A Wolf in Alien's Clothing

The fifth episode of season three, and a great one! Enjoy!
==Script==
*(Rack and US are inside Town Hall.)
*Rack: Hey US! How are you-
*US: Ah, I'm so macho. (a fly comes, and US squishes it with one hand immediately) Didn't even see it coming.. Dep, can you get my purple mug with grape juice?
*Dep. Mayor: No.
*US: What's your deal, skirt?
*Dep. Mayor: It's my time of the month, okay?!
*(Dep. Mayor runs away.)
*US: Women. Oh, hey, Raclk. Didn't see you there.
*Rack: US, that wasn't very nice. He's been doing a great job since quitting his skirt wearing addiction!
*US: Raclk, Raclk, Raclk. You're too nice. Remember what happened when those aliens came?
*(A flashback appears; Two stereotypical aliens are knocking on Rack's door; Rack answers it.)
*Alien #1: Take us to your leader.
*Rack: Well okay. I can do that. I'll just sign up for a reservation to visit the White House. It's gonna take about six months and there's a good chance something will happen that will result in that reservation being canceled at some point or denied altogether. Okay?
*Alien #2: Forget these humans. Hey, I heard Mars has the galaxy's largest hoverboarding range. 
*Alien #1: Let's go! 
*(The flashback ends; we're now back to the present.)
*Rack: I just wanted to welcome them-
*US: Raclk, I'm your leader! Not that silly bearded guy with the tall hat from the bright house brigade! 
*Rack: You mean Lincoln? He died.
*US: OMG really?! Good, at least there's no one to challenge me now. 
*Rack: Um... a new President has taken over, twenty-eight times actually.
*US: What? How?
*Rack: Elections usually. Sometimes disease and crazy people too. 
*US: E-lec-tion?
*(NH suddenly barges into Town Hall.)
*NH: Excuse me, my supersonic hearing heard this convo. But anyway, what does it matter? I'll rule you all soon enough.
*US: But you already did that once, remember?
*NH: Darn it, reset button didn't work that time. 
*US: Wait a sec..... wanting to rule Earth, calling us humans, suddenly barged in with something he's never really had before, has a weird voice.... NY... is... an.... alien!
*NH: (jokingly): Yeah, I just ripped this skin off from some random wolf. Very comfy. 
*US: See Raclk?! He admitted! NY.... is... an.... alien! 
*Rack: You're right, he is!
*NH: (facepalms): I've got to stop joking like that.... now, if you excuse me, this wolf, mind you, is going to get away from you hu-
*(A "zipper" on NH is getting loose.)
*NH: Ugh, I hate it when this happens! How can a wolf live with this?! 
*(NH zips it up and leaves.)
*US: Did you see that, Raclk?! 
*Rack: I sure did! Let's spy on him so we can see who he really is!
*US: Ooh, stalking. Perfect! 
*(A montage plays of Rack and US spying on NH and observing his behavior.)
*NH: Now that that pointless montage filler is over, I can relax. 
*(Rack and US jump out of a bush.)
*NH: I knew you two were following me. What do you want?! 
*US: Come on, alien, tell us! Are you an alien? What's your home planet? Why are you here on planet Earth? Tell us, Mr. Zipper-thingy!
*Rack: Yeah, "alienie", I thought you were my doggie, but, (tear shedding) I guess not! 
*NH: (jokingly): Oh, perhaps you're looking for Old Man! He's from Nostalgica!
*(NH suddenly grabs Old Man out of nowhere and runs.)
*Old Man: Wha? I was just eatin' my prune cereal! You kids today and your teleportin' nonsense! Ruinin' our privacy! You're like the Life Alert people! Never leavin' me alo- (Old Man holds his stomach) Gotta go! Need to use a bush and old corn bye!
*(Old Man fast walks away.)
*Rack: Ew...
*US: Regardless that guy's grotesqueness, he has a point about the teleporting. Write it down, Raclk! 
*(Cut to NH, who is panting from running.)
*NH: I need these humans to stop following me. Rig! 
*(Rig pops up from NH's mouth.)
*NH: (muffled): How did you get in there?! 
*Rig: I was wondering if you were an alien. You really need to floss more.
*(Rig flosses NH's teeth.)
*NH: (muffled): Enough! 
*(NH throws Rig out of his mouth.)
*NH: Oh, I get it. You all think I'm an alien. Whatever. I don't need any of you! (zipper goes down) Darn it! Stop ruining my rants, metal-plastic-velcro thingy that's supposed to be helpful but causes me grief! 
*(NH walks away, with the top of the zipper falling down.)
*US: Alien! 
*NH: (voice only): Wolf! 
*(Cut to NH alone, outside in the woods.)
*NH: Ah, it's so hot today. (NH feels his fur on his forehead to wipe off sweat; the large clump falls off) 
*(Rack and US are hiding in a bush.)
*US: See Raclk?! His skin's starting to wear off and he's gonna reveal his true form!
*Rack: I'm gonna write this down! 
*(Cut to NH in Rack's house.)
*US: What sex are you, alien?
*NH: No thanks, I don't do that stuff.
*US: (rolls eyes): No, I mean, what gender are you? 
*NH: Find out yourself. 
*(US stares at NH's crotch (the crotch being obscured by US, of course)).)
*Rack: Uh, do you know what it is now?
*US: In a minute..... 
*NH: (looks at nonexistent watch): Yeah...... I've got things to do, so...
*US: No! 
*Rack: Any minute now or....
*US: I'm almost done, okay?! 
*NH: (jokingly): Jeez, maybe I should start wearing clothes. 
*(US finally gets up.)
*US: No! Stay like that! That's too glorious to conceal! 
*NH: Um.... thanks? Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go somewhere where people aren't violating my personal space... literally. 
*(NH walks away.)
*US: Hey, Raclk, can I-
*(Rack runs away, screaming.)
*US: -Borrow your clipboard.
*(Cut to NH relaxing in a red robe, wearing reading glasses, having a pipe that blows bubbles and a newspaper.)
*US: You're gonna wear clothes now? Aw....
*NH: No, you buffoon! I wore this robe in episode 3, remember? Plus, I can still feel the breeze. (winks)
*US: No fair! I wasn't in that episode! 
*NH: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't truly killed off.
*Rack: Oh, yeah, he wore it also in episode 4.1.
*US: Wha? Four point one? That's not a number, silly Raclk. 
*Rack: No, I mean the first ever SOR segment. 
*NH: Yeah, that sucked. 
*Rack: Hey! At least I succeeded in mine while you didn't in yours!
*US: Anyway, before the fans grow tired of us talking about old episodes...
*Rack: You mean over there?
*(Rack points to literal fans, blowing.)
*US: (rolls eyes): Before this becomes repetitive..... why are you suddenly wearing it now if you haven't in ages? 
*NH: Well, something happened one day.
*(A flashback begins.)
*US: (voice only): Oh, come on!
*NH: (wearing robe): Good morning, Rack! I made you breakfast! I didn't know what you wanted so I made you all the stereotypical breakfast meals! I also got the pulp out of your orange juice and also squeezed the oranges myself! (touches Rack's nose) Boop. 
*(NH walks away.)
*Rack: ........Who was that and what have they done with my dog?
*(Flashback ends.)
*NH: Now, if you excuse me, I have a job to attend to.
*(NH walks away.) 
*US: NY has a job? NY never had a job before... stalk tiiiiiiime!
*(Cut to NH working at a fast food place.)
*NH: (wearing fast food hat): Ugh, how can humans eat this slop? Hm. 
*(NH tries a taste of the deep fryer.)
*NH: Blegh! 
*Drive-Thru Person: Hey, fresh meat! Don't taint the fryer! Now we gotta get a fresh batch. 
*NH: Sorry, sorry!
*Drive-Thru Person: Look here, smartbutt. Now, I, the worker going through puberty, am now manager of this here joint, you're gonna follow what I say, got it?! 
*NH: Yes, sir! 
*Drive-Thru Person: Be grateful! Otherwise, I'm gonna make you start wearing clothes if you screw up again! 
*NH: Y-yes, sir.
*Drive-Thru Person: Good.
*(NH is snickering about the manager's voice behind his back; The manager looks at him, thinking he heard something, but NH stops snickering; once the manager leaves, NH continues it.)
*(Rack and US are in front of the drive thru, spying on NH; honking is heard in the background.)
*US: Alien! Everyone on Earth loves grease! 
*Rack: We should keep investigating.... plus people are getting antsy. 
*(A chainsaw is thrown.)
*(Cut to NH feeding squirrels.)
*Rig: Now, remember, you're recovering....
*NH: (has an acorn): Here.... you..... go..... Jimmy. 
*(Jimmy hugs him and gnaws on an acorn.)
*Rig: Yay! You beat your addiction! 
*NH: I think I died inside. 
*(Rack and US are hiding in a tree.)
*Rack: Wow, NH quit eating squirrels?!
*US: Alien. 
*(Cut to NH trimming his toenails.)
*NH: About time I trimmed these bad boys! 
*(Rack and US are, amazingly, hiding in a lamp.)
*Rack: Wow, last time he tried trimming them, he was bleeding! Uh.... US?
*US: Lamp...... I love lamp.... 
*(Cut to NH looking at his tail.)
*NH: Oh, hey parasite. 
*(Rack and US are spying from a window in Rack's home.)
*Rack: No way! He always chases his tail! 
*(Cut to NH, with, surprisingly shiny teeth.)
*Rack: Wow, your teeth aren't green?!
*NH: So?
*US: (whispers to Rack): Alien.
*(Cut to NH with a radio.)
*NH: Ygydveuuuuuuuuuuugk. Tdgvd fgdeuwgk. Cygfvvuk.
*(Rack and US are hiding behind his lab door.)
*Rack: He's not even speaking English anymore...
*US: Oh no! Raclkkkkkkk! He's in the final stages of his transformation!
*Rack: You're right! We gotta keep researching! 
*NH: Ggydduk?
*(Rack and US scream, running away.)
*(Cut to NH at the park; an unidentified flying object passes by.)
*NH: Hello there, brethren! 
*(Rack and US are spying on top of a house.)
*US: UFO! UFO! Alien! Alien senses kicking in! 
*Rack: Ssh! He's gonna hear-
*US: Aliens don't have ears!
*NH: (voice only): I can hear you with my supersonic hearing...
*US: Darn him and whoever that attractive wolf's ears were! 
*(NH points at a planet a-la "E.T.: The Extraterrestrial".)
*US: That's it! We gotta stop him!
*(Rack is yanked by US and they both jump down.)
*US: Look, extraterrestrial, we know who you truly are!
*Rack: Yeah! We got proof! 
*NH: Oh, you guys still think I'm an alien?
*(NH laughs hard.)
*US: You're not gonna pass it off as a joke! Raclk and me saw everything!
*Rack: Rack and I. 
*US: Stop judging me!
*NH: Oh, am I? Okay then, show me this "proof", but I have a feeling it's gonna pretty much spoonfeed everyone what's already happened. 
*US: Don't ruin it!
*Rack: Well, for starters, what about that zipper? 
*NH: Ugh, don't remind me about that! Thanks to yet another error by Rig, that part of my fur's gone and now I need a stupid zipper!
*Rig: (pops up out of nowhere): Guilty as charged!
*NH: Rig! Where were you most of this episode?
*Rig: I was gettin' mah makeup from the dump. I gotta look "purdy".
*NH: (sniffs): Yes, your demented version of "pretty".
*US: Okay, but how did you teleport that gross old dude we hang out with?
*NH: Cartoon logic. Very handy. 
*Rack: Oh, yeah? Well explain your fur falling off!
*NH: Did you idiots happen to know that it's shedding season for us wolves?!
*(More fur falls off.)
*Rack: Oh....
*US: You look better with fur on, NY. So what's with the robe?! You've always hated clothes! 
*NH: (wearing it): I explained that one already! What, I can't relax? I can't preserve modesty once in a while? Fine! (rips his robe into pieces, now truly nude) Are you happy now?
*US: ......Yes.....
*Rack: ........Anyway, since when did you have a job?
*NH: You never asked. Plus, how on Earth-
*US: Alien.
*NH: .......How on Earth could you think I could afford all that without any money?
*Rig: He gets most of it at the dump. 
*NH: Rig! That was suppose to be a secret! 
*Rig: Too late for that, don't ya think? 
*NH: .......Anyway, I use the money to either fix those up (looks at Rig) and, if I save up enough, buy ones straight from the store. 
*Rack: How can you buy that so quickly? They must cost a fortune.
*NH: I take some money from your wallet.
*Rack: I knew it!
*US: How did you quit eating squirrels?
*NH: Wha? I didn't quit! 
*Rig: B-but I thought you were recovering and ended it by feeding Jimmy.
*NH: (laughing): Kids. Listen, I was kidding. You guys seriously need to learn jokes. When you weren't looking, I ate your precious Jimmy. He was very salty, just the way I like them! 
*Rig: Jimmy!
*NH: What else?
*Rack: What about trimming your toes?! You couldn't do that before!
*NH: Jeez, I can't have at least a little hygiene?
*US: Fine, but what about your tail? I thought you like to destroy that thing!
*NH: Eh, I just didn't feel like chasing it today. But now that you mention it.... 
*(NH howls while chasing his own tail.)
*Rack: What about your teeth?
*NH: (still chasing tail): Huh? (stops) Oh! Dentures. Me and Old Man wanted to trade teeth for a day. He wanted to be like George Washington and ranted about almost being President or whatever. Although I kinda regret making the trade... I don't wanna know what this black stuff was that he was chewing....
*(The four all shudder.)
*US: How about that gibberish you were saying to the radio?
*NH: Oh yeah! I was testing my ham radio I found at the store. I just like to speak in gibberish to see how it sounds when recorded.
*Rig: (muffled): And what a ripoff! It doesn't taste like ham at all!
*NH: ......Never mind.
*Rack: But hey, why were you waving at that UFO?
*NH: UFO....? Oh! That was a frisbee!
*US: .......So why were you waving at it? 
*NH: Oh, that..... I guess that's my darn dog relatives kicking in... (rubs back of head, in embarrassment)
*US: Okay, I guess you have fair excuses for all of those, but why were you touching that planet drawing a couple minutes ago? You were clearly phoning home, ready to shed your wolf skin and go back home! 
*(NH falls down, laughing hard.)
*US: See? He's not denyin'!
*NH: (crying from laughing): Now, I admit, you don't see that every day, but all I was doing was cleaning a spec of it since Rig.... uh, had some constipation issues and that was where it landed. 
*Rig: You can thank Old Man's prune cereal! 
*Rack: Wow..... so, all of that.... wasn't alien stuff?
*NH: Nope.
*US: And... those.... all.... had... rather cartoon-esque explanations?
*NH: Yep.
*Rack: But.... how... impossible. 
*NH: Welcome to the world of cartoons. 
*US: So... wait.... that..... oh so very glorious.... thing is yours?
*NH: Yeah......?
*US: Marry me! 
*(Cut to Dep. Mayor hiding on the outside of the building, crying.)
*NH: Yeah, I'm just gonna go now... 
*Rack: Okay, just making sure.... you're not an alien. 
*NH: Nope. I do admit those are suspicious, but not an alien. I do like them, though.
*US: And you're a wolf, right?
*NH: Riiiiight..... well, it's been a long day with your stalking and such, so I'm gonna hit the hay. See ya later. 
*(NH walks away, yawning.)
*Rack: It's only 5:00.
*US: Wait! Come back, my love!
*Rig: Wanna play Go Fish?
*US: Sure, why not?
*(Cut to NH preparing to go to bed on his web; only NH's shadow is seen here.)
*NH: (voice only, something drops down): Ah, finally! Now I can breathe! Those silly humans, thinking I'm an alien.... they'll never find out what I am.
*(The shadow of NH maniacally laughs.)
*THE END....?.
==Credits==
===Starring===
*Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
*New Heathera as NH
*Utter solitude as US
*Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
*Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
*Old Man as Old Man
*Drive-Thru Person as Drive-Thru Person
*Aliens as Aliens
*Squirrels as Squirrels 
*People at Drive-Thru as People at Drive-Thru 
===Writing===
*Written by: New Heathera, Rackliffelikespurple and Kait Dunlap
===Thanks===
*To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.
*To Kait Dunlap for writing a fanon before she got hired as a staff writer and that inspired the "Where do you get the money?" part.
==Other==
I really love this one; I feel it's very creative and we all (well, mainly just me and NH XD) enjoyed writing it; as for whether NH is actually an alien or not, well, we'll see. ;)
Thanks for reading! :D
Category:Episodes