The Beardsman (Rewrite)/transcript

== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: July 13, 2024
Episode Copyrighted: 2024
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
Campers are talking to each other near the Krusty Kanteen.
Katherine Mulligan: This is Katherine Mulligan reporting to you live at the wilderness presentation from the greatest mountain, Paul Grunion, the Beardsman! Back to you, Perch!
Perch Perkins: *uses microphone* Attention, campers! Today we're having a wilderness presentation from the greatest mountain, Paul Grunion, the Beardsman!
Human and fish campers: Yay!
The camera pans down to something rustling in the tall grass.
Bear: *comes out from grass, roars*
Human and fish campers: *screams*
Bubble Bass: *points* That's not the Beardsman! That's a wild bear!
Kevin C. Cucumber: *yells and buries myself in the sand”
Bubble Bass: *screams and runs* Run!
Patrick Star: *yells* RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! *screams and runs*
All: *screams and runs around*
Three anchovies: *toss a raft into the lake and begin rowing* Meep! Meep! Meep!
Three campers: *screams and runs away from our table*
Bear: *tilts the table to eat the kids' slop, then tosses away the table*
Fish camper: *holds patty* Oh! Uh! Ahh!
Bear: *licks its lips, then chases after the camper*
The bear repeatedly tries to chomp at his patty.
Mr. Grunion: *rows on land in the distance* ♪ Oh, hey! ♪ *twirls an oar in my hand, then jumps over a rock, landing in a pose*
Lincoln Loud: *points* Look! He's here! The Beardsman!
Two campers: *runs and screams, then stops in front of Mr. Grunion*
Mr. Grunion: *leaps to the bear and begins tackling it*
At one point, the sea bear grabs him by the beard, but he tickles him*
Mr. Grunion: Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Bear: *laughs*
Then they continue fighting.
Suddenly, Mr. Grunion and the bear are playing checkers, both thinking.
Mr. Grunion: *chuckles*
As he moves a piece.
Bear: *swipes at the checkerboard*
Then they continue fighting.
Bear: *roars*
Mr. Grunion: *slaps the bear with my beard, making him lose balance and fall to the ground*
Campers: *cheers*
Mr. Grunion: Well met, mighty sea bear. *picks up the bear* You are truly a force to reckon with. *shakes hands with the bear* Remember, always respect nature.
Bear: *picks up the camper's patty with his tongue and eats it*
Fish camper: *whimpers*
As the bear leaves.
As Mr. Grunion raises his beard fist.
Human and fish campers: Yay!
Clyde McBride: His beard is the coolest!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Having a beard like that is the only reason I want to grow up.
Mr. Grunion: *does the splits over a gap* Always leave the wilderness *closes the gap* in the way you found it.
Human and fish campers: *cheers*
Mr. Grunion: *puts an apple on my head, then shoots an arrow in the air*
The arrow goes around the planet and slices the apple on Mr. Grunion's head in half.
Mr. Grunion: *chuckles*
Then he is flexing my biceps to bounce the apple slices in the air, which land in the campers' hands.
Mr. Grunion: Waste not, want not.
Human and fish campers: Yay!
Patrick Star: *sadly* Oh, I'm hungry, too. *reaches in my pants* Ooh! *pulls out a hot dog* Spare hot dog! *puts the hot dog on a bun and gets ready to eat it*
Mr. Grunion: *gets in front of Patrick*
Patrick Star: Huh?
Mr. Grunion: No one eats a mustard-less hot dog on my watch.
He grabs a rock and squeezes it on top of the hot dog, which squirts mustard.
Mr. Grunion and Patrick Star: *laughs*
Bubble Bass: *points* He squirts mustard from a stone!
Patrick Star: I love you. *eats the hot dog*
Mr. Grunion: *tosses the squeezed rock* To survive in the wilderness, you must know how to make a campfire. Step one, chop your wood. *pulls out a log from his beard and chops it with my beard hand*
Human and fish campers: Ah. Ohh.
Mr. Grunion: Step two, make fire. *flexes my muscles, moves my abs and claps my beard hands together to set the logs on fire*
Lincoln and Leni Loud: Whoa!
Human and fish campers: *cheers*
Harvey: Wood!
Lincoln Loud: *holds marshmallows on a stick in front of the campfire* I know know the true meaning of rugged!
Mr. Grunion: *juggles chainsaws* Anyone want to see more?
Human and fish campers: Yeah! We do!
Mr. Grunion: *tosses the chainsaws aside* Then you shall. *wipes hands* But first, I need to take a power nap. I canoed three sleepless days to get here. *flexes my body to take off my flannel, which turns into a tent* I'll see you in 15 minutes. *enters the tent and snores*
Leni Loud: *quietly to Lincoln*I wanna see how he powers his nap. *tiptoes away*
Lincoln Loud: Ha! *eats my marshmallow, then tiptoes with Leni*
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *enters the tent where Mr.Grunion is sleeping on a bed*
Leni Loud: Huh? Ooh!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *runs to Mr. Grunion's beard, picks it up*
Leni Loud: It's totes amazing and *feels the beard* soft like hacksaw filings.
Lincoln Loud: That's weird. I didn't think you could take a beard off.
Leni Loud: Lincoln, you don't sleep with a beard on. It'll get all wrinkly.
Lincoln Loud: Wow. Even in repose he's teaching us a lesson in responsibility.
They both notice that Mr. Grunion is now sleeping with his butt in the air.
Lincoln Loud: *points* Oh, no! He's waking up! Run!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *runs off*
Lincoln and Leni are now hiding behind a coral tree.
Lincoln Loud: *wipes sweat* Phew!
Leni Loud: *wears beard* That was close.
Lincoln Loud: *jumps* Gah! Leni, you took his beard? You gotta put it *points to the tent* back!
Leni Loud: Sure, sure. *strokes beard* But don't you wanna try it out first?
Lincoln Loud: Uhh, well, okay. *points* But we gotta put it right back.
Leni Loud: Very well. *points at the ground* Hand me that piece of coal, brother.
Lincoln Loud: *picks up the coal and gives it to Leni*
Leni Loud: *tries to crack open the coal, and turns it into a diamond* Did it.
Lincoln Loud: *jumps* Cool, a diamond!
Lincoln Loud and Leni Loud: *cheers* Hooray!
Leni Loud: *tosses away the diamond*
Cat: *meows*
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *looks up*
As the camera pans upward to a distressed cat on top of a coral tree.
Cat: *meows, then holds on a coral tree*
Lincoln Loud: Ooh! Lemme try, lemme try!
Leni Loud: *rips off the beard*
Lincoln Loud: Ooh! *puts on the beard, then flexes my beard while growling, then jumps into the air* Yip! *pulls up on a coral stump and switches the tree's positions with the stump* Woah! *takes the cat off the stump* There you go.
Cat: *meows, then walks away*
Leni Loud: *holds hands out, jumping* Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme! *rips the beard from Lincoln, making him fall; puts the beard back on and growls*
Lincoln Loud: *gets up*
Leni Loud: I'm totes gonna to make a campfire! *strains to make my beard hands clap and rub together, which sets the beard on fire*
Lincoln Loud: Leni, the beard!
Leni Loud: *screams, tosses the beard and stomps on it* The beard's making the fire more burning!
Lincoln Loud: I-I'll be right back! *runs off*
Leni Loud: *whimpers*
Lincoln Loud: *comes back with an axe, hitting the beard* Die, fire, die!
Leni Loud: *runs away to help hit it with a shovel*
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *pants*
Leni Loud: We did it!
Lincoln Loud: Yeah, but look what we did.
Beard: *coughs*
Leni Loud: Aw, he won't even notice.
The beard turns into smoke.
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *gasps, then screams*
Lincoln Loud: *jumps* Now he'll notice that!
Leni Loud: Don't worry. I have a plan.
Slide transition cuts to Lincoln and Leni peeking behind a rock behind the campers and Mr. Grunion.
Lincoln and Leni Loud: Huh?
Mr. Grunion: *stretches and yawns inside the tent, greeting the campers while wearing Leni's dress as a beard* Greetings, campers. Ready to get your wilderness on?
Human and fish campers: Yeah! Huh?
Sandy Cheeks: What?
The sea bunny appears near Mr. Grunion, who pets him.
Sea bunny: Huh?
Mr. Grunion: Oh, oh, oh. Hey there, little buddy. *picks up the sea bunny* Remember, no matter how cute, don't feed the wild animals.
Sea bunny: *slams Mr. Grunion multiple times, wipes its hands, and hops away*
Mr. Grunion: That shouldn't have happened. *looks at my "beard"* Wait a minute. *feels my face* This isn't my beard!
Leni's dress comes off his face.
Mr. Grunion: What happened to my beard?
Leni Loud: *gasps* OMGOSH! We destroyed Mr. Grunion’s beard!!
Lincoln Loud: Yeah.
Sandy Cheeks: *picks up Leni's dress* I have a notion who might have some idea about what's going on here. Lincoln? Leni?
Lincoln Loud: *appears with Leni* Oh, uh, hey, Sandy. Whatcha up to?
Sandy Cheeks: Mind explaining why *tosses Leni's dress* Leni's dress...
Leni Loud: *puts my dress back in my purse*
Sandy Cheeks: ...replaced Mr. Grunion’s beard?
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *looks at each other with guilt*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Lincoln? Leni? Are you guys crying?
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *starts crying*
Lincoln Loud: Oh, it's all our fault!
Leni Loud: And I just wanted to see it up close, but there's another reason we didn't tell you!
Lincoln Loud: And then we destroyed it!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *cries*
Mr. Grunion: That-- that beard was the sauce of all my *tugs at face* robust wilderness powers!
Lincoln Loud: Well, I guess you'll just have to grow your beard back, huh, Mr. Grunion?
Mr. Grunion: *cries* I can't! I never could. It just comes in all splotchy.
Close-up of his stubby facial hair.
Lincoln and Leni Loud: Ew.
Mr. Grunion: *starts crying again, then hugs Lincoln and Leni*
As they cry with him.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's all that crying about?
Patrick Star: I don't know, SpongeBob. I hope his beard grows back.
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *stops crying*
Sandy Cheeks: All right, you two! Time to hop off your *points down* pity ponies and do somethin'!
Slide transition to the Dinghy cabin, where Mr. Grunion is sat on a stool.
Lincoln Loud: Don't worry, Mr. Grunion. One of these methods is *turns Mr. Grunion around* sure to have you growing a new beard in no time.
Leni Loud: *cheers* Grow!
Lincoln Loud: *looks with a magnifying glass* Hmm.
Leni Loud: *looks* Hmm. No growth. Works for hiccups. *hiccups*
Lincoln Loud: *rummages in the toolbox and pulls out a jellyfish tied to a stick*
Which he waves in front of Mr. Grunion, then hits him with it to sting him.
Leni Loud: *uses a tape measure* Hmm.
Lincoln Loud: *uses a finger to feel Mr. Grunion's chin* Nope. Still no growth.
Leni Loud: *spins Mr. Grunion around and sticks a plunger to my face, then manages to pull it off; looks at Mr. Grunion's face in disappointment*
Lincoln Loud: *spins Mr. Grunion around* Gah!
Leni Loud: Incoming! *uses a shovel to throw Lana’s mud at Mr. Grunion's face*
Lincoln Loud: *holds a watering can* Soul plus water equals *waters the Lana's mud* growth.
Mr. Grunion: *looks at my beard growing flowers* Hm?
The flowers immediately wilt away after growing, leaving his face bare again.
Mr. Grunion: Oh, what's the use? I knew I couldn't grow a beard. [trudges off] Never could, never can. Never will.
Dark clouds cover the sky as Mr. Grunion leaves the cabin.
Mr. Grunion: *sighs and walks down the porch stairs*
Lana and Lola Loud: *points at Mr. Grunion* There he is! Paul Grunion!
Sandy Cheeks: *waves* Hey there, Mr. Grun-- ion. Aw.
Lincoln Loud: *opens the cabin door, sad*
Bubble Bass: *with drink, points* Look!
The others run to them.
Bubble Bass: Paul Grunion's back!
Harvey: Wait, still no beard. He's useless.
Lincoln Loud: Hey, that is no way to speak to the Beardsma-- Paul Grunion.
Mr. Grunion: It's okay, Lincoln. They're right. *walks up to the porch* The only thing I'm good for is being a doormat. *falls on my back to lie on the front porch*
Patrick Star: *opens the door* Score! Free doormat! *gets on Mr. Grunion, sweeps my feet on him, and walks back inside*
Clyde McBride: Excuse me. Coming through. *walks through Mr. Grunion has a doormat*
Sandy Cheeks: Poor Paul Grunion. He really doesn't believe in himself.
Lincoln Loud: Sandy, that's it! *runs to the watchtower, climbs up the ladder, and uses the microphone* Wait a minute, everyone. Mr. Grunion doesn't believe he can grow a beard. So we'll have to believe for him.
Craig Mammalton: *stops lifting a weight* Craig can believe.
Clyde McBride: Me too.
Lincoln Loud: I need *points at White and Lynn* you to believe!
White Rectangle and Lynn Loud Jr.: We believe!
Lincoln Loud: I need *points at Bubble Bass and Harvey* you to believe!
Bubble Bass and Harvey: We believe!
Lincoln Loud: I need *points to two campers* you to believe!
Anchovy campers: Meep, meep!
Lincoln Loud: But most of all, I need *points at the screen* you to believe!
Screen turns black-and-white as an old-fashioned family watch.
Old-fashioned family: We believe!
Human and fish campers: *holds marshmallows near a campfire* We believe!
Bunny, sea bunny, bear and sea bear: *yells with the caption "We Believe!"*
Preda Tory and Roxie: *at our cabin* We believe!
Kidferatu: *hisses*
Human and Fish Campers: We believe! We believe! We believe!
Mr. Grunion: I.. believe? *gets up* I believe!
A light shines on his face as he laughs while his beard grows back, then claps his beard hands to make the weather sunny again, also creating a rainbow.
Lincoln Loud: Ooh.
Mr. Grunion: You did it, Lincoln. You made me believe! You made--
Lincoln turns around to show he has a beard as well.
Mr. Grunion: Whoa!
Leni Loud: *has a beard* We're sorry we destroyed your beard, Mr. Grunion.
Mr. Grunion: It's okay, Lincoln and Leni. My beard grew back.
Lincoln Loud: Thanks, Mr. Grunion.
Mr. Grunion: And that’s why, you made me believe!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *gasps*
Mr. Grunion: Lincoln and Leni, you both have beards like mine!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: Really?! *hugs Mr. Grunion* Thank you, Mr. Grunion!
Mr. Grunion: Don’t mention it…
Lincoln Loud: Something wrong, Mr. Grunion?
Leni Loud: *with a beard* Lincoln, did you hear that?! Mr. Grunion said we totes have beards!
Lincoln Loud: Yeah we do have beards!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *appears with a beard* I totally have a beard!
Patrick Star: *appears with a beard* I totally have a beard too!
Sandy Cheeks: Guys, *appears with a beard* everyone totally has a beard!
Bubble Bass: *strokes my beard* We are wizards!
They all raise their arms.
Bubble Bass: Huzzah!
Larry the Lobster: *using my beard fist to hit a punching bag on a rope*
Lynn Loud Jr.: *using my beard to lift weights*
Craig Mammalton and Mo from SpongeBob SquarePants: *beard arm wrestling at a table*
Tall Tail: *lowers his giant beard onto the table*
Human boy camper: *chuckles, uses my beard to zip-line, followed by a human girl camper*
Kevin C. Cucumber: *still stuck in the ground upside-down, gets out wearing a beard, growls*
The old-fashioned family is shown with beards, and the world is shown with a beard.
Mr. Grunion: *salutes on top of my boat* I must be off. But, I'll never forget what you did for me today.
Lincoln Loud: Farewell, Beardsman! We love you!
Mr. Grunion: *begins rowing in the sand*
Yellow Rectangle: *waves with my beard along with SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, Red, Pink, Lincoln, Leni and Lana* Goodbye, Mr. Grunion!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star and Sandy Cheeks: Farewell!
Lincoln Loud: Your beard will live on forever in our hearts.
Leni Loud: And on our faces!
Mr. Grunion: *rows into the distance* ♪ Oh, hey! ♪
The camera irises out on the sun.
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