Alpha Prime - Smoothbrain Criminal

Alpha Prime - Smoothbrain Criminal is the title of the video in which Civvie reviews Alpha Prime. It is the seventeenth episode of Season 4. 
== Synopsis ==
Civvie finds himself frustrated by one of the dumber slavjank games: an attempt at making F.E.A.R. but in space, with way too many cutscenes for how little actual story it has.
== Video ==
== Transcript ==
*beeeeeeeeeep* *royalty-free music plays*
[CIVVIE] You ever take a suggestion from a patron about a video game to play, and they say it's bad, and you're like, "Okay yeah, I gotta do bad games sometimes to wash the taste of…"
What do you call that feeling, where it's not a sense of constant dread, anxiety, depression, loneliness, isolation?…
So the 2000s were a decade of strife for the First Person Shooter genre, *monitor update sound*
What's that? Talk about some slavjank? Don't mind if I do! In the early 90's, a studio called Insanity was founded
to port of Wolfenstein 3D to the Commodore Amiga. I don't have that. But I've been trying to get an Amiga emulator to run their first original game, Testament,
naturally an FPS. *Testament music plays*
*malfunction sound*
*TV buzzing sound* Okay, so this isn't the worst Wolf3D clone I've ever played, because that's Operation: Body Count, but it's still weird and jank.
The pistol animation is super fluid though. But the rest of the game isn't.
Nah… If anyone knows how to get Amiga emulation working better under Windows, please leave a message in the men's room of the Silk Button in Providence, Rhode Island, near the docks,
next to the place that used to be a bookies before they outlawed baby death races. It's not what you think, that's where babies get in little cars and smash into each other.
Testament was a Doom clone that looked like this, and then Insanity, they split after Testament II,
and then they un-split and became Black Element Software, creators of Alpha Prime, who then got gobbled up into Bohemia Interactive who made ARMA.
So yes, I can draw a straight line from the casual cruelty of Alpha Prime to the casual cruelty of Day Z.
You know what, I'm getting ahead of myself, you might be expecting some kind of modern military shooter, and that's not it. We're talking about a sci-fi adventure, written by famed Czech sci-fi author Ondřej Neff.
And when has science fiction stories and slavjank ever failed us, kids? [AX3] What is the time, CV-11?
[CIVVIE] Hooo! You think you can just roll in here like nothing happened? [AX3] I am afraid my programming is not sufficient to help you with your current demonic possession,
and if I am only here to read gaming text, then so be it. Priority one is- [CIVVIE] Oh no, we got fully voiced cutscenes in this one, I don't need you.
And what cutscenes they are, kids. Are you ready? No, really, get a glass of water, take your piss, this is…
Deep breaths. [FRED]
[FRED'S FRIEND] [CIVVIE] I haven't cut anything out yet. That's the start of this game. [FRED]
[CIVVIE] Ah, yes, a precious mineral, named after noncontroversial figure L. Ron Hubbard, unless there's another Hubbard they'd be paying tribute to in this weird sci-fi game from the Czech republic.
[AD] *ding* [AD] [AD] *ding* [AD]
[AD]
[CIVVIE] Ah, yes, the sinister… Corporation. Less than a minute, kids, LESS THAN A MINUTE.
[FRED] [FRED'S FRIEND]
[CIVVIE] What if I told all of you that this isn't even remotely the most embarrassing vocal performance in this game?
[FRED]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] So let's just keep mining the Hubbardium then, right?
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] I only have to watch these once, Katie, she's editing this, she's gotta watch them like fifty times…
I'm sorry Katie. [ARNOLD] [LIVIA]
*audience cheers* [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] OH MY GOD, STOP! You've said "hubbardium" more times than I can milk a joke about it, and let me fucking tell you honk honk raw sewer count!
[ARNOLD] [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Oh, so they fucked. I guess she was really into… "this"… [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Okay, I wanna get off now. [LIVIA]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] Oh, this guy, Arnie. The guy who says that he has no heart.
And that it is a good thing. He's the player character. [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] I'm getting mixed signals here. [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Yeah? [ARNOLD] Yeah! [ARNOLD]
[LIVIA] [CIVVIE] I'd like to remind everyone that this is just the opening cutscene, that this game is about shooting things and we will get there.
Someday. [ARNOLD]
[LIVIA]
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Motherfucker, you'll be in that home in less than a decade, did you two meet at a hospice? Is this an Indie/Marion situation?
[INDIANA JONES] I never meant to hurt you. [MARION] I was a child, I was in love! [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE (with accordion music)] Not since Casablanca have I seen the embers of an old romance begin to flicker anew, to overcome such pain and loss only to be met with a humbling dignity, compassion…
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Oh! And one more thing: this guy's drinking outta nothing. [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Whoah what?! This is not a drill! All hands on deck! We may get game! [LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Wait, you just spent five minutes telling me about magic minerals, prospector drama and casual misogyny and you cut it off there?
*ship taking damage* [COMPUTER VOICE]
[ARNOLD] [COMPUTER SOUNDS] [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] I don't know, I thought this ship was just a bar in an old folks' home, in fact, I didn't really know it was a ship… until now.
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Why?… [CIVVIE] Okay, we're finally in it, we crouch, we jump…
*beep* [LIVIA] [CIVVIE] Oh, goddammit!… [LIVIA]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] Okay, I guess hiring a writer doesn't always work out.
First weapon, a hammer.
🤨 Rrrriiiiight… [ARNOLD & CIVVIE]
[ARNOLD] [LIVIA]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] Oh, is she a hacker? I guess one door really shouldn't be much of a problem for her then if-
[LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Sure, maybe quit stopping me with cutscenes! It's not like the ship is gonna be completely destroyed, nothing urgent!
Okay, physics puzzles, now we're- [COMPUTER VOICE] Connect the circuit please. [CIVVIE] Oh… Uh…
[COMPUTER VOICE] Connect the circuit please. [CIVVIE] The circuit is connected, you gotta get into the escape pod and ignore that voice.
"Objectives: Now find yourself a weapon." Makes me think maybe this semi-auto hammer ain't gonna be very useful.
I walk inside and immediately complete my first objective.
Oh… oh no… oh… oh no… [KREED'S PROTAGONIST] Quit winning!
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] That's not a very progressive way to look at drug addiction. This is a disease, Arnie, what if you started doing Hubbardium, how would you feel?
It's okay, we're not shooting dehumanized drug addicts, we're onto robots, and I have a shotgun.
And soon we'll have the Gatling LE, one of the most disappointing things I've ever used in a video game. You know what destroys any kind of punch a weapon can have,
besides it having to hit something in the face a hundred times? Having the magazine hold only 28 rounds. Oh, hey, I forgot this game has physics, you know, 'cause mid-2000s?
And we're on a basketball court!
Wait… but his arms!… his arms!… It's always fun to look at the environmental decoration, like this… DOFF beer!
And also this! Is it still a T-pose if he's cut in half? Here I am, gunning down robots and Hubbardium junkies,
those filthy, filthy Hubbardium junkies, Oh!…
It's bullet time! Except it sucks! All the enemies are hitscanners and after a while, they'll shoot you as soon as you enter their field of view
it's like Blood Episode 1 on Extra Crispy.
There's a hacking mechanic too, which you might need sometimes to get a look into a room before you enter, you know, so you can plan your attack when the hitscanners are all aiming at you at the same time from different places.
Yes, it turns out that YOU are a hacker. Like Livia. And the signal strength icon at the top right tells you if there's something to hack,
and then sometimes, a hacking icon gets stuck on the screen forever. I'm kidding, it's not forever, but it gets written into saves,
so you see it until the next level unless you restart the map. And so you're going through this level shooting robots who have spotty AI.
When you get hit, the feedback isn't very helpful. You're just watching that bar tick down. And you get a sniper rifle this is about half as effective as it should be.
Two head-shots, really? This is one of those games where health is scaled by how big of a gun someone has.
Look, I gotta shoot this guy four times in the head because he's carrying a rocket launcher.
And when you're trying to aim the sniper rifle, the horizontal and the vertical sensitivity are completely different.
It's hard to present in a non-interactive medium so you're gonna have to take my word for it. A lot of these areas are copied and pasted, whole hallways, rooms, so it gets a little confusing.
One issue I found is that when you shoot these robots, there's so much smoke and bloom and shit that it's hard to tell what's actually happening behind it
so maybe they die, I dunno, good effects though. This tech is related to the ARMA tech, this went a long way.
I was curious to see how the hammer worked on these enemies so I did my due diligence and went into bullet time with the hammer.
Which is what I will creatively title… Hammer Time. You get it? Hammer Time? What do you think of that?
[AX3] Actionable pun detected. *defibrillator charging and delivering* [CIVVIE] Ohhh…. thank you, it's good to have you back.
But what does our friend, H4MM3R, think about hammer time- *bonk* But what does our friend, H4MM3R, think about hammer time- Ow! - Ow! [H4MM3R] Fuck you, Civvie, you're only profitable because of the demon. - Ow! [H4MM3R] I should have killed you years ago. *crack*
[CIVVIE] I've been hiding something from you guys though. I skipped over an important character. I think I presented the last level as if it didn't have awful, annoying interruptions from cutscenes
and I wanna rectify that now. I uh… Guys, I…
This is Paolo… [ARNOLD] [PAOLO]
[CIVVIE] Paolo is what happens when you run two languages through Google Translate at the same time. [PAOLO]
[CIVVIE] He is the worst character in Grand Theft Auto IV.
[PAOLO] [CIVVIE] Stop with the fucking cutscenes- So you're fighting alongside Paolo-
[PAOLO]
[ARNOLD] [PAOLO]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] Paolo is gonna give you a map, right? Since he kinda knows the-
*Paolo keeps talking* SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh my god, I didn't download this game to listen to this fucking meatball in vodka sauce endlessly fucking jabber!
AND WHO THE FUCK- [ARNOLD] [PAOLO]
[CIVVIE] So I go to the control room and- FUUUUUUU!… [ARNOLD]
[LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] I get out through the- Oh goddammit!
[PAOLO]
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] There hasn't been a single mutant this entire goddamn time!
[PAOLO]
[CIVVIE] Do you guys hear that when he talks? *siren*
Is that my brain? [PAOLO] *repetitions of "I'm always with you!"*
*Civvie joins him in* *repetitions of "I'm always with you!"* [DEMON] 😈 I'm always with you! 😈
[PAOLO] [CIVVIE] Oh god, he's on the Hubbardium shit now?
Jesus Christ, God, please, release me from this Paolo prison.
We're done with the robots. Hooray, robots are gone, we're going straight to being slavjank F.E.A.R.
And it is…… not good. So, hitscan enemies and bullet time… F.E.A.R. had hitscan enemies.
And you'd think the purpose of having bullet time would be, you know, dodging the bullets? The reason F.E.A.R. doesn't suck is because of the AI tricks,
and more importantly, the arena design, where you can kinda move around. And in Alpha Prime, that doesn't really work.
Because the arenas are straight lines and hallways. So what you would ideally be doing is poking your head out from cover and shooting things…
But then, why bullet time? I guess don't hip-fire the sniper rifle because… look at where the bullet is going…
Is this not supposed to support widescreen? Is it one of those? Wait no, it's not…
You get a flamethrower too, I can't really testify to its effectiveness. Video game flamethrowers always seem to be a crap-shoot, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
But at least in this case, its rules are consistent. Because I've been blasted by it and nothing happened. If you're wondering, yeah, this game is just shooting dudes and robots sometimes.
We don't even see those robots again. And they were probably some of the hardest enemies to deal with. This pipe is some kinda optical illusion I need to uh…
So the hacking is less of a skill and more of a long-range button press that you have to wait for, see, I gotta get on this crane and then hack the controls so it'll take me over to this catwalk.
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land theme plays*
*Civvie is exasperated and laughs hysterically* *Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land theme plays*
[LIVIA] [CIVVIE] I forgot about this other guy who's talking in your ear.
[ARNOLD]
[BRUCE]
[CIVVIE] I like the cut of this guy's jib, his vibe is really speaking to me right now. But Bruce is the one who told me to take the trains later so fuck him.
You do get more of that oxygen starvation when you're on a train, the train itself has no oxygen system.
I mean, it has an oxygen dispenser with unlimited oxygen but you know… The train goes about a hundred feet and then you have to stop it again,
you do this a few times. At least, you have all the weapons now, and yeah, it is shockingly early in the game for that.
[BRUCE] [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Okay, listen, he's calling him "snoop" because Bruce has been "snooping" on his conversations,
not because he's a racist. Although Arnie could be a racist, he is kind of an asshole already. [BRUCE]
[CIVVIE] Did I mention that he is also a hacker? I've learned that enemies don't need to be aiming at you to hit you, which is… fine?…
Everything… is fine… *demonic interference* Everything… is fine… Oh no, they killed Paolo!…
You know, I wanna stop showing this game's cutscenes and talk about the game itself but the game is REALLY preoccupied with its story.
See, we left Paolo back in that room so he wouldn't get hurt, but the main antagonist of this game, Olivier, found him.
[OLIVIER] [SOLDIER] [PAOLO]
[CIVVIE] Me Paolo Bellini! I am not here! Mamma mia! Gabagool! Get-a your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!
[OLIVIER] [CIVVIE] Oh shit, plot twist! Paolo works for the company too!
Is he also a hacker? [OLIVIER] [PAOLO]
[OLIVIER]
[CIVVIE] Ah yes, CORAL SNAKE. CORAL SNAKE is generally found in the LIQUID SNAKE
and is such a proper noun that all letters are capitalized. Paolo is doing a really bad job of convincing Olivier here to keep him alive.
[Captioner here. Katie is right, listen to her]
[CIVVIE] You know. when I start and end a line with a swear, it's also bad writing. This cutscene is almost four minutes long.
[OLIVIER] [CIVVIE] You should give that solider a medal.
[ARNOLD] [WARREN]
[CIVVIE] Wait.. but I work for the Company. And so do you! [WARREN]
[CIVVIE] Oh… What? [WARREN] [CIVVIE] Uh huh. [WARREN]
[CIVVIE] Uh huh. [WARREN]  [CIVVIE] Okay, wait, but doesn't that mean that you work for the Company like she does?
[WARREN] [CIVVIE] Right, sure, uh huh.
[Captioner here, I also give up.] [CIVVIE] Oh my god! [Captioner here, I also give up.] [Captioner here, I also give up.] [CIVVIE] Man, that's weird, they're doing a Willy Wonka movie, another one, this one they're just gonna call Wonka.
Why would they do that?… Oh, of course, it's Joe Lieberman again, it's always fucking Joe Lieberman.
Because we stood here dumping exposition for two and half minutes, Livia is working with the Company because women can't be trusted.
But that's not important. This room is purgatory. It floods with enemies almost as soon as you're done talking
so what I did is I saved my game at the beginning of it and then accidentally, I saved it again when I was almost dead.
which is probably why I had to play this for half an hour. You have to protect Warren while he's coding. Warren is also a hacker.
They don't shoot at him, thankfully. And this arena is probably the best example of why F.E.A.R.'s level design matters.
Because you have to take cover, and here's the layout of it :
I hate this fucking game.
That goddamn thing is still stuck on the screen! Hey, you guys wanna see two guys sit and talk for four fucking minutes? Me neither.
So Warren walks out of the room and gets kidnapped. So in case you hadn't already figured out that Livia is evil: Spoilers: Livia is evil!
Livia, who sent you to find Warren, who knew that Livia was working for the Company and knew she was evil, she sent you to find him.
I understand the logic behind it, because I once called the police on my friend who ran a meth lab that I ran.
[ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE LOSING IT] Yeah, fuck bitches, get Hubbardium… *Civvie laughs* [BRUCE]
[CIVVIE] All these cutscenes are skippable by the way, but not for me. It was about here that I started really using… the lean mechanic…
*royalty-free music plays* *Sorry, not Smooth Criminal plays* You can lean in this game and the AI just doesn't notice you sometimes.
I was desperate, I was down to 2 health. *not Smooth Criminal continues*
All the weapons are more accurate when you're standing still and leaning, so I have to wonder what the bullet time is for.
I can use the pistol more when my assault rifle is low on ammo. Just rotate 45 degrees left or right and this guy can dodge bullets.
Just not in fucking bullet time! Don't use the lean mechanic with the sniper rifle, just don't.
[ARNOLD] [BRUCE]
[BRUCE]
[CIVVIE] Don't worry, he's fine. Warren and Olivier were both out there but they're fine. Olivier actually tricked Warren by having a picture of Paolo on a screen to lure him out.
Because Olivier is a hacker. Hey, I wonder…
Nice! Oh, yeah, we had to have one, this game came out in the mid-2000s,
it had to have a vehicle section, and what a section it is! So the vehicle in question is this buggy here.
It has oxygen, unlike the trains. It's a stealth vehicle or they just didn't have sounds for it…
You can't rotate the camera around the vehicle at all, it auto-adjusts to behind it, it takes turns very, very sharply
and it seems to take a minute to correct itself so it's a chore to drive it. Oh damn it, I…
What? *giggles*
Oh, also, Warren is dying. [ARNOLD]
[WARREN]
[CIVVIE] I want a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man! [ARNOLD]
*Warren coughs* [WARREN] [BRUCE] You know women ain't shit.
[WARREN] Don't forget. [WARREN]
[CIVVIE] Wait a minute, did Wonder Woman 1984 steal it's MacGuffin from Alpha Prime? Just like they stole that guy's fucking body?!
Wonder Woman 1984 is the dumbest of the DC movies. It's not the worst, that's probably Batman v Superman or Justice League,
but it is the dumbest, cause it's a movie about a magic rock that grants wishes. [STEVE TREVOR] The Monkey's Paw.
[CIVVIE] Yeah, just like that. And so Wonder Woman is still dripping for this dude who died more than a half century before
and so she wishes him back but instead of doing the thing that The Monkey's Paw does, which is turn them into a shambling corpse, that would have been a cool fucking movie.
Instead, it puts his consciousness into some random guy's body, they jack some random guy's body and then the entire world gets caught up in almost getting annihilated
because a poorly-thought out Donald Trump analogy gets people to wish for things, and also a cheetah lady. [OLIVIER]
[CIVVIE] Oh, so it can't be Livia, because Olivier… Not to be confused with Livia. I wish we could have seen that, instead we're just… standing here, looking at Arnie's ass, listening to Olivier.
[ARNOLD] [OLIVIER]
[CIVVIE] Oh, okay, skip- Going down into the mine… Eh, it's not so bad, it might be the most enjoyable part in the game
because you have some decent cover and because the AI is kinda broken sometimes, 7 out of 10,
it's the closest this game gets to having arena design- Oh, goddammit! [BRUCE]
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land theme plays* [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] This section is better but there's still… limitations to this game's combat.
I think I've seen too much slavjank, guys, it just doesn't hit like it used to.
This one room… is the best designed arena in this game, and it's a shame that the enemies just stand there and shoot you.
It's final boss time. That's right, a slavjank game with a proper final boss! The final boss is bloom.
Nah, I'm kidding. [OLIVIER]
[CIVVIE] Oh, cool, he wanted you to kill all those guys. Why don't you just shoot him now? [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] 🤞 Please be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. 🤞 🤞 Please be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. 🤞 Nah, it's some generic mutant thing with a rocket launcher for an arm.
And the only way to defeat it is to hit three switches and get him to walk into this thing. [COMPUTER VOICE] Generators on.
[ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] Okay, but… you've given me all this ammunition before this, right?
Like all these rockets here? More rockets than I probably collected in the game up to that point
and you don't… shoot the boss, you do this? I guess it's over. [BRUCE]
[SOLDIERS] [ARNOLD]
[LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Best of them all? Dude is twice your age and his superpower is leaning. What the fuck are you talking about?
[LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] I don't understand, because if he hadn't done that, I could have taken him out with one rocket instead of… You know what? Never mind. Let's just get to the back-stab.
[ARNOLD] [LIVIA] [ARNOLD] Au contraire, sweetheart. [CIVVIE] "O'contrary"?…
Oh yeah, I know him. That's my friend from Boston, Patty O'Contrary. *giggles* [ARNOLD]
[LIVIA]
[ARNOLD]
[LIVIA] [ARNOLD]
[CIVVIE] Oh!… Ewwwww… [ARNOLD] [CIVVIE] I didn't see any of that, but you are both assholes, so maybe.
[LIVIA]
[CIVVIE] Oh no… [LIVIA]
*hard rock music plays* [CIVVIE] Well, that was like 60% game.
And 40% excruciating cutscenes. I wouldn't say this is the worst game I've ever played,
its shooting is kinda bad, the bullet time is completely useless, but hey, what do I know? I wasn't contracted by the marines to help make war simulations
and I can kinda see a world where Alpha Prime is a decent game. But only if I squint, and lean.
*How'd I Do? plays*
== Trivia ==
== Behind the Scenes ==
Category:Episodes
Category:Season 4
Category:Slavjank
Category:Appearances of The Demon