Transplanticipation/Transcript

This is the transcript for Transplanticipation, which aired on May 6, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Previously on B Positive - Dinner wednesday? - Uh nope.
I've got a renal function panel on Thursday morning.
I have to fast the night before.
How about breakfast after my panel? I'm meeting my nutritionist, making adjustments to my diet.
Okay.
Now we're looking at the week after that.
Which is when I start my next round of chemo.
Cancer what a dick.
Renal failure is a real nut crunch, too.
Stop that.
Sorry, happens when I'm nervous.
Nervous about your test results But everything's gonna be okay 'Cause no one's gonna die today Die today! Stop that.
Sorry, happens when I'm annoying.
Why'd the doctor ask us to come in anyway? I feel like I've been sent to the principal's office.
If this was the principal's office, I'd be alone, and you'd be the one who told them there was vodka in my Capri Sun.
We were headed to wood shop.
How about, "Thanks for saving my fingers, Drew"? We've never been called in after a blood test.
Well, maybe your lab results are bad.
- Maybe your lab results are bad.
- Me? I've been great.
No smoking, no drinking.
Oh, please.
You never work out.
You get winded taking the milk out from the fridge.
You cramp up tying your shoes.
I saw you take a deep breath when we passed those kids who were vaping.
I saw you put rocky road ice cream into your protein shake.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Gina's a secondhand vaper! Drew ate rocky road! Okay So, I wanted you both here because I've got good news.
I knew it.
I could sense good things were happening today.
Your blood work came back, and everything looks great.
You're ready for your transplant.
- Really? - My office reached out to your surgical team, and as soon as they get an opening in the schedule, you'll be getting her kidney.
Oh, my God.
You're serious? There's no "but" or "however" or "psych" coming? As doctors, we frown on "psych.
" Ah, I can't believe it.
I'm getting my life back.
I'm gonna see my daughter grow up.
I'm gonna pee! - All by myself.
- Like a big boy.
The biggest boy! And I'm getting my life back, too.
I can go on roller coasters again.
You could always go on roller coasters.
I don't think so.
It would have sloshed it all up.
That's not how kidneys work.
Well, the Internet agrees to disagree.
Oh, sure, the Internet.
I went to med school at Johns Hopkins, but let's see what the gang on Reddit says.
I can send you a link if you want.
Congratulations.
Just pick up the paperwork from the front desk on your way out.
Great.
So - it's really happening.
- It's really happening.
Congrats.
It's all because of you.
Thank you.
I kinda need the room for my next appointment.
Drew's being sappy! She was eyeing your prescription pad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Eli.
- Hi.
Hi.
Megyn.
From the afternoon group.
I usually sit over there.
But I'm loving the lighting in this chair.
Morning dialysis: how the other half lives.
No, no.
Morning dialysis: where people stop being polite and start getting real.
Do you like that better? It doesn't matter, it is.
You're a lot.
Thank you.
Megyn will be taking Samantha's chair while she's out of town.
- Oh, okay.
- I was just telling her - about everybody.
- Are you the nebbishy therapist or the football player who won the Super Bowl? When the next guy walks in, you'll know.
I should probably get this out of the way I don't date fellow dialysis patients.
Good to know.
I'm busy with my podcast anyways.
It's lifestyle, wellness, beauty.
It's like Goop, but with more vagina talk.
You had me at Goop, lost me at vagina.
You lost me at Goop, and got me back at vagina.
Hi-dily-doodily, y'all.
Congrats on the Super Bowl.
Gina, what are you doing here? Drew and I have big news.
You're getting married? And good for you, buddy.
She is way out of your league.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, she is.
Okay.
I'm sorry, who are you? Megyn Wen.
New to the morning group.
Wait, Megyn Wen? Oh, my God.
Babe, this is the podcast I've been telling you about! Your episode on oats changed my relationship with ancient grains.
Not to mention my vagina.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
I'm confused, is vagina the big news? Oh, no, Jerry, you sweet, simple man.
We have a date for our transplant! - Oh, congratulations! - Yeah, that's right.
No more dialysis.
In two months, they can nuke this hellhole for all I care.
- What? - Hmm? Assuming you've all gotten out safely, of course.
Nice save.
No one noticed.
Hey, there she is, my back-door girl.
Nope, sorry, bad.
You really got to start thinking ahead, like, three or four words.
So, dinner's almost ready.
It is my specialty, chicken parm.
My daughter describes it as, "Ew, this again?" And I've got some news.
- So do I.
- Oh, okay.
Well, you first.
Me? Okay, well I got a date for my transplant.
Sorry, just couldn't wait.
- That's great.
I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh Okay, so, what's your news? - My news, yeah.
I - It's in two months.
Sorry.
Very excited.
Go on.
Okay, so I just found out Road trip! Yeah, you and I are gonna travel anywhere we My cancer spread.
What? I got test results back today.
It's not good.
Oh.
Like how not good? The chemo isn't working.
It spread to my liver and a couple other places.
Oh, my God.
Okay, um what's the next step? I don't know.
I'm not even sure there is one.
Hey, that's crazy.
Of course there is.
Yeah? Come sit.
Sit, sit, sit.
Man, here I am talking about my new kidney and you have this terrible news.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
You're allowed to be happy.
Just not that happy.
Just so you know, I'm with you every step of the way.
Thank you.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.
The doctor couldn't even tell me how much time I have left.
Oh, don't talk like that.
You have a lot of time ahead of you.
That was unfortunate.
Um, hey, can I ask you something? Um, Drew's expecting me to move out after the transplant.
So, is it cool if I move back in with you? Oh, my God, yes! Ooh, we can party how we used to.
I know, I'm so excited.
I can't remember the last time I blacked out Which, now that I say it duh! Hey, the whole gang is coming over friday night; you should come.
Oh, that's perfect.
I can bring my friend Gideon.
He's the nurse, right? Tell him to bring one of those giant needles in case someone's heart stops.
Yeah, I've been waiting to talk to Dr.
Stigletz.
Eh, no.
No, no.
Do not put me on hold again.
I need - And I'm on hold.
- What's going on? I'm trying to get Adriana into this cancer trial in Switzerland.
Oh, good, you're back.
Hey, whatever you do, do not put me on hold again, okay? Eh Oh, you don't like my tone? Well, I don't like your neutrality during wartime.
Hmm? And she hung up on me.
That yodelay-hee-ho.
Morning.
- Hey, girl.
- Hey.
What are you doing? I am still trying to get you into that clinic in Switzerland.
The one in Basel? Never gonna happen.
Not if we don't try.
Sometimes you just have to be creative.
I didn't think I'd get into Coachella, but you hop a couple fences and boom You're onstage walking through Tupac's hologram.
I appreciate all this, but I think I'm done.
What do you mean "done"? Done with all of it the chemo, the radiation, all the poking and prodding.
I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left.
You've got to fight.
No, I don't.
It's my life.
That's ridiculous.
Gina, help me out here.
Yeah, I'm not gonna jump into the pile.
Also something I learned at Coachella.
You can't give up.
Drew, you don't know how many times I've gotten my hopes up.
This trial is supposed to be really promising.
Doesn't matter.
I don't want to spend my last days tied down to a machine that makes me feel even sicker.
Look, trust me, I get it.
For the past nine months, I've been strapped to a machine, too.
Knowing that you had a donor and a transplant in your future.
I have cancer spreading all over my freakin' body.
Okay, fine, we are not in the same place, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a positive attitude.
- I mean, studies have shown that - Oh, my God, stop! I had a positive attitude, and guess what.
My cancer didn't care.
So stop telling me how to feel.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I have something to tell you, after which you're gonna love me even more than you already do.
Don't overestimate how much I love you.
I think I got Adriana into the clinical trial in Switzerland.
What? Really? Wait, you mean, like, enrolled, or you found a tunnel? For real.
Remember my friend Dr.
Pete? - Cannoli's owner? - I told him about Adriana's situation, and it turns out his med school roommate had a professor who went through a really nasty divorce and hid a bunch of money in Switzerland, and one day he went to take it out, and guess who was standing there in the bank.
His ex-wife, the duchess of Fribourg.
Are we anywhere near a point? It turns out that the duchess is a patron of the hospital, and Dr.
Pete asked her to pull some strings.
So they're expecting Adriana's call.
Really, I mean, that's incredible.
I know, right? How do we thank Dr.
Pete? Actually, we already have.
Come here.
- Aw.
- Cannoli.
Aw, how are you, boy? Yeah, we missed you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for letting me tag along.
Oh, my friends are the best.
You're gonna love them.
Hey, you made it.
Yo, Gina.
Just in time for the vodka Slip 'N Slide.
Or we could go somewhere else.
They'll never remember.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Got a minute? The doctors tell me yes.
Ah.
Gallows humor.
Never gets old.
The doctors tell me neither will I.
Okay, that's enough.
So, I'm sorry for this morning.
It's your life, and every decision belongs to you.
Thanks.
I appreciate you trying to get me into that trial.
Well, about that, I have an update, and you can deal with it however you want.
But Gina pulled off a miracle and got you into that trial.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I can't believe it, either.
This is a woman who can't get herself through a revolving door.
They're just waiting on your medical records.
I don't know what to say.
I'm feeling a little bit hopeful, and I don't like it.
I understand.
But this is a good thing, I promise.
And you don't have to go alone.
I could go with you.
What about your kidney? Well, my transplant's not for two months.
I can do dialysis in Switzerland.
Sipping on hot cocoa while they filter my blood.
Can't beat that.
"More cocoa, Mr.
Dunbar? "Yeah? Hey, cool mustache, by the way.
Thinking of growing one myself.
" And your daughter? And your patients? Well, you know, I won't be gone that long.
I can see my patients online.
If anyone starts yammering on about their parents, I can just turn it off and blame Zoom.
Are you sure you want to do this? 100%.
I was 90% until I thought of the whole hot cocoa thing.
Okay.
Looks like we're going to Switzerland.
Yeah.
You and me, we keep fighting.
- We keep fighting.
- Just not each other.
One miracle at a time, Drew.
So, you and the guy in the panties, huh? In my defense, the sex was incredible.
Mm.
I get it.
Gideon has a now-and-then guy, too.
Dumb as a post, but, oh, what a post.
- Something to drink? - Uh, just a Coke, please.
I'll have the same, but make half of it rum.
I need to see your I.
D.
Oh, Alexa, you are on your way to a 30% tip.
Thanks.
Oh, and happy birthday.
Wait.
It's your birthday? Yeah.
35 today.
Why didn't you say something? - I didn't really feel like celebrating.
- Why not? Your mother squeezed you through her birth canal.
You owe it to her to get sloppy.
I always told myself if I didn't make it as an actor by 35, I'd quit.
That's crazy.
Hasn't it been your dream since you were a kid? Ever since high school.
I was the lead in Bye Bye Birdie.
I got a standing ovation and I knew.
Well, see? You can't quit.
The truth is, I'm not sure I love acting the way I used to.
I feel like I'm growing out of it.
I totally get that.
A year ago, that party tonight would have been the perfect Saturday night, but now I don't know.
Giving Drew a kidney feels like I'm doing something special, and I-I want more of that feeling, but I only have so many organs.
- So, you like helping people? - Yeah.
And I mean really help them, not just flip them on their stomachs so they don't choke on their vomit.
Although that is a valuable service.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Well, here's to growing up and moving on.
And to looking for new starts.
Mmm.
I just wish I knew what was next.
Ugh, me, too.
Gideon? I have something to tell you.
Gray skies are gonna clear up.
Put on a happy face Brush off the clouds and cheer up Put on a happy face Spread sunshine All over the place And put on a happy face Take me home, daddy.
Put on a happy Face Ladies and gentlemen, Gideon.
Oh, please.
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
LSD was created in a lab in Switzerland.
I wonder if that's how they came up with yodeling.
I just asked you what the temperature is there.
That's gonna depend on if you're doing LSD.
It's Dr.
Baskin.
Hello? Yes, hi.
- Wow, really? - What? What is it? The surgeon had a cancellation.
They want to move the transplant to this Tuesday.
Okay, well, I'll make sure that Tuesday works for us and then call you back.
Great.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Yeah.
I can't believe it.
This time next week you'll have my kidney.
But I won't be able to go to Switzerland with Adriana.
Oh, she'll understand.
Plus, you can send her things from America they don't have there, like a clock where stuff doesn't jump out of it.
I really want to be there for her.
Well, then we can stick with the original date.
I can wait.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
I shall donate the gift of time as well as the gift of kidney.
Okay.
That's Adriana.
Do not tell her anything - about delaying the surgery.
- Why? 'Cause she'll try to talk me out of it.
She's selfless like that.
It's very annoying.
Well, you have to tell her.
In serious relationships, you're not allowed to lie about surgeries, STDs or appearances on Cops.
- Hey.
- Guten Tag, bonjour, ciao.
In Switzerland, they speak German, French, and Italian.
Those people really can't pick a side.
Hey, girl.
What are you guys up to tonight? You gonna watch a movie? My favorite is Do the Right Thing.
Or - Secrets & Lies.
- Goodbye, Gina.
What was that about? Well, I just found out that I can do the transplant surgery on Tuesday.
- Oh, wow.
Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
But I'm gonna keep with the original date so I can go to Switzerland with you.
No, you can't do that.
So much could go wrong before then.
Something could happen to you or Gina.
There could be a zombie apocalypse.
You want to be running from zombies with a bum kidney? Trust me, zombies are not gonna want to eat my brains.
All they'd get is a nervous laugh and low self-esteem.
So get the surgery now, then come visit.
Well, that's the thing.
After the surgery, I won't be able to travel outside the country for six to 12 months.
Oh.
Is Gina okay delaying it? Yep! Not that she's eavesdropping.
Going to my room now.
Look, I really want to do this, okay? Let's worry about getting you healthy and then we'll worry about me.
Aw, you're so selfless.
It's really annoying.
So, I should look for flights? Look for flights.
That's so cute.
I'm going to my room now.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1 Transcripts