TDAS episode 1: Heroes vs. Villains

(Opening Credits)
(Zoom in to Camp Wawanakwa, cut to Chris on the still rickety Dock of Shame)
Chris: Welcome to Total Drama All-Stars. After my involuntary yearlong vacation... I really need to be in a familiar environment, surrounded by the people I love ...to hurt. (Evil laugh) It's a condition of my parole. Except for the hurt part, eh, that's all McLean! (Strolls down to the edge of the dock, where the Drama Machine from season 3 is waiting, along with a familiar briefcase) So, I'm bringing back 36 TD All-Stars to battle it out in the most dangerous, death-defying, Ten Million Dollar competition, ever! (The robot holds up the open case, where the wind blows a few bills away. Chris then addresses an incoming helicopter) and here they are now! From Revenge of The Island, Say hello to...
(The door to the chopper reveals an apprehensive looking MIKE)
Chris: -Multiple Mike! (A hand shoves Mike off the chopper) AKA, Chester, (Mike gasps, switching personalities) –Svetlana (He gasps, switching personalities again) Vito, (His hair slicks back and his eyes narrow) and Manitoba. (Mike seemingly reverts to normal, though Manitoba's scream of “Crikey!” gives him away. He splashes into the water) Mike's crush, pushover turned powerhouse, Zoey. 
(ZOEY looks worried for Mike)
Zoey: Huh, Mike! (Dives)
Chris: Athletic non-supporter, Lightning!
(LIGHTNING, with his hair still white, looks down at Zoey)
Lightning: You call that a dive? Watch this! (Prepares to dive) Sha-ugh! (Gets booted off by Chef’s foot)
Chris: Bubble-Boy brainiac, Cameron.
(Chef holds CAMERON by his hoodie)
Cameron: This is highly illogical! (Chef tosses Cameron out the door)
Chris: The official gamer, Sam.
(SAM, who playing video game)
Sam: Not, (when Chef drop) Cooooooooooool!
Chris: Princess of the spin-off show, Dakota!
(DAKOTA, she is normal at Chef throw away)
Dakota: Hey! Let me,, Gooooo
Sam: I got you Dakota (Sam save Dakota at the helicoper)
Chris: Private Pants-Wetter, Brick! (BRICK scoots to the door) DIVE FOR IT, MAGGOT!!!
Brick: (Salutes) SIR! YES, SIR! (Dives without protest)
Chris: Challenge throwing dirt farmer, Scott!
(SCOTT [now out of the trauma chair from season 4] clings to Chef’s leg in fear. Until Chef pries him off and tosses him out. Chef walks back and grabs DAWN)
Chris: aura-reading beetle whisperer, Dawn.
Dawn: (Looks back at Chef before he can toss her out) you felt unloved as a child, you poor soul. (Chef’s eyes dart back and forth, then he hastily tosses her out. Rushes back in, dragging ANNE MARIA by her arms)
Chris: tan-in-a-can helmet-head, Anne Maria, who gave up a MILLION DOLLARS for a phony diamond!
Anne Maria: (Scowling) if my hair get’s messed up, you’re getting a beat down, Chris! (Chef tosses her out)
Chris: Bossy bruiser, Jo, who dominated until her underling turned on her.
(JO resists Chef shoving her out, and shoves him back)
Jo: You're a dead man, McLean! (Chef body-slams her off the copter)
Chris: (Chuckles evilly) And now, with other, this season 5 have each parts you know, The greatest, smarted and living student, Felix.
(FELIX, which is now understood and jump off.)
Chris: The worst Critical Judge, Kerrigan.
(KERRIGAN, while she scared to jump while Chef pushes with MICHAEL and MACLORE)
Chris: Oh yea, Fliping Junk, Michael and player who quit the show, Maclore. The great constetant, Quinn and unfurious some taked for Felix, Brunt.
(QUINN and BRUNT, appears in helicoper, when Chef tosses these two)
Chris: And, from the original cast... Cranky know-it-all CIT, Courtney! (Chef walks out, carrying COURTNEY by her ankle)
Courtney: This is not in my contract! (Chef glares and drops Courtney)
Chris: Courtney's bestie turned boyfriend stealer, Gwen! (Chef carries GWEN over his shoulders, tosses her down too)
Gwen: (Free-falling) He said he wasn't her boyfriend at the tiiime!
Chris: Broody bad boy, Duncan.
Duncan: (Free-falling, not even looking like he cares) Bring it on!
Chris: Devious Diva, Heather!
Heather: (Free-falling) I hate Chriiiis!
Chris: Loveable lamebrain, Lindsay. 
Lindsay: (Free-falling, flapping her arms) I'm flying! (Stops flapping and screams)
Chris: Super fan, Sierra! Total Drama's number one stalker- Uh, blogger!
Sierra: For Cody! (Cannonballs, sending the other contestants scattering, and causing a slightly less massive splash)
Chris: (with a more malicious grin) Feral freakshow, Ezekiel!
(Chef drops EZEKIEL by his hoodie)
Ezekiel: Hey, i just try to jump ooooooooout!
Chris: (laughing) All right, Big fat's crazy girlfriend, Izzy.
(IZZY, who is bitting Chef and tosses on)
Chris: My hater, Vin.
(VIN, who watching until Chef pushes)
Vin: Aw hell no.
Chris: The girl failed who made 3rd place of Total Drama Action, Saki.
(Chef carries SAKI over his shoulders, tosses her down too)
Saki: (Free-falling) This is for the last strrrraaaaaaw!
Chris: Musican with a crazy number nine obsession, Trent!
Trent: (Free-falling) It's just my quirrrkkk!
Chris: Famous Hot Girl, Emiko!
Emiko: (Free-falling) Looking me i just a sexy princess!
Chris: dodge ball-dodging Cody-kisser, Noah.
Noah: (Free-falling) once again, life throws me a big f- (a bowling ball is dropped on him, making him scream and fall faster)
Chris: Good right player of TDI, Justin.
(JUSTIN, who jump out of helicopper)
Chris: Duty geek-nerd, Harold.
(HAROLD appear, when Chef tosses and he scream)
Chris: Scary, short-temper, Eva!
(EVA appear too when she jump and dive)
Chris: Super star contestant, (Chef walks out, carrying BLAINELEY by her ankle) who being ruined my show, Blaineley!
Blaineley: Chris McLean, you are bitch! (Chef glares and drops Blaineley)
Chris: (Chuckles evilly), The person of Total Drama Freaks, Al.
(ALEJANDRO, appears and look somepoint)
Alejandro: My name is Alejandro!!! (Gets booted off by Chef’s foot)
(While Alejandro haves fallen, when he see Heather for reason love)
Alejandro: I miss you.
Heather: (smile)
Chris: 300-pound bag of farts and fun, and first ever Total Drama Winner, Owen!
(Everybody gasp while is scared for Owen is jumped out and causing a gigantic splash)
Justin: Uh oh
Kerrigan: I don't thinks so.
Gwen: Why?
Quinn: Cause he right here on now!
(Chef tries to shove OWEN through the door)
Owen: for the love of Monte-Cristo! Don’t make me jump again! (Chef holds what looks like a cattle prod) hey is that a cattle prod? (Chef jabs him in the butt with the prod, making him inadvertently jump and scream in pain)
Duncan: INCOMING FART BOMB!! (The contestants scatter before Owen lands in the water, causing a gigantic splash)
Chris: (sighs happily) Man, it's great to be back!
(Cut to the coast of the beach, everyone washed up on shore groaning in pain, except Owen)
Owen: (Cheering) WHOO-HOO!!!! All-Star fucking season!! It’s like a big family reunion! (Chuckles) man, this is just….
Zoey: (Excitedly, wringing out her hair) ooh, ooh! I know this! Awesome?
Owen: (Gasps) she knows my shtick! WHOOOO!!! Are you gonna be on my team?
Zoey: aww, I sure hope so! Oh this is gonna be so amazing! Getting to compete with the old players, ooh I can’t wait!
Izzy: Hell god dammit Owen, you such an fucked out! And most important why are here?
Sam: I don't remind for part 2, i quess is on new.
Dawn: (Meditating on a rock stroking a crab on the shell) yes, I also cannot wait to begin another season. And do not fear, Owen, I am sure Izzy misses you almost as much as you miss her. (Everyone looks at Owen)
Owen: (Nervously) how’d you know about that!? Uh I mean uh, I don’t miss Izzy! Or that cute green outfit she wears everyday, or the cute way her nose wrinkles when she’s laughing crazily, or the cute little squeak she makes when she’s punching Chef, or…
Noah: (Slapping the side of his head, forcing water out the other ear) or the oh-so sexy way she crushes your kiwis? Wow, I hope you two decide to hitch it up, you two could honeymoon while you’re in a coma. (Owen winces)
Izzy: Hey, i just love him.
(Confessional: Trent)
Trent: I just wrong idea with her, cost all my fault, got every lies for two years, even Ezekiel for reason.
(Confessional: Ezekiel)
Ezekiel: I didn't even wanna come back to this show! Last year, i just proof it, while ago i just finaly healing, in season 3, causing for how i became all along and i just want money.
(Confessional: Owen)
Owen: I know dating Izzy was dangerous, but I can’t help it! I still feel guilty after wanting to break up with her in Jamaica… before the plane landed on her and made her super smart making her dump me. Ooh, I hate being this tense! I can’t eat normally when I’m this tense!! (Chomps on a half-eaten cheese wheel, looks awkwardly at camera) …if I was myself, this cheese wheel would have been digested by now!!
Izzy: (appear in window) Hey Owen! Quess what, i just made crazy dumb girl in the world and most i kick your balls, every who knows what just evil im.
Owen: Remind me crazy, Izzy, i just love you so much.
(Cameron knocking is heard from outside)
Cameron: Hey, just please hurry up, i got big umplod!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Walks along the beach, the robot wheeling behind him) Greetings, old friends.
Heather: (coughs up a starfish, throws it away) I am not your friend!
Lindsay: Aw, somebody misses her Hunny-Bunny! (Hugging Heather’s head)
Heather: Hey wait the minute (Shoves Lindsay off) Why robot is here.
Duncan: yeah, whatever you say, “Hunny-bunny.” (He and Gwen snicker, Courtney glaring at them)
Brunt: I just ask for reason that robot.
Felix: Aw yea, some person inside or something.
Sam: Hey I not sure what could be.
Alejandro: These dumb fools call me Al, and i just love her.
Courtney: (Now glaring at Chris) You're gonna pay for my dry cleaning.
Chris: No I'm not; new contracts, 'member?
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: Same old Chris, same old disgusting island. (Flicks a fly out of her way) What was I thinking?
(Confessional: Justin)
Justin: Hey, this robot is something is another, i just wonder?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: In fact, we've got a lot of big changes for this season. For one, the island is now 100% toxic waste free! (Everyone sighs in relief) BUT, a lot of the toxic beasts are still running around the island somewhere, like… oh say… Scott’s old buddy FANG!!!
(Scott freezes up and starts shivering in fear)
Chris: (He and the robot move to a large TV screen) On the upside, I've upgraded the accommodations. (The TV shows one of the normal cabins) This season, the losers still have to sleep in the crappy old cabins. (The campers moan) but, on the plus side, breakfast will be delivered to said cabin personally.
Owen: ooh! See that doesn’t sound so bad.
Chris: -specially prepared by Chef! (Owen screams in terror and passes out. The TV then reveals a larger and nicer hotel) But, the winners get to stay in the all-new, eco-friendly McLean Spa Hotel! Complete with butler, hot tub, and 24 hour masseuse. (Mike, Cameron, Scott, and Heather cheer) And in honor of your All-Star status, I'm dividing you into teams based on your past performances: (Grins) Heroes vs. Villains.
Michael: The shit, Heroes and Villains?
Vin: This is new, can you make Heroes first.
Chris: OK.
(Confessional: Heather)
Heather: Obviously I'll be on the villain’s team. And I'll be running it by lunch.
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: Heroes vs. Villains? (Sighs) Guess Duncan and I won't be on the same team, unless Chris considers Duncan a hero. (Chuckles) Yeah right.
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Brick, Cameron, Dakota, Dawn, Emiko, Felix, Gwen, Harold, Justin, Lindsay, Mike, Noah, Owen, Quinn, Saki, Sam, Sierra, Trent and Zoey. From now on, you're the Heroic Hamsters!
Emiko: Excuse me, how are hamsters heroic?
Chris: It was that, or the Heroic Hippos.
Sierra: (Defensively) Hamsters it is!
Courtney: Wait! This came be right! Gwen is should be villain, not hero.
Harold: That's why to make choices.
Courtney: But she stole my boyfriend and became the new Heather!
Noah: …quick poll, anyone care anymore?
Jo: nope.
Anne Maria: (Spraying her hair with hairspray) nuh-uh.
Lightning: sha-nope!
Gwen: Why can i become villain?
Trent: Cause your the goth, does means you got choices, but villains are awesome, you can try.
Duncan: That was me, i was idea with Gwen.
Courtney: What??! (growled in anger) So you made so stupid.
Gwen: Thanks Duncan, i did made without you.
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Moaning) Oh man, I only came back for Gwen! She better not sulk the whole time, or I might as well be dating Courtney. (Shivers) yeah right.
(Confessional: Gwen)
Gwen: (Sighs) honestly, I’m happy that Duncan and I are on the same team, really I am! He’s been nothing but great to me since the kiss in London. I just wish it didn’t mean labeling me as a villain! I mean ok I haven’t always had the best attitude but really, who would you rather be caught in an alley with, Heather or me?
(Confessional ends)
Chris: Alejandro, Anne Maria, Blaineley, Brunt, Courtney, Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel, Heather, Izzy, Jo, Kerrigan, Lightning, Maclore, Michael, Scott and Vin, you're the Villainous Vultures!
Lightning: (Cheering) Sha-team!
Eva: Now hold a second, why Vultures are villains.
Chris: Complains it attack.
Courtney: (In shock) No! This came be possible!
Harold: That's why Duncan make pranks for me! And this moment, you two make together, infact i vote for you.
Chris: (Smirks) Yeah, what he said.
Duncan: So this is how you vote to eliminated Courtney.
Ezekiel: I villain, not cool.
Chris: Look, you did have sexist comments against girls.
Owen: WHHHAAAAAT???? WHY IZZY BECAME VILLAIN!!
Chris: That's is for season 5, doesn't? Reminds me for her complains to crazy. Remember, you have very careful for her, cause she is anti-villain.
Heather: Wow, thaat's bad.
Jo: Wait a minute; We got have two anti-villains and they don't! No fair!
Vin: No thanks, i just don't want it.
Anne Maria: OK, you've done explaining why we're here, can we get started on the challange already?
Chris: I can't do that just yet, Anne Maria.
Kerrigan: Why not?
Chris: Because there is four supernatural contestants who joined the game.
Owen: Holy mona, supernatural.
Chris: Yes, let me tells for hero, introdutction, the greatest alien, Zardock.
Heather: (gasp horror) the alien!??!?!?!
Alejandro: Why alien doing in this show!
(An teleport appears at 10 seconds while ZARDOCK came out and everybody gasps)
Owen: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK!
Gwen: He get to became a hero as as,,,
Dawn: Pure good.
Saki: (scream)
Chris: Ooo, yes you do.
Harold: I never see that armor for my life before. 
(Confessional: Harold)
Harold: After whole years, Leshawna never compete of this show.
(Confessional: Sam & Dakota)
Dakota: Oh god, I just see that alien before, some reality came out from space.
Sam: Hey, I might be joined heroes team.
(Confessional ends)
Zardock: How to subspect for all future.
Quinn: His voice is kind familiar.
Chris: All right, let meet three villains come to party, let meet, Skeleton Maniac, Yrad (YRAD appears who is laughing), angry orge, Ret (RET appears as normal) and the ghost Russian, Natalie (Natalie appears at Anne Maria's body before she screaming), all three supernaturals into villains.
(Confessional: Ret)
Ret: I smught to people and I can pleased to help those cowards, infact will get that million dollar
(Confessional: Yrad)
Yrad: Some dead I dead, official I'm alive and BOOM, back to the dead and also I'll be villain right now.
(Confessional ends)
Noah: Hey, not fair.
Chris: That's my show, Noah. 
(Confessional: Dawn)
Dawn: Poor Heather, she is not aware that a great evil lurks within that robot; and alas, there is an even GREATER evil deep inside another. An evil I am not sure they are aware of!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Standing by the TV) This year's challenges all nod to classics from the past, but with harsh new twists to make this-
Gwen: “-the toughest Total Drama challenge ever?” Wasn’t that LAST year’s challenge?
Duncan: or the year before that?
Noah: getting a bit predictable there, McLean. (All the contestants laugh, earning a glare from Chris)
Chris: sure, laugh it up now. You’ll be laughing on the other side when the game starts. (Laughs evilly) Your first challenge? Find the key to the spa hotel, and you'll do it in a homage to Total Drama's first ever challenge. Cliff diving into water infested with ravenous sharks!
(Scott gulps)
(Confessional: Scott)
Scott: (In a fetal position, shaking in fear) Ooh... Ok, so maybe I have a phobia of sh-sh-sharks... Can you blame me? Ever since I got mauled by F-F-Fang last season, my fear of sharks got kicked up a thousand notches! ALL BECAUSE I STOLE HIS STUPID TOOTH?!?!!? I’m just glad I’m out of that trauma chair, I had an itch below the belt that I could NOT scratch, and it was driving! Me! CRAZY!!!!
(Confessional: Zoey)
Zoey: I feel terrible for laughing at Scott last season while he was in the chair. Sure he was a dirty jerk, but nobody who’s had to deal with Chris deserves that!
(Confessional ends)
Chris: (Motions to the monitor, as Chef kicks an intern off the cliff, sending him into the lake, swimming to grab the key, and making it back to the hotel) Once you dive into the water, try to avoid the sharks long enough to snag a key. And, choose wisely. Only one of those suckers is the real deal. Assuming you live long enough to reach dry land, a teammate will drive you to the hotel in one of the baby carriages from Season 3's 'Race Through Central Park'. (Walks over to a buggy driven by an intern, jumps in as the intern starts the buggy) First team to unlock the spa door wins. And, someone from team loser will be going home tonight. Meet me at the base of the cliff in fifteen minutes. Chop, chop! (The buggy drives off)
Mike: (Calling out) Wait, shouldn't we change into our swimsuits or something first?
Chris: (Shouting back) Sorry, no time!
(Cut to the teams walking through the woods, the heroes ahead of the villains, and Ret tagging alongside Jo)
Jo: Ugh, keep away from me!
Ret: What, does I tagging you!!!
Noah: (Looks around) ok, elephant in the room, I gotta ask; why is COURTNEY a hero?
Courtney: hey!
Owen: (Whispering to Noah) thank you for asking for me!
Courtney: well obviously I’m on the heroes because I’M a winner! And WINNING is a heroic thing! Besides, I am a victim of grand-theft BOYFRIEND!!! (Glares at Gwen, who winces) besides, I’ve done SOME heroic things!
Noah: yeah, the way you tried to kill everyone TWICE for money, yeah that’s REALLY heroic! (Duncan, Jo, and Scott snicker)
Courtney: (Glaring) but… but she stole my…
Noah: you pushed him away! You lost him! Get over it!!
Dawn: oh do not let it bother you; she is just this way because she was deprived as a child.
(Duncan and Gwen are secretly shocked)
Courtney: (Scoff) even if that was true, and I’m not saying whether it is or not, how could you possibly know that?
Dawn: your aura is an open, yet complex, book. Your depravity is right there with your fear of green jelly and your obsession to over-achieve. Ooh it’s all a lovely shade of burnt sienna. 
(Courtney gasps)
Dawn: And you Justin, your aura is being unrevealed for life.
(Confessional: Courtney)
Courtney: how does that hippie girl know about my color? (Growls) doesn’t matter! I’m NOT an over-achiever! And I’m gonna prove it by beating them all to the million dollars before they do! So (Blows a raspberry into the camera, then realizes) …don’t tell my lawyers I did that.
(Confessional: Felix)
Felix: I don't serious for Zardock, he came to help us, really, I was matter for my friends, except Dawn, she really nice and hot and love me or what?
(Confessional: Justin)
Justin: Last year, I lost girlfriend anymore.
(Confessional ends)
Mike: (Notices Anne Maria staring at him with a lusty smile on her face, looks nervously to Zoey) uh, Anne Maria keeps staring at me, it’s kinda freaking me out.
Zoey: wow, I think she’s waiting until you turn into Vito. It’s kinda sweet… and weird… and infuriating! I’m sorry, Mike, but out of all your personalities, I don’t really like Vito that much.
Mike: aww it’s ok, Zoey. Vito’s a bit of a pain, but he’s got a good heart… somewhere under the abs. But anyways, Anne Maria’s gonna have to keep on waiting; cus my heart goes to you, Zoey. (They both smile lovingly)
Lindsay: aww, that’s so cute!
Courtney: great, just what we need, more cute!
Anne Maria: (Mumbling, lagging way behind the villains) yeah, just keep smilin’ at him, Red! Once you’re outta the way, I’m gonna bag me some o’ that hunka Vito!
Jo: (calling out) HEY! TANZILLA! GET A MOVE ON!
Anne Maria: (Hurrying to catch up) hey! Don’t bust an artery, Blondie!!
Cameron: (walking alongside Sierra) hey, Sierra, it’s great to see you’ve fully recovered since season 3. But, what made you decide to come back?
Sierra: aww that’s so nice, Cameron. Well, I wanna win for Cody! We would have won last time, if I didn't accidentally blow up the plane... (Rubs her arm sheepishly)
Cameron: (awkwardly) Oh yeah… well your hair grew back nicely.
Sierra: Thanks! It's tough to be apart from my man, but it's too dangerous for him here! (Confidently) And I'm sure I can handle it long enough to win the million! 
Zardock: I don't care for these villains, infact one villain is Vin, for reason try to cheating.
(Confessional: Brick)
Brick: now that’s the kind of attitude I like to see on my team! Determined! Strong! Willing to leave behind the ones they love to win …FOR the ones they love. And who knows? Maybe she’s not as obsessed as everyone says she is.
(Confessional: Sierra)
Sierra: (Trying not to sob) I miss my Cody-bear... (She puts her head in her hands) So much!
(Confessional ends)
Heather: (shoving Jo out of her way) Excuse me!
Jo: Watch it, Old Heather!
Heather: You watch it, Newbie.
Anne Maria: (Shoves both of them) why don’t you pasties BOTH watch it?!
Heather: (Growls) shut it, diamond-head!
Jo: (Smirks) more like FAKE diamond-head!
Kerrigan: Ugh, guys; just because Chris labeled us villains, doesn't mean we have to act like villains. We're a team; we should work together as a team!
Michael: Well, let's started.
(The villains all give agreeing responses)
(Confessional: Heather)
Heather: (Scoffs) no way is that going to happen. I-
(Confessional: Jo)
Jo: Don't trust- 
(Confessional: Duncan)
Duncan: (Pointing to the camera) Anyone-
(Confessional: Scott)
Scott: On this-
(Confession: Courtney)
Courtney: Fucking.
(Confessional: Lightning)
Lightning: Team!
(Confessional: Eva)
Eva: With nerd.
(Confessional: Izzy)
Izzy: Idiotic hippi.
(Confessional: Ezekiel)
Ezekiel: Stupid soldier.
(Confessional: Yrad)
Yrad: Coward fat-man!
(Confessional: Michael)
Michael: Smart ass
(Confessional: Alejandro)
Alejandro: Pathetic children.
(Confessional: Kerrigan)
Kerrigan: Hot guy.
(Confessional: Maclore)
Maclore: That alien.
(Confessional: Vin)
Vin: FLutti hairs.
(Confessional: Natalie)
Natalie: (Angry Growling)
(Confessional: Brunt)
Brunt: And proposion person who read the book.
(Confessional: Anne Maria)
Anne Maria: Especially Sticks and Blondie!!!
(Confessional: Blaineley) 
Blaineley: (Smiling) Huh, I think that went well. 
(The screen splits to reveal all of them (Except Ret) laughing, the villains (excluding Blaineley) with fire behind them)
(Confessional: Ret)
Ret: (Shrugs) I don’t do evil laughter!
(Confessional ends)