S05E21: The Gang Gives Almost Everyone What They Want

==Background==
We were hired by the Cartophile (not the Cartographer), to go to the city of Doin Gloin where Qwalish’s expedition was headed many many years ago. We’re interested in finding him because he’s a powerful wizard that specializes in planar magic; the hope is he’ll be able to assist us in getting to the plane of Limbo, where we can go after the Horsemen.
Along with the group is Ctenmirr, a vampire in a box who wants to get out; Mary, a witch with a deck of many things that she’s been trying to get everyone to draw from; and Gearbox, a modified Modron with the mental capacity of a baby that likes to shine flashlights and be useful.
Ctenmirr, through inconsequential circumstances, is dubbed Hamburger Menu shortly before this session.
We met a Sphinx who took intelligence from some of us, then a Bone Devil who flays faces off of his followers using the medical technology available on the flying island/spaceship. This Bone Devil was then revealed to be Clifton trapped in the Bone Devil’s body, and the Bone Devil is actually in her brain in the treasury, which we are able to get to after negotiating with 5 brains in the control room with personalities based off of the characters of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
The Bone Devil in the treasury is now trying to convince us get him back into his body.
The group enters the portable meeting room, to plot out of earshot of the Grand Master.
==Session==
Carlos is currently too stoned to participate in this adventure.
Um thinks he’s able to disarm the trap on Qwalish's journal.
The group remembers we told the Bone Devil we got rid of his body.
Hamburger Menu tries to reach out to the face bats in the area, but he doesn’t have great wifi signal from the meeting room (or the coffin).
After great deliberation, the group decides to stage a distraction - Kanye bursts from the extra-dimensional office space to perform a song and dance to the tune of “It’s not Unusual”, sparking glitter with his woolly berserker claws.
With Averlyth casting Eagle’s Splendour and Nissa playing back-up on her new lute, Kanye masters a thoroughly mediocre performance a la dirty dancing.
While the grand master is stunned by the absurdity, Um sidles up to the book and starts jimmying the wires with absolutely no cause for concern.
Hamburger Menu: So glad I’m in this armor
Um pulls the wrong wire. Um instantly realizes his mistake, casting the Command Zed ability from his Drakeguard bracer to undo his actions in the past 30 seconds. Attempt number 2 goes perfectly - Um defuses the journal before the rest of the group has any idea anything went wrong (or right).
Um leaves the journal where it is to avoid raising suspicion. The group suddenly realizes they didn't think about what they were going to do after that. The Bone Devil in Clifton's brain is still hooked up to the treasury mini island we're all standing on, unfortunately, and can still send us all plummeting to our deaths if he senses deception.
Hamburger Menu asks the group to consider switching him with the Bone Devil, so the Bone Devil is trapped in a vampire body inside an unbreachable prison. Inspired, the group decides the next best idea is to go back into the meeting room.
Seeing only the impromptu theatrics, the Bone Devil is at a loss for words.
The group proceeds to sincerely consider the possibility of putting Hamburger into a brain in a jar.
DM: Let me remind you, the nearest body is Clifton’s.
Hamburger Menu: Ugh.
Averlyth: You mean you’d prefer to be a brain than Clifton?
Kanye: If bodies are the problem, I can get more bodies.
We might be agreeing to put the vampire inside the Clifton’s brain???
Averlyth points out we didn’t need to defuse the journal after all, if we're now planning to do exactly what he wanted to begin with.
New Head Canon - Um disarmed the journal while the group was debating what to do about the Bone Devil
After a semi-confident, probably-unanimous vote from the group, Nissa decides to tell the Bone Devil we’re putting him into the vampire’s body. He asks why we’re not putting him into Clifton’s perfectly fine body just to the left. Nissa explains that this body belongs to a business associate of ours, and has sentimental value. Also that the group had "invested money" in it via surgeries for those honking bonkhonagahoogs.
The Bone Devil is first incredulous that we knew Clifton, then laughs at us for "accidentally killed her while she was in the Bone Devil body" (as we had told him). He's not totally buying into our reasons to not swap him into her body, though.
With great effort and sweet talk, Nissa miraculously convinces him to agree to get swapped into the vampire's body instance. He's ultimately swayed by her dimples and "her word” that we’re going to open the coffin after the task.
With a deal made, the Bone Devil directs us to the room for body swapping.
We need someone with high Arcana and Intelligence to run the machine - Mary, with Hamburger Menu’s help, kicks it off and successfully performs the first swap.
The Bone Devil cheers to finally be something that's not a brain! Then grins, expecting us to let him out.
Nissa reveals to Bone Devil that she crossed her fingers when she gave her word.
The Bone Devil-in-the-vampire-body curses her out. Kanye reaches over to hit the mute switch on the coffin, and he continues to throw a silenced tantrum.
Averlyth: We could’ve used that this whole time???
While nobody (including the Grand Master) is paying attention, Um finally snatches away the now-untrapped Journal of Qwalish, hiding it in his pack for safekeeping.
The group spends 15 minutes debating what was supposed to happen after step 1. There appears to be some doubt about the immediate priorities now - whether we should immediately address Clifton, or the brains of Qualish's associates in the control room, or something else altogether.
: Hamburger Menu: Is there a reason we’re not doing step 2? I notice we are not progressing.
The group finally checks out the room they've been standing in for a month.
Um finds a Hewards Hireling Armor, and Mary acquires a Galder’s Bubble Pipe . Everyone else is distracted by Gearbox pulling out a set of strangely recognizable mechanical components. Upon closer inspection, they appear to be 6 canisters with a design that we've seen around, but we’re not able to identify exactly they are.
Nissa, sagely recognizing the pockets of holding in the Hireling Armor, warns the group that extradimensional spaces cannot be placed within each other, and that we’ve been in extradimensional spaces quite a lot recently.
In other words, carrying the armor into the portable meeting room would blow us all up.
Kanye exclaims we could use it as a weapon.
With some light reminders from the brain in the jar, the group decides to next prioritize swapping Hamburger Menu into the Bone Devil body and Clifton back into her own brain.
Averlyth entreats the vampire to bring the treasury island closer to the rest of the island so the group doesn’t have to jump the discs this time. The group is able to make their way to the citadel without a fuss.
Um goes in alone, and effortlessly creeps along the ceiling. He sees less people in there now - apparently our arrival was a big deal - and the Bone Devil with his/her guards at the throne. He throws some pebbles down to get Clifton’s attention; she tells her guards she has to take a piss and goes behind the throne, where Um is able to pass a whispered message to meet us in the treasury.
Um and the rest of the group then return to the treasury island, where a horrifying Bone Devil soon joins us.
We notify Clifton that we’re putting her back in her body and swapping the vampire in there right now into the Bone Devil body. She briefly questions our judgment, then shrugs it off so long as she gets her boobs back.
We suddenly realize we maybe shouldn’t remove Hamburger from the jar until we have Modron plugged in somewhere, to make sure the treasury doesn’t collapse when he’s swapped over, and then the brain is re-inserted into Clifton.
The group sends Kanye to go fetch the brains from the control room, and to plug Gearbox into the panel so that he may control the entire island.
Kanye proceeds to plug Gearbox in without notifying any of the brains of the plan.
: 5 brains: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Kanye: What’s that? Is there volume control or something? I can’t hear you??
Gina: Rude.
Averlyth (Walkie Talkie): Kanye, this is not a deception roll!
Kanye: Oh! We are bringing you to the treasury where we have bodies!
Averyth (Walkie Talkie): YOU ADDED DECEPTION.
Remembering the first half of his mission, Kanye begins to retrieve the brains when Amy questions how he'll carry them to the treasury without killing them. After all, they've only remained alive these 99 years from being plugged into a power source.
Nissa, suddenly remembering she was in Kanye's harness this whole time, reminds Kanye that we found unidenfied canisters in the treasury - Amy excitedly reveals them as batteries, which could be used for transporting brains. With this information, Kanye and Nissa are able to safely bring all 5 of the brains to the treasury.
The group takes a moment to finalize the plan.
Hamburger Menu reminds us that the sphinx was supposedly interested in trading Ioun Stones for brains, which she apparently told Carlos and no one else. It is also unclear whether she plans on eating the traded brains or not - Nissa expects her to extract knowledge from them somehow.
Averlyth has a realization that the magical instruments capable of removing faces must be capable of reattaching faces as well. With the option of magical plastic surgery, we can comfortably swap Qualish's associates into the bodies of faceless cultists, and then help them get faces again later.
After a brief debate about the ethics of tricking cultists versus asking for volunteers for body swapping, we are reminded that the religion worshipped on the island celebrates detachment from the body. Clifton guarantees that her followers will be all over this "opportunity".
We send Clifton off to get 5 volunteers to be “Enlightened Ones”, or people who get to be brains. Clifton brings 8 plus her orc guards, all positively happy and proud to have been chosen - they may be orcs, but they ain't dummies.
The Brooklyn Nine-Nine body swapping fun begins!
Charles gets his first pick as promised; he and Diaz choose the two orcs, everyone else picks human bodies. The remaining cultists leave the treasury to resume their duties.
With all other side quests finished, the group is ready to finish putting Clifton back into her body. Averlyth asks the humans to maybe take a step back, and the orcs to stay in case the vampire tries anything after getting into the Bone Devil body.
Mary confidently presses the switch to put Hamburger into the Bone Devil body and Clifton into her brain in a jar, swapping them like a pro.
One last step to go - with Clifton back in her brain, we can restore her brain into her body with a slab in the room.
The group is interrupted by Hamburger Menu-in-the-Bone-Devil-body.
: Hamburger Menu: I may not be the most lawful good, but there may be some ramifications of unleashing something that awful on the world.
Everyone Else: …. Clifton???
Averlyth thinks that's a good point, actually. There is a seed of doubt in everyone’s mind.
Kanye briefly checks whether or not Clifton's body is wearing the doppleganger ring - it's there, but it was the V1 ring, which doesn’t include the extra layer of protection via encryption.
: Averlyth: Fuck it, we should tie her up, put her brain back in, and then go home.
DM: I like how the group has just given up on Doin Gloin.
Satura appears out of thin air to tie Clifton’s body up, to her brain's protests. We place her on the slab, ready to finish the job.
Mary initializes the machine, but something goes wrong - Kanye, who was standing next to the body and looking at the doppleganger ring, accidentally gets zapped from an arc of electricity. The transfer was still successful, it just took a detour through Kanye.
For the briefest moment, Kanye contemplates his gender identity and has an appreciation for faces. Nissa and Woodhouse exchange a look.
Clifton is now well endowed again! Averlyth refuses to untie Clifton.
Now that the group has finished all their side quests, we take a breather to figure out what our immediate goals are.
Hamburger states he’d like to continue with the group for the short term.
Kanye ponders the possibility of landing the island so that it cannot crash when the engines inevitably fail, and so the cultists can leave.
Hamburger suggests bringing a Drakeguard member to swap bodies with him, so he can be swapped back into his Vampire body, which he is fond of, and the Bone Devil body isn't abused in the meantime. Of course, then he proposes we'd let him out.
: Hamburger: You all have seen that I didn’t immediately kill you
The group decides we want to use the island as a base of operations, so Kanye sets up a teleportation ritual so the Drakeguard can send an Operative to land the island (through instructing Gearbox) and then salvage the island with more Drakeguard forces. While we can’t bring the machine with us, we remain in possession of the body swapper.
: Kanye: I think we just became immortal, guys!
==Quest Rewards==
Loot from Treasury:
*Qwalish’s Journal
*2000 Gold Pieces
*500 Gold worth of gems
*3 potions of healing
*1 elixir of health
*Manual of flesh-golem creation
*(Bubble Pipe )
*(Hierling Armor )
*A bunch of stuff that we’re not taking with us, but would be useful if we followed Qualish’s directions in his notebook
**Would be a ritual we’d do during downtime, i.e. building apparatuses
*6 batteries
**5 currently hooked up to brains
Inside the journal, it’s pages detail how Qwalish continued his research into finding Doin Gloin, even after he set up his initial laboratory on the floating island. Using his maps and journal, we’re able to unlock the teleportation portal behind the throne that is a route to Doin Gloin.
There’s also a lot of background information in there about Qwalish, his fascination with extra-dimensional spaces, something something sanctum beyond the bounds of the world?
After a few days of looting, reading, scaring off the cultists, selling brains to the Sphinx, etc.
==Sneak Preview==
We pass through the teleportation portal behind the throne and we appear on an overlook, looking down on a city in the valley below.
The legendary city spreads throughout a narrow vale. There are intricate architectures, dangerous walkways, vines and foliages strewn throughout the entire city. Even at a distance, many of the statues appear to be humanoids of different races.
There’s a strange gleam some 30 feet above the ground. Below that the buildings are unnaturally clean, showing no signs of vegetation or other life.
Category:Episodes