You're Not Actually Assistant Director (Transcript)

Derrick later meets Mat, the former actor behind Chris on West End and Ben, the head of tech's husband. Derrick is wearing his blonde wig because he knows that everyone would recognise him.
Derrick: Does anyone know where the light board is? Like the spotlight?
Mat: Woah woah, you gotta take that wig off That's way too bright. Sorry but we'll be able to see that through the curtains, you gotta take that off.
Derrick: Erm... who are you?
Mat: I'm the stage manager.
Derrick: This hair is not even bright.
Mat: It's practically glowing you're not gonna run around backstage with that thing around your head.
Derrick: Yes I can because I'm on a tech crew or whatever.
Mat: Okay, if you're going to be backstage, you're gonna take off the wig or I'll take it off for you.
Derrick: Literally, who do you think you are?
Mat: The stage manager.
Derrick: You think you can just come up here and tell me what to do?
Mat: Yes, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. You need to take off the wig.
Derrick: I don't have to listen to you, you're not the director.
Mat: Seriously, this is the last chance. Take off the wig or I'll take it off for you-
Derrick: You can't touch me. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to listen to people like you. You're just jealous of me. Last time I checked, there wasn't a dress code.
Mat: Okay, nope. There we go, much better.
Mat took off Derrick's blonde wig revealing his natural and brown curly hair. His hair looks similar to Wilbur's, but as how the cast members describe it, a horrible knockoff version.
Derrick: What are you doing?
Mat: Now wasn't hard at all, was it?
Derrick: What makes you think you can just take my wig?
Mat: I told you to take it off and you didn't take it off. Wow, you really are that groomer who groomed our actresses when they were young.
Derrick: That is my wig, you need to give it back.
Mat: This hair is not allowed backstage. I will not have it backstage.
Derrick: I literally do not care. You have no clue who I am-
Mat: Oh, I know who you are. You're the guy who groomed the actresses long ago and now you came all the way here just to harass our actors of all ages. But you don't know who I am and I'm not the director. I'm the stage manager. And I'm not gonna have patience for you like our directors have had.
While the commotion is happening, Toby went backstage to figure out what's going on.
Toby: Dad, what's going on? Why do I hear that voice?
Mat: Hey son.
Derrick: The 'stage manager,' is your dad?
Mat: Yeah, I adopted him when he was 13.
Derrick: Your dad needs to give my wig back.
Mat: Here, take your wig and go.
Toby: What are you doing here?
Derrick: I'm on tech.
Toby: There's no way...
Derrick: The directors are letting me be a techie, so before you run your mouth, maybe you should check your facts.
Toby: Why? Why would the directors let you join tech? That is terrible judgement.
Mat: I do agree.
Derrick: I don't know, maybe it's because the directors recognises that I have actual talent. Unlike any of you.
Mat: I take that as an offense, I was in theatre before I became the stage manager.
Derrick: In what musical?
Mat: Miss Saigon, that's how I met the director's mum.
Derrick: Oh so you guys married and give birth to this little crap?
Mat: No, I'm gay and I adopted Toby.
Toby: Yeah.
Mat: So, what did I just tell you about the wig?
Toby: Didn't know he wears a wig.
Derrick: Yeah, I get it but I'm leaving backstage so that I can put it on if I want to-
Toby: At this point, I don't even know if I need to laugh or cry. The only thing bringing me joy right now is the fact that our stage manager, my dad, ripped your wig off your head. Good job with that, by the way.
Mat: Yeah, it came off pretty easy.
Toby: Yeah, I know it does.
Mat: I'm not messing around, we have a show to put on. I don't have time to deal with you and your terrible wig that's covering your curly brown hair which is the worst version of Wilbur's hair.
Toby: Yeah, you shouldn't have given the wig back-
Derrick: You're an actor, you need to be on stage, or like, not backstage.
Toby: I have never seen a person as annoying as you. Are you never gonna stop coming around? Are you never gonna stop?
Derrick: You know what? Whatever.
Toby: I'll tell you this right now though, if I see you try to mess with Frisk, Chara, Flowey, Toriel, Napstablook, Sans, Papyrus, Monster Kid, Undyne, Genocide, Pacifist, Alphys, Mettaton, Asgore or any of our cast members in any way, you will be dealing with me or my dad.
Derrick: Oh, you are so brave. I'm going to get the directors and I'm gonna tell them that all of the techies and all of the actors and actresses are just being mean to me and-
Mat: You go right ahead. Get to them before I do. I know Zoe's mum.
Toby: Yeah, go on and tell them how mean we're being to you. That'll work out for you-
Derrick: The jealousy is just astounding. Sorry I'm talented. I'm sorry that I could play your role as Asriel 10 times better than you. I could do all the tech work. I need to be the stage manager. I could be Asriel. You just don't need to be so mean to me.
Mat: Isn't he too old to be Asriel?
Toby: How mean have you been to all the tech crew?
Derrick: I'm getting the directors. I'm literally telling the directors.
Mat: Oh my God.
Toby: I know right.
Derrick began crying and then ran out of the prompt room and ran up to Zoe and Raphael.
Derrick: I have to talk to you!
Zoe: Woah, what's going on?
Derrick: Everyone is just being so mean to me for no reason.
Raphael: Calm down, why are we- why is this a thing?
Derrick: So I'm on tech and I'm like backstage-
Zoe: Okay, well, we haven't even assigned you a position on tech yet. Why are you even back there?
Derrick: Well-
Raphael: We told you to come talk to us about that later. There's no reason why you should've been backstage.
Derrick: Yeah, but like, anyways, so like the stage manager or whatever he is, he came up to me and told me that I couldn't have my wig on because it's too bright or whatever.
Zoe: You're wearing a wig now?
Derrick: Yeah, everyone's making fun of how curly my hair is and comparing it to Wilbur's. And I was like I don't have to listen to you because you're not even the director.
Raphael: No, you're wrong, you do listen to the stage manager. If he tells you to take off your wig, you take off your wig. It's too bright to backstage. I do agree. You should not be even back there-
Derrick: Yeah, but that doesn't matter. Like the stage manager, he grabbed my wig off my head like he attacked me and he threw it on the ground and he like stepped on it for no reason.
Then, Mat came in because of the commotion.
Mat: Okay, no, that did not happen. I'm not putting up with his attitude and he's upset about it.
Zoe: Hi uncle Mat.
Mat: See? I told you I know her mum. Anyway, people have been coming up to me and telling me that he's going around saying that he's assistant director.
Raphael: Isn't that my position?
Zoe: Same for Simon's but he's busy with other projects. (sighs)
Derrick: What do you mean I've been telling people I'm assistant director? I have not been doing that?
Mat: I've had a lot of different people came up to me and tell me that you're running around telling them that you're the new assistant director. That's Raphael and Simon's position.
Derrick: You're literally lying. You're lying. He's just lying because he doesn't like me-
Toby: Yeah, no, he's not lying, you are.
Derrick: Okay, you can go away. We don't need your input.
George: I heard from Undyne you were back in the costume closet trying to try on Frisk's jumper.
Derrick: I have not. That is such a lie. She literally hates me for no reason.
Aimee: Not our fault you were such a groomer and pedophile. You said it, not any of us.
Derrick: So, don't listen to any of them, I just went back stage because I was curious what it looked like. I have not messed with any of the techie people at all and I've never said I was assistant director-
Phil: You sure about that?
Derrick: Why don't you guys go do something better with your time like practise your lines because you have no grasp of your character at all-
Oli: Why don't you do something that betters all of our time and leave this theatre since you were kicked out of the show.
Raphael: Okay, all of you stop. I know you are trying to help but this is a conversation Zoe and I need to have with him alone. So just go on.
Toby: Yes guys, sorry.
Derrick: Yeah, go away.
After all the actors left to do their own things, Raphael and Zoe confronted Derrick.
Zoe: We don't have time for this drama. We don't. You came to us and you apologised and you told us that you'd be better-
Derrick: Everyone's lying about me because I've never said I was assistant director.
Then, Ben interrupted from the balcony-level control booth. He was using a microphone to talk to the directors. 
Ben: Erm... she was up in my booth, trying to mess with the mics and he also told me that he was assistant director. Just putting my piece in-
Derrick: Who even are you? Everyone is just siding against me because everyone hates me. I didn't even go to the sound booth or whatever like I was just backstage-
Raphael: No, no, I told you, come talk to us about tech when we could figure out where we could place you. And what did you do? You went backstage and tried to mess with the props or whatever you were trying to do. We never told you to do that. Why are we hearing now from many people including our stage manager? Saying that you were going around telling people that you were assistant director of the show? That is my position.
Derrick: I'm really sorry that everyone's lying about me-
Zoe: You're not. You're not. Just go. Out, out, , out, out.
Derrick: But you said I could have a second chance.
Raphael: Look, we can't do this.
Derrick: (sighs)
Meanwhile, the actors and actresses are talking to each other in their group.
Niki: So, what do you think about the makeup?
Wilbur: Eh, not that fancy. I won't be wearing any makeup because I'll be in a ghost costume.
Cassie: Yeah, we'll just be as simple as possible.
Karl: The makeup's cool though, I got to repaint my nails earlier too.
Nick: They look good on you.
Karl: Thank you. Hope you guys won't think I'm gay just cuz I wear this.
Oli: It doesn't, right?
Hannah: Coming from a woman, I agree.
Tommy: Yeah, we gotta allow both men and women to wear makeup or whatever. We'll be doing it on stage.
Aimee: I am so excited.
Niki: Yeah, let us know if you have more questions about makeup.
Eret: Erm... I'm pretty sure my makeup would take hours compared to everyone else's. Apparently, I'm a robot.
Niki: Okay-
Harvey: No fair.
Toby: I had to get Zoe to help me with my makeup one time. It was in Miss Saigon, I was Chris.
Bill: Not fair.
Freddie: I want Zoe to do the makeup for me.
Tommy: She's the director so she's probably busy.
Toby: Anyway, I gotta go see my dad in the prompt corner so I'll be back.
Dream: Go bug your dad.
Toby went backstage to see his dad in the prompt room.
Hannah: Anyway, the makeup looks good.
Niki: Simplistic as it sounds, Zoe always has the best taste.
Cassie: Wanna run lines? I don't think we did Megalovania yet.
Bill: Sure.
Ranboo: When's Megalovania?
Freddie: Now.
Karl: Cool, I'm up.
Alex: Karl, this isn't the Genocide route yet.
Karl: Right, sorry.
Song: Megalovania by Echo Flower Productions
Freddie: They’re my family! I’d NEVER kill them! And neither would Frisk! Come on Frisk, let’s just go!
Cassie: NO! You’re not leaving yet you 2. #Here again #Lost within the darkness #Why not reset #To a path you won’t address #All it would take #Is just one monster falling #Isn’t the urge calling?#
Bill: #Death and war #To you that’s all that matters #Wanting more #As the ashes scatter #Don’t you see #What that path amounts to?# #Don’t listen! #Stay determined you 2!#
Cassie: #Side with me #You'll see my way’s better #Everything #Soon destroyed together #Hear my voice #They deserve the grave too #Make your choice #Murder’s what will save you!#
Bill: #Doesn’t have to be that way #On this determined path you 2 should stay #Genocide is not the right way #You both know what is at stake#
Both: #Your actions determine fate #Save, run, or exterminate? #Now here at the crossroads you both stand #What is the choice you’ll make? #Your heart and soul call within#
Bill: #Will you spare those that you meet#
Cassie: #Or kill them all in frustration?#
Both: #What is the story that you’ll choose to begin?#
Bill: #Violence won’t solve all your quarrels #Genocide will only bring sorrow#
Tommy: #2 paths to take#
Cassie: #Fight and soon your strength will prevail #Let your power shine in this new tale!#
Freddie: #Is it really our choice to make?#
Bill: #When you kill, you distance your mind #More likely to be cruel than kind#
Cassie: #In a fight, friendship can’t set you free #Take their lives, LET THIS WORLD GO EMPTY!#
Bill: #Don’t give in to a lust for power#
Cassie: #Strike them down, it’s their final hour #Would their deaths really be so tragic?#
Bill: #Don’t listen to that megalomaniac!#
Cassie: #Soon those spears will bring you to your end#
Bill: #There is still a chance to befriend #I can help you to survive#
Cassie: #Forget your reservations and decide!#
Bill: #Just stay strong! End their tragic story#
Cassie: #Forget that! Just go for the glory!#
Bill: #Please don’t kill, no need to be fighting#
Cassie: #Feel your thoughts of vengeance igniting#
Pacifist: #Just be friends! You’ll get through, I promise#
Genocide: #Victory can’t come without violence#
Pacifist: #Chara, Frisk, yes it’s a risk but #Here’s not kill or be killed#
Genocide: #Here it’s kill or be killed#
Meanwhile, Derrick is talking to the directors.
Derrick: Are you done believing people's lies about me yet? So like what tech- what techie person am I gonna be?
Zoe: You don't-
Derrick: I mean, I can do anything, I'm really good at tech. I've never done techie stuff but it's really, I'm sure it's easy it's just tech-
Raphael: Okay, I know you did not say 'just tech.'
Derrick: Well, it is, I mean, it's not like actors or actresses. It's not like acting.
Zoe: You are asking us for a position on tech while disrespecting tech-
Derrick: How is that disrespecting tech? It's the truth. I mean, all techies even do is just sit backstage and like be quiet.
Raphael: No, you're wrong.
Derrick: It's fine, I never said it was a bad thing.
Zoe: Okay, what's your point of this? Because I'm not gonna waste my time standing here listening to you disrespect tech like that.
Derrick: It's just, I feel so bad that everyone just lies about me. I really want that second chance.
Raphael: After with your little 'I'm assistant director' thing? No, no, you need to leave.
Derrick: You have absolutely no proof of me saying any of those things besides your favourites telling you.
Zoe: The proof is the many people coming up to us and telling us that you've been going around and saying that. 
Derrick: So are you against me too? I can prove that I never said I was assistant director. How would I even know what the assistant director is? Because I've never been a techie before. I'm only an actor, like a lead actor. I've only ever done that.
Raphael: Do you really think we're gonna buy that? Like, I'm one.
Derrick: How would I even know what an assistant director is?
Zoe: You know what the assistant director is. You were going around telling people that you were the assistant director. Look who's next to me. Why would you tell people that you're something when you don't even know what that something is? That doesn't make sense-
Derrick: I mean, I'm an actor, I don't know anything about techies.
Raphael: So do you just expect us to believe this and just put you in a position on tech now, after everything you pulled?
Derrick: Yeah, why wouldn't you? So you're gonna kick me out with no proof? There's no proof besides several people saying that I said those things and those people don't even like me. Is this, is that what this is? You just are looking for any opportunity to get me out of this show.
Zoe: No, you need-
Derrick: Sorry that I'm not one of your favourites. Honestly, Frisk probably told them to say all of those things because he really hates me. My mum will actually sue you. I will literally go call her right now and he'll come talk to you.
Just after that conversation, Derrick called his mum and she reached the theatre.
Karen: Where are the directors? Where are the directors? I'm back.
Raphael: This is gonna be nice-
Zoe: Yeah ma'am?
Karen: You do realise that this is about the fifth time that I have had to come in here and correct your mistakes-
Raphael: You have not had to come in and correct. There have been no mistakes made-
Karen: Oh yes there is. Yes there is. You keep trying to get my son out of this show in any way possible.
Zoe: Your son is responsible-
Karen: My son has done nothing but bring talent into this show. You're honestly lucky I haven't come in here sooner.
Raphael: Shame I couldn't have stayed lucky.
Karen: Because I was this close a couple weeks ago. And my daughter said 'mum I will handle it' and I said sweetie, you can't deal with these directors because they're crazy.
Zoe: Mhm.
Karen: Even though I could've done it for him, my son said 'no mum, I can it' and he came in and spoke to you-
Raphael: And your son was very respectful. So we gave him a position on tech-
Karen: Yes and it wasn't Frisk? But I guess that's what we can get at this point. My son got a position on tech and you told him that he could be on tech so now why are you removing him before you even placed him on tech?