Episode 1 Mike Goes Crazy Dialog Script

Mike: Oh, God. 
I look like a crazy person. 
I wonder if this is how I look all the time?
Neighbors: SHUT UP! SHUT IT!
Mike: Eugh
Mike: Oh my God. 
This looked so stupid. 
It looks stupid, Vera. 
Video Game Announcer: Throws in deep into single cover. 
Receiver has it. 
No! 
He lost it and it's intercepted!
Mike: Fuckin' bull shit! 
Fuckin' shit! 
Fuckin' fuck fuck. 
Fuckin'.
Bull- stupid fucking! 
Fucking damnit! 
Fuck! 
God!
Fuck!
Video Game Announcer: What a dick! 
Haha!
Mike: Alright...
Googal search "Angry Beavers." 
Angry Beaver Voice: Oh, my beaver, it's so angry...
Mike: Ew!
Reverend Shoe: AS YOUR CHILDREN BURN IN THE FIRE-
Mike: What am I doing with my life?
Mike: *You should say hi to me.*
*Whatever.*
Professor Culkin: Some verticals here. 
More verticals here. 
And the horizontals. 
All of these are made important by the rectangle. 
The rectangle gives the frame compositional significance. 
The rectangle provides order and symmetry to an otherwise borderless and chaotic frame. 
This fuckin' rectangle is the best thing ever!
Mike: *God, I hope the party at the metal house is fun.*
Professor Culkin: Rectangle...
Rectangle...
Rectangle...
Rectangle...
Rectangle...
Rectangle...
Rectangle rectangle.
Oh! 
Rectangle within the rectangle!
Mike: EUGH!
Ted: Mike, this place blows.
Mike: Well...The party just started and there's gonna be some bands later and there's some cool people I know here and...
Oh, hey, Lenny and Choo Choo!
Lenny: Oh, what's up, Mike?
Mike: I want you to meet some cool people I know. 
This is Phil. 
This is Ted. 
They're in a band and they just might be interested in playing here. 
And this is Travis. 
And this is Jason. 
They're, uh-
Choo Choo: Well, if you wanna play the film, you gotta make sure that it's clean!
Lenny: Yeah, man! 
Now, you gotta take the film. 
You gotta put it in the thing.
Lenny and Choo Choo: PROJECTOR!
Choo Choo: Then it'll project!
Lenny: And then...
Lenny and Choo Choo: PRESS PLAY! 
Phil: Oh...
Travis: The fuck?
Lenny and Choo Choo: Play..
Play...
Play...
Play...
Play us out! 
Play us out! 
Play us out! 
Play us out! 
Play us out! 
Mike: Drinks!
Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
So, uh, what kind of music do you listen to?
Nickelback Fan: Nickelback.
Mike: I gotta go...
Beer!
Beer!
Snazz McNazz: So, she is, like, walking down this hall and it looks like there's no way out...
Mike: *This story really sucks, dude...*
Snazz McNazz: And get this... 
It was all a dream.
Travis: That story really fuckin' sucks...MAN. 
Mike: Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
Beer!
Mike: And my series...the thing is I'm gonna include metal songs in every episode for that week and it ties into the theme of the episode-
Girl at Party: That's cool... 
That's cool... 
I'm gonna go get another bear, m'kay? 
M'kay. 
Yeah...
Mike: Beer!
Beer!
Mike: Stupid... 
She doesn't want to hear about my stupid series. 
Stupid. 
Aw, fuck it!
Phil: You okay? 
You look kinda bummed.
Mike: Eugh...I'll feel better after moshing. 
Singer for Shotgun River: Hello, everyone. 
We are, um, we are Shotgun River. 
And, uh, here we go.
Stroke my face.
I'm your landfill. 
I'll let you dump...all your shit on me. 
Stroke my face.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
I CAN'T LIVE WITH...WITHOUT YOU!
Okay...okay...okay...
Ted: No...No...No...NO! 
THIS PLACE IS NOT METAL!
Don't Pee on Tree Guy: Don't pee on that tree, asshole. 
Mike: I JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY SERIES! 
Mike: Whatever, I gotta do this.
*I just need to feel something.*
*It's been so long since I've felt close to anyone else.*
*I just need to find a soulmate.*
*Even if it's-*
Melissa: A purple skunk person?
Mike: Oh, absolutely! I uh-
Melissa: Come on out... I don't bite.
Mike: Uh...Who are you?
Melissa: I'm Melissa. 
Nice to meet you.
You seem confused.
Okay, I'll break it down for you. 
I'm what's known as a púca, a benevolent animal spirit who only appears to the people who require his or her presence.
And if you don't buy that I'm a construct of your awesomely overactive imagination!
Mike: Oh my god, I've gone insane!
Melissa: Aw, don't be like that! 
Just think of me as an embodiment of that positive voice in your head.
Your subconscious wanted to balance  your negativity by projecting me into the real world in a form you find, well, attractive. 
Mike: Well, that's weird...
My subconscious is attracted to purple skunk people? 
Melissa: I'd say just more than your subconscious...
Relax!
I think it's a compliment. 
Here, have a seat. 
Mike: Oh man, Freud would have a field day with me...
Melissa: Freud would have a field day with himself.
Poop on Freud. 
Sometimes things aren't as complicated as they seem. 
Mike: NO! I can't do this. 
This is the kind of thing that crazy people do!
I mean, uh...
Good Lord, I guess it finally happened *censored* left me because she thought I was insane.
Maybe she was right!
Melissa: Mike, you're not crazy, alright?
You just need someone to be there for you.
Someone who listens to you.
Someone who understands you. 
Someone who loves you!
I can be that.
So, why does it matter if I'm not real?
Mike: But...it can't just be this simple.
Can it?
Melissa: Why not?
Melissa: So, what do you wanna do now?
Mike: Well, I, uh-
Aw, shit.
Melissa: What's up?
Mike: I gotta go watch this stupid old Soviet movie for my stupid class.
Melissa: Sounds super lame!
Let's go for a walk instead.
Mike: I would love to go for a walk, but I can't.
I need to analyze this stupid movie and it's use of "frame composition" and-
Melissa: There are some rectangles and some cuts and they make people hate life. 
There!
You're done!
Walk!
Mike: But I, um, but...
Melissa: Mike, c'mon, walk. 
Mike: Rectangles!
Fuck the rectangles, let's go. 
Mike: You have a good voice.
Melissa: Thanks!
I sing at a club sometimes. 
You should swing by.
Mike: Where at?
Melissa: Here.
Mike: Oh man.
This is gonna take some getting used to.
I mean, people don't just make up girlfriends-
Melissa: Aha!
You said it, I'm your girlfriend!
Look, it's actually very logical if you think about it.
There's an empty feeling inside you, so, you fill it with an idea. 
It may not make sense to other who don't see me like you do, but for you it has meaning beyond tangibility.
Sound familiar at all?
Mike: Melissa, do you want me to form The Church of Purple Skunk?
Melissa: I'm flattered, but that's not what I'm trying to say.
Mike, I don't want you to be lonely anymore and I just thought that if you had me around maybe that would help you feel a little better about yourself and when you're ready for the real thing, you'll have the self-esteem to do all sorts of good stuff. 
Mike: But, what if I get too attached to you?
Melissa: Then you won't need none of that and I'll have you all to myself.
Mike: No, I mean, if I find someone I couldn't just cast you aside. 
Melissa: Aw, shucks.
Don't worry about me. 
If you find someone that just means I did my job.
Mike: So, you're tying to tell me that there are no negative outcomes?
Melissa: Not if you have the right outlook.
So, what do you say?
Will you let me stick around for a while?
Mike: Oh, why not?
I mean, if I'm crazy I might as well be happy, right?
Melissa: Could you promise me one thing, though?
Promise that no matter what happens, you won't forget about me.
Mike: Of course I won't.
Melissa: Pinkie promise?
Mike: I mean, I just made this entire episode for you.
How could I forget that?
Melissa: Oh, you!
You realize that this is the cheesiest ending ever, don't you?
Mike: I don't give a fuck.
Melissa: Me neither!
Category:Canon