Bart the Murderer/Quotes

:Bart: You ate my homework? I didn't know dogs really did that.
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:A press conference about a hijacked Laramie Cigarettes truck, to which Fat Tony is considered the chief suspect.
:Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He's the cancer, and I am the, uh... What cures cancer?
:Reporter: People have been demanding to know what will happen about the resulting tobacco shortage in Springfield.
:Chief Wiggum: I will now turn it over to a spokesman from Laramie Cigarettes.
:Laramie Spokesman: I am sorry to hear of the hijacking. To make up for this Laramie Tobacco has sent a new truck to Springfield, and the driver has been specifically instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
:Audience: YAY!
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:Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
:Ralph: I'll eat it 'til I barf!
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:Lisa: I think Bart would have really enjoyed this... But it's the only way he'll learn.
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:Skinner: Don't worry, Bart. We'll find something fun for you to do. Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the P.T.A.
:Bart: You're making me lick envelopes?
:Skinner: Licking envelopes can be fun. Just make a game of it.
:Bart: What kind of game?
:Skinner: Well, see how many you can lick in an hour. Then try to break that record.
:Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game.
:Skinner: Yes, well, get started.
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:Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
:Fat Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
:Bart: No.
:Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
:Bart: Uh uh.
:Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
:Bart: I guess that's okay.
:Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
:Bart: Hell, no!
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:Marge: You got a job? Doing what?
:Bart: Uh, I don't know. Mixing drinks, picking horses, cutting cigars.
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:Homer: What does it pay?
:Bart: Thirty bucks a week.
:Homer: I make more than that!
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:Lisa: Bart, is your boss a crook?
:Bart: I don't think so... Although it would explain an awful lot.
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:Marge: It's good he has a part-time job, but I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals!
:Homer: A job's a job. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal!
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:Groundskeeper Willie: [during an interview] Eh, well, I thought I found 'im. But it was only a cat.
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:[Groundskeeper Willie wipes the Seymour Skinner Memorial Fire Hose nameplate with a washcloth.]
:Ms. Krabappel: He loved fire drills... [starts weeping]
:Willie: [Grabs and shakes Krabappel] Will ya git a hold of yerself, lass, [slaps her] fer the wee bairns!
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:Bart's nightmare. Bart is running in an open field. An undead Skinner comes out of his grave.
:Skinner's Ghost: You killed me, Bart!
:Bart runs to a shack near a cliff and opens the door. There he sees an undead Skinner who was lynched.
:Skinner's Ghost: You killed me, Bart!
:Bart then finds himself in an unnamed prison, which has a neon sign that flashes like a discotheque
:Sign: DEATH HOUSE
:A mob of angry people have come to see Bart's execution, among them Homer.
:Homer: Yeah! Fry my boy!
:Cell. In the only quiet part of dream, a prison guard lets Reverend Lovejoy into Bart's cell.
:Bart: Reverend Lovejoy? Have you come to give me my condolences?
:Reverend Lovejoy: As a matter of tradition more than anything.
:Reverend Lovejoy pats Bart's shoulder half-heartedly.
:Reverend Lovejoy: {woodenly} There, there. There, there.
:Electric chair. Bart is strapped to electric chair and executioner pulls switch. The horror of being executed sufficiently scares Bart awake.
:Bart: AAAUUUGH!
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:Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir.
:Skinner: I don't have an appointment with any large men.
:Fat Tony: You Skinner?
:Skinner: I'm Principal Skinner, yes. And how did you get past the hall monitors?
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:Lionel Hutz: You've been his father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
:Homer: Well, not the leader... I mean... Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit!
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:Skinner: Finally I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube, and, remembering an experiment from my days as a fourth grade science teacher, I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide, dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed on to the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button and was on my way to freedom! And that's my courageous story.
:The members of the public sitting in court watching the trial stand, clap and cheer.
:District Attorney: Your honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record!
:Judge Snyder: DENIIIED! Case dismissed!
:Lionel Hutz: Your honour...d...do I still get paid?
es:Bart the Murderer/Frases