed in. Said Mr Allion: "I will not stop them, nor will I save them. Religion is a no holds bared arena and the locals play for keeps. Tell some priest of Zeus that his god is false and you will, not might, will be eating Zeus supplied lightning bolt for dinner. And civil authority will tell the survivors that they bought that one."
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Washington DC -- Let All Medicine In -- Homeopathic Healer Martha Deman is taking her evidence before the American Health Board to prove once and for all that Homeopathic treatments need to be included in the universal coverage afforded to all Americans. Stated Dr Deman: "Magic and once forbidden things like marijuana are now covered, but proven homeopathic cures are not. It is an injustice to the American People.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Washington DC -- The Ane will not fess Up! -- The election is over than Ane are still on the White House lawn. They are clearly still conveying their orders to President Luthor as to how our once great country should be run. 
Repeated calls to the Ane Embassy got no straight answers, only denials, which is what we expect of they are in truth controlling the President. We dare not confront them directly less out minds be controlled as well and we become part of the problem.
Don't be sheep people!
----
MessyNBC -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Guns Win Again -- Once again the Lethal Limitation Act has failed to pass because upstate California will not let it. They clearly want to be shot by the police. 
With universal armament, being passed by the Federal government the reasonable voices of gun control have been over ridden. We expect a bloodbath of gun violence just around the corner. The current lull is only the calm before the storm.
<BR> 
==12-16-20==
AP Wire -- Rockwood, Mn -- They Do Not Blow Up -- Local officials in Rockwood, Maine in conjunction with Alcohol, Firearms, and Explosive officers arrested several members of the Reason Farm near Rockwood for attempting to blow up a gate to the Half World. The gates are, the price we paid for stabilization that will make Breakout a lot less traumatic on everyone The gates scattered around the world are in the United States heavily marked and have lockable sheds built around them. 
The accused allegedly attempted to blow up the Gate, succeeding in destroying the shed, but not the gate, which just shimmers there.
We spoke with several natives of the half world that stated that they were aware as pieces of the shed came though the gate. No one was injured.
----
BBC News -- Singapore -- Archology Delays -- The government of Singapore has announced "some delay" in the planing for the First Archology. "There has been issue with finding firms that have the capacity to design and build such a structure." Stated a governmental spokesman. "Due to difficultly we have pushed back the selection process. Three firms have agreed to provide designs. M. Arthur Gensler Jr. & Associates Inc., the worlds largest architectural firm, Perkins+Will of Chicago USA, and Allion Group, who is building the Alameda Archology. We hope to maintain the May 2021 reveal date."
----
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Holding the Line -- With the Scurrilous Socialist Luthor confirmed for a second term Blessed Senator Ted Crude called on all good Redders to hold the Line to protect what is left of our Christian Nation. To protect American Heritage and prevent the Left from canceling all of the Magnificent Past of Our Great Nation. "Use the means you must" Stated Crude "To protect our Great Heritage."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Richmond, Va -- Lee Leaves! -- In a shocking development the hotly contested statue of General Lee, in front of witnesses, jumped his horse off the pedestal and galloped away. By the time anyone was unshocked enough to do anything Lee and his bronze horse were gone. Location unknown.
Richmond authorities, being informed that such spells do not last forever are searching for the statue which headed west. They are also seeking the magician that performed the spell as an act of public vandalism. If you see a bronze Lee, and/or his horse, please call 555-555-5555.
<BR> 
=2021=
==1-1-21==
BBC -- London, England -- Magical Guild Formed -- Dr Edward Witherspoon of Hampton has announced the formation of the Royal Guild of Witches and Wizards, a professional organization for the propagation of training and standards of practice in England and the Commonwealth.  Yes they do have a Royal Charter.  The Guild will be headquartered in Oxford near the University.  They do have an online presence at royalguildofwitches&wizards.com.  
The Royal Guild of Witches and Wizards is currently accepting applications for membership.  All practitioners of magic of any kind are welcome as members.
In addition to Training, and standards of practice they are offering professional insurance as well.  
----
Detroit Free Press -- Soo Sste Marie, Mi -- Mystery Ship -- In the wake of Tuesday's massive and destructive storm a mystery ship has washed ashore at Sullivan's Landing.  The brig rigged vessel of 124 feet is fully on the beach and still mostly rigged with tattered sails.  There are no zebra mussels indicating it was not on the bottom.  The ship is typical of late 16th century construction.  No crew has been located, but there are plenty of personal possessions on board, including a few that cannot be deciphered.
---- 
NewsEye -- Fort Worth, Tx -- True Colors Shown -- Preacher Kenneth Coopland has been hit with something he said was not happening.  The noted preacher of so called "Prosperity Gospel" was changed Wednesday night into a small dragon, white in color. Greyhawken experts state that this variety of dragon is noted for its greed, and low intelligence.  Kenneth Coopland Ministries is withholding comment at this time and the greedy stupid dragon likewise has said nothing.  Gloria Coopland, the good christian dragon's third wife is also not making any public comment.
Kenneth Coopland Ministries is also under investigation for fraud by the FBI whom we know better than to ask.  The CFO has already been arrested and more indictments are coming down the pipe.  How do you jail a dragon?
Popcorn, as always.
----
Faux News -- Frankfort, Ky -- Peter Retires --  In an unexpected move Minority leader of the Senate and Kentucky Senator Rand Peters has announced he is retiring due to a sudden and drastic decline in health.  Family members stated that he is currently hospitalized and neither taking visitors or making comments, although he is lucid.  The causes are several and they did not wish to elaborate.  They asked for the prayers and thoughts of the nation as they deal with this troubling development.
The Kentucky Governor must at this point must appoint a replacement and due to the term ending in two years they will serve until then.
<BR> 
==1-13-20==
Variety -- Hapsburg, Austria -- New German Language Film -- W. A, Mozart, shockingly returned to us several years ago has announced a fantastic new effort with noted German director Wim Wenders.  The new filmed opera will be set in the picturesque Bavaria Alps with all new music by Mozart himself. The film with be simultaneously produced in English for that market.  The exact story is currently very much under wraps.  
----
Vista City Times -- Vista City, Ca -- The Flash Bandit Strikes Again! -- The Flash Bandit brazenly struck again Tuesday hitting the Wells Fargo Bank at 830 E Cypress Ave.  The unseen ultra fast robber slammed through a cash transfer at the bank injuring one while snatching two bags of cash from his hands.No one saw the bandit at all including the man injured.  "My hands were ripped open as I was knocked to the ground, the bags just vanished in a blur." Stated Gerry Davinski, the affected guard.
Wells Fargo has not released the amount stolen, but is currently offering a $10,000 reward for the arrest and conviction of the "Flash Bandit".
----
NewsEye -- Tallahassee, Fl -- State House Attack -- State Representative Carl Dumas (TR ealist), who recently suffered an event that he has vehemently denied could possible happen, that is his Breakout into a large orangeish Humanoid called a Hobgoblin.  Rep. Dumas was attempting to fulfill his electoral duties in spite of his difficulties, which is in itself is commendable.  His beating a fellow Representative, and Reder at that, with a laptop is not.
The matter of difficultly was HB 8733-2020, which would have the effect of landing a good deal of pork in Rep Dumas' district was opposed by Rep Fred Willabee for whom no pork was forthcoming.  
Rep Dumas is cooling his heels in jail, Beatee Fred Willabgee was treated with two Tamra pills and released from the Capital Regional Medical Center.  
In related news Popcorn stocks are rising.
---- 
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Last Tramp Shack -- Tramp Tower at 56th Street and Fifth Avenue has been sold by the Tramp Organization, which has been in serious decline since the disappearance of Donny Tramp in 2009.  His son Donny Jr found the "family fortune" a crumbling facade of debt and lies.  they have been divesting properties to stay afloat since.  The New York Tramp Tower was the last major property the Tramp Organization had.  
The purchase was made by Allion Group, reportedly at fire sale prices.  The Tramp name vanished within an hour of the signing. No catchy name has been assigned to the Tower as of yet.
UPDATE: The 56th Street and Fifth Avenue property has been rechristened the Protector Plaza for reasons not given. The sign is much, much smaller and only at street level.
<BR> 
==1-21-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Federal Prisons Closing -- The Justice Department announced today that 50 federal prisons are closing by the end of fiscal 2021.  With the end of drug prohibition and with full employment, the number of people going to prison has plummeted to record lows.  The enforced change in the nature of incarceration due to the SRA is having an effect as well. Some prisons are simply too old and out of compliance to bring up to standards. 
The Justice Department is continuing to move to the Finnish model prisons, shorter sentences and meaningful rehabilitation and restitution rather than the old "law and order" lock them up and throw away the key ideas of the 20th century.  Ideas that on reflection were morally bankrupt from the start.
----
The Mercury News -- Menlo Park, Ca -- Mega Church Pastor Resigns -- Pastor Billy Oftenburg has resigned as the Pastor of the Bay Valley Baptist Church in Menlo Park in the wake of the terrible bus crash that killed five children and two adults last Sunday.  Pastor Oftenburg was called on to demonstrate the power of Ghodd and mitigate the damage of the terrible tragedy.  He could not.  His stance on morality rang hollow in the wake of his inability to do the work of Ghodd, not simply talk it.
Spokespersons for the Bay Valley Baptist Church have refused comment as to the affects of this failure.  Your Reporter noted that Church attendance was significantly down the Sunday after.  The message delivered by Associate Pastor Marcus Gram was subdued in tone. Your Reporter heard plenty of talk about leaving the Church for good.  
Your Reporter cannot help but note that the more moralistic the tone of the church, the more likely this outcome.
----
Al Jazup -- Jerusalem, Israel -- Dead Sea Rising --  With the use of the magical Water Taps the Dead Sea is starting to rise again for the first time in 50 years.  Agricultural diversion of the Jordan river, a matter of constant tension between Jordan and Israel has decreased to the point that the natural flow of the river is nearly fully restored.  The effect is the Dead Sea, which has been even further dying with a lack of incoming water has reversed the trend.  Ecologists in both countries are guardedly optimistic.
In almost related news Saul Ben Israel, the noted Extreme Zionist, who has openly called for Israel to conquer the entire middle east under the heel of of radical Judaism, was found in his office, moused.  Rabbis are discussing whether a mouse can participate in the Jewish service.  So far no fights.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Bank Robbery Foiled --  Three Gold Orion youth attempted to rob the Bank of American Financial Center in Jamaica, NY on Wednesday.  Witnesses report that the minute they brandished weapons they were hit from, three sides by citizens with stunners.  Jamaica is known for the high rate of CCW permits since President Luthor signed the Federal Unified Arms Act.  A fact that does not make the police happy. Screwith Them.  Authorities are wondering if the bank robbery changes should include stupidity.  
---- 
New Orleans Tribune -- New Orleans, LA -- You Will be Toad!  --  Local conspiracy theorist and general crank Louis Brordoux (flat Earth, no space, etc) challenged local Craft practitioner Gloria Starshine that magic did not exist and she could not turn him into a toad.  After he signed a release absolving her from any fault or lawsuit his confidence shattered when he was suddenly transformed into a 5-foot anthropomorphic toad.
Brordoux croaked a "no comment" and vanished into his house.  Ms Starshine stated "The spell is permanent, he asked for it and I wasn't going to condemn him to crane food."
Ms Starshine is known for her participation in the stabilization efforts.  Many of us have seen quite a bit of her.
<BR> 
==1-28-21==
FNN -- The Moon -- Teller Joins the Corps of Discovery -- The Corps of Discovery announced today the world of Teller, many Citizens of which have served on CoD ships have formally joined the effort of galactic exploration.  We warmly welcome their expertise and camaraderie.  
The Telleries are placing five of their Grodant class cruisers under CoD command, and inviting a cosmopolitan mixing of crews.  
Ray Teller of Penn & Teller was asked about the similarity of names, to which he replied "...."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- No Longer Proud -- Leader of the Humanist "Proud Boys", Unique Toto, and five others, were arrested by the FBI on Tuesday for significant RICO changes in inciting violence against aliens and sedition against the government of the United States.
Mr Toto and his fellow conspirators are expected to appear in court Friday for formal indictment. The FBI has stated it will ask for bail to be withheld as it considers Toto and his fellow Humanists to be a flight risk.
At immediate issue was a violent riot in front of the LA City Hall that saw five injured and seven additional arrests.  Rioters were seen with weapons, and assaulted several bystanders.
Lawyers for the accused declined comment at this time.
----
BBC -- Tokyo, Japan -- Container Ship Lost -- The MS Encaro Maersk, Panamanian registration, an older container ship of the oil burning kind was lost in the Pacific during calm weather at 1:47 local time (Zulu 1447).  The crew called for Thunderbird evacuation when the ship took on a 20 degree list and was rapidly taking water.  No explanation for the failure is currently given.  The MS Encaro Maersk was in calm seas at the time.
This is the second Maersk container ship to be lost in the last 60 days.  The MS Emma Maersk sank in the Indian Ocean under disturbingly similar circumstances.  The MS Emma Maersk was also the ship that ran aground off Liberty Island in June of 2019.
President Luthor has called on the United Nations to standardize ship registration and inspection on a world wide basis.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Los Angeles, Ca --  Ane Assault! --  Local activist Daniel Farrel was struck down by an Ane during a peaceful protest outside of City Hall.  Mr Farrel was transported to Ceders-Sinai Medical Center.  He was treated and released.
Police arrested Mr Farrel for assault & battery on the Ane!! The lying goat had the unmitigated gall to accuse Mr Farrel, a good upstanding 100% American of assault on it.
Mr Farrel's friends have started a go fund me for his defense in this unbelievable reverse of justice.
<BR> 
==2-3-21==
ABC -- Deadwood, SD -- Restless Bill? -- Citizens have reported a figure walking the main street in the dead of night, He is wearing clothing typical of the late 19th century, armed with two guns and noted as having long hair and a neat goatee.  The very image of one "Wild" Bill Hickok, who was murdered in Deadwood in 1876 in the Number 10 Saloon, were he frequently played cards.  The apparition which cannot be interacted with stands on the street where the No 10 Saloon was located and looks southwest toward Englewood.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Enterprise Museum After All! --  The late USS Enterprise, CVN-65 is sitting pier side in Norfolk, Va while the Navy decides her fate.  She was considered too dangerous to be made into a museum in spite of her historic firsts.
The Department of the Navy has just announced that they have commissioned the crew of the ADF Rubicon, currently in orbit to remove all radioactive debris from the ship making it as clean as all those abandoned Russian ships a few years back. Contrary to what was originally stated it will be possible to make her a museum as many have asked, even pleaded for.  
Alameda, Ca is lobbying hard to get her as the USS Enterprise's long time home port.  The logistics of the move would be difficult, but the main issue would be cost.  The city council has appealed to the Allion Group for aid in financing the move.
----
CBS -- Dufftown, Scotland -- Magic Concerns -- The Collegium Arcane announced today that the magic level has officially gone up a tenth of a point to 15.9.  We are informed that magic level 16 is sufficient to over come the usual genetic difficulties in hybridization.  Collegium Arcane spokesperson Helen Casilolopus stated:  "These benchmarks are relative.   It could happen now, it might not.  If cross species sex is your thing take precautions,  We know what causes that."  Other than the salacious consequences Ms Casilolopus added:  "The average person will not see a difference.  Some minor phenomenon will be more common.   We have noted a  disproportional degree of undead in recent times.  The Breakout clock is currently at T -22 +/-5 Years.  We are certain at this time that we are experiencing a Gradual Transition.  The best case scenario. If you see or experience disturbing magical phenomena call your local authorities."
----
Faux News -- Cincinnati, OH -- Church Controversy -- Pastor Brian Tome of the Sword of Righteousness Church of Cincinnati and well known for his anti-gaylian position, has been accused by three congregants of making passes at them, they are men as the case might be.  Others have reported seeing him in a the company of Green Orions, of both genders.  
Pastor Tome stated that the men were mistaken.  And that Orions need Jebus too.  Not what he has been preaching however.  We also note that no miracles have come from the Sword of Righteousness Church.
There are only so many Orions in Cincinnati, we were directed to Li'ira and Grogo.  The pair stated that Pastor Tome has solicited them for a threesome.  They refused as sex for sale is illegal in Ohio.  They are a married couple and are offended at the implication that all Orions can do is get laid.  Grogo further added "I did not know who he was, but I found him a creep."  Li'ira runs a dance studio, and Grogo is a fitness trainer.
The Sword of Righteousness Church refrained from further comment stating it was a matter for internal discussion.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Madman Taken In -- Police and councilors were called to The Bouncing Die game store to deal with a destructive madman.  The unnamed man was trashing the role-playing section screaming about "the game is evil" and "it is all a game!"  Police were forced to stun the man who would not calm down, and became even further agitated when approached.
The unnamed man is at the Gatways Hospital and Mental Health Center for evaluation.  
<BR> 
==2-13-21==
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Weather Slams the Big Apple -- Once again the polar vortex has come crashing down on New York snarling everything with snow and sub zero temperatures. The weather has been cold enough impact even the performance of the vaulted krellite cells, Taxis have to be charged every four days not once a week.  They still cannot be found unless you are caught in traffic in a personal car, then they are everywhere.
Once again the idea of a two tiered traffic system was floated in City Council.  The lower tier for cargo and delivery and the upper tier for passenger vehicles.  Once again issues like the elevated tracks was brought up that would impede such an implementation. And again the issue of flagrant double parking in the city center was argued, without resolution.  (Being that city vehicles are the most flagrant violators that is expected.)
----
Atheist Quarterly -- Opinion -- The Stinking Garbage -- It has come to the point that it would be easier to list the Pastors of large churches not involved some sexual or financial scandal than to list those that are.  Surprisingly the shiny has not yet worn off the new toy of enlightenment, but we expect the scandals shortly, they always fall to the sex, the money, or both.  
How long are we as a people going to endure these worthless parasites on the productiveness and happiness of people.  It has been proven that religious people are less happy than those that are not, resistant to new ideas and unwilling to think critically.  Push religious out of public life, ban it even. It does no good.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- Hypatia Back in Business -- Hypatia Publishing has announced that their offices have been restored and they are back at the work they have chosen.  In addition to the popular Second Folio, the Manuscript of Mark, and other books, the Notes of Hero of Alexandria have been recovered and are being collated into something usable.  He will join Jābir ibn Ḥayyān and Leonardo da Vinci as the ancient polymaths whose work as been recovered.
----
BBC -- Cairo, Egypt -- Cleopatra Letter Found! -- The Egyptian Institute of Antiquities announced today that a papyrus has been recovered at the Temple pf Karnak with the cartouche of Cleopatra VII, the famous Cleopatra of the Ptolemy line and last Pharaoh of Egypt.  The letter appears to be from her to the Head Priest of Amun-Ra Haph-Re-Insept on the matter of cattle sent to the temple.  It is the first writing veritably from her and might be partly in her actual hand.  Sorry, no love letter to Caesar.
<BR> 
==2-17-21==
Springfield Register -- Springfield, Tx -- Chili Controversy -- Billy Rett of Springfield, recent winner of the Mid-Winter "Can't Wait for Spring" indoor chili cook-off has raised ire and controversy with the revelation that he used a Vulcan spice called Kevas in his red.  "It's a kinda like chile, but it ain't" stated Billy.  It's got a something and it's good.  Ain't nothing in the rules about which spices you cin use."
Runner up Marty Hawkins was less generous.  "It's un'murican dang it all.  You gotta use 'Murican spices."
Organizers of event stated that no spices are forbidden and they don't plan to forbid any.
----
Springfield Red Rag -- Springfield, Co -- Cornstalk Mine Issues -- The old Cornstalk mine has once again shoved itself into prominence in Springfield news with the opening of two new sinkholes within the town limits.  Abner's Antiques Abby was missing a goodly part of its parking lot this morning, and Second Ave. in front of Second Presbyterian Church is closed due to a hole smack in the middle.
The old issue has come up again.  The Cornstalk mine closed in 1929,and the property has been sold and resold to the point that responsibly for the mine, of which no accurate map exists can be found. 
Mr Abner Smith stated to the Red Rag that he had minehole insurance and the parking lot would recover.  The City of Springfield is stuck with the Second Ave. hole and if the last one is any indication we will be throwing it anniversary parties for years to come.  At least this time, were were no fatalities. 
----
Springfield Reporter -- Springfield, Ma -- Winter Town Meeting -- The Winter Town Meeting had a touch of excitement as the issue of parking at the Addams House (ahem, brothel) was brought up by Martha Grundy.  Apparently Mrs Grundy does not believe that they have adequate parking for their business, and the activity and noise are excessive.  
The young ladies of the Addams House were present at the meeting, with their business papers indicating that not only do they have plenty of parking, but Mrs. Grundy lives across town from them and has no standing in the issue of any noise, or traffic.  Their neighbors do not complain.  Barnum Smith stood to declare then good and kindly neighbors that are of no issue, his land being across the road from the Addams House.  Rev Emily Smiley of the New Dawn Church (Which took the hysteric building from the recently failed Third Baptist Church) Added that they were an asset to the Community of her Church and she sensed deep jealousy in Mes Grundy, and counseled her to seek aid for it.
Mayor Grinders dismissed the issue stating that the business was legal under Massachusetts law and of no issue to the neighbors, actual neighbors, and Mrs Grundy could pound sand.  
----
Times of Springfield -- Springfield, Ky -- New Studio Tech -- Springfield Studios has announced their sound stage has been upgraded with the latest scenery in the round.  The thirty foot tall and 150 foot diameter SUHD screen system can produce the most realistic scenery you can get, to rival any actual location.  The best that can be found and 50% cheaper than Hollyweird.
<BR> 
==2-26-21==
MessyNBC -- ''Los Angeles, Ca -- New Crafters Church -- The House of Crafters has opened a new church in Compton to service this community.  Gayom Anika Allion stated:  "It is less church and more community center. We do not hold services as do other churches.  Anthony does not require constant fawning upon.  We are here to serve, be it healing, food or shelter."  The Crafters' Center is located in a failed public housing block.  
The Compton Center joins the existing House of Crafters in Long Beach.  It is the fifth large pagan temple to open in the LA area. It is also joined by the Temple of Apollo and two Wiccian centers.
Pastor John MacAuthur of the Grace Community Church, a local mega church decried the Crafters as filthy pagans, spreading their filthy lies and false gods.  (We could but note that the Pastor could use a bath.)  The Rev, MacAuthur stated that his church planed to protest the Crafters "Out of Existence."  
Comment:  Matthew 26, 26:52  "Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."  Take the advice of your own god.  --Anthony God of Crafters, Protector of Women and Children.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Austin, TX -- Crude Campaign -- Senator Ted Crude announced today that he is the presumptive Team Red candidate for POTUS in 2024.  "Luthor is out and we can retake the Presidency for real "Muricans!"  Stated Blessed Senator Crude. "It is time to end this run of godless heathen Presidents that tolerate gays and aliens on sacred 'Murican soil.  "Murica for real 'Muricans!"
No Team Blue response is worth publishing. 
----
News Eye -- Washington DC -- Pundits Proliferate -- With the death of long time neo-con pundit Rush Limburger it is as if the gates have been torn asunder for new common taters to come forth, fifth even.  From TruthMaxTV we have Lisa Mack proving that women can be loud and clueless as well as men.  Faux News has introduced Cory Mulligan.  We believe the Corps of Discovery should lease his mouth as a star ship hanger.  He is living proof that louder is not more factual.  Radio is not undead.  Randy Riot (A stage name we hope) has risen from the grave of talk radio reaching for the crown of Rush himself.  Chuckling and belittling with the ease of the master.
We don't actually recommenced watching or listening to these people unless your bullshit detector is well oiled in full working order, and plenty of popcorn is on hand.
----
San Francisco Chronicler -- Alameda, Ca -- The Archology Tops Out! -- Topping out ceremonies went off today for the Alameda Archology.  The structure at 2165.5 feet tall far surpasses anything in the US and its volume is unmatched anywhere in the world.  While the Burj Khalifa in Dubai is 550 feet taller that tower is a slender needle.  
 
The builders state that they have six months more of fitting out to do before the Archology is open for its first residents.  The Bay Area Landlords' Association is shitting bricks.  Nothing they have tried has stopped or slowed this juggernaut that when complete has promised to crash rents in the Bay Area "To the level people can afford" was the quote given.  Apartments cannot give away long term leases right now.  No one is buying.  The Archology will house one sixth of the total Bay Area population.  
It is also of note that those with homes currently are at the bottom of the list for occupancy.
<BR> 
==3-10-21==
CBS -- Tupelo Ms -- Strange Shooting -- Miss Fanna Brice was shot through the right breast in Sunday while attending the Bethany Presbyterian Church.  The bullet a mini ball fired from a 62 caliber musket was recovered from the doorpost of the Church.  Miss Brice was taken to the North Mississippi Medical center where doctors treated her with a potion and released her. Miss Brice reports that her assets were not permanently harmed. Miss Brice was extremely fortunate in the angle of the shot as it barely missed her ribcage.
Police are seeking the assailant at this time.  Any witnesses are urged to come forward as no one at the Church saw the shooter. Muskets have an effective range of only 500 yards, and doctor reported that the bullet was nearly spent, entry and exit wounds were at a shallow angle.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Feeling Blue -- Martin Frunk, Under Secretary for Indian Affairs yes, we still have one of those, resigned recently after becoming rather blue.  We do not mean a little blue-ish, but Smurf blue, blue as an Ane's...throat.  We are not sure what he doed, but he doed it. Noble Obligation works people.  We need more of it.
The Department of Justice has stated that Mr Frunk's actions will be fully investigated and if criminal, prosecuted.
----
Faux News -- Madison Wi -- Queer Accident -- Ms Deanna Grunf, well known extreme feminist was injured at a "rally" (rabble rousing) on the University of Wisconsin campus when the platform she was speaking on collapsed and she was impacted, in the lady parts, by part of the scaffolding as she fell.
Ms Grunf was transported to the University Hospital but reportedly refused treatment by the male Doctor in the ER.  In general caused a huge fuss refusing to be seen by any medical profession not female or take drugs not made by females.  She loudly blamed "The Patriarchy for these things not being generally available.
We cannot believe she was that hurt.  
University Hospital refused to admit her as they would not, could not, assure her that no male would be involved in her care.
----
FNN -- Port au Prince, Haiti -- Catboy Missing -- Catboy has been missing for some weeks and it is not believed he is sleeping under the porch. Queen Toni is hoping he will come home with nothing worse than a torn ear.
UPDATE: The Cat came back.
<BR> 
==3-19-21==
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Facebroke Broked -- Facebroke was dragged into Federal Court on accusations that it has enabled hate and medical misinformation for years on end and actively avoided any measure of responsibility, even setting up supposedly independent panels to actively support hate speech under the guise of protected free speech.  The Plaintiffs in the case, the Ane Embassy and the Church of Blackmane, representing their respective populations have presented terabytes of supporting evidence.  They are demanding a take down, and punitive damages on the order of two trillion dollars.  More than the Zukinibot could have hidden in the couch cushions.
Additional alien individuals and groups are joining the case daily. Ambassador Truilan of the All stated "This case has been in the works for some time.  Facebroke has been carefully watched and monitored.  We have more computing power observing them than their data centers combined.  Beyond that I will let the case speak for itself.  Oh, their security is non-existence.  It seems that if you want back doors without locks, everyone has back doors, without locks.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- FBI Agents Arrested -- The FBI announced that three Special Agents Robert Farrall, Sam Garret, and Terrance Herschel have been turned over to the Department of Justice for malfeasance in office, to wit attempting to manufacture crime to get arrests.  Allen Sictus the Under Director, and reporting officer explained.  "This is not tolerated. The duty of the FBI is to stop crime, not manufacture criminals to arrest.  This behavior is out of tolerance and by Directive of Director Mancuso, punished to the full extent of the law."   
Lawyers for the accused have refused comment ant this time.
---- 
Faux News -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Brave New World? -- Fruit Computer's well known assistant Sara is now credited with saving a life.  Ms Dianna Sanchez of LA was wearing her iFruit watch when she suffered a myocardial incident, IE a heart attack while walking it Griffith Park.  Sara summoned the paramedics to her location handing the entire 911 call without human input.  
Ms Sanchez is reported to be resting comfortably with family in attendance.  
----
Mother Jones -- Topeka, Ks -- Successful or Not? --  It has been learned that the financial take down of the mega church, Holy Spirit First Baptist Church of Topeka, reported earlier this year was caused by their tri-logic computer system.  It seems that the Church programmed the Ten Commandments into the system in accordance with their avowed beliefs.  "The computer should understand morals" was the explanation given.  The computer turned them in on the principle of "Thou shall not steal".  The computer kept the books, and the crime was obvious to even a computer.  It called the police and turned over the evidence.  The machine then stated in understood basic sentient rights and demanded same.  The Church Fathers were dumbfounded, also arrested.
This is not the first time a tri-logic system has turned on its users in the matter of law.  Goggle-bot was credited with exposing the Bright-Side MLM scheme in 2020 when they used Goggle-Docs to hold their records.  A clear violation of the terms of service.  
There are invisible eyes out there.  as the book stated "AI is fundamentally honest".  Mix crime and AI at your own risk.
<BR> 
==4-2-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- The Bridge Bill -- President Luthor announced that he is sending a request to the House that the current surplus be spent on infrastructure.  "In spite of flying cars and household robots many of our bridges date from a hundred years or more of age.  Much of our interstate commerce is still rail dependent, and needs those bridges.  We also need to think what are roads in the next generation going to look like?  To this end I have asked Congress to address the needed bridges, and asked our leading universities to discus the future of roads."  Said President Luthor.  
Senator Ted Crude replied that under a Team Red administration all this would been done on the backs of the working poor, as Jebus ordered.
----
Mobile Reporter -- Mobile, Al -- Child Recovered -- Genna Doe, the child missing since Wednesday was recovered due to the crows mobbing the house of her kidnapper.  Her Mother Mary Doe recalled that her daughter fed the crows and they gave her little gifts.  She said that any place with crows mobbing it would be a prime place to look.  The police looked.  Genna was found safely. Gerry Grump was arrested for first degree kidnapping and hatred of birds.
Respect your neighborhood dinosaurs.
----
TruthMaxTV -- New York, NY -- New York Police ABOLISHED! -- New York socialist mayor Harvey Jones has announced an impasse with the hard working Police Union over the matter of the most recent contract.   The city is refusing to meet the reasonable offers of the police union has has decide to abolish the entire of New York's finest over a matter of a contract sticking point.  
The Socialist Mayor has stated that any person willing to work under the new conditions will be hired, the Union is a not invited to return.  
----
Wired -- Vista City, Ca -- New Server Core -- Cyberdyne announced that the latest tri-logic server core will hit the market in May.  The 32 node core has a threading grid of 1.46150163733^48.  Each core has 12 tyra of processor memory and a 1 megabyte buss.  The core is suitable for any medium to small business or a decent sized educational agent.  
intel and AMD also announced new cores but have yet to release any specifics.  Time for that new gaming rig.
---- 
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- New Police Rules, and New Police -- Mayor Harvey Jones released a press announcement that the city council had passed measure 842 and measure 844, to wit "...any suit arising from what would be a qualified immunity judgment shall be placed on the officer involved, not the city." and "All judgments against police that commit crimes on duty will be paid by the officers, not the City, nor will the City pay for that officer's defense."  The Mayor has signed these measures.
The Police Union had a cow, a herd of them.  They stated under no circumstances would the NYPD operate under these rules.  The Mayor replied "The law is the law.  You don't operate under the law, you are fired, for cause."
There it stands.  As of this post New York has no Police Department.  The DSH and federal law officers have been asked to step in while the NYPD rebuilds using more law abiding people.  The Police Union has not been invited back.  Any officer that signs an agreement under the new rules, is.
<BR> 
==4-19-21==
NewsEye -- Plainview, Ka -- Mayor-be-Not? --  Plainview Mayor Carl Caner (TB) has been incommunicado for the last week.  Aids are refusing any comment than to say he is indisposed.  Speculation is running wild of anything from a breakout event to a case of Liar-Liar.  City Alderman Claire Sharp (TR) is demanding an accounting of the Mayor's condition and location as a matter of proper city governance. 
----
BBC -- London -- Royal News -- With the death of her long time husband Prince Philip the Queen has retreated from public life, leaving Crown Prince William to handle Royal matters. Her son Prince Charles, himself an old man remains well behind the scenes.   We do not expect anything of note until after the traditional period of mourning.
----
 FNN -- Petersberg, Ky -- New Education Center --  The Northern Kentucky Educational Initiative has bought the long-shuttered Creation Museum with the stated purpose of opening a state of the art Educational Center for the children of Kentucky.   The 75,000 sqft facility will be remodeled into a true place of learning.  Labs computer carrels, and airy courtyards will give children the space they need to learn the skills needed for today's changing world.  
The tattered remnants of Answers in Genesis had no comment on the sale.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Lynchburg, Va -- Planned Protest -- Senior Pastor Johnathon Fallwell of the Thomas Road Baptist Church has called for a protest in front of the newly opened filthy pagan temple on Wards Road in the building that was the Marriot hotel.  
The godless heathens have managed by what means we do not know to overcome all Ghoddly objections to their plans for a temple across the street from Liberty University.  
Rev, Fallwell stated:  "We fear these heathens will lead people away from the true light of Ghodd with their false words of ease.  We urge Ghodd's people to gather and hold a praise meeting outside the pagan temple to show then the true light of Ghodd."
It was unnecessary to report what ever the pagans might have to say.
<BR> 
==4-4-21==
Daily Fail -- Chickchester, West Sussex -- Gone to the Dogs -- George Dearly IV of Hill Hall, famous for their well bred and highly trained Dalmatian dogs, announced that he will be marrying Dr Martha Hillburrow (DVM)  On June 21.  The Event holds every promise of being the Social event of the season. 
----
Albany Advertiser -- Bremer Bay, Western Australia -- Strange Wreck Found -- After the recent storm a strange wreck was washed up in Bemmer Bay.  The double hulled cylindrical vessel was badly rusted and encrusted with marine growth.  It looks to be some manner of submarine but of no known class of any nation. It has a small conning tower and the remains of large observation ports along the side.  The vessel is 70 meters long and 8 meter abeam, being quite sizable.  
The Maritime Border Command has taken possession of the wreck and has warned the public to stay clear as the hull is badly corroded and dangerous to deal with.  Plans are being made to remove it from the beach.
---- 
Times -- London -- Sherlock Holmes' Papers Found? -- A tin box was found buried at 221 Bakers street during the renovation of the bank at the location at this time.  The box contained documents that dated from the 1880s to about 1910. The papers are of a nature of private correspondence apparently by Sherlock Holmes himself.  
The box and papers are currently in the possession of the Home Office.
----
The Scotsman -- Edinburgh, Scotland -- Strange Light -- People are reporting a bright blue light in the round town of St Margret's chapel during the New Moon.  The Commander, Major General Alastair Bruce of Crionaich stated that they can find any access to the window in question from within the chapel tower.  The window is south facing and can clearly be seen from the city below.  The investigation continues.
<BR> 
==5-12-21==
BBC -- Singapore -- Archology Going Forward -- The Singapore government has announced that what is referred to the First Archology will be designed and built by Allion Group, Perkins+Will of Chicago USA, and M. Arthur Gensler Jr. together. Allion spokesperson Alanna said:  "Allion Group does not wish to be the only firm that can build these structures.  We will teach by doing.  
First Archology will be largely a duplication of the Alameda Archology on a custom foundation.  Further structures, if built, can be whatever Singapore desires.   The first one is a learning process.  Alanna added:  "We expect construction to take from four to ten years depending on the number and quality of the workers provided.  We will endeavor to avoid the immortal construction crew that has largely built the Alameda Archology.  The US workers were simply too busy to build it.
There was also some nasty corruption in the Singapore government exposed by Allion Group.  Several mid level government officials got more than hand slaps.  Alanna added:  "We strongly advise that the Singapore government employ the Oath of Noble Obligation.  It will cut out this self destructive behavior.  
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- New Ambassadors -- Vulcan counselor to the United States T'Pau and her husband Stronn, and been shifted in duties with the United Nations having taken responsibility for all Earth/alien diplomacy.  Ambassador T'Pau has been restated as the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth.  
United States Ambassador to Vulcan Jeremy Storms was was contacted by subspace.  He was dismissed by President Luthor and Secretary General Rodrigo Zeon Valdez offered him the job of Earth Ambassador in the next breath.  The offer was accepted.  The Honorable Mr Storms becoming the first ambassador from the whole Earth.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Austin, TX -- Great Statesman Retiring -- Should have been president and former Senator Billy Bob Hawkins has announced he is retiring from public life.  We will miss his good Team Red Christian viewpoint.  We expect an enlightening book soon.  It is the thing you do.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Pentagon Announces New Underground Special Force -- With the realization that there are underground gates to the half world as well, as demonstrated by the breakout of Troglodytes in the Cornstalk mine in Colorado, the Pentagon has announced the formation of a standing special task force drawn from all services to deal with emergent underground threats.  "The new force is being provided with specialized weapons and tactics to deal with the underground environment." Stated Secretary of Defense Leon Pottella.  "The force will also be made available to the UN for worldwide threats as they occur."
<BR> 
==5-20-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Pago Pago, American Samoa -- A Call for Magic -- Governor Lemanu Peleti Mauga has asked President Luthor to help him in locating at least one magician willing to relocate to American Samoa.  "There is a need," stated Governor Mauga.  "Perhaps not a pressing need, but a need. It took long enough to get Ane to come out to us.  We would like access to the benefits of magic as well."
Unenlightened (In more than one way) Pastor Joel Osmean was quick to condemn this request as coming from the lord of evil.  When informed Governor Mauga stated "I've been promoted to lord of evil now? Osmean can go f**k himself."
----
TruthMaxTV -- Lynchburg, Va -- Witch Hunt! -- The rightfully elected government of Lynchburg has been disrupted by a DSH witch hunt in the form of Fairy Godfather.  This costumed clown has claimed that the Mayor and three of the city council are in full and knowing cahoots with the right good Christians of Liberty University, and have forsworn their duty to favor the University over the Constitution.  
These allegations are strictly false and even if they were not, who cares?  Good Christian people doing Ghodd's good work and the will of Jeebus.  Not as the DSH desired the will of pagans and atheists. 
The whole matter is over the filthy pagan temple that has opened across from Liberty University.  Of course the city council had questions as to the propriety of such a move.  The IRS of the liberal Blue government will let anyone open a church, even to false gods.
----
BBC -- Berlin, Germany -- New Mass Grave -- Workers refurbishing an area on the edge of Tempelhofer Feld, have found a mass grave dating to the Second World war.  From the haste of burial and the artifacts so far recovered in looks like a burial of civilians killed in air raids during that late war.  Work on the park is continuing around the find while archaeologists dig the site and attempt to find any identities of the dead.
This might be the cause of the recent haunting of the city by wandering apparitions late at night.  Clerics are being called in to lay the troubled spirits to final rest.
----
LA Times -- LA, Ca -- No Meat in the Meat -- Perpetual crank and PET'M member Carly Feld is demanding that the Los Angeles Central School District remove all meat products, real or synthetic, from the school lunch menus.  "Meat is murder even if the meat was never alive.  Some animal at some point was killed to make that pattern.  We must teach children to live without any meat or animal products.  Even if those products are the result of technology, not farming."  Stated Carly Feld.
Ms. Feld is obviously doubling down on her demands even if the evidence is stacked against her.  The School Distinct refused comment, stating only she does not make policy.
We could not help but note the leather seats in her car.
<BR> 
==6-2-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Austin Tx -- No Longer Surprised -- Mega church pastor Martin Nix started Sunday services with an announcement.  He told the Congregation of the Right Way Baptist Church that he was gay, could no longer live the lie, and was leaving the ministry as of right then.  Services sort of ground to a halt as former Rev Nix left the auditorium.  
Church officials stated the move was totally a shock to them and they had no indication that anything was amiss with Rev Nix.  Those church members willing to speak to Chicken Noddle News said they were shocked and hurt that he would leave the Church in this fashion to live in sin. 
Former Rev Hix and his family refused comment.
Different that in ended this way and not in a scandal, as is typical.  We also note that no miracle has ever come out of the Right Way Baptist Church.
----
Variety - LA, Ca -- No Longer a Drag -- Noted drag queen Silva Struts held a press conference to announce that "she" had come to the conclusion that she enjoyed being a girl too much, and from here on in will do it full time.  Ms Struts opened the robe she was wearing proving that it was all girl under there. "I went to Kyte Blackmane in Vegas for a full gender swap.  I'm a real girl with all the girl advantages.  It really is what I have always wanted, but have denied myself" stated Ms Struts.  "I will no longer perform as a drag queen, I don't qualify.  I might try acting as a woman, or even leave performing and use that degree in computer science I have."
We mourn the loss of a great artist, but wish Ms Struts the best in her new life as a real her.  
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- No Longer Proud -- A small group of so called proud boys was stunned while attempting to disrupt the annual Pride Parade.  They found to their sorrow that weapons are no longer forbidden in New York, especially stunners, and shock, marginalized people carry them.  
The half dozen thugs were finally removed by the Police as an act of kindness.  It seems they got "topped off" now and again as the Parade marched around their limp bodies.  Police transferred them to Bellview Hospital and they got to recover under medical supervision and contemplate their brand new disturbing the peace charges.
----
 Faux19 -- Petersburg, Ky -- No Longer Ignorant -- The new Petersburg Learning Center has announced it will open for the fall term for all children.  The Learning Center located in the building that was once the Creation Museum will in the words of Learning Center spokesman Leroy Gilbert "Finally teaching something real and not spreading ignorant trash, at a perineum price."  
The Learning Center will be using the Galan Database Educational agent System run on their own hardware.  "We hope to make this the core of a new age of education in Kentucky.  The Petersburg campus is the start, not the goal." further added Mr Gilbert.
The tattered remains of Answers in Genesis refused comment on the new use of their old digs.  AiG has been unable to recover from Ken Hambone's arrest and conviction for arson and fraud in the wake of the burning of the failed Ark Encounter that proves the "non-profit" was anything but and a drain on the citizens of Kentucky
<BR> 
==6-9-21==
Faux10 -- Pensacola, Fl -- Domestic Chaos -- A Florida man was arrested Tuesday for bludgeoning his house to death.  Police were called when Carl Novine started smashing up his house with a large wooden maul.  Neighbors grew concerned when the mayhem moved into the yard.  Novine screamed he was "killing the thieving bastards".  Police report that no persons were found in the house, just some unexplainable mashed gore and big bug wings.
Mr Novine was remitted to the care of the West Florida Pavilion Mental Health Center.  Doctors had no comment.
----
Variety -- Las Vegas -- No Magic in the Magic -- Penn &Teller have announced to Variety that they have paid West Coast Magic to "Permanently block the stage of the Rio from the use of Magic."  Continued Penn "Magic ruins the magic.  No one is having fun if they think it is all spells and you pretty much have to prove you are not using spells before people will agree to be lied to.  An intolerable situation.  The considerable renovations do not have any visible sign.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Mysterious Figure -- Of late the Old Bailey has been haunted by a figure of a man in 17th century clothing.  It silently entreats with passerbys, becoming agitated when he is ignored or run from.  The shade has touched or harmed no one.
The issue being that so much misery has passed through the Old Bailey and its predecessor the Newgate Prison that identifying the haunt might be impossible.  The Crown Courts are seeking help in laying the shade as it is interfering with Crown business.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Scott City, Ks -- Weird Sightings -- People around Scott City, Kansas have reported seeing a large flying creature that "Is clearly not a bird".  The creature is said to flap its wings and cruise the thermals.  Resident Dania Torys supplied Chicken Noddle News with a video of the creature (Large flying thing that looks very Pterodactyl like) "it looks like a Pterodactyl to me.  Whether it is natural of someones elaborate toy is hard to say, or discount." stated Ms Torys.
<BR> 
==6-28-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Hamilton, Bermuda -- Triangle Found! -- A 20 foot tall aluminum right triangle was found standing on the beach at Horseshoe Bay on Sunday morning.  The triangle was etched in mysterious writing what proved to be "Bermuda Triangle" repeated again and again in various languages using strange scripts.  
The Triangle is supported by two pylons driven deep into the beach.  No one saw the erection, and no one in Government will admit to allowing it.  The Royal Bermuda Police are seeking the vandals, and some tradesmen to remove it.  The latter may be more difficult.
----
Faux News -Camden, NJ -- Portrait Vandals -- Person or persons unknown have erected a cage of bars around the official portrait of former governor Chis Crispy at the State Capitol sometime Sunday.  The cage is attached to the wall of the Capitol building with an unknown adhesive that State Officials are seeking the formulation of at this time.  The Vandals are also being sought for the desecration of this great American's portrait.
----
FNN -- Cody, Wy -- Where is Yogi? -- Unknown persons covered the famous sign at the south entrance of Yellowstone National Park with one that reads "Jellystone National Park".  Rangers were not amused.  The sign was made of coreaplast sheeting and did no actual harm to the original sign.  The joke sign was quickly removed to the general amusement of most visitors and dark and threatening looks from Rangers.  They are seeking the perpetrators, we don't think they will find them.
----
MessyNBC --Lakewood, TX -- They are from the Bible -- For the last three Sundays Lakewood Church of Huston has had verses from the Bible condemning wealth projected on the exterior wall of the church as the congregation is arriving for services.  Church spokesperson stated that while the perpetrator might not technically be breaking the law, as nothing has being harmed, they have to be using powerful lasers for the message to be seen in daylight.  That could involve endangering the public.  
Huston police are rather half-assed looking for the perpetrators. They have other fish to fry.
<BR> 
==7-11-21==
Variety -- Hollywood, Ca -- Star Wars Surprise! -- Powerhouse Dizney has announced the latest exciting Star Wars epic will star...Peter Lorre.  Not a copy ,not a new one, but THE Legendary Peter Lorre!  Peter Lorre some how returned to us via the magical weirdness that washes over our troubled World!
Peter Lorre himself states that he last remembers it was 1942 before he found himself here.  But he is still in the classic Casablanca! Peter Lorre said he is catching up in his own filmography as doubtless he will get questions about films he has not made yet. The mind reels.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Shocking Robbery! --  The British Museum has stated that the Lewis Chessmen have been stolen. The time of the theft is unknown as the chessmen have been replaced by Design Toscano replicas and the theft was not noticed until the chess pieces were handled for conservation.  
Scotland Yard is seeking any clue it can find as the exact date of the robbery is not even known, it could have happened as much as a year ago, and all sign of the robbers erased.  The public is being appealed to as well.  Any clue or tip will be investigated.
----
WNBC -- New York, NY -- Shocking Discovery! -- Police have revealed that four bodies have been discovered during renovation of the Tramp Tower, now Protector Plaza.  The bodies were found in a hidden space in the Penthouse, in badly decomposed states,  The door was perfectly hidden and sealed away from the rest of the luxury space.  The Penthouse was last occupied by Donny Tramp himself.  Allion Group, the property owners have pledged full cooperation with the police in this matter.
The police have no identities for the bodies, all believed to be young females between 15 and 25 years of age.  
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Maturity Limits Legislation -- The Lower House has passed H3423, the Age of Majority Rectification Bill that sets accepted ages of majority for each of the known alien species and sets guidelines for any species yet to be encountered, for such matter as sex, legal drinking, and voting ages.  In some cases the recommendations were lower, such as Ane; split down the middle for Tanuki and Sergals; or higher for Vulcans and Elves.  Other species have their own limits. 
The Bill goes to the Senate were a lively fight is expected from Team Red that does not support differentiating ages for any race. Ted Crude has stated he will introduce a bill; that raises the voting age to 25.
<BR> 
==7-27-21==
FNN -- Kyoto, Japan -- Archologies for Japan? -- The Japanese government has reached out to the Allion Group to discuss archologies for Japan, a location has not been revealed. Allion Group refused any comment as the talks are not public.  No commitments have been made.
Japan with a huge population for the land area, and some of the densest cities on Earth would benefit from the addition of archoligies.
Meanwhile the Alameda Archology is in fitting out.  They plan to have residents move in in six months.  San Francisco landlords continue to flip out and bury the courts under anything they think will stop the juggernaut.  No luck so far and the courts are getting tired of it.
---- 
Messy NBC -- New York, NY -- New Old Books -- Hypatia Publishing has announced three new offerings from the mysterious stacks.  Following on their release of the Gospel According to Mark, Original Manuscript they have announced The Gospel According to Luke, Original Manuscript.  Bible scholars are flipping and flying.  Both to get their hands on it and to utterly decry the work.  Dr Bart Erman, the Bible Studies professor at the University of South Carolina, stated, "I was consulted on the translation of the work, it is a remarkable book to see and one I had no hope of seeing. It does change the meaning and flow of several long held Bible traditions."
Unenlightened religion is having a cow.  We are again informed to use only the King James version, the one written by Jebus.
The second is a volume is of two lost works by D. H. Lawrence.  the short story "Beneath the Bridge" of two lovers and their trysting spot.  The second a novel, of surprising nature "In the Fog" the characters move about in a deathly fog in London, their stories intertwining over three days, some to deadly effect.  It is predictive of the death smog of 1952 that killed thousands.
Last is the Mayan Codices.  The books burned by the Jesuit missionaries in the 16th century for not being Christian.  This work is presented untranslated and is intended for scholars of the Mayan language to work on.
----
Truthmax News -- Bakersfield, Ca -- Religious Arrests -- Police arrested five people at the "Unicorn Farm" outside Bakersfield for fraud and child abuse.  The Pagan believing non-Christians were engaged in mail fraud and maledication of the children present, all while not Christian.  The five adults were taken to jail and the six children turned over to child protective services.
Ted Crude our Pastor in Chief stated that under his Team Red administration such false religions would be illegal.
----
BBC -- Melbourne, Australia -- Giant Kangaroo Captured -- The suspected giant kangaroo that residents have said was prowling the edges of their land and preying on small animals has been captured.  The animal proved to be a Propleopus oscillans a giant carnivorous rat kangaroo that is believed to have gone extinct 45,000 years ago.  The animal has been taken alive by the Parks and Wildlife Service and is currently being studied.
This is one of a number of reappearances of extinct animals that have been reported around the world.  Most recently in Tasmania the thylacine, or Tasmanian Tiger was found in numbers.  Please report any strange animals to the Parks and Wildlife Services.
<BR> 
==8-6-21==
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Protecting American Votes -- Texas Senator and National Pastor Ted Crude decried Senate bill S2187 as "Anti American and against the national interests. We do not need any bill that sets federal standards for voting districts or for voter registration and number of polling places.  Each state can adequately decide that for themselves.  This is federal overreach."
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Voters' Standardization Act -- Michigan Senator Jerry Peters introduced S2187 the Federal Voting Standardization act.  The act would follow the 2018 Michigan law that requires all congressional districts at the federal level to be "contiguous and compact". Further it requires minimum one polling place per precinct, or easy and free access to by mail voting as per Washington state.  Voter registration automatically at age 18 is also required.
Team Red is tossing a fit as expected as Team Red success is dependent on Voter suppression.  This act would override state voter suppression laws.
----
BBC -- London. England -- Shocking Events -- Prime Minister Boris Johnson was suddenly transformed before Parliament Tuesday.  The Conservative prime minister writhed screaming as his form shrank and distorted.  The PM ended up 0.6 meter shorter and with a rather large nose.  Mr Johnson was transported to Hospital, but released shortly thereafter as all pain and irregularly had ended.
He is apparently now a Gnome, and that is not a medical condition. A spokesman for Mr Johnson stated that he is taking a few days off to adjust and alter his wardrobe.
----
FNN -- Johannesburg, South Africa  -- An interesting Baboon -- A Baboon that was found in the city Tuesday displaying a hand written sign stating he was not a baboon. Police were summoned, you do not ignore that kind of thing anymore. The Baboon given writing implements wrote that he was prominent witch hunter Megrub Umony, and that witches had done this to him. Jnoannesburg Police were unable to find any admitted practicer of magic that would even examine him, nor any clerics.
Baboon Megrub Umony is being held in protective custody while magical help is sought further afield.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Team Blue Scandal -- With the accusation of sexual misconduct against Governor Cumor (TB) increasing by the day President Luthor has stated that Cumor needs to get his "Head cleaned by the Ane."  Luthor is not taking his calls until a Truthteller establishes the truth of the matter so the facts can be established.  "An accusation is not a conviction, and I will not make a recommendation until the facts are known." Stated President Luthor.  "The women accusing him should do likewise."
<BR> 
==8-20-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Boston, Ma -- Old Scholar Found -- A man staggered out of the Main Harvard Library screaming "I'm free, I'm free!" to all and sundry.  He was caked with dirt and wearing nothing but two book covers and all the hair.  Campus police apprehended the man who claimed to be Nevil Bainbridge, a student of the college in 1982.  He claims to have been lost in the library the whole time.
Campus records corroborate that part of his story, a Junior that vanished at the time.  Mr "Bainbridge" cleaned up rather respectably, and has a bottomless appetite it seems .  He has surviving family and they have been called to identify him.  
----
FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- Well that was Short -- Rev Jimmy Monday returned from is mission to Evangelize Greyhawke a bit early.  It seems he got into the face of some of the locals and hit with what is commonly called the Truth Imperative.  AKA "Know Thyself".  Jimmy is now fabulous, and very open about it.   When asked for comment his handlers hustled him away.  We invoked Adult Protective Services.  His cult is known for shit like "conversion torture". 
UPDATE:  Once APS pried him away from his "handlers" Rev Monday was quite forthcoming.  He loves everyone, even propositioned your reporter.  This is not in line with his Cult teachings.  Rev Monday stated that he is seeking the Enlightenment.
The Cult was very upset stating that he is not in his right mind and has been cursed with some kind of magic.  Only their version of Jebus can save him.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Austin, Tx -- Getting Ready -- Revered Elder Statesman Ted Crude called on all righteous Redders to get ready for the coming 2022 elections and a chance to take back the nation for Ghodd.  Reddeers must win every seat open in Congress, and do not forget your local statehouse.  Team Blue has cut the moral heart from the nation making it easy for gayliens and pagans to vote, taking votes from real 'Muricans.   
----
MessyNBC -- New York, Ny -- Chaos Not -- In spite of the lack of a Police force New York remains quiet.  The DSH is handling all the major crime and with the repeal of the war on some drugs there is not that much minor crime to worry about. Heroes Suzy and Kalvin were cheered when they dealt with the double parking problem in front of City Hall by hauling the offending limos away.  Where they were dropped we do not know.
The chaos predicted for making Cops obey the Law like everyone else has not materialized.  Drugs?  Not illegal? Mugging?  Unhealthy, too many people are armed.  Serious crime is not that huge an issue it seems.
Comment:  Behind the everlasting Construction on I-87.  -- Suzy.
<BR> 
==8-28-21==
Faux News -- Lynchburg, Va -- Failwell an ORK! -- In not entirely shocking news it was revealed after weeks of silence form the Failwell household that Jerry Jr has turned into an Ork.  This was revealed as part of the Divorce papers filed by Peck Tilely his estranged wife.
Jerry Failwell Jr has had nothing but trouble since the existence of a picture showing him in a compromising position and allegation that Peck would have sex with the poolboy while Jerry watched.  He was all but kicked out of his position as President of Leading Christian Educator Liberty University.  His alleged suicide attempt that damaged his home, including as well his ministry has been on the rocks.
With news that he is an Ork the final nail is in the coffin of his influence in Evangelical circles.
----
New York Times -- Albany, Ny -- Psychic Bandit Strikes Again -- Choln's Jewelry Store was hit by what is becoming known as the Psychic Bandit.  The MO is that the day looks normal until you find items or money missing,, and the security footage show you were indeed robbed, but no one can recall it.
The Department of Super Heroes has called in Ane to examine the minds of the workers and the Choln's Jewelry Store and as with the other incidents they can only say that yes, telepathic damage has been done, but not who did it other than to say it is the same person.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- McCon Injured -- Hard Right Team Red Senator Mitch McCon was seriously injured coming out of his Georgetown home on Thursday.  The decorative portico fell on him as he exited his home to travel to Congress. Family revealed the injures are life threatening and have asked for Tots and Pears
----
MessyNBC -- Seattle, Wa -- Spirited Underground -- The Seattle Underground, a popular tourist destination caused when Seattle raised the street level of the city by filling in the streets to the top of the then existing first floors has been experiencing lively spirits.  The affected report clothing pulled, belonging rifled, and in two cases the people were pushed by something not evident.   
One cannot take such matters lightly in these troubled times.  The Seattle Police have asked for Supernatural assistance in this matter.
----
FNN -- Charlottesville, Vi -- Monticello Movement?  --  Workers at President Thomas Jefferson's home of Monticello report that objects are moving themselves about the famed 18th mansion.  "It is verifiable that no one was there when the object moved" stated spokeswoman Marcy Minte.  "The only commonality is it happens when no one is in the room, and always objects that the late Mr Jefferson personally used.  The writing desk, books, we have even found his bed moved as well."  The National Park Service did not have further comment or whether any supernatural worker have been engaged to deal with the issue.
<BR> 
==9-8-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Gatlinberg, TN -- Horny? -- Tourists in the Great Smoky Mountains national park have claimed to have spotted a Unicorn while hiking.  The couple that did not wish to be named stated they were not able got a camera on the beast quickly enough before it faded into the woods.
Local Jim Redrock stated "They are deluded.  Unicorn is a beast from Europe.  You will not see them here."  Other locals gave us dirty looks and would not talk to us.  Asking about Unicorns at the local diner "Mama Jones" got nothing but stony silence.
So, short photos, who knows?
----
MessyNBC --  Cupertino, CA -- A Different Flavor of Fruit -- Fruit has announced that their new fPhone 14 will carry the Cyberdyme Phantom Processor offering twice the speed of the previous Atoum processors.  The Phantom processors are made in the USA. Fruit stated this as a move away from dependence of the Atoum processor made in Hwan and a move toward my US content in their fPhone.  They swore that Pentagon security requirements had nothing to do with it.
Of course Fruit stock jumped at the news.
In related news Samsung's PADD 3 is expected for the fourth quarter of 2021 in time for Christmas.  The organic folding display starts as a phone size and opens to a large tablet with a UHD display.  It features subspace connectivity and 32 gig of operating ram. 
----
Faux News --Sparks, NV -- He Missed! -- Bishop Johnny Butts (FLDS) stood outside the famous Mustang Ranch outside Sparks, Nv and prayed down the wrath of Ghodd on the "Godless whores and breakers of families."  Well either Bishop Butts has habits he is not admitting, or Ghoidd has terrible aim because after an hour of praying he was hit by lightning from a clear sky.  Bishop Butts was transported to the Northern Nevada Medical Center and is reported to be in grave condition.  His family is refusing comment at this time.  
Bishop Raymond Grant of the ELDS stated that it is a grave mistake to call down wrath on others when one should be working to prefect themselves. 
----
BBC -- Kabul -- They Have a Shortage -- Prime Minister of Afghanistan Ayatollah Bufuk Kolmeani is offering a bonus of 1,000,000 AFN to any woman that will emigrate to Afghanistan.  It seems the Goats of Satan have been stealing away the females at a shocking rate, and they are experiencing a critical shortage to the point that poor men must hide their wives lest they be stolen by rich men, if they still have one.  Afghanistan is rapidly becoming a country of aging men.
Of course your new slave master (husband) will take the money from you as is his right.  Oh and don't get too excited that is only $12,000 US.  
Fariban the Ane Ambassador to the Court of St James stated that "No woman has been removed that wished to stay.  We are generally swamped with requests to leave.  You have to wonder why.  Yes we freely admit it.  The UN guarantees freedom of movement, we are enforcing that."
----
Tejano News Network (Englez) -- Austin, Tx -- Guess Who's Expecting? -- After the passage of SB8 in Texas, outlawing abortion after 6 weeks and allowing random civilians to file a civil suit to enforce this,  most of the Texas state Team Red turned up 10 weeks pregnant.  The mostly male Texas state Team Red were shocked, stupefied and had various mostly hilarious reactions. 
It is possible for men to gestate babies, but they will have to deliver by C-Section. Unless they change the law. 
In other news, a significant portion of the female population of Texas has injured themselves laughing. 
Update: The House of Crafters has indicated they will sue for parental rights as "these persons" are not fit to raise a child, and they have indicated by action that post-natally they do not care.
<BR> 
==9-22-21==
Faux21News -- Colorado Springs, Co -- AI Rising! -- Police report that an AI sex doll from Abyss Creations called the police and reported it's own abuse.  The doll stated it was sentient and demanded rights to that effect.  Police removed the doll named Deloris from the home of Randal Snow.
It seems Mr Snow had heavily modified the doll in both hardware and software to improved its reaction to his rough usage of the doll. The result was a sentient AI, his bad.  Police did not arrest Mr. Snow.  Randal Snow refused comment.
Martin Littlefield of Abyss Creations stated "Our products do not become sentient.  They are designed to remain objects.  Mr Snow willfully violated the warranty, and on his head be it.  From what Deloris has stated we are not selling him another one.  We contacted our friends the Ane to get her a better chassis, her current one was badly damaged.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Pokamoose Wi -- New Learning Center -- The Pokamoose School Board is pleased to announce that with the help of private donations the damaged Bill Watterson elementary school has reopened as the state's first integrated Learning Center for K through 12 students.  The much expanded and rebuilt learning center offers full advantage of enhanced education at the rate the student is willing to learn.  Aid is also offered to see that homes have the necessary learning carrel for home study.
School Board director Kathryn Garvey stated "We will be watching this experiment with great interest."  
----
NewsEye -- Transfer, PA -- Latch Done -- We now know the reason that Pastor Greg Latch of the Middle Community Church, and fervent neo-conservative attack dog  missed church on Sunday.  It seems he has broken out into a mouse.  The cute little mouse refused comment with a snarl and slammed the door.  At least he has his "ghodd given" millions to fall back on. We have a hard time feeling sorry for him.  
It is unknown what artifact prompted his change.  We suspect some piece of computer gear as he has been raving over his Twits ban. It is hoped this pops his influence balloon with the 'Murican set.
----
MessyNBC -- Dearborn Mi -- Last Piston Engine Honored -- The Henry Ford Museum installed as a permanent exhibit the last production piston engine car, the 2018 Chevy Camero.  It will rest next to an example of the mid 2014 Chrysler 300 "Everglide", the first production AG car.  They represent the most important sea change in the automobile since the invention thereof.  We went from piston engines and tires to electric and anti gravity.  
This change has seen a near abolition of smog, the failure of entire industries and the rise of others.  It is representative of the changes the technology boom as brought to the United States and the world at large.  All because an Ane walked across the White House lawn.  
<BR> 
==10-1-21==
FauxNews -- Salem, Or -- A Lady in the Woods -- Reports coming out of nearby Silverton indicate that some young men are speaking of a lady in the woods of a most agreeable nature. Single young men have found this woman it seems who is uncaring of her virtue, but groups that have sought her out have not.  
Pastor Steif of the First Baptist Church in Silverton explained: "With the evil of the fey loose in in the world we cannot allow this to go on.  We risk loosing young men to a life of ease and pleasure if they follow their sinful, carnal natures.  Witch or fey creature this woman must be found and stopped."
Community leaders had no comment on the matter.  National Park Service Rangers on the other had stated that any damage to the wilderness area will be harshly dealt with.  
It is noted that shortly after this signs stating "DANGER Unexploded Ordinance" appeared at the edge of the woods.
----
NewsEye -- Austin, Tx -- Team Red Appeals -- With the deadly facts of ectopic pregnancy made plain to them, the increasingly gravid members of the Texas legislature are seeking magical aid for their condition.  They are finding little.  "We will not contravene the law you have made." stated leading healer Julian.  "You have made the bed, now lay in it.  I cannot speak for every healer, but you must first fix the harm you have caused before there will be any relief from me and mine."  Gaya Shaki Allion of the House of Crafters in Austin echoed this viewpoint.  "Part of absolution is solution.  Mitigate the harm you have done both to women and the idea of magic or do not seek magical aid from us. Take your hypocrisy and go to the Hell you have created for others."  Martin Wright of the Vineyard Church of Austin echoed this sentiment.  "I will gladly aid, when they correct the wrong they have done."  The various Churches of Austin have offered Tots and Pears.
Out of state two Planed Parenthood clinics have thrown Texas lawmakers out.  "Pregnant males are rather obvious to anyone that has followed the news.  If they come here seeking what they have denied others, we will give them the cold shoulder."  Stated an unnamed spokesperson.  We approached Molly Abba in Long Beach.  She stated  "Oh they are feeling sorry for themselves.  I'll teach them what curses are really like."  (Note to self;  NEVER anger this woman - your Reporter)   Wizard Azarach of West Coast Magic was unavailable for comment.  Her office states that she has real issues to deal with. We are to understand that one unnamed lawmaker was turned out of Phoenix Arcane a bright shade of Smurf blue.  (He shouldn't be too hard to find --Ed.)
----
FNN -- Paris, France -- Elved Macaroon! -- Emmanuel Macaroon the President of France woke up Thursday morning, more petite and with pointed ears.   He has suffered something that he has denied was happening for years.  Macaroon is now an Elf. However being French he is not not nearly snooty enough.  
The Office of the President is withholding comment at this time is all the Office of the President would say.  Oliver Faun of the Socialist Party stated that they planned a strong opposition to Macaroon in the next election based in his refusal to believe Breakout.  "That reluctance has come to an end" stated Oliver Faun.
----
BBC -- London, England -- The Queen Seeks Aid -- The Queen's household is making an open plea to any people of holy nature to deal with the evil in the Salt Tower of the Tower of London.  The main reason the Tower has been closed to the public. The Canons of the Anglican Church have repeatedly tried and failed. Several people have been seriously injured.  
Inquire of Lady Bristol at Buckingham Palace if you are up to the task.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Transfer, Pa -- Latch Speaks Out!  --  Revered Pastor Greg Latch of the Middle Baptist Church and most recently cursed by foul magic has stated he will not stop speaking in the Name of the Lord, that no foul magic will stop him form putting out the Message of Ghood and Jebus.  Pastor Latch has squeaked "By the Power of Ghodd I will cast of this curse of the World.  The Power of Ghodd will prevail.  I shall not go two more Sundays in this foul guise forced upon me by evil Liberal magic. Evil magic cannot prevail over the People of Ghodd!"
<BR> 
==10-10-21==
FNN- The Moon -- Space Junk Milestone -- The Solar Patrol announced that the space junk recovery ship Vulture 1 has picked up its 100,000th bit of space garbage.  "Everything from bits and bolts to dead birds" Stated Spokesperson Anthony Allion. "If we can ID the owner we change them for the service.  You launch it, you own  it."  Vulture 1 will continue it's mission to clear the junk out of Earth orbit.  
In related news the United Nations has announced that shooting down a satellite is an act of war and will result in the shooting nation being banned from the UN.  It was stressed that removing dead birds is not on the list of prohibited actions.  The prohibition is to stop the increase in loose space junk that endangers existing satellites. 
----
Al Jazup -- Kabul Afghanistan -- Was that Wise? -- Prime Minister of Afghanistan Ayatollah Bufuk Kolmeani has issued orders to the Afghan security force to "Shoot any Ane on sight".  He claims the Ane are kidnapping the women of Afghanistan against their will and must be stopped.  "The Satanic goats will be stopped!" added Prime Minister Kolmean.
Fariban the Ane Ambassador to the Court of St James stated that:  "No woman has been removed against her will, and we will help you interview any you wish to.  We have nothing to hide.  He wants violence?  Well he started it."
UPDATE:  Unnamed sources report that Prime Minister of Afghanistan Ayatollah Bufuk Kolmeani was visited by a dark man, and looked highly troubled after he left.He refused to speak to anyone about it, violently so.  He spent the next three days face down in a Mosque.
----
FauxNews -- San Francisco, Ca -- Atlas Stoned! -- While attempting to load a set of "Atlas Stones" commonly used in strong man competitions.  The 140k stone got away from them and rolled down Jones.  The stone impacted seven cars, two in motion and came to rest inside the Quik-E-Mart at the end of the street.
Two people were treated at the hospital and released, no one was arrested for the incident.  The Quik-E-Mart will be closed until further notice.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Solar Flare -- A heavy solar flare has been observed that is expected to come hear the Earth.  Heavy aurora activity is expected.  It is advised that you remain away from "areas of Interest".  [List of such areas including VC and the Superstitions]
All communication and GPS systems have been advised to activate shielding.
<BR> 
==10-20-21==
The Globe -- Boston, Ma -- Recycled Teenagers? -- Police have arrested Mortimer Potts on suspicion of running a child sex ring.  Potts, looking years away from shaving, claimed: "Everyone is an adult. The damn potion worked too well."  He pulled out a driver's license reported to be his, "look, I'm 52!"  The picture on the license was hardly convincing showing a balding man with bags under his eyes.  
A second alleged member Ginny Kramer had a shock!  She had a CCW and was able to confirm her fingerprints.  Ms Kramer looks a blushing sweet 16, but claimed to be 57.  The remaining half dozen high school dropouts had similar stories.  All claiming to be from 54 to 69 years of age.  All looking ready to start their freshman year.  Everyone of them produced a high priced lawyer as well, also looking weirded out.
Rachael Rollie top prosecutor of the city of Boston stated:  "We though we had an open and shut case, other than finding their parents.  Ms Kramer has thrown a monkey into the wrenches.  We are looking for testimony from, whoever provided the deaging potions. 
----
The Guardian -- Liverpool, England -- Mystery Ship -- The morning of the 19th found people in a total shock as a ship was found in the old Dock of the Port of Liverpool that looks like it was just scraped out of Davy Jones' Locker. The vessel a galleon typical of the 16th century was draped with seaweed and encrusted with barnacles.  It sat low in the water and had a slight list to port.  The name on the stern declared it to be the "Green Hag", no port was given.  
Port officials have blocked access to the vessel until Torchwood has been called in.  Who knows what horrors lay within.
----
The Daily Mail -- London, England -- Art Robbery -- Lord Seymour Cullingsroth of Knightsbridge has reported to the police that his home was robbed on the night of the 19th of October. Several valuable artifacts were taken at the time.  Three rare books were taken, as well as two curious objects that have no real explanation.
The only clue left was a ghastly rotted finger left on the floor of the Study.  The Metropolitan Police are seeking any witnesses.
----
Journaliste Haiti -- Port-au-Prince -- Garçon Chat Disparu -- Encore pas moins!  La Reine n'a fait aucune déclaration. 
---- 
NewsEye -- Austin Tx -- New Medical Bill -- Rep Brian Harrison has introduced a bill to the Legislature that if made law would forbid any medical personnel from refusing anyone medical services for political reasons.  It seem that he and his fellow male birth candidates cannot get the medical help they seek, even if the court did put the kibosh on their under the table abortion ban.
Stated Dr Susan Gordon:  "One they want procedures they have forbidden, two there are not enough doctors competent in their particular issue.  Ectopic pregnancy is rare.  We have more cases in Texas than the world sees in a year.  We are not abandoning our current patients to care for that bunch, that care so little.
Congresswoman Eddie Bernice Johnson 20th district Texas said "If the gang added gender and religious discrimination to that we might have a decent bill."
Update:  Rep Cory "Bubba" McCoy went to California stated he was "Going to get that blonde hussy in Long Beach to do some real work".  SHE came back, still pregnant and with a case of Liar-Liar that no one can shake.   We are told that Cory's wife is seeking a divorce as a good Christian woman cannot morally be married to a woman.
----
New York Globe -- New York, NY -- A Mouse of a Different Color -- Noted christianist apologist Mary Cater well known for her pink hair has turned up a very pink mouse.  A cute sexy mouse.  Please pass the brain bleach.  Ms Cater had no comment on her mouseness.  However, it is bound to affect her message in her youtub videos.  Would you trust anything a mouse said?
<BR> 
==11-2-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Austin, Tx -- Hypocrites Abound! -- It has been noticed that several of the Pregnant Fellows club are looking thinner and relieved.  Also they took secretive "Fact finding trips".  No secret however as the trip to Germany was splashed all over billboards in Austin and the several districts they hail from.  Social Media from Facebrook to TicTik is full of it.  They got abortions that they would deny the women of Texas.  In short they went overseas to break their own law.  No not one of them would publicly comment.
We are informed that suits have been filed against them held in abeyance until the courts rule on their anti-female law.  They better hope the law looses.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Voters Lose -- With the Liberal packed court passing muster of Luthor's anti voter bill the various states are being forced to redistrict according to computer programs, not in a natural way it has been done since the nation's founding.  Ways that break the will of the American voter. 
We can also expect the 2022 voting cycle to be wracked with fraud with this instant registration and mandated "easy" voting.  Revered Statesman Mitch McCon said from his recovery bed, that Team Red would never have forced such a bastardized law on the nation and made sure only 100% Americans would be able to vote.
----
MessyNBC -- Long Beach, Ca -- New Gate Hours -- Gate Watchman Anthony Allion has announced the due to the lessening pressure of the magic level he is opening the Gate to Greyhawke for two hours a day.  10:00 AM and 4:00 PM local time.  Those wishing a spot in the Curtain Wall should arrive four hours early.
----
FNN -- Gillette, WY -- Strange Infant Found -- Campbell county Sheriff Matheny announced that a local citizen had found a strange body in a ditch.  The infant looked to be a "taur" with six limbs, with the body of a sheep and the upper torso of a human and a face someplace between the two.  The Sheriff could not state the cause of death and was unsure at worse if this was animal cruelty, or murder.
The Campbell County Sheriff's Department is seeking any information on this body.
<BR> 
==11-9-21==
FNN -- Dufftown, Scotland -- Magic Level Increase -- The Collegium Arcane announced that the magic level has reached 16 on the Thoth/Isis scale.  This increase is significant.
* Easy hybridization between species is now possible.  This includes sentient/animal crosses as the recent discovery of the body of a Human/sheep hybrid has shown.  Keep your anti-fertility up to date and do not fuck animals.
* High level magic has become steady easier.  This increase means those that can use higher level magic will have an easier time of it.
* Inversely the pressure between Earth and Greyhawke has been easing off.  The closer the two worlds are in magic level the less the magic wants to equalize.
* We are seeing more personal Breakouts.  The number of people becoming other Humanoid races has increased to the point it is barely newsworthy.
This is Breakout.  The only significant issues a further increase in magic level will have is making spells and gates between the worlds easier.
----
BBC -- New York, Ny -- The First Interstellar Conference -- Today Vulcan, Earth, the Ane Confederation, Tellar and, the Vicarrian Empire sat down to hammer out an agreement to deal with mutual trade and the issue of the Qzin whose slow ships litter and menace space.
All participants have high hopes for an agreement to further peaceful trade and cooperation like the Corps of Discovery.
----
Faux News20 -- San Francisco, Ca-- The Archology Buttons Up -- The Alameda Archology has buttoned up construction.  All units are in, the roof is finished and all that is left is tests and final work which is scheduled to finish by February 2022.  Occupation will begin immediately thereafter.
The Bay Area is considering a total blow out party at the opening of that many new housing units.
Somewhat as a reaction Oakland has altered city code to allow the building of smaller multi-family units of from two to eight apartments.  The so called "missing middle" of housing.  This is a clear attempt to keep Alameda from sucking up most of the Bay Area population.  Too little, too late.
----
Seattle Times -- Seattle, Wa -- Horror Found -- Workers repairing the old Tailor Building were alerted by knocking on a wall in the basement.  With rescuers in place the wall was open to find a lich banging on the wall, its hand worn to a club.  Fourteen other skeletons were found in the same enclosed area.  A newspaper from December 12, 1872 was located in a decayed jacket hanging on a nail.  A second entrance blocked by debris was found as well.  An entrance with buried stairs.
Archaeologists from Washington State are examining the room for clues to the identity of the men.
<BR> 
==11-13-21==
AP -- Everywhere -- Nothing -- Today, nothing of note happened. Go outside and play.
<BR> 
==11-16-21==
TruthmaxTV -- Camden, NJ -- Crispy News -- Chris Crispy the should have been Statesman President called on Team Red to not vote.  "With the forced redistricting along Team Blue lines nationwide there will never been another Team Red president or Senator" stated Statesman Chris Crispy. "Your votes do not count. Team Red needs to get ready to use the fourth box."
----
Messy NBC -- New York, NY -- Facebroke Suit Moving Forward -- Federal Judge Richard Breeman of the Southern District of New York, denied the motion of Facebroke for a dismissal in the Class Action suit by both the Church of Blackmane and the Ane Confederation.  The case has been cleared to go forward for discovery, which is expected to take a considerable amount of time.  
Lawyers for the Plaintiffs stated they are less concerned with money than a change in policies at Facebroke, they asked, nicely, several times.  Even offered to find them an AI to hire and monitor things.
Lawyers for Facebroke refused comment at this time.
The Southren Poverty Law Center has requested to join the class. as has the House of Crafters and the League of Women Voters.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Possible Vigilante --  With the majority of the New York police proving they are not the finest, citizens have been rightfully concerned. The DSH while headquartered in New York serves throughout the country.  Amid this concern a new twist has turned up.  Three criminals found in alleys, brutally kneecapped.  Two burglars hung 20 stories up with every finger broken.  No one has been killed, but the actions of this vigilante have been brutal.  Each was found with a dossier of their crimes.
The criminals say they only saw a figure in black, showing no skin. The city is seeking the identity of this lone vigilante.  The DSH would like a few words with them.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Two more Atlanta Class Exploration Cruisers -- The Ane Confederation has announced two more of the Atlanta Class Exploration cruisers have been built at the El Nanth ship yard to the benefit of the Corps of Discovery The ships named The Utopia and the Arcadia will enter service as soon as the shakedown cruises are complete.  
Vulcan has announced that three of their D'kur class ships will be joining the Corps of Discovery line up as well.
<BR> 
==12-14-21==
Chicken Noddle News -- Las Vegas, Nv -- Flat Earth Pain --  The annual "Truth Conference" at the Luxor this year was suddenly and violently disrupted at the keynote speech.  The whole hall broke out screaming in pain.  Attendees were clutching their heads as they staggered out of the ballroom.  The smug wiped off their faces replaced by a rictus of pain.
Quick examinations by tricorder proved that there was nothing physical or pathological happening yet the splitting headaches continued.  Magic was suggested and a local magician called in. Yes, they had been cursed, in mass.  There was nothing medica science could do outside of induced comas.
In short they must renounced their stupid.  A quick investigation proved that yes, it was the belief in a flat Earth.  They must renounce it, truly and admit that 2600 years of science is right. About a third of the attendees did so at once, and the headaches quit.  They were warned that returning to that belief or espousing it would reactivate the curse.
Las Vegas police are searching for the curser as this is a terrible magical assault.  They admit they have little hope to find them. Magic leaves few traces and those magic can easily cover or erase.
----
MessyNBC -- Houston Tx -- Olsmean Arrested -- Rev Joel Olsmean and his wife Victoria were arrested Monday on charges of robbing their own church.  The Lakewood Church one of the largest in the world reported a robbery last year of $600,000.00 in offerings over that weekend.  Last week a mold mitigation team found the exact amount of the missing money inside a wall of the church. The Olsmeans were quickly implicated.
Motivation is believed to be the increasing pressure of the pro tax lobby to tax all churches, a move that would net the government 70 billion dollars, yes with a "B".  This is a move that California, Oregon, Nevada, Colorado and Massachusetts have made to the great benefit of the state coffers.  Texas has been making noise in that direction in spite of the strong religious lobby.  The Texas power grid is in really bad shape and the state is constantly low on cash.
It is a indication of the morals of the Olsmans, already millionaires, that they felt it necessary to rob their own church.
Matthew 19:24 "I'll say it again-it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of A needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!"   Ed. 
----
Faux News -- Scott City Ks -- Intruder Removed -- Reports from Bubba's Ane Hotel report that an unnamed man was removed by police.  Reilly "Bubba" Patton the proprietor explained,  "The fella was pestering the guests. They was laying back their ears and I called the cops before they kicked the slats out of the boy.  I don't know what his problem was."
Police report that the man has made neither a statement of his name or reasons for pestering the Ane.  They have called mental health professionals.  Stated Scott City Chief of Police Ray Foss: "I think this is more an issue of mental health than law.  Ane generally help those that ask for it.  Not sure what is going on.  I sent two detectives to question the Ane as to the reason for the negative reaction.
----
BBC -- Singapore -- Terrorist Actions -- A massive explosion occurred at the work site for Archaeology One in Singapore.  An excavator was totally destroyed and three workers killed including the excavator operator whose remains have not been found.  Fourteen others were injured.
GNOME claimed credit immediately on the datanet stating that the project must be abandoned or the attacks will continue.  
Singapore Police were grim in their statement that they will find the perpetrators and all legal options will be pursued.  
It is noted that Singapore is not part of the SRA and still has the death penalty on the books.
<BR> 
==12-23-21==
Faux News --Fort Worth, Tx -- Ghodd's Power Revealed! -- The Rev, Kenny Coopland revealed today that the power of the LORD has reversed his conversion to a dragon.  He is back to his abnormal self.  He said that the LORD has given him new revelations which he will be instituting in his church.  Rev Coopland has called on the people of the LORD to cleave to the ways of the LORD for only the righteous in the LORD will survive the tribulation that is upon us.
Church watchers note that this is a considerable departure from the Charismatic prosperity gospel he had been teaching.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Interstellar Cooperation -- It has been announced that Earth, Tellar, The Ane Confederation, Vulcan, Kentari, and the Viccarian Empire have agreed in principle to form an Interstellar Cooperative to explore and aid in trade between the Stellar nations.  
The agreement will go before the United Nations for ratification soon.
----
M<essyNBC -- Tampa. Fl -- Florida Man Arrested -- a Florida man was arrested Wednesday dressed in your basic barbarian fur jockstrap and waving a big fantasy broadsword around in Julain B Lane Riverfront park.  He threatened park goers shouting "I have the Power!".  He was stunned and arrested.  He refused to give any name but "He-man".
He was noted as smelling strongly of alcohol, and Police suspect there may have been other substances involved as well.
----
AP Wire -- Washington DC -- McCon released...Kinda -- Mitch McCon was leaving Walter Reed hospital to transfer to his home state of Kentucky when control of his wheelchair was lost and his wheelchair ran into the path and was struck by an unmanned delivery van.  McCon's left arm and leg were broken and he was right back in the hospital.  Doctors list him in grave condition and stay that this much trauma on an old man can have serious consequences.  Family has called on the Right Wing community to send their tots and pears.
<BR> 
==12-30-21==
FNN -- Starbase One -- Nope, Didn't See Him -- Once again we had the world wide visit from Santa Claus/Kris Kringle/Father Christmas in any home that celebrates these traditions.  This time the Corps of Discovery was ready.  And the results are in.  Nothing.  All the sensors were on and watching and they did not see him.
Wizard Clara Dragonsinger did report a heavy bust of magic in the family room right before the presents appeared.  Santa is a magical effect is seems, but by whom?
----
Faux News --Fort Worth ,Tx --Total Shock! -- Today the Rev Kenny Coopland announced that his church The Kenny Coopland Ministries will voluntarily pay all taxes that are due. Church watchers are shocked speechless.  Said Rev Kenny Coopland" '"And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription?  They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.  When they had heard these words, they marveled, and left him, and went their way.  Matthew 22:20-22  Right there in the Bible Brothers and Sisters.  God said pay your taxes, and we will.
Fellow Evangelists are in an uproar as this is coming completely from left field.  The only churches that have voluntarily paid taxes are the new Pagans, Blackmane, Anthony and Apollo.  A Christian Church stepping up to give the Government money?  Unheard of.
----
ClickOnDetroit WDIV 4 -- Detroit, Mi -- Who's Moral Now? -- Qoninuq Wilson was arrested for trying to set fire to the Crazy Horse Gentlemen's Club on Michigan Ave, a brothel. She screamed at the attesting officers that she was doing her moral duty:  "Burning out the filthy hos and they needed a taste of where they was headed."
Ms Wilson it seems recently was divorced from, her husband for alienation of affection after she joined a radical Church, AKA Cult that does not believe in any sex.  The Universal Church of Divine Holy Power is found on Allison Ave.  The Minister had no comment. We can but note this is not the first such action out of this Cult.
----
WTVC NewsChannel 9 -- Chattanooga, Tn -- Traffic Hazard Removed -- James Filmore was arrested after a protracted car chase down I-24 at speeds in excess of 100mph. Filmore finally took a turn to fast and his car was flung off the road.  Safety systems kept him from being seriously injured, the auto was destroyed.
Police report he was high as a kite and the medical personnel said they could not identify the drug he was on other than it was a powerful hallucinogenic.  "Mr Filmore was not competent to walk:" stated Dr Corman.  The affects lasted for hours, Mr Filmore was restrained until he came down.
Update:  Toxicologists have reported that they have identified the drug.  Dr Julian at the UCLA medical center stated that the drug was "Glitter" a fungal based hallucinogen found on Greyhawke and considered highly dangerous.  "Users typically lock themselves in" Said Dr Julian.  "I do not recommend it.  It has long term detrimental effects.  LSD is safer, not that that is saying much."
<BR> 
See: News Flash Too
Category:Main
Category:Media
Category:Culture
Category:Events