Boris Johnson Strikes Back

Boris Johnson Strikes Back is the forty-ninth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, the eleventh episode of the fifth and final season, and the penultimate episode of the entire show. It was written by and released on July 23, 2024.
== Transcript ==
[“Behind Blue Eyes” by Limp Bizkit plays as the episode begins. We see an establishing shot of Boris Johnson’s £4 million moated mansion in Oxfordshire. Cut to Boris’ bedroom, where he lies awake atop his bedsheets, his blonde hair even more messy and unkempt than usual.]
Fred Durst: (off-screen) No one knows what it’s like
To be the Boris
To be the Johnson
Behind Tory eyes
[Boris sits himself up, yawns, and begins getting dressed for the day, his miniscule uncircumcised penis on full display. He puts on some denim booty shorts and a green crop top with the logo for the Charli XCX album Brat on it.]
And no one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated to only telling lies
[Boris brushes his teeth with Aquafresh (ew), and then heads downstairs into the kitchen where his devoted partner in both crime and marriage, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is cooking pancakes for him. Limp Bizkit fades into the background.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Hubby! You’re awake!
[Jacob rushes over to embrace Boris, but Boris pushes him away.]
Boris Johnson: Sorry, my scrunkly, I’m just really not in the mood today.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh no… what’s wrong, sweetie? You can tell me anything.
Boris Johnson: I just have the feeling that something terrible is going to happen today.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Could I interest you in a cup of tea?
[Boris’ mood suddenly perks up.]
Boris Johnson: I-In my Cadbury’s Mini Eggs mug?~
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Already ahead of you.
Boris Johnson: (sigh of relief) You know me so well, darling.~
[The two share a passionate kiss that would put even the gayest yaoi to shame. Jacob Rees-Mogg begins making up a cup of tea for his husband, who grabs a remote and turns on the kitchen TV.]
Justin Fletcher: (on TV) Now let’s see what’s inside Mr. Tumble’s spotty bag!
Boris Johnson: (rubbing his hands together) Alright! Mr. Tumble’s spotty bag!
[Jacob Rees-Mogg gives Boris a deadpan glare.]
Boris Johnson: (clears throat) I mean, ahem, let’s see what’s on the news.
[Boris grabs the remote and switches the channel to the GB News breakfast show.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) -but first, it’s the news headlines.
[Pause.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) NO IT’S NOT, WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ME! THIS IS BREAKING NEWS! IT’S FAST! IT’S HAPPENING!
[Jacob passes Boris his coffee.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Here you go, my precious baby boy.
[The two kiss again and Boris starts drinking his coffee.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) THIS JUST IN - PEPPA PIG WORLD HAS LEGALISED TRANS RIGHTS!
[Boris spits out his coffee.]
Boris Johnson: WHAT THE FUCK
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) Reports are emerging that mayor of Peppa Pig World, George Pig, elected in July of 2023, has just signed a bill to give transgender individuals basic human rights.
Boris Johnson: (Steven from The Room voice) How can they do this?!
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) We go live to Peppa Pig World with a world exclusive interview from mayor George Pig’s personal assistant, translator and father, Daddy Pig.
[Cut to another reporter interviewing Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! Well I am a bit of an expert of trans rights.
Peppa: (off-screen) You used to be incredibly transphobic, daddy.
Daddy Pig: Well, erm… yeah, but you have to understand that was all in the past! I’ve had loads of character development and now I’m a changed man, Peppa! I’m so PC now I might as well change my name to Woke-y Pig! (snorts)
Peppa: (off-screen) Why are you like this?
Daddy Pig: I guess the New Norm really ain’t the same as the old norm…
[Cut back to Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg watching the news report in their house.]
Boris Johnson: This is blasphemy! Can they really just do that?! Give in to those gosh darn [motor vehicles]?!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Yeah! Those gender critical scum don’t deserve rights!
Boris Johnson: Well yeah, but also I meant just like from a legal standpoint can they really just do that? I didn’t think cities could just pass their own laws independently from the rest of the country.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, even if they can, it’s still bang out of order.
Boris Johnson: TRUE! (crosses arms) I hate that stupid pig. First he gets me arrested for murdering Suzy Sheep, then he saves the world from the Suzy Sheep apocalypse,As depicted in The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie. and then his bloody no-good autistic son becomes mayor of Peppa Pig World,As depicted in Mayor George. the greatest place on Earth, instead of me! The fucking audacity!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh well, it’s not like we can do anything about it. I really do hate to say it but George won the mayoral election against you fair and square.
Boris Johnson: He’s a fucking baby! He can’t even speak full sentences! Peppa Pig World is supposed to be very much MY kind of place, and he’s running around handing out silly things like “basic human rights” like Oprah Winfrey gives away cars! We need to do something, hubby.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Like what?
Boris Johnson: We do a coup d'état.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: (flustered) Oh my… this early in the morning?
Boris Johnson: what
Jacob Rees-Mogg: what
Boris Johnson: I’m talking about overthrowing George Pig and taking Peppa Pig World for mysel- ourselves!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, that’s kinda kinky too. But it’s impossible, sir! We can’t just overthrow the place with just the two of us!
Boris Johnson: We’re not going to, you eejit! Luckily I have some contacts that I believe should prove useful.
[Cut to Uganda.]
VJ Emmie: (off-screen, laughs) From Wakaliwood, Nateete, VJ Emmie on the microphone!
[We see the Tiger Mafia headquarters.]
VJ Emmie: (off-screen) Tiger Mafia! Uganda’s deadliest gang!
[Cut to a member of the mafia relaxing in an armchair.]
VJ Emmie: Richard! Leader of the Tiger Mafia!
Richard: (singing softly) You’re counting all the sheep in the skyyyyyy, caught up in a world of liiieeesssss-
[The phone starts ringing.]
Richard: (answers) Hello? Tiger Mafia? Uganda’s deadliest gang?
[The screen splits, revealing Boris Johnson on the other end.]
Boris Johnson: Ayo Richard, it’s your brother Boris.
Richard: …who?
Boris Johnson: Boris…Johnson?
[Pause.]
Richard: I have no idea who you are.
Boris Johnson: I used to be prime minister of the UK? I…I shot Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Look, I met you on my holidays once and you said if I ever needed the mafia to have my back to just give you a call.
Richard: …aaaah! You’re the blondie with the stupid haircut!
Boris Johnson: …yeah, sure, that’s me. Now can you help me or what?
Richard: For the right price, the Tiger Mafia will help anyone.
Boris Johnson: Pfffft, I’m Boris Johnson! Money ain’t a problem for me.
Richard: Good, good.
Boris Johnson: Just bring as many of you as possible, as soon as possible. 
Richard: …wait… you want us to come to the UK? That… might be a problem.
Boris Johnson: How so?
Richard: We’re the mafia, bruv. We can’t really get through security. Also we’re broke.
Boris Johnson: Ah…
Richard: You can just get your government to help us, right?
Boris Johnson: I mean… (sighs) I’m gonna be honest, I don’t particularly have the best relations with those at the top of the food chain right now. But I can try. What exactly are you after?
Richard: Just jets to pick us all up discreetly without drawing too much attention. And the police can’t know.
Boris Johnson: (gulps) I’ll try my best.
[Cut to Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg outside 10 Downing Street with a tray of tea. Boris rings the doorbell.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I don’t think this is going to work.
Boris Johnson: Trust the process, baby. It’ll be fine.
[Rishi Sunak answers the door.]
Boris Johnson: Afternoon, dear old chum! Could I interest you in a cup of tea-
Rishi Sunak: No!
Boris Johnson: Just one cup of-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Come on, ju-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Bu-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Pl-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: I-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: P-
Rishi Sunak: I know you’re only here because you want something.
Boris Johnson: Come on! When have I ever been selfish?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Apart from all those times in the past, I mean. I swear, from the bottom of my heart, I am here right now purely because I think you could use a cup of tea in a Cadbury’s Mini Eggs mug.
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: And also because I want you to help get the Tiger Mafia into the country so we can overthrow Peppa Pig World.
Rishi Sunak: Ah, and there it is.
Boris Johnson: Please, Rishi! You’re my only hope! I need to take back Peppa Pig World!
Rishi Sunak: I don’t have time for this. I’m very busy right now funding a genocide and trying to give this country the strictest laws on smoking in the world.
[Note: this is true.]
Boris Johnson: Come on! Give me chance!
Rishi Sunak: No, I will not “give you chance”. 
Boris Johnson: But they support trans rights!
Rishi Sunak: You have my undying support. I will help in any way I can.
Boris Johnson: (Mr. Burns voice) Excellent.
[Cut to The Krusty Krab because fun fact: this is actually a SpongeBob show. The Pig Family enter.]
Daddy Pig: Afternoon, Krusty Krew!
SpongeBob: Yo, Daddy Pig! Wassup!
[The two embrace.]
SpongeBob: Congrats on the legislation, me and Squidward saw it on the news.
Squidward: I’m so happy that people like my fiancé can finally feel safe in Peppa Pig World.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob is transgender.
[SpongeBob and Squidward kiss.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Also SpongeBob and Squidward are engaged.As depicted in SquidBob 2.
Daddy Pig: Thanks guys. I mean, it was all Mayor George’s idea really.
George: Liberal! Liberal!
Mummy Pig: That’s right, son! You’re a liberal!
Squidward: I take it you guys want the usuals?
Daddy Pig: Actually, we had some Chick-fil-A on the way here.
SpongeBob: Ch-Chick-fil-A?
Peppa: It was yummy!
SpongeBob: Y-you… you realise the irony in having Chick-fil-A after… you know what, nevermind. What are you here for then?
Mummy Pig: Oh, we just wanted to see you about something.
SpongeBob: Oh. Is it…urgent?
Mummy Pig: Not really. It’s just… important to us…
SpongeBob: Oh okay. Shoot away then.
Bubble Bass: Hey, I’m kinda waiting on my order here…
Squidward: CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE?!
Bubble Bass: But I want food…
Squidward: AND I WANT TO WIN A TONY AWARD BUT WE CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT, CAN WE?!
[Squidward clears his throat.]
Squidward: Sorry, what did you wanna see us about?
Daddy Pig: Well, erm… you see… you know how you two are getting married soon?
Mummy Pig: We were kinda wondering if maybe… we could get married with you?
[SpongeBob and Squidward exchange looks with each other.]
SpongeBob: You… heh, (nervous laugh) sorry I’m just kinda taken aback here. You… wanna get married WITH us?
Squidward: Don’t worry, babe, let me handle this. Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig, we’re flattered that you feel this way but sadly SpongeBob and I are strictly monogamous. 
Daddy Pig: Mongo… what now?!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like SpongeBob and Squidward think Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig want to start a polycule!
Daddy Pig: I… don’t know what that means either. I know I’m woke now but I’m still old and don’t understand concepts that are valid and cool but break away from societal norms.
Mummy Pig: What we mean is… Daddy Pig and I just want to renew our vows now that we’ve been back together for a long while. 
Daddy Pig: And we were hoping you wouldn’t mind making your wedding…a double wedding? 
Mummy Pig: We’d help pitch in the extra money of course.
Squidward: A double wedding?!
SpongeBob: That sounds… AWESOME! OF COURSE YOU CAN GET MARRIED WITH US!
Mummy Pig: Oh my Talking Ben, that’s such a relief!
SpongeBob: If you’re okay with it, Squidward, of course.
Squidward: Yeah sure why not.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob and Squidward and Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are going to have a double wedding!
All: Hooray!
Bubble Bass: That’s cool and all, but like can I have my food now?
Squidward: oh right yeah of course
[Cut to Jacob Rees-Mogg driving Boris and Rishi in his vintage Bentleys car. The three are listening and singing along to "MURDER EVERY 1 U KNOW!" By Femtanyl.]
Boris and Rishi: SUICIDE NO DON’T YOU LET ME GO 
Jacob Rees-Mogg: WHAT THE FUCK
Boris and Rishi: SNAP MY NECK AND THEN JUST WATCH ME GLOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: LET ME GO
Boris and Rishi: ENTROPY I LET THE WATER FLOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: LET THE WATER FLOW 
Boris and Rishi: GO OUT AND MURDER EVERYONE YOU KNOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: THREE TWO ONE
All: AY FUCK THAT
Boris Johnson: I GO THROUGH YOU LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING ROUGH PATCH
Rishi Sunak: I TAKE MY E AND THINK ABOUT MY SETBACKS
Jacob Rees-Mogg: TAKE IT EASY ON ME DO NOT ASK ME FOR MY BUS PASS
Rishi Sunak: NIGHTCORE BECAME SPED UP EITHER WAY I MAKE A BIG BAG
[They pull up at the parking lot of a private airport.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: This the place?
Rishi Sunak: You’re asking that after parking the car here?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Is…is it not the place?
Rishi Sunak: Yuh, it’s the place. Where we get people in and out of the country discreetly. …it’s also where we deport people seeking asylum to fucking Rwanda. 
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Based.
Boris Johnson: Now the Tiger Mafia should be-
V.J. Emmie: (signature laugh)
[The camera pans over to the Tiger Mafia walking towards the car.]
V.J. Emmie: Tiger Mafia! They walk slow… because they think slow.
Rishi Sunak: Oh great, they have their own version of the narrator in Peppa Pig World.
Richard: Mate, don’t diss V.J. Emmie like that. 
[Boris Johnson gets out of the car.]
Boris Johnson: Richard!
Richard: Plump British man!
[The two embrace.]
Boris Johnson: Wow, there’s… more of you than I thought there would be.
Richard: Yeah yeah yeah, we’re getting the big stacks for this, right?
Boris Johnson: Of course, of course! Once Peppa Pig World is mine- ours, the money is yours.
Richard: (the king from Ben and Holly voice) Splendid!
Rishi Sunak: Hey cigarettes! I don’t wanna interrupt anything here, but I’m just thinking out loud and… what actually is our plan here?
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab at night. SpongeBob is carrying a large black bag of trash to the dumpster. He is singing "Pink Panther" by Scene Queen.]
SpongeBob: Please don’t call I need another hour, three more girls are piling in the shower, don’t call you know I can’t answer, getting pussy like pink panthe-
V.J. Emmie: MOVIE MOVIE MOVIE! MOVIE!
SpongeBob: Huh?
[A swarm of Tiger Mafia goons run towards SpongeBob and throw a sack over his head.]
SpongeBob: WHAT THE-
V.J. Emmie: THE MOVIE IS ON! THE MOVIE IS ON!
SpongeBob: HEY WHAT’S GOING ON?!
[They throw SpongeBob in the back of a truck and jump in with him.]
SpongeBob: SQUIDWARD!!! SQUIDWARD! HELP!
[The doors of the truck close as the vehicle drives off.]
SpongeBob: HELPPPPP!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!
[Squidward comes rushing out of the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: Sponge- oh good Talking Ben…
[To be continued…]
== Notes ==
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