Casting Call/Transcript

== Transcript ==
(The intro plays. Cut to an outside shot of the Eddsworld Studios building, then to a door with a sign that reads "CAST AUDITIONS". A can of cola can be heard opening as the shot cuts to Edd, Matt Hargreaves, Matt and Tom inside the room, ready to listen to some auditions.)
Matt Hargreaves: Okay, we've got a lot of people to replace, so let's just get to it.
(Cut to the recording booth, where Jamie Spicer-Lewis is stood, ready to read his lines.)
Jamie Spicer-Lewis: Jamie Spicer Lewis reading for the role of Matt...
(As he says this, Matt Hargreaves looks up in shock. He then proceeds to wave at him.)
Hi Matt!
(Click!)
Matt Hargreaves: Just give us a second, okay?
Jamie Spicer-Lewis: Sure.
(Matt Hargreaves turns to Matt, glaring.)
Matt Hargreaves: What the hell is this? That role is already filled! By me! This had better be a mistake.
Matt: No mistake.
(This peeves Matt Hargreaves off.)
Matt Hargreaves: WHAT?!
Matt: Look, it's nothing personal. We just don't like you. Or your voice.
(Matt pokes Matt Hargreaves' glasses three times.)
Or your ugly, ugly face.
Matt Hargreaves: Well that feels very personal.
(Matt seems very happy with his choice to try replacing Matt Hargreaves. He leans back in his chair and grins.)
Matt: We're just trying to keep our options open.
Matt Hargreaves: You can't do this.
Matt: I think you'll find we can, 
(His grin turns very smug.)
and are.
Matt Hargreaves: No, I mean you literally can't do this.
(Cut to Matt Hargreaves in the recording booth, sat next to Jamie Spicer-Lewis.)
I'm providing your voice right now!
(Jamie stares around confusedly for a few seconds.)
Matt: Oh. Well, nevertheless, you're fired!
Jamie Spicer-Lewis: This is weird. I'm... I'm gonna go.
(He leaves.)
Matt Hargreaves: You can't fire me, I quit!
(Matt Hargreaves proceeds to throw his headphones to the floor and storm out of the recording booth, continuing to glare at his counterpart.)
(Edd, Tom and Matt all just stare off at him for a few seconds, then Matt perks up.)
Matt: Ha! Classic Matt!
(He turns around, pulling out a clipboard.)
Okay, moving on!
(Another outside shot of the studio building, which now has a period next to the W. Cut back to the booth, where Christopher Bingham is stood.)
Christopher Bingham: Christopher Bingham... reading for Tom.
Matt: Aren't you already the producer?
(The camera zooms in super close to Christopher's face. He's smiling sinisterly.)
Christopher Bingham: EVIL producer!
(Back to Matt.)
Matt: I'm sorry, what?
Christopher Bingham: Oh, n-nothing.
(Things go silent for a few seconds.)
Matt: Alright, well... go for it, I guess.
Christopher Bingham: Holy trombones on a polo stick!
Matt: Yeah, we really don't do that anymore.
(Tom hears this. He seems upset by this sudden announcement.)
Christopher Bingham: I've got nothing after this, so, if you- you know, I can do more.
Matt: Next.
Christopher Bingham: Christopher Bingham reading for Matt?
Matt: Next!
Christopher Bingham: Reading for Edd?
(Both Matt and Edd glare at him.)
I can go. I'll go...
(Another outside shot of the studio building, where this time, three EW logos can be seen stacked atop each other. Cut back to the booth, where Rob Denbleyker can be seen, covered in a mysterious red fluid.)
Rob Denbleyker: Rob Denbleyker, reading for the part of Edd.
(The crew goes silent again. Edd begins sipping from his Cola can.)
Matt: Uhhh, when- when you're ready...
Rob Denbleyker: Ahem... Matt sucks.
Matt: Perfection! Thanks for coming in, we'll be in touch.
Rob Denbleyker: Thank you, have a nice day!
(He walks away, now holding a knife. As the camera cuts back to the crew, two things can be heard, those being Edd sketching in his notebook and a siren.)
Matt: Was anyone going to ask why he was covered in...?
Cop, offscreen: There he is!
Matt: No? Okay then.
(Another outside shot of the studio building, except there are multiple of them this time. Cut back to the booth, where George Gould is now stood.)
George Gould: George Gould... reading for Edd.
(Edd and Matt seem surprised by his last name.)
Matt: Gould? Any relation?
George Gould: Yeah? I'm Edd's brother.
Matt: Oh, yeah, uh, cool. You got it.
George Gould: Sorry, what? You don't want me to audition?
Matt: No need, this just makes sense.
George Gould: Well, if you're sure?
Matt: That okay with you, Edd?
Edd, now being voiced by George Gould: Yeah, whatever.
Matt: See! You've already started.
(George seems excited by this. Cut to YET ANOTHER outside shot of the building, now sporting its original design, then back to the booth, where Dave McElfatrick is waiting.)
Dave McElfatrick: Dave McElfatrick, uh, reading fer' Tom.
Edd: Go for it.
Dave McElfatrick, in a mostly English accent: It'd just be you two, and no offense, but that would suck.
(Tom complains inaudibly to Edd and Matt.)
Matt: Sorry, Dave? Could you tone down the Irish accent, please? I'm maybe getting every third word you're saying...
Dave McElfatrick: Uh, okay? I thought I was...
(He pauses, then re-reads the line. In the exact same accent. Now slightly annoyed.) 
It'd just be you two, and no offense, but that would suck.
(Tom complains to Edd and Matt again, now visibly irritated.)
Matt: Yeah, Dave, we didn't understand any of that. Again, maybe... ditch the Irish accent?
Dave McElfatrick, now equally irritated: It would just be you two, and no offense, but that would SUCK.
(Tom complains yet again, which annoys Matt.)
Matt: ...Look, this isn't working. That'll do for today, security will see you out.
(Two security guards appear, ushering Dave out of the building.)
Dave McElfatrick: What!?
(Tom and Edd seem annoyed. Matt just seems glad that he's gone.)
Matt: There's always one...
(Yet MORE outside building shots. This time, the building is sideways, and the logo reads "ME" instead of EW. Cut back in, where Edd and Tom are boredly waiting for Matt to finish the next audition. Edd's can is now empty, sat on the desktop.)
Matt: Brock Bacon?
Brock Baker: It's Baker.
Edd: Whatever.
Brock Baker: Reading for...
(Zoom...)
...Eduardo.
(Eduardo's guitar sting plays briefly, before Chris O'Niell bursts in.)
Chris O'Niell: OH, NO YOU DON'T!!
(A stamp mark appears on the screen, with text inside that reads "Hey kids, It's Chris O'Niell!" on the top, and "(The original voice of Eduardo)" underneath. Stock audio of a crowd of children cheering can be heard.)
I'm Numero Uno!
Brock Baker: No, I'm Numero Uno!
(Chris enters the booth, and he and Brock begin arguing about who's "Numero Uno".
Chris O'Niell: No, I'M Numero Uno!
Brock Baker, in a whiny tone: Nooo! I'M Numero Uno!
Chris O'Niell: No, I'M Umbero Bruno!
Brock Baker: SOY NUMERO UNO.
(The camera is now zoomed into Baker's face. His eyes are bloodshot.)
That's Spanish...
(The outside shot now shows a twisted version of the building, stretched up to the clouds. The letters now read "WEEEEEEEE". Cut back to the booth again where Jonti Picking is now stood.)
Jonti Picking: Alright, Jonathan Picking, auditioning for out available! And, uh, that there is my wife.
The Wife: Hello, I'm the wife-
Jonti Picking: Shush, wife! I'm auditioning!
The Wife: Sorry!
Edd: Oh, hey, it's Weebl!
Jonti Picking: Uh, not my real name, by the way-
Edd: The badgers guy!
Jonti Picking: I shall be reading, uh, Green Eggs and Ham by... Dr Seuss's!
(He coughs all over the book and the mic.)
Dear...! Don't worry, it's not catching!
Matt: Do Magical Trevor! It's my favourite!
Jonti Picking: I don't do that no more! I'm a serious thespian!
The Wife: He's an actor now-
Jonti Picking: SHUSH, WIFE! I just said that!
The Wife: Sorry.
Matt: Oh, go on!
Jonti Picking: No!
Edd: What about Amazing Horse?
Jonti Picking: I SAID NO!! I don't have to put up with this! 
(He tosses his headphones against the wall.)
I am a consummate professional! Come on, wife! We are LEAVING!
(Jonti storms out, bringing his wife with him.)
The Wife: Bye bye!
(He then peers back into the room, glaring furiously at Matt and Edd.)
Jonti Picking: You best keep one eye open, my friend! One eye open... hmph!
(Everyone stares out at the door in shock and confusion for a few seconds, then Matt snaps his fingers.)
Matt: I forgot about Cat-Face...!
(The studio is now upside down. Matt, Edd and Tom are checking the clipboard to see who's next to audition.)
Who's next...
(The animators, Mike Picone, David Kalev-Roy, Collin Bogert, Pippin Kelly and Vincent Vintdoo, can be heard groaning offscreen.)
Matt: Ah! Animators!
(The camera cuts to the pale skinned, zombie-like animators.)
How did you get out??
Animators: We would like to do an audition toooo....
Matt: No! Bad animators!
(Matt sprays them using a spray bottle. They hiss and mumble.)
Wait.... if you're here...
THEN WHO'S ANIMATING?!?
(The camera cuts to a plane's cockpit. The door is closed for a moment, and on it, a sign that reads "Notice ______ ONLY" and a sticker that reads "ANIMATORS" can be seen. It suddenly bursts open, revealing the actual cockpit, where alarms can be heard blaring. The steering wheels are wobbling out of control. One seat is empty, and the other is inhabited by a burlap sack with a post-it note of a face and the name "Jon" on it. The sack drops the pencil that it was holding up briefly.)
(After this, cut back to the booth. The artstyle has reverted to something similar to the old, ORIGINAL Eddsworld artstyle. In the bottom left, it reads "UNREGISTERED TURBOCAM", parodying old videos that used to be filmed on unregistered versions of Hypercam 2.)
Whew... that was close.
(The building is now literally the Eifel Tower, just with an EW logo near the top.)
Name?
(Cut to Carpet Not-Matt, who appears to just be Matt Hargreaves wearing a fake nose and moustache, as well as a nametag that reads "NOT MATT".)
Not-Matt: Uh... Carpet... Not-Matt.
Matt: Okay Mr Not-Matt, in your own time.
Not-Matt: Not in... the faaaace! Not... in... the face.
Matt: Little more energy?
Not-Matt: NOOOOT THEEEEE FAAAAACE!
(Matt Hargreaves suddenly bursts back in, much to the shock of Not-Matt.)
Matt Hargreaves: Who's this!?
Matt: ...this... is awkward. Matt, this is Mr Not-Matt. He's... reading for the part of Matt.
Matt Hargreaves: Are you serious? Mr. Not-Matt?!
(Matt Hargreaves storms into the booth, angrily pointing at Not-Matt.)
This is clearly me in disguise! LOOK!!
(He rips off Not-Matt's fake moustache and nose, shocking Edd and Tom.)
See!?!
(The camera zooms out, to show Matt Hargreaves now sporting the nametag and holding the disguise. He seems confused for a few seconds, before Edd, Tom, Matt and the rest of the voice actors start clapping. He takes a bow as the newly formed crowd starts throwing roses at him.)
Matt: Magnificent!
(Amidst the crowd, Not-Matt can be seen, which once again confuses Matt Hargreaves.)
(This wouldn't last too long, however, as Ell, Tamara and Matilda from Ellsworld walk in.)
Ell: Are you guys done? We've got this place booked from three!
Matilda: Yeah, move your butts!
Tamara: Ugh...these guys.
(The credits roll, only to be interrupted by a scene where Diwi can be seen, reading from Romeo and Juliet.)
Christopher Diewald: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou...
Matt: Ugh, this guy again...
(Diwi sneezes, covering himself in mucus.)
Matt: You know what, Diwi? Considering you're the only German we know, I guess you can be Edd for the German dubs.
Christopher Diewald: Uh.. Really?
Edd: You know anyone else?
(Helmut Diewald suddenly descends from the ceiling.)
Helmut Diewald: Can I be on Eddsworld now?
(Edd stares at them in disgust for a few seconds, before sighing and begrudgingly accepting them.
Edd: Yeah, sure, why not.
(The Diewald brothers start ugly crying, pulling each other into a hug and further coating them both in mucus. Edd and Matt continue staring in disgust for a few more seconds, then the credits continue.)
(Post-Credits, Matt Hargreaves starts talking again.)
Matt Hargreaves: Hey, Eddheads! Thanks for watching the new video! If you'd like to support Eddsworld, please consider getting something from our official online store, OR joining our Patreon community, where we post lots of behind-the-scenes and extras! Also, social media. We ARE on every social media. Just- just Google us.
(Another voice can be heard in the background saying "Yeah, we put a lot of stuff on Twitter...", then the video ends.)
Category:Transcripts