Friends and Family/Quotes

:Smithers: Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.
:Mr. Burns: Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!
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:(Mr. Burns walks down the medical complex's hallway)
:Doctor 1: Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint?
:Doctor 2: Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs!
:Doctor 3: Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
:Mr. Burns: Ooh! Can I buy it as a gift?
:Doctor 3: No!
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:Dr. Nussbaum: I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.
:Mr. Burns: (angry) Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues?
:Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah all right, I'm afraid our fifty minutes are almost up.
:Mr. Burns: Sorry. You were saying?
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:Dr. Nussbaum: Monty, I... I give up.
:Mr. Burns: After only seventy years of therapy?
:Dr. Nussbaum: You're never gonna change, you... you will never have this! (Shows him a cube with pictures of his family)
:Mr. Burns: A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people?
:Dr. Nussbaum: That is my family, people who love me!
:Mr. Burns: Yes. You're right. I should consider encasing people in plastic. Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces! (chuckles)
:Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah, we're finished here. Get out!
:Mr. Burns: May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour?
:Dr. Nussbaum: Oh! Why did I lock in at that rate?
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:Mr. Burns: (next to Dr. Nussbaum's body) Hmm. No pulse. Oh, wait, that's me! (grabs the doctor's pulse) Dead. So sad. He was a true friend. (marks "Outlive all friends" on his bucket list) Excellent!
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:Marge: I can't believe Dr. Nussbaum's dead.
:Lisa: Uh... We've had a lot of therapists and... Which one was he again?
:Marge: He was the one who helped us communicate.
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:Maggie: (While everyone on the family is fighting) Maggie talk! Maggie talk! No one listen? Maggie never talk again. (puts her pacifier back in)
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:Mr. Burns: Stoned. At a funeral.
:Otto: Ooh wow! Where's the funeral?
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:Smithers: I... I didn't mean to hit him, sir.
:Mr. Burns: Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (Smithers pushes Burns out of the way of a truck)
:Truck Driver: Idiot!
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:Mr. Burns: (testing the Oculus Frink) Hmm... Not bad. Next?
:Smithers: This is still a new technology, sir, at the moment it's really just lots of... pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one.
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:Smithers: Oh, sorry, sir. This one is also pornography!
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:Smithers: Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family".
:Mr. Burns: : I don't need anyone! (trips on the wires)
:Smithers: We could program a virtual family for you, sir.
:Mr. Burns: A virtual family... Yes!
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:(the Spucklers goes on stage with all of his children)
:Smithers: Uh... we only need three children, thanks.
:Cletus: Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'!?
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:(the Van Houten go on stage)
:Mr. Burns: You! Wife! Look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband! (Luann looks at Mr. Burns ticked off)
:Kirk: Eh... Can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that! Luann, pretend it's my birthday.
:Mr. Burns: Next.
:Milhouse: You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie!
:Kirk: It's Curvy Barbie. And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes!
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:(the Simpsons go on stage)
:Homer: Uh... this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out.
:Mr. Burns: So far so good. Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle. You're all hired! Except you, fatso. We don't need a father, I'll be the rooster in this henhouse!
:Homer: That is so disappointing. I've always wanted to work for Mr. Burns.
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:(Smithers entering information on a portable as Mr. Burns sees the Simpsons in a virtual setting circa the late 1940s)
:Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, one favor: make the children look like they're mine.
:(Maggi, Lisa and Bart's heads are all replaced with Mr. Burns' head.)
:Mr. Burns: No, no, no! It's too beautiful. Like a Supreme Court full of Scalias. Switch to something else.
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:Lenny: What's the matter Homer?
:Homer: Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till eleven at night. When I came back from Moe's at eleven o'five, they were still taking off their coats!
:Carl: I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now.
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:Mr. Burns: Oh, that was wonderful. I'm picking up your ten-year options!
:Marge: Ten years?
:Mr. Burns: Oh, now, now, no discussion. We're a family now! (Maggie tries to hug Mr. Burns) Ugh! What is that? A river otter?
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:Marge: (on the phone with Homer) We're not coming home, Homie.
:Homer: What? What do I do without you here?
:Marge: You can do what you did with me there: Go to Moe's.
:Homer: Uh, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore.
:Marge: Oh. You could clean out the attic...
:Homer: Going to Moe's! (hangs up)
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:Homer: (while laying down naked on the roof) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right.
:Julia: How you doing?
:Homer: Aah!
:Julia: Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times. I live in the house behind yours.
:Homer: (stands up and hides his crotch with a Frisbee) I don't think my wife would like this.
:Julia: Hey, I got a boyfriend. And you're not my type!
:Ned: (from his house) Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies!
:Julia: Pft! Stupid Flanders.
:Ned: Oh! You made me lose count! (Homer and Julia laugh)
:Julia: Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal! (Throws a beer can to him)
:Homer: (catches the beer can with the Frisbee and hides his crotch with a toy rocket) Wow! Can a man just be friends with a woman?
:Julia: Here are some pretzels! (Throws a bag of pretzels to him)
:Homer: (drops the toy rocket and grabs the pretzels) Yes he can!
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:Julia: (gives a beer can to Homer) Have one. I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed!
:Homer: Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.
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:Homer: So uh... Where's the lucky guy?
:Julia: Gone for the weekend. He's an airline pilot.
:Homer: Maybe he and I can go out for beers before a flight.
:Julia: Mmm. Where's your wife?
:Homer: Uh... She's staying at this billionaire's house working as a virtual reality actress. You know, the usual.
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:Marge: Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer! My spousal sense is tingling.
:Lisa: Mom, you blew the take!
:Mr. Burns: Okay, that's it. I'll direct, and I'll show you how a pro does it. (points at Lisa) You! daughter character, say you love me!
:Lisa: (flatly) I love you.
:Mr. Burns: Like you mean it!
:Lisa: (flatly) I really love you.
:Mr. Burns: Once more, with feeling!
:Lisa: (flatly) I... really... love... you. Blech.
:Mr. Burns: This girl has no chops whatsoever!
:Lisa: The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir.
:Mr. Burns: Would you like some eggs with that ham?
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:Carl: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa!! Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh?
:Homer: Guys, we're just friends, It's purely catatonic.
:Julia: Platonic.
:Homer: That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool.
:Julia: I like you, but that's not what it means.
:Homer: Sure, right. (winks)
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:Mr. Burns: Everyone out! You're all fired!! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine.
:Lisa: Try acting.
:Marge: Come on, kids.
:Bart: I'm taking my bathrobe!
:Mr. Burns: There's a dye pack stitched in. (Smithers pops the dye pack, painting the bathrobe blue)
:Bart: Joke's on you, I like this better! (leaves)
:Mr. Burns: Oh go ahead, take your robe! But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again!
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:Homer: Hey guys! It's good to see you!
:Marge: Hmm. Good to see you. Who were you talking to?
:Homer: My friend Julia.
:Lisa: Juli-a? Like a girl?
:Homer: She's not a girl, she's three years younger than your mother! (Marge grunts) Now, Marge, it's cool! All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
:Marge: Mm hmm. Kids, could you leave the room, please? (the kids turn around) Faster!
:Bart: (helps his sisters into the laundry chute before jumping himself) Geronimo!
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:Homer: You'll never hear the name Julia again.
:Julia: (enters the house) Hi, I'm Julia! (Marge grunts) I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you you've got a great husband.
:Marge: I've got a nice bicycle too, but I keep a lock on it!
:Julia: I have no interest in... riding... your bike. But I want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can.
:Homer: And Marge, I love you as much as that bike.
:Julia: You are the bike.
:Homer: Wha? (Julia leaves)
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:Marge: I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Apparently, you didn't do anything wrong. But I'm not wrong for getting mad at you either!
:Homer: Marge, Julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us. For example, I realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you don't say anything about it, you know, and you're just being nice.
:Marge: That's true.
:Homer: And when something's bothering you, sometimes I should just say, "I understand" instead of trying to fix it, because all you really need is someone to know what you're feeling.
:Marge: That is really, really lovely. (they kiss each other)
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:Julia: I have to confess, I did see him naked on the roof.
:Julia's Fiancée: I did too, and I was ten thousand feet in the air!
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es:Friends and Family/Frases