2014.03.01 - When Food Attacks

It's one of those rare sunny winter days today in Central Park, around afternoon. Right now, we're focused on part of the park, where people are walking around, sitting on benches, doing their thing.
Currently, there's an old man here, a gothy girl leaning against a tree reading, a couple of dudes smoking cigarettes, the norm.
On a lone bench is a closed box of pizza. There's no label on it of where it came from, with the only thing on the top being a large label reading 'XTRA GARLIK".
Wally West was enjoying a nice walk in the cool brisk winter day. Strolling through Central Park enjoying the sun glistening off the snow, watching the people and the few animals that didn't high tail it for warmer weather.
It's been a while. That is putting it lightly. Months since Roxie was in New York. Things were just starting to come together for her. That was was before the Asmidians decided to make an appearance in her bedroom at the Tower. That caused her to go and go quickly, leaving her friends just to keep them safe. Now that she is pretty much off the grid to them, she is returning and what better day for it then this lovely day. 
Happily she moves along, watching people out enjoying the sun, even if it's still cool and definitely winter. Idly she pulls her jacket tighter as the wind blows a little. Without looking where she is going, she bumps right into Wally. "Oh oops! Um sorry! I didn't mean to! I was umm I just wasn't paying attention!" She quickly steps back and tries to assess the situation and make sure she didn't cause any damage.
Meanwhile, one of the smokers approaches the pizza box, speaking to his buddy. "Hey dude, free pizza!". As he opens it, a bright green light flashes up, blinding him and knocking him back, as the light flashes straight into the sky, the gothy teen standing up and putting a hand into a pocket.
Suddenly, at the peak of the light, what looks to be a giant metal hamburger flies overhead, shooting a beam down to Central Park. The beam doesn't seem to do anything..at first.
AND THEN.
Weird things start happening. A nearby hot dog cart owner is astounded when the hot dogs jump up, putting on their bun armor, and grabbing condiment bottles, shooting people.
A woman's bag of cheese doodles bursts open, the little cheesy bits swarming her.
Similar events happen, as a booming sound comes from the hamburger-ship.
"EARTHLINGS. WE ARE YOUR NEW OVERLORDS. WE ARE. THE GARLIKS.".
Yet, they only have one ship, which is slowly coming down.
Wally smiles and reassures the girl. "It's quite alright, just try to be careful, ok?" 
Wally's attention is taken away from Roxie for a moment. "What is that? Is there another Doctor Who con in town?"
Roxie smiles, "Sorry sir. Didn't mean to, ya know." She gives a little laugh and then she hears it. The whole thing sounds a touch ridiculous. Turning her attention to Wally, "I've been out of town a while but I didn't think there was any monsters called Garliks." 
Then things start going crazy. 
"Ummm... excuse me one moment. I need to umm, step away." She quickly moves away from Wally while he is distracted and then with a flash of violet light she vanishes. She appears in a tree and rapidly changing and teleporting back into the fray. "Ummm... Overlords? That ain't happening."
The Garliks can obviously hear them, using their SUPERIOR SOUND SYSTEMS.
"FOOLISH HUMANS, YOU DARE DEFY THE POWER OF THE GARLIKS? WE SHALL SIC OUR ENTIRE FLEET ON YOU!"
Suddenly, a large burst of energy hits the ground, teleporting..twelve garlic bulbs, about five feet tall and 150-200 pounds each, except for the one in the center, wearing a crown, who is about three feet tall and 300 pounds.
"I AM KING TUSCANY OF THE GARLIKS. YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, THYME, ATTACK!".
At this point, four more blurs come in...chicken wing ninjas. Yes. They're all wielding weapons shaped like condiment bottles, nunchaks, swords, bo staffs.
In the corner, the goth teen just slit her wrist. What a stereotype.
The Flash appears on the scene in costume. "Man I'm conflicted. I am hungry and you guys do look yummy, but is it right to eat animated food even if it's threating to invade the earth? Oh oh wait, get in a line, and repeat after me!" Wally then starts doing a little dance and singing "Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, to get ourselves a treat!"
Psychick glances over to the Flash and can't help but laugh a little. "Ooo Ahhh Oooooo Ahhhh!" She sings. "Hmmm. This is a bit crazy. I guess it would be unethical to eat them. They are alive right? Otherwise we could keep most Italian resturants in business for the next week!" She laughs a little more. "You want the ground? I can teleport up to the Shipwich and see if I can find a way to disable it."
Frustrated, King Tuscany cries out, "SEIZE THOSE WHO MOCK YOUR MONARCH!".
The Winjas all surround the Flash, as the Royal Guard closes in around Tuscany, one of them lifting him up, being a makeshift throne, though he seems to have trouble holding Tuscany up.
The Winjas begin flailing at the Flash..and it hurts like you're being hit with condiment bottles, really.
Meanwhile, in the Shipwich, a lone loaf of bread is watching the ship. Wheaton was enslaved a long time ago and was forced to become the pilot, and he doesn't get out..ever. Currently, he's illegally using the ship's video systems to watch an illegal torrent of an intergalatic Deathbowl XII Match, drinking the blood of a root beer bottle who died valiantly.
Someone with a good eye who isn't watching the aliens will probably notice a staff emerging from the gothy teen's chest.
"Hey, whoa, hey, ow, that's not nice! Don't make me sonic you!" the Flash says as he is rather pathetically attacked. 
Flash zips away from the winjas to about 20 feet to the side of the group. "Seriously what the hell! What even the hell is going here? Who the heck are all of you?"
A flash of violet light goes off. and Psychick is gone. She would appear on top of the shipwich just inside her line of sight. "Alright. If I were a door, where would I be?" She begins looking around the giant metal burger for an entrance. 
Teleporting in without seeing what is inside could find her in a very bad spot. Her eyes close and she begins feeling around for someone's mind inside the ship. "I know you're there." She idly speaks as she continues sensing for the whoever could be there.
"WE ARE THE GARLIK, FROM ANCHOV XI. WE HAVE DEEMED YOUR PLANET A SUITABLE OUTPOST AND ARE TAKING OVER IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.". Tuscany screams this at the Flash, his guard carrying him having already collapsed under Tuscany's weight, but Tuscany doesn't seem to care.
Meanwhile, at the telepathic intrusion, Wheaton panics, knocking his drink onto a button which opens the ramp at the bottom of the ship. Wheaton is screaming inside. "OH MAN, THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE TOAST OUT OF ME!"
Another Winja is about to clock Flash on the head, when suddenly, he falls over, grilled and dead. Nico, the gothy teen (GASP), makes a cocking motion with her staff as she points it at the Winjas. "Who's next?".
The Royal Guard is sending four forward, the remaining six flanking Tuscany, as Tuscany shouts up.
"BEGIN THE PROCESS!!!".
The Flash's eyes narrow and he charges through a group of winja and stops just in front of Tuscany, and while casually smacking and punching and kicking away lunging winjas, stares down their king and says summoning his best David Tennant and Matt Smith impression. "Alright then Garliks. Here is the deal. I'm the Flash, I'm the fastest thing alive. I am tapped into as of yet not fully understood force called the Speed Force, I have fought side by side with the mightiest heroes the Earth has ever known. I am the man that won't let any harm come to these people. So yes this planet is lovely, it's beautiful, it's suitable for any number of alien species that would love to come make themselves at home, but guess what? This planet is protected. So basically, my advice to you is, run."
"I got you." Another flash of violet light and Psychick is in the ship and just beside the bread guy. "Hiya. I'm Psychick. What is your place in this foolishness and why are you helping the those yahoos down there? From what I can sense you are the only one on this ship right now. Either they trust you to protect this ship or they don't trust you at all. Out with the answer." Immediately her eyes and the key shape on her stomach is glowing brightly. If he lies, she will sense it.
When Psychick appears, Wheaton is whimpering. "Uh..I..uh...look, I'm their prisoner, okay? When the Garliks took over Anchov XI, they enslaved a lot of my people. They forced me to be their pilot, I'm not even allowed to leave the ship!". 
Truth. 
"Please don't hurt me!". Wheaton is terrified at this point, as a beam fires from the ship, voice activated by Tuscany. "I swear, I didn't do that!". 
Truth.
All the food objects around the park begin floating towards Flash, as the wingjas are ridiculously easily knocked down. Suddenly, the beam begins mutating them, as they turn into a ten foot tall Food Golem, with the pizza box for a head.
Tuscany points his stubby little clove-finger-things at the golem, and then at Flash.
"ATTAAACK!"
Nico's meanwhile dealing with the four Clove Guards, burning them up.
The Flash is taken aback. "Ok then." The Flash speeds off and then starts running around the golem, whipping super speed snow balls at it. "Freezer burn kills left overs!"
Psychick smiles to Wheaton. "Well first things first. I am getting you out of here and I am going to decommission this ship. So get behind me." Focusing with all her will, she lifts a few things that at least look heavy, telekinetically. Using as much force as she can muster she brings the objects down onto the controls of the ship. She does this repeatedly, in an attempt to destroy the weapons on the ship and hopefully the ship itself.
Wheaton panics, going behind Psychick. "They're going to make me into toast, with jam, and eat me!". He's cowering like mad.
The Shipwich isn't actually that durable for a spaceship, and is starting to wreck pretty quickly, the weapons already gone.
The golem is shrinking from the assault, about eight feet now, as it begins lunging at The Flash with a weiner (HOT DOG) arm. "DiEeEeEEEEE."
The Flash recoiled at being lunged at with a weiner and spins his arms at hyper sonic speeds, creating a wind tunnel to blow the golem away. "Seriously, for real? What is even happening, why is a food monster coming out me with a big ol' weiner?"
"Will ya quit panicking, I am not going to let anyone eat you with jam! I know a safe place where you can stay! I promise. If I were going to harm you, do you think I wouldn't have done it already? If you want to help me, show me where the propulsion systems are. I am decommissioning this ship. You can either sit there and whine like a bunch of grapes about to be pressed or you can rise up and spring into action." 
Psychick smirks a little and keeps the intensity up. More stuff is smashed up in the control room. If anything, the ship ain't going anywhere for a while. Even if these crazy aliens survive, they are going to have some major repairs. "As soon as this thing starts dropping I will get us out of here." She's been practicing.
Wheaton swallows (can bread even swallow?) as he nods. "Okay. It's this way.". He heads over towards a piece of lettuce in the back, pulling it up, revealing the propulsion system made of arugula. "This is one of the finest Arupulsion systems in all of the Gluti system. Goes 30 lightyears a second. Shouldn't be hard to destroy though, we have some citric acid in the supply room.". Wheaton sighs, going back behind her.
"Are you sure I'll be safe? What is this place?".
The Golem is now about five feet tall from the Flashnado, as Tuscany is panicking.
"DESTROY HIM, YOU ARE OUR FINEST WEAPON!". Meanwhile, two of Tuscany's guards are being fried with a burst of Nico's staff, as Tuscany is screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Flash speed charges the golem and uppercuts it at 10,000 mph. "Sonic boom!" 
Flash then runs around and comes back with a super speed jumping back flip kick.
Psychick frowns, "I don't wanna destroy this then. I do want to disable it which I've already done. I got a friend down on the ground that could probably use a hand." She takes the bread guy by the crust and begins focusing. Her Keyhole mark on her torso blazes and with a flash they are on the ground a safe distance from the golem.
"Oh, okay the-AAAAAH". Much to his word, Wheaton doesn't leave the ship often, the teleporting not only freaking him out, but causing him to faint.
Meanwhile, the first hit reduces the Golem to three feet. The second, disintegrated. Tuscany is panicking now, as he screams.
"GUARDS! PROTECT ME! USE YOUR SUICIDE ATTACK!".
OH CRAP.
Suddenly, the guards..peel themselves, causing everyone nearby to cry. Not special tears or preventing tears, just..tears in people's eyes. Tuscany begins laughing, as he walks over their corpses slowly.
"YOU WILL ALL KNEEL BEFORE ME, I HAVE YOU BEAT!"
The Flash disappears in a streak and is quickly back with his daggers and flour, setting up a hot vat of oil. 
Moments later, the onion guards are cut up dredged in flour and tossed in the oil. "Mmm, blooming onion!"
The mental girl quickly makes her way into the fight, or what's left of it. "Hey Flash, Save me some of them! All this silliness is making me hungry!" She smirks and turns her attention to Tuscany. 
"How does this sound? Surrender now, or we will take you by force. Your ship is out of commission. Your guards are fried. You are all that is left." She steps closer. "Before you run your mouth again, I know what you do. It's over. NO MORE."
Tuscany is in full panic mode. "NO! NO! YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!".
Tuscany begins to run away, but suddenly, a large staff comes out of nowhere, rolling into his stubby 'feet', tripping him, down for the count. The staff floats back into Nico's hands, as she turns to Flash..and begins to fangirl.
"OH MAN IT'S THE FLASH. FIRST MARTIAN MANHUNTER, NOW THE FLASH? AAAAH.". Nico's grinning like crazy, her staff placing itself back in her chest. Wheaton's still passed out, and with the ship out of commission, everything is turning back to normal, more or less. No lasting damage.
"So..can I have your autograph?"
The Flash is smiling and enjoying the attention. "Oh it's not /that/ special, believe me. Sure I'll sign an autograph for you, take pics, what ever you want. And you are?" Wally says offering a handshake.
Psychick, meanwhile, goes to do a little cleanup. First order of business, Tuscany. Already the police are showing up. "Officers, I'd suggest relocating this guy to Star Labs perhaps. Also over on the ground by that tree, you will find an alien that appears to be bread. He is an innocent victim in all of this. I suggest Star Labs until Flash and I can get in contact with the JLA and The Titans. Someone might have a place for him. Thanks and sorry about the chaos." 
The officers nod and proceed to deal with the downed garlik guy. 
Psychick turns her attention to the girl who is geeking out and the Flash. She herself wants to geek out but now isn't the time. Quickly she makes her way over to them. "Talk about an eventful day. How are the onions coming?" She asks with a smirk.
The police nod, several of them having to use all their might to even lift Tuscany, as a few go to help Wheaton.
Nico nods gracefully. "Oh man, an autograph would be awesome! I'm Nico Minoru..you can call me Sister Grimm.". Another grin.
Wheaton is waking up, the Braedian looking around. "AAAH, DON'T EAT MEEE!".
Flash shakes her hand and with a big warm friendly smile says "Nice to meet you, Sister Grimm". Flash takes a pen and signs something for her, before going to check on the onions he is frying. 
"They look great!" Flash takes a bite of one. "Mmmm they taste great too!" 
Wally catches sight of Wheaton and hears his panicked cries. Wally goes over to him and crouches down to his level "It's ok, carby one. No one is gonna eat you. I promise."
Psychick laughs a little. "Well Share would ya!" She snickers and then looks over at Sister Grimm. "Hiya. Nice to meet you. Nice moves out there. Though that staff must be really painful."
She comments as Wally steps away. "This is going to be one of those days I won't be forgetting. I think we might need to get someone with flight and super strength to deal with the unidentified flying sandwich up there though.
"Heh. Call the Manhunter. He should be able to help.". Nico tosses a wave, and she's off, probably to go home.
As of this moment, all but one Garlik is extinct (for now). The Flash is currently devouring the corpses, Wheaton's probably getting some mental help, but..something is still strange. Why Earth? Why these aliens? WHY CONDIMENTS? Is there a mastermind behind this? WHO KNOWS? Maybe the world will find out some day...
Category:Log