Into Fire

Into Fire is the fifty-seventh episode of Cult of Squid. It released on August 27th, 2022 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
== Plot ==
L.R.H mounts an attack against the Cult and reveals his plans to make Bikini Bottom become "reborn" in his own image.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with Buff Jim and Security at the Phoenix Plaza)
LRH: It's about TIME we crossed paths again, CULT.
Security: How do you still remember us???? Didn't the timeline reset affect everything and everyone?
LRH: SILENCE!
Security: Yeesh, I don’t remember you being this much of a jerk. 
LRH: Being dead and brought back to life does that to a person I suppose. 
Security: Care to explain?
LRH: Seeing as you’re going to have your memories wiped soon anyways, sure. 
Security: Wait… you’re not going to kill us? That’s a breather. Usually, the people we fight try to- Wait, have our MEMORIES WIPE?
LRH: Yes, indeed, then you’ll become part of the Phoenix Guard. Then you will serve US.
Security: They’re all brainwashed?
LRH: Well… I guess not technically “brainwashed,” more like… They have no free will and are forced to serve under us.
Security: So… Brainwashed?
LRH: (Sigh) Watch this.
(LRH snaps his fingers and the guards surround him in a defensive position) 
Phoenix Guard #1: I love this dude!
Phoenix Guard #2: Me too! 
Phoenix Guard #3: Let’s serve under him for all our lives!
(They all cheer in agreement)
Buff Jim: That’s uncanny.
Security: Learn a new word today Jim?
Buff Jim: (Sigh) Must you ask that everytime I use a word I don’t normally use?
LRH: God, will you two shut up? It’s not fun if you are talking.
Security: No. i will not shut up.
LRH: Can somebody make them shut up?
Security: How about no?
(A few guards walk over and punch Security)
Security: Nice try Atlantean dude, but it’s gonna take a lot more than that to-
(One of the guards shocks Security with a taser, knocking him out)
Buff Jim: I know my place. 
LRH: Now I’m going to enjoy what happens next. 
Phoenix Guard #1: Is it time?
LRH: It’s time. We need to advance on the city fast.
(Security wakes up)
Security: Wait what?
LRH: SHUT HIM UP!
(A guard walks over to tase Security again but he punches him in the face)
LRH: That was a mistake. 
(LRH motions for the guards to attack and they begin beating on Security and Buff Jim)
Buff Jim: RAH!
(Buff Jim picks up a Phoenix guard and throws him into another, prompting more guards to run in and fight)
Guard: HALT!
Buff Jim: Never!
(Buff Jim gets pepper sprayed)
Buff Jim: OH MY GOD, THAT BURNS MORE THAN ANYTHING!
(Buff Jim falls over in pain)
LRH: Why are you resisting? Just accept defeat. That’ll be less painful.
Buff Jim: NEVER! (Swings at air) WE’LL NEVER-
(Buff Jim gets pepper sprayed again)
Security: A budget of a million dollars, and the most you can do to stop us is pepper spray.
LRH: Well, we’re just going easy on you. Guards… (Points finger in the air) bring them to the dungeon! 
(The guards lift the cage and grab Security and Buff Jim in their clutches)
Guard: Just don’t resist. It’ll make this go way easier.
(Out of nowhere, Security tackles a guard and grabs the pepper spray out of his hand then sprays him)
LRH: WHAT THE F(dolphin noise)?! GUARDS, TAKE THEM OUT AT ONCE!
(Guards surround the two and are about to charge when Security holds up the pepper spray; all the guards stay back in fear)
Security: STAND THE F(dolphin noise) BACK! STAND BACK, AND NOBODY GETS SPRAYED! YOU THINK I’M F(dolphin noise) BLUFFING?! WATCH ME! WE ARE F(dolphin noise) LEAVING, AND IF ANYONE TRIES OBJECTING, THEY GET SPRAYED!
LRH: FINE, GO!
Security: MAYBE WE- wait. You’re letting us free?
LRH: Go! Just go. You’ve obviously won! Go free! Free as birds!
Security: (Suspicious glare at LRH) Sure… Whatever you say.
(The door to LRH’s throne room opens and he motions for the guards to leave; Security and Buff Jim slowly walk out the door)
Buff Jim: Where are you going? I can’t see anything, I’m blind!
Security: (Angry sigh, grabs his arm) Just come with me.
Buff Jim: God, I gotta get Crayons to check out my eyes.
(Cut to the Cult at Marker’s base)
SpongeBob: Are they coming back soon?
Squidward: I have no idea, they should’ve been back a while ago. 
SpongeBob: So what do we do?
Squidward: I’m not sure. That President Smolder guy took them and I’m not sure where they are. But… if they haven’t come back since… there’s a chance they could be…
(The door to the bunker opens)
Security: (entering guiding Buff Jim inside) We’re back!
Squidward: What? You’re back? We thought you were dead, you’ve been gone so long! (Notices Buff Jim’s condition) Uh… What happened to Buff Jim?
Security: Pepper spray. He is completely blind right now. 
Buff Jim: And it still burns. A LOT. 
Security: It was weird. They just… well, let us free. No struggle, no fighting back, we were just let free.
Squidward: Huh? That doesn’t make any sense. Are you sure you weren't bugged? 
Security: Please, I’ve got a natural sixth sense for this kind of stuff. I haven’t been bugged.
Squidward: Well, if they let you go so willingly, they must obviously have hidden intentions…
SpongeBob: So what now?
Squidward: I have a feeling that they’ll be back sooner rather than later. I say we wait for them to make some form of move. 
SpongeBob: What if they attack us directly?
Squidward: Then we fight back, but I don’t think they’d try that again. 
SpongeBob: Why not?
Squidward: I just have this weird gut feeling that they won’t. They don’t seem like the type to attempt an attack twice.
Security: Wait a minute - did Markers take anything that looked… Important?
Noseward: He took… The Book of the Damned.
Security: The book of the what?
Squidward: (Slams fist on table) HE TOOK THE BOOK OF THE DAMNED?!
Noseward: Hey, in our defense, we were kind of being flung around and stuff.
Crayons: Who cares about a stupid book? We have my advanced weaponry.
Noseward: I don’t think you properly understand the significance of this, Crayons. That book was SUPER powerful. Your technic whatever was dangerous, but this book really cemented for me that magic is really real.
Squidward: And all that Satan stuff didn’t? 
Noseward: (Brief pause) Touche.
Squidward: I guess I’ll have to be the one to ask this; does anybody know where we can find another super powerful magic book like that?
Noseward: Why don’t we just learn magic ourselves?
Squidward: That’d take YEARS at the LEAST. And I don’t think we even HAVE years. I might be dead tomorrow, for all we know.
Plankton: On that dark note, who wants food? I found some chum!
Squidward: You’re still here?
Plankton: Yeah. Where did you think I was?
Squidward: I’m not entirely sure. And also… nobody wants your chum.
Plankton: (Angry sigh) Fine. (Kicks barrel over)
(SpongeBob and Krabs walk over to a cabinet and open it looking for weapons)
Squidward: Is there anywhere we haven’t checked for any form of weapon?
Crayons: Knowing Markers, there’s probably a lot of secret rooms we just haven’t found yet. 
Squidward: So, what - Will we just look for an invisible button to press?
Crayons: I mean, it’s within the realm of possibility. Or, an alternative idea idea, how about we use LITERALLY ANY ONE OF MY X-RAY CAMERAS TO SEE THROUGH THE WALLS.
SpongeBob: How long have we had those?
Crayons: Okay, well, we don’t technically have one YET, but I can make one. I just need a mirror and some glitter glue.
SpongeBob: Be right back!
(Cut to a few minutes later where Crayons is holding an X-Ray camera)
SpongeBob: You’re lucky I had so much of this stuff!
Crayons: Watch and learn
(Crayons points the camera at the wall and a room filled with armor becomes instantly visible)
Crayons: Jackpot!
Squidward: Could this be our weapon room?
Crayons: I think so. Let’s go in, but CAREFULLY; I have no idea if it’s boobytrapped.
(Crayons begins feeling the wall to find a panel to push and he finds it, pushes it in and reveals the secret armor room)
Security: Why was he hiding all this?
Crayons: No idea but this armor’s pretty nice.  
(There’s a knock at the door)
Squidward: Hello?
Random Cultist: (muffled) hey boss we’re back from the supplies run you sent us on!
Squidward: Oh right! 
(Squidward opens the door and six cultists including Sister Yvonne walk in)
Squidward: Welcome back guys. Wait, weren't there more of you when you left?
Random Cultist: We got ambushed by some of those Phoenix guys.
Random Cultist 2: One of them said that if they captured some of your loyal cultists that you would go get them. You’re gonna go get them, right Brother Squidward?
Squidward: We were actually just looking for weapons to go fight them.
SpongeBob: I feel like we’re always looking for weapons. 
Squidward: Maybe we wouldn’t always be looking for weapons if we weren’t always in danger of losing our lives.
Crayons: Maybe we wouldn’t always be fighting for our lives if you didn’t constantly put our lives in danger.
Squidward: WHATEVER.
SpongeBob: Wait… Remember when we robbed that train? Don’t we have weapons from THAT?
Squidward: Well, yes, but Markers stole a ton of that when he first came back. Not to mention that weird green yelling fish took a lot for his own battles.
Noseward: That guy was weird.
Squidward: Okay, seriously, enough chatter; Let’s just work with what we’ve got. So, where did they take our fellow brothers?
Cultist: Most of them are still prisoners, I think.
Squidward: If they want us to bring the fight to them then that’s what we’ll do. 
Noseward: What happened to them bringing the fight to us?
Squidward: That was before they kidnapped more of my men. Brother Jim, where did they take you and Security?
Buff Jim: Their castle, sir. 
Security: Yeah, when we infiltrated the Phoenix Plaza as you instructed us to, it turned out it was just like a big castle thing.
Squidward: They own a castle?
Security: I guess so.
Squidward: Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen. Crayons and Plankton, I need you two to stay here and watch the base in case they come here or Markers decides to come back. 
Crayons: Can you leave some other brothers here too?
Cultist 2: I’ll stay!
Squidward: Great, how about you two stay here too (points at two other random cult members).
Random Cultist: Aw, I never get to go on missions.
Squidward: So myself, Noseward, and SpongeBob will lead the cultists directly to the base. I want us in front and then I want Security, Jim, and Krabs to lead a secondary group at a distance behind us in case they try to ambush us from far away. We’ll march up to that castle of theirs and force ourselves in, then get our brothers back! For the cult! 
Noseward & Security: For the cult!
(Everyone else sort of just looks around)
Squidward: We’ll leave after we get some of that armor. And Crayons, can you see if there’s any weapons lying around we can salvage?
Crayons: You got it!
(Cut to a random cultists guarding the entrance to Markers’ bunker)
Cultist: La de da de dum de da- 
(Suddenly, the cultist gets a bag over his head and he gets dragged away from the door by a Phoenix Guard)
Phoenix Guard: My apologies for the rude introduction. I just had to do what I had to do.
(The Cultist is knocked out)
2nd Phoenix Guard: You understand. Surely.
(Suddenly, a walkie-talkie is heard from their pockets)
Squidward: (From walkie-talkie) Hello? Hello? Report in! Hello? Why the hell are you not at the door?
Phoenix Guard: (Pulls walkie-talkie out, talks through it) I’m afraid this Cultist will not be serving you any longer.
Squidward: (Through walkie-talkie) What? Who the Hell are you? Hello?
(The Guard throws the device on the ground and shoots it, destroying it completely; cut back to a very confused Squidward in the bunker) 
Squidward: What the hell? I’m not getting a signal anymore.
Noseward: Do you think we should go check it out?
Krabs: I volunteer.
Squidward: You sure? Cus-
Krabs: (Puts arm on Squidward’s shoulder) You’ve been through enough today, Squidward. I’m doing my part. 
(Krabs walks upstairs and as soon as he opens the door he gets knocked out by the Phoenix guards)
Phoenix Guard: That was almost TOO easy. (Snobby chuckle)
Squidward: What the Hell?! Phoenix?! What are you doing at our bunker? How did you even know we’re operating here?
Phoenix Guard: It was all too easy. We knew you’d go after the missing cultist. We simply are beating you at your own game. (Points gun at everyone)
Squidward: Where did you take him, you brute?!
Phoenix Guard: (Laughs) Wouldn’t you like to know?
Squidward: Alright. I have had ENOUGH!
(Squidward rushes up the stairs to the guard, but the guard shoots him in the foot, causing Squidward to fall down the stairs)
Squidward: (Screaming in pain) OW! WHAT THE F(dolphin chirp)
Phoenix Guard: Without any further dillydallying, we’ve taken your cultist to the Bikini Bottom Phoenix Park. Meet us there with your entire force if you want him back. But if you aren’t there in 30 minutes, you will all die.
Squidward: You can’t kill ALL of us!
(Suddenly, a large group of Guards show up all holding guns, pointing them at the Cult)
Phoenix Guard: 30 minutes, or you die. (Walks off laughing)
(The Phoenix Guard goes back outside and Squidward goes to Doctor Crayons to get a bandage)
Squidward: Get whatever weapons we have. We’re all leaving right now!
Doctor Crayons: What happened to your original plan? 
Squidward: We can’t do that, unfortunately. These Phoenix guys clearly aren’t messing around, and I don’t want to be shot to death.
Krabs: We’ll have to just take the fight to them. 
Squidward: No, too risky! Did you see how many men they had? We would be completely eviscerated the second we even thought of retaliating. 
SpongeBob: So we just meet them at the Park. Plain and simple.
Squidward:Unfortunately, SpongeBob’s right. That’s really our only play here. 
(Cut to Squidward with his foot bandaged up leading the cult to the park, with a clear limp)
Squidward: We should almost be there. 
(The cult is walking through the currently recovering Bikini Bottom)
Noseward: It’s nice to see that Bikini Bottom is cleaning up.
Squidward: (Sigh) I guess. But we are the cause of the societal breakdown.
Noseward: Well yeah, but I’m just commenting on how resilient these guys are. Like, even if this whole Phoenix thing leads to another war, they’ll probably recover just fine. They seem to be doing good for themselves
Squidward: We can’t go to war again. We don’t have the numbers for that and the destruction isn’t worth the risk. You know how we barely survived the war against Satan.
Security: So what do we do if this goes south?
Squidward: (Frustrated sigh) I don’t know. I just hope that when we show up, we can defuse the situation and just go back to the bunker. 
(Bikini Bottomites look on from fear through windows as the cult gets closer to the park. The park comes into sight and a large Phoenix squadron is waiting with Lord Royal Highness in standing in the center in his President Smolder disguise)
LRH: Welcome Cult, thank you for accepting my invitation! 
Squidward: Where’s Brother Sullivan?
LRH: Sullivan, you can come out now!
(Brother Sullivan walks out from behind a few Phoenix guards wearing his own Phoenix suit, his eyes are noticeably bloodshot)
Squidward: What did you do to him?
LRH: I have no idea what you’re talking about! This broken man came to us and asked us to help him achieve a rebirth. 
Squidward: A rebirth?
Sullivan: Thank you for everything, President Smolder, I’m so glad you broke me from the Cult’s tyranny! And to all you Bikini Bottomites out there, this whole rebirth process is pretty cool. It only took about ten minutes, but I feel better then ever!
(The Bottomites all cheer)
Random Fish: So, Sullivan, what does it feel like being free from the cult?
Sullivan: SO good random citizen! The Cult’s caused me nothing but pain and suffering since I joined! 
(The Bottomites cheer again)
LRH: Squidward, I have but one question for you.
Squidward: (Groans in anger) I don’t have to answer.
(A gun is pointed towards Squidward’s head)
LRH: Is it true that you stopped the Apocalypse?
Squidward: It’s all true. Me and my cultists saved the whole world. Is that what you want to hear?
LRH: Yes, it is. And it was a pretty convincing act too, I mean you fooled these really smart, great citizens all around you.
Squidward: What are you talking about?
LRH: What they don’t know.
Citizen: What don’t we know?
LRH: Squidward, another question?
(A second gun is pointed at Squidward)
Squidward: (groans again) Isn’t two guns overkill?
LRH: Isn’t it true that you also started the apocalypse by summoning Satan?
(Everyone looks at Squidward except for the Cultists who keep their attention on all of the Phoenix Guards)
Squidward: Uh… (Gulps) That may be true..
(Everyone gasps)
Squidward: BUT! THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE WE WERE IN NEPTUNE’S DUNGEON! WE LOST A WAR AGAINST THE FEATHERED FRIENDS! WE HAD TO!
LRH: The same Feathered Friends who have since become your closest allies? Doesn’t this all seem extremely artificial? It’s all a front and I see right through you Squidward. You’re a liar, you’d do anything to stay in power, including manipulating fake rebellions like the Feathered Friends and using Satan’s power himself just to improve the Cult’s image. 
Squidward: That’s not true! You’re lying!
LRH: You bring death and destruction with you every single place you go, Squidward, and your blind followers just help you with it. I know better than anybody that you don’t value life in the slightest. I remember what you did to my people. 
(LRH removes his mask and reveals to everyone that he’s Lord Royal Highness)
LRH: I am Lord Royal Highness, the last survivor from Atlantis. 
(The citizens all gasp)
Squidward: How are you- what- you’re ALIVE? (To Security) why didn’t you mention this sooner?!
Security: I thought you knew!
LRH: Shut up! You cultists invaded my homeland a week ago and destroyed everything! We had a paradise, we were living in the perfect society, and you destroyed it all!
Squidward: A WEEK ago? We attacked Atlantis years ago and that timeline doesn’t even exist anymore! How do you even remember-
LRH: Stop lying! STOP LYING.
Squidward: IM NOT.
Citizen 2: Oh, you expect us to trust anything you say?
Citizen 3: You attacked the city! You subjected us to slavery and death for years!
Old Man Jenkins: YOU KEPT ME LOCKED IN A DUNGEON FOR YEARS AND I ONLY GOT OUT WHEN SATAN BUSTED A BIG HOLE IN IT!
(All the citizens angrily yell at the Cult as they begin marching towards them; LRH laughs in delight)
(LRH walks up to Squidward)
Squidward: You think you’re going to get away with this?
LRH: I already have, Squidward. You can’t win this fight. So I’m giving you a choice. Leave now and don’t ever come back, or stay and watch all your friends DIE.
(Squidward’s allies gasp in shock when they hear this)
Squidward: NEVER. NEVER. NEVER!!!! 
(Squidward tries to punch LRH but drops to the floor in defeat)
LRH: Really, Squidward? I thought you had it in you. The OLD you would’ve, but you don’t anymore. You’re pathetic Squidward, and now you’ve lost.
(LRH walks back to the crowd)
LRH: The cult is going to leave! It’s time for this city to be reborn!
Squidward: (Angrily glares at LRH) Make us leave.
LRH: Excuse me?
Squidward: You heard me, I said MAKE us.
LRH: Have it your way.
(LRH motions for his guards to walk away as the angry citizens begin to attack the cult with various items)
Noseward: (to Squidward) what do we do?
Squidward: We need to run, NOW. 
(The episode ends with the cult completely surrounded by angry citizens all attacking them with random items, as LRH’s laugh erupts as it zooms into his open mouth)
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