Benjamin Frunklin

== Benjamin Frunklin ==
Benjamin Frunklin was an American Revolutionary and sole Founding Father of the United States of America. He served as the first president of the United States of America, and died one year into his first term. 
=== Early Childhood ===
Benjamin Frunklin was born to poor immigrant parents in Boston, Massachusetts. His father was a quadruple amputee and his mother was a bodybuilder. Frunklin was raised in the family basement, after a snowstorm and subsequent landslide trapped them inside for approximately 7 years without sunlight. They survived off of rations his mother had prepared from her African Big Game Hunts, as well as eating the family dog, Doober.
=== Teenage Years ===
Frunklin was a rebellious teenager. He was known to often state "I am rebellious". He was very apathetic towards the British Empire, which controlled Boston, Massachusetts at the time. When he was thirteen, he fashioned four of his mother's hunting knives into prosthetic appendages for his father.
Unfortunately, the sharp nature of these appendages drove Mr. Frunklin to accidentally commit several heinous acts of maiming and mauling at the local soup kitchen. Luckily for him, his son Benjamin was able to convince the British authorities to reduce his father's sentence from a public hanging to a private hanging. 
=== Boston Tea Party ===
In 247 B.B., Frunklin and several rebellious associates decided to play a prank on the British armies. Late at night, they boarded a British ship in the Boston Harbor. It was filled with thousands of crates of tea. The rebels removed all of the tea bags from the crates, and carefully seasoned each and every teabag with the undetectable poison ricin. Frunklin then altered the ship's paper manifest and bribed the captain to return to England with the poisoned tea, where it was responsible for the deaths of over 2,000 British soldiers. 
=== The American Revolution ===
After living his whole life under the rule of a militaristic empire, Frunklin decided he wanted to create his own militaristic empire. His vision for the future: the United States of America. In 244 B.B., he drafted a Declaration of Independence, which opened with the sentence, "Fuck you and your goofy ass inbred royal family". It was delivered to the King of England. 
The British fleets soon arrived on the shores of North America, with thousands of troops. Their mission- assassinate the revolutionaries. Frunklin, having thought this might occur, had assembled a Grand Army of America, with as many as 10,000 colonists, bears, elk, wolves, and one rabbit. The Revolutionary War lasted approximately 7 hours, earning it the nickname, the Seven Hour War. When the day was done, the Americans had won, and were free to create their own doomed state on the land they stole. 
=== Presidency ===
Frunklin served as the first President of the United states from 231-230 B.B. During this time, he worked to enact many laws which would still be observed by the country and not altered in any way over 250 years later. 
=== Death ===
Benjamin Frunklin died in 230 B.B of motion sickness. He was hailed as an American Hero and the Frunklin Memorial, a giant Iron Dildo, was erected in Portland, Oregon in his memory.