The Mask/Transcript

== Transcript ==
Scuba Diver: Got another one coming down, Mike.
Mike: Hang on a sec.
Stanley Ipkiss: I got those concert tickets you wanted.
Maggie: Oh, you're kidding. For Friday night? Stanley, this is great.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, yeah. So what time should I pick you up?
Maggie: Well, see, here's the thing, my very best girlfriend just came into town and I know she would die to go to this. So could we maybe get an extra ticket for her?
Stanley Ipkiss: Ooh. They're out. They're sold out. That means there's no more.
Maggie: Oh, well, I just can't let her sit home all alone.
Stanley Ipkiss: Look, I'll tell you what, why don't you just go with your friend?
Maggie: Stanley, I couldn't do that.
Stanley Ipkiss: No, come on.
Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy.
Stanley Ipkiss: Aah.
Maggie: Really, you are.
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah?
Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?
Charlie Schumaker: The best. Oh, that was the most sickening display I've ever seen.
Stanley Ipkiss: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.
Charlie Schumaker: Buddy, you know what you need? You need a little change of pace. Tonight, I'm gonna take you on a love safari, deep into the darkest heart of the urban jungle.
Stanley Ipkiss: Tell me more, bwana.
Charlie Schumaker: The Coco Bongo Club... hottest new joint in town. Only the crème de la crème need apply.
Stanley Ipkiss: So how do we get in?
Charlie Schumaker: What, are you kidding? Leave it to me. Trust me, buddy...
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah.
Charlie Schumaker: ...this is going to be the perfect night on the town.
Man: I don't have my umbrella!
Man #2: Hurry!
Charlie Schumaker: Hold the phone... killer at 3:00. Stand back and observe.
Tina Carlyle: Excuse me, where can I open a new account?
Charlie Schumaker: New accounts, right here. You know, you're lucky you caught me, I was just on my way out to a great...
Tina Carlyle: Could you hold this for me, please?
Charlie Schumaker: I will hold anything you want.
Tina Carlyle: Thank you. Can you help me?
Stanley Ipkiss: So... what kind of account do you have in mind?
Tina Carlyle: I'm not sure exactly. You see, I'm just terrible with things like that. That's an interesting tie, Mister...?
Stanley Ipkiss: Ipkiss, Stanley Ipkiss.
Tina Carlyle: Tina Carlyle. Pleased to meet you.
Stanley Ipkiss: The pleasure's all mine.
Tina Carlyle: May I?
Stanley Ipkiss: May you what?
Tina Carlyle: I'm such a mess.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, of course.
Tina Carlyle: Thanks.
Stanley Ipkiss: That's what they're there for.
Tina Carlyle: As I was saying about that tie, it kinda reminds me of one of those... what do you call it? Inkblot tests.
Stanley Ipkiss: A Rorschach test.
Tina Carlyle: Right. You know, it sort of looks like, hmm... a young woman riding bareback, sort of a... Lady Godiva or something.
Stanley Ipkiss: Of course.
Tina Carlyle: What do you see, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Hmm... I... I don't know. Uh... it... bright colors. It's... it's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel... powerful.
Tina Carlyle: Does it work?
Stanley Ipkiss: Now, hmm... how... how about that account, huh? Huh, we have several different plans... savings... checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking and CDs, T-bills. Or we could just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there. Now, I have some forms you'll have to fill out.
Dorian Tyrell: That's it, sweetheart. Now just a little bit to the right... beautiful. Hey, will you guys keep it down back there?!
Orlando: No problem.
Dorian Tyrell: So what do you think?
Freeze: Layout's not bad, but them motion detectors are a pain in the ass.
Dorian Tyrell: But you can pull this off, right?
Freeze: Hey, you talking to the doctor. I do have one question.
Dorian Tyrell: Which is?
Freeze: What does Niko have to say about all this?
Dorian Tyrell: Nothing. This ain't his grift, man.
Freeze: Get real, man. Everything is his grift. He owns you, he owns this club, he owns this whole stinking town.
Dorian Tyrell: Things change.
Freeze: You mess with Niko, you end up taking a dirt nap.
Dorian Tyrell: He's the only one who's napping. And I'm about to give him a serious wake-up call. But we need some cash, so first we take the bank, then we take Niko, and then, my friend, school is out... and this whole city is our playground.
Driver: Hey, bub, watch where you're going!
Stanley Ipkiss: Hello? Hello?
Burt: Hang on! Hang on! Don't get your panties in a twist, would ya?
Irv: Hey, Burt, what the hell is this?
Burt: Oh, I don't know. Uh, about 700 bucks, Irv. Now, what can I do for you, bub?
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm here for the Civic.
Irv: The brake drums are shot, and you need a new transmission.
Stanley Ipkiss: What? All I wanted was an oil change.
Burt: Well, you're lucky you caught these problems now before they cause you some serious trouble. Sign right here and press down hard.
Stanley Ipkiss: There's no price.
Burt: There will be.
Stanley Ipkiss: I don't have a car. I have to have a car tonight.
Burt: Irv!
Irv: Yo!
Burt: Bring around the loaner.
Irv: The loaner?
Stanley Ipkiss: The loaner?
Man #3: Eww!
Man #4: Nice.
Stanley Ipkiss: It's a classic. Hi. Charlie.
Charlie Schumaker: Stanley. Gals, I want you to meet my buddy Stanley Ipkiss, humongo in the banking business.
Stanley Ipkiss: Not really.
Charlie Schumaker: Hey, what do you say we get in this joint, huh? Yo, Bobby! How you doing, buddy? It's Charlie.
Bobby: Hey, Charlie, how ya doing?
Charlie Schumaker: How are ya?
Bobby: How ya doing, my friend?
Charlie Schumaker: Long time no see.
Bobby: Come on in.
Charlie Schumaker: Hey, good to see you. Okay then. Come on, gals, let's get going.
Stanley Ipkiss: See you on the inside. Ooh. Bobby? Uh, Charlie. Charlie! Charlie! It's a mistake.
Bobby: Hey, hey.
Stanley Ipkiss: Whoa!
Bobby: You crossed the rope. Never cross the rope.
Stanley Ipkiss: No, but my friends are on the inside...
Dorian Tyrell: Lose him.
Stanley Ipkiss: C'mon now, guys. Now this isn't fair. Hey, watch it, I'm a bleeder! You put me down right now, or I am never coming back here. Thanks. Aw, jeez.
Tina Carlyle: Mr. Ipkiss, hi.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hi.
Tina Carlyle: Are you okay?
Stanley Ipkiss: Me? Oh... I'm great. Really good. I just... I never felt better, really. I... I'm just... catching some air out here.
Parking Valet: Your car, sir.
Stanley Ipkiss: That's not my car.
Parking Valet: But it matches the ticket.
Stanley Ipkiss: All right. I'll take it. But I am very angry! You believe this? You drive in, in a Porsche...
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh gee! Ow! Oh, God! Hey, mister! Hold on! I know CPR.
Policeman: Hey, you! What are you doing down there?
Stanley Ipkiss: Huh... I'm just looking for... my mask! I got it!
Mrs. Peenman: Ipkiss! Do you have any idea what time it is?
Stanley Ipkiss: Actually, no.
Mrs. Peenman: My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss.
Stanley Ipkiss: You know, Mrs. Peenman...
Mrs. Peenman: What?!
Stanley Ipkiss: Nothing.
Mrs. Peenman: Well, that's what YOU ARE IPKISS! A BIG NOTHING!
Stanley Ipkiss: Aren't you due back at the laboratory to get your bolts tightened? I should've said that.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hey you, Milo, you know you're not supposed to jump up. It's against doggie ordinance. Okay.
Stanley Ipkiss: What? You want me to throw that? I'm very tired. Okay, I'll throw it one time. I ain't gonna throw it with you attached to it. You ready? Get it!
Mrs. Peenman: IPKISS! TURN DOWN THOSE CARTOONS!!!
Stanley Ipkiss: All right, Mrs. PeenMAAAN!
Wendy: So, Dr. Neuman, you're saying that everybody wears a mask?
Dr. Neuman: That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking. We suppress the id, our darkest desires, and adopt a more socially acceptable image.
Wendy: Well, the book is of course, "The Masks We Wear," by Dr. Arthur Neuman. Thank you so much for being with us today.
Stanley Ipkiss: What's the matter with you? What is it? What are you looking for, huh? You like this thing? You like it? "The Masks We Wear." "That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking." Yeah, right.
The Mask: Sssssssssmokin'! It's party time! P-a-r-t... y? Because I gotta!
The Mask: Snooooooooooze.
The Mask: Look, ma, I'm roadkill! Ha Ha Ha!
Driver: Hey! Get out of the road!
The Mask: I think he wants to communicate.
Horn: AAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAA
Thug Leader: Hey, mister! You got the time?
The Mask: As a matter of fact, I do, cubby.
Thug #1: You wanna take him?
Thug #2: I got him.
The Mask: LOOK AT THAT! It's exactly two seconds before, I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head. Come on!
Thug Leader: Come on, he's dead.
Thug #3: Kill him!
Thug #4: Come on, take him!
The Mask: Step right up here, don't be shy! Nobody likes a bashful leatherhead! MOVE IT!!!! For my first trick, I'm going to do something for you, son. We have a giraffe! There ya go, son. Now get outta here, Ya bother me.
Thug #2: Thanks.
Thug #3: Wow!
The Mask: Now... Sorry, wrong pocket. For you, son... a little body English, a French poodle. Sorry, son, the dog was rabid. Had to put it down. And last but not least, my favorite! A Tommy gun!
Thug Leader: Run!
The Mask: This is incredible... With these powers, I could be... A SUPERHERO! I could fight crime, protect the innocent, WORK FOR WORLD PEACE! But first...
The Mask: HOLD ON TO YOUR LUGNUTS IT'S.... TIIIIIIIIIIIME FOR AN OVERHAUL!!!
Stanley Ipkiss: It was a dream. It was a dream. I gotta lay off the cartoons.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Yes.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Lieutenant Kellaway, City Precinct. Do you know anything about the disturbance last night?
Stanley Ipkiss: Disturbance?
Lieutenant Kellaway: Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Stanley Ipkiss: Attacked?
Lieutenant Kellaway: You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of 20-ought buckshot five feet from your door.
Mrs. Peenman: Look at the floor! See that? He put that right in my floor, then he jumped out the window, officer!
Police Officer: Jumped right out the window?
Mrs. Peenman: Are you writing notes?
Stanley Ipkiss: This is... impossible.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.
Stanley Ipkiss: Uh, see, I have, uh... an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything.
Lieutenant Kellaway: That a fact?
Stanley Ipkiss: Eh?
Lieutenant Kellaway: Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night... anything at all... call me.
Stanley Ipkiss: You betcha. Thank you. And, good luck, huh... crackin' the case. Oh my God, I'm late! Keys. Keys. Where's the keys? Damn. Milo! Get the keys. Get 'em. Find 'em. Get the keys! Ow! Jeez. I am so late. Good boy. Good boy! Come on, boy. Give them to me. Drop it!
Burt: Easy! Watch that bump!
Paramedic: I want a proctologist standing by.
Man: What?
Paramedic: You heard me... the best one you can find.
Peggy Brandt: I'm with "The Evening Star." Can you tell me what happened here?
Lieutenant Kellaway: No and you can quote me.
Peggy Brandt: Well, it looks like some sort of mob tactic.
Lieutenant Kellaway: There it is, boys. She broke the case. Come on, get these rubbernecks out of here.
Policeman: Let's go.
Reporter: Wait, there's no... there's no...
Reporter #2: Officer, please...
Reporter #3: Can you tell us, sir, please?
Charlie Schumaker: Hey, Stan. Stan, Stan! Where were you last night? The girls and I were looking all over for you.
Stanley Ipkiss: Did you happen to look outside... in the gutter?
Charlie Schumaker: Hey, did you check the morning paper? Your girlfriend got a great review.
Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss, you're 40 minutes late. Now that's the same as stealing.
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm sorry, Mr. Dickey. It'll never happen again. I've been a jerk.
Mr. Dickey: Well, if you weren't busy ogling girlie pictures, you might actually get some work done around here.
Charlie Schumaker: Uh, sir, she's a prospective client of Stanley's.
Mr. Dickey: Oh, really? Well... the next time she comes in, you be sure to send her to my office.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, you betcha.
Charlie Schumaker: Gee, I wish my daddy owned a bank. Then I could be a rich little creep, too.
Stanley Ipkiss: You think she'll ever come back, Charlie?
Charlie Schumaker: Oh, man, forget her. Stanley, listen to me, a girl like that is always looking for the BBD... the bigger better deal.
Stanley Ipkiss: You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist. She's... she's sensitive.
Charlie Schumaker: Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear out your heart, put it in a blender, and hit "frappé." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth, somebody with some integrity, somebody with... red hair and full pouting lips, a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.
Stanley Ipkiss: Boy, you really narrowed it down.
Charlie Schumaker: Too bad she's already taken. Hello there. May I be of some assistance?
Peggy Brandt: Stanley Ipkiss? Oh, hi. I'm Peggy Brandt from "The Tribune."
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, hi. Look, I canceled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from...
Peggy Brandt: Oh, no, no. Actually, I just want to ask you a few questions.
Stanley Ipkiss: Really? About what?
Peggy Brandt: Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you?
Stanley Ipkiss: Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they pollute.
Peggy Brandt: You don't own an '89 Civic?
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, that car, yeah. Hmm. Uh, yeah. It's all coming back to me. Miss... what'd you say your name was?
Peggy Brandt: Peggy Brandt.
Stanley Ipkiss: Wait a minute... Peggy Brandt? Of "Ask Peggy"?
Peggy Brandt: Yeah, that's right.
Stanley Ipkiss: You printed one of my letters last year. Remember? "Nice guys finish last."
Peggy Brandt: You're Mr. Nice Guy?
Stanley Ipkiss: Yes!
Peggy Brandt: Oh, Stanley, do you realize how much mail we got about that letter? I mean, there are literally hundreds of women out there looking for a guy just like you.
Stanley Ipkiss: Really?
Peggy Brandt: Yeah. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.
Stanley Ipkiss: So, why are you covering this story?
Peggy Brandt: Because "Dear Peggy" pays dick.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh.
Peggy Brandt: I'm starving to death. I'm looking to become a real reporter. Look, Stanley, when you were at Ripley Auto, did you see anything suspicious? Anything at all? I won't make trouble for you. I just want the truth.
Stanley Ipkiss: God, I wish I knew the truth, you know? I really do. No.
Peggy Brandt: Well, if you think of anything, this is my number. This is my... you know, personal number.
Stanley Ipkiss: You really think hundreds of women are looking for a guy like me?
Peggy Brandt: Sure. I'm one of 'em. I mean... Bye.
Niko's Golf Game: 120 yards.
Niko: Hello, Dorian. Thanks for dropping by.
Dorian Tyrell: Yeah, well, next time why don't you call, all right? Leave the delivery boys at home. What the...
Niko: The cops, uh... tried to shut the club down this morning. They say you've been using the place to run your own small-time scams. I hear things like that, I start losing my concentration. And my game, it goes straight to hell. You could too.
Niko's Golf Game: 205 yards.
Niko: I'm fed up with you, Dorian, but I'm going to cut you a break... one week to get out of town. After that... I'll use your empty little skull to break in my new nine-iron.
Tina Carlyle: Mr. Ipkiss. Hi.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hi.
Tina Carlyle: You okay?
Parking Valet: Your car, sir.
Stanley Ipkiss: I am now. Tina, come on. We can't. Milo! Oh, come on. I don't believe it. Stupid. She would never... No way.
The Mask: Hold on, sugar, Daddy's got a SWEET TOOTH TONIGHT! HAHAHA! OOOoooohhh SSSSSomebody stop meh! Uh oh. Can't make the scene if you don't have the green... I better make a little stop.
Dorian Tyrell: How's it going, Freeze?
Freeze: It's lookin' good here, my man.
Dorian Tyrell: Okay, you boys are on your own now. I got to get downstairs and make sure I'm seen.
Freeze: Do it. The doctor is about to operate.
The Mask: Sorry, fellas. Waste not, want not. ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
Eddy: Cops!
Man: I have a reservation. Come on, dude.
Bobby: If you're not on the list, you're not in the club, all right?
People: Wow!
The Mask: How do?
Woman: Wow!
Man: Wow... oh!
Bobby: Huh, are you on the list?
The Mask: Nooooooooo, but I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them... Franklin, Grant and.... Jackson.
Bobby: Okay, that's it, nobody's getting in!
Announcer: And now we present to you the most beautiful flower of the Coco Bongo, Miss Tina Carlyle.
Dorian Tyrell: Beautiful.
Tina Carlyle: [singing] Love makes me treat you, The way that I do, Gee, baby, Ain't I good to you? There's nothing too good, For a boy that's so true, Gee, baby, Ain't I good to you? I bought you a fur coat for Christmas, A diamond ring, A Cadillac car and everything, Love makes me treat you, The way that I do, Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? Love makes me treat you, The way that I do, Gee, baby, Ain't I good to you? There's nothin' too good, For a man so true, Gee, honey, Ain't I good to you? I know how to make a good man happy, I treat you right, With lotsa love and just a...
Dorian Tyrell: What the hell are you doing here?
Eddy: We got trouble. You'd better come upstairs.
Tina Carlyle: [singing] Love makes me treat you the way that I do
Dorian Tyrell: Come on, let's go.
Tina Carlyle: [singing] Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? They got me paying taxes, For what I gave to you, Gee, baby, ain't I good to you?
The Mask: LETS ROCK THIS JOINT!!
The Mask: Sssssmokin'!
Dorian Tyrell: Aw, man, what happened?
Freeze: Somebody hit the joint before we could.
Dorian Tyrell: Here, Doc. Here you go, buddy. Suck on that. Son of a bitch! Eddie, who did this, man? Who?
Eddy: Him. Him! That's... that's the guy.
Dorian Tyrell: That guy dancing with Tina? He's dead meat. Come on.
Dorian Tyrell: I want this place cleared right now!
The Mask: Hello!
Eddy: Club's closed. Move it! You think I'm joking?! Come on! Move it!
Henchman: Party's over! Everyone, let's go!
Dorian Tyrell: Tina, get out of here.
Henchman: Come on, now. Party's over.
Dorian Tyrell: Get lost!
Henchman: Let's go.
Dorian Tyrell: Okay, twinkle toes, I want to know where my money is, and I want to know right now!
The Mask: Okay. You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the nine, divide by the gross national product. Fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible.
Dorian Tyrell: Ice this deadbeat! Shoot him!
The Mask: TORO! Hai Hai Hai Hai! Thank you very much. Ya got me, partner.
The Mask: Hold me close, Red. I I I I I it's gettin' dark. Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out. Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas. Tell Scarlet I DO give a damn. Pardon me.
The Mask: Thank you! You love me. You really love me!
Dorian Tyrell: You're not goin' anywhere.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Drop it, Tyrell!
Dorian Tyrell: Hey, Kellaway.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Drop it!
Dorian Tyrell: All right. So you got a warrant this time, or you just stop by for a nightcap?
Lieutenant Kellaway: What I got is probable cause. Couple of your boys were spotted knocking over Edge City Bank.
Dorian Tyrell: Easy, junior, you're giving me a woody here.
Lieutenant Kellaway: And one of 'em was wearing a big green mask.
Dorian Tyrell: You know, for once, Kellaway, you're right. Except it wasn't one of my boys. Maybe if you tried a little actual police work...
Lieutenant Kellaway: Cuff him.
Policeman: Hey, Lieutenant, we got a stiff upstairs. It's one of the guys from the heist.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Better call that high-priced lawyer of yours, Tyrell. You and I are going downtown for a little chat. Get him outta here! Ipkiss.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss, I know you're in there. Police!
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh my...
Lieutenant Kellaway: Open up.
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh my God!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss, I know you're in there! Open up! Come on, I'm getting blisters on my fingers.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hey, Milo, no, no! No, no, no. No! No, no! Stop it! I'm coming! Okay, I'm coming! I'll be right there.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Let's go, Ipkiss! Move it!
Stanley Ipkiss: All right! Hi, lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now... I just... won't you come in?
Lieutenant Kellaway: Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Here mostly. Is something wrong?
Lieutenant Kellaway: What do you know about this "Mask" character?
Stanley Ipkiss: Mask?!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs the bank you work in, and then I find this in the Coco Bongo. There can't be two idiots with pajamas like these.
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo, no!
Lieutenant Kellaway: May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Stanley Ipkiss: Those pajamas? Those... those huh... those pajamas were... stolen.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Somebody stole your pajamas?
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah. I mean, huh, what is, huh... what is this city coming to, when, when huh... when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?
Doyle: Wow, look at that guy. Nobody's that fast at my bank.
Lieutenant Kellaway: I'll say.
Doyle: I don't know, boss, that's one hell of a rubber mask.
Lieutenant Kellaway: What do the lab reports say?
Doyle: Well, we got some fingerprints on some of the currency, but nothing matches Tyrell's men. Looks like this guy beat 'em to the punch.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Get the bank employee files and run down the prints on a guy named Ipkiss, Stanley Ipkiss.
Doyle: You figure it was an inside job, huh?
Lieutenant Kellaway: That's right, and all I need is a couple of prints to lock this whack job up till doomsday.
Dorian Tyrell: 50 grand. 50 grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a bitch before the cops do. I want you to get the word out to every street hustler, to every lowlife in this town. You understand? I want him here tomorrow, alive. You're still here? Come on, let's go! What are you lookin' at?
Tina Carlyle: You. You're losing it, Dorian.
Dorian Tyrell: Oh, no, I'm not losing anything... except maybe some extra baggage around here.
Tina Carlyle: What is that supposed to mean?
Dorian Tyrell: You know, you weren't putting up much of a fight with that freak show last night, when he tried to kiss you.
Tina Carlyle: Did it look like, I had much of a choice?
Dorian Tyrell: Maybe you did... maybe you didn't. Who knows, right? I'll tell you one thing, it's going to be payback for anybody who crosses me.
Mr. Dickey: Ipkiss! We have a crisis on our hands here, and you stroll in over an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior...
Stanley Ipkiss: Back off, monkey boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS, and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club Fed!
Mr. Dickey: That'll be all, Ipkiss.
Charlie Schumaker: Genius. That was genius. Buddy, I have chills. God! What side of whose bed did you wake up on, man?
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm not sure. I haven't exactly been myself lately.
Charlie Schumaker: Well, you don't look real fabulous, Stan.
Stanley Ipkiss: Really? Do I look bad?
Charlie Schumaker: Aw, not to worry. This will put the color back in your cheeks, my friend. Two tickets to the charity ball at the Coco Bongo Club this Saturday night. Anybody who's anybody will be there. Want to be my date?
Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know, Charlie, I... Wait just a minute. Tina, what are you doing here?
Tina Carlyle: I just wanted to thank you, but, hmm... I'm not sure if I'm gonna have much to open an account with anymore.
Stanley Ipkiss: What about the club? I thought you were doing great.
Tina Carlyle: Look, it's not your problem. I'll be okay.
Stanley Ipkiss: Tina, come here. You didn't stop by just to see me, did you? It's okay, tell me.
Tina Carlyle: The guy they say robbed this place...
Stanley Ipkiss: The Mask?
Tina Carlyle: I think he was at the club last night.
Stanley Ipkiss: Really? They say he's pretty... weird looking.
Tina Carlyle: Yeah, but... you ought to see him dance. So did anyone find out who he is?
Stanley Ipkiss: Why, are you interested?
Tina Carlyle: Just curious, I guess. Well, I better be going. Thanks for everything, Stanley.
Stanley Ipkiss: You'd like to see him again, wouldn't you?
Tina Carlyle: I hmm... wouldn't mind.
Stanley Ipkiss: I know him, you know?
Tina Carlyle: You do?
Stanley Ipkiss: We're old college buddies, him and me. Yeah, it's funny you should mention the way he dances because... I taught him a couple of dance moves myself.
Tina Carlyle: Do you think you could have him meet me tonight?
Stanley Ipkiss: I might be able to work something out.
Tina Carlyle: How about at Landfill Park?
Stanley Ipkiss: Okay. Sunset?
Tina Carlyle: Perfect.
Stanley Ipkiss: Super.
Tina Carlyle: Thanks, Stanley. You really are a nice guy.
Dr. Neuman: This is an interesting piece, Mr. Ipkiss. Looks like fourth or fifth century Scandinavian, possibly a representation of one of the Norse night gods... maybe Loki.
Stanley Ipkiss: Loki? Who's Loki?
Dr. Neuman: The Norse god of mischief. Supposedly he caused so much trouble, that Odin banished him from Valhalla forever.
Stanley Ipkiss: Then he could've banished him into that mask.
Dr. Neuman: I'm talking about mythology, Mr. Ipkiss. This is a piece of wood.
Stanley Ipkiss: But your book!
Dr. Neuman: My book is about masks as metaphor, Mr. Ipkiss. A metaphor... not to be taken literally. You're suffering from mild delusion.
Stanley Ipkiss: All right. I'm going to prove it to you. But I am not responsible for the consequences. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Mr. Expert.
Dr. Neuman: You don't scare me, Mr. Ipkiss. Go right ahead.
Stanley Ipkiss: See ya. Okay! You said Loki was a night god. Maybe it only works at night.
Dr. Neuman: Mr. Ipkiss, I feel I should warn you, that I don't work personally with really sick people. There are private institutions for things like that. However, if you would like me to arrange for a safe environment for you tonight, I can do that.
Stanley Ipkiss: No. I've got to see Tina. But what do I do? I mean, do I go as myself or The Mask?
Dr. Neuman: If I tell you, you promise to leave my office right now? All right. Mr. Ipkiss, go as yourself and as The Mask, because they are both one and the same beautiful person.
Policewoman: [on speakers] Got the cross-check on the fingerprints for you. It's Ipkiss, all right.
Lieutenant Kellaway: I'm looking at him. Just keep the SWAT team standing by. If this guy's half as bad as he's supposed to be, we're gonna have a full dance card.
Doyle: Do you have the pickle relish?
Lieutenant Kellaway: Doyle, get in the car.
Doyle: But I ordered onion rings.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Doyle!
Stanley Ipkiss: No, no.
Tina Carlyle: Stanley, what are you doing here?
Stanley Ipkiss: Tina, hi. Uh, I... I just wanted to come by and make sure that you two got together all right.
Tina Carlyle: Hmm, that's nice. You know, I hardly ever stop by here. It's kind of hard to believe it was just a garbage heap.
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah, it's huh... it's huh... it's... really beautiful right around sunset. The methane emissions really pick up the colors.
Tina Carlyle: Wow... all those pinks and greens.
Stanley Ipkiss: My friend'll be along here any minute... I better go.
Tina Carlyle: Stanley, wait. Stanley? Stanley!
The Mask: Hello, Chérie, we meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars, that we are destined to fraternize? I'd like to think so! HA HA HA! Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pitié. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise! She is so coy.... I L O V E I T ! ! ! Our love is like a red, red rose, and I am a little thorny. Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Je te window, I don't care! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Lieutenant Kellaway: This is Kellaway. I need backup, and I need it now.
The Mask: Cigarette? No? Now, like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss, police!
The Mask: M e r d e !
Lieutenant Kellaway: Freeze! Put your hands up.
The Mask: But you told me to freeze.
Lieutenant Kellaway: All right, all right, unfreeze. You're under arrest.
The Mask: No! It wasn't me. It was the one-armed man. All right, I confess. I did it, ya hear? And I'm GLAD, GLAD I TELL YA! What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? What are they gonna do?!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Sorry, son, that's not my department. Search him.
The Mask: Ow! Where's a camcorder when you need one?
Murray: Well, looks like it's gonna be a long night. My wife's gonna kill me.
Peggy Brandt: What is it, Murray?
Murray: Cops got your pal Ipkiss staked out at Landfill Park.
Peggy Brandt: Let me cover it, Murray. I really need this story. And then... then you can go home to Claire.
Murray: Oh, I don't know, Peggy. Ramsey said...
Peggy Brandt: I will take care of Ramsey. Thanks a million. I owe you one.
Doyle: Really big sunglasses.
Park Policeman: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small-mouth bass.
The Mask: WOW!
Park Policeman: Bowling pin.
Doyle: Mousetrap.
Park Policeman: Rubber chicken.
The Mask: Little to the left. That's it.
Doyle: I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses.
The Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park Policeman: Bazooka.
The Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle: Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant Kellaway: What?
The Mask: Uh-oh.
Lieutenant Kellaway: MARGARET! You son of a BITCH!
The Mask: Jeez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all... YOU MARRIED HER! That's got to hurt.
Lieutenant Kellaway: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
The Mask: That's Gotta hurt. ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
Lieutenant Kellaway: Get him! Doyle?!
Policeman: [speaking on megaphone] It's all over, Ipkiss! Put your hands over your head, or we'll open fire.
The Mask: Hit it!
The Mask: [singing] They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rumba beat, When I play the maracas I go chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom. Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete, I'm the crazy man in the street, when I start to dance, everything goes Chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom. The señoritas, they singin', and they swing with their lumbero. It's very nice, so full of spice, and when they dance and they bring a happy ring without a care-o, singin' a song all the day long... So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete, and I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom.
Policewoman: [singing] He's a really modest guy, Although he's the hottest guy, In Havana, In Havana.
The Mask: [singing] Si, señorita, I know that you would like a chicky-boom, chick.
Policemen: [singing] It's very nice, so full of spice.
The Mask: [singing] I place my hand on your hip and if you will just give me your hand. Then we shall try, just you and I, Aye aye aye!
Policemen: Oy!
The Mask: [singing] If you like the beat...
Doyle: He's not bad.
Lieutenant Kellaway: SHUT UP AND HELP ME DOWN!
Doyle: All right.
The Mask: [singing] And I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom, Chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom. What's the matter with the daddy today?
Lieutenant Kellaway: You start dancing, I'll blow your brains out. Give me that thing!
The Mask: [singing] Shake your booty, Daddy, wow! See ya.
Lieutenant Kellaway: There he is! Let's get him! Snap out of it! Come on, this dance is over! Let's go. Follow me, Officer! He's down the alley! Follow me! Come on, grab your gun!
The Mask: æææææææææ.
Peggy Brandt: Stanley! Stanley, get in!
Lieutenant Kellaway: There he is! Halt or I'll shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Peggy Brandt: Seat belts.
Doyle: I missed him.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Come on! We all missed him.
Peggy Brandt: I saw it. I saw everything. What's happening to you, Stanley?
Stanley Ipkiss: It's crazy. I'm losing control. When I put that mask on, I can do anything, be anything. But it's wrecking my life. My life is wrecked. Wrecked. Wrecked!
Peggy Brandt: Look, I don't know what's happening to you, Stanley... but I do know this. That letter that you sent my column? That was from a guy with more guts... and more heart, than any of the creeps that I've met in this city. Whatever that mask is, you don't need it. You, Stanley Ipkiss, are already all you'll ever need to be.
Stanley Ipkiss: Gosh, Peg... do you really mean that?
Peggy Brandt: Actually... no.
Stanley Ipkiss: ...Wut?
Peggy Brandt: What took you guys so long? I've been vamping here for 20 minutes.
Dorian Tyrell: Is this him?
Peggy Brandt: You got the 50 thou?
Dorian Tyrell: Give her the money.
Peggy Brandt: Right. When he puts on the mask, he turns into that green thingamajig.
Stanley Ipkiss: Peggy. What are you doing?
Peggy Brandt: Sorry, Stanley. You really are a great guy, I just can't lose my condo. You know how hard it is to find an apartment in this city. You said you wouldn't hurt him.
Dorian Tyrell: I lied. Stanley!
Stanley Ipkiss: What? Hey. Hey!
Dorian Tyrell: Tell me, how does this mask work?
Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know. You just... put it on.
Eddy: Boss, you'd better be careful, huh?
Dorian Tyrell: What a rush!
Eddy: Wow, boss. You okay?
Dorian Tyrell: Better than ever, you idiot.
Eddy: What do we do with Ipkiss?
Dorian Tyrell: The police are looking for The Mask. So we'll give them The Mask.
Eddy: Money better be here, Ipkiss, or you can Ipkiss your ass goodbye.
Henchman: Hey, Orlando.
Orlando: Get over.
Lieutenant Kellaway: I still can't believe it. Hardened cops dancing in the street, and broadcast all over the 11:00 news.
Doyle: The SWAT team got an offer to open in Vegas.
Lieutenant Kellaway: I'm history. The captain's gonna have my badge for breakfast, with a little pension on top.
Doyle: Aw, come on, Lieutenant, it's not all your fault. Something will turn up.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Sure, Stanley Ipkiss is gonna fall right into my lap. God, get him off! Get him off!
Doyle: Come on.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss!
Stanley Ipkiss: Wait! I can explain everything.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Oh yeah? You can explain everything? Explain this.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hmm...
Lieutenant Kellaway: Get him up! Come on, let's go. I got a cell for you, pal.
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo. You better forget about me, buddy. Find yourself a new place to live. Looks like I'm going to be in here for a long, long time.
Guard: Hey you, with the face... you got a visitor.
Stanley Ipkiss: Tina.
Tina Carlyle: Hello, Stanley.
Stanley Ipkiss: What are you doing here?
Tina Carlyle: Is it true? You're The Mask.
Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah, but don't tell anybody. If I get a good lawyer and strike up a deal, I can be out of here in about 10,000 years. You're taking a chance coming here. Your boyfriend might be a little upset.
Tina Carlyle: He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible.
Stanley Ipkiss: Like what? The lambada?
Tina Carlyle: Stanley, this is serious. There's got to be a way to stop him. How does it work?
Stanley Ipkiss: I don't know. It... it's like, huh... it's like it... it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down inside, you're... a little repressed and a hopeless romantic, you become some sort of a love-crazy wild man.
Tina Carlyle: And if you're somebody like Dorian?
Stanley Ipkiss: Then we're all in big trouble. And if I were you, I'd get out of town fast.
Tina Carlyle: Thanks.
Stanley Ipkiss: For what?
Tina Carlyle: Lots of things. For sharing a sunset with me. For being the only guy who treated me like a person, and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic... even a hopeless one.
Stanley Ipkiss: You're welcome.
Tina Carlyle: You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special.
Stanley Ipkiss: The Mask.
Tina Carlyle: No. It was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along. You, Stanley... Ip... kiss.
Guard: Okay, lady, time's up!
Stanley Ipkiss: Could I have just one more minute?
Tina Carlyle: I've got to disappear for a while now, Stanley. I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I'll let you know as soon as I can.
Tina Carlyle: Somebody help me!
Stanley Ipkiss: Oh, no. No! Guard! Guard! Guard! There's a woman being chased through the alleyway there. Come on, she needs help.
Guard: Yeah, yeah, sure. Keep it down, Ipkiss.
Stanley Ipkiss: Come on! Serve and protect, man! Milo. Milo? Milo, good boy. Come on, come on. Jump up. Come on. Can you jump up? Remember how I taught you not to jump up on people? Forget all that. Okay, come on. Come on! Get up here! Get up here! Get up, get up here. That's it. You can do it. Come on. Come on! Come on. Come on. Milo, put some effort into it!
Dorian Tyrell: Baby, there you are. I was beginning to get all worried about you. Have a nice little talk with the cops?
Tina Carlyle: I just went to see what Ipkiss told them.
Dorian Tyrell: Oh, that's right, you and Stanley, right? You two are getting awfully close. Maybe it was you who helped him out with the bank job, huh?
Tina Carlyle: That's ridiculous.
Dorian Tyrell: Oh, is it?
Orlando: Look what I found in her car.
Dorian Tyrell: You planning a little trip without me, baby?
Tina Carlyle: No, Dorian.
Dorian Tyrell: No? Boys, I want you to... pick her out something pretty to wear, okay? 'Cause we're gonna go to a party tonight, and we're gonna have one hell of a time, aren't we?
Tina Carlyle: Yes.
Dorian Tyrell: Yes. Get out of my sight.
Stanley Ipkiss: Jump up. Get up. Come on. Come on, Milo, Jump, please. Do it for Daddy. That's it! Oh! Come here. I can't believe it. I can't believe you did that. Oh, good boy. Good boy. Good boy. Okay... see that man over there? He's got keys. Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get 'em. Go get the keys. Go get 'em. That's it. Yeah. Okay, get the ke... No, not... not the cheese, the keys. Put the cheese down... and get the keys. Go on. Over there. Over there. Shh. Yeah! Oh, come on. Come here. Good boy. That's a good boy. Good boy, yes. Oh, give it, give it. Give me the keys. Give me the keys, come on. Come on. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it!
Dorian Tyrell: It's sundown. It's almost time. Oh... I wouldn't do that, darling. Wouldn't want to start the celebration early, would you?
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo. Hold it! I am warning you, I'm... seriously stressed out here.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Easy, Ipkiss.
Stanley Ipkiss: Come on.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Now don't be an idiot. You're in the middle of a police station. There is no way you're walking out of here like this.
Stanley Ipkiss: You know, you're right. You're absolutely right.
Lieutenant Kellaway: What the hell are you doing?
Stanley Ipkiss: You're going to take me out as your prisoner. Put it on. Put it on! Ow! Come on. I'm really very sorry about this.
Lieutenant Kellaway: I'm sure.
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo. Got the wrong guy, I tell you. It's a bum rap. I got my rights.
Doyle: Hey, Lieutenant. Where are you taking Ipkiss?
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ixnay. He's otgay an ungay. Ow!
Doyle: Oh, I get it. Pig latin, right? Eesay ouyay aterlay.
Stanley Ipkiss: Come on!
Dorian Tyrell: Why don't you just sit back and relax, okay? I've got to change for the party.
Charlie Schumaker: I need a pack of cigarettes.
Woman: Which brand, sir?
Charlie Schumaker: Ah, it doesn't matter. I don't smoke. But for you, I would shoot the Surgeon General.
Reporter: Mayor Tilton, may we have a word with you?
Mayor Tilton: Well, I always have time for the press and my loyal constituents.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Let me out of these cuffs, Ipkiss. You're driving like a maniac.
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm sorry, we're already late for the ball.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Right, Alice and the White Rabbit are gonna be really disappointed.
Stanley Ipkiss: Now you're being cynical.
Niko: Who the hell are you?
Dorian Tyrell: I'm just an ex-employee, who's come for his back pay... or should I say payback?
Niko: Dorian?
Dorian Tyrell: Kill him. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen... I will be your host, for the remainder of the evening.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Ipkiss, get your dog away from me.
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm sorry, he seems to be attracted to you.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Wait a minute, where is everybody? Something's not kosher here.
Stanley Ipkiss: Exactly!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Watch it!
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm sorry. Okay, I'm gonna have to lock you in. Use the radio.
Lieutenant Kellaway: What?
Stanley Ipkiss: You know, call for backup or something. Milo, this could be dangerous. You stay here and be a good boy. Daddy's gonna to have to go kick some ass.
Lieutenant Kellaway: He's a dead man.
Henchman: Down! Get down!
Henchman #2: Go!
Henchman #3: Come on, come on. I ain't got all day.
Henchman #4: Line up over here!
Charlie Schumaker: Take it easy. I got the point.
Dorian Tyrell: Blow it!
Tina Carlyle: Bastard!
Dorian Tyrell: What's the matter, darling? This is your big production number. And you know, it's important to go out with a big bang!
Stanley Ipkiss: Charlie!
Charlie Schumaker: What are you doing here?
Stanley Ipkiss: Look, take this gun. Start sneaking people out the back.
Charlie Schumaker: Right.
Henchman #5: You two, step back.
Mayor Tilton: You don't you know who you're talking to, do you?
Henchman #5: I'm talking to a dead man, if you don't step back like I said.
Mrs. Peenman: Hey, don't you have respect for law and order? What kind of thug are you, huh?
Eddy: It's all set, Dorian.
Dorian Tyrell: Excellent. This party's over... in ten minutes.
Stanley Ipkiss: This is the moment of truth, when a man shows what he's really made of. Crap.
Orlando: Drop it, Ipkiss.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Smart dog.
Orlando: Hey, boss, look who decided to crash the party.
Stanley Ipkiss: Hi, Dorian, how's it going?
Dorian Tyrell: Bring him up here!
Tina Carlyle: Dorian! Dorian, wait, no!
Dorian Tyrell: There's no time for last requests.
Tina Carlyle: But all I wanted was a kiss.
Dorian Tyrell: A kiss?
Tina Carlyle: Just one last kiss.
Eddy: Dorian, I can't shut this thing off.
Dorian Tyrell: There's always time... for one last kiss...
Tina Carlyle: No! From the real Dorian, the one I used to love. Nobody ever kissed me, like Dorian Tyrell.
Eddy: Romeo, this whole place is going to blow in a couple of minutes!
Dorian Tyrell: J U S T W A I T !!! I've decided... to give her one last thrill. Get it!
Stanley Ipkiss: Run, Milo!
Henchman: I got him... oh!
Tina Carlyle: Stanley, hurry!
Stanley Ipkiss: Don't worry, Tina, it's all over now.
Tina Carlyle: Stanley!
Eddy: Gotcha.
Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart.
Stanley Ipkiss: Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory, with one friggin' eye!
Eddy: Aw, shucks! Good doggy. Shh. Good doggy.
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm winning.
Tina Carlyle: Stanley! Stanley!
Stanley Ipkiss: Yes!
Orlando: Get off me!
Stanley Ipkiss: Milo! Oh my God. This has gotta to be a new breed. Oh, easy, boy. Good boy.
The Mask: Did you miss me? I GUESS NOT! Now, you have to ask yourself one question... "Do I feel lucky?" Well... DO YA.... PUNKS?
Tina Carlyle: Stanley!
The Mask: That's a spicy meatball! [releases Tina] How do? [sees Dorian] This guy's incorrigible.
The Mask: You were good, kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?
Policeman: Police! Hands up!
Policeman #2: All right, hold it right there.
Policeman #3: Get 'em up!
Charlie Schumaker: Officers, arrest those men. I always wanted to say that.
Stanley Ipkiss: Come on.
Policeman #4: Drop it!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Give me that gun.
Mrs. Peenman: They stole all my jewelry. You take me down to headquarters...
Lieutenant Kellaway: Stop that man! Ipkiss! I've got you now, Ipkiss. Watch it, chunky. Mayor Tilton, I'm so...
Mayor Tilton: What the hell's wrong with you, Kellaway?
Lieutenant Kellaway: That man is The Mask.
Mayor Tilton: No, Dorian Tyrell was The Mask. I saw it with my own eyes. This young man here just saved our lives.
Charlie Schumaker: With a little help from his friends.
Doyle: Oh, you're a real hero.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Doyle!
Stanley Ipkiss: Well, it's nothing... any American with balls of steel, wouldn't do for his community. Milo, come on!
Lieutenant Kellaway: Hey, wait, that dog... Mayor Tilton, did you see that dog?
Mayor Tilton: Leave the dog alone. I want to see you in my office, first thing tomorrow morning.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Yes, Your Honor.
Doyle: Boy, that doesn't sound good at all.
Lieutenant Kellaway: No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?
Doyle: Breakfast.
Lieutenant Kellaway: Shut up!
Charlie Schumaker: You sure you know what you're doing, buddy?
Stanley Ipkiss: I'm sure.
Charlie Schumaker: Then do what you got to do.
Stanley Ipkiss: Sure you're not going to miss this guy? When he's gone, all that's left is me.
Charlie Schumaker: Milo!
Stanley Ipkiss: Smokin'!
Category:Transcripts
Category:New Line Cinema Transcripts