Regrets

Catt Hatter: *She had thought, and thought about it over the
past week, but she couldn't negotiate her way out of the guilt. Talking with
her friends hadn't swayed it, not that she could tell them what happened.
What's worse was that Alli hadn't been seen by anyone since! She needed to make
things right, she had to make it up to her friend somehow. The guilt bent her
neck so she stared at the floor as she made her way to Not-Allison's room. Catt
knocked on the door.*
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Not-Allison
was laying in bed, with the covers over her head. She had been trying to sleep,
something which she had been unsuccessful at for the past couple of weeks. The
girl had been held up in her room, pouring over books, trying to find some
meaning in it all. 
After returning to the Society from her...playdate...with Catt, the girl had
spent most of her time in the library and the dinning room, eating and reading.
But after Elias and then Dreamer...she couldn't bring her self to leave the
safety of her room and see all the hateful eyes that surrounded her. At night,
when everyone was asleep she would pour over the books and reports she had
taken from the library.
The tombs littered her room. Journals about HJ7 that she had borrowed from Hen
overflowed the small desk in the corner and onto the floor. History texts on
torture and fear were neatly stacked up by the wardrobe. And copies of the
Queen's census for London were scattered about the ground near her bed. 
Not-Allison sat up and rubbed her eyes yawning. She was tired, so tired but she
couldn't sleep. Every time the girl closed her eyes all she could see was the
hatred and disappointment on all the lodgers faces. Blink. Elias. Blink. Sozo.
Blink Mz. Hyde. Blink Jasper. She tried to ignore the rock that sat heavy in
her gut, as she stood up. Stumbling through the papers, the girl made her way
to the door and opened it rubbing her eyes.* 
What do you--
*She stopped short seeing Catt, stunned.*
Catt Hatter:  I need to
make it up to you, *Catt blurted as quietly as she could.* Everything you did,
that night. It was all undone, and you still haven't- I- I'm sorry! *Her voice
was shaking as tears made her sight blur and sway.* There has to be something
to make you feel better! You haven't been out of your room in a really long
time, that's no life! Please! Tell me how I can make it up to you!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  I...I...
*She stood there stunned. Catt...was at the door...her door. The girl hadn't
planned for this to happen. She thought Catt would run but no. Catt was
standing at her door, looking her in the face, crying, trying to make her feel
...better. It made no sense. After what she did, Catt should be scared not
trying to help...Scared. Sozo's words echoed through her head "Ever
since the accident, she hasn't felt afraid." Afraid...Catt's not
scared because she can't be scared. This changed everything
the girl knew. All of her experiments, projects, research had been based around
fear...something that didn't work on Catt. She hadn't told the lodgers about
what happened that night because she wasn't scared for her life...even after
the girl had left Elias for her. 
Not-Allison thought this was a game of Cat and mouse but the Catt had been
playing chess this whole time. 
And now here was Catt...standing at her door, crying, apologizing, trying to
make her feel better...this went against everything that Not-Allison knew about
humanity. Never before had she encountered this sort of selflessness. This
selflessness was stupid. It would easily get Catt killed or back on
Not-Allison's table. But Catt couldn't be killed, Hela had proved that
much. 
What was Catt doing here? What were her motives? She's here practically begging
to repeat that night. If this was a game of chess...what sort of move is this?
A warm anger began to creep up to the front of the girls mind. Does it
matter why this roach is here? If she's begging for death, then let her have
it! Fulfill her wish! End her. 
But how? She can't die. She feel fear. She can feel pain but it's not the
same...
...as what happened to me. Pain isn't solely physical but can be inflicted
emotionally as well.
Then how to hurt her emotionally without hurting everyone else?
... honesty.*
I...I...
*She looked around the empty hallways.*
Please come in...we shouldn't talk about this out here.
see more
Catt Hatter:  O-okay,
*Catt sniffed, stepping into the room. She heard the door click shut behind
her. Whatever came next, she wasn't running.* What's first?
Hyde without a Jekyll:  First we
sit down. *She gestured to a open spot on the floor and grabbed the open chair.
*
Catt Hatter:  Okay. *she
took the spot on the floor and waited. Looking up at Alli expectantly, her eyes
still puffy from tears.*
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
stared at Catt with sadness and longing in her eyes.* Catt...I think I should
be honest with you. When I first met you, you were kind, caring, and
understanding. I felt like I could trust you. We forged the bond of friendship
between us. That friendship made...everything feel possible. I enjoyed our tea
together. I enjoyed our talks together. I could open up to you and I knew you
would listen. I....I...
*She looks down at the ground.*
I...miss that.
Catt Hatter:  I miss it
too, *she murmured, bringing her eyes up to Alli's face. There was a glint of
determination behind her ocean blue eyes.* And I'm willing to suffer whatever
it takes to get back to that.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...but
that's just it, Catt. *Her eyes grew cold and she raised her head to lock eyes
with Catt.* You can't get it back. You will never be able to get it back. 
For the first time in 4 long years, I had a chance to save Allison, to end this
nightmare. But you destroyed that, with a hug. You betrayed me and my trust.
And I think what sickens me the most, is that you did it in the name
friendship.
Catt Hatter:  Friendship,
yes. *Catt let her gaze drop back to the floor and was quiet for a moment.*
I... If I could do it over again, *her eyes shot up to meet her friend's wish a
shocking ferocity.* I would still save your life. Even knowing what would
happen that night, I still wouldn't let you end yourself. I'm
sorry I tricked you, and I'm sorry I can't bring Al- her, back. If it were a
matter of trading one for the other, I might be persuaded because you want it
so badly, but she's not ready! If she were, she would say something! You'd be
able to feel her presence! I know for absolute certain that if you had
disappeared, if you had let that potion erase you, all that would've been left
would be an empty shell. No you, no her. Just empty, and, I couldn't bear to
see you like that. *She shut her eyes as fresh tears ran down her face once
again.*
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *she
sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.* Because of you I am that empty
shell. Because of that hug, you've already killed me. As you said "that's
no life." ...and you're right. I have no life because of you. 
I'm hurting now...worse than ever because of you. All that suffering you did is
nothing compared to the pain I feel. I made you hurt so you could understand a
fraction of how I hurt. Don't you see? Letting me disappear was the kind thing
to do, the merciful thing to do.
Catt Hatter:  *Catt
didn't raise her head.* I saw what letting you dissapear looked like. Believe
me, it was not the kind thing to do. Take whatever recompense
you desire, I'd rather that than seeing you like that again.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Here I
thought you were selfless...And how do you even know what would have happened?!
Catt Hatter:  Because I
was there. *She mumbled.* I went back in time to make sure that didn't happen,
even with the risk of destroying the universe. I wouldn't let it happen
like that.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Like how?
Like allowing me to rest in peace!? Allowing things to resume the way they
should be?! Allowing the pain and suffering to end?! *Her words dripped rage.
Catt had let her die...but instead of letting fate take it's course she had
gone back and meddled with the universe...preventing the final chapter of her
story to conclude.*
Catt Hatter:  You wanted Allison to come back! *She huffed.* I figured
you wouldn't want to accidentally kill her by leaving her house unattended.
You're the only one who can keep her body alive, and safe until she recovers.
When you let yourself "dissapear," you killed her in the process.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Catts
words rang through her like bell, and she sat there in stunned silence for the
second time that night.
[ "you killed her" "you killed her" "you killed her"...I
killed her...With me gone ...Allison was dead.
But Catt could be lying...she lied about being my friend, who knows what
else she might be lying about...
I haven't heard from Allison in years--
--Four Years!-- 
--For all I know she could be dead!
For all I know Catt could be lying...her move in this game of chess...her
move to hurt me.
But she might be dead...actually dead...by my hands.
Allison's not allowed to be dead! Besides that time line
never happened thanks to Catt! And I'll never know if she is dead!
...thought it would explain a lot...it's been so long since I've heard from
her--
because I'm in her way--
--or because that night...four years ago...that night...
...she died...]
Tears began to well up in her eyes. If this was a game of chess, Catt just
declared "Check!" Not-Allison had one last chance to save her king.
She abruptly stood up the chair clattering to the floor, she raised her hand
above her head, bringing it down hard and fast. The girls palm struck Catt's
face.*
Y-Y-YOU'RE WRONG!! SHE'S ST-STILL ALIVE!! Y-YOU HAVE T-TO BE WRONG!! *She
blubbered as tears streamed down her face.*
Catt Hatter:  *Catt's
head turned sharply at the impact, but she didn't retaliate. Returning the blow
didn't even cross her mind.* I might be wrong now, but if I had left you to
dissapear that night, she would definitely be dead. At least this time around,
she's got a chance of coming back.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  A
"CHANCE"?!? THAT WAS HER CHANCE!!! I'VE BEEN SIFTING THROUGH THE HJ7
DATA FOR WEEKS, *she gestures towards the journals and research that laid
strewn upon her desk,* AND IT'S ONLY GIVEN ME ONE THING!! ONE! THING! *Not-Allison
whipped around and slammed her forearm against the piles work sending bits of
paper and books flying across the room. As the texts clattered to the floor she
rested her hands on the desk, trembling, weak from the emotions. Her back was
turned on Catt and her tears fell onto harsh reality of numbers and facts.*
Catt Hatter:  If you had
gone through with it, it would've been her last chance. *Catt
said, standing and approaching the desk. She gently laid a hand on her crying
friend's back.* At least now she could have another in the future. It's still
too soon to give up on her.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Not-Allison
felt Catt's hand on her back, she didn't fight it...she's too tired, but she
didn't accept it either.  The girl was
silent for a long time. Her tears slowly formed a puddle on the desk.* 
Y-you....*She finally muttered in a voice that was barely audible. Her salty
tears began to worm their way toward the edge of the table.* ...you still
d-don't get it....t-that was her last chance. *The tears hit the edge. They
pushed against the wooden lip, building up, fighting the final barrier.*
...t-the longer...the longer I'm here--the longer we stay like this...the
farther she drifts away. *The liquid climbed up over the wood, and fell into
oblivion.*
Catt Hatter:  If she is
drifting away, then maybe she needs someone to go after her. *She began rubbing
Alli's back.* Like when someone is drowning and being pulled out to sea, they
can't save themselves. They can't even tell which way would take them back to
shore. The only chance is if someone can reach them and guide them back to
safety. *Catt held the distraught mash of an experiment close.* I know you can
save her.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
didn't look at the papers or at Catt.* You Still don't Understand! I can't save
her because I'm what's killing her! I'm the ocean she's drowning in! A human
that is neither one nor two shouldn't--can't exist! The body will try to
establish a balance by purging the-the weaker mind... *Her hands clinched into
fists against the desk.* ...th-these past four years my mind, my body, has slowly
been eating away and killing Allison's. ...I-I don't want to hurt her...but I
can't stop...Suffering, pain, torment. It's all I know. I-It's all I can do.
...My death...me disappearing...is the only thing I can do to correct the sins
I've committed. I-Its the only way to end the pain...everyone's pain.
Catt Hatter:  But you
dieing didn't work. You both just ended up dead! She didn't
even last a week! *Catt squeezed her tightly.* Maybe there's some other way to
give her the space to recover, but you have to be around to find it!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Her voice
quivered with sorrow and tears and her body began to tremble as sobs try to
fight their way out.* I-If I'm around then I'm only hurting her more,
yo--everyone more. Even if you are telling the t-truth about
Allison dying at least she'll finally be able to rest in p-peace instead
pieces!
Catt Hatter:  *Catt was
at a loss. As much as she knew letting her die wasn't the right solution, she
lacked even an inkling of what an alternate plan could be. She held on to her
friend, and to impossible hope as her own eyes ran over with tears.* I, I know
it doesn't look like there's a solution right now. But there has to be a better
option!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Solution.
That word draped around the girl like a blanket. She wanted there to be a
solution...any solution now that she had none. She wanted comforted, she wanted
to hug Catt, she wanted to be told "Everything's going to be okay."
even though she knew it was a lie. Nothing was ever going to be okay. Her last
bit of hope...the last thing she truly loved was dead. She had only kept her
body alive because killing herself would kill Allison as well. But Allison was
dead...or soon to be. There was no point for restraint anymore. The girl was at
a fork in the road. She could travel the path lead by Catt's words of false
hope or she could accept the truth.*
*She was silent for a long time.* ...I'm out of options you've confirmed
this... *Every word was a struggle.*
Catt Hatter:  Living
counts as an option! Living until the answer is found is always an option!
*Catt pleaded, she didn't want Alli to feel so awful, that she wasn't worth
having around.* And there's everyone here who can help you search if you'll
just ask them!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...I-I did
ask them...*She slumps to the floor, her back propped against the desk,
surrounded by research and census.* ...and they helped me find the
answer...*She gestures to the work that Hen had given her.*
Catt Hatter:  It's worth
waiting for a better answer though. The first one you find isn't always the
right answer, in fact it most often isn't!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...This
wasn't my first answer...my first solution...my first attempt.
Catt Hatter:  Then
surely you know how important it is to not give up.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  But why
continue to search when the answer is in front of you already?
Catt Hatter:  Because
there is more than one answer, because some new discovery or invention may
change the variables! There are many reasons to keep going!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  How long
then? How long do you continue to trudge through the muck of life in search for
something that doesn't exist?
Catt Hatter:  Until you
find it, because usually you find it before you've gone through the entire
world and searched every nuance of the variables. Even something that seems too
insignificant to make a difference can sometimes be the exact aspect that
changes the whole problem!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  How can
you be so confident? Do you know this from experience? Do you know that there
is an answer out there or are we doomed to roam the earth looking for a fairy
tale?
Catt Hatter:  I, believe
there is purpose in searching. Sometimes it's the journey that makes it all
worth while more than the destination. But I think it's very important to stay
resolutely hopeful. *Catt sighed, resting a comforting hand on Alli's
shoulder.* You never know what might exist, all fairy tales have their roots in
truth after all.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Truth?
Fiction? What does it matter when both are tainted? *She picks up a census
lying near by.* Truth, 40% chance that a baby could die. Truth, 50% of murders
go unsolved. Truth, Allison is dead. The only difference between truth and
fiction is that we use one to mask the horror of the other!
Catt Hatter:  And what's
so wrong with that? People need something good to believe in, even if it's
small or impossible.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She sits
there silently letting the tears flow freely as she looks at the census.*
Catt Hatter:  *Catt sat
down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.* Hey, do you want to try
it? A little hope can go a long way, we could even try believing in the
impossible together if you like?
Hyde without a Jekyll:  I-I...
*The girl wanted to say yes.* ...I don't think I'll be able to survive the pain
when the hope fades away.
Catt Hatter:  That's why
it's important to have more than one thing to believe in. And having someone
else who believes in at least some of the same things you do, means you can go
to them for encouragement if hope starts to run dry.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...What
will we use as hope if there's nothing left to believe in? *Tears continue to
fall from her face as she looked at the picture of Allison on the nightstand.*
Catt Hatter:  Anything
you want! As long as it can bring a smile to your face, and gives you the courage
to face each new day. *Catt gave her a gentle squeeze.* It can even be
impossible. Like, believing that there are other worlds beyond our own, that
every story you've ever read did actually happen somewhere, or
that the dead can come back to life. That despite all odds and evidence,
Allison still has a chance to come back.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *The girl
turned and threw her arms around Catt's torso and cried into her shoulder. It
was a hug. 
She wanted to believe in Catt's words, believe that Allison could come back to
life, believe the impossible could happen, believe that all would be
forgiven. 
Is this what hope is? 
The girl wanted to hide from reality for it's face was too ugly and scarred to
confront. She buried her head into Catt's shirt blocking out all but the sounds
of her sobs and relentless beating of Catt's heart. The allure of dreams,
belief, and fantasy was to great to resist any longer and she surrendered,
whispering to herself the words she longed to hear, longed to believe, over and
over again.* 
Everything is going to fine. 
Everything is going to fine. 
Everything is going to fine.
Catt Hatter:  More than
that my dear, you're going to be okay. *She did her best to keep her voice
soft, but the tears were making that difficult as she clasped her friend
tightly.* And so is Allison. Shh, I've got you.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Sitting
in the safety of Catt's arms, the girl open the flood gates of emotions. She
let all it all out, the pain, the sadness, the longing, the relief. She didn't
wail or kick or scream but instead clung to Catt for life, for hope, for belief
and cried.*
Catt Hatter:  *Beyond
words, Catt merely cradled her. And gently rocking, she began to hum a soothing
and melancholy tune. The sound drifted around the stacks of papers and mounds
of books, carrying their shared feelings to rest on the nearest wishing star.*
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
buried herself deeper into Catt's hug while the melody soothed her. As time
passed her tears ran dry and her body was left weak from the departing
emotions.*
Catt Hatter:  Hey, *Catt
said quietly once the tears had subsided.* Feel better?
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *The girl
gave a weak smile.* ...Not entirely, but ...thank you.
Catt Hatter:  Hey,
that's what friends are for. *Catt smiled warmly.* I'm here for you no matter
what!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  F-Friends?
*She looked up at Catt hopeful but confused.*
Catt Hatter:  Yeah,
friends. *Catt raised an eyebrow.* You didn't think I'd stop being your friend
over something so small did you?
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
looked at the ground, ashamed.* ...I thought you did....I thought you would...
Catt Hatter:  You're too
important for me to let that get in the way of us being friends.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *If the
girl had any tears left she would have shed them right there, instead she
choked out her next word through a smile.* ...Friends...
Catt Hatter:  Forever.
*Catt agreed, hooking her little finger through Alli's.* That's a promise.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
squeezed Catt's finger with hers and echoed.* Forever.
Catt Hatter:  *Catt
stood, helping Alli to her feet.* I should probably get going.
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Oh...*She
looked at the floor saddened but her thoughts were interrupted by a
yawn.*...okay.
Catt Hatter:  *Catt
paused at the sad expression on her face.* Did you want me to stay?
Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She
thought about it for a moment but then shook her head.* ...No. We both need
some rest...*She shuffled to her bed and began to collect the Census that
littered it.*
Catt Hatter:  I'll help
you clear the bed at least, *she walked over and started moving the tomes to
the desk.*
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Thank you!
*They quickly cleaned off the bed but the girl seemed to be sided tracked by
the Census reading each one, looking through the pages for something...*
Catt Hatter:  That looks
like that's it. Well, *she turned to leave.* Have a good night!
Hyde without a Jekyll:  Night...*The
girl said absent mildly as the article she held had caught her eye. Just as
Catt passed through the thresh hold the girl spoke, realization in her voice.*
Alice.
Catt Hatter:  *Catt
turned and smiled at her newly reconciled friend.* Nice to meet you Alice,
pleasant dreams. *and she closed the door.*
== Obtained From ==
Role-Playing page for pg. 63!
Category:Main Plot
Category:Haunting Pasts