American Dad Speedrunning 2

8th episode of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode starts with an aerial shot in the sky, where some clouds are clumped up. The clouds move apart, revealing the show's logo in the sky as it slowly zooms towards the camera.]
Angelic Chorus: 🎵 SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk 🎵
[We suddenly reveal that this episode has nothing to do with SpongeBob as the camera pans down to the Sampson family home in the lovely little town of Sproinkfeld. We see Humer Sampson, the lovable of the Sampson family, lounging on the couch with his favourite beverage - Duff beer - in hand.]
Humer (belting out): ooouugghhhgghhhh BEER!
[Merge Sampson walks in.]
Merge: mmmmm humer where is The Boy
Humer: i don't fuckin know you stupid woman
Merge: HUMER!
Humer: yuh
Merge: You do not talk to me like that.
Humer: Fine augh but seriously he's probably upstairs jerkin off or something you know how teenagers are
Merge: you need ta bring him downnmmmn here right this instant humer Dinnah's almost ready
[Humer stays put.]
Merge: do it or no sexy poopy kitten time tonight
Humer: ok i'll do it
[Humer goes upstairs and opens the door. Their son, the Bert's room, is in a massive state of disrepair, likely due to the fact that The Sampsons hasn't gotten a new episode in over a year. The wallpaper is peeling off of the walls, there's cobwebs littered everywhere, and Bert the boy himself is glued to his computer desk's chair, his eyes crusty and dry from lack of sleep, somewhat resembling Gollum from . He seems to be attempting a speedrun of , but frequently restarts over minor errors.]
Humer: all seems well Son come(fellow) down stairs Mother wants us to eat
[Bert stays glued to his seat, not even reacting in the slightest to Humer's words.]
Humer: bro….. i said we have to go are you fucking deaf or something
[In a surprising turn of events, Bert suddenly sprouts a pair of ear-like appendages on the sides of his head, proving that he is, in fact, not deaf. These new ears start twitching uncontrollably, causing Bert's chair to vibrate with excitement. He turns to Humer with a mischievous grin, speaking in a voice that sounds eerily similar to Morgan Freeman's.]
Bert: Oh, dear father, fear not, for I have transcended the realm of mere mortals. I have become one with the digital universe, a conduit of animated wisdom. My mission is to complete this speedrun and achieve ultimate enlightenment.
Humer: (puzzled) ultimate enlightenment? i thought you were just playing a video game son.
Bert: (nodding sagely) Ah, but this is no ordinary video game, dear father. It holds the key to unlocking the secrets of the universe, hidden within its pixelated depths. Every restart brings me closer to the ultimate truth.
[Humer scratches his head, clearly perplexed by Bert's sudden philosophical turn.]
Humer: well thats all well and good but your mother wants us to come down for dinner. can you take a break from your cosmic quest
[Bert raises his newly sprouted ears, his gaze fixed on the computer screen with unwavering determination. He looks at Humer with a mix of rebellion and wit.]
Bert: Sorry, dear father, but the cosmic forces of the digital realm are calling to me. I cannot be swayed by the trivial matters of dinner and family bonding. My destiny lies within the realm of animated conquests.
[Humer's confusion turns into frustration as he tries to reason with his adamant son.]
Humer: bert you cant just stay up here forever. your mother went through all the trouble of making dinner and its getting cold. besides, we need to spend some close times as a family. you know, like they do in those sitcoms we never get a new episode of.
Bert: (smirking) Ah, dear father, you fail to grasp the gravity of my digital odyssey. The virtual realm is my true family now, where I find solace and purpose. Dinner can wait, but my speedrun cannot.
[Humer sighs, defeated by Bert's unwavering determination to pursue his virtual enlightenment. He mutters under his breath, realizing the futility of his attempts.]
Humer: well i guess well just eat without you then. more leftovers for me i suppose.
[Bert remains glued to his chair, his eyes fixed on the screen, as Humer reluctantly retreats downstairs, leaving his son to his animated conquests. Cut to downstairs in the dining room, where Humer, defeated, joins the rest of the family.]
Merge: HUMER! there you are honey. Where is Tha Boy
Humer: couldn't get him. too engrossed in his video games. tried my hardest.
Lisa: Let me guess… American Dad!?
Humer: yeah i think so
Lisa: (sighs) He's been engrossed in getting the speedrun world record for that ever since he lost it that fateful day almost two years ago.
Miggie: [baby noises]
Humer: well that seems easy i could just do it for him
Lisa: No, dad, you don't get it. He has to do it himself.
Humer: well if he tries to do it himself he'll be stuck up there for YEARS. i mean just think of that time i played mario kart against him
[Cutaway to Bert and Humer playing Mario Kart. Bert is doing all sorts of stylish tricks, whilst Humer casually drives behind him.]
Bert: alright gotta get the soft-drift… okay so far so good perfect 35° angle on the control stick, gotta get those coins to increase my speed, get the double item box FUCK BLUE SHELL oh god OH YES MUSHROOM I'M SAVED just gotta wait for it chain my boosts to keep speed HERE IT COMES USE THE MUSHROOM
[He gets hit anyways.]
Bert: WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS PERFECT EXECUTION
[Humer drives past him and wins the race.]
Humer: hey look i won cool
Bert: …eat pants
[Petaa walks in.]
Petaa: hey guys aren't i supposed to be the one copying you
Humer: Shut Fuck up
[Cut back to the dining room.]
Merge: well he can't stay there he's Gonna Miss Dinner he hasn't eaten in weeks i'm worried for my boy
Lisa: It's okay, mother. I'll go get him.
Humer: daughter don't fuck your brother again okay
Lisa: It's okay, father. I am no longer the person I was on May 24, 2020, and I no longer condone incest.
Humer: ok go get your brother pleas
[Lisa, determined to bring her brother Bert down for dinner, heads upstairs with a newfound plan in mind. She approaches Bert, who is still fixated on his quest for the speedrun record, and taps him on the shoulder. Bert slowly turns to face her, his eyes bloodshot from hours of intense gaming.]
Lisa: Bert, I know you're deeply engrossed in your virtual conquest, but I have an offer for you. I can help you with your speedrun and ensure you reach new heights, but only if you agree to do one thing for me.
[Bert's interest is piqued, his ears twitching with curiosity. He leans in closer as Lisa whispers her proposal into his ear. A mischievous smile spreads across Bert's face. He looks at the camera, his grin large and full of… well, mischief.]
Bert: hehe sweet home alabama
[The screen cuts to black as a musical spike happens. We cut back to the dining room, where Lisa and Bert have still not arrived.]
Merge: humer daughter has not come back. Dinner's Cold now. Good thinking!
Humer: im sorry wife ive been very naughty
Merge: come on bitch we need to investigate.
[The two of them go upstairs as well, dead set on getting to the bottom of the predicament. Once they get to Bert's room, they see that the door is closed and locked.]
Merge: BERT! LISA! OPEN UP!
Humer: why did we install lock on bert door again
Merge: it was his request and you got it for him as a reward for him doing well in school. if you count straight ds doing well
Humer: LMAO Ds LIKE DICKS
Merge: enough penis jokes humer use your manly strength to open the door
[Humer rams himself into the door. After a few rams, his fat ass successfully knocks the door down. The sight they behold is a downright revolting one, and one that I am not allowed to describe, lest I either get banned or you, the reader, uncontrollably splooge to it.]
Merge: WHAT THE FUCK NOT AGAIN
Humer: ah my boy's done it again
Merge: SISTER
Humer: (sips duff) yup alls well
Merge: No Among Us fun poopy kitten time tonight.
[Humer screams in anguish, which turns into intense anger.]
Humer: BERT! LISA!
[He jumps into the two doing their thang. Off-screen, of course. Humer's shadow can be seen on the wall.]
Humer: YOU TWO COSTED ME MY SCAT ROLEPLAY… YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!
[Humer undergoes an off-screen transformation. Merge watches in horror as Humer's body jerks in inhuman ways as his limbs get bigger and hairier. Humer finishes transforming into a hot furry Ken Stringfellow with abs. Humer's underwear flies onto Merge's face as he, too, joins in on the action. She slowly takes the underwear off of her face as she stares at the three-way.]
Merge: alright fuck this i'm gonna shoot myself
[Zoom out to reveal a storybook, which CrazySponge, now a fully grown adult male, is reading to his children.]
CrazySponge: and that, my precious children, is art
[The children start to cry and vomit due to how foul the story was. A caregiver comes up to CrazySponge.]
Caregiver: Sir, please leave the orphanage. Your stories are scarring the children.
CrazySponge: YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A TRUE LITERARY MASTERPIECE IF IT PASSIONATELY MADE OUT WITH YOU!
Caregiver: Sir, I will call the police if you keep up with this behavior.
CrazySponge: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I AM, LIKE, ONE OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE ON THE SPONGEBOB FANON WIKI!
[Stan Smith, the patriotic protagonist of "American Dad!", materializes behind CrazySponge. He stands tall, his voice filled with determination and passion.]
Stan: You, CrazySponge, have crossed a line that no true American should ever dare to cross. You've besmirched my name and tarnished the values that we hold dear. But let me make one thing clear: I am Stan Smith, defender of American ideals, and I will not stand idly by while you defile the sanctity of animated television!
[The American flag waves proudly in the background as Stan's words resonate with a patriotic fervor.]
Stan: Your episode, "American Dad Speedrunning," is a disgrace to the very essence of what it means to be American. The Simpsons, an iconic symbol of our cultural heritage, should never be used to promote such vile and immoral concepts. Incest? That's not something we laugh about, CrazySponge. It's a boundary that should never be crossed, even in the realm of parody.
[Stan clenches his fists, his eyes filled with righteous anger.]
Stan: You think you can besmirch the honor of our beloved animated shows? Well, think again! I, Stan Smith, will defend their integrity with every fiber of my being. You've awakened the patriotic spirit within me, and it's time for you to face the consequences!
[As the epic battle commences, Stan's training and sheer determination become evident. With swift punches and well-executed combat moves, he proves his strength and resilience.]
Stan: You may have thought you could take down an American icon, but you underestimated the power of truth, justice, and the American way! 
[With one final blow, Stan triumphs over CrazySponge, his adversary defeated.]
Stan: This is what happens when you challenge the spirit of America. I hope you've learned your lesson, CrazySponge. Let it be a reminder to all who dare to tarnish the values we hold dear. We stand united in defense of our animated legends!
[Stan raises his fist in victory, the American flag billowing behind him, symbolizing the triumph of justice and moral rectitude. Zoom out again, to show SpongeBob watching the episode on his television.]
SpongeBob: What the hell was that?
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