$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)/Quotes

:Smithers: Even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees.
:Mr. Burns: [enthusiastically] Oh, very well! [points at some monitors] Lay off him, him, him, him...
:[Mr. Burns sees several power plant employees hard at work whom he chooses to fire, but then a monitor shows Homer staring into space, but wearing glasses.]
:Mr. Burns: Hmm, better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.
----
:Principal Skinner: Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up, but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies with, uh, legalized gambling. There is an added bonus: Some of the revenue can go to help our underfunded public schools.
:Patty: Well, I like the part about the gambling.
:Ned Flanders: What do you think, Reverend?
:Reverend Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
:(Everyone cheers)
:Mr. Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!
:(Everyone cheers)
:Barney: BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPP!
:(Everyone cheers)
:Mayor Quimby: Well, now. Are there any objections?
:Audience: Probably Marge is gonna have some. (Everyone turns towards to Marge)
:Marge: Actually, I think it might really help our economy. 
:Mayor Quimby: Very well then. Instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds.
:(Everyone cheers and toss their hats into the air and runs out of the town hall. Homer and Marge stop for a moment.)
:Marge: This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield.
----
:Homer: Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
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:Kent Brockman: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
:Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years!
:Kent Brockman: Huh. And what training do you have?
:Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.
----
:Kent Brockman: The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.
----
:Springfield Airport. Bart is there to intercept Robert Goulet, who was intended to play at Mr. Burns' Casino.
:Robert Goulet: Are you sure you are from the casino?
:Bart: I am from a casino.
:Robert Goulet: Good enough. Let's go.
----
:[Bart takes Robert Goulet to his treehouse]
:Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
:Nelson brandishes his fist at Goulet.
:Nelson: Your manager tells you to SHUT UP!
:Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
----
:Robert Goulet: {singing} Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and Joker got away. Hey!
:Kids applaud.
:Robert Goulet:{speaking} Thank you! Thank you very much.
:Goulet swings his microphone which accidentally hits Milhouse.
:Milhouse: OW!
:Robert Goulet: Oh, I'm sorry, kid.
----
:Lisa: Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school and I don't know which state to go as.
:Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
:Lisa: No, Nevada makes my butt look big.
:Marge: Then how 'bout going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you.
----
:Marge: Oh no, Lisa's geography pageant! How did it go?
:Cut to Springfield Elementary. Lisa is wearing Homer's crudely made Florida or "FLOREDA" costume, while Ralph taped a piece of paper to himself with "IDAHO" written on it.
:Principal Skinner: And this award goes to two students who clearly had no help from their parents whatsoever, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!
:Ralph: I'm Idaho!
:Principal Skinner: Yes, of course you are.
----
:[Lisa walks into Homer's bedroom]
:Lisa: Mom!
:Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
:Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
:Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
:Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he's hiding--
:Homer: HAAAAH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
:[Homer kicks open the door to Bart's room]
:Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
:Bart: DWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
----
:Krusty: You people are the worst audience I've ever seen!
:Person: Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen!
:Krusty: Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes!
:Person: Fine with us!
:Krusty: [groans]
----
:[Homer finds Henry Kissinger's glasses in the men's room toilet, puts them on, and puts his finger on his temple like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.]
:Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
:Man in stall: That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
:Homer: D'oh!
----
:Marge: Maybe I should get some professional help.
:Homer: No, no! That's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.
----
:Homer: You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage I can finally look down my nose at you. You have a gambling problem!
:Marge: That's true. Will you forgive me?
:Homer: Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well, you have a gambling problem!
:Marge: Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that.
:Homer: Aw, what a gyp.
:Marge: Hmm.
:Homer: Remember when I-
:Marge: Homer!
:Homer: Oh, yeah.
es:$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)/Frases