As Thin as a Pipe Cleaner

As Thin as a Pipe Cleaner is the sixteenth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the sixth episode of the second season. It was written by thatjess and released on April 8, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom Olive Garden. Cut to the inside where Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are sitting together in fancy outfits.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is the Olive Garden. It looks like Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are on a date!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) You know, Daddy Pig, I wasn’t sure about this American food-
Daddy Pig: -actually it’s Italian.
Mummy Sheep: Whatever. My point is, this place is nice.
Daddy Pig: I hear it’s like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype! (whispers to himself) I hope SpongeBob doesn’t find out I’m using his credit card.
Mummy Sheep: What was that?
[Miss Rabbit, in a waitress uniform, approaches the two with their food.]
Miss Rabbit: I’ve got an order of the lasagna bundle, fried mozzarella, the never-ending pasta bowl… and our jumbo house salad.
Daddy Pig: Eh? What? I don’t remember ordering any salad.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like salad.
Miss Rabbit: Oh, the chef said to put it on the house. You know, with your big weight and all.
Daddy Pig: Excuse me! Are you saying I’m… fat?
Miss Rabbit: Well I mean… to be completely honest sir, you could lose a few pounds.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a fat bastard.
Daddy Pig: Did you hear that Mummy Sheep?! This poxy waitress here thinks I’m fat!
Mummy Sheep: Well, you are a bit fat…
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!! I AM AS THIN AS A BREADSTICK!
Miss Rabbit: Oh! And I almost forgot, here are your jumbo breadsticks!
[Miss Rabbit throws some massive breadsticks down on the table. Daddy Pig stands up and flips the table over.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: RIGHT THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! I AM NOT FAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! AND FUCK THE OLIVE GARDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Daddy Pig storms out of the restaurant.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is a bit grumpy.
[Daddy Pig walks back in the restaurant, grabs some of the breadsticks and leaves again.]
…
Miss Rabbit: So will you be paying with cash or credit?
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Cut to the inside where Daddy Pig is talking to SpongeBob on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: -and then those fucking wankers banned me from the Olive Garden! I didn’t even know the Olive Garden was a real thing until today! I just thought it was a made-up thing from that Sonic the Hedgehog movie!
SpongeBob: Good movie.
Daddy Pig: I know! I am as thin as a pipe cleaner! …you don’t think I’m fat, do you SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Um…
Daddy Pig: Do you?
SpongeBob: Of course not!
Daddy Pig: THANK YOU! Finally someone agrees with me. My tummy is pure muscle!
SpongeBob: You’re just… plus-sized, that’s all. Nothing wrong with that.
Daddy Pig: NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT?! NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT?! I’ve been bullied and fat-shamed my whole life for my body! By my soon-to-be ex-wife, by my kids… and now by my new girlfriend Mummy Sheep! You know what-
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I will stand for this no longer!
SpongeBob: You’re standing right now.
Daddy Pig: Shut up. From this day forth, Daddy Pig will no longer be bullied for being a little round in the tummy! I am going to do something I have never done before! Daddy pig is going to… (closeup of his face) exercise.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh, that’s easy! I exercise all the time! You can use my own personal gym if you want.
Daddy Pig: You have your own personal gym?
SpongeBob: Well it’s not much. I also have my own personal library. 
Daddy Pig: How do you pay for all this stuff?
SpongeBob: I mean I know Mr. Krabs only gives me dimes, but being the mascot of Nickelodeon is a full-time job.
Daddy Pig: Touche. 
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig entering SpongeBob’s garage.]
SpongeBob: -you see I still don’t have my boating licence yet or anything… so I just keep all my workout stuff in here!
[The camera pans across SpongeBob’s gym, which includes yoga mats, barbells with stuffed animals on the ends, and posters of hot male models.]
Daddy Pig: Um… this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob is a bit of a sissy.
SpongeBob: Oh, come on Daddy Pig! My gym can’t be that bad!
[SpongeBob attempts to pick up one of his stuffed animal barbells.]
SpongeBob: (struggling) See? You can really feel the- (drops the barbell) burn.
Daddy Pig: Hmm… I think maybe you could use a trip to the gym too.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I… I guess I’m not really that in-shape myself. Luckily I know just where to go!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig entering Larry the Lobster’s gym. Larry is behind the reception desk.]
Larry: Ah! SpongeBob! My… most mid customer. And uh… (whispering) who’s the fat guy?
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!!!
Larry: Okay, okay! Calm down, big guy!
Daddy Pig: BIG GUY?! BIG GUY?!!!!!!!!!
Larry: Hey buddy, this is the gym. Anger management is next door.
SpongeBob: Heh. Don’t listen to him, Daddy Pig. Listen Larry, Daddy Pig and I would like to sign up for a gym membership!
Daddy Pig: (embarrassed) I would like to, um… get into shape.
Larry: Well, I can see that. I’ve never seen someone as big as you! Welp, today’s as good a day as any to work out! Especially under the presidency of our one true leader, Donald J. Trump!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Um… Larry? Biden’s our current president.
Larry: Wrong. That’s just what those liberals want you to think. But luckily us true Trumpers know the truth!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: So um… can we get the gym membership or not?
Larry: Oh, don’t worry about it! Since your friend is… well… severely the opposite of underweight, I’ll let you get in on the house!
SpongeBob: Really? Thanks, Larry!
Larry: Don’t mention it!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walk into the actual gym.]
Larry: And don’t forget to VOTE FOR TRUMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy Pig: Wow. There’s… so many fit people!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig feels a bit out of place.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry about it! We’ll get you into shape in no time!
Daddy Pig: It’s just that… I’ve never been to the gym before! I don’t even know where to start!
SpongeBob: Well…
[SpongeBob’s eyes look around the gym searching for what piece of equipment to use. He notices an empty weight bench.]
SpongeBob: Aha! We could always try the weight benches first!
Daddy Pig: Yes! The weight benches! I mean I am a bit of an expert at lifting weights.
…
SpongeBob: Have you ever lifted weights before?
…
Daddy Pig: No.
[The two walk over to the weight benches.]
Daddy Pig: So um… how exactly does this work, again?
SpongeBob: You just lie down on the bench… and lift weights!
Daddy Pig: Alright.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Go on then. Sit down on the bench!
Daddy Pig: Okay!
[Daddy Pig sits down on the bench and it fucking collapses.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is so fat that he broke the weight bench!
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Patrick approaches the two.]
Patrick: It’s okay, buddy. Happened to me on my first time too.
SpongeBob: Patrick? I didn’t know you came to the gym.
Patrick: Who’s Jim?
[Pause.]
Patrick: Ohhhhh! You mean THE gym! Nah, I just come here for the showers. I don’t have running water back at my place, it’s just sand. Have you ever tried taking a shower and all that comes out is sand? Would not recommend it.
SpongeBob: Well, you’re always welcome to use my shower anytime you need!
Patrick: Nah, I’m good. Now that I have cleansed myself, I am going to go home and bathe in my own feces. Oh yeah, rub those brown turds all over my body!
[Pause.]
Patrick: Anyway, bye SpongeBob! Bye Father Ham!
[Patrick walks off.]
SpongeBob: (to Daddy Pig) …so you wanna try something else?
Daddy Pig: Good idea.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walking over to the treadmills.]
SpongeBob: Ah! What about the treadmills, Daddy Pig? They seem good.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I’m not sure. This might be hard to believe, but I’m not exactly an expert at running.
SpongeBob: What?! But you’re Daddy Pig! You’re supposed to be an expert at everything!
[The camera pans over to Zoltan’s Mum on one of the treadmills.]
Zoltan: Mum, what are you doing on the treadmill?!
Zoltan’s Mum: Just having a little jog, Zoltan. This physique won’t maintain itself y’know.
Zoltan: Mum, this is literally the first time I have ever seen you on the treadmill!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well I went on once with Scatman John for a video, Zoltan. But I fell off… so I’m being extra careful today.
Zoltan: You’re being extra careful, mum, making sure you don’t fall off?
Zoltan’s Mum: Safety first, Zoltan.
Zoltan: Well, mum, it would be a shame if you got… (pulls out a TV remote) PAUSED.
Zoltan’s Mum: NO ZOLTAN, NO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Zoltan: PAUSE!
[Zoltan’s Mum stops jogging and falls off the fucking treadmill.]
Zoltan’s Mum: NOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Daddy Pig: …maybe we shouldn’t try this.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you’re probably right.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig over by the punching bags.]
SpongeBob: Here we go! These punching bags shouldn’t be that hard, right?
Daddy Pig: …isn’t the entire point of a punching bag to be hard?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Whatever. Let’s just try punching.
Daddy Pig: Sure.
[Daddy Pig stares intently at the punching bag.]
Daddy Pig: So um… what exactly am I supposed to do?
Larry: It’s simple! You just get your fists at the ready… and punch the bag! I like to think of something I really hate, rile myself up, and then take my anger out on the bag. LIKE THOSE LIBERALS WHO VOTED AGAINST TRUMP!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
[Larry the Lobster starts punching the shit out of the punching bag.]
Daddy Pig: Huh. Seems easy enough.
Larry: So, what do you hate Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Hmm…
[Flashback to earlier…]
Daddy Pig: Eh? What? I don’t remember ordering any salad.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like salad.
Miss Rabbit: Oh, the chef said to put it on the house. You know, with your big weight and all.
Daddy Pig: Excuse me! Are you saying I’m… fat?
Miss Rabbit: Well I mean… to be completely honest sir, you could lose a few pounds.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a fat bastard.
Daddy Pig: Did you hear that Mummy Sheep?! This poxy waitress here thinks I’m fat!
Mummy Sheep: Well, you are a bit fat…
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!! I AM AS THIN AS A BREADSTICK!
Miss Rabbit: Oh! And I almost forgot, here are your jumbo breadsticks!
[Miss Rabbit throws some massive breadsticks down on the table. Daddy Pig stands up and flips the table over.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: RIGHT THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! I AM NOT FAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! AND FUCK THE OLIVE GARDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut back to the present. Daddy Pig is viciously punching the punching bag.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh my Neptune! Daddy Pig is doing it!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is actually doing some exercise! 
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!
Larry: I can’t believe it! He’s actually doing it!
Daddy Pig: TAKE THIS YOU STUPID FAT-SHAMERS!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[Cut to Daddy Pig in hospital.]
Daddy Pig: Ugh… what happened?
Dr. Brown Bear: You had a heart attack, Mr. Pig.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Too much sudden exercise, I suspect.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig’s body isn’t used to him doing so much exercise, that he gave himself a heart attack!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Not gonna lie, it was a close one Mr. Pig. More strain on the body like that, and you could be gone for good!
Mummy Sheep: Aw… I’m sorry for calling you fat, Daddy Pig. I promise that I won’t ever make you exercise again!
Daddy Pig: It’s okay, Mummy Sheep… But I guess a little exercise could be healthy, right?
SpongeBob: Yeah… your tummy’s still a bit big.
Daddy Pig: MY TUMMY IS NOT BIG!
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in fits of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob loves fat-shaming Daddy Pig! Everyone loves fat-shaming Daddy Pig!
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