Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me/Transcript

==Transcript==
===Opening Sequence===
*Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and Defrosted in the nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil.
After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to a center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live Happily Ever After.
or so he thought...
This is Condore, We are Doing it EBA at Apollo, We are about Presenting with Mojo with…
What the...
Oh my Gentle Jesus
We Have a Problem
Launch 
Meanwhile...
Vanessa: Oh Yeah!, Oh Yes, Yes! Oh, God!
...where we last left Austin.
Austin: Oh, And I'm spent.
Vanessa: Do you smoke after Sex?
Austin: I don't know, baby. I never looked.
Vanessa: Oh, Austin!
What shall we do now?
Austin: Well, I've got an idea. Why don't we shag?
Vanessa (to Austin): -Again?
Austin (to Vanessa): -Sure, baby. We're only up to chapter eleven in the “Kama Sutra.” Don't you want to try the wheel barrel or the praying donkey or the Chinese shag swing?
Vanessa: I'm going to get us some more champagne, jungle boy.
(Repeats)
Vanessa: I'm going to get us some more champagne, jungle boy.
Austin: Are you OK?
Vanessa: I've never felt better, Austin.
(Breaks Champagne)
Austin: All right, then. I'm just gonna go watch a Movie.
Hey "In Like Flint." That's my favorite movie.
Vanessa, What's going on?
Vanessa: I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I'm the same Vanes--
(No audio)
You must be--
Tu imaginacion esta jugando con tio, querido.
Austin: Oh, my God!
(Vanessa Chokes Austin Powers and Vanessa Peel-Off Her Face)
Austin: Vanessa, You’re a Fembot
Vanessa: No Shit for Sherlock.
Austin: Machine Gun Jubblies?, How Did I Miss Those, Baby.
Vanessa: Perhaps Next time, You should try foreplay.
Austin: Right? Oh, my God!
Dr. Evil: Here’s your Wedding Present Mr. Powers, A Kamikaze Bride for Me, Dr. Evil.
(Countdown Three, Two, One, Zero)
(Vanessa’s Head Explosion)
Austin: Oh, Thank God!
I Can’t Believe Vanessa, My Bride, My One True Love, The Woman Who Told Me the Beauty
===The Jerry Springer Show ===
Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation.
Yes, sir.
Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry Springer: Thank you., Thank you very much. If you just joined us, today's topic is... My father is evil, and he wants to take over the world., OK, let's meet Scott Evil.
Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us.
Tell us about your father.
My dad is the head of a worldwide evil organization with aspirations of world domination.
Pretty serious stuff. Where is he now?
He's, like, cryogenically frozen orbiting the earth or something.
That's what you think.
Jerry Springer: We have a surprise for you. Let's bring out Scott's father Dr. Evil!
What?
Jerry Springer: General, we've got a situation here.
What is it, Sergeant?
Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott., Daddy's back.
Scott Evil: How could you do this to me, on national television?
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Scott Evil: Why'd you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
Well, it's true.
You're quasi-evil.
You're semi-evil.
You're the margarine of evil.
You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Just one calorie. Not evil enough.
What are you, some kind of freak?
-Shut up, you (bleep)  (bleep) OK, come on.
I'll kick your...punk.
Scott Evil: Bring it on, skanky (bleep)
Dr. Evil: All right, come on. No one talks to my son like that. It's OK, Scott. You mother(bleep) you piece of (bleep) You were born in your mother's (bleep)
I'm OK. All right.
You were born in your mother's (bleep)
Scott Evil: I'll kill you both!
Dr. Evil: There you go! Great! I got your hood!
Jerry Springer: Settle down. It's OK. It's only a television show. Calm down.
Dr. Evil: I'm all right. I'm easy.
Jerry Springer: Everything OK?
Dr. Evil: OK.
Jerry Springer: Get this jerk out of here.
Dr. Evil: I'll give you  (bleep) piece of (bleep) He's biting me! The...is biting me! Give me that. The world is mine. The world is mine, you (bleep)
You've got mail.
Austin: Hello, Basil.
Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?
Austin: Well, It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.
Basil: Yes. We knew all along, sadly. Anyway, I have a new assignment for you. You're scheduled for a photo shoot and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.
Austin: Groovy, baby! Shaguar, ho!
===Chased by Mustafa===
Austin: How Much England Looks in No Way of Southern California
Felicity: We Got Company
Mustafa: Do you remember me? Austin Powers?
Mustafa: My Name is Mustafa, and I’m the Man Who Will be Killing You Now...
Austin: Who Sent You?
Mustafa: (to Austin) "You will have to kill me!"
Austin: Who Sent You?
Mustafa: "Kiss my ass, Powers."
Austin: Who Sent You?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil
Felicity: (to Austin) That is Easy
Austin: (to Felicity) That Was Easy
Felicity: (to Austin) Why Would You Tell Us?
Mustafa: (to Felicity) I Can’t Stand to Be Asked the Same Question Three Times. It Just Irritates Me.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil Hiding
Mustafa: (to Austin) "Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low level functionaries."
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil Hiding
Mustafa: (to Austin) "You'll have to torture me, I'll never tell you!"
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil Hiding
Mustafa: (to Austin) "Damn! Three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair."
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil Secret Volcano Lair
Mustafa: (spits at Austin's feet) "I spit at the question!"
Austin: Do I Really Have Asked You Two More Times
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers
Austin: Fine, Where is Dr. Evil Secret Volcano Lair
Mustafa: (to Felicity) I Would Take It to The Grave with Me
Felicity: (to Mustafa) A-ha, You Have to Answer, He Asked You Three Times
Mustafa: No, No, No! No. The Second Question was: "Do I Really Have Asked You Two More Times?". So that Would be the First Question in a New Line of Questioning, and Wouldn't Count in The Other Line of Questioning.
Mustafa: Hello up there.
It Seems at the Fall Down the Cliff.
I'm still alive and I'm very badly injured.
I Think My Legs Might Be Broken But I'm Trying the Stand Up.
Oh Yes, They are broken. Band-aid or Anti-bacterial Cream
Austin: (to Mustafa) Sorry.
Mustafa: (to Austin) I'm Trying Another Leg.
=== Moon Base===
Austin: No, You Go ahead, This time, it's personal.
Austin: Alright Slap head, Turn Around, Where's My Mojo.
Dr. Evil: Fire the Laser
Computer Voice: Target Locking
Austin: Judo Kick
(Austin Kicks Frau Farbissina's Head)
Computer Voice: Aww, Target Missed
Dr. Evil: You May Have One the Battle Mr. Powers, But You Lost the War.
Austin: No! No!, Felicity, Wake Up Felicity, Wake Up
(Felicity Died in Heart Monitor)
Austin: I Love You Felicity, I Love You. Dr. Evil, I Kill Him.
(Austin Shoots Dr. Evil)
Austin: Gotcha!
Dr. Evil: Ow, You Shot Me.
Felicity: I'll Set the Controls in 1967
Austin: Felicity, Why Don’t You Come with Me in 1999
Felicity: I want to see what happens in the 70s and the 80s.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s?, You're Not Missing anything, I Looked in to It, There's a Gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls, That's about it.
Austin: Let's Go
Two Seconds Left
Did We Get Dr. Evil.
No Sir, We Got Away the Rocket that Looks Like a Huge Penis also known as tallywhacker, schlong or wiener
===End Credits===
Jerry Springer: Thank you. Welcome back. Today we're doing a follow-up to a segment we did several months ago on Father’s who are trying to take over the world., Let's begin with Scott Evil., What's going on with your dad?
Scott Evil: Well, my dad tried to take over the world with a giant laser on the moon., I Know
Jerry Springer: Well Scott We have a surprise for you.
Scott Evil: What, my dad?
Jerry Springer: No, it's not your father. It's your mother., Come on out.
Scott Evil: Mom?
Frau Farbissina: Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
Scott Evil: I thought I was a test-tube baby.
Frau Farbissina: Lies. All lies!
Scott Evil: I love you, Mom.
Frau Farbissina: I love you, too, son.
Jerry Springer: Thank you., You know, what have we learned here today?, Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo., You can look around all you want but what you're really trying to find is on the inside., Take care of yourself and each other.
One month later...
Felicity Shagwell: I think I'm gonna like it in the Nineties., I never knew it could be this way!, Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Austin Powers: Oh no!?
Felicity Shagwell: Oh, That's good.
Austin Powers: Felicity
Felicity Shagwell: Austin
Austin Powers: How could you?
Felicity Shagwell: I thought that…
Austin Powers: Past Austin?
Past Austin: Technically, it's not cheating, baby.
Austin Powers: Well Felicity, I can't blame you., The man is handsome, baby!
Past Austin: We're just plain handsome, man.
Austin Powers: Am I wrong, but this makes me horny, baby., Very randy!, Well, one thing's for sure-- I've got my mojo back.
Past Austin: It's definitely back., Hello. You all right?
Austin Powers: Me spuds are boiling., Come on, darling, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Past Austin: Paging Dr. Freud.
(American Woman Starts Playing the Music)
(World Up Ends Playing the Music and Post-Credit Scene with Mustafa)
Mustafa (off-screen): Hello up there., Is the Movie Over?, I'm Still Down Here and I'm Still in Quite Lot a Pain., Maybe Someone in a Lobby Could Call an Ambulance., Oh, the Pain is Really Quite Severe., I’ve Fashioned a Makeshift Splint., Here Goes Nothing.
(Splint Snaps and Hits the Ground)
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