Holy Smokes

"Holy Smokes" is the third episode of SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD. Written by FireMatch, the episode was first aired on August 23, 2022 on Edgemo.
===Synopsis===
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Golfpecks256 are stuck in a broken elevator.
===Transcript===
[The episode begins with a low-quality GIF of shrugging. The screen then fades to black as it shows a crudely drawn fan-made logo for SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD.]
Narrator: This show does not have an official logo, so we have gathered our children from the local preschool to make one for this episode.
Joshua: Mister Nawwator, sir, what is dis picture for?
Narrator: It’s for our nightly show, THREE’S A CROWD. Now go eat your animal crackers before I-
[A laugh track interrupts as the scene cuts to the actual episode, where it takes place in Squidward Community Hotel’s lobby.]
Larry the Lobster: IT IS TIME, MY FELLOW TRUMPERS! FOLLOW ME TO BOARD THE TRUMP TRAIN!
Joe Biden: When do we get our free keychains?
[Text flashes on screen saying “JOSEPH R. BIDEN”, and vanishes.]
Larry the Lobster: AFTER THE RIOT– I MEAN THE RALLY! LET’S GO, PEOPLE!
[The majority of the people rush upstairs instead of using the elevator.]
Joe Biden: Huh, wonder why people aren’t using the elevator.
Donald Trump: I know, right? They’re truly missing out.
[Text flashes on screen saying “THE ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP”, and vanishes.]
Joe Biden: YOU!
[A sweaty businessman-looking guy pants his way into the lobby.]
Golfpecks256: Right on time.
Joe Biden: I’m afraid everyone has already left, sir. And you are?
Golfpecks256: I will not dox myself, so I will only use my stage name: Golfpecks256.
[Text flashes on screen saying “GOLFPECKS256”, and vanishes.]
Joe Biden: Nice to meet you… Golfpecks… what was that again?
Golfpecks256: [groans] This is why I don’t support you anymore, you don’t remember JACK!
Joe Biden: Who’s Jack?
Golfpecks256: [grunts in anger] I’m gonna BLOW UP LIKE… LIKE… LIKE…
Donald Trump: C’mon, man, spit it out.
Golfpecks256: [turning red] I’M GONNA BLOW UP LIKE BENSON!
Donald Trump: Whoa, man, no need to make it that time of month early. [laughs]
Joe Biden: I don’t get it…
Donald Trump: Forget it, blue bastard, you’re lucky you even got the . Let’s just get into the elevator. I don’t wanna miss this Trump guy’s rally.
Golfpecks256: Me neither. We are being unproductive right now, so let’s get to it.
[Cut to a minimal black and white titlecard that says “HOLY SMOKES”, before cutting back to the hotel, wherein Golf leads the two Presidents into the elevator, and presses a button to take them to the fifth floor. The elevator door then closes behind them.]
Joe Biden: I feel absolutely nothing.
Donald Trump: That’s because the elevator isn’t moving, old man.
Golfpecks256: Something isn’t right. This elevator should have moved ages ago.
Donald Trump: I should’ve been re-elected ages ago. That’s why we’re having the riot– I MEAN RALLY!
Joe Biden: Man, I sure wish I had that keychain right now.
Donald Trump: Forget the keychain, we’re stuck in this stupid elevator!
Golfpecks256: Should we call for help?
Donald Trump: I’m the President, I’ll handle this.
[Trump pulls out his phone and starts dialing a number.]
Donald Trump: Hello there. Mmm. Yeah, we need your help, stuck in a stupid-ass elevator.
Golfpecks256: [whispering] Language…
[Trump shushes Golf, pushing him away.]
Donald Trump: Yeah, uh-huh. Goodbye. 
[Trump hangs up and puts his phone back in his pocket.]
Trump: The ralliers should help free us soon enough.
Golfpecks256: GREAT! So… what do we do in the meantime? Anyone paid any attention to stocks lately?
[The Presidents whistle and twiddle their thumbs.]
Golfpecks256: BLASPHEMY! MUTINY! UNPRODUCTIVE!
Joe Biden: Will you shut up, man? I can’t even hear myself think!
Donald Trump: You can’t even think.
Joe Biden: Why yes I can! I…. I… I–I–I– 
[Biden falls unconscious as if he just had a blue screen computer error.]
Donald Trump: Great, now it’s just the two of us. What do we do now?
Golfpecks256: Joe Biden used to be my idol, although I hate to admit that now. I gotta help get him back up. Although I do love you too, Donny.
[Donald Trump blushes.]
Donald Trump: Alright, fine, you can go wake him up.
Golfpecks256: Alright then.
[Golf taps Biden on the shoulder to wake him up, but to no avail.]
Golfpecks256: WAKEY WAKEY, SLEEPY HEAD!
[Silence.]
Golfpecks256: SLEEPY JOE?! …?!
[This actually wakes Biden up.]
Joe Biden: HUNTER?! WHERE?! Oh… sorry, it’s just that someone named Hunter was my arch rival in high school and– 
Golfpecks256: You know what, forget it. You’re awake now.
Joe Biden: What do you even want from me, man? I was having the slumber of a lifetime! And that’s saying a lot, considering I’m… how old am I again?
Donald Trump: We have phones nowadays, Sleepy Joe. You’re 79 years old.
Joe Biden: Wow. I am old. Who knew?
[Trump sighs.]
Golfpecks256: So, have either of you fine folks heard of ?
Donald Trump: That’s a word. It means “disagreement between people.”
Golfpecks256: No, no, not the dictionary definition, I mean the social media app.
Donald Trump: Ohhhh. What the hell is that?
[Golfpecks pulls out his from his pocket and opens up Discord.]
Donald Trump: You mean you’ve had that in your POCKET the entire time?
Golfpecks256: Yep. It’s an essential device to have at hand.
Donald Trump: What about a phone? That’s pretty essential.
Golfpecks256: Too distracting. Too unproductive. Too addicting.
Donald Trump: …And an iPad isn’t?
Golfpecks256: It can’t be addicting, it doesn’t even make phone calls! Anyway, I’m on this server called Bidencord 2.0.
Joe Biden: BIDEN?! WHERE?!
Donald Trump: Oh, my God…
Golfpecks256: Joe Biden, YOU are Biden.
Joe Biden: Ohh. Right. Sorry about that guys. Also where are we?
[Donald Trump facepalms so hard that he leaves a red mark on his face.]
Joe Biden: Did you get a sunburn, man?
Golfpecks256: HOLY SMOKES!
Biden and Trump: What is it?
Golfpecks256: BIDENCORD 2.0 GOT DELETED!
Joe Biden: Man, will I be deleted next?
Donald Trump: [raising a fist] If you keep this up, I’ll– oh, forget it. What’s the point? What’s the point in doing anything… at this point?
[Trump lets a tear roll down his cheek.]
Golfpecks256: Yeah, after Bidencord 2.0 got deleted there truly is no point.
[Trump’s tear runs back up into his eye.]
Joe Biden: But we still gotta try doing something, right?
Golf and Trump: Shut up!
Joe Biden: Okay, man, jeez. I was only trying to help.
Donald Trump: TRYING is what got us into this mess in the first place, you old fart!
Joe Biden: Excuse me.
Golfpecks256: Okay, good news everyone. Biden Burger is still up and kicking.
Donald Trump: He has a fast food chain now? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS STUFF?
Golfpecks256: It’s just a DisCord server, it’s not much of anything special really. Except the fact that they deleted Boogtown. Good riddance, Boogtown. Full of ghouls and… fans.
Donald Trump: Isn’t that the show where ?
Joe Biden: I thought that was .
Donald Trump: Will you shut up, man?
Joe Biden: Using my words against me! I’m astonished, frankly.
Golfpecks256: Does anyone want anything from Biden Burger?
Donald Trump: I thought you said it wasn’t a fast food chain.
Golfpecks256: It’s a make-believe one, maybe virtual food can help calm us down. Now, do you want anything?
Donald Trump: Do they have the chicken fritters?
Joe Biden: The what now?
Donald Trump: Hush, I’m telling the businessman my order. Yeah yeah, the chicken fritters, Sweet Lightning, and an order of those things.
Golfpecks256: Interesting choices, and ordered.
Donald Trump: Hey, don't judge me, I’ve been like this since I was a little boy!
Golfpecks256: Your order will be ready in five minutes.
[Biden is snoring on the floor in the opposite corner.]
Donald Trump: Sleepy Joe… they call him that for a reason. We should play him a nursery rhyme.
Golfpecks256: NO! NO MUSIC! MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY!
Donald Trump: Jesus, man, do you know how to have fun around here?
Golfpecks256: I take immense joy in working on my hedge funds. It's a lot of work but it's well worth it.
Joe Biden: Can't you just… y’know, trim them?
[Golf and Trump glare at Biden for an uncomfortable amount of time.]
Joe Biden: What? I'm not wrong, am I?
Golfpecks256: You… YOU!
Donald Trump: I didn't even know he was awake until he said that. Sleepy, sleepy Joe…
Joe Biden: Well, excuse me, but there is nothing interesting to do in a broken elevator!
Golfpecks256: THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS TO DO IN A BROKEN ELEVATOR, YOU LITTLE– 
[They all hear bashing and chanting from outside as the elevator doors slowly get pried open.]
Donald Trump: THEY’RE HERE!
Larry the Lobster: [off-screen] COME ON, EVERYONE! DO WE SUPPORT THE ONE TRUE PRESIDENT OR DO WE NOT?!
: [off-screen] WE DO!
[They then manage to pry the elevator doors open, and everyone cheers.]
Joe Biden: Finally. Now where's my keychain?
Larry the Lobster: Do you have dementia, old man? The keychains aren't being given out until AFTER the rally!
Joe Biden: Oh, right. Gotcha.
Donald Trump: So the rio–rally is still on, right?
Larry the Lobster: Of course! And all your biggest fans are here to cheer you on! !
Tobuscus: NUGGET IN A BISCUIT!
Larry the Lobster: !
Scott Cawthon: Okay, I cannot compete with something like nugget in a biscuit.
Larry the Lobster: !
[Silence.]
Larry the Lobster: And most important of all, your biggest supporter by far… GOLFPECKS256! GIVE A BIG WHOOP FOR OUR MAN!
[The ralliers cheer for Golfpecks, who is taken aback.]
Donald Trump: You mean… I've been stuck in an elevator with my biggest supporter?
Golfpecks256: Yup. That's right.
Donald Trump: Well, I… [blushes again, causing everyone to cheer louder]
Larry the Lobster: LET’S GET AT IT! TO THE CAPITOL, EVERYONE!
[Everyone cheers even louder as they exit the hotel and head for the Capitol as the episode fades to black.]
Category:SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:FireMatch
Category:Politics
Category:2020s
Category:Golfpecks256
Category:Donald Trump