Vesward Toskcullen

Vesward Toskcullen is the principle antagonist of the epic poem The Life and Times of Vesward Toskcullen, written and illuminated by Liam Peacock and originally published on Facebook.
==The Tale==
#Vesward Toskcullen began life as a bunch of balloons and paper taped together with love and masking tape...
#His metamorphoses into Vesward began when we decided to put a wig on a balloon. All balloons need wigs
#The land's finest chemists were called upon to concoct a paste from granulated starches and dihydrogen oxide...
#Which was combined with the balloons, paper and tape, to form…balloons and paper taped together and covered in paste!
#Vesward did not truly begin to take shape until Liam apparently killed Robert Pattinson, covered his face in newspaper, and brought his head into the kitchen to show it off. Frankly, we were worried about him…
#We dressed Vesward up in adorable little socks and mitts…
#Hey, that looks a little more like a…thing…now!
#He was given colour, because what's a vampire goalie worth if he doesn't sparkle?
#After we gave him a face, we also painted him a jersey, so he could wear the Maple Leaf with pride…
#Haha, no, we're messing with you. There's no pride in this jersey. What a shitty goalie. Seriously, someone post that 197 foot goal in the comments.
#And so the sacrifice is presented to the snappily dressed Phil. Will he be pleased?
#He likes it! Also, for humour's sake can we assume that Hearn is pointing his camera at nothing relevant at all?
#The beast was hung from the tallest tree in the yard…
#And a crowd gathered to witness the execution
#Phil prepared to strike, aided by neither vision, sobriety, or dignity.
#Having knocked the beast from the tree, Phil moved in for the kill...
#And strike he did, wielding the world's blurriest hockey stick!
#The beast was carved open, spilling its…hey, wait, are those pre-mixed shots and discount Easter chocolate? Sick!
#As was customary, the children of the village used the head in their road hockey games
#Good night, Mr. Creepyface.