Transcripts/The Nerdvana Annihilation

==Season 1 - Episode 14 - The Nerdvana Annihilation==
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Sheldon 	Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss on wholewheat.
Raj 	What did they give you?
Sheldon 	Turkey and roast beef with Swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard 	I don't believe it.
Sheldon 	I know, it's basic culinary science.
Leonard 	Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it.
Howard 	A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
Leonard 	No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Raj 	Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it's rough.
Howard 	Oh, that's cool.
Leonard 	Uh-huh.
Raj 	It's only $800?
Leonard 	Yeah. And that's my bid.
Sheldon 	You bid $800.
Leonard 	It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
Sheldon 	There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Howard 	Do you have $800?
Leonard 	Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Howard 	Don't worry, the way these things work there's people waiting ‘til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it’s called sniping.
Raj 	Fifteen seconds.
Leonard 	Come on, snipers.
Raj 	Ten, nine, eight…
Leonard 	Where are your snipers?
Raj 	Five.
Leonard 	Snipe.
Raj 	Four.
Leonard 	Snipe.
Raj 	Three.
Leonard 	Snipe!
Raj 	Two.
Leonard 	SNIPE!
Raj 	One.
Leonard 	Aaaa-aw!
Raj 	Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
Howard 	You lucky duck.
Sheldon 	I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard 	Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.
Howard 	Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj 	A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?
Sheldon 	Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid.
Scene 	The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine.
Sheldon 	I understand why no-one else bid.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The same
Raj 	Did the listing actually say miniature?
Leonard 	I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon 	In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.
Howard 	It's actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Raj 	Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard 	How are we going to get it upstairs?
Howard 	If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard 	Yes but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon 	I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard 	Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby's broken.
Scene 	The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard 	Come on, guys, push.
Howard 	(Off) If I push any harder I'm going to give birth to my colon.
Raj 	(Off) I can't feel my fingers, hurry up.
Sheldon 	It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj 	Sheldon?
Sheldon 	Yeah.
Raj 	If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one.
Penny 	(Coming out of her apartment) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard 	(Letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon) Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny 	What are you doing?
Leonard 	Oh, just, you know, moving... something upstairs.
Penny 	What is it?
Leonard 	It's... you know, time machine.
Penny 	Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so....
Leonard 	Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny 	I don't have a few minutes, I'm running really late.
Sheldon 	Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there's a small gap, don't look down if you're subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny 	You're joking, right?
Sheldon 	Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Penny 	Damn, okay, I'll just take the roof.
Leonard 	Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it's not... never mind.
Sheldon 	For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
Leonard 	Let's just do this. Guys, ready to push?
Raj 	In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.
Scene 	The living room. The time machine is set up.
Sheldon 	I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard 	Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon 	The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.
Howard 	Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj 	Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!
Sheldon 	Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns, but I think you'd agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard 	You can't just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that?
Raj 	He's got a point.
Sheldon 	Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Leonard 	Seconded.
Howard 	I was going to put down a towel.
Raj 	I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.
Leonard 	That sounds fair.
Sheldon 	Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?
Raj 	Twice a month.
Sheldon 	Then no.
Raj 	Okay, every other month.
Sheldon 	No.
Leonard 	Sheldon, you can't be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10, 1876.
Howard 	Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon 	Wait a minute, I'd want to see that too.
Leonard 	So, when it's your turn you can.
Sheldon 	But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab is going to get very crowded, he'll know something's up.
Raj 	Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space, you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
Howard 	And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”
Raj 	Mrs Bell was deaf, she's not even going to hear you knock.
Sheldon 	Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj 	Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon 	If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10, 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard 	Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun.
Raj 	My turn.
Penny 	(Entering) Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard 	Are you okay?
Penny 	Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard 	That doesn't sound too bad.
Penny 	It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Leonard 	Sorry.
Penny 	Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that's right, I’ve lost an entire day's pay thanks to this... this...
Sheldon 	Time machine.
Leonard 	The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?
Penny 	No! I don't want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and... and now that... that...
Sheldon 	Again, time machine.
Penny 	Oh please, it's not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon 	It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Penny 	Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A beat, and then…)
Raj 	My turn!
Scene 	Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon 	Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard 	So?
Sheldon 	So it's my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard 	Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon 	You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard 	Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon 	Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard 	What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon 	It won't change the past.
Leonard 	But it would make the present so much nicer.
Sheldon 	Are you upset about something?
Leonard 	What was your first clue?
Sheldon 	Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability...
Leonard 	Yes I'm upset.
Sheldon 	Oh! I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard 	Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon 	Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard 	I don't know. Maybe.
Sheldon 	Wow, I'm on fire tonight.
Leonard 	Uh, here's the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon 	I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard 	Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon 	In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard 	Those are movies.
Sheldon 	Well of course they're movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That's absurd.
Scene 	The stairwell. It is the previous day, and again Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the stairs.
Leonard 	Come on, guys, push.
Howard 	(Off) If I push any harder I'm going to give birth to my colon.
Penny 	(Coming out of her apartment) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard 	(Letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon) Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny 	What are you doing?
Leonard 	Oh, just, you know, moving a... time machine.
Penny 	Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so....
Leonard 	No problem. (Removes glasses, pulls down out of order tape from lift doors, and forces them open.) Hang on. (Takes Penny in his arms as he holds onto the lift cable.)
Penny 	But, what about your time machine.
Leonard 	Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)
Penny 	Oh, I'm scared.
Leonard 	Don't worry baby, I’ve got you.
Penny 	Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)
Sheldon 	It's still my turn.
Scene 	The living room.
Sheldon 	What are you doing?
Leonard 	I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon 	Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard 	It's not about money.
Raj 	(Entering) We brought food.
Howard 	Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travelers.
Leonard 	Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Raj 	Why?
Leonard 	Because I don't want it any more.
Howard 	Why?
Leonard 	Just... personal reasons.
Sheldon 	My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard 	Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj 	I'll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard 	Screw his balcony, I'll give you a hundred and twenty and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard 	I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj 	Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Sheldon 	I'll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj 	Three hundred, and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard 	No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I'm getting rid of all of it.
Howard 	You can't do that, look what you've created here, it's like nerdvana.
Raj 	More importantly, you've a Darth Vader voice changer?
Leonard 	Not for long.
Raj 	Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard 	Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj 	Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard 	Well you can't just call dibs.
Raj 	I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon 	Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.
Leonard 	It's not a bidding war, I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
Raj 	Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?
Howard 	Will you forget dibs!
Leonard 	He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon 	What's the number, I'll match it.
Raj 	I'll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon 	What's the exchange rate.
Raj 	None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Howard 	(On phone) Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard 	Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon 	Who cares, as long as you pick me.
Raj 	Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let's talk.
Leonard 	Sorry Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon 	(Moving to block his path) No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard 	Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon 	(Brandishing toy sword from Leonard’s box) None shall pass.
Leonard 	Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek:  The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
Howard 	Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.
Penny 	(Coming out of her flat) What the hell's going on?
Sheldon 	You hypocrite!
Penny 	What?
Sheldon 	Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty!
Penny 	Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset.
Leonard 	No, I needed to hear it.
Penny 	No you didn't. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are.
Howard 	I guess that makes me large breasts.
Leonard 	Still, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff and... you know... move on with my life.
Penny 	Really?
Leonard 	Yeah.
Penny 	Oh. Wow. Good for you. (Kisses his cheek.)
Leonard 	Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don't know, later...
Good looking man coming up stairs	Excuse me. Hey, Penny!
Penny 	Hi Mike.
Mike 	Are you ready to go.
Penny 	Yeah, I just have to change.
Mike 	I'll give you a hand.
Penny 	Oh, stop it! Bye guys.
Leonard 	(After a long pause) My turn on the time machine.
Scene 	A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701.
Sheldon 	It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.)
Leonard 	Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon 	We have to get rid of the time machine.
Leonard 	It is a little big for the living room, isn't it?
Sheldon 	Yeah, that's the problem, it's too big.
Leonard 	I'm glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)
Sheldon 	Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!
To the original text
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)