Episode 219: Peter Sellers/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 219: Peter Sellers.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	Peter Sellers, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sellers. Gonzo?
 	Gonzo, dressed in a cape, looks in a hand mirror and attempts to throw a knife backwards. THWACK! The knife lands on the wall, inches away from a familiar face.
 	
Peter 	(as Inspector Clouseau) Fifteen seconds? I should live so long!
 	WHACK! He ducks as another knife hits the wall.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Sellers! Ah!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	Statler coughs and Waldorf blows his nose to the theme music.
 	
 	Gonzo is nearly blown out of the "O" when Beautiful Day Monster comes up behind with a competing trumpet.
Gonzo 	Good grief.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Welcome, welcome, welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight's guest star is one of the great film stars of the world. He is the epitome of the witty, urbane Englishman, so, naturally, we've asked him to play a demented gypsy violinist. Listen, I run the show and I don't understand it. Anyhow, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!
 	Open on a gypsy caravan. Spectators gather as "Boris" emerges and a Csárdás sting plays.
Peter 	It is I, Boris. With his sobbing violin. We have got any requests?
Accordionist 	Yes, but you gonna play anyway.
 	They all laugh.
Peter 	Such unkindness is to break the heart, huh?
 	Csárdás music swells up as he sings.
Peter 	
A gypsy's heart is yearning.
A gypsy's blood is churning.
A gypsy's brain is learning. >sniff<
A gypsy's roast is burning.
 	A live goat appears behind him as they join him in the song.
Peter & Muppets	
There are tears on the strings of a gypsy's violin,
And tears fall on the bow as he cries.
Peter 	
Poor poor gypsy! Now I cannot play!
Until my violin dries.
Peter & Muppets	
So-oh-oh …
(the tempo picks up)
Play zigeuner! Play, play, play!
Leave all your sorrows be forgotten.
Play zigeuner play, play, play,
Accordionist 	Even though your playing may be rotten.
 	They all laugh.
Peter 	Who said that? Something's rotten was said here.
Accordionist 	Not me, not me, Boris.
Peter 	You saying some rotten things here.
Oh, the gypsy's heart is aching,
And the gypsy's heart is sad,
As he dances to the beating tambourines.
Muppets 	(moaning)
Peter 	
Once his love gave him golden earrings,
And now the ears are turning green.
 	
Peter & Muppets	
So-oh-oh …
(the tempo picks up)
Play zigeuner! Play, play, play!
Peter 	Play with all your delicate precision!
Peter & Muppets	Play zigeuner! Play, play, play!
Accordionist 	Soon you'll be replaced by television!
 	They all laugh.
Muppets 	
Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play play …
 	Peter starts strumming rapidly. The music pauses.
Peter 	(as Groucho Marx) Listen, any more talk like that and I will play.
 	Big finish…
Peter & Muppets	Play, gypsy … Play!
 	Applause.
Statler 	I love good gypsy music.
Waldorf 	So?
Statler 	So, I wish they'd play some.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The gypsy band passes Kermit, making noise.
Kermit 	Quiet, quiet, quiet backstage! Backstage is quiet! Hoo! Next time I think I'm going to schedule a nice, quiet Gregorian chant.
 	A loud VROOM VROOM is heard. Gonzo zooms by him on a motorcycle.
Gonzo 	Gangwayyyy! Kermit! Cancel my motorcycle act!
Kermit 	Gonzo!
 	CRASH!
Kermit 	Oh, what a day this has been. If this keeps up, I'm gonna wind up talking to myself.
 	POP! Dr. Bunsen suddenly appears behind him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ooh, my my my. Another scientific breakthrough for Muppet Labs.
 	
Kermit 	Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?
 	POP! Kermit hardly notices Bunsen disappear.
Kermit 	Something's going on here. I've been shouted at, run down by a motorcycle, and now I'm...
Scooter 	(passing by) Hey, Kermit? You're talking to yourself.
Kermit 	(looks around, confused) Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up. (runs off)
=="When"==
 	Open on a lit candelabra on top of the piano as Rowlf plays.
Rowlf 	When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest…
 	He plays a little trill.
Rowlf 	That's a whippoorwill right there.
When the little brook is murmuring a tune … 
When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood …
And a lonely wolf is howling at the moon … (howls)
 	
Rowlf 	
When the leaves of the old oak tree start a-rustling,
And a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears …
When the whole world is filled with Mother Nature's noises…
That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears!
Waldorf	You never know when something funny is gonna happen on this show.
Statler	Did something funny happen?
Waldorf	Yeah.
Statler	You'd never know it.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Rowlf passes by.
Kermit 	Rowlf, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.
 	POP! Beaker appears behind him, holding a chemistry set.
 	
Kermit 	Beaker!
 	Beaker yelps, tossing the chemistry set.
Kermit 	Beaker?! What is it with you guys from the lab? (POP! Beaker disappears.) First Bunsen and now you? What are you guys trying to do to us?!
Scooter	(passing by) Hey, Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit 	WHAT IS IT??
Scooter	Now you're shouting at yourself.
 	Kermit looks around, whimpering.
==Dressing room==
 	Meanwhile, Peter is in his dressing room, wearing a wig, an opera helmet, a girdle and a boxing glove, practicing a monologue.
Peter 	(falsetto voice) Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.
Kermit	Peter, uh, what is this?
Peter 	(thespian voice) It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a grand impersonation of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria, whilst on vacation at Bognor Regis, in the year 1888.
Kermit	But, but, uh, what went wrong?
Peter 	I couldn't remember what she looked like. (he sits)
Kermit	Uh, you know, I just love all your wild characters, Peter. But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.
Peter 	Mmm, mmm, but that, you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible. I could never be myself.
Kermit	Never yourself?
Peter 	No. You see … there is no me. I do not exist.
Kermit	I, I beg your pardon?
 	Peter looks around, making sure the coast is clear.
Kermit	Yes?
Peter 	There used to be a me.
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
 	
Peter 	But, I had it surgically removed.
Kermit	Uh, can we uh, change the subject?
Peter 	Oh, certainly, certainly. Um... as a matter of fact, you might just be interested in a new act I have recently perfected. Um...
Kermit	Well, what is it?
Peter 	Well, it's original, it's original.
Kermit	Yeah?
Peter 	I, um, recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whilst, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens.
Kermit	So, you recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whilst, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens?
Peter 	You have it, my dear, Kermit. You have it. Tuned chickens, mmm, once more into the bridge.
 	Two chickens appear in his arms, and he "plays" them.
 	
Peter 	And now, is the winter of our discontent... made glorious summer... by this sun of York. And all the clouds... that lour'd upon our house... in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
 	He squeezes a "shave and a haircut" out of the chickens, then gives them some feed. Applause.
Peter 	Thank you.
Kermit	Uh, well, Peter, that … that is really… that is uh, that …
Peter 	They did fine. I enjoy a good ticking.
Kermit	That act is really wonderful. Uh, but you can't do that on our show.
Peter 	Why ever not?
Kermit	Well, because Gonzo just did it last month.
Gonzo 	And it died, Peter. It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here.
Peter 	Ooh, but you're absolutely right, my dear Gonzo. They have no taste at all.
 	POP! Gonzo disappears.
Peter 	Where did he go?
Kermit	Well, Peter, you know, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why. But, if people or objects just suddenly appear or disappear, try to ignore them.
 	POP! A bomb with a lit fuse appears on the table.
Kermit	Uh, cancel that last remark! Run!
Peter 	I have a pressing appointment!
 	POP! Peter disappears.
Kermit	Oh, thank goodness he got away in time.
 	BOOM! The bomb explodes, rattling Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, unlike some people around here. (faints)
==UK spot==
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen... (tugs) uh, my foot is stuck. Uh … and now, ladies and gentlemen, uh … who chews gum around here? Uh, the Great Gonzo also sings and... uh, here he is to sing an old favorite, "Down Memory Lane."
 	PLOP! He unsticks himself and falls over.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
 	
 	Rowlf plays the piano as Gonzo sings "Memory Lane." At the end, he wheels away the piano, as well as Rowlf.
==Link and Doctor Merkwürdigliebe==
 	Open on an operating table. Link struggles to do a pushup.
Link Hogthrob	(exhales) One.
 	Link sees the doctor enter and does two more.
Link Hogthrob	Seventy-two. Seventy-three.
Peter 	(as Dr. Strangelove) Somebody call for ze masseur?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, yes, Doc, good.
Peter 	(chuckles) Well, I'm just here to try to... loosen up your knotty little body, yes?
Link Hogthrob	Good, Doc.
 	He starts on Link's shoulders.
Peter 	I shall start here. How is that, Link?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, nice.
Peter 	You like zat?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, yeah.
 	
Peter 	Good. Now, the next thing I must do, Link, is to test out ze elasticity of the tendons in the leg areas.
Link Hogthrob	Mm, good.
Peter 	It's quite easy.
 	He picks up a dumbbell and drops it on Link's feet.
Peter 	By the use of the simple little thing...
Link Hogthrob	Ow! Yes.
Peter 	I'm sure zat didn't missed you, I'm a very good shot, you know.
 	He rolls up Link's left leg in the dumbbell, then the right leg.
Peter 	Tell me, Link, if you can feel that the blood is flowing easier wiz zat.
Link Hogthrob	(sighs)
Peter 	How is that? And again is on zis vun here. How is that?
Link Hogthrob	(sighs)
Peter 	Oh, Dr. Merkwürdigliebe is pleased, you know.
Link Hogthrob	Very unusual feeling.
 	He rolls up both of Link's legs in the barbell.
Peter 	Oh, Link, I'm going to try both of them in this. How is that? You can feel that?
Link Hogthrob	Oh! Yeah.
Peter 	Doing you good, Linky?
 	He unrolls the barbell and catches it.
Peter 	Yay, I caught it. (puts it down) Now, Linky, let me see if that has done what I thought.
 	He tests the elasticity of each leg.
Peter 	Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, I think also... I think that's necessary, Link. Are you prepared for a bit of manipulation here? I'm just going to easily bring this leg around TO ZE BACK, LINK!
 	He bends the leg backward! Link groans.
Peter 	You did not feel zat, Link?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, no, no, it felt good.
Peter 	Ze muscles are in good condition.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, yes, I loved it.
Peter 	I can tell a good muscle when I feel one, Link, you know. And zis one will have to come ze OTHER SIDE!
 	He swings the other leg around.
Peter 	That is leaving your arms free at the moment, you notice.
Link Hogthrob	Yes.
Peter 	But, is necessary when in zis position, for the vertebras and the altadeltoids, you understand, to bring zis arm here and ze other arm dere.
 	He proceeds to tie Link into a pretzel.
 	200px
Peter 	And putting zis here like zis. … Wait, Link, you've got my arm in here. Let go of me, Link. Let go of my arm, Link.
Link Hogthrob	Well uh …
Peter 	(frees himself) Thank you, Link. I can see you like to keep it when you've got it, huh? Wait while I put zat zere.
Link Hogthrob	Is that my foot?
Peter 	Ah, Linky, how do you feel?
Link Hogthrob	Ah, yes, well, very different, Doc.
Peter 	All that blood is circulating nicely around your body?
Link Hogthrob	Mm-hm.
Peter 	Good. I can see zat you are in real good condition now, Link. Same time next week.
 	He exits the room. Applause.
Link Hogthrob	Doc? Doc? Help! Help!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and Fozzie overhear Link as he cries for help.
Fozzie 	Oh boy.
Kermit 	Was that supposed to end that way?
Fozzie 	I don't think so.
Kermit 	Fozzie, would you go check the next act, please?
Fozzie 	Yes, sir. Hey Kermit, take it easy. Come on, now.
 	
Link Hogthrob	Uh, Kermit, that's the best massage I've ever had. Hmm. That Peter O'Toole is good. ("ankles" away)
Kermit 	Peter O'Toole? Link!
 	POP! Beaker appears in front of him. He shrieks, causing Beaker to throw up a teacup in the air. Beaker disappears right before the teacup lands.
Kermit 	(stammers) What is this? I think I'm going crazy today!
Fozzie 	Kermit! Oh, Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	Oh, no! The next act just cancelled.
Kermit 	What? But, that was a terrific act. It was Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie 	Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah … Kermit, see, about, about that poultry...
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
 	
Fozzie 	… yesterday duck hunting season began.
Kermit 	I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.
=="Bein' Green"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how to tell you this, uh, but uh, frankly, the next act can't make it. They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid. Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.
 	The curtain opens behind him, revealing a blank set.
Kermit	Oh, boy. You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here, and … and tonight I'm just barely making it, I don't know... sometimes it's very difficult.
 	
 	Music swells up as he goes to sit on a crate. As he sings "Bein' Green", the stage gradually fills with a swamp setting.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I am just bubbly with excitement. We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter, and it works perfectly. You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people from one place to another.
Kermit 	A-ha! So, that's what's been happening around here. You have been zapping people in and out of my theater!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(stammers) Please, Mr. Kermit, I'm in the very midst of an important demonstration.
 	He pushes Kermit into the teleporter.
 	
Kermit 	Yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown. You cannot go zapping people around...
 	POP! Kermit disappears with the push of a button.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly. A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker, hurtling through space to the deepest jungles of Africa. And now we will bring him back.
 	
 	POP! With the push of a button, Beaker appears, being manhandled by a wild mountain gorilla.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker! Beaker, put that gorilla back! Oh! You don't know where he's been!
 	POP! He sends them back.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	There. Back to Africa they go. And now just Beaker will return.
 	POP! Kermit and the gorilla return.
Kermit 	Beaker, this thing has gotta stop! Honeydew?! Wha — whoever did this?!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all today from Muppet Labs.
Kermit 	You bet that's all!
 	Kermit frees himself as the scene ends in chaos.
=="Cigarettes and Whiskey"==
 	Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie 	Oh boy, I am gonna make this introduction. Ladies and gentlemen...
 	Enter Peter.
Peter 	Now is the winter of our discontent.
Fozzie 	Peter — Peter!
Peter 	Yes?
Fozzie 	Y — You're supposed to be in your costume for the next number.
Peter 	Oh, I beg your pardon.
Fozzie 	Oh, wait here — uh, by the way...
Peter 	Yes?
Fozzie 	The show is running a bit long.
Peter 	Yes.
Fozzie 	So try to be short.
Peter 	Short? Yes. How about this?
 	
 	He lowers himself to Fozzie's level and waddles away.
Fozzie 	He takes things so literally. Ladies and gentlemen, I take pride in presenting the incredible Peter Sellers!
 	The curtain opens on a Salvation Army band, with Peter on the bass drum.
Peter 	(over the opening vamp) A preachment, dear friends, you're about to receive, on John Barleycorn, nicotine, and the temptations of Eve.
Tambourine player	Oh yay!
Alcoholic 	Well, if it's so good, let's hear it.
Peter 	You will, brother, you will. Melodies, please.
 	Cue the music.
 	
Peter 	
Once I was happy and I had a good wife.
I had enough money to last me for life.
I met with a gal and we went on a spree.
She tort me to smoke and drink whuskey.
Peter & Muppets 	
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
 	BOOM! They all jump to his loud bass drum hits.
Peter & Muppets 	
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Alcoholic 	I believe! I'll give it up!
Peter 	
Cigareets is a blight on the whole human race!
A man is a monkey with one in his face.
That's my definition; believe me, dear brother…
A fire on one end and a fool on the t'other.
Peter & Muppets 	
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Pig 	Sing "Temptation"!
Peter 	Somebody get that bum outta here?
Right on the cross at the head of my grave —
"To women and whiskey, here lies a poor slave".
Take warning, dear stranger, take warning, dear friend.
They'll write in big letters these words at thy end…
Peter & Muppets 	
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women — 
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insaaaaaaaaaane!
Peter 	Hallelujah, brother!
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	OK, well, that's about it for this show but, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!
 	POP! Peter appears behind Kermit.
Peter 	Thank you very much, indeed. (bows)
Kermit 	Uh, well, there you are.
 	POP! Peter disappears.
Kermit 	Uh — were.
 	POP! Peter appears behind Kermit wearing a helmet.
Peter 	(German accent) Am.
Kermit 	Uh, this is all too much for me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	
 	POP! A gaggle of Muppets appears behind Kermit. The credits roll.
Statler	Well, what did you think?
 	POP! Waldorf disappears.
 	
Statler	Yeah, I know what (either you... or you're...)
 	POP! Statler disappears.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts