The Kids Are Not Alright

==Description==
When a team of teen superheroes needs the firm's help, Harper faces their biggest challenge yet: babysitting.
==Synopsis==
[synopsis]
==Show Notes==
===CAST===
in order of appearance
*Jonny Sims as the Narrator
*Mornal as Harper Hallo
*Rebecca Hanson As Lois
*[Main Cast]
*[Guest cast]
*
===Show Credits===
Story by [data]
Script by [data]
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TRANSCRIPTCold Open
Setting: Cole’s desk.
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! 
And on this day, trouble awaits, the likes of which our heroes have never seen…
HARPER
Morning, Ms. Castillo! I finished my research on the Zalta statute, and --
[Harper is drowned out by a very large crash from the conference room, followed by shouting. It quiets down and a beat passes.]
Um, is something happening in the --
[Sound of something slamming against a wall repeatedly. This time the shouting doesn’t end immediately and Harper has to speak over it.]
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM?
COLE
[Cole waits until the noise dies down to speak]
Oh, yeah, it’s been making noise for, like, half an hour. Bonnie’s --
[Mechanical whirring noises that sound like a laser gun being fired, followed by more screaming]
-- on the verge of an aneurysm.
BONNIE
I hate my job.
HARPER
Okay, but what exactly is --
[Demon noises, Mal hissing]
-- causing all the noise?
LOIS
Mr. Aria is currently in a meeting with the Little Angels team of junior superheroes and their mentors. The mentors are being sued due to some property damage that the team caused. 
HARPER
How does that --
[Sound of a buzzsaw, a cat meowing, more screaming]
Ugh! Why aren’t they interrupting you?
LOIS
I’m dampening the noise from the conference room whenever I speak.
BONNIE
[Bonnie slams her fists on her desk and launches to her feet]
YOU COULD DAMP EN THE NOISE THIS WHOLE TIME??? WHY WEREN’T YOU???
LOIS
You didn’t ask.
BONNIE
PLEASE DAMPEN THE NOISE, LOIS.
LOIS
Of course, Miss Firestein.
BONNIE
[Bonnie flops back into her chair]
I hate my job!
[Office door swings open]
MAL
[from a distance]
Young Hallo, could you join us? Well, not in this conference room, it’s no longer suitable. LOIS, find a new conference room where Mx. Hallo can join us.
LOIS
[neutral]
Of course, Mr. Aria.
HARPER
[already exhausted with whatever this is]
Of course, Mr. Aria.
Scene 1
Setting: Conference room.
[Harper enters the new conference room to find it already buzzing with energy… literally]
HARPER
[Moving as though they barely avoid something whizzing by]
Hey! I’m carrying coffee here!!!
[Harper’s call falls on deaf ears as colorfully costumed children jump around the room]
WEASEL
[Flipping across the room, maybe the sound of a grappling hook piercing the walls.]
What do I look like? Some kind of amateur? 
CROW
[Putting up a shadow shield as he moves to her]
Hey! Leave me out of this!
MISDEMEANOR
[Small series of explosions from pocket bombs]
Too slow, dumbass!
MOMENTUM
[Voice Doubling Effect as he appears to split into multiple hims lunging at his teammates]
I’m just getting warmed up!
MAL
[Exhausted]
Somebody stop this.
RED CANARY
I’ve got it.
[High-pitched Sonic Scream competes with the children at first but they quickly shut up.]
MOMENTUM
Hey, that’s child abuse!
MAL
Thank you, Red Canary. Young Hallo, I assume you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her and Black Tornado?
HARPER
I haven’t, no.
BLACK TORNADO
It is unfortunate that we are only becoming acquainted under these circumstances.
WEASEL
I told you, it’ll be nothing. The city has tried to sue Ratman plenty of times.
MAL
Mx. Hallo, these are the Little Angels, and they’re in serious trouble. The Mayor can't throw the book at them, but he intends to sue their caretakers and disband the group.
HARPER
Why would the Mayor care about a group of side… 
[The teens audibly bristle]
Young heroes?
MAL
They may have ruined his chances for reelection. In one of the stupidest elections in my not-inconsiderable memory, a large portion of the Mayor’s platform was replacing the Megalopolis football field’s grass with turf. However, a local villain known as the Contender attacked the field recently. The Little Angels went to stop him.
HARPER
Oh, did the field get ruined in the fight?
WEASEL
Of course not! We’re professionals!
MOMENTUM
We played a game of Speedster Tag while we waited for the police!
HARPER
What is-
CROW
[In background]
NO!
HARPER
Speedster Tag?
[The room erupts into the noises and exclamations we heard as we entered the room - let the actors go off on this one]
MAL
[Yelling over the chaos]
Mx. Hallo, join me outside!
[The door shuts behind them. The noise is muffled but still there.]
I need you to keep the children out of the way while we work this case. We’re going to interview their mentors and guardians, and nothing will get done if they’re… cavorting about.
HARPER
But I have other cases I was already working on-
MAL
Clear your schedule, Young Hallo. If I have to watch these brats all day, I’ll show you the exact meaning of bloodsucking lawyer.
HARPER
[Harper gulps]
Yes, sir.
Scene 2
Setting: Walking down the halls, then the IKEA-like records room
[Momentum is zipping around the group as they walk]
MOMENTUM
You wasted a good opportunity to clown on that vampire guy! Blood-sucking, it was right there!
CROW
May I ask where we’re going?
HARPER
To the file room.
LOIS
Mx. Hallo, there is still time to adopt an alternative course of action.
HARPER
I can't put my whole day on hold for this. They can keep each other entertained while I work.
WEASEL
Yeah, just ignore us and we'll keep ourselves busy.
HARPER
[guilty]
I'm sorry. I know it stinks to be passed around like burdens. I promise, once I find these files I'll find some fun stuff for you to do. Weasel, right? Ratman's sidekick? What's your power?
WEASEL
Don't need one when you have superior breeding, training, and charm. Not to mention a superior arsenal.
HARPER
[Chuckling]
I don't really know the rest of you guys yet. But of course you're a speedster.
MOMENTUM 
[can we pan this like he’s running around Harper and the listener?]
Yeah! The fastest boy alive. Momentum, at your service. I work with the Haste. I vibrate fast, I shoot lightning blasts, and I'm here to save the kriffin past.
HARPER
Wow, not bad for a first slogan! Alright, what about you?
CROW
I um… I have shadow powers... from my dad…. who's kind of a demon. I don’t have a mentor, I just work with the team right now.
HARPER
Well, don't worry. The team won’t go away. Mr. Aria is an amazing lawyer.
MISDEMEANOR
Great. Getting saved by a pro skrimp.
HARPER
Not really sure what a skrimp is, but lawyers aren't all bad. What was your name?
MISDEMEANOR
Misdemeanor.
HARPER
Did… did they let you pick that?
[Misdemeanor taps away on his high-tech gauntlet]
HARPER
[Modulated and maybe dubstepped]
DId… dId tHEy leT YoU piCk ThAt?
[normal again, irritated]
Ah. Another techie.
MISDEMEANOR
Back off already, Horker. Go back to ignoring us.
HARPER
[sigh]
Look, just sit tight while I do this. As soon as I'm done I can show you around the office.
CROW
Can I help? With what you’re doing?
HARPER
[Surprised]
Sure. We just have to find some files. It’ll take a bit, plenty of time to get to know each other.
CROW
There isn’t too much to know.
[Noise of Harper and Crow leafing through files, opening drawers, etc. Maybe the other kids in the background.]
HARPER
Well I know next to nothing, so let’s work up to “not much.” What do you like to do for fun?
CROW
I write poetry. It’s not very good. Neither are my powers, really, I can’t control them very well.
HARPER
That’s what everyone says when they start something. Keep at it, you’ll get the hang of both.
CROW
[A twinge of sadness]
Thanks Harper. I’ll keep trying.
HARPER
Okay, grab every folder marked Joyless Greeb from that cabinet. I’m guessing you can’t ask your dad for help with control?
CROW
My dad… wants me to be something I'm not. Being his daughter comes with… expectations.
HARPER
I… totally get it. My parents are supportive, but just being their kid is so much pressure.
CROW
That sucks, but I do wanna stress, my dad is a demon that wants to invade earth.
HARPER
SORRY, that was insensitive!
CROW
[laughs softly]
It’s okay. Thanks for trying. It’s nice just to be able to talk about it. 
[As Harper continues, the sounds of Crow’s shadow powers building up build in the background]
HARPER
You know, I might be able to put you in contact with some heroes that could help you out. I used to do sidekick training before I figured out what I wanted to do. 
CROW
[Weakly]
Harp-
HARPER
I’m sure there’s a hero out there that can teach- 
CROW
HARPER, RUN!
[A shockwave of shadow initiating from Crow spreads outwards and overtakes the room. Sounds of lightbulbs shattering and file cabinets being bowled over. If you listen closely you can hear a super speed, grappling hook and technological sound effect happening in the chaos. Harper's panting, a shrill monster cry, then silence. Emergency lights come on]
HARPER
CROW! Are you okay?
[Harper runs over, helps Crow up]
CROW
[Shuddering]
I’m… I’m okay. Oh no! I made such a mess AGAIN!
HARPER
Hey, beating yourself up isn't gonna help. Let's find the others.
[The pair run over to where the others were]
They’re gone! WEASEL?! MOMENTUM! MISDEMEANOR? 
CROW
[burps softly]
OH NO. Did I eat them? Do humans taste like chili dogs?!
HARPER
[Quietly panicking but trying to be reassuring]
Calm down. You just came from lunch. LOIS, what happened to the kids?
LOIS
They were in a large space filled with things to hide in or behind, so they began to play hide and seek the moment you were out of view. 
HARPER
Did they make it out okay?!
LOIS
Yes, they are currently located–
[Electrical spark]
HARPER
LOIS?
LOIS
[translation: “rebooting”]
The vibes succeed in giving, mid.
HARPER
What?! What does that mean?! What’s going on?!!!!
LOIS
[Teen Speak for “The Kids are loose in the building”]
Caught in the third dimension, oooof. 
HARPER
What???
Scene 3
Setting: Bonnie and Cole’s desk, then a conference room.
[Harper and Crow sprint up to Bonnie and Cole’s desks]
HARPER
MS. FIRESTEIN! MS. CASTILLO! I LOST THE KIDS! THEY’RE LOOSE IN THE BUILDING!
BONNIE
The Little Angels kids? I see one of them here.
HARPER
[speech speeds up as it goes on]
Yes, Crow is still here because she is a good kid. But the others are NOT good kids and I took them all to the filing room so I could get some files and they started playing hide and seek and then…well, there was a distraction, and they’re gone, and I don’t know WHAT’S going on with LOIS and --
BONNIE
Harper, breathe!
HARPER
[a few deep breaths, they calm themself]
They’re running around in the building somewhere with no supervision! What do I do?
BONNIE
Okay, okay, it’s gonna be fine. Um, you – Crow, right? Any idea where your friends went?
CROW
No, sorry. They’re not really my friends. They don’t like me very much.
BONNIE
Okay, well… LOIS, could you please tell us where the sidekicks are?
LOIS
[translation: wherever the sidekicks are]
Fairy emoji, you look tres today! No mediation needed, slug face.
BONNIE
… what?
HARPER
[miserably]
I think one of the kids hacked her. She’s talking like a teen.
BONNIE
This is how teens talk?
LOIS
[translation: “I guess so”]
Legiti-mer-lily.
COLE
So LOIS is out. Okay, um – oh! I just saw some members of the Guardians come up and join Mal and the others in the conference room.
HARPER
Oh my god. They’re gonna be so mad!
COLE
They don’t have to know! But they’ll be a great source of information. Who knows a kid better than their superhero mentor? We can grill them, really subtly!
BONNIE
Wait, wait, wait. That’s not a good idea.
COLE
[wheedling]
Yes it is! Especially if you help us out. You’re the best at sneaking answers out of people. I still think about the time you got that Mayer Corp exec to admit to modifying employees’ timecards -- I dream about it. I was swooning.
BONNIE
[flustered]
… I mean, I guess we could give it a try.
COLE
Best work wife! Alright, come on, let’s go!
[Cole and Bonnie take off. Harper and Crow follow behind.]
CROW
Um, what just happened?
HARPER
You’ll understand when you’re older.
[The gang arrives at the conference room. Bonnie tries the door, but it’s locked.]
BONNIE
LOIS, open the door?
LOIS
[translation: “there’s a meeting in progress, I can’t”]
It doesn’t slay. You’re iced, because that comment is sending me.
BONNIE
Uh… kid, you’re a teen, can you translate?
CROW
Not really. I’m not allowed on the internet. It makes the demon in my brain too excited.
HARPER
Can you ask Mal to open the door, LOIS?
COLE
No! Do not expose Mal to new age slang. It will kill him.
LOIS
[translation: “Deborah the secretary can give you authorization if you talk to her”]
Deborah, maybe if you stopped goofy mode you wouldn’t want to rap battle.
HARPER
Deborah’s a… what?
LOIS
[translation: “goddammit”]
Negative 4K slide!
BONNIE
Oh, for goodness’ sake.
[Bonnie knocks on the door. A beat passes and then it opens.]
MAL
Ms. Firestein? Ms. Castillo? Mx. Hallo? What are you doing here? Where are… most of the kids?
HARPER / BONNIE / COLE
They’re getting some files for me! / They’re in the bathroom. / They all had seizures.
HARPER
Uh… I left some files in the bathroom! With a woman who was… having a seizure.
MAL
[Mal takes a moment to consider whether this is worth the time it would take to deal with whatever this is.]
All right. Do you all need something?
BONNIE
We thought it would be good for Harper to sit in on your interviews! Learn the statement taking process and all that. Excuse me, we’re just gonna…
[Bonnie, Cole, and Harper push their way into the room, Crow following behind and apologizing]
MAL
No, don’t — and you’re in already. Well! It appears some of my associates will be joining us. Apologies for the confusion, heroes.
THE HASTE
Oh, that’s fine. Hey, newcomers!
RATMAN
[all Ratman lines have a Batman voice unless stated otherwise]
Enough small talk. Let’s make this quick, I have a city to save.
COLE
[under her breath]
Okay, bitch.
MAL
We have no intention of taking up more of your time – or ours – than necessary, Mr. Ratman. You four, sit down and don’t interrupt.
[shuffling noises as the gang sits, which Mal speaks over]
Now, I am just going to ask you some basic questions about your charges. Mx. Hallo, since you’re here, you might as well take notes.
HARPER
Oh, yes sir.
MAL
You are not required to answer any questions, especially those that may compromise your or their secret identities, but our Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department is the best, and anything you do share is protected by attorney-client privilege. We’ll start out basic. How did you meet your respective sidekicks? Mr. Golden Cockroach, we’ll start with you.
GOLDEN COCKROACH
It’s actually a really funny story! You all know my Golden Cockroach, right?
MAL
The piece of sentient alien tech that bonded itself to your spine, capable of turning into a super suit of incredible power at will?
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Yeah! Well, Misdemeanor stole it.
MAL
Misdemeanor stole it? The thing melded to your spine?
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Yeah! Hurt real bad. He gave it back after I caught him, though, and he’d actually made some progress trying to hack it. Plus it really liked him. So I thought man, what better way to get this kid on the straight and narrow than giving him a job?
MAL
Right. And would you say that’s going well?
GOLDEN COCKROACH
No I would not.
MAL
Wonderful. Mx. Hallo, please do not write any of that down. Mr. The Haste, how about you?
THE HASTE
Uh, well, Momentum is my… great great great grandnephew? I think? There might be a couple “removed”s in there or something. He time-traveled here from some apocalyptic future so we could stop the world from going sideways, which I’m pretty sure we did. 80% sure. But the time machine was only one-use, so he couldn’t go back to his time, so I was like, hey, free speedster!
MAL
Hm. A Good Samaritan. We can use that. Mr. Ratman?
[Beat. Mal sighs and speaks with irritation.]
Again, you do not have to tell us anything, but if you want us to work this case…
RATMAN
[with clear reluctance]
Weasel’s my son. So. We met at home.
MAL
Wonderful. Alright, moving on —
BONNIE
Sorry, if I could just interrupt.
MAL
The thing I specifically asked you not to do?
BONNIE
Well, the key question in this case is whether Black Tornado and Red Canary were right to leave the sidekicks unsupervised. So, uh, let’s cut to the chase! As the people who know them best, what do your sidekicks usually do when they’re unsupervised?
COLE / HARPER
Wow, incisive question. / Great question, Ms. Firestein!
MAL
[sigh]
Yes, go ahead, I suppose.
RATMAN
Obviously Weasel can be safely left alone. He is a professional; his training was overseen by me personally. And by his mother. But, uh, I think I’ve undone most of the assassin training.
MAL
Pardon, the what?
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Misdemeanor’s the misbehaving type, the little scamp. Usually when I leave him alone he goes off and does, well, some minor crime.
COLE
How about we give you some, uh, example situations? Maybe that’ll help you get more specific. For example, what would happen if the kids were, um, say, alone in a forest overnight?
RATMAN
Weasel would build a fire and try to acquire rations.
THE HASTE
Um, Momentum would probably, like, see if he could build up enough speed to jump from treetop to treetop? Something dumb like that.
GOLDEN COCKROACH
… arson?
BONNIE
Great, and one more completely random, just off the top of my head example, how about more of an office-type setting? Like, say, for instance, this law firm?
MAL
[suspicious]
Ms. Firestein…
THE HASTE
Again, Momentum would want to vent energy, probably by running on whatever seems most fun to run on.
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Yeah, again, Misdemeanor would go… well, wherever he could do misdemeanors. Or felonies.
RATMAN
I think Weasel would find your Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department particularly interesting. He knows the importance of knowing your enemies – and your allies.
BONNIE
Wonderful! Harper, you got all that?
MAL
Wait, no, we don’t want any of that in writing.
HARPER
I’ve got it!
[getting to their feet, suddenly loud]
Oh, Bonnie, Cole, I’ve just remembered! We have to get to that other meeting!
COLE
Yeah, we’d better get going! Bye everyone!
[Door closes behind them as all of them leave. A beat.]
MAL
[under his breath]
Oh, bugger.
Scene 4
Setting: Outside the conference room, then in the halls of the office, then in SIMP
HARPER
Okay, so we can start with –
[Mal closes the door behind him]
MAL
So, you've lost the children?
HARPER
[Feigning innocence]
WHAT?! NOOOOOO
MAL
Oh, don’t even try it. You think I’ve never lost a gaggle of orphans before? You’re lucky none of the Guardians picked up on it. 
HARPER
Mr. Aria, we have to find them. Can you stall?
MAL
Already done. I have them filling out confidentiality forms. Ratman won’t let a single person sign until he’s read every word. It should give us 30 minutes, so we’d better move. You’ll need me to get into SIMP.
[Mal takes the group to SIMP. Which seems to be a cold metallic room with a door at the end. ]
MAL
Crow, wait out here.
[The rest enter. We reach the first door and there’s sounds of an eye and hand scanner. Safe Noises, Various locks, Foley of a secret handshake being done with a robot arm.]
MAL 
[To finish off the handshake]
Shablagoo. Okay, Take these. Don't look anybody in the eyes and let me do the talking. 
BONNIE
Are these Bowler hats?
[The mood changes instantly from the cold metal walk in. Warm jazz music fills the air and a speakeasy feel takes over the scene. Light chatter can be heard in the background].
Huh, everybody is wearing them.
MAL
[Maybe affecting an old timey 20s accent]
Any of you seen a child sneak his way in here?
SIMP AGENT 2
Nope, we’d all have noticed that lickety split.
MAL
Good, he’s not here yet. A small boy is planning to break in here and get a look at your files.
SIMP AGENT 2
No beef on the grill. IF he managed to get in here, there’s no physical info he could crab. Just info stored up here in the old noggins. If he wants the juice, he’s gotta know how to squeeze.
MAL
Then we’ll just have to be on the lookout for anything strange.
WEASEL
[In the distance, tantrum like, deepening his voice but maybe cracking back in frustration]
That son of a bitch just popped out of a portal one day. Jesus, man, crunch the numbers... He has the power to wipe out the human race, and if we believe there's even a one percent chance that he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty... and we have to destroy him.
AGENT AGENT
How often do you practice that speech in the mirror?
WEASEL
[Getting closer to tantrum like, deepening his voice but maybe cracking back in frustration]
I am asking you for the last time. Who can give me the identity of the Duper-boy?
BONNIE
Hey, is that an extremely short 50 year old throwing a temper tantrum about a tween superhero?
[MAL walks up behind him and rips off the mask while he’s continuing on his tantrum]
WEASEL
Hey! My mask!
MAL
We’re done here. 
WEASEL
We are not finished until I have acquired the Duper-Boy’s identity!
COLE
Look, kid, I get it, but you can “research” your crush when you aren’t our responsibility.
[Weasel bluescreens. He stutters constantly as he tries to throw out other explanations]
WEASEL
CRUSH? Pre-pre-preposterous. He’s a threat! No! A menace! I simply need his location and identity to… 
[Let the actor go off here in the background as they drag the sputtering WEASEL out of simp, through the vault room.]
HARPER
Alright! Now we just have to find —
[Play the locking sounds quickly behind them and into the hall just in time to see a whizzing speedster go by.]
— Momentum. Oh no, he could be anywhere in the building in seconds! How are we gonna catch him?
BONNIE
Have you never had to corral a speedster before? 
COLE
Have you?
BONNIE
Circus.
HARPER / COLE
WHAT? / Oh.
BONNIE 
[All of these names could be backers]
This will be easy. Get me Esteban from Marketing, Cassandra from HR, and Laurent from R&D. 
COLE
[whispers] 
God, I love when she gets like this.
BONNIE
LOIS, when I give the signal, announce that there’s funnel cake outside of SIMP. Nobody else will get it thanks to the teen speak. And you Weasel, You have the most important job.
[smash cut to the plan, musical trill probably]
WEASEL
You are aware I'm only helping so I can gloat when you fail.
BONNIE
Yep. And in the chaos, you’ll slip away and get the identity of that boy you want to “bully.”
COLE
Here he comes!
WEASEL
He’s going to avoid the webbing traps, no problem.
BONNIE
That’s the point.
[Momentum zips down the halls, and upon reaching the first wire snare, jumps it and continues zooming]
MOMENTUM
It’s a trap? I love traps!!!
[Momentum runs, jumps, slides, and flips through the crisscrossing wires at super speed]
And the crowd goes wild!!!! 
BONNIE
That’s your cue.
[Weasel steps out of the shadows] 
WEASEL
Nice moves, but a weak finish if you ask me. 
MOMENTUM
WHAT? WEAK?! What should I do to cap it off, oh genius acrobat?
WEASEL
Once you’re out of the trap, you should drift around the corner and down that hallway.
MOMENTUM
FINE!
[Momentum takes it from the top and adds in the drift]
[Sliding still]
OH, cool, what's your energy doing?
[Goo sound effect as momentum is trapped in a wall of jello like slime]
BONNIE
See? Easy.
WEASEL
… that was MAYBE a little impressive.
[The group exits the shadows and goes to look down the hall. They find Momentum floating in seemingly nothing until Cassandra drops the illusion.]
[They pull out Momentum and he coughs while Laurent transforms from blob back to human.]
HARPER
Alright! Two down, one to go, and…. 15 minutes to spare? We’re making good time. 
MOMENTUM
You zixxed me?
WEASEL
I didn’t expect you to fall for it, moron.
MOMENTUM
Well… scramble?
HARPER
NONONO!!!
[Harper grabs them both by the arms as Bonnie and Cole light up their powers ]
Look, you must be under a ton of pressure. When I was training to be a sidekick, all I could think about was how I couldn't let my family down. It’s a lot to put on kids your age, and I know the urge to act out and blow off some steam must be enticing. But you represent some of the world’s greatest heroes. If you straighten up, the world will admire you just like them one day! So please, just stay with us and behave?
[beat]
WEASEL
Scramble.
[more fuss as everyone grabs the kids again]
COLE
Alright, I've got this. You, speedy. You have undiagnosed ADHD. See a doctor and take my Fidgoctogon. 
MOMENTUM
Yesss, I love these things!
[Rapid clicking noises]
COLE
You, little businessman, how do you wanna make 30 dollars?
WEASEL
80.
COLE
50.
WEASEL
Deal.
COLE
Thank you! See, kids are easy.
BONNIE
Says the woman who just lost 50 bucks.
COLE
Now boys, where is Misdemeanor?
MOMENTUM and WEASEL
Breaking into the Smith’s office.
Scene 5
Setting: Outside (then inside) Mr. Smith’s office.
HARPER
Oh, wow, I’ve never been in this hallway before.
MAL
And pray you won’t ever have to be here again. Alright, children. Which office is your fellow in? We’ve got four to choose from.
MOMENTUM
I don’t think he knew there were four Smiths. At least he didn’t say which one he was going to.
LOIS
[translation: teen speech for which office Misdemeanor is in]
He’s not a leading man, leaving lots of crumbs, I’d say off the blueprint!
[all groan]
BONNIE
LOIS, nobody knows what you’re saying.
MOMENTUM
What? I know what she’s saying.
WEASEL
Yeah, he’s in the office on the left.
HARPER
Oh my god, right! We have actual teens now! Oh, sorry, Crow.
CROW
No, I get it.
MAL
The one on the left is… Mr. Schmidt’s office. Misdemeanor’s in the office right now?
LOIS
That bet’s lacking in flavor. About five yikes from the opposite of Lil Nas’ Pole.
MOMENTUM
He’s in the vents. He’ll be in in five minutes.
COLE
Okay, we have five minutes! Mal, why don’t you turn into a bat and go into the vents?
MAL
For the millionth time, I have mosquito powers, not vampire powers.
COLE
You can’t go out in the sun!
MAL
Mosquitos are most active after dusk!
BONNIE
Alright, alright. You, you’re a ninja —
WEASEL
I’m not a ninja, I’m a covert-trained — (assassin)
BONNIE
So do you think you can go into the vents and get Misdemeanor out?
WEASEL
Um, obviously. But it’s going to make some noise.
MAL
Not to worry. Ms. Firestein and I will run interference.
BONNIE
Run interference?
MAL
[gravely]
We are going to speak to Mr. Schmidt.
COLE
[air of someone, like, trying to convince a supervillain to kill them instead of their wife of fifty years]
No! No, please, I’ll go instead!
BONNIE
[equal intensity]
Cole, I can’t let you do that. You would be so bad at it.
MAL
Yes, I’m going to veto that, Ms. Castillo.
COLE
[Still dead serious. She’s holding Bonnie’s hands and looking deeply into her eyes.]
Alright. Just don’t you lose your job, Bonnie Firestein. Don’t you leave me here alone.
BONNIE
[still matching intensity]
I would never. I swear. I’ll come back to you.
CROW
…what?
HARPER
Again, you’ll understand when you’re older.
MAL
If you two are done. The rest of you will stay out here and listen. If anything is about to go wrong… stop it from going wrong. When he’s out, Ms. Castillo can interrupt and rescue her lady.
COLE
My lady?
MAL
Alright, break!
[Weasel disappears into the vent. Mal knocks on Mr. Schmidt’s door, Bonnie behind him.]
Sir? It’s Malcolm Aria and Bonnie Firestein.
[muffled footsteps, Mr. Schmidt gets up and opens the door]
MR. SCHMIDT
Malcom, Bonnie, come in.
MAL
Good morning, sir. I, hm, would actually prefer it if we spoke out here.
MR. SCHMIDT
Why is that?
MAL
Um…
BONNIE
I can’t sit! I have. Hemorrhoids.
COLE
[whispering]
Oh my god.
MR. SCHMIDT
Pardon me?
MAL
Um, yes. Ms. Firestein and I are here to talk to you about a very important issue, and, yes, she does have hemorrhoids, so, er, out of respect for her, we should not sit.
LOIS
[Maybe also whispering? Is there some way to convey that she’s just talking to Harper, Cole, and the kids via sound? The Mr. Schmidt convo can also continue in the background, quieter.]
They’re catching hands, someone’s about to get dragged.
MOMENTUM
[whispering]
She says that Weasel’s made contact with Misdemeanor!
COLE
[whispering]
Let’s hope he works quick, they’re fucking floundering.
MR. SCHMIDT
You sat when we all ate pizza during the associates’ Charles Entertainment Cheese trip.
BONNIE
Well, I didn’t always have hemorrhoids. It’s a… recent development.
MR. SCHMIDT
I see. Do you want somebody to take the chairs out of your office? Is that why you’re up here?
[explosion from the vents]
What was that?
BONNIE
Me, sorry! The hemorrhoids make me gassy!
[creak of metal about to break]
MR. SCHMIDT
That didn’t sound like –
MAL
Mr. Schmidt, I have some very important case information to share with you!
LOIS
[whispered, or whatever we’re doing with her]
The vibes are on the second scale! Side characters, evacuate!
MOMENTUM
[whisper-shouted]
The vent’s giving way!
COLE
[whisper-shouted]
Shit!
MAL
A huge case, with the potential to bring in incalculable publicity for the firm.
MR. SCHMIDT
Who’s the client?
HARPER
Ooh, Crow! Use your powers! Catch them!
CROW
Oh!
[Sound effect journey – the vent bursts, but Crow uses her cool darkness telekinesis to catch Weasel and Misdemeanor and bring them outside to where she and the others are.]
MR. SCHMIDT
What the –
MAL
[basically shouting]
Are you familiar with Universe Bunny, the reality hopping hero?
MR. SCHMIDT
I… yes, naturally, but did you hear –
MAL
He is the one who gave Miss Firestein hemorrhoids!
BONNIE
[pained]
Yep! He accidentally warped reality so that I have hemorrhoids now!
[With the others, Weasel and Misdemeanor are still tussling, and we get a few moments of them yelling.]
MISDEMEANOR
[kinda whispering]
Dude, what the hell! I was gonna email The Guardians and tell them bofa is suing them!
HARPER
[whispering]
What’s bofa?
MISDEMEANOR
[yelling]
BOFA DEEZ –
[Someone slaps a hand over Misdemeanor’s mouth]
COLE
Okay, are we good? Can I go get Bonnie?
HARPER
Yes – wait, no! The office is still a mess! He’ll know someone was in there!
MOMENTUM
[whispering]
Oh, don’t worry! I can take care of that!
[whooshing sound as he runs off to clean the office]
MR. SCHMIDT
Was that wind? We are inside!
MAL
Universe Bunny also left her with a new set of wind powers.
MR. SCHMIDT
She got wind powers and hemorrhoids?
[another woosh as Momentum returns to the others]
MOMENTUM
[whispering]
All clear!
COLE
Mal, Bonnie, LOIS told me to get you, you’re urgently needed downstairs!
LOIS
I’d say, on exclamation point.
[beat]
MR. SCHMIDT
What – (did she)
MAL
WELL, IT SEEMS WE HAVE TO GO!
BONNIE
YEP, URGENT BUSINESS! BYE, MR. SCHMIDT!
[everybody runs away as fast as humanly possible]
Scene 6
Setting: Back at the conference room
MISDEMEANOR
How are you this strong? You’re like, eighty!
MAL
I am physically 46 and chronologically over 600, so I’m not quite sure which direction I should be insulted in.
BONNIE
You know, Cole, I’m not trying to run away. You don’t have to hold onto my arm.
COLE
Shhhh. I can’t believe hemorrhoids was the best you could come up with.
BONNIE
Hey, improv is hard.
COLE
I’m never letting you out of my sight again.
BONNIE
I wasn’t out of your sight; you were watching the whole time.
CROW
Okay, seriously, what’s happening there?
WEASEL
Obviously they’re sleeping together!
[indignant noises from Cole, “Ohhhhhh” from Crow]
HARPER
Weasel! I’m so sorry, you two, I don’t know how you feel about clients knowing you’re dating —
[louder indignant noises from Bonnie and Cole]
BONNIE
We’re not dating!
HARPER
What?
COLE
We’re just friends!
HARPER
But you live together?
BONNIE
We’re roommates!
HARPER
You call each other babe all the time? You collectively refer to your cat as your daughter?
BONNIE
Babe can be platonic, and — wait, why am I arguing with you about this? This isn’t an argument, we’re just not dating.
COLE
What she said!
HARPER
O-okay. Sorry for the assumptions.
[Bonnie and Cole grumble, walking away. Harper mutters under their breath to Crow.]
Okay, maybe you won’t understand when you’re older.
CROW
Well, at least I’m not the only one who’s confused.
[door opening noises, the heroes emerge from the conference room]
THE HASTE
Finished those forms, Mr. Aria!
MOMENTUM
Uncle Haste!
THE HASTE
Hey, kid. Hope you didn’t have too boring a day.
MOMENTUM
No, it was great! I ran around on a lot of stairs, and I learned some new things about myself. Cole says you should take me to a doctor.
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Hello there, Misdemeanor!
MISDEMEANOR
Fuck off cuckroach!
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Now, Misdemeanor, what did we say about that kind of language?
MISDEMEANOR
We said eat my ass!
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Oh, you rascal.
RATMAN
Weasel.
WEASEL
Ratman.
BONNIE
Wow, they’re… wow.
COLE
Right? I’ve never seen two people try so hard not to hug each other.
BLACK TORNADO
I hope they weren’t too much trouble for you, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Oh, of course not! They were absolute angels!
RED CANARY
[doubtful]
Really?
BLACK TORNADO
Any issues with Crow’s powers?
CROW
I –
HARPER
No! Not one. Crow was wonderful, I can say that with absolute honesty.
BLACK TORNADO
Excellent. Well, children, say your goodbyes, then.
CROW
You didn’t have to do that, Mx. Harper.
HARPER
Of course I did! It’s true.
CROW
Um, no, it’s not? I destroyed the file room, remember?
HARPER
Okay, yes, but you were wonderful anyway. I know what family issues and superpower issues are like, and it sucks, but none of it changes how great you are.
CROW
… thank you, Mx. Harper. Can I give you a hug?
HARPER
[delighted]
Of course! Who are we, Ratman and Weasel? Come here!
THE HASTE
Um, ma’am, real quick – what was that about a doctor?
COLE
Oh! Yeah, I think your sidekick has a little bit of ADHD going on. Might be worth checking out.
THE HASTE
Huh. That does make sense. Did you have any sort of diagnosis like that in the future, kid?
MOMENTUM
Well, society had collapsed, so no.
THE HASTE
Right, right. Yeah, I think we’ll get that checked out.
COLE
I can send you some name recommendations, if you want. Kid, when you grow up, you’re gonna learn that the more energy you have, the better off you are. You just need to learn to control it.
MOMENTUM
Thanks, Cole! And hey, if you ever want a joyride around the city, just ask!
COLE
Seriously? Fuck yeah, I’ll take you up on that!
WEASEL
Um, Miss Firestein, I’ll be going now.
BONNIE
Okay?
WEASEL
[with obvious reluctance]
… that organizing you did to catch Momentum was awesome. I haven’t seen anyone be that cool since the last time I saw my mom.
RATMAN
[still a Batman voice, but indignant]
I’m right here!
BONNIE
[a little touched]
Thanks, Weasel. You know, you’re not so bad. I think if you tried a little harder to be nice to people, you’d even be pretty fun to hang out with.
WEASEL
I’ll work on it.
MISDEMEANOR
[beat]
The fuck you looking at west nile? You gonna say anything to me, old man?
MAL
You’re a sociopath. I will be prosecuting you someday.
MISDEMEANOR
Okay, wow.
MAL
No, listen. I need you to understand me. That is not conjecture, that is a promise.
MISDEMEANOR
[a little scared]
Golden Cockroach, we should go. And pick up a swatter.
GOLDEN COCKROACH
Oh, right! Well, thank you all for all your help today!
[assorted overlapping goodbyes from the heroes and sidekicks, fading out as they all leave the building]
BONNIE
[exhausted]
Oh my god, that was so stupid.
COLE
Are you kidding? This is the best day of work I’ve had in nine years!
HARPER
[dejected]
I’m sorry. This one is on me.
[brightening]
I do feel like I learned something today, though.
BONNIE
Bullshit. There is no possible way you could’ve gotten something from this. This was so dumb!
COLE
Harper, I’m begging you not to ruin my fun by growing as a person.
HARPER
It’s really only useful to me. When I quit sidekick classes, I felt bad all those other kids were going on to be these awesome paragons of justice. So it’s nice to see they’re just normal kids.
MAL
Well, most of them are, “just normal kids.” That one boy is a sociopath.
[murmurs of assent]
LOIS
Poggers!
[Cole bursts out panic laughing]
BONNIE /HARPER
Oh, god. / Oh, no!
MAL
I knew we were forgetting something.
NARRATOR
Forgetting something indeed! We can only hope that LOIS isn’t permanently stuck speaking like the youths!
We'll see you again soon listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!