Revenge of the North

Revenge of the North is the sixty-eighth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on September 4th, 2023 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
War finally breaks out between the Cult and the Snowflakes. The Snowflakes declare full scale war against the Cult and the two forces have a showdown in the North. Azryth gives the Snowflakes extra power with the help of his demons.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins at the Snowflakes cave)
Markers: FIRST DECREE! I, Doctor Markers, shall be referred to as God King Markers from here on out. 
(There’s a murmur amongst the few Snowflakes, then Fate speaks up)
Fate: If I may, what is your first name?
Markers: Doctor.
Fate: Really?
Markers: I had an interesting childhood. SECOND DECREE! We’re going to war on the Cult!
Fate: Now? Why?
Markers: Well to be quite frank, they’ve been a thorn in my side for quite some time now. And I know that you can agree with that!
(A shadow is cast into the cave, Blue walks toward Markers)
Blue: What happened while I was gone?
Markers: Well, I took over and imprisoned your boss.
Blue: Oh, okay.
Markers: That’s all you have to say?
Blue: Well yeah, not like I cared too much for him anyways.
(Fate shoots a glance at Blue)
Markers: So we go to war. Fate! How many people do we have here?
Fate: Approximately 19 members. Most of them have been on reconnaissance in Bikini Bottom but they’ve all returned.
Markers: Well that’s super convenient!
Fate: Sir, you instructed me to call all Snowflake brethren back.
Markers: Right. Anyways, the attack.
(Markers rolls out a large map of the North and places rocks on it)
Markers: So these rocks right here (Markers points to a spot on the map labeled “CAVE”), that’s us. And these rocks over here (Markers points to a spot on the map labeled “EVIL”), that’s the Cult. 
(Markers begins to move the rocks around)
Markers: We’re going to ambush them from behind their cabin and take out every last one of them!
Fate: And why is it going to work this time?
Markers: Because I’m in charge and also, we have the Book of the Damned.
(A couple of Snowflake goons bring the Book forward)
Markers: Beating them is going to be a piece of cake with this thing.
Fate: Do you know how to use it?
Markers: I mean, sort of. Not really, I just wanna play around with it and destroy the cult.
Fate: You want to “play around” with a weapon of mass destruction because you’re feeling petty?
Markers: I mean yeah, isn’t our whole thing that we want to destroy the cult?
Fate: Markers, Jerry created this place with a vision for a new, better world in mind. He went crazy and killed the cultists, and it sounds like you want to do the same. What makes you a better leader than him?
Markers: You just put me in power and now you want me out?
Fate: You’ve already proven you’re more of a loose cannon than Jerry is. 
Markers: I see your point and well…
(Markers opens the book)
Markers: Spiritus prohibere!
(Fate begins choking)
Markers: Frankly “Fate,” I don’t care about your opinion. 
(Markers closes his fist, causing Fate to choke even more)
Fate: (choking) I… yield.
(Markers opens his fist which allows Fate to breathe again)
Markers: Actually, I’m gonna change my mind. 
(Markers closes his fist again even tighter, Fate chokes harder)
Markers: Ya know, it’s sort of a weird question, but what’s under that hood? I only ask because I’m curious as to the thing underneath all that mystery. I don’t mean to sound perverted, I just want to see under your hood.
(Fate begins to pull back the hood but the camera pans away before showing what’s underneath; cut to the cult)
SpongeBob: (pounding on door) SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD, OPEN UP! WE HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS!
(Squidward stands up from a chair and goes to open the door)
Squidward: What’s happened? Is it bad?
(Plankton hops up onto SpongeBob’s shoulder)
Plankton: Blue! He died, and then he revived, then-
SpongeBob: He fell off this cliff and-
Plankton: HE GOT UP-
SpongeBob: Twisted his neck back into place!
Plankton: He-
Squidward: Okay, woah, guys, calm down, one at a time, PLEASE.
(SpongeBob and Plankton exchange glances and then Plankton sighs)
Plankton: Blue fell down, broke his neck, stood back up, and then we watched him fix his neck and… Well…
SpongeBob: We barely know what happened next. He went to a quiet place and… 
Squidward: And what?
SpongeBob: I don’t even know. 
Plankton: All we know for sure is, well, he seemed to have contacted otherworldly forces.
Squidward: Really? 
Plankton: Yeah, it seemed to me he contacted a demon.
Squidward: So let me get this straight, you encountered Blue, saw him fix his twisted neck, then he contacted DEMONS?!
SpongeBob: Yeah, from our understanding.
Squidward: Does that mean Blue could’ve been a demon that whole time?
Plankton: I mean… it’s the only answer that seems to make sense, he should’ve been dead, but he just got up and acted like nothing happened. 
Squidward: Are you sure you were seeing things right? This is incredibly strange. Were you tired, or on any weird substances?
Plankton: No, we were both clean.
Squidward: Well, the only explanation is Blue being a demon. God, it’s no wonder he’s been such a thorn in our sides. But what’s worse, is the implication that there are demons in our world, undercover. I don’t know who to trust anymore. Especially not after Security was murdered…
Plankton: Well, even if there are demons out there, their power is probably nothing compared to the power Satan had.
SpongeBob: Truthfully, I feel all we need is some Holy Water to get rid of them.
Squidward: Holy Water? Where would we find THAT, especially up here in the North? We’d probably have to go back to Bikini Bottom to get our hands on that, and if Holy Water exists in Bikini Bottom, L.R.H has probably already gotten his hands on it.
SpongeBob: So we could use Holy Water to test who is and isn’t a demon?
Plankton: The man just said we can’t get our hands on some, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes, yes, but say if, hypothetically, we COULD…
(Crayons comes out after hearing all the commotion)
Crayons: Hello, gentlemen. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about obtaining Holy Water.
Squidward: Yeah? 
Crayons: Well, you just happen to be in luck, because I know where we could get some Holy Water.
Squidward: You do? 
Crayons: Back when Markers and I were on our expeditions, we met this shaman up north who told us he knew how to fight demons. We didn’t think much of it then, but given our current situation, it’s not a bad place to start.
Squidward: A Shaman? I’ve had an encounter with a shaman before. Years ago, a Shaman foresaw my own death.
Crayons: They could be the same one I encountered. 
SpongeBob: But how do we find a Shaman?
Squidward: Well, how did YOU find the Shaman, Crayons?
Crayons: Well, we were up in the mountains to conduct research, when suddenly, the snow storm began picking up so drastically that we couldn’t see eachother. Then, out from the shadows stepped our Shaman.
Squidward: That isn’t much help. What else did you do?
Crayons: It’s hard to remember from that long ago.
Squidward: Well, do you remember where you walked? Or any landmarks?
Crayons: Yeah, I do - there were a lot of tres without leaves, and a lot of rocks stacked on top of eachother. I noticed these, but I thought nothing of them.
Squidward: Then that’s what we need to do - we need to FIND this Shaman!
Plankton: Yeah, but how the Hell are we going to find exactly where Crayons was?
Crayons: I can probably help you if I went along with you. I have a pretty good memory.
Squidward: Then, let’s go!
Crayons: Wait - before we go, I need to check Noseward’s state.
Squidward: Why? He’s awake, isn’t he?
Crayons: He’s awake, but his consciousness isn’t all there. If I don’t help maintain it, he could lose consciousness forever.
Plankton: I better go too, to make sure he does it right. I’ve dealt with this before.
Squidward: How long will it take?
Crayons: Won’t take long at all. Come with me, Plankton.
(Cut to Plankton and Crayons going into Noseward’s room, where they see Noseward in the bed, mumbling as his eyes are barely open)
Crayons: Well, he seems normal. Plankton, check his brain monitor.
(Plankton inspects a beeping machine)
Plankton: Looks good to me, although there’s some neurons fried.
Crayons: That’s to be expected. An electric current like the one Noseward faced would surely knock out one or two of them.
Plankton: Will that be a problem?
Crayons: It could be, but we’ll have to see once he is fully there.
Plankton: I see.
Crayons: I’ll turn on the brain stimulant in the meantime. 
(Crayons turns on a machine hooked to Noseward’s head as it begins buzzing)
Crayons: This should help him regain consciousness.
Plankton: Just don’t forget to turn it off later.
Crayons: (Sighs) I dread to have to tell him what happened with Security while he was comatose.
Plankton: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, Crayons. But for now, we’ve got a mission to do. Let’s go!
(Cut to them running out of the room)
Squidward: How’s his condition?
Crayons: It’s good. His recovery is going smoothly.
Squidward: Good. That’s good to hear. Now, we should get going!
(The cultists head off to the mountains; cut to Jerry in the Snowflakes cave behind bars, Fate comes to check up on him)
Jerry: So, ye really think you can keep me locked up here?
Fate: That’s the intent, Jerry.
Jerry: And you’re going to tell me that Markers is a better leader than I am?
Fate: Markers hasn’t killed anybody! Yes, Markers is an unhinged, unpredictable lunatic, but you’re more of a lost cause than he’s ever been. 
Jerry: I was doing what I had to do for our survival. The cult would have wiped us out with that sort of power!
Fate: But I never told you to kill their strongest warrior. That only seems to have enraged them more! That is BAD!
Jerry: But that weakened them! They can’t destroy us like they intended!
Fate: Well, something tells me they don’t want to wipe us out. 
Jerry: You honestly believe that?
Fate: I’m not sure, I’m not sure! I don’t know what to think anymore, Jerry! Isn’t it a little weird that we’ve been the aggressors every single time we’ve encountered them? We started skirmishes with them for no strategic reason, we’ve damaged their egos, we’ve killed one of their members. Don’t you think that’s enough retribution?
Jerry: They took over the ocean, they killed MILLIONS of us, Fate. When did you of all people suddenly forget that?
Fate: I haven’t forgotten it. And I never will forget it, they committed atrocities but the cult still came together with people like SpongeBob. That can’t be a coincidence, that’s a sign there’s some change and growth happening there. And I’m not saying we forget what they did, I’m saying that the world’s changing and it’s time to move forward. 
Jerry: SpongeBob? Why the Hell do you care about SpongeBob? He’s just that nobody fry cook!
Fate: He’s one of the best people still around to put up the good fight. 
Jerry: If he was so good, he and his stupid Feathered Freaks would have destroyed them years ago. And guess what? They never did!
Fate: Hey, at least they TRIED! SpongeBob is more of a man then you’ll EVER be.
Jerry: Why are you so obsessed with him?!
Fate: FORGET IT. There are more important matters at hand. The truth is, our group is in a bit of a precarious position. You see, Markers declared war on the Cult.
Jerry: So what was that whole rant about not wanting to hurt them? Was that just to get me pissed off? If so, it worked. 
Fate: No, I don’t know. I’m feeling very conflicted right now Jerry. Just don’t say I never did anything for you.
(Fate turns to walk away and intentionally drops something from his pocket onto the floor next to the bars. Jerry reaches out and grabs a small metal disc, which looks to be a circular file that he uses to start cutting away at one of the bars; we cut to Squidward, Crayons, SpongeBob, and Plankton up in the mountains sort of meandering around)
Squidward: Crayons where exactly is it?
(Crayons looks around)
Crayons: Definitely around here somewhere, I remember those two mountains.
(Crayons points out two mountains that stand tall above the rest, one slightly shorter than the other)
Crayons: We must be close. I can feel it getting colder.
Squidward: So I wasn’t the only one who felt the temperature drop?
Plankton: Wait, look! I see rocks stacked on top of eachother!
Crayons: We’re on the right track! A snowstorm should start blowing in right about now!
(Squidward starts sniffling, and as he wipes his nose, he sees ink on his tentacle and shouts)
Squidward: My ink reflex is going insane right now!
Crayons: There must be a deep spiritual presence around here.
Plankton: What? That sounds so lame. Maybe his allergies are just acting up. 
Crayons: There's no pollen here, Plankton. Do you have a better explanation
Plankton: (Watches Squidward's nose expel more and more ink) I guess I don't. 
(Squidward starts sneezing profuse amounts of ink, as everyone watches terrified; soon, there’s a pile of ink on the floor)
Squidward: Ugh, I feel so… so… Woozy… 
(Squidward falls on the floor as Crayons rushes to him)
Crayons: Damnit, he’s knocked out!
Squidward: (Weakly) No, no, I’m still here, just… Exhausted…
Crayons: (Puts a blanket over Squidward) Just lie there, Squidward, we’ll wait here for you.
(A strange, warbly noise is heard behind them as Crayons quickly looks over his shoulder, and they all notice the ink on the floor begin shaking and splashing)
SpongeBob: What the Hell is happening?!
(They all watch the ink on the floor in astonishment as a tall, clothed squid begins to rise out of the ink, fully covered in it, until he takes a step forward and the ink suddenly clears away, revealing an old, wrinkly squid in voodoo attire)
Crayons: That’s… That’s him… That’s the shaman!
Shaman: Why do you walk upon my domain?
Crayons: Shaman? It’s me. Do you remember me?
(The Shaman takes a deep look at Crayons, then slams his scepter on the ground once)
Shaman: I remember you. You are Doctor Crayons. I foresaw all you coming up here to see me. 
Crayons: But you know why we’re all here, don’t you?
Shaman: You come seeking the knowledge that I possess. 
SpongeBob: Well, before we ask anything, can you heal our friend, Squidward?
(The Shaman looks at Squidward, then raises his scepter in the air as a bright light surrounds Squidward, as he eventually wakes up and stands back up as if nothing happened)
Squidward: Ow… That was unpleasant…
Shaman: I apologize for the inconvenient entrance.
Squidward: It’s… Fine. I’ve suffered worse. (Looks at the Shaman) Hey, you’re that Shaman we saw years ago… You foresaw my death! And you were murdered! 
Shaman: (Chuckles) You can’t kill a Shaman. Our souls and spirit remain in this realm, forever looking for a new vessel to reform our bodies… And when you arrived, my soul used your friend’s ink as its vessel.
Crayons: Hate to break up the idle conversation, but we don’t have time, and need your help. We need knowledge on defeating demons. 
Shaman: So, you’ve come to get help destroying a demon?
SpongeBob: Well, a whole army of demons. And their big scary boss.
Shaman: Welp! That’s enough convincing for me. And, who is this “boss”?
Squidward: He names himself… Azryth.
(The Shaman just stares at Squidward for a short amount of time with a confused expression) 
Shaman: You speak of Azryth? 
Squidward: Yeah?
Shaman: Who is Azryth?
(Squidward is surprised when he hears this, and stares at the Shaman for a second)
Squidward: What? You don’t know who Azryth is?
Shaman: That name is unfamiliar to me.
Squidward: But, how?! I’ve encountered several angelic forces, and they all warn me of Azryth!
Shaman: Sorry, but that name is unfamiliar. 
Squidward: If it’s an unfamiliar name, then why am I always warned about him as if he’s the destroyer of the world or something?
Shaman: I don’t doubt there is a threat out there, but for now, I know nothing about this “Azryth.”
Crayons: Well, could you at least give us what we came for? You know, demon fighting tips?
Shaman: That, I can do, as I did several years ago. I remember you arrived here with one other scientist character, one named “Markers.” Doctor Markers.
Crayons: Markers and I no longer work together. Not since the Cult took over.
Shaman: Hmmm… I see.
Crayons: Will that be a problem?
Shaman: Yes, it is. I gave Markers the knowledge which you seek. I’d need to transfer his memories to you in order to teach you as well.
Squidward: What?! That’s stupid!
Shaman: As unfortunate as it may be, that is how it works.
Crayons: Oh, come on. You’re telling me you can’t just give me the knowledge you have?
Shaman: I’m afraid not.
Squidward: Believe me when I tell you the whole world is at stake, you’re seriously going to let that clown get valuable information but not give it to us?
Shaman: You know, Squidward, of all people who would have knowledge to destroy demons, you’re the one with the most experience. You took down Satan, no? Why do you seek my help in something you have done before?
Squidward: Honestly? Having holy water on hand makes it a lot easier to take down a demon than having to quite literally do it with my bare tentacles.
Shaman: Holy Water? You want Holy Water? Why didn’t you just say so? I have an incantation that turns any water holy.
Squidward: Really? That’s great!
Shaman: Be warned, for if you say the incantation wrong, you may accidentally say one that burns the lungs of the nearest person.
Plankton: Jeez, that’s rough.
Crayons: I oughta say it, then. I have good memory.
Shaman: Here’s a scrying bowl with water and the incantation. Repeat after me. Benedictus es, Domine
Crayons: Benedictus es, Domine
Shaman: Omnipotens Deus, qui nos in Christo benedicere dignatus es…
Crayons: Omnipotens Deus, qui nos in Christo benedicere dignatus es…
Shaman: Aquam vivam salutis nostrae, et interius reformare…
Crayons: Aquam vivam salutis nostrae, et interius reformare…
Shaman: Concede, ut hujus aquae aspersione muniti, juventuti…
Crayons: Concede, ut hujus aquae aspersione muniti, juventuti…
Shaman: Renovatus spiritus in virtute Spiritus Sancti ut ambulet semper in novitate vitae!
Crayons: Renovatus spiritus in virtute Spiritus Sancti ut ambulet semper in novitate vitae!
Shaman: Here, quick! Take this salt! 
(The Shaman gives Crayons salt, which he throws on the water in the bowl; the water begins glowing yellow until it stops, and turns crystal-clear)
Crayons: Woah, that’s incredible!
Shaman: It is important that you must not drink or touch this water; it could contaminate its holiness, making it ineffective against Demons.
SpongeBob: And this is an effective repellent towards any demon, right?
Shaman: Indeed. Even the most powerful demons’ essence will be burnt like acid if they make contact.
Squidward: This is perfect! Thank you, wise Shaman.
Shaman: You must remember to say the spell exactly as I told you. Saying it wrong could be disastrous. You could tear open the sky, extinguish the sun, or bring about the end of all existence as you know it. 
(A heavy flurry of snow begins forming as it soon turns into a blizzard)
Shaman: BE WARNED……
(The blizzard clears, and the Shaman is nowhere to be seen)
Plankton: (Shivers) That was freaky.
Crayons: I feel a cold, tingly sensation running down my spine. Anyone else feel it?
(He looks around the group and they’re just staring)
Crayons: Damn invertebrates.
Squidward: We probably should be heading back as soon as possible. It’s getting dark.
Crayons: Squidward’s right. I don’t want to know how cold it gets at night up here.
Plankton: I’ve measured this. It gets to -60 degrees out here at night. Definitely don’t want that.
SpongeBob: (Sighs) Not like our base is much warmer.
(We cut to Jerry in prison very slowly filing away the bars when somebody is heard walking down the hall)
Jerry: Fate?
(Blue walks in front of Jerry’s prison)
Jerry: Oh, it’s just you, Blue. Did you also come here to preach at me?
Blue (in a deep voice): No Jerry, and Blue isn’t home right now.
Jerry: Huh?
(Blue’s eyes flicker black, then they return to normal)
Jerry: Azryth? Have you finally come to confront me about our plan?
Azryth: That’s right Jerry, I’m here to free you from prison. I just need you to do one teeny tiny little thing for me!
Jerry: What do you want me to do?
Azryth: Well, I just need to adjust the terms of our agreement. 
Jerry: Meaning?
Azryth: I help you unleash Skelfingin and you can make quick work of the cult, and in return you give me your soul.
Jerry: My SOUL?
Azryth: Really a small price to pay for wiping out the cult, right?
Jerry: I guess, but I still don’t know what “Skelfingin” even is.
Azryth: It’s very powerful, and that’s all I care to know about it. I’ve already sent my demon legions to go help that Markers fellow irradiate the cult.
Jerry: I guess we have a deal. I want to destroy that Cult more than anyone else!
Azryth: Perfect!
(Blue reaches out his hand and it begins burning with a green flame as his eyes turn green)
Azryth: Shake on it, and we’ve got a deal.
(Jerry is hesitant, thinking of the deal, before eventually confidently reaching his claw out to shake Azrtyh’s hand)
Azryth: You have made a good choice, Jerry. Once the cult’s gone, I’ll come take your soul. It’ll be a nice and easy painless process, you have my WORD. 
Jerry: Wait, what happened to Blue?
Azryth: You’re not the only one making demon deals here.
Jerry: Neat. So, can you tell me exactly where this “Skelfingin” thing is?
Azryth: Follow me. He is deep in this very cave.
(Jerry begins to follow Azryth into the cave; cut to Squidward, Crayons, SpongeBob, and Plankton walking back to the cabin)
SpongeBob: So we can make holy water now?
Crayons: Even better; We HAVE it!
Plankton: We actually stand a chance against the demon armies!
Squidward: And it’s a good chance at that, we can defeat Azryth’s whole legion with this.
SpongeBob: Doesn’t it just sort of burn them?
Squidward: Yes, but that gives us a lot of time to go in to stab them. 
SpongeBob: Is a regular blade going to work? What if we dipped the blades in holy water to make sure they stay destroyed?
Crayons: That’s genius, SpongeBob! Why didn’t I think of that?
Plankton: Why use regular, puny old blades? I have some of Zomp’s masterly crafted knives and swords! Those do REAL damage!
Crayons: Dip those and we’re gonna do some serious hurt to those demons. 
(Crayons notices SpongeBob focusing on something in the distance)
Crayons: SpongeBob? What’s wrong?
SpongeBob: …Is there someone ahead of us?
(SpongeBob points at something emerging from the snow a couple hundred feet out)
Squidward: You’re right, SpongeBob, who the Hell is that?
Crayons: Do you think it’s The Snowflakes? (Observes one of the people in the distance, and suddenly has a worried look on his face) Is… Is that -
(Crayons sees Markers leading the charge in a new and improved war machine, with a few other snowflakes in similar mech suits; Fate is tailing behind on a flying bird machine)
Crayons: WHAT THE HELL?! THE… THE WAR MACHINES?!
(The Snowflakes begin firing indiscriminately at the Cult as they duck for cover)
Markers: (In the distance) ATTENTION, CULT! SURRENDER TO THE SNOWFLAKES! YOU ARE OUTNUMBERED! REFUSE, AND WE WILL KILL YOU. THIS IS WAR!
(Squidward and SpongeBob instantly draw swords from the insides of their jackets, Crayons pulls out a mechanized gun and Plankton’s jacket turns into a spiked shield)
Squidward: If it’s war you want Markers, it’s war you’re gonna GET!
Markers: Good. I like a good battle!
(Squidward lunges at Markers with his sword as the camera pans to Jerry and Azryth reaching the end of the cave; there’s a massive seemingly endless pit laying directly in front of them)
Jerry: What the hell? What is this?
Azryth: It’s Skelfingin’s home.
Jerry: What do I have to do?
Azryth: Simple. 
(Azryth claws at Jerry’s neck and draws a little bit of blood from the exposed section as Jerry bleeds on the floor)
Azryth: Don’t worry Jerry. It may hurt, but it’s, all part of the deal here.
(Azryth waves his hand and Jerry’s wound is instantly healed and he gasps)
Jerry: (Cough) What the Hell?! Why did you do that?!
Azryth: It’s part of the ritual. Now, I just need you to repeat after me. Exite, mundi perditor, prodite…
Jerry: Excite.. Mondo Predator…
Azryth: Just leave the ritual to me. Exite, mundi perditor, prodite… Exite, mundi perditor, prodite… Exite, mundi perditor, prodite… EXITE, MUNDI PERDITOR PRODITE….
(Azryth’s face glows with delight as he makes the blood hover over the pit in a spiral, and then begins shooting it with waves of fire)
Azryth: Yes, YES, YES!!!
(The blood begins to glow as the fire gets increasingly intense at the bottom as the hole begins to glow)
Jerry: I can almost see the bottom!
Azryth: There’s just… One more step.
(Out of nowhere, Azryth pushes Jerry down the hole as he begins screaming; when he reaches the bottom, the flames spew upwards as the room begins shaking)
Azryth: Thanks for the soul, Jerry. Thanks to you… HE’S HERE! THE BEAST IS HERE!!!
(A massive claw emerges from the pit as Azryth’s cackling, booming laugh echoes loudly in the cave as the claw hits the ceiling and causes the entire mountain to begin crumbling around it; multiple more claws shoot up, all of which begin destroying the mountain around as Azryth’s face lights up; as it suddenly cuts to black, with blood red “TO BE CONTINUED” text in an ominous font fades onscreen)
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