Christmas Shopping Nightmares!

Christmas Shopping Nightmares is the 35th episode of CuldeeFell Shortz Season 2.
== Script ==
SYNOPSIS - Join Endless and Izuru as they are too high to give a shit as they read three Christmas stories with morals but not really.
(It starts off as snow is falling and it shows Endless’ apartment complex where we zoom in to take a look at Endless and Izuru sitting on two chairs next to a fireplace relaxed)
Endless: Welcome and thank you all for joining us on our Christmas special.
Izuru: I smoked weed.
Endless: And I drank a bunch of NyQuill.
Endless/Izuru: And we’re high out of our minds.
Izuru: Also I still have my tag on this sweater cause I'm gonna return it after this story.
Endless: Now here are some Christmas stories that are sure to tickle your brains.
Izuru: So what is the first story about?
Endless: Glad you asked Iz, this story is set in the most magical of places.
(It transitions to the Pen Mart where Brooklyn Guy is seen working there)
Brooklyn Guy: Hi welcome to Pen Mart! Thank you for bringing all of your children!
Brooklyn Guy: (Interviewed) My name is Brooklyn T Guy. I’ve been a mall security guard for 1 week, which is enough time for it to eat my soul.
(Jeffy is seen throwing paper balls at Brooklyn)
Brooklyn Guy: Stop it, asshole.
(Brooklyn Guy is seen standing on a stopped escalator)
Brooklyn Guy: Someone help please. The escalator’s broken and someone is robbing the jewelry store!
Brooklyn Guy: I possess the ability to transform from human speed to raptor speed. Watch, this is human speed.
(Brooklyn walks normally)
Brooklyn T Guy: And this is raptor speed.
(Brooklyn starts running laps)
Brooklyn Guy: See, you couldn’t keep up with me.
Susan Smith: Oh yeah that was real fast.
Brooklyn Guy: I know.
(Dave Miller is seen eating a strawberry cake when Brooklyn Guy comes up with a camera)
Brooklyn Guy: Excuse me sir.
Dave Miller: Um. Hi? Why are you filming me?
Brooklyn Guy: I’m filming a crime happening. I couldn’t help but notice you were eating this entire cake by yourself. Do you realize how disgusting you are?
Dave Miller: I do. Now can I eat my feelings in peace please?
Brooklyn Guy: I want to see you eat one strawberry.
Dave Miller: … No.
(Cut to Brooklyn walking around Trash cans)
Brooklyn Guy: It’s important to check the trash cans. Sometimes you can catch racoons doing random shit in there.
(Brooklyn looks into a trash can and sees two raccoons playing go fish)
Raccoon 1: Got any sevens
Raccoon 2: Go fish.
Brooklyn Guy: Found some.
(Brooklyn is seen getting coffee while talking to someone offscreen)
Brooklyn Guy: Morning Terry. Yeah I just found some raccoons in the trash can again.
(Cuts back to the raccoons playing card games when Brooklyn opens up the trash can and douses them with hot coffee)
Raccoons: (SCREAMING IN PAIN)
Brooklyn Guy: GET OUT OF THERE YOU TRASH PANDAS!
(Cut to security room)
Brooklyn Guy: I keep track of everyone in the entire mall using the security system on this laptop. I take my job very seriously and-
Susan Smith: Yeah well your laptop just got stolen.
(Brooklyn looks and sees the laptop is missing)
Brooklyn Guy: Well uh yeah… shit.
(Brooklyn runs off as it cuts back to Endless)
Endless: Uh oh. I hope that young man finds his laptop. What do you think, Izuru? … Izuru. What the hell are you doing?
(Izuru is seen next to the coffee machine)
Izuru: I’m making coffee.
Endless: Dude there's no time for coffee! We are in the middle of our Christmas special!
Izuru: Oh f-ck Christmas! I need my caffeine!
Endless: Fine. Just cut to the next story. This next story is about an interracial couple. But that’s not the only problem. They can’t decide on a christmas tree.
(Tyrone and Judy are seen looking around a christmas tree shop)
Judy: Lighten up Tyrone. It’s the holidays look happy.
Tyrone: Can’t baby I'm texting someone right now.
Judy: Tyrone I swear to god if you're cheating on me again.
Tyrone: Baby come on you know I wouldn’t do that ever again.
Judy: You said that the last 47 times.
Tyrone: Yeah well uh.
Judy: Ooh Tyrone I want that one!
(Judy points towards a christmas tree)
Tyrone: That’s too expensive-
(Judy sucker punches Tyrone)
Judy: Don’t f-cking tell me it’s too expensive! It’s christmas! Look happy!
(Judy and Tyrone grab the tree but Tyrone stops after he gets a call)
Judy: Oh who the hells calling you now.
Tyrone: It’s my uh, Mom. She just got off of surgery.
Judy: Tyrone I can see the name from here. It says “Pizza Hut”.
Tyrone: Uh yeah that's the name of the hospital.
Judy: Tyrone I know when you're lying to me.
Tyrone: Well it’s important okay my mom got off surgery. It's the truth.
Judy: Oh, is “surgery” the code name for the wh-re sucking your d-ck?
(Tyrone hurls the tree at Judy. Tyrone is seen struggling to lift the tree on top of the car)
Judy: Lift that tree like you're straight!
(The two drive off with the tree on top)
Judy: Why did Pizza Hut text you saying she’s pregnant!?
Tyrone: BABE WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LOOKING AT MY PHONE!?
(While they are driving the christmas tree falls off the car and rolls away)
Endless: It sure was silly that their tree fell off. You know what else is silly? Old people. Like in my next story. This senior citizen is just taking his grandson out for christmas shopping.
(Harold Wilfred and Jeffy are seen in Pen Mart)
Harold Wilfred: Alright i’m gonna buy you one thing whatever you want.
Jeffy: How about this?
(Jeffy grabs a bag of peppermints)
Harold Wilfred: No not that.
(Jeffy brings out a nutcracker)
Harold Wilfred: I’m not buying that.
(Jeffy brings out wrapping paper)
Harold Wilfred: NO!
(Harold Wilfred grabs the paper and throws it away)
Harold Wilfred: You can’t have this.
(The paper hits Fatass knocking him out)
Harold Wilfred: What the f-ck do you want wrapping paper for, your f-cking seven.
Jeffy: I’m nineteen.
Harold Wilfred: Oh so now you don’t know how to count. I’m about to sh-t my god damn pamper.
(Jeffy grabs a bag of oreos)
Harold Wilfred: No.
(He brings out a snowglobe)
Harold Wilfred: No.
(Jeffy brings out a doll)
Harold Wilfred: That’s for girls.
(Jeffy brings out a candle)
Harold Wilfred: You want a candle?! Hello no we aint got no f-ggots in my gene pool.
(Harold takes a closer look at the candle)
Harold Wilfred: Oh that’s on clearance? I’m gonna take twelve of these.
(Harold grabs 12 more candles and puts them in his shopping cart. Jeffy brings out a bag of candy)
Harold Wilfred: No! Put that candy back, I'm not buying you that meth!
(Jeffy throws the candy at Harold knocking him to the floor)
Harold Wilfred: OW F-CK! You know you're getting to that age where it’s no longer cute to be fat.
(Harold walks up to the store counter)
Simmons: That’ll be 69 dollars.
(Harold goes to grab his wallet but he doesn’t bring out anything)
Harold Wilfred: Oh f-ck. My wallet’s gone.
Simmons: Uh sir?
Harold Wilfred: WHICH ONE OF YOU HUNGRY JEWS TOOK MY WALLET!?
(Harold is seen looking outside the Pen Mart)
Harold Wilfred: I need to find my god damn wallet!
(Brooklyn Guy races past Harold)
Brooklyn Guy: MOVE MOVE! I NEED TO FIND MY GODDAMN LAPTOP!
(Brooklyn runs back into the building)
Brooklyn Guy: My boss is gonna kill me.
(Brooklyn Guy with a camera goes back to Dave Miller eating his cake)
Brooklyn Guy: Sir.
Dave Miller: Oh my god, what now?
Brooklyn Guy: I have reasons to believe that you stole my laptop.
Dave Miller: I didn’t take your f-cking laptop.
Brooklyn Guy: Is that so?
(Brooklyn Guy brings out a laptop in a box from Dave’s bag)
Brooklyn Guy: Then how do you explain this you gluttonous sh-thead?
Dave Miller: I just bought that for my friend.
Brooklyn Guy: Oh really?
(Brooklyn Guy throws the laptop into the wall breaking it into pieces)
Dave Miller: … Dude… what the f-ck…?
(Brooklyn realizing what he did, runs off. It cuts to him sadly walking out of Pen Mart carrying boxes of his belongings)
Brooklyn Guy: Turns out that laptop was worth a year and a half of my salary. Well, onward and upward I suppose…
(Brooklyn Guy notices Judy and Tyrone driving by)
Judy: YOU ARE SO UNFAITHFUL TYRONE! I should not have left my Asian boyfriend!
Tyrone: Don’t say asian that’s offensive.
Judy: I’M LEAVING NOW!
(Judy starts crawling out the window)
Tyrone: WOAH BABY NO COME BACK!
Judy: I’M LEAVING NOW!
(Judy crawls out the window and looks on top of the car seeing the christmas tree is gone)
Judy: WHAT THE F-CK!?
Tyrone: Wha- what is it?
Judy: A F-CKING TRAVESTY! THE CHRISTMAS TREE IS GONE!
Tyrone: That’s impossible! I tied it tight!
Judy: Well now you're gonna drive us to the mountains, and chop one down YOURSELF!
(Suddenly the car drives into pole getting trashed at the side of the road)
Tyrone: Oh god damn it not now.
(Tyrone walks out the car looking at the damage)
Judy: What the hell is wrong now!? First you cheat on me and now you wreck the car. Why do you hate me?
Tyrone: Babe come on, you know I love you?
Judy: Bullsh-t. You only love me because I wreck your ass.
(Judy angrilly storms off)
Tyrone: Babe come on-
Judy: NO! I AM SUCH A F-CKING PIG RIGHT NOW! TALK TO ME WHEN YOU HATE PIZZA!
(It cuts to Harold walking into his car)
Harold Wilfred: Well that was a bust.
(Harold notices Jeffy crying in the Passenger seat)
Harold Wilfred: Why are you crying? You crying because grandpa lost his wallet?
(Jeffy sadly nods)
Harold Wilfred: Christmas ain't cancelled, mother f-cker.
Jeffy: What do you mean?
(Harold brings out a bag of candy from under his sweater)
Harold Wilfred: Christmas aint cancelled as long as you know how to steal. Merry Christmas, asshole.
(The two eat candy in celebration)
Endless: (VO) You see Izuru. Christmas isn’t about having money.
(Harold then starts choking on a chocolate bar)
Endless: (VO) As long as we’re with who matters most, it’s easy to make do with what you got on hand.
(Tyrone walks over to a sad Judy and leads her over. Judy gets a surprised face as she sees Tyrone made a christmas tree out of sticks and other car parts and the two jump for joy. Cuts back to a sad brooklyn guy walking through the park when he sees Dave Miller still eating his cake who notices him)
Endless: (VO) It’s a day about forgiveness. And setting aside your differences, cause we still got the whole rest of the year to hate each other.
(Brooklyn and Dave are seen eating cake smiling and laughing. It cuts back to Endless and Izuru where they exchange presents)
Endless: Merry Christmas, Izuru!
Izuru: Merry Christmas, Endless!
(Endless opens up Izuru’s gift only to bring out a spiderman onesie)
Endless: Wait this is my spiderman onesie from halloween. I already have this.
Izuru: Yeah well I thought you might want it back.
Endless: “groans” Just open yours.
(Izuru opens his gift with an excited expression only to see a laptop and get disappointed.)
Izuru: What the f-ck is this?
Endless: It’s a used laptop!
Izuru: Used!? You cheap son of a b-tch!
Endless: CHEAP!?
(Endless stands up in anger)
Endless: YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE-
(Raphael is seen recording everything with a studio camera)
Raphael: Uh I think we might need to stop rolling-
Endless: NO YOU KEEP FILMING! YOU TOO, PILGRIM!
(Scott Pilgrim is seen holding up a boom mic)
Scott Pilgrim: Okay, jeez!
Endless: You think i’m CHEAP!? How the hell did you even think I got this laptop!
(Cuts to Endless in Pen Mart stealing Brooklyn Guy’s laptop while he isn’t looking)
Brooklyn Guy: I keep track of everyone in the entire mall using the security system on this laptop. I take my job very seriously and-
Susan Smith: Yeah well your laptop just got stolen.
(Brooklyn looks and sees the laptop is missing)
Brooklyn Guy: Well uh yeah… shit.
Endless: AND ALL THESE DECORATIONS!? HOW DO YOU THINK I COULD AFFORD THEM!?
(Endless is seen sneaking behind Harold, grabbing his wallet and sneaking off)
Simmons: That’ll be 69 dollars.
(Harold goes to grab his wallet but he doesn’t bring out anything)
Harold Wilfred: Oh f-ck. My wallet’s gone.
Endless: And what about that christmas tree we barley paid attention too!?
(Endless is seen with scissors cutting the tie Tyrone made letting the tree fall from the top of their car)
Endless: These were not just Christmas stories… These were the victims who PAID for us to have this CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
(Izuru gets in Endless’ face)
Izuru: YOU'RE JUST A PETTY THIEF!
Endless: Hm. Takes one to know one.
(Izuru shrugs. The two then sit down to drink hot cocoa repeatedly while taking breaths)
Izuru: We’re still stoned, right?
Endless: Pretty much, yeah.
== Trivia ==
* This is first of two Christmas specials. The 2nd one might be released in early 2024.
* This was based off the Brandon Rogers Youtube video of the same name.
== Navigation ==