Episode 106: Jim Nabors/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 106: Jim Nabors.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors!
 	The theme plays.
 	Partway through theme, curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	My cousin is so thin, he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole!
 	
 	He hangs his hat on his nose as the curtain closes.
 	Kermit sings introduction to... Mr. Jim Nabors!
 	Muppets gather around Jim.
 	
 	After theme concludes, the O is completely empty, so Gonzo hits himself in the head instead.
==Opening Number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! All right! Here we are once again with another great show for you, with our special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. And all of this — all of this is coming to you, by the way, from the Benny Vandergast Memorial Theater. Uh, we on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny. Including three months back rent. So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr. Teeth with "Money." Yeahhhh!
 	
 	Dr. Teeth plays "Money" for the opening number. As the song reaches its climax, Dr. Teeth pulls a lever on the side of his piano, and it acts as a lotto machine, pouring out bills and coins.
Statler	They don't write the old songs anymore.
Waldorf	Nope. They only write new ones.
Statler	Yeah. Wha?
==Backstage==
 	Hilda follows Dr. Teeth past Kermit, carrying the prop money.
Hilda 	Oh, Dr. Teeth, you are one hip dude.
Kermit 	Nice number, nice number. Don't lose any of that money though.
Hilda 	Oh, I won't. I won't.
 	Enter Scooter.
Scooter	Hi! Are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah.
Scooter	Uh, I'm Scooter.
 	
Kermit 	(to viewer) Cute. Cute name.
Scooter	I'm your new gofer.
Kermit 	Gopher? Uh, no, no. We have frogs, pigs and chickens around here, but we've never had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher.
Scooter	Yeah, well, you don't understand. You see, I'm your new gofer. Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need.
Kermit 	I see.
 	Scooter follows Kermit as he walks.
Scooter	Yeah, well, I work real cheap and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight. OK?
Kermit 	Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young, you don't have any experience, and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
Scooter	Yeah, well, my uncle owns this theater.
 	Kermit stops in his tracks.
Kermit 	Uh, you start today, get me a cup of coffee, your salary is 20 a week. (into the intercom) Stand by for the next number.
Scooter	Could you make it 25?
Kermit 	Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter	Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit 	How about 30? (scowls)
==Talking Houses==
 	Open on a row of houses. Zoom in on the two left.
 	
House 2	My wife's not feeling well.
House 1	Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?
House 2	She's got the shingles.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
==Gone With the Wind==
Kermit 	Uh, we're real proud to have with us on the show tonight, a gentleman who has two distinct personalities. He's a real country boy who became famous as Gomer Pyle, and also he sings everything from pop to opera. So let's give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim Nabors!
 	Open on Muppet Ranch. Music swells up, and Jim sings.
Jim 	
Gone with the wind,
Just like a leaf that has blown away.
Gone with the wind,
My romance has flown away. 
Yesterday's kisses are still on my lips.
I had a lifetime of heaven at my fingertips.
 	
 	A belle makes her way to him. He embraces her.
Jim 	
Now all is gone,
Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart.
Gone with the wind,
The gladness that filled my heart.
 	The wind becomes stronger, blowing her out of his arms.
Jim 	
Just like a flame,
Love burned brightly then became
An empty smoke dream that has gone,
Gone with the wind.
 	Jim looks around as the wind becomes stronger.
Jim 	
Now all is gone,
Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart.
Gone with the wind,
The gladness that filled my heart.
 	The fence and the Muppet Ranch sign collapse. The girl comes back. Her wig falls off, then she is blown away again.
Jim 	
Just like a flame,
Love burned brightly then became
An empty smoke dream that has gone,
Gone with the wind.
 	
 	Jim's pants fall down as he finishes the song.
Waldorf	I tell ya, that Jim Nabors is a real good sport, a real good singer.
Statler	I used to live next door to him. He was a real good Nabor. (laughs)
==Muppet Newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station attendant from Penny Box, Texas, reported a flying saucer landed at his station last night. Said Mr. Boomer …
 	Jim appears in the monitor.
 	
Jim 	They didn't want no gas, they just wanted to use the restroom. Can't say as I blame 'em. Said they'd traveled 83 million miles without a stop. (smiles)
==Backstage==
 	Wayne and Wanda walk past Kermit.
Wanda 	No, I don't know when we're going on either.
Kermit 	(mumbles) Always griping.
 	Scooter rushes over.
Scooter	Hey Kermit, here's your coffee — whoa!
 	He spills it on Kermit, who screams.
Scooter	Hot, huh? Just the way you like it!
Kermit 	Mm - too much sugar.
Scooter	Yeah, well anyway, I just found this fantastic new act!
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter, I don't have time on the show for a new act.
Scooter	Oh, that's too bad. I found him in my uncle's office. It's his favorite act. (shrugs)
 	
Kermit 	Uh, what's the name of the act?
Scooter	Oh! They're called the Danceros. Oh, they're fantastic! They're outta sight!
Kermit 	And they're your uncle's favorite act.
Scooter	Right.
Kermit 	(begrudgingly) I'll introduce them.
Scooter	Oh boy! Hey Danceros, you're on!
==The Danceros==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to laughter.
Kermit 	Okay, uh, now with great pride and uh, ahem, no little fear, the international debut of the Danceros. Whatever they are.
 	The curtain opens on two pairs of tap-dancing legs.
Voice 	Take it. … (dancing) … Take it. … (dancing) … Take it!
 	
 	Zoom out to reveal that the four legs (and voice) belong to one creature.
Danceros	Going home!
 	The music speeds up, and he stumbles over his own legs and collapses as it ends.
 	200px
Danceros	It went better in rehearsal.
 	He stumbles off-stage.
==Blackout==
 	Animal walks past Jim.
Jim 	Hey, Animal. Are you on next?
Animal	Yeah.
Jim 	Well, as they say in show business, break a leg.
 	
Animal	Wha?
Jim 	I said break a leg.
Animal	Oh, thank you!
 	Animal whacks Jim on the leg with a mallet. Jim yelps, and Animal giggles.
==Backstage==
 	Scooter follows Kermit around, much to Kermit's dismay.
Kermit 	George, George. Come here.
George the Janitor	I'm busy.
Kermit 	Come here. Have you met Scooter? This is Scooter. He's our new gofer, so if you need anything around here, you know … (dashes off)
George the Janitor	Need anything? Me? Need anything from some young kid? Huh. (to Scooter) Listen, kid. I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know? Before that new guy bought it and ruined it. Heh. Now the roof leaks, and the seats are torn, the furnace is on the fritz. I tell you, he is the worst.
Scooter 	Yeah, he's my uncle.
George the Janitor	He is the best. What's a theater without problems?
Scooter 	(nods) Right.
 	
George the Janitor	Your uncle's got a good head on his shoulders.
Scooter 	Oh?
George the Janitor	Unlike some people around here.
 	A headless figure walks by.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
George the Janitor	Ten, eleven, twelve. Yeah, go.
Mildred 	You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.
George the Janitor	What was that?
Mildred 	My husband.
Rowlf 	You know, my doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu.
Girl 	What did he say to do?
Rowlf 	He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.
Zoot 	Do you believe in the hereafter?
Janice 	Oh, yes.
Zoot 	Ah, then you know what I'm here after.
Loud lady 	OH, I JUST LOVE THIS MUSIC! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Man 	(wearing earmuffs) Your voice is music to my ears.
 	
Headless figure 	You got something I've been looking for all my life.
Statler 	Well, it's halftime.
Waldorf 	It is?
Statler 	Yeah.
Waldorf 	What's the score?
Statler 	Eh, Muppets six, audience nothing.
==UK Spot==
 	Baskerville stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
 	
Rowlf 	All right, now this is what you call your dog kind of music here, as you'll see. Sing it.
Baskerville 	
Bowery corner, foggy night,
Passing crowd, electric light.
Rowlf 	Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Baskerville 	
German chef, can of tin,
Sausages are boiled within.
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.
Yeller dog, nearby prowls.
Rowlf 	(sniffs, growls)
Baskerville 	
Smells a sausage, softly growls.
Clumsy man, wooden leg,
Upsets the boiler with his peg.
Rowlf 	(howls)
Baskerville 	
Spills a sausage, scatters wurst,
Yeller dog, he gets there first.
He grabs the sausage, splits the fog.
It's another case of dog-eat-dog.
Baskerville & Rowlf	(harmonizing) It's another case of dog-eat-dog.
Rowlf 	(howls)
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Hey, you know, Jim, it's a real pleasure to have you with us on the show.
Jim 	Well, thank you, Kermit. It's a real pleasure to be here. I'm sort of an old country boy and I feeI right at home with all these chickens and roosters and pigs. Especially that Miss Piggy, I just love her.
Kermit 	Piggy Lee.
 	Piggy throws herself at Jim.
 	
Miss Piggy	You called, my love?
Jim 	Hey, Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, if you don't mind, uh, Jim and I were just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Miss Piggy	Oh, go right ahead. Don't mind me. Kermit, one thing. I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
Jim 	(chuckles) Well, I guess it is kinda confusing. You see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for so long …
Kermit 	Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle.
Jim 	Oh, thank you. Well, I played him for so long I guess I get confused myself. But it goes along with my astrological sign. You see, I'm a Gemini. That means I got twin personalities.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah. Hey, listen, well, I'm a Taurus.
Jim 	You're a Taurus. That's the sign of the bull, isn't it?
Kermit 	Mm-hm. I'm a bullfrog. (Jim laughs) That's just a little joke.
Jim 	What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Well, I, uh, wasn't born under a sign. I was born over a sign. At Becker's Butcher Shop. I moved as soon as possible.
Jim 	I don't blame you.
Kermit 	Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
Jim 	Well, it sure does, you know, because, you know, I talk like this, but then I sing like this:
 	He sings a passage from Pagliacci, knocking Kermit off the wall. Kermit walks off.
Jim 	… What happened to Kermit?
Miss Piggy	He doesn't appreciate classical music, James. But it drives me bananas. (starts smothering him) Oh, sing again, please! Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing. Hold me!
Jim 	Wait a minute, Miss Piggy. Control yourself, Miss Piggy. Kermit?…
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie stops Kermit in his tracks.
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit? Could you — H-h-hold it!
Kermit	Yeah, Fozzie. — Wh-wh-what?
Fozzie	Listen. "Wh-wh-what?" Listen. Listen. There is a young kid following me all around the theater.
Kermit	Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.
Fozzie	Cute. Cute name.
Kermit	(mumbling) Yeah, I suppose.
Fozzie	The trouble is, you see, he's following me all around and giving me these jokes for my act and they are awful.
Kermit	Fozzie, how would you know?
Fozzie	How would I know? Smarty-frog. Ok. OK, listen. Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.
 	Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Kermit	OK, a joke.
Fozzie	Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes.
Gonzo 	Shoot.
 	
Fozzie	I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room service has an unlisted number.
 	The three of them burst out laughing and run away. Fozzie gets a look of realization, and looks around for Scooter.
Fozzie	SCOOOOOOTERRR! Scooter?
==Wayne and Wanda==
Sam the Eagle	And here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing team, Wayne and Wanda.
 	Sam walks away mumbling. The curtain opens as music swells up.
Wayne 	And now, "Indian Love Call."
Wanda 	When I'm calling yoooooooooooou…
Indian 	Hey, baby. You called?
 	
 	Wanda bursts into tears and cries on Wayne's shoulder. The curtain closes.
==Fozzie's Comedy Act==
 	Kermit emerges from the curtain.
Kermit 	OK, uh … uh, here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show - the man who comes to us direct from a very long engagement — but a very short marriage — the man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom - I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business —
Statler 	Heh, since he's not here, bring out the regular guy. (laughs)
Kermit 	OK, here he is now, our very own barrel of boffs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	Fozzie comes out to applause and a fanfare.
Fozzie 	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Time for fun with Fozzie Bear! Here's some jokes from everywhere. Aah!
Waldorf 	Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear!
Statler 	It's time for the audience to go elsewhere.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Uh, ahem - if you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.
Waldorf 	We don't mind. But when are you gonna do 'em?
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Pay no attention to them, folks. They don't bother me. I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Statler 	Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience. They're asleep too.
 	They chuckle.
 	
Fozzie 	Uh, uh … oh yeah?
Waldorf 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Oh. … Oh yeah?
Statler 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Oh yeah?
Waldorf 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Oh yeah?
Statler & Waldorf	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Uh … listen. I'm gonna tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh, then I'll never come back out on this stage again, OK?
Waldorf 	It's a deal.
Fozzie 	Oh. Ah, uh, uh, uh … These two cannibals were talking. One cannibal says to the other cannibal: "Who was that lady I saw you out with last night?" The other cannibal says, "That was no lady, that was my lunch!"
 	Statler and Waldorf burst out laughing.
Fozzie 	Ah! Ah! I got you, I got you! And I lied. That was my worst joke. Oh, I love me when I'm good. Pacing, timing … (kisses his hat as the curtain closes)
Waldorf 	Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
Statler 	Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility.
==Bakery==
 	Open on a man (Jim) sitting at a desk. He turns to the camera.
Jim 	(to viewer) Go-o-olly. Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as a watchman, and I gotta be real careful to not let anybody in here. Uh-oh. Here comes somebody now.
 	Rowlf walks in, scatting, wearing a bandanna.
Jim 	Wait! Stop right there. Stop right there. Put up your hands. Put up your hands.
Rowlf	I beg pardon?
Jim 	Your hands. Put 'em up.
Rowlf	Oh? Oh, okay.
 	He displays two chickens.
Jim 	What's that?
Rowlf	Those are my hens. Where shall I put 'em?
Jim 	Well, uh, right here on the table, I guess.
Rowlf	Ok. (does so)
Jim 	Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. What right have you got to be here?
Rowlf	Uh, what rat do I have? Well, I got uh … I got this rat right here.
 	He displays a rat, which squeaks.
Jim 	Oh. Well, I guess you do have a right to be here.
Rowlf	Mm. Thank you. (begins to walk out)
Jim 	Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't move a hair.
Rowlf	Okay.
 	He displays a rabbit.
Jim 	What's that?
Rowlf	That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Jim 	Now, wait a minute. I don't want any beef out of you.
Rowlf	No beef. Ok. Here's some pork. (holds up a pig)
Jim 	Now — now — now wait just a minute. What are all you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery.
Rowlf	Well, you see, the farmer's been losing money. We came here to raise some dough!
 	They all laugh.
 	
Jim 	Well, well, well. I'm sure glad we got that straightened out. For a minute there I thought you was just being silly.
 	They all laugh.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie reads from a piece of paper.
Fozzie 	"Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin …"
Scooter	Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	"Let me tell you" — Oh! Oh. Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Scooter	Yeah - hey, Foz, you know, I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.
Fozzie 	(dumbfounded) Me? You think that I'm the — Oh, wow.
Scooter	Really, I mean it. Cross my heart.
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Scooter	You're the best. Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you. Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing. You're a million laughs! (laughs out loud)
Fozzie 	Okay. Hey, hey. In that case, ahem, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin. He's so rich, his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield.
 	
Scooter	OK, tell me about him.
 	He gives Scooter a blank stare.
Fozzie 	(to the viewer) Lucky his uncle owns this place. (to Scooter) That was a joke!
 	Scooter bursts out laughing.
==Thank God I'm a Country Boy==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, once again, folks, Mr. Jim Nabors.
 	
 	Jim sings "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" with The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband, Catgut, Baskerville, and some pigs and chickens.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that just about wraps it up for another one. We want to give our special thanks to our very special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. Yeah! Let's hear it for Jim! (applause as Jim comes out) Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time.
Jim 	I sure did, Kermit. But tell me, who was that little ol' fella that kept following me through after the show?
Kermit 	Oh, that's Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.
 	
Scooter 	You called?
Kermit 	No, I didn't!
Jim 	Oh, that's OK, Kermit. He was real nice. He picked up my coffee and he picked up my wardrobe.
Scooter 	Yeah, I even picked up his accent. "Well, go-o-olly!"
Kermit 	(to Jim) Be careful he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck.
Scooter 	(taking offense) I'm shocked!
Fozzie 	I'm Fozzie.
Miss Piggy	I'm Piggy.
Animal 	I'm Animal.
Kermit 	Well, I'm saying good night. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Jim 	"Go-o-olly!"
Muppets 	"Go-o-olly!"
 	They joke around as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	Pay up. They made it through another one.
Statler 	Double or nothing, next week's show?
Waldorf 	You're on.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts