Hope News

its clevver news but danganronpa
== 1 - Mikan's Reputation ==
NAGITO: well hello there guys, thanks for clicking here... I HOPE you like the video
CELES: nagito dont give me that shit
NAGITO: shut up taeko, i dont obey you despair cunts
NAGITO: Welcome to Hope News, with Nagito and Celes!
TOKO: and... and im here too
NAGITO: Well whatever, we've got a lot to cover through today
CELES: unfortunately
NAGITO: taeko why are you even here
CELES: ITS CELES DONT TRIGGER ME
CELES: im only here bc i need the money bc my house burned down and some dumb truck driver crashed my garage
NAGITO: well... isnt that just filled with despair
CELES: ANYWAYS... So let's begin with Mikan Tsumiki and her newest single, Look What You Made Me Stitch. This song has blown up for some reason even though it's fucking terrible, who the fuck listens to that?
NAGITO: ik it just fills you with--
CELES: no
NAGITO: ...fine
CELES: So if you recall, a few months back Hiyoko Saionji dropped her single Squish Squish for her album Traditional Dance Dance Revolution, featuring a rapping Minajkuma. If you don't remember, here are some of the lyrics:
HIYOKO: Squish squish, bish / Another one that I step in / MINAJKUMA: SQUISH SQUISH UHH GOT MIKAN UPSET
NAGITO: why the fuck wouldnt they remember the biggest single in all of hope's peak history
CELES: idk bc everyone in this fucking world is amnesiac
KYOKO: triggered
Kyoko throws a tomato at Celes but it hits Toko.
KYOKO: hmm... my suspicions were confirmed
GENOCIDE JACK: HEY SLUT U WANNA PIECE OF ME
*TECHNICAL DIFICULTIES, WE HOPE YOU KEEP READING*
CELES: well now that genocide jack has been escorted by the police to leave
NAGITO: she must be feeling so much despair rn
CELES: nagito... dont u have kids to feed
NAGITO: oh i already fed hajime with my super--
OMA: WHAT ABOUT ME DAD?
NAGITO: oma what the fuck are you doing he--
*TECHNICAL DIFICULTIES, THIS SHOULD JUST BE CANCELLED ALREADY*
CELES: BACK TO THE FUCKING NEWS I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS SHIT
NAGITO: well how can i not obey... you're a symbol of hope
CELES: good boy
NAGITO: is that what you say to hifumi when he rubs your feet
CELES: SHUT UP-- anyways Mikan dropped her new single with its music video and we spotted so much things
NAGITO: first we open with mikan with zombie makeup digging her own grave
CELES: no one cares about that scene, lets go str8 to the bathtub scene, so mikan is laying on a bathtub filled with diamonds, so if you recall there is a monocoin in the bathtub, which might be a reference to when mikan sued local flop chef teruteru hanamura for squeezing her ass, and she sued him for one monocoin
NAGITO: after that she is sitting in her throne while a bunch of busted makangos (novoselic strange animals) are surrounding mikan, which might be a reference to mikan's feud with sonia nevermind when sonia accidentally throwed a makango at mikan's face which made mikan fall to the road and get ran over by a school bus
CELES: oops
NAGITO: also, lets just ignore the middle part of the video bc no one cares and lets go into when mikan steps into the mansion and a bunch of dancers wearing all the same coats, and they are 24 dancers. not only that but when they took off their clothes it revealed fashionable clothes and a T-shirt saying "despair 4 life". THIS IS ALL a reference to Mikan's "apparent relationship" with Junko Enoshima, the controversial fashionista who is also a terrorist. If you recall Junko filed a restraining order against Mikan when the latter came to her house and fell asleep on top of her, giving her... des--
CELES: also this is fucking stretching it but fans actually think the number of dancers is a reference to the birthday date of Junko, bc December 24
NAGITO: well i mean, if someone can get strangled with toilet paper in this world
CELES: true
NAGITO: celes... wow... you agreed with me... you agreed with... common trash... like me!
CELES: yes ik im kween and ur a peasant
NAGITO: 100% accurate
CELES: so after that Mikan is standing on a mountain of people who also happen to be hiyoko, ibuki and mahiru clones with the letters HBIC behind Mikan as Hiyoko, Ibuki and Mahiru try to climb to the top but Mikan kicks them.
NAGITO: like... i think she just went nuts and just stopped being subtle
NAGITO: and also the video ends with mikan crashing on top of Hiyoko, Ibuki and letting Mahiru live... hmm interesting?
CELES: no. I have no idea why the fuck we're talking about this.
NAGITO: idk maybe for the fucking views
CELES: so dumb hoes hwat do you people think about this drama, comment down below if you're #TeamHiyoko or #TeamMikan
CELES: even tho its fucking obvious what you're gonna comment
CELES: im looking at you crim
NAGITO: and dont forget to regularly check this page for more hope-filled news
CELES: you do know everyones just gonna forget about this right
NAGITO: I WILL NEVER DESPAIR
CELES: whatever ive got hentai to watch
== 2 - YOU WILL FUCKING SHIT YOUR PANTS ONCE YOU SEE WHICH STUDENT OF THE 78TH CLASS GOT ITS SEXTAPE LEAKED ==
NAGITO: hello
CELES: no
TOKO: SOCIAL INTERACTION AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CELES: and today we have our guest star miu iruma
MIU: hi perverts u wanna see my tits dont u
TOKO: why...why do you... do you wanna show... your tits... is it because... you're a... a dirty s-slut?
MIU: MOANS LOUDLY
NAGITO: and today... oh boy...
CELES: oh my
MIU: oh MOAN
TOKO: oh
Toko sneezes.
GENOCIDE JACK: OH SCISSORING
NAGITO: cute segment bc THIS CELEB HAD HER LESBIAN SEX TAPE LEAKED
CELES: AND YOU WONT GUESS WHO IT IS UNTIL
MIU: 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
CELES: what
MIU: 8, 2, 0... NAGITO!
NAGITO: wait what
CELES: you didnt know?
NAGITO: OMG WHAT THE ACTUAL FU--
JUNKO: HA LOOK WHOS IN DESPAIR NOW
MIKAN: HEY BTICH HOW ABOUT U FACE ME
Junko stabs Mikan and runs away.
JUNKO: hope bagels suck
NAGITO: HOPE BAGELS ARE THE FUCKING BEST
Nagito runs away from set chasing Junko.
MIU: wow this place feels more clean without that dirty pervert
CELES: too bad he missed the chance of talking to his partner... and it's NOT HAJIME HINATA!
GENOCIDE JACK: OMG WHO IS IT, IS IT A CUTE BOY?!?!
RAUL: *mexican noises* im so glad to be on your show
GENOCIDE JACK: nope
CELES: wtf its not even him its--
NAEGI: YOU THINK I'M NOT CUTE, YOU GOT THAT WRONG!
CELES: ...this cunt?
MIU: did you people not watch the sex tape on loop 69 times?
CELES: ...no
GENOCIDE JACK: yes
GENOCIDE JACK: well arent you a little cute boy
Genocide Jack kills Naegi with her scissoring.
CELES: thank god
CELES: well thats our show
MIU: I travelled all the moaning roads while I moaned for this?
CELES: yep