The Story of Helen

The Story of Helen is the third episode of Season One of Call the Cops.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with a shot of SpongeBob's hand spinning a makeshift Twister spinner. Helen is sitting alone in a corner while the other four play.]
SpongeBob: Right foot on green, got it.
[He puts his right foot on a green circle, crushing Plankton]
Plankton: I wasn't made for this…
Mr. Krabs: Heh heh, wimp.
Patrick: My cramps are giving me cramps!
SpongeBob: Hey Helen, wanna play with us? We're having lots of fun!
[Helen gives him the evil stare]
Mr. Krabs: Yeesh, what's gotten into her?
Plankton: (getting up from underneath SpongeBob's arm) Yeah, she's even more antisocial than usual.
SpongeBob: Maybe there's something wrong with her?
Mr. Krabs: I don't know if you wanna mess with her, boy. She seems rather dangerous right now.
SpongeBob: Pffft, relax Mr. K, she's just a harmless little child going through a bit of an edgy phase.
[Helen then starts foaming from the mouth.]
Spongebob: Yeesh. Nevermind. Point taken. I think it would be best if we left her alone for now.
Plankton: I'm not scared of many things-
Mr. Krabs: You're scared of whales.
Plankton: Yeah but-
SpongeBob: And you're scared of people crushing you.
Plankton: Yeah that too, but the point is even I'm scared of her sometimes.
Mr. Krabs: Who isn't?
Patrick: I'm not! I'm gonna show that girl who's boss!
Plankton: (smirks) This'll be fun. Someone start the popcorn!
[Patrick puts his fat up to his upper chest and walks off-screen. We hear him getting beat up off screen, along with an explosion.]
Patrick: (off-screen) Uh guys? Can someone… call the pandemic please?
Plankton: You mean the paramedic?
Patrick: (off-screen) Uh sure, that too.
Mr. Krabs: What could have happened to a little kid to make her end up like that?
SpongeBob: Whatever it was, it must not have been very good.
Patrick: (off-screen) I need a pandemonium over here!
Plankton: It's a paraMEDIC, you doofus!
Patrick: (walking on-screen, visibly beat up) What?! I can't hear you, my ears are swollen shut!
Plankton: You don't even have any ears.
Patrick: Oh yeah.
Plankton: Anyone else wanna try poking a stick at the grizzly bear?
SpongeBob: I'm sure that with a little more kindness, I can get through to her.
[Cut back to the same scene, where SpongeBob has both of his legs hanging by a thread]
SpongeBob: She got through ME.
[His legs fall off, and then he grows another pair.]
Plankton: I have to say, she's a tough one.
Mr. Krabs: Alright, here's an idea. Why don't we just leave her alone until she stops… doing whatever she's doing.
Plankton: But that's no fun! I wanna see people get hurt!
Mr. Krabs: You're twisted.
Plankton: What? We're in prison, I have nothing better to do.
Mr. Krabs: I don't need reminding, Sheldon.
Plankton: Hey, I told you to stop bringing that name up!
SpongeBob: We could always play Fishopoly!
Mr. Krabs: We tried that yesterday, Plankton flipped the board over, remember?
SpongeBob: What about Apologies?
Mr. Krabs: We tried that the day before. He flipped the board over again.
Patrick: He always flips the board over.
Plankton: Because you all keep cheating!
Mr. Krabs: It's not my fault you're bad at the game!
Plankton: I am not bad! You're just jealous of my skills!
Mr. Krabs: Then why haven't you won any game we've played so far?
Plankton: Because you're all dumb stupid cheaters!
[Helen smirks.]
Helen: I love listening to y'all argue. It fills me with… "joy".
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: Okaaaaaay then.
Plankton: So you're a sadist? Me too, kid.
Helen: …
Plankton: What? You're just gonna stop talking then?
Helen: …
Plankton: Alright.
SpongeBob: Weird kid.
Plankton: The irony.
Patrick: I wonder why she's so mean.
SpongeBob: Yeah. A flashback would be really good right now.
[The screen goes wavy and we transition into Helen at Glove World holding a balloon, smiling. A teenager runs past and pops the balloon with a pin, causing her to cry. Cut back to the prison cell.]
Mr. Krabs: ...that's it?
Plankton: Come on, I was expecting something more traumatic!
SpongeBob: I suppose that was a bit anticlimactic.
Helen: Shit, wrong flashback!
[The screen goes wavy again and we transition into a hospital. A doctor carries a screaming baby Helen back to her mother.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Here we, a nice happy and healthy baby g-
[The doctor notices the hospital bed is empty, the door to exit the room swings back and forth.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Huh. I've never seen that one before. Guess you have no parents, kid.
[A nurse enters.]
Nurse: What's the matter?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Apparently this little cherub's parents just ran off and left.
Nurse: Shouldn't we do something?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Nah, my legs are too tired.
Nurse: Aw, isn't she a cutie? Coochie coochie-
[Helen bites the nurse's finger.]
Nurse: Ow! She's a handful, isn't she? Let's keep her.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Eh sure why not. 
Nurse: Does she have a name?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: I don't think so.
Nurse: What about Prim?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Nah, that's stupid.
Nurse: Well what about Helen?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: I mean that kinda sounds like felon.
[Pause.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Eh, okay. I'm sure we're not setting her up for any trouble in the future.
[Flashback over.]
SpongeBob: I feel like I've heard that story before.
Plankton: Probably just a coincidence.
Helen: It's quite a common occurrence actually, okay?!
Mr. Krabs: So she doesn't have any parents? No wonder she seems to be on the loose.
Patrick: I still don't understand anything.
Plankton: Yeah, that doesn't explain why she's one of Bikini Bottom's most wanted criminals!!!!!! I envy you, kid. I can't even steal a lousy sandwich recipe. What's the biggest crime you have accomplished?
Helen: Selling cookies without a license.
Plankton: Wow that is terrible. I like her.
Helen: You can talk to my face, you know.
Patrick: I can't even look at your face without making my pants soggy after what you did to me.
Plankton: So is that really the end of the story? 
Helen: Why should you care?
Plankton: I don't, I'm just bored to death.
Patrick: So am I, but at least I'm not complaining.
Plankton: Are you insulting me?
SpongeBob: (nervous laugh) Heh, I don't think Patrick meant anything by it. Eh, Pat?
Patrick: No, no, not at all! I could be sitting on my couch binging Mermaid Man reruns right now!!! At least the food in prison is good.
Plankton: You think you have it bad? I have a computer wife at home who probably doesn't know what to do without me!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I thought last episode was about us arguing.
SpongeBob: I mean and then the whole urchin thing happened.
Plankton: Okay, I get the message, I'll shut up. But only if she opens up.
Helen: I don't think so, buddy boy.
Plankton: Come on!
Helen: I don't take orders from anyone.
SpongeBob: (he sniffs and a tear falls from his eye) I used to take lots of orders… from Squidward… at the Krusty Krab! (starts crying)
Helen: Okay, okay! I'll give you your stupid little "bedtime story" if you just stop filling the cell up with your vile bodily fluids!
SpongeBob: (gasp) You will?
Helen: Well, I guess I have no other option.
SpongeBob: Hooray!!!
[We see another flashback. Dr. Gill Gilliam is showing a slightly younger Helen around the hospital.]
Helen: Ugwh, this pwace smells.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: (chuckles) That's the smell of saving lives. Maybe one day you could be a doctor too and help save even more lives.
Helen: But I don't wanna be a doctwa! That sounds stupid.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: (gasp) My, my! Where did you learn that word from?
Helen: Um… the nurse?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Why, I gotta have a word with her!
Helen: Can I go pway in the childwen's word pwease?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: (sigh) Very well.
Helen: Tank too!
[Helen happily runs off.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: One day she'll get it.
Nurse: You said that the first time she opened her mouth. Her first word was "shut up", remember?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: I'm just scared one day she won't wanna follow in her adoptive daddy's footsteps.
Nurse: I don't see why she wouldn't. It's not like she has any other influences in her lives.
[Cut to Helen running towards the children's ward.]
Helen: Yay! Fun!
[A doctor walks by, pushing a bandaged Plankton in a wheelchair.]
Doctor: Give it some time and you'll be better in no time.
Plankton: Ugh, I guess. See you soon, I guess.
Doctor: See you soon.
[Plankton is wheeled out of the hospital. Helen follows to the exit, and hides behind a vending machine as the doctor walks back past before she sneaks out the door.]
Plankton: Stupid (dolphin chirp) Krabs! Always foiling my perfect schemes and nearly sending me to my deathbed! (sigh) At least this isn't as bad as the time they gave me those (dolphin chirp) oversized crutches.
Helen: Wow! Wose are big words!
Plankton: Oh hey, a kid. What are you doing out here?
Helen: (shrugs) I'm supposed to be in the childwen's word pwaying with the otha childwen, but they're bowing. What are you doing here?
Plankton: Oh, you know. Got caught trying to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula from that blasted Krabs! ...and now I'm in a wheelchair. (he tries to move but can't) Ugh! I can't even reach the wheels! 
Helen: I like sandwiches. They're tasty.
Plankton: I wouldn't know. I've never had a Krabby Patty before. They're apparently the best burgers in town, way better than my chum patties anyway. (screams) AGH! Look at yourself Plankton! You're venting to a child! You need to get back control of your life!
Helen: You look angwy.
Plankton: Oh, I am. But don't you worry. Once I steal the Krabby Patty secret formula I'll be the happiest one-celled organism in Bikini Bottom!
Helen: What's a Krabby Patty?
Plankton: You're kidding, right? You don't know what a Krabby Patty is?
Helen: I don't twink they serve those at the hopital. 
Plankton: You mean you've been in the hospital your whole life? What's wrong with you?
Helen: Mommy and Daddy didn't want me.
Plankton: I feel like I've heard that story before.
Helen: It's quite a common occuwence actually, okay?!
Plankton: Dang, you have some sass. You're smart, kid. Could be a good asset one day maybe.
Helen: You meen there more to wife than the hospital?
Plankton: Of course there's more to life than the hospital! You've been sheltered bad- Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Plankton: (smirks) Helen? (he thinks) Kinda sounds like "felon"... I like it. I'm Shel- Plankton. My name's Plankton. Like my species.
Helen: Oh, that sounds dumb.
Plankton: Oh, it is. But this way I guess people don't mistake me for some algae. Anyway, see you around, maybe… probably not.
[Plankton tries to wheel off on his wheelchair, but once again can't reach the wheels.]
Plankton: Uh… could you give me a push please?
Helen: Um… okway.
[Helen walks up to Plankton, and looks down the large hill the hospital is on. She smiles and tips the wheelchair over, causing Plankton to fall down the hill. He screams.]
Plankton: My leg!
Fred: Hey, that's my line!
Helen: Huh, that was… fun.
Plankton: Nice one, kid!
[Flashback over.]
SpongeBob: Huh, that guy in the wheelchair kinda sounds familiar.
Plankton: I don't recognise him, but he sure sounds handsome.
Mr. Krabs: So you became a crook because some crippled guy in a wheelchair told you to?
Helen: Do you have any idea how fucking insane I felt cooped up in there?! I finally realised there was something more to living!
Mr. Krabs: Oh no. She's going into a rant.
[Flashback to the hospital where Helen is packing her belongings. She looks down at a cute stuffed seahorse and thinks about packing it, before deciding to rip the plush's head off. She sneaks down the hallway. We see the doctor in a ward in the background. She approaches the states, but steps on a rubber duck, waking him up.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Huh? Who's there?
Helen: Shit!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Helen? Is that you?
[Dr. Gill Gilliam approaches Helen.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: And just what do you think you're doing?
Helen: I- uh… nothing, Daddy?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Eh, that's good enough for me.
[Dr. Gill Gilliam goes back into the ward.]
Helen: Who lies a rubber ducky down the hospital hallway anyway?
[Helen walks off. Cut to her sneaking into the hospital cafeteria, where she notices a fresh batch of cookies.]
Helen: Huh, stealing food. (menacingly rubs her hands together) Just like the guy was talking about. This won't be easy…
[The dinner-lady's phone rings.]
Dinner-lady: Huh? (answers) Hello? You're joking! My IP address has been hacked?! That's terrible! What can I do?! Give my credit card information? Okay, I'll just go get it!
[The dinner-lady runs off. Helen pops up behind the counter and pours a stash of cookies into her bag.]
Helen: Huh, that was actually super easy, barely an inconvenience. I have no idea what that guy was talking about. Welp, what now?
[She looks up at the cafeteria's chalkboard menu.]
Helen: Ten dollars for a cookie?! I only get two dollars a month! I'm broke!
[A customer approaches the counter.]
Customer: Hey, could I have one of those cookies that you've very unsuspiciously stashed away in that bag please?
Helen: Uh… sure. That's ten dollars.
Customer: Ten dollars for a cookie? What a steal! (He takes out ten dollars from his pocket)
[Helen takes the ten dollars from the customer and gives the customer a cookie. She smirks as she looks at the money she just earned. The customer walks away eating the cookie.]
Helen: That was the best trade deal in the history of trade deals ever. This is my best scheme yet. Well, my only scheme yet. But who cares, I made a profit! If there are people in here willing to pay such high prices, just think of how many people there are out there!
[Cut to Helen preparing to leave the hospital.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Are you sure she's alright to go and play outside by herself?
Nurse: Aw, what harm could it do? She's not gonna get into any trouble.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: I suppose you're right.
Helen: Bye mommy! Bye daddy! Wuv you!
[Helen happily skips off with a large bag of stuff.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: We're good parents.
[Cut to downtown Bikini Bottom, where Helen has set up a cookie stand.]
Helen: Time to wait for the customers to roll in.
[A tumbleweed passes by]
Helen: Well, something rolled in.
[20 Tumbleweeds Later…]
[SpongeBob shows up in a police uniform. Mr. Krabs, also in a police uniform, follows behind him.]
SpongeBob: Hm? Ohh. What have we got here? Excuse me, miss. Have you got a license to sell these cookies?
Helen: I don't have a license.
[SpongeBob cuffs her.]
SpongeBob: Yeah, that's what I thought. You're under arrest for violating penal code 49689763025-D.
Mr. Krabs: How did you know that?
SpongeBob: That's classified.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Helen entering the police station. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs bring the little girl to the front door.]
SpongeBob: Central booking, also known as the cop shop. 
[SpongeBob opens the door and lets Helen go in.]
Mr. Krabs: How do you know all these words?
SpongeBob: Still classified. 
[SpongeBob enters the building and Mr. Krabs follows.]
Officer John: Well, if it isn't little Helen the Felon. (drinks some coffee) Good work, boys. You nabbed the most notorious criminal in Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: Huh? This sweet little thing?
[Cut to Dr. Gill Gilliam's house. He is pacing around, sweating and looking visibly worried. The doorbell rings and he jumps. He answers to be greeted by the nurse.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Did you find Helen? She's been missing for months!
Nurse: No, but they did.
[She holds up a newspaper with the headline "Bikini Bottom Undesirable No. 1 Caught". There's a picture of SpongeBob and Officer John standing next to Helen, who's behind bars.]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Excuse me while I scream into my cactus.
[Dr. Gill Gilliam approaches a nearby cactus plant in the room, and screams into it.]
Nurse: Uh, okay then.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: It got up my nose. I just don't understand how this could have happened! I know we've been focused on work a lot, and to be completely honest we're probably not qualified to raise a child at all, we're not even dating- (sigh) I knew we should have given her to an orphanage.
Nurse: So is it safe to say we're-?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Don't even say it. I have no daughter.
[Flashback over. Cut back to the prison cell, where you probably want us to be. Patrick is in the corner snoring.]
Plankton: I sure don't want me to be here.
SpongeBob: One of those cops sounds like a real goofball! (laughs)
Helen: So, uh, yeah. That's how it all happened. You happy now?!
Plankton: Not really, it was a stupid story.
Helen: Well what else would you want from me then? My credit card info?
Plankton: Actually that would be pretty nice.
Helen: Nice try, I lost my card in the sewers.
SpongeBob: I still don't understand how you suddenly became the most wanted criminal in Bikini Bottom.
Helen: Well, you know, that was just a trimmed down version of what happened. You know, to fit the TV schedule.
Patrick: We're on TV?!
Plankton: Jeez, there's zero privacy in this prison.
SpongeBob: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Gary! Hi Squidward! Hi-
[Mr. Krabs puts his claw over SpongeBob's lips.]
Mr. Krabs: You know, honestly I kinda feel sorry for ya, lass. 
Helen: I don't. I love it in prison! Keeps me on my toes, you know.
SpongeBob: But breaking the law is wrong!
Helen: Pffft, you impersonated police officers. It's not like you're any better.
SpongeBob: (defeated) Fair point… 
Plankton: So uh… did you ever see your parents again?
Helen: What parents? You mean the doctor people? We never had a connection.
Plankton: No, no, I mean your biological parents. You know, the ones that made you in the first place?
Helen: Nope.
SpongeBob: You know, if we ever break out of here, we should go see if we can find your parents!
Helen: I dunno if that's a good idea. They didn't want me so I don't think they'd like me.
SpongeBob: You don't know that! We won't know until we try, right?
Helen: I guess.
SpongeBob: Maybe they miss you a lot and regret their past actions. Maybe they're looking for you as we speak. Everyone deserves a second chance!
[Pan over to Plankton crying.]
Plankton: I can't take it! This is supposed to be a funny sponge cartoon!
Mr. Krabs: Even funny sponge cartoons can have tear jerking moments. (sniffles)
SpongeBob: Guys, enough with the fourth wall breaks! I think we've left a gaping hole in it already.
[The gaping hole can be seen, and the camerafish is seen waving awkwardly at the screen.]
Plankton: Fair point.
SpongeBob: So whaddaya say, Helen?
Helen: Well, first we'd actually have to break out of here, right?
SpongeBob: Oh yeah.
Helen: And, you know, you're all too incompetent to do that, so yeah. 
SpongeBob: But we could tr-
Helen: Nope, don't wanna think about this.
[SpongeBob deflates in sadness.]
Plankton: Well, now that that's over I guess it's back to being bored again. 
SpongeBob: Ooh! Does this mean we can finally play Fishopoly?!
Mr. Krabs: We told you, it never ends well!
Plankton: Only because you cheat!
Mr. Krabs: I do not cheat!
Plankton: You do, cheater!
SpongeBob: Oh well, here we go again.
[The camera pans out as they continue arguing. End.]
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