Jellybeans, history, consent issues, boxes, and lots of arguing

Chapter 11: Jellybeans, history, consent issues, boxes, and lots of arguing
==Meta==
Thank you readers and commenters for making this the 25th most-commented-upon Pacific Rim fic on AO3! As a reward, I commissioned the lovely iraya to create some beautiful art for y’all to enjoy. It’s also a teaser for a scene coming up later.
==Text==
Hermann wakes long before Newt and finds himself sighing contentedly at the sight of the other man lying beside him. The reaction surprises him. When did this happen? he wonders. When did I start enjoying his company? Hermann watches his friend sleep for a while, but soon must fight the desire to follow the outline of the kaiju wings across his shoulders. He wonders if touching the inked surface will help him recall its colors. In the end, he gives himself a gentle shake and settles for basking in Newt’s warmth. 
He is watching when Newt rolls over and faces him. Newt snorts and smacks his lips sleepily, wading through the last waves of a dream. "Pleasant dream?" Hermann asks quietly. 
"A great one," he sighs as he struggles to keep his eyes open. I had a house and a kid and a … partner and it was always sunny and, god, it was just the warmest feeling ever. Like being in love with everybody. You know that feeling? You ever been in love, Hermann?" Newt asks dreamily. 
"What does it matter to you?" Hermann snaps as he sits up. 
The sharp response clears the last sleep from Newt’s mind and voice. "I’m … trying to get to know you better, sheesh. We’ve been friends since nearly the beginning of time and I don’t know much about you at all. Like the colorblindness thing yesterday. I had no idea." 
"I, however, am familiar with entirely too much of your history and thought processes." Hermann continues in an exasperated voice, "Are you even remotely capable of not expressing every thought which crosses your mind?" 
Newt offers an eye roll. "Dude, you wouldn’t believe the secrets I still have." 
"Such as the unfortunate incident in Princeton with the jellybeans?" Hermann smirks. 
"You saw that?! That’s unfair! You’re not allowed to use my memories against me!" he squalls. "Then again, I guess it’s okay you know, especially since it’s apparently funny enough to make you laugh, which is totally adorable on you and you should do it way more often, but it doesn’t leave this room. The police are still looking for us." Hermann’s chuckle and smile turn wicked. "Oh god. You’re going to blackmail me over this, aren’t you? Oh man, maybe I should’ve let the world end. You shouldn’t have this kind of power over me." Hermann grins, all teeth, then laughs maniacally. 
"You’re a monster!" Newt yelps. 
Hermann flinches and his laugh stops suddenly. 
"Okay. No," Newt says. "You’re not going there. We’ve been over and over this. You’re a person and you need to start remembering it." 
"I’m. Not. Human," Hermann rumbles and snaps his uninjured wing fully open. "These are enough proof of that." 
"Oh, yeah. Body shape is the only thing that makes us human," Newt snarks. 
"I know very well that is not all," Hermann snarls, eyes boring into Newt. "You asked if I’d ever been in love. I thought I was, once, but she called me inhuman and left even before she learned exactly how monstrous I am." He looks down at his hands and chafes them against his arms, warming himself against the rising memories. "She wanted … things from me I didn’t know how … couldn’t give her. She left for a normal man." His voice lowers to a whisper. "I was about to tell her." 
"I’m so sorry, Hermann," Newt says softly. "She sounds kind of awful, actually." 
"How can you say that?" he bristles, wings trembling. "You never met her. She was more understanding and patient than anyone I’ve known. But she still wouldn’t have me, even without knowing the full extent of my abnormality." 
"For fuck’s sake, Hermann, there was obviously something wrong with her! Anyone with enough functioning neurons to breathe would be happy to have you! I…." He violently shakes his head. "Look, the people who love you love you. It’s just … you. You happen in come with a pair of big, beautiful wings. You’re not more or less of anything. You’re you. And you are pretty awesome." 
"That’s very well for you to say, Newton, but … ." 
"Shut up! Stop arguing with me about this!" 
Before Hermann can come up with a retort or brace himself, Newt lunges at him. He firmly cups Hermann’s chin and kisses him hard on the lips, exploiting Hermann’s gasp of surprise to nip at his lower lip. Hermann shoves him away, looking absolutely horrified and trembling with what appears to be terror. 
"Ohshit. I don’t … I didn’t … Forget … Forget I did that! No! Just ... I don’t know! I wasn’t thinking!" Newt turns and flees the room, grabbing his clothes on the way, leaving a stunned and frozen Hermann in his wake. 
Hermann sits, completely immobile, as the door slams. Not again, he thinks. Not again. Tendo is obviously wrong. Newton is no different from her. I had hoped … wished. He clenches and relaxes his fists, watching his muscles slide under the matching scars on the inside of both his forearms. 
I’m stronger now, he tells himself. I can end this before it becomes more painful. I need to protect myself. That is most important. 
He rubs his eyes, catching the few tears which had formed but not fallen, and heaves himself to his feet. He leans on his cane as he opens the closet and reaches inside to gather up Newton’s things. 
Evening arrives without Hermann ever leaving his quarters. He sits as his desk as he has for most of the day, not working, caught in a near-mindless meditation, forehead resting on his crossed arms on the work surface. He listens to the sound of his own breathing and the air whispering through his feathers. This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Best stop matters before we are both badly hurt. I’m protecting Newton as well as myself. This will not be another Anchorage. I will not let it be. He shivers and pulls his uninjured wing tightly around himself. "It’s all I can do," he whispers. "It’s the only thing to do. It is." 
A pounding at the door interrupts his thoughts. Newt bangs arrhythmically and shouts in a mixture of angry English and broken German curses. The yelling grows louder as the minutes pass and Hermann relents. Newt is red-faced and shaking when Hermann opens the door. 
"What are you doing, Hermann?" Newt hisses as he points at the box resting on the step outside the door. "What is this about?" Hermann gestures for him to step inside. Newt seizes the container full of his neatly folded clothes with his meds tucked underneath and his toothbrush on top, and stomps into the room. He whirls and faces Hermann. "What’re you doing?" he repeats. 
"Newton," Hermann begins shakily, very deliberately not meeting Newt’s eyes. "I believe this has gone on long enough. I-I think we should resume our separate lives." As he finishes, Hermann finally makes eye contact. 
"This … this is because I kissed you," Newt whispers. His voice rises to a squeaky shout as he continues, "You’re throwing me out because I’m interested in you? Really?" 
"It is for the best," Hermann says levely. 
"You think so? Really?" Newt’s voice jumps then settles back to its normal range as his startled expression gives way to a determined one. "I’ve … been thinking…. Look. I’ve been happier since we started … whatever this is," he says with a sweep of his hand that encompasses Hermann and the space they’d been sharing. "I think you’ve been happier, too. So why the hell are you trying to end it? You want to go back to being lonely?" 
"I want to end it because it’s not going to work." 
"Why not?" Newt demands. 
"I do not want to discuss this with you. I ask you to respect my decision. Please take your things and go." Hermann’s voice is flat and his eyes remain focused on the floor. 
"No. I’m not going anywhere until you explain to me clearly and logically why I have to." Newt crosses his arms over his chest and steps closer. Hermann takes a step back. 
"Newton, I don’t want to argue. Please go." 
"You? Not argue? Did banging your head yesterday morning actually cause brain damage? Show me your eyes again." Newt takes another step forward. Hermann holds his ground and wards Newt off with his hands. 
"Don’t touch me!" he shouts. "I am fine. I am simply convinced our lives will be be better going forward if we separate now, before we become too dependent on each other." 
"Oh my god! You are the most impossible idiot I’ve ever argued with!" Newt throws up his hands and leans farther into Hermann’s space. "Being together is not a weakness! Needing others is not a weakness! Enjoying another person is not a weakness! Humans are social animals. We’re meant to be together!" 
"Again, you forget I am not a human being. That bit of conventional wisdom does not apply to me," Hermann replies stiffly. 
"Shut up! Stop that! I’m sick of having this argument with you! You’re a great person and I seriously want to stay together and see where this goes. I think that’s the right decision," he declares. "Before you start shouting back, my argument is backed up by the fact we’ve been happy and comfortable together. You’ve only got fear and baggage on your side." 
"You obviously don’t understand!" 
"This where you go into the ‘promises are lies’ speech?" Newt says while putting on a bored expression. "That line of argument isn’t going to work." 
"Newton, you have no idea of the promises made me and how quickly they were broken." Hermann fixes Newt with a stare. "Your behavior this morning indicates you are no different from those I attached myself to before." 
"What do you think you are, some kind of mine? You going to explode if someone gets too close?" Newt needles. 
"Yes!" Hermann screams. "Goddamn it, Newton, go away and leave me alone!" 
"Oh, no." Newt shakes his head exaggeratedly. "You’d like that too much. I’m not leaving you alone to crawl back into your sweatervest of self-loathing," he says. "I-I know I fucked up this morning, okay? I mean, you’re--what’s the word?--touch-starved, right? It’s not like people have ever been physical with you and I just hauled off and kissed you. Of course it’s going to freak you right out. Actually, I’m surprised you didn’t punch me. I totally deserved it, jumping you like that. Consent’s important. If you don’t throw me out—please don’t throw me out—I’ll behave myself. I swear. Nothing without permission as long as you need, even if it’s forever, okay? If you’re not into touching and kissing and sex, that’s cool. I’m cool with that. Just tell me what you want." 
"You can’t mean that." 
"I mean every word of it. Cross my heart." 
"I don’t know what to say." 
"Hermann, it’s not that hard. Tell me what you want." 
"I say I don’t know! I don’t know what I should want! I don’t know what I can want!" He gestures so viciously he cane clatters to the floor. Newt reaches to steady him and he throws himself back and away, barely catching himself with the edge of his desk. He swats away Newt’s extended hand and glares with everything he has at the other man. "I. Don’t. Know," he growls. 
"Okay. Okay." Newt makes a placating gesture. "Let’s take a step back and look at this rationally. We’ve both been happy more often than not and more often than before since we ... moved in together, right?" 
Hermann gives a cautious nod. 
"We both agree that being happy is good." 
"As long as the source of happiness does not cause harm to another." 
"A condition which doesn’t apply here, Hermann." 
Hermann responds affirmatively with another wary nod. 
"My proposal is this; We roll with this for as long as it lasts as long as we’re both happy, whether romance happens or not. Maybe—and I really hope this doesn’t happen—we wind up with jobs in different places and we go our separate ways in month. Or maybe we score a gig together and keep it going. I’d love to at least give it a try. What do you say?" Newt looks at Hermann hopefully.
"Newton … ." 
"Please?" 
Very quietly, Hermann says "Fine." 
Newt slouches in relief. "Celebratory hug?" he asks. 
Hermann leans in Newt’s space and embraces him ginglerly, then tightly, letting the other man support much of his weight. 
"Thanks for giving me a chance," Newt says. "You won’t regret it." 
"I had better not," Hermann replies as he releases his hold. Newt grins up at him. I hope not, Hermann thinks. Please god, I hope not. "I believe I need to retire for the evening. I’ve had entirely too much excitement today and that is completely your fault. If you hadn’t … ." 
"Whoa, dude! Let’s argue tomorrow after you’ve dreamed up some new horrible things to call me. Right now, I think we both deserve some beauty sleep. Am I right?" Hermann grumbles an agreement. 
Hermann shuffles to the bed and eases himself down and into his usual position on the far side, on his stomach, wings folded loosely against his back. Comfortable, he beckons Newt to join him with a motion of a wing. 
Newt shucks off his clothes down to his boxers and slips under the proffered wing. After asking permission, Newt presses his back to Hermann’s side and Hermann leans into the contact cautiously. 
Please let this be the rare occasion where second-guessing myself pays off, Hermann thinks. 
"Hermann, you’re worrying so loud I can hear you. Relax and go to sleep," Newt throws over his shoulder. 
Hermann sighs. I am happy now and that’s enough. It’s enough.
==Meta==
That kiss? Yeah, that’s the exact moment Newt escaped my control and really took this thing over. I wrote the incident back around chapter four and finally found it a home here.
Feel free to ask any questions or make any suggestions you have in the comments or message me at my Tumblr. The plot didn’t let me answer any this time around, but rest assured I haven’t forgotten about them.
==Navigation==
Athene Noctua: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33
Category:Ficlet
Category:Athene Noctua
Category:Hermann has wings
Category:Hermann
Category:Hermann (ficlet)
Category:Newt
Category:Newt (ficlet)
Category:Pages in need of tags
Category: Athene Noctua (navigation)