Unikitty! X SpongeBob Parody: The Happy Cronicle

[episode begins at the Happy Burger with Unikitty in the kitchen]
Unikitty: Order up! [rings bell 3 times]
Mr. Happy: How's it looking out there, little kitty?
Unikitty: Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. H.
Mr. Happy: I ain't interested in same old regulars, Unikitty! So I took out an ad in the Unikingdom Examiner to bring in some new customers! Twas a bargain too. [Unikitty takes a magnifying glass and looks at it] Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, little kitty. How many new customers we got out there so far?
Unikitty: Oooh, let me see there was... none.
Mr. Happy: What?! What do you mean none? Don't these people read the paper? [walks outside to the newspaper carriers, blows on one] Oooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. [notices the other one, and there is a long line] While that paper's selling like Uniburgers. Uh, pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?
Hobo Citizen: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts! [opens newspaper door] The Unikingdom feeder's where it's at! It's got like interesting stories and stuff.
Mr. Happy: [reading the newspaper] "Dirtyboy Strikes Again?" [not reading] Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
Hobo Citizen: I don't know. But they're selling!
Mr. Happy: Yes, they certainly are. [Really Old Edith puts in coin to get a newspaper] Please, allow me. [Mr. Happy opens newspaper door]
Really Old Edith: Thank you!
Mr. Happy: No, thank you. [closes newspaper door] Now let's see how much they charge for advertising. [screams] 25¢ per word?! The newspaper business sure is easy money! [Mr. Happy's body cracks and underneath it is his body, but in money form] That gives me an idea! [The money falls out of place. Scene cuts to the next day at the Happy Burger as Unikitty walks in.]
Unikitty: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Frowny?
Master Frown: Yep, another wonderful humdrum day slinging burgers. [Unikitty walks into the kitchen, but hits her face on something.]
Mr. Happy: Off of your duff, little kitty! You think I spent all last night assembling this printing press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear 2 hats. 'Cause along with your usual fry cooking duties, you're my new lead reporter for the new Happy Cronicle! [A press badge on Unikitty is shown]
Unikitty: Oh! My very own press badge!
Mr. Happy: That's right, little kitty! And here's your very own camera! So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waiting for, Unikitty? [cuts to Unikitty walking down the street]
Unikitty: On the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kind of story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. [there is a bank robbery going on, two tough man destroying someone's car with fire in the background, and a monster] No news to report here. Stop the presses, it's Puppycorn! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for! [takes a picture of Puppycorn] Prince Puppycorn, I'm Scoop Princess Unikitty from the Happy Cronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Puppycorn: Oh, I'm not taking a bus, Unikitty. I am watching this pole. So the next time it moves, I will see it!
Unikitty: Whoa, this story is juicy! [cuts to the Happy Burger where there is a sign that says "The HAPPY CRONICLE" on it. Unikitty is writing on the typewriter, then puts it in a pile of papers, then finished the headline for the paper, then puts it in the printing press. Mr. Happy walks in]
Mr. Happy: What a money-tastical day! Eh, Mr. Frown?
Master Frown: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.
Mr. Happy: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too. 
Master Frown: We haven't sold any papers today. [as Unikitty drives a wheelbarrow of newspapers]
Mr. Happy: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers? Certainly this gentlemen would like a copy of the Happy Cronicle.
Hippie Citizen: Looks boring. Can I just have a Uniburger?
Mr. Happy: Too boring? [looks at paper] Unikitty! [The HAPPY CRONICLE sign on the Happy Burger shakes] What's the meaning of this?!
Unikitty: Meaning of what, Mr. Happy?
Mr. Happy: "Local Resident Watches Pole?" No one's gonna pay to read this malarkey! When you write these stories, you've gotta use a little imagination, little kitty.
Unikitty: Imagination!
Mr. Happy: Yeah. Maybe instead of "Man Watches Pole," you could say something like... oh... "Man Marries Pole." Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and, see? [Mr. Happy modified it to look like what he said] Now that's a juicy story!
Unikitty: But Mr. Happy, isn't that lying?
Mr. Happy: Don't think of it as lying, little kitty. Think of it as... uh... a practical joke. You know. Something everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want you to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! [cuts to an intersection, and Unikitty is hiding behind a trash can. Stephanie pulls up, and then a Action Police pulls up behind here. Unikitty takes a picture, and both of them look around]
Unikitty: Stephanie is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! [cuts to a newspaper that says "Driving Test Teacher in High Speed Chase"]
Mr. Happy: "Driving Test Teacher in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, little kitty! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! [everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Master Frown hands Green Dad a copy]
Unikitty: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote. 
Mr. Happy: That's called editorial privilege, little kitty. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story possibly affect Stephanie in any way? [cuts to Stephanie's Driving School]
Stephanie: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business! [cuts to Unikitty hiding in a chimney, looking through binoculars]
Unikitty: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Hawkodile. Hmm, wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles. [goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster] Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. [Hawkodile walks up to Theodore]
Theodore: Hawkodile, hey, tough guy? Can I punch you in the gut?
Hawkodile: Sure. Everybody does. It won't hurt me a bit. [Theodore punches him, and Unikitty takes a picture, then one of him putting his arms on his chest, then Hawkodile laughs] Told you it wouldn't hurt.
Theodore: Thanks, big guy.
Hawkodile: See ya round.
Unikitty: [writes on paper] Very interesting... [cuts to a gym, and the teacher is pushing Hawkodile out]
Gym Teacher: Out! Out! Out!
Hawkodile: Hey, what's the big idea?
Gym Teacher: This! [hands him the newspaper]
Hawkodile: [reading] "Hawkodile the Loser Gets Beaten Up by Pipsqueak?" [tries to explain to his teacher] But, but, but..
Gym Teacher: [rudely interupts] No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! [throws him out, then Unikitty walks up]
Unikitty: Hello, Hawkodile.
Hawkodile: Not now, Unikitty. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
Unikitty: Ruined? What are you talking about?
Hawkodile: These lies someone wrote about me. [shows her the paper, and Unikitty gasps. Scene cuts to the Happy Burger]
Mr. Happy: Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. [hands Dainty the paper]
Unikitty: Mr. Happy, can I have a word with you?
Mr. Happy: Make it quick, Unikitty. These papers are selling faster then we can print 'em!
Unikitty: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Mr. Happy: Well, they're certainly doing me some good. [shows her his office, where there is a lot of money] Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! [sits in a pile of money]
Unikitty: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?
Mr. Happy: Ah, you just don't get it, do you little kitty? We're not hurting anyone. We're just making their lives interesting for everybody else. [pushes Unikitty out] Now get out there and fetch another story! [cuts to the Bacteria Palace, and a minifigure citizen bacteria named Julius Bacteria walks out of the kitchen with a Meat Stick]
Julius Bacteria: Oh, Belinda! I think this is it! The Meat Stick that's finally gonna drive Mr. Happy out of business!
Health Inspector: I think not. I'm Health Inspector Stevens. I'm officially closing down your restaurant for good!
Julius Bacteria: Why? I haven't done anything.
Health Inspector: [flatly chuckling] That's not what this says! [shows Julius the paper]
Julius Bacteria: [reading] "Julius' Meat Made of Garbage? The Bacteria Palace serves toxic waste in more ways than one?" [not reading] What?! [The Health inspector locks up the Bacteria Palace with its restaurant sign removed and a poster saying "NOW LEASING" containing a phone number on the poster] Who's to blame for this? Who?! [Unikitty is watching, and then floats away, scene then cuts to a long line, and Mr. Happy is in his office with more money]
Mr. Happy: You're reaching new levels of imagination, oh yeah!
Unikitty: Yeah, I... I know.
Mr. Happy: What's wrong, little kitty? You sick or something?
Unikitty: Yes, Mr. Happy, you could say that.
Mr. Happy: Don't be silly, little kitty! We're a success!
Unikitty: Mr. Happy, we're hurting people!
Mr. Happy: Oh, baloney! You better start feeling right! 'Cause if you don't, you can just kiss your favorite toy goodbye! [shows her pet mascot Pet Pet]
Unikitty: (Gasps) Pet Pet?! Mr. Happy, you wouldn't!
Mr. Happy: Oh, yes I would! Now get out there, and bring me a juicy one!
Unikitty: [sadly] Yes, sir. [cuts to Dr. Fox's Laboratory, where Dr. Fox is doing a series of experiments, then she notices two Science Police carrying a box with awards in it]
Dr. Fox: Hey, where are you going with my science awards?
Science Police 1: It says the nerdy tailed fox. 
Dr. Fox: Excuse me? 
Science Police 1: Don't worry, we're from the Nuclear Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? [holds up newspaper]
Science Police 2: It can't even read. Why are you--? 
Dr. Fox: [snatches the newspaper from him] Oh, Gimme me that! [reading] "Dr. Fox or Dr. Freak? Wacky crazed brainiac really a nerdy tailed slow-witted fox, by... Princess Unikitty?" [throws the paper down] Unikitty thinks she can do that to me?! I thought she was my friend! She's gonna pay for this!
Science Police 1: Oh boy... We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! [the two scientists run away while Dr. Fox is growling popping out angry sparkle matter, cut to Richard in the street]
Nostromoo: Look mom! It's the Boring Guy in the newspaper.
Green Mom: Don't look at him honey. he could ruin our fun.
Richard: [confused] Huh? [Really Old Edith, Diane, Octokite and Ted Butter is waiting on a bus stop, as Richard flies by]
Really Old Edith: Hey guys look, it's the Boring Guy.
Diane: Yeah, get away from us Boring Guy! 
Richard: But what have I done? [cut to the downtown]
Batty: Hey everybody look, it's the Boring Guy! [the crowd boos at Richard]
Gizmo: Get away!
FeeBee: Boo! killjoy!
Rascal: Fun ruiner!
Toaster: You're the worst!
Toast: Yeah!
Richard: What's going on? 
Dino Dude: It's all in the newspaper.
Richard: What? Let me read that. [takes the newspaper from Dino Dude and reads it] "Richard The Boring Guy, is boring and bossy. That makes everyone sleep by his speeches?" [everyone walks away from Richard, who rages] WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WRITING THIS LIE ABOUT ME?!?! WHO?!?! [Unikitty watches then sighs and flies away, the scene cuts to the the Happy Burger, where there is a huge line, and a sign that says over 5 billion copies sold, and Mr. Happy has even more money, and is in his office with Unikitty, and is laughing]
Mr. Happy: You've really outdone yourself this time! [his eyes water up, at Unikitty, and she looks even more saddened]
Unikitty: Mr. Happy, I can't write these stories anymore.
Mr. Happy: Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!
Unikitty: I've seen people and even my friends' lives ruined with my own eyes!
Mr. Happy: People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little pink noggin to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!
Unikitty: Gee, Mr. Happy, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
Mr. Happy: Surprise me! Give me a shocker! [throws her in her chair] Good night, Unikitty. I'll check on you tomorrow morning. And remember, the wildest story ever! [leaves]
Unikitty: Okay. Got it. [starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the papers are being printed, and Mr. Happy runs in]
Mr. Happy: How's it going, Unikitty? [Unikitty turns around, and she is very tired]
Unikitty: Ah, it's a surprise.
Mr. Happy: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. [runs outside and there is an angry mob] Huh?
Green Mom: You are a taskmaster!
Green Dad: YOU ARE A LIAR! 
Squarebear: You are a fraud!
Burger Person: You're also a Hoax News Man!
Richard: (raging) I SERIOUSLY WANT TO RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB FOR WHAT YOU JUST DID!
Mr. Happy: What's going on?
Green Mom: You know very well what's going on! [shows him the newspaper]
Mr. Happy: [reading] "Mr. Happy Overworks Employees? Reaps Reward? Happy Cronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, employee princess reporter pennies while she rakes in the dough?!"
Green Mom: How could you do that to such an innocent princess?! it is sick and inhumane!
Craig: How dare you do this to Unikitty!
Beau: He, overworked, Unikitty! Mr. Happy had no right to do that! His behavior towards Unikitty is putrid!
Dr. Fox: Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
Julius Bacteria: I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil!
Hawkodile: All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! [cries]
Stephanie: And I've had to go back to watching... daytime television! [sobs]
Richard: And everyone thinks I am boring! [bawls] 
Green Mom: Oh, that's it! We're going to beat you to a pulp! AND THEN WE WILL BE TAKING ALL OF OUR MONEY BACK!!! 
Green Dad: WE HOPE YOU HAVE FUN BEING UNCONSCIOUS, CHUMP!! [to the angry mob] OKAY EVERYONE!! GET HIM! 
Everyone: OKAY! 
[everyone runs in and starts beating Mr. Happy up brutally until he becomes knocked out cold. After that, the citizens are seen taking all their money back. Mr. Happy regains consciousness all battered and bruised, and he starts crying when he finds out all his money is gone. A few minutes later, Unikitty arrives.]
Unikitty: What's wrong, Mr. Happy? Are you okay?
Mr. Happy: [still sobbing] You Know what's wrong, Unikitty! And how can I be okay when my money's gone?! It's all gone! It just goes to show and that is trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. [notices the printing press, finishes crying, and cheers up] Or does it? [puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money] Get me some scissors, Unikitty! It's time to use my imagination!
Puppycorn: [while wearing fancy clothes] Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Uniburgers? [Puppycorn's "wife," is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier. Unikitty and Mr. Happy are shocked, as the episode is now over]
Category:Unikitty Parodies
Category:Spongebob Parodies
Category:Parodies