Transcripts/The Tangerine Factor

==Season 1 - Episode 17 - The Tangerine Factor==
Scene 	Living room of Apartment 4A
Sheldon	Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.
Howard 	No, it's Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)
Sheldon	Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.)
Howard 	What's this? (Repeats hand movements.)
Sheldon	That's what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.
Howard 	Well it's not.
Sheldon	How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it's your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.
Howard 	You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon	Why?
Howard 	Once you're fluent you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Leonard	(Entering) Hey!
Sheldon	Mai du lui tsa.
Howard 	You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.
Sheldon	My apologies Leonard, I'm only as good as my teacher.
Leonard	Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon	I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them.
Leonard	If I were you, I'd be more concerned by what they're passing off as chicken.
Penny 	(Storming in) I need to use your window.
Leonard	Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead.
Penny 	(Opening window) Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out the window.)
Leonard	What's going on?
Penny 	Oh, I'll tell you what's going on, that stupid self-centered bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centered bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)
Sheldon	Okay, where were we?
Howard 	Not now, I have a blog to find.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	Leonard approaches Penny’s door and knocks.
Leonard	Penny, are you okay?
Penny 	(Voice off) I'm fine, Leonard, just go away.
Leonard	Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful....
Penny 	GO AWAY!
Leonard	Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn't want to talk.
Sheldon	Not surprising. Penny's emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centered in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk.
Raj 	(Entering) Hey, look, I found an iPod.
Howard 	It's smashed beyond repair, what are you going to do with it?
Raj 	What else? Sell it on eBay as slightly used.
Leonard	It was Penny's boyfriend's, they broke up.
Howard 	Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.
Leonard	You know what, I'm going to go back and try talking to her again.
Howard 	Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.
Leonard	I'm not going to do that, Howard.
Sheldon	I'm not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.
Leonard	What about “damsel in distress?”
Sheldon	Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You'd also have to be knighted for that to apply.
Leonard	I don't care. She's upset, I'm going over there.
Howard 	Remember to sit on your hands a bit so they're warm.
Leonard	I'm her friend, I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Howard 	What, so you're saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her, right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
Leonard	I said I'm her friend. Not her gay friend.
Scene 	Apartment 4B. Penny is eating ice cream from the tub.
Leonard	(Knocking and entering) Hey, listen, I know you said that you didn't want to talk...
Penny 	I don't.
Leonard	(Leaving) Sorry.
Penny 	Wait.
Leonard	Wait, did you say wait?
Penny 	Tell me the truth. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers?
Leonard	No. No.
Penny 	Okay, so I pick good guys, but turn them into losers.
Leonard	Of course not.
Penny 	Well, it's got to be one or the other, which is it?
Leonard	I'm sorry, what were the choices again?
Penny 	I really thought Mike was different, I thought he was sensitive and smart. I mean, not you smart, normal non-freaky smart.
Leonard	Yeah, no, sure.
Penny 	You know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
Leonard	Actually it's not all that easy to find.
Penny 	Yeah, really, well my friends at work found it, my sister found it, judging by my email a number of prisoners at the Michigan State Penitentiary found it.
Leonard	Okay, well, what exactly did this guy write, not that I need to know the details of your sex life, I just thought.... never mind.
Penny 	Nope, you know what, you might as well read it, everybody else has, go ahead. Oh God, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Leonard	Okay, well, you know, this isn't that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who's open to expressing her affection in non traditional locales.
Penny 	Oh God!
Leonard	Elevators, parks, movie theaters, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny 	Sandwich shop.
Leonard	Doesn't that violate the health code?
Penny 	No, at the sub shop we were only making out.
Leonard	Huh. Okay. But my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.
Penny 	Really, do you think I overreacted?
Leonard	Maybe a little.
Penny 	‘Cause I do that, I do overreact. Maybe I should call Mike and apologize.
Leonard	No. No, no, that, that would be underreacting. He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and, in your case, the elevator, parks, and fast food franchise.
Penny 	Yes. You're right. I should just say I'm done with him.
Leonard	Yes, you should, go ahead, say it.
Penny 	But I never gave the man a chance to explain.
Leonard	What is there to explain, it's all right here, it's a betrayal.
Penny 	No, you were right the first time, this is a man who loves me, but in his own stupid way he was just trying to show people how he feels.
Leonard	I'm pretty sure I never said that.
Penny 	No, you did better than that, you helped me see it on my own.
Leonard	Aw, good for me. Where are you going?
Penny 	I'm going over to Mike's. Leonard, thank you so much.
Leonard	Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend.
Scene 	Apartment 4A. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.
Sheldon	Howard, I'm going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn't make my point with those people.
Howard 	For God's sake, Sheldon, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon	I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
Leonard	Can we please change the subject.
Raj 	Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
Leonard	Just roll the dice.
Raj 	(Rolls and moves) Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll two, four or six-
Leonard	(Blurts oiut) She was mad at him! She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair, and I walked over there and I fixed it!
Howard 	Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
Sheldon	Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling; previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Leonard	Just... eat your tangerine chicken.
Sheldon	I'd love to, but I don't have tangerine chicken.
Penny 	(Storming in) Thank you so much for your stupid advice. (Slams door again.)
Raj 	Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw-up.
Scene 	Apartment 4B
Leonard	(Knocking and entering) I'm back.
Penny 	I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's not your fault.
Leonard	What happened?
Penny 	Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
Leonard	Yeah, I know, I know that part.
Penny 	But he had already moved on.
Leonard	Already, that was quick.
Penny 	That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Leonard	Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
Penny 	How could he do that.
Leonard	Oh, well, you know, you did throw an 8 gig iPod... yeah, no, how could he do that.
Penny 	I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard	Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny 	You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard	What about me?
Penny 	What about you what?
Leonard	What about if you went out with me?
Penny 	Are you asking me out?
Leonard	Um... yes... I am... asking you out.
Penny 	Wow.
Leonard	I was just going off your comment about the nice guy...
Penny 	No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard	(Continuing through Penny) ...thing and honest but, it's no big deal...
Penny 	Yes.
Leonard	Yes what?
Penny 	Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard	Really?
Penny 	Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard	Yeah. That's the spirit.
Scene 	The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.
Sheldon	Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your...
Penny 	(Tapping him on the shoulder) Sheldon.
 	(Jumping in panic) Aieee ya! Xia si wo le.
Penny 	I'm sorry. Look, do you have a second.
Sheldon	A second what? Pair of underwear?
Penny 	I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It's about Leonard.
Sheldon	Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny 	Well, Raj can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.
Sheldon	Yes, I suppose he is.
Penny 	All I'm saying is, you know Leonard the best.
Sheldon	Not necessarily. I'm often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don't condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponized. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)
Penny 	Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.
Sheldon	We’re not done?
Penny 	No.
Sheldon	Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway.
Penny 	Okay, so, here's the thing. I guess you're aware that Leonard asked me out.
Sheldon	Well, he didn't actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
Penny 	Oh, that's nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just... want to sit down?
Sheldon	Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don't spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.
Penny 	Well, choose.
Sheldon	There are a number of options and, I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Penny 	Alright, why don't you just pick one at random, and then if you don't like it you can sit somewhere else next time.
Sheldon	No, no, that's crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
Penny 	Okay. Um, here's the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me...
Sheldon	A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
Penny 	Alright, yeah, I don't really know who they are...
Sheldon	Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon...
Penny 	Yeah, I don't care, I don't care. The point is Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon	Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?
Penny 	No. What I'm saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.
Sheldon	The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!
Penny 	But on the other hand, if things don't go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he's not looking for a fling, he's the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don't know, like you would say light years.
Sheldon	I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time.
Penny 	Thank you for the clarification.
Sheldon	Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that's a unit of work, not of weight.
Penny 	Right, thanks.
Sheldon	It's a common mistake.
Penny 	Not the first one I’ve made today.
Sheldon	Okay. I think this will be my seat.
Penny 	Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I'm talking about.
Sheldon	Well, let's see. We might consider Schrödinger's Cat.
Penny 	Schrödinger? Is that the woman in 2A?
Sheldon	No. That's Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn't have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip...
Penny 	Sheldon!
Sheldon	Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrödinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
Penny 	I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
Sheldon	Well of course you don't get it, I haven't made it yet. You'd have to be psychic to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic.
Penny 	Sheldon, what's the point?
Sheldon	Just like Schrödinger's Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
Penny 	Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard.
Sheldon	No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger...
Scene 	Caltech cafeteria.
Leonard	(Pointing) Two seats right there.
Sheldon	(To two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats) Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you)
Leonard	Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.
Sheldon	I can see that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.
Leonard	No, it's about Penny.
Sheldon	A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
Leonard	I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon	Then don't.
Leonard	Other people would say “why not?”
Sheldon	Other people might be interested.
Leonard	I'm going to talk anyway.
Sheldon	I assumed you would.
Leonard	Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited, I'm nauseous.
Sheldon	Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
Leonard	Right.
Sheldon	You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.
Leonard	Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.
Sheldon	Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.
Leonard	You're not helping.
Sheldon	Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard	Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Sheldon	Schrödinger's Cat.
Leonard	Wow, that's brilliant.
Sheldon	You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.)
Scene 	Leonard approaches Penny’s door. He is wearing a suit. He knocks. Penny answers.
Penny 	Hi.
Leonard	Hi.
Penny 	Come on in.
Leonard	Thank you. You look very nice.
Penny 	Thank you. So do you.
Leonard	I made an eight o’clock reservation.
Penny 	Okay, great, listen, um, maybe we should talk first.
Leonard	Oh. Okay. But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's Cat?
Penny 	Actually, I’ve heard far too much about Schrödinger's Cat.
Leonard	Good. (He grabs her and kisses her.)
Penny 	Alright, the cat's alive. Let's go to dinner.
Scene 	The Szechuan Palace.
Sheldon	(In Mandarin) Show me your mucus! Your mucus!
Owner 	(In Mandarin) Blow your own nose and go away.
Sheldon	(In Mandarin) This is not a tangerine bicycle.
Owner 	(In English) Crazy man. Call the police.
Sheldon	(In Mandarin) No. Don't call the library. Show me your mucus. (Leonard and Penny are seen entering, and then leaving again quickly.) Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen! Oy Vey!
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)