Pixels (2015)/Transcript

(SURRENDER PLAYING)
Mother told me
Yes, she told me
That I'd meet girls like you
She also told me
Stay away
You'll never know what you'll catch
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Cooper, it's open.
It's open?
Come on!
It's supposed to be awesome.
- COOPER: Thank you.
- Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser!
Mom!
They just seem a little weird
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away
Whatever happened to all this season's
Losers of the year?
Every time I got to thinking
Where'd they disappear?
But when I woke up, Mom and Dad
Are rolling on the couch
Damn.
What?
I suck.
Mommy's all right, daddy's all right
They just seem a little weird
COOPER: Wow, Sam.
How are you so good at this?
You've never even played it before.
I don't know.
There's a pattern to how they're moving.
Watch.
I don't see it, but you sure as hell do.
Away
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away
- Use the Force. Use the Force.
- (MECHANICAL HAND WHIRRING)
(CHEERING)
BRENNER: Hey, Chewie.
COOPER: You're a superstar, dude.
And it's time to show the world.
Surrender
But don't give yourself away
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away
MAN: (ON PA SYSTEM)
Attention, all contestants.
The competition will start in minutes.
You too? That's so funny.
Really?
I think you're pretty darn foxy yourself.
Lady Lisa, I'll love you till the end of time.
- Who are you talking to?
- Nobody!
(SOFTLY) We'll talk later.
You're Ludlow Lamonsoff,
the Wonder Kid, right?
Who told you that? The government?
'Cause I'm this close to figuring out
the secret of the Bermuda Triangle.
Wow, you don't have any friends, do you?
Just my grandma.
Yoo-hoo!
Well, Wonder Kid, you can hang out with us.
- Really?
- (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
What's up, geeks and goobers?
They call me the Fire Blaster!
'Cause my hands are blazing fast,
and also I will blast and burn
all my competitors' weak-ass moves.
You must be the local talent.
If this was a fugly contest, I'd be in trouble.
At least we didn't make up
our own nicknames, Fire Blaster.
Who cares who came up with it?
It's totally tubular.
Welcome, gamers, to the first annual
Worldwide Video Arcade Championships!
(CHEERING)
Tonight, we have representatives here
from the Guinness Book of World Records,
as well as NASA, the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,
who will be videotaping
tonight's competition
to be included in a compilation of 's
news events and popular culture.
That videotape will be placed
in a space probe
which will be launched by NASA
into our solar system
with the hope of connecting to,
and perhaps providing a message for
extraterrestrial life, should it exist.
Oh, it exists.
Ladies and gentlemen,
start your gaming!
(GAME BEEPING)
(CONTROLLER CLICKING)
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
what an evening we have had here.
Six new US records set.
- Three new world records set.
- Oh, yeah.
And, as the smoke clears,
right now we have a tie.
- Two hundred and fifty-nine points
- (CHEERING)
for your new Pac-Man world champion.
The Fire Blaster, Eddie Plant!
- (CHEERING)
- GIRL: Go, Fire Blaster!
And points
for your new Galaga Centipede
world champion, rookie sensation,
Sam Brenner!
- (CHEERING)
- Yeah, Sam!
Well, gentlemen, how 'bout we break this tie.
Let's play
Donkey Kong!
- Good luck, man.
- Thanks.
You have the patterns down pretty good
with these games.
You're gonna be tough to b*at.
(COIN DROPS)
(WE WILL ROCK YOU
VONLICHTEN PLAYING)
Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playing in the street
gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kickin' your can all over the place
- Singin'
- We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is,
at the higher levels the barrels become
more random, possessed almost.
And playing by the patterns
doesn't do the trick anymore.
Does it, Brenner?
We will, we will rock you
Congratulations.
On coming in second!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Fire Blaster is the world champ!
The local yokel looked destiny in the eye
and blinked.
He's a loser, and he will always be a loser.
Sam!
Sam, Sam, wait.
Sam, listen.
You're still gonna go to MIT
and invent something
that makes you a millionaire.
And maybe even marry Olivia Newton-John.
I was actually thinking Samantha Fox.
Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton.
Well,
there's always Madonna.
How about Scarlett Johansson?
So hot.
Mmm. Not Halle Berry hot, but so, so hot.
And don't forget Katy Perry.
What are we doin' right now? We're too old.
It's just gross already.
Plus, you're married to a woman
who hates you.
She doesn't hate me.
She just doesn't get it, you know.
We don't have the free time
to do stuff together like we did years ago.
This job is k*lling me, man.
If I were you,
maybe a half hour a day,
turn off the cell phone,
shut down the emails,
put away the Reggie bars
and focus on your wife.
FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR: The President's
gaffe-filled summer continued today...
Hold on a second. I gotta see this.
...at Joseph Knibb Elementary School
to promote his new youth reading initiative.
Here's what happened.
"Mittens jumped up onto the table
and knocked over the whole bowl of soup.
"Mrs. Pickles gassed... Gasped."
She gasped.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- "And the whole room fell silent.
"This was casta...
"This is cast... (CLEARS THROAT)
"Catatastrophic."
Catastrophic.
I got it, sweetheart, okay?
Why'd you yell at me?
You're mean.
Leave her alone.
The President can't read.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING)
You gotta learn how to read, buddy.
It's as simple as that.
(GUARDS SNICKERING)
(SNICKERING STOPS)
I was on three hours' sleep, all right?
WOMAN: Your economics
are hurting poor people!
Nice to see ya!
MAN: You've got the blood of
innocent children on your hands.
Thank you for your support.
I can't afford to go to college because of you!
- (CROWD JEERING)
- That's a lovely dress.
- You're ruining the country!
- Yeah, we're all in this together, now.
You got a rough life, bud.
- Sir? Okay.
- Thank you.
But at least you have a life.
Look, Brenner,
you're meant for something more than this.
You just need to channel your genius
into something productive.
I mean, you were incredible at video games
back in the day,
but that's a useless skill now.
It's like being a great blacksmith.
Ooh! That hurt, man.
That's catatastrophic that you said that.
I'm gonna get you back for that.
Mr. President,
if you take away all the libraries, sir,
how will the children ever learn to read?
(JEERING INTENSIFIES)
Blacksmith, over and out.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade.
Here to nerd out
on all your audio and visual needs.
Do you have to say that
every time you show up at a house?
If I wanna get paid, yes.
Isn't that kind of demeaning?
Only if someone brings it up.
- Okay, I won't bring it up, then.
- Thanks.
Come on in.
So, what am I installing?
(SIGHS) A new -inch, K, D TV,
- PlayStation , . surround-sound speakers.
- Mmm-hmm.
Really, if you guys sell it,
we've probably bought it.
Huh. Is it your birthday?
No, my parents are getting a divorce.
Oh. So it's like birthdays.
Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom
with his -year-old Pilates instructor.
Her name's Sinnamon, with an "S"
which really tells you
all you need to know about her.
No, I could hear a little more.
You got any pictures?
I'm kiddin'. I'm sorry to hear that.
My mom kind of hates him right now.
And she says she's gonna invent
a slut-seeking m*ssile to take out Sinnamon.
Okay, Matty, you don't need to tell
the nice installer man our whole life.
Whoa.
I'm sorry, "Whoa"?
- What?
- No, just you. Whoa.
Me? Whoa?
I don't even know what that means.
I mean, it's just, when your son told me
that your husband left you for a -year-old,
I guess I thought you were gonna be, like
one of those
"hot when we first met in high school,
"but then let herself go
and got a potbelly and turkey neck
"with a hairy chin."
But clearly that's not the case.
So more like,
"Whoa, I should have brushed my teeth
before I left the house this morning."
Or studio apartment,
if we're getting real here.
Did you really
not brush your teeth this morning?
No, I did.
I guess I should just start
settin' this stuff up right now.
Go get 'em.
(TSKS)
(CHUCKLES)
Colonel Devereux.
You need to see this, sir.
We're under att*ck.
(SOLDIERS CLAMORING)
What the hell are those things?
So are you a gamer?
Uh...
Yeah.
I played when I was your age.
Were you any good?
I was pretty good
at some of the classic games.
Hmm. Classics.
You mean like Halo and Call of Duty.
No! The real classics.
Defender, Pac-Man, Asteroids.
Games you played in an arcade
which was a building outside of your house.
You would go there with your friends,
listen to music, cute girls everywhere.
In ancient times, they called it "socializing."
What are you guys talking about?
- Video games.
- Video games.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- (CHUCKLES)
I'll be right back.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- BRENNER: Mrs. Van Patten.
All finished up down there.
I need you to sign the work order.
VIOLET: (VOICE WAVERING) Okay.
Mrs. Van Patten, are you in the closet?
Yes.
Not judging,
but what are you doin' in the closet?
I'm mostly crying.
A little drinking.
Probably equally crying and drinking.
Something I do often, also.
But why in the closet?
Because I don't want Matty to see me.
(SOBBING)
I'm comin' in the closet, Mrs. Van Patten.
I'm opening the door.
Are you all right?
I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet
drinking Chardonnay out of a sippy cup.
So I guess not.
Sorry. I withdraw the question.
(SOBBING) Oh, God.
- Wanna talk about it?
- No.
Yes!
Yes.
Oh, God.
Sir, we are in the midst of an aerial att*ck
by an unidentified force!
Activate the QRF.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTS)
(SOLDIER COUGHS)
(SCREAMING)
Mama! No!
We were high-school sweethearts.
- Mmm-hmm.
- The perfect couple.
Do you know that he proposed in a waterfall?
- I mean, a freaking waterfall.
- Smooth.
But now,
according to a text I got minutes ago,
he's marrying
a -year-old named after a spice.
It's not even spelled correctly.
- Mmm.
- (SCOFFS)
It's just not where I thought I'd be
at this point in my life.
- Oh, God. I hear that.
- (SIGHS)
I was supposed to have a baby
with my ex-wife.
And the doctor
who was helping us make the baby
did help us make the baby.
But, unfortunately, I wasn't in the room.
(TOOTS SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT)
Maybe this really is all for the best.
How do you mean?
You already married the wrong guy.
You got the worst part over with.
True, and you married the wrong girl.
Maybe it just means
we're gonna meet the right person now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whoa!
Are you trying to kiss me?
Absolutely not.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I thought we were having a moment.
We were. A moment.
Look, you seem like a very nice guy,
but I just met you, okay?
And, no offense,
I don't think my rebound guy
is a -pound person
that installs flat screens for a living.
First of all, .
And, wow,
I didn't peg you as the snobby type.
Snob? Me?
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
I am not a snob.
Okay, well, let's just say I was a billionaire,
and we were out on my giant yacht
in the middle of the Mediterranean,
sipping champagne,
and I went in to kiss you.
Would you have kissed me back, then?
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold that thought, snobby.
Big Man!
COOPER: Can you get to
the White House right now?
I'll be there in .
While I'd love to stick around
and listen to you lie about not wanting to
make out with the yacht guy,
I have to go.
For the record, I'm an amazing kisser.
All us nerds are.
'Cause we appreciate it more.
You didn't even brush your teeth
this morning.
I ate a Tic Tac.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Too late, sweetheart.
You had your sh*t and ya blew it.
I'm not following you.
Yeah, whatever you say, stalky. It's over.
Deal with it.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Whoa, she went from zero
to psycho in . seconds,
a new world record.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BRENNER: Hey, Steve-O.
There's a crazy woman following me.
I guarantee she's here to sh**t the President.
And if I were you, I'd break out the billy club
and go full throttle on her, seriously.
Go right on through, Lieutenant Colonel.
- At this point, it's primarily data collection.
- (BRENNER SIGHS)
- Why are you following me?
- Oh, God.
Oh, God. I can't believe
they even let you in here.
BRENNER: Right.
Colonel Van Patten,
you can go right into the Situation Room.
Yeah, see, they need me
in the Situation Room,
- so have fun doing whatever you're doing.
- Mmm.
Mr. Brenner, the President is waiting for you
in the Oval Office.
(MOCKINGLY) Somebody's more important.
Freddy, can you keep the riffraff outta here?
Yo, wassup?
Oh, come on,
you couldn't have at least changed?
You told me to rush right over.
What's going on, man?
Why's it so crazy out there?
(SIGHS) Our Air Force base
in Guam was att*cked.
By who?
I'm not sure. That's what I wanted to ask you.
Come here. Check this out.
- Me?
- Yes, you. Come here.
- Listen to this.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKS)
- (DEEP WHIRRING)
- Does that sound familiar to you?
Yeah. Where do I know that from?
- Can you freeze it?
- Yeah, hold on.
- Go in tighter.
- (BEEPING)
That can't be real.
Okay, so you're seeing
the same thing I'm seeing.
What kind of mushrooms
did that guy put on our burgers?
- They're ready for you, Mr. President.
- COOPER: Great.
Now I gotta explain this
to the National Security Council.
Listen, do me a favor, Sam.
Watch that again, okay?
And just see if there's anything
you can find to help us out.
Yeah. Can I sit in your chair?
No, you can't, and everything's recorded.
Okay, I won't. I won't. I won't.
I'm sittin' in the chair. Gimme a break.
(ALL SPEAKING TOGETHER)
Mr. President, we told the press that it was
an advanced weapons test that misfired.
- So there's no mass panic yet.
- Well, good.
Then let's solve this thing before there is.
Mr. President, someone's made
a major breakthrough in drone technology
and it wasn't us.
CIA CHIEF: This has got
Moscow's fingerprints all over it.
Nonsense!
It's an Iranian black-ops sideshow.
I guarantee it.
I have a theory.
I think, based on analysis
of the footage,
that preliminary indications
are that we were att*cked by
(MUMBLING) Galaga.
By who, sir?
Galaga.
Sons of b*tches.
Then let's blow Galaga to hell.
Who's Galaga?
It's an old-timey video game,
' s kind of folks like my dad used to play.
Mr. President, there is no nation on Earth
that has the m*llitary technology
to simply pixelate entire buildings.
Except Iran.
DEFENSE SECRETARY: Forget Iran!
I'm thinking this is a cutting-edge
multinational enterprise.
An NGO, a think t*nk,
maybe even a corporation.
We're thinkin' Iran
when we should be thinking Google.
So let's blow up Google.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Can somebody take Grandpa's keys away
before he drives us into a ditch?
(PERSON CLEARS THROAT)
- Who is this person?
- The sandwich guy?
This here is, uh,
my old arcade game technical
advisor person-guy.
Sam Brenner. He works in the tech sector.
So Caltech, MIT?
MIT. Yes.
Mississippi Institute of Technology, though.
Not the one you were thinking of.
Anyway, more to the current point,
uh, Mr. Brenner here
was the World Galaga Champion.
He knows everything
there is to know about this game.
So, what is it you and your orange shorts
barged in here to say?
Oh, just the Galaga that att*cked us,
that doesn't exist anymore.
Hello. You can download Galaga
on your phone for $ . .
Yeah, not this version though, Blue Lagoon.
The Galaga that exists now came out in .
But this is the arcade version.
And all those machines, they recalled them,
they reprogrammed them,
because there were glitches
in the original code.
You can see from the giant space bugs,
the way they come swoopin' in.
Kind of ziggy-zaggy.
Ziggy-zag? Is that the snobby term?
VIOLET: So someone
designed these space bugs
after an old out-of-print version
of a video game from years ago
that nobody would know today?
Does she really get to talk twice?
She's not even at the grown-ups table.
I'm sorry.
Is this a National Security Council meeting,
or a dorm-room drug party?
Our nation has just been att*cked
by an unknown m*llitary force.
If this gets out to the press
that we're pinning the blame
on some old computer game,
they'll not only mock you in the news,
Mr. President, they'd impeach you!
So I suggest the man in the orange shorts
leave the room immediately.
And those of us with long pants
and government positions
can discuss our options.
All right, Brenner. Do me a favor.
Take off, all right? I appreciate the help.
(MOUTHING) Bye!
Sorry, everybody. (STAMMERS)
Mr. President.
Generals and Admirals.
Guys in suits.
Zac Efron.
Gandalf,
and Harry Potter in the same room.
Imagine that.
Grandpa,
we'll see you around the, uh, nursing home.
Oh, uh, the sandwich guy is here.
Fooled you.
COMMENTATOR : (ON RADIO) Past the
shortstop into left center field for a single.
That's the second straight inning
where Washington has led off with a single.
COMMENTATOR : They're talking about
how he's standing straight up over the plate.
That seems to be working out for him,
'cause he just drove
that ball into the gap hard.
COMMENTATOR : First pitch
taken outside for a ball, - ,
and the - swung...
- Brenner!
- (SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(GROANING)
What's your problem, dude?
- What's goin' on?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, Brenner!
No, Brenner, no, no, no!
Stop! It's me! It's me! It's Ludlow!
It's Ludlow.
- Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid?
- Yeah.
How'd you get into my van?
I've been in there ever since
you went to that nice lady's house.
She's cute, by the way.
- What?
- Hey!
- What is that?
- This is moisturizer.
Show me what that is.
Chloroform?
Is that what that says?
You were gonna drug me?
- Only as a last resort.
- What are you...
- There was something I had to tell you.
- Why didn't you call me, then?
Because the CIA
has been tapping my phones
ever since I found out
the Zapruder film has been edited.
JFK sh*t first!
Ludlow, it is you!
- Hi, buddy! Let me look at you!
- Hey! Good to see you, my boy!
How are you? My goodness! Look at you!
- I know.
- Stayin' in shape!
I'm on an all protein diet,
but I'm also doing carbs.
- Good.
- But seriously, Brenner.
There's something I have to show you.
And let's just say
(WHISPERING) it's a game changer.
LUDLOW: You're the first guest I've had here.
Voluntarily.
That's a shocker.
If Lady Lisa was real,
she'd have about
restraining orders out on you.
Actually, I think if she was real,
things might just play out
a little bit differently.
- Hmm?
- You wanna know how I know that?
- Mmm.
- If She Was Real.
A book written and illustrated
by Ludlow Lamonsoff.
Oh, boy.
(GASPS)
You should sell that at Barnes & Unstable.
- Do you want a copy?
- No.
I have eight others.
Why am I here right now?
Why did you try to roofie me?
- Right. Thank you for reminding me.
- Uh-huh.
Okay. Follow me.
Earlier today, our m*llitary base in Guam
was att*cked by this guy, Galaga.
How would you know that?
I have a pen pal in Guam.
His name is Baubau.
Baubau was terribly frightened,
so I hacked into the government's servers
to assure Baubau that everything was okay.
But you know what?
- What?
- Everything was not okay.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- MICKEY: Ludlow!
Did you get me some diet root beer
while you were out?
- You remember my grandma.
- Sure.
She's still a character after all those years.
No, no, Grandma! It's funny.
I didn't get a chance to because, um...
Oh, what happened? Oh, I remember now.
(SCREAMING) I'm trying to save the world
from annihilation!
Are you nuts?
You cr*cker!
- Don't yell at me!
- (DOOR SLAMS)
So look, I know that sometimes people
think of me as a bit of a conspiracy nut.
Right.
But sometimes, Brenner, sometimes
the conspiracies are real.
Have you been playing Space Invaders
a lot lately?
I have. How did you know that?
'Cause you're invading my space. Back up.
Brenner, do you remember
when we were children,
and we played
in that video game championship?
Of course, buddy.
Do you remember how
there was a tape of the event
and all the games that were played
that was then put in a capsule
and sh*t out into the universe
- looking for extraterrestrial life?
- Mmm-hmm.
I have reason to believe
that some alien life force found that tape
and has sent down real-life versions
of what they saw
to att*ck us.
Brenner, I spent the day on chan
searching for messages
from the aliens to prove my theory.
- And you wanna know something?
- Tell me.
I came up absolutely empty.
So then, as a distraction, I got up
to try to watch an episode of One Tree Hill
that I recorded on my VCR last night.
I've been binge-watching to catch up.
And you don't have cable because...
Because the government spies on us
through our cable boxes, Brenner.
That's been proven.
And you don't want them to see you
dancin' around
in your underwear for Lady Lisa. I get it.
No, that tape was b*rned three months ago.
Anyway...
In the middle of the UHF broadcast,
something peculiar interrupted
Sophia Bush's sexy shenanigans.
No, you're the freak with the fat...
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Inhabitants of Earth,
we are a race from the planet Volula.
We came to you in these familiar Earth forms
to tell we received your vessel.
And in it, your hostile challenge.
We accept your offer to compete
in winner-take-all battles.
Gather your bravest warriors
to face our bravest warriors!
The winner takes the loser's planet.
You have already lost the first battle.
And for our victory, we have taken a trophy.
I'm okay, Mama.
I love you.
That's not the real Madonna!
You will get three lives.
You have two lives left.
Losing both will lead
to the total destruction of your planet.
The next battle is in hours
(VOICE DISTORTING)
at coordinates ° ' ".
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)
Okay, I got lost about halfway through.
Why does Madonna
wanna take over our planet?
These moron aliens think that
the footage NASA sent up to space
of us playing video games in
was a declaration of w*r.
Intergalactic w*r, Mr. President.
Isn't that crazy? Isn't that unpredictable?
Lud, listen.
You helped unscramble my Cinemax
when we were kids.
I think you can call me Chewie.
What do they mean by three lives?
What is that?
Uh-huh. If I may. See, that's just it.
It's like the video games of old,
Chewie Mr. President.
One quarter, three lives.
This is clearly not a quarter.
This is far more valuable. May I keep this?
- Put it back on the desk.
- LUDLOW: Fair enough.
We lost the first one, Galaga.
Two more losses and...
LUDLOW: It's game over.
Now, assuming that...
- You know what, that's not happening.
- Fair enough.
Assuming that Alien Madonna's numbers
are actually latitude and longitude,
then we can safely assume that
the next att*ck should happen somewhere
in Northern India tonight.
If you can get your guys from the NSA
to clean up the signal,
then we can pinpoint
exactly where the att*ck is gonna be,
and maybe even which game
they're gonna use to att*ck us.
- Right?
- I can't authorize a m*llitary response
based off a video that looks like
it was made by a couple high school kids.
You gotta at least warn the people of India
somethin' could be comin'.
The whole country thinks
I'm a buffoon right now as it is.
Look, I can't risk it, Brenner. I just can't!
(MAN SPEAKING HINDI)
So I guess we've been dating for almost
three years now.
Yes, almost three.
They have been the best years of my life.
...and I think
we have something very special.
Raj, is this what I think it is?
(CHUCKLES)
(TRUE PLAYING OVER SPEAKER)
(MAN SINGING IN THE STYLE
OF TRUE IN HINDI)
Will you marry me?
- (SCREAMING)
- (expl*si*n)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
Don't sweat the whole Taj Mahal thing.
It's probably better that there's only
an even six Wonders of the World now.
You know what? I get it. I screwed up.
It won't happen again. Shut up.
Good morning, Mr. President.
What's Radio Shack Robbie doing here?
And this other
fella.
Hi. Ludlow Lamonsoff.
We've actually met before,
but you wouldn't remember
because it was in the back of Brenner's van
and I was watching you through a window.
(SNIFFS) You smell so nice,
like the Book of Genesis.
Mr. Lamonsoff and Mr. Brenner
have agreed to share their video game
expertise with you and your team.
Happy to do it.
With all due respect, sir,
having civilians with zero security clearance
in this facility is...
These civilians have
better insight into our current crisis
than my entire administration.
I dunno if I wanna do it now.
She's being so mean.
- I kind of wanna leave.
- Okay.
- If he leaves, I leave. We're a team.
- Stop it.
- This is how it's gonna be the whole time?
- Guys, knock it off. Lead the way.
Of course, Mr. President.
(DOOR BUZZES)
So have we made any progress, Colonel?
Enormous progress, sir.
We now understand the entities
that att*cked us were made of energy.
Intelligent energy.
- Morning, Colonel.
- Good morning, Michael.
Michael's a robot!
I think maybe the extraterrestrials
took what they saw in the orbiter
and recreated the same things
using light energy.
And then sent these light creatures
back at us.
That's why solid matter, b*ll*ts and missiles,
won't harm them.
Can anything harm them?
Maybe.
The cubes we recovered in Guam
are normally pretty feisty.
BRENNER: Hey, look at that!
COOPER: Whoa!
Oh, he didn't like it though.
(GASPS)
But they calm down pretty quick
when we hit them with
some super-charged light particles.
And the slut-seeking m*ssile,
I'd love to see that.
- Do you have that around here?
- You are so smart.
Yeah? You think so?
Is that how you got into
the Mississippi Institute of Technology?
You know,
I wish I never went in that closet with you.
I was very happy
drinking and crying by myself.
I so regret trying to kiss you.
I would kiss the guy in the yacht times
before I kissed you.
- Moving on.
- Yeah.
We have begun instructing
the Navy SEAL task force
on the use of the prototype weapons.
PORTER: What do we train for?
SEALS: w*r!
- Why do we fight?
- To win!
- When do we quit?
- Never!
- What do we train for?
- w*r!
- Why do we fight?
- To win!
- When do we quit?
- Never!
Perhaps our new expert advisors
would like to say a few words to the SEALs.
Oh, boy.
Men, you have served this nation
with distinction,
in combat zones, in every nook and cranny
of this godforsaken world,
defeating every enemy they've thrown at you.
(WHISPERING) Hey, what's up?
Brenner?
- I couldn't get a babysitter.
- Oh.
The President has brought in
these two civilian Arcaders
who we are required to listen to
for seconds,
starting...
I can't do this.
- You can do this.
- Uh, no.
...now!
I can't do this. I'm gonna throw up!
We know how to do this. They don't.
Just act the part.
Hey, guys.
How are you? Hey, thank you, General Zod,
for that beautiful intro.
Hey, uh, fellas. Good to see you.
Um...
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Sam Brenner.
And this is the Wonder Kid, also known as...
Your worst nightmare!
Looks to me, Brenner,
like someone forgot to send us
the best of the best.
Oops.
And instead,
dropped off a bunch of incontinent,
adult diaper-wearing,
candy-assed, cries-himself-to-sleep,
women-baby-man-people!
What am I lookin' at right now?
Are you guys soldiers?
Or the cast of Magic Mike?
You gonna fight? Or dance naked?
From now on,
you maggots, you little girl maggots...
Whatever the hell
the female form of maggot is.
Magina?
You magina!
When you magina poop your pants,
you're gonna be thinking of me!
In your pants!
You know what I mean.
(LAUGHING)
Do you feel me?
Do you feel me, sailor?
You beautiful Nubian man!
You gorgeous specimen
of what God can make!
Do you feel me?
I think you're about to feel him, Lud.
I can't move.
Lemme help you. Hey, come here.
Sorry. Don't touch the guy. Just sit down.
- Did I do good?
- You did awful.
Sit down.
Sorry about that, everybody.
I know it's weird.
Two buffoons like me and this guy
giving advice to you badasses.
But the truth is we've been training.
Since childhood, we've been training
our prefrontal cortex
to perform extremely complex motor feats
with hand-eye coordination
unique to a very specific cognitive acuity.
I learned a lot of big words
at the dorm-room drug parties.
All of it's been meaningless
in all areas of our life.
But suddenly, it might be comin' in handy
to saving our planet.
So we're hopin' you guys can forget about us
bein' civilian morons,
and let us teach you a few things
in the little time we have.
I think we might help you win this thing.
BRENNER: There is only
one objective in Asteroids.
That is to destroy every rock
and every saucer.
You don't wanna get hit
by any of these boulders.
That's why I recommend
stayin' in the middle.
Just 'cause you see a hammer
doesn't mean grab it.
You're not gonna climb a ladder
with a hammer in your hand.
- Very good.
- Good piloting, Maverick!
(GRUNTS)
Don't lock into radar.
Okay, it's fine, son. It's fine.
You just blew up our entire planet.
Ain't no way Inky's catching up to you!
I want you to focus mostly on the ships.
Every , points,
you get another triangle ship.
That's a good thing.
(ARCADE GAME PINGING)
Damn.
He's still the master.
COOPER: This is just like
when we were dating.
JANE: Aw.
COOPER: No distractions, just us.
(CHUCKLES) And cake.
Whoa, Big Man. Settle down there
with that butterscotch frosting.
What? Too much? Well, you know what?
You're really not gonna like what I do
with the rainbow sprinkles.
- Come on now! No! I love it!
- Will! No!
Here comes the sprinkle monster!
- (GROWLING)
- (CHUCKLING)
Mr. President.
(MUFFLED) Yes, Jennifer.
We just received an alien transmission
from the "Where's the Beef?" lady.
(STUTTERS) What did she say?
First of all, she asked where the beef was.
Then she said that the next battle
was on at sundown tomorrow.
' " latitude. ' " longitude.
Where is that?
Go! Go! Go! Move! Move! Move!
(GRUNTS)
Clear the area!
The lot of ya, come on! Move it!
I said, move it!
- What's all this then, mate?
- Hey, I got this. Hi.
We're Americans.
Our Navy SEALs were given permission
by your government
to prepare for an extraterrestrial invasion,
which we believe will occur at these
coordinates in approximately minutes.
We're sh**t' a beer commercial.
Oh, right, then. Break a leg, then, yeah?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that, man? Why'd you lie to him?
I'm trying not to cause total panic, Yank.
And, you...
I don't want to hear another word out of you.
All right?
You walkin' wiener coat.
What's a wiener coat?
(SIRENS BLARING)
Madam Prime Minister, I can't thank you
enough for your cooperation on this.
But of course, Will.
Well, I trust with the concord of our powers
we can duff up the jiggery-pokery
of these blighters
and send them scuffering back
to the fractious firmament
from whence they came!
I know, right?
Bang on!
(CHUCKLING)
(SOFTLY) No idea what she just said.
I just wanna touch it.
Easy with those light cannons, gentlemen.
We don't have any backups.
These ray g*ns gonna work, Van Patten?
We had no way to field-test them, sir.
But our computer models show
a great likelihood of effectiveness.
"Great likelihood"? You're sending my men
into battle with untested ordnance?
I had two days to do things
never done before on this planet, sir.
Just remember who you're talking to, missy.
HILL: All right!
Anybody who doesn't need to be here,
follow me to the support area.
That means you two nipple-twisters.
Move it!
Hey, Colonel. Don't worry.
They're gonna work.
The US m*llitary was att*cked
and what does President Cooper do?
His critics say, "Nothing."
That's not strictly true. He made a cake.
No, because I'm the sprinkle monster!
- You are my sprinkle monster!
- (GROWLING)
(COOPER CHUCKLING ON TV)
- Let's put that on pause, Sean.
- Thank you.
- Turn it off.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Apologies, Will.
Just wanted to spend some quality time
with the wife.
Oh, I understand.
My husband actually said that we don't
spend time together like we used to,
so I took him to one of those, um,
do-it-yourself pottery studios.
And he made me a
"World's Sexiest Prime Minister" coffee mug.
Well, maybe he sees somethin' that
nobody else does, you know. (CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Anything, Colonel Van Patten?
It's eerily quiet, Mr. President.
In case it's Space Invaders,
I just thought of something I should tell...
Please return to the support area!
Okay, but there's a plus formation,
all right?
If we need ya, we know where to find ya.
All right?
Now, bugger off.
Bloody geek.
It's Centipede.
Okay, boys! Do exactly what we talked about!
sh**t each centipede from the head down!
Do not hit him in the middle
or he will split into two!
No! No!
Didn't we just say don't split him in half?
sh**t for the head!
The mushroom things are in the way!
You sh**t the mushroom things!
Like the game!
Guys, every time he hits a mushroom,
he's gonna change direction!
My God! Will you please find the pattern
and anticipate!
I don't know the patterns!
Sergeant Duff! o'clock!
(GROWLING)
(GROANING)
(GASPS)
(SNARLING)
What the hell kind of
beer commercial is this?
If I say it's a beer commercial,
it's a bloody beer commercial.
Get your flabby ass back here, Yank!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Shock and awe, baby!
High score, alien trash!
You messed with the wrong planet!
From Land's End to John o'Groats!
- What the hell are you saying?
- I don't know!
(BRENNER GRUNTS)
Hey, Ludlow! Grab a light cannon!
Get out here now! I need your help!
Me? No! Look at me! I look delicious!
They'll gobble me up like space dim sum!
(PIXELS CLICKING)
BRENNER: It's level two!
We're the only ones who can do this!
Come on! You're the Wonder Kid!
You have no authority
to dispense weapons here, Mr. Brenner!
Mr. President?
Let the nerds take over.
VIOLET: What was that, sir?
Let the nerds take over!
Let the nerds take over!
Brenner's right.
I am the Wonder Kid.
(WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND PLAYING)
Everyone's watching to see what you will do
Everyone's looking at you, oh
This is the best, huh?
I've never been happier and more alive!
(BRENNER LAUGHING)
Everyone's trying to get it right
Get it right
Everybody's working for the weekend
(PINGING)
Everybody wants a new romance
(SCREAMING)
Everybody's going off the deep end
Okay. You can let go of each other now.
Everybody needs a second chance
Oh
You want a piece of my heart?
All right, you finish that. I'll finish this.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
It's been years since I kicked your butt,
and it's gonna happen again!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
With the arms!
Let's take it forward.
Then take it back.
- Enjoy it!
- BRENNER: Hey!
Come here!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
You little... (GRUNTS)
Who are you, mister?
Son, I'm just a loser
who's good at old video games.
Well, thank God for that.
- Drinks are on the US government!
- (ALL CHEERING)
Which is covering up the truth
about the ancient pyramid
under the Hoover Dam!
You know, you're all right, Brenner.
You're all right too, snobby.
You gonna nurse that all night long,
or when are you gonna start hittin' it?
We ding up a few foreign belligerents,
beer is fine.
We defeat a full-on alien invasion,
I'm thinking something a little stronger.
- Mmm-hmm.
- No.
You're really challenging me
to drink you under the table?
- You got it.
- Oh!
I'm not so sure you can, buddy.
I was the vodka sh*t record holder
in my class at West Point.
Well, one time I drank
milkshakes at Denny's,
so we'll see what happens.
- Where are my gamers at, huh?
- (CHEERING)
Looks like all the time you wasted
when we were kids is finally payin' off.
- Yeah, baby.
- All right, huh?
Sir, may I have the honor
of pouring you a frosty?
The President can't be seen drinking
during times of crisis.
So nobody look!
- That's it. Look away!
- (ALL CHEERING)
MR. ROARKE ON TV:
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Inhabitants of Earth.
Congratulations, you have won this battle.
Please accept one of our warriors
as a trophy of your victory.
(LAUGHING)
(BARKING)
Aw.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
The next challenge will not be as easy.
The details will be sent
via this signal shortly.
Remember,
we are still leading two battles to one.
One more loss for you
will mean the annihilation of your world.
Good luck and may the best planet win.
COOPER: Well, you heard 'em.
Let's get back to work.
We gotta get you guys
ready for your next battle.
Battle? Us? Huh?
This is like a regular thing now?
Remember when I told you that
you were meant for something more in life?
Yeah.
This could be it, buddy.
There's nobody better than you.
LUDLOW: Well,
(INHALES SHARPLY) not at every game.
No. No! Never gonna happen.
You know, he's right, Brenner.
We don't even know where to find that idiot!
(SIRENS WAILING)
VIOLET: Eddie Plant.
Married and divorced four times,
declared bankruptcy in and .
In , he was caught
hacking cell phone companies
and adding one of those fees you see
on your bill every month,
- but have no idea what it is.
- What an idiot.
Made about million
before he was convicted and sentenced
to years in prison.
Guards, get me outta here.
It's that mean Centipede k*ller.
I hope he don't zap me with his space g*n.
How are you, Eddie?
'Sup, Second Place?
Oh! And your sidekick here,
Presi-donut.
I didn't know you can have
an approval rating so catatastrophic.
- Okay, look, Eddie, here's what we need.
- EDDIE: I know what you need.
You need the Fire Blaster.
Who's the Fire Blaster?
Me. That's my nickname, sugar buns.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
The one you made up for yourself.
Yeah. Who cares who made it up?
It's totally tubular!
Yeah.
See, this is why I don't think
I can have Brenner on my team.
He's just not really a gamer.
Break out a bag of quarters. Pick a game.
I'll destroy you at it.
Oh, I'll pick a game, all right.
(GIBBERING)
- Okay. I'm leaving.
- No, no, no. Hey, here, come on.
Sit down.
Okay, in exchange for helping us,
I will personally speak to the parole board
about reducing your sentence.
- Pass.
- Pass?
That deal don't work for Eddie Plant.
You want the Fire Blaster's help,
he has some demands.
Demands?
The Bifocal Blaster is here, by the way.
I want an island.
Oh, my God.
There are , named islands
that are part of the United States
and its territories.
Not to mention
all the countless unnamed ones,
like the soon-to-be-called Edwahii.
Mmm. You're not getting an island.
Then I want a full pardon.
I wanna get outta here for good.
And after I do,
I don't wanna pay no taxes like,
forever.
And no sales tax.
If I wanna buy some, for instance, gum,
I wanna flash me a card
that says "I saved the world."
I don't have to pay
no shitballs taxes on the gum.
And I want a stealth-att*ck helicopter,
like they fly over the Super Bowl
at my disposal, at all times.
You know, so I can fly around.
If the world's still here,
I don't wanna deal with traffic no more.
And lastly,
I want you to set up a romantic rendezvous
between me,
Serena Williams and Martha Stewart
in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Number one. You're not getting a helicopter
or any sort of flying or driving vehicle.
Number two.
I'm pretty sure the federal government
could do without your income taxes
and be fine.
And number three.
If you help us b*at these things,
I think we can get you outta here.
And the Martha-Serena sandwich?
Pick one of 'em. We'll set up a coffee.
Serena Williams. And we are closed.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Hello?
I understand.
It's happening tonight.
Where?
New York City.
Oh! Fuhgeddaboutit!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (CHUCKLING)
Hello, Big Apple.
- The cavalry has arrived.
- (PEOPLE CHEERING)
Thanks for comin'.
We saw how you guys
took care of the centipedes.
We hope you can do the same for us.
We hope so also.
Well, what are we dealin' with?
Over here.
Rookie, just tell 'em what you saw.
It was awful.
It was like one of those monster movies,
you know?
But this time
(WHISPERING) the monster was real.
And who was this monster?
Pac-Man.
Pac-Man? Boom. That's my jam.
Let's get us some light cannons
and blow this sucker back
to whatever planet it came from.
No! No, light cannons don't k*ll Pac-Man.
Those little ghosts do.
Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.
You want ghosts?
She's got ghosts.
We used the energy force-field technology
from the cube
to develop four mini-generators
for each of the cars.
Ghosts.
We're calling them XM att*ck modules.
- (WHISTLES)
- Okay and we're callin' 'em Mini Ghosts
'cause we'll never remember
what you just said.
Why are there four of 'em?
There's only three of us. Who's our fourth?
May I introduce to you
Professor Toru Iwatani.
The creator of Pac-Man.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
You speak Japanese?
No.
Sir, what an honor.
Thanks for all the joy
you brought to our lives.
Awesome.
I made your game my bitch.
What is a
"bitch"?
Don't worry about it. He's a criminal.
(SEATBELT CLICKS)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Okay, now, assuming they play by the rules
of the game like they did with Centipede,
if you guys hit Pac-Man three times
with this energy field, we win.
Ludlow's right. You do smell good.
- Good luck.
- Yeah.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Gentlemen, I'll be sending
Pac-Man's current coordinates
to each of your car's GPSes.
Let's locate and eliminate.
Come on, guys.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Pac-Man's a bad guy?
(MAN GRUNTS)
Pac-Man is not bad!
I created him to bring joy
to all the people of the world.
They have brainwashed him!
Deep down, he's kind, gentle.
Someone you can tell your troubles to
or grab a hamburger with.
You'll see.
Professor Iwatani, get back in the car!
Professor Iwatani, what are you doin'?
I will talk to him. He's my son!
No, that's a bad idea.
Hello,
my sweet little boy.
Look how big you've grown!
I'm so proud of you.
It's so sweet. He's so sweet.
But all these destructive things
you're doing,
it's wrong.
I'm your father.
I know
you're a good boy.
(BEEPS)
(SCREAMING)
No!
Somebody k*ll this stupid bitch!
That was some twisted
Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff right there.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
All right, losers!
- It's three on one.
- (ENGINE REVVING)
Let's hit it.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
Pac-Man's faster than I remember.
Pac-Man's always been faster
than the ghosts.
We're gonna have to outmaneuver his ass.
(STRAINED GRUNTING)
EDDIE: Wonderfro,
you and Silver Medal break off.
I'll stay with Big Yellow.
(GAME PINGING)
VIOLET: Whoa, Eddie,
how did you do that so fast?
'Cause I'm the champ, Lieutenant Long Legs.
(SIREN WAILING)
Nope!
What's up?
Oh, yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Good one, Eddie.
(EXHALES)
BRENNER OVER RADIO: One down.
Two to go!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
All right, Pac-Man Number Two
just regenerated four streets away
headed northbound.
Turn east at the next intersection.
Brenner, go straight.
Got it.
- VIOLET: Ludlow, go left.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
Eddie, at the next intersection, turn left.
LUDLOW: We got him!
He's got nowhere to go!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, God. No!
"Oh, God. No," what?
He ate the power pellet.
Pac-Man's got seconds
where he can eat us.
Why me?
Oh, God. Don't eat me,
don't eat me, don't eat me.
Please, please, don't eat me!
(SCREAMING)
Guys! Help!
I'm gonna die a virgin!
(SCREAMING)
Why are you doing this to me?
You've been brainwashed!
You're a good boy!
Ludlow, run! Pump your legs! Go, baby!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Attaboy, Eddie!
(CHUCKLES) You just got fire-blasted, sucka.
Uh-huh.
(THUDS)
(SIGHS) What?
How the hell did he get over there so fast?
Way to go, champ.
Aren't you glad you sprung me,
Second Place?
Yeah, thrilled.
One more to go and it's happy hour.
So I guess they're just leaving me here.
Now it's time for the hat trick.
(SCREAMING)
Wow!
Brenner, it's on you.
There are still three other
power pellets out there.
So stay alert.
I got this.
If I don't,
the world ends.
Can't let that happen.
Come on, Brenner. Come on.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Brenner, he's leading you directly
towards one of the power pellets.
Get out of there.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
One.
What the hell is he doing?
Two.
VIOLET: Damn it, Brenner.
I have a son who I'd like to see grow up.
Three. You'll see your boy grow up.
Four.
Brenner, get out! He's going to eat you!
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (PAC-MAN POWERING DOWN)
(ALL CHEERING)
You did it! Brenner! That's the one, baby!
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: He's over here!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(HORN BLARING)
(INAUDIBLE)
WOMAN: Fire Blaster, I love you!
LUDLOW: Hey, guys!
Sorry. Coming through.
I'm one of tonight's heroes. Sorry.
Hey!
(SOFTLY) Hey.
Check it out.
I think I might have found our next trophy.
(MUMBLING)
It's Q*bert.
Yeah, I know! I know.
Can I k*ll it?
No!
Let's get to know him a little bit.
Ask him some questions.
And then we'll k*ll him.
Huh?
- I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him.
- Q*BERT: Bye.
- Mr. President!
- Mr. President!
- Yes, Hal.
- HAL: Mr. President,
your approval ratings have tripled
since this crisis began.
Do you feel the heretofore sanguine causata
are tracking toward
an auspicious denouement?
REPORTER: Oh, shut up, Hal.
You're just using big words
to try to make him look like an idiot.
We love you, Mr. President.
Thank you for saving us.
Please, don't thank me.
It's Sam Brenner and his team who have
brought us here to the brink of victory.
And we understand
you're holding a soirée in their honor.
Is that a good idea when another att*ck
may be imminent?
COOPER: No need to worry.
They will have their Arcader uniforms on
underneath their tuxes,
ready to go at a moment's notice.
And for the record, Hal,
I happen to know
what several of those big words meant.
I drank a few cold sanguines
on my last trip to México.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Bite on that, Hal!
ALL: (CHANTING) You! You! You! You! You!
(TURNS TV OFF)
I don't know what would be worse.
Them failing,
or them actually pulling this off.
WOMAN: What was that, Jim?
Can you shut up for five seconds?
We need to increase the rate of fire.
Now you already calculated
that in your beautiful mind, didn't you?
BRENNER: There's no
rhyme or reason to this game.
I mean, where are the patterns?
He just att*cks out of left field.
Patterns? Is that why you were so good
with Pac-Man and Centipede?
You memorized the patterns?
Yeah. Only way to b*at these things.
Count the b*ll*ts, calculate the speed,
crunch the numbers.
Where's the fun in that?
Oh, boy. Why? What do you do?
You gotta pretend you're the guy
and you don't wanna die.
Yeah, that sounds cool,
but it's not gonna work every time.
Well, that's why you have your reset button.
Yeah, we didn't have those growin' up.
Most violent game I've ever seen.
I don't think it's healthy for you.
It's fine. I can handle it.
No, I'm not talkin' to you.
I'm talkin' to homeboy.
(SHIVERING) So much blood!
Yeah. Hey. You know what'll cheer you up?
- A cheese ball.
- Q*BERT: Yep.
Huh?
Come on, suck one up.
- (GULPS)
- Take a handful.
That was smooth.
(CHUCKLING) That was very smooth.
You know, we should get him some exercise.
Maybe throw him
on the trampoline for a little bit?
Q*BERT: Trampoline!
Trampoline! Trampoline!
Okay. How about me and him do that
while you go ask my mom
to the ball tomorrow night?
Unfortunately,
I'm not attracted to your mother.
Q*BERT: Bullcrap.
You're right, I am. Okay.
Here. Finish these.
- You're gettin' chubby.
- (Q*BERT CHUCKLES)
- Hi.
- (Q*BERT WHOOPING)
Hi.
So...
So...
Q*BERT: Whoo!
(LAUGHING)
Sorry!
Q*BERT: Again! Again! Again! Again!
So I'm feeling obligated to make
an appearance at that thing tomorrow night.
I was wondering, when you got there,
if possibly you'd like to hang out with me
while I was there?
- Like a date?
- Like a date, but...
- Ooh!
- Yeah.
I dunno about that.
I'm a snob. I have mental problems, so...
Well, you know, you are and you do,
but I'm willin' to overlook that
for the evening.
Okay.
- You will?
- Mmm-hmm.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Three, four.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thanks.
Nice welcome, for a change, huh?
Bring it down, Travolta. Bring it down.
They love the Big Man!
Good to see the respect, pal.
Well, lookie here, Serena.
They threw me a big party to thank me
for savin' the world.
And you get to stand next to me all night.
- MAN: Champagne, sir?
- Thanks.
- They promised me an island if I did this.
- Ah.
I'm dying to meet Sam's new ladyfriend.
She's nothin'.
It's just a little hangin' out thing.
Yeah, right.
Is she pretty, Will?
Uh, define pretty.
I mean, you're pretty. (CHUCKLES)
- Extremely pretty.
- Thank you.
She, I think, in the classical sense
of the word, is certainly... I mean, I feel...
- Brenner, help me out here.
- No, you're doing great.
- Keep going.
- Okay.
Uh, You know, she, for
m*llitary personnel, certainly.
I mean...
You're the First Lady,
she's a .
Hey, Brenner.
Q*BERT: Hey, Brenner.
Excuse me for a second.
Come on, Matty. Let's dance!
You look nice in a tux.
Green's officially my favorite color now.
I have a question for you.
President said I'm on call tonight,
so I can only have half a beer.
Um...
I know you like drinkin' out of sippy cups,
but wanna split a bottle with me?
- (SNIFFS)
- What happened?
- You brushed your teeth.
- Yes! Yes.
All right. Lead the way.
You got it.
(SINGING) Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
So let's hear about Sinnamon.
What does she look like?
- Oh, God. Are you kidding?
- I wanna know.
She's a husband-stealing Pilates teacher.
She's hot!
- Uh-huh.
- And limber.
That doesn't matter.
Yes! Actually, it does.
She's not perfect, though, right?
Girls like that who steal husbands,
they always got one thing wrong with them.
Come on.
- Her forehead's too big?
- (CHUCKLES) No.
- Mole on the chin?
- No.
- Two different nostrils?
- No!
She's flawless.
She is.
I mean, her eyes.
Okay, her eyes are a little far apart.
Kind of looks like a flounder.
- There it is! Good.
- (CHUCKLES)
So tonight, your dopey ex-husband's
gonna be lookin' into those eyes and sayin',
"What kind of choice did I make?
"I used to stare into the most beautiful eyes
I've ever seen,
"and now I'm stuck starin'
at the Filet o' Fish sandwich."
Did you just say I have beautiful eyes?
While insulting the other chick.
Wow. That is really,
really, really, really good.
Thank you.
Can I have some of that? No?
I thought we were splitting it.
Hooyah!
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
(FEEDBACK)
They wanna rule
Why do they act so mean?
You know, everybody's like,
"Brenner this" and "Brenner that."
But make no mistake,
Fire Blaster's the leader of this crew.
Who's the Fire Blaster again?
Me, Serena!
All right, lemme just cut to the chase here.
Fire Blaster's been in prison for eight years.
He hasn't been with a woman since ' .
You're in for the time of your life.
You even think about touching me,
I'm gonna smack you through the wall.
Mmm. I'd have it no other way.
Should've gone with Martha Stewart.
At least then, I'd have a tasty panini
cooked for me or some sh*t.
So, what are you gonna do after all this?
You gonna go back to the Nerd Brigade?
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Probably. I mean...
What else would I do?
I mean, it just seems like
someone with your skills,
you'd be better off inventing technology
rather than installing it.
No, of course.
I would love to do somethin' different.
You know, I had my sh*t
when I was a kid in the arcades.
But
(CLICKS TONGUE) I blew it.
Yeah, I always think maybe my life
would've been different.
Any time I'm getting on a roll,
or I feel like everything's going great,
that giant ape throws another barrel at me.
But it's all good. Don't worry.
Hooyah.
Hooyah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am proud to introduce a special message
to the Arcaders from the students of PS
in New York City.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
CHOIR KIDS: New York was in trouble.
Pac-Man caused a ruckus.
But the Arcaders saved us.
'Cause they're bad mother...
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
People of Earth,
you have violated
the rules of warfare, dudes.
Violated the rules?
Because of this,
you forfeit and your planet is now ours.
Dudes, in hours, we'll commence with
the all-out destruction of Earth.
After that, we will sing this
about your precious planet.
(SINGING) She's gone
I'd better learn how to face...
- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)
- What the heck are they talkin' about?
Where you goin', Fire Blaster?
Oh, hey, kid. Uh...
I told Serena
I needed to get some air, you know?
Only known her half an hour
and she's already like,
"Mrs. Fire Blaster this. Mrs. Fire Blaster that."
A cop fished these out of the East River
the night you fell in.
I was gonna give 'em back to you,
but I saw some interesting things
written on the inside of the lenses.
The Pac-Man cheat code for super-speed.
- You're a cheater.
- So what?
I used cheat codes back in the day
to help me dominate.
So I figured, why not use it for the big show.
And it worked.
You've been a cheater your whole life?
No.
Only since I was .
That's how I b*at your boy Brenner
at the World Championship. Oh, yeah.
(TAKES SUNGLASSES)
I owe everything I have
to these bitchin' shades.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
(STUTTERS) I thought we obeyed every rule.
Ya thought wrong, civilian!
We squandered our one chance on you!
A hi-fi repair man.
But I swear...
But nothin'! You heard Hall & Oates!
You blew it!
I've seen your files.
You've never accomplished
a damn thing in your entire life.
Brenner won two battles, Admiral.
That's two more than you.
PORTER: I wouldn't get
smart with me, Colonel.
You were all over this sideshow that did
nothing but waste valuable time.
Sometimes I wonder if you're not working
for the Martians yourself!
Drop dead, Admiral.
You're done.
All right. Hey, guys! That's enough. Listen.
- (DEEP RUMBLING)
- We tried something. It didn't work.
(WOMAN SHRIEKING)
What is that?
Matty!
(SCREAMING)
Matty!
I can't believe they took Matty as a trophy.
I am so sorry.
Well, there's gotta be somethin' we can do.
Where's Eddie?
Eddie. Yeah. He crawled into a hole.
We'll never see him again.
Chewie won't take my calls.
Violet got the boot. We're on our own, guys.
This feels like my planet.
No fun. No laughter. Only w*r.
Wait.
Wait a second. Q*bert is from there.
He knows all their secrets.
Q*BERT: We were once a happy planet.
Before you threatened us.
But we didn't thr*aten you!
You saw footage of old games.
They do not know they are games.
Well, why don't you tell them that, Q*bert,
and stop them?
Q*BERT: It's too late.
And now the mothership is creating
millions of video-game warriors
to destroy your planet.
Look, all we have to do is get inside
the mothership and try to stop them.
We can rescue Matty while we're up there.
Up there. You wanna go up there?
I don't know about that.
You know, they took away our light cannons.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
We have something better
than light cannons.
We have a positive can-do attitude.
Q*BERT: Ah.
I'm kidding. We are all gonna die.
I'm just...
Sorry.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Are you sure we wanna do this?
I mean, maybe we could just find
another planet to live on.
BRENNER: Shut up, dude.
We're gettin' on that ship.
And the only way to do that is
to get directly under it.
Q*BERT: That's the only way in.
(ARCADE GAMES PINGING)
(BEEPS)
Q*BERT: Oh!
Arcaders are comin'! Don't worry!
Come on! Come on! Come on! Go!
Stay with me!
(BEEPS)
(BEEPS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Nobody's better at the crane game than me.
Chewie?
What's with the disguise, buddy?
They tried to take me
to some underground bunker,
so I went rogue.
Oh, yeah!
Wonder Kid, you gotta stay on the ground.
These people need protection.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, live long, laugh much, love often.
Yeah.
That's it.
No.
Back it up.
Thanks for bein' my friend.
'Course, buddy. I love ya.
Now go kick some ass.
Mr. President, may I have a light cannon?
(SINGING) La la la la la la
Sing a happy song
Ooh.
La la la la la la
Don't tell anyone I k*lled a Smurf.
(BIDDY BANDITS EXCLAIMING)
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
Hey!
Get away from those kids now!
Please?
(BIDDY BANDITS EXCLAIMING)
- LUDLOW: Hey!
- (EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS ECSTATICALLY)
I spent most of my formative years
trying to figure out a way to bring you to life
all Weird Science-style.
I used every birthday wish,
every : on the clock,
every little chicken wishbone I could find,
and ladybug.
I prayed for this.
Oh.
But apparently, you don't feel the same.
(Q*BERT GRUNTING)
BRENNER: Okay. We're
under it, Q*bert. Now what?
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Q*bert the traitor
and his cheating friends.
Come to beg for a second chance?
You're in luck.
The boss wants to meet ya in person.
So come on up!
If you defeat him, you save your planet
and destroy our warriors.
But if you lose...
(LAUGHS MANICALLY)
See you on the other side.
(LUDLOW GRUNTS)
You are so powerful, just as I...
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
You win!
I'm not gonna fight you anymore, okay?
I know that you have love in your heart,
and I know that I could make you happy,
but if you need to k*ll me,
then you're just gonna have to go ahead
and k*ll me.
At least I can die a happy man
knowing that I found true love.
(CHILDREN CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
And I couldn't even get a handshake
from Serena Williams.
Well, well, well.
Didn't think I'd see you again.
I had to prove to myself and to the world
that I could do this without cheating.
Wait, you cheated?
Moving on.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
You gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?
Fiancée.
Where are we, Q*bert? What is this place?
I don't know.
But I'm scared.
Great.
(DISTANT THUDDING)
What is that noise?
- (BRENNER GRUNTS)
- What the hell was that?
(GROWLS)
Donkey Kong.
The one game you suck at.
Yeah.
- (GROWLING)
- MATTY: Mom, up here!
Matty!
Mom!
Where the hell is my mama?
We're coming for you, honey!
(GROWLS)
Q*BERT: Oh, no.
(SHUDDERING)
LUDLOW: There's too many of them!
This way!
Only one way to b*at this game. Jump!
Up the ladder! Fast!
Incoming!
VIOLET: Oh!
(Q*BERT GRUNTING)
(VIOLET GRUNTS)
Q*bert! Look out!
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh!
Q*bert!
BRENNER: I can't do this. There's no pattern.
Pretend you're the guy
and you don't wanna die.
(GRUNTS)
I don't wanna die!
I couldn't even b*at Eddie Plant!
Eddie Plant's a cheater!
That's why he was so good in New York.
He used cheat codes.
He did the same thing to you
when you were kids.
You know what that means, right?
I'm the Donkey Kong champion of the world.
And the Donkey Kong champion of the world
doesn't need patterns.
Reset button.
(WE WILL ROCK YOU
VONLICHTEN PLAYING)
Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playing in the street
gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
BRENNER: Freeze, Chewie!
Kickin' your can all over the place
- Singin'
- We will, we will rock you
Brenner!
We will, we will rock you
(CHEERS PLAYFULLY)
Mom, Mom! Q*bert's not dead!
Q*BERT: Help me! Help me!
Nah, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Matty.
Mom!
Q*BERT: Please.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
What? No!
No!
We will rock you
Violet, get outta there!
(GRUNTS)
Look out!
We will, we will rock you
LUDLOW: We're trapped!
We will, we will rock you
Brenner!
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
Here, grab onto my mighty hammer.
(GRUNTING)
(BRENNER GRUNTING)
You loved saying that.
Yes, I did.
Brenner!
Whatever you're doing, please hurry up!
I've been waitin' to do this since .
(GROWLS)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Yeah!
Yeah! Yes!
Q*BERT: (SINGSONG) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Matty! Oh, God!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
You were so awesome down there!
You're my second favorite president.
You know Obama's still my man, right?
Oh, okay.
Hey! We won!
No more taxes!
(EDDIE CHUCKLES)
We did it, baby!
We did it.
No.
No. No!
Lady Lisa!
No!
Eddie, never thought I'd see you again.
Brenner, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for
cheatin' back in the day when we was kids,
and for cheatin' again
more recently. (CHUCKLES)
I'm not goin' back to prison for that, am I?
No, but you need to admit to Brenner
that he's the best in the world.
(SCOFFS) Eh, no way.
Prison.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Brenner,
you are the best
in the world
at (CLEARS THROAT) the Donkey Kong.
That's right. I am.
Ludlow. What's the matter, buddy?
I finally had the one thing I wanted
and now I'm back to being all alone.
Lady Lisa, she made an appearance.
And while you guys were out, you know,
savin' the world, you kind of destroyed his.
Oh, that's horrible.
It's just, how come he gets to stay?
Why are you still here?
I'm sorry.
Q*bert's a trophy.
And I guess we get to keep the trophies.
Yeah.
(SNIFFLES)
Q*BERT: Aw.
(MUMBLING)
Q*bert, what is it?
Aw.
Wait, no one else is weirded out by this?
That was just Q*bert.
- REPORTER: Mr. President! Please!
- Yes, Renee.
RENEE: Mr. President, are we out of danger?
Yes. In fact, I am pleased to announce
I have brokered a peace treaty
with the alien invaders.
This peace is due to, and only due to
the bravery of the Arcaders,
who, against all odds,
stepped up and saved us all.
Eddie Plant,
Ludlow Lamonsoff,
Sam Brenner,
and Lieutenant Colonel Violet Van Patten
are American heroes.
World heroes.
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
"World hero"?
I guess you're not a nerd anymore.
You don't want me to stop being a nerd, ever.
(CHUCKLES) Why is that?
'Cause like I said,
nerds are the greatest kissers.
I'll be the judge of that.
(SURRENDER PLAYING)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Mother told me
Yes, she told me
That I'd meet girls like you
She also told me
Stay away
You'll never know what you'll catch
Just the other day I heard
of a soldier's falling off
Some Indonesian junk that's going round
Mommy's all right, daddy's all right
They just seem a little weird
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away
Hey, hey
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
LUDLOW: Hey, kids. Daddy's home.
- Q*BERT BABY : Daddy!
- Q*BERT BABY : Daddy! Daddy!
- Dad! Dad!
- Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
(GAME ON PLAYING)
This is not a game now
Nobody can save you
Spent up all your change
And now your turn is done
We won't be afraid
'cause we're the ones who made you
Knock you out the frame
We won't stop until you're gone
Game on
Game on
Assassin, soldier and a captain
Feel the passion,
no compassion, but I'm askin'
You say you ready, well, I'm attackin'
A predator in my competitors this second
I'm never lackin'
Boy, I'm ready for that action
That was braggin'
Man, what happened to you has-beens?
It's amazin' all the places
and the people faces
Ah, bought the tour bus like a spaceship
I'm racin' against nothin' but time
Probably wouldn't be so lost
if you was watchin' the signs
They gon' play me like a PlayStation
from playin' on that station
But I'm a be the face of a generation
Kids wit' no patience or directions
Never doubt or question my effort
Game on, game on
Hope you people ready
I'm reloaded, and I hope
my trigger finger steady
This is not a game now
Nobody can save you
Spent up all your change
And now your turn is done
We won't be afraid
'cause we're the ones who made you
Knock you out the frame
We won't stop until you're gone
Game on
Game on
Can't Xbox me in
'Cause in my lane
no controller but me playin' my game
- This a different league
- League
A different bracket
- I'm a different gene
- Gene
A different faction
I will never fall off, I just fall back
Don't make me pull up,
pull up where you boys ball at
And show you little fake hustlers
what the trap is
I have you runnin' suicides all practice
I got warrior blood
I fear no heir
No army, no w*apon, no man
k*ller instinct, I just go harder
than harder hard, but I pull larger
I can't let you Mini-Mes
steal my Austin Powers
I've traveled plenty seas, spent many hours
To make Flocka be the best he can be
So you gon' show respect
when you talkin' to me
That number one spot legacy I see is my hit
And what you take what you is,
what you leave behind
This is not a game now
Nobody can save you
Spent up all your change
And now your turn is done
We won't be afraid
'cause we're the ones who made you
- Knock you out the frame
- Squat, squat
- We won't stop until you're gone
- Squat, squat, squat, squat
- Game on
- Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up
- Game on
- Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up
Game on
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts
Category:Sony Pictures Entertainment Transcripts