S05E14: We will likely kill a salad

== Background ==
We found Roreth, who turns out was the Rasputin-y person looking for the Forest Psalm, and then left him with the lizard people with a strict instruction not to release his gag. Then we promise the lizard people we'll kick out the Slaad on the third floor so they teach us how to go upstairs and there are definitely a lot of traps but we/Um deals with them.
== Session ==
Some things the group know about Slaads off the top of their head:
* Slaads are big level villains
* Slaads are creatures of pure chaos, they come from the realm of limbo
* Slaads hate Modrons and vice versa
* The fact that Slaads are on earth are really bad news, but it explains all the chaos goop we see everywhere
* In addition to just being tough, they’re big frog monsters with claws and teeth and stuff
* The Slaads have a very complicated reproduction cycle that involves colors and shit. Red reproduces by injecting eggs into you when they attack you dear god why
* tl;dr pure evil and chaos eldritch monsters from another dimension
* Also Slaads are scarily intelligent
Kanye read about Slaads as a kid - he remembers that you don’t instantaneously get preggers, you can get cured later by a cleric, just better to get it done sooner. Blue Slaads also can claw you and it’s pretty bad, Green Slaads also do some gross shit maybe?
Nissa thinks we’re misremembering it, it’s not Slaads, it’s something else.
Averlyth, from her goth phase, remembers that Green Slaads are the spellcaster types that can shape shift and eventually evolve into Grey Slaads, or Death Slaads, which are like the “really big bad gonna fuck you up” and no one has seen any in a thousand years.
The group gets to the top of the stairs.
The environment was already weird in this Pyramid, but the higher we have gotten, the weirder it is - up here, there is wild magic and chaos stuff just bursting at the seams. The walls are no longer recognizable as made out of building materials, and seem to change from foot to foot; some sections appear to be made out of glass, some appear to be made out of wood, then mushrooms, and they all change from moment to moment, accompanied by unsettling sounds.
Um rounds the corner to look around. He sees twinkly lights with no source, patches of mist that smell different from person to person. The most noticeable detail is that the volume of the noise has increased - it sounds like a loud, mechanical whooshing noise. There’s also a distressed-sounding voice, gibbering madly in draconic.
The main feature of this room is the giant glass cylinder going from floor to ceiling, seemingly to the peak of the pyramid. It is full of pure, unfiltered raw chaos goop, the same glistening fluid we saw running down the sides of the pyramid.
This cylinder appears professional and cleanly made - most likely dates back to the time of Peter the Perturbed - but it’s attached to some crudely made pipes that lay along the wall, through some rubble and attach to something past a wall. The pipes are leaking a little bit, and seem to be pumping the fluid into the cylinder.
In this room, we also see quite a few nests made of materials in the area, such as pieces of decaying cloth. In several of these, we see disgusting tadpole-looking things, but they have legs and teeth and look pretty unpleasant. Each nest has the body of a lizardfolk that the tadpoles are feeding upon.
Finally, Um sees a Red Slaad walking along the pipe, examining it. The Slaad isn't paying too much attention to the rest of the room, although his attention isn’t that fixated on the cylinder either, he's just sorta keeping a general eye on things.
Right before Um ducks back, he also sees an emaciated lizardfolk shimmy over to a wheel on a wall. He adjusts the wheel with a loud noise. Another leak appears in the pipe and some fluid shoots out at him, and he shrieks as he shifts under the chaos - wings sprout, colors change, and the Slaad unceremoniously waves for him to leave.
The Slaad turns the wheel himself and the leak disappears, but not before splashing him with the liquid too - to no effect. It seems the creatures are immune, and it’s clear that the Slaad have enslaved some lizard folk, who are likely also the source of the draconic gibbering.
From a map that the lizardfolk gave us, we know this floor also contains two areas labeled as the creator’s shrine and the creator’s pool.
Nissa recalls that Slaad are resistant to acid, cold, fire, lightning and fire, as well as overall magic.
Nissa: You know what they’re not resistant to? Taylor Swift.Kanye: Also kinetic force.Um points out that the group should also be wary of the changing environment during combat.
Kanye: Can I deploy my pocket workshop here?Carlos: Now’s not the time to 3D print shit, dude.Nissa, proudly: Kanye, are you doing science?Kanye deploys the pocket workshop - it looks a little off in a way that’s hard to describe, but it’s not obviously wrong like everything outside was. 
Detail - right now Doctor Snuggleface is orange, has an enormous head and is able to fly for some reason, but he’s pretty happy about it. When he barks, skittles just shoot out of his mouth.
Um returns to the group and relays what he saw. Carlos inquires if there was writing on the wheels, so Um sneaks back around the wall to sneak another glance - he can see what appears to some sort of wizard code, but isn't able to read much into it.
The group jokes about “burning” down the pyramid by flooding the space and peacing out - both Nissa and Carlos immediately think it’s a terrible idea, as magic portals don’t just shut down and would just end up floating in the remaining space.
Nissa points out that we’re finally fighting evil so we have a free pass to actually kill things.
Um: History is written by the winners.Averlyth: Then we better fucking win.The group decides to wait at the top of the stairwell while Carlos dips around the corner and spouts a poison spray at the nest closest to us, before scurrying back to the group. The tadpoles shrug off the poison. There are no sounds of pursuit or protesting - doesn’t seem like the tadpoles are particularly intelligent - so it seems like Carlos got away with it.
Carlos does it again.
This time, the tadpole looks very unhappy, squeals and makes its way out of the nest. As Carlos ducks back down the stairs, he hears noise following him.
Quick group placement - Kanye and Carlos are at the top of the stairs, Nissa is in the harness, and Um and Averlyth tag behind.
A red Slaad appears at the top of the staircase, along with a couple of tadpoles, one of which has severe poison burns and is looking at Carlos angrily.
Kanye goads the red Slaad and savagely punches him in the face, leaving three distinctive claw marks down his face. Then he gives him an uppercut to finish the Hadouken and the red Slaad does not look very happy.
Nissa casts Bane on both tadpoles and the red Slaad.
DM: They all failed quite badly - Slaads have negative charisma.Kanye: Can’t imagine why.Carlos prepares to cast chromatic orb!
Carlos: Chromatic orb is basically a ball of shit that does any magic type I want, including poison, which the salads are not immune to.Um: How big is this orb?Carlos: WOW. Everybody stand back. I’m about to throw a 4 inch diameter orb at a creature within range.Carlos casts a chromatic orb.
DM: He rolled a 3.Nissa: What about Bane? Oh it doesn’t matter.DM rolls again.DM: He rolled a 1.Carlos: I’m sorry that is not enough.The red Slaad is increasingly unhappy and staggers backwards, hissing in some profanity that the group doesn’t understand.
Averlyth blesses everyone in the group.
Two tadpoles slither forward and take a bite out of Carlos. He yells ‘fuck you tadpoles, get out of here, GIT’.
The red Slaad steps forward towards Kanye, who notices that some of the poison burns are starting to stitch itself together and begin healing. The Slaad attempts to take a bite at him - misses - and then goes to claw him twice - both miss.
Um runs up the wall matrix style and masterfully shoots a laser pistol at the red Slaad, who is now bloodied.
Kanye punches the salad twice.
Nissa insults the salad for being a bad nanny and he is deeply hurt.
After the group learns how two-weapon fighting works, Carlos enthusiastically stabs the two tadpoles nipping at his ankles. The one that was originally poisoned is now dead. Carlos flips that tadpole the bird.
Averlyth summons a giant gauntlet and slashes the Red salad from behind, killing it. Then the gauntlet swings around and flicks the last tadpole into a wall, where there’s a satisfying (you mean disgusting) squelch.
More noises come from the room.
Um gets onto the ceiling and cautiously advances into the main room. Upon seeing another red Slaad and 3 tadpoles, he fires another radiant laser blast at the salad and then hides.
Kanye takes a knee, Woodhouse hands him the rifle - Carlos guides his shot - Kanye effortlessly no-scopes the salad, who now is bloodied and only has one eye. Kanye dramatically drops the rifle. Woodhouse dives over to catch it in time.
Nissa casts Bane on this second group, and then hands bardic inspiration to Averlyth.
Carlos approaches the top of the stairs as Kanye takes a perfect shot. He now sees a salad with one eye; he might be imagining things, but Carlos also thinks the tadpole are looking at him and the tadpole blood on his hands.
Carlos: If I focus on the salad, can you all make sure the tadpoles don’t come eat me?Carlos prepares to cast another chromatic orb, although he’s not able to cast it at another 4th level spell slot. Averlyth questions the size.
Carlos: No, it’s the same girth as before. It’s not quite as effective the second time around…He throws a chromatic orb at the salad and it looks pretty fucked up.
Averlyth runs out into the main room - the gauntlet flies out and punches the Slaad in the chest with inspiration, and then slaps him across the face for good measure.
So this Slaad, which literally hasn’t even had a chance to do anything yet, just got shot twice, insulted, poisoned, punched and then bitch slapped.
He creepily stands up straight and some of his wounds start to heal in front of us.
He then fruitlessly tries to attack Kanye.
Um shoots out the salad’s other eye and he dies.
DM: There are three tadpoles and you have your stomping boots on.Kanye: What should I do...Averlyth: You should stomp them!Kanye: All of a sudden, I feel like I should stomp them…Kanye stomps on the first one - he feels a bit of a crunch but it’s still wriggling. He stomps it again and grinds it into the ground this time. There’s sort of a gross, wet popping sound.
Nissa insulted one of the two remaining untouched tadpoles - it can only understand Slaad, and yet it feels hurt.
Carlos casts magic missile, killing one of the tadpoles. Averlyth slaps at the ground on the remaining tadpole with the gauntlet - missing it - and then kills it with the second (bonus) attempt.
Averlyth flies her gauntlet over to one of the doorways before the spell ends, waving at any inhabitants. There is no response.
Kanye loots the dead salad and only receives goop.
Um trips and falls to the floor in the noisiest way possible, dropping his laser gun - everyone turns to look at him in shock - but nothing seems to come of it, and he goes up to the top of the map where he sees a pile of various things, seemingly remains of a door and materials and stuff. He informs the group about what’s there and picks up his gun from the ground.
Nissa searches the room - seems to just be lizardfolk stuff.
Kanye puts Nissa on his back and searches the room - seems to just be lizardfolk stuff.
Averlyth searches the room - seems to just be lizardfolk stuff.
Kanye searches the lizard bodies in the nests in case they had stuff. He receives grossness and asks Woodhouse to wash his hands.
Carlos asks Um if he can sneak over to the rubble and look through it. Then Nissa just goes and does it anyways.
Nissa sees a huge vat next to a bellows pump operated by two emaciated lizard folk, chained to the wall. The far wall is dominated by what can only be described as a jagged tear in the air itself, bordered by arcane symbols in ink. There’s a lizard half in and half out of the portal, gibbering madness, with his arms chained to this side of the portal.
This appears to be a mechanical contraption to pull raw chaos from limbo and pump it into the surrounding environments.
As wizardfolk magic users, Nissa and Averlyth are familiar with the text-book method of disrupting the runes around the portal, but the portal itself appears to also be protecting the runes.
Carlos confirms it’s definitely one way of disrupting runes.
Carlos steps in to talk to the lizardfolk. He is immediately interrupted by Kanye who kicks in the door - narrowly avoiding crushing one of the lizard folk to death - and proudly announces himself from the House of Cantaliber.
Carlos translates the introduction.
Kanye believes they look impressed, but they didn’t even stop pumping.
Carlos walks up and asks one of the lizardfolk what all the pumping is about. The reply he gets is a confusing mix of fear and desperation. Carlos asks how many Salads are here, and he’s told there are 2 red salads and 1 blue salad that had just gone through the portal.
Averlyth eases close to the portal to test the effect of the magic, and then stops about 10 feet away, worried that’s the point where she’d be affected.
The group discusses what else is on the floor to check out, and notices something on the map labeled “the creator’s shrine”.
Carlos: I don’t have anything that turns you into a fart. Oh wait! I sure do!The "fart" referenced is a spell for gaseous form.
Carlos: So the question is, do we turn someone into gas or kick down the door?Nissa: Kicking down a door has never gone wrong.Averlyth: Hello Kanye.Kanye: Kanye distinctly recalls being hurt by a door.The group realizes they could just open the door, but I think Kanye kicks it down anyways. The room consists of a bed, old worn books that break upon touch, and not much else.
Kanye looks under the door he knocked down and found nothing.
Um looks in the desk and the books, but everything appears to be too old. Weirdly, there’s also no evidence for the Slaad being there.
Averlyth looks under the bed and finds a small chest. Averlyth hands the chest to Um to check for traps. There appear to be no chests. Averlyth asks Kanye to open the chest.
Kanye takes a hammer and explodes the chest.
Nissa screams in horror and jumps off the harness to rummage through the ruins - she finds some shattered potions as well as a journal labeled “Peter the Perturbed’s journal — DO NOT READ” as well as a scroll of dispel magic with a written label on it that says of “in case of wild magic cascade”. Nissa lovingly wipes out the journal.
The group spends some time debating the best way to close the portal with the aid of this new scroll.
This is a 3 step plan:
# Nissa casts dispel magic on the portal with the scroll
# Averlyth waves her spiritual weapon to cut off the arms of the guy that’s half in and half out of the portal
# Carlos will grab a severed limb with his mage hand and use it as a big pen to scribble out the runes
Nissa positively trills her r’s while reading the scroll perfectly - the radiating waves of wild magic coming off the portal are immediately reduced. The runes, which were glowing a little before, have receded. We can now see they were simply painted on the walls.
All the magic users in the room can tell the portal has not been eliminated, merely suppressed. The lizardfolk in the portal is gibbering even louder.
Averlyth summons her spiritual weapon and cuts the arms off of the lizardfolk in the portal. The two other lizard folks scream “Bob!” in draconic, which Carlos understands. He immediately forgoes step 3 of his own plan to create an apricot pipe to calm them down.
Kanye is firmly situated with his laser rifle, watching the portal in case anything goes through.
Um reluctantly picks up a severed arm and defaces the runes with the blood. The portal immediately closes, cutting lizard Bob in half. He at least stops screaming.
Carlos: Oh huh, I guess we didn’t need to cut off his arm.Um: I want to say, there were several things about this that were not great, but we did it.Nissa skims through Peter the Perturbed’s journal for signs of the forest psalm. She finds quite a lot of stuff that catch her attention and almost distract her entirely - contemporary accounts of historical legends she’d only heard vague references to - but eventually she finds a page labeled “Forest Psalm - Do not read (aloud)”. Nissa finds herself in tears in her appreciation of the literary composition.
Um: What were we doing with this again?DM: You were preventing it from falling into the wrong hands.Um: Well, unless we’re the wrong hands, we’ve succeeded!The group briefly debates if we should go back out the pyramid to tell everyone we met along the way what’s up, and then decide they'll figure it out so we should just teleport out instead.
The group will level up next time!
Category:Episodes