Tom the Producer

Baroness Tomothy "the Producer" Zaltzman-Wangchuck, otherwise known as Tom the Producer, is a sentient golem who was forged in April 1273 in the bowels of a roaring volcano, in the fictional nation of Scotland; by Olhamek, a type of hideous electronic man-fungus, who desired a mate. Recognizing his superhuman strength, patience, and powers of discernment, kings and chieftains throughout the ages employed him as Chief Guardian of the Royal Bugle Corps (and equivalent titles). The 20th-century collapse of bugle usage, not to mention a nasty bout of anti-golem sentiments from the British National Party, forced Tom to the margins of society. Having heard the phrase "If you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite amount of time, they would produce the works of Shakespeare" and having recently been banned from his local library for over zealous use of his mystical sword 'Bahron the Castigator' and not wanting to shell out £50 for the complete works. Tom travelled to Bolivia in order to round up an infinite number of Squirrel Monkeys. Until 8 months and 330 thousand monkeys later, when his faithful, servant Shahilli 'He who dances in the rays of the sullen moon', finally plucked up the courage to tell his ferocious master what the word infinite meant. After swiftly killing Shahilli and his family, Tom decided to cut his losses and prevent embarrassment for this failed quest in the most obvious way. He selected the 2 most charming monkeys, shaved them to varying degrees and forced them to record a podcast for him; and thus The Bugle was born. The rest of the Monkey's later escaped Tom's forgotten prison camps, and were last seen atop a makeshift raft setting sail for middle earth (Shahilli had read them The Hobbit as a bed time story, but had failed to mention that it was not a true story.)
==Career==
Tom and the staff have been blind since Episode 47 when Andy chose to expose himself in the studio and conduct the podcast naked. A similar, low grade incident in 1994 is the reason why John wears glasses, but it takes far more than accelerated glaucoma to end a friendship or get an out-of-court settlement. As part of their compensation, the staff received copies of Andy’s first book. However, the Braille edition will not be published until 2013.
Tom is positioned in the Queen's Kingdom of Australia to protect it from Andy the avenging angel Zaltzman. Andy has been planning his slaughter of Australia in a one man whirlwind of pain and suffering, Andy's rage against this upside down nation was stirred when their primeminister touched up our queen (though who could blame him, hot stuff).
The highlight of Tom’s life thus far (other than winning stars in their eyes... I love Phil Collins too) was selecting two winners of the Who or What is Jigme Wangchuck competition. In the first draft of this episode, Tom stated that the least correct answer was "Sexually unapealing" Jigme himself who was overseeing the ceremony, overheard this and was roused into a sexual fury. He quickly mounted and impregnated Tom, and within the week they were married in a civil ceremony in honolulu. The segment had to be re-recorded for taste and decency purposes. Which is why Andy sounded even more wooden and rehearsed than usual.
Tom is responsible for the idea of putting out a Pirelli Style calendar for the Hotties From History section, though his role in its creation is often forgotten, but his suggestion for a replacement was "Cuties from Current Affairs," so probably for the best.
Tom actually is, basically, God/Buddha/Krishna/Dennis Kucinich (Delete as applicable) of the Bugle. Ask yourself, have you ever seen his face? Yet he pulls the strings...all of them. Start praying, oh ye of little faith, so that your soul might be saved from the eternal fires of Bugle Hell!
Tom is the worlds strongest, heavyset and oldest proffesional ladyboy. As stated by the belgian milk advertisement board, in big bold letters on their home page, and who are we to doubt their word? I mean they work really hard and all they get is sh*t from ignorant people like you. You make me physically sick, you should be ashamed of yourself and your family.
Tom is the only person that can kill Chris (fuck you Chris) the new evil producer. In a producer battle to the death you must cut the head of the other producer, highlander style.
Tom recently travelled to the uncivilized, savage land of Terra Australis Incognita, in order to slay the dragons and wyverns that prowl the super-continents fiery deserts and ashen lava fields. He also intends to round up the various tribes of cannibals and vegetable worshipping natives and train them into a mighty army, with which he will march upon the palace of the Ice-gods in Irkutsk. In order to free his maker: the man-fungus Olhamek, as well as his lover Jigme, from the dreaded dungeons of the eternal frost. He currently lives in the nation's only inhabitable area Erinsborough, where he performs sexual favour in exchange for decongestants.
In a more recent update Tom sent out a warning on all Australian TV channels warning that neighboring islands would see "the storm of fire that will soon rain down to there hellish lands" and that all his subjects (slaves) must prepare to serve in his super penguin army. It is overlord Toms hopes that by him taking over the nearby countrys and there shoe makeing industry that he can usher in the apocalypse.
==Duties==
Tom's primary responsibilities on The Bugle:
# Keep John and Andy focused
# Wave arms about when (1) horribly fails (2) epicly wins (3) is getting jiggy
# Studio riot control when the raw podcast lasts over five hours
# Keeping his awesomeness in check
# Trying not to kill Andy. (Perfect record...so far, anyway...)
# Applying The Bugle for tax-exempt status as a legally recognized mega church.
# Doing Andy's blog.
# Cleansing Andy's genitals periodically
# Taking the ring to Mordor
# Mending punctures in John's 'Girlfriend'
# Muscling in on the political middle ground
# Satisfying Andy's wife sexually and emotionally
# Stoping Andy and John mating; which may a satirical Anti-Christ who would be like a political Bernard Manning; meaning we would all be doomed.
# Running a crab boat in the deadly Bering Sea (relaxing compared to editing waves and waves of bullshit)
# Positioning his enormous bulk in the southern hemisphere, in order to counterbalance the weight of John's americanized girth
# Reminding the democratically-elected Australian Government that Her Majesty can overthrow them at any moment, as she once did with Governor-General Tom in the 1975 Constitutional Crisis in a dispute over which flavor of Hula-Hoops was the greatest.
# Fuck you Chris. Fuck you.
# To keep the Bugles space program on track.
# To untrap Chilean miners.
# While he failed to become the celebrant to marry William and Kate, has been accepted to marry Pookie and Miss Snugglesworth, 2 of the Queens favourite corgies.
==Penguinology==
Tom is a master at both ornithology and scottslogy, keenly aware that penguins live in the Antarctic – and should stay where they belong. Scotland is the last line of defense against future penguin incursions into Europe, especially if Scandinavia should fall.
==See Also==
*The New Tom
Fuck you Chris
For those wishing to serve vengeance in a cold manner, as is best served, then one might like Tom's entry on Linked-In, which reads; "I am a Producer on Afternoons with Richard Stubbs, 1pm til 3 Monday to Friday on 774 ABC Melbourne and ABC Victoria. I create multimedia content for the show including the weekly Stubbs Redux Podcast as well as the odd video and hosting the odd live chat". Google, and a rapier wit with email, is your friend.
Category:People
Category:Producers