The Telltale Head/Quotes

:Marge: Homer, you embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation and today's sermon was one you should have really listened to.
:Homer: What was it about?
:Marge: Gambling.
:Homer: Oh. He didn't, by any chance, say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?
:Marge: No! Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore in front of the kids. Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
:Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
:Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
:Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
:Bart: Our teacher.
:Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
----
:Jimbo: Naw, that was cloud talk. Throwing stones is one thing but I would never cut off the head of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart?
:Bart: Uhhhh.
:Jimbo: I said, what's in the bag, Bart!
----
:Janey: Will my dog Pepper be there?
:Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
:Janey: Why not?
:Ms. Albright: Because Heaven is for people.
:Lisa: What about my cat, Snowball?
:Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no!
:Millhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
:Ms. Albright: Certainly not!
:Bart: Uh, ma'am. What if you're a really, really good person and you've been in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated? Will it be waiting for you in Heaven?
:Ms. Albright: For the last time, Bart, yes!
----
:Krusty: (grimly) There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity! If you know who cut off Jebediah's head... I don't care it's your brother, your sister, your daddy or your mommy... (cheerfully) Turn 'em in and Krusty will send you a free slide-whistle just like Sideshow Bob!!
----
:Bart: Dad, can I borrow five bucks?
:Homer: I hope you're not planning on seeing a certain movie starring certain Space Mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see. (laughs)
:Bart: (laughs) Perish the thought!
:Homer: (handing Bart five dollars) Here you go son. "Share the wealth", that's what I always say!
----
:Homer is listening to football during church
:Announcer: It's a beautiful Sunday. Perfect football weather for this incredible game. And, by the way, this game is being brought to you by the good people at Duff Beer. You can't get enough of that wonderful Duff. Now they're lining up for this crucial kick.
:Homer clasps hands together along with everyone else
:Announcer: One final tick of the clock remains. If they win, it will cap an amazing comeback, but it's a 49-yard field goal into the wind.
:Homer: Make it, make it, make it, make it, make it!
:Announcer: The kick is up. It's got the distance.
:Homer: Oh, please please please please please please please please!
:Announcer: Holy toledo, it's good!
:Homer jumps up in happiness.
:Homer: It's good! It's good! IT'S GOOD!
:Everyone stares at him.
:Homer: It's... good... to see you all in church.
:Rev. Lovejoy: Please be seated, Homer.
:Marge: Yeah, sit down, Homer.
:Afterwards
:Woman talking to Rev. Lovejoy: That was very nice, Father.
:Rev. Lovejoy: I was pleased you enjoyed it. I seemed to have struck a chord with you today, Homer.
:Homer: What? Oh yeah, you were great.
----
:Grampa: I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off!
es:The Telltale Head/Frases