Gary the Born Baby

Gary the Born Baby is the seventh episode of Full Server. In it, Gary the Unborn Baby becomes Gary the Born Baby, Bot divorces Zoltan for ghost Prim, and Mike opens up a hospital.
==Transcript==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[The show starts in the kitchen, where Zoltan is waiting for his toast to be made by Jess. The live studio audience applauds and cheers.]
Zoltan: God dammit woman, the Toast Lady from the toast store can toast toast faster than you!
Jess: Well, it’s like they say in the Mushroom Kingdom: where there’s smoke, they pinch back. Shit that’s the wrong quote.
Pluto: Epic wife fail.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: That sounds like something that people used to say in like the early 2000s.
Pluto: 20 years later isn’t that bad, right?
Jess: You’re an epic fail, Pluto.
Pluto: Well I do turn all my girlfriends lesbian.
[Laugh track because classic lesbianator Pluto moment.]
SpongeBot: You know, I should really check on all the Elmos we gave birth to. I bet they’re starving at this point.
Zoltan: I already fed them bleach.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Whoa, bleach ahoy! Why did you do that?!
Zoltan: It’s all that was in the cupboards, woman, I make with what I have. You’re the woman of this house, I thought it was your job to do the food shopping!
SpongeBot: I’ve been busy looking after the Elmos! Why couldn’t you have done it?
Zoltan: I’ve been seeing the Toast Lady.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You’re insane, you know that?
Zoltan: Hey it’s not my fault that I had to feed them bleach.
SpongeBot: THEY’RE ALL PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW, YOU MONSTER!
[Laugh track. SpongeBot dashes towards the Elmos in the other room]
SpongeBot: Huh, they’re all perfectly normal. As normal as they usually are, that is.
Zoltan: See, I TOLD YOU! HA!
SpongeBot: Okay you don’t have to be so… Hungarian about it.
Zoltan: RACISM!
[Laugh track because racism is funny.]
Purple: Someone call?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Stay out of this, Purple. It’s a marriage thing.
Purple: Well, gimme and the 14 year old a few more years and I’ll be able to understand.
Zoltan: We get it dad, you are racist and a pedophile.
Purple: Bruh. I should take more time off.
Zoltan: Bye dad. I will miss you.
Purple: I won’t.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: HEIL HITLER!
[Laugh track because Hitler is funny.]
Pluto: Well that was completely unprompted.
Jess: Oh, sorry, the baby’s kicking again.
[Mike appears]
Mike: I heard Hitler.
Zoltan: Go away, no one cares.
Mike: But I am a professional doctor!
Jess: Bubba! I found someone who can help me give birth!
Pluto: Jess, I’m Jewish.
Mike: WHAT?!
Pluto: NOTHING! Let’s do uh… Christian activity. Because we are Christian and not Jewish.
Mike: Oh okay, also I am going to be building a hospital where I can do doctor things.
Pluto: Great!
Mike: Bye!
[Mike leaves]
Pluto: So how long until Gary comes out again?
Jess: Well… he’s only been inside me for like… a week maybe? And Dr. Brown Bear said it usually takes nine months for a baby to come out.
Pluto: NINE MONTHS?! I can’t wait that long for Gary the Unborn Baby to become Gary the Born Baby!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: what kind of fucking loser name is gary
[Laugh track]
Jess: His full name was Gary Daddy Pig Shapiro. Gary after, you know, the snail. And Daddy Pig after… yeah. It was Pluto’s idea to call him Gary.
Pluto: (disappointed) I think it goes without saying whose idea it was to make his middle name Daddy Pig.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh yeah I forgot you named him already.
Jess: Well yeah, why wait until he’s born to name him and just name him months in advance?
Pluto: Now THAT’S planning ahead.
Granite: Don’t take life for Granite, it’s what I always say.
[Applause for some reason]
SpongeBot: Alright, why the fuck was there applause? That wasn’t even a good joke! He just showed up out of nowhere!
Granite: Showing up out of nowhere is the Granite way. Unlike homophobia of course.
Pluto: You literally hate Overnight Success because a boy wears makeup.
Granite: FAKE NEWS! Okay maybe that is true. BUT I’M NOT HOMOPHOBIC!
SpongeBot: Yeah, just like CrazySponge isn’t gay.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Granite, you are the most homosexual homophobe I know.
Jess: What about Travis’ friend Tim?
Pluto: He’s from Russia so he doesn’t count.
Granite: HOMOPHOBIA IS NOT THE GRANITE WAY!
[Laugh track]
Cactus: What’s wrong with being gay? I mean just look at me!
Zoltan: NO GAY!
SpongeBot: Cactus you’re literally married to Peter Griffin.
Peter: Hey Loi- Vanessa, remember that time when you questioned your sexuality because of me?
Cactus: Not now, Peter, I’m having a moment.
Peter: Having a moment, huh? That time of the month, then. I’ll leave you guys be. [leaves the room]
Cactus: Why am I still married to that guy?
Pluto: I swear you were married to Peppa Pig last week.
[Laugh track]
Jess: So much happens nowadays that it’s hard not to forget half the things that happen in this family.
Lois: Wait, why is Petah married to a different woman?
Peter: [suddenly appears again] Boy, this is worse than the time-
Lois: Peter, now is not the time!
[NotJoe enters the room]
NotJoe: Did someone say NotJoe?
Jess: What?
NotJoe: I am NotJoe.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: OH MY GOD IT’S WORLD FAMOUS CARTOON REVIEWER AND RAPPER NOTJOE SWANSON! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
NotJoe: You should, because… Um… I am going to sing now.
[NotJoe leaves]
SpongeBot: Aw. He was such a cool guy.
Peter: Yeah, but not as cool as the Kool-Aid Man.
[They Kool-Aid Man breaks into the house]
Kool Aid-Man: Oh yeah!
Lois: Peter! You cheated on me!
Peter: It was an accident I swear!
Lois: Yeah right.
[Lois grabs Peter and drags him out of the house]
Peter: NOOOO
Jess: Guys I hate to break up… whatever is going on here, but I think my water broke!
SpongeBot: Ugh, I’ll get the mop.
[Laugh track]
Jess: No! I mean… I’m having the baby!
SpongeBot: What happened to the whole nine months thing?
Jess: I DON’T KNOW! JUST SOMEONE GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!
Pluto: Oh god oh fuck, this is actually happening!
Jess: SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE! SOMEONE CALL DOCTOR BROWN BEAR!
[SpongeBot dials 9-1-1]
9-1-1 dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency?
SpongeBot: Yeah, hi, I’ll have two number nines, a number nine large-
9-1-1 dispatch: Ma’am, this line is for emergencies only.
SpongeBot: But this is an emergency! My husband fed the babies fucking bleach and now they’re bloody starving!
[Laugh track]
Jess: HOSPITAL! WE NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! I’M HAVING A BABY!
[Pause]
SpongeBot: …and I’ll have a number six with extra dip-
Jess: FUCK I’M GIVING BIRTH NOW! IT’S TOO LATE!
SpongeBot: WHY ARE YOUR WORDS SO LARGE?! Unlike Kelpy G’s dick, of course.
Jess: BECAUSE IT’S URGENT!
[A rocket ship is heard landing in the distance. Dr. Brown Bear shows up at the house; applause.]
Jess: Oh thank FUCK Dr. Brown Bear is here! I’m literally giving birth right now!
Dr. Brown Bear: Really? I couldn’t tell.
[Laugh track]
Jess: JUST SHUT UP AND GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!
[Suddenly, a 1940s car pulls up to the Full Server house, and Mike pops out]
Mike: No! I am better doctor! I will shoot Dr. Brown Bear in the fucking head!
Dr. Brown Bear: Excuse me what the fuck
Jess: Okay, which one of you gives free healthcare? We aren’t exactly rich here.
Pluto: C’mon Jess, does it really matter? What really matters is the baby!
Jess: I’m not having this baby if it’s gonna cost me an arm and a dick.
Gary [inside womb]: Just birth me already, woman! This is taking way too goddamn long!
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Aw, his first words!
Mike: I INSIST ON HANDLING THE BIRTH!
Dr. Brown Bear: No, I can do it.
Mike: FUCKING BROWNIE!
[Laugh track because racism]
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m quite offended, I’ll say.
Mike: [to Jess] Push, bitch!
Jess: I’M PUSHING!
Gary: Why is giving birth so ANNOYING?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Hush, child, you’re not even born yet.
Jess: I CAN SEE HIS HEAD!
Pluto: PUSH, WOMAN! PUSH!
Jess: I’m pushing! I’m pushing!
[Pause. The baby slides out. The audience “awwws” as the baby start crying.]
Pluto: Is that how it usually works? The baby just slides out like that?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well… it’s a first for me.
[Laugh track]
Gary: Ahem, time for my REAL first words… Ahem. BOOBA
[Pause]
Zoltan: PUSH HIM BACK IN!
[Laugh track]
Jess: NO! NOT THE BABY!
[Liz appears]
Liz: DABABY?!
[DaBaby appears]
DaBaby: lessgooooo
Liz: Oh my God I can’t believe it's DaBaby!
DaBaby: I hate gay people.
Mike: Don’t we all?
[Laugh track]
Mike: WHY WAS THERE A LAUGH?!
[Zoltan looks at Gary]
Zoltan: Is my grandson supposed to look that ugly?
Pluto: HEY! DON’T TALK ABOUT GARY DADDY PIG SHAPIRO LIKE THAT!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well… I must say, I think Gary looks absolutely beautiful.
Zoltan: Not as beautiful as the Toast Lady.
Gary: I’m not disabled, mom.
Jess: Yes, yes, I know, Gary baby. 
9-1-1 dispatch: (still on the phone) Um…? Hello? Is anyone still there?
SpongeBot: Yeah sorry, you were fucking useless, the baby’s out now. 
[SpongeBot hangs up. Laugh track]
Jess: I feel like such a proud mommy! Thank you so much Dr. Brown Bear for the help!
Mike: WHAT ABOUT ME?
Dr. Brown Bear: You are very welcome, Jessica.
Mike: Kill yourself.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hey, be nice. We can all eat lasagna together.
Dr. Brown Bear: Well, it’s about time I head back to my home planet now. Toodles, everyone!
Pluto: Hey, that’s what they say in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!
Dr. Brown Bear: My planet needs me. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Dr. Brown Bear heads inside of his spaceship and heads off.]
Mike: God I hate that guy. I hope he ends up like Suzy Sheep, Elmo 2, Prim, Ned Flanders, Prince Philip, and the Queen on March 11th.
Jess: What happens to the Queen on March 11th?
Mike: Let’s just say it’ll be an interesting day.
[Laugh track; Mike heads off as well, with a huff]
Jess: Take a look, everybody. It’s nature’s number one beauty!
Pluto: [looking down] I think he has a bigger dick than I do.
[Laugh track]
Dan: But my penis is bigger!
Pluto: Last time a baby’s penis was compared to yours, the baby had a bigger one.
Dan: OKAY FINE MY PENIS IS NOT THE BIGGEST!
Jess: Heh, Pluto when he looks down.
Pluto: SHUT UP! THAT’S NOT HOW THE JOKE GOES! I am so EMBARRASSED right now!
Zoltan: Still not as embarrassing as when I accidentally fucked a dog instead of a cat.
[Pause]
SpongeBot: Please tell me it wasn’t Oscar.
Zoltan: …
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Zoltan, I don’t think this is a good relationship.
Zoltan: Why not?! I’m a great husband! But now I’m going to eat some toast.
SpongeBot: From where?
Zoltan: From the Toast Lady.
SpongeBot: What the hell is all this talk about the Toast Lady? Zoltan, are you cheating on me?
Zoltan: WHAT? NO! I would only cheat on you with a cat! And so far all of them have just attacked me!
SpongeBot: It’s just… *sigh* for someone who isn’t sexing the Toast Lady you’ve brought her up an awful lot.
Zoltan: I AM NOT SEXING THE TOAST LADY WHO ISNT A TOAST SHE JUST SELLS TOAST
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Can you guys please stop arguing for once and let me enjoy the first few moments with my precious little baby boy?
Zoltan: I REFUSE!
SpongeBot: Fine! Then I’m filing for a divorce!
Zoltan: WHAT? YOU CAN’T! We have so many fun times together!
[Flashback to SpongeBot and Zoltan having fun times.]
Zoltan: It’s all that was in the cupboards, woman, I make with what I have. You’re the woman of this house, I thought it was your job to do the food shopping!
SpongeBot: I’ve been busy looking after the Elmos! Why couldn’t you have done it?
Zoltan: I’ve been seeing the Toast Lady.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You’re insane, you know that?
Zoltan: Hey it’s not my fault that I had to feed them bleach.
SpongeBot: THEY’RE ALL PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW, YOU MONSTER!
[Laugh track, end of flashback]
Zoltan: Okay good point, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU! I JUST LOVE THE TOAST LADY MORE!
SpongeBot: SO YOU ARE SEXING THE TOAST LADY!
Zoltan: NO!!! I AM NOT SEXING THE TOAST LADY! IM JUST SEEING HER TO GET TOAST! Coincidentally she lives right next to where I go to work.
SpongeBot: Where do you work, anyway?
Zoltan: That’s not important.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: That’s it, Zoltan. We are getting divorced.
Zoltan: NOOO! NOW WHO WILL MAKE ME DINNER?!
SpongeBot: The toast lady.
Zoltan: SHE CAN ONLY COOK TOAST!
SpongeBot: I don’t care. It was your decision to fuck her.
Zoltan: BITCH
[Laugh track, SpongeBot leaves]
Jess: So… will you look at my baby now?
Zoltan: [starts crying] MY WIFE!
Jess: Well this is awkward.
[Laugh track; cut to Cactus being alone]
Cactus: I am so lonely. I don’t have any family members. I am not related to anyone here? Why am I even here?
[Pluto walks into the room]
Pluto: I am so sad that I don’t have a mom.
Cactus: Isn’t SpongeBot your mother?
Pluto: I emancipated so I could have sex with Jess, and then SpongeBot became Jess’ mom.
[Laugh track]
Cactus: Well at least you live with Jess.
Pluto: Vanessa, do you want to be my mom?
Cactus: I guess.
Pluto: YES!
[Two hours later…]
[Cut to Zoltan still crying in his bedroom]
Zoltan: I just- maybe I really am a terrible husband. I don’t think- I can’t live like this. I am going to watch TV.
[Zoltan grabs the remote and switches his bedroom TV on. Friends is playing, and Zoltan quickly throws the TV against the wall. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: NO!!! I HATE FRIENDS!! I ONLY LIKE CHANGLER!!!! FUCK FRIENDS!
[Zoltan walks into the living room where Jess is]
Zoltan: Hello daughter.
Jess: Hello father. 
[Laugh track]
Jess: I was just about to ask you to look after Gary for a sec, and then I remembered what a terrible idea that was.
Zoltan: What do you mean? I’m an amazing grandpa!
Jess: You fed the Elmos bleach earlier.
Zoltan: So?
[SpongeBot enters the room, the live studio audience applauds]
SpongeBot: Hey guys, I’m back.
Jess: Did you get the milk?
SpongeBot: …
Jess: Did you?
SpongeBot: fuck
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: PLEASE BOT MARRY ME AGAIN! I HAVE CHANGED, I WILL BE A BETTER HUSBAND NOW! MY LUST FOR TOAST DROVE ME INTO ENDLESS CIRCLES CHASING THE CRIES OF CHILDREN ALWAYS SEEMING SO NEAR, YET SOMEHOW OUT OF REACH! BUT I HAVE CHANGED NOW!
SpongeBot: what
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: MARRY ME AGAIN PLEASE
SpongeBot: I have a new husband.
Zoltan: WHAT?!
[Ghost Prim comes into the room. The audience applauds and cheers again.]
SpongeBot: Prim.
Zoltan: PRIM??!!! GO BACK TO SLOVENIA, YOU CANADIAN CUCK!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Didn’t Prim die?
SpongeBot: Well yes, but now he’s a ghost.
Gary: Mommy, what does “die” mean?
Jess: Not now, sweetie.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: BUT- BUT- BUT-
SpongeBot: Now I know this is a big change Zoltan, and we’re not technically divorced yet-
Zoltan: YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME FOR PRIM AGAIN!
SpongeBot: You left me for the Toast Lady first.
Zoltan: WELL YEAH, BUT SHE’S HOT!
Prim: :(
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Welp, I’m marrying Prim whether you like it or not.
Prim: And Elmo 2 2 is coming soon!
Zoltan: WHAT?! SPONGEBOT, YOU HAD SEX WITH A GHOST CAT? I mean the cat part is okay but YOU HAD SEX WITH A GHOST?!
[Laugh track]
Prim: Yep, she had sex with a ghost, and I had sex with a robot.
[Jess has Vietnam flashbacks]
SpongeBot: Is she okay?
Zoltan: Yeah, probably.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ghost sex is actually really kinky Zoltan, you wouldn’t understand.
Gary: What’s ghost sex? What’s normal sex? What’s a Zoltan?
Jess: Maybe you shouldn’t be part of this conversation right now, baby.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS?!
SpongeBot: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WAS DRAGGING DOWN OUR RELATIONSHIP!
Zoltan: ONLY BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH IN BED!
SpongeBot: WAS THE SPONGEBOB MUSICAL BLASTING FROM MY CARS CD PLAYER IN THE BACKGROUND NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!
[Laugh track; Pluto and Cactus walk in.]
Pluto: Hey guys! Guess who just got a brand new mom?
[Everyone stares at Pluto in silence.]
Pluto…is- is this a bad time?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Bad time, got it. I’m gonna go punch a sandwich.
[Pluto leaves]
SpongeBot: So anyway I’m divorcing you.
Zoltan: Ugh, fine. But only if you give me every episode of iCarly ever to exist.
SpongeBot: I have my ways.
Zoltan: YAY!
[Laugh track. Mike suddenly appears again]
Mike: Hey all Mike here. I built the hospital. WHO WANTS TO BE DIAGNOSED?
[Silence]
Mike: Fine, I’ll do it myself!
[Mike gets out a granolavirus test kit and shoves a swab up everyone’s nostrils]
Jess: Hehe, that tickles.
Mike: SCHWEIGEN! You have all now been tested for granolavirus.
SpongeBot: So, uhh… if I may ask, when do we get the test results?
Mike: This is a rapid rapid GROVID test, so within five seconds.
[Five seconds later…]
Mike: And the results should be in now.
[Mike takes a look at the test results on his phone]
Mike: Oh no…
Jess: What?
Mike: Someone here has the granolavirus…
Zoltan: Who? TELL US!
SpongeBot: Is it me? If so, then at least I won’t have to be near Zoltan anytime soon.
Mike: It is you, SpongeBot!
Zoltan: NO! MY WIFE!
SpongeBot: I’m not your wife anymore, you Hungarian hoe.
Prim: What am I, chopped liver?
SpongeBot: No, you’re my new husband.
Zoltan: BOO! HISS!
Prim: Let’s procreate, babe!
SpongeBot: Oh, I like the sound of that.
Mike: YOU ARE VERY SICK! YOU MUST NOT SEX!
SpongeBot: Can’t hear you!
[Prim and SpongeBot go into their bedroom]
Zoltan: Great, I’m officially single. The only person who can fill the void in my heart is the one and only Scatman.
Jess: Well good luck with that.
[Meanwhile, at Mike’s newly built hospital]
Mike: Come one, come all, to Mike’s Krankenhäuser! We have free healthcare! [whispers] It’s actually not free, I just really like lying.
CrazySponge: Free healthcare you say? Fucking finally.
Mike: No not you! [shoots CrazySponge dead with a gun, laugh track] Why won’t anyone come to my hospital?
[Cut back to the Full Server household]
Zoltan: Jess, could you please bring Scatman back to life so I can marry him?
Jess: I hate to be the bearer of bad news Zoltan, but he’s straight as a ruler.
Zoltan: FALSE! FALSE! FALSE! HE IS NOT!
[Zoltan pulls a bendy ruler out of his pocket.]
Zoltan: See?
[Laugh track]
Jess: Zoltan, why do you want to marry Scatman? He literally dated your mum a few episodes ago.
Zoltan: Yeah, and?
[Laugh track]
Jess: Dad, you are not marrying Scatman John. I know you’re upset about the divorce but he doesn’t like men.
Zoltan: NOOO! MY IDOL! MY INSPIRATION… LIKES WOMAN! HOW COULD HE! [faints]
Jess: [shrugs] All’s well that ends well, eh?
[Laugh track and applause. Fade to black and then cut to Mike in his hospital now with a beard]
Mike: I'm sure someone will come soon.
[Nothing happens]
Mike: Any second now…
[Nothing happens]
Mike: They are almost here…
[He browses his phone while waiting for someone to come]
Mike: THE QUEEN IS DEAD?! Oh never mind, false alarm. [sighs] I give up.
[Cut back to the Full Server house]
Prim: I’ll say. That was a good sex.
SpongeBot: Whoa, ass ahoy.
Zoltan: [comes back] Is Sonic straight by any chance?
Jess: Go back to sleep, Zoltan.
Zoltan: Fine. [faints again]
[Laugh track]
Pluto: [returns] That was one tough sandwich.
Gary: Gary
[Laugh track. Episode ends with a wide open shot of the house’s exterior.]
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