Misinformation Sub-Page: John Oliver

#Such was the response by Buglers to fill the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page with lies that the list became so large that it has become necessary to split up the entries into categories. This is not simply because the page became too big for some individuals to properly edit or view, but also because it would eventually get to the point where those people who foolishly try to read the whole list in one sitting would find their heads melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (This has been independently verified to be true by experts).
The following is the list contains all of the lies from the main page that deals with John Oliver. Please continue to add to it, if you feel so inclined.
*John Oliver has no sense of smell yet instinctually knows when dinner is ready. Scientists claim this may be due to some form
of radar developed after years of eating dinner at 6:45 sharp every single day.
* The John Oliver is a new Typhoon-class submarine in Sark's expansive navy.
* John Oliver taught Angus Young to duck walk, while Angus taught John how to throw shapes.
* John Oliver's mom has got it going on
* John Oliver is a rather expensive call-girl in Kansas City, Missouri
* "Land am razz newt" is one of a possible 648 anagrams of John's full name.
* After seeing John Oliver do lines off of "Diamond" David Lee Roth's left buttock, John Hughes was inspired to create the role of "Claire" in The Breakfast Club, thus starting a wave of burnout obsessed prudes in the '80s. Incidentally, the joke that Judd Nelson never finishes while crawling through the ceiling is one of John Oliver's earliest attempts at comedy and the punchline was less than great.
* John Oliver is located in the town of Kikombo on the Atlantic coast of Angola, where Rio Kikombo reaches the ocean, in the province of Kwanza-sul.
* Before her appearance on Top Of The Pops in 1999, Mariah Carey refused to perform her new single 'Heartbreaker' until she had finished counter-signing Celine Dion's recent mortgage application with The Woolwich building society, deeming a promise to a friend as more important that mere music televison. John Oliver was not involved.
* John Oliver has a 24" waist but wears size 14 shoes.
* If you were to count all the stray pennies and other small change on John Oliver's floor, you would have $229.38, along with £12.67, €1.44 and nineteen Canadian cents.
* In Rome 40 BC, Johnus Oliverus successfully defeated an enchanted lion at a game of slave chess (slaves are the chess pieces...obviously) and was cursed by an evil warlock known as Andyus Zaltzesur who was jealous of Johnus' prowess in the field. In an act of spite Andyus removed all the muscle from Johnus' body leaving him a scrawny thin rat-like creature. He also domed this curse on all of the descendants in the Oliverus family. And today we can witness first hand the truly heart-breaking results...
* Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually made entirely of chocolate and was brought to life with the helpful magic of a singing and dancing cricket named 'Jiminy'.
*John Oliver's well known walrus consort shot down the Archduke Franz Ferdinand in cold blood as a reprisal for a naughty phone message that he left for John.
* I'll just come right out and say it: Have you ever seen John Oliver and Nelson Mandela in the same place at the same time? I think you catch my drift.
* It is a well known fact that John Oliver’s stubble can light matches, and sing "The Banana King" in Spanish.
* John speaks fluent Braille.
* John Oliver invented jazz
* John Oliver is the highest mountain in the Southern Hemisphere with an average rainfall of 450 millimeters (17.7 inches).
* John Oliver has recently confessed to being part of the conspiracy to present the moon as real rather than a large tarpaulin held aloft by helium balloons and propelled by malnourished pigeons.
* In episode 38 of The Bugle, John Oliver promised all listeners of the podcast a unicorn if they sent in a picture of themselves and he judged them "decent". Needless to say this was a lie. Why he lied no one knows. Some believe it was some form of anti-Semitism directed towards Andy's ankle although this is just an accusation and cannot be proven.
* John Oliver likes the Queen's butt and he cannot lie.
* John Oliver is a trained matador but only practices the sport in Rhode Island. Alas, Rhode Island is surprisingly bull-free.
* John Oliver's first foray into show business was his starring role as the baby in Jim Henson's Labyrinth. The experience left him with heavy psychological scarring and Mr. Oliver was eventually forced to leave Britain by Andy Zaltzman's penchant for bursting through the window of his flat at night wearing a Tina Turner wig and singing 'Dance, Magic Dance!' while juggling his crystal balls.
* John Oliver once lose a fistfight with Jimi Hendrix over a E diminished chord.
* Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually born in Birmingham, Alabama.
* John Oliver is secretly John Dawlish, Ex Auror of the Ministry of Magic who was famous for getting owned by Albus Dumbledore, Augusta Longbottom (Neville Longbottom's grandmother), and pretty much anyone with a wand. Andy on the other hand is probably a muggle who gets regular Memory Charms when the still punch drunk Dawlish forgets that not everyone needs to know about his pet Krup, Twitchy.
* John Oliver is not a real person, but in fact a character who has been perpetuated by a string of British comedians. When the reigning John Oliver grows so rich or disillusioned that he wants to retire, he calls his protégé into his office and shares his most closely-guarded secret: "I am not John Oliver," he says. "My name is Bruce; I inherited the podcast from the previous John Oliver, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real John Oliver either. His name was Geoffrey. The real John Oliver has been retired fifteen years and is living like a king in Patagonia."
* John Oliver is the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.
*John Oliver has a core temperature of 372°C (701.6 °F).
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*John Oliver has not exploded in 9.7 minutes.
*John Oliver has cabin fever, see muppet treasure island.
* John Oliver is a leprechaun who regularly consumes HGH and this has partially mutated him into a volcano.
* John Oliver is currently thinking about penguins.
* John Oliver once auditioned to be a back up dancer for MC Hammer, but he declined the resulting job offer because of an allergic reaction to the required spandex outfit.
* John Oliver is well adapted for digging, with short but powerful limbs and curved, thick claws. Unlike Zaltzman and other sciurids, Oliver's spine is curved, more like that of a mole, and the tail is comparably shorter as well – only about one-fourth of body length.
*John Oliver found the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time.
*"John Oliver" is Sanskrit for "Audio Cryptic Crossword".
*It isn't your fault Mum and Dad divorced. It's John Oliver's.
* Cherie Blaire is really John Oliver in drag. Give it up John. It's not a good look and you’re not fooling anyone that Cherie is a real woman.
* Had John Oliver been alive, he would have assassinated Hitler at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with a poison tipped javelin, thus preventing the Holocaust and World War II. Needless to say, there's blood on your hands Mr. and Mrs. Oliver, for not birthing John in sufficient time.
* Chuck Norris is afraid of John Oliver.
* John Oliver is the basis of the character Snake in Metal Gear Solid after several successful missions in the former eastern bloc.
* John Oliver is rumoured to have been one of the backers of an imperialist coup in Zaire.
* John Oliver is the basis for the character Uncle Monty in the cult comedy Withnail and I after coming on to the writer.
* John Oliver is rumoured to have groped former education secretary, Ruth Kelly.
* John Oliver is rumoured to be Morrisey dressed up as Groucho Marx.
* Following successful acceptance into the Special Boat Service (SBS) in 1983, John Oliver (aka Brian "Soapdish" McFerris) saw lengthy action behind enemy lines in Northern Ireland during the troubles. While battling the IRA, John took the time to open several RNLI lifeboat stations. John's current mission is to infiltrate US borders by any means possible and gather intelligence of American operations. Currently under the cover of a British comedian, John is on the verge of calling an end to the mission after going on record as saying, "There is no intelligence to be found anywhere in America". This being his last mission in the SBS, John is now looking at a new life as a hermit.
* Due to a childhood injury, John Oliver is unable to turn left.
*John Oliver is one of the hidden characters in the upcoming Mortal Kombat game.
*John Oliver is an anagram of Cottage Pie.
* John Oliver is set to play the Eleventh Incarnation of Doctor Who.
* John Oliver is every member of the Weather Girls, and "It's Raining Men" was originally entitled "It's Raining Nightingale", purely on a dare from Andy Zaltzman.
* John Oliver founded Luxembourg while on a bender with his pals from the Bedford Youth Theatre.
* John Oliver plays Louise Summers in 'Hollyoaks' and has also had a cameo in 'One Tree Hill'.
* The Royal John Oliver Museum is on the third floor of the Empire State Building, next to the Starbucks.
* John Oliver consumes five human hearts and three solar flares each morning. When asked why, he remarked on the incredible amount of calories he burns each week recording the Bugle while swimming laps across the Pacific Ocean.
* After criticizing Will Ferrell's Chelsea FC jersey, Chelsea fans all around the world have placed a price for his head, so it can be used as the official Chelsea mascot, and whenever Chelsea wins a game, beer will be poured from his head, and when a goal is scored, his lifeless body will be hoisted as a banner of triumph.
* John Oliver recently hired Flavor Flav as his bodyguard.
* Every time you open a ring-pull can, John Oliver's hair grows an inch.
* John Oliver sang 'It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time' as he shot down Ghandi in cold-blood.
* John Oliver has a secret obsession with the letter 'P,' which began after a short layover in San Diego, Calif.
* John Oliver can crush walnuts with his ass cheeks... just don't try his spiced nuts at the Christmas party.
* Next fall, John Oliver will pose as a Yale undergraduate solely for the purpose of being taught by Tony Blair.
* John Oliver is really in the United States because the British government has labeled him dangerous, due to his paranoid hallucinations and obsessive-compulsive Catholicism when within close proximity to the Pope. "The further John is from the Vatican, the safer for us all," one official says.
* In his spare time, John Oliver enjoys eating pretzels, clubbing baby seals and burning the crossword page of the New York Times.
* John Oliver is known for his bad temper. In fact, his anger often takes the form of a hurricane. In 2005 he ravaged the city of New Orleans because he'd recently been on vacation there and experienced poor service at a French Quarter eatery. Most recently, John inexplicably boiled over with rage and formed Hurricane Gustav, which has left thousands in the Louisiana area without power. At the moment, the reason for John's anger is unexplained. It may or may not have something to do with Fernando Torres' recent hamstring injury.
* John Oliver's first words were "Destwoy! Destwoy!".
* John Oliver can safely bend a squirrel's spine into any shape he chooses with his bare hands.
* Unbeknownst to either presenter, John Oliver is the love child of Hugo "crackers from Caracas" Chavez and Eva "Evita" Peron, and the Bugle is in fact secretly funded by rogue elements of the Venezuelan and Uzbek governments.
*John Oliver once had an orgasm so thunderous and fiercely intense, it shattered the sound barrier and sunk a small city. That city? Atlantis.
* John Oliver is most famous for tricking Bill Roberto, a small old and mean tempered Welsh man into playing him in a game of chance that Bill clearly had no hope of winning. Although John did not claim the wager of 2 groats and a hollowed out parsnip, Bill's facade of authority and power was shattered, and the townsfolk who watched the competition with awe and confusion reduced Bill to a local figure of ridicule.
* John Oliver has previously had a number of aliases including Jordan the Giant Jay eater of the Mid-West, Sigourney the Syndicator, and most famously Martina the Womble Worrier. The latter being the most unusual as John has a morbid fear of wombles after the famous Top Of The Pops incident in 1984.
* Once, when he was very small, John Oliver was visited in a dream by Chuck Norris himself. Though the contents of the dream are unknown, immediately afterwards John started preaching the word ("orang-utan") of satire and biting sarcasm. Andy was once visited in a dream by a rabid woodchuck, and now winces whenever someone mentions the words "beaver", "chainsaw", "toothpick", or "lorry."
* John Oliver can predict all of the 6 o'clock news's headlines at five minutes to 6, from any news service in any time zone. Andy does not believe him.
* John Oliver was recently hounded through the Bronx by a herd of angry impala that mistook him for Andy Zaltzman, wrongly assuming him to be the Jewish one.
* John Oliver has never eaten lasagne.
* John Oliver MBE (born 8 December 1966[1] in Paddington, London) is a former English footballer. He is best known for his time at Queens Park Rangers, Newcastle United and Tottenham Hotspur during which period his powerful and elegant centre forward play and ability in the air resulted in a number of appearances for England. He became the first player to score for 6 different Premier League clubs. He is the cousin of current Premiership players Rio and Anton Ferdinand and his son Aaron currently plays for Harrow Borough in the Isthmian League. Popularly nicknamed Sir Les, he was made an MBE in the 2005 Queen's Birthday Honours List.
* John Oliver is a mammal in the order Carnivora. It is the sole surviving member of the family Odobenidae, one of three lineages in the suborder Pinnipedia along with true seals (Phocidae), and eared seals (Otariidae). It primarily lives in the high branches of the arboreal forest, subsisting on pencils and other office supplies.
* John is not really broadcasting his half of the Bugle from the USA, his hidden location is part of an elaborate scheme to assassinate Margret Thatcher and thus make her eligible to be a 'Hottie From History'.
*During WWII, John was extremely torn between the United States and Japan, due to his samurai ancestry. He ran away to England to escape the decision, but if you look closely at pictures of him in his military uniform, it is obvious he is wearing his favorite samurai sword.
* In Episode 44 John Oliver admits that he was broadcasting while naked in bed. What he failed to mention is that he was that also in his bed was 2 hijras, 3 she-males, a goat, a dwarf and Rob Riggle. (Go John!)
* John Oliver was born Hymie Rabinowitz
* John Oliver was once one of the most renowned seducteurs in the world and was used as the basis for James Bond by his old friend Ian Fleming. John felt so betrayed by this plagiarism that he has never used his charms again.
* John Oliver was a long time member of the Alaska Independence Party until it was revealed that he was the president North American Moose Bugler Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is popularly known.
* John Oliver has been cast as "Guy Watching" in every pornographic film he's auditioned for.
* John Oliver once drew a triangle whose angles added up to 217 degrees.
* During the Republican National Convention, John Oliver disguised himself as a moose in order to get Sarah Palin to confess her plans for world domination. Assuming the plan was a success, John will now be tweaking her ideas in order to create his own plan for world domination.
* Palin, who is not known for her intelligence, mistook the man in a moose costume for an actual moose. She shot John in cold blood. Upon realizing what had happened, the Republican Party, in collaboration with Andy, and John's "friends" at the Daily Show, decided to elaborately cover up John's death. Both Jon Stewart and Andy Zaltzman knew their respective shows could not survive the loss of such a popular and talented correspondent/Bugle host. Unfortunately, the vast majority of John Oliver fans have fallen for this cover-up, but the attentive listener/viewer can pick up subtle clues in the Bugles and in the imposter's appearances on the Daily Show. At the end of Episode 52, Andy moans what sounds like "John! John! John!" in the background. Episode 44.1 is 25:05 minutes long, and John is gone for the second half of the show (this is the episode immediately following the RNC Episode). The numbers 2, 5 and 5 add up to 12, which is the exact time John was shot by Palin. Also, if played backwards, Andy can be heard crying during his reading of the poem "Requiem for a Buglewaite". As for Daily Show appearances, one need only watch the famed "Magic Wall Conspiracy Thriller" which is not only riddled with deathly symbols, but also features "John" running for dear life. No one is sure who the man impersonating John is, but some fans believe it is someone named either Brett Sonenshine or Jose Garvacio Artigas.
* John Oliver is the secret father of Trig Palin.
* John Oliver has a raging rash from that moose costume he wore for four days in St. Paul. The doctors say it is not fatal, but may be a chronic condition.
* God is not pleased with John's massive collection of jokes about the pope. Therefore, John will be punished by being repeatedly reincarnated as a white, early 90's rapper.
* John was offered leading roles in Pride & Prejudice, Les Miserables, The Phantom of the Opera, and Lord of the Rings, but turned them all down, saying that he "didn't think that they would help his comedic career." Bad move, Oliver.
* Andy once dated celebrity chef Tyler Florence in order to get closer to having dated Florence Nightingale. There was a messy, high-profile breakup, and neither of the two will talk about it.
* John filled in for the Dalai Lama for three days at the tender age of five. Being the spiritual leader of a nation of people became too much, causing John to revert to sucking his thumb. This would continue for the next 20 years.
* In a new poll John Oliver was said to be the American people’s first choice for president until he opted out during the California primaries.
*Andy was accused of provoking the Russian invasion of Georgia when, as an offhand remark in 1996, he said that the egg he was eating near the border of Georgia and Russia would taste much better in Georgia. The sheer influence of Andy's opinions led to Vlad Putin deciding to invade Georgia just 12 years later. Andy was forced to testify at the Hague but was acquitted of all charges after 12 hours of deliberation.
* John Oliver's rapping name is Wyatt Cenac, a fact known to annoy his Daily Show colleague.
*John Oliver liked Su Doku before it became popular and now thinks the game has 'sold out'.
* John Oliver is bringing sexy back. It took a lot of convincing to get it to come home after it was scared away by Johnny Depp.
* Carmen Sandiego once took John Oliver for a ride on a slow boat to China.
* John Oliver's genitals were going to be included in four different categories in the new edition of the Guinness Book Of World Records until it was discovered that the submission was not in fact his genitals, but instead a half eaten Snickers candy bar.
* John Oliver has admitted several times to having conversations with Jesus. However, John has stated that he has learned nothing of interest because he dominated the conversations with exhaustive descriptions of his favorite routes to work.
* John Oliver occasionally channels the spirit of Rick James, as seen in a "funky" interlude in Episode 14.
* On Mondays John Oliver can hear "Scrubs" actor Zach Braff in his head, narrating his life.
* In 1986, John Oliver volunteered to be dissected by a frog as part of his work with the equality branch of the RSPCA.
* John Oliver, or as he is better known, John Oliver is not the stig
* John Oliver is a British comedian who co-hosts a Times Online podcast and regularly appears on the American cable news parody show "The Daily Show." He is swarthy and dedicated to somewhat theoretical humor. (Lies! All of it, lies! John Oliver is actually ... my God, he's at the door. Run, Maragret, run!!!! (end transmission)
* John Oliver recently kneed Christian Bale in the groin after the guttural Batman wandered through the Ask an American feature of The Bugle. Oliver also suggested that the unhinged actor should "stick to one f***ing accent."
* John Oliver was named after the well known Mr J. Oliver, the first hedgehog to run for American president whilst simultaneously inventing gravity and had the uncanny ability of moving between different dimensions where he would make "Your Mum" jokes about the late great Andy Zaltzman.
* Mr. Oliver has his own personal pedicurist. However, because he doesn't want people to know about the obsession he has with having perfectly groomed feet at all times, his pedicurist is very tiny, and slips conveniently into his pocket.
*Historians now believe the song "You're So Vain" (previously thought to have been written by Carley Simon) was actually composed by John Oliver and sent back in time through some sort of temporal vortex. The song's lyrics are all heavily veiled references to Oliver's dislike of cryptic crosswords, audio or otherwise.
* English is Mr. Oliver's second language. His mother tongue is Scouse, which is the language spoken by the distinctive species of ruminant found only in the Mersey Estuary region.
* John Oliver is a descendant of John Morrison Oliver (1828–1872), USA Civil War Union Brigadier General, whose hideously bloated corpse was photographed by the famous Civil War battlefield photographer, Matthew Brady. The only plausible explanation for Oliver's success in America is that Civil War reenactors control the media and thus Oliver's distinguished lineage has opened doors for him that otherwise would have been closed to someone with his level of talent.
* John Oliver ovulates whenever he thinks of Britain.
* John Oliver is pregnant and wants to sell baby photos to tabloids to fundraise for The Bugle.
* John Oliver is the father of Nadya Suleman's octoplets. Andy confirmed this fact by issuing the statement: "Yes, he's the Octo-daddy!"
* John Oliver is the fiddler on the roof.
* John Oliver is Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Faerie, The Toilet Whirlpool, The Garden Gnomes, and The Tiny Little Man in your garage that makes your garage door go up and down. Your parents lied to you, its not electricity, it's John Oliver!
* John Oliver is a talented actor
*John Oliver is able to distinguish over 2,423 different smells.
*John Oliver is the man on the grassy knoll, but he was there only because of a blind date that skipped out on him for a larger, more attractive Stop Sign.
*A completed Audio Cryptic Crossword was discovered in John's flat in June 2009, in his audio-handwriting. A hearing is underway.
*WARNING TO ALL READERS: None of the statements on this site about John Oliver are true. In fact, there is no statement about John that is, or can ever be true. Like many popular kings, pundits, politicians and other entertainers, John suffers from a condition known as polyinfidelisis meaning he is not a physical being but is composed entirely of a conglomeration of lies, propaganda, and deliberate misinformation. Every entry to this seemingly innocent site only adds to his already vast supplies of power. I beg you all: STOP! STOP ADDING TO THE SITE NOW! BEFORE IT'S TOO LANDSFAL;GFG K'G FJ;KLKFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
*A note to my fans: Ignore the preceding message. The man who wrote it was clearly insane and has died of natural causes. There is nothing to fear. Continue adding to the site and everything will continue according to plan ... er ... everything will be fine. - John Oliver
*John Oliver's Eating Strawberry Laces was the first animation to be seen through a zoetrope in 1867.
*Over 93 percent of Emperor Penguins are, in fact, John Oliver.
*John Oliver has an enormous penis and is currently getting laid by all the authors of this wikipage
*John Oliver once fought for three days with an arrow through his testicle.
*John Oliver still votes for the SDP
*They call him MISTER Tibbs
*John Oliver constructed and flew an experimental 12 winged 'dodeca-plane' (nicknamed 'The Hungry Titanium Beef-Walrus' due to it's swiftness and agility), during the first world war as part of the Serbian air force. He reached an altitude of almost 40ft, and saw the demise of numerous enemy pilots (in the film Top Gun on his in-cockpit entertainment system). After colliding heavilly with an unautherized budgie, his propellers were knocked into a horizontal position, and the hellicopter was invented. Unfortunately, the workers at the patent office thought he was a prick and stole the idea out of spite.
*John Oliver and actor Willem Dafoe dominated the hoops of Venice Beach CA. as a dynamic duo of talented basketballers from the the late 80's until 1996 when an incident at a Black Angus in San Diego separated the two who have not talked since.
*John Oliver has an uncredited role as executive producer of Joseph Hadyn's Symphony No.20 in C Major, rumours suggest he may have also played the Sea Organ during one of the live recordings yet it was kept out of the final edit after Hadyn took to a new direction of classical music rather than tropical Jazz.
*In the universe that spawned John Oliver 2+2=Blue
*John Oliver is ironically also the name of a bizarre sexual position popularized in Zimbabwe involving a soapstone bird carving, an albino carrot, chocolate sauce and Robert Mugabe.
*John Oliver is Facebook friends with Adolf Hitler's great great-niece Emily Elizabeth Hitler.
*John Oliver secretly is suprisingly good at twerking with his glorious derrière 
Fuck you Chris
Category:Misinformation