Episode 502: Loretta Swit/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 502: Loretta Swit.
==Cold Open==
 	Pops reads the paper. Loretta enters with a trunk.
Pops 	Who are you?
Loretta	I'm Loretta Swit.
 	
Pops 	Loretta Swit, our guest star!
Loretta	Yes.
Pops 	Internationally acclaimed actress!
Loretta	(blushes) Oh, well … yes.
Pops 	Star of M*A*S*H! Aw, brilliant comedienne!
Loretta	(chuckles) You're very sweet.
Pops 	(hands her a key) Dressing room #3. Sweep the floor when you're through, and try not to dirty the towel.
Loretta	(to the viewer) I'm beginning to wonder about this show. When my contract arrived, it was written in crayon.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Loretta Swit! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo blows the trumpet and his head explodes, clean from his body. It appears again on the side and lets out a hearty laugh.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's gonna be a wonderful show, because tonight's guest is the lovely star of the M*A*S*H TV series, a brilliant comedienne, a great movie actress, Miss Loretta Swit! (audience oohs) Yes! But while we're waiting to meet our invited guest, let's look in on some other guests who weren't invited.
 	
 	Animals wearing bowler hats sing "Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens" in a barn, holding two chickens captive and blindfolded. When the farmer (played by Gonzo) gets wind of the situation, he sends in a team of chickens with guns to clear the place out.
 	
Gonzo 	Get 'em, girls! Save the hens! Save the hens!
 	Applause.
Waldorf	What'd you think of that?
Statler	I liked it.
Waldorf	Oh! You … (bangs his head on the railing) … you liked that?!?
Statler	No, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said I did. (laughs)
Waldorf	Awww …
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Okay, nice opening number. Chickens, check your guns.
Gonzo 	(runs after the chickens) Oh, can I help?! Hahahaha!
Miss Piggy 	Kermie! Kermie!
Kermit 	Hm?
Miss Piggy 	I have a surprise for you.
Kermit 	Yeah? What's that?
Photographer	Hold it.
 	
 	Piggy poses for a picture with Kermit. *Click!*
Photographer	Thanks.
Miss Piggy 	Thank you! Haha!
Kermit 	Uh, what was that all about?
Miss Piggy 	Um, uh, nothing. Bye! Hahaha! (trots off)
Kermit 	How can I run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that all the time?
Scooter 	Congratulations, chief.
Kermit 	On what?
Scooter 	Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the big cover story of that big gossip paper, Tongue Magazine!
Kermit 	(gasp)
Scooter 	Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas. (runs off)
Kermit 	Huh?!? Piggy! Piggy?!?
Miss Piggy 	Y'y'yes, mon cherie?
Kermit 	Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Miss Piggy 	(stammering) Uh — what would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit 	The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Miss Piggy 	(sheepish) Oh. Uh-huh. Well, it was just a little, teeny tiny item.
Kermit 	It was a cover story about us being secretly married!!
Miss Piggy 	Well — it was a slight exaggeration …
 	
Kermit 	(outraged) That's a BALD-FACED LIE, Piggy!!
Miss Piggy 	Well - you know, we are close…
Kermit 	I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy!!
Miss Piggy 	…that is not dumb…
Kermit 	(cont'd) You have done that to me TOO MANY TIMES, Piggy!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!!
Miss Piggy 	Wuh — what are you going to do?
 	
Kermit 	I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Piggy! I'm going to fire you! Piggy, you are fired! You are fired, Piggy! You are fired! Fired! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy 	You're kidding.
Kermit 	I am not kidding!
Miss Piggy 	But — I'm in the next number!
Kermit 	I will cancel — (into the intercom) cancel the next number! Put on the Snorers Chorus instead! Snorers! Snorers Chorus! Get the Snorers Chorus on stage! Get out there! You guys, get out there!
 	Beauregard and Beaker carry a bed full of sleepers onto the stage. Musical snoring is soon heard.
Miss Piggy 	Well, hold it, wait! Wait a minute! Wait, that's my — that's my number!
Kermit 	What?
Miss Piggy 	You can't fire me. I'm the star!
Kermit 	You can be replaced, Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh? Oh, I see! Just try! Try! Try, frog!
Kermit 	I will! I will! I will replace you.
Miss Piggy 	Ha! ... Ha!
Scooter 	Boss, the Snorers are gonna put the audience to sleep!
Kermit 	(stammers) Well, so uh …
Miss Piggy 	See? See?
Kermit 	I'll, I'll introduce Loretta. (shoves Scooter) Get out there! Eighty-six the Snorers!
Scooter 	Okay, chief.
Kermit 	Snorers, get off the stage! (looks behind him) Yeesh!
 	Beaker and Beauregard carry the bed back.
Miss Piggy 	He must be kidding. How can he fire me?
Snorer 	Don't ask me. I was asleep.
=="I Feel the Earth Move"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters, scowling.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and ge — (changes his tone) — and now, ladies and gentlemen, here in a salute to the San Andreas fault, miss Loretta Swit! Yaaaay!
 	
 	Loretta plays a seismologist singing "I Feel the Earth Move" as Thog destroys a small city. When the number ends, Gonzo greets her as she walks through the wings.
Gonzo 	Oh, that was terrific, Loretta!
Loretta	Thank you, Gonzo. You're sweet.
Gonzo 	Oh, I haven't laughed so much since I saw Earthquake!
Loretta	… Sweet, but sick.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and Piggy argue.
Kermit 	I said I hate long goodbyes!
Miss Piggy 	So what?
Kermit 	SO LONG!
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Ha! Ha! Oh yeah?
Loretta 	Well, the earthquake number went fine.
Kermit 	(to Loretta) Oh, good.
Miss Piggy 	(to Kermit) I tell you, I do not need this show! I have a whole world waiting out there for moi!
Kermit 	Well, don't keep 'em waiting!
Miss Piggy 	Oh! I have musical comedy offers, press conferences, film offers …
Kermit 	The last film you were ever offered was Lardo Sings the Blues!!
Loretta 	(tries to break up their bickering) Oh, oh, no, no — kids! Kids! No no no no no, let's discuss this like grownups!
Kermit 	Uh, well, you don't discuss it like grownups when you're talking to a pig! You don't discuss it like grownups! Not you, boy, not you!
Miss Piggy 	(speaking over Kermit) Grownups?! I can't listen — talking to a frog! Croak! Croak! Croak goes a frog!
Loretta 	Quiet!
 	
Loretta 	Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.
Miss Piggy 	(smug nod) Hmm!
Kermit 	Not without a forklift I can't!
 	Loretta holds Piggy close.
Miss Piggy 	Very funny, wart-boy!
Kermit & Piggy	(sneering at each other) Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Loretta 	Now listen to me! Who do you think you could get to play those scenes with the same verve and, and talent, and pizazz?
Miss Piggy 	Talent! Pizazz!
Kermit 	Well, in Vet's Hospital, I was hoping you would.
 	Loretta gasps, drops Piggy and grabs Kermit excitedly.
Loretta 	I'd love to!
Kermit 	(spitefully) Well, good!
Loretta 	Oh, do you think the costume would fit me?
Kermit 	Sure! Oh of course! Yes! (leads Loretta away) Anybody can play this part!
Stranger 	(walks up to Piggy) Excuse me, do you work here?
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Say, isn't someone missing?
Janice 	Okay. Isn't someone missing?
Rowlf 	Ooh! (laughs out loud)
 	
Loretta 	Hello! I'm nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for nurse Piggy.
Rowlf 	Well, uhh, if you're here to fill in for nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out! (chuckles)
Janice 	Ohh hoho, rully.
Loretta 	Is that some kind of a fat joke?
Rowlf 	Uh, yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny kind. (chuckles)
Janice 	Fer sure.
Loretta 	Well, shall we get started?
Rowlf 	Not yet. I'm not sure you're qualified for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.
Loretta 	Oh …
Janice 	Well, she might be. I think I've seen her face somewhere else.
Loretta 	Oh, that couldn't be. My face has always been right where it is.
Rowlf & Janice	(groan)
Rowlf 	You've just qualified! (Loretta chuckles) Have you got the instruments?
Loretta 	Yes, doctor. Scalpel, sutures …
Rowlf 	Have you got clamps?
Loretta 	Uh, no. My stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps.
Rowlf & Janice	(groan)
Janice 	Rully!
Rowlf 	I think you're over-qualified. (chuckles)
Janice 	Say! I just remembered where I saw your face! It was on a show called M*A*S*H!
Loretta 	That's right.
Janice 	Dumb name for a show, M*A*S*H.
Rowlf 	Oh, I don't know. My uncle, a sled dog, was on a show called M*U*S*H. (chuckles)
Janice 	(groan)
Loretta 	Did it have a long run?
Rowlf 	Yes, thanks to the eskimo with the whip! (chuckles)
Janice 	Oh, rully.
 	They all look up as they hear the announcer.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …
Rowlf 	Wait a minute! We haven't had a patient yet!
Loretta 	That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh yet, either.
Rowlf & Janice	(groan, laughing)
==UK Spot==
 	Backstage, Rowlf has gathered Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Scooter and some of the Muppet gang, who warm up their voices.
Rowlf 	Okay. Okay, everybody. Ready? Scooter.
Scooter 	Sorry.
Rowlf 	Yes, okay, now let's rehearse it one more time before Miss Piggy comes out.
Gonzo 	Good. Yes.
Rowlf 	Okay, good. Ready? Here we go. (leads them)
 	
Muppets 	
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 
And days of auld lang syne.
Rowlf 	Nice. That was very pretty.
Fozzie 	Yeah. Piggy will really like that.
Gonzo 	Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it be, (sings) And days of auld lang swine?
 	They all chortle.
Scooter 	Joker!
Rowlf 	Now, now be serious, guys. Because Piggy's been with us for a long time, and when she goes, well, it'll be very sad.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Gonzo 	True.
Scooter 	That's true
Floyd 	On the other hand, when she goes, she takes her dog with her!
Fozzie 	Foo-foo! Yeah. We'll be rid of Foo-foo!
 	They all nod in excitement.
Rowlf 	That's right, that's right, it is "so long" to the hog's dog! (chuckles)
 	They all cheer.
Floyd 	Dog, ha ha ha! That dog is man's best fiend!
 	They all laugh.
Scooter 	Yeah, hey, Rowlf, the guys and I know another song for Piggy.
Rowlf 	What's that?
Scooter 	For she's a jolly good porker,
Scooter & Muppets	
For she's a jolly good porker, 
For she's a jolly good porker …
 	Piggy comes out of her dressing room and sees them singing.
 	
Muppets 	
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 
And days of auld lang syne.
Miss Piggy 	(close to tears) How terribly sweet of … of you all! I … I don't know what to … oh! (runs back into her dressing room)
Muppets 	… which nobody can deny!
 	They all cheer and laugh.
Gonzo 	¡Arriba!
=="Some of These Days"==
 	In her dressing room, Piggy sings, close to tears, as Foo-foo watches.
 	200px
Miss Piggy	
Some of these days,
You'll miss me, Kermie.
Some of these days,
You'll feel so lonely.
 	
Miss Piggy	
You'll miss my hugging.
You'll miss my kisses.
You'll miss me, honey,
When I'm away.
 	She looks at Kermit's picture and packs it into a suitcase, along with other possessions. She gets into the song as the tempo picks up.
Miss Piggy	
You'll feel so lonely.
Just for me, only.
For you know, Kermie … 
Ha, you've had your way!
And when I leave you,
You know, it'll grieve you.
You know you're gonna miss Miss Piggy,
Ha! Some of these days. Oh yeah! Ha!
You're gonna miss Miss Piggy, ha!
Some of these daaaaaaaays!
 	She exits the dressing room as the song concludes, leaving Foo-foo behind. Applause. She re-enters.
Miss Piggy	One more time!
 	The music resumes as a spotlight shines on her. She gives a show-stopping reprise.
Miss Piggy	
And when I leaaaaave you, HA HA!
You know, its gonna grieeeeeeve you!
You know you're gonna miss, miss, miss Miss Piggy,
Some of these daaaaaaaays! Ha!
 	Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sits at his desk. He looks up and glances at Piggy leaving with her suitcase.
Miss Piggy	Goodbye, dressing rooms. (walks down the stairs, grunting) Goodbye, walls. … Goodbye, crummy stairs. (sets her suitcase down) Uh, Foo-foo! Come to mommykins! Foo-foo! Ahem. Kermit? Oh, Foo-foo? Wait for the bus.
Foo-foo 	Woof! (walks away)
Miss Piggy	Kermit. Ahem. We are departing.
Kermit 	Good.
Miss Piggy	We just have time to discuss, once more, you and I, as adult mature people, why I resigned.
Kermit 	You did not resign. You were dismissed. You were given the boot, discharged, sacked, you were fired!
Miss Piggy	(a beat) There are many reasons why I resigned.
Kermit 	Aargh.
Miss Piggy	Sometimes, sometimes things just don't work out between people. Even though those … people might … care deeply about you.
Kermit 	Oh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? (gets close to him) Oh, Kermie. How quickly your anger is gone.
Kermit 	Well. Maybe.
Miss Piggy	You've forgotten all about that silly old gossip column item, hmm?
Kermit 	It was a cover story, Piggy! It was a cover story that said that we were secretly married!
 	Scooter passes by.
Kermit 	Scooter! Scooter, would you go up and ask Loretta if she would take Piggy's part in Pigs in Space?
 	Loretta, way ahead of Kermit, emerges in a Swinetrek outfit.
Loretta 	I'd love to!
 	
 	Piggy gasps. Kermit giggles.
Miss Piggy	I'll get even for this! I am leaving!
Kermit 	Good!
 	Loretta and Kermit get affectionate when she comes downstairs. Piggy watches in disgust.
Loretta 	Oh, Kermit! I'm so happy to be working avec vous!
Kermit 	Ohh, avec moi? (chuckles)
Loretta 	I'm so happy you asked me to be in Pigs in Space, you little froggy-woggy!
Kermit 	Oh, yeah, heh …
Loretta 	Oh, well, I'm all ready! Wish me luck! Kissy-kissy, Kermie!
Kermit 	Oh, yeah, heh …
 	They both head for the stage.
Miss Piggy	I'll get even for this! I'm staying!
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may recall, our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode. Or this one either.
 	Link emerges, covered in ladies' undergarments. Strangepork chuckles.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Why, Linky-poo, how defined you look. Hee-hee-hee-hee!
Link Hogthrob 	Don't be disrespectful, Strangepork. These are not mine. I was attacked by them. (struggles to remove them)
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be?
Link Hogthrob 	(on the intercom) First Mate Piggy, report to the bridge on the double!
 	The door opens, revealing Loretta in costume with a false snout.
 	
Loretta 	Yes … yes, Captain Hogthrob? What is the matter?
Link Hogthrob 	Uh … uh, can we try that again without the nose?
Loretta 	(takes it off) You mean the snout's out?
Link Hogthrob 	(nods) Much better. Now listen, First Mate Piggy.
Loretta 	Yes?
Link Hogthrob 	You must stop hanging your things to drip dry in the shower!
Loretta 	Really? (Link nods) And whose is this?
 	She holds up a girdle. Link gasps.
Link Hogthrob 	Where did you get that?
Loretta 	Right where you left it.
Link Hogthrob 	Ah — that's a lie! I never saw it before in my life!
Loretta 	Then why did your mom sew your name tag in it?
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh! (grabs it)
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	It is your name, Linky.
Link Hogthrob 	Well! I'm the captain. I have to look my best.
Miss Piggy 	All right, Swit! I'm back and I'm taking over!
Loretta 	(hugs Piggy) Oh, I'm so glad you're back! How we missed you. I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun, but oh, you belong here.
Miss Piggy 	Really?
Loretta 	Oh, yes! Pigs in Space is nothing without you. (they hug again)
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Loret. Ohhh…
Loretta 	I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.
Kermit 	Oh, wait a second! I did not rehire her! Pig, get off this stage!
Miss Piggy 	I will not!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, this is terrible! We've been invaded by a little green monster!
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Worse than that - we've got two First Mate Piggies!
Kermit 	Listen! Listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off!
Miss Piggy 	Yeah? You and whose army?
Kermit 	I don't need an army to throw you off this stage, Pig! No I don't!
Miss Piggy 	(dodging Kermit behind Loretta) Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
Loretta 	Hold it, hold it, hold it, everybody, hold it!
Kermit 	What?
Loretta 	Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show.
Kermit 	Well …
Loretta 	And Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
Miss Piggy 	(pause) Well …
Loretta 	(hugs them both) Oh, so, come on now, let's, let's sing a nice, warm … lovely together song. Huh?
Kermit 	I hate sappy songs like that.
Loretta 	All right then, why don't you two just kiss and make up? (a beat)
Kermit 	Well, let's sing the sappy song. (music begins)
Miss Piggy 	You don't make it easy, frog.
Loretta 	
Isn't it warm? Isn't it cozy?
Side by side …
Miss Piggy 	(grumpy) By side.
Loretta 	
Ports in a storm, comfy and cozy,
Side by side …
 	The tension between Kermit and Piggy slowly melts as they sing.
Kermit 	
… by side.
Everything shines.
Miss Piggy 	
How sweet.
Side by side…
Kermit 	…by side.
 	
Loretta & Piggy 	
Parallel lines, who meet.
Side by side…
Kermit 	
…by side.
Everyone winks. Nobody's nosy.
Kermit & Piggy 	Side by side…
Miss Piggy 	…by side.
Loretta 	You bring the drinks, and I'll bring the posy,
Kermit, Piggy & Loretta	Side by side…
Kermit & Piggy 	…by side.
Loretta 	One's impossible.
Kermit 	Two is dreary.
Miss Piggy 	Three is company, bright and cheery.
Loretta 	Side…
Kermit 	…by side…
Miss Piggy 	…by side!
Loretta 	(hugs her) Welcome back, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Thank you!
Loretta 	Oh, we've missed you so! Tell her how much we missed her, go on, Kermit, go ahead, please.
Miss Piggy 	Tell me.
Kermit 	Well … what would we do without you? Huh?
Loretta 	Oh ...!
 	The cast comes in.
Loretta & Muppets 	
What would we do without you?
How would we ever get through?
Floyd 	Who would I complain to for hours?
Gonzo 	
Who'd bring me the flowers
When I had the flu?
Loretta & Muppets 	
Who changes subjects on cue?
Who cheers us up when we're blue?
Loretta 	Who is so dear, and who is so deep?
Statler & Waldorf 	And who would keep us occupied when we want to sleep?
Loretta & Muppets 	
How would we ever get through?
What would we do without you?
Kermit 	Okay, everybody, one more time, just for Miss Piggy, huh? Here we go!
 	
Loretta & Muppets 	
Year after year, older and older,
Side by side, by side!
Loretta 	Sharing a tear, and lending a shoulder,
Loretta & Muppets 	Side by side, by side!
Loretta 	One is lonely…
Kermit 	… and two is boring!
Loretta & Muppets 	
Think what you can keep ignoring!
Side by side, by side, by side,
by side, by side, by side, by side, by … SIDE!
 	Applause. Piggy kisses Kermit, and he scowls.
==Goodnights==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Okay, well, that's all the time we have, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star that we always have time for! She's beautiful, she's funny, and she remains calm when everybody around her is going "AAAGH!" Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Swit! Yaaaay!
 	Applause.
Loretta 	Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit 	Aww.
Loretta 	You know, I hope nobody out there believes that I was really trying to take over for Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Loretta 	Well, because, you know, when a great actress and a great star has developed a role, it's impossible for another actress to fill her shoes.
 	Piggy walks on stage, dressed as Houlihan from M*A*S*H. She laughs lightly at Loretta, then looks down.
Miss Piggy	Funny. The shoes don't fit.
Loretta 	(chuckles)
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around Loretta as the credits roll.
Statler 	South Dakota!
Waldorf 	South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
Statler 	That's what I want — nothing to do with this show.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts