An Unpresidented Debate

An Unpresidented Debate is the ninth episode of season three, and the twenty-fourth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 14, 2020.
== Plot ==
Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Paul Renaud, Jim R'Onion, and Timothy Pepperchicken go head-to-head in the first presidential debate of the 2020 election.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the Bikini Bottom High School auditorium. Five podiums are on the stage, for the five presidential candidates.]
Mr. Perkins: Welcome Bikini Bottom, to the first presidential debate! I’m Perch Perkins, and I’m proud to have the honor of being your moderator this evening.
Mr. Pineapple: [calls out from the audience] Pft, more like dishonor!
Mr. Perkins: Be quiet! That’s a rule for the audience, you must be quiet while these fine statesmen have a masterful debate of ideas! But I shall make an exception right now, as we shall welcome these five statesmen! First, please welcome Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden!
[Applause as Mr. Biden walks towards the podium.]
Mr. Biden: [shouts to Mr. Banana in audience] Jack, I can’t find any hair to sniff!
Mr. Perkins: Please welcome Green Party candidate Jim R’Onion!
[Silence as Mr. R’Onion walks towards the podium.]
Mr. R’Onion: Ugh...please clap.
[The audience remains silent.]
Mr. R’Onion: I don’t need you murderers clapping for me anyways, I only value the trees!
Mr. Perkins: Please welcome Libertarian Party candidate Paul Renaud!
[Applause as Mr. Renaud walks towards the podium.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey there kiddies! Abolition, not reform!
Mr. Perkins: Please welcome Straight Party candidate Timothy Pepperchicken!
[Applause as Mr. Pepperchicken walks towards the podium.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Greetings all heterosexual folks of Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Perkins: And finally, please welcome our President, Donald J. Trump!
[Applause as Mr. Trump walks towards the podium.]
Mr. Trump: What’s up, losers?
Mr. Perkins: Now, I shall state all the ground rules. All candidates will be given an equal amount of time to individually speak, followed by a civil debate—
Mr. Biden: Jack, you stupid bastard, you killed a million fish with your reckless handling of the Plague!
Mr. Trump: It wasn’t a million, it was only 200,000! But you know who has killed a million? YOU! Don’t think Bikini Bottom forgot about all your votes for the illegal wars in the Senate!
Mr. Biden: But you’re continuing those wars though!
Mr. Trump: And so will you, if you get elected!
Mr. Biden: [leans into his microphone] Correct.
Mr. Trump: So many wonderful fish died in China, why aren’t you calling out President Xi?! It’s because you’re a Chinese agent!
Mr. Pepperchicken: The Plague is nonexistent in Russia, so instead of voting for a Chinese agent, vote for the only Russian agent here, me! I’ll get rid of this Plague like I get rid of homosexuals!
Mr. Trump: Who do you think you are, Putin’s puppy?! There can only be one of us!
Mr. R’Onion: Why is everyone freaking out about the death toll of the Plague? More fish dying means less fish slaughtering trees!
Mr. Perkins: Folks—
Mr. Biden: The fuck do you want, Jack?
Mr. Perkins: I’m the moderator here! You only speak when I allow you to!
Mr. Trump: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Biden: Will you shut up man?
Mr. Trump: What?! Why?!
Mr. Biden: I wasn't talking to you, Jack, I was talking to Jack! [points at Mr. Perkins]
Mr. Perkins: [rolls his eyes] Anyways, we will cover three topics in this debate: the Plague, election integrity, and the economy. First, the Plague. What is your plan to combat this deadly virus? Mr. Renaud, you go first, since you’re the only one who hasn’t broken the rules.
Mr. Renaud: Well, those rules should be abolished anyways! I hate rules, especially the ones that say you can’t fuck kids! And to answer your question, I say we should allow it to infect and kill all the adults in Bikini Bottom, so all the kiddies will be left to me! Immediately re-open everything!
Mr. Trump: I second Paul’s position. Bikini Bottomites may be scared about whatever’s happening, but they’re also scared of losing their jobs! Besides, unemployed fish shouldn’t be mooching off the government! Back to work.
Mr. Biden: [chuckles] It’s kinda funny how you’re whining about unemployed fish, considering you don’t work yourself.
Mr. Trump: You shouldn’t be talking, Joe. If you’re elected, you’d be spending all your time sleeping, and Socialist Kamala would be the one who’s actually in charge. You’re nothing but a puppet for the radical left!
Mr. Biden: Who do you think you’re talking to, Jack? I beat the radical left in the primary!
Mr. Trump: Because of Kelpy G and Squilliam Fancyson. If they hadn’t dropped out, you wouldn’t have won a single state! Your people rigged that election against Bernie!
Mr. Perkins: Okay, let’s not go into all three topics at once—
Mr. Pepperchicken: Why not talk about how great Russia is, that’s the only topic that matters!
Mr. R’Onion: Never have I seen anything so unprofessional! Nobody here is talking about the tree genocide! What a disgrace!
Mr. Perkins: What’s a disgrace is that no one is letting me, the moderator, moderate!
Mr. Pepperchicken: You Jewish fish already moderate the world’s affairs, stop being so greedy!
Mr. Perkins: Shut up, you bigot! You’re disgusting!
Mr. Renaud: I agree! It doesn’t matter what your race, religion, sexuality, or nationality is, as long as you’re a kiddie, I’m okay with fucking you!
Mr. Perkins: Shut up, you pedophile! You’re also disgusting!
[The crowd boos at Mr. Perkins.]
Mr. Trump: You know, while Tim may be a bigot and Paul may be a pedophile, I’m the biggest of both! Don’t vote for a single-issue candidate who’s right on that one issue, vote for an all-issue candidate who’s right on all the issues!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Perkins: This job is too overwhelming. Let’s get back to square one.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob SquarePants and Squidward Tentacles are watching the debate on the TV.]
Mr. SquarePants: Did you hear that, Squidward? SQUARE one! [laughs]
Mr. Tentacles: [chuckles] Ah, it does bring me joy to see five simpletons argue on what is the best way to screw Bikini Bottom.
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs opens his office door.]
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute, you two are on the show?
Mr. SquarePants: Of course, why would I be virtually nonexistent on a SpongeBob fanfiction?
Mr. Krabs: THEN GET BACK TO WORK! And Mr. Squidward, to quote Mr. Banana, THERE IS NO JOY IN LIFE, only PERSISTENCE and PRODUCTIVITY!
[Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Perkins: Mr. Trump, Democrats have accused you of causing excess deaths by politicizing the Plague, and many have called for your criminal prosecution.
Mr. Trump: Since when was politicizing a hoax a crime?
Mr. Perkins: You think the Plague is a hoax?
Mr. Trump: I mean, well, let’s just say it came out of a Chinese lab.
Mr. R’Onion: A Chinese lab? No! The Plague came from my lab!
Mr. Trump: Maybe I just think it’s a hoax because I don’t feel it, as I am immune. [coughs]
Mr. Perkins: Was that cough a joke?
Mr. Trump: The only joke is the FAKE NEWS! [coughs]
Mr. Perkins: [rolls his eyes] Alright, so Mr. R’Onion, since you’re a science teacher, what do you have to say about the Plague and its impact on schools? Do you believe students should physically or virtually attend school?
Mr. R’Onion: I think virtual school is a great idea. It infuriates me to see students use papers and pencils, which is really the skin and bones of trees, to do work! But with virtual school, they use a computer and nothing else!
Mr. Perkins: Mr. Renaud, you’re also a teacher, what do you have to say?
Mr. Renaud: I have to disagree with Jim here, because I like to physically feel the kiddies, instead of only seeing them through a computer screen!
Mr. Perkins: Let’s now turn to the Supreme Court.
Mr. R’Onion: The Supreme Court wasn’t a topic you said was going to be covered in the debate!
Mr. Perkins: You guys have made this a free-for-all, so I can do whatever I want! Mr. Trump, recently you nominated Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court. All of your opponents on this stage, however, say we should wait until the election to fill the seat. Your response?
Mr. Trump: Listen. I got the election rigged in my favor so I could serve for four years, not three years, okay?
Mr. Perkins: You had the election rigged?
Mr. Trump: Yep, I had Timothy Pepperchicken rig it for me. Unfortunately, he’s now betrayed me and all the boaters of this country, by deciding to run against me—
Mr. Pepperchicken: I didn’t betray anyone! It was YOU that betrayed the heterosexuals! 
Mr. Trump: But that’s fine. I don’t need him anymore. I have a new person to rig the election for me. My wonderful Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett.
Mr. Perkins: Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: Here’s what you got to understand, Jack. Trump’s Supreme Court pick - not only does she want to rig the election, but she also wants to repeal Obamacare - throwing millions of people off healthcare, right during a pandemic. 
Mr. Trump: Oh my pencil. Did you hear that, folks? Biden wants to provide every Bikini Bottomite with healthcare as a human right!
Mr. Biden: NO I DON’T! 
Mr. Trump: He wants to prevent fossil fuel companies from destroying the ocean! 
Mr. Biden: HE’S LYING! 
Mr. Trump: He wants to end police brutality! 
Mr. Biden: I NEVER SAID THAT!
Mr. Trump: He’s against ethnic cleansing! 
Mr. Biden: DON’T BELIEVE HIM! 
Mr. Trump: But worst of all, he hates our boaters. Our big, beautiful boaters. Once again, he’s just a mere puppet of the radical left.
Mr. Biden: [bangs his fists on the podium] Bikini Bottomites are sick and tired of your lies! I’m the son of a boat dealer, for crying out loud!
Mr. Trump: Pft, son of a boat dealer? You really are a loser. What an unproductive occupation. I, on the other hand, majored in economics, and I built my empire with nothing but a small loan of a million dollars.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Everyone on this stage is a loser, except me, as I am the son of a Russian!
Mr. Perkins: Relating to the economy, let’s talk about taxes. Mr. Trump, reports say that you’ve paid a total of $750 in taxes in 2016 and 2017.
Mr. Trump: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Perkins: Can you release your tax returns to prove it? There’s nothing more accurate than that!
Mr. Trump: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Perkins: So how do we know you haven’t paid just $750?
Mr. Trump: Now who wouldn’t believe the words of your favorite President?
Mr. Perkins: I need a solid answer.
Mr. Trump: Did you know how much of a radical leftist Joe Biden is?! It’s insane!
Mr. Biden: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Perkins: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Mr. Renaud: I have an answer. So Trump paid $750 in taxes, huh? That’s $750 too much! No one should pay any taxes, as taxation is theft, just like confiscating child porn!
Mr. Trump: Yeah, what Paul said!
Mr. Perkins: I don’t think folks who rip children away from their parents to abuse them should have any say in what theft is.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I don’t think Jews should have any say in anything.
Mr. Renaud: [gasps] MR. PERKINS! Are you saying you believe in slavery? 
Mr. Trump: I am! 
Mr. Biden: I am!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Only when the slaves are homosexuals!
Mr. Perkins: Excuse me?
Mr. Renaud: Children are not property of their parents. These natural wonders belong to the public at large. Anyone who wants to fuck them should be able to!
Mr. Perkins: No one should be having sex with children!
Mr. Trump: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Biden: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Renaud: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mr. Perkins: And taxation isn’t theft! As a resident, you sign a basic social contract with your elected government, in return for basic social services.
Mr. Renaud: Yeah, basic social services like the police throwing me in jail for just fucking kids!
Mr. Perkins: You damn well should be arrested for that! And how do you expect the government to be funded without taxes?
Mr. Renaud: Donations.
Mr. Perkins: Yeah, I’m sure the government will be totally impartial if it was funded through donations. If a human trafficking ring gives the government a billion dollars, what makes you think the government would prosecute them?
Mr. Renaud: Well the government shouldn’t prosecute them! I need a steady supply!
Mr. Perkins: [rolls his eyes] Anyways, Mr. Biden, what is your tax plan?
Mr. Biden: Read my lips: no new taxes, for anyone making over $400,000 a year.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Tentacles: $400,000?! It should be around $100,000! Anyone making more than that is filthy rich!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I’m a millionaire, and I don’t feel rich.
Mr. Tentacles: What do you mean, you “don’t feel rich”? If you’re a millionaire, there’s no doubt that you’re rich!
Mr. Krabs: Imagine thinking a “millionaire” is rich. I don’t live in Mount Bikini.
Mr. Tentacles: [takes out his phone and shows Mr. Krabs a picture of a brain in a microwave] Look, Eugene, I found a picture of your brain!
Mr. Krabs: [ignoring him] And speaking of Mount Bikini, I cannot believe that damn fool Dan Sullivan ditched the Republican Party for the Green Party! SAD!
[Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Perkins: I see. Well, we’re running out of time, so let’s go to the final question. To all candidates, will you accept the results of the election if you lose?
Mr. Biden: No.
Mr. Trump: No.
Mr. Renaud: No.
Mr. R’Onion: No.
Mr. Pepperchicken: No.
Mr. Perkins: What?! You guys have to accept the election results! Are you trying to start a civil war?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Yes, so Shell City can come in and take over!
Mr. Trump: Well, Perch, the Democrats are pulling off his YUUUGE mail-in ballot hoax. They’re the ones to blame for the election being rigged, not me. This is exactly why the Senate should confirm my Supreme Court nominee as soon as possible!
Mr. Biden: Now wait a minute, Jack, isn’t your nominee someone who helped rig the 2000 election?
Mr. Trump: But it was to stop that communist Al Gore!
Mr. Biden: I can’t object to that.
Mr. R’Onion: I think we should shift the conversation to who has the right to vote. All fish have it, sure, but what about the trees? Shouldn’t the trees have a say in whether they’re going to be slaughtered on the taxpayer’s dime?
Mr. Perkins: Now why should trees vote? They’re virtually inanimate.
Mr. R’Onion: INANIMATE?! HOW DARE YOU!
Mr. Perkins: I’m just being realistic...
Mr. R’Onion: YOU will go down in history as the debate moderator who is not 50%, not 75%, but 100% comfortable with the tree genocide!
Mr. Perkins: Geez, and I thought my husband was the weirdo.
Mr. Pepperchicken: HUSBAND?! I thought you were a man!
Mr. Perkins: Yes.
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?! That means you’re gay!
Mr. Perkins: Yes. Now, let’s go back to the debate—
Mr. Pepperchicken: Enough debate! There are no pathetic debates in Russia, only this! [takes out AK]
Mr. Perkins: Okay, Bikini Bottom, debate’s over! [runs away]
[The episode ends with Krusty Krab TV turning off, but not before gunfire is heard.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season