Job Interview

Job Interview is an episode of Season 1 of I'll Teach You!. In this episode, SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr Krabs all attend an interview to work at the elementary school. It first aired on September 1st 2023 and was written by Primitive Star.
==Characters==
In order of appearance:
Squilliam Fancyson
Mrs Anderson
Mr Butcher
Miss Peterson
Mr Oliver
Mrs Hall
Great-Uncle SquarePants
Vice-Principal Powell
SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward Tentacles
Patrick Star
Mr Krabs
Interviewer
Patrick Jr
==Transcript==
[The episode begins. Principal Fancyson is making an announcement to his employees in the teacher's lounge of Bikini Bottom Elementary School]
Squilliam (AKA Principal Fancyson): OK, announcement to everyone. First off, in the new school year, all students will now study music on Friday afternoons, at 2 p.m. I have hired a music teacher named Mr Leon Frost. Second, we will be building a new fire exit on Corridor C in accordance to changes to fire safety laws. Construction will begin tomorrow at 8 a.m. One final announcement: Due to these small changes, all teachers will receive a small pay cut.
Mrs Anderson: What???
Mr Butcher: Now now, I'm sure it's just a couple hundred dollars off our annual salary.
Squilliam: Annual salaries will now drop from $30,000 to $18,000
Miss Peterson: What?? That's ridiculous! I can't teach with a salary like that! I quit!
Mr Butcher: Me too!
Mr Oliver: Me three!
Mrs Hall: I'll stay, I don't think I can find a new job.
Mrs Anderson: [sigh] I guess I'll stay.
Great-Uncle SquarePants: I'll stay too! Back in my day, you could work a 60-hour week and be paid just a penny a day! They paid us our wages at the end of each day, and the penny was always wrapped in tinfoil and coated in motor oil so we could get back home on our autogyros! Back then, pennies were square, and they had pictures of Freddy D. Roosevelt on 'em! Do you know how much you could buy with a penny back then? Why, back then you could enter a candy shop with a burlap sack and two pennies, and they'd...
Squilliam: Shut up, Mr SquarePants! Oh, great! Now I've got to conduct an interview to get a new kindergarten teacher, third grade teacher and fifth grade teacher!
Vice-Principal Powell: One interview? Shouldn't you conduct three separate interviews for each position?
Squilliam: Oh yeah, like I don't have enough on my mind already! I've already got another separate interview for the cafeteria workers! I'll just conduct one interview and assign a position to the best three people!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr Krabs outside the interviewer's office]
SpongeBob: Wow, what a coincidence! All four of us are applying to become a teacher on the same day!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there's no need for lampshading.
SpongeBob: Well, you're lampshading my lampshading!
Patrick: Well, you're lampshading his lampshading of your lampshading!
SpongeBob: Well, you're lampshading my lampshading of his lampshading of...
Squidward: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?? Anyway, I'm not applying to become a teacher! I'm becoming a cafeteria worker! I can't imagine being with kids all day... 45 minutes a day is about all I can manage,
Interviewer: Will a "Mr. Krabs" please come into the interview?
[Bubble transition to the interview]
Interviewer: As you know, there are five interviewees for a teaching position, and three positions available. I conducted two interviews yesterday and shall conduct three today, then after that I shall conduct interviews for the cafeteria workers.
Mr Krabs: Yes, I know this already! Stop with the exposition!
Interviewer: Why did you decide to become a teacher?
Mr Krabs: Two words. Mon. Ey.
Interviewer: Um, usually we'd expect less brutal honesty from that question.
Mr Krabs: Well, ya ain't gettin' any lies from me! I'm here for one reason and one reason only: The greenbacks.
Interviewer: Being a teacher doesn't even pay that much! Anyway, what would you say your five biggest strengths are?
Mr Krabs: Well, I'm a pretty good businessman!
Interviewer: You're applying to become a teacher.
Mr Krabs: My business skills may help with... um... uh... teaching the kids... umm... [mumbles behind his hand]
Interviewer: What about your other four strengths?
Mr Krabs: I'm great at... decision making!
Interviewer: Didn't you once fire your best employee to save a nickel?
Mr Krabs: Um... I...
Interviewer: The employee that is the reason you make money in the first place?
Mr Krabs: Honestly, I'm not sure what I was thinking either, but I... um... how did you even know that??
Interviewer: And the other three strengths are?
Mr Krabs: Hmm.... I guess they would be... Greed, careful spending with money, and ... um... uh..... juggling.
Interviewer: Greed is not a strength.
Mr Krabs: It is in the world of business.
Interviewer: You're applying to become a teacher. Anyway, anyway... Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Mr Krabs: Who cares? I'm rich now and that's what matters!
Interviewer: [Sigh] Do you ever think about anything other than money?
French Narrator: One interview later
[Mr Krabs walks out of the interview]
SpongeBob: How'd it go Mr Krabs?
Mr Krabs: Pretty damn good if I do say so myself!
SpongeBob: Did I hear you sing an awful song about money 20 minutes ago?
[Beat]
Mr Krabs: ... Like I said, pretty damn good.
Interviewer: Can a "Mr SquarePants" please enter the interview?
[Bubble transition to interview]
Interviewer: So, why'd you choose to become a teacher?
SpongeBob: To spread my wisdom and patience onto a younger generation.
Interviewer: You consider yourself a patient person?
SpongeBob: Oh absolutely. Why, just the other day I...
Patrick Jr: [Walks through door] Hey SpongeBob I just saw a super-rare Yellow Jellyfish!
SpongeBob: OhmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD!!! [Runs out the door]
SpongeBob: [Voice heard in the distance] Hey, this isn't a yellow jellyfish, it's an empty potato chip packet! [Returns to interview] Sorry about that. Now where were we?
Interviewer: You were just saying how you considered yourself to be a patient person.
SpongeBob: Oh yeah. The other day I was waiting for a bus, and I only got bored and walked to my destination after 20 seconds.
Interviewer: What would you say your five biggest strengths are?
SpongeBob: As I said, patience. Um, I consider myself a very persistent person, not liking to give up. And.... I can't think of any others.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
SpongeBob: Working as a teacher. That's... what I'm getting interviewed for.
French Narrator: One interview later
Patrick: [To Squidward] You know, even though I'm the last one to be interviewed to be a teacher, my favourite part of this experience has been hanging out with you guys. Squidward, Mr Krabs...
Interviewer: Can a Mr Star please be interviewed?
Patrick: Ha ha! Yes! Finally! My turn to be interviewed! I can leave this stuffy, dull waiting room! Ha ha!
Interviewer: Take a seat. Why do you wish to apply for a teaching job?
Patrick: That's easy! Because I... um... uh... I don't actually know. I think I was drunk when I applied.
Interviewer: But to apply you had to have a short FaceTime session! You didn't appear drunk at all!
Patrick: Ah. When my blood alcohol goes above 0.15, I stop appearing drunk, but boy do I make dumb decisions. 
Interviewer: ... Moving on. What would you say your top five strengths are?
Patrick: Gee, I have to think of as many as five? Um... I suppose I'm good at doing nothing!
Interviewer: You're applying to be a teacher, not a politician.
Patrick: Do you want to see me do nothing for thirty minutes?
Interviewer: NO
Patrick: Well, here it is anyway! [Freezes in place]
Interviewer: Mr Star, can we please continue with the interview? Mr Star? [Patrick does not respond] Mr Star??
[Cut to Patrick silently sitting there motionlessly]
Interviewer: Mr Star, we must continue the interview! Mr Star! He's not responding: [Yells to his face] MR STAR!!!
[Cut to Patrick silently sitting there motionlessly]
French Narrator: Thirty minutes later
[The interviewer is hitting Patrick with a binder, yet he still is not responding]
Interviewer: Mr Star [hits Patrick] Mr Star [hits Patrick] Mr Star!!!
Patrick: [Suddenly starts speaking and moving] And that was me doing absolutely nothing for thirty minutes!
Interviewer: Woah!!! [Suddenly swerves to miss Patrick, and ends up hitting himself with his own binder] Ow!!!
Patrick: I recently broke the world record by doing nothing for 63 hours! They had to hook up an IV to my arm before I began so I could eat and drink! Do you wanna see me do nothing for two hours?
Interviewer: NO!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!!!
Patrick: OK bye. [walks out the door] I think I did pretty well!
Interviewer: That's it for the teacher's interviews. I shall now conduct the interviews for the cafeteria workers. Can a Mr Testicles please be interviewed?
Squidward: THAT'S TENTACLES!!!
Interviewer: I'm sorry, Mr Tacticals.
Squidward: Not Tacticals, Tentacles!
Interviewer: May I simply call you Mr T?
Squidward: You may not! It isn't a difficult name to pronounce. Repeat after me. Ten
Interviewer: Ten
Squidward: Ta
Interviewer: Ta
Squidward: Cles.
Interviewer: Cles
Squidward: Tentacles.
Interviewer: Torpedoes.
Squidward: NO!!!! TENTACLES!!!! I... you know what, forget it, lets just do the damn interview.
[They enter the interview. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr Krabs are all still in the waiting room]
SpongeBob: So how'd you all think you did?
Patrick: Great! Though I wish I'd brought the trophy I won for doing nothing.
Mr Krabs: Maybe I shouldn't have talked about money so much. I'm not so sure he was listening during my story about how I got my first nickel.
SpongeBob: And I wish I hadn't gotten distracted so many times. I hope we all get the job.
French Narrator: One interview later
Interviewer: Congratulations, Mr Terrible. That was an excellent interview.
Squidward: Thanks!
Interviewer: Anyway, I have decided on who got the teaching jobs. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, all three of you were terrible.
Patrick: Oh no!
SpongeBob: That's not good.
Mr Krabs: Crap.
Interviewer: The good news is, the two interviews I conducted yesterday were even worse. One of them set fire to my desk, threw the chair out the window, tried to strangle me with my own tie, and lied on his resume. The other was two kids in a long coat. It practically pains me to say this but: Congratulations, you three all got the job! Mr Star, you'll teach kindergarten.
Patrick: Kindergarten? No! I was hoping for third grade!
Interviewer: Mr SquarePants, You'll teach third grade. Mr Krabs, fifth grade.
SpongeBob: We all got in! Yes!
Patrick: We need a theme tune to celebrate!
Squidward: No we don't!
SpongeBob: A one, a two, a skiddly-diddly-doo:
[The song starts, to the tune of the Phineas and Ferb song Doof 101]
Patrick: I'm Patrick and I'm gonna teach you the answer to 2+2
Mr Krabs: I'm Krabs and I will teach you what happened in 1492
SpongeBob: I'm SpongeBob and I will teach you what's an adjective and a verb
Squidward: Hey wait! This is just a rip-off of a song from Phineas and Ferb!
[Everyone stares at Squidward]
Patrick: Oh great! If you hadn't said anything, no-one would've noticed!
[Beat]
SpongeBob, Patrick and Krabs: Sponge 101! Sponge Sponge Sponge 101, Sponge Sponge Sponge...
Patrick: Oh were going to have a ball, all the things I'm gonna show you!
Mr Krabs: And this all takes place in fall, so don't let the timeline throw you!
Squidward: Oh come on, now you're just directly recycling the lyrics!
SpongeBob: There's teacher work to be done!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Krabs: Sponge 101!
[Song ends]
Squidward: I'll be surprised if we don't get sued by Disney for that.
SpongeBob: Oh lighten up Squidward! If you get the job, all four of us will be working at the same school... which will be awesome!
Squidward: [Sarcastic] Yeah... awesome...
[Episode ends]