Episode 114: Sandy Duncan/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 114: Sandy Duncan.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Sandy Duncan!
 	The curtain opens on Sandy, on the set for the opening number.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo accidentally drops his mallet, and so hits the gong with his head.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho. I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan. And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair …
 	Enter Crazy Harry, holding a detonator.
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit 	Uh, no.
 	BOOM! Harry sets off an explosion which sends Kermit flying into the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit 	(looks down) Wow. I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gofer, Scooter. It could be a bomb, but uh —
 	
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "bomb"?
Kermit 	Oh no!
 	BOOM! Harry sets off another explosion and laughs. Fozzie waves his way through the smoke as he comes on stage.
Fozzie 	Wow. Heh. Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. OK. Here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!
 	200px
 	Sandy performs "A Nice Girl Like Me," singing and dancing in a bar with several monsters. The Electric Mayhem plays backup.
Waldorf 	Bravo! Bravo!
Statler 	Mm. Wonderful.
Waldorf 	Fantastic.
Statler 	Tremendous. Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy. Heh.
Waldorf 	Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one. (exits)
Statler 	(laughs)
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
Kermit	What?
Fozzie	Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
Kermit	Fozzie, you already owe me five.
 	
Fozzie	(begs) Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit	The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie	Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit	You pay him by the line?
Fozzie	No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit	Oh. Then he owes you money. (chuckles, exits)
Fozzie	Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, Frog!
==The Swedish Chef==
 	The Chef dances with a spatula and a spoon as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them.
 	
Swedish Chef	De spøøns. … (mock Swedish) … de møøfïn. Sëe de møøfïn? (displays a gun) … the bøømå shøøtïn. (mock Swedish)
 	He throws up the muffin and shoots it. The muffin lands with a hole in it. He does the same with two more.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … Dønüt.
==Fozzie's comedy act / Backstage==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" …
Statler	Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit 	In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler	Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit 	I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you. Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight! Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them. Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each. (wiggles his ears) Haaaaa! Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll!
Waldorf	Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Statler	(laughs)
 	
Fozzie 	Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
Statler	Oh, nice segueway.
Waldorf	Smooth.
Statler	Good blend. (they nod)
Fozzie 	Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says…
 	Meanwhile, backstage…
Hilda 	Listen to Fozzie. Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
Kermit 	Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beasley.
 	
Scooter	Not the legendary Gags Beasley?
Kermit 	You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter	Well, who hasn't?
Kermit 	Me, for one.
 	Exit Scooter.
Hilda 	But Gags Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous banana sketch. (giggles)
Kermit 	The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
Hilda 	You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest … (laughs)
 	Fozzie comes backstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Oh, hear that? Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.
Kermit 	Great, great.
Fozzie 	Yeah. I closed with the banana sketch, you know?
Kermit 	Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?!
Fozzie 	(a beat) You never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit 	(frowns)
Fozzie 	Hey guys! Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! (exits)
Kermit 	I think somebody's pulling my leg. (looks down) Somebody is pulling my leg. It's The Great Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	You never heard of the banana sketch? (laughs)
Kermit 	Will you cut that out! (exit Gonzo) Yeesh.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples tango in a ballroom. George tangos with Mildred.
Mildred 	You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George the Janitor	Why? Were they dirty?
 	It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig 	Where'd you say you were born?
Female pig 	In Paris.
Male pig 	Oh. How'd you do that?
Female pig 	The usual way.
 	Rowlf tangos with a woman.
Rowlf 	My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.
Woman 	'Cause the sand is so hot?
Rowlf 	No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.
 	A rabbit and a woman do the tango-hop.
Rabbit 	Do you remember where we first met?
Woman 2 	Yeah. At the hop.
 	Animal tangos with another woman.
Animal 	Haaaahhh. You know, I'm falling for you.
Woman 3 	What can I do?
Animal 	Get out of the way! AAAAHHH!
 	Plop! He falls forward. He gets up and does it again.
Animal 	Wanna join me?
Woman 3 	Yeah.
 	Plop! They both fall forward.
Animal 	Backwards!
 	Plop! They both fall backwards.
Animal 	Excuse me. Sideways.
 	Plop! They both fall sideways.
Woman 3 	Oh, that was fun.
 	
==Inner Beauty==
 	Open on an outdoor patio. Sandy passes by the fountain and spots Sweetums sitting on a bench, sobbing. She walks up to him.
Sandy 	Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sweetums	Huh? You talkin' to me?
Sandy 	Yes. I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Sweetums	Of course I'm crying. I feel sad. I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
Sandy 	(sits down next to him) I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
Sweetums	Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy 	No.
Sweetums	No. I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people. Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and— and flowers wilt.
 	
Sandy 	Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?
Sweetums	Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. (turns to a flower) Hello, flower. (the flower droops) See?
Sandy 	Yeah. Gee …
Sweetums	And then see this dog over here?
Sandy 	Uh-huh.
 	Enter Muppy.
Sweetums	Hello, doggy.
 	Muppy gnaws on Sweetums' hand, then walks off.
Sandy 	Well — but I'm not running away. I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Sweetums	It's true. You're not. A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Sandy 	Yeah, I — I just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know what, if people just took a little time to look past the physical … they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums	Oh! (blushes) I feel so good, so — so loved, so — so beautiful!
Sandy 	You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums	(stands up) Oh, I feel beautiful! (Sandy hugs him) Hello, flower. (the flower stands up) Hello, doggy! (Muppy licks his hand) I feel beautiful! (scats, with a spring in his step) Hello, fountain. Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.
Sandy 	You're welcome.
Sweetums	(trots away) Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
 	Sandy walks to another bench, and encounters Behemoth.
Sandy 	Oh, my. You mustn't look so sad. Oh.
 	
Sandy 	I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
 	PLOP! He hits her in the face with a cream pie.
Sandy 	On the other hand …
 	She giggles and playfully swats at him.
==UK Spot==
	
	Gonzo, accompanied by Rowlf, sings "Nobody."
=="Never Smile at a Crocodile"==
 	Mary Louise rides through the swamp on a crocodile.
Mary Louise 	Hi, everybody!
Frogs 	Hi there!
 	The croc devours a frog.
Mary Louise 	Oh dear. I should have warned him —
Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin.
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.
 	The croc devours another frog.
Mary Louise 	
Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day.
Mary & frogs	Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Mary Louise 	
You may very well be well bred.
Lots of etiquette in your head.
But there's always some special case, time or place
To forget etiquette. For instance:
Frogs 	
Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Crocodile 	
Don't be taken in by my welcome grin
I'm imagining how well you'd fit within my skin…
 	
Frogs 	
Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.
Mary Louise 	Never run, walk away. Say good-night, not good-day.
Frog (RH) 	(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frog (JL) 	(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frogs 	Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Crocodile 	Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch?
 	The frogs disperse. Applause.
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Hey, y'know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk.
Sandy 	Yeah. I enjoy it, yeah.
Fozzie 	Heyyy, Sandy. Heyyy, Kermit.
Kermit 	Yeah, hi, Fozzie.
Sandy 	(giggling) Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.
Kermit 	You can't stay long? (Sandy giggles)
Fozzie 	No. No, I got plen — I got plenty of time.
Kermit 	Well, that's bad news. What's the good news?
Fozzie 	Okay, Frog, see, the good news is, that I have a great idea for — for a sketch… for both of us to play.
Sandy 	Oh.
Kermit 	You want to do a sketch with me?
Fozzie 	No, not you. With Sandy. Yeah.
Sandy 	With me? Oh, that's a — Well, that sounds great, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Sandy 	Who wrote your sketch?
Fozzie 	Oh, my writer, the legendary … (takes off hat) … Gags Beasley.
Sandy 	Oh, come on, Fozzie. Gags Beasley is your writer?
Fozzie 	"Come on?" … You — you know him?
 	They both stammer excitedly.
Sandy 	Of course I know him. I mean — Gags Beasley! He wrote the famous banana sketch.
Fozzie 	That's right!
Kermit 	Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, too, Sandy.
Sandy 	Huh?
Kermit 	Well, tell me, what is this banana sketch?
 	
Sandy 	Heh — you never heard of it? Come on, Kermit. Everybody's heard of the banana sketch.
Fozzie 	I told you, Kermit. (puts his hat back on)
Sandy 	You know something?
Fozzie 	What?
Sandy 	Gags Beasley. I can't believe he's your writer.
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sandy 	You know something? I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.
Fozzie 	Mm-hmm.
Sandy 	Yeah.
Kermit 	It — it's a real classic, this banana sketch?
Sandy 	Yeah.
Kermit 	And it was written by Gags Beasley?
Sandy 	Yeah.
Kermit 	How does it go there, Sandy?
Sandy 	Well, I mean, "Gags," "banana." The words - synonymous, right?
Fozzie 	Right.
Kermit 	You can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.
Sandy 	Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack up. (laughs)
Fozzie 	Me too. (laughs)
Sandy 	Do you? Does it make you laugh?
Fozzie 	Oh, stop.
Sandy 	Listen, hey, Fozzie —
Fozzie 	What? What? What?
Sandy 	Do you use a green banana or a yellow one?
Fozzie 	Oh, yellow. Yellow.
 	Sandy cracks up and so does Fozzie.
Sandy 	A yellow one! I love it!
Kermit 	Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Sandy 	I'm sorry.
Kermit 	Sandy. Sandy, please, please, pretty please. Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please.
Sandy 	What?
Kermit 	What is the banana sketch?
Fozzie 	Go on, tell him. Go ahead, tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Sandy 	(to Fozzie) You wanna tell him?
Fozzie 	You tell him. You tell him. You tell him.
Sandy 	Okay, I'm gonna try.
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Sandy 	Okay. Well, all right. All right.
 	Sandy and Fozzie are barely able to hold their laughter.
Sandy 	Like, these two banan — These two bananas … are walking down the str … I can't stand it. It hurts to laugh.
Waldorf	Tell me the truth, Statler. Do you get the banana sketch?
Statler	No. I get The New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Waldorf	Sorry I asked.
==Muppet Newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered the Guinness Book of Records by establishing the world jumping-in-place record. Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped 652,000 times.
 	
Sandy 	652,001. (jumps)
Newsman	Mrs. Bonkers…
Sandy 	652,002. (jumps)
Newsman	Uh, Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?
 	Zoom in on her.
Sandy 	Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.
Newsman	Uh, how's that?
Sandy 	I am standing on a hot plate. Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! 652,003! (jumps)
Newsman	Truly a courageous and inspiring story. (picks up the phone) Where do we get these nuts? (scowls)
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital. Veterinarian's Hospital.
 	Rowlf and Janice go onstage.
Miss Piggy	Oh, frog of my life, please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.
Kermit 	What's that, Piggy?
Miss Piggy	That you, you — host of a television show, veteran of the boards — you have never heard of the banana sketch?
 	
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cool and looking like a bad sport … THERE IS NO BANANA SKETCH! THERE NEVER WAS A BANANA SKETCH AND THERE NEVER WILL BE A BANANA SKETCH! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy	Touchy, touchy. (goes onstage)
 	
Banana 	Hey, which way to my dressing room? And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.
 	Kermit breaks down in tears.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy checks her hair, looks around, then walks to the operating table where the patient lies.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
 	Rowlf blows his nose.
Miss Piggy	Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob? This is your first transplant.
Rowlf 	Well, there's always a second chance. (laughs)
Janice 	But uh, what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	I don't mean him. I mean me. Let me check into something.
 	
Rowlf 	Huh. The old ticker still sounds great.
Miss Piggy	Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?
Rowlf 	No. I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up. (laughs)
Announcer 	So Dr. Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr. Bob say…
Rowlf 	Well, let's look on the bright side. At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went.
 	They all laugh.
Waldorf 	That's wonderful, wonderful, right, Statler?
 	He notices Statler's not there. He looks over the balcony.
Waldorf 	Good grief, did he jump?
=="Try to Remember"==
	
	Sandy sings "Try to Remember" to Kermit in a peaceful setting. Slowly, a whole group of Muppets arrive to listen in.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, once again it's time to fold up our tents, but before we go, we'd like to give a special thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
 	Applause as Sandy emerges.
Sandy 	Thank you. Thank you. Kermit, I want you to know I had a good time.
Kermit 	Oh, me, too. Hey, and you know how some shows give their guest star a dozen roses at the end of the show?
Sandy 	You shouldn't have.
Kermit 	I didn't. Hey, banana boy!
 	
 	Fozzie gives her a dozen bananas. Sandy snickers.
Fozzie 	Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine.
Sandy 	It's all right. I love it. I love all of you. (hugs Fozzie)
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Kermit 	Yeah, well. I hope that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Sandy 	(waves) Thank you.
 	The credits roll.
Statler	Well, how'd you like the show?
Waldorf	Well, maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it. Have a banana. (laughs)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts