EB Gets Drafted

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"EB Gets Drafted" is a one-off surreal comedy short written by Locknloaded23 and JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway. It was released on 1st June, 2020. The short was based on a discussion sparked by TheJasbre202 in January of that year. It won Short of the Year at the 8th Square Logo Awards and was later inducted into the SLA's Hall of Fame the year after.
== Synopsis ==
EB the Original Master gets conscripted into the US armed forces during World War II. After witnessing the bombing of Hiroshima, he vows to be the man who kills Adolf Hitler.
== Disclaimer ==
The views expressed by the characters in this short, particularly the fictitious version of EB*, do not reflect the thoughts and opinions expressed by the writers or EB himself. I doubt Joseph Stalin would have been this friendly with EB anyway.
== Transcript ==
(Short begins in EB's house in 1945)
EB: hello everyone, EB the orignal master here, and today im gonna rant on Nazi Germany. Like seriously, whoever thought of the Nazis NEEDS TO DIE! LIKE WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THIS?! (walks towards the wall) WHY DON'T YOU NAZI PARTY THESE NUTS! MY GOD! And don’t even get me started on Pearl Harbor!
(Someone knocks on his door)
EB: Who could that be? Im in the middle of something!
(EB opens his door and a military personnel and a general are there)
EB: Are you the ice cream truck people? I already told you i dont want you! (Slams door) see, this is what i have to go through on a day-to-day basis. (The door is knocked on again and EB opens it) WHAT DO YOU WANT??
Personnel: sir, you've been drafted into the war.
EB: you mean, I have to fight NAZIS?!?!
General: yes, sir, you have to fight Nazis.
EB: can you come back a little later, i need to make a rant on this.
General: (grabs EB and carries him out) Sir, you are required by law to come! Let's go!
EB: LAW?! God, who needs laws in a stupid country? That’s even worse than admins on a wiki.
(EB is carried into a truck full of other recently drafted personnel)
Unnamed Generic French Soldier: Sir, what is a wiki?
General: Don’t mind him. He’s one of those YouTube Poop masters we keep on hearing about.
(Cut to Allied soldiers landing in Okinawa, Japan)
Japanese Soldier:  人が持っているデバイスは何ですか？ (What is the device that man is holding?)
Italian Soldier: Lo chiama Nintendo Wii, Mr. Miyamoto. (He calls it a Nintendo Wii, Mr. Miyamoto).
Miyamoto: Wii？それを何かにして業界を支配することはできますか! (Wii? I could make that into something and DOMINATE AN INDUSTRY!)
EB: (hits Miyamoto with the back of his gun) Speak English, you little admin. God, you're like Squiddleward.
Italian Soldier: who the fuck is Squiddleward?
EB: TALK ENGLISH! I WILL RANT ON YOU SO HARD WHEN I GET HOME!!!
German Soldier: You von’t be going home, Earnest.
EB: Oh god, I hate Germans.*
German Soldier: vat vas that?
EB: I said, (speaks louder), “Oh God I hate Germans”!*
(Screen cuts to black as a single gunshot is heard, and then cuts to a hospital in the south of Japan)
Nurse: Your wound should be nice and healed now, EB.
EB: Thanks, nurse. I think I’m going to go on a nice vacation in Sealand now that the war is over.
Nurse: With all due respect, sir, the war is far from over.
EB: just shoot Adolf Hitler to end the war! Is it that hard? I could do it with my eyes closed (walks out, and a bomb is heard as the screen cuts to black. EB is back on the hospital bed)
Nurse: I was about to warn you. President Truman announced that he would drop an atomic bomb on Hiroshima today.
EB: Yeah, I thought he was bluffing. He’s just another one of those pesky admins in the White House, living it up and eating $100 bills. I made 535 rants on them as a matter of fact, one per member of Congress.
Nurse: you really need a life, sir.
EB: DON'T MAKE ME RUN YOU OVER WITH AN ICE CREAM TRUCK!
Nurse: ...Again. Anyway, EB, you should be fine and dandy in a couple of hours, I just need to--
EB: (walks out of the hospital, limping) Don’t care, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Like Kidz Bop’s latest album. (Opens door, sees bombed remains of Hiroshima) STUPID ADMINS! THEY BOMBED JAPAN! 
American Soldier: Yeah, well, they attacked Pearl Harbor first. What are you, some kinda communist?
EB: What does that mean?
British Soldier: Oh, yeah, like one of those chaps who goes round screamin’ “Death to fascism”, “freedom to the people”, “no private businesses”? Oh, bunch of wankers they are, man.
EB: Well, what’s wrong with freedom to the people? 
Dutch Soldier: You don’t really believe in that shit, do you?
EB: It’s better than the system we have now. 
American Soldier: Snap out of it, Earnest! We can’t lose you too!
(Abruptly cuts to EB being carried by Russian soldiers in a Soviet parade float as their national anthem plays.)
EB: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID ADMINS?
Russian Soldier: (shouts unintelligible gibberish)
EB: SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stalin: Velcome to ze Communist Party, Earnest Bell. Don't say anything bad, or you end up like Trotsky- i mean, we reward you with goods and services.
EB: uh, what?
Russian Soldier: Sir, our men just freed Auschwitz!
Stalin: PERFECT! those stupid nazi Scumbags will pay for what they did to those poor Polish slaves--sorry, I mean citizens. Just a slip of the gun--TONGUE! God, I really can’t speak today.
EB: They freed Auschwitz? Whats that? Sounds like a sandwich.
Stalin: (sigh) Guards, show this man to his quarters in the Kremlin.
Russian Soldiers: (grunt affirmatively)
EB: Wait, has the war ended yet?
Stalin: (looks out the window and sees starving Russians being intimidated by diminishing German forces, and desperate Allied soldiers shooting incessantly at Japanese prisoners of war) Oh, yeah, that shit ended a long time ago. Can you not tell?
EB: Is Hitler dead? That stupid admin!!!
Stalin: Hitler is my bud.we have beers down at the pub every day. Im kidding, He's still alive somewhere. You know that guy only had one testicle.
EB: Hey! At least he had one.
Stalin: (his jaw opens and he stares at EB in astonishment) ...How?
EB: Well, remember when the US dropped that bomb on Japan?
Stalin: Which one?
EB: Wh--
Stalin: they dropped 2.
EB: what the fuck? This makes me p-mad!
Stalin: Okay, well, please calm down so you can be escorted by the soldiers to--
EB: I’M PI-- TICKED OFF! (takes out his Wii console and throws it out the window)
Stalin: What the hell are you doing, comrade?!
EB: I’m gonna kill that bastard.
Stalin: Which bastard? Did Trotsky survive?
Russian Soldier: (whispers Russian gibberish into Stalin’s ear)
Stalin: No! Not Fidel Castro! 
(EB jumps out of the window and Stalin, accompanied by Russian soldiers, follows him)
EB: You’ll never catch me alive! (Gets hit by an ice cream truck)
Stalin: that's why you look both ways before crossing the street. (grins and holds his thumb up with a twinkle in his eye)
EB: Shut up!
(Cut to Germany. Hitler is in a bunker with his wife, Eva Braun)
Hitler: Dear Eva. Zere is no hope vinning zis stupid var! (crumples up paper and eats it) 
Eva Braun: Why did you do that?
Hitler: Sorry, I got a bit anxious. Last time I vas zis vorried I--
(Cut to a live-action video of Seth MacFarlane sitting in front of a fireplace with a gun to his neck.)
Seth MacFarlane: Hi, I’m Seth MacFarlane, and this cutaway gag has been removed due to infringing on several copyright laws. At least, that’s what my lawyers over in Nazi Germany tell me. 
(Cuts back to the bunker)
Eva: Don’t worry, Adolf, darling. Soon it’ll all be over.
Hitler: Hey! That’s a good idea!
Eva: vait vut
Hitler: (pulls out a gun) There’s no hope left for me.
Eva: No, Adolf, don’t!
(EB was standing there the whole time)
EB: Yeah, please don’t. I kinda wanted to be the one who killed Hitler. I was gonna make a rant on him and stuff. 
Hitler: Who the Heil are you?
(Laugh track)
EB: I am EB. Some call me an original master. I like to call myself a Youtube Poop master.
Hitler: vat are you talking about?
EB: Come on, Hitler, just let me shoot you, bro!
Hitler: Come on, Eva, let’s go somewhere else to kill ourselves. Maybe that restaurant in Berlin.
EB: Nah, you should go to Hooter’s. They got hot chicks there.
Hitler: vell, i could go for a chick-
Eva: (slaps him) ADOLF!
Hitler: love you, honey! Now where did I put my gun?
EB: You appear to have misplaced your Wii Zapper.
Hitler: Nein! That’s a real gun, put it down!
EB: Y’all even know how to play Duck Hunt with this thing? You have to aim at the screen and press the A button. (points it at hitler's head and shoots) SHIT!
Eva: Eh, we were gonna get a divorce anyway. 
Hitler: (with his last dying breath) Excuse me?
(laugh track and applause)
Eva: bottoms up! (Drinks cyanide and shoots herself)
EB: uh, this wasn't supposed to happen.
(Winston Churchill and Stalin find EB in the bunker)
Churchill: You did it, lad. You killed Hitler.
Stalin: Yes, that nasty Nazi is gone forever, thanks to you, my comrade.
EB: Can we still go to Hooters?
Stalin and Churchill: Oh, Fuck yes!
Stalin: Wait, no. Strip clubs are banned in the Soviet Union.
EB: fuck the Soviet Union!
(Cuts to black. A single gunshot is heard )
EB: (off-screen) Is this a racist cartoon?
(laugh track, credits roll)
Seth MacFarlane: And that's how it actually happened. Of course, it was so stupid, we changed it. 
Audience member: this whole thing was just a CUTAWAY GAG?!
Seth: SOVIETS! THIS MAN JUST EXPRESSED ANTI-SOVIET SENTIMENT!
(A group of KGB officers run in and grab the man, carrying him away)
Audience member: Hey, at least it wasn’t The Cleveland Show.
Seth: And now, up next, he’s proud to be back in his home town with his new family, and there’s old friends, new friends, and - get this- there's even a bear.
Audience Member: Fuck this!
Cleveland Brown: seriously, is this a racist cartoon?
(The end)
Category:Locknloaded23
Category:Episodes written by Locknloaded23
Category:JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:Episodes written by Mrs Chanandler Bong
Category:Shorts
Category:2020 Shorts
Category:EB The Original Master
Category:EB Gets Drafted