Episode 202: Rick Moranis/transcript

==Cold Open==
 	Clifford talks on a mobile phone.
Clifford 	Naw, baby, you don't understand. No, no. I can't come home early. No, no. We got Rick Moranis on the show.
 	Seymour and Pepe hound him, dressed in costumes - Pepe in a dress, and Seymour as Zorro.
Seymour & Pepe	Clifford! Clifford! Clifford!
Clifford 	(aside) Not now. Will you stop bugging me? – (into phone) Oh, no, no, no. Not you, baby.
Pepe 	But - but you haven't even heard our idea, sweetie.
Clifford 	(aside) I'm not talkin' to you, shrimp. (into phone) No, no, no. I wasn't calling you a shrimp, baby.
Pepe 	Well, then why are you calling me baby?
Seymour 	Well, maybe he's calling me baby.
Pepe 	Ohhh.
Clifford 	(aside) Pipe down, Dumbo. (into phone) No, no, no. Not you, honey. Look-- (click, dial tone) Oh, man. I'ma really pay for that later.
 	They start hounding him again.
Seymour & Pepe	Clifford? Clifford, are you finished yet?
Clifford 	Now, what do you two want?
Pepe 	Well, we got a new act, Clifford.
Seymour 	Yeah, yeah. Seymour and Pepe...
Pepe 	... The Amazing Whippersnappers!
Seymour 	Yeah!
Clifford 	Okay, okay, so how does it work?
Pepe 	Oh. Well, well, I hold up this big, smelly cigar in my mouth...
Seymour 	Yeah, and then I whip it away with my bullwhip. (demonstrates)
Pepe 	Ha ha ha. One inch at a time. No more, no less.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Pepe 	Okay, fellas, whip it!
 	Four Devo-dressed Whatnots pop up.
Devo Muppets 	
♪ Crack that whip!
♪ Give that whip a crack!
♪ We say whip it!
♪ Whip it good!
 	Seymour and Pepe demonstrate their act, when Seymour's whip accidentally grips Pepe's cigar, and sends him flying out the window.
Pepe 	¡Epaaaaaa!
Seymour 	Whoops. Ha. I, uh--ha-- I think I whipped the wrong end.
 	Pepe gets off the elevator, dazed.
Seymour 	Pepe! Pepe!
Pepe 	Uh, I think ... we got a few things to fix, okay. (faints)
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Rick Moranis! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Muppet Odd Squad / Shrink ray==
 	Clifford rushes through the stage door past Kermit as the show begins.
Stagehand (LCR) 	Okay, in 5...4...
Kermit 	Where's Clifford? Oh - Clifford!
Clifford 	Hey, hey, hey, hey. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, with our special guest, Rick Moranis. (applause) That's right. Give it up. You know, Rick is known and loved for his family films, like Parenthood and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(pops up) Oh, and don't forget Little Shop of Horrors!
Clifford 	That's not a family film. You don't know your movies!
Dr. Phil van Neuter	YOU don't know my family! (walks off)
Clifford 	Any hue - most folks don't know that Rick got his big break on a TV show he did with the Muppets in the early 70s. Let's watch, shall we?
 	Switch to a clip of Clifford, Kermit and Spamela, all dressed like hippies, rushing through a tunnel. Rick appears from behind a wall, also dressed as a hippie.
A. Ligator 	One purple, one green, one full-figured. The Muppet Odd Squad. Starring special guest star little Ricky Moranis as little Ricky Cool.
 	In their hideout, Andy, Randy and Ricky count the money they've just stolen.
Rick 	Man, we really stuck it to the establishment this time, huh?
Andy & Randy 	Stuck it to 'em.
Rick 	That little student protest I organized left the bank wide open!
Andy & Randy 	Yeah. (laughing)
Rick 	Come on. Let's keep countin' this bread.
Andy 	Alright. One loaf...
Randy 	Yeah ...
Andy & Randy 	... two loaves...
Rick 	Aw, man! Are you dudes messin' with my head?
Andy 	Yeah, if you want us to.
Andy & Randy 	(rubbing his head) Mess, mess, mess. Mess, mess, mess.
Rick 	Hey, I just ironed this hair! Cut it out!
 	The Muppet Odd Squad busts through the door.
Spamela 	Freeze!
Rick 	Aah! (freezes)
Clifford 	Okay, you psychedelic sicko, revolution called on account of... the Muppet Odd Squad.
Kermit 	Yeah. Looks like the power went out of your flower, man.
Rick 	Oh, man. This is turning into a bad trip.
Clifford 	You think this is a bad trip, try driving to Yosemite with a car full of kids.
 	The three talk over each other.
Rick 	Shut up! You really sold out, Lint. You used to be one of us, and now you're part of... the establishment?
Clifford 	I'm gonna make this short, because this oversized afro is killing my neck. But, yes, I am a part of the establishment and proud of it.
Kermit 	Proud to be one of the working men, frogs, and full-figured pigs who live their lives in the daylight.
Spamela 	Yeah, not in the blacklight.
 	Rick turns the blacklight on, and they all start dancing to go-go music.
Rick 	Blacklight? Hey, let's groove!
Andy 	Far out.
Rick 	Alright. Enough groovin'. Let's fight.
 	They all start fighting in the blacklight.
Rick 	Alright! Cool it! You don't get it, do you? You pigs'll never catch up with little Ricky Cool!
Andy & Randy 	Oh, yes, we will! (they tackle him)
Rick 	Not you pigs! Those pigs!
Kermit 	Well, so much for little Ricky Cool. Let's go.
Spamela 	Don't you mean, let's go-go?
Rick 	Right on!
 	He turns the blacklight back on and they continue dancing. Bunsen and Beaker watch the clip from backstage, also dancing.
Dr. Bunsen 	Beaker, stop it, stop it. There'll be plenty of time to shake your groove thing later.
Beaker 	Ohhh.
 	Clifford enters with a basket of fruit.
Clifford 	Hey. What are you guys doing in the guest star's dressing room?
Dr. Bunsen 	Oh, Clifford, we were just looking for Mr. Rick Moranis.
Clifford 	Well, last time I saw him, he was walkin' his dog.
Beaker 	Oh.
Dr. Bunsen 	He has a dog? What kind?
Clifford 	I think it's a whippet.
 	Cue the Devo Whatnots.
Devo Muppets 	
♪ It's a whippet!
♪ Whippet good!
Clifford 	Now what do you need Rick for?
Dr. Bunsen 	We need his advice. You see, Clifford, we're having a bit of a problem with our latest invention, the Micro-Shrink-o-Matic machine.
 	He displays the humming machine.
Clifford 	Well, what's wrong with it?
Dr. Bunsen 	Well, its effects are just a trifle inconsistent. Mmm-watch.
 	He aims the machine at Beaker and shoots a ray towards him, which only shrinks Beaker's head.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Clifford 	Oh, man, Dr. Dew!
Dr. Bunsen 	Well, look on the bright side, Beakie-poo. At least one bottle of shampoo will last you a very long time.
Clifford 	Yeah, Beaker. You can use "Pinhead and Shoulders"! (laughs)
 	Beaker meeps, then engulfs his head with his hand.
==Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet==
 	Nigel and the crew take their places. The cow announcer sits in the booth.
Nigel 	Okay, everyone, team, get ready to cue the cow announcer in 3, 2, 1, CUE!!
Cow announcer (BB)	And now, the makers of Mooveltine, the brown flavored drink you'll swear is almost chocolatelike, are proud to bring you another exciting adventure of... Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet.
 	Switch to a B&W film of the program, with a toy rocket flying through space. Fade to a farm.
Cow announcer (BB)	Episode 26, "How Now, Space Cow?"
 	Moo-Ing and his henchcows have tied Dorothy to a chair, where she writhes.
Moo-Ing 	Excellent. Ha. Now all I need to do is get the deed to your plutonium ranch, and I, Moo-Ing the Merciless, evil emperor of the planet Lactosia, will rule the world! Ha ha ha ha!
Dorothy 	You evil tyrant!
Bart 	Stand back, boss. We're gonna blow this safe to kingdom come.
 	Moo-Ing gets behind the table and sets off a detonator, but the explosion is heard outside.
Moo-Ing 	What happened?
Bart 	Uh, I just remembered, I left the dynamite in the car.
Moo-Ing 	Idiot!
 	Transition to later. The cow has strapped explosives to the safe.
Bart 	There, boss. That oughta blow it sky high.
Moo-Ing 	Well, it's about time. Do it.
 	The blast blows the safe through the roof and into the air. Moo-Ing rushes to the space.
Moo-Ing 	Where's the safe? What's become of it?
 	KLANG! The safe lands on him.
Bart 	It's on your head, boss.
Moo-Ing 	Idiot!
 	Transition to later. Dorothy is still tied up.
Dorothy 	You'll never get away with this, Moo-Ing.
Moo-Ing 	Says you, beautiful single ranch owner Dorothy Bovine. Now that I have the deed to your ranch, this plutonium ore mine of yours, is mine!
Dorothy 	What?
Moo-Ing 	Your ore mine is my ore mine!
Dorothy 	I have no idea what you're talking about.
Moo-Ing 	Look, you have a mine, correct?
Dorothy 	Yes.
Moo-Ing 	And it contains plutonium ore?
Dorothy 	Plutonium or what?
Moo-Ing 	Aaahhh! (facepalms)
 	Lash busts through the wall and laughs triumphantly.
Moo-Ing 	Egad! Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet! What are you doing here?
Lash Holstein 	I'm here to take back that deed, Moo-Ing.
Moo-Ing 	Ha! Over my boiled brisket you will! Get him, Bart!
Bart 	You're dead meat, Holstein.
Lash Holstein 	Actually, I'm red meat.
Bart 	Well, better dead than red.
Lash Holstein 	Oh yeah?
Bart 	Oh yeah?
 	They start punching each other, while Moo-Ing starts carrying Dorothy away.
Cow announcer (BB)	Tune in next time, same cow time, same cow channel for another rip-roaring episode of... Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet.
 	At a fancy resort, Statler and Waldorf sit by the pool, watching the show on a small TV.
Statler 	You know what's sad?
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch this dumb show.
Waldorf 	Ha. Neither can I.
 	They are approached by a blonde and a brunette.
Blonde 	Hi, guys. Mind if we join you?
Statler & Waldorf 	I've just thought of something.
 	Statler shoves the TV off the table and they both make room for the ladies.
Waldorf 	Here, sit down.
Statler 	Yes, please. Make yourself comfortable. How nice you look today.
==High Hopes==
 	Rick enters the commissary with two sweaters.
Rick 	Hey, guys.
Seymour 	Oh, hello!
Pepe 	Hello, Rick Moranis.
Rick 	Hey, can I ask you something?
Seymour 	Yeah.
Rick 	You know the medley I'm doing later in the show, the salute to late-fifties crooners, obscure British bands, and Bill Withers?
Pepe 	Si.
Seymour 	Mm-hmm.
Rick 	I was wondering, which sweater do you think would work better, the pullover or the cardigan?
Pepe 	Hmm. Well, let's see. The cardigan has a Perry Como feel, but the pullover screams Johnny Mathis.
Pullover (LCR)	Johnny Mathis! Johnny Mathis! Whoo! (runs out)
Rick 	I'll go with the cardigan.
Pepe 	Oh, Rick Moranis. You are such a humorful man. We will never be big stars like you.
Seymour 	Who's gonna give a show to a couple of cooks like us?
Rick 	Well, wait a second, guys. Here's an idea right there. Why don't you do a cooking show? In fact, I'd be honored to be the first celebrity guest.
Seymour 	But what if we don't have what it takes?
Pepe 	Si.
Rick 	Well, all you need is a positive attitude and... (glances at camera) high hopes. Let me tell you a little story.
 	Music swells up.
Pepe 	You have to?
Rick 	I'm afraid so.
 	They notice an ant on the table.
Rick 	
♪ Once there was a little old ant,
♪ Thought he'd move--
 	Seymour promptly squishes the ant, and the music stops.
Pepe 	(screams)
Rick 	What'd you do that for?
Seymour 	Th-there was an ant on the table. I smashed it!
Rick 	It was a musical ant! He was there for the song!
Seymour 	Oh. Sorry.
 	A tiny ambulance stops, and two paramedic ants take him away on a stretcher while his wife bawls.
Ant wife 	(crying) Oh, Anthony ... (unintelligible) ...
Ant paramedic 	Will you shut up?
 	The ambulance drives away.
Rick 	Okay. Where was I? (music starts up again)
♪ That ant had high hopes,
♪ That dead ant had high hopes, before you smashed him, he had - 
♪ High apple-pie in-the-sky hopes.
Pepe 	I get it!
♪ So anytime we're feeling low...
Seymour 	♪ 'stead of letting go ...
Rick 	♪ Just remember that ant.
Seymour 	Yeah!
Seymour & Pepe	♪ Whoops, there goes another ambulanced ...
Pepe 	♪ Oops, there goes another ambulanced ...
All three 	♪ Whoops, there goes another ambulanced ant!
Rick 	"Ambulanced ant"?
Seymour 	You know, Pepe, Rick is right. If we do this cooking show, we can finally get out of this humdrum, meaningless existence and be somebody.
Pepe 	Yes, Seymour. From now on, it's you and me calling the shots, and as God is my witness, we'll never have to cook again!
Rick 	Well, except on the cooking show.
Seymour 	What? Why's that?
Rick 	Aw, skip it.
 	Cue the Devo Whatnots.
Devo Muppets 	
♪♪ He said skip it!
♪ Skip it good ♪
 	Seymour and Pepe continue dancing as Rick exits.
Rick 	Oh, this is a weird place.
Seymour 	Thank you.
Pepe 	Ha ha ha ha.
==Codependence Day==
 	Metallic text appears on a black screen.
A. Ligator 	(reading the screens) July 2, they arrive. July 3, they attack. July 4, they begin therapy.
 	Fade to a therapist's office. An alien sits next to the President on a couch.
Therapist (DG)	Well, tell me, Meepzorp, why did you want to blow up Earth?
Meepzorp 	Because you stupid humans never listen to our needs.
Therapist (DG)	Now, now, now, let's try to talk this through. How do you feel about what Meepzorp's just said, Mr. President?
President (JN)	Well, first of all, I asked him why the aliens never told us what they wanted, they just came and blew up the White House.
Meepzorp 	Hey, people cheered.
President (JN)	Huh, just the Republicans.
Therapist (DG)	And the Perot people.
Meepzorp 	Leave Perot out of this. He's one of us.
President (JN)	And then I asked him why they blew up New York, Los Angeles, Moscow, London--
Therapist (DG)	Well, I think blowing up those cities was really just Meepzorp's way of acting out his inner anger.
Meepzorp 	Oh, fine, fine. Make me the bad guy.
President (JN)	Oh. Huh?
 	The room goes dark, and a horn honks outside.
Meepzorp 	Oh, gotta go. My ride's here.
President (JN)	Always, "Gotta go. My ride's here." Always just when we're gettin' somewhere!
Meepzorp 	Ehhh...
President (JN)	Ask him why that is!
Meepzorp 	Ehhh...
A. Ligator 	Coming soon ... (reads) Codependence Day. This time, it's innerpersonal.
==Backstage==
 	Meepzorp advances past Clifford while he's on the phone.
Clifford 	(on the phone) That's right, baby. Yeah, the show's half over. I'll be home soon. Yeah. Yeah. (to Meepzorp) Hey, man. Good job.
Meepzorp 	Hey, thanks. You know, I turned down 3rd Rock for this.
Clifford 	Well, we all make mistakes.
Meepzorp 	Good point. (walks away)
Clifford 	(on the phone) What was that? ... Aw, honey - naw, I can't tell you what's happenin' on Space Cowdets! Naw, baby! Naw, naw, you gotta watch the show. Yeah, yeah, that's right, you got-- hey!
 	The B&W cows pop out of the TV and continue fighting inside the control room.
Clifford 	Hey, knock it off, you two! Who do you think you are, Evander Holycow? - (on the phone) Aw, come on, baby. It wasn't that bad a joke. (dial tone) -- I guess it was.
 	Meanwhile, Kermit encounters Rick at his dressing room.
Rick 	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, hi, Rick.
Rick 	I gotta tell you, I've done a lot of TV shows and movies, but I've never seen a fruit basket the likes of what you guys got me.
Kermit 	Oh, really? You haven't? It's uh ...
Rick 	Look at that thing!
 	Kermit gasps when he sees the giant fruit basket.
Rick 	It's beautiful. Of course, I think, you know, it might clog up my Juice Buddy 2000, but it's the thought. Thanks.
 	Rick picks up a giant strawberry and takes a bite as he closes the door.
Kermit 	Yeah, you're-- you're welcome.
 	Kermit shrugs and walks off. Bunsen notices him from afar; Beaker still has a tiny head.
Dr. Bunsen	Well, I think we need to make a few minor adjustments to the Micro-Shrink-o-Matic machine, Beakie.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Dr. Bunsen	Oh, don't worry, Beakie. We'll get around to fixing your head... eventually.
Beaker 	(cowers)
==Lash Holstein part 2==
 	Nigel and the crew take their places. The cow announcer sits in the booth.
Nigel 	Okay, stand by the announcer for the conclusion of Space Cowdets. Eugene, could you get me an apple?
 	Eugene fetches him a giant apple.
Nigel 	(eyes widen) Oh, Eugene. - AND CUE!
Cow announcer (BB)	And now another exciting episode of... Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet.
 	Moo-Ing carries Dorothy away while Lash and Bart continue fighting inside.
Dorothy 	Lash! Help!
Moo-Ing 	Quit mooing. They'll never hear you! They've got at least another hour left in that fight!
 	Angle on the two of them fighting.
Moo-Ing 	Now, get in that ship! I'm taking you back to Lactosia, where you will become my bride!
Dorothy 	No! Never!
Moo-Ing 	Ha ha ha! Move along! Ha ha ha!
 	Lash and Bart break bottles over each other. Moo-Ing tries to start the ship's engine, but fails.
Dorothy 	Nice going, Moo-Ing. You flooded it.
Moo-Ing 	Silence! Oh, where are those intergalactic jumper cables?
 	Bart beats Lash with a chair, then uses him to break the table. Moo-Ing examines the jumper cables, then notices a farmer on a tractor.
Moo-Ing 	Dorothy, which one of these is positive?
Dorothy 	I'll never tell you. Never!
Moo-Ing 	Oh, good grief. Hey, farm person!
Farmer (SW) 	Whoa.
Moo-Ing 	Would you give me a jump start?
Farmer (SW) 	Forget that. I don't give jumps to cows. Especially ones wearin' sissy capes.
Moo-Ing 	Sissy?!? This cape belonged to my father, Hazel the Well-Accessorized!
Farmer (SW) 	Hazel? (snickers, laughs) Hazel! (laughs)
 	Moo-Ing zaps him with his ray gun.
Moo-Ing 	Idiot! (blows)
 	Bart breaks a cabinet over Lash, then punches him through it. Moo-Ing finally starts the engine.
Moo-Ing 	Ha ha! And you said it was flooded. We're off!
 	The ship takes off. Moo-Ing laughs sinisterly, when the door suddenly opens -
Dorothy 	Lash!
Moo-Ing 	Huh?
Lash Holstein 	Hold it right there, Moo-Ing. I'm about to kick your sweet acidophilus right out of this galaxy, buddy.
 	Moo-Ing picks up his ray gun.
Dorothy 	Look out, Lash! He's got a ray gun!
 	The two get into a tug-of-war with the gun, when Dorothy takes the wheel.
Dorothy 	Look out! We're going to crash!
 	They gasp. The ship crashes into a planet.
Cow announcer (BB)	Next week, join Lash Holstein and his daring devils for another pasteurized adventure of... Lash Holstein, Space Cowdet.
 	Statler and Waldorf continue watching.
Statler 	Boy, that show was bad.
Waldorf 	I wonder whatever happened to those cows.
Waiter 	(serves them) Here are your steaks.
Statler 	... No. It couldn't be.
Waldorf 	Why not?
Statler 	Because these are well-done.
 	They chuckle.
==Boarshead Revisited==
A. Ligator	Muppet Classic Theater presents Howard Tubman in Boarshead Revisited: Applebutter and Applebutterability.
 	Howard sits at the dinner table, tossing another jar away.
Howard 	(burps) Oh. Oh, Carter. I ate entirely too much apple butter.
Carter 	I'll go fetch another jar, sir.
Howard 	(bangs fist on table) HALT! I've just noticed I'm entirely too fat! Carter, I want you to take this last jar of apple butter, and hide it. And no matter how much I beg, DON'T tell me where it is. Promise?
Carter 	Promise indeed, sir.
Howard 	Oh, thank you. Alrighty. (covers eyes) Go ahead. Hide away. ♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care, Jimmy crack corn, –– is it hidden?
Carter 	Mmm, yes, sir.
Howard 	Good. Alright, where is it?
Carter 	You made me promise not to tell you, sir!
Howard 	Well, I cha - I changed my mind. Tell me. Come on.
Carter 	I'm afraid I can't tell you, sir.
Howard 	Then I'll just tear this place apart if I have to! (hesitates) ... Carter, tear this place apart.
Carter 	Very good, sir.
Howard 	'kay.
 	Carter knocks over a suit of armor.
Howard 	Say, you're uh, you're not avoiding the place where you hid the apple butter, are you, Carter?
Carter 	Mmm, it hadn't occurred to me, sir.
Howard 	Okay. Just curious.
 	Switch to later. The place is now more of a mess. Carter tosses a vase, and Howard rings the dinner bell.
Howard 	Okay, okay, okay, okay. You win, Carter. You don't have to tell me where the apple butter is. A shame, though. I was gonna give you your first day off in forty years.
Carter 	(perks up) –– I taped it to the small of your back, sir.
Howard 	Wha –– really? Oh! Isn't that clever!
 	They both laugh.
Howard 	Okay! Okay, grab it, would you, Carter?
Carter 	Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I have the rest of the day off. Good night, sir.
 	Carter exits, and Howard tries to grab the taped jar off his back.
Howard 	What? What? No, no, the, the, uh, just grab the apple butter here. Carter? Carter, the –– I'll get it myself, then, I –– nope –– okay ––
==Backstage==
 	Rick does some vocal warmups in the green room. There's a knock on the door.
Rick 	♪ One note samba... come in!
Kermit 	You wanted to see me, Rick?
Rick 	Yeah, Kerm. I wanted to thank you personally for allowing me to do my salute to the late fifties crooners, obscure British bands, and Bill Withers.
Kermit 	Uh, y-yeah, but, Rick, we canceled that number.
Rick 	(stands up) What?!
Kermit 	(cowers) Uh, y-you're guesting on Seymour and Pepe's cooking show instead.
Rick 	But I thought I could do both!
Kermit 	Well, but we don't have enough time for both.
Rick 	Well, the only reason I'm on the show is because of that medley.
Kermit 	Okay. I-I'll see what I can do, Rick.
Rick 	Wow, I gotta call my agent.
 	Rick picks up the phone; Kermit frets as he exits. With Kermit gone, Rick puts down the phone, and summons his agent with a mortar and pestle.
Rick 	(chanting) William Morris'... Creative Artists!
 	A devil materializes behind him, wearing a headset.
Devil (DG)	Ha ha ha!
Rick 	Morty, how could you let this happen?
Devil (DG)	Can I be honest with you, Rick? Between you and me, all things being equal, I wasn't listening. I'm on a conference call right now. What's the problem?
Rick 	They cut the medley!
Devil (DG)	What medley?
Rick 	The medley I was supposed to do in the show!
Devil (DG)	I didn't make the deal. I was on a conference call like I am now. I had to bring in your lawyer.
Devil (JN)	(poofs in) Ha ha. What's the matter with you, baby?
Rick 	Phil, you gotta help me out here.
Devil (JN)	Oh. Ha ha ha. Just leave that little frog to me.
Kermit 	(enters) Hi-ho.
Devil (JN)	So, little one... we hear you canceled Rick's number.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah. We had to. There's not enough time left in the show.
Devil (JN)	He's playin' hardball with us, Rick.
Rick 	Well, play hardball back.
Devil (JN)	Oh, right. Kermit... either our client performs his number, or we'll make it RAIN FROGS FOR SEVEN DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS!
 	The devils cackle.
Kermit 	Oh, good. A family reunion. That'll be fun.
Devil (DG)	Okay, okay, alright. How 'bout this? How 'bout this? A plague of locusts upon your people.
Devil (JN)	Yeah!
Kermit 	Locusts? Yummy!
Devil (JN)	Ooh, this guy's tough, Rick. He's very shrewd. Most people buckle ––
Rick 	Aw, forget it. I'll handle it myself. (exits)
Devil (DG)	We still get our 10%.
Devil (JN)	Yeah, or your second-born, whichever come first!
==Hey What Smells==
 	The stage is set up for Seymour and Pepe's cooking show. Applause.
Pepe 	Thank you. Thank you so much.
Seymour 	Thank you. Thank you. Alright.
Pepe 	Hello, and welcome to our very own cooking show.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Pepe 	Richard?
 	Their theme music plays.
Seymour 	♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	♪ I'm Pepe.
Both 	♪ Our guest is Rick Moranis.
Pepe 	♪ We hope you like our cooking show...
Seymour 	♪ So Kermit does not can us!
Both 	Ta-da!
Pepe 	Tonight, we are going to make a delicacy enjoyed in many of the finest restaurants in the world.
Both 	That gourmet treat, bread!
Seymour 	Yes, Pepe, and to show us how to make bread, here's our guest celebrity cook, Rick Moranis!
 	Rick comes out to applause.
Rick 	Hey, it's so fab to be here on Hey, What Smells. What kind of a name is that?
Seymour 	Uh, no, no, no. It's Hey, What Smells So Good? It's Time to Cook with Seymour and Pepe.
Pepe 	Yes, yes, uh, but the letters were too big, so that's all we could fit on the sign, okay.
Rick 	Well, what the heck. You know, the real way to make boss bread is with plenty of yeast, and while we're waitin' for the dough to rise, I'd like to say that... (jazzy music plays) Through the years, there have been a lot of great singers. Here's a little tribute to the golden throats of days gone by.
Seymour 	Is this enough yeast?
Pepe 	No, no. Rick said plenty of yeast.
Seymour 	Alright.
 	Rick begins his medley as the two "cooks" empty the bag of yeast into the bowl. Before long, the dough rises to epic proportions and sprouts teeth and eyes.
Seymour 	My goodness.
Pepe 	Oh no, it's too big. It's too big!
Seymour 	Oh boy!
 	Rick continues singing, as they try to ward off the bread monster.
Seymour 	Go away!
Pepe 	Everything's gonna be alright!
Seymour 	Down, bread, down!
 	Seymour fetches a pistol, covers his eyes and starts firing at the bread monster.
Pepe 	No, Seymour! This was not a good idea, okay! Don't use the gun!
 	Rick continues singing, oblivious to the danger. Bunsen and Beaker enter with the Micro-Shrink-o-Matic.
Dr. Bunsen 	Don't worry, we'll help you! Beaker, power on!
 	They aim the ray at the bread monster, which has Pepe in its mouth.
Pepe 	No no! You'll ruin the recipe!
 	Bunsen fires the ray, but it only hits Pepe. Clifford and Zippity Zap watch all this happening on the TV monitor backstage.
Clifford 	(on the phone) Hold on, honey. You're not gonna believe what just happened to Pepe.
 	Rick continues singing, as a giant Pepe towers over him.
Seymour 	Wow. Look at him.
Zippity Zap	Man, what I wouldn't give for a tanker truck full of cocktail sauce! (laughs with Clifford)
 	Rick finishes his medley; applause. He finally looks behind him and sees the commotion.
Rick 	What the heck's going on here? That's not how you work a shrinking machine, Bunsen!
Dr. Bunsen 	Well - uh ...
Rick 	You gotta set it to maximum beam field width! (demonstrates)
Dr. Bunsen 	Well, what does that mean?
Rick 	Turn this sucker up!
 	Rick turns up the ray, and it hits all of them, making them shrink, and the bread monster disappear.
Rick 	(looks around) Well, I guess I might as well sing the medley again. (he starts singing it again) –– Good night, everybody! (applause)
==Epilogue==
 	Backstage, Rick hands Clifford a box on his way out.
Clifford 	(on the phone) Hey, honey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we made it through the show. I'll be home soon.
Rick 	Hey, Clifford.
Clifford 	Yeah, Rick?
Rick 	I had a swell time, I got you a little something, and if you don't mind, I'm gonna keep the cardigan. Gary, I'll call you next week about the roast.
Gary Cahuenga	Beautiful, Ricky.
Clifford 	Yeah, thanks, Rick. And thanks for the present.
Rizzo 	So long!
Clifford 	(on the phone) Hey, baby, Rick Moranis just left me with a present.
 	The four shrunken Muppets peek out of the box.
Pepe 	All in all, Clifford, I think the cooking show was a success, don't you think?
Clifford 	Uh-oh. Uh... I got a small problem here, baby, but it's a big small problem.
 	They all laugh. The credits roll, with outtakes from "Codependence Day" and "Lash Holstein".
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts