Bart's Not Dead/Quotes

:Dolph: Hey, Martin Princess. If you like that cello so much, why don't you marry it?
:Chalmers: No heckling!
:Skinner: Way to crush him, sir.
:Kearney: Hey, Skinner! If you like Chalmers so much, why don't you marry him?
:Skinner: Well, as the superintendent, he's married to all the principals.
:Chalmers: Thank you. You've made the anniversary of my wife's death even more depressing.
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:Milhouse: She loves me, she loves me not. Oh, why do I always use flowers with two pedals?
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:Ralph: I'm turning my back on you. [does a 360] Hi, Bart!
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:Nelson: [teasing] Bart's got a dad. Bart's got a dad.
:Bart: I do not!
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:Homer: You did the worst thing any boy could do. It's worse than wetting your pants, while on Santa's lap, and I've been on both sides of that one.
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:Bart: Grandpa, dad says I have to take a dare.
:Grandpa: I had Homer on a dare and as horrible as that worked out, I'd do it again.
:Bart: Why did someone dare you to have Homer?
:Grandpa: It was after the war. We needed babies.
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:Jimbo: So, Simpson. Word on the street is, you're looking for a dare.
:Bart: Yeah, fine. I need to get this monkey off my back.
:Kearney: Hey, how about that for a dare? Putting a monkey on his back.
:Jimbo: And after we're done, then what? We have a monkey that's our permanent responsibility.
:Dolph: Yeah, think ahead, Dingus.
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:[A power plant worker sees Bart about to jump off the Springfield Dam]
:Guy: Simpson, is that your kid?
:Homer: Oh my God! I've gotta stop him!
:Lenny: I dare you not to.
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:Homer: Marge, Marge. As someone who's fallen off a cliff, multiple times, the best thing we can do is teach him, how to fall off cliffs.
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:Bart: It was joyful. Clouds, harps, Abe Lincoln.
:Homer: Oh my God, Marge! I think our son went to Heaven! Were there any other presidents?
:Bart: No.
:Homer: It was Heaven!
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:Bart: I have a message for you, mom.
:Marge: From who?
:Bart: Jesus.
:Marge: Don't say that if it's not true!
:Homer: You have to believe him, Marge. It's a deathbed confession.
:Marge: He's not on his deathbed!
:Homer: The guy in the bed before him died! [Eats some "Get Well Soon" chocolates for the late Uncle Joe]
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:Lisa: Bart, I've held my tongue, because I appreciate you not ruining my song.
:Bart: Can't ruin what already sucks. Burn.
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:[Lisa makes a creepy face]
:Lisa: Oh, no. It's stuck!
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:[Christian Movie Producers shows up at Bart's doorstep]
:Christian Movie Producer #1: Hello Bart, we are Christian movie producers.
:Bart: So, you give all your profits back to the church?
:[Christian Movie Producers pause in silence]
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:Christian Movie Producer #1: Homer, we're the best in the business.
:Christian Movie Producer #2: Our films average 98% on Rotten Communion Wafers.
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:Homer: Like most of America, I think I know the movie business.
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:Homer: I want two seats to the premiere, and my wife needs a seat as well.
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:[Homer and Ned lie around, doing nothing]
:Marge: What are you guys doing?
:Homer: What's it look like? We're working!
:[Marge groans and walks away]
:Ned: Maybe we should take a break.
:Homer: Good idea.
:[Homer and Ned get back to lying around, doing nothing]
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:Gal Gadot: Gal Gadot, reading for Lisa.
:Ned: You've got the part!
:Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I know you were great in Fast and Furious, but what else have you been in?
:Gal Gadot: Uh, did you see Wonder Woman?
:Homer: Whenever I see the DC logo, I immediately fall asleep.
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:Marge: Can you get me the wine that I keep in mommy's knitting basket?
:Lisa: I know where you keep it.
:[Lisa leaves and comes back with the wine]
:Lisa: There was no knitting in there.
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:Homer: There's nothing the director can do on set, that's wrong.
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:Bart: Dad, I'm starting to feel weird.
:Homer's Actor: I'm not your dad. I'm the actor playing him.
:Bart: You need all that padding to play Homer?
:Homer's Actor: Yes, and I'm fat to begin with.
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:Homer: The scene we said is New York, is actually Downtown, Calgary, and vice versa.
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:Bart: No! No! No! I'm going to Heaven!
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:Bart: Save me Jesus!
:Jesus Christ: [pissed off] I've tried very hard to forgive you. It is very tough!
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:Announcer Lady: And here's Marge with the actress, who played her.
:Gal Gadot: In real life, we don't get along.
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:News Interviewer: Who are you worshiping?
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:[Grampa watches a movie full of Bart Simpson]
:Grampa: Eh, not enough Bart.
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:Homer: Don't worry, Marge. It's just a little movie. Nobody will see it.
:Lisa: Mr. Flanders just called. The movie's on pays to make $100,000,000! It crushed all the good movies that came out, this week.
:Homer: Take that Paul Thomas Anderson!
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:Marge: Oh my God! Our movie's a hit, and a lie!
:Homer: Oh, all hit movies are based on lies, Marge. Did you see Argo? None of that happened, and I have strong doubts about The Incredibles.
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:Kent Brockman: In what some are calling the worst scandal in the history of religion, Bart Simpson lied, when he claimed he had talked to Jesus.
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:Bart: You think God will forgive me? Don't tell anyone I said that.
:Lisa: Well, if there is a God, from what I know, said God will forgive you, if you truly have remorse in your heart.
:Bart: Thanks, Lis. Don't tell anyone I asked you that. I did it cuz you're the smartest person I know. And don't tell anybody I said that!
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:Lisa: Dad must have raked the leaves today!
:Bart: Now, that's a miracle!
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:[Homer goes to Hindu Heaven]
:Homer: Please, send me back to Earth.
:Vishnu: Yes, yes. You can be a turtle or a pharmaceutical CEO.
:Homer: Turtle, please.
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Category:Quotes