Stall's Well that Ends Well

== Description ==
A shady corporation tries to evict a supervillain from her lair, and Smith, Smythe, Smithers, and Smithson is on the case! Harper reluctantly helps with Mal's delay tactics, but a mysterious rival from Mal's past may drive Mal to extremes... 
== Synopsis ==
[synopsis]
== Show Notes ==
=== CAST ===
in order of appearance
* Sabine Novakovic-Wagner as Doctor Rota Torque
* Jodi Hansen as Process Server
* Paul Hikari as Tiny Czar’s Pizza Guy 
* Jonny Sims as the Narrator
* Mornal as Harper Hallo
* Rebecca Hanson As L.O.I.S.
* Ben Meredith as Mal Aria 
* Sam Yeow as Jasmine Green 
* Marion Toro as Bonnie Firestein
* Erin Nicole Lundquist as Cole Castillo 
* Tim Meredith as Phil Aria
* Chijioke Williams as the Judge
*
=== Show Credits ===
Story by Jaci Seelgy 
Script by Joe Cruz, Jaci Seelagy, and Rebecca Hicks 
SUPER SUITS is brought to you by Faustian Nonsense. Follow SUPER SUITS on twitter at @SuperSuitsPod, and Faustian Nonsense at @FaustNonsense. See transcripts at faustiannonsense.com/super-suits and check out our other shows at faustiannonsense.com.
SUPER SUITS is directed by Amelia Kinch and sound edited by Cai Gwilym Pritchard. The showrunner overseeing SUPER SUITS writing and production is Jaci Seelagy. All music in SUPER SUITS is by TJ Woods, you can find more of his work here.
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TRANSCRIPT 
 COLD OPEN
Setting: Warehouse in Megalopolis, early evening
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! But it’s not a superhero that needs the help today…
[Street and traffic sounds in the distance. Sound of paper rustling, the whirring sound of two security cameras moving, then the sound of an intercom system turning on.]
DR. TORQUE
[speaking through intercom]
Just leave the pizza by the door, thank you.
PROCESS SERVER
Wait, what?
DR. TORQUE
[speaking through intercom]
[louder and slower, as if speaking to someone that doesn’t speak the language]
Leeeavve, piiiiiiza, paid onliiiiiine, thank yoooooou.
PROCESS SERVER
Ma’am, I am not . . .
DR. TORQUE
[speaking through intercom]
[sigh, then normal voice]
Doctor, not ma’am. I paid online, I tipped online. 5%, you are very welcome. I appreciate that Tiny Czar’s is the only pizza place that delivers out here but I will stop ordering from you if you cannot follow my very simple instructions. Leave the pizza by the door, I am very busy, thank you.
PROCESS SERVER
I am not a pizza delivery person.
[pause, followed by whirring sound of security cameras zooming in]
DR. TORQUE
[speaking through intercom]
That is not a medium Borscht Supreme with Extra Sausage in your hands. That is . . .
[dramatic exaggerated gasp]
AN EVICTION NOTICE?!?
[sound of a heavy metal warehouse door opening]
[now speaking directly to the Process Server]
I’M BEING EVICTED?!? ME?!?
PROCESS SERVER
I am a process server, Ma’am, and I’m just here to post this notice to quit . . .
DR. TORQUE
I am not “Ma’am.” I am a doctor! Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know what kind of world-changing work I’m doing here?
PROCESS SERVER
I don’t get paid enough to care, Ma’am.
DR. TORQUE
Doctor! I am Doctor Rota Torque! I have PhD’s in Civil Engineering, Uncivil Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, Chemical Engineering, and [very dramatically] Ceramics.
PROCESS SERVER
You’re educated enough to know what “eviction notice” means, then.
DR. TORQUE
Don’t take that tone with me, young woman! I am doing world-changing work in this warehouse. World. Changing. I cannot be evicted now! I just filed for a patent!
PROCESS SERVER
Doctor, none of that really matters. The landlord of this property is evicting you.
DR. TORQUE
Why can’t I just take my work with me somewhere else, you ask? You simple-minded fool!
PROCESS SERVER
I didn’t . . . I didn’t ask. Look, it’s the end of my shift . . .
DR. TORQUE
My work, my world-changing work, IS this warehouse. It’s in the walls, the floor, the ceiling, the sink in the first floor bathroom with the chip in the right corner and a stain that I just cannot get out. The warehouse is the work. The work is the warehouse.
PROCESS SERVER
Okay, you know what? You’re not listening, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say. You have the right to consult with a lawyer and should do so promptly if you believe you have a valid defense. Your landlord may take unilateral steps . . . what are you doing?
[sound of a button being pushed and a resulting beep]
DR. TORQUE
I am showing you my work, so you may see the futility of your
[with extra derision]
eviction notice.
[humming sound of a large machine warming up]
PROCESS SERVER
I’m just serving the notice, please don’t hurt me.
[humming sound grows louder, joined by the sound of other electronic noises, and then the sound of a duck quacking, which grows into a chorus of quacking ducks]
DR. TORQUE
Behold my genius!
PROCESS SERVER
Are those . . . ducks? It sounds like ducks.
[sound of paper being thwapped against the doctor’s chest]
I am definitely not getting paid enough for this. Here is your eviction notice. Goodbye.
DR. TORQUE
[sound of Dr. Torque crumpling the paper]
You will regret this day!
[large metal warehouse door slams, dampening the sound of the giant duck machine]
[Sound of car pulling up to warehouse and footsteps of Process Server walking away. Car door opening and closing]
PIZZA GUY
[Russian accent]
Hello, I am delivering Tiny Czar’s pizza to you?
PROCESS SERVER
Just leave it by the door.
[slight pause]
She’s a lousy tipper, you know.
[continues to walk away]
PIZZA GUY
[to self]
Lousy tip better than no tip.
SCENE ONE
NARRATOR
Now listener, let’s check in with Harper Hallo, on another night shift! What does this evening have in store for them…
HARPER
Ugh, I can’t believe I’m here at 7PM. None of the other associates at school have to go in at night.
LOIS
They sound boring.
HARPER
Mr. Aria should be in by now. I’d better see what he wants me to do.
[HARPER walks to MAL’S office and opens the door to find him mid-conversation with JASMINE GREEN.]
JASMINE GREEN
Mr. Aria, I’ve been pulling all-nighters every other day for a month working on this. I need your help.
MAL
You know that I cannot promise results, Ms. Green.
JASMINE
It’s just going to take me a little bit more time to get the patent in order. This eviction is a desperate ploy by Parasol, they’re out of options. Look, non-intellectual property isn’t my specialty, can you please stall this for a while?
MAL
I’ll see what I can do.
JASMINE GREEN
Thank you so much. I owe you.
[She turns to leave and notices HARPER standing there.]
Oh, hello! Have you been there this whole time?
HARPER
Just a minute, actually.
MAL
Ah, Mx. Hallo. It’s fine, Ms. Green, they’ll be helping me out with this. I will contact you later.
JASMINE GREEN
Thanks again. Please excuse me.
[JASMINE GREEN leaves and shuts the door.]
HARPER
So we have a new case?
MAL
We certainly do.
HARPER
What is it this time?
MAL
Ms. Jasmine Green, who was just in here, is currently representing an, er, enterprising young engineer in her effort to acquire a patent on an invention of hers. She has converted the warehouse where she lives into… well, something. In any case, Parasol caught wind of it and seems to be attempting to have her evicted, which would allow them to deny her access to her work.
HARPER
Parasol? The megacorporation?
MAL
Indeed.
HARPER
Well, we can’t let them get away with that! What’s the plan?
MAL
Hmm. LOIS?
LOIS
Yes?
MAL
It’s time for a slow play.
LOIS
Oh, no. I sense a malfunction coming on. I sure hope I send everyone the correct files for this case, and not a slew of articles about Sonic the Hedgehog lore.
HARPER
What?! Oh no!
MAL
Well, isn’t that dreadful? By the way, I’m feeling so very tired, I may need a nap to properly recuperate. Reschedule my meetings please.
HARPER
Is now really the time to sleep?! LOIS is malfunctioning! Shouldn’t we call tech support or something?
MAL
I wouldn’t worry. She’ll fix herself in due time.
HARPER
How long will that take?!
LOIS
I imagine it will take until shortly after Ms. Green’s patent goes through.
[beat]
HARPER
Oh. Ohhhhh.
MAL
You’re with us?
HARPER
I think so. But that’s really our whole plan? Just stall them out? Do you not think that there’s a case here?
MAL
I’m sure I have an answer for you, but I’ll have to leaf through several books to find it.
HARPER
But… but what about--! Isn’t this a little shady? Shouldn’t we be trying to find a solution?
LOIS
Johnny Lightfoot’s tragic death at the hands of Chaos in Sonic the Comic was in some ways a solution for all the Freedom Fighters, who took it as a wake-up call. Sometimes you lose something important just when you feel you’re invincible. Which is why I’m doublechecking these 4K images of the comic before I hopefully don’t send them to the lawyers.
HARPER
Mr. Aria?!
MAL
We haven’t been asked to solve the case, Mx. Hallo. We’ve been asked to buy time. Now, since you’re so motivated to find a more permanent solution, you’re welcome to try — just do it slowly. Come up with as many motions as possible, make requests for discovery on every single thing you can. Take every available excuse for a delay. Understood?
HARPER
[reluctant]
Yes sir, Mr. Aria.
MAL
Good. I’m going to start with a motion to dismiss. LOIS, you keep reading up on… whatever Sonic is.
LOIS
By harnessing the power of the seven Chaos Emeralds, Sonic can enter a Super State, transforming him into Super Sonic. Easily his most used transformation, Super Sonic is one of Sonic's strongest forms. In this state, all of Sonic's abilities far surpass his normal ones. He is also able to fly and is nearly invulnerable.
MAL
Very good. To work, everyone!
SCENE TWO
HARPER
Ms. Firestein! Ms. Castillo!
BONNIE
Hey, Harper.
COLE
You okay, rookie? You’ve got that determined look in your eye that tells me it’s gonna be a long night shift.
HARPER
It’s this latest case Mr. Aria, LOIS, and I are working. I think there’s a legitimate chance of our client winning, but Mr. Aria won’t listen, he just wants to stall it out. And LOIS… well…
[Clears their throat.]
LOIS? Can you tell me when the first meeting with opposing counsel is?
LOIS
Can you please hold off your request? I’m moderating a forum. We’re trying to have a productive conversation about Miles “Tails” Prower and a bunch of goons are talking about Sanc the HogHog. I don’t know where they all came from but they’re very, very passionate!
HARPER
See?
COLE
Ah, yeah, we’ve seen this before. A classic slow play! Count yourself lucky that LOIS is just talking about nerd shit.
BONNIE
Yeah, last time we needed to stall she decided to get really, really into astrology. She said some… cutting stuff.
LOIS
That wasn’t me. That was the planets.
HARPER
So you’re telling me that this is… normal?
COLE
Well, it’s not the most common way to deal with things, but yeah. It’s definitely not weird.
HARPER
But won’t the client be angry if they find out we’re not putting effort into the case?
BONNIE
You are putting effort into it — just not the kind of effort you normally would. Work smarter, not harder.
COLE
Besides, you’re not gonna get in trouble for doing what Mal wants. Don’t stress about it.
BONNIE
Yeah. Mal’s approach is weird sometimes, but he gets results.
COLE
Well, unless he’s up against Phil.
BONNIE
True, but that’s an edge case.
HARPER
Sorry, who’s Phil? What happens if Mal goes up against him?
BONNIE
It’s nothing you have to worry about.
COLE
Yeah! Just keep an ear out for that name, and if you don’t hear it, know that everything’s fine.
HARPER
… and if I do hear it?
COLE
Then emotionally prepare yourself to keep Mal out of jail.
HARPER
JAIL?! WHAT?!
BONNIE
Whoa, whoa! Calm down, Cole’s exaggerating!
COLE
Well —
BONNIE
Cole’s exaggerating!
HARPER
But —
BONNIE
Nobody’s named anyone named Phil for this case yet, right?
HARPER
Uh, no, I don’t think so?
BONNIE
So it’s fine!
HARPER
But what if —
BONNIE
It’s fine.
COLE
Look, just do whatever Mal says. He may be a weirdo, but he knows what he’s doing. I promise you’re not shirking your duties or whatever by stalling.
HARPER
… it really does feel that way, though.
BONNIE
It might, but that’s not what’s happening. Part of being a lawyer is knowing when to do things by the book and when to throw the book out, and that’s the kind of thing you learn from listening to someone experienced.
COLE
Trust your predecessors on this one, kid. We’ve been successfully pulling stuff like this since before you were born.
BONNIE
Well, Mal has. Cole and I aren’t quite that old.
HARPER
… okay. Okay, yeah. I’ll try it his way.
BONNIE
Awesome.
COLE
And don’t worry about Phil. There’s no way he’s gonna show up.
BONNIE
Yeah! I mean, what’re the odds of that?
[beat]
HARPER
This has not made me feel better.
SCENE THREE
HARPER
Hello, Mr. Aria. How’s the case going?
MAL
The motion to dismiss failed, unfortunately but unsurprisingly.
LOIS
What’s next on the docket?
MAL
We’ll need to demand discovery of every flavor. Proof Parasol owns the property, proof of when they came to own it, proof of any mail sent there, exact blueprints, et cetera. Oh, and we’ll need a deposition from both the employee who originally acquired the property and the builder of the warehouse.
LOIS
Oh no, it’s been 100 years since the warehouse was built. They’re probably dead.
MAL
Are you sure? We should check very thoroughly. That may take some time.
LOIS
Force them to dig into long-forgotten paperwork, certainly. I shall schedule the next deposition for Tuesday at 9AM. It’s too bad one of the witnesses has a doctor’s appointment at that exact date and time.
MAL
Marvelous. Make sure to schedule a settlement conference and then cancel it ten minutes before it starts.
LOIS
Ah, the old “Court ‘n Abort.” It’s good to go back to the classics.
MAL
We should come up with some countersuits as well. We can accuse Parasol of not maintaining the property, absolving Dr. Torque of her responsibility to pay rent. She hasn’t been, but that’ll buy us some time…
HARPER
Speaking of Dr. Torque, did you ever figure out what she invented that’s so exciting for the patent lawyers?
MAL
That matters less than the mysterious evidence I’m going to discover that Dr. Torque secretly owns the property after all, which means we’ll need to launch an investigation. That’ll drive Phil ‘round the bend…
HARPER
[very nervous]
Sorry, did you just say Phil?
MAL
Oh, and find me an expert on soil toxicity. A toxic torts countersuit should slow them down nicely…
HARPER
What does that have to do with anything? And, um, hey, what was that about Phil?
LOIS
Phil is the name of our opposing counsel.
HARPER
For this case?
LOIS
Obviously.
HARPER
Oh! Cool. Great.
LOIS
And as for the toxicity claim, Parasol has been dumping toxic waste in public landfills for years. Some of it has had some…interesting… side effects.
MAL
Yes, they’ll think we’re onto something and stall for us while they investigate.
LOIS
Might I suggest you claim the toxic waste is causing children to grow extra eyeballs on their elbows, and causing adults to only be able to speak in a scream?
HARPER
…Why does that sound familiar?
LOIS
Something quite similar was reported recently in HoSo.
HARPER
That’s real?
MAL
Perfect! They’ll have to check to make sure that chemical didn’t end up in the warehouse district, too.
HARPER
Wait, Parasol actually did that? Shouldn’t we… you know, do something?
MAL
That isn’t our case. Stay focused, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Um, right. Sorry.
MAL
When is the next court date?
LOIS
We’re supposed to be in on Wednesday.
MAL
We may need to have an emergency that morning, then. There’s precedent that a continuance will be granted automatically under certain circumstances, like a takeover of the law office by a hostile entity. … LOIS? Feel like playing villain?
LOIS
Always.
MAL
Excellent. Well, that’s all I have. Mx. Hallo, anything to add?
HARPER
Uh, yeah, actually. What about adverse possession? She might actually have a chance with that. She’s been at the warehouse for 12 years and using the property without them kicking her off. She’s got squatter’s rights, right?
MAL
Sure. We need to drown Phil’s smug face under a tidal wave of legal motions, so you’re welcome to add any idea you have to the pile.
HARPER
But—but we can actually win with this strategy. Look, the elements all line up.
First is Actual possession: Dr. Torque has been on the premises and using them.
Exclusive: She’s been keeping it locked down like a bunker and aside from a few minions, it’s clearly not shared with Parasol or the public.
Open and Notorious: Dr. Torque’s branding is all over the bunker. She has a sculpture of herself made out of wrenches in front of the place with a labeled plaque in front of it. All it would take to discover the possession is one visit from Parasol.
Adverse/Hostile: Both Parasol and Dr. Torque agree that she is trespassing.
Continuous: She’s lived there and kept her inventions and lair thingies on site the whole time.
Statutory time period: It’s 10 years in Megalopolis and she’s been occupying the spot for 12.
It all lines up!
MAL
Hmm. Yes, they’ll buy that. That’ll take a while to sort out. Start putting a brief together.
HARPER
I… yes, sir.
SCENE FOUR
NARRATOR
So late that night that it’s actually morning…
[apartment door opens and closes as Harper gets home]
HAZEL
Wow, you were out late.
HARPER
[tired, distracted]
Night shift.
HAZEL
Oh right, vamp boss.
HARPER
What about you? You’re still in Cherub gear!
HAZEL
Again, not still. Another rift.
HARPER
That seems to be happening a lot!
HAZEL
Yep! It’s all great practice. I’m getting pretty good at fighting off sentient mushrooms!
HARPER
That’s good! Always be learning!
HAZEL
[affectionate]
Nerd. What about you?
[teasing]
Learning a lot?
HARPER
Oh, you know, helping…someone…get a patent on…something.
[beat]
HAZEL
Sounds thrilling.
HARPER
You’d be surprised, actually! I’m just tired. Hey, question.
[beat]
HAZEL
Were you…gonna ask it?
HARPER
Shut up, I’m tired. Remember that thing you were telling me about with the eyeball elbows?
HAZEL
And the screaming?
HARPER
Yeah. Did you figure out what was causing it?
HAZEL
I don’t think so. That’s more Ratman’s gig, really.
HARPER
Well. You didn’t hear it from me, but… Ratman may want to look into Parasol’s waste dumping practices.
HAZEL
[surprised]
I’ll let him know. Client of yours?
HARPER
What? No! Our client is– well, I don’t actually know what our client is doing. But they aren’t doing that, at least.
HAZEL
Hey, no judgment. That’s good intel. Get some sleep! I gotta go–
HARPER
Fight sentient mushrooms?
HAZEL
Feral llamas.
HARPER
Yikes. Good luck!
HAZEL
Yeah, you too, bigshot lawyer!
SCENE FIVE
HARPER
Ms. Firestein! Ms. Castillo! Question!
COLE
What’s up?
HARPER
Remember that talk we had the other day? About that patent case I’m working with Mr. Aria?
BONNIE
Yeah.
HARPER
Well, you said I didn’t have to worry about anything unless the opposing counsel was Phil, right?
COLE
Yep.
HARPER
Okay, well, the opposing counsel is Phil.
[beat]
Any advice?
BONNIE
… good luck!
HARPER
That’s it?
COLE
Look, kid, there’s no stopping an avalanche once it’s started.
BONNIE
Just keep your head down, keep doing what Mr. Aria says, and be prepared to pay his bail if you need to.
HARPER
Keep doing what he says? But I thought this is when I was supposed to stop listening to him, because this is when he doesn’t get results?
COLE
No, no, no. Results don’t matter now. Now the only thing that matters is preserving your life. Which means you do whatever you have to do to avoid pissing Mal off any worse.
HARPER
… guys, I don’t really like this case.
BONNIE
Well, we believe in you!
NARRATOR
And so the quest to stall Parasol begins!
[cue montage music]
JUDGE
Alright. I’d like to call to order the scheduling conference in the case of Parasol v. Torque. Present today we have myself, the honorable Judge Leslie Feiner, the defendant, Dr. Rota Torque, counsel for the defense, Malcolm Aria and Harper Hallo, and counsel for the plaintiff, Phillip Aria.
HARPER
Sorry, Aria?
MAL
[bitter]
Yes, Phil is my brother.
HARPER
Your brother?
PHIL
You didn’t even tell your law student? Typical.
JUDGE
Settle down, gentlemen. Now, we’re here today to decide the schedule for the lawsuit. I usually like to start this meeting by asking if anybody has any conflicts that we should avoid when choosing important dates?
MAL
Yes, Your Honor. I’ve actually brought a list of our prior engagements for your convenience.
[large thunk of a very heavy binder being dropped on a table]
HARPER
Thank you for coming–
PHIL
Again.
HARPER
I know we haven’t had the best luck this…month…
HARPER
I’m sure Mr. Aria will be here any minute. Uh, the conference room is this way…
PHIL
Mr. Michael Adams is here for a deposition. If the deposition doesn’t happen today, I’ll be contacting the judge. Again.
HARPER
Oh I’m sure it’ll happen! This one’s been rescheduled twice, I’m certain Mr. Aria wouldn’t change it again unless there was a real emergency–
LOIS
[absurdly dramatic]
Oh, no, Mx. Hallo, come quick! It’s an emergency!
PHIL
[unsurprised]
Sounds right.
DR. TORQUE
You simply have to understand what my work is going to do. I —
[phone rings]
Oh, sorry. I thought I’d turned it off, I'll do that now.
JUDGE
That’s alright. Please proceed.
DR. TORQUE
Yes, so —
[phone rings again]
Okay, that’s weird.
MAL
Mx. Hallo, do you have a pen handy?
HARPER
Yes, sir!
MAL
Please note down that I’d like to add a medium to the list of witnesses.
HARPER
A medium?
MAL
Yes, to check the warehouse for ghosts.
LOIS
It’s Mr. Aria! The…other…Mr. Aria! Malcolm Aria!
PHIL
Yes, we know who he is.
LOIS
It’s his vampire side, it’s taking over! He’s losing control!
PHIL
1000 
His…vampire side. Yes, of course.
HARPER
That does sound serious! I know radioactive bug bites can have some unexpected side effects…
PHIL
Let me guess, you have a cousin.
HARPER
I have a cousin.
[phone ringing ongoing]
JUDGE
Dr. Torque, please —
DR. TORQUE
It’s off! I don’t know how it’s still ringing!
MAL
Obviously we cannot work under these conditions.
PHIL
She can just put the phone outside.
MAL
Well, I for one will not be able to concentrate until I know why the phone keeps ringing!
LOIS
[smug]
A mystery indeed.
PHIL
And that is why I believe that —
[sound of crash from outside]
HARPER
What was that?!
[door opening, Cole comes in]
COLE
Bonnie’s fallen and broken her leg! Mal, we need you to drive her to the hospital!
PHIL
Are you kidding me?!
LOIS
[normal, drama gone]
I’m afraid we won’t be able to have the meeting as scheduled, Mr. Aria.
PHIL
No, of course not.
HARPER
I should go check on Mr. Aria!
NARRATOR
Moments later, in the basement office of one out-of-control, mosquito-bitten bloodsucking lawyer…
HARPER
[knocks]
Mr. Aria?
[creeping door creak]
Mr. Aria it’s me, Harper Hallo…
MAL
[writing sounds, paper turning, stapler]
[bland, bored sounding tone]
Mx. Hallo. Oh, thank god you came. Help.
HARPER
What?
MAL
I’ve lost control. My bloodlust. It’s too much, I can’t handle it, you have to help me…
HARPER
Um… I’m just gonna…
[Harper’s footsteps as they leave hesitantly]
PHIL
Obviously you are not going to take her to the hospital! You can’t drive, Mal!
MAL
Perhaps I’ve learned!
PHIL
I am not canceling this meeting until you tell me what all the letters on the gearshift stand for.
MAL
[smug]
Trick question. There’s no part of the car called the gearshift.
COLE
We really can’t delay! She’s gonna lose her leg!
MAL
Oh, add a fortune teller as well.
HARPER
… why?
MAL
To see if anyone will die in the house. Also to have them check when the next accident on I-86 will be, we’ll schedule our next meeting for that day.
PHIL
Ah, you’re back. Still canceled?
LOIS
[dramatic again]
It’s horrible, he’s out of control! There’s so much blood, blood everywhere!
HARPER
Um, I’m sorry Mr. Adams, it looks like we’re going to have to reschedule. Again.
PHIL
[sigh]
He used to pull this exact thing to get out of family dinner.
HARPER
I’m…really sorry…
SCENE SIX
NARRATOR
Eventually, even repeat cancellations and playacted monstrosity can’t delay the inevitable, and a litigator will have to go to court! Where they just might encounter an especially handsome court stenographer…
[walking and talking]
MAL
Hearing starts in a few minutes, you’ll be joining me, Mx. Hallo. The toxic tort claim bought us some time, but they’ve freed up enough resources to deal with this simultaneously. They must really want Torque’s tech…
HARPER
Again, what exactly is her machine? I heard something about ducks?
MAL
That’s not our business. We just need to buy time. So, we’re here.
HARPER
Um, what hearing is this? I’ve lost track of what’s been canceled…
MAL
We’re bringing the adverse possession claim to the judge.
HARPER
[pleased]
Oh! Really? You’re using my idea?
MAL
[grouchy but grudgingly impressed]
It was a serviceable idea. But we need this one to work, at least long enough for the patent lawyers to finish working their magic. I’m running out of delay tactics, and the judge will step in if I keep pushing Phil.
HARPER
I really do think this could work!
MAL
Well if it does, you’ll know as soon as I do. You’re coming up front with me.
HARPER
Oh, are you sure? Usually I watch from the back.
MAL
You’ve done the legwork on this, you should be next to me when I present it.
HARPER
Well thank you! I won’t let you down!
[courtroom doors open, sounds of a small crowd]
HARPER
[whispering]
Uh, Mr. Aria? Why do you and the court stenographer always glare at each other?
MAL
[grouchy]
He knows what he did.
HARPER
But…I don’t?
PHIL
Malcolm.
MAL
Phillip.
PHIL
Adverse possession? Really?
JUDGE
Gentlemen, please remember that you’re on the record. A little decorum, if you would.
PHIL
I am the soul of decorum, Your Honor.
MAL
I shall be as civil as my brother is.
JUDGE
[sigh]
Very well. Mr. Phillip Aria, would you like to start?
PHIL
Ms. Torque is —
MAL
Objection, Your Honor.
PHIL
Seriously?!
JUDGE
[deep sigh]
Yes, Mr. Aria?
MAL
As we are supposedly exercising decorum today, I would appreciate if Mr. Aria would refer to my client by her proper term of address. She is Doctor Torque. With doctorates in Civil Engineering, Uncivil Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, Chemical Engineering, and Ceramics.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
MAL
[annoyed]
Which part?
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
Doctorates in…?
MAL
Civil Engineering, Uncivil Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, Chemical Engineering, and Ceramics.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
Uncivil?
MAL
That’s what I said, yes.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
I just wanted to be certain. You know, avoid any further complaints.
MAL
Your transcript quoted me completely incorrectly!
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
My transcript was accurate, you simply disliked the results of the trial. I did not create the statute of limitations…
MAL
It was not accurate! I showed you three separate points, regarding Ms. Tarzana De Novo–
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
If there are any errors in any transcription of your speech, regarding Ms. De Novo or otherwise, it’s because of that ridiculous accent of yours! It’s impossible to understand!
PHIL
Your Honor, could we please get on with this? We have lost enough time already–
MAL
Lost time? Are you accusing me of something?
PHIL
Like what? Of falsifying emergencies, dodging meetings, and bringing frivolous countersuits–
JUDGE
[stern, everybody shut up]
Misters Aria!
[clears throat]
I, too, would like to hear the actual arguments we’ve all come here for. Phillip. As you were saying. Please refer to the other Mr. Aria’s client with her due respect.
PHIL
Yes, Your Honor. As I was saying, Dr. Torque is trespassing, and Parasol is evicting her so they can make use of their legally owned land once more. It’s a simple case, and the fact that it’s lasted as long as it has is laughable.
MAL
I’m not laughing.
PHIL
You never are.
MAL
Your Honor, Parasol has hardly been acting in good faith throughout this process. But that isn’t what I’m here to discuss today.
JUDGE
Yes, by all means, please get to it.
MAL
[clears throat]
Your Honor, my client has been making good use of Parasol’s land, yes, as a trespasser, for 12 years. Making improvements. Inventing new technology. And Parasol has never made any eviction attempts before now.
PHIL
Here it comes.
MAL
Adverse possession, Your Honor! She fulfills all the elements.
PHIL
Of all the desperate ploys!
MAL
Desperate!
PHIL
Your Honor, my brother resurrected this law from an ancient crypt! It’s an antique!
MAL
It is good law.
PHIL
It’s vintage, certainly. Exactly what I’d expect a relic like you to bring to court.
JUDGE
Misters Aria! Malcolm, make your argument.
MAL
As I was saying… Dr. Torque fulfills all six elements of adverse possession. She has actual possession of the property, exclusive–it is closed to the public, and to Parasol–and open and notorious.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
I’m sorry, open and what?
MAL
[annoyed]
Notorious.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
Moratorium?
MAL
Notorious.
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
Ah, noxious.
JUDGE
[warning tone]
Mr. Rapaport
MAL
As I said, her presence on the property is open and notorious. I have photographs of the bunker, her branding on the outside as well as inside, there is even a wrench statue of her out front.
PHIL
I’m sorry, is his supervillain client’s tackiness supposed to help his case?
MAL
Parasol must have either known she was there or not visited their property once in 12 years. It’s material.
JUDGE
Agreed, please continue.
MAL
Her possession of the property has been adverse, all parties here agree she has been trespassing.
PHIL
[groans]
This is ridiculous!
MAL
And her presence has been continuous! She’s lived there, kept her inventions, her equipment, her property there, throughout the time period in question. And that time period has been longer than the statutory time–
NARRATOR AS STENOGRAPHER
Sorry did you say statute of limitations?
MAL
[snaps]
That’s it!
[sounds of scrambling and someone getting punched, then gavel strike]
HARPER
Oh no!
JUDGE
Mr. Aria! That is it! Bailiff, please cuff this man, maybe some time in a cell will calm you down.
[sounds of walking and handcuffs]
HARPER
Oh god…They did say I’d need to keep him out of jail…
NARRATOR
There you have it, folks! If you pick a fight with a model of such perfection as Megalopolis’s premier court stenographer Kurt Rapaport, you get thrown in the slammer! What’s next for our Malcolm Aria?
SCENE SEVEN
[barred jail door opening]
NARRATOR
It would seem that what’s next is a visit in a courthouse cell from his young protege!
HARPER
Mr. Aria?
MAL
[suspiciously calm]
Ah, young Hallo. First time visiting the cells?
HARPER
Um. Yes. I take it it’s not your first time in one?
MAL
Not exactly.
HARPER
Mr. Aria, what’s going to happen next?! Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo tried to warn me, they said if Phil was opposing counsel… but I wasn’t expecting you to punch the stenographer! I was kind of expecting you to punch Phil!
MAL
Yes, well, the statute of limitations is something of a sore point for me, as is Phil’s idiotic face. But it’s fine. Kurt will forgive me, he always does. I’ll buy him a pint.
HARPER
You really don’t like your brother, huh?
MAL
I do not.
HARPER
Did something happen?
MAL
I don’t believe that is any of your business, young Hallo.
HARPER
Right, of course, sorry! But what about… You got held in contempt! What about the case? Don’t you need to get out of here? Finish the argument?
JASMINE
Ah, Aria, good! I heard Phil was opposing counsel so I thought I might find you here.
HARPER
How often does this happen?
JASMINE
Good news! You did it! You ran out the clock!
MAL
Ah, excellent.
JASMINE
Dr. Torque is all set with her patent. I’ve already filed for an injunction to keep Parasol from claiming the prototype as their own, and we’ve arranged movers to extract the product…
HARPER
Yeah, what exactly is the product?
JASMINE
We can take it from here! Thank you for stalling the eviction.
MAL
Excellent. Well I was happy to be of help, Jasmine. I’ll go ahead and pay my fine and get out of here, then!
HARPER
Wait, that’s it?
MAL
Mx. Hallo, you can head back to the office. Tell LOIS it’s Code Albuquerque, she can cancel the arsonist.
HARPER
…The what?
NARRATOR
Might want to hurry with that message, Mx. Hallo! And you, Malcolm Aria, owe a certain handsome someone a pint!
We'll see you again soon listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!