Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels/Transcript

Three card brag
is a simple form of poker.
 
 
You get three cards only.
 
 
And these you can't change.
 
 
If you don't look at them,
you're a blind man,
 
 
you only put in half the stake.
 
 
Three of any kind
is the highest,
 
 
but the odds are - 
against getting any three.
 
 
Then there's a running flush,
all the same suit, all in order,
 
 
then a straight
and a flush and a pair,
 
 
and finally, whatever
the highest card you've got.
 
 
Now, there are some telltale
signs that can help,
 
 
but they took me long enough
to learn so I'm not telling you.
 
 
They can only help a player,
not make one.
 
 
So, d'you wanna play?
 
 
Let's sort the buyers
from the spiers
 
 
and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.
 
 
If you can't see value here,
 
 
you're not shopping,
you're shoplifting.
 
 
You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight,
 
 
Israelites,
Fanny by the gaslight.
 
 
Take a bag, come on.
I took one home last night -
 
 
cost more than ten pound,
I can tell you.
 
 
Anyone like jewellery?
Look at that one.
 
 
Hand-made in Italy,
hand-stolen in Stepney.
 
 
It's as long as my arm,
not like something else.
 
 
Don't think 'cause these boxes
are sealed, they're empty.
 
 
 nly the undertaker
sells empty boxes.
 
 
By the look of you lot, I'd make
more money with my tape-measure.
 
 
Here, one price, ten pound.
 
 
- Did you say ten pound?
- Are you deaf?
 
 
Bargain. I'll take one.
 
 
Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg.
 
 
They call it walking.
 
 
You want one, darling?
That's it, they're waking up.
 
 
Treat the wife -
treat somebody else's wife.
 
 
It's more fun
if you don't get caught.
 
 
You want one?
Show me a bit of life, then.
 
 
It's no good standing
like one o'clock half struck.
 
 
These are not stolen -
they're just not paid for.
 
 
Can't get 'em again,
they've changed the locks.
 
 
Can't come back -
I'll have sold out.
 
 
[Punter] Nice bit of stuff.
 
 
"Too late" will be the cry
when the bargains pass you by.
 
 
If you've no money on you,
 
 
you'll cry tears
big as ctober cabbages.
 
 
Bacon, cozzers!
 
 
# So I said I'm on the roam
So I need a car
 
 
# And I know
that I'm getting alive
 
 
# And I say I got faith
in a season #
 
 
'Ed can hustle
a few quid here and there.
 
 
'But his real talent
lies in cards -
 
 
'and gambling with cards.
 
 
'Bacon could see that his days
 
 
'of selling moody goods
on street corners are numbered.
 
 
'It's time to move on
and he knows it.'
 
 
- Six foot one, that's perfect.
- You're catching up with me.
 
 
What you talking about?
I'm bloody skinny, pal.
 
 
'Course you are. All right, Ed?
 
 
Nick the Greek, a pleasure.
Tom, what have you eaten?
 
 
- I was telling him...
- Enough!
 
 
You two, join me in my office.
 
 
So how much is it, Tom?
 
 
You know how much, Nick.
 
 
- And that includes the amp?
- No.
 
 
That does not include the amp.
 
 
Shit, Tom. I thought
it included the amp.
 
 
It doesn't. I'll throw in
one of these telephones,
 
 
but it does not include the amp.
 
 
Very nice.
 
 
I hope it includes the speakers.
 
 
It doesn't include
the speakers or the amp.
 
 
It's not supposed to include
me getting the hump
 
 
with your questions.
You want it, you buy it.
 
 
What else do I get?
 
 
A gold-plated Rolls Royce,
if you pay for it.
 
 
Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.
 
 
Seems...this seems
to be a waste of my time.
 
 
That is nicker
in any shop,
 
 
and you're complaining
about ?
 
 
What school of finance
did you study?
 
 
It's a deal, it's a steal.
 
 
It's the sale
of the fucking century.
 
 
In fact, I'll keep it.
 
 
All right, keep your alans on.
 
 
Here's a ton.
 
 
[Both] Jesus Christ!
 
 
You could choke
a dozen donkeys on that.
 
 
You're haggling over pound.
 
 
What d'you do when
you're not buying stereos -
 
 
finance revolutions?
 
 
£ is still £ .
 
 
Not when the price is £ .
 
 
Not when you've got Liberia's
deficit in your sky rocket.
 
 
Tighter than a duck's butt!
 
 
Let me feel
the fibre of your fabric.
 
 
'The skinny one is Tom.
 
 
'He's the entrepreneur
of the bunch.
 
 
'He's got
a couple of dirty fingers
 
 
'in a couple of dirty pies.
 
 
'Nick, however,
has made it his business
 
 
'to have all 
fat fingers and toes
 
 
'in every dirty, bent
and stolen pie in London.'
 
 
'Between them, there ain't much
you can't get hold of.'
 
 
That's my grand.
 
 
It took me a long time to earn,
so treat it with respect.
 
 
What about the chef?
 
 
What've you come as?
 
 
Cupid, stupid.
 
 
That's the last time
I get fruit off you, Tom.
 
 
There was more small armoured
things in it than fruit.
 
 
You should open a butchers,
not a grocers.
 
 
If you order stuff
from Kathmandu,
 
 
don't be surprised
if it picks up a few tourists.
 
 
Anyway, enough.
Where's the money?
 
 
Keep your fingers
out of my soup!
 
 
'Soap is called Soap
 
 
'because he keeps his hands
clean of unlawful behaviour.
 
 
'He's proud of his job
and more proud it's legal.
 
 
'He represents the more
sensible side of the four.'
 
 
Are you sure you can afford ?
 
 
It depends
how you look at it.
 
 
I can afford it
if I see it again.
 
 
Got the rest from
the fat man and Bacon?
 
 
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
 
 
Looks like it's time
to call Harry.
 
 
Who's this fat man, eh?
 
 
Sandwich, Bacon?
 
 
'It's not easy to take
a seat at this card table.
 
 
'The amount of money
has to be grand upwards
 
 
'and there's no shortage
of punters.
 
 
'This is the man who decides
whether you can play -
 
 
'Harry, or as some,
including himself, like to say,
 
 
'Hatchet Harry.'
 
 
 grand.
 
 
If you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind...
 
 
- What's this Eddie like?
- He's a fucking thief!
 
 
'Harry has a colleague,
a monster of a man,
 
 
'Barry the Baptist.
 
 
'He got his name
by drowning people for Hatchet.
 
 
- Fucking pay.
- I'll pay!
 
 
'Barry makes sure
 
 
'the administrative side of
the business runs harmoniously.'
 
 
The boy's got a rare ability.
 
 
He seems to make cards
transparent. He's got...
 
 
All right,
we can say he's good.
 
 
No, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.
 
 
Hold on, what
do you think of these?
 
 
- We're selling hundreds.
- Very nice, Harry.
 
 
What's it for?
 
 
Don't play innocent,
Bazza. Spanking!
 
 
There's from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.
 
 
 grand to the pound. Why
the fuck are you counting it?
 
 
Because I like to.
 
 
A reasonable return
should be about grand.
 
 
For grand invested,
going on experience.
 
 
Going on optimism.
 
 
Whatever - it'll be enough
to send you on a cooking course.
 
 
You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat -
 
 
and look as though you
should be, but you're not.
 
 
Fat! Who you calling...
Jesus!
 
 
It's good here, innit?
Handy for the tube,
 
 
great electrics - I can
see why you moved in.
 
 
Don't knock it, it's "cheep",
like the budgie.
 
 
Nobody wants to live next
to the people we live next to.
 
 
- Anti-social to say the least.
- What d'you mean?
 
 
He means they're
thieving bastards.
 
 
When they're not picking
peanuts out of poop,
 
 
they rip off unfortunate souls
of their drugs.
 
 
Not exactly thick, these walls.
 
 
Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.
 
 
Is that it?
 
 
How many times
do I have to tell you, Plank?
 
 
Find a job worth doing, you'll
find your share improving.
 
 
Have you got a problem
with that?
 
 
# Police and thieves
in the street
 
 
# Fighting the nation with their
guns and ammunition #
 
 
Charles, this gear
is getting heavier.
 
 
I've a suspicion we should have
been rocket scientists or...
 
 
Nobel Peace Prize winners...
something.
 
 
Peace Prize? Be lucky
to find your penis for a piss -
 
 
the amount you smoke.
 
 
[Door buzzer]
 
 
Who the hell's that?
 
 
All right, Willie?
 
 
Does it look like I am?
Take this.
 
 
I'm in danger of breaking
a sweat any second.
 
 
< Charles,
why've we got that cage?
 
 
Security.
 
 
That's right. Security.
 
 
What's the point in having it if
we're not gonna fucking use it?
 
 
I would've used it, Winston,
but this is Willie.
 
 
- And Willie lives here.
- Yes, Charles.
 
 
But you didn't know it was
until you opened the door.
 
 
Chill, Winston. It's me.
 
 
Charlie knows it's me,
what's the problem?
 
 
The problem is, Willie,
Charles and yourself
 
 
are not the quickest cats
at the best of times.
 
 
So do as I say and keep
the fucking cage locked!
 
 
- What is that?
- That's Gloria.
 
 
I know that's Gloria.
What's that?
 
 
Fertiliser.
 
 
You went out six hours ago
to buy a money counter.
 
 
You come back with
a semi-conscious Gloria
 
 
and a bag of fertiliser.
 
 
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
 
 
We need fertiliser, Winston.
 
 
We also need a money counter.
 
 
This money's gotta
be out by Thursday.
 
 
I'm buggered
if I'm gonna count it.
 
 
If you do have to buy
sodding fertiliser,
 
 
could you be
a little more subtle?
 
 
What do you mean?
 
 
We grow copious amounts
of ganja, yeah?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
And you're carrying a wasted
girl and a bag of fertiliser.
 
 
You don't look your average
horti-fucking-culturalist.
 
 
That's what I mean, Willie.
 
 
# "The Boss"
by James Brown
 
 
# Paid the cost to be the boss
 
 
# Paid the cost to be the boss
 
 
# I paid the cost
to be the boss #
 
 
- How long's he been in there?
- About... minutes.
 
 
- Is he on his own?
- Yeah, carrying a bag.
 
 
Let's pay him a visit,
shall we?
 
 
'Big Chris settles debts
for Harry.
 
 
'The only thing he cares
more about than unsettled debts
 
 
'is his son and heir,
Little Chris.'
 
 
# Look at me
 
 
# Know what you see
 
 
# See a bad mother #
 
 
This is one of them...
high-powered jobs, innit?
 
 
Aaagh!
 
 
I've got some bad news
for you, John.
 
 
What the fuck!
 
 
Mind your language
in front of the boy.
 
 
Jesus Christ!
 
 
That includes blasphemy.
Now tell me, John,
 
 
how can you concentrate
on improving this tan -
 
 
and it is a lovely tan -
 
 
when you've got more pressing
priorities at hand?
 
 
Tell Harry...
 
 
Did I say speak?
And it's Mr Harry to you.
 
 
Now, don't disappoint me, choose
your words very carefully.
 
 
You may now...
 
 
speak.
 
 
Tell Harry, I mean Mr Harry,
 
 
I've been busy,
I'm nearly there.
 
 
Check his locker, son.
 
 
I don't suppose there's a chance
of you lifting this up, Chris?
 
 
He's not poor! He's got
over a monkey in his wallet!
 
 
Fuckin' hell, John, you go round
with that in your pocket?
 
 
Use language like that again,
you'll wish you hadn't!
 
 
Sorry, Dad.
 
 
Right. Put the rest
of the stuff in that.
 
 
You can go home
in a plastic bag tonight.
 
 
You owe what you owe.
 
 
By the time this tan's faded
you wanna have paid.
 
 
- You never would've paid.
- Who would pay for shit?
 
 
Exactly. We had to...
 
 
What the hell
are you doing here?
 
 
What's up?
 
 
Let me guess,
my foot in your arse.
 
 
Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?
 
 
You're supposed to be
getting your rest in, boy.
 
 
You playing cards tonight, son?
 
 
With Harry?
 
 
Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't
have anything to do with that.
 
 
[Harry] Where'd
he get a hundred grand?
 
 
He's got adhesive mates -
like brothers.
 
 
They've tossed up
between 'em.
 
 
And JD, his dad,
owns the whole property?
 
 
No mortgage, no debts.
 
 
Lock, stock - the fucking lot.
 
 
Don't worry, Harry.
I've got it under control.
 
 
Good. You can get this
under control now.
 
 
It seems Lord Appleton Smythe
has run out of money.
 
 
These little beauties
are up for auction.
 
 
I'm not paying a quarter
of a million quid for 'em.
 
 
If you know what I mean,
Barry.
 
 
Make sure we get everything
from the gun cabinet.
 
 
I don't care who you use,
 
 
as long as they're not
complete muppets.
 
 
And don't tell 'em
what they're worth, Barry.
 
 
# "Spooky"
by Dusty Springfield
 
 
# In the cool of the evening
 
 
# When everything
is getting kinda groovy #
 
 
Right, where was we?
 
 
[Liverpool accent]
Shotguns...guns that fire shots?
 
 
You must be the brains.
 
 
That's right,
guns that fire shots.
 
 
Make sure you bring everything
from the gun cabinet.
 
 
There'll be a load of old guns.
That's all I want.
 
 
Everything else outside
the cabinet, you can keep.
 
 
Thank you very much.
 
 
There'd better
be something there for us.
 
 
It's a fucking stately home,
 
 
of course there'll
be something there.
 
 
- Like what?
- Like fucking antiques.
 
 
Antiques! What the fuck
do we know about antiques?
 
 
- We rob post offices.
- We steal cars.
 
 
What the fuck do we know
about antiques, mate?
 
 
If it looks old,
it's worth money - simple.
 
 
Stop fucking moaning
and rob the place.
 
 
Who's the guv?
Who are we doing this for?
 
 
You're doing it for me -
is all you need to know.
 
 
You know
because you need to know.
 
 
I see. ne of those
"need to know basis" things.
 
 
Like one of those
James Bond films.
 
 
Careful, remember
who's giving you this job.
 
 
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.
 
 
< Ta-da.
 
 
Fucking northern monkeys.
 
 
I hate these fucking
southern fairies.
 
 
'Ed has been playing cards
since he could lift 'em up.
 
 
'He soon discovered
he had a big advantage.
 
 
'It's not that
he's good at cards,
 
 
'or even good at counting them.
 
 
'It's that he's good
at reading people's reactions
 
 
'no matter how subtle.
 
 
'Everybody has reactions.
 
 
[Knock at door]
 
 
'Especially when
it comes to money.'
 
 
# Love is kind of crazy
 
 
# With a spooky
little boy like you #
 
 
- Invitations.
- Invitations?
 
 
Yeah, four pretty white pieces
of paper with your names on.
 
 
We got bits of paper
with the Queen's head on.
 
 
Will that do?
 
 
Just you. The others can wait
next door in Samoan Jo's.
 
 
Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub? Hold on...
 
 
Hold on to your tongue
and I'll hold on to my patience.
 
 
No one in here tonight
but card players - no one.
 
 
Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.
 
 
Bit dramatic, innit?
 
 
Is it supposed to be symbolic?
 
 
Apparently it's for security.
 
 
I'd have brought my gloves
if I'd have known.
 
 
You must be Eddy, JD's son.
 
 
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
 
 
Never mind, son, you might meet
him if you carry on like that.
 
 
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
 
 
All right, Ed.
 
 
[Screaming]
 
 
We call each other Kenny,
 K, Gary?
 
 
All right, Kenny.
 
 
You gonna put your stocking on?
 
 
I spent quid on my hair -
 
 
I'm not pulling a sock over it.
 
 
You have to put something on.
 
 
Three card brag, gentlemen.
 
 
Three s are highest,
then three aces,
 
 
then running down accordingly.
 
 
Then it's a running flush,
a run, a flush and then a pair.
 
 
An open man can't
see a blind man.
 
 
It will cost twice the ante
to see your opponent.
 
 
Don't fuck around, fellas.
 
 
You know the rules.
You know I won't stand for it.
 
 
Can I have three of your most
refreshing drinks, please.
 
 
- How comes we end up in here?
- I don't think I mind.
 
 
[TV blares]
 
 
You got that TV loud enough,
mate?
 
 
Leave it out, Bacon.
He looks like a loon.
 
 
[Clock chimes]
 
 
What are you doing?
Put that back.
 
 
We're here to rob the guns.
 
 
Put it back - it's crap anyway.
 
 
Come on.
 
 
 .
 
 
D'you like that, did you, son?
 
 
When my knees stop knocking,
I'll live with it.
 
 
 blind.
 
 
Listen, ladies, this is cards.
Men play cards.
 
 
If you wanna talk soft,
go to the fucking hairdressers.
 
 
So shut it and play.
 
 
I'll fold.
 
 
 . pen.
 
 
What sort of pub is this?
 
 
It's a Samoan pub.
 
 
What's that?
 
 
It's a cocktail -
you asked for a cocktail.
 
 
I asked you to give me
a refreshing drink.
 
 
I wasn't expecting
a fucking rainforest.
 
 
You could fall in love
with an orangutan in that.
 
 
You want a pint, go to the pub.
 
 
[Television blaring]
 
 
I thought this was a pub.
 
 
It's a Samoan pub.
 
 
Can you get your man
to turn the TV down?
 
 
Ask him if you like.
I'd leave him well alone.
 
 
Get rid of that.
Bring us a Diet Coke.
 
 
'Scuse me, can you
turn that TV down?
 
 
No.
 
 
 ooh!
 
 
 .
 
 
 blind.
 
 
You what?
 
 
Two grand blind? You been
eating too much British beef.
 
 
You're bonkers. Mad.
 
 
[Harry] Well, you gonna play?
 
 
Fuckin' right I'm gonna play.
 
 
Three grand, dare.
 
 
 's an open man.
You know that.
 
 
You do know how to play, Donald?
 
 
The reason I've only put in half
is I don't know what I've got.
 
 
Now, you play or you fold.
 
 
Fold.
 
 
No, they also
taught me the word "cunt".
 
 
[Wailing]
 
 
Whoa, whoa, Kenny!
 
 
What are you doing?
 
 
I am trying to find out
where they keep their money!
 
 
You twat. Can't you see
they've got no money?
 
 
They can't even afford
new furniture.
 
 
We've got the guns.
What's the matter?
 
 
Every time we do a job,
you burn people's feet.
 
 
What's wrong with you?
 
 
You wanna be more careful,
old fella. You nearly took
 
 
my man's head off with that.
 
 
You all right, Kenny?
 
 
Kenny?
 
 
Ten grand, blind.
 
 
Twenty grand, open.
 
 
Deep end, eh?
 
 
Fold.
 
 
[Barry] Gotcha!
 
 
Twenty grand, open.
 
 
I fold.
 
 
Don't spend that
all at once, boy.
 
 
[Ringing]
 
 
Bloody 'ell!
 
 
What?
 
 
You said there'd
be no staff, Barry.
 
 
Did you get those guns?
 
 
You wanna see
what they did to poor Gary!
 
 
Gary, Gary!
 
 
I said, did you get those guns?
 
 
Yes, we got them!
 
 
Good. I'll speak to you later.
 
 
Fuckin' scouse cunts.
 
 
Gary, if you can hear me,
 
 
get back in the car now, mate.
 
 
Barry... Barry!
 
 
Fucking, sodding,
shandy-drinking bastard!
 
 
# "Liar Liar"
by The Castaways
 
 
# Liar liar, pants on fire
 
 
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
 
 
# Been out all night
Know you've been bad
 
 
# Don't tell me different
I know it's a lie
 
 
# Come to me, honey
See how I cry
 
 
# Why must you hurt me?
Do what you do?
 
 
# Listen here, girl
Can't you see I love you?
 
 
# Make a little effort
Try to be true
 
 
# I will be happy
Not so blue
 
 
# Liar liar, pants on fire
 
 
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
 
 
# You keep on
telling me those lies
 
 
# Still going out
with other guys #
 
 
Give me my money!
You fucking slags!
 
 
Give me my money!
 
 
Give me back my money!
 
 
Give it back!
 
 
Wankers! Wankers!
 
 
Come on, you. Not now, please.
 
 
You fucking bastard!
 
 
Fuck...you bastard.
 
 
[Barry] h, my good God!
 
 
We'll take you to the cleaners!
 
 
Twenty grand open.
 
 
Thirty thousand.
 
 
Back to you, Ready Eddie.
 
 
Fifty grand.
 
 
Eighty grand.
 
 
 ne hundred grand.
 
 
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, fellas, I know...
 
 
I know you're not in,
 
 
which means no one cares
what you know.
 
 
Two hundred and fifty.
 
 
That's quite a raise.
 
 
That's one hundred and fifty
on my one hundred.
 
 
Yeah. Is there anything else
you want to say?
 
 
As you know, this puts us
in an awkward position.
 
 
I don't have enough
to continue.
 
 
We'll have to see your cards
if no one loans Eddie the money.
 
 
It's a loan
or we see both your cards.
 
 
I will.
 
 
You will what?
 
 
I will loan you the money.
 
 
No, I think I'd rather
just turn 'em over.
 
 
I'm not interested
in what you would rather.
 
 
I wanna keep going.
 
 
I'm also offering you the money.
 
 
We don't have to turn 'em over
because you can borrow.
 
 
I need two hundred
and fifty grand.
 
 
No, you need five hundred
grand to see me.
 
 
That's if I wanna see you.
 
 
You're gonna have a problem
carrying on, ain't ya?
 
 
I'll see you.
 
 
For half a million?
 
 
Unless you're gonna
accept twenty quid.
 
 
You've still got
a sense of humour.
 
 
It's not monkey-nuts, son.
You can still fold.
 
 
I'll see you.
 
 
 K, before I loan you this,
I expect -
 
 
if you lose, of course -
 
 
my money back within a week.
 
 
Is that it?
 
 
Now let's see his fucking cards.
 
 
# "I Wanna Be Your Dog"
by The Stooges
 
 
# So messed up I want you here
 
 
# In my room I want you here
 
 
# Now we're gonna be
face to face
 
 
# And I'll lay right down
in my favourite place
 
 
# And now I wanna be your dog
 
 
# And now I wanna be your dog
 
 
# And now I wanna be your dog #
 
 
[Retching]
 
 
# Well, come on! #
 
 
Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit poorly?
 
 
I know your friends
 
 
are responsible
for most of the cash...
 
 
so I'm gonna give you
one week to find it.
 
 
 therwise I will take a finger
 
 
off each of you
and your friends' hands
 
 
for every day that passes
without payment.
 
 
When you've
run out of digits -
 
 
your dad's bar,
and who knows what then.
 
 
All right, my son?
 
 
# "Why Did You Do It?"
by Stretch
 
 
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
 
 
# The damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
 
 
# Hit me like a hammer
to my head #
 
 
This doesn't look good.
 
 
'He explained the unfortunate
position they were in.
 
 
'Harry would start sizing up
all their fingers in a week.
 
 
'He knew there was no way Ed
could settle that debt alone.
 
 
'Harry saw it
as their money on the table,
 
 
'so it was their debt
off the table.
 
 
'Ed could've kissed
the old bastard for that.
 
 
'If he said he wanted
to settle the debt on his own,
 
 
'it would have been a lie.'
 
 
I wish he would've
let me settle it.
 
 
- I'm gonna kill him!
- Stop fucking about.
 
 
Think about what
we're gonna do. Sit down.
 
 
What's all the fuss
about Harry?
 
 
Why don't we
boycott the payment?
 
 
Let me tell you
about Hatchet Harry.
 
 
[Bacon] This geezer, Smithy
Robinson, worked for Harry.
 
 
It was rumoured
that he was on the take.
 
 
Harry's invited Smithy round
for an explanation.
 
 
Smithy didn't
do a very good job.
 
 
Within a minute...
 
 
Harry's lost his rag.
 
 
Reached out for the nearest
thing at hand -
 
 
which happened to be
a -inch black rubber cock.
 
 
He then proceeded to batter
poor Smithy to death with it.
 
 
That was seen as
a pleasant way to go.
 
 
Hence Hatchet Harry
is a man you pay if you owe.
 
 
Don't worry,
I'll think of something.
 
 
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
 
 
# Images much deeper
than you'll ever see
 
 
# Hit me like
a hammer to my head
 
 
# I wonder were you pushed
or were you led?
 
 
# Why did you do it?
 
 
# Why did you do
that thing to me? #
 
 
Golf - the best way
to spoil a good walk.
 
 
Winston Churchill said that.
 
 
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
 
 
And I got
bigger teeth than you two.
 
 
[Moaning]
 
 
I think our friend is trying
to tell us something.
 
 
 r should I take
another swing to make sure?
 
 
Give me a five iron, John.
 
 
Certainly, Dog.
 
 
Now, keep still.
 
 
Is there something
you'd like to tell us?
 
 
- The fireplace.
- Shut it, you idiot...
 
 
You were saying?
 
 
It's in the fireplace.
Pull it out. It's in the bottom.
 
 
It's in the fireplace, Frank.
 
 
Pull it out. It's in the bottom.
 
 
Dog, I think you want
to have a look at this!
 
 
You gonna let me down now?
 
 
No, I'm not
finished with you yet.
 
 
Steel.
 
 
Help! Help!
 
 
 h, Dog.
 
 
[Television on]
 
 
[Door buzzer]
 
 
Who the hell's that?
It's only o'clock.
 
 
Use the cage,
that's what it's there for.
 
 
Who is it?
 
 
We have got security
for a reason, Willie.
 
 
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
 
 
This weed's getting
quite a rep, fellas.
 
 
Easy.
 
 
Jesus!
 
 
Never saw you there.
 
 
Hello, love,
enjoying yourself?
 
 
Is she compos?
 
 
What do you think?
 
 
Boo!
 
 
Fuck me!
 
 
Clean that up, Charles.
 
 
Sod you, you clean it up.
 
 
Sorry, fellas, that stupid cow
scared the life out of me!
 
 
Never mind. Can you just
sit down, stay out the way?
 
 
How much is it you want?
 
 
I'm...after an half weight.
 
 
That's .
Pass the scales, Willie.
 
 
Give us some gear, J.
 
 
Any chance of actually
seeing the...money?
 
 
The odds are - .
 
 
All we need is five grand.
 
 
I'd rather put my money
on a three-legged rockin' horse.
 
 
Those odds are - for a good
reason, Bacon - it won't win!
 
 
- Where's Eddie?
- Where do you think?
 
 
The bottom of a bottle,
has been for two days.
 
 
- It's hit him hard.
- It's hit us all hard!
 
 
He's got to tell his dad
he's about to lose his bar.
 
 
Listen to this one.
 
 
You start a company - "Arse
Ticklers Faggots Fan Club".
 
 
- You what?
- Put an advert in a gay mag,
 
 
advertising the latest
in arse-intruding dildos.
 
 
You sell it with...
 
 
"Does what no other
dildo can do until now.
 
 
"The latest and greatest
in sexual technology.
 
 
"Guaranteed results."
All that bollocks.
 
 
These dils cost quid a pop -
 
 
a snip for the pleasure
they'll give the recipients.
 
 
They send their cheques
to the other company name.
 
 
Not offensive, "Bobby's Bits"
or something, for quid.
 
 
You stick it in the bank
until it clears.
 
 
This is the smart bit.
 
 
You send back the cheque
for pound
 
 
from the other company name -
 
 
"Arse Ticklers Faggots
Fan Club" - saying we're sorry,
 
 
we couldn't get supplies from
America - they ran out of stock.
 
 
You see how many people
cash that cheque.
 
 
Not a single soul.
 
 
Who wants their bank manager
to know they tickle arse?
 
 
How long do you
have to wait for a return?
 
 
< Probably
no more than four weeks.
 
 
What good is that if we need it
in six - no, five days?
 
 
Well, it's still a good idea.
 
 
All right, I got one.
 
 
Look, he set us up,
 
 
which means he put money in.
 
 
Which means
he expects money out.
 
 
Don't have to be an economist
to work that out.
 
 
He may know we smoke a lot,
burn a bit of profit,
 
 
but he can't have any idea
 
 
how much hard currency
we've accumulated.
 
 
I don't know. Do you know?
 
 
We can just...
slice it off the top.
 
 
You guys have got
to realise who this chap is.
 
 
He might look a bit silly,
but he's a fucking lunatic.
 
 
If he gets an inkling we're not
throwing straight dice,
 
 
we're gonna know
 
 
what the sharp side
of a kebab knife feels like.
 
 
Yeah, but we're in this
for the cash however it comes.
 
 
[Plank] Well enough - I bought
gear off 'em for years.
 
 
- What they like, then?
- Poofs! Nothing heavy.
 
 
Four public school boys,
soft as shite.
 
 
And you keep all the money.
 
 
I've heard some
stupid fuckin' ideas
 
 
but yours makes
Bacon's sound inspired.
 
 
[Plank] They ponce around
in hippy clothes all day
 
 
talking bollocks - they're
just good at growing weed.
 
 
Business got bigger
than what they can handle.
 
 
[Dog] They can't all be stupid.
 
 
They got a container load
of cash in shoe boxes,
 
 
they sell class A gear -
 
 
someone sensible
must be involved.
 
 
What about security?
 
 
[Plank]
There's a gate they never lock.
 
 
What d'you mean never lock?
Why've they got it, then?
 
 
I must've been there times -
it's never locked.
 
 
They're not suspicious. Everyone
that goes there's a toff.
 
 
They're into that karma crap -
 
 
"I don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me."
 
 
No way they can get back to you?
 
 
They'd be too scared -
I'm a geezer.
 
 
Got no muscle - gutless faggots.
 
 
Fancy one?
 
 
If you're so fuckin' clever,
 
 
why don't you come up
with a suggestion?
 
 
Look, I'm thinking, all right?
I am thinking.
 
 
We're gonna be here
all night, then.
 
 
Is Big Chris on his way?
 
 
He should be here any minute.
 
 
I think you're making
a big mistake, Harry.
 
 
That is a lot of money
for Chris to be after.
 
 
Who the fuck are you
to question my judgement?
 
 
What d'you know
about Big Chris, eh?
 
 
Put Big Chris on a job and he
will get it done no matter what.
 
 
His dad used to collect debts,
and his dad before that.
 
 
And that monster of a boy will
after he's gone.
 
 
'The Almighty himself
 
 
'requested them
to collect debts for eternity,
 
 
'and not to fear knockin'
on ld Nick's door himself
 
 
'if he was behind
on his payment.
 
 
'And he's never nicked
a nicker in his life.'
 
 
Straight as an arrow and strong
as the bow that fired it.
 
 
If you dropped a tenner,
he'd search till he found you.
 
 
'There is a problem,
he isn't stable.
 
 
'Heaven protect anybody
who touches that boy.
 
 
'Not that that boy
needs protecting.'
 
 
What's all the flapping?
You told the old man yet?
 
 
Hoping I won't need to.
 
 
I've got a plan.
Listen carefully.
 
 
- Hello, boys.
- Harry.
 
 
Do you want a drink?
 
 
Hello, my son.
D'you want a lolly?
 
 
Piss off, you nonce.
 
 
 i, watch it!
 
 
No, thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.
 
 
Nice shooter.
 
 
 ne of a pair -
Holland and Holland.
 
 
D'you wanna hold it?
 
 
Not my thing, thanks, Harry.
 
 
Business good?
I imagine that's why I'm here.
 
 
Four young fellas got in deeper
than they could handle.
 
 
They owe me
half a million pound.
 
 
- How much?
- Half a million.
 
 
Well, what d'you
want us to do about it?
 
 
Hit the fuckers.
 
 
I know it sounds a bit strong,
 
 
but it's not as if
we're doing anything illegal.
 
 
I dunno how you
reached that conclusion.
 
 
They can't report they've had
their drugs and money nicked.
 
 
- How heavy are they?
- Don't look all that.
 
 
Hitler didn't look all that.
 
 
All right, but we
are in the soup here
 
 
and this is a silver spoon.
 
 
And it's not as if we've got
all the time in the world. Dig?
 
 
I'm game.
 
 
Me too.
 
 
 h, God!
 
 
Right. We hit 'em
as soon as they come back.
 
 
We'll be prepared. Waiting.
 
 
And they're armed.
 
 
What was that? Armed?
 
 
What d'you mean armed?
Armed with what?
 
 
Bad breath, colourful language,
feather duster?
 
 
What do you think
they'll be armed with?
 
 
Guns, you tit!
 
 
You never said
anything about guns.
 
 
A minute ago, this was
the safest job in the world.
 
 
Now it's turning into
a bad day in Bosnia!
 
 
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
 
 
- I've thought about that and...
- And what, exactly?
 
 
All we have to do is find out
who's carrying 'em.
 
 
They could all be carrying 'em
for what we know.
 
 
No. nly one of 'em carries
them going to the job.
 
 
I assume the same one
will carry 'em back.
 
 
< You assume?
 
 
What is it - assumption
is the brother of all fuck-ups?
 
 
It's the mother of all fuck-ups!
 
 
Brother, mother,
any other sucker.
 
 
It don't make any difference.
 
 
They're still fucking guns and
they still fire fucking bullets!
 
 
Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get £ 
 
 
in the next few days,
let us know.
 
 
In the meantime, Tom,
 
 
talk to Nick the Bubble
about shifting the weed.
 
 
- Weed?
- No, it's not normal weed.
 
 
It's fucked-up skunk, Class A,
 
 
"I can't think
let alone move" shit.
 
 
Doesn't sound
very good to me.
 
 
Neither me - depends
what flicks your switch.
 
 
The light is on and burning
brightly for the masses.
 
 
Anyway, do you know anyone?
 
 
I know a man, yes.
 
 
Rory Breaker.
 
 
The madman with an afro? I don't
want anything to do with him.
 
 
You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.
 
 
No can do.
 
 
What's that -
a place near Kathmandu?
 
 
Meet me half-way, mate.
 
 
It's all completely
chicken soup.
 
 
- It's what?
- It's kosher...as Christmas.
 
 
Jews don't
celebrate Christmas, Tom.
 
 
Never mind that.
I'm gonna need some artillery.
 
 
Coupla sawn-off shotguns.
 
 
A bit heavy. This is London,
not the Lebanon.
 
 
Who d'you think I am?
 
 
I think you're Nick the Greek.
 
 
Hold those two.
 
 
I don't normally have
anything to do with weed.
 
 
But if it is what he says,
 
 
I'll take it off him for
three and a half grand a key.
 
 
If it is what he says.
 
 
I don't want to see it
after a sample,
 
 
I don't want to touch it
after a sample.
 
 
I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Nathan here.
 
 
He'll sort out the details.
 
 
Just let me tell you
one thing...
 
 
If the milk turns out
to be sour,
 
 
I ain't the kind
of pussy to drink it.
 
 
D'you know what I mean?
 
 
Rory Breaker.
 
 
I know Rory. He's not
to be underestimated.
 
 
He's a funny-looking
fucker, I know.
 
 
You've got to look past the hair
and cute cuddly thing.
 
 
It's a deceptive façade.
 
 
A few nights ago
his roger iron busted.
 
 
He's gone down the battle
cruiser to watch the football.
 
 
No one's watching the custard,
so he switches the channel.
 
 
A fat geezer's north opens.
 
 
He wanders up
and turns the Liza over.
 
 
"Fuck off and watch it
somewhere else."
 
 
He knows claret is imminent,
 
 
but he doesn't
want to miss the game.
 
 
Calm as a coma, picks up
the fire extinguisher,
 
 
walks past the jam rolls
ready for action
 
 
and plonks it outside
the entrance.
 
 
He orders an Aristotle
of the most ping-pong tiddly
 
 
in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.
 
 
"That's fucking it,"
says the geezer.
 
 
"That's fucking what?"
says Rory.
 
 
He gobs out a mouthful of booze,
covering Fatty.
 
 
He flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest
 
 
and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.
 
 
Rory, unfazed,
turns back to his game.
 
 
His team's won, too. Four nil.
 
 
 i! Is your hair supposed
to look like that?
 
 
- All right, short stuff.
- Never mind short stuff.
 
 
Next time we do a job like this,
we want more money.
 
 
 r we're going back
to post offices. Fuck that!
 
 
Where's the others?
 
 
There was no others.
 
 
Stop fucking around.
The others - the old ones.
 
 
I don't know what you mean.
 
 
There were two old guns.
Where are they now?
 
 
Not in the cabinet.
 
 
There were some old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.
 
 
- They were ours. We sold them.
- Unsell them!
 
 
We had to sell them.
We needed the money.
 
 
I am not fucking interested.
 
 
If you don't wanna be counting
the fingers you haven't got,
 
 
or sharing a bed
with the Antichrist,
 
 
I want those guns. Quick!
 
 
All right, Barry.
 
 
Calm down.
We'll get them, all right?
 
 
Now fuck off, you scouse cunts.
 
 
[Greek music]
 
 
Jesus! If I pick 'em up,
will they stay in one piece?
 
 
Where'd you get them?
 
 
I got contacts. Listen, Tom -
 
 
you point them at me, I'll shit
myself or do whatever you say.
 
 
Either way, you get
the desired effect.
 
 
They look very nice, I agree.
 
 
They're lacking in criminal
credibility, ain't they?
 
 
I might get laughed at.
How much d'you want for these?
 
 
 each.
 
 
What - a pound for every year
they been about?
 
 
They're antiques, but I ain't
paying antique prices.
 
 
Bit long, ain't they?
 
 
Sawn-offs are out.
 
 
People want a bit
more range these days.
 
 
Range? I don't wanna blow
the arse out of this country,
 
 
but I don't want anyone
blowing a raspberry either.
 
 
I want to look...fucking mean.
 
 
 f course you'll look mean.
 
 
You'll look really scary.
 
 
Enough. What about
this geezer who sells drugs?
 
 
Rory Breaker's standing by.
 
 
You stand to make a lot
of money, tubby Tommy.
 
 
< I understand
this has come as a shock.
 
 
Let me tell you
how this can be resolved
 
 
by you, the good father.
 
 
Go on.
 
 
- He likes your bar.
- Yes.
 
 
He wants your bar.
 
 
And?
 
 
D'you want me
to draw you a picture?
 
 
Look, that boy doesn't know
his arsehole from his earhole.
 
 
This is my bar. It's got
nothing to do with him.
 
 
What, and I care?
 
 
Remember, you have
the luxurious advantage
 
 
of being able to sustain
your son's life.
 
 
You do have a reputation -
 
 
so I'll choose my words
very carefully.
 
 
You tell Harry
to go fuck himself.
 
 
Whew...
 
 
Careful, JD, you'll give Harry
another heart attack.
 
 
Now...
 
 
I'll put that down to shock.
 
 
 nly once.
 
 
 nly once can I, or shall I,
let you get away with that.
 
 
Your son's got three days
to find half a mill.
 
 
Make up your mind
which you prefer -
 
 
your bar...or your son.
 
 
[Plank] There's nothin'
to worry about, it's easy.
 
 
[Dog] No such thing
as easy in my experience.
 
 
If you think it's gonna
be easy, you're a prick.
 
 
It might be easier than most,
but it's not gonna be easy.
 
 
[Feedback]
 
 
What's that idiot
doing next door?
 
 
Right, we use your van.
 
 
There's stairs up to this place
so we'll stick out.
 
 
Plank goes in first.
 
 
There's a cage, but it's never
locked, is it, Plank?
 
 
- Never.
- It don't wanna be.
 
 
 nce he's set,
he gets the rest of us in.
 
 
We'll get nasty,
shit 'em up, gag 'em, whatever.
 
 
These wankers shouldn't
give us any problems.
 
 
Like any cowboys - there'll
be a few tools lying around.
 
 
When the job's done, we come
straight back here and unload.
 
 
And Robert's
your father's brother.
 
 
Everyone savvy?
 
 
[All] Sweet.
 
 
[Dog] We'll do it
tomorrow at eight.
 
 
These slags like
to lie in bed till midday.
 
 
Lowest ebb and all that.
That's the way I like it.
 
 
Jesus!
 
 
Don't worry, we can manage this.
 
 
And what do you want me to do?
 
 
I don't know.
Turn up and look mean.
 
 
What d'you mean, look mean?
 
 
You know, growl a bit.
 
 
Just look as if you know
what you're doing.
 
 
I can do better than that.
 
 
Have a look at these.
 
 
What are we supposed
to do with these?
 
 
Put them on your head, stupid.
 
 
Christ!
 
 
If you think
I'm turning up clean-shaven
 
 
and greet them with a grin,
you've got another thing coming.
 
 
These fellas
are your neighbours.
 
 
I thought it might be a good
idea to disguise ourselves.
 
 
Right...er, good thinking,
Soap. Well done.
 
 
I brought weapons as well.
 
 
What do you mean weapons?
 
 
These.
 
 
Jesus!
 
 
Let's keep 'em covered up.
 
 
Couldn't you get
anything bigger?
 
 
What, like that?
 
 
What d'you think?
 
 
I think you need help.
 
 
Bar steward, can we have
a coupla drinks, please.
 
 
Have you seen your dad?
 
 
Hatchet sent
one of his men round.
 
 
 h, shit. When?
 
 
Crazy.
 
 
A good few years ago, your dad
and Harry played brag together.
 
 
Now, JD is a better player
but Harry is a shit and a cheat.
 
 
This game went on for two days,
until your dad lost everything.
 
 
But Harry wanted more. He wanted
to put your dad deep in debt,
 
 
so he plays on and on
until the stakes are a joke.
 
 
Harry's got some scam goin' on,
 
 
wants to put JD
in trouble for years.
 
 
Harry turns over and he's got
next to unbeatable cards.
 
 
Everyone falls over
'cause they all hate Harry.
 
 
JD starts to weep,
it's a real mess.
 
 
Harry starts laughin', cheerin',
doin' a little jig
 
 
and he turns JD's cards over.
 
 
JD by this time
is cryin' proper tears,
 
 
this is next to pathetic.
 
 
We see the cards, he's got three
threes, the best possible cards!
 
 
And the only time
I have ever seen them.
 
 
JD continues to cry, but now
it doesn't seem so pathetic.
 
 
Harry...he's had a heart attack!
 
 
JD bought this place
with the profits
 
 
and he's never
played cards since.
 
 
Harry's been looking to get
revenge for all those years.
 
 
You've just given him his cue.
 
 
If Harry don't kill you,
your father will.
 
 
He is not a happy chappy, Ed.
 
 
[Phone rings]
 
 
Yes?
 
 
It's happening tomorrow morning.
 
 
No fuckin' about, Ed,
get back here now.
 
 
Where'd you get these,
a fucking museum?
 
 
Nick the Greek.
 
 
How much did you part with?
 
 
 for the pair.
 
 
Drachmas, I hope.
 
 
I'd feel safer
with a chicken drumstick.
 
 
These are gonna do
more harm than good.
 
 
Jesus, Tom. Do these work?
 
 
I don't know. Look nice, though.
I rather like 'em.
 
 
That's top of priorities,
that is.
 
 
Ladies, back to more important
issues, if you don't mind.
 
 
We've only got two real guns -
apparently that's what they are.
 
 
So we find a good place
to hide next door.
 
 
We wait till it's the right
time, then jack-in-the-box,
 
 
look nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em
in gaffer tape, nick their van,
 
 
swap the gear into the new van
and bring it back.
 
 
As long as we're out
of our hiding places quickly,
 
 
it's the last thing
you'd expect.
 
 
If Tom or anyone else feels
like giving 'em a kicking,
 
 
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
 
 
Yeah, little bit of pain
never hurt anybody.
 
 
If you know what I mean.
 
 
Also, I think knives
are a good idea.
 
 
Big, fuck-off shiny ones.
 
 
 nes that look like
they could skin a crocodile.
 
 
Knives are good because
they don't make any noise.
 
 
The less noise they make, the
more likely we are to use 'em.
 
 
Shit 'em right up.
 
 
Makes it look
like we're serious.
 
 
Guns for show, knives for a pro.
 
 
Soap, is there something
we should know about you?
 
 
I'm not sure what's more
worrying, the job or your past.
 
 
Come on, girls.
 
 
Where the fuck are they going?
Shift a piano?
 
 
I thought this was meant
to be a robbery.
 
 
Where'd they get those outfits?
 
 
Not a bad idea, that.
 
 
Come on, you fucking jellyheads,
move it!
 
 
You've been up two hours,
you should've got somewhere.
 
 
The money and the gear's
gotta be out by .
 
 
[Door buzzer]
 
 
Who's that?
 
 
Don't open the door until you've
used that cage. I'm serious.
 
 
Find out who it is first.
 
 
Hello, can I help you?
 
 
All right, it's Plank.
Is Willie there?
 
 
No, I'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.
 
 
Perhaps you can help.
 
 
Perhaps I can't,
if you know what I mean.
 
 
If you could open the door so
I could talk without shouting.
 
 
I can't help you, Plank.
 
 
You'll find
it's in your interest.
 
 
Hold on, K?
 
 
Willie, it's Plank for you.
He says it's in our interest.
 
 
I don't care if it's
King-fucking-Kong,
 
 
he's not coming in here,
not today.
 
 
Hold on. We are in business
and...correct me if I'm wrong
 
 
but that is business.
 
 
Corrected. That's a walking
accident we can do without.
 
 
Jesus. He's K... He knows
only to buy weights now.
 
 
We're looking at at least
a couple of thou'.
 
 
What do you think, Winston?
 
 
This is the last time.
All right?
 
 
You and the money
are going out the back.
 
 
If he knows you're here,
he'll be all day.
 
 
Just clear this shit up!
 
 
What, now?
 
 
Yes! Now! Just get rid
of him quick.
 
 
All right. Just coming.
 
 
What the fuck is he doing?
 
 
Come on, I can't wait
out here all day!
 
 
[Jake] Just coming.
 
 
I thought you was gonna
leave me out there all day.
 
 
I didn't know you were
a removals man, Plank.
 
 
Lives and learns, don't ya?
Keep the gates locked now?
 
 
Ya, sorry. Gotta
do business like this now.
 
 
Can't be too careful these days.
 
 
I know.
 
 
Say a word, the right ear goes,
another, your left!
 
 
- What are you doing, Plank?
- What do you think?
 
 
Hang on, what are you doing?
 
 
Unlock the gate!
Unlock the fucking gate!
 
 
That's it. Go, go, go!
Fucking move!
 
 
What the fuck's going on?
 
 
Hang on, I've got the keys.
 
 
The gate's locked.
 
 
I don't believe
the fucking gate's locked.
 
 
What you done to Fauntleroy?
 
 
I didn't touch him.
He passed out.
 
 
Shut the door!
D'you want the world to see?
 
 
[Door slams, shouting]
 
 
What's going on down there?
 
 
Shit!
 
 
Charles, get the rifle out.
 
 
We're being fucked.
 
 
It must be this one.
 
 
Hold that gun.
Plank, give me the keys.
 
 
Don't point that at my bollocks!
 
 
Planks of wood. I'm working
with fucking planks of wood.
 
 
Shit! What the fuck is that?
 
 
What the fuck's that?
 
 
It's my Bren gun.
 
 
Don't none of you slags move.
I'll kill the lot of you!
 
 
Who you gonna kill, Plank?
There's no one there.
 
 
Aaagh! They fucking shot me!
 
 
Well, shoot 'em back.
 
 
Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get
smokeless cartridges?
 
 
Shit, I've been shot.
 
 
I don't believe this. Could
everyone stop getting shot?
 
 
John, sit down and patch
yourself up, you tart!
 
 
It's a fucking air rifle!
 
 
- What the fuck was that?
- The Bren gun.
 
 
Fire that gun again,
you're a dead man.
 
 
No ifs, no buts,
you're a dead man!
 
 
I've got bollock ache with this.
Where's my fucking gun?
 
 
Now I've got your attention.
Firstly, I'll blow his toes off.
 
 
There go his toes.
 
 
If you want me out of here,
open the fucking gate
 
 
or I'm gonna blow his leg off!
 
 
They're gonna kill us
if we do, man.
 
 
Poor J'll certainly get it
if we don't. He's serious.
 
 
I'm losing patience.
Hurry up, girls!
 
 
[Winston]
It's all fucking right!
 
 
Willie, he doesn't know
you're here...
 
 
Sort something out.
 
 
And all your friends,
there's a good lad.
 
 
- There's only three of us here.
- I don't believe you.
 
 
- I'm gonna blow his leg off.
- There's only three of us!
 
 
- Plank?
- Yeah, one of 'em's out.
 
 
 pen the gate.
 
 
Up, up, up, there's a good lad.
 
 
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
 
 
In those shoe-boxes.
 
 
- Where?
- ut the back.
 
 
- And the weed?
- ut the back.
 
 
- Point.
- With what?
 
 
- Your hands!
- I'm tied up.
 
 
Nod your head or something.
 
 
Check it out. Plank,
get Paul out that van lively.
 
 
[Scream of agony]
 
 
[Bren gun fires]
 
 
[Silence]
 
 
Knife.
 
 
I'm gonna cut him.
Make sure he knows he's dead.
 
 
How you doing, Mick?
 
 
How d'you think?
He's nearly chopped my arm off.
 
 
Jesus Christ.
 
 
Gordon Bennett.
 
 
What the fuck's
been going on here?
 
 
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
 
 
Don't just stand there.
 
 
Can you fit it all in? >
 
 
There's a lot...I can't
get Epping Forest in my van.
 
 
Bollocks to can't.
 
 
You'll fit it all in
if you have to make two trips.
 
 
Bollocks!
 
 
If you don't move it,
we will move it.
 
 
- I'll only be a minute.
- You've already been .
 
 
- Come and have a look.
- At what, exactly?
 
 
- The van's half full.
- So?
 
 
All I've got to do
is fill it up, put you in it...
 
 
What?
 
 
..and I'm off.
 
 
Can you carry
more than one bag this time?
 
 
- I can't. My neck, Dog.
- How many more bags?
 
 
< Just a couple.
 
 
Mick, you dead yet?
 
 
I'll be all right. nce I've
dealt with that lanky prick.
 
 
[Dog] Do it quietly.
 
 
Time to say "Goodnight, nurse".
 
 
Where the fuck
did she come from?
 
 
Tie her up.
We're out of here.
 
 
[Bacon] Not like that,
you idiot. Give it us here.
 
 
What you doing, Ed?
 
 
D'you want one?
 
 
No, I fucking don't.
You cannot make tea, Edward.
 
 
The British Empire
was built on cups of tea.
 
 
[Soap] And look what happened.
 
 
If you think I'm going to war
without one, you're mistaken.
 
 
Going to war with what?
 
 
Have you forgotten
those guns, you dozy prat?
 
 
You won't get away with this.
 
 
- Paul, what's that?
- It's a traffic warden.
 
 
What's he doing
in the back of the van?
 
 
He was gonna call the cozzers.
 
 
Fair enough -
we'll deal with him later.
 
 
How we doing, Tom?
 
 
Right as rain.
 
 
I'm gonna take care of the cabs.
 
 
Keep us posted.
 
 
Do you do airports?
 
 
Where are we gonna hide?
 
 
Don't complicate things.
Just hide.
 
 
 w! Fuck!
 
 
We're on.
 
 
They weigh a pound or two!
 
 
Shut up and back up!
 
 
[Whistle]
 
 
Spin round, big boy.
 
 
Fuck!
 
 
Stay down. Stay down!
 
 
Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up.
Hands and face.
 
 
 n the floor!
 
 
Bend over the fucking desk.
 
 
Keys. I want keys, now.
 
 
I'll find ya.
 
 
'Course you will, sweetheart.
 
 
I'll find ya.
 
 
What d'you think this is?
Fucking hide and seek?
 
 
That one. Search that one.
 
 
Right, I'll see you
in the van,
 
 
when you've finished
with handsome.
 
 
Jesus. That wasn't
too bad, was it?
 
 
When the bottle in my arse has
contracted, I'll let you know.
 
 
Bacon, see what we've got.
 
 
Let's have a butchers.
 
 
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
 
 
We've got God knows how much
of this stinking weed.
 
 
A shitload of cash.
 
 
And a traffic warden.
 
 
What?
 
 
Jesus, Ed.
We got a traffic warden.
 
 
I think he's still alive.
 
 
He's got claret
coming out of him somewhere.
 
 
What did they want
with a traffic warden?
 
 
I don't know.
I don't think we need him.
 
 
Knock him out
and dump him at the lights.
 
 
What d'you mean,
knock him out? With what?
 
 
Use your imagination.
 
 
[Traffic warden wails]
 
 
Don't touch him up.
Knock him out.
 
 
I'll knock you out!
 
 
You wanna knock him out,
you knock him out.
 
 
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
 
 
It's about time you gave my
young friends a visit, Chris.
 
 
Tomorrow's the day
and mum's the word.
 
 
I can't have that, can I, Baz?
 
 
No, Harry, you can't.
 
 
I mean, it's a liberty.
 
 
I can't have a liberty taken,
can I, Chris?
 
 
No, Harry, you can't.
 
 
I mean, it's enough
to give me the arsehole.
 
 
I can't have the arsehole,
can I, boys?
 
 
No, Harry, you can't.
 
 
Dead, I don't know who they
fuckin' think they can be,
 
 
that I won't find 'em.
 
 
I don't give a fuck
who they think they are!
 
 
I'll kill 'em! I'll fucking
hang, draw and quarter 'em!
 
 
All right, that's it.
We're done.
 
 
We're off.
 
 
Ed, are you sure it's a good
idea taking this back to yours?
 
 
It's the only place we can,
and the last place they'll look.
 
 
Anyway, fuck it. The battle
is over and the war is won.
 
 
Tom, take this to Nick the
Bubble and get rid of it quick.
 
 
This skunk
is as good as it gets.
 
 
All right.
We'll take it. Half price.
 
 
I don't think he'll like that.
 
 
You said three five a key.
That's a good price.
 
 
That was yesterday. >
 
 
Now it's today,
if I'm not mistaken.
 
 
We'll take it tomorrow.
Half price.
 
 
If he wants to get rid of it
quick, he'll have to take it.
 
 
Look, I've got a race coming up,
so if you'd be kind enough...
 
 
Lenny,
 
 
take that round to Snow White
and the three little chemists.
 
 
They should have
a gander at that.
 
 
I want a second opinion.
 
 
Hang on a minute, Nathan,
something stinks.
 
 
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
 
 
Fuck you, funny man.
 
 
For God's sake, help me.
 
 
I'm in pain.
I'm in so much pain!
 
 
Go in slowly, Nathan.
 
 
Fuck you, funny man.
You go first.
 
 
Get the fuck in there!
 
 
I want this house searched
for bugs, stripped.
 
 
Even if there was a bug,
they'd have taken it with 'em.
 
 
Bit late to start thinking.
 
 
If it's a possibility,
that's good enough for me.
 
 
Then I want every slag
this side of Ceylon pulled in
 
 
and tortured...badly.
 
 
I want to know
who's responsible for this,
 
 
otherwise I hold
you responsible.
 
 
[Eddie] Not a bad day.
 
 
That pile takes care of Harry.
 
 
What's left over?
 
 
Give me half a chance
to count it.
 
 
What about this gear, then?
 
 
 h, what, you want
a toke on that?
 
 
No. I don't want any
of that horrible shit.
 
 
Can we lock up
and get drunk now, please?
 
 
Look, we had the gates up, but
they stuck a shotgun through.
 
 
Poor bloody J got shot.
 
 
Right mess.
 
 
It'll be more than your life's
worth if you jest with me.
 
 
Some girl took one out.
He was in a right two an' eight.
 
 
We shot one of them...
in the...er, throat.
 
 
I'll shoot you
if I don't get my ganja back.
 
 
The one you shot.
Is he still in there? >
 
 
No, it was another one.
 
 
That's more like it.
Where is he?
 
 
Well, they...they
took him with.
 
 
He's still, still alive.
 
 
What did you shoot him with?
An air gun?
 
 
Look, we grow weed.
We're not mercenaries.
 
 
You don't say.
 
 
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
 
 
Mr Breaker.
 
 
Today, my name is Mr Breaker.
 
 
You think this
is a coincidence?
 
 
This white shite
steals my things
 
 
and thinks he can
sell it back to me!
 
 
He's got less brains
than you, Lenny!
 
 
Get Nick - the greasy wop
 
 
shistos pezavengy gammore
Greek bastard round here now,
 
 
if he's stupid enough
to be on this planet.
 
 
# Come with me,
I'll fill you with desire
 
 
# Take my hand and we'll walk
this land together #
 
 
Your stupidity might be
your one saving grace.
 
 
Uuh?
 
 
Don't uuh me, Greek boy.
 
 
How is it your fucking stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends
 
 
thought that they could
steal my cannabis
 
 
and then sell it back to me?
 
 
Is this a declaration of war?
 
 
Is this some white cunt's joke?
 
 
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,
Ni-ko-las!
 
 
I have three interests
in life, Nick.
 
 
No, four.
Football, music, money,
 
 
and the annihilation of anyone
who interferes with those.
 
 
You couldn't
have known my position, >
 
 
'cause you're not that stupid
that if you did,
 
 
you wouldn't have turned up here
scratching your arse,
 
 
with that "what's going on" look
on your chevy chase.
 
 
But you do know
where these people live.
 
 
If you hold back anything,
I'll kill you.
 
 
If you bend the truth, or
I think you are, I'll kill you.
 
 
If you forget anything,
I'll kill you.
 
 
In fact, you'll have to work
very hard to stay alive, Nick.
 
 
Do you understand
everything I've said?
 
 
Because if you don't,
I'll kill you.
 
 
Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak...
you may enlighten me.
 
 
So we've got a bit
of a problem, ain't we?
 
 
Er, well...yeah, we do.
 
 
In fact, this is a bit more
than a bit of a problem.
 
 
It's the Mount
fucking Everest of problems!
 
 
The reason it's such a fucking
monstrosity of a problem is...
 
 
you haven't got the first idea
who did this to us, have you?
 
 
We've been up all night.
It's no one from round here.
 
 
We've had 'em all
lined up against the wall.
 
 
If it was a toerag
from the manor, we'd know.
 
 
- We'd know.
- You'd fucking know!
 
 
You wouldn't know if it was
the next door neighbours!
 
 
Get out there and find them!
 
 
I'm sick of
the fucking sight of you!
 
 
"Scarface" -
I've watched "Scarface".
 
 
If you want to know how to do
a drug deal, watch "Scarface".
 
 
That really inspires confidence.
 
 
This guy, Rory Breaker...
 
 
Rory Breaker - psychotic
black dwarf with an afro?
 
 
That'll be the same man, yes.
 
 
I've heard of him -
he's a fucking lunatic.
 
 
He can afford the deal
at the price we're selling.
 
 
It's not worth him
giving us any trouble.
 
 
He knows we'll be a pain
in the arse. Who needs that?
 
 
I'd take a pain in the arse
for half a million quid.
 
 
You'd take a pain
in the arse for air miles.
 
 
The fatter you get,
the sadder you get.
 
 
Will you stop flirting
for a minute?
 
 
After we pay Hatchet,
this deal puts us up...
 
 
nearly £ each.
 
 
Not bad for a morning's work,
I think you'll agree.
 
 
So they had the cash.
 
 
And the puff.
 
 
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
 
 
Shit, Dog. There's a lot.
 
 
Do you want to do it next door?
 
 
We're not going next door
 
 
till we've flayed
them dead men walking.
 
 
We'll count it upstairs.
 
 
I don't want them to see you
fingering the money.
 
 
Dog, look...
 
 
Give us it here...dozy bastard.
 
 
Check your guns.
Get yourselves well hid.
 
 
Wait till they get right inside
the door, then give it 'em.
 
 
Give me them shooters,
you can use your own.
 
 
[Phone ringing]
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
That's no way
to answer the phone.
 
 
Is that you, Dean?
 
 
It's Lord fucking Lucan.
Who do you think it is?
 
 
What can I do for you?
 
 
Those guns I sold you,
I need them back.
 
 
Not likely. I don't think
I'll be seeing them again.
 
 
I've got the money
to pay for them.
 
 
I'm sure you do.
But you don't understand.
 
 
I ain't seeing them
or the guns again.
 
 
We can't get them.
 
 
If we can't get them,
we can't get them.
 
 
You'll have to get them.
 
 
We made a deal for everything
inside the cabinet.
 
 
Inside, outside -
I don't give a shit.
 
 
Get those guns,
because if you don't...
 
 
Yeah, Bazza, or what?
 
 
Have you heard
of Harry Lonsdale?
 
 
 therwise known as "Hack You
Up With an Hatchet Harry"?
 
 
Well, this is...
 
 
James Bond, need-to-know time.
 
 
When you dance with the devil,
you wait for the song to stop.
 
 
Know what I mean?
 
 
I mean find 'em,
torture 'em and kill 'em.
 
 
And bring back
what belongs to me.
 
 
Because if you don't,
your family's bang in trouble.
 
 
Who was that?
 
 
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
 
 
Jesus, I've heard of him.
 
 
[Dean] Shit, they were
his fucking guns we sold.
 
 
We've got to find them.
 
 
No fucking about, Nick.
Where can I find those guns?
 
 
[Zorba the Greek plays]
 
 
Six black cocks
and a little white kitten
 
 
sitting on the side
of the road.
 
 
We're gonna do
a proper decoration job.
 
 
I want the grey skies
of London illuminated.
 
 
I want that house painted red.
 
 
All right, there's this brass
standing on the corner.
 
 
Dwarf walks up to her
carrying a suitcase...
 
 
Winston there
is gonna come along
 
 
and see if he recognises
any of them.
 
 
Watch out for these fellas -
 
 
they've got a bit of an arsenal
and they don't mind using it.
 
 
I'm taking down her panties...
 
 
Does everyone know
what they got to do?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
[Music speeding up]
 
 
[Music very fast]
 
 
What the fuck is going on?
 
 
[Shooting continues]
 
 
You got something here
for me, have you?
 
 
Come on. Chop-chop.
 
 
Thank you very much.
 
 
He's got the guns.
 
 
- You get them.
- Why me?
 
 
You're supposed
to be the hard case...
 
 
You get the guns!
I drive the car!
 
 
Good boy.
 
 
- Get the fucking guns.
- Y U get the fucking guns!
 
 
You fucking big...
 
 
All right. Wrap them guns up.
 
 
Count the money.
 
 
Put your seat belt on.
 
 
We've got to get the fucking
guns or we're dead!
 
 
..so I made sure I fucked
the one that was coughing.
 
 
Get out the car,
you yuppie fucker!
 
 
[Whimpering]
 
 
He's the one
we shot in the neck.
 
 
[Gunshot]
 
 
Jesus!
 
 
I don't believe this.
What the fuck has happened here?
 
 
Jesus.
 
 
The money. The gear.
 
 
This is fucked.
 
 
No money. No weed.
 
 
It's all been replaced
by a pile of corpses.
 
 
All right. Don't panic.
Let's think about this.
 
 
Fuck that,
you can think about it.
 
 
I am panicking and I'm off.
 
 
Hello, John. Nice holiday?
 
 
Yeah, terrific, Chris.
 
 
I got sunstroke and concussion
thrown in for an extra grand.
 
 
Sounds like a good deal.
You're not complaining, are you?
 
 
No, I'll take the family
next year.
 
 
Fair play to ya.
 
 
- That you, Chris?
- Harry.
 
 
How did you get your hands
on these, then?
 
 
The boys had 'em.
 
 
I know you like
these sort of things -
 
 
wondered if you wanted 'em.
 
 
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
 
 
- Was it hard getting the money?
- Not especially.
 
 
Upset a few characters, though.
 
 
Have you counted it?
 
 
Yeah, it's all there,
to the pound.
 
 
- They were gonna pay?
- Looks like it.
 
 
But who knows?
The opportunity was there.
 
 
In my experience, it's best
to take that opportunity -
 
 
if it's there.
 
 
Good work, Chris.
 
 
[Dean]
We've got to get those guns.
 
 
[Gary]
We don't know who lives there.
 
 
[Dean]
I don't care who lives there!
 
 
All's I know is it's preferable
to death by Hatchet.
 
 
[Gary] Fair enough. Let's go.
 
 
I don't think
it's the right move.
 
 
[Ed] It's either that,
 
 
the old boy's place
and we lose a digit daily.
 
 
- I'm gonna phone him.
- As if he'll care.
 
 
He'll care. That was
supposed to be his money.
 
 
Whether he cares about us
is different.
 
 
Pass me the phone.
 
 
[Phone rings]
 
 
Yeah? That you, boy?
 
 
It's Ed,
if that's what you mean.
 
 
'Pay day, ain't it?'
 
 
Yeah...I wanted
to talk to you about that.
 
 
I'll bet you do.
 
 
I got half
a million nicker here,
 
 
which means
some poor sod doesn't.
 
 
You've upset a few people.
 
 
But that really
isn't my concern, is it?
 
 
What does concern me...
is the guns you had.
 
 
'I want to talk to you
about that.'
 
 
So get your arse here now.
And I mean now!
 
 
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
 
 
Bastard!
 
 
What the fuck
are you doing here?
 
 
What the fuck
are you doing here?
 
 
Job well done. We made
a few quid out of that one.
 
 
Son...?
 
 
Made a few quid, did you?
 
 
Where's what I want?
 
 
You all right there, mate?
 
 
Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
 
 
I've just left it in the office.
 
 
We'd better get it, if you want
your son to see his birthday.
 
 
- Now chop-fucking-chop.
- All right. Fair enough.
 
 
Where you going?
 
 
It's a thirty second drive
or a five minute walk.
 
 
I couldn't have parked outside,
I'd have got a ticket.
 
 
I suppose that don't
matter now, does it?
 
 
Just be careful.
 
 
Right.
 
 
[Ed] You and me.
 
 
[Tom] You and who?
 
 
You know where
the door handle is, Tom.
 
 
# "The Payback"
by James Brown
 
 
# Payback
 
 
# That's it, payback
 
 
# Revenge, I'm mad
 
 
# Get down with my girlfriend
 
 
# That ain't right #
 
 
 h, no. Not again.
 
 
That's it. I'm off.
 
 
Tom...that is our bag.
 
 
- Ed...!
- Hold on.
 
 
This is our bag.
 
 
That's it. We're off.
 
 
- I'm gonna take these guns.
- Tom, don't fuck about!
 
 
It'll only take a minute.
 
 
What is going on?
 
 
I don't know, but I do know
there's no more Harry.
 
 
Which means
there's no more debt.
 
 
If there's no more debt,
there's no more problem.
 
 
And there's no problem with the
neighbours - they're all dead.
 
 
And I think,
if I get this right,
 
 
we haven't done anything wrong
and we're in the clear.
 
 
Never ever...
 
 
has anyone
been as fucking rude...
 
 
..to me as you!
 
 
You fucking...bastard!
 
 
All right, mate?
 
 
Cheeky bastard!
 
 
'This was an embarrassing
position for Tom to be in.
 
 
'But Chris had to respect
the fact that he was holding
 
 
'what appeared to be
a pair of loaded shotguns.
 
 
'Tom had to respect the fact
they were not loaded.
 
 
'So without anybody
losing too much face,
 
 
'Tom left through a side door
and Chris left with the money.
 
 
'Everybody else got arrested.'
 
 
 dds, chaps,
gotta remember the odds.
 
 
Hope I'm not interrupting?
 
 
I need to know,
what's goin' on, son?
 
 
He's not one of 'em.
 
 
# Sitting in the cheap seats
underneath the stiles
 
 
# I'm heading back to base
 
 
# I'll drop you off
at my house #
 
 
Your dad would like
a word with you, Ed.
 
 
Where are the others?
 
 
They got out yesterday.
They're at the bar.
 
 
All right, Dad?
 
 
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
 
 
I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
 
 
All in good time.
 
 
So, are you in the clear?
 
 
More importantly...am I?
 
 
It appears so.
 
 
Appears? You'll have to do
better than fucking appears.
 
 
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
 
 
That's about as clear
as it can get.
 
 
How about that drink?
 
 
You know where the bar is.
 
 
Eh?
 
 
< Don't make yourself
too comfortable.
 
 
Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
 
 
You're lucky
you're still breathing,
 
 
let alone able to walk.
 
 
I suggest you take
full advantage of that fact.
 
 
..it's in all our interests.
 
 
All right, lads?
 
 
How's it goin'?
How you doing, Soap?
 
 
- Still cooking?
- Yeah, you know.
 
 
How about the girls?
 
 
What about your diet?
 
 
Where's that son of mine?
 
 
# Taking gasoline
 
 
# I'm a teen dream
 
 
# Superhuman being
 
 
# I'm a man machine
 
 
I'm a man machine #
 
 
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
 
 
Sit down. I'll tell you.
 
 
The traffic warden identified
the neighbours' bodies.
 
 
Which sort of
puts us in the clear.
 
 
The only thing connecting us
with the case...
 
 
..is those shotguns.
 
 
And Tom took care of them.
 
 
[Soap] You did
take care of the shotguns?
 
 
I wanted to talk about that.
 
 
Well, talk.
 
 
Well, actually...no.
 
 
They're in the car.
I was gonna sell 'em to Nick,
 
 
but I couldn't get hold of him.
 
 
You dippy bastard.
 
 
So...the only thing
connecting us with the case
 
 
is in the back of your car,
which is parked outside?!
 
 
They cost quid.
I'm not gonna throw 'em away.
 
 
They're hardly likely to trace
'em back to us, are they?
 
 
You think it's worth
the risk for £ ?
 
 
Tom, you're a dick!
 
 
Take those guns
and throw 'em off a bridge.
 
 
And yourself while you're at it.
 
 
Now.
 
 
Look, all I'm...
 
 
Now, Tom!
 
 
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
 
 
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
 
 
It seemed Hatchet
underestimated you lot.
 
 
And it seems to have cost him.
 
 
I ain't gonna make
the same mistake, am I?
 
 
So I've decided
to bring your bag back.
 
 
I think the word you're looking
for, gentlemen, is "thank you".
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
You've presented me
with a problem.
 
 
I've lost my employer.
 
 
So I've taken care
of meself and me son.
 
 
If you think that's unfair,
pay me a little visit.
 
 
But you better be
waving a white flag,
 
 
high and clear
so as I can see it.
 
 
 r it'll be the last
visit you ever make. Understand?
 
 
That's all I've come to say.
 
 
There is one more thing...
 
 
It's been emotional.
 
 
# "Fool's Gold"
by The Stone Roses
 
 
# The gold road's
sure a long road
 
 
# Winds on through the hills
for fifteen days #
 
 
We are now officially in
the money-lending business, son.
 
 
Put your seatbelt on.
 
 
We're out of here.
 
 
It's empty.
 
 
# The pack on my back is aching
 
 
# The straps seem
to cut me like a knife
 
 
# I'm no clown
I won't back down
 
 
# I don't need you to tell me
what's going down...#
 
 
[All] What's his number?
 
 
You'll jam the line!
I'll call him!
 
 
My fucking batteries!
 
 
- You muppet!
- Give me the phone!
 
 
- I'll dial it!
- Tell me the number!
 
 
- Give me your phone!
- You'll break it!
 
 
You'll break it
and it'll be fucked!
 
 
Shut it. It's fucking ringing!
 
 
[Ringing]
 
 
[Ringing]
 
 
[Ringing]
 
 
# " h Girl"
by Mauro Pawloski
 
 
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
 
 
# Got my finger on the trigger
 
 
# I'm gonna pull it
 
 
# I've picked a clip now
I'm the son of a gun
 
 
# So hold it right there,
Little girl, little girl
 
 
# We're gonna have big fun
 
 
# I may be an oldie
 
 
# But I'm a goodie, too
 
 
# I'll last forever
 
 
# And I'll be good to you
 h, yes, I will.
 
 
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
 
 
# Got my finger on the trigger
 
 
# I'm gonna pull it
 
 
# I'm a super soul
sure shot, yeah
 
 
# I'm a national breakout
 
 
# So let me check
your play-list, mama
 
 
# Come on, let's make out
 
 
# I'm high on the chart
 
 
# Tipped for the top
 
 
# But till I'm in your heart
 
 
# I ain't never gonna stop
 
 
# Never, never, baby
 
 
There's this brass
standing on the corner,
 
 
a dwarf walks up
carrying a suitcase
 
 
says "How much?"
 
 
She says "A oner", he says
"All right," takes her off.
 
 
Says "All right, clothes off,
get on the bed," she lays down,
 
 
dwarf opens the suitcase
and pulls out four springs,
 
 
puts one on each hand and foot,
 
 
bounces over and gets
on top of her, boing,
 
 
bouncin' up and down,
 
 
boing boing, gives her
the best shag she's ever had,
 
 
he's on her for two hours,
 
 
and it's the best fuck
she's ever had.
 
 
She's like, "That was amazing,
the best fuck I've ever had.
 
 
"What technique
d'you call that?"
 
 
He says Four Spring
Dwarf Technique.
 
 
There were two old guns.
Where are they now?
 
 
Not in the cabinet.
 
 
There were some old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.
 
 
- They were ours. We sold them.
- Unsell them!
 
 
They were ours....
 
 
I'm not fucking interested.
 
 
If you don't wanna be counting
the fingers you haven't got,
 
 
 r sharing a bed
with the Antichrist
 
 
I suggest you get
those guns. Quick!
 
 
All right.
 
 
And get us an ice cream
while you're at it.
 
 
That takes care
of that lot, son.
 
 
Ha-hey! Go on, son!
 
 
# We've got
a smash double header
 
 
# If we only stay together
 
 
# Talking about you
 
 
# Talking about me
 
 
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
 
 
# Got my finger on the trigger
 
 
# I'm gonna pull it
 
 
# Yes, I am
 
 
# Be my A side, baby
 
 
# Be beside me
 
 
# Right now, right now,
I'm single
 
 
# But pretty soon you'll see
 
 
# We'll have a hit first time
 
 
# It won't be long we'll find
 
 
# That we're raising a whole LP
 
 
# You know I'm eighteen
with a bullet
 
 
# Yes, I am, baby
 
 
# I've got my finger
right there on the trigger
 
 
# I'm gonna pull it,
pull it, pull it
 
 
# You better start
making plans, baby
 
 
# This old house
is too small now, now, now #
Category:Transcripts