Santa is a Jerk

In Santa's castle...
Santa: Why do we live in a castle? Shouldn't we just live in a large house or something?
Mrs. Claus: Shaddup and eat your freaking food.
Santa: I'm busy, Mama! It's almost Christmas!
Mrs. Claus: You're gonna disapoint the children! They expect a fat Santa! Oh and don't call me Mama!
Santa: You call me Papa all the time.
Mrs. Claus: It's okay when I do it. NOW EAT!
Santa: NEVAH! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO NOTHIN, WOMAN!
Mrs. Claus: >:O How dare you speak to me that way! I'm a freaking Lady!
Santa: Meh, I'm done fighting with you. I'm gonna go f*** around with the reindeer and stuff.
Later that day...
Baby Rudolph's nose starts glowing
Santa: GREAT BOUNCING ICEBERGS! WHAT THE @#$% IS THAT THING?!
Mrs. Donner: My son! D:<
Santa: SON?! I am genually sorry for you, miss. I would stay here and throw you a pity party, but it's almost Christmas and I got things to do and... stuff.
Donner: I-I'm sure it will stop as soon as he grows up, Santa.
Santa: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's home so if he wants to make my sleigh team someday!
Donner: Wait, why wouldn't he be able to pull the sleigh just because his nose lights up?
Santa: DO YOU WANNA FREAKING BE FIRED?!
Donner: O.O No sir.
Santa: Then do not question my judgements or ELSE! Well, I'll be off now.
Santa leaves
Baby Rudolph: Bye-bye! :D
Donner: -.-
One year later, at Elf Practice...
Mrs. Claus: What took you so long?!
Santa: It's hard to hurry when you're not looking forward to anything. Well, let's get this overwith. I've got to go back out and look over the new deer, which I was TRYING to do when SOMEBODY forced me to come and watch some rehearsel!
Boss Elf: Uh... okay, Santa. Now, let's try out the new elf song I wrote. And remember, it's for Santa! And a 1, and a 2, and a 3!
Elves sing "We are Santa's Elves"
Mrs. Claus: *claps* :D
Santa: :| It needs a LOT of work. I've got to go.
Santa Leaves
Mrs. Claus: Oh, what does Papa know? It's beautiful! You keep it just the way it was!
Mrs. Claus runs after Santa
Mrs. Claus: Papa, what the h*ll was that?! They wrote that song because they're grateful that they're YOUR elves!
Santa: I don't HAVE to freaking like it.
Mrs. Claus: You could have just pretended to!
Santa: *sighs* I'm going to the Reindeer Games. Seeya, Mama.
Mrs. Claus: Papa? Papa! Don't you dare walk out that door, I'm not finished with you ye-
Santa walks out and slams door
* * * * * *
At the Reindeer Games...
Clarice: Rudolph?
Rudolph: Yes?
Clarice: I think you're @#$%.
Rudolph: I'M @#$%! I'M @#$%!
Rudolph leaps into the air, flies a few yards, and lands next to Comet
Comet: Magnificent!
Rudolph: I'm @#$%! I'm @#$%! She said I'm @#$%!!!!!
Comet: Uh, yeah, that's great.
Rudolph leaps back into air and flies ten feet high
Santa: Not bad! Not bad at all!
Donner: Thanks, Santa.
Santa: I see you finally got rid of that creepy nose disorder. If it hadn't gone away, I may have had to bring the axe down on little Rudolph... literally.
Donner: What!?
Santa: Nothing.
The mud on Rudolph's nose dries and falls off, revealing his red nose
Fireball: WHAT THE F[We are expirencing technical difficulties]
Santa: Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself for having such a @#$% of a son!
Donner: *sigh*
Santa: What a pity, he had a nice takeoff too! But NOW, since you LIED to me, *rants on*
Several months later...
Rudolph (now a teenager): Ma? Pa! I'm home!
Santa: They- HOLY CRAP puberty wasn't kind to you! Uh, anyway, oh yes, they're GONE Rudolph, all because of YOU!
Rudolph: Me?!
Santa: They're all out looking for you! They haven't been back for months, and without your father I don't know how I'll ever get my sleigh off the ground!
Rudolph: Woah, woah, woah. My MOM, my DAD, and my freaking GIRLFRIEND are lost in the wilderness and the first thing you care about is yourself?!
Santa: SHADDUP! I'm a human, I'm a higher life form than you are!
Rudolph: I just realized something! How the h*ll can we talk to each other? You're a human and I'm a reindeer!
Santa: Hm, good point... whatever. Just go find your family and friends and crap, save the day and all that, and get back here so I can pull the sleigh and Mrs. Claus will freaking get off my back!
Rudolph: Alright, I'll find them... I'll find them all!
Rudolph leaves
Santa: Heh heh, idiot...
One day later...
Rudolph tells Santa about the Misfit Toys
Santa: Why didn't you tell me about this before you went to go save everyone?
Rudolph: There were kind of more pressing matters at the moment...
Santa: Whatever, let's just prepare the freaking sleigh so that I can deliver the toys, make kids happy, bring joy to the world blah blah blah and divorce my @#$% of a wife.
Later...
Mrs. Claus: *force-feeds Santa* EAT, Papa, EAT!!!!
Santa: How can I eat?! That pathetic excuse for an elf song is driving me crazy!
Mrs. Claus: You're going to disappoint the children! They expect a fat Santa!
Santa: It's not like they'll see me :|
Mrs. Claus: ...just eat.
Weather Elf: Latest weather report Sir *hands Santa newspaper*
Santa: *reads* YES!!! I mean... awwww, the storm won't subside by tonight. We'll have to cancel Christmas.
Mrs. Claus: But... you don't control Christmas! Christmas is just supposed to be about Christ's birthday!
Santa: Yeah, what ever you say. I'm going to go tell everyone that it's all off this year. *walks into workshop* Everybody, QUIET! I've got some bad news, folks. Christmas is going to be canceled.
Everyone: !!!
Santa: There's nothing I can do, this weathe- *gets blinded by Rudolph's nose* Rudolph, please! Can you tone it down a bit... I mean that nose of yours... that nose! That beautiful, wonderful nose!
Rudolph: wat
Santa: Rudolph! Christmas is not off, and you're going to lead my team!
Rudolph: I am?
Santa: Yessir, you and that wonderful nose of yours!
Rudolph: My nose, sir?
Santa: From what I can see now, that nose will cut through the murkiest storm they can dish up! What I'm trying to say is, 'Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?'
Rudolph: No way, Santa. You don't deserve nothing from me! Now go and @#$% yourself. *walks away*.
Santa: ...
Santa attempted to deliver the presents alone, but was killed in the storm.
The End