2013.10.18 - Gotham City Rumble

"Going to the caaar waaash," Deadpool sings. Loudly. And off-key. The Merc with the Mouth is crouched on the roof of a building, hiding in the shadows of the night and watching the city bustle around a few stories below him. "Goin' to the car wash wash." He hums the rest of the song as an armored truck turns the corner and starts to pull down the street, moving sedately along with the rest of traffic. 
Deadpool hoists an RPG to his shoulder and squints down the sights. "Let's see if I can get a tune out of this trombone," he mutters, squinting down the rudimentary sights. That's a line from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. "What?" Yeah. That's totally a line Brad Pitt delivered in that movie. He's right, dude. "So? It's still a good line," Deadpool grouses, preparing to fire the rocket. *cough*laaaaame*cough*
Daredevil can hear the drip from a drain and its plop in the puddle and the cries of an infant through the cell phone of a mother who wishes she was home with her child. The annoying tap tap tap sound of the blinker as a car waits to make a left. The vlipvlip of a young boy pulling the hoodie-string back and forth and back and forth and ba. . .and that singing. He can hear that singing as clear as day and that voice and can almost feel the mayhem that lies behind it. Time to go, time to go now, Matt. Go faster. In the superhero community rumors swirl about this man, this Deadpool. There can't be any wasted time.
Daredevil is flinging himself from rooftop to rooftop with reckless abandon; no fear and no regard for his personal safety as he hops up fire escapes, braces himself on old antennas, pushes off from window sills.
Nigh invisible in the skies above thanks to his mostly jet black bodysuit, Osiris enjoys the cool night air, drifting among the lowest sort of clouds. He doesn't bother with the mortals below him, but rather enjoys his time alone in the skies. He possesses no augmented senses, no way of knowing the chaos about to be unleashed below him. So he drifts, without a care in the world.
And with the press of a button, chaos is unleashed.
The RPG goes whistling down in a spiraling arch, and hits just under the front right tire of the armored vehicle. The truck promptly bounces up and down on the front tires, then swerves violently and tilts over. With a squeal of the tires and the sound of metal grinding on asphalt, the truck comes to a grinding, crashing halt against a pair of parked cars. 
"Awww ysss," Deadpool hisses, pumping a fist. He drops the expended RPG and grabs something on his belt. There's a flash of light and the thump of displaced air, and Deadpool appears at street level. With a giant sack over one shoulder- literally sporting a giant $ sign- he slaps some explosives onto the hinges of the truck's back door and prepares to blast his way into the vehicle.
First the heathen is there, and then he isn't. Embarrassingly, Daredevil gets there too slowly and aims a kick at nothing but thin air. After he gets to his knees and then his feet, he comes to the quick conclusion that Deadpool is now upon the ground. Dammit.
Consistent waves of emanating sound paint the picture for him and he knows he must get down and get down on the street level now. Daredevil flings himself off the side of the building and plummets downward.
Even the dead have ears DP.. and RPG's going off in the dead of night tend to wake them. Osiris spins in his place, trying to locat the sound, and the flames leaping give him a spot. The next sound in Daredevil's ears is a short series of sonic booms high up as Osiris goes hypersonic, plummeting to the ground like a missile. Despite his height, his great velocity gets him groundbound right about at the same time as the devil, and he lands with a sickening crunch, spiderwebbing the road under his feet and barring Deadpool's path. "Going somewhere?" He asks, pausing. "Deadpool.. mercenary.. insane.. very hard to kill. I think I can manage something." He says eyeing the merc.
Deadpool blinks, brought up short by Osiris' abrupt landing. "Well. Just escaping the blast radius," Deadpool says a bit whimsically. Hah! He's got no idea what's gonna happen next. "I know, right? What a tool. And that /outfit/. And look how tiny he is!" Deadpool cackles and holds a hand out at shoulder level, waving it just above Osiris' head. "What are you, like five feet tall?" he asks the superhero. 
"Also, follow-up- do you have strong feelings about the percussive effects of high explosives? I know The DumbDevil over there does," Deadpool says, jerking a thumb towards Matt Murdock as the Man Without Fear swings into action. 
Then he sets off all the explosives he'd just finished sticking to the back of the vehicle.
The shockwave from the blast sends Daredevil off course, forcing him to miss Deadpool once more. The Man Without Fear becomes the Man without a good landing spot as he ends up smacking into the brick facade of a large branch of a multi-national bank. Hitting the wall hard, Daredevil lies upon the ground in anguish as flames begin to pour out everywhere.
The force of the explosion blows both doors off the truck, and a loud mettalic clang can be heard as the doors strike the boy, driving him forward a few steps, even as the flames washing over him in an all consuming wave! Except... Osiris isn't consumed. He's not even singed. He stands straight once more, looking Deadpool in the eye. "Have to do better than that.." He tells the man.
It's only then that the young man blurs, closing the distance between Deadpool and himself in an instant, driving a fist up into the man's gut with plenty of force.
Deadpool grunts heavily as Osiris hits him hard enough to make a fist-shaped dent pop out of his back. "Hoooooh, that hurt," he gasps. The Merc with the Mouth holds onto Osiris' arm for a moment, clutching weakly, then straightens up. "Wet willy!" he declares cheerily, trying to stick a wet finger into Osiris' ear. "Hahaha, I bet that feels uncomfortable!" he declares. 
"Oh, also, I guess this." While his right hand is distracting Osiris, his left hand is busy unholstering a small automatic pistol, keeping it close to his hip and out of grabbing range. A spray of bullets erupts, the gun chattering noisily as Deadpool tries to ventilate Osiris.
Fighting through the intense pain on the left side of his body, Daredevil gets to his feet as the pair engage in their fisticuffs. He brings the club back over the top of his horned head and whips it downward towards Deadpool's skull with menacing intent. All the while his teeth are clenched as his body screams out in agony and protest.
Osiris shakes his head violently, to disloge the finger. "Fool!" He yells, and his arms come up to protect himself from the spray of bullets. But these too have no effect, each round finding its mark and each round flattening itself against the wall of steel that is the young Osiris. It's like trying to fight a kryptonian. Standard armaments just aren't going to cut it. Maybe he is kryptonian. Have any kryptonite?
But seeing the red devil come charging in, despite the blast he took, Osiris steps aside, and lets the devil have him, maybe he can fix things while DP is distracted. Turning he grips the two walls of the armored truck, the plated steel crunching under his grip. Steel groans and protests but the boy lifts the truck by it's back end and sets it back on it's tires, so it can drive away if it can, before turning his attentions back on the fight.
Deadpool is like, totally ninja. Not like... y'know, Snake Eyes or Batman ninja, but like, took some taekwondo lessons in grade school ninja. So when Osiris simply lets him go, Deadpool watches the way Osiris' eyes move. And the Merc with the Mouth tucks and rolls sideways, moving with superhuman celerity the second Osiris drops him, barely avoiding Matt's brutal overhand swing. 
Deadpool comes up with a katana in one hand and that little automatic pistol in the other, and the TMP sprays a hail of bullets in a scything arc at Daredevil, his katana going into a high guard position at the same time. "Hey, now, /here's/ a more level-appropriate encounter," Deadpool says gleefully. "Street combat to the max! Oh- oh wait. I should do a speech or something." He clears his throat, then goes into a kung fu pose, katana pointed at Matt. "Been a while since we tangled, Daredevil," he declares in an over-the-top voice. "Have you come here to ... see if you've got the moves?!" 
/Dude/. "What?" Man you... you can't make fun of a blind dude. "I can't?" Deadpool sounds baffled. Yeah man, that's like.... way politically incorrect. Even for us. Deadpool scratches his head. "Huh. So.... I don't know how I feel about beating up the differently abled," Deadpool admits to Daredevil. "You, uh... you wanna get a few licks in first, or something? Make it fair?"
Daredevil's body bends at impossible angles and gives off the appearance that he can almost sense the bullets coming. He dodges through the barrage with a lean of this shoulders and quick roll.
As Deadpool gives his speech Daredevil blocks out the sound by simply ignoring it until the Merc ends with asking if he'd like to get a few licks in first.
"Sure."
Daredevil turns the fighting up a notch, continuing to attack Deadpool with an assortment of martial arts and use of the billy club, trying to incapacitate the madman before more damage is done.
Osiris watches this, impressed at the blind man's abilities. Even his gods didn't see that one coming. He can hear the drivers of the armored car trying to get it started, the engine not wanting to turn over, but Osiris's attentions are on the fight right now, watching Daredevils moves and trying to replicate them in his head.
"Ah, sweet deal!" Deadpool crows as Daredevil presses the attack. He happily takes two or three firms hits to the head and chest, then brings his katana sweeping around in long, elegant arcs, the blade thrumming as it splits the air between them. It's a perfect bladed defense, Deadpool's balance and reaction time just as good as Daredevil's preternatural speed and precision. 
"Hey, so, I don't know if you remember the /last/ time we fought," Deadpool says to Daredevil. "It was a different player, I think, and that might have been on the old port." He parries a pair of straight thrusts of the clubs and counters with a quick forward step, bullrushing Matt with the blade held in a static guard. "But I seem to recall you really hate these things." 
Deadpool holds up a small object about the size of a deck of cards, flicks a switch on it, and drops it negligently at Daredevil's feet. 
The Banger-9 goes off with a tremendous concussive *thump*, creating a pressure shockwave between the combatants. Half a second later, like a riot of M-80 firecrackers, the secondary flashbangs detonate in an erratic burst of noise, each as deafening as a gunshot. Deadpool leaps into the air with a spectacular jump and lashes out with a foot, aiming one booted toe directly for the side of Daredevil's jaw.
Daredevil lets out a blood curdling scream as the concussive explosions richochet within his brain over and over. He nearly tears at the sides of his mask as he desperately tries to block out the misery assaulting his senses.
He is simply overloaded and never can sense the foot coming. His jaw breaks almost immediately. Daredevil drops to the asphalt with a groan, knocked senseless by the blow.
Deadpool's flashbangs have almost no effect on the /probably/ kryptonian. Osiris is on Deadpool like white on rice, coming to Daredevil's aid. One fist into Deadpools side, crushing ribs and the organs beneath them with terrifying power.
"You are done here." He tells the mercenary, his other hand smashing into his back intending to break it, driving the man into the dirt at his feet.
Deadpool is just about to kick Matt while he's down- literally- when Osiris clobbers him. He bends pretty well- though there's a definite crack as he's battered back and forth- and a stiletto appears out of nowhere, flickering into Deadpool's hand. Just as Osiris drives in close for the kill, Deadpool jams the minute blade up into the superhuman's left nostril. 
"Don't mind me," he grunts, patting Osiris' cheek. "Just... wanted to pick your brain about something." Haaah! We're so clever. 
Using that blade and the leverage from his other arm, Deadpool flings his broken lower body up and over Osiris' head and brings his full weight down behind Osiris, the stiletto now a handy little grabbing point on Osiris' face. "Sure, you've got superhuman strenth, and durability, and I'm sure, like, superhuman hair, too," Deadpool mutters. "But how do you feel about having a /knife/ up your nose? Martial Arts score of 8, sucker!!!" he declares. 
"....Wet willy!" he adds, wiggling a damp finger in Osiris' ear again.
Osiris flinches at the blade scouring his nose of boogies, but is otherwise unharmed. It's just uncomfortable and annoying as hell. "What? Speak sense fool." He tells the manical jester even as he hops up on his back. But with Deadpool riding Osiris like a newly bit and bridled stallion, Osiris can think of only one place to take him. Straight up. Lots and lots of Up. Space has no harmful effect on the young god, but surely Deadpool won't fare as well.
"Willy this.." He says, gripping the mans ankles with a bone crushing grip, and he crouches, bearing the man's weight effortlesly. But that initial takeoff is a doosey. Osiris's might craters the pavement he stands on and he goes hypersonic at the height of about ten feet off the ground, the massive sonic boom blowing out windows for nearly a block around them. Reaching mach 60 in the space of a few seconds would liquify any normal man, add to that the wind sheer literally tearing Deadpool's skin off and reaching the upper atmostphere in .08 seconds doesn't leave Mr. Wilson very many options other than just hang on.
Deadpool keeps wiggling the finger in Osiris' ear. Mostly for spite. Partially for leverage. It's not much as the rest of him collapses onto Osiris in a gooey and fairly unhygienic mess of blood and mush. 
"Glaaaark. Loookit here, I'ma bleed all over you!!!" Deadpool says as they hit the troposphere, hacking a mushy ball of blood out as the acceleration liquifies him. 
Space is calm. Space is pretty. Space is also fairly bloody. 
Deadpool starts reassembling almost instantaneously. He leaves the knife stuck up the superhuman's nose and starts systematically going through the arsenal. Magnum bullet to the temple. Grenade set off at face level. C-4 into the other ear. Machine gun into the back of the head. None of it works. 
Deadpool sits on Osiris' shoulders, massaging his jaw thoughtfully as the bones reassemble themselves. There's gotta be something we haven't tried. I'm out of ideas. Well, we can't shout at him. Can't burn him. Can't stab, shoot, or explode him. Deadpool goes through a complicated pantomime with his inner voices. Yes, yes, I know. I'm out of ideas too. What if we /taze/ him? 'Ah-hah!' Deadpool pantomimes, holding a finger in the air. 'I have a sneaking suspicion he has a crippling vulnerability to electricity!' Right. Because he's like, kryptonian, or something. Oh, note to self- get some kryptonite. And /every kryptonian is weak against something/. 
Deadpool produces a portable bear taser- the kind they use for tasing bears or extremely overweight rabid Wal-Mart shoppers- and jams it into the base of Osiris' skull.
Osiris ignores Deadpool's antics. The gunshots, the explosions in his face. He manages to pull the stilleto out of his nose and that get's flung away.
But that taser.. oh that taser... that's more annoying by far. But still.. not enough. The points crackle and spark at the back of the boys skull, inciting him to bare his throat and flinch away from the mercenary. There is no air here to carry his words, so throwing the merc away will have to suffice. Let the planet have him. A small and fleshy meteor sometime in the future. The godling backs away from him and angles himself down, soaring back down to Earth and leaving Wade with a wide angle view of the big blue marble they live on. Hopefully his lungs don't burst before he gets a good shot of it.
Lungs burst and healed a long time ago. Wade floats, endlessly healing and dying in the troposphere. He watches Osiris float away, and as the godling disappears into the sunset, Deadpool flips him the bird.
Category:Log