The Company I Work for Has a Wonderful Christmas Tradition

At my company’s annual Christmas party there’s always a table full of presents. One of the presents is extra special – we just don’t know which one. At this year’s party there were about three hundred employees gathered in the event space on the first floor, far below the offices and boardrooms on the upper floors where the company typically does business.
We’d all been led inside and instructed to pick one of the nicely wrapped gifts off the table. This was no different from the year before, or any of the years before that. I selected one at random – there was no point in trying to figure out which box held which gift, so I just grabbed something from the middle of the table. Last year I unwrapped my gift to find a voucher for an all-expenses paid ski vacation to Colorado. My wife, kids, and I had a great time. Another such gift would be greatly appreciated.
Our CEO, Mr. Jackson, was abnormally cheerful, but I suppose that was just the Christmas brandy kicking in. As the happy holiday banter flittered across the room, he stood on a platform and held up his arms to silence the crowd, and then waited for the excited chatter to recede. It was typical for him to place a high priority on brevity, and today was no different. “Well we’ve had yet another very successful year!” he said as drunken applause and enthusiastic hoots and hollers erupted from the crowd. He paused a moment to let everyone quiet down, though the smile on his face showed that he was enjoying the festive atmosphere. “Sales are up 125% over last year,” he continued. “Complaints are down to historically low levels. It’s safe to say that this year we’ve been firing on all cylinders! And Newsweek even named us among the top fifty most ethical companies in the United States!” We all applauded loudly at that.
Mr. Jackson took a moment to soak in all the adulation, and then continued as he looked out to the crowd, “And while we owe most of our success to you, the employee, let’s not forget the good luck and fortune that’s granted upon us each year by our benefactor.” The clapping continued. I looked around the room. The long-term employees seemed to be the happiest, and in fact, even most of the new employees seemed pretty happy as well. There were, however, a couple of first-year employees who appeared to be a bit fidgety.
“And now, let’s get to the reason why we’re all here,” Mr. Jackson said. “The gifts! I hope you all find enjoyment from them.” Mr. Jackson stepped down from the platform as we all looked down at the boxes in our hands.
The tradition in the company is that the lower level employees start opening their gifts first, followed by the supervisors, and then the managers. Even Mr. Jackson gets a gift he must open.  
The sound of wrapping paper being ripped from the boxes spread across the room as the employees anxiously tore into their gifts. Next to me, a young first-year sales associate opened his box. I saw a huge smile of relief spread across his face as he reached inside and pulled out a brand-new Rolex Explorer. “Wow, what a nice watch,” I said to him. He gave a big goofy smile as he slipped it onto his wrist.
Right across from me I watched another newbie pull out a key to a brand-new Mercedes. “Nice!” I shouted to her. She looked around excitedly. “It’ll be parked out front,” I told her. I knew this from experience, since I too was gifted a car several years ago.
Soon all the lower-level employees had opened their gifts, and the supervisors started in on theirs. I began to carefully unwrap mine. I’ll admit, at that moment, I was scared. I spend my entire year feeling great, but every year those few seconds I spend opening my gift seem like they go on for an hour. As I lifted the lid from the box, I was happy to find a stack of cash inside. Can’t go wrong with cash, I thought. I flipped through the stack to get a quick estimate of its value… it was probably about five-thousand dollars. It was right about then that I heard someone scream. I turned around to see Shirley, one of my fellow supervisors, holding an empty box in one hand, and in the other hand, she held the plain rock she’d just pulled out of it. “No!” she said. “This isn’t the box I wanted. I wanted to get that one over there!” She dropped her box and pointed to the lady who had been gifted the Mercedes. “But she grabbed it before I could get it!”
People around her shook their heads in disappointment.
“Shirley,” I said to her in a low tone, “try to be a little more dignified.”
Shirley dropped the rock. It clattered on the ground as those around her began to step back slowly. “No! I won’t be more dignified! This isn’t fair!”
I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed with Shirley’s reaction. She’d worked there long enough to know better than to pitch a fit. Most people who end up with the rock accept the situation graciously, and some even give a brief thank-you speech while they’re still able. Shirley? She was still complaining as she was jerked into the air by some unseen force. She levitated a few feet off the ground as her body began to smolder. Smoke spilled out from the neckline of her blouse. Her hair began singeing at its tips and then burned all the way down to her scalp. Her eyes burst open, spattering vitrea over her nearby coworkers. Dark smoke began spewing from her mouth as her body slowly turned into ash, with the effect starting at her feet and working its way up to her head. After a long minute, Shirley was no more than a pile of slag on the ground.  
I’m going to miss Shirley. It’s true that she didn’t handle herself in a dignified manner when it mattered most, but she was a friendly coworker, and damn good at her job. However, success, and the finer things that accompany it, don’t come without some sort of sacrifice. And a sacrifice must be given, every year.
For those of you worried about Shirley, don’t be. Her husband and children will be well compensated for their loss. After all, the company is incredibly successful and has plenty of money to throw around. And with our powerful benefactor continuing to look out for us, we’re destined to have yet another banner year.
Anyway, if anyone’s looking for a job, we have an opening at the supervisory level. Prior supervisory experience is helpful but not absolutely essential. The job offers fantastic compensation, an unheard-of benefits package, year-long perks, and of course, an absolutely killer annual Christmas party which is not to be missed.
Category:Beings
Category:Christmas
Category:Ritual