LOREBOOK: Trouble in the Continuities

=== Chapter 1: Uh-oh! ===
Commodore Hiram Lamont Forsythe-Carjimbo looked upon a sea of stars and held back tears. The arcs of light coming off of plasma rays fired between the vast fleet he was commanding and his unknown assailants seemed to outnumber the constellations themselves. A squire entered Hiram’s quarters and shook the collared peccary’s intense contemplation:
“Sir, reports are in from the battlefield and our algorithms have analyzed them. We’re on track to destroy the enemy fleet, but the victory looks to be pyrrhic. We’ll lose at least 40% of our ships if their attacks stay on pace.”
Forty percent! The cops number! Hiram turned his gaze to the squire. Unlike most people, this young man stood at nearly the same height as the commodore, having barely to gaze upward to meet eyes. How young could this recruit into the Concordat Star-Navy be? Not younger than twenty cycles, and likely never once used cyber shaving cream. How many his age would die for a victory that would mean nothing? If he won this battle, another fleet would be right back to replace the one he defeated. 
Hiram pulled on his shirt the way they do on the next generation when they stand up from a chair, you ever notice how they do that every time, and said to the squire, “Call the bridge crew to conference hall Alpha and inform them that I expect them to help plan a full tactical retreat.”
“But sir, if I may?” the squire responded nervously. Hiram lifted one eyebrow quizzically(although his eyebrow isn’t really distinguishable from his face cause, yknow, fur).
“What are you thinking? If we retreat, this force could be within parsecs from D’Challan!”
“I know that. But I have a new plan brewing.”
=== Chapter 2: Meeting of the Minds ===
Michael Pence, of the Universe designated 78E-KV, or more colloquially the one where harvey weinstein was totally innocent, stood solemnly as the tall gold grass of the moon of Huthavnar swayed just above his go-go boots. The blue uniform of the pence force still clung to his strangely old-and-young body, though it lacked the epulets, medals, and ranks it once bore. He was chopping wood in the pose that a ripped model would strike on the november photo of a gay porn calendar.  Mike tried not to notice as the sun causing him to glisten with sweat was suddenly blocked and the grass around him was blown to the side by the approach of a concordat shuttlecraft bearing the Carjimbo coat of arms. 
When a familiar snout came poking out of the craft, Pence pretended not to notice, continuing to chop his wood in a vaguely sensual way. Hiram walked up to the periphery of the small cottage Pence now called home and spoke up.
“Farming? Really? Man of your talents?”
“All I’m talented at is spreading death the wrong way, Forsythe.” 
“You’ve apologized enough for your old sins, Michael. If you live 900,000 years you’re bound to commit a genocide or three. And I know how you feel about, about -”
Pence interrupted Hiram with fury and sorrow in his voice. “About Aldodundis? About how you let Chuntus steal half the language stream and now the entire concordat might die because I allowed you to make that decision?”
“You know I had to do it to em, Pence! If we sacrificed Christmas, if we sacrifice our ideals to appease some weird shadow snake lizard man, then it wouldn’t matter whether the concordat lives or dies.” Mike’s sorrow had infected Hiram at this point. 
“And die it will, thanks to yours and Nicolas’s naivete. Now let me get back to my erotic woodchopping, would you?” Pence began to turn around when Hiram raised his voice again.
“I came here because I think there’s a way to save it. Or at least, a chance to stop whatever is destroying us.”
“Oh, so now you’re a big-shot gangster, putting together a crew? I thought we were doing rogue one references!” Pence retorted.
“Maybe I am. I’ve gotten fed up with the Star-Navy policy of simply engaging these unknown navies in head-on battle. I think we need a new approach. One more like our days in U.N.C.U.L.” At the mention of the secretive Drak agency, Pence looked a little bit more like himself.
“On God?”
“On beast, my old friend. I think the fact that we have no intel on these guys is why we’re losing. We need to get aboard the enemy flagship, find out if it is a reformed Chuntus fleet or a new enemy, and then either destroy them from the inside or at least gain intel on what they might be after, or what their potential weaknesses are. It’s a longshot, but you’re the best officer the pence force ever had. If we’re gonna pull this thing off, we are gonna need you.”
Pence paused for a good while, smiled a little, and said “Just like the old days, Frozone.”
=== Chapter 3: The Case ===
Inside Pence’s cottage, Hiram ate a sandwich stuffed with the alien flora Mike farmed and laid out his plan. 
“If we want to get inside a flagship like that, we’re going to need a hacker specialized in shieldbreaking, and a cloaking device.”
“Cloaking devices were banned after the Onfroy-Boatwright wars. You know that.” 
“Of course I do, but the constant attacks by the enemy fleets have forced the Star-Navy to put smuggler hunting on pause. There’s entire sectors now that are experiencing an economic boom from trade in illegal goods. I reckon if we go to the biggest of these sectors, we might be able to find both the things we need.”
“And what is the biggest sector?”
Hiram sighed. “Aldodundis.” 
“You’re kidding. After that battle, after 1 million ships lost on both sides, that place is a tombworld.” Pence was talking more to himself than Hiram.
“Exactly. Only a small ship could bypass the Kessler field around the planet. Concordat couldn’t stop them even if we had the resources.” 
“So we hop in your shuttlecraft, go to a criminal-infested hellhole, and just hope we find what we’re looking for?”
“Exactly.”
=== Chapter 4: Its Sturgell Simpson ===
The hypserspace trip to Aldodundis was uneventful, but the planet itself was just the opposite. In the bombed out ruins of the once-gleaming cities that dotted the planet, thousands of ruffians, traders, and foom-addicted mercs alternately conversed, fought, and swindled eachother. Hiram found a patch of scraggly orange grass to land on and exited the ship with Pence.
Hiram’s face was well known around the Concordat - and while Pence’s uniform was stripped of epaulets and ranks, it still commanded the authority of an officer of the law. As they walked the dirt roads of the ramshackle settlement they had landed near, people quickly silenced themselves and scurried from the street into whatever homes or businesses lay nearby. 
One, however, did not - and as Hiram walked up to him, he thought he was seeing things. He never did get used to seeing an AU counterpart.
“Western Outlaw Pence,” 78E-KV Pence said, “I always thought you’d desert. It’s kind of implied by the name.”
This Pence looked pretty much like all the others with the exception of a large handlebar mustache and his ridiculous getup - leather duster, cowboy boots and all. 
“Yeah, that’s a good noggin you got there, son. What you come down to Aldy-dundy for?”
“Were looking for a shieldbreaker to work with us, and someone who might sell us a cloaking device. Any leads?” Hiram asked.
“Yar, there’s a lassie in thum there saloon thats gotta both. Butchu better bet yer bottam keister that she’s too goldurn wild ta ever pardner up with y’all!”
“Are you having a stroke?”
Regardless of whether he was, Mike and Hiram set off for the saloon they were pointed to. (It turned out that Western Outlaw Mike Pence was having a stroke, and sadly died 3 minutes later.)
When Hiram pushed on those little saloon double doors(why do all saloons have those they seem really impractical what if it gets cold outside), they were met by about two dozen lasguns pulled immediately out of their holsters. Hiram gulped what he thought what may have been his last gulp before a voice spoke up from the back.
“Now, now, boys, don’t be so rowdy. Put those things down, I wanna have a conversation with these suits!” Out of the shadows of the bar came slinking a sultry figure with near-vantablack skin, gleaming red eyes, and a carnivorous but sincere grin. “Name’s Melantha. Melantha Chuntus. You can call me Melly.”
=== Chapter 5: Woah, woah, back it up (CW Transphobia. JoJo Part 5 Spoilers) ===
Ten years before our story, Melantha, a young girl with a loving father, stood at that father’s - Ichabod Chuntus’s - side as a large purple man walked into the hangar bay. Ichabod took a deep bow.
“High Satrap-Viceroy Fortnite Xanos and Praetor Blue Kavanaugh, I grant you blessings of the highest -”
“Save it, Ichabod.” Xanos looked over to Melantha. “Your son has grown strong, I see.”
Ichabod put one of his tendrils over Melantha almost unthinkingly, his fatherly instinct stepping in to defend his daughter. Melantha felt nothing, as she did all the time in those days. Murder was on her mind.
“Th-thank you, sire.” Ichabod would sweat if his physiology allowed it.
“No, my friend, thank you.” Xanos leaned in to Ichabod’s personal space in a Joe Biden-esque move.
Xanos continued: “Has the transfer of access codes been completed?”
“A-as agreed. My fleet for the head of the Ice Geenie, which has already been done, and the promise to destroy the concordat wall as well as this foolish idea of the holiday with no name in your holy war.”
“And all that is coming,” Xanos said and added under his breath, “along with much more.” 
“If I may inquire as to what that means, sire?”
Xanos paused for unending seconds until a smile creeped across his melon head ass face. 
“My sweet Blue Kavanaugh, why not show our guest the future?”
Blue Kavanaugh, who only spoke in clips from the 2017 congressional hearing regarding his admission to the supreme court and its correpsonding SNL sketch, responded with a janky “AFirMaTiVE.” He walked up to Ichabod Chuntus. His red eyes grew wide as he realized he had fallen into a carefully crafted trap.
He let out a pained whisper. “Melly, run.”
With unrelenting force, Blue Kavanaugh’s hand peirced through the deep black of Ichabod’s midsection. It was like when king crimson did Abbacchio dirty. 
Melantha was already halfway across the hangar bay when Ichabod’s body thudded to the ground. Blue Kavanaugh pointed at the young woman, jerked his head to adress Xanos, and asked, “WHAT aBoUT HiS FAMILY?” 
“We let the boy be. Fear must be spread through this place. We still need more multiversal jumps.”
And so it was that Melantha Chuntus boarded an escape pod and began her daring life of crime thats super cool you guys shes a cool character, everyone likes her, shes not a self insert mary sue like ben shes just trans because i thought it would be cool dont think about it so hard ok
=== Chapter 6: The Setup ===
“So this Xanos guy, he’s who’s behind all this bullshit?” Hiram asked on board the main room of Melly’s sleek interceptor.
“I would have never imagined a minor concordat satrap would have such ambition, let alone the ability to raise such a force.” Pence said.
“Me either, but that’s just the way it is. Things will never be the same.” Melly responded from the cockpit.
“So, how are we going to get on the flagship?”
Melly put the ship on autopilot and spun around in her swiveling chair to face Hiram and Mike. “The cloaking part is already taken care of, a smuggler-refugee like me needs one to survive. Now shieldbreaking...that’s a different story.”
Mike raised his voice: “You said you were an expert at that!”
“And I am!” Melly quickly responded, “but Xanos’s ship, The Zellers, isn’t like anything I’ve ever seen in the concordat, Star-Navy, Chuntus' fleet, or anything else. I think they have somehow found a way past the barrier and are combining Concordat style ships with tech we’re unfamiliar with.” 
Hiram was shocked by this idea. “That’s not possible! As long as half the language stream holds, the wall should be unbroken!”
“I thought so too, but there’s no other explanation.” Melly continued, “And speaking of the language stream, the only things that could get this ship through that shield are Epstein particles.”
“You can’t be suggesting this. Epstein particles are the only thing keeping the language stream stable and not an amalgamation of dark hearts,” Mike said.
“I am. Clearly if Xanos has a way through the shield, the stream is only hurting us at this point. And besides, I know for a fact that spares are kept in the D’Challan underkeep from the temple raid of 2021.”
“If it’s our only shot, then we take it.” Hiram had resolve in his voice.
Mike said nothing. This plan went against what he had once stood for, but Xanos was too dangerous to pull punches with.
=== Chapter 7: Incursion on D’Challan ===
The ancient and venerable city of D’Challan was the last place Hiram or Pence expected to be breaking into, much less with the daughter of Ichabod Chuntus himself, but these were strange times that called for stranger solutions; at least, that was how they rationalized it to themselves.
Melly had landed the ship behind an abandoned warehouse on the meaner side of D’Challan city. Dodging and weaving past the city’s famous monochromatic soldiers, Hiram was struck by the oddness of being on the opposite side of things. 
Once they entered the warehouse, Pence whispered to Melly: “what possible use is coming here doing? This side of D’Challan couldn’t possibly hold anything of use to-”
“Maybe your government is hiding more from you than you think,” Melly offhandedly responded as she pulled up a hidden keypad, entered some numbers, and walked into a newly appeared elevator. “Come on!” she said as she waved Hiram and Pence in.
The elevator whirred and clicked as it slipped down for what seemed like an eternity - wherever this was going, it was deep far into D’Challan’s crust. “If this is where the Epstein particles are being kept, I think U.N.C.U.L. would at least have told us something about it,” Hiram mused.
“This is security clearance level ULTRAMORPH shit. Only Aldor Zenquinius and his eunuchs know about this.” Melly responded.
“Then how do you?” Pence asked.
“Dad had big plans, eyes everywhere, and always kept me close.”
With that, the elevator hit its destination and opened up to a massive underground facility dimly lit by blue halogen lights. High-security lockbox after lockbox held what most likely was the object of every major concordat conspiracy theory. It’s the place from the end of raiders of the lost ark im doing a meme. 
“It should be close by, let’s see...area c12,” Melly said, “only a 5 mile walk.”
Hiram’s stubby legs were aching like nothing else as they neared the end. His mind was wandering, thinking of how strange this whole adventure had become - when suddenly, his big peccary ears perked up. Had he heard something? A low growl, the schlapping of some damp substance...no, it must be a hallucination. He kept up his pace with Pence and Melly. Even so, it grew louder. And louder.
“Pence, do you hear that?” Pence didn’t answer. Hiram asked that question 1000 times in their U.N.C.U.L. days, and every time he couldn’t - but that was only because he had better ears. So, like the old days, he drew his laspistol. Melly, reading the room, followed suit by unsheathing her quarkblade. 
The schlapping and growling grew louder to the point where the non-peccaries in the group could hear it. They were not alone in the Indiana Jones warehouse. Melly whispered, “I can see the box. Let’s just try to take the particles and go.” Always she sneak, she ran tiptoeing over to the triple-locked chest larger than she was marked only with the words “TEMPLE”. Just as she put her hands on it, she could hear a new sound - the flapping of wings. Then, from above them -
“GET OFF THAT IDIOT BOX!”
“Mr. Eldred!” Melly yelled, “Run!”
The enormous creature, a great kraken with the limbs and face of an elderly 2000s earth high school teacher sticking out of it in random places, flew above them and fired lasers out of its enormous eye as it swiped its claws at the three of them. 
Hiram ran to Melly and helped her carry the box of Epstein particles while Pence pulled out his trademark Big Gun and fired at the hideous being. Normally a single shot from Michael Pence’s Trademark Big Gun Copyright Registered Buy Now could blow a man to pieces, but Pence fired countless shots into the beast without it so much as seeming injured. 
As they neared the elevator, it swooped down and dug its claws into Hiram, causing him to fall over. The box dropped with a loud thud, With Melly’s legs under it. Both of the injured screamed in pain as Pence continued to fire.
“No! I’m not letting it end here!” Hiram bellowed. “I’m going SEAWORLD!” 
Hiram pulled a small box out of his jacket pocket and blew the dust off it. The box was emblazoned with the symbol of the Drak people, and it read “U.N.C.U.L.” He opened it up, and was relieved to see a small pill still inside. 
“No!” Pence yelled, “It’s too dangerous! The SEAWORLD trials were a disaster!”
“What other choice do we have?!” Hiram yelled as he swallowed the pill. 
The changes that happened to Hiram and the carnage that he inflicted upon the beast are too grotesque to describe in this text without being the moral equivalent of the guys who made Cannibal Holocaust. The beast lived, but only barely, and only due to his ability to regenerate from a single shred of skin staying intact. Needless to say, all 3 made it in the elevator. 
Once inside, Pence vomited profusely from seeing what had happened, as did Melly. After this, though, Pence spoke up: “Hiram, I’m sorry I said not to go SEAWORLD there. You always make the right call, even when it’s hard.”
=== Chapter 8: Next time on Dragon Ball Z ===
Back on the ship, Melly had a serious look on her face. “Look guys, we can’t hold out any longer. That creature was one of Xanos’ lieutenants, I’ve seen him before. He’s onto us. We have everything we need, so we can’t waste a second. We have to infiltrate Xanos’ ship.”
WILL HIRAM LAMONT FORSYTHE-CARJIMBO, 78E-KV MICHAEL PENCE, AND MELANTHA CHUNTUS BE ABLE TO INFILTRATE THE SHIP OF THE VILE FORTNITE XANOS? WHAT WILL THE FATE OF THE CONTINUITIES, AND OF ALL UNIVERSES, BE?! FIND OUT IN:
THE THANOS MOVIE: WHERE’S THE BABY? IN THEATERS(YOUTUBE ACTUALLY) SOMETIME IN 2020, PROBABLY!
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Category:Hiram Continuities
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