Pilot Quotes

:Michael: Ah, this is our receptionist Pam. [imitating Bam-Bam] Pam! Pam, Pam! Pam Beesly. Uh, Pam has been with us, um...for...forever. Right, Pam? 
:Pam: Well, I don't know.
:Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should've seen her a couple of years ago. Reow, Reow.
:Pam: What?
:Michael: Uh, any messages?
:Pam: Um...yeah. Just a fax.
:Michael: Oh. Pam, this is from corporate. How many times have I told you...
:Pam: I know...
:Michael: ...that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate?
:Pam: You haven't told me...
:Michael: It's called the wastepaper basket! [bawdy laugh]
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:Michael: [in front of Jan] Did we get a fax this morning?
:Pam: Uh, yeah, the one...
:Michael: Then why...why isn't it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication. Right? Just... [imitates gun firing] Um, so what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't, uh, why didn't I get it?
:Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
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:Michael: [talking head] What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
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:Michael: [talking head] People I respect, heroes of mine would be...Bob Hope. Um...Abraham Lincoln. Definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God...would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's, um...it's really beyond words. [mispronouncing] It's really incalcalacable.
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:Michael: And, yeah, Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
:Jim: [clears throat] Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because...I have always been your biggest flan.
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:Michael: Um, as you know, there's going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
:Pam: What? Why?
:Michael: Why? Well, theft. And stealing.
:Pam: Stealing? 
:Michael: Mm-hmm.
:Pam: Um, what am I supposed to have stolen?
:Michael: Post-it notes.
:Pam: Post-it notes? 
:Michael: Yeah. 
:Pam: What are those worth, like, fifty cents?
:Michael: Fifty cents, yeah. You steal a thousand Post-it notes at fifty cents apiece, and, you know, you've made a profit...margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
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:Angela: [talking about downsizing] I bet it's gonna be me. It's probably gonna be me.
:Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.
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:Dwight: [talking head] Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
==Deleted scenes==
:Michael: This is accounting, the numbers dudes. Do not let their job description fool you, they are all crazy! Especially that guy. [camera focuses on Kevin] He is a mental patient! Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is accounting.
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:Angela: [talking head] Oscar, how do I describe him? He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But I'm still the one who has to push it down.
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:Kevin: [talking head] I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me... cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
Category:Season 1 quotes