Episode 105: Rita Moreno/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 105: Rita Moreno.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	My cousin's so dumb, he spent two weeks in London trying to find the European Common Market.
 	He takes off his hat and wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Rita Moreno!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Rita. Animal sneaks up behind her and bites her.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	When Gonzo strikes the O, the effect reverberates through him.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome to The Muppet Show. And what a show we got. We have music, comedy, 225 dancing elephants — who, unfortunately, left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their trunks.
 	Kermit looks confused. Enter Fozzie.
 	
Fozzie	I gave him that joke!
Kermit	I wish I gave it right back. But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star, the beautiful, lovely, terrific and talented - lovely Miss Rita Moreno!
 	
 	For the opening number, Rita dances (and fights) in a saloon with a humanoid Muppet to the music of "I Get Ideas."
==Backstage==
 	The humanoid Muppet stumbles up the stairs. The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, great number. Hey, would somebody help that guy up the stairs, please?
Miss Piggy (RH)	She always does. She was, but was I good?
Pig 	Good? Piggy, honey, you're a ripsnorter.
 	She laughs as they exit. The phone rings.
Kermit 	Hey, Fozzie, can you get that?
Fozzie 	I'll get it, Kermit. (picks up the receiver) Hello. The Muppet Show backstage.
 	
 	He receives a wet response.
Kermit 	Who was it?
Fozzie 	The water department. (exits)
Kermit 	(scowls) What the hey?
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Fozzie lies on the operating table.
 	
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Janice 	I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was operating in the other room.
Rowlf 	I know. It's the talk of the hospital.
 	They all nod. Rowlf examines Fozzie with a stethoscope.
Fozzie 	(into the stethoscope) Booga booga!
Rowlf 	Cut that out. Let me have the ear thing.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Ear thing, Dr. Bob.
 	She hands it to him. He uses it to scratch his ear.
Rowlf 	Ooh, feels good. Stick.
Janice 	Stick, Dr. Bob.
 	She hands him a giant tongue depressor; he throws it.
Rowlf 	Fetch.
 	Janice fetches it.
Fozzie 	What's that all about?
Rowlf 	That's my laboratory retriever. (Janice returns with the tongue depressor) Good girl. (cleans it with his mouth, then tosses it)
Janice 	Thank you.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	I think this man is sick. He oughta see a doctor.
Miss Piggy (RH)	But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.
Fozzie 	That's your opinion. I'm gettin' outta here.
Rowlf 	No, you're not.
Janice 	You can't leave, Fozzie. Dr. Bob is the only one who can save you now.
Rowlf 	She's right. I saved over 500 last year.
Fozzie 	What? Patients?
Rowlf 	No, dollars.
 	They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Rowlf 	Of course, I also lost over a hundred pounds.
Fozzie 	What, in weight?
Rowlf 	No, in England.
 	They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway.
 	They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Announcer 	Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy (RH)	Dr. Bob, you've lost all your patients.
Rowlf 	I can't help it. I got a short temper. About this tall.
 	They all nod.
Fozzie 	Can I go now?
==Backstage==
 	The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, a little shaky. A little shaky, guys.
Miss Piggy (RH)	(to Janice) Uh huh? Uh huh? Well, your timing was awful!
Janice 	What do you know about time?
Miss Piggy (RH)	I know your face would stop a clock!
Janice 	Stuff it, pork chop!
Kermit 	Okay, okay, okay … (the phone rings) Hey Fozzie, can you get that please?
Fozzie 	Yeah, Kermit, I — whew, I'll get it. Whew. (picks up the receiver) Ahem. Hello. Backstage at The Muppet Show.
 	He receives a smoky response.
Kermit 	Fozzie, who was it?
 	
Fozzie 	(coughs) The fire department.
Kermit 	(to the viewer) I think this is what they call a running gag.
 	The Newsman runs by.
Fozzie 	Nope, that's what they call a running gag.
==Muppet Newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk, tripping over the chair) Dateline, Fresno. Mr. Thomas Galli — or Galley — spent the last 27 months teaching his pet chicken to dance classical ballet.
 	
Newsman	Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the Royal Copenhagen Ballet. Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed the ballerina for lunch.
Statler	Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the Swedish Chef has up his sleeve. Heh.
Waldorf	A summons from the board of health, I wager.
Statler	(laughs)
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef with some spoons.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … der flåppên jåckën høokën.
 	He displays the batter bowl, then the spatula.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de båttër. (mock Swedish) … der flîp-flöp der flåpjåck. (mock Swedish)
 	He scoops up a pancake, tosses it, and it doesn't come down.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … der stïckën on der røofen. (mock Swedish) … der flåpjåck on der her hoøp.
 	He tosses another one, which also doesn't come down. He retrieves a shotgun.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … I get der blünderbûssën. (mock Swedish)
 	BANG! He fires upwards, and many pancakes land on him.
==Backstage==
 	The phone rings. Fozzie rushes to it.
Fozzie	I got it.
 	He almost picks up the wrong part when answering the phone.
Fozzie	Ahem. The Muppet Show. Backstage.
 	He uses his hat to catch the coins that fall out of the phone. Enter Kermit.
 	
Kermit	Fozzie, who was that?
Fozzie	Las Vegas. Ha.
 	Kermit scowls and walks off. Fozzie puts his hat on, and realizes what a mistake he's made.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. Zoot and Janice notice Animal dancing with a woman.
Zoot 	They're a nice-looking couple.
Janice 	Yeah, but a couple of what?
Woman 	I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal 	Yeah. I broke it myself. Two, three, dip. (dips her violently multiple times) Dip. … Dip. Hahaha!
 	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Does one ever encounter sharks in these parts?
Pig 	Oh, no. Absolutely not. Never. Uh, why do you ask?
 	
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Oh, uh, just curious.
Janice 	I hear that the president said that you shouldn't panic if you don't have a job.
Zoot 	That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.
 	George dances with Mildred. Mildred notices the shark fin.
Mildred 	I don't think we should come to this ballroom any more.
George the Janitor	Why?
Mildred 	It seems to be attracting a lower class of animal.
George the Janitor	Oh, well.
 	The shark pulls him down.
George the Janitor	Ahh! I have a gnawing feeling you're right. Let's tango.
==UK Spot==
 	The Country Trio sings.
 	
Jim 	
I started on a journey just about a year ago,
To a little town called Morrow in the state of Ohio.
I've never been much of a traveler, and I really didn't know
That Morrow was the hardest place I'd ever try to go.
So I went down to the station for my ticket and applied
For tips regarding Morrow, not expecting to be guyed.
Said I, "My friend, I'd like to go to Morrow and return
No later than tomorrow, for I haven't time to burn."
Said he to me…
Jerry	
Now let me see if I have heard you right.
You'd like to go to Morrow and return tomorrow night?
You should have gone to Morrow yesterday, and back today,
For the train that goes to Morrow is a mile upon its way.
If you had gone to Morrow yesterday, now don't you see,
You could have gone to Morrow and returned today at three?
For the train today to Morrow, if the schedule is right,
Today it gets to Morrow and returns tomorrow night.
Jim 	
Said I, "I'd like to go to Morrow, so can I go today,
And get to Morrow by tonight if there is no delay?"
Jerry	
"Well, well," I said to him, "and I've got no more to say
Can you get anywhere tomorrow and get back again today?"
Jim 	
Said I, "I guess you know it all, but kindly let me say,
How can I get to Morrow if I leave this town today?"
Said he …
Jerry	
You cannot go to Morrow anymore today,
For the train that goes to Morrow is a mile upon its way.
Jim 	
I was so disappointed, I was mad enough to swear.
The train had gone to Morrow and had left me standing there.
The man was right in telling me …
Jerry	
You are a howling jay.
You cannot go to Morrow.
Jim 	Well, I guess in town I'll stay.
 	The song ends.
Frank	I don't get it.
 	They all shrug and walk off.
==Marvin Suggs==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare and applause.
Kermit 	Right now, friends, I am proud to present a group of performers that I personally discovered in the waiting room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio. They weren't performing there, they were just waiting. But anyhow, let's bring 'em on with a big hand, Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphone! Ahhh!
Marvin Suggs 	Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole! Thank you, thank you and gracias! Thank you! I am-ah the beloved-ah Marvin Suggs-ah! And now, presenting-ah, the performing members of-ah, the Muppaphone!
 	The little fluff balls take their positions.
Muppaphone members	(random) Move it, move it. Yeah, yeah. Another day, another headache. Mimimimimi …
Marvin Suggs 	Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
 	
 	With his mallet, he whacks them, playing a scale of "OW"s. The "so" is off-key, so Suggs shifts it to the far left.
Marvin Suggs 	Oh, no. Move it, Marvin. Move it. move it, Marvin. Move it. Move it. Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
 	In the second attempt, the "ti" is too high, so he switches them.
Marvin Suggs 	Move it, Lucy. Move it. Move it, move it, move it, move it. Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
 	In the third attempt, he plays a perfect scale of "OW"s.
Marvin Suggs 	Yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes. Marvin, you've done it!
Muppaphone 	(whispering to another) Do you need a vacation? …
Marvin Suggs 	Bernard.
 	
Muppaphone 	(gets whacked) OWWWWW!
Marvin Suggs 	And now, "Lady of Spain."
Muppaphone members	Huh?
Marvin Suggs 	The song.
 	
 	Music swells up. He plays each note with his mallet, until a giant mallet knocks him out. The Muppaphones conclude the song with one final harmonic note, and jump for joy.
==Panel Discussion==
 	Open on Kermit and the panelists chit-chatting.
Kermit 	Can we have a little quiet here? Can we have a little quiet? Quiet! Quiet, please!
 	He accidentally bangs his gavel on his own flipper, and yelps.
Kermit 	Uh, ahem, OK, time again to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our special guest tonight is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez.
Rita 	'Allo 'allo 'allo!
Kermit 	Aloha, Tiffany. And our question of lasting importance: "Is conversation a dying art?" What do you think, Tiffany?
Rita 	(thick Cuban accent) Well, uh, yes, Kermit, people don't know how to talk. They speak gibberish. They don't say nothing. You talk to people, they don't listen. Fabulous. I'm talking to this crazy guy. I'm talking about war and peace. then he tells me something about the price of coconuts. Now am I crazy or is he crazy?
Miss Piggy	What did she say?
Panelist 	I don't know. I wasn't listening.
Miss Piggy	I was listening and I still don't know what she said.
Rita 	What's the matter with you? You don't understand English?
Miss Piggy	(mocking her) No, I don't understand "Englich".
Rita 	Wait a minute …
Panelist 	(restrains Piggy) Don't make fun of the lady's accent.
Rita 	What accent? Listen, boychik, I speak as good English as the next guy.
Miss Piggy	Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz! (chuckles)
Kermit 	Piggy, please. Girls, if you wa —
 	
Rita 	Excuse me. I want to talk. (shuts Kermit's mouth) Listen, you. … How would you like a high heel in your hamhock?
Miss Piggy	(gasps) Well, I never.
Kermit 	(bangs his gavel, trying to restore order) Yes, yes, yes. Now what about, what about conversation as a dying art?
Miss Piggy	(to Rita) If conversation is a dying art, you've killed it! Hahaha!
Kermit 	Piggy, uh, please. Why don't you let Tiffany and The Guru talk?
Miss Piggy	"Tiffany and The Guru." Didn't that star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon?
Panelist 	(chimes in) Oh, I saw that movie.
Rita 	Listen, your time is almost up.
 	They all talk at the same time as Kermit bangs his gavel.
Brewster 	Listen to me. You see, in my country we have a seldom used saying: "When the swine lubricates the automobile, you end up with a greased pig."
 	
Rita 	That don't make sense.
Brewster 	I know. That's why it's seldom used.
Rita 	In my country we have a saying too: "Cuando uno trabaja con una cochinita majadera lo que hay que hacer es darle la amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato." ("When you work with a closed-minded pig, you have to threaten her with the possibility of murder.")
Miss Piggy	What is that supposed to mean?
Rita 	That means one more crack from you and you're one dead enchilada!
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Who let this wacko taco on the panel?
Rita 	Listen, how would you like to take a flying leap into a sausage factory? (pokes Piggy)
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Don't touch me!
Kermit 	Uh, girls, uh … well uh …
 	Rita and Piggy bicker, as they all start talking over each other.
Rita 	OK, I'm sick and tired of you! Come over here! Come over here! She's a coward.
Miss Piggy	Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
Kermit 	Well, the question is, "is conversation a dying art?" And I don't think it is, but it is severely injured. Tune in next week when our topic will be improving US-Latin American relations. Okay?
Statler 	Yes … that Miss Moreno is easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears.
Waldorf 	Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion.
Statler 	(laughs)
==Backstage / Muppet Newsflash==
 	The phone rings. Fozzie answers it.
Fozzie 	The Muppet Show. Backsta —
 	
 	BOOM!
Kermit 	OK, who was it this time?
Fozzie 	The atomic energy commission.
 	Kermit scowls. Transition to the newsroom.
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) There is no news tonight. (runs off)
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Hey, listen, Rita. At this time in the show —
Rita 	Kermit, Kermit, before you go on …
Kermit 	What?
Rita 	… I just have to tell you that I have always been a Muppet nut.
Kermit 	Aw, well, that's very —
Rita 	That I love all of you so much. (tickles him and coos)
Kermit 	A frog is very ticklish. Hey, but listen. This, this is the part of the show where we have what we call our "talk spot," you see …
Rita 	Oh, yeah. (sigh)
Kermit 	… where the guest sits here and talks casually and spontaneously with the frog, you see. And uh …
Rita 	I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't you ever noticed on these variety shows, when they have a talk spot, that the actors always come off so phony? I mean, you know that they're rehearsed. You know that they are reading cue cards.
Kermit 	Yeah, but, Rita …
Rita 	Jes?
Kermit 	… on our show, on our — Wait a minute. (squints) "But Rita, but Rita, on our show, we do not use any cue cards, Rita, on our show, we do not …"
Rita 	Kermit!
Kermit 	I was just kidding there.
Rita 	Oh, sorry. Kermit, can't we just please do it Muppet-style? Let's ad-lib it.
Kermit 	Oh, you mean ad-lib, just sort of yeah, just make it up?
Rita 	That's right, yeah …
Kermit 	I don't mind. Sure, yeah, just chatting, like that. Sure.
Rita 	Good, okay, let's do it then.
Kermit 	Well, I don't mind doing that, but there are others who might take offense.
Rita 	Like who?
Kermit 	Like the guy who holds the cue cards.
 	
 	Enter Sweetums, the cue card holder.
Sweetums	Nice lady no want Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Rita 	Well, I, uh … no.
Sweetums	Well … nice lady let Sweetums hold something else?
Rita 	Oh, sure, you can hold anything you want.
Sweetums	Ah-ha! That best offer me have all week!
 	He carries her away.
Kermit 	Uh, happens so often on our show. Our guest stars just get carried away.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	As all of us right-thinking people know, Wayne and Wanda are the only truly uplifting act on this whole questionable program. So, with a sense of … awesome pride, I present the singing team of Wayne and Wanda with "Goody Goody." (runs off) Oh, goody goody.
 	The curtain opens on them.
 	
Wayne 	So you met someone who set you back on your heels … (knocks her over) Goody Goody!
 	She scowls at him as the curtain closes.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Kermit enters right when the curtain closes.
Kermit 	OK, moving right along, friends ...
Sam the Eagle	(passing by) Stall, stall.
Kermit 	Yeah, OK, uh … once again, by popular demand, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	Fozzie's fanfare plays as the curtain opens.
 	
Fozzie 	Thank you. Yeah, love you all. Yeah, it's me again, the old Fozzie Bear. Hickory dickory dock, a laugh a minute by the clock.
Waldorf 	Oh yeah? Well, you better check your clock. It looks like it stopped.
Statler 	(laughs)
Fozzie 	I go with a lovely girl. She's so bowlegged, when she stands around the house, she stands around the house.
Statler 	Hey! Hey! You remind me of Charlton Heston.
Fozzie 	Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes.
Statler 	Well? (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Well, I'm good enough to play the Palace.
Waldorf 	You're not good enough to clean the Palace. (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Didn't you like my last joke?
Statler 	Yes, if you promise it's your last joke. (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	You-you guys wouldn't know a good joke if you fell over one.
Waldorf 	Well, we're not in any danger with your act. (they chuckle)
==Backstage==
Kermit	(through the intercom) OK, onstage for Rita's closing number. That's Rita, Floyd and Animal, please. Onstage, onstage. (Floyd passes by him) OK. Everybody ready for that closing nu— (the phone rings)
Fozzie	I'll get it, I'll get it.
Kermit	Don't! Don't answer that phone, Fozzie!
Fozzie	I got it. I got it.
Kermit	No, Fozzie. Do not answer that telephone.
Fozzie	Oh, but, Kermit. All these terrific funny things happen when I do answer it.
Kermit	I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Come on. Watch out, I'll get it.
Kermit	Is there no end to this running gag?
 	Animal runs by, rips the phone box out from the wall and runs off with it.
 	
Fozzie	Well, I guess that puts an end to this running gag.
Kermit	Yeah, and also to all the incoming calls.
=="Fever"==
 	Floyd plays bass, while Animal plays the drums. 	
 	 	
Rita 	
Never know how much I love you.
Never know how much I care.
When you put your arms around me,
I get a fever that's so hard to bear.
You give me fever …	
 	 	
 	Animal makes a loud rimshot, which startles her somewhat. 	
Rita 	
... When you kiss me.
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever… (RIMSHOT!)
...In the morning.
Fever all through the night. 	
 	She walks up to Animal. 	
 	 	TRANSLATION
Rita 	Oye, buddy. Quiero decirte que no se debe hacer eso. 	Listen, buddy. All I wanna tell you is that you shouldn't do that.
 	It's not nice, ¿entiendes? 	It's not nice, understand?
 	Mirame a mi cuando te hable. Este es mi numero, y si tu me fastidias mas, te voy a dar una gaznata que te vas a ver bobo.	Look at me when I'm talking to you. This is my number, and if you bother me any more I'm gonna hit you so hard, it's gonna leave you stupid.
 	So cool it. (walks back to the stage) 	
Animal	(mocks her) "So cool it." (turns away when she faces him) 	
Rita 	
Sun lights up the morning.
Moon lights up the night.
I light up when you call my name.
 'Cause you know I'm gonna treat you right.
You give me fever … (RIMSHOT!) … When you kiss me.
(RIMSHOT!) ... me tight.	
 	Animal goes full steam on the drums. 	
Rita 	
Fever … When you kiss me.
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever all through the night.
Fever … all through the night. 	
 	She walks up to him and crashes a pair of cymbals on his head. 	
Animal	(dazed) That my kinda woman! (collapses) 	
==Goodnights==
 	Main stage. Kermit appears in a tuxedo.
Kermit 	Well, once again, folks, we've come to the end of the show, and I cannot but pause to thank our lovely guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.
 	Rita enters, carrying the humanoid Muppet from the opening number, who she tosses aside.
Rita 	¡Ole!
Kermit 	Rita, I wish you wouldn't throw things on the floor. We try to be neat around here.
Rita 	Oh, that's OK, Kermit. He loves it. I had lunch with him today. It's OK.
 	
Kermit 	OK, if you say so. Hey, thank you, Rita. And thank you all. Join us next time on The Muppet Show. … (Fozzie waves) … Fozzie, don't upstage her, OK?
 	She cheers as Muppets gather around her. The credits roll.
 	The balcony appears empty, until Statler and Waldorf rise from the floor.
Waldorf	Mm-hm. Yep. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts