Episode 209: The Best of Muppets Tonight/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Rizzo is sleeping in the darkened control room.
Rizzo	Ma, ma, do not go for the cage, mom. It's a trap, no one leaves cheese hanging around an attic. Ma, ma. Ma! Maaaa!
 	Rizzo falls off the control panel, waking from his nightmare and screaming. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo	Rizzo, Rizzo. Hey, take it easy. You're just having a bad dream.
Rizzo	Oh, Gonzo. Wait a second, Gonzo. What are you doing around here? I thought Clifford gave everybody the week off.
Gonzo	Oh, he did. I just came in to pick up my nasal floss.
Rizzo	Of course you did.
Gonzo	Hey, aren't you supposed to be running that tape of the show we recorded last week?
Rizzo	Oh, no, that tape! Oh, jeez, the tape. That's right. Oh, what did I do with the tape? Oh, let me see. The last thing I remember was, oh yeah, yeah, Carl and I were having a cheese eating contest.
Gonzo	Yeah? And then what happened?
Rizzo	Well, well, this is coming back to me. There was Carl and there was the video machine. Oh, the tape got eaten?
Gonzo	What!? The machine ate the tape?
Rizzo	No, Carl.
Gonzo	Carl ate the tape?
Rizzo	No, Carl ate the machine.
 	Carl enters. He belches, spitting out a wad of video tape.
Gonzo	Woah.
Carl 	Thank you!
Gonzo	And to think he does all that without mustard.
 	
 	Carl exits.
Rizzo	Oh no. What are we going to do now?
Gonzo	Well, I don't know. Let's see. I got an idea! I got an idea!
Rizzo	Yeah, yeah yeah?
Gonzo	How about this? Suppose we just run the best scenes from all of our shows hosted by us — you and me.
Rizzo	Oh, wait a minute. Hosted by us? That's ridiculous. Gonzo, you and me hosting a show. Nobody's going to go for that.
Gonzo	But we go on the air in one minute.
Rizzo	Well, what are we waiting for? We got a show to host! I'll go get the tuxedos.
 	Rizzo runs off.
Gonzo	(into the PA microphone) Carl, Carl, cue the opening credits! And don't eat them until they're over with.
==Theme==
	Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Introduction==
 	Gonzo enter the stage.
Gonzo	Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Gonzo the Great. As many of you probably know, Muppets Tonight has been on the air for over 3,000 years.
 	Rizzo runs onto the stage
Rizzo	That's not right.
Gonzo	Well, I'm approximating. And in that time, we have had the opportunity to launch the careers of many famous celebrities.
Rizzo	Yes.
Gonzo	Unfortunately, most of those tapes have been lost, destroyed, stolen...
Rizzo	...or eaten.
Carl 	(from off camera) Thank you!
Gonzo	However, a few of those early celebrity appearances have survived. Let's watch, shall we?
Rizzo	Yes!
 	
==Clip package #1==
:*Muppet Match-Up from episode 101
:*Muppet Star Search from episode 205
:*The Kermit the Frog Club from episode 105
:*Muppet Bandstand from episode 108
=="The stars of tomorrow"==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on stool on the stage.
Gonzo	Well, those were some of the stars of today.
Rizzo	But who you ask are the stars of tomorrow?
Gonzo	Well, you can be sure you won't be seeing them in these next clips.
Rizzo	But what the heck? Let's watch anyway.
 	
==Clip package #2==
:*Seymour and Pepe: "El-if-i-know" routine from episode 107
:*Sid Knishes and his Mosh Pit-tatoes from episode 107
:*"The Anvil Chorus" from episode 107
:*The Refined Young Cannonballs from episode 206
=="Speaking of surprising"==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on stool on the stage.
Rizzo	That was surprisingly good.
Gonzo	And speaking of surprising. Watch this.
 	Gonzo explodes in a puff of smoke and disappears.
Rizzo	It's not exactly what I had in mind. Actually, I was just going to show a few more clips, but I guess you can watch while I try to put Gonzo back together. Oh boy.
 	
==Clip package #3==
:*Garth Brooks mambo entrance from episode 102
:*"The Psychiatrist's Office" sketch from episode 107
:*Pierce Brosnan uses Muppet Labs high-power laser-death cotton-swab from episode 204
:*Andie MacDowell and Bunsen on a motorboat from episode 211
:*Rizzo helps Bobo talk to Cindy Crawford from episode 105
=="Clips the critics love"==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are standing on stage.
Gonzo	Here are some clips the critics love.
 	
==Clip package #4==
:*Martin Short's agent talks to Kermit from episode 110
:*Johnny, Sal, and Mama Fiama enter the studio from episode 110 (used in the international edit only)
:*"High Hopes" from episode 202
:*Bobo fans himself from episode 107
=="Clips like these"==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are on stage by some roadie cases.
Gonzo	Well, if you haven't guessed by now, we're doing a "best of" show and what best of show is complete without clips like these?
 	
==Clip package #5==
:*Piggy's "When Harry Met Sally" screen test from episode 103
:*Great Moments in Elvis History: The Declaration of Independence from episode 101 (used in the international edit only)
:*Murder on the Disoriented Express from episode 108
:*Co-Depedence Day trailer from episode 202 (used in the international edit only)
==Musical clips==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on the roadie cases. Rizzo is playing an electric guitar and singing the blues.
Rizzo 	♪ Well, I got to introduce the musical clips and I don't have a clue what to say. ♪
Gonzo 	Sing it, rat!
Rizzo 	♪ Yeah, I got the musical clips coming out, but I don't know what to say. ♪
Together	♪ The producers gonna be steaming mad at ol' Rizzo today. ♪
 	
==Clip package #6==
:*"Firefly" from episode 106
:*"We Shall Be Free" from episode 102
:*"1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New)" from episode 205
:*"Starfish and Coffee" from episode 201
==Television parodies==
 	Gonzo is standing on stage.
Gonzo	Thank you. We here at Muppets Tonight love to do television parodies. Some people might say that's biting the hand that feeds us.
 	Rizzo runs on and bites Gonzo's left hand.
Gonzo	Ah! What'd you do that for?
Rizzo	Well, you told me to bite the hand that feeds me.
Gonzo	I don't feed you with that hand, I feed you with this hand. (gestures with right hand)
 	Rizzo runs around Gonzo and bites his right hand.
Rizzo	My mistake.
 	
==Clip package #7==
:*Bay of Pigswatch from episode 101
:*Seinfeld Babies from episode 107
==Muppets Tonight's Greatest Hits==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo are on stage.
Gonzo	You know, Rizzo.
Rizzo	Yes, Gonzo?
Gonzo	These clips are great, but I haven't seen any of my favorite moments.
Rizzo	Which ones are those?
Gonzo	The painful ones!
Rizzo	All righty then. Well, here's a tape that we call "Muppets Tonight's Greatest Hits.
 	
==Clip package #8==
:* A montage set to "Ode to Joy" of Muppets and guests being hit, smashed, thrown, or exploded.
==Closing tag==
 	Gonzo and Rizzo walk off stage laughing.
Rizzo 	That was great, Gonzo. You know, we really pulled it off.
Gonzo 	Yeah. Nice work, old buddy.
Rizzo 	Thanks.
 	The two walk past Statler and Waldorf.
Statler	That went well.
Gonzo 	Hey, what are you two doing here?
Statler	Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called "The Worst of Muppets Tonight."
Rizzo 	Really? What did you show?
Waldorf	The same thing you did!
 	
 	The credits roll, featuring outtakes of Pepe and Seymour's "ela-if-i-know" routine from episode 107, Clifford with Sandra Bullock in episode 107, Pepe and Seymour as Jason Alexander's conscience from episode 108, and Gary Cahuenga talking to Prince from episode 201.
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Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts