Transcripts/The Pancake Batter Anomaly

==Season 1 - Episode 11 - The Pancake Batter Anomaly==
Scene 	The living room of Apartment 4A, daytime. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally, he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.
Sheldon 	Checkmate.
Leonard 	O-o-o-o-h! Again?
Sheldon 	Obviously you're not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed.
Leonard 	Just reset the board.
Sheldon 	It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. (Gestures at the many levels of the board.)
Penny 	(Knocking and entering) Hi guys.
Leonard 	Hey!
Penny 	Did you get my mail.
Leonard 	Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?
Penny 	Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon 	From the data at hand you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny 	Boy, it's good to be back.
Leonard 	How was your family?
Penny 	Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.
Sheldon 	Sick?
Leonard 	(Knowing what's going to happen) Here we go.
Sheldon 	(Running to opposite side of the room) What kind of sick?
Penny 	Oh, the flu I guess.
Sheldon 	I don't need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny 	Maybe Friday.
Sheldon 	Friday, was that morning or afternoon?
Penny 	I... I don't...
Sheldon 	Think woman, who blew their nose and when?
Leonard 	Sheldon, relax, she doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious.
Sheldon 	Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Leonard 	Penny, you'll have to excuse Sheldon, he's a bit of a germophobe.
Penny 	Oh, it's okay, I understand.
Sheldon 	Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.
Leonard 	You'd better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.
Penny 	Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.
Leonard 	No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)
Sheldon 	What?
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The kitchen of Apartment 4A night time. Sheldon is busy doing something scientific. There is a lot of scientific paraphernalia strewn across the table. Leonard comes in.
Leonard 	What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon 	I'm making petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard 	(confusedly) With lime jello?
Sheldon 	I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat. (opens his mouth)
Leonard 	I don't think so.
Sheldon 	Leonard! If I'm going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what's growing in my throat. (opens his mouth again)
Leonard 	Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.
Sheldon 	We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.
Leonard 	Sheldon, don't you think you're overreacting?
Sheldon 	When I'm lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. (opens his mouth yet again, insistently)
Leonard 	(annoyed) I'm going back to bed.
Sheldon 	Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard 	What for?
Sheldon 	I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard 	(angry) I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon 	No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard 	You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon 	It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard 	Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom, early morning. Sheldon wakes up and coughs heavily. He picks up an electronic thermometer, sticks it in his ear, and takes his temperature.
Sheldon 	(Examining the results) Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I'm sick!
 	Cut to Leonard entering the living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put on a pair of trousers.
Sheldon 	(Voice off) Leonard! Leonard I'm sick!
 	Leonard grabs his jacket and keys and leaves through the front door, closing it as quietly as possible, right before...
Sheldon 	(Entering, wrapped in his duvet) Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. (Drops his duvet) Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow!
Leonard 	(Voice on phone) Hey.
Sheldon 	Leonard, where are you?
Leonard 	(Running down stairs) I'm at work.
Sheldon 	At six-thirty in the morning?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	On Sunday?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	Why?
Leonard 	They asked me to come in.
Sheldon 	Well, I didn't hear the phone ring.
Leonard 	They texted me.
Sheldon 	Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
Leonard 	No kidding?
Sheldon 	No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Leonard 	Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Sheldon 	What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?
Leonard 	Drink whatever you want.
Sheldon 	I want soup.
Leonard 	Then make soup.
Sheldon 	We don't have soup.
Leonard 	I'm at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)
Sheldon 	Is that a dog?
Leonard 	Yes,
Sheldon 	In the lab?
Leonard 	Yes, they're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go.
Scene 	Howard’s bedroom. Howard is fast asleep. The phone starts ringing.
Howard's Mother	(Voice) Howard, it's the phone!
Howard 	(Irritated) I know it's the phone, Ma, I hear the phone.
Howard's Mother	Well who's calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard 	I don't know.
Howard's Mother	Well ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour.
Howard 	How can I ask them when I'm talking to you! (Answers the phone) Hello?
Leonard 	Howard, it's Leonard, code Milky Green.
Howard 	Dear Lord, not Milky Green!
Leonard 	Affirmative, with fever.
Howard's Mother	Who's on the phone.
Howard 	It's Leonard.
Howard's Mother	Why is he calling.
Howard 	Sheldon's sick.
Howard's Mother	Were you playing with him?
Howard 	For God's sake, Ma, I'm twenty six years old.
Howard's Mother	Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast.
Howard 	Chocolate milk and eggoes please!
Leonard 	Howard, listen to me.
Howard 	Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard 	(Voice) No, don't, don't....
Howard 	Hello.
Sheldon 	Howard, I'm sick.
Howard 	(Imitating his mother’s voice) Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon 	I need soup.
Howard 	Then call your own mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon.
Leonard 	I tried to stop you.
Howard 	It's my own fault, I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of ’06.
Leonard 	You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours.
Howard 	Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over?
Howard's Mother	I just had the carpets steamed.
Howard 	That's a negatory. But there's a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today.
Leonard 	Five movies, two hours apiece. It's a start.
Scene 	The Cheesecake Factory
Waitress 	Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen.
Penny 	No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon 	I'm sick, thank you very much.
Penny 	How could you have gotten it from me, I'm not sick.
Sheldon 	You're a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You're doomed!
Penny 	Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon 	I want soup.
Penny 	(Over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance) Why didn't you just.... (louder throat clearance) Why didn't you just have soup at home.
Sheldon 	Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?
Penny 	You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon 	I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.
Penny 	Okay, what kind of soup do you want.
Sheldon 	Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home-made croutons.
Penny 	We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.
Sheldon 	Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green?
Scene 	The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks.
Howard 	Look at this, everyone went chimp.
Raj 	Well I'd like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down. (Phone rings).
Leonard 	Oh, hi Penny!
Penny 	Hey, where are you?
Leonard 	I'm... uh... at work.
Penny 	You sound funny.
Leonard 	I'm... uh... in a... I'm in a radiation suit. What's up?
Penny 	Yeah, well I'm at work too, and you'll never guess who's here infecting my entire station.
Leonard 	(To Howard and Raj) Sheldon's at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home.
Penny 	He won't leave, he says he's afraid he'll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs.
Leonard 	(To Howard and Raj) He's paranoid, and he's established a nest.
Penny 	Can you please come get him?
Leonard 	Uh, yeah, I'd be... I'd be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there's a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty.
Raj 	You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn)
Howard 	Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape.
Scene 	The stairwell.
Sheldon 	Thanks for bringing me home.
Penny 	Oh, it's okay, I didn't really need to work today, it's not like I have rent or car payments or anything.
Sheldon 	Good. Good.
Penny 	Okay, well, you feel better.
Sheldon 	Wait, where are you going?
Penny 	Um, home, to write some bad checks.
Sheldon 	You're going to leave me?
Penny 	Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon 	Well, of course, but, not by myself.
Penny 	Really, never?
Sheldon 	Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny 	Studying abroad?
Sheldon 	No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Penny 	And there was no-one there to take care of you?
Sheldon 	No. No, my mom had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again.
Penny 	Again?
Sheldon 	It was tornado season. And it was an aluminum house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”
Penny 	What does that mean?
Sheldon 	Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”
Penny 	Okay, sweetie, I'll take care of you, what do you need?
Sheldon 	Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths.
Penny 	Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas.
Sheldon 	Agreed.
Scene 	The cinema.
Raj 	Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness.
Leonard 	Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I'm blind here guys, can you help me find them?
Howard 	Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found ‘em.
Leonard 	Oh great.
Howard 	Sorry, don’t you have a spare.
Leonard 	Yeah, at home.
Raj 	Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard 	Unless Sheldon’s there, in which case you’ll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.
Leonard 	(Dials phone) Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He’s home, I’m screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness.
Raj 	How about Lasic?
Leonard 	You want me to get eye surgery?
Raj 	Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?
Howard 	Well?
Leonard 	I’m thinking!
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny 	Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.
Sheldon 	Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.
Penny 	Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?
Sheldon 	Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.
Penny 	But Sheldon….
Sheldon 	Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Penny 	I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Sheldon 	No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.
Penny 	Sorry.
Sheldon 	Can you sing “Soft Kitty”.
Penny 	What?
Sheldon 	My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny 	I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it.
Sheldon 	I'll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you.
Penny 	(After a loud sigh) Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon 	Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny 	(Through gritted teeth) Little ball of fur.
Scene 	The living room door, a fiber-optic camera emerges from underneath. We see the scene from its point of view. Cut to outside. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door.
Leonard 	What do you see, what do you see.
Raj 	The living room appears to be empty.
Leonard 	Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal.
Howard 	I'm not going in there.
Leonard 	Raj?
Raj 	No way, Jose.
Leonard 	Well I can't do it, I can't see anything.
Howard 	It's all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We'll be your eyes.
Leonard 	Fine.
Howard 	One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
Leonard 	Won't my footsteps set it off?
Howard 	No, you'll be on your hands and knees. Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
Leonard 	Well, how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
 	Cut to Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth.
Howard 	Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true.
Leonard 	What?
Howard 	It means go straight.
Leonard 	Then just say go straight.
Howard 	You don't stay go straight when you're giving bearings, you say keep true.
Leonard 	Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just hit my head.
Howard 	Because you didn't keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right.
Raj 	The... the picture's breaking up.
Howard 	Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That's it, now just keep true. Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard 	It wasn't on?
Howard 	No.
Leonard 	Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard 	Oh, I guess you didn't.
Leonard 	Okay, it's on.
Howard 	Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard 	I know.
Howard 	Hang on, the sensor's picking up something, turn your head back. (Camera angle shows a pair of female legs.)
Penny 	You rat bastard.
Howard 	(Running down stairs with Raj) Told you the sensor would work.
Leonard 	Hi!
Penny 	You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Leonard 	Well, I had to, you see what he's like.
Sheldon 	(Off) Penny! Penny, I'm hungry.
Penny 	Uh, it's okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard's home!
Leonard 	No!
Penny 	(Handing him vaporub) Here you go, good luck, bye.
Leonard 	W-wait!
Sheldon 	Leonard, I'm hungry!
Leonard 	Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.)
Sheldon 	I want grilled cheese.
 	Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his forehead.
Sheldon 	Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard 	I don't think Penny's ever coming here again.
Sheldon 	I'm very congested.
Leonard 	Yeah, so?
Sheldon 	Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.
Leonard 	If I stand, I'll vomit.
Sheldon 	Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)