2016 Power Rankings-Week 2

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== Introduction ==
Welcome to another week of the LoC Power Rankings, my valiant albeit disappointing weekly attempt at fantasy football related humor that starts off with the best intentions and is ultimately rushed to completion as Thursday night kickoff approaches and my boss pressures me to actually do work. We start with this:
A big win for the commish, a squeaker from Papa’s Posse, a soul-crushing defeat for “Paddock 9,” an 0-1 start to the title defense for Reign Maker, and a scorched-earth beatdown by Cinderella story “Deez Sons of Bitchez.”
That’s an exact quote from the week two power rankings in 2015. Strangely enough, it applies again today. I suppose no matter what the results this weekend, this shows week one doesn’t mean shit unless you can follow it up with good performances for another 15 weeks.
In any case, congrats to four of you on a successful opening weekend. And to five of you: do better. Come on. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
But fear not, you five frivolous losers. Six teams make the playoffs and only five can win on opening weekend. By the transitive property, at least one team that lost week one is guaranteed to make the playoffs.
== The 300-Point Club ==
Congrats to Deez Sons of Bitchez for becoming the 8th member of the 300 point club. They make their mark with the 8th highest score ever recorded in the league.
== Okay, Don’t Pick ‘Em All ==
Literally no one wanted to play my pick ‘em game, which is fine. I was going to buy the winner playoff tickets but now no one gets to win because no one gets to play. This is why we can’t have nice things.
== Survivor Update ==
While no one wanted to play Pick 'Em, everyone was down for a little survivor. 
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Eight teams advance in the Survivor Pool. Zach and Chan, who were obviously confused as to what the object of the game was, picked the two worst teams in the league and were promptly eliminated.
If you want to pick either the Bills or Jets, get me your pick by kickoff. Otherwise, get me your pick by 1:00 kickoff on Sunday!
== A Note on the Matt Jinx ==
Look, I want to throw all my cards on the table with the Matt Jinx. Let me start by saying the Matt Jinx is real. How do I know? I live the Matt Jinx every day of my life. But to be clear, the Matt Jinx is not “everything Matt doesn’t want to happen, happens” It’s “everything Matt GENUINELY BELIEVES will happen and says out loud for people to hear, the opposite happens.” Without listing every example, here are two football related instances that properly depict the curse in all of its power:
# Matt is so confident the Patriots will win Super Bowl 42 he buys a Brady jersey. They lose. He is convinced wearing the jersey opening weekend 2008 will reverse the curse. Brady tears his ACL. He doesn’t wear Patriots gear during a game at any point up until Super Bowl 45, which coincides with the weekend his then-girlfriend leaves him for a Giants fan. Driving home for the game, Matt is cut off by a Giants fan. He leans out the window and screams  “Giants are getting their fucking asses beat tonight!!” Watching the game with a Gronk shirt on, the Giants win and Gronk barely misses a hail mary catch at the end because of a nagging leg injury.
# Matt trades Brady after week four in 2014 because he thinks the Patriots are done. Brady goes on to have an MVP-caliber season and they win the Super Bowl. Matt finishes with 3 wins and Ryan Tannehill as his QB.
Flash forward to this weekend. How did I know the Patriots would be without Gronk? Because I drafted Gronk. How did I know the Cardinals would lose? Because I picked the Cardinals to win. I knew Jimmy G would lead a game winning drive in the fourth because after the Cardinals scored I blasted out a text that read “well at least they kept it close.” EVERY FUCKING TIME I open my mouth to say something, good or bad, the opposite happens. Every time I think something and keep quiet, that’s exactly what happens and I say “I knew it” and no one believes me. That’s the Matt Jinx.
== Statistical Notes ==
* The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place teams all lost this week.
* The top three all-time win leaders all lost this week.
* Dee FINALLY hops over IAMGROOT into 9th all time in wins.
** JarJar is right behind at 11th all time after their victory this week.
* JarJar hits The Groot Line with his win this week. He is now 7 and 7 in the regular season.
* JarJar jumps three spots to 13th on the all-time combined scoring list.
== Power Rankings ==
Starters + Bench = Total Points Scored (TPS)
=== 1 (3). Deez Sons of Bitchez ===
Bench Points - 85.41
TPS - 397.71
2015 Week 2 Ranking - 1
Leave it up to Dee to nab a Dab castoff and start him to the tune of 49.70 points. Ware’s start was handcuffing to perfection. Despite not learning their lesson with Charles, they do seem to have a better taste for free agent talent. Maybe they could teach RIP a thing or two about how to build a team. This week is an early test for them as they go up against the other team that came out of the draft looking like a title contender.
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=== 2 (2). Peeled Eggplant ===
Bench Points - 60.20
TPS - 292.14
2015 Week 2 Ranking - 9
Speaking of ripe vegetables! Peeled Eggplant unveiled their new arsenal of weapons this week. Cam Newton and Antonio Brown are the impressive 1-2 punch that Peeled hoped for and that we all feared. In fact, the top five players on the team all exceeded expectations. Gary Barnidge was a disgusting blemish on an otherwise nice roster. Barnidge, who had no chemistry with RG3 in pre-season, might be able to break out with whatever piece of trash is moving in at QB for Believeland. This team is very similar in style to 2013’s Cooper Clux Clan, which featured MVP Peyton Manning and pro-bowler Calvin Johnson, two massive point producers that carried the squad to 2nd place in the league.
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===3 (6). Papa’s Posse===
Bench Points - 94.80
TPS - 344.21
2015 Week Two Ranking - 6
PP is o-for no more. PP gets the monkey off their back by finally beating The Shotti Bunch for the first time in franchise history. Previously 0-6, Papa has made a big statement by knocking off the defending champ. How impressive of a performance was this for Papa? This team has only scored over 240 points four other times since 2011 and not once since week 4 of 2014. PP started off last season 1-0 before losing 5 of their next 7 but I feel like this season might be different. There were a lot of questions surrounding this team a week ago, but not right now.
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===4(1). The Shotti Bunch===
Bench Points - 39.86
TPS - 266.66
2015 Week Two Ranking - 3
This is the first time in franchise history that TSB lost on opening weekend but don’t cry for the two-time champ. They got beat, but still put up a respectable 226.80 points, good enough to have defeated four other teams. Also, TB12 got a much needed haircut so he’s back to looking elite as hell. Uncharacteristically, the ground and pound approach that has become a signature for TSB failed them, with three of their four RBs failing to meet projections. Look for them to recover against an unhealthy and incomplete GBM.
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===5(9). GLORIOUS===
Bench Points - 121.74
TPS - 370.63
2015 Week Two Ranking - 7 
Including the post-season, G is on a 5 game losing streak and they’ve lost 8 of their last 9. But not all losses are alike. If GBM was a team that won when they deserved to lose, GLORIOUS is a team that lost when they deserved to win. When you’re on the receiving end of a 300-point game your win probability is 0.00%. That being said the margin of defeat, at 63.41, was the smallest ever for a game featuring a 300 point performance. 248.89 was also the 6th highest score by a losing team in regular season history and the 8th highest score by a losing team regular season/playoffs combined. Yay? QB1, RB1, WR1, TE1, K1 all blew by their projections. Is GLORIOUS back? Their brutal schedule continues in week two against Papa’s Posse.
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===6(5). Garoppoblow Me===
Bench Points - 56.36
TPS - 254.95
2015 Week Two Ranking - 2
No Gronk, no Bell, no problem. GBM rode the Great White Woodhead and the wings of high flying Eagle Jordan Matthews to an easy week one victory, the second year in a row they were able to win on opening weekend. Despite making incorrect starts at the flex position and at QB, 6 of 11 starters exceeded projections. With the league’s top tight-end Gronk out, Dwayne Allen stepped up and was, you guessed it, the league’s top tight-end. All that being said, they now stare down the barrel of a ruthless three game stretch followed by a week five matchup where both their kicker and their defense is on the bye. Truthfully, this was a terrible performance, but a lot of guys showed promise and winning without the two best players was huge.
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===7(7). JarJar Stinks!===
Bench Points - 56.78
TPS - 293.09
2015 Week Two Ranking - 4 
JarJar is...good? If JarJar Stinks (the artist formerly known as TEAM MANBEARPIG (formerly known as Joe’s Okay Team) had sat all five of their WRs they still would have only lost by 2 points, so their opponent didn’t really put up a fight. But still, an impressive performance reminiscent of last season’s week one coming out party where they put up 240. Two factors keep JarJar in 7th (for now). One is the autodraft cloud that will hang over them all season. Does an autodrafted team have the roster complexity to survive through the byes? And two, ownership is surprising their son and daughter with a trip to Disneyland on Thursday, putting fantasy access in jeopardy over the weekend. Yeah, you read that right. The hero firefighter is surprising his 11 and 8-year-old kids by taking them out of school and flying them to Disneyland. Fucking Joe Burns.
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=== 8(8). RIPDab ===
Bench Points - 56.31
TPS - 248.82
2015 Week Two Ranking - 7
One thing I really love about RIPDab is you can take everything they say and 100% count on them being wrong. 
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Is it too early to say RIP to RIPDab? I’d say so, although you know what I’m obligated to point out: The Even Year Curse may be upon us. RIPDab dropped Crowell and Ware before the games and both had great start-worthy performances. And for the second year in a row we have an early QB controversy. For anyone who had RIPDab as the team to pick up Garoppolo in their work pool, collect your winnings. RIPDab moves into a 5-5 head-to-head tie with Peeled Eggplant. This is the only time the two teams meet this season. Maybe the Fantasy Gods will grace us with a playoff tie-breaker. But there are months to go before playoffs. Can they bounce back against another team in desperate need of a bounce back game?
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=== 9(4). Ma ma momma said ===
Bench Points - 70.25
TPS - 237.01
2015 Week Two Ranking - 10
Disastrous is the word I used to describe their opening game last year, and I’d say the same word applies this time around. Last season Dez Bryant broke his foot and Peyton Manning's arm went full noodle. But they had ODB, they had Eli, they had Freeman. What happens if Fitzpatrick really can’t throw, devaluing Marshall at WR? What if this is the year of Peterson’s decline, like I alluded to last week? Week one knee-jerk reactions for sure, but what if? At least they have two mobile and talented QBs to choose from this time around.
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=== 10(10). Paddock 9 ===
Bench Points - 38.45
TPS - 214.69
2015 Week Two Ranking - 5
Paddock 9. A play in three acts.
==== Act 1: ====
==== Act 2: ====
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==== Act 3: ====
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Aside from somehow being demolished by the fourth lowest scoring team in the league, Pat managed to lose his WR2 to IR AND his WR1 is now dealing with an ankle injury. Hopefully their vaunted Raiders defense can at least double their 3-point performance in week two against the league's 11th ranked Atlanta offense.
Pat doesn’t think he deserves the constant injuries and does not understand what he did to deserve punishment. Yet he refuses to worship the Fantasy Gods and instead vocally denounces them at every opportunity. Not only that but Pat defied one of the main commandments of the Gods, “Thou Shall beware of excessive trash talk.”
Patrick, if you are reading this: Swear fealty to the Fantasy Gods. Throw down your sword of revolt and pledge allegiance to the all powerful, all knowing, all merciful deities that lord over this league.
== Matchup of the Week - “The Battle of the Unbeatens” ==
The two top ranked teams in the league go head-to-head in an early battle of the heavyweights, with Peeled Eggplant and Deez Sons of Bitchez trading punches in the first of their two regular season matchups. Peeled narrowly leads the all-time head-to-head record at 3-2, but both losses came in 2015. Both QBs have favorable matchups, but Brees is the clear favorite after throwing SEVEN touchdowns against the Giants last season. Conversely, both defenses have unfavorable matchups, but I give the edge to Houston over the Vikings, who will no doubt be feeling the pressure of opening their new stadium to the big bad Packers . Peeled has the projected advantage but it will be difficult to defeat the balanced offensive attack of Dee.