The Simpsons Guy

This is the transcript of The Simpsons Guy.
== Part #1: For Pete's Sake ==
(The episode starts with five of the Griffins watching TV.)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the All in the Family and Modern Family crossover episode.
CLAIRE: Hello, Mr. Bunker. We brought some hummus.
ARCHIE: Oh, yeah, I knew them two was hummus the minute they walked in the door.
CHRIS: Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation, the priorities are always creative, and not driven by marketing...
STEWIE: Okay, that's enough.
(Peter arrives home.)
PETER: Oh, my God!
LOIS: What is it, Peter?
PETER: Look at this. Dennis the Menace is just shoveling snow. He's being helpful. We might as well just call it Dennis now. He's not a menace.
LOIS: Not every strip is gonna be hilarious.
PETER: You know something? I could do better than these idiots. I should just go down to the paper and sell them my own.
BRIAN: Well, Peter, you might be underestimating the difficulty of writing a comic strip. As someone who occasionally dates the creative muse, I can vouch for the unforgiving face of a blank sheet of paper. In fact, I think it was William Faulkner who said...
(Peter returns with another newspaper.)
PETER: I'm back. I'm published. Check it out.
(He shows a sloppy drawn comic scrip about a man on an island with a monkey saying "R U free tonight?")
PETER: I call my comic "For Pete's Sake", because it points out things that make you shake your head and say, "For Pete's sake." This one's for tomorrow.
(He shows them another about an apple saying to a banana, "How's your wife?" The banana replies "Not good. She's a vegetable.")
BRIAN: These are good, Peter. I like how you retell tired old gags with a detached, ironic approach.
PETER: Yeah, plus, it's all brand-new jokes that I'm really, really serious about.
LOIS: Well, good for you, Peter, but how did you get published so quickly?
PETER: Ah, the editor of the paper owed me a favor. I got him a picture of Spider-Man.
(Earlier at the Daily Bugle...)
J. JONAH JAMESON: Why can't anyone get me a picture of the Spider-Man?
PETER: Here you go.
(Peter gives Jameson a picture of Spider-Man at a school cafeteria seeing a woman bending down getting salad, showing her underwear.)
PETER: Yeah, I got a whole subreddit of superhero thong shots.
(At the Drunken Clam...)
JEROME: Here's your beer, Peter.
PETER: Thanks, Jerome. What do I owe you?
JEROME: Nah, you already paid me in laughs. (He laughs at a comic script of another island comic. This time, the man says to the monkey "I think we should see other people.")
PETER: I do a lot of island ones.
JOE: Peter, you should do one where a baseball player can't steal second, 'cause he's on probation, for drug crimes. Political.
PETER: Yeah, you put an island in there, you're in business.
GLENN: Hey, how about one where you draw a sock, and it says "Sock it to me," or maybe draw Lois taking a hot-tub dump, and she just says whatever?
(Back at the Griffin residence, Peter writes a comic on his table. Lois comes in holding a newspaper.)
LOIS: Peter, your comic in this morning's paper is really offensive.
(She shows him a comic of a man throwing a woman down on a counter yelling at a cashier, "My dishwasher broke!" Peter giggles.)
LOIS: That's not funny, Peter.
PETER: Ah, you're just not getting it, Lois. See, his wife washed dishes for him.
LOIS: Oh, for Pete's sake.
PETER: Aha, there you go.
(Brian comes in, looking at his laptop.)
BRIAN: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
PETER: What? Gosh, it's not like the Internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.
BRIAN: Peter, you have to apologize.
PETER: What, because of a joke?
BRIAN: Not just a joke, Peter. A joke that angered some bloggers.
(PETER sighs) Well, I guess this ain't the first time I got in trouble for something I said about a woman.
(A flashback shows him and Chris entering a store and passing by a female security guard.)
PETER: Oh, good, we can steal.
(Later, Peter's at the Quahog 5 News studio on Joyce's show, The Flow.)
JOYCE: And welcome back to The Flow. We're talking to Peter Griffin, the artist behind For Pete's Sake, which has caused outrage with a misogynistic comic. Here's a video of some outrage.
(Footage of people are shown starting riots and chants. The audience jeers.)
PETER: Yeah, those boos don't hurt so much 'cause you spent two minutes of the last segment applauding a red velvet cake.
(The camera pans to a red velvet cake next to Peter. The audience stops jeering and applause.)
JOYCE: And if that's not bad enough, this morning's cartoon is even worse. Let's put that up.
(It shows the same comic, but with different lines. The customer says "My vacuum broke!" Then, the cashier says, "Oh. I remember you from yesterday." and the audience resumes booing.)
JOYCE: Mr. Griffin, do you really think this is an appropriate cartoon to run on Gloria Steinem's half-birthday?
PETER: You sound angry. Did one of your friends get engaged?
JOYCE: You have no idea how offensive you are to women, do you?
PETER: What? I love women. I bet I can name more porn stars than you. But don't tell my wife how many porn stars I know. I'll get in a lot of trouble. I know all of them, though. There are people who just started an hour ago, and I know them.
(Back at the Griffin house, a mob of women surround the house.)
WOMAN #1: Your cartoon is sexist!
WOMAN #2: Down with misogyny!
WOMAN #3: It wasn't even funny, and I have a great sense of humor.
PETER: Man, they seem really upset. I was just trying to make people laugh.
CHRIS: Dad, I'm worried they're gonna hurt us.
PETER: No, no, they're angry, Chris, but they ain't gonna get violent. (A thrown brick shatters through the window.) Oh, cool, that brick I ordered. (Another one comes.) Wait a minute, I didn't order this brick. You may be right, Chris.
LOIS: Peter, this is getting out of hand. I don't feel safe in my own home. Maybe we should get out of Quahog for a while.
BRIAN: You know, she's right. We should get out of town till this all blows over.
PETER: Okay, we'll go, but just give me a minute, I just wanna turn in my last "For Pete's Sake".
(A comic shows Peter with a smoking pipe in his mouth, holding a jacket and going out of his house. On the outside part of the door says, "The Next Chapter". Words below say, "Thanks for the ride - Peter Griffin".)
PETER: I'm like Michael Jordan, going out on top amid a flurry of gambling rumors.
== Part #2: Welcome to Springfield ==
(Now, the Griffins are far from Quahog and are on the road in their station wagon. The family wakes up.)
LOIS: Peter, where are we?
PETER: I don't know, I just woke up, too. I tied the steering wheel to my belt. I figure we've been on the road about 20% of the time.
CHRIS: Dad, how long until we can go back home?
PETER: Um, I don't know. How long do women hold grudges? Not very long, I'm guessing.
LOIS: Peter, we've been driving all night. Pull over to that gas station. We can use the bathroom and stretch our legs.
PETER: You got it, babe.
LOIS: Did you call me "babe"?
PETER: I did.
LOIS: Oh, Peter. (She kisses him.)
MEG: Ew. Mom?
PETER: You'll never have this, Meg.
(Later, the Griffins are at the gas station. They exit.)
PETER: Alright, back in the car, kids. For this length of the trip, I was thinking of driving with my shirt off like New Mexico trash.
(Their car then drives off without them, leaving the family in shock.)
LOIS: Oh, my God! Our car!
MEG: Someone's stealing it.
PETER: Ah, crap. Although, I gotta say, you never get to see somebody else driving your car. It's kind of cool. Kind of weird.
LOIS: We're stuck here, Peter! And we don't even know where we are!
BRIAN: Well, there's a sign.
(The Griffins approach the sign, then our view turns around and the sign says, "Welcome to Springfield". Panning back, the Griffins see the view of the town.)
BRIAN: Huh, guess we're in a town called Springfield.
STEWIE: Springfield, eh? What state?
BRIAN: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.
(Now, the Griffins walk around the town. They turn their heads and see the statue of Jebediah Springfield. Meg and Chris see the Aztec theater, then cut to the Krusty Burger sign. Brian and Stewie see the Springfield town hall, then cut to the court house.)
LOIS: Oh, this Springfield place seems nice. We should visit here again.
BRIAN: I don't know, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
PETER: Guys, we ain't here for fun, all right? We're here to find the police, report our stolen car... Oh, and don't drink the water. Everybody around here looks like they have hepatitis.
CHRIS: Dad, I'm starving. Can we get some food?
PETER: Lois, whip out your boob, give the boy his lunch.
CHRIS: Listen to the man.
BRIAN: Yeah, Lois, listen to the man.
LOIS: How about we just go into that store there?
(Lois points to the Kwik-E-Mart. The Griffins enter.)
PETER: Uh, uh, excuse me?
APU: Hello. Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.
(An arcade game in front of him called "Applause Applause Revolution" makes applauding sounds.)
APU: Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me unplug that. Oh, such a nuisance! (He unplugs it.)
PETER: Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland. What's the specialty to the house?
APU: For you, I'd recommend the donut.
(A display case of donuts are shown.)
CHRIS: Ooh.
MEG: Yum!
STEWIE: Have you guys seriously never heard of donuts?
APU: These are made fresh every day. And then, several days later, we receive them and make them available for purchase.
PETER: Hey, are these... Are these free? 'Cause I forgot to mention, all our money is in our stolen car.
APU: Thank you, come again.
LOIS: Sir, we can pay you back for the donuts when we find our car.
APU: You think that I am moved by your sob story? I come from a country where the words for "sewage" and "beverage" are the same.
HOMER: I'll pay for their donuts.
(A man comes out of the shadow.)
LOIS: Thank you so much, sir.
MAN: For what? I didn't say anything.
LOIS: Oh.
HOMER: It was me.
(Homer comes out of a different part of a shadow of a store.)
STEWIE: How come this convenience store has so many shadowy parts?
HOMER: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.
PETER: Wow, for real?
HOMER: No man should be so poor he cannot pay for a donut. I was once you. I couldn't afford donuts. Tell them what I did, Apu.
APU: He stole the donuts.
HOMER: I stole the donuts. So, here you go. Twelve. Ten, eight donuts.
LOIS: That's very nice of you, Mister...
HOMER: Simpson. Homer Simpson.
PETER: We're the Griffins. Peter, Lois, Stewie, and then, uh, you know, the others. Brian, I guess.
HOMER: Well, enjoy your... six donuts.
(Peter takes a bite out of a donut.)
PETER: Mmm, yummy. Donut.
HOMER: That's pretty good, but try it like this. (He takes a bite out of his own.) Mmm, donut.
(Peter takes another bite out of his.)
PETER: Mmm. Donut.
HOMER: I think you and I are gonna get along just okay.
== Part #3: Meet The Simpsons ==
(Now at the Springfield Police Station...)
WIGGUM: Yeah, alright, we'll be there, but if you wanna save us a little time, you can start tracing his body with chalk.
(Homer and Peter enter the station.)
HOMER: This is the police station. (He whispers.) Be careful. I think some of them might be cops.
PETER: Oh, hey, there. Cool hat, weird nose. Hey, listen, my car got stolen, I was hoping you could help.
WIGGUM: Well, we got a procedure for handling alleged crimes around here. Let's see, uh, did you contribute to the policeman's ball?
PETER: No?
WIGGUM: Well, that's too bad, 'cause he really needs one. He had an accident last week.
LOU: Yeah, I tried to jump over a parking meter.
WIGGUM: Alright, well, with no contribution, your report goes right into the circular file. (He puts the file in a circular file drawer.) I've gotta be honest, I don't usually check this file, so it might be a while until we find that car of yours.
LOU: Uh, Chief, that excuse to leave you asked for is here.
WIGGUM: Oh, sorry, I gotta take this. It never ends. (Both of the cops leave.)
(At 742 Evergreen Terrace...)
LOIS: Oh, thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
MARGE: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
HOMER: And now this again. You bring home two bands of hippie murderers, and suddenly, that's all you're about.
MARGE: Well, what do you say we have some lunch?
LISA: Where's Bart?
MARGE: Well, he's at camp all week. I'm sorry you won't get to meet him. (The families say nothing.)
(Then, Bart comes in.)
BART: Got kicked out of camp. I superglued my counselor's butt cheeks together.
MARGE: That's terrible. But how did you even get access to his butt cheeks?
BART: I'm not the only one who got kicked out of camp.
MARGE: This is Bart. Honey, your hands are filthy. Go wash up for lunch.
BART: Eat my shorts!
STEWIE: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression, like "what the deuce"?
BRIAN: Probably more popular. Probably... Probably way more popular.
(Later, Bart brings Brian and Stewie into his room.)
BART: Well, here's my room. Hey, you wanna see my weapons closet?
STEWIE: You have a weapons closet, too?
(He opens up his closet to the duo and it shows his slingshot. He uses it and fires a marble out the window.)
TODD: Ouch! Jesus heard my mean thought!
STEWIE: A slingshot! It's so simple and pure. He doesn't need lasers or time machines, just gumballs and marbles and balls of string. He's like something out of Mark Twain!
BRIAN: Whose real name was Samuel Clemens.
STEWIE: How... How does that further this conversation?
BART: Hey, you wanna make a prank phone call?
STEWIE: Ooh, prank phone call!
(Bart dials the number to Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone.)
MOE: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
BART: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Keybum, first name Lee.
MOE: Uh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I got a Lee Keybum? Come on, look at the stools is there a Lee Keybum? Oh, somebody check the rear, I know I got a Lee Keybum.
BARNEY: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food.
(The barflies laugh. Bart laughs as well and hangs up the phone.)
STEWIE: Oh, my God, that's amazing! That's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want a try.
BART: Okay.
(He dials the tavern again and gives the phone to Stewie.)
MOE: Moe's Tavern.
STEWIE: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped! (He hangs up.) Is that... Is that one?
(Meanwhile with Lisa and Meg...)
LISA: So, this is my room. Please excuse the mess. (She puts her stapler in place.) There, that's better.
MEG: Look at all these trophies! There must be, like, 20 of them!
LISA: 23. But I'm sure you have a lot of trophies of your own.
MEG: No. I'm not good at anything.
LISA: Oh, Meg, I'm sure you're good at something. We just have to find out what it is. After all, Nelson Mandela said it's our obligation to shine.
MEG: You mean like my oily face and back?
LISA: No, maybe don't sit on my bedspread, please, but I mean the light within you that makes you an individual. Meg, you need to know that you matter.
MEG: Really? No one's ever told me I mattered before.
LISA: That's why you have to say it. So say it.
MEG: I matter.
LISA: Louder!
MEG: I matter!
PETER: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!
(Some time later, the families eat dinner. Chris takes Maggie's pacifier and sucks it. Maggie cries and takes it back. Chris cries hysterically. She gives Chris a double and he sucks it. Brian comes in.)
BRIAN: Hey, couldn't help but notice there's no seat for me?
MARGE: Oh, I was under the impression that you were a dog.
STEWIE: You're right to have that reaction, Marge.
BRIAN: Well, I just figured, at home I sit with the family, so I assumed that...
MARGE: Have you ever drunk out of a toilet?
BRIAN: I don't see what that has to do with the discussion.
MARGE: Dogs eat in the kitchen.
STEWIE: Yeah, dogs eat in the kitchen!
(Now in the kitchen, Brian watches Santa's Little Helper eat out of his bowl.
BRIAN: You know, you're eating mostly horse hooves and tallow, right? Are you cool with that? Oh, and the ones that fall on the floor, you just eat those up, too, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, you do. So, is that... is that, like, your thing? You eat loud?
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER: Arf, arf, arf!
BRIAN: Uh, I'm sorry, I don't know what... That's a gutter language.
LOIS: Are you making friends in there, Brian?
BRIAN: Yep, he's a lot of laughs.
(At the dinner table...)
PETER: Wow, you work at a nuclear power plant? What's that?
HOMER: I don't know.
PETER: Pretty impressive. I just work at a brewery.
HOMER: Oh, my God, you get to work with beer? Wow! What's beer really like?
PETER: Heh, he's got a big head. (He giggles) Hey, you know... Aw, damn it, I don't have a comic strip anymore.
MARGE: So, still no word from the police on your stolen car?
HOMER: Pfft! The cops here are a joke. I bet you and me can find your car on our own.
PETER: You think so?
HOMER: Yeah. 'Cause Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are a great team!
PETER: A greater team than...
HOMER: Than...
PETER: Yeah, keep going. Than something else?
HOMER: Something else? I don't know what this is.
PETER: Are you... Okay, I'll do it. Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are an even greater team than the Air Force!
(In a fantasy, Homer and Peter are in a biplane fighting an enemy biplane.)
PETER: Hold steady, I got them in my sights!
(He fires and shoots the biplane down.)
HOMER: Whoo-hoo!
PETER: Yeah-heh-hah!
BOB: Yeah, we did it!
HOMER: What's he doing here?
PETER: Uh, we gotta carry him, because he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try, and look what happened.
(Peter points to Cleveland in a failing plane.)
CLEVELAND: No, no, no, no, no, no! (He crashes.)
(Meanwhile, Brian and Chris are walking Santa's Little Helper.)
CHRIS: Wow, they've made a lot of changes to Quahog.
BRIAN: Chris, we're in a different town.
CHRIS: Oh. Is that why there was blood in my stool?
BRIAN: No, that sounds like a separate issue. God, I can't believe I got stuck taking their stupid dog for a walk.
CHRIS: Stupid? Well, I don't know, I think he's kind of fun.
BRIAN: What, are you kidding? He doesn't do anything. You know, it's not his fault, though. He doesn't know any better. He's been on a leash his whole life. Hey, you know what? Come here, Santa's Stupid Name. You're a grown dog, start acting like one.
(He unhooks Santa's Little Helper and he runs off.)
BRIAN: Come here, boy.
(He runs passed Selma and Patty.)
BRIAN: Hey, stop that dog!
PATTY: Sorry, we're on a smoke break.
(Both of them continue the chase. The sisters resume smoking.)
PATTY: Nothing beats smoking and standing.
SELMA: Although smoking and sitting does have its moments.
PATTY: You always have to argue with me.
(Santa's Little Helper runs to the hospital. He enters an emergency room.)
DR. NICK: Oh, thank goodness! I was starting to think you wouldn't show, Dr. Dog.
(Brian and Chris catch up. Santa's Little Helper resumes running. They follow him.)
DR. NICK: Boy, you really like to bleed, huh, guy?
(He exits the buliding, so do Chris and Brian. He enters the entrance to Krusty Burger and they follow him.)
SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN: Hey, there's a dog in the dining area!
KRUSTY: How'd that happen? Get back in there!
(Santa's Little Helper runs to the direction Krusty pointed to. He bumps into a cage that says "Burger Meat", freeing all the dogs. Brian and Chris enter and the dogs exit the restaurant.)
BRIAN: Which one is Santa's Little Helper?
CHRIS: I don't know, you're the one who sniffed his butt!
BRIAN: Yeah, for, like, a second!
(The dogs run off.)
BRIAN: Damn it, he's gone. We're screwed.
SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN: Welcome to Krusty Burger. May I take your order?
CHRIS: Your voice sounds stupid!
(Now at a skate-park, kids are riding skateboards. Bart rides his skateboard on the way there. He rides the half-pipe, then grabs a lamp-post to spin and lets go. He stops and waits for Stewie. Stewie catches up with Bart, balancing on his own skateboard, while wearing the same clothes as Bart.)
STEWIE: Oh, my God, that was great! I mean, unless you think it sucked, in which case it sucked.
BART: It was all right, dude.
STEWIE: Yeah, dude. So, you know, um, I'm only wearing this diaper as a dare, you know, it's not, like, an everyday thing.
NELSON: Hey, loser, I copied off your spelling test and got a D! (He gut punches him and Bart falls to the ground.) Ha-ha! (He leaves.)
STEWIE: I say, how long has that boy been treating you like that?
BART: Uh, about 24 years.
(Nelson pushes a skater down the half-pipe. Stewie scowls. Later, Nelson sees a sack with buttons for eyes and string sewed on for a mouth on it, lying on a bench with a sign saying, "Loser with Lunch money".)
NELSON: Just who I was looking for!
(He punches it and a dart's shot to his cheek, then it knocks him out, making him fall to the ground. It was Stewie who shot it with a slingshot.)
STEWIE: Cowabunga.
== Part #4: Car Retrieve / Beer Confrontment ==
(With Homer and Peter...)
HOMER: Alright, Peter, if we're gonna find your car, we've gotta think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
(Later, they drink from a gas pump. Homer gives Peter the pump and he drinks some.)
PETER: I feel sick.
HOMER: Keep drinking, I prepaid forty bucks!
PETER: Homer, maybe we're doing this wrong.
(A woman pumps gas in the fuel tank and the two see.)
PETER: Oh, crap.
(They unzip their pants. Later at night, at a store called "Video Erötich"...)
CUSTOMER: Haben Sie Homer und Peter MIT Chevron pump?
(The clerk points at the display of copies of Gassensexen.)
(The next day back at the Simpson house, the two fathers think.)
PETER: Okay, I got a great idea how we're gonna find my stolen car. We'll throw a car wash, free for stolen cars!
HOMER: And then when we find it, we'll actually charge the guy!
(Now, a bunch of cars are lined up at their free car wash. Homer and Peter are wearing white shirts and short blue jeans.)
PETER: Well, none of these is my car, but we promised these scumbags a show.
(He turns on the radio, then the two walk to the car, moving their hips from left to right as they wear high heels. We jump cut to Peter pouring a water off the sponge on Homer's rear. Another cut shows Peter using the sponge on his body. The next cut shows him pressing his waist on Homer's. Next one shows Homer blowing suds off his hands. Now, they wash a light purple car. Homer's now on the hood of Fat Tony's car, using the sponge on himself. Tony blocks his sight. Now, Peter's on a yellow car's hood making feminine poses. Homer sprays water on Peter, as he washes a car. Homer raises his left leg as he stands on a red car. Peter sprays water on himself, then sticks his rear to a side-view mirror. Homer whips his hair strands in the air. Peter's now on Snake's car sticking his rear at him. Snake vomits in his car. Homer washes the same car from the beginning of the montage. Peter rubs his face on a car window. Homer uses a windshield wiper to wipe the suds off the windshield, revealing that Herman's in the car. Frightened by homer's state, he gets out of his car and runs, but runs into Peter's rear, as he's washing a car. Homer gets on a roof of a car, then it collapses, after getting on it. Peter bumps his rear on Jimbo's hood several times it activates the airbag, putting Jimbo unconscious. Homer sprays water at us, cutting to the next scene, where Peter rubs himself with sponges. It ends with Wiggum, Lou and Eddie watching.)
LOU: Hey, Chief, we could arrest every single car thief in Springfield.
WIGGUM: After the show, Lou. After the show.
(Meanwhile, Meg and Lisa have done miscellaneous things Meg might be good at, but nothing. Lisa checks her list of thing she might be good at. Crossed off ones are "painting", "hula hoop", "cooking", "ice skating", "dancing", "poetry", "science", "puzzles", "video games", "typing", "reading", "tennis", "pottery" and "chess". The last on the list is "voice control volume".)
MEG: (yells) I don't know! I feel like I'm good at nothing!
LISA: Hey, everyone gets down on themselves sometimes. Those are the days I'm glad I have my saxophone.
MEG: Saxophone?
LISA: Yeah. My dad gave it to me.
MEG: My dad once gave me a gun to hide.
LISA: That's terrible. Whenever I feel any pain or loneliness, I just play away the blues on my saxophone.
MEG: Huh. I usually just beat up a cat.
(Snowball II peeks into Lisa's room and is wide-eyed. Lisa closes the door.)
LISA: Good thing we don't have a cat. Why don't you give it a shot?
(Meg plays it, then Lisa gets wide-eyed. Outside, two birds look at Meg. The blue bird says, "Wow, she's better than Lisa. She's amazing." The purple one replies, "Yeah, for a girl." The blue one replies, "Real nice. And two days after Gloria Steinem's half-birthday." Lisa stares at her, then turns to one of her trophies that say, "Best Sax Player Ever." She turns back to her and scowls. Meg ends the tune.)
MEG: Was that good?
LISA: It was okay, but it would be a shame to waste such great butcher's arms on a musical instrument.
(Elsewhere, a lightbulb is turned on and Nelson is tied up. Water spays on him, waking him up.)
STEWIE: Wakey, wakey. Good morning. You and I have quite a day ahead of us.
(Nelson sees jumper cables attached to a car battery, a whip, a chainsaw, dental tools and a clown painting.)
STEWIE: Oh, that's a clown I painted, so you know I'm truly insane. (Nelson muffles) You know, Nelson, I don't doubt that you've had a twisted childhood. Most evil people have. Hitler, Manson, Jaden Smith. But you're different from them, aren't you? Because they're rail-thin, and you're fat. You're a little piggy, aren't you, Nelson? In fact, I bet you're hungry right now.
(Nelson muffledly responds.)
STEWIE: What's that?
(He takes off the mouth ball.)
NELSON: I could eat.
STEWIE: Good. Because you're going to eat... my... shorts!
(He shoves them in Nelson's mouth, after taking them off.)
(Meanwhile, Homer and Peter watch TV. Marge and Lois enter.)
MARGE: Homer, you're never going to believe what we did. We saw a movie in the afternoon!
LOIS: Yeah, we saw Surf's Up 2. Marge covered her eyes every time the penguins surfed.
MARGE: It made me nervous. They could drown. Hey, where's Santa's Little Helper? Brian, you took him for a walk, right?
BRIAN: Uh, yeah, yeah. More like he took me for a walk. God, what a... what a fun dog. He's in the kitchen right now, totally accounted for.
(CHRIS whispers) Shut up.
BRIAN: I'll, uh... I'll go check on him right now, and Chris will come with me. But nobody else!
(Both of them leave the living room and go in the kitchen.)
BRIAN: Ruff! Ruff, ruff! Ah, there he is! Aw, you like that behind the ear, don't you, boy? Ruff! Ruff, ruff!
CHRIS: Uh... Ruff, ruff! I'm another dog in here!
(Brian slaps Chris.)
(BRIAN whispers) What the hell are you doing?
(CHRIS whispers) He's having a dog playdate.
BRIAN: How does that help us?
CHRIS: We're creating a broad story. (In normal voice) Also, Matthew McConaughey is in here, too! "Alright, alright, alright."
BRIAN: No, no, he's not really in here! We thought it was him, but it was just the oven! (He whispers) Now you're just doing voices.
CHRIS: Jack Nicholson?
(They exit the kitchen.)
BRIAN: Okay, Santa's Little Helper got all tuckered out from his playdate, so he went out back to take a nap under that tree where nobody knows quite where it is.
PETER: Hey, what happened to Jack Nicholson and that other dog?
BRIAN: Yep.
LOIS: Wait, aren't you supposed to be looking for our car?
PETER: Didn't find the car, Lois, but I found a good time with a good pal. Right, Homer? Hey, Quagmire who, right?
HOMER: Yeah, Quagmire who? That's an actual question; I don't know who Quagmire is.
LOIS: Peter, I'm glad you made a friend, but what about our car?
HOMER: Yeah, I got an idea about that. What's the one surefire way to find a lost car?
PETER: Giant magnet?
HOMER: Giant magnet.
(Now, outside...)
PETER: Giant magnet?
(Homer drags a six foot magnet out.)
HOMER Check.
PETER: Giant plug?
HOMER: Check.
PETER: Giant curbside outlet?
(He looks around the front yard.)
HOMER: Oh, things never work the way they do on the box.
(They look at the magnet's box, with a man plugging in the plug of the magnet.)
PETER: Okay, let's get this garbage out of the street.
(The Griffins' car runs Peter over and the driver exits the vehicle. It reveals to be Hans Moleman wearing no pants.)
HANS: Oh, dear, I was using that car as pants.
MEG: Oh, my God, Dad, it's our car!
CHRIS: That confused old guy must have been driving it by mistake.
PETER: How many confused old guys do you got in this town?
(Abe drives by and runs over Peter. He parks in the driveway.)
ABE: I'm old, so I'm the victim!
(Now, Homer and Peter are at Moe's Tavern.)
PETER: Well, Homer, thanks for helping me get my car back. And to show my appreciation, I got a little something for you. (He pulls out a six pack of beer.) Here you go. Pawtucket Patriot Ale; The best Quahog has to offer. Always keep an emergency six-pack in my trunk.
MOE: Oh, that's cool, bringing outside beer into my bar.
(Homer takes a bottle.)
HOMER: Down the hatch! (He drinks the beer.)
PETER: Yeah, it's pretty good, right?
(He wipes his mouth after drinking it.)
HOMER: No.
PETER: Huh?
HOMER: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy rip-off!
PETER: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not a rip-off of Duff. It may have been inspired by Duff, but I like to think it goes in a different direction.
HOMER: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!
PETER: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
(Moe snatches the bottle.)
MOE: Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this! (He rips off the label, revealing that it's Duff.) Huh?
HOMER: (gasps) It is Duff. Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!
PETER: Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for... You know, not being that great.
(Homer gasps)
HOMER: Duff is an icon!
PETER: Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong, I used to love Duff when I was younger, but I haven't even had it in, like, 13 years.
LAWYER: Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery, and you, sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.
HOMER: Aha, intellectual theft! What do you have to say about that, Griffin?
PETER: D'oh!
== Part #5: Court Case / Goodbyes ==
(Now at the Springfield court, helicopters hover in the sky, news vans arrive and the Griffins walk up the steps of the court.)
LOIS: The Pawtucket Patriot Brewery being sued? It's the largest employer in Quahog, Peter. A lot of people's jobs are riding on this.
PETER: Yeah, I got a job for you riding on something.
LOIS: Peter!
PETER: Sorry! Sorry, Lois, I'm tired, 'cause we usually only do these things for half an hour.
(The Simpsons arrive, wearing their Sunday Bests.)
PETER: Simpson.
HOMER: Griffin.
PETER: Nice day, isn't it? Nice day for stabbing a friend in the back.
HOMER: Yeah, and a nice day for bringing thieves to justice.
SUN: We're getting a lot of compliments.
CLOUD: Yep, we're doing something right.
(Now in court...)
LAWYER: Your Honor, citizens of Springfield and visitors from Quahog, my client, the Duff Brewery, is the victim of flagrant intellectual theft.
(PETER whispers) I'm whispering in court to look smart.
(Throughout it shows Tom Tucker & Kent Brockman, Principal Shepherd and Principal Skinner, Stewie and Mr. Burns (with Rupert and Bobo). Bruce and Waylon Smithers. Consuela and Bumblebee Man. Doctor Hartman and Doctor Nick, and Captain Seamus and Captain McCallister)
LAWYER: But it's not just the main Duff recipe that's been plagiarized. Several other Duff variations, packages and design elements have been similarly infringed, resulting again and again in pale imitations, cheap copies, clumsy counterfeits and weak substitutions.
GLENN: You like sex?
LENNY: Eh.
GLENN: I don't think we're very similar.
CLEVELAND: You know why they got us sitting next to each other.
CARL: Uh, 'cause we're the two funniest guys in our towns?
CLEVELAND: Damn right. (They fist bump)
KRUSTY: I'm a Jewish clown.
MORT: Me, too.
WEST: Are you a mayor?
QUIMBY: Yes, I am.
WEST: Are you a "cool" mayor?
QUIMBY: I, uh... I like to think so.
(Both of the mayors walk out the door.)
QUAHOG WOODS: You live in Springfield?
SPRINGFIELD WOODS: Yeah, I worked at the Kwik-E-Mart, researching a role.
QUAHOG WOODS: These guys are gonna lose.
FRED: I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock.
PETER: Oh, ho, ho!
HOMER: Ooh!
FRED: But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to yabba-dabba-do!
BOTH: Eh.
FRED: And I find in favor of Duff.
LOIS: Oh, no!
MEG: Oh, no!
PETER: Oh, no! (Nothing happens. He gets a call.) Hello?
KOOL-AID MAN: Uh, hey, I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield.
(Now, the Griffins get their stuff and pack up the car.)
MARGE: So what's going to happen now?
LOIS: Well, the Pawtucket Brewery will be shut down, so I guess we've gotta go back to Quahog and find Peter a new job.
MARGE: Hmm, that's too bad.
LOIS: Yeah. Anyways, it was still nice to meet you and your family, even though you kind of screwed us over.
MARGE: Good to have you. And, hey, next time you stay with a family, maybe you could wear a bra some of the time.
(Lois covers herself.)
BRIAN: Hey, uh, Marge, uh, listen, there's something difficult that I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, and, um... It's about, uh, Santa's Little Helper.
MARGE: What about him?
BRIAN: He's, um... (Santa's Little Helper appears next to him.) right there.
MARGE: You were trying to figure out a way to tell me that?
BRIAN: I overthink things sometimes.
CHRIS: Oh, and, look, he's with Ed McMahon! "Hey-o! Here's Johnny!"
BRIAN: Chris, we're done.
CHRIS: You may be, but "I'm just getting warmed up!" That's Al Pacino.
(With Meg and Lisa...)
MEG: Thanks for being so cool, Lisa. I cut your name in my arm so I'll always remember you.
(Her arm shows her cuts, spelling Lisa's name.)
LISA: Meg, I want you to have this.
MEG: Your saxophone?
LISA: Yes, Meg. When you played the saxophone, I could feel your soul coming out. So, I want you to take this and shine.
MEG: Lisa, no one has ever done anything this nice for me. You're amazing, and I will never be like you. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not talented, I have the same shoe size as Charles Barkley, my prom date was a scarecrow I stole, and he left with someone else, the inside of my hat smells so bad, I'm not allowed in most restaurants...
LISA: Hey, hey! (sweetly) Shut up, Meg.
(They both share a heartfelt look, then hug.)
PETER: No luggage, car's full, let's go.
(He puts it in a nearby trash can.)
BART: Well, nice knowing you, Stewie.
STEWIE: Same here, Bart. Hey, I hope you don't mind, I've got you a little present.
(He opens the garage door revealing Nelson, still tied up.)
BART: Whoa, is that Nelson? Stewie, what the deuce?
STEWIE: Yes, I... Oh! Oh, that's nice. You've got that from me. 'Cause, you know, I was starting to worry this was a one-way thing.
BART: You kidnapped him?
STEWIE: I kidnapped all your enemies. Nelson, Jimbo, Principal Skinner, Sideshow Bob, Apu. I know Apu's not your enemy, but I just wanted to say, "I took a poo." (He chortles.)
(Bart laughs, as he gets the joke.)
BART: That is funny! But the rest of this is messed up, man.
STEWIE: I know, Isn't it awesome? So, how do you want to keep in touch? Facebook? Twitter? Late-night phone calls, lying on our tummies with our feet up in the air?
BART: Stewie, I don't think we can be friends. You freak me out.
STEWIE: Bart, if we don't keep in touch, I'll kill myself.
BART: That's what I'm talking about. Later, dude!
STEWIE: Later... dude.
(He unties Nelson and Nelson gut-punches him.)
(NELSON, still muffled) Ha, ha!
== Part #6: Simpson vs. Griffin / Back Home ==
(The Griffins have packed all their stuff in their car and get ready to leave. Homer's inside looking out the window, seeing the Griffins. He looks at the Springfield Shopper with the main headline, "Pawtucket Brewery to shut down, thousands to lose jobs." He looks at the Griffins again. Then, looks at another headline, "Families need jobs to eat and live." He looks at the family once more, then at the last one. "Newspaper headlines can stir feelings of pity.")
HOMER: Aw.
(Peter shuts the hood closed and walks to the driver's seat, but Homer arrives.)
HOMER: Hey, Griffin, sorry about your job. I was just sticking up for Duff. I love Duff, and Duff loves me. Duff can keep a secret, Duff never says no, Duff is more experimental than any partner I've ever had. Anyway, point is, I'm sorry.
PETER: You know, when I first met you, I thought, "Hey, I love this guy!" "This is the funniest guy I've ever met!" "I'm gonna quote this guy to all my friends! I love his town, I love his family!" But now, I think I speak for all of us when I say, I am over the Simpsons!
HOMER: (gasps) What are you saying?
PETER: I'm saying the Simpsons suck!
HOMER: Why, you...!
(He pounces and grabs him and they roll. When they get up, he punches him. Peter's nose bleeds. He growls at him.)
HOMER: Huh?
(Peter starts punching Homer and he punches back. They continue punching each others' face, then Homer tackles him and Peter punches him down, making him pull down his pants. He pulls them back up and trips, then kicks Homer in the face. They again punch each other, then Homer strangles Peter. Peter smacks Homer and he pushes him away to let go. He coughs.)
PETER: Ow! What the hell? That really hurts!
HOMER: No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time.
PETER: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
HOMER: That's your son!
(He yells, then head-gut-punches Homer.)
PETER: Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!
(They resume punching. Peter punches Homer hard, making him topple into a bunch of kids. The school bus arrives, hitting Sherri and Terri. Otto opens the bus' door, then Homer gets up and Peter punches him, making him bump Otto out of the bus. Homer kicks Peter in the face, making him fall out of the bus. He gets up and Homer traps his head in the door.)
PETER: Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(He steps on the gas petal and drives. He turns the bus into downtown. He rams Peter's body into some buildings. Then gets back on the road and rams him into some cars. He rams him into a tree, making his head come off of the door.)
HOMER: Phew!
(Peter returns on the roof. Homer screams, then Peter kicks through the window. He punches Homer and strangles him with his arm.)
HOMER: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!
RALPH: Haha, I'm in danger.
(The bus turns, flinging Ralph out. The two once again punch each other. The bus heads for the Power Plant. They drive through the security gate, as well as the tire spikes popping the tires. The bus swerves, then rolls while they still fight. It stops rolling and crashes inside. After it stops moving, Homer kicks Peter out of the bus and they continue punching each other. Homer then headbutts him into Sector 7-G. They punch each other, then Homer attempts to kick him, but Peter grabs his leg and throws him into his work station. They punch each other, then Peter hits Homer down to the floor. He crawls to a cabinet, holding lots of Emmy awards. He throws them at Peter.)
PETER: Hey, no shit, I don't got none of them!
(Homer throws another, but he dodges it. It lands into a control room, then explodes. An alarm sounds. A sign saying "Meltdown" lights up.)
HOMER: Uh-oh.
(The musk of radiation turns them into swapped looks of themselves, then changes them back. Two explosions make them bump into each other. Then, the floor breaks and they fall three floors down to the reactor of toxic waste. The splash hits an employee in a radiation suit, making him fall. Homer's skeleton rises and levitates in the air. His skin regenerates, as well as his eyes and clothes, then muscles are summoned.)
Homer: Ooh.
(Peter's skeleton punches Homer into the sky. Then, his body regenerates and he gets muscles as well. He flies up out. Homer stops and sees him charging at him. He does the same. They both crash into each other making a fireball. It disintegrates some of the townspeople and also not just disintegrates them, but also just their clothes. The two of them punch each other once more. Then, they hold out their fists and they hit each other, sending them soaring off in different directions. Homer goes through the hole of the Lard Lad Donuts donut sign, through a building and a sign. With Peter, he crashes through the Duff Stadium jumbotron, the Itchy and Scratchy studio and a random buliding.)
PETER: Son of a bitch!
(He last crashes into the Krustylu studio. Inside, he's landed into a cannon on the set of Krusty's show.)
KRUSTY: And remember, kids, TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.
(He guffaws and fires the cannon. Peter's shot sky high. He holds his arm up and makes a fist, as he's soaring towards Homer. He screams and gets hit. The two once again punch each other. Kang and Kodos see them on their monitor.)
KODOS: Perfect. The earthlings are destroying themselves.
ROGER: Yeah, it's really great, isn't it, guys? We went to summer camp together.
(They crash into their UFO and the three aliens are sucked out.)
ROGER: Bye! Thanks for having me.
(The two of them are still punching, until Homer looses his powers. He plummets, then grabs onto a ledge. Peter lowers down.)
PETER: It appears that I am now the only fucking one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my motherfucking fury...! (He looses his, too.) Oh, shit, I talked too long.
(He holds onto Homer and the UFO falls down to Earth. It enters Earth's atmosphere and heads for Springfield Gorge. The two once again punch faces, then turn their heads and see the gorge. They scream, then punch each other, then repeat the same two things and ends with them screaming. The UFO rolls down and jumps the gorge. it soars almost over the pit.)
PETER: We're gonna make it!
HOMER: Trust me, we're not.
(The ship plummets and crashes and both of them fall out.)
HOMER: Whoa!
PETER: Aah!
(They hit the side of the pit, and fight while falling, then hit the ground. They get up, then a giant rock lands from above them, but they jump out of the way. Both of them try to peek at what side they're at, then Homer goes around, then Peter kicks him by surprise to the ground. Homer kicks Peter and punches him, then gets up and charges at him with a fist up, but Peter dodges his hit and hits him with wood. Peter does Homer's)
PETER: Whoo-hoo!
(Homer kicks him out of view. And he says Peter's)
HOMER: Roadhouse.
(Peter spits and gets up, then growls. The two circle each other, then closes ups start with Peter, then Homer. Then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer, then Peter, then Homer. Homer makes a face. Peter furiously growls. They both charge to each other. In slow motion, they punch each other and then fall to the ground. Peter then gets up and slams a rock down on Homer's hand, making him exclaim in pain. Peter picks up a piece of the remains of the UFO, that's spear-like. He uses it to hit Homer's face. He puts his foot on his right arm holds it up to stab him. Struggling to brake loose, Homer screams, then bites his testicles, making Peter scream.)
PETER: Fuck!
(He falls to the ground with foam coming out of his mouth. Homer then gets up and picks up a heavy rock. Peter becomes conscious and wakes up seeing Homer, who's about to crush him with the rock.)
HOMER: Say hi to fucking Stupid Flanders.
(He sees the UFO about to fall.)
PETER: No! You say hi to fucking Muriel Goddamn.
HOMER: Who?
(Peter gets out of the way and the UFO crashes on Homer. Peter then sees the crushed Homer with his eyes closed and his tongue out. He leaves, as the sunsets. Homer then opens his eyes and scowls. He crawls out of the debris of the ship and walks off, then stops to see Peter sitting on a rock.)
HOMER: What are you still doing here?
PETER: I think you're gonna get a kick out of this. You're parked behind me at your place.
HOMER: That is funny.
PETER: Hey, listen, I... I'm sorry we fought. I just wanted to make you laugh and cry. You see, I'm a Family Guy.
HOMER: I understand. I'm a The Simpsons.
PETER: Look, even if we don't work as best pals, I respect you.
HOMER: You, too. Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other.
PETER: With a pile of garbage between us.
(While they walk away, Comic Book Guy sees them.)
COMIC BOOK GUY: Worst... chicken fight ever.
(Now, the Griffins are back in Quahog at 31 Spooner Street.)
LOIS: It sure is nice to be back in Quahog.
MEG: Oh, and thank God all the commotion about Dad's comic blew over.
PETER: Oh, my God, I had a comic? That's hilarious!
LOIS: Well, you may not be a cartoonist anymore, but you are a local hero for defending our beer, and apparently, that's more important than hating women. So here you go, a Pawtucket Patriot Ale.
PETER: What? I don't understand. Ain't the brewery out of business? We lost a court case.
LOIS: Yes, we lost, but how are they gonna enforce it? What, are they gonna come here? I think we know that's never gonna happen.
BRIAN: Hey, Stewie, I'm sorry Bart didn't want to be your friend.
STEWIE: What? No! What are you talking about? He was lame. If you ask me, he kind of sounded like a girl.
BRIAN: Really? Kind of seemed like you idolized him. And I can understand losing a friend and feeling rejected.
STEWIE: Course you can, you're a loser. But not me, I'm a lone wolf. Speaking of which, I'm gonna go howl at the moon. Don't need nobody.
(He goes upstairs to his room. As he goes in his room, he writes on a chalkboard, "I will not think about Bart anymore." Our point of view pans out of the room and outside, getting the view of the Griffin house.)
(The episode ends with the Gracie Films logo.)
GRACIE: Shh.
PETER: And now the show is over now.
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