Episode 106: Tony Bennett/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Clifford walks down the hall, encountering Johnny singing "Rags to Riches", surrounded by Tony Bennett memorabilia.
Clifford	Johnny! What you doin' in the green room?
Johnny 	Oh, Clifford! I'm so glad you stopped in. Listen, in honor of Tony being on the show, I thought I'd bring in a few of my collectibles from home.
Clifford	You brought in all this yourself?
Johnny 	Oh, you better believe it, kid. (laughs)
Sal 	(carrying a box) I got the last one here, Johnny.
Johnny 	Oh, thank you, Sal. Listen, put it over there, huh, pal?
Sal 	Okay.
Johnny 	Great. Look, Clifford, I got every album Tony Bennett ever made, including this very rare, Sergeant Tony's Lonely Hearts Club Gang, which, by the way, came out a week before the one with those other guys.
Clifford	The Beatles?
Johnny 	... Whatever. Anyway, look, I got the Tony Bennett lunchbox, huh? And then, and then I got the Tony Bennett action figure with kung-fu grip. And then, I got a full case of his canned pasta, Rig-a-Tony Bennett!
Sal 	You want I should open a can, Johnny?
Johnny 	Sal. Is it New Year's?
Sal 	No. Sorry, Johnny.
Clifford	Uh, well, listen, I gotta go. You guys are startin' to scare me.
Johnny 	Oh no, Clifford, wait, hold, hold ––
Clifford	Word, word?
Johnny 	You have not yet seen the piece of resistance. Sal, the curtain!
Sal 	Whoa! Here we go ...
Johnny 	Watch this...
 	Sal pulls back a red curtain to reveal a Tony Bennett statue in a glass case.
Sal 	Ta-dum!
Johnny 	Huh? Yes, to the untrained eye, it would appear that I have Tony Bennett locked in this here case. But, in truth, it is a fully operational automated Tony Bennett, of which I got the only one ever made, watch this.
 	He switches it on. The automa-Tony sings "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" as a film of a cable car is projected behind him.
Clifford	Wow! That's amazing!
Sal 	Yeah.
Johnny 	Yeah, yeah, I know. And, and he'll even tell your fortune.
 	He presses a button.
Tony 	Beware of falling cows.
Clifford	What kinda stupid fortune is that?
 	A cow falls on him.
Cow (JN)	That kind.
 	Johnny and Sal glance at each other.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Tony Bennett!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening number==
 	Open on the house band.
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
 	Clifford comes onstage to applause.
Clifford 	Hey! What's up, what's up! Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has something for every man, woman and child.
Rizzo 	Hey, what about my people?
Clifford 	Oh yeah, how could I forget our always-important rat population?
Rizzo 	Thank you. Haha.
Clifford 	Any hue, tonight's special guest is one of the great singers of this or any other generation, Mr. Tony Bennett!
 	Applause. Tony stands on stage with Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Ahh!
Tony 	How about that? It gets 'em.
Kermit 	Yeah. Whoo.
Tony 	Thank you. Hey Kermit, have you ever sung "Firefly" before?
Kermit 	Well, I can't say that I have, Tony, but you know, I've certainly eaten a few. (Tony laughs) They're a good, light snack. (chuckles)
 	The band starts playing.
Tony 	Oh boy. Hey, come on, let's do this.
Kermit 	Okay, you start it off, okay?
Tony 	Alright.
 	They sing "Firefly". Spamela emerges dressed as one, attracting Andy and Randy. When they try to touch her, sparks fly and her tail-bulb starts to short.
Randy 	I can fix it.
Andy 	I can help you.
 	POP! Spamela shrieks. Nigel, Eugene and Rizzo watch from the control room.
Nigel 	Oh, good grief. Spamela's smoking.
Rizzo 	Haha, is she ever!
Nigel 	No, no, no, somebody get a fire extinguisher!
Rizzo 	(scrambling) Fire extinguisher, yeah...
 	Onstage, Tony and Kermit finish the duet, while Andy fires a fire extinguisher at Spamela. Andy and Randy touch her behind, and get electrocuted. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf 	"I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
Statler 	Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis.
 	They chuckle.
==NYPD Green==
 	Crime scene, night. Kermit and Gary approach the scene as the theme music plays.
A. Ligator 	And now for tonight's exciting episode of NYPD Green.
Kermit 	Did you see which way he went?
Gary 	Nah. Nah, I think we lost him.
Kermit 	Aw, I can't believe we let that filthy dirtbag get away.
Censor (LCR) 	Excuse me. Excuse me.
Kermit 	Uh, who are you?
Censor (LCR) 	I'm the network censor, and you cannot call someone a "filthy dirtbag" on a family show.
 	The frogs laugh sheepishly.
Kermit 	Oh –– Oh, no, no, no.
Gary 	No, no –– you, you misunderstood.
Kermit 	(picks up a dirt bag) Yeah, you see, we were actually talking about an actual filthy bag of dirt here that was stolen.
Gary 	Yeah.
Censor (LCR) 	Oh... Sorry. Please continue. (exits)
Kermit 	Okay. Uh, where were we? Uh ... oh, I think it's your line. (takes his place)
Gary 	My line. Yes. Yes.
Kermit 	Yep yep yep. Ahem.
Gary 	Uh, I swear, Detective Amphibowitz, I will not rest until we catch that slimy scuzzball.
Censor (LCR) 	Stop! Stop! You cannot say "slimy scuzzball".
Kermit 	Oh, no no. You misunderstood again.
Gary 	Yeah, no no, you see, the guy that stole the filthy dirtbag is actually a slimy scuzzball.
Kermit 	That's right, that's right. Uh, Scuzz, could you come in here for a second please?
 	The scuzzball rolls into view, disgusting the censor.
Scuzzball (JN)	That's right, lady. I'm a scuzzball. I live under the couch. The cat coughed me up. You got a problem with that?
Censor (LCR) 	No, that's fine. I'm sorry. (the scuzzball rolls away) Uh ... carry on.
 	She walks over to a vampire kissing a fish.
Vampire (DG) 	Ah-ah-ah. Oh, my little baby. Mwah. Mwah.
Censor (LCR) 	I suppose this is a bloodsucking bass-kisser?
Kermit 	No, that's Don, the prop guy.
Gary 	Wow, lady, you got a filthy mind on you.
Kermit 	Come on, Gary, let's just flip off the camera.
Censor (LCR) 	What?
 	He walks to the camera and shuts it off.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Main stage. Applause.
Clifford	Yeah. Give it up. Heh heh heh. And now, Muppets Tonight nervously presents Gonzo the Great and his misguided missiles of death!
 	Applause. The house band plays a fanfare as Gonzo slides in and bumps into Clifford.
Gonzo 	Thank you, Clifford! Whoa! ... Hey! Good evening, danger lovers. Tonight, I, the great Gonzo, will attach myself to this intercontinental ballistic missile, and ski-jump over eight, live, free-range chickens!
Chickens	(clucking)
Clifford	Yo, yo, Gonzo. Why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?
Gonzo 	I give up, Clifford. Why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?
Clifford	No, man, it's not a joke!
Clifford	You're telling me! You should see my insurance premiums!
 	The chickens laugh at his joke. Clifford walks off, and Gonzo gets into place.
Gonzo 	Chickens... a little Wagner, please.
 	They cluck "Ride of the Valkyries".
Gonzo 	Okay Camilla, let 'er rip! Ha ha!
 	Camilla presses a button and launches the missile. Gonzo sails out of the auditorium, through the backstage doors, and past Rizzo's desk.
Rizzo 	Bet you won't see that on Friends. Heh.
 	Gonzo shoots into the elevator, and the door closes. The door opens at the lobby, and Gonzo shoots out of the elevator past Bobo.
Bobo 	Have a good day, sir.
 	Back at the control room...
Nigel 	Yes, and everything's going smoothly, team. Gonzo cleared those chickens with about 18,000 miles to spare. (laughs) And that leaves us with... nothing. (does a take) Nothing?!? There's nothing on stage! Quick quick quick! (scrambles to the control panel) Cue The Johnny Fiama Show! Get out of the way!
==Backstage / Johnny Fiama Show==
Rizzo 	(into earpiece) Cue Johnny Fiama.
Clifford 	Oh, man, did you see that? Did you see that?
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Clifford 	That was great! Did you see Gonzo take off?
Rizzo 	Oh, yeah.
Clifford 	Well, where'd he land?
Rizzo 	Uh, well, technically, chief, he –– he hasn't.
Clifford 	Say what?
Rizzo 	Uh-uh.
Clifford 	Well where's he at, then?
 	He walks over to Dr. Bunsen and Beaker operating a radar.
Bunsen 	Well, Clifford, we're tracking Gonzo right now, and according to our calculations, he has just passed over Perth, and is now somewhere near Rapid City, South Dakota.
Clifford 	Heh heh. Well alright!
 	Meanwhile, Gonzo zooms past Mount Rushmore.
Gonzo 	Hello, Mr. President!
Washington 	That was cool.
Jefferson 	Whoa, that guy can fly fast and stuff.
Roosevelt 	Heh heh. You said "Fly." Heh heh, heh heh.
Lincoln 	Huh huh. Shut up, rockhead.
 	They all laugh like Beavis and Butt-head. Meanwhile, back at the radar...
Bunsen 	Now he's over Turkey. Now he's over Greece. Now he's overeaten. (laughs) I made a funny.
 	A bell dings.
Clifford 	Yo, Dr. Dew. What does that bell mean?
Bunsen 	I think that means that Gonzo has reached the apogee of his trajectory.
Lew Zealand	(opens a microwave) Nope. That means... my popcorn is done! (laughs, walks away)
Clifford 	While you guys keep an eye on Gonzo, I'ma go and check out the Johnny Fiama talk show. Hope he's not doing a Letterman ripoff.
Rizzo 	Nahh. He would never do that.
 	Switch to the show, which is indeed a ripoff. Johnny reads from a list, "Top Ten Reasons Chicks Dig Me", while Sal sits on the guest couch with a plate of cannoli.
Johnny 	Number 2... (reads) My monkey bodyguard is there to flick away the flies. (laughs)
 	Rimshot.
Sal 	Aw ... (laughs)
Johnny 	And the number 1 reason chicks dig me... (drumroll; he reads) I still cry when Bambi's mother buys the farm!
 	He and Sal laugh. Applause.
Johnny 	Okay, alright, thank you, Sal. We're moving on, huh? And now it's time to, to bring out my first guest. I tell ya, I am so excited. Uh, let me explain. Tony Bennett is my all-time favorite idol. I am so nervous. We've never met. Uh, the man –– he loves a marinara with linguini, like I do. So, let's bring him out. I'm very excited. Very nervous. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Bennett!
 	The band plays a refrain from "I Left My Heart..." as Tony enters, shakes Johnny's hand and sits on the couch.
Johnny 	Oh, my ...
Tony 	Great to finally meet you, Johnny.
Johnny 	(clams up)
Tony 	Is he okay, Sal?
Sal 	Yeah, yeah. He's just scared out of his gourd to meet you. Want a cannoli?
Tony 	Uh, no. No, thanks, Sal.
Sal 	Eh, suit yourself.
Tony 	Johnny, maybe you and I should just sing a song and--
Johnny 	Uh, song?
Tony 	Yeah, come on.
Johnny 	Now?
 	Tony stands up as the band begins to play.
Tony 	Yeah, now.
Sal 	Yeah, come on, Johnny.
Tony 	We'll have fun.
 	Tony and Johnny take center stage. They try to get through a duet of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", but Johnny stammers all the way through, ultimately fainting.
Tony 	Ha! I guess we'll call the whole thing off. Hey, Sal, save me a cannoli.
Sal 	(mouth full) Yeah, sure. Oops. I--I finished them all.
 	Music button.
==The Tubmans of Porksmith==
 	The dining room. Howard eats a piece of cake, while Carter approaches with a tape measure.
A. Ligator 	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Howard 	Carter?
Carter 	Yes?
Howard 	I believe these trousers need to be let out again.
Carter 	(grunts) For the seventeenth time this year, sir, you must learn to control your lust for dessert!
Howard 	Mmm! Dessert. Well, that reminds me. There's a colonial rum cake I've put away. We'll celebrate the letting out of my pants! What say you?
 	A band of robbers enter and stick 'em up.
Robber (AT)	(a la Edward G. Robinson) Alright, you fine New England gentlemen, this is a robbery, see! Meh!
Howard 	Please! Please! Take anything! I abhor violence!
Robber (DM)	Hey, shut yer trap. We want your gold and your jewels, and your ––
Robber (AT)	Hey! Look what we have here. It's a safe.
Howard 	No –– please! Don't open that! I beg of you, take anything but that!
 	He opens the safe and finds ...
Robber (AT)	A colonial rum cake?
Robber (DM)	What sort of a Yankee Doodle dummy puts a cake in a safe?
Robber (AT)	Oh, well, let's have a piece, huh?
Robber (DM)	Yeah.
Howard 	Oh no you don't!
Robbers 	Huh?
Howard 	I told you not to touch that!
 	He beats up the robbers, who flee.
Howard 	Don't touch my rum cake! Don't you dare touch my rum cake! No, no, no, no, don't –– leave! Well, that's a shame. I was going to ask them to stay for a cup of tea.
Carter 	I'll have a cup of tea, sir.
Howard 	Oh, excellent.
Carter 	And I wouldn't mind a slice of that colonial rum cake.
 	Carter walks toward the safe; Howard knocks him down and guards the safe.
Howard 	Huh? Not with my rum cake, you don't, mister! Don't you try it.
 	Fade to black.
==Carl==
 	Main stage. Applause.
Clifford	Yeah. Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Let's give a big welcome to an act that I know you'll like: the musical stylings of Carl, the big mean bunny.
 	Applause. Carl, wearing bunny ears and carrying a violin, enters to a band fanfare.
Clifford	Give it up. Give it up. –– Wait a minute. You're not a bunny.
Carl 	No. But I'm big and mean. Oh! What's that on your tie?
 	He points to Clifford's tie with the violin bow, then whacks Clifford in the nose.
Carl 	Ha ha! Thank you.
 	He starts playing out of tune. Meanwhile, back in the control room...
Rizzo 	Uh, any news from Gonzo yet?
Bunsen 	Not yet. According to our calculations, he's somewhere in New York City.
Muppets 	(gasp) New York City?
==At the Bar==
 	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster 	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy — Oh! Hi, Mr. Callahan. How ya doin'? Uh, you want the usual? No? Well, let me mix you up something I call ... my Sergio Surprise!
 	He hands Mr. C a bubbling drink, when a green creature pops out of it and snarls.
Polly Lobster 	Who's that? Oh, that's Sergio. He's the surprise! Uh –– what, you don't want any? Oh. Sergio! I tried to warn you, keep your head down until after, AFTER they drink you! THEN you go nuts! (shoves him away) Alright mister, get outta here ... uh, what? What's that, Mr. C? Oh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll call him. CLUELESS!
 	Clueless comes out to applause.
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly, what is –– huh? (bows) Oh, thank you. Heh heh. Thank you. (does a take, inspects Mr. C) Oh, Mr. Callahan, now you've crossed a line. With those kinda stretch marks, you really gotta wear a one piece.
Polly Lobster 	Uh, say Clueless, what's new with you and the missus?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, not much. Uh, but we're expecting a blessed event.
Polly Lobster 	(gasp) You're kiddin'! You're gonna have a baby?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, no, they're moving a mouth-watering, lip-smacking junkyard in next door, and uh, if that's not a blessed event, I don't know what is.
Polly Lobster 	(bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan	"I don't know what is."
Polly Lobster 	You already did the punchline. Heh heh heh.
Clueless Morgan	Oh, really? (Polly gives him a look) –– Paul?
 	The pianist plays, and Polly and Morgan sing "Home on the Range", when they're trampled by a buffalo. Polly gets up.
Polly Lobster 	Ooh. That's gonna hurt in the morning.
==Backstage / "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"==
 	Sal assists Johnny in packing up his Tony memorabilia.
Johnny	Aw, Salley, I can't believe I passed out in front of Tony Bennett.
Sal 	(shrugs) Eh.
Johnny	"Eh?" Like that's not a big thing or somethin'? Tonight was the single most embarrassing moment of my life!
Sal 	Yeah, what about that time that you ralphed all over the Japanese prime minister?
Johnny	That wasn't me. That was George Bush. Why do you always confuse us?
Sal 	I'm sorry, Mr. Presid-- I mean, Johnny.
Johnny	Alright. Pack, huh? (Sal resumes) I can only hope that not too many people saw what happened tonight.
Sal 	Well, if that's what you're hoping, Johnny, then you shouldn't look at today's Variety. See?
Johnny	Huh?
 	Sal holds up the magazine, which has the headline "RATINGS RISE AS FIAMMA [sic] FALLS".
Johnny	No, Sal, I shouldn't look at that.
Sal 	So, uh, what DO you want I should do then, Johnny?
Johnny	Nothing. All right? Nothing. I just want to be alone now, huh?
Sal 	You want me to help you be alone?
Johnny	No, Sal! Just go, huh? Go.
Sal 	... Sorry, Johnny. (walks away) I was, uh... just uh, trying to help.
 	Sad piano music plays as Sal exits. He walks through a dark room, illuminated by the light shining through a Venetian blind. He remembers Johnny, who appears in balloons ...
Johnny	(in left balloon) No, Sal. Get out! Out! (in right balloon) Sal, would you get off of the dashboard, huh?
 	The balloon disappears, then reappears again as Sal looks away.
Johnny	(in right balloon) Sal, stop-- I'm over here, you stupid monkey. (Sal looks) Sal, stop groomin' me.
Johnny	(in left balloon) What do you mean you voted for Dukakis?
 	Sal continues walking, now outside, dressed in a trench coat, as the voice of Tony sings "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". He looks through the window at the control room, where Clifford and the other Muppets are whooping it up, as it starts to rain outside. Sal continues through an alley, where the cats and dogs are loud. He catches a piece of newspaper blown by the wind, then tries to walk against the wind, but gets knocked over. He walks down the hall, then opens a door to reveal Tony singing.
Tony 	Sal, what is it?
Sal 	Hey, Tony. Say, are you looking for something like a, like a new personal assistant or bodyguard or something?
Tony 	But Sal, you're Johnny's monkey.
Sal 	Yeah, not anymore. Johnny hates me now. I guess, to –– to him, I'm... I'm just a chump-anzee! (sobs on Tony)
Tony 	Hey, Sal. Hey, Sal-- the suit. Monkey tears don't come out.
Sal 	I'm sorry. The point is, Tony, I gotta find some way to get back into Johnny's good graces.
Tony 	Well come on, Sal. Between the two of us, I'm sure we can think of something.
Sal 	Yeah. (thinks with Tony) Hmm.
 	Angle on a clock. The time elapses from 8:40 to 8:55.
Tony 	I swear, I can't think of anything.
Sal 	Me neither.
Tony 	I feel like that robot Tony that you've got in the case.
Sal 	Hey, wait a minute. That gives me an idea!
 	A bell dings as they perk up.
==Great Moments in Elvis History==
 	Open on a castle dining room. Two musicians make chit-chat until they hear the announcer, then quickly take their place and blow their horns.
A. Ligator 	And now, Great Moments in Elvis History presents, "Elvis the King and his Knights of the Round Table".
Galahad 	Hark. The King approaches.
Guest (AT) 	The King approaches.
Both 	The King. The King.
Elvis (BB) 	Well, thank ya. Thank ya very much, Galahad.
Galahad 	Your highness, much trouble is brewing in your kingdom.
Elvis (BB) 	How dare you call your King dumb? (pause) That there was a joke, son. I suggest you laugh a lot?
Elvis (BH) 	You called, your majesty?
Elvis (BB) 	No, Lancelot. I said, "laugh a lot".
Elvis (BH) 	Okay. (takes a seat) Heh heh. Yeah.
Galahad 	Your highness, have you heard-- a dragon has captured lady Guinevere?
Elvis (BB) 	No, but if ya hum a few bars, I'll be happy to rock along.
 	A beat.
Elvis (BH) 	Have no fear, my liege, I shall slay that beast.
Elvis (BB) 	Now, don't be cruel there, fella.
Elvis (BH) 	Ooh ...
Elvis (BB) 	Guinevere may be a mite plain, but she ain't no beast.
 	A third Elvis appears, this one a wizard.
Elvis (JN) 	Mercy!
Elvises 1 & 2 	Holy grail!
Elvis (BB) 	It's Merlin, and he's got the Queen.
 	They walk over to them.
Elvis (BH) 	Ooh. How did you get her back?
Elvis (JN) 	That there dragon was sick of naggin'. He sent back this here Guinevere.
Elvis (BB) 	Returned to sender?
Elvis (BH) 	Address unknown?
Elvis (JN) 	You betcha.
Elvises 1 & 2 	Ooh!
Guinevere (LCR)	I hate that dragon. All he ever ate was roast meat and barbecue.
Elvises 	Mmm! Tasty!
Elvis (BB) 	Oh, my Guinevere, I was so afraid I'd lost you forever, and you were the finest gal I had.
Galahad 	Yes, your majesty?
Elvis (BB) 	No, not you, Galahad. I was talking to my Queen. I'm so happy she's back. It makes me want to dance a lot.
Dancealot (SW) 	(dances by) Yes, your majesty?
Elvis (BB) 	No, not you, Dancealot. Aw heck. Let's just sing the song.
Elvis (BH) 	Oh yeah!
 	They whip out their guitars and sing to the tune of "Jailhouse Rock".
Elvises 	♪ A dragon has captured Lady Guinevere...
Elvis (BB) 	♪ But don't you worry, Excalibur's here!
Elvis (JN) 	♪ That dragon breathes fire...
Elvis (BH) 	♪ He's mighty hot...
Elvis (BB) 	♪ A-just ask good ol' Lancelot!
Elvises 	♪ Let's rock!
Elvis (BH) 	Oh yeah!
Elvises 	♪ Oh, everybody, let's rock!''
Elvis (JN) 	Uh-huh. Yeah.
Elvises 	
♪ Everybody knows that dragon is hot,
♪ We're rockin' here in Camelot! Yeah!
 	Applause. They bow.
Elvises 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
A. Ligator 	Join us next time when Great Moments in Elvis History presents... Tarzan of Graceland.
 	Fade to a jungle setting. Tarzan/Elvis emerges with a donut.
Elvis (BB) 	Ooh-yeah. Me Elvis. You fried jelly donut. (takes a bite) Mmm. Tasty!
==Backstage / Closing number==
 	Johnny sets down another memorabilia box.
Johnny 	Ah. Well, that'll be the last of it. ... Oh. (walks over to Robot Tony) Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. I could always sing with you, Automaton Tony. But with the real Tony, I'm the mameluke of the year. Oh, well, pal, how about one for old time's sake, huh?
 	He presses the red button. Music starts to play, and Tony comes alive. Johnny and Tony sing a duet of "Shaking the Blues Away", and Tony steps out of the box and walks over to Johnny.
Johnny 	(stammering) It's you! It's really you!
Tony 	That's right, Johnny. I knew we could sing together.
Johnny 	Yeh ... you mean I'm singing with the real Tony?
Tony 	Come on, Johnny! Let's take it home!
 	The house band backs them up as they finish the duet in an alley.
Tony 	Shake 'em.
Johnny 	(shakes) I'm goin', Tone.
Tony 	Shake 'em.
Johnny 	(shakes) Watch me, babe.
Tony 	Shake 'em. That's it.
Both 	(big finish)
♪ Don't break 'em...
♪ Shakin' all your blues away!
Tony 	(scats)
 	Applause.
Johnny 	Ah, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you, Tony.
Tony 	Oh, don't thank me, Johnny. It was Sal who put all this together.
Johnny 	Sal?
 	He looks behind him and sees the sad monkey.
Johnny 	Sal, come up here, you little goofball. Come here. Come here. (Sal approaches him) Come here. Give me a hug. Huh? Come here. Come on.
 	Sal sobs as Johnny hugs him.
Johnny 	It's alright. Who's my little stinky monkey?
Sal 	(sniffles) I am. I am, Johnny.
Johnny 	Yeah. That's right. That's right. Thank you, Sal. It was very, very, very sweet of you.
Sal 	Aw, it was nothing, Johnny. Y'know, it was just that, when you couldn't sing with Tony, you looked –– you looked so pathetic and so pitiful, and I just thought--
Johnny 	Alright, okay, okay, thank you, Sal.
Tony 	Hey, it's so good to see you guys back together.
Sal 	Thanks, Tony.
Johnny 	It's because of you, Tony.
Sal 	Yeah.
Johnny 	Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Bennett, huh!
 	Applause.
Sal 	Yeah. Yeah. You better clap!
Johnny 	Isn't he wonderful?
Sal 	Yeah. You all clap.
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Waldorf	Thank goodness this show's almost over.
Statler	So what happened to that blue freak on the missile?
 	BOOM! Gonzo and the missile land inches away from them.
Waldorf	Whoa! Is he all right?
Statler	I dunno. I'll check his pulse.
Waldorf	If he's got one, I'll split it with you.
 	They chuckle. Gonzo gets up, dazed.
Gonzo 	Did I clear the chickens? (faints)
 	They chuckle.
==Epilogue==
 	After hours, Tony is trapped in the box. Beauregard glances at him.
Tony 	I'm the real Tony Bennett. You put the wrong guy in here, fellas! Come on, anybody! Get me out of here. Anybody.
Beauregard	Boy. Sure is realistic.
 	He turns off the light and walks away as Tony tries to escape.
Tony 	Come on, let me out of here. Let me out.
 	The credits roll, with outtakes from "The Johnny Fiama Show" and Gonzo's stunt.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts