Hoopla's Horrible Musical

Hoopla's Horrible Musical is the third episode of the first season of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[Episode begins with a view of Box Productions. Cut to inside where CrazySponge is typing on a computer]
CrazySponge: o man this new spin-off is gonna be great.
Matchy: What's it called?
CrazySponge: i call it hoopla's SUPER fantastic beach. yeah. it's basically just hfb but SUPER!
Matchy: o
CrazySponge: i know. it's gonna be such a hit. 
Matchy: You say that everytime you make a spin-off. Remember SBFW Ultimate?
CrazySponge: never heard of it.
Matchy: You made it ages ago and was hyping it up to be this big thing and whatnot, yet nothing came of it.
CrazySponge: well i have no idea what you're talking about. now to release the super omega fantastic awesome incredible spin-off that's gonna be super popular, so popular it's gonna have COFFEE MUG merchandise. [He presses a key]
[silence]
CrazySponge: why is nobody reading it
Matchy: Well, first of all you JUST released it. And secondly, it's just HFB but Hoopla's a superhero. Why don't they just read the real thing?
CrazySponge: because this is BETTER than anything else i have written and i'm gonna prove it. [He opens a window facing Jasbre Corp's building] HEY JASBRE DO YOU LIKE MY NEW SPIN-OFF
Jasbre: I didn't even read it yet, you relish turd.
CrazySponge: bu-but it's hoopla's SUPER fantastic beach GO READ IT
Jasbre: So it's just HFB but Hoopla's a superhero in more than one episode. Sounds boring.
CrazySponge: well, uh- uh- [pause] YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS THAT MY SPIN-OFFS ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS!
[He blows a raspberry to Jasbre and slams the window shut]
Jasbre: Hypocrite.
[theme song]
Look at that sun, look at that sky,
Look at my sweater vest, it looks so fly!
Look at that mailbox, look at that tree,
It's about as beautiful as it can be!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Today is gonna be exceptional!
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
(We're all living in it)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
CrazySponge: he's right my spin-offs suck
Matchy: See? I told you.
CrazySponge: you're acting as if your spin-offs are so much better. may i remind you that you wrote spongebob squarepants go!?
Matchy: Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second.
[She leaves the room]
CrazySponge: hmph. hypocrite. i'll just go and spread the word about my INCREDIBLE spin-off and then they'll read it. and i know just the place!
[Cut to British Fish Productions singing a song, with them being interrupted by CrazySponge walking onto the stage]
Travis: I'm--What the fuck are you doing here, you nine year old?
[The audience laughs]
CrazySponge: i'm not nine. anyway I'm here to tell you about my AWESOME COOL spin-off that i call hoopla's SUPER fantastic beach.
Travis: Is it as bad as the original?
CrazySponge: ye- you know, the- one thing I should-
Travis: May I take that as a yes?
CrazySponge: n- nevermind
[He leaves]
Travis: There you have it folks, now to sing more songs that FANDOM would despise. I call this little number "We're Gonna Shoot An Illegal Porno".
[The crowd cheers as we fade into CrazySponge walking back into his office looking depressed.]
CrazySponge: well that didn't work.
Matchy: Well, uh, maybe there's another way to promote your stupi- I mean, cool new show!
CrazySponge: o. like what
Matchy: [smug] Well I might have one or two idea-
CrazySponge: matchy, you fap in class. do you really think im going to take advice from you?
Polar: [in the background] ha ha matchy fap in class funne im laughing my FUCKING ASS OFF
Matchy: Yes.
[pause]
CrazySponge: well alright then! fire away, liz!
Matchy: A musical.
[silence]
CrazySponge: where would we get the budget for THAT
Matchy: This is The World of SBFW. We can THINK of the materials and they'll appear. Remember the first episode?
CrazySponge: o yeah that one that solely exists for exposition- WELL I LIKE IT! let's call it "hoopla's SUPER fantastic beach: the awesome musical for advertising purposes"!
[Granite pops up in Captain Underpants cosplay.]
Granite: I like that name!
CrazySponge: where the fuck did you come from
Granite: No idea. 
[pause]
Granite: Well, duty calls. SuperGranite, away! Tra-la-la! 
[Granite tries to fly out the window but hits the ground and dies.]
CrazySponge: shouldn't that be happening to me
Matchy: I don't know, consider yourself lucky. Should we help him?
CrazySponge: nah, he'll be fine in the next scene. NOW LET'S DO A MUSICAL MAKING MONTAGE!
Matchy: Not another fucking montage-
[The "Quirky Worky Song" from Phineas & Ferb starts playing as the montage begins. CrazySponge is seen writing the script on his computer]
CrazySponge: "and then they kiss". perfect! maybe i should add in a sex scene. we should cast elli, she has nice fee-
Matchy: What?
CrazySponge: MATCHY! nothing, nothing!
[We see the next scene, where Hoopla is seen reading his lines]
Hoopla: Do you really think I'm gonna- 
CrazySponge: [yelling] JUST DO IT!
Hoopla: Okay, okay! [singing badly] nEVEr goNNA gIVe yOu uP!
CrazySponge: what the fuck was that
Hoopla: The, um, song you wanted me to sing, sir.
CrazySponge: let me have a look at that!
[he snatches the script from Hoopla]
CrazySponge: this isn't what I wrote! POLAR!!!!
Polar: [giggling in the background] BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RICKROLLS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS HOOHA HOOHA
[CrazySponge shoots Polar]
CrazySponge: piece of fucking shit- here's your REAL script hoopla.
Hoopla: Did- did you just shoot-
CrazySponge: she'll be fine in the next scene.
Matchy: And people wonder why life insurance is so expensive in this town...
Hoopla: Alrighty then. [reading the script] Oh, Hooplette. Moaning noises. Oh, Hooplette.
CrazySponge: yeeaaaaahhh that's the stuff. try it again, but this time with a bit more… passion.
Hoopla: o. [reading the script] OH HOOPLETTE I'LL STICK MY MASSIVE HOOPLA DONG INSIDE YOUR-
CrazySponge: FUCK YEAH- i mean… that's too much passion
Polar: [eating popcorn] I don't know what you're talking about, this shit is great! When's the part when Hoopla finds out he's a dad?
CrazySponge: great idea polar
Hoopla: wait wut
[Cut to the next scene, where CrazySponge and Purps are building the stage]
Purps: Okay… but why me?
CrazySponge: because uhhhhhhhhh idk okay let's test it. HOOPLA TIME TO TEST IT
Hoopla: Roger that, boss. [He does fortnite dances on the stage, which breaks and sends Hoopla plummeting down a hole while the Wile E. Coyote falling sound plays]
CrazySponge: OKAY, STOP IT WITH THE SOUNDS, POLAR!
Polar: [giggling] Well, okay.
CrazySponge: purps can you fix that hole
Purps: Okay.
Polar: [clicks fingers] Okay!
[He goes over to the hole, but accidentally falls in. The Wile E. Coyote falling sound is heard again]
CrazySponge: GOD DAMMIT POLAR!
Polar: I'm fucking Polar, what did you expect me to do?!
[Hoopla climbs on the stage and stares down the hole that Purps fell down.]
CrazySponge: hoopla, is purps okay?
[pause]
Hoopla: No comment.
[Cut to the next scene, where the orchestra is playing the songs. Polar is tied to a chair in the background.]
CrazySponge: two, three, four. more tuba! what the fuck do i know i'm no musician.
Polar: [mumble mumble]
CrazySponge: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
Polar: [mumble mumble!]
CrazySponge: i'll just take that ball ga- i mean… shut-upinator off you. [He takes the totally not ball gag off Polar]
Polar: Tell them to add more distortion.
CrazySponge: okay. MORE DISTORTION!
[The orchestra begins to play earrape]
CrazySponge: POLAR!!!
Polar: AND MORE COWBE-
[Cut to the next scene (end of the montage), where people are sitting down to watch the musical. The people include Matchy, Polar, Ace, Primitive, Purps, Jasbre (against his will), and more. The audience reluctantly claps as CrazySponge comes onto the stage]
CrazySponge: Welcome one, welcome all to my AWESOME musical! It's called "hoopla's SUPER fantastic beach: the awesome musical for advertising purposes" in case you forgot, like I almost did, or want to look it up on Wikipedia or other shit. Anyway, enjoy the musical!
Jasbre: I don't think I will.
Primitive: I like musicals. Maybe this will be a good musical. Cheer up, jabababa!
Jasbre: Heinz is the director. Remember the last time he directed a musical?
[police sirens and screaming are heard as we briefly hear Jasbre's memories]
Primitive: Wasn't that technically Hoopla?
Jasbre: Whatever.
Polar: I definitely helped with this musical guys.
Primitive: Hang on, isn't there a poster on the front window explicitly stating that you're not allowed to be here?
Polar: There was.
[pause]
Primitive: Well alright then.
[Ace sits down right next to Polar]
Polar: Ace, why are you sitting next to me?
Ace: [blushing] I dunno. I just wanna.
Polar: Uhh… okay.
CrazySponge: anyway, the musical will be starting in 3.14 seconds.
[Cut to two men in the lobby drinking their cocktails. They spit out their drinks upon looking at the clock. We cut back to the stage where the curtains open and the musical starts.]
CrazySponge: OH SHIT- [He hurries backstage as the audience chuckles]
Primitive: Was that intentional?
Jasbre: I dunno, but knowing Heinz, probably. Definitely the best part though.
[Ace fakes a yawn and tries to slide his arm around Polar's neck]
Polar: Uhh… what are you doing?
Ace: Oh, uh… reaching for… a drink.
[Polar turns to see there isn't a drink]
Polar: There is no drink.
Ace: Did- did I say drink? I… meant… nevermind.
Polar: Okay.
Matchy: Here it comes!
Purps: Here it went. The musical started 2 minutes ago.
Matchy: o.
Hoopla: HOOPLA!
Jasbre: Ough! That horrible sound.
Garviel: Hang on, this isn't free lasagna!
Hoopla: Long ago, there was a fantastic beach.
Jasbre: Why is he also the narrator?
Polar: (whispering) Just go with-
Hoopla: AND I DISCOVERED IT!
Jasbre: He didn't disco-
[Hoopla throws a brick at Jasbre's head. He screams.]
Primitive: JABABABA, NOOOOOO!!!
Hoopla: Anyway, I discovered it. So one day I was walking around. [He walks in place and trips] SHIT- [The audience laughs]
Jasbre: [laughing] Oh, I'd get hit by a brick again if it meant that-
[Hoopla throws another brick at Jasbre
Primitive: JABABABA, NOT AGAIN!!!
Hoopla: (annoyed) THERE! YOU HAPPY?! 
Jasbre: [sarcastically] Never been better…
Hoopla: Anyway, I was walking, and then I found an acid barrel. [An ensemble member brings an acid barrel onto the stage and runs off] And I was like… "OOH! HOOPLA TAKE A BATH!" so I went inside the barrel and then I got superpowers!
Stan Lee: [crying in the audience] It's beautiful...
Jasbre: …That's how he became a superhero? That's just fucking lazy. Also… [Turning to Stan Lee] Aren't you supposed to be dead?!
Stan Lee: Oh ye-
[Stan Lee fucking dies]
Hoopla: And so… I became… SUPER HOOPLA! Defender of Hoopla's SUPER Fantastic Beach! The end.
Jasbre: That- that was it?! BLESS THE LORD!
Hoopla: I'm kidding, swan. So… uhh… LINE! [The audience chuckles]
Ace: (trying to act cool) That Hoopla's dumb, isn't he?
Polar: I… guess.
CrazySponge: o my fuckin- "so here is my story"
Hoopla: Oh, right. Here is my story.
CrazySponge: YOU FORGOT THE-
[A cheesy transition begins. Hoopla is "flying" with a rope attached to his back. The rope snaps and Hoopla falls]
Hoopla: OW- SHIT!
[The audience laughs]
Jasbre: I can make a musical better than this. I bet anyone could! Where are the musical numbers, anyway?
Primitive: Will that be the plot for another episode?
Jasbre: Uhh…
Polar: No.
Jasbre: Well… there's your answer.
Polar: Well okay… maybe.
Hoopla: Stupid fuckin- TRA-LA-LA AND SHI- ugh.
Scooter: HEY HOOPLA! HAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!
Hoopla: Hey Scooter! FUCK YOU! [He uses his laser powers to burn Scooter. He is seen as a cooked fish]
Scooter: what the shi-
CrazySponge: HOOPLA, THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!
[The audience laughs]
Ace: Hey… Polar.
Polar: What?
Ace: Come closer.
[Polar leans closer to Ace, as he attempts to kiss her on the cheek, but Polar retracts]
Polar: Ace, what the fuck?
Ace: [embarrassed] Well, uh- uh-
Polar: You've been acting weird the entire performance! What the hell is going on?!
Ace: No- nothing, hon- POLAR. It's… uh- nothing.
Polar: [sighs] I'm going for a bathroom break.
[Polar gets up and walks towards the exit. Ace stands up and looks towards her but is ignored] 
Ace: No! Wait! Don't leave!
Purps: Ouch. Better luck next time, man.
Ace: Wait, how the f**k did you know that I-
Purps: I have my ways. But just so you know, Polar is hard to score on.
Ace: How do you kn-
Purps: Shh.
Hoopla: HI-DE-HOOPLA HERE I GO! WOOOOSH! [He crashes into the background, which reveals the backstage. Matchy is drinking a cup of coffee] AH, SH-
Matchy: Uh… hi?!
[The audience bursts out laughing]
SpongeBot: This is better than Can't Pay?!!
CrazySponge: HOOPLA YOU NI- uhh… hey. we have experienced some technical difficulties.
SpongeBot: [still laughing] No shit!
CrazySponge: please stand by while i beat hoopla u- i mean… while we sort this out.
Jasbre: This is gold! I might actually read Heinz' spin-off now!
CrazySponge: wait really?
Jasbre: No. Now keep on doing badly!
CrazySponge: [signalling to Matchy] psst! matchy!
Matchy: What?
CrazySponge: come here!
[cut to CrazySponge and Matchy in the men's bathroom]
Matchy: Ugh, I don't know why you-
CrazySponge: shh! oh liz, this is a disaster. nothing has gone to plan. we've had to go to the interval early and we haven't even gotten to the first song and the se-
Matchy: What do you mean? The crowd's in love with it!
CrazySponge: yeah but only because it's bad!
Matchy: Exactly! People love stuff that is so-bad-it's-good! It's basically it's own genre at this point!
CrazySponge: it is?
Matchy: Yeah! So if you want people to read your damn show, I say we get back out there and fuck everything up!
CrazySponge: fuck everything up?
Matchy: Now you're getting it!
CrazySponge: hmm… you know what, this might just work!
Matchy: I kn-
???: That's good, I think we've got all the pictures we need today. Here, have a lollipop.
[Paul Renaud and some kid exit a stall]
Kid: Thanks, Mr. Renaud!
Paul: Don't mention it. And please, call me Daddy Paul.
Kid: Okay, Daddy Paul.
Paul: [laughs] There's a good kid.
Matchy: Um, is that your child?
Paul: To be honest, I don't know.
CrazySponge: right. well uh… come on matchy. let's fuck up the musical!
[Cut back to the stage, where CrazySponge and Matchy appear]
CrazySponge: is everything fixed?
Ensemble Member: Uh… yeah.
CrazySponge: Tell the cast to give me their scripts.
Ensemble Member: Okay. [He goes backstage and comes back with the scripts, CrazySponge rips them all up] Uhh… boss? What are you doing?
CrazySponge: tell the crew to come onstage and fuck everything up!
Ensemble Member: Are you sure?
CrazySponge: Do I look like I'm sure? I'm the fucking guy who owns half of SBFW, and if I say I'm sure, then I am sure. YOU HEAR ME?!!!
[pause]
Ensemble Member: Well… okay.
CrazySponge: [Turning to the audience] hold on to your hats, folks! this is gonna be a musical you'll remember for years to come!
[Hoopla comes out of the backstage and starts destroying everything. The crowd is silent]
Jasbre: Now that they're trying to be bad, it's… bad.
Primitive: Agreed.
Hoopla: Oh come on! Isn't this entertaining you?
Audience: No.
Vanessa: j;
[The audience bursts out in laughter]
Hoopla: Ah! j;
[Silence]
Hoopla: Oh, you damn hypocrites!
CrazySponge: [whispering] do something, uh… funnier!
[Hoopla starts beating himself up. A few chuckles are heard from the audience, but that's about it]
Jasbre: This is just weird now.
Primitive: Is this in the script?
Ace: Where is Polar?
[Hoopla takes out Polar, who is tied up in a chair like in the orchestra segment in the montage, and then takes out a chainsaw]
Ace: POLAR!
Polar: [mumble mumble]
Hoopla: TO SHOW YOU THE POWER OF FLEX TAPE, I'M GONNA SAW POLAR IN HALF!
Jasbre: Yeah, nope.
Primitive: I'm out.
[Jasbre and Primitive leave. A couple other audience members leave too]
Ace: OH NO! I WILL SAVE YOU POLAR!!!
[Ace jumps out of his seat. Chariots of Fire begins playing as a slow motion sequence begins]
Ace: POOOOOLAAAAAARRRR!!!!
Hoopla: WAAAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAA!!!!!
Polar: [thinking] Why the fuck is everyone else in slow mot-
[Ace lands on Polar, knocking her to the floor, still tied to the chair. Everything goes back to normal. Ace rips Polar's gag off.]
Polar: Gah! What the fuck was that for?!
Ace: I saved you!
Hoopla: Uhh… hey.
Ace: Now we must kiss!
Polar: wait wut-
[Ace forcibly kisses Polar on the lips]
Polar: BLEGH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON?!
Hoopla: i mean at least it wasn't longer than one second.
Polar: I hope no one was taping that.
[The theater is almost empty. Crickets chirp. Primitive is seen from afar, and was taping the whole thing]
Primitive: This might be better than Jasbre's bath pictures!
Jasbre: What?
Primitive: Nothing.
Polar: Phew. Okay, well, never do that again. You hear me, Ace?
Ace: Yeah… okay.
CrazySponge: well matchy, we blew it. the show bombed harder than hiroshima.
[pause]
Matchy: Oh well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
[Matchy tries to walk off but CrazySponge pulls her back.]
CrazySponge: and where do you think you're going?! This was your idea to fuck everything up!
Matchy: Hey, at least we made a profit!
CrazySponge: welp, let's go home. by the way, you're a good kisser, ace.
Ace: Thanks.
CrazySponge: hopefully nobody remembers about our shitty musical.
[The next day…]
News Announcer: Hoopla's SUPER Fantastic Beach: The Awesome Musical for Advertising Purposes, a musical to remember for ages!
News Announcer 2: A musical which was the bomb, but then bombed.
News Announcer 3: The musical which many will remember, either for the right or wrong reasons.
[cut to CrazySponge and Matchy watching the report on TV]
CrazySponge: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
Matchy: Well, at least people remembered it!
CrazySponge: shut up… just shut up. how could this possibly get any worse?
[a house crushes CrazySponge]
CrazySponge: [muffled] that doesn't even make any sense!
Polar: BAHAHAHAHAHA CRAZYSPONGE DIED FUNNE HAHAHA
EB's Dad: rip
[end]
==Trivia==
* Polar and Hoopla saying "wait wut" references Polar's spin-off of the same name
* EB's Dad saying "rip" references Life in Bikini Top
* The name for this episode was partly inspired by Hoopla's Fantastic Beach
* Similarly, the name for this episode was originally Dingus!: The Musical
* Ace being attracted to Polar is a reference to how Polar was portrayed most of Ace's spin-offs
Category:2020
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Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
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