My child is an alcoholic.

My child is an alcoholic. is season 2 episode 3 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
Zoltan and Bot are sentenced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and the duo make it a safe space for recovering alcoholics.
==Transcript==
Zoltan: My name's Zoltan Auger,
I don't like my daughter.
Bot: My name is Bot Auger,
Who's his famous daughter.
I've got friends
Like Travis, Matchy, Cactus and…
Zoltan: There's Golf, Aaron, Prim, Renaud,
Epstein and Tan!
And so I found a place
Where everyone can find
My EB-loving face
And that I hate my child!
[Intro ends, cut to Zoltan and Bot in a cinema]
Zoltan: All right, come on, hurry up, Bot. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie.
Bot: Zoltan, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world.
[The movie screen shows the question “This actor won an Oscar for his portrayal of Forrest Gump. T_M H_NKS”]
Zoltan: Oh! Oh! Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.
[The screen reveals the name to be Tom Hanks]
Zoltan: Who?
[The film begins]
Bot: Ah, good. It's starting.
Zoltan: Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.
[20th Century Fox logo]
Zoltan: All right. Let's see what you got, FOX. 
[An object is gliding through a sea]
Zoltan: Oh, I bet that's a sea monster…
[The object turns out to be a map, and it’s revealed the it’s the intro for Underwater Map Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I heard of them.
[“Once upon a time…” is shown on the screen]
Zoltan: Here we go. Movie!
[It turns out to be Once Upon A Time Studios]
Zoltan: Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. 
[A plane arriving]
Zoltan: All right, someone's coming to town!
[Arriving Flight Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, for crying out loud!
[India, 1853]
Zoltan: Oh, all right. Period movie. 
[Country-And-Date Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, not a period movie.
[A panting man with a wounded shoulder enters a house]
Zoltan: Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.
[Panting Man’s Wounded Shoulder Films presents]
Zoltan: Oh, come on!
[Zoltan opens a bottle of alcohol]
Zoltan: Psst. Hey, Bot. You want a drink?
Bot: You snuck in liquor?
Zoltan: Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.
Bot: All right, I'll, uh, get in on that.
[Cut to both of them being drunk]
Zoltan: (slurring words): Hey, I already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.
Bot: That's an excellent idea. I like... I like The Madness of King George.
Zoltan: Well, I don't know what that is, but the... The Cat From Outer Space is a solid motion picture. Oh, and... and I like... I like King Ralph 'cause... 'Cause that's... That's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing.
Man: Hey, shut up!
Zoltan: Hey, I'm... I'm not the only one talking. That... That big guy up there on the screen's been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk, hey, you keep it down!
[The film doesn’t stop]
Bot: I... I don't... I don't think he's... That he's listening to you. Let's get him!
Man in film: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.
Zoltan: Leeza, get a... Get away from him. He's a Nazi. I... I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse.
[The audience is shouting at Zoltan]
Zoltan: I don't think... I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.
[The film is still going]
Zoltan: All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.
[Zoltan jumps through the screen]
Zoltan: Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are backwards now. Get away from her!
[Police officer Skittles enters]
Skittles: We got a report of a disturban... Oh, what the hell, Zoltan? 
Zoltan: Skittles, thank God. There's a situation here.
Girl in film: I've got a sore finger.
Zoltan: I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!
[Cut to the court from the previous episode where the judge is somehow alive again]
Judge: Mr. Auger and Ms. Auger, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol.
Bot:: Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain…
Judge: I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear. This court sentences you both to thirty days of Alcoholics Anonymous.
NotJoe: Your Honor, my client did something pretty bad, but I do have a defense. However, I can only explain it in Sugondese.
Judge: Okay, explain it then.
NotJoe: No you were supposed to-
[Cut to the Auger house]
Bot: This sucks. Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Cactus: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Bot: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Crazy: Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. 
[Cutaway to a poet writing]
Poet: I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but she's not messing with... Who isn't she messing with? 
[Cut to the AA meeting, with JewWario as the group leader]
JewWario: Hey, y'all. Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Zoltan and Bot:
All: Hello, Zoltan and Bot.
Zoltan: Hi there.
JewWario: All right, who'd like to kick us off?
Greg: I will. Um, my name is Greg, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Greg.
Greg: One fateful night, I, uh, got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind-drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent eight-year-old girl.
Zoltan: What kind?
Greg: What?
Zoltan: What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind?
Greg: It was a Miata.
Zoltan: Oh, come on. That's not a sports car. How... How does that even kill a kid? What, did you hit her over the head with it?
Greg: That's a legitimate sports car.
Zoltan: Nope. Next.
JewWario: Jenny, would you like to talk?
Jenny: My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic.
Zoltan: Geez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha.
All: Hi, Jenny.
Jenny: Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night. I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. 
JewWario: That's wonderful, Jenny. All right. Zoltan, do you have a story that you'd like to share?
Zoltan: Oh, yeah, I got one. This one time, me and my friends made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive. And you know that hospital on Guerrero Street?
[Cutaway to Zoltan’s car crashing into a hospital; cut back]
JewWario: Zoltan, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.
[Bot scoffs]
JewWario: You have a different view, Bot?
Bot: Oh, I... I don't know. Are we... Are we allowed to have a different view?
JewWario: Bot, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program.
Bot: Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion.
[Cutaway to three bearded men talking]
Man 1: I like you and have no reason not to.
Man 2: I like you and have no reason not to.
Man 3: Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem?
[They all start shouting and stabbing each other; cut back to the Auger house]
Cactus: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Bot: 29 more and we're done. That's how it was.
Cactus: That doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Zoltan: Cactus, you weren't there. It was awful. Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories. "My drinking ruined my marriage." "My drinking ruined my family." My drinking ruined my TV show, 24."
Crazy: I see you got your own thing going on this week, but there's a new teacher at preschool who deactivates the camera and then hits us.
Cactus: Bot, AA's been around for years. It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction.
Bot: No, it hasn't. They've just traded one addiction for another. Their life goes from being all about drinking to being all about AA. The only difference is, when it's all about drinking, they're more fun.
Cactus: Well, like it or not, you got to stick it out for thirty days.
[Cactus leaves]
Zoltan: You know what sucks, Bot? We don't got a problem with our drinking. It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking.
Bot: Wait a minute. Zoltan, that's it. The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics. They just have nowhere to drink without being judged.
Crazy: She slams us into the monkey bars, but none of us have the language skills to call her on it.
[Cut to the AA meeting]
Mr. Renaud: And then this one time, I was so drunk, I gave someone a back adjustment. I'm not a chiropractor. You got to go to a weekend of school for that.
[Zoltan brings in several cans of beer]
Zoltan: Hey, hey. Anyone in the house addicted to alcohol?
JewWario: Mr. Auger, alcohol is forbidden at our meetings.
Zoltan: Look, just hear me out. I sat here and listened to you bums the other day, and I got to tell you, I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober.
Bot: Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones. But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk. Let's make this our sanctuary.
JewWario: I wants me that beer!
[Everyone cheers as they grab a beer; cut to Skittles riding in his car]
Man (over radio): Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Isle of Wight Community Center. Is anyone in the area?
Skittles: Wait a minute. That's where Zoltan's AA meeting is.
[Skittles heads to the building; cut to Zoltan talking to a woman]
Zoltan: So I clicked on it, and the... The girl's got a bigger wang than I got.
Woman: No way!
Zoltan: No way, right? So I did... So I just put my thumb over it, and then... And that got me through the rest of... of the... of the session.
[JewWario sees Skittles coming]
JewWario. Oh no! There's a policeman coming!
Zoltan: All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.
[Zoltan pulls a lever that makes the place transform into a church-like room as Skittles enters]
Skittles: All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint.
Bot: Skittles, shh. Zoltan's about to start.
Zoltan: We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the Devil ever created: Alcohol.
[Everyone hums the Mr. Booze tune]
Zoltan: Mr. Booze…
All: Mr. Booze…
Zoltan: Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... 
Bot and JewWario: That sure spells booze... 
Zoltan: You will wind up wearing tattered shoes if you mess with Mr. Booze. 
Bot and JewWario: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... 
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... 
Zoltan: Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died, you'll feel better once you've testified.
All: Testify! 
JewWario: I want to testify. I want to testify.
Zoltan: Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.
JewWario: One time, I took a library book out, and I fells asleep reading it, and I left it under the bed. I forgot about it for three and a half years. I was going to take it back on Amnesty Day, but on Amnesty Day, I had a sip of rosé wine, and I never made it out of the house. 
Zoltan: Who's to blame?
All: Who's to blame?
Zoltan: What's his name?
All: We know his name. His name is Mr. Booze. Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose. Any game you play with him you lose. So don't mess with Mr. Booze.
Zoltan: If your head feels like it's two miles wide...
All: Two miles wide!
Zoltan: You'll feel better once you've testified.
All: Testify! Oh, yes! Testify!
Ben: I want to testify. I want to testify.
Zoltan: Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify.
Ben: I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. 
[The crowd shouts in movie titles and he says he’s seen them all]
Zoltan: That's a shame…
All: What a shame...
Zoltan: Who's to blame?
All: For Corey Haim? His name is Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, you must refuse. You'll make the obituary news if you mess with Mr. Booze. If you've been so stiff they thought you died, you'll feel better once you've testified. Testify, testify!
Granite: This man wants to testify.
Zoltan: Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness.
Granite: This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
Ollie: Cartoon Post!
Man: He doesn't even like Cartoon Post.
Bot: Now, alcohol makes a big man small, and can lead to a life of crime.
All: Yeah!
JewWario: Demon rum makes a gent a bum, and you cash in before your time.
All: Yeah!
Bill Dauterive: Bootleg gin puts you in a spin till you don't even know your name.
All: Yeah!
Zoltan: You're a basket case flat on your face, and there's only one guy to blame:
All: Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose. You will wind up wearing tattered shoes if you mess with Mr. Booze. Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Oh, Mr. Booze... Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Oh, Mr. Booze... Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
Bot: Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E... 'Cause that spells booze...And you’re gonna lose with Mr. Booze...
All: Oh, yeah!
Bot: Don't mess around with Mr. Booze...
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
JewWario: That's what he said, now...
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
Zoltan: Oh, Mr. Booze... 
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Don't you mess with Mr. Booze, don't mess with Mr.- Don't you mess with Mr. oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... Don't mess with, ah-ah... Oh, Mr. Booze... Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... Yeah!
Skittles: Wow, you guys. I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously. And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too. Now, if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints.
Zoltan: Sure. No problem, Skittles. Thanks for stopping by.
[Skittles leaves as they all cheer; cut to Zoltan talking to a guy outside]
Guy: So what do you say, guys? Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play?
Zoltan: Nah. I think I'm... I'm just going to go home.
Ben: All right. You okay to drive?
Zoltan: Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine.
Ben: All right, take it easy.
Zoltan: All right, you, too. Get out of here. Hey! Like your jeans.
Ben: Thanks.
Zoltan: What... Hey, what size are you?
Ben: Yeah, I don't think we're the same size.
Zoltan: Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow.
[Zoltan walks over to Bot who is talking to Jenny]
Zoltan: Come on, Bot. You ready to go home?
Bot: Uh, no, Zoltan. I'm going to... I'm going to... Going to meet Jenny's cats.
Zoltan: What are you talking about? You hate cats.
Bot: I'm going... to meet... her cats.
Zoltan: Geez, all right. Okay. All right. You don't have to get all cat... Hey, hey, cat dog, right? You're a cat dog. Hey, cat dog! Cat dog! (sings gibberish) Cat dog. Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... When the... In a... In a cat dog...? When the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And... And vice versa? Oh, God. Oh, that's... That's some kind of living hell. That's some... That's some kind of living hell, Bot. Okay, I got to go. You... You have a good time with Jenny.
[Zoltan starts the car]
Zoltan: Geez. Cat dog. What... What if... What if they... What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands. That's what... That's what happens. All right... All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel?
Singer: A gentle breeze... From Hushabye Mountain... Softly blows… For Lullaby Bay…
[Zoltan falls asleep and crashes into a tree and the Grim Reaper walks up to him]
Grim Reaper: Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
[Grim Reaper flips Zoltan’s buddy]
Grim Reaper: Wait. Is it? Hey. Hey, fatty, wake up.
[Zoltan’s ghost flies out of his body]
Zoltan: What... What the... What happened?
Grim Reaper: You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk driving accident.
Zoltan: Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass?
Grim Reaper: What the...? What's wrong with you?
Zoltan: You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.
Grim Reaper: Look, I've been told I can give you another chance, but there's some things we have to do first.
Zoltan: What are you talking about?
Grim Reaper: I'm talking about you understanding alcohol just a little bit better. Zoltan, I'm going to show you where your life is headed if you keep drinking as much as you do.
[The two ghosts disappear and reappear in the future with the Augers having breakfast]
Grim Reaper: All right, Zoltan. Here we are.
Zoltan: Well, everything looks fine. 
[A drunken Zoltan enters with a cigar]
Drunk Zoltan: All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.
[Drunk Zoltan burns everyone’s hands as they are in pain until he sees Crazy with a fake mustache]
Drunk Zoltan: Wait a minute. Who are you?
Crazy: I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir
Drunk Zoltan: Crazy, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, effin' cry." What's the difference?
Zoltan: All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life.
Grim Reaper: Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what, I'm going to show you that too.
[The two ghost appear in an alternate future where Zoltan is in fancy clothing]
Grim Reaper: Okay, get ready for this.
Nice Zoltan: Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a triple "H": a hug, a handshake or a high five. Your call.
[The family members all line up in front of Nice Zoltan]
Nice Zoltan: Bot, hug! You got it. Cactus, hug! Two in a row. Try for three, Crazy? Oh, no, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement.
Zoltan: Who the (bleep) is this jerk?
Grim Reaper: That's you, Zoltan, alcohol-free. 
Zoltan: This is even worse than the other one. This ain't me. What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.
Grim Reaper: Exactly, Zoltan. It's called moderation. You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey. You just have to be responsible with it. You members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes?
Zoltan: We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it. All right, Death. I'll try.
[Cut to the Auger household, Zoltan and Bot enter]
Zoltan: Well, we're home. Thirty days of sobriety, and we can finally drink again.
Cactus: Oh, for God's sake, Zoltan, didn't you learn anything from this?
Zoltan: Yes, I did, Cactus. These are going in the garbage. But these... I'm keeping for myself. Moderation, Cactus.
Cactus: Wow, Zoltan. I never thought I'd see the day. Good for you.
Zoltan: From now on, half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash.
[Cut to a garbage dump where two seagulls are drinking beer]
Bird 1: Hey, how... How come we're the only animals with poo that's white?
Bird 2: I know. What the hell?
Bird 1: Right? We're not... We're not eating white stuff.
Bird 2: Hey, you want something good? Just look for the containers that say "KFC" on them. There's always something good in there.
Bird 1: Dude, that's birds in there. You're eat... You're eating another bird.
Bird 2. What?
Bird 1: That's bird meat, dude.
Bird 2: What? No. 
Bird 1: You're eating a bird.
Bird 2: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
[Bird 2 squawks as the episode ends]
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