Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?/Quotes

:[It is time for the annual company physicals at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]
:Tester: [looking at readout] This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!
:[The tester turns to see Homer eating a chicken drumstick while he's suspended in the buoyancy tank.]
:Tester: Hey, no eating in the tank!
:Homer: Go to Hell.
----
:Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
:Homer: [matter-of-factly] Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough.
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:[The results from the company physical show that radiation from the nuclear plant has made Homer sterile. To keep him from suing, Mr. Burns concocts a story about Homer getting the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. All he has to do is sign a form (which is actually a waiver). At Homer's insistence, Burns includes a trophy and a big awards ceremony.]
:Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
:Bart: What about the Emmys?
:Lisa: I stand corrected.
----
:Herb: [wearing a gorilla mask] Hooga-booga! Hooga-booga! Hooga!
:[Maggie whimpers and squeals with fear.]
:Herb: [translating Maggie's noises] "I'm scared."
----
:[Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier, who presents the award.]
:Joe Frazier: And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence...
:Homer: [eyes closed, crossing fingers] Please-please-please-please-please!
:Lisa: Dad, you know you won!
:Homer: Don't jinx it!
----
:[Meanwhile, Homer's half-brother Hobo Herb has been living as a bum since losing his car company. He sees a young mother struggling to understand her baby, and gets the idea of inventing a baby translator to make his fortune back.]
:Herb: [talking to fellow bums] I'm tellin' you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea!
:Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?
:Herb: All right, a man needs two things. An idea, and money to get it off the ground.
----
:[While the family is in a furniture store shopping for a new couch, Homer tries out a fancy vibrating recliner called the "Spinemelter 2000" and falls in love.]
:Homer: [still vibrating] I-I-I-I-'l-l-l-l-l t-t-t-a-a-a-k-k-k-e-e-e i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t!!!!
:[Marge Looks At Price Tag]
:Marge: [looking at price tag] This chair is two thousand dollars! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
:Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
----
:[After accidentally going to the Flanders house, Herb rings the Simpsons' doorbell and waits for someone to answer.]
:Herb: "What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
:[The door finally opens. It's Homer.]
:Homer: Herb?
:[Herb punches Homer in the jaw and walks inside.]
:Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!
:Herb: Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]
:Homer: [rubbing his head] You weren't so glad to see me.
:Herb: I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
:Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
:Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.
----
:[The Simpsons and Herb sit down to dinner. Bart makes small talk.]
:Bart: Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?
:Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.
----
:[After borrowing Homer's $2,000 of "Excellence" money and spending hours working with Maggie, Herb is ready to unveil his baby translator prototype.]
:Herb: Now, I bet you're all wondering what's under this sheet.
:Bart: Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john.
:Herb: Well, here it is again. My baby translator! [pulls the sheet off]
:Marge: [impressed] "Oooooooooo!!!
:Herb: Marge, you don't have to humor me.
:Marge: Well, it's pretty ingrained.
:Herb: What do you think, Homer?
:Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand dollars on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!
:Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?
:Homer: I'll try, but I can't.
:[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles. The translator goes into action.]
:Maggie: [via translator] Lavish attention on me and entertain me.
:Marge: [gasps] Maggie! You talked!
:Herb: You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.
:Lisa: [covering Maggie's eyes] Maggie? Maggie?
:Maggie: [via translator] Where did you go?
:Lisa: [uncovering Maggie's eyes] Peek-a-boo!
:Maggie: [via translator] Oh, there you are. Very amusing.
:Herb: Well, Homer, now what do you think?
:Homer: I don't know, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something.
:Marge: Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.
:[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles again.]
:Maggie: [via translator] I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.
----
:[At the Baby Convention, Herb's translator is a big hit and sells extremely well, making him his fortune back. Herb pays Homer back the $2,000 he borrowed and gives gifts to Marge and the kids.]
:Homer: [looking forlorn] Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.
:Herb: Homer, walk me to my car. [They go outside.]
:Homer: What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it.
:Herb: This is what you get. I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same.
:Homer: That's it?
:Herb: That's it.
:Homer: I see your point - brother.
:Herb: Give me a hug - brother.
:Homer: All right, but I've never really hugged a man before.
:[As the two brothers embrace, a delivery truck from "The Seatery" pulls into the driveway, behind Homer.]
:Herb: Homer, I bought you the damn chair.
:[Now ecstatic, Homer covers Herb with kisses.]
es:Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?/Frases