B90210-16

==Battletech 90210 - Chapter 16 -==
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===Episode 16===
(Scene opens in Spelling's office)
Aaron: Good evening everyone, I'm Aaron Spelling host, executive producer, director, and lead fluffer for Battletech 90210. As you know we've had some exciting times and we have lost a few good cast members. I just want to let you know, fans, that your favorite players are alive and well. Tonight, I want to take you into a little snippet of the three main characters that were written out of season two. Let's see how they're doing, shall we? 
Tori: (dressed in a LAAF General's uniform) Daddy! Can't I be Nondi? She's so empowering! I want to play a serious role! Something people will take me seriously...... 
(Aaron grabs a silver ball--the one used in Episode 10. He bounces it once and flings it over Tori's head) 
Tori: SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIINNNNNNYYYYY! (chases after ball) 
Aaron: (rolls his eyes) Anyway, let's check up on first actor, Hanse Davion. Let's see what he's doing now.... 
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(scene shifts to Hanse standing in the foreground of a battlefield) 
Hanse: Hi, do you know me? I led one of the largest combined-arms operations since the fall of the Star League. I turned half of the Capellan Confederation into Fed Sun Parking lot--West. (smiles) However, sometimes when I'm invading the Mariks or the Clans, people don't always know my name. That's why I carry...The Federated Express Card. It's good in all PDZs and recently occupied territories. So if you're looking to expand your horizons by bulldozing your neighbors, don't forget to carry the little gold card with the Sun and the Sword. The Federated Express Card...Don't invade someone's home without it!(winks to the camera) 
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(Cut back to Aaron) 
Aaron: As you see, Hanse is happy in the commercial biz. He'll have a new infomercial out next month..."Nine planets on just 25 'Mechs a day." (grins) It's exciting stuff. 
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(Shift screen)
Now to our next actor who has decided to stay in the action tri-vid biz. You remember him as that cagey defector-turned triple agent, turned head of MIIO. That's right Justin Xiang is back next fall as MacALLARD! 
MacALLARD is a genius man who uses his wits and artificial appendage to beat the bad guy every time. Watch a clip from the premiere episode. 
Busty Buxom Blond#14: MacALLARD do something! 
MacALLARD: What? I built the bridge for us to cross, blew it up, used an auxiliary chip for my missile finger to short out its jump jets, and built a locust chassis with the majority of my wrist assembly. What do you want me to do? 
#14: (does her best Pamela Lee) Here comes that Toad! EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK! (begin the slow-motion cleavage shot as she runs away)
MacALLARD:(Rolls his eyes) (Works on his artificial arm...within seconds has built a jury-rigged gun platform) 
BOOM! BOOM! (fires off twin micro gauss shells.....the shells are two of his fingers)
 
((both bullets leave smoking holes in the battle armor's visor and the Elemental drops dead)) 
#14: Ooooooohhhhh MacALLARD! You saved me! 
Justin: At least until next episode. (grabs a plastic trash bag, grabs the girl, and runs off camera) 
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(Back to Aaron, who is grinning madly) 
Now to our next actress, Primus Emeritus Myndo Waterly who has broken into the music business with her new hit single Wobbie-girl. 
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(Cut to music video of Myndo in a frighteningly bright blue one-piece bathing suit sunning herself on the head of a HIGHLANDER 'Mech) 
((SUNG TO THE 'BARBIE SONG' by AQUA))
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a wobbie-world 
I get so spastic if you're not ecclesiastic! 
MIIO's in my hair, the Fox is everywhere, 
I'd be so proud of another Holy Shroud. 
Dress in white, when we fight! We've got WarShips and might! 
We're just an angry religion. 
We're so mad don't you see, and into theology! 
Cause you know we're just space AT&T! 
We get strict! So go sit! Or else we Interdict! 
and you won't get your message from grammy! 
We can fight! We can pray! 
If you're into Blake, I'm always yours. 
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world. 
Assassination! Technology Stagnation! 
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world. 
Our lives are so fine, we give Mechs to the Combine! 
C'mon Wobbie let's go party! 
Burn the blas-phem-ers 
C'mon Wobbie let's go party! 
Hera-tic! Hera-tic! 
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world 
You'll get with me far if you don't like ComStar. 
I'm still a Wobbie-girl, trapped in a Steiner world. 
We'll get all tantric, and speak to Tommy Mar-ik. 
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(Scene cuts back to Aaron) 
Aaron: Finally, our last actress, Romano Liao has gotten into CHILDREN's programming! She'll be running Mrs. Li-ao's neighborhood on the Spelling Tri-Vid Network. 
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(Cut to the show) 
(door opens with Romano Liao wearing an outfit akin to Mr. Rodgers) 
Romano: ((SUNG TO THEME OF MR. RODGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD OPENING SONG))
It's a beautiful day for despotic rule, a beautiful day for some purges! 
Would you be mine, I think you'll be mine.
(opens door to get sweater...hidden Death Commando hands her sweater, hidden Maskirovka agent hands her a dao sword) 
It's a beautiful day for a killing spree, a beautiful day for some murder.
Would you be mine, could you be mine?
I think you'll be(points sword to camera) my victim!
Romano:(smiles) Hi boys and girls!
children:(off-camera) HI Mrs. Li-ao!
Romano: Do you know what time it is?
children: YEAH!
Romano: What time is it?
children: 10 AM!!!
Romano: What do we do every morning at 10 AM?
children: Torture tests for loyalty!!!!
Romano: RIGHT! But who do we do first? It's already 10:04 and no victims.
(children make the "aww" sound)
Romano: Don't worry kids. Something will turn up.
(knock at the door)
Romano: (makes the puckered 'o' face) I wonder who that could be....(looks in the peephole) It's Citizen Mailman!
(children cheer)
(Romano opens the door to a visibly frightened mail carrier)
Carrier: Mrs. Liao, er, ah, your mail is here...
Romano: (smiles) I know.....(face turns to demonic visage) but it's 4 M I N U T E S L A T E!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! (face immediately turns pleasant again) Children, what do we do when the mailman's late and Mrs. Liao isn't happy?
children:(cheering) CALL DEATH SQUADS!
mailman: That's really not necessary, please.....don't......no?
children:(chanting) DEATH SQUAD! DEATH SQUAD! DEATH SQUAD!
(half a dozen Death Commandos emerge from the closet, under the sofa, everywhere to tackle and drag off the screaming mailman)
Romano: Won't that show him, boys and girls?
children: Yeah! (children's applause)
Romano: Now, what would you do if I ever left you?
children: We'd kill ourselves!
Romano:(smiles sweetly) That's so cute.....see you next time!
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(Back to Aaron)
Aaron: That's not all, once we write Victor off the show and make Kathy the undisputed...........
Tiaret: Neg, you freeborn [naughty]. May your genes infect this planet no more! (She hauls back and removes the third dimension from Aaron's face with a wicked right cross)
((Cut to commercial))
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*Note from the Author: Of all the parody songs I ever did, Romano Liao's was the first one to pop in my head. The thought of taking something moderately pure and perverting it by the most damaged person in the Inner Sphere (at least by 3050 reckonings) was just too glorious not to share.
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