Skit in my Pants

The seventh chapter of Total Drama Tokyo, posted on March 26, 2012.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama Tokyo, the contestants did some weird Pokemon-type LARP thing. I don't even really know how to describe it. Puck won for the Dh-- oh, wait, no, he didn't. I really don't remember who won, or what team, but the Fish Tails lost for the second time in a row, and what do you know, it was a double elimination! They decided to boot out Shawn, who did really badly in the challenge, and for some reason, Ari. Poor old Tolkien, but at least he got the girl of his dreams! Well, kind of. She gave him a really rare trading card and kissed him for a split second. This recap is getting long, so let's see what happens next, on Total... Drama... Tokyo!"
The Fish Tails are in their dorm. Tolkien and Julian are playing video games.
"So, we're really the only guys left on this team?" asks Tolkien.
"Yeah, unless, you know, Yuri is hiding something else from us," says Julian.
"Man, I miss Ari," says Tolkien. "She was really nice. And she, like, understood me or whatever."
"Maybe you could teach me your nerdy card game thingy. I might be good at it," says Julian.
"No thanks, I'm not in the mood. Besides, you're already crappy at this video game," says Tolkien.
Julian scoffs, then gets up and goes to his room. "I feel like takin' a nap. Later."
Tolkien says in the confessional, "Maybe I should just quit. Without Ari, I feel pretty empty. Sigh..."
Roz is lying in bed, slumped over. Julian walks in.
"Hey, I thought this was my room. What are you doing?" asks Julian.
"Imissarrrrrriiiiii," says Roz sadly.
"You know, just because one person is gone, doesn't mean this team has to turn into a depress-a-palooza. Let's pretend that, uh, Estrella is Ari. A'ight? It'll be just as good," says Julian.
Estrella walks in with a book. She sits down. Julian tosses her a can of hair dye and one of Ari's outfits. "Go crazy."
"What are you doing?" asks Estrella warily. "I'm not Ari, you know. Or, at least I hope you know."
"Be Ari. Just for today," says Roz.
"No," warns Estrella. "I'm not in the mood."
"Look, kiddo, do you wanna get eliminated and put in a bodybag?" says Roz angrily.
"All right, fine, but just for today. If I have to do it any more, I'll be super angry. Even more so than I already am. This is your warning," says Estrella, and she leaves.
"Wow, she didn't really seem that happy..." says Julian.
"YOU DON'T SAY," says Roz obnoxiously.
Yuri walks in. Her eyeliner is dripping, and she doesn't look very pleasant.
"Oh my god, what happened to you, Yuri?" asks Julian, shocked.
"Shawn is gawn," says Yuri. "What am I supposed to do now?!"
"Maybe you could try acting like a normal person," says a small voice.
Yuri looks around angrily. "Who said that?"
"C'est moi, mademoiselle," Estrella walks out, dressed as Ari. "You know, I should start being nice now."
"You really should," says Julian. "You know, you look hot dressed as Ari."
"Oh, go--" Estrella's inappropriate language is censored.
Tolkien walks in. "LOL, Estrella, is that you?"
"Yes, it is. Can I stop being Ari now?" she whines.
Roz gives Estrella a death glare and pulls out a knife.
"All righty then, I guess I'm still Ari," says Estrella. "...Hee-hee."
The Dharmas are in their dorm, as well.
Kai is sitting down on his bed. "So, guys, what is the opposite of down?"
"Brown?" guesses Isabel.
"Uh, I was actually just trying to say 'what's up' coolly. But that's all right, I guess," says Kai.
"All righty then," says Isabel. "Hee-hee!"
"Hey, Charles, I want an Oompa Loompa," says Layla.
"But, Layla, they are not real," says Charles.
"I don't care. Get me one NOW," says Layla.
"What am I supposed to do?" asks Charles. "I cannot get you something that does not exist."
"5... 4... 3... 2..." begins Layla. Charles starts to sweat, then runs away.
"That's more like it. I freaking love Charles," says Layla.
"You know, you're kind of a jerk to him," says Neal.
"Kind of?" asks Kai skeptically.
"You guys tell me that every day, but I really don't care. He's a jerk to me. He never gets me the stuff that I want. And since I'm rich, and pretty, by default I deserve to get everything I want," says Layla snootily.
Kai rolls his eyes, takes out a pack of gum, and begins to chew it.
Delia is sitting in the corner, listening to screamo that can be heard extremely loudly, even though she is wearing headphones.
"Hey, creepy girl, want to turn that down?" asks Layla angrily.
Delia takes off her headphones, pauses the music, and stares at Layla intimidatingly. "Excuse me?"
"I said, kill the music. It's loud," says Layla angrily.
Delia looks at Layla, seething with rage. "Well, I want to listen to it. So, screw you."
Layla begins to laugh. "Did you just sass me?"
Delia just scoffs, and then returns to listening to her screamo.
Charles walks in, with Suzuki who is wearing a green wig.
"Hai, hai," says Suzuki.
"That is not an Oompa Loompa!" yells Layla. "Charles, you annoy me so much!"
"I do not try to be annoying. I try my hardest to be a good citizen. But oh, well, if you think I am annoying, maybe that's something I should work on," says Charles.
"Well, duuuuuh," says Layla.
Delia says in the confessional, "Layla is a horrible person. Unless she wants to have fun burning in the depths of Hell, she better be nicer to me. Which may or may not happen."
The Tanukis are chilling out in their dorm.
"Whooo! It's a party, let's have some fun, guys!" says Puck from in bed. "Turn up th' music, Horatio!"
"What is he talking about?" asks Casey.
"I don't even know. I think he's asleep or something. Let's just humor him and let him sleep," says Vivienne.
"That Puck dude is kind of annoying," says Thomas.
"You know who's more annoying? That Thomas guy. I hate him," says Horatio.
"Hey!" says Thomas, offended.
"See, people don't like it when you make fun of them," says Horatio coolly.
"Asajieurcywjystrejtguherbtshacvhswrsndgryvt, djrrsgbrzgsdyvxrhtnsadhyvncn, mskoaritsjvnir," says Puck in his sleep, rising up from bed and stumbling around the room.
"All right, now he's just speaking gibberish. Time to put the duct tape over his mouth," says Casey.
Thomas takes out a roll of duct tape and puts it onto Puck's mouth. He falls asleep silently.
"Hey, where could Flora be?" asks Horatio.
Flora is right next to Horatio.
Flora says in the confessional, "All right, I'm sick of being ignored. Seriously, what's so boring about me? I'm just like Vivienne! Except she has some personality..." Flora bursts into tears.
Puck then gets up from the ground and makes a dry gasping sound.
"What's he doing now?" asks Thomas.
Puck then picks up Casey and throws her at Thomas. Casey screams.
"What the crap, Puck?!" yells Casey.
"Ow, my kidney!" says Thomas.
"Dajcwbsjvtthvhyrdtn," says Puck.
Horatio stands up and gets close to Puck. "I may be a pacifist, but I have no choice." He then slaps Puck in the face.
Puck wakes up. "What the puck just happened?" he asks woozily.
"Were you drunk on ice cubes again?" asks Thomas.
A flashback is shown to the night before. Everyone is asleep. Puck runs downstairs and shoves a whole tray full of ice cubes into his mouth, and swallows them. He then puts some more into a blender, and eats them too. He gets all woozy and passes out.
"...no," says Puck.
"Okay. Whatever you say. I guess I should believe everything you say," says Casey.
Chris comes in. Everyone looks at him, he points to the door, and they all follow him outside.
"Well, hey campers, did you guys have a good sleep? Not that I care. Ha. Anyways, today's challenge should be pretty familiar, it was used in Total Drama World Tour! And no, it wasn't human pinball, it's the Chef's Total Drama Yum Happy Go Time Candied Fish Tails challenge... of celebration fun," says Chris.
"That was my favorite challenge ever! I love fish tails!" says Puck.
"Who doesn't? Anyways, you guys probably know what to do, all you have to do is prepare a skit advertising the fish tails. So, it's basically Take a Skit from last season, except you have to have something referencing the fish tails," says Chris. "You guys can also pick a contestant from past seasons to help you guys with the skits. Now, disband!"
"Ooh, guys, let's choose Dolph. That guy was epic. And I'm sure he knows all about skits," says Thomas.
"Did somebody say Dolph?" says a British voice. Bubbly Japanese pop music begins to play as Dolph swoops down on his Nyan Cat, this time he has extremely long hair and no hat on.
"Whoa, Dolph, you're here. Wanna think of an idea for our skit?" asks Thomas.
"I'm sure we can think of it by ourselves if we put our minds to it," says Horatio calmly.
"No, we can't," says Casey angrily. "Let this weirdo do it for us."
"First of all, I don't really like being called a 'weirdo', even though I am one. Second of all, I have an idea for you all. Who's ever heard that one cover of that Sheepyay song by Run On The Moon? Where five people are playing one guitar? That very much captured my imagination, and I would like to do it with you all," says Dolph.
"Well, I don't really know how to play a guitar, and I'm good at lighting and stuff, so could I do that? I can make my own smoke bombs," says Vivienne.
"I'll do the camera," says Flora dejectedly.
"Ooooh. Who's gonna be Beard Guy?" says Dolph.
Everyone looks at Puck. Puck shrugs. "I don't even know what this video is, but it sounds chill."
Dolph hands Puck a black beanie and a blatantly fake black beard. "Here you are, mate. Put on the beard."
Puck puts on the beard, beanie, and a black shirt. "Also, I don't know how to play the guitar. Except for, like, a clinky noise."
"You were meant to be Beard Guy," says Thomas.
"I really don't even know what you guys are talking about, but a'ight," says Puck.
"I'll be the second guy, the one next to Puck, who sings most of it," says Thomas.
"I shall be the one in the middle who hits all of the high notes," says Dolph.
"I'll be the girl," says Casey. "I can kinda sing, I guess."
"And I guess I'll be the drummin' guy on the left," says Horatio.
The camera zooms to the Fish Tails, who are thinking about their play idea.
"Maybe we should do a take-off of Total Drama: Revenge of the Island. That would be pretty fun," says Tolkien.
"No, it wouldn't," says Julian.
"Hey, I'm just trying to help!!" says Tolkien angrily.
"By the way, where's Estrella?" asks Julian.
Estrella is talking to Delia. "All right, here's the deal: you get your team to collaborate on a skit with us, and we'll go easy on you during the merge."
Delia pushes Estrella away, angrily.
Estrella returns. "I was using the restroom. DO NOT question me."
"Okie-dokie. So, ROTI take-off it is?" asks Tolkien.
"Sure," says Estrella. "Where are Roz and Yuri? And who will be who?"
Roz and Yuri come out dressed as Zoey and Dawn respectively.
"Greetings, citizens of the universe," says Yuri, in a voice 1000000 times higher than her normal (already high) voice.
"I'm boring and have no personality!" says Roz. "Like Flora times a billion!"
A voice from the other set says "Hey!"
Julian comes out with different clothes, a hat on, and many, many pillows in his shirt.
"Why couldn't you be someone closer to your weight, like Cameron or something?" inquires Estrella.
"..." says Julian.
"He's trying to get into his personality," says Tolkien, with a blue shirt and hair slicked upwards.
"Hey, you're one to talk. You look nothing like Mike. Sam could work more, you just have to put some of those pillows in your shirt," says Roz. "I wonder who Estrella's gonna be?"
"Speaking of which, where's that air pump we were gonna use for the hot air balloon?" asks Tolkien.
"Meh, we probably lost it," says Roz. "I actually didn't do anything this time."
A gigantic round thing comes out wearing pink. It looks like Estrella, but with inflated clothes that are so large they are shaped like a beach ball. She waddles to the others.
"Yah," she says.
"..." says Julian.
"I'm sorry, but I just lost all respect for you. And I used to be scared of you, but not anymore," says Tolkien.
"My great-great-uncle Kirby invented the words 'shut up', ever heard of them?" asks Estrella.
"All right, guys, let's rehearse. How do we start?" asks Tolkien.
"Dawn says that fish tails are good for the bones," says Roz. "Then, Staci says that fish tails are her uncle Henry's favorite snack. And Mike and Zoey kiss for some reason. Ready?"
"Wait, so I have to kiss you...?" asks Tolkien.
"Yes," says Roz.
Tolkien says in the confessional while hyperventilating, "EEEEH! Sorry... Ari... Ugh, what am I supposed to do? Roz is soooo hot, but Ari is... Eeeeh." He turns white, and passes out.
"..." says Julian.
"I can read his aura, and he is sweating his butt off in his costume," says Yuri in her high voice.
"Well, so am I, and do any of you care? NO," says Estrella.
The Dharmas are not doing very well.
"Do you think Chris will notice if we don't have a skit?" asks Neal. He glances around the room.
"Ugh, you guys are so stupid!" yells Layla to Charles and Isabel. There is an empty bag of Fish Tails next to Charles.
"Abracanoodles," says Kai, and he turns a microwave into a Cold Pocket.
Delia is sitting there, planning someone's death.
"Charles, you really ATE the Fish Tails?" yells Neal, walking up to him.
"Yes, I was feeling peckish. My stummick was havin' the rumblies that only some yummy ol' Fish Tails could satisfy," says Charles.
"Hmm, okay, let's just not have a skit. See how pissed Chris gets," says Neal.
"The only person who's getting pissed right now is you... Calm down," says Kai.
"I don't want to calm down, all right?" asks Neal. "I'm angry."
"Hush," says Delia.
"All right, then. We need a skit," says Neal.
"What I really need right now is some chicken. CHARLES!" says Layla.
Charles is playing with a balloon animal.
"Eh?" he asks.
"Go to Mickey D's and get me some chicken, pweese?" asks Layla.
"Sure, fine, whatever," says Charles. He takes Dolph's Nyan Cat and leaves.
"Wait, a sec. I remembered that we can get a former contestant to help us! Maybe that will work. Who do you guys think should do it?" asks Kai.
"Probably someone who's good with skits, I guess," says Neal.
"So, that would be Oc--" says Layla.
"Arthur," says Isabel.
"HEY, HEY, HEY," yells a voice, and Arthur then breaks through the wall due to his girth.
"Isabel, you idiot. Why would you summon Arthur?" yells Layla.
"Heehee. 'Cause he's funny. I like how fat he is," says Isabel.
Arthur shakes his moobs. "I am not fat. I am morbidly obeeeese. So, what did you need me for?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all," says Neal.
"Well then, why did you summon me?" asks Arthur. "Are you saying that I wasted twenty seconds of my life coming here?"
"Yes," says Delia.
"A'ight. I'm out," he says, and he leaves.
"Wait, we can use you fo--" says Kai.
Arthur walks out of the hole that he broke in the wall.
"Great, thanks a lot, Delia," says Layla.
"You just ruined our entire thing," says Neal.
Delia stares at everyone menacingly.
"All right, let's blame it on someone else..." says Kai.
They all see a random intern walk by.
"That intern!" says Layla.
"That intern is so stupid. I hate him," says Neal.
The intern looks at them, then begins to bawl.
"Aww, poor intern-y!" says Isabel.
She runs over to the intern and pats his head.
"My life is already essentially a piece of crap," he says.
"Uhhhh..." Everyone backs away from the intern.
"Go on. Leave me alone. Let me bask in this sorrow," he says melancholy.
"I know a good psychiatrist..." says Layla.
"All right, man, I'll be sure to go there," says the intern. He winks, then hops away gleefully.
"What just happened?" asks Kai.
"All right, we're completely screwed, Arthur left us, and we have no skit," says Neal.
"Cool story, bro," says Layla. "Don't be a jerk."
"Remember when Team Amazon didn't have anything, then they came from behind and won? That may happen," says Kai.
Layla makes a loud scoffing noise. "Pshaw."
Charles walks back with a bag of chicken.
"Here is the chicken you wanted so badly," says Charles.
"Ohh, I'm not hungry anymore. You're so incompetent!" yells Layla.
Charles curls up into a ball and rolls around on the floor.
Meanwhile, not much is getting done with the Tanukis.
"Heeey, daddy-o's, what's chillin' with the fillin'? Are all you cool cats and hipsters having a chill old time, diggity-dig?" says Puck.
"Puck, you're not cool. You never will be cool. Don't try to act cool," says Casey.
"You know you secretly have a crush on me, lady-love," says Puck.
"You're right. Come here, you," says Casey.
Casey violently kisses Puck.
"I wish I was her..." says Vivienne.
"Eww, you like Puck?" asks Thomas.
"No, I just wanna kiss a guy..." says Vivienne.
"Well, you could, uh, maybe try to kiss me..." says Thomas.
"Eww, no," says Vivienne.
"Poor li'l Small Boy Thomas. Always so small," says Horatio.
"Dude, I'm taller than you," says Thomas.
"I like cookies," says Flora. "Do you?"
"Yeah," says Thomas. "Why?"
"I brought some. I made them at home," she says gleefully.
Flora takes out a tray of cookies. "Voila."
Puck stops kissing Casey.
"Heehee, your beard is tickly," says Casey.
Puck takes one look at the cookies, then violently scarfs them down.
"Uh, all righty, then," says Flora.
"Puck, you sick, twisted lad," says Thomas angrily.
"All right, time for the challenge!" says Chris.
The contestants walk to the amphitheater.
The Fish Tails walk onto stage.
"Our commercial is called, 'TDROTI-a-palooza,'" says Tolkien. "Enjoy."
Yuri comes out, as Dawn. "Fish tails are great for the bones, and wild animals love them."
"Yah, my great-great-uncle Henry invented them," says Estrella.
Tolkien, as Mike, looks at Roz, as Zoey.
"Fish tails also... uh, promote romance..." says Tolkien.
Roz passionately kisses Tolkien. Tolkien then breaks free, holds up a bag of fish tails, gives a thumbs up, and faints.
"All righty then. Next up, the Tanukis," says Chris.
The Tanukis emerge, with their guitar.
Puck makes a clinky noise. Casey, Thomas, and Dolph begin to play, while Horatio starts to drum on the guitar.
"Now and then I think of when we were together..." sings Thomas. "And when you said you were so happy you could die... Told myself you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company... But that was love and it's an ache I still remember..."
Puck makes the clinky noise.right|thumb|150px
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness... Like resignation to the end, always the end... So when we found out we could not make sense, well, you said that we would still be friends..."
"BUT I'LL ADMIT THAT I WAS GLAD... THAT IT WAS OVAAAAAH...." sings Puck obnoxiously and out of turn.
Everyone stares at Puck angrily.
"Puck, you weren't supposed to sing, Beard Guy doesn't sing!" whispers Casey.
"Oh, sorry," says Puck. "Guess I just ruined it. Hehe."
"But you didn't have to ruin the song," sings Dolph, ad-libbing. "Completely screw up every single thing that we all worked on. Don't even need you on the team... Cause you're just a little idiot, and you act so tough... No you didn't have to stooooop so low... Once you go to elimination you will not come baa-aaack... I'm guessing that you're sorry, though... But you're still somebody that I used to know."
"Wow! I'm impressed that you made that up from scratch, even if it is bashing moi," says Puck.
"All righty. That's our skit," says Horatio.
Layla walks up to the stage.
"Our team doesn't have a skit, thanks to freaking Delia," she says.
"It was not my fault," says Delia.
"Whatever. Loser," says Layla.
"Do not be so mean, Layla. Delia is not a loser, in fact, she is much nicer than you are," states Charles.
"Shut up, Charles, no one likes you," says Layla angrily.
"Actually, we do have a skit," says Kai, who busts out in a glittery pink suit.
"Eww, what the..." says Layla.
"Hee-hee! You look so cute, Kai!" says Isabel.
"Why, thank you! Now let's get this show started!" says Kai.
Funky 80's music begins to play.
"Mts, mts, mts, mts, mts," says Kai, making syncopation noises with his mouth. "Total... Drama... Yum Yum... Happy Go Time... Candied... Fish Taiiiiiils. Yeeeeeah."
He says all this while breakdancing violently. He then takes out his magic wand and creates fireworks.
"Whoooo," he says.
"All right, time to judge," says Chris. "Fish Tails, you guys were ehh. You're in non-winning, non-elimination purgatory. Your skit still sucked, but all right, whatever. Dharmas, or Kai, that was really... Not even going to talk about it. So, I guess the Tanukis win. Dharmas, time to go to elimination."
"So, who to vote out, everyone?" asks Kai.
"No idea," says Neal.
"I have an idea," says Delia quietly.
The team looks at Layla, who is sitting there eating Charles' lettuce.
"Hey, that is my lettuce," says Charles.
"GET YOUR OWN," says Layla.
"But that is... Gosh. You know what, never mind..." says Charles.
The Fish Tails are chilling out in their dorm.
"Hehe, wanna read my new FF? It's super-inappropriate. It's my favorite one yet," says Yuri.
"I'm not sure if we want to..." says Tolkien.
"You totally do! It's about my new OC, Hayden, who meets my other new OC, Dennis, at a strip club. They have lots of sexual escapades. Heh," says Yuri.
"My day just got 50 times worse. Thanks, Yuri," says Estrella dryly. "And it already sucked to begin with."
"Ugh, Estrella, wanna at least appreciate me? Also, stop taking Julian for yourself. We all know he belongs with Shawn," says Yuri.
"First of all, I don't like Julian. Second of all, he doesn't like Shawn," says Estrella.
"How do you know?!" yells Yuri.
"Julian. Is. Straight," says Estrella.
"He may be closeted!" says Yuri angrily.
Julian looks up from his nachos that he is eating. "Ehh?" he says with food stuffed in his mouth.
The Dharmas are at the elimination ceremony with Chris.
"All righty, Dharmas, your second loss... Remember Wolfgang? Maybe you shouldn't have booted him, he could have brought good luck. Anyways, first sushi goes to Kai..."
Kai catches his sushi happily.
"Isabel, you're safe too. So is Delia," says Chris.
The two girls get their sushi. Delia glares at Layla. Isabel attempts to as well, but fails.
"Layla and Neal. The final sushi goes to..."
"Both of you. Here you go, sushi for everyone tonight!" says Chris.
"What?!" says everyone.
"But we all voted Layla!" says Delia softly. Isabel nods in agreement with Delia, then quickly realizes what she's done, and gasps.
"Well, that's good to know for next time, isn't it?" grins Layla evilly.
"Sure, I guess. But anyways, why is there no elimination?" asks Kai.
"Well, the producers found Yuri's stack of erotic fanfictions... And they said that that kind of stuff 'doesn't belong a kids' show', whatever that means. So, yeah. Yuri's out of the game," says Chris.
Julian rushes up to Chris. "Did you just say what I think you said?!" Chris nods. Julian whoops for joy and begins to dance around like an idiot.
Two big, burly men who are assumed to be the producers are seen dragging Yuri to the Insert-Vehicle-Here of Losers.
"NO! This is a mistake! Nobody likes my yaoi fanfiction yet! You can't eliminate me! Without me, this show is CRAP!" yells Yuri.
One of the producers grunts, and puts duct tape over Yuri's mouth. She screams, and they throw her into the Insert-Vehicle-Here, then it drives away.
A sound of tape ripping is heard. Yuri yells, "JULAWN FOR THE WINNNN!" but is drowned out by a taxi.