Miss Nurse, Jessebelle, and Derek's Pleas/Busted and Escape From the Bar

(After Cloud exits the bathroom, he, along with everyone else, saw Miss Nurse, Jessebelle, and Derek approach them)
Jessebelle: You darlin's got the wrong idea about us.
Derek: We're all pawns in this, just like Yakko, Wakko, and Dot.
Miss Nurse: Can you help us look for them? Just name the price, and we'll pay it.
Jessebelle and Derek: Please?
(Cloud's group then gave flat looks)
Valiant: Yeah, I bet you will. You've got to have the rabbit to make this scam work.
Jessica: No, no, no. I love my husband. You've got me all wrong. You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
Valiant: Yeah, well, you don't know how hard it is, being a man, looking at a woman looking the way you do.
Jessica: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
Valiant: Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake for old man Acme?
Jessica: You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.
Valiant: What are you talking about?
Jessica: Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those patty cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything.
Valiant: What a wife.
Jessica: I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant. Can't you see how much I need you?
[Valiant's trousers fall down.]
Dolores: Ahem! Dabbling in water colors, Eddie?
Valiant: Ha.
[Valiant rapidly tries to pull up his trousers and as he stands up his head comes up between Jessica's breasts.]
Valiant: Sorry. Ha.
Jessica: Goodbye, Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it.
[As Jessica leaves, she blows a kiss at Valiant which flutters across the room and smacks onto Valiant's cheek.]
Dolores: Well! [She pulls off the kiss.] Do you want to tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?
Valiant: Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife!
Dolores: Oh, come on, Eddie. I caught you with your pants down!
Valiant: Yeah, well, I didn't... [Dolores leaves.] Dolores, come...
[Valiant rushes after Dolores catching her outside.]
Valiant: Come on, Dolores. You don't believe a painted hussy like that could turn my head? She's just trying to get her hands on the rabbit.
Dolores: That's not all she's trying to get her hands on.
Valiant: Now look, Dolores, listen. Listen to me. I want you to go out. I want you to buy a new swimsuit cause you and me are going to Catalina. I'm on the verge of wrapping up this case.
Dolores: No you're not, Eddie. That's what I came to tell you. I stopped by probate. Maroon's not after Toontown like you thought. It's Cloverleaf that wants to get their hands on Toontown. They put in the highest bid. And unless Mr. Acme's will shows up by midnight tonight, Cloverleaf is going to own Toontown.
Valiant: What? At midnight tonight?
Dolores: That's right.
Valiant: First they buy the Red Car. Then they want to get their hands on Toontown. I don't get it.
Dolores: Sshhhh.
[In the background, Roger is heard singing.]
Valiant: Roger!
[As Valiant and Dolores rush off, a manhole in the road lifts up to reveal the weasels.]
Psycho: Hee hee!
Smart Ass: The rabbit! Get the Judge.
[Inside the bar, Roger is singing on the bar.]
Roger: '...Oh, Roger is my name, and laughter is my game! Come on, cowpoke, it's just a joke! Don't sit there on your brain!
[Inside the bar, Roger is putting on a show from atop the counter.]
Woo hoo hoo! Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo? Woo hoo! 'My buddy's Eddie V A sourpuss you'll see But when I'm done He'll need no gun Cause a joker he will be
C, D, E, F, G, H, I!
I-I-I-I love to raise some cain Believe me it's no strain It feels so great To smash a plate And look, there's no pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
[The record keeps repeating itself and so does Roger.]
No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.] No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
No-
[Valiant immediately knocks the needle from sewing and grabs Roger by the ears.]
Dolores: Help him!
[Takes the plate away from Roger and then accidentally smash a Loy the remaining plates onto the floor taking Roger to the rotgut room.]
Roger: Ooh! Hooh hooh.
[Valiant then throws him through the door of the rotgut room.]
Roger: AAAAAAARG!
[Roger lands head first in a bucket which gets stuck and Roger struggles to get it off.]
Roger: Hey, who turned out the lights? I can't see a thing! What's going on?
Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I've been out there risking my neck for you and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
[Roger finally kicks the bucket off and Valiant catches it.]
Roger: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
Valiant: Sit down!!! [Around the soap box.]
Roger: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
Valiant: Yeah. And when they're done laughing, they're gonna call the cops! That guy, Angelo, would rat on you for a nickel.
Roger: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Valiant: Why? 'Cause you made him laugh?
Roger: That's right. A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have. Laughter is the most important... [A red light starts to flash.]
Valiant: Ssshhh...
Dolores: [Pressing a switch beneath the bar.] Ix-nay. Ix-nay!
Doom: [enters the bar.] I'm looking for a murderer... A rabbit. [Most people suddenly leave the bar.] A toon rabbit about, yeay... [He pushes a dwarf down to his knees.] ...big.
Dolores: Look, there's no rabbit here, so don't harass my customers.
Doom: I didn't come here to harass. I came here to reward.
[He walks up to the one armed soldier and grabs his empty sleeve and rubs out the word FRENCH on the menu black board. He then starts to add his own word making the chalk screech and the people in the bar cringe. When he has finished, the board reads: 'RABBIT DIP $5000--']
Angelo: <Whistle> Hey! I've seen the rabbit.
Doom: Where?
Valiant: Ya see?
Roger: <Gulp> [Roger shrugs in horror and disbelief]
Doom: Where?
Angelo: He's right here in the bar. [He puts his arms around empty air.] Well, say hello... Harvey.
[Angelo laughs, then so do the rest of the patrons]
Roger: [Relieved] I told ya so.
[Doom makes a white-teeth slasher smile, and everyone in the bar stops. Doom suddenly hears the record player turning and walks over the broken crockery. He takes the record off and examines it.]
Doom: "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down." Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates.
[Everyone in the bar has a guilty silence. Doom sniffs the record.]
Doom: HE'S HERE!
[Doom throws the record like a frisbee and it lodges itself in Stupid's mouth.]
Weasels: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Doom: Stop that laughing! [smashing Smart Ass into a table] Have you forgotten what happened last time? If you don't stop this laughing, you're gonna end up dead, just like your idiot hyena cousins!
Smart Ass: Say, boss, you want we should "disresemble" the place?
Doom: No, sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me. [He taps on the bar with his walking stick all but the last two notes for "Shave and a Haircut".]
Valiant: Heh.
Doom: No toon can resist the old "Shave and a Haircut" trick.
[Doom repeats tapping all but last two notes of "Shave and a Haircut" several more times while walking to closer spots around the bar.]
Valiant: I don't know who's toonier. You or Doom...
[Valiant turns and sees Roger sitting on the desk going mad with the strain of not tapping out the response to Doom's tapping. However, his sleeve is caught and he is powerless to help.]
Valiant: Roger. Roger! Roger! Roger, no! Roger, don't! Don't!
Doom: [taps on the other side of the wall from Valiant and Roger] Shave and a haircut...
Roger: [Bursting through the wall.] Two bits! [Doom grabs him round the throat.] Hhhhmmmh!
Smart Ass: [Indicating Valiant.] Hey, Judge. What shall we do with the wall flower?
Doom: We'll see to him later. Right now, I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some dip!...
Roger: Gaaaaghhh!
Doom: Does the condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out?
Roger: Why, yeah. [Doom tightens his grasp] Hhhmmh!
Valiant: Dolores. A bourbon. And make it a double.
Dolores: Fine time for a drink, Eddie. Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it!
Valiant: Just pour the drink, Dolores. [Dolores pours the drink in the glass cup.] Hey, Judge! Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?
Roger: Yeah. Nose plugs would be nice!
Valiant: I think you want a drink. How about it, Judge?
Doom: Well, why not. I don't mind prolonging the execution.
Valiant: Happy trails.
Roger: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.
Valiant: Drink the drink!
Roger: But I don't want the drink!
Doom: He doesn't want the drink.
Valiant: He does!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You do!
Roger: I don't!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: I do!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: I do!
Valiant: You don't!
Roger: Listen, when I say I do it means I do. <Gulp> Aaaaaaggghh!
[Roger leaps into the air and emits the same ear-piercing whistling sound as before in Maroon's office, breaking French's mustard jars, cider vinegar bottles, distilled vinegar bottles, beer bottles, whiskey bottles, dishes, saucers, pickle jars, cups and glasses. Valiant fights the weasels, smashing all the tables and breaking bottles. As the drink's effect on Roger wears out, he nearly falls in the dip, but Valiant catches him.]
Valiant: Got you, kid!
[Valiant knocks over the barrel of dip to slow down Doom.]
Roger: Come on, Eddie! Let's get outta here! Move it, pops! YIKES!! [Roger rushes out with Valiant following.]
Roger: Yeah! That was quick thinking, Eddie! Nothin' like using the ol' spine flower, the wise noodle, the smart puddin'!
Valiant: Roger! Let's use this! [He grabs Roger and throws him in the Toon Patrol van.]
Roger: Yaaaaggh! Let's get outta here! What are you waiting for?
Valiant: There's no damn key!
[From the back comes a voice.]
Benny (O.S.): Hey, you weasels! Let me outta here will ya? Come on. I've gotta make a living!
Roger: [Opening the hatch and looking back.] Benny! Is that you?
Benny (O.S.): No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt. Come on, Roger. Get me outta here!
[Roger squeezes through the hatch and the love letter to Jessica falls into Valiant's lap. He puts it in his pocket.]
Roger: Eddie! We got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!
[Valiant opens the van doors and a toon taxi cab named Benny leaps out.]
Benny: Ah! That's better! I can't believe they locked me up for driving on a sidewalk!
Roger: Come on, Eddie! Get in!
Benny: It was just a coupl'a miles!
Valiant: I'll drive.
Roger: But I wanna drive.
Benny: No! I'll drive! I'm the cab! [Nearly running a man over.] Outta my way, pencil neck! And, how about this weather, huh? It never rains!
Smart Ass: [Rushing out with the rest of the weasels.] They sprung the cab! Let's go!
Benny: And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers! Aren't they bums or what?
Smart Ass: Move over. I'm driving.
Roger: [Looking back.] Benny. Eddie. We've got company!
Benny: Will you look at these two? Excuse me, ladies! [Squeezes between two cars.]
Roger: Yaaaaaaaagghhh!
Benny: Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs!
Smart Ass: I'm gonna blow his head off!
[Smart Ass shoots out of the window but misses. A tram pulls out in front of Benny.]
Roger: Benny! Look out for the Red CAAAAAR!
[Roger's eyes pop out in horror while Benny does a 180. The weasels follow Benny's turn, heads knocking together.]
Roger: Eddie! There's cops right behind us!
Benny: Not for long, Roger. [Reverses down alley way.] Now they're right in front of us!
Roger: Eddie! We're going backwards! Turn us around! Give me the wheel! Give me the wheel! [Benny spins around.] The cops are still on our tail!
Valiant: I know the cops are still on our tail. What do you think I am, bli--? Benny!!
[In front of them, they see the weasels driving straight for them.]
Benny: Pull the lever!
Valiant: Which one?
Roger: Which one?
Benny: "Which one?!"
[A sign appears on the dashboard with an arrow and the words reading "THIS ONE, STUPID!"]
Smart Ass: I'm gonna ram 'em.
[Just before the weasels hit them, Benny suddenly raises up on his wheels and drives over the van.]
Benny: I'm getting to old for this!
[The weasels collide with the cops and send them flying.]
Roger: Jumping Jeepers!
Benny: Hey, Roger. What do you call in the middle of a song?
Roger: Gee, I don't know-- A BRIDGE!!!
[Benny nearly hits a bridge but leaps over the side wall to land on the road, nearly hitting a woman and her baby carriage with Baby Herman, smashing through the railings in the middle.]
Benny: Well, fellas. Where can I drop ya?
Roger: Somewhere we can hide.
Benny: I got just the place. And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride, just stick out your thumb! Hey, ladies! Share the road, will ya!
Category:Fan Fiction
Category:Who Framed Roger Rabbit Fanmakes
Category:Who Framed Roger Rabbit Parodies