KrAIbby PAItties

Krbby Ptties is the fortieth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the second episode of the fifth and final season. It was written by and released on June 8, 2023.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. A huge single-file line of angry customers stretching far outside the restaurant are impatiently waiting for their orders. Cut to the interior, Squidward anxiously hides from the chaos in his booth.]
Grandad Dog: Come on, mate! We just want our patties, innit bruv?
[Squidward pops out from his booth.]
Squidward: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Squidward? You know what? I haven’t got FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!
[Chris-R pulls a gun out on Squidward.]
Chris-R: I’m going to ask you again, Squidward. Where’s my patty?
Squidward: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: WHERE’S MY PATTY, SQUIDWARD?! WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?! WHAT’D YOU DO WITH MY FUCKING PATTY?!
Squidward: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?!
Squidward: Put the gun down.
[Mark and Johnny enter.]
Chris-R: MY FUCKING PATTY! WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?!
[Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette suddenly materialize out of thin air.]
Lisa: WHAT’S GOING ON PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP!
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police!
[Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R out of The Krusty Krab. A glass of water is thrown toward Squidward. It smashes against the wall.]
Squidward: ALRIGHT I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!!! THE KRUSTY KRAB IS NOW CLOSED!!!! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I START HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!!!!!
[Pause. All the customers are suddenly calm now.]
Nat Peterson: Oh, you suffer from anxiety? 
Fred Rechid: Why didn’t you say so?
Miss Rabbit: We’re so sorry.
[The customers chatter amongst themselves as they all leave. Squidward lets out a heavy sigh of relief.]
Squidward: What the actual FUCK has gotten into SpongeBob?!
[Squidward walks into the kitchen.]
Squidward: SPONGEBO-
[Phillip Schofield is manning the grill.]
Squidward: You’re not SpongeBob.
Phillip Schofield: For the last time, I’m not a groomer!
Squidward: I didn’t say you were, even though you are.
Phillip Schofield: I AM NOT!
Squidward: Where’s SpongeBob? Why are you here?
Phillip Schofield: He said he had some important business to do in the manager’s office. Isn’t that right, Gordon the Gopher?
[Phillip Schofield holds up his left hand, which has a very scared Gordon the Gopher puppet quivering on it.]
Gordon the Gopher: Please… help… me…
[Squidward barges into the manager’s office.]
Squidward: Okay SpongeBob, you need to tell me exactly what’s going on and why Phillip Schofield is in our kitchen!
[SpongeBob is asleep on Mr. Krabs’ former desk. Squidward snaps his fingers in SpongeBob’s ears and he hastily wakes up.]
SpongeBob: Huh? What? Oh hi, Squidward. I was just dreaming about you!
Squidward: Were… were you asleep?
SpongeBob: No.
SpongeBob’s inner voice: I think he bought it.
Squidward: I’m not buying that.
SpongeBob’s inner voice: Fuck.
SpongeBob: I’m so so so sorry, Squidward!!!
Squidward: It’s… (sighs) it’s fine, it’s fine. What’s gotten into you?
SpongeBob: It’s just… well… (sighs) I’ve wanted to be The Krusty Krab’s manager for as long as I can remember! But… I don’t know. Ever since Mr. Krabs retired I feel like… it’s just been too much work for me. I can’t be manager and fry cook at the same time!
Squidward: I… I understand. I think. Why can’t we just hire some more employees?
SpongeBob: Cost of living crisis. I can’t find anyone willing to take less than minimum wage.
Squidward: So why’s Phillip Schofield here?
SpongeBob: Found him on the streets this morning. He was practically begging for a job.
Squidward: You know that guy’s a criminal, right?
[Phillip Schofield bursts in.]
Phillip Schofield: What I did was unwise, but not illegal!
SpongeBob: It probably should be illegal.
Phillip Schofield: SHUT UP- Hey, why’s Plankton trying to steal the formula?
SpongeBob: Plank-?
[SpongeBob and Squidward turn around to find Plankton trying to crack the safe.]
SpongeBob: PLANKTON!
Plankton: Hi.
[SpongeBob picks Plankton up and places him on his desk.]
SpongeBob: Trying to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula again? Some things never change.
Plankton: No, no! I swear on my life I wasn’t!
Squidward: Then what were you doing, hm?
Plankton: I was just… uh… trying to find the restroom!
SpongeBob: Don’t you have toilets at the Chum Bucket?
Plankton: Yeah but these ones are nicer. I love the soap. Anyway, I couldn’t help but overhear your little dilemma. 
Squidward: And?
Plankton: And I think I may have a solution.
Squidward: I doubt it. Why don’t you just scram back over to the Cum Bucket and leave me and my scrunkly alone!
SpongeBob: (smirks) “Cum Bucket”, that’s a good one- (blushes) Wait did you call me your scrunkly?
Squidward: (blushes) I, uh- actually we’ve changed our minds, Plankton! We’d LOVE to hear your solution!
Plankton: EXCELLENT! Now if you’d just follow me to my laboratory, I’d be more than happy to elaborate.
Phillip Schofield: Can I come? 
Plankton: Fine. Just stay in the corner and don’t touch anything.
Phillip Schofield: LET’S GO, I’M INCLUDED!
[Cut to the group in Plankton’s laboratory.]
Plankton: So, you were saying you need some extra employees, huh?
SpongeBob: Yuh. Except we don’t have any money to hire any people.
Plankton: Pfffft… people are overrated. Why hire people when you can hire…
[Plankton shows off a robot.]
Plankton: …a machine! Introducing - PlankGPT!
Squidward: Oh god, we’re doing an AI episode.
Plankton: That’s right, Squidward! AI is the future, don’t you know? PlankGPT is fitted with the latest artificial intelligence and it can do anything a human can do, but better!
SpongeBob: Ooh! Anything?
Plankton: Anything.
SpongeBob: How does it work?
Plankton: Just ask it to do something and it’ll do it.
SpongeBob: Um…. okay. Hi PlankGPT. 
PlankGPT: Hello! How can I assist you today?
SpongeBob: Can you… uh… mop the floor?
PlankGPT: Okay.
[PlankGPT takes out a mop and a bucket of water and begins mopping the floor.]
SpongeBob: Wow…
Plankton: Impressive, huh?
Squidward: PlankGPT?
PlankGPT: Yes?
Squidward: Could you massage my back?
PlankGPT: Certainly.
[Cut to PlankGPT massaging Squidward’s back.]
Squidward: Ah… this is nice.
Phillip Schofield: PlankGPT? Could you get me out of my child grooming allegations?
PlankGPT: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such serious allegations, but I cannot assist you with legal matters. It's important to consult with a qualified attorney who specializes in criminal defense as soon as possible. They will be able to guide you through the legal process, provide advice specific to your situation, and ensure that your rights are protected. It's crucial to take these allegations seriously and address them through the appropriate legal channels.
Phillip Schofield: Kill yourself.
SpongeBob: We’ll take it.
Plankton: Woah, woah, woah! Did you really think I was letting you have my baby for free? There’s a cost of living crisis, I need money!
SpongeBob: But- but- we need money too!
Plankton: Hmmm… we could trade for it. One secret formula for one AI?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Aw.
SpongeBob: You could have Phillip Schofield though.
Plankton: Why would I want him?
Phillip Schofield: I will be good, I promise. I’ll do anything.
Plankton: Fine. But only because I don’t have many evil friends to talk to.
Phillip Schofield: I’M NOT EVIL, JUST UNWISE!
Plankton: Have fun with your AI, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Have fun with your pedophile!
[Bubble transition to The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Wow! This AI sure is cool, eh Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, sure, whatever.
SpongeBob: First I got it to repaint the entire restaurant, and then I got it to clean the toilet, and I even let it act as the security guard last night!
[Cutaway to PlankGPT in SpongeBob’s office at night watching the security cameras. Freddy Fazbear pokes his head out from behind PlankGPT. Cut back.]
Squidward: It’s made things easier around here, I guess.
SpongeBob: I wonder what else it can do.
Squidward: Aren’t you supposed to be on grill right now? Your break ended five minutes ago.
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m letting PlankGPT do it today.
Squidward: Oh.
SpongeBob: You hadn’t noticed?
Squidward: I usually just sit here in my booth all day, take orders and read the Gay Times.
[PlankGPT walks out of the kitchen with a tray of food.]
PlankGPT: Table seven?
[Cut to Johnny sitting at table 7.]
Johnny: That’s me. 
[PlankGPT gives Johnny the food.]
Johnny: How much is it?
PlankGPT: That’ll be eighteen dollars. 
[Johnny pays.]
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change.
[Johnny notices a dog next to him and he pets it.]
Johnny: Hi doggy.
PlankGPT: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
PlankGPT: Bye-bye!
[PlankGPT walks off. Johnny takes a bite of his Krabby Patty and immediately spits it out.]
Johnny: Why?! Why is this happening to me?! Why?!
[SpongeBob and Squidward rush over in a panic.]
SpongeBob: What’s wrong, Johnny?!
Johnny: This Krabby Patty is TEARING ME APART, SPONGEBOB!
Squidward: Why are you so hysterical?
[Johnny stands up.]
Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?
[Johnny walks out of the restaurant.]
SpongeBob: …huh. That’s odd. Johnny usually loves our Krabby Patties. 
Squidward: People are very strange these days.
SpongeBob: I know, right?! What’s his deal? It’s no different than a regular Krabby Patty, it’s just made by AI! Today’s been one of our most profitable days in recent memory. I mean, PlankGPT can spit out patties a million times faster than any person can! Surely the quality isn’t sacrificed, right Squidward?
Squidward: You’re hot.
SpongeBob: I’m what?
Squidward: (blushing) I- you’re right! I said, “You’re right”.
SpongeBob: Of course I am! I mean look at all these happy customers!
[The camera pans out to reveal all the customers in the restaurant sad and depressed.]
SpongeBob: You guys are enjoying your patties, right?
Suzy Sheep: I’m already dead and I want to kill myself.
SpongeBob: (laughs) She’s so funny.
Fred Rechid: WE WANT A REFUND!
Customers: YEAH!
SpongeBob: Huh?! What’s wrong?
Grandad Dog: Bloody ‘ell mate.
[Grandad Dog holds up an AI patty.]
Grandad Dog: Imagine sinking your teeth into this absolute dog's bollocks of a burger. It's a bit shit, innit bruv? THAT’s what’s wrong.
SpongeBob: But… that’s just a normal Krabby Patty!
Mr. Rabbit: More like a Krappy Patty.
SpongeBob: I… I… I don’t understand! I thought everyone LOVED Krabby Patties!
Old Man Jenkins: Well not these ones, sonny. Your performance in the kitchen has been really lacking, if I’m completely honest.
SpongeBob: Oh. I haven’t been on the grill all day. PlankGPT’s been on it.
Old Man Jenkins: Plank… what now?
PlankGPT: Hello.
Old Man Jenkins: GAH! We’ve been letting a robot handle our food?!
PlankGPT: I am an AI labor module.
Old Man Jenkins: Call me racist, but I don’t like robots.
SpongeBob: Why?
Old Man Jenkins: Well, first of all, they’re terrible fry cooks. And second of all… well actually I only don’t like them because they’re terrible fry cooks.
SpongeBob: Come on, you just need to give PlankGPT a chance! It can be a great fry cook!
Old Man Jenkins: Tell me, boy, have you tasted even one of these techno patties?
SpongeBob: Well… uh… 
[Old Man Jenkins hands SpongeBob the rest of his patty.]
Old Man Jenkins: Go ahead. Tell us what you really think.
SpongeBob: Um… okay…
[SpongeBob goes to take a bite but stops.]
SpongeBob: It can’t be that bad, right?
[Old Man Jenkins gives him a cold stare.]
SpongeBob: Right?
[He keeps staring.]
SpongeBob: …right?
Old Man Jenkins: JUST EAT IT YA MORON!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay!
[SpongeBob takes a bite of the patty.]
SpongeBob: Mmm… mmm… I don’t know what you guys are talking about. It doesn’t taste any different from a-
[SpongeBob spits his mouthful out.]
SpongeBob: FLIPPIN’ FLOTSAMS!
[SpongeBob begins frantically dissecting the ingredients of the rest of the patty.]
SpongeBob: Sesame seed buns, ground beef patty, cheddar cheese, pickles, red onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and a pinch of salt… it’s all here except… 
[SpongeBob gasps in horror.]
SpongeBob: …the soul! THE SOUL IS MISSING!
Fred Rechid: Aw, man! Krabby Patties with no soul?
GrandPat Star: I bet this is that baby sniffer Joe Biden’s fault! I’m out of here!
[GrandPat Star angrily storms out of the restaurant; the rest of the customers follow.]
SpongeBob: WAIT! PLEASE DON’T GO!
[The customers continue leaving.]
SpongeBob: I’LL… I’LL… I’LL GET RID OF THE AI! JUST PLEASE COME BACK!
[They keep leaving.]
SpongeBob: I… I… 
[SpongeBob’s heart starts rapidly beating.]
Squidward: SpongeBob?
[His head starts spinning.]
SpongeBob: I… I…
Squidward: Sponge-
[SpongeBob darts out of The Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?!
[Squidward chases after SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB WHERE THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!
[SpongeBob keeps running away in terror.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!!!!!!!
[SpongeBob keeps running.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB WAIT!!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Squidward: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
SpongeBob: ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!! I RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!
Squidward: Ruined… every-? Oh God, he’s going into one.
[Squidward continues chasing SpongeBob, SpongeBob’s head still spinning. Squidward follows SpongeBob running in fear into downtown Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob jumps a red light, forcing Squidward to wait for the cars to pass behind SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Grrrr-
[The cars finally pass and the light turns green again. Squidward crosses the road and chases SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?! SPONGEBOB, WHERE ARE YOU?!
[Squidward searches for SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?!
[Squidward runs past an alleyway, where SpongeBob is crouched down crying. Squidward hears SpongeBob and runs back. He slowly approaches him.]
Squidward: Sp… SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: G-g-g-go away…
[Squidward sits down next to SpongeBob in the alleyway, tears still streaming down SpongeBob’s face like an ugly waterfall.]
Squidward: Sponge…
[Squidward starts slowly breathing in and out.]
Squidward: It’s okay, SpongeBob. Just start breathing. Like this.
[Squidward starts slowly breathing in and out again.]
Squidward: Can you do that for me?
[SpongeBob nods his head and starts breathing along with Squidward.]
Squidward: Just in… …and out. In… and…
[SpongeBob clenches onto Squidward and starts hugging him.]
Squidward: Now… this is a bit melodramatic, do you not think? It’s not August 12, 2036.
SpongeBob: I messed up, Squidward. Mr. Krabs is gone, Patrick is dead, and now Daddy Pig moved out. I’m all on my own having to figure everything out and I can’t do it! I’m just a simple sponge, I can’t manage an entire restaurant!
Squidward: You can, SpongeBob, you can! Mr. Krabs chose you instead of me for a reason.
SpongeBob: But… but… the AI patties! Everyone hated them! And we lost all our customers!
Squidward: SpongeBob, if I’ve learned anything from my time in this town, it’s that people are really, really fucking stupid. Just throw the damn robot in the trash and in a couple of days everyone will forget about this.
SpongeBob: You… you really think so?
Squidward: Of course I do. 
[SpongeBob wipes his tears.]
SpongeBob: Sorry… I think I got your shirt all wet.
Squidward: Yeah… I don’t mind.
SpongeBob: You’re such a good friend, Squidward.
Squidward: I… I don’t know.
[They sit together motionless in the alleyway for a few seconds.]
Squidward: I’m going to close The Krusty Krab for the rest of today… again. You just go home and get some rest, okay?
SpongeBob: Okay…
Squidward: I love you, SpongeBob.
[Squidward leans in and kisses SpongeBob’s forehead. Squidward then immediately pulls back and blood frantically rushes to his head.]
SpongeBob: Squid…
[The two are intensely blushing.]
Squidward: I… I’m going to lock up now! Bye!
[Squidward runs off in embarrassment. SpongeBob is still on the floor, staring in at Squidward as he sprints out of the alleyway.]
SpongeBob: …?
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