The MAP Debate

The MAP Debate is the second episode of season two, and the ninth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 14, 2020.
==Plot==
Paul Renaud, Vermin Supreme, and Karen Plankton duke it out in the very first Libertarian debate. 
==Story==
Mr. Pepperchicken: Hello folks, and welcome to yet another debate! This time, the very first Libertarian debate! Our candidates are Vermin Supreme, Karen Plankton, and Paul Renaud. First question: Do you support lowering the age of consent?
Mr. Supreme: Of course I do! I think it should be lowered to 14!
Mrs. Karen Plankton: You know, it’s precisely this kind of extremism that drives so many potential supporters away from our party. Of course we shouldn’t lower the age of consent to 14. We should lower it to 16.
Mr. Renaud: No, I don’t support lowering the age of consent.
[crowds boos]
Mr. Renaud: I support abolishing it!
[crowd cheers]
Mr. Renaud: We can’t let our party be controlled by these LINO sell-outs! We don’t want any more incrementalism. We want abolition, not reform! Say it with me! Abolition, not reform!
[crowd chants “Abolition, not reform! Abolition, not reform!”]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Wow! Mrs. Plankton and Mr. Supreme, looks like you two have some pretty stiff competition!
Mr. Renaud: You wanna know what else is stiff? Heheh…
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. Renaud, what do you plan on doing once the age of consent is abolished?
Mr. Renaud: Well, sir, I’ll simply shoot some more pornos in my batcave. You know, the one where I shoot my hot, sticky seed down the throats of young, innocent children. It’ll be great! And then, I’ll post it on Vimeo!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Now, personally, I think that’s a bit extreme. If we’re going to legalize child pornography, it should only be straight porn. No gay child porn should be allowed. We need these traditional values for god’s sake! Also, why not YouTube? It’s the superior platform!
Mr. Renaud: Well, let’s just agree to disagree then! Also, YouTube is for amateurs you blasted buffoon! Vimeo, now that’s for professionals let me tell you! In my s̶e̶x̶ ̶d̶u̶n̶g̶e̶o̶n̶ uhh I mean video productions class, we all use Vimeo to upload our CPTV because we are professionals! I doubt my contenders can say the same. Now, give me a dollar!
Mr. Pepperchicken: E-Excuse me, Mr. Renaud?
Mr. Renaud: Well, you didn’t expect to get that advice for free, now did you? Now, give me a dollar! This is the free market!
[crowd goes wild, cheering and clapping, the clapping is almost done when a somewhat peeved Mr. Pepperchicken speaks]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Uhhhh, Well, let’s talk about this after the d-debate, alright? Now, let’s hear what the others have to say! Plus, all my money is Russian! Now, the next question - what are your views on gun control? Do you think the ban on tinfoil guns should be lifted?
Mr. Renaud: Absolutely it should be lifted! Not only that, but we should allow all citizens to own nuclear weapons!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Sounds great! Mrs. Plankton?
Mrs. Plankton: While I generally oppose restrictions, I do think it makes sense to have certain restrictions to prevent dangerous criminals from obtaining firearms.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Could you clarify what you mean by “dangerous criminal”? I’m barred from owning any firearms as the courts have deemed that numerous attempts at slaughtering gay people make me a dangerous criminal. Would you agree with such a classification?
Mrs. Plankton: Yes. I do not think you should have guns.
Mr. Pepperchicken: [mumbles under his breath]
Mr. Supreme: I am a strong supporter of the right to bear arms. Everyone has the right to an arm of any bear of their choosing - Grizzly, brown, polar, any type you like!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Now, how do you feel about Israel?
Mr. Supreme: I love them! The hoopoe is a truly majestic creature.
Mr. Pepperchicken: HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! Why do you support those filthy j- I mean, filthy colonizers in the middle east, instead of our true ally, Mother Russia! We should have you thrown out of a helicopter for that opinion!
Mr. Supreme: I think we should replace all helicopters with rhinos!
Mr. Pepperchicken: [blinks]
Mr. Chillyrooster: What is your opinion, Mrs. Plankton?
Mrs. Plankton: Now, what is Israel? I’ve never heard of it before, is it like a city?
Mr. Pepperchicken: You’re not serious, are you Mrs. Plankton?
[there is silence. Mr Karen Plankton’s eyes look like he just got hit by a horse tranq, about to speak, when Mr Pepperchicken cuts him off.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Unbelievable! You don’t know what Israel - one of our biggest enemies - is, and yet you’re running for President?!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Uh, Israel is one of our biggest allies, Mr. Pepperchicken.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Not mine!
Mrs. Karen: My apologies Mr. Pepperchicken, I malfunctioned for a minute there.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I don’t wanna hear it! Mr. Renaud, what’s your view on aid to Israel?
Mr. Renaud: I think we should cut aid to all countries where you’re not allowed to shoot children.
Mr. Chillyrooster: But Mr. Renaud, you are allowed to shoot children in Israel. In fact, they do it all the time!
Mr. Renaud: Not the kind of shooting I’m talking about!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, Israel does that kind too! Epstein shot plenty of children on his Island, I should know, I was there! I don’t like that man, he didn’t invite me a second time, can you believe him!
Mr. Renaud: You can’t be implying every Jew works for Israel, are you? Also, me and Epstein go way back trust me. Ah, the good old days...
Mr. Pepperchicken: I mean, let’s be real here, Epstein’s real crime wasn’t being MAP was it now? It was, uhhhhh, you know…
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on, what are your positions on abortion?
Mr. Supreme: I’m pro-choice!
Mrs. Plankton: I’m pro-choice.
Mr. Renaud: I’m pro-life! If abortion was legal, there would be less kids to fuck!
Mr. Pepperchicken: But what if the fetus is gay? Would we shoot the woman?
Mr. Renaud: Well, that sounds like the prime opportunity for a threesome!
Mrs. Plankton: Mr. Renaud, your stance is outrageous. A woman is entitled to her own body, and she should be the only one who makes the decision to abort her baby. I mean, what if she was raped? What if she was a teenager, too young to handle the responsibility?
Mr. Renaud: Why, you ask those last two sentences like they’re bad things! That sounds like my wet dream come true. Besides, with my abolition of the age of consent, we have to savor every last second of a child without depriving their right to star in one of my very own CPTV pornos.
Mrs. Plankton: This is unbelievable. If we nominate this extremist, we’re headed to our lowest vote share in the history of our party. We should be expanding our base, not shrinking it!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, how do you respond to Mrs. Plankton’s claim that your radical views will hurt the party?
Mr. Renaud: What’s hurting the party is LINO sell-outs that care more about poll-testing than justice! People don’t want that! They want authentic politicians like me, not robotic ones like Karen!
Mr. Supreme: Why, I think they want an old man with a beard and a boot on his head!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’ve gotta say, I think Mrs. Plankton is absolutely right here! Mr. Renaud’s views are absolutely abhorrent! We can’t let a man like this be a presidential nominee!
Mr. Renaud: Can you believe it! One of the moderators is openly admitting he thinks I should lose! Once again the media shows their blatant anti-pedophilia bias!
Mr. Pepperchicken: The problem isn’t the pedophilia! It’s the homosexuality!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Unfortunately we’re out of time, so we’ll have to leave debating the merits of pedophilia and homosexuality for another day. As always, thanks for tuning in. 
[TV shuts off]
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