Les Poissons (Sheriff of Nottingham version)

Inside the dining room, Gideon was standing near the window, looking out into the distance. While the Grand Duke was seated at the large table, beginning to clean his pipe, Gideon was waiting patiently for Alice to arrive as he tried desperately to reason with the crimson cat.
"Oh, Gideon, be reasonable," said the Grand Duke, feeling clearly amused while waving his pipe in the air. "Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some -"
Gideon cut him off. "I'm tellin' you, Duke, she was REAL!" He said, "I'm gonna find that girl. And I'm gonna marry her." He put his left hand over his chin, gazing out the glass windows.
Suddenly, laughter was heard from behind him. He turned his head to see the lover with the maid.
"Come on, honey." Said a voice, "Don't be shy."
It was Cinderella. She stood by the door frame, guiding the lover into the dining room.
Out of the shadows came Alice.
Alice was now wearing a light blue dress with wrapped off-the-shoulder sleeves (similar to Belle's dress), matching opera gloves, and matching shoes. She was still wearing her black hair ribbon.
This was a new look for Alice, and she showed that she was being treated well by the servants.
Gideon's eyes widened as the Grand Duke walked up behind the cat.
"Oh, Gideon, isn't she a vision?" Asked the Grand Duke
The grin he had was never slipping off his face. Gideon's mouth hung open. But he closed his mouth and swallowed, feeling somewhat nervous.
"You look - wonderful." Gideon stammered.
Alice, unable to say, "Thank you," replied with a gentle blush, she shrugged her shoulders, appreciating the nice comment, a smile on her face as her blue eyes looked up from behind her blonde hair.
Gideon blushed a light pink as the Grand Duke helped Gideon into his chair, quite enthusiastic, but not before giving the young princess a light nudge. Gideon pursed his lips, but grinned nonetheless.
"Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There we go - ah - quite comfy?"
He helped the princess into her seat. Gideon tucked the chair under the table as the blonde-haired girl sat down.
"Uh, it's...it's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh, Gideon?"
Alice wasn't playing attention anymore. She was too intrigued by the glistening silver dinglehopper resting on the table. With a wide smile, she picked up the shiny object and began brushing her hair with it. She looked up to face a confused Gideon and a horrified Grand Duke. Alice delicately placed the 'dinglehopper' back on the table and looked down in embarrassment.
She bit her lip and looked up as she saw the Grand Duke using a lighter to ignite the coppery thing that Alice understood as a snarfblatt. The Grand Duke kindly smiled at her, and handed her his pipe. "Uh, do you like it?" He asked, "It is a rather fine..."
The Grand Duke stopped in mid-sentence when the blonde-haired girl blew into the pipe as if it was a trumpet, sending a cloud of smoke spurting out the top and straight into his face. Gideon cracked up with laughter while Cinderella gave a small giggle. "Oh, my!" She exclaimed.
Gideon cleared his throat, trying to regain composure. "Ahem. I'm sorry, Duke."
Cinderella smiled, placing a hand on the crimson cat's shoulder. "Why, Gideon," she said. "That's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks."
Alice looked up from the table and smiled. "Oh, very amusing," said the Grand Duke, as he used a handkerchief to wipe the last bit of smoke of his face and sniffed. "Cinderella, my dear, what's for dinner?"
"Oooh, you're gonna love it!" Cinderella smiled. "Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed meerkat!"
Timon poked his head out from behind a sugar bowl and gasped upon seeing the chef of a French kitchen. He was an obese gray wolf. He wears red sheriff clothing, crimson shoes, puffy sleeves with magenta stripes, a gold star badge, a gold medallion, a white chef's hat, and a matching apron. He was the Sheriff of Nottingham, the French chef of the kitchen. The Sheriff rummaged through a cupboard. Singing in French to himself, he hummed to himself as he took a basket of trout and putting one on a counter. With his food ready, the fat wolf chef started singing.
Sheriff: Les poissons Les poissons How I love les poissons Love to chop And to serve little fish''
Grabbing the trout from the basket, the Sheriff pulled out a cleaver and violently chopped off its head. This shocked Timon horribly. Horrified that this was happening, Timon hid his face.
Sheriff: First I cut off their headsThen I pull out the bonesAh mais ouiCa c'est toujours delish
Taking out another trout, Sheriff took the cleaver and violently chopped off its head then proceeded to skin it and gut it while Timon leaned against a wall and covered his mouth, feeling quite sick, feeling as if he may want to throw up.
Sheriff: Les poissonsLes poissonsHee hee heeHah hah hahWith the cleaver I hack them in two
Taking out another trout, the Sheriff again chopped its head and then chopped the rest of the body into tiny pieces. Timon tried getting away, but he found himself face to face with the trout's head.
Sheriff: I pull out what's insideAnd I serve it up fried'Cause I love little fishesDon't you?
After cutting the trout's head off, the Sheriff pulled out the insides of the trout and cooked it on a frying pan before serving it on a plate.
Spotting a large lettuce leaf, Timon grabbed the leaf and used it to disguise himself as he slowly scuttled away from an unsuspecting chef, who is too absorbed into his little fish hacking mania but the Sheriff took a mallet and began smashing a tuna flat.
Sheriff: Here's something for tempting the palatePrepared in the classic techniqueFirst you pound the fish flat with a mallet
When the Sheriff pounded the tuna flat with the mallet, Timon flew off the counter along with other stuff on it. He hid again under the lettuce before hearing more gross stuff from the Sheriff's preparations for the tuna.
Sheriff: Then you slash through the skinGive the belly a sliceThen you rub some salt in'Cause that makes it taste nice
When the Sheriff was describing those horrid moves, Timon cringed even more.
Just after the Sheriff put the salt on he rather was holding the fish body close to his cheek, Timon worst fear was confirmed when the cook reached out and grabbed the lettuce leaf, leaving him exposed. The small meerkat kept perfectly still as the chef gasped,
"Zut alors!" Exclaimed the Sheriff, "I have missed one!" He picked up the 'dead' meerkat and continued singing,
Sheriff: Sacre bleuWhat is this?How on earth could I missSuch a sweet little succulent meerkat?Quel dommageWhat a lossHere we goIn the sauceNow some flourI think just a spurt
The Sheriff tossed Timon into a bowl of sauce and threw a spot of flour in his face, making him cough and sneeze before pulling him out and stuffing some breadcrumbs in his mouth.
Sheriff: Now I stuff you with breadIt don't hurt 'cause you're deadAnd you're certainly lucky you are
Timon spat out the breadcrumbs and wheezed loudly. The Sheriff didn't notice that the meerkat in his hand was still alive.
Sheriff: 'Cause it's gonna be hotIn my big silver potToodle looMon poissonAu revoir!
The Sheriff threw Timon across the room into a large pot of boiling water. Timon held on to the inside of the pot before a bubble popped, burning him out of the pot and onto the counter with a loud thud.
The Sheriff, hearing the thud, looked over to it being confused. He used a pitchfork-like utensil and stabs on either side of the meerkat, picking up Timon and carefully inspected it. "What is this?" He asked. Timon bit the Sheriff's nose, making him scream in pain as he held his nose.
Timon landed on the handle of a pan on the stove. The Sheriff reached for the meerkat, but instead put his hand on the fiery hot stove. The chef screamed and blew on his hand as the pan fell onto his foot. The Sheriff grabbed his foot and cried in pain, before sending Timon an angry glare, grabbing a bunch of knives and hurling them at the meerkat.
Timon, who ducked each knife, dove under the counter, and while the chef was looking under the counter, Timon pushed the bowl of sauce off the counter. The bowl shattered on his head. Going more insane, the Sheriff lifted his cleaver and brought it down. But all he managed to chop up was the counter.
He saw Timon running for his life. Timon screamed as he tried getting out. The cleaver landed right in front of him, stopping him from running that way. He quickly made a mad dash underneath the Sheriff and hid underneath a cabinet of glasses and pottery. The Sheriff screamed, holding his mallet in his hand, Timon hid as the psychotic chef jumped and crashed into the shelves.
Back in the dining room, everyone heard loud crashes coming from the kitchen.
Cinderella, who was pouring drinks for the prince, the Grand Duke, and their young guest, looked in the direction of the kitchen at the sound of a large crash. "I think I'd better go see what the Sheriff of Nottingham is up to." she said. Once she had excused herself, she hurriedly made her way to the palace kitchen.
Back in the kitchen, the insane chef, ripped clothes and all, was tearing apart the cabinet, mindlessly throwing things out of the way trying to find Timon. "Come out, you little pipsqueak, and fight like a man!" He snarled. He continued to tear apart a cupboard.
"Sheriff!" Shouted Cinderella.
He shot up, banging his head on the shelf, causing several new pots and pans to fall or break on the floor, at the sound of Cinderella's shrill voice. His clothes and apron were torn and stained, his chef's hat, star badge, and medallion were gone, he only had one shoe, and there was a hole in the elbow of his uniform.
"What are you doing?" Cinderella demanded.
The Sheriff stammered about what he was doing earlier. "Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, madame." He finally said. Cinderella scowled at the fat wolf as he gave her an apologetic grin and pinched out a fire that had started on his furry cheek.
Cinderella picked up the plates - which all had a metal dome over the top - off a nearby bench, and storming out the kitchen. "Well, I never!" She exclaimed in disgust.
The Grand Duke set his glass back on the table as the Cinderella placed their dinners in front of him, Alice, and Gideon. "You know, Gideon," he said. "perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour?"
Gideon simply sat there, staring at Alice with a lovestruck expression on his face. Realizing that the Grand Duke had said something to them, they snapped out of their daze. Gideon let out a small chuckle and looked at the Grand Duke. "I'm sorry, Duke." He said, "What was that?"
The Grand Duke leaned over to the male crimson cat and whispered, "You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. Get your mind off-"
As the Grand Duke complained, he opened his dish, and Timon was huddled inside. Alice noticed Timon and became worried. Timon quietly shushed the worried blonde-haired girl, who opened her dish and urged for Timon to quickly hide in hers.
"Easy, Duke, easy." Said Gideon, "It's not a bad idea. If she's interested."
As the two chatted, Timon quickly and quietly dashed across the table and hid in Alice's dish. With Timon safe, Alice quickly turned to Gideon.
"Well, what do you say?" Asked Gideon. "Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow?"
Alice nodded, genuinely excited by the prospect and also internally relieved.
"Wonderful!" Beamed the Grand Duke. "Now let's eat, before this meerkat wanders off my plate." He looked down, only to be confused that Timon had just run off his plate.
Dinner got carried on into the evening long after the sun had set and afterwards, Alice, Gideon, and the Grand Duke went their separate ways.
Alice was now dressed in her nightclothes as she watched Gideon play with Robespierre from the balcony.
Alice was now wearing light blue pajamas that consists of a T-shirt and pants.
"Come here boy!" Gideon laughed to Robespierre, "Arrr!!!" He knelt on the ground and Robespierre ran up to him and called, "Here I come, Gideon!" Gideon growled playfully at the kitten as he pinned him down. He looked up and smiled when he saw that the blonde-haired girl he'd found on the beach that day, watching. Gideon waved at Alice, and she waved back, before slipping further back into her room. Gideon's eyes sparkled as his smile widened. He was actually really looking forward to taking her around his kingdom tomorrow, and could only hope that she felt the same way.
Alice smiled as she brushed her hair with her fork. Timon complained about his experience in the kitchen as he cleaned off the cooking spices. "This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life." he complained.
Alice patted Timon on the head.
"I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady!" Scolded the meerkat, as he waved his lettuce leaf at Alice while she walked over to her bed.
Alice's bed was a large canopy bed with light blue mattresses & matching bedsheets & pillows, large cerulean curtains (with golden draw-tassels) on all four sides (attached to the cerulean canopy), blue blankets, white linens, a warm, fuzzy aquamarine blanket, & blue mahogany bedposts (with a headboard of the same color & material).
Anyway, Timon told Alice, "Now, we've got to make a plan to get that cat to kiss you."
She opened the curtains and bounced a little before settling back into the large pillow on the left side of the canopy bed and crawled under the covers.
"Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best." Said Timon.
Alice lay in her bed. It was very comfy and warm. It was a nice place for her to sleep for the night.
"You're gonna bat your eyes - like this," Timon went on, as he batted his eyes and puckered his lips. "You gotta pucker up your lips - like this."
But by now, he realized that Alice was already fast asleep. Timon shook his head and smiled. "Hm." He blew out the candle on the bed side table. He hopped onto one of Alice's pillows, closed the curtains, and before falling asleep himself, he said, "You are hopeless, child. You know that?" He yawned and closed his eyes as Alice covered him up with her aquamarine blanket. "Completely hopeless!"
And with that, Alice and Timon both fell asleep for the night.
Category:Fan Fiction
Category:Hero/Heroine Songs
Category:The Little Mermaid Fanmake
Category:The Little Mermaid Fanfiction
Category:The Little Mermaid Parodies
Category:The Little Mermaid Movie Spoofs
Category:The Little Mermaid Spoofs
Category:Songs