Call of Dirty

Call of Dirty is the sixteenth episode of Total Drama: Resurrection. It is the final pre-merge episode of the season.
== Synopsis ==
The final twelve contestants endure Chef Hatchet's brutal boot camp in wave after torturous wave.
== Script ==
=== Intro - Recap ===
Setting: Pahkitew Island, the Docks, nighttime
Chris:
Previously on Total Drama: Resurrection… 
Blaineley:
Topher had a major freak out after Alejandro made comments about his appearance and his overly attentive grooming regimen, something Alejandro was quick to take note of while reminding him of his place in the competition.
Chris:
Sadie confided in Samey exactly how Eva’s mysterious elimination unfolded, in an attempt to force the quiet twin to make a final decision between her and her sister. Samey struggled, instead, to try to find balance between the two, however her conscience kept her from ultimately hiding Sadie’s secret, blabbing to Amy as soon as they were alone.
Blaineley:
Lindsay and Tyler decided that their relationship is better when it’s just the two of them, ending their open marriage after she became jealous of the attention Tyler had been getting around the island. Sad, the kid is quite fine.
Chris:
Heather flexed her intellectual muscles as she convinced Scott to make an exact replica of my immunity statue in a deal and then pass it off onto Alejandro, convincing him of it’s false authenticity and concocted a story about using it to eliminate her enemy, Shawn.
Blaineley:
The two teams were hopeful for the merge, however we broke it to them that it is yet to come and decided to lift their spirits in a reward challenge of capture the flag to celebrate Eva’s elimination bringing the game to the halfway point.
Chris:
Courtney, Dave, and Shawn all worked hard to try and get their ideas heard with each other, ending up talking over each other constantly. Dave’s luck annoyed Courtney as he managed to pull the flag away from a slumbering Sadie.
Blaineley:
In the end, Shawn clenched an eleventh hour victory for the Vicious Vipers as he managed to snatch the flag away from Samey right at the last second possible. In his victory, he earned the Vipers a shopping spree at the mall and a stay in a hotel, which he and Dave decided to give up their spots to a Lindsay in despair and as a thank you to Tyler.
Chris:
Will Dave manage to step up and prove to everyone else that he can be powerful in challenges?
Will Amy enact a plan of revenge on Sadie for eliminating her biggest ally?
Blaineley:
Will the clock finally strike midnight for Courtney?
Will Alejandro discover the truth of the idol Heather gave him?
Chris:
Who cares? We’ve been nominated for a Gemmy Award! Blaineley and I have been nominated for Best Hosts in the live competition category! As for today, we leave Chef in charge! I have faith that he will whip the twelve remaining campers into shape. Ciao!
Chris and Blaineley are seen entering a limo that inexplicably drives away off the dock of shame and over the water as the camera cuts to Chef alone at the campsite.
Chef:
I’m in charge now. We do things my way. Time to pick the maggots off and crush their spirits one by one until there’s nothing left but a pile of disintegrated bone. My name is Chef Hatchet and this is TOTAL!
DRAMA!
RESURRECTION!
The theme song plays
=== Act One - The Cabins ===
Setting: Pahkitew Island, outside of the Raccoon’s cabin, morning
Another morning on Pahkitew Island. Amy, Sadie, and Samey stand outside of the girls' side of the cabin. Amy and Sadie look furious for having missed out on the reward challenge of a shopping spree at the nearest mall and a stay at a five star hotel for the night. Samey looks guilty for having been the last member of the Raccoons holding the flag, losing it to Shawn right at the very last second, losing the challenge for the team. They are soon joined by Dave and Shawn, who emerged from the guy’s side of the Viper cabin, having opted out of the reward and let Lindsay and Tyler go in their place. Shawn is already fully dressed in his normal attire while Dave is still wearing his dark blue pajamas with yellow duck prints on them and carrying his brown stuffed teddy bear. His hair is messy and his clothing is wrinkled, unusual for him to look so unkempt.
Samey (guilty):
Sorry guys, I really tried. 
Amy (angrily grumbling):
We could’ve won if somebody didn’t fall asleep.
Sadie (deflecting):
Let’s see how you perform without getting any sleep! You’ve been sleepwalking through the entire game!
Amy (fuming, her temper running short):
You fell asleep during the challenge!
Samey (pleading):
Guys, please stop fighting! It isn’t going to solve anything!
Dave (annoyed):
The challenge is over, let’s just get over it!
Shawn (indifferent):
It’s in the past. What good is it to fight over what cannot be changed?
Amy (irritated):
Because we could have won and actually got a break!
Dave (mockingly, a bit maliciously):
Well, too bad. We won, haha. 
Amy:
“We” didn’t win. Shawn won for you, and you two gave up the prize like clowns to sit here all messy and filthy to annoy us.
Dave (biting back):
For the record, you lipless balding Boston bartender, we were woken up and told to sit over here. Something is supposed to happen.
Amy (venomous):
Listen you little degenerate ball of repugnant slime, if you think you’re going to sit there and insult me with your raggedy bear and children’s pajamas, you’ve got another thing coming!
Samey (interrupting, hoping to resolve the tension):
Wait, you were woken up, too? 
Shawn (relieved at the change in conversational tone):
Yeah, an intern came into the cabin and said that they had to wake us up and that we had to come sit over here. 
Samey:
That lines up. I wonder why they wanted us to get up so early.
Dave (cranky):
Probably to make us watch as everyone else comes back from having a good time.
Amy (equally as crabby):
Well, then why didn’t you go instead of staying here and annoying us?
Shawn (trying to maintain peace):
Ignore him, he’s always cranky when he has to get up early.
Samey (with no malice):
Yeah, Amy’s the same way.
Sadie (sliding in):
She’s a monster every second of the day.
Amy (threatening):
Do you want to see monster? I’ll show you monster!
Samey (trying to stop them):
Guys!
Before Amy and Sadie can begin fighting, a young female intern runs towards the cabin to deliver a message to them.
Intern:
Attention contestants. I have a message to bring to you from the host.
Dave (still angry at being awake):
Well come on, out with it!
Intern:
I’m to bring you all to the dock of shame where you will discover more about today’s activities and events. It says “immediately” in all caps and underlined. Let’s go.
The camera cuts to a confessional block.
Dave (in his pajamas, cuddling his teddy bear):
Amy has a lot of nerve to talk about my Beary, doesn’t she?
Samey (trying to come up with strategy):
Dave and Shawn would make really great allies once the merge would come. Maybe I could align with them and somehow get Amy and Sadie to make nice and we can sweep our way to the final five. Although I don’t know how we’d go on from there. I’d hate to crush any of my friend’s or my sister’s chances to get two million dollars. I guess we’d have to play by ear.
Shawn (also trying to form strategies):
So when I captured the flag from Samey in the challenge, I overheard her admitting to Amy that she knew Sadie rigged the votes against Eva to eliminate her. With the merge no doubt resting on the horizon, I’m going to have to branch my gameplay out and make more allies. I have no doubt that Amy is going to get Sadie eliminated as soon as possible for tossing Eva out like a day old eclair, so it stands to reason that I need to get onto her good side and work from there. If I can pull that off, then I can sneak in and power through until the end with Courtney and Dave. Samey is a great friend, but she makes a terrible game ally because her conscience always leads her to reveal secrets she knows. Amy is a strong physical ally, but she’s far too hotheaded to think strategically. Heather and Alejandro are fantastic players all around, but they can’t be trusted being so underhanded. In short, my ideal final two preferences are Courtney, then Tyler, then Amy, followed by Samey, Lindsay, Scott, then Dave. Basically I’d be fine with anyone other than Heather, Alejandro, or Topher. I’ve got this season in the bag. I’ve got it made.
Amy (angry and disgusted):
I’ve had just about all I can take from these horrid people. Samey keeps trying too hard to keep peace, Sadie is going to find her bed burnt down to ashes for rigging Eva out, Tyler keeps babbling on and on about his lifting training. If I hear about it one more time, I’m going to snap his spine in half like a pencil in a detention center. Shawn needs to take a freaking shower and clean his pores. Scott needs to decide on one personality before I split him into two. If that little clean freakazoid Dave thinks of raising his voice to me and shakes his freaking boney finger in my face again, I’m going to bite it off and ram it where the lysol won’t spray… I need my morning coffee.
The camera cuts to static and then to the five on the dock of shame. The five are now fully dressed, Amy and Samey having their hair tied up into matching red scrunchies and Dave now in his normal clothes and his hair brushed. Amy and Sadie still look angry. Amy takes a sip from a coffee mug she has inexplicably explained as the female intern began to speak.
Intern (reading from index cards):
Welcome to the dock of shame, maggots. You have been… brought here to watch… as the victors return from their… relaxing reward.
The intern is then interrupted by the sound of a loud boat horn honking as Chef is driving a yacht, bringing Alejandro, Courtney, Heather, Scott, Topher, Lindsay, and Tyler back to the island from their mall shopping spree and five-star hotel stay from the night before. Lindsay and Topher leap off the boat giddily with no boxes and share a hug as Tyler carries a large amount of bags and boxes, covering his face completely. Courtney, stepping off the boat, stands next to Shawn, looking irritated and Alejandro takes Heather’s hand and helps her off the boat before walking off himself.
Topher (gleefully malicious):
Hello losers. How was your stay in the cabins?
Amy (already annoyed):
Don’t start with us, you oaf with an eating disorder. You only got to go on that reward trip because you were lucky enough to end up on a team full of people that carry you and your dead weight around.
Topher (mockingly):
Why so bitter, Amy? Because I got to spend the night with my man and you didn’t?
Amy (blunt):
No, this is why.
Tilting her coffee cup in her hand, Amy tossed the brown liquid onto Topher’s face, soaking his face, hair, and shirt.
Topher (screaming and whining):
Hey! Watch the hair!
Alejandro (covering his mouth to Topher to whisper to Amy):
Thank you.
Dave (taking note of Courtney’s attitude):
What are you upset about Courtney? I figured you’d love the mall.
Courtney (annoyed):
The mall itself was… fine, if not a bit limited for someone of my refined tastes. 
Shawn (confused):
So what are you so upset about? You didn’t have a great time?
Courtney (pointing to Lindsay and Tyler):
How could I? I had to share a hotel room with those two!
Tyler (a bit out of breath):
Hey babe, Toph… can we go set this stuff down somewhere?
Samey (a bit concerned):
All of those boxes and bags belong to those two? And you’re carrying… all of them?
Tyler (proudly):
Anything to keep my baby and bro happy. Also, not all of them. One of these shoe boxes is for me. I got myself a nice new pair of shoes.
Samey (looking at him with pity):
Just a pair of shoes?
Tyler (happy):
Yeah! They have flames on them! They’re, like, so cool!
Chef (stepping off the boat):
Alright lowly little maggots, listen up! Get dressed and ready for breakfast! You will commence eating in exactly one hundred minutes! At 0400 hours, we will begin our challenge! Move!
The camera cuts to inside of the girls side of the Raccoon cabin. Tyler emerges through the door and places a large amount of boxes on Lindsay’s bunk bed as the others had already finished getting dressed. The camera then pans past Amy putting her hair up into a high ponytail to Sadie and Samey sitting on Sadie’s bunk bed. The two are whispering to discuss strategy without getting caught by Amy.
Sadie (whispering):
Does she suspect anything?
Samey (also whispering, lying):
No, she doesn’t know, at least I don’t think. I didn’t tell her.
Sadie:
Great. Now all we need to do is throw whatever challenge is coming today and we can finally vote her off. Once we do that, we have a clear path to the final three!
Samey (confused):
Final three? Who did you want to bring with us? Topher?
Sadie (unknowingly outing herself):
Well, Heather, of course. She’s the one that’s been my other best friend and encouraged me to make strong moves to prove that I’m a good competitor! It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t all get to the final three together when you’re both my best friends. You both mean so much to me, especially since I don’t have Katie here to keep me grounded. Topher is pretty okay, but you can’t trust him with secrets. Our alliance with him needs to end as soon as we get rid of Amy and get him eliminated.
Samey:
I don’t see why we need to turn on Topher, he hasn’t done anything to hurt us. 
Sadie (with a sense of finality):
He offered us the alliance with a threat of exposing us for cheating out Eva. If we get Amy out, he no longer has any power over us, and then he gets flung out shortly after.
Samey (something clicking in her head):
Ah. Well, I haven’t really interacted with Heather, but if it means that much to you, I suppose it’s something worth aiming for. 
Sadie (with a firm nod):
Well, then we have our plan. Take out Amy, afterwards the merge has to be close. Then we just need to take out Topher, Courtney, Scott, Shawn, Dave, Alejandro, Tyler, and then Lindsay. Then it’s me, you, and Heather in the best finale the show has ever seen!
Samey gives Sadie a friendly smile and a nod. She then appears in the confessional, putting all the puzzle pieces together.
Samey:
So Sadie is going to try to throw the challenge again to get Amy out, and then she’s going to gun for Topher right after…after befriending Heather. It’s no secret that Heather and Amy hate each other, plus Topher is dating Heather’s on-and-off boyfriend, and Sadie wants them both out. Aha! It all makes sense! Heather saw that Sadie was desperate to have a good showing this time around and that Amy was much crueler than she needed to be about it, which drove Sadie to act tougher around her to try and prove herself. From there, Heather saw that drive and determination and was able to manipulate Sadie into trying to hide her sweetness and try to be edgier to make risky moves that would benefit Heather’s gameplay while putting the target on Sadie for doing her dirty work, knowing that Sadie is too loyal to throw her under the bus! That’s why Sadie wants to get rid of Amy so bad! Heather wants to get rid of her because Amy is able to rise above the expectations everyone set on her, so she’s manipulating Sadie to do whatever she can to get her out without getting blood on her hands! She’s using Sadie to do all her dirty work so in case of a jury vote, she would be able to claim that she has changed and grown as a person and didn’t harm anyone directly! I have to warn Amy and let her get the chance to defend herself!
The camera cuts to static and then to the male side of Viper cabin. Topher is spraying some sort of mist onto his face as he looks into a large vanity mirror as a confused Dave stares at him, looking around at his tool boxes and suitcases full of tubes and pumps and assorted other things while Shawn tied his hair up into a bun then put a shirt on and Alejandro was putting his boots on. Scott is nowhere to be found.
Topher:
Just a little light mist to last the whole day.
Dave (confused):
Just what are you doing?
Topher:
Applying my moisturizing mist. It keeps my skin looking as soft and glowy as a newborn baby.
Dave:
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that, or why you’d want to look youthful forever. Why not age with dignity? Is any of this stuff even necessary?
Topher (not even looking at him):
That’s why your pores are so huge they can be seen from the moon. You need to take care of your skin or else you look as wrinkled and withered as Chris does when he forgets his botox injections. Is that something you’d really want for yourself?
Dave (deep in thought):
I don’t think Chris looks bad for his age. Sure, he doesn’t look twenty years old anymore, but it’s not bad. When I get old, I’d prefer to look the way nature intended.
Topher (not willing to take another point of view):
Well, when you’re a wrinkled old prune in a wheelchair, I’ll still look like I do now. I’ll be hot forever. When you are beautiful, you need to stay beautiful.
Alejandro (complimenting his “boyfriend”):
And you’ll be drop dead gorgeous forever, mi amor.
Topher (blushing and babbling a bit):
Aha… you… I love when you speak Italian to me. 
Dave:
But surely the additional work put in to look younger as you age wouldn’t be worth the time, money, and especially the effort since you’ll still get old.
Topher: 
I’m at peace with that as long as I’ll still look the same as I do now. Now time to do my foundation and contour.
Shawn:
Nobody will look the same forever, Topher. Whether you like it or not, you are going to age. You’re going to wrinkle. You’re going to sag. It’s a fact of life. No matter how often and how vigorous you are in trying to fight it, it’s inevitable.
Topher (using cream foundation sticks on his face then blending):
I don’t know what those big words mean, but I simply refuse to let age ruin me and my beauty. Just because you are old doesn’t mean you need to look it. Eyeshadow time! Today I’m feeling… something purple.
Topher opens up another suitcase full of expensive-looking eyeshadow palettes, rummaging through them to find one he wants. Dave stands by looking bewildered.
Dave:
Good lord, he’s got more colors than Sherwin-Williams Paints.
Topher (nonchalantly):
Different shades for different moods and feelings.
Dave (rolling his eyes):
Well this is going nowhere. It’s about time for breakfast to start. I’m heading out.
Shawn (putting his hand on Dave’s shoulder):
I’ll head out with you, Dave. We can go together.
Dave blushes a bit from Shawn’s touch as the two leave together. The camera then cuts to the mess hall as all twelve remaining contestants stood in line with their styrofoam trays waiting for Chef to serve them their breakfast. Everybody except for Scott, Shawn, and Tyler look disgusted as some sort of grey blob is dropped onto their trays.
Amy (grossed out):
What is this? Overcooked oatmeal?
Chef (with a snicker):
You wish.
Courtney (gagging):
Can this even be considered food?
Chef (with angry grunting):
In about seven exotic countries, yes.
Courtney:
What about due process of law? It’s our legal right to know what garbage you’re feeding us!
Chef (malicious):
Due process is a bullet around here, soldier!
Courtney (a bit startled):
Duly noted. 
Topher (annoyed):
Move along, bottle brunette. Step out of the way or get stepped over.
Courtney (irritated, but remaining polite):
You can’t seriously want to eat this trash.
Topher (simply):
No, but as soon as we get through this crap, we get to the challenge. When we get to the challenge, I get to be a star and be the focus of the camera and the fans alike. Then if we win the challenge, it sets me up to get to the merge. If we lose, you get eliminated. Either way it’s a win for me and the fans because I’ll be staying here to give them more of the Topher Experience. Live, raw, and unfiltered.
Courtney (with a shrug):
I tried to be nice. Oh well. If you’re going to give them the full “Topher Experience,” I hope a health screening comes before and after.
Topher (offended):
Hey!
Scott (shoving them both aside):
Move it! Papa’s hungry!
Amy (revolted):
Sorry it’s not the venison stew you’re used to.
Scott (with a flirty wink):
Hey, I can adapt to the higher class.
Amy (rolling her eyes then walks away):
Get bent.
A confused Scott watched a disgusted Amy walk away as he scratched his head. He then proceeds to join his team at the cafeteria table, sitting at the end beside Courtney. She turned to say something to him before she was cut off by Chef dressed in military camo attire blowing a whistle, interrupting their breakfast.
Heather (covering her ears):
Oh god, we get it! 
Samey:
Make it stop!
Chef (commanding):
Rise up, soldiers! This isn’t the chair force!
Amy (groaning):
Oh what fresh hell is this?
Chef:
That’s enough lip out of you, ice queen! Get your boots on the ground and head to the forest clearing now!
Dave (shaking, afraid):
I don’t like the sound of this.
Shawn (not concerned):
How bad could it possibly be?
Chef (yelling):
Move it, pantywaists! On the double! 
=== Act Two - The Challenge ===
Setting: Pahkitew Island, the forest clearing, morning
As Chef barked orders at the remaining twelve campers, the camera cut to deep within the forest clearing. The clearing was now jam-packed full of different portions of deadly obstacle courses and army and military training courses. The contestants all groaned as they put two and two together. Chef is sitting in a massive wooden chair on a podium, looking down on the contestants. On the podium next to him is a large golden bell with “Bell of Shame” crudely painted onto it by an intern with a can of purple spray paint.
Chef (with grandiosity):
Welcome to hell! Chris and the old crow are off at some froufrou award show, so I’m in charge of today’s challenge. I’m going to break your spirit faster than your spines!
Chef gives a wicked laugh as a freaked out Dave panics.
Dave (about to bolt off):
I gotta get out of here! I have to hide!
Chef (threateningly):
If you even think of running off, I’ll find you faster than Garfield finds lasagna, headcase!
Dave (meekly):
…I’ll be good.
Chef (explaining):
For today’s challenge, I’m gonna tear you up like a kleenex at a snot party! You’ll endure the most intense, spirit breaking, gut wrenching physical challenge of your lives! You’re going to suffer through full and complete army training in a series of more and more difficult, grueling challenges that will make you beg and plead for the sweet release of death! 
Samey (curious):
So how do we win?
Chef (with another wicked laugh):
Win? Oh no, there is no winning here. This is war training! The winner is who has suffered and endured the most painful torture I could possibly thow at you! Of course, you can always feel free to tap out like a coward at any time by coming up here and ringing the Bell of Shame in front of everybody around you. You can be a yellow-bellied coward for everyone to see right in front of your angry teammates!
As soon as he finished speaking, the camera cut to a close-up of the bell being rung. The camera then pans out to reveal a smirking Topher ringing the bell to tap out already, then to the sea of angry faces staring at him.
Topher (proudly):
Yeah, I’m not doing this. I just got a manicure and my hair done, plus my makeup is, like, really hot today. So, yeah. I’m totally not doing this.
Alejandro (angry):
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Chef (genuinely shocked someone chose to tap out already):
Sweet granola grain, son! That challenge didn’t even start yet and you’re already tapping out? With only one life to lose, you choose this hill to die on?
Topher (with an uncaring shrug):
It costs a lot of money to look this good for the cameras. I’m not ruining this gorgeousness!
Chef:
This ain’t no dog and pony show, freakazoid! This is war!
Topher (smugly):
And I’ve opted out.
Chef (rolling his eyes):
May god have mercy on your soul if you’re up for elimination tonight, maggot. Sit down!
Topher (with a strong sense of pride, sitting down on the platform):
I’ll take my chances.
Courtney (furious):
You tap out before the challenge even starts?! You better pray for a miracle today or you’re going home faster than you can be on your back!
Chef:
Now for the rest of you, your first challenge is the vertical climb! For an act of mercy, only one of you from each team will do the vertical climb up the twenty foot wooden wall. For a little teaser of what’s to come, I’d suggest sending your physically strongest member with the heaviest base. You’ll need the support.
He gives a slight malicious chuckle as the camera pans to the Vicious Vipers as they try to determine which member will do the vertical climb.
Alejandro (almost valiantly):
As the most physically fit male on the team, I will take on the task of enduring this first round. No need to thank and adore me.
Courtney (shutting down his ego):
Thank you and adore you for participating in a challenge of a show you signed up for? Has your dunce supposed-“boyfriend’s” praise gotten to your head?
Dave (meekly, but getting his point of view in):
A-and also being the physically strongest means nothing when Chef suggested that there’s going to be another part of this first round.
Heather (snide):
So just what do you have in mind, weakling?
Dave (rolling his eyes):
Shawn is the most physically fit with the highest endurance of everybody left here. It makes the most sense to use Shawn for this round because he’s strong enough to withstand everything getting thrown at him!
Shawn (humbly):
While I do possess strong endurance levels of both physical, mental, and emotional strength, and while I do appreciate the praise, Dave, I’m not the only strong one here. Scott is a proven feat of strength himself. 
Scott (winking at Amy as he tries to flirt):
It’s true. I’ve been known to lift and carry a hog with no struggles.
Amy (angry and offended):
Die.
Heather (snappy):
Well isn’t this peachy? We have three volunteers, now let's pick one and get a move on!
Dave (smugly to annoy Heather):
Well, I vote for Shawn.
Courtney:
Two for Shawn.
Shawn (simply with a shrug):
I guess I’ll do it.
Heather groans and rolls her eyes and the camera then pans to the Ravenous Raccoons as they try to select their member for the vertical climb. Amy and Sadie are in each other's faces, yelling while the other three members of the team keep turning to look back and forth at the one who is doing the yelling.
Amy (yelling):
It should be you going up there, Sadie!
Sadie (screaming back):
Why should I? You want to win everything? You do this one!
Amy:
You keep complaining about how you’re overlooked and the second I give you something to your credit, you get angry about it and throw a tantrum? You are off your rocker!
Sadie:
You believe you’re above all of us, so you go do it!
Samey (raising her voice):
Guys! This isn’t solving anything! We need to quit fighting and come together for once so we can survive this challenge and not have to vote off another member!
Amy (lowering her voice, but passive aggressive):
You’re right, sis. However, some people just refuse to be team players.
Sadie (still yelling):
I’m not a team player? I’m not a team player?! This isn’t Team Amy! We have to work together! Not one crazy loon on a power trip making all the decisions!
Amy (turning away from Sadie to face the other three):
Fine. Let’s open it to a group vote. Who thinks Sadie, with a much sturdier base should do this part of the challenge because her strength will come in hand for part two, or that I should do it at the size of a toothpick?
Sadie (whining):
You’re misrepresenting yourself to get out of participating and be lazy!
Samey (trying to find a compromise):
Sadie, I think you should do it. You’ve been looking for a chance to prove yourself to be a strong competitor in challenges, and Amy is giving you the perfect chance out of the kindness of her heart. I really think you should take it.
Sadie (conceding):
She has no kindness in her heart, but I’ll take it… for you.
The camera cuts to static and then to another confessional block.
Amy:
I’m glad Samey is here to put a kind spin on it because honestly I just picked her because I’m expecting some kind of team effort climbing challenge after we send the first member up and Sadie is the most bottom heavy, so we’ll be secure.
Sadie:
I wanted Amy to climb because then I could laugh at her failing. Samey is right, though, this is my one chance to prove that I am a serious threat and that I shouldn’t be counted out! I’ll just need to try and sabotage Amy somewhere else… hm. I’ll talk with Heather about it.
Samey:
Boy, I managed to broker peace between Amy and Sadie, albeit having to appeal to Sadie’s insecurities. I think this could really be the start of something really beautiful!
The camera cuts to static and then to Sadie and Shawn standing in front of the tall wooden wall. There were a few small holes and crevices in the otherwise flat wall, indicating that they’ll be using them to navigate their way up the wall.
Sadie (concerned):
This better not mess up my nails. Katie worked really hard on this set!
Shawn:
I’m assuming this is military approved, right?
Chef (with a shrug):
Something like that. Now as for the two of you victims climbing the wall, once you reach the top, you must reach over the other side, grab the rope, flip it to the front of the wall, cut it free, tie it to the notches at the top, and then throw it down to get the rest of your teammates to climb up for the next portion of the challenge! Go!
Sadie (not moving):
Hey, wait! What are we supposed to cut them down with?
Shawn (handing her a knife from his pocket):
A good survivalist always brings a spare pocket knife. Here. I think Duncan left this one behind. You can use it for this. I have my own.
Chef:
Enough comradery! Go!
Both Sadie and Shawn advanced to the wall, then both proceeded to begin their attempts at scaling up the wall. Their approaches were quite different as Sadie was climbing with no caution and Shawn carefully made motions based on his decision making. After climbing about halfway up, Sadie’s carelessness caught up to her and she missed a crack in the wall for her foot and began to plummet to the ground.
Sadie (screaming):
This is gonna suck so-
Shawn (grabbing onto her hand):
Gotcha! You need to be more careful.
Taking a break from advancing up the wall any further, Shawn managed to hold his place on the wall as he used his arm strength to help Sadie back up the wall. Chef looks impressed with Shawn’s heroism. After helping Sadie get back to a comfortable place on the wall, the two began climbing again. As Shawn continued to move cautiously to the top, Sadie managed to surpass him, her hands reaching the top of the wall as she tried to lift herself up. Reaching over the edge, Sadie managed to slowly pull herself up to the top before Shawn. A smirk then crept over her face as she made a devious decision. Reaching her last leg up to the top, she placed her shoe onto Shawn’s head, pushing down on him as she propelled herself, causing Shawn to lose his grip and begin falling down the wall.
Sadie (deviously):
Sorry, darling. All is fair in love and war, and this is war.
Courtney (shocked):
Oh my god!
Dave (horrified):
Shawn!
Running from his spot with his other team members, Dave ran to the wall to catch Shawn, managing to catch him right before he hit the ground.
Heather (smugly):
I told you we should have gone with Alejandro.
Dave (a bit proud of himself):
I caught you!
Shawn (stunned from the last few moments):
Dave… you caught me?
Dave (a bit surprised himself):
I did. I really did.
Shawn (rising back to his feet):
Sadie, what the hell? I gave you a pocket knife, saved you from falling yourself, and then you sabotage me like that? 
Sadie (smugly cutting her rope with the pocket knife):
You’ve got it all wrong, Shawn! It was an accident!
Dave (protective):
Accident, my ass!
Amy (snickering a bit):
What ass?
Shawn (climbing up the wall again):
Karma is going to get you faster than you can comprehend.
Sadie (with a shrug):
I’ll take my chances.
As Shawn reached the top of the wall, he climbed up to his feet. Walking towards Sadie, he pulled his pocket knife out of her hands and tossed it over the wall.
Shawn (a bit vindictive):
See what happens the next time you need help.
Sadie (pretending to be upset):
Oh no, whatever will I do? A shame I already cut my rope!
Shawn:
You should be lucky that I’m not concerned with getting even.
Sadie (tying the rope and tossing it down):
You should be more concerned with catching up. Come on, guys! Let’s go!
As Sadie tossed the rope down for the Raccoons, they lined up to climb up. Up first was Tyler, who, to nobody’s surprise, had no trouble climbing up the rope, no doubt due to his years of physical training. Samey was the next to begin climbing up the rope as Shawn tied his rope and tossed it down for the Vipers to climb up. The camera fast forwards a bit until Dave and Amy are the last two remaining on the ground for their team. Amy begins climbing up the rope as Dave struggles to climb up the rope.
Samey:
Come on, Amy! You can win this for us!
Dave (defeated):
I really am a loser. I can't keep up anymore. Shawn deserves better than me.
Amy looks down at Dave, who has now burst into tears as he keeps failing to climb up the rope, then up at the rest of the contestants who had already completed the challenge. Taking pity on the small male, she slides back down the rope and jumps down in front of Dave. She offered him her hand.
Sadie:
What are you doing? Let him be and get back here and win!
Dave (sniffling):
What? Come back to gloat about how much better you are than me?
Amy (sitting down on the ground to face him):
I heard you. I know what it’s like to feel like your best is not enough.
Dave (through deep, teary breaths):
So what? You’ve got it all figured out now, so you think you can talk down to me?
Amy (with genuine sympathy):
I’m not here to talk down to you, I’m here to offer you a lending hand. I’ve been broken down like you before. Look, I know we don’t really get along, but I really hate to see someone as crushed and damaged as I was, as I am. 
Dave (still believing her to be mocking him):
Oh sure, you know what it’s like. You know what it’s like to be useless. You know what it’s like to look at the world around you and know that you’re out of place because you’re outclassed by everyone around you. Until you know what it’s like, leave me alone and get your sick kicks somewhere else. This is cruel even for you.
Amy (opening up):
Listen, I never really told this to anyone. I had to learn to be strong for myself because I had nobody to support me. I built up these walls to protect me from getting hurt again from the ones I am supposed to love the most. When I was young, my dad made sure Samey and I never felt in competition with each other. Whatever she got, I got. Whatever I got, she got. He made us feel so special and loved. When he died, everything changed. We ended up in the custody of our mother. I suspect that she didn’t really want kids when we were born and that’s why they split up. When we came to live with her, she took a liking to Samey. Everything she did was the golden-paved road. It was like I was a burden. I was just an extra mouth to feed. A responsibility she didn’t want to have. Now that I’m older and in therapy, I really think she only showed Samey that affection because she saw her as an extension of herself. She was the smart one. She was the more talented one. She was the head cheerleader. She was the drum major. She was the cheer captain. She got all the leads in musicals and plays. Just like mother. Mother was the star in high school and I guess she never really accepted her glory days were behind her, so she used Samey to feel them again.
Dave (starting to understand Amy):
That’s why you started acting out towards your sister. It was misplaced aggravation meant for your mother, but she made you feel like your sister was your superior in every way. You tried to become your own support system and started acting colder than you really are. This “head bitch” persona is just a fake to protect you from getting hurt from the people who are supposed to love and protect you, but you didn’t get that, so you had to create a version of yourself that was twisted, but it caused more friction between you and Samey.
Amy (pausing a bit):
And it’s something I regret everyday. I let my relationship with my sister deteriorate to put myself first and I’m just now getting back to having one with her, but I’m still scared of what could happen if we ever get truly close again. I don’t want to lose her forever. I’m still mentally kicking myself for leaving when I turned eighteen. I should have tried to work things out with her earlier, but I chose therapy and didn’t see her for five years. 
Dave (rising to his feet, then helping her up):
Amy, you’ve grown up so much. You put yourself first after years of neglect and made the decision to separate yourself from the toxic, traumatic environment and got help. I’m proud of you. You probably haven’t heard this in a long time, but I really am proud of you.
Dave wrapped his arms around Amy’s waist, pulling her into a hug, and after the shock disappeared from her face, she smiled and reciprocated his hug, happy to finally have someone see her as herself. 
Heather (groaning):
Enough with the pity party! We have a challenge to win, hello!
Amy (rolling her eyes):
I don’t see why you’ve all haven’t voted her off.
Dave (snickering a bit, wiping tears from his eyes):
Neither do I.
Amy:
And listen, don’t worry about not being able to keep up with Shawn. I’ve gotten to know him a good bit since we got here. He’s crazy about you. He knows what you’re good at and appreciates it all.
Dave:
What do you mean?
Amy:
It took him a while to realize it himself, but he knows what a perfect match for him you are. You’re his complete opposite. You’re the missing puzzle piece. You complete him.
Dave:
Are you sure?
Amy:
I’m positive. He’s talked to me about you many times when we went foraging. Now come on, we’ve got a challenge to finish.
Dave (confused):
Yeah, but how am I supposed to-
Amy (playfully rolling her eyes):
Just shut up and get on.
Amy crouched down, letting Dave up onto her shoulders and climbed up the rope swiftly. Upon reaching the top, Dave hopped down off of Amy and was immediately embraced by Shawn as Samey approached her sister.
Samey:
Amy… I didn’t know just how much everything affected you.
Amy:
That’s all behind me now. All I can do now is make up all the time I’ve missed out on having a sister. I’m so sorry about how I’ve treated you.
Samey:
Amy, you’ve apologized so many times already. I forgive you, I promise.
Amy:
I know, but I just want you to know just how much I care about you. I love you.
Samey:
I love you, too!
The twin sisters embraced in a hug as Lindsay and Tyler happily watched. Sadie, angry, interrupts the tender moment.
Sadie:
That’s all well and good, but you helped the enemy! You’re a traitor!
Lindsay (a bit confused):
Well this was only the first part. The challenge isn’t re-
Sadie:
It doesn’t matter! She made her allegiance clear!
Sadie aggressively shoved Amy back down off of the wooden wall as everybody but Heather looked horrified. Amy lands back down on the ground with a loud THUD!
Heather (disinterested):
She’s dead, oh well. What have we gained and what have we lost?
Amy (moaning from pain):
I’m… okay…
Chef:
You don’t earn chest candy with friendly fire! Sadie, you’re eliminated! Get over here and ring the bell!
Sadie (defensive):
WHAT?! But she-
Chef (cutting her off):
Now, maggot! We don’t have all day!
Sadie, grunting and groaning, slides down the rope from the wooden wall and walks over to the Bell of Shame. She rolls her eyes and rings it. She then angrily stomps over to Topher and takes a seat beside him. Samey and Scott then both slide down the ropes to check on Amy.
Topher:
That was a bit cold, wasn’t it?
Sadie (growling):
Don’t test me or else you’re going to have my hand marked on your face forever?!
Samey (helping Amy up to her feet):
Amy! Amy! Are you okay?
Scott (feeling her head):
That was one hell of a fall.
Courtney (slightly concerned):
Is she okay?
Chef (a bit sincere):
Is she okay to continue?
Amy (stuttering):
I-I-I’ll be fine!
Samey (concerned):
Amy, you’re clearly hurt. You need to sit out.
Amy (her senses returning to her slowly):
I can’t admit to being injured. Remember what happened to DJ? I can’t leave!
Scott (also concerned):
Babe, I really think you should at least get checked out.
Amy (taking a step):
I’ll be fine, and I am NOT your “babe.”
Scott (a bit confident):
Not yet.
Chef:
Moving on!
Setting: Pahkitew Island, the beach, morning
The setting quickly cuts from the forest clearing to the beach. The contestants are all standing on a wooden platform with a rope tied around their waists, whatever they were attached to is not seen on screen. Chef sits on a large throne on the sand as Sadie and Topher sit in the sand near another Bell of Shame. The competing contestants are now in their bathing suits while Topher looks through binoculars at Alejandro and Sadie fans herself, hot and sweaty.
Courtney (concerned):
Excuse me, is this safe?
Chef (ignoring her):
For the next part of the challenge, a combat hero needs to be prepared to give their life on all terrain! You’ll be jumping into the freezing ocean waters and hold yourself under as long as possible while surviving jellyfish stings, turtle bites, and potential shark attacks.
Scott (color draining from his face):
S-s-s-s-sharks?! No way! I’m outta here!
Courtney (grabbing onto Scott as he tried to run away):
Oh no you don’t! Don’t you even think of tapping out!
Courtney’s stern talking seemed to get through to Scott… until a familiar enemy emerged from the water. A massive blue shark-looking creature with a somewhat human-looking body gave him a wave with a menacing grin on its face. Scott’s eyes widened in fear as he realized this creature to be his old adversary FANG. As this is a cartoon, Scott screams in terror and takes off running off of the wooden platform and across the water to the sandy shore of the beach. He reaches for the Bell of Shame with no hesitation and frantically rings it until a female intern cuts the rope from around his waist.
Scott (crazed pleading):
Let me out! Let me out! Letmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletme-
Intern (puzzled):
Uh, you’re free.
Scott:
Oh thank god.
After continuing to frantically ring the Bell of Shame a few times, Scott eventually falls to the ground, passed out from fear. The camera then pans to Amy and Courtney.
Amy (confused):
What’s with him?
Courtney (concerned for her friend):
Scott’s terrified of sharks. That one specifically. That’s Fang. He used to be a normal shark, but when Chris flooded the old island with radioactive waste, he mutated into the beast you see now. He tried to eat Scott, but he managed to get away and managed to break his tooth out and carried it with him as a trophy. When Scott’s karma caught up to him, Fang reclaimed his tooth and savagely beat Scott to the point of severely crippling him. He never really got over it, and honestly, I don’t blame him. That’s a lot of trauma all at once.
Amy (warming up a little):
Gee, he’s been through a lot.
Courtney (sympathetic):
He has, and I can see that he’s trying to make the change to becoming a better, more kind person, but he still slips up occasionally. 
Amy (trying to read her, slightly jealous):
Such compassion. Have you considered taking him back? Surely those old romantic feelings haven’t gone away. Is there still something there?
Courtney (pondering for a bit):
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t considered it. Honestly, I’ve spent so much of my life getting into half-cooked relationships based on being impulsive that I’d like to just be single for a while. However, he’s still a good friend and I still care a lot about him.
Amy (thinking):
So you think his feelings for me are real? He’s not just playing with me?
Courtney (showing compassion):
Trust me. He’s always been genuine with his emotions.
Chef (cutting them off):
Enough jibber jabber! Time to get this-
Heather (cutting him off to complain):
Excuse me, Chef. This cannot be legal.
Chef (with a wicked laugh):
Oh, you’re going to sink like a Malaysian flight.
Heather (rolling her eyes):
I meant having to listen to these two talking about that hillbilly. 
Dave (snarky):
I’d rather listen to that then have to listen to your bullsh-
Before Dave could finish his swear, Chef pressed a button and the wooden platform the competing contestants were standing on dropped down to the ocean, dropping them all down under the water.
Chef:
Originally, the first three to lose their breath and reemerge on the surface would be eliminated from the challenge, however since Scott tapped out like a chicken at KFC, only the first two will be eliminated instead.
The camera submerges under the water and shows each of the remaining nine contestants underwater, each one trying to remain under as long as they can. The camera focuses on Shawn and Dave as a jellyfish floats around Dave. He is visibly afraid, starting to tremble and swim back to the surface. Shawn managed to grab Dave by the foot and drag him back down, making a “no” motion with his hands and shaking his head. The jellyfish moves past Dave and swims out of camera focus. Using hand signals, Shawn displays knowledge of sign language. He signals to Dave that jellyfish do not sting unprovoked and he has nothing to be afraid of. Dave’s face changes to one of relief and gives his boyfriend a warm smile. Shawn reciprocated as Dave tried to move in closer to him, however a large pair of eyes opened behind him. Fang quickly swam up to him and consumed him, then swam off. A determined Shawn jetted off after him as the camera panned to Lindsay and Tyler. The two are trying to communicate as Tyler tries to make hand signals to his wife and Lindsay looks visibly confused, not understanding. Her head tilts to the side like a puppy. She scratches her head and then tries to speak to Tyler to let him know that she doesn’t speak sign language, but she swallows water and then swims to the shore, choking and spitting up water.
Lindsay (a bit dazed):
Gee… talking through an aquarium is hard. I wonder how those cute little fishies do it?
Chef:
Lindsay, you’re the first one eliminated from the challenge!
Lindsay (confused and sad):
Oh no! I’m eliminated? But Tyler and I packed together! How will that work?
Topher (correcting her):
No, no. Just the challenge, Lindsay. Not from the show.
Lindsay (now understanding):
Oh!
Shawn (emerging from the water):
Out of the way!
Shawn emerges from the water, now carrying Fang in his hands. His grasp was strong on the oversized mutated shark. He then slammed him off the hot sand back and forth, trying to force the shark to spit his boyfriend up. He then jumped up and slammed Fang over his knee, the strength of the blow enough to force the mutant shark creature to finally spit up Dave. Relieved, Shawn effortlessly threw Fang out of the way and back into the ocean as he ran up to his boyfriend lying on the sand. Dave, petrified, remains still until Shawn reached him and immediately proceeded to give him CPR, complete with chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth. Eventually, Dave sits up, removing a seastar from his head as his hair falls in front of his eyes. Shawn, with a laugh of relief, softly brushed Dave’s hair away from his eyes.
Chef:
And Shawn is the second contestant eliminated from the challenge!
The remaining six contestants in the water then swam back to shore, catching their breath as the camera focused on Dave and Shawn.
Shawn (relieved):
I thought I had lost you for a minute.
Dave (puzzled):
You gave up the chance to win just to save me? Why
Shawn (teasingly):
Well, you did save my life today, it’s only fair that I returned the favor.
Dave (a bit disappointed):
Oh.
Shawn (cupping Dave’s face in his hand):
Because you’re my boyfriend and I love you.
Dave (his wet face warming into a smile):
You love me?
Shawn (a bit emotional):
Of course.
Shawn brought his face close to Dave’s after pausing for a moment. Despite his aversion to public displays of affection, the fear of possibly losing Dave struck something in him and he pressed his lips against his. The two share a passionate kiss in front of the remaining cast.
Lindsay (moved, wiping a tear from her eye):
Aw, that’s, like, so sweet!
Samey (supportive):
This is so touching. 
Topher (wrapping his arms around Alejandro):
All this romance in the air, isn’t it infectious?
Alejandro (hesitating a bit):
…Yes. Yes, it is.
After a few minutes, Shawn pulled his face away from Dave’s.
Dave (puzzled):
You kissed me… in front of everyone?
Shawn (blushing):
…Well, you- I- We- Anyway, how are you feeling?
Dave (his eyes wide with fear):
Germs still make my skin crawl, but I’m terrified of sharks now.
Scott (woozy):
Welcome to my world.
Setting: Pahkitew Island, the forest clearing, afternoon
The camera quickly cuts back to deep in the forest clearing. The area has changed again, this time another wooden platform stood a few feet away from the original chair Chef had been sitting in next to the Bell of Shame. Scott, Lindsay, and Shawn have now joined Sadie and Topher in the loser’s section as Alejandro, Amy, Courtney, Dave, Heather, Samey, and Tyler all stood on the thin wooden platform in alphabetical order.
Samey:
I don’t like the look of this.
Chef:
For the next round, you’ll learn how to dodge enemy fire! My favorite!
Heather (protesting):
You mean to tell me that you’re going to shoot at us?
Chef (visibly disappointed):
Don’t think I wouldn’t if I could. Since it’s illegal in Canada to shoot at people for sport, I had to improvise. Allow me to reintroduce the Pasta Blaster! Since I can’t get around shooting you with real bullets, I’ve decided to shoot uncooked pasta and raw meat at you. Like this.
To give a demonstration, Chef fires the pasta blaster at Topher, knocking him down and coating him in raw meat and uncooked pasta noodles.
Topher (whining):
Hey! Watch the makeup!
Chef:
The first two to get shot are eliminated from the challenge as we near the final round.
Dave (heavily breathing):
This is all… so much. I don’t think I can… keep up.
Heather (trying to pressure him):
Well then you might as well just tap out now. We don’t need anymore dead weight holding us down. 
Dave (sucking it up):
Not on your life, bog witch. I’ll do it just to spite you.
Shawn (cheering him on):
Come on, Dave! You can do it! I believe in you!
Alejandro (trying to charm him):
Stand strong, pequeño débil. Your novio sucio has mucho faith in you.
Dave (angry):
For a weakling, I certainly made it far in a physical challenge.
Alejandro (caught off guard):
Oh, you speak Spanish?
Amy (snickering):
How does it feel to put your entire foot in your mouth, boot and all, Al?
Alejandro (angry, his eye twitching):
Nunca me llames así, eres una perra emocional, no verás el final de este día.
Chef then fired off seven blasts from the pasta blaster, however all seven remaining contestants managed to avoid getting shot. 
Courtney (a bit impressed):
Good job, Dave! Keep it up!
Dave (surprising himself):
I’ll do my best!
Heather:
Let’s kick this up a notch!
Chef fired off another round of shots from the pasta blaster. Alejandro, Amy, and Courtney easily avoided the oncoming balls of meat and pasta noodles, and Dave nearly slipped and fell off the platform trying to sidestep his blast, but ultimately remained in the game. An evil smirk crept across Heather’s face as the camera went into slow motion. Heather dropped to her knees, then slid to her left, knocking Samey over, causing Samey to get blasted by the shot meant for her, as well as Heather’s at once. The force of the blasts being enough to knock Samey right off the platform and onto the ground as Tyler avoided his blast.
Chef:
Through dirty means, Samey is the first contestant eliminated from this round. Jesus Christ! Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke or did you have to work at it?
Amy:
Samey! That wasn’t fair!
Samey (dazed):
I’m okay, I think!
Tyler (not really paying attention):
Ooh! Better luck next time, dude!
Alejandro:
A shame it had to end that way.
Heather (smug):
When the main character falls, the secondary hits the ground faster. Isn’t that right, Amy?
Dave (disgusted):
That was cruel, even for you.
Amy (her eye twitching):
My personal family life is of no business to you, and I strongly suggest you keep your mouth shut before I knock your teeth down your throat.
Heather (with a malicious snicker):
Heading right to threats and aggression because you know that what you’ve been told all your life is true? You are nothing but second best to your twin sister. Not even second best. You don’t even cross the finish line when it comes to the two of you.
Amy (aggressive):
That’s it!?
Shoving Courtney out of her way and Dave backed away from her afraid of what would happen. Amy leaped at Heather and knocked her off the podium. The two began to slap and pull at each other’s hair until the next round of pasta blasts exploded on both of them.
Chef:
Unless anybody can say otherwise, both Amy and Heather were hit by the pasta blaster, and therefore are out!
Dave (piping up):
I saw everything! Heather took the shots in the back and they exploded and splattered on Amy. They didn’t shoot her. 
Courtney (scrunching up her nose, angry):
She’s on the other team, why are you helping her?
Dave (unfazed):
Because that’s what happened. I know you saw it! It’s only fair.
Courtney:
Yeah, I saw it, but I wasn’t going to say anything.
Chef:
That settles it! Heather is out. It serves her right after taking Samey out. Amy is still in, but she’s skating on thin ice. Next challenge!
The camera fades to black and then cuts back to the forest clearing. The wooden podium has been removed and the final five of the challenge stood in shackles connected to their fellow teammates by their ankles. Alejandro, Courtney, and Dave are chained together as the final three Vipers in the challenge as are Amy and Tyler as the final two members of the Raccoons left standing. The same female intern from before placed a shovel and a wooden plank in front of each of the teams.
Courtney:
Are the prison shackles really necessary?
Chef (with another wicked chuckle):
Welcome to my favorite round of the challenge: the Pahkitew Death March!
Alejandro (perplexed):
Que? marcha de la muerte?
Amy (annoyed):
That figures.
Chef:
You’ll be carrying your wooden planks and shovels are you march to the scorching hot sands of the beach where you will then proceed to dig your own graves!
Dave (rolling his eyes):
And then you’ll probably shoot us and then bury us in them.
Chef:
I like the way you think, Private Fruitbasket. Now to ensure there’s no funny business and you don’t try to slip your shackles, I shall be watching you on your little excursion. Very closely. Don’t try to become a comedian with me.
Amy (snarky):
Good news for you, Alejandro. You’ve never been funny a day in your life.
Alejandro:
Mírame ponerme histérico, vaca rubia. Mírame.
Chef (blowing his whistle):
Move it, maggots! Hup two three four!
Chef picked up a snare drum and loudly kept time with it as the five remaining contestants picked up their shovels and their one wooden plank as they started to march on step with Chef’s drumming.
Amy (irritated):
I think we get it! Stop it with that damn drum!
Tyler (humming along to the drumming as if it were music):
It’s not that bad, Amy. I kinda like it! It’s catchy! Hm hm hm! Hm hm hm!
Courtney (complaining):
Is this thing even real wood? It’s awfully heavy!
Dave (just as whiny):
And these shovels are awfully rusty. I’ll probably need a tetanus shot after this is o-
Chef (cutting him off):
Ain’t no pill pusher here to help you, maggot! Your ass is grass!
Dave (pouting):
After all this torture, I really miss my Lazy Guy recliner to sleep on.
Amy (with a snicker):
Lazy Guy? What do they call the deluxe model? The Helpless Slackass?
Chef (yelling a cadence):
I don’t know what I’ve been told!
Tyler (repeating, having fun):
I don’t know what I’ve been told!
Chef:
I think Fraiser’s good as gold!
Tyler:
I think Fraiser’s good as gold!
Chef (continuing his cadence):
If it’s not on tv tonight!
Tyler (still having fun, repeating):
If it’s not on tv tonight!
Chef:
I might just go to the white light!
Tyler:
I might just go to the white light!
Chef (authoritative):
Sound off!
Alejandro, Amy, Courtney, Dave, and Tyler (annoyed except Tyler):
Three, four!
Chef:
Sound off!
Alejandro, Amy, Courtney, Dave, and Tyler (coming to a halt):
One, two! 
Chef (to Tyler):
Having fun, hm?
Tyler (giddy):
Yes!
Chef (with a salute):
At least somebody appreciates my effort.
Tyler (attempts to salute back, but smacks himself in the head with his shovel):
Yes, si-OW!
Amy (with a grumble):
Oh lord.
Chef (appearing interested in Tyler):
My god, you’re tall, son. Just how tall are you, private?
Tyler (rubbing his head from the pain and thinking):
Uh, I think I’m like… six foot two sir?
Chef (flabbergasted):
Sweet submarines on Saturn’s ring! Six foot two inches? Really? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high, soldier!
Tyler (with a giggle):
Good one, Chef!
Amy (rolling her eyes):
He was insulting you, Tyler.
Tyler:
Yeah, but it was really funny!
Chef (firing a starter's pistol):
Start digging!
Courtney and Tyler set their wooden planks down and take their shovels from Dave and Amy respectively. A seagull falls out of the sky from Chef accidentally shooting it. He looks a bit stunned. The remaining five contestants start to dig.
Amy (trying to do the math):
Wait, if we’re just digging our graves then what were the wooden boards for?
Courtney (groaning):
Probably to just carry some added weight to try and tire us out easier.
Tyler (using his wooden plank to dig):
Do you think?
Amy (confused):
Tyler, where’s your shovel?
Tyler (scratching his head):
Is this not it?
Amy (hatching an idea):
No, but that gives me an idea!
The camera pans to the three remaining Vipers in the challenge. Alejandro and Courtney are having no trouble digging as Dave slowly and reluctantly digs his.
Alejandro (trying to persuade him to work faster):
Dave, pequeño, you need not fear getting put in here. They do not have the authority to actually kill us. Do not be worried.
Dave (shutting him down):
That’s not what I’m thinking about. I’m thinking that the plank is meant to be used for something. Maybe some sort of shortcut?
Alejandro (smirking a bit):
Let us see, then, shall we? Hey, Tyler!
The camera then pans to Amy and Tyler. Amy has dug a grave and their plank, held by Tyler,  is marked with black lines indicating that Amy’s idea was to use the plank as a ruler. Amy is crouched down in front of Tyler, using a tube of eyeliner to fine tune the lines.
Tyler (caught off guard, turning to Alejandro):
Huh, what? Yeah?
Not paying attention, as Tyler turned to face Alejandro, he hit Amy in the head with the plank. The sheer force being enough to knock Amy into the grave, and due to the fact that they were still chained together, Tyler was pulled in with her.
Alejandro (trying to stifle his laughter):
Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. Yep, the planks were useful for sure.
Dave (annoyed):
Can’t you do a challenge without sabotaging one person?
Alejandro (with a shrug):
I’ve done many. Pick one.
Courtney (getting frustrated):
Come on, pick up the pace! We have a challenge to win!
The camera then cuts to inside Amy’s grave. Amy and Tyler are pressed against each other as Amy glares at Tyler, who gives her a nervous laugh.
Tyler (trying to break the tension):
Heh… sorry!
The camera zoomed out to an overview of the full island as Tyler can be heard screaming in pain. His scream was so loud that bird flew away from the trees and a bear can be seen in a cave bewildered. The camera zooms back in to Amy climbing out of the grave, then Tyler climbing out after.
Amy (dryly):
Quit clowning around, we have another grave to dig!
Tyler (misunderstanding):
I can’t be a clown, Amy. I can’t juggle!
Amy (grabbing Tyler by the ear):
Move it, airhead!
Tyler (wincing in pain, still misunderstanding):
But I’m not candy, either!
Amy drags Tyler by the ear to begin digging his grave using their ruler to measure as the camera pans back to Alejandro, Courtney, and Dave as they dig their graves.
Alejandro (taking charge):
Heave! Ho! Dig! Toss! Faster, Dave! Keep up!
Dave (snarky, but getting exhausted):
Speaking… of fast… how about you… and your fake relationship… with Topher?
Alejandro (feigning shock):
Cómo puedes siquiera sugerir eso? My affection for Topher is nothing more than genuine!
Courtney (pointedly):
Right, and I’d gladly take Duncan back with open arms.
Alejandro (wiping a tear away from his eye):
I cannot believe you two would be so cruel! Bestias sin corazón!
Dave (rolling his eyes):
I may not like him, but you’re the heartless beast for what you’re doing to him.
Courtney (acting as the voice of reason):
Come on guys, get it together! We have to dig three full graves while they need two! They’re halfway done and we haven’t finished one! Let’s go!
Immediately after trying to pep the other two remaining members of her team, Courtney dug her shovel further. She hits a large rock with her shovel and it cracks down the middle and breaks in half. Courtney stands there, speechless.
Dave (trying to think):
Crap! We have to think of something for you to finish digging!
Alejandro (enjoying her misfortune):
Surely she could just dig with her hands from now on. You know you love your dirty work, don’t you, Courtney?
Courtney (grabbing Alejandro’s shovel from his hands):
Oh, you know me so well, don’t you?
After Alejandro and Courtney wrestled back and forth for his shovel, Courtney finally succeeded in pulling it from his hands. She then slams it over his head then tosses it back at him, hitting him in the stomach. She walks back smugly as Alejandro took back his shovel.
Dave (hatching an idea):
Courtney, if we can break our plank, you’d be able to use the fractured end to act like a shovel. Plus the length might help you dig further.
Courtney (trying to visualize it in her head):
I suppose it could work, but how could we break it?
Dave (in thought):
Well we could either try to break it by using our strength to bend it until it snaps or you could use my shovel to fracture it until it breaks apart.
Courtney:
Well, it’s a heavy board and you’re tiny and frail, so give me your shovel. 
With a nod, Dave hands his shovel over to Courtney. Courtney placed the board over her grave and stood on the end to ensure it wouldn’t fall as she began to strike it with Dave’s shovel. Slowly but surely, Courtney was able to cause little pieces of the wooden board to chip off and fly away. Eventually, she was able to fracture the board to the point where it split into messy halves. Handing Dave back his shovel, she picked up one of the ends of the board and started to use it to dig. With a small wince of pain, she released her grip on the board and shook her hand in pain. Looking closer at her hand, she discovered she now had splinters in her fingers and palms.
Courtney (through her teeth):
Ah, damn. Splinters. Hey Dave, help me pull these out.
Dave (reluctantly):
O-Oh… yeah. Sure… okay.
Moving closer to Courtney, Dave examined her hand and then pulled a pair of tweezers from his back pocket. He then used them to help her remove the splinters from her hands. Upon seeing blood, Dave immediately began to become woozy.
Courtney (concerned):
Are you feeling okay?
Dave (eyes wide and glassy):
Never better. Are you okay?
Courtney:
A bit numb. It’ll pass.
Dave:
Well don’t worry about the loss of… blood. Just get a tetanus shot to combat infection.
Courtney:
I’m not worried about blood loss. There’s hardly enough to be concerned.
Dave:
It’s good that you’re staying so strong in the face of this disas-
Dave’s eyes rolled up into his head and he fell to the ground, passed out. Alejandro snickered loudly, earning a cold glare from Courtney. Chef removes the shackles from Dave’s ankles and has two interns carry him back to the forest clearing, eliminating him from the challenge.
Courtney (coldly):
It’s not funny. He fainted.
Alejandro (snickering):
No, you’re right. This is a tragedy.
Courtney (showing concern):
He could’ve gotten hurt! He may have!
Alejandro (with a simple shrug):
Well it’s out of our hands. He fainted, so he’s out. Life goes on.
Courtney (showing clear disdain):
Could you at least pretend to be concerned about someone other than yourself?
Alejandro (smugly):
Why be artificial now?
Amy and Tyler (in unison):
We did it!
Chef:
The Ravenous Raccoons have officially dug their own graves the fastest and therefore have won the final challenge of today! Vipers! See you at the campfire ceremony, where you’ll be voting out yet another member of your losing team.
Amy and Tyler high fived as the interns removed the shackles from their ankles. Courtney, distraught at losing again, falls to her knees and let out a loud shriek.
Tyler:
We did it!
Chef:
Amy, Tyler, I’d be honored to go to war with you two anytime.
Amy (dryly):
I’ll keep that in mind if I ever want to kill myself.
Tyler (a bit excited):
Anytime, Chef! This was fun!
=== Act Three - The Cabins ===
Setting: Pahkitew Island, behind the cabins, nighttime
Following the challenge, Shawn is tending to a now conscious, but still visibly shaken Dave directly behind their cabin. Placing Dave’s head on a firm tree log, Shawn laid him down against the ground and then used a cigarette lighter to ignite a small pile of wood and leaves he had placed a teapot over. He then applies an ice pack to Dave’s forehead as he sits down beside him. 
Dave (embarrassed):
Thanks for taking care of me all the time. Sorry I’m so weak.
Shawn (caringly):
Don’t apologize for anything. I like taking care of you. Besides, you did so well today in all those physical challenges. I’m really proud of you. The Dave I know and love is far from weak.
Dave (teasingly):
So you love me, hm?
Shawn (blushing a bit):
God, what do you want from me? You got your little kiss in front of everyone. 
Dave (giving him a weak smile):
And it was everything I’ve ever wanted.
Shawn playfully rolled his eyes and gave Dave a soft palm to the face before grabbing a tea cup and pouring tea from the pot over the fire. He then hands the cup to Dave.
Shawn:
Here, your tea is ready.
Dave (a bit confused):
Is tea really going to help me after fainting?
Shawn (combing his fingers through Dave’s hair softly):
No. I just know you like it. If something changed that, then it’s a sign that you got a concussion from hitting your head. That’s what the cold compress is for, for now.
Dave:
You’ve really thought of everything.
Shawn (holding the ice pack to the back of Dave’s head):
I’ve learned a thing or two after all these years.
The camera cuts to inside the Vipers cabin. Heather is seen addressing the room consisting of Alejandro, herself, Scott, and Topher. 
Heather (finishing her speech):
…and that is why one of them must go tonight.
Scott (not agreeing):
I don’t see why. They’re relatively harmless.
Heather (feeding him a strategy):
Think about it. The two of them are together and Courtney is rounding them out as a trio. If we don’t band together, they’ll shift the balance and turn the tables on us. When it’s the three of them against us, and you turn on us, think about it. Just where do you feature?
Scott (convinced):
You make a good case.
Heather:
Good boy, just listen to teacher. If we need to pull this off, it needs to be a blindside vote. Shawn is expecting us to vote against him, so it won’t be a surprise.
Topher (confused):
So why aren’t we just going to vote him out?
Heather (annoyed):
Alejandro, break it down for him
Alejandro (trying to hide his disgust):
Think of it this way. Shawn is Kim Kardashian. For him to have his immunity shaken and pulled out from under him, his protection and guard needs to be dropped.
Topher (the plan clicking in his head):
So Courtney and Dave are like his makeup and costuming crew? To get Shawn out, we need to get rid of his safety nets?
Alejandro (with a nod):
That’s it exactly. Also, in addition to the normal vote, I managed to secure something from Tyler. This could be the final piece of the puzzle to set Shawn’s demise into motion.
Holding out his hand, he revealed to the other four people in the room that he was now in the position of the yellow Blaineley Bust that Blaineley had giving to Tyler a few episodes ago.
Topher (impressed):
Woah, where did you get that?
Alejandro (with a shrug):
Let’s just say that Tyler can be easily persuaded.
Topher (pouting):
Come on, tell me the story!
Alejandro (with a light laughter):
Later, I promise. For now, I want you to take it, Topher. 
Topher (confused, but excited):
Yay! But why me?
Alejandro (passively):
Because I already used one of these idols. I don’t want to raise any suspicion. If I give it to you, and you use it, it eliminates any possibility of foul play. 
Heather (a bit cryptically):
Plus you also have that one… thing hidden. We have that if anything goes awry.
Topher (confused):
That thing? What thing? What is she talking about?
Alejandro (sweetly):
Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
=== Act Four - The Campfire Ceremony ===
Setting: Pahkitew Island, the campsite, nighttime
The seven remaining Vicious Vipers sat on the logs after casting their votes one by one as the Ravenous Raccoons watched from the peanut gallery. Chef stood at the podium with a tray of marshmallows. He counts the votes in his hands.
Chef:
You all deserve to go home tonight. Alejandro; you spent most of this challenge being cooperative, but enjoying the misfortune of your teammates. Courtney; you had the drive and determination that took you to the end of the challenge, but your pushing and carelessness would have gotten your squad killed in real combat. Dave; you managed to hold on to the very end until the slightest bit of blood knocked you out, but to get that far, you relied on the pity of others and needed to be rescued a few times. Heather; you played the cards you hide up your sleeve, proving to be as cold, calculating, and underhanded as ever.
Heather:
Just what you need to win a war.
Chef:
While that is true, your dirty game does not help your teammates out. Scott; the minute things got more difficult, you chickened out. You ran away like an incontinent dog. Shawn; while you took charge of your team and made decisions to preserve them, you let Sadie catch you off guard and it caused you to stumble and fall behind. Topher; you are the worst one of all. You immediately backed out of the challenge to try and preserve your alleged “good looks.” You stranded your comrades out in the desert while you sat on your ass and did nothing.
Topher (posing at his phone camera):
And I looked hot doing it.
Chef:
Let’s get into the votes.
Topher (remembering):
Ooh! Wait! I have this!
Pressing the record on his phone, Topher recorded himself rising to his feet and approaching Chef. He then places the yellow Blaineley Bust onto the podium.
What do I win?
Chef (shuffling through notes on index cards):
Let me see here… yellow… mhm. Hm. Mhm.
Topher (a bit impatient):
Hello? What did I win?
Chef (reading from an index card):
Here we go. The yellow Blaineley Bust gives the user the Power of Stealth.
Courtney (worried):
Stealth? You mean he’s immune from being voted off?
Chef:
Let me finish! With the Power of Stealth, the user is allowed to block one teammate from casting their vote.
Topher (with grandiosity for the cameras):
With this power, I have an immensely difficult decision to make. I have come to value everybody left here, but someone must go home challenge after challenge so that I can win and claim the two million dollar prize for myself. I must act with what is best for my game. I have decided that I will be blocking Shawn’s vote.
Shawn (scrunching his nose up at Topher):
Such big words for a performative airhead.
Chef (tearing up a ballot):
Shawn, as has been decided by Topher, your vote has been blocked and your ballot is now rendered void. May the odds be ever in your favor. You all know the drill. When your name is called, collect your marshmallow and you live to die another day. If you do not receive a marshmallow, you must immediately report back to your cabin, pack your belongings, kiss the two million dollars goodbye, walk down the dock of shame, and board the boat of losers to leave the island. Now let’s get into the votes. Come collect your marshmallow…
Courtney!
Alejandro!
Heather!
…and Scott!
Courtney (relieved):
Oh my god!
Scott:
Hallelujah.
Chef:
Dave, Shawn, Topher. Each of you has received votes tonight. I have two marshmallows left, three people. One of you will be getting eliminated tonight. In a vote of three to two to one… the eliminated contestant tonight is…
Shawn (standing up):
There’s no need to announce it. I know when I’ve been licked.
Dave (with large, sad eyes):
No, don’t go!
Chef (with a hesitant pause):
… Dave. You’ve been eliminated.
Shawn (stunned):
What?
Dave (confused):
What? Me? Are you sure? Did you read the votes right?
Chef:
Three votes against Dave. Two votes against Topher. One vote against Shawn.
Courtney (glaring at Topher):
This isn’t fair!
Chef:
Let’s see how everyone voted.
Pressing a button on the podium, the screen behind him flares to life. One by one it reveals how the entire team voted, including Shawn. Alejandro voted for Dave. Courtney voted for Topher. Dave voted for Topher. Heather voted for Dave. Scott voted for Dave. Shawn voted for Topher, “VOID” is written over his vote. Topher voted for Shawn. Three votes for Dave. Two votes for Topher. One vote for Shawn. One void vote for Topher. 
Dave (with a slow nod):
I accept defeat. I’m gonna go pack now.
Shawn (helping Dave up):
I’m coming to help you.
The camera then cut to static and then to Dave wearing a backpack and Shawn saying their goodbyes on the dock as Dave placed his luggage in the boat of losers. It’s a teary goodbye on both ends as neither was prepared to become separated.
Dave:
I’ll never forget you and the time we shared together.
Shawn (holding onto Dave’s hand):
I wish there was more time.
Dave (with a small smile):
Shawn, the time we spent together might have been short, but this was the best time of my life. Promise me one thing?
Shawn (with a solemn nod):
Anything, my love.
Dave (with a sweet smile):
Don’t forget me.
Shawn (shaking his head):
Never.
Dave:
Also, when you win this thing, come looking for me? Okay, two things.
Shawn:
I won’t need to come looking for you, Dave. That would be pointless.
Dave (deflated and disappointed):
Oh…
Shawn (lifting Dave’s face so their eyes meet):
Because I want us to live together. When this is over and done with, I want you to move in with me. I don’t want to lose you. I want to wake up next to you every morning.
Dave (with another smile):
You mean it?
Shawn (with a light nod):
Of course I do. 
Chef (honking the boat horn):
Come on, kid. Time to go.
Dave (reaching into his backpack):
I’d love that very much. One more thing before I go…
Digging through his beige backpack, he pulls out his well-loved teddy bear. He placed it in Shawn’s hand and then wrapped him into a hug.
Shawn (confused):
You’re giving me Beary?
Dave (with a nod):
Something to remember me by until we’re reunited at home.
Shawn:
I love you.
Walking hand in hand, Shawn helped Dave up onto the boat of losers as they shared one last kiss. With another honk, the boat started to pull away. Dave and Shawn waved goodbye.
Dave:
I love you!
Shawn:
I love you!
As the boat of losers drove away with Dave on it, Shawn wiped a tear from his eye as a large pair of eyes emerged from the water and stared at him. The camera then cut to Blaineley and Chris having returned to the island, standing at the empty campsite.
Blaineley:
Another one down, another ten left to go as we reach our final eleven contestants.
Chris:
This tearjerker ending will be great for our rating!
Blaineley:
I smell another Gemmy!
Chris:
Will Shawn seek revenge on his teammates for voting out his boyfriend?
Will Amy ever decide what her feelings for Scott are?
Blaineley:
Just how did Alejandro get the final Blaineley Bust from Tyler?
Will Courtney’s newfound softness melt away to her true personality?
Chris:
Find out the answer to these questions and more next time on Total!
Drama! 
RESURRECTION!
The screen fades to black and then to Heather in the confessional
Heather:
Why the blindside of Dave over just outright eliminating Shawn or removing the burnt sienna thorn in my side? Simple. With the merge coming soon, there’s always the chance of there being a jury. With Dave becoming more comfortable in the game due to riding on the back of Shawn’s neck, he managed to exceed expectations and form actual positive relationships. If that pathetic little weasel had made it to the merge, he would be a jury threat. With Courtney, we know what we are getting. She is an easy jury sweep, and Shawn’s gaming and strategy is all over the board, so he has no management on how his game is played, which can leave a potentially jury hesitant to vote for him. All roads lead to my victory from here on. The two million dollars is mine and now nobody can take it from me!
Chris (his voice over the loudspeaker):
Attention campers! Please report back to the campsite immediately!
The screen fades to black.
== Trivia ==
* In this episode, it is revealed that Dave can speak Spanish, as wells that he and Shawn know sign language. Dave is also revealed to be squeamish with blood, fainting at seeing the slightest bit.
* At the beginning of this episode, Amy fights with Dave, however once the challenge begins, the two begin to bond, with Amy opening up about her private life and helping Dave through a panic attack. 
* It is revealed that Lindsay and Tyler have become friends with Topher after visiting the mall.
* Amy negatively talking about the negative qualities of the remaining contestants in the confessional is a direct parallel to Gwen doing so in the finale of Total Drama Island.
* Topher is more outwardly antagonistic starting in this episode. 
* Sadie accidentally reveals to Samey her alliance with Heather, and causes Samey to correctly read through Heather's manipulation of Sadie to do her dirty work for her.
* This is the only episode to be fully uncensored, this is due to it being a parody of different military and army movies.
* Amy is once again mad at Scott. This time, due to him turning on her in the previous episode, however he remains oblivious to why.
* Sadie reveals that Katie makes all her nail sets for her and is concerned with damaging them.
* Dave and Shawn spend the episode rescuing each other multiple times. Dave saves Shawn from getting injured after Sadie kicked him off the climbing wall, and Shawn saved Dave from being eaten by Fang. Shawn also cares for Dave after he faints after seeing blood.
* Shawn reveals that Duncan had forgotten a pocket knife and that he had claimed it himself.
* Amy reveals more of the puzzle to her and Samey's relationship in this episode. She tells Dave that their parents split after their birth and that their father got custody. When they lived with their father, the sisters were treated the same and had a positive relationship. When their father had died, they had to move in with their uncaring mother, who had prioritized Samey. Amy suspects that the only reason Samey got preferential treatment was that their mother viewed her as an extension of herself. 
* Once she talks to Dave about their traumas, Amy acts considerably nicer for the rest of the episode.
* For the second time this season, Amy becomes injured and chooses to walk it off for the fear of being disqualified, remembering DJ.
* Scott is shown to still be traumatized by Fang, afraid of sharks. Dave eventually develops this fear as well after Fang tries to eat him.
* Courtney is considerably kinder this episode. She shows genuine concern for Scott, Amy, and Dave. She even confides in Amy about her relationship with Scott and that she's learning how to love herself. A cut confessional would have Courtney explain that this is due to Shawn's influence on her and that Shawn's newly competitive behavior is from Courtney's influence on him.
* Despite his aversion to public displays of affection, Shawn shows plenty to Dave after rescuing him from Fang. He kisses him in front of everyone, and later, he loudly roots for Dave in the later challenges. 
* Tyler is shown to enjoy the physical challenges thrown at him by Chef, much to the annoyance of Amy.
* Amy and Tyler's dynamic in the grave digging challenge is a direct reference to Pink and the Brain. 
* Throughout the episode, Amy, Dave, Shawn, and Topher serve as pain magnets.
* As revealed in his cadence, Chef Hatchet is a fan of the long-running sitcom Fraiser.
* Amy is revealed to carry eyeliner with her. She uses it to make a ruler using her and Tyler's wooden plank.
* Shawn reveals that Dave loves to drink tea.
* Alejandro reveals that he received the final Blaineley Bust from Tyler for an unknown reason. He then promises to tell Topher the story before giving it to him to use at the campfire ceremony.
* With Topher using the yellow Blaineley Bust, all three of them have officially been used. This leaves only the immunity idol in play.
* Had Topher not stolen Shawn's vote, he likely would have been the one eliminated instead of Dave had there been a tiebreaker challenge.
* At the end of this episode, before leaving on the boat of losers, Dave gives his stuffed teddy bear to Shawn, and the two vow to move in together. 
* Fang is now targeting Shawn after being beaten by him to rescue his boyfriend from being eaten by the shark. He secretly emerges from the water, watching Shawn as he says his goodbyes to Dave.
* This episode deliberately ends on a cliff hanger.