Worlds smartest inventions 12 transcript

(angelic music playing)
man: Holy crap, it's the golden ticket. I'm going to the World's Smartest Inventions Factory! This is amazing.
man: Yes, isn't it, though? Welcome to my factory, young lad. Tonight you will see with your own two eyes, 20 of the world's smartest inventions. A machine that transforms meat into other differently shaped meats! An alternative to waxing your face. A contraption that magically moves people. We also have the coolest pillow in the world. 
man: Oh goodness. 
man: A seat cushion that will get you wasted. And at a top-secret location, the number one smartest invention. 
man: I can't wait to go home and tell my friends all about it. 
man: Oh you're not going home, young boy, no, that was a one-way golden ticket. You work here now.
man: Ahh!
man: "The World's Smartest Inventions" starts right now.
announcer: Has this happened to you? Where is your umbrella during sudden rain and snow? In the car, home? But not with you? If you walked into that rain, you get drenched. But no more. Introducing the Pen-brella, the amazing umbrella in a pen. 
Jared: The Pen-brella is an awkwardly large pen and a pitifully small umbrella. It does two jobs poorly. 
announcer: You'll never be caught without an umbrella again because most of us carry a pen all of the time.
Brendon: Yeah, you know how you carry those big weird carnival pens and pencils around with you everywhere? Well, now one of them has an umbrella in it 
announcer: This pen can even protect your new hairdo from being ruined. 
man: There could be a thunderstorm going on around me right now. I wouldn't know thanks to Pen-brella. 
announcer: Pull it out of your pocket or case. Never get caught in the rain or snow without an umbrella again.
Mike T.: And in case you're wondering what kind of (bleep) would buy this thing? A dude who still dresses like Austin Powers, that's who. 
announcer: They make wonderful gifts.
woman: Really?
man: No. (laughing)
(loud slurping) 
man: Ahh! 
announcer: Put the Pen-brella in your kids backpack and breathe a sigh of relief.
Chris: I'm gonna actually use the Pen-brella pen to write myself a little note. Here we go.
announcer: The Pen-brella is exclusively sold through this special TV offer. The price, just $14.95. But wait, order now and we'll double the offer. You'll get two Pen-brellas for the same price. 
man: Call four more times, you'll have eight Pen-brellas equal to one real umbrella. 
announcer: You'll never be caught without an umbrella again.
narrator: Workplace inventions could transform the office into a place of innovation and efficiency. The number 19 invention is no exception.
woman: Oh my gosh, Amy, so I changed my profile picture and now I'm getting poked all the time.
man: After work, you and me, drinks and then we're gonna see what happens. 
announcer: When you have an important deadline, don't you wish your co-workers did too? Introducing CubeGuard, the smart new office tool designed to prevent unwanted interruptions and improve productivity.
Mike T.: Look, if I don't respect the office sexual harassment policy, you expect me to respect this little doo-dad? 
announcer: CubeGuard installs in seconds with no tools required. Message cartridges are interchangeable and available in a variety of photo-quality print designs and messages.
Mike O.: So it creates an invisible soundproof barrier around your cubicle? No, it's just a band? Okay.
man: CubeGuard, for (bleep) who don't understand noise cancellation headphones. 
announcer: Choose from "Do not disturb," "Out to lunch," "Working from home" or "Out of the office."
man: Passive-aggressive co-worker. I'm a bummer to be around. No one's talking to me anyway but I want to insult you still. 
man: Debbie, I can see you, you're right there! You're not out to lunch! Debbie, I need those reports. This is a business, Debbie. Stop ignoring me. 
announcer: Impress your boss with projects completed on time and reward yourself by leaving the office on time with CubeGuard. 
Judy: I hope they have one that says, "You're fired" 'cause you will be if you use this.
announcer: CubeGuard, get your message across today.
narrator: And now, a break in the countdown for the not so smart inventions in history. The 1950s Duo-ped.
commentator: It's like riding a bike, really. It's just one foot after the other, up and down, there you go and before you know it, you'll-- oh... 
narrator: The grapefruit eating mask. 
man: All you have to do is pull down the protective screen which is provided and then you can eat a grapefruit without any trouble at all.
narrator: And the flying car.
commentator: Up, up and away! (coughing) Oh God. I'm on fire!
narrator: That was not so smart inventions in history. 
announcer: Laird or lady. The title given to a rightful landowner in Scotland. The thing is, you don't have to be Scottish to own land there. The become a Laird or Lady gift box contains all the paperwork necessary to register and own a one square foot plot of land at the Dunans Estate in Argyll, Scotland. 
Mike T.: This is a gift for which the phrase "thanks for nothing" is appropriate.
announcer: When you give someone the Laird or Lady Giftbox, he or she will complete the registration, and thus legally gain the title "Lady" or "Laird." 
Brad: Nothing says Christmas like legal papers, deeds and a false title bearing no power whatsoever. 
announcer: Side note, the Scottish title Laird is equivalent to the English Lord. 
Kevin: Except for that it's way less cool. 
announcer: But be careful, their new-found title may go to their head. 
man: Hey, could you give me a hand with the dishes?
woman: Excuse you? What did you just call me?
man: Lady Ashley? Can you come give me a hand with the dishes? 
woman: No.
Chris: Oh, great, so I can buy my girlfriend a plot of land as a gift and she'll start being a bitch to me? Where do I sign? 
announcer: Register and own a one square foot plot of land in Argyll, Scotland. A truly unique gift idea. The Become a Laird or Lady Giftbox. 
Kevin: Yeah, I told you, Mom, I bought a place. It's great, it's got a safe neighborhood, lots of light. Amazing views.
Sean: Who's that, your mom? Hi Ellen, how you doing? It's Sean. Thank you for the brownies, they were delicious! 
Kevin: That's my neighbor. You cannot say hi.
Sean: She wants to say hello? Let me have the phone.
Kevin: No-no-no-no.
Sean: Come on, I got a couple of minutes, I wanna talk to her.
Kevin: I'm going to the other half of my property.
narrator: Coming up... Drinks that go right to your backside.
announcer: Papa Bert's Sippin' Seat can hold up to three cups of liquid 300 pounds f ass.
narrator: And... Guard Owl. But first, a clue to the number one smartest invention.
woman: What do we have from... Susan.
woman: The number one smartest invention, ma'am.
woman: Highly doubtful. Let's see it. Wow, it's...
woman: Constantly changing shape. 
woman: But also... 
woman: Full of danger. 
woman: And it's... 
woman: So fun you can't stop? Yes.
woman: This truly is the number one smartest invention. I'm not looking at any other entries. Go home, brats.
Chris: Oh, man! Power down, Kiki.
narrator: When "Worlds Smartest Inventions" continues. 
announcer: Tired of those same old boring barbecues? Not hamburgers and hot dogs again. Make your next barbecue more exciting with the Ham Dogger. The Ham Dogger takes ordinary hamburger meat and transforms it into the perfect hot dog shape. It's the best of both worlds. 
Jared: But a hot dog is... already in a hot dog shape so... You know best. 
announcer: The two piece cylinder allows you to turn ground beef or ground turkey into fun hot dog shaped hamburgers.
Mike T.: Can't you just do that with your hands? Didn't you guys ever play with Play-Doh? 
announcer: Simply put some meat into the Ham Dogger and throw it on the grill. It's that easy. You'll have the most unique barbeque treat on the block.
Brendon: No it's not a weird, long skinny hamburger. It's a Ham Dog! Call it by its right name! 
announcer: It's a fun way to surprise your guests. You'll be the hit of the barbecue. 
Sean: 'Cause no one else will be there. 
announcer: No more extra rolls. With the Ham Dogger, you'll never have to worry about mismatched buns again.
Ted: Matching buns to burgers, who can do all that math? 
announcer: When you're at your next barbecue and someone asks. "Hamburger or hot dog?" Say both.
Kevin: And then when they actually give you a hamburger and a hot dog, scream at them that they don't understand by Ham Dogger.
announcer: With the fun new Ham Dogger.
Mike B.: Oh. I hate when they put fun in everything. Food is delicious or it's not. Who eats stuff and goes whee! Ooh, this is fun! How's your chicken? Ooh, it's so much fun. Hey, how's that steak, there? My steak, it tickle me.
announcer: Trash lids, animal can remove them. Storms blow them away. Sometimes, they just vanish.
Brendon: Missing garbage can lids? This looks like a job for the toupee detective.
announcer: Say goodbye to that garbage mess from bad lids, broken lids, lost lids. Now there's Last Lid, the flexible replacement garbage can lid. Last Lid, the last lid you'll ever need, guaranteed. 
Chris: Wait a minute, a smell-absorbing cloth lid for my garbage? Why didn't I think of that? 
announcer: To attach, place last lid over the top of your can and over the handles. Then just cinch the Velcro fastener. Use included zip ties to keep it with your can.
Kevin: Finally, something that makes taking out the garbage into a bigger deal.
Mike O.: With the Last Lid your garbage man will be saying, (bleep) this. Let's move on to the next house. I can't get this (bleep) open.
announcer: Ever try to buy just a replacement lid? Instead, you're stuck with the expense of trouble of a whole new can. With Last Lid, there's no more hosing or scrubbing.
Mike T.: I don't ask much from my wife. All I ask is that when I come home, the trash can lids be freshly cleaned with hot soapy water.
man: I really like Last Lid, 'cause it's easy to remove. It keeps the trash in and the animals out.
Jared: By the way, all garbage men talk like this.
announcer: Put a lid on your garbage problems with Last Lid. Animal-proof, weatherproof, spill-proof, protection for life.
man: It's the last lid you'll ever need.
announcer: Guaranteed.
Mike O.: Having these in your driveway is like yelling to your neighbors, "I buy things off TV. I can't help it."
announcer: Order now to get Last Lid plus a second Last Lid and ten zip ties all for just $10.99.
Rachel: If this is really the Last Lid, what's the second one for? 
narrator: Inventions that nobody asked for. Introducing the Oreo Shooter.
man: Today we want to try to separate Oreos. So I made this special launcher just for the purpose. It's actually a pump-action Oreo shooter. We gonna shoot an Oreo into ballistic gelatin. I split it somehow, just not in the middle.(chuckling) Now this is a manly way to separate an Oreo. (chuckling) 
announcer: Oh no, all your hard work in the garden is ruined. Some pesky critter has pilfered your produce. There has to be a better way. Introducing the Watch Owl, the best way to keep nature's pests at bay. The Watch Owl is a revolution in all-natural pest control. 
Mike T.: Robots, the all-natural solution.
announcer: The secret is Watch Owl's built-in motion sensor that detects even the slightest movement, setting the head in motion while initiating a life-like sound. 
Chris: The secret is Watch Owl's sonic laser eyes which will disintegrate the flesh of any animal in seconds. 
announcer: It works because the predatory prominence of the mighty owl strikes mortal fear into the hearts of pests, making them hightail it for the hills.
Kevin: But what if my garden is being ransacked by owls?
Mike T.: Do you have something that'll make all those animals come over to my house for a picnic? If so add to cart.
announcer: We guarantee it will work effectively to keep pests away or your money back. But wait. Order now you can get a second Watch Owl. That's right, a second Watch Owl.
Mike O.: So they'll just be detecting each other with their motion sensors perpetually making noise all night long.
(hooting)
announcer: Watch Owl, just $19.99. Call now for this amazing TV-only offer.
narrator: Inventors know adults like to drink on the go. And they need a place to hold that liquor. Whether it's on the head...
(slurping)
narrator: The belt... Or hidden under the shirt. Which brings us to number 14.
Lush: Hello, class. Dr. Lush here. Have I got a product for you. Papa Bert's Sippin' Seat can hold up to three cups of liquid and up to 300 pounds of ass, all under a comfortable and durable pad.
Brendon: Because what's more refreshing than a gin and tonic that big fat Gus has been sitting on for six hours?
Lush: I hear that your hot girlfriend is finally coming to one of your games. Well, use a Papa Bert's Sippin' Seat and drink while you think about how you'll convince her that you're still her number one jock.
Rachel: I don't know who Papa Bert is, but now it's clear why Mama Bert took off.
Lush: I know that some of you have been warming the bench a little longer than coach promised. And your little egos and tushies are sore.
commentator: Oh, oh.
Jared: Excuse me, is this Comparative Religion 202? I feel like I'm in the wrong room.
Lush: So whether you're a crappy kicker or a terrible tackler, you won't mind missing another second of the action.
Mike B.: Well, that's why you're not getting in the game. It's not your skill set. It's you smell like liquor.
(school bell ringing)
Lush: Well... there's the bell, class. Till next time, have fun, be safe... and drink up.
Ted: Oh my God, I had no idea she was gonna be hot.
announcer: Sippin' Seat, order yours today.
narrator: Coming up... For their eyes only.
man: Stop!
narrator: And you don't have to be a hothead anymore.
announcer: Chillow keeps your head cool and dry.
narrator: Later, that number one smartest invention you have to see to believe. When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
narrator: For every inch of the female anatomy, there's an invention designed to give nature a boost. From the lips...
announcer: Fuller, sexier, more kissable lips in seconds.
narrator: To the backside...
announcer: Cover that embarrassing butt crack with Backtacular.
narrator: And the front side.
woman: The original Cuchini. You can say no to the dreaded camel toe.
narrator: Now we introduce Bust Up Cups.
announcer: Have you ever felt self-conscious about your figure when you wear a low-cut tight fitting tops because you don't fill them out? Do you wanna look and feel sexier in your clothes without uncomfortable pushup bras and inserts that don't stay put? Maybe you've even consider breast augmentation?
Mike T.: What are those, A cups? (mocking retching)
announcer: Having fuller, firmer looking breasts or lifting a sagging bustline has never been easier to achieve. The secret is Bust Up Cups by Kymaro. Simply place the Bust Up Cups into your bra or swimsuit and watch the instant transformation.
Jared: Ah, so you guys invented falsies.
announcer: Bust Up Cups can be worn inside any bra. Wear them with all of your clothes from t-shirts and tank tops to strapless gowns and button-down blouses.
Mike O.: Bust Up Cups turn your useless yam tits into works of porn-- art. Works of porn-- art. God, I can't stop doing, ha !
announcer: And because they're reusable, they're great for everyday. Wear them for special events like parties, nightclubs or anywhere you want to make a statement and feel more confident.
Brendon: Wear them to parties, nightclubs, anywhere it's inappropriate to be flat-chested. 
woman: This is so incredible. I went from a 34A to a 34B. An entire cup size in like less than two minutes.
Rachel: Sure, Greg, you can feel me up. Just let me get these rubbery lie sacks out of the way so you can get to my disappointing tits.
announcer: Call now and for the limited time you can get Kymaro's Bust Up Cups for the unbelievably low price of only 19.95,
man: 19.95 for brand-new tits? Hey, Susan, I just saved our marriage!
announcer: Millions of people suffer from back pain. Now you can get some relief with the Cushy Comfort, the toilet seat cover that provides the lower back support you need.
Nate: Lower back support? I'm crapping, not helping my friends move.
announcer: You can't choose the length of your visit, so why not be comfortable?
Judy: 2:00 already?
announcer: The Cushy Comfort allows you to have comfort in a place you've never had it before.
Mike T.: Where's that, dinner with my parents?
announce: For those in the family that don't need the extra support, the cushion is specially designed to rest on top of the toilet.
Chris: And if you really want to conceal the cushion, flip it over the lid, open the tank and submerge it. No one will ever see it.
announcer: Let's check in on the inventor, Chris Baker, as he takes a cushy comfort on the road.
Baker: We've always thought about the cushions for the seat part. Nobody ever thought about the back.
Sean: No, we thought of it. We just didn't waste time on it.
woman: We've all heard that the Cardinals have sold out this year, tell me a little bit about this, this is great.
Baker: These are samples that we had made...
woman: Uh-huh.
Baker: 'Cause we figure once we get going we get going we'd like to produce these for the NFL, NBA, NHL, everybody.
Rachel: An attorney for the NFL called and he asked that you never mention them again.
announcer: So why wait? Order your Cushy Comfort today.
commentator: Roboventions.
narrator: Machines work so you don't have to. The pancake-making robot. The rock, paper, scissors robot.
robot: You win. I win.
narrator: And the robot rickshaw. 
(robot talking)
narrator: Thanks, robots.
man: You know that black hole inside your car? Shoulda had a Drop Stop! 
man: That bottomless pit? Bermuda Triangle? Shoulda had a Drop Stop! 
Sean: No, not the fries!
man: Now you can stop the drop with Drop Stop. Watch this. Money down the drain. Makeup, jewelry, cell phone. But with Drop Stop, you'll be saving cash in a flash.
Kevin: The money doesn't disappear. It's under the seat. How quickly do you give up on things?
man: We came up with the idea of Drop Stop after my phone fell. I took my eyes off the road, nearly hit a pedestrian and almost smashed into a pole.
Jared: Yeah, Mark, I'm not gonna buy something because you're a terrible driver.
Mike T.: Now with Drop Stop, I can text, email, do whatever I want. Thanks, Drop Stop.
man: Drop Stop may look too wide but it's squishy inside, which means one size fits all.
Daisy: It may look too wide but its squishy inside. Who hasn't had to tell that to a lady, am i right?
man: And since the gap is always a dark shadow...
Jared: What a creepy thing to say. The gap is always a dark shadow, isn't it, boys?
man: Stop taking chances. Call right now to put an end to this problem once and for all with Drop Stop!
Jared: I'm Jared Logan, and I'm not just serious about hunting safety, I'm serious about toilet safety. That's why I'm taking over the following invention.
narrator: Jared Logan, take over. Rutt Wipe, hunter-safe orange toilet paper.
woman: Man, we haven't seen a deer all day.
man: Hey, look over there. Behind that bush. Is that a deer?
woman: I think so. I'm gonna shoot to find out.
Jared: I don't think any invention is gonna help you against a woman who shoots things to find out what they are.
woman: I'm gonna shoot and find out.
(gunshot)
man: Hey, I'm not a deer, you moron.
woman: Oh, man, I'm sorry, you look just like a deer butt.
man: What are you, an idiot? Look what you're did.
Jared: Look what you've done to my expensive roll of toilet paper. Where will I ever get a new one?
man: Hey, man, you should be using that white toilet paper like that in this woods.
Jared: If you can't tell the difference between toilet paper and a deer, you should not be allowed to have a gun.
woman: You gotta use this stuff. It's Rutt Wipe. It's blaze orange toilet paper so you don't get shot with your pants down.
Jared: I use Rutt Wipe for a little while and it kinda creates a condition that I refer to as pumpkin butt.
man: Here, have one on us. Don't get shot with your pants down next time.
Jared: Wow, thanks for the advice, but I'm kind of, uh, in an uncomfortable position right now so...
man: Holy cow, is that a deer? That deer has the right idea. Protect your assets with Rutt Wipe.
Jared: Rutt Wipe, if you absolutely, positively must do number two in a high gunfire area.
narrator: Now back to the countdown.
announcer: Are you tired of those hot, sticky sleepless nights? 
man: Am I tired of hot, sticky sleepless nights? The answer is 100 percent no.
announcer: Introducing Chillow, the amazing new pillow pack that transforms your pillow into a Chillow. Look, pillows trap body heat, increasing perspiration.
Brendon: Whoa, America's head sweat problem is way worse than I thought.
announcer: Are you fed up with flipping your pillow looking for relief? Some nights you feel like you're on fire.
Jared: That's because your head is literally on fire. Quick, put it out!
announcer: The secret is soothe soft technology, the water-cooled memory foam that keeps you cool for hours.
Daisy: Another smart invention that's a big help with this: air conditioners.
announcer: Watch-- these thermographic images show significantly lower blue Chillow temperatures, but the down pillow is many degrees warmer.
Sean: Just because you put numbers on the screen doesn't make 'em scientific. I could do that, look, eight, 16, 23, 42...
man: Every night I used to wake up in a puddle of sweat. Chillow really helps spread that coolness around so now I feel comfortable.
Rachel: Finally, a way that Demetrius V. can avoid one of the many warning signs that he's morbidly obese
announcer: Now order the amazing Chillow for the special TV price of just $12.99. But wait.
Jaime: I'm tired of but waiting.
announcer: Call in the next ten minutes and we'll send you a second Chillow, free.
Mike O.: Whoa, two Chillows? What do they want me to freeze the death?
announcer: You get it all. Two Chillows for just $12.99, so call now.
Gilbert: And if you die in your sleep, your corpse will be preserved till morning.
narrator: Coming up... when nature calls, don't put it on hold.
announcer: Introducing the Gota'Go, the freedom to go anytime, anywhere.
narrator: Plus...
announcer: The amazing new beauty treatment that's designed to smooth away chest wrinkles.
narrator: And... four out of five yetis recommend...
yeti: Sq-Sq-Squeezy Fr-Fre-Freezy.
narrator: When "Worlds Smartest Inventions" continues. 
Rachel: I'm Rachel Feinstein and this is what we've learned so far. Horny alcoholics will buy anything.
Lush: Anybody up for a little one-on-one?
Rachel: Being passive aggressive at work has never been easier.
announcer: Introducing CubeGuard, the smart new office tool designed to prevent unwanted interruptions and improve productivity.
Rachel: Land in Scotland is worthless.
announcer: Register and own a one square foot plot of land at the Dunans Estate in Argyll, Scotland 
Rachel: And women are liars.
announcer: Having fuller, firmer looking breasts are lifting a sagging bustline has never been easier to achieve
Rachel: I'm Rachel Feinstein and that's what we've learned so far.
narrator: Made in Japan, offered to the world. Products we never even knew we needed. Like the shoe umbrella.
commentator: Ah, see it's perfect to keep your toe dry.
narrator: The hay fever hat. 
(sneezing)
narrator: The Pocket Tie.
announcer: It holds everything. From your calculators to your personal grooming tools. 
narrator: And the Pet Duster.
commentator: Oh, it's cute, oh. (man laughing)
narrator: Japan's latest export is the Doughnut To-Go.
announcer: Everyone loves doughnuts, but carrying them can be messy and using a bag can leave your doughnuts smashed. Introducing Doughnut To-Go, the compact doughnut carrying case.
Kevin: Yeah, much like the case you get when you buy a few doughnuts.
announcer: Doughnut To-Go has a center hole keeping your doughnut securely in place.
Mike O.: Doughnut To-Go is good for any donut except the Boston cream, a jelly doughnut, a bear claw, a cruller...
announcer: Doughnut To-Go isn't just for transporting of doughnuts. It's also designed to keep them safe from others.
Ted: If a doughnut is your most valuable possession, this is only one of many bad decisions.
announcer: Watch Doughnut To-Go in action. With a patented security hole, the office thief can't snatch your doughnut.
Jared: You better believe, I'm breaking that crap open and eating that doughnut. On principle!
announcer: Ah, sweet revenge.
Nate: Oh my god, he's gonna propose!
(man humming)
Jaime: Boy, the Japanese take their doughnuts really seriously.
announcer: With a passive ventilation system, it's also microwave safe.
commentator: Oh.
Gilbert: Hey, that microwave doughnut looks... disgusting.
announcer: Keep your doughnut safe and secure. Order the Doughnut To-Go for only 9.99.
Mike T.: Whoever invented this has zero understanding of doughnut culture. You don't get a doughnut to have at some unknown point down the road. You eat the doughnut in the parking lot of the place that sells the doughnuts, while you're crying.
Megan: Hi, Megan Gunning here for Smooth Secret, the amazing new beauty treatment that's designed to smooth away chest wrinkles while you sleep.
Ted: I actually love how the sides of my girlfriend's breasts crinkle up when she smiles.
Megan: The secret to smooth Secret's instant success is a unique medical grade silicone pad that you simply put on before going to bed and remove in the morning.
Kevin: You can put this over your chest at night to tell your husband back off, without ever having to talk to him.
woman: Your skin is softer, tighter. I am in shock about how great this product really is.
Brendon: Hey, wanna know the secret behind the Smooth Secret? It doesn't do (bleep)
Megan: Call now and get the reusable Smooth Secret and remove your chest wrinkles overnight for just 19.99. As a bonus you'll also receive our reusable facial pads.
Jared: I think the facial pads may have smoothed out her cerebral cortex.
Megan: Now you can finally have a younger, smoother looking chest with Smooth Secret.
Mike T.: Can you buy them used? My friend wants to know.
man: Did you ask yet?
Mike T.: I literally just did.
man: Yeah!
Mike T.: What are you gonna do?
Megan: So call or go online now.
announcer: This is regular pepper spray. And this is Inferno Pepper Spray!
man: This is a lot of power. This is a very potent tool. Get it, you'll never regret it. Stop!
group: Ah!
man: It's got a lot of range, a lot of power. And the main thing that I love about this, is the enormous bite. This is a view you'll never wanna see.
announcer: Oops, uh-oh, look out. Let's face it, kids spill stuff. But now parents can relax whenever kids snack. Introducing the Gyro Bowl. The world's first ever snack bowl that spins and spins and stuff stays in. So the Gyro Bowl keeps all your snacks inside however you bounce, swing or fly.
Kevin: Billy, not all activities are eating activities. Stop eating for one minute.
announcer: And when mom drives to the store, Gyro Bowl keeps the snacks off the floor. 
Judy: Hey, Bobby, let's see if that Gyro Bowl really works.
(tires screeching)
Judy: Wow!
announcer: Gyro Bowl makes every snack more fun without making a mess.
boy: The magic is in the middle. The Gyro Bowl works just like a globe.
Mike O.: This is as much of a globe as you have a chance of making it as an actor.
girl: Look, it's not even spilling pudding on my mom's favorite cashmere sweater.
Jared: That's not pudding!
announcer: Call today to get the Gyro bowl with the stay-fresh lid for just $14.99. Call now and you'll get a second Gyro Bowl and lid absolutely free.
Mike O.: But it's a Gyro Bowl. Why would you ever need a lid?
announcer: Kids and moms everywhere love the Gyro Bowl.
Jaime: Dads have no opinion of it.
announcer: You will too, guaranteed.
announcer: Every man has been there, but there isn't a bathroom in sight, and going outside isn't an option. Introducing the Gota'Go, a concealed personal care device that gives you the freedom to go anytime, anywhere.
Jaime: All the fun of a colostomy bag without the scary name.
announcer: The Gota'Go allows waste to travel through a tube into a medically sealed bag.
Mike T.: Why should Grandpa have all the fun?
announcer: Made for men on the move, the Gota'Go is both discreet and durable.
Daisy: And sad, very, very sad.
announcer: Whether you're at the game...
commentator: Unh-unh.
Nate: Nah, I don't want to miss this field goal.
announcer: Or hunting big game.
Bryan: Don't pee on a tree or behind a bush. Pee in your own pants like a civilized gentleman.
announcer: Perfect if you're a trucker on a long haul or stuck in a long meeting.
Brendon: No, Johnson, you sit there and hold it until I'm finished with my PowerPoint presentation.
announcer: Also great for Homeland Security, SWAT teams and police officers.
Jared: This is Tango-Bravo-Charlie. Hold on, I just have to urinate. Okay, bring in POTUS.
announcer: So when you gotta go, you Gota'Go, order now.
Mike O.: You can have one of these or life and relationships with people. You can't have both.
narrator: Coming up... Sit and spin.
man: This fork is a special design to wind up the spaghetti.
narrator: Plus, this invention's on a roll. And later, what invention has our cast reacting like this.
Mike B.: Really?
Brad: This is a bad idea.
Chris: Oh yeah, that seems safe.
narrator: It's the number one smartest invention.
(mimicking explosion) 
narrator: Stay tuned to find out what it is.
announcer: What can you freeze then squeeze for slushies that please...
kids: Squeezy Freezy!
announcer: From the makers of Slushy Magic, it's Squeezy Freezy.
Jared: Whoa, this is from the creators of Slushy Magic? Okay, you have my interest, go.
kids: Squeezy Freezy!
announcers: The coolest new slushy maker that will have your whole family's taste buds chilling.
boy: What's so cool?
announcer: The yeti will show you.
yeti: Freeze this. Sq-Sq-Squeezy, Fr-Fr-Freezy!
announcer: Now that's yummy!
Kevin: Hey, you know what doesn't make me wanna buy a product? An endorsement from a yeti.
Rachel: The spokesperson is mythical but the diabetes is very real.
announcer: The secret's in the squishy polar chambers. They freeze below zero degrees so when you squeeze your drink, it turns into a slushy frozen treat.
Chris: Below zero degrees? Yeah, right. Ah, ah, ahh! Ahh!
announcer: You can even mix and match flavors to Squeezy Freeze slushy treats that can't be beat.
Judy: Jimmy! Do me a favor and Squeezy Freezy Mommy's gin while I take a little nap.
yeti: Now that's slush-a-licious!
announcer: They come in four different polar cups. Everything for 19.99, plus 8.99 processing and handling.
Brendon: So basically, it's a $30 cup.
announcer: And so you can share the Arctic fun with everyone, we'll double your entire Squeezy Freezy offer, free with your paid order.
yeti: Yetis not included.
Mike O.: Diane, the kids are outside in the snow drinking slush and there's a yeti in the kitchen. What the hell's going on?!
announcer: A simple concept, a natural solution. Lindo Twist-N-Roll Tweezers will help you remove the unwanted facial hair in two easy steps.
Nate: Are you a manly broad that likes excruciating pain? Well, I've got an idea for you.
announcer: First bend the Twist-N-Roll Tweezers into an upside-down U-shape, and place the coil against your skin. Now slowly turn the handles outward so that your thumbs come closer together.
Kevin: Apparently, this works best if the hair you're trying to remove is invisible.
announcer: With a simple twist and roll action, hair is gently removed from the root, leading to smoother skin and long-lasting results.
Judy: Ow! I mean, oh, I don't have any hair.
Ted: I gave our baby her first haircut with it.
announcer: Twist-N-Roll Tweezers remove unwanted hair from the root, without the use of chemicals, so the results will last much longer, and the hair removal process is more natural.
Daisy: Because there's nothing more natural than rolling a tiny slinky all over your face.
announcer: You can use the Twist-N-Roll Tweezers over makeup. And you don't even need a mirror. You can even use Twist-N-Roll Tweezers while watching TV.
Mike T.: While your husband looks on in horror.
Chris: Now available for men. Ahh!
narrator: And now a pointed history lesson on the fork. The fork was first used in ancient Egypt for cooking.
commentator: Mmm.
narrator: Nobles in the Byzantine empire introduced the dining fork.
commentator: Ew...
narrator: With limited success.
commentator: Use your hands!
narrator: Eventually, forks became more accepted at mealtime.
commentator: Use a fork.
narrator: But the modern fork has largely remained unchanged. Until now.
Bob: Hello, my name is Bob Balow. I'm the inventor of the original Pasta Fork. Tonight, we're gonna demonstrate how to use the fork.
Mike O.: Correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't the original pasta fork be a... the fork?
Bob: Hopefully, you'll have a great time using it with friends, family and kids.
Gilbert: Whoa, Bob, dial back the personality a little bit.
Bob: This fork is a special design to wind up the spaghetti. Make it easy and fun to eat the pasta.
Ted: Unfortunately, nobody ever sees it. Because Bob always eats alone.
Bob: Takes a little practice and eventually you'll start eating your pasta a little bit too fast.
Jared: Wow, an oversized fork that I bring to restaurants with me and it takes practice? I'm on board.
Bob: So the way you wanna start is have your hand at the top. Hold it loosely and get a little spaghetti on the side of the plate and slide your hand down. Go back up and wind it up and there you go.
Chris: See how those noodles wrap around that fork? That's what I wanna do with my arms around Bob, 'cause he needs a hug.
Bob: Bon Appetit.
Kevin: I'm Kevin McCaffrey and this is a towel with holes in it.
announcer: With the Tippy Toes Towel, simply place your toes in the five slits of the towel, and slide it from end to end while drying the rest of your foot. Drying between your toes has never been easier. Order your Tippy Toes Towel now.
Kevin: See. I told you. This is just a towel. With holes in it.
announcer: You squeeze, you roll, you press, now your bathroom looks a mess. And why is it impossible to get out the last drop of toothpaste?
Gilbert: Ahh! Operating a toothpaste tube is impossible!
Kevin: The problem here isn't the toothpaste, it's your complete lack of motor skills. Just put it on the brush.
announcer: Introducing Touch N Brush, the hands-free toothpaste dispenser that works with just a touch. Press on the airtight suction cups. Insert your favorite toothpaste. Then pop on the cover. There's no electric or batteries to replace. It's that easy.
Brad: Have you been looking for a large wall-mounted mechanical way to get toothpaste? Well, have I got a product for you.
announcer: Touch N Brush neatly dispenses the perfect amount of toothpaste in just one second every time.
Ted: It's a great way to help spread the flu to your entire family.
announcer: Tired of the kids leaving behind a morning mess? No problem, because now it's easy and cool to brush before school.
Sean: Guess what I did before school today? Brush my teeth. (laughing) Oh, yeah, I'm the man.
announcer: Similar products sell for over $70.
Mike T.: 76.31, that's a very specific price for what is clearly a made-up competitor.
announcer: But you can get Touch N Brush today for the amazing low price of just 19.99. Together, that's a $90 value.
Mike O.: If you can't be trusted with a tube of toothpaste, you don't deserve to have teeth.
narrator: And now, your final clue to the number one smartest invention.
woman: World's Smartest Invention hotline. This is Candy, wanna chat?
Mike T.: Yeah, I want you tell about the number one smartest invention.
woman: Ooh, it's big, strong and rubbery.
Mike T.: Oh, yeah.
woman: It only works if you put four people inside of it.
Mike T.: Ooh, a group thing, yeah. Tell me what it does.
woman: It throws you and your friends back and forth. 
Mike T.: Ooh, yeah...
woman: Until one of you goes down.
Mike T.: Oh, man, I'm gonna freakin' explode! With anticipation-- I really like inventions.
woman: Yeah, you sound like it.
Mike T.: Side note, do you have an invention to make this not appear on my bill? I have a wife.
woman: No, you don't.
narrator: The number one smartest invention is next.
narrator: We'll get to the number one smartest invention in just a second, but first, it's time to pay tribute to those who truly make these smart inventions come to life: the actors. The ones who brought us pain...
commentator: Ow!
commentator: Ow!
commentator: Oh!
narrator: Fear.
(screaming)
narrator: Agitation. Discomfort.
(groaning)
narrator: Groping.
(moaning)
narrator: Water in the ear. Exaggerated enjoyment. Unusual drinking habits.
(slurping)
narrator: Incompetence.
woman: Oh, no.
narrator: Constipation.
(groaning)
narrator: Boobs. And whatever this is. 
commentator: Ahh!
narrator: We salute you. The actors who made these inventions so amazing. And now, that number one smartest invention.
announcer: This is a slingshot. This is a human. 
(slurping)
announcer: And this is the human slingshot.
Brad: This is a bad idea.
announcer: The outdoor game has you and your friends flinging one another around in a giant stretchable band. You use your momentum to launch your friends across the band, and when they reach the other side, it's your turn.
Ted: I want to do that. I have plenty of time to do that.
announcer: Once you get the hang of it, you'll find it's incredibly simple and incredibly fun.
Mike T.: You know I've been saying I wanna chip my tooth running into one of your faces? Well, now we have a thing to do that with!
announcer: The action continues until...
man: Whoa!
announcer: Then they dust themselves off and the fun continues.
Chris: Here comes the warning about having to wear helmets.
announcer: Of course, the Human Slingshot is a blast on its own.
Chris: Really, no warning?
announcer: But for an extra challenge, try adding a ball to the mix.
Brendon: Or you can spice it up with some vegetable oil and no pants.
announcer: The Human Slingshot is made from a durable polyester spandex blend, so even though we don't recommend it, the Slingshot can withstand the force of this, uh... bobsled team.
Mike O.: Have you guys ever seen a bobsled? 
announcer: Buy the adrenaline-pumping Human Slingshot now.
Kevin: I think with this game, the last one standing is just the person who has nowhere else to be.
(hooting)