The Great Cookie Caper

The Great Cookie Caper is DanzxvFan8275's ninth entry of Spin Off Kings Season Two. It is also the ninth archive of File 1 of I Simp For Juicy Titties. It was released on June 7, 2020.
==Transcript==
[episode starts with SpongeBob rocking back and forth in a rocking chair, sipping on a mug of coffee while reading a book. He stops to talk to the audience]
SpongeBob: Oh, hello there. I was just reading The Murder on the Orient Express, an exquisite murder mystery. And it really reminds me of the time I had to solve a mystery.
[turns camera around to show that SpongeBob’s nephews are sitting on a rug in front of him]
Jerry: Yeah, I don’t care, Uncle SpongeBob. 
Kyle: Can’t you just let us play Fortnite so we can enjoy ourselves?
SpongeBob: Wait. I forgot to mention. [takes off glasses] It involves…. cookies.
Lane: Cook- cookies, you say?
SpongeBob: Yup. You kids wouldn’t believe how hectic the Great Cookie Caper was.
Jerry: Seriously, Dan? You were almost eliminated last round, and this is what you come back with in a mystery around? Goddamn COOKIES?! [calms down] By the way, can we have some cookies?
SpongeBob: Not yet, Jerry. Let me tell you my story first. [puts glasses back on and leans in] It all started on my birthday last year.
[cuts to SpongeBob and his friends at a picnic table outside of his pineapple, where they’re singing happy birthday to him]
Everyone: ...happy birthday to you!
SpongeBob: [blows out candles] 
Sandy: No SpongeBob, I will not be your girlfriend.
SpongeBob: Aww… [hangs head in shame]
[Eugene comes over with an envelope]
Eugene: Open it up, boyo. Happy birthday. [SpongeBob tears it up to see a fine slip]
SpongeBob: Huh? A $500 fine?
Eugene: Not only is that your birthday gift, but it’s also your gift from when you got ketchup all over the wall.
SpongeBob: Uh… thanks?
[Poppy comes over with another envelope]
Poppy: Here you go, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob tears it up to see a drivers license]
SpongeBob: My… my drivers license!
Poppy: SIKE! [starts laughing and wipers her tears of joy] That’s a fake license. 
SpongeBob: Oh, I thought I finally passed.
Poppy: You wish! [laughs] Happy birthday!
SpongeBob: [whispering] Man, these presents are terrible. [Patrick struggles to walk over due to the heavy present] You need some help Pat?
Patrick: [huffs until he finally gets to the table and drops the jar onto it] Nope. Got it. Open it up, buddy!
SpongeBob: Oh boy, I can’t wait! [rips up the paper while it cuts to Patrick’s face]
Patrick: Well?
SpongeBob: It’s- [cuts to show a big jar of cookies] amazing! I always wanted a gigantic container of cookies. 
Patrick: Great! I picked it just for you.
[SpongeBob unscrews the lid and starts to pop a cookie into his mouth]
SpongeBob: Mmmm… [screws lid back on] Chocolate chip. How I like em. [puts it down] Alright guys, I’ve been a great time, but it’s getting to that time of night. See y’all soon. [waves goodbye as everyone else packs up and leaves. Patrick is still there next to SpongeBob] Patrick, aren’t you gonna leave?
Patrick: Uh, yeah, can I just… say goodbye to the cookies real quick?
SpongeBob: Say goodbye to the cookies? Pfft, sure you can buddy. [laughs; pushes the jar over] Well?
Patrick: Good bye, precious, delicious cookies. You better taste good for SpongeBob! [walks away sulking]
SpongeBob: They’re just cookies, I don’t get why this was such a heartbreaker. Oh well!
[chomps on a few more cookies as it cuts back to SpongeBob in the rocking chair]
Kyle: Uncle SpongeBob, where’s the mystery stuff again?
Lane: Yeah, this story isn’t interesting. But now I want some chocolate chip cookies.
SpongeBob: [wags finger] Ah ah! Patience, my dear nephews. A fantastic story can’t be rushed. And eating a jar of cookies can’t be rushed, either. But that’s what I was doing.
[cuts back to story where SpongeBob is watching TV while eating cookies]
SpongeBob: Oh my god, these cookies are GREAT! I wonder where Patric got these. [eats another as Gary slithers in]
Gary: Meow! 
SpongeBob: What Gary? You think I’m overdoing it on the cookies tonight?
Gary. Meow meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, I see. [shrugs] They just taste so good. But maybe you’re right, I’ve had enough for today. [turns off TV with remote] I need to go to bed anyway. [stretches while going up to his room with Gary. He then climbs into bed and turns off his lamp] Sweet dreams, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
[the two fall asleep, but the camera pans over to the dark kitchen where the door can be seen opening. Heavy footsteps can be heard walking towards the jar of cookies on the counter. SpongeBob can be heard snoring from upstairs, but the burglar is able to get away with the jar of cookies while knocking over a vase.]
Burglar: Hehehehe… that fool. [starts to walk out, but then Gary is shown slithering in. He’s the only one visible]
Gary: MEOW!
Burglar: Oh shit! [footsteps back] Stupid snail, back off!
Gary: [growls and then starts to chomp closer to him] Meow!
Burglar: You can’t be trusted. [picks Gary up, keeping him away so he doesn’t bite him.
He then ties Gary up to the leg of the table and runs away from the house]
Gary: Pffft… meow. [goes back to sleep]
Narrator: The Next Morning…
[SpongeBob’s alarm goes off prompting him to wake up and jump out of bed. Gary is missing]
SpongeBob: Ah, a brand new day! [throws off covers] Good morning Ga- AHHH! GARY?! Where the hell did Gary go? [notices a slime trail] Hm… [he slips on the slime while going down the stairs and begins to repeatedly bang himself against the stairs and walls. He then slides his way into the kitchen where he finally collects himself.] Wow, that was bad. [wipes dust off of him]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary? What… what are you doing all tied up? 
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob: Oh, poor boy. You must be worried sick. Here, let me help you out. [unties the rope and then Gary slithers up to him, rubbing against his side] Yeah, that’s better. So, what happened?
Gary: Meow… meow.
SpongeBob: My cookies? Gary, don’t be ridiculous now. No one would come in and steal my cook- [looks up to see the jar missing from the counter] Huh? [walks over] But… I… oh my god.
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: MY COOKIES ARE GONE! [breaks down and starts sobbing on the floor] NO!!! MY COOKIES! THERE’S NO WAY SOMEONE WOULD TAKE THEM!
Gary: [slithers over and drops an eyebrow] Meow.
SpongeBob: [jumps up] Oh, you’re right. Denial is the first stage to grief. But cracking the code by becoming a detective is the second stage, right? [Gary shakes his head] Oh, it’s not? Well, that’s what I’m gonna do now. No one runs away with my delicious cookies!
[SpongeBob harnesses power with creates a burst of light. This flashed across the screen until the whole screen fades to black and white. SpongeBob is now wearing a detective suit and hat while smoking a pipe.]
SpongeBob: This is a case for the Cookie Cop. [smokes pipe] We shall find this cookie thief and bring them to justice.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [perplexed expression of realization] What do you mean check Patrick’s house? He gave them to me, why would he steal them? [Gary peers at him] Eh, wouldn’t hurt to check. [smokes pipe which causes a bubble transition. SpongeBob and Gary appear at Patrick’s rock]
SpongeBob: [knocks on the rock] Mr. Star. [silence, leading him to knock again] Uh, Mr. Star? Patrick?
Gary: Meow, meow?
SpongeBob: No, there’s no way he’s asleep right now. [opens rock up in impatience; the camera cuts to SpongeBob’s face as he makes a shocked expression] What?!
[cuts to inside of the rock where Patrick is shown to be dead. Blood is all around]
SpongeBob: No… it can’t be.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, right, I forgot about denial. [jumps into the pineapple as to inspect the corpse] There’s gotta be something going on here. Patrick gave me the cookies, and now he’s dead and the cookies are gone! [checks corpse and sees gunshot wounds] And it looks like he’s been shot. [pulls out bullets that are wedged in the skin, looking at them closely] Hm…
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: These are clearly AR-15 bullets. [stores them in a plastic bag] I know that because Squidward shot me with one once. I guess I was too annoying that day. [starts laughing, but then breaks it halfway through] Hey, wait a minute…
[cuts to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward’s door. Squidward hesitantly answers]
Squidward: What are you doing here, dressed in that ridiculous costume? [looks around] And why is everything black and white?
SpongeBob: Why, Mr. Tentacles, my scrumptious cookies have gone missing.
Squidward: So? [chewing on something]
SpongeBob: HOLD ON! What are you eating?
Squidward: Oh. [picks a cookie up] These AMAZING cookies! 
SpongeBob: [gasps] So it was YOU! [handcuffs Squidward] I had no idea you could stoop to these levels. 
Squidward: What the hell are you talking about?
SpongeBob: You stole the cookies Patrick gave me!
Squidward: No I didn’t, you damn fool. Look! [pulls out a tray of baked cookies] I bake my own cookies. Why would I steal some that he gave me?
SpongeBob: Oh, I see. [facepalms and then unties Squidward] What about Patrick?
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob: I just found him shot dead in his rock. AR-15 bullets.
Squidward: Over some fucking COOKIES?!
SpongeBob: Hey, I’d kill for cookies too! Actually, maybe lines like that wouldn’t be appropriate for this scenario. [points atSquidward] You own an AR-15!
Squidward: Actually, I don’t. I sold it a while ago to Sandy. [laughs] Yup, guns are not my type now. The second amendment needs to be repealed.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [scribbles it down on his notepad] Time to check out Sandy’s place. By the way, Squidward, can I have some cookies?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: PLEASE?! [gets down and begs]
Squidward: Aren’t you supposed to be finding your own cookies? Jeez… [slams door shut] 
[cuts to Sandy’s treedome. SpongeBob and Gary are hiding behind a bush across the street, looking in. Sandy is pacing the grass while having her hands tucked.]
SpongeBob: Hm… pay close attention, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
[Sandy pulls out a gun and starts aiming it at s target on her tree]
SpongeBob: WHAT?! I knew you could never trust a Texan! [runs over to Sandy’s door and pops a water helmet on. He tries to open it but can’t] Damn, it’s locked! [pulls out the rope from the crime scene and uses it to yank open the door. He then runs in and yells at Sandy] Your jig is up, Cheeks!
Sandy: SpongeBob? [puts gun down] What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: I think a better question would be what were you doing in my house yesterday. AND WHY DO YOU HAVE AN AR?!
Sandy: Because I bought it, why? 
SpongeBob: You bought it, hm? That’s interesting. Yes. Because I just got back from Squidward’s place and he said he sold one of those to you. [leans in closer] That could only mean [lowers voice] one thing.
Sandy: And what’s that?
SpongeBob: You couldn’t resist the sight of my warm, delicious cookies that Patrick gave me. So you bought a gun from Squidward,snuck in at the middle of the night, stole my cookies, tied Gary up, and then shot my dear friend with it. [leans back and pops sunglasses on] Sounds right, doesn’t it?
Sandy: Orrrrrr…. I legally bought this gun in Texas, per this registration and purchase license. [pulls up the registration that proves she bought it legally]
SpongeBob: Oh. [chuckles in embarrassment] So… I was pretty wrong then.
Sandy. Yeah. You were.
SpongeBob: Well, I must ask you then. What were you doing on the night of last night of yesterday of two days before tomorrow?
Sandy: Did… did you have to… nevermind. 
[shows Sandy’s flashback; Sandy starts narrating] 
Sandy: I was getting ready to have a peaceful sleep when I was interrupted by my tree shaking. [shows the tree shaking] Huh? She’s not supposed to drop acorns until fall! [starts narrating again] So I ran downstairs and got outside to see my tree being shaken by a large rope.
SpongeBob: A rope, huh? Was it similar to the one I used to open the door?
Sandy: Sure was. And I know just who did it.
SpongeBob: Who was that?
Sandy: [zooms in on her face] Plankton. [SpongeBob gets clearly spooked] 
SpongeBob: What?
Sandy: He must’ve been collecting acorns for his newest plan to steal the Krabby Patty Formula.
SpongeBob: [jots down in notebook] Wait, and how do you know this?
Sandy: Because he told me on his way out.
[cuts to flashback where Sheldon is shaking the tree with the rope]
Sheldon: Bullseye! [collects acorns] Now I can use these to make peanut butter, which Krabs is allergic to! Then I’ll steal the formula.
[cuts back]
SpongeBob: Oh. Interesting. [finishes notes] Well, Sandy, that sure is weird, but it’s brought me one step closer to finding my cookies.
Sandy: Cookies? That’s all this is about?
SpongeBob: Yes… you don’t understand, Sandy. [tugs on her bra] I NEED THEM! I’ll kill for- nevermind.
[walks away as Sandy has a deadpan expression. Cuts to SpongeBob and Gary at the Chum Bucket where they’re about to interrogate Sheldon]
SpongeBob: Alright, Gary, stand back. This may get ugly.
Gary: Meow.
[SpongeBob barges into the Chum Bucket and instantly has a shocked expression. The camera pans over to Sheldon and Karen on the couch, in which Sheldon is trying to suffocate Karen with a piece of rope.]
Sheldon: [shouting] You like that, don’t you? Maybe think next time before you STEAL FROM ME, BITCH! [Karen’s screams become muffled] 
Karen: Baby…
SpongeBob: [walks in] What is going on here?! 
Sheldon: SpongeBob! [drops the rope which also causes Karen to fall out of his arms] What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: Just sniffing out the thief and murderer. Pfft, I should’ve known it was you? [examines the rope and then draws out the one in his pocket] Aha! A perfect match.
Sheldon: Uh oh. 
SpongeBob: Ah, so you admit it! [walks up to be intimidating] You stole all of my mouthwatering chocolate chip cookies, tied my Gary up with that rope-
Gary: [peeking in from outside] Meow.
SpongeBob: -killed Patrick after you knew he left the cookies to me, and then you’re planning to use them to steal the formula?
Sheldon: Well…
SpongeBob: You stole acorns from Sandy’s tree, once again, using the same rope you used to choke Karen, who I could only assume was going to snitch on you for your plan to feed Mr. Krabs peanut butter cookies so you could sneak out with the formula. [folds arms and has a grin] Someone cracked the code, didn’t they, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Or, maybe, I bought some freshly baked cookies from Squidward, stole the acorns from Sandy, and I’m now engaging in one of Karen and I’s favorite kinks.
Karen: [gains consciousness back] Yeah! [stands up] Guess that someone doesn’t know what BDSM is.
SpongeBob: So you mean to tell me I just walked in on Sheldon auto-erotically asphyxiating you?
Karen: [folds arms] Yes.
SpongeBob: So you don’t have my cookies, and you’re also not a murderer.
Sheldon: No. [laughs] How about you try out one of the cookies Squidward sold to me?
SpongeBob: Sure! [pops one in his mouth] Hey, these are really good. [chewing] Tastes like there’s some peanut butter in there. [spits some out] Wait. I thought Squidward was baking chocolate chip cookies. [leans in] Were you tampering with these?
Sheldon: [laughs] Sure was, fool! [springs up] I put the acorns into the cookies so I could feed these to my good friend Eugene.
SpongeBob: [gasps] But Eugene is allergic to nuts! 
Sheldon: Exactly! So when he’ll pass out from the allergic reaction, I can sneak in and get the formula! [maniacally laughs] NOTHING CAN STOP ME! NOTHING! [laughs as it cuts to an empty Chum Bucket, showing that SpongeBob is gone. Plankton opens his eye] Shit. [grabs the cookies and starts running out of the door]
Karen: But baby… I wasn’t done! I want you to choke me more! [lays back down] Aw, forget it.
[shows SpongeBob sprinting out and picking up Gary]
SpongeBob: Gary, we’ve gotta go save Mr. Krabs!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Yes, I know we’re trying to find the cookies and find who murdered Patrick, but we also gotta help him out.
Gary: Meow…
[Sheldon catches up] 
Sheldon: Don’t snitch, SpongeBob! You know what I do to snitches! [stumbles over a rock and hits himself] Owww….
[overhead view shows SpongeBob and Gary heading into the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob bends down to catch his breath as he starts panting out words]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs… Plankton… acorn butter… secret… formula… [finishes panting and looks up at Eugene, who’s holding a pistol at him]
Eugene: Yeah, I don’t think you should be worrying about me, boy. [zooms into his face] You should worry about yourself. 
SpongeBob: [gasps] What? Wh-what?
Eugene: You can’t stop me. You all are slaves to my system. 
SpongeBob: You all? What do you mean you all?
Eugene: Come in here, Patrick! [Patrick walks out of the bathroom with a bag of cookies in his hand. Eugene takes out another gun and aims it towards Patrick]
Patrick: Yes sir… [Patrick gives Eugene the cookies]
SpongeBob: PATRICK?! I… I thought you were dead.
Eugene: And I thought SOMEONE [towering over Patrick] wouldn’t ruin the perfect cookie selling operation!
Patrick: But, I did everything I-
Eugene: Then why did this yellow buffoon come and try to stop me, huh? You left too many holes in the operation, Patrick. And now you must die.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you’ve gone too far! [wags finger up]
Eugene: Oh, very well then. I suppose I must assassinate the both of you then.
SpongeBob: [jumps in fright] Huh?! 
Eugene: Sorry, boys. It’s just business. 
Patrick: I told you, Mr. Krabs, the cookies were for SpongeBob! 
Eugene: And all this money is for ME!
Patrick: No, you selfish bas- [Eugene shoots Patrick in his leg, causing him to fall down] Ugh…
SpongeBob: Okay, that’s it. [puts Gary down and then jumps onto Eugene from the back] Take this, you petty scum!
[Eugene shakes him off at first, so he starts to claw at him. Then SpongeBob gets up and pushes him into the register, knocking over his register.]
SpongeBob: Now all of your cookie money is over the floor.
Eugene: [gets up] Yeah, you probably didn’t need yer detective skills for that one, did you boy? [jumps back onto SpongeBob, suffocating him with his mass. SpongeBob tries to squirm away, but he becomes trapped and can’t move anymore. Eugene gets off and now both Patrick and SpongeBob are on the floor in an unstable condition.]
Patrick: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick! [they try to make themselves closer, but Eugene shoots between them]
Eugene: You can wait until you're dead until you’re “closer.” Again boys, [pulls out guns again] It’s just cookie business.
[cuts to multiple shots of SpongeCock and Patrick unable to move, as well as Eugene with the guns. However, Sheldon then comes in with his peanut butter cookies]
Sheldon: Hey, Krabs! Get a load of THESE!
Eugene: What do you want, Plankton?
Sheldon: Oh, nothing. [blushes] I just found out that you like cookies a lot.
Patrick: Well, everyone loves cook-
SpongeBob: [shushes him] Wait, Patrick! This might be it…
Eugene: Yeah, I like to SELL cookies. Got any good ones?
Sheldon: Sure do! Try them!
[Eugene walks over to try a cookie from the platter. He bites a bit off from the end and starts to chew, but then he freezes in his trance]
Eugene: These…
Sheldon: Yes?
Eugene: ...these are perfect! [jumps up]
Sheldon: Why thank you Eugene. [giggles] I’ve been working on them all night.
Eugene: I can tell! [starts eating all of the cookies on the platter. SpongeBob and Patrick are shown looking up as Eugene finishes it off. He then freezes again, but this time he starts to breathe heavily] 
Sheldon: So?
Eugene: I… can’t… [starts to spaz out in a jerking motion, to which he falls to the ground and his face becomes puffy] Igsbahd anUghhasaaaaa….
Sheldon: Hehe… [throws platter to the side and puts his arms to his side] you can thank me now, losers.
[Patrick and SpongeBob get up to thank to Sheldon]
SpongeBob: Plankton… you saved our lives.
Patrick: Yeah! And you saved the cookies!
Sheldon: Wow, that’s sweet. [his antennas go down] I don’t even feel like stealing the formula anymore, this was lame. Goodbye. [walks out, to which SpongeBob and Patrick hug each other, as the screen goes back to the normal colors]
SpongeBob: Oh, buddy, I was worried sick! [stop hugging] What happened?
Patrick: Well, I must say, a lot of people REALLY like cookies. And I mean really like them.
SpongeBob: Of course they do.
Patrick: But Mr. Krabs had a different idea in mind. [shows overlay of the situation while Patrick narrates] He saw the cookies and apparently knew that they were on the rise. I mean, who can resist the amazing ins and outs of a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie? So he pulled me after the party and told me that he wanted all of the cookies.
SpongeBob: Wait, so it was you who stole my cookies from me?
Patrick: Yup. And I tied Gary up.
[Gary comes and bites him]
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Hey, I’m sorry! [cleans himself off]
SpongeBob: But what about your corpse… and the bullets…
[Squidward and Sandy walk in]
Sandy: [giggles] We might’ve helped with that one, SpongeBob.
Squidward: Yup.
SpongeBob: [gasps; turns to Patrick] They were in on this whole thing too?
Patrick: Sure were! [cuts back to Squidward making a Patrick body] Squidward, Sandy, and I had been ordered by Krabs to fake my death. Squidward made a body suit of me and Sandy supplied me with the gun. [shows Patrick shooting the body replica] So I made the scene look legit. Ketchup as blood and everything.
SpongeBob: You know, I gotta stop falling for that. How can’t I tell the difference between ketchup and blood?
Squidward: Well, then again, how were you so stupid to not figure this all out until the end?
Sandy: Yeah. [walks in] You’re not a very good detective.
SpongeBob: [pouts] Aww. [Patrick comes over with the remaining cookies]
Patrick: Well, half of these got sold, but here you go. [Patrick leans in which shows that he has cookie crumbs on his lips] And a quarter was disposed of in other fashions.
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick. [sucks down on the cookies] You know how to make me feel better.
[SpongeBob and Patrick start laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor. Squidward and Sandy shrug and walk out of the Krusty Krab]
[cuts back to SpongeBob in the chair with his nephews]
SpongeBob: And that was the story of the great cookie caper. [yawns] So, how was it? [Jerry, Kyle, and Lane are all seen to be sleeping, until SpongeBob snaps to get them to wake up]
Jerry: [jumps up] Oops, sorry, Uncle SpongeBob. Now where’s our cookies?
SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I need to catch up on all of the cookies I missed out on last year. [pulls out a jar of cookies and starts munching on them] Mmmm… perfect.
Kyle: Hey, that’s not fair!
SpongeBob: Well neither was Mr. Krabs when he made Patrick steal from me, but you wouldn’t know that because you slept through it. [continues to eat, then pauses to wink at the fourth wall as the episode ends]
==Trivia==
*This episode came in first place for Round 9, giving Dan a spot in the Season 2 Finale.
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