Principal Charming/Quotes

:Homer: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: (counts on his fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
:Marge: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week?
:Homer: Marge, I'm only human!
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:Lisa: Aunt Selma?
:Selma: [grunts]
:Lisa: Do you think you'll ever get married?
:Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
:Lisa: No.
:Selma: [grunts]
:Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an 8-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
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:Homer: Which one's Selma again?
:Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
:Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
:Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
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:Principal Skinner: Oh sweet lord it is! (Livid) SIMPSOOON!
:Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
:Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
:Principal Skinner: (angrily) THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!
:Bart: Uh-oh.
:Principal Skinner: The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty Board of Education out of retirement. (sighs) Call your father immediately!
:Bart: (dials the number) Hello, is Homer there?
:Moe: Homer who?
:Bart: Homer...Sexual.
:Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Ah, come on, come on! One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
:Homer: (laughing with the other bar patrons) Don’t look at me! (laughs again)
:Moe: (angrily) Oh, no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
:Principal Skinner: (angrily) You’ll do what, young man?!
:Moe: (confused) What? What? Wait, who is this?
:Principal Skinner: (angrily) I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
:Moe: (horrified) Whoa!! Whoa!! Sorry, Principal Skinner! Sorry! It’s a bad connection, I think. (gives the phone to Homer) Gah, it’s for you. I think Bart’s in trouble again.
:Homer: (embarrassed) D’oh! (Cut to him in the principal's office) What's he done now?
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:Bart: [grumbling while re-sodding the field, one seed at a time] Oh, stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me... [stops as he meets Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner]
:Groundskeeper Willie: [debut lines] Save yer strength, lad. Heh. There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet. [leaves chuckling]
:Bart: D'oh!
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:Principal Skinner: [to Patty] So, see me again tomorrow?
:Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
:Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
:Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
:Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
:Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
:Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
:Patty: Hi-ya!
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:Principal Skinner: [to Bart] I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
:Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.
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:Selma: [to Bart] What did you learn in school today?
:Bart: Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
:Selma: [after a moment of silence] Hmm. Thanks, kid. You made my day.
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:Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
:Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
:Barney: (sees a full pitcher of beer) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
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:Principal Skinner: Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!