Transcript:The Prince of Iorden, Part 1

THE ONCE AND FUTURE NERD - Book 1 - PRINCES OF IORDEN
 Chapter 1 - "The Prince of Iorden"
 Audio Play by Zach Glass & Christian T. Madera
 Based on the Teleplay by Christian T. Madera
PROLOGUE:
 DARKEST PART OF NIGHT
 EXT. DENSE UNSPOILED FOREST 
 
 NARRATOR
 Imagine, if you can, what life is like for a rabbit.
 Imagine what it means to be vulnerable all your life.
 Which is my very poetic way of saying that life’s hard
 for a rabbit. Life’s also hard for a small business
 owner who accidentally witnesses the death of god. But
 I’d rather start with the rabbit. This particular story
 begins with a rabbit who was called -- let me come back
 to what he was called.
 The speech of the sprites (I’m a wood sprite, you see)
 is a very old tongue. It was never known by the
 wood-folk, or the river folk. Even the fearsome and
 venerable mountain-folk have long-since forgotten it.
 But it is still the tongue in which all lifeforms that
 lack the organs of speech can commune. And we, the wood
 sprites, hear all.
 Of course, it is very difficult to translate this
 tongue into yours. But I vow to do my best.
 The name of this particular rabbit, in the speech of
 the sprites, is best translated as ’Mr. Fluffy Toes.’
 Mr. Fluffy Toes had been having a good day. He had
 eaten a few solid meals and avoided detection by an owl
 through skillful burrowing. He had taken to foraging
 for another meal in the magical din of the nocturnal
 forest. So, you can imagine his disappointment when,
 out of nowhere, an arrow flew through his ribcage and
 punctured his liver.
 "You’ve got to be shitting me," thought Mr. Fluffy
 Toes. Approximately. "It couldn’t have been at least a
 decent hunter? At least owls know how to stun and kill
 quickly."
 In his defense, the bowman, who was called Peter of
 Brimshire, never claimed to be a good hunter. Peter
 owned an inn, which was in a rather remote location.
 Apparently, Peter of Brimshire had never heard the
 addage, "location, location, location." And, if truth
 be told, Peter was not very smart. A decent man, to be
 sure, but not what you might call sharp. Indeed, Peter
 was not nearly as smart relative to other men as Mr.
 Fluffy Toes was relative to other rabbits. It actually
 makes the whole thing seem kind of unfair. Then again,
 Peter was not nearly as prolifically successful a
 procreator as Mr. Fluffy Toes. So, win some lose some.
 But I digress.
 SAME - A FEW MINUTES LATER 
 Peter of Brimshire would not normally have been out hunting, least of all at this hour. 
 But the remoteness
 of Peter’s Inn meant that when a nobleman of no small
 wealth and power asked for a room, Peter was strongly
 inclined to cater to his every whim. Including his
 bizarre request for rabbit stew in the middle of the
 night. He was actually surprised when he made the shot.
 He had removed the arrow and was about to start
 skinning the mortal remains of the late Mr. Fluffy
 Toes, when the faint orange glow of fire, off in the
 distance, caught his attention.
 He crept clumsily towards the glow and found it to be
 coming from a clearing. Peeking into the clearing, he
 saw a vat of burning oil casting an angry, orange light
 around the trees.
 From among the trees emerged a figure in a black hooded
 cloak, its face invisible. Peter quickly ducked back
 into hiding, and then slowly peeked back out.
 Dozens more cloaked figures emerged from the woods and
 gathered around the edge of the clearing. Four broke
 through the crowd, dragging behind them a man in
 chains.
 It was all Peter could do not to cry out in alarm, for
 the chained man was the very nobleman who had sent him
 out rabbit hunting, the crest of House Guernatal
 emblazoned proudly on his chest. It occurred to Peter
 that his entire hunting trip had been for naught. It
 did not occur to Peter that, had he not gone hunting,
 he would have been at his inn when the scary cloaked
 things came to abduct his guest. As I said, not too
 clever, that Peter of Brimshire.
 Where was I? Ah, yes, the figures in cloaks. They threw
 Peter’s wealthy guest down, and nailed his chains to
 the ground with iron stakes so that his limbs were
 splayed apart. Two of the wraith-like things knelt by
 his wrists with daggers, while a third one, larger than
 the rest, unsheathed a two-handed sword.
 Peter’s sense of duty overcame his earlier, selfish
 thoughts. He could not sit idly by while the High
 Prince - his High Prince, was murdered. With a shaking
 hand, he reached for an arrow. That’s when the fear
 paralyzed him.
 
 Because at that moment, an awed silence came over the cloaked congregation. They parted to make way for another figure, slight of stature and feminine of gait. Her appearance was not what petrified Peter, but rather the staff she carried. It was sharpened at the bottom, and the markings on it were...wrong. The shapes on it...were not things that should be. At least in Peter’s mind.
 She removed her hood, but her back was to Peter. She
 was too far away for Peter to hear the following
 exchange, but we sprites, as I said, hear all.
 PRINCE
 Not your most imaginative work.
 WOMAN
 You haven’t seen the interesting part yet.
 PRINCE
 See you soon, my dear.
 WOMAN
 Will you, now?
 NARRATOR
 The woman nodded, and with chilly resolve her minions
 opened the chained man’s wrists as the greatsword came
 down on his neck. The pointed end of the eldritch staff
 pierced his heart.
 The last thing Peter of Brimshire’s eyes ever saw was a
 flash of brilliant light.
 Somewhere, not so very far away, a newborn infant slid
 through a flash of brilliant light, and into the world.
 END OF PROLOGUE.
 EXT. SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - MIDDAY
EPISODE ONE:
 NARRATOR
 Until indicated otherwise, what follows is admittedly
 hearsay. I have it from a friend sprite. A toilet seat
 bacteria sprite, if you must know. For indeed, even
 among the sprites, some draw the short straw
 career-wise. But my friend is honest and not
 overly-prone to exaggeration. So I shall relay her
 story to you, and you may take it as salted as you
 please.
 My friend lives in a land that is called ’North East
 Pennsylvania’ by its inhabitants. In this land there is
 a school, and in this school there is a bathroom, with
 several toilet stalls.
 The story my friend told begins with a boy and a girl
 in one of those toilet stalls. They had 17 and 16
 years, and were called Billy and Jen, respectively. He
 wore a red and gold jacket which signified his
 captaincy of the school’s football team, and she wore
 the traditional garments of what is called a
 ’cheerleader,’ also in red and gold. They were both
 quite handsome, and well-formed of body, and were thus
 drawn to each other, as humans of that age are wont to
 be.
 JEN
 You sure about this, Billy?
 BILLY
 Babe, I told you it’d be all right, didn’t I?
 JEN
 But what if--
 NARRATOR
 --Billy pulled her in for a kiss and she quickly forgot
 her reservations.
 Until, that is, the door of the bathroom flew open.
 Several athletes marched in - teammates of Billy’s, in
 fact - carrying another boy by the collar of his red,
 button-down, short-sleeved shirt. This boy was called
 Nelson. He had 16 years, dark skin, and wore
 spectacles. The athletes threw him down onto the window
 sill.
 FOOTBALL PLAYER 1
 You fucked me over, you little shit! I was counting on
 your answers to pass pre-calc! Now I can’t play this
 weekend.
 NARRATOR
 Nelson knew it was in his best interest to remain
 silent or possibly apologize, but could not stop
 himself from blurting out--
 NELSON
 --I’m not even good at math. Maybe you should do your
 own work.
 FOOTBALL PLAYER 2
 What was that? What the fuck was that!?
 FOOTBALL PLAYER 1
 You gotta watch your mouth, faggot.
 NARRATOR
 Nelson looked frantically for some means of escape. He
 saw a device built for alerting people to a fire, and
 activated it. An ear-piercing bell rang out!
 FOOTBALL PLAYER 1
 Shit, man, we should bail.
 FOOTBALL PLAYER 2
 We’ll get you later, queermo.
 NARRATOR
 As the athletes scattered, Nelson breathed a sigh of
 relief. Billy popped his head out of the toilet stall.
 BILLY
 The hell’s going on out here?
 NARRATOR
 In marched a stern-looking man who was called Archibald
 Connor, but who demanded the students call him
 Principal Connor. Billy and Jen dove back into their
 stall and closed the door before he saw them. For what
 they had been doing was counter to rules enforced by
 Archibald Connor.
 CONNOR
 What in God’s name...? Nelson! Who pulled that alarm?
 NARRATOR
 Connor looked on the floor under the stall, but could
 only see Billy’s legs.
 CONNOR
 Is that you, Williams?
 BILLY
 It’s me, principal Connor, sir.
 NARRATOR
 Connor reached up to the wall and shut off the warning
 device.
 CONNOR
 Did you set off that alarm, Williams?
 NELSON
 It was me.
 CONNOR
 Nonsense, son. Don’t insult my intelligence.
 NELSON
 But Principal Connor--
 CONNOR
 --I’ll hear no more of it. You don’t have to cover for
 him. Captain of the football team isn’t above the
 rules.
 NELSON
 But it really was me. You see, I was--
 CONNOR
 --It was?! Well I must say I’m very disappointed in
 you. I was more than happy to set you up with
 counseling for your trouble socializing and poor
 grades--
 NELSON
 Well, I do my--
 CONNOR
 --But we can’t stand for you endangering other
 students. For shame. Oh well, detention for you.
 NELSON
 But it was only self-de--
 CONNOR
 No excuses, young man. We’ve got a zero-tolerance
 policy here. If I make an exception for you, I’ll need
 to make one for everyone.
 (INTO THE STALL)
 Hey, Williams. I also need to talk to that idiot center
 of yours. He hasn’t been in here recently, has he?
 BILLY
 Just me. You wanna help me hold it?
 NARRATOR
 Enraged by this show of disrespect, Connor burst into
 an adjacent stall, climbed onto the toilet, and peered
 over the divider to see Jen crouched on top of the
 toilet. She looked mortified.
 INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY -
 AFTERNOON
 Now, in the land of Northeast Pennsylvania, students
 were commonly punished by being forced to stay at
 school when their classmates had left, typically while
 confined to a particularly boring area of the school.
 (For those wishing to learn more about this custom, my
 friend tells me the definitive text on the matter was
 penned by a bard called John Hughes.)
 So it was that Billy, Jen, and Nelson found themselves
 incarcerated in the library of Valley Central High
 School one fateful afternoon. With them were their
 personal effects. Namely, Billy’s sporting armor, or
 "football pads," Jen’s collection of assorted
 accoutrements in a "handbag," and Nelson’s gaming token
 which was called a "d20" by those skilled in its use,
 and which he wore in a vial around his neck.
 Also with them, less importantly, was one more detained
 student, who...well, let’s just call him an herbalist,
 who had become overfond of certain plants.
 On a library table in front of Nelson were several
 writing utensils, which Nelson had arranged in order of
 size and color. For, you see, a tiny part of Nelson’s
 mind - the part that men cannot, or will not speak of -
 feared that if certain things were not in a certain
 order, some calamity would befall him. But more on that
 later.
 Jen examined herself in a small looking glass, or
 "compact," and fixed her hair nervously.
 BILLY
 This is bullshit. I need to be at practice.
 JEN
 I can’t believe he caught us making out. Shannon’s
 never gonna let me live this down.
 NARRATOR
 Jen threw her compact into her handbag.
 BILLY
 I told you she was a bitch.
 JEN
 Yeah, but she’s still captain.
 BILLY
 She’s captain ’cause she’s a bitch.
 JEN
 She’s captain ’cause she’s skinnier than me.
 BILLY
 Nah, babe, you’re way prettier. Girls just love picking
 on each other.
 (TO NELSON)
 Hey why’d you have to pull that alarm? I should kick
 your nerd ass.
 NELSON
 Your teammates were in the process of assaulting me! I
 didn’t even know you were in there!
 NARRATOR
 Nelson grimaced again at his own candor.
 BILLY
 Hey, watch your tone.
 NARRATOR
 Nelson lowered his eyes and kept them down. The
 herbalist removed a dessert, infused with his favorite
 plant, from his backpack and took a bite.
 BILLY
 You musta did something to deserve it, anyway.
 JEN
 Aww, Billy, I don’t think Nelson meant to cause
 trouble.
 BILLY
 Hey! I don’t need you taking his fuckin’ side.
 NARRATOR
 Jen also lowered her eyes.
 STONER
 (UNDER HIS BREATH)
 We don’t need you to throw so many fuckin’
 interceptions.
 BILLY
 The fuck did you just say, Dennis?
 NELSON
 My guild needs me.
 BILLY 
 What?
 NELSON
 My "World of Warcraft" guild is going on a huge raid in
 twelve minutes, and they’re counting on me. I’m the
 only Level 85 in the group.
 NARRATOR
 Billy stared at him for a few seconds, before making a
 hand gesture that simulated self-gratification.
 NELSON
 I can’t believe I’m thinking of doing this, but maybe I
 can give Charles my login.
 NARRATOR
 As Nelson got up and walked towards a machine called a
 "computer," there was a flash of lightning and a rumble
 of thunder.
 JEN
 (TO BILLY)
 At least you’re not missing practice anymore.
 BILLY
 Fuck that, I’m not scared of some rain.
 NELSON
 Darn! Principal Connor must have had them cut off
 internet to these computers after school hours.
 NARRATOR
 Jen pulled some "lipstick" out of her "handbag" and
 applied it.
 NELSON
 Darn, darn, darn!
 NARRATOR
 Nelson, in his frustration, proceeded to make an
 obnoxious racket on the computer machine.
 BILLY
 (SNAPS)
 You’re a nerd, can’t you just reroute the encryptions
 or some shit like that and shut up about it?
 NELSON
 ...Oh, I see. You must have been taken in by the
 popular misconception that everyone smart knows how to
 hack a computer. Or that computer hacking is magic...or
 that encryptions are a thing that can be rerouted.
 NARRATOR
 There was a particularly violent thunderclap, which
 startled Jen into dropping her "lipstick," and somehow
 extinguished the lights. My friend has not explained to
 me how exactly this happens.
 NELSON
 Everyone stay calm! I always keep a flashlight in my
 backpack.
 NARRATOR
 Nelson walked back to his table and rummaged through
 his belongings.
 JEN
 Did anyone see where my lipstick fell?
 NARRATOR
 Jen got up to look.
 BILLY
 SOME REAL QUALITY SHIT YOU GOT IN HERE, CONNOR!
 JEN
 I think it rolled over here somewhere...
 NARRATOR
 She bent down to look for it under some desks.
 NELSON
 Got it!
 NARRATOR
 The lights popped back on, and as Nelson looked up, his
 eyes were drawn straight to Jen’s posterior, which she
 was holding up in the air as she looked for her
 lipstick. Billy’s attention was similarly captured, but
 as soon as he realized that Nelson was looking --
 BILLY 
 Hey!!
 NARRATOR
 Jen started at this eruption, jumped up, and bumped her
 head.
 JEN
 Ow! Shit!
 BILLY
 What the fuck, you little perv?!
 NARRATOR
 Oblivious to Jen, Billy grabbed Nelson’s collar with
 one hand and made the other into a fist.
 BILLY
 What do you take me for, looking at my woman like that?
 JEN
 Billy, take it easy.
 NARRATOR
 Jen ran over and got between them.
 BILLY
 You stay out of this, Jenny.
 NARRATOR
 Despite the imminent threat of bodily harm, Nelson’s
 gaze had drifted out the window, where he realized that
 the sun was out and sky was bluer than he had ever seen
 it.
 Then, with an ENORMOUS THUNDERCRACK, the sky changed
 back to stormy. A lightning bolt burst through the
 window and immolated Billy, Jen, Nelson, and their
 belongings, in a blinding pillar of light.
 As the light faded away, an unnatural fire broke out in
 the library, spread, and then extinguished as quickly
 as it had appeared. At this point, I’m told the
 herbalist very quickly put away his dessert and looked
 around warily for several moments.
 INT. ROYAL BEDCHAMBERS - AFTERNOON5 
 Thus concludes the hearsay portion of this story, at least for a while. I can tell you firsthand about the
 bedchambers of Dagmar Guernatal, nee Greenhorn, who was
 called High Queen of the Human Realms of Iorden. I can
 tell you of how the curtains were drawn, and the lavish
 room dank and dark on the day that her lifeblood ran
 out from her womb. I can tell you about the philosopher
 who held a mirror under her pale nose, hoping against
 his better knowledge to see it fog.
 INT. MAIN HALL OF THE SAME CASTLE -
 
 SHORTLY THEREAFTER
 And I can tell you about Brennen, the baseborn warrior
 whose battlefield exploits as a young man had earned
 him a Generalship, and a seat at the High King’s right
 hand, and not a few scars, but never lands or a title.
 And now, in his sixth decade of life, it fell to
 Brennen to tell Gunther Guernatal, who was called High
 King of the Human Realms of Iorden, of his young wife’s
 untimely demise.
 King Gunther had reached his seventh decade, but not
 easily. His body was sound for his age, but his face
 had the weary look of a man who has seen too much
 tragedy. When Brennen told him of his Queen, he winced
 as though he had just been mortally wounded.
 GUNTHER
 And the child?
 (BRENNEN HAS A TINGE OF SCOTTISH OR MAYBE CORNISH
 IN HIS ACCENT.)
 BRENNEN
 I am sorry, your Grace. You know I grieve with you.
 GUNTHER
 Why, old friend? Why has Galadon forsaken us?
 BRENNEN
 Soldiers cannot concern themselves with the will of the
 gods. Only that of their King.
 GUNTHER
 They will come, General.
 BRENNEN
 Yes, your Grace. As soon as they find out.
 GUNTHER
 How long to mobilize and arm the reserves?
 BRENNEN
 With fortune on our sides, two or three days.
 GUNTHER
 Then we must conceal it at least that long. The Th’ar
 lo-Hyyl must not find out. Station our most loyal men
 at the gates. No one in or out of the inner hold
 without my orders.
 BRENNEN
 Your will be done, your Grace.
 GUNTHER
 And Brennen, tell all our patrolmen garrisoned in the
 village: be on high alert for any unfamiliar travelers.
 EXT. DEEP, DARK WOODS - A FEW MINUTES EARLIER
 NARRATOR
 And it was around that amount that there was a flash in
 the sky, above a forest a few miles from Guernatal’s
 castle.
 Down tumbled three young human bodies, their falls
 slowed by the branches and bramble. Slowed enough that
 the impact wasn’t fatal, but not so much that they
 didn’t lose consciousness when they hit the ground.
 And as you may have guessed if you’ve a flair for the
 dramatic, those bodies belonged to Billy, Jen, and
 Nelson.
 END OF EPISODE ONE.
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