Stories of Randomness/Transcript

This is the transcript for "Stories of Randomness", the first in a series of episodes with segments in them rather than one full episode.
==Script==
===Rack Goes Bad===
*(The first scene shows Rack in jail with a black and white scenery.)
*Rack: Hey. You may be wondering why I'm in prison. Well, I'm nothing but trouble. Let me tell you the story.
*Rack: (voice only): It all started with...
*(Cut to a day before. The scenery is in color and it is a very sunny day.)
*(Rack wakes up and gets out of his bed.)
*Rack: Ah, time to live a sunny happy day!
*(Rack walks into the kitchen and finds NH wearing his robe, glasses, pipe and newspaper.)
*NH: I seriously don't understand how you can be so happy. You're treated like dirt.
*Rack: Are you serious? I'm treated nicely, and I'll do the same to others.
*NH: If you say so.
*(Rack goes outside and shuts the door.)
*Rack: Ah! What a beautiful day!
*(Suddenly, clouds come in and it starts raining.)
*Rack: Well, at least the air's fresh.
*(A smoker walks by.)
*Rack: (coughs): Well, at least my clothes aren't messy.
*(Car comes by and tire throws mud all over him.)
*Rack: Keep it together Rack, just gotta keep a big smile on and you'll be okay.
*(Rack smiles largely and walks. Bugs then get in his teeth.)
*Rack: Huh........
*(Rack bumps into US.)
*Rack: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't-oh, hey, US.
*US: Raclk! There you are!
*Rack: How come your walking in the streets? You never go outside.
*US: Well, I need to keep my trim figure.
*Rack: Uh okay.
*US: Geez Raclk, you're a mess!
*Rack: I've noticed. Can you get me a bucket of water or something?
*US: Sure, Raclk.
*(US walks away and gets him a bucket of water.)
*Rack: But this is mud!
*US: Hey, you didn't say it had to be clean. See ya Raclk!
*(US walks away. Rack continues walking.)
*Rack: Huh.........
*(An old lady walks by.)
*Old Lady: Why hello there young man. Would you mind walking little old me across the street?
*Rack: Why of course.
*(Rack walks the old lady across the street, but trips and breaks his glasses.)
*Rack: Huh............
*Old Lady: Thank you very much, young man. May your soul be blessed.
*Rack: I'd rather be in a hospital.
*(The old lady walks away and Rack gets up.)
*Rack: Come on, something good has to come out of this.
*(Rack is in a line for a water fountain. Rack is next in line and is about to drink from the fountain, when suddenly, a ridiculously large muscular man appears.)
*Man: Hey, do you mind me cuttin'? Us manly guys need liquids to look this hot. (Flexes muscles.)
*Rack: Um, sure.
*Man: Thanks, buddy!
*(The man pushes Rack on the ground.)
*Rack: Ow! My cheek!
*Man: Hey! Don't cry like a sissy! Be a man! Get a baby maker!
*(Beats up Rack.Rack then slowly crawls away.)
*Rack: (tooth falls out): I'm not that thirsty anymore.
*(A child with tattered clothing walks by.)
*Child: Sir, would you mind giving a penny for my very poor family? My family has just one penny left,
*Rack: Hm............ I don't have any coins, but I do have a 100 dollar bill. Is that good enough?
*Child: Why that would be perfect, sir! Thank you very much for your generous donation! May you be blessed!
*Rack: Doesn't seem like it.
*(Rack continues to crawl slowly, when suddenly a biker comes out of nowhere and runs over Rack, leaving bike tracks on him.)
*Rack: (coughs): There goes my lung.
*(Rack then crawls slowly to his house. Rack then finally gets to the door, gets inside and slams it.)
*NH: Huh, I guess I was right. People do treat you like dirt. (chuckles.)
*Rack: That's it! I am sick of being nice! I'm just gonna be evil from now on!
*NH: You, evil? (laughs.) Good luck with that.
*Rack: Yes! Evil! I'm just gonna be bad!
*NH: In that case............ welcome to the dark side. Now what type of cookie do you want?
*(A "The next day...." sign appears.)
*(Alarm clock goes off, with Rack smashing it into bits with his hand.)
*Rack: (sarcastic): Yay, another crummy day.
*(Rack puts on a black jacket, black shoes, blue jeans and black sunglasses with a toothpick in his mouth. Rack then walks to the door.)
*NH: (sarcastic): Ooh, look at big bad Rack in black. Intimidating. You sure will scare with that cliche style of clothing.
*Rack: Listen here, wolfie. Look who's talking. Red robe, reading glasses, pipe? Pfff. Cliche. And you think you're so great for making a sarcastic remark. Well, news flash: You're a sad, pathetic, awful excuse of a wolf. Get out of that stupid chair and get a life.
*(Rack slams the door, leaving. NH is speechless and has a shocked expression. Rack roams the street. It is a very sunny day. The smoker from before walks by.)
*Rack: Outta my way, buddy!
*(Pushes smoker on the ground. Then, the same car from before drives by. Rack then uses a knife to flatten the tire, flattening it and the car crashes into a fire hydrant. Then the old lady from before walks by.)
*Old Lady: Why hello there suspicious young man. Would you mind walking me across the street?
*Rack: Do it yourself grandma!
*(Rack throws the old lady in the busy traffic.)
*Old Lady: Oh my! Good Heavens!
*(Rack goes into the same water fountain line from before. The same man as before is in line.)
*Man: Hey, did you grow that baby maker yet?
*Rack: Let's find out.
*(Rack beats up the man. The man then cries, running away.)
*Rack: Who needs to grow a baby maker now?
*(Rack cuts in line.)
*Rack: Excuse me, coming through, outta my way.
*Person: Hey! No cutsies!
*Rack: Cutsies?! Ha! What are you, 5? (Pushes people on the ground.) (Drinks water.)
*Child: Sir, would you mind sparring a penny for me and my poor family?
*Rack: Kid, can't you see I'm busy drinking?! Now leave me alone and bother someone else!
*(Child runs away crying. Rack's cell phone rings in his pocket.)
*Rack: Yo?
*US: (voice only): Raclk, come in my office!
*Rack: Sure, toots.
*(Cut to Rack getting in US's office.)
*US: Wow Raclk, you look..........different.
*Rack: That's right, toots.
*US: Toots?
*Rack: Yep. So what did you want?
*US: Well, you see, I need your help. I need you to get a soda from the fridge. My butt's enjoying the seat, and I don't want it mad.
*Rack: Get it yourself you fat cow.
*US: What.....did............you...........just............say?!
*Rack: I said you're a fat cow, fat cow!
*US: Raclk, you're going to prison for life for insulting me!
*(Cut back to Rack in jail.)
*Rack: Yep, now you know the story. Meh, still worth it. (Cleans teeth with a toothpick.)
*THE END.
===What Does She Do, Anyway?===
SCENE: The city park. Rack and NH are walking along.
Rack: Y'know, NH, I've been thinking.
NH: I'm pretty sure that's bad for your health.
Rack: (continues like NH didn't say anything) I wonder what US does all day...
NH: What does she do, anyway?
SCENE: US's house. An alarm clock updates to 8:00 AM and starts to ring. US ignoring it entirely, just rolls over. It rings and rings, until, finally, at 8:30, the Deputy Mayor comes into the room and starts shaking US.
Deputy Mayor: Miss US, Miss US! MISS US! It's time to get up!
US: (In her sleep) Just five more minutes, Mom...
Deputy Mayor: I'm not your mom... (He continues to shake her)
US: (In her sleep) I don't wanna go to school today, Mom, Saver is gonna try to beat me up at recess...
Deputy Mayor: What?
US: You heard me, Mom.... Stay outta my way... (Rolls over, covering her head with the blanket)
Deputy Mayor: FINE THEN!! (He storms out, slamming the door)
SCENE: A local Wendy's, about 10 AM. US approaches the drive thru in her city vehicle.
Drive-Thru Person: (Over the speaker) Good morning Madame Mayor, how can we help you today?
US: o.O How do you know who I am!?
Drive-Thru Person: We can see your car from the window, Mayor. (He waves at her from the window)
US: Oh. I see.... (mutters) note to self, get rid of "windows"...
Drive Thru Person: What was that, Mayor?
US: Nothing! I'd like a baked potato, please.
Drive-Thru Person: Would you like bacon bits and cheese?
US: Yes. And i want a skinless potato.
Drive-Thru Person: ....what? I'm sorry Mayor, our potatoes have skins on them.
US: Then, take the skin off.
Drive-Thru Person: Oh... Uh...
Manager: (Noticing the Mayor's car, he comes over to the window and speaks in a whisper) Hey, give her whatever crazy thing she wants! She's the freakin' Mayor. She can close us down at any time, like she closed the Burger King when they wouldn't give her a vegetarian Whopper made from beef.
Drive-Thru Person: Yes, sir. (To US) Anything else?
US: No, that's all!
Drive-Thru Person: Alright. That's one... skinless... baked potato. Please pull forward.
US: (At the window) How much do I owe you?
Drive-Thru Person: Nothing, Mayor. You know we're in compliance with Article 158473.2, Section B of the City Revised Code. The mayor doesn't pay for food.
US: Good! I would hate to have to close you down. (The guy gives her her food) Thank you!!!
SCENE: Town hall, the Mayor's office, noon. US strolls in.
Deputy Mayor: Good afternoon, Mayor. Are you ready to go to the library opening? Did you study the speech I wrote?
US: What's a library?
Deputy Mayor: A library is a place that lets people borrow books. We just built one...
US: (Interrupting) And what speech?
Deputy Mayor: O.O The speech I gave you yesterday!
US: Oh yeah. I lost that. Gimmie another.
Deputy Mayor: You burned the other copy!
US: Oh. Well, I'll just wing it.
Deputy Mayor: I don't think you should do tha--
US: (Interrupting again) Who is the Mayor here?
Deputy Mayor: You are, but I still advise against it...
US: That's nice. Well, let's go. (The two get ready to leave)
Deputy Mayor: Oh, I almost forgot. The DA wants to have a luncheon with you.
US: Where?
Deputy Mayor: At Chili's.. he wants to discuss the dea---
US: Tell him "No".
Deputy Mayor: Mayor, are you sure? It's a pretty serious issue...
US: I don't care. I hate Chili's.
Deputy Mayor: o.O Wha?
US: Tell him Applebee's, or nothing.
Deputy Mayor: um, okay.... (The two leave the office)
SCENE: The library opening. US is on the podium giving a speech before the ribbon cutting, the Deputy Mayor and an Aide seated behind her. There is a large crowd of rather impatient looking citizens.
Random Guy in Crowd: Why is she Mayor again?
Random Woman: I wish I knew! I don't think she even knows the name of the town!
US: My fellow citizens. I am here today to dedicate this new addition to our fair city.... (Looks at the Deputy Mayor and whispers) what's the name of the city?
Deputy Mayor: What? How do you not know that?
US: Good citizens, I am proud that we are adding the world's first.. li.. li-bra.... li-brar-ee to.. to our fair city. Now, I know a few of you are still a little... miffed... that the construction was delayed because of a certain matter... the world's largest pizza... But we cannot dwell on what has been! That pizza was delicious, and we mourn those who were lost. And so, with a heavy heart I am glad to dedicate this newfangled Public Li-brar-ee to the City of.... to our fairy city! (She holds her hand out to the Deputy Mayor) The scissors, please!
Deputy Mayor: o.O I thought you had them...
US: No, YOU had them! Where are they!?
Deputy Mayor: We must have left them at City Hall...
Aide: I can run and get them, we're only a block away...
US: NO! That will never do, I need to take my nap at 2 PM, that's only 30 minutes from now! I think I have some scissors... (She fiddles around in her pockets) A-HA! Here we go! (She pulls out a pair of cuticle scissors, then proceeds to start cutting the extremely wide ribbon with them, very slowly.)
Deputy Mayor: Mayor, are you sure--
US: (Interrupting) SHH! I'm CUTTING!
Aide: She can't be serious.
Deputy Mayor: Oh, she is..
Aide: Why do we use ribbons that are two feet wide, anyway?
(US continues to cut the ribbon, and, fourty-five minutes and a lot of sweating later, she's finished. The crowd is clearly extremely displeased.)
Random Guy: FINALLY! I JUST WANT TO READ.
US: Oh, is that what you do at a place like this? Well, anyway welcome to the li-brar-ee!!
SCENE: The city park, about 3 PM. US is walking along a path near the pond when she comes across Rack, sitting on a bench.)
US: Raclk, what are you doing out here by yourself?
Rack: My name is Rack. And I'm feeding the ducks. (He looks at his watch) US, it's like.. three in the afternoon.
US: Yes, Raclk. I just got up from my nap. (Stretches)
Rack: Why do you keep calling me that?
US: Calling you what, Raclk, your name?
Rack: Nevermind. What are you doing here?
US: I always walk through the park at 3 PM to avoid the school buses driving by City Hall.
Rack: Uh, what?
US: The yellow school buses. Yellow is a sign of a challenge you know.
Rack: Couldn't you just... stay in your office?
US: No. If I make eye contact with one, it's the same as accepting the challenge. And they fight in packs.
Rack: Oh, really? A challenge from a school bus? (pause) .....you could take them.
Us: No, I'm not in shape enough.. not yet...
(A horn blares from behind Rack and he turns to see a school bus honking at a city bus. US clearly sees it, but gives no comment.)
Rack: I... see.. Well, while you're out here, could you do me a favor?
US: No, Raclk, I'm very busy.
Rack: (Laughs) Haha... (He realizes she's serious) ...You are? Doing what?
US: ...... (Long pause. She coughs) Well, Raclk, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have some mayoral things to avoid doing. (She walks away)
Rack: Um, okay.
(NH shows up)
NH: What's she doing wandering around the park at 3 PM?
Rack: I... don't know.. I don't think she does anything, anyway.
FIN
===The Squirrel===
*(Rack is walking NH outside with a leash on.)
*NH: This is so embarrassing! I am not a dog, idiot!
*Rack: Aw, is someone cranky?
*NH: What was your first clue? Stupid humans.
*Rack: Aw, you wanna be a human?
*NH: No! Never! Why must you not listen correctly to my ramblings?!
*(A squirrel is seen walking by.)
*NH: Is that a-a squirrel?!
*Rack: Aw, you wanna play with the squirrel?
*NH: Sure, playing. If by eating it's skin and insides, sure.
*Rack: Alright, have fun!
*(Lets NH off his leash.)
*NH: I am free! Now to eat that squirrel.
*(NH then runs to the squirrel.)
*NH: Come here, you!
*(NH catches the squirrel, but the squirrel pops up in different areas of NH's body. The squirrel then runs to his tree.)
*NH: Hm. He is smart, but no smarter than I!
*(NH runs to the tree and tries to climb up. However, his claws get stuck on the wood.)
*NH: Blast! Time to think outside the box, I see.
*(Tries to rip his claws off the tree, and successfully does so. However, the wood is still stuck to his claws.)
*(Later........NH is back to normal, and is on a tree branch. He tries to get another tree branch from the squirrel's tree so he can walk over to the squirrel.)
*NH: There is no way this plan can fail! Hahahahhahah! All I have to do is keep my balance.
*(The Squirrel then throws an acorn on NH's head, causing him to fall on his baby maker.)
*NH: My gobblers!
*(NH then falls on the ground.)
*(Later........... NH is back to normal, and is building a cardboard female squirrel to trick the squirrel into coming over his tree.)
*NH: (behind squirrel, moving it around and voicing it): You who! I need a handsome young man to live with. (to himself): What the devil do they talk about? Acorns! (as squirrel): And eat acorns all day!
*(The squirrel's heart beats in and out of his chest, with hearts moving around his head.)
*(The squirrel, lovestruck, levitates to NH's tree, with a lot of acorns, but then the cardboard squirrel falls. The squirrel, angry, throws all of the acorns in his hands on NH.)
*NH: Hm........ time to think more outside the box.
*(Later............ NH is reading a "Reverse Psychology" book, giving him an idea: If NH acts like the squirrel, the squirrel will act like NH, falling into NH's trap.)
*(NH starts acting like the squirrel, eating acorns. However, the squirrel isn't falling for it. And NH is now convinced he is the squirrel.)
*(Later........... NH is using a laser like machine in his tree, planning on zapping the squirrel with it.)
*NH: Ah, this has to kill that annoyance. It has 100% accuracy.
*(The squirrel is taunting by making faces.)
*(NH shoots the laser, but misses.)
*NH: Blast! How could this be?!
*(The squirrel is laughing.)
*(Cut to Rack shopping in a grocery store.)
*Rack: I hope NH is having fun with that squirrel.
*(Laser barely misses Rack, and a hair falls off his head.)
*Rack: Huh....... (Continues shopping.) (Cuts back to NH.)
*NH: I need to get that squirrel if it's the last thing I do!
*(Later........... NH is using a giant slingshot to get on the squirrel's tree, but overshoots.)
*NH: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*(The squirrel waves using a "goodbye" gesture.)
*(NH ends up right next to Rack, who just came out of the store.)
*Rack: Ah, there you are NH! Did you have fun?
*NH: No! I need to get him!
*Rack: Aw, you missed me? That's sweet! (Carries NH.)
*NH: No! Let me go human! I need to get that squirrel! Let me go!
*Rack: Aw, don't worry. Well get home soon.
*(The squirrel looks at the screen and chuckles, waving "goodbye" to the viewers.)
*THE END.
Category:Transcripts