Other Contra games

Other Contra Games is a two part episodes of The Irate Gamer.
The long list of doublethink commited by The Irate Gamer can be seen here
==Plot Summary==
In this epic two parter, audiences are invited to see Chris Bores as the Irate Gamer demonstrate the futility of pacifist philosophy in an action based video game. Watch as Chris Bores is repeatedly covered in big burly men and loses all his lives as man after man comes into contact with his character. Chris Bores stretches his philosophy to the limit as he discusses the beauty of what could possibly be, a giant monsterous killing machine with a horrific woman for a face. Chris Bores then attempts to prove that he is a gamer but the cosmic universal balance is distrupted and a major alien task force is sent to earth in response. The resulting space war is fierce, brutal and tragic in this episode of the Irate Gamer show.
==High detail Plot Summary (Super C and Contra Force) Aka Other Contra Gamer Part 1==
The episode is titled, 'Other contra games Pt. 1 Super Contra Force' despite the game Super Contra Force not ever existing. This is meant to warn viewers as to the quality of the content of what they are about to waste bandwidth to watch. The episode begins with the standard intro with the uncredited song 'blind pass' being played (it is unknown if the author is okay with its unauthorized and uncited use but given that nothing has happened, its clear that the author of that song is okay with being ripped off. Of course considering that Chris Bores only seems to rip off popular and successful people, having one's song stolen may actually be a praise worthy achievement.
The review portion starts with Chris Bores saying that Contra was successful enough to warrant a sequel and the name of this sequel is Super C. “Now I’m not a marketing genius or anything…but how would anybody know this is a Contra game by looking at the title?” says Chris unaware of the role of advertising. This is confusing as Irate Gamer has recently started a blog in which he fails to cover recent topics in a reasonable time and advertises for nearly worthless products in a manner similar to a private blog (even though the blog is commercial). Chris sucessfully inputs the game into the NES without accidentally killing or maiming himself; a feat most praiseworthy considering that Chris has sprained his arm while buttering a slice of toast
“Once you’re dropped out of a helicopter, your mission begins” Says Chris Bores, clearly a man capable of describing events as they transpire. Chris states that Super C is harder than the NES contra despite many people agreeing that Super C is easier than the first Contra game. “They pretty much made the same game, but doubled the amount of enemies.” says Chris Bores on the difficulty of the game. The increase in the number of people capable of defending themselves offends Chris as he cannot bring himself to harm individuals who can fight back so he must instead fight individuals on uneven ground like his youtube comment channels where he can safely delete people's comments and pretend they didn't try to justify their own argument. Chris reinforces this when he states that there are too many enemies and he can't avoid them, showing footage where he refuses to use his guns to hurt people who clearly trying to kill him. Chris Bores states that the only way he could win is if he had a controller for a hand... hopefully while the audience doesn't make one-handed controller jokes. A picture of Chris with his hand fused into a controller appears in order to help the imaginatively impaired and to illustrate the flaws of the joke as his hand is a controller, which reduces the number of hands he can use to push buttons. “The aliens are back with a vengeance!” says Chris on the difficulty of the game. A poorly edited ship from galaga comes in and kills Irate Gamer's character, an entirely unnecessary move as Chris would have gotten him killed anyway. A powerup appears on a ledge and Chris complains about not being able to get a powerup he doesn't need as that powerup kills all the enemies on the screen (and there isn't enough enemies on the screen to justify freaking out over it). Chris then gets his main charactered killed in a sad attempt to get the screen killing powerup demonstrating that if poorly edited effects don't kill you in the Irate Gamer show universe, Chris Bores will kill you because he wanted something incredibly hollow and useless (like internet fame). “Don’t they know that white men can’t jump?” remarking on Chris Bores wonderful ability to get his own character killed. Chris then complains that the 30 lives code has been nerfed saying “Do they expect me to beat this game with only 10 lives and 3 continues?”. Chris states that he does not believe he is capable of using his gun by saying “Who the hell do they think I am, Rambo?”, an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator had important advice to give to Chris (see video)thumb|center|335px|Question: "They're everywhere!!!!" Answer: "THEN SHOOT EVERYWHERE!!!"
Because Chris would rather shoot pacifists and other people who aren't evil (as demonstrated by him killing the dog from duckhunt, firing rockets at pedestrians, murdering his 'evil' twin, allowing a cheerleader to die, setting an entire city on fire while refusing to shoot terrorists, kill zombies, kill Giant Evil Ants, or even help his fan Dat Boi Drew because Dat Boi Drew wasn't evil) Chris states that he needs an easy, intelligence requirement free solution to the problem aka Game Genie because playing games is not for gamers. “What I need is a genie, a Game Genie of course!” says Chris Bores as the bulb in his head goes dimmer than usual. “How do you get one? By rubbing a magic lamp!" says Chris demonstrating to no one's surprise that even he isn't above stealing items from overly trite fairy tales. Chris summons the genie using the lamp... no wait... THC and says “For my first wish, I wish for infinite continues!" and the footage of him attaching the game genie to the NES shows him doing it improperly (i.e not even putting the game genie into his system). Chris does this to show the audience that just like with the Ghost and Goblin review, the only good audience member is the one that doesn't think... especially those that don't think about him using an emulator with built-in cheat engine.
“Now I’ll just add the secret code, and get a second player to play!”says Chris as wise sage (still played by the    thumb|right|335px|A recurring theme in the Irate Gamer Show is a lack of direction, most likely caused by THC and Chris's inability to tell when he's Irate Gamer, LadyBuggin777, Batdamn or Chris Bores the individual. This episode is no exception as Chris repeatedly states that Super C is a hard game. In this episode, the audience may actually feel a drill being applied to the rear of their skull. 95% of viewers felt a 'boring' sensation in the Parietal regions of their skull. Did you know that Chris Bores thinks that Super C for the NES is a hard game? Because Super C for the NES is a hard game by Chris Bore's standards. Whir Whir Whir, feeling the 'Bores' sensation yet?actor) comes back and he begins to play the game prope- well as proper as Chris Bores can play a game. Despite Chris already spending an endless amount of time ranting about the difficulty of the game, Chris says “Having a second player is pretty much a requirement if you want to reach the end” because if there is one thing the audience has been told already, its that Super C is a fun game that they should be playing right now. A montage ensues in which Chris fails to use his gun and jumps his character into the enemy. Chris Bores mentions the aliens again and the alien ship from galaga appears and attempts to tractor Beam Bores. But Bores is too heavy for the futuristic tractor beam and Chris then shoots the galaga ship despite the fact that the ship was likely trying to bring him aboard for diplomatic discussion. Considering that Chris has trouble shooting aliens in a videogame who are clearly hostile while Chris was totally capable of instantly killing an alien in real life for no reason other than using its tractor beam its heavily implied the aliens were non-hostile and possibly the last of their kind. Another montage of Chris refusing to use his abilities to fight for the greater good continues to bore into the audience's skulls and quite possibly bore the audience out of their minds.
“I swear there’s more aliens here than the Mos Eisley Spaceport!” says Chris about the amounts of the aliens he refuses to shoot with his gun. “Ah yes, I agree” says the wise sage no doubt lamenting his involvement with the Irate Gamer. Irate Gamer and Wise sage then notice the creature known as Kimkoh in the contra game and debate as to whether or not the hideously deformed creature is disgusting or sexy. While the audience is puking at their form of a beauty contest, Irate Gamer and Wise sage beat the game and Wise sage decided that he has ruined himself via association with Irate Gamer and decided to flee from revelation. “I think I won but the game doesn’t tell me!” says Chris, expecting to have sex with Kimkoh as a reward for beating the game. Chris states that its unfair for the Super C team to get a special thanks as Chris is a manchild. Chris then flips off the game showing that Super C is a horrible game because Irate Gamer didn't get to have sex with kimkoh. It is possible that Chris sees Kimkoh as a very attractive lady due to intoxication.
Chris then begins talking about Contra Force. Chris states that Contra Force must be good because he spent $40 on it despite the fact that he is clearly using an emulator. This also backfires on him as its clear that his show is made on a budget of 0 cents and thus it must suck according to his logic (see double think #24). Chris plays the game and states that it looks nothing like Contra and states that the iconic flying weapon crates are blimps and therefore this isn't a contra game. Chris claims the game must have been repackaged to be a contra game and his inner manchild can be heard saying “That’s exactly what they did” with Chris Bores the bigger manchild saying “WHAT? Cue the music!”. Chris states that the game is actually known as Arc Hound in japan and that “Konami decided to buy the license and release it in the US” even though konami would have to do no such thing as its their own game. Chris Bores wonders about how many kids who obviously weren't playing contra 3 or ignoring the NES for the superior SNES might have bought Contra Force because Chris Bores thinks this is conspiracy that may involve Ghosts and Alex Jones. It's also worth noting that the game Arc hound was cancelled so this really is a contra game. “Let’s just get this review done and over with.” says Chris Bores demonstrating that it only takes 6 minutes for him to offically give up. “but the one thing that really sucks is that if your character loses his last life, the game ends, even if your other characters still have lives left” says Chris Bores on a feature that is in 99% of the games he's played over "a dozen times" and knows all the "ins and outs of". Chris Bores states that AI controlled support is useless and doesn't bother to call Wise sage back for this two player game because Eric Allen is currently fleeing. Chris Bores states that the incredibly easy game is hard and that the length of less than an hour long game is too hard for him and that he must start cheating because that's what gamers do; especially the intoxicated ones. Chris Bores states that some sound effects are similar to Top Gun because that's what the audience wants to know about a game. “But the most baffling thing about this game, has to be the ending.”Chris says, during which the player is told that the person they're looking for is missing (because Fox got killed in a cutscene). Chris attempts to light up a bong but due to previous intoxications accidentally destroys the cartridge of Contra Force. Despite complaining about a sequel hook ending, Chris Bores ends his show on a cliff hanger asking viewers to watch part 2.
==High Detail plot summary (Contra 3) Aka Other Contra Gamer Part 2==
“Contra III was the sequel fans have been waiting for, and what a great move Konami made by calling it number III. That pretty much takes Contra Force out of the pi-chur” says Chris Bores as the review begins. The Contra Force cartridge is shown unharmed possibly a result of Chris's attempt to light a bong being a drug induced hallucination. It should also be noted that Contra Force came after contra 3 so there's no reason why its discontinuity. Since the previous review was roughly 10 minutes, its clear that the drugs may have worn off as Chris waves around the Contra Force cartridge while remarking that the characters in Contra 3 are pissed off because of Contra Force “After a game like Contra Force, who can blame them?”. Chris actually reaches an epiphany about his gaming prowess and sets the game difficulty to easy. “If past Contra games are any indication, this might be a good idea” says Chris Bores demonstrating that he is no longer intoxicated.
Chris begins gameplay proper and states that the player has a machinegun at the start and there are new weapons like the homing missile and flame thrower although he gets the names of the two weapons wrong. Chris states that new laser gun doesn't suck because he isn't using a turbo controller. Unfortunately it appears that Chris found the location of his bong as the next statement is “Now you maybe asking yourself, is this a hard game to play? You bet your ass it is! But hey what do you expect, it‘s a Contra game.”and he states that contra games in the series get harder despite the fact that this is not the case. Chris states that the game is 'hard as fuck', refering to his regret at his inability to court Kimkoh. “Even on the easy setting, there’s more shit flying at you than an exploding porta-potty” demonstrating that Chris Bores does not resort to toilet humor... except when he is on drugs and won't remember it later. Attentive viewers may notice that Chris does not lose lives during this sequence, almost certainly because he is using an emulator. Chris demonstrating that he is mad about not getting to court kimkoh when his intoxicated self states “This game doesn’t even have any codes to help you out” viewers may note that when Chris Bores is intoxicated during the show, Chris Bores will complain about things that aren't even integral to the game, like cheats. “You’re better off using a Game Genie” says Chris Bores, happily deluding himself into believing that other gamers don't play games. Chris continues to delude himself by saying that cheating is good because it helps he see cool new levels. Chris says “You ride on motorcycles, ride on helicopters, and even climb on walls like a regular fucking Spider-Man” showing that spider man is a regular occurance and that getting here on your own skill is not rewarding. “Sometimes this game can get really difficult” shows Chris Bores repeating things again. It should be noted that paranoia is a symptom of THC use and its clear that since Chris Bores repeatedly states that the game is hard, he is demonstrating that he is paranoid of other gamers looking down him. Demonstrating that THC is clearly in play here, Chris Bores calmly states that the person who designed the fifth level of Contra 3 should be shot. Chris then states that the sand whirlpools cause him to become dizzy as they spin his character around and he is unable to use the L and R buttons on the controller because it is a keyboard and the smoke from the bong prevents him from seeing the letters bounded to those functions.
Chris Bores encounters an enemy from the previous games in the franchise and imagines a post card in which the alien is on the postcard with the text 'wish you were here' so that he could give it to AVGN as a sign of how much he wants James Rofle to be killed by aliens. However his intoxication prevents him from making up his mind as Irate Gamer states that this “trip down memory lane is wearing itself thin” despite saying he loved it earlier. Chris states that the final boss is a mix of the first contra's final boss, Super C's final boss and refuses to mention the new third form or tough fourth form on hard mode because that would require effort. Chris beats the game is surprised to find that since he played the game on easy, he is not rewarded with an ending for his cheating and completely untalented playthrough of the game. The game prompts Irate Gamer to play on normal and Chris beats the game on normal at which point the game laughs and tells him to beat it on hard instead. Chris says that he'll whore himself out and happily accept any ending even if it means he get to ripoff another AVGN joke with Chris stating “You just wasted your time playing this game. Now go fuck yourself you gaming asshole.”. Chris finally gets the ending of the game and does not note the change in the final boss because that's what reviewers do.
Chris shows other games in the Contra franchise and says that only Contra 4 is game worthy to be in the Contra Franchise (because getting killed by enemies who came from another screen is cool!). “Well, I’m done reviewing Contra games..” says Chris Bores hoping to avoid the massive mob of people about to kill him for his not at all-baked review. Chris Bores states that he is done with fighting aliens but unfortunately the quality of his review has resulted in an armada being dispatched to kill him. It is unknown if the aliens from Space Invaders managed to defeat Chris but given that they are never mentioned again and Chris and the invaders are both flat uninteresting characters, a truce was probably made.
thumb|center|335px|A large battle between human and alien space forces occured as space invaders could not possibly be 2D in nature but merely the alien shapes are abstract concepts of larger vessels (the shapes of which are not seen by Chris Bores due to THC). Billions were killed in the ensuing space battle and orbital bombardment but Chris sat happily in his house despite being the sole cause of the great Space war of 2008. This is also the reason why Earth authorities are largely incapable of dealing with the harmless shadow overlord and Evil Gamer or even Chris himself..... Hey at least this explanation is better than his 'contra is a story about terrorists'! 
thumb|center|335 px|Alternatively the alien invasion of Earth could have gone like this. The alien army is most likely still occupying Earth and given that the shadow overlord is an overlord; its likely that the alien armada is being lead by the shadow overlord (who is also an alien). However since this show's writing is terrible, this may not be the case.
==Notable Flubs==
Part 1
00:35 - "How would anyone know this is a Contra seekle"
09:56 - "What the hell kind of a halfed-ass ending is this?"
==Trivia==
*Chris Bores decided to plagarize yet another line from AVGN, specifically the line from AVGN's Ghost Buster's review
*Super C is a much easier game than the original Contra game.
==External links==
*Internet Movie Database (part 1)
*Internet Movie Database (part 2)
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==Videos==
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Category:The Irate Gamer season 2 episodes
Category:The Irate Gamer episodes