The Commander (Episode)

Since the old Commander is married, Space Tree is in need of a new Commander. Also, Allon receives an Award.
== Transcript ==
(open to Space Tree whacking a control panel with a baseball bat)
SPACE TREE: That should do it. Commander, could you report to whatever room this is, please?
(enter Allon in the Commander's outfit)
ALLON: I'm already here, Space Tree.
SPACE TREE: Oh. Well, someone broke that control panel, and since you're the new commander, it's your duty to fix it!
ALLON: Yes sir, Space Tree!
SPACE TREE: Yeah.
(10 MINUTES LATER)
MEE: So, did you use the baseball bat?
SPACE TREE: Yeah. It should keep him busy for a while.
(Allon enters the room)
ALLON: The job is done, Captain Space Tree!
SPACE TREE: What?
MEE: Captain?
ALLON: The control panel is completely repaired, just like you wanted!
SPACE TREE: ... You know, the old Commander would have take much longer than that.
ALLON: Actually, he probably would've electrocuted himself, and then made me fix it and taken all the credit.
MEE: Yep. He sure was stupid.
SPACE TREE: Hey, the new Commander is just as stupid as the old one.
MEE: Well, I'm not going to argue with that.
ALLON: Is there anything else you want me to do, Space Tree?
SPACE TREE: Uh, yeah. Something keeps crawling around in the air ducts. Go up there and kill it.
ALLON: Uh, that's me, Space Tree. I live up there.
MEE: (handing him a knife) Here, use this knife.
SPACE TREE: OK, then, I've got a better job for you. Go outside, into space, and paint the ship red.
ALLON: The WHOLE ship?
SPACE TREE: Well, unless you're not up to it...
ALLON: No, no, I'm up to it. It's just... this must take me a bit longer than 10 minutes.
(11 MINUTES LATER)
ALLON: All done, Space Tree!
SPACE TREE: Oh, come on! 11 minutes?! Now it's just getting ridiculous!
ALLON: (as he talks, the camera pans to the left, where the alien guy just stares stunned at the screen; after that, it pans back) Well, actually, it took me two days to paint the whole ship, but then we were fortunate to pass by a black hole, so I dived in, and got transported back it time to here! So it just looks like it took 11 minutes!
(Pause)
SPACE TREE If you travelled back in time, wouldn't the ship here still be unpainted? And shouldn't there be two of you?
ALLON: Uh...
SPACE TREE: I don't want you bringing your time paradoxes onto my ship, Commander.
ALLON: Sorry, I forgot.
SPACE TREE: (handing Allon a broom) Here, go clean them up.
ALLON: Clean what up?
SPACE TREE: The time paradoxi.
ALLON: Okay...
SPACE TREE: (drops the broom) And after you've done that, go and paint the ship blue.
ALLON: What? But I just---
SPACE TREE: Hey, the old commander would have done it.
ALLON: No he wouldn't!
SPACE TREE: Don't yell at me, Commander!
ALLON: I'm not yelling! (points at Space Tree) You are!
(Cut to the outside of the ship, which is red. A coat of blue paint wipes across it. Cut back to the inside of the ship. There is a red stain on the wall. Allon enters, exhausted.)
ALLON: The ship is back to how it was, Space Tree. Can I take a break now?
(Space Tree enters, wearing shades and smoking a pipe.)
SPACE TREE: Oh, look who finally showed up. You're not so fast when you don't have any black hole paradoxees to help you out, are you?
ALLON: Yeah, well, (mutters gibberish)
SPACE TREE: Speaking of black holes, maybe you should go and paint the ship black.
ALLON: (eyes suddenly become wide) Maybe you should fuck off!
(pause)
SPACE TREE: Okay, Commander, I'll let that one slide. Just go into that room (points to a door with a piece of paper taped onto it marked "Paint Room") and get the paint.
ALLON: You go into the room and get the paint, and you'll paint yourself black!
SPACE TREE: (starts talking near the end of Allon's ramble) Okay, I get it, Commander. You're not even making sense now.
ALLON: And stop calling me the Commander! I'm not the Commander, and I never will be.
SPACE TREE: Dammit, Allon, will you shut the hell up and get in that room?
ALLON: Fine! (Rips off shirt, revealing a red shirt that says, "Say no to drugs") But I'm not the Commander. (enters the "Paint room", revealing Tahoma with a microphone and a banner that says "Congratulations Commander!")
TAHOMA: Congratulations, Commander. You've just won the Channel J News World's Greatest Commander award! (the Channel J News watermark appears in the corner of the screen)
ALLON: Say what? (is wearing a shirt that says "Say what to drugs")
TAHOMA: That's right, Commander Allon. Meelord and Space Tree nominated you for the award and you won!
ALLON: I won?
TAHOMA: (hands Allon a signed mug) Here's the honorary World's Greatest Commander mug, signed by the founder of Channel J News, Philip Horseman.
ALLON: Wow. You guys really nominated me? (shirt says "say no to drugs" again.)
(cut to Space Tree and Mee. Mee has a tear drawn under his eye.)
SPACE TREE: That's right, Allon.
ALLON: But why?
SPACE TREE: I'll tell you why, Commander. Because we care.
MEE: We really, really do. See? I'm shedding a tear. (points to it)
TAHOMA: And now, I'll present the most important part of the World's Greatest Commander award, (holds up a briefcase marked "Prize Money") ten thousand dollars.
MEE: (interrupting Tahoma) Uh, wait a minute, Tahoma. Don't worry about that part. Me and Space Tree will give it to him later.
TAHOMA: Well, I have to film the Commander receiving the prize money so I can show it on air tonight! You don't know how TV works, sweetie. I do have a microphone, y'know.
MEE: No, no, it's no problem. Look, I know how TV works, Tahoma. Just use some editing tricks in post to make it look like he received the award. You do trust me, right?
TAHOMA: Of course I do, but just make sure he gets the money. I don't want to lose my job.
MEE: Just trust me, Tahoma. And maybe someday, (suggestively) I can trust you.
(cut to Space Tree. Mee walks up carrying the briefcase.)
MEE: Check it out, Space Tree. My girlfriend doesn't suspect a thing.
SPACE TREE: I thought you said this whole thing was her idea.
MEE: Oh yeah, it is. So she gets a third of the money as well. I'll give it to her.
(enter Allon)
ALLON: Hey, what's with that briefcase?
SPACE TREE: Uh, nothing.
MEE: It's just for my friend, Jonathan Money.
SPACE TREE: Yeah. We call him "Prize" for short.
ALLON: Well, Jonathan's getting a new briefcase and I've got the World's Greatest Commander award. (is now wearing a shirt that says "Predictable Entry Imminent") This is the best day of my-- (Commander jumps in out of nowhere, interrupting Allon)
COMMANDER: Hey everyone, I'm back.
MEE: Who are you?
COMMANDER: Yup, me and the Stem got a separation thing, so it's all--hey, what's with that banner?
SPACE TREE: Uh...
COMMANDER: Did you guys nominate me for the Commander of the Year award?
ALLON: It's World's Greatest Commander, not Commander of the Year.
COMMANDER: Allon, what do you know about commandering? There's only one commander on this ship. Is that my award there?
ALLON: Uh, this is just--
COMMANDER: (snatches mug from Allon) Gimme that. Woah, World's Greatest Commander. If anyone here deserves this award, it's me. Right, Allon?
{brief pause, then...}
(roll credits)
== Easter Eggs ==
* At the end screen, there is a hidden, commander-head-shaped button. (the Commander comes in, the scene is from the actual episode, but the Commander is black, and Allon is wearing a shirt that says PREDICTABLE ENTRY IMMINENT) ALLON: This is the best day of my... COMMANDER: Hey everyone, I'm black!
* At the right corner of the end screen, there is a small tear-shaped button (cut to Mee) MEE: You see, the key to this whole operation is me drawing a blue tear underneath my eye. It totally looks like I'm crying. (pan over to a really weird looking Space Tree, with huge eyes and a drawn tear, too) SPACE TREE: Yes.
* After Allon fixes the controls, when Space Tree says "what", one lens in his sunglasses is rainbow colour.
== Fun Facts ==
* This episode marks the 50th appearance of the Commander.
* This episode marks the 5th appearance of uncensored cuss words, following I'm Gonna Kill You in the Space, Hand Shake, Frame Game, Forescore Jones: Xmas, and The Sanctity.
* Space Tree shed a tear in Kill or Kick without eyes.
== References ==
* The knife Mee hands Allon to kill himself is the Scalpel from Serious Tingling.
* The Broom Space Tree gives Allon is from Panic Broom.
* Once again, a reference to Philip Seymour Horseman.
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