Episode 211: Dom DeLuise/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 211: Dom DeLuise.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise! Oh! Eighteen seconds to curtain, Mr. DeLuise.
 	Dom's head is on a platter. The Swedish Chef puts an apple in Dom's mouth.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Dom 	(muffled)
==Theme==
Kermit 	Hey, it's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Dom Deluise!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Why do we keep doing this?
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet blows orange smoke.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight should be great because our special guest star is one of the really funny men, Mr. Dom DeLuise! (applause) But first, we're going to open the show with our own lady of song, Miss Piggy, because, if we don't, she'll break both my arms. So here she is now, Miss Piggy!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Piggy holding a birdcage.
Miss Piggy 	
We had to move away,
 'Cause the rent we couldn't pay.
The moving van came round just after dark.
Waldorf 	It's a great old song.
Miss Piggy 	
There was me and my old man,
Shoving things inside the van,
Which we'd often done before, let me remark.
We packed all that could be packed
In the van, and that's a fact.
And we got inside all we could get inside.
Waldorf 	(giggles)
Miss Piggy 	
Then we packed all we could pack
On the tailboard at the back,
Till there wasn't any room for me to ride.
Piggy, Statler & Waldorf	
My old man said, "Follow the van,
Don't dilly-dally on the way."
Off went the cart with the home packed in it.
I walked behind with my old cock linnet.
But I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied;
Lost the van and don't know where to roam.
Miss Piggy 	
And you can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers
When you can't find your way home.
All right, everybody, now's your chance. Join in the second chorus, I'm only singing one!
Statler 	Promises, promises!
Statler & Waldorf 	(chuckling)
 	All the audience joins in.
All 	
My old man said, "Follow the van,
Don't dilly-dally on the way."
Off went the cart with the home packed in it.
I walked behind with my old cock linnet.
But I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied;
Lost the van and don't know where to roam.
You can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers
When you can't find your way…
Miss Piggy 	Who's going my way?
All 	Can't find your way home!
 	The audience cheers wildly.
Audience 	(Miss Piggy! Bravo! Bravo!)
==Backstage==
 	
Scooter 	Boy, they really love her, don't they?
Kermit 	Yeah. Must be an easy house. (walks away)
Miss Piggy	Oh, no, please. Oh, you're too kind. Kissy, kissy.
Scooter 	Forget it. Kermit's gone.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Did it work?
Scooter 	Nope. But how about that audience I paid off for you, huh? They did just what I told them to.
Miss Piggy	What did you tell them?
Scooter 	To go hog wild.
Miss Piggy	Scooter. I am paying you to give me help, not cheap jokes.
 	The feathers in her hat get in his face. He coughs.
Scooter 	Well, I already ordered the flowers.
Miss Piggy	Wonderful. Scooter, oh, Scooter, my dear impressionable young lad. You must understand that I am only doing this in order for the frog to notice me more. (sigh)
Scooter 	Sure, sure, and if you happen to get your own spot on the show, well, that wouldn't hurt.
 	
Miss Piggy	Your life's hanging on a thread, kid.
Scooter 	Yes, ma'am. I'll go write some more spontaneous sincere fan mail for you. (exits)
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. You know the words: Gorgeous, beautiful... modest.
==Planet Koozebane==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	OK, tonight's guest star is Dom DeLuise, and we all know how terrific he is. As a performer he is out of this world. As a matter of fact, right now he is on the planet Koozebane. Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!
 	
 	Open on the planet Koozebane. Pan across craters. As a space rhythm plays, Merdlidops pop out of craters and toot steam out their tops. One of them sees astronaut Dom, who talks into a walkie-talkie.
Dom 	53977221. To the mothership, it's me. Ah! Can you see me? (waves) Here I am. Yes. The one that's waving. That's nice. Yes. It is so gorgeous up here. Pluto... Saturn, I mean, it is gorgeous. Hold it. Hold it. I see some Kooze-quartz. Hold on. Oh, Jane, keep that soup warm for me, sweetheart.
 	He takes a hammer and chips a rock from the surface.
Dom 	Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty. Oh. Oh! Oh! I think I found a beauty … oh no no no, it's an immi. ("imitation" —ed.) Never mind.
 	He tosses the rock into a crater, which suddenly toots steam, startling him. He kneels down to investigate.
Dom 	Holy Toledo! Something's afoot! Oh! Holy mac...
 	A Merdlidop grabs his hammer and plays a reverse Whack-a-mole game with him.
Dom 	Wait a minute! Hey, that's my hammer! Hey! Ooh, sheesh!
 	
 	The Merdlidop grabs the walkie-talkie and starts communicating with the others, who also have walkie-talkies.
Merdlidops	Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop.
Dom 	(to mission control) Hey. That's not me. (waves)
 	Dom kneels down, taps one of them on the shoulder, and grabs the walkie-talkie out of its hand and sets it down.
Dom 	(laughing) I got you, you devil you. I fooled you, didn't I?
 	Another Merdlidop smashes the walkie-talkie with a hammer.
Dom 	Don't! That's a new one. You... Oh! (tries to talk into it) Hello, mother ship. Hello? Ooh. (feigns announcement) I think I'll go back to the mother ship now.
 	Dom sneaks away until he detects the Merdlidops popping up and tooting steam. Dom finally catches one and wrestles with it…
Dom 	Ah! I got ya! Gimme! Come on! Gimme! Wait a minute. Hold it. Ooh!
 	The Merdlidop pulls Dom's arm down into the crater and pulls it out of another crater.
Dom 	My — OOH! My watch!
Merdlidop 	Quarter after six.
 	
 	Dom pulls his arm out, and finds it limp. All the Merdlidops peer out of their craters and giggle. They duck when he tries to catch them. Finally, he falls down the crater, and becomes one of them.
 	
Dom 	Merdlidop!
Merdlidops	(laughing)
 	Applause.
Statler 	Do you suppose they have any life on other planets?
Waldorf 	What do you care? You don't have any life on this one. (chuckles)
==Animal's drum solo==
	
	Animal performs a drum solo. A few seconds after Animal is through, a final note is heard that confuses him.
==Dressing room==
 	Piggy peers in.
Miss Piggy	Excuse me.
Dom 	Yeah?
Miss Piggy	May I use your dressing room to change in?
Dom 	What?
Miss Piggy	Well, you see, my room is all filled with flowers. You understand, don't you, my dear Dominique?
 	
Dom 	Don't "My dear Dominique" me.
Miss Piggy	Oh, what's wrong?
Dom 	I mean, I'm the guest star on this show. Nobody seems to notice. The audience is filled with pig fans.
 	Piggy goes behind the dressing board, groans, and tosses a girdle.
Miss Piggy	Oh, what a relief.
Dom 	Besides … (wipes hands) … they gave me this tiny little dressing room because they said the big dressing room was filled with fan mail.
 	There's a knock on the door.
Miss Piggy	Would you get the door, Dominique?
Dom 	Would I get the door? I mean, I really do not believe this. (he answers it) Yes?
 	A Whatnot appears at the door with flowers.
Whatnot 	Are you Miss Piggy?
Dom 	(throws a fit, plus the roses) NO, I'M NOT MISS PIGGY!!
 	He slams the door in disgust.
Miss Piggy	Are those my roses?
Dom 	Yes. They were your roses. (fakes a laugh) Someone sent roses to a P-I-G.
Miss Piggy	That amuses you?
Dom 	Ha ha ha! Yes. (sings) The days of swine and roses… (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Knock it off, chubbo.
 	She emerges dressed for Vet's Hospital.
Dom 	Chubbo?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm.
Dom 	Look who's talking.
Miss Piggy	Are you saying that I am a little overweight?
Dom 	Little? Did I say little? No. I didn't say little.
Miss Piggy	(growls) You're jealous because I got all these flowers, and all you have is that little teensy basket of fruit.
Dom 	Actually, the little, teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you!
Miss Piggy	Ha! And why is that?
Dom 	I'll tell you why... (chuckles) Because... (he shoves an apple in her mouth) … it looks more natural.
 	
Miss Piggy	(muffled)
Dom 	Pardon?
Scooter 	Excuse me, Miss Piggy, hospital sketch coming up.
Miss Piggy	Good. Here's your first patient. Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops Dom three times, barks at him, and exits, leaving him shaken.
Dom 	Just a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Are you...? She's out of her mind! I've never seen anybody so crazy!
 	He eats a banana.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	The theme music plays. A cow lies on the operating table.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Audience 	We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
 	
 	They cheer when she emerges.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Bob... Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	What?
Miss Piggy	Where did we get this patient from?
Rowlf 	Oh, well, she was found with a bunch of cows.
Miss Piggy	Not bunch, herd.
Rowlf 	Heard of what?
Miss Piggy	Herd of cows.
Rowlf 	Sure, I've heard of cows.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Miss Piggy	No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd.
Rowlf 	I don't care if the cow's heard. I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Janice 	But Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf 	No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Cow 	Oh, look. I have a steak in this too, you know.
 	They all laugh, including the cow. They look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer 	And so, Dr. Bob has taken the bull by the horns. Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	This has really been a moooving experience.
 	The audience applauds and throws flowers on the stage.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you, thank you. Mwah! Mwah! Bless you. Kiss kiss kiss! Oh, thank you, thank you…
==UK spot==
	
	Slim Wilson and Lou sing "Henrietta's Wedding".
=="Don't Blame the Dynamite"==
 	Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem play a funky tune.
 	
Dr. Teeth	
If you ain't been dancin' lately,
Don't blame your shoes.
And if you ain't been happy lately,
Don't put it on the blues.
Don't blame the dynamite,
If you can't light the fuse.
There's a party all the time for them what choose.
Janice 	
The end of my romancing came with football on TV, rully.
Like, he ain't took me anywhere since 1963!
Floyd 	
Her hair is in the closet.
Her teeth are on the shelf.
I can put the good parts in a bag and go out by myself! Mm!
 	Solo.
Dr. Teeth	
If you ain't been dancin' lately,
Don't blame your shoes.
And if you ain't been happy lately,
Don't put it on the blues.
Don't blame the dynamite,
If you can't light the fuse.
There's a party all the time for them what choose!
Mayhem 	Party! All right!
 	Applause. Waldorf taps his hand on the banister.
Statler 	Don't tell me you liked that trash.
Waldorf 	No, my hand went to sleep. (taps it some more)
Statler 	Oh. (nods)
==Backstage==
 	Piggy and Scooter watch from upstairs as the Mayhem passes by Kermit.
Miss Piggy	Oh, here... here he comes.
Floyd 	… and the tuba player says, "Never mind about that. Just be natural and bar a lemon!"
 	They laugh.
Miss Piggy	OK, OK, OK.
 	
Scooter 	(acting) Gee, Miss Piggy, what are you going to do?
Miss Piggy	Well, I just don't know, Scooter. My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit. But this other show has offered me a contract at twice the money.
 	Kermit looks up at them.
Scooter 	Well, you are a superstar.
Miss Piggy	Oh! No, I'm not!
Scooter 	Uh …
Miss Piggy	(through teeth) "Yes, you are."
Scooter 	Oh yes! Ahem… Yes, you are!
Miss Piggy	Well, I shall just have to … think about it.
 	She shuts herself in her dressing room.
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter, that performance by you and Miss Piggy was terrible.
Scooter 	well — gee, I didn't think it was that bad. I missed one line but... Oh, no.
Kermit 	Scooter, are you gonna tell me what's going on?
Scooter 	No, I promised.
Kermit 	Uh, I'll give you a raise.
Scooter 	The flowers are fake, the audience was paid off, I wrote the fan letters and Miss Piggy doesn't have another offer.
 	
Kermit 	Scooter, I like your style. (pats him on the back)
==Animal Protection==
 	Open on Dom in a lab. Behind him is a cage with a brown monster (Mean Mama) in it. Dom addresses the viewer.
Dom 	Ah, hello, hello and welcome. As you know, Shepherd's Institute of Animal Protection has spent the last 25 years protecting helpless, innocent animals just like the ones that you see right here. And now, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive... It's time for that drive again.
 	He gets up and walks to the cage. Doglion roams around, chained to the wall.
Dom 	This lovely creature has to be fed occasionally. Otherwise he gets very, very...
 	He starts feeding fruit.
Dom 	There you go. Have a nice little snack, boy. All better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute has only reached its halfway mark in this year's fundraising effort. One moment, please.
 	He goes over to a carriage, with a "baby" monster (Luncheon Counter Monster) in it.
Baby Monster	Mama!
 	
Dom 	This sweetheart right here has to be played with occasionally, otherwise he gets very irritable.
 	He babbles, and tugs on baby's bonnet.
Dom 	You sweetheart you. Good morning. A little milky, a little milky. Milky! It's good!
 	Baby consumes the entire bottle.
Dom 	Good. OK. As you can see, we care for all their needs. If an animal has a need, we fill it.
 	Doglion roars out loud.
Dom 	This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally, otherwise he gets irritable.
 	He grabs a ukulele and sings a few bars of "Ain't She Sweet".
Dom 	Very nice, very nice. All right. The point is, if you send in your donations, you'll be very happy.
 	Mean Mama grows restless. Dom quickly chucks the rest of the fruit into the cage. The baby monster grows restless as well.
Dom 	If you send in your donations, you'll be happy... Here you go.
 	He rushes over, babbles, then returns to Doglion and sings again.
Dom 	The point is, that if you do so, these are all tax deductible...
 	He scoops some monster food out of a bag and feeds it to Mean Mama while Doglion manhandles him.
Doglion 	Ain't she sweet!
Dom 	No! Wait! I'm ticklish! Ain't she sweet— All right, here you go, here you go. That's a beauty. You see the point is, we love them with all our hearts. We do. Just a moment now. Open wide!
 	He tosses a shovelful of monster food to Mean Mama, then babbles to the baby, then notices that Doglion is smashing the ukulele.
Dom 	Wait a minute! Ooh! Holy mackerel! Just... (tries to play) Ain't she sweet — Oh! There's nothing left to eat. Here. Have this.
 	He feeds the violin to Mean Mama, and gets pricked by a tooth. All the monsters grow restless and start trashing the lab as he addresses the viewer.
Dom 	By the way, all of these creatures are up for adoption. If you have a spare room in your house, give us a break. Ooh! For instance, if you adopt this guy right here, you will never know the meaning of the word garbage. Think about it. Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.
 	Mean Mama grabs his coat, pulling him closer, then breaks the cage and runs loose.
Dom 	Ain't she sweet, see her walking down the — Oh! Wait a minute! Oh, please! Whoa! My goodness! Please, help! I mean, really, help! Help!
 	
 	The monsters attack him. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy approaches Kermit as he reads a book.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? Kermie, uh, you wanted to see me?
Kermit 	Oh, uh, yes, Miss Piggy. You know, I couldn't help but overhear that conversation between you and Scooter about that offer you got from the other show.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I didn't want you to hear that. Oh, that terrible boy!
Kermit 	Yeah, well, actually, I'm kinda glad that I did. Because I have come to a decision that I think will make you very happy.
Miss Piggy	(preens her hair) Oh?
Kermit 	I've decided to let you go.
Miss Piggy	(outraged) You've WHAT??
Kermit 	You see, Piggy, I don't want to stand in your way.
Miss Piggy	But... but, Kermie...
Kermit 	Good luck, kid.
 	He goes back to reading.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh. Well, then I … suppose this is goodbye.
Kermit 	Oh, yes. Goodbye, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Well uh … I'll just go clean out my dressing room, then.
Kermit 	Oh, that would be very nice. Thank you.
 	It dawns on her that he's serious.
Miss Piggy	You'll... You'll explain to everyone what happened, Kermie?
Kermit 	Oh, sure. (to viewer) What a ham.
 	She breaks down and rushes to him, in tears.
Miss Piggy	Kermie!! I can't leave you!! I can't leave you. I tried. (weeps)
Kermit 	Well, uh, does this mean you want your job back?
Miss Piggy	Yes…
Kermit 	Oh, good. Uh, uh, incidentally, though... you will have to take... you will have to take a pay cut.
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Well, sure, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers and the furs, and the mail and stuff, then I think you can... (runs away)
Miss Piggy	You knew all the time! (lets out a scream)
=="We Got Us"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK, how come is it, do you suppose, that the world doesn't know that Dom DeLuise is a singer as well as a comedian? Well, let us let the world find out. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Dom DeLuise!
 	The curtain opens.
Dom 	Thank you. Thank you. But may I stop for one second? I'll tell you the truth. Piggy's backstage, and she's very upset. In fact she's miserable, I'd like to bring her out for just... Piggy, Piggy, come over here now.
 	She enters. The audience applauds.
Miss Piggy 	Cool it, cool it! He knew.
Dom 	Piggy, you're upset. Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit today, right?
Miss Piggy 	Dom, Dom, Dom.
Dom 	Piggy. Piggy, Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Because a woman sometimes feels so alone.
 	
Dom 	Alone? Piggy, you're not alone. Look at me a minute. You're here! I'm here! Us is here.
Miss Piggy 	Us is here?
Dom 	I mean, we got us.
 	Cue the music.
Dom 	Don't you understand? Oh, I know.
Life is a funny thing!
Sometimes you laugh and sing.
Sometimes you grumble and cuss. Right?
 	The tempo picks up.
Dom 	
But either way, what do we care?
We got us!
We have our ups and downs,
Our share of smiles and frowns,
But through it all we don't fuss — why?
We got a special thing goin', Piggy! Ha ha!
We got us!
Miss Piggy 	
Some people like to go through their life single — aww.
That wouldn't suit us at all.
Dom 	That's right!
Why sing a melody as a soliloquy,
When it's more fun to be —
Dom & Muppets	harmonizing?
 	They are joined by Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Janice and the Whatnot.
Dom 	Look! It's your friends! Ha ha!
 	
All 	
People may say we are, crazy the way we are —
That we won't even discuss!
 'Cause what we got they can't smother!
We'd trade our life for no other!
They've only got one another,
But we … got … u-u-u-u-us!
 	Applause. Dom gives Piggy a kiss.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	OK, well, that's it for another show. Let's have a big thank you for our guest star, Mr. Dom DeLuise!
 	Applause. He comes out.
Kermit 	Oh yes, and thank you all for being with us, especially those of you who weren't paid off by the pig.
Dom 	Oh! Hold it —
 	
Miss Piggy	Stand back, Dom. This is gonna be fractured frog time.
Dom 	(holds her back) Don't! You'll regret it! Don't do it!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The credits roll as the scene ends in chaos.
Statler 	I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	Me.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts