The Really Big War Crimes Trial

The Really Big War Crimes Trial is the fifteenth episode of season five, and the fifty-sixth episode overall, as well as the fifth season finale, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 20, 2021.
==Plot==
Mrs. O'Malley and Mr. Johnson capture some of Bikini Bottom's top war criminals and bring them to the ICC in an attempt to get their jobs back. 
==Transcript==
[The episode opens in the Oval Office. Mr. Biden is drinking a glass of pineapple juice.] 
Mr. Biden: Can you believe it! They sell Ms. Pineapple’s glistening girl juices at the store! 
Mr. Banana: You know, as a fruit, I find it highly offensive how this society commodities us and our bodily secretions. 
Mr. Biden: Relax, Jack. I’m sure they’re humanely treated. 
[Cut to a factory fruit farm, where Ms. Grape is in chains.]
Mr. Krabs: Time for the artificial insemination process! 
[Suddenly Mr. Orange walks by, ripping off his peel.]
Mr. Orange: I LOVE THIS JOB! [runs toward Ms. Grape]
[The scene then cuts back to the Oval Office. Mrs. O’Malley and Mr. Johnson then burst in.]
Mrs. O’Malley: This is the ICC! You’re under arrest! 
Mr. Biden: What are you talking about, Jack? I thought you two got fired from the ICC! 
Mr. Johnson: We did! But by capturing you two and all the other war criminals of Bikini Bottom, we’re sure to get our job back! 
Mr. Biden: Well, it looks like you’re staying unemployed, Jack, because there’s no way I’d ever give up whipping refugees!
[Mrs. O’Malley then takes out a cage with a picture of Mr. Pineapple in it. Mr. Biden then immediately runs into it, Mrs. O’Malley then locking it up.]
Mr. Biden: What the?! HEY! You tricked me! 
Mr. Banana: YOU SENILE MORON! How could you possibly fall for that?! That was just a picture! 
[Mr. Johnson then takes out a cage with a picture of Ms. Strawberry in it. Mr. Banana then immediately runs into it, Mr. Johsnon then locking it up.]
Mr. Banana: What the?! HEY! You tricked me! 
[Mr. Obama and Mr. G then walk into the room.]
Mr. Obama: Now, uh, hey there, don’t think we’re, uh, letting you get away with this. 
[Mrs. O’Malley takes out a cage with a picture of two Yemeni children.]
Mr. Obama: LET’S GET THEM, MR. G! 
[The two then run into the cage, and are subsequently locked up.]
Mr. Obama: Hey! You, uh, tricked us! 
[The scene cuts to a plane. Mr. Pineapple can be seen inside, locked in a cage, where he is looking at a picture of Bikini Bottom.]
Mr. Pineapple: What a disgraceful image. 
[The scene then cuts to Mr. Lobster, who is punching a picture of a mask in his cage. The plane then arrives at the Hague. Mr. Johnson and Mrs. O’Malley then get out the plane, letting out all the war criminals.]
Mrs. O’Malley: Alright, here we are! 
Mr. G: Where’d you ever get this plane?
Mr. Johnson: We hijacked it. 
Mr. Pineapple: So you mean to tell me you went through all the trouble of hijacking a plane, and you didn’t even knock down any Bikini Bottom buildings? What’s even the point of hijacking it then?!
[Suddenly, the head of the ICC then walks by.]
ICC Head: What’s going on here?!
Mrs. O’Malley: We captured all the top war criminals in Bikini Bottom, sir! Now we can bring them to trial and serve justice! 
Mr. Johnson: And more importantly, get our jobs back! 
ICC Head: You know, you could’ve at least notified me first. I was attending to some very important business.
[The scene then cuts to the ICC Head’s office, where a computer playing a video of a sea anemone can be seen. It then cuts back to the ICC Head.]
ICC Head: But very well then. Let the trials begin! 
[The scene then cuts to Mr. Lobster, who is on trial.]
Mr. Lobster: Why am I here?! I’m not a war criminal! 
Ms. O’Malley: Sir, you overthrew the democratically elected government of Bolivia. 
Mr. Lobster: Oh yeah. BUT THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE THEY WERE CHILD HARVESTING MARXIST SATANISTS! Why am I on trial?! George Soros should be here, not me! 
Mrs. O’Malley: Mr. Lobster, please do not scream, or you may be guilty of contempt of court. Do you have a lawyer to represent you in this case?
Mr. Lobster: Pft, I don’t need a lawyer! I’ll represent myself! 
Mrs. O’Malley: Sir, you are not qualified to do that. 
Mr. Lobster: Excuse me, I’ll have you know I have a degree in Flat Earth.
ICC Head: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with already. Do you plead innocent or guilty? 
Mr. Lobster: Innocent. 
Mr. Johnson: But you just confessed to the crime! 
Mr. Lobster: Nope. Just like our election, the Bolivian election was rife with VOTER FRAUD. I was simply unrigging it! 
Mrs. O’Malley: You helped murder 58 left-wing protestors. 
Mr. Lobster: I know! I should’ve killed at least 70! 
ICC Head: I’ve heard enough. [slams gavel] Guilty. 
Mr. Lobster: WHAT?! You’re declaring me guilty, simply because I confessed to the crime?! What kind of kangaroo court is this?! 
[Mrs. O’Malley handcuffs him and drags him away.]
Mr. Lobster: YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, 5G! 
Mr. Pineapple: I too would like to represent myself. I am a lawyer after all. +
ICC Head: Fine with me. Mr. Pineapple, you stand accused of nuking Bikini Bottom. Do you plead innocent or guilty? 
Mr. Pineapple: Guilty! 
ICC Head: Well okay then. Mr. Pineapple, you have hereby been sentenced to death. 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
ICC Head: What are you acting surprised for? You plead guilty. 
Mr. Pineapple: Yeah, to defeating the biggest terrorist state in the world! I should be getting an award for this, not the death penalty!
ICC Head: Fair enough. Mr. Johnson? 
[Mr. Johnson hands Mr. Pineapple a participation trophy, before handcuffing him and taking him away to be executed.] 
ICC Head: Mr. Biden, Mr. Banana, Mr. Obama, and Mr. G, you all stand accused of aiding and abetting apartheid. 
Mr. Banana: You know, this blatant display of antisemitism is exactly why Bikini Bottom hasn’t joined the International Criminal Court. 
Mr. Biden: I’M GUILTY! 
Mr. Biden: JOSEPH! 
Mr. Biden: Please, please kill me now! I don’t want to be president! I’m only doing this because Mr. Banana made me! 
Mr. Obama: Uh, I plead not guilty. 
ICC Head: Wait a minute, didn’t we already prosecute you for this? 
Mr. Obama: I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about. 
[The ICC head pounds his gavel.]
ICC Head: Mr. Obama, you have been found guilty of evading prison time. Mr. G, you also face charges of war crimes during the 2018 Bikini Bottom Civil War. What do you plead? 
Mr. G: Not guilty. 
Mr. Pineapple: Still engaging in denial, I see! 
Mrs. O’Malley: Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be getting executed right now?
Mr. Pineapple: Uh, look! Another war criminal! 
Mrs. O’Malley: Where?!
[She looks behind her and Mr. Pineapple quickly begins to run away.]
Mrs. O’Malley: HEY! GET BACK HERE, WAR CRIMINAL! 
[She then begins to chase him.]
ICC Head: Mr. R’Onion, you face charges of eco-terrorism, as well as bioterrorism. 
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me, why don’t you stop using your tongue in an impulsive manner? The *real* terrorists are those killing countless plants every single minute! 15 billion trees are murdered every single year by these barbaric monsters! And that’s not even counting all the tomatoes, carrots, flowers, scrubs-
[five hours later]
Mr. R’Onion: -cabbages, grass, and almonds! 
ICC Head: So did you deliberately create the Plague in a lab and release it into the world or not?
Mr. R’Onion: Of course I did! Someone had to avenge the dead! 
ICC Head: That’s all I needed to hear. 
[Mrs. O’Malley handcuffs Mr. R’Onion and walks him to another room.]
Mr. R’Onion: What the?! Let me go! Let me go! Do you have any idea how incredibly unprofessional this is?! 
ICC Head: Mr. Pepperchicken, you have been accused- 
Mr. Pepperchicken: INNOCENT! I’M NOT GAY, I SWEAR! THOSE PICTURES WERE EDITED! 
ICC Head: That’s not what the accusation was. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh.
ICC Head: Wait, are you gay?
Mr. Pepperchicken: NO! 
ICC Head: Very well then. Mr. Pepperchicken, you stand accused of assassinating the President of Bikini Bottom. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Isn’t that exactly the same as what you guys are doing right now? 
ICC Head: Yeah, but it’s okay when we do it. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well I think I should be declared non-liable for that action. 
ICC Head: Why?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Why?! What’s wrong with you?! BECAUSE I’M RUSSIAN! 
ICC Head: Lock him up. 
[Mr. Johnson handcuffs him and drags him away. The ICC Head then walks over to Mrs. O’Malley. Mr. Johnson comes back and joins them.]
ICC Head: You know, I’m very proud of you two. This is the most war criminals we’ve ever caught in our entire history! You’re officially re-hired! 
Mr. Johnson and Mrs. O’Malley: ALRIGHT! 
[Cut to the execution room, where all the prisoners except for Mr. Pepperchicken are waiting. Mr. R’Onion can be seen looking at his watch.] 
Mr. R’Onion: What is taking them so long? Don’t they know they’re falling incredibly behind?
[The ICC Head and the firing squad then enter the room.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Alright, LINE UP [dolphin chirp]!
ICC Head: MR. PEPPERCHICKEN! You’re not a member of the firing squad! Get back with the other prisoners! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, can’t I at least shoot him first before I get shot?
[The camera pans to Mr. Pineapple.]
ICC Head: No. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Aw man. You know, they’d never treat prisoners this poorly in Russia! 
[He then joins the other prisons.]
Mr. Banana: [crying] I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I STILL HAVE SO MANY STRAWBERRIES TO RAPE!
Mr. Biden: Don’t worry, Mr. Banana! I’m sure Kamala will be here to save us any minute noe! 
[Cut to the Oval Office, where Mrs. Harris can be seen partying.] 
Mr. Perkins: Uh, Mrs. President? Shouldn’t you be sending in the military to rescue President Biden and all of the other Bikini Bottomites detained by the ICC? Bikini Bottom law requires it. 
[She laughs.] 
Mrs. Harris: Oh Perch, don’t be ridiculous. Letting fish out of prison goes against everything I stand for! 
[Cut back to the Hague. The firing squad hold up their guns, about to shoot.]
Mr. Lobster: WAIT A MINUTE! Before we’re executed, I need to show you something! 
[Mr. Lobster hands the ICC head a piece of paper.]
ICC Head: What is this? 
Mr. Lobster: It’s new evidence alleging World Leaders & Scientific Advisors have used the Plague & the Injections to commit Genocide and Crimes against Humanity. The SARS-CoV-2 virus and the Plague ‘vaccines’ are deliberately engineered bioweapons that have been released in two phases on unsuspecting peoples of the world”. Due to the escalating medical apartheid, the loss of basic freedoms and rights, and the ever-increasing, very high number of deaths and serious adverse events suffered by recipients of Plague injections, that there is an urgent need for the Court to act swiftly and without further delay.
ICC Head: Larry, get back in line. 
Mr. Lobster: Fine.
[Mr. Lobster walks back over to the other prisoners. The screen fades to black, and a gunshot is heard. The episode ends.]
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