Episode 510: Jean-Pierre Rampal/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 510: Jean-Pierre Rampal.
==Cold open==
 	Pops files his nails. Jean-Pierre enters.
Pops 	Huh? Hey, who are you?
Jean-Pierre	I'm Jean-Pierre Rampal. The guest star of the show.
Pops 	Oh, yeah. Jean-Pierre Rampal, the musician fella. Yeah, well we've got your instruments right here.
Jean-Pierre	Here? But I don't play the fruit, I play the flute.
 	
Pops 	Well, fruit, flute, what's the difference? Hit it, boys!
Fruit 	(harmonizing) Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal! YAAAYYY!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo plays a few notes of "Great Day" on his trumpet.
Gonzo 	Eat your heart out, Gillespie.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and WELCOME again to The Muppet Show, voted the best show in the world out of all the shows hosted by frogs. And tonight, our very special guest star is the internationally acclaimed French flautist — which means he plays the flute — Jean-Pierre Rampal. (audience aahs) Yes! But first, a song that asks the musical question, "why are those people sitting in a tree, hmm?"
 	
 	Janice and The Electric Mayhem sing "Rockin' Robin," perched on tree branches. The Robin and some birds are joined by Dr. Teeth on the tambourine, Lips on the trumpet, and Animal, Zoot, and Floyd.
Waldorf	Well, that's something new. They've never gone up a tree before.
Statler	No, they usually just go out on a limb.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Mayhem and the birds pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, great opening number. Great number, guys.
Miss Piggy	Kermit? Kermit, Kermit, Kermit... This is the last straw. I will not go on with Beauregard.
Kermit 	What's wrong, Miss Piggy?
 	
Miss Piggy	The idea that an artiste of my stature would sing with a mouth organ-playing stagehand? It is the coup de grace.
Kermit 	Beg pardon?
Miss Piggy	Coup de grace? It is French. (sigh) Sometimes it is weary being the only person around here with culture and refinement. N'est-ce pas?
Kermit 	Well, uh, actually Miss Piggy, as you requested, we have a flautist.
Miss Piggy	Oh, well — is he any good?
Kermit 	He's the best.
Miss Piggy	Well, alright, I'll do it.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Miss Piggy	Get the flute player out there.
=="Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Um, ladies and gentlemen, there have been many adjectives used to describe our special guest. "Brilliant", "imaginative", "classic", to name a few. But tonight he is about to earn yet another adjective: "foolhardy". As he attempts a duet with our own Miss Piggy. Ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal, yaaaay!
 	Rowlf sits at the piano. Jean-Pierre emerges with his flute. He and Piggy bow to each other, then to the crowd.
Miss Piggy 	(to Rowlf) Do it.
 	Rowlf starts playing. Piggy repeatedly misreads her cue while Jean-Pierre plays.
Miss Piggy 	Now?
Jean-Pierre 	Yes.
 	
 	She sings "Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark". A brief pause.
Miss Piggy 	You know, I usually sing alone.
Jean-Pierre 	You know, I usually play alone.
Miss Piggy 	Ahem.
 	She continues singing. Jean's playing seems to upstage her.
Miss Piggy 	Aw, knock it off. (cont'd) … I got it now.
 	The rest of the song takes on an almost competitive tone, but it ends in grace as Jean-Pierre kisses Piggy's hand.
Waldorf 	Oh, I think one more chorus would have killed the pig.
Statler & Waldorf	Encore! Encore!
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer 	And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
 	Open on Link playing with the stamps again.
Fozzie 	All right, c'mon!
Link Hogthrob	Oh, what now, Patrol Bear?
 	Fozzie drags in a car with no driver.
Fozzie 	C'mon, you. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, all right now, halt. Sir, sir, I caught this guy double-parking.
Link Hogthrob	Oh yeah? What's his name?
Fozzie 	Well, he doesn't have a name.
Link Hogthrob	Why not?
Fozzie 	Well, he can't talk. He's a car.
 	Link writes it down on a notepad.
Link Hogthrob	Well, what's his license number then?
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, yes! It's uh, it's "ZZXKL". Yes.
Link Hogthrob	Okay. Listen, "zixkel" — how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
 	The car honks three times.
Fozzie 	Not guilty. All right then, where's your driver?
 	The car honks two times.
Link Hogthrob	Don't know, huh?
Fozzie 	I thought he said "at home".
Link Hogthrob	Did you say "at home" or "don't know"?
 	The car honks several times.
Fozzie 	He said, uh, "let me out of this place, I want to call my lawyer."
Link Hogthrob	Hmm. that's funny. I thought he said, "please don't send me to jail, I've got a wife and mopeds."
Fozzie 	Sir, what — what are we going to do?
Link Hogthrob	We need a police interpreter.
 	He rings a bell. WHOOSH! In comes Gonzo.
Gonzo 	You called, lieutenant?
Fozzie 	Oh, yes, yes! Oh, police interpreter, sir! We're having trouble interrogating this … guy.
Gonzo 	Ah. Did you ask the questions in English?
Fozzie 	Yes.
Gonzo 	That could be your problem. You see, you have to speak to them in their native tong.
Link Hogthrob	You mean "tongue."
 	Gonzo whips out a pair of tongs.
Gonzo 	No — tong.
 	
 	Gonzo grips Fozzie's nose with the tongs. Fozzie starts yelping. The car honks a message.
Gonzo 	He's — he's three years old. He's imported.
Fozzie 	Oh please — please …
 	The car honks a message.
Gonzo 	He doesn't know where his driver is, but he likes an occasional sip of motor oil.
Fozzie 	Don't do this! Wha-hah …
 	The car honks a message.
Gonzo 	It's not his fault he was double-parked.
Fozzie 	Wha-hah, wait, please — this, this is not fun! Please!
Link Hogthrob	Stop complaining, Patrol Bear. We all have to do our part.
Fozzie 	Please … please, please, I'm begging! Please!
 	Gonzo continues to grip Fozzie by the nose. The closing music plays.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Oh, Piggy? Jean-Pierre wanted to talk to you.
Miss Piggy 	Jean-Pierre? Oh oh, yes, the flute player. Mm-hm. He's sweet.
Kermit 	Uh yeah, you know, I told him that you and he could talk French together.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, uh, why?
Kermit 	Well, he is French and I thought it would be nice for you to chat with someone of culture and refinement.
Miss Piggy 	Um, ha-ha. Yes, well I, um, just remembered, I have laryngitis. Uh, my vocal coach told me not to speak French. Um, I'm not even supposed to each french fries. Oh, excuse moi... excuse me.
 	
Jean-Pierre	Oh, Miss Piggy. I've been a great fan of yours for years.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, well thank you.
Jean-Pierre	[speaks French]
Miss Piggy 	Um, ha-ha, thank you.
Kermit 	What did he say?
Miss Piggy 	Well, uh... I'm not exactly sure.
Jean-Pierre	You told me that you speak French.
Kermit 	Yes, all the time.
Miss Piggy 	Well, um, I can speak French. I just can't hear it.
Kermit 	Oh? Sort of laryngitis of the ear.
Miss Piggy 	Cool it, green-o. Um, so nice to chat with you, Jean-Pierre. Uh, I must go rest after my performance. I'm certain you understand. Hasta la vista!
Jean-Pierre	Au revoir.
Kermit 	She's very temperamental.
Jean-Pierre	She's a great artist.
Kermit 	Oh?
Jean-Pierre	Uh, what is English phrase? Yes, ah yes, she's a con-artist.
Kermit 	Mm. You can say that again.
Jean-Pierre	Yes, a con-artist.
Kermit 	He did.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	The operating room is dark and deserted, except for Marvin Suggs, who lies on the operating table. A rhythm begins with his heartbeat, followed by the heart monitor. Marvin breathes, and soon some maracas and a bass line are added to the beat. As the other medical equipment starts moving to the rhythm, so does Marvin. Rowlf comes in with the maracas, leading Nurse Janice and Nurse Piggy in a conga line.
Rowlf 	(scatting)
Janice 	(scatting)
 	
 	Marvin gets off the table and takes the front of the conga line with his drumsticks, as the music reaches its peak.
Rowlf & Janice	(scatting) … conga! (scatting) … conga! La la la la, conga!
Janice 	Fer sure, this is a conga!
All 	
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
 	Some bandaged Muppets join the line.
All 	
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
La la la la, conga! La la la la, conga!
 	Marvin strikes poses for the audience as they applaud.
==UK Spot==
 	
 	Open on a French sidewalk cafe. An accordionist plays "La Seine", a penguin acts as a waiter, and Jacques and his girlfriend make out vigorously to the music.
Girlfriend	Oh, Jacques. This little place, she's so beautiful. So Parisian. So — how you say — French.
Jacques 	But my darling, we do not need all of zis French rubbish when we have each other. (kisses her neck)
Girlfriend	Oh, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques, Jacques...
Jacques 	That is my name, do not wear it out. Ha ha.
 	The accordionist passes by them, playing.
Girlfriend	François, play something romantique.
François 	What do you think this is, chopped liver?
 	He passes by other Muppets dancing and humming to his music.
François 	Everybody dances, even the French poodle.
Jacques 	Zat is zee worst accordion playing I have ever 'eard.
François 	Oh yeah? That's the worst French accent I've ever heard, too.
 	The Muppets dance as he continues playing.
François 	… alligator just went by there …
Jacques 	My darling, please do not run away from me … oh mais qui … I know it is but it is a little too fast, n'est pas?
Voice 	Keep it down there! I'm trying to sleep!
 	Jacques strikes the accordionist with a bottle as he finishes.
==Dressing room==
 	The robin listens to Jean-Pierre as he plays.
Robin (KP) 	Gee, if you're rehearsing in here, I was hoping you'd just let me sit and listen. Birds love flute music.
Jean-Pierre	Well, I can understand that. You know, flautists love birds, too.
Robin (KP) 	Oh, really?
Jean-Pierre	Yes.
 	
 	He proceeds to play "The Little Shepherd" as the room is slowly filled with other birds.
==Muppet Labs==
 	Bunsen fiddles with a nail and wooden block, then notices he's on camera.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And today we have something to speed up those time consuming repairs. Yes, you've guessed it already: the electric sledgehammer. Simple in concept, yes. But, is it fool proof? Well, that's where my assistant Beaker comes in.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Very good Beaker, right on cue. Now, when I plug the machine in, you press the start button, and we'll drive this stubborn old nail to kingdom come.
Beaker 	(affirmative meep)
 	Bunsen plugs the machine in and it starts whirring.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Go.
 	Beaker pushes the button. The hammer falls slowly on the nail and fails to drive it into the block.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh dear.
 	
 	The hammer moves in the opposite direction, hitting Beaker over the head repeatedly.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(sarcastic) Oh, thank you Beaker. Now you've broken it.
 	WHAM! The hammer swings over to the other side, slamming Bunsen's finger against the nail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	No, he hasn't. (nurses his finger)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Muppet Labs has announced the escape of their new electric sledgehammer, which is believed to be roaming the city on a very long extension cord. There is no need to panic, however, since the hammer only attacks really wimpy nerds.
 	
 	He is attacked by the hammer.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, the Pied Piper number's next. Pied Piper next.
Newsman	Argh. There's too much violence on newscasts. (Kermit nods)
Scooter	Hey, Kermit. You know the story of the Pied Piper?
Kermit 	Of course.
Scooter	Yeah, well, the rats don't like it.
Kermit 	Who cares?
 	
Scooter	Well, they filed an official protest. (holds up a paper)
Kermit 	Rats? How official could it be?
Scooter	Well, listen to this. (reads) "We feel the Pied Piper shows rats in a bad light."
Kermit 	Well, what's wrong with that? If it was a good light, you could see their pointy little noses and their long, icky tails. (chuckles)
Scooter	Kermit, they're serious.
Kermit 	Oh, well, uh, do they refuse to do the number?
Scooter	No, but—
Kermit 	Then, there's no point in discussing it.
Scooter	But—
Kermit 	The closing number's the Pied Piper! (runs onstage)
Scooter	But they have changed the story a little.
==The Pied Piper==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, please welcome our very special guest star, Jean-Pierre Rampal, making his acting debut in the fairy tale classic, The Pied Piper of Hamlin.
 	Open on a village with houses inhabited by rats, who watch as ravenous children chew away at the woodwork.
Rat (LG) 	Oh, burgermouster. Burgermouster, whatever shall we do? Our little village is being overrun by these ravenous hordes of children.
Rizzo 	Oh, no!
Rat (LG) 	Ja. They are eating us out of house und home.
Rizzo 	We'll have to hire somebody to get rid of them.
 	Jean-Pierre, the piper, appears in a puff of smoke.
Jean-Pierre	Cross my palm with silver, and I will rid the village of the nuisance.
Rizzo 	It's a deal, I'll cross your palm with silver.
Rat (LG) 	Vhat? He vants The Lone Ranger's horse to run over his hands?
 	
Jean-Pierre	It's just a figure of speech.
Rizzo 	You'll get your money when you get rid of these pests.
 	Jean-Pierre starts playing "Ease on Down the Road". The children stop eating the houses and follow him, singing. Rizzo and the rats join in. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, it looks like we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jean-Pierre Rampal! Yay!
 	
Jean-Pierre	Thank you, Kermit. It was a pleasure. I love working with everybody, especially, Miss Mademoiselle Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank you Jean.
Jean-Pierre	I hope your voice gets better so we can have a long conversation together in French.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, well, um, why don't you write me a letter?
Jean-Pierre	I will send you a billet-doux.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, well, nice. Do you know my size?
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy 	What's so funny?
 	The credits roll.
Waldorf 	Jean-Pierre has recorded an album of Frank Sinatra's hits on the flute.
Statler 	What's it called?
Waldorf 	"I Did It Sideways".
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts