Synthetic Evil

Synthetic Evil is the third episode of Kakos Industries.
== Synopsis ==
In which the Fire Celebration is recapped, the division of labor has exciting news, the department of Funk Pharmaceuticals has developed a solution to the biggest headaches, animal testing is resumed, and Marilyn Cooper wins the Ruin a Life Contest.
== Summary ==
Corin Deeth III opens the announcements as CEO of Kakos Industries. He informs shareholders that Evil is doing very well thanks to the announcements. According to a graph he's looking at, Evil is "way, way up." He's not sure what the other axis of the graph means, and notes that there is a special circle of hell for people who don't label their axes, which he personally had built.
=== Radio ===
Shareholders receive the announcements via a preprogrammed synthesizer/sequencer by Synth-Aesthesia. Corin notes he doesn't know how long it took to program a synthesizer to accurately reproduce his voice, but one intern was lost in the process. He also warns listeners not to attempt to sample any of the sounds from the broadcast, or they will be bitten by GMO Bite Wolves. Listeners are further warned that if they attempt to play the broadcast a second time, the synthesizer will only produce sick beats, and the sickness will be polio.
=== Fire celebration ===
Coring reports on the successful fire celebration, in which the Northwest branch of Kakos Industries was destroyed. A small sun, complete with eight-planet solar system, appeared in the fire during the celebration. Corin notes that the third planet from the sun was blue and green, and appeared to have life. He describes the beauty of watching the sun slowly become a red giant, destroying all the tiny planets. The beauty caused a tear to form in his left eye, which was captured in a small vial for future analysis.
Unrelatedly, the Koreatown location also burned down. It is suspected that the sun was part of a binary system.
=== Big Black Hole celebration ===
Upcoming on the festival calendar is the Big Black Hole celebration, in which Kakos Industries remembers the incident where a black hole was created at, and subsequently destroyed, the New York location. The black hole is a quarter of a mile wide, and otherwise impossible to measure. Attempts have been made to measure its depth, by tying a person to a rope and lowering them into the hole. So far they have found the hole to be over 20,000 leagues deep. This is significantly more than the diameter of the earth, yet the measurer was not burned up by the earth's core nor did they end up in space. Kakos Industries has found the big black hole a useful place to dispose of waste. It has not be used to dispose of Clean Burning Uranium, as that may make study of the bottom of the hole difficult (if it is ever found), but during the Big Black Hole celebration a live aurochs will be thrown in.
=== Division updates ===
Corin reports that the acquisition of the Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations is on track. Kakos Industries has learned that the Brotherhood largely operates out of chicken restaurants. They do not run salmon restaurants because they feel "their customers don’t deserve the sacred fish." Corin describes his excitement for the day when Kakos Industries will consume the Brotherhood and all of their assets.
The Division of Labor has been established to manage Hell. They report that boredom from doing the same repetitive tasks every day is a growing problem among workers in the labor camp. To combat this, they will find a change of pace by being assigned additional duties that any recently deceased or laid off workers can no longer complete.
The Department of Funk Pharmaceuticals has produced a larger pill to treat larger headaches. Swallowing the massive new pill requires the patient to fully relax all the muscles of their face, jaw, and neck, which itself relieves much of the headache, assuming the patient survives swallowing the pill. The department is also working on a back pain suppository.
=== Things We're Taking Credit for Now ===
* Handlebar mustaches
* Fortune cookies
* Really liking a song, and then not really liking that song
=== Additional updates ===
Kakos Industries has resumed animal testing. This is due in part to the expense of testing exclusively on humans, and also due to lack of space for bodies. The Division of Green Energy is exploring methods of turning human remains into electricity, or feeding the remains to Kakos Industries' GMO Human-Eating Plants.
A new political party, the Angry and We Mean It Party, has been established to promote anarchy. The party is estimated to be "at least 30% more belligerent" than any other political party, and entirely disconnected from reality. Kakos projects that politicians will do their best to pander to this new political party, and in the process lose any ability to make legislation work.
Corin announces the death of Kakos Industries' greatest adversary, Alan Gund. Alan, who committed corporate espionage against Kakos, had previously managed to escape many attempts on his life. Kakos had attempted cutting him in half with lasers, crushing him in giant clockwork gears, filling the room he was in with toxic gas, and dropping him into liquid nitrogen. He was finally successfully killed by stabbing him in the back with a large knife. His body will be arranged in an embarrassing position, then preserved in bronze and displayed in the basement ballroom.
=== The office romance ===
Corin updates listeners on the office romance he has started between Kara Smith and Billy Wessler. They have met up for drinks once, though their friends report that they look forward to seeing each other again. Corin begins to wonder if Kara and Billy will get married, and notes that Kakos Industries has not had a monogamous marriage within the company in decades. There have been many triads, and one employee, Karen Delgado, has four husbands. Corin notes that all marriage partners receive full marriage benefits from Kakos, to "cheapen traditional marriages." He considers sending Kara and Billy pamphlets about Kakos Industries' marriage benefits, or having the Division of Pop develop some subliminal messaging.
=== Ruin-a-Life Drawing ===
Marilyn Cooper wins the Ruin-a-Life Drawing, causing her nemesis Dani Doons to have indistinguishable boring dreams. Her dreams will be mundane and mimic boring real life events, such as brushing her teeth or getting dressed, just to wake up and have to do them all over again. Marilyn Cooper will wake up without one of her ring fingers.
=== Numbers ===
303 2600 808 60 909 1080 20 1/3
== External links ==
* 
* 
* 
Category:Episodes