Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass/Quotes

:Homer: (singing, after beating Bart in the game) I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine! So kiss my behind! (scatting and grunting at Bart) In your face! (starts dancing)
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:Tom Brady: Everyone sucks but me.
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:Charles Montgomery Burns: What would you use instead of Nuclear power?
:Marge: Solar.
:Lenny Leonard: Hydroelectric.
:Moe Szyslak: A mix of conservation and wind.
:Burns: Who told you about those?
:Carl: The talking tree in a commercial. audio clip
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:Prof. Frink: (after seeing Ned's film, The Passion of Cain and Abel) You have taught me a world of faith beyond the world of science. I would pay to see it again and again and again and again but NOT SIX TIMES!!! audio clip
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:Homer: I wish I were a screensaver.
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:Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me "Comic Book Guy".
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:Michelle Kwan: Beware the wrath of Kwan!
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:Milhouse: Look! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan!
:Michelle Kwan: You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
:Milhouse: I didn't know you could talk!
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:The Passion of Cain and Abel
:(Todd (Abel) and Rod (Cain) are together as Rod uses Todd's Shepard stick to sharpen his knife. Ned (Adam), wearing nothing but a leaf on his crotch walks up to them)
:Ned: Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
:Todd: I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
:(cut to Todd setting his sacrifice on fire. Rod's sacrifice only has a few rotting rodents)
:Todd: Behold. I have found favor with the Lord.
:Rod: So shall my knife find favor with thy belly!
:(Rod begins stabbing Todd. Ned, dressed as the Devil, laughs as he watches Abel's murder. There are several gruesome close-ups to the stabbing and two newspaper headlines appear: "Massachusetts Okays Gay Marriage" and "Stem Cells Cure Alzheimer's". Rod kills Todd and runs off)
:(cut to Ned covering Todd)
:Ned: Now, I must bury my son, while you wander the Earth forever, with the mark of evil upon your face!
:(Rod turns; the left side of his face is now grotesquely deformed, complete with his left eye hanging out of its socket)
:THE END
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:Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting.
:Marge: I agree. Hey, aren't you that crazy cat lady?
:Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psychoactive medication I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
:Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces.
:Crazy Cat Lady: (goes crazy and starts throwing cats)
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:Frank: Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat and I can't even see the game!
:Marge: Just poke through!
:(Frank then pokes his head through Marge's hair)
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:Announcer: The crowd gets ready for the half-time show, sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern'
:(cut to private skybox, where Moe and the two executives are watching the game)
:Executive 1: How could you afford this?
:Moe: I hustled a lot of pool. Speaking of which, you wanna play? I gotta warn ya though, I ain't that good.
:Executive 1: All right. (under his breath) Sucker.
:(Moe swings his cue stick full force against the executive's back, possibly killing him)
:Moe: Who's the sucker now!? Huh?!!
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:Mother: You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these show-biz types keep shoving religion down our throat.
:Kid: Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
:Mother: You see? YOU SEE??
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:Yao Ming: "对不起，我实在不知道不知道你们在说哪一种语言." ("I'm sorry, I don't know which language you are speaking" in Mandarin Chinese)
:Lisa: Wait a second, I've heard you speak excellent English.
:Yao Ming: Shut up kid, I've got a good thing going on!
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:(The athletes are carrying an ark in Homer's show)
:Tom: You think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and his stared right through me.
:Yao: I left the People's Republic for this?
:Warren: Yo, Michelle, ya got a boyfriend?
:Michelle: Not in here I don't.
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:LeBron: Omelettes? For dinner? This is the best day of my life!
:Lisa: Didn't you just sign a $100 million dollar contract?
:LeBron: Oh yeah. That was a good day too.
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:(In "Tales of the Old Testament", Roy Snyder (King Solomon) makes his judgement for Luann Van Houten and Edna Krabappel (the two mothers))Snyder: The only just solution is to cut the baby in half.(Snyder stabs the baby's crib three times with his sword)Snyder: Wait a minute, I killed a baby. I'm a monster!(Snyder takes his sword and slices himself in half)