Cher Lloyd - Want U Back/Transcript

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The following is a transcript of "Cher Lloyd - Want U Back", the eleventh episode of Musical Autopsy, a feature of the comedy web series A Dose of Buckley.
==Transcript==
===Introduction===
This is Musical Autopsy, the feature at A Dose of Buckley where I take the scalpel to an artist or song, cutting right into the vital organs to figure out what was wrong with it.
Today on the cutting table...Cher Lloyd - Want U Back
Song begins.
===The Autopsy===
"Hey, boy you never had much game
Thought I needed to upgrade
So I went and walked away way way
[Grunt!]
Now, I see you've been hanging out
With that other girl in town
Looking like a pair of clowns clowns clowns
[Grunt!]
So, we start out...Cher here broke up with this guy because...he "didn't have much game." That's not at all a shallow or otherwise cunty reason to drop a guy, now, is it? But, she's seeing him with "that other girl in town" - apparently there are only two - and now she's jealous and calling them names.
"Remember all the things that you and I did first?
And now you're doing them with her
Remember all the things that you and I did first?
You got me, got me like this:
[Grunt!]"
"All the things that they did first"? Were they each other's first boyfriend and girlfriend? And even if they were, there's a limited amount of things that people dating can do: have dinner, go see a movie, go to a bar, fuck a lot...so, yeah, there's gonna be some overlap of things they're doing now and things you did with him when you were together.
"And now you're taking her to every restaurant
And everywhere we went, come on!
And now you're taking her to every restaurant
You got me, got me like this:
[Grunt!]"
Well, if he's taking her to every restaurant, I guess they're probably gonna end up at some of the same places. By the way, is this a thing? Once you've dated someone and went to a restaurant, you have to cross it off the list of places you can ever take another date to? That seems incredibly unreasonable. I don't give a shit if my ex-girlfriend goes with another dude to East Side Mario's. They have really good garlic bread. Why should she be deprived of that just because we went there?
"Boy you can say anything you wanna
I don't give a shh, no one else can have ya
I want you back, I want you back
Wa-want you, want you back
[Grunt!]
I broke it off thinking you'd be cryin'
Now I feel like shh looking at you flyin'
I want you back, I want you back
Wa-want you, want you back
[Grunt!]"
Wow, what a fucking bitch. She broke up with him thinking he'd just sit there and cry and never get his life back together, and then says he can't be with anyone else? I mean, hopefully he got tested after being with Cher Lloyd; there's a possibility that for the sake of other humans, he shouldn't be with anyone else, but Cher Lloyd clearly thinks far too highly of herself. If anything, you did him a favor.
"Please, this ain't even jealousy
She ain't got a thing on me
Tryin' to rock them ug-a-ly jeans jeans jeans
[Grunt!]"
It's pretty obvious that this is jealousy, since the first thing that she mentions is some superficial bullshit about her ex's new girlfriend's jeans. Who gives a shit if her jeans are ugly? You know what's not ugly? Her personality, unlike some trashy British reality show-losing skanks we know.
"You clearly didn't think this through
If what I've been told is true
You'll be crawling back like boo hoo hoo
[Grunt!]"
I'm not really sure what this means. Who didn't think what through?! The guy? He didn't think through being broken up with Cher Lloyd, a runner-up to the runner-up to the runner-up on a season of X Factor, and then moving on with his life insted of living a sad, lonely, pathetic existence where the only person he was ever with was Cher Lloyd?? Sounds to me like he did think it through, and he made the right decision!
And by the way, what the fuck is with that grunting? Was she playing tennis while performing this song?!
Clip of tennis player serving a ball appears.
[Grunt!]
Aside from four lines a little later on, the entire song just repeats itself. Seriously, we're about a minute-thirty into the song, there's another two minutes to go, and you've heard everything! What happened to the good old days when a pop song was only two-and-a-half minutes long, so if it sucked, you didn't have to sit through any more of it? This just seems cruel to make someone listen to this for any longer than they absolutely have to!
"Ooohhhh ooh ooooh
I want you back
I want you back
Wa-want you, want you back
[Grunt!]"
You only want what you can't have - like a baby who isn't playing with a toy, then you take that toy away, and the baby cries. That's what you're being here, Cher Lloyd: a fucking baby. Tell your mom to change your shitty diapers, and then move on with your life making more trashy skank anthems for bitchy women who think that every man should bow to them despite the fact that they have nothing to offer beyond the superficial!
This is Musical Autopsy; bag it and tag it.
Sound of zipper plays; video ends.
Category:Transcripts