Fancyson Enters The Race

Fancyson Enters The Race is the third episode of season two, and the tenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 16, 2020.
==Plot==
Squilliam Fancyson, a former top donor of President Trump, enters the presidential race.
==Transcript==
[President Donald Trump is in a tense meeting with Vice President Mike Pence in the White House.]
Donald Trump: I can’t believe I’m going to be impeached over a perfect phone call! Oh man, I’m really going to miss this place!
Mike Pence: Sir, impeachment doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just a political stunt. Impeachment will result in a Senate trial, and that will decide whether you’re getting removed or not. And our party is in the majority there, so don’t worry about it.
Mr. Trump: Whew, what a relief! For a second there, I thought I would be permanently removed from the Presidency! It’s such a fabulous, wonderful, beautiful, tremendous job!
Mr. Pence: [whispers to himself] Hopefully Tim could get some folks to cross the aisle…
Mr. Trump: What was that?
Mr. Pence: Nothing! Anyways, I found out that one of the leading proponents of your impeachment used to be one of your top donors.
Mr. Trump: And who may that be?
Mr. Pence: Squilliam Fancyson, former Republican mayor of New Kelp City.
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! WHY?! We used to be such good friends! I demand to know the meaning of this! [calls to a White House staff member] You there, arrange a phone call with Squilliam!
[The phone rings at Squilliam Fancyson’s mansion.]
Squilliam Fancyson: Hello?
Mr. Trump: SQUILLIAM! What do you think you are doing, calling for my impeachment?! I thought we were friends! You even funded my campaign in 2016!
Mr. Fancyson: Well, Donald, I thought you were going to make rich folks like us richer, at the expense of the poor...
Mr. Trump: But I did! I’ve given a record amount of money to the top 1%!
Mr. Fancyson: Not enough! I wanted you to push harder, but it looks like you’ve been too busy talking about your Secretary of the Interior! Who even cares about that?
Mr. Trump: The Secretary of the Interior is perhaps the most important job in the world! My interior is what keeps me motivated, and I need the right man to do the job!
Mr. Fancyson: You really disappointed me, Donald. For far too long, this system has been rigged against folks like us. Rich people aren’t getting rich enough. Look at the statistics. The top 1% only own 99% of the wealth. It should be 100%! You are no longer a friend of mine, and very soon, you’ll be out of office!
Mr. Trump: You don’t scare me, Squilliam. I’m not even getting removed from office anyway, the Senate will protect me! You’re just wasting your money!
Mr. Fancyson: It doesn’t matter, I never run out of money. [hangs up phone]
Squilliam’s Assistant: What’s the plan, Mr. Fancyson?
Mr. Fancyson: I’m going to run for President. If I can’t take Donald down through impeachment, I’ll just have to face him head-on in the election!
Assistant: Alright, I’m going to register you for the Republican primaries—
Mr. Fancyson: Actually, change my registration to the Democratic Party. I’m going to enter their primary.
Assistant: Sir, the Democratic voter base has gone remarkably to the left, and Bernie Sanders is currently the frontrunner in the polls. Do you really think they could tolerate a Republican billionaire?
Mr. Fancyson: I am running for the Democratic nomination because Bernie is a huge threat to me. I can’t beat him if I were the Republican nominee and he was the Democrat! I’ll have to defeat Sanders in the Democratic primary, and defeat Trump in the general election.
Assistant: I see.
Mr. Fancyson: Even if I don’t win, I will never back down on getting that damn fool out of office! Enough with the talk, I’ll have to launch a fundraising campaign to encourage grassroots support of Trump’s impeachment. Every ad in Bikini Bottom will call for his immediate removal! Then I’ll show him who’s boss!
[A helicopter lands just outside of the Gift Shop, headquarters of Shell City President Vladimir Putin. Someone enters Putin’s office...none other than Mike Pence.]
Mr. Pence: Listen, Vlad, I beg you to ditch Trump and use me instead!
Mr. Putin: Now why would I do that? You’re flying all the way across the world in an attempt to gain power, while I could easily manipulate Trump. I don’t have time for power-hungry opportunists!
Mr. Pence: But—
Mr. Putin: Enough! Get this man out of here, I’ll have to oversee the torturing of some homosexuals in a few hours. I like watching every second of it!
Mr. Pence: [grins] You know, Trump tends to be relatively soft on LGBTQ+ rights...
Mr. Putin: WHAT?!
Mr. Pence: Yep! Just last month he signed an executive order ending aid to countries which persecute homosexuals.
Mr. Putin: OUTRAGEOUS! After all I did for him! [picks up phone] Hello? Director of Cyber Warfare, get over here immediately!
[Minutes later, another helicopter shows up, and someone else enters Putin’s office...none other than Timothy Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Greetings.
Mr. Pence: Tim?! What are you doing here?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’m just a debate moderator. It would be more appropriate to ask, what is the Vice President of Bikini Bottom doing here?
Mr. Pence: Well, I’m trying to get Trump removed from office, so I can become President of Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Putin, I thought you said you hated power-hungry opportunists? Why are you calling me here?
Mr. Putin: [whispers to Mr. Pepperchicken about Trump’s LGBTQ+ rights record]
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?! We must get rid of him immediately!
Mr. Putin: Any ideas?
Mr. Pence: You see, there is this billionaire, Squilliam Fancyson, that is running for the Democratic nomination, as well as a grassroots campaign demanding his impeachment. Throw him a couple billion and you’ll get his loyalty. Remove Trump from office, and make sure I’m the Republican nominee, and he’s the Democratic nominee. You’ll always have someone loyal, though you should rig it in favor of me, of course.
Mr. Putin: Great idea! I was thinking of choosing someone to support in the Democratic primary. I cannot have Bernie win, as all the political exiles support him! Pepperchicken, arrange a phone call with this Fancyson individual.
[The phone rings at Fancyson’s mansion.]
Mr. Fancyson: Hello?
Mr. Putin: Greetings, Mr. Fancyson. This is Vladimir Putin—
Mr. Fancyson: Look, man, I sincerely apologize for all the illegal mining...I...I just didn’t know it was against the law, you see...I am very, very sorry!
Mr. Putin: WHAT?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: [whispers to Mr. Putin] Stay on topic!
Mr. Putin: Anyways, I see here that you’re running for the Democratic nomination, in addition to a grassroots campaign for Trump’s impeachment. I’ll give you my full support, in exchange for your loyalty.
Mr. Fancyson: If it means not getting in trouble for the illegal mining, then I’ll always be loyal to you.
Mr. Putin: Alright, I hereby pardon you for any illegal operations your business has conducted here. But I’ll revoke that pardon if you can’t get Trump out of office! If you ever stepped foot into Shell City, you’ll be charged with homosexuality! [hangs up phone]
[A few hours later, in the White House. Trump watches TV while discussing with his campaign manager, Eugene Krabs. A Squilliam Fancyson commercial appears.]
Mr. Fancyson: Greetings, common fish of Bikini Bottom. Donald Trump has failed me—I mean us! His repeated ignorance of the rich—I mean the Constitution, is a disgrace, and I want you to join me in impeaching this traitor—I mean—yeah I suppose he’s a traitor to you guys too since he violated the Constitution, and voting for me, Squilliam Fancyson, in the Democratic primary!
[The same ad is played repeatedly, as Fancyson bought every TV channel and replaced all their programming with this ad.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm...
Mr. Trump: I still cannot believe Squilliam ditched me! After all the fun we’ve had together! SAD!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah...about that…
Mr. Trump: What...WHAT?!
Mr. Krabs: It’s just that...Squilliam’s got a point when he said that you don’t do enough for rich folks like us.
Mr. Trump: What are you trying to say?!
Mr. Krabs: I believe it is time I—
Mr. Trump: NO! You’re not voluntarily resigning! If somebody leaves, it’s because I fired them! YOU’RE FIRED!
Category:Squidnerd
Category:2020
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Second Season
Category:2020s
Category:Episodes
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:Episodes written by Squidnerd