Salacious Saga

Disclaimer: This story contains many poorly written sex jokes as well as vulgar language. But come on, only a :b:irgin wouldn't read it. And only a :b:irgin would read this disclaimer.
For the prequel, see Epic Expedition.
== The Setting ==
=== Characters ===
==== Protagonists ====
* Samuel "Sam" Darkwalker - a former Outlander turned drunkard and sex offender. Has been in a Dashari prison for the last two years.
==Prologue - The Adult Male Who Was Not So Good==
Ah, Aquila. The rectangular prism world drifting through emanation, very interestingly packed with many things. It is a world where the chief differentiator between men is not their skin tone but their nationality. I, for one, don’t hate the Kazimiri but would never let my daughter date one of those chair pissers. But lo: beneath the surface brews a fiery abyss. That’s called the lithosquare and it has a lot of like, magma and stuff. Also, shit is about to hit the fan.
On a cool night in the Dashari desert, a man of ambiguous sexuality glided through the sky in a pair of discount salmon shorts and leftover Halloween pixie wings. His maneuvers were graceful, but were interrupted suddenly when he was struck by a lightning bolt. He plummeted to the ground and fell assfirst to the ground. Thankfully, his supple cheex absorbed the impact and dispersed the force in the form of 300 trillion demons that would plague the player party in random encounters henceforth.
The salmon shorts-clad man hated sand and the coarse material had gotten everywhere, so he took a moment to dust himself off while crying about something stupid. He made his way to the nearby oasis-side cabin and busted through the window.
This time, he thought, FALIK wouldn’t escape.
“PUT YO MUFUCKIN HANDS UP STUPID ***” said the pixieman.
“Oh, shit, is that you Koom? What’s up? The door was open...”
“Ugh, I’ve been having the most terrible day. Moira woke me up at like, 3 AM and told me we’d be starting the live-action movie today. Apparently I’m supposed to torture you for information first. Sorry, ππ” responded Koom.
“Oh, okay. You got my lines?”
“I SAID PUT YO MUFUCKIN HANDS UP STUPID ***” responded Koom before whipping out his flip phone. It’s the 40s, man, get over it.
“Koom… w-what’re you doing! Why are you here!??!” asked ππ, so frightened out of his wits his hot pink bath towel slipped off. “What do you want?!?”
“It’s simple. Tell me where your headquarters are. Please. Seriously, we have to stop this unfunny penis joke from being in every epsiode” demanded Koom.
“N-no! Go away! You’ll never get anything from me!!” exclaimed ππ.
“Then I’m afraid we’ll be doing this the Dreitonese way” responded Koom as he lifted the flip phone closer to his face and began to dial a number.
“KOOM! DON’T DO IT!!!”
“My dad is a lawyer.”
Category:Invidere