New House in Town/transcript

Next Episode: Dirty's Crimes
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: January 20, 2007
Episode Copyrighted: 2006
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
The episode begins at Squidward's House in Brooklyn, his day off on a lazy Sunday.
Squidward Tentacles: It's finally complete!
It shows Squidward in his house at a table.
Squidward Tentacles: After weeks and weeks of burning the candle at both ends. *voice calms down* Literally.
A double-sided, burned candle is shown, and his voice returns in a louder tone.
Squidward Tentacles: My first clarinet concerto is complete and ready to be performed! *falls at a quake, and my clarinet concerto papers fall in the fire of the double-sided candle* No!
Now quaked again.
Squidward Tentacles: Now, I'm flummoxed.
Squidward is up in his gallery practicing his clarinet and getting all of the notes wrong.
Squidward Tentacles: Why is my pitch so off today?! Ah well, whatever. *opens my front door*
He hits his head four times as he yells "Doh, doh, doh, doh." SpongeBob and Lincoln are shown hammering a "For Rent" sign.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hit it one more time Lincoln. Don't want anyone stealing it.
Lincoln Loud: *hammers the sign into the ground, and it is destroyed to pieces*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Perfect.
Squidward Tentacles: Huh? Where am I? Am I in Brooklyn? *grunts angrily* All right, what's going on out here? I can't even hear myself think!
Lincoln Loud: *raises my hand* Oh! Ooh! Can you smell yourself?
Squidward Tentacles: *calmly* No. *raises my voice* As I was saying, you two...
Lincoln Loud: *interrupts* Or see?
Squidward Tentacles: No!
Lincoln Loud: *yells out loud* HOW, HOW ABOUT TASTE? CAN YOU TASTE YOURSELF THINK?
Squidward Tentacles: Shut it! What are you two dingbats doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: We were just posting a new "For Rent" sign for the Loud House. We worked on it all morning, see?
The sign is shown.
Squidward Tentacles: For rent? You mean one of you is moving out?
SpongeBob SquarePants: *laughs* No, Lincoln here is just gonna rent out his front yard. I hope his dad will be here.
Lincoln Loud: Need a little extra cash if you know what I mean.
Squidward Tentacles: Wow! To think this day started off so horribly and now... *realizes what Lincoln said* What do you mean you're just gonna rent out your front yard?
Lincoln Loud: First come, first, serve.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh great, now another idiot can move in.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, Squidward, that reminds me. Lincoln and I are off to Amusement Park. We were wondering if maybe you can stick around and keep an eye out for any takers.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, I would love to. Just let me check my planner. *takes out my planner and looks in it*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, thanks!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh no, I'm sorry, I can't.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aww, why not?
Squidward Tentacles: It's because I was planning to do "No such thing"! See?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, well thanks anyway, Squidward.
Lincoln Loud: Yeah, thanks.
Slide transition.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, with those two bonebrains gone for the day, at least now I can finally get some peace and...
Everything shakes.
Squidward Tentacles: ...quiet. *walks outside* Now what are you two boobs up to? I thought you were gonna..
SpongeBob and Lincoln are not there.
Squidward Tentacles: Huh? *walks inside to the third floor* Well, if they're not here, then I wonder who could have been making all of that-
Squidward, despite having said gallery being on the third floor, still hears a knock at his front door.
Squidward Tentacles: Why doesn’t anybody read my Go Away sign? *walks down two flights of stairs and finally makes it to my front door*
He answers it to find some guy.
Squidward Tentacles: Who are you and what do you want?
Howard the Fish: Hello. My name is Howard.
Squidward Tentacles: Hello, Howard.
Howard the Fish: I noticed this "For Rent" sign. Is this yard still for rent?
Squidward Tentacles: Sorry, you're too late.
Howard the Fish: Hmmm. Howard is disappointed.
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah, well, aren't we all?
Howard the Fish: This looked like it might've been a wonderful place to pursue my passions...
Squidward Tentacles: *peeks out the door* Passions?
Howard the Fish: ...painting...
Squidward Tentacles: Painting?
Howard the Fish: ...laying the bassoon...
Squidward Tentacles: The bassoon?
Howard the Fish: ...and enjoying a nice glass of tea in my front yard.
Squidward Tentacles: *speaks gibberish* I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. *sighs* Finally, a neighbor with some culture! Oh, I can only imagine! Painting portraits while sipping tea, recumbent bicycling into a museum, playing a duet together in Brooklyn! *sighs again*
Howard the Fish: *leaves* Farewell. I should've known all this was too good to be true.
Squidward Tentacles: *stops him* Wait! Don't go! *pants* I was...just kidding!
Howard the Fish: Ok, well, in that case, I should move in right away!
Squidward Tentacles: Wonderful!
Howard the Fish: Make yourself at home!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, my. His designs sense are impeccable! *to Howard* Oh-ho-ho, I do feel right "at home."
Howard the Fish: Okie-dok, then. I'd like to propose a toast—to my new neighbor.
Squidward Tentacles: New neighbor!
They both toast the tea.
Squidward Tentacles: *sips the tea*
Howard the Fish: While we're on the topic, what are the other neighbors like who live around here?
Squidward Tentacles: *nervous* Gah, other neighbors! Oh, they're just like any other neighbors, I suppose.
Howard the Fish: Well, that's perfect. I'm the the type of person that likes all kinds of neighbors!
Squidward Tentacles: That is perfect!
Howard the Fish: Well, as long they're not jellyfishers.
Squidward Tentacles: *nearly chokes on my tea*
Howard the Fish: I can't stand living near anybody who jellyfishes. But, luckily, they're not the worst type of neighbor.
Squidward Tentacles: *chuckles* Yes, that-that is lucky. *sips my tea*
Howard the Fish: That would be the bubble blowers.
Squidward Tentacles: *spits out my tea*
Howard the Fish: Between the jellyfishers and bubble blowers, I just couldn't stand to stay in my old neighborhood anymore.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, rest assured Howard, *chuckles* you-you won't even notice the neighbors around here.
Howard the Fish: Well, that's a relief.
Squidward Tentacles: Yes, uh, isn't it?
Howard the Fish: The house apartment of the town in Brooklyn.
Squidward Tentacles: I don’t like loiterers.
Howard the Fish: Your house is made of art.
Squidward Tentacles: I want you to leave now and... wait what?
Howard the Fish: Your house is made of art.
Squidward Tentacles: I heard you before. Now, what do you mean my house is made of art?
Howard the Fish: This is the city of Brooklyn. They have been known for their history of being supplied with all kinds of treasures and other objects from the Angry people for their comfort and..
Squidward Tentacles: Don’t make an essay out of this.
Howard the Fish: The point is, if you find the painting, shock will come your way. I got to go, have fun at your new house. *drives off in my boat*
Squidward Tentacles: My house is worth something! My house is worth something!!
Screen zooms in to Mr. Krabs and Lynn Sr.
Squidward Tentacles: *walks outside*
Lynn Loud Sr.: Hello, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: What's worth something?!
Squidward Tentacles: Whose house?!
Lynn Loud Sr.: How much are we talking?
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *shows up*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey guys, what's up.
Lincoln Loud: Hey, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Beat it SpongeBob and Lincoln.
Mr. Krabs: I guess this house belongs to me.
Lynn Loud Sr.: No, this is mine.
Mr. Krabs: No, it's not.
Lynn Loud Sr.: What I do with my retirement home of the Loud House is my own business. This is my house. I own this!
Mr. Krabs: Don’t talk to ye commanding officer like that! Lest you be fired!
Squidward Tentacles: *to Mr. Krabs and Lynn Sr.* Quiet, you two! My house is made of art!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Your house?! I have no problem with that, once I find the treasures, I can finally be free from that trash can and become what I always wanted to be! An artist with sports cars!
Mr. Krabs: Well when I rightfully steal ye treasures! I will have increased my money hoarding from $80,000,000 to a bajillion! Arrgh,arrgh,arrgh,arrgh!
Lynn Loud Sr.: I can’t wait to get on the front cover of Tycoon's Digest!
Squidward Tentacles and Lynn Loud Sr.: *goes into the basement to begin searching the basic areas of the house*
Mr. Krabs: *begins digging underneath with a shovel*
Gary the Snail: *slithers up*
Lincoln Loud: Hey look, it's Gary.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Money does things unimaginable, right Gary?
Gary the Snail: Meow. Meow.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I ain’t buying you any comforters if I somehow got the treasure. Mr. Loud owns it.
Lincoln Loud: SpongeBob, that's my dad.
Gary the Snail: Meow. *slithers away*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *enters Lynn Sr's house and finds him tearing his junky basement apart for the treasures.
Lincoln Loud: Dad?
Squidward in reflex, bumps his head on a light bulb.
Squidward Tentacles: *to Lincoln* Ow! WHAT?! I'M NOT YOUR DAD?!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Can I help you find your riches?
Squidward Tentacles: No.
Lincoln Loud: Please!
Squidward Tentacles: No.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pretty please with a sugar sprinkle on top?!
Squidward Tentacles: I’m allergic to sugar.
Lincoln Loud: Pretty please with a vacation of me going away possible?
Squidward Tentacles: Noooo… okay.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: Yes!
Squidward Tentacles: *about me, SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs Lincoln and Lynn Sr.* But I get all of the treasure! Not you or the Piggy Bank robber!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No problemo!
Squidward Tentacles: Well it ain’t down here.
Lynn Loud Sr.: *walks to Squidward* Maybe it is in my library.
Squidward Tentacles: Your library?
Lincoln Loud: Yeah! Where you keep the tip book called 100 Ways To Suck An Egg!
Squidward Tentacles: Wait, what?
Meanwhile, underground.
Mr. Krabs: *puts on my money sniffer* Come on sniffy! You ain’t failed me before! *crawls around smelling and looking for the treasures*
He picks up a scent.
Mr. Krabs: North! *crawls north*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln and Lynn Loud Sr. *finishes tearing up the library, no luck*
Lynn Loud Sr.: Dang it!
Lincoln Loud: How about Patrick's rock?
Squidward Tentacles: That isn’t part of my Howard, you dingalings.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, wait what about the walls?
Squidward Tentacles: Maybe.
Lincoln Loud: I’ll break a hole in them!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Good luck! These walls have been indestructible since!
Squidward Tentacles: Hah!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Lincoln, I got this! Hay yah! *karate chops a big hole into Lynn Sr.'s Library Wall*
Lynn Loud Sr.: …… 1989.
Squidward Tentacles: 1998. "Potholes in My Lawn" with the vinyl record.
SpongeBob, Squidward, Lincoln and Lynn Sr. look inside the hole but only find old insulation, a deadbolt, some sea urchins and Squidward's old toothbrush.
Squidward Tentacles: Toothy! I wondered where you went! I missed you!
Lincoln Loud: Oh man.
Mr. Krabs believes he has found the treasure.
Mr. Krabs: Arr! Arr! Arr! Me cashier will remain! *pinches away some of the sand that may be blocking the treasure*
But he has just hit the pipe system instead.
Mr. Krabs: Aggh! *dolphin noises, then punches the pipes in anger and causes a rumbling sound* Oh… deficit.
A surge of goo floods out sending Mr. Krabs downstream through the underground passageways.
Mr. Krabs: Arrgrgrghhghhh!!!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Squidward Tentacles and Lincoln Loud: *continue tearing through more of the insides of Lynn Sr.'s house such as the inside of the toilet seat, up top the ceiling fan blades, inside the refrigerator and under the floor tiles*
Lynn Loud Sr.: Guys, what are you doing to my house?!!
Squidward Tentacles: Where is it?!!
SpongeBob SquarePants: There is one place we haven’t checked yet.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Oh, I see.
Squidward Tentacles: What?
Lincoln Loud: The attic.
Lynn Loud Sr.: Ok, let's go. You go, we’ll wait!
Squidward Tentacles: Why?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Attics house ghosts! I ain’t ready to become one!
Squidward Tentacles: Morons. *crawls into my attic*
Which is just as messy as Lynn Sr.'s basement. He finds an old picture of him from the 80's.
Squidward Tentacles: *sighs* Where did the time go?
He discovers an old wedding dress.
Squidward Tentacles: Was this my mother's?
He also finds an empty jar of cheeseballs.
Squidward Tentacles: Patrick!!!
Finally, he finds a latch door.
Squidward Tentacles: The treasure has got to be in there! *tries to pry the door open*
He fails.
Squidward Tentacles: Come on you stupid thing!! *eventually gets the door open but just finds a bunch of cobwebs instead, then screams* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *then falls through his attic floor and lands with SpongeBob, Lincoln and Lynn Sr.
Lincoln Loud: Are you okay, no ghosts right?!!
Squidward Tentacles: NO GHOSTS! AND NO VINYL RECORDS!!!!!!!
Lynn Loud Sr.: WE'RE DOOMED!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln and Lynn Loud Sr.: *walks outside to take a break having no more lead ons*
Mr. Krabs: *scampers up drenched in stained goo*
Squidward Tentacles: Cheapy.
Mr. Krabs: Boney!
Squidward Tentacles: I’m still going to find the treasure before you NUMBNUTS!
Mr. Krabs: That’ll be the day. DRINKING STRAW!
Squidward Tentacles: I am naturally skinny!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Both of you shut it!!!
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Loud, stop.
Lynn Loud Sr.: No! Don’t you see what this stupid  is doing to us?! It's causing a rift! Why are we letting just one little silly value cause a flipping war?!
Squidward Tentacles: Because the old fatty is a money mangler!
Mr. Krabs: *about Squidward* Drinking straw!
Lynn Loud Sr.: STOP THIS NOW!!! HOW ABOUT YOU COOPERATE! LOOK FOR THE TREASURE TOGETHER INSTEAD OF FIGHTING LIKE A DING DANG LITTLE CHILDREN IN THE PLAYGROUND! MANICS! YOU ARE BOTH GROUNDED!
Squidward Tentacles and Mr. Krabs: *looks at each other*
Mr. Krabs: Maybe, Mr. Loud's right. Sorry, I guess.
Squidward Tentacles: And I am too, I just wanted to get some value in my life for a change while you have had buttloads of it.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, okay, I mean, I ain’t raising ye work salaries or anything but I suppose, you can at least keep a tiny share of the riches.
Squidward Tentacles: Half!
Mr. Krabs: Half!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Thank you!
Lincoln Loud: Dad, I'm sorry! Ground me!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Ground you?! Son, you did the right thing!
SpongeBob SquarePants: The warranty of your friendship lives on!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, warranty!
Squidward Tentacles: Wait, warranty? That's it! Maybe the treasure is with the warranty of my house!
Mr. Krabs: Where is it?!
Squidward Tentacles: Under my mattress!
Mr. Krabs: Let's go!
Lynn Sr., Lincoln, Squidward, Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob rush up into Howard's bedroom to find the warranty notice of his house.
Squidward Tentacles: Warranty right under here!
Mr. Krabs: Money! Money! Money!!
Squidward Tentacles: *lifts the mattress and finds the warranty notice*
He unwraps it to find a case.
Squidward Tentacles: THE VINYL RECORD!!! AHA AHA AHA!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Squidward, where did you get that vinyl record?
Squidward Tentacles: I found it under my mattress.
Mr. Krabs: Purdy!
Squidward Tentacles: Wait, why didn’t I notice this before when I got the warranty of this house?
Lynn Loud Sr.: Who cares, unzip it!
Squidward Tentacles: On it!
Lincoln Loud: Here we go!
Squidward Tentacles: *unzips the bag but instead of finding diamonds, dollar bills, golden tokens and jewelry*
He instead finds poorly drawn pictures of Eastern City in Brooklyn.
Squidward Tentacles: POORLY DRAWN EASTERN CITY IN BROOKLYN?!!
Mr. Krabs: WHAT GIVES?!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hold on! Looking it up now! *sees the vinyl record on Squidward's laptop* The vinyl record of the angry people of Moais and Eastern City in Brooklyn is not that of your everyday treasure but instead of pictures of their creations drawn in the tallest building to express what they felt at the time. In 1998, "Potholes in My Lawn" was a kind of song. Long story short, you were duped.
Mr. Krabs: Bye! *skedaddles elsewhere.
Howard the Fish: *walks inside* I'm back.
Squidward Tentacles: Howard, thank goodness you're here.
Howard the Fish: And a one and a two...
They both play on their instruments.
Squidward Tentacles: *in thoughts* Squiddy, this is absolutely the best day of your life!
SpongeBob and Lincoln are heard laughing.
Howard the Fish: Perplexing. I could've sworn I just had this thing tuned.
Squidward Tentacles: Uh, that's me! I think this reed needs replacing. Excuse me for a moment! *runs and builds a fence around Howard's house* There! Now, where were we?
Lincoln Loud: Look! Our new neighbor in Brooklyn must be even shyer than we thought!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah.
A bubble pops and a jellyfish stings Patrick. They both laugh.
Howard the Fish: There it is again.
Squidward Tentacles: *laughs nervously* Excuse me one more time! *builds a wall of cinder blocks*
More laughing is heard.
Squidward Tentacles: Just a second. *runs outside and paints zippers on SpongeBob and Lincoln's mouths* Now, uh... where were we?
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *unzips the zippers and laughs*
Squidward Tentacles: *climbs in a bulldozer and pushes SpongeBob's house and The Loud House off a cliff*
Lynn Loud Sr.: My house!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln and Lynn Loud Sr.: *run after them and jump off the cliff*
Lynn Loud Sr.: *offscreen, screams while falling, then gets hurt* Ow, my back!
Squidward Tentacles: *then comes back inside* I'm back.
Howard the Fish: *angrily* What is going on? Are you hiding something?
Squidward Tentacles: *nervously* Why, Howard, I would never hide anything from you!
Howard the Fish: Stand aside!
SpongeBob and Lincoln are shown jellyfishing and blowing bubbles.
Howard the Fish: Repulsive! Somebody's got to stop these bubble blowing jellyfishers!
Squidward Tentacles: *cries* Wait! Please, Howard, don't go! You're the rain of sunshine I've had in years!
Howard the Fish: Squidward, you're banned from this house!
Squidward Tentacles: I thought this was my home!
Howard the Fish: I'm sorry. It's too late, Mr. Tentacles!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, dear Neptune, no!
Howard the Fish: *kicks Squidward out of this house and bans him*
Squidward Tentacles: *cries*
Howard the Fish: *to SpongeBob and Lincoln* You there! *pops a bubble* Hey! *pops another bubble* That was actually kind of fun! Maybe it's time I stop being so stuffy and loosened up for a change!
Squidward Tentacles: What the...?
Howard the Fish: *proceeds to join in on the fun with SpongeBob and Lincoln*
Squidward Tentacles: I may be able to handle two lame-brained boneheads, but I draw the line at three! *knocks out the brick and Howard's trailer rolls away*
Howard the Fish: My house! *runs after it and jumps off the cliff* I knew it was too good to be true.
As he holds a piece of the broken sign.
Squidward Tentacles: *sadly* Well, I almost had a decent neighbor.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Squidward. We can cheer you up. *blows a bubble*
Lincoln Loud: Go on. Pop it!
Squidward Tentacles: Pop it? Me? Well at this point, what have I got to lose?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, there is always next time.
Squidward Tentacles: Really now?
The bubble floats away.
Squidward Tentacles: Hey, come back here, you bubble!
The bubble floats over the same cliff.
Squidward Tentacles: *jumps off of it and screams* Jellyfishing bubble blowers!
Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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