Transcripts/The Last Laugh

:[whoosh!]
:Rainbow Dash: I thought Pinkie Pie said to get here right away.
:Applejack: She sure had a burr in her britches about somethin'.
:Spike: So where is she?
:Pinkie Pie: [scoffs] Yeah. What is taking her so long? [giggles] Just kidding. You guys really need to look behind you once in a while.
:Twilight Sparkle: Uh, Pinkie? You said you had something important to tell us.
:Pinkie Pie: Not telling so much as showing. In fact, what you're about to see may shake the very foundations of your perception for all time!
:Fluttershy: Um... a cupcake?
:Pinkie Pie: Yes! But wait, there's more!
:[click]
:[squeak!]
:Pinkie Pie: It's an invitation to visit the Cheese Sandwich Amusement Factory!
:Spike: Cheese Sandwich opened a factory?
:Applejack: Heh. What do they make there? Rubber chickens?
:Pinkie Pie: That's ridiculous! They make way more there than just rubber chickens! [giggles]
:Rarity: Gosh, Cheese hardly seems the factory type. I just assumed he'd continue to wander Equestria throwing parties. Still, you must be excited to see him.
:Pinkie Pie: I am! I can't wait to tour his factory, catch up, have him tell me my life's purpose, swap gag tips—
:Applejack: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What did you say?
:Pinkie Pie: Uh, catch up? I mean, it has been a while.
:Twilight Sparkle: I think Applejack's asking about the part about Cheese Sandwich and your life's purpose.
:Pinkie Pie: Oh, that. Yeah. It's just... All of you have found your thing. You're gonna rule all of Equestria, Rainbow Dash is a Wonderbolt, Fluttershy has her animal sanctuary, Rarity has her boutiques, Applejack has the hat... And the farm! So that's like... two things! I don't even have one. [sighs, chomps] When I first got Cheese's invite, I was a little jealous. It felt like even he was moving on to bigger and better things. And everypony was leaving me behind. But then I realized Cheese Sandwich is a party pony just like me. If he figured out his purpose, he can help me figure out mine.
:Twilight Sparkle: I think talking to Cheese Sandwich is a great idea. But the only pony who can really find your life's purpose is you.
:Pinkie Pie: I know, silly. That's why I'm going to visit Cheese Sandwich's factory so I can ask him to help me. [chomps]
:Spike: Uh, Pinkie? Are you sure this is edible?
:Pinkie Pie: I am not! [chomps]
:
:[bouncing]
:Pinkie Pie: Yup! Anypony with a smile like that is exactly the kind of pony I want helping me!
:[bouncing]
:Pinkie Pie: Oh, hey, guys! Pardon me? Just gonna... squeeze by? [straining]
:Guard Pony 1: Can we help you?
:Pinkie Pie: You sure can! I'm here to see Cheese Sandwich!
:Guard Pony 2: Cheese Sandwich doesn't "see" anypony.
:Guard Pony 1: This factory's shut tight. Nopony ever comes out, and nopony ever goes in. Including you. So move along.
:Pinkie Pie: Aw, that's a shame. To think I came all this way because of this personal invitation from Cheese Sandwich himself.
:Guard Pony 2: You... You have an invitation?
:Guard Pony 1: Well, why didn't you say so?
:[alarm]
:[clang!]
:Guard Pony 2: Next time, I get to push the button.
:Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Desolate-y! Hello? Anypony there?
:[doors open]
:Pinkie Pie: [yelps] Cheese! I'm so happy to see you! [strains]
:[stretch]
:[whip!]
:Sans Smirk: Hmm. This should have gotten a big laugh. I wonder if we need to add more carpet rolls. I suppose it could be the mask. Let's try taking the nostril flare down ten percent. Thoughts?
:Pinkie Pie: I have a thought. Who are you?
:Sans Smirk: So sorry. Sans Smirk, vice-president of amusement integration. Mr. Sandwich is very excited you're here. If you'll just follow me, it's a short trip through the factory to Cheese's office.
:Pinkie Pie: Wow! A whole factory dedicated to gags! Ooh! I bet this is the funnest place ever!
:[doors open]
:Pinkie Pie: Huh.
:[industrial sounds]
:[conveyor belt whirring]
:Pinkie Pie: Maybe the fun is behind all this boring-looking factory stuff.
:[thud]
:[pop!]
:[thunk!]
:Sans Smirk: The fun is the factory stuff. We take a fairly serious approach to comedy here. Observe. [stilted] Oh, look. A pretty flower. [sniffs]
:[squirt]
:Pinkie Pie: The squirting flower's a classic. Ohhh! What if the flower was part of a shirt, but the flower didn't squirt – the shirt did?!
:Sans Smirk: That is literally the funniest thing I've ever heard.
:Pinkie Pie: Oh, [giggles] come on. That's just off the top of my head. You probably get, like, seventeen thousand ideas like that from Cheese every minute.
:Sans Smirk: We'd have to use a series of interconnected tubes in the fabric. What do you think of this?
:[flatulence]
:Pinkie Pie: I think it's a whoopee cushion.
:Sans Smirk: Yes...?
:Pinkie Pie: But what if you made the embarrassing sound come from somepony else?!
:Sans Smirk: I sit on it, but the sound comes from you... We could call it the "ventriloquoopee cushion".
:[factory ponies agreeing]
:Pinkie Pie: So... which way is Cheese's office again?
:Sans Smirk: Right. Of course. It's been quite a while since we've had the opportunity to work with true comic inspiration like this.
:Pinkie Pie: What about Cheese?
:Sans Smirk: Oh! One more thing. Our super-slip banana peel. Still in development, but we think it's pretty special.
:[splattering sounds]
:[factory ponies yelping]
:Sans Smirk: So? Too slippery?
:Pinkie Pie: Ohhh-ho-ho. What if, instead of slipping, you were sticking? One step on this banana peel, and you can't get it off! [giggles] That's funny!
:Sans Smirk: Wow. Just... wow. You're exactly the pony Cheese Sandwich needs to see.
:Pinkie Pie: Great! Because he's exactly the pony I need to see!
:[door opens]
:Pinkie Pie: Uh... hello?
:Cheese Sandwich: [grimly] Pinkie, I'm... I'm glad you came.
:Pinkie Pie: Of course I did. Your factory's... big. It really seems like you found your purpose. Which is perfect, since I came here for help.
:Cheese Sandwich: That is perfect. I knew I could count on you to help me.
:Pinkie Pie: Well, that's triple-perfect, because... uh, wait. Why do you need my help?
:Cheese Sandwich: Because, Pinkie, I... [claps]
:[ka-chunk]
:Cheese Sandwich: ...I completely lost my laugh!
:Pinkie Pie: [gasps]
:Pinkie Pie: You lost your laugh? Is that some kind of joke? Because it's not a funny one.
:Cheese Sandwich: It's not a joke. And even if it was, I... I wouldn't be able to laugh at it.
:Pinkie Pie: Riiiiight... Why don't we continue this discussion over some delicious canned peanut brittle, hmm? [laughs]
:[sproing]
:Pinkie Pie: Wow. You did lose your laugh. That's horrible!
:Sans Smirk: Sorry to interrupt, but it occurs to me that a seven percent tighter wind on the snake springs would yield a twelve percent increase in giggle output.
:Cheese Sandwich: This is why we're a team. Sans here has always been able to eke every last laugh out of my gags. W-Which is a help, since I haven't come up with any good ones in a while.
:Pinkie Pie: Wait. So you can tell if a gag is funny is not – you just can't laugh at it?
:Cheese Sandwich: [tearing up] Yes! And it's torture!
:Pinkie Pie: How did this happen?
:Cheese Sandwich: I don't know. Back when I was a party pony, I... I laughed at everything.
:Cheese Sandwich: [voiceover] I spread my party cheer wherever it was needed. I even started making individual, one-of-a-kind novelty gags for each and every one of my parties.
:[whack! whack! whack!]
:[foals laughing]
:Cheese Sandwich: [laughing]
:Cheese Sandwich: [voiceover] Soon, it seemed like everypony in Equestria wanted one.
:[excited sounds]
:[buzzing]
:Cheese Sandwich: [laughs]
:Cheese Sandwich: [voiceover] It was more work than my hooves could handle, but I didn't want to disappoint all those smiling faces.
:[door opens]
:Cheese Sandwich: [voiceover] Luckily, Sans Smirk came to me with the idea for a factory. A gag factory. I could finally keep up with demand and make everypony happy. Soon we were sending gags all over Equestria.
:[conveyor belt whirs]
:[flatulence]
:[conveyor belt whirs]
:[crank]
:[ribbit!]
:[conveyor belt whirs]
:[squirt]
:Cheese Sandwich: [voiceover] But then, one day, my laugh was just... gone.
:Cheese Sandwich: I haven't left the factory since. I-I don't want anypony to see me like this. I-I mean, look at me! Boneless 2 doesn't even recognize me anymore!
:[chair creaks]
:Cheese Sandwich: So, can you help me, Pinkie? W-What do you think?
:Pinkie Pie: I think I've got two words for you. Knock... knock.
:Cheese Sandwich: Who's there?
:Pinkie Pie: Boo.
:Cheese Sandwich: Boo who?
:Pinkie Pie: Don't cry, because I'm gonna get you your laugh back!
:Pinkie Pie: Let's start with something small. Excuse me, Mr. Smirk. But is there something in my... eye?!
:[rattling]
:Sans Smirk: Top notch eye-googling, Ms. Pie.
:Cheese Sandwich: [groans]
:Pinkie Pie: Why, thanks, Sans, ol' pal. Put her there!
:[buzzing]
:Sans Smirk: [groaning]
:[sizzle]
:Pinkie Pie: Oh. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you. How about some... pie?
:[splat!]
:Sans Smirk: Googly eye to hoof buzzer to pie-face pratfall. Mwah! Masterful.
:Cheese Sandwich: Meh.
:Pinkie Pie: Come on! Those classic bits put Rainbow Dash's funny bone in a cast for a week!
:Cheese Sandwich: Don't blame yourself, Pinkie. Whatever I got, I got it bad.
:Pinkie Pie: Hmmm... Maybe we need to start even smaller.
:Pinkie Pie: You can't run before you can walk, and you can't laugh before you can smile. And your smiler's all out of whack. Now let's see what we're working with. Give me your biggest, bestest smile!
:Cheese Sandwich: [straining] Am I doing it? Am I smiling? I feel like I'm smiling.
:Pinkie Pie: Almost... [laughing nervously] Maybe I just need to spot you for a rep or two. [straining] Okay! You got this! It's all you! Ready?
:Cheese Sandwich: Anything?
:Pinkie Pie: Awww...
:Cheese Sandwich: Guh.
:Pinkie Pie: I'm not giving up on you yet, Cheese. I know there's something somewhere that'll make you laugh. I just have to figure out where to look.
:Sans Smirk: I would like to take this opportunity to point out that we are in a gag factory.
:[door opens]
:Sans Smirk: This is where the magic happens – research and development. It's where we figure out the science of funny.
:Pinkie Pie: How do you science funny?
:Sans Smirk: Of course there's no one-size-fits-all joke. No grand unified gag theory. But if we figure out the funny of one gag, we can combine it with the funny of another gag and make a third funnier gag.
:[sproing]
:[splat]
:Pinkie Pie: I... guess that makes sense. "Rule of threes". Hmmm. One, two, three. Yup. That math checks out. Hmmm. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a try.
:[montage music]
:[awestruck sounds]
:[door closes]
:[clang!]
:[splash!]
:["uh-uh", "nope", etc.]
:[squirt]
:[pop-pop-pop]
:Pinkie Pie: [groans] I don't understand! We've tried everything! Stand-up, classic gag, physical humor, prop comedy, vaudeville, surrealist alt-scene character pieces – nothing's worked!
:Sans Smirk: It seems we've exhausted every avenue that even the science of comedy can provide.
:Cheese Sandwich: That's it then.
:Pinkie Pie: What do you mean?
:Cheese Sandwich: [sighs] I appreciate everything you've done, Pinkie, but if you can't make me laugh, nopony can.
:Sans Smirk: But, sir, you can't just surrender.
:Cheese Sandwich: It doesn't look like I have a choice. I need to figure out how to live without a laugh. I know you tried your best, but it's time you went home.
:[doors open]
:Pinkie Pie: [gasps]
:Sans Smirk: I, too, am horrified.
:Pinkie Pie: So that's it? You're all just giving up?
:Sans Smirk: I'm afraid Mr. Sandwich is right. You are the funniest pony in Equestria. And if you can't bring back his laugh, it is surely gone forever.
:Pinkie Pie: But... Cheese was just as funny as me. I-I can't believe that's all gone.
:[doors open]
:Sans Smirk: None of us can. I shudder to think what'll become of the factory.
:Pinkie Pie: You're not gonna close down, are you? I thought this place was Cheese's life's purpose!
:Sans Smirk: It certainly was mine. But if Mr. Sandwich has finally given up, there's only so long we can retool his old ideas before we run out of gags to produce. I don't suppose... you'd consider working here? Your fresh take on our classic gags rivals Mr. Sandwich in his prime.
:Pinkie Pie: I need to find my life's purpose, but I don't think that's it. I'm a party pony! I need to make ponies happy in real-time!
:Sans Smirk: Ah, yes. In our early days, nothing brought Mr. Sandwich more pleasure than seeing the laughter his gags brought to ponies firsthoof.
:Pinkie Pie: Guess it's back to the drawing board.
:Sans Smirk: Well, there will always be a place for you here if you change your mind.
:Pinkie Pie: Hold on. What did you just say?
:Sans Smirk: There'll always be a place for you here?
:Pinkie Pie: No-no-no-no. Before that.
:Sans Smirk: Back to the drawing board.
:Pinkie Pie: [groans] That was me!
:Sans Smirk: Nothing brought Mr. Sandwich more pleasure than seeing the laughter his gags brought to ponies firsthoof?
:Pinkie Pie: Yes! That! We've been going about this all wrong! We don't need to make Cheese laugh. He needs to make us laugh!
:[zip!]
:[door opens]
:Pinkie Pie: Cheese! I figured it out! I know why you can't laugh!
:Cheese Sandwich: What? Why?
:Pinkie Pie: You started this factory because you didn't want to disappoint smiling faces. But in here, you can't see any.
:Sans Smirk: [panting] It does make a certain sense, sir. Spreading laughter has always brought you joy.
:Cheese Sandwich: But spreading laughter is what this factory does.
:Pinkie Pie: Except you don't see it. You're a party pony like me. You need to make ponies smile in-person! Here. Just try it.
:Cheese Sandwich: Okay... um... [clears throat] Why did Boneless 2 cross the road? To prove to Boneless 1 he wasn't a chicken.
:Sans Smirk: Very funny, sir. Excellent joke. Oh! I mean... [forced laughter]
:Pinkie Pie: Really?
:Sans Smirk: Sorry. Not much of a laugher.
:Pinkie Pie: Here. Try me. I promise I'll laugh.
:Cheese Sandwich: Pinkie, you laugh at everything. I appreciate what you're doing, but I think it's a "cost lause". [stutters] A lost cause.
:Factory Pony: [snickers]
:Cheese Sandwich: What... was... that?!
:Factory Pony: Um, I'm sorry. When you swapped the letters of those words, it was just a bit...
:Cheese Sandwich: Funny?
:Factory Pony: Uh-huh.
:[factory ponies laughing]
:Sans Smirk: It's so good to have you back, sir. Finally we can get the factory back to how things used to be.
:Cheese Sandwich: Sans, my good pony, I don't think I could run this factory anymore. But you can!
:Sans Smirk: Without you? I-I don't understand.
:Cheese Sandwich: Pinkie was right. This is what I need.
:[factory ponies laughing]
:Cheese Sandwich: I just can't have funny ideas. I need to wander the land and see ponies laughing at them. You can run the factory, but I need to [operatically] liiiiiive! And don't think I've forgotten about you, little buddy.
:[chair creaks]
:Cheese Sandwich: I knew you'd be onboard. Don't worry. Out in Equestria, I'll have more great ideas for gags, and I'll send them all to you.
:Sans Smirk: Sir, are you sure this is what you want to do?
:Cheese Sandwich: Of course. It's my life's purpose!
:Pinkie Pie: Hey! That's what I came here looking for!
:Cheese Sandwich: You did? Well, come on! Let's figure it out!
:[factory ponies laughing]
:Pinkie Pie: Actually, I think I'm good.
:Pinkie Pie: ...And then I said goodbye, and then I came here! Oh! And then I gathered you all together and started telling you about it. First, I said—
:Twilight Sparkle: Well, that sounds like quite a trip!
:Fluttershy: And Cheese Sandwich just left his own factory?
:Pinkie Pie: Yup. But I think Sans Smirk's hooves were the perfect ones to leave it in. As much as Cheese was born to wander Equestria and make ponies laugh in-person, Sans was born to run that factory.
:Applejack: And you don't sound so worried about findin' your life's purpose anymore.
:Pinkie Pie: Nope! I figured out Cheese and I are pretty much the same. We both need to see ponies laughing to feel fulfilled. And I already do that. My life is purposing itself all over the place!
:Rarity: [giggles] I agree completely.
:Pinkie Pie: Thanks. Oh! I almost forgot! I got you all a little something from my trip. Who likes peanut brittle?
:[boom!]
:[squeak!]
:Mane Six: [laughing]
:[credits]