Transcripts 2001-11

Transcripts from November 2001 strips.
==November 5==
Guy Fawkes Special
Panel 1Norman gives a big grin and waves to the camera.Caption (Norman): Hello there you festering sacks of capitalist lard! Many of you have sent e-mails to ask what is Guy Fawkes night (also known as bonfire night) all about and why we Brit's celebrate it instead of Halloween. Well the later question is easy. When choosing between looking like a twat while begging for sweets in a stupid costume over setting shit on fire, there's little contest! As for the former...Panel 2A caricature of Henry VIII sitting on a throne, wearing a crown, royal robe, and gold medallion, and looking grumpy.Caption: Well it really all started with the fat, ginger bastard, King Henry the 9th (yes THAT one). He was a bit pissed off with his old wife and wanted a divorce. However the Catholic pope said he couldn't. Henry's solution to this was to make his own religion up and kick all the Catholics out of the country and nick their stuff.Panel 3Caricature of Guy Fawkes looking stern.Caption: Because of that randy fat fuck, this has been the main cause of unrest in this country centuries later to the present day (Northern Island). Anyway, 80 years later in 1605, being Catholic wasn't something you advertised in England. If you did your life expectancy dramatically shortened. Catholics didn't like this much and one demolitions expert, Guy Fawkes, was one of them...Panel 4Guy Fawkes hefting a barrel into a cellar. Some ambiguous shapes fill the cellar, and a set of stairs leading up appear in the background. A lit torch is on the wall.Caption: He and a number of others were sponsored to kill King James and the rest of government by blowing up the houses of parliament with enough gunpowder to put a dent in the world (see why I love this guy?)Panel 5Guy Fawkes's decapitated head on a spiked fence. His eyes are Xs.Caption: However being caught, tortured, hung, drawn (having your guts pulled out and shown to you), beheaded and cut into bits and having his head put on a spike wasn't in the plan.Panel 6An extremely dumbed-down effigy of Guy Fawkes on a pole. Some fireworks appear in the background over the silhouettes of some houses.Caption: Fires were lit with effigies of Fawkes and the pope on them and fireworks set off as a big "fuck you" to the Catholic world. This became a national celebration for each November 5th. The effigies of "the guy" have gone now to be all pussy and PC, but the fires and fireworks remain. Now you know!
==November 9==
Panel 1Kingston and Norman are sitting on the couch, Kingston reclining on the armrest and Norman slouching over with a scowl. Richard shouts at them both from behind the couch.Richard: I've just seen the state of the downstairs loo! When was the last time you shit heads cleaned it?Norman: I dunno... when did we move in?Panel 2The camera pans around so Richard is on the right, looming over Norman on the left, who leans his head backwards to look at Richard.Richard: Oh you crabby bastards! That's revolting! Well then you'd better bloody clean it, because in your tenancy contract it states that you have to keep parts of my property presentable or be charged for cleaning, fixing or replacement!Norman: Well it's a good job we never signed anything isn't it?Panel 3Same camera view as panel 1, but Richard leans down with his arms draped over the back of the couch, a smug look on his face as Kingston and Norman shout.Richard: Actually, that's not *quite* true... You both did sign for that free case of beer a few months back without actually reading THAT contract didn't you...Kingston and Norman: BASTARD!
==November 12==
Single PanelKingston glares at Norman. Kingston is wearing an N95 mask, apron, and rubber gloves while carrying a toilet brush. Norman is wearing a gas mask, a bandolier of canisters (deodorizers?), and rubber gloves while carrying a spray bottle.Kingston: Norman, aren't we over doing it a little? We're only like, cleaning the toilet!Norman: Over doing it? That's rich from a guy who's been crapping in the garden for the last two weeks to avoid going in there!
==November 16==
Panel 1Richard is sitting and grinning while Anne (standing) stares to the right in disbelief.Anne: Richard, I'm going crazy or can I REALLY see Norman and Kingston trying to actually CLEAN something?Richard: It's true! I finally twisted their arms enough to get them to do some work and clean their loo! How are they doing?Panel 2Anne crosses her arms and glares as Richard turns his head to do the same. Broken cries of "AHHH AHHHH" appear from off-panel.Anne: Well it looks like Kingston has been snorting at least three can of air freshener and is as high as a kite, and Norman is making him freak out by squirting "Toilet Duck" at him!Richard: Really? I've got to hand it to them; they're doing better then I expected!
==November 19==
Panel 1Anne panics as Kingston runs up to her and grabs her shoulder, freaking out.Kingston: AHHHH! ANNE! HELP ME! There's this hideous monster in the downstairs lav' and it's after me!Panel 2Close-up of Kingston's hysterical face.Kingston: It's horrible! It has these huge teeth, its face is all horrifically distorted and it has nasty, evil, beady little eyes! It says it'll kill me if I don't be quite!Panel 3Anne gives Kingston a concerned look as he stares at her, floaty bubbles in front of his eyes.Anne: Kingston, that's Norman, your flat mate! Remember?Kingston: Oh yeah... Okay, what about that moving picture on the wall of Dylan from "The Magic Roundabout"? That creeps me out!Anne: That's called "a mirror"!
==November 23==
Panel 1A green tentacle monster climbs over the edge of the toilet.Caption: For some bizarre and highly implausible reason, a gateway to another dimension appears in the toilet Norman is cleaning...Panel 2The tentacle monster fully emerges, baring its beak and waving two magenta tentacles in the air.Caption: Through it comes a highly original, multi-tentacled beast, bent on destroying the world after doing loads of perverted things to Japanese schoolgirls with big eyes!Panel 3Norman's foot comes down on the apparently tiny tentacle monster with a "SQUISH" sound.Caption: It will devour the souls of the...Panel 4Norman, still wearing the cleaning gear from the prior comic, lifts up his foot and grimaces in disgust.Norman: Ew! What the fuck did I just step in?Caption: ...oh God, why do I bother?
==November 30==
Panel 1Norman has removed the gas mask but is sweating over the toilet he is cleaning, an exhausted expression on his face.Norman (thinking): Gah! I've been scrubbing this shitter for half an hour and it's still got an inch of lime-scale on it! I'm knackered!Norman (thinking): Time to get the big guns out me thinks!Panel 2Norman scowls as he pours the contents of a jug into the toilet with a "GLUG! GLUG!" sound. A shelf with a canister on it and a green towel hanging from a rack is on the wall.Norman (thinking) I haven't got a fucking clue what this stuff is but it smells like it can eat through lead!Panel 3Norman looks excited.Norman (thinking): Hay! This stuff is the business! It's dissolving all the lime-scale and all the other gunk at a right rate of knots! Look at that stuff go...Panel 4Norman starts to panic as a "FIZZZZZZZZZZ!" sound emanates from the toilet.Norman (thinking): ...straight through the lime-scale and start melting the enamel of the toilet bowl!
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