Episode 411: Lola Falana/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 411: Lola Falana.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Lola Falana? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Lola.
Lola 	Thank you. (on phone) Tell them I'm sick. Anything. Just get me out of it!
Scooter	Huh?
Lola 	Oh — sorry, Scooter, uh, just talking to my agent.
Scooter	Ah.
Lola 	What did you say?
 	
Scooter	Uh, I said "fifteen seconds to curtain".
Lola 	Thank you, darling.
Scooter	Uh-huh. (exits)
Lola 	(on phone) You gotta work fast, Bernie. You've only got fifteen seconds.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lola Falana! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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Statler	Hey, don't start on our account! (laughs with Waldorf)
 	
 	Gonzo blows his trumpet triumphantly.
Gonzo 	Hah. I give autographs after the show.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our special guest star is the wonderful singer, dancer and comedienne, Miss Lola Falana! (whistles from the audience) But first, I have an important announcement to make. Tonight is the last show for Gonzo the Great. (Audience: "Awww.") Uh, Gonzo, come on out here.
 	Applause as he comes out.
 	
Gonzo 	Thank you. Thank you. (blows a kiss) Love ya. Yes. It is true, this is it, Kerm.
Kermit 	Uh, yes, folks, believe it or not, Gonzo is leaving us — he's going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo 	(sigh) Yep. I got an offer from 20th Century Chicken.
Kermit 	Uh, Gonzo, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Gonzo 	Well, thanks, Kerm. Hey, listen, I want you know, I'm never going to forget all you little people I met along the way.
Kermit 	(frowns) Uh … uh, thanks.
Gonzo 	It ain't nuttin', really. (exits)
Kermit 	True. Anyhow, here for Gonzo's last show is an opening number by his favorite people, the Muppet chickens! Yaaaay!
 	
 	Open on a chicken coop. The chickens sing "Pick a Little, Talk a Little." Gonzo shows up near the end to sing "Goodnight, Ladies," proffering a touching farewell to his harem.
Waldorf	Uh, you know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.
Statler	Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.
Waldorf	Who?
Statler	Me!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The heartbroken chickens pass Kermit.
Chicken (KM)	I just can't believe he's leaving.
Kermit 	Uh, watch the crying, girls. You'll get depressed and start to molt. (through the intercom) Okay, the one-octopus band onstage please!
 	
Kermit 	Okay, Herbie, get out there. Get out there. Move it, move it, move it.
Miss Piggy 	The little blue geek got a movie deal?!? (Kermit nods) Oh, Kermit, how — (spots Gonzo with Camilla) Oh, Gonzo! Hah — Gonzo, dear … Yes.
Gonzo 	Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. Camilla, why don't I meet you up in the dressing room, honey? (shoves her off) Love you, babe! Hahahah.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, boy. Uh — Gonzo, I was just talking about you.
Kermit 	Yeah, in fact she said you were a little blue g—
Miss Piggy 	Uh, Kermit, uh, don't you have to go onstage and wave your arms, or something?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, sure. Hahahaha. (waves arms and goes onstage) Whoo!
Miss Piggy 	"Hahahaha." Uh, Gonzo, uh, I am just so proud of you and your movie deal.
Gonzo 	Oh. Well, I guess it was just in the cards, M.P.
Miss Piggy 	(holds back hostility) Yes, yes, and um, I just uh, want you to know that uh, at your movie studio, if you should ever happen upon a producer, who is looking for a … ahem … sex goddess …
Gonzo 	Yes, I'll know just who to call.
Miss Piggy 	Ahem. Thank you.
Gonzo 	Camilla.
Miss Piggy 	WHAT?
 	
Gonzo 	That little chickie babe is dynamite! She makes most movie queens look like pigs! (runs off)
Miss Piggy 	DON'T COME BACK, TURKEY-TWIT! (grimaces)
 	The octopus walks past her. She karate-chops him.
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
=="He's the Greatest Dancer"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay. Well, it's guess star time, and stand by for a great one. Here she is, one of the top all-around entertainers in the business, Lola Falana! YAAAY!
 	
 	Lola, the Muppet Monsters, and Fletcher Bird dance and sing "He's the Greatest Dancer". Gonzo joins them, until Fletcher kicks him offstage. Applause.
Waldorf	Ah, do you ever go to those dances?
Statler	Dance? I got a slipped disc-o.
 	They chuckle.
Waldorf	"Slipped disc-o!" (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo consoles Camilla.
Gonzo 	Aww, Camilla, Camilla, Camilla, love ya, baby. Hey. As soon as I get my mansion and limousine, I'm a-gonna send for ya.
Camilla	(swoons)
Gonzo 	Oh, yes.
 	The dancers pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, everybody. Lola, that was great.
Lola 	Thank you, thank you, Kermit, but I couldn't have done it without Gonzo. Gonzo, baby, put it here.
Gonzo 	Huh?
 	
Lola 	Right here. (shakes his nose) I tell you, I have worked with of the biggest, but you're right up there with the best, no doubt. (goes upstairs) Oh, and don't forget to stop by my dressing room. I want to give you my phone number.
Gonzo 	Hey, I'll be there, babe.
 	Camilla clucks angrily, punches Gonzo and walks off.
Kermit 	Oh, Gonzo, you gotta get onstage to do your last number for us.
Gonzo 	Oh, sure, babe. Heh. I gotta admit though, it's gonna seem strange not workin' for ya, K.F.
Kermit 	(frowns) Uh, it's gonna be strange for us too, Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Still, no regrets.
Kermit 	Hmm.
Gonzo 	Well, one regret.
Kermit 	Oh?
Gonzo 	I never did my masterpiece act for you.
Kermit 	Uh, what's that?
Gonzo 	I sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal.
Kermit 	Uh, it's an act worthy of your talent, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	And of your show.
Kermit 	(frowns) Touché. (goes onstage)
=="My Way"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, well, folks, as I've already told you, our master of culture and violence is moving on to other things. Uh, so let's give a big warm hand for this, his farewell appearance on The Muppet Show, Gonzo the Great.
 	
 	The curtain opens on an empty stage. Gonzo leans against an apple box and sings "My Way". Midway through the song, he breaks down crying.
Kermit	Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo? It's just a song.
Gonzo 	I know. It's not the song. I just don't want to go.
Kermit	Yeah, but you're going to go out and make movies.
Gonzo 	(sigh) I want to go there. I just don't want to leave here.
Kermit	Well — you had a choice to make, Gonzo, and … and you made it, and it was a good choice.
Gonzo 	I know.
Kermit	I don't like long goodbyes, Gonzo, so uh …
 	
 	Kermit reaches his hand out to shake Gonzo's. Gonzo hugs Kermit.
Kermit	Take care of yourself, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	You, too. (sniffles)
Kermit	(to camera) Uh, we — we've had a little change of plans. Uh — I think we'd better just take a break.
 	He exits with his arm around Gonzo's shoulder.
==UK spot==
 	
 	Camilla and the chickens sing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair". Camilla pecks Gonzo's picture and rips it off the wall. Applause.
Statler	Well, he's actually gone. Will we ever forget him?
Waldorf	Who?
Statler	You know, uh, uh … what's-his-name.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo stands by the stage door, forlorn. He listens in on Scooter's conversation with Kermit.
Scooter	So, chief, did you find a replacement for Gonzo?
Kermit 	A replacement? Gee, Scooter, how could you possibly replace somebody like Gonzo?
Scooter	Easy! I know someone who'd probably be perfect!
Kermit 	You do?
Scooter	Sure. He's the best friend of my uncle.
Kermit 	The best friend of the man who owns this theater?
Scooter	The best friend of the man you owe three months' back rent to.
Kermit 	(gulp) Uh, uh, sounds very talented. (nods) What's his name?
Scooter	Trevor the Gross!
 	
Trevor 	Ta-da! When do I start?
Kermit 	Uh, well, probably right away, Trevor.
Scooter	Come on, Trevor! We'll clean out Gonzo's dressing room.
Kermit 	Uh, fine, but you'll probably need shovels.
 	They all laugh and disperse.
Scooter	"Probably need shovels"!
Gonzo 	(moans) My whole life is passing before my eyes.
==Muppet Sports==
 	The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger	This is Louis Kazagger with Muppet Sports. And we've got a dandy today: the Marathon Tree-Staring Contest. For more than 87 hours, Klaus Mueller of West Paraguay has been trying to outstare that tree. It's the classic confrontation: man against wood.
 	
 	Klaus leans towards the tree, which trembles.
Louis Kazagger	Wait a minute… yes. The tree is beginning to crack. Mueller moves in for the kill.
 	The tree flinches. Applause. Klaus does a victory dance.
Louis Kazagger	And it's all over! Mueller has outstared the tree! Our congratulations, Klaus. You've just won the $10,000 prize.
Klaus 	Oh, muchas gracias, señor!
 	The tree falls on Klaus.
Louis Kazagger	I'll personally see to it that his widow gets the money.
Tree (JN) 	But he wasn't married.
Louis Kazagger	Shut up! (shakes head)
==Dressing room==
 	Lola hangs up her outfit, then finds Gonzo hiding in her closet.
Lola 	(hums) He's the greatest dancer — (shrieks)
 	
Lola 	Gonzo! What are you doing in there? I thought you were on your way to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo	(sniffles) I was, but then I got this telegram.
Lola 	(reads) "To Gonzo the Great, c/o Muppet Show — Thought we were hiring another performer named Gonzo the Mediocre. Contract canceled." Gonzo, oh, don't worry, come on. I'm sure Kermit'll give you your job right back.
Gonzo	No. They already replaced me with this dumb-looking bird. (sigh) They're cleaning out my dressing room. They threw out my mildew collection!
Lola 	(gasp)
Gonzo	(sigh) I'll never work again.
Lola 	Oh, no, there must be other shows you could work on.
Gonzo	No. It's hopeless. The Great Gonzo is … (blows a kiss) … finis.
 	Music swells up.
Lola 	Oh, no, wait. Before you quit, there's one more thing you should try.
Gonzo	What's that?
 	
 	He sits on her lap. She sings "Smile".
Lola 	You see?
Gonzo	Yeah. Thank you, Lola.
Lola 	You feel better now?
Gonzo	Of course. Now I can smile my way through the rest of my miserable life. (exits)
Lola 	I think he missed the point.
==Trevor the Gross vs. Gonzo the Great==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, there is no way we will ever replace Gonzo the Great.
Gonzo 	You tell 'em, Kermit!
Kermit 	But that doesn't mean we won't try. Ahem. Yes, the man who plans to fill Gonzo's shoes is even now standing in the wings.
Trevor 	(cuddles Camilla) Later, Camilla, you cute little doll. I gotta go onstage now.
Camilla 	(sigh)
Kermit 	So here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Trevor the Gross!
 	The curtain opens on Trevor, standing by a giant bucket.
 	
Trevor 	Thank you. Thank you. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I, Trevor the Gross, will now sing "Top Hat" while tap-dancing in this vat of oatmeal!
Gonzo 	THAT DOES IT!
Trevor 	What's this?
Gonzo 	All right, stop! You can steal my job, you can steal my girlfriend, but you cannot have my oatmeal dance!!
Kermit 	Gonzo, will you get off the stage?
Gonzo 	No!
Kermit 	Good grief. Uh, close the curtain! Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
 	A fanfare plays as the curtain closes.
 	
Kermit 	Gonzo! What is this all about?
Gonzo 	Well — my film deal fell through, but I'm willing to accept my old position back.
Kermit 	Yeah, but Gonzo …
Gonzo 	Oh, please, Kermit! Kiss kiss, grovel grovel!
Kermit 	Stop kissing my flipper! Gonzo! Have you no dignity?
Gonzo 	Of course not. How long have we worked together?
Kermit 	(frowns)
 	Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
Fozzie 	Uh, hi, uh, listen, everything's just alright. (the crowd boos) Kermit! Do something! They're getting mean out there! (runs away)
Kermit 	Uh — listen, I promised the oatmeal act to Trevor.
Trevor 	That's right! And I won't give it up! I love the oatmeal act.
Gonzo 	Sic 'im, girls!
Kermit 	What?
 	The chickens attack Trevor.
Trevor 	Wait! Enough! Okay! You can have the oatmeal act! (runs away)
Kermit 	I guess it's settled then! Gonzo, you get ready, I'll go introduce you.
Gonzo 	Yippee! Haha!
 	The chickens carry him. Kermit goes onstage.
Kermit 	Uh, may I have your attention please? I'm sorry for the delay. I'm happy to announce the return engagement of Gonzo the Great — are you ready back there, Gonzo?
Gonzo 	Okay.
Kermit 	Okay — who will sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! YAAAYY!
 	
 	Curtain up. Gonzo barely gets through the first verse before becoming engulfed in oatmeal.
Kermit 	Uh, wait, wait — he sank into the oatmeal!
Gonzo 	Help! Help!
Fozzie 	Wha, wha — don't worry, don't worry! We got spoons and milk and brown sugar!
Lew Zealand	Yeah! We're gonna eat our way through to him!
Kermit 	Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
Waldorf 	What are they doing with those spoons?
Statler 	Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Waldorf 	Hmm. I'm not surprised. That's how they get all their acts.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage / "United We Stand"==
 	They push the vat backstage. Gonzo dries off with a towel.
Scooter 	I got some raisins!
Lew Zealand	Well, bring 'em!
Kermit 	Oh, boy. What a disaster. What a mess. Gonzo, you're a mess. I tell ya, everything's gone wrong.
 	
Lola 	Kermit — what are you so upset about? I mean, I thought the most important thing would be that Gonzo is back.
Kermit 	Oh. Y'know — you're right, Lola. Gonzo, it's nice to have you back.
Gonzo 	Aww. Well, let's face it. I wouldn't really wanna be anyplace else.
Lola 	That's a nice thing to say, Gonzo. In fact …
 	Music swells up. She sings "United We Stand" and is soon joined by the other Muppets.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, now that our weird little family is all back together again, I guess that wraps up another show. But before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Lola Falana! YAAAAYY!
 	Applause. The Muppets join her.
 	
Lola 	Thank you, thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been just wonderful being a part of reuniting this great big wonderful family.
Muppets 	Aww.
Gonzo 	(yelps) Miss Piggy, you're standing on my foot.
Miss Piggy	The wimp is back.
Scooter 	Hey, don't call him a wimp!
Miss Piggy	He is! Lola?
 	Commotion ensues.
Lola 	Fellas, do you — do you remember?
Kermit 	Well, uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets argue as the credits roll.
Statler 	You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was gonna star in.
Waldorf 	What movie was that?
Statler 	The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts