POSTAL III - DEAD BABY JOKES

POSTAL III - DEAD BABY JOKES is the title of the video in which Civvie 11 reviews Postal 3. While Postal 3 is a game in the Postal series, as this video does not appear in the official Pro Postal playlist on the Civvie 11 YouTube channel, it is not considered to be a part of the Pro Postal subseries.
== Synopsis ==
[Episode Synopsis]
== Transcript ==
[Intro music]
You know, when I started this show I had a list of bad games I wanted to talk about. That list, of course, you know there was bad stuff like Bad Day L.A. on it. Bad Day L.A. was an obvious shit show. And even when I had about 15 subscribers I started doing a little series on Postal 2, a weird, glitchy but endlessly fun sandbox made by some crazy fuckers in Arizona, who understood that while their humor may be juvenile and may not appeal to everyone I mean, even I don't think Postal 2 is all that funny sometimes, but it's about how the game plays.
So I went into my Postal series knowing that it would lead to another game on my list another travesty of interactive entertainment that I felt was bad enough to warrant the kind of ugly mean-spirited take down that few games deserve, but when they do... They earn it...! Postal 3 deserves nothing but absolute scorn. It is the worst game I've ever played for this channel.
My apologies to Bad Day L.A. for calling it a shitty version of Postal 3. 
[Past Civvie 11]: It's like a shitty knock-off of Postal. No Actually it's like a shitty knock-off of Postal 3. Yeah, think about that for a fucking second 
[In-game]: You would never dare to ask for more!
I played Postal 3 once when it came out and tossed it aside and played Postal 2 instead. And in my vague memories of it, I considered it an unfortunate digression in the Postal series, mired in problems stemming from the fact that Running With Scissors didn't really make the game. They didn't have the resources at the time, so they gave it to Russian developers and publishers with a much larger team: Akella and Trash Masters, and after the economic collapse of 2008, Running With Scissors claims that the final product was nothing like what they wanted for the game; and I completely buy that because even Apocalypse Weekend, which goes for the same kind of linear missions the same kind of humor, even that; an expansion pack for Postal 2, that while it wasn't great, shows a basic competency in design. 
In 2012, a year after its release, Running With Scissors took Postal 3 off of its storefront. That takes some balls! That takes integrity and goddamn it, it takes the kind of decency that you don't expect in the game industry.
I got into a discussion on Twitter when I was preparing for this video, when I was trying to actually play Postal 3 and this shit happened... Yeah, when I first tried to run this game McAfee decided it was a virus. They weren't wrong...
Anyway, someone tagged Running With Scissors in the thread and they responded like this. And you know, we had some laughs. I told 'em, I said to 'em, I don't blame them for Postal 3 because even if they did write some of this stuff and do voice work or whatever, this is not the game Running With Scissors would have put out. It's more like they hired a surrogate to have their baby And that surrogate spent their days smoking crack and getting blackout drunk, and the baby well, the baby made it but...uh...he was premature. They're still not sure it is a baby...
but I have it now and... OH MY GOD!! ... Oh God, it looks dead! Is it dead?! ...
[Garbled baby sounds] 
OH DEAR GOD!! MAKE IT STOP!! 
Good way to start this off I think, In Memory of Champ; I just got used to the idea that Champ lived since the last video so... and if you'll notice the mouse cursor in those videos, yeah..that's.. it's always gonna be there don't leave comments about it. 
[Interviewer]: I'm here with a man known only as "The Postal Dude"
[Postal Dude] Meh... I hate that fuckin' name... 
[Interviewer]: Uh... okay, do you have a real name?
[Postal Dude] Uh... I forget. Kids, don't do drugs. 
Ah haha ha... Don't do drugs. Yeah... Cool...! Oh boy... Cory Cruise is now voicing The Postal Dude instead of Rick Hunter who was The Postal Dude in Postal 1 & 2. He does great with what he's given. Apparently Rick Hunter was going through some stuff at the time
[Jake The Voice] You ended up dropping the roll while the game was in development. Why so? 
[Rick Hunter] Eh okay, that's uh... there's a lot of controversy about that and..eh..uh there's a lot... of people typing lies about that. I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you. What had happened during that time, I went through a major break up with a girl and it was a bad time and I wasn't... I dropped out of a lot of things. It had nothing to do with Mike. It had nothing to do with Vince. They kept calling me and calling me but I was in just kind of in a weird state of um... existence during that time and that's when uh... a fellow colleague here in town. He's a good friend of mine, Cory Cruise; They picked him up to do uh... the Postal 3 voice and... a lot of people didn't like it. I like Cory.I like his voice. I think he sounds great. I think he did a great job. 
Rick Hunter is still my Postal Dude but Cory Cruise does fine. Too bad they put him in this game! The intro movie lays out how we got to Postal 3 and it's a more or less faithful retelling of the events of Postal 2 and Apocalypse Weekend until the tutorial level starts where it sets you on the bridge before fighting Mad Cow Mike J which you don't do that... or maybe you did... tell you what kids you normally don't know a game is gonna be total dog shit from the tutorial level but postal 3 ain't fuckin' around! 
[Calm music and obnoxious buzzing]
You might be asking "what the fuck is that buzzing noise?" It goes away in the cutscenes to be replaced by a cat walking all over a Casio
[Calm music]
[Postal Dude] I'm not a zombie, dammit! Fuck...
[Calm music continues while guns fire]
Oh, and Postal 3 has cover based shooting now... It has a cover system... Well, not exactly. Postal 3 has aspirations to a cover system. I never used it, but then again I never played on a harder skill where I might need to take less damage because there isn't one. So you take cover and regenerate health. I've never been a fan of this but when you do it properly the game could be at least playable; unless it takes 5 seconds of hiding behind cover to regain health... And then it comes back at a snail's pace! You walk forward you hit a cutscene... 
[Gun fire]
Oh fuckin' beautiful! I'm gonna mention this right now; cutscenes start and The Dude will go places in them but he's not in those places when they end. Usually. He's just... It's frustrating and it's disorienting and it happens all the time! Oh, and just look at this shit!
You have to jump over cover, right? But there's no jumping or crouching. You have to take cover against something then press the button again to vault over it. You have to take cover, a useless function in this game, then take cover again to... Hey, how's that baby doing?
[Garbled baby sounds] 
Outstanding! At least you can still pee!
[Postal Dude sighs with relief] 
So you get some grenades, cool! And you need to aim them with the fire button and toss them with the alt-fire; which isn't a terrible way to do it but it fucks with me because I keep pressing alt-fire thinking that it'll aim because of my own experiences with other games. It doesn't really matter. I dropped the thing in front of me accidentally. Which is bad! But I'll just kick it over there, you know like in a Postal game!
And the kick is fucked now too...! Okay... This is an easy one to explain. Kicking in Postal 2 works because it feels right because when you press the button, you kick stuff and there isn't a one-second delay to wind it up and your foot actually hits things! Look! Zombies in a hole. Gasoline. That's a no-brainer! It works just like in Postal 2 except you have no crosshair and in order to actually ignite these zombies you need to press up against this invisible wall
[Postal Dude] Say, that actually smells kind of good! Gee this bridge rules! There's useful shit lying all over the place!
I'm supposed to use pepper spray now. Fuck that! This isn't called coddled the NPCs with non-fatal attacks, It's called Postal! 
[Postal Dude]: Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark! Suddenly the ranking commander appeared. He was impressed with the way I totally did not kill his men. 
Oh, yeah sure!
And this awful film scratch filter? On the video? It's on every goddamn one! Because they wanted to make it look like a Grindhouse trailer and it does only it looks like a Grindhouse trailer somebody made In 2010 with digital editing software and they used it on every fucking cutscene. I would have skipped 'em but I just had to get everything I could from this game you know? 
[Ranking Commander]: Make sure nobody touches these bridge controls. Nobody! Got it soldier? 
[Postal Dude]: No problemo!
So the game explicitly says "Don't hit the big red button". So I don't. See, I assume there's an option not to do it, and something interesting will happen. Hear that noise machine? I don't know what that is... Testing. Testing. Right channel. Left channel?
[Postal Dude] I wonder what will happen if I press it... 
I waited for about five minutes to see if anything happened if you didn't press the button.
Nothing happens.
AAAAAARRGH! 
[High pitch baby laughter]
Shut up...! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! Then some stuff happens... Now you're in a new town called "Catharsis"
[Interviewer]: And, so you ended up in... Catharsis, Arizona? 
[Postal Dude]: Yeah, my car was out of gas. Unfortunately, due to the global economic meltdown; You remember the global economic meltdown? Gas was retarded expensive! 
Yeah that... I'm gonna address this right now. You remember how you picked up gasoline in the tutorial mission? You can do that in other missions too. You pick up tons of gas in this game! How does that make you feel nightmare fuel Eraserhead baby? 
[More garbled baby sounds] 
Yeah, me too!
So The Dude needs money so he gets a temp job at a sex shop run by Ron Jeremy who's famous for having a giant moustache. He gives you a job sucking up used Kleenex with a shop vac 'till all these hockey mobs show up to protest his porn store led by Sarah Palin. You guys remember Sarah Palin? 
[Postal Dude]: Ron strongly suggested that I launch some wads and drive those crazed MILF's out of his store.
[Civvie 11]: Yeah, well you have to suck up these Kleenex, right? But you see that crosshair on the screen? Ignore it, it's bullshit!
It doesn't relate to where you're sucking or blow it. It's almost like the developers didn't know they were making a third person shooter.
You got to look at where the vacuum hose is. So, this is the first real mission of the game and you have to shoot jizz Kleenex to make the puke and leave.
[Postal Dude]: I didn't know Valve had a shader for that!
[Civvie 11]: Did I say leave? 'Cause I meant disappear from reality entirely! You got to drive them out before they wreck the place or kill Ron Jeremy.
God, this is fucking boring! I don't know how many Kleenex it takes or how much they have to puke or where you have to hit them to get them to leave.
Hey guys, the Sarah Palin crowd isn't particularly concerned with feminist issues and... you know what?
It's real- It's really, it's not worth it It's just not worth it! Ron can't pay us. So he lets us keep the vacuum that I'm never going to use again.
... Thanks for nothing, asshole! [Postal Dude]: Uhh... Can I have free porn instead?
[Civvie 11]: These loading times are atrocious! Seriously, Hunt Down the Freeman had better loading times and Hunt Down the Freeman used to be the worst thing I ever played on the Source Engine.
Did I not mention this is on the Source Engine? You know Valve is in the opening logos!? I bet they'd be proud of that if they ever peeked out from the pile of money they live under.
I have another mission where I have to use catnip to catch HIV-infected cats. [Postal Dude]: Apparently, some sort of science experiment had gone awry in the previous game
and rendered the local cat population a bit...well, psychotic and rendered the local cat population a bit...well, psychotic [badly audio mixed cat sound] [badly audio mixed cat sound] [Civvie 11]: Yeah, okay first of all
that cat sound... [Postal Dude]: ...a bit... well, psychotic [badly audio mixed cat sound] [badly audio mixed cat sound] [Civvie 11]: Just stop...! I have some shit audio mixing in my earlier videos
but that's just... You sold this for money! Second, the local cat population in the previous game where the local was...
Paradise But... Paradise is... how do you... how do you fuck that up? [Postal Dude]: The guy warned me not to press alt-fire and accidentally snort the catnip,
then sent me off to catch insane old cats while he called his lawyer. [Civvie 11]: Because the catnip slows everything down to bullet time, right?
And it fucks the colors up and gives you predator vision for like 10 seconds. I didn't even want to do it the first time, but you see,
when the cat attacks you, you have to do a Quick time event to get it off. A Quick time event that involves mashing the fire and alt-fire buttons
[NPC bystander]: Does anyone know those things carry Syphilis? [Civvie 11]: Hey, they're AIDS cats, not Syphilis cats!
AAAAIIIIIDDDDSSS!! So you gotta catch 15 AIDS cats you spray the catnip you pick 'em up
and I noticed that this area looks like something that could've possibly been used in some kind of free roaming capacity like in Postal 2, you know?
So I go exploring I find an M16 which is cool because I don't have any good weapons right now and then a bunch of hobos start chasing me.
This M16 though. Good damage! Kind of satisfying to use. I give it a B-minus! You know, these areas actually look pretty good.
Like if this was a free roam game it's a little less open than the streets of paradise But it's got a decent amount of detail and the NPCs, right?
This wouldn't be bad. But it's not free roam... It's all just repurposed to be a shit linear game where I go around collecting cats until...
[Postal Dude]: What I didn't know was that the local Mexi-Sushi concern had dibs on the local cat population
[Civvie 11]: Oh, I get it! [Postal Dude]: and they didn't take too kindly to "Gaijin" plunderin' there natural resources.
But I really needed to cash--uh I mean, this was a cause that so much to me.
There was no way I was letting the poor syphilis infected kitties down.
AAAAIIIIIDDDDSSS!! [Civvie 11]: So now the Mexi-Sushi guys start flooding in indefinitely forever
and if I hadn't explored and found that M16 I'd be fucked! Let's talk about the melee combat and how it's the worst I've ever seen.
You notice how none of these punches land? Notice how the machete no longer severs limbs like it didn't Postal 2?
Notice how it barely hits them? and when it does they shrug it off and oh, yeah! This is the first mission with any kind of guns
and you weren't even given a gun at the start. And then you're overwhelmingly outnumbered by people who have guns
20 minutes... I am 20 minutes into this game! Annnd oh God the pistol is weak as shit unless you get a headshot.
And it's so inaccurate that even if you do hit someone in the head it's not always a headshot. But the M16 is more accurate than the pistol
but I'm already out of ammo so... uuuuuhhh... Postal 3 Eraserhead baby? IT'S RAW!
Is that baby real? Is that actually here? I don't... I'm just... I don't know what's going on sometimes
you know... so- som- someti- uh- uhm... th- the... sss... baby... Oh okay. Got to protect the Postal Babe from Hockey Moms.
Again... Not like it matters. All the factions are the same. They all act the same. They all shoot the same.
All their melee weapons work the same. As in way better than yours do because they actually connect and cause damage.
You got to do security for this event at the mall but don't go anywhere don't explore the mall 'cause you have to make sure Jennifer Wolcott doesn't die
and you're not supposed to kill anybody in this Postal game. [Jennifer Wolcott]: And make sure you use... THIS [Postal Dude]: Got it
[Jennifer Wolcott]: It's important that nobody gets killed during this little event. [Civvie 11]: Okay but this is Postal... [Jennifer Wolcott]: You attack anyone with lethal force
the cops will arrive and pop a cap in your eye. [Civvie 11]: I don't think that's an expression. [Jennifer Wolcott]: DO NOT fuck this up!
[Civvie 11]: Oh shit! I accidentally grabbed one of these chicks as a hostage and broke her neck!
[Police sirens] [Postal Dude]: Well, Jen was right. I've barely even had a chance to fuck up before the cops showed up in force.
Now I had two problems to contend with: the Hockey Moms and the police I'm such an asshole...
[Civvie 11]: "Nice going, dumbass!" "Now you've got to fight cops too!" Okay, Postal 3. I'll play your game and use this taser that seems to aim where the third person character is pointing and not at the crosshair.
Sure, you got it...
[Jennifer Wolcott]: Well, that was fun! Unfortunately, all the customers got scared off... so I can't afford to pay you.
Go ahead and keep the Taser in the shovel as a token of my appreciation Okay? [Civvie 11]: But you could use that taser to immobilize me
and that shovel to bury me alive so I could eventually suffocate and die. The Dude goes to the payday loan place
where you have to pick a side but at least you get to kill people again. [Postal Dude]: The Ecotologists were an extremist 'save the earth' cult.
Sort of a zesty blend of PETA and Scientology. [Civvie 11]: These two things don't work together. So you can either side with the cops or the ecotologists
and I side with the cops because fuck Scientology hippies am I right? I don't understand the damage guns do to you in this game.
Sometimes it's a little. Sometimes it's a lot. And The Dude, when he gets damaged says: [Postal Dude]: Gotta find more of that sweet, sweet health stuff.
[Civvie 11]: Which is a line which works in a game that doesn't have regenerating health. There's no med kits. There's no crack.
You might notice that the AI in this game alternates between milling around like complete fuckheads and accidentally shooting you,
but Dear God in Heaven don't let one of your stray bullets from your shitty, inaccurate weapons hit them! Like when they walk right into your line of fire
while you're trying to complete a mission objective. [Postal Dude]: And that's how I joined the Catharsis Police Department
Surprisingly, the girl cops are not all dykes! Just mostly.
[Civvie 11]: Classy...!
[Krotchy]: Yo kids! Krotchy here! Sorry to interrupt all the irreverent social commentary! [Civvie 11]: It's okay, you weren't.
Krotchy is here to explain the morality system. In a Postal game... They're introducing it now and you got to keep that smiley out of the red
or else you can't be a hero. In a Postal game... Do I even have to explain why this is a terrible game crippling addition?
To punish players for going postal in a Postal game? [Postal Dude]: As you probably remember from the news coverage.
My first day on the force was... quite eventful! It started innocently enough. Lt. Deutschbagge was teaching me how to subdue and arrest dangerous felons.
[Civvie 11]: Uuuugghhh.... [Postal Dude]: He mentioned how it was extremely important for us to not just kill everyone all the time.
In fact, killing innocent bystanders or other cops was just about the ONLY way to get thrown off the force.
[Civvie 11]: You get some hobos to taze and arrest. That's fun. Really... After you do that three times hobos invade the station.
Hobos. Homeless people. Heavily armed homeless people. And here's where the game stops being shit and becomes a complete unmitigated disaster
that's a stain on the reputations of a company that made a game where you piss in people's mouths to make them throw up.
See you have to go through this police station and you have to kill all these hobos and you have to escort ESCORT!
and protect Lt. Deutschbagge all the way to the basement. And his health isn't really a problem, but he's not gonna move until you kill every single hobo and they spawn over and over again.
So you'll think you've cleared out an area, but you haven't, so you'll go all the way through the level killing all the hobos because the police are fucking terrible at it.
And you get to the end and it's not clearly marked as the end, but it is. And if you left Lieutenant Douche behind, you better go find him.
And you'd better wait for his slow-as-molasses and dumb-as-dogshit NPC AI to follow you there or else you don't complete the mission.
And I tell you kids, I didn't kill a single cop during in this mission!
But the lieutenant was duly impressed with my selfless heroism and officially welcomed me to the Catharsis Police Force.
[Civvie 11]: Yeah, cool. [Postal Dude]: I arrived at the Ecotologist compound and met their leader, Al. and met their leader, Al. [Civvie]: Wait, what!? [Civvie]: Oh, yeah, I shot a cop accidentally in the last mission and the game told me I was still on the police force.
But I'm not. I got fired. The wrong cutscene played. That's fine. Now it's another shoot X number of Y NPCs. This time, it's the Taliban.
I got an M60 machine gun in the last mission and I have yet to play a game with a shitty M60. You know, it's a no-brainer, wall of bullets situation. Just look at Arnold doing it:
Yeah? Well, they fucked it up. It's horribly inaccurate, naturally. And the kick makes it impossible to work with.
I'm starting to think of this whole game is some kind of Russian trolling operation. Maybe Putin ordered it himself. Putin's just sitting back one day, says to himself:
"Yes, we will destabilize America by destroying Postal game. Postal is most popular American game series, yes? Of course.
And we will poison it like common journalist." So here's more terrible AI. I'm just writing this in the script.
I don't have a specific clip in mind. I could take any section and use it.
Champ attacks someone and so we have to take him to the incredibly topical Dog Whisperer parody here. He's in this game for a minute before the Mexi-Sushi guys come back because they cook dogs. Am I right?
'Cause they cook dog-sushi I mean... It's a stereotype of Chinese restaurants to cook cats and dogs. Sushi is Japanese and it's fish.
It's always fish, so... [Dog Whisperer]: Here, take this lazer pen! Use it to direct Champ!
[Civvie 11]: No, that's slow. The M16 is much, much faster.
Kill X number of Y mission over. So Champ attacks someone else in the cutscene and gets taken away.
[Postal Dude]: Then Al appeared out of nowhere like some kind of gay Dracula. He'd seen everything and wanted to help.
[Civvie 11]: A gay Dracula? Okay. I'm just gonna spit ball here and see if I can come up with a better joke.
Okay, how about... ...uhh Yaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssss-Feratu?
That's not good. But it's better. [Postal Dude]: He said he had a stake in the local phegway dealership and could get me a temp job.
[Civvie 11]: Uuuugghhh... [Postal Dude] It appeared that some obnoxious frat guys were turning the town into a drunken Phegway Destruction Derby.
[Civvie 11]: I'm gonna call it a segway because that's what it is. And this running... {cough} "joke" {cough!}... that segways are totally gay, bro?
Not only is it dumb and not funny. It's been dumb and not funny since before this game ever hits shelves.
So you got to hunt down a bunch of segways that some frat boys stole and then drive 'em back to the lot. And the segways only lets you use one-handed weapons like the pistol. So fuck that.
You drive them all the way back and it's boring and dumb and hearing The Dude make stupid jokes about how embarrassing it is to ride a Segway and how Postal has stupid vehicles now.
[Postal Dude]: Right... Postal has vehicles now. Very funny, assholes. [Civvie 11]: It doesn't really make up for the fact that this is a fucking chore and not fun.
The greatest sin a Postal game can make is being boring and this game is fucking boring! 99% of the time.
So I run around town murdering people because why not? It's not like the cops are gonna show up. There's no wanted meter in this game.
My morality level is already in the red and it says that using non-lethal force restores your karma, but that's a lie.
You never get that back. Non-lethal force just keeps it from going down. Al doesn't give you the money and then the cutscene ends with this notorious bit of shit:
"Is funny jump scare. We using KGB - I mean FSB. Why does Civvie's Russian accent sound like Skwisgaar?"
You got to escort his slave boy out of city hall without him getting photographed by paparazzi. Yeah, easy!
[Ron Jeremy]: You fucking moron! Do you have any idea how much it's going to cost to cover up all these dead paparazzi!?
[Postal Dude]: The Mayor seemed unhappy. [Civvie 11]: I don't know what you expect it to happen. So now we got to go liberate animals from the cosmetics lab and Champ is there.
And you kill X number of Y before a cutscene plays and then you're done. You sensing a pattern? They did missions like that in Apocalypse Weekend and they were a little bit hacky to be sure and repetitive after a while,
but the game kept giving you more weapons and interesting stuff to do. Postal III doesn't. Champ attacks another guy so I got to go do some deliveries for the Taliban.
It seems like Champ is choosing my path, not me. So I got to go do some deliveries for the Taliban.
You know. The Taliban. ['America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)' plays]
♫ America, fuck yeah ♫
♫ Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day, yeah ♫
♫ America, fuck yeah ♫
I'm helping the Taliban. I'm helping the Taliban. Fuck you game! Anyway, you have to take on Randy Jones's Segway gang.
Yeah, we're back to the segways and this mission is a chore too, but this music ain't bad:
They all have guns, so what you do is DO NOT DO NOT GET ON DO NOT GET ON THE SEGWAY. Leave it behind before you take out the bikers and get it later. Because it just slows you down.
Once you do that you have to take the dolls to Krotchy's Tossed Salad. Yeah, that's... Great joke guys.
Anyway that's Krotchy's restaurant. Do you know where that is? It's somewhere in this area, right? No. It's in the mall, which you can now enter from this open area as if it's some kind of free roaming game.
But then nerds want them so you have to kill nerds while trying to find where the Krotchy's... You know what? I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here. I'm getting nowhere.
This game is like simulating doing fucking nothing with your life. So you got to go shoot drug footballs over the border in Mexico
and if that sounds like a force too awkward transition, yes. But then the DEA shows up and you got to kill them.
But then you're in jail and you got to take a side between prisoners and cops and I just want a gun, so I try and punch this guy out.
We already know how this goes.
You might not know this but federal prison looks exactly like the police station map from earlier. Weird.
I just kill fucking everybody and The Dude decides he needs a disguise, so now we have to go to Krotchy. Who I have to fight for his suit. Along with the Nerd Army.
As in the army that was trying to prevent me from delivering the toys to Krotchy three missions ago.
Believe it or not, that was only the first crash of the run. Now I have to talk about the shotgun; Now I have to talk about the shotgun; the shotgun sucks!
I fucking hate Halo, right? But Halo has a good shotgun. This shotgun is the fucking worst. You hit a guy with it and it knocks him down,
but since everything ragdolls the same you think they're dead, but they're not. You knock 'em down, they get up. You knock 'em down, they get up. You knock 'em down, they get up.
You knock 'em down, they get up. You knock 'em down, they Now this behavior is shared by Krotchy, who's supposed to be a boss, but also gets knocked on his ass by a shotgun blast that seems to do less damage than a single bullet from the M16.
I know what you're gonna do Katie. Don't you goddamn dare put that Chumbawamba song in. I'm gonna get flagged for that. Don't you do it!
['Tubthumping' by Chumbawamba begins playing despite previous instruction]
Katie, you bitch!
[Postal Dude]: Obviously the Krotch man forgot how this tango went down in the last game. [Civvie 11]: So you get the Krotchy costume and you go to do a job at the gay rodeo, but you can't sprint or use cover in this Krotchy outfit.
Which is fine because both of those things are fucking broken. So you suck shit until the mission decides it wants you to face the methed up Rhino, which is also broken and terrible.
It's a charging boss that you have to trick into hitting its own head against a wall so it loses health. You do it five times.
No, wait, I have to choose a side between the Police and Ecotologists who were in the cut scene, but then they're not they're in the game.
[Postal Dude]: Agh! I'm so lame. I let the mayor get owned by the meth Rhino and now I'm not getting paid.
[Civvie 11]: So now we got to find Champ and he's in the sewer. But he's past the sewer in these caves that all look alike and have no distinguishing features anywhere and are full of Mexi-sushi henchman.
And if you thought escorting Lieutenant Douche was a problem, try escorting Champ. 'Cause that's what you're doing.
You have to do an escort quest in a sewer level. You have to do an escort quest in a sewer level. THAT'S trolling. Then you go to Daveland for some reason and someone puts in a sex tape.
[Postal Dude]: Dave was so happy, he hired me to run the visuals for the Mayor's big presidential announcement.
But some idiot mixed up the tapes and I accidentally ran a somewhat... compromising piece of video.
It featured, among other things, the Mayor and Dave performing illicit acts with his 40 year old Malaysian slave boy and a rhino.
[Ron Jeremy]: There's been a terrible mistake. That video is a plot by the elite liberal media conspiracy. Dave make it stop!
[Civvie 11]: Now, I can't show it on YouTube but under that black box is a tiddy. Like a girl tiddy. As in one that can't possibly belong to Ron Jeremy, Uncle Dave, 40-year old slave boy or a rhino.
Suddenly all the poorly developed factions turn on each other. Randy Jones. Randy Jones. The Taliban. Randy Jones. The Taliban. Uncle Dave.
Randy Jones. The Taliban. Uncle Dave. The Ecotologists. Randy Jones. The Taliban. Uncle Dave. The Ecotologists. Whoever. Randy Jones. The Taliban. Uncle Dave. The Ecotologists. Whoever. Fuck I don't care. So I run around gunning people down -- a lot of them don't even attack me unless I provoke them -- trying to find the exit to this hedge maze.
And this little red smiley hasn't changed from the evil one since like back from the game played the wrong cutscene at the police station. It's so boring!
Oh, and if you've been noticing the framerate drops, that's the game, I promise. I escaped Daveland and the Hockey Moms gang up on Dave, Ron Jeremy, and Osama, 'cause they're all working together.
I'm skipping so many bad jokes to help you guys out. Trust me.
I mean yeah, obviously. This game is fucking terrible. Uhhhhh....
Wait, what!? WHAT!? You locked off the last part of your fucking Postal game behind a good path!? A fucking good path in a Postal game!?
What the fuck were you thinking!? In order to get the good ending in a Postal game, I have to not go Postal!? I-It's fucking--!
That's right kids! I played through Postal III twice for this video. And you know what?
The second time was worse! Mercifully, you don't have to play through the whole game again to get the good ending.
You just have to go back to the mission with the police and the Ecotologist. And once you do that police station mission again with the hobos and leading dumbass Lieutenant Douche around:
[Postal Dude]: Not amusingly, the lieutenant was furious about all the friendly fire and threw me off the force.
[Civvie 11]: Bullshit! I didn't hit a single cop that whole time. Fuck!
[Postal Dude] So there I was. My first day of serving and protecting. Yep, I was the law.
What? You knew I was gonna say it. [Civvie 11]: Oh. Oh I get it. The game just played the wrong cutscene. I didn't get fired.
I have to go out on patrol now and stop some crime. This dude is trying to smash up the bumper of a car with a club.
Let me just taze him and oh, come on! Look at it! The crosshair is right on him.
[NPC bystander]: The power has gone straight to his head! Typical. [Civvie 11]: He blows the car up by clubbing the front of it and I lose karma?
Bullshit!
Okay, let's bust this cat. I taze him and pick him up trying to arrest him. [Postal Dude] It's amazing how many cats this jacket can hold.
[Civvie 11]: What jacket Dude? What jacket? The jacket you wear in other missions? Yeah?
Yeah. So in order to do this right, I got to take the cat I got back out of my inventory and toss him and then kill him.
But he turns into a Tasmanian devil cat like in Apocalypse Weekend, except in this game the hit detection is so fucking bad that at first I thought you couldn't even hit them when they did this.
But you can. But don't ask me how I did it. The catnip doesn't seem to be working Oh, wait. No now it is. Let me just electrocute this cat.
[Postal Dude]: Nice catch! [Civvie 11]: Oh no, the Taliban is attacking!
You mean I don't have to help the terrorists!? Time to shoot X number of Y again. The next mission is like the Jennifer Wolcott mission from before when you're a security guard,
except now you're protecting trash master and Postal movie director Uwe Boll. And I'm gonna say this right now. I try to avoid doing movies on this channel now because of YouTube's
dedication to fellating copyright holders who don't want anyone to know their movie sucks before putting some cash down first.
"You may be aware that Uwe Boll's reputation as a filmmaker is a bit sketchy.
(If not, Google 'world's worst director'). But is that any reason to hate him? To wish him harm?". Well, okay. Here's the thing. As far as I know Uwe Boll is the only one who has physically harmed anyone over his shitty movies.
Which are objectively shitty. Even the Postal movie, which isn't even close to his shittiest movie is still incompetently made. You wanna see?
"Do you think we can sneak in past the Taliban without them finding out?" [Civvie 11]: Yeah, that's some embarrassing ADR work right there. That's terrible!
"Do you think we can sneak in past the Taliban without them finding out?" [Civvie 11]: Anyway, this is the worst mission in the game.
You can't even kill the Nerds or you can't kill many of them because then your karma meter goes red and you get thrown off the force.
There's a trick though. If you start a mission from the New Game menu, you don't carry bad karma over from the last mission.
We're gonna be using that a lot. So you get about a million of these goddamn nerds and you're supposed to taze them.
Hold on I fucked up. Let me reload. And it crashed. Okay fine. I knew that would happen eventually. I'm surprised it has it happened more.
Okay, back to defending Uwe Boll and it crashes again. Fuck me. It's easy to get overwhelmed by these guys and dices. You can't just gun them all down like in a Postal game.
So I reload the game and it crashes again. Good.
(Distant) Good. (Distant) Fucking... So I reload the game and it crashes again. But what amazes me so far is that it's crashed in three different ways on the same mission. It's incredible.
So I have to kill some of these guys just for crowd control purposes. But not all of them or else I can't get the good ending which lets me play more of this fucking pile of watery spunk drenched shit.
The next mission is nerds again. They've taken over the arcade and it's my job to kill them all. We get to kill them all now. Maybe if we'd done that the last mission they wouldn't be here taking over an arcade.
Only to be interrupted by Hockey Moms, who also take over the arcade. And you go with Jennifer Wolcott and you shoot people and it's all the same!
This game is like eating paste for breakfast lunch and dinner. So my karma is almost nil on the next mission where you have to stop the Taliban, who are dressed like stereotyped Mexicans.
But I have to restart the level to get my karma back. But I have almost no M16 ammo now. So trying to actually hit these fuckers while they try to escape with the worthless fucking AI cop partners.
It's awful! But I fuck it up and Lieutenant Douche fires me and sends me back to the Ecotologist Taliban hunting mission from the evil path.
So I have to do that whole mission again. And I almost have the first part done and then it crashes.
So I do it all again and try not to hit the civilians that run around aimlessly during these gun fights with the Taliban and walk into my shots.
And then you have to go raid the animal testing lab and kill animals instead of freeing them, so we're back to that trying to kill a Tasmanian devil cat problem and you kill X number of Y to win and progress so you
can take out a meth rhino that made its way into the lab and the lab here isn't built for fighting the meth rhino.
And the pathfinding is fucking weird. And once that meth rhino gets you one time, it's game over!
He doesn't kill you with one hit. He just traps you and the camera goes fucking nuts, so you can't recover and the Rhino hits you a few times and then it kills you and then I reload my quick save and-
Wait, what the fuck? I'm not doing this! I mean I'm pressing the W key to go forward but the game is sending me in this direction.
I can't do anything about it! I don't even know how this shit is happening and I don't care to find out.
I'm supposed to guide a monkey around with the Laser Pointer, which I don't because it's easier to use myself as bait because I can directly control my own movements.
Most of the time! Oh boy, it's this guy again. Champ attacked him in the bad path. So, let's see what happens.
Oh f-. Okay, fine. You remember that mission from before where you patrol the town? You get to do that again
The game even says it's recycling it, which makes it totally okay... It's not like they recycle every mission in this game five times.
And then you have to take the ecotologist compound and you have to arrest Al. See, he's Al Ron Hubbard. Get it!?
And it's boring and it's stupid and frustrating and your AI partners suck and the ecotologists spawn out of nowhere and attack you.
Jesus Christ, when is this game gonna be over? But then the ecotologists attacked the rodeo after I took down their whole compound and arrested their leader.
Oh, no! I better kill them and then fight the meth Rhino again. This is supposed to be the good path, right? The one that anyone who would be playing the third entry in the Postal series wouldn't see the first time through?
So why is it full of the same stupid shit from before? Why are there two Rhino fights instead of one? The Rhino fight is shitty and buggy and not even remotely challenging most of the time, so why is it here again?
Look at this! It even chases you into the same place in the same cutscene with the characters replaced. The gameplay is fucking identical. Why!?
Oh boy! The next mission where you're escorting Mayor Ron Jeremy and his guards on segways. First thing: Get off the Segway. Second thing: Stay off of it.
Run around, shoot terrorists, hit the load zone where it takes you to another part of the town, rinse and repeat, and then do it a third time until you get to Daveland.
And then somebody plays that Ron Jeremy sex tape again and everything turns out the same until you see The Dude holding up the villains at gunpoint.
Only then they run away like cartoon characters, so this time you get to find them. And it's the same shit up until then and you just go and take and all at once and they're just so hard guys.
They're so hard!
Oh boy, I'm so glad I played through this whole game twice to get here. Oh boy. Fucking...!
[High pitch baby laughter] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up you mongoloid freak baby fucking shit!
Your mother was a whore and your father was a dubiously respected game developer. Fucking Arizona- Can you guys...
Can you guys just give me a minute here? [Civvie 11 sobs]
But that's not the end. Oh no. See, the Venezuelan army invades led by Hugo Chavez.
I'm not gonna explain why. It's L.O.L random and I hate it fucking so... So you've run through a linear slice of this town shooting Venezuelan soldiers
and they're the same as all the other NPCs and the army that's here is just like the other NPCs too!
[Postal Dude]: Blame Pac-man. [Civvie 11]: Fucking useless!
Wow, he got one! I'm counting that as a glitch. It says at the beginning that you get to go postal now. It's setting you loose in the last mission.
'Cause now you have gas for the car. Well... well, actually no. It doesn't even really mention that. So... You have to face the final boss, Hugo Chavez in a tank.
Take that socialism. Oh, yeah, the rocket launcher. I forgot about the rocket launcher. They give you a rocket launcher in the last mission
You think you'd be able to use it on the final boss. Don't even try it. Don't even try it because he shoots them down and they blow up in your face.
[Postal Dude]: I feel like shit. [Postal Dude]: You know, if you had played a little better, this wouldn't have happened.
[Civvie 11]: If you've somehow made it this far into the video and you still own a copy of Postal III, can you tell me? Do you know? 'Cause I'm not - I'm not open - I'm not doing this again - I'm not.
So you got to take out the cannon, the gatling gun and the missile launcher on it. And those Rockets don't seem to be doing much damage.
[Postal Dude]: - to monkey diapers.
Of course. Alright, I got everything but the launchers. I gotta get on the other side of the tank to do that Oh God DAMN IT!
I'm afraid if I let the tank get any further the game is gonna crash again, and I'll never finish it. We stand in an area where we can't get hit and we whittled away at his health and I don't even need to hit the
tank's rocket launchers on the right side. You just do it with one side on the left and it's fine. It's fine guys! It's over! It's over. It's over.
[Postal Dude]: And that's the story of how I saved America from the socialist menace. My final crappy temp job?
President of the United States. [Civvie 11]: Well, here's the good ending. The Dude is president now.
It's not worth it. There's a pacifist ending too. But if you think you're getting that, you're out of your fucking mind. [Interviewer]: And of course by now everyone knows the reception you got.
[President Dude]: Yeah that whole dude mania thing was frankly a bit embarrassing. But I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans.
I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans.
I couldn't. Disappoint the fans. Disappoint the fans. I couldn't disappoint the fans.
Disappoint the fans. Disappoint the fans. Disappoint the fans.
Fans. Fans. Fans Fans. Fans. Fans [President Dude]: Hey, Vice-President Champ. What do you got boy?
[Jennifer Wolcott]: No way! I thought that thing only existed in Bugs Bunny cartoons. [President Dude]: [Laughs]
- [President Dude]: [Laughs] - [Jennifer Wolcott]: What's so funny? [President Dude]: I will regret nothing [Civvie 11]: Yeah, you wanna bet? This game sucks the shit out of my asshole and in true video game review show form
I have to kill it with violence. Oh, yeah, here we go! Who's laughing now, huh? [Baby cries]
[Baby cries] [Baby cries] [Civvie 11 maniacally chuckles] [Sounds of power tool & violence]
Whoa, hoo! Man, I think I just killed a baby.
This show is getting kind of dark.
== Trivia ==
[Trivia]
== Behind the Scenes ==
[Behind the scenes]
Category:Episodes
Category:Postal
Category:Season 2