The Eye of Argon Chapter 3.5

NO NO NO PLEASE I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE EYE OF ARGON! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! IT SUCKS SO MUCH!
Waaaaahhhh, please... noooooo... FUCK YOU ALL!
A tightly rung elliptical circle or torches cast their wavering shafts prancing morbidly over the smooth surface of a rectangular, ridged alter.
Tightly.... rung? Is the "elliptical circle" made out of bells?
A circle OR torches. Make up your mind!
How does one "prance morbidly"? Isn't like a little like "moping merrily"? Or "dragging joyously"?
Not an altar, an ALTER.
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Expertly chisled forms of grotesque gargoyles
Well, it's nice to know that they didn't cheap out on the interior decor. They only got the best in grotesque gargoyles.
graced the oblique rim protruberating the length of the grim orifice of death,
... wow. I have no words. Wait, yes I do! Wait, so the rim is at an angle other than ninety degrees... and there's a grim... deathly... opening of some kind. Wait, a minute ago we were talking about an "alter," and now we're talking about a hole?
staring forever ahead into nothingness in complete ignorance of the bloody rites enacted in their prescence.
I haven't encountered a lot of gargoyles who were, y'know, aware of anything happening around them, bloody or otherwise.
Because they're sculptures.
Made out of rock.
With a few exceptions.
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Brown flaking stains decorated the golden surface of the ridge surrounding the alter,
If it's a stain, does it count as decoration? Also, are these stains only on the ridge, or do they decorate other parts of the "alter"? And what's an "alter"?
which banked to a small slit at the lower right hand corner of the altar.
I love how Theis has apparently come out with an intricate and carefully thought-out design for a FUCKING ALTAR (or rather, a FUCKING ALTER)! I mean, chances are we're never gonna see this "alter" again, so who cares how it's designed?!
The slit stood above a crudely pounded pail which had several silver meshed chalices hanging at its sides.
"After all, it's necessary for the depraved priests of evil to keep hydrated!"
How come you have a "crude pail" holding a bunch of beautiful chalices?
For that matter, what good are chalices that are made of "mesh"? Or do the cups interlock? Either way, makes no sense.
Dangling at the rimof golden mallet, 
Ah, the famed golden mallet from Rimof. Since mallets don't have rims.
the handle of which was engraved with images of twisted faces
Because we aspire to create a cheerful working environment!
and groved at its far end
So its far end has fruit trees?
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with slots designed for a snug hand grip.
I am so glad that the Bloody Golden Mallet Of Pain and Evil is so well-constructed and user-friendly!
The head of the mallet was slightly larger than a clenched fist and shaped into a smooth oval mass.
Let's start taking bets on how long it will be before we see this particular item, which a whole paragraph has been wasted on, ever again.
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...
...
crickets chirp
That's what I thought.
Encircling the marble altar was a congregation of leering shamen.
So they're clinging to the sides of the "alter"? Sounds uncomfortable.
Amazingly, "congregation" is used correctly... although usually it refers to the regular people instead of the religious leaders.
"Shamen" is not the plural of "shaman."
Eerie chants of a bygone age, originating unknown eons before the memory of man
They caused madness in all but the hardiest of souls!
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were being uttered from the buried recesses of the acolytes' deep lings.
I only took one biology class, so I may be a little sketchy on what part of the body the lings are.
Orange paint was smeared in generous globules over the tops of thw Priests' wrinkled shaven scalps,
"Crap! It's dripping all over my ornate robes of evil! Gaahhh, it just got in my eyes! Get me a paper towel, dammit!"
while golden rings projected from the lobes of their pink ears.
So their earrings are jutting out of their ears?
And ears are generally pink in Caucasians. Pinkish anyway.
Ornate robes of lusciour purple satin
Nice to know that the Lusciour store is still selling lots of ornate robes! They need the business!
enclosed their bulging torsos,
Well, thank God they're clothed so we don't see the ultimate horrors.
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attached around their waists with silvered silk lashes latched with ebony buckles in the shape of morose mis-shaped skulls.
... since when are robes attached... anywhere?
So... they have eyelashes with ebony buckles?
I am so glad that Theis told us that the mis-shaped (not misshapen?) skulls are "morose." Otherwise, I might have assumed that they were HAPPY AND SMILING AND CHEERY...
And DEAR LORD the descriptions of their clothes are still not OVER.
Dangling around their necks were oval fashoned medalions held by thin gold chains,
And each one is emblazoned with the image of Mick Jagger's lips'n'tongue.
featuring in their centers blood red rubys which resembled crimson fetish eyeballs. 
So every one of these "medallons" has a woman named Ruby on it? And each woman is blood red?
Oh wait, they mean "rubies."
Crimson... fetish eyeballs? That's a fetish I don't wanna contemplate.
Cushoning their bare feet
So... if you wear footwear on your bare feet, how are your feet bare?
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were plush red felt slippers with pointed golden spikes projecting from their tips.
... why? People usually wear plush felt slippers because they're cozy and comfy so your footies won't ache while you gruesomely sacrifice nubile women on a bloodstained gold "alter." Why would you put METAL TIPS on your plushy comfy slippers?
You know, I am at least halfway through the half-chapter, and... all I know is the appearance of the "alter" and what the "shamen" are wearing. I don't even know where we are! We could be in the bathroom for all we know! Are we going to hear about the beautiful marble toilet and pedestal sink next? Are we going to get loving descriptions of the melting soap and the gently curving toothbrushes next? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail
Thank you, this will help me when I draw a complete map of this unidentified room. Lessee, is that adjacent at the RIGHT or LEFT side?
was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety.
Look, another bust! Except this one is "misshaped" instead of protruding. I wonder if Greg will caress it!
The "shamens"? Even if that word were correct, it would make no sense - I mean, that's like saying that evil trinkets are from Dark Lordses!
Uh... pagan in relation to whom? Usually pagan means one of two things: it means a non-Christian religion but barbarian sword-and-sorcery stories don't usually involve Christianity, or else it means a religion that is different from yours. But... this is a third-person narrative with no characters thus far except the priests... who... presumably worship this idol! None of this makes any sense! Who is calling this idol a pagan idol?!
The shimmering green idol was placed in a sitting posture
WAITAFRIGGINGSECOND! We were told that it was a BUST a minute ago! Busts don't have legs! They only extend as far as the upper chest! What is doing the sitting?!
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on an ornately carved golden throne raised upon a round, dvory plated dias;
What would you do on a golden throne OTHER than sit on it?
What is dvory?
Assuming that dvory is actually "ivory," how does one PLATE something with bone? You plate things with METAL!
A dvory-plated Portuguese person?!
it bulging arms and webbed hands
... it bulging? It webbed? Me Tarzan, you Gollum!
resting on the padded arms of the seat.
... where arms and hands usually go. I needed to have that confirmed, though.
Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coils
... of WHAT?
hanging over its oblong ears, which tappered off to thin hollow points.
... wait wait wait, an oblong means that it's an elongated shape. But in oblongs, THERE ARE NO POINTS! At best, you have corners!
Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils.
It was then that the narrator realized that it was an idol of Lindsay Lohan.
What are "tow" nostrils? Does it have very pale blonde nose hairs?
Also, how can the nostrils gape and the nose bulge if it's sunken in at all sides?
Dramatic beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth,
This may technically be a sentence, but it's a damn weird one. Just try to say it: "Dramatic... beneath the nostrils... was a MOUTH."
Doesn't the mouth usually go under nostrils?
He has the mouth of a Scooby-Doo character?!
Okay, seriously, how do you have a "shaggy-lipped mouth"? His LIPS are covered with thick hair?
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giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
Well, as long as the evil grotesque idol doesn't have a cheery happy grin. That would just be SILLY. Haha!
And I think the word is "slavering," not "slovering."
And after spending the ENTIRE chapter thus far on the interior decor of an unidentified room with an unknown purpose and the clothing of the evil priests, we FINALLY find out why everybody is there: to choose wallpaper samples for the Evil Torture Chamber Of Bloody Gruesome Evil Torture.
No, I jest: it's actually because of a hot naked chick who is presumably a prostitute because... she has a vagina. What else would she be?
At the foot of the heathen diety
I have the feeling this was proofread by Laurell K. Hamilton. She also worships Diety, patron god of not eating enough.
a slender, pale faced female
The question is, does she have an opaque nose? Or flowering hair? How about protruding busts?
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naked but for a golden, jeweled harness enshrouding her huge outcropping breasts,
Now I'm imagining stony breasts protruding above the soil line. Sort of like boob implants, Twilight style.
supporting long silver laces which extended to her thigh,
Okay.... so according to this sentence, the female's breasts are supporting long silver thigh-length laces...or else the harness is. Honestly, who the hell can tell?
And no, I'm not sure what these silver laces are for.
stood before the pearl white field
... what pearl white field? Wait, is all this happening in a field? Is that where we are?
with noticable shivers traveling up and down the length of her exquisitely molded body.
"My toes are shuddering! My eyes are shivering!"
Her delicate lips trembled beneath soft narrow hands as she attemped to conceal herself from the piercing stare of the ambivalent idol.
Yes, at least her mouth is concealed from the evil idol. Her tits are hanging out and so are is her crotch, but at least she's concealing her MOUTH. Or... is he talking about a different set of lips?
Also, let's recall what's going on here. There are a bunch of Evil Priests Of Vague Religious Evil hanging around... but it's the STATUE that makes her all modest. Did Theis ever actually meet a woman?!
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Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety.
Uhhhhh... we were already told that it was looking at her. And really, it's just mean to call the diety "bloated" - it's just water weight!
Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald
A jewel covered in faucets? Where's the one covered in drain plugs?
Is there only one scintillating emerald covered in faucets in the world, given the lack of "a"? Wait, what am I saying? Of course there is!
For the record, true emeralds cannot be scarlet, because they only range between yellow to blue. Now, there IS such a thing as a "scarlet emerald," but that's not actually an emerald. It's a completely different type of beryl called bixbite. It's pretty rare, but to my knowledge, there are no faucets on it.
And now you're a little smarter. Too bad you (and I) had to lose crucial brain cells to get to this point.
In other news, I have now forgotten how to do subtraction.
a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own.
Naturally. How often do you hear of FANTASY JOOLS that don't?
A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...
.... so a ROCK is capable of taking over an empire's economy. Does it sprout little legs and arms, and go online to conquer the stock market?
the eye of Argon.
Drumroll, please! We finally discovered what this shitty book is named after. Of course, it doesn't seem to actually have anything to do with the rest of the plot, but... we have a title!
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Category:The Eye of Argon
Category:Jim Theis
Category:High Fantasy
Category:Sword and Sorcery