Strange Wilderness/Transcript

Now I'd like to show you
how smart he is.
 
Let's have some fun
and play Animal Quiz with Michael.
 
Michael. Come on, Michael.
 
You see what a good trainer I am.
Oh, there he comes.
 
I got the wrong end.
 
Goats are distinguished
by a narrow head,
 
a bearded chin,
in the male, a short upturned tail.
 
It's been called the "poor man's cow"
 
because it yields
more milk for its size...
 
Jesus Christ!
 
God.
 
It's all right.
 
Ostriches are a pretty funny bird.
 
They can't fly but they like to dance.
 
And they don't really bury their heads
in the sand
 
but they do eat stones and shirts.
 
Look at my dad. He was the king.
 
I mean, no matter what happened,
I mean, he was as cool as a cucumber.
 
He never forgot a line.
And he never let anything ruffle him.
 
My dad was the king.
 
No doubt.
And his TV show ruled the ratings.
 
What was that?
 
Excuse me.
 
It was a wildlife show
called Strange Wilderness.
 
Yeah, you remember that?
Do you remember my dad?
 
Oh, cool.
 
Yeah, then he died
and then I took over the show,
 
then it all went to hell and... I mean,
I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all.
 
I don't know. I don't know
if it was like I wasn't bright enough or
 
I didn't work hard enough or...
I used to smoke a lot of dope, so...
 
No, I quit. Yeah, totally.
 
What happened to the show?
 
At first, it was great.
 
I had a really good crew.
We were doing what we loved.
 
But then...
 
I don't know, things got a little strange.
 
All right, people, we're losing light!
 
We need animals on film.
We need animals on film now!
 
Cooker! Look, I need the slinger tripod.
Break out the kreel.
 
And I need a Mercury lens
 
'cause I'm gonna reverse out
all the glass. Got it?
 
Okay.
 
It was a nice chat.
 
- Talk to me, Milas. How we doing?
- We're doing fine.
 
A couple of more minutes.
This damn thing's stuck again.
 
Hang on, people. I am picking up
an underwater bubbling sound.
 
I'm not sure what it is,
but, I mean, it is bubbling furiously.
 
Junior, knock it off.
 
All right, whatever it was, it's gone now.
 
Pete?
 
This is my nephew, the kid
I was telling you about, you know?
 
He's a little green
and he sure loves his herb
 
but around you guys,
when in Rome, huh?
 
All right, well, hey, any nephew of Milas'
is a nephew of mine.
 
Hey, welcome aboard.
 
Don't! No.
 
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
 
It's not a good time for me right now.
 
So, all right. Get into frame.
I think we're just about set.
 
All righty. Be about right here.
 
Fred, you got the stuff? Ready?
 
- This is a bar napkin.
- Yeah.
 
This is it?
 
Our entire voice-over for our show
on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?
 
Yeah, we wrote it last night
at P.J. Mahoney's.
 
"Bears are large and brown. "
 
All right. Come on.
 
Not all bears are large.
How about baby bears?
 
"Bears derive their name
from a football team in Chicago. "
 
No. It's the other way around.
 
Jesus Christ, Fred, come on.
 
"It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year.
 
"Attacks by salmon on bears
are much more rare. "
 
All right, that's gotta be true, right?
All right, let's go with that one.
 
Let's get me standing here.
And on my count.
 
Four, three, two, one, zero,
and I'm talking now.
 
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal...
 
I hear that weird bubbling sound again.
 
It's not bubbling.
 
Junior, I said knock it off.
 
Okay, ready? Keep rolling.
Three, two, one, go.
 
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
 
It is estimated that bears kill
over two mill...
 
We got fog rolling in, man.
 
In a year.
 
It's not fog.
 
Milas, can you help me out here?
 
For God's sake, Junior,
just set the bong down.
 
Thanks.
 
All right, let's go.
And three, two, one, go.
 
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
 
It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year,
 
although attacks by salmon on bear
are much more fucking rare!
 
Cut!
 
Gaulke, how many times
have we told you,
 
you can't shoot without a permit?
 
You've got a $500 fine coming.
 
Now, pack up your stuff
and leave the forest.
 
By the way, this is fire season.
 
Smokey the Bear says,
"Put out the bong!"
 
Okay. Okay, thank you!
 
Okay, let's take it from... Let's see...
 
Let's see, from,
my time code says 08:40:22.
 
We are cued up. Strange Wilderness,
episode 21, "Bear Elegance. "
 
We have sound speed now.
 
Three, two, one, push the button, go.
 
Bears are a proud people,
 
although they're not people per se,
they're animals.
 
Bears derived their name
from a football team in Chicago.
 
Bears have been known to attack man,
 
although the fact is that fewer people
have been killed by bears
 
than in all of World War I
and World War II combined.
 
Brown bears loves fishing...
 
Brown... Brown bears bloves...
 
God, why am I having so much trouble
saying "brown"?
 
Maybe it's the two B's in "brown bears. "
Try something different.
 
I got it. I'm ready. Okay.
 
Red bears love fish.
 
Pete, you're late for your meeting
with Lawson down at K-PIP.
 
Deb, we're in the middle
of a recording session,
 
so every fucking thing you say
is going down on tape.
 
Oh, right, like you guys ever care
about that crap?
 
Okay, stop recording.
 
Turn it...
 
Turn off everything.
Put away, put away everything.
 
Okay, everything's shut off.
Now, Deb, what's so important?
 
Your meeting with Lawson
 
was supposed to start 20 minutes ago,
you stupid asshole.
 
Shit.
 
Hey, fellas, I was bombed last night
at P.J. Maloney's.
 
By the way, did you guys notice
any sediment in that tequila?
 
'Cause some kind of pebble or rock
or something clogged up my penis hole
 
and my johnson swelled up
 
like a fucking water balloon
hooked up to a tea kettle.
 
Fuck you! You wanna fight?
 
Here we are. Pull over.
 
You guys better hustle up.
You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.
 
You guys better hustle up.
You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.
 
Great. I'll tell him you called. Thank you.
 
Good morning. We have
an 11:00 meeting with Mr. Ed Lawson.
 
Sorry we're a little late.
 
Dude, Sky Pierson.
 
Hey, Pierson, TJ.
 
Well, as I live and breathe.
 
Peter Gaulke
and his shadow, Fred Wolf.
 
No, no, not Pete and Fred.
It's more like Neil and Bob.
 
Or is that just what they do?
 
Hey, so what are you guys doing here?
 
We're talking to Lawson about bringing
our wildlife show over here to K-PIP.
 
It's great, 'cause Lawson's in there
 
jumping through hoops
trying to make the deal work.
 
It is so much fun
to have your ass royally kissed.
 
Yeah, it is.
 
I mean, after all, it's not your fault
 
that our budget
blows yours to kingdom come.
 
And you must miss
your father's skills, am I right?
 
Yeah.
 
Yeah, actually it's...
Yes, just at times when I...
 
You know what, we've got to go.
Later, huh?
 
Seriously, good luck, dude.
 
Awesome.
 
You know, I know he was jiving us
a little, but Sky Pierson's so cool.
 
Oh, yeah, you kidding me?
 
He is the king
of wildlife show hosts, man.
 
All right, come on, let's see Lawson.
 
- This is it.
- Germans do it.
 
All right, let's cut to the chase.
 
The ratings for Strange Wilderness
 
have been dropping considerably
for the past two years.
 
Okay, now, when my dad had the show,
you aired him at 7:
 
and we're on at 3:00 a. m. So...
 
Pete, let me finish.
I haven't even started yet. Okay?
 
Let's take the crappy ratings aside.
Throw them aside.
 
The network has taken so much flak
 
for the perceived irresponsibilities
of your show.
 
I had my assistant
put together some clips.
 
Oh, fun.
 
Let me tell you something. I am
disturbed by what I'm seeing. Okay?
 
Many of these animals are... Whoa,
something's about to go down here.
 
Oh, I can smell a good time
on the horizon. Oh, that's it.
 
Slice me off a piece and serve it up hot.
I'm next in line.
 
Okay.
 
That's okay, right?
 
Sad.
 
Okay? What about this?
 
Hey, stick around
 
because when we come back, we're
gonna find us some pygmy people.
 
All right, all the littering aside,
 
how do you refer
to the indigenous people, the natives,
 
as pygmy people?
 
That's just wrong!
 
What? No.
 
I like all people.
 
It's Fred who's the racist.
 
You ought to hear what he says
about the Chinee.
 
- Right?
- What?
 
You are so not getting this, are you?
Take a look.
 
Oh, my God!
 
I mean, it's...
 
Luckily we caught it on tape,
so that man will be honored.
 
You wanted to honor the man
 
by showing him being killed
by an alligator on your wildlife show?
 
All right, what about this?
 
A guy on fire at a peace rally.
 
Did you guys ever think
of putting the cameras down
 
and helping the guy out?
 
And what was that music playing?
Some sort of Jesus music underneath?
 
Was that at the rally
or did you add that? What was that?
 
What about this?
 
Now, what the hell is that?
 
It's the African wilderness.
It's natives doing a war dance.
 
That's not Africa.
 
Right, well, not totally.
 
See, a lot of the women of the bush,
 
they're not really that good-looking.
 
So, we got these girls instead.
They're from Long Beach.
 
Stop talking. Please.
 
You know, ever since your dad died,
 
the quality of the show
has gone straight downhill.
 
And now with the ratings in the toilet,
 
there's no reason
to keep the show on the air. None.
 
Unless something big happens.
I have no idea.
 
Okay, wait. Now, something big.
Now, what do you mean by "big"?
 
Well, why are we even discussing it?
Nothing big is going to happen.
 
The show sucks.
 
And I am officially, right now, telling you
 
that two weeks from now
the show is canceled.
 
I've given you notice.
Thanks for coming in.
 
All right.
 
Think. We gotta think.
Okay, we're not canceled yet.
 
Cooker, go get us
a few quarts of coffee.
 
This is gonna be a long night.
 
Now, may I interject for a second
and say no, politely.
 
What I'm trying to say is that
you drank coffee yesterday.
 
You're gonna drink coffee tomorrey.
 
The point is that
I'm not some great white stallion
 
sprinting from shantytown
to shantytown,
 
crushing up java beans
just to bring them around to my friends.
 
Come on, we gotta think.
 
We gotta come up with some big idea
that's gonna keep us on the air.
 
Now, come on.
Hey, Junior, how 'bout you, fresh blood?
 
You got any ideas?
 
Yoo-hoo.
 
Hey.
 
- Hey. Hey.
- Shut up.
 
What? Sorry.
 
Dude, what is on your eyes?
 
Oh, man. Oh, yeah, this is so weird.
 
It like looks like I have eyeballs
or whatever.
 
I smoked some weed the other...
Oh, shit, wait, hold on.
 
I smoked some weed the other night
and I think the shit was laced,
 
because I went out right away
and got these tattoos on my eyelids
 
to make it look like when I was sleeping
 
that people would think
that I was awake.
 
Pete, you know
what might drive up the ratings?
 
What about a celebrity host?
 
Yeah. That would be great.
 
We could get someone really cool,
like Jack Nicholson.
 
Oh, yeah. I know where he lives
up in the Hollywood Hills.
 
I know some guys who used
to dump over his garbage cans,
 
like in a jealous rage.
 
You remember Fat Johnny?
 
- Powers.
- Yeah, you know Powers.
 
- Yeah. He's a great guy.
- They used to shower together and shit.
 
Well, not shower,
but they were friends with benefits.
 
- No.
- And they spent...
 
Hey, how about...
 
Goddamn, I know one thing.
That fat bastard can eat, man.
 
Fuck, yeah. I saw him
eat a cat once. It was crazy.
 
I mean, this poor cat
didn't know what was happening.
 
Or maybe it was a lobster he ate.
 
- Pete.
- What?
 
Bill Calhoun stopped by to see you.
 
Oh, great. Tell him I'll be right there.
 
All right, this is good. Come on,
let's keep it up. Keep thinking.
 
Who the fuck is Jack Nocknuhson?
 
Hey, Bill.
 
- Oh, Pete. How you doing?
- Hey.
 
- Caught you reminiscing, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah.
 
I can't believe
how young I look in that photo.
 
- Yeah, what is that? 15, 20 years?
- A lot more than that.
 
Let me tell you something, Pete.
Time flies.
 
Yeah. So, what brings you
down from the mountain, Bill?
 
Business.
 
That's Bigfoot.
 
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
 
Where did you get these?
 
Ecuador. And I know where he's hiding.
I got the map up at my cabin.
 
This is great!
 
Okay, we're gonna go to your cabin,
get the map, we'll go find Bigfoot.
 
You just saved Strange Wilderness, Bill.
 
Not quite so fast on that.
 
Pete, you know I loved your daddy
like a brother,
 
but Pierson is willing to give me
$1,000 for the map.
 
- $1,000?
- Look, I need the money.
 
Oh, Bill!
 
You can't sell the map to Pierson.
 
I don't know where
I'm gonna find $1,000. Jeez! What if...
 
Hey, wait.
I got something better than $1,000.
 
Yeah.
 
I'll give you a piece of my show!
 
Well, no, no. No, no, no.
I need the money kind of fast.
 
It's all about net points.
 
- You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah.
- Net?
 
Look, 10%% gets the per diem
backend accrued cost...
 
Let's see,
times the employee overhead at 525,
 
plus my finder's fee...
 
Pete, isn't that the TV remote?
 
Bill, don't change the subject!
 
The point is you're gonna get 10%%,
which comes out to be a fortune!
 
Look, I wouldn't be doing this
if I wasn't strapped for cash!
 
I gotta have 1,000 bucks,
or I gotta go to Pierson.
 
All right. All right. I'll get the money.
 
I'll have it in a week.
I'll see you at your cabin by the 15th.
 
- By God, you got a deal.
- All right.
 
I'm glad this is going to you
and not that Pierson.
 
- Damn. These are great.
- Yeah.
 
- And Bill knows where this is?
- Yeah, South America.
 
This is exactly what we needed. Okay?
This is gonna be the biggest show ever.
 
Here's the plan.
 
Okay, we're gonna shoot five wildlife
shows on the way down.
 
Then we're gonna pay it off with the first
ever footage of the legendary Bigfoot.
 
Pete, I think you just saved the show,
you son-of-a-gun.
 
Your dad'd be proud of you, boy.
 
Yeah, but doggone it, I don't think
I'm gonna make the big run, fellas.
 
- I just can't.
- What?
 
But numb nuts here'll
run your camera for you.
 
- I understand. We're gonna miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
 
Now, listen, what about that $1,that Bill wants for these?
 
All right. I need everyone to go home,
 
scrape up as much cash
as you can find, all right?
 
Think of this as an investment
in your future.
 
If this works, we all work.
 
And, people, this is gonna work.
 
Hey, Debbie!
 
Debbie!
 
I need you to set up interviews
for an animal handler, stat!
 
And for the last seven years,
I've worked at an auto body shop,
 
so I don't really have any experience
in your field, per se.
 
Never really handled animals before.
 
But I have handled other things and...
 
I don't know,
I just really need a job, so...
 
Can we think about it?
 
Yeah. And not very hard?
You really needing a job is depressing.
 
You smell of desperation.
I mean, who wants to be around that?
 
Well, I wouldn't smell like desperation
if I had the job, right?
 
Well, if you want,
we could hire you, fire you,
 
push you into a mud puddle,
 
and then you can keep this
whole sad sack train chugging along.
 
Jesus, man,
a month on the road with this guy,
 
I'd shove an exhaust pipe
through my fucking heart.
 
Yeah, why don't you go
make a blues album?
 
Yeah, you could call it
"I'm a Poor, Little Sad Sack. "
 
No job.
 
Next! Debbie!
 
I don't want the job.
Thank you, but no thanks.
 
Next applicant!
 
No, thank you.
 
Maybe you can offer the job
to a crazy person.
 
You'll have better luck.
 
Next!
 
You guys are out of your fucking minds.
 
Yeah. Yeah. Run back to junior high.
It'll be great.
 
Debbie! Debbie!
 
You're off-the-chart nuts!
 
Next!
 
- You're insane!
- Next!
 
- And rude!
- Debbie!
 
- Debbie!
- Next!
 
Well, welcome aboard, Whitaker.
We're gonna have a great trip.
 
Thanks for hiring me, guys.
I really appreciate it.
 
I just want you to know I'm gonna
apply myself and do the best I can
 
to be the best animal handler
you guys have ever had.
 
I know I don't know a lot about animals,
but I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna read.
 
I feel like I got a handle on, you know,
what the best way to be an animal, so...
 
- Good job.
- Keep it up.
 
Okay, take care now.
 
Well, hello. So, Cheryl, I'm sure this...
 
Glad you could join us.
This is Cheryl, Fred.
 
- Hi. How are you?
- Cheryl's friends with cousin Bob.
 
Travel agent.
 
Yeah. She's gonna...
 
I'm sorry, Bob did not tell me
that you were so damn...
 
Sorry?
 
Nothing.
 
Okay.
 
Okay, the plan is, all right, is to head
towards the coast through the Mojave
 
and then we'll just make a quick detour
to the Tribily Mountains
 
to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
grab the map and cross the border.
 
Great. Good job, Cheryl.
 
Gotta go. Keep on keeping on.
 
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
 
You know, she seems nice.
I really like her.
 
Oh, man, halfway through this trip,
she'll fall for me.
 
- I'll be laying some serious pipe.
- Oh, yeah.
 
- Hi, what's up?
- Hey!
 
I just felt like I should assure you,
you know, I get it.
 
I mean, you guys have been together
for a really, really long time.
 
You're about to go out
into the wilderness.
 
I mean, the last thing you need
is a woman in your midst
 
to short-circuit the whole process.
 
Debbie the downer, right?
 
"Oh, no, can't talk amongst ourselves.
Here she comes," you know?
 
I'm not gonna
bring that to the table, okay?
 
Like the whole "laying pipe" thing?
It's funny. It really is funny.
 
You know, I get it.
I know how that works.
 
You make an announcement like that,
 
all your friends laugh,
they think you're into girls
 
and you make it through another day.
 
But look, I mean, if you wanna
fight the fight and keep on keeping on,
 
like the gay kids like to say,
well, that's your own prerogative.
 
Sorry, I think it's the...
Yep, it's the liaison from Mexico.
 
What just happened?
 
Shit, I don't know.
 
I'm no longer so sure
about that laying the pipe thing, though.
 
Cooker, I thought I told you
to put this stuff in the RV.
 
Oh, man, it's already in there.
 
I'm looking right at it! It's not in the RV!
 
- Oh, this stuff?
- Yeah.
 
Oh, no, yeah,
this stuff's not in the RV yet.
 
God damn it.
Five minutes to get from the...
 
I got 10 more feet to get in the RV,
anybody else wanna say something?
 
All right, yeah, hey...
 
- I'm sorry. Sorry. Hi.
- Sorry. Hi.
 
I forgot what I was gonna say.
 
- Me too, then. Okay.
- Okay.
 
Pete. This oil looks a little thick.
Maybe I should add some water.
 
Sure.
 
Okay.
 
Locked and loaded.
Over and out. Let's go.
 
Shit.
 
Have you guys ever tried to poop
and brush your teeth at the same time?
 
- It's fucking hard.
- Nice.
 
If you're my stepmom Phyllis,
then fuck you
 
If you're my new brothers and sisters
 
Dakota and Breckenridge,
then fuck you, too
 
Listen up, world
 
Hey, Dad, why'd you marry that ho?
 
Hey, three-letter word for "man. "
 
Dude.
 
That's four letters. Dud. Dud, maybe.
 
By the way, isn't that like
your fourth beer this morning?
 
What? It's just a cordial.
 
- Bottle snack.
- God.
 
Don't tell me to turn my music down
 
Because there's tons
of different opinions
 
On what the volume of music
that should be played in your house is
 
Plus, we all know Phyllis has
super-fucking-sensitive hearing
 
I don't think it's right for her to tell me
to turn off my fucking music
 
Hey, look, everybody, sea lions!
 
All right, let's hustle down there
and shoot some of this.
 
This should be a perfect show
on our way to Bigfoot country.
 
Hey, Danny, get your seal...
 
Yo, yo, I'm way ahead of you morons.
 
I'm gonna sneak up
on these fucking bad boys
 
and get you guys angles
that'll blow you away.
 
Okay, great. Let's go.
 
En route to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
we had time to meet up
 
with some of nature's
most awesome creatures, Mr. Sea Lion.
 
No matter how many sea lions
are eaten each year by sharks,
 
it never seems like enough.
 
When a shark appears in the area,
 
sea lions
will leave the water immediately.
 
Luckily, there are no tigers on shore
waiting for him,
 
or he wouldn't know what the fuck to do.
 
A sea lion's main diet is fish,
 
of which there are
many different species.
 
Here we see the puffer fish.
 
Our best guess is that this fish inflates
by sucking its balls into its stomach.
 
This odd-looking fish
is called a squiggly.
 
Wait, dude, can I just talk?
Can I just say one thing?
 
Dude, give me the fucking...
 
- Please, please. Really.
- Give me the fucking microphone.
 
- Why is that pink thong running so fast?
- God.
 
Sorry.
 
Dude, this is a show about sea lions,
God damn it.
 
But to get closer
to these remarkable creatures,
 
we put our driver, Danny Gutierrez,
in a sea lion costume.
 
Unfortunately, after only a few seconds,
Danny was attacked by a shark.
 
Oh, fuck! Oh, no, no, no!
Leave him alone!
 
No, get off him, he's my friend!
Please stop it!
 
Wow. I'm just blown away
by how violent that was.
 
Those razor-sharp teeth
were as sharp as razors.
 
It was just so gruesome, you know?
 
All the thrashing and all the blood...
 
It's okay. It's okay.
 
Yeah. No, he's... It's gonna be okay.
 
I mean, these things happen.
I mean, not all the time, but still.
 
Cheryl,
 
just thank you for being my friend.
 
Thanks.
 
You are such an asshole!
 
Oh, shit, two funny things at once.
 
I was trying to help you feel better.
 
Then you hit me in the head.
Now there's a bump on my head.
 
It looks like a dinosaur egg.
 
If that dinosaur hatches,
 
people are gonna think I'm
some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird.
 
And how the fuck do you think
that makes me...
 
It's fine. It's fine. I'll get over it.
 
Hey, guys, look at that bug over there.
 
Oh, yeah.
 
Hey, break out the equipment.
 
As long as we're here we might as well
roll some footage, right? Come on.
 
Junior, get over here.
 
Look at this. This is great.
Get in here, right now.
 
Get that right there.
Wait, I got a noise. Hold on.
 
Go ahead.
 
Excuse me!
 
Gentlemen, hi.
We're trying to do a shoot here
 
and we were just wondering if you could
maybe stop honking the horn
 
until we're finished?
 
No speak de inglés, buey.
I need $100, por favor.
 
- Are you trying to blackmail us?
- Hey, you know.
 
Hola, cómo estás? How are you?
 
I'll stop honking for $100, okay?
 
Let me handle this.
I speak the language of their people.
 
Is time
 
to stop de horn from honking,
 
please?
 
Let me try a different approach.
 
No, no, no, no! Slow it down, brother.
Let's talk this out.
 
I ain't gonna talk, homes.
I'm gonna punch!
 
No, you don't wanna do that,
 
'cause that's gonna cause
some serious trouble, brother.
 
For who,
you Super Mario-looking motherfucker?
 
Actually, it's gonna cause some
trouble for you and let me explain why.
 
- 'Cause see, you're a big, powerful man.
- That's true, homes.
 
Actually, you're so powerful,
and he's such a pussy,
 
your punch is probably gonna kill him.
 
And then what?
They're gonna fry you, homes.
 
All right. Well, what about the scratch
he put on my front hood?
 
I didn't go near your front hood, man.
 
Yeah, you did, homes. It's right there.
Take a look, pussy.
 
- Yeah, look at it, pussy!
- Fuck you, Fred!
 
Hey, you too, homes.
 
Take a look. Lean closer, both of you.
Look, closer. You see it?
 
I don't see any scratch.
 
You just got knocked the fuck out!
 
Oh, my God.
 
Hello. We would like
to see a dentist, please.
 
Well, have a seat, and the dentist
will be able to see you in about an hour.
 
I'm sorry. Did you just say, "Have a seat,
 
"and the dentist will be able to see you
in about an hour"?
 
There are a couple of people in front
of you. Would you like a magazine?
 
I'll take a Batman magazine.
 
Dude, that's a comic book.
She said "magazine. "
 
I'm sorry about that.
I'll have a Penthouse?
 
We don't have
Penthouse magazine, sir.
 
I guess we'll wait.
 
- Fred?
- Yeah?
 
- Go color.
- All right.
 
No magazines.
 
A whole hour to kill.
 
Hello there.
 
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
 
All right, everybody, listen up.
 
We're flat busted. We're broke.
 
Two days on the road
and we're already fucked.
 
Hey, guys! Check this shit out.
 
Boosted some nitrous from
the dentist's office. It was so awesome.
 
I just, like, grabbed it and they were
like, "What are you doing?"
 
And I go, "It's cool, man.
I'm a dentist, I need to use this shit. "
 
Do you know what this shit is worth
on the street, man?
 
This is like $1,000.
 
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I know.
 
You've got to put that back, okay? Fuck!
 
We cannot afford to get busted
stealing nitrous.
 
Okay. So most of us think
that we should keep the nitrous,
 
sell it so we can finance the entire trip,
save Strange Wilderness.
 
And deep down inside so does Cheryl,
so it's unanimous.
 
Let's do it! This is gonna work out!
 
- Thank you, Cheryl!
- All right!
 
Are you guys feeling kind of weird?
 
All right! How are we feeling?
 
Oh, my head hurts so bad.
 
- This nitrous thing's empty.
- It is?
 
Well, there goes that thousand dollars
we were gonna make.
 
We're broke!
 
Yeah, this is it. Bill's place.
 
Where in the hell have you guys been?
You're three days late.
 
Wipe your feet.
 
Whoa, Bill. Going a little nuts up here?
 
Somebody's ready for Armageddon.
 
Look, I tried calling you guys.
 
- I sold the map.
- What? You sold it?
 
Well, I had to, to Pierson.
 
- Pierson?
- Pierson?
 
Oh, my God.
 
- Why'd you do it? We had a deal!
- You're three days late.
 
I didn't think you were coming.
You didn't call.
 
And like I told you back in the office,
I needed the money.
 
Wait, so, he's halfway
to finding Bigfoot by now.
 
- Yeah.
- Great! I can't believe it.
 
Bill, what did you need the money
so bad for?
 
Lithium and Darvon, Pete.
Depression eats at me day and night.
 
I live in a world of paranoia,
as you can tell.
 
I'm sorry, Pete.
 
It's okay, Bill. It's okay.
 
Hey, wait a minute.
 
Hold on a second.
 
I think I know a way to make
my paranoia pay off for you guys.
 
Go out and change clothes and come
back and I got something to show you.
 
- Okay.
- Yeah, this is gonna work out, I hope.
 
All right, here's the deal. I sold
Pierson the map, fair and square, right?
 
He's got a three-day head start,
he's got no complaints.
 
So nobody can say I can't give you guys
a copy of the map, now is there?
 
I'm gonna find you one.
 
See, at one point or another during the
day they were walking around here,
 
reading the map
under these security cameras.
 
Now all I gotta do is find it
and zoom in on it.
 
- Hey, did you see that?
- What?
 
That's just me saying goodbye
to the wife 'fore I went out hunting.
 
- Back that up.
- Okay.
 
What the hell's she doing?
 
Hey, that's Pierson,
and he's going into my bedroom.
 
God.
 
Oh, work it.
 
Oh, slice me off a piece of that.
I got a sweet tooth.
 
Oh, my God. I'll ask for second helpings
on that and still lick the plate...
 
Pierson is an asshole!
 
All right, all bets are off.
I'm gonna find you that map,
 
and you're gonna find Bigfoot before
that degenerate pervert bastard does.
 
- Yeah, we are.
- Come on, come on.
 
Walk to the camera like a good
little puppet now. All right, now.
 
Going to camera three.
 
There it is. There it is.
Now all I gotta do is zoom in on it and...
 
Bingo!
 
Pierson may have the map
and a three-days' head start,
 
but that won't be enough.
 
Thanks.
 
Because now you have the map and I'm
gonna give you a little something extra.
 
His name is Gus Hayden.
 
You are shitting me.
You know Bigfoot's name?
 
No, no, Pete.
This tracker, his name is Gus Hayden.
 
Now, Gus and I
were in Vietnam together.
 
He is the best that ever lived.
He's practically supernatural.
 
Now, if anybody can help you find
Bigfoot before these assholes,
 
it's Gus Hayden.
 
Now, he normally charges 3,000 bucks
but I'm gonna get him to do it for 500.
 
500.
 
We're at
 
- 14 bucks.
- What?
 
It's a long story, but,
yeah, we're broke, Bill.
 
Well, so am I or I'd loan you the money.
 
'Cause now you not only gotta find
Bigfoot to save your show,
 
you gotta find Bigfoot
to screw over Pierson.
 
I don't know
how you gonna raise that cash
 
but you gotta promise me one thing.
 
When you catch up to Pierson, you give
him a shot square in the face for me.
 
Shit, man. We can't raise 500 bucks.
 
Sounds like we're screwed.
 
That's great.
Trip's over before it even began.
 
Hey, Pete,
I got some great beaver footage.
 
- That's great. I gotta go take a leak.
- Yeah.
 
Look, we'll go into town
and, I don't know, do something.
 
Why, what's going on?
 
Money problems.
 
Hi there, little guys.
I didn't see you there.
 
Almost got you, huh?
 
Hey, where's mama turkey?
 
Oh, my God!
 
What's the turkey doing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
 
Oh, my God!
 
Oh, my God!
 
Oh, my God!
 
Look out!
 
It's surprising, really.
 
Now, its gag reflexes
should have kicked in by now.
 
Nurse, I want you to massage
the neck of the turkey
 
and let's see
if we can relax this little fella.
 
- Yes, Doctor.
- Junior, turn off the camera.
 
- Okay, I'll get another angle.
- Now relax. Just relax.
 
Oh, nice.
You got mad, good medical skills.
 
Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax.
 
Walk up the beak.
 
I spit in my hand when I do that.
 
Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me.
 
Doctor, he has an erection.
 
You need to stifle your sexual response.
 
You're only tightening yourself
inside its neck.
 
Doc, the nurse is fucking hot.
 
Can somebody else
do me, please? Fred?
 
Fuck that, dude.
 
- Whitaker?
- Whitaker, what?
 
What? You're the animal handler, man.
 
Bullshit, I was a car mechanic
last week, man.
 
Now, if you want me to change
the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that,
 
but I'm not gonna handle you.
 
I think a little shot of Demerol
ought to relax it.
 
That went right into my dick!
 
Well, that really
shouldn't have happened. Sorry.
 
Well, now that the Demerol's probably
coursing through your system,
 
it could complicate things.
 
Here's an idea.
 
Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate?
 
That might do it. It might
stimulate the turkey's gag reflex.
 
You want him
to piss that turkey off his hog?
 
Well, I mean,
put yourself in the turkey's position...
 
Doctor, I believe that this young turkey
hasn't yet come out of the closet.
 
So, if we could take a snapshot of it
getting gay with Peter here,
 
we can maybe threaten
to send it to his father.
 
And then he'll be like,
"No, don't tell my dad. "
 
And he'll stop blowing Peter.
 
Or we could chop his fucking head off.
 
Holy hell! He did!
 
He found our turkey!
 
We've been searching for her
for three months.
 
How in the hell
did she get caught up in this position?
 
Yeah, it's Maggie, all right.
 
You know what?
You guys can have her back
 
right after we chop her head off.
 
No, you can't kill it.
 
This bird is part of an ongoing
government study. We want her back.
 
Look, there is a $5,000 reward
for her alive.
 
$5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no.
Hold on a second.
 
Gentlemen.
 
Now that we have the map
 
and we're gonna get five grand
for this stupid bird here,
 
we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker.
 
Come on, everyone, jump in.
Let's yank this sucker right off.
 
- Did you just say yank?
- Yes, we did.
 
I'm gonna be gentle, but firm.
 
One, two, three.
 
Fucking Federales, dude.
 
I got weed on me.
I'll meet you on the other side.
 
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
 
Hold on. Back up here.
 
Excuse me.
 
Let us into Mexico, please?
 
Okay, so, thank you!
I guess I checked out, then.
 
Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up.
 
Well, guess we'll have to take a plane
the rest of the way.
 
Oh, well. Come on, let's go.
 
- Dude, what happened in there, man?
- Nothing. Really cool people.
 
So, come on, let's book.
 
What, really?
I mean, everything okay in there?
 
- 'Cause you look really pale.
- Yeah.
 
That's because I wear sun block,
you ass. Okay?
 
So, come on, let's grab that airplane
and get out of here.
 
- So, what happened in that room?
- Drop it.
 
- Drop what?
- Okay, look, they...
 
Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother.
Come on.
 
You guys, the plane's boarding.
Come on.
 
Hey guys, I need to tell you something.
 
What, you're quitting?
Come on, no, it's...
 
No, no, I'm not quitting.
It's actually the opposite.
 
I wanted to thank you guys.
 
I took this job 'cause I needed it,
but I also took it for other reasons.
 
I figured a trip into the jungle would
be a kind of a forced sobriety for me,
 
and that's something
I really need in my life.
 
My name's Bill W.
And I'm an alcoholic.
 
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi, Bill.
 
Because of that, I've never really fit in
anywhere, you know?
 
I want to tell you guys.
Couple days ago, I took my last drink.
 
And then I did yesterday, and, well,
God willing, this'll really be the last one.
 
'Cause we're going to the jungle and
I got some tough times ahead of me.
 
But you guys
have been really great to me.
 
And I just want to say that you've
really made me part of your family
 
and I wanna say thank you for that.
 
- That's so sweet.
- Thank you.
 
Whitaker, that is some of the finest
words I've ever heard in my life.
 
And just hearing them makes me feel
like I'm a better person.
 
So, fuck it, man. Take a bow.
 
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic. "
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
 
Strange Wilderness?
 
That's us.
I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them.
 
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
 
- It is so nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
 
Yeah, Bill told me
what Pierson did to his wife.
 
Bill's a good man.
Shouldn't have happened to him.
 
He's upset. That's why he asked me
to get you to Gus Hayden.
 
- That's great. Great.
- Now for the bad news.
 
Pierson's got about
a three-day jump on you.
 
- Oh, no.
- But, hey, don't worry about it.
 
We'll find him.
 
Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's
 
and we'll head out from there
and make up for lost time.
 
- All right.
- By the way, my name's Dick.
 
Dick what?
 
Just Dick.
 
Dick?
 
Dick.
 
Like Cher, but Dick?
 
Dick.
 
He's fucking... Who is this?
 
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
 
Gotta have more name than that, Dick.
 
Nope. Just Dick.
 
You say, "Dick," I come running.
 
You come where?
 
You like your name? You like Dick?
 
Do you ever let your dog
lick your name?
 
Yeah, do you like it?
 
Is your name Dick?
 
I don't wanna get started off
on the wrong foot with you guys.
 
Does your name ever shrink
if you go in cold water?
 
Snicker one more time, I'll kick
your balls up in your fucking neck.
 
- Check.
- 10-4.
 
Copy that.
 
Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here.
 
Right.
 
Does your name ever get hard
in the morning?
 
Shut the fuck up.
 
On our way to hook up
with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden,
 
we encountered many jungle animals,
including our furry relative,
 
the monkey.
 
Monkeys make up over 80%
of the world's monkey population.
 
Hundreds of ants are eaten each year
by monkeys.
 
Researchers believe
that these numbers would be far less,
 
if ants were the same size
or bigger than monkeys.
 
Wow, look at that.
Those balls are sensational.
 
To a lion,
these balls are called a "sack lunch. "
 
Over here,
we spot some South American gazelles.
 
This gazelle is eating a flower.
 
This lion is eating the gazelle.
 
But he'll probably spit out the flower.
 
These giraffes can't quit each other.
 
I think it would be a good idea to tie
your brand new jeans to their heads.
 
That way, your jeans
would get that distressed look.
 
These birds are saying howdy
to the zebra.
 
Actually, they're not saying howdy,
they're eating the shit out of him.
 
If we held a microphone up to the zebra
and he could talk like,
 
you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would
probably sound something like this,
 
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
 
"Did one of you just
shove your beak up my ass?"
 
All right. We'll walk from here.
 
All right, let's go, chop-chop.
It's about three clicks that way.
 
Stay on the trail. Follow me. Let's go.
 
Let's go!
 
All right. You're about to meet the
world's greatest tracker, Gus Hayden.
 
Welcome to paradise.
 
I hear we're gonna have a little fun.
 
I shoved my knife through
the top of his skull into his brain.
 
Then I grabbed my hand grenade,
pushed that into his head hole.
 
And I shoved him back down into the
tunnel and ran like hell.
 
Hey, Gus.
 
That was a great Vietnam story.
 
But I think...
You wanna let go of Fred there?
 
I think you're close to killing him.
 
Sorry, I forgot about you there, partner.
 
Anyway, the little gook bit me,
 
and that's how I got this scar
right here on this thumb.
 
Cool.
 
So, Gus, tell us,
what are we in store for tomorrow?
 
We'll break camp at 0600.
 
I want you all to understand that when
we head into the Coconga Wilderness,
 
we'll be going into a bad, dark place
 
where death is about as routine
as a change of pants.
 
Well, this crew here?
 
We've been through some
pretty hairy adventures of our own.
 
And I know you got that little scar
there on your thumb,
 
but we've gotten a few scars
over the years ourselves.
 
- Isn't that right, Fred?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
 
I mean, look at this one.
 
Eight years old. Fell off my bike.
 
Shit.
 
Check out this guy. See that?
 
I was doing some Bondo work
on a '67 Pontiac Sky Chief
 
and I was drunk, as usual,
and caught this on the hood ornament.
 
Nasty.
 
But... Hey, two days sober today, guys.
 
Thank you. Thank you very much.
 
Thank you. Thank you very much.
 
Well, I don't have any scars,
but I have this really great birthmark.
 
See?
 
You see this right here?
Dog bit me when I was a kid.
 
I was blowing in his face,
and he nipped...
 
Well, now.
You're talking scars, I got one for you.
 
About 10 years ago
 
I was scouting out a location
for a mining company in the Amazon,
 
when I was ambushed
by a tribe of Aloha pygmies.
 
They tied me to a post and did to me
what they do to all white men.
 
They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick.
Then they ran away.
 
My testicles unraveled down
to the ground.
 
I scooped up my testicles
from out of the dirt, rolled them up,
 
shoved them back into my sac,
and then sewed it shut myself.
 
Looks like a quilt. A ball quilt.
 
Okay, well...
 
I'd love to sit here
and swap some more scar stories,
 
but I'm all out.
 
I'm tired.
 
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah.
 
I'm gonna saw some logs, myself.
 
- Yeah.
- All right. All right.
 
Must have the worst nightmares ever.
 
Pete.
 
- Hey!
- What?
 
Dude, that tracker guy left,
and Cheryl ran off with him.
 
Cheryl? Cheryl!
 
What? She ran off with Gus Hayden?
 
She's gone, he's gone,
and all our shit's gone!
 
- Hey, you're probably in on it!
- No!
 
He left me just as stranded as you all.
 
He took my bunker jeep.
We got nothing!
 
- Shit! Why would Cheryl do this to us?
- No, no, no.
 
I saw her eyeing that fucking psycho
across the campfire last night.
 
Shit! Shit! God!
 
Shit! Shit!
 
God!
 
All right, calm down!
Everybody, just pull yourself together!
 
Bill, I need you to take an inventory
of everything that's left, okay? Go, now.
 
Okay. We got one sleeping bag,
 
so I think we're pretty much fucked.
 
No, I think we're gonna be okay.
I think we're great. Let's go find Bigfoot.
 
What aren't you hearing?
He took the map!
 
We can't find Bigfoot without a map!
 
Yeah, but we can't give up, okay?
We can't!
 
'Cause my dad wouldn't give up.
You know that. You knew him.
 
I mean, he'd always make it work out.
And I'm just like my dad!
 
All right. Okay.
I'll lead you through the jungle.
 
I'm going as far as Temescal,
but after that, you're on your own.
 
- Okay.
- That jungle is thick.
 
I don't think anybody's
ever even been in there.
 
You know, you should quit now,
while you're alive.
 
Nope. Not on my watch.
 
Guys?
 
I don't wanna die.
 
For the first time in 11 years,
I'm seeing the world through sober eyes
 
and it's exhilarating.
 
See, I have so much to live for
right now.
 
I want to find a nice girl
and settle down and have kids
 
and dance with them in the moonlight
and everything.
 
I want to do it all, you know?
 
Fucking beautiful. Take a bow, man.
 
He was like, "I'm wearing a blue shirt
and I'm sad in my heart. "
 
I didn't think you were gonna do that!
 
Okay! Cooker, you need to...
 
Is that a thong you're wearing?
 
What the fuck did you say?
 
Do you have a thong on?
 
Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.
 
I'll get the sleeping bag.
 
Dick, there any snakes in this shit,
or what?
 
Don't worry about fucking snakes.
 
Fuck you, dude.
 
Shit, a porcupine.
 
Hey. Hey!
 
I think it stopped. I think it stopped.
 
- Oh, God. This is insane.
- All right.
 
No. It's gonna be okay, I think.
It's gonna be okay.
 
Come on, let's just keep moving.
It'll be okay.
 
- What the fuck was that?
- Just keep going. It's gonna be fine.
 
- Come on.
- Hey, come on!
 
Guys, guys, guys, just a monkey.
It's just a monkey.
 
Jesus.
 
- You guys!
- Oh, shit!
 
I have been tracking you for hours.
Why did you leave me back there?
 
Well, we thought you ran off
with Gus Hayden.
 
You really think I'd do that?
 
Yeah.
 
Gross.
 
I'd wanna fuck even you guys
before I'd wanna fuck him.
 
- Hey.
- All right.
 
You guys, I woke up
and he was stealing all our stuff,
 
so I pretended like
I wanted to go with him
 
and I convinced him to give me this.
 
The map.
 
You convinced him?
 
What'd you have to do?
 
Just a little something. Okay?
 
I took one for the team.
 
I have a map.
 
- Me, too. I got a map.
- I got a bunch of maps.
 
I have an atlas.
 
I have some old Civil War maps
that are worth quite a bit.
 
I have a map of the moon.
It's like... You can feel it.
 
I got a whole map store.
Maps everywhere.
 
If we get back to the RV,
I got a Thomas Guide.
 
Like a hundred pages of maps.
 
Come here, you guys!
 
Just kidding. I don't have a map.
 
I'll tell you, I will be damned.
I will just be damned.
 
You know, with that map
and my jungle survival skills,
 
just might be able
to help you find Bigfoot after all.
 
Yeah!
 
Dick! Dick! Dick!
 
- We love Dick!
- Yes, we are.
 
Yes, we are. First, though,
we gotta cross the Mohate River.
 
We're almost there.
 
Just straight that way.
Okay, you're doing great, Fred.
 
- Thank you, thank you.
- You're doing great.
 
- Cooker, I'm proud of you.
- Hey, Dick. I'm proud of you in turn.
 
You're the best. You're the best.
 
Now, I know a secret quick way through
this jungle,
 
and we can get to the rocky cliffs
and maybe cut off Pierson.
 
Now, here's what you're gonna do.
 
What the... Oh, God!
 
Don't come in here! No! Stay out!
 
Oh, Dick!
 
Here's another one
of those piranha bastards.
 
Fucking eat all these fucking stupid fish.
 
We were gonna make it,
and then these bastards ate Dick!
 
- How's it feel to get eaten, fish fuckers?
- Yeah!
 
- How's it feel to get eaten?
- Stupid... Stupid fish!
 
You think we'd just let you get away
with eating Dick,
 
you sons-of-bitches,
pieces of river trash!
 
Fuck you! Fuck you!
 
Hey, wait a minute.
 
These are the fish that ate Dick, right?
 
Yeah!
 
All right, just go with me here.
 
If Dick is in the fishes,
and we're eating the fishes,
 
doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?
 
What the fuck?
 
- It's gonna be okay! Come on! Fred.
- No!
 
Not one single thing has gone our way!
 
And I guarantee you
Pierson found Bigfoot's cave days ago.
 
Come on, Fred!
Don't be so negative, okay?
 
Come on...
Our luck is gonna change, I can feel it.
 
Oh, my God.
 
You guys have to come with me.
I think I found something.
 
- It's Pierson's team.
- Holy crap.
 
Fred. Get over here, Fred.
 
Mr. Wah I'm So Bummed Out.
Pierson's Gonna Find Bigfoot First...
 
I don't think so, buddy!
Looks like our luck is changing.
 
We came out on top! Come on!
 
Oh, yeah. Oh, right. This is tragic.
 
Amen. Okay,
let's gather up their equipment, guys.
 
Sweet axe.
 
Gentle clouds of Nazareth
 
Massacred in Ecuador
 
Life's too fucking short
Ask that guy
 
Hey, that's Sky Pierson.
 
- Oh, my God!
- Gaulke.
 
- Hey.
- Gaulke.
 
Hi, Sky. Wow, long time no see.
 
So...
 
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
I just had some bad fish.
 
So, what happened here?
 
Attacked.
 
Coconga pygmies.
 
Horrible.
 
Hey, Sky,
 
could you feel this?
 
Dude.
 
What are you poking him for, man?
The guy's dying.
 
His upper half of his body
is not connected to his lower half.
 
- Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. What?
- Hey, Pete, Pete.
 
You gonna punch him in the face
like Bill asked?
 
Oh, shit. Forgot about that.
 
It's your call.
 
Oh, man. I don't know.
I'm kind of on the fence about it.
 
It's not like he's in any position
to punch you back.
 
Fred, it has nothing to do with fear.
 
I mean, don't you think it's a little
excessive, punching him in the face?
 
He's missing the lower half of his body.
 
Gaulke.
 
- Hey, we're back.
- Gaulke, you still here?
 
Yeah, we're here.
 
Hey, the cavalry has arrived.
 
Sky.
 
Oh, Sky.
 
Let's go.
 
Pick up what you can carry,
especially the camera equipment.
 
Let's get the hell out of here.
 
See, I could've sworn
these are the markings!
 
They're right there on the map.
 
Well, then, where the hell is the cave?
It says it's on the map, but it's not there!
 
Hey, does anyone else
get the feeling that,
 
like, we've been going in circles
for a while?
 
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fucking shit!
 
Shit!
 
Fuck! Such a fuck up!
 
Give me that fucking map!
 
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
 
You said that Bill Calhoun
took a real picture of the map, right?
 
Yeah, Pierson was holding it
in his hands.
 
Okay. Bill was using
two security cameras.
 
It's a mirror image. Look at the "N".
The map got printed out backwards.
 
Flip the picture.
 
Cheryl, you are a genius!
 
Okay, so wait.
So all the directions are reversed.
 
So then that means
that the cave is not here.
 
It's gonna be over, around here.
Come on, let's go!
 
That's it.
 
That's the cave. It's gotta be. Map.
 
See? Turn the map.
 
Rock formation fits with the hill.
That cave is his cave.
 
How do we know he's in there?
 
I can feel him. Okay, come on.
 
We're gonna move closer,
but stealthily, like that of a cheetah.
 
Oh, my God, I can hear him.
He's in there. Holy God. Okay.
 
This is probably the most important
wildlife discovery of our time,
 
and we're gonna chronicle it.
 
Okay.
 
Okay, over there. Cross, cross.
 
This is crazy.
 
Okay, set up the camera.
 
Okay, listen up.
Here's what's gonna happen.
 
I'm gonna do an intro throw announce,
 
and then we're gonna
slowly steal inside
 
and catch this amazing creature
in his natural habitat, okay?
 
Okay, ready?
 
Oh, remember. Okay, listen. Junior!
 
- Listen.
- I am.
 
Do not spook him, okay?
 
He is probably very,
very frightened of us.
 
- Okay.
- Okay.
 
I got sound if you wanna go.
 
Ready, rolling.
 
And five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Talking now.
 
Hi. I'm Peter Gaulke,
and this is Strange Wilderness.
 
Camped here, waiting to film Bigfoot.
 
That's right, you heard me, Bigfoot.
 
Animals have long been known
as animals, not human,
 
and have been described as stupid,
cowardly, aggressive, dimwitted,
 
low beasts, eager to kill, eager to eat,
eager to fornicate,
 
eager to stampede all...
 
But is it animals we describe,
or is it mankind?
 
Perhaps this Bigfoot creature can
bridge the divide between us and them.
 
Perhaps his gentle ways can teach us,
remind us
 
that peace and harmony
are necessary if mankind is to survive.
 
What?
 
Oh, fuck!
 
Hey...
 
Does anybody remember what that
big bastard said before he came at us?
 
I think he said, "Huh?"
Like he wasn't sure what was going on.
 
- No. It was more of a growl.
- Yeah, totally.
 
Actually, you know what?
It was more like a death growl.
 
It was like, "I'm gonna kill you. "
I mean, I heard that.
 
- Yeah, no, I did, too. Yeah.
- Yeah.
 
I heard it, too.
 
- Didn't I?
- Yeah. No. Oh, yeah.
 
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's what he said, man.
 
I've just, you know,
I've just never killed anything before.
 
But it was in self-defense, so...
 
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. The lady's right.
 
This mythological beast
was engineered by the French.
 
Fuck, I was so blind to not see it before.
 
It was designed by the French
in the early '50s
 
to fuck and eventually
kill American people.
 
He would've come
and fucking killed all of us.
 
You know what?
 
Like, if a mosquito is buzzing
around your ear, do you let it go?
 
Like, "Keep on bothering me
and, like, sting me
 
"and let me get West Nile Virus?"
 
No, you fucking smack it, like we did.
 
Only we did it with guns.
 
- I don't know, guys. I mean...
- What?
 
Well, I mean...
 
- Fuck him, right?
- Yeah.
 
That prick deserved to die, right?
Big, hairy, carnivore son-of-a-bitch.
 
You see the way he came at us,
all up in our face and all...
 
Fucking fuck you, you fuck.
 
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
 
Fucking cocktease.
 
But, you know, I've been thinking.
 
Maybe it's not the best way
to end our show, though?
 
You know, actually killing Bigfoot?
 
Yeah.
 
Probably not gonna fly
with the TV station.
 
Peter, I have a little idea.
 
Those sharks
ate the living shit out of me,
 
like my leg was a fucking piece of corn
on the cob with butter on it.
 
I was yelling at them
that I wasn't no seal.
 
"Hey, it's me, Danny-boy!"
 
But they didn't understand
my human language.
 
So I got this fake leg now.
 
The doc comes in my room,
and he asks me what kind I want.
 
What the fuck?
 
It turns out he's talking about
the wood or some shit.
 
Mahogany, pine, or balsa?
 
So, that gets me thinking,
"I should put a jackhammer on there,
 
"so when I walk up the sidewalk
I could bust up the cement. "
 
Okay. All right, listen up, everybody.
 
We're gonna have him eating out
of our hands when he sees this. This.
 
The television show of the century, huh?
 
Yeah.
 
- Bring it.
- Let's do it.
 
- High five!
- Good luck.
 
We were all shivering with excitement
as we carefully moved in
 
for the first ever contact
with the legendary Bigfoot.
 
What we found inside the cave
shocked us all.
 
Apparently, the Bigfoot
had been experiencing depression
 
and hung himself.
 
Forced to live like an animal
in a cold dark cave,
 
I imagine any one of us
would've done the same thing.
 
Unlike that dude on fire
at the peace rally,
 
we sprung into action
to revive the Bigfoot.
 
But it was too late.
 
It made me feel so crappy.
 
And so ended our fantastic adventure,
"The Search for Bigfoot. "
 
Join us next week
for a show about beavers.
 
Are you insane?
 
Did someone drop a safe on your head?
 
That's the craziest shit I've ever seen!
 
- Hey, quit shoving me, man!
- Yeah, what's that?
 
Man, you've been a dick since day one!
 
- Yeah? Fuck you!
- Get out, assholes!
 
- Fuck you, Judy.
- Yeah.
 
You know what? This is all because of
you and your stupid idea
 
about faking Bigfoot's suicide.
 
You know, I should've never listened...
I should've never hired you!
 
That's the most un-American thing
I've ever heard in my life.
 
Excuse me, could you keep it down?
 
Hey, sweetheart, we're having
a private company meeting here.
 
So why don't you keep it down, okay?
 
Hey, hey, we're in the middle
of a fucking conversation,
 
you turn around to hit on some chick.
 
Hey, why you all up in my waist, man?
You feeling froggy, huh?
 
- Why don't you take a leap?
- I can't. That's fucked up.
 
You shouldn't talk to someone like that.
 
You stone-wasted half-man party punk!
Shut the...
 
Whoa, seriously, man. Come on,
he's pathetic. Take it easy on him.
 
Fuck you, Cheech.
You suck as a soundman, dude.
 
You stupid fuck. Go buy some sandals.
Go buy some sandals.
 
You want to fight? I'll fight your fight.
I haven't fought in 10 years.
 
I'm fighting tonight.
 
What you got? What you got?
Let's see. Throw down, bitch.
 
Throw down, bitch.
 
Hey, you know what? He's right, Fred!
 
You suck as a soundman, okay...
 
All right, that's it. I'm calling security.
 
Oh, no, honey,
you are not calling security.
 
- You understand me?
- Hey! Hey!
 
And that is the whole ridiculous story.
 
No, I haven't seen anybody in,
like, over a year.
 
You know, things were said.
 
I think they're a lot better off
without me around anyway.
 
I'm such a failure. Oh, shit.
 
Hey, thanks for listening, okay?
 
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Great. Bye.
 
Nobody's home!
 
Pete.
 
You know
when you yell out "Nobody's home,"
 
people know you're home
because otherwise
 
who the hell would be yelling out
"Nobody's home. "
 
Brought out a smile.
 
Well, you won't return my calls,
 
so I thought I'd personally
hand-deliver a hello.
 
No, I just couldn't hold it all together.
 
You know what I've always been
wanting to tell you,
 
all the times you have
beaten yourself up...
 
Times were different then. It was easier.
 
You know something?
 
Your old man
could never have survived today.
 
I loved your dad, you know that,
 
but he didn't have the tenacity
and the heart that you have.
 
You were born into a wildlife family.
 
Like your old man used to say,
"All it takes is one good idea. "
 
Yeah, he used to always say that.
 
With one good idea
anything can happen.
 
- But it's up to you.
- Yeah.
 
What do you say?
 
I say, "Let's do it. "
 
- Pete Gaulke's back!
- Yeah. Right.
 
You know what? Thanks, man.
I mean, I really get...
 
- Hey, do you mind if I tap a bowl first?
- Go ahead.
 
You know, because... Where's it?
 
You know,
I have a bunch of great ideas,
 
and they seem like great ideas
for about 10 minutes,
 
and then I'm sitting here for a while
and all of a sudden they seem stale.
 
And then I forget about them,
I don't write them down anymore...
 
I mean, I think what I need to do is
really kind of...
 
Oh, God. That little guy is gonna think
he's a shark.
 
Hey, wait a minute.
 
What a hell of an idea for a show.
 
A show about sharks, huh?
 
- One good idea.
- Good idea!
 
Yeah, buddy!
 
All right.
 
Hot Dog Hell, can I help you?
 
Yeah, I need six hotdogs,
I need six cokes,
 
and the best damn soundman
in the business.
 
I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.
 
I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.
 
Pete! Holy shit, man. You know what?
 
I've been going through it in my head.
 
Fifty different ways
on how to apologize to you
 
for what I said that day, man.
 
We're all sorry
about all the stuff we said.
 
Hey, man, the world keeps turning,
you know?
 
Hey, dads may die
and you may miss him every day,
 
but you still have your friends.
 
That was beautiful, man. Take a bow.
 
Asshole!
 
Why are they using such bad language?
 
Yeah, I called Lawson,
and he was mad at first.
 
He said, Bigfoot thing
was the craziest thing he ever saw.
 
Well, then he never saw R. Kelly's
Trapped in a Fucking Closet!
 
But he said
if we could get a shark attack on film,
 
he'd put us back on the air.
 
So get in the fucking car and let's go!
 
Get in there!
 
Excuse me. I didn't say... Hey, hey, hey!
 
Hi, Ed, how are you?
 
We got a shark episode
with a shark attack.
 
Hi, I'm Peter Gaulke
and this is Strange Wilderness.
 
The ocean. Many words
have been used to describe it.
 
And now you can add one more.
Dangerous.
 
Why? The shark.
 
It was one year ago today,
 
that Danny was brutally attacked
on this very spot
 
by one of these killing machines.
 
In today's show, we'll be taking
a close look at this mysterious creature
 
that should be named
"the asshole of the sea. "
 
Menacing and terrifying,
 
the shark has been menacing
and terrifying for over a decade.
 
Sharks can only be found
in two places on earth,
 
the Northern
and Southern Hemispheres.
 
This shark is called a Hammerhead
because his head looks like a hammer.
 
These sharks
are attacking Nicole Richie.
 
Yes, the shark is a... What the fuck!
 
Look at that thing's teeth.
 
Okay, you guys ready?
 
I've never been more ready
in my fucking life.
 
It's like that shark was gnawing on me
like a rawhide stick.
 
- This one's for you, Danny.
- How old are those?
 
Three weeks old.
 
For you, Danny.
 
Oh, my God, it's gonna come up.
 
Give me that shit.
 
All right, let's do this.
Fred, lower the steak.
 
All right, come on. Let's do this.
 
That's him. That's that same fucker.
 
There's a fin. I see a fin.
 
- I see it, too.
- Hey, shark!
 
We got something for you,
you fucking asshole!
 
Oh, my God, he's...
 
That was awesome.
 
Fuck you, motherfucker!
How did that shit taste?
 
That did it.
 
Pete...
 
Pete, people love shark attacks.
 
Besides, Pierson's dead,
so you're back on the air.
 
Besides, Pierson's dead,
so you're back on the air.
 
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Paramount Pictures Transcripts