Dalek vs. Tracer vs. Monkey Wretch vs. Blacktron Spaceman

<Previous Battle	Next Battle>
Amset-Ra is seated at his desk, looking at possible Round 2 match-ups for the fighters on his computer. He yawns and looks over some of the older battles, realizing that ARFP has no real continuity. There is a knock at the door. Amset-Ra presses a button that remotely opens the door.
Anubis Guard: Mr. Ra, there is someone here to see you.
Amset-Ra: If it's the Space Police, send them away.
Anubis Guard: Actually, it's your tax auditor.
Amset-Ra: That's even worse. *sigh* Send him in.
Amset-Ra gasps when he sees who the tax auditor is.
Amset-Ra: King Leo?!
King Leo: I've gotta make my money somehow, eh? Anyway, don't tell anyone, but I'm really a tax collector. I'm just using the term "auditor" to sound more official.
Amset-Ra: Gotcha. So, what's the beef?
King Leo: Well, first off, it's impossible to ignore the fact that you're dreadfully behind on your income taxes, back taxes, front taxes, side taxes, etc.
Amset-Ra: So? I've never had to pay taxes before.
King Leo: Ah, so you're new to the whole tax thing, eh? What a crying shame. It bewilders me that you've gotten away with owning an entertainment venue for four years without ever paying your taxes. How do you do it?
Amset-Ra: Do you want to know?
King Leo: ...No.
Amset-Ra: Good. I've got an Awesome Annihilator Forbidden Power in my desk. Your argument is invalid.
King Leo: Awesome... Annihilation...? And did you say Forbidden Power? Forbidden Powers are powers that are forbidden!
A random portrait of Captain Obvious winks.
Monstrox: But it annihilates... and it's awesome...
Amset-Ra: Shut up.
King Leo: Who was that?
Amset-Ra: Oh, just my talking screensaver.
King Leo: Your... what?
Amset-Ra: Given a couple days around here, you get to understand our lingo pretty fast.
King Leo: Yes, yes. But we still need to talk about your taxes.
Amset-Ra: Here, this should cover everything.
He hands him a slip of paper with ₥Ø₦€¥ written on it.
Amset-Ra: (waving hand) This is genuine currency that will cover all my debts.
King Leo: This is genuine currency that will cover all your debts.
Amset-Ra: You will hang around at the Heartlake City Mall all day.
King Leo: I will hang around at the Heartlake City Mall all day.
He leaves.
Monstrox: Hey, what's he going to Heartlake City for?
Amset-Ra: I just want to see the girls' priceless reaction when they see foreign royalty in their midst.
Monstrox: Ah. Gotcha.
----
The town of Newbury is just another town in the LEGO world. Maybe close to LEGO City, maybe not. Who knows. Anyway, two kids named Jack and Parker are playing Pokemon Go on their smartphones.
Parker: Like, duh. Pokemon Go is like sooo last generation. Now it's Pokemon Let's Go.
Jack: Hey, are you getting these notifications?
Parker: Yeah. I didn't download this app.
Jack: What is this "Hidden Side"?
Parker: I don't really know. Did you open the notification?
Jack: I'm doing that right now... Hey, I don't know about you, but this is saying that this park is haunted.
Parker: Really?
Suddenly, their phones show the scenes around them, though in a different realm.
Jack: Hey, what is this?
Parker: This says it's a place called the... Cursed Realm?
???: You're absolutely correct.
Suddenly Jack and Parker are very scared because I said so.
Jack: Wh-who are you?
???: I'm Morro, the President of the Cursed Realm, and it looks like you two have stumbled upon the real-world equivalent of the Cursed Realm.
Parker: Why are you like, telling us this?
Morro: Because I haven't appeared enough lately. I mean, this is only my sixth battle appearance this season, counting cameos. Only four of them had our writers give us lines.
Parker: That's sad...
Morro: Not to mention I could have fought last season. In fact, Alien Commander and Kylo Ren were picked over me. Alien Commander had a losing record prior to that battle. And Kylo Ren is a Darth Vader ripoff!
Jack: Hey, is there a single person in this whole universe who hasn't heard of Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid?
Morro: I'm sure, but it's not my business. Right, now where was I? O yeah... MORROOOOO...
Jack and Parker: Aaaahhhh!
LEGO Hidden Side. Coming August 2019 to a town called Newbury near you, whether you live in England, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, or an alternate universe. I don't really care.
Random LEGO Fan: My wallet is ready.
Wyldstyle: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, even though I can't come up with something witty right now to add to the title.
Amset-Ra: Please don't. The ROXX Arena is so last season. On a related note, Invizable has officially replaced Sir Fangar and Pythor as our janitor. Those two work behind the counter at the cafeteria.
In the cafteria...
Nadakhan: Shiver me timbers, landlubbers, I be askin' fer mustard on me hot dog, not custard! I know I be havin' hearin' problems lately, but you should hear me perfectly well!
Sir Fangar: What's gotten your glooooorious arms tied in a knot? It's not our fault your m's look like c's on the gloooorious order form.
Nadakhan: Since when did yer cafe have order forms?!
Pythor: Sssssincccce today. We thought it neccccessssary, ssssinccccce we have sssso many food optionsssss and sssssso many cusssstomersssss.
Nadakhan: That's it. I be leavin'. And I'll be back with a lawyer!
He leaves.
Back at the match...
Wyldstyle: Yeah, thanks for the heads-up. Good thing I don't usually go to the cafe. Anyway, let's get this show on the road! In the Red Corner is the ultimate scourge of the universe who somehow has many fans, DALEK!
Dalek: YOU ARE ALL INFERIOR SPECIES. DALEKS CONQUER AND DESTROY!
Emperor Palpatine: So do we!
Dalek: THE GALACTIC EMPIRE IS INFERIOR TO THE POWER OF THE DALEKS!
Wyldstyle: In the Green Corner, the famous hero from the Overwatch realm, TRACER!
Tracer: Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!
Amset-Ra: I totally saw that line coming.
Wyldstyle: In the Yellow Corner is the Djinn Pirates' own mechanic monkey, MONKEY WRETCH!
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek!
Tracer: That thing fixes old galleons? They don't call him a wretch for nothing.
Monkey Wretch: 💢
Wyldstyle: And lastly, in the Blue Corner, the REAL scourge of the universe, a BLACKTRON SPACEMAN!
Blacktron Spaceman: It would be wise to surrender in the name of the Blacktron Federation.
Amset-Ra: Oh, you mean the guys who've been out of a job for years?
Blacktron Spaceman: On the contrary! You've hosted associates of our, including the Space Villain, Rench, and Mendax the Random Spyrius Spy.
Amset-Ra: That last one is Spyrius, not Blacktron.
Tracer: Having read up on some of your old space factions, I'd say they're pretty much the same. Just like the Zotaxians "borrowed" some of their tech from you guys, which makes them part of your group as well.
Blacktron Spaceman: We have no relations with the Zotaxians! And for the the record, I have a name and designation - Second Lieutenant Cruisewell.
Dalek: YOU WILL BEGIN THE SKIRMISH IMMEDIATELY.
Amset-Ra: Wait! We gotta have Spiderbeard predict.
Metalbeard: Spider... beard? Really? That be me name now?
Amset-Ra: I mean, look at you now! You've got Hypogirtian-series cybernetic legs, just like Spy Clops. What a ripoff! So yeah, that earns you the name "Spiderbeard".
Metalbeard: But-
Amset-Ra: You're predicting today. And Terabyte, please update his name.
Terabyte: Sure.
Spiderbeard: Revenge can multiply to include you lot... anyways! We be havin' a full house today. Lots of choices today. We've got, uh, a Dalek who's obsessed with conquest, a girl who's from a video game or some'n, a monkey who should really be considerin' joinin' me, and a Blacktron second lieutenant who is completely unaided and vulnerable to attack.
Amset-Ra: This is Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid. Of COURSE you're vulnerable to attack!
Cruisewell: Just pick me and let's move on.
Spiderbeard: Aye.
Dalek: I SENSE BETRAYAL, AND I DO NOT LIKE IT.
Cruisewell: You don't have to like betrayal in order to acknowledge it. We've dealt with betrayal many times before.
Amset-Ra: Speaking of betrayal...
Aboard the LEPIN in space...
Ogel: Spiderbeard, that's a good one. Sigh, part of me misses the action at ARFP, but I don't like the staff treatment.
A Skeleton Drone enters.
Skeleton Drone: Hey, this came in the mail.
Ogel: My old suitcase? Wow, they really thought of me. But I hated all the times I was locked inside in the name of comedy. Well, who's laughing now?! HAR HAR HAR!
Back at the battle...
Amset-Ra: Now that we've made Metalbeard out to be a biased old fellow, we're going to have Emmet start the battle, but only because he was annoying to us, even offering to pay the cost of the Piece of Resistance Kragled to his back.
Emmet: F-I-G-H-T!
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek!
Tracer: Don't tell me he can't spell "fight".
Cruisewell: Enough talk!
Pewpewpewpewpew!
Wyldstyle: Tracer swiftly dodges Cruisewell's blaster shots!
Tracer: I adapt to my environments quickly. For instance: the art of construction.
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK
Cruisewell: You mean the art of destruct-
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Yazzark
Cruisewell: That's a highly irrelevant sound effect. And you merely singed my hand.
Anakin: Lucky you. Mine was lightsabered off.
Count Dooku: You can find it in my trophy room on Geonosis!
Anakin: Wait, what are you doing back here? I killed you aboard the Invisible Hand!
Count Dooku: You mean that was the time when the Chancelloor said "Dewit"?
Amset-Ra: Off-topic, you guys!
Wyldstyle: Tracer has finished building her... well, it's not a Bastion or whatever. It appears to be-
Tracer: The Silent Strike from the Sentai Fortress set? Great guess, love. Now to take this sweet baby for a ride...
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek eeek!
THOOOOOM!
Wyldstyle: Looks like Tracer's lifting into the air, but not before Monkey Wretch climbs aboard. What's the little guy thinking?
Cruisewell: Oh well, I just replaced my hand from a whole collection of spares. This new blue hand makes me look incredible. Now, to summon Delta-fleet...
Dalek: ONLY ONE DALEK IS REQUIRED TO EXTERMINATE ALL LIFE FORMS ON THIS PLANET.
Cruisewell: Yet in the original series, your kind were pushovers. Literally. Ha.
Dalek: YOU GREATLY UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE-
KA-BOOOOOOM!!!
Cruisewell: Punctual as usual, I see.
Wyldstyle: And several Blacktron cruisers have just broken through the ceiling! I think I've lost track of how many times that has happened around here...
Amset-Ra: Don't worry; I'm sure NexoByte will do a count.
Tracer: Ref! Is mass backup like an entire fleet legal?
Emmet: *yawn* Not my pyramid. Not my call.
Amset-Ra: It's been done a ton before. If you still think it's wrong, dial Space Villain, who started this whole mess. Actually, one of the Mars Mission Aliens sort of did it too back in early Season 1.
Cruisewell: Did you hear that, Tracer? The staff sides with me. Now I give you permission to calmly surrender.
Tracer: Permission? Ha! I don't need your permission for anything. On the contrary, you should probably surrender.
Cruisewell: Last I checked, the cornered mouse does not beg the lion to surrender. Delta Fleet, do you copy?
Blacktron Spaceman: (Over radio) I copy and paste, sir!
Cruisewell: Anyone with a computer can do that. Open fire on the giant mech suit.
Dalek: EXTERMINATION TO THE BLACKTRON FLEET!
Woosh...
Wyldstyle: Looks like the Dalek is flying up to the Blacktron Delta-fleet's capital ship! Tee-Vee, are you ready to go?
Tee-Vee: Affirmative.
Wyldstyle: Tee-Vee is going to record footage from inside the Blacktron ship for our television viewers.
Audience: TEE-VEE! TEE-VEE! TEE-VEE!
Cruisewell: I have no concern whatsoever. My associates will take down the Dalek, while I deal with you, Tracer, and that hitchhiking primate.
Tracer: Wait, what?
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek eek!
Clang clang clang RZZZZZZZZZZ
Wyldstyle: Monkey Wretch is trying to pound and drill Tracer's mech to pieces.
Tracer: Hey! You trying to damage my titanium-steel alloy back there?!
Monkey Wretch: EEK EEK!
Bambambambambambam
Tracer: ...I'll just take that as a yes. Well, sweetie, I gotta join the fight aboard your ships. Toodles.
Cruisewell: H-hey! You can't just-
Tracer: I'm not the least bit worried about you, Cruisewell. Besides, you'll be crushed by the falling debris of your own ships anyway.
Cruisewell: I think not.
Wyldstyle: Now Tracer is following the Dalek up to the Blacktron capital ship! Tee-Vee is already up there! How will Cruisewell respond to being left behind in the ring. Oh, and Dr. Inferno, is the Tee-Vee screen back to working order yet?
Dr. Inferno: Not yet. That fourth wall did a number on it earlier this season.
Frenzy: AVOCADOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Inferno: Also this guy isn't helping.
Frenzy: What do you mean? Of course I was helping myself to the cafeteria's two-for-one enchilada deal!!!!!!
Dr. Inferno: Uh-huh. Totally not buying it. Right now, I'm trying to fix this Tee-Vee screen and-
BZZRT.
Dr. Inferno: All right, it's back!
Wyldstyle: Great! And since it's got a built-in radar, I can see where the fighters are. Okay, so the Dalek is exterminating every single crewman on board the ship. I kinda saw that coming. Also, Tracer is just boarding the ship now.
Cruisewell: Ms. Lucy Wyldstyle, may I commend you for revealing the exact locations of my adversaries. I shall build something to accommodate my needs.
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK
Wyldstyle: ...Did I do something wrong?
Amset-Ra: Nah, not at all. Somehow, the fighters can hear the announcer even behind a plexi-glass booth.
Wyldstyle: Oh, okay. Anyway, looks like Cruisewell's built himself a Hyper Hopper!
Frenzy: Did... you... say...
Dr. Inferno: It's just a Hyper Hopper, Frenzy. Even though it's your signature vehicle, it's sold in bulk at Brickmart's auto department.
Amset-Ra: Wait, they have an auto department?
Dr. Inferno: Wasn't on their latest flyer, but it's pretty recent. They struck a deal with Squidman's Pitstop, so that's how that happened.
Wyldstyle: Now all the fighters are on board the ship.
On the ship...
Blacktron Navigator: *salutes* Welcome back, Lieutenant.
Cruisewell: Have you seen an asymmetrical robot, a gurl in a mech suit, or a robot monkey anywhere on this ship?
Blacktron Navigator: You misspelled "girl".
Cruisewell: I did? ...Never mind that? Did you see the suspects?
Blacktron Navigator: Yes, sir; we caught sight of the Dalek in Corridor 2.
Cruisewell: Thanks.
Wyldstyle: Cruisewell is speeding down the corridor to locate the Dalek.
Meanwhile...
Tracer: Wow, nice ship you have here, Cruisewell. Wouldn't you say, Monkey Wretch? Oh wait, you can't talk. Nor will you again after this battle.
Monkey Wretch: EEK EEK EEK!
RZZZZZZZZZZZZ CLANG!
Tracer: What did you-
Wyldstyle: Monkey Wretch has unscrewed the two stabilizer fins on the back of Tracer's mech!
Tracer: Well, that explains why it probably won't be able to fly efficiently anymore.
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek!
Tracer: You know, I really don't have time for you right now. I don't know about you, but I personally find robots that fight with plungers and eggbeaters a far more daunting threat.
Wyldstyle: Tracer is now running through the ship in search of the others. You know, while we have Tee-Vee with us, we really should have gone with the approach we did with the first time Grundal fought.
Amset-Ra: And what approach was that?
Wyldstyle: To assign one minifigure to each fighter and give them each mics.
Amset-Ra: Well, it's too late for that now...
With Cruisewell...
Cruisewell: Aha! I have found you, Dalek!
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Cruisewell: Construct!
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK
LASER SOUND EFFECT
SHATTER
Dalek: YOU ARE NOT DEAD. EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!
Cruisewell: Simple. I built a shield to take the impact of your laser, then constructed this mega laser cannon, ripped straight from Dr. Inferno's volcano lair. Don't forget to pay your dues to Davros before I blast you.
Dalek: DALEKS HAVE NO NEED OF DAVR-
ZARKABOOM!
Emmet: Zzzzz...
Wyldstyle: Emmet, you're supposed to say that the Dalek is eliminated!
Emmet: Yeah, that... Zzzzz...
Cruisewell: Okay, that's the greater of two evils down... Now to own Tracer.
???: I'm already Tracer.
Cruisewell: Wha?
Tracer: Hi there.
Cruisewell: Please do me a favor and GET OFF MY SHIP.
Tracer: I'll answer your request with another request: SURRENDER.
Cruisewell: To surrender is dishonor to the Blacktron Federation.
Tracer: REALLY DON'T CARE.
YAZZARKABOOM!
Tracer: You missed!
Cruisewell: No I didn't.
KRAUNCH.
Emmet: Tracer's out or something. Too bad. I liked her.
Wyldstyle: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME. Anyway, Cruisewell shot the ceiling onto Tracer, eliminating her. And the KRAUNCH sound effect automatically sounds beefier than CRUNCH. Frenzy did something good for once.
Frenzy: Do I smell something BURNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He dashes away to the cafeteria.
Cruisewell: Does this make me the winner?
???: Eek eek!
Cruisewell: I should have known you would use Tracer's mech suit to haunt me after my victory. Oh, just my luck. I'm all out of ammunition.
Monkey Wretch: YOUR SOUL.
Cruisewell: Excuse me, what?
Monkey Wretch: IS NOW MINE.
PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWSUBTOPEWDIEPIEPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW
FLAMBE!
BARBECUE!
PARRRRRRRTAY!
AVOCADOS!
Dr. Inferno: Apparently Frenzy rigged the sound system to do that.
Emmet: Monkey Wretch wins or whatever.
Wyldstyle: Monkey Wretch just blasted the living molecules out of Cruisewell with Tracer's abandoned mech, automatically making him the winner. And now the Blacktron Fleet is being recalled. I think Monkey Wretch is their new admiral!
Monkey Wretch: Eek eek!
Amset-Ra: I think we've got ourselves our very own creepypasta...
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