Episode 213: Rudolf Nureyev/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 213: Rudolf Nureyev.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters, wearing a tux.
 	
Scooter	Rudolf Nureyev, uh, Rudolf Nureyev? Fifteen seconds, Mr. — Nureyev?
 	The room is empty.
Scooter	(nods) Uh-huh. I knew he was too smart to show up.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf scat along to the theme.
 	
 	A green balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, inflating mostly on its own. Gonzo bats it with his nose.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit, also wearing a tux, explores the heavily decorated backstage area.
Kermit 	Boy, Sam really has this place looking good for Rudolf Nureyev.
Scooter 	Yeah, well, I don't mind that so much, but me and Robin are mad we have to wear these formal clothes.
Kermit 	You and Robin? Where's Robin?
 	
Scooter 	Oh, right here.
 	He briefly lifts up a top hat to reveal Robin.
 	
Robin 	It's the only hat I could find.
Sam the Eagle	Atten-hut!
 	They stand at attention.
Kermit 	Beg pardon?
Sam the Eagle	Line up for inspection.
Kermit 	Inspection?
Sam the Eagle	Yes. We must look proper for Mr. Nureyev. At last, to have a man of dignity, a man of culture on this weird, sick program. (examines Kermit) Did you wash your flippers?
Kermit 	Uh, yes, sir.
Sam the Eagle	Let's have a look.
 	He lifts Kermit's left foot, and Kermit loses his balance and falls.
Sam the Eagle	Will you please get off the floor? (to Scooter) Will you — will you comb your hair and polish those shoes?
Scooter 	(runs off) Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Sam the Eagle	And one more thing — (briefly lifts Robin's hat) your hat's too big.
Kermit 	Uh, Sam, can I introduce the show now?
Sam the Eagle	Of course, yes, but just do it with dignity! (shoves him onstage)
Kermit 	Uh, yes, yes …
Sam the Eagle	Oh! To have the brilliant, talented Rudolf Nureyev on our show! (to Robin) He's my favorite opera singer. (runs onstage)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Sam the Eagle	You call that dignity?
Kermit 	Uh, I'm sorry, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	(scoffs)
Kermit 	Uh, ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor...
Sam the Eagle	Good.
Kermit 	…to welcome you to The Muppet Show. (Sam brushes him) Uh, tonight's guest star is one of the world's great masters of the ballet, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle	W-wait — are you sure it's ballet, not opera?
Kermit 	Positive.
Sam the Eagle	Six of one, half dozen the other. Culture is culture. Go ahead.
Kermit 	Uh... ahem. Uh, but here to get things started is Dr. Teeth and the Electric...
Sam the Eagle	WHAT — Dr. Teeth?!?
Kermit 	Sam, I know I promised you a very cultural show. But don't worry, you see, they're playing a minuet, and they have promised to be very classy.
 	
Sam the Eagle	May I have that in writing?
Kermit 	(they scramble offstage) Just get off …
 	The Mayhem plays "Minuet in G Major".
Dr. Teeth 	Hey. Hey, what's this bummer called again?
Floyd 	"Minuet in G Major". Huh.
 	
Dr. Teeth 	Oh. They ought to send it back to the minors.
Floyd 	(laughs) Yeah, if I knew we were gonna do this, I'd have just stayed home and sent in my suit.
Animal 	(growls impatiently)
Floyd 	Animal's not gonna make it, man.
Dr. Teeth 	He's gonna freak.
Animal 	(growls impatiently)
Floyd 	If he goes, I go with him.
 	Animal goes wild on the drums.
Dr. Teeth 	It's a breakout!
 	The Mayhem goes wild along with him. Applause.
Statler 	You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
Waldorf 	Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?
Statler 	Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Mayhem passes by Kermit.
Kermit 	Not very cultural, guys. Not very cultural.
Sam the Eagle	That was degrading! That was awful. Mr. Nureyev must be shocked!
Kermit 	Well, I doubt it.
Sam the Eagle	Well, of course he is. He is sensitive. He is creative. He is artistic!
Kermit 	He is not here.
Sam the Eagle	What?
Kermit 	No, no, it's OK. He just phoned in, he's running a little bit late.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Thank goodness. Now, remember, when Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful.
 	Rudolf, dressed casually, enters. Applause.
Rudolf 	Hi, you guys.
Kermit 	Ah!
Rudolf 	I'm here.
Sam the Eagle	Not for long, you are not. We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev!
 	
Kermit 	But Sam …
Sam the Eagle	I'll handle this. (shoves the man out) Get out of here, you freak! You hippie! You weirdo, get out! Move, move! Get a haircut! (scoffs) Who do these punk kids think they are?
Kermit 	That — that one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle	(holds him up) What?
Kermit 	In fact, that was Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle	(drops him, collapses) What have I done?
Kermit 	I think I'll go out and introduce something cultural.
 	Sam is distressed.
=="La Ci Darem La Mano"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, now in keeping with our tone of uh, culture and classicism, and to uh, kill time while we see if we still have a guest star, we proudly present the love duet from the third act of The Barber of Die Fliedremaus. Uh, by Giusseppe Vagner...or Giusseppe Wagner. Um... whatever.
 	
 	The curtain opens. Dressed in armor, Link and Piggy perform a duet of "La Ci Darem La Mano" from "Don Giovanni". Eventually, Sam uses a giant magnet on a rope to lift them offstage.
Sam the Eagle	(sigh) I hope Mr. Nureyev didn't see that.
 	He accidentally lets go of the rope. KLANG! The pigs fall down.
Statler 	You know, there's nothing like grand opera.
Waldorf 	Yep, and that was nothing like it!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Sam the Eagle	(remorseful) Mr. Nureyev, will you ever forgive me?
Kermit 	Uh, he forgives you, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	What?
Kermit 	I just talked to him. He isn't angry, he's putting on his costume for his big ballet number.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! (hugs him)
 	
Sam the Eagle	Bless you, frog. Oh, thank you for these glad tidings. And what ballet, may I ask, is the incomparable Mr. Nureyev going to perform?
Kermit 	Uh, "Swine Lake". (walks onstage)
Sam the Eagle	Culture, yes, culture. Dignity at last. Cul… "Swine Lake"?!
=="Swine Lake"==
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, in the classic ballet "Swine Lake", a beautiful princess has been turned into a pig by the wicked magician, Trichinosis. Ahem. Uh, unfortunately, the handsome prince — there's a handsome prince in this too — the handsome prince hasn't heard about the change. Here, then, the very princely, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev.
 	
 	Applause. An instrumental of "Swan Lake" is played as Rudolf dances. When the Ballerina Pig shows up, he tosses her aside. The dancing continues, and concludes with one final toss. Applause.
==UK spot==
	
	A Whatnot who is literally missing much from his life sings "Something's Missing." In the end, a female Whatnot joins him, making his life whole.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	In the operating room, the cast tries to make themselves look as distinguished as possible. A young pig is on the operating table.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dogs will pay tribute to William Shakespeare.
Rowlf 	Prithee, nurse, who beith our next patient?
Janice 	Why, this little piglet, sire.
Rowlf 	Not piglet, Hamlet.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Remember, we're doing Shakespeare here.
Janice 	Hmm, sounds more like Bacon.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Say, this patient needs a transfusion. What's his blood type?
Janice 	Well, I think it's 2B, but I'm not sure.
Rowlf 	Well, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B?
 	He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy	Gadzooks, they have no shame.
Rowlf 	(pokes around with the stethoscope) Say … I'm listening to this patient's heart. Zounds.
Miss Piggy	Zounds what?
Rowlf 	Zounds terrible.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Hey, the frog wanted Shakespeare, he's getting Shakespeare.
Janice 	But you're a doctor first.
Rowlf 	Right, doctor first, Richard the Second, Henry the Fourth.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Methinks we should take our leave.
Rowlf 	Why?
Miss Piggy	Look at the time.
 	They all look around.
Rowlf 	Hey, the timing of the shrew.
Miss Piggy	Are you calling me a shrew?
Rowlf 	If the shrew fits...
 	They all laugh, and look up when they hear the announcer.
 	
Announcer 	And so we leave Veterinarian's Hospital-on-Avon. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say ...
Rowlf 	Alas, poor pork, I knew thee well.
 	They all laugh.
Statler 	Now that really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf 	Eh! You were a student WITH Shakespeare.
==Backstage==
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Kermie?
Kermit 	Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	May I speak with you about our duet?
Kermit 	Uh, what, is something wrong with it?
Miss Piggy	Wrong? Why it's wonderful! (embraces him)
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, at last, a mature and passionate love duet between me and my Kermie.
Kermit 	Ah, well, you're not doing it with me.
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	No, you're gonna do it with Rudolf Nureyev.
 	A beat. She drops him and runs over him.
Miss Piggy	Coming, Rudy!
 	Kermit gets up, dazed.
=="Baby, It's Cold Outside"==
 	Main stage. Robin enters to a fanfare.
 	
Robin 	My Uncle Kermit can't make the next introduction. He's trying to get the spiked heel marks off his throat. So I guess I'll fill in. Here, once again, the multi-talented Rudolf Nureyev.
 	Sam removes Robin's hat.
Robin 	Uh, yeah, I know. The hat's still too big.
 	They both walk away. The curtain opens on a sauna, where Piggy sits by herself. Rudolf enters and disrobes except for his towel.
Miss Piggy	Holy maracas! (approaches him) Uh, mm-hmm, helloooo. … Uh, don't you, uh, talk to strangers?
 	
Rudolf 	Depends on how strange the stranger is.
Miss Piggy	(laughs) Oh, what a wonderful sense of humor you have! And you have a marvelous mind. And the other parts ain't bad, either.
Rudolf 	(aside) Just think of it. Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova. And today, I'm in a steam room with a lady pig.
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes. And isn't it heaven?
Rudolf 	I don't think heaven is this warm. It's more like the other place.
Miss Piggy	Uh, well, uh, ahem, if you're warm, maybe you're overdressed?
Rudolf 	No, I'm fine.
Miss Piggy	Maybe I'm overdressed.
Rudolf 	That's it, I'm leaving.
Miss Piggy	Oh, no, sweetie, you just got here. Pleeeeease?
 	Music swells up.
Rudolf 	You don't understand —
 	They begin a duet of "Baby, it's Cold Outside". In the end, Piggy is left only with his towel and a Rudolf Nureyev-shaped hole in the wall.
Statler 	(laughs) Boy, he's really good, that Rudolf Nurey... uh, Nureyey... you know, I should really learn to pronounce his name.
Waldorf 	Oh, don't bother now. After this show, he'll probably change it.
 	They chuckle.
=="Clair de Lune"==
 	Rowlf plays "Clair de Lune" on the piano. Fozzie approaches.
Fozzie	(whispers) You forgot your candelabra. I'll go get it. Keep playing. 	Sounds terrific.
 	Fozzie fetches the candelabra and puts it on the piano.
Fozzie	(whispers) Got a match? A match. A match for the candle... — (Rowlf plays louder to shut him up) OK.
 	Fozzie fetches a matchbox and tries to strike one.
Fozzie	(calls) Lighter, lighter! Gonzo...
 	Fozzie fetches a lighter and tries to light it.
Fozzie	(to Rowlf) It doesn't work — (calls) It doesn't...
 	He briefly leaves, then comes back.
Fozzie	Uh, Rowlf, I think it's all taken care of. You're gonna have a beautiful candle to play with.
 	
 	He attempts to light it with a blowtorch.
Fozzie	Fabulous. … Give it time.
 	
 	He melts the candelabra instead. Rowlf facepalms.
Fozzie	Uh, sorry about that. Gonzo! (runs off)
==Dressing room / "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails"==
 	Rudolf stands behind the changing board.
Kermit 	Rudolf, I want to tell you how delighted we are to have you on our show tonight.
Rudolf 	I'm having a great time.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Rudolf 	I'm afraid your friend, the eagle, isn't too pleased.
Kermit 	Oh, that's just Sam. Don't worry about him.
Sam the Eagle	(knocks and enters) Mr. Nureyev, may I have your attention?
Rudolf 	Yes. Well... maybe I'm not too sure.
Sam the Eagle	I just want to apologize for the disgusting things the frog has forced you to do on this show.
Kermit 	Uh, the frog did not force him. (exits)
Sam the Eagle	Humph.
Rudolf 	The frog didn't force me.
Sam the Eagle	What?
Rudolf 	No. I wanted to do them. And it was fun.
Sam the Eagle	I can't believe that I'm speaking to the real Rudolf Nureyev.
Rudolf 	Does that mean you're going to throw me out again?
Sam the Eagle	No, no, no — of course not. No.
Rudolf 	Good. There's one more number I'd like to do.
Sam the Eagle	A-ha! I should have known. The first two for the low-brow element, but for your finale, a brilliant interpretation of classic ballet.
Rudolf 	Exactly.
 	He emerges in a black tux.
Sam the Eagle	Is that a ballet costume?
Rudolf 	Trust me, Sam. You see...
 	
 	He launches into a rendition of "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails". The other Muppets join him as he taps out of the room and onto the stage.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, so once again we come now to the end of another show. So let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the incomparable Rudolf Nureyev! Yaaaayy!
 	Applause.
Rudolf 	This has been a very different experience for me.
Sam the Eagle	Mr. Nureyev, I just want you to know that I am sorry.
Rudolf 	You are sorry you threw me out?
Sam the Eagle	No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in. (sigh) This has been shocking.
Rudolf 	Aw, cool it, baldy. (puts a top hat on Sam's head)
Kermit 	Okay, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
 	
Sam the Eagle	Leave me alone!…
 	The banter continues as the credits roll.
 	
Statler 	Now, wasn't that a cultural show?
 	Waldorf is asleep. Statler shrugs and joins him.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts