Episode 119: Vincent Price/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 119: Vincent Price.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Vincent Price! Woo!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey! I once met a vampire who was so rich, he lived in a split-level coffin.
 	The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Vincent Price!
 	Vincent is surrounded by Muppet Monsters.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.
==Opening Number==
 	Main Stage. Kermit enters
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you, thank you and good evening, and welcome to a very unusual edition of The Muppet Show. Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight. (Bats fly behind him) You probably can already tell, be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price! So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness...
 	
 	Fozzie pies him in the face, then wiggles his ears
Fozzie 	Ha ha!
Kermit 	Or at least not much of it. Let the scariness begin.
 	
 	Behemoth croons "I've Got You Under My Skin" as he eats a terrified Shakey Sanchez. At the end, Shakey, accepting his fate, sings a verse of "Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)."
Statler	Ohh! That number scared the pants off me.
Waldorf	Are you sure you didn't just forget to put 'em on again?
==Backstage==
Kermit 	OK, stand by for the house of horror sketch.
 	Shakey walks by in the background
Kermit 	(To Shakey): Calm down, back there,
 	Scooter enters
Scooter 	Hey, boss.
Kermit 	Hm, What?
Scooter 	There's someone here wanting to audition.
Kermit 	OK, Who is he?
Scooter 	Well, it's not exactly a he.
Scooter 	OK, Who is she?
Kermit 	Well, it's not exactly a she.
Kermit 	Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities, would you please explain yourself?
Scooter 	Well, it's sort of a they.
Kermit 	You mean there's more than one?
Scooter 	Not really.
Kermit 	(addressing audience): This gofer is about to become a gone-fer. (yells at Scooter): Scooter, what are you talking about?
Scooter 	Uh, that.
 	Scooter points out Tom, Dick and Harry
 	
Tom, Dick, and Harry	(In unison) Hi, Mr. Frog, can we be on your show?
Kermit 	Good grief, it's a triple-header.
 	Kermit exits
Tom 	I'm going back to the dressing room.
Harry 	I'm going to the makeup room.
Dick 	I'll wait here.
 	The three pull in different directions
==House of Horror==
 	
 	Main stage. Hilda is on the proscenium
Hilda 	In honor of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction. (Echo) We take you now to Transylvania, to a high and brooding hill, we take you now to the house of horror.
 	She screams and runs off stage. Curtain opens revealing aforementioned house on the hill. The camera closes in on the house as it's gate opens, transitioning to the interior. Fozzie and Gonzo enter from behind the camera
Fozzie 	Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of this summer cottage you rented for us.
Gonzo 	Yeah, I don't understand it, The ad looked so good in the paper.
Fozzie 	What paper was that?
Gonzo 	The Wampire Veekly.
Fozzie 	The Wampire Veekly?
Gonzo 	It does look kinda big for just the two of us.
 	A ghost flies by
Ghost 	Wooo-ooo-ooo!
Gonzo 	(startled) Ohh! The three of us,
 	A second ghost floats in
Fozzie 	Oh!
Gonzo 	The four of us,
Fozzie 	(addressing audience): Well, at least we won't be lonely.
 	There's a tapping on the door
Fozzie 	(Nervously) Someone's... someone's at the door, Someone's at the door.
Gonzo 	(Addressing audience): Ohh, I bet it's not the Welcome Wagon.
 	Fozzie opens the door
Fozzie 	Yep, it's not the Welcome Wagon.
 	Vincent Price enters
Vincent Price 	Good evening (pause for applause) Excuse me, but do you have a room for the night? You see, the road has washed out and my horse had a flat tire.
Fozzie 	(Stammering) Well, maybe I, uh ...
Vincent Price 	I must tell you I am not alone, I am traveling with my beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed monster.
 	
 	Uncle Deadly enters
Fozzie 	Oh! Hideously deformed is right.
Uncle Deadly 	Watch it! I'm the beautiful assistant.
Gonzo 	Oh, boy.
Uncle Deadly 	Master, I've left Toto in the coach.
Fozzie 	Toto?
Vincent Price 	(Addressing Uncle Deadly): Good, good. (Addressing Fozzie and Gonzo): And now I must ask, can you tell me what time it is?
Fozzie 	Uh Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have stopped.
Vincent Price 	Oh, this is terrible! Terrible!
Uncle Deadly 	We're in trouble.
Vincent Price 	Yes.
Fozzie 	Why's that?
Uncle Deadly 	Because every night at the stroke of midnight, the master turns into a screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging, blood-lusting animal.
Vincent Price 	And then I get mean.
Gonzo 	What do we do?
Vincent Price 	Quickly, quickly, prepare a dungeon, chains, manacles! Bind me!
 	A clock begins striking
Uncle Deadly 	Oh, no, It's too late, It's midnight. Oh, no, something's different, oh, quick, what night is it?
Fozzie and Gonzo	(In union): New Year's Eve.
Uncle Deadly 	Oh, no! This is too cruel, too inhuman!
Fozzie 	What? What? What is? What? Tell! Tell! What! What!
Uncle Deadly 	On New Year's Eve, the master turns into Jack Parnell.The end of the "House of Horrors" sketch was altered: the original punchline was, "On New Year's Eve, the Master turns into Guy Lombardo!" Since the show was primarily aimed at an American audience, "Guy Lombardo" was replaced with ATV (and Muppet Show) bandleader "Jack Parnell" when the UK master (which has been used on all home video releases of the episode) was prepared. The original US broadcast print with the Guy Lombardo reference has never been recovered and is considered lost, although Uncle Deadly's original line remained intact when the sketch was illustrated in The Muppet Show Book.
 	
 	Vincent holds a baton and blows a noisemaker as "Auld Lang Syne" plays. Fozzie, Gonzo and Uncle Deadly flee in horror.
Statler 	Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.
Waldorf 	Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.
Statler 	Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.
Waldorf 	Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.
 	
Statler 	No!
 	Statler jumps out of his seats and lands on the floor
Waldorf 	Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.
Thudge McGerk 	[Incoherent babbling]
Waldorf 	With butter.
Thudge McGerk 	Ha!
==Backstage==
 	Shakey enters, still visibly shaken
Kermit 	You OK?
Scooter 	Excuse me, frog honcho of mine.
Kermit 	Mm?
Scooter 	Well, the triple-header is still waiting to audition.
Kermit 	Oh, Well, you know, with Vincent Price on the show, maybe a three-headed monster might be appropriate. (He walks towards them) Tell me, what do you guys do?
 	
Tom 	We sing!
Dick 	No, we dance!
Harry 	No, we tell jokes!
Kermit 	Uh-huh, You work on television much?
Tom, Dick,and Harry	(In unison): Work on television much?
Tom 	Always!
Dick 	Sometimes!
Harry 	Never.
Kermit 	I think you fellas have some problems, which one of you is the leader?
Tom 	(Points at Harry) He is.
Dick 	(Points at Tom) He is.
Harry 	(points at Dick) She is.
Kermit 	(Addressing audience) In fact, they got lots of problems.
=="Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered"==
 	Main stage. Sam is on the proscenium.
Sam 	If you're like I am, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird unnatural things going on tonight. Here, to counter all that, the very natural, the very normal Wayne and Wanda.
Wanda	
I'm wild again,
Beguiled again, 
A simpering, whimpering child again ...
Bewitched...
 	
 	Wanda is literally bewitched and turns into Blue Frackle.
Wayne	... bothered and bewildered.
==Panel Discussion==
Kermit 	This part of the program is the cultural part, we have to get started now, Just a second. (Addressing audience): Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, and tonight, our special guest is Mr. Vincent Price.
Vincent Price 	Well, it's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit.
Kermit 	In addition to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook, so tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining, Vincent has assembled the rest of the panel so I'll just let you do the introductions, sir.
Vincent Price 	All right, Kermit, thank you, well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight, on your immediate right is Pierre Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs.
Pierre LaCousse	A pleasure.
Vincent Price 	And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of the world's great eaters.
Gorgon Heap 	Mmmaagh!
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, I see. Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most delicious dish?
Vincent Price 	Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderful that is a most difficult question, but if I must choose my favorite dish, I would have to say it is probably escalope de veau a I'estragon.
Gorgon Heap 	It is delicious!
 	He eats a pitcher of water next to him
Pierre LaCousse	Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree, but for sheer magnificence, nothing can compare to gigot en epaule de pre-sale farci.
Gorgon Heap 	Oh, that is delicious. (He then eats a tray next to him) Oh!
Pierre LaCousse	He ate my casserole.
Vincent Price 	Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided that it is made in exactly the same way that it was prepared by the great chef Escoffier.
Gorgon Heap 	Oh, he was delicious.
 	He eats Pierre's hat
Pierre LaCousse	He ate my hat!
Kermit 	Uh... Uh, yes. Listen, Pierre, There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.
Pierre LaCousse	Ah, oui. Uh!
 	Gorgon eats Pierre
Kermit 	But it's a little late now. Uh, Vincent, who is this guy, anyhow?
 	Gorgon moves closer to Kermit
Gorgon Heap 	Say, you look delicious.
Kermit 	Wait a second, Get away from me, you hulking creep! Vincent, can you stop him, please?
 	
 	Vincent begins seasoning Kermit as Gorgon prepares toeat him
Vincent 	Froggie, you have to admit, you do look tasty.
Kermit 	Tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be...
 	Gorgon eats Kermit
Vincent Price 	I know I'm a bit of a devil, but I do love frogs' legs.
Waldorf 	This show should be reported to the consumer protection agency.
Statler 	Why?
Waldorf 	The host was just consumed,
 	Kermit pops up in their box
Kermit 	Don't count on it.
Statler 	Hey, this is our box, fella! Let me see your ticket stub.
==At the Dance==
 	
Male Ghost 	I'm going into the moving business.
Female Ghost 	Really? Locally?
Male Ghost 	No, ghost to ghost.
Female Whatnot 	Oh! I'm simply starving, can't we stop for a bite?
Dracula 	Delighted, my dear.
 	He bites her
Mildred Huxtetter 	That man is absolutely batty.
George 	Huh, Why do you say that?
 	Beautiful Day Monster walks past with bats following him
Male Ghost 	Why don't we stop and have a drink?
Female Ghost 	We can't.
Male Ghost 	Why not?
Female Ghost 	They don't serve spirits here.
Miss Kitty 	You know, my mother said if I worked hard, I could get ahead.
Female Blue Frackle	Oh, well, here it is.
 	She removes her head and give it to him
Miss Kitty 	Ooh!
==UK Spot==
	
	Ghosts haunt the backstage, singing "I'm Looking Through You." Fozzie, wandering in the backstage, sees the spirits and runs away, terrified
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppet monsters.
Vincent Price	Well, thank you, Kermit, I never met a monster I didn't like,
Kermit 	I can believe it, hey, can I ask you a question?
Vincent Price	Yes, of course.
Kermit 	In all the scary movies you've done through the years, well, you're always turning into a vampire, Well, how do you do that?
 	Vincent opens his mouth to reveal fangs. The audience full of Muppet monsters cheer loudly
Kermit 	How do you do that? That is so scary.
Vincent Price	Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the modesty, that is perhaps the epitome of the actor's craft. It takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Kermit 	Oh, sure.
 	Kermit opens his mouth revealing his own fangs
Vincent Price	Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.
 	Kermit bites Vincent
Statler 	By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight.
Waldorf 	The old bat couldn't come.
 	Bats fly up to their box
Statler 	The rest of 'em sure made it.
==Backstage==
 	A doll hand starts moving on Kermit's table
Tom 	Kermit.
Dick 	Kermit.
Harry 	Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, what, what, what?
Tom, Dick, and Harry 	(In union): When do we go on?
Kermit 	Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight.
Tome, Dick, and Harry	(In unison): But what about our big song?
Kermit 	Good grief, All right, What big song?
Tom 	What else?
Tom, Dick, and Harry 	(In unison): "Tea For Three."
Kermit 	(Yelling) Out, out, out!
 	Tom, Dick and Harry exit to their right,and Kermit to his left, then two ghosts float up from the floor
Male Ghost 	Who writes this stuff, anyway?
Female Ghost 	Who else? The ghostwriter.
 	They laugh and float away as Uncle Deadly watches on from the second floor
==Muppet News Flash==
The Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today, reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
 	
 	The Camera pans out to reveal The Newsman on a television screen in the living room of a Whatnot man watching sitting on an ottoman
The Newsman	(on tv; continuing) When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
 	The ottoman comes to life and the man jumps off and starts wacking it with a newspaper
the Newsman	(on tv; continuing) Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible. Inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.
 	The man backs into a dresser that begins to come to life and attack as well
The Newsman	(on tv; continuing) Still the mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, " a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings.
 	The man runs out of the room, pursued by the dresser and a lamp
The Newsman	(on tv; continuing) The phenomena does seem to relate to the cost-of-living increase during the past month. But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster.
 	The man, having avoided the furniture makes it back into the living room and slams the door behind him
The Newsman	(on tv; continuing) And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight.
 	The TV shuts off, and grows fangs and eats the man, as he backs into it
 	In Muppet News central
The Newsman	Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous.
 	His desk eats him
==Blackout==
Vincent Price	This is ridiculous, I can't find Hilda anywhere.Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to carry this stuff up myself.
Sweetums 	Ooh, excuse me, Mr, Price.
Vincent Price	Yes?
Sweetums 	Can I give you a hand?
Vincent Price	Oh, please.
Sweetums 	Here.
 	he pulls off his hand
 	
Vincent Price	That's my kind of joke. (Laughs)
==Backstage==
 	
 	Fozzie consoles Tom, Dick and Harry
Fozzie 	Hey, guys, I hear you're not gonna make it on the show tonight.
Tom 	Kermit didn't like our song.
Dick 	But it doesn't matter.
Harry 	We got a new act.
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah? Tell me what's the new act?
Tom 	Well, you see, I'm the straight man.
Dick 	I'm the comic.
Harry 	And I'm the audience.
Tom 	That way, no matter how bad we are...
Tom, Dick, and Harry	(In unison): we'll always love us.
Tom 	Yeah, like, say, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Dick 	That was no lady, that was a pawn shop sign.
 	Harry laughs
Tom 	We're a hit! We're a hit!
Dick 	Yeah, we're superstars.
Tom 	They love us!
Dick 	So long, Fozzie,
Fozzie 	(Addresses audience): I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy with three heads, hm.
==Talking Houses==
 	
House #3	My youngest boy is very interested in medicine.
House #4	Oh, he's a doctor?
House #3	No, A hospital.
=="You've Got a Friend"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Once again, dear friends … the very eerie … Mr. Vincent Price.
 	Open on Vincent playing an organ.
Vincent 	
When you're down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right …
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there,
To brighten up even your darkest night.
Uncle Deadly 	
You just call out his name,
And you know wherever you are,
He'll come running … to see you again.
Vincent 	
Winter, spring, summer or fall —
All you have to do is call —
And I'll be there.
Uncle Deadly 	Yes, he will.
Vincent & Deadly 	You've got a friend.
Green Frackle 	
Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend,
When people can be so cold?
Ghosts 	They'll hurt you, yes, and desert you..
Vincent 	And take your soul if you let 'em, hohohoho, but don't you let 'em!
 	200px
Vincent, Frackles,Ghosts, others	
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever you are,
I'll come running … to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
All you have to do is call,
And I'll be there.
Vincent 	Yes, I will.
All 	
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Vincent 	(evil laugh)
All 	You've got a friend!
==Goodnights==
 	Main Stage. Kermit's on the proscenium
Kermit 	Well, that just about brings these strange proceedings to an end. Let's have a special thanks to our guest star, Mr. Vincent Price.
 	Vincent enters
Kermit 	Hey, Vincent, you were really super tonight. Hey, let's give him another hand!
Vincent Price	Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one, huh?
 	
 	He pulls off a fake hand.
Kermit 	Will you cut that out? We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
 	ending theme
Thudge McGerk	[incoherent babbling]
Waldorf 	Well, that's easy for you to say.
==Footnotes==
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts