Episode 513: Tony Randall/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 513: Tony Randall.
==Cold open==
 	Pops holds an envelope up to the light, trying to see through it. He hears a knock.
Pops	Heh … somebody there?
 	A trench coated man enters.
Pops	(In a suspicious tone) Say. Who are you?
Tony	(Cockney accent) I'm a … I'm a messenger, I am. Tony Randall sent me to say he can't be your guest star — he's — he's come down with a rare disease.
Pops	Wait — stop that! I recognize you. You're Tony Randall.
 	Tony removes his hat and glasses.
Tony	(normal voice) Rats.
 	
Pops	Oh, c'mon now, youngster. Take your medicine like a man!
Tony	You're right. I can take it. I'm gonna go up those stairs and do this crummy show.
 	He goes upstairs, and is surrounded by cheering Muppets.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Tony Randall! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet is replaced with a fish. When he blows into it, bubbles are heard.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our guest star is the charming and debonaire Mr. Tony Randall! (audience aahs) Yes! But first, come with us back to the days of the caveman, where every woman wore furs, every man had a private club, and backyard barbecues were truly mammoth! Yaaaayy!
 	
 	The cave pigs, scolding their children and joined by a saber-toothed tiger and a Brontosaurus, sing "Yakety Yak." Zoot joins them on saxophone.
Statler	I didn't know they had rock music in those days.
Waldorf	Sure! Why do you think they called it the Stone Age?
 	They chuckle.
==Dressing room==
 	Tony reads a book. Someone knocks on the door.
Tony 	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Excuse me, Anthony. Uh, are vous busy?
Tony 	Oh, never too busy for the lovely Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	(giggles)
 	
Tony 	I'm just reading this fascinating old book of magic spells. They've got some marvelous things in here.
Miss Piggy	Ooh. M-hm.
Tony 	(giggles) Here's one on how to make it rain.
Miss Piggy	Hah!
Tony 	(turns pages) One on how to make dogs stop barking …
Miss Piggy	Hm.
Tony 	(turns pages) A really — listen to this one. "Zark zark chumbo, klong klong chumbo".
 	Piggy turns into a stone statue.
Tony 	Y'know what that's supposed to do? Turn people into stone. (giggles) It doesn't do it for you, huh? Turning people into stone? Here's one that turns people into frogs, what would you think of that? A world full of Kermits. You'd be out of your mind. (giggles)
Miss Piggy	(moans)
Tony 	(glances at her) Oh, I get it. Turned to stone, huh? (giggles)
Miss Piggy	(moans)
 	
 	His smile quickly disappears. He tries tickling her chin.
Tony 	Tickle tickle tickle!
 	His anxiety increases. He tries whacking her with a hairbrush. She growls.
Tony 	I'm sorry. I'm — I'm so sorry!
Kermit 	(knocks) Uh, can — can I come in?
Tony 	Uh, um — just a minute, Kermit! Just a second! Just let me uh … be right with you!
Miss Piggy	(moans)
 	Panicking, he covers Piggy with a blanket.
Tony 	Don't move. Come in! (acts nonchalant)
Kermit 	Uh, Miss Piggy's on next. She's not in here, is she?
Tony 	I don't see her. Uh, why don't you put somebody else on next?
Miss Piggy	(moans)
Kermit 	Uh, put somebody else on?
Tony 	Yeah.
Kermit 	I don't think Miss Piggy would stand still for that.
Tony 	Oh, I think she might.
Kermit 	Okay, I'll just postpone Pigs in Space till later on.
Miss Piggy	MMMMM! MMMMM!
Tony 	I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. (thumbs through the book) Just wait! Just wait, we'll find something. Just a minute.
Miss Piggy	(moans)
==String Quartet==
	
	A Muppet String Quartet plays Boccherini's Minuet in A Major. A mischievous cellist keeps poking the violinist with his bow. The violinist retaliates by pushing the cellist into the piano. The pianist's candelabra falls into his piano, causing the thing to set on fire. The flutist bumps into the pianist, the pianist punches the flutist, and the whole thing ends with an explosion. Through all of it they continue to play... and the cellist continues to poke the violinist.
==Backstage==
Scooter 	Kermit! I couldn't find Piggy. I looked everywhere!
Kermit 	That's funny. I was sure she'd be in her dressing room.
Scooter 	Except her dressing room.
Kermit 	(grimaces)
 	
Scooter 	Hey, Kermit? What do you want me to do with these guys?
Kermit 	Uh, take 'em outside?
Scooter 	Then what?
Kermit 	Lock the door.
Scooter 	Come on, fellas.
 	He leads them away as Kermit enters Piggy's dressing room. Tony tries to sneak out with the moaning Piggy statue.
Tony 	Shh. Shh, shh, shh. You're going to be all right. I'm going to sneak you out of the theater and put you in the trunk of my car.
Miss Piggy	Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
 	
Tony 	It's gotta be the trunk. If I put you in the front, you'll scratch the upholstery. Now, we're gonna take you to a doctor. Or maybe a stonemason.
Miss Piggy	MMMMM!
Tony 	Shh! Shh! Shh … We don't want Kermit to know.
Kermit 	Uh, know what?
Tony 	!!! … Hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Hi.
Tony 	Kermit … something terrible has happened.
Kermit 	Huh?
Tony 	Do you know what this is?
Kermit 	Uh … a statue of Piggy?
Tony 	Yes. It's a statue of Piggy.
Kermit 	Oh — what's terrible about that? It's uh, very lifelike. Why — I can just feel those fleshy jowls. (giggles)
Tony 	Kermit …
Kermit 	Hm?
Tony 	It's not a statue. This is Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	(gasp!) What?! … Piggy, is that you??
Miss Piggy	(moans)
Kermit 	(gasp!)
Tony 	She was turned to stone by a magic spell.
Kermit 	(stammers) She's a star! She's a friend! This is terrible!
Tony 	I know, I know. I feel awful. I know how important Miss Piggy is to you and the show. I'd do anything to help! Anything!
Kermit 	Oh, well, just go get ready for your number.
Tony 	Thank you, Kermit.
 	He accidentally drops Piggy over the railing. She crashes down the stairs. Tony covers his face.
 	
Tony 	Did she break anything?
Kermit 	Yeah. Couple of floorboards.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Orchestra leader Zuben Bechmesser was nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan opera today when he absent-mindedly inserted his baton into an electrical outlet.
 	Bechmesser enters the frame, shivering.
Newsman	Uh, Mr. Bechmesser, I understand, according to doctors, you would have died instantly, had you not been such a poor conductor. (laughs)
 	Bechmesser sticks his baton in the Newsman's nose.
 	
Newsman	I'm sorry! I take it back!
 	Bechmesser exits.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie sets Piggy down. Floyd holds a piece of paper.
Fozzie 	(grunts) Don't worry, Miss Piggy … nothing is broken. Boy, you sure are heavy. You must weigh at least a ton!
Floyd 	Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! (laughs)
 	
Fozzie 	Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Floyd 	Terrified? She's petrified! (laughs)
 	Exit Fozzie, enter Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Hey, great news, Miss Piggy: you'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called Sandblasting Without Pain.
 	They laugh.
Floyd 	Hey, Gonzo —
Gonzo 	Yes?
Floyd 	— did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
Gonzo 	Worried about Kermit? Why?
Floyd 	Well, she's afraid he'll take her for granite.
 	They laugh.
Kermit 	Oh, okay, guys, enough with these cheap shots.
Floyd 	Aw, come on! I got another page to go here! (holds up paper)
Kermit 	Floyd, how can you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and worked with for years? Now just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
 	
Miss Piggy	(moans)
Floyd 	Oh, you're right. But what'll I do with these jokes?
Kermit 	Burn 'em. (exits)
Floyd 	You heard what the frog said.
 	Floyd strikes the match on Piggy, who grimaces. Floyd laughs.
 	
=="Ti-Pi-Tin"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star, Mr. Tony Randall, will now take us back to the days of the old-time dance band and their raccoon coats!
 	
Raccoon (SW)	Yeah, well, when he's through, he'd better give the coat back to us raccoons.
Kermit 	(grimaces) Okay, okay, get off the stage! Off the stage! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randall! Yaaay!
 	
 	Tony sings "Ti-Pi-Tin" with the Female Singers.
==UK spot==
	
	The Showman performs "A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" while Quongo throws coconuts. Eventually, the coconuts join in.
==Dressing room==
 	Tony reads from the book of spells as Scooter watches.
Tony 	Arvaltov … fazgoff!
 	Scooter watches in anticipation, then shakes his head.
Tony 	Frell, gog, raimwraith, la!
Scooter	… Aww. Still nothing, Tony.
Tony 	I've read practically everything in the book. Something's gotta turn her back.
Scooter	Keep reading.
Tony 	Ynot Lladnar.
 	
 	Scooter grows horns and fangs.
Tony 	Noslen Yrrej.
 	The horns and fangs disappear.
Tony 	Rezal evad gib!
 	
 	Scooter grows two more sets of hands, a snake's tongue and red eyes.
Tony 	Tnuh Drahcir!
 	Scooter turns back to normal.
Tony 	Zleog divad oznog!
 	
 	Scooter's head turns into Gonzo's.
Tony 	Evets Erimtihw!
 	Scooter's head turns back to normal.
Tony 	(looks at Scooter) So far nothing's happened.
Scooter	(faints)
Tony 	Was it something I said?
=="Poison Ivy"==
 	
 	Dr. Teeth performs "Poison Ivy". As he does, poison ivy grows out of his piano and overtakes him.
Waldorf	That was a very rash song. (chuckles)
Statler	Well, what do you expect? He started from scratch.
 	They chuckle.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As we join our heroes, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swinetrek.
Link Hogthrob 	Well, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swinetrek.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I can't remember a more relaxed, peaceful time.
Link Hogthrob 	(nods) Mm. It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig. (glances) Do you suppose it's because First Mate Miss Piggy has turned to stone?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	It couldn't hurt. (they chuckle)
Link Hogthrob 	I wonder how it happened.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, in olden times, they had magic spells for that kind of shtuff. But, nowadays, well, she was probably playing with the petrificatratron.
Link Hogthrob 	The who?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, it's one of the Swinetrek's defense systems. It can turn people into shtone and then turn 'em back again.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. I had forgotten.
 	
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Look here — yeah, you set the little dial here, und then you throw this lever.
Link Hogthrob 	This lever here?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ja.
 	Link pulls the lever. Piggy turns to normal.
Miss Piggy 	Well! At last! (sigh) All right! Where's Randall? I hold him personally responsible for this! Him and the frog. The frog brought Randall here — they're BOTH to blame! Oh — and as for you two twits — I am gonna tear you in half! I'm gonna — I'm gonna rip off your epaulets! I — I'm gonna take your ears, and I'm gonna braid 'em into bird nests! I'm gonna take your nose, I'm gonna, I'm gonna —
 	Link turns her back to stone. He and Strangepork relax.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(sigh) It's been a nice quiet day here aboard the Swinetrek.
Link Hogthrob 	Yes. It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig. (sigh)
Announcer 	Tune in next time, when we ask the question, "Why did you tune in this time to" — PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks over the rundown as Link and Strangepork pass by.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh, without Miss Piggy, we had to carry that whole sketch ourselves.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But be grateful we didn't have to carry Miss Piggy! (they laugh)
Kermit 	Beauregard, what are you doing?
Beauregard 	Oh, I'm clearing the stage. I'm gonna put this in the prop closet.
Miss Piggy 	MMMMM!
Kermit 	Beauregard, that's Miss Piggy! Now, treat her well. She's a star and a lady.
 	
Beauregard 	And a rock.
Kermit 	It doesn't matter. Just put her down right there.
Beauregard 	Okay.
Scooter 	Uh, Kermit, do we have any statues … ?
Kermit 	That's a funny thing to ask tonight.
Scooter 	You see, uh, Tony Randall's doing this poetry reading and he needs a statue. We don't have any, unless you want to count, uh, you-know-who.
Miss Piggy 	MMMMM!
 	
Kermit 	Scooter, I cannot do that to Piggy! It's a terrible thing to suggest! This is not a statue. This is a warm and sensitive lady. And a friend.
Miss Piggy 	(affectionate noise)
Scooter 	Okay. We'll just cancel the final number. (goes onstage)
Kermit 	Scooter?
Scooter 	(comes back) Yeah, boss?
Kermit 	Get this statue on stage.
Scooter 	Check. Come on, Piggy — (pushes her)
==Poetry corner==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	If you have tears, prepare to shed them, as our very special guest brings us a literary recitation. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall.
 	Open on a marble setting. Tony walks up to a podium. Piggy stands behind him with a green jewel placed on her forehead.
Tony 	The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God. Maestro, if you will, please.
 	A pianist accompanies him.
 	
Tony 	
There's a one-eyed yellow idol
To the north of Kathmandu;
There's a little marble cross below the town.
There's a brokenhearted woman
Tends the grave of "Mad" Carew,
While the yellow god for ever gazes down.
He was known as "Mad" Carew …
Scooter 	Uh, Mr. Randall, Mr. Randall —
Tony 	What?
Scooter 	Well, it's about the spell. It —
Tony 	Can't you see that I'm communing with my muse?
Scooter 	Oh, sorry, uh, I didn't know you were on the phone. Uh, I found a spell that'll turn a statue into a pig, though.
Tony 	But I like her as a statue, for now.
Scooter 	Oh. Well, just in case, uh, the word is "pigskin".
Tony 	Pigskin.
 	The spell works. Piggy walks up to Tony.
Miss Piggy 	Who're you calling "pigskin" … fish-face?
Tony 	(beside himself) … Hello!
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hm.
Tony 	Glad to see you back! I, um … I was just, um, ordering a football. Scooter, get me that pigskin, will you?
 	
Scooter 	Oh, check!
Tony 	Sure. It's uh, something I need in my recitation here, with the…
Miss Piggy 	Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's a football in The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God?
Tony 	It's … it's poetic license.
Miss Piggy 	Uh-huh. You just had your poetic license revoked. Hi—
 	A football is tossed to him right then and there.
Tony 	See? (chuckles) So, we're all set now, huh? You understand? Good.
Miss Piggy 	I'm watching you closely, Randall.
Tony 	Good. Why don't you run out for a long one, huh? Here we go! (tosses it) Now we will resume, if we may … professor?
 	The pianist resumes.
Tony 	He was known as "Mad Carew" …
 	Piggy is chased by football players.
Miss Piggy 	(screams) Get away from me!
 	The chase continues as he recites.
Tony 	
… By the chaps at Kathmandu,
He was wilder than they felt inclined to tell.
But, for all his foolish pranks,
He was worshipped in the ranks.
And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him …
YOU'RE CHASING EACH OTHER WRONG! (blows a whistle)
 	
Tony 	Whaddya say? We're trying to do a show here! How about a little cooperation?
Player (JN)	Check! All right, hit it, boys!
 	Cue the orchestra. The players, including Rizzo, start singing the fight song "On, Wisconsin!" Tony continues, unheard, with his recitation. The players run away.
Tony 	
An ugly knife lay buried
In the heart of "Mad" Carew …
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
Tony 	'Twas the vengeance of the little yellow pig. I thank you.
 	He collapses slowly. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall! Yaaay!
Tony 	Thank you. Thank you very very much, Kermit. Real thrill being here with you. You're a hero of mine.
Kermit 	Wow.
Tony 	Yeah. I just wanted to apologize for accidentally turning Miss Piggy into a stone like that. I didn't mean to.
Kermit 	Oh, listen — don't mention it. We all make mistakes. Incidentally, how did it happen?
Tony 	I don't know! All I said was "zark zark chumbo, klong klong chumbo" and the next thing I —
 	
 	Kermit turns to stone.
Tony 	Kermit? (frets)
Gonzo 	What happened?
Tony 	I don't know! All I said was — (covers his mouth)
 	
Gonzo 	That's all for tonight! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy	KERMIT?!
Tony 	I'm so sorry. Tune in next time, find out, will an ugly girl kiss Kermit and turn him back?
 	He waves. The credits roll as the banter continues.
Statler 	I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone.
Waldorf 	What chorus line was that?
Statler 	The Rockettes.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts