Episode 101: Michelle Pfeiffer/transcript

==Cold open==
 	The Muppets sit in the KMUP boardroom, chattering.
Kermit 	Okay. Alright, uh, settle down, everybody. Settle down. I'd like to welcome everyone to our new Muppet television studios.
Muppets 	(murmuring in agreement)
Kermit 	And here's Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs. Take it away, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Thank you very much, Kermit. Let's see here - on Monday we have Murphy Prawn …
Rizzo 	That's my favorite.
Gonzo 	… and The Single Duck in the City With His Apartment Full of Friends …
Muppets 	(murmuring in agreement)
Rizzo 	That one too.
Gonzo 	… and for this evening's show right now, we have TBA, followed by The X-Flies …
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, Gonzo, but "TBA" means "to be announced". Which means — (panics) we don't have a show for tonight!! (frets)
Gonzo 	WHAT?? No show?!? Oh, man, that's terrible!
 	Pause.
Gonzo 	Okay, on Saturday, we have —
Kermit 	Wait. Gonzo, this is serious. We've got to put together a show for tonight, everybody. Are you all with me?
Muppets 	Yeah!
Kermit 	After all, we've been in worse spots before, right?
Muppets 	Right!
Kermit 	But we all pulled together and made it work because we're a team, huh?
Muppets 	Right!
Kermit 	Okay, alright! So who wants to volunteer to host this new show, huh?
 	Everyone runs out of the room. Kermit then notices Clifford on the phone.
Clifford	Aw, baby, I love you, you know that.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, congratulations, Clifford, you've got your own show.
Clifford	(to phone) Hold on, baby. (to Kermit) My OWN SHOW??
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Clifford	I — I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So — so when does it start?
Kermit 	Oh, in about thirty seconds.
 	A beat.
Clifford	(into phone) I'll call you back.
 	He stiffens up and faints.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Michelle Pfeiffer! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Backstage==
 	Clifford comes in and addresses the staff.
Clifford	Okay, everybody. I feel good! I feel good about this! Our brand new show!
Nigel 	Team, we're on air in ten seconds.
Clifford	Let's get out there and show 'em what we can do, huh?
Nigel 	Six seconds.
Clifford	Yo, yo, yo! And remember, no matter what happens, have fun!
Kermit 	Yeah.
Nigel 	(tosses papers) WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR!
 	Chaos ensues.
Kermit 	Uh, everybody, uh, hang in there, everybody. Uh, we're on the air!
 	A shivering Clifford slowly walks through a door.
Kermit 	(knocks) Clifford, Clifford, that's the supply cabinet.
Clifford	I know that. It's a nice supply cabinet too. Nice and quiet. Let's cue the announcer. Shall we?
Kermit 	Uh, ahem, uh, cue the announcer.
Nigel 	GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!
==Opening act==
 	A drumroll plays as Rizzo and two stagehands wheel the supply closet out on stage. The stagehands quickly exit.
A. Ligator	And now it's time for Muppets Tonight! And here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Rizzo 	You're on, Clifford!
 	Clifford emerges from the supply closet. Applause.
Clifford 	Hey, what's up, what's up? Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Clifford, your homie made of foamy. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that's going to change the face of television and make it look a little something like this.
 	An Extreme pops up and laughs maniacally, gives Clifford a kiss and exits.
Clifford 	Any hue, to start things off, our first act is … yo, Rizzo, what's our first act?
Rizzo 	Uh, well, I hate to tell you this, chief, but uh, we don't have an opening act. As a matter of fact, we don't have a middle act and a closing act either.
Clifford 	Aw, man, what are we gonna do?
Gonzo 	Clifford! Your problems are solved! I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off!
Clifford 	Well, put 'em on, man!
Gonzo 	(looks down) Your socks?
Clifford 	No, the act. The act.
Gonzo 	Oh, oh, oh, yes, okay. Ahem. Muppets Tonight is proud to present Francois Fromage and his dancing cheeses!
 	A chorus line of cheeses makes their way past them, take center stage, and start dancing.
Gonzo 	Give it up! Give it up! Go, go, go, go!
Clifford 	This better be gouda.
 	Gonzo and Rizzo give him a blank stare.
Clifford 	What, too cheesy?
Cheeses 	
♪ We are the dancing cheeses and we hope our number pleases
♪ So sit back, relax, and just enjoy the show!
♪ We don't know much geography, but boy, our choreography
♪ Will make you sing and shout and tap your toes!
(And here we go!) (Yeah!)
 	They do a tap solo. Meanwhile, Gonzo directs the cameraman.
Gonzo 	Get a closeup! Get a closeup! (laughs) … Yeah!
 	Clifford and Rizzo go backstage.
==Backstage==
Clifford 	This cheese ain't cuttin' it, Rizzo.
Rizzo 	No.
Clifford 	What we need is a celebrity. A big name guest star.
Rizzo 	Hey, what about Ike from the loading dock?
Clifford 	Naw, man, I mean somebody bigger.
Rizzo 	What about Ike's wife? She's huge. (laughs)
 	They approach a monitor.
Clifford 	(gasp!) What's going on with the dancing cheese?
 	On stage, the cheeses start melting.
Rizzo 	They melted, maybe.
Cheese 	Of course they melted! They're cheeses! It's the lights! The lights … (sobs)
Clifford 	Aw, this is bad news! We are waist-deep in the big funky. The only thing that's gonna save us now, Rizzo, is if a world-famous superstar walks through that door.
 	The door behind him swings open, knocking him over.
Rizzo 	Or that door. — It's Miss Piggy!
 	Applause.
Miss Piggy 	(laughs) Thank you! Oh, thank you! Thank you! (bows) Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
 	A stagehand wheels a tape machine behind her.
Stagehand (DG) 	Is that enough applause, Miss Piggy, or do you want me to boost it?
 	She slams the door and laughs sheepishly.
Miss Piggy 	I have never seen that man before in my life.
Clifford 	Miss Piggy! What are you doing here?
Miss Piggy 	Well, rumor has it that you are looking for a guest star for tonight's show…
Rizzo 	Uh-huh …
Miss Piggy 	… and it just so happens that I know someone who is beautiful, witty, and charming.
Clifford 	Can you get her here in ten minutes?
Miss Piggy 	It's me, you idiot!
Clifford 	Well — you're really gonna do our show? Well, that's great! But I thought you were busy doing informercials.
Miss Piggy 	Infomercials? (laughs) 'Tis to laugh. Moi am a star. I do not stoop so low as to do infomercials.
 	The stagehand turns on the TV set.
Stagehand (DG) 	Hey, Miss Piggy, they're running one of those infomercials you don't do — WHOAA!
 	She injures him.
Miss Piggy 	(laughs, looks at the TV) Uh-oh …
 	In the infomercial, Piggy sits in a barber chair in front of a curtain.
Miss Piggy (on TV)	And remember, not only do my Big Wig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement, as vous can plainly see, but, they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Do it, Fred!
 	A pot drops on her head. Two gloved hands hold the pot as the chair spins around.
Miss Piggy (on TV)	(muffled) Look! The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself!
 	She glances at Clifford.
Miss Piggy 	Don't laugh. It paid for the beach house.
 	Rizzo laughs and walks away.
Clifford 	So that means you're going to be our guest star?
Miss Piggy 	Mmm, under one condiçion.
Clifford 	Name it.
Miss Piggy 	You give my two nephews, Andy and Randy, a job on the show.
Clifford 	Well, sure, Piggy. Uh, where are the little cocktail wieners?
Miss Piggy 	Hah!
 	They spot the two pigs playing tag in the hallway.
Randy 	You! You're it!
Andy 	No, you're it!
Randy 	You're it!
Andy 	No, you're it!
Miss Piggy 	Andy? Randy?
Randy 	You're it! I can't hear —
Miss Piggy 	KNOCK IT OFF!! A-heh-heh … come inside and meet your new employer. A-heh-heh.
Andy & Randy 	(they go inside) Okay.
Miss Piggy 	Bye-bye, boys.
Randy 	Goodbye, Auntie.
Andy 	Where are you going, Aunt Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	I'm going to my dressing room … (shuts the door)
Randy 	(nods) Ohhh.
Miss Piggy 	YES!! (runs off)
Clifford 	So which one of you fellas are Andy and which one's Randy?
Andy & Randy 	Uh … this job is too hard!!
Clifford 	Man. You cats are stupid.
Andy 	Oh yeah? Well, you are the stupid one because we are not even cats.
Randy 	Yes. We're um, uh … dogs.
Andy 	(points elsewhere) Look! A fire hydrant!
 	They run away.
Clifford 	Something tells me I'm gonna regret hiring these two.
==Bay of Pigswatch==
 	The opening title sequence plays. A. Ligator reads the title cards.
A. Ligator 	Bay of Pigswatch. Starring David Hoggselhoff as Champ Schwimmer. Miss Piggy as herself. Introducing Spamela Hamderson as Spamela. And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Shell.
 	Champ, Andy and Randy stand at their post.
Andy 	Hey Champ, sing that Hawaiian song.
Randy 	Yeah.
Champ 	Why, sure, fellas. You — you mean the one that goes something like this?
Randy 	Like what?
 	He plays the ukulele and sings.
Champ 	♪ I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii …
Andy & Randy	♪ Shoo be doo wah …
Champ 	♪ Where the humuhumunukunukuāpua'a …
 	They notice Spamela.
Spamela 	Excuse me. Do any of you boys know where I can find Champ Schwimmer?
 	Champ strikes a pose. She opens her towel, revealing her bikini.
Spamela 	I'm his new assistant … lifeguard.
 	The other pigs' jaws drop.
Champ 	(stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
Spamela 	What's he saying?
Andy 	We do not know.
Randy 	Yeah, it's Hawaiian talk.
Champ 	(stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
Spamela 	I need to ask him if this is the proper lifeguard outfit for my new job!
Andy & Randy	(nodding) Yes! Yes!
 	Champ starts panting, then faints.
 	Meanwhile, Miss Piggy backstrokes in the ocean, singing. She sees the fin of a shark.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh! Oh! Shark! Help! Shark!
Shark 	Aaah! Pig! Pig!
Miss Piggy 	Very funny.
 	They both scream and swim away from each other. Switch back to the shore.
Spamela 	(stands up, exhales) Are you sure that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is what you need?
Champ 	(stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
 	He pulls her down again. Andy and Randy giggle. They suddenly hear Piggy's cries and stand up.
Spamela 	Hey, look! That baby humpback is being chased by sharks! Shouldn't we help it?
Champ 	No, Spamela. Let's just let nature take its course and — we'll concentrate on that mouth-to-mouth thing, shall we?
 	He drops down. Andy and Randy giggle.
Spamela 	Okay!
 	She resumes breathing into his mouth. Piggy runs to the post, screaming.
Miss Piggy 	SCHWIMMER!! Swchimmer - you jerk! You've got the nerve to make out with some beach bimbo, while I was almost eaten alive by a shark! (sigh)
Champ 	Yeah. Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy 	WHY I OUGHTA …
 	She chases Champ away and attacks him off-screen.
Spamela 	I didn't know whales could run.
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
 	Champ goes sailing past them.
Andy 	I didn't know pigs could fly.
 	Piggy runs towards Champ and resumes attacking him.
==Nursing home==
 	Statler and Waldorf sit in a nursing home, watching TV.
Waldorf	Nurse! There's something wrong with this TV.
Statler	What's that?
Waldorf	It's on!
 	They chuckle. The nurse leaves.
==Backstage==
 	Rizzo follows Clifford.
Rizzo 	Well, chief, it looks like everything is under control.
Clifford 	Man, that Miss Piggy may be a ham, but no matter how you slice it, she really brings home the bacon!
Rizzo 	Hey, hey, hey, don't use up all the pig metaphors. This is only our first show.
Clifford 	Hmm. (nods)
Kermit 	Uh, Clifford, Clifford, there you are.
Clifford 	Uh, what's up, Kerm?
Kermit 	Yeah, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Miss Michelle Pfeiffer.
 	She enters.
Rizzo 	Oh, wow.
Michelle 	Hi, Clifford.
Clifford 	Heyyyyy!
Kermit 	Miss Pfeiffer has graciously agreed to be our guest star.
Clifford 	Oh, man, that is great. And excuse me for saying so, Miss Pfeiffer, but you are drop dead gorgeous!
Michelle 	(chuckles) I'm not …
 	A stagehand approaches Clifford.
Stagehand (FO)	Hey, boss, boss, I gotta ask you — (gasp) Michelle Pfeiffer! (faints)
Clifford 	See what I told you?
Michelle 	Oh, that's sweet. But you know, everybody always thinks of me as some glamorous movie star, and really, I — I'm just this simple, wholesome girl next door.
Clifford 	Boy. I'm living in the wrong neighborhood.
Rizzo 	Uh, Clifford, could I just remind you of something —
Clifford 	Uh, not — not — not now, uh, Rizz.
Rizzo 	Yeah, but it's really important —
Clifford 	I said not now, man.
Rizzo 	(sigh)
Clifford 	Uh, Michelle, why don't you go on down to our special guest star dressing room, and I'll get your script.
Michelle 	Thanks, Clifford, and thanks for calling me, Kermie. This is gonna be so much fun!
 	She slaps Kermit on the back and walks to her dressing room.
Kermit 	Aww. OOP! Oh. Yeah, fun.
Clifford 	(shakes head) Mm. Man. She sure is … wholesome.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Clifford 	Uh, now — now Rizzo, uh, what was so important?
Rizzo 	Well, it's just that, five minutes ago, you asked Miss Piggy to guest star on the show.
Kermit 	Oh, wait a second — you mean we asked Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy to guest star on the same show?
Clifford 	Yeah, I think — maybe we did.
Kermit 	Race you to the supply cabinet.
 	All three skedaddle away.
Rizzo 	Oh, boy.
==At the Bar==
 	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster 	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on, ba — Oh! Hi there, Mr. Callahan. How ya doin'? Your usual drink, huh? No? Oh, you want something different today. Okay! How about a thing I call, a caliente surprise. Heh heh heh heh.
 	He hands Mr. C a drink with a jalapeño pepper. Mr. C takes a sip.
Polly Lobster 	Oh, and I hope you like it spicy, because this thing could get just a little …
 	Mr. C breathes fire.
Polly Lobster 	… hot. Uh, don't worry, Mr. C! Those eyebrows'll grow back. (chuckles) Uh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back, I'll call him out. CLUELESS!
 	Clueless enters to applause.
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly, what is it? (notices the applause) Ooh! Oh. (chuckles) Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. Ooh. That's a lovely dress you're wearing.
 	Mr. Callahan makes a flattery gesture.
Polly Lobster 	Say, Clueless, I hear you've been having some problems.
Clueless Morgan	Oh, yeah, it's my wife's sister. She's eaten me out of house and home.
Polly Lobster 	(laughs) Ate all the groceries, huh?
Clueless Morgan	No, no, she ate the house, which of course is my home.
Polly Lobster 	(bursts out laughing) Why didn't you kick her out?
Clueless Morgan	Well, I can't. She — she watches the kids. She's a nanny goat.
Polly Lobster 	(bursts out laughing) Nanny goat!
Clueless Morgan	What?
Polly Lobster 	Oh, Clueless, you killed me! (laughs)
Clueless Morgan	Oh, I'm sorry.
Polly Lobster 	(stops laughing) … Just sing!
Clueless Morgan	All right. Paul?
 	Piano music begins playing. Clueless sings "Camptown Races", until fruits and vegetables are thrown at him.
Polly Lobster 	Looks like you picked the wrong song there, Clueless! (laughs)
 	Polly gets knocked down with a cabbage.
Clueless Morgan	Oh! Good shot, Mr. Callahan.
 	Mr. C hits Clueless with a pineapple. Clueless faints.
==Muppet Match-Up==
 	Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford 	Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Let's say hi to our beautiful guest star, Miss Michelle Pfeiffer!
 	She comes out to a fanfare, wearing a gold sequined dress. Applause.
Clifford 	Give it up! The woman's looking good! (laughs)
Michelle 	Thank you, Clifford. I've always wanted to work with the Muppets.
Clifford 	But Michelle, this isn't the first time you've worked with us.
Michelle 	It is! I never — oh, wait —
Clifford 	(laughs)
Michelle 	No, no, you're not gonna show that old thing, when I —
 	She buries her face. A monitor is lowered.
Clifford 	Oh, yes we are. Ladies and gentlemen, come with us now as we look at Michelle Pfeiffer and the Muppets from 1975! The show, right there…
 	A clip plays on the monitor. It's a 1970s style dating game show, with Michelle and host Kermit one one side of a wall, and three bachelors — Bunsen, Beaker and Animal — on the other side.
Kermit 	Thank you, and welcome to Muppet Match-Up. Let's get right to it, shall we, and meet our groovy bachelorette. A young lady who likes growing organic food, hosting fondue parties, and dreams of someday being one of Charlie's Angels, Miss Michelle Pfeiffermenowitz!
 	Applause. She waves.
Kermit 	Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you ready to get down with a game?
Michelle 	That would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie with our bad selves. Uh, Bachelor #1, I love a man with a good sense of humor. What's your idea of a fun date?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, Michelle, first I would take you to my lab, where we'd scrape up some epidermis and examine the skin cells — from our bippies! (giggles)
Michelle 	Freaky. Ummmm, Bachelor #2, same question.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Michelle 	That's not funny. That's sick.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, uh — did I mention that, we could manipulate time … with our bippies? (giggles)
Michelle 	(giggles) Bachelor #1, you're funnier than the sweat hogs. Um … Bachelor #3, same question.
Animal 	Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
 	He breaks through the wall and gets to Michelle.
Animal 	Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! MICHELLE!!!
 	She runs away screaming. Animal chases after her as the theme music plays.
Animal 	Michelle! Michelle! (glances at camera) WOMAN!! (resumes chasing) Michelle! Michelle! …
Kermit 	Wow, this is one trippy scene, man. My mood ring has gone all mellow yellow.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Hmm. So has my bippy.
 	Back in the present, the monitor turns off and is raised. Michelle facepalms. Applause.
Clifford 	(chuckles) Yeah. Yeah. She even looked good back then. Heh. So, so Michelle, uh, who'd you end up datin'?
Michelle 	Uh, Bachelor #3, but I haven't seen him in years. I wonder if he's changed.
Animal 	Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! (chases after her) AAAAHHH! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
 	Nigel panics in the control room.
Nigel 	Who let Animal out of the cage? Quick quick quick quick! Cue something! Uh, the Koozebanian dance number! Three, two, one, cue.
 	The operator switches the video.
Nigel 	Can I offer anybody some more schnitzel?
Animal 	(pops up) Schnitzel! Schnitzel! Schnitzel! HAHHHH!
==Backstage==
Clifford	Yo, Rizzo, come here, come here, come here.
Rizzo 	Yeah? Yeah, yeah?
Clifford	Uh, where's Miss Piggy?
Rizzo 	Uh, she's in makeup.
Clifford	Oh, good, good. Where's Michelle?
Rizzo 	She's in wardrobe.
Clifford	Good, good. What's on stage?
Rizzo 	(into his earpiece) Nigel, what's on stage? (notices the monitor) Ooh, the Koozebanian dance number. And then we've got the Elvises coming up next.
Clifford	Oh, that's a happenin' thing. Uh, right now, you and I have to keep Michelle and Miss Piggy apart.
Rizzo 	Gotcha.
Clifford	I'll take Michelle, you take the pig.
Rizzo 	Ohh, no, no, no. I will take Michelle.
Clifford	Flip you for it.
 	He picks Rizzo up and flips him.
Rizzo 	Call it! Whoa —
Clifford	Tails. You lose. (walks off chuckling)
Rizzo 	(gets up) Rats!
==Great Moments in Elvis History==
 	Open on the Continental Congress as classical music plays.
A. Ligator 	And now, once again, it's time for Great Moments in Elvis History. Tonight, the Declaration of Independence.
Elvis (BB) 	Say there, George Washington.
Elvis (BH) 	What's up, there, Thomas Jefferson?
Elvis (BB) 	Well, I was just wonderin' if you had any more of that there … cherry pie left.
Elvis (BH) 	I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thing.
Elvis (BB) 	Whoaaa, mercy.
 	A third Elvis enters with an assistant.
Assistant 	Mr. Hancock, are you ready to sign the Declaration of Independence?
Elvis (JN) 	You're dang right I am.
Assistant 	Excellent. It will break all ties with the king.
Elvis (BB) 	Now, wait just one Memphis minute! I am the king.
Elvis (BH) 	Hey now, looky here, Thomas Jefferson. You know that I'm the king.
Elvis (BB) 	Ohh no, I'm the king.
Elvis (BH) 	No, I'm the king.
Elvis (JN) 	Hold on a minute, boys, eh, I'm the king.
Elvis (BB) 	Ohh, don't make me use my karate on you.
 	They all prepare to attack. Ben Franklin enters with a burned, smoking kite.
Ben Franklin	(coughing) Gentlemen, great news!
Elvis (BB) 	What's that, Ben Franklin?
Ben Franklin	I have just discovered electricity! (laughs)
Elvis (BH) 	Rockin' good news!
Elvis (JN) 	Now we can play these here electric guitars.
Elvises 	Mercy!
 	They all burst into song.
Elvis (BH) 	♪ One if by land!
Elvis (JN) 	♪ Two if by sea!
Elvis (BB) 	♪ Let's all rock for democracy!
Elvises 	
♪ Now don't you, don't you tread on me! (Oh yeah!)
♪ You gosh darn redcoats, don't you tread on me!
Yeah …
 	The song concludes.
Elvises 	(random) Thank y' ver' much…
A. Ligator 	Join us for another great moment in Elvis history. Next week: Elvis of Arabia.
 	A clip is shown of one Elvis in the desert.
Elvis (BB) 	Dang, it's hot out here.
==Swift Wits==
Snookie 	Hey! Hello again, welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV! I'm your host, Snookie Blyer. And here's our contestant, Philo Zilfinger.
Philo 	Hi, Snookie. I just wanted to say —
Snookie 	Oh, no time for that, Philo! Today you're going to be playing for Sterling, an adorable purebred poodle!
 	A window opens to reveal the poodle.
Philo 	Oh! Look at that. Awww.
Snookie 	Okay, now let's play our game. If Philo answers correctly, Sterling will receive a lifetime supply of dog shampoo from Luigi's Poodle Palace.
Philo 	Oh, that's nice.
Snookie 	But, in the unlikely event that Philo can't answer our question, Sterling will be eaten alive by Carl the Big Mean Bunny!
 	Another window opens to reveal Carl with bunny ears.
Carl 	Hi!
Philo 	(gasp)
Snookie 	Okay! Let's tell our home audience the answer.
Announcer	The answer is "ham".
Snookie 	Okay, Philo! You've got ten seconds to answer. Here come the clues. This is a big pink thing that you always find in the refrigerator.
Philo 	My ex-wife.
Snookie 	No! It's a huge hunk of meat.
Philo 	My ex-wife.
Snookie 	(facepalms) No no no no! Uh, pig, pig, pig!
Philo 	Still sounds like my ex-wife.
 	The buzzer sounds and the "frown" face lights up.
Snookie 	D'ohh! Too bad. The correct answer is "ham".
Carl 	Thank you!
 	He devours the poodle. The window shuts.
Snookie 	Ha ha! Goodbye, everybody! Thanks for playing. (pulls imaginary trigger, laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Piggy comes out of the dressing room, singing.
Miss Piggy	♪ Do, a deer, a female deer, Fa, a lo— no, Re …
Michelle 	Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy	Yes?
Michelle 	I … I just wanted to say, I'm … I'm a big fan of yours.
Miss Piggy	Ahaha - of course you are, dear. Where would you like me to sign?
Michelle 	Oh, no, no - I'm not here for your autograph. (giggles)
Miss Piggy	Look - if this is about the hair extensions, I am not responsible for what they did to your hair or your pots.
Michelle 	No, no, no — I'm — I'm Michelle Pfeiffer.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) OH! OHHH! AH! Of course! Barney Pfeiffer's wife. You must be here to see moi's grand return to television.
Michelle 	Actually, I'm — I'm — I'm the guest star on the show tonight.
Miss Piggy	WHAT??
Michelle 	Yeah, I'm playing Maria von Trapp in the big musical number. See?
 	She opens her robe to reveal her outfit.
Rizzo 	Michelle's taking her robe off!!
 	A bunch of male Muppets gather in excitement.
Miss Piggy	Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait! That's impossible. I'm the guest star, and I'm playing Maria von Trapp!
Rizzo 	Miss Piggy's taking HER robe off!!
 	He and the male Muppets scatter. Piggy reveals a country-western outfit.
Miss Piggy	Hey, wait a minute.
 	She turns away, switches to her von Trapp dress and turns back around.
Miss Piggy	Ah, better. Haha. (laughs) There! Now, back off, sister! I am the guest star!
Michelle 	You can't play Maria von Trapp. You're a pig.
Miss Piggy	I KNOW I'M A PIG! You — you, you, you jezebel!
Michelle 	Now, Miss Piggy, let's not resort to name calling, please.
Miss Piggy	Too late, too late! Jezebel. Jezebel! Jezebel, jezebel, jezebel!
Clifford 	(sigh) I'll take care of this, Rizzo. I know exactly how to handle the ladies. (walks over to them)
Miss Piggy	♪ Jezebel, jezebel, jezebel!
Clifford 	Girls, girls, girls — there seems to be some misunderstanding here.
Miss Piggy	"Girls"?? (to Michelle) Stand back. (karate-chops Clifford) Hi-YAH!
 	Clifford goes sailing past Kermit in the control room.
Kermit 	Uh, Clifford, did you get a chance to talk to Miss Piggy?
 	Two stagehands open and close the stage door in time for Clifford to fly through the doorway.
Kermit 	I guess he did.
 	Clifford lands against a brick wall onstage.
Clifford 	(dazed) Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number from The Sound of Music — number. I hope you enjoy it.
Rizzo 	This way, chief, right back here. (leads Clifford away) Yeah. Careful.
Clifford 	(dazed) Thanks, Ma. Do I have to go to school today?
Rizzo 	Oh, brother.
==Closing number==
 	In the von Trapp mansion, Andy, Randy, Lew Zealand and an unnamed boy gather by the staircase and see Michelle come down.
Muppets 	Maria! Maria? …
Andy 	Oh! There she is!
Lew Zealand 	There she is!
Michelle 	All right, children.
♪ Let's start at the very beginning,
♪ A very good place to start.
♪ When you spell, you begin with …
Andy 	Gee, I didn't know there'd be a test.
Michelle 	
♪ A-B-C, when you sing, you begin with do-re-mi …
Muppets 	Oh! Oh, yeah.
Michelle 	♪ Do, a deer, a female deer …
Muppets 	Yes!
Michelle 	♪ Re, a drop of golden sun …
 	Piggy comes down the opposite staircase.
Miss Piggy 	AND! —
♪ Me, a name I call myself,
♪ Fa, a long long way to run.
 	The four gather around Piggy.
Andy & Randy	Hi, Aunt Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, no no! Children, I am not Aunt Piggy, I am Maria.
Michelle 	No, no, children, I am Maria.
Muppets 	Oh!
 	The four gather around Michelle.
Michelle 	Children, children, come here - I'd like to sing you a song. (glances at Piggy) In key.
Miss Piggy 	(waves her fist) Why, I oughta …
Michelle 	♪ Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens …
Miss Piggy 	Uh, children, children! I have some candy for you. Come here!
 	The four run to Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	♪ Doorbells and sleigh bells and warm woolen mittens.
Andy 	Hey, when do we get our candy?
Miss Piggy 	Shut up. ♪ Brown paper packages tied up with string…
Michelle 	(holding a tray) Here, kids — look look look — I baked you some cookies!
 	The four run to Michelle and start pigging out.
Michelle 	♪ These are a few of my favorite things.
 	Piggy wheels out a hot, smoking oven.
Miss Piggy 	Okay, kids, over here — children — I have some cookies for you, children! Over here! Aunt Piggy has cookies — uh …
 	She notices the cookies are all burnt.
Randy 	Oh, yuck!
Miss Piggy 	All right! So I'm not Martha Stewart!
♪ When the dog bites — Sic 'er, Foo-Foo!
 	Foo-Foo runs towards Michelle, barking.
Michelle 	Sic 'er, Animal.
 	Animal hugs Michelle instead.
Animal 	Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
Michelle 	Not me! The dog!
Animal 	(chasing after Foo-Foo) Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Dinner! (gnaws on Foo-Foo)
 	Kermit and Clifford watch from the wings.
Clifford 	Yo, Kerm, I was worried at first, but I think things are going pretty well.
Kermit 	Yeah.
 	Foo-Foo sails through the air and lands on the railing right next to them. Piggy rushes over
Clifford 	Oh! Oh …
Miss Piggy 	Foo-Foo! Foo-Foo, my little doggy! ... I've had it with that Pfeiffer! I'll show that tiny-tushed t' — t' — (turns to them) quick, give me a T word.
Kermit 	Uh, "teapot".
Clifford 	"Turtle".
Miss Piggy 	"Turtle." Good. I'll show you, you tiny-tushed turtle! (runs back)
Michelle 	♪ I simply remember my favorite things …
 	Piggy wheels down a cannon with a lit fuse.
Michelle 	(with Piggy) ♪ And then I don't feel … so bad!
 	The four make a run for it. The cannonball sails past Michelle. Switch back to the nursing home.
Statler 	I told you this show was a bomb!
 	The cannonball hits the patient next to them.
Statler 	What was that?
Waldorf 	I think her medication just kicked in!
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Nurse! I'll have some of that!
 	They chuckle.
==Goodnights==
 	Clifford comes onstage, chuckling.
Clifford 	Well, that's all the time we have. Thank goodness. Let's thank our guests, Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy! Yeah!
 	Applause as the two come out, somewhat dazed.
Clifford 	Well, I hope you lovely ladies have made up.
Miss Piggy	Oh, we have. And I realized that this was not Michelle's fault.
Michelle 	And I know it's not Piggy's fault.
Clifford 	Yep, yep.
 	They both face Clifford.
Miss Piggy	We both realized it was … (with Michelle) your fault! Hi-YAH!
 	They swat him offstage.
Kermit 	Uh, don't — don't worry, Clifford, it'll all go smoother next week. Uh, thank you, Piggy, thank you, Michelle, and thank you, everybody! YAAAAYY!
 	The other Muppets gather around them and wave goodbye.
==Epilogue==
 	Backstage, a stuffed Rizzo relaxes.
Clifford	Oh, yo, yo, Rizzo?
Rizzo 	Hmm?
Clifford	Where's the dancing cheeses? I'd like to thank them for all the work they did.
Rizzo 	Let me do that for you. (pats his tummy) Thank you, dancing cheeses, for all your hard work. (laughs)
Clifford	Aw, man, you ate the cheeses?
Rizzo 	Of course I ate the cheeses! I'm a rat, they're cheese. It's the circle of life. (laughs, sighs)
 	The credits roll.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts