Episode 511: Paul Simon/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 511: Paul Simon.
==Cold open==
 	Open on Pops tinkering with a screwdriver. Paul enters with a guitar.
Pops	Aw, who are you?
Paul	Paul Simon. I'm the guest on the show tonight.
Pops	Oh, Paul Simon. Great. Yeah, great. (continues tinkering)
Paul	What you working on there?
 	
Pops	Oh, it's a lever. Supposed to work the trap door, but it's busted.
Paul	It's busted, huh? (pulls it) Seems alright to me.
 	Pops falls down through the trap door. Paul addresses the camera.
Paul	I love it. But of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever. (exhales)
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Paul Simon! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a duck. A duck shows up to kiss Gonzo.
Duck 	Kissy-kissy! (laughs)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of America's great composers, Mr. Paul Simon! (audience aahs) Yes. So sit back and enjoy yourselves, as we proudly present an entire evening devoted to the music of Paul Simon.
 	The curtain opens on a Renaissance setting with several pigs and whatnots selling wares. A jester struts by on stilts. Scooter plays the flute. A pig pulls a cow on a string.
Pig (JH) 	C'mon, you … c'mon …
Fozzie 	Pies. (approaches a chicken) Pies? (the chicken clucks)
 	Some pigs dance around a maypole.
Pig (JN) 	Hot mead, cold cider.
 	
 	Angle on Paul, who strums a lute and sings "Scarborough Fair". Miss Piggy's sole part is "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme", which sounds sweet at first but gradually grows more raucous. Paul approaches a gypsy lady.
Gypsy 	Show me your life line. (looks at his palm) Sing fast.
 	Paul and Piggy continue the song. Gonzo tries to steer a goat, but fails. A duck follows and quacks.
Fozzie 	O yea, o yea! O yea, o yea! Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman …
Paul 	Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
Fozzie 	To go where?
Paul 	Well, here.
 	He shoves a pie in Fozzie's face. The gypsy lady laughs, and the other Muppets join to finish the song.
Muppets 	Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Fozzie 	What is this? What happened?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Get your red-hot parsley, sage, rosemary and thy-me!
Link Hogthrob	Hold it, hold it — this is the Sheriff of Nottingham here, and you're under arrest for playing a lute without a license. Come along! (drags Paul away)
Paul 	Rem — Remember me — to one who was there!
Muppets 	She once was a true love of his.
 	They all laugh. Applause. Paul comes back.
Statler 	Nice song.
Waldorf 	Yes. What did you think of the fair?
Statler 	I've seen better fares on the bus.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Muppets from the opening number make their way backstage.
Kermit	Okay! Nice opening number!
Fozzie	(wipes his face) Yeah. It was delicious.
 	
Kermit	Uh, guy on the stilts, mind your head on that —
 	The jester bumps his head and falls, barely touching Gonzo.
Kermit	— on that floor.
Gonzo 	Oh, Kermit, that Paul Simon is fantastic!
Kermit	Yeah.
Gonzo 	He's really the kind of performer I'd like to be.
Kermit	Well, well, he — he comes from a different area of show business.
Gonzo 	He's so entertaining!
Kermit	Exactly. (shakes head)
Gonzo 	Listen. From now on, I am going to be a songwriter.
Kermit	You write songs?
Gonzo 	Yeah. You wanna hear one?
Kermit	No!
Gonzo 	Hit it, boys! Haha!
 	An orchestral vamp builds up. Gonzo grabs a microphone and sings.
Kermit	Who's playing that music?
Gonzo 	For you —
 	
Kermit	STOP! Stop! I don't want to hear anymore of that! (runs off)
Gonzo 	But — but … ehh. Pearls before frogs. (sigh)
=="50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"==
 	
 	Floyd and Janice sing "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" with Animal and Rizzo the Rat backing them up. Rowlf briefly comes onstage after the first verse.
Rowlf	Hey, are you sure it isn't "Fifty Ways to Love your Lever"?
Floyd	Positive.
Rowlf	Oh. Sorry, Paul!
 	Rowlf exits. They finish the song.
==Dressing room==
 	
Pops	Y'know, Paul, when I found our you were doing your music on this show, I told Kermit that we should do that song of yours, "It's Been a Long, Long Day".
Paul	Oh, gee, Pops, that's nice of you to say. But you know, we didn't plan on doing that song. It's not on the schedule.
Pops	Aww. Too bad. It's a beautiful song.
Paul	Well, thanks. Of course, I never did care much for schedules.
Pops	(chuckles)
 	
 	Paul sings "Long, Long Day". The other Muppets come in and listen.
==UK spot - Veterinarian's Hospital / Muppet newsflash==
 	Piggy wiggles a doll likeness of herself as the announcer narrates. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position.
 	
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy	Uh, uh, Dr. Bob, oh, you don't look well. Are you alright?
Rowlf 	I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient.
Miss Piggy	But you cured him.
Rowlf 	You don't think that was a shock?
 	They all laugh and grimace.
Janice 	Well, here's the next one.
Rowlf 	Shock or patient?
Janice 	Both.
 	They uncover Gonzo on the operating table and react in shock.
 	
Gonzo 	There's nothing wrong with me. I just came here for laughs.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Janice 	Wowww…
Miss Piggy	Boy, are you in the wrong place. Hoo hoo hoo.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Janice 	Fer sure.
Gonzo 	As long as I'm here, I want to donate my body to science.
Rowlf 	With your body, you should donate it to science fiction! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?
Gonzo 	Who cares? I believe in reincarnation.
Rowlf 	(with Piggy) Oohh.
Miss Piggy	Uh, what are you coming back as next time?
Gonzo 	How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.
Janice 	Oh, rully.
 	The scrubs laugh. They all look up when the announcer speaks.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf 	(to Gonzo) That's our announcer.
Gonzo 	Hmm.
Announcer 	Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf 	Yes, I'm going to remove one of the patient's vital organs a great many times, whilst mentioning a Paul Simon song.
Gonzo 	Terrific! What's it called?
Rowlf 	"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Liver"!
 	They all burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Statler sits alone in the theater box.
Statler 	Brr! It's freezing in here! Hey Waldorf! When you come back, bring me my coat!
Waldorf 	What?
Statler 	Bring me my coat!
Waldorf 	(grunts) C'mon, c'mon. (leads a goat into the box)
 	
Statler 	Your hearing aid's busted again.
Waldorf 	What?
 	Statler shrugs. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman 	Here is a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Police today announced a total amnesty on all overdue library books. Library fines will be forgiven on all overdue books returned to this station within the next three seconds. — Three seconds? That must be a misprint!
 	
 	A stack of books falls on him.
==Dressing room==
 	Paul strums his guitar. Gonzo enters with a WHOOSH!
Gonzo	Am I interrupting anything?
Paul 	Hey, Gonzo. Come on in.
Gonzo	Thank you. (relaxes himself)
Paul 	Can I tell you something?
Gonzo	Sure.
Paul 	You are my favorite Muppet.
Gonzo	Wow. Thank you, Paul. Uh, is it okay if I call you Paul?
Paul 	Oh, yeah, sure.
Gonzo	And you can call me "Gonzo the Great".
Paul 	Okay.
Gonzo	Well. That's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
Paul 	Which one of your songs?
 	
Gonzo	You don't think I'm musically educated?
Paul 	Oh, I think you're musically educated. It's just that I —
Gonzo	Good. Hand me that clarinet. (points to Paul's guitar)
Paul 	Gonzo, y'know, this "clarinet" is — is my very favorite "clarinet" and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
Gonzo	But I'll — but I'll guard it with my life!
Paul 	(sigh) I feared you'd say that.
Gonzo	Okay, I'll tell you what. You play and I'll sing. Hit it.
 	Paul begins playing.
Gonzo	Good.
For you …
I'd wash my hair with stinky glue,
I'd fry my legs and eat them too,
I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!
That's just the first verse. You want to hear the other twenty-eight?
Paul 	I'm still thinking about that first verse.
Gonzo	Yeah, what about it? Tell me. I'm willing to listen.
Paul 	Well, you know the part about the stinky glue?
Gonzo	Fantastico! Ah-ha-ha!
Paul 	I wouldn't have written it that way. (Gonzo nods) And then — then also that part about, "I'd fry my legs and eat them too" …
Gonzo	Uh, you don't like the leg-frying motif?
Paul 	I think I'm sick.
Gonzo	Well … if you're gonna get picky about minor technicalities …
Paul 	I dunno, it's just my opinion.
Gonzo	Oh yeah? And do they call you "Simon the Great"?
Paul 	No.
Gonzo	Yeah. I stayed up all night writing the leg-frying motif.
Paul 	I'll tell you what. Uh — I promise you, I'll never play this, um, instrument again, unless I'm playing one of your songs.
Gonzo	Wow! You really mean that?
Paul 	Absolutely. A promise is a promise.
 	He smashes the guitar on the table.
 	
==Backstage==
Kermit	(through the intercom) Okay. Uh, next on stage, Gonzo the Great.
 	WHOOSH! Gonzo enters.
Gonzo 	Check! Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!
Kermit	Uh, Gonzo, you're not gonna sing, are you?
Gonzo 	Never mind. Just introduce me.
Kermit	Well, why don't you do that act you rehearsed?
 	
Gonzo 	What? Perform an underwater heart transplant operation on myself??
Kermit	(nods) Sure. Why not?
Gonzo 	I dunno. Last time I did it, I died.
 	The jester, still on stilts, walks on the balcony as a pig follows.
Kermit	Listen, Gonzo, I'm telling you flatly, you can't sing.
Gonzo 	Oh, I can sing flatly.
Kermit	(grimaces) Not on this show! The only songs we're doing here are Paul Simon's songs!
Gonzo 	Well, fine! I'll do a Paul Simon song.
Kermit	Really?
Gonzo 	Yeah.
Kermit	Okay, I'll introduce you.
Gonzo 	Good. (Kermit runs onstage) Or sort of a Paul Simon song.
 	
 	The jester falls off the balcony, then gets up.
Gonzo 	Wow! Nice work, kid!
 	He slaps the stilts, knocking over the jester again.
=="El Condor Pasa"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay! Well, we've done a lot for the music lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music haters — so here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo, singing a song. Yaaay. Uh — those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.
 	Open on a mountain setting. Gonzo sits in a hay field amongst chickens and a goat, strums a guitar and sings to the tune of "El Condor Pasa".
 	
Gonzo 	
I'd rather be a pancake than a sneeze,
In the trees, a life of ease.
I'd rather be an elbow than a drain,
In the rain. It's very plain.
Paul 	(from the wings) Hey Gonzo! You got the melody right, but I think those are the wrong words.
Gonzo 	You write 'em your way, I'll write 'em mine!
 	Gonzo continues singing while Paul and Beauregard watch.
Gonzo 	
I'd rather be a mushroom than a phone …
All alone … nowhere home …
Paul 	(to Beau) Y'know, if he's gonna do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back.
 	
Beauregard	What're you gonna do?
Paul 	I'm gonna take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over!
 	The chickens flock him.
Gonzo 	Oh no! You can't do this to me! Camilla, this is treason!
 	A closing sting plays.
Waldorf 	You know what kind of party Paul's having?
Statler 	No.
Waldorf 	A hen party!
 	They chuckle and cluck.
==Bobby Benson and his Baby Band==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite Paul Simon songs, "Baby Driver", as performed by Bobby Benson and the all-baby band, poses the musical question, "Is it a good idea to let a 12-month old baby drive on the freeway while playing the ukulele?" Uh — well, the answer is, no, it isn't, and I'm getting out of here.
 	
 	Bobby conducts the babies in a moving, motorized carriage. A dog chases the carriage as the babies sing.
Waldorf	(shakes head) They should do something about those baby drivers.
Statler	Yeah. Do you think they should be booked?
Waldorf	No, burped!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Bobby and the babies pass Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay. Good number, guys.
Bobby Benson	I know, I know.
 	The jester walks around on stilts.
Lew Zealand 	Hey, catch!
 	
 	Lew throws the jester a fish; the jester falls over. Gonzo wheels a nest with green eggs.
Kermit 	Oh, Gonzo, I-I-I heard about Paul Simon taking your chickens. I'm sorry about that.
Gonzo 	Oh, not to worry, Kermit! Chickens are much too fickle, so I'm developing a new obsession.
Kermit 	Really? What — what could possibly replace chickens in your life?
 	
Gonzo 	Hold on to your collar …
Kermit 	Hmm?
Gonzo 	… ASPARAGUS!
Kermit 	(frowns) Asparagus?
Gonzo 	Yes. Your average asparagus is much more loyal than even the finest chicken.
Kermit 	Oh, okay, but uh, what are these eggs here for?
Gonzo 	These are asparagus eggs.
Kermit 	Gonzo, asparagus is a plant! It doesn't come from eggs!
Gonzo 	What?? I've been bamboozled! Daahhh! (runs off)
Kermit 	Poor Gonzo.
 	
 	Baby asparagus spears hatch out of the green eggs, and start addressing Kermit as "daddy". Kermit runs off.
=="Loves Me Like a Rock"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters, followed by the baby asparagus spears.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen … (shoos them away) … get off, get off, get off! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon!
 	
 	Paul sings "Loves Me Like a Rock", backed by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem and the Female Singers.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, you know, I hate long goodbyes, but for those of you who like them, gooooodbyyyyeeee! And before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon! YAAAYY!
 	Paul emerges to applause.
Paul 	Thank you very much. And thank you, Kermit. I had a wonderful time.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
 	The chickens flock around Paul.
Paul 	Ow — ouch.
Kermit 	I hate to say this, Paul, but you look a little hen-pecked.
Paul 	Oh, that's okay. I know how to take care of this.
Kermit 	Really? How?
 	
Paul 	Five chicken dinners to go!
 	The chickens scatter away.
Paul 	And a side order of asparagus.
 	The baby asparagus spears gather around Kermit — "da-da!".
Kermit 	Okay, that's all the time we have! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The other Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler	(wakes Waldorf) Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show!
Waldorf	Who's a fool? You watched it! (chuckles)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts