The Joe Biden Experience

The Joe Biden Experience is the fifth episode of season three, and the twentieth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It will premiere on September 30, 2020.
== Plot ==
"Joe Biden" hosts a virtual fundraiser featuring Kamala Harris, Barack Obama, Kelpy G, Squilliam Fancyson, and average Bikini Bottomites who want a change.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the White House. Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence are having a meeting at the Oval Office.]
Mr. Trump: The fake news has gotten even more fake lately! They’re reporting that my approval rating is at 30% right now, when it’s usually at 40%!
Mr. Pence: Might’ve been because of the Plague...
Mr. Trump: What plague? I’m still not sure what that is.
Mr. Pence: That’s the problem, you idiot! While you spent every night this past week playing golf with Rudy—
Mr. Trump: That’s not all we did! We also raped children!
Mr. Pence: LISTEN! Bikini Bottomites have been dying in staggering numbers! Do something!
Mr. Trump: What should I do?
Mr. Pence: I suggest endorsing the Sanders Plague Relief Bill in the Senate. It’s supported by most Bikini Bottomites, but Republicans are about to kill it by enacting an indefinite Senate recess—
Mr. Trump: No way! Who do you think I am, some sort of socialist Jew?
Mr. Pence: Donald. You’re going to lose this election, and many Democrats want to prosecute you for your crimes after you leave office. The best thing you can do right now is resign, and I’ll pardon you once I’m President.
Mr. Trump: Well, if the Democrats want to persecute me, then I’ll just have to persecute them first! And I won’t resign, my campaign isn’t over! At least I’m not a dead man walking, unlike Joe!
Mr. Pence: I’m sure Joe could be dead and still beat you.
Mr. Trump: Nope.
[Cut to Mr. Biden’s bedroom. He can be seen laying in his bed. Suddenly, Mr. Banana enters the room.] 
Mr. Banana: Rise and shine, Joe! You have a virtual fundraiser with all the top lobbyists and war criminals today! 
[Mr. Biden doesn’t answer.] 
Mr. Banana: JOE! I said wake up! 
[Mr. Biden still doesn’t answer.] 
Mr. Banana: Hm...I know what will do the trick! [takes out a wig] Look! Some hair to smell! 
[Mr. Biden still doesn’t answer.] 
Mr. Banana: He’s not even sniffing hair?! This isn’t like him… [places his hand over Mr. Biden’s heart] HOLY GUACAMOLE!
[Cut to Hell.] 
Mr. Biden: Huh? Where...Where am I?
[Suddenly, The Devil appears.] 
The Devil: Why you’re in Hell! 
Mr. Biden: [gasp] The Devil! 
The Devil: Please, call me Mr. Devil. 
Mr. Biden: Wait, does this mean I’ve died? Viva Las Vegas! Finally! This is the best day of my life! 
Mr. Devil: Not your life. Remember, that’s over now. 
Mr. Biden: And thank you it is! 
[Cut to Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Banana: Well, I suppose this was the problem with nominating someone over the average lifespan. Ugh, we should’ve gotten the establishment to line up behind Kelpy G instead! Wait, no, Kelpy G used to be a musician! How evil! We should’ve lined up behind Squilliam Fancyson!
[Mr. Banana paces the floor nervously.] 
Mr. Banana: What am I gonna do?! The fundraiser is today! I can’t let anyone find out Biden is dead! Then the nomination will go to the runner-up, and that’s BERNIE SANDERS! OH NO! 
[Mr. Banana quickly puts on a suit over the suit he sleeps in and rushes to the store.] 
Worker: Welcome to Barg’N’Mart. How can I help you?
Mr. Banana: Do you have any Joe Biden Halloween costumes?
Worker: Uh, dude, first of all, this is July. Second of all, Halloween is cancelled due to the Plague. 
Mr. Banana: So is that a yes? 
Worker: No.
Mr. Banana: LISTEN HERE, PEASANT! You better give me a Joe Biden costume RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE! 
Worker: Pft, or else what?
Mr. Banana: [quickly dresses up the worker as a strawberry] Or else I’ll choke you with my GIRTHY BANANA COCK! 
Worker: [eyes widen] Uh, I’ll look in the back. 
[A few moments later.] 
Worker: Alright, I found a Joe Biden costume. You know, this costume really suits you. 
Mr. Banana: Indeed it does! But no time for small talk! The fundraiser is in a few minutes! 
[Mr. Banana rushes back to the house, quickly putting on the suit, and turning on his computer. Suddenly, Barack Obama, Kelpy G, and Squilliam Fancyson appear on the screen.] 
Mr. Obama: Hey, that’s a pretty good costume! 
[Mr. Banana’s eyes widen, beginning to sweat nervously.] 
Mr. Obama: Creative too. I would’ve never thought to dress up as Mr. Banana dressing up like you. Nice work, Joe! 
[Mr. Banana wipes the sweat off his forehead.]
Mr. G: You do realize it’s July though, right? And Halloween is cancelled anyway due to the Plague?
Mr. Fancyson: Enough talk about the costume! I want to get this fundraiser over with, I want to go hang out with Paul and Donald. 
Mr. G: You do realize that’s also cancelled due to the Plague?
Mr. Fancyson: WHAT 
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud appears on the screen.]
Mr. Renaud: Don’t worry! We can still do cam models! 
[Everyone cheers.] 
Mr. Obama: Wait! Paul, how did you even get on here anyway? You weren’t invited! 
Mr. Renaud: The same way I hack into my students’ phones so I can get their nudes! Anyway, what was the question?
Mr. Obama: Paul, this isn’t a debate! 
Mr. Renaud: Oh yeah! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud disappears from the screen.]
Mr. G: You know what’s the worst part though? All opportunities to commit horrific war crimes are gone, since all gatherings of two or more people are cancelled.
Mr. Obama: Yep. We take things we like for granted back in the day, but we really miss them now that we can’t do it. Alright, Joe, there’s a few things I’d like to talk to you about today. 
[While Mr. Obama is speaking, Mr. Banana’s eye peers out the window. A strawberry can be seen outside. Mr. Banana gulps hard, the tip of his banana forming a bulge in the pants of the costume.] 
Mr. Banana: [thinking to self] Don’t rape that strawberry, don’t rape that strawberry, don’t rape that strawberry...
Mr. Obama: Joe! Joe! Are you listening to me?!
Mr. Banana: Uh...of course, Barack!
Mr. Obama: Huh, you got my name right? Okay, so now, let’s welcome our next Vice President, Kamala Harris!
[Mrs. Harris appears on the screen.]
Mr. Obama: So Kamala, how do you feel about Joe choosing you to be his running mate?
Mrs. Harris: I’m very glad to become the next Warden of the World! Everyone shall be subject to forced labor for the state under me! [evilly laughs]
Mr. Banana: Joe chose you—I mean, I chose you—I mean—well, I did tell Joe to choose you—I mean—
Mr. Fancyson: Don’t copy me!
Mr. Banana: I chose you because I know for a fact that you’re prepared to lead Bikini Bottom when—I mean, if—anything bad happens to me.
Mrs. Harris: Thank you, Joe! I promise you I will step in confidently if anything bad happens.
Mr. Banana: [scared] But nothing bad happened—I mean, will happen! I’m as strong now as I was when I beat up Corn Pop!
Mr. Obama: Next, we’re going to pull up someone with a question for you. Now Joe, it’s pre-recorded, so don’t ask for them to speak louder, and your response is on a teleprompter right next to them, so don’t say anything that randomly pops up in your hand.
Mr. Banana: Don’t worry, Barack, I won’t do anything wrong. Trust me, I am running for President of Bikini Bottom, after all!
Mr. Obama: [visibly confused] Joe, what has gotten into you? Are you high or something?
Mrs. Harris: [death stares at the screen] What?! Who’s high?! [whips out handcuffs]
Mr. Banana: [scared] Uh...no! Of course not! Why would I be anything other than your average Joe?!
Mr. Obama: Well, you’re getting things right. On to the question.
[A farmer appears on the screen.]
Farmer: Hello Mr. Biden. I’m a farmer. I didn’t think I would vote for you after you voted for the Pacific Ocean Free Trade Agreement. I voted for Trump in 2016 because he said he was going to renegotiate it in favor of us, and he did so, but he virtually just copied and pasted it two years later. So Mr. Biden, I’m giving you a second chance, if you renounce your previous stance on trade. The system right now isn’t working for average folks, we want a change!
Mr. Banana: Hmm...just a random question, are strawberries one of your products?
Farmer: Eh, occasionally.
Mr. Banana: I will do everything in my power to do whatever you want, as long as those strawberries go to me!
Farmer: Thank you, Mr. Biden. You have my vote!
Mr. Banana: And I will soon have your strawberries!
[Suddenly, gunfire is heard near where the farmer is speaking.]
Mr. R’Onion: Prepare to die just like all the trees you slaughtered to build your disgusting farm!
[Cut to Hell.]
Mr. Biden: Wow, I’ve gotta say, Mr. Devil, this place is quite swell! Very warm and cozy!
Mr. Devil: Why thank you Joe! 
[Suddenly, a knock on the door is heard.] 
Mr. Devil: Just a minute. Let me get that. 
[Mr. Devil walks over to the door, opening it, revealing Mr. Renaud.] 
Mr. Renaud: Heya there, Satan!
Mr. Biden: Paul, you died too?
Mr. Renaud: Oh no! I’m just here to drop something off. [takes out some tapes, handing them over to Mr. Devil] Here you go! The very best CPTV specials!
Mr. Devil: Thanks, Paul! Joe and I can watch them right now! 
Mr. Renaud: No problem! Anyway, what was the question? 
Mr. Devil: Mr. Renaud, this isn’t a debate!
Mr. Renaud: Oh yeah! [leaves]
[Cut to the fundraiser.]
Mr. Obama: Well, that is all. Thanks for being with us today, Joe. 
[The computer screen goes blank.]
[Cut to Mr. Obama.]
Mr. Obama: This is unreal. Joe always gaffes. I haven’t ordered a drone strike since I left office three years ago, I must be going insane because of that.
[Cut to Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Banana: Finally! Now to get that strawberry! 
[Mr. Banana turns toward the window, only to see the strawberry is now gone.]
Mr. Banana: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! My strawberry, my precious strawberry! THAT’S IT! I can’t do this any longer! 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, I can’t believe you’re in detention again! Don’t you realize just how incredibly behind you’re falling?!
[A knock on the door can be heard. Mr. R’Onion goes to answer it, revealing Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Banana: Mr. R’Onion!
Mr. R’Onion: Mr. Banana! What are you doing here? 
Mr. Banana: I need your help! Joe Biden has died!
Mr. Pineapple: Hooray! Finally, that old war criminal is dead! He got what was coming to him! Bernie better be next!
Mr. Banana: Shut up, or I’ll dress you up as a strawberry and rape you!
Mr. Pineapple: Why do so many people wanna rape me?
Mr. Banana: Anyway, Mr. R’Onion, you’re a smart guy-
Mr. R’Onion: Indeed I am. 
Mr. Banana: I need you to figure out a way to revive him!
Mr. R’Onion: And why should I help you?
Mr. Banana: Because I’m a banana!
Mr. R’Onion: Well, I can’t argue with that. I know just the solution! [takes out a ray gun] I call it the R’Onion Revivor! I named it after myself. 
Mr. Pineapple: Gee, really? I thought you named it after Joseph Stalin.
Mr. Banana: Yeah, you’d probably like that, because you’re Stalin’s grandson.
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! For that remark, your detention has been extended by another half hour!
Mr. Banana: Wait a minute, you already have a revival device ready? Just waiting to go?
Mr. R’Onion: Yep. Originally I invented it to use on trees, but it’ll work on humans too, or uh...whatever Joe Biden is. 
Mr. Banana: Great! Here’s his dead body! [takes out a suitcase, opening it and revealing Joe Biden’s body]
Mr. R’Onion: How’d you fit his body into a suitcase?
Mr. Banana: I’m an expert at SHOVING THINGS, if you know what I mean.
Mr. R’Onion: Well, uh, okay then. Here goes nothing. 
Mr. Pineapple: WAIT! DON’T DO IT! Why would you wanna bring a war criminal back to life?! He should stay in Hell, where he belongs!
Mr. Banana: But if Joe Biden stays dead, that socialist Bernie Sanders will become the nominee! 
Mr. Pineapple: [gasps] NO! I hate socialists! All they do is pander to the right! QUICK, MR. R’ONION! REVIVE JOE BIDEN!
[Mr. R’Onion shoots the ray gun at Mr. Biden, bringing him back to life.]
Mr. Biden: Huh? WHAT HAPPENED?!
Mr. Banana: Joe! We brought you back to life!
Mr. Biden: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! 
Mr. Banana: Come on, let’s head home! We’ve gotta prepare for the convention! It’s in just a few days!
Mr. Biden: Aw man, Jack, and that CPTV special was just getting good…
[The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season