The Whale and the Grasshopper

== THE WHALE AND THE GRASSHOPPER ==
=== By Seamus O'Brien ===
From The Illustrated Sunday Magazine, 1915.
When Standish McNeill started talking to
his friend Felix O'Dowd as they walked at a leisurely pace towards the town of
Castlegregory on a June morning, what he said was: "The world is a
wonderful place when you come to think about it, an' Ireland is a wonderful
place an' so is America, an' though there are lots of places like each other
there's no place like Ballysantamalo. When there's not sunshine there, there's
moonshine an' the handsomest women in the world live there, an' nowhere else except
in Ireland or the churchyards could you find such decent people."
"Decency," said Felix, "when
you're poor is extravagance, and bad example when you're rich."
"And why?" said Standish.
"Well," said Felix, "because
the poor imitate the rich an' the rich give to the poor an' when the poor give
to each other they have nothing of their own."
"That's communism you're
talking," said Standish. "an' that always comes from education an'
enlightenment. Sure if the poor weren't decent they'd be rich an' if the rich
were dacent they'd be poor an' if everyone had a conscience they'd be less
millionaires."
"'Tis a poor bird that can't pick for
himself."
"But suppose a bird had a broken wing
an' couldn't fly to where the pickings were?" said Felix.
"Well, then bring the pickings to him.
That would be charity."
"But charity is decency and wisdom is
holding your tongue when you don't know what you're talking about."
"If the people of Ballysantamalo are
so decent, how is it that there are so many bachelors there? Do you think it
right to have all the young women worrying their heads off reading trashy
novels an' doin' all sorts of silly things like fixin' their hair in a way that
was never intended by nature an' doin' so for years an' years an' havin'
nothin' in the end but the trouble of it all."
"Well, 'tis hard blamin' the young men
because every young lady you meet looks better to you than the last until you
meet the next an' so you go on to another until you're so old that no one would
marry you at all unless you had lots of money, a bad liver, an' a shaky
heart."
"An old man without any sense, lots of
money, a bad liver, an' a shaky heart can always get a young lady to marry
him," said Felix, "though rheumatics, gout, an' a wooden leg are just
as good in such a case."
"Every bit," said Standish,
"but there's nothin' like a weak constitution, a cold climate, an' a
tendency to pneumonia."
"Old men are quare," said Felix.
"They are," said Standish,
"an' if they were all only half as wise as they think they are then they'd
be only young fools in the world. I don't wonder a bit at the suffragettes. An'
a time will come when we won't know men from women unless some one tells us
so."
"Wisha, 'tis my belief that there will
be a great reaction some day, because women will never be able to stand the
strain of doin' what they please without encountering opposition. When a man
falls in love he falls into trouble likewise, an' when a woman isn't in trouble
you may be sure that there's something wrong with her."
"Well," said Standish, "I
think we will leave the women where the devil left St. Peter--"
"Where was that?" asked Felix.
"Alone," answered Standish.
"That would be all very fine if they
stayed there," said Felix.
"Now," said Standish, "as I
was talking of me travels in foreign parts, I want to tell you about the
morning I walked along the beach at Ballysantamalo, an' a warm morning it was
too. So I ses to meself, 'Standish McNeill,' ses I, 'what kind of a fool of a
man are you? Why don't you take a swim for yourself?' So I did take a swim, an'
I swam to the rocks where the seals goes to get their photograph's taken an' while
I was havin' a rest for meself I noticed a grasshopper sittin' a short distance
away an' 'pon me word, but he was the most sorrowful lookin' grasshopper I ever
saw before or since. Then all of a sudden a monster whale comes up from the sea
and lies down beside him an' ses: 'Well,' ses he, 'is that you? Who'd ever
think of finding you here. Why, there's nothing strange under the sun but the
ways of woman.'
"''Tis me that's here, then,' said the
grasshopper. 'Me grandmother died last night an' she wasn't insured either.'
"'The practice of negligence is the
curse of mankind and the root of sorrow,' ses the whale. 'I suppose the poor
old soul had her fill of days, an' sure we all must die, an' 'tis cheaper to be
dead than alive at any time. A man never knows that he's dead when he's dead
an' he never knows he's alive until he's married.'
"'You're a great one to expatiate on
things you know nothing about, like the barbers and the cobblers,' said the
grasshopper. 'I only want to know if you're coming to the funeral to-morrow?'
"'I'm sorry I can't,' ses the whale.
'Me grandfather is getting married, for the tenth time, an' as I was in China
on the last few occasions I must pay me respects by being present at
to-morrow's festivities,' ses he.
"'I'm sorry you can't come,' ses the
grasshopper, 'because you are heartily welcome an' you'd add prestige to the
ceremony besides.'
"'I know that,' ses the whale, 'but
America doesn't care much about ceremony.'
"'Who told you that?' ses the
grasshopper.
"'Haven't I me eyesight, an' don't I
read the newspapers,' ses the whale.
"'You mustn't read the society
columns, then,' ses the grasshopper.
"'Wisha, for the love of St. Crispin,'
ses the whale 'have they society columns in the American newspapers?'
"'Indeed they have,' ses the
grasshopper, 'and they oftentimes devote a few columns to other matters when
the dressmakers don't be busy.'
"'America is a strange country surely,
a wonderful country, not to say a word about the length and breadth of it. I
swam around it twice last week without stoppin,' to try an' reduce me weight,
an' would you believe me that I was tired after the journey, but the change of
air only added to me proportions.'
"'That's too bad,' said the
grasshopper.
"'Are you an American?' said the
whale.
"'Of course I am,' ses the
grasshopper. 'You don't think 'tis the way I'd be born at sea an' no
nationality at all like yourself. I'm proud of me country.'
"'And why, might I ask?'
"'Well don't we produce distinguished
Irishmen? Don't we make Americans of the Europeans and Europeans of the
Americans? Think of all the connoisseurs who wouldn't buy a work of art in
their own country when they could go to Europe and pay ten times its value for
the pot-boilers that does be turned out in the studios of Paris and London.'
"'There's nothin' like home industry,'
ses the whale, 'in a foreign country, I mean.'
"'After all, who knows anything about
a work of art but the artist? and very little he knows about it, either. A work
of art is like a flower, it grows, it happens. That's all. An' unless you
charge the devil's own price for it, people will think you are cheating them.'
"'Wisha, I suppose the best anyone can
do is to take all you can get an' if you want to be a philanthropist, give away
what you don't want,' ses the grasshopper.
"'All worth missing I catches,' ses
the whale, 'an' all worth catchin' I misses, like the fisherwoman who missed
the fish and caught a crab. How's things in Europe? I didn't see the papers
this morning.'
"'Europe is in a bad way,' ses the
grasshopper. 'She was preaching civilization for centuries so that she might be
prepared when war came to annihilate herself.'
"'It looks that way to me,' ses the
whale. 'Is there anything else worth while going on in the world?'
"'There's the Irish question,' ses the
grasshopper.
"'Where's that, Ireland is?' ses the
whale. 'Isn't that an island to the west of England?'
"'No,' ses the grasshopper, 'but
England is an island to the east of Ireland.'
"'Wisha,' ses the whale, 'it gives me
indigestion to hear people talking about Ireland. Sure, I nearly swallowed it
up be mistake while I was on a holiday in the Atlantic last year, an' I'm sorry
now that I didn't.'
"'An' I'm sorry that you didn't try,'
ses the grasshopper. 'Then you'd know something about indigestion. The less you
have to say about Ireland the less you'll have to be sorry for. Remember that
me father came from Cork.'
"'Can't I say what I like?' ses the
whale.
"'You can think what you like,' ses
the grasshopper, 'but say what other people like if you want to be a good
politician.'
"'There's nothin' so much abused as
politics,' ses the whale.
"'Except politicians,' ses the
grasshopper. 'Only for the Irish they'd be no one bothering about poetry and
the drama to-day. Only for fools they'd be no wise people an' only for sprats,
hake, and mackerel there 'ud be no whales an' a good job that would be, too.'
"'What's that you're saying?' ses the
whale very sharply.
"'Don't have me to lose me temper with
you,' ses the grasshopper.
"'Wisha, bad luck to your impudence
an' bad manners, you insignificant little spalpeen. How dare you insult your
superiors?' ses the whale.
"'Who's me superior?' ses the
grasshopper. 'You, is it?'
"'Yes, me then,' ses the whale.
"'Another word from you,' ses the
whale, 'an' I'll put you where Napoleon put the oysters.'
"'Well,' ses the grasshopper, 'there's
no doubt but vanity, ignorance and ambition are three wonderful things an' you
have them all.'
"'Neither you nor Napoleon, nor the
Kaiser himself an' his hundred million men could do hurt or harm to me. You
could have every soldier in the German Army, the French Army, an' the Salvation
Army lookin' for me an' I'd put the comether on them all.'
"'I can't stand this any longer,' ses
the whale, an' then and there he hits the rock a whack of his tail an' when I
went to look for the grasshopper, there he was sitting on the whale's nose as
happy an' contented as if nothing happened. An' when he jumped back to the rock
again he says: 'A little exercise when 'tis tempered with discretion, never
does any harm, but violent exertion is a very foolish thing if you value your
health. But it is only people who have no sinse but think they have it all who
make such errors.'
"'If I could get a hold of you,' ses
the whale, 'I'd knock some of the pride out of you.'
"'That would be an ungentlemanly way
of displaying your displeasure,' ses the grasshopper.
"'I'd scorn,' ses he, 'to use violent
means with you, or do you physical injury of any kind. All you want is
self-control and a little education. You should know that quantity without
quality isn't as good as quality without quantity.'
"'Sure 'tis I'm the fool to be wasting
me time listening to the likes of you,' ses the whale. 'If any of me family saw
me now, I'd never hear the end of it.'
"'Indeed,' ses the grasshopper, 'no
one belonging to me would ever recognize me ever again if they thought I was
trying to make a whale behave himself. There would be some excuse for one of my
attainments feeling proud. But as for you!--'
"'An' what in the name of nonsense can
you do except give old guff out of you?'
"'I haven't time to tell you all,' ses
the grasshopper. 'But to commence with, I can travel all over the world an'
have the use of trains, steamers, sailing ships and automobiles and will never
be asked to pay a cent, an' I can live on dry land all me life if I choose,
while you can't live under water, or over water, on land or on sea, and while all
the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't catch me if they were trying
till the crack of doom, you could be caught be a few poor, harmless sailors,
who wouldn't know a crow from a cormorant, and who'd sell your carcass to make
oil for foolish wives to burn an' write letters to other people's husbands an'
fill the world with trouble.'
An' what about all the whalebone we
supplies for ladies' corsets an' paper knives, and what about all the stories
we make for the novelists an' the moving pictures an'--'"
"We're at the Sprig of Holly
now," said Felix. "Is it a pint of porter or a bottle you'll
have?"
"I'll have a pint, I think," said
Standish.
IN
BERLIN[15]
BY MARY BOYLE O'REILLY
From _The Boston Daily Advertiser_
[15] Copyright, 1915, by The Boston Daily
Advertiser.
The
train crawling out of Berlin was filled with women and children, hardly an
able-bodied man. In one compartment a gray-haired Landsturm soldier sat beside
an elderly woman who seemed weak and ill. Above the click-clack of the car
wheels passengers could hear her counting: "One, two, three,"
evidently absorbed in her own thoughts. Sometimes she repeated the words at
short intervals. Two girls tittered, thoughtlessly exchanging vapid remarks
about such extraordinary behavior. An elderly man scowled reproval. Silence
fell.
"One, two, three," repeated the
obviously unconscious woman. Again the girls giggled stupidly. The gray
Landsturm leaned forward.
"FrÃ¤ulein," he said gravely,
"you will perhaps cease laughing when I tell you that this poor lady is my
wife. We have just lost our three sons in battle. Before leaving for the front
myself I must take their mother to an insane asylum."
It became terribly quiet in the carriage.
Category:Illustrated Sunday News
Category:O'Brien