Transcripts/A Matter of Principals

:[chest opens]
:Twilight Sparkle: Who can tell me what these are?
:Sandbar: Whoa...
:Gallus: Me likey...
:Yona: Shiny!
:Smolder: Treasure?
:Ocellus: Nope! They're all legendary magical artifacts!
:[beat]
:Ocellus: Heh-heh. I've read ahead in Equestrian Cultures and Camaraderie: Volume Seven.
:Twilight Sparkle: You're right, Ocellus. This is the Amulet of Aurora, the Talisman of Mirage, the Helm of Yksler, the Crown of Grover, Knuckerbocker's Shell, and Clover the Clever's Cloak.
:Spike: And the gems are real! Eh, not that I... tasted them.
:Twilight Sparkle: Princess Celestia gifted these to our school, since they each represent one of the cultures our students come from. And we'll learn all about them in a Spell-venger Hunt!
:[beat]
:Smolder: [aside, to Sandbar] Is that a pony thing?
:Sandbar: Eh.
:Twilight Sparkle: It's a magical scavenger hunt. Each of you will work in pairs to try to find where in the school these artifacts are hidden.
:Spike: The team that finds the most wins a private tour of the Canterlot Archives with Princess Celestia.
:Twilight Sparkle: [giggles]
:Silverstream: [excited squeal] Learning and fun?! Does it get any better than that?!
:Gallus: You've been underwater a long time, haven't you?
:Twilight Sparkle: Gallus and Silverstream, sounds like you're our first pair!
:Students: [gasp]
:Twilight Sparkle: What? They'll make a great team.
:[cutie mark glowing]
:Yona: Um, why pony glowing?
:[doors open]
:Twilight Sparkle: Wait. You all were called on this friendship quest, too?
:Fluttershy: It must be a really important one.
:Rarity: And terribly far away.
:Rainbow Dash: Just getting there will take days!
:Applejack: Do y'all know what this means? There won't be any teachers left to run the school!
:Mane Six except Applejack: [gasp]
:
:Fluttershy: Should we send our students home?
:Pinkie Pie: I say we take 'em with us! Road trip!
:Rarity: In the middle of my friendship quilting class? I think not! All of those unfinished seams! [faints]
:Applejack: Problem is we don't even know how long we'll be gone.
:Twilight Sparkle: Don't worry, everypony. I already have a seventy-point plan in place for this very situation.
:Starlight Glimmer: You want me to be headmare?!
:Twilight Sparkle: You're the perfect choice! You're a good leader and an expert in friendship. I trust you to run this school exactly as I would.
:Starlight Glimmer: Uh, that's a pretty big responsibility, Twilight.
:Twilight Sparkle: Which is why I've prepared everything you need.
:[bell ringing]
:[door opens]
:Twilight Sparkle: The curriculum, rules for the Spell-venger Hunt, dining hall menus for the next six months...
:Spike: Six months?! You're not really gonna be gone that long, are you?
:Twilight Sparkle: ...and Spike. Anything that isn't covered in my files, he'll be able to help you with.
:Starlight Glimmer: Then why not put him in charge?
:Spike: No-ho-ho, thanks. Eh, being a princess for Twilight was hard enough.
:Starlight Glimmer: I'm gonna pretend that made sense. But if you're sure it's what you really want, I promise I won't let you down.
:Twilight Sparkle: I knew I could count on you.
:[door closes]
:Spike: [yells]
:Starlight Glimmer: Great. What could possibly go wrong?
:[galloping]
:Spike: Goodbye, Rarity! A-And everypony!
:Starlight Glimmer: Come back soon! Please!
:Discord: [blows nose]
:Starlight Glimmer: Huh?
:Discord: [through mock tears] I hate goodbyes, don't you? I just go to pieces.
:[pop!]
:Starlight Glimmer: Discord! What a... heh... nice surprise! This is your first time at our new school, isn't it?
:Discord 1: Oh, was I not invited to the grand opening?
:Discord 2: Friends and Family Day?
:Discord 3: Baccalaureate?
:All three Discords: I hadn't noticed.
:[flash]
:Starlight Glimmer: Well, at least you're here now. Um, why are you here now?
:Discord: To fill in for Twilight, of course, as head-draconequus. I seem to recall a whole song about how this school is where you make your own rules. Now, who better at that than me?
:Spike: Then you also must've heard Starlight is in charge now.
:Discord: Really? I thought there must be some mistake.
:[flick]
:Starlight Glimmer: Nope. Twilight picked me for the job. And she left pretty detailed instructions for me to follow.
:Discord: Well, I'm sure that she wouldn't mind a few tiny suggestions. [snaps fingers]
:[flash]
:Discord: [writing] "Item one – Gravity is optional."
:[warbling]
:Starlight Glimmer: Whoa-oa!
:Discord: "Item two – The school's new mascot is an ambidextrous marmoset."
:[marmoset mascot squeaks]
:Discord: "Item three—"
:Starlight Glimmer: Not gonna happen. I promised Twilight I'd handle this her way. So thanks, but no thanks.
:Discord: Reeeeeeally? Well, we'll see if you change your mind. [snaps fingers]
:[flash]
:[splash]
:Spike: Uh-oh. When we play Ogres & Oubliettes and he puts that many E's in "really", the things don't usually end well.
:Starlight Glimmer: Don't worry, Spike. Discord and I are old "save Equestria" buddies. He'll be fine. Now, what's next on Twilight's list?
:[door opens]
:Spike: Okay. I hid the artifacts for the Spell-venger Hunt and ordered school supplies for the week. All you have to worry about is teaching class.
:Starlight Glimmer: [sighs] Thanks, Spike. Maybe we will get through this okay.
:[doors open]
:[peacocks call]
:[Castle Thunder]
:[typewriter clicking]
:Discord: Come in, come in. You'll let the twittermites out. [munches]
:Spike: Twittermites?
:[swarming]
:Spike: Ow!
:[splash]
:Starlight Glimmer: Discord! What are you doing?!
:Spike: [gasps for air]
:Discord: Nopony was at your desk. Imagine what Twilight would say. [imitating Twilight] Oh, how could you, Starlight?! You've broken my trust and failed me completely! [normal voice] Oh, don't worry. I'll cover for you. By the way, I hope you like Limburger cheese. I got a month's supply for the teacher's lounge. [snaps fingers]
:[flash]
:[crate opening]
:Spike: [screams]
:[squish!]
:Spike: [sniffs, gags]
:Starlight Glimmer: [gags] We'll take it from here, Discord. Go relax. Have a cup of tea. At home.
:[door stops]
:Discord: Oh! Some thanks for all my help. And after I hired all those substitute teachers for you.
:[splat]
:Spike: Actually, that does sound kinda helpful. And it was next on our to-do list.
:Starlight Glimmer: Which teachers did you hire?
:[stomp]
:Iron Will: They call it "making friends", because you have to make creatures be your friends! Show me what you've got, yak!
:Yona: [clears throat, quietly] Be my friend.
:Iron Will: If you're quiet, I don't buy it!
:Yona: [louder] Be my friend!
:Iron Will: I've heard pudding that's more convincing!
:Yona: [huffs, even louder] Be! My! Friend!
:[zip!]
:Starlight Glimmer: [quietly] That's not how Twilight teaches friendship.
:Cranky Doodle Donkey: Some field trip! Where's my iced tea?! [sips, gulps, spits] This is too cold! [sips, gulps, spits] Now it's too hot!
:[pours]
:Cranky Doodle Donkey: [sips, gulps, spits] Now it's too tea-flavored!
:[clatter]
:Cranky Doodle Donkey: You call yourselves friends?!
:Spike: That is definitely not how Twilight teaches friendship.
:Discord: [sips]
:Starlight Glimmer: You hired a tree as a teacher?!
:Discord: Its schedule was free.
:Spike: Uh, guys? That's not just any tree.
:Smolder: [sneezes]
:Students: [scream]
:Spike: [blows nose] It's a dragon-sneeze tree.
:Smolder: [sneezes]
:Students: [scream]
:Starlight Glimmer: W-W-W-Wait! Calm down, everycreature! It's gonna be okay!
:Yona: [yells] BE MY FRIEEEEENNNND!
:Discord: Mmmm, my, my, my. You do seem like you're in over your head. Won't Twilight be so disappointed with how you're ruining—I mean, running her school?
:Students: [screaming]
:Starlight Glimmer: Discord!
:Discord: [munching]
:Starlight Glimmer: This is all your fault!
:Discord: Mine? I thought you were in charge here. But I'm happy to pitch in if you need me.
:[flash]
:Starlight Glimmer: What I need is for you to leave!
:Discord: [snaps fingers]
:[flash]
:Discord: Happy now?
:Spike: Come on, Discord. You know that's not what she means.
:Discord: Fine! From now on, I won't try to help. At! All!
:Starlight Glimmer: [groans] Thanks, Spike. Let's just hope he stays gone.
:Spike: I wouldn't count on it. I think Discord's trying to test you.
:Starlight Glimmer: But why? I thought we were friends.
:Spike: Well, it's kinda what he does. Even to ponies or dragons he cares about.
:Starlight Glimmer: Oh, well, I'm ready for him. I told Twilight I'd run her school right, and I'm gonna keep that promise. No matter what.
:[nighttime ambience]
:Starlight Glimmer: Good morning, students! I know there's been a little bit of adjustment since the professors left for their trip. But I've brought in new new teachers. And now everything should run smoothly. Now it's time for class. And don't forget, this afternoon is the Spell-venger Hunt!
:Students: [chattering]
:[door slams open]
:[stock gasp sound]
:Discord: [California accent] Yo! Greetings, fellow creatures!
:[flash]
:Discord: Is this seat taken?
:Ocellus: [laughs nervously]
:[poof]
:Trixie: Welcome, class! You may call me the Great and Powerful Professor Trrrrrri—
:[phone ringing]
:Discord: Shhh! Really, that's so inconsiderate!
:[phone ringing]
:[bananaphone ringing]
:Discord: Oh, I better take this. Hello?
:Voice on bananaphone: [garbled sped-up gibberish]
:Discord: Oh, he did not! And what did you say?
:Voice on bananaphone: [garbled sped-up gibberish]
:Discord: [gasps] You did not!
:Trixie: Discord! Why are you here?!
:Discord: Why, I'm a student of friendship, of course. Unless you don't think you're good enough to teach me.
:Trixie: Of course I am! No fruit calls in my class!
:[banana peels]
:Discord: [gulps]
:Trixie: Magic is the most important element of friendship. So, today I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, will put on a magic show!
:Discord: [snaps fingers]
:[Pigasus squeals]
:[ursa major roaring]
:Students: [scream]
:Discord: [chuckles] I'm learning so much. Aren't you?
:Trixie: [growls] Discord!
:[doors close]
:[bananaphone ringing]
:[beep]
:Trixie: Eh, hello?
:Voice on bananaphone: [garbled sped-up gibberish]
:Trixie: Um, what exactly is a long-distance plan?
:Yona: [pants]
:Discord: Take a lap, team!
:Sandbar: Uh, actually, we just finished Professor Spitfire's workout.
:Discord: Sounds like somepony needs a little motivation. [blows whistle]
:[flash]
:Students: [gasp, scream]
:[bugbear growls]
:Silverstream: I've never run so fast in my life! Oh, this is great!
:Sandbar: [pants] Hey, coach, we need a break.
:Discord: Friendship is about honesty. So believe me when I say... we're not stopping! [blows whistle]
:Sandbar: [yelps, pants]
:[bugbear growls]
:Yona: [panting] Yona... can't run... faster...! [grunts]
:[bugbear growls]
:[zap!]
:[bugbear whimpers]
:Starlight Glimmer: Discord, that's enough! Endangering students crosses the line! I don't know why you're trying to ruin this school, but it stops now!
:[flash]
:Discord: I wouldn't be so sure.
:Starlight Glimmer: This is your last warning.
:Spike: Hey-hey-hey! Take it easy, Starlight! Discord's your friend, remember?
:Starlight Glimmer: Well, he's not acting like it!
:Spike: [huffs] She's right, Discord. What's your problem?
:Discord: My problem? How is the fact that Twilight decided to put an incompetent, power-hungry unicorn in charge of her school my problem?!
:Starlight Glimmer: [gasps, yells]
:[zap!]
:[crackles]
:Students: [shudder]
:Starlight Glimmer: [nervous laughter] Don't worry. I just banished him from school grounds forever. He's fine.
:Spike: That probably made things worse. Why didn't you just talk to Discord?
:Starlight Glimmer: Because he's right about one thing. I've been doing a terrible job as headmare.
:Spike: No, you haven't. Discord is just bein'... Discord.
:Starlight Glimmer: Maybe. But I wonder why me being in charge bothers him so much.
:[school bell rings]
:Spike: We can figure that out after the Spell-venger Hunt. C'mon!
:[doors open]
:Starlight Glimmer: For this afternoon's Spell-venger Hunt, you'll need to use the artifacts' history to find where they're hidden in the castle. When you spot one, touch it with a magic shield to keep track of your score.
:Spike: Twilight left the list of your hunt partners before she left. I'll pass out the shields.
:Starlight Glimmer: Ready... set... Spell-venger Hunt!
:[gong strikes]
:Students: [chattering]
:Spike: C'mon! We can use Twilight's observatory to watch the teams!
:Students: [chatter continues]
:Smolder: I hope you know where you're going.
:Ocellus: To the Helm of Yksler!
:Smolder: Eh, works for me.
:Ocellus: In our book, it says Yksler was an honorable yak warrior. Any enemies that saw him put down their weapons in peace. I think his artifact must be in one of these suits of armor.
:Smolder: I'm guessing that one.
:[shields flash]
:Ocellus: Yes! One down, five to go!
:[slaps]
:Starlight Glimmer: Awww, Ocellus and Smolder found their first artifact! Wait. What's that?
:Ocellus: Uh, I don't think that's part of the Spell-venger Hunt!
:Ocellus and Smolder: [scream]
:Ocellus: The school is haunted!
:Smolder: And not cool!
:Starlight Glimmer and Spike: [gasp]
:Silverstream: We're totally gonna win this Spell-venger Hunt!
:Gallus: Yeah, I doubt that. But at least I know where one of the artifacts is. Saw Spike hide it yesterday.
:[thud]
:Gallus: The Crown of Grover! Score!
:[shimmer!]
:Gallus: They say it's magic and King Grover used it to become the first ruler of Griffonstone. I know, pretty sweet, right?
:Silverstream: You paid attention in class!
:Gallus: What?! I-If you ever tell an—
:[slam!]
:Gallus: Whoa!
:Silverstream: 3D painting!
:King Grover Painting: [screeches]
:Gallus and Silverstream: [scream]
:Changeling Painting: [hisses]
:[students screaming]
:Pony Painting: [hisses]
:[students screaming]
:Discord's Ghost: [laughing]
:Starlight Glimmer: Yup, that's definitely Discord. This is not good.
:Spike: I thought you banished him from the school.
:Starlight Glimmer: Only his body. Apparently, his ghost can come and go just fine. Let's go. We have to stop this.
:[lift clanking]
:Spike: How? No offense, but I don't think magic is the answer against Discord.
:Starlight Glimmer: This time, I'm not using magic.
:Yona: Hmm... What Yona look for?
:Sandbar: The Shell of Knuckerbocker. It's like a seashell, but if you blow into it, you call a dragon! There's a sweet poem in our book about it. "Climb to the heights with dragon flight." [gasps] Like flight of stairs!
:Yona: Yona take pony word for it.
:[squish]
:Yona: Huh?
:Sandbar: [grunts] What's happening?!
:Yona: Ugh! Yona not know! But Yona do know Yona not like Spell-venger Hunt!
:Discord's Ghost: [laughing] Boo! Boo! Boo!
:[students screaming]
:Ocellus: [yelps] Whoa!
:Starlight Glimmer: Everycreature, stop!
:Silverstream: B-B-B-But the school is haunted!
:Starlight Glimmer: It's not haunted. It's Discord.
:[poof!]
:Discord's Ghost: Headmare Starlight! Look at me! Look! I won the Spell-venger Hunt! Well done, me! Now what's my prize?
:Spike: Detention.
:Discord's Ghost: Well, that's disappointing.
:Starlight Glimmer: Discord, you can't keep messing up the school.
:Discord's Ghost: On the contrary. I think I rather can. And will.
:Starlight Glimmer: Then I have just one thing to say to you.
:Discord's Ghost: Oh, do go on.
:Starlight Glimmer: I'm sorry.
:Discord's Ghost: What?
:[zap!]
:Starlight Glimmer: I had to stop thinking like a headmare and start thinking like a guidance counselor to finally understand. You felt left out.
:Discord: Uh... [stuttering] I don't know what you're getting at.
:Starlight Glimmer: Nopony ever invited you to the school. And when you offered to help, I didn't listen. I was so worried about doing things Twilight's way, I didn't stop to think about being a good friend. I'd like to apologize for that. And offer you the job of vice headmare.
:Spike: Huh?
:Silverstream: Really?!
:Gallus: What?!
:Ocellus: Why?!
:Yona: No!
:Smolder: Him?!
:Sandbar: Totally confused.
:Discord: I accept! I mean, I-I-I suppose I can find some time in my busy schedule to help you out. But I will need my own office, expense account, parking space...
:Spike: You're new to the world of education, aren't you?
:Starlight Glimmer: Next time you want something, just ask for it, all right?
:Discord: But then we'd miss out on all those delightful misadventures.
:Spike: Hey! Watch the wings!
:Starlight Glimmer: Now, Vice Headmare Discord, if you'll help me get this Spell-venger Hunt back in order.
:Discord: [snaps fingers] Everything is re-hidden.
:[rattling]
:Silverstream: [screams]
:Discord: [chuckles] Well, with a few surprises.
:[doors open]
:Twilight Sparkle: Discord! I can't believe you tricked us into going on a friendship quest that wasn't real!
:Discord: Oh, back so soon?
:Rarity: A glamour spell on our cutie marks?
:Rainbow Dash: A fake summons from the map?
:Pinkie Pie: Hey, at least we got to go spelunking in that really creepy cave with all those eyeless worm creatures chasing us.
:Yona: Oh, Yona so glad ponies back!
:Applejack: Uh, y'all get the feelin' we missed somethin'?
:Twilight Sparkle: Thanks for taking care of the school, Starlight.
:Starlight Glimmer: It was a challenge. Heh. But I think things turned out just the way you'd have handled them.
:Spike: [to Discord] Guess this means you're not vice headmare anymore.
:Discord: Oh, poo! I just ordered business cards!
:[credits]