Go To Hell

Go To Hell is the second episode of Kakos Industries.
== Synopsis ==
In which Corin recaps the Shareholders' Ball, the Thank Evil campaign is launched, preparations are made for the sex tape, we get news from Hell, and Myrtle de las Rosas wins the Ruin a Life contest. 
== Summary ==
Corin Deeth III opens the announcements as CEO of Kakos Industries. He notes that this style of announcement has taking confidence in Kakos to an all-time high, while increasing employee and investor fear. He also reminds listeners that these announcements are for Kakos shareholders only. Shareholders are told that if any non-shareholders are listening nearby, their blood is literally on the shareholders' hands. Kakos has called the police, and the shareholder will be found guilty of the murder or murders. However their investor radios will still be delivered to them in prison so they will not fall behind on industry announcements.
=== Radio ===
The broadcast comes via a Audiophile Plus Plus Mahogany Tube Radio. Corin describes the impeccable craftsmanship of the Audiophile Plus Plus Mahogany Tube Radio, claiming it provides "most accurate reproduction of any sound you have ever heard." The radio does not have a set price. Normally the highest echelon of sound snobs are contacted mysteriously in the night and given a price and where to pay it in order to receive an Audiophile Plus Plus unit. Corin describes what a rare privilege it is to listen to this radio, and reminds shareholders that it will need to be destroyed, as per usual, at the conclusion of the broadcast.
=== Shareholders' Ball ===
Corin states he had a wonderful time at the recent Shareholders' Ball, and briefly discusses the blood orgy which followed the event. He reports that many shareholders engaged in the orgy so intensely that they "remained nearly comatose for days," while still others—namely, Daniel Samsa, Lois Wren, and Yves Pedois—indulged to the point of death. Their bodies are encased in platinum in the basement ballroom in memorial. As none of the deceased had next of kin to receive their shares, they will instead be divided between the remaining Kakos Industries shareholders. Corin says the attribution will either by based on how much they like the given shareholder or at random, but they will not explain which. Any shareholders with a prime number of shares after the distribution will win a "prize."
=== Fire festival ===
Corin announces the upcoming fire festival, in which a Kakos Industries branch will be burnt down so it can be "rebuilt better." Currently in consideration are the Northwest and Koreatown locations. Corin further addresses questions about Kakos Industries' ownership or involvement in the Koreatown location, as it appears to simply be a dry cleaner, but says he cannot explain further at this time. Kakos Industries employees are encouraged to bring any evidence or incriminating documents to whichever location is chosen for the festival, and notes that, if the Koreatown location is chosen, employees should not bring their children to the daycare next door that day, and be sure to pick up their dry cleaning.
=== Division updates ===
The Valkyrian Division makes the statement "War is glorious. War is just. War is awesome. War is all. The state of nature is war, and society is a farce." Corin notes that, while Kakos Industries does profit from war, they also profit from the "illusion of civilization," and will sentence the valkyries to community service.
The Division of Propagating Propaganda begins their "Thank Evil" campaign, to combat the common phrase "thank goodness." Corin says that the phrase "thank goodness" has even been said within Kakos Industries premises, occasionally without punishment. He further explains that evil has often taught people important lessons, or reminded them what is truly important in life in a way that goodness does not, and encourages listeners to "thank evil."
The Adult Entertainment Branch continues development on the new hole, though they have found that it sometimes "interacts unpredictably with regular spinal function." Further progress has been made toward the sex tape featuring the new hole, including set design for the starlet's bedroom. Some complications have arisen around a portion of the sex tape that was to involve night vision, as the new hole glows in the dark. Research is also started into a new hole for men.
The report on the Division of Lobbying is suddenly interrupted by static, and two people talking about a need to restart Denny.
The Division of Secret Societies has discovered and begun courting a new secret society, the Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations. Kakos industries hopes to acquire this society in the near future.
Corin provides an update from Hell, the Kakos Industries labor camp established deep below the earth's surface. The camp is called "Hell" as the tunnels where laborers toil were initially dug during a research expedition to find the actual biblical Hell. A new mineral compound has been discovered while mining in Hell, which can be made into tiny, pointy objects. Corin describes the objects as "sufficient to register pain, but not large enough to do any actual damage to the human body." Testing with the compound has begun by putting it in the laborers' shoes.
The Division of Energy has produced Clean Burning Uranium. It is much like regular uranium, but with a better sounding name.
=== Things We're Taking Credit For Now ===
* Mania
* Mondays
* The song Manic Monday.
=== The office romance ===
Corin updates shareholders on the office romance between Kara Smith and Billy Wessler. Both parties have received the romantic notes signed by the other, but they have not yet met in person. Corin wonders if they are shy, and frets that they may not like each other.
=== Ruin-a-Life Drawing ===
Myrtle de las Rosas wins the Ruin-a-Life Drawing, causing her nemesis, Connie Ling, to have her life ruined with bad taste. Corin clarifies that there are two options for "Bad Taste" on the Wheel of Misery, one referring to an unpleasant taste sensation that never goes away, and the other having to do with metaphorical taste in fashion, media, and friends. Connie will suffer the latter, and is now, in effect, a "douchebag." Myrtle is advised to have her chest pains checked out by a doctor.
=== Numbers ===
44 44 44 44 4 44 44 44 44 4
== External links ==
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Category:Episodes