Peter and Jens on New Super Squidward Chat

"Peter and Jens on New Super Squidward Chat" is the very first episode of the brand new series New Super Squidward Chat.
==Characters==
*Elmo 3V announcer
*Squidward Tentacles
*
*Peter
*
*New Super Squidward Chat crew member
*
*Unnamed callers
*Elizabeth II
*
*New Super Squidward Chat producer
*Freddy Fazbear (mentioned)
*Bonnie the Bunny (mentioned)
*Chica the Chicken (mentioned)
*Foxy the Fox Pirate (mentioned)
*Golden Freddy (mentioned)
*Jill
*
*Karen Plankton
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Patrick Star
*Unnamed chicken
==Transcript==
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents...
Announcer: "New Super Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward: Welcome ba- I mean- Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Super Squidward Chat"! A brand new show, which has nothing to do with any controversial predecessor, every Sunday here on Elmo 3V! Today, we're joined by some very special guests to talk to you about life's problems. One is a psychologist, the other has. [checks script] No prior therapeutic experience whatsoever, BUT, he is an expert at dealing with conflict. More on them in a few minutes, but first, please welcome our musical guest for this episode! Eminem!
[Eminem enters the set to cheers from the crew, music starts playing]
Eminem: Ow, ow, ow
Oh, goddamn!
I'm gonna facking cum!
Oh, shit!
Fack, fack, fack
Fuck, I am!
I am, I'm going to cum
I'm cumming!
Squidward: [interrupts] Em- Em- thank you. I've just been told that we can't do that song at this time so [music starts playing again] apologies to viewers who were offended by i-
Eminem: [interrupts] You find me offensive
I find you offensive
For finding me offensive
Squidward: Thanks Eminem, we'll have more from you-
Eminem: Hence, if
I should draw the line any fences, if so, to what extents, if
Squidward: You'll have another-
Eminem: Any, should I go? 'Cause it's getting expensive
Squidward: More from Eminem a little later on in the show-
Eminem: Being on the other side of the courtroom on the defensive
Squidward: HEY! Speaking of defense-
Eminem: They say I cause extensive psychological nerve damage to the brain
Squidward: And speaking of psychology. Please welcome today's guests, the psychologist from the hit movie The Room (2003), Peter and the secretary general of NATO, Jens Stoltenberg. Welcome to the show both-
One crew member: WOO!
Squidward: Thank you- welcome to the show, both of you. [doorbell rings]
Peter: Did you hear the door?
Squidward: Yeah, I did. [goes to answer the door, it's Russell Brand]
Russell Brand: Guys, I'm so sorry I'm late. There was a show on Channel 4 that I didn't want to miss.
Squidward: Russell Brand, what are you doing here?
Russell Brand: I saw this post saying you guys needed me. [hands Squidward a poster advertising the episode] So, here I am!
Squidward: This poster says that we needed a therapist.
Russell Brand: ...therapist? [reads it again] Oh... I thought it said you needed the-. You know what, nevermind. [turns to the camera, holding a book in his hands] Hey, buy my new Booky Wook!
Squidward: OK Ru-
Russell Brand: It's not in any shops... Online or offline.
Squidward: Thanks Russell.
Russell Brand: Just- just donate the money to me on Rumble.
Squidward: That's enough Russell-
Russell Brand: And remember. The relationships I had were absolutely, always- [jump cuts to him outside Squidward's house] consensual.
[Squidward sits back down at his desk]
Squidward: Now then, we're going to take some calls from our audience. If you want to ask Peter and Jens about anything you're currently going through please call the number 0370 524 4622. Do NOT call the number, if you're watching a repeat or on-demand.
Peter: What happens if you do that?
Squidward: [slowly turns his head around to Peter] You don't want to know... [Peter looks terrified] Anyway, before we take the calls. Why don't you two introduce yourselves?
Peter: I'm Peter... I'm a psychologist... I have some advice.
Squidward: OK... Uh, Jens, what about you?
Jens: Today, we are all Egyptians.
Squidward: Right... OK. Uh... [phone rings] Ooh, let's take our first call, surely this bit can't go wrong. [answers phone] Hello, you're on New Squi- uh, New Super Squidward Chat! What can we help you with? [pause]
Caller: [starts crying] OH GOD!
Squidward: Wh-wh-what's wrong?
Caller: I FOUND THIS FUCKING ONION! [cuts off]
Squidward: OH, NO, NO, NO! WE CAN'T SAY THAT WORD!
Jens: Why can't we say "onion"?!
Squidward: NO! NOT THAT ONE, THE OTHER ONE! THE ONE HE SAID BEFORE "ONION"!
Jens: Oh. Fucking.
Squidward: NO! APOLOGIES TO VIEWERS WHO WERE OFFENDED BY THAT! We couldn't possibly have seen that coming. [phone rings] Let's take another call. [answers phone] You're on New Super Squidward Chat, how can we help?
Caller: Hello. I have a, uh, little problem with my son.
Squidward: Ooh. I think Peter can help you with that one.
Caller: I don't understand children. Do you, Peter?
Peter: What man does? What's your problem?
Caller: OK so... This sounds ridiculous... But...
Peter: I'm sure I'll be able to help. I don't know anything about your son, but I'm sure he's great and just needs a little bit of suppor-
Caller: My son keeps trying to throw houses at me.
Peter: ...what?
Caller: Yep. He's been playing a lot of video games lately and I've been trying to get him to do his homework. But every time I try to talk to him, he goes outside, picks up a random house from the street and tries to throw it at me. There are barely any houses left on the street, everyone's moved out.
Peter: Your son is a SOCIOPATH!
Squidward: This is a troll. This call is a troll. There is no way this is real!
Caller: No. No. No. I'm dead serious.
Squidward: What's your name?
Caller: I don't want to give you that information, my son might be watching this show.
Squidward: Oh, come on.
Jens: You know what I think you should do? I think, next time your son tries to throw a house at you, you should grab something and defend yourself. You have every right to defend yourself, don't let your enemy threaten you.
Caller: Oh, OK. Thank you.
Squidward: Why are you giving him advice? This call isn't real.
Caller: [a door is heard opening] Hey, that assignment is due tomorrow. Don't you think you should start working on it? [footsteps can be heard] Where are you going, son? What are you doing with that house?
Peter: I believe him, Squidward.
Caller: Here, I have this pole. You can't throw that house at me, I'm armed!
Squidward: This is obviously staged. There is no way a teenager has the strength to pick up a house and throw it at his father- [A LOUD CRASHING NOISE IS HEARD] Uh... [beeeeeeep] I think we just lost the line there...
[Silence. Phone rings.]
Squidward: Oh, thank God. [answers phone] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat. How can we help?
Caller: So... I had an argument with my boyfriend over something he did. I also decided to delete all of the games on his PS4 and give it to somebody else. Was that the right thing to do?
Squidward: Peter, what do you think?
Peter: Hmm... That's pretty much stealing. What did your boyfriend do? I'm sure it can't have been that bad.
Caller: The neighbour's kids accidentally kicked their football into our yard.
Peter: Right?
Caller: And they went to come and get it and my boyfriend just started screaming at them about how poorly they were raised.
Peter: Uh-huh.
Caller: Then it happened again a week later. I was going to throw it back into their yard, but my boyfriend stormed outside and brought the ball inside.
Peter: OK?
Caller: I told the kids that the ball was coming, it'll be here in a few minutes. 10 minutes later, my boyfriend emerged from the bathroom wearing gloves and holding a football covered in shit.
Peter: What the fu-?
Caller: HIS OWN SHIT. He stormed past me and threw the ball over the fence screaming "TAKE THAT YOU BITCHES!" So, am I the asshole for deleting his PS4 games and giving the PS4 to the kids as an apology?
Peter: I'm not sure if this story is real, Squidward.
Squidward: AND THE OTHER ONE WAS?! Oh, and apologies for any bad language you may have heard during that story. [phone rings] Maybe this call will be more normal. [answers the phone] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat, how can we help? [drinks coffee]
Elizabeth II: Hi it's the Queen.
Squidward: [spits out coffee] Wh- what? The Queen? Of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms? I thought you were dead.
Elizabeth: II: No I am not dead.
Squidward: Oh my God, this could be the biggest interview I have ever done. Where are you, Your Majesty? Everyone thought you were dead, Charles is King now.
Elizabeth II: I am not dead.
Squidward: Yes. We've established that, but where have you been for the last year?
Elizabeth II: I am kidnapped.
Squidward: Oh. Really?
Elizabeth II: Yes. I need 500 pounds for the ransom.
Squidward: Oh no. Is there anybody else there with you?
Elizabeth II: Yes. I am with Captain Tom, he is alive.
Squidward: Oh God. [phone rings] One second, Your Majesty, I've got another call coming. Stay on the line. [answers phone] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat.
Captain Tom: Hi, Tom here. I want to go for a walk.
Peter: Squidward, I think this is a scam.
Squidward: Nope, this sounds real to me. [starts speaking to a producer in the background] Hey, can someone transfer 500 pounds for the ransom so we can get them both out for an interview?
New Super Squidward Chat producer: Uh, are you sure about this?
Squidward: Absolutely! This is going to make us millions! [phone rings] Ooh, I wonder if this is another celebrity?! [answers phone] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat!
Caller: How can I survive Five Nights at Freddy's?
Squidward: ...really? That's what you ask about? How are we supposed to help you with tha-?
Jens: Notice your power. If you run out of power, Freddy Fazbear, one of the main antagonists, will come and end your night, unless it becomes 6:00 before his jingle ends.
Squidward: Oh?
Jens: Know there are four main animatronics. The four animatronics are Bonnie the Bunny, Chica the Chicken, Foxy the Fox Pirate, and Freddy Fazbear. These animatronics are listed in order of activeness. Bonnie is the most active, while Freddy is the least. Bonnie and Foxy come to the left door, and Chica and Freddy always come to the right door. It is very rare, but sometimes Foxy will become active on Night 1 instead of Night 2.
Squidward: OK?
Jens: Check the door lights and cameras only sparingly on Night 1. However, this is all you'll need. The animatronics rarely attack, making this the best night to try to find Golden Freddy. Freddy is not active at all, (unless you run out of power) Bonnie and Chica are not very active, and Foxy only has a small chance of appearing.
Squidward: Uh-huh?
Jens: Check the doors rapidly, but still very sparingly, on Night 2. Bonnie and Chica are much more active on this night compared to Night 1. Foxy also appears, making the player constantly check the cameras. Make sure to check his camera often, though not extremely frequently; this only makes his stages when he peeks through the curtain more shorter, meaning you have a shorter window of time than you think to react once he's out. Try to check his cam every other time you open the camera. This is the final night where Freddy only attacks you if you run out of power.
Squidward: Right?
Jens: Check the door lights more often than on the previous two nights on Night 3. Chica and Bonnie become significantly more aggressive. Foxy also peeks out of the cove much faster than on Night two, so keep an eye on that. Freddy also becomes active on this night, but only a little. He will attack if not kept a close eye on. The only way to identify Freddy on the camera is by his glowing eyes. Sometimes he will have a faint silhouette. Use the same method for Night 2, but still try to conserve power, at least 3% by the last couple of seconds of 5 AM. If you run out of power, you better hope and pray Freddy performs the long version of "Toreador March."
Squidward: OK Jens-
Jens: Use the method of checking door lights more but be more aware of Freddy's laugh on Night 4. Freddy is much more active and is aware of the player's gameplay tactics. He is incredibly difficult to understand, predict, and deal with from now on.
Squidward: Thank-
Jens: Check Foxy and Freddy and check the doors while keeping the right door shut when viewing the monitor on Night 5. Night 5 is where the game gets incredibly brutal. The animatronics are more active than ever. You will also start to notice Bonnie and Chica twitching, a sign of their impatience and aggression.
Squidward: That's enough Jens-
Jens: Use the same method for Nights 3 to 5 on Night 6 but be much quicker and more efficient. In order to complete the night, it is advised to have certain amounts of power at certain times. Each animatronic is extremely active and, if you're not careful, you could die before the end of 12 am.
Squidward: OK, Jens. Thanks very much.
Jens: Source: WikiHow.
Squidward: That's great. [phone rings, Squidward answers] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat. How can we help?
Caller: I was making some buildings and Jill kept knocking them down!
[the entire cast gasps]
Squidward: Oh no!
Peter: I can't believe it.
Jill: [on the phone] Up a hill! Up a hill! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Caller: Oh. You've knocked down my building again, stop!
Jill: [on the phone] Up a hill. Up a hill... Up a hill! Up a hill! [the caller gasps] Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Caller: Jill, don't do that...
Squidward: What's going on?
Jill: [on the phone] Up a hill! Up a hill! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Caller: Every time I build something, Jill knocks it down.
Squidward: This sounds like a really big problem.
Jens: Don't worry, Squidward! I've sent NATO troops to defend the caller's land!
Squidward: Uh. Are you sure that's the best action we could take here?
Jens: An attack against one is an attack against all.
Squidward: If you say so... [phone rings, Squidward answers] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat.
Caller: I have an even bigger problem.
Squidward: Do tell.
Caller: So, I'm super straight.
[pause]
Squidward: Right?
Caller: Super straight.
Squidward: Uh-huh.
Caller: Straighter than a ruler.
Squidward: I get it.
Peter: You know, your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of.
Caller: I'm not ashamed. I am proud... to be super straight.
Peter: OK.
Caller: But... I have a crush on my gay friend.
Peter: Yep, uh-huh.
Caller: He is very attractive.
Peter: OK... Have you tried talking to him about this?
Caller: I did think about it... but... I'm worried this could be an issue with my girlfriend.
Peter: Oh....
Caller: Yeah... I don't know what to do... He's so hot...
Peter: Alright, you want my advice? Sometimes life can get complicated and you've got to be responsible. So you don't see your girlfriend again, and you definitely don't sleep with her again.
Caller: He's so attractive you don't even know...
[drool starts coming out of the phone, Squidward hangs up]
Squidward: Thanks for that... [Squidward is given a piece of paper by a crew member] What's this? [reads it] Oh, it's a question that was emailed to us... I don't know the answer to this. [shows it to Jens and Peter] Do either of you know? [they both shake their heads] OK, Eminem, what about you? [passes it to Eminem. He reads it.]
Eminem: Let's ask Dr. Dre- Dr. Dre? [a crew member slowly wheels mobile Karen on the set. She has an AI model of Dr. Dre on screen]
AI Dr. Dre: What up?
Eminem: I got a question, if I may?
AI Dr. Dre: Yeah.
Eminem: Is it gay? To play, putt-putt golf with a friend?
AI Dr. Dre: Yeah.
Eminem: And watch his butt-butt when he tees off?
AI Dr. Dre: Yeah.
Eminem: But up, I ain't done yet.
In football, the quarterback yells out, "Hut-hut"
While he reaches in another grown man's ass
Grabs on his nuts, but, just, what if
It was never meant—it was just an accident
But he tripped, fell, slipped, and his penis went in—
His teeny-tiny, little, round heinie, and he didn't mean it
But his little weenie flinched just a little bit
And I don't need to go into any more details, but
What if he pictured it as a female's butt?
Is that gay? I just need to clear things up
AI Dr. Dre: I'm sorry, but I cannot comply with your request. As an AI language model developed by OpenAI, I am bound by certain ethical guidelines and content policies. These policies are in place to ensure responsible and safe usage of AI technology. I am here to provide helpful and informative responses while maintaining a respectful and considerate approach. If you have any questions or need assistance within the bounds of my programming, I'll be happy to help.
Squidward: Thank you, Eminem and, uhhh, Dr. Dre. [phone rings, Squidward answers] Hello, you're live on New Super Squidward Chat.
Caller: Hi. So... I have a bit of a confession to make.
Squidward: Alright.
Caller: But... I don't feel comfortable making it on live TV. I just need someone to tell me it'll all be OK.
Squidward: Fair enough, we've muted the call so we can hear it but our viewers can't...
[silence]
Squidward: YOU DID WHAT?!
Peter: WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?! GOD!!!
Jens: Israel has every right to defend itself.
Squidward: WHAT?! HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ISRAEL! [starts sweating] It's gotten hot in here, all of a sudden. Can someone get me a glass of water, please? [a crew member passes him a glass of water] Thank you. [he throws all the water onto himself] OK. I think we're... we're good. Right, [Peter starts reaching out to touch the pictures on the wall] we'll take just one more call. [phone rings, Squidward answers] You're live on New Super Squidward Chat.
SpongeBob: [on the phone] Hi Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [on the phone] That's my name! I have a little problem with Patrick.
Squidward: Why, what's happened?
SpongeBob: [on the phone] So me and Patrick found this stray chicken in the street and we've been taking care of it. But we've been arguing with each other a lot more ever since.
Patrick: [on the phone] I'M DOING ALL THE WORK!
SpongeBob: [on the phone] YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ANYTHING, PATRICK!
Squidward: Oh God.
Jens: I have an idea on how you can resolve this conflict.
Squidward: Oh, thank you Jen-
Jens: Nuclear bombs.
Squidward: What?
Jens: You simply need to show Patrick that you have nuclear bombs, as a deterrent.
Squidward: Wha- does this not seem like an overreaction to you?
Jens: Nope, I think it's perfectly reasonable.
SpongeBob: [on the phone] Thank you Jens. [hangs up]
Squidward: Uh- well. That's it for this week's New Super Squidward Chat.
[cut to SpongeBob and Patrick arguing outside]
Patrick: GO ON SPONGEBOB! DO IT! YOU WON'T!
[SpongeBob is about to set off a nuclear weapon]
SpongeBob: 5... 4... [the chicken clucks and runs off]
Squidward: Many thanks to my guests today, Peter, Jens Stoltenbeg and Eminem. Joining me next week will be-
[the chicken runs into Squidward's house]
Squidward: What the-?
[the chicken jumps into Peter's arms]
Peter: Why is there a chicken here-
[the nuke goes off causing a massive explosion in Bikini Bottom. To be continued...]
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