Episode 415: Anne Murray/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 415: Anne Murray.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Oh Anne? Anne Murray? 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Murray.
Anne 	Thanks, Scooter.
 	Scooter wheels around the dressing room on a skateboard.
Anne 	Say, is skateboarding allowed in the theater?
Scooter	Nope. Strictly forbidden. It's for some dumb reason, though I don't know why.
 	
 	He crashes into a table with dinnerware. He gets up, dazed.
Scooter	I just remembered the reason.
 	Anne takes to the camera.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Anne Murray! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	Floyd plays a guitar solo, until a gorilla crashes cymbals on his head.
 	
 	Instead of blowing his trumpet, Gonzo blows the horn of a cow.
Gonzo 	Another television first!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show we have for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely recording star and entertainer, Miss Anne Murray! But, before we meet Miss Murray, we have a sensational opening number. Now I'm not going to tell you anything about it, because I want it to be a real surprise and — uh — just a second.
 	A loud motor is heard behind the curtain.
Kermit 	Hey, uh — hey back there? Uh, would you turn off that, uh, that uh, ahem, chainsaw? Turn off the chainsaw.
Fozzie 	Kermit — Kerm - Kermit? Kermit. That's not a chainsaw. That — that's the motorcycle for Miss Piggy's opening number.
Kermit 	(sotto) I know it's a motorcycle. I was trying to keep it from the audience!
Fozzie 	(covers his mouth) Oh. (taps his head and whispers) Gotcha. Gotcha. (goes behind the curtain) Uh, hey, hey guys, back there? Uh, turn off that … (glances at crowd) … chainsaw! (taps Kermit) Got it. (exits)
Kermit 	I don't know why I even try. Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, featuring Miss Piggy on a motorcycle.
Fozzie 	You blew it! It's not a motorcycle! …
 	They bicker their way offstage.
 	
 	Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob, and the pigs perform "I Get Around" as a biker gang.
Statler	What do you think of pigs on bikes?
Waldorf	I never have liked road hogs.
 	They chuckle.
Statler	"Road hogs"! (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN) 	Round, round, round, we got around that.
Kermit 	That's a good number, guys.
Link Hogthrob	(vrooms)
Miss Piggy 	(to Link) Cool it, porko. The number is over.
Link Hogthrob	… put-put-put-put … (exits)
Kermit 	Oh boy. (looks over the rundown)
Miss Piggy 	Kermie?
Kermit 	Yeah?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermie, you know, you and I should have done that number together.
Kermit 	Oh?
Miss Piggy 	You'd be very attractive in the "leather and goggle" look.
Kermit 	Well, I'd just need the leather. I already got the goggle look.
Miss Piggy 	(admires him) Yes. I just love your eyes. Ohh. They're like — like — two ping-pong balls floating in a pond of green algae. (sighs, runs off)
Kermit 	Must be true. Everybody says the same thing.
 	Scooter wheels by.
Scooter 	Whoa! I'm in trouble! I can't stop! WHOAAA!
Kermit 	Try to run into something soft and well-padded!
Scooter 	WHAAA — Miss Piggy!
 	She turns her head and screams. Scooter crashes into her and scoops her up.
=="Snowbird"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest…
 	Scooter wheels by on the skateboard, carrying Piggy. They crash on the other side.
Kermit 	Uh, our very special guest, with one of my very favorite songs, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray!
 	Open on a wintry setting. Anne emerges and sings "Snowbird" as white birds fly behind her. She sits on a tree stump and talks to a dodo.
Dodo 	Hi-de-ho there! (chuckles) Hi there, pretty lady! Uh, singin' to the snowbirds, huh?
Anne 	Um, yes. Who are you?
Dodo 	Oh, I'm the dodo who lives around here. (chuckles)
Anne 	(chuckles) Well, this is a beautiful forest.
Dodo 	Oh, really? They're tearing it all down.
Anne 	You're kidding?
Dodo 	Nope. Gonna build apartment houses. Yep, rip out the trees, brick up the creek — (laughs) — apartments everywhere!
Anne 	I didn't know birds built apartment houses.
Dodo 	Oh, yeah, these are especially built for birds.
Anne 	Oh?
Dodo 	Yeah. They're "condor-miniums"! (laughs)
Anne 	(laughs) Uh, can I get on with my song now?
Dodo 	Yeah, but you'd better sing fast. The bulldozers are coming.
 	
Anne 	(with dodo) Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly … away with you.
 	Applause.
Waldorf	What were those little flying things?
Statler	Snowbirds.
Waldorf	Oh. S'no good, either.
==Backstage==
 	Anne and the birds, including the dodo, pass Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay! Great number. Great — now, that was just wonderful, Anne.
Anne 	Thank you.
Dodo 	Hey! What about me?
Kermit 	Uh, well, to be honest, I hate bird jokes.
Anne 	Oh, come on, Kermit. He just did it for a lark. (giggles)
Dodo 	(laughs)
 	Beauregard wheels a backdrop. Scooter appears in the balcony.
Kermit 	(stammers) Oh, boy. Oh — oh, Scooter? Scooter, would you tell the Mexican hat dancers they're on next?
Scooter 	Oh, I did.
Kermit 	Uh, good. Uh, Scooter, uh, you're — you're not riding your skateboard up there, are you?
Scooter 	Nope. I left it downstairs.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Uh …
 	He slips on the skateboard and tears through the backdrop. The dancers all laugh at him.
Kermit 	Uh, you think that's funny, huh?
 	
Dancer (JN)	Si! Mucho ha-ha!
 	The dancers continue laughing.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, well, here's another mucho ha-ha for you — you see, your set is ruined and so the Mexican hat dance number has to be canceled! (exits)
 	The dancers all express disappointment.
Dancer (JN)	Aww! Doña Maria!
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	And now for this Muppet newsflash. Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper. The paper was inscribed with the following message, quote, "Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper."
 	
 	The paper goes up in flames, much to his astonishment.
==Koozebane==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, there's been a last-minute program change. Uh, the Mexican hat dancers have graciously stepped aside —
 	The dancers throw their hats at him and curse.
Kermit 	Uh … ahem … so that, uh, so that we may present the following piece of weirdness.
 	Open on Planet Koozebane. Green Heap trudges.
Green Heap 	
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	(streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap 	(glances) …
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	(streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap 	
Wonder. Wonder. Wonder. Wonder.
Wonder. Wonder.
Silver Beak	(streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap 	
Trudge. Wonder. Trudge. Wonder.
Trudge. Wonder.
Silver Beak	(streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap 	
Wonder. Fess. Wonder. Fume.
Wonder. Fret.
Silver Beak	(streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap 	(picks up club)
Fuss. Fume. Fuss. Fret.
Fret. Fume. SMASH! SMASH! (whacks Silver Beak)
 	
Silver Beak	Groan. Groan.
Green Heap 	Chuckle. Chuckle.
Silver Beak	
Moan. Whimper. Groan. Whimper.
Moan. Whimper.
Green Heap 	Gloat. Gloat.
Silver Beak	Moan. Whimper.
Green Heap 	Chuckle. Gloat.
Silver Beak	Groan. Whimper.
Green Heap 	Giggle. Gloat.
Silver Beak	Moan.
Green Heap 	Giggle.
Silver Beak	Groan.
Green Heap 	Chuckle. Gloat.
Silver Beak	(picks up club) Whimper, SMASH! SMASH!
 	The counterattacks begin.
Green Heap 	BASH! BASH!
Silver Beak	CRASH! CRASH!
Green Heap 	MASH! MASH!
Silver Beak	SMASH!
Green Heap 	SMASH!
 	They lie down, exhausted.
Green Heap 	Pain.
Silver Beak	Ache.
Green Heap 	Hurt.
Silver Beak	Whimper.
Green Heap 	Ohhh. Ohh, ohh. Pacify. … Pacify.
Silver Beak	Compromise? Compromise?
Green Heap 	(nods)
Silver Beak	Deal?
Green Heap 	(nods) Deal.
 	They walk together.
Green Heap 	Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	Streak! Streak!
Green Heap 	Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	Streak! Streak!
Green Heap 	Trudge.
Silver Beak	Streak-a!
Green Heap 	Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	Streak-a! Streak-a!
Green Heap 	Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak	Trudge! Streak-a! Streak-a!
Green Heap 	Trudge, streak-a.
Silver Beak	Streak-a! Trudge!
Green Heap 	Trudge, streak-a.
Both 	
Streak-a, trudge. Trudge, streak-a.
Streak-a, streak-a. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, streak-a. Streak-a, trudge.
Trudge, trudge and trudge. Streak!
 	Applause.
==UK spot==
Kermit 	Okay, and now, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from a record-breaking two-day engagement at the Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, parrot jungle — (inhales) — Milton Miller and his Farmyard Philharmonic Trio! YAAAYYY!
 	
 	Milton sings "Is This The Old Sow" while whacking his animals.
Milton 	
The was an old man and he had an old sow,
(*whacks pig*) Ow, (*whacks sheep*) ow, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dow,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
 	Statler and Waldorf stare blankly and shake their heads.
Milton 	Oh, this here a lovely little song and we want y'all to sing along, the whole audience. Here we go.
Now this old sow had three little pigs,
(*whacks pig*) igs, (*whacks sheep*) igs, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dig,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
 	The audience remains quiet and still.
Milton 	Uh, now listen, some of you folks aren't singin'. I want to hear y'all now, here we go. Heh heh heh.
Now these three pigs, they made their best ham,
(*whacks pig*) am, (*whacks sheep*) am, (*whacks duck*) ardl-e-darn,
Suzanne is a funny old man.
 	The audience remains quiet and still.
Milton 	
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funny old man.
Heh heh. Oh, you folks aren't singin' there now, let's hear y'all. Here we go. Last rhyme.
These three little pigs, they had to be stuck,
(*whacks pig*) uck, (*whacks sheep*) uck, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-duck,
Suzanne is a funny old man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
 	The biker pigs gang up on him.
Milton 	Oh — oh — what's the matter with you people? How come you don't sing?
Biker Pig (JH)	'Cause this is a dumb song.
 	The curtain closes.
==Dressing room==
 	Anne puts on lipstick. There's a knock on the door.
Anne 	Come in.
Zoot 	Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss, uh …
Anne 	Murray.
Zoot 	Yeah. (shuts the door) Miss Murray, I'm, uh … uh …
Anne 	Zoot.
Zoot 	Yeah. Yeah. (she giggles) Well, I just came up to your, uh …
Anne 	Dressing room?
Zoot 	Yeah. Because, because, I was looking for my, uh …
Anne 	Saxophone. (gives it to him)
Zoot 	Yeah. Anything else you wanna know?
Anne 	(giggles) No, that about covers it. You know, there's just one way to keep from losing that thing.
Zoot 	What's that?
Anne 	Keep blowing it.
Zoot 	Good thinking.
 	
 	Zoot starts playing. Anne starts singing "Walk Right Back". The rest of the Electric Mayhem soon join them.
Anne 	(midway through) Take it, Zoot.
 	Zoot plays a sax solo before she finishes. Applause.
Janice	Fer sure.
Anne 	That's very nice, uh …
Zoot 	Zoot.
 	She nods.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit notices Silver Beak and Purple Heap mumbling.
 	
Kermit 	Hey, are those guys still here? They finished their number along time ago. Why don't they go home?
Beauregard	They say they want transportation.
Kermit 	Transportation?
Beauregard	Yeah. They say they're waiting for their chauffeur. (walks off)
Kermit 	Ahem. Uh, guys, there seems to be some misunderstanding here. You see, we never, ever —
 	They start manhandling him.
Kermit 	— absolutely never fail to provide transportation! (they let him go) Uh, your chauffeur's name is SCOOTER!
Scooter 	Oh — okay, boss!
Kermit 	Why don't you wait there by the door, and he'll come and pick you up. (they head for the exit) Scooter?
Scooter 	(wheels by) Whoaaaa! Ready!
Kermit 	Uh, your passengers are down there by the door.
Scooter 	Okay!
 	He wheels down the stairs, and they all go crashing through the exit.
=="Dancing on the Ceiling"==
 	Beauregard lies in bed as a ghostly girl dances on the ceiling.
 	
Beauregard	
She dances overhead,
On the ceiling near my bed.
In my sight,
Through the night. (scats)
I try to hide in vain,
Underneath my counterpane.
There's my love,
Up above.
 	He plays a harmonica solo as she dances.
Beauregard	
I love my ceiling more,
Since it is a dancing floor,
Just for … my love.
 	She accidentally breaks a hole in the ceiling. An old lady peeps through the hole.
Old lady 	How many times have I told you?! No dancing on the ceiling!
==Muppet Sports==
 	The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger	Welcome again to the wild world of Muppet Sports. Louis Kazagger here in Glasgow, Scotland, where Angus MacGregor is about to attempt to break the world record for bagpipe eating.
 	Angle on Angus at a table, warming up.
Louis Kazagger	And there's Angus, obviously at the peak of his form. And there's the bagpipe.
 	
 	A referee fires a pistol.
Louis Kazagger	And they're off! Angus bends back for a tremendous first bite and overhand — oh, wait!
 	He stabs the bagpipe with a fork, and it comes to life and starts attacking him.
Louis Kazagger	Stop! Don't eat that bagpipe! It's not dead yet!
 	MacGregor struggles to beat the bagpipe.
Louis Kazagger	Somehow MacGregor has gotten hold of a live bagpipe, one of the deadliest creatures known to man! Wait! This is incredible. MacGregor seems to be getting the upper hand! Yes, it's true, and here it is! A genuine highland fling!
 	MacGregor spins it around and throws it on the ground. The crowd goes wild.
Louis Kazagger	And there you have it, folks! One of the most astounding feats ever!
 	The bagpipe gets up and starts firing through its pipes. Louis flees.
Louis Kazagger	Wh — oh no! It's that — oh, they're re-bagging! Oh, help!
==Backstage==
 	The bagpipe chases Louis backstage, still firing.
Louis Kazagger	(screams)
Scooter 	Sheesh. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah?
Scooter 	Can we do some skateboard tricks onstage?
Kermit 	Uh, well, maybe next week, Scooter. Uh, we're just about to do the closing number now.
 	
Scooter 	Oh, gee. My uncle who owns this theater, and who's in the audience tonight, and who won't be here next week because he's talking to his accountant about a big rent increase …
Kermit 	Yeah.
Scooter 	… would be very disappointed.
Kermit 	(sigh) Scooter. Shouldn't you be getting your skateboard ready for the closing number?
Scooter 	Oh, thanks, chief! (runs off)
Kermit 	(frowns) Some chief. Taking orders from the papoose.
=="Everything Old Is New Again"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare, frowning.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen — uh, and of course, Scooter's uncle — once again, it is time for our guest star — and our skateboards — so, let's have a really big hand for Miss Anne Murray! YAAAY!
 	
 	For the closing number, Anne sings "Everything Old Is New Again" while Scooter, Fozzie, Lew Zealand, pigs from the biker gang, Zoot (playing his sax), and some Whatnots skate around on skateboards.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit rolls onstage.
Kermit 	Heyyyy … this is easier than I thought! Whaaaa… anyway, it's time to go, but we can't until we've said goodbye to a wonderful lady and a great singer, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray! YAAAAYY — whaaaa!
 	Applause as she comes out.
Anne 	Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been a lot of fun. You people are just wonderful …
 	She pats him on the back, which sends him rolling into the orchestra pit. He gets his head stuck in a French horn; Anne pulls him up.
Anne 	Kermit, are you alright?
Kermit 	Uh — yeah — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Other Muppets roll by as Anne blows Kermit out of the horn.
Kermit 	Uh, thanks a lot, Anne.
 	The credits roll.
Statler	You know, something doesn't have to be funny to be good.
Waldorf	What'd you think of this show?
Statler	It was good!
 	They laugh.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts