I Love Painting/transcript

Previous Episode: Yours, Mine, Mine (Rewrite)
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: September 16, 2006
Episode Copyrighted: 2005
This episode is rated TV-PG-D.
Episode begins at Bikini Bottoms’ prestigious art museum.
Squidward Tentacles: *walks inside with a wheelbarrow full of my blank canvases*
He takes a look at the other artists and scoffs.
Squidward Tentacles: Hah! These losers are great amateurs at the fine arts and the gentle strokes of the paintbrush! Their feeble attempts are no match for my perfection in beautiful waves of pointillism! Time to criticize! *walks up to one artist who finishes making an amazing sculpture out of ice*
Squidward Tentacles: Sculptures?! Puhlease! Any ameteur can do that! Disgusting!
Artist: Jerk! *walks away*
Squidward Tentacles: *walks up to another who finishes painting a portrait of 3D style shapes for a little girl* Shapes?! This is art! Not Geometry! You are such a stupid braindead moron you follow me?
Artist: *begins bawling my eyes out
Little Girl: *gets angry* NOBODY TALKS TO MY FATHER LIKE THAT! *kicks Squidward in the groin with spiked cleats and sprays green paint up his nose*
Little Girl and Artist: *walks away*
Squidward Tentacles: *sneezes the paint out and sprays it all over another canvas* Wow, my nose smells like the inside of an industrial factory.
Gentlewoman: And my canvas which I was going to paint a beautiful seahorse on now instead exhibits a colorful mess only Rock Bottomites would enjoy! Peasant! *slaps Squidward across the face with my diamond purse and walks away*
Squidward Tentacles: Pfft, ugly old broad *walks up to the third artist*
He is going to criticize, but he pauses when realizing that it is Sandy Cheeks and Lynn Loud Jr.
Squidward Tentacles: Sandy? Lynn? What brings you around here? Since when were you an artist?
Sandy Cheeks: I do have a love for science and karate but every now and then, I always like to take a break from the chemicals, math formulas and kah rah tae to dab in the paints and the creative mind. It's really energizing too!
Squidward Tentacles: I suppose. Even though you are tolerable, I am the true artiste which means I must criticize your planned artwork and--
Lynn Loud Jr.: Squidward, there's Lori and Squilliam now.
Squilliam Fancyson: Hello Lori!
Lori Loud: Hey Squilliam!
Squilliam Fancyson: Lori, this is Squidward!
Lori Loud: Yeah, I'll meet him, Squilliam! *to Squidward* Hey Squidward! This is your rival! Squilliam!
Squilliam Fancyson: Hello Squiddy!
Squidward’s jaw drops in shock and he turns to face Squilliam, who smiles back cockily. Squidward then forms a murderous looking face.
Squidward Tentacles: SQUILLIAM!
Squilliam Fancyson: The third and not final!
Squidward Tentacles: Why must you attend this great art fair?! It's for lesser known artists and for the greatest artist ever! In other words, me!
Squilliam Fancyson: What an incorrect and narcissistic statement first of all. And second, this paint off can be for anybody, the rules were not specific to Captain Undies.
Squidward Tentacles: My underwear was dry clean only! And don’t focus on a Gym Class from 30 years ago!
Squilliam Fancyson: You’re right…… you putting on makeup and mistaking it for chapstick in elementary school 35 years ago seems more fit to take a nostalgic trip on! 
Squidward Tentacles: You monster!
Squilliam Fancyson: Oh how roaring of you! And I see you have got a friend here! Pfft, I’ve seen prettier.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Ahem, what was that supposed to mean?
Squilliam Fancyson: Didn’t I make it clear that I said there are plenty of prettier fish in the sea, unlike you?
Lynn Loud Jr.: *angrily grabs Squilliam by the nose and holds him to my face* Listen here you privileged little princess! I come from the South! And we do things differently than what you are used to! Keep acting like a thorn to us and you are getting the far opposites of Southern Hospitality! *releases Squilliam and for once*
He genuinely shows a thread of fear.
Squilliam Fancyson: Chill out Sporty girl, I was just playing around. I actually hope you do a bit well in the paint off to come, but Squidward on the other hand will be an utter and complete disaster!
Squidward Tentacles: Thorn!
Squilliam Fancyson: Tootles Squiddy! Now please stop rubbing off on other people’s insults towards me! Aha! Aha! Aha!
Lori Loud: Bye Squidward. Squilliam's coming with me.
Squilliam Fancyson and Lori Loud: *leaves to go and get a glass of apple juice*
Squidward Tentacles: I hate that stupid little nematode!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Huh, they left?
Sandy Cheeks: I can absolutely see why.
Sandy then grabs a paintbrush and a blank canvas.
Sandy Cheeks: So now let’s go and beat this butthole.
Squidward Tentacles: Ha! We?!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Would you rather stand around and have them beat you yet again?
Squidward Tentacles: I’ve been losing to that jerk since before I could walk!
Sandy Cheeks: So now, let’s win against him before you get too old and need a cane!
Squidward Tentacles: Are you making fun of my middle age?
The slide transition cuts to the Royal Woods Mall. They eventually arrived. Lori parked the van, and the two of them got out and went into the mall.
Lori Loud: Come on, Squill, let's go! They could be anywhere.
Squilliam Fancyson: I'm coming I'm coming, Lori! I'm coming!
The two walked around for about a minute before they heard a voice shouting Lori's name.
Carol Pingrey: *offscreen* Lori! Lori, over here!
The two turned around and saw Carol Pingrey, Becky, Dana, and Teri standing in the center of the lobby and waving to them.
Lori Loud: There they are! Come on!
Lori and Squilliam ran over to the group of girls.
Lori Loud: Hey, girls! Sorry I'm late.
Carol Pingrey: It’s fine.
Just then, Teri noticed Lori’s guest.
Teri Helmandollar: Hey, Lori. Is that your little brother?
Lori Loud: Oh, yeah! Guys, I think you know Squiward's rival, Squilliam.
Squilliam waved his hand shyly.
Lori Loud: I was gonna come alone, but I didn’t want to leave him home alone, so I thought he could come with us.
Dana from The Loud House: That's fine. We can always use the company of another person. *looks down at Squilliam and smiles* Especially a cute one.
And with that, Squilliam began to blush.
Becky from The Loud House: *nudges Dana* Dana! Stop it! You're embarrassing him. *under breath* Even though you're not wrong.
Dana from The Loud House: *giggles* Sorry. I couldn't help it.
Lori smiled and tussled her brother's hair.
Lori Loud: Cheer up, Squill. You'll have fun with us. *to the girls* Now then, shall we make haste?
Teri Helmandollar: You bet!
Lori Loud: *chuckles with amusement* Come on, Carol! We're gonna miss today's sales!
Carol Pingrey: *excitedly* Yes! *runs over to join the group*
The slide transition cuts to Squidward, Sandy and Lynn walking up to the judge’s office.
Lynn Loud Jr.: We should go meet the judges first, get acquainted with them and possibly better our chances at winning.
Squidward Tentacles: What? You have no faith in my amazing talents in the arts?!
Gentlewoman: Peasant!
She slaps Squidward across the face with her purse again.
Sandy Cheeks, Squidward Tentacles and Lynn Loud Jr.: *enters the judge’s office and much to our shock, then finds SpongeBob and Lincoln putting googly eyes on a miniature pineapple and Ace Savvy crafts*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: HEY SQUIDWARD!!! HEY SANDY!!! HEY LYNN!!!
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob?! Lincoln?! What are you two doing here?!
Sandy Cheeks: Are you one of the judges?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ditto!
Yellow Rectangle: *enters the judge’s office* Hey Squidward!
Squidward Tentacles: How?! The only thing this moron could judge is if his or Patrick’s fart is smellier.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It was Patrick’s!
Yellow Rectangle: Yeah, Squidward? It was his butt! It smells like a fart!
Squidward Tentacles: See!
Sandy Cheeks: Relax Squidward, there are five judges, he is only one, and give him a chance! Here come the other two now.
Two older and more professional looking art judges come up.
Judge #1: My name is Judge #1 and this is my partner, Judge #2.
Judge #2: We have very basic and unoriginal names.
Sandy Cheeks: I see.
Squidward Tentacles: Could you by any chance disqualify Squilliam from the contest? Lori and her friends are at the mall.
Yellow Rectangle: Yeah, if it happens again he would be disqualified.
Lynn Loud Jr: That could be an option but it won’t make you win against him Squiddy.
Judge #1: And he hasn’t done anything wrong, so it's not happening.
Squidward Tentacles: Phooey!
Judge #2: So, are you thinking you are going to do well in this paint off?
Squidward Tentacles: Why yes! I am Squidward Hubert Quincy Tentacles! The best, most famous artist to have ever lived in Bikini Bottom!
Lincoln Loud: But weren’t you voted the most garbage of the arts on social media? Not that I think that or anything but..
Squidward Tentacles: Shut your mouth, Lincoln!
Judge #1: You think art is all fun and games, but listen, here at the paint off, we take creativity very seriously. Do you follow me on the fact that this contest is no joke and you are here to be professional correct?
Squidward Tentacles: Yes, yes sir.
Judge #2: Good.
Judge #1: Now get going to the art room, we are beginning.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Good luck Squidward! Even if you lose, I will still vote for ya! I got your back!
Lincoln Loud: I will vote for you too, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: You two disgust me.
Yellow Rectangle: *gasps* Squidward, that’s mean!
Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks and Lynn Loud Jr.: *heads off*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Yellow Rectangle, Lincoln Loud and The Judges: *gets ready*
The scene jumps to the contest.
Judge #1: *walks up on stage and introduces myself* Ahem, good evening, my name is Judge # 1, and today, we begin the art contest.
The Bikini Bottomites and Humans: *cheers*
Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks and Lynn Loud Jr.: *waits out in the hall*
Squidward Tentacles: Come on, Sir Bores A Lot, save time for the best celebrity here!
Sandy Cheeks: Squidward, focus.
Judge #1: *turns the page of my introduction speech* Now onto my second page of my 64 page packet on the do’s and don'ts of art.
The audience goes from cheering to groaning. Squilliam, Lori and her friends are the only ones that remain patient.
Squidward Tentacles: *bangs my head against the wall* Fine, while this boring meathead reads as a bore, I will showcase my already existing and exquisite works to other people roaming about, so I could also win the popular vote! Right Sandy? Lynn? *sees that Sandy has already fallen asleep from the judge’s long speech*
Lynn Loud Jr.: *yawns and sleeps*
Squidward Tentacles: Squirrels! Sports! *pulls my shirt up and takes out several self portraits of me*
He hid under his shirt. He walks up to a woman named Ms. Mildred.
Squidward Tentacles: Excuse me ma’am, does this amazing artwork appeal to you? It must! It's called “A Thousand Points Of Squid!”
Ms. Mildred: *takes a gander at the self portraits, screams, runs and jumps right through a window*
Squidward Tentacles: Okay, that one didn’t count.
Squidward then walks up to the Con Man and showcases a cartoony version of his “Moar” Face from “Just One Bite.”
Squidward Tentacles: Does this look unsure and beautiful to you?!
Con Man: I wouldn’t sell that hunk of garbage for even a dime! And I am a con artist! Wow! That’s ironic! *walks away*
Squidward Tentacles: I am getting angry! *finally walks up to Don The Whale and showcases an album* Hey Shamu! Here is my album! The first picture is of me playing the clarinet! The second! Me cleaning a toilet and it is not a fun job they say! Third, I suck the batter out of eggs and four, a Gym barbell being burned in a fire pit! Wait what?
Don the Whale: *growls angrily and punches Squidward down the hall making him land into concrete*
Squidward Tentacles: Ouch *gets up, feels a tap on my shoulder, and turns to see the gentlewoman yet again*
Gentlewoman: *slaps him across the face with her purse sending him back to Sandy and Lynn*
Squidward Tentacles: Double ouch
Sandy Cheeks: So how’d it go?
Squidward Tentacles: It could’ve gone worse.
Sandy Cheeks: I see.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Are you okay, Squid ward?
Squidward Tentacles: I'm fine, Lynn.
The judge finally finishes his long speech.
Judge #1: And that is why the colors green and orange must never be mixed together or you will get an invalid scheme. That’ll do, on to the contestants. *points to Yellow* It's Yellow.
Yellow Rectangle: It is me.
The audience finishes getting out of slumber and groans in relief. Even SpongeBob and Lincoln also fell asleep and are now waking up.
Lincoln Loud: Huh? Are we awake?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Morning already?
Judge #2: Our first contestant! Bubble Bass!
The audience seldom cheered.
Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks and Lynn Loud Jr.: *looks back at Squilliam, Lori and her friends who snickers in return*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Yellow Rectangle and Lincoln Loud, the judges watch Bubble Bass sitting up on stage with a canvas.
Bubble Bass: Thank you my fine folk, in this art contest, I will be showing you how to paint a quad patty with aged halluda! And yes it’s pronounced halluda, not how-do-dah!
Judge #1: Go on.
Bubble Bass: So first, you use the paintbrush too… *drops it* Oh shoot, pardon me. *gets up and bends over to pick my paintbrush up, my pants do not fit me causing my crack to stick out*
Judge #1: Ugh! He’s mooning us!
Lincoln Loud: Disgusting!
Judge #1: 0/10! And disqualified!
Bubble Bass: What?!
Two Police Officers escort Bubble Bass out of the museum.
Bubble Bass: What did I do?!
Judge #1: Next up, Angry Little Girl and her sissy father.
The audience cheers and the little girl with her artistic father seen earlier goes up on stage and paints perfect 3D shapes in 5 seconds.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *writes 9.5/10*
Lincoln Loud: *writes 9.5/10*
Yellow Rectangle: *writes 9.5/10*
Judge #2: *writes 8/10*
Judge #1 *writes 8.2/10*
Ms. Mildred: *takes the stage and paints a beautiful diagram of fancy mansions*
All five judges award her a 9.3/10.
Lola Loud: *paints a beautiful diagram of pageant queen*
All five judges award her a 9.5/10.
Lola Loud: *smiles* My pageant queen painting is beautiful!
Lindsey Sweetwater: *paints a beautiful diagram of pageant queen*
All five judges award her a 9.5/10.
Lizzie the Flower: *paints a beautiful diagram of flower*
All five judges award her a 9.2/10.
Con Man: *paints basic dots on my new product called “Crime Creating Cartons”*
The audience boos him and he is awarded a 0 by all five judges.
Con Man: Biased!
Squidward Tentacles: Trash at art!
Squilliam Fancyson: Which you are Squidward!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Be quiet Squilliam!
Lori Loud, Carol Pingrey, Teri Helmandollar, Dana and Becky from The Loud House: *paints a beautiful diagram of phone painting*
All five judges award them a 9.7/10.
Don the Whale: *paints a picture of him even more muscular at the beach which Spongebob & Judge # 2 award him a 9.6/10 for. However, Judge # 1 rates him a 1.5.
Judge #1: Come on! He’s just rubbing strength I will never get in my face!
A couple more ameteur artists create some basic paintings getting either middle or low scores on, the gentlewoman paints her seahorse on a new canvas getting a 9.8/10. SpongeBob, Yellow and Lincoln themselves even pitches in for a fun round.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *paints an exact replica of my living room* I call this piece “Nautical Nonsense!”
SpongeBob is awarded a 9.4/10 by his colleagues.
Lincoln Loud: *paints an exact replica of my comic book* I call this “Ace Savvy!”
Lincoln is awarded a 9.4/10 by his comics.
Yellow Rectangle: *paints an exact replica of Mr. Best and Mr. Beat* I call this “Mr. Best and Mr. Beat!”
Yellow is awarded a 9.4/10 by his comics as well.
We finally get to the finals round after three semis. Squidward & Sandy prepare to face Squilliam in a team effort. Spongebob is now going to say the thing that must be painted.
Lincoln Loud: Now this thing I am going to say is a real thing that must not be ignored as a thing and unregarded as a thing as this thing will..
Lola Loud: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
Squidward Tentacles: WILL YOU JUST SAY THE STUPID LINE ALREADY?!
Lincoln Loud: Texas?
The audience cheers, Squidward groans in relief and Sandy fills with happiness.
Sandy Cheeks: Yeehaw! We get to paint my old stomping grounds!
Squidward Tentacles: Good for you.
Squilliam Fancyson: And I am going to be the first to finish!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Nobody can paint Texas better than Sandy, you're a little sad!
Carol Pingrey: Hey guys!
Becky, SpongeBob, Yellow and Lincoln turned to see Carol, Dana, and Teri walking towards them.
Carol Pingrey: We were just looking for you.
Dana from The Loud House: Ooh. Nice swimsuit, Becky.
Becky from The Loud House: Thanks. Glad you like it. I also picked out three more for you guys.
Dana from The Loud House: You did?
Becky from The Loud House: Yep. And guess what? SpongeBob, Yellow, Lincoln and the judges have volunteered to be our judge for them.
All SpongeBob, Yellow and Lincoln could do upon hearing that were stammer gibberish. Carol examined him for a second, and then came up with an idea.
Carl Pingrey: You know? I always wanted to try out some swimsuits myself. What do you guys say?
Teri Helmandollor: Indeed!
Dana from The Loud House: Absolutely!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Begin!
Squilliam Fancyson: *gets hard to work painting the lone star state. Squidward has never been to Texas before*
Squidward Tentacles: How am I supposed to paint the place?!
Sandy Cheeks: Give me the brush Squidward, I can do it and perhaps I’ll give you 75% of the credit.
Squidward Tentacles: Ah ah nope, I am the artiste so you should step aside!
Lori Loud: Yeah, Squidward!
Sandy Cheeks: *annoyed* Putz!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Ugh!
Squidward Tentacles: *begins painting what I think is Texas but ends up becoming a scribbled mess*
Lynn Loud Jr.: Squidward you are doing it all wrong! Let me help!
Squidward Tentacles: No! I got this!
Squilliam Fancyson: It sounds like you don’t! Aha! Aha! Aha!
Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks, Lori and Lynn Loud Jr.: Shut up Squilliam!
Sandy Cheeks and Lynn Loud Jr.: *finally gets the paintbrush out of her so called teammates hand and starts over on a new canvas*
Yellow Rectangle: This is very intense huh guys?
Judges #1 and 2: We’re your colleagues, not buddies.
Sandy Cheeks: *finally finishes my rendition of Texas*
Lynn Loud Jr.: *finally finishes my rendition of basketball*
Squidward Tentacles: Eh, I’ve seen better.
Judge #1: Time is up, would all artists now please showcase their pieces.
Sandy Cheeks: And how!
Before Lori, Squilliam and Squidward/Sandy and Lynn do the showcase, Squilliam suddenly thinks of something.
Squilliam Fancyson: Hold on there judges! I would like to file a complaint!
The audience gasps including Spongebob. Squidward angrily throws a paintbrush on the floor.
Squidward Tentacles: WHAT?!
Lynn Loud Jr.: What are you spewing on about now rich boy?!
Squilliam Fancyson: It just occurred to my mind that there must only be two artists at a time in the finals! Not three!
SpongeBob SquarePants: There is?
Sandy Cheeks: No!
Squidward Tentacles: That is a load of barnacles!
Lori Loud: Judge?
SpongeBob, Lincoln, Yellow and the judges *whispers to each other to decide what to make of this*
They finally rule in Squilliam’s favor.
Judge #1: Sandy, Squidward, Lori and Lynn, you are disqualified for passing by the rules, like I care, Squilliam you win for the tenth year in a row, now can I make my meatloaf already?
Squilliam Fancyson: *cheers and dances*
Squidward is absolutely livid and cannot believe this.
Lori Loud: *sobs*
Lynn Loud Jr.: Let’s go Squidward, he won, we gave it our best attempt, I didn’t realize it could only be two at a time.
Squidward Tentacles: No! *walks up to Squilliam and makes my own accusation* You cheated!
The audience once again gasps in shock.
Squilliam Fancyson: No I did not! Accept your disqualification Captain Undies!
Squidward Tentacles: This so called artiste is a fraud! He deceived you all! He even hid already existing pictures of Texas under his robe since he never been there either!
Judge #2: Is this true Mr. Fancyson?
Squilliam Fancyson: This little wuss is just butthurt that he lost to my professional skills behind the brush!
Squidward Tentacles: Watch! He does have those pictures! *lifts Squilliam’s robe up revealing his polka dotted underpants as well as several polaroids of Texas and its culture falling right out.
Squilliam Fancyson: No! No! Fishpaste!
Squidward Tentacles: Wait…… he actually did?! I was just guessing!
Sandy Cheeks: *laughs* What in the barnacles?!!
Lincoln Loud: Oh my god!
SpongeBob SquarePants: This contest is just getting crazier and crazier!
Yellow Rectangle: This is just more crazier!
Judge #1: Squilliam you are disqualified and your winning streak is now over, okay enough intrusions, I want my meatloaf now.
The audience and judges finally disperse. Now Squilliam is livid.
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah!
Squilliam Fancyson: I...I… I need a vacation…
Squilliam, still not accepting the fact that he lost, walks away.
Squidward Tentacles: *walks up to Sandy and Lynn* I’m sorry that we didn’t win guys, but on a brighter note I’m glad that Squilliam is now a loser at last!
Sandy Cheeks: We didn’t need to win Squidward! Because, at the end of the day, its all about teamwork and friendship, well sort of on the friendship part. You finally got past your narcissism and helped bust a deceptive cheater! Through an ironic twist!
Lori Loud: I'm sorry we didn't need to win.
Carol Pingrey: Yeah, Lori. So as you did, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: I did? I did! Maybe a team will work after all! But I am still the best though, just saying.
Sandy Cheeks: Keep dreaming.
Squidward Tentacles: So wait? If we didn’t win and neither did Squilliam, then who did?!
Gentlewoman: I did you peasant!
She slaps Squidward across the face with her first place trophy and walks off.
Lynn Jr. and Lincoln Loud: *approaches Squid*
Lincoln Loud: Squid?
Lynn Loud Jr.: Are you okay?
Squidward Tentacles: Triple ouch.
It says "THE END". Episode ends.
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