Round Two

is the fourth episode of season one of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on July 22, 2020.
== Plot ==
The candidates descend to the second political debate of the campaign trail near Mt. Bikini National Park. It's life or death in the political world!
== Transcript ==
Mr. Chillyrooster: Welcome back folks, to tonight’s second debate of the Democratic primary season, right here outside Mt. Bikini National Park! Everyone wear a coat, hot chocolate is right at the back left, and enjoy the night!
(Debate intro: YOU ARE WATCHING… BBN!)
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, without further ado, let's welcome the candidates to the stage. Your candidates tonight are...Kelpy G!
[Kelpy G walks onto the stage, waving to the crowd. Crowd claps]
Mr. G: Any of you out in the audience that have criminal records, I’ll make that null and void!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Travis Pineapple!
[Travis Pineapple walks onto the stage]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [takes out an AK, aiming at Travis and firing]
Mr. Pineapple: [smiles, dodging the bullet, and continuing his way over to the podium]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Jim R’Onion!
[Jim R’Onion walks on the stage, crowd booes]
Mr. R’Onion: Why don’t you stop using your tongue in an impulsive manner?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Bernie Sanders!
[Bernie Sanders walks on the stage]
Mr. Sanders: Not me, us! Together, we will own society!
Mr. Chillyrooster: And finally, Joe Biden!
[Joe Biden walks on the stage]
Mr. Biden: Woah! [waves]
Old Man Jenkins: [from the audience] Ya got this, Joey!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Let’s start with the issue of gun control. Just moments ago, my fellow moderator Mr. Pepperchicken attempted to shoot Democratic candidate Travis Pineapple. In wake of incidents like this, do you believe there should be any further restrictions on firearms? Mr. Pineapple, as Mr. Pepperchicken’s intended victim, why don’t you go first?
Mr. Pineapple: I live in an area with some of the strictest gun control in Bikini Bottom. I've seen first-hand the unintended consequences of such a well-meaning policy. The hallways at Bikini Bottom High School are ram-packed. 
Mr. Biden: I am strongly for gun control. Now, Bernie Sanders on the other hand, voted against the Brady Bill five times.
Old Man Jenkins: (from the audience) Crazy Bernie is a puppet of the NRA!
Mr. Sanders: While Joe Biden claims to be in favor of gun control, he has voted on several occasions against blocking arms sales to oppressive regimes.
Mr. Biden: Well, I was talking about here in Bikini Bottom. Gun violence against foreigners - well, that’s completely fine.
Mr. G: I will pardon all Bikini Bottomites convicted for gun violence. As a war criminal, I know wh-
Mr. R’Onion: We keep talking about gun control. What we really need to be talking about is axe and chainsaw control! So many innocent trees have died as a result of these killing machines. That’s why I am calling for a ban on all tree assault weapons.
Mr. Renaud: As a Libertarian, I strongly believe in gun rights. I use my gun every single day in the studio, if you know what I mean. Everyone has the right to use any gun in existence.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, you’re not a Democratic candidate. You dropped out to run in the Libertarian primary, remember?
Mr. Renaud: Oh yeah! Well, more time to spend with the kiddies I guess! See ya!
[Mr. Renaud runs off the stage] 
Mr. Biden: A majority of Democratic voters support gun control, and I’m the only one on this stage with an extensive history supporting gun control measures, so that is why I should be the nominee!
Mr. R’Onion: Once again, you only want to restrict weapons which kill people. Not the axes that kill trees, the knives that kill tomatoes, and the sprays that kill roaches. Killing any species, even a mosquito, should result in a charge of murder!
Mr. Biden: In that case everyone should be arrested, including yours truly!
Mr. Sanders: [coughs] As you should be.
Mr. Biden: What was that, Mr. Sanders?
Mr. Sanders: Nothing, I just have a cold.
Mr. Biden: Mr. Bernie here has also voted to give immunity to the monsters behind these weapons of mass destruction. Extremism!
Mr. Sanders: Sir, the gun manufacturers are very fine people. They gave $25 million dollars and an A+ rating to me and my movement!
Mr. Biden: How could you take money from gun manufacturers?
Mr. Sanders: The real question is how could I not? If there's one thing I love, it's free stuff! What's your big deal with these people? 
Mr. Biden: Excuse me Senator, but in case you didn't know, 100 million people die from gun violence in Bikini Bottom every year!
Mr. Sanders: Mr. Vice President, 100 million people don't even live in Bikini Bottom. 
Mr. G: Unlike these two old coots, my plan guarantees every fish in the seven seas a bulletproof vest! Vote Kelpy G!
[Audience claps]
Smellies: [yell in praise]
Mr. G: Thank you to my adoring fans, mwaha!!
Mr. Pineapple: MR. G! You committed war crimes during the 2018 Bikini Bottom Civil War. War criminals like you belong in The Hague, not the Oval Office. 
Mr. G: [leans into the mic] Respectfully disagree. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Alright, gentlemen. Moving on. The next topic of the night shall be… capital punishment! Let's start with Senator Sanders. You have voiced strong opposition to capital punishment your entire career. Your colleagues on the stage, have murky records and different views, however. Vice President Biden supported the death penalty in the 1994 crime bill.
Mr. Biden: But that was like… two centuries ago. And avast there, ye scallywag! Sanders supported that bill, too!
Mr. Sanders: Joe, there's a difference between supporting a ‘’provision’’ of that bill, and writing the whole, cursed thing.
Mr. Biden: It's called being on the right side of history! Proud to be on the right side of the history books.
Mr. Sanders: Tell that to the helpless souls behind bars.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. Pineapple supports the death penalty for war criminals like George W. Bush.
Mr. Pineapple: And Joe Biden. 
Mr. Biden: Wait, what? 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. G. supports the death penalty for anti-war activists, and of course, Donald Trump, who would be your opponent if you clinch the nomination, supports the death penalty for Islamic terrorism and national security threats of Bikini Bottom. How do you respond?
Mr. Sanders: Well, first of all, the death penalty is one of the worst injustices and flaws in the criminal justice system. No other nation does it as often as we do.
Mr. Biden: This is Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Sanders: Yeah, but Bikini Bottomites don't want that maltreatment. Look, in a study published by the Bikini Bottom University shows that up to 34% of victims of capital punishment were later subject to exoneration.
Mr. Pineapple: Sir, war criminals are not subject to exoneration. They deserve more than death! They deserve-
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. Pineapple, please allow the senator from Vermont to finish his statement.
Mr. Pineapple: Phooey.
Mr. Sanders: Thank you, if I may continue: capital punishment costs taxpayers...
Mr. Krabs: [yells from the crowd] NOT ME!
Mr. Sanders: … millions of dollars more than normal life imprisonment. It's cruel and a violation of basic human rights.
Mr. Biden: Just like the persecution of fish and how they are taken to concentration camps in Shell City.
SpongeBob: [from the crowd] WOOOO!
Squidward: [smudges forehead]
SpongeBob: I've been there. It's so torturous! Best line of the night!
Mr. Sanders: Now if you'd excuse me and let me continue-
Mr. Biden: You haven't said a word about that, Bernie.
Old Man Jenkins: [from the crowd]Tell it like it is! Haha, Crazy Bernie!
Mr. Pineapple: You have no problem with funding concentration camps for Palestinians though. 
Mr. Biden: Oh come on, man. I condemned Israel so hard they felt sorry for themselves. That's a bunch a malarkey! Give me a break, Jack.
Mr. Pineapple: Talk is cheap, what really matters is action. You can condemn their actions all you want, but as long as you're funding those actions, those condemnations are meaningless. 
Mr. Chillyrooser: Gentlemen, please let the Senator from Vermont finish.
Mr. Sanders: It is that why I believe capital punishment is a gross black-hearted piece of excrement that deserves to be burned, blazed, scorched, scalded, seared, discolored, and blackened into the ground!
Mr. R’Onion: Sir. [microphone doesn't work] Sir! [microphone doesn't work] SIR! Excuse me sir!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh, of course. We almost forgot-
Mr. R’Onion: This debate is rigged! Everyone has gotten mahoosive amounts of speaking time, except me! My microphone is as tattered as a piece of cardboard (ECO-FRIENDLY) from the 1950s.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Our apologies, kind sir. What would you like to say?
Mr. R’Onion: I would like to say, that all of my, ahem, compadres on stage here, are DEAD WRONG.
Mr. Pineapple: How so?
Old Man Jenkins: Shut down, green soul.
Mr. R’Onion: You see, we need to destroy the destroyers of humanity… the human predators of precious forest trees, the logging companies of acres of green lush forests, the deranged poachers and their leaders… all of them are destroying the world and humanity by the minute!
Mr. Biden: Uh, wha-?
Mr. R’Onion: These cretins deserve to be raw meat, but only in the most special manner.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Please elaborate.
Mr. R’Onion: If I am elected President of Bikini Bottom, in the Chum Coliseum, we will all watch as spectators as Lionfish demolish every murderer who murders animals or green life, every politician who abets in their crimes-
Mr. Krabs: [yells in protest] You can't do that! My client is protected by the Secret Service!
Mr. Biden: Mr. R'Onion, as you can see with your two eyes here, sorry to break the sad, sad news, but extremism belongs in Shell City.
Mr. R’Onion: Mr. Biden, may I remind you that the only reason Shell City is a hotbed for extremism in the first place is because your administration overthew the democratically elected government and installed a fascist dictatorship?
Mr. Chillyrooster: We’ll be right back, for the final stretch of the debate, after this commercial break, right here, only… on BBN!
[Commercial break starts with a commercial of the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Have you heard the saying that a Krabby Patty a day keeps the doctors away? Delicerous, quality eatery is only available right here at the Krusty Krab!
[Then a commercial from Mrs. Puff’s Boating School]
Mrs. Puff: At Mrs. Puff’s Boating School, you'll learn and exceed with excellence in the necessary curriculum and knowledge required to hit the road! 99.99% of my students pass, except a certain yellow sponge, but that's a story for another day. Join today!
[Finally, a commercial from Donald Trump for President, Inc.]
Narrator: The radical left wants to take away your guns!
(Clip of Biden saying, “Bingo! I’m going to go after your AK-47s!”)
Narrator: Your healthcare!
[Clip of Bernie angrily saying, “Private healthcare will be a tale of fiction under my administration!”]
Narrator: Your jobs, with stupid trade agreements!
[Clip of Biden saying, the TPP with Rock Bottom was a true success story!]
Narrator: And finally, your children’s future!
[Clip of Mr. Pineapple saying, “Let's raise the tax rate to 100%. Period!”]
Narrator: President Trump is changing things. Creating 6 million new jobs. 500,000 new manufacturing jobs.
Narrator: It's no secret, the left hates him. But Mr. Nice Guy won't cut it. It takes a tough guy to change Washington — It takes Donald Trump!
Donald J. Trump: I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message!
Mr. Hoodlercabob: And welcome back to the debate. Our final topic of the night before closing statements will be taxes. Mr. Pineapple, you have said you'd raise taxes to 100% for incomes exceeding $300,000 per year. You said this to quell concerns on financing some of your more *expensive* proposals. Mr. G. has voiced a similar sentiment, though he has not gone that far. He said he'd support a 75% tax on incomes exceeding $1,000,000 per year to finance his signature plan: Universal Basic Income. Why do you both feel that these taxes are normal, and are they worth it? Mr. Pineapple, let's start with you.
Mr. Pineapple: You see, we have a massive problem in this country. It's called the billionaire class. While 500,000 fish sleep on the streets and night and collect pennies in rusted cans, 50 billionaires — the 1% — sleep in the luxurious scenes of a lifetime. These billionaires have ripped off their workers for so long, and their workers had a role to play in their accumulation of wealth.
So, I hate the idea of political correctness, so I'm going to be frank: billionaires deserve to be mauled and deprived of all their precious fortunes and annihilated, obliterated, and under siege under a Travis administration. We need these greedy buffoons to pay up to finance Medicare for all — a plan that will cost $30 trillion over ten years — because the public deserves basic human rights.
Therefore, pay up… rich moguls! (points and snaps at Mr. Krabs) That includes you in the back!
Mr. Krabs: Hey! I'll never pay a cent in taxes!
Mr. Biden: Travis here has been brainwashed by communist propaganda for far too long, so don't take him at his exact word. Here's the deal — the fact of the matter is, we must increase taxes. We must reverse these tax cuts that Republicans gave to rich fish and corporate giants back in 2017. But we cannot overstep or go over the limits.
Billionaires are a functional part to society. Travis here is prejudiced against class groups because he isn't a billionaire, he's just a vocal activist with no business experience. If he only had some ice cream every now and then to take a break from the amount of leftism he's exposed to on a daily basis, then we'd all be better off.
Also, Medicare for all works in a picture book, but not in a sophisticated society.
Mr. Pineapple: I'm the one prejudiced against class groups? Mr. Biden, your healthcare plan would kill 125k poor Bikini Bottomites. 
Mr. Biden: I love killing poor Bikini Bottomies. Takes me back to the good ol' days. The only thing I love more is killing foreigners. 
Kelpy G: Imagine this: imagine a world with no billionaires but also no one living in boxes in the streets…
Squidward: Wow.
Kelpy G: Imagine this: Imagine a world where everyone gets Basic Income instead of working 14 hours a day.
Patrick: Wow.
Kelpy G: Imagine this: Imagine a world where all of these greedy, capitalist crustaceans and old folk didn't continue to run our politics, but rather our retirement homes.
Old Man Jenkins: HEY! Dagnabbit!
Smellies: [gasp]
Kelpy G: If you envision that world, then breathe in, and breathe out, and vote for Kelpy G! #FeelTheKelp
Bernie Sanders: I disagree with the level and degree of taxes from my fellow candidates, but I will say this: we need a wealth tax, a fair and square wealth tax, to tax up the estates of millionaires and billionaires who get a tax haven by evading or avoiding capital gains taxes as well. We must tax financial assets to the fullest degree!
That's where the most money can be made from!
Joe Biden: The government would be ripping off the private sector. Tyranny!
Mr. Pepperchicken: All right, final commercial break before closing statements. Campaign officials will get the chance to speak with their candidates momentarily before closing statements and the conclusion of today’s debate. Only on… BBN!
[Sandy Cheeks, Squidward Tentacles, and Mrs. Puff get up on stage to talk to Bernie]
Sandy: You did great tonight!
Mrs. Puff: Absolutely killed it!
Squidward: You should call Travis a “spoiler” and Swampman Joe Biden a “damn fool” and sabotage both of them.
Locknloaded23: [gets up on stage to whisper something to Mr. Pineapple] For your closing statement, call Joe Biden a blasted buffoon and Crazy Bernie a “Do-Nothing Conservative!”
[Mr. Banana, Golfpecks256, SpongeBob SquarePants, and Old Man Jenkins rush up to the stage to talk to Joe Biden]
Mr. Banana: Great defense tonight, Mr. Vice President!
Golfpecks256: [shakes hand] Keep steady tight, you're the front-runner. Remember that. Don't go on offense. Only defense.
Old Man Jenkins: Ol’ Joe! That was a spectacle! You had more energy than Low Energy Bernie! The other two garbage cans who insulted you aren't competitive, so don't worry about ‘em! Focus on the grand prize!
Joe Biden: Alrighty!
Old Man Jenkins: Yeah!
[The Smellies gather up to Kelpy G]
Mr. Kelpy G: Greetings.
[Smellies talk in their language]
Mr. Kelpy G: Uh-huh.
[Smellies talk]
Mr. Kelpy G: Uh-huh.
[Smellies talk gibberish]
Mr. Kelpy G: Okay, got it.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Welcome back to the debate, and we’ll be hearing closing statements from each of the candidates now. Mr. G, let's start with you.
Mr. G: Thank you, Mr. Chillyooster. I'd like to proclaim on this day at this time, that I'm the winner of the presidential election. I can feel it in my bones, so I will not be making a statement tonight. Thank you all, and may God Bless the Smellies and world of Jazz!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Pineapple?
Mr. Pineapple: Billionaires are evil, Bernie is a Do-Nothing Conservative, nowhere near progressive enough to meet the challenges of the 21st century, Sleepy Joe, is-
Mr. Biden: [wakes up] Huh?
Mr. Pineapple: Is a blasted buffoon and a war criminal. No wonder he now opposes the death penalty, despite his hypocrisy from 1994! We deserve to lock every war criminal up and put them to trial. Who's with me?!
[crickets, and then some people start clapping awkwardly]
Mr. Pineapple: I know it's late, but wake your round, doggy eyes up. I said:Who's with me?!
[applause]
Mr. Pineapple: That's better. Thank you, and good night. Together, we will defeat the powerful terrorists of the swamp and give back this country to YOU! [points] The people!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. R’Onion?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Mr. Bernie?
Mr. Sanders: It’s “Mr. Sanders,” “Senator Sanders,” or “Bernie” but okay. For too long, our political system has been corrupted by damn fools like Joe Biden. We have been given the opportunity to stand up to the corporate greed we’ll face in our journey, and fundamentally change Bikini Bottom to benefit all working families!
Squidward: [holds up a sign] Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: [snores]
Mr. Sanders: We cannot run against Donald Trump on the same-old, same-old. We need a fresh vision for this wasteland, and that would be mine: Not me, Us! Vote for a future for your grandchildren! Vote for a future to believe in! Vote for me! Feel the Bern! Good night!
[Loud applause]
Mr. Pepperchicken: And finally, last but not least, Vice President Biden?
Mr. Biden: Folks, we have a chance to restore the soul of Bikini Bottom. For too long, polarizing figures have destroyed our politics with vengeance and selfishness. And unwillingness for bipartisanship and working together. That nonsense stops here, and stops right now. Folks, that's why I'm running for the Bikini Bottom Senate. We have to restore the soul of Bikini Bottom. Making sure that everyone comes along.
Old Man Jenkins: YEAH!
Mr. Biden: And unite a country behind common purpose. We can achieve anything if we do it together.
[People start applauding]
Mr. Biden: God Bless You All, and May God Protect Our Troops!
Mr. Pineapple: Protect them? Pft, I hope he kills them. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: And that, ladies and gentlefish, concludes the second Democratic Debate!. Candidates, thank you! [Audience continues to applaud] Watch more BBN, and we’ll see you all on the campaign trail!
[Fireworks outside Mt. Bikini start as the candidates leave the stage, into the spin room, and the episode ends here].
Category:Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:2020 Episodes
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Category:Kingshire TV
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