Episode 212: Johnny Fiama Leaves Home/transcript

==Cold open==
 	In the commissary, Johnny finishes singing to a group of old ladies: the mothers of the staff at Muppets Tonight, including his own.
Johnny 	♪ Mamma …
Zippity's mom	Oh Johnny!
Johnny 	♪ … mai più!
 	The mothers choke up.
Nigel's mom 	You're wonderful!
Johnny 	Alright, great. Thank - no more songs now.
Zippity's mom	Oh, wait, just one more song, Johnny? Please, one more song, huh?
Johnny 	No, no, now, that's enough now. If you want any more, you're gonna have to pay. (awkward pause) Aw, I'm kiddin'. (they all laugh) I'm just kiddin' you. Now, I want all you mothers to enjoy your day here at the studio, watching your kids work. Alright, I gotta run. Bye-bye, now. Okay, alright.
 	Johnny leaves and the mothers disperse.
Mothers 	Bye Johnny! Nice to meet you!
Zippity's mom	Oh, boy, you must be so proud of your son, Mrs. Fiama.
Mama Fiama 	Yes, yes. But I wish he didn't leave his boxer shorts all balled up in the kitchen.
Zippity's mom	Ha ha!
 	Meanwhile, Johnny waits for the elevator, when Sal approaches him.
Johnny 	What is it with this now?
Sal 	Hey, hey, Johnny, Johnny.
Johnny 	What?
Sal 	I just met this girl at the studio next door. And we're going out tonight.
Johnny 	No kidding.
Sal 	And get this, get this. She's got a sister.
Johnny 	(raises eyebrow) No, no, Sal, forget it.
Sal 	AWW!
Johnny 	No, no, no. I've been out on your monkey double-dates before. Heh, they spend the entire evenin' trying to pick bugs outta my hair.
Sal 	Oh, come on, come on, Johnny, just meet them.
Johnny 	No, abso-fa-lutely not.
Sal 	Oh, here they come, here they come. They're right here.
 	The Hannah sisters enter.
Johnny 	No, I refuse. I told you, I'm not going.
Sal 	Johnny, turn around.
Page 	Hi, Sal. Hi, Johnny. I'm Page Hannah. This is my sister, Daryl.
Sal 	Yeah.
 	Johnny sees them and becomes tongue-tied.
Johnny 	Huh? Hamana-hamana-hamana …
Daryl 	Hi, Johnny. Nice to meet you. My grandma Lotte has one of your albums.
Sal 	There you go.
Johnny 	Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana …
Page 	I'm sorry, what is he saying?
Sal 	Oh, oh, oh, he's just saying, "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah." You know, so like he don't forget your name.
Johnny 	Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana …
Daryl 	No, no, "Hannah, Hannah". Less of the "M" sound, more of the "N."
Johnny 	Hannah.
Sal 	Hey, Johnny, let's take them back to your place. We'll have the place to ourselves since Ma's here with her cronies all day.
Johnny 	(high-pitched) Alright.
 	Mama Fiama spots them talking, and gasps. Sal leads the party into the elevator.
Sal 	Alright, ladies. Page, shall we?
Page 	Thank you.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama comin' through! Goin' on a date with the Hannah sisters!
Johnny 	(laughs)
Sal 	Sounds good.
 	The elevator door closes.
Mama Fiama 	(gasps) Brutta bestia! (bites her fist)
==Theme==
	Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==The Real World: Muppets==
 	The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates.
Clifford 	(VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ...
Bobo 	(VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ...
Darci 	(VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ...
Bill 	(VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ...
Rizzo 	(VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets.
 	The confessional, switching between Darci and Bobo.
Darci 	I'm a songwriter, but I can't work in a vacuum, because a vacuum is nothing! And I need something to react to. And… what's the opposite of vacuum? Am I making any sense?
Bobo 	Darci is the product of home schooling. Problem is, she was raised by wolves. Stupid, illiterate, permissive wolves! Ugh … (facepalms)
Darci 	People say my songs bring out the childlike quality in others.
Bobo 	Yeah. 'Cause when she sings, you wanna spit up and wet yourself.
Darci 	When I sing my songs, I'm at my most sensitive, and vulnerable.
 	The living room. Darci plays guitar on the couch as Rizzo and Clifford watch.
Darci 	
♪ I hate men, I hate men,
♪ All men should DIIIIE! Death to all MENNNN!
(softly) ♪ I hate rats too.
 	Clifford and Rizzo react with shock and fear.
Darci 	So. What'd you think?
 	The confessional…
Rizzo 	Heh. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. She threatened to read us her poetry. Huh! (shakes head)
 	The living room. Darci plays a song for Bobo.
Darci 	
♪ Bears are killers, killers of sheep!
♪ Killers of Bambi! Bears should all DIIIIIEEEE!
(softly) ♪ Kill them. Kill them. So. What'd you think?
Bobo 	(stammers) … It's a little one-sided.
Darci 	Oh.. So because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my 'pinions?
Bobo 	(stammers) Oh no, wha, it –– it's easy to dance to.
Darci 	Oh, that's more like it.
Bobo 	Oh, good, wi - will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?
Darci 	Well, I want you to hear my piercing song.
 	The confessional…
Darci 	My roommates decided to confront me about my somewhat aggressive behavior. I'm glad we talked it out. Like all good roommates, we came to a compromise.
 	The living room. Clifford plays the guitar and sings with Rizzo and Bobo as Darci listens.
All three	
♪ We hate angry women, who write songs,
♪ Who hate men, (One two!)
♪ And who were raised by wolves.
 	Bill comes in and blows bubbles.
Bill 	Wow!
 	Switch to Statler and Waldorf in a luxurious living room, watching the show and holding cigars.
Statler 	You know--
Waldorf 	Yeah?
Statler 	This show reminds me of a 25-cent cigar.
Waldorf 	Oh yeah? Why is that?
Statler 	Because it's cheap and it stinks!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Bill's mom approaches Bobo at a phone console.
Bobo 	"Sweet … dream …"
Belle 	Excuse me, excuse me.
Bobo 	Yes?
Belle 	Yes, I'm looking for my son. Can you help me?
Bobo 	Yes, yes. What is your name?
Belle 	I'm Belle, the Bubble Mom. Bubbles come out of my head. (blows them)
Bobo 	Oh. Isn't that lovely? And uh, your son's name?
Belle 	Never mind. (walks away) I'll find him myself.
Bobo 	Alright.
 	She passes a man in a sweater, who notices Carla.
Man (DG) 	Hey … you look just like Big Mean Carl!
Big Mean Carla	Well, he's my son. I'm Carla, the Big Mean Mom!
Man (DG) 	Well, it's nice to meet you.
Big Mean Carla	Nice to eat you too! (devours him, then burps) Thank you! Heh heh.
 	Meanwhile, Nigel's mom talks to Zippity's mom.
Nigel 	Alright, people. Get ready to cue the Village Spiders.
Nigel's mom 	… and when he was just a little baby …
Zippity's mom 	Yeah?
Nigel's mom 	… he'd get so upset, so I'd just put a couple of shots of espresso in his baby bottle. Calmed him right down. Yes, yes.
Zippity's mom 	(laughs)
Zippity Zap 	Can you dig it, Mama?
Zippity's mom 	Solid!
Zippity Zap 	(laughs)
Nigel 	SHUT UP!! Mom, how dare you embarrass me with stories about when I was little when you can see that I HAVE A SHOW TO RUN HERE!!
Nigel's mom 	(hands him a cup) Here you go, son, a nice cup of mocha almond rochachino.
Nigel 	Thanks, Mom.
 	They nuzzle their snouts affectionately. Meanwhile, a stagehand handles a rope as a camera aims at a small stage.
Nigel 	Okay, cue the Village Spiders.
Stagehand (DG)	Okay, bring it over. Bring it over.
 	The Village Spiders sing "Macho Bug", until the stagehand accidentally tips over a stand, causing a domino effect. He lets go of the rope, and a light fixture falls on the spiders, crushing them.
Stagehand (DG)	Ooh! Oh, heads up.
Rizzo 	Gee, you know, when the lights hit the spiders in a certain way, they look... flat.
Zippity Zap 	(chuckles)
==Dinner with Johnny==
 	At the dinner table, Johnny sings "That's Amore" for the Hannah sisters while Sal plays the accordion. They clap.
Johnny 	Beautiful. Well done. Thank you kindly.
Daryl 	That was great, Sal.
Sal 	Oh, thank you. Never had a lesson. Can't read a lick of music.
Page 	That's amazing.
Sal 	Well, thank you very much.
Johnny 	It's just an accordion. Heh heh. So, uh, isn't this fun? We're, we're out on a date at my house, and a home-cooked meal to boot.
Page 	Speaking of boots, this meat's really tough.
Sal 	Oh, no, that's not the meat, that's the raviola.
Daryl 	It's amazing how you decorated this place. I never knew there were so many saints.
Johnny 	Oh, that ain't the half of it, dear. Uh, you should see Ma's room. It's like walking into the Sistine Chapel. Heh heh.
Page 	You live with your mother?
Sal 	Yeah. Yeah. Johnny's been living with his Ma — lemme think-- for, uh... three, four — ever since he was born.
Johnny 	Yeah.
Daryl 	You're kidding. That sounds like kind of an unhealthy situation.
Johnny 	Oh, no, no. Ma keeps it very clean.
Sal 	Yeah, yeah.
Daryl 	I mean psychologically.
Johnny 	No, no. She remembers everything, my mother. Heh heh.
Daryl 	It really sounds like you're in denial.
Johnny 	No, no, I'm not. She rememb-- Oh, I, uh... Oh, I understand. No, no, you see, I've been livin' with Ma because, uh, well, uh, you know, she's old, she's very - very frail. Very weak.
 	Ma enters, shocked at what she sees.
Mama Fiama	Fabio! (walks over to dinner table, gasps) Va fa Napoli!
Johnny 	Ma?? Wha - wha - what happened to your frailness? You got very strong all of a sudden. What are you doing here?
Mama Fiama	Me? What are you doin' a-here with those-a two tomatoes?
Sal 	No, Mrs. Fiama, you got it all wrong. This is Page and Daryl Hannah. They're …
Mama Fiama	I know who they are! I see them in-a films! Oh, the things they do to those boys! Ohh!
Page 	Look, Mrs. Fiama, that's just play-acting.
Daryl 	Yeah. In real life, we would never--
 	Ma throws a rolling pin at them; it gets lodged in the wall like a dart.
Page 	(stands up) She's crazy!
Sal 	There's no stopping her now!
Daryl 	Let's get outta here!
Johnny 	(stops them) No! No! Don't go. Don't go. Don't go. I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Ma, now, now, now put down that frying pan this instant.
 	CLANG! She whacks Johnny, then aims her right hand at the sisters.
Mama Fiama	Malocchio! Malocchio!
Sal 	No, no, don't you putting the evil eye on these girls! They had nothing to do with any of this!
 	CLANG! She whacks Sal.
Page 	Oh, how dare you hurt an innocent little monkey?
Mama Fiama	Oh, don't you sass-a me!
 	She spins around and CLANG! She whacks Johnny again.
Sal 	She's crazy! Let's get outta here before she kills us!
 	Sal and the sisters run out.
Mama Fiama	Out-a! Out of my house-a!
 	Johnny gets up, dazed.
Johnny 	That's it, Ma! That's it, I've had it up to here! That's the last straw! And you know what? You're in denial... not me! And I'm movin' out of this house!
Mama Fiama	Wait, Johnny! Is something a-wrong?
Johnny 	Yes. Y-y-you're crazy! That's what's wrong. And –– I'm never comin' back, Ma! Never comin' back!
 	He exits the front door, and she throws herself against it. Johnny immediately reopens the door, knocking her over.
Mama Fiama	Oh, wait! Wait! Johnny! Oh, my Johnny! (sobs)
Johnny 	And you know what else? (looks around, doesn't see her) … Oh, great! Walk away! (exits)
==Tales from the Vet==
 	The camera goes down a dark, misty hallway, entering Dr. Phil's lab.
A. Ligator 	And now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(pops up, points) Hey-hee-hi-ho-YOU! Welcome to another blood-chilling installment of TALES FROM THE VET!
 	He notices the echo effect.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Mulch? Mulch, turn down the echo.
 	Mulch turns a dial on the machine.
Mulch 	(grunts)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	What? What do you mean it's stuck?
Mulch 	(grunts)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Well, then pull the plug, you nincompoop.
 	Instead, Mulch whacks the machine, getting an electric shock that sends him shooting upward.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Mulch? Mulch! Mulch! Mulchy! Oh! Ugh! Oh, why? (facepalms) Why did I let him talk me into using that stupid echo machine? Oh, yes, I remember. It was earlier today...
 	Ripple transition to earlier in the day. Dr. Phil wears a shawl over his coat.
Mulch 	(grunts)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	So you say that this echo machine will enhance the scariness of the show?
Mulch 	(nods, grunts)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Really? I don't know. Let me think about it for a moment.
 	Zoom in on the clock, as Jeopardy soundalike music plays. The clock's hands turn to 7:00.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	You know what?
Mulch 	Huh?
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Let's try it!
Mulch 	(rejoices)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	I'll go and introduce the show! (walks off)
Mulch 	(calls him back)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	What do you mean we have to do another dissolve before I can get back to the show?
Mulch 	(shrugs, explains)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	But - didn't the clock accomplish that?
Mulch 	(explains, points to the shawl)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Costume? Oh, yes. Alright, alright, alright! I don't want to spend all day arguing about it! (shoves him) Just go and dissolve!
 	Ripple transition back to the present.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh. Oh, now, where was I? … Oh, yeah. There was an explosion, And then Mulch flew high into the air. Okay, now I know where I was.
 	Mulch falls down onto Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Ow! Ow, Mulch. Mulch, you've cracked my clavicle!
Mulch 	(howls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	What do I care if your femur is fractured? I'll just replace the part. You're still under warranty.
Mulch 	(gets up, mumbles)
 	The doors close and the camera backs away.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh! Oh! Watch your language, Mulch. What? Did your mother raise you in a sewer? (Mulch attacks him) Ah! Ah! alright! Ooh!
==Backstage==
 	Clifford, exhausted, walks into the control room and sees a clothesline with hanging laundry.
Clifford	Man, these "take your mom to work" days are getting to me. Hey! What the-- whose laundry is this?
Johnny 	Oh, uh, uh, th-that's mine, Clifford.
Clifford	What?
Johnny 	Yeah, well, I - I find the heat of the control room and uh, the steam from Nigel's cappuccino, provides uh, a beautiful drying environment.
Clifford	But, Johnny, why can't you do it at home?
Johnny 	Uh, well, um... I've uh, I've made a decision to move out of Ma's home, Clifford. Uh, I'm living here now. I won't be in anybody's way.
 	The lights go dark. Nigel panics.
Nigel 	Aah! Aah! Clifford, Clifford, Clifford! What's going on?
Johnny 	Uh, oh, it's just my toaster there, Nigel. It happens sometimes. Sorry, everybody.
 	Johnny leaves, and the lights come back on.
Clifford	Oh, man, could things get any worse?
Sal 	(dressed as Ma) Johnny Fiama's-a Ma comin' through. Make-a way for me, Johnny Fiama's-a Ma!
Johnny 	Sal, what are you doing?
Sal 	I'm-a not-a Sal. I'm-a your Ma, Johnny. And I was-a wrong, and you were right, and I want-a you home-a right now.
Johnny 	(raises eyebrow) Sal?
Sal 	Yeah, Johnny?
Johnny 	Listen, uh, I, I appreciate your very sweet, but uh, very weird gesture, uh, but I, I just wanna be alone right now, huh? Just uh, just me and my thoughts. Excuse me.
Sal 	Oh. Alright.
 	Johnny walks into the hallway, thinking.
Johnny 	(thinking) Gee, I wonder how Ma's doin'. I - I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. You know, Sal's calves were sure lookin' shapely today. I - I wonder if he's working out.
Sal 	(thinking) Boy, Johnny sure is sad. There has to be some way I can get him and Mama back together again. (looks at himself) Gee, these support hose sure do make my calves look shapely. Beats workin' out.
 	He notices everyone staring at him.
Sal 	Did I just say that out loud?
==Bay of Pigswatch==
 	The opening title sequence plays. A. Ligator reads the title cards.
A. Ligator	Bay of Pigswatch. Starring David Hoggselhoff as Champ Schwimmer. Spamela Hamderson as Spamela. And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Shell.
 	Champ and Spamela ride a motorized inflatable raft.
Spamela 	Gosh, Champ, sure is swell of ya to give me this 3-hour tour of the bay.
Champ 	Whoa, no problemo, Spamela. I'm not sure about the weather, though. It seems to be getting a little rough.
Spamela 	Oh? It is?
Champ 	Hit it, guys.
 	Andy and Randy, sitting in the back, start making the boat rock.
Champ 	Oh! You feel that? Oh, our tiny ship being tossed. It's a storm!
 	Randy blows to simulate wind.
Spamela 	Gosh, what should we do?
Champ 	Oh, well, you should hold on tightly to me, Spamela.
Spamela 	Okay! (holds him)
Champ 	If not for the courage of the fearless, uh, me, our motor could be lost.
Spamela 	(shrieks)
Champ 	Quick! The motor!
 	Andy and Randy detach the motor, and themselves, from the boat. Champ watches them speed away.
Champ 	Well … that'll be next stop, desert isle.
 	Switch to Statler and Waldorf, watching the show and holding glasses of brandy.
Waldorf 	You know, this show reminds me of a glass of expensive brandy.
Statler 	Why's that?
Waldorf 	Because it's old, and it makes my head hurt.
 	They chuckle and toast.
==Letters==
 	At the Fiama home, Ma reads a letter that Sal holds.
Mama Fiama	Uh… are you sure Johnny wrote this letter to me?
Sal 	Yeah, yeah, every word.
Mama Fiama	But I can't read this monkey scratch-a.
Sal 	I'll read it for you. "Dear Ma, I'm so sorry I got sore at you and moved out." (they nod) "I feel worse than havin' a whole bunch of fleas and ticks, or eatin' a bunch of green bananas."
Mama Fiama	What does that-a mean?
Sal 	Oh, it means Johnny feels real bad. "Please come down to the studio so you and Johnny can make up. Love, Johnny." Oh, oh, oh. P.S. - "P.S., if I, Johnny, didn't write this, may I get struck by lightning."
 	Sal gets struck by lightning.
Mama Fiama	Oh, are you okay, little monkey?
Sal 	Yeah. I got to get down to the studio now, Mrs. Fiama. Oh, boy.
 	At the studio, later, Johnny reads a letter in his dressing room.
Johnny 	This looks like your writing, Sal.
Sal 	Well, she dictated it to me. She was so broken up, she couldn't even write.
Johnny 	Really?
Sal 	Mmm-hm.
Johnny 	"Dear Johnny, I'm so sad about what happened and you moving out. I feel like I fell out of a 100-foot coconut tree, and got beat up by a bunch of orangutans who were mad, 'cause I stole their green bananas." That's terrible.
Sal 	Yeah, you're tellin' me.
Johnny 	"I'm coming to the studio to make nice, and please give Sal a raise. Love, Mama. P.S. If mama didn't write this, may I be—"
Sal 	Oh, you know what, Johnny? Don't read that part.
Johnny 	Oh, alright. Well, I can't anyway. It's monkey scratch.
Sal 	Monkey scratch?! What do you mean? Give it to me. (snatches it) I can read it. "And P.S. If I, Mama, didn't write this, may I be swallowed whole by the earth." Oops …
 	Sal is swallowed whole by the earth, unbeknownst to Johnny.
Johnny 	I wonder what Mama meant by "Oops"?
==Backstage / The Eagle's Nest==
 	Eugene rubs Nigel's shoulders.
Nigel 	Okay, stand by to cue the next sketch, and uh, can somebody get me a …
Zippity Zap 	Oh, no no no no. Not another mocha-cocoa-cappuccino! I'm sick of gettin' those.
Nigel 	No, actually I just wanted a hug.
Zippity Zap 	Forget that. I'd rather get the coffee. Ha-ha-hey! (leaves)
Nigel 	(giggles) Works every time.
 	The opening music plays as the lights come on. Andy and Randy play with the table using their snouts as suction cups.
Sam the Eagle 	Good day.
 	He glares at the pigs, who take their seats. Mr. Poodlepants and Bobo giggle.
Sam the Eagle 	Ahem. It is time now for politics and punditry from The Eagle's Nest. I'm your host, Sam Eagle, and our topic today is, balancing the federal budget. Andy and Randy, how would you do it?
Andy 	Um, I really have to go to the bathroom.
Sam the Eagle 	(whispers) We're in the middle of a show!
Andy 	But I really have to go!
Sam the Eagle 	Alright, alright, go, go, go, go. (Andy leaves) Um, how would you balance the budget, Andy Pig?
Randy 	Oh, I'm not Andy, I'm Randy. I'll go get him.
 	Randy leaves; Sam facepalms.
Sam the Eagle 	Oh! Cokie Roberts doesn't do this to David Brinkley. Alright, let's move on. Mr. Poodlepants …
Mr. Poodlepants	(giggles)
Sam the Eagle 	… now, how would you balance the budget?
Mr. Poodlepants	Well, Mr. Eagle, I balance my budgie on my finger!
 	He displays a toy bird, which Bobo eyes.
Mr. Poodlepants	(giggles) Tweet tweet tweet …
Bobo 	Hmmm …
Sam the Eagle 	Not "budgie", you buffoon! "Budget"!
Mr. Poodlepants	♪ I'm a little budgie…
 	Andy and Randy come back, now more shaky.
Randy 	Mr. Eagle, Mr. Eagle, bird man? The bathroom door is locked.
Andy 	Yeah.
Sam the Eagle 	Well, you'll just have to wait!
Randy 	Yeah, we both gotta go now. (they shake more)
Sam the Eagle 	I told you two to cut back on your lemonade consumption!
Andy & Randy 	Oooh! (writhe)
Sam the Eagle 	Uh, Bobo the bear…
Bobo 	Yeah?
Sam the Eagle 	Balancing the budget. What say you?
Bobo 	Uh, well, as I see it, Sam, Congress has to make across-the-board, bipartisan spending cuts, approve a short-term middle-class tax cut and incorporate sunset and reauthorization provisions in all the new appropriations.
Sam the Eagle 	… That is astounding! How did you come up with that?
Bobo 	(shrugs) Oh, uh, a little birdie told me. (coughs up a feather)
Mr. Poodlepants	Hey, hey, where's my budgie?
Bobo 	Uh, I dunno.
 	Mr. Poodlepants gasps. Sam facepalms.
Sam the Eagle 	Join us next week, when our topic will be, endangered species.
Bobo 	Oh, oh, great, I'm starved. Heh heh.
 	The closing music plays as Mr. Poodlepants looks around.
=="You and Me Against the World"==
 	The Fiama house, late at night. Johnny enters the front door and sees Ma sitting on the couch, looking at a photo album.
Johnny 	Ma?
Mama Fiama	Huh? Johnny.
Johnny 	Ma, what, uh... What are you doing up so late, huh?
Mama Fiama	Oh, I can't-a sleep-a. (sigh)
Johnny 	(walks over to her) Listen, Ma, uh... I... I hope you understand that-- Well, I-- I feel that--
Mama Fiama	I'm-a your mama, Johnny. I understand-a. Here, sit down, eh?
Johnny 	(sits) Alright.
 	They both look at the photo album.
Mama Fiama	Oh, Johnny, remember, this-a picture, the first time you sang-a that song-a to me?
Johnny 	Yeah.
Mama Fiama	Sing it again, eh?
Johnny 	Right--right now, Ma? It's kinda late, huh, y'know.
Mama Fiama	Come on, do what I like-a, just-a for me.
Johnny 	Alright, for you, Ma.
 	Johnny sings "You and Me Against the World”, as the memory of each picture in the photo album is shown: first, at the circus, a clown knocks over Johnny's cotton candy, then picks it up and hands it back to Johnny, who says "No thanks”, then Ma starts attacking the clown. Second, at home, Ma serves Johnny a big plate of mac-and-cheese. Third, Johnny brings home a beautiful woman, and Ma scares her away just by looking at her. Fourth, Johnny and Sal watch TV late at night while Ma snores. Back in the present, Johnny finishes singing as Ma sleeps, and kisses her hand.
Johnny 	I love you, Ma.
Mama Fiama	(in her sleep) I love you, Johnny.
 	Sal enters, charred and smoking.
Johnny 	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Sal. Shh, huh? Ma's sleeping over here. (Sal limps over to him) Hey, uh, where you been, huh?
Sal 	I've been to the center of the earth and back for you two.
Johnny 	Ah, that's my stinky little monkey.
 	Johnny gives Sal a playful punch, then Sal winces and topples over.
==Epilogue==
 	The Fiama house, the next night. Mama carries some linens over to a door.
Mama Fiama 	Johnny, are you okay in there? You need a blanket?
 	Johnny Mathis opens the door, wearing a bathrobe.
Johnny Mathis	I'm fine, Mrs. Fiama. And thanks again for renting me this room.
Mama Fiama 	I can't-a believe I got a great singer like Johnny Mathis a-living with me! Hee-hee-hee.
Johnny Mathis	Are you sure your son's gonna be okay at the YMCA?
Mama Fiama 	Oh, he'll do just-a fine. Now, sing me that song, Johnny, the one I like-a, just for me.
Johnny Mathis	Oh …
 	He takes her hand and starts singing "Chances Are”, but she stops him.
Mama Fiama 	No, no, no, Johnny. Not that song. Sing-a "Misty” for me.
Johnny Mathis	Okay. But after that, I'm off to bed.
Mama Fiama 	(nods)
 	He sings "Misty” as she leans on him. The credits roll, and outtakes are shown of Johnny and Sal at home, Bay of Pigswatch, "Cue the Village Spiders”, and Sal reading the letter to Ma.
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Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts