Harold's Holidays

==Characters==
* Nat Peterson
* Shubie
* Susie
* Baby Billy
* Harold
* Evelyn
* Sadie Rechid
* Nancy Suzy Fish
* Martha Smith
* Sally
* Nazz-Mimi
* Lenny
* Mabel
* Clayton
* Isabel
* Tyler
* Taylor
* Shelly
* Monroe
* Tommy
* Tall Billy
* Small Billy
* Sally's Daughter
* Nazz's Baby
* Robber #1
* Robber #2
* Mall Manager
* PA Announcer
==Transcript==
(Scene cuts to Harold working in the pet store)
Harold: "This is so boring! I haven't gotten a single customer all day. No one's buying pets for Christmas. How would you even wrap a pet under the tree?" Harold notices Evelyn walking outside. Harold smiles and waves at Evelyn. Evelyn rolls her eyes and continues walking. Harold yawns.
Harold: "I knew I shouldn't have stayed up all night working on my shrink ray. Lousy thing didn't even work. Well, it's not like anyone's coming in here any time soon. I'm sure I could take a quick nap." Harold hunches over on the front desk and falls asleep.
(Scene cuts to two robbers walking down the street)
Robber #1: "Nothing brings out the holiday spirit like stealing!"
Robber #2: "You said it! Now, what should we steal today?" The other robber looks through the window of the pet store.
Robber #1: "Hey! Come check this out! Is that guy asleep in the pet store?"
Robber #2: "Yeah, I think he is!"
Robber #1: "This'll be the perfect crime! It's an early Christmas miracle!" The robbers walk into the store. The bell on the door rings but Harold keeps sleeping. The robbers begin stealing pets.
Robber #2: "That's the last one! Let's get out of here."
Robber #1: "We really outdone ourselves this time! The black market is going to pay a fortune for these guys!" The robbers walk out of the store and the door closes behind them. Harold wakes up.
Harold: "Huh? What was that? Is someone here?" Harold looks around and sees that all the pets are gone.
Harold: "Uh oh, this can't be good."
(Scene cuts to Nat's house)
Nat: "So did they fire you?"
Harold: "No. The owner said that I'm on a 'leave of absence' until the holidays are over. Now I'll never be able to buy any Christmas presents and I won't have any money to pay the bills. Maybe I should try selling some of my inventions again." Shubie walks in the room feeding Baby Billy.
Shubie: "Hi Nat. Have you seen Susie? I don't know where she went." Susie walks into the room.
Susie: "I'm just playing some video games with Isabel, Mom." Susie runs back into the other room.
Shubie: "Oh okay. Hey, what's Harold doing here? Shouldn't he be working at the pet store?"
Nat: "The pet store put him on a 'leave of absence' for the holidays." Shubie puts Baby Billy on the ground.
Shubie: "Oh no, I'm so sorry, Harold. You can always stay with us if you can't pay the electric bill this month. Wait, holidays? What holidays?"
Nat: "It's almost Christmas, Shubie."
Shubie: "It's almost Christmas?! But Susie still hasn't finished her baseball season. And didn't we just have Thanksgiving? It's been such an odd year. I guess that explains why my boss was talking about hiring a mall Santa at work today though. Oh my goodness! Harold, you should be the mall Santa!"
Harold: "Really?"
Shubie: "Yeah! You fit all the characteristics! You're not the most attractive guy, you're out of shape and you love eating cookies! I'm sure I could get you hired!"
Harold: "Really? Thanks, Shubie!"
Shubie: "No problem! I'll talk to my boss about it first thing tomorrow. I'm sure he'll say yes."
(Scene cuts to Harold watching TV in his house the next day)
Evil Scientist: "And now with the uranium I stole, I can shrink the whole town with my shrink ray!" The scientist laughs evilly.
Harold: "What a stupid show. Everyone knows that you need plutonium for a shrink ray, not uranium!" Harold turns off the TV and walks outside. Harold sees Clayton walking down the street.
Harold: "Hey Clayton! You wanna go to the arcade?"
Clayton: "Sorry Harold, but I need to get to work. They're filming a Christmas movie at BBTV." Clayton walks away. Harold sees Lenny and Mabel walking out of their house.
Harold: "Lenny! My man! I know that you want to come to the arcade with me, right?"
Lenny: "I have work today, Harold." Lenny and Mabel get into their boat and drive away. Harold sighs.
Harold: "What am I going to do now? All my friends are at work. Except Scooter I guess. Oh wait! There's someone else in the neighborhood who's unemployed!"
(Scene cuts to Harold standing in front of Evelyn's house)
Evelyn: "Get lost, Harold." Evelyn slams the door in Harold's face. Shubie parks her boat in front of Evelyn's house.
Shubie: "Harold! I've been looking all over for you! I thought you might've went to the arcade. My manager said that he'd love for you to be the mall Santa! Get in! He said you can start right away!"
(Scene cuts to Harold putting on a Santa costume)
Harold: "Are you sure this fits? It seems kinda small." Shubie hands him a fake beard.
Shubie: "That's the only Santa costume we have. Our Santa last year was a midget. Oops, I think they prefer being called 'little fish' now. Anyone, you'll be sitting right over there in that red chair. All you have to do is let kids sit on your lap, have them tell you what they want for Christmas and then pose for photos. Oh, and here's your lunch pass. The manager said you can use this to get whatever you want for free at the food court during lunch break."
Harold: "Wow! Free food? Thanks Shubie! This job sounds even better than the one at the pet store. They just give us free pet food and I don't even have a pet!"
Shubie: "You're welcome, Harold! Just don't screw anything up. Any mistakes you make will reflect badly on me. Got it?" Harold nods his head.
Shubie: "Great! Well, I'd better get back to work. Have a nice day, Harold!" Shubie walks away. Harold walks over to the big red chair and sits down.
Harold: "Well, no one's here. Looks like I can relax and take a quick nap."
PA Announcer: "Attention all shoppers! Attention all shoppers! Santa's in the clothing store today! I repeat! Santa's visiting the clothing store today!" A line of people run into the store.
Harold: "Oh boy."
Martha: "Go sit on Santa's lap, Tyler!" Tyler runs over to Harold and jumps on his lap.
Harold: "Gah! Easy there, Tyler- I mean- little boy! So, um, what was I supposed to say again? Oh yeah! What's your name?"
Tyler: "Tyler!"
Harold: "What a nice name! And what would you like for Christmas?"
Tyler: "Uh... to poke you in the eye?"
Harold: "What?! Isn't there something else you want?"
Tyler: "Hmmm... Not that I can think of. So can I poke you in the eye?"
Harold: "No!"
Tyler: "Mom! Santa said I can't get what I want for Christmas." Martha raises her eyebrow.
Martha: "Excuse me?" Harold laughs nervously.
Harold: "Well... What I meant was... You'll just have to wait until Christmas to get it!"
Martha: "Oh! Let me take a picture! This one's going on the Christmas card! Smile!" Martha pulls a camera out of her purse and takes a photo. Tyler pokes Harold in the eye as the camera flashes.
Harold: "Aagh! My eye!"
Martha: "Hey! This photo looks awful! Why didn't you smile, Santa?"
Harold: "Because your son poked me in the eye!"
Martha: "He did not! Look he's smiling for the photo!" Martha shows Harold the photo. The photo shows Tyler smiling for the camera while Harold screams. Harold sighs.
Harold: "I'm sorry, ma'am. Why don't you try it again?"
Martha: "Ok. Smile!" Martha takes a photo and Tyler pokes Harold in the eye.
Harold: "My eye!"
Martha: "What the? This photo looks even worse than the last one! Are you trying to sabotage my Christmas card?"
Harold: "Your kid poked me in the eye again! That little jerk..." Martha hits Harold with her purse.
Martha: "Come on, Tyler. Let's go a different clothing store. Maybe they'll have a better Santa." Martha and Tyler walk away. Nazz walks over to Harold and hands him her baby. Nazz's baby squirts milk all over Harold's face. Nazz grabs the bottle out of her baby's hand.
Nazz: "I'm terribly sorry about that."
Harold: "No, no. It's quite alright."
Nazz: "Oh, isn't this cute? Let me get a picture!" Nazz takes out her camera and takes a photo. Nazz's baby spits on Harold and starts laughing. Harold sighs.
(Scene cuts to later that morning) Sally's daughter gets on Harold's lap.
Harold: "Hello, little girl. What would you like for Christmas?"
Sally's Daughter: "I want a sea-pony!" Harold looks up and sees Sally mouthing the word 'no' to him.
Harold: "Are you sure you don't want something else?"
Sally's Daughter: "Well, I've always wanted my own rocket ship." Harold looks up and sees Sally shake her head.
Harold: "Anything else? Santa's running low on rocket ships this year."
Sally's Daughter: "Hmmm... Oh yeah! I want tickets to the next Boys Who Cry concert. You think you can get me one?"
Harold: "Now that sounds like a reasonable present! Of course I can!" Sally's daughter gets off his lap and skips away. Sally walks up to Harold.
Sally: "Thanks a lot, pal. Do you have any idea how insufferable Boys Who Cry are? You would've been better off saying yes to the pony." Sally walks away. Isabel gets on Harold's lap. Harold's stomach rumbles. Harold looks at his watch.
Harold: "It's almost lunch time. I'll go get some lunch right after this kid. Oh, I can't wait to get some free food at the food court. So what would you like for Christmas, little girl?"
Isabel: "I want a skateboard, a new bat, a new mitt, a new helmet, new clothes, a bike, a Mermaid Man action figure, a new radio, roller skates..."
Harold: "Is that everything?"
Isabel: "Nope! I have a list!" Isabel pulls out a list that rolls out onto the floor.
Harold: "Look kid, I really need to get to lunch..."
Nancy: "Oh no you don't! I've been waiting in line all morning for this so you're going to listen to every word on that list! Keep going, Isabel." Harold sighs.
French Narrator: "Four hours later."
Isabel: "A coloring book, a bag of chips, a star named after me and a free Krabby Meal!" Harold sighs.
Harold: "What a wonderful list." Isabel gets up and walks away with Nancy. Harold looks at his watch.
Harold: "It's almost 5:00?! I haven't eaten anything all day! Okay! That's all for today kids! But don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow!" The crowd leaves.
(Scene cuts to Harold eating in Sadie's Cookies)
Nat: "Hey Harold! Say, you don't look so good. Something wrong?"
Harold: "It's horrible! Those kids are animals! They're always screaming, or reading insanely long lists, or trying to poke my eyes out! And the parents always blame me no matter what their bratty kids do. I don't know if I can do this for much longer." Sadie walks out from the kitchen.
Sadie: "Nat, can you help me finish the order for tomorrow's wedding? The bride just called and ordered two extra trays of brownies."
Nat: "Sure thing! Just give me a minute, Sadie. I'm sorry about that, Harold. That sounds awful. But you know you need to do this or you won't be able to pay the electric bill. Maybe instead of having them sit on your lap, you can trying to read them a Christmas story. At least that way they won't be able to poke out your eye."
Harold: "Huh. You know, that's not a bad idea! I think I'll try it out. Thanks Nat!"
Nat: "You're welcome, Harold!"
(Scene cuts to Harold walking into the clothing store the next day) Harold sees Shubie.
Harold: "Hi Shubie!" Shubie notices Harold and walks over to him.
Shubie: "Are you trying to get us both fired? Several mothers called the department store yesterday complaining about how 'unprofessional' our Santa was acting. The manager said that if he gets any more calls he's going to fire you. Do you realize how this makes me look? I already told you that everything you do reflects on me because I'm the one who got you this job. You may not care about this job but I do and I'd really like to get a promotion so I can buy my family Christmas presents this year! Do not jeopardize that for me."
Harold: "I'm sorry, Shubie. It won't happen again, I promise. I have a plan to get the children to behave and like me more." Shubie sighs and looks at her watch.
Shubie: "Alright. You better be right about this. Now put on your beard and get in your chair. The mall's about to open." Shubie walks away. Harold walks over to his chair. A small group of kids walk into the department store.
Taylor: "Hey Santa! Can I shoot you with my slingshot?"
Shelly: "Let's tie him down and put makeup on him!"
Harold: "No, no! Let's not do that! How about Santa reads you all a story?"
Monroe: "Stories are lame!"
Tommy: "Yeah! Books are boring! We want to do something fun! Like pulling down your pants!"
Taylor: "Yeah! Let's pull down his pants!"
Harold: "No! I'm sure you all will love this book! It's called The Secrets of Romance for Morons! Huh? Oops, wrong book. Sorry about that! It's called, Frosty the Undersea Snowfish!"
Shelly: "Lame!"
Harold: "It's not lame! Once a upon a time..."
Monroe: "Boo! Stop reading!"
Tommy: "Yeah! We don't like this book!"
Harold: "But I just started! There was a quiet little town, and in this quiet little town, a bunch of kids built a snowfish."
Shelly: "You stink! Let's pull down his pants!"
Children: "Pull down his pants! Pull down his pants!" The children get closer to Harold. Shubie hears the children and pokes her head out from behind one of the shelves.
Harold: "Stop! Stay back! Let me finish! Uh... the kids built the snowfish and named him..." Harold farts. The kids jump away from him.
Harold: "Sorry! I knew I shouldn't have had that burrito for breakfast. Please don't get me in trouble." The kids burst out laughing.
Taylor: "They named it Fart!"
Shelly: "Farty the Snowfish!" The kids continue to laugh.
Harold: "You kids like that? Okay! And then the evil magician demanded that Farty give him back his hat and Farty said 'Go away or I'll use my farting powers to send you to the Arctic Ocean!'." The kids burst out laughing. Shubie smiles.
(Scene cuts to Harold reading stories at the clothing store later that day)
Harold: "And then Rudolph punched Santa in the face like this!" Harold punches himself in the face. The kids start laughing. Harold spits out a tooth.
Martha: "Wow, I really misjudged that Santa. Maybe he isn't so bad. He certainly knows how to keep our children entertained."
Nancy: "I know right! Isabel's been listening to him for seven hours straight! I bought three years worth of Christmas presents in that time! We'll never have to shop during the holding season again!"
Harold: "Okay, that's all for today kids! Make sure to come back tomorrow for The Poop Before Christmas!" Evelyn walks up to Harold,
Evelyn: "Hey, Santa."
Harold: "Evelyn?"
Evelyn: "How do you know my name? Do I know you from somewhere? Your voice does sound kinda familiar. Where have I heard it before?"
Harold: "You seriously don't recognize me? I mean... of course I know your name! Santa knows everything!" Evelyn giggles.
Evelyn: "Right. Well anyway, I was just coming over to thank you for taking such a great care of these kids. It's made Christmas shopping for us moms so much easier."
Harold: "You're welcome! I'm, uh, always happy to help out with kids! Yep, it's definitely my passion!"
Evelyn: "Well, thanks again. It's really meant a lot. Oh! And if you're not busy tomorrow, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get something to eat at the food court with me. I just thought it'd be a nice gesture. I usually eat by myself anyways."
Harold: "I'd love to!"
Evelyn: "Really? Great! I'll see you then." Evelyn walks away. Shubie walks over to Harold.
Shubie: "Evelyn wasn't scolding you for something was she?"
Harold: "Nope! She was asking me out on a date!"
Shubie: "Oh, thank Neptune. Wait, what?! Evelyn asked you on a date? You didn't hit yourself too hard with that last punch did you?"
Harold: "Nope! She didn't recognize me with this costume on. She thinks I'm some random guy she's never met whose excellent with children!"
Shubie: "Oh. I guess you are a bit hard to recognize with it on. Most of the other parents didn't seem to recognize you either. They kept asking me who was wearing the Santa costume. Anyway, you were great today! I'm impressed. I never thought you'd be able to turn things around this fast. I thought you'd get fired for sure. Keep this up and you'll definitely make enough to get through the holidays! And maybe I'll get that promotion after all!" Shubie walks away.
(Scene cuts to a montage of Harold reading to children and going on dates with Evelyn)
French Narrator: "Christmas Eve."
(Scene cuts to Harold reading to a group of children)
Harold: "And the Grinch's fart grew three times that day! The Grinch smelled his own fart and decided to give all the fish their presents back. The end!" The children cheer.
Harold: "Okay kids, that's all for today! But don't worry, I'll be visiting all of your houses later tonight. Remember to leave me some cookies! Goodbye, kids! I'll be back here tomorrow!" Shubie walks over to Harold.
Shubie: "Well, you did it Harold! You managed to keep your job until your first pay day! The manager has your check in his office so make sure to stop by after you take off your costume."
Harold: "Thank Neptune! The electrical company said that they were going to shut off my power if I didn't pay my bill by Christmas! Thank you so much Shubie! I never would've been able to pay my bills if you didn't get me this job."
Shubie: "Oh, don't mention it! That's what friends are for. I really should be thanking you though. Thanks to you, I just got a raise! I can finally buy Susie the Christmas present she's always wanted! Oh, I hope they still have it in stock. Well, I'm off to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Have a merry Christmas Harold!" Shubie walks away. Evelyn walks over to Harold.
Evelyn: "Hey, Santa. Merry Christmas Eve!"
Harold: "Merry Christmas Eve, Evelyn!"
Evelyn: "So how are you going to be spending this Christmas? Doing anything fun?"
Harold: "Not really. I'm probably just going to sit around in my house and watch TV."
Evelyn: "Well if that's the case, how'd you like to spend Christmas with me? I figured it'd be a nice thing to do since it's Christmas and all. I normally only spend Christmas with my son anyway."
Harold: "I'd love to!" Evelyn hands him a piece of paper.
Evelyn: "Great! That's my address! Come over whenever you want to. You know, I've had so much fun spending these last few weeks with you. I haven't felt this way around a guy in such a long time. You really were a Christmas miracle for me."
Harold: "It was a Christmas miracle getting to know you too." Evelyn blushes.
Evelyn: "Oh, Santa. Hey, is that mistletoe above us? You know what that means, don't you?" Evelyn closes her eyes and leans over to give Harold a kiss.
Harold: "Oh my gosh! I'm finally going to get to kiss Evelyn!" Harold closes his eyes and leans towards Evelyn. Harold's beard falls off as he leans towards her.
Taylor: "Hey wait a minute, that's not the real Santa! He's nothing but a phony! A great big phony!" Evelyn opens her eyes right before she kisses Harold.
Evelyn: "Harold?! Ewwww!" Evelyn runs away. Harold realizes that his beard has fallen off.
Harold: "My beard! Evelyn! Wait! Don't go!"
Shelly: "Let's get him!"
Harold: "No, no! Stay back! I was just doing my job!" The kids start destroying the store. Monroe knocks over a clothing rack and Isabel sets it on fire with a torch. Tommy pulls the laces out of some of the shoes in the shoe aisle. Sally's daughter flushes some clothes down the toilet in the bathroom. Tyler pulls down the Christmas lights and Taylor smashes them with a baseball bat. Small Billy and Tall Billy knock over the Christmas tree. Shelly sets it on fire with another torch.
Harold: "Where are these kids getting these torches?!"
Shelly: "Let's get Santa!" The kids run over to Harold and beat him up off screen. Harold screams in pain. The kids walk away. The PA system turns on.
Manager (through the PA): "Harold, you're fired! Don't even bother coming here to collect your paycheck! I want you out of my store immediately!" Harold groans.
(Scene cuts to Harold sitting outside the mall, his body covered in bruises.
Harold: "All I wanted to do was make some money to pay my bills! Was that too much to ask? Now they're gonna cut off my power and I'll have nowhere to go. I'll have to spend Christmas freezing to death inside my house." Evelyn's boat pulls up in front of Harold.
Harold: "Oh what do you want? Here to complain about how I tricked you or something? Are you going to punch me in the face? Well, go ahead. I've already taken enough beating today. One more punch isn't going to do anything, even if it's from an ex-martial artist." Evelyn sighs.
Evelyn: "No, Harold. I came by to say that I'm sorry for what happened today and my offer still stands. You can spend Christmas with me and Billy if you want to. After I ran away from you, I realized that even though I didn't know it was you, you've made these past few weeks so much fun for me. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun around Christmas. It was wrong for me to run away and treat you like I did. I figured that since, you know, the Christmas spirit, I should still invite you over for Christmas. So what do you say, Harold?"
Harold: "I'd say I'd love to." Evelyn reaches over and opens the passenger-side door for Harold.
Evelyn: "Ok, get in. You might as well take a ride with me because my son and his friends destroyed your boat after they beat you up."
Harold: "They what?!"
Tall Billy: "That's what you get for being a phony."
Evelyn: "Easy, Billy. Harold's going to be our guest for the next few days so you're going to have to be nice to him."
Harold: "Wait, so now that we're back together does this mean we can finally..." Harold leans over to kiss Evelyn. Evelyn blocks Harold's kiss with her fin.
Evelyn: "Oh, no. We are not back together. We are purely going to be spending this Christmas break as, um, friends." Evelyn starts driving away from the mall.
Harold: "Oh okay. Hey, is that mistletoe hanging from your mirror? You know what that means!" Evelyn sighs.
Evelyn: "That's just an air freshener."
Harold: "Well I hope there's lots of mistletoe hanging around your house!" Evelyn sighs again.
Evelyn: "Don't make me regret my decision and throw you out of this boat."
(Scene ends)
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