Deathspider/Transcript

DEATHSPIDER THEME PLAYS WITH OPENING LOGOS
CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT
A lighter clinks. Cut to close-up of Deathspider smoking. He winds up a music box and places it on his desk. He presses the button starting the music box. "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply begins playing. Deathspider walks through his apartment. He knocks some cups over. He turns all of the dials on the oven on and breathes in the gas. He takes a Toaster Strudel out of a mini-oven and throws it across the room. He smokes again. Cut to a shot of a number of pictures on the wall of the apartment. Cut to Deathspider laying down on some barrels of gasoline and continuing to smoke. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes.
Deathspider: Fuck Spiderman. First, he swings into darker territory with Marc Webb. Then, the red and blue motherfucker breaks all our hearts in Into The Spider-Verse by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Spidey? I'm dying in this film series.
CUT TO: EXT. HONG KONG
Cut to a shot of a city. "X Gon' Give It to Ya" by DMX starts playing. The camera pans to Deathspider sitting on a rooftop as he narrates.
Deathspider: To understand why I took a cat-nap on twelve hundred gallons of high-test fuel, I need to take you back to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. I’d gone international, taking out mass murderers, gangsters, unspeakable monsters. People nobody would touch. Except me. I’m going to touch them all over.
Cut to inside the building. A man at a bar gets a phone call. He answers it.
Deathspider: Hey, it's Gail calling. Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.
Man: (In Cantonese) Whatever they’re paying, I'll double it.
Deathspider: I don’t speak Cantonese, Mister…
Cut to Deathspider. He looks at a business card with some Cantonese written on it.
Deathspider: Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so, (in Spanish) Where is the library? (In English) Which literally translates to, I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
Deathspider throws his phone away. He leaps off the building through the window of another building, kicking the man he was on the phone with. A number of men at a nearby table get up and point their guns at Deathspider.
Deathspider: Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's. I am so sorry. I thought this was an anal-bleaching party.
The men all shoot him. He jumps over the counter of the bar. He appears dead for a moment and the bartender begins to move. She jumps when he sits up, and he shushes her. Deathspider pretends to be dead when two of the gangsters look over the counter and consider it done. He takes her cigarette from her and puts it out.
Deathspider: Don't worry, you're not gonna die. But these will kill you. Hit it, Dolly.
“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton begins playing. Deathspider jumps back over the counter and pulls out his sword. He takes the men by surprise, killing them one by one.
Deathspider: I'm merely a vessel for the Lord. Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!
CUT TO: EXT. SICILY
Cut to a funeral. Deathspider sits up from the coffin and fires at the men in the audience.
Deathspider: Whoo! Do not go in there!
He then shoots a fleeing Mafioso with a money suitcase in the head and the suitcase loses the money all over the air.
Deathspider: Let's see Captain America do that.
CUT TO: INT. BILOXI
A stripper takes some money and leaves before another one comes out. The camera pans in on a party. The stripper is revealed to be Deathspider.
Deathspider: Too exotic?
Deathspider throws a business card on a table. All the nearby men get up and begin firing at Deathspider. He jumps down and begins killing them. When he's done, he slides back towards the stage entrance and the scene smoothly takes over to the Japanese sauna in Osaka.
CUT TO: INT. OSAKA
All the yakuza raise their swords and so does Deathspider.
Deathspider: (in Spanish) I don't bargain.
Deathspider sword fights with the men in a sauna, killing many of them. Some blood sprays in his eyes.
Deathspider: Oh, Fuck! Oh, Fuck, time out! Time out! Cut. Got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. Oh, that's so gross. Fuck.
He wipes his face. He looks up to see he’s using the towel of a man standing next to him.
Deathspider: Looks like you left a little landing strip there. I like it.
Deathspider: gets pierced by several swords, takes a short artistic break and then brutally kills the Yakuza members. The first one gets the sword in his throat, the next one holds his intestines in his hand and the third opponent also gets the sword through his throat. At the end Deathspider splits the skull of the first Yakuza with a swordstrike.
Deathspider: My world tour brought me home to this guy, Ivan Blagonravov.
CUT TO: INT GARAGE
Deathspider fights a number of men in a garage. Sergei runs away from the fighting. Chaos ensues as Deadpool continues to narrate.
Deathspider: But we'll get to him in a moment. 'Cause I know what you're thinking. "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire. That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? But this guy? He was one of the worst of 'em.
Ivan seals himself in a room. Deathspider looks up from the carnage. Sergei watches a security camera from inside as one of his men screams at him.
Man: Hurry up and open this fucking door, and let's kill this mother...!
Deathspider shoots the man, splattering his blood on the camera. Deathspider walks over, pulls up a nearby box to step on and reach the camera, and wipes the blood off the camera.
Deathspider: Ugh. So gross. A panic room? Really? Can you come out?
An alarm on Deathspider’s watch beeps.
Deathspider: I really have to go. It's my anniversary.
A large group of men enters behind Deadpool. He turns to them.
CUT TO: EXT. ALLEYWAY
A man is heard talking on the radio. Cut to inside a taxi in the alley. Waziri sits inside listening to the radio.
Man: Over and over, I hear people say, "I just don't have enough confidence." Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create. And you can create it at any moment in time. A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself. A sense of certainty that you can pull something off.
Deathspider runs to the taxi, followed by the large group of men, and leaps through the window.
Deathspider: Waziri! Start the fucking car!
Waziri screams and speeds away. The taxi exits the alley as the men stop chasing. Cut back into the taxi.
Deathspider: Whoo!
Waziri: Oh, I shit my pants.
Deathspider: Actually, that may have been me.
Waziri: Oh, mission accomplished?
Deathspider: Well, in a George W. Sort of way. Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.
Waziri: Oh, you're living the dreams, DS.
Deathspider: It has been quite the run, Waziri, and who'da thought? Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.
Deathspider looks to the camera
Deathspider: Passion of the Christ, then me. At least domestically. We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion.
Waziri: I do want to live the dreams, Death Boy. Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. I want to fill my-
Deathspider begins climbing into the front seat.
Deathspider: Pockets? What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online? I've never experienced that last one. Talk to me, Goose.
Waziri: I was going to say "soul.” I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Spider, sir.
Deathspider: Waziri. . .
Waziri: Hmm?
Deathspider: You never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home. A place in this world.
Waziri: I want to become a contract killer.
Deathspider: I'm sorry. What did you say?
Waziri: Remember when I kidnapped Abed and threatened him with great violence?
Deathspider: You kind of killed him.
Waziri: And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Deathspider: Don't want to.
Waziri: When Tom Cruise fed 12-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said, "I want some more." Oh, DS, picture me, a 12-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
Deathspider: I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here.
Waziri slams the brakes. Deadpool gets out of the cab, then comes back.
Deathspider: (groans) Waziri, it's me again. Look, a saner man might discourage you from joining the deadly merc business... what, with your concave chest and your paper towel tube arms. But you're an eagle... and goddamn it, an eagle's gotta soar. You gotta grab those dreams, grab those dreams by the dick-tip and make it rain!
Waziri: I don't know what that means.
Deathspider: Me neither (laughs). I'm gonna see you at the office. In the sky.
Waziri: You're my Tom Cruise!
Deathspider: And you're my Kristen Dunst! Kristen? Kirsten?
CUT TO: INT. MARKUS’ APARTMENT
Markus enters his apartment. Priscilla is sitting, waiting for him.
Markus: Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handi-capable children stuck in a tree, and I had to, uh...
Priscilla: Uh-uh.
Markus: You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.
Priscilla: No.
Markus: You got me. I was rounding up all the gluten in the world and launching to space where it can never hurt us again.
Priscilla: Try again.
Markus: Diarrhea? We can't be sure until I take the suit off, but all signs point to yes. Traffic? Hmm?
Priscilla breaks into a smile.
Priscilla: Kiss me like you miss me, Dad.
Markus: Well, come here.
Priscilla walks over and gives Markus a hug.
Markus: I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.
Priscilla: Don't you want your surprise?
Markus: Do I look like a patient burn victim? I got one for you, too.
They toss each other presents.