Home Sweet Hell/Transcript

Come on, it's my turn.
- It's my turn.
- I don't care, you've had it forever.
You're not playing fair!
Don't be a sore loser.
If you cannot argue constructively,
what will Mother do?
Destroy our video games.
Andrew...?
And the gaming system.
Burn it while we watch.
That's right. Don't forget
what happened to your Legos.
Well, you get me somebody
that's authorized to say yes...
...or I'm gonna find
another finance company.
And that's the truth.
I got a three thousand dollar order.
The numbers look good.
He's already pre-approved,
plus we got everything in stock.
Great.
Hello.
- Hello?
- Come in.
Can I help you?
I'm here about the job posting
on Craigslist.
- Wonderful.
- "Energetic people person...
...who is a well-oiled selling machine...
...that wants to better civilization
through the fine furniture of the world."
I didn't write it. But it is good.
- Don Champagne.
- Dusty.
Hi, Dusty. Welcome to
Champagne Furniture and Rugs.
Thank you.
Would you like to sit down?
- I would love to.
- Great.
So, what kind of jobs do you give? Had.
Yeah, baby! She's the one, boss.
Well, you know...
- I'll review all the applications tonight.
- We need this.
We don't need this.
Come on.
You know my wife has Crohn's.
She cries all day.
And violent bowel movements. It's horrific.
Oh, I'm sorry. But what's your point?
Point? Eye candy!
We need something to look at
during the day.
Something to take our minds
off that suffering.
- You should know better than anybody.
- All right.
Look at that.
All right, well... Okay.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Did you find someone?
Maybe.
What's his name?
Dusty.
Not another Mexican, is it?
You know what Daddy says,
"Hire a Jew."
All they do is make money.
Yes. I know...
No. It's not a Mexican.
Speaking of my parents,
they're gonna swing by here...
...on their roadtrip
for Andrew's birthday party.
So...
You're gonna need to work on the lawn.
What's wrong with the lawn?
Oh, Daddy wouldn't approve
of those hedges.
Well, it's not his lawn.
Well...
He did help pay for the house, Don, so I
guess that makes it partially his lawn.
Does he partially own the kids...
...because he pitches in
for their private school?
He just wants what's best for them.
And I don't?
Of course you do.
You're gonna dress like that
and we're gonna review your goals?
Our goals.
Now...
We need this retreat in Florida.
A second store in Shady Springs.
And we need to move to
the Wildwood Collection by next Summer.
We're gonna achieve our goals, Don...
...because we have standards
and strategy.
Now, focus!
It's hard to stay focused
when I've got this healthy erection.
We will have sex on the 9th...
...as scheduled.
Until then you can take care of yourself.
What if I just slide it
between your butt cheeks?
No penetration.
We will have sex on the 9th,
as scheduled.
And you need to work out.
You looked a little bloated
in the last commercial.
- Love you.
- More than the moon and the stars?
More than the moon and the stars.
One, two. One, two, One...
What?
Already? That's impressive.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone...
They don't need to finance
and they asked for rush delivery.
So, what do they want?
Just a chocolate La-Z-Boy recliner.
Hey, hey, hey! A sale is a sale.
Better to be lucky than good.
That's a great saying.
There's no luck needed, though.
I was watching you out there.
You're a natural.
Don't pop this inside.
I like it when you watch me.
You do...?
Who am I speaking with?
Dagmarro? That's a nice name.
What is that, Canadian?
This is Don Champagne
of Champagne Furniture and Rugs.
We've got a little bit of a problem here.
I ordered
an espresso Modernica in a pull-out...
...and you sent it to me in a sectional.
...Scrooge had no further dealings
with ghosts...
...but it was always said
he knew how to keep Christmas well...
...if any man alive
possessed the knowledge...
Jump in the shower
and clean yourself up.
"So as Tiny Tim observed...
'God bless us, everyone.'"
Collector of the finer things in life?
Exclusive art? Italian leather?
I'll leave your cut on the bed.
Handwoven rugs?
Maybe even a rare floor lamp?
Well, look no further
than Champagne Furniture and Rugs...
...where we carry the coolest,
sleekest furniture...
...for your home, office, or yacht.
Come on down and let our family...
...here at
Champagne Furniture and Rugs...
...fill your furnishing desires.
I'm Don Champagne, tastemaker.
And the pleasure is all mine.
How are the French lessons?
They are... kind?
And how about you, Allison?
What have you learned?
It's a... beautiful, difficult,
and interesting language.
But with adequate time and study...
I will easily become accomplished.
I have no doubt, darling.
Just make sure
you work with your brother.
Oh, and make sure your clothes
are ironed before school tomorrow.
You must look better than everyone else,
always. No exceptions.
Perception is key.
Perception is everything.
Can I go play X-Box now?
"May" we, not "can" we. And yes.
Andrew?
Thank you, Ally.
Good job, buddy.
Don...
Honey, how was your day?
Same old, same old.
Did the new hire make a sale?
Actually, she did.
Her name is Dusty?
- How old is she?
- I don't know.
She's a single mother.
Just moved here.
Has some...
Some very good references.
We're trying to run a business, Don.
Not a day care.
I'm sure she has a babysitter.
At least she's not Mexican.
Wow, look at them big old titties.
Yeah.
I bet she keeps it trim for daddy,
doesn't she.
This place...
So we're gonna get rid of all this.
I'm gonna just give it away.
- Well, don't give it away.
- Give it away!
Hi. Les. How are you?
You have beautiful eyes.
You know, this leather is real Italian...
Same color as your eyes. Look at that.
Very comfortable. Very beautiful...
I see you guys eyeing this bad boy.
Let's take it for a ride.
That is a bad boy. All three of them.
- She's gonna take care of you.
- Okay.
How you doing? I'm Don. I'm the owner.
Let me know if you need any help.
Hi. Welcome.
Champagne Furniture and Rugs.
How are you? Pleasure's all mine.
- Hey, guys. Okay. Put that in the back.
- In the back?
- By the black, round coffee table.
- You got it.
Looking good, looking good.
She must have a little harlot in her
in a dress like that, huh?
You're just saying that
because she's pretty.
You think she's pretty?
I think she's what I need on the floor.
Of the showroom. Selling furniture.
Would you like to meet her?
No,
No, I want to keep some boundaries
between the power and the help.
- Good decision.
- Yeah.
- Back on the floor I go.
- All right.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Impressive day.
Red Tag Sales always are.
I think you're doing a great job.
Daddy does too.
You know how I love his approval.
You've come such a long way
from being a used car salesman.
Thank you.
I guess.
Want a hand job?
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
I accept your offer.
No, Don, not here.
At home.
I've already put it on the schedule.
Why not here? Mona, we're married.
We are supposed to be a little kinky.
We're supposed to have sex
more than six times a year!
Well, if you wouldn't pressure me...
I am a man, Mona! I have needs!
You obviously do not!
I was trying to be sweet.
Don't come home.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah...
I heard your little fight last night.
Dusty?
What are you...?
You deserve better.
- I do?
- It's not fair.
No, it's not.
Thank you for taking a chance on me.
Oh, okay.
No. No, no, no...
Okay. No, no, no... Oh, no!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no...
I just touched myself in the bathroom
until I came...
...just thinking about your big, bulging...
- Sorry for the interruption.
- Not at all.
Cock.
- Donny.
- Yeah?
- How about putting some tunes on?
- Sure.
God.
- She's cute...
- Stop. I need you to work.
Donny?
What?
No, no, no. Dusty, we can't do this.
- Why? Everyone's at lunch.
- No, because this is wrong.
- I want this, and you need this.
- No, but I'm a...
I have a wife and kids,
and this is a family furniture store.
Come on, Donny. Don't make me beg.
I can't, I can't, I can't...
You only live once, Donny.
What are you...?
Oh, don't stop.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Pop that champagne inside of me!
- Okay.
- Oh, pop it! Pop it!
Here comes the champagne! Yes!
Give it to me, baby!
Don't over season.
I won't.
And stick to 1/3 pound burgers.
I hate when the meat gets too thick.
I know.
Did you invite Dusty to the party?
She said that she was busy.
Well, she's a liar.
So you're...
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- Let me... Yeah, yeah.
- You're so sweet.
Thank you.
We finally meet after all this time.
Hi. I have heard so much about you.
Yeah, I said a lot.
I don't usually mingle with
the employees...
...but you are the employee of the month
so that deserves some celebration, no?
Where's your kid?
Oh, babysitter.
Oh. That's a shame. We love children,
Yes...
I'm glad that you could come.
Today. Here. At our house.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, God...
Crohn's.
Hey.
You sexy thing...
What are you doing here, Dusty?
You cannot be here.
What's the big deal? We work together.
The big deal...?
Mona senses everything.
She's very perceptive. It's fucking eerie.
Oh, no. She's doesn't know a thing.
Listen, just go.
Make up something and leave.
- I want to ask you something first, okay?
- Okay, go.
- Do you care for me?
- Yeah. What? What?
Do you care for me?
More than the moon and the stars.
- That's really good to know.
- Great. Now can you go?
You've gotta leave now.
This is my family time. My family is here.
Don, I'm pregnant.
- I don't have time for this.
- Three tests.
But how long have we been...?
When you... No. You're not on the pill?
How can you not be on the pill?
What happened to "Pop that champagne
inside of me, Don"?
I wasn't supposed to be able to.
There were
only a couple days a month.
It's okay.
Okay. So, what are we gonna do?
We gonna be adults about this?
We're gonna...
- I wanna have it.
- You wanna have it.
- What do you mean, you wanna have it?
- I promise I won't tell anyone.
Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
If Mona finds out, she'll take everything.
The kids, the store, everything.
She may even kill you.
Hey.
Why don't you try to pay Dusty off?
You know? Give her some money.
Well, she seems like the kind of girl
into that sort of thing.
What do you mean?
- Well, she's, you know, loose.
- What did you say?
Well, she's doing you
all over the furniture store.
Maybe she's got the mind
to take some money.
No. No. How much?
Flatter her.
Seven grand.
Where? I don't have seven grand.
I got seven grand. I saved up.
I mean, it's in CDs and other
financial instruments...
...but it would be a loan.
That's very generous of you.
Doesn't seem like much of a payoff.
It's a lot of money, seven grand,
in America today.
I'm not saying it's not a lot of money.
I'm just thinking...
...if you were to bribe someone,
I don't know if seven grand is the right...
Well, how much you got?
I got six grand.
That's thirteen grand. She'll take that.
Come on, who wouldn't take that?
SEX WITH DON!!! 9:30PM - 9:45PM
WEAR THE NEW LACE PANTIES
I can tell you've been working out.
What are you doing?
Fondling you.
Please don't.
If I ask a simple question
Do you promise to be true?
I'm really not in the mood.
Swear to me you'll listen
As I whisper this to you
How much do you love me?
How much do you care?
- Spare me no details, my sweet
- Spare me no details, my sweet
- My little cuddle-bear
- My little cuddle-bear
More than the moon
And the stars up above
I... You know, I can't, really.
I just... I don't really feel great.
Love you.
Hello?
You're so pretty.
You scared me.
I can fucking taste him on you.
In the fucking bedroom!
- Do you wanna sit down or...?
- That's okay.
Look, I just wanted to let you know...
...that I found a specialist out of town.
A specialist?
I have a small uterus.
So I guess
you're still going through with it.
Listen...
You have a family. I get that.
I don't wanna break that up.
Well...
Here is $13,000.
- Considering I've only known you...
- I am not a whore.
- I didn't say that.
- You didn't have to.
No, Dusty, I...
Please, just take it. It's all I've got.
I don't have any more.
I don't have insurance, Don!
My appointment just for yesterday
was 900 dollars!
Oh, my God.
That's an expensive specialist.
Are you sure
that you wanna go through with this?
- Don't ask me that again.
- You can still keep the money.
What would your wife think, Don?
Don't say that. Please don't say that.
I don't know what else to do.
You should have thought of that
before you pumped me full of semen!
This is Dusty. Leave a message
at the beep and I'll get back to you.
Dusty? Hi. It's Don.
I'm sorry that I offended you.
Do you think that Les and Abby
have forged A.J.'s birth certificate?
His birth certificate?
A.J.! You don't need to play
quite so rough, okay?
Mona, Mona, Mona.
It's demeaning, that's all.
What if it stunts his emotional growth?
You're just being paranoid.
Well, paranoia is just total awareness.
Don, have you ever considered
that maybe she's making this up?
Well, either way I've gotta pay her.
There's no way around that.
- That's not true.
- She'll tell Mona.
I have to pay her.
That is the blackmail. That is...
That is my dilemma.
Then you have to tell Mona first.
That's a terrible idea.
Listen, Donny, say you pay her, all right?
And Dusty wants more.
So she shows up at your house
and rings your doorbell...
...and in front of your whole family
tells Mona you guys have been screwing.
Or this: What if the kid is real...
...and it shows up 10 years from now
and exclaims:
"You're my daddy!
You used to throttle my mommy.
Give me money."
Throttle?
I don't know, Don.
You should own up...
...or be bitch-slapped by a slut
in front of your kids.
Are you happy?
Very happy. You?
Yeah. Totally. Do you love me?
Of course.
I love you too.
- What's wrong?
- I really messed up.
- What did you do?
- Well, I... I need you to forgive me.
If you can.
What did you do?
Is this about money?
No! Well...
Then what is it?
Well, it's not easy to... It's the
kind of thing that is difficult to...
- Tell me.
- Well, I feel like I...
Spit it out, Don!
I've been having an affair
at the store with Dusty, the salesgirl!
And she's pregnant.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I am really, really sorry.
Now, Mona, can we talk...?
Hello?
Mona. I shouldn't have...
Can we talk about this?
I mean,
I think we need to be constructive...
...and I know
what I've done is really stupid...
...and I know it hurts you a lot.
I can see that. I can see...
I love you so much.
- Is she aborting it?
- What?
Is she aborting it?
No.
Who else did you tell about this?
Nobody.
Don't lie to me.
I'm not. I swear to you, I'm not.
No one else knows,
and she won't abort it. Are you sure?
Yes, I am very sure.
Do you want a divorce?
No.
Never.
I...
I love you so much.
And I love our beautiful kids.
And our life.
Our goals?
Yes.
And you're committed
to achieving our goals?
Yes, I am.
I assume this is about money.
It's what all those greedy,
anti-nuclear-family types want.
Guess there's only one thing to do.
I will do whatever you want, honey...
...because I am so sorry,
and I love you so much.
I can do anything that you need me to
to keep this...
...marriage and set of goals alive.
You have to kill her.
You're joking, right?
Does it look like I'm fucking joking?
No.
Good.
- We can't just kill someone.
- We won't. You will.
I can't...
You have to. I will not have my husband
father a bastard!
I will not put my children through that!
I will not put myself through that.
What would our friends think?
What would the community think?
We'd be the laughingstock
of this entire city.
I can't just shoot someone like an animal.
I can't.
I can't. I can't, I'm sorry.
I should've taken it,
but the more I think about it...
...I don't think he has more.
Oh, he does.
Beautiful house, beautiful wife...
...nice car, private school.
He's got a lot more.
I believe him.
You believe him? Well, that's hilarious.
I feel like you guys got
some sort of special bond or something.
- You know, I used to have a special bond.
- I think it's his wife's money.
You think?
- Oh, babe.
- I didn't mean...
Listen, don't think ever.
Thinking had you sucking cops off
for crack, right?
He fucked you in every orifice...
...and I want more than 13 grand for that.
You understand me?
- Baby...
- What?
...you're really hurting me.
I just feel like we're disconnected.
Okay? I feel like you're not as focused
as you should be.
- I know what I'm doing.
- You said that last time, right?
And Uncle Murphy had to come along
and save your sweet life, didn't I?
Not this time, darling.
Not with that pretty boy.
Not with all the money
that I've had to put into...
Into your fancy clothes and your
make-up, so you could fit into this...
..."Champagne Society."
Hey. You don't take care of him...
I will. You get me?
I understand.
Hey! You get me?
I get you.
Do you fucking get me!
I don't want to hear "can't," Don!
"Can't" is not gonna work!
That's not gonna work!
This is your fault!
Now, get it done
and do what it takes to make it right!
After everything I've done!
Everything my parents have done!
All the money!
All the opportunities we've given you!
You would be nowhere!
Nowhere without me!
Nowhere without this family!
Do something, Don!
Be a man for once in your life!
And just take responsibility
for the things that you destroy!
What am I gonna tell my parents
about this?
What am I gonna tell my parents?
What do I do?
Just put it on speakerphone,
for God's sakes!
- Hello?
- Hey.
Dusty...?
I need that money.
But it has to be
more than 13,000.
Okay. How much?
Twenty-five.
- Twenty-five!
- Get 25, or my next call is to Mona.
Do you hear me?
Yes. I...
Twenty-five is fine.
I just want to make it right.
Okay, tomorrow night,
the furniture store, eight o'clock.
You were gonna let that whore
extort money from us?
I deserve better than this, Don.
- Your children deserve better than this.
- I know.
And what are you gonna do about it?
What are you gonna do about it?
That should be enough
to fell a small village.
Why so much?
Well, you never know about dosage.
Sometimes the weather...
...can make the body
absorb the drug differently.
I saw it on an episode of First 48.
You're so calm.
Why is this so easy for you?
Do not get weak, Don!
This tramp
is trying to tear apart our family.
- How dare you not try to fight for that.
- That's not what I meant.
This is about our legacy.
Are you sure there's no other way?
There is only ever my way.
Now,
I need to pick up the children...
...and drop them at the Buckleys'
for their sleepover.
Love you.
Come on in and have a seat.
- I'm not here to talk.
- Just go ahead. Sit down.
- Don't make this any more difficult...
- Just right here, please, sit!
Okay? I've got a lot of the anxiety.
I came through for you. I got your money.
Just give me a few minutes. That's all.
You don't look so good.
I'm being blackmailed.
How am I supposed to look?
- I didn't want it to come to this.
- I know. I hear you.
- Oh, God, I'm just so sick of all this...
- The money, Don.
Okay.
Pretty soon you'll forget I even existed.
I don't think so.
You know...
I'll never forget what we had,
and the way that you made me feel.
Then why would you act like that?
Why would you treat me like trash...
...like something
you just throw out on the street?
Because I'm a fucking coward!
Well, that's typical, I guess.
Come on, Don. Just give me the money...
...so I can get out of here
and forget this ever happened.
- Let's at least have a proper send-off.
- I'm not having sex with you.
That's not what I meant.
A toast.
That's what you want, one last toast?
What could we possibly drink to?
I don't know.
To...
To wives and sweethearts.
May they never meet.
That's appropriate.
What did you see in me?
I'm a married furniture salesman.
I really liked you, Don Champagne.
And I hope you find
all the happiness in the world.
Don't worry.
Good things happen to good people,
and you are a good person.
You'll be all right.
Now, come on. I need the money.
I'm so sorry.
About what? Which part, Don?
About all this.
All what?
I don't know how long this is taking.
Why are you being so weird, Don?
What is wrong with you?
I don't have it!
You don't have the money?
No, I honestly do not have the money.
I thought I did, and I don't.
I didn't even bring it.
I don't have any of the money.
Do you at least have the 13,000?
Please?
Do you hear that?
- Hear what?
- The ringing sound...
No...
You put something in my drink.
Put it in your drink?
Oh, fuck. I can barely see.
What did you do, Donny?
Nothing. I swear.
You drugged me.
Yeah, I did.
You drugged me!
I did. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I...
Give me the key, you fucking prick!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Oh, no!
No, Dusty. Mona made me do it!
Fuck Mona! Fuck you!
No, no! Oh, God! Oh, no.
I'm trying to get away from some...
- Wait, what? Get away?
- People...
What people? What people?
What about the baby...?
What? What?
More than the moon and the stars...
Mona made you do it?
Get her in the trunk.
I don't feel so good.
So, what do I do first?
No! She's alive! No!
Why isn't she dead?
Oh, boy.
What do we do?
Maybe we should just let her go.
- Really?
- No.
- No. Get a hammer.
- A hammer?
Yes. Get a hammer
so you can hit her in the head with it.
No! No! Why aren't you dead?
I thought there was enough
to fell a small village!
I guess not. Now get a hammer!
No. A hammer?
It's a hammer.
Oh, no, honey.
You have to do it, of course.
- What? I can't.
- Must I remind you who's at fault here?
Mona, I've already
attempted to murder someone for you!
No, honey. For us. For us.
And you failed.
So now you have to do it again,
and do it right this time.
Unless, of course...
...you're not truly committed
to what we have, and then...
What if I choke her?
Or drown her?
Give it to me. I'll do it.
- I'll bury her.
- No, no. I'll do it. Open the trunk.
Open the trunk!
Oh, my...!
Okay.
I'm gonna kill her, man.
Relax. Her phone probably just died.
Oh, no.
No, that's not like her.
No. Something's wrong.
What are you gonna do?
Find her and then kill her?
That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, oh, fuck me...
I think it's all these drugs, man. Fuck.
I think that's making me fucking paranoid.
Listen, remember, I'm the paranoid one.
Can't both be on edge...
...so just drink your beer and chill out.
Okay?
I can feel it in my bones, man.
Something ain't right.
She always comes back, Murphy.
No, it's the furniture store man.
That fucking white-bread piece of shit,
that furniture store man.
You're gonna need to pick up some more
trash bags from Costco tomorrow.
I'd write it down for you,
but I'm just covered in that girl.
Just distasteful.
FYI, I'm hiring the next employee.
Now, grab a shovel.
We need to fertilize the garden
with your hooker.
Who wasn't pregnant, by the way.
No! Wait, wait!
Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome, sir.
What the hell happened?
I got jumped.
Inside the store?
You know, it just came out of the blue,
out of nowhere.
I'm so sorry, boss.
Are you hurt bad?
I got a little scrape here,
and a busted up knee.
- Holy shit, Les!
- Don Champagne.
Oh. Hey, chief. Yeah, hi.
What's the matter?
You hurt your hand there?
Yeah. Little stockroom accident.
Yeah.
Well, your office is a
bit of a mess, but...
...it would appear the only items missing
are his watch and wallet.
I'd do a thorough check of the premises,
though.
If you find anything else missing,
give us a call.
Yep. Will do.
Thank you so much for coming down.
I appreciate it, you know,
for something so trivial.
Actually, Don, I came down here
about something else entirely.
You did? Okay, tell me, chief.
What have you got?
What do you know?
What do you need from me?
You got a girl named Dusty
still working here?
Yes. Yep.
- When's the last time you seen her?
- I...
- Last week.
- I think last week.
Yeah. Last week.
- Last week?
- Definitely last week.
Yeah.
- What kind of car does she drive?
- It's like, a big blue...
- A blue Suburban.
- That's it. Suburban.
Yeah, it's a piece of shit like mine.
- Yours isn't.
- It's a little old.
Well, we found it.
You did?
Somebody set it on fire.
- Someone set her car on fire?
- Was she in it?
No, sir. Thank goodness.
- Thank goodness.
- Not much left, but...
This photo managed to survive
of her and your man there.
The vehicle, however,
is burnt up just like I like my bacon.
Nice and crispy.
You know,
that car she was driving...
...is registered to another fella went
missing a while back outside of town.
We're still looking into that.
- That's so odd!
- That's odd, huh?
It is.
Wait, you don't think this has
anything to do with that, do you?
Oh, no, no, no.
You'll see, it's probably the work...
...of a couple winos
looking for booze and quick cash.
But when you've been doing this
as long as I have...
...well, you know, anything's possible.
- All right, then.
- We'll let you know if she comes back.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
What really happened to your hand?
You know...
I took your advice and I told Mona.
- And your hand was the only casualty?
- Well, she slammed it in a panini press.
- While you were making a panini?
- No, Les.
Well, what did Mona do?
Did she kick you out?
No.
We have goals, we have a family...
...and we're not gonna let
a little infidelity get in the way of that.
It's gonna take a little time to heal...
...but ultimately we'll be better partners
because of it.
- Mona said that?
- Absolutely. Every word.
Oh, my God.
She is an incredible specimen.
Yeah. She definitely is.
- Hey, what the hell happened to Dusty?
- I don't know. But I'm worried.
- What if she's dead?
- No, don't say that.
No, what if she's dead?
Les. Don't you say that.
Don't you dare say that, Les.
Poor Dusty.
All she wanted
was to get back up on her feet...
...and support her family.
She's so skinny and pretty.
Oh, poor girl. Poor Dusty.
Have you been drinking?
A little.
It's 10 in the morning, Les.
I'm not proud of it.
I told you
we should've dumped the car in the lake.
- That doesn't work.
- What do you mean, it doesn't work?
It would be
at the bottom of a lake right now.
You need to erase all evidence,
burning it is the best option.
I saw it on First 48.
Will you shut up about First 48!
No reason to get short with me,
Don Champagne...
Chief, hi. I'll call you back.
- Everything all right, Don?
- Oh, yeah.
Mona wants to record First 48
instead of Duck Dynasty.
And I won't stand for it anymore,
so I had to...
New number. New card.
See, it's raised a little. Isn't that nice?
Oh, that is gorgeous.
I was gonna get my picture made on it,
but he wanted an extra six dollars, so...
Thank you.
All right then.
Andrew!
- Andrew?
- What?
Oh, son. Are you okay?
I'm fine.
What did that man say?
He said to give you this.
Okay.
She did say she was trying
to get away from some people.
When did she say that?
Last night. Before she... We...
- What else did she say?
- Nothing.
It just seems like those two things
are connected, don't you think?
It would seem so.
They nearly crippled Les.
Now they're threatening us.
Les is fine.
I'm just a furniture salesman.
You are so much more
than just a furniture salesman, Don.
You are my husband.
You are the father of my children.
Mona, come on.
You need to pull yourself together.
I don't know how to fix this.
I know where Dusty lived.
- How?
- I followed her.
Right.
So these guys probably live there too.
We can't kill anyone else.
Hey, there's a private room.
- You must be Hot Carl.
- What?
You like big titties?
You know, yeah.
- Right?
- This way, buddy.
Well, well, well.
I'm Don Champagne.
Why don't you shake the hand
that's gonna shock the world.
What happened to your hand?
I actually... I dropped a couch on it.
Was it heavy?
It was heavy. Yeah.
So, Don, I'm sure that little slut
told you all about us, didn't she?
She told me enough.
- Did she tell you how big my dick was?
- We did not get into specifics about that.
It's big.
- Is that right?
- Yeah. It is big.
The pussy or the dick?
Does that bitch have my money?
Yes.
- Can I trust the furniture man?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Don, did you happen
to bring any police with you?
- No way.
- No way?
No way. I wanna take care of this today.
I wanna end this.
You're a smart guy, Don.
I've got a lot of faith in you.
Here you go. This one's on the house.
Those are drugs.
No shit, Don. It's meth.
That is gonna get you high.
Now, Don, you're gonna do this,
and then I'll trust you. You don't...
I have a genetic mitral valve prolapse.
I can't even drink coffee.
You're such a fucking pussy.
Okay.
Life is about risk, Don.
I can't, I don't, I don't...
Do you need me to?
How about you shut the fuck up
and do a line, Don.
Okay.
Okay. Line of meth.
- It's the crystal meth?
- Yeah. Crystal, like champagne.
I have always wondered what it was like.
One deep breath. Plug the other nostril.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Look at that!
That burns! That really burns.
That's because it's cut
with Tide and peyote, son!
Why?
Give it a couple minutes.
You're gonna be fucked.
Now, Don.
Don, I wanna know where my girl is.
She left town to Dallas.
Are you in love, Don?
I'm in love with my wife.
How's your wife feel...
...about you burying your beef
inside my girl?
She doesn't know
and she can never find out.
That's why I'm here.
Well, guess what? That's up to me.
- It is?
- Yeah.
What can I do? I'll do anything.
You just let me know.
Well, Don,
since that little skank left town...
...you're on the hook with my money.
You understand me? Yeah?
I feel like my heart's about to explode.
- You're okay.
- It's okay?
- It's probably... You're good.
- It'll pass? Okay.
I don't understand what he's saying.
Don, you can sell your car,
your life insurance...
- ...but I want it by tomorrow.
- But what?
- I want my 20,000, Don. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Or I'm gonna rape your wife
and make you watch.
- And then your daughter.
- And then your son.
And then you.
With that big cock of mine.
Wow, look at that champagne.
Pleasure's all mine.
- What are you doing outside?
- The windows are just filthy.
We need to leave.
- What did he say?
- Right now. We have to go.
Slow down. What did he say?
He said that we have to give him
20,000 dollars...
...or he's gonna rape us.
- He said he was going to rape us?
- Yeah, the whole family.
At the same time?
What is wrong with you?
They made me do crystal meth!
- The drug?
- Yeah.
I think it's the Tide.
- Up your nose?
- Yeah.
Well, did he ask about the girl?
I told her... I told him
that she ran off to Dallas.
- That's good, honey. That's very good.
- So, what should we do now?
Well, we're gonna have to dig her up,
of course.
And we'll have to drop the kids
at the Buckleys' for a sleepover.
You've gotta drive!
You're sure they are not here?
Yes. He called. I've gotta meet him
in about a half an hour at the office.
The office?
The strip club.
Why exactly did you bring a Zorro mask?
I've been up for 29 hours.
I am dressed for a covert operation.
I'm gonna blend in with the night.
- Stop it!
- What?
- I will do this.
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I want to do this.
- No, I want to do it more.
You've gotta let me, Mona.
That's not fair.
Listen to me. You cannot handle this.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm the strong one.
I have come to accept that.
That's not fair, Mona.
I think I've done really well
under the circumstances.
You can't even do a commercial
without overly sweating and mumbling!
Now, I love you. I'll be back in a flash.
God, this bitch is heavy!
Should've gone in. Should've gone!
"I'll do it! I can do it!
I'm gonna do it, Mona! I'm gonna do it!"
"No! You stay and I will go!"
"I will go!"
That's what you should have said.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
That's it.
Look alive, Champagne. Look alive.
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. No, Mona.
Get out of there, honey. Oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Back, are you back, are you back?
What? What? No, no, no!
Goddamn it, Mona,
why didn't you take your phone?
Come on.
Come here.
You ever been with a Scottish man?
I've got a surprise for you.
I can't get a little first?
Right back!
Dirty South Bitch!
- You got a video camera?
- What?
Hi.
Hi.
Wow, you smell fantastic.
Thank you. It's Chanel.
Are you my surprise?
Yes.
You taste like gummy bears.
Shit! I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.
- Who the hell are you?
- I love her.
- Who is this, Lynn?
- My surprise.
No, no, no. I was just getting
my gold-plated cock ring.
Hey, get off!
Hold on. I've seen you before.
Yeah, I have.
Get off!
You gotta go, you gotta go. Shit!
The furniture woman.
The furniture woman.
What are you doing in my house?
Answer me!
Oh, there you are.
Holy shit.
We need to go right now.
Yes, I'd like to report a disturbance.
Oh, fuck. What is it, man?
I'm banging Kelly.
I'm bleeding really bad, bro.
- What?
- All over my favorite kilt.
What the fuck are you talking about?
The furniture people...
Get off me, get off.
The wife...
That wife was not a very good person.
The furniture store lady?
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Freeman? What?
- I'm dying.
- You're dying? What the fuck's going on?
- Hurry home, bro.
Freeman! Fuck!
Oh, no.
Freeman?
Freeman!
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
- White picket fence motherfuckers.
- He say the furniture man did this?
- He said she did it.
- The wife?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
They stabbed British Lynn with a sword.
- What's wrong with those people?
- Monsters.
She's dead, Murphy.
She's dead.
Freeman's dead too.
He bled out. Look at him.
- Look, at him, Murphy!
- Benji!
You need to pull yourself together, okay?
I can't think
with you crying like a little bitch.
All right.
I did not see this coming.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck!
It's a set-up, man. It's a fucking set up!
Freeze! Throw down your weapons!
- Hey, chief!
- Don.
That sure is a pretty shine you got there.
Mona's orders.
So how goes it? What do you know?
Well, Don,
I figured I'd come by here personally...
...to let you know we found Dusty.
Oh, great, you did.
- How is she? Is she okay?
- No, she's dead.
And in addition to poor Dusty...
...there was another young woman
they stabbed to death...
...with a Samurai sword
right through her mid-section.
Like a kabob of sorts. It was disgusting.
Kabob...
Like a kabob with seepage.
Well, did you catch them?
Two of them.
Both dead.
One of them's still on the loose.
But don't worry, We'll get him.
Okay.
We love what you've done
with your lawn, Don.
- Oh, thanks.
- Muffy! Any chance you'd like to come by...
...and have a refreshing beverage with us
and talk fertilizers?
Yeah, I'd love... No, you know.
You don't want to know
what I'm going to do...
...if I catch this dog
on my property again, ladies.
Okay, Mona.
She's just kidding.
- Bye.
- Yeah, we'll see you.
Chief, can I interest you in some dinner?
I've cooked up some artichokes.
Work's kind of been piling up on me,
so...
- Well, maybe next time.
- Maybe.
Maybe next time, chief.
Listen, Don, something else came up...
...we thought
you might be able to help us out with.
Yep. What's that?
Well, you see, Don, it turns out that...
Some girls over at that lodge
where them fellas did their business...
...they described someone
that looked just like you.
Me?
Came in there a couple days ago.
I'm not gonna lie to you, chief,
because, you don't deserve to be lied to.
I'm gonna come perfectly clean
because that's the Don Champagne way.
I was having an affair with Dusty...
...and one day her boyfriend
comes into the store...
...and demands to be paid
or he's gonna tell Mona.
So that's why I went to the "lodge."
To pay him off.
- Is that the boyfriend?
- That's him. Yeah.
I see.
- Chief, if Mona finds out...
- Oh, I know.
- I know. We don't want Mona to find out.
- No, we don't.
Because then that would be
another dead body I'd have to look into.
Your parents gonna be here tomorrow
for Andrew's birthday?
I don't think
they're gonna be able to make it.
But they'll be here soon enough...
...so make sure the yard
is in perfect order anyway.
Do you think they did anything to you
when you were younger?
Who?
Your parents.
What are you talking about?
You know. Something bad.
To make you the way that you are.
And how's that, Don?
It's an honest question, Mona.
How dare you?
I am your husband.
If you can't tell me, who can you tell?
- There's nothing to tell!
- Okay.
I have...
I have a medical condition...
...but it's not because of my parents.
Well, it usually starts
with the upbringing, that's all.
Oh, God.
Oh, honey, honey, honey.
My parents never did anything to me.
My parents are perfect parents.
They never hit me. They never hurt me...
Sweetie, come here, come here.
Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Damn it.
I didn't...
They're very hard on you. On us.
And I just... I shouldn't have said it.
And it's just...
It's just been a little crazy lately.
That's all.
I love you, Don.
I love you too.
But if you ever talk to
me like that again...
I will end you.
I will get one of the knives...
...out of my bedside drawer...
...and I will gut you...
...and dismember you...
...like that wench you screwed.
Do you understand, Don Champagne?
Yeah. I understand.
- Good.
- Okay.
We need to discuss
the Les and A.J. situation...
...before the party tomorrow.
Focus, Don. This is important.
That family thinks they're better than us.
I won't have Andrew
compete against a child on steroids.
It's ruining his self-confidence.
He's not on steroids, Mona.
He's just a big-boned kid.
We've been through this.
Well,
if we don't get rid of them tomorrow...
...then when will we get rid of them?
What do you mean, "get rid of"?
Come on, A.J. Come on, you'll break it!
Come on, A.J.
Swing it like you swing that baseball bat!
Hit it!
Come on, focus. You can break it. Hit it!
Wait Wait. Wait.
Easy! It's just a game.
I am this close...
...to telling the Little League committee
about your scam.
Ten years old? Who are we kidding?
What are you inferring?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Your kid is a cheater!
And you're an alcoholic.
I can smell the booze
seeping out of your fat pores right now.
- You can't talk to him like that!
- Abby, Abby.
I'm glad you have Crohn's.
I hope you shit yourself to death.
Mona, you... You're just unstable.
I'm coming, honey.
- Hit it, Andrew.
- It's okay.
Hit it, Andrew!
- There you go, you got this.
- Come on.
- Great job, Andrew.
- That's right, come on.
Come on, buddy.
Hit it harder! Yes!
Yes! Yay, you did it!
It's your lack of focus, Andrew.
Shut up, Allison.
Good girl. You're so strong.
Get some candy.
Hey.
I love you.
- I see that.
- Yeah.
Hey. Where you going?
What is it?
I need you to keep an eye
on Lanny at the grill.
- He's supposed to be watching it.
- But I wanna get my Frisbee...
I'll grab it. Just go on out there,
keep an eye on him. I don't trust him.
Okay.
- Sweetheart?
- Yeah?
Maybe we should go on vacation.
Get away from all this madness.
I'd like that very much.
Good. I'll put it on the calendar.
Hey, Mona?
Would you mind
going out to the fridge in the garage...
...and getting me some ground beef?
I gotta go check on the grill.
Of course, sugar.
- Love you.
- Love you.
More than the moon and the stars.
Help! Help!
Category:Transcripts