All Hell Breaks Loose

The fifth chapter of Total Drama Revolution, posted on July 24, 2011.
==Story==
Chris is in a spa, lying on a table with his shirt off. "Yeah, Mildred, come on. A little better massaging." he says.
The masseur, whose head is turned away from the camera, curses, and says in a womanly voice, "Chris, you better give me 50 grand for this."
"Nah, only $20. I'm falling behind." says Chris.
The woman curses, and leaves in a huff.
Chris notices the camera pointing at him.
"Oh! Last time, on Total Drama Revolution, the campers made skits and performed them for yours truly, my lazy assistant Chef, and Helga. The Bugs won by a large margin, thanks to Vincecca Blackiewicz and rappin' Donny. The Platypi lost, thanks to Kavren, who was wearing a banana suit for some reason, and voted out the jerkish Northworth, even though it was his birthday. How will the teams do today? Find out on Total Drama Revolution!"
Mattie is having a nightmare.
She is in her bed, but it is floating up towards the sky. The clouds are made of cotton candy, and jellybeans are raining down. Toad pops out of nowhere, naked and censored, and says "Hey, baby."
Mattie wakes up screaming her head off.
"What the crap is going on with you?" asks Abbey.
"I had a nightmare about that midget on the other team." says Mattie.
"You mean Todd?" asks Abbey.
"Toad." says Mattie. "He was naked."
"Maybe it's an omen." says Abbey disturbingly.
"Aw, shut up." says Mattie, and she playfully punches Abbey in the arm.
Donny is knocking obnoxiously on the bathroom door.
"OPEN UP, VINCENT. I GOTTA WAZZ." says Donny loudly.
"Wazz somewhere else." says a voice from inside.
"Vincent, you're not even constipated. You brought your laptop in there." says Donny.
"I have a very good reason." says Vincent.
Donny rolls his eyes. "What adult video is it now?"
"Not an adult video. It's this MyCircler. She's super-hot." says Vincent.
"Open the door, and let me see." says Donny quickly.
Vincent opens the door, and shows Donny.
"Wow, she is super-hot." says Donny.
"I'm totally gonna marry her." says Vincent.
"Yeah, I don't think..." says Donny. But then, he looks at Vincent's hair, and at the girl's username. "You'd be a perfect couple."
"Who're you in love with?" asks Vincent.
Donny sits there quietly.
Ori pops in.
"Chelsey." he says, and pops out.
Donny stares out into space.
Meanwhile, Tasia is asleep, and Kim is trying to wake her up.
"Come on, Tasia. We must strategize about who we're gonna take out next." says Kim.
Tasia snores loudly.
"DON'T MAKE ME VOTE YOU OFF." says Kim.
Tasia wakes up. "Huh, whaaaat?"
"Never mind." says Kim, and giggles evilly.
"'Ey, man, let's have a rematch in arm-wrestling." says Gustavo.
"No." says Dolph grumpily.
"C'mon, you're jus' mad that I beat you las' time." says Gustavo.
"Shut up." says Dolph.
"COME ON, YOU NARD. LET'S ARM WRESTLE, OR YOU'S GON' WAKE UP WIT' A BROKEN CROTCH." says Gustavo.
"All righ', all righ'. Sheesh." says Dolph.
Gustavo immediately beats Dolph in less than a second.
"See, was that anything to get all riled up about?" asks Gustavo.
"Oh, I was the one who got riled up?" asks Dolph sarcastically.
Dolph says in the confessional, "I hate Gustavo. I thought he'd be my buddy, but he sucks. I'm voting him out next, definitely."
Meanwhile, the Platypi are in a slump.
"Let's totally try to win this time." says Antoine.
"Now that crappy Northworth is out, our team is epic." says Trick, while polishing his skateboard.
"Mhm." says Chelsey. "Elle, quit curling your hair, I need to use the bathroom."
"Nu." says Elle from inside the bathroom.
Toad is watching Kavren fart with his armpits.
"Right now, you're the Prince of Comedy." says Toad.
"Who's the king?" asks Kavren.
"Yours truly." says Toad.
"Yeah, right. You're not funny at all." says Kavren.
"All right. Whoever makes others laugh the most wins the title of 'King of Komedy.' " says Toad. "And the loser has to ask out a girl."
"Oh, man, it's on." says Kavren.
Toad walks up to Cammy, who's on an online forum.
"It better be quick, Toad, I just got promoted to a mod." says Cammy.
Toad makes an obnoxious laughing noise.
"Not funny. And I just banned a troll, so shush. You're ruining my glory." says Cammy.
"Problem?" asks Toad.
"Yes, I do have a problem. The site just froze on me." says Cammy.
"FFFFFUUUUU--" says Toad.
"Stop spouting out the memes, they're only funny when me or Gary say them." says Cammy.
Toad glares at Kavren, who winks.
"Hey, MacKenzie, I'm naked." says Kavren.
MacKenzie doesn't bother to even turn around.
"Keep it PG." says Chris, who suddenly comes in.
"Whoa, Chris, when'd you get in here?" asks Toad.
"I've been in here for five minutes." says Chris.
"Actually, the show is PG-13." says Cammy.
"Come outside, the challenge is about to start." says Chris.
The campers are lead outside, and see Northworth.
"What the crap is he doing here? I thought we eliminated him." says Trick.
"We did, don't worry. He had a great idea for a challenge, though, so we decided to use it. Northy, mind telling them?" asks Chris.
"All right, you turd-suckers." says Northworth. "You guys are gonna pick two people from each team to dress up as babies. I've supplied strollers, and you're gonna push the babies around the city, to the finish line."
"So, kind of like a warped version of that New York challenge in World Tour?" asks Cammy.
"Mhm. And you're gonna wear nothing but diapers." says Northworth.
"What about the girls?" asks Chelsey.
Northworth winks, then leaves. "Time to pick babies."
"All right, I think Vincent should be the baby for our team." says Dolph.
"What? Why?" asks Vincent.
"You're th' smallest." says Gustavo.
"And...?" asks Vincent.
"You'd fit in that baby carriage over there." says Donny.
"Well, I do look good without a shirt on..." says Vincent seductively.
Ori hands Vincent a diaper. "TAKE IT BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU."
Vincent takes off his shirt, pants, and goes behind a tree. He then comes back with the diaper on.
"That's hilarious." says Mattie.
"An' who's gon' be th' other baby?" asks Kim.
"I'll do it, maaaan." says Tasia.
Kim shakes her head.
"I ain't wearin' this diaper." says Gustavo, holding up a large diaper with flies buzzing around it.
"Get that thing away from me!" says Donny.
Elle says in the confessional, "Ugh, this episode has too much potty humor. It's kind of creeping me out. And it's all stupid Northworth's fault."
Finally, the teams are ready. Tasia and Vincent are the Bugs' babies.
"At least you still have a shirt," says Kim. "Glad you didn't take it off."
"This is degrading." says Vincent, sitting in the baby carriage.
"Childhood can be a bit traumatizing." says Dolph.
The Epic Platypi's baby is Kavren.
"Who's the other baby?" asks Kavren.
"ANTOINE!" screams Cammy.
"Come back!" says MacKenzie.
"We just want to put this diaper on ya." says Trick, riding on his skateboard.
Antoine is hiding behind a garbage can with his sunglasses and his hat off.
"No way, man. I ain't wearin' that. At least I have some self-respect." says Antoine.
"Fine, then, I guess we'll just have one baby." says Trick.
"But we'll lose." says MacKenzie.
Trick knees MacKenzie in the stomach.
"Ow, that hurt." says MacKenzie.
Chris walks up to them.
"The race started five minutes ago." he says.
Toad screams, and starts pushing Kavren in his stroller.
"Hey, look, a french fry place." says Kavren.
"FOCUS!" screams Toad.
Kavren leaps out of the carriage.
"What are you doing, idiot?" asks Toad.
"I am a baby, I am a baby." says Kavren. "Baby fat tummy." He pulls up his shirt.
Toad begins to laugh hysterically.
"Baby, baby, baby big booty." He shakes his butt.
"Wow, Kavren, you're the King of Komedy..." says Toad. He then stops, realizing what he just said. "Oh, man."
"HA! I'm the King of Komedy, and you aren't! So you have to ask out a girl! In your face, loser!" says Kavren.
"We're still buds, right?" asks Toad.
"Uh-huh, sure." says Kavren, leaping back into the carriage. "But push me some more, and I'll be your best bud."
Elle and Chelsey have watched that whole thing.
"That was scary." says Chelsey. "We better leave before he asks one of us out."
"You're gonna reject him, right?" asks Elle.
"He's not asking me out. Nuh-uh. No way." says Chelsey.
"If he asks me out, I'm probably gonna laugh in his face." says Elle.
"And his popularity will totally go down." says Chelsey.
"Good call." says Elle.
Vincent and Donny have ditched the group and are at a pretzel stand.
"Ooh, pretzels!" says Vincent. "I'll have a cheese-filled pretzel with cinnamon."
"I'm not serving anyone with a diaper on." says the pretzel guy.
"Say, I think I know you from somewhere..." says Donny.
"It's that smoothie guy!" shouts Vincent.
"Oh my god." says Donny. "Oh my god."
"Sirs, please make your orders and leave." says the smoothie/pretzel guy.
"We're out of here." says Donny.
Abbey and Mattie come up to them.
"There you are! We've been looking all over for you." says Mattie.
"Why'd you stupid boys ditch us?" asks Abbey.
"We were hungry, I guess." says Vincent.
"The Platypi are almost at the finish line!" says Mattie. "Come on!"
"All right, all right, simmer down." says Vincent.
"Shut up." says Abbey.
Chris and Chef are waiting "patiently" at the finish line.
"It's been, like, fifty days." says Chef.
"It's been a half-hour. Calm your moobs." says Chris.
"I really need a raise..." grumbles Chef.
"Oh, there they are. That's the Platypi, I think." says Chris.
The Platypi get to the finish line.
"All right, guys, you won this disturbing challenge. Now, let's wait for the Bugs." says Chris.
5 hours later, the Dancing Bugs come to the finish line.
"Votin' off time." says Chef.
Trick and Antoine are conversing in their cabin.
"I don't know, I just kind of want to do it." says Trick.
"It sounds like a great idea, man." says Antoine. "Go for it."
"Fleedle, deedle." says Kavren, popping up behind the two.
"Get away, Kav. We're talking about manly things, and you're not a man." says Antoine.
"Okay. I'm going to do it. Wish me luck, man." says Trick.
Antoine clicks with his mouth.
Cammy is on her online forum. "Hey, Trick."
"Listen. I've been thinking about something..." says Trick.
"You mean how long Longcat is in centimeters? Yeah, I've been thinking about that too." says Cammy.
"No, not that." chuckles Trick. "I'd like to, maybe..."
Antoine mouths, "Come on, you jive turkey."
"Wangooutwime?" asks Trick.
"Pardon?" says Cammy.
"Wanna, um, go out with me?" asks Trick.
Cammy's face turns bright red. "Oh, Trick. That sounds kind of fun. I'd like to go out with you."
"Um, okay." says Trick.
"All right." says Cammy.
Antoine dances about happily.
"What's his deal?" asks Cammy. "He seems like he's trolling you."
"Nah, we're buddies." says Trick.
Trick says in the confessional, "YEEEEESSSSS! Irving is so pumped for me." He then pretends to have his skateboard talk. "Mmm-hmmm. Totally, Patty!"
Chris is at the elimination ceremony.
"You Bugs cast your votes. The first marshmallow goes to Tasia."
"Marshmallows again, maaaaan?" asks Tasia.
"Kim, Mattie, Abbey, and Gustavo." says Chris.
The four get their marshmallows.
"Donny and Ori." says Chris.
The boys get their marshmallows.
"Vincent and Dolph, the final marshmallow goes to..."
"Vincent."
"Thanks, mate." says Vincent, and pops the marshmallow in his mouth.thumb|Dolph makes an, er, interesting exit. 
"Why did you little hob-knockers vote for me? Teasing is WRONG! I will get my revenge on you little dumb turds. Dolph Anderson Alfred Garrison Harrison Larrison Barrison Rainbows III is AWAY!" says Dolph, and he leaps into the air, and flies away on a rainbow pop tart cat.
"Um, what?" asks Chris.
==Author's Notes==
*The chapter title wasn't a reference to anything in particular, just meant to describe the increasing ridiculousness of the events taking place (from the diaper-themed challenge to Dolph's bizarre exit).
*Chris' masseuse (incorrectly stated as a 'masseur' here) was, of course, Blaineley.
*The scene with Vincent and Donny thirsting over a female 'MyCircler' was edited a few years after the fact, getting rid of any specific references to her name. This is because she was originally named 'Sonicxluv46' and meant to be a parody of Christina Grimmie, a singer who was eventually murdered by an insane fan. Having a reference to her, especially one where she gets drooled over, felt a little too depressing even by TDRev's standards. She was also meant to be a character in the beta version of Total Drama Tokyo, but was (thankfully) scrapped.
*Kavren references: saying "Hey MacKenzie, I'm naked" was a line this guy in my seventh grade art elective would use while trying to get a reaction out of me, and his "I am a baby" shtick was something a five-year-old once did at my summer camp.
*Trick and Cammy were the first relationship planned for the story, but I didn't intend them to be nearly as unlikable as they ended up. 
*Dolph was always meant to be a minor character/early boot, and the Nyan cat scene was originally just for the sake of being "random xD." I didn't intend to make him a recurring threat until far later on, right around the end of the pre-merge.