Magic and Mischief

Magic and Mischief is the sixtieth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on November 26th, 2022 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
While at their new base, the Cult experiences a break in from an old foe who’s seeking revenge and posing as different cult members to try and kill Squidward.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins where the last episode left off; everyone is looking at Noseward, who is on the ground)
Squidward: So, what you’re trying to say is… beating Satan was NOT a good thing?
Noseward: Yes, precisely! Well… an angel told me it, specifically.
Squidward: That is the silliest thing I ever heard.
Noseward: I’m telling you the truth. That angel that killed me sent me to the Council of Reapers, and-
Security: Wait… those guys? I saw them when I was almost killed by that demon during Satan’s attack. 
Squidward: Wait.. you said…  Council of Death?
Noseward: Yeah, why?
Squidward: Because I once paid them a visit.
Security: What? But, you never died.
Squidward: That was the timeline I destroyed. You wouldn’t remember. It was during the Komrade’s invasion…
(Flashback to the season 2 episode “Krusty Komrades, where Squidward gets killed by a spear; cut to Squidward waking up in the Council’s realm. Squidward wakes up screaming)
Squidward: WHERE AM I?! WHAT IS THIS?! AM I DEAD?!
Grim Reaper: (Offscreen) Hello… Brother Squidward.
(Squidward turns around and sees The Council)
Squidward: What in the- How did I get here?
Nixon: You died. You were killed.
Squidward: I was?! Last thing I remember… I had a spear go through my head.
Reaper: Precisely. And now you are here. You are dead.
Squidward: Oh god… OH GOD… I can’t be dead! The Cult will crumble without me!
Uriah: Squidward… We brought you here for a reason.
Grim Reaper: We are willing to revive you.
Squidward: You are? Good, let’s do it!
Grim Reaper: You didn’t let us finish. We will revive you… on ONE condition.
Nixon: You listen to our message.
Squidward: What message?
Uriah: Squidward. You have no idea what harm you will end up doing should you continue the route you are going.
Squidward: What do you mean?
Uriah: If you continue the Cult and your brutal grasp on Bikini Bottom… You are doomed to watch every one of your friends die horribly.
Nixon: Horribly.
Reaper: HORRIBLY.
Uriah: A beast with power of biblical proportions has been building his power. And all he needs is someone to help him unleash the power.
Reaper: LISTEN, SQUIDWARD. WE CANNOT SAY MUCH MORE. BUT HEAR THIS: DO NOT GIVE INTO YOUR TEMPTATIONS. DO NOT MESS WITH THE SPIRIT WORLD. OR YOUR WORLD WILL BE ENGULFED IN FIRE, BY AN ENEMY SO POWERFUL YOU WILL STAND NO CHANCE.
Nixon: HEED OUR WARNING.
Uriah: WE ARE ONLY TRYING TO SAVE YOU.
Squidward: Slow down, this is so much to take in - Who exactly are you referring to?
Uriah: We have said enough as it is. We will bring you back to life.
Nixon: Do not forget our warning, Squidward. You will be sorry.
(The Council begins chanting as a blinding white light flashes and we see footage of Squidward reviving in the season 2 episode “The Solution;” cut to present day)
Crayons: Why did you neglect to tell us all this?!
Squidward: I just assumed I was in some sort of coma and I was having a nightmare. And besides, they were bringing me back to life in the middle of a huge battle - I forgot what they said entirely until it was too late.
Noseward: So were they talking about Satan or this new guy?
Squidward: I think it was Satan since I unleashed him directly. 
Noseward: I think that makes sense. So what now? Our cabin was burned down, where do we go?
Squidward: Maybe there’s a nice cave around here?
Krabs: Hmm…
Squidward: What’s on your mind, Krabs?
Krabs: I think I may know a place.
Squidward: You do?
Krabs: If I am not mistaken… This place was a base for the Komrades.
Squidward: Oh, really?
Krabs: The only issue is, if I am right, that there might still be some Komrades lurking about.
Crayons: What are a few Komrades compared to the dominating force of our team?
Squidward: You said it, Crayons. Now, let’s make haste before we freeze to death!
Krabs: Follow me. I think I know where to go!
(Krabs leads the group to the Komrades’ old base; it’s a small temple with a large claw on top, flames still burning in pillars holding the building up)
Krabs: Watch out, everyone. I think there may be someone in there
Crayons: How can you tell?
Krabs: The torches - they’re still lit. There may be a few Komrades in there. Or maybe there’s an entirely new threat. I don’t know.
Squidward: I thought the Komrades were disbanded?
Krabs: You’re right, they were. But some may have stayed. Again, I don’t know. I’d advise you lot to keep careful - there’s no way of telling who, or what, could be in there.
(Krabs knocks a secret knock on the door and the door opens all the way up, revealing a crab about the same size as Eugene but significantly more buff)
Krabs: OFFENSIVE POSITIONS, EVERYONE! PREPARE FOR A BATTLE!
(The Crab menacingly approaches Krabs, before realizing who he is staring at)
Crab: Eugene! 
Krabs: (Stares at the crab, before realizing) Pincher?
Pincher: It’s good to see you my friend!
Krabs: Why are you still here?
Pincher: Call me sentimental, I guess. I just couldn’t stay away from this place! Think of all the memories we made!
Krabs: We spent 3 months building this and only stayed in it for one week. What “memories” could you possibly have, besides the back-breaking physical labor and the restless nights knowing that while all of us were going to war, several of us were inevitably going to lose our lives and most of us likely would never see our family, friends, or other loved ones ever again?
Pincher: Jeez, no need to be a party-pooper.
Krabs: I’m just being honest. 
Pincher: Do you guys want to come inside?
Krabs: Well… It beats the freezing cold. Let us in.
(Pincher pushes the door wide open to let everyone inside)
Pincher: Welcome home, Krabs. I have to go grab something from the storage room, please excuse me for a second.
Krabs: What’re you grabbing?
Pincher: Oh, just… Just a gift. Be back soon.
(Pincher leaves)
Krabs: Well, since we’re here, why not explore the place? It’s been a long time since I set foot here, I’m curious about how well it has held up.
(Everyone begins to explore the base)
Squidward: Krabs, do you think we’d be able to stay here?
Krabs: Well, if it isn’t occupied, I think we can make do here. 
Crayons: There’s more than enough space for all of us. Plus, it seems like there’s a reasonable source of heat coming from here.
Noseward: So we’re shacking up here? Sounds good. I’ll go find a room for myself.
Security: Why do you get your own room?
Noseward: Why don’t you shut up?
Security: Hey, no need to be rude. Just find your damn room.
(Noseward leaves to go find a room)
Security: Hey Krabs, how did Pincher survive out here for this long?
Krabs: I’m sure that he just used the food we had stored underground. 
Security: Oh sweet, we have food here?
Krabs: Yeah, I think so, at least. Llet’s just head to the basement.
(Krabs leads everyone to the basement and when they get down there SpongeBob flicks on a light)
SpongeBob: Hey Krabs, what’s THAT?!
Krabs: What’s-
(Pincher’s skeletal remains are lying next to a wooden stake he was holding in his hand at one point)
Squidward: Hey Krabs if that’s Pincher, then who’s upstairs?
(Noseward suddenly walks down the steps)
Noseward: Hey guys, I found my room no problem.
Squidward: Noseward? Where did-
Noseward: I just said I found my room. Don’t worry about it!
Plankton: How do we know you’re the real Noseward?
Noseward: You don’t.
(The lights shut off and the room goes pitch black; the lights turn back on and Noseward is gone and everyone’s left in a state of confusion)
Krabs: (Visible state of panic) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? WHAT’S GOING ON?
Squidward: I think that there’s a shapeshifter…
Security: God, I hate those things.
SpongeBob: Does that mean one of us could’ve just been replaced?
Squidward: Alright, alright, everyone, no need to panic, and meet me UPSTAIRS, NOW.
(The group follows Squidward upstairs to a meeting table)
Squidward: One of us isn’t who they claim to be.
Plankton: Barnacles!
Squidward: Now before we begin the interrogations-
(Noseward walks into the room and everyone points a weapon at him)
Noseward: Guys… GUYS…
Squidward: (Aims gun at Noseward) HOW DO WE KNOW YOU AREN’T THE SHAPESHIFTER?!
Noseward: GUYS! GUYS! it’s me! I got attacked by Pincher when I went to find my room and I saw him transform himself into me.
Squidward: That makes sense, but still… come sit down over here. I have to interrogate each and every one of you.
SpongeBob: And how do you plan on doing that?
Squidward: I’m going to ask you a question that only the REAL you would know. You’re awfully talkative, SquarePants, so I’ll start with you. What happened to Gary?
SpongeBob: I-I don’t know.
Squidward: Don’t know, or don’t want to share with the class? 
SpongeBob: Why are you doing this now, Squidward?
Squidward: I’m simply asking a fair and honest question. Where’s the snail, SquarePants?
SpongeBob: Why do you keep calling me that?
Squidward: Calling you what? That’s just your last name.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but… don’t call me SquarePants. It’s weird.
Squidward: (Shrugs) Whatever.
Plankton: I’ve got a question for you, Squidward. What’s your official title?
Squidward: What type of question is that?
Plankton: A fair and honest one.
Squidward: Please, you must think I am stupid. It’s obviously… uh…
Plankton: You’re hesitating there.
Squidward: I know, I know! I’m just thinking.
Security: About what? Come on, Squidward, this is an easy question.
Squidward: Of course, of course. My title is… Uh… Leader Squidward!
(Everyone looks around at each other, then at Squidward)
Squidward: Whatever. Just give me the book, and nobody gets hurt. 
Noseward: What book? Who are you? Do you want the book of the damned? That got stolen weeks ago!
Squidward: The what? No, I just want the book you guys used to bring me here. So give me the book, and nobody gets hurt.
Security: Squidward, are you alright? Is the cold getting to you?
Squidward: Fine. I guess we do this the hard way. 
(The entire room begins to seemingly melt and Squidward begins to shapeshift but the cultists are all so disoriented that they don’t see who he turns into)
Krabs: What’s going on…
(The shapeshifter puts its arm on Krabs shoulder until he assumes Krabs’ body)
Fake Krabs: Give me the book, and I won’t break his body.
Krabs: I don’t even know who you are!
Security: Wait…
(The screen fades to a flashback; Security opens the book with Loki’s scepter on it and suddenly Loki appears)
Plankton: What the barnacles-
Loki: Is that my brother Thor’s book?
(Loki points toward the book Noseward is clinging on to)
(Back to present)
Security: Loki?
(Loki shapeshifts into a fish wearing green robes)
Loki: You got me. 
Security: How are you even here? Didn’t we lock you back up in that book?
Crayons: What did you do to Squidward?!
Loki: You idiots actually thought you locked me back up? I’m called the GOD of mischief for a reason. It was all a simple illusion! I didn’t want to be mixed up in all that Judeochristian apocalypse crap you were dealing with, so I faked my imprisonment and escaped up north.
Crayons: But… What about Squidward?
Loki: You mean that stupid looking octopus guy? Still downstairs. I put him under a pretty heavy sleeping spell. I just want to know where the books are, and we won’t have any problems. 
Security: They were at the old cult temple, which was destroyed by Satan a while ago.
Loki: I feel their presence near us, so that’s how I know you’re a liar. What do you think drew me to this place in specific? I felt the other gods calling out to me! Imagine me, Loki, savior of the gods. They’d give me my very own palace! 
Krabs: HEY, LOKI! THINK FAST!
(Krabs throws a chair at Loki, knocking him over)
Krabs: You talk too much.
Loki: (Laughs) I can’t help it, my voice is one of my best qualities. And you really think a chair will phase me? Pathetic.
(Loki teleports away)
Crayons: Hold on, how did those books get up here in the first place?
Krabs: I might have stolen them from the Cult’s lair when I tried to kill you guys.
Crayons: WHY DID YOU NEGLECT TO TELL US THIS?!
Krabs: Well, let’s go through all the reasons: One, we’ve been a little preoccupied, and 2, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WAS LOKI?
Crayons: Well, we have to find those books before Loki does. I say everyone splits up and searches different-
(Loki teleports back into the main room and throws all of the sealed books on the ground)
Loki: What, did you think I didn’t already find them? I just wanted all of you to be here to watch Midgard’s sea BOIL.
(Loki snaps his fingers and Squidward is suddenly upstairs and awake)
Squidward: Huh?
(Crayons helps Squidward up and Krabs makes a hand gesture toward him)
Loki: Now who to summon first…Big brother Thor? My father, Odin? Tyr? Hel? My pal Fenris? How could I possibly choose?
Squidward: If you’re going to kill us, why haven’t you done it already?
Loki: I want you all to watch your world burn before I give you the satisfaction of death. You fools tried to put me, ME, on a chain to fight in your war and thought there wouldn’t be any payback?
(Loki begins chanting)
Loki: Vítt es orpit, fyr valfalli, rifs reiðiský.
Crayons: KRABS, NOW!
(Krabs dives toward the chair he threw at Loki and breaks one of the wood legs off, then runs up behind Loki and tries to stab him but Loki grabs the leg and snaps it in half)
Loki: (Laughs) Typical mortals, thinking they can get the upper hand on-
(Security shows up out of nowhere and drives an actual wooden stake through Loki’s chest and he begins to shake, then he lights on fire, with the fire being green)
Loki: Well… You got me. That was a pretty great trick. 
(Loki stumbles backwards)
Loki: How did you know to stake me, anyways?
Security: Saw this lying next to Pincher, doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.
Loki: Well played. 
(Loki begins laughing, making everyone in the room nervous, before out of nowhere he begins screaming so loud everyone is knocked back; Loki’s body is engulfed in green fire and he disintegrates entirely, filling the room with a lingering green light effect akin to a flashbang)
Squidward: (Groaning) Ugh… What happened?
Noseward: I think… (Holds head and groans a bit in pain) I think we just beat the trickster.
Plankton: We’re SURE he’s gone for good this time?
Squidward: That looked pretty final to me. So, if there aren’t any more surprises, this shall be our new base of operations.
(Squidward gathers the books and hands them to Krabs)
Squidward: Want to do the honors?
Krabs: Certainly.
(Krabs takes the books outside and buries them deep in the snow where nobody can find them again)
Krabs: Good riddance. These damn books are more trouble then they’re worth.
(Krabs takes a long stare at the hole in the ground as he begins covering it up; Fade to Phoenix Plaza in Bikini Bottom, two guards are chatting)
Phoenix Guard 1: So I says to the other guy, hey, you used to be one of those Cultists didn’t you? And he says - and, get this - The bastard says, “No, sir, I just liked their merchandise!”
Phoenix Guard 2: (as he opens his mouth, his eyes suddenly glow a familiar tint of green as he starts laughing) it’s funny because they SUCK!
(The episode ends with the second guard looking directly at the camera, eyes glowing an intense shade of green)
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