Bruce Almighty/Transcript

==Transcript==
Ally, can we get to the recap?
You remember the Kowalskis,
they've owned the shop for 30 years,
and they are attempting to set a record
by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
And… you have to wear this.
A hair-net?
Health Department...
You are kidding!...
You're working along the cookie,
you have to follow the law.
I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.
All right! Give it to me...
God, why do you hate me?
We're rolling…
... and speak.
For decades the Kowalski family bakery
has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo,
known for their sinfully-sweet,
cream-filled Polski piroghis.
and the occasional sugar-induced comma that follows.
But today, in honor of their 30th anniversary
they invited us to ride along
as they go for the record of Buffalo's biggest cookie.
Vol? Vol? Do you need a tissue or something?
Can we get Vol a tissue?
Or a spoon?
lt's a good thing we're wearing these today.
’Cause we wouldn’t want any stray hairs into the dough.
You wanna do this again?
No. We can cut and move on.
Moving on!
So, tell me momma,
why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
Well, man from Health Department
say he find rat pellet in our pastry.
I say: No! Is big chocolat sprinkle!
But he shut the store down.
So we clean up,
make big cookie
to bring customers back..
Oh, I admire your candor.
Let’s try that again, shall we??
So, tell me momma
Why make Buffalo’s biggest cookie?
So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
That’s right. It must be wonderful
to see the smiles on their little faces.
I work in back, I see no smiles.
The previous Buffalo record was feet inches
made by Gladys Pelznick. If this cookie beats Gladys’s
it’s going to prove once and for all
that the Kowolskis have much more free time.
And the cookie is...
10 feet, 4 inches!!!
We have a new record!
We need some inspirational music!
But what are we really looking at here?
Is it just a big cookie?
Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?
It’s dedicated and hard-working citizens
the key ingredient.
… with a few nuts thrown in.
And finally, the love of our families,
which provides the warm chewy center
making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
And that’s the way the cookie crumbles…
I’m Bruce Nolan.
Eyewitness News.
What do you think?
I think it’s really good.
It sucks!
A story about a cookie!...
Pilsbury Doughboy would be disgusted.
Honey, it was funny, it made me laugh!
It’s nothing wrong with making people laugh!
I’ll never be an anchorman!
Not with this. The job’s right there!
But I can’t reach it.
Because every time they make me do
this kind of stuff
I have that act like a total goof
in order to make it work..
I have no credibility.
Not good… Not good!
Well, now you just sound silly.
You know what, forget it.
It’s not important! Right?
It’s not important!
Let’s watch it one more time.
- Oh, no.
Just once more.
- No.
Please.
- No!
Bruce, you promised that would help me with this photo album!
Now you get your goofy but over here!
Now you just go through this stack
and pick your favorites.
Oh, come on, this is fun, right??
Isn’t this fun?.
This is nice...
Evan is gonna get that anchor job
Bruce!
- He’s a favorite!.
You know what, let’s forget it,
let’s just forget it...
This is just our life, we can always
have some kid do it for us.
Whoa, hold the phone!...
I like this one.
Our weekend at the lake.
Where did you get that?
That was supposed to be in our private stash.
You look perky, huh?
must’ve been cold...
All right, just give it to me.
No, I’ll put this on my computer,
use it as wallpaper.
OK, give it to me, come on!
No, no, no.
All right, fine! Do with it what you will.
I don’t care!
I will do with it what I will.
You know what, I might even send this to Playboy.
I hear their way-outs can be quite tasty...
All right, give it to me! Right now!
Professional fighter!
Sweetie, time to get up.
Nooo, good dream! No...
Well, the 'Buffalo Sabers' lost again last night
at the hand of the 'Toronto Maple Leafs'.
Of course they lost. They’re my team!
”that’s the way the cookie crumbles…”
You know, I think there might be something
to this cookie line…
All the greatest anchors have had
their own signature sign-out.
… and that’s the way it was…
… and that’s the way the cookie crumbles…
Aha, aha, I like it!
Oh, no…
Grace, the dog!
I’m in the shower!
Bad dog!
The Inside is bad, the outside is good.
Oh, you’re done now! Great.
B-E-A-UTIFUL!
Come on. Let’s go back inside and have a s***!
What is the deal?
We are having a blood drive.
Creepy. Needle scare.
They need my blood.
I have a very rare blood type. I am AB positive.
Oh? I’m IB positive. “I be positive”
they’re not touching me with no needle!
This is so…
Helpful and life-saving.
- Not, is it’s blood.
It’s blood. Blood is supposed to stay inside the body.
That’s how it’s meant to be.
They must be stockpiling this stuff
in a warehouse, it’s all frozen on ice
and they tell everybody there’s a shortage.
It’s not true.
Where did you hear that?
From a very reliable friend of
a friend of a girl
whose sister is going out with a figure
very high up in the government.
But for your own protection,
I cannot discuss it at this time.
Now get out, before they see us together.
Oh, here, hold on.
You need to do these more than I do.
What is “these”?
Prayer beads, the kids made them for me.
They will keep you safe.
I hope they’re powerful! I’m gonna need
a friggin’ miracle to get to work on time!
This isn’t happening. Not now!
Not this week.
Not this week!
Oh Gosh.
Yeah! Yeah! The meeting started! Without me.
This is my luck!
Oh, God.
Come on!
Jesus!
Are you blind?
No, but I am late!
Is your child in dire jeopardy?
Find out tonight, after the game.
OK, promos are approved.
Jack, should we be focusing on Pete’s retirement?
I mean this IS his last week!
Yeah, Jack, any word on the open anchor position?
Evan, if I know something, you will know something.
Sorry, I’m late!
The traffic.
Have you guys already played the spots?
Tonight’s story, Bruce
But we’re gonna go with Evan’s piece.
The sex scandal in the mayor’s office for sweeps.
Oh, yeah... Sweeps.
… and that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
I’m just messing with you, Bruce.
See, you just got to remember that
the news room is like a big cookie.
You like jazz, Evan?
Yes.
Then I’ll play something for you.
I can hold that note all day, buddy.
Knock it off, guys.
Bruce, we’re gonna keep your story in reserve.
Now can we get back on the board?
So that we have something to put
on the air, today?
Great choice, Jack!
This is the Cadillac of bolognas.
OK, thanks.
Yes, sure Bruce, what do you need?
Sweeps...
Oh, Bruce…
Jack… Jack!
Hear me out here. I’m starting to get desperate, man.
I’m pusing . What have I got to show for it?
I’ve hit some kind of ceiling here.
There’s an antiBruce barrier that I can’t get past.
And Evan, he’s loving it, by the way... Loving it!
He gets all the stories, all the sweeps.
Maybe I should be more like Evan.
You want to be like Evan?
Evan is an nice.
I can be granted.
No Bruce, you can’t.
Are you going to pick that up?
No.... I’m sorry…
It’s just this anchor thing that’s driving me nuts!
Hi Susie.
Hi Susie.
Hi Jack.
Look Bruce, you are a better reporter.
You make people laugh!
All right, look.
Today is the 156th anniversary
of the Maiden of the Mist.
I want you in Niagara Falls in an hour.
The Maiden of the Mist?
It’s always live...
But Evans is the one that does the live feeds...
Now you AND Evan get the live feeds.
I’m going live?
And sweeps?
You’re interested, Bruce?
I’ll see your out-takes.
Jack, you’ll not regret this.
And I’ll not forget you. When I go national.
Hmm… can you?
Thanks, pal.
Can I have your wish now?
I’ll put it in the wish jar.
Thank you.
Ok.
Look at that! That’s a big wish!
Oh no, no! Mark, don’t eat that!
Don’t put that in your mouth…
That’s paste, honey!
That must’ve tasted awful.
Mommy!
My small Zoe!
Did you have a good time with aunt Gracey today?
See how nice this is?
A baby on the hip?
- Oh, is incr?vel
Oh, it’s amazing, you became mom.
The transformation is complete!
I’ll get it.
Small Wonders daycare.
Grace?
No! It’s Debbie. The sister whose life
you’ve not wasted.
All right, OK, OK.
- Bye Debbie!
Hi! Sorry, Debbie forgot to take her meds today...
Where are you?
Oh, a little place called The Winners’ Circle!
I’m at the Falls, doing a live report.
Live? That’s great!
Yes! It’s happening, hon.
I got sweeps and I’m live.
You know what that means? That I am able to walk on my feet.
You know, like I might have to do
in a live news anchor situation...
Oh, my Gosh...
- Yes!
That’s what we’ve always talked about, Grace.
Jack practically told that to me.
Practically?
Well, he didn’t spell it out, but legally he can… { }{ }But that is exactly what happened to Susan Ortega
before they bumped her up to the desk!.
That’s good, that’s good.
That’s GOOD!
Ok… Oh, honey, you know, I just don’t want you
to get too ahead of yourself.
Bruce…
- I gotta go, they’re calling me in.
Ok, honey, good luck! I love you!
Let’s do it.
They want you close to the fall.
Really? I’m gonna get soaked!
That’s the point. They want you to put this on.
Part of the conditions for us getting an exclusive.
You know what?
Nothing can bother me today.
Ok, now remember, it’s the
156th year anniversary, 149 capacity,
they cater to tourists, honeymooners…
I got it.
OK.
And you are going to be interviewing Irene Dansfield.
Irene! A pleasure to meet you. Really.
You look beautiful.
Irene’s mother was on the maiden voyage.
Wow! I am impressed!
Nine seconds!
Nine seconds? Holly hell.
OK, seconds?
… but because of the fast response, the toxic chemicals
were cleaned up without incident.
Susan.
Bruce Nolan is standing by in Niagara Falls
But before we go out to Bruce
we have an announcement to make.
As everyone knows, after years
our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.
Pete’s shoes are virtually impossible to fill.
But the show must go on.
And we can think of no one better than our very own…
… Evan Baxter.
Oh, God…
Congratulations, Evan.
Thanks Susan, I’m thrilled and honored, and as you said
no one can replace the great Pete Fineman
but I will do my best.
I have to say, I am so proud to be a part
of our local community of Buffalo
and I think, in a lot of ways
a great city is like a great recipe.
You take some hardworking citizens, some caregivers,
maybe a few nuts…
… all sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.
Ultimately that makes one sweet place to live.
That was amazing.
- Oh, I meant it.
I wish I’d written something better.
And now let’s go live to that whacky Bruce Nolan
at the Niagara Falls.
Hey, whacky Bruce!
Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?
Talk, honey. Talk.
What’s going on?
We’ve got an Walt Disney.
He’s frozen solid!
He may not have the audio.
Check the feed.
We may be having a bit of technical difficulty.
The feed’s good, Jack.
Come on. Talk, Bruce!
Damn it!
Oh, come on baby, say something!
Bruce
Talk!
Hi, Susan!
Thank you, God!
- Bruce Nolan here,
aboard the Maiden of the Mist, in the fabulous
Niagara Falls, New York.
First off let me give another congratulation
to Evan Backstabber… pardon me, Bastard…
Baxter, rather. It is good to see
what someone with real talent can do when
great opportunities are given to them instead of me.
Anyway, I’m here with Catherine Hepburn’s mom
Tell me, why did you throw
the blue jewel over the railing in the Titanic?
Did you feel bad at all while you let
Leo DiDicaprio drown
while you were safe floating on the big door?
Were you taking turns, or were you just too afraid
to freeze your big fat ass off?
I guess that’s all life, isn’t it? Some people
are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat,
with a stupid hat,
while others are in the comfy news studio,
sucking up all the glory. Oh, well.
Oh, look, there’s the owner of the Maiden of the Mist!
Let’s have a talk with him, shall we??
Come here, Bill.
No no no, come on, let’s have a talk.
What are you doing?
You’ve been running the Maiden of the Mist
for years. Tell me:
Why do you think I didn’t get the anchor job?
Look, I don’t want any problems.
- Is it my hair, Bill?
Or am my teeth not white enough?
Or like the great Falls,
it is the bedrock of my life,
Eroding beneath me!
Eroding! ERODING!
Cut the video.
OK.
I’m Bruce Nolan, for Eyewitness News.
Back to you, f***ers!
Oh, my God.
That is the motivation that I needed!
Right there!
Thank you!
Thank you, WKBW
Wimpy kiddy baby whiners!
That’s what it stands for!
I’ll see you on Channel !
Where they do the real news.
Hey!
What are you doing over there?
Come on, leave the poor guy alone!
Are you OK, man?
Yeah, you better keep walking.
What? What did you say?
Run!
Oh, God!
Ok ok ok.. It was just a joke.
Hey, you forgot your things!
Say something now. Say something.
B-E-A-UTIFUL. Pretty.
That’s what I got... That’s what I got
for trying to help up some....
Oh, don’t look at me, Walter.
Oh, no!
That is my payment, I guess.
That is my reward.
Just?
Just get a clue!
Thank God you’re all right!
God? Yeah, let’s thank God, shall we?
For his blessings are raining down upon me.
Wait! That’s not rain!
Bruce, please don’t do that, honey.
You know that everything happens for a reason.
That I don’t need.
That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me.
”A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”!
I have no birds. I have no bush.
God is taking my bird and my bush.
Oh, I see.
So God is picking on you,
is that what you’re saying?
No! He is ignoring me completely!
He’s far too busy getting Evan everything he wants.
Oh, that’s great, Sam.
But you missed your target.
I am over here!
Why are you getting mad at the dog?.
It’s not the dog’s fault.
No, it’s God’s fault.
He gave him the wrong coordinates.
OK, enough!
Would you stop being such a martyr?
I am not being a martyr. I am a victim!
God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill
with a magnifying glass, and I am an ant.
He could fix my life in minutes if he wanted to.
But he’d rather burn up my feelers
and watch me squirm!
Sweetheart, I know you’re mad,
it’s completely understandable.
What Evan did was slimy and wrong.
But this day could’ve been so much worse.
I’m just glad you’re OK...
OK?? Newsflash: I am not OK!
I’m not OK with a mediocre job.
I’m not OK with a mediocre apartment.
I’m not OK with a mediocre life!
So it’s that you think that we have?
A mediocre life?
Don’t make this about you.
About me? How can I make this about me?
It’s about you!
It’s always about you!
Perfect, perfect!
I’ve had the worst day of my life
and …
OK God… You want me to talk to you?
Then tell me what’s going on.
What should I do? Give me a signal.
I need your guidance, please, send me a sign.
Oh, what’s this joker doing now?
OK, all right. I’ll try it your way.
OK. Lord, I need a miracle.
I Am desperate. I need your help, Lord.
Please, reach into my life.
Oh. What the h...
Fine. The gloves are off, pal.
Come on, let me see that wrath.
Smite me! Oh, mighty smiter!
You are the one who should be fired!
The only one around here not doing his job is you!
Answer me!
Sorry, I don’t know you.
I’d call you if I did.
Oh God.
Hello,
No, this has got to stop!
All right, let’s get it straight.
That’s house, this is the bathroom.
House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.
What’s the point?
Denied that promotion at work?
Is life unfair?
Is there someone less talented than you
reaping all the benefits?
Is your name Bruce?
Then we do have a job for you!
We’re located at 77256 23rd Street.
So come on down, or we’ll just keep
beeping you.
OMNI PRESENTS.
OK. The glass is half full.
Oh, Jesus! OH!
Come on, look!
What is this? What is this?
Oh, Jesus… Thank you! Thank you again.
You’re looking for room .
Yeah, I figured.
Want me to even those up for you?
How do I get to the room?
That’d be on the floor.
The stairs are right over there.
I’d rather take the elevator.
Out of order.
I want the stairs though.
There’s always a second choice.
You mind giving me a hand with this floor?
What? That’s good.
Are you serious?
Oh, I… I’m kinda busy.
Amm… Raincheck?
I’ll hold you to it.
I’m free on the seventh, at 7:00.
Seventh at 7:00 it is.
This looks promising.
Hello?
Hello?
I’m looking for whoever runs this joint.
Be right with you.
I’m trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it’s working.
Yeah. Seems to be.
Kinda bright though.
Yeah. It is to most people
who spend their lives in the dark
trying to hide from me.
Oh, the elevator’s broken, huh?
Yeah, but… I’ll get around to it.
You installed a clapper?
No, but… catchy thing, isn’t it?
Clap on, clap off.
Clap on, clap off, the clapper!
Just can’t get it out of my head.
Oh, good luck with that.
I’m gonna go now.
OK, but the boss will be right up.
You must be Bruce.
I’ve been expecting you.
This is hilarious. So you’re the boss,
and the electrician, and the janitor.
Must be a killer Christmas party.
Don’t get drunk though. One of you
might need a ride home.
You always were funny, Bruce.
Just like your father.
He didn’t mind rolling up his sleeves either, son.
People underestimate the benefits of
good old manual labor.
Just think a minute.
Some of the happiest people in the world,
go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
What is this?
How do you know my father
and how did you get my pager number?
Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce.
Just about everything there is to know.
Everything you’ve ever said
or done or thought about.
Right there in that file cabinet.
Wow! A whole drawer just for me?
- Yes.
Mind if I take a look?
- It’s your life.
This ought to be good.
This last entry was a little disturbing.
”The gloves are off, God”.
”God has taken my bird and my bush”.
”God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass”.
Smite me! Oh, mighty smiter!
Now, I’m not much for blasphemy
but that last one made me laugh.
Are you spying on me?
Who are you?
I am the one.
Creator of the heaven and the earth.
The alfa and the omega.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Bruce,
I am God.
Bingo! Yutsee!
Is that your final answer?
The answer is.. God!
Well, it was nice to meet you, God.
Thank you for the Grand Canyon
and good luck with the apocalypse.
Oh, by the way…
You suck!
You know what? It would have been
a little bit more impressive though
if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.
Anybody with a brainstem can tell
that that drawer has been fed through the wall
from the other side.
All I have to do is find the crease.
Right around here.
There is a seam here.
A hollow spot...
Where?
Through a wall of concrete?
OK, that is a good one.
OK, how many fingers am I holding up?
Now Bruce, “thou shall not tempt the Lord”....
Well, if you can’t do it…
Three! Two! Four! Nine! Six! Eight! One!
Ok.
How many now?
Seven!
You’ve been doing a lot of complaining
about me, Bruce.
Quite frankly, I am tired of it.
Don’t come near me, seriously! When I’m backed
in a corner I’m like a wild animal.
I don’t want to hurt you,
but I will out of instinct.
You haven’t won a fight since grade
and that was against a girl.
Yeah, but she was huge, she had help…
The sun was in her eyes.
That ego!
Anyway, I planned to offer you a job.
What job?
My job.
You think you can do it better
so here’s your chance.
When you leave this building
you will be endowed with all my powers.
Whatever you say, pal.
OK. That did not happen.
No, no. I can find a better explanation for that.
I am going through a breakdown,
that’s what it is.
Normal everyday psychosis.
Come on… Start!
That was luck.
Come on, calm down.
You cannot be God.
You don’t have his powers.
If I was God, then I am Clint Eastwood.
Holly hell!
Be careful what you wish for, punk.
No!
I am a reasonable and sane human being.
With a Magnum,
the most powerful handgun.
I am not Clint Eastwood.
I’m Bruce Nolan.
This is not real.
This is not real.
Coffee?
Yeah. Coffee. Yeah.
We have a special on your soup today.
No, that’s fine. Thank you.
It’s tomato. I made it myself.
Okay.
Okay.
Excuse me!
I need a spoon.
It’s OK, I found one.
Here’s your soup.
Oh, soup, right. Yeah, right.
Having fun?
Come, take a closer walk with me.
Let me explain the rules.
Rules?
Yes, you left in such a rush
I didn’t get a chance to explain.
Two extra fingers
freaked me out.
I just figured I’d get your attention.
I did the same thing on Gandhi.
He didn’t eat for weeks.
Anyway, here’s the deal:
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose..
There’re only two rules:
You can’t tell anybody you’re God.
Believe me, you don’t want that kind of attention.
And you can’t mess with free will.
Can I ask why?
Yes, you can!
That’s the beauty of it!
This is amazing!
Speaking of amazing...
Excuse me.
Holly sh..
Cow!
Since you’re through with these,
I’m gonna keep ‘em..
Might come in handy some day.
See you around, kid.
Where’re you going?
I’m taking a vacation.
God doesn’t take vacations! Does he?
Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?
Besides, I’m covered. You’re gonna
clean everything up in minutes if you want to…
Right?
Ciao!
And you saw it was good!
B-E-A-UTIFUL!
Check it out. Check it out.
Check it out!.
Oh look, it’s the hero.
What's up, homey?
Yo, brethren?
Blessings on your alley.
Want another kick in the ass?
You didn’t get enough?
You wanna get another, Mr. Hero?
He wants some more.
Surely I say onto you dudes,
I do not wish to fight.
So as soon as you apologize
and make a full reckoning of the transgressions,
I shall absolve you and continue
along the path of righteousness.
What are you talking about, man?
I don’t know if you lost it all
up in here or what, but check this out:
You want me and my homies to apologize, right?
I’ll tell you what.
We’ll apologize, the day a monkey comes out my butt
then you’ll get your “sorry”, how about that?
What a coincidence!
Because that’s today.
Did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
- This is witchcraft!
- He is the Devil!
You guys leaving?
Hey, don’t forget your parting gifts!
Hey, you anal prowling butt monkey!
Time for you to go home, little buddy.
I am Bruce almighty!
My will be done!
My God!
You can call me Bruce.
What happened to you?
You just seem so..
Happy.
Why shouldn’t I be?
On a night like this…
These are amazing...
What are these?
A new breed. Cross-pollination
between tulips and daisies.
I call them todaysies.
OK.
Honey, these flowers are really beautiful.
But last night...
Last night I was only human.
Berry, help me out here.
Oh. I’ve never seen the moon that big...
Room?
Bedroom. 5 minutes!
Light!
I’ll be out in a minute!
Don’t rush yourself.
Sometimes anticipation can
heighten the pleasure.
There’s a funny thing about pleasure…
It can be quite…
PLEASURABLE!
Oh, my God!
In international news
Japanese relief workers are staging
a desperate effort
to rescue hundreds of people stranded
by a freak tidal wave
that hit Kidomoto city.
Scientists say the tsunami
may have been caused by what
they’re describing
as unusual lunar activity.
More on this as it develops.
…protect my father, my mother,
and my little sister.
…please, Lord, help me out of this crisis.
Sam!
Good boy.
Aah! Forgot something?
Good boy.
There are girls in the house.
Good morning!
- Good morning!
I made your grilled cheese.
My favy...
Honey, last night was just..
Heavenly! I know.
I mean…
I woke up this morning and I felt
like my boobs are bigger.
Do they look bigger to you?
What?
Hum.. No.
Bigger...
Oh come on, look at them...
Please, they are definitely bigger,
I mean, they look huge to me.
Listen, I have that to go.
This has been the breast back…, breast…
Thank you.
Where are you going?
To get my job back.
Is that what I was driving?
Whoa! Nice car, man.
Yeah! It gets me from A to B.
All this horse power
and no room to gallop?
Hi-ho Silver! Away!
You certainly wouldn’t want to be a
fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo’s number police dog,
on the job.
This is Phil Simon reporting from the Police
canine training center,
Channel News.
Cut it.
Hey, look what the cat coughed up.
Channel right? You’re the guy
that went crazy.
I had a bad moment.
What are you doing here?
Just looking for a story.
There’s no story here.
This pond is all fished out.
You wouldn’t stand this stuff anyway.
I don’t know. My instinct tells there’s something more.
You could go with that.
Was certainly well in the past, right?
Hey, Hank’s found something.
We gotta body!
Get the camera!
No!
The keys are inside!
I guess every dog has its day.
Hey kid, wanna make bucks?
Yes.
Have you ever used one of these things?
No.
Seems to be in tune.
Let’s do this.
The body of Jimmy Hoffa was
uncovered in a field today,
outside of a canine training center
in Buffalo, New York.
Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.
Thank you, Jane.
As you can see behind us,
the body is being carefully exhumed
and will be transported to a medial facility
where DNA testing can
confirm the identity.
That, however, is merely a formality
at this point.
As in a bizarre twist, the body was found buried
with the birth certificate
and a complete set of dental record.
I call that a red-letter day for any
canine unit.
But was that enough for old Hank here?
No, siree! Moments later
He busted a local news camera crew
with kg of marijuana.
I have never seen that before!
I swear!
I am Bruce Nolan
and that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Yes… Thank you, thank you.
Hi, Bruce.
Hi… Susan.
Good work.
I’m impressed.
Jack, did you need me for something?
Bruce, Bruce!
Just the man I want to see.
Hoffa… What are the odds of that?
What are the odds of that?...
Bruce, why don’t you sit down.
OK.
I am going to be straight with you.
We want you back, Bruce.
But I want that you understand
it was not my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order…
No harm, no foul, Jack.
I needed some time to reassess my goals
and get in touch with my true self.
You did that in a day?
Imagine what I could do in seven…
Look, Bruce, it is not in my power
to give you anchor.
Now, as far a field reporting goes
if you’re looking for a bump...
Jack, let’s just cut the crap
and get down to brass tags here.
I’m kidding with you.
Don’t even worry about it, my old friend.
You just give me a camera, Jack.
I’ll give you the news.
My secret is to marinade everything
in a spicy sauce
for at least hours
before I stir it into the chilli.
Then I let it all come to a simmer.
Hold it there, Hazel.
You saw that?
An asteroid or some kind of meteorite
fell right outside
the Mark Twain chili carnival.
This should certainly spice things up a bit.
The stories are all over town
From the murder of Jimmy Hoffa,
to a meteor crashing into Earth
Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as
And that’s the way the cookie crumbles!
Is it Bruce’s idea?
He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty
and luxurious serenity.
I gotta tell you,
He is really impressing me lately.
You know where he’s taking me
to dinner tonight?
Where?
The Blue Palm???
Oh my God, I just got jealous.
And he told me to prepare for the
most memorable night of our entire lives.
Oh my Gosh, Grace, he’s gonna propose!
No, stop it… No…
Really?
Yeah, really… Come on, you do the math:
He sends you all day to a beauty spa,
He takes you to the most romantic
restaurant in town,
where you had your first date…
Helloo! You know, I thought I’d never say this,
but Bruce is right,
this is your big night.
Relax and enjoy it!
Oh, God.
Welcome to Eyewitness News at
with Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter,
Fred Donahue - sports.
Dallas Coleman - weather.
And now, Buffalo’s number news team.
Good evening and welcome to
Eyewitness News at .
I am Susan Ortega.
I am Evan Baxter, and here’s what’s making news.
A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD
surfaced today, when the mayor…
I’m sorry, I seem to have something in my throat.
Somebody give him some water, please.
It looks like my co-anchor may need
a glass of water!
Here we go, sorry about that.
In other news:
The prime-minister of Sweden
visited Washigton today,
and my tiny little nipples went to France.
What did he just say?
Check the prompter.
The prompter’s fine.
Evan, read the copy, please,
the copy is good, just read it!
The White House reception committee
greeted the prime rib roast minister
and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
I lika do da cha-cha.
I’m sorry, we seem to be having
some technical difficulties.
In another news:
My apologies...
May I?
Certainly.
It’s perfect.
She’ll love it.
You know…
I was going to wait till after the meal...
… but I think it’s gonna burst out of me
like an alien if I don’t do it now.
Oh, God.
Ok.
This is it, isn’t it?
I do not know.
I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
I want to say I’m not ready for this,
I mean I don’t think I would have that…
I am sorry, go on.
I didn’t know this was so important for you.
Me neither.
Grace.
- Yes.
Grace.
Yes.
I got an anchor.
Yes.
Apparently, there was something with Evan,
so he’s gonna finish up the week and
I go live on Monday.
That’s great, honey.
I know, I know.
So that’s what this is all about?
Yes.
Grace, we got anchor.
Jack’s throwing me a party Friday night
at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.
What’s the matter?
Nothing.
I was so stupid!
Wow, it’s kinda loud in here, isn’t it?
No, it’s not loud.
Hey! Can you keep it a bit lower?
Thank you!
That was supposed to be funny?
What did you say?
What’s wrong with you? Stop yelling!
Excuse me, I think I’ll take a little trip to the…
The wine is going right through me.
I’m so sorry, sorry...
What is going on?
What is this?
Give me a break!
Really something, isn’t it?
Is this Heaven?
No, it’s the Mount Everest.
You should flip on the Discovery Channel
from time to time.
But I guess you can’t now...
… being dead and all...
I’m dead?
Nah… I’m just messing with you.
That’s not funny, man!
That is not funny!
What about the voices in my head?
Is that part of the hilarity?
They’re prayers.
And if you keep ignoring them,
they’re gonna build up on you like that.
But it’s just noise.
I can’t understand them!
You’re not listening, son.
Let’s see.
You had my post for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
I just care about a few things.
I righted a few wrongs in my own life, first.
OK?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I can help the world.
The world?
That wasn’t the world.
Those were just Buffalo praying...
I wouldn’t have started you off
on something you couldn’t handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce,
so I suggest you get to it.
Prayers, prayers, ok, prayers.
Organization! That’s what I need.
A system. Something concrete.
Concentrate.
Files.
Let all prayers be organized into files.
Well, that takes care of the voices.
Not exactly a space-saver...
Grace might notice.
I know!
Prayer post-its!
OK, I need something of a lock.
A security combination, a password.
A password!
You’ve got prayers!
Well coming to the Revelations Supreme.
You mass? No mess!
Downloading... Now.
This is gonna take a while...
1547503 prayer requests?
Better manifest some coffee.
Hello! Juan Valdez!
Now that’s fresh-ground coffee
from the hills of Columbia!
OK, I should have made some kind
of a dent, by now.
Oh, come on!
So many whiners!
This is gonna suck my life.
Yes! To all!
There you go.
Now everybody’s happy.
I’ll drink to that.
My tech stocks tripled in days.
You know something, John?
You seem taller.
I am.
My daughter pitched a new hitter.
I lost kilos on a Krispy Kreme diet.
Hey, there he is, the man of the hour.
Bless you.
Bless all of you.
Be truthful
and do not commit sins,
or something.
You should try that. It’s an excellent year.
Hey, Bruce!
How did you like the game today?
I like the Sabers coach prays a lot!
OK.
Here is Bruce, Grace and Sam.
Leave a message.
Grace? Are you there?
Hello? It’s me.
Hello.
Come on, Grace.
Come to the party.
I’ll call you later, OK?
Come on, Sam.
Help me now, kid.
Oh, Sam, don’t, come on!
What is it you want, Berry?
What do you want?
You want the moon?
Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso
around it and pull it down.
Hey, that’s a pretty good idea.
I’ll give you the moon, all right?
I’ll take it.
Here is Bruce, Grace and Sam…
Hi Bruce.
What are you doing in here all alone?
Alone…
I mean
I was gonna… give Grace a call.
Yeah, I didn’t see her in there.
How are you and Grace doing?
Actually we had a bit of a fight.
Kind of… not sure she’s….
You’re on fire, Bruce.
Some women can’t handle the fire.
Some can.
That’s interesting, because…
I never thought we would ever talk…
Grace?
You might wanna stop
touching me now….
Grace!
Grace!
Grace, come here.
It’s so weird, I was just calling you...
Oh, and you thought that Susan’s mouth
was the phone?
She kissed me.
I’m the kissee…
Oh yeah, and you were putting up
a really big fight!
I tried to fight her off, I tried to stop her,
but she’s really strong.
Ok! I screwed up!
Can I make it up to you?
Yeah, why don’t you give me a boat, Bruce?
What?
Yeah! A big boat.
and maybe two big bags of cash.
Then I’ll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff!
Other people want idiotic crap, like
getting married or having babies with
the man that they love for years.
But not me, Bruce!
Just give me the boat.
You wanted to stay single!
Grace, do not do this!
I’m not doing this.
I’m undoing it.
I’ll be at Debbie’s.
You take care of Sam until I make arrangements.
You can’t leave me.
I am the alpha, lady.
I’m the omega, baby!
OK, fine! I don’t need you.
What’s the matter, Bruce?
She can’t handle a little competition?
The game’s been called
on account of rain.
An unusually high number of lottery winners
have left the officials concerned.
More than 1 ,1 00 winning tickets
have been turned in,
all, strangely, from the Buffalo area.
More on this story as it develops.
Enjoying your party?
Nothing like spending quality time
with good friends, huh?
Grace left me.
Yes. I know.
She’ll take me back.
She’ll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?
How do you make so many love you
without affecting free will?
Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one,
you let me know.
Rise and shine, Buffalo.
It’s and sunny, a perfect day to
forgive Bruce.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, can I get a small coffee to go?
Sure, hon, just a second.
K-TEL records brings you the
greatest love songs of all time.
You’re gonna hear such classics as
All you need is Bruce.
If you can’t be with the one you love,
then love Bruce.
Do that to Bruce one more time.
And who can forget that classic
Bruce so horny. He love you long time.
Order today, and we’ll throw in
at no extra charge the video
Sweating to Bruce.
Just dial - - GIV-HIM!
That’s - - GIV-HIM!
Do it now.
Oh no, no. What’re you doing. Oh Gosh.
Don’t put that in your mouth. Don’t eat that.
Oh, that’s not good. Go to the bathroom.
Please wash up your mouth and your hands.
One more time and you’re gonna be
in a lot of trouble!
All right, that’s it, that’s it!
Hi.
I surrender, I surrender!
Hi...
I’m…
… doing my first anchor night.
Wow! That’s great!
So how have you been doing?
Good.
- Yeah?
Yeah, good. Just…
Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You’re kidding…
But I guess… so did other people.
So she won like… dollars.
I miss you.
OK, I took the first step,
jumped out on a ledge…
… feeling pretty vulnerable too.
I don’t know what you want me to say.
Just say you love me and you want me back.
No, Bruce…
Come on, what about all the signs?
How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?
Would it help if I just said I was
a complete ass?
Hey, you said “ass”!
Yeah, but I was talking about a donkey.
But I didn’t say “hole”. If I said “ass…”…
OK, OK, you know what honey is,
let’s go, let’s go inside.
All right kids, everybody inside!
Time to go inside.
Grace!
Please.
None of this seems right without you.
I gotta go.
Wait!
How do you feel now?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Or are you drunk?
I’m not drunk, I got the power…
Love me. Love me! LOVE ME!
I did.
Yeah, I know. Free will…
More power outages reported today
caused by last week’s meteorite strike.
Officials are desperately trying to repair
several transformers damaged by the
ensuing electrical surge.
The scene nearly turned violent
when hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo residents
protested last week’s lottery results.
And doomsayers are pointing to
last week’s strange celestial events
as signs that prophecy is now being fulfilled
and world as we know it
may be coming to an end.
The world’s gone mad.
Bruce, 30 seconds to air.
There we are.
Your big debut.
How’re you feeling?
You know what? Fine, never better.
The show must go on, right?
What’s that?
The Sabres won the Fraternity Cup .
The Cup?
Was that tonight?
That’s great, isn’t it?
It’s getting really crazy out there.
We’re gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium, OK?
Five seconds to the open.
This is it! You ready?
Born that way!
- Welcome to the Eyewitness News at 6:00.
With Susan Ortega.
Bruce Nolan,
Fred Donahue – sports,
Dallas Coleman - weather.
And now, Buffalo’s number news team.
I am Susan Ortega.
I Am Bruce Nolan, and here’s
what’s making news.
What happened?
We lost power.
The transformer’s down again.
Oh Jesus. It’s that damn meteorite.
It’s OK, we’re back up.
We apologize for the interruption.
And now back to the news.
Bruce.
Thank you, Susan.
- I’m sorry.
We’re going live to HSBC Arena,
where the Buffalo Sabres
have won the Stanley Cup.
- Great.
Fred.
- we Are ready
We’re about to uncork some champagne
because the Sabres
have won their first championship in years..
What the hell...
We’ll be back with the Sabers’ Stanley Cup victory
in just a hot second.
In other news:
What the hell!
Oh, not again! What is it?
The whole neighborhood is down.
No, it’s not.
In other news:
Fighting errupted
in the Gaza Strip today
as Israelis and Palestinians…
Bruce.
WHAT?
We’ve got a situation here.
They’re rioting right outside the station.
You’re joking.
The whole town is going crazy!
Hey, Bruce, say something.
Ladies and gentlemen,
This just in:
possibly the biggest breaking news
story this town has ever seen.
And I gotta go.
Sorry, Jack.
Susan, it’s all yours.
Sabres!
The Sabres rule!
Down with the lottery!
Prepare yourself! The is end is near! Prepare!
Lottery of s***!
Only bucks!
The Channel lie!
Oh no!
God!
God?
Are you here?
Hello!
I need your help!
Palms yes, palms yes.
Clap on!
Clap on!
Figures!
Hello there.
Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
This God business.
They’re all out of control!
This mayhem, I don’t know what to do.
Well, you’re right on time.
7 o’clock.
The seventh at 7:00..
All righty, then.
There we are.
That’s good. GOOD.
It’s a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets
we can always clean it right up.
There were so many. I just gave them all
what they wanted.
Yes.
And since when do they have a clue
about what they want?
So what do you do?
Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce.
It’s a magic trick.
A single mom,
who’s working jobs,
and still finds time
to take her son to practice,
that’s a miracle.
A teenager who says no to drugs
and yes to an education,
that’s a miracle.
People want me to do everything for them
What they don’t realize
is they have the power.
Want to see a miracle, son?
Be a miracle.
Wait. Are you leaving?
Yeah, I think you can handle things now.
What if I need you?
What if I have questions?
That’s your problem, Bruce!
That’s everybody’s problem.
Keep looking out.
Order has been restored in Buffalo,
after this evening’s downtown riot.
The state officials have suspended all,
lottery sales for further investigation.
Thanks a million.
No problem.
God bless.
Bruce giveth, Bruce taketh away.
You don’t like it…
Evan.
Bruce.
I suppose you’re here to gloat
about the anchor position.
Go ahead.
Take your best shot.
Actually…
I just came to tell you that I’ve been
a royal prick.
The anchor position is yours.
I turned down the job.
Well, I never really congratulated you
in the first place.
Congratulations!
Thanks, Bruce.
In the financial world
things are settling back to normal
in what analysts are calling
a fluke market fluctuation.
You did the right move, Jack.
So what about you?
Are you ready to go back out there?
To do the cutesy stuff?
The lighter side of the news?
Lower and debase myself for the
amusement of total strangers?
Yes, I could do that.
It sounds like fun.
Good.
OK, Sammy, let’s do it right.
Follow the other dogs.
I don’t want to make you feel bad,
but they’re laughing at you, pal.
Come on, concentrate.
Come on, do what you have to.
What am I gonna do with you?
I know this seems kinda crazy
but desperate times
call for desperate measures.
OK, Sammy.
Do your thing!
That’s it!
Good boy!
I’m training my dog.
Yes! We did it!
I’ll walk him up for you.
Hi Deb. How are you?
How’s Grace?
I didn’t come to chat, OK, Bruce?
I came for Grace’s stuff.
You need a...
No, it’s OK, I’m fine.
I wonder...
Maybe she wants that.
This is full! You did all this?
You know what I do every night
before I go to bed?
I take my kids and maybe have a scoop
of ice-cream, watch a Conan...
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
Wow, the woman does pray a lot.
Find: Grace and Bruce.
Dear God, please help Bruce.
He seems to be struggling.
Dear God, give Bruce strength.
Dear God, bless Bruce.
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
It’s her!
She is praying now. Right now.
Grace.
Please, God.
I still love him.
But I don’t want to love him anymore.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Please.
Help me forget.
Please help me let him go.
Please, help me let him go.
You win!
I’m done.
Please, I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t want to be God.
I want you to decide what’s right for me.
I surrender to your will!
Am I…?
You can’t kneel down in the middle of a highway
and live to talk about it, son.
But why?
Why now?
Bruce…
You have the divine spark.
You have the gift of being able to bring
joy and laughter to the world.
I know. I created you.
Quit bragging.
You see? That’s what I’m talking about.
That’s the spark!
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Lord, feed the hungry.
And… bring peace to all of mankind.
How’s that?
Great.
If you want to be Miss America.
Now, come on.
What do you really care about?
Grace.
You want her back?
No.
I want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
I want her to find someone
to treat her with all the love
that she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone
who’ll see her always
as I do now
through your eyes.
Now that’s a prayer.
Yeah?
Yeah.
- That’s good.
- That’s good.
That is GOOD!
I’m gonna get right down to it.
Clear!
That didn’t feel very good.
Clear!
Got a rhythm?
I got a pulse.
Let’s get him up.
Let’s get a brace.
Bruce.
Bruce.
Welcome back.
You’re lucky of be alive, son.
Someone up there must like you.
Are you aware they keep that stuff
in a warehouse somewhere?
Grace.
Hi baby.
Oh my God, look at you...
I was such an idiot.
That’s OK.
I don’t know what I would have done.
I sort of wanted to be mad at you
for ever.
Now you’re just showing off.
Here is Bruce Nolan
here at Buffalo’s first annual "Be the miracle"
blood drive.
It’s a B-E-A-UTIFUL day.
So come on down here, because the life you save
could be mine.
Let’s go over here with the Kowalskis,
they cooked a very special cookie
just for this occasion.
Sure it’s a little creepy…
Thank you Momma, Vol, Finger, Nose.
I myself have given blood
twice this week.
For those of you who haven’t heard
I’d like to introduce you to
the future Mrs. Exclusive.Grace Connelly.
Look at her!
Isn’t she beautiful?
She just gave blood
and still has enough left to fill up her face.
Yes, behind every great man
there’s a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
I’m Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News
with all the folks down here at the
blood drive, reminding you to
BE THE MIRACLE!
You heard them.
Ok, cut it! Thank you, Bruce.
Thank you, Ally.
How was that?
That was great!
- Really?
That was really great.
Now you should still go over there,
the nurse is waiting.
Do I have to?
No, it’s not gonna hurt.
In fact, I think you’ll find it
quite pleasurable.
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