Dragonstone spork

Dennis McKiernan is a successful writer of Lord of the Rings fanfiction. 
I'm not exaggerating there. He literally wrote a sequel duology to Lord of the Rings in which Frodo, Samwise and Gimli returned to Moria, but the Tolkien estate refused to let him publish it for some peculiar reason. Undaunted, McKiernan changed the names and the geography and wrote a three-volume prequel, which was itself a thinly-disguised retelling of Lord of the Rings. This prequel series sold well enough to justify publication of the original duology, and another pseudo-Middle-earth series was born.
The Iron Tower Trilogy is ripe for sporking, with its jewel-eyed ninja hobbits, a gloriously useless blonde teenage princess pining for her True Love, the Frodo expy slaughtering dozens of not-orcs with archery skills that put Robin Hood to shame, and of course a prophecy, because . . . because prophecy.
I'm not here to talk about that today.
The Silver Call Duology also deserves a vigorous thrashing, with its next-generation Frodo expy extolling on the glories of war in a setup for one of the clunkiest morals outside of an 80s cartoon, an interminable battle between an army of dwarves and a big-ass squid, and one of the more bizarre and nonsensical prophecies I have ever seen.
I'm not here to talk about that, either.
What I am here to talk about is The Dragonstone, one of McKiernan's more original tales, which features: one-note stereotypes! Arbitrary prophectic requirements! Toilet humor! Unsympathetic and unlikable protagonists! Some of the stupidest riddle-solvers in all of fiction! And it wouldn't be a Tolkien rip-off without travel! Miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles of travel!
Grab a satchel of lembas and a vial of miruvor; here we go!
\~/ The Dragonstone Drinking Game! \~/
*Chapter 1
*Chapter 2
*Chapter 3
*Chapter 4
*Chapter 5
*Chapter 6
*Chapter 7
*Chapter 8
*Chapter 9
*Chapter 10
*Chapter 11
*Chapter 12
*Chapter 13
*Chapter 14
*Chapter 15
*Chapter 16
*Chapter 17
*Chapter 18
*Chapter 19
*Chapter 20
*Chapter 21
*Chapter 22
*Chapter 23
*Chapter 24
*Chapter 25
*Chapter 26
*Chapter 27
*Chapter 28
*Chapter 29
*Chapter 30
*Chapter 31
*Chapter 32
*Chapter 33
*Chapter 34
*Chapter 35
*Chapter 36
*Chapter 37
*Chapter 38
*Chapter 39
*Chapter 40
*Chapter 41
*Chapter 42
*Chapter 43
*Chapter 44
*Chapter 45
*Chapter 46
*Chapter 47
*Chapter 48
*Chapter 49
*Chapter 50
*Chapter 51
*Chapter 52
*Chapter 53
*Chapter 54
*Chapter 55
*Chapter 56
*Chapter 57
*Chapter 58
*Chapter 59
*Chapter 60
*Chapter 61
*Chapter 62
*Chapter 63
*Chapter 64
*Chapter 65
*Chapter 66
*Chapter 67
*Chapter 68
*Chapter 69
*Chapter 70
Category:Spork
Category:McKiernan spork
Category:Dragonstone