Transcript:The Prince of Iorden, Part 2

EPISODE TWO:
 EXT. DEEP, DARK WOODS - EARLY EVENING
 NARRATOR
 It was a little before dusk when Jen began to stir. She
 was the first of the three to come to, as they had all
 suffered quite a fall, you remember. She sat up,
 bruised in places she didn’t realize could bruise.
 JEN
 Billy?...Hey, Billy?
 NELSON
 [GROANS]
 JEN
 Oh. Nelson...
 NELSON
 Are you okay?
 JEN
 Where the hell are we?
 NELSON
 From the looks of it, a wooded area in a northern
 temperate zone.
 JEN
 These trees are so pretty...
 BILLY
 [GROANS LOUDLY]
 JEN Billy?
 BILLY
 Did we win, coach?
 JEN
 Billy, wake up.
 BILLY
 (GROGGY)
 Shit. You okay, babe?
 JEN
 I don’t think I’m hurt, but where are we? What’s the
 last thing you remember?
 NELSON
 (THOUGHTLESSLY)
 Your buttocks.
 NARRATOR
 Billy, taking this as a personal slight, found it in
 himself to throw a handful of dirt in Nelson’s general
 direction while remaining prone.
 BILLY
 Kowalski. I remember being in detention with Dennis
 Kowalski. That freak musta slipped us something.
 JEN
 The sun’s still up, so I don’t think we’ve been out
 that long.
 NELSON
 Darn! What time is it?
 JEN
 Going by the sun, it can’t be much past 6, can it?
 NELSON
 No no no no no. I missed the raid. My guild will be
 furious. They might kick me out!
 NARRATOR
 Billy dragged himself to his feet.
 BILLY
 Don’t worry, Jen, I used to go hunting with my uncle.
 Now the sun’s setting that way...And the moss is
 growing that way...Which means...wait...
 JEN
 I don’t know if you can go by that. I think we read in
 bio class about lots of things determining moss growth.
 Didn’t we?
 BILLY
 Be quiet, Jenny. I need to think...Okay, so what
 direction from school are the woods?
 NELSON
 All of them. We’re from NEPA.
 BILLY
 Right. All of them.
 JEN [STARTLED GASP]
 BILLY
 Jen, wha--
 JEN
 Shhhhhhhhhh!
 JEN
 (WHISPERS)
 Did you guys feel anything?
 NARRATOR
 Billy and Nelson shook their heads "no." They all sat
 in silence, for several long seconds, as Jen collected
 herself.
 JEN
 I coulda sworn this log just moved.
 BILLY
 Don’t be silly, babe. You’re just--
 NARRATOR
 --Jen was lifted into the air and thrown down by the
 log, which, if you hadn’t guessed, was in fact a
 massive serpent with skin like tree bark.
 The three young travelers looked up, petrified, as the
 beast poised to strike, when suddenly, there was a wet
 thud. An arrow had embedded itself very deep into the
 serpent’s eye. The creature, to its credit, managed to
 continue resembling a tree trunk as it crashed to the
 ground, stiff and dead.
 JEN [SOBS HYSTERICALLY]
 BILLY
 Holy shit.
 (TO JEN)
 We’re alright, babe.
 JEN
 (THROUGH TEARS)
 What the hell was that thing!?
 NELSON
 Maybe we’re in New Jersey.
 (YLLOWYYN HAS A WASP-Y TWANG TO HIS VOICE.)
 What are you doing out here?
 NARRATOR
 Bounding down from the trees, bow in hand, came an elf.
 If you’ve never seen an elf on the hunt, the best I can
 do by way of description is to ask you to imagine the
 speed, grace, and strength of a panther were somehow
 transferred into a man-shaped body. Like all elves, he
 had pale skin. His long, blonde hair was tied into
 several beaded braids, as was fashionable at the time
 for adolescent elves.
 YLLOWYYN
 What are you doing out here? And what in Selbirin are
 you wearing?
 NARRATOR
 At 173 years old, this elf, who was called ’Yllowyyn,’
 was at a particularly obnoxious stage of elvish
 adolescence.
 YLLOWYYN
 I’ve been out here for three days tracking that kill.
 You nearly scared her off.
 NELSON
 Wow...this is the best cosplay I’ve ever seen! I can’t
 even see the seams on your ears. Are those latex or
 polystyrene?
 YLLOWYYN
 ...Yes, well...
 (RE: THE SERPENT)
 All’s well that ends well, I suppose. She’ll still make
 a suitable trophy.
 NARRATOR
 He knelt by the head of the snake and unsheathed a
 golden hunting knife of elven design. As Billy pulled
 Jen aside for a private conversation, Nelson noticed
 the ornate carvings on Yllowyyn’s bow.
 NELSON
 That bow is SO EPIC. Where’s it from?
 YLLOWYYN
 (ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?)
 The Sacred Wood of the White Forest.
 NELSON
 Is that that kiosk at the mall in Scranton?
 NARRATOR
 Yllowyyn began to saw through the neck of the serpent
 with his knife. Now, at the time, Yllowyyn was serving
 NARRATOR (cont’d)
 as Kalth’yr to House Guernatal. (Kalth’yr was what
 elves called an advisor; many young elves were keen to
 acquire these positions, as they made one’s petition
 for membership in the Elven High Council much more
 attractive.) This fact will become relevant to our tale
 soon enough.
 JEN
 (WHISPERS)
 So what’s your read on this guy? Is he like a psycho,
 or what?
 BILLY
 (WHISPERS)
 Nah, he’s one of these backwoods survivalists. They’re
 not all bad, just a little off.
 YLLOWYYN
 I can hear you perfectly well.
 NARRATOR
 The fact that elves can hear exceptionally well is also
 relevant to our tale. Having never met an elf before,
 though, Billy still believed he was talking to a
 strange man with deformed ears, and Yllowyyn’s
 eavesdropping caught him off guard.
 BILLY
 Okay, lemme guess. You’re in some kind of a militia or
 something.
 YLLOWYYN
 My clan has a proud military tradition, if that’s what
 you’re asking.
 JEN ...Nelson, honey, you wanna take a few steps back from the heavily armed klansman?
 BILLY
 (TO YLLOWYYN)
 And I bet you and all your kin can trace your lineage
 back to the civil war--
 NARRATOR
 --Yllowyyn was at Billy with a forearm on his throat.
 YLLOWYYN
 What do you know of Civil War!?
 JEN
 Woah! I think he meant "the war of northern
 aggression." Didn’t you, Billy?
 YLLOWYYN
 So the attack’ll come from the north? Leif of Felghir!
 I knew I never liked that bastard.
 BILLY
 What the hell are---
 YLLOWYYN
 How’d you come by this knowledge? Speak, while you’re
 still able!
 JEN
 Please don’t kill my boyfriend, mister. We really don’t
 know anything about this leaf guy. We just wanna get
 back to school in one piece.
 NARRATOR
 Yllowyyn relaxed his grip just enough for Billy to
 speak.
 BILLY [CHOKES]
 YLLOWYYN
 Choose your words very carefully, human, for they may
 mean your life. What knowledge do you have of a civil
 war?
 NELSON
 (SIMULTANEOUS)
 Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, Gettysburg
 Address!
 JEN
 (SIMULTANEOUS)
 Harriet Tubman, Sherman’s march, Appomattox!
 BILLY
 (SIMULTANEOUS)
 Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Hitler!
 NARRATOR
 Yllowyyn stared back in confusion. Cautiously, he
 further relaxed his grip on Billy. Jen, registering
 what she heard, reflected quietly to herself:
 JEN
 (SOTTO VOCE)
 --Hitler?--
 YLLOWYYN
 Where did you study history?
 BILLY
 Valley Central High.
 NARRATOR
 After sizing the three humans up for a few seconds, the
 elf let Billy go. They all stood around for a moment,
 as the proper etiquette for this particular situation
 was unknown to them all.
 NELSON
 So, where are we right now?
 YLLOWYYN
 You’re in lands claimed by His Majesty, Gunther
 Guernatal, High King of the human realms of Iorden.
 NELSON
 Is that a new expansion pack?
 JEN
 Why dont we--
 BILLY
 Jen, let me handle this.
 (TO YLLOWYNN)
 You think you could point us to the nearest town
 without going schizo on me?
 YLLOWYYN
 I’m heading that way myself. I suppose I could escort
 you, since you’re obviously in no place to defend
 yourselves.
 BILLY
 What the hell does that mean?
 YLLOWYYN
 It means you were very nearly a serpent’s supper,
 human. Speaking of which, as long as you’re heading
 back to town with me, would you mind helping me with
 that?
 EXT. PATH ON THE EDGE OF THE WOODS
 - A WHILE LATER
 NARRATOR
 So it came to pass that the three humans found
 themselves walking down a path on the edge of woods,
 with Billy and Nelson dragging the body of the serpent
 behind them by some leather straps. Yllowyyn strode in
 NARRATOR (cont’d)
 front, with the serpent’s head under one arm, and
 looking very satisfied. Billy and Nelson looked
 considerably less satisfied.
 JEN
 You sure you don’t want my help?
 BILLY
 (PANTING)
 Don’t be silly, Babe. Nelson, are you pulling at all?
 Come on, man.
 NELSON
 Not all of us are made to feel welcome in the school
 weight room.
 NARRATOR
 The great spire of Castle Guernatal appeared over the
 horizon.
 JEN
 Oh wow! I didn’t know there were any castles in
 Pennsylvania.
 NARRATOR
 After a few more minutes of walking, the four came upon
 a large boulder. Had the three humans been outdoorsmen,
 they would have noticed the strangeness of this
 boulder, as the surrounding land had no large rocks.
 They did, however, notice the strangness of the boulder
 being in a small crater and smeared with dried blood.
 BILLY
 Hell was that?
 YLLOWYYN
 Very easy way to kill a bear, if you’re a dragoness
 looking to feed her young.
 NARRATOR
 This led to some very troubled looks between the
 humans.
 BILLY
 What’s that they say in that movie with the monkeys?
 NELSON
 Take your stinking paws off me you damned, dirty ape?
 JEN
 I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore?
 BILLY
 That’s the one.
 AN HOUR OR SO LATER
 EXT. GUERNATAL CITY, OUTER HOLD -
 NARRATOR
 It took them about an hour or so to arrive at the Outer
 Hold of Guernatal Castle. It was a modest village with
 wooden walls, over which the tall stone walls of the
 inner hold always loomed. Only a few sideways glances
 were cast at the giant carcass Billy and Nelson were
 dragging.
 YLLOWYYN
 That’s far enough, thank you. You can put her down.
 BILLY & NELSON
 [RELIEVED GROANS]
 NELSON
 (PANTING)
 So, what’s your gamertag? I could put in a good word
 for you with my guild, if you want.
 YLLOWYYN
 I certainly don’t care.
 NARRATOR
 Jen looked at Billy, and motioned towards the elf in
 such a way as suggested Billy should talk to him. Billy
 shrugged in such a way as made clear he hadn’t quite
 got the hang of understanding Jen’s wishes.
 JEN
 Listen, Mr...
 YLLOWYYN
 My name is Yllowyyn.
 BILLY
 Yellow ween? Your name’s Yellow Ween?
 YLLOWYYN
 Yllowyyn.
 JEN
 Okay, well, pleased to meet you. I’m Jennifer. Thank
 you for walking us back to town.
 YLLOWYYN
 Yes, yes. Merely doing my civic duty as an officer of
 the King’s court.
 BILLY
 I can’t believe this asshole’s name is Yellow Ween. How
 many ass-kickings did you get in school?
 JEN
 Mr. Yllowyyn, if you could point us in the direction of
 Lackawanna, Pennsylvania, we’d sure appreciate it.
 YLLOWYYN
 I’ve never heard of it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I
 find the three of you very odd, and I don’t care much
 for your company.
 NARRATOR
 He handed Jen a small coin purse.
 YLLOWYYN
 So, buy yourselves a meal or proper clothes or
 something, and leave me alone. Fare well.
 NARRATOR
 He hoisted the carcass over his shoulders with no
 effort, and walked off towards the castle.
 JEN
 Wait, Mr. Yllowyyn! We could really use some help
 getting back home. Even if you know somebody--
 YLLOWYYN
 (FAR-OFF)
 --Sorry, urgent business to attend to.
 BILLY
 Thanks for nothing, jerkoff.
 NARRATOR
 There comes a moment in every great adventure (the
 songs and tapestries usually gloss over this part) when
 the heroes haven’t a clue in the world what to do next.
 This was that moment.
 JEN
 Well, shoot, wherever we are we gotta eat, right?
 BILLY
 Maybe one of these losers can give us directions.
 INT. MEDIEVAL TAVERN - A LITTLE BIT LATER 
 NARRATOR
 A little while later, they found themselves in a wooden
 tavern - the sort of place where anyone on the social
 ladder can get what was at least nominally a meal. The
 sights, and, frankly, smells, of the tavern did nothing
 to make the three young humans feel more at home.
 JEN
 At least it’s charmingly quaint.
 NARRATOR
 Billy took a seat at the bar, and his companions
 followed suit. They were approached by the barman.
 BARTENDER
 What would you care for?
 BILLY
 Two beers...
 (MOCKINGLY)
 ...and a milk for the kid.
 NELSON
 I’ll have a mead.
 BILLY
 The fuck is mead, you weirdo?
 NARRATOR
 Nelson then found it necessary to remedy some minor
 imperfections in his place setting.
 BARTENDER
 Anything to eat?
 BILLY Steak.
 JEN
 ...I’ll have whatever the chef recommends, please.
 NELSON
 How’s your mutton?
 BARTENDER
 Smelling a bit ripe today. I’d go with the pheasant.
 NARRATOR
 Under the bar, Billy grabbed the coin purse out of
 Jen’s hand...
 BILLY
 And keep a little something for yourself.
 NARRATOR
 ...and threw the purse on the bar.
 BARTENDER
 What’s that?
 BILLY
 ...money?
 BARTENDER
 Well, how much is in there?
 JEN
 ...We’re not really from around here.
 BARTENDER
 I don’t know how the exchange of coin for goods and
 services is handled where you come from, but around
 here, things have a price that you pay. You don’t just
 throw an arbitrary amount of money down and forget it.
 (A BEAT)
 BARTENDER (cont’d)
 All right, all right, I didn’t mean anything by it.
 Let’s just see what you have here.
 BARTENDER (cont’d)
 15...30...45...60...
 NARRATOR
 ...He sized the travelers up once more...
 BARTENDER
 ...65, 70, 75. That covers it.
 JEN
 (WHISPERS TO BILLY)
 Did those all look like the same type of coin to you?
 BARTENDER
 Be back with your food!
 NARRATOR
 He rushed off.
 BILLY
 Score. They didn’t even card us!
 EXT. GUERNATAL CITY, INNER HOLD
 GATES - SIMULTANEOUS    
 NARRATOR
 At about the same time, Yllowyyn reached the gates of
 the Inner Hold, still carrying his trophy kill
 effortlessly.
 YLLOWYYN
 Evening, constables.
 GUARD 1
 Halt! State your name and purpose and await permission
 to enter.
 YLLOWYYN
 Pardon?
 GUARD 1
 Come no closer, or you will be fired upon.
 YLLOWYYN
 I am Kalth’yr to His Majesty’s court. What is the
 meaning of this?
 GUARD 2
 Apologies, m’Lord. His Majesty’s orders. No one in or
 out without his word.
 NARRATOR
 Realizing that this was rather irregular, the elf
 finally put down his snake.
 YLLOWYYN
 Did something happen?
 NARRATOR
 The guards looked at each other, shocked that the
 Kalth’yr had not heard of the recent developments.
 GUARD 2
 You haven’t, by chance, seen any suspicious strangers
 around, have you?
 NARRATOR
 At which point Yllowyyn recalled that he had indeed
 seen three peculiar strangers very recently.
 INT. MEDIEVAL TAVERN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
 
 It was a few minutes later, and Jen, Billy, and Nelson
 were staring into three flagons of ale which were
 decidedly warmer and...chunkier than they were used to
 when the tavern doors burst open. Yllowyyn marched in,
 followed by a dozen of the castle’s garrison, pikes
 gleaming and at the ready.
 YLLOWYYN
 (RE: THE KIDS)
 That’s them, Captain. Arrest them!
 NARRATOR
 And so it came to pass that the three travelers found
 themselves detained for the second time in one day, and
 for the first time in their lives at the uncomfortable
 end of lethal weapons. 
 END OF EPISODE TWO.
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