Transcripts/Father Knows Beast

:Twilight Sparkle: Woo-hoo-hoo!
:Spike: Whoa! Ta-da!
:Twilight Sparkle: Okay, Spike. Now let's try a flip. Remember – two flaps, then straight up!
:Spike: Got it!
:[flapping]
:Spike: [grunts]
:[splash]
:Spike: [inhales]
:[flapping]
:[bump]
:[thud]
:[crash]
:[fwip]
:[thud]
:Twilight Sparkle: You're doing great, Spike. Now let's see the big finish!
:Spike: [sighs]
:[sloop!]
:Spike: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!
:[crash]
:Spike: [grunts] I don't know about "big", but I am definitely finished.
:Twilight Sparkle: Maybe I should get Rainbow Dash. She's the one who taught me advanced flying techniques.
:Spike: No, thanks. If I'm gonna mess up, I'd rather do it in front of you. I just don't understand why none of your advice is helping.
:Smolder: Because she's teaching you to fly like a pony instead of a dragon.
:Spike: What's the difference?
:Smolder: Well, we don't have feathers, for starters.
:Spike: Ye-he-he-hes!
:[hoof-bump]
:Spike: Wow! Thank you so much! How did you know I just needed to bend my wings?
:Smolder: Honestly, this is Dragon 101. Usually dragon parents teach this stuff.
:[knock, knock]
:[door opens]
:Twilight Sparkle: Spike, I've been thinking about our flying lesson.
:Spike: Uh-huh...
:Twilight Sparkle: I can't believe I overlooked something as simple as feathers. It's no wonder you were having trouble. I wish I had more "dragonish" knowledge to give you. Do you think being raised by ponies has affected you in other ways? Spike?
:Spike: Did you say something, Twilight? Sorry. I'm just finishing up this "thank-you" throw pillow for Smolder. And you know how I get when I'm in the embroidery zone.
:Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles]
:
:Spike: It's a pillow! But not for your head. Although it could be. It's a throw pillow. They're more casual. You can use 'em anywhere. You don't like it.
:Smolder: Uh, it's not that. It's just dragons don't really use pillows. At all.
:Spike: What?
:Smolder: Hey, what's that?
:Spike: I don't know. But it's... heading right for us!
:[crash!]
:Spike: Okay. Now I really owe you for the lesson.
:Sludge: [groans, chuckles] Hey there, young dragons. [coughs] Name's Sludge. How are yours tails shakin'? [groans]
:Spike: You all right?
:Smolder: Yeah. What happened?
:Sludge: To what?
:[thud]
:Sludge: Oh. I don't need to explain myself to a couple of baby dragons. [groaning and whimpering]
:[thud]
:Sludge: Ow...
:Spike: Maybe not. But you're hurt and need help. So I'm taking you to Twilight's castle whether you like it or not?
:Sludge: Castle, eh? [groans]
:Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad Spike brought you here, Sludge. I understand you made quite the impression in town.
:Pinkie Pie: Literally! There's a hole and everything!
:Sludge: Well, I hope you're not expecting me to fix it. [groans]
:Applejack: It doesn't look like you're in much shape to do anything.
:Sludge: I'll manage. Dragons take care of themselves. I don't need help from a bunch of castle-livin' ponies. [whimpers]
:Rarity: Darling, do be careful.
:Sludge: I'm... [groans] ...fine.
:[thud]
:Fluttershy: I can't watch!
:Rainbow Dash: You're not the first stubborn dragon we've met, you know?
:Spike: And sometimes, even dragons need help.
:Twilight Sparkle: I promise. My friends and I will only do enough to get you back on your claws.
:[montage music]
:[sewing machine whirring]
:[cider press whirring]
:Sludge: [sighs]
:[crash!]
:[doors creak]
:Sludge: [sniffs]
:[clang!]
:[thud]
:Sludge: [chewing noisily]
:Mane Six and Spike: [cheer]
:Sludge: [chomp]
:Twilight Sparkle: I know you had your reservations, but it's good to see you feeling better.
:Sludge: T-Thanks, I guess.
:Rarity: That's what friends are for, darling.
:Sludge: You're pretty lucky to have friends like these, kid.
:Spike: Actually, I was orphaned as an egg, and Twilight raised me. So these ponies are more than my friends. They're my family.
:Twilight Sparkle: We try our best, but sometimes I worry that maybe Spike is...
:Spike: Missing something deep down and dragonish.
:Sludge: Really? Wow. I-I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that.
:Applejack: Why in Equestria would you be glad to hear that?
:Sludge: I wasn't gonna say anything since your life seemed so perfect, but I have a confession to make. Coming to Ponyville wasn't an accident. I was looking for you. Spike... [sighs] I'm your father.
:Mane Six: [gasp]
:Pinkie Pie: [continues gasping] Sorry.
:Twilight Sparkle: So you crashed in Ponyville on purpose?
:Sludge: Well, the crash part wasn't on purpose, but heading here was. I've been searching everywhere for you, kid.
:Spike: Did you ask in the Crystal Empire? I'm kind of well-known there.
:Pinkie Pie: Actually, Spike's well-known everywhere. Not a lot of dragons were hatched by the Princess of Friendship.
:Applejack: Mm-hmm.
:Sludge: [choked up] You make it sound so simple. I wish you'd been there to help me search.
:[doors open]
:Spike: I can't believe it. I have so many questions.
:Sludge: Well, ask away. Answering questions is what dads are for.
:Spike: I guess my biggest question is simple. Why was I an orphaned egg?
:Sludge: [stammers] You sure you don't want to ask something else? [choked up] It's a lot of painful memories. [sighs] Your mother was the best dragon I'd ever met.
:Sludge: [voiceover] The Dragon Lord even picked her to scout for the Great Migration, and-and even though she just laid your egg, we knew she'd have to go. But finding the Migration route could take a lifetime, and you deserved a chance to know your mother. So I went looking for you, carrying your egg to places no dragon or pony has ever been. Past Mount Aris, the abandoned home of the Hippogriffs...
:Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Did you visit Klugetown?
:Sludge: You've been to Klugetown?
:Mane Six: [various affirming]
:Twilight Sparkle: Also, the Hippogriffs returned to Mount Aris after we helped them defeat the Storm King.
:Sludge: Oh, well, have you heard of the Land of the... Scale Collectors?
:Twilight Sparkle: Uh-uh.
:Sludge: [to Spike] Because that's where your mother's trail finally led.
:Sludge: [voiceover] To a prison world of dragon hunters, where I was forced to choose between surrendering myself or surrendering your egg.
:[clang!]
:Sludge: [voiceover, choked up] Of course, there was no way I was gonna sacrifice my boy. So they took me instead, and that's where I'd been ever since.
:Sludge: Locked up somewhere not even the Princess of Friendship has heard of.
:Spike: Whoa... How did you know I was a boy?
:Fluttershy: Whatever happened to Spike's mom?
:Rainbow Dash: And how did the egg make it all the way back to Equestria by itself?
:Pinkie Pie: Hmm?
:Sludge: I wish I had all the answers. [crying]
:Spike: Well, that's all in the past. The only thing that matters now is that we're together. And I'm gonna make up for lost time.
:Spike: I hope you don't mind, but I have a list of all the things I always wanted to do with my dad?
:Sludge: Mind? Spike, my boy, with you by my side, I feel like we could do anything. What do you want to do first?
:Spike: Well, I've kind of been working on a list for a long time.
:[scroll unrolls]
:Sludge: Dude, you want to do all of this?
:Spike: Oh. I mean, w-we don't have to.
:Sludge: If you think doing everything on this incredibly long list is gonna fill the hole where your dragonishness should be, then that is exactly what we're gonna do!
:Spike: [gasps]
:[montage music]
:Granny Smith: [blows whistle]
:Sludge: [chomp, belches fire]
:Pinkie Pie: Woo-hoo!
:Spike: Oh, yeah!
:[wind whistling]
:[paper tearing]
:[paper tearing]
:[oven timer rings]
:Sludge: [chewing noisily]
:Sludge: [gulps]
:Spike: I can't believe we got so many things done. But this is all my stuff. Is there anything you always wanted to do with me?
:Sludge: Not really.
:[beat]
:Sludge: Uhhh, I mean, uh, I'm happy to do whatever you want. But if I had a castle like this with all this stuff, I'd probably just lay around all day doing nothing like a real dragon.
:Spike: Like a real dragon?
:Sludge: Sure! I'm not surprised you don't know any better. Twilight basically raised you as a pony. You're barely a dragon at all.
:Spike: Huh?
:[doors open]
:Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Spike! How are things going with Sludge?
:Spike: Honestly, I thought having him around would make me feel more dragonish. But I kind of feel less.
:Twilight Sparkle: Oh, I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
:Sludge: Awww, shucks. [chewing noisily] I guess I shouldn't have said anything about you being more pony than dragon. I just wish we had more in common.
:Twilight Sparkle: Maybe you two can come up with ways to turn up Spike's, uh, dragonishness.
:Spike: You think that's something we can do?
:Sludge: You know what, son? I think it is!
:[knocking on door]
:[door opens]
:Twilight Sparkle: Spike? I just thought I'd check to see if you and Sludge had any luck turning up your dragonishness. It's hard not to feel like somehow I let you down all these years.
:Sludge: [grunting]
:Twilight Sparkle: Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to barge in on ya!
:Sludge: [grunts, sighs] Ah, don't worry about it. Mi castle es su castle.
:Twilight Sparkle: Right. Well, I'll just get out of your way.
:[door closes]
:[squeak!]
:[splattering]
:Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Spike! I'm so sorry. My morning is not going well. What is all this? Why'd you leave the castle so early?
:Spike: I didn't leave. I spent the night outdoors to get in touch with my dragon side.
:Twilight Sparkle: Outdoors?
:Spike: Yeah! And Sludge asked me to bring him the best breakfast Ponyville has to offer so he can show me how a real dragon would eat it. See you later!
:[door closes]
:[doors open]
:Twilight Sparkle: ...And that's why I thought we could use the map to—
:Spike: Hey, gang! Dad was just showing me how a real dragon would act in a throne room.
:Sludge: Dragons like to sprawl when they get their claws done. [blows] Now, if you'll all excuse me, it's time for my bath.
:Spike: [sighs] Isn't he the best?
:Rarity: I'm not sure that's exactly the word I would use.
:Sludge: Uh, Spike? The bath isn't gonna fill itself, son.
:Spike: Be right there... Dad.
:Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad you're not spending the night outside again.
:Spike: Oh, I am. I'm just looking for a good bedtime story to read to my dad first.
:Twilight Sparkle: It's nice that you have somepony to show you dragon culture. But are you sure that's what Sludge is doing?
:Spike: What do you mean?
:Twilight Sparkle: Well, taking over your room, making a mess of things...
:Spike: [scoffs] That is dragon culture.
:Twilight Sparkle: You never acted like that.
:Spike: That's because you raised me. Now I finally have a chance to see how I'm supposed to be.
:Twilight Sparkle: I don't think you're supposed to be any different than who you are.
:Spike: Maybe you just don't like that I have a real parent now.
:[cracking]
:Twilight Sparkle: That's not true! I'm glad Sludge is here. I-I just wish he wasn't such a—
:Spike: Dragon? Of all ponies, I can't believe you would have a problem with that.
:Twilight Sparkle: [sighs]
:[splashing]
:[bushes rustling]
:Smolder: What happened to you?
:Spike: Just sleeping outside like we're meant to. It's not like dragons are supposed to live in castles.
:Smolder: I... guess not. But I live in the school. Nothing says we have to live outside.
:Spike: [sighs] I'm so confused. It's been great having Sludge show me how to be a real dragon, but Twilight just doesn't get it.
:Smolder: What do you mean?
:Spike: She can't handle how good at being a dragon Sludge is. Maybe someday, I'll be able to lay around doing nothing as well as he does.
:Smolder: What?
:Spike: Well, not now, of course. I'm too busy bringing him pony stuff so he can show me what a dragon would do with it.
:Smolder: So, Sludge just lays around while you wait on him claw and tail? Uh, dragons are rude and rebellious, but they aren't lazy lumps who take advantage of their kids.
:Spike: Huh. Now I'm really confused.
:Smolder: Me, too. Why don't you tell me everything Sludge said about being a dragon?
:[door opens]
:Sludge: [chewing noisily] Hey! What's going on, son?
:Spike: Twilight doesn't like having real dragons in the castle, so I told her we're moving out.
:Sludge: [coughs] You what?!
:Smolder: Spike! I found the perfect cave where you two can live! There aren't even any comfortable rocks inside!
:Spike: That does sound perfect!
:Sludge: No, it doesn't! I-I-I mean, uh, I'm not sure I fully demonstrated all the ways a dragon would live here.
:Spike: But we're not gonna live here anymore, so it doesn't matter.
:Sludge: It matters to me! [stammers] I want to make sure you have all the knowledge you need.
:Spike: But I do. Dad, you've already shared so much.
::[singing] This bed is much too soft
::Just take that silk robe off
::We can't be dragons living here
:Sludge and Spike: [straining]
:Sludge: Stop! I'm not your father!
:Spike: What?
:Sludge: I just said that to get in on this sweet castle life.
:Spike: So... you... pretended to be my dad?
:Sludge: Now-now-now-now-now, don't look at me like that, kid. I did what any dragon would do.
:Smolder: No. You didn't.
:Sludge: Hey. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. That's what dragons do.
:Smolder: No. It isn't.
:Sludge: You know what? I don't need this. I'm out of here! Enjoy lovin' pony town!
:Spike: [sighs]
:Sludge: I'm taking this pillow.
:Spike: I can't believe I thought somepony like that could show me how to be anything.
:Smolder: Uh... it must be hard growing up not really knowing who you are.
:Spike: That's the thing. I know exactly who I am. And how I got that way.
:[door opens]
:Spike: Um, Twilight?
:Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Hi. Where's your father?
:Spike: He's gone. Turns out he wasn't what a real dragon should be after all. He also wasn't my real dad.
:Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Spike. I'm so sorry.
:Spike: I'm the one who's sorry. You were just worried about me, and I lost my temper. Sludge was just a great big phony.
:Twilight Sparkle: I have to say, I'm not surprised. There's no way a dragon like that was related to you. But if you still want to search for your real family, I'd understand if you spent more time in the Dragon Lands.
:Spike: I don't think so. I already know who my real family is.
:Twilight Sparkle: Aww! It's me, right?
:Spike: Mm-hmm! Besides, there's no way I'm living without pillows.
:[credits]