Episode 524: Roger Moore/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 524: Roger Moore.
==Cold open==
 	Theater entrance. Pops sneezes into a handkerchief. Roger Moore enters.
Pops 	Well, who are you?
Roger	Well, I'm tonight's guest star, Roger Moore.
Pops 	That's funny, I coulda swore you were that James Bond fella from the movies.
Roger	Well, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies. I mean, all that secret agent spy stuff is only make believe.
 	Roger walks away.
Pops 	Okay, young fella, if you say so.
 	Once Roger leaves, Pops starts speaking into a walkie-talkie.
Pops 	Hello, this is Agent Pops to Control. Do you read me?
Roger	(on other line) Go ahead, Agent Pops.
Pops 	Yeah, 007 just passed check poyebo headed your wa — AACK!
 	
 	Roger sneaks up from behind and puts him in a headlock.
Roger	All right, who're you working for?
Pops 	The frog! The frog!
Roger	(lets Pops go) Hmm. That's funny. So am I. (leaves)
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Moore! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a coach's whistle, and so a soccer ball is thrown at him, pushing the trumpet down his throat.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is James Bond, secret agent 007, known secretly to his millions of fans as movie star Roger Moore! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation "worst human beings in history" —
 	The Swedish Chef, taking offense, whacks Kermit with a pan, and exits.
Kermit 	Uh, I'm sorry about that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh … the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers.
 	Open on a quaint little village by the coast. A Viking pig ship approaches.
 	The head Viking blows a horn, and the villagers scramble away.
 	
The pigs sing "In the Navy" as they pillage the town and recruit the villagers, including the ducks, cows, sheep, goats and chickens.
Waldorf	Tell me, Statler, did you ever have any Naval experience?
Statler	Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.
Waldorf	Really? How?
Statler	I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit speaks through the intercom. Upstairs, Annie Sue practices some lines.
Kermit 	Okay, Roger Moore's number is next. On stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.
 	The Viking pigs walk past him.
Kermit 	Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.
Viking pig	Moørt mørks, vërduügå brødskå.
Kermit 	(nods) Mmm. Tell that to the Chef!
 	
 	Scooter and Beauregard approach, carrying cream pies.
Scooter 	Hey Kermit, you want us to put these pies on stage?
Kermit 	Uh, no. Why?
Scooter 	Well, don't you remember? When I asked you what we were gonna do for that big James Bond number with Roger Moore, you said "use pies".
Kermit 	No no no, not "pies", I said "spies"!
Scooter 	Oh. How embarrassing.
 	Miss Piggy walks past them.
Kermit 	Oh, oh, yes, uh, never mind, listen, I gotta introduce Roger's first number. Just get rid of those pies.
Beauregard	You mean throw them away?
Kermit 	Yeah. (walks on stage)
Beauregard	Okay. (launches his pie tray towards the stage)
Scooter 	Wha — OH! WATCH OUT!!
 	
 	On stage, a pie hits Kermit in the face.
Kermit 	Uh, excuse the, uh, excuse the pie, folks. It's all part of the show. Ahem. Um, and now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaayy!
=="On a Slow Boat to China"==
 	The curtain opens, revealing Roger and Piggy in a fancy penthouse setting.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Come sit, Roger.
 	Roger sits next to Piggy on the couch, setting two champagne glasses on the table.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Roger, I'm so glad you asked me up here.
Roger 	Well, actually, I didn't ask you.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Well, heh, Roger, mon amour, you know we are meant to be, vous et moi.
Roger 	Vous et moi? Nous?
Miss Piggy	Who?
Roger 	"We".
Miss Piggy	Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.
Roger 	What are you trying to say, Miss Piggy?
 	
 	She gets close to him as she sings.
Miss Piggy	Oh —I'd love to get you, Roger,On a slow boat to China,All to myself … alone…
Roger 	I can't believe that she's singing to me.
Miss Piggy	(stands up)Get you and keep you in my arms evermore …
Roger 	Look, look, Piggy, I must be honest, I have a date!
Miss Piggy	Leave all your ladiesWeeping on the faraway shore!
Roger 	Yes, but what about Kermit? He's your true love.
Miss Piggy	Out on the briny, oh Roger,Where the moon's big and shiny!
Roger 	I'm not green. I don't have flippers.
Miss Piggy	Melting your heart of stone …
 	
Roger 	Just look, my eyes don't bulge, I don't eat flies — I'm not your type!
Miss Piggy	Oh! I'd like to take youOn a slow boat to China…
Roger 	Piggy, you are wrinkling the lapels.
Miss Piggy	All to myself, haha, alone!
Roger 	Please, you really must stop.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Roger, I know what you're thinking!
Roger 	I doubt that.
Miss Piggy	Yes, you are thinking that you are a man and … I am a pig.
Roger 	Why would I think that?
Miss Piggy	Oh, Roger! Silly, dear, dear Roger, it can work! Roger — we can make it work!! Yes!
Roger 	But I don't want to make it work!
Miss Piggy	(throws herself upon him again) OH!!I'd love to get youOn a ssssssslow boat to China…
Roger 	Not even Concorde.
Miss Piggy	All to myself,Aloooooooooone …
Roger 	Piggy, my date'll be here any second …
Miss Piggy	Oh Roger —All to myself!A! LOOOOOOOOONE!!
 	She starts showering him with kisses.
Miss Piggy	Oh Roger! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Roger 	Miss Piggy! Piggy! You'll ruin your date —
 	The song ends; the doorbell rings. Annie Sue enters.
Annie Sue 	Roger, I'm here!
 	Roger walks over to her.
 	
Roger 	Annie Sue, how lovely you look.
Annie Sue 	(swoons)
Miss Piggy	This is your date?
Roger 	Yes, we're going to the opening of Hamlet. Put off the lights, will you?
 	Roger and Annie Sue exit. Piggy walks over to Roger's picture on the table, and gives it a karate chop.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
Waldorf 	Quite a touching scene. Oh-oh-seven and seven-oh-oh. (chuckles)
Statler 	Seven-oh-oh? (Waldorf nods) Is that Miss Piggy's code name?
Waldorf 	No, it's her weight!
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Her weight!
==Backstage==
 	Roger and Annie Sue walk off stage. In the background, Gaffer cleans herself.
Kermit 	Okay, nice number, nice number.
Roger 	Thank you, Annie Sue.
Annie Sue	Thank you! (walks away)
Kermit 	Roger, you were great.
Roger 	Oh, thank you, Kermit. By the way, do you use pies on the show?
Kermit 	Spies?
Roger 	No, pies.
Kermit 	Well — maybe down in the canteen.
 	
Roger 	On stage.
Kermit 	I, I don't think so. Why?
Roger 	I just trod in one.
 	Angle on his foot. A rat with a spoon passes by and follows him upstairs.
Kermit 	Gee. He's so suave, I never would have noticed unless he mentioned it. (into the intercom) Okay, Lew Zealand, you're on.
=="You Light Up My Life"==
 	Lew Zealand enters the stage to a row of five fish.
Lew Zealand	Heh heh heh heh! Yeah, here I am, Lew Zealand and my fabulous singing fish! Heh heh heh heh! With our rendition of "You Light Up My Life". Heh, maestro, please.
 	
 	Music begins. Lew plays the fish like a row of horns, until he is yanked off-stage by a hook.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy, dressed for Veterinarian's Hospital, yanks Lew off stage with the hook and pulls him aside.
Miss Piggy 	(grunting) Listen, fish-freak, we are trying to put on a classy show here!
Lew Zealand	You can't treat me like that! I'll sic my pet barracuda on you! Get 'er, Fred! (wiggles it in her face)
Miss Piggy 	AAAAH! Get that slimy thing away from me! (swats it with the hook)
 	
Kermit 	(on the intercom) Okay, Vet's Hospital on in three minutes!
Lew Zealand	Kamikaze attack! Banzai!
 	Piggy ducks as Lew throws the fish at her. She gets up and notices Roger, who just came down from the dressing room.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Haha! Roger, how was Hamlet?
Roger 	It was canceled. We saw Pygmalion instead.
 	Piggy runs off in a huff.
Lew Zealand	Good riddance, short-snout!
Roger 	Kermit, is it always like this on the show?
Kermit 	Uh, well, how do you mean?
Roger 	All this craziness.
Kermit 	Oh, well, this is a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far.
 	The Vet's Hospital cast tramples over Kermit as they rush towards the stage.
Janice 	Hurry up, guys!
Rowlf 	All right, all right, all right … I just hit the frog.
Miss Piggy 	WATCH OUT!!! (knocks Kermit over)
Roger 	Unforeseen disasters?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, well, that's a disaster that we knew about all along.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Pan across the operating room as the opening music plays. Piggy walks to the table, which has a Viking pig as the patient.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Well, Nurse Piggy, ready to save another life?
Miss Piggy 	Yes, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Good! Send the patient to another hospital! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Janice 	Dr. Bob, this is a special patient! Can't you tell by looking at him?
Rowlf 	(sits the patient up) Yes, he looks like a very unlucky bullfighter — gored right through the gourd! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Rowlf 	Down, boy!
Miss Piggy 	Dr. Bob, that is a helmet and he is a Viking.
Rowlf 	I know all about 'em. They come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, this isn't going to be a "great Dane" joke, is it?
Rowlf 	Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great. (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Janice 	Dr. Bob, no more jokes just because he's Danish!
Rowlf 	Well, don't blame me! I ordered a roll, not a Danish! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan) Brother!
Rowlf 	Gotta keep 'em coming, fast and furious.
Janice 	Why not try fast and funny?
Piggy & Rowlf 	(groan)
 	
Viking pig 	(sits up) Just hurry it up, will ya? I've gotta get back to my plundering and pillaging!
Rowlf 	(pushes him down) Down, boy! Listen, my ancestor the Viking was terrible at plundering and pillaging.
Janice 	He was?
Rowlf 	Yes, he blundered his plundering and he was stupid with his pillaging! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan) How stupid was he?
Rowlf 	They called him the Pillage Idiot! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …
Rowlf 	Good night, and may the good Lord take a Viking to you! (chuckles)
Janice 	(groan)
Miss Piggy 	Ah ha ha ha! "Viking to you"! Ha ha ha ha!
==UK Spot==
	
	In the orchestra pit, Rowlf, Zoot, Janice, Floyd, Animal, Lips and Trumpet Girl perform an instrumental of "How High the Moon."
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer 	And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol!
 	Police station. Chief Link looks in the mirror while fitting a new toupee.
Fozzie 	Oh — oh great, you found my frisbee!
Link Hogthrob	It is not a frisbee, it is my toupee. It's a good thing I ordered a new one.
 	A knock on the door.
Link Hogthrob	Oh! That must be the visiting toupee representative, and you know what that means.
Fozzie 	Yes! The Wigman!
 	The salesman enters.
Salesman 	This could be your lucky day!
Link Hogthrob	Well, I certainly hope so.
 	The salesman sets a suitcase down on the table, opens it, and takes out a pair of handcuffs.
Salesman 	These are the very latest …
 	He puts one of the cuffs on Fozzie.
Link Hogthrob	That is not a wig.
Salesman 	It is not a wig.
Link Hogthrob	It would look dumb and they would slide off my head.
Salesman 	No, these will never slide off. (yanks Fozzie along, demonstrating his point)
Fozzie 	Whoa! Wait! Sir? Sir, you're OH! — Sir, sir, sir —WHOA! Sir! Sir!
Salesman 	Yeah! Get the picture?
Link Hogthrob	Yes! You are a handcuff salesman!
Fozzie 	(exhausted, to salesman) I don't think we need any handcuffs today, sir. See, (points to Link) he loses the key.
Link Hogthrob	Ohhhh!
Salesman 	Here, you try 'em!
 	He snaps the other cuff on Link.
Fozzie 	What are you do- … I don't like this. Wait a min- OH! Whoa! Sir! Whoa!
 	Link yanks Fozzie while trying to get loose.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah. They're good, all right.
Fozzie 	I don't know, there's something about them I just don't like.
Salesman 	Well, they do have some drawbacks.
Fozzie 	How do you get them off?
Salesman 	That's one of the biggest.
 	He swiftly strips Link and Fozzie down to their underwear, making off with their uniforms and valuables.
Fozzie 	Wait, hold it! You can't leave us like this!
Salesman 	You're right. Here's fifty cents.
 	He tosses two quarters.
Link Hogthrob	What's that for?
Salesman 	Get yourself a decent frisbee.
 	He wheelbarrows the entire contents of the station away.
 	
==Backstage==
 	Kermit talks on the phone.
Kermit 	Hello, Secret Service? Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, speaking from the Muppet Theater. Uh, listen, I need to hire a bunch of spies for a closing number. (nods) Mm-hm. How fast can you get here?
 	He is immediately cornered by three Frackle spies.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, that was pretty fast! (the spies chuckle)
Purple spy	All right, who gave you the Secret Service phone number?
Kermit 	No one! It's in the Yellow Pages!
Spies 	It is?
Kermit 	Mm-hm. Listen, all I wanted was some real-life spies for a closing number. It's a big spy spectacular featuring 007, James Bond.
Spies 	James Bond?
 	
Purple spy	Don't worry.
Pink spy 	We'll fix 'im. (the spies chuckle)
Kermit 	What?
Purple spy	Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again.
Pink spy 	Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond!
Kermit 	Hey guys …
 	The spies laugh, then quickly depart. Roger comes out of his dressing room.
Roger 	Kermit? Excuse me, Kermit, everything ready for the closing number?
Kermit 	Uh, it's all fixed up, Roger, and it's going to be absolutely and totally —
Roger 	Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry.
Kermit 	Uh, cute was the only thing I hadn't worried about.
Roger 	But, Kermit, I'm going to sing "Talk to the Animals," surrounded by oodles of cute, fluffy little creatures. (strokes Gaffer) You'll be surprised.
Kermit 	I'll be surprised? I already am.
 	Meanwhile, the spies hide behind the circus set.
Purple spy	Cute fluffy animals, huh?
Pink spy 	Good thing we're masters of instant disguise!
 	The spies chuckle as Kermit encounters them.
Kermit 	Good thing you're what?
 	
 	The spies pop out wearing furry costumes.
Spies 	Cute fluffy animals! (they chuckle)
Kermit 	What the hey?
==Muppet Sports==
 	The split-screen montage plays as Louis announces.
Louis Kazagger	This is Louis Kazagger, from the Woodland Hills, Nevada, Salt Flats, where we are now in the fifth week of the annual Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Cross-Country Billiards Tournament.
 	Pan over to a forest clearing.
Louis Kazagger	Here at the far turn, it appears that top-seated Rodney Rugg is in the lead.
 	
 	A cue ball lands. Rodney hits it with his cue, then runs after it. Another player passes him.
Louis Kazagger	However, eager young Swedish hopeful Boo Mortmorkson is pulling up fast with only three and a half miles to go.
 	
 	Mortmorkson approaches his cue ball, hits it, and follows it.
Louis Kazagger	Wait a minute! What a game, folks! Boo has overshot the course, and landed in a trap!
 	A deer emerges, with the ball in his antler.
Louis Kazagger	A moose trap, that is.
Deer 	I'm not a moose. I'm a deer!
 	Mortmorkson encounters the deer. The deer dodges as Mortmorkson tries to hit the ball. He chases after the deer, yelling out as if it were a mating call.
Louis Kazagger	And that's all for now, from Muppet Sports.
==Muppet Newsflash==
 	Open on Newsman in newsroom.
Newsman 	Here is a Muppet newsflash. (reads from the paper) An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news. Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here. (tosses the paper away) In other news, a black and yellow striped mackerel was elected king this morning and — (scowls) — Art?
Janitor 	Yes?
Newsman 	Where have you been?
Janitor 	Oh, I've been showing His Majesty around the newsroom.
 	
 	The king fish enters.
Newsman 	Holy mackerel!
Mackerel	No, "your highness" will do. Would you like to be knighted?
Newsman 	Uh, of course!
Mackerel	Okay! Good night!
 	He whacks the Newsman with his scepter.
==Backstage==
 	Scooter is surrounded by a menagerie of cute, fluffy animals for the closing number. He tries to stop a gopher from drinking out of Kermit's coffee mug.
Scooter 	Uh, don't drink that, I don't think Kermit — aww … no, no, please don't touch …
 	Upstairs, the spies gather in disguise.
Purple spy (green dog)	The next musical number is where we get Bond. (they chuckle) Just go down there, mingle with the other animals, and act cute and cuddly. (they chuckle and go downstairs)
Scooter 	Let go! Let go! Let go!
 	
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter, Scooter, listen, I gotta go introduce the finale. Now, some of these animals are spies. (Scooter gasps) Uh, you gotta get rid of the spies.
Scooter 	But how?
Kermit 	Uh, well, tell them there are no spies in the closing number. You just say, "Spies, go home." (walks to the stage)
Purple spy 	Okay, mingle, mingle …
Scooter 	Uh … there are no spies in the closing number! (the animals react in confusion) Spies, go home! (the animals shrug) Kermit, nobody's goin' home!
=="Talk to the Animals"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, well, folks, we were going to do a big James Bond closing number, with spies and counterspies and action and mayhem, (shouts offstage) but we're not going to do that! Please! Uh, so uh, here he is, that gentle, fun-loving charmer, Roger Moore.
 	The curtain opens on a circus setting. Roger strolls around.
Roger 	If I could talk to the animals,Just imagine it.Talking to a chimp in chimpanzee.
Quongo 	Hi, Rog.
Rabbit 	(singing)Imagine talking to a tiger…
Tiger 	(singing)Rapping with a rabbit…
 	
Roger 	What a happy habit that would be.If I could talk to the animals…
Animals 	(singing)Learn our languages…
Gopher 	(singing)Maybe take an animal degree…
Roger 	I'd study elephant, and eagle,Buffalo, and beagle,Alligator, guinea pig, and flea.
Dog 	Scratch the flea.
Roger 	I'd learn to parlez vous avec my poodle.With my g'nu …
Gnu 	Your g'noodle would expand.
Roger 	And if they asked me, "Can you handle an Afghan?" …
Afghan 	You'd say …
Roger 	"I have-gan!"
Afghan 	And you'd get a hand!
Roger 	If I conferred with my furry friends,Man to animal,There would be no animosity.If I could walk with the animals,Talk with the animals …
Roger & animals 	Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …
Roger 	And they could talk. To. Me.
Baskerville 	Uh, excuse me, Roger, but aren't you also 007, James Bond?
Roger 	Well, sometimes.
Baskerville 	(fearful) Oh, I hope this is one of those times!
Roger 	Why?
Baskerville 	Because those new guys over there are spies!
Roger 	Not spies, pies! I trod in one earlier.
 	The head spy hands him a lit bomb.
 	
Purple spy (green dog)	Candygram!
 	Roger tosses away the bomb, then proceeds to fend off the spies' attack flawlessly as he continues the song.
Roger 	I'll have a talk to the animals,Trade a thought or twoIn language I think they'll comprehend.And to the music of Scarlatti, Some judo and karate, I'll prove I'm strong enough to make them bend.Communication is what we need,Then they'll understand,Things can always end up peacefully.When I've explained to the animals,Brained all the animals,Fought and taught and trained all the animals,They won't talk back … to … me.
 	The animals cheer and gather around him.
Animals 	(singing)Now that you've talked to the animals,Who needs other tongues?
Roger 	I can speak your language fluently.Now I can walk with the animals,Talk to the animals,
Roger & animals 	Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …
 	
Roger 	And they can talk. To. Me.
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit comes on stage.
Kermit 	And as we explode gently into the West, we hope you got as big a bang out of tonight's show as we did.
 	A bomb explodes behind him, startling him.
Kermit 	Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a very courageous and brave and foolhardy guest, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaay!
Roger 	Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, and I have certainly learnt my lesson.
Kermit 	Uh, well, what lesson is that?
Roger 	Well, from now on, I am through with cute, cuddly little animals.
 	
 	He is then surrounded by ugly Muppets who get cozy around him.
Roger 	Thanks to this show, I shall stick to the sick, weird, disgusting animals I can trust.
Kermit 	Well, uh, that's all for now! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The credits roll.
Statler	Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals.
Waldorf	What animals?
Statler	The wife and kids!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts