Feeling

I don't exactly know when the feelings first started. Months ago I guess, maybe even a year, hell if I remember.
It is completely inexplicable, I have theories as to its origins.
Do you ever get the feeling?
A rage so deep it puts blood lust to shame, making you want to, out of nowhere, bash someone's head in, or slit the nearest living thing's neck. I get that feeling. I couldn't tell you why. Sometimes it could be me sitting with whatever friends I have left, when I would suddenly feel a need to kill. I haven't though, I've practiced restraint. Now I can't go through with it any longer. I have this personal demon gnawing at the carcass of my soul, feeding off of it until It needs to claim that of another persons. I've forced myself to get tested, through any mental hospital, facility, or likewise, but I've always checked out.
This is my story, and hell take me if it doesn't end soon.
== January ==
Holy crap, I've lived up until yet another year! Happy 2015 guys, luckily with all the stuff happening this month, I've found peace of mind. Skiing alone in places like Canada or Virginia, and going to take boat rides down rivers alone. Since it's been declared I'm mentally healthy, I thought I may buy a rifle. Maybe I could control the feeling by taking it out on animals, to quell it's thirst. It would take a while, but I have my sights set on recovery.
== February ==
I did it, I couldn't believe I could. I went hiking and camping for the last week in a nice area where hunting is allowed almost year round. A nice trip to the south, to help with wild hog overpopulation. While hanging out with campers, I had the feeling. I ran into the woods and went prone with the rifle, shooting down every damn hog I saw until there were enough pounds of meat to end world hunger. Me and some of the other campers cooked it over a fire and enjoyed a wild feast. Actually murdering an animal worked, it's incredible, I never knew beating the Feeling at its own game would be almost orgasmic.
== March ==
My ideas were shit. Life is shit. Nothing is fine, because everything is shit. I found out my curse is adaptive. It evolves to get worse. I can't just kill animals, I have to go above and beyond. I killed three deer yesterday on a trip with some friends and I still have the feeling. It is biting into my sanity and god help me I see things at night. I see hallucinations of friends hanging out in my room. I see myself, murdering them brutally, and I just can't stop seeing them. I need to do it. I've done research on police forensics and may be able to bypass them. I have latex gloves, new clothing, and a mask. I've even researched how to pick several basic lock types.
== April ==
Nobody suspected a thing when I killed her. I waltzed straight into her house, no alarms, no nothing. She was alone, and I taped her mouth shut briefly. She cried when I held the knife to her throat. I remember what I told her in pristine detail.
"Hush little woman, soon you won't have troubles haunting you anymore. After tonight however, neither will I."
She bled out quickly. My anatomy research showed the fastest way to bleed someone out was the femoral artery in the legs. She lasted one, maybe two minutes. Now the feeling is gone, and hopefully I won't need to kill for a while. Maybe I can settle down, and who knows, maybe I can be normal for a while.
== May ==
I found a really nice girl. Her name is Emily, and I feel I could really settle down with her. The feeling has returned, but it isn't much, as my new found love for this woman overpowers it. I found some really interesting things about her too in recent days.
-She wants two children.
-She loves the show "Dexter". (Go figure)
-She is an absolute die hard fan of old bands like the Ramones. (As am I!)
I foresee a good relationship.
== June ==
Mistakes. No, not that, more like a happy little accident. I got Emily pregnant. The feeling grew stronger, and I think I can control it though, just the thought of killing that woman worked, but I can't take it much longer, because I hear voices in my head: "Kill her, make the child a never born accident," or things like "If you could kill that random bitch you can butcher this one too."
== July ==
I can't put it off. I must satisfy the feeling. I must make it happy. I walked into Emily's room with my knife an hour ago, and I am pondering above her bed whether to do it.
== Right Now ==
I slash at her arm, going for her chest, and she jumps up from the bed.
"What the hell are you doing!"
"Answering a greater call than parenthood Emily."
I lunge at her with my knife and miss her, and the knife is stuck in the bedpost.
"Stop it now, you don't need to do this, think about the baby."
"Hell take me."
I realize what needs to happen. I realize someone I can kill and satisfy that feeling forever, I realize now, I can spare her, and the baby.
"I love you Emily."
With those words, I smile with a tear rolling down my face.
"Never forget that."
I then plunge the knife into my throat without hesitation.
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Category:Mental Illness