Fred Returns

Fred Returns is a SpongeBob fanon episode from Season 367. In this episode, a character from Season 366, Fred the Fish, returns, and challenges SpongeBob to a race.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are all talking.]
SpongeBob: Hey Pat, remember Fred the Fish?
Patrick: Yes, I seem to recall participating in a race with him and a bunch of other people.
SpongeBob: No need for a forced continuity reference. Anyway, I've been meaning to ask - why does he call himself Fred the Fish? We all know he's a fish. He doesn't need it in his name. I don't call myself "SpongeBob the Sponge", do I? Anyway, I've been thinking. He totally slaughtered me in that race the other day.
Squidward: He did?
SpongeBob: Yeah. Don't you remember?
Squidward: Sorry. I wasn't there and the transcript for that episode was never released.
SpongeBob: No need for a forced fourth-wall break.
Squidward: That in of itself is a forced fourth-wall break.
SpongeBob: Oops. Anyway, here's Fred now! Hi, Fred!
Fred the Fish: Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Remember how you slaughtered me in that race? Well, it's payback time! I've devised a route throughout Bikini Bottom for a race, just you and me this time. And this time around there'll be no giant mechanical ants or freak earthquakes to slow me down.
Squidward: Giant ants? Earthquakes? Did all that somehow happen in the race??
Patrick: Yeah. It really made much more sense in context.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I keep forgetting you didn't show up. But surely you'd have felt the earthquake anyway??
Squidward: How come the transcript for "Race On!" was never released?
Fred: Whoever wrote it was probably really lazy. [To SpongeBob] Anyway, I'd be glad for a re-race!
SpongeBob: Good! See you Friday!
[Bubble transition to the Gym]
SpongeBob: Man, I've gotta train if I want a ghost of a chance of beating Fred. I hate to admit it, but he's a much better runner than me.
Larry the Lobster: Hey! Who are you speaking to?
SpongeBob: Huh? No-one, I'm doing a monologue.
Larry: Well, cut it out! I can barely hear this workout song!
SpongeBob: Sorry. Ah! There's a free treadmill! [Starts running on it]
[Patrick walks in] Hey everybody. Hey SpongeBob! Fancy seeing you here!
SpongeBob: Oh no! How will Patrick's idiocy ruin everything for me this time??
Patrick: I left my water bottle here. [Finds it, then grabs it] Here it is! [Leaves]
SpongeBob: Whew!
Patrick Jr: [Walks in] Hi! Is my dad in?
SpongeBob: Aah! No! He just left!
Patrick Jr: Ooh! A counting game! [Walks to SpongeBob's treadmill] Hmm... it's on 10 now. [Starts increasing the speed] Ooh, 10.1, 10.2, 10.3...
SpongeBob: Aah! No no no no no no no...
Patrick Jr: 15.6... 15.7...
SpongeBob: [Flies of the treadmill and hits a really large guy] Aah! Don't beat me up!
Large guy: Don't worry. I'm not a stereotypical muscular guy who's really easy to [stops] Hey, aren't you that kid who that guy who ignored a giant monster who was about to eat your pet?
SpongeBob: No! That was temporary insanitary! That's all it was!
Large guy: Really? Cause if that's so...
SpongeBob: [Gulps]
Large guy: ...Then I guess your off the hook. My brother Larry tried to EAT some BABY WORMS while he was temporarily insane. It's a real problem in this town. I think it's to do with the Krabby Patties and what's really in them.
SpongeBob: Phew!
Patrick Jr: Aw, this counting game only goes up to 18. [Gets torn apart by wolves] AAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaHHH!!!
SpongeBob: Uh oh! Wolves are in the gym! Better leave! [Everyone leaves]
[Bubble transition to outside]
SpongeBob: I don't need treadmills! I can run outside!
Patrick: Careful, SpongeBob! I've heard people who run outside are over 1,000 times more likely to get attacked by a sea bear than those who run inside using a treadmill!
SpongeBob: Patrick, a 1,000 times increase for a ridiculously tiny risk isn't much.
[Starts running, but immediately falls down and starts writhing]
SpongeBob: AAH!! 12 simultaneous cramps! Aaaaahhh!!!!
Patrick: This is why I never exercise.
SpongeBob: ow come this didn't happen when I was on the treadmill? Makes no logical... Aaaaah! No logical sense! Somehow even my NOSE has a cramp!
Patrick: Another reason not to have a nose.
[Bubble transition to Milkshake Barn]
SpongeBob: Hey, do you sell Protein Shakes?
Cashier: We have over 1,000 flavours. Let me check my list. Hmm... Aardvark flavour, Actinium flavour, Aftershave Flavour, Air Flavour, Aluminium flavour...
SpongeBob: Hurry up!!
French Narrator: 20 minutes later
Cashier: Pork flavour, Pringles flavour... Ah! Protein shakes.
SpongeBob: Great! [Tastes it] Eww! This tastes like mud, vomit, sweat, and Christmas dinner that was left out for 2 weeks all mixed together!
Cashier: How do you know how that tasted like??
SpongeBob: [Chokes the shake down] Urrgh! I need something to take the taste away. Do you sell chocolate shakes.
Cashier: Let me check my list. We have Aardvark flavour...
SpongeBob: Forget it. [Walks out]
[Bubble transition to Friday. The race begins outside SpongeBob's house]
Fred: Har har! I've taken so many steroids, I figured out I have a 0.0995% chance of getting hospitalised as a direct result. I'm not willing to go above 0.1%.
SpongeBob: I've been working out for over 25 seconds every day!
Fred: I've read medical journals to figure out the most beneficial parts of my legs to work out on!
SpongeBob: I've read half a "Supa Fast Guy" comic and played Level 7 of the video game Super Speed Sammy as research!
Fred: I've deliberately chosen aerodynamic clothes for the race!
SpongeBob: I... you got me there. I'm wearing a shirt I recycled from the laundry bin and shorts I borrowed from Patrick.
Fred: I...
SpongeBob: Do you mind speeding things along? This is very boring. I wanna get to the race.
Fred: Oh, OK. Sorry. 3... 2... 1... GO!!
[They both run off. Bubble transition to Bubble Bass's house]
Bubble Bass: [Taking a bath] Rub a dub dub, three fish in a tub. 
[SpongeBob and Fred crash in]
Bubble Bass: AAAAH!! Is this the FBI??? I'm not guilty! I swear I never took a bite out of that guy's Krabby Patty while he was using the bathroom!
SpongeBob: Relax. Our race route takes us through your house. [They both run out the window]
Bubble Bass: And I thought today couldn't get any weirder...
[Cut to Squidward, who is painting outside]
Squidward: Ahh, my latest masterpiece! I call it, "Self Portrait #159,807,992"!
Passer-by: Wait, how is that even possible?? Have you painted a portrait every second for over 3,000 years??
Squidward: It's my numbering system, idiot! Last time's portrait was number 71,454,006.
[Fred runs past, almost knocking the painting over. Squidward catches it just in time.]
Squidward: Gaaah! SpongeBob! I... oh, you're not SpongeBob. Seriously, 999 times out of 1,000\frac{1}{2}, something bad happens, it's SpongeBob's fault. But I guess this time around I can't blame SpongeBob at all...
[SpongeBob runs through and knocks Squidward's painting to the floor]
Squidward: Gah! [Lifts the painting up. It is miraculously unharmed] Oh, good. It would be just my luck if... [He trips and drops the painting in some mud] Dammit!
[Bubble transition to the Stairs of Infinity. Two tourists are visiting and looking at a sign at the bottom]
Tourist #1: "The Stairs of Infinity was the longest ever set of stairs between March 25th 1994 until March 26th 1994 when an even bigger one was built. It contains 2,600 stairs." Yeesh, and they say this place has no real tourist attractions...
[Fred runs up it. SpongeBob follows soon after]
Tourist #2: Good luck to those two, that's all I can say.
[Bubble transition to the top of the stairs. Both SpongeBob and Fred are exhausted]
SpongeBob: [Gasp] Next time I plan a race, I'm planning it through the biggest elevator in Bikini Bottom!
Fred: OK, so now we have to go back down the stairs. At least it will be easier... [Starts running down the stairs]
SpongeBob: [Starts running down the stairs, but trips] Uh oh... [Falls down the stairs] Ow! Ow! Aaah!
[SpongeBob overtakes Fred doing this]
[Bubble transition to bottom of the stairs. SpongeBob ends up at the bottom]
SpongeBob: Ow! That hurt! [Looks up the stairs] Hey, I'm way ahead of Fred!
[SpongeBob continues running. Patrick Jr appears]
Patrick Jr: Hello SpongeBob! Would you like to buy some fake lottery tickets? These tickets are printed with yesterdays numbers. Hand them in to win the lottery!
SpongeBob: Let me see. [Looks at one] Hey, these are written in crayon! And they don't even have yesterday's numbers on them!
Patrick Jr: Too bad. You break 'em, you buy 'em.
SpongeBob: But I didn't break...
Patrick Jr: [Grabs the ticket off SpongeBob and rips it in half] You did now! That'll be $25,000. Will that be cash or...
[SpongeBob runs ahead anyway, running over Patrick Jr]
Patrick Jr: Ow...
[SpongeBob runs across the finish line]
SpongeBob: I WON!!!!
[Fred is revealed to already be there]
Fred: I don't think so.
SpongeBob: But how did you... When did you... I never saw you overtake...
Fred: Accept it, SpongeBob. You lost.
SpongeBob: Man....
[Patrick appears in a Fred costume, carrying its head] Man, why did you make me race SpongeBob while wearing this costume? And where did you drive off to just as I was starting the race?
Fred: Uh... I...
SpongeBob: [Gasps] You cheated??
Fred: No I didn't! I... OK fine, you win.
SpongeBob: Yay!
[Episode ends]
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