Red Handed/Original Story

"After all this time, our hand has finally been forced," a bearded man voiced, carrying an ambivalence suggesting he already had foresight into the inevitable. He sat in a dark room at the far end of a table, and at his opposite sat a parallel figure of completely different appearance and style of dress. The two looked as dissimilar as could be, but they were joined together for a common purpose."If only our mutual friend, Albert, could have seen things the same as we do," the second, larger man who was voiced by Mike Pollock spoke, "But I suppose you and he had never been on particularly good terms."Dr. Light sighed with nostalgia. "There was a time when we were the perfect team. But those days have long passed, yes. The present is what matters, and the future matters even more so.""Agreed. So let's get down to business, Thomas," Dr. Robotnik furthered. "We know what we are up against. How do you propose we address the issue at hand?"The first man scratched his beard in thought. "In all of my years of fighting evil, I've found it most efficient to appoint the most dependable robots to the task of actual combat. As you've probably expected, I have Rock here with me."A short robot in blue armor stood dutifully at his creator's side. He waved hello with a pleasant grin."In addition," Light continued, "I have managed to convince his brother, Blues, to help out."A second robot of the same height stood next to Rock. The second bot wore a yellow scarf and was protected by red and grey armor. He gave a smile and a thumbs-up in confirmation of his introduction."The famed Mega Man and Proto Man," Robotnik affirmed in respectful awe, "Your reputations do precede you.""These two have never let me down, and I'm as proud of them as can be," Dr. Light cheered, rubbing his hands on both of their heads. "And though I hate to put my children at risk, they have never once failed. I propose we organize and mobilize a strike team of robots for our cause."Dr. Robotnik smiled. "It always tickles my fancy to collaborate with a fellow scientist. It's not often I am able to share the in the presence of another who understands the purpose behind technology. I think your idea is quite grand.""Well, Ivo? Do you have any robots you would like to volunteer? Our task force should keep small numbers, so only one or two specialized robots would be preferred."The larger man bit his lip and turned his head in discomfort. "Well... not at the moment.""What about us, your nastiness?" a scratchy voice announced from a short distance away."Yeah, gnarly general, you can't forget us!" a slow and lumbering voice added.Robotnik sighed. "I guess I do have these two. Perhaps they will be of some use," he reluctantly admitted. "Scratch, Grounder, come out here."Two drastically different robots walked into sight, one of them a tall mechanical chicken, the other a small tank-like bot with treads for movement and drills for arms."The small green one reminds me very much of Drill Man. Did you collaborate with Albert on its schematics?""No, these are of my own design. I recently upgraded both of them in my spare time as well. They just have... some personality quirks to work out.""Well, be that as it may," Light pressed onward, "A team of four is almost ideal. All we are missing is a leader to command the team.""But if you consider that each of our robots are veterans in their own right, what would they need a leader for? We can easily communicate instructions to them from a distance.""That is true, but none of them have ever functioned in a team-based setting before. A field commander would serve the purpose of making urgent decisions and rallying the troops to collaborate in the most effective ways.""I must give you credit, you have certainly thought things out," Dr. Robotnik praised, "But who would you suggest for such a role?""Rock seemed to have a suggestion when I discussed this with him earlier.""That's right, I have a friend who would be happy to help us," the Blue Bomber explained, before typing some information into the buster on his arm.A blue light dropped down from the ceiling and teleported a young man into the room, who had long hair and wore sunglasses. "Oh hey Mega Man, what's up?""This is my friend Ian. He's a cool dude.""Is there something going on?" the man asked."Dr. Light and Dr. Robotnik need someone to lead a robot strike force on a mission," Proto Man explained, "Are you up to the task?"He shrugged. "Huh? Well, ok, sure. I'll give it a shot.""What are your qualifications?" Dr. Light asked."I write fan fiction on DeviantArt."Dr. Robotnik cautiously took a step back. "You're a dangerous man, Mr. Ian, toying with powers you cannot control like that."Grounder whispered into Scratch's ear. "I have a bad feeling about this.""I agree with you on that one, turd tank," Scratched whispered back to confirm, "But what should we do about it?""Master Robotnik!" Coconots the mechanical monkey shouted, "I want to be in the story too!""Oh hey are those the badniks from the cartoons?" Ian asked, "I love those guys. They're some funny ass dudes."Coconuts blushed. "I-It's not like I enjoy your compliments or anything, baka.""Well, if we are all ready to begin, I would like to brief each of you on the particular dilemma we are faced with," Dr. Light announced.They all gathered around a table and began looking at a holographic display of a particularly tall and toned figure."Who's this bonehead beefcake?" Scratch asked. "He's buff as h*ck.""This, my curious cybernetic companion, is Youtube," Robotnik introduced."I hate this already," Grounder grumbled.Robotnik cleared his throat and continued. "As far as the public is concerned, Youtube is a superhero. No one particularly likes him, but the public services he offers are so useful that entire cities have become dependent on him. He has recently even awakened a new transformation, which he calls Youtube Red."Mega Man raised an eyebrow. "Well that all sounds really annoying, but why is any of that a problem? I'm sure Youtube does good stuff too.""You would think the world would be better because of this, but things are quickly turning south, and I think Ivo and I are the only two who have recognized the warning signs," Dr. Light explained with narrowed eyes and a hint of hesitation to his voice. "Ever since awakening the Red form, Youtube has actually been radiating toxins. He is effecting everyone indiscriminately, but is having even more noticeable adverse effects on gamers. He's turning gamers into shitheads""More like lamers," Proto Man joked, fist bumping Mega."Now while this is an issue that could easily be addressed by confronting Youtube with the information and asking him to agree to have tests run on him so we could counteract the negative effects, we fear that things are much worse than that," Dr. Robotnik elaborated. "In fact we believe Youtube's intentions have become quite malicious, and the spread of the toxins seems to be controlled. Recently, Youtube has been encouraging everyone far and wide to become super heroes themselves, calling it a 'Youtube Heroes' program. He's advocating reporting any suspicious activities, no matter how insignificant. Now normal citizens are being rewarded by Youtube for being snitches, and many times Youtube doesn't even look into the allegations before acting and punishing. In a world where the law has an iron grip on everyone, controlled at the reigns by a super powered individual... well, we believe Youtube's end goal is to create an authoritarian state, by geeks and gamers, FOR geeks and gamers."Coconuts tried to hide his uncertainty with humor. "That's the worst thing I've heard all week, and I listened to Scratch sing karaoke last Wednesday.""Why you... !! You got the coconuts to say that again to my face?!"Ian silenced both of them with a shush. "This is important guys. Pay attention," he commanded."Thank you, Ian," Dr. Light acknowledged, before moving on to his next point. "Now, we are to understand that we are prepared to act for the greater good of the planet regardless of what the law will allow. We will be working entirely outside of the law, in fact.""Yeah, I do all kinds of crazy illegal stuff all the time, it's pretty fun," Robotnik snickered, doing alcohol and drugs and other bad things."So, with that disclaimer out of the way, I will go ahead and confirm that our mission is indeed to neutralize Youtube," Dr. Light said, deadly serious."So we're some kind of cool black-ops unit? Like the X-Force?" Grounder asked."Err... more or less, I suppose."Grounder fist pumped. "Fruckin' sweet. Did you hear that, violent vizier? We're gonna be X-Force!""I'm very happy for you, Grounder," Robotnik responded."Now, this brings us to our second issue," Dr. Light resumed, getting the discussion back on track, "We believe that since having awakened the Red form, Youtube may be too powerful to be beaten.""Is that true, Dr. Light?" Mega Man questioned with an earnest confusion, "We've never come up against anything I couldn't beat with a little help from my friends."Dr. Robotnik bit his lip in frustration. "I'm sorry to say that I have my doubts, as well. We hardly know anything about the true power of what we are up against. But fear not, my friends! I have a solution."He carefully handled a vial which looked empty, and gave it to Mega Man. "I have created a retrovirus, which targets individuals based on their DNA. If Youtube Red is exposed to this virus, it should cause catastrophic damage to his internal organs and result in his death. I call it the FOXDIEpie virus.""Now this is the most crucial detail, so listen carefully," Dr. Light spoke, demanding the attention of all in the room. "The virus will take at least thirty minutes to properly gestate and take full effect. That is why we have assembled you all, as our must trustworthy fighters. You must expose Youtube to the virus, and then keep him occupied for that thirty minute window. He can't be allowed to run free after being infected, otherwise he might find out a way to avoid the virus' effects.""How would it do that? Is there a cure?" Proto Man asked."Well, I mean, it hasn't been tested yet," Robotnik explained, "It's possible Youtube might be able to just poop out the virus or something before it has a chance to take effect."Dr. Light nodded. "Which is why we've assembled you robots to keep him occupied through combat operation.""But... what if he poops on the robots?" Squidward asked with nervous concern."Ewwww..." Grounder mumbled squeamishly."Well. I guess I don't really have an answer for that one. But we'll equip you all to the best of our abilities so you can be prepared for anything," Light answered."As I said before, my tempestuous trio of tin have all been upgraded recently. They should be more than ready," Dr. Robotnik exclaimed with pride."Mega Man, I'm taking away all of your powers from your last mission," Dr. Light spoke."Dad what the fuck," Mega Man spoke deadpan."I've been under contract with Capcom since Mega Man 2, I don't have a choice. Sorry.""And I've got all the weapons I need right here," Proto Man smirked, changing one of his hands into his proto buster and holding his proto shield with the other. He flexed his muscles and made his pecs pop out one at a time like bongo drums."What about me?" Ian asked."Oh, uh," Robotnik mumbled, not having a response immediately ready. He threw a piece of jewelry at the man. "Here, take this bounce bracelet.""What in the hell am I supposed to do with this?""Bounce?""My body is not designed that way.""Fuck, I guess you're right.""I'm sure you'll be fine out there without a weapon," Dr. Light brushed off passively."I think you are severely overestimating my skills."A monitor began flashing and beeping, and Coconuts was nearby to announce the cause. "Supreme Sagittarius sultan, we've picked up Youtube Red on radar!"Robotnik put on his game face. "Pull it up on the screen. Where is he?""He seems to be relaxing in an empty field on the outskirts of Mushroom City.""We must get ready to deploy!" Dr. Light shouted."How do we get there?" Ian asked, "I suppose I can call my friend Green Lantern and he can fly us there.""We have teleporters dude," Proto Man explained."Oh right.""Well, are you ready to lead us, oh deviant dictator?" Scratch asked."Don't call me that.""Sorry, your booty-clapping boss, sir.""Don't call me that either.""Just stop talking, chicken run," Coconuts snarked."Alright, I have the coordinates programmed," Dr. Light announced, "I'm sending you all to the drop point in 3... 2... 1..."The group of friends instantly warped through a transdimensional tube of flowing rainbow particles and streaks of neon lights pattered with sparkles, and then they were in an open field in the middle of the night. Ian's eyes adjusted, but the bots could see just fine. In the middle of field, Youtube was standing up at a computer desk with a screen in front of him."Is he wacking off?" Grounder questioned with hesitant concern."What the fuck do you guys want?" Youtube snarled, "I'm busy watching partnered videos.""Why do you have your genitals in your hand, you supreme schlong stroking stupid simpleton?" Coconuts barked."It's like a game. I try to see if I can finish before the pre-video three minute advertisements end. And then I watch Minecraft videos in the afterglow.""Gross. Let's take this clown out," Ian commanded, organizing his team into a battle formation. "Rock, Blues, go!""With pleasure!" Proto Man grinned, and the two bot brothers began sliding and zipping and jumping and parkouring around the empty field of grass. They approached Youtube with blinding speed, and Mega Man managed to toss the vial with the virus at his foe. It shattered against Youtube's left external obliques, and with that the virus was successfully delivered. The entire motion happened so quickly that Youtube barely noticed the vial at all, as he was dodging energy pellets as they rapidly fired through the air at him."I guess I'll have to show you chumps my true power, and why you shouldn't mess with me," Youtube threatened, sliding his dong back into his undies.With a flash of bright light and a massive shockwave of energy, Youtube ascended to his Red form. He held up his hands and suddenly all of the robots were caught in place. "I'm flagging these characters on copyright grounds. You don't own the rights to any of them, so it's about time I suspend your account... permanently."Ian looked down at the bounce bracelet he wore. "Well, guess I'm out of options."
Mario entered a rather large barn, the thematic location of a square dance club and karaoke bar. His eyes scanned across the room, seeing all kinds of jovial tomfoolery taking place among the happy participants. He eventually noticed the person who invited him to the club, so he moseyed on over across the dance floor to have a seat at the counter."It's been a while since we've met like this, jolly King Koopa."Bowser chuckled. "Flattery will only get you so far. But thanks for coming on such short notice... I mean it.""You know it, pal. Want to tell me what's up?"In Bowser's hand was a small glass of sweet tea, which he swirled around in small circles to jostle the ice cubes within, creating the noise of small clinking. "You know I trust you, right?"Mario chuckled. "Well I would certainly hope so. I WAS the one you asked to vouch for you when you were trying to adopt the Koopalings.""Haha, yeah. Good times. We've been through a lot together, haven't we..."Mario took a quick breath, and adjusted his eyebrows in the motion of a wave from one side of his face to the other, blinking as if he was having momentary trouble wrapping his mind around the ongoing situation. "You know I don't like it when you get all serious like this, Bowser."The Koopa stared deeply into his drink glass. "Well, I've been doing some thinking.""About?"Bowser sighed slowly. "Mario, old pal, do you ever wonder if what you are doing is actually making a difference in the world?"Mario smiled in a distantly empathetic manner. "More often than I'd like to, yeah.""What do you do when you feel that way?""Never really thought about that before," the plumber answered honestly, "I suppose the first step would be getting to the bottom of what's causing those thoughts.""Well that's easy enough. It's the job."Mario's lips skewed to the edge of his mouth in discomfort for his friend. "I didn't realize things were going rough at you for work."He ever-so-slightly pounded his clenched fist against the counter repeatedly. "I could put a hundred memers behind bars every day and it wouldn't be enough. I'd still walk home from work seeing doge running rampant in the streets.""Hey, man," Mario argued, "You can't blame the world's problems on yourself. You're doing the best you can.""It's just... I can't even describe it. I just feel like it isn't even worth trying anymore. I'm thinking about turning in my badge.""Whooooa, now, pal. That's a little much, ain't it?""Everything just feels so pointless...""Let me guess how it feels," Mario chuckled, prepared to make a joke at his own expensive. "Is it sorta like spending every day of your life trying to save a princess, only to wake up the next morning and find out she's been kidnapped again?"It was as if Bowser had been hit with a sledgehammer. "Wow. Damn. I never thought of it that way.""Hey, I guess I would have been out of a job myself had you not done all that.""I can't believe I was such a shitty person before I joined the force.""Now there's a thought. Maybe you're thinking too large. Changing the world is a tall order, and maybe one that can't be done on short notice. But isn't it good enough that this job has helped you change yourself?"Bowser sat quietly and absorbed the information."All we can do is make the best of things for ourselves," Mario continued."... I'm glad we're friends, Mario."The mustached man smiled. "Me too, Bowser."The two buddies gave each other a hug.Youtube Red broke through one of the walls of the building at incredible speed, blasting through the room and putting a hole in the opposite wall on his way out. On his tail were a man, two short little boys in armor, a chicken, a tank, and a monkey, all crawling through the first hole and running across the room to follow Youtube's flight path."Oh, hey Mario! Hey Bowser!" Mega Man waved with a wide smile. Soon after, the group had left through the second hole and were gone."Maybe we should call it a night," Mario suggested.Bowser downed his glass of Georgia tea. "Agreed."
The battle moved towards one of the empty highway roads nearby. The conflict was moving dangerously close to the city by this point. "How'd you do that, bounce bracelet baron?" Grounder asked."I bounced like I've never bounced before. I guess independent characters can still fight against copyright claims! We have to fight back with our own, original characters!" Ian hastily explained as Youtube Red got up from the ground."Now, it's OUR turn to shine! FORM UP, BADNIKS!" Coconuts shouted with authority."Don't boss us around, Coconumbnuts!" Scratch snarked back.The three of Robotnik's badniks all got together and formed an odd triangular pose, as if they were huddling together like a football team. Rainbow colored waves of energy vibrated from around the group, and they were all engulfed in a flash of light. All three of them shouted in unison. "FUUUUUUSIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOON....... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"Ian and Youtube were momentarily blinded, and when their vision returned they saw a tall, green chicken with drills for hands and a lightbulb for a head. "You stand before the might of... Gratchonuts!"His head turned to the side. "No, you idiot, we agreed on this, it's 'Scroundernuts!'"The head turned the opposite way. "Why's my name always gotta go at the end?""Because 'Coco' doesn't lead into anything that sounds good!"The bot punched himself in the face. "My name sounds better than yours, you scrawny little chicken nugget!""Why are we always fighting, guys...""HEY. TEAM. GET IT TOGETHER!" Ian shouted.Scroundernuts brushed himself off and took a deep breath. "Alright. We'll take care of this really quick, boss."Youtube Red scoffed with condescending laughter. "You think you can fight me with that mediocre power level? You must have been built without brains."Scroundernuts grinned with sinister-yet-enthusiastic anticipation. "You're going to love this. Trust me. What you see now is my normal state."The combobot effortlessly exerted a burst of energy, giving itself a yellow aura. "This is a Super Saiyan. And THIS..."Electrical sparks flowed through the air freely around the robot, and the light bulb on top of his head lit up a bright golden hue. "THIS is what is known as a Super Saiyan that has ascended past a Super Saiyan. Or, you could just call this a Super Saiyan 2."Youtube Red was unfazed. "Ho hum. What a useless transformation. You've changed your hair, so what?"Scroundernuts laughed softly. "Just wait."Dr. Light intently watched the video screen back at the home base. "Has he really found a way to surpass an ascended Saiyan? Is that even possible?""He must be bluffing," Squidward theorized, "I mean, what would that make him? Double ascended?""AND THIS..."Mega Man broke out in a cold sweat. "W-What's he doing...?!""...IS... TO GO... EVEN FURTHER BEYOND..."The ground began to shake around Scroundernuts, with the pavement underneath his feet cracking into pieces. The air began to feel pressurized, as if the wind was being thrashed about. The clouds in the sky parted and flowed as if Scroundernuts' power was affecting the weather itself.
: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
"N-N-N-No!! Stop it, Scroundernuts!!" King Kai shouted, "If you do this now it's going to drain away all the time you have left on Earth! And I say, you need every second of it as it is!"
: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
The sky flashed a bronzed mustard gold as Scoundernuts drastically transformed his body. He sprouted roller blades under his chicken feet, and grew a Wookiee pelt over his shoulder like the one Boba Fett wears. He gained a golden mustache on his face, and his drills for hands massively amplified in size until they were bigger than the universe itself, and then they got so big they stopped existing. His chest compartment opened up to reveal a stockpile of thousands of intercontinental ballistic missiles ready for launch. Then, Scroundernuts manifested a single angel wing on one side of his back, and created a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot long sword out of pure energy."Hey guys he's already dead," Ian pointed out. Their transformation sequence had taken the rest of the thirty minutes of time for the virus to take effect. Sure enough, Youtube Red laid on the ground, completely lifeless. What a loser."Well, team, mission accomplished. I think," Ian spoke with pride.Scroundernuts walked over to his team leader, causing earth-shattering tremors and shaking the stars as he took every step, as if he had the force of ten thousand tons behind each action. "Do we have to go back to normal now?""Yeah, probably."Scroundernuts popped in a little puff of smoke as if Sonic had attacked him. Out came Scratch, Grounder, and a Flicky. "Uh oh, I think Coconuts went back too far," Grounder lamented.The bird formerly known as Coconuts flew into the sky and reunited with Gamma and his family from Sonic Adventure."Good job, Ian. You've all succeeded," Robotnik praised, "Have your team secure the perimeter. We have a specialist on the way to dispose of the body."A long limousine drove down the road, and out stepped R.O.B., wearing a black hat, sunglasses, and a black coat. He doused Youtube Red in gasoline and threw a lit match on top of the body. He looked to the band of robots with a smirk. "You're doing good work out here guys. Keep it up." And with that, he, and his car, and the body were all gone without a trace."I'm teleporting you all back to the lab now for debriefing," Dr. Light informed.Through the same teleportation system as before, the group gathered once more within the secret base Dr. Light and Dr. Robotnik had constructed. "Excellent work, guys!" Proto Man praised, staying as cool as ever."Yep, we did a good job out there. I'm proud of you guys," Ian smiled, pulling them all together for a group hug."Who are you again?" Grounder asked.A new voice echoed through the room. "Yes, indeed. You all did an excellent job. But there is still more work to be done, should you choose to help."Dr. Strange, Dr. Doom, and Dr. Mario levitated in from the shadows to introduce themselves. "Are you interested in saving the world one more time?""Yeah!" Scratch cheered with pride for his new team, "But shouldn't we come up with a name for ourselves?""What about... the Nite Ops?" Mega Man suggested."What the h*ck does that mean?" Scratch asked."Yeah, you spelled 'night' wrong," Ian added."No, like, Nite the person.""Who?"
Category:Original Stories