Ted 2 (TV Version)/Transcript

==Transcript==
===TV-MA Version===
*Ted: Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
*Tami-Lynn: I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your f***ing steak. What do you think I'm doing?
*Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
*Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
*Ted: You wear a smock. You're a cashier.
*Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
*Ted: Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer!
*Tami-Lynn: No, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should f***ing talk!
*Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
*Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to freaking say anything!
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
*Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your!
*Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?
*Ted: What am I actin' like, Tami?
*Tami-Lynn: You're acting like a f***in' asshole!
*Ted: What am I actin' like?
*Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like.
*Ted: You don't get to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
*Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?
*Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
*Tami-Lynn:I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
*Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
*Tami-Lynn: He treated me good. And... (Gasps) He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
*Ted: Oh, God, news flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.
*Tami-Lynn: What the hell did you just call me? What did you f***ing say?
*Ted: I said Boston... What the f***?
*Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a whore?
*Ted: You wanna throw shit?
*Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna f***ing throw shit!
*Ted: I'll throw shit! There, see? How do you like that?
*Tami-Lynn: Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really f***ing scared of you, you little f***ing bear!
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the f*** up!
*Ted: For Christ's sake! Hey, you shut the f*** up!
*Boston Neighbor: Why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
*Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
*Boston Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your f***in' ass!
*Ted: Yeah, I want you to try, asshole, Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
*Portuguese Neighbor: (Gibberish)
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the f*** up you stupid b**ch!
*Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!
*Boston Neighbor: Run the f*** back to Russia, you whore!
*Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying to sleep!
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the f*** up! Hey, I’m really sorry.
*Ted: Yeah, me too.
*Boston Neighbor: She’s worse than us.
*Ted: Yeah, she’s our enemy now.
*Samantha Jackson: He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. We should just wait by the car.
*John Bennett: What do you mean? We have to find him. He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes. Hello?
*Ted: Johnny. Johnny, it's me. You got to help me.
*John Bennett: Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.
*Ted: I'm at Comic Con. But, John, it's Donny. He's here. He's after me. You got to get over here.
*John Bennett: What the hell? Did you just say Donny?
*Samantha Jackson: John, what's going on?
*John Bennett: You see him anywhere?
*Samantha Jackson: No. Let's try in there. Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here?
*Comic-Con Fan: Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
*Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
*John Bennett: No!
*Samantha Jackson: Who's Superman?
*John Bennett: What?
*Samantha Jackson: I'm just kidding. I'm messing with you. Come on.
*Guy: Thirsty, Urkel? I just love this place.
*John Bennett: Oh, shit.
*Sam Jones: You messed up my car. What the hell is wrong with you?
*John Bennett: Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.
*Sam Jones: But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.
*John Bennett: Hey, f*** your Chrysler!
*Ted: Aw, Johnny. You were my thunder buddy. You were my thunder buddy for life. And you gave up your own life to save mine. The only problem is, I don't know how my life works without you. Good-bye, John.
*John Bennett: I got you!
*Ted: Holy shit, he's a zombie! He's a f***ing zombie!
*John Bennett: I totally f***ing got you!
*Ted: Holy shit!
*John Bennett: Oh, you should have seen your freaking face!
*Ted: You son of a bitch!
*John Bennett: That was freaking classic!
*Ted: Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think... that I was brain dead!
*John Bennett: You made me think you were brain dead!
*Ted: Oh, well done! Well done, man! High five! High five.
*Samantha Jackson: What the f*** is going on?
*Ted: What's going on, is this guy just won the bull shit comedy blue ribbon! You are the greatest, man. Holy shit! Wait, wait. How was the doctor in on it?
*John Bennett: Oh, they got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. I talked him into going along with the bit. Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks.
*NYC Doctor: No problem. We're a fun hospital.
*Samantha Jackson: You asshole! You think this shit is funny? I put a frowny face on Facebook. How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?
*John Bennett: You could change your relationship status from "single" to "it's complicated."
*John Bennett: You know why? Because he's a person. And no matter how many of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down... you're not gonna change that... Not in our eyes. Ted is real. So you can go f*** yourself.
*Patrick Meighan: I will. And as soon as I'm done screwing myself, I'd like to take your case, Ted.
===TV-14 Version===
*Ted: Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
*Tami-Lynn: I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your freaking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
*Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
*Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
*Ted: You wear a smock. You're a cashier.
*Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
*Ted: Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer!
*Tami-Lynn: No, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should freaking talk!
*Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
*Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to freaking say anything!
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
*Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
*Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
*Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your!
*Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshat, all right?
*Ted: What am I actin' like, Tami?
*Tami-Lynn: You're acting like a freakin' asshat!
*Ted: What am I actin' like?
*Tami-Lynn: Like an asshat! That's what you're acting like.
*Ted: You don't get to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
*Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay?
*Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
*Tami-Lynn:I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
*Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture tha!
*Tami-Lynn: He treated me good. And... (Gasps) He had a tool! He had an awesome tool!
*Ted: Oh, God, news flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.
*Tami-Lynn: What the hell did you just call me? What did you freaking say?
*Ted: I said Boston... What the?
*Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a whore?
*Ted: You wanna throw?
*Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna freaking throw stuff!
*Ted: I'll throw! There, see? How do you like that?
*Tami-Lynn: Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really freaking scared of you, you little freaking bear!
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the hell up!
*Ted: For Christ's sake! Hey, you shut up!
*Boston Neighbor: Why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
*Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?
*Boston Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your freakin' ass!
*Ted: Yeah, i want you to try, get your ass up here and kick my ass!
*Portuguese Neighbor: (Gibberish)
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the hell up you stupid idiot!
*Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!
*Boston Neighbor: Run the freak back to russia, you whore!
*Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying to sleep!
*Boston Neighbor: Shut the hell up! Hey, I'm really sorry.
*Ted: Yeah, me too.
*Boston Neighbor: She's worse than us.
*Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.
*Samantha Jackson: He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. We should just wait by the car.
*John Bennett: What do you mean? We have to find him. He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes. Hello?
*Ted: Johnny. Johnny, it's me. You got to help me.
*John Bennett: Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.
*Ted: I'm at Comic Con. But, John, it's Donny. He's here. He's after me. You got to get over here.
*John Bennett: What the hell? Did you just say Donny?
*Samantha Jackson: John, what's going on?
*John Bennett: You see him anywhere?
*Samantha Jackson: No. Let's try in there. Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here?
*Comic-Con Fan: Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
*Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
*John Bennett: No!
*Samantha Jackson: Who's Superman?
*John Bennett: What?
*Samantha Jackson: I'm just kidding. I'm messing with you. Come on.
*Guy: Thirsty, Urkel? I just love this place.
*John Bennett: Oh, crap.
*Sam Jones: You messed up my car. What the hell is wrong with you?
*John Bennett: Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.
*Sam Jones: But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.
*John Bennett: Hey, screw your Chrysler!
*Ted: Aw, Johnny. You were my thunder buddy. You were my thunder buddy for life. And you gave up your own life to save mine. The only problem is, I don't know how my life works without you. Good-bye, John.
*John Bennett: I got you!
*Ted: Holy shit, he's a zombie! He's a zombie!
*John Bennett: I totally freaking got you!
*Ted: Holy!
*John Bennett: Oh, you should have seen your freaking face!
*Ted: You son of a bitch!
*John Bennett: That was freaking classic!
*Ted: Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think... that I was brain dead!
*John Bennett: You made me think you were brain dead!
*Ted: Oh, well done! Well done, man! High five! High five.
*Samantha Jackson: What the hell is going on?
*Ted: What's going on, is this guy just won the bull comedy blue ribbon! You are the greatest, man. Holy! Wait, wait. How was the doctor in on it?
*John Bennett: Oh, they got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. I talked him into going along with the bit. Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks.
*NYC Doctor: No problem. We're a fun hospital.
*Samantha Jackson: You asshole! You think this shit is funny? I put a frowny face on Facebook. How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?
*John Bennett: You could change your relationship status from "single" to "it's complicated."
*John Bennett: You know why? Because he's a person. And no matter how many of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down... you're not gonna change that... Not in our eyes. Ted is real. So you can go screw yourself.
*Patrick Meighan: I will. And as soon as I'm done screwing myself, I'd like to take your case, Ted.
Category:FX