Transcripts/The Hamburger Postulate

==Season 1 - Episode 03 - The Hamburger Postulate==
Scene 	The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon 	Alright, I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard 	Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard 	No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj 	Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.
Penny 	Hi, you guys ready to order?
Howard 	Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard 	And Orcs!
Penny 	I'll be back.
Raj 	Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny 	Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.
Howard 	What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?
Penny 	A shower.
Howard 	I'll take the heart smart platter.
Penny 	Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.
Sheldon 	We don't eat here, I don't know what's good.
Penny 	Well, it's all good.
Sheldon 	Statistically unlikely.
Leonard 	Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon 	I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard 	I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny 	Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon 	Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny 	The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny 	Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon 	Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
Leonard 	Make it two.
Sheldon 	Waitresses don't yell at you at Big Boy.
Leslie 	(Entering) Hey Leonard, hi guys.
Leonard 	Hey Lesley.
Lesley 	I didn't know you ate here.
Sheldon 	We don't. This is a disturbing aberration.
Leonard 	Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard 	And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny 	Howard, I’ve asked you not to do that.
Leonard 	Lesley and I do research together at the University.
Penny 	Oh, wow, a girl scientist.
Lesley 	Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I'm glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.
Leonard 	What happened to Elliot Wong?
Lesley 	He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?
Leonard 	Yeah, sure, why not.
Lesley 	Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Leonard 	Why at my place?
Lesley 	Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.
Penny 	Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello?
Leonard 	Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
Howard 	If you're into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
Penny 	Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I'm actually not that into music. So hey, your friend's really cute, anything going on with you two.
Leonard 	Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?
Sheldon 	He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.
Leonard 	Thank you Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Oh, I'm sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?
Penny 	Oh, that's too bad, you guys would make a cute couple.
Raj 	Oh dear.
Howard 	What's the matter?
Raj 	She didn't take my order.
Howard 	How can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her.
Raj 	Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
Scene 	The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard 	What did Penny mean, you'd make a cute couple?
Sheldon 	Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren't they adorable.
Leonard 	If Penny didn't know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.
Sheldon 	You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard 	How so?
Sheldon 	You're talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard 	Well, what do you think.
Sheldon 	I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.
Scene 	The apartment living room. The string quartet are practicing.
Lesley 	I admire your fingering.
Leonard 	Thank you.
Lesley 	Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument.
Lesley 	Goodnight guys, good job.
Male string quartettist 	Thanks.
Female string quartettist	See you next week.
Leonard 	That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me.
Lesley 	You're welcome. If you're up for it we could practise that middle section again.
Leonard 	Uh, sure, why not.
Lesley 	Just so we’re clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I'm sexually available.
Leonard 	Really?
Lesley 	Yeah, I'm good to go.
Leonard 	I thought you weren't interested in me.
Lesley 	That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
Leonard 	You mean my cello?
Lesley 	No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I'm seducing you.
Leonard 	No kidding?
Lesley 	What can I say, I'm a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
Leonard 	Gee, uh...
Lesley 	Is it the waitress?
Leonard 	Penny? What about her?
Lesley 	Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Leonard 	Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there's no point in bringing it up.
Lesley 	You and the waitress then?
Leonard 	No. No, there's nothing going on between Penny and me.
Lesley 	So, you're open to a sexual relationship?
Leonard 	Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
Lesley 	Good.
Leonard 	Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?
Lesley 	Why don't we finish the section first.
Leonard 	Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.
Leonard 	I'm good, I'm good to go.
Lesley 	Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)
Scene 	The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.
Penny 	(Opening door) Oh, hey Sheldon, what's going on?
Sheldon 	I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny 	I'm sorry?
Sheldon 	Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols – it's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny 	Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.
Sheldon 	Just come with me.
Sheldon 	Well?
Penny 	Well what?
Sheldon 	What does it mean?
Penny 	Oh, come on, you went to college.
Sheldon 	Yes, but I was eleven.
Penny 	Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because they're, you know, getting busy.
Sheldon 	So you're saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny 	Well, either that or he's lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Lesley 	(Voice off) Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.
Penny 	We really shouldn't be standing here.
Sheldon 	(Entering living room) This is very awkward.
Penny 	Oh, come on, you know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
Sheldon 	Oh, yes, but there's usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny 	Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon 	I didn't have to, the dates just happened to coincide.
Penny 	So, do you know who's in there?
Sheldon 	Well, there's Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he's either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930s gangster.
Penny 	Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.
Sheldon 	No, no, wait, hold on.
Penny 	What's the matter?
Sheldon 	I don't know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
Penny 	Gee, Sheldon, you're asking the wrong girl. I'm usually on the other side of the tie.
Sheldon 	Hi, Leonard. It's me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You're welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley.
Scene 	In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.
Scene 	Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.
Sheldon 	Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard 	(Entering) Hey, what's the matter?
Sheldon 	My equations, someone's tampered with my equations.
Leonard 	Are you sure?
Sheldon 	Of course I'm sure. Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics, the sign's been changed.
Leonard 	Oh yeah. But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
Sheldon 	Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you.... hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having.
Lesley 	(Entering) You're welcome.
Sheldon 	You did this?
Lesley 	Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Sheldon 	Cool?
Lesley 	Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.
Leonard 	Thank you, I'll see you at work.
Sheldon 	Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!
Lesley 	What?
Sheldon 	Who told you you could touch my board?
Lesley 	No-one.
Sheldon 	I don't come into your house and touch your board.
Lesley 	There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon 	Oh, that is so... so...
Lesley 	I'm sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves).
Sheldon 	Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate.
Scene 	The hallway.
Leonard 	(Exiting the apartment) You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she's still going to be right.
Sheldon 	(Inside) I'm not staring, I'm mulling.
Penny 	Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard 	Oh, hi.
Penny 	So, how's it going?
Leonard 	Pretty good.
Penny 	Just pretty good, I'd think you were doing very good.
Leonard 	Pretty, very, there's really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?
Penny 	Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.
Leonard 	Sheldon!
Sheldon 	I'm coming.
Penny 	So, is it serious, do you like her?
Leonard 	Wuh, I don't.... th-th-th-that's really two different questions, uh, I'm not.... Sheldon, we have to go!
Sheldon 	Boy, you're wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.
Penny 	Alright, well, I'll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.
Leonard 	Thank you. What did she mean, she's happy for me? Is she happy because I'm seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I'm happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Sheldon 	Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Leonard 	You know what, I'm being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she's attractive, we like each other, she's extremely intelligent.
Sheldon 	She's not that intelligent.
Leonard 	She fixed your equation.
Sheldon 	She got lucky.
Leonard 	You don't believe in luck.
Sheldon 	I don't have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
Leonard 	Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I'm not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.
Sheldon 	Leonard?
Leonard 	Yeah.
Sheldon 	I still don't care.
Scene 	Leonard and Lesley’s lab.
Leonard 	Hey, Lesley.
Lesley 	Careful  Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Leonard 	Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana.
Lesley 	Because I’ve got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
Leonard 	So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.
Lesley 	Uh, what are you doing?
Leonard 	Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Lesley 	Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
Leonard 	I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Lesley 	Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of sex, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death. 
Leonard 	Who wouldn't?
Lesley 	Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That's where you come in.
Leonard 	Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Lesley 	Well, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Years.
Leonard 	Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Lesley 	Thank you!
Leonard 	You want to make plans for New Years.
Lesley 	Woah, Leonard, please, you're smothering me.
Leonard 	(Leaving) Sorry.
Howard 	Hey, look, it's Doctor Stud!
Leonard 	Doctor what?
Howard 	The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang music.
Leonard 	Wha... how did it get on the internet?
Howard 	I put it there.
Leonard 	Well, how did you know about it?
Raj 	A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.
Leonard 	Well, that part's true!
Scene 	The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon 	You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
Leonard 	No kidding.
Sheldon 	I won't go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
Leonard 	Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.
Sheldon 	Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.
Leonard 	Really?
Sheldon 	Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can't grow soup.
Penny 	So, how's everything.
Sheldon 	Terrific, you'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny 	Really, oh yay!
Sheldon 	Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny 	Um, I don't know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?
Leonard 	Oh, to be honest, I don't think it's going to work out.
Penny 	Oh, oh that's too bad. Well hey, don't worry, I'm sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).
Leonard 	Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon 	You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard 	Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon 	Of course I'm listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Leonard 	Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods).
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)