The Muppet Movie/Transcript

I'm Statler.
- I'm Waldorf.
We're here to heckle The Muppet Movie.
That's straight ahead, private screening room D.
- Private screening?
- They're afraid to show it in public!
Look at this place.
What a dump!
Bunch of weirdos around here.
Look at 'em.
- Yes, I know you all want to--
- Lady, is this seat taken?
What-- Hey, you!
Bring that back!
I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny,
I won't be able to live with myself.
Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?
I hear this movie is dynamite.
Get your fresh organic popcorn, only a buck.
- Buy me some, please.
- Sure, Mama.
- Nothin's too good for my woman.
- Woman! Woman! Woman!
- I like the movie fine so far.
- It hasn't started yet.
That's what I like about it!
Do it!
Oh, hey, Mr. Defrog!
Is it okay for me and my boomerang fish to be in your movie?
Hey!
I told you, Luke, not in the movie or at the screening.
Hey, but watch.
Kermit, does this film havesocially redeeming value?
I certainly hope so, Sam.
Sorry about that.
- Kermie!
- Hi, Piggy.
I tried to save you a seat, but somebody took it.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the first screening of The Muppet Movie.
But before we begin, I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to this film... starting with the little people, from the hairdressers... to special effects--
- That's enough of that, Harry!
- Blow it up! Blow it up!
To the costume designers, to the prop makers--
Speeches are not necessary, dear.
Roll the film.
But I'd like to thank everybody... for all of their hard work and patience--
Roll film! Roll film!
Roll film!
Excuse me.
Uncle Kermit, is this about how the Muppets really got started?
Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.
Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong
Wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think
we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably
Magic
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times
To ignore it
It's something
that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Help! Hello!
This is a serious call for help.
- Yeah?
- Someone help!
You with the banjo,
can you help me?
I have lost
my sense of direction.
Have you tried Hare Krishna?
No, I mean, I'm really lost!
One second.
Darn, I missed.
That's the first thing
to go on a frog, his tongue.
The tongue goes and you
can't catch flies.
I'm sorry about your tongue,
but I have to get out of this swamp.
- I have to catch a plane.
- With that tongue? No way.
- There's a boat dock just downstream.
- Thank you.
-Just watch out for the alligators.
- I will.
- Alligators?
- That's right.
- Did you say alligators?
- Read my lips-- alligators.
I'm not used to alligators
where I come from.
See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
- That's right.
- Did you say Hollywood?
- Read my lips-- Hollywood.
You know-- Hollywood
The dream factory. The magic store.
Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
Sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in.
Feast your eyes on that.
''World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs... wishing to become rich and famous.''
Thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
If I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration.
You've got talent, kid-- singin', tellin'jokes.
I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows?
You could make millions of people happy.
Millions of people happy.
Millions!
If you ever come west... to Hollywood, look me up--
Bernie, the agent.
Listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
- What!
- Arnie!
- Arnie, wait a minute. Careful.
- Stay! Stay!
Arnie, leave him alone.
He's from Hollywood.
Hollywood. Gee.
Well, I'd miss this old swamp, but... millions of people happy.
What the--
Okay, you guys, do what I tell you.
I don't know where your--
Don't step on that asphalt!
We gotta get this--
Off the asphalt!
I told you, stay off the asphalt!
Hey, look at him.
- What are those big legs?
- Hey, you on the bike!
Watch out! Watch out!
Oh, my gosh!
That's pretty dangerous, building a road in the middle of the street.
I mean, if frogs couldn't hop,
I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
The El Sleezo Cafe.
Foreign food.
Doesn't smell promising, but... a frog's gotta eat.
Wow.
Rough place, huh?
That the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the Earth!
- Why not complain to the owner?
- I am the owner.
Watch out. Hot plates comin' through. Look out.
You got your french-fried frog legs au gratin... you got your frog legs almandine, you got your frog legs stroganoff.
Everybody happy?
All right.
Hello, sailor.
Buy me a drink?
I'm not a sailor,
I'm a frog.
- Cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
- I don't even know you.
Hey, you makin' a move on my girl?
- No, sir.
- He did too. He touched me.
Go wash!
You'll get warts.
- No, that's just a myth.
- Yeah, but she's my ''mith''!
No, no, myth, myth!
- Yes?
- What the hey?
Show time!
Show time at the El Sleezo.
And now, filling in for the vacationing
El Sleezo dancing girls... the funny, furry, fabulous...
Fozzie Bear!
You're a great crowd!
Thank you, thank you and thank you!
Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to tell you jokes both old and rare!
Get off the stage!
Let's start things off with a bang!
Thank you, sir.
This guy's lost.
Maybe he should try 
Hare Krishna.
Good grief.
It's a running gag.
There was this sailor who was so fat--
How fat was he?
He was so fat that everybody liked him... and there was nothing funny about him at all.
No problem!
Please!
Oh, please!
I'm trying so hard.
Please don't get mad.
I'm a professional.
I've had three performances.
- Curtain! Curtain!
- Do you know any dance routines?
What? Not really. Do you?
- Play something snappy.
- You got it.
- Now dance!
- What?
Dance!
It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation.
The crowd is getting ugly.
You think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls!
Two, three, four.
- Two, three, kick!
- Kick. Yeah, sorry.
Comin' home!
I just cleaned the fur, please!
I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.
Okay, everybody, drinks on the house!
- Drinks on the house!
- Yeah! Go, go! On the house!
I don't see no drinks up here.
What's he talkin' about?
The bartender said there were drinks on the house.
- Works every time.
- Huh. Wow.
My name is Kermit the Frog, and I'm on my way to Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
- You want to join me?
Big-time show biz!
That's always been my dream.
They're holding auditions for frogs next week.
And if they need frogs, they must need bears too.
My car's right outside!
Gee, a Studebaker.
Where'd you get it?
- My uncle left it to me.
- Is he dead?
No, he's hibernating.
You know, Fozzie, you really do have a lot of talent.
- Thank you.
- How about we put together an act?
Nope. Sorry.
I only work as a single.
Okay.
All right, you talked me into it!
We'll be a team!
- Oh, good.
- What's this?
- You better pull over here.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Howdy, Mr. Frog.
- I'm a businessman with a proposition.
- What?
Let me show you somethin' thatmight change your whole life.
Hop right over here,my little green friend.
- Listen, mister--
- That's it.
This is the kind of chance you can't afford to pass up.
Now, now, don't be afraid.
Watch the window.
What's that?
Hi, I'm Doc Hopper... invitin'you to hop on down and get some Hopper's french-fried frog legs... right here, at the sign of the bright green legs!
Good grief!.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Frog legs, frog legs
Frog legs so fine
Hopper's is the place
you should dine
There's cheese legs
bacon legs, chili legs too
- French-fried frog legs, barbecued
- Oh, Fozzie.
- If you want just a snack
- Don't worry.
Then here is the one
A frog-leg burger
on a bright green bun
That is terrible! That's the most
revolting thing I've ever seen!
I know. I'm a great businessman
and a sweet fella...
but I do lack the skills
of a performer.
You also make a lousy frog!
You, on the other hand,
make a terrific frog!
- What?
- He's right. You are very likable.
The bear's right.
You, my little likable friend...
are gonna do all our
television commercials!
- No way!
-Just a minute.
There's $500 in it for you,
up front.
$500 is just the beginnin'.
You could be earnin'
this much every year.
- Let's go, Fozzie.
- $500?
Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?
- Fozzie!
- I just lost my head. just a minute, Mr. Frog.
Everything's negotiable.
- Okay, here we go. Sorry!
- Hey, that's my Caddy!
-Just get it in gear, Fozzie!
- Yes, sir. Here we go!
This is money we're talkin' about.
Max!
Follow that frog!
Max!
Follow that frog with me in the car!
I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited.
Isn't the frog terrific?
- Terrific. Now go!
- But you promised me a reward.
Later, Max.
Now follow that frog!
- It's a gorgeous day.
- Yep, certainly is.
- Yep, terrific day for a drive.
- Beautiful country out here.
A frog and a bear, seeing America!
Movin'right along in search
of good times and good news
With good friends you can't lose
This could become a habit
Opportunity knocks once
Let's reach out and grab it
Together we'll nab it
We'll hitchhike
bus or Yellow Cab it
Cab it?
Movin'right along
Footloose and fancy free
Getting there is half the fun
Come share it with me
Movin'right along
We'll learn to share the load
We don't need a map to keep
this show on the road
Fozzie, turn left if you
come to a fork in the road.
Yes, sir, turn left at
the fork in the road.
- Turn left!
- I don't believe that.
Movin'right along
we've found a life on the highway
And your way is my way
So trust my navigation
California, here we come
The pie-in-the-sky land
Palm trees and warm sand
Though sadly we just
left Rhode Island
- We did what?
-Just forget it.
- Movin'right along
- Hey, LA, where've you gone
Send someone to fetch us
We're in Saskatchewan
Movin'right along
You take it
You know best
Hey, I've never seen the sun
come up in the west
Ah, a bear in his natural habitat--
a Studebaker.
- Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead.
- What is that?
Maybe we should give him a ride.
I don't know, he's pretty big.
- Hey, there, want a lift?
- No, thanks.
I'm on my way
to New York City...
to try to break into
public television.
Good luck.
Movin'right along
We're truly birds of a feather
We're in this together
And we know where we're goin'
Movie stars with flashy cars
and life with the top down
We're stormin'the big town
- Stormin's right. Should it be snowing?
- No, I don't think so.
Movin'right along
Footloose and fancy free
- You're ready for the big time
- Is it ready for me
Movin'right along
Hey, Fozzie.
Look up ahead there.
There's one of those Doc Hopper billboards.
- Maybe you better pull over.
- Yes, sir.
Look at that.
Kermit, that's you!
You got the picture, boy?
You see what I mean?
Kermit the Frog, symbol of
Doc Hopper's French-Fried Frog Legs.
Isn't that splendid?
just take a look at it.
All I can see are millions
of frogs on tiny crutches.
Now listen, boy, don't you want to be rich and famous?
- Not workin' for you, I don't!
- That's right.
- Crutches?
- Shut up, Max!
We're a small-time operation...
but we're expandin',
just like you frogs expand!
- Don't you frogs expand?
- That's a myth!
- What?
- Myth, myth!
Yes?
- Burn rubber.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, frog!
That's the second time!
Max, I've done
my best with that frog.
Now's the time to do my worst.
Open the door.
- No, you open the door!
- What?
I'm through, Doc.
The frog is right.
You're asking him to do something
terrible. I can't be a part of it.
It's a moral decision,
and I'll stand by it!
- I'll double your percentage.
- I'll open the door.
- Kermit, where are we?
- Well, let's see.
We were just travelling down
this little black line here...
and we just crossed that
little red line over there.
Let's take the blue line, huh?
- We can't take that. That's a river.
- I knew that.
- Yeah, sure.
- Listen, why don't we just go--
- Fozzie?
- Yeah?
Who's driving?
- Look out! Stop!
- No problem!
- Okay, back it up.
- Yes, sir.
Fozzie, where did you
learn to drive?
I took a correspondence course.
- This looks like a nice, quiet spot.
- Uh-huh.
It feels like we've been
driving for days.
- Funny, I'm still wide awake.
- Me too.
Me too.
I'm up! I'm up!
What's that?
They don't look like
Presbyterians to me.
Hey, cool it, everybody!
Our gentle mornin' melodies have
attracted wanderin' admirers.
- Hey, who are you guys?
- We am, is, are and be...
they whom as are known as
the Electric Mayhem.
For sure!
He's Dr. Teeth!
Golden teeth and golden tones.
Welcome to my presence.
- Thank you.
- Fozzie--
I'm Floyd.
I blow bass.
And I'm--
Zoot.
Sax is your axe.
Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again.
Wow, like, I'm Janice on lead guitar, for sure.
That's Animal.
Show 'em what you do, Animal!
I want to eat drums!
No, no, beat drums!
Beat drums!
Beat drums! Beat drums!
- Down, Animal! Back! Sit!
- Down, back, sit!
Hey, don't forget about me.
I'm Scooter,
the band's road manager.
Yeah, we couldn't go
anywhere without him.
- He's the man with the contacts?
- No, he's the man with the van!
We're takin' this old church and turnin' it into a coffee house.
Yeah, with real good music and organic refreshments.
Boy, it'll be so fine and laid back and mellow and profitable.
Yeah, but what brings you dudes here?
Listen, see, Kermit here was living in the swamp.
- Fozzie--
- Then a fisherman came along.
You can't tell 'em the whole story.
You'll bore the audience.
Oh, sorry.
But, Kermit.
- The band here wants to know.
- Let 'em read the screenplay.
Yes, sir!
See, it starts here on page one.
The Muppet Movie, huh?
Let's see.
'' Exterior. Swamp. Day.
In a long helicopter shot
we discover Kermit the Frog...
playin' his banjo and singin'.
A Hollywood agent starts
the frog traveling west.
Doc Hopper comes on strong
and they get to this church.
Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie.
They don't look like
Presbyterians to me.
Kermit and Fozzie come walkin'
down the aisle...
to the thunderously loud music...
of Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem.''
Which am us!
Yeah! Yeah!
This is a narrative of
very heavy-duty proportions.
Cosmic, man. We gotta keep this little
froggy away from this Hopper dude.
Too true.
Too true.
It is indeed a problem for
us to probosculate upon.
But it seems the frog and the bear
are temporarily out of service.
Wow, like, what
can we do to help them?
- Well, if this were the movies...
- Which it is.
we'd think of a clever plot device.
Like disguising their car so they won't be recognized.
Right, two, three, four.
Oh,yeah
All right
Anybody's lover
Everybody's brother
I wanna be your lifetime friend
Crazy as a rocket
Nothin'in my pocket
I keep it at the rainbow's end
I never think of money
I think of milk and honey 
Grinnin'like a Cheshire cat
I focus on the pleasure
Somethin'I can treasure
Can ya picture that
Can ya picture that
Oh,yeah
So high
Hey Floyd, take a verse!
Let me take your picture
Add it to the mixture
There it is
I gotcha now
Really nothin'to it
Anyone can do it
It's easy and we all know how
Now begins the changin'
Mental rearrangin'
Nothing's really where it's at
Now the Eiffel Tower's
holding up a flower
I gave it to a Texas cat
Fact is there's nothing
out there you can't do
Yeah, even Santa Claus
believes in you
Beat down your walls
Begin, believe, begat
Be a better drummer
Be an up-and-comer
- Can you picture that
- Can you baggy that
All of us are winnin'
Pickin'and a-grinnin'
Lordy, but I love to jam
Jelly-belly gigglin'
Dancin'and a-wigglin'
Honey, that's the way I am
I lost my heart in Texas
Northern Lights affect us
I keep it underneath my hat
Aurora Borealis shinin'down on Dallas
Can you picture that
Can you picture that
- Can you picture
- You got to see it in your mind
- Can you picture
- Yo, it's quick and easy to find
- Can you picture
- You don't have to buy a frame
Can you picture
Can you picture that
Can you picture that
- Use it if you need it
- Don't forget to feed it
Can you picture that Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.
I don't know how to thank you guys.
- I don't know why to thank you guys.
- Our pleasure, green stuff.
Are you sure you won't come with us to Hollywood?
Can't, baby.
But when you get rich and famous... maybe we'll show up and exploit your wealth.
Movin' right along, Fozzie.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
Hollywood! Hollywood!
Remember, this frog does everything.
He talks, he sings, he dances, he tells jokes.
He even rides a bicycle.
Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.
Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.
- What?
- What?
- Fozzie, they're right behind us!
- I know! I know!
- How did they recognize us?
- They recognized you.
- What do you mean?
- There's a hundred bears around.
I'm gaining on 'em, Doc!
- Can't you drive any faster?
- No, sir.
Pull in front of that sign.
- Now duck.
- What?
- Get down, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, yeah?
Uh-huh, yeah.
I tell ya, Camilla.
Great plumbers are born, not made.
I'm a prince of the plunger, fair maiden.
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. We'll do that.
just wait till we get there. 
Fozzie, look at that funny little truck.
- Yeah. Cute, huh?
- No, it's coming straight at us.
We're gonna hit!
- We missed it.
- Oh? You call that a miss?
I'm getting in your car.
- You guys okay?
- Why are you hopping up and down?
Because I'm hopping mad.
- Guy's got a sense of humor.
- Hey, why don't you join us?
- Where are you going?
- We're following our dream.
- Really? I have a dream too.
- Oh?
- But you'll think it's stupid.
- No, I won't.
- Tell us. Tell us.
I wanna go to Bombay, India, and become a movie star.
You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star.
You go where we're going--
Hollywood!
Sure, if you wanna do it
the easy way.
We picked up a weirdo.
Hey, look up ahead.
There's Mad Man Mooney's.
- What's that?
- That's a used car lot.
Maybe we can trade in both
these old cars and get one big one.
- Wait, trade in my uncle's Studebaker?
- Sure.
- When he wakes up, he'll kill me.
- You're swingin' this turn very wide.
Hold it, will ya?
Here we go. Up the bump.
Okay, here we go. Hold on.
- Pull it up ahead there.
- Look at these cars!
- Are you gonna sell my plunger too?
- No, he's not.
Look at 'em up there.
Pull it up a little farther.
Where shall I stop?
How should I stop?
- A little bit farther.
- Okay. Here?
- Everybody out of the car.
- Okay. Chickens first.
My dear friends, welcome to Mad Man Mooney's hubcap heaven.
Today is your lucky day.
- It is?
- Yes, it is. You, for example.
- You're drivin' the wrong car.
- I am?
I can put you in this German street machine for only $2,000.
Less a $1 2 trade-in on your old vehicle.
Now, this car is one of the greatest--
Detachable fenders for narrow garages.
No, thanks.
What is this pile of--
jack, get rid of this heap.
Come out here!
What?
What, what?
What's the matter with you?
That's my Jack.
- Hi,Jack.
-Jack not name. Jack job.
How many times have I told you
not to talk to the customers?
- Yeah, I know--
-Just move this. You understand?
Wow!
Friends, Mad Man Mooney doesn't believe
in all that dealing and wheeling.
No, the price on the sticker
is the price you pay.
And never more and never less.
We'll take that one for $1 1 .95.
- What?
- Less our $1 2 trade-in.
You owe us a nickel.
Thank you very much. Hey, we're
all going to Hollywood. Wanna come?
- Hollywood!
- That's strange. He just ran away.
- Moving right along, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
- Watch where you're going now, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
Hey! Wait!
Where are ya goin'?
Hey! Wait for me!
I wanna go to Hollywood!
Hey! Wait for me!
Come on, guys!
Wait, please!
I wanna go to Hollywood!
Testing, one, two, three.
Testing. Can you hear me?
It's time to announce the winner of this year's Bogen County Beauty Pageant.
- We sure grow 'em pretty around here.
- What's that?
All right, here they are.
- The first runner-up...
- What's over there?
is Debbie Sue Anderson.
- See?
Nice-looking girls, huh?
- Wow! Nice-looking chickens.
- What?
- No hard feelings, honey.
- Before announcing the winner... I think we should thank the judges of today's contest... Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.
You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks.
Come now, Charlie. It's their movie.
- So 'tis.
And here she is, folks, this year's Miss Bogen County...
Miss Piggy!
Thank you.
Wow! It's a pig!
Did you see that?
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Oh, Debbie Sue.
Oh, Ama Jane.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Kissy-kissy.
Kissy-kissy.
Thank you.
- Kermit, you know--
- Not right now, Fozzie.
I just want to say one thing. This is the happiest moment of my--
Never before
Have two souls joined so freely
And so fast
For me this is the first time
and the last
Is this an angel's wish
For men
Never before
And never again
And where to find the words
to sing its worth
This love was bound for Heaven
Not for Earth
This love was meant
To light the stars
But when we touched
We made it ours
And could they take it back
Oh, no, they wouldn't dare
Why should they take it back
When there's enough
To share with all the world
And fill the heavens above
With leftover love
Never before
A love that keeps on growing
On and on
To fill each lover's heart
And light the dawn
Is this an angel's wish
For men
Never before
And never again
Never before
And never again
Excuse me.
- Yes. Of course.
- Listen.
Congratulations on winning the beauty contest.
Thank you. Of course, normally,
I don't do anything so trivial.
- I am an actress/model.
- Oh, is that right? Well, um--
I'm gonna be a performer too.
Hey, Kermit, who's the cute-lookin' pig?
I beg your pardon.
If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
Hey, I thought we were gonna go get some ice cream.
In a minute.
I'll join you.
Well, what are you doing in town... short, green and handsome?
- Well, we're headed west.
- Really?
Yeah, but I should join my friends for ice cream.
You want to come along?
Me? You mean it?
I'll be right back.
Don't move!
Hello, I'd like an ice cream.
Hello, I'd like an ice cream.
What do you want?
Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach fudge?
- Rum banana?
- Honey.
Honey? I beg your pardon.
I hardly know ya.
But seriously, I'd like a honey ice-cream cone for me... and a dragonfly ripple for my friend, the frog.
Okay, one honey cone for the bear.
- One dragonfly ripple for the frog.
- Yucky.
- Don't get 'em mixed up.
- Gotcha.
All right, Camilla,
I'll get you a balloon.
But you have to pick the color.
Red or green?
- Can I give you a word of advice?
- What?
Why not take both?
What a wild idea!
Yeah, a beautiful chicken
like that deserves two balloons.
You're right.
I have guys in all the time.
Sometimes they get a bunch of balloons for their girls.
- They go gaga for it.
- Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch.
I wonder where they went?
- Where's your pig friend?
- I'm not really sure.
She said she was coming for ice cream, but--
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Here I am! Here I am! I'm packed! I'm packed!
- Yeah, so I see. What for?
You said I could come with you.
Yeah, but, to buy ice cream, not to Hollywood.
We're going to Hollywood!
No! I mean, listen.
When I said--
Well, when you heard--
Oh, brother.
What? Gonzo?
Gonzo! What are you doing?
- About seven knots.
We'll follow you. To the car!
Yes, sir!
Gonzo, we're coming!
Step on it, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
- Kermit, you're a born leader.
- Where is he?
Isn't this great? Here I am, floating in space. This is the place to be. Whoopee!
- Fozzie, bear left.
What?
- Bear left.
- Right, frog.
- What? That's cute.
- Never mind.
This is-- Look at our little car down there. This is like flying. Maybe this is flying. I'm flying! Whoopee!
Doc, isn't that a frog up there?
No, that's a frog down here.
He's caught in a crosswind, Fozzie.
We're gonna lose him.
Oh, no!
- What are you doin', Doc?
- I'm goin' after their tires.
We're okay now. The wind shifted.
Wait a minute.
Stay with him, Fozzie.
He's right above us.
- He's okay.
- Yeah. Hi, Gonzo!
- Fozzie, come back in here!
- What? Yes, sir.
- Watch down the road!
- Kermit!
Look out for the billboard!
- Take off, Fozzie!
- Yes, sir!
Come back, you!
No frog's gonna make a monkey outta me!
- I'm back.
I don't understand any of this.
I just gotta catch up with those guys!
Kermit. You were so courageous, so magnificent.
Gee, I don't know what to say.
Say the bear was magnificent.
After all, I did the driving.
And I took a 1 00-foot belly flop onto a moving car.
Yes, but, Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility... of command.
- Gee.
- Oh, brother.
Why don't we stop somewhere for the night... and have a quiet, little dinner for two?
Terrific!
I'll eat with you, Miss Piggy.
Not you, buzzard beak! just mon capitaine... and moi.
Well, that might be nice.
Wow.
Good evening, Miss Piggy.
You look lovely tonight.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry
if I kept you waiting.
It was worth it.
How charming of vous.
I took the liberty of ordering us some wine.
Oh, waiter.
Yes?
May I help you?
The wine, please.
You mad, impetuous fink.
It's champagne.
Not exactly.
Sparkling muscatel.
One of the finest wines of Idaho.
- You may serve us now, please.
- May I?
- Look how he does that.
- Yeah. Pretty suave.
Don't you want to smell the bottle cap?
- Smells good.
- Yeah.
Would you like to taste it first?
Well--
- I think he's supposed to.
- Would you taste it for us, please?
Excellent choice.
Should be for 95 cents.
- And may we have straws, please?
- Yes.
I expected that.
Thank you.
That'll be all for now.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you!
Here's to you, Miss Piggy.
Drink up.
Makes me giggly.
The wine?
Everything.
It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
And the moon is just lovely.
But you know, Miss Piggy... the moon doesn't look like you.
Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy!
- Are you Miss Piggy?
- Yes?
Telephone.
I did place one phone call to my agent.
It'll only be an eensy-teensy moment.
What the hey.
Evenin'.
Rowlf. Rowlf the Dog.
Sit yourself down.
- Kermit. Kermit the Frog.
- Pleased to meet ya.
I'm no Heifetz, but I get by.
That was--
That was very nice.
Whoa, hey, broken heart, right?
Does it show?
Listen, when you've been ticklin' the ivories as long as I have... you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain.
A shattered dream for every fallen star.
Exactly.
She just walked out on me.
- Typical. That's why I live alone.
- You do, huh?
You bet.
I finish work,
I go home, read a book...
have a couple of beers,
take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Nice and simple.
- Stay away from women. That's my motto.
- But I can't.
Neither can I.
That's my trouble.
You can't live with 'em
You can't live without 'em
There's something
irresistible-ish about 'em
We grin and bear it
'cause the nights are long
I hope that somethin'better
comes along
I see what you mean.
It's no good complainin'
and pointless to holler
If she's a beauty
she'll get under your collar
She made a monkey
out of old King Kong
I hope that somethin'better
comes along
Still, it's fun
when you're fetchin'
And agree to see an etching
That you keep at your lily pad
There is no solution
It's part of evolution
The pitter patter of soles
The little feet of tadpoles
Rowlf, tadpoles don't have feet.
Sorry about that.
Two, three, four.
There's no limitation
to mixin'and matchin'
Some get an itchin'for a critter
they've been scratchin'
A skunk was badgered
The results were strong
I hope that something better
I hope that something better
I hope that something better comes along
Phone call for Kermit the Frog!
- You Kermit the Frog?
- Yeah.
Phone.
It's not that often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.
Hello?
Kermie, please!
Piggy, is that you?
- Yes, that's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Now you listen, frog, and listen good. Step outside the motel right now. My guys'll meet you there.
Well, what if I don't?
Then your girlfriend will be ham hocks by breakfast.
Kermie, don't, don't!
Are you the guys I'm supposed to meet?
Good, Glen. That's good.
Nice and tight.
- The professor's here, Doc.
- Show him in. Show him in.
Kermie, I'm not a bit worried.
I know you're planning something bold and clever.
Well, I got us this far, didn't I?
- How are you?
- Professor Krassman.
It's good to see you, Doc, you little rustic devil, you.
Where's my victim?
I mean, patient.
- Step this way, Professor.
- Of course.
Let me introduce you to your patient.
Prof. Krassman is the world's leading authority... on mind control in frogs.
It's a very rapidly growing field.
You like garlic, don't you?
Tell us what you're gonna do to our little Kermit.
Well, we're going to perform an electronic cerebrectomy.
- A what?
- An electronic cerebrectomy!
What's that?
It's something so sensational that you'll have to hold on to your hat.
- Yes?
- When a German scientist says...
 Hold on to your hat,
it's not casual conversation.
Hold on to your hat!
Hat, hold! Good!
Now, what we're going to do is bring out a machine that's going to wow you.
Bertram, Bertram, bring out the machine!
Wait till you see this. You think we're sleeping in Dusseldorf?
You think we're taking a nap in Cologne? No, we're working at night.
Each night, a new dial, a new knob, a diode.
- Electronic ce--
- Cerebrectomy.
- Electronic cerebrectomy.
- What does it do?
What does it do?
It turns the brains into guacamole.
First of all,
I'll pull out of this, okay?
Wonderful.
Second?
Halt!
I detest the surfeit of provincial laughter.
Now, we take your friend, the little '' F-O-R-G''... put him in the chair,clamp on the terminals... drop the electronic yarmulke... and throw, what we call
in German, the switch.
Yes, you little green devil... soon it'll be a hot time at the old skull tonight.
Thank you, Herr Machine.
Now, the frog will do your bidding.
He will do your every whim, He will doyour television commercial, yes.
He will sell your frogs' legs.
- Zaparooni.
- Head full of jelly.
- A noggin full of library paste!
- Let's fry them brains!
- You've got a fun job.
- I love it, I love it.
If I could inflict a little pain during the afternoon, I sleep good at night.
- We'll let you get on with it, then.
- My pleasure.
Max.
I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog.
What's left of the frog. You can have everything, excuse the brain.
All right.
Bring over the frog.
Kermie, whatever happens next...I wouldn't give up this evening together for anything.
- Would you?
- Make me an offer.
Okay, I got him.
I got him.
Good, good.
And why don't we takea little seat, Kermit?
Hold his hands down.
Get your feeties in place.
Will you stop whimpering?
Go out like a frog,not a little toad.
Okay, Herr Machine, this isbig time here. Ready to go to work?
Hand clamps!Foot clamps!
You can struggleall you want now, frog.
It'll do you very little good.
All right. And now it's time to drop... the electronic beanie.
Soon there'll be enough voltage coursingthrough your little frog brain...to light up Cincinnati.
- Here we go.
Oh, please! Not my frog, please!
Say good-bye to the frog, pig.
Why should I?
Because in ten seconds,he won't know you from kosher bacon.
That does it!
What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?
Where'd she go?
Oh, boys.
There she is! Get her!
I must reach the switch.
I must!
- Switch-- I must reach--
- Oh, no.
- Now, Kermie.
- Thank you.
Well... shall we go now, Kermie?
Well-- just a second.
What?
Piggy, it's your agent.
Thank you.
Yeah, Morty.
What have you got?
Commercial?
How much? When?
Take it.
Good-bye!
Kermit: Hey, what happened?
Swedish Chef: [gibberish] Flip, flip, flip, flip.
Animal: Irritated! irritated!
Kermit: Don't worry, Animal. Your big scene is coming up.
Yeah, yeah. Just be cool and eat another seat cushion.
Seat cushion!
Well, how do you like the film? 
I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this.
I don't care what anybody else says. I'm having a great time.
Oh, good.
The ''flim'' is okey-dokey.
Good. Roll film.
 Flim is rooling.
Quiet, quiet.
This is the patriotic part.
Should we stand up?
No.
Oh, beautiful
for spacious skies
For amber waves of grain
For purple mountains'majesties
Above the fruited plain
America, America
God shed His grace on thee
And crown thy good
with brotherhood
From sea to
Shining sea
Patriotism swells in the heart
of the American bear.
Hold it, boys. Hold it!
Hold your fire!
Now, boys, no reflection on the job you been doin'... but I decided to bring in a specialist.
Now, boys, this is Snake Walker.
Tell 'em what you do, Snake.
Kill frogs.
- How long is it to Hollywood?
- We gotta be there by tomorrow.
Hey, Kermit! Are you going to get an agent like that pig had?
Gonzo, you know
he's touchy about that.
- Hey, who's that? I don't believe that.
- Oh, no.
- That's Piggy.
- Yeah, I know.
Do you think we should help her with her bag?
Oh, Kermie!
What an unbelievable coincidence!
Hello again.
It's me!
Would you hold my laundry case?
- Well.
- Well what?
So much has happened to me since I saw you last.
Frankly, Miss Piggy,
I don't give a hoot.
My name is Rowlf the Dog, and I was playin' the piano in a-- Oh, never mind.
I missed you.
Don't I get one kissy-kissy?
I don't think so, Miss Piggy.
just one little hug?
You've been listening to music to hug frogs by... and this is Doc Hopper sayin' that if Kermit the Frog... don't stop right now and call me... and agree to be my national spokesman, he will soon be a frogburger.
- We'll be okay.
- Oh, mon capitaine.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
What? No problem!
It's okay, it's okay.
No problem. Hey, all right!
We're in trouble. I wish I still had my Studebaker.
There's probably somethin' broken about the engine.
Hey, don't worry.
Someone's bound to come along.
Yeah?
Well, I guess we blew it,
huh, Gonzo?
Yeah.
But the sky sure is beautiful out here.
Look at that.
We're gonna miss the auditions tomorrow, right?
Boy, you could get lost in a sky like that.
I wish I had those balloons again.
So much for Hollywood.
Listen, gang.
I never promised we'd make it.
I never promised anything.
This looks familiar
Vaguely familiar
Almost unreal,yet
It's too soon to feel yet
Close to my soul
And yet so far away
I'm going to go
back there someday
Sun rises, night falls
Sometimes the sky calls
Is that a song there
And do I belong there
I've never been there
But I know the way
I'm going to go back there
Someday
Come and go with me
It's more fun to share
We'll both be completely
At home in midair
We're flyin', not walking
On featherless wings
We can hold on to young
Like invisible string
There's not a word yet
For old friends who've just met
Part heaven, part space
Or have I found my place
You can just visit
But I plan to stay
I'm going to go back there
Someday
I'm going to go back there
Someday
I didn't promise anybody anything.
What do I know about Hollywood anyway?
just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double features.
So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
'Cause some agent fella said I had talent.
He probably says that to everybody.
On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp... you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
Yeah, but then it would just be me feelin' miserable.
Now I got a lady pig and a bear and a chicken... a dog, a thing--
whatever Gonzo is.
He's a little like a turkey.
Yeah, A little like a turkey.
But not much.
No, I guess not.
Anyhow, I brought 'em all out here into the middle of nowhere.
It's all my fault.
Still... whether you promised them something or not... you gotta remember they wanted to come.
But that's because they believed in me.
No, they believed in the dream.
- Well, so do I, but--
- You do?
- Yeah. Of course I do.
- Well, then?
Well, then...
I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone.
I promised me.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
Hey, what's happening?
At the moment, we're what's happening.
Oh, great!
Wonderful! Yeah!
Zoot! Hey, Zoot!
Hold it, hold it.
Animal, cool it back there.
Yeah.
All right, yeah.
Hey, it's wonderful to see you, but how did you ever find us?
Oh, easy. We just read the screenplay you left us.
 Exterior desert, night.
We knew right where you were.
Like, can you get behind it?
Hey, when you dudes have to be at that audition?
- 2:00 tomorrow afternoon.
- Well, climb aboard the bus.
We'll have breakfast at Hollywood and Vine.
Movin'right along
Oh,yeah
Here we go.
Movin'right along
Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit: Motorcycle cop.
Piggy: '' Motorcycle cop'' is a sweet nothing?
A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.
Hey, easier done than said.
- Drag city.
- What do we do now?
Oh, dear.
Hey, hey. The man with the badge.
The police.
The cops, the fuzz, the P-I--
Don't you dare.
I wouldn't think of it.
Did we do something wrong, Officer?
- Kermie, it's him!
Okay, gang. Let him explain.
This whole disguise is only so I could warn you.
Yeah. Sure, sure.
I never thought Doc would hurt Kermit.
I thought he was gonna lean on him.
But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast... and the man is deadly!
Oh, no. Kermit, what are we gonna do?
It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.
Hold it, Dr. Teeth.
What's up ahead?
Only an old ghost town.
- Fine.
Listen, you go tell Doc Hopper
I'll be waiting for him there.
- What?
- Kermit, you'll get killed!
Listen, guys. Listen.
I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully.
It's time for a showdown.
Chugga, chugga.
Hey, listen.
I'm gonna check things out.
Everybody stay on the bus, okay?
- Hey, Kermit?
- Yeah?
Can I take Animal for a walk? He needs some exercise.
Yeah, sure.
What is that?
That's one of my latest inventions-- a musical rotating rain barrel.
- Oh, yeah.
- You see... I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my assistant, Beaker. We live here, perfecting useful inventions. Come in, come in.
Welcome to our laboratory. Please don't touch anything.
Is this the only street into town?
Yes, yes.
Hey, what are you dudes doin' in here?
I'm so glad you asked!
We're perfecting our latest invention... insta-grow pills.
Well, what in the name of Fats Waller is that?
A four-foot prune!
A four-foot prune.
Yeah, man. Well, what else do these pills make big?
They work on anything.
But the effect is, sadly, temporary.
Sadly temporary.
Hey, Kermit!
Here comes Doc Hopper!
I know.
I'll be ready for him.
Okay, frog. Where are ya?
I'm here. I'll meet you in the middle of the street.
- Oh, yeah?
- Man to frog.
- All right, Hopper.
- All right, frog.
One last chance. You can do my TV commercials live or stuffed.
What's the matter with you?
You gotta be crazy chasin' me halfway across the country.
Why are you doin' this to me?
'Cause all my life I wanted to own a thousand frog-leg restaurants... and you're the key, greenie.
Yeah, well,
I've got a dream too.
But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy.
The kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.
And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream.
And it kind of makes us like a family. 
You have anybody like that, Hopper?
Once you get all those restaurants, who're you gonna share it with?
Who are your friends, Doc?
Those guys?
I got lots of friends.
Max, for instance.
Max.
I don't think you're a bad man, Doc.
I think if you look in your heart... you'll find you really want to let me and my friends go... to follow our dream.
But if that's not the kind of man you are... and if what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you... well, then, go ahead and kill me.
All right, boys. Kill him.
No, wait, please!
Everybody goin' to Hollywood?
- Yeah!
Next stop is
Hollywood and Vine.
Look at the ocean!
The ocean!
Yes, Mr. Lord. I'll have those deal memos for you in a jiffy.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Lord can't be disturbed by anyone.
He's packaging a blockbuster.
Look! It's wonderful!
Like a dream come true.
Don't count your tadpoles until they're hatched. I still have to audition.
Hey, ain't nothin' to it but to do it.
And where do you think you're going?
Hi, there!
I'm going to audition for Lew Lord.
You can't just walk in here off the street, you know.
Especially not with all these animals.
Animals?
What's wrong with animals?
This is a movie studio, not a zoo!
Besides--
I'm allergic to animal hair.
Now, get along, all of you.
Now, wait a second.
See here, miss.
I may not be one of your fancy
Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance.
We're going to stay here until you let
us in to see Lew Lord, aren't we, gang?
Yes! Yes!
- Yeah, come on!
- We're gonna sit right down and wait.
Yes, Security? Miss Tracy.
I want to report a--
Shake! Shake, everyone!
- That's it!
- Look what it's doing!
- Go get 'em, man!
- Way to go!
Allergies are nothing to sneeze at.
I'm allergic to cats, myself.
Okay, way to go, guys!
Thanks, miss.
Well, friends...
this is it.
Mr. Lord? Forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.
Yes, yes.
We've come over 2,000 miles just--
Oh, boy.
We're all with you.
Please, sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we read your ad... and, well, we've come to be rich and famous.
Miss Tracy... prepare the standard
 Rich and Famous contract... for Kermit the Frog and company. 
just look at all this.
How did a frog make the big time?
It starts when we're kids.
A show-off at school
Makin'faces at friends
You're a clown and a fool
Doin'pratfalls and birdcalls
and bad imitations
Ignoring your homework
There's that dedication
Working the mirror
You're getting standing ovations
You're burning with hope
You're building up steam
What was once ''juvenile-ish''
is grown up and stylish
You're close to your dream
If somebody out there loves you
- Stands up and hollers for more
- More!
You've found a home
at the magic store
All right, everybody, production number, okay?
Off the trucks and on the job!
- On the job!
- Hey, whoa! Aw, geez--
Wow, let's do it!
- Do what?
- The movie!
- Yes, sir! A footstomper!
- Makeup!
-Yes! Let's do it!
-Fozzie, take those wagons out of there.
Yes, sir. I'm off.
Scenery over there. Great.
Moving right along. Hey!
Hey, those are the trees for the swamp.
Mellow and profitable.
- Let's make the scene!
- Okay, hon.
- Watch the tree, Rowlf.
- Careful, Scooter.
Watch it!
Miss Piggy, you look beautiful.
- Thank you!
- Hollywood talk.
Good.
The lights-- Yeah.
Good. Save those arcs.
Crazy Harry plays with electricity!
Sound is ready. Give me a level.
Testing!
Rolling.
Okay, everybody.
Stay in focus, huh?
Okay. Muppet Movie, scene 1 -A, take 1 .
- Makeup ready!
- Scenery ready!
- Yeah, good.
- Film is running!
- Camera rollin'!
- All ready, Kermie!
Okay, stand by.
Here we go!
Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
That's part of what rainbows do
Rainbows are memories
Sweet dream reminders
Of what is it
you'd like to do
All of us watching and wishing
We'd find it
I've noticed
you're watching too
Someday you'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and
Life's like a movie
Write your own ending
Keep believing
Keep pretending
We've done just what
we set out to do
Thanks to the lovers
The dreamers
And you
I just knew I'd catch up with you guys!
Go home! Go home!
Bye-bye.
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