Playing with Fire

Playing with Fire is the thirty-second episode of Cult of Squid. It aired June 5th, 2020 and was written by Purple133.
== Plot ==
Squidward prepares the cult to fight off Satan and his army of demons, but is very nervous about how the battle is going to go down. So, he turns to the most unlikely of allies for help - the Feathered Friends.
== Transcript ==
(Episode opens with Squidward and Security walking to Zomp’s)
'''
Security: You sure this is the way?
'''
Squidward: Yeah, or at least this is where he was last seen. 
'''
(Security follows Squidward into a small building)
'''
Squidward: Anybody home?
'''
(Squidward notices a sign hanging from the ceiling that says “gone fishing”)
'''
Security: Now that’s messed up. You were friends with this guy?
'''
Squidward: Yeah, a lifetime ago. Anyways let’s see if he has any demon killing weapons.
'''
(Squidward rummages through a storage bin)
'''
Squidward: Nothing. 
'''
Security: It looks like he completely cleared out whatever weapons he had left.
'''
Squidward: Now why would he do that?
'''
(Sandy appears behind Squidward)
'''
Sandy: Because we ran him out of town.
'''
Squidward: Hey Security why does your voice suddenly sound so feminine?
'''
Security: No idea.
'''
Squidward: Is this one of those cliche moments where somebody dangerous is standing behind me and I don’t notice because i’m talking to you and chances are you’re now gone too?
'''
Sandy: Yeah, he’s been captured.
'''
(A bunch of fish have Security tied down)
'''
Squidward: Oh okay then. So what happened here?
'''
Sandy: Zomp tried to attack my posse so we ran him out of town. 
'''
Squidward: Is that so? Wow, what a jerk! So uh what happens to his weapons?
'''
Sandy: We took them.
'''
Security: Can you please untie me?
'''
Sandy: Hey wait just a darn minute. Squidward?!
'''
Squidward: Yes, that’s me.
'''
Sandy: You’re the reason the sea is in chaos right now!
'''
Squidward: Yeah, that’s me. 
'''
Sandy: Give me one good reason not to kill you and your friend here right now.
'''
Squidward: We need those weapons to stop Satan from plunging the sea into even more chaos.
'''
Sandy: Oh, okay. GET THEM GUYS!
'''
(Sandy’s posse attacks Squidward and Security; cut to Noseward in another vision)
'''
Candy Muffin: Hey Noseward the voice isn’t here today so I’m filling in!
'''
Noseward: I hate you.
'''
Candy Muffin: I know. Anyways you have three days.
'''
Noseward: Until what?
'''
Candy Muffin: The war is in three days.
'''
Noseward: Piss.
'''
(Cut to Squidward spinning a stool top to defend himself from laser bullets)
'''
Squidward: So I’m assuming these are Zomp’s weapons?
'''
Sandy: Yeah, you’d assume correctly.
'''
(Sandy puts on her Kung fu gloves and charges and Squidward, who dives under a table she slices in half)
'''
Squidward: AHHHHHH! SECURITY HELP!
'''
Security: I’m a little tied up at the moment.
'''
(Security is tied up in ropes)
'''
Squidward: SECURITY NOW ISN’T THE TIME FOR PUNS!
'''
(The Initiator appears)
'''
The Initiator: And I said to Buhdda, “are you kidding me? I’m not gonna sit under a tree to get enlightened, I’m gonna live life!” Can you believe this wa- oh hey Squidward where did you come from?
'''
Squidward: DUCK!
'''
The Initiator: Where?
'''
(Sandy kicks the Initiator into a table)
'''
The Initiator: OOF.
'''
Squidward: We’re doomed.
'''
Buff Jim: FEAR NOT BROTHER SQUIDWARD!
'''
Squidward: Jim?
'''
Buff Jim: You and Security never returned so Noseward gave me permission to bring some brothers to come find you. Now who are these hoodlums?
'''
Sandy: SCATTER!
'''
(Sandy and her posse run, but one of them accidentally drops a gun labeled “DEMON KILLER”)
'''
Squidward: Now that is convenient.
'''
Sister Yvonne: OMG Security are you okay?!
'''
Security: Yeah I’m fine, just a little tied up at the moment.
'''
Buff Jim: Security that was a horrible pun.
'''
Security: I try.
'''
Squidward: Let’s just go back to the cult with this weapon and see if Doctor Crayons can mass produce them.
'''
(Upon arrival at the cult Squidward notices an unconscious guard)
'''
Squidward: That’s just peachy. Can somebody bring him to the hospital wing?
'''
Security: Sure thing boss. 
'''
(Squidward walks inside the cult and sees the feathered friends standing in the main room)
'''
Squidward: Well well well if isn't the Feathered [dolphin noises]. Mind telling me why you’re back here? Didn’t you guys escape during the chaos the last few weeks have brought?
'''
SpongeBob: Yeah we did, but we returned because Sandy told us you guys showed up and Zomp’s and stole a weapon.
'''
Squidward: Yeah that’s true. We need it.
'''
SpongeBob: Why? So you can finally take us out of the picture?
'''
Squidward: No actually. We’re about to face off against the devil himself.
'''
Mr. Krabs: Alone?
'''
Squidward: Yeah I guess. Unless you guys want to help an old friend out?
'''
SpongeBob: Don’t call yourself my friend Squidward. What you did to the world we knew is practically unforgivable. But if we’re dealing with the devil himself here, us feathered friends will help.
'''
Patrick: Me too!
'''
SpongeBob: Not now Patrick.
'''
Squidward: Okay. I’m going to bring this weapon to Doctor C to see if he can make more. If you guys can use this book Noseward is about to administer, start painting and hiding devil’s traps around the lodge. We’re not letting a single one of the demons get out of here.
'''
Security: Uh Squidward if I may ask, why is that?
'''
Squidward: If they get out beyond here, anybody on the outside could get possessed and we’d have no way of knowing who is possessed when and where, and if our own men are possessed or not.
'''
Security: Oh, ok. I thought for a second it might be because you still care about the survivors.
'''
Squidward: Oh security you’ve such a jokester. 
'''
(Squidward walks to Doctor Crayon’s lab)
'''
Doctor Crayons: You want me to what?
'''
Squidward: Make a bunch of copies of this gun.
'''
Doctor Crayons: I can’t make copies of the gun but maybe get me a few rounds of bullets for it and then I can melt that down and make daggers.
'''
Squidward: That works.
'''
(Squidward goes out into the main room where everybody is painting devil’s traps all around)
'''
Squidward: SpongeBob, Patrick, and Noseward, please accompany me to Sandy’s Treedome. We need some clips of bullets.
'''
Noseward: All right!
'''
Patrick: Cool let’s go.
'''
(Cut to the group walking to Sandy’s Treedome)
'''
Noseward: So why do we need just bullets?
'''
Squidward: The good doctor is going to melt them down and create demon killing daggers for us.
'''
Noseward: OH okay.
'''
SpongeBob: So Squidward I’m just curious, what exactly did you do to incur Satan’s wrath?
'''
Squidward: I had the cult try and invade hell.
'''
SpongeBob: Yes but why?
'''
Squidward: Well seeing as we all might be dead in-hey Noseward how many days did that Muffin say until something happens?
'''
Noseward: Three.
'''
Squidward: Three days, then I guess I’ll tell you. There was another timeline where you guys beat the cult and we went to prison, but I struck a deal with the devil and now we’re stuck in this mess.
'''
Patrick: I don’t get it.
'''
Squidward: I did a bad.
'''
SpongeBob: Well as your former neighbor I say that you made a mistake.
'''
Squidward: I did. *sort of tearing up* I really did. I wish things weren’t the way that they are now. I’m the “bad guy”, you guys are the “good guys” and it’s all because I wanted the Cephalopod Lodge to be taken more seriously. Oh god, when I die I’m guaranteed to go straight to Hell with Satan.
'''
SpongeBob: Well I mean maybe by beating him you won’t be guaranteed a spot in Hell-
'''
Squidward: Yes I am SpongeBob. Please just stop giving me false hope, you know as well as I do that the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve DONE, there is no redemption for me.
'''
SpongeBob: Okay.
'''
Noseward: Hey guys we’re here!
'''
(Sandy and her guards emerge from the Treedome)
'''
Sandy: What are YOU doing here?
'''
Squidward: I know you guys hate me and all but I brought SpongeBob and Patrick just for some added help.
'''
Sandy: Really? I thought they were dead. I thought you already killed them.
'''
(SpongeBob and Patrick step out from behind Squidward)
'''
SpongeBob: Nope. We’re right here.
'''
Sandy: Huh? SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK!
'''
(Sandy drops her gun and runs to hug SpongeBob and Patrick)
'''
Sandy: SpongeBob and Patrick. I haven’t seen you two in YEARS.
'''
SpongeBob: Yeah we uh got a little lost in the chaos I guess.
'''
Sandy: So where are the others? Gary, Larry, Pearl?
'''
SpongeBob: Gary’s been at my house with a snail army. Or at least he was last I saw him. The only people still with us are Mr. Krabs and Plankton. We call ourselves the Feathered Friends.
'''
Sandy: Kind of a light hearted name considering we’re in a post societal breakdown brought on by mass genocide but okay, I’m glad at least they survived.
'''
SpongeBob: Yeah, me too. 
'''
Sandy: So uh I guess I’m obliged to help you now? Squidward just tell me what you want and please don’t use force.
'''
Squidward: I wasn’t planning to use force I just thought maybe seeing these two foods would make you more inclined to give us the things we need.
'''
Sandy: What do you need? And thank you for this honestly.
'''
Squidward: We need your demon killing gun bullet clips so they can get melted into daggers.
'''
Sandy: Why don’t you just take a couple guns?
'''
Squidward: That works too. Do you have anything else of Zomp’s to help defeat demons?
'''
Sandy: Yeah, we actually made some shields to protect against attacks.
'''
Squidward: All right!
'''
(Squidward, SpongeBob, and Patrick are gathering supplies when Noseward gasps)
'''
Noseward: Oh my god.
'''
Squidward: What is it Noseward?
'''
Noseward: Look. SANDY PUT THIS PLACE INTO LOCKDOWN RIGHT NOW!
'''
(Loud screeching can be heard outside; Squidward catches a glimpse outside of the Treedome and sees a massive black shadowy horde of demons flying toward the Treedome)
'''
Squidward: Well guys it looks like the final battle is about to begin. EVERYBODY GET DOWN NOW!
'''
(Sandy rushes to try and put up a barrier around the treedome but the glass shatters and a bunch of fish start getting sucked up into the demon storm)
'''
Squidward: Oh my god
'''
Sandy: NO!
'''
(Sandy grabs a demon killing gun and starts firing at demons but the bullets start deflecting back and raining down onto everybody still alive in the Treedome)
'''
SpongeBob: RUN!
'''
(Everybody starts sprinting away from the demon cloud but suddenly a flaming sword drops from the center of it)
'''
Patrick: What’s going on guys? I’m scared?
'''
(Squidward looks up in horror to see Satan descending from the opening in the demon cloud)
'''
Satan: Well Squidward I told you I’d be back, and you’ve been causing quite the ruckus lately.
'''
Squidward: I- how?
'''
Noseward: I thought we had three days!
'''
Satan: Kid listen, I’m the DEVIL. I LIED.
'''
Noseward: Yeah okay that does not surprise me.
'''
SpongeBob: So you’re him, the devil?
'''
Satan: In the flesh. Well not flesh, as I’m an archangel technically-yeah I’m not going to take the time to explain this all, I’m just going to kill you guys instead.
'''
Squidward: Hey, I thought we had a deal! I got my second chance and you wouldn’t kill me!
'''
Satan: What kind of deal is that? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA. Now let’s play a game I like to call “who dies first by fire sword?”. Any volunteers? No? Okay. SQUIDWARD! LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TODAY’S LUCKY CONTESTANT!
(Satan reaches the ground and as he picks up his fire sword the screen fades to black)
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