My child plays sports.

My child plays sports. is season 3 episode 3 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
Everyone tries to distract themselves by playing sports: Zoltan is visited by his brother, Edmario to play tennis, Golf and Aaron's addictions get worse as they play golf and Bot plays football to lose weight.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at Jarvis Zagna’s funeral after he was murdered by Zoltan in the last episode. Jarvis’ wife and his 20 children, including CartoonGuy, are there, crying]
Priest: Jarvis was not always a good husband. Not always a good citizen. He did not die a hero's death. But he was a man. I think he was a man, anyway. Our Lord was crucified with two thieves, so perhaps... we should not judge.
CartoonGuy’s Mom: (sobbing) Jarvis…
Priest: We are born of sin, and we die in sin... and in this Jarvis... was like anybody else. Father... we do not know your infinite mysteries. But we know... that you will show mercy to our friend.
CartoonGuy: (wiping tears away) Fuck you, Zoltan…
🎵The new Zoltan ain’t the same as the old Zoltan🎵
🎵Everything’s changing and I don’t know when🎵
🎵This woke nightmare will end🎵
🎵Thank God for CartoonGuy and his shitpost memes🎵
🎵I hate my child. is the home for free speech🎵
[Cut to Zoltan at Sparro’s office, smoking]
Sparro: So Golf recommended me?
Zoltan: Yeah, he told me you helped him.
Sparro: Like whoa. Well, let’s get started then. First off, Golf told me you have a child.
Zoltan: Yeah… Honestly, I think I’m too harsh on them. Like, I don’t know. A lot of the time I hate my child. I just feel like they’re wasting their time doing nothing. Although they did go to university recently, which is an improvement.
Sparro: University? Which one?
Zoltan: Uh, University of Kent.
Sparro: Interesting. Erm, anyway, what do you do for a living?
Zoltan: Oh, I don’t think… I don’t think I can say it.
Sparro: Why not? Is it illegal?
Zoltan: Kinda. You see, I wanted to become a dentist, but it turned out that they were terrorists led by SpingeBill. So I joined the mafia to protect myself.
Sparro: Makes sense. And uh… Have you killed anyone?
Zoltan: Well I might have killed one of the dentists… And the father of my friend.
Sparro: That’s wacky.
Zoltan: I did it for a good reason though. I got a machete!
Sparro: Was getting a machete really worth killing him?
Zoltan: I think so. He was a morbillionaire! I’m no longer poor and I got a bunch of stuff from his money! I even bought a much cooler and fancier house… Even though it’s pretty empty…
Sparro: Interesting. Don’t worry though, I know the perfect solution. Do you want some meth?
Zoltan: What?
Sparro: Meth! I gave Golf some drugs and he’s been feeling much better lately.
Zoltan: No I don’t do drugs… But where exactly do you get this stuff from?
Sparro: From this guy called Mr. Baker.
Zoltan: Waaaait, Bot’s teacher? You know him?
Sparro: Yeah, dude. We’re both in a group.
Zoltan: What kind of group exactly?
Sparro: It’s kind of radical… We talk about things like communism and how to groom children and stuff.
Zoltan: Groom children? …Is anyone else in this group?
Sparro: Well there’s Mr. Renaud, he-
[Zoltan gets out his gun, and aims it at Sparro]
Zoltan: Alright, get out of here, you communist drug dealer pedophile!
[Zoltan shoots Sparro in the arm, leaving him injured]
Sparro: …Like whoa.
Zoltan: I’m getting Bot out of that university.
[Zoltan walks off as the alarms go off; cut to Mr. Baker talking to Bot]
Bot: You wanker never showed me Hitogata.
Mr. Baker: Yeah, I told you I made that up.
Bot: What’s the point of this all? What do you gain from this? (Steven from The Room voice) Why are you doing this?!
Mr. Baker: Well, you see… I have realised something. Communism would be the best for everyone. So I’m going to take over the world. With communism. So I can lower the age of consent.
Bot: That’s it? That’s why you’re doing all this?
Mr. Baker: Yup. With the age of consent all the way down to zero, I can finally try to strike a chord and it’s DEFINITELY a minor! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
[Pause.]
Bot: I don’t think I like this university anymore… I don’t even want to learn stuff about computers, I just want to go home.
Mr. Baker: Go home? That’s not going to happen. You know too much.
Bot: What’s stopping me from just hopping on the next bus out of here?
Mr. Baker: My gun. 
Bot: Fair. But... I hate this place… More than my dad hates me… There’s nothing to do…
Mr. Baker: You could play sports. It would help you get that weight off of ya.
Bot: Did you just call me fat?
Mr. Baker: Yuh.
Bot: Well, frankly… Maybe you’re right. You know what? I’m going to play football!
Mr. Baker: Well that’s great.
[Bot leaves. Mr. Baker gets a call from Sparro]
Sparro: I have been wounded.
Mr. Baker: oh no jesse thats not good your breaking bad!!!!
[Cut to Zoltan at NotJoe’s office]
NotJoe: You want me to fake Jarvis Zagna’s will so all the money legally goes to you?
Zoltan: Pretty much.
NotJoe: I don’t know, Zoltan. I’m a shady lawyer and all, but this just seems a bit too far.
Zoltan: Uh yeah, but I have a morbillion dollars.
NotJoe: That is true, the impostor.
Zoltan: Alright, well, get to work then.
NotJoe: Anything for you, Zolt… As long as you pay me.
Zoltan: Yeah, yeah whatever.
[Zoltan heads out]
NotJoe: What a gnarly dude.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim next to Golf as he’s doing meth]
Aaron: Golf, I think this is unhealthy.
Golf: Come on, Sparro told me it’s completely okay.
Prim: I don’t know if this Sparro guy should be a therapist.
Golf: He’s like, a great therapist, dude! The best in the whole town…
Aaron: Don’t you think you should be doing something more… Productive?
Golf: Huh? What kind of nonsense is that?
Prim: You’re not the Golf I remember…
Golf: You’re just jealous! You just want to do meth and be as cool as me!
Aaron: Uh, not really.
Golf: Come on! Try it! It’s gonna be great, I promise!
Aaron: I don’t-
[Golf shoves 20 grams of meth up Aaron’s nostrils]
Aaron: Oh my God……
[Cut to Zoltan arriving at his new, much fancier house, with futuristic technology. He sits on the couch]
Zoltan: Finally I can get some rest.
Cactus: Hey Zoltan.
[Pause]
Cactus: You know, I must say, this house is pretty empty.
Zoltan: Huh. Maybe killing Jarvis wasn’t that good of a decision.
Cactus: Probably. Well at least the quietness helps me think.
[Crazy appears out of the fourth dimension]
Crazy: How was I supposed to know that she was 13?
Zoltan: Great, just what I needed.
[Doorbell rings]
Zoltan: Oh, you think this is funny?
[Zoltan opens the door, EdMario is there]
Zoltan: …Who the hell are you?
Singers: EdMario, with his crazy explanations, 
Zoltan40's gonna need his medication! 
When he hears EdMario's lame exaggerations, 
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
EdMario: I’m EdMario, your brother! 
Zoltan: EdMario? Like… JewWario?
EdMario: I wish. Don’t you remember me?
Zoltan: Not really.
EdMario: Dude, we were always together back in the ROOTS!
[Flashback to Zoltan and EdMario in kindergarten. Zoltan is playing with a rabbit plush.]
Zoltan: Bunny says hello!
[EdMario eats the rabbit plush; cut back to the present.]
Zoltan: Uh, sure, I guess I remember having a brother called EdMario. Where have you been all these years?
EdMario: Busy getting bitches.
Zoltan: Fair. So what do you want from me? Money? Because if so, you’re out of luck. I am dirt poor.
[Zoltan’s wallet grows legs and walks by him, opens himself up and a fly comes out]
Zoltan’s wallet: Nothin’.
Smooth narrator: Bro’s lying through his teeth…
EdMario: No, no, I don’t want any money, stupid!
Zoltan: (sigh of relief) Oh, thank Talking Ben! Because the millions I got from murdering one of my best friends’ dad are all mine.
EdMario: what
Zoltan: what
[Pause.]
Zoltan: Anyway, um, if you’re not here for money, what do you want then?
EdMario: I just, uh, wanted to hang out! Because we’re like, you know, real close!
Zoltan: Uh huh. So, how’d you find out where I live?
EdMario: I asked Tan and he told me. I must say, this house looks a lot better than the way he described it. Especially for someone who is dirt poor.
Zoltan: I… spent all my money on it.
EdMario: Really? What about those gold bars behind ya?
[Pan over to a bunch of gold bars on Zoltan’s table]
Zoltan: Oh, nonono, that’s my dog’s, Crazy’s gold.
[Crazy swallows all of the gold]
Crazy: Urp. It’s true. I’m going to gamble it all away now. Bye.
[Crazy disappears]
EdMario: …Is that normal?
Zoltan: Yeah, you should get used to it.
EdMario: I guess the new norm really ain’t the same as the old norm.
Zoltan: Yuh.
EdMario: So, like… have you been doing anything fun lately? I heard you got a job as a dentist.
[Zoltan pulls out his machete and points it at EdMario’s neck]
Zoltan: Alright, you can’t fool me, I know Mike sent you.
EdMario: WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH
Zoltan: Did you really think you could fool me that easily?
EdMario: Nono, I really am just here to see what you’ve been up to. Listen, I hate Mike just as much as you!
Zoltan: Yeah right.
EdMario: No, seriously, I don’t have any Ulterior Motives! Pinky promise!
[Zoltan puts the machete down.]
Zoltan: …Ugh, fine. You pinky promised. I guess I won’t kill you just yet.
Cactus: Zoltan, I think you’ve been going down a bad path… Like you’ve already killed two people, and soon it will be three. The three dead people.
Zoltan: I’m perfectly fine. I only kill when it’s necessary.
EdMario: T-two people? You killed two people?
Zoltan: Uh, in Minecraft.
EdMario: Oh okay.
Zoltan: Pirated Minecraft!
EdMario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cactus: I thought you were against piracy. You even got your child arrested for it one time.
Zoltan: Ugh. Shut up desert plant.
EdMario: Bro, why are you talking to a plant?
Zoltan: That’s a talking plant. They just talked.
EdMario: I didn’t hear that.
[Everyone is silent for 10 seconds]
Zoltan: Peculiar.
[Cut to Bot arriving at the university’s football pitch, where the university team is training]
Bot: Wassup diggity dogs?
Coach: What a bunch of wankers. Oh, hello. Who are you?
Bot: My name is Bot. I’d like to join the team.
Coach: Really? You seem quite fat.
Bot: Why has everybody suddenly started noticing my weight?!
Coach: Sorry buddy, I just don’t think you can be a part of the team.
Bot: This is fatphobic.
Coach: Yuh.
Bot: Well, it could be worse. I could live in Gyöngyös.
[Cut to the team training. Suddenly, the goalkeeper gets shot in the ankle]
Goalkeeper: OW! MY ANKLE!
Coach: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO WAS THAT?!
Goalkeeper: I’M DYING!
Coach: NURSE!!!!!
[Mr. Baker arrives, dressed as a nurse]
Mr. Baker: I’ll save you!
[Mr. Baker takes the goalkeeper away on a stretcher. As he goes away, a gun falls from his pocket]
Coach: Uhh.. How’d that get there? I thought we didn’t let immigrants into this university.
Random player: Oi coach mate, how are we gonna play without a goalkeeper?
Coach: Let me think…
[The coach looks at Bot, and an overweight lightbulb appears on top of his head]
Coach: Hey you, Bort! 
Bot: It’s Bot.
Coach: Sorry, Bart. Welcome to the team! You’re our new goalkeeper!
Bot: Yippee!!!
[Bot starts walking towards the goal, whilst tuba sounds are played to emphasize their immense weight]
Bot: Oh, you think this is funny?
Coach: Yeah, kinda. Alright, let’s continue training.
[Cut to Golf frantically searching the house for strawberries]
Aaron: Golf, I already told you, I didn’t buy any strawberries.
Golf: Why not?! I need them….
Prim: Golf, your addictions are ruining you…
Golf: Oh my God I’m so tired of all this…. Golf meth is unhealthy… Golf stop you can't murder innocent children…. I’m so tired!!!! I want to break free!
Aaron: Golf, I-
Golf: I want to break free!!
Prim: Golf, you need to-
Golf: I want to break free from your lies, you’re so self satisified, I don’t neeeeeed you…
Aaron: He wants to break free.
Prim: God knows.
Aaron and Prim: God knows Golf wants to break fre-
Golf: AUGH!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! IF I HEAR “GOLF” ONE MORE TIME… Wait… Why am I named Golf anyway… Really makes you think, huh.
Prim: Yeah, come to think of it, I've never even seen you play golf.
Aaron: I don’t think he’s ever played any sports. At least not with us. Then again, I didn’t think he listened to Queen either but clearly that was a false assumption.
[Suddenly, Golf fucking shits out a lightbulb]
Golf: I got it! All I need to do is take some time off and play golf!
Aaron: Wait, that’s a pretty solid idea. Golf is pretty relaxing and stuff.
Golf: That’s it! I’m going to play golf!
Prim: Yeah!
Golf: Alright, I’m going to play golf now!
Aaron: That’s the spirit!
Golf: And with that, I shall go and play golf!
Prim: Go and score a goal!
Golf: Yeah! I’m gonna play golf!
Aaron: Let’s go and play golf!
Golf: Yeah! Let’s go and play golf!
[Cut to Golf waking up at the Basildon Sports Centre, where Aaron and Prim playing golf]
Aaron Oh, look who woke up from the meth overdose. Come, play golf with us.
[Aaron hands Golf golf equipment and he begins playing]
Golf: Wait a minute, I hate golf!
Aaron: So do I.
[Aaron hits Golf in the shin with a driver (golf club)]
Prim: AARON!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Aaron: Let’s throw rocks at him.
Prim: NO????
Aaron: I want a penguin carpet.
Prim: what the heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllll
Aaron: I like the colors.
Prim: you stoopid
Aaron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH
[Aaron takes all of Golf’s meth and eats it]
Prim: Holy shit. I don’t think that’s how-
[Aaron turns into hot furry Ken Stringfellow with abs]
Prim: Erm what the sigma
[Cut to Zoltan dialing CartoonGuy]
Zoltan: Hey, CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: (sigh) What do you want…
Zoltan: So, you’re not like mad at me, right?
CartoonGuy: You killed my dad, dude.
Zoltan: No I didn’t. I just knocked him unconscious. It was Crazy who killed him. He is a racist, pedo, scammer. Don’t trust him.
CartoonGuy: You were going to kill him.
Zoltan: But I didn’t.
CartoonGuy: And you stole all my dad’s money.
Zoltan: Well that was an accident!
CartoonGuy: No, it wasn’t.
Zoltan: Oh, that’s right. YOU were an accident.
[CartoonGuy hangs up]
Zoltan: Another liberal triggered.
[EdMario walks in]
EdMario: Hey, Zolt. What’re you up to?
Zoltan: Oh, I was just talking to my…colleague.
EdMario: Is that the guy whose father you killed?
Zoltan: I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations… Say, where’s Crazy?
EdMario: I don’t know, could be anywhere in this huge world…
[Cutaway to Crazy gambling]
Crazy: Aw dang it… Aw dang it…. Aw dang it… Aw dang it….
[Cut back]
Zoltan: Whatever.
Brian Griffin, from Family Guy: Whoa, gyatt ahoy!
EdMario: Well Zoltan, I think we should do something fun together! Something like…
Zoltan: Tax evasion?
EdMario: Oh I shouldn’t, I lost my house due to tax evasion, that’s why I’m here. Look what I have in my ass though!
[EdMario pulls some tennis rackets and tennis balls out of his ass]
EdMario: Let’s play tennis!
Zoltan: (jeffy voice) Why?
EdMario: It’s in my videogame, EdMario Tennis Aces.
Zoltan: I’ve never played tennis, and I hate you. Like my child.
EdMario: Come on, it’ll be fun! Like being in bed with a minor.
[Cutaway to EdMario in bed with a 12 year old]
EdMario: Do you wanna see something cool?
[EdMario grabs a puppet]
EdMario: His name is Brooklyn Guy.
[Cut back]
Zoltan: ………………………………..…Let’s just play tennis.
[Cut to Zoltan, EdMario, Cactus at the Basildon Sports Centre; Aaron, Golf and Prim are also there, spazzing out on the golf field]
EdMario: Oh hey, look at those guys playing golf!
Zoltan: Don’t bother with them, they’re just my drug addict neighbours.
EdMario: Uh, alright. Let’s play tennis then!
[The two begin playing tennis. Crazy appears with 2 quarters in his hands]
Crazy: Sup. I’m back from gambling.
Zoltan: What the? What did you do with all my gold?
Crazy: Uh, gambled it away?
Zoltan: I hate that stupid cat.
EdMario: Wait, so it was your gold then!
Zoltan: Well… Uh… Let’s play tennis.
[Zoltan and EdMario begin playing tennis along with Cactus and Crazy]
Cactus: How am I meant to play tennis? I have no arms…
Crazy: Just figure it out!
[They play tennis. Wonderful adventures are had, and then Golf, Aaron and Prim walk up to them]
Golf: Hey duude!!! Very.. Very nice tennis.
Aaron: Oh my god my brain can’t handle all this going on I think I have to play tennis right now!
[Aaron grabs EdMario’s tennis racket]
Aaron: Look! Golf! I’m playing tennis! Swinging the tennis thing! Balls!!!
Golf: Haha, you’re so cool, Aaron!
Prim: I wish I could play tennis but I can only lasagna!
Golf: Look at this, Zoltan!
[Golf vomits out his golf club and hits a tennis ball, which ends up in his eye]
Golf: HOLE IN ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY CALL ME GOLF!!!!!!!!!!
Prim: That’s so cool.
EdMario: Zoltan, are these really your neighbors?
Zoltan: Yeah.
EdMario: Damn, sorry to hear that. People like this have no place in our society.
Cactus: Addicts have no place in our society? On the contrary, I think society created them.
Crazy: Well, I think it’s safe to say these actions have no place in our society.
Cactus: Now that's more something I can agree with.
EdMario: Yeah, that’s the way I should have worded it. Society clearly failed these people and they obviously need help. Shaming addicts was not my intention, sorry if I came off that way.
Cactus: It’s all good.
Zoltan: This has been a great learning experience.
[Golf, Aaron and Prim pass out and fall onto the ground. Zoltan kicks their bodies away]
Zoltan: Well, that was great tennising, my brother. However, I feel like I’ve forgotten about something.
EdMario: If you forgot about it, it must’nt’ve been important.
Zoltan: Huh, maybe you are right.
[SpingeBill’s gang from episode 1 shows up; Zoltan screams]
Zoltan: Oh right! I remember! That’s why I joined the mafia in the first place. I guess I got a bit distracted.
Dentist 1: Open fire.
[The dentist-terrorists start shooting Zoltan and buddies]
EdMario: Ah! What the hell?
Zoltan: Uh, long story. Just grab a gun and start shooting.
Crazy: Don’t worry, I got this.
[Crazy throws up 4 guns, enough for everyone]
Zoltan: Thanks bud!
[The two sides shoot at each other]
Cactus: I haven’t been in a shooting like this since the Cacti-Human war of 2006.
EdMario: Wait, what was that about the mafia?
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I kinda joined the mafia and got a huge reputation there. I don’t see how that’s relevant though!
Cactus: Well, why not call them?
Zoltan: You know, that’s a great idea actually! I’ll call on Spencer! …I mean Greg, the mafia boss’ name is Greg.
[Zoltan continues shooting, and calls up the mafia boss on his phone with his other hand]
Zoltan: Uh, hey Greg. Could you and your guys like, help a bit? I might have gotten into some trouble again.
Mafia Boss: Of course, Zoltan. As the famous mafia saying goes: No one left behind.
Zoltan: Does that saying really originate from the mafia?
Mafia Boss: (Mr. Heckles voice) It COULD originate from the mafia……
Zoltan: Well, thanks dude, really means a lot to me.
Mafia Boss: You’re very welcome, Zoltan. And keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me and I will help you.
[Zoltan is about to hang up, but his phone gets shot by one of the gang members]
Zoltan: Oh come on! That was like, a million bucks!
Dentist 2: THIS IS FOR LENNY!!!
[Dentist 2 shoots CrazySponge, causing him to die]
EdMario: oh god oh fuck
Zoltan: Oh dear, that’s a shame.
EdMario: Is he gonna be okay?
Zoltan: He’s died.
EdMario: Yeah but is he gonna be okay though?
Zoltan: …yeah, probably.
[Cut to Bot playing in a football match as a goalkeeper. They are bigger than the goal, and they get constantly hit by the ball]
Coach: Great work, thot! 
Rival coach: This should be illegal! Get that obese fuck out of goal!
Bot: What?!
Referee: You can’t say that! Red card, go shower you prick
Smooth narrator: I didn’t know we could say that word on Fandom.
Rival coach: Kill yourself!!!!!!!!!
Referee: That is abuse! You’re-
[The opposing team’s players start beating up the referee. Suddenly, this turns into a huge brawl between all the players from both teams, as even those on the bench get up to participate and even the fans storm the pitch. Bot stands still, looking at the brawl]
Bot: Oh no! What should I do? Why must my life be filled with gratuitous violence? I need to stop this…but how?
[Bot has a flashback of when they killed the Brooklyn guy police officer in the last episode which let’s be honest you either didn’t read or forgot about five minutes after finishing it]
Bot: …I know what I must do.
[Bot starts running like a hippo, absolutely bulldozing everybody on the pitch, stomping them and sending them flying. Bot runs through the pitch several times, making sure everybody is dead, ending the brawl and leaving just a big puddle of blood on the pitch]
Bot: It’s joever.
[Bot lies down on the puddle, looking at the sky and breathing heavily. They put their hand in the blood, take it out and look at it]
Bot: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process they do not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Smooth narrator: Nice J.K. Rowling quote.
[After a few moments, Bot hears Liz and Travis speaking]
Liz: Bot? Is that you?
Bot: …
Liz: Bot?
Bot: …
Travis: Are you on your period or something?
[Bot gets up and looks at their friends]
Liz: Sorry we’re late. Our Tesla cybertruck crashed.
Bot: …
Liz: Okay, that’s a lie. We were busy getting stoned and thinking about marrying Jess, at least I was. Only Talking Ben knows how high I am right now.
Bot: …
Travis: You really should have come with us, Bot, this weed is great!
[Bot fucking kills Liz and Travis with their bare hands]
Bot: This is my life now. My life, as DEATH. I will murder everyone I know!!!!!
Smooth narrator: Femtanyl reference.
[Mr. Baker walks out of the darkness or something, clapping]
Mr. Baker: Good job, my student. You have become my greatest, and only remaining apprentice. Soon, together we shall take over the world using the greatest invention of humanity: communism.
Bot: Indeed. IT shall be done.
[Moving on from the bloodshed, we cut to the mafia arriving at the sports centre. CartoonGuy is notably absent]
Zoltan: Oh, thank Ben you guys are here!
EdMario: We really could use some help right now!
Greg: Don’t worry! We’ve got you covered!
[The mafia members and SpingeBill’s gang continue shooting each other]
SpingeBill: Greg? You fucker! You owe me 20 bucks!
Greg: I spent it all on transbian porn.
SpingeBill: Oh fair enough.
Greg: Also you got my buddy Brutus killed!
SpingeBill: That bastard deserved it!
Zoltan: Whoa, whoa, calm down! Also, Greg, if you don’t mind me asking, where exactly is CartoonGuy?
Greg: I dunno. I think he’s mad about his father or something.
Zoltan: Pussy.
[Zoltan and Greg continue shooting; Zoltan shoots a dentist]
Dentist 3: MEOWCH!
SpingeBill: Not very sigma.
Crazy: I’m a little bit tired from all the murder. I think I’m gonna take a nap.
[Crazy collapses, revealing several bullets in the other side of his head]
Cactus: War really is brutal. I’m getting flashbacks…but I cannot be still.
[Cactus turns into the cactus from Plants vs. Zombies and shoots spikes at SpingeBill’s gang; Zoltan spots EdMario hiding behind a bench]
Zoltan: Coward.
[Zoltan goes over to EdMario]
Zoltan: What are you doing man? There’s a gang war going on here!
EdMario: Exactly! I never wanted any of this! I just wanted to play tennis! I don’t want to kill people!
Zoltan: Well uh, okay, how about this? Just pretend that it’s like tennis, and you're just shooting tennis balls or something!
EdMario: You really think this will work?
Zoltan: Yeah, of course!
EdMario: If you say so…
[EdMario grabs his gun, aims it at a dentist, but gets shot immediately]
Zoltan: Jesus! EdMario, are you okay?
[EdMario is bleeding on the ground]
EdMario: I… (cough) I need to tell you something.
Zoltan: What is it?
EdMario: You know when I said that the new norm ain’t the same as the old norm?
Zoltan: Uh…
EdMario: Yeah, you were right near the beginning of the episode. I was sent by Mike and now he knows everything…
Smooth narrator: Plot twist.
Zoltan: I f*cking knew it.
EdMario: Don’t get mad please… I had no other choice, I promise!!! Please forgive me…
Zoltan: Okay.
EdMario: …wh-what?
Zoltan: I forgive you.
EdMario: …r-r-really??? I… I thought you would hate me for lying to you and working for Mike.
Zoltan: Yeah you’re right, I do hate you now, actually.
[Zoltan grabs his machete and stabs EdMario]
Zoltan: I’m sorry, Remus. Rome needs a good leader. I won’t forget the good times…
Smooth narrator: God I love J.K. Rowling.
[Zoltan walks back to the battlefield, most of the people are dead or dying, except SpingeBill, Greg, Cactus and a few mafia members]
SpingeBill: Come on Greg. Shoot me. Do it.
Greg: I… I can’t…
Zoltan: Why not?! Do it!
Greg: I would, but… I would never kill my brother.
Zoltan: WHAT?! YOU WERE HIS BROTHER THE ENTIRE TIME?!
SpingeBill: It’s true… Well…. You’ll never catch me alive!
[SpingeBill runs away as Greg and Zoltan stare at him]
Zoltan: Well uh, thanks Greg, I guess. But you really should have just killed him.
Greg: I would never do that. I’ve done a lot of horrible things but I would never kill my own brother.
Zoltan: Uh, yeah. Only a monster would kill their own brother… NOW LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE POLICE CATCH US!!!!!!
[Zoltan grabs Cactus and runs away; Golf, Aaron and Prim wake up and see the dead bodies]
Aaron: That can’t be good.
[Cut to Zoltan and Cactus arriving at Zoltan’s new and fancy house]
Zoltan: Home sweet home.
[Zoltan puts Cactus down, and goes to wash the blood off his hands. He begins scrubbing it, but no matter how hard he tries his hands remain covered in blood]
Zoltan: That’s odd.
[Zoltan sits down in the couch, and opens a can of beer, which is rainbow coloured]
Zoltan: What’s this? I want normal beer…
[Pause]
Zoltan: You know, this house is pretty empty.
Cactus: Well, at least the quietness helps me think.
[A thought bubble comes from Cactus’ head, in which Pat the hippo is singing in Indonesian; cut to Mike in the R.O.O.T.S.]
Mike: I can’t believe it… He killed EdMario…
[French Guy enters, now with a robot body]
French Guy: Oh well, at least we know what we wanted to know about Zoltan…
Mike: We shall attack soon… We need to kill Zoltan… I hate my child.
[The two laugh and then go full yaoi on eachother and make out over the credits. The end]
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