Central Intelligence/Transcript

("MY LOVIN"' BY EN VOGUE
PLAYING ON THE RADIO)
www.dreams-ar.com/
MAN: (ON RADIO) And now,
it's time for a breakdown.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(BOB SINGING "MY LOVIN"' BY EN VOGUE)
Mmm, mmm, mmm, yeah-
Man, I told you Robbie Wheirdicht
showers here during first period.
Why doesn't he just shower at home
like a normal person?
Look at him.
Does anything about that
look normal to you?
You know, he's actually
a pretty good dancer.
(BOB CONTINUES SINGING)
I mean, fuck that guy is different!
Let's wreck him.
- TREVOR: Hey, Weird Dick!
- (ALL LAUGH)
Come on.
Finally, young ladies and young gentlemen,
it is my pleasure
to announce that the winner
of the National High School
Student of the Year Award
is none other than your very own
two-time student body president,
the captain of
Central High's All Valley track team,
president of the drama club
and the senior voted
"Most Likely to Succeed. "
I gotta tell you folks,
after 40 years as an educator,
he is my favorite student.
I wish he were my son
if I were medically able to have children.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
He's everybody's
favorite all-around guy...
Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner! Come on!
(ALL CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
("UNBELIEVABLE" BY EMF PLAYING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
ALL: (CHANTING) Golden Jet!
Golden Jet! Golden Jet!
Oh, my goodness.
Wow! Wow, guys.
Hey! How about a hand
for Principal Kent, huh?
Huh?
Honestly, if my mom
was into white guys, it would be you.
I know it would, okay?
(ALL LAUGH)
Well, as we all know,
this is our last assembly,
which means this is the last time
in front of you guys
that I'll be able to tell
the most beautiful girl in the world...
I'm talking about you, Maggie Johnson,
that I love you. I love you, baby. I do.
I'm gonna put it in my pocket.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- I'll save it.
Okay.
All right, guys. We're seniors now.
And once we get those diplomas,
the decisions that we make after that
are all up to us.
I don't know what path
life is gonna take me on.
But I can promise you all this...
That I, for one, will push myself
at every stage, at every step.
So, I got one question to ask.
I got one question for
the graduating class of 1996
and that's "Will you... "
(SHOUTS)
Check out my Weird Dick!
(BOYS GROAN)
(SQUEAKING)
(ALL GASPING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hey. Here, here, man.
(SOFTLY) Thank you.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- (LOCK RATTLES)
- (LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES)
Well, there's no coming back from that.
Calvin Joyner, everybody,
voted "Most Likely to Succeed. "
ALL: (CHANTING) Golden Jet!
Golden Jet! Golden Jet!
("JUMPMAN" BY DRAKE & FUTURE PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE RINGING)
Yo. Check it.
Oh, come on, man.
I don't want to see that.
Oh, no, no, it's my dick.
I know what it is. I don't want to see it.
(LAUGHS) Hilarious.
No, I'm working on this new sexting app.
It's kind of like Instagram, right?
But, instead of filters,
it just makes your junk look huge.
Like, three to six inches bigger.
It's called "Junk Mail." Clever, right?
- No, and here's why-
- Sorry, hang on, one second.
I'm just gonna...
What are you doing?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Okay, and send.
Sorry, you were saying something boring.
You just sent a dick pic.
It's called dating, grandma. Look it up.
Why are you all cranky-pants
this morning, huh?
Oh. It's because Ethan got promoted
instead of you?
Ethan got promoted?
(SIGHS) Youngest senior associate
in the history of the firm.
Corner office, the whole deal.
Didn't he used to be your assistant?
Who cares? Hey, you should
come to lunch with us.
We're gonna be celebrating his pro-mosh!
It'll probably be good for you
to kiss the ring a bit.
"Kiss the ring a bit"?
Hey, you play your chessboard
however you like, okay?
Me, lunch today?
I'm gonna French kiss that thing.
Aah...
I can't. I'm taking my wife
to lunch today, so...
All right. Bummer for you.
(SINGING)
Right?
(GRUNTS)
Can you just get out of my face?
#Blessed.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
To a guy I not only consider my coworker,
but my personal friend.
- To Ethan!
- Cheers!
(ALL CHEERING)
Do you wanna move tables?
I know this kind of sucks.
No, no. It doesn't suck.
Hey, if I wanted to get
one of those ice teas
but I want most of it to be bourbon-
What is that called?
Okay. How about we change the topic
to something a little more fun?
Anything else, please.
Oh, how about...
This is the dress
that I'm thinking about wearing.
CALVIN: Oh!
Honey, I want every single girl
to be jealous tomorrow night.
Oh.
What?
I just... I just don't want to go.
Calvin, it's our 20-year
high school reunion.
I'm not gonna go without you.
We agreed we were going. I RSVP'd for us.
I just changed my mind. That's all.
Okay. I see.
You're disappointed
about the promotion. I get it.
This is not about the promotion.
Okay, this has to do with me
not wanting to spend my Friday night
answering the
"What are you doing now?" question.
That's what I'll get all night.
"Hey, Calvin, what are you doing now?"
"I'm an accountant. "
"An accountant? Really?
"I thought you would be the governor, man.
"Wait a minute. Didn't you get voted
'Most Likely to Succeed'?
"I guess we missed that one. "
Is this why you've been
so weird and moody lately?
'Cause you're freaking out
about the reunion?
- No.
- And what's the matter
with being an accountant?
You love your job.
No, you love your job.
I'm good at my job.
It's not the same thing.
Honey, that's not fair.
You're a partner at your firm.
Instead, I work
in a building with a giant,
inflatable gorilla out in front of it.
Look, I don't want to be
the guy that peaked in high school
and, after he peaked,
his life went like this...
(IMITATES CRASH)
I don't know the sound
that that thing makes,
but you know what I'm trying to do.
I'm the guy that went down, okay?
- Yeah.
- Then my life
down here became a disappointment.
That's what I'll be.
(SOFTLY) Wow.
What?
I had no idea that your life with me
was such a soundless,
crashing disappointment!
- Don't do that.
- (IMITATES CRASH)
- That's not- Don't do that.
- That's the sound.
You want to know the sound
I'm about to make right now?
The sound of me not going.
That's the sound I'm making.
I'm not going.
Yeah.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
No.
Not going to that.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
Bob Stone?
Okay.
(PHONE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hello?
- Hey.
- Girl, you scared me.
- I did?
- Yes. I thought that you were...
I just- On the...
Never mind. Hey, I'm glad you called.
I'm sorry about lunch today.
I'm an idiot, babe.
I don't even know
what's going on with me right now.
- I really don't.
- Yeah?
Actually, honey,
that's what I was calling
to talk to you about.
Look, honey, I think that
we should see someone.
What do you mean, "Someone"?
What do you mean?
See someone, like a therapist.
Honey, black people don't go to therapy.
We go to barbershops.
That's where we talk out our problems.
Or we watch the movie Barbershop.
One or the other.
Look, my parents were really unhappy
for a long time before they got divorced.
And maybe if they saw someone sooner,
they would still be married.
I just want to nip this thing in the bud,
whatever it is.
I don't want to end up like my parents.
Wassup?
Wassup?
MAGGIE: Please, just do it for me,
if not for you.
CALVIN: All right. Uh...
- When? When do you want to do it?
- MAGGIE: Really?
The doctor said
he could see us at 6:00 p.m.
Um... 6:00 p.m., when? Tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, is that a problem?
Holy shit! Robbie Wheirdicht?
Calvin, honey? Hello?
Um, yeah.
I can't. I already
made plans for tonight, baby.
- MAGGIE: Plans with who?
- With Bob Stone.
Who's Bob Stone?
That sounds like a fake name.
No, no. You remember
Robbie Wheirdicht, from high school?
No.
The guy who got beaten up
by Trisha Demarco at homecoming?
No.
The kid that tried to rap along to
Coolio's 1,2,3,4 at the talent show
but then he kinda lost his way,
midway through
so he just started bopping his head,
and he stood there?
No. Nothing.
The guy who got thrown out the gym,
butt-ass-naked, senior year?
Oh, my God, yeah!
Why wouldn't you start with that?
Because I thought that was kind of mean.
I don't know.
He never came back
to school after that, right?
Like, not for finals
or graduation or anything.
Didn't he join the military or something?
I'm not sure.
I don't know if he did or not,
but he changed his name to "Bob Stone"
and apparently he's in town
for the high school reunion.
He wants to go to dinner tonight,
and I kinda already said "yes. "
- Okay.
- If you want me to cancel,
I will. You know?
If that's what you want, I don't mind.
Mmm-mmm. I mean,
it's a little weird, but whatever.
I'll just see if the doctor
can fit us in tomorrow.
- How about at lunch time?
- Okay. All right, fine.
Okay, good. I love you.
I love you, too, babe. I do.
("ME SO HORNY" BY 2 LIVE CREW
PLAYING ON COMPUTER)
- Oh, my-
- MAGGIE: What is that?
- Okay.
- Calvin? Are you-
Love you. Bye-bye.
No!
Stop, stop!
Hey, man. I-
Hey! What's up, guys?
Congratulations on that promotion, man.
It's quite the thing.
Thank you.
Hey, that's not work appropriate.
Yup.
Not cool, man. Not cool.
(SIGHS)
Hey, forward that to me.
(SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE)
MAN 1: For real man,
seriously?
MAN 2: Yeah. Watch it, punk.
Excuse you, too.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
My man!
Back the fuck up!
- Whoa!
- Back up, man!
Fine. I'll give you these fists.
I'll fist your ass.
Calvin. It's me, Bob.
What? Sorry, do I know you?
Do you know...
Robbie Wheirdicht from high school!
Are you kidding? What?
- Wait, you're Robbie Wheirdicht?
- Yeah!
God, man, look at you!
You've lost, like, 200 pounds!
I see you gained it back in muscle.
Oh, my God! You look great!
- No, you look great!
- Stop it.
No, you haven't changed
since high school, dude!
No, you're just sexy as dick right now.
You don't look somebody
in the eyes and say that.
Hey, let's get hammered.
I got an early day at work,
so I'll probably-
No, come on, I'm buying!
Oh, shit.
Mmm.
I'm sorry, man. I am blown away right now.
- Dude, you used to be Fat Robbie.
- (LAUGHS)
Look at you!
This is like a total transformation.
You look like Hercules or somebody.
What did you do? Come on, give it to me.
- I didn't do much, really.
- Stop it.
All right. I just did one thing.
Come on, I need to know.
I worked out six hours a day, every day,
for the last 20 years straight.
- I mean, anybody can do it, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. You know, I've gotten into hot yoga.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I started doing some sessions.
Uh-huh.
Nice unicorn, man.
Oh, yeah,
I'm big-time into 'corns.
So magical, right?
You know, they're the most
lethal animal on the planet.
Here you go.
Guys, my name's Lexi.
Just let me know if you need anything.
Okay.
I mean, like, anything at all.
- Okie-dokie.
- (GIGGLES)
You're funny. Do you ever, like, Snapchat?
- Oh, no. You know-
- I wasn't talking to you.
No, no, no. I don't do that.
I'm just catching up
with an old friend from high school.
Aw. You're so sweet.
I think unicorns are sexy, too.
That must happen to you
all the time, right?
Ah, nah.
I mean, all that meaningless sex is just-
It's not my bag anymore, CJ.
No, now, I'm looking for
more of an emotional connection.
The next woman I lay with,
she's gonna be beautiful on the inside,
just as much as she is on the outside.
Hey, wait. Whatever happened
to that girl that you liked
in high school?
Oh, God, man. The "Doogie Howser" girl.
She was 14, but somehow she was a senior.
She wore a cape.
- Darla McGuckian.
- Darla McGuckian.
- "Yucky Gucky. "
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?
- Two of 'em.
Right.
Hey, but listen,
I don't wanna talk about me.
I wanna talk about you.
I heard that
you and Maggie Johnson got hitched.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.
Yeah, man, right after college.
Wow! The prettiest girl in school,
and the coolest guy in school!
Oh, man, I got lucky.
I mean, you guys are like
a power couple, dude!
- No, no.
- Yes!
You're like Taylor Swift
and whoever she's dating right now.
- Power.
- Uh, thanks!
Yeah. You guys got kids?
No. No kids yet.
We planned on it after college,
but Maggie went to law school,
I kept changing jobs.
You know, having kids just
isn't in our cards right now.
Not at this point, that's all.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
I don't wanna talk about
me and Maggie and myself.
What about you? What are you doing?
I didn't even ask you, man.
What do you do for work?
I'm a government contractor.
Okay, that's cool.
Like, what, buildings and stuff?
Yeah, sort of.
But I kinda just got fired.
- Oh, shit! I'm sorry, man.
- Oh, it's okay.
Screw those guys, anyway.
They're way too corporate.
'Cause dudes like me and you,
I mean, we're alpha dogs, right?
I mean, we're pathfinders
and trailblazers.
And we don't listen
to what anyone tells us, right?
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
I mean, come on, man,
I sorta path-find a little bit
along certain preapproved parameters
that are given to me.
I'm willing to path-find
but it's all about how it's set up.
But within the box that I have, I go nuts.
You'll be surprised.
I had a guy tell me the other day,
"Hey, Calvin, you know,
I need those accounting numbers back
"from, you know, the file. "
- I said, "Go fuck yourself, Jim. "
- Yeah.
I didn't say it
because I wasn't in my box,
- but I thought about it.
- Exactly! Yeah! Yeah!
I got an idea. Let's do shots!
No!
I'm sorry for saying it like that, but no.
I haven't had shots
in almost 10 years, man.
What? Come on, we have to!
We're celebrating!
Celebrating what?
Celebrating that I'm hanging
with the coolest kid in high school.
- Stop it.
- Calvin Joyner!
The Golden Jet.
You got to be shitting me. Wow!
I haven't- God!
It's been forever since I heard that, man!
- I'll do one.
- All right!
- One shot.
- Shots!
No. One shot.
Just one, okay? Bob, it's been a while.
("JUMP AROUND" BY
HOUSE OF PAIN PLAYING)
Oh, shit! You remember this?
This was the jammy-jam!
What's that? Is that a fanny pack, Bob?
Hell, yeah! Dude, you want one?
No, it's okay.
I got two at home. I'll hook you up.
Leather pack for The Jet.
Fanny!
Shit.
What the hell did I get myself into?
Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Hey, sir, somebody's
actually sitting there.
- Yeah, someone was.
- No! Hey, man!
Hey, you don't see
the sweatshirt right here?
- Man, somebody's sitting here.
- Move your meat, lose your seat.
Dude, you don't
have to be a dick about it.
Somebody's sitting in the chair.
Bro, are you seriously
gonna go there, bro?
'Cause there's only one way back, bro.
Through intensive care, bro.
Was that the last "bro"?
'Cause if it was, then I'll talk.
That supposed to be funny?
- Dude-
- You a comedian now?
'Cause you don't look like
Dane Cook to me, bro.
Hey, now!
What's the rumpus?
CALVIN: You know...
There's no problem, man.
Let's just go to another table.
Get your jacket. Let's go.
- No, we're not gonna go anywhere.
- Listen to your pussy friend.
Those gym muscles
aren't scaring anybody, pal.
- Oh, these?
- Let's just go. It's okay.
No, we're not gonna go.
This man insulted you.
And we're not gonna leave
until he apologizes.
- It's okay.
- Hey, we got a problem here?
- No, no.
- Yeah, we got a big problem.
Your friend, here,
really insulted my friend
and he needs to apologize.
I don't think he does.
CALVIN: He doesn't.
Oh, you know what, man?
I think this whole situation's
getting a little out of control.
I can fix this whole thing.
I'll order some nachos. The "Explosions. "
It's got four cheeses!
Let's eat 'em together.
You know what? You take them.
Let's go.
Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet.
This whole thing will be over in a jiff.
Hey, how about this?
Why don't you and your boyfriend
apologize to Big Rick here
and then go jerk each other
in the parking lot?
That's a lot-
Yeah. You're right, CJ.
That's a lot of homophobia
coming out of a very angry man.
You need to go get that looked at
by a trained professional.
But, since you have
escalated this whole scenario
by bringing what I can only assume
is an unlicensed firearm
into this public place,
endangering the lives
of all these innocent people,
I can no longer,
in good conscience, walk away
and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.
I'm afraid we ain't going anywhere.
It's time for you to get out of here, pal.
CALVIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's four of us, tough guy.
Yeah. I got that.
All right. Before
this whole thing goes down,
you should know one thing about me.
What's that?
I don't like bullies.
(SCREAMS)
(GAGS)
(GROANS)
(BULLETS CLATTER)
Let's go, Jet.
Yes.
Oh, my God! I hope he's Catholic.
(MEN GROANING)
Oh, my God!
What the hell was that?
Bob, that was amazing!
I've never seen anything like that!
You took the one guy,
you hit him like this.
He couldn't breathe. (IMITATES CHOKING)
I sat there, I'm looking at him...
You talkin' to him like,
"I don't like bullies. "
I was like, "That's not a good line. "
But it was!
I didn't even know you could fight!
You had a unicorn shirt, a fanny pack,
and it totally worked!
You were like Jason Bourne,
man, but with jorts!
How did you do that?
Where'd you learn that stuff?
I took a couple classes at work.
I hope I didn't go too far.
I'm sorry about ruining the night, Jet.
Ruin my night?
No! It was the coolest thing ever, man!
- Really?
- Yes!
To see my boy go in and whoop ass
on those idiots back there.
Dude, that was amazing!
Wait, we're boys?
Yeah, we boys.
Wow. I...
Never had a boy.
- That's awesome! Come here!
- Oh, wait.
Stop. What's going on, man?
- I'm a hugger!
- What're you doing?
Hey! I got an idea.
Let's roll. Here's my bike.
Wait. That's your bike?
Yeah. Kawasaki 800!
I know what the bike is.
I had the same bike in high school, man.
- You still ride?
- No, man.
I haven't ridden a bike in years!
Come on, let's roll.
(SIGHS)
Where? Where you trying to go?
I know the perfect spot. Come on, Jet.
You know, why not? Why not?
After this- Yeah, okay!
BOB: Let's roll.
- (TIRES SQUEAL)
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
CALVIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, Bob! Slow, slow, slow!
Bob, hey, hey!
God, this is so crazy, man.
This brings back so many memories.
(BOB SIGHS)
BOB: I don't know, CJ.
I mean, high school
wasn't easy for me, man.
I don't know if you know this,
but I didn't have many friends back then.
What?
- Really?
- No.
I don't know why I thought-
True story.
Man, I thought high school
was gonna be like Sixteen Candles
and I was gonna be like Molly Ringwald.
Sure, things were difficult
in the beginning,
but then, by the end,
everything worked out.
And Jake Ryan picked her up
in that red Porsche.
What-what?
You ever see that movie?
I'm black, so I don't know the-
You gotta see it, dude.
Total classic.
It's my favorite all-time movie.
Then I realized high school
was nothing like Sixteen Candles.
And I'll never be like Molly Ringwald.
Yeah, well, depends on who you ask.
That's the thing. For me, I-
What's going on?
Oh, wow.
Hey, man, I just wanna say that
I'm really sorry
about what Trevor and those guys
did to you back then.
(ECHOING LAUGHTER)
(EXCLAIMS)
No biggie. I don't even
think about it anymore. No.
Okay, good.
Yeah. Here's the secret.
You know what I did, Jet?
I took all that stuff
and I balled it up real tight
and then I shoved it way down deep.
And I just pretty much ignore it.
You know, that sounds
really unhealthy, Bob.
Hey, I gotta tell you.
You were the only one
who helped me out that day.
In the gym? Remember that?
And you gave me your letterman's jacket!
Hey, not for nothing,
but I never got that jacket back, man.
Huh!
Really? Strange.
Hey, but listen, I just wanna thank you
for what you did for me that day.
That was really cool of you, Jet.
Stop, man.
It was the right thing to do, you know?
(BOTH CHUCKLES)
- You wanna hear something weird?
- What?
I have not been naked since that day.
I mean, not in front of anyone.
Never.
So, you're telling me
that for the last 20 years,
you've never been seen
in your birthday suit?
- No.
- So, what about when you have sex?
I keep it pitch-black,
just like Vin Diesel.
What? (LAUGHS)
You know I've been wondering,
whatever happened to Trevor anyway?
Did he get hit by a bus
or ripped apart by dogs
or die slowly of anything?
No. No, no.
He's a bigtime investment banker downtown.
- Oh, hey, cool.
- Yeah.
Good for him, man.
Hey, Bob, look,
if you ever wanna talk, I'm here.
So I don't mind, you know?
I don't mind at all, if you wanna-
What?
Whoa. (LAUGHS)
This is all our stuff from our year!
Yeah. Must be getting ready
for the reunion tomorrow night.
Come on, man. Let's get out of here.
What? No! "Get out... "
Look, you're all over this!
Look at this.
Basketball, baseball, cross country.
Hamlet.
Prom King.
There's Darla McGuckian.
Synchronized swimming, that's so sexy.
This is like the Guinness Book
of Golden Jet Records right there.
(TAPS GLASS)
I see that.
To be honest with you,
I don't even recognize this guy anymore.
This guy, here, he was gonna...
He was gonna conquer the world.
If 18-year-old me could see me now,
he'd probably think I was a total loser.
What? That's crazy talk!
- You're The Golden Jet, dude!
- Stop.
Stop, Bob. Spare me
with The Golden Jet shit.
I'm not The Golden Jet, man.
I'm an accountant.
That's my reality.
(SIGHS) I just thought
I was meant for more, you know?
My life would be something special.
You know how they say every man
is the hero of his own story?
Was that in Twilight?
No, I don't think that's where it's from.
But those books are cool, right? Vampires!
And there's a wolf-boy.
I'm not... I'm not talking
about Twilight, Bob, okay?
I'm talking about the fact that
I don't feel like
I'm the hero of my own story. That's...
How are you not the hero
of your own story?
No one else can be!
Yo, CJ, I gotta be honest with you, man.
I mean, all this talk about Calvin Joyner
not feeling like he's a hero...
That's crazy talk, man.
No. No, it's not.
You were the best thing about high school.
I'll always believe in you.
Yo, do you remember
those backflips you used to do?
The crowd would go crazy!
I was there, too.
I was, like, "What? How's he do that?"
How did you do that?
I don't know. I just did it, man.
Exactly.
So, do it now.
No, no. You're crazy! No.
What's that?
What're you talking about? What's what?
- (SOFTLY) Golden Jet!
- No, stop it.
- Golden Jet!
- Okay, stop it!
- Golden Jet!
- All right.
Golden Jet!
I'm not gonna stop until
you do The Golden Jet flip!
Golden Jet!
All right, everybody, settle down.
Settle down!
If the crowd wants a Golden Jet flip,
then they gonna get a Golden Jet flip.
You go, girl!
(GROANS) Oh, God!
That was so close, Jet.
(GROANS)
Here, buddy. Come on.
They must have just waxed these floors.
That was definitely a first, man.
(BOB LAUGHS)
Oh, man, I am beat.
Oh.
Hey, Jet!
Man, I had a great time tonight.
Whoa!
You know what?
I had a good time, too, man.
I feel like I needed this, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. Me, too!
Thank you.
My pleasure, amigo. Any time.
Hey, if there's ever anything
I can do for you, just say the word.
Wow. You really mean that?
Yeah.
I wasn't gonna bring it up,
but I might as well.
Lately, I've been having this problem
with my payroll account. And...
It's all screwed up, somehow.
You know, I was overseas
working for a while before I got fired.
So, it's kinda like
a forensic international account thingy
which, I think,
is kind of your specialty, right?
Um...
Yeah, no, it is.
I'll take a look at that for you.
You would? You would do that for me?
I've got the login info,
if you wanna crack open your computer,
we can do this!
Oh, you mean now?
- That's awesome! Yeah!
- Okay.
- Look at this!
- Hey, Bob-
- Whoa!
- (SHUSHING)
Bob, you gotta keep your voice down!
(SOFTLY) Maggie's sleeping.
Wow.
This is a pretty serious international
account dossier you've got here.
Right? I just want to make sure
everything was hunky-dory.
(MUMBLING)
Going to your router.
Now you're talking to me.
Bingo. I'm in.
Oh. That's great, Jet.
Thank you, man!
I mean, just looking at it first-hand,
it kinda looks like it's a bunch of
off-shore escrow accounts.
These have been backwashed into
a series of domestic dummy accounts
for some reason.
I mean, the logs are all crazy, too.
You have China,
Syria, Iran.
This is an auction site, Bob!
(MUMBLES)
These are bids. All of these.
This is hundreds of millions
of dollars in bids, right here.
And judging by this clock, here,
it says it's all gonna end tomorrow.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS)
- Whoa!
- What the hell? Why?
- What did-
- Oh! I'm sorry, Jet!
- Bob!
Jet, I'm so sorry! Oh, man.
- I'm all thumbs.
- It's my computer!
- I'm sorry.
- No! Please, Bob.
- I'm sorry, Jet.
- Leave it. I got it.
It's fine, Bob. It's fine. Just leave it.
The worst!
God!
Hey! What the hell was that on that site?
That didn't have
anything to do with payroll.
I don't know. I've never seen that before.
That was crazy.
Let's figure it out tomorrow
when we're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
What do you say, CJ? I am beat.
Hey, do you mind if I crash here?
Um...
No.
Let me go grab some blankets.
Hey, thanks for the jammies, Jet.
Okay, well, you can keep those.
Those are- Those are officially yours.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Oh.
You gonna sleep with your fanny pack.
Golden Jet! Yeah, it's my baby.
(EXHALES)
You need anything else? You're okay?
I can't believe I'm having a sleepover
at Calvin Joyner's house right now.
This is blowing my mind!
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Uh, good night, Bob.
Good night, Jet.
(FABRIC TEARING)
(SNORING)
- Me?
- (BOB SNORING)
Yeah, you.
What the fuck?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
One second.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Hold on.
Uh, may I help you?
Mr. Joyner, my name is Pamela Harris,
I'm with the Central Intelligence Agency.
Have you had any contact with this man?
Uh, yeah, he's on my-
He's on my couch, sleeping.
Target's in the house.
What's going on? Hey!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
AGENT STAN: (INTO COMM) Target's fled.
Shit.
Target's on the move.
Excuse me! What...
Hello, hey! Excuse me!
- ... and voice chatter in the vicinity.
- CALVIN: Hello! Excuse me!
If he's in the wind again,
it's gonna be your ass. Go now.
- Hello!
- Alert Langley, asset uncontained.
Excuse me!
- Can I help you?
- Hello!
It's my house. Is something going on?
Well, Mr. Joyner,
your sleepover buddy, Robert Wheirdicht,
AKA Bob Stone, AKA Bob Golden,
AKA Bob Jet,
is wanted for murder and treason
and is presently in possession
of highly classified state secrets
which he intends to sell to our enemies.
What?
And if he succeeds, it's gonna spark
a chain reaction of geopolitical events
that most of our predictive models
place somewhere between
World War lll and outright Armageddon.
So, yeah, I guess you could say
something is going on.
Oh, you mind?
Creamer's in the fridge. What?
I don't need it.
What I do need is information.
I need you to tell me
everything and anything
about your contact with Agent Stone.
- Agent Stone?
- Bob, your friend Bob.
Come on. Stay with me, please.
Okay, I think there's a misunderstanding.
No. No, he is not my friend.
Then why did he list you
as his emergency contact
in all his personnel forms?
I'm sorry- He what?
Bob Stone has no siblings, or parents,
or family of any kind.
You are the only person
he listed in his personal references.
Oh... (STAMMERS)
That's crazy, all right?
I barely even know the guy.
Then why was he sleeping on your couch?
Because we went out
and had drinks last night.
Oh, so you went out drinking
with your non-friend?
Okay.
All right, let's- You're not-
Time out.
I'm pressing the time out button.
Okay? You guys barged in my house.
I pay my taxes.
So you're not gonna come here
and treat me like I'm the enemy, okay?
That's the first thing.
Now, if you want to get into facts-
You wanna talk about facts?
This is Facebook's fault.
Are you familiar with Facebook?
We surveil it.
He sent me a friend request.
That's how this whole thing started.
And you accepted?
Don't do that. Don't do that to me.
You give me a second. Okay?
Don't fire back like that.
First of all,
fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right?
Now, I accepted because it was Facebook.
And it's rude when you don't accept it
and I don't know
if the person on the other end
can see me not accept it.
That's why I accepted.
Are you nervous, Mr. Joyner?
Is it hot?
Are you getting hot?
Because I'm getting hot.
I'm not gonna take off my jacket
because that makes me look guilty.
And that's what you guys look for. Hmm?
Is this what a guilty man would do?
Look how comfortable I am.
I'm gonna lean up against this counter,
and I'm not gonna sweat.
I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna look flustered at all.
I'm... Bring it.
What you want to know?
Hmm?
- Mr. Joyner.
- Yeah.
Bob Stone is a dangerous psychotic.
- You're lucky to be alive.
- Okay, listen to me.
Agent Harris, I don't know this man.
He's just a little weird kid
that I knew in high school.
He used to put Rice Krispies Treats
in my locker.
Sometimes I ate 'em, sometimes I didn't.
I wasn't in carbs back then
'cause I didn't want that weight
going to my hips.
As a man, you don't want big hips,
especially in high school.
Bottom line,
I have no allegiance to this man.
Zero ties, okay?
All ties are cut.
I cut them, so this is me and you.
So don't put me and him...
I ain't in this shit, okay?
All right, Mr. Joyner. Prove it.
Yeah, well, I need a second.
You gotta step outside.
I gotta take a shit.
This is a lot.
I got to go. Just give me a second, man!
- I'll be waiting.
- Jesus Christ!
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
All teams be advised,
we're Oscar Mike with the bait.
I'm sorry, did you just
call me "the bait"?
No.
Yeah, you did.
She just called me the bait.
Why am I the bait?
No, that doesn't sound like
something I'd ever say.
- You just said it.
- What's going on here? (LAUGHS)
Sir, I'm gonna need you to step aside.
- This is a matter of national security.
- (LAUGHS)
Yeah, right! I love it.
What is this? Like a strippergram thing
to suck up to Ethan?
Gotta love strippers. So dirty.
Show us your tits! Show us your tits!
(SINGSONG) Hey, let's see some titty!
- (TASER CRACKLES)
- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
- (THUDS)
- This you?
- Yeah, right here.
You did this to yourself.
(GROANING)
- Small.
- Yeah.
(PHONE RINGS)
It's my wife.
Mr. Joyner, it is my legal obligation
to inform you
that you are now a part of
a highly classified covert action.
So, say hello to your wife
and then get off the phone.
Am I clear?
Don't tell my wife shit. Got it.
Don't tell your wife shit.
- What line?
- Line one.
Hey, Mags.
Hey, I can't really talk right now, babe.
- I got a lot going on.
- Okay, okay. I get it. You're hungover.
Listen, Dr. Dan can see us today at lunch.
- Wait a minute, Dr. Dan?
- The therapist, remember?
So, I'm thinking we should just
meet at home and go together. Thank you.
Go. Go on,
and I'll just see you there, okay?
But I got to really go, babe.
I'm slammed in here.
So, I gotta get off the phone.
- All right. Jeez! Is everything okay?
- Everything is fine, babe.
I gotta keep the line clear.
I love you. Bye, I gotta go.
Love you. Bye.
Hmm.
"Hmm. " What?
I'm an expert in speech pathology
and psycho-lingual subtext.
Your wife is not fulfilled
in your relationship.
Wait, what?
Also, she wants to have a baby.
Where are you getting-
(PHONE RINGING)
Calvin Joyner, Accounting.
Hello? Calvin Joyner, Accounting.
BOB: Calvin?
(MOUTHING)
It's Bob! It's Bob!
(MOUTHING) Act natural.
BOB: Calvin. Is that you?
Are you there?
Well, hey. Well, yeah.
Yeah, wassup?
What up, Bobby-o?
Are you quite well?
I'm in big trouble.
Oh, God! I screwed up.
I screwed up big time.
We gotta talk. Can you meet me?
Sure. Yeah. Where?
Where do you want me to meet you?
I'm in the stairwell of your building,
two flights down.
- Stairwell?
- Hurry!
- He's in the stairwell, two flights down!
- Move, move!
Alert Charlie team.
Hold on. What's going on? Am I safe here?
As long as Bob Stone
is in the building, no one's safe.
Get back in your office now!
Okay!
Good news is we heard her, guys.
So, everybody, let's all just stay calm.
As long as- As long- Shit!
What the hell is going on?
- Relax.
- Hey.
Great job at
getting them out of here, Jet.
- Oh, Bob!
- That's teamwork!
Wait! How did you- What did you just do?
It's a tradecraft, buddy.
Spoiler alert...
I'm in the CIA.
Oh, no shit!
Hey, hey! What're you doing with my phone?
You about to turn my phone
into a bomb, aren't you?
I've seen Homeland.
So I know what they do.
(LAUGHS) Homeland?
No, I'm ordering us an Uber.
Six minutes. That's kinda tight.
I'm gonna need your tie.
You're gonna- No!
- Your necktie, take it off.
- No,
- I'm not taking my tie off!
- Come on, Jet!
- Don't do that. Don't do that.
- (LAUGHS)
That's good. Save it, save it, save it.
Save it, Jet.
- There we go, just right over here.
- Fine, take it, take it.
You can have it. Okay, that-
Listen to me. Listen.
Stop. Stop!
I need to know
what is happening, right now.
Okay, okay. You know what?
Moving too fast.
Bottom line, are you in or you out?
What are you- In or out of what?
Mmm-mmm. No time
for questions, just action.
- In or out?
- Okay, then I'm out.
I'm sorry, Jet.
Actually, you're already in.
Then why would you ask me?
Because I thought
you would go, "I'm in, Bob!"
And we would've had a really cool moment,
but you kinda ruined the whole thing.
I ruined-
Okay, okay, okay.
Listen to me right now.
Bob, I don't know what it is
that you're into
but what I do know is that
I am really, really 100% out!
Do you understand that?
- God, you are good! (LAUGHS)
- What?
Calvin Joyner, president of the Drama Club
for a reason, folks!
- You're like a snack-size Denzel.
- Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
This is not a game.
I'm being serious right now.
I'm out!
Okay. Okay.
I can't say I'm not disappointed, Jet,
but if you're out, you're out.
Thank you! I'm out!
I'm just happy that we can communicate
openly and honestly.
I think it says a lot
about our relationship.
Wait, hold up, wait.
What're you doing? Oh, my God!
Here's the thing, though.
There's only one way for you to get out.
What's that?
You gotta get in first.
What is it that-
What-what! Take my gun, Jet,
we may have to kill some people.
- Come on, it's not gonna bite you.
- I will do no such thing.
I think you'll like it.
- I will not!
- You're gonna need it.
You're gonna need it! He's in here!
Jet.
He's in there! Bob's in there!
He's got a gun! He's got a gun!
(PEOPLE SCREAM)
- Down, down, get down!
- Move, move, move!
All right. I'm gonna need
your improv skills.
What?
- Hostage role-play, you ready?
- No!
- Sweet, let's go.
- No, I said no!
I said no!
AGENT: He's got a hostage!
No!
No! Stop it, you gonna get me killed!
Don't shoot!
(AGENTS COUGHING)
There we go, Jet!
CALVIN: What are you doing?
Oh! Shoot!
Don't shoot!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
- Hang tight, Jet!
- No, I'm not doing anything!
Stop including me in your stuff!
Get him, Agent! Hit him with the stick!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh!
You're doing a great job, Jet.
Just give me a second, okay?
What the fuck?
He got a coffee pot!
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
He got a banana!
Oh! Oh!
Freeze!
(BONE CRACKING)
Jet, help! (CHOKING)
What?
(STRAINING)
Golden Jet, help.
No, man, I'm not helping you!
Oh, shit.
- Give me the gun!
- Stop it!
- Stop resisting!
- No, let me go!
Let me go! I'm trying to give it to you!
Oh, shit!
- That was an accident!
- Don't move!
No, stop! Listen to me!
Let's go.
Wait, wait! Come on! What are you- Ah!
Come on, man!
This has gotta stop! Okay?
(WHIMPERS)
Shit!
(CALVIN SCREAMS)
Don't shoot!
- Oh, God!
- Show us your hands!
- Drop your weapon!
- Do it now!
Ow.
Sorry, Jet.
It's over, Bob. Give up.
You know I can't do that, Pam.
There's nowhere to run, Agent Stone.
Just like Caracas.
Uh, Caracas would've worked
if you trusted me like Calvin trusts me.
No. No.
That is not true. I do not trust him!
I do not trust him at all.
As a matter of fact,
this is a perfect time
for us to clear this up
especially in the middle of this standoff.
I shouldn't be here!
So I feel like me being
in the middle of this throws me in it.
So let me exclude myself.
- Hey, stay down!
- Don't move!
Okay, all right.
I'll stay in. I'll stay in.
I got a plan.
Might get us both killed
but if it works,
it'll be a totally boss story.
Cool?
- No! No, it's not cool!
- Cool.
No, I said it's not cool.
(SOFTLY) I said it's not cool!
Time's up.
You're right, Pam.
My time is up.
In three, two,
one.
(ALARM RINGS)
Bob, Bob, Bob!
(SCREAMING) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, shit!
Whoo-hoo!
- (CALVIN SCREAMS)
- (BOB WHOOPING)
(BOB LAUGHS)
Wow! Did you feel that, Jet?
That was the balls right there!
Hey, did you shit yourself a little bit?
(GASPING)
It's all right if you did. Totally cool.
I don't judge.
(SCREAMING)
CALVIN: Get it off!
You guys order an Uber?
(GUNS FIRING)
What are you doing?
You better get your tuches in the car.
You're gonna get shot!
Don't shoot me! Shoot him!
Shoot him! I'm out! I'm out! I'm out!
Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Go, Bob!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hey, that's my car!
Fuck you!
You get zero stars!
Put the word out to all assets.
I'm doubling the price on Bob's head.
Hey, what the shit,
honey- (GROANS)
(THUDS)
Get Larry on it.
Car, car, car!
All right, here's the dilly-o, Jet.
About three weeks ago,
an enemy of the state
codenamed "The Black Badger"
stole the encryption keys
to the entire US spy satellite program
which he's gonna sell to a buyer
from that auction site
on your computer last night.
Bob...
If we lose control of our satellites,
we're completely vulnerable
to any terrorist attacks.
That's why I had to go back
to your office and get you, Jet.
I need your super sweet accounting skills
to help me figure out
the last piece of this puzzle
which is the transaction number
from the winning bid.
That'll tell us
where the deal is going down.
That way, we can get The Black Badger.
I can't do it without you, Jet.
Are you kidding me? I'm not helping you.
You attacked somebody with a banana.
- A banana, force multiplier.
- What?
Well, basically what that means
is anything in your hand
is far more dangerous
than just your bare hands alone,
including a banana.
Oh!
Oh! Ah!
- A force multiplier!
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's what it is.
It makes so much more sense to me now.
That's page-one CIA stuff.
I almost forgot
that I wasn't in the fucking CIA!
Stop the car.
You stop the car right now! Stop the car!
Okay, okay. That's a great idea, Jet.
We should get off the grid right now.
CALVIN: Whoa!
All right. We're clear.
Okay.
Okay. Let's just take some deep breaths.
Okay? Deep breaths.
All you gotta do is get out of this car
and have a rational conversation with Bob
and he'll understand.
Robert, I would like to
go home now, please.
Buddy, you and me both.
But until we clear our names,
there's no going home.
I'm sorry, can you clarify
that last sentence for me?
Yeah, well, now that you're in-
Let me stop you right there. I'm not in.
I never said that I was in.
In fact, I expressly remember
saying that I was out!
I know, but they think you're in.
I am...
I'm fucking out! I'm out!
- What's left to tell?
- Hey, no, I get it.
- I'm not in!
- I'm just saying they think you're in.
- I'm not in! I am not in!
- I get it.
I'm not in! I'm out!
One sec, Jet, just gotta disable the GPS.
Where did you-
You wanna go under- That's fine!
Wait a minute.
You did this on purpose, didn't you?
This whole thing was done on purpose.
This is your plan!
You tricked me!
It's fine, but I know you tricked me.
- Trick you?
- You tricked- Hey, boy!
- What? What'd you just-
- (LAUGHS)
I didn't trick you,
you offered to help me.
You know what's funny? Harris told me.
She told me everything, man.
She told me that you stole the codes.
Let me tell you something about Harris.
You can't trust her.
She's already trying to frame me
for my partner's murder!
- You killed your partner?
- No.
I would never do that.
The Black Badger killed my partner.
Let me explain to you something, dude.
This is what happened.
After The Black Badger
stole the satellite encryption codes,
my partner Phil and I
tracked him to a penthouse in Kiev.
- Hey, Phil.
- Yeah.
I'll see you on the other side.
See you on the other side.
All right.
God, I love that guy.
BOB: He knew we were coming,
so he set a trap.
Hey, Bob! Bob!
No!
BOB: Phil was my partner,
my teammate
- and I couldn't save him.
- No!
(EXPLOSION)
It was awful, Cal.
It was a setup, right from the get-go.
Damn, man.
The Black Badger was never there.
I should've been the one
on that elevator, not Phil.
God.
Okay. Bob, please...
I'm begging you, man.
Can you just let me go home?
CJ, I totally understand.
But right now,
Agent Harris and her taskforce
has that place surveilled up the yin-yang.
She's got contract killers looking for us.
Your place isn't safe.
Oh, my God. Maggie.
Maggie! What the hell
am I supposed to do about Maggie?
- (SHOUTS) Get down, Jet!
- (CALVIN SCREAMS)
- Shit! Oh!
- (ENGINE REVS)
Look out, Bob!
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)
Who the hell is that? Who is that? Bob?
Oh, shit.
Larry.
Thought you retired.
I did.
But you're worth a lot of money,
Bob, dead or alive.
Well, tough luck,
because I've got back up.
Ain't that right, Jet?
Jet!
(GROANS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, baby. I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
The stupid Koplin deposition ran long.
I'm leaving right now.
I'll meet you at the house.
No, no, no! Don't go home!
- Don't go home!
- Why? What's going on?
Nothing! Nothing.
I'm just running late, too.
So I was gonna say
let's just meet at Dr. Dan's office.
Yeah. Okay. Is everything all right?
Yeah! Yeah. Why?
Everything's fine.
Because you kind of sound
like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.
(LAUGHS) What?
That's so funny, babe.
That's such a good reference.
That's classic Mags right there.
So, okay. So you're not
gonna go home, right?
Okay, fine. I won't go home.
I'll meet you at Dr. Dan's. See you soon.
Okay. All right, bye.
All right, bye.
Get in.
(STAMMERING) I'm gonna
address the elephant in the room.
Okay, first of all, you...
You guys, I want to say sorry to.
Because what you're probably thinking
is not what happened.
Accidents!
I know you're like,
"How can you accidentally
pistol-whip somebody
"and shoot somebody?"
It can happen.
Okay? Today is proof
that it can happen. So...
I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.
Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.
Okay, thank you.
Trust me, I know a
scared-shitless civilian when I see one.
You don't have to convince me.
You got him over here. That is me.
Right now, I'm not comfortable.
Okay, I am scared, okay?
I don't have no shit in my system.
If I sat down on a toilet,
nothing's coming out.
Farts or just air.
(SLOW WHISTLES)
(HISSING)
It'd sound like lasers.
Thank you for that description.
Mr. Joyner, let me explain something.
Bob's last forced psych eval
show a person rapidly losing
his grip on reality.
Bob became obsessed with a ghost,
a figment of his imagination,
he started calling "The Black Badger. "
This obsession led to an instability,
first reported by his partner, Phil,
three weeks ago.
Just before Phil was killed in the field.
Do you know how Phil died?
Yeah, Bob told me that
The Black Badger killed him.
What?
What?
Mr. Joyner, Bob Stone is The Black Badger.
Phil was Bob's partner of six years.
His best friend.
- See you on the other side.
- See you on the other side.
Hey, Bob!
AGENT HARRIS: After he stole
the satellite encryption codes
Bob betrayed Phil.
No!
He killed him to cover his tracks.
And, after that, Bob went rogue.
This is all that's left of Phil.
Um, this is PornHub.
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Sorry.
There you go.
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, I didn't see that coming.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Oh, man!
- It's a hell of a way to go.
- Okay, wait a minute.
Why wouldn't Bob just go sell
the satellite encryption codes himself?
Because in a black market
blind-bidding situation,
the buyer and the seller,
they don't know each other.
They need the auction site
to tell them exactly where to meet up
and when to make the exchange.
The transaction number
from the auction site gives them that,
which means Bob still needs you.
Which is why we find ourselves
in a little catch-and-release scenario.
You are the only one Bob trusts.
That's why we're putting you in the field.
The next time you're with Bob,
press this button.
We're going to have him cold.
Now, go take care of your marriage.
One more thing. Don't tell your wife shit.
All right.
MAGGIE: I just don't know
what's wrong.
I mean, the man that I married,
the person I knew in high school,
he was filled
with drive and desire. I mean...
We used to sneak off every lunch hour
and make out under the gym bleachers.
Like, that guy, back then,
- he wanted things, you know?
- DR. DAN: Hmm.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find parking.
Hi, no, no, it's okay.
We got started without you.
Babe, Calvin, this is Dr. Dan.
Hello, Calvin.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, jeez. What's the matter?
- Holy shit! Get behind me!
- Honey... Calvin, what?
It's okay, Maggie. It's okay. Just relax.
This is a very common reaction
in the therapeutic process.
- It is?
- What?
It is. It absolutely is.
Calvin, this is a very safe place.
Please, sit down.
- This is not a safe place!
- No, no, no. Honey, it's a...
No, this is most definitely
not a safe place!
Me and my wife are leaving. Let's go.
No, no, no! You are going to sit down,
and we are going to go through
this therapeutic process...
- Yes.
- ... together, as a couple.
Um... Fine, fine, fine.
Sit down. Thank you.
Fine.
Okay, guys. Why don't we start off
with a little bit of word association?
Okay.
This is exciting.
I've heard this can
really open a couple up.
Uh, Maggie, I'm going
to offer you a word,
and you respond
however you're moved to from here.
Okay.
- Black.
- White.
- Water.
- Ocean.
- Sunshine.
- Happy.
- I'm very impressed, Maggie.
- Really?
You're very in tune.
I'm very in tune.
Calvin, you're next.
I do not want to do this.
Relax, Calvin. There are no wrong answers.
Up.
Down.
Mmm.
"Mmm. " What is that?
What're you writing in your book?
- It's fine. Don't freak out.
- Nobody's freaking out.
I just don't understand
the rules to the game.
Freaking out.
Let's switch gears for a second, okay?
Maggie, during lovemaking,
have you ever placed anything
inside of Calvin's anus?
What the hell did you just say?
Well, yeah, there was this one time.
- You remember? Game of Thrones finale.
- What are you talking about?
I was Khaleesi, you were Littlefinger-
- Okay, all right, stop. That's enough.
- Please, please, please.
Why don't we try a simple
role-playing exercise?
Calvin, you be Calvin
and I will become Maggie.
(GASPS) Mmm.
I'm confused.
It's called "soul gazing. "
Stare into my soul
and I'll stare into yours.
- Maggie, this-
- Hey. Shh.
There's no talking, and don't look away.
(WHISPERS) Stare into my soul.
You are not my-
Shh. There's no talking.
Babe, I'm not staring-
(WHISPERS) Me and you.
Stay with me. I'm your wife.
- You are not my wife.
- (BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(GASPS)
How could you hit your wife?
How can I- How can I what?
- You hit your wife!
- No-
- He hit me!
- Okay.
- He hit you!
- Okay.
You hit us!
- I'm swaddling you.
- I know what you're doing.
- I'm swaddling you.
- I know what you're...
Come here.
Oh, my God!
You-
You know what? We're leaving! Let's go!
This is not real.
It's real to me.
You know what, Calvin?
If you can't commit
to working on our marriage,
then you need to let me know.
- Maggie, you-
- (DOOR OPENS)
(CHUCKLING)
- What!
- Oh, my God!
You're- Something's not right.
Come on, Jet, listen.
Come on, come on, Jet!
Now, I know things got
a little rough there at the end.
But the truth is, with all the heat
that you have coming down on you,
Maggie is definitely safer without you.
And, trust me,
when this whole thing is said and done
and you basically
save the entire free world,
she's going to forgive you.
It'll all work itself out.
It'll all work itself out?
Okay, Bob, you know,
I'm sick of playing games with you.
Where's the real Dr. Dan?
- (MUMBLING)
- What-what?
Oh, my- Dr. Dan,
I had nothing to do with this.
He's fine. I'll get you some water
in a little bit.
- Thanks, doc.
- You know-
That's it. That is it.
That is it.
All right, Jet.
I see that Harris has given you
a button to push.
Relax, I would've taken the same deal,
too, if I was in your shoes.
Otherwise, she wouldn't
let you out of her sight, right?
It makes perfect sense.
But you're not going to
press the button, right?
You got the top-secret satellite codes?
Yes or no?
This ain't the time to bullshit me.
Okay, my ass is sweating.
I'm nervous. Don't bullshit me!
Of course not, dude. Hey, hey, come on!
Of course I don't have the codes.
Why would I go through
all this trouble, then?
I need your skill set, Jet, to help me get
the bank transaction numbers
to the winning bid.
We already know it's going down tonight
from the countdown on your computer.
Now, all we need is the "where. "
And the bank transaction numbers
will give us the "where. "
That's why I need you.
Your job gives you access to
exactly that kind of information.
Then we can get The Badger,
we can get the buyer
in one fell swoop.
And it'll all be over tonight.
Please, I swear.
You gotta believe me.
Can't you just get us
the transaction number?
Not when the money
originates from an offshore account.
When that happens,
then only a certified international
banking official can access it.
But, it shouldn't be a problem.
We just give this guy
the offshore account numbers
that you gave me,
then he can give us the transaction number
without knowing that
he's committing treason when he does it.
Sound familiar?
Ouch! Low blow, CJ.
Hey, besides,
it's only treason if we're wrong.
Who's this mystery man?
It's Trevor.
(LAUGHING)
Trevor.
TREVOR: This week
just keeps getting better.
You know, I mean,
Robbie Wheirdicht and Calvin
"The Golden Jet" Joyner in my office.
Who would've thunk it? Not me.
This is great, huh?
Talk about caterpillar to the butterfly...
What is this? P90X?
More like "P1,000,000X," huh?
Congratulations.
CALVIN: (STAMMERS)
Hey, I, um-
I really appreciate the help, Trevor.
My client's all on me
to get this stuff handled right away.
So, you know, if we could-
Say no more.
It's my pleasure. I've been there.
These international accounts
can be very, very tricky
if you don't have the right clearances.
You can get a bunch of digital red tape.
I'm happy to help, you know?
Robbie.
You're such a blast from the past, buddy.
How long has it been since I saw you?
Was it high school?
(WHIMPERING)
What's that?
(STUTTERS) Um- How we doing
with those account access codes?
- Are they coming?
- TREVOR: It's coming.
- Everything's good?
- It's coming.
I'm going as fast as I can. I know
you guys are in a rush. I'm so sorry.
Anything for a couple of fellow Centaurs.
Speaking of which, you guys are going
to the reunion tonight, right?
No, I don't think so.
- You're both going.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
Here it is.
Here's your transaction number.
You're both going
because you want to know what?
Stinky Pete's going to be there.
And Jimmy Longballs called me.
He's going to be hanging.
Carlos Nagasaki, the Mexican eggroll.
He's going to be there.
You guys will be missing out on a big one.
Plus you know what they're going to do?
They're going to vote on
homecoming king and queen again.
Maybe you and Maggie
can make it two for two.
Now, before you go,
stay seated one second.
Give me two minutes, sit down.
(SIGHS) Men,
a few years ago...
(SIGHS) I found the Lord Almighty.
And, ever since then,
my life has been
completely different. Okay?
He's got a plan for
each and every one of us
and, in his infinite wisdom,
he makes no mistakes. Hmm?
You're right about that.
I think the Lord put you here because
he wants me to get something off my chest.
He wants me to clear my conscience
and he wants me to ask for forgiveness.
Robert.
What I did to you
at that rally in senior year
was a cowardly act.
It's something that
I've regretted every single day.
Yeah. I mean,
bullying is a national crisis.
It can leave people
with a lifetime of pain.
And I just have no excuse
for what I did to you.
I mean, I did grow up in a house
with a father who was physical,
but that doesn't give me
the right to take it out on somebody
who at the time
was weaker, you know? So...
Calvin, with this particular
transgression,
I not only embarrassed him
but I also ruined your final speech.
- No, no.
- Yes, I did.
- It's okay. No, it's okay.
- No, really, I stole your thunder.
And it's another thing that
I've had to live with every single day.
And I work through it
in individual therapy as well as group,
and I pray about it.
So...
I just want to say how truly sorry I am
for what happened, you know.
Or for what I did.
It didn't just happen. I did it.
I did it, and I wish to God
that I had not done it.
So, I'm hoping that
you can find it in your heart
to forgive me.
I wasn't expecting this at all.
Don't I know it. I know it.
I'm just so happy.
I don't know what to say.
How about you say...
"The Oscar goes to Trevor Olson. "
- What do you mean?
- (LAUGHING)
Weird Dick!
You stupid ass!
Good God, you're dumb!
Dumber than ever, I guess!
And you, too, Calvin!
Look at that stupid look
on those two faces.
"The Lord taught me to care. "
Unbelievable.
I'm a Scientologist. Okay, that's "A."
And thetan-free since 2003.
Clear as shit.
And "I'm sorry for what I did"?
Let me tell you what I'm sorry about.
I'm sorry I didn't toss your naked ass
out there three more times.
It was the best senior prank ever.
I still get emails about it.
And if I'd had
one of these bad boys back then,
I would have shot it, uploaded it,
and it would have gone crazy viral,
a zillion hits.
Know what?
You're going to regret
you ever opened your mouth.
- You hear me, Trevor?
- Yeah? How come, Calvin?
Because he's about to
whoop your ass, that's why.
Who is?
Bob, get up and whoop his ass.
Here she comes!
Let me tell you something...
Weird Dick can't chug
a bunch of fucking steroids and elk urine
and suddenly be able to kick my ass.
Fuck that! It ain't gonna happen.
'Cause here's why.
Once a fat kid, always a fat kid.
Huh? Prove me wrong.
Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.
Come on, hit me!
And I'll sue your ass,
and take your fanny pack away.
(BLOWS)
You got to make poopies?
What's wrong, Bob?
We got a john here.
Or you got to change your rag?
Maybe that's it.
Jenny, you got an extra rag?
- What's the matter with you?
- I just want to go.
She wants to go.
Go ahead. There you go.
No, it's a push.
Boy, 50-50 shot. You missed that.
At least you found the handle.
Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.
You know, you're still an asshole.
Yeah, well, you're still
shorter than my cat.
Here's your transaction number.
Hit it, dick licker.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, Trevor.
- Yup.
Glad to see you haven't changed a bit.
Bye-bye now.
- Was it push or pull?
- Clean push.
- Which one is it?
- You want me to do it for you?
Which one is it?
Hey, hey, hey! Goddamn it, Joyner!
Jenny!
Jenny, get the Windex!
And security for this one.
Get your asshole off my door! That's it!
Bob! Bob!
Bob! Bob! Bob!
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Mr. Joyner. Guess who
we're about to arrest
for conspiracy to commit treason.
That's right. Your lovely wife.
So, here's what you're going to do.
You're going to tell us
exactly where you and Bob are.
Then you're going to go outside
and you're going to keep Bob on-site
until we arrive.
And if he leaves, you lose.
Is that clear?
Oh, hey.
I don't know what happened in there,
and I just froze up.
I locked up. I'm sorry.
Look, Bob, I...
No, I gotta tell you something,
CJ, listen.
You're the only one
who's ever been nice to me,
the only one who's never laughed at me.
And you're the only one
in this whole world that I trust.
And I know you have a lot of friends,
but I don't.
You're my only friend, Calvin.
And I will never
let you down again, I promise.
I'm sorry, man.
Sorry for what?
I told Harris where we are.
They were going to hurt Maggie.
I had to. I didn't have a choice.
I'm sorry.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Freeze, Bob! Hands on your head!
Do it now!
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
I know you know how this goes,
so I'll spare you the dramatics.
I'll ask you just once.
Where are the satellite encryption codes?
Aw. What's the matter, Bob?
Are you upset that
your friend turned you in?
I don't have any friends.
Okay, I don't want to watch this, guys.
Don't worry, it'll be over quick.
She always gets them to break.
AGENT HARRIS: (ON SPEAKER)
Okay. You have it your way.
We're going to do this old-school.
Get the extraction tools.
The extraction tools?
If you don't have the stomach for it,
you can go.
Come on.
Stop recording.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Why am I coming here?
I was told I'd be able to leave.
You can leave,
when Agent Harris says you can leave,
which might be never.
I gotta watch this.
- (GROANING)
- (BONE SNAPS)
(BOB CONTINUES GROANING)
(WHISPERS) I'm sorry, Bob.
I'm sorry, man.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(BOB CONTINUES GROANING)
Oh, Jesus!
What the hell?
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMS) Hey! Hey!
Don't move!
You get your hands off!
Get them off the keyboard!
- What are you doing, Calvin?
- Give me your keycard!
Give me your keycard!
Give it to me.
- Okay...
- Go sit down.
(SOFTLY) Okay. Yeah.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Sit down! Sit down!
- Okay, okay, okay.
(BOB BREATHING HEAVILY)
You know, Bob?
This is actually
my favorite part of the job.
Thank you for being so uncooperative.
What do you think
your little buddy, Joyner,
would say if he could see you like this?
Two words.
I'm in.
What-what?
You're making a big mistake, Mr. Joyner.
That's only if I'm wrong.
Come on, Bob. Let's go!
What're you doing? Come on, man!
(PANTING)
Okay, listen to me. Bob, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I double-crossed you.
You hear me?
I should've believed you,
I should've trusted you, and I didn't.
I'm sorry for that.
Listen to me. Bob,
we don't have time for this, man!
I need you to tap into
that super-spy stuff
and I need you to get us the hell
out of here right now. Do you hear me?
I'm not a super spy, Calvin.
I'm Robbie Wheirdicht, super tool.
No, stop. You're not a super tool.
You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht.
You're Bob Stone!
- (EXCLAIMS) I made that name up.
- So what?
- It's not real.
- What does that mean? What does that mean?
(STAMMERS) You think Mr. T and Sting
were born with those names?
How do you think I got
the name "Golden Jet" at high school?
- 'Cause you're awesome.
- No, that's not how.
In the eighth grade, I ran track.
It was my first race.
Okay, the race came down
to me and this other kid.
I wanted to win the race so damn bad
that I ended up peeing in my pants
at the finish line.
That's how I got the name "Golden Jet. "
So, take it from a guy who's literally
pissed his pants in front of everybody
just to win a race.
You are who you decide to be.
And you chose to be
an international CIA spy.
Come on, man.
You get to kill people for a living.
How cool is that?
I don't know. (LAUGHS)
Kinda cool I guess.
What do you mean "kinda cool"?
Ain't no kinda cool.
Stop it! It's awesome.
Now, come on, man. We boys?
- We're boys.
- Oh!
Sorry, Jet.
- (BONES CRACKING)
- Oh, God!
- (GROANS)
- Oh, God!
See? Good as new.
Wow. Sorry, man.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
AGENT: Go, go!
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Get me out!
He got the jump on us. Give me the key.
- (GRUNTING)
- CALVIN: Look out, Bob!
Here, Jet! Get him!
Watch out!
(CHOKING)
Did you see that, Bob?
I did the thing! I did the thing, Bob!
Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Yeah! Yeah!
- Come on! Follow me!
- Let's do it!
No! What the fuck am I doing?
Here! You get the gun.
- I'm behind you. Go.
- All right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, my God. There's two of them.
Yeah, I'll distract them
and you open the door, okay?
- What? No!
- Let's roll.
No, no.
Go, go!
- Close in!
- Moving out!
- Freeze, Bob!
- Sorry about this, guys.
(MEN SCREAMING)
- BOB: Nope, come here.
- (MAN SCREAMS)
(DOOR BEEPS)
Come on.
Wrong keycard, pal. Turn around.
You needed this one.
On the ground, now.
Can I say something first?
- What?
- This is going to hurt.
- (BOB GRUNTS)
- (CALVIN EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS LOUDLY)
- Hey, get the keycard! Let's roll.
- All right, all right.
Which car are we taking?
Not that one.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh, sh-
Oh.
Here we go, Jet.
- Bob, they are shooting at us!
- It's okay, it's bulletproof.
Drive, drive!
(WHISTLING)
(GRUNTS) Here you go, Jet.
What's this?
Bug-out bag, courtesy of the CIA.
Go ahead and grab that
encrypted phone in there.
For what?
You still have the bank transaction code?
How are transaction numbers gonna help us
find out where the bad guys are?
Well, it's not bank transaction
numbers or codes, it's actually-
Longitude and latitude.
(LAUGHS) Look at the spy brain
on the Jet! What-what!
You're like a chocolate
Google. (MIMICS BEEPING)
- Bob, don't do that. Stop it. Stop it.
- (SIGHS)
You're getting good at this, man.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
It's longitude and latitude.
All you gotta do is plug those
digits into the GPS, and boom!
We're gonna catch the buyer
and The Badger, just like that.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Boston.
(SIGHS)
We're gonna need a plane.
You ever steal a plane before?
- I stole some Starbursts one time.
- Mmm-hmm.
So I don't know
if that compares or anything,
but I wasn't successful with that.
On the way out, I dropped 'em.
Dropped the whole bag. The guy caught me.
"What's that?" I just said, "A Starburst. "
Told him myself. It was a mess.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Check it out. The universe provides.
CALVIN: Oh.
Golden Jet.
- Golden Jet.
- Golden Jet.
- It's just one guard in there.
- All right.
90% of spy work is distraction.
You get in there and distract that guard,
I'm gonna get us a plane.
What?
I don't know what the hell you expect-
(WHISPERS) Bob!
Bob!
Fuck!
Fuck you, Bob!
Damn it!
Hey, I need a plane.
Sir, you cannot be in here.
This is a private airfield.
I understand that but I have an organ
in this cooler right now
that needs to get transported ASAP.
Really?
Because my sister-in-law
had a heart transplant last year
and they did not bring it
in a Playmate lunch cooler.
I hate to break it to you,
but this is not a...
- This is not a heart.
- It's not a heart?
No, it's not.
Hmm. What is it then?
- It's a dick.
- Okay.
I am made of questions right now.
Well, you don't have to ask.
Last night, lady got into it with a man.
She ended up cutting his pecker off.
She left with it, got in a car, drove,
got on 95, threw it out the window.
The second largest penis hunt
in the state history.
The man was Korean, so you better believe
it took a long time to find.
JARED: You're stereotyping Korean dicks.
That's racist.
I've seen Korean dicks bigger than you.
Okay, after finding it,
the guy brought it to me,
and he said, "Do your due diligence in
getting this dick where it's got to go. "
That's what I do.
I'm a dick deliverer specialist.
Oh, DDS?
Like a dentist but for dicks.
Uh...
So, people are like,
"Here's a dick. Find a plane. "
That's how you do it?
You're like an Uber for dicks?
Where do you get these jobs?
On Craigslist?
Okay, sir, we don't need
to demean each other here.
I don't believe a word you're saying.
Let me see it.
I have no problem showing you this.
So if you wanna see it
then get ready to see.
- Here I go.
- Go for it.
- (HISSING)
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
(SCREAMS)
I'm just kidding. This is my friend.
- Oh!
- It's my buddy.
His name's Snake Gyllenhaal.
- He guards my lunch.
- Okay, that's enough.
It's gotta be Harris, right?
What do you mean?
I mean, she's gotta be The Black Badger.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
I mean, she's had access
to the encryption codes
and she's so hot and bothered about
pinning this whole thing on you.
It's gotta be her!
(SIGHS) I don't know, Jet.
I'm pretty sure she thinks
I'm The Black Badger.
She worked me over pretty good
in that interrogation room.
- (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
- Hold on, wait, wait... What's going on?
What's that?
What's going on right now, Bob?
- (ALARM BLARING)
- No biggie. We're completely outta gas.
Oh, my- Oh!
(SCREAMING)
We're going down, Jet!
There's nothing I can do!
- Oh, shit!
- Really quickly...
What's the one thing
you wish you'd done in your life?
The one thing I wish I hadn't done
is not get in a plane with a guy
who didn't check the goddamned fuel!
- Why wouldn't you check the fuel?
- No, something that's real.
What's the one thing
you regret not doing for you?
Oh, my God! I think we're gonna die!
(WAILING)
Not having a kid, man!
Not being a father!
I regret not being a father!
Maggie, I should've gave you a kid!
I should've gave you my seed, Maggie!
I should've!
I'm so selfish!
(ENGINE TURNS ON)
I'm sorry, Maggie!
(CONTINUES CRYING)
(SIGHS)
- That wasn't so hard, right?
- What?
Hey, just for the record,
I think you'd make a great dad.
Did you just fake this whole thing?
Yeah, kinda.
You gotta be shitting me glory!
No, not at all.
I just thought that maybe a
facing-your-own-death situation
might help motivate you
to clarify some of your goals in life.
And, hey, between me and you,
I know you've been struggling
a little bit.
You know what I'm struggling with
right now, Bob?
Not whooping your ass.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, Jet.
Hey, you're really cute when you cry.
Stop it! Enough!
I don't get it.
I mean, if these coordinates are correct,
we should be standing right on top of it.
The deal doesn't go down
for another 30 minutes, Jet,
- so we're kinda early.
- No!
Why would you do it
out in the open like this?
Why would you take that risk?
Just doesn't make any sense, man.
Shit! Come on.
Wait.
Oh, wait.
It's not happening up here.
No, it's not. It's...
Oh, it's happening beneath us. Look.
It's an underground parking garage.
Yeah, that's a good eye, Jet.
Why don't you stay up here?
Keep overwatch.
I'll go down there and check things out.
Wait, what? No, I'm going with you.
You can't go with me.
The smarter play is if we split up.
Smarter play for who?
Do you know what happens
when people split up, Bob?
Somebody dies!
I'd be the one to die. You know why?
Because I don't have a bulletproof vest
and I don't have a gun!
Which means that you
are my bulletproof vest!
My little black ass is gonna stay
behind you, you're not leaving me!
That's exactly why
you should stay up here.
Look, if you went down
in that garage and you got shot to death,
you know how hurt I would be?
I'd be super bummed out!
I don't want that.
It's safer for you up here.
If something happened up here,
what am I supposed to do, Bob?
How do I get your attention?
Make a bird call?
(SQUAWKING)
Does that sound like a bird to you? Huh?
That's my biggest weakness!
I can't make bird noises.
I never could.
So if that's what
I gotta depend on to live,
it means I'm gonna die!
I'mma die up here, by myself
sounding like a dead-ass pigeon.
(CAWS)
- I have no idea what a pigeon-
- Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet!
You don't have to make bird noises.
You don't have to sound like a pigeon.
All you gotta do
is call me on the encrypted phone
that's in your hand.
- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
All right?
Oh, Jet.
I'll see you on the other side.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(GUN COCKS)
You're early.
So are you.
(EXHALES) Come on.
(WHISPERS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I knew it.
I knew it. I knew
she was The Black Badger!
Oh, my God!
- Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.
- (LINE RINGS)
BOB: Yello?
Bob, Harris is The Black Badger!
Hello?
Harris is The Black Badger!
I can't hear you.
Harris is The Black Badger!
(BOB LAUGHS)
Just kidding! I'm not here.
Leave a message at the beep.
- What?
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh. Harris is
The Black Badger!
Harris is The Black Badger!
I knew it. I knew it.
Harris is The Black Badger!
Bob! Harris is The...
(GUNS COCKING)
Who is he?
That's my partner.
I don't like splitting my fees.
The package. Please.
Thought you'd never ask.
Wait! You're making a mistake.
Hello, Bob.
But you're dead.
Not as much as people think.
Look, he's not The Black Badger...
I am.
And those aren't the encryption codes,
these are.
He's lying to you.
This man is a CIA agent,
and he's trying to sell you bogus plans.
(GROANING SOFTLY)
Damn.
Ow, ow.
He shot me.
These are the real codes
and I am the real Black Badger.
(QUIETLY)
Bob is The Black Badger.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Bob is The Black Badger.
I am The Black Badger.
Phil?
No, I'm The Black Badger.
I'm starting to think
I might be The Black Badger.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Here's the thing.
I have no idea
who is the real Black Badger.
And I don't care.
'Cause I'm The Honey Badger.
And The Honey Badger doesn't give a shit.
The Honey Badger's nasty.
He's so nasty, he'll take them both.
- (GUNS COCKING)
- Hand them over.
Phil, when this thing is over,
I'm going to rip your throat out
like Patrick Swayze in Road House.
PHIL: Oh, my God. You and Road House.
Get over that movie.
It sucked then, it sucks now.
Fuck Patrick Swayze!
How dare you!
Drop your weapons!
(MEN GROANING)
Oh! Oh, shit!
The codes.
Don't do it.
Stupid.
(EXHALES)
Okay.
One,
two,
three! Shit!
(CALVIN YELLS)
Uh-oh! Oh!
No!
He's got the codes!
(GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (PANTING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
- (PANTING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
Whoo!
I mean, this is crazy, right?
You stay the hell away from me, Bob!
You shot me in the neck!
Jet!
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
Okay.
Golden Jet for the win! (LAUGHS)
No. Shit!
Drop your weapon, Bob.
Oh, shit!
Get behind me, Mr. Joyner.
Ah, you don't wanna do that, Jet.
It's obvious he's the bad guy.
I'm the good guy. You wanna get behind me.
Agent Harris had me go dark
to get Bob to reveal himself
as The Black Badger.
You don't seriously
believe this guy, do you?
You wanna get behind me, Jet.
You betrayed your nation, Bob.
You betrayed your partner, Phil.
Okay, no, wait! Everybody just stop!
Cut the shit!
I'mma cut the line right now!
I cut the shit!
Hear me? Now I don't care
who betrayed who.
Okay? I just don't wanna get hurt!
- So there ain't gonna be no- Shit!
- (GUNS FIRING)
(SOFTLY) Come on.
(GRUNTING)
Shi...
(SLOWLY) Shit.
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
Smart move, Mr. Joyner.
You've done your country a great service.
Now, hand me the firearm
and we'll turn over
the satellite codes together.
Stay right there, man.
Don't you take another step.
Just because I shot him
does not mean I trust you.
We don't have time for this.
- Stop! I said, "Stop. "
- (GUN CLICKS)
Aw, whoopsie.
(GRUNTS)
(SCOFFS) Nice throw, bitch.
You wanna know why your pal Bob
could never have been The Black Badger?
It's because he's too weak.
And if I had to hear
another goddamned story
about Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner
and how awesome you were in high school
and how you were
this big idiot's best friend,
(CHUCKLES) I was just gonna lose it.
Looking at you right now,
you don't seem so cool.
You just seem like a regular guy.
An everyday Joe.
You know, faking my own death
was the easy part.
But dealing with Bob, day after day,
was the hard part.
Hey, Phil.
What, Bob?
I'll see you on the other side.
(STUTTERS) No, I hope we don't. All right?
Just, no. Bye, bye, bye.
Just go.
I made up the Black Badger,
rigged up a blood bag
and that big dummy bought it.
- Bob!
- (ALARM BLARING)
No, no! (GRUNTING) Hang on, buddy.
No, there's some sort of bomb in here.
You're pushing it closed, I think.
- No, no, no. Sorry.
- No, don't give up!
Bye, Bob.
PHIL: I'm getting away with
a half a billion dollars.
And Boy Scout Bob is gonna
spend his life in prison.
Ain't America great?
So now you're gonna be
the second partner of Bob's to die.
Just relax.
On your knees, Golden Jet.
(GROANS)
What the hell was that?
Golden Jet flip.
Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.
I know.
Then why'd you do it?
Distraction.
(GRUNTS)
(GASPING)
Oh, you just pulled his throat out!
I'll see you on the other side.
Jet, come here.
Give me your hand, old buddy.
Oh, shit! Get that away from me!
Sorry, Jet.
Come here, Jet.
That was a trachea. (GROANS)
Great distraction, man!
Sorry I had to shoot you, Jet.
It was the only way
I could save your life.
But when you shot me
to get Phil to confess
that he was The Black Badger,
that was some next-level-type shit!
Yeah, no.
I'm glad you see it the way I saw it.
That was my plan the whole time. So...
You are a natural for this line of work.
I mean, you're smart,
you got the skill set,
you're a people person
and you already got a dope-ass code name,
"The Golden Jet!" What?
But in the meantime,
we gotta get those encryption codes
over to Harris right away
or we're gonna be late.
What are you talking about? Late for what?
The reunion, dude. What-what!
(CHUCKLES) This shit's on!
Bob. (SIGHS) Damn it.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Bob!
One more thing.
Thanks for securing the satellite codes.
You really saved my ass.
Your country thanks you.
Just doing my job.
I'm really sorry about your hand.
I hope you know that wasn't personal.
Oh, no hard feelings at all, Pam.
(CHUCKLES)
Besides, everybody makes mistakes.
Calvin, here, thought
you were The Black Badger.
(STAMMERS)
I don't... No, I don't think...
When we were in the plane,
you said, "Hey, Harris is the Black... "
I think you should... Maybe I...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure
working with you.
If you ever want a career change,
you give me a call.
If I were to give you a call,
how would I get in touch with you?
Just pick up any phone in your house.
They're all bugged.
(CHUCKLES)
You're crazy. Hey, you're crazy!
(CHUCKLES)
That's a good one.
Calvin! I got your text
and came right over.
Where the hell have you been?
Why did you get out of a helicopter?
Hey, uh, Maggie.
Uh, hi!
Babe, why is Dr. Dan with you?
Well... Uh...
That's not Dr. Dan.
Allow me to properly introduce myself.
My name is Bob Stone,
the artist formerly known as
Robbie Wheirdicht.
I work for the CIA.
I roped your husband
into helping me track down a traitor,
who was gonna sell
military state secrets to a terrorist.
We did all that, we stopped them,
we saved the free world, and here we are.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What the hell is going on?
Okay, listen, listen.
I've been a fool. All right?
I thought that my life was a failure.
I thought that it wasn't special.
But it is special.
It's special because I have you in it.
You are my world.
You are what makes me special!
You're everything to me, Mags.
I love you.
I love you.
BOB: Okay.
Here come the waterworks.
I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
- Come on, come on.
- Okay.
- That's Robbie Wheirdicht?
- Yeah.
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hi, Brian.
- Hi, Gail.
Guys, this isn't a good idea.
You know what?
I'll just meet you later.
I shouldn't have come.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bob, calm down, okay? Listen to me.
Tonight is not gonna be
how high school was for you 20 years ago.
I promise.
HOSTESS: Attention, por favor.
And now,
for the moment
you've all been waiting for,
tonight's vote for the reunion
homecoming king and queen!
We'll announce the queen in one moment.
But first, without further ado...
The new homecoming king
for the Central High School Centaurs,
Class of 1996 is...
I really gotta pee, Jet.
Bob Stone!
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
Do we have a Bob Stone?
Here he is, Bob Stone, huh!
- Yeah!
- (SCATTERED CLAPPING)
Go on, get your rock-hard ass up there.
For reals?
For reals, for reals. Go ahead, man.
Whoo!
You did it, big guy!
(SCATTERED CLAPPING)
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
How did Bob Stone win homecoming king?
I hacked into the votes on the flight in.
Calvin Joyner, forensic accountant,
at your service.
(CHUCKLES)
I had no idea you could do that.
There's a lot of things
that you don't know about me, Maggie.
No, scratch that I said that.
It was supposed to
come out cool. It didn't.
It was something I thought of,
it was like a...
Forget it.
TREVOR: Well, well, let's hear it for him!
Fat Robbie made good.
King Robbie Weird Dick, our naked mascot.
Why don't you just
get out of the way, Trevor?
Or what, Golden Jet?
You're gonna hop up here
and punch me in the belt?
Simmer down, Ant-Man.
- You know what? That's it. That's it.
- It's okay.
- It's all right.
- No, I've had it!
- I got it, Jet. It's okay.
- It's okay.
I'll handle it.
Whoa, whoa! Hang on. I'm not buying
this whole transformation
from ugly duckling into swan.
No one in here is.
You can fly in, in a bunch of helicopters
and dress up in a thousand suits,
but to everybody, including me,
you'll always just be the fat kid.
(LAUGHTER)
I've been thinking
about this a lot, Trevor.
And the only thing I want to say to you
is I forgive you.
You forgive me! Oh, boy! For what?
For being rad as shit.
Fuck you, fat boy.
Still a scared little bitch. (GROANS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
I don't like bullies.
(CROWD CHEERING)
And the name is Bob Stone, bitch!
Whoo-whoo!
Come on, baby. Step over.
Hi, everybody!
Most of you knew me back in high school as
Robbie Wheirdicht.
- MAN 1: That's Robbie Wheirdicht?
- No way!
I wore prescription pants every day.
Twenty years ago, in this gym,
I stood in front of you all
naked
and embarrassed.
Some of you might remember that day.
A lot of you probably even laughed.
But that's okay.
Tonight's gonna be different because
my best friend is here with me.
And he taught me what it means
to be the hero of your own story.
Would you hold this for me, please?
Being the hero of your own story
isn't about stopping bad guys
or climbing mountains.
It's about overcoming bullies
in your life,
whatever or whomever they may be.
It's about putting it all out there
for everyone
to see.
And it's realizing that, in life,
the most important thing that you can be
is yourself.
So, Central High, Class of 1996,
this is me, Robbie Wheirdicht.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(GASPING)
Oh, my God! Bob just went commando!
Yes! Yes!
(CHEERING)
CALVIN: Way to go, Bob!
Be you!
(CHANTING) Robbie!
Robbie! Robbie!
ALL: Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!
- Hey, man!
- (LAUGHS)
Dude, this is amazing!
I'm so happy for you!
Thank you, Jet! I feel so free!
- Come here.
- No, no, no.
Your junk is out.
- Oh. Sorry, Jet.
- Excuse me.
Hi, Robbie.
- You probably don't remember me.
- Darla.
- Is that Darla McGuckian?
- Yeah.
Wow! She looks great!
Didn't she used to have a lazy eye?
- Two of them.
- Wow.
I can't believe you remember me.
Remember you?
How could I forget you?
You still have the same sweet smile,
the same sweet face.
But your hair's changed.
You used to wear it curlier.
I like it though.
You haven't changed at all.
Oh, I don't know.
You're still as beautiful as ever.
Oh.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
- Yeah, Bob!
- Go, Bob!
No, no, no.
(ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
Oh, I got spinny.
Super spinny.
Yeah, that's nice.
- Can I take you to get ice-cream-
- Yes.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Super lactose intolerant, but that's okay.
Let's roll the dice.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
That's my jam!
Go show them what you got.
- All right, Darla.
- Okay.
Darla, hi. Calvin.
Hi, Colin. Nice to meet you.
- Calvin.
- And Maggie.
Maggie, hi!
Hi. You look so good.
- My gosh, you look the same.
- You do too.
Oh, I don't know.
You probably remember me
as The Golden Jet.
Your name's Golden Jeff? Hi, Jeff.
It's okay. Good to see you.
(BOB SINGING "MY LOVIN"' BY EN VOGUE)
- Good going, Bob!
- Come on, Bob!
(ALL CHEERING)
- All right.
- Good luck!
- Love you.
- I love you.
I love you, too, little Golden Jet!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Mmm...
Okay. Uh...
How long do you think he's been there?
MAGGIE: Hmm, probably since last night.
All right, babe, I'll see you later.
Have fun with your friend!
(MOUTHING) Who, me?
Yes, you.
(LAUGHS) Wow, Jet!
You look amazing!
- Do you think?
- Oh, what? Yes!
I just didn't know
the kind of look to go for
on my first day at the agency.
You look like a black Will Smith,
or something.
Okay, I'm not sure
if that's racist or not,
but I'll take it as a compliment.
All right, cool. Yeah, come on!
Okay. (LAUGHS)
All right. Don't be nervous.
You are gonna do great.
They're gonna love you!
Oh, Jet, Jet, Jet!
Um, before we go, man, uh...
I got a surprise for you.
Okay. What's the surprise?
Well, you gotta close your eyes first.
Eyes are closed.
No peeking.
Open your eyes.
Is that my... Is that my jacket?
Yes!
- Bob, is that my jacket?
- Yes!
- No, wait a minute.
- Yes!
Oh, my God!
Dude, where'd you get this from?
Well, I sleep in it most nights,
but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!
Man! You are the man! Yes!
- Family hug! What?
- Ooh. Okay.
All right, let's go!
- Okay.
- All right.
("THE BOOGIE" BY OUTASIGHT PLAYING)
- You still ride?
- (ALARM BLARING)
DIRECTOR: Cut! The fire department's here.
All right. That's our cue, guys!
BOTH: Here we are
shooting Central Intelligence.
They shut us down.
The fire trucks are out here.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Will you get the fuck out of my video?
I'mma slap the dogshit out of you.
Why do you do your video behind me?
- I'm trying to do my video!
- This is my video!
- You're in my fucking video!
- I'm pissed off.
Watch your mouth,
I'll slap the shit out of you.
Fuck you!
Okay. You have it your way.
You leave me no choice.
Pam...
(LAUGHING)
Tickler! Tickler!
Where are the codes? Where are the codes?
(CHUCKLES) It's just nice.
In here and it's kind of all...
(LAUGHING)
- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Can you do both?
- Yeah.
- (EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, my God!
(ALL LAUGHING)
It's called "soul gazing. "
Stare into my soul
and I'll stare into yours.
- Come in. Shh.
- You're not my wife!
Oh, that's it.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Bob, I'm gonna...
- Shh.
- I promise you'll never...
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Let's keep on, keep on.
DIRECTOR: Okay, for real this time.
It's for real.
This is for real, guys, yeah.
- That's it!
- Oh.
One more. Come on.
- I can't do this, I'm not...
- Shh.
Oh, my God. I've fucking had it.
Lock it! We're professionals.
- This is what we do. You ready?
- Come on, baby!
I'm gonna hit you. I told you!
- Fuck!
- (CREW LAUGHING)
Are you not a super tool?
You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht.
You're Bob Stone!
- (EXCLAIMS) I made that name up.
- So what?
- It's not real.
- What does that mean?
(STAMMERS) What, you think Mr. T and Sting
and The Rock...
You think those guys are real?
That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames
by a bunch of dumbass people.
(ALL LAUGHING)
("THE BOOGIE" BY OUTASIGHT PLAYING)
BOB: Fanny!
English - SDH
Category:Transcripts
Category:New Line Cinema Transcripts
Category:Universal Pictures Transcripts