Ken String's Roasting on an Open Fire

Ken String’s Roasting on an Open Fire is the first episode of Staying with the Stringfellows. It was written by Golfpecks256 and . Vorefellow accidentally kills Santa Claus and becomes him.
== Transcript ==
(The episode begins with the camera panning around Walkerville, with all the families putting their Christmas decorations up. The camera then pans to the door of the Ken House.)
Ken: (opens the door) HAPPY STRINGMAS, EVERYBODY!
(Music cues to Christmas by The Posies, as we see everyone in the Ken House getting ready for Christmas. The camera pans over to a Jon Auer in a rocking chair, reading a story to the audience, which is just FireLiz.)
Jon: Twas the night before Stringmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a Stringmouse. Besides Urghfellow, but he can’t control it.
Stringmouse: Shhh… you’re going to blow my cover! (continues to use his binoculars to stare at the women rats at the Christmas party)
Jon: The stolen Hooters stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Kenta Clingfellow soon would be there… to give the young lads and lasses gonorrhoea.
(The camera cuts back to the Ken House, where Ken Chan and Fartfellow are busy hanging up the ornaments.)
Ken Chan: My, my… This tree is younger than my average partner.
Fartfellow: That does not average out after your fling with the 87 year old.
Ken Chan: What I do with my mother is none of your business.
Fartfellow: Now, where is that rascal Urghfellow? (farts) He is supposed to be helping us find the right victim- I mean ornament, to hang up.
(Cut to the opposite end of the house, Urghfellow is smearing his shit on the bathroom walls. Cut back)
Fartfellow: That’s the result of you and your mother…
(Cuts to baby Dreamfellow in his crib)
Baby Dreamfellow: The world is not ready to handle the love I’m about to reveal to you.
(Camera reveals he’s talking to a teddy bear with Halle Berry’s face taped on it.)
Baby Dreamfellow: YOU CANNOT CONCEAL ANY LON-
Kaitlyn Stringfellow: (walks in) There’s my precious son-nephew! What’re you doing all alone?
Baby Dreamfellow: BLASTED.. Foiled in my pursuit to reveal my love to Halle Bear-ry…
(Suddenly, Furfellow bursts in.)
Furfellow: HALLE BEAR-RY?! OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO TOTES ADORABLE UWU!!!!<3
Baby Dreamfellow: Marks my words… YOU are the first on my hitlist when I become old enough to file restraining orders. And the first on my jerklist…
Furfellow: Wait just a cuddly wuddly second! I have an idea!
(Furfellow whips out a pair of bear ear headbands and places it on Baby Dreamfellow.)
Furfellow: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! YOU WOOK WIKE SUCH A QT! :3
(Cut to Aaron Walker killing himself. Mr. Krabs walks into the room and discreetly drags his corpse outside.)
Baby Dreamfellow: Blasted buffoons…
Furfellow: What? I’m a furry, I’m a bwony, I’m a bweeder. And I’m pwoud of it! FUWWY PWIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The camera cuts to Dreamfellow monitoring the defence system.)
Dreamfellow: Mother always told me that Christmas was the greatest time of year to find vulnerable men. Of course, this was before her seven week journey with Ken Chan. (opens the door) Vorefellow, are you here?
Vorefellow: Quite promiscuous, I do say. Why must I be locked in the cage?
Dreamfellow: The public doesn’t need to know, Vorefellow. It’s cheaper for a fat ass to be our defence system then calling a company.
(The doorbell rings in the tune of Reveal Love)
Dreamfellow: I must get the door. Stand on your own or say goodbye, Vorefellow.
(Dreamfellow opens the door to reveal an almost fully naked Ken Stringfellow in his underwear.)
Ken: I have retrieved the Christmas turkey. The little rascal took me 45 minutes.
Dreamfellow: What happened to your clothes?
Ken: Ask the turkey.
Christmas turkey: OH NO BRO
Ken: Let’s just say, he was Touched..
Christmas turkey: There’s soooooo much pain. Pain beside us, pain behindside us, pain through us.
Ken: Pain inside you, even.
Christmas turkey: Augh, I’m so full.
Vorefellow: Now you know how I feel all the time.
(A white substance leaks from the turkey. Even Vorefellow looks on in disgust.)
Vorefellow: Back to the cage I go.
(Vorefellow waddles away, whimpering)
(Cut to the kitchen, Ken is trying to wrestle the cum-filled but very much alive turkey to the ground. He succeeds and kills it.)
Ken: Watching the light drain from its eyes really is a highlight of Stringmas… Ah.
(Furfellow walks in and screams MySpaceily)
Furfellow: I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING TOFURKEY!!!!! </3
Ken: I cannot call you Sister Carrie. You are being way too furry, brony and breeder. Don’t make me revoke your special closet time with me.
Furfellow: Jeez, sowwy Kenny… </3 I can’t bewieve you would kiwl a turkey…
Ken: Begone, you blabbering baboon.
(Furfellow leaves the room, and Urrghfellow walks in.)
Ken: Hello, reta- I mean, Urrghfellow. What can I assist you in?
Urrghfellow: POOPY IN MY BUTTHOLE!
Ken: A Stringmas tradition. (Ken rings a bell) Oh, Fellows, time to play “What’s Up Urrghfellow’s Ass”!
Dreamfellow: This game got me actin’ up, Ken…
Ken: Come on, we’re all relatives here.
Ken Chan: Doesn’t matter if your bitch is related, you can still have a good time.
Ken: I get first dibs.
(Ken gets some gloves out of his jean pocket, and puts them on. He shoves both his hands right up there.)
Urghfellow: Augh…..
Ken: hmm…
Urghfellow: Push harder!
(Ken pushes his hands even more in)
Ken: Very interesting consistency…
(Ken pulls out his hands, revealing…)
Ken: I got a Life in Bikini Bottom dildo!
All: HOORAY!!!!!!
(Ken shoves the dildo up his ass and then smells it.)
Ken: Mm, smells fresh. I even got some of my chunks from when I let it crust last time.
Urghfellow: A..
(Furfellow walks back in)
Furfellow: I’m not even doing the furry speak anymore, you people are disgusting. I saw the whole thing.
(The oven timer goes off)
Ken: Would you look at that! The pie is ready!
(Ken rushes over to the oven and takes the pie out)
Ken: Who wants pie?
(Ken walks another step but then he trips and falls face first on the pie)
Dreamfellow: Dammit Ken! This is the 5th year in a row you've ruined the Stringmas pie!
Urghfellow: Such a classic Ken Stringfellow moment!
Ken: I’m sorry… I just wanted to eat it so badly. I can’t do anything right…
Dreamfellow: Ken… Ken… You had a pie dream.
(The clock strikes 11:00. A Ken cuckoo bird comes out of the clock, chirping to the tune of "Reveal Love".)
Ken: Fellows, it is time to go to bed. We must wait until Kenta Clingfellow arrives..
(Vorefellow is sleeping in his cage when he hears trampling on the roof.)
Vorefellow: Oh dear, Urrghfellow must have escaped his locked room. I must go investigate.
(Cuts to Vorefellow stepping over all the Stringfellows and climbing a ladder that barely supports his weight.)
Vorefellow: What’s this? (looks near the chimney) A sleigh with Michael Stipes pulling it? This means one thing…
Kenta Clingfellow: Ho ho ho!! I hate women. Merry Stringmas, motherfuckers!
Vorefellow: Oh no… Ken, Stringfellow got out of the sanitarium. (rubs his stomach) Time for another tasty meal… (licks his lips)
Kenta Clingfellow: Ho ho FUCK THAT SHIT. NO PRESENTS FOR YOU. Oh no! I'm losing control! 
(He falls off of his sleigh and falls into Vorefellow's mouth. His already enormous belly begins to expand further.)
Vorefellow: Scrum-diddly-umptious. Tastes like Chinese sweatshop labour.
(Vorefellow overhears a radio)
Vinnie Dombrowski: Clingfellow? Earth to Clingfellow? Clingfellow? I think he’s dead, everyone.
Vorefellow: Oh no.. That was the real Clingfellow. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
(He burps out Clingfellow’s signature red polo shirt.)
Vorefellow: I can’t believe he’s gone… It feels like it was yesterday when I was on his lap in the mall.
(Vorefellow has a flashback to him as a child sitting on Kenta Clingfellow’s lap in a busy shopping mall)
Young Vorefellow: Kenta, why does my dad hit me so much?
(Immediate cut back to present Vorefellow)
Vorefellow: (grasping Clingfellow’s shirt) I must do what’s right.. I have to be Clingfellow.
(Cuts to a montage of Vorefellow growing his hair out, putting on Clingfellow’s size XS shirt, and dying his hair pink.)
Vorefellow: Perfect. Where are we off to now, Rudolph Michael Stipe?
Rudolph Michael Stipe: Everybody hurts… Sometimes, people cry…
Vorefellow: I don't fucking care! Everybody hurts these fat nuts, Mr. Stipe! Where do we go first?!
Rudolph Michael Stipe: we're going to Greg Bonnen's house. He has 35 kids.
Vorefellow: Wow, this guys had a LOT of sex!
Rudolph Michael Stipe: And a lot of affairs.
Vorefellow: Oh, why do you have to ruin the mood like that?
Rudolph Michael Stipe: Because I am Michael Stipe as a reindeer, you jackass.
Vorefellow: Okay well let's go to Greg Bonnen's house!
(Vorefellow tries to lift off but the Stipes can barely pull him)
Vorefellow: Man, I need to lose weight.
(Cut to the sleigh flying through the town; cut to Greg Bonnen's house; Vorefellow crashes through his window)
Vorefellow: I need to empty my sack across this tree.
(He unzips his pants, and pulls out a sack full of presents.)
Vorefellow: What parts of this episode made you think I was going to ejaculate on a Stringmas tree?
(A laugh track plays for an obnoxiously long time.)
Vorefellow: Now the family I’m sure will love these presents… but I don’t know.
(Vorefellow takes a long hard look at the presents as his stomach rumbles.)
Vorefellow: I’m sure little Jimmy would love his toy truck… but it would be even more well loved in my Tummy-Wummy!!
(Little Jimmy comes downstairs after hearing the commotion; Vorefellow turns around and swallows him whole on instinct.)
Vorefellow: Oh shit.
Little Jimmy: This isn’t what I asked for. I asked for lower insulin costs.
Vorefellow: How are you still talking? You’re flowing around in my intestines right now.
Little Jimmy: When you think about it, aren’t we all flowing around in the intestines of society for real for real?
(Vorefellow vomits Jimmy back up.)
Vorefellow: I don’t like you.
(Greg Bonnen comes down stairs.)
Greg: Who’s there?
Vorefellow: Shit, I have to make my escape. (Vorefellow tries to escape through the window, but he gets stuck in his abdomen region.)
Greg Bonnen: Hey! Get out of my house you creep!
Vorefellow: OH SHIT!
(Greg Bonnen grabs a boot and kicks Vorefellow out; Vorefellow flies into another house; the Michael Stipes enter the other house)
Vorefellow: Well, that's one down… how many more to go?
Rudolph Michael Stipe: (reading from a list) 35 million.
(Vorefellow takes a moment to contemplate.)
Vorefellow: Well fuck.
(Vorefellow throws a couple presents in the house and leaves)
Vorefellow: Alright where do we go next-
(Vorefellow walks off a cliff)
Rudolph Michael Stipe: Y’all wanna go to Church?
(The Michael Stipes all growl affirmatively and start flying off into the distance. Except Prancer Michael Stipe. He’s Muslim, and goes the opposite direction.)
S`	Jon: 'Twas the night of Stringmas, and barely any children received their gifts. I let my son watch this episode and he died. Now I have no son. Thanks, Ken.
Ken: My pleasure, dear.
Jon: Wait, how did you get into my house?
(The episode ends with a still image of Ken breaking into Jon’s house and spreading his claw-like fingers all over Jon, as a festive rendition of “Here’s to the Future” plays.)
(Post Credits)
(Ken walks up to the mailbox and is immediately almost drowned by OFCOM complaints)
Ken: Guys, I think we need to tone down the sex jokes.
Dreamfellow: okay.
SpongeBob: Hello, I am SpongeBob. I am here by law.
(Urghfellow screams)
Category:Christmas Specials
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Category:Episodes written by Golfpecks256
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