Episode 203: Heather Locklear/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Heather gets off the elevator and explores the lobby.
Heather 	Hello? ... Anybody here? ... Guys? Kermit? Clifford?
 	All the Muppets are hiding in the closet, shivering in fear.
Clifford 	Aw, man, it's Heather Locklear! That's her voice! That's her!
 	She appears through the keyhole.
Heather 	Hello?
Johnny 	(Italian prayer)
Sal 	What do you think she's gonna do to us, Johnny?
Rizzo 	I'll tell you what she's gonna do. She's gonna blackmail all of us.
Muppets 	(gasp)
Gonzo 	And she'll start love triangles!
Muppets 	(gasp)
Bobo 	Worse, she'll frame us for murder and we'll all go to the electric chair!
Muppets 	(scream) –– Shhh!
 	Heather overhears them in the closet.
Clifford 	Be quiet!
Sal 	See if you can see her through the keyhole!
Gonzo 	Who, me?
Rizzo 	Yeah, yeah ...
 	Gonzo looks through the keyhole, then jumps back and screams. Heather opens the door, and the Muppets run away.
Heather 	Hey, hey –– where're you going? You guys, where're you going?
 	She stops Clifford in his tracks.
Clifford 	Heather Locklear! Ha ha! Welcome to our studio! Later.
 	He walks away; she stops him again.
Heather 	Clifford –– what's going on here?
Clifford 	Uh, well, uh, some of the other guys are a little, uh, scared of you because, uh, well, uh ...
Heather 	Because of all the bad things I do on Melrose Place?
 	The Muppets gather around her.
Muppets 	Yeah!
Heather 	Guys, that is just a show. In real life, I am a perfectly normal, nice, decent person.
Muppets 	Really?
Heather 	Yes. I couldn't hurt a flea.
Flea (DG)	Really?
Heather 	Yes.
Flea (DG)	Really?
Heather 	Yes.
Flea (DG)	Really really really really really really really really really? Really really really really really really ––
 	She punches the flea. They all glare at her.
Heather 	Well, that doesn't count. He was starting to annoy me.
Clifford 	I can see that.
 	They all laugh nervously. Music button.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Heather Locklear!
 	He covers his eyes and is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. The house band plays as Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Hey, what's up, what's up? Hey, nice to see ya. (laughs) Yeah. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying ...
 	Switch to the nursing home. Waldorf speaks to two movers.
Waldorf 	Get that thing out of here now!
 	The movers move the TV out of the room. Statler and Waldorf rejoice. Switch back to the main stage.
Clifford 	Any hue, our special guest star tonight is Heather Locklear! (applause) Yeah, give it up! But to start things off, let's take a trip to everybody's favorite hangout, where the java's hot as lava and the mocha is no joke-a. The local coffee emporium!
 	Switch to the coffee shop. Customers quiver at their tables.
Frog (DG) 	I'll have a double latte, please.
Flash 	Make mine a macchiato, a double on the double!
Lady (FO) 	Two cappuccinos, please.
Lady (LCR)	I need a café carbano!
Steve 	Say, uh, fella, what is it with everybody? Why do they bring so much darn coffee?
Slim 	Hey Theresa, like, this cat wants to know why we drink so much coffee.
Animal 	COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!
 	Animal runs past Theresa, who sings "The Coffee Song", soon joined by Steve and the others. Steve takes a sip and becomes wired, as some birds provide a horn solo.
Steve 	We're all drinking way too much caffeine!
Animal 	COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! AAHHHH!
 	Theresa continues the song, joined by some dancing bananas, an ape on bongos, Dr. Bunsen on maracas, and Beaker as Carmen Miranda. They all finish the song, after which Steve's head blows off.
Slim 	Should've ordered a decaf.
 	They all disperse. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Nigel greets the dancers as they pass.
Nigel	Good, good, good, good. Yeah, nice work, dancers. Very good, very good. Nice work.
 	Steve's head lands on the floor. Eugene picks it up, shocking Nigel.
Nigel	Uh ... nice work, Steve.
Steve	Oh, uh, thanks, Nigel.
 	Steve's body comes in, wandering aimlessly.
Steve	Oh! Oh, there's my body. Uh, over here, fella. Oh, look at him. Poor guy doesn't have a clue. (laughs) To your left –– no, to your right. Uh, headless body walking around, can I get a little help?
Nigel	Can somebody please help Steve get his body? (to stagehand) Outta my way! Cue Clifford and bring the right cue!
==The Hardy Pig Boys==
 	Applause.
Clifford 	(laughs) You know, when Heather Locklear agreed to do our show, she wanted to do something intelligent and sophisticated. And this is what we came up with.
 	Open on a lunar set with a rocket and jungle foliage. Andy and Randy back into each other and scream in horror.
A. Ligator 	Muppets Tonight presents, The Hardy Pig Boys in "The Mystery of the Zombie Queen of the Amazon Outer Space Jungle Bee Woman Case". Based on the novel by Jane Austen. Aw, who wrote this?
Andy & Randy	We did!
Randy 	Here we are, Andy and Randy Hardy pig boys ...
Andy 	Us!
Randy 	... Junior space boy pig detectives, marooned on a strange planet.
Andy 	Yes, because we are here to solve a mystery ...
Randy 	Mystery ...
 	A space bee emerges.
Space Bee 	Halt. Who are you?
Andy & Randy	–– This mystery's too hard!
Space Bee 	Silence. Prepare to meet the sophisticated and intelligent ruler of this planet, Queen Hawaya.
Randy 	How are ya?
Space Bee 	Oh, not bad, how are you?
Andy & Randy	... We don't get it.
 	Meanwhile, behind the camera, Clifford and Heather stand by; Heather wears a bee costume.
Clifford 	(laughs)
Heather 	Clifford –– Clifford, you can't make me go out there.
Clifford 	Oh, please, Heather. These pigs wrote this for you! Look at those little pork rinds. They're knocking themselves out.
Heather 	So you say they studied with Lee Strauspork?
Clifford 	Eight long years.
Heather 	... Alright. I'll do it. But I'm keeping the costume. (disrobes and goes onstage)
Clifford 	Fine with me.
Space Bee 	Make way for the queen!
Heather 	So, Hardy Pig Boys, what foolish quest brings you before Queen Howaya?
Andy 	How are ya?
Randy 	Not bad. How are you?
Andy 	(laughs)
Randy 	We still don't get it.
Heather 	But I thought you wrote it.
Randy 	Well, yeah, but we basted it on one of those Jane Austen things.
Andy 	Yeah, you - you know, those things that have the hard cardboard on the outside and the soft flat stuff on the inside?
Heather 	You mean a book?
Randy 	No, a pizza.
Heather 	Your script is based on a Jane Austen pizza?
Andy & Randy	(gasp) It is?
Andy 	Wow!
Randy 	Ooh!
Heather 	Clifford!
Andy & Randy	Yo, yo, yo, yo ...
Clifford 	Oh, man. Yo, yo, Zippity!
Zippity Zap 	Yeah.
Clifford 	Listen, if Heather Locklear's looking for me, uh, tell her I'm at a, uh Neil Diamond concert! (exits)
Zippity Zap 	Oh, that's cold! (laughs)
 	Heather thumbs through the script.
Heather 	No ... no ...
Randy 	No.
Heather 	What were you thinking when you wrote this?
Andy & Randy	Nothing.
Heather 	Well, here's five pages with nothing but doodles.
Andy & Randy	Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle ...
Heather 	Oh! Well, this is funny. Let's start right here.
Andy & Randy	Okay, okay ...
 	She ditches the script and leads them in a march.
Heather 	Alright, Hardy Pig Boys, prepare to meet your fate. (faces them) I will sacrifice you to the most horrible and terrifying monster of them all: Frogzilla!
 	The pigs cower as Kermit enters, stomping and roaring.
Kermit 	Gee, this is fun. (spits) I never get to play the bad guy.
 	He roars, then starts to eat a tree, but collapses.
==Backstage==
Nigel 	Okay, and uh, cue Ice Station Zebra in THREE TWO ONE CUE!!
Techie (BB)	Running. Cue.
 	Eugene rapidly presses buttons. Switch to a zebra at the ice station, shivering, his stripes falling off.
Zebra 	I'm ff-freezing my stripes off out here!
 	Two penguins slide off an iceberg. Switch back to backstage, where Beaker wheels a tray of food as Bunsen walks beside him.
Bunsen 	Oh, Beakie. Our new mood meals experiment could be a breakthrough in culinary science.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Bunsen 	A single bite of this biscotti here releases a spate of endorphins into the cranial cavity. Translation: it makes you incredibly nice. (hugs himself)
Beaker 	(gasps)
Bunsen 	But, one chomp on the dreaded chimichanga has the diametrically opposite effect.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Bunsen 	It makes you incredibly evil.
Beaker 	(gasps, shrinks head into coat)
Bunsen 	Now Beakie, now I've got to go to the little scientist's room. I want you to take these back to the lab for more testing. And don't forget, biscotti, good. Chimichanga, bad.
 	Bunsen exits. Beaker runs into Heather.
Heather 	Beaker! Where're you going with those snacks? (Beaker tries to ward her off) Let me see! Don't hog them all to yourself! Those look good. Should I have biscotti or chimichanga?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Heather 	All right, you convinced me, the chimichanga.
 	She takes a bite. Beaker cowers.
Heather 	Oh, this is tasty. You know, you Muppets are the ––
 	Twinge! Heather glances at Beaker, suddenly turning evil.
Heather 	What're you looking at, you little swizzle-stick carrot top?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Heather 	(throws chimichanga down) Oh, you, you, you, it's always about you. Here's something for you. (gives him a big kiss, he gasps) How dare you! (punches him)
 	Meanwhile, Clifford talks to Zippity and Chip.
Clifford 	You guys were really wrong about Heather Locklear.
 	Beaker sails across the room and out the stage door.
Clifford 	(aside) Hey Beaker, how you doing? (continues) She is one of the sweetest –– (does a take) What the––?!
Heather 	Fasten your seat belts, furballs! It's going to be a bumpy night.
 	She laughs as the studio thunders with lightning flashes.
Heather 	Oh, shoot, I left my car windows open. That makes me REALLY MAD!
 	The Muppets all run out of the booth as it thunders and flashes again. Meanwhile, Bunsen records an audio diary, not noticing the chaos behind him.
Bunsen 	So far, my new mood meals is a smashing success. Oh, gosh, I love science. It's so controlled and precise.
 	He finds Beaker, stuffed into a TV camera tube.
Bunsen 	Beaker, stop playing around. (walks away)
 	Nigel runs out of the booth, his assistants carrying the switchboard.
Nigel 	Run for your life! Run for your lives! Get out of the way, get out of the way! Quick, quick, cue something! Cue cue cue! Go, go!
 	Music button.
==Fairyland P.D.==
 	Clifford and Bobo enter the crime scene.
A. Ligator	And now another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D. Tonight: The Emperor's Lewd Clothes.
Clifford 	Yo, Bobo.
Bobo 	Yeah?
Clifford 	I didn't know you wore glasses.
Bobo 	Oh, I don't. It's a disguise.
Clifford 	Oh, yeah. Like, like, no one is going to recognize you if you're wearing a pair of glasses. (chuckles)
Bobo 	Hey, it works for Clark Kent.
Clifford 	What do you mean?
Bobo 	Well –– well, Clark Kent is Superman.
Clifford 	(sarcastic) Oh, yeah. Clark Kent and Superman are the same. Wait –– (ponders) You know something? You're right! Hey, that's why you never see them in the same place! Hey. (laughs)
Bobo 	(taunting) I told you, I told you.
 	The nude emperor approaches them.
Emperor 	Good day, gentlemen. Well, what do you think of my new wardrobe?
Bobo 	Hold it right there, body beautiful. Where do you think you're going?
Clifford 	Yeah.
Emperor 	What do you mean?
Clifford 	You can't traipse around in your birthday suit! It's indecent exposure!
Emperor 	But I'm completely clothed. Can't you see my cape and my pantaloons and my –– ooh, cute little doublet, and ––
Clifford 	Well, that's the problem. We can see your cute little doublet.
Bobo 	Yeah, it ain't too little and it ain't too cute.
Emperor 	But you don't understand. I'm the emperor, and these are my new clothes.
Bobo 	Yeah, yeah. And I'm Gladys Knight and he's one of my Pips.
Clifford 	Yeah. Okay, we're takin' you in.
Bobo 	Let's go, buddy.
Chief 	Hey, boys, what do we have here?
Clifford 	Yeah, chief, we caught another one.
Chief 	Whoa. Your Majesty. (bows) Oh, so good to see you. And –– and isn't that a cute little uh, doublet you're wearing today.
Emperor 	Heh heh. Well, I'm off. I left my tutu in the dryer, and I mustn't let it shrink. (exits)
Chief 	Yes! (bows)
Clifford 	But –– but Chief ...
Chief 	Oh, I know. I know. He's naked as a jaybird, but hey, he's the emperor. He signs the checks. What are you going to do? Hey uh, look, Clifford, if you see Bobo, I––
Bobo 	Oh –– Chief ––
Clifford 	Chief.
Bobo 	(removes glasses) Yeah. Yeah, it's me.
Chief 	Whoa! Bobo! What an amazing disguise!
Bobo 	Yeah, thanks.
Chief 	Here, let me try that. (puts on glasses)
Bobo 	(to Clifford) I told you, I told you.
Clifford 	Alright, Bobo.
Chief 	There, what do you think?
Clifford 	... Hey, who are you?
Chief 	Huh?
Bobo 	What'd you do with the Chief?
Chief 	What?
Clifford 	OK, buddy, you're under arrest for kidnapping! Come on. (they nab him)
Chief 	No, no, it's me, I tell ya! I'm the Chief!
Bobo 	Yeah, yeah, and I'm Clark Kent.
Clifford 	Let's go.
Chief 	Lemme go! (yelps)
 	Music button.
==Backstage==
Rizzo 	Yo, Clifford.
Clifford 	Not now, Rizz. Listen, I think I found out how to use the evil Heather to our advantage.
Rizzo 	Uh, yeah, well, that's what we'd like to talk to you about, right, guys?
Clifford 	Yeah, I can put her in the Muppet Heights sketch where she can be meaner than she ever is on Melrose Place.
Bunsen 	Oh, I don't think that's going to happen, Clifford.
Clifford 	Well, what are you trying to tell me, Dr. Dew?
Bunsen 	Well, I administered the biscotti antidote, which made her as nice as a wedding in the Bahamas on a fine spring day.
Clifford 	(does a take) –– Come here, you little casaba head! (chases him)
Nigel 	Alright, alright. Cue Muppet Heights.
Janitor (LCR)	What?
Nigel 	(shoos her) Out of the way!
==Muppet Heights==
 	Opening sequence with theme music. Johnny poses, Sal sits in a beach chair, and Bill blows bubbles.
A. Ligator 	21 Muppet Heights. Starring Johnny Fiama as Clarke Bar ... Sal as Chaz ... and Bill the Bubble Guy as Councilman William B. Guy.
 	Metropolitan headquarters, evening. Sal jogs in place. The doorbell rings.
Sal 	Ah, the doorbell. I wonder who that could be. (answers the door) Aha!
Johnny 	(enters) Oh, well, well, well. Chaz. And what are you doing here? Where is Diamanda? Where is she?
Sal 	She's in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johnny.
Johnny 	(nods) Mm. (walks up to Sal) It's not Johnny, it's Clarke, Chaz.
Sal 	Oh, okay, Clarke Chaz.
Johnny 	No, no, no, you're Chaz, I'm Clarke. Clarke Bar.
Sal 	Clarke Bar? MM, like the candy?
Johnny 	What are you talking about? It's my name. All right, forget about it. Just do your lines, Sal.
Sal 	OK, Johnny –– I mean Clarke. Chaz. –– I mean Clark.
Johnny 	Alright. Where was I? Where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Ha ha. Oh, I can't believe this. Me, the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights. And you, a successful male super model ... (raises eyebrow) ... here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. (walks to bedroom door) Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood.
 	Heather emerges in kiddie pajamas and pigtails.
Heather 	Hey, guys, look. I made mittens for everyone.
Johnny 	Mittens? What are you talking about? That ain't in the script.
Heather 	I know, but your hands look so cold.
Sal 	Excuse me, Diamanda, but I must demand that you return those incriminating photos that you took of me naked!
Heather 	Well, I have a better idea. Why don't we have a slumber party and make s'mores?
Sal 	(confused) ... OK.
Johnny 	Oh. Terrific, encourage her.
Bill 	(enters) Aha, I caught you two. And with a monkey, no less.
Johnny 	Who is this?
Bill 	I am Councilman William B. Guy. Bubbles come out of my head.
Heather 	Oh, that's precious. Can I see?
Bill 	Oh, OK. I'll blow you a deuce. (blows bubbles) Oh, goodness, what do you call 12 dozen?
 	They all look at the bubbles.
Heather 	Oh! I love bubbles! If you look real closely, you can see a tiny little rainbow in each one.
Bill 	You noticed.
Sal 	She's right, Johnny.
Johnny 	All right. All right. You know what? You know what? This whole, this whole show has gone to the back house. (exits)
Heather 	I have an idea. Why don't we brush each other's hair, and then we can play Twister!
 	Backstage, Clifford watches the show on the monitor.
Bill 	I'm in.
Sal 	OK, me too.
Clifford 	Oh, man. Look at Heather. She's getting all sweet and mushy on us.
Rizzo 	Hey, don't worry about it, Chief. I'll get Bunsen and Beaker to straighten this thing out. They can't possibly screw up twice in the same show.
Nigel 	OK, cue Tales from the Vet.
Techie (BB)	Cue Vet.
Nigel 	Cue cue cue CUE CUE CUE! (wrestles with Eugene) Get out of the way!
==Tales from the Vet==
 	Open on Phil in the lab.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Welcome to another blood-curdling episode of, TALES FROM THE VET!
 	He laughs as lightning strikes.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes. I'm doc–– (looks around) Excuse me one moment. Mulch, Mulch, Mulch!
 	Mulch appears, mumbling.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Mulch! Mulch, this music cue is going on forever.
Mulch 	(roars)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Good? Good? What's good about it? You're back there with your 8-track playing the entire Golberg variation while I'm out here rolling my eyeballs! Like that's going to scare anybody.
Mulch 	(roars, exits)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Go on and take me to the union, you creep. See what I care. Anyway ... (the music stops with a record needle drag) ... Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. I'm Dr. Phil Van Neuter, your ... friendly veterinarian. (giggles) Come with me now, as I open the files to the strangest animal stories ever told. (opens the cabinet and takes out a file) Yes, yes. Yes, it is. Oh, yes, yes. Excellent choice. Tonight's case is the chilling saga of a little piggy with an unusual appetite. His name: Percy! His passion: PORK! Don't that scare you just to even hear it? YES! ALWAYS! For this is the tale of Percy, the HAM-EATING PIG!
 	Transition to a kitchen table, where Percy the pig sits eating a ham sandwich.
Percy 	Hmm. Boy, this is good. Best sandwich I ever ate. Hmm. Hey, you know what this would go great with? Eggs. This stuff, and eggs. Hmm. Hey, I wonder where Uncle Oscar is? (shrugs, continues eating)
 	Transition back to the lab.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Needless to say, Percy loved having his family for dinner! Ha! (tosses file away) Anyway, that's it for another chilling installment of Tales from the Vet. So until next week –– Mulch, Mulch! Music!
 	The Patty Duke theme comes on.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	The theme from The Patty Duke Show?? Mulch, what does this have to do with anything we're doing here?
Mulch 	(roars, dances)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, good grief. That's the last time I hire somebody from my wife's side of the family.
 	Mulch tries to dance with Phil.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	No, I'm not going to dance. No, I'm certainly –– oh, all right, I'll dance.
 	They dance.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Okay, alright, are you happy? Mulch? Mulch, you're actually pretty good at this...
==Backstage==
 	Heather sits on a couch. Bunsen unwraps a gift from Heather.
Bunsen 	Oh, looky, Beaker! It's a throw pillow featuring the periodic table of the elements!
Heather 	I made it for you.
Bunsen 	Oh, how sweet. But we must get to the problem at hand. We are going to use hypnosis to integrate the good and evil sides of your personality.
Heather 	Cool.
Bunsen 	OK.
 	Beaker turns on a motorized circular spiral.
Bunsen 	Now, look deep. Relax. When you hear this sound ...
 	Beaker strikes a bell.
Bunsen 	... I will be speaking to the mean and nasty Heather. Beaker?
 	He strikes it again. She perks up and starts strangling Bunsen.
Bunsen 	Oh! Oh dear!
Heather 	You again, huh? Alright, here it is. You two make a pretty good living here tampering with snacks!!
Bunsen 	Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Heather 	Now, you either cut me in on the action, or I will shut you down so fast you won't know what hit you!
Bunsen 	Quick, Beakie, go back to the nice Heather!
 	Beaker strikes the bell. She switches to being nice.
Heather 	Oh ... you know who doesn't get enough credit? The Osmonds. And don't you just love the way babies' heads smell? If you could bottle it, you could make a mint.
Bunsen 	Good. Now we can begin the fun process of integrating your personalities.
Voice 	Heather Locklear, you are wanted on stage. Heather Locklear on stage for the final number.
 	They realize it's a stagehand holding his nose behind the couch.
Stagehand	Heh heh ... we, uh, couldn't afford a P.A. system. Heh heh heh ...
Heather 	Well, that's all right. You're special in your own wonderful way.
 	She gets up and heads for the stage.
Bunsen 	(stammering) Heather! You can't leave! You're still hypnotized! Oh, this is most irregular...
 	Beaker, meanwhile, has become dizzy from looking at the spiral.
==Closing number==
 	Open on a gay 90's setting. Heather strolls through a public park as Andy and Randy ride bicycles and Whatnots sit on benches.
Heather 	Oh, what a lovely day in the park. I think I could just sit here and enjoy the sun and the flowers forever.
Kermit 	Right you are, Heather. For you see...
 	He begins singing "Strolling Through the Park One Day". Inbetween lines, he taps his cane, making the same sound as the bell; every time he taps, Heather switches from good to evil to good, etc. First she pops Bean Bunny's balloon, then she trips two Whatnots, then she pulls Andy and Randy's hats over their eyes so they start swerving on their bikes.
Kermit 	Uh, are you OK back here?
Heather 	What are you looking at, green boy?
Kermit 	What?
 	Backstage, Clifford and Rizzo watch the show on a monitor.
Clifford	Ooh.
Rizzo 	Whoa! These modern dance routines are getting nuttier every day.
Clifford	I don't think that's part of the routine. I better go and check on Bunsen and Beaker. (exits)
Rizzo 	All right.
 	Meanwhile, Heather punches a hole in Bobo's straw hat and shoves it in his face. Kermit shows up and taps his cane again, continuing the song. This time she grabs a beverage and dumps it on a woman, who runs off crying. Then, she encounters two Whatnots wheeling a carriage full of bunnies, which she whacks away with her umbrella. Rizzo and Clifford continue watching.
Rizzo 	We're gonna hear from people.
Clifford	Man. (facepalms)
Kermit 	(realizes) Oh, it must be the taps! Hey, come on, guys, let's end this quickly, huh? Come on!
 	The music picks up the pace and quickly ends; Kermit taps the cane to turn Heather back to her good self. Applause.
Kermit 	Uh, thank you! (grimaces)
 	Switch to the nursing home. The movers bring the TV back.
Statler 	Hey, why are you bringing that TV back?
Movers 	It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes.
Waldorf 	We won?
Statler 	No. We lost!
 	They chuckle. Switch back to the theater, where everyone gathers for a curtain call.
Clifford	Yeah! Give it up! Give it up! (laughs)
Bunsen 	Give it up!
Clifford	Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Heather 	Hey guys, hey Clifford. Kermit and I just did the cutest little dance number. And look, I'm wearing petticoats.
Clifford	Uh, th-that's great, Heather. Uh, hey, Bun-bun, do what you gotta do.
Bunsen 	Well, Clifford, I'm afraid this case calls for the trout-and-noggin technique.
Clifford	What's the trout-and-noggin technique?
Bunsen 	Well, Beakie takes a trout and whacks her on the noggin, thusly.
 	WHACK! Heather comes to.
Heather 	Wow. I feel completely normal again ... as if my personality had been integrated by a fish.
Bunsen 	Told you so!
Clifford	Oh, man, that's great, Bun-bun! Heather, it's been nice having you on the show, uh, both of you.
Heather 	Well, thank you, Clifford. We enjoyed it.
Clifford	Say good night, Heather.
Heather 	Good night, Heather.
 	The Muppets chuckle.
Clifford	Oh, I never get tired of hearing that! Good night, everybody!
 	Applause. Andy and Randy wheel past on their bikes.
Andy 	Whoa...
Randy 	I'm gonna catch you!
Bunsen 	Careful there. Careful.
 	Randy crashes into Bobo.
==Epilogue==
{| class="transcript"
|-
| |
| In the commissary, Big Mean Carl eats from the food tray.
|-
| | Carl
| Ooh, I love this, biscotti. (munches) Ooh, I hate these chimichangas! (munches) And I love this biscotti! (munches) And I hate these chimichangas! 
|-
| |
| He eats a lamp, then an alarm clock.
|-
| | Carl
| Ooh, and I love this lamp! (eats) Ooh, I hate this alarm clock!
|-
| |
| The clock rings inside him. He bows.
|-
| | Carl
| Thank you. Thank you.
|-
| |
| The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of "Muppet Heights", "Hardy Pig Boys", and Johnny Fiama dancing.
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts