A Cute Asphyxiation/Transcript

This is the transcript for A Cute Asphyxiation, which aired on April 29, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Mmm.
[YAWNS.]
Oh, morning.
Morning.
You son of a bitch.
- You brushed your teeth.
- No, I didn't.
Liar your breath smells fantastic! It's genetic.
I have a recessive mint gene.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, my God.
Deodorant, too? You monster! I just want to be pretty for you.
Is that so wrong? Last night was great.
- Pretty wild.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
The bed started out on the other side of the room.
[LAUGHS.]
So, hey, you want to get lunch later? Sorry, can't.
I have a 1:00 with my oncologist.
How about dinner Wednesday? Uh No.
I've got a renal function panel on Thursday morning.
I have to fast the night before.
How about breakfast after my panel? I'm meeting my nutritionist.
Making adjustments to my diet.
- What about Thursday afternoon? - Nephrologist appointment.
Okay, I'd say Thursday night, - but I have acupuncture.
- Friday? No, I have dialysis Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
And then Maddie all weekend.
How about next week? CAT scan, internist, pedicure.
Not medical, but I'd hate to rip a hole in these nice sheets.
Okay, now we're looking at the week after that.
Which is when I start my next round of chemo.
Cancer.
What a dick.
Renal failure's a real nut crunch, too.
Hey, how about after chemo, I come by and take care of you? [WINCES.]
I don't want you to see me after chemo.
I'll be sweaty and pukey - disgusting.
- Okay.
Well, I will just drink some expired buttermilk and we can be disgusting together.
You do have two bathrooms, right? Drew.
Fine.
Well, I'm wide open 2029.
Hey, me, too.
You know, if we're still alive.
We're alive now.
You probably use that line on all the dying chicks.
You charmer.
Oh, oh - The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive Look at this.
Half off a cruise - around the Amalfi Coast.
- Ah.
Ten days of sun and fun in Italy from the tip of the boot to the top of the knee.
- Ah, this looks amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
I've never been on a cruise that didn't have the word "booze" in front of it.
I used to go with my daughter all the time.
We had so much fun.
You know, before she went to college and realized I ruined her life.
- So what do you say? - About what? The cruise.
Come with me.
My treat.
Norma, no, that's crazy.
What? It's my money and I get to spend it on people I love.
So either you come with me on a cruise or I send a check to Burt Bacharach.
Huh, what do you say? Please? It would mean a lot.
Aw.
It would be amazing.
And I have seen every episode of The Sopranos, so I basically speak Italian.
So is it a yes? All right, yes! Let's go! We can pick up a father and son on the boat.
You get the father.
I like it.
Sock on the doorknob means take another lap around the lido deck.
Hey, you're both here.
I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend? Oh, what the hell.
Adriana, this is Gina, my kidney donor, and Norma, her friend who almost burned down a retirement home and now lives in my guest room.
And we'll all pretend that wasn't an awkward introduction.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too, dear.
I'm glad to see that Drew has found someone.
Proof that there's an ass for every saddle.
Did I mention she lives here rent-free? I'll just go and tidy up in the kitchen.
Ciao, Bella.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: Drew's girlfriend can do better.
[LAUGHING.]
Drew can't stop talking about you.
He walks around with this dopey grin on his face, like a baby with gas.
Like [ADRIANA LAUGHING.]
Mm.
- No, I don't.
- Mm No, that's not how I well, uh, I hope you enjoyed meeting her because you'll never see her again.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what we should do? Double date with me and Eli.
Great.
Our schedule's a bit tight.
So 6:00 a.
m.
at the hospital vending machine sound good? We can move some things around to make it happen.
Hey, um, call me after your blood panel? Only if you tell me about your urine sample.
Oh, my God.
That was so romantic.
What's up, Justin? It's your boy Eli Russell of the Seahawks.
Somebody's becoming a man today.
Mazel tov, bar mitzvah boy! Now go tackle that Torah portion.
And first Cameo video done.
- Easy hundred bucks.
- Yeah.
A few years ago, I was making millions.
Now I'm doing Cameos and autograph signings.
Maybe I should sell some of my football stuff.
What? No.
Why not? I could get some nice cash for my jerseys and helmets.
Even more for my Super Bowl ring.
But you love that ring.
It's the only piece of jewelry that has its own Twitter account.
I got to do something.
Even if I find a buyer for this house, I'll be lucky to break even.
Hey, what if we set this place on fire for the insurance money, and as the words are coming out of my mouth, I can see that it's wrong, unless you think it's a good idea? Let's call that plan B.
All right, what's next? Okay.
Um, this one's for Bob in Wheaton, Illinois.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a big Seahawks fan.
And his wife wants you to wish him a speedy recovery from his testicular torsion.
Hey, Bob, it's Eli Russell of the Seahawks.
I heard your boys are taking a little time-out.
So don't touch down there for a while.
So you really know somebody who can burn down my house? [LAUGHTER.]
I can't believe you two went to high school together.
Did you ever, you know, hook up? I hooked up a lot.
And Drew didn't ever.
That's not true I hooked up the audio-visual equipment.
All right, here you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh! I think you dropped this.
Oh.
Thanks.
What's that? Well, I was gonna wait till later, but since we all saw it and we're wondering what it is, go ahead, open it.
Oh, wow.
It's the shirt from the vintage shop next door.
I loved the Spice Girls, too.
I was all about [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Sporty Spice.
I can see that.
I was all about Baby Spice, but then I matured into Posh.
I tried to hook up with Scary Spice at a party after the Pro Bowl.
- And? - She lived up to her name.
How'd you do this? Oh, well, when I said I went to the bathroom, I actually just went over and got it.
I want you to remember this night.
And that when you tell me what you want What you really, really want I listen.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, it's a very sweet gesture.
Thank you.
I'm gonna run to the restroom.
So if you're expecting me to come back with a gift, it's gonna be a feminine hygiene product.
- I love her.
- I like her.
She's funny.
- My treat.
- No, I got this.
- No, you don't.
- Let it go, Drew.
Good, I was bluffing.
Hey, I'm a little cold.
Would you mind getting my coat from the car? It's the fuzzy pink one.
Mm, I get it you two want to dish on your dates.
I'll leave you to the girl talk.
Thanks, babe, you're the best.
Hate to see you go.
Love to watch you leave.
You have to pay for dinner.
I'll just tell him I'll get it next time.
Which is what I said last time.
He never remembers.
- No, Drew, you have to! - Why? Promise not to say anything to anybody, but Eli's broke.
What? Really? Since when? And why did he tell you before me? I'm his best friend.
I mean, he's never actually said that.
- But does he have to? - I'll tell you more later.
But he didn't trust the right people, and now he's living on his credit cards, and he's gonna sell his Super Bowl ring.
Oh, my God.
That ring means everything to him.
You cannot tell him I told you.
Okay, yes.
Fine.
I wish I'd have known about this before we ordered mozzarella sticks for the table, but whatever.
I got some bad news.
The guy who was financing my one-man show backed out.
What happened, did he see it? I'm sorry.
Uh, with Samantha being out of town, I'm trying to be the sassy one, and it's not working.
He wanted me to put his girlfriend in it, which is a bit hard since it's a one-man show.
Well, if it would help, I could put in a couple hundred dollars.
- Same here.
- I'm good for a grand.
- Seriously? - That's a little generous, isn't it? Hey, if we can't help each other, what are we here for? Yeah, Drew.
Mind your business.
- All right, later, guys.
- JERRY: See you, Eli.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Gideon, you cannot take that money.
Oh, honey, watch me.
- No, I'm serious, you can't.
- Why not? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
You know what, promise you won't say anything, but Eli is having money problems.
Oh, like mo' money, mo' problems.
No.
Mo' like no money, big problems.
[STAMMERS.]
How bad is it? Bad enough that he's talking about selling his Super Bowl ring.
What?! He loves that ring more than anything.
I know because I've literally heard him say, "I love you more than anything, ring.
" How do you know this? He told Gina.
Which is a little hurtful because I am his best friend.
Oh, I hate that he thinks he has to hide this from us.
And me.
Mainly me.
Best friend, so Oh, my God, here it is.
His Super Bowl ring is up for auction.
People are already bidding on it.
Such a shame.
- So sad.
- Yeah.
At least his last thousand dollars will go to something worthwhile.
It was a joke.
Okay, maybe it wasn't.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Well it's your chemo week, so I thought you might want some company to cheer you up.
I told you I didn't want to see anybody, and I didn't want anybody to see me.
Oh, just think of me as your nurse.
Your chemo-sabe, if you will.
- Please stop.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.
You got your jigsaw puzzle, book of jumbles.
- Drew - And I sent you this chemo playlist with great motivational songs.
Stuff like "I Will Survive," "Don't Stop Believing," "I'm Still standing," "Tears in Heaven.
" Oh, I'm so sorry, that should not be in there.
I can't do this right now.
And I brought you some food.
- Don't worry, it's chemo-friendly.
- Oh, God! [ADRIANA RETCHING.]
Oh.
I'm sorry.
You need me to come in there - and hold your hair back? - No! You sure? I don't mind.
That was half my social life in college.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Will you please just go? Come on, I'm just trying to make things easier for you.
If you really want to make things easier, you'll leave! Okay, fine.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, there he is.
- Hey, big guy.
Eli! [LAUGHS.]
Everything all right? - Couldn't be better.
- So good.
Why is everybody smiling? Looks like I'm walking into a scene from Get Out.
[JERRY LAUGHS.]
We got you a little something.
Open it.
My ring? It didn't seem right that someone else should have it.
You've always been so generous with us.
Yeah, we know you're going through a tough time, and we just want to be there for you.
Gina told you, didn't she? Only because she cares about you.
Not as much as me, bestie.
Congratulations, you guys just bought yourselves a Super Bowl ring.
I'll come back this afternoon.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
So how are we doing this, like a month at each of our places? What do you think? I want to look young enough to attract an interesting man, yet old enough to get a seat on the lifeboat.
You look great, but, uh, listen, I've been thinking about the cruise, and I'm not the one you should take.
I can take Eli? Great.
You should take your daughter.
Ah, no, that would be a disaster.
One of us would end up selling the other to Somali pirates.
Or you'd be stuck in the middle of the ocean with no choice but to get drunk and work out your differences.
Come on, I want to have fun on this trip.
Grandma, you only have one daughter.
How many more chances are you gonna get? All right, I'll think about it.
But I'd rather take Eli.
[PHONE CHIMING.]
[GASPS.]
Speak of the devil.
Hey.
I can't believe you told Drew I'm broke.
I didn't Oh, I wasn't [SPUTTERS.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He told the whole dialysis group, and they all pitched in and bought my ring back.
It was embarrassing.
I only told him because you were gonna pick up the check at dinner.
Do you know how hard it was for me to tell you about this? I trusted you.
Well, can we get together and talk about it? No.
I don't want to talk.
I got to go.
[PHONE CHIMING.]
Yeah?! Quick heads-up, I may have spilled the beans about Eli, and he's pretty upset.
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
But you may already know that.
WOMAN [ON TV.]
: It's just so hard when you guys just speak so mean - Hey.
- Hey.
I think I owe you an apology.
[TURNS TV OFF.]
I'm not mad at you.
I mean, I was mad at you, and I'd throw away your toothbrush.
It's seen some things.
Eli's pretty upset, huh? Yeah.
He's not answering any of my calls.
Aw.
Maybe he couldn't pay his phone bill.
Too soon.
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat with Adriana.
I brought her all this stuff to cheer her up after her chemo, and she bit my head off.
Why? It sounds like you were trying to help her.
Yeah, just like how you were trying to help Eli.
Exactly.
You get it.
- Right? - Ugh.
What is up with people? - They're the worst.
- Oh Drew? Is it possible that it's our fault? Oh, it is definitely our fault.
Why do relationships have to be so hard? [SIGHS.]
I have no idea.
- It should just be like you and me.
- Yeah.
I don't have to worry about what I say to you.
- We get along great.
- Yeah.
When you're not microwaving your bra.
It makes my boobs cozy.
You should really let me do your boxers.
Your balls would be so happy.
Yes, they'd like that.
They've had a tough year.
See? This is how it should be.
No drama, no pressure.
Just two people where things are easy.
Exactly.
How come everybody can't be like us? - Guess what! - Oh, Norma.
I just invited my daughter on the cruise, and she said yes.
Good for you.
- I'm so glad you asked her.
- Yeah.
Now we'll spend ten days rehashing all the terrible things I did as a mother.
If I come back without her, don't call Dateline.
Then why are you doing this? Because this one made me see that if a relationship is important, you got to do the work.
I'm very wise.
Thank you, kiddo.
I'm gonna text Adriana, let her know I'm thinking about her, nothing more.
Yeah, I'm gonna text Eli and let him know I'm here whenever he's ready.
Yeah, you should totally do that.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Yeah.
Hey.
Thanks.
For what? For just being you.
You, too.
And seriously, you should throw away your toothbrush.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi.
My God, hey.
You look great.
Not that you looked bad last time.
You just look less bad.
Oof, can I start over? You definitely should.
Oh, my God, hey, you look great.
Period.
Nothing else.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm feeling human again, and this human misses you.
I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
Oh, no, I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you.
I just wanted to pack as much as I could into every moment.
- Why? 'Cause I have the Big C? - Well, if that "C" means "cute," then yes.
It feels like you're commemorating every moment because you don't think I have that many left.
Which might be true.
But don't keep reminding me.
I just want our time together to be special.
It already is.
Okay, so, uh, what do you want to do? - Right now? - Yeah.
I would like to eat some serious junk food and watch any television show where Brits politely tell people [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: their baking sucks.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
"Your bread is underproofed.
" [LAUGHS.]
But I do have some chemo-healthy snacks - that I think would be better - Drew! How does two Hot Pockets and a bag of Cheetos sound? See, now you're listening to me.
Oh, no.
Please don't tell me you're a Postmates driver now.
No, but I did find a gig, and it pays me well enough to buy you dinner.
Whoa.
[GASPS.]
: Meat lovers? Must be some big gig.
Well, maybe, eventually.
I'm starting a podcast called Seahawk Nation with one of my old teammates.
- That's so great.
- Mm-hmm.
I know it's gonna be about sports, but if there's any way that you can throw in some true crime, I will definitely listen.
Are you feeling better? Not yet.
Now I am.
Look, I know you were looking out for me, same as the dialysis crew, so I'm gonna patch things up with them tomorrow.
With or without the kissing? Because I'm pretty sure that Drew's gonna want to smooch a little.
I'll play it by ear.
Gonna thank them for their gesture - and take my ring back.
- Yeah! What are they gonna do with a Super Bowl ring? And that, Amber, is how I caught the pass that won the Super Bowl.
All right.
Oh, hey.
Check this out.
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