Jeffrey Edward Epstein

== Overview ==
Jeffrey Edward Epstein (nè Àrsiāniscu-Vacaroiu) is a Romanian-American Yakubist-Ultraorthodox Jewish man of Ethiopian descent currently living in on an unnamed Louisiana-Texas border town 15 miles away from Obama City. Diagnosed with ADHD, Aspergers, Bipolar and multiple personality disorder at an early age, Yakub chose him as an apprentice (and possible successor) at the age of 9, due to his high IQ and devotional appreciation to Yakub. Epstein is also very proud of his heritage, so much so that when he heard of the Yom Kippur war, he applied for citizenship to the State of Israel and when he received it it, he immediately signed up for the IDF and started fighting. Of course, he didn't forget about Yakub, keeping a large 7 foot gilded statue of Yakub with him as he fought on the front line, eventually erecting the statue in the place where the first McDonald's in Israel is located and where it still stands today. 
== Speech at Biblioberio and Kidnapping ==
Epstein's speech at Biblioberio was, according to surviving attendees very moving. It had started from 21:30 (+ or - ~15 mins) and abruptly ended at 21:46. Here is the transcript, unfortunately the full transcript and topic pertaining to the antichrist was seized by the UN and presumably purged."It is a punishment. A punishment upon us. We've permitted the shoots of evil to spring up in the furrows of good we've plowed. Yes, even that blasphemy we had cleansed bloodily a few years back. The abomination of witchcraft, it is spreading, to our peril. The servants of Satan are the enemy of our people. We must root all such out in this time of peril, ah, we must pluck the sinfulness from our own bosoms. Have ye thought what it means to burn in hellfire? To writhe and scream in the accursed abyss of fire and brimstone? That is the doom in store for those who deny grace. The witch eye and the traitor, and the scoffer of true religion. The mouther of blasphemous oaths, he who plays the wenchmonger and she who praises it. Even the silly girl, and many such that be that burn with unbecoming degeneracy will burn in horrible agony unremittingly forever, forever and ever! The flame sears! It rends you with such pain as of which you have never known! The pitiless eternal curse torments you! Your mouth gapes wide, only to swallow fire! Now, for this moment, let us rejoice, rejoice in the fact that we are saved as long as we don't fall into the treacherous ways of sin. My brethren it is better to live ten years in purity than ten-thousand as a sinner! Let us rejoice that this blessing shall allow us, with the Scourge of God alone to slay these satanic beasts of man! Say it with me, let it resound in the streets and let it strike fear into each one of these beasts of man, I hate the antichrist! I hate the antichrist! I hate the antichrist!"
The speech was cut short by a caravan of armed men who kidnapped Epstein, and an usurper of the stage, likely one of the beasts of man Epstein was referring to, Lampre Fondital. This attack on Epstein was the event that is most likely responsible for the formal creation of the Antichrist paramilitary group, as the UN cataloged the speech as the first documented case of resistance to the Antichrist in a leaked series of documents, known as the Mogadishu Papers.
== Israeli Parliament Controversy ==
When the Parliament of Israel formally decided to incorporate the McDonald's discussed in the "Overview" section into it's territory, there was a fierce debate on if it should be removed, spiraling into a brawl, unfortunately leading to 52 fatalities, 112 severe injuries leading to hospitalization, 378 non-critical injuries and 11.58 million USD adjusted for inflation (38,568,335.40 Israeli New Shekel) in property damage alone. In the end, from a moving speech from Jeffrey, the parliament voted near-unanimously to keep it in the Knesset building (five members of parliament were either knocked unconscious or stormed out in protest).
=== Rap Battle Competition, Loss of Valor and Travel Ban. ===
Jeffrey later challenged the Prime Minister of Israel to a Rap Battle, in which Epstein suffered a catastrophic loss, causing him to be stripped of all honor and medals. Furthermore, he was banned from entry into the entire neighborhood of "Givat Ram", the parliament inside it and the city of Tel Aviv, after the Knesset passed a namesake law against Epstein. 80,000,000 Israeli New Shekel (24,019,704 USD) were lost from betting on Epstein, leading many Parliament Members to resign and declare bankruptcy, one member even leaving Israel. This has rapidly spiraled into the current Israeli political crisis (External Link) and the formal joint entry ban "on Jeffrey Edward Epstein on entering the Sovereign States of: ...Israel, ...Iraq, ...Palestine, ...Slovenia, ...Saudi [Arabia], ...Leban[on], ...Syria, ...Iran, ...Jordan and ...Albania ". The entry ban on the neighborhood "Givat Ram" had also been upgraded to a << תירה כשאתה רואה את זה >> order, which roughly translates to "Shoot on Sight".
== Obesity and Depression ==
Jeffrey Epstein went through a phase of severe depression and low self esteem due to his travel ban and loss of awards, but he remembered the legacy of his family at the last moment and founded his own island nation in The Caribbean. It was allegedly so good, that he had many famous celebrities and politicians visit there for the unique culture and offers he had to show. Barack Obama's father, Obama - I awarded him with three Medals of Honor days before Epstein relapsed into his depression. Due to the COVID-19 outbreak caused by the SARS-CoV-2 virus, Epstein could not have his favorite food, "Boiled and Fried Refuse From Distilled Hebei Sewage" as he was afraid of getting sick. Epstein participated in multiple illegal raids in Section 8 with an unknown group just to feel alive for a moment, but alas, it wasn't enough. Epstein mail ordered fast food and illicit substances nearly 40 times per shop, out of 21 shops for a month. This caused his weight to balloon from 181 pounds to 568 pounds. He looked at an image of his adopted father and realized that he was becoming fat. He, according to his landlord tried to jump out the window but couldn't fit so he decided to go back to a more active region of "Section 8" operation.
== Participation in The War In Donbass and Extradition to the United States ==
Epstein was spotted in Eastern Ukraine, apparently sent there by a dangerous criminal group in section 8. He was seen stealing an Ukrainian tank and driving it across the border into Russia. He and his cohorts were recorded shelling civilian housing. He was apprehended by Ukrainian traffic police while he was fixing the tank. He was extradited to the United States.
== Romanian Presidential Candidacy ==
On the Yakubist Party, he won 93.8 percent of the vote, but his party had to be disbanded after the consulate was attacked over 50 times in a week. This led to the 2021 UN NATO invasion of Romania. He is now the commander of the now-disbanded Romanian Army and aims to stop NATO and the UN form destroying Romania.
Category:Main Character
Category:Scary
Category:Ugly
Category:Black Theory Enthusiast
Category:Yakubist
Category:Good
Category:Pro-Romania