The Loud House: The Black Figure

For the sake of the story, my name's Paul, and like my name, I'm not very unique. I like cartoons, specifically the Loud House. I'm an aspiring reporter/writer, I have a car, a scrappy apartment, a cushy job at a Woolie's, anything I could possibly need! Look I know this isn't very interesting stuff but trust me when I say the writing is going somewhere. See, I've worked in retail for...
I wanna say a decade? But that's not the point, no the point here is that you come across a lot of strange folks in that window of time. But the strangest guy came to my kiosk about a month ago. And I remember it like a goddamn picture book.
I was just scanning items, thanking people for shopping at Woolworth's, not even bothering to look at their faces. My philosophy when going to work was to never waste time with small talk, the entrance/exit is right next to me, I'd like to take advantage of that sooner rather than later. But that was until I saw a blank DVD cover slide underneath my scanner. So I look up about to tell the guy that just because there's no cover, doesn't mean he can't pay. Only to be trapped in shock and confusion. The guy managed to keep his dirty brown hair and beard relatively presentable. But his brown torn and dusty trench coat and pants? And his bare dirty toes? Not so much. Same story for his gaunt, downtrodden expression.
"What're you look'n at?" The dirty man grumbled, grimacing at me with his surprising pearly whites.
"Uhm, I was just wondering if this DVD was yours or-"
"Gimmie that back!" The guy yelled as he snatched the blank DVD right out of me fingers, leaving a gross stickiness behind. "How did you swipe that from me biggest pocket?!"
I just shot him the same perplexed glare he gave me. "I-I dunno dude! You're asking me!" I pleaded.
"Hmp, yeah sure, sticky fingers..." The man growled under his breath.
Making me chuckle nervously "I-I dunno what to tell you man! I didn't rob you! Maybe it just fell out-"
"Shutup! You don't have nothin!' So don't say nothin!'"
"Alright, alright, what's going on here?" My manager barged in, probably getting sick of watching the commotion via camera.
"This kid's got sticky fingers! Tried to swipe me prized possession!" The man raised his 'prized possession' high and mightily.
"Is that right?"
"Yeah!" The man proclaimed as my manager scanned the dirty man head to literal toe.
"Well, I don't know if you've skimmed over the dress code lately but yeah, this ain't it pal," My manager gestured over toward the dress code sign by the sliding door entrance. Making his staunch demeanor evaporate into fright instantly.
He stumbled for a reply initially, but the man managed, "B-but, this is the last place I can get stuff! Everyone else kicked me out! Please!"
"Hey you can come back! Just, not like this..." My manager clarified.
"But, this is all I have!"
"Well then I guess you're not coming back for a long time, huh?" My manager concluded, making the man sag in defeat, carrying himself out the door. Not before shooting one more glare at me, before trudging out.
"What a nutjob, am I right? Ah, anyways, next time you have trouble, I won't be there to fix it, otherwise keep up the good work Paul!"
"Uh, thanks, sir," I chuckled nervously as the manager patted my back, going on his way. Leaving me to my clouded thoughts as I stared slack-jawed at the sliding door entrance. Yeah, the guy was a little nutty, but not a nutjob, although, I wasn't quite sure, I'm not certain even as I'm writing this. But there was one thing I was sure about. I needed this guy's story...
"Sir! Can I go on break?"
"Did you already have one, Paul?" The manager quizzed.
"Uhm, no?" I smiled, raising my hands unsurely, making the manager purse his lips in thought for a moment.
"Alright! But if you aren't back in thirty minutes-"
"I know! I'll be fired sir!" I dismissed, practically throwing myself out of the store, skulking the car park, I managed to catch the strange man just about to leave. "Hey!" I cried, making the man turn side to side in confusion, to which I groaned in frustration. "Over here!" I cried out, finally catching his full attention.
"You wanted me gone and now you want me back? You had your chance sticky fingers!"
"What?! But I didn't- *sigh*I just wanna talk!" I beckoned. The man stroked his beard for a moment, before turning the corner, ushering me to follow. To which I was greeted by him lying on his back on a patch of walkway grass.
"So, sticky fingers-"
"Okay, for the last goddamn time, I didn't steal that DVD, okay? So just, stop calling me that,"
"Only if you make up for getting me kicked out,"
"That’s still your fault though-"
"Fine then Paul, if you're just gonna tell me shit I already know, then you can fuck right off! I'll be outta your hair for good that way..."  The man bargained.
I glowered in pity as I gazed down at the downtrodden man before me, who brought out a lighter but couldn't find a cigarette. So instead, he pulled out his DVD cover, his solemn face reflecting off the cover.
"You really care about that thing, don't you?" The man didn't answer, still coddling his DVD. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. Just a few more hours left. "Stay here, uhm, whatever your name is-"
"Joe, it's Joe..." The man replied meekly.
"Oh, well, I'll come back later, Joe, promise," I promised as I went back to work.
After my shift, I kept my promise to the syllable, and met Joe right where I left him. Greeting me with his glum face, which lit up just barely at the sight of me standing above him.
"You came back!" Joe remarked cheerfully.
"I promised, didn't I? But anyways, now that I've got you right where I want you," I began, taking my seat next to Joe. "What's your deal?"
Startling poor Joe. "My deal?"
"Yeah y'know! Your DVD thing, your clothes, your weirdly clean teeth-"
"Alright-alright settle down kiddo! You want me story?" I nodded in elatement, making Joe chuckle. 
"Well you gotta do something fer me first," Joe elaborated, making my elated smile dissipate into crippling worry. 
"It's not like I can just hand out freebies 'ere! Ya hear?"
"Yeah I hear..." I grimaced, "so, what's the catch?" I dared to ask, already regretting everything.
"Hmm, could ya' gimmie a ride home? Here's where the place is," Joe said as he pulled out a mint-condition photo of where he apparently lived, placing it into my hand before patting it down. Cocking my head to the side, I noticed that it had his address and phone number on it.
"Consider it me business card..."           
Close to the end of our rather odorous drive.
"So. You're telling me you worked for CN? But then jumped to Nick when shit hit the fan for you?"
"No, no! I worked at Nickelodeon! But got the sack for being a bit too 'pushy with me ideas!' Least that's what Chris-sackashitto told me, right before stealing my ideas next time I turnt' on the television!" Joe lambasted, putting me in a stupor of, something.
"Jeez, you sure you're paying attention Sticky fingers? Now make a left turn,"
"Alright but, Chris sack-a-shit-o? Don't you mean Chris Sav-"
"STOP!" Joe screamed, pointing a filthy finger in my face, startling me so bad I nearly hit a roadside pole. Ratcheting my head around I met Joe pointing at me with his snarling face. "That's not his name..." Joe uttered.
"But I-"
"Will never under any reason, say that name, that way..." Joe cut off, unphased by nearly killing us both over a name. Although, Joe did see the confusion on my face clear as day apparently. Thus flipping his demeanor completely as he shone his pearly smile at me.
Even having the gall to laugh at me, much to my obvious chagrin. "What's so funny?"
"Sorry, it's just, I forgot to tell ya why I hate that cunt's name. Well y'know, besides him stealing me ideas from me and harassing the ladies with his roguish charm, eugh," Joe answered, making me raise an eyebrow.
"He, stole your show?"
"No, I said he stole me ideas. Anyways, we're here now so what's it matter!" Joe proclaimed, already getting out of the car.
"Wait, we are?!"
"Yeah kid, take a look outside!"
To his word I stepped outside my car, but I wasn't completely sold, so taking out his "business card" I compared it to the apartment door in front of me. Turns out it was only slightly more dirty and run down than in the picture.
"Welp! Looks like we're done here, was nice knowing you though uh, Paul? Was it? Eh whatever, keep the picture!" Joe declared as he made his way up the stingy apartment steps.
"But wait! Joe! I wanna know more!"
"Gimme a call tomorrow! I'm done with you and your fuck'n voice!" Joe called out before slipping by into the apartment, shutting the door on me.
Pretty grateful isn't he? Well that's what I thought too as I began storming back into my car. Only for Joe to pop back out one last time, storming out and into my face.
"On second thought, take this! I don't want you to call me tomorrow!" Joe proclaimed, chucking that blank DVD cover of his at me, much to my shock. I picked it up reluctantly with my hand still holding his "business card."
"Isn't this your prized possession? Or something?"
"It is! It's me best work! Supposed to be a stand-alone thing. but it's got some of the same characters: like Lori who's still the oldest, Luan and Lynn Jr are buddies, Lana's the youngest at six-"
"Wait, younger then Lisa?"
"Yeah, she's thirteen, same as the other three. Anything else you wanted to annoy me about? Oh! And before I forget, they’ve all got varying English accents. Supposed to come from their mother who’s from London. Anyways what else ya’ want?"
"Well, I dunno if you noticed, but aren't all those the ones named after, his sisters?" I asked, expecting Joe to not take that question well.
But instead, he paused for a moment, nodding slowly in agreement. "Yeah, they were named after em' huh. Y'know what Paul? I think you just made me like the film way more," Joe remarked deviously with his toothy grin.
I was a little creeped out, but I tried not to show it, "Well uh, thanks! You uh, want me to give it back afterwards?"
"Hmm, nah! Seen it too many times. However! There is a catch, you ain't allowed to redistribute it or do any pirating bullshit. Otherwise not only you'll be fucked, but I'll be fucked ten times harder ontop, you understand Paul?"
Shit, well I should've figured as much, to be honest, this whole disclaimer Joe gave is the reason I'm writing this story out anyway. But Joe is right, I would be fucked if I showed actual footage of what his short film was. And that's ignoring Joe's history with Nick and, uhm, Chris Sackashitto. Luckily that guy is gone, but so long as Nickelodeon and Viacom are picking up his slack. I don't think the footage would last very long anyway.
"Great! Now get outta here kid! We're done here, for real this time, oh and gimmie that photo back!"
"Wha- hey! You said I could have it!" I yelped as he snatched the photo from my grasp.
"Changed me mind, now scram, it's dangerous to be out here on Friday night,"
And that was the last I ever heard of Joe before he vanished back into his apartment. Leaving me with a dirty car, an even dirtier DVD cover. And even, more, questions. But those questions could wait. I had a film to watch. 
Now, I obviously can't show any footage of the film, but I can show you it's cover, which as advertised, is completely blank, nothing but the DVD inside. And all the suspense in the world. I'll try to be as lush with the descriptions as possible, as I’d rather all the time spent studying this thing not go to waste. So, sorry if this retelling comes off a bit pretentious.
== The Black Figure ==
=== Directed and produced by Joseph Kelly Hawley ===
Once the introductory text dissipates, we fade out the darkness, and into a view of the Loud’s supposed “proto-abode”, as I’d like to call it. Not a toy or blade of grass in sight amidst the monolithic structure. Resembling the “newer version” only in shape. The property was almost certainly untouched by anyone’s hand including mother nature’s. Like an empty coffin, a really expensive coffin.
But it wasn’t abandoned, just, devoid of any life is all. Well except for one nasally-posh sounding man answering an antique rotary phone blaring from inside the house. Sitting alone feet up on the dining room table, admiring his lavish domicile phone line in one hand and a newspaper in the other. 
“You’ve reached Dr Bateman, sole proprietor of Bateman health care, how can I help you today?” The man answered astutely as he grinned as eerily as his thin black hair was greasy. Though that grease didn’t carry onto his black-gloved fingers or suit amazingly.
“Ah, Rita dear! Come crawling back to your old man? Hm?” Bateman chuckled wickedly. Glazing over the paper in his hand with glee.
==== The New York Post, Sunday, Oct 17th 1930 - Unemployment on the rise by 20% globally, and there's no roof in sight! ====
“Course, of course! I’d be glad to take them off your hands for good! Just so you could get back on your feet. It’s a dog-eat-dog world sweetie, I of all people should know that,” 
Bateman replied in a hushed tone, all the while we get a nice view of the dining room’s large and imposing bookshelf. And a framed newspaper article obscured by the bookshelf just enough to know it was about some kind of house fire. And a few casualties to go along with it.
“Hmm, yes, I understand. Yes, I’m not just saying that either,” Bateman groaned, going stiff at the sound of someone pulling by his house. 
“Call me back later, oh and maybe, not on the business line next time? Thanks,” Bateman hung up abruptly, not even waiting for Rita to finish whatever she was about to say. 
Regardless, he darted out the dining room and stopped by the front door, peering through its peep-hole. The look of curiosity plastered on his bulging-eyed face, morphing into that of morbid delight at the sight of his lovely grandkids, presumably.
“Here already now? Oho I’d better get ready then too, heehee, heheh! Aha! Ah hahahaha ha! Ah...” Bateman laughed. He didn’t even open his mouth, just staring out with his, immovable grin.
Cutting away to the houses’ lawn, we finally get to see the “proto-Louds.” With Lynn being the first one out, standing stoic and proud with the same #1 sports jersey, bearing the dumbest smile I’d ever seen. However when she began scanning the place from the tip of the roof, down to the creaky hanging sign reading ‘Dr Bateman’s health insurance,’ followed by a phone number underneath. 
“Uhm, Lori? Are you sure this is the place?” Lynn inquired unsurely.
“Yeah, it’s huge! I bet grandpa’s got a kickball somewhere around here,” Luan interjected, bounding out of the van and by Lynn’s side.
“Y-yeah, you could get really lost, really easy...” Lana uttered meekly, moseying around the front of the van, latching onto Lori’s side like a koala.
“Oh, I wouldn’t dare worry about that, not when I’m with my little koala bear!” Lori coddled as she squeezed Lana with all her might.
“Tight, too, tight…” Lana wheezed.
“Huh? Oh my!” Lori gasped, letting Lana free upon noticing her turn red-faced. “There, all better now!” Lana just groaned in response. “Anyways, yes Lynn, this is in fact, the place, no matter how poor the presentation, uh-but anyways, where are your bags, everyone?!”
Accompanying a cacophony of grunting, Lisa revealed herself, carrying everyone’s luggage. “Here everyone! *Huff,* your burdens… *puff*,” Lisa heaved out before collapsing underneath all the weight, much to everyone’s astonishment.
“Well, what is everyone gawking at? Come on! Get your Uhm, burdens!” Lori instructed. With everyone getting their bags, allowing Lisa to stumble back onto her feet, adjusting her glasses as she dusted herself off.
“Much appreciated, I was wondering when someone would-” Lisa stopped, taking in the domicile in all its estranged glory, especially the ragged business sign. “Dr Bateman? Didn’t mother say he was a snake oil salesman?” Lisa queried, offending Lori.
“No, grandfather isn’t some lowly snake oil salesman. He’s a doctor, and the man responsible for giving mother a job amidst all this mess. So be nice everyone, anyhow what are we standing around for? Let’s get a move on!” 
“Now that’s something I can get behind! Race ya’ to the front door Lynn!” Luan declared, shoving past Lynn amidst her head start. Giggling all the way too.
Although Lynn wasn’t as headstrong about it. “Uhm, yeah! Don’t wait up or anything! Hehe! Hmm…” Lynn hummed wistfully as all her sisters brushed past, except for little koala bear Lana standing by Lynn, looking at her longingly.
At first, Lynn was confused about what Lana wanted. T’was only when Lana raised her arms out beckoningly, did Lynn finally piece it all together. Lifting Lana off her feet, and planting her onto her shoulders. “Don’t get used to this, yeah?” 
“I-I won’t, promise!” Lana promised, the two smiling cheerfully as they met up with their fellow sisters.
Inside the house, we see Bateman grooming himself by a mirror in the bathroom. Adjusting his black vest and tie and checking the time with a gold-chained pocket watch he pulled out his vest. Jumping out of his skin at the barrage of doorbell rings assaulting his ears. 
“I’m coming! I’m coming! Impatient lot...” Bateman murmured to himself as he hurried down out the bathroom. Making sure to grab the ebony cane he left by the sink.
Outside we see Luan impatiently ringing the bell, much to everyone’s visible annoyance.
“You only need to do it once, Luan,” Lori pointed out agitatedly.
“Well maybe he can’t hear it just the one time, he is a grandpa,”
“Have you perhaps considered just standing there and waiting? So we don’t get yelled at?” Lisa urged.  
“Maybe you could try hitting the door instead?” Lynn suggested with a sly grin, much to Lisa and Lori’s horror. And Lana’s entertainment.
“Oh no, Luan! Don’t you dare think about-” 
“Hey, that’s a great idea Lynn!” 
“I’ll put the bags back in the van…” Lisa insisted as Luan readied her fist. But before that could happen, Bateman swung the door wide open, catching Luan’s fist midswing by the wrist.
“That’s. Enough…” Bateman uttered, his demeanour scaring them stiff, even Luan’s cheery demeanour wavered, just a smidge.
“Uhm, h-hi Mr-”
“My name is Mr Bateman, Dr, Bateman. Or just doctor, take your pick spawn…”
“I-I know, I saw the sign Mr! Can you give me my hand back? Please?” Luan reasoned with a desperate smile as she attempted to free herself. But his titanium grip didn’t budge, not even by a smidge.
Eventually, though, he did let go, throwing her hand back to her so hard she nearly fell to the ground. Being saved by Lori luckily.
“So sorry about Luan, she hasn’t had much to do in a good while, you know how rowdy kids can be, hehe,” Lori smiled, but Bateman didn’t seem too impressed.
“Flattery will get you nowhere… what are your names?”
“I’m Lori, the oldest out of everyone, Lynn, Lisa, and Luan are all the same age, and can be quite the handful as you can see.” Lori elaborated, gesturing towards them, who both greeted Bateman reluctantly.
“So I’ve seen,” Bateman remarked.
“Of course, we also have the always resourceful Lisa, she’s top of every class in her school,” Lori boasted, gesturing towards Lisa.
“Thank you, Lori. Although that compliment won’t mean much when I graduate in a few months,” Lisa professed, stepping forward to shake Bateman’s hand.
“Impressive, very impressive indeed!” Bateman admitted in somewhat disbelief. But that thought didn’t linger too long, as someone riding on Lynn’s back caught his wandering eye. 
“And who might this one be?” Bateman questioned with a warm smile, pointing his cane at Lana. Making Lana scramble off Lynn, cowering behind her valiant shield.
“She doesn’t like me very much it seems.” Bateman pointed out, tilting his head to find Lana toiling to evade his gaze.
“You simply must forgive Lana, she’s just oh so terribly afraid of meeting new people,” Lori answered pitifully. 
“Oh that’ll fade my dear, it always does…” Bateman chuckled mischievously. “Now! Let me show you to your rooms!”
And that’s exactly what he did next scene, with Bateman walking them up the stairs into the hallway. Which was the exact same layout as the proper show. Lori living in her room, Lisa living in hers, and Luan living in hers, etc, etc. Of course, the main difference here being the absence of the rest of the family. And the closet down the hall remaining unoccupied as a result.
But after showing them their quarters, Bateman neglected to tell where he slept. Something that everyone noticed, but didn’t dare ask out of fear of setting him off somehow. But they couldn’t help wondering, no matter how much Bateman outright demanded them not to ask.
From light to dark, night befalls Bateman Estate, where we bear witness to an empty, lifelessly dim stairway. Of which the cameraman scales the stairs without missing a step. Stopping at the very top, where we could hear gentle yet, heavy breathing. And it is not coming from any of the rooms the sisters are sleeping in…
The cameraman then scampers against the wall, pressing along slowly, but swiftly. All the way to Lana’s room, where a gentle yellow light is emanating from underneath. The cameraman then collapses to the ground, peering underneath the door as the cameraman audibly squeezes underneath the crack to get a better look. Skulking Lori reading a book whilst sitting by Lana huddled underneath a blank, accompanied by a yellow lamplight.
“When they went back upstairs, Grandma and Grandpa were up. 
‘Is everything alright?’ Asked Grandma. 
‘It is now,’ said Papa Bear.
‘Good!’ said Grandpa. ‘Let’s all have some…’” 
“What?” Lana asked with a cheeky grin.
“*Sigh*, milk and cookies! C’mon Lana dear, why do you have to make me read everything!” 
“Well, ‘cause I like it better when you do it! Also, can I have milk and cookies?” Lana questioned, making the cameraman slip out of the crack with a sickening cacophony of slurping. Darting from left to right for a way out, only to crawl up the wall, and onto the ceiling watching the door, all just in time to hear Lori say:
“No Lana, look, I’ve given you your bedtime story, I’ve given you your many blankets, and. *Yawn*, now it’s time for bed young lady.” Lori reinforced, much to Lana's despair.
“B-but, what about the bedtime snack! I can’t go to bed without a bedtime snack!”
“Maybe in the morning,” Lori brushed off, kissing Lana on the forehead as she turned out the lamplight.
Ignorant of Lana’s dismay. “Pretty please?” 
“No, Lana, goodnight,” 
“Pretty please with a cherry on top? I-I won’t ask again! Promise!”
“Oh alright, but only for my littlest koala bear,” Lori relented, venturing outside the room. Completely oblivious to the cameraman directly above the doorway as she tip-toed down the stairs. All the while that, breathing came back, not that it ever left, no it just got much, much worse once it saw Lori leave Lana’s room unprotected-
Oh. Oh no…
Well, pressing onward, the cameraman just sits there, lingering on the wall like a gigantic cockroach. But unlike a cockroach, the cameraman began to whisper something.
“I, I can’t take it, I can’t take sitting here waiting for a second longer!” The cameraman murmured raspily, continuing to breathe their monstrous moist breaths. As they began scaling down the doorway, making sure to keep on the edge so as not to be spotted presumably. Slowly but methodically, the cameraman kept to every shadow. All the while Lana sat petrified in fright, although it at first wasn’t a rational fright. 
But as the cameraman crept under every piece of furniture in the room. Lana felt something go bump underneath her bed. Lana didn’t dare move, instead, staying right there. Where the monster couldn’t get her, underneath the covers of course. 
But unfortunately for her, that was the worst possible thing she could have done. As a long sickly hand stretched out, pinching a piece of blanket. Gently peeling away every layer of protection Lana had. As the cameraman’s eyes silently rose over her bedside, optic nerves and all.
Lana screamed to the absolute highest of heavens. As the cameraman’s hands swung out from underneath the bed. Both snatching her and covering her mouth as she kept crying the bloodiest of murders she could while muffled. 
By now the cameraman had long since woken up the entire house with his commotion. So the creature clamored out of the room as fast as possible. Only to be cornered by the still half-asleep Lynn, Luan, and Lisa. All they knew was that something really big and scary just kidnapped Lana, whose face was absolutely drenched in frightful tears. 
Unfortunately for them though, the cameraman was much too swift to stick around. Leaping from the top steps down to the very bottom in one swift movement. The other three sisters quickly trailing behind, the cameraman dashed through the sitting room, colliding with the beyond flabbergasted Lori, sending her flying into the edge of the dining table. Smashing the table’s leg in two from the force. 
“Lori!” The remaining sisters cried, rushing to Lori’s aid all while the creature makes its escape behind the dining room bookshelf, disappearing.
“Are you alright? Uhm- how many fingers am I holding up!?” Luan cried, forgetting to raise any fingers as she kept shaking Lori to wake up.
“Nevermind her! Lana needs us right now! Now show me where that thing went so I can pummel it into the ground!”
“I believe it went this way,” Lisa informed, pointing toward the pitch-black abyss that lay behind the bookshelf. 
“Great! Now let’s go!” Lynn began, readying to plunge herself headfirst into the abyss. Only to stop her.
“Lynn, wait!” Lori hollered in fright as she caught Lynn by the ankle, tripping her over.
“Ow! What gives?”
“Look, I admire your courage sis, but you can’t just rush in there, you’ll be eaten alive! And then what?” Lori explained, making her sag in woe.
“I-I dunno…” 
“Exactly, now does anyone have any ideas? Lisa? Luan?” 
“Well a light source of some kind would be a good start,” Lisa suggested.
“Like a flashlight?” Lynn added.
“Why yes! That would be perfect! Provided you can find one of course,”
“I’ll go scrounge around for one! It’s gotta be in someone’s bag,” Lynn declared, dashing off and up the stairs.
“I’ll try to do something too!” Lisa added.
“Yeah, and find a weapon or something too...” Luan also added, humming to herself in thought, scanning the dining room and its many features.
“Is someone going to help me? My back feels much too raw,” Lori ached.
“Oh, my apologies! Take it easy for now though, will you?” Lisa apologized as she helped Lori up, throwing her arm around Lisa. Revealing to Luan the broken table leg Lori made.
“Thank you, Lisa, I find I can always count on you in times of trouble! Any luck there Luan?”
“I’m thinking...” Luan revealed, visibly shocking Lori and Lisa. 
“Luan? Thinking? As if tonight couldn’t get any stranger,” Lisa admitted.
“Indeed, but speaking of things that are strange, where the bloody hell is Bateman? And more to the point, why didn’t he tell us about this?!”
“Do you two mind? I said I was thinking, didn’t I? Jeez,” Luan chastised, stoping the bickering right in its tracks as Luan continued thinking. Darting her eyes from the broken table leg to the kitchen, and then back at the two impatient sisters in front of her. Until just like that, it all clicked in her head, well a good amount anyway.
Moseying over to the broken leg, she picked it up, looking around for something. Which conveniently was the very moment Lynn came back. 
“*Huff*, sorry everyone, *puff*, no flashlights, no lamps, no candles, nothing...” Lynn informed tiresomely, pausing at everyone staring at her, especially Luan. “What? It’s not that big of a deal there aren’t any lights around, right?” 
Luan walked right up to Lynn, broken leg in hand before raising her hand out. “Gimmie your singlet,” Luan commanded, much to Lynn’s confusion.
“Uhm, right now?” 
“No I want it next leap year, yes right now!”
“Alright, alright! It’s my sweat your dealing with though…” Lynn disclaimed, reaching underneath her shirt and pulling out a beyond drenched under-shirt. Handing it over to Luan, who wrapped it around the top end of the broken leg. Before running off into the kitchen, shoving Lisa and Lori out the way.
“Owch!” Lori bellowed. 
“Watch it Luan! I’ve got a patient here!”
“Sorry Lori! But I need to do this,” Luan dismissed, swinging her gaze left to right, landing on a hotplate seated by the kitchen sink. “Bingo…” Luan murmured with a smirk, rushing off towards the hotplate, turning it all the way to the maximum heat, placing Lynn’s singlet on top of the hotplate’s, plate.
Resulting in a beyond abhorrent stench flooding the room as Lori, Lisa, and Lynn all came into the kitchen. With Lori and Lisa covering their noses and gagging on the sizzling sweat vapours. Much to Lynn’s slight offence, taking a sniff of the air herself, only to reel from it too.
But the gagging soon stopped, as all of a sudden, the sweaty rag blazed asunder. Much to Luan’s pride, raising the makeshift torch high and mightily. “I’ve made, fire! Ahaha!” Luan cackled.
“Well how about that! Way to go sis!” Lynn congratulated.
“My thoughts exactly, although was it necessary to use Lynn’s sweaty singlet?” 
“Yes, yes it was, now let’s get some goddamn answers…” 
“Smashing! Now let’s- argh!” Lori howled, collapsing onto Lisa, who was able to carry the weight luckily. Sitting Lori carefully onto a nearby dining chair.
“I think it’s best if you stay here Lori, where it’s safe,” Lisa insisted.
“What?! But I. Oh phooey! supposed I’d just slow everyone down, hm?” Lori concluded glumly.
“I’m afraid so…” Lisa reassured just as glumly.
“Hey, don’t worry about it! We’ll be back with Lana in a pinch! Right Lynn?” 
“For sure!” Lynn reassured, all of this making Lori crack a weak smile.
“Alright then, godspeed everyone!” Lori cheered, her hopeful demeanour vanishing as soon as everyone left. “If God would be so willing anyway. If only mother was here, she’d know what to do...”
And so, the remaining sisters journeyed towards the maw of the abyss. Luan shone the way down, revealing it to be a secret and winding passage. Or to be more specific, a deep and dark winding stairwell, making Luan’s stomach churn the longer she stared. Ignoring the fact a monster could pop out at any moment’s notice…
“Uhm, h-hello?” Luan whimpered, her voice carrying on the stairwell, all, the way, down.
“What’s the holdup? It’s just stairs,” Lynn interrogated impatiently.
“I’d hate to rush you Luan but uh, what is the holdup?” Lisa added.
“Well I uh, y-you go first Lynn! Here!” Luan insisted, shoving the torch into Lynn’s face before quickly scooting towards the very end of the line. Lynn just shrugged her shoulders, taking the plunge into the murky, winding abyss. An abyss that they thought would never end, a thought that weighed heavier as time marched, unflinching. Making the trio’s minds wander through bleaker and unbearable, horrible temptations of what could possibly be at the end. 
But none of that compared to the sudden realization that crossed Luan’s mind. “Hey uhm, Lisa? Do you remember what Lori said about Bateman?”
“About him being missing in action? Of course I remember! Why I’d say the thought’s never left!”
“Yeah, unlike Mr Bateman…” Lynn scoffed, her words taking the air right out of Lynn and Lisa’s chests as if a demon walked right past them.
“Luan, sis, surely you don’t mean that!”
“Oh don’t be stupid! Who else could it be?! But that’s not all,”
“I-it’s not?” Lisa stammered through her trembling breath. 
“No…” Luan paused, averting her face to the wall,
bracing herself for what was next. 
“W-well what I mean is, h-he, is a grandpa, our grandpa, and therefore, mum’s dad s-so-”
“We know! Just spit it out!” Lynn pressed anxiously.
“Well that’s just it! What if she’s in on all this! W-what if she’s a monster too! J-just biding her time or something! I don’t know! I don’t-”
“Luan!” Lisa cried, darting her eyes around as she toiled for the right words. “I-I mean, for if that were true, why would she send us away?” Lisa answered, with Lynn nodding anxiously in response.
“Yeah! S-see! Worrying for nothing!” 
“Well I wouldn’t say that, Lynn, but for now. Let’s just move on, shall we?”
“I thought you’d never ask…” Lynn replied in false bravado, doing her best to fill the freshly dug hole Luan's epiphany made.
Pressing forward, she could see flecks of light, and the noise from below growing louder. Lynn’s brow furrowed, determination filling the hole Luan’s fears dug. Making Lynn speed down the hallway, soon enough, they reached the end of the passage. An aged lumbering birchwood door, emanating a sickly amber light. Shining through its iron-barred window. And through it, the noise from before became much clearer than before.
“Help! Help me! Please!” Lana’s voice rang out, simultaneously relieving the trio and terrifying them.
But regardless of their fears, they knew what they needed to do. None more so than Lynn at that moment, Lynn giving her torch over to Luan as she readied to bust through the door. 
Expecting to make their heroic entrance and save Lana, once and for all! And yes, Lana was there, sitting alone on an unmade king-sized bed. But she was still crying profusely, her head buried into the palms of her hands. 
With a lantern responsible for the glow emanating outside the door, hanging above Lana by a meat hook. One of many, very sharp, meat hooks. Hanging all around the room around the trio’s shoulder height.
After absorbing the ambience, the trio approached Lana, sitting around her on the bed. Everyone doing their part to comfort Lana, with Lynn and Lana cuddling her affectionately as Lisa watched from afar, unable to join in whilst holding the torch.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Lynn’s here, we’re all here for you, and we’re gonna get you outta here, alright?” Lynn promised as she cooed.
“Yeah! And we’ll get yummy ice cream!” Luan also promised. But Lana just pushed them both away forcefully, furling up into a little ball of misery.
“I-isn’t seeing us here a good thing?” Lisa inquired.
“*No,” Lana snivelled, shocking the trio, especially Luan.
“Uh-but why, don’t you want to go!? And uhm, here Lana,” Luan offered her a handkerchief.
To which Lana slapped it out of Luan’s hand furiously. “Of course I wanna go! I hate it here! But now we’re stuck here, cause mom hates us...” Lana revealed, deeply concerning the trio, especially Lynn when recalling Luan’s fears about her.
“W-who told you that?”
“I did...” Bateman boomed, closing the wooden door the trio entered. Stepping out of the dark corner he hid in, revealing his freakish, self.
He stood just as tall as ever, only completely naked, his disgusting black hairs littering his chest and legs serving as the only means of coverage. Right down to his gangrene toes, and curly yellowed toenails. But they didn’t grow on the rest of his scrawny, skeletal body, not his arms, not his neck, just his chest, legs, and whatever else was left upon his rigid skull. Housing his extended eyes, snaking and slithering in the air.
“Oh my, what a lovely get-together we have here...” Bateman greeted, grinning a gruesome grin and wriggling his six-fingered hands eagerly. 
“S-stay back! Back I say!” Lisa commanded as she waved the torch in his face, all the while instinctually backing further and further away alongside her fellow sisters. Making Bateman chuckle darkly.
“Or what? Please. If anything, I’m doing your mother a favour you know,” Bateman began.
Making Lisa pause. “A favor?”
“Yes, a favor. Ever since Lori came I knew your mother would get greedy. And that I would have to deal with her consequences!” 
“Consequences? We’re not, consequences!” Lisa detested.
“Yeah! She raised Lori just fine like the rest of us!” Lynn added ferociously.
“A-and she loves us all very much! Yeah!” Luan also added, though a bit reluctantly.
“Ah, at first! But once all her money dried up, she didn’t know what to do with you lot! So on she goes crawling back, to me! Do you see what I’m getting at here?” Bateman further elaborated as he drew closer, his revelation shocking Lynn and Lisa to their soft, supple cores.
“T-that’s preposterous! She wouldn’t do that! Never!” Lisa denied, backing further and further away, with Bateman drawing ever nearer. Gating them into a corner.
"Oh come on! Do I have to spell it out now? You're all tumours, and I'm a doctor. And your mother, wanted an operation, to have the tumours removed! Do you miserable, wretched RATS UNDERSTAND?!"
"Give me the torch Lisa," Lynn whispered, to which Lisa obliged. As Bateman pressed onward, too wrapped up in himself to notice the sudden exchange.
"I can prove it too! I can prove to you all, that your own matron left everyone here to DIE! no- Lana, can tell everyone, can't you little tasty koala bear?" Bateman cackled, making Lana begin to breakdown all over again, making Bateman chortle in glee. Laying the final straw on Lynn's back, as she raised her torch.
"Tell you what little wretch, if you can admit to everyone what was said over the phone, I might just-"
*WHACK!*
Lynn struck Bateman right across his face with the torch. Bursting both his extended eyes, sending Bateman swinging around the room, clutching his now burning optic nerves in agony as he cascaded around the room. Burning blood spattered the room as he toiled to tide the pain.
Only to be caught by several meat hooks. The chains wrapped around his arms and chest. Locking him in place as he felt the fire spread from his exposed nerves to all across his face. Bateman roared in bestial, primal agony, all the while ripping himself apart as he kept fruitlessly toiling to break out of his meat hook bindings.
All while the group just, watched. Except for Lana who had her eyes covered by Luan. Smitten by the spectacle of it all as Bateman writhed. Watching the fire completely engulf his skinless head, and then eventually, the rest of his hairy, pale body, spittles of both burning and fresh blood spattering all over the room. 
Lynn searched for the torch responsible, picking it up and turning back to Bateman’s burning screams. Her brows narrowed, hatred brimming from her every, fibre. Hatred so potent, it made everyone turn to look at Lynn instead, and what she was gonna do next.
Only for Lisa to grab Lynn’s arm, her fiery gaze snapping to Lisa. Averting the torch away from Bateman’s writing body.
“Leave him, his demons are much better at that than you, Lynn,” Lisa reasoned, making Lynn pause in thought. But one look back at Bateman’s hideous form told her, what she needed to do. 
But we never truly know what she does, with the scene cutting away as Bateman’s writhing agony echoed into the next shot. The same shot from the very beginning in fact. Only of course, Lori was where Bateman sat, waiting, anxiously. Tapping her hand on the table repeatedly to stave off the worry, but it didn’t do much.
Fortunately for her, many pairs of footsteps were heard approaching, a warm yellow light getting brighter and brighter. Much like Lori’s ever-growing smile, expecting to see all her fresh-faced sisters, bright and jolly again. Just like when they first arrived.
But no, hauling themselves out the abyss came Lynn, Luan, Lana, and Lisa, in that order. 
“W-what happened?” Lori sputtered, frightened by the display.
“Bateman, happened…” Lynn answered bitterly, taking a seat on the table, opposite to Lori, bearing the same dour expression her other sisters wore. 
“Oh…” Lori uttered, quickly piecing it all together from there. “So that thing, was Bateman…” Lori mumbled, with the sisters nodding lazily in response.
Making Lori’s frown deepen. “Did mother know about this?”
“Who’d you think made the call?” Luan asked bitterly, Lori’s eyes widening in shock, only for the shock to wain back to the same fearful frown as everyone else.
“We can never, go back home, ever…” Lana spat, filling the room with deafening silence right afterward. 
“So, what do we do?” Lisa uttered, pitifully. 
Leaving Lori’s mouth agape for an answer, all that would come out where fearful, dreadful heartaching breaths. The final few words spoken came after the final shot. The same shot the short began on. Only accompanied by nothing, but screaming silence.
“I don't know…”
Category:Lost Episodes
Category:The Loud House
Category:TV
Category:Read by Andaull
Category:Read on Youtube
Category:Longpasta