Ceiling Cat/Facts

*Ceiling Cat works out 25 hours a day.
*God didn't make all men equal, but Chuck Norris did... then Chuck made Ceiling Cat.
*If you have five dollars and Ceiling Cat has five dollars, Ceiling Cat has more money than you.
*There is no 'ctrl' button on Ceiling Cat's computer. Ceiling Cat is always in control.
**There isn't a command button on his iMac, either. Ceiling Cat's presence is always commanding.
*Apple pays Ceiling Cat 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
*Ceiling Cat can sneeze with his eyes open.
*Ceiling Cat can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
*Ceiling Cat destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Ceiling Cat can kill two stones with one bird.
*When Ceiling Cat calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
*Ceiling Cat once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
*Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Ceiling Cat likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
*There are no races, only countries of people Ceiling Cat has stared at longer.
*When Ceiling Cat was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he stared the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
*Ceiling Cat can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
*A Ceiling Cat Stare is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
*When Ceiling Cat falls in water, Ceiling Cat doesn't get wet. Water gets Ceiling Cat.
*Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CCS (Ceiling Cat Stare)
*Ceiling Cat’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
*In honor of Ceiling Cat, all McDonald's restaurants on Cat Planet have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Ceilingsized.
*Ceiling Cat CAN believe it's not butter.
*If tapped, a Ceiling Cat stare could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes - including TT's Power Tower.
*Ceiling Cat can divide by zero.
*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Ceiling Cat has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
*A picture is worth a thousand words. A Ceiling Cat is worth 1 billion words.
*Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in magnitude to a Ceiling Cat stare.
*Ceiling Cat invented his own type of karate. It's called Ceiling-Cat-Will-Kill.
*When a Lolcat was posted on a French blog, the French surrendered to Ceiling Cat just to be on the safe side.
*While urinating, Ceiling Cat is easily capable of welding titanium.
*Ceiling Cat once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
*When Ceiling Cat takes his Stand, everybody listens. And dies.
*When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Ceiling Cat kills a ninja, he uses every part.
*Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Ceiling Cat to go around.
*Ceiling Cat always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
*When taking the SAT, write "Ceiling Cat" for every answer. You will score Over 9000.
*Ceiling Cat invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. 
*When you're Ceiling Cat, anything + anything is equal to 1. One stare to the face.
*Ceiling Cat has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
*On his birthday, Ceiling Cat randomly selects one lucky PagUn to be thrown into the sun.
*Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. The drink runs out of him in fear.
*In the beginning there was no structure to the universe...then Ceiling Cat stared that lack of structure in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
*Ceiling Cat has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Sun.
**In relation to the above fact, three of them are his kidney stones.
***Said kidney stones are magnetars.
*Ceiling Cat grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
*Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Ceiling Cat"
*Ceiling Cat ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
*Ceiling Cat and Captain 0 walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
*If you Google search "Ceiling Cat getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
*Ceiling Cat can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven Planck times.
*Ceiling Cat stared his way out of his mother's womb.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
*The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Ceiling Cat. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
*It takes Ceiling Cat 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
*You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Ceiling Cat will find you and kill you.
*Ceiling Cat has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
*The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Atlantic Quadrilateral, until Ceiling Cat stared one of the corners off.
**This was Atlantis.
*There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Ceiling Cat lives on Cat Planet.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't believe in Germany.
*When Ceiling Cat is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
*Ceiling Cat once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
**He didn't need a glass of water, either.
*James Cameron wanted Ceiling Cat to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*Ceiling Cat can touch MC Hammer.
*Thousands of years ago Ceiling Cat came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.
*Ceiling Cat played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
**His son Tierboskat can do the same thing with a fully-loaded M1 Garand.
*It takes 14 muscles to make Ceiling Cat smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an entire city.
*Ceiling Cat is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
*Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Ceiling Cat pajamas.
*Ceiling Cat once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. For this duration, POP meant Percentage of Pain.
*Simply by pulling on both ends, Ceiling Cat can stretch diamonds back into coal. By pushing, he can create a black hole.
*When Ceiling Cat does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
*Ceiling Cat invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
*A high tide means Ceiling Cat is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
*Ceiling Cat keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one stare to the face.
*There is in fact an “I” in Ceiling Cat, but there is no “team”… not even close.
*Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Ceiling Cat can change the laws of physics. With his eyes.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
*Using his trademark stare, Ceiling Cat once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
*Ceiling Cat stares don't really kill people. They completely obliterate them on the subatomic level.
*Ceiling Cat does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
*Tom Clancy used to pay royalties to Ceiling Cat because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Ceiling Cat's autobiography.
*Ceiling Cat can slam a revolving door.
*Ceiling Cat is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2016 Rio Olympics, even though Ceiling Cat does not swim. This is because when Ceiling Cat enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Ceiling Cat simply walks across the pool floor.
*The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Ceiling Cat instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Ceiling Cat stared at Sauron halfway through the first chapter.
*Ceiling Cat eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
*If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Ceiling Cat would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
*The crossing lights in Ceiling Cat's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Ceiling Cat watching or staring at a pedestrian.
*Science Fact: Ceiling Cat stares are comprised primarily of the Higgs Boson, AKA the God Particle.
*The Sherman tank was originally called the Ceiling Cat tank until Ceiling Cat decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Ceiling Cat, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created by man has been badass enough to be named after Ceiling Cat. It took his own son to do so.
*Ceiling Cat proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't step on toes. Ceiling Cat steps on necks.
*There is no such thing as global warming. Ceiling Cat was cold, so he breathed more.
*A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Ceiling Cat, 3. Cancer
*It's widely believed that Jesus was Ceiling Cat's stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Ceiling Cat's skin.
*Ceiling Cat did in fact, build Rome in a day. He then knocked it down within a millisecond.
*Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Ceiling Cat to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Ceiling Cat had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
*Once you go Ceiling Cat, you are physically unable to go back.
*Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Ceiling Cat. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat once blew up a Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
*The last thing you hear before Ceiling Cat gives you a stare? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
*Ceiling Cat is the only person in the world that can actually email a stare.
*Ceiling Cat won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
*Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Ceiling Cat, Hidden Ceiling Cat"
*Ceiling Cat can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
*Ceiling Cat cannot love, he can only not kill.
*According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Ceiling Cat can actually stare at you yesterday.
*In an act of great philanthropy, Ceiling Cat made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
*When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", he was not referring to Vishnu. He was referring to Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
*Ceiling Cat invented a language that incorporates watching you and staring. So next time Ceiling Cat is staring at you, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
*If at first you don't succeed, you're not Ceiling Cat.
*If Ceiling Cat was in charge of time, every month would be named Ceilingtober, and every day he'd stare at you.
*Fear is not the only emotion Ceiling Cat can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a stare from Ceiling Cat".
**He can also smell every other emotion, simply because he decided he wants to several billion years ago.
*MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Ceiling Cat can stare through a wall and take it.
*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Ceiling Cat.
*What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Ceiling-Cat-Division”.
*Ceiling Cat brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and alcohol.
*The easiest way to determine Ceiling Cat's age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
*There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. It does exist, and Ceiling Cat finds it delicious.
*The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Ceiling Cat killed the entire US team with a single stare during practice.
*The Bible was originally titled "Ceiling Cat and Friends".
*Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Ceiling Cat doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
*When Ceiling Cat says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
*Ceiling Cat brought a dying lamb back to life by watching it. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Ceiling Cat then stared at it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Cat giveth, and the good Cat, he taketh away.
*Ceiling Cat was what Willis was talkin' about.
*Google won't search for Ceiling Cat because it knows you don't find Ceiling Cat, he finds you.
*Ceiling Cat can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Ceiling Cat jumped out of a plane and made eye contact with Chuck Norris's Epic Blast.
*It is scientifically impossible for Ceiling Cat to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
**Technically, he grandfathered himself, but that's close enough.
*Ceiling Cat destroyed the periodic table, because Ceiling Cat only recognizes the element of surprise.
*It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Ceiling Cat's younger brother Shaggy a giant meteor.
*Ceiling Cat shot the sheriff, but he stared at the deputy.
*That's not Ceiling Cat doing push-ups -- that's Ceiling Cat moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
*Ceiling Cat can judge a book by its cover.
*Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
*Q: How many Ceiling Cats does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Ceiling Cat prefers to kill in the dark.
*As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." This is true, since Ceiling Cat is technically fear itself.
*Ceiling Cat just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
*Since 1940, the year Ceiling Cat and Weegee's son Ceilingteegee was born, stare related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
*Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Ceiling Cat on a routine patrol.
*Ceiling Cat does not own a house. He lives in Undefeatable Palace.
*It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Ceiling Cat stare.
*Ceiling Cat is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
*Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Ceiling Cat needs toothpicks.
*Ceiling Cat smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Ceiling Cat's personal chef.
*When Ceiling Cat plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, stares to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
*Ceiling Cat is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Ceiling Cat calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
*Ceiling Cat does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Ceiling Cat's stare is inside his own body.
*Ceiling Cat built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Ceiling Cat met all three bullets with his bare paws, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*Ceiling Cat uses a night light. Not because Ceiling Cat is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
*When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat stares at anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Ceiling Cat doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
*Ceiling Cat once stared a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
*Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Ceiling Cat glare will liquefy your kidneys.
*Cloning is outlawed because if Ceiling Cat were cloned, then it would be possible for a Ceiling Cat stare to meet another Ceiling Cat stare. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the UnWorld.
*Ceiling Cat once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Keweenawan Rift is enough.
*Ceiling Cat's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
*If Ceiling Cat stares at you, you will die. If Ceiling Cat somehow misses you with the stare, his eye lasers will tear out your pancreas.
*In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Ceiling Cat.
*Everybody loves Raymond. Except Ceiling Cat.
*Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Ceiling Cat while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
*Ceiling Cat got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
*The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Ceiling Cat. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
*Ceiling Cat can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
*Ceiling Cat once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 PagUns he had killed and eaten.
*Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Ceiling Cat. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
*The truth will set you free. Unless Ceiling Cat has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
*For most people, home is where the heart is. For Ceiling Cat, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
*Kryptonite has been found to contain trace amounts of Ceiling Cat-produced Higgs Bosons. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
*Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was stared in the head by Ceiling Cat in space, which sent him through the earth, stopping just past of the surface of Iraq.
*Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Catted.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just stares at any cars that get too close.
*Ceiling Cat does not have to answer the phone. He picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
*How many stares does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
*When Ceiling Cat does division, there are no remainders.
*Never look a gift Ceiling Cat in the mouth, because he will stare your damn eyes out.
*Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Ceiling Cat will beat his ass and take it.
*Ceiling Cat used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Ceiling Cat killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
*Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Ceiling Cat's basement".
*Ceiling Cat’s stare is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
*Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Ceiling Cat bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
*He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Ceiling Cat, dies by the stare.
*The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Ceiling Cat come off without a hitch.
*The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Ceiling Cat in a movie theater and rings a bell to annoy him.
*Staring at Ceiling Cat for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness.
*Ceiling Cat can taste lies.
**Bucciarati wears white for this reason.
*Ceiling Cat does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Ceiling Cat kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
*One time, Ceiling Cat accidentally stubbed his claw. It destroyed the entire state of New Caulde.
*Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Ceiling Cat stared her into a glacier.
*In 1990, Ceiling Cat founded the non-profit organization "PWN Drugs Out of the UnUniverse". If the organization's name were "Stare Drugs out of the UnUniverse", there wouldn't be any drugs in the UnUniverse. Anywhere.
*Ceiling Cat can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
*Ceiling Cat was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
*4 out of 5 doctors recommend Basement Cat as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
*2.000 piranhas can skeletize a cow in ten minutes. Ceiling Cat does it in one nanosecond.
*The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Ceiling Cat goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
*Ceiling Cat's first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
*With the rising cost of gasoline, Ceiling Cat is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
*The square root of Ceiling Cat is pain. Do not try to square Ceiling Cat, the result is death.
*Ceiling Cat's testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas.
*To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one stare to the face a fight?
*There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Ceiling Cat.
*Ceiling Cat never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
*If you were somehow able to land a punch on Ceiling Cat your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
*Basement Cat once kicked Ceiling Cat's ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a stare to the face.
*The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Ceiling Cat took when he was younger. However, in Ceiling Cat's case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
*Ceiling Cat is his own operating system. He needs no security patches. He finds vulnerabilities in others. He files no bug reports.
*Ceiling Cat can bend light. With his bare hands.
*God said "Let there be life." and Ceiling Cat said "Okay."
*In war, Ceiling Cat doesn't wear armor, the armor wears him for protection.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't read, he just stares the book down until it tells him what he wants.
*Ceiling Cat will live forever because, let's face it, Heaven runs fine without him, and Hell is afraid he'll take over.
*Q: What there was before the Big Bang? A: Ceiling Cat
*Ceiling Cat is the only known cat that can kill himself and still survive.
*The only person who can surf through all youtube viral videos without getting Rick Roll'd is Ceiling Cat.
*Only Ceiling Cat can be more invisible than the Predator.
*Ceiling Cat doesn't wear sun-screen. The sun wears Ceiling Cat-screen.
*Death once had a "Near Ceiling Cat Experience."
*He created a show on Sprout called Poppy Cat to hypnotize children into worshiping him.
**Nevermind, it was actually because Poppy Cat asked. She's his daughter.
Category:Fact pages
Category:Why does this exist?