S06E13: The Gang Reduces a D&D Icon to Rubble

== Previously on MCVFD ==
The gang had a whole sneaky adventure down the stairs in the Temple of Moloch until Kanye showed up naked and fought a giant owl spider. We then found a secret door, then a workshop with the other human sculptors and Nissa’s precious half-book of golems..
Then we went to the room with a statue somewhere, Avelryth got distracted, the rest of the group met a spooky ghost and a secret hallway behind a tapestry, and then there were a bunch of guards at the end of a hallway, and something about rakes.
Apparently there were marbles and bees involved, and then the group went back and pissed off the ghost that immediately inhabited the body of the giant statue and stood up.
== Session ==
Kanye is clinging to the statue, having just pried off one of it’s eyes.
Nissa is standing in the hallway leading to the priest’s outcove.
Averlyth is in a back corner somewhere.
Sortih and Um are in the middle of the room somewhere.
Everyone watches in horror as the eidolon flies into the statue and it stands up. There is now a giant statue with Kanye clinging to its head in front of us.
Um retreats to the ceiling, uncertain of the magic and stone enemy.
Kanye is clinging to the statue. He is inspired, naked and covered in grease.
Kanye is elaborating to the team how badly he wants to trip the statue for some reason and then use titanic growth and also summon his armor with epona’s song from Nissa? This is too complicated.Averlyth: We literally have 2 other whip abilities. I have a whip ability, sorith has a whip abilityDM: Kanye has a whipKanye is scurrying behind statues’ head and giving Averlyth a signal, so she can meld the legs together to “trip” him after he turns giant after bracing himself against the wall.
Sorith casts Shatter at the statue’s legs, blasting them with thunder damage. Some noticeable cracks appear on both of it’s shins and it staggers a bit.
Nissa finally gets an opportunity to cast heat metal on the wires in the statue’s eyeballs, causing fire damage.
Averlyth runs towards the left leg of the statue and exaggerates one of the cracks that Sorith created, slicing through the foot all anime style. The next time it steps forward, the foot stays in place, and it starts to fall.
It starts to fall, Averlyth is out of danger, Um is on the ceiling, Nissa is in the hallway, Sorith effortlessly dodging.
Kanye struggles with the fact that Nissa forgot to play Epona’s song to summon his suit (with the giant weapons) and decides to cast Titantic Growth.
The statue stands up and is unaware that Kanye is behind it and slams the ground near Averlyth twice, bringing her down to zero.
The statue turns around and gives Sorith an angry look and starts heading towards him.
Um approaches the wires connecting to the statue. There’s no indication that they’re doing anything - no energy emanating from anything, no obvious visual indicators. Um managed to complete some magical circuit - he does not take damage, but it was a very close thing.
He manages to snip the wire, but the wire immediately knits itself back together, it appears to be self-repairing.
Kanye is thinking about what he’s going to do to the statue on it’s knees.Kanye: And we’ve already established it has no orifices?Kanye has a brief moment deciding what exactly he needs to be prioritizing next.DM: I’d totally buy that Kanye took one look at Averlyth unconscious on the ground and goes “that’s the cleric’s job”DM: I’m finally going to say the words you always want me to say: please give me an athletics check.Kanye : ~I WOULD LOVE TO~Kanye slides down under the statue - the statue looks down between it’s legs as it feels the air, and he winks at it - and he kicks it up into the air and it sails forward, colliding with the wall.
After the collision, the statue staggers up and turns around to face Kanye, still on it’s knees. There are new cracks and the silver wire and still burning hot, it’s covered in really severe deep cracks.
Before there’s a chance to do anything else, there’s a sudden noise from the hallway that can only be described as the sound of a squad of guards running down the hallway, stepping on rakes, being stung by bees, and slipping on marbles all at the same time. They sound very upset.
Kanye uses an action surge to grapple this creature. It didn’t really go quite the way he wanted it to go - confined spaces, statue on its knees, you know. He tried again and still no luck - he’s still naked, kinda close quarters, he’s greased up, you know.
Sorith uses the Wand of Web to block off the entrance into the room where the guards were likely going to show up.Nissa: So I have some options guys. I can do 3 things but only 2 in one turn. I can save the cleric, I can summon the suit, and I can do 5d8 damage.Averlyth: Oh I’m just bonding with Bane here, do damage.DM: Lucky for you, the cleric doesn’t get a vote!Kanye: I”m kinda digging the no suit kanye, thoughNissa: The rest of us aren’t though, so uhhhhhAverlyth fails her first saving throw.
Kanye: Welcome to the death saving throw club!
The statue hits Kanye once, misses once. He spends a superiority die to riposte but misses as well.
The sound in the hallway of the guards - they’ve managed to make their way past the rakes and then run full board into the webs. Two lizard shaman get caught in the webs, two struggle through.
Um does a drive by healing, scurrying down from the ceiling, administering a health potion to Averlyth, and then running back up for safety. She’ll be prone but conscious in her next turn.
Kanye - who by this point absolutely thinks his armor is lucky - fails to grapple the statue again.Averlyth, unconscious from the floor: Just punch it! For the love of Bane..Kanye winks and then punches the statue in the face as hard as he can (with a superiority die). He learns that the statue is resistant to non-magical damage right now, but thankfully Kanye’s Titanic Growth otherwise doubles his damage.
The statue has gone prone.
Nissa grants Kanye a healing surge and an action surge with “Shake It Off”. After fumbling with his dice configuration in dndbeyond, he kills the statue. An angry ghost rises from the statue and flies down a hallway.
One of the lizard folk emerges from the webs just in time to see the statue of the god they worship crumble before his eyes. Kanye whirls around to face the dismayed guard.
Kanye shouts: I am Kanye Cantaliber from the House of Cantaliber! Where is your god now?!
The lizardfolk points at the rubble.
Kanye goads him and then squishes him into a pile of jelly.
The two lizardfolk that were in the webs gave up trying to make their way into the room and retreat. The last lizardfolk realizes after a moment that he’s alone with no backup and then decides to leave.
Sorith punches him on the way out. He staggers and keeps running.
The instant the battle is over, Kanye’s armor flies in playing March of the Valkyries, immediately ejecting 2 weapons to Kanye. He shakes his head at the suit, his suit gives him a thumbs up because it doesn’t understand sarcasm.
Kanye shrinks and effortlessly falls into his suit in exhaustion. Averlyth casts a prayer of healing on herself and saves a spell slot by not creating food and water for Kanye because Woodhouse packed him a brown bag containing a burrito.
Sorith starts prying the other ruby out of the statue.Um: When those guards ran back through the hallway, those rakes would’ve hit them in the back of the head instead of the front, then?DM: I think they would’ve known the rakes were there this time.Sorith: But the bees were still there!The rubies in the statue are not components of the Infernal Machine, though they’re connected to wires in the statue? Kanye takes them both for the band fund.
Um looks at the second ruby and his trained eye tells him holy shit each of the rubies are worth 5000 gold.
Kanye believes we are in the Temple of the Owlbear Surprise.
The group thinks about the wires going through the walls that Averlyth created. She can fix it, but she needs spell slots again, so the group is considering leaving the dungeon for a nap overnight.Sorith: They might have more guards.Nissa: But they don’t have more statues!DM: I refer back to the hall on the map named “Hall of Statues”....The group is thinking about how to properly wrap up the session while preparing ourselves for the next battle, as we’re currently in the middle of hostile territory.Um: This is part of the hero stories you never hear about, when we find a closet to take a nap.DM: Well when you phrase it that way it sounds bad.The group is retreating into the priests’ alcove. This room is sparsely decorated, there is a small shrine in the back to Moloch. There’s some old shelves with decayed priestly scrolls and robes, but it’s clear no physical being has lived in this room for a long time.
Kanye searches it for treasure and instead finds a good spot to hang up his hammock.
Nissa played a restful song, someone made some tea, we’re all ready to head out.
As we’re walking to in single file, Kanye is in front, with his unbreakable martini glass gifted from Woodhouse.Sorith: YOu literally have a dispenser that goes into your mouth, why do you need a beverage?Kanye: So I can do dramatic things with my beverageKanye notices nothing. And takes a deep swig of whatever he’s drinking.
Nissa has a matching martini. Neither of them notice until we’re back in the hallway, we now hear ticking.
Just a moment too late, we see a walking clockwerk heart about the size of a chicken. It walks into the room, sees us and does a comical double take and then turns and runs away. Thesselar definitely knows we are here now.Nissa: I’m proud of us