Steamed Hams/Transcript

This is the script of Skinner's Story. To view the whole story: Click 22 Short Films About Springfield/Quotes.
:[Chalmers rings Skinner's doorbell. Skinner opens the door.]
:Chalmers: Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
:Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!
:Chalmers: Yeah.
:[Chalmers enters. In the dining room, he sits at the table and places a bottle in an ice bucket, while Skinner runs to the kitchen, only to find his roast is burnt, and gasps in horror.]
:Skinner: Oh, egads! My roast is ruined! [Chalmers' knocking on the kitchen door can be heard] But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? [chuckles] Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
:[Skinner begins to climb through the window, but Chalmers enters the kitchen and catches Skinner trying to leave.] 
:Chalmers: Ah-!
:[Accompanied by a montage of scenes of Skinner and Chalmers from previous episodes, the theme song to an imaginary sitcom called "Skinner and the Superintendent" then plays:]
::Skinner with his crazy explanations,
::The superintendent's gonna need his medication,
::When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
::There'll be trouble in town tonight!
:[The scene goes back to Skinner's kitchen]
:Chalmers: SEEEEEYMOOUUURRR!!!
:Skinner: Superintendent! I was just...uh---just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
:[Smoke can be seen coming out of Skinner's oven]
:Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? [points to the oven]
:Skinner: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having. [Massages his belly] Mmmm, steamed clams!
:[Once a suspicious Chalmers leaves the kitchen, Skinner breathes a sigh of relief, climbs out the window, and runs across the street to Krusty Burger, where he buys hamburgers and French fries to replace his burnt roast. The scene cuts to the dining room, where Skinner comes from the kitchen with the fast food on a silver tray.]
:Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.
:Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
:Skinner: Oh no, I said 'steamed hams'. That's what I call hamburgers.
:Chalmers: You call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?
:Skinner: Yes! It's a regional dialect.
:Chalmers: Uh-huh. Eh, what region?
:Skinner: Uh...upstate New York?
:Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'.
:Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
:Chalmers: I see.
:[Chalmers takes a bite out of a burger and chews it a little, while Skinner sips his drink.]
:Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
:Skinner: Hohoho, no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
:Chalmers: For steamed hams?
:Skinner: Yes.
:Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled? [opens one of the burgers and exposes the patty's grilled pattern to Skinner]
:Skinner: Y- Uh.. you know, the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.
:Chalmers: Of course.
:[Skinner enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire]
:Skinner: [pretends to yawn] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
:Chalmers: Yes, I should be-- [notices the intense light coming from the burning kitchen] GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!?
:Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
:Chalmers: Ah- Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
:Skinner: Yes.
:Chalmers: ...May I see it?
:Skinner: ...No.
:[They exit the house as the kitchen fire grows larger.]
:Agnes (voice): SEYMOUR, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!
:Skinner (looking up): No, mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
:Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.
:[As Chalmers begins heading home, Agnes starts screaming for help, causing Chalmers to look back towards the house. Skinner gives him a thumbs up and a fake smile, causing him to keep walking away. Once Chalmers is out of sight, Skinner rushes back into the house to deal with the fire.]
:Agnes (voice): HEEEELP!!! HEEEELP!!
Category:Transcripts
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