All the World's a Stage

"All the World's a Stage" is the twentieth and final episode of SBFW: Finding Bigfoot, and the tenth episode of the second season. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, the episode was first aired as a series finale on 17th April 2022.
===Synopsis===
The events of the final episode play out as a musical, as Mr. Renaud attempts to murder Conner Malarky.
===Song List===
*"Aspirations", sung by Conner Malarky and Ms. Malarky
*"Oh Conner Malarky", sung by Mr. Renaud and Jew Wario
*"I'm God", sung by Conner Malarky, Mr. Renaud, Jew Wario and backing vocalists
*"Hate the Government, Love the Fucking Dole", sung by Bigfoot
*"The Bloons Suite", sung by Joe, Mr. Renaud, Bigfoot, Conner Malarky and a church choir
===Transcript===
[The episode starts at a theatre, in which the audience has just sat down, preparing to watch the theatrical masterpiece unfold in front of their eyes. A man in a suit and tie - with sharp fangs - walks on stage with a gentle press of his glasses against his pale, white nose. He adjusts the microphone.]
Host: Good morning, everyone. I hope you’re ready for an unforgettable night of theatre.
[The audience cheers.]
Host: Now this play was written about a man whose member rivaled steel pillars. A man whose cock straddled parallel universes. The one and only Conner Malarky.
[The audience cheers once again.]
Host: Now, without further adieu, I present to you: All the World’s a Stage: the Finding Bigfoot Musical!
[The audience cheers and applauds as the host hops off stage, letting the curtains open swiftly to reveal a Great Depression-era backdrop of a rural area in the United States. A small boy, separated from his mother, looking out of the window of their weather-damaged home smoking a cigarette, stands in the middle of the stage, wearing beige overalls and a small beret. He starts singing over a gentle piano instrumental.]
Boy: Oh, how I wish I could be with the stars
I could hang with Charlie Chaplin and ride scary German cars
But I suppose that it’s not meant to be for a poor boy like me
Mother: [with a rasp] Conner, get your ass in here, and cook Momma some tea!
Conner: Oh, mother, whilst I must oblige
I wish I were in paradise
A talent like I deserves so much more
Than making drinks for this old whore
Mother: [spoken] I can still hear you when you sing, jackass.
[The mother walks out of the door and starts singing, as the instrumental rises in intensity with the inclusion of drums.]
Mother: We live on a blighted star, Conner, so have a reality check
You won’t be in Hollywood eating thousand dollar cheques
That’s not how the world works, so suck it up before I spank
You have it better than your neighbours, you coulda been named Frank!
Now, Conner, I know it must be hard 
To know you’ll never pass a certain bar
But life is full of struggle - on my teats you used to suckle
And by gosh, you left a hell of a scar!
[The mother starts to undo her top before Conner protests.]
Conner: [spoken] Don’t show me that!
Mother: [singing] It’s better to admit
That if your parents earn jack shit
Then you ain’t getting anywhere in life
Except pain, torment and strife
By 15, I’ll buy you a wife
And hopefully she’s not your sister…
Conner: But Mother…
Mother: But nothing!
If I had a dick, you’d suck it!
The dog just shit, you gotta shovel it!
I’m a single mother, in three months, you’ll have a brother
So I’m not investing my time in pipe dreams!
Conner: But please…
What if I go to local libraries and read?
Mother: Conner, you don’t know how to read!
Conner: I’ll get a teach! 
And I will learn philosophy
And I’ll read Dickens, I’ll read Marx, I’ll read Shakespeare too
And I’ll come to the conclusion that they’re all cuckoo
So I’ll start reading the Bible and I’ll read the Quran 
And then I’ll make a new religion, you’ll be the God’s Mom
Mother: [spoken] Conner, I don’t have time for this.
[The music abruptly stops as Conner’s mother hands him a towel.]
Mother: Now dust off the mantelpiece, will ya? God, can’t a pregnant woman ask for a favour these days without being sung show tunes?
[We cut - conveniently - to the audience applauding before we cut back to the stage, which has inexplicably changed setting within a couple seconds. The setting is now Israel in modern day, wherein an actor playing Jew Wario is reading a newspaper in a hospital, sitting besides an actor playing Mr. Renaud. Swaggering rock music starts to play in the background, muffling out Jew Wario’s speech.]
Jew Wario: You hear about this war in Ukraine?
[Mr. Renaud interrupts Jew Wario with a slow, banging rock song about Conner Malarky.]
Mr. Renaud: Now stop right there, my dear Semitic friend
Honest Jew Wario, you really drive me ‘round the bend
To think I care about the conflict in far-off lands
When I’m reading holy scriptures ‘bout the perfect man!
[Mr. Renaud throws the book he’s reading away and starts dancing.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, Conner Malarky! He’s a prophet for the ages
I’ve read half of his book, still got like seven thousand pages
Oh, Conner Malarky! I could read his thoughts for hours
If you cloned him, their two cocks would be like the Twin Towers
When I discovered him, I knew I was in for a treat
And my heart was warmed, he came from poverty
That made me realise that a poor soul like I
Could become a missionary!
Jew Wario: But m’piece of shit, you’re privileged!
You’re the Mayor of bloons
What has Conner Malarky done that you couldn’t do?
Mr. Renaud: He taught me how to believe in myself!
I gotta leave the non-believers on an empty bookshelf
I’m sorry, Jew Wario, but you bring me down often
You’re stopping me from spreading the Malarky doctrine
Oh, Conner Malarky! I feel like you as a boy
When you sneaked into the library and read Leo Tolstoy
Oh, Conner Malarky! You inspire me so
You were on the streets preaching, nothin’ covering your toes
And I’m so glad your words got to me
You saved me from going under!
Jew Wario: [spoken] With all due respect, sir, you’ve still got a lot of pages left.
Mr. Renaud: [singing] Jew Wario, don’t ruin my thunder!
Oh, Conner Malarky…! He’s one sexy motherfucker!
[The song comes to a bombastic conclusion as once again, the audience applauds just in time for an inexplicable set change, this time to Conner Malarky in prison handwriting his thoughts on paper.]
Conner Malarky: I can’t believe they locked me up for just having an opinion that all women should walk around nude in public! This may be 1934, but it sure feels like fifty years later. Ain’t that right, Smarmy Johnathan? 
[Silence.]
Conner Malarky: Smarmy Johnathan?
[Conner Malarky turns around and realises that Smarmy Johnathan’s corpse, replicated on stage by a scarecrow, sits in the corner.]
Conner Malarky: No! What happened? The only person deprived of enough food and shelter to agree with my beliefs is with God now… hey, if he’s with God, and he likes my beliefs. Maybe… maybe I’m God.
[Conner grins before the scene cuts to an R&B music video, with a Soul Train backdrop and text appearing on screen that reads “Conner Malarky: I’m God”. Conner Malarky, dressed in a snazzy suit, starts singing in front of backing vocalists that are wearing identical clothing.]
Conner Malarky: Oh, I never knew… (Never knew!)
That the sky truly had no limits! (The sky!)
I’m the father (The father!) - and the son (Son!)
And the holy spirit! (All at the same time!)
Now, Mother, I know it must be hard
To know your son took great lengths to get this far
But God gave me a dick this long
So you know that Conner Malarky had to go hard! (Ooooh)
I’ll publish my writings (Writings!)
And get so much cash! (Cha-ching!)
And idiots from all across the world
Will start kissing my ass!
[Cut back to Mr. Renaud in the present day singing to the same instrumental.]
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky, you’re my pride and joy
I want an action figure of you, so you can be my toy
Ooh, I will always be loyal to you, never fall into a non-believer’s trap!
Jew Wario: [singing as he reads from Conner Malarky’s bible] Hey, it says right here that he wasn’t big on MAPs!
[The music turns into a dramatic orchestral cue and rapidly intensifies.]
Mr. Renaud: THIS CAN’T BE TRUE! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!
Conner, I had so much love for you!
How could you betray me and say you disapprove of pedophiles
When in page 267, you endorse the necrophiles?
This motherfucker is a traitor, so I must go murder him!
Jew Wario: But m’lord, just five minutes earlier, you worshiped him!
Mr. Renaud: [rapidly singing] I will go to war with any silly little whore
Who thinks that it is not alright to touch kids and it is a crime
Because I’m an innocent man who just happens to only bang
Those 17 years and below, boy, they really put on a show-ow-ow…
[spoken] Now I’m gonna kill that bastard. Bye-bye, Jew Wario. If I never see you again, remember this: I always secretly preferred you to Sex Edward.
Jew Wario: [visibly touched] Aw. Thanks, Mr. Renaud. That means a lot.
[As Mr. Renaud leaves and shuts the door, Jew Wario speaks to the audience.]
Jew Wario: I really did NOT expect my scheme to grow this far in scale. I just wanted to be higher up in command than that putz Sex Edward… not for Mr. Renaud to become some Malarkian missionary who travels to Jerusalem and ends up killing Jesus or whatever the fuck.
[The audience laughs.]
Jew Wario: Well, I guess we’re never gonna get back to bloons. Things won’t go back to normal as I’d hoped they would. It all went way over my head once Bigfoot invaded. 
[Just as he says that, gargantuan, echoing footsteps are heard in the distance, before Bigfoot appears on stage, with large handcuffs on his wrists that Jew Wario helps to remove.]
Bigfoot: [singing a jingle] Good news, Jew Wario, they gave me parole!
And I still hate the government and love the fucking dole!
[The curtains close for intermission, and the host shows up on stage.]
Host: I hope you are all enjoying the play so far. It is a truly masterful work. Now, we shall have a fifteen minute intermission, wherein you are free to use the restrooms, grab some beverages or even a light snack. You are, however, NOT free to leave. No one is ever free to leave. 
[The audience laugh, but a caption appears on screen that reads “That was not a joke”. The screen fades to black briefly, as if there were a commercial break, before returning to show some of the audience members drinking wine and conversing about the play.]
Man: I sure do relate to that Jew Wario. You tell one white lie and it all goes out of hand.
Second Man: I sure do relate to that Mr. Renaud.
[The first male audience member side-eyes his friend, and the play commences once again with a scene of an actor portraying Mr. Gus in his rented, scuffed Brazilian apartment. Slow, piano-based music plays as Gus sings a ballad about his loneliness.]
Mr. Gus: Oh, I’m not used to this, living cheque to cheque in Rio
Boy, do I miss the days? Me and Paul would feel so free, oh
In bloons, he makes the laws so I never get caught
When I march on down to junior schools and make ‘em distraught
But here, no-one accepts me for who I am
Nobody in Brazil wants to fund a MAP
So I work in an office, I’m yelled at by bosses
And IIII just want to escape!
Oh, back in bloons, I felt respected
Never thought daddy Bigfoot would be so affected
Before that dreadful day, he’d never inspected
And so the record shows, me and Renaud always protected!
[The music picks up as Mr. Gus starts dancing with a cane and top hat in his apartment.]
Mr. Gus: Ladies and gentlemen, my loneliness has been detected
Don’t wanna see myself in the mirror, don’t want to be reflected
Now my life is in ruins like a frog I dissected
And I think it’s all because of those kids that I–
[Mr. Gus mouths words but the actor’s microphone seems to have stopped picking up, leading to some groans from the audience. We cut - conveniently - to the audience, many of whom are shaking their heads, before it cuts inexplicably to Joe, getting her makeup ready in her bathroom as an uptempo pop rock number plays.]
Joe: I am gonna go to bloons and see Adam, and we are gonna have so - much - fun!
I’m gonna see the sights, talk to the mayor and maybe get some shots in - my - bum!
‘Cause the laws regarding anything are lenient in bloons
And I will confess to illegal plans if it’s in catchy tunes
So I’m goooing to bloons!
[Joe starts to get prepared to go outside, grabbing her keys and shoving them - and her phone - into her pocket.]
Joe: Sometimes I’m scared of new places and new faces ‘cause I don’t know how - they’ll - think!
Especially regarding a barely-passing Disney Princess with a big - ass - dick!
If I go to nightclubs, will men come to me and ask
Questions they can Google or will they just grope my ass?
[hesitantly] Guess I’m goooing to bloons!
[The rock instrumental is stripped to just drum and bass as Joe leaves her home and enters her car, revving up the engine in parallel to Mr. Renaud, who appears as a split-screen also revving up his car in what is assumed to be days after Joe.]
Mr. Renaud: I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (What?!)
I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (Oh!)
I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (Yeah!)
And not one of you motherfuckers can even stop me
I can’t believe this man I preached would betray me like this
It’s fantasy and I can’t see why he would take the piss
I’ll be smoking on Malarky pack, roll his corpse in a spliff
If guns don’t work, I’ll take my knife and stab his massive dick, oi!
[The guitars come crashing in for an epic solo as we see clips of both Joe and Mr. Renaud speeding down the highway. In both characters’ clips, we see Bigfoot appearing in the distance, confusing the two - and they harmonise in fear.]
Joe & Mr. Renaud: What’s that furry thing I see heading its way in front of me?
Is this God’s punishment for–
Joe: When I killed Ray?
Mr. Renaud: All the noncery?
[Bigfoot picks up Joe’s Honda Civic and tosses it away into a nearby skyscraper. A nearby church choir sings mournfully in acapella.]
Church Choir: May Joe rest in peace - even though her sheer existence was blasphemy!
[The heavy rock instrumental returns at a slower, grungier pace as now only Mr. Renaud faces the threat of Bigfoot.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, no, please! Don’t hurt me! All I did was fuck your son - and a couple others!
Bigfoot: You will see - no mercy! For you tainted the good name of Michael Breakfast Gusford!
Mr. Renaud: You can’t kill me, I’m the Mayor!
Bigfoot: In Brazil, you mean jack shit, you worthless traitor!
When they see you on obituaries, they’ll be like “LOL”!
I HATE THE GOVERNMENT, AND LOVE THE FUCKING DOLE!
[The rock instrumental gains more pace as a graceful piano comes in for Renaud to make his defense, though by this time he’s already nearing Bigfoot’s mouth in his white Renault van.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, Bigfoot, could you save me, please?
I am on my way to kill that c[bleep] Conner Malarky!
Bigfoot: Well, what did he do? Conversion therapy?
Mr. Renaud: Oh, boy, can I tell you about how he betrayed meee?
[Suddenly, a man with angel wings appears in the sky above the chaotic traffic in Rio, which Bigfoot is standing in the middle of. He reveals himself - via a massive censor bar below his waist - as Conner Malarky in the flesh.]
Conner Malarky: First, let me get my side of the storyyyyy!
[The instrumental slows down to a gentle piano ballad with acoustic guitars and strings as Conner Malarky mellowly explains.]
Conner Malarky: Now you I have studied, for quite a long time
A fascinating man, within bloons, the power is thine
But you felt insecure about the status quo 
Being shifted even though fate is always divine.
You let Jew Wario manipulate ya
He was full of deceit, even he couldn’t hate ya
For a pedophile, your personality is cool
But a troubled man is almost always a fool.
You felt the need to convert to my religion
Even though most sex offenders are practicing Christians
Because you thought that I would excuse your behaviour
Conner Malarky ain’t no motherfucking pedophile saviour.
What you’re doing is wrong, and how dare you try to kill me!
You prayed to me at night hoping Conner would fulfil ye
But nothing is riiiight about you, bro
And I’d give Bigfoot permission to throw.
[Bigfoot starts to aim at a building, but Conner Malarky stops him in his tracks as a full orchestra backs his belting.]
Conner Malarky: But noooo, oh! Violence I don’t condone!
Even though I know you were sent here by Jew Wario!
I know that Mr. Gus has got you feeling low
But you’ve got to talk with your son, that’s what fathers do, don’t you know?
As for Jew Wario, well, it was off with his head
And when you stomped on that comedy club, I’m afraid you killed Sex Ed
And you killed Joe with a similar throw
I know all and all I knooooooow!
Oh, Bigfoot, I knew we’d find you soon!
I got the hint when Adam said, “Fuck it, I’m moving to bloons”
People are great, these events really tested my love for you!
I haven’t seen anything this immoral since SBFW!
[spoken] And trust me, those guys were weird.
[singing] So don’t kill Renaud, solve it with words
And if words don’t wooooooork…
[spoken] Then fuck, that’s kind of out of my wheelhouse, I’m not gonna lie. Solve it for your yourselves. Alright, thanks, orchestra! I’ll pay you tomorrow!
[He mouths “No, I won’t” to Bigfoot and vanishes alongside his orchestra. Bigfoot stands in the traffic as the music that had drowned out the cacophony of car alarms, screaming and police gunfire fades. Amidst the chaos, one bullet hits Bigfoot in the back and he starts to stammer. As he falls to the ground, the curtains close and a rapturous applause from the audience follows. The host returns to the stage.]
Host: Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[Bunches of flowers are being thrown at him.]
Host: I really am so glad you enjoyed the production tonight. Sadly, the cast members are quite literally all dead so they cannot bow for you tonight but please applaud them regardless!
[The audience follow his instructions, and start to leave, with the general hubbub slightly drowning out his speech.]
Host: Now before you leave, I’d just like to ask you if you could leave your glasses on the tables. Our servants – I mean, employees will pick them up later. Have a wonderful evening, everyone! I’ve been Adam Walker. Goodnight!
[The screen fades to black. The credits roll, and once they are finished, the voice of Ray William Johnson is heard.]
Ray William Johnson: What's happenin', forum? Look on the tragic loading of this bed: this is thy work: the object poisons sight; let it be hid. Adam, keep the house, and seize upon the fortunes of Renaud, for they succeed on you. To you, lord governor, remains the censure of this hellish villain; the time, the place, the torture: O, enforce it! Myself will straight aboard: and to the state this heavy act with heavy heart relate.
[The series ends.]
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