@treebro

It is I, the Medium Gay™
Science is rad and so are you, bucko
Stunningly gay for @gaster (WHERE THE FUCK IS UR WIKI PAGE BRO I WANNA LINK IT)
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
 
 But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only 
 
 be broken by love's first kiss.
 
 She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing 
 
 dragon.
 
 Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, 
 
 but non prevailed.
 
 She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest 
 
 tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
 
 {Laughing} 
 
 Like that's ever gonna happen.
 
 {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}
 
 What a load of - 
 
 
 
 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
 
 I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
 
 She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
 
 In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
 
 The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'
 
 Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'
 
 Didn't make sense not to live for fun
 
 Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
 
 So much to do so much to see
 
 So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets
 
 You'll never know if you don't go
 
 You'll never shine if you don't glow
 
 Hey, now You're an all-star
 
 Get your game on, go play
 
 Hey, now You're a rock star
 
 Get the show on, get paid
 
 And all that glitters is gold
 
 Only shootin' stars break the mold
 
 It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
 
 You're bundled up now but wait till you get older
 
 But the meteor men beg to differ
 
 Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
 
 The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
 
 The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
 
 My world's on fire
 
 How 'bout yours
 
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored
 
 Hey, now, you're an all-star
 
 {Shouting}
 
 Get your game on, go play
 
 Hey, now You're a rock star
 
 Get the show on, get paid
 
 And all that glitters is gold
 
 Only shootin' stars break the mold
 
 {Belches}
 
 Go!
 
 Go!
 
 {Record Scratching}
 
 Go. Go.Go.
 
 Hey, now, you're an all-star
 
 Get your game on, go play
 
 Hey, now You're a rock star
 
 Get the show on, get paid
 
 And all that glitters is gold
 
 Only shootin' stars break the mold
 
 
 
 -Think it's in there?
 
 -All right. Let's get it!
 
 -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
 
 -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.
 
 Now, ogres - - They're much worse.
 
 They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
 
 -No!
 
 -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
 
 Actually, it's quite good on toast.
 
 -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
 
 {Gasping}
 
 -Right.
 
 {Roaring}
 
 {Shouting}
 
 {Roaring}
 
 {Whispers} This is the part where you run away.
 
 {Gasping}
 
 {Laughs}
 
 {Laughing} And stay out!
 
 "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
 
 {Sighs}
 
 {Man's voice} All right. This one's full.
 
 -Take it away!
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Move it along. Come on! Get up!
 
 -Next!
 
 -Give me that! Your fiying days are over.
 
 That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
 
 -Get up! Come on!
 
 -Twenty pieces.
 
 {Thudding}
 
 -Sit down there!
 
 -Keep quiet!
 
 {Crying}
 
 -This cage is too small.
 
 -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.
 
 I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
 
 -Oh, shut up.
 
 -Oh!
 
 -Next!
 
 -What have you got?
 
 -This little wooden puppet.
 
 -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
 
 -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
 
 -Father, please! Don't let them do this!
 
 -Help me!
 
 -Next! What have you got?
 
 -Well, I've got a talking donkey.
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
 
 -Oh, go ahead, little fella.
 
 -Well?
 
 -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.
 
 He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
 
 -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
 
 -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.
 
 I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
 
 -Get her out of my sight.
 
 -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Hey! I can fly!
 
 -He can fly!
 
 -He can fly!
 
 -He can talk!
 
 -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
 
 You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
 
 but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
 
 Oh-oh.
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -Seize him!
 
 -After him! He's getting away!
 
 {Grunts, Gasps}
 
 {Man}
 
 -Get him! This way! Turn!
 
 -You there. Orge!
 
 -Aye?
 
 -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under 
 
 arrest
 
 and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.
 
 -Oh, really? You and what army?
 
 {Gasps, Whimpering}
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -Can I say something to you?
 
 -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. 
 
 Incredible!
 
 Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!
 
 -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great 
 
 back here? Those guards!
 
 They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They 
 
 was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made 
 
 me feel good to see that.
 
 -Oh, that's great. Really.
 
 -Man, it's good to be free.
 
 -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? 
 
 Hmm?
 
 -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by 
 
 myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. 
 
 You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit 
 
 out of anybody that crosses us.
 
 {Roaring}
 
 -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that 
 
 don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you 
 
 definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!
 
 You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - 
 
 {Mumbling}
 
 Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my 
 
 butt that day.
 
 -Why are you following me?
 
 -I'll tell you why. 
 
 
 
 'Cause I'm all alone
 
 There's no one here beside me
 
 My promlems have all gone
 
 There's no one to deride me
 
 But you gotta heve friends - - 
 
 
 
 -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
 
 -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
 
 -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
 
 -Uh - - Really tall?
 
 -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't 
 
 that bother you?
 
 -Nope.
 
 -Really?
 
 -Really, really.
 
 -Oh.
 
 -Man, I like you. What's you name?
 
 -Uh, Shrek.
 
 -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
 
 You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
 
 I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. 
 
 Who'd want to live in place like that?
 
 -That would be my home.
 
 -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a 
 
 decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I 
 
 like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
 
 -I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
 
 -I like my privacy.
 
 -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I 
 
 hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them 
 
 a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
 
 -Can I stay with you?
 
 -Uh, what?
 
 -Can I stay with you, please?
 
 -Of course!
 
 -Really?
 
 -No.
 
 -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to 
 
 be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta 
 
 stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
 
 -Okay! Okay! But one night only.
 
 -Ah! Thank you!
 
 -What are you - - No! No!
 
 -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, 
 
 and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
 
 -Oh!
 
 -Where do, uh, I sleep?
 
 -Outside!
 
 -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you 
 
 don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
 
 {Sniffles}
 
 -Here I go.
 
 -Good night.
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. 
 
 I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, 
 
 outside.
 
 
 
 I'm all alone
 
 There's no one here beside me
 
 {Bubbling}
 
 {Sighs}
 
 {Creaking}
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -I thought I told you to stay outside.
 
 -I'm outside.
 
 {Clattering}
 
 -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we 
 
 have? 
 
 -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.
 
 -What a lovely bed.
 
 -Got ya.
 
 {Sniffs} I found some cheese.
 
 -Ow! {Grunts}
 
 -Blah! Awful stuff.
 
 -Is that you, Gorder?
 
 -How did you know?
 
 -Enough! What are you doing in my house?
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -Hey!
 
 {Snickers}
 
 -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
 
 -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
 
 -Huh?
 
 {Gusps}
 
 {Male voice} What?
 
 -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I 
 
 have to do get a little privacy?
 
 -Aah!
 
 -Oh, no. No! No!
 
 {Cackling}
 
 -What?
 
 -Quit it.
 
 -Don't push.
 
 {Squeaking}
 
 {Lows}
 
 - What are you doing in my swamp?
 
 {Echoing}
 
 Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
 
 {Gasping}
 
 -Oh, dear!
 
 -Whoa!
 
 -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! 
 
 Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
 
 -Quickly. Come on!
 
 -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
 
 -Oh!
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
 
 -Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
 
 -What?
 
 -We were forced to come here.
 
 -By who?
 
 -Lord Farquaad.
 
 -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
 
 {Murmuring}
 
 -Oh, I do. I know where he is.
 
 -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
 
 -Me! Me!
 
 -Anyone?
 
 -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
 
 Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy 
 
 Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came 
 
 from!
 
 {Cheering}
 
 {Twittering}
 
 -Oh! You! You're comin' with me.
 
 - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two 
 
 stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
 
 -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.
 
 -Hey. Oh, oh!
 
 -I can't wait to get on the road again.
 
 -What did I say about singing?
 
 -Can I whistle?
 
 -No.
 
 -Can I hum it?
 
 -All right, hum it.
 
 {Humming}
 
 
 
 {Grunts}
 
 {Whimpering}
 
 -That's enough. He's ready to talk.
 
 {Coughing}
 
 {Laughing}
 
 {Clears throat}
 
 -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the 
 
 gingerbread man!
 
 -You are a monster.
 
 -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy 
 
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the 
 
 others?
 
 -Eat me!{Grunts}
 
 -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached 
 
 its end! Tell me or I'll - -
 
 -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
 
 -All right then. Who's hiding them?
 
 -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
 
 -The muffin man?
 
 -The muffin man.
 
 -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
 
 -Well, she's married to the muffin man.
 
 -The muffin man?
 
 -The muffin man!
 
 -She's married to the muffin man.
 
 {Door opens}
 
 -My lord! We found it.
 
 -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
 
 {Man grunting}
 
 {Gasping}
 
 -Oh!
 
 -Magic mirror - - 
 
 -Don't tell him anything!
 
 -No!
 
 {Ginerbread man whispers}
 
 -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect 
 
 kingdom of them all?
 
 -Well, technically you're not a king.
 
 -Uh, Thelonius.
 
 -You were saying?
 
 -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All 
 
 you have to do is marry a princess.
 
 -Go on.
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to 
 
 meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette 
 
 number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. 
 
 She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking 
 
 and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
 
 -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of 
 
 fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just 
 
 kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come 
 
 on. Give it up for Snow White!
 
 -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a 
 
 fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling 
 
 lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes 
 
 pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, 
 
 Princess Fiona!
 
 -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or 
 
 bachelorette number three?
 
 -Two! Two!
 
 -Three! Three!
 
 -Two! Two!
 
 -Three! 
 
 -Three? One?
 
 {Shudders} Three?
 
 --Three! Pick number three, my lord!
 
 -Okay, okay, uh, number three!
 
 -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
 
 
 
 If you like pina coladas
 
 And getting caught in the rain
 
 
 
 -Princess Fiona.
 
 
 
 If you're not into yoga
 
 
 
 -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - 
 
 -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
 
 -I'll do it.
 
 -Yes, but after sunset - -
 
 -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will 
 
 finally have the perfect king!
 
 Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
 
 
 
 -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd 
 
 find it.
 
 -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
 
 -Uh-huh. That's the place.
 
 -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
 
 {Laughs}
 
 {Groans}
 
 -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
 
 -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
 
 -Hey, you!
 
 {Screams}
 
 -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 
 {Whimpering}
 
 {Sighs}
 
 {Whimpering, Groans}
 
 {Turnstile clatters}
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -It's quiet. Too quiet.
 
 {Creaking}
 
 -Where is everybody?
 
 -Hey, look at this!
 
 {Clattering, whirring, clicking}
 
 Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
 
 Here we have some rules
 
 Let us lay them down
 
 Don't make waves, stay in line
 
 And we'll get along fine
 
 DuLoc is perfect place
 
 Please keep off of the grass
 
 Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
 
 DuLoc is, DuLoc is
 
 DuLoc is perfect ...... place
 
 {Camera shutter clicks
 
 {Whirring}
 
 -Wow! Let's do that again!
 
 -No. No. No, no, no! No.
 
 {Trumpet fanfare}
 
 {Crowd cheering}
 
 -Brave knights.
 
 -You are the best and brightest in all the land.
 
 -Today one of you shall prove himself - -
 
 -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
 
 -Sorry about that.
 
 {Cheering}
 
 -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go 
 
 forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the 
 
 dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first 
 
 runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae 
 
 die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
 
 {Cheering}
 
 -Let the tournament begin!
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Oh!
 
 -What is that?
 
 {Gasping}
 
 -It's hideous!
 
 -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
 
 -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named 
 
 champion! Have it him!
 
 -Get him!
 
 -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
 
 -Go ahead! Get him!
 
 -Can't we just settle this over a pint?
 
 -Kill the beast!
 
 -No? All right then. Come on!
 
 
 
 I don't give a damn about my reputation
 
 You're living in the past 
 
 It's a new generation
 
 
 
 -Damn!
 
 {Whinnying}
 
 
 
 A girl can do what she wants to do
 
 And that's what I'm gonna do
 
 And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
 
 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
 
 Me, me, me
 
 
 
 -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
 
 
 
 And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
 
 Never said I wanted to improve my station
 
 
 
 -Ah!
 
 {Laughs}
 
 
 
 And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun
 
 
 
 -Yeah!
 
 
 
 And I don't have to please no one
 
 
 
 -The chair! Give him the chair!
 
 
 
 And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
 
 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
 
 Me, me, me
 
 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
 
 {Bell dings}
 
 {Cheering}
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till 
 
 Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!
 
 {Shrek laughs}
 
 {Crowd gasping, murmuring}
 
 -Shall I give the order, sir?
 
 -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
 
 -What?
 
 -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great 
 
 and noble quest.
 
 -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
 
 -Your swamp?
 
 -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!
 
 {Crowd murmuring}
 
 -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for 
 
 me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
 
 -Exactly the way it was?
 
 -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
 
 -And the squatters?
 
 -As good as gone.
 
 -What kind of quest?
 
 -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a 
 
 princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only 
 
 don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.
 
 -Is that about right?
 
 -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
 
 -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on 
 
 him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make 
 
 your bread, the whole orge trip.
 
 -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and 
 
 put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and 
 
 drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
 
 -Uh, no, not really, no.
 
 -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.
 
 -Example?
 
 -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.
 
 -{Sniffs} They stink?
 
 -Yes - - No!
 
 -They make you cry?
 
 -No!
 
 -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little 
 
 white hairs.
 
 -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have 
 
 layers. You get it? We both have layers. 
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes 
 
 onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
 
 -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.
 
 -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a 
 
 person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like 
 
 no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
 
 -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like 
 
 onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
 
 -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
 
 -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or 
 
 something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start 
 
 slobbering.
 
 
 
 I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
 
 Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
 
 I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
 
 Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
 
 And everything that you receive up yonder
 
 Is what you give to me the day I wander
 
 I'm on my way 
 
 I'm on my way 
 
 I'm on my way 
 
 
 
 -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
 
 -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was 
 
 open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's 
 
 brimstone We must be getting close.
 
 -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I 
 
 know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone 
 
 neither.
 
 {Rumbling}
 
 -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.
 
 {Laughing}
 
 -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?
 
 -Oh, aye.
 
 -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have 
 
 layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
 
 -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
 
 -You know what I mean.
 
 -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
 
 -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over 
 
 a boiling like of lava!
 
 -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional 
 
 support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step 
 
 at a time.
 
 -Really?
 
 -Really, really.
 
 -Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
 
 -Just keep moving. And don't look down.
 
 -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on 
 
 moving. Don't look down.
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, 
 
 please! 
 
 -But you're already halfway.
 
 -But I know that half is safe!
 
 -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
 
 -Shrek, no! Wait!
 
 -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?
 
 -Don't do that!
 
 -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
 
 -Oh, this?
 
 -Yes, that!
 
 -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
 
 {Screams}
 
 -No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
 
 -You said do it! I'm doin' it.
 
 -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!
 
 -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
 
 -Cool.
 
 -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
 
 -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
 
 {Water dripping, wind howling}
 
 -You afraid?
 
 -No.
 
 -But - -
 
 - Shh.
 
 -Oh, good. Me neither.
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
 
 response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I 
 
 might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and 
 
 breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little 
 
 scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if 
 
 you can find any stairs.
 
 -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
 
 -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest 
 
 tower.
 
 -What makes you think she'll be there?
 
 -I read it in a book once.
 
 -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those 
 
 stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way 
 
 they're goin'.
 
 {Creacing}
 
 -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with 
 
 me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a 
 
 step right here. I'd step all over it.
 
 -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - 
 
 -Dragon!
 
 {Screams}
 
 {Gasps}
 
 {Roars}
 
 -Donkey, look out!
 
 {Screams}
 
 {Whimpering}
 
 -Got ya!
 
 {Roars}
 
 {Gasps}
 
 {Shouts}
 
 -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
 
 {Screaming}
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Oh! Aah! Aah!
 
 {Gasping}
 
 {Crowls}
 
 -No. Oh, no, No!
 
 {Screams}
 
 -Oh, what large teeth you have.
 
 {Crowls}
 
 -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time 
 
 from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile 
 
 you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know 
 
 what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of 
 
 course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
 
 What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. 
 
 Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - 
 
 (Coughs)
 
 -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna 
 
 blow smoke rings. Shrek!
 
 {Gasps}
 
 {Whimpering}
 
 -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
 
 {Groans, Sighs}
 
 {Vocalizing}
 
 -Oh! Oh!
 
 -Wake up!
 
 -What?
 
 -Are you Princess Fiona?
 
 -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
 
 -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
 
 -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be 
 
 a wonderful, romantic moment?
 
 -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
 
 -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out 
 
 yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
 
 -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
 
 -Mm-hmm.
 
 {Screams, grunts}
 
 -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for 
 
 me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
 
 -I don't think so.
 
 -Can I at least know the name of my champion?
 
 -Um, Shrek.
 
 -Sir Shrek.
 
 {Cleans throat}
 
 -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
 
 -Thanks!
 
 {Roaring}
 
 -You didn't slay the dragon?
 
 -It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
 
 {Screams}
 
 -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, 
 
 banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
 
 -Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
 
 -That's not the point. Oh!
 
 -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.
 
 -Well, I have to save my ass.
 
 -What kind of knight are you?
 
 -One of a kind.
 
 -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to 
 
 know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. 
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not 
 
 emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really 
 
 is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted 
 
 physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back 
 
 up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to 
 
 know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, 
 
 but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - 
 
 Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna 
 
 tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with 
 
 that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
 
 {Growls}
 
 {Roaring}
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Hi, Princess!
 
 -It talks!
 
 -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
 
 {Screams}
 
 {Screaming}
 
 -Oh!
 
 {Thuds}
 
 {Groans}
 
 {Roars}
 
 {Roaring}
 
 -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
 
 {Fchoing}
 
 -Run!
 
 {Gasping}
 
 {Screaming}
 
 {Roaring}
 
 {Screams}
 
 {Roars}
 
 {Panting, sighs}
 
 {Whimpers}
 
 {Roars}
 
 -You did it!
 
 -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. 
 
 You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and 
 
 thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. 
 
 {Clears throat}
 
 -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
 
 -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a 
 
 steed.
 
 -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
 
 -Uh, no.
 
 -Why not?
 
 -I have helmet hair.
 
 -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
 
 -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
 
 -But how will you kiss me?
 
 -What? That wasn't in the job description.
 
 -Maybe it's a perk.
 
 -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in 
 
 a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then 
 
 they share true love's first kiss.
 
 -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you 
 
 true love?
 
 -Well, yes.
 
 {Laughing}
 
 -You think Shrek is your true love!
 
 -What is so funny?
 
 -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?
 
 -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your 
 
 helmet.
 
 -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
 
 -Just take off the helmet.
 
 -I'm not going to.
 
 -Take ot off.
 
 -No!
 
 -Now!
 
 -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
 
 -You- - You're a- - an orge.
 
 -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
 
 -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed 
 
 to be an orge.
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the 
 
 one who wants to marry you.
 
 -Then why didn't he come rescue me?
 
 -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
 
 -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - 
 
 his pet.
 
 -So much for noble steed.
 
 -You're not making my job any easier.
 
 -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad 
 
 that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right 
 
 here.
 
 -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
 
 -You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
 
 -Ya comin', Donkey?
 
 -I'm right behind ya.
 
 -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not 
 
 dignified! Put me down!
 
 -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, 
 
 right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down 
 
 real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a 
 
 crisp and eaten?
 
 -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what 
 
 happens when you find your - - Hey!
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
 
 -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
 
 -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
 
 -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in 
 
 short supply.
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -I don't know. There are those who think little of him.
 
 -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never 
 
 measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
 
 -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the 
 
 "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
 
 -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
 
 -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
 
 -But there's robbers in the woods.
 
 -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.
 
 -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this 
 
 forest.
 
 -I need to find somewhere to camp now!
 
 {Birds wings fluttering}
 
 {Grunting}
 
 -Hey! Over here.
 
 -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a 
 
 princess.
 
 -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
 
 -Homey touches? Like what?
 
 {Crashing}
 
 -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
 
 -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
 
 -I said good night!
 
 -Shrek, What are you doing?
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
 
 {Fire cracking}
 
 -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over 
 
 three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.
 
 -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
 
 -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, 
 
 there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 
 -I know you're making this up.
 
 -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away 
 
 from his stench.
 
 -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
 
 -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? 
 
 Forget it.
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
 
 -Our swamp?
 
 -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
 
 -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my 
 
 swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my 
 
 land.
 
 -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what 
 
 I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody 
 
 out.
 
 -No, do ya think?
 
 -Are you hidin' something?
 
 -Never mind, Donkey.
 
 -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
 
 -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
 
 -Why don't you want to talk about it?
 
 -Why do you want to talk about it?
 
 -Why are you blocking?
 
 -I'm not blocking.
 
 -Oh, yes, you are.
 
 -Donkey, I'm warning you.
 
 -Who you trying to keep out?
 
 -Everyone! Okay?
 
 -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
 
 -Oh! For the love of Pete!
 
 -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
 
 -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that 
 
 seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. 
 
 "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they 
 
 even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
 
 -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, 
 
 stupid, ugly orge.
 
 -Yeah, I know.
 
 -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
 
 -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
 
 -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one 
 
 there?
 
 -That's the moon.
 
 -Oh, okay.
 
 
 
 {Orchestra}
 
 {Dulcimer}
 
 -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the 
 
 princess.
 
 -Hmph.
 
 -Ah. Perfect.
 
 {Inhales}
 
 
 
 {Snoring}
 
 {Vocalizing}
 
 {Whistling}
 
 {Sizzling}
 
 {Sniffs, yawns}
 
 -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.
 
 --Come on, baby. I said I like it.
 
 -Donkey, wake up.
 
 -Huh? What?
 
 -Wake up.
 
 -What?
 
 -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
 
 -Good morning, Princess!
 
 -What's all this about?
 
 -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to 
 
 make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
 
 -Uh, thanks.
 
 {Sniffs}
 
 -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
 
 {Belches}
 
 -Shrek!
 
 -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}
 
 -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
 
 {Belches}
 
 -Thanks.
 
 -She's as nasty as you are.
 
 -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
 
 -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
 
 {Vocalizing}
 
 
 
 -La liberte! Hey!
 
 -Princess!
 
 {Laughs}
 
 -What are you doing?
 
 -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from 
 
 this green - -
 
 {Kissing sounds}
 
 -beast.
 
 -Hey!
 
 -That's my princess! Go find you own!
 
 -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
 
 -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
 
 -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry 
 
 Men. 
 
 {Laughs}
 
 
 
 {Accordion}
 
 Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
 
 I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
 
 He takes a wee percentage, 
 
 But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels
 
 Man, I'm good
 
 What a guy, Monsieur Hood
 
 Break it down
 
 I like an honest fight
 
 and a saucy little maid
 
 What he's basically saying
 
 is he likes to get - - 
 
 Paid
 
 So
 
 When an orge in the bush
 
 grabs a lady by the tush
 
 That's bad
 
 That's bad
 
 When a beauty's with a beast
 
 it makes me awfully mad
 
 He's mad
 
 He's really, really mad
 
 I'll take my blade and
 
 ram it through your heart
 
 Keep your eyes on me, boys
 
 'cause I'm about to start
 
 
 
 {Grunts, Groans}
 
 {Karate Yell}
 
 {Merry Men Gasping}
 
 {Panting}
 
 -Man, that was annoying!
 
 -Oh, you little- - 
 
 {Karate Yell}
 
 {Accordion}
 
 {Shouting, groaning}
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -Uh, shall we?
 
 -Hold the phone.
 
 {Grunts}
 
 Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
 
 -What?
 
 -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
 
 -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these 
 
 things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!
 
 -What? Oh, would you look at that?
 
 -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
 
 -Why? What's wrong?
 
 -Shrek's hurt.
 
 -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
 
 -Donkey, I'm okay.
 
 -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep 
 
 you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the 
 
 Heimlich?
 
 -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and 
 
 find me a blue flower with red thorns.
 
 -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. 
 
 Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
 
 -{Both} Donkey!
 
 -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
 
 -What are the flowers for?
 
 -For getting rid of Donkey.
 
 -Ah.
 
 -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
 
 -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
 
 -I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
 
 -No, it's tender.
 
 -Now, hold on.
 
 -What you're doing is the opposite of help.
 
 -Don't move.
 
 -Look, time out.
 
 -Would you - - 
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -Okay. What do you propose we do?
 
 -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red 
 
 thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue 
 
 flower, red thorns.
 
 -Ow!
 
 -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!
 
 -Ow! Not good.
 
 -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -It's just about - - 
 
 -Ow! Ohh!
 
 -Ahem.
 
 -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - 
 
 -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
 
 -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was 
 
 just- - Ugh! 
 
 -Ow!
 
 -Hey, what's that?
 
 {Nervous chickle}
 
 -That's- - Is that blood?
 
 {Sighs}
 
 {Bird chirping}
 
 {Grunts}
 
 
 
 My beloved monster and me
 
 We go everywhere together
 
 Wearin' a raincoat
 
 that has four sleeves
 
 Gets us through all kinds of weather
 
 
 
 -Aah!
 
 
 
 She will always be the only thing
 
 That comes between me and the awful sting
 
 That comes from living in a world
 
 that's so damn mean
 
 {Croaks}
 
 Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
 
 -Hey!
 
 La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
 
 {Both laughing}
 
 La-la, la-la, la-la
 
 
 
 -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
 
 -That's DuLoc?
 
 -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for 
 
 something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!
 
 -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
 
 -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
 
 {Blubbering}
 
 -What?
 
 -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. 
 
 -What are you talking about? I'm fine.
 
 -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on 
 
 your back. Dead.
 
 -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
 
 -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
 
 -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and 
 
 when I turn my head like this, look, 
 
 {Bones crunch}
 
 -Ow! See?
 
 -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
 
 -I'll get the firewood.
 
 -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any 
 
 toes! I think I need a hug.
 
 
 
 -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
 
 -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
 
 -No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
 
 -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I 
 
 make a mean weedrat stew.
 
 {Chuckling}
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
 
 {Gulps}
 
 -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind 
 
 of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -I'd like that.
 
 {Slurps, laughs}
 
 
 
 See the pyramids along the Nile
 
 
 
 -Um, Princess?
 
 
 
 Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
 
 
 
 -Yes, Shrek?
 
 -I, um, I was wondering.
 
 
 
 Just remember, darling all the while
 
 
 
 -Are you- - 
 
 
 
 You belong to me
 
 
 
 {Sighs} 
 
 -Are you gonna eat that?
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
 
 -Sunset?
 
 -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
 
 -What?
 
 -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, 
 
 aren't you?
 
 -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
 
 -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until 
 
 - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
 
 {Shrek sighs}
 
 -Good night.
 
 -Good night.
 
 {Door creaks}
 
 -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
 
 -Oh, what are you talkin' about?
 
 -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. 
 
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
 
 -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
 
 -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in 
 
 and tell her how you feel.
 
 -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, 
 
 well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a 
 
 princess, and I'm - - 
 
 -An orge?
 
 -Yeah. An orge.
 
 -Hey, where you goin'?
 
 -To get... move firewood.
 
 {Sighs} 
 
 
 
 -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
 
 {Wings fluttering}
 
 -Princess?
 
 {Creaking}
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
 
 {Screams}
 
 -Aah!
 
 -Oh, no!
 
 -No, help!
 
 -Shh!
 
 -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
 
 -No, it's okay. It's okay.
 
 -What did you do with the princess?
 
 -Donkey, I'm the princess.
 
 -Aah!
 
 -It's me, in this body.
 
 -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?
 
 -Donkey!
 
 -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
 
 -No!
 
 -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
 
 -Shh.
 
 -Shrek!
 
 -This is me.
 
 {Muffled mumbling}
 
 -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
 
 -I'm ugly, okay?
 
 -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats 
 
 was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - 
 
 -No.
 
 -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.
 
 -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
 
 -It's only happens when sun goes down.
 
 "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you 
 
 find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."
 
 -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
 
 -It's a spell.
 
 {Sighs} 
 
 -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I 
 
 become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to 
 
 await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
 
 Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.
 
 {Sobs}
 
 -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not 
 
 that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look 
 
 like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
 
 -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant 
 
 to look.
 
 -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
 
 -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
 
 -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you 
 
 got a lot in common.
 
 -Shrek?
 
 
 
 -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for 
 
 me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's 
 
 pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might 
 
 like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - 
 
 - 
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
 
 -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I 
 
 mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? 
 
 "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here 
 
 with Shrek.
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
 
 {Deep sigh}
 
 -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only 
 
 way to break the spell.
 
 -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
 
 -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
 
 -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
 
 -Promise you won't tell. Promise!
 
 -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know 
 
 before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
 
 -Look at my eye twitchin'.
 
 {Door opens}
 
 {Snoring}
 
 -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. 
 
 -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - 
 
 {Snoring}
 
 -Shrek. Are you all right?
 
 -Perfect! Never been better.
 
 -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
 
 -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last 
 
 night.
 
 -You heard what I said?
 
 -Every word.
 
 -I thought you'd understand.
 
 -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly 
 
 beast?" 
 
 -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
 
 -Yeah? Well, it does.
 
 {Gasps, sighs}
 
 -Ah, right on time.
 
 {Horse whinnies}
 
 -Princess, I've brought you a little something.
 
 {Fanfare}
 
 {Yawns}
 
 -What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
 
 {Muffled}
 
 -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.
 
 -Princess Fiona.
 
 -As promised. Now hand it over.
 
 -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
 
 -Take it and go before I change my mind.
 
 -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I 
 
 have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
 
 -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
 
 {Snaps fingers}
 
 -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.
 
 -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the 
 
 orge. It's not like it has feelings.
 
 -No, you're right. It doesn't.
 
 -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in 
 
 marriage.
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
 
 -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - 
 
 -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
 
 -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun 
 
 sets.
 
 -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's 
 
 so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest 
 
 list. Captain, round up some guests!
 
 -Fare-thee-well, orge.
 
 -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
 
 -Yeah? So what?
 
 -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to 
 
 her last night, She's - - 
 
 -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? 
 
 Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
 
 -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
 
 -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! 
 
 My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, 
 
 pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 
 -But I thought - - 
 
 -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!
 
 -Shrek.
 
 
 
 I heard there was a secret chord
 
 That David played and it pleased the Lord
 
 But you don't really care for music, do ya
 
 It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
 
 The minor fall the major lift
 
 The baffled king composing hallelujah
 
 Hallelujah, hallelujah
 
 Baby, I've been here before
 
 I know this room I've walked this floor
 
 I used to live alone before I knew you
 
 I've seen your flag on the marble arch
 
 But love is not a victory march
 
 It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
 
 Hallelujah, hallelujah
 
 And all I ever learned from love
 
 Is how to shoot at someone
 
 Who outdrew you
 
 {Moaning}
 
 And it's not a cry you can hear at night
 
 It's not somebody who's seen the light
 
 It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
 
 {Moaning}
 
 Hallelujah, hallelujah
 
 
 
 {Thumping sound}
 
 -Donkey?
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -What are you doing?
 
 -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see 
 
 one.
 
 -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not 
 
 through it.
 
 -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
 
 -Oh! Your half. Hmm.
 
 -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I 
 
 get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks 
 
 like your head.
 
 -Back off!
 
 -No, you back off.
 
 -This is my swamp!
 
 -Our swamp.
 
 -Let go, Donkey!
 
 -You let go.
 
 -Stubborn jackass!
 
 -Smelly orge.
 
 -Fine!
 
 -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
 
 -Well, I'm through with you.
 
 -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess 
 
 what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are 
 
 mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! 
 
 You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
 
 -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
 
 -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
 
 -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in 
 
 the back!
 
 -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your 
 
 own feelings.
 
 -Go away!
 
 -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she 
 
 ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
 
 -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of 
 
 you talking. 
 
 -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody 
 
 else.
 
 -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
 
 -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. 
 
 Right? Right?
 
 -Donkey!
 
 -No!
 
 -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?
 
 {Sighs}
 
 -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you 
 
 forgive me?
 
 -Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
 
 -Right. Friends?
 
 -Friends.
 
 -So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
 
 -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
 
 -The wedding! We'll never make it in time.
 
 -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I 
 
 have a way.
 
 {Whistles}
 
 -Donkey?
 
 -I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
 
 {Laughing}
 
 -Aw, come here, you.
 
 -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. 
 
 All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install 
 
 the seat belts yet.
 
 -Whoo!
 
 {Bells tolling}
 
 {All gasping}
 
 -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....
 
 -Um-
 
 -of our new king - -
 
 -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
 
 {Chuckling}
 
 -Go on.
 
 -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
 
 that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't 
 
 you?
 
 -What are you talking about?
 
 -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak 
 
 now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
 
 -I don't have time for this!
 
 -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this 
 
 woman, don't you?
 
 -Yes.
 
 -You wanna hold her?
 
 -Yes.
 
 -Please her?
 
 -Yes!
 
 -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that 
 
 romantic crap!
 
 -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
 
 -We gotta check it out.
 
 
 
 -And so, by the power vested in me, 
 
 -What do you see?
 
 -The whole town's in there.
 
 -I now pronounce you husband and wife,
 
 -They're at the altar.
 
 -king and queen.
 
 -Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
 
 -Oh, for the love of Pete!
 
 {Grunts}
 
 -I object!
 
 -Shrek?
 
 {Gasps}
 
 -Oh, now what does he want?
 
 -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. 
 
 Very clean.
 
 -What are you doing here?
 
 -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but 
 
 showing up uninvited to a wedding - -
 
 -Fiona! I need to talk to you.
 
 -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll 
 
 excuse me - - 
 
 -But you can't marry him.
 
 -And why not?
 
 -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
 
 -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
 
 -He's not your true love.
 
 -And what do you know about true love?
 
 -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - 
 
 -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! 
 
 Oh, good Lord.
 
 {Crowd laughting}
 
 -An orge and a princess!
 
 -Shrek, is this true?
 
 -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away 
 
 from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.
 
 {Whimpers}
 
 {Crown gasping}
 
 -Well, uh, that explains a lot.
 
 -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of 
 
 my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
 
 -No, no!
 
 -Shrek!
 
 -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that 
 
 makes me king! See? See?
 
 -No, let go of me! Shrek!
 
 -No!
 
 -Don't just stand there, you morons.
 
 -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! 
 
 -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and 
 
 quartered!
 
 -You'll beg for death to save you!
 
 -No, Shrek!
 
 -And as for you, my wife,
 
 -Fiona!
 
 -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
 
 -I'm king!
 
 {Whistles}
 
 -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!
 
 -Aah!
 
 -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to 
 
 use it.
 
 {Roars}
 
 -I'm a donkey on the edge!
 
 {Belches}
 
 -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
 
 {Cheering}
 
 -Go ahead, Shrek.
 
 -Uh, Fiona?
 
 -Yes, Shrek?
 
 -I - - I love you.
 
 -Really?
 
 -Really, really.
 
 - I love you too.
 
 -Aawww!
 
 -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true 
 
 form."
 
 -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
 
 -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
 
 -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
 
 -But you ARE beautiful.
 
 {Chuckles}
 
 -I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
 
 
 
 I thought love was only true in fairy tales
 
 Oy!
 
 Meant for someone else but not for me
 
 Love was out to get me
 
 That's the way it seemed
 
 Disappointment haunted all my dreams
 
 And then I saw her face
 
 Now I'm a believer and not a trace
 
 Of doubt in my mind
 
 I'm in love
 
 Ooh-aah
 
 I'm a believer I couldn't leave her
 
 If I tried
 
 
 
 -God bless us, every one.
 
 
 
 Come on, y'all!
 
 Then I saw her face
 
 Ha-ha
 
 Now I'm a believer 
 
 Listen!
 
 Not a trace
 
 Of doubt in my mind
 
 I'm in love
 
 Ooh-aah
 
 I'm a believer 
 
 I couldn't leave her if I tried
 
 -Ooh!
 
 -Uh!
 
 Then I saw her face
 
 Now I'm a believer 
 
 Hey!
 
 Not a trace
 
 Uhh! Yeah.
 
 Of doubt in my mind
 
 
 
 -One more time!
 
 I'm in love
 
 I'm a believer 
 
 Come on!
 
 I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, 
 
 I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey
 
 Y'all sing it with me!
 
 I
 
 Believe
 
 I believe
 
 People in the back!
 
 I believe
 
 I'm a believer 
 
 I believe
 
 I believe
 
 I believe
 
 I believe
 
 {Hysterical laughing}
 
 -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
 
 -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. 
 
 
 
 I believe in self-assertion
 
 Destiny or a slight diversion
 
 Now it seems I've got my head on straight
 
 I'm a freak an apparition
 
 Seems I've made the right decision
 
 To try to turn back now it might be too late
 
 
 
 Now I want to stay home today
 
 Don't wanna go out
 
 If anyone comes to play
 
 Gonna get thrown out
 
 I wanna stay home today
 
 Don't want no company
 
 No way
 
 Yeah, yeah, yeah
 
 
 
 I wanna be a millionaire someday
 
 But know what it feels like to give it away
 
 Watch me march to the beat of my own drum
 
 And it's off to the moon and then back again
 
 Same old day Same situation
 
 My happiness rears back as if to say
 
 
 
 I wanna stay home today
 
 Don't wanna go out
 
 If anyone comes to play
 
 Gonna get thrown out
 
 I wanna stay home today
 
 Don't want no company
 
 No way
 
 Yeah, yeah, yeah
 
 
 
 I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........
 
 
 
 
 
 I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes
 
 My heart skips a beat
 
 Girl, I feel so alive
 
 Please tell me, baby, if all this is true
 
 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 Makes me wanna dance
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 It's a new romance
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 I look into your eyes
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 The best years of our lives
 
 When we first met
 
 I could hardly believe
 
 The things that would happen 
 
 and we could achieve
 
 So let's be together
 
 for all of our time
 
 Oh, girl, I'm so thankful
 
 that you are still mine
 
 You always consider me
 
 like an ugly duckling
 
 And treat me like a Nostradamus
 
 was why I had to get my shine on
 
 I break a little something
 
 to keep my mind on
 
 'Cause you had my mind gone
 
 Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh
 
 Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
 
 Let's just rewind the song
 
 'Cause all I want to do is 
 
 make the rest years the best years
 
 All night long
 
 
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 Makes me wanna dance
 
 Makes me wanna dance
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 It's a new romance
 
 It's a new romance
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 I look into your eyes
 
 Oh, yeah, yeah
 
 I look into your eyes
 
 Oh-oh-oh
 
 The best years of our lives
 
 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............
 
 
 
 
 
 Everything looks bright
 
 Standing in your light
 
 Everything feels right
 
 What's left is out of sight
 
 What's a girl to do 
 
 I'm telling you
 
 You're on my mind
 
 I wanna be with you
 
 'Cause when you're
 
 standin' next to me
 
 It's like wow
 
 And all your kisses
 
 seem to set me free
 
 It's like wow
 
 And when we touch
 
 it's such a rush
 
 I can't get enough
 
 It's like- - It's like
 
 Ooh-ooh
 
 Hey, what
 
 It's like wow
 
 Ooh-ooh, hey
 
 Hey, yeah
 
 It's like wow
 
 Everything is looking
 
 right now, right now
 
 It's like wow
 
 And I got this feeling
 
 This feeling 
 
 it's just like wow
 
 It's just like wow
 
 You are all I'm thinking of.
 
 Like wow
 
 Everything feels right
 
 Everything feels right
 
 Like wow
 
 Everything looks bright
 
 All my senses are right
 
 Like wow
 
 Everything feels right
 
 Baby, baby, baby
 
 the way I'm feeling you
 
 Is like wow
 
 
 
 There is something
 
 that I see
 
 In the way 
 
 you look at me
 
 There's a smile
 
 There's a truth
 
 In your eyes
 
 What an unexpected way
 
 On this unexpected day
 
 Could it be
 
 This is where I belong
 
 It is you I have loved
 
 All long
 
 There's no more mystery
 
 It is finally clear to me
 
 You're the home
 
 my heart's searched for
 
 So long
 
 It is you I have loved
 
 All long
 
 Whoa, over and over
 
 I'm filled with emotion
 
 As I look
 
 Into your perfect face