Trouble in Bikini Bottom

The Youtube algorithm is a funny thing. In theory, the system is supposed to suggest videos related to your watch history, but every so often it recommends something completely out of left field. Like today. 
A channel called SlimReaperReviews popped up in my feed. The video was called "Top 10 WORST Spongebob Episodes!!!". Now, you might be wondering why I was even interested in this topic. Let me explain. 
I've seen a lot of internet trends come and go, but one genre of Youtube video that never seems to die is the "angry reviewer".  After shows like Angry Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic got popular, every dorky 20-something on Youtube wanted a piece of that fame. While the fake anger was easy to imitate, the humor of these knockoff shows usually fell flat. You have to keep in mind that these people thought they could become the next Roger Ebert by getting irrationally angry over children's cartoons. It's a little embarrassing to look back on now, but I used to really admire a lot of these reviewers as a kid. It was kind of endearing to see people try to make their own "shows" with nothing but a shitty camera and their bedrooms to use. All this is to say, if it feels like I'm trying to justify clicking a video called "Top 10 WORST Spongebob Episodes!!!" as a grown man, then I am. What can I say? The thumbnail brought back a lot of memories.
The thumbnail was simple. It was a low quality picture of Spongebob, his eyes huge and filled with tears. Next to him was what looked to be the Youtuber's avatar. It was a skeleton wearing a black hoodie, with three brown spikes of hair peeking out from under the hood. Coming out of his mouth was a speech bubble that said "YOU SUCK" in bright red letters. He was drawn pretty poorly, looking like something from one of those shitty "How to Draw Manga" books. Somehow, though, he kind of endeared me. His smug little anime smirk was almost begging me to click.
So I did. 
As the video loaded, I noticed something I hadn't before. It was only a few days old, with less than 10 views. I was fully expecting this to be another case of Youtube recommending me ancient videos, but apparently not. This made the style of the thumbnail even more confusing, because it looked exactly like something from 2012. Maybe it was some elaborate joke? The video finally loaded. On the screen was what looked to be a webcam view of a desk inside a child's bedroom, with toys strewn about the floor and cartoon posters covering the walls. The footage was somewhat grainy, although it wasn't unwatchable by any means. I heard the sound of something stirring just out of view of the camera. After a few seconds of rustling, a figure wearing a black trenchcoat emerges from the right side of the room. He takes a seat at the desk, with his face becoming fully visible. It was pocked with acne, with skin shinier than an oil slick. He wore square rimmed glasses and a black cap with the Nickelodeon logo on it, and true to his username, he was rail-thin. So thin that it was almost a little concerning. He reached down from under him and pulled out a toy ray gun, pointing it to the camera like an action hero.
"Hello and welcome to SlimReaperReviews, where bad cartoons come to die."
He had a strangely high-pitched and sing-songy voice, and I honestly couldn't tell if he was 13 or 30. He chuckles a little and puts down the ray gun.
"We all know that Spongebob has had some truly awful, mean-spirited, HORRIBLE episodes over the years. From Squidward torture to Patrick being a jerk to his best friend, there have been so many Scumbob episodes that it's hard to keep count!" he spoke. 
This guy had the vernacular of every angry reviewer type that existed on Youtube. While it was pretty nostalgic to see people like this again, I was sure to be in for a very basic list of the most commonly cited "worst" Spongebob episodes. While I could have clicked off the video then and there, I was sort of charmed by the shoddy presentation. Also, I was really, really bored. The video continued as expected, and honestly wasn't all that interesting, save for a few unusual bits. For one, I noticed that he never swore, which was unusual for what was supposed to be a rage-filled rant. He'd throw out a couple "gosh dangs" here and there, but it never got more explicit than that. Also, I could hear the sound of footsteps coming from outside his door. They were distinctly heavy and noticeable. He seemed to be wary of whoever was making them, because he would tense up a little whenever they got close and his voice would get much quieter. Other than these oddities, it was exactly how you would expect one of these reviews to go. Episodes like "The Splinter", "Spongebob You're Fired", and "Pet Sitter Pat" were all on the chopping block. When I got to #2 on the list, though, I was caught off guard. It was "One Coarse Meal", the episode that everybody used to rank as #1 back in the early days of Youtube. He had already put every other commonly hated episode on the list, so I had no idea what his pick for the top spot would be. 
"Alright, we've looked at the worst of the worst. The kind of episodes that just make you wonder what the heck Nickelodeon was thinking. But this next episode..."
He dramatically holds his head in his hands, sighing.
"This is the worst Spongebob episode EVER! Worse than "The Splinter"! Worse than "One Coarse Meal"! It's just so...so...DISGUSTING!"
He sounded genuinely distraught. He spat his words with such venom that it seemed more like he was talking about a serial killer than a Spongebob episode.
"Here it is, the worst episode ever. It can't be anything else but... "Trouble in Bikini Bottom."
I consider myself fairly well-versed in Spongebob (at least the early seasons), but I had never heard of this episode before. I thought maybe I had just missed it when it aired, or it was so recent that I didn't know it was out. I let him continue.
"This episode starts with Patrick and Spongebob hanging out in the pineapple's living room. Spongebob is excited about something."
The video cut to what I assumed was a screenshot from the episode. It looked fairly legit, but a couple things were off. The coloration on the characters was much lighter than it should have been, and their outlines were sketchy, almost as if drawn with pencil. Spongebob's face was stretched into a wide grin. His expression didn't fit on his face quite right, almost like it was traced directly from another source, although I couldn't put my finger on what. The video cuts to another scene, this time fully animated.
"I just can't wait to see Mommy and Daddy again!" said Spongebob, jumping up and down.
The animation was much choppier than normal for the show, with the movements looking more like a flipbook than professional digital animation. Spongebob's voice, just like the animation, was just a little bit off. It clearly wasn't Tom Kenny, but it was a good enough impression to be able to fool kids into thinking it was. 
SlimReaper spoke again. 
"So SpongeBob and Patrick go to visit Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants. This is where the problems begin."
He showed another clip of the episode. SpongeBob and Patrick choppily walked up to the SquarePants' house's door, and before either of them can knock, it swings open. Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants stood looking as they usually did, although I couldn't help but notice they were wearing different clothes. Mrs. SquarePants had a black t-shirt and pants in lieu of her usual dress, and her husband was wearing dark blue jeans and a belt buckle with some kind of serpent emblazoned on it (it was a bit blurry, so I couldn't tell). The couple wordlessly ushered them in.
The inside of the SquarePants house was dim. There was barely any furniture, only a few chairs coated in a thick layer of dust. SpongeBob's Dad sat down on one of them and patted his knee, beckoning his son to come closer. SpongeBob, of course, obliged. His father finally spoke:
"I've been waiting to see you again, buddy. I missed you so much."
Again, the voice was odd. Unlike SpongeBob, though, this character appears so infrequently that I don't even know what he's supposed to sound like. The clip cut away after this line, with SlimReaper shaking his head no in a dramatic fashion. 
"I don't even want to show you the rest. I really don't. But, a reviewer's gotta do what a reviewer's gotta do."
The next clip he showed was of SpongeBob's Dad hugging him closely to his chest. They both looked content. Suddenly, SpongeBob's eyes jerk upwards to meet his father's. Mr. SquarePants holds his son by the back of his head, and pulls him in closer to his face. He purses his lips, like he's coming in for a kiss. Suddenly, he lurches forward and locks lips with the yellow sponge, in the way a husband and wife would.  SpongeBob is clearly terrified, trying to pry off his father's grip. When Mr. Squarepants' hands wander down toward his son's pants, SpongeBob finally breaks free and runs out of the house crying. The shot ends with his parents scowling in disapproval and Patrick looking bewildered. The video cuts back to SlimReaper.
"Yeah, I didn't notice it as a kid, but SpongeBob's Dad is pretty creepy in this episode. But don't worry, it gets worse."
I had to pause at that point. What the fuck was this? It clearly wasn't anything aired on Nickelodeon. Was this some weird porn parody? I unpaused the video. I had to watch on. I needed to know where this was going. 
SpongeBob was now back in the living room with Patrick, but this time he had a cartoonishly large frown and was staring at the ground.
"What's wrong, SpongeBob?" asks Patrick.
SpongeBob, not looking up, replied:
"Sometimes I don't like being with Daddy. He hugs me too much sometimes."
Patrick put his stubby arm over SpongeBob's shoulder and laughed.
"But SpongeBob, he loves you! He's not trying to be mean. Your Daddy loves you, no matter what." 
When he said that last sentence, Patrick looked right at the camera, almost as if directly talking to the audience. SpongeBob sniffles.
"I know, Patrick. But sometimes he and Mommy make me feel bad."
"SpongeBob, don't stop talking to your parents. Remember, they know what's best for you. Think of all the fun times you've had together! Rollerskating, Glove World, Goofy Goober's on Friday nights."
SpongeBob's frown softened, and he paused for a moment.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess they have done a lot for me."
Patrick grinned.
"That's the spirit, buddy! So, do you wanna have more fun, or do you wanna be a baby?"
SpongeBob pumped his fists in the air excitedly.
"I WANNA HAVE FUN!!!"
"Then let's go!"
The standard bubble transition played, and SpongeBob and Patrick were back inside the SquarePants' house. Mr. SquarePants was seated in the chair he was in before. SpongeBob ran up and hugged him. 
"Oh, Daddy. I'm so sorry I ran away. I'll never do it again!"
SpongeBob's father beamed with pride.
"It's okay, buddy. Just make sure not to tell anybody else, or you might not see me again for a really long time."
"Don't worry. From this day forward, I'll never be naughty again!"
The generic "happy" ukulele music played as if some great victory had occurred, and the video cut back to SlimReaper.
"I mean, do I even need to explain what's wrong here? This is a terrible message to send to kids."
He leaned back in his chair, sighing.
"I used to watch this episode all the time. It was one of my favorites. But now, as an adult, this moral seems really weird, like it's teaching kids to become complacent."
He sighed again, staring directly at his desk.
"I've been through a lot. That's all I'll say, I've been through a lot. This message is very, very personal to me. People who want to take advantage of your kindness, will always, always use these tactics. Clearly nobody on the SpongeBob writing team knew that."
I was beginning to regret ever making fun of this guy. A deep sense of unease set in. This can't be real. It just can't be. Was he trolling? Was this all a joke? As much as I wanted that to be true, it seemed very unlikely. It would have taken a lot of effort to create that episode, more effort than a simple joke would be worth. His emotions seemed so real. As obviously fake as his anger was towards the other episodes, this one was different. 
"I'd rather not talk about this episode any longer. It triggers memories I want to forget. Unfortunately, I've seen it so many times that it's burned into my brain. Anyway, take care."
The video finally ended.
After the video finished, I decided to look up the episode on Google. Nothing. There were episodes with similar names, sure, but there was no evidence of any episode called "Trouble in Bikini Bottom" anywhere. As far as the internet was concerned, what I just saw didn't exist. Already out of options, I did the only thing I could do to solve this mystery. I contacted the source of it. I left a simple comment under the video saying:
"Hi, I've looked and looked and I can't find the episode you put at #1. Was this some bootleg you found? I'm really curious."
Within a few minutes, SlimReaper replied:
"Stop trolling dude. I literally just ripped the whole episode off a DVD set. Can't get more official than that."
Now I was really confused. I replied back:
"Hi again. No, I'm not trolling. I can't find it anywhere on Google. If you looked it up yourself, you wouldn't be able to find it either."
SlimReaper shot back within seconds:
"I don't need to look it up. I already know it's real. If you wanna argue, let's do it somewhere else. You can contact me through the links on my about page."
Luckily, SlimReaper did have a way to contact him linked in the description of his channel. For ease of reading, I'll transcribe what went down in the DMs.
ME: Hi, it's SoulCaptor from YouTube. 
SlimReaper: Oh, it's you.
SlimReaper: This episode is real. I saw it probably a hundred times as a kid. 
SoulCaptor: Again, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think it is. I looked up an episode list on Wikipedia and "Trouble in Bikini Bottom" wasn't on it. Can't you just check on Wikipedia yourself, anyways?
SlimReaper: Can't use Wikipedia. They won't let me. 
SoulCaptor: Why not?
SlimReaper: They won't let me.
SoulCaptor: Okay, can you at least provide some proof other than your word? Maybe like a DVD release or something?
SlimReaper: Sure
It took a few minutes, but SlimReaper eventually replied with a picture of what looked like a SpongeBob DVD menu. There were four episodes listed on a plain white background. The first three were real episodes, with a screenshot of the episode listed above the respective title and a brief plot synopsis under that. The fourth episode was, as promised, "Trouble in Bikini Bottom". The screenshot was just a stock picture of SpongeBob smiling. I now remembered where I had seen that grin SpongeBob had at the beginning of the episode. It was traced directly from this stock promo art. The plot synopsis under the title read simply: "SpongeBob is very naughty."
SlimReaper: Good enough for ya?
SoulCaptor: Look, I don't know where you got this, but this episode wasn't made by Nickelodeon. No kids' network would ever air something like this.
SlimReaper: I got it from my parents on my 4th birthday. I'm sure they watched every episode on it with me a million times. They put it on a lot for some reason.
My stomach dropped. I was starting to put together who the kind of people were that would want their kids to watch this. The kind of people that would have forced their kids to watch this. I realized that if I pried too much, he would block me entirely. I decided to take a different route.
SoulCaptor: So, how did you become a reviewer anyway? It seems like you're not allowed on the internet much.
SlimReaper: What? What does this have to do with our conversation?
SoulCaptor: I'm just curious. I liked your video a lot. I was just confused about this particular episode.
SlimReaper: If you're trying to troll me or something, it won't work. Trust me. 
SoulCaptor: I'm not trying to "troll" you. I just want to talk. Really. This conversation is between you and me only. 
SlimReaper: Fine.
SlimReaper: I've been interested in the internet since I was little. We were never allowed to use computers in my house, so my brother and I would sometimes sneak into Dad's office and watch Youtube when we weren't supposed to. He loved Nostalgia Critic, AVGN, MrEnter, etc. I thought they were funny, too. That was the only Youtube stuff I ever watched, pretty much. 
SoulCaptor: Cool. Where's your brother now?
SlimReaper: He left. He's gone.
I decided I wasn't going to push that any further.
SlimReaper: I do this because I'm bored, and because I want to look back on the stuff I watched as a kid. It distracts me. Besides, isn't this what's cool on YouTube still?
I didn't want to tell him that his reviewing style peaked about 10 years ago, poor kid probably doesn't know there's anything else ON YouTube.
SlimReaper: Can we get back on topic? Or are you gonna keep asking weird personal questions?
SoulCaptor: Sure. Hold on, I'll send you all the evidence I have about the episode. 
I sent him screenshots of Google searches, episode listings that I Ctrl-F'ed with no results, and empty IMDB pages. 
SlimReaper: No, its real
I was honestly about ready to give up. He clearly didn't want to change his mind. Then he kept replying.
SlimReaper: Its photoshop you fucking liar
SoulCaptor: Please, for both our sakes, just Google it yourself. I'm not trying to hurt you. If the episode was made by the people I think it was, you need to call the police.
A few minutes passed. At first, I thought got up and ditched me, but then he finally answered.
SlimReaper: Nothing
SlimReaper: its not there
SlimReaper: it never was there
SlimReaper: The one thing
SlimReaper: The one fucking thing I had was my comfort show
SlimReaper: They lied didn't they
SlimReaper: I should have known
SlimReaper: Maybe I always knew
SlimReaper: Who made this
SlimReaper: They wanted me to see it
SlimReaper: I was just so used to it I didn't know it was wrong
SlimReaper: Don't tell me it was just another tool they used
SlimReaper: To make me complacent, to groom me
SlimReaper: Please
SlimReaper: Let this all be a bad dream
SlimReaper: Wait
Again, a few minutes passed. Then he sent an image. 
It was a belt, the buckle emblazoned with a snake perched atop a skull, its tail weaving through the empty eyeholes. The same belt Mr. SquarePants wore.
SlimReaper: It's my dad's i found it in his closet
SlimReaper: I'm so stupid
SlimReaper: I'm so fucking stupid
SlimReaper: It was all for me 
SlimReaper: Goddammit it was all for me
SlimReaper: I need to make this right
I waited another few minutes, my heart caught in my throat.
SlimReaper: I destroyed it
SoulCaptor: What?
SlimReaper: I destroyed the disc. It's gone.
SlimReaper: I need to leave now
SlimReaper: I AM VERY NAUGHTY
SlimReaper: I AM VERY NAUGHTY
SlimReaper: I AM VERY NAUGHTY
The chat, as well as his entire channel, were deleted in the next few minutes. There's no trace of him anywhere now. SlimReaperReviews' online legacy ended just as quickly as it started. I sincerely hope he's okay, but you never know with people.
You just never know.
Category:SpongeBob
Category:Lost Media
Category:Lost Videos
Category:YouTube
Category:NSFW