Transcript:The Prince of Iorden, Part 4

EPISODE FOUR:
 VERY EARLY MORNING - EXT. BEHIND CASTLE GUERNATAL 
 NARRATOR
 At the bottom of the craggy hill on which Guernatal’s
 keep was built was a hole through which sewage could be
 evacuated from the castle and town. Clever bit of
 engineering. Even more clever was a nearby secret door
 that looked exactly like the rock face when closed.
 The door had not been used since well before Gunther’s
 reign, but given the stakes, Brennen decided to do
 everything possible to conceal his party’s movement.
 The door opened and out came Brennen, Yllowyyn, Billy,
 Jen, and Nelson. Brennen and Yllowyyn were armed to the
 teeth. Billy had his so-called "football pads," Jen her
 "handbag," and Nelson still wore his "d20" on his neck.
 As they emerged from the hidden door, they were greeted
 by the overpowering smell of human sewage, which was
 very unpleasant to the four humans but did not much
 bother Yllowyyn.
 BRENNEN
 We are headed 30 miles north.
 BILLY We’re walking?
 YLLOWYYN
 Even if we had horses, do any of you know how to ride?
 NELSON
 Is that a prompt for a tutorial?
 BRENNEN
 It’s easier to stay undetected this way.
 JEN
 At least we’ll take in the scenery, right?
 BILLY
 This is horseshit.
 YLLOWYYN
 I’ve heard you speak endlessly of yourself as an
 athlete. Funny that a walk intimidates you.
 BILLY
 I was thinking of the lady.
 JEN
 We do have to train for cheerleading, Billy.
 BILLY
 No offense, babe. Lifting pom-poms isn’t training.
 NARRATOR
 Brennen looked over his shoulder at Castle Guernatal
 once more, pausing for just a moment, and then put on
 his helm and turned away.
 EXT. GRASSY ROAD - SUNRISE 
 NARRATOR
 When the sun came up, it was snowing lightly. Soft,
 gentle snowflakes caught the light of the new day as
 they coasted to the ground.
 The party had made respectable progress during the
 night. But as the dawn approached, Brennen and Yllowyyn
 insisted on heading off the beaten path. Their three
 young charges were ill-prepared for the rocky terrain
 that this plan required.
 BRENNEN
 We need to pick up the pace. The road won’t get any
 easier after dark, and Traft isnt’t getting any farther
 away.
 JEN
 I’m sorry, I’m trying.
 BILLY
 Did you have to pick the most busted-ass road you could
 find? You don’t have an interstate or some shit?
 YLLOWYYN
 There are smoother roads for horses and wagons. But
 apparently I need to remind you that we’re hoping to
 avoid detection.
 BILLY
 Do you have to remind yourself to think about girls
 when you jerk off?
 NELSON
 So we’re going to some great magic academy?
 YLLOWYYN
 The College of Armstrungard is the finest scholastic
 instituion in human realms of Iorden.
 JEN
 I never thought I’d get to see a big school. I only
 ever visited community college.
 BILLY
 I bet they’ll be like those preppy douchebags from
 UPenn.
 NELSON
 And we’re meeting a legendary wizard, right?
 YLLOWYYN
 If we’re lucky. It’s a great honor to get a private
 audience with Ba’a lo-Ky’yr.
 BILLY
 ...Ball licker? Yellow ween is taking us to see Ball
 licker? What is it with your guys’ names, Weenie?
 YLLOWYYN
 Why does he keep calling me Weenie?
 NELSON
 I think he’s trying to insult you. Where we come from,
 ’weenie’ is a diminutive term for the male organ.
 YLLOWYYN
 Strange.
 JEN
 Any chance this wizard might know how to get us home?
 BRENNEN
 Where did you say home is again?
 BILLY
 Lackawanna county, NEPA.
 YLLOWYYN
 Ba’a lo-Ky’yr...
 BILLY
 [GIGGLES]
 YLLOWYYN 
 ...has traveled the world, even to the unmapped islands on the edges of Iorden. Perhaps he does know where this "Lackawanna" is. But remind me, General, why we are we going to see him?
 NARRATOR
 Brennen took barely a moment to search for a believable
 lie.
 BRENNEN
 He may have information about whomever betrayed House
 Guernatal.
 BILLY
 So where can I drop a duke around here?
 JEN Billy!
 YLLOWYYN
 What is his meaning?
 NELSON
 I think he’s asking about the use of a privy.
 BRENNEN
 We haven’t time to stop now. We’ll dig a ditch when we
 make camp.
 YLLOWYYN
 But be sure to bury your leavings.
 BILLY
 How about I bury my dick?...In your mom!
 YLLOWYYN
 For someone so preoccupied with sexual congress, you
 seem quite confused about how it works.
 BRENNEN
 Enough.
 BILLY
 Yeah. Enough, Weenie.
 INT. CORRIDOR IN CASTLE GUERNATAL - SIMULTANEOUS
 NARRATOR
 At the same time, Arlene Redmoor was frantically making
 preparations to leave Castle Guernatal ahead of the
 impending war. She rounded a corner quickly, and nearly
 collided with her brother.
 ARDEL
 Where are you headed in such a hurry, dear sister?
 ARLENE
 To our father’s house. Where do you think? We’ll be
 safer there.
 NARRATOR
 Ardel struck his sister across the mouth, cutting her
 lip. Sadly, this was not wholly surprising.
 ARDEL
 We are staying right here.
 NARRATOR
 He leaned close and held his sister in place by her
 hair.
 ARDEL
 (WHISPERS)
 And if you ever speak against me at court again, I will
 make sure everyone in Iorden knows you for the whore
 you are.
 NARRATOR
 He released her and strode away. Arlene refused to let
 water come to her eyes until after Ardel had turned the
 corner.
 EXT. THAWING LAKE - MORNING
 NARRATOR
 By late morning, Brennen and his charges had reached a
 thinly iced lake. On a bank of the lake was an
 outcropping, which provided enough cover for a brief
 rest. The temperature was dropping, so Brennen was
 forced to build a small fire while Billy made use of
 the ditch that Yllowyyn had dug on the opposite side of
 the outcropping.
 NELSON
 Should we have sent someone to guard the privy ditch?
 JEN
 You’re not gonna watch Billy go to the bathroom.
 NELSON
 Not me. Yllowyyn or something.
 JEN He’d love that. Besides, I think he’s okay. Bad guys don’t just appear out of thin air, right?
 NELSON
 Actually, in most Japanese RPGs--
 BILLY (O.S.)
 --Holy shit, you guys.
 NARRATOR
 Billy sauntered over the outcropping, looking very
 proud.
 BILLY
 I just took the most amazing dump!
 NARRATOR
 Jen buried her face in her hands.
 BILLY
 You ever take such a big dump you need a nap after?
 JEN
 Honey, we haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. That’s
 probably--
 BILLY
 --No, no, no. Trust me, if you’da seen this dump I
 took...there was a rabbit watching me. He ran away when
 it hit the ground.
 NARRATOR
 That was when the wind changed direction, and
 Yllowyyn’s elvish nose detected unmasked human feces.
 YLLOWYYN
 Please tell me you buried it like you were told.
 BILLY
 What? No, screw that, that’s weird.
 JEN [SHRIEKS]
 NELSON What?
 BRENNEN [ROARS]
 NARRATOR
 A dozen cockroaches had scurried over the rocks. I
 should be clear that these were Iordic cockroaches. I’m
 told that where Billy, Jen, and Nelson were from they
 have creatures which they call ’cockroaches,’ but which
 are only an inch or so long. Iordic cockroaches are the
 size of small dogs. Hence Jen’s shrieking and hiding
 behind Billy.
 YLLOWYYN
 Billy, you idiot!
 NELSON
 Someone give me a weapon!
 BRENNEN
 Just charge them!
 NARRATOR
 Brennen ran at the roaches, waving his arms. They
 darted away extremely quickly, but after a few seconds
 of running, they rolled over dead, as is their wont.
 BILLY
 I think we got ’em. You all right, babe?
 JEN
 Yeah. I’m fine.
 YLLOWYYN
 Let’s stay alert. If there’s anything more fearsome
 nearby, it knows where we are now.
 BRENNEN
 Aye. You and I shall trade watches while they rest. And
 we should get them to an armorer when we reach
 Armstrungard.
 JEN
 Can we just go home, please? We won’t even need armor
 there.
 NELSON
 We’re gonna get our own armor?
 YLLOWYYN
 And maybe weapons, if we find some you can handle.
 NELSON Epic.
 BILLY
 Hell yeah. No sense messing up my hands if I don’t need
 to.
 YLLOWYYN
 Well you’ve certainly proved yourself in battle so far.
 BILLY
 I was protecting the lady.
 YLLOWYYN
 Ah yes, the favorite excuse of cowardly men.
 BILLY
 What the hell did you say to me!?
 BRENNEN
 Stop it, both of you! Billy, keep your mouth closed.
 Elf, go find us some supper.
 NARRATOR
 Yllowyyn looked over to the dead roaches.
 BRENNEN
 With at most FOUR legs.
 NARRATOR
 Yllowyyn shrugged, strung his bow and walked off.
 NELSON
 Do roaches around here always die just from running?
 BRENNEN
 Of course.
 BILLY
 Pussies.
 NELSON
 I thought I could at least learn to use a weapon
 against them.
 JEN
 They’re probably just too big.
 NELSON
 You have to expect vermin of unusual size early in the
 quest.
 JEN
 But insects have open circulatory systems and no lungs.
 When they’re that size there’s no way they could absorb
 enough oxygen to run.
 NARRATOR
 This prompted a sideways look from Billy.
 JEN
 ...I think.
 INT. A ROOM IN CASTLE GUERNATAL - MID-DAY
 NARRATOR
 It was around noon when Arlene Redmoor climbed into the
 bath. There was a chill in the air that day and steam
 curled out of the water to wrap around her body. Her
 handmaiden, Gwen, ladeled fresh water from a cauldron
 onto her. Gwen was of an age with Arlene and had become
 her handmaiden some ten years ago. Ever since, they had
 been as dear to each other as was considered proper for
 nobles and the commoners who served them.
 GWEN
 I hope you’re not in too much pain, m’lady.
 NARRATOR
 Arlene self-consciously sucked in her lower lip, which
 had begun to scab.
 ARLENE
 It’s nothing. They should fix the floors in this old
 dungeon, lest someone else fall.
 GWEN
 (WHISPERS) It’s not right he should do that to his sister.
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS) Gwen!
 GWEN
 (WHISPERS) I’m sorry, m’lady. It just breaks my heart to see.
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS, FRANTIC) He’d break much more if he heard you!
 NARRATOR
 Arlene’s lip split again and bled. She pulled Gwen in
 very close, so that her lips were almost touching the
 serving girl’s ear.
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS, EVEN QUIETER)
 There will be a time for defiance, but this is not it.
 NARRATOR
 Gwen stood and retrieved a washcloth. She knelt back
 down beside the bath.
 GWEN
 You should talk to his Majesty about those floors.
 NARRATOR
 Gwen tenderly dabbed at Arlene’s cut, running the cloth
 softly over over her mistress’ lip. They looked into
 each other’s eyes for perhaps a moment or two longer
 than would have been considered proper.
 The door burst open and Ardel strode in, naked as the
 day he was born.
 ARLENE
 Brother!
 NARRATOR
 Arlene scrambled to cover herself.
 ARDEL
 You’ve had your turn. It’s time for my bath.
 NARRATOR
 Arlene looked back at her brother, surprised. I had
 mentioned before that his callousness rarely surprised
 her anymore, but once in a while he still caught her
 off guard.
 ARDEL
 Was I not clear?
 NARRATOR
 His eyes were pure menace. Frightened out of her
 incredulity, Arlene climbed out of the tub and looked
 around for something to wear.
 GWEN
 I’ll get you your night clothes m’lady.
 ARDEL
 (TO GWEN)
 I don’t recall dismissing you.
 NARRATOR
 Ardel climbed into the bath and looked back up at his
 naked sister, taking far too much pleasure in her
 discomfort.
 ARDEL
 (TO ARLENE)
 It’s not too far to your bedchambers. You probably
 won’t encounter anyone if you go quickly.
 NARRATOR
 Arlene only turned from her brother when she realized
 she could no longer hold back the tears of rage. Gwen
 was impotently furious as she watched her mistress and
 dearest friend dart out into the hallway.
 ARDEL
 Water, wench. Now.
 EXT. THAWING LAKE - LATE AFTERNOON
 NARRATOR
 By late afternoon, Brennen and his charges had picked
 clean a small goose that Yllowyyn had shot. They sat
 around a small fire, wiping the grease from their hands
 and faces. The three young humans were completely
 exhausted, but nonetheless, Nelson had found time to
 arrange the bones from his meal in size order.
 JEN
 I hope you aren’t offended, but this really isn’t our
 kind of place. You can see that, can’t you?
 BRENNEN
 Aye, and I’m sorry that you must go through this. But
 you are here, and I have orders to keep you with me.
 BILLY
 Suppose we say screw your orders and run off while
 you’re asleep.
 YLLOWYYN
 You’re welcome to try.
 BRENNEN
 You’re safest with us. I fear Iorden is about to get
 very violent.
 BILLY
 Because you had a dream about some birds?
 NELSON
 You mean prophecy. One of us could be the Anointed One,
 right?
 BRENNEN
 The coming war has nothing to do with my dream.
 JEN
 What does it have to do with?
 YLLOWYYN
 Several things, starting with House Felghir. We think
 Felghir may be planning an attack against Guernatal.
 NELSON
 So Felghir is the big evil General that everyone was
 scared of last night?
 YLLOWYYN
 No, that’s a man named Traft. He leads an army of orcs
 and rebels down from the mountains in the east.
 NELSON ’Orcs’ is troublingly vague. Are we talking Lord of the Rings, WoW, Elder Scrolls--
 YLLOWYYN
 We’re talking about beasts in men’s bodies, who’ll rip
 your throat out with their teeth and burn your mother
 at the stake for fun.
 BILLY
 This place is really goin’ to shit, huh?
 JEN Why now?
 BRENNEN
 King Gunther once had a son, Prince Uther. His mother,
 Queen Helga, died from fever when he was a child, but
 he grew into a fine young man.
 YLLOWYYN
 Would have made a good King.
 BRENNEN
 Seventeen years ago, Uther was assassinated by enemies
 of the monarchy. His Majesty was devastated, but in
 order to produce another heir, he remarried to a lady
 in waiting named Dagmar. They tried to conceive for
 many years, but only succeeded a few moons ago.
 JEN
 This story doesn’t end happily, does it?
 YLLOWYYN
 I didn’t know until later, but apparently, Queen Dagmar
 passed shortly before I found you three.
 BRENNEN
 Something went wrong with the birth. Mother and child
 both were killed.
 JEN
 I’m so sorry.
 BILLY
 ...And that’s it? Three people eat it and your entire
 country is a free-for-all? Isn’t there a line
 of...of...help me out here four-eyes.
 NELSON
 Royal succession?
 BILLY
 Isn’t there a line of royal succession?
 BRENNEN
 The King is aging. Most people saw Dagmar’s child as
 his last chance at an heir.
 BILLY
 That’s a shitty way to run things.
 NELSON
 Usually these traditions of royal succession go back
 millenia. You should show a little respect.
 BILLY
 Where we come from, the people rule themselves.
 YLLOWYYN Commoners raised to kings? I’m sure you do a great job running the kingdom.
 BILLY We suck ass at it. But even we’re smart enough that if the guy at the top drops dead, there’s like 30 people in line to take his place.
 YLLOWYYN
 Are any of them qualified to rule?
 JEN
 I still don’t get why this all started a war.
 YLLOWYYN
 Ever since the Second White Forest Concordat, the Th’ar
 lo-Hyyl have sworn to defend the legitimate bloodline
 of the High King.
 NELSON
 Th’ar lo-Hyyl?
 YLLOWYYN
 "Knights of the Wood" in your tongue.
 BILLY No! Knights of the Wood? This is too easy.
 BRENNEN
 But the Knights protect the monarchy in general, not
 any one King. With Dagmar and her child dead, House
 Guernatal will have no claim to the throne once his
 Majesty passes.
 YLLOWYYN
 Thus the house is no longer protected by the Th’ar
 lo-Hyyl. And all her enemies crawled out from under
 their rocks.
 BRENNEN
 We tried to hide the deaths, which is why some feared
 you were spies. But word got out while you were in our
 custody.
 BILLY
 So then what’s with the dream with the birds?
 NELSON
 Prophecy with the birds.
 YLLOWYYN
 That’s why his Majesty’s court decided not to summarily
 execute you.
 JEN
 Not that I’m complaining, but...because of a dream
 about some birds?
 NELSON
 We’ve had leaders go to war for less.
 YLLOWYYN
 To be expected when the rabble rules itself.
 BILLY
 Yeah, the kids of cousins are a better bet.
 NELSON
 I should point out that the prevalence of birth defects
 in the children of cousins is really no greater than in
 the general population. There are, however, birth
 defects among the children of siblings.
 YLLOWYYN
 Speaking of which: Marcus Mooncrest. What do you think
 his move is? With Traft on the move, the realm needs
 the civic guard intact. Surely he wouldn’t call his
 banners now.
 BRENNEN
 Unless he’s stupid enough to think Traft can be
 bargained with.
 NARRATOR
 It was then that Brennen noticed, far off beyond the
 horizon, a thin pillar of smoke rising into the sky.
 BRENNEN
 (TO THE KIDS) Get a few hours of sleep. Then we need to keep moving. 
 EXT. Snow-Dusted Hill - Twilight 
 NARRATOR
 And they did get some sleep. And they did keep moving,
 far too soon for the liking of the young travelers but
 not quite soon enough for Brennen’s liking.
 For all her exhaustion, Jen was mesmerized by the
 Iordic sky at night. Stars beyond counting in
 constellations she had never seen. The moon seemed to
 her so large and the aurora so vivid, she had a hard
 time believing they were real.
 NELSON
 How much farther?
 YLLOWYYN You just slept for four hours.
 BILLY
 (SLURRED SPEECH)
 I’m doing fine.
 NARRATOR
 Billy then proceeded to trip over his own feet and
 nearly fall. But by then the party had reached the top
 of the hill they had been climbing for some time.
 BRENNEN
 Behold...
 NARRATOR
 The hill overlooked an enormous city, creeping around a
 river, with torchlights visible even at this hour.
 BRENNEN
 Armstrungard.
 NARRATOR
 A legion of stone buildings sprawled out across what
 seemed like the entire valley, and at the the center of
 it all was a shimmering white tower. A waste of a
 perfectly nice river valley if you ask me. But we
 sprites are just timeless manifestations of the Life
 Force who bear witness to all that is, was, and ever
 will be. What do we know?
 No matter. For it was in this city - this expansive,
 shining, and in my opinion kind of tacky city - that
 Billy, Jen, and Nelson had a date, as they say, with
 legend.
 END OF EPISODE FOUR.
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