Inside the Cafe: S01E01

Scams and Glam is the first episode of Inside the Cafe. The episode's focus is on hosts James T. Peckerwood and Mercho travelling around Beta-Earth to learn about its inhabitants, their establishments and their weapons. 
== The Episode ==
(james t. peckerwood and mercho are seated in a news room. between them is a large circular gateway with a glowing blue portal)
James T. Peckerwood: Good evening, viewers. This is James T. Peckerwood here. You might know from such hard-hitting documentaries such as Box's Big Burger: Uncovered and Bullo's Big Booty Playpen.
Mercho: And I'm Mercho, the Lord of Merchandise and Fortune!
James T. Peckerwood: And together, we're going to bring you a deep dive into our worlds...and beyond.
Mercho: That's right! By utilizing some nifty portal magic, we can give you the scoop on all kinds of unique people, places, and things!
James T. Peckerwood: And tonight, our first subject is quite the...entrepreneur.
(the gateway opens and a man with a bowler hat and a black trenchcoat steps out. the audience claps as he has a seat next to james t. peckerwood)
James T. Peckerwood: Why don't you introduce yourself to the audience?
Scammo: The name's Scammo! I'm the lord of many things! Business opportunities, dealings...
(scammo summons a cardboard box and pulls out a roomba-like device)
Scammo: But tonight, I'm the lord of the Scammo Super Scrubber--
(james t. peckerwood clears his throat and scammo sighs)
Scammo:...Fine, jibber jabber first, plugging later. My name's Scammo, and I'm one of the lords of Beta-Earth.
James T. Peckerwood: Scammo, as I have been informed, the lords of Beta-Earth were originally mortals who by some way, shape, or form, were recruited by elite forces because of their actions in life. What were your origins?
Scammo: Well, they use to call me Simmons. I was your average street urchin, just trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents! Started with pickpocketing, then I slowly worked my way up to sticking people up with weapons. Eventually, I realized that you can make a lot more money with a nice suit and a flashy smile than you could ever make with a gun. Ever heard of a place called Tingo Jingo?
James T. Peckerwood: No, can't say that I have.
Scammo: Well, some chumps in Georgia can tell you all about it after I roped a bunch of rich yuppies into buying timeshares there! I heard some upper crust of society types talking one day, gloating to one another about status. All I had to do was make Tingo Jingo seem like the talk of town. That's the thing about customers, they'll buy anything if it gives them the chance to one-up each other!
James T. Peckerwood: Very interesting. And how did you recieve your godhood?
Scammo: Well, when I eventually kicked the can, I woke up in this room that was nothing but white. A voice started talking to me, saying that I showed great ingenuity in my lifetime. Which is another word for I know how to part a fool and his money! So he granted me the Power of Influence and sent me to Beta-Earth.
James T. Peckerwood: The Power of Influence? Please, elaborate on this gift.
Scammo: I can implant suggestions into people's heads. Depending on who I'm dealing with, I can push them towards my way of thinking! It's how I built up my enterprise in this joint! I wandered around the colonies, enticing colonists with dreams of riches and fame. All they had to do was work for me! Gathering supplies, materials, you name it! And with those connections, I was able to start spreading my merchandise around! And speaking of merch, you've been pretty silent, Mercho!
(the camera pans to mercho, who sits cross armed)
James T. Peckerwood: He wasn't in the mood to participate in this interview.
Scammo: Ah, whatever, Mercho's always been jealous of my gift of gab!
Mercho: Bite me, Scammo. You gives us true businesslords a bad name! If I'm going to sell something, it's gonna be in need, in stock and of good quality! Your shlock hardly works, if at all!
Scammo: My product is just as good as yours!
Mercho: Oh yeah?! Then why don't we bring in our surprise guest?!
(the gateway opens again and a man in a loincloth steps out. scammo squirms in his chair)
Mercho: Ballinson, thanks for coming. Why don't you tell us the product Scammo sold you?
Ballinson: About a month ago, Scammo showed up to my orgy in the Sex Colony selling some boner pills. I thought to myself, let's get freaky! 12 hours later, my dick is STILL hard!
Scammo: That just means more sucking and fucking for you, my friend! That reminds me, today only, get 30% off your next purchase of Scammo's Super Fun Time Pills!
Ballinson: I work in a school for Rod's sake! I had to walk into a building filled with children with my johnson at full attention!
Scammo: Oh geez...that sounds awful. Must have been really embarassing. To show my apologies, how about I take 20% off your next purchase?
Ballinson: How about I take 20% off your skull, you goddamn shyster?!
(ballinson cracks his knuckles)
Scammo: Holy crap, is this how you treat your guests, Peckerwood?! Get this erectile freak away from me!
(security guards step on stage and hold ballinson back as he curses at scammo. one of the many watches on scammo's arm begins to ring)
Scammo: Here we go! Time to prove to you non-believers that Scammo is an authentic seller of quality products!
James T. Peckerwood: But you just finished explaining how you spent your life grifting off other people...
Scammo: That was before Mercho started smack talking me and trying to assassinate my character! Now come on!
(scammo opens up a portal and steps through it. james t. peckerwood rises from his chair)
James T. Peckerwood: Folks, we're about to get an inside look on how Lord Scammo handles his transactions!
(as james t. peckerwood cautiously enters the portal, beckoning the cameraman to follow him, mercho sighs and follows. the portal leads to a hangar filled with cardboard boxes and trinkets. shortly after they arrive, another portal opens. time lord speedo, a small group of time colonists and a horse emerge outside the hangar. the colonists set a treasure chest on the ground.
Speedo: Scammo!Igotthetreasurejustlikeyouasked!Gimmewhatyougot!
(speedo opens the treasure chest, revealing an array of jewels and gold. he tosses an emerald to scammo, who examines it with a magnifying glass. satisfied, he grins giddily and walks over to one of the larger cardboard boxes, pushing it towards the time colonists. they waste no time dismantling the box, revealing silver armor for a horse.)
Speedo: Jackpot!
(speedo takes the armor and uses his super speed to put it on the horse)
Speedo: Pleasuredoingbusinesswithyouscammo!Thisarmorlooksgreat!Ibetitworksjustasgood!
Scammo: Uh...yeah, definitely! Whatever you just said!
Speedo: PrivateMillisecond!Whydon'tyoutakethisponyforaride?
(a time colonist steps forward)
Private Millisecond: I-I don't know, my lord, I can't help but be wary of Scammo's products!
Speedo: Thatwasagesagoprivate!Scammo'sclearlyturnedanewleafthistime!Nowridethathorse!
(private millisecond groans as he mounts the horse. a control panel extends from the armor and he presses the 'start' button. the armor around the horse's flanks open up and jet boosters slide out. blue fire ignites from them)
Speedo: Onwardsandupwards,private!
(suddenly, the jet boosters go into overdrive and millisecond rockets out of the hanger unexpectedly at breakneck speeds)
Private Millisecond: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
(speedo and scammo watch as the time colonist ascends into the sky. unable to control the horse at such speeds, the private and his mount are caught in a loop-de-loop until one of the boosters malfunctions and explodes, lighting up the sky with fireworks. everyone is speechless. mercho looks directly at the camera, vindicated)
James T. Peckerwood: Oh my god...viewers, you just witnessed, on live television...an innocent horse being blown to smithereens...
Scammo: That wasn't supposed to happen until after I was gone! I mean, what a tragedy!
(speedo begins to panic)
Speedo: Ahcrap!Thathorsewaspartofdoggo'sspecialtacticsbrigade!WhatamIgonnatellhimnow?
Scammo: You heard that, Peckerwood! That horse was no innocent! He had blood on his hooves!
(the time colonists surround scammo)
Speedo: Gethimboys!Ineedhimtoexplaintodoggowhyhistopsoldierisnowovercookedleather!
Scammo: Look, I know you're upset, but why don't you give the Scammo Refund Hotline a call?
(as speedo prepares to lunge at scammo, he opens another portal and leaps in, making his escape)
Mercho: And there you have it, folks. Scammo, the Scam Lord! Stay tuned, because we're gonna take you to simultaneously the hottest and coolest place on all of Beta-Earth!
...
(it's nighttime in the club colony. the streets and clubs are all lit up and full of people. a drone camera gives a bird's eye view of the largest building in the colony, clubbo and pimpy's shared club. on the ground, the two club lords pose near the front entrance as james t. peckerwood and mercho begin filming)
James T. Peckerwood: And we are back, viewers. We are here in the Club Colony, standing in front of the largest club by far. Clubbo and Pimpy's joint operation, Polaris.
(clubbo gets in front of the camera and strikes another pose)
Clubbo: Hey, hey, hey! What's going on, TV world? It's the main man, the lord of the club, Clubbo here! And I'm here with my boy Pimpy!
(pimpy poses beside him)
Pimpy: that's right, strongest pimp hand in all the land!
(james t. peckerwood gets back in front of the camera and gives the duo a look before addressing the camera)
James T. Peckerwood: Ahem. Yes, as you heard just now, these are the lords of the Club Colony, Clubbo and Pimpy. They're here to give us an exclusive tour of Polaris. Gentlemen, take it away.
Clubbo: Haha! With pleasure, Jimbo! So this beauty right here is Polaris. It's one of the many clubs we have here in the colony. But it's the only one that has the pleasure of having us as joint managers!
Pimpy: fo sho! so it's got a little bit of both of us in it!
(there is a long line of club colonists trying to get into the club. the lords and the filming team skip it and clubbo daps up the bouncer)
Clubbo: This here is the #1 bouncer around! Big Mike, what's good?
Big Mike: You already know, boss! Keeping that ratio in check!
James T. Peckerwood: Ratio?
Pimpy: to keep the club from becoming a sausage fest!
(the four advance into the club, where they are met with a massive dance floor. the tiles constantly change colors as a crowd of colonists dance on it. to the right, there is a large circular bar. bartenders on the inside of the circle craft drinks and pass them out to patrons on the outside)
Clubbo: Yes, this is the iconic dance floor, where we have had many a mighty battle! Dance battles, that is! And over there is the bar!
(clubbo heads to the bar and runs his hand over it)
Clubbo: We serve any drink you can think of here, even things you can't think of! What's your poison?
James T. Peckerwood: Thank you, but I'm okay. Can't drink on the job.
Pimpy: lemme get my special drink, man! gimme that pimp juice!
(the bartender quickly combines a variety of liquors and a green juice into a large glass. pimpy takes a long drink from it)
Pimpy: OOOOOOWEE! that's what i'm talkin' about, baby!
James T. Peckerwood: So was this the first club you created here?
Clubbo: Nah, Pimpy and I have some other clubs that we built before teaming up for Polaris.
Pimpy: clubbo and i are tight, but we have our own sets of personal clubs that we hang at sometimes. what y'all gotta do next time is check out my joint, gangbang heaven! i got all my bitches and hoes there! i'd keep some on retainer here, but this fool right here won't let me!
Clubbo: C'mon Pimpy, we talked about this! I want this place to be a bit more classy!
(suddenly, a woman walking by falls to the ground and begins having a seizure. clubbo and pimpy groan.)
Clubbo: Ohhhh my god, could someone get this DRAMA QUEEN out of our club?
pimpy: there's some fucker pulling that shit every week! trying to get free drinks or somethin', i dunno.
James T. Peckerwood: I believe that woman is having an epileptic episode...
Pimpy: wait WHAT!? she's getting a show filmed here, too?!
James T. Peckerwood: No, Pimpy. An epileptic episode is when--
(pimpy whistles with his fingers and two bouncers in black t-shirts and jeans run over)
Pimpy: boys, take this bitch out back with the rest of the trash!
(the bouncers pick the girl up by her arms and legs and carry her away)
Clubbo: We are so sorry for that, guys. There's always someone trying to kill the vibe here! Let's move on with the tour!
(clubbo and pimpy guide everyone to an elevator past the bar. clubbo inputs a code into the elevator with the buttons and they begin going up)
Clubbo: Now let's get to the fun stuff! Pimpy and I have our own personal chambers up at the top of the club, where we conduct business, hold meetings, and get drunk together!
James T. Peckerwood: According to a map of Beta-Earth I saw, Polaris is at the center of the colony. Was there an empty space before the club was built?
Clubbo: This club originally belonged to the Club Lords who came before me. They were a bunch of salty codgers with their pants on too tight. According to them, clubs were supposed to be secret and private. So this area was formerly a gated community with a bunch of buildings for their boring crap.
Pimpy: then my man clubbo showed up and switched up the game! deposed those old farts, tore down their lame-o club, and started building polaris!
Clubbo: By the time Polaris was completed, I had recruited Pimpy. And as a gift for handling some important business for me, I put him on as joint owner!
(the elevator opens, revealing a room with black walls lit up with purple neon. the far right of the room had a massive window that gave a perfect view of the club below. at the center of the room was a round table)
Clubbo: Welcome to the command center slash V.I.P lounge! This is where we come to chillax or conduct business, if need be.
James T. Peckerwood: So if you were to host other lords who arrived for diplomatic reasons, they would stay up here?
Clubbo: Yup, lotta different lords have been up here. Everyone wants to hang with us! Because we have the biggest colony on all of Beta-Earth!
Pimpy: with the biggest club to go along with it!
(clubbo picks up a remote on the round table and speaks into it as the intercom activates)
Clubbo: Hey hey hey! This is Lord Clubbo speaking! A round of drinks for everyone on us!
(the club below breaks out into an uproar of cheering)
James T. Peckerwood: And there you have it, folks. Club Polaris. Clubbo, Pimpy, thank you for your time. This went better than I thought. Besides that woman, of course.
Pimpy: what woman?! is one of my girls misbehavin'?! i'll slap the flavor outta her mouth!
Clubbo: That girl downstairs, Pimpy?
Pimpy: oh yeahhhh, my bad, clubbo! she'll be okay! she just gotta start taking personal responsibility!
Clubbo: Couldn't agree more, Pimpy. Like, if you're not feeling well, get yourself to a hospital or rehab or something. Don't just spaz out on my dance floor like a junkie!
(james t. peckerwood stares at the camera for a few seconds in disbelief)
Mercho: Oh, and while we're here, come on down to Polaris and try my line of alcohol, Mercho's Mango Margarita!
...
(in the time colony's time archives, young ageo is leading the team through the halls, towards a wide room filled with glass displays)
Young Ageo: i'm honored that you guys want to interview me, the true leader behind the time colony!
James T. Peckerwood:...Actually, you were going to bring us to Clocko so he could show us the Time Sword.
Young Ageo: of course! but before you do that, why don't i show you some of my artifacts!
Young Ageo: this here is my personal defensive turret! i used it a ton during the great colony war! yup, i mowed through those enemies! turned them into swiss cheese!
James T. Peckerwood: If you could just let me know when Clocko will be returning, that would be nice..
(another portal opens up and clocko steps out)
Clocko: James T. Peckerwood. It's nice to meet you.
(the show host and the time lord shake hands)
James T. Peckerwood: The pleasure is mine. I'm looking forward to learning about the Time Sword.
Clocko: Ageo, thank you for bringing Mr. Peckerwood here while I was occupied.
Young Ageo: last chance, peckerwood! how about my iconic cape?
James T. Peckerwood: Another time.
(young ageo opens up a portal of his own and leaves. clocko walks to the head of the room, where a white sword is stationed. he holds a hand out towards it and the sword disappears, reappearing in clocko's hand)
Clocko: The Time Sword was forged for me shortly after I defeated Veloctus. It was during my early years of being a Time Lord and I wanted a weapon to better defend myself and the colony.
(he runs a hand along the blade)
Clocko: The metal is a special kind. Time energy can flow through it, allowing you to create projectles imbued with time energy.
(another portal appears and momento steps out, his camera drones at the ready. they circle clocko and the time sword)
Momento: Aw, sweet! Clocko's brought out the Time Sword! He uses that sword for every major fight we've had against Danke during the final battle of the Great Colony War.
Momento: And I have footage of every fight! Wanna see Clocko slice through some kush colonists?
James T. Peckerwood: I think I'll pass. Although, is it safe to say that the Time Sword has built itself a reputation in other colonies?
Clocko: Well...
Momento: You bet! I even made a Time Sword attack compilation!
(one of momento's camera drones begins projecting a video depicting clocko on the battlefield. he slices a sex colonist's spear in half and kicks him away before blocking a punch from fappo's oversized arm. when the sex lord tries to grab him, clocko cuts his open palm)
Fappo: OW! That's my Bangbros hand!
(the scene changes and clocko is now fighting in the sports colony. from atop a hill, ballo fires baseballs at mitto, who knocks them with perfect accuracy at time colony forces below. clocko runs to the front lines and raises the time sword over his head. a wall of cyan aura expands in front of him. when the baseballs pass through it, they slow down enough that the colonists can avoid them.)
Mitto: Dammit, Clocko and that stupid sword of his!
Clocko: As Momento showed through his footage, the Time Sword is a noticably versatile weapon.
Mercho: Plus, I started a line of toy Time Swords after the Great Colony War! The kids love them!
Clocko: The Time Sword is a weapon of defense, only summoned on the battlefield to protect those dear to you. I feel as though toys glorifying the destruction it causes doesn't send a good message to future generations...
Mercho: Wow, what a statement! 'Only summoned on the battlefield to protect those dear to you!' I'm thinking we release a special edition with that quote etched into the blade!
James T. Peckerwood: Well, what can you tell us about the process regarding its creation? Who was the mastermind behind the Time Sword? 
Clocko: That would be Pendulum, the Time Colony's premiere blacksmith. He's designed and built every Time Lord's signature weapon.
Momento: Yup, enchants them, too! The metal that's used to forge our weapons is enfused with a special blend of Time Arts magic! If you guys want, we could hook you up with some enchanted gear!
James T. Peckerwood: This interview is the only one that has gone off without a hitch. I'd like to keep it that way. Clocko, thank you for your time.
(clocko and james t. peckerwood shake hands)
Clocko: Not a problem. Take care.
(yet another portal opens up, young ageo stepping out in a mech made of gears)
Young Ageo: peckerwood! check out my mech, it's way cooler than that clocko's sword!
(ageo has the mech do some poses, accidentally breaking a display case containing a pair of swimming shorts)
Clocko: Speedo's speedos! Ageo, what have we told you about using that mech indoors? Especially in the Time Archives!