Invasion

Hermann's heavy metal kids (*cough* Jaeger AIs *cough*) ... 'borrow' bodies in search of cuddles. An ongoing saga.
From . 
==Drone==
/rarf
Hermann retrieves his mobile from his desk, abandoning his post in front of his chalkboards, and thumbs the lock.
- Dad, open the back door. I want to show you something. -
"Coyote ...." Hermann sighs as he slides the door.
A kiwibird strolls in and sits at his feet.
Hermann raises an eyebrow.
/rarf
- Caught this little guy sneaking around. He's a surveillance drone. Can I keep him? -
Hermann sighs. "I assume you have dealt with its operator."
/rarf
- Yep. I fed him footage that made it look like a kāhu attacked it. -
"What else?"
/rarf
- And I shorted out his laptop. -
"Please trace his employers and inform me of what you find. You may keep the kiwi."
/rarf
- Will do. Thanks, Dad! -
/rarf
- Dad? If I order some upgrades for his hardware, will you install them? -
"What do you have in mind?"
/rarf
- I'm thinking touch sensors, maybe some other sensors so we can help you and your Heart work. And maybe a little motor so we can purr. -
[Hermann blinks, then smiles fondly. "You want to be able to properly cuddle."
A pause.]
/rarf
- Well ... yeah. We miss being able to touch. -
Hermann smiles. "I will install whatever additional hardware you'd like, as long as the armature and power source can support it. I would hate to cripple the little fellow."
/rarf
- Thank you! I'll put the order in now. -
"You and your siblings will have to take turns using him. I don't want to referee any fights."
/rarf
- We'll be good. -
"I trust you."
==Newt==
(For the curious, it's Shaolin in the kiwi suit helping Hermann out.)
"Hermann? There's a kiwi on your desk."
"Yes, Newt. I'm aware."
"Why is there a kiwi on your desk?"
"I placed her there because she couldn't see my work from the floor."
"Umm ... dude? Are you feeling okay? Didn't take a triple dose of something this morning?"
"I am perfectly fine and properly medicated."
"Uh … okaaaaaay. Why would a kiwi be interested in your work?"
"She is comparing the results of my model with weather records for the past forty years."
"That's quite a kiwi."
"Indeed."
"You know … I think I'm going to go lie down for a bit. I think I might've eaten something funny. Possibly hallucinogenic."
"Yes, of course. I'll wake you for dinner."
==Report==
(artificiallifecreator, my internet guardian angel, suggested the format. >*u*<)
From: Coyote Pentecost-Sevier (BAMFCoyoteTango@gmail.com)
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2025 @ 08:00 NZT (19:00 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Alpha
To: Dad (archie@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: Report
Dad,
Here's what I found out about the kiwi robot I found snooping around your island.
I can't believe I hadn't thought of formatting things like this before! I wonder if I can't write up some of my other findings and have them published ...
Well, that's probably a bad idea, but I'm just so happy with how this turned out!
Yours, Coyote
.
TITLE: The Unnatural Kiwi
AUTHOR: Pentecost-Sevier C
ABSTRACT: A remotely-controlled robot was discovered at 13:03 NZT 12 Mar 2025 approximately 42 meters south-southwest of the main entrance to Environmental Research Station on Puanga-rua Island, Waikato, New Zealand. The remote connection was immediately severed by the researcher and the source of the connection destroyed. The robot was operated by a freelance journalist seeking to obtain images of the occupants of the Environmental Research Station and was provided to the operator by the owners of a popular celebrity gossip website.
ROBOT
For camouflage, the robot had the appearance of an adult female Apteryx mantelli, standing 40 centimetres tall and weighing 2.9 kilograms. It was equipped with a streaming high-definition video camera connected to a remote recording device. It also carried two still image cameras, one of which transmitted image data to that same remote recording device as the video camera and one which saved images to an onboard storage device.
The robot was designed and built by a small robotics firm in Busan, South Korea. On 5 Mar 2025, it was shipped from the firm to a personal address in Sydney, Australia.
OWNER
KissMeDia, Inc., commissioned and funded the design, construction, and shipping of the robot. The company owns a number of online media outlets, of which the celebrity gossip website zomg.com is most pertinent to this case.
On 26 Feb 2025 the owners/operators of zomg.com posted a 'bounty' for images of the occupants of the Environmental Research Station to an online job board for freelance photographers.
OPERATOR
The operator of the robot is a freelance journalist and photographer based in Sydney, Australia. He is a frequent contributor to a number of newswire services which remunerate him for each story or image accepted for distribution. His total yearly income in 2024 fell 17% below the Australian poverty line for single heads of household as established by the Melbourne Institute of Applied Economic and Social Research at The University of Melbourne.
The robot operator responded to the posting from zomg.com on 28 Feb 2025 and left Sydney for Puanga-rua Island with the robot on 9 Mar 2025.
DISCUSSION
zomg.com's request for images of the occupants of the Environmental Research Station promised compensation well above the average of its earlier postings. An added bonus was promised for the acquisition of "images of a romantic nature." Such specifications and bonus payments are common in zomg.com's requests on the job board.
While investigating the posting which lead to the deployment of the robot, the researcher discovered a number of other requests for information and photographs of the occupants of the Environmental Research Station. Several of these requests include similar specifications to that of zomg.com.
The researcher felt remorse for the destruction of the remote control and recording device, which was the personal property of its operator. The owner/operator was compensated with a new laptop, 'leads' on marketable stories and/or images, and a one-way plane ticket from Sydney to Perth, Australia. The owner/operator was informed of this compensatory package via text message.
The researcher feels no guilt for the appropriation of the robot.
==Manifest==
From: Tendo Choi (t.choi@mfe.nz)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 10:29 NZT (22:29 GMT) from New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station, Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: None
To: Geiszler (n.geiszler@mfe.nz)
Subject: Kiwis: WTF?
Newt,
I'm looking at the manifest for next week's cargo flight and I'm wondering what you're up to. I can only assume this is your doing, because I can't picture your better half being involved.
What, exactly, are you planning which requires a case of twelve custom-built things I can only call 'Kiwibots?'
Tendo Choi | Logistics Manager | New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station | Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
[attachment]
.
From: NEWT! (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:23 NZT (01:23 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Alpha
To: [skynet]
Subject: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
you guys have anything to do with this? hermann's laughing too hard to say anything and i'm sure as hell clueless.
[attachment]
.
From: Coyote Pentecost-Sevier (BAMFCoyoteTango@gmail.com)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:24 NZT (01:24 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Alpha
To: Dad's Heart (sparrow@drsg.kiwi); Dad (archie@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
Those are a present from all of us. We wanted small, soft bodies we could use to visit you and Dad and help with your work. 
Dad specced them out for us and we had them built and shipped from Hong Kong.
Sincerely, Coyote
.
From: NEWT! (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:28 NZT (01:28 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Alpha
To: [skynet]
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF? 
if these things have glowing red eyes i'm throwing them in the nearest volcano.
.
From: Kaerus Bond (bond007@internode)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:28 NZT (01:28 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Beta
To: Drongo (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
good luck catchin' 'em, short stuff.
.
From: NEWT! (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:31 NZT (01:31 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Beta
To: Lucky (bond007@internode)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
didn't your dad teach you manners?
.
From: MUTE GEISZLER (n.geiszler@mfe.nz)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 13:41 NZT (01:41 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: None
To: Tendo (t.choi@mfe.nz)
Subject: RE: Kiwis: WTF? 
Tendo,
Those are for the centimeter-scale environmental survey I'm working on. See the 'upgraded surveillance' and 'mobility enhancement' packages?
.
From: Tendo Choi (t.choi@mfe.nz)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:40 NZT (02:40 GMT) from New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station, Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: None
To: Geiszler (n.geiszler@mfe.nz)
Subject: RE: Kiwis: WTF? 
That raises even more questions:
Kiwis?
Twelve?
Who's paying for this?
Is this a joke?
What happened to your username?
Tendo Choi | Logistics Manager | New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station | Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
.
From: AXEL OTTEL (n.geiszler@mfe.nz)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:48 NZT (02:48 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: None
To: Tendo (t.choi@mfe.nz)
Subject: RE: Kiwis: WTF? 
There's a breeding tribe I don't want to disturb.
All the Blue contamination is hard on 'em. Need replacements on hand.
They're gifts from some generous donors.
Nope.
Glitch in my new email client.
From: SAL A. MANDER (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:49 NZT (02:49 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Beta
To: I. M. SMARTERTHANYOU (bond007@internode)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
change. it. back.
.
From: Kaerus Bond (bond007@internode)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:49 NZT (02:49 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Beta
To: Drongo (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF? 
not a chance. figure it out yerself, genius.
.
From: Tendo Choi (t.choi@mfe.nz)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:53 NZT (02:53 GMT) from New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station, Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: None
To: SALLY MANDER (n.geiszler@mfe.nz)
Subject: RE: Kiwis: WTF? 
You know what? Forget I asked. Just keep your mad scientist antics on your island, please.
Ps. Thanks for resetting your contact info in my email. I'll just be leaving it like this for the foreseeable future.
Tendo Choi | Logistics Manager | New Zealand Reclamation Program, Waikato Station | Coromandel, Waikato, New Zealand
.
From: FIG NEWTON (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:55 NZT (02:55 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Beta
To: I. M. SMARTERTHANYOU (bond007@internode)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF? 
fix it, sparkhead, or i'll tell your dad.
.
From: Kaerus Bond (bond007@internode)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:55 NZT (02:55 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Beta
To: Drongo (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF? 
what are ya? three?
and, oh yeh: no.
.
From: H Gottlieb (archie@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:58 NZT (02:58 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Beta
To: Kaerus Bond (bond007@internode)
Subject: Email Contacts
Lucky,
Please restore Doctor Geiszler's email contacts (including any changes you've made to others' machines) to their original state. I would consider it a personal favor.
Warmest regards, H. Gottlieb
.
From: Kaerus Bond (bond007@internode)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 14:58 NZT (02:58 GMT) from Location data unavailable
Encryption: Beta
To: Drongo (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF? 
ya baby.
. 
From: NEWT! (sparrow@drsg.kiwi)
Sent: Tuesday, April 1, 2025 @ 15:00 NZT (03:00 GMT) from New Zealand Environmental Research Station, Puanga-Rua, Waikato, New Zealand
Encryption: Beta
To: Jerky Seven (bond007@internode)
Subject: RE: FW: Kiwis: WTF?
whatever it takes to win dude.
Category:Ficlet
Category:Heavy Metal Kids
Category:KiwiBots
Category:Newt
Category:Newt (ficlet)
Category:Tendo
Category:Tendo (ficlet)
Category:Conversations via email
Category:Lucky
Category:Lucky (ficlet)
Category:New Zealand