Burger War/Quotes

:Bob: The landlord, Mr. Fischoeder is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don't know if he's gonna renew.
:Linda: He'll renew!
:Bob: Well, we haven't always paid our rent on time.
:Linda: We never pay our rent on time!
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:Gene: I'll play my triangle! (starts playing triangle) Ding-da-da-ding, da-da-ding, da-da-ding—
:Bob: NO. (takes triangle from Gene)
:Gene: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MUSIC!
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:Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, Linda, your children are refusing to acknowledge me.
:Bob: Uh, kids, stop doing that. Acknowledge Mr. Fischoeder right now.
:(Tina, Gene, Louise start bombarding Mr. Fischoeder with questions)
:Gene: Are you a superhero?
:Tina: Can I feel your hair?
:Bob: STOP, stop. Go clean something now, all of you.
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:Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, no offense, Bob, but I have a policy that I don't dine at any of my tenants' establishments.
:Bob: Oh. But I saw you eating at Doucie Sushi.
:Mr. Fischoeder: That's different. That place is incredible! Have you tried their starfish? It melts in your mouth.
:(No one replies)
:Mr. Fischoeder: No? Nobody? (looks at Tina) You?
:Tina: No.
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:Bob: Well, Jimmy Pesto's is a pizza place, if you're into that kind of thing—pizza. (chuckles) Stupid.
:Tina: I like pizza.
:Gene: PIZZA? Where's pizza?!
:Bob: Shush.
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:Mr. Fischoeder: I enjoy you, Bob. Your mustache—it's fascinating. (starts touching Bob's mustache)
:Bob: Thank you.
:Mr. Fischoeder: Do you mind if I—
:Bob: You're touching it.
:Mr. Fischoeder: Yeah. I—
:Bob: That's— Yeah, you're—
:Mr. Fischoeder: It's really something.
:Bob: Thank you.
:Mr. Fischoeder: Thank you.
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:Mr. Fischoeder: Listen, Jimmy Pesto has tendered an offer on this space.
:Bob: JIMMY PESTO? He wants to move over here?
:Mr. Fischoeder: Yes, he wants to move his gift shop over here.
:Bob: GIFT SHOP!?
:Gene: This would be an AMAZING gift shop! (gasps) I can do all my Christmas shopping here!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Yes!
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:(Mr. Fischoeder starts choking on Bob's burger, and the Belchers are trying to save him)
:Bob: How do I do it?
:Louise: You just push!
:Bob: What do I do?
:Louise: Push on his belly!
:Gene: Hit him in the crotch!
:Bob: NO, Gene! Don't hit him in the crotch.
:Gene: YES! Hit him in the crotch!
:Tina: I'll hold his hair.
:Linda: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
:Bob: Linda, please.
:Linda: Oh, my God!
:Louise: WOW! He's turning blue!
:Gene: Put his hand in warm water!
:Bob: He can't die! He cannot die in here!
:Gene: (gestures) Let's move him outside.
:Bob: NO! Everybody, hands around him! Group Heimlich!
:(The Belchers hug Mr. Fischoeder)
:The Belchers: One, two, three! (grunts)
:(Mr. Fischoeder spits out the food choking him, and it lands on Gene's shirt)
:Bob: THERE IT IS!
:Louise: Holy crap!
:Mr. Fischoeder: God—
:Bob: Give him some room, kids.
:Linda: Give him room!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Oh. Ow.
:Bob: So, um—
:Mr. Fischoeder: Ow.
:Bob: Did you, uh— Did you like it?
:Mr. Fischoeder: (groans) Your rent is due Friday night. And if you're late, I'm giving your lease to Jimmy Pesto.
:(Bob gasps)
:Tina: (takes the chewed up food from Gene's shirt) Do you want to me to pack this to go?
:Gene: You're gonna want fries with that!
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:Linda: (talking to Teddy and Mort) So, Mr. Fischoeder's okay.
:Bob: But we've got to pay the rent in full by tomorrow night.
:Teddy: (amused) Paying the rent in full.
:Mort: What's next? Paying your other bills?
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:Bob: Jimmy. Fricking. Pesto.
:Linda: (disappointed) Oh, Bob.
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:Bob: (watching Jimmy Pesto singing at his pizzeria in his unlit restaurant in the middle of the night) AHHHHH—
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:Bob: Why does Tina have to like Jimmy Pesto Jr.? Of all the thirteen-year-old boys in the world.
:Linda: Eh, she likes them too. It's kind of romantic, though! (narrates) Two families at war, a budding romance. It's like West Side Story!
:Bob: Ugh.
:Linda: (starts singing and snapping her fingers) Du-dun! Du-dun! Du-dun! Rumble!
:Bob: Stop.
:Linda: Dun-dun-dun!
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:(at Wagstaff's cafeteria)
:Ollie: (to Louise and Gene) Let's be best friends forever!
:Louise: Okay.
:Andy: Let's cut our hands and press them together and become blood brothers!
:Gene: Okay! (tries cutting his hand with a plastic knife)
:Ollie: No, spit brothers! (spits in his hand) Spit in your hand and then shake.
:Gene: Let's do both! (spits in his hand and resumes to cut his hand)
:Louise: Sorry. I'm saving my spit and blood for my honeymoon.
:Ollie: (to Andy) Let's rub our eyes together! You can get my pink eye!
:Andy: Okay!
:Andy and Ollie: (both of them start head butting each other in the eyes) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ooh!
:Gene: (watches this unfold) So hard to be friends these days.
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:Bob: (sees Jimmy Pesto now serving burgers) That's it. It's time for a showdown. (takes off apron)
:Linda: Alright! (starts singing and snapping her fingers) We're going to a rumble.
:Bob: (to Linda) I'm gonna confront him!
:Linda: (singing) Gonna, confront him!
:Bob: Confront him right in the face!
:Linda: (singing) Yeah, right in his handsome face!
:Bob: What?
:Linda: What?
:Bob: You said "handsome face."
:Gene: You did.
:Linda: It's a—
:Louise: "Right in his handsome face."
:Linda: I know what I said!
:Bob: You think he's handsome?
:Tina: God, yes.
:Linda: NO, I'm saying it with anger, like "you handsome face!" He's so handsome and you wanna—you wanna punch him. (looks at Jimmy from a distance) He looks like Tom Selleck. When I die, I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
:Bob: (wheezing laugh) That's a crazy request!
:Gene: I get it.
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:(the Belcher kids are watching their parents from their restaurant confronting Jimmy at his pizzeria)
:Louise: (to Tina and Gene) Kids, watch the restaurant. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)
:Gene: Tina, watch the restaurant. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)
:Tina: Restaurant, we both know you can handle this. Call me if you need me. Love you. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)
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:(at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria)
:Trev: (to Bob and Linda) Jimmy said he'll be right out. You wanna try a Pesto-colada?
:Linda: Yeah, sure.
:Bob: Lin!
:Linda: What? Free drink.
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:Louise: I want some action. I need some action.
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:Tina: (looking at Jimmy Jr. work at the pizzeria) Busing tables has never looked so sensual.
:Gene: Yet so menial.
:Tina: Yeah.
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:Jimmy: Bob of Bob's Burgers.
:Bob: Jimmy so-called Pesto of Jimmy Pesto's. Let's skip the niceties, shall we?
:Trev: (giving Linda her drink) Pesto-colada for the lady—on the house.
:Linda: Thank you.
:Bob: Except for that nicety.
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:Bob: What are you doing, Jimmy POPLOPOVICH?
:Jimmy: Woah.
:(Linda audibly enjoys her Pesto-colada)
:Bob: Yeah. Your name—is not what it says—
:Linda: (continuing to enjoy her drink) Mm... Mm!
:Bob: Lin!
:Linda: Mmm. Yum!
:Bob: (chuckles) Stop.
:Linda: (to the drink) That's good.
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:Bob: Come on, Linda, we're leaving!
:Linda: (slurps the rest of her drink and puts it on the counter) Hmph!
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:(The Belchers are coming up with ways to get back at Jimmy Pesto)
:Louise: When I was young and naive, I would've said "arson," but I'm gonna go with Vodou.
:Bob: Huh. I like arson.
:Louise: No, seriously Dad—Vodou.
:Bob: No.
:Louise: I have a book. No, I have a book!
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:Bob: Forget Vodou, we're doing flyers.
:Louise: (in disbelief) WHAT? Whose candy-ass idea was that?
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:(in Science class)
:Louise: (to Andy and Ollie) Can you get a lock of your brother's hair?
:Andy: (pulls out a clump of Jimmy Jr.'s hair) Yup.
:Louise: (in disgust) Augh!
:Andy (to Ollie) And you said I was crazy for carrying this around! (shoves it in Ollie's face) Now, who's laughing? (laughing) Me!
:Andy and Ollie: (both of them start head butting each other in the eyes) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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:(the Belcher kids return from school with Andy and Ollie)
:Louise: Mom, Andy and Ollie are helping me with a school project. I'm gonna need fifteen potatoes and a lock of hair from you and Dad. And rum and cigars, if you have any.
:Linda: What, what's this for?
:Louise: English.
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:(Bob is making mini Meatsiah burgers with his family watching)
:Bob: These samples are gonna get us our rent money tonight, so we can keep this place.
:Tina: How are free samples gonna get us money?
:Bob: They'll try the samples, and they'll love them, but they'll want more. MORE! They'll be craving these burgers, itching to get their fix!
:Gene: Like heroin!
:Bob THAT'S RIGHT, SON! LIKE HEROIN!
:Gene: YES!
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:(Louise, Andy, and Oliie are in Louise's family's restaurant's basement performing a Vodou ritual)
:Andy: We want to stay here.
:Ollie: Forever. We wanna stay here forever and ever.
:Andy: We want to be buried here!
:Ollie: Buried here!
:Louise: OKAAY. I'll bury you when I get back.
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:(Bob is at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria in Gene's burger outfit, ready to pass out his samples)
:Jimmy: (referring to Bob's costume) It's a little small on you. A little tight in the pickles, huh?
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:(Bob's family and friends are all at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria: Gene is performing, and Louise is accompanying him with drums; Tina is slow dancing to the music, and Linda is watching Gene perform; Teddy and Mort are just eating there)
:Bob: (looking at his family, Teddy, and Mort) AND YOU PEOPLE. TRAITORS! TRAITOR FAMILY!
:Linda: It's Gene's first public performance!
:Gene: You could've had me at the ground floor, Dad. Now I play the big rooms.
:Linda: You gotta let the kids have a little fun.
:Bob: WE HAVE FUN, LINDA! WE-HAVE-LOTS-OF-FUN!
:Linda: (looking at Bob's burger outfit) What's he wearing?
:Gene: My bun suit.
:Louise: With a few extra buns hanging out the back (literally does a rim shot) Ooh! Hey, Dad! I'm playing the drums!
:Bob: OH, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE PLAYING DRUMS, LOUISE!
:Jimmy: Hey, you know what? You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
:Bob: What did you just say about my kids?
:Linda: (to Bob) HIT HIM IN HIS HANDSOME GROIN!
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:(everyone goes to Bob's restaurant)
:Andy and Ollie: (sees their father Jimmy) Daddy!
:Jimmy: Andy, Ollie, what are you doing here?
:Andy and Ollie: Vodou!
:Jimmy: What?
:Andy and Ollie: Vodou!
:Ollie: Yeah, and we switched underpants!
:Bob: (to Jimmy) These are you kids? And you thought my kids were freaky?
:Jimmmy: (to Andy and Ollie) Come on, boys. We're leaving.
:Andy: No, we wanna staay!
:Ollie: Yeah, it's fun here!
:Bob: Yeah, Jimmy. It's fun here.
:(Tina, Gene, and Louise grumble in disagreement)
:Bob: Shush.
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:Jimmy Jr.: NO, DAD. I'M GONNA DANCE WITH TRACY.
:Tina: Tina.
:Jimmy Jr.: TINA.
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:Louise: Yup, Vodou works. I AM A GOD!
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:(end credits sequence)
:Bob: DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DING!
Category:Episode quotes