Episode 303: Roy Clark/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 303: Roy Clark.
==Cold Open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	Roy, oh, Roy Clark? 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Clark.
Roy 	Thank you, buddy. And, by the way, I've got a question. I've got the cowboy suit I'm supposed to be wearing, but where's the pair of chaps?
 	A pair of well-dressed, British "chaps" enter the room.
 	
Chap 1 	Hello, hello, hello.
Chap 2 	We're the pair of chaps you asked...(something unintelligible).
Chap 1 	Hello, hello, hello.
 	They exit.
Roy 	(to camera) It's a far cry from Oklahoma. (laughs)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roy Clark! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. During the bridge, Scooter is in the wings.
 	
Scooter	Hey! Somebody kill that light!
 	Gunfire is heard. The light falls from above.
 	
 	Gonzo blows his horn and a party favor comes out.
Gonzo 	Three times!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Our show is going country tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest country music stars, Mr. Roy Clark. And...
 	Fozzie enters, interrupting Kermit. He wears a racoon-skin hat and carries various pieces of luggage.
Fozzie 	To the country. Let's go. Everybody... Kermit, get dressed. To the country!
Kermit 	(interrupting) Wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait, I said the show was going country, just because Roy Clark is our guest.
Fozzie 	Oh, oh yeah, one of my favorite performers.
Kermit 	Yeah, well I didn't mean it would actually be alfresco.
Fozzie 	Oh, he's good too.
 	Scooter enters
 	
Scooter	Excuse me, Kermit. I thought you should know the stagehands aren't here.
 	Scooter leaves
Kermit 	W-what?!
Fozzie 	Hmm, yeah, yeah. I sent 'em off to the country, yeah.
Kermit 	Fozzie, the show is staying here!
Fozzie 	But they're all in the country waiting for us!
Kermit 	(simultaneously with Fozzie) No! We gotta do the show right here! You can't send the stagehands to the country!
Fozzie 	You said the show was going country! Don't shout, I'm just a bear! I'm trying my best!! I am doing the best I can. Who's gonna shift the scenery?
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	What?
Kermit 	YOU are going to shift the scenery!
Fozzie 	I am going to shift the scenery?!
Kermit 	Fozzie?!
Fozzie 	(facepalming) I am going to shift the scenery.
 	Fozzie exits the stage
Kermit 	(stuttering) Sorry about that, folks. Uh... And now, ladies and gentlemen, the multitudinously talented, Mr. Roy Clark.
 	The audience applauds. Fozzie leans into frame
Fozzie 	What do I do here?
Kermit 	Open the curtains!
Fozzie 	Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes!
 	Kermit and Fozzie exit. The curtains waiver a bit as they open.
 	
 	Roy performs "Rocky Top" in a four-square grid, playing different instruments accompanied by the jugband.
Waldorf	I wonder how they do that.
 	
 	A pair of Statler appears beside him.
Statler	Do what? (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Three Roys pass through the backstage area. Zoot and Floyd incredulously watch from the balcony above.
Floyd 	Man, that Roy Clark sure is a numerous person. (laughs)
 	Another Roy passes through.
Roy 	Boy, you can say that again!
 	Floyd and Zoot laugh as they enter their dress room. Fozzie laughs as he approaches Kermit's desk.
Fozzie 	How... How does he do that?
 	Kermit storms in.
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	Oh, yes, sir.
Kermit 	There's not a stagehand in the theater, thanks to you.
Fozzie 	Ah, thank you, you're welcome.
 	Kermit grimaces.
Kermit 	Listen, listen, Fozzie. You got us into this mess. You are responsible for it. If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie...
 	
Fozzie 	(burying his face in his hat) Yes, sir?
Kermit 	You are fired!
 	Kermit goes onstage.
Fozzie 	(stammering) Fired?! Oh, no. Oh. My nerves are shot. Still...heh, heh, what could go wrong? I mean, the, uh, the stage is set. The star has arrived....
 	Scooter appears.
Scooter	Psst, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	The audience is happy...
Scooter	The theater's on fire.
 	Scooter leaves.
Fozzie 	The theater's on fire...the theater's on fire?! Oh! (coughs)
 	The backstage fills with smoke.
==The Swedish Chef: Living Dough==
	
	The Swedish Chef prepares a large lump of dough. He sprinkles flour on it and pounds it. Soon, the dough growls and starts bubbling. The Chef pushes down the bulges, then tries rolling it down with his rolling pin. The dough grabs hold of it and knocks him out.
==Backstage==
 	The backstage is filled with smoke. Scooter observes from the balcony above, as Fozzie rushes in. The Swedish Chef passes by woozily.
Fozzie	Ah, ah, fire! Fire! Chef, fire! Fire!
 	Kermit appears next to Fozzie, taking him by surprise.
Kermit	Fozzie!
Fozzie	Oh!
Kermit	What's going on?
Fozzie	Oh, hi. Uh, nothing. l was just saying that, uh, I'm glad nothing else is going wrong or I'd get fired!
Kermit	(sniffing) What's all this smoke?
Fozzie	...uh...that's not smoke.
Kermit	It's not smoke?
Fozzie	No, no.
Kermit	Then, what is it?
Fozzie	...jet exhaust.
Kermit	"Jet exhaust?" (grimaces)
 	
Fozzie	I, I... Just what I was going to say. Yes. Yes. Oh, look out, here comes another one. Duck!
 	Fozzie pushes Kermit down and covers his mouth, imitating an airplane going by. Scooter ducks as well. Kermit rises back up.
Fozzie	You okay? You okay?
Kermit	What was that?
Fozzie	Oh, boy, that was a close one. Those planes get lower every day.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, l didn't see any plane.
Fozzie	Yeah, they get faster too. Boy, oh, boy.
 	Fozzie pushes Kermit toward the stage.
Fozzie	Listen. You go tell Roy Clark to keep his head down, okay? And I'll phone the airport. Here comes another one! (mimics airplane sound)
Kermit	(ducking) What? What?!
Fozzie	Get down!
 	Kermit is gone and Fozzie grabs the telephone receiver.
Fozzie	Hello, operator? H-How soon can you get me the, uh, the fire department?
 	The receiver squirts water at him.
Fozzie	That soon, huh?
==Pigs in Space==
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the rocketship Swinetrek, it was drifting aimlessly in space due to a power failure in the control panel.
 	In the bridge, Captain Link and First Mate Piggy worry.
Piggy 	Oh!
Link 	First Mate Piggy, if Dr. Strangepork can't restore power to the control panel, we'll be marooned in space forever.
Piggy 	Oh, no!
Link 	Well, look at the bright side, my dear. At least you will spend the rest of your days with me.
Piggy 	...that's the bright side?
 	Dr. Strangepork enters the bridge.
Strangepork	Well, I fixed the control panel.
Piggy 	Oh, that's wonderful, doctor!
Strangepork	Yeah, it was faulty viring.
Link 	Hmm, nice work, Dr. Strangepork.
Strangepork	Oh, ho, it was nothing, Link. Actually, I just used some vires from the electric toaster.
Link 	Hmm, good thinking. Here, I'll try it.
 	Link pulls a lever and Miss Piggy is ejected below, screaming.
Strangepork	...uh oh.
Link 	(chuckling) That's all right, doctor. Actually, it's kind of funny.
Strangepork	Jå. (laughs)
 	Link pushes the lever back and Piggy returns.
Link 	You see, that's what you'd call, "raising a pig." (laughs)
Strangepork	Ha! "Raising a pig!" Hahahaha! She has her ups and downs! Oh, hohoho!
Piggy 	Oh, oh! So, so, so, you think that's funny, huh? Well, it's your turn, Linko!
Link 	Wh-wha?
 	Piggy pulls a lever and Strangepork drops out.
Link 	(chuckles) Thought you had me, didn't ya'?
Piggy 	(groans)
 	Piggy flips it back and Strangepork reappears. She flips it again and he falls back down.
Link 	(laughs) Why don't you try this one right here?
Piggy 	I am not that stupid.
Link 	Well, then I'll try it. Ah!
 	Link pulls a lever and falls down himself.
Piggy 	(laughing) He was that stupid!
 	Piggy flips back the lever and Link returns, sucking his thumb.
Link 	I want my mommy.
Piggy 	Still think it's funny, Bacon Brain?
Link 	No, we've gotta get Dr. Strangepork back!
 	Link pulls a lever and Gonzo appears in Strangepork's chair.
Gonzo 	Hey, I'm not supposed to be here, right?
Link 	Right!
 	Link pulls another lever, causing Gonzo and Piggy to fall down.
Link 	What? What happened?
 	
 	Link pushes it back. Beaker and a chicken pop up in their places.
Link 	Beaker!
Chicken 	Bawk, bawk, bak, woah!
 	Link throws the lever and the chicken disappears. Link pulls another one and Beaker falls down and a Koozbanian pops up. Link pulls another lever and the alien leaves, but now Luncheon Counter Monster pops up. He pulls a lever, causing Link to disappear and the Witch Doctor to pop up. The monster pulls another lever, ejecting himself and popping up Chopped Liver. He throws another switch and Statler appears.
Waldorf 	I don't believe that.
 	
 	Gonzo pops up in Statler's empty seat.
Gonzo 	I'm not supposed to be here either, right?
 	Gonzo pops back down.
=="Yesterday When I Was Young"==
	
	Roy sings onstage and while sitting above the orchestra pit. Muppy rests beside him as he sings.
==U.K. Spot==
 	
 	Fozzie stands in front of some of the show's backdrops, addressing the audience.
Fozzie 	Oh! Uh, ladies and gentlemen. There's a, uh, situation backstage I think you should know about. You see...
 	A quartet of firemen arrive.
Fireman 1	Hey, we're here!
Fozzie 	Oh, the firemen! Oh, yes!
Fireman 1	Yeah, yeah, we're here to audition.
Fozzie 	Audition? But, where's your equipment for the fire? You know, the hoses, the axes?
Fireman 2	Oh, yeah, we brought one of those.
Fozzie 	You got an axe!
Fireman 1	No, an act.
 	The firemen laugh as the track to "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire" begins to play.
Fozzie 	An act?
Fireman 1	Yeah, we're The Singing Firemen.
Fozzie 	But, there's a fire over here.
Fireman 1	Oh, this is a hot one. He'll love it.
Fozzie 	It needs tending. Will ya'..but listen!
 	One fireman escorts him offstage as they begin to sing.
Firemen 	
I don't want to set the world on fire
Fozzie 	(running by in the background) Fire!
Fireman 2	
I just want to start...
Firemen 	
(Ooo, ooo)
Fireman 2	
A flame in your heart
Firemen 	
(A flame in your heart)
 	
Firemen 2	
In my heart I have but one desire
 	Fozzie passes through with a bucket of water.
Fozzie 	Uh, 'scuse me, guys. Some people have to work around here. 'Scuse me.
Fireman 2	
And that what is you...
Firemen 	
(Ooo, ooo)
Fireman 2	
No other will do
Firemen 	
(No other will do)
Fireman 2	
I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim
Firemen 	
I just want to be the one you love
Fozzie 	(coughs)
Fireman 1	
And with your admission that you feel the same
Firemen 	
I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of
Believe me
I don't want to set the world on fire
Fozzie 	(rushing by with a fire extinguisher) Uh, you don't have to, it started already.
Firemen 	
I just want to start a flame
A flame in your heart
Chicken 	(offstage, clucking in despair)
Fozzie 	(rushing out with a life preserver) Don't worry, I'll save you!
 	Fozzie returns to the stage with the chicken, moaning in the life preserver.
Fozzie 	Are you proud of yourselves? You made this chicken a nervous wreck!
 	The firemen bow as the stage fills with more smoke.
==Talk Spot==
 	Kermit sits on the Talk Spot wall with Roy.
Kermit	Hey, Roy. That was a...that was a beautiful song you did. A-and I loved the one where you did all the instruments too.
Roy 	Well, thank you. But, Kermit, it's not really that hard. You know, I come from a musical family.
Kermit	Oh, really?
Roy 	Sure. My dad plays and all my uncles and we used to get together, when I was a child, and play music.
Kermit	Oh, wow. And how many of those instruments, uh, can you actually play?
Roy 	"Can I actually play," Kermit?
Kermit	Yes, yes.
Roy 	Actually...
Kermit	Yes?
Roy 	...maybe one out of five would be a good average. (laughs)
Kermit	(laughing along) One out of five.
Roy 	No, but I attempt to play about seven or eight.
Kermit	You...well, you did very well in that other number.
Roy 	Thank you.
Kermit	I loved the trumpet.
Roy 	Uh, I thought, maybe, you'd bring that up.
Kermit	Yes, tha-that was outstanding.
Roy 	Uh, "outstanding?" You mean I should be outstanding in the fields somewhere with my trumpet?
Kermit	Well, I-I didn't say that, Roy. Uh, but, anyhow, I-I suppose you're really just born into show business actually, huh?
Roy 	Well, kind of, ya' know. But, uh, my dad still runs the farm back in Virginia where he keeps chickens and, lot of times I get to missin' the place, out travelin' all the time.
Kermit	Yeah. Well, oh, listen, Roy. We could make you feel right at home, 'cause you know we keep chickens.
Roy 	Really?
 	A trio of chickens enter and surround Roy.
Kermit	Sure. See there? Mm-hmm.
Roy 	Kermit, uh, if you keep chickens, could, uh, you keep these away?
Kermit	Well, l, uh, uh, yes, l will. We also...but, we also keep ducks, you know. Right there, mm-hmm.
 	A pair of ducks enter, quacking.
Roy 	Uh, you have any soup to go with these quackers? You know what kind of joke we call that in Virginia?
Kermit	Bad?
Roy 	You stepped right in the middle of that one.
Kermit	Uh, yes indeed. Hey, how about some pigs, Roy? Pigs! Pigs, huh?
 	Two pigs enter, snorting.
Roy 	Hey!
Kermit	Or even cattle?
 	A mooing cow appears.
Roy 	Fantastic! How many head of cattle do you have?
Kermit	Uh, one. Uh, one head of cow.
Roy 	Kermit, I gotta tell ya', this is really like being back on the farm.
Kermit	Yeah, isn't it great?
Roy 	Sure is. Free eggs, fried chicken on Sunday, bacon for breakfast, roast duck at Christmas, all the ham sandwiches you can eat. I mean, this place is like a walkin' lunch counter.
 	
Kermit	Uh, Roy, it may may look like a luncheon, but it can soon turn into a lynchin'!
 	The animals all begin to attack Roy.
Roy 	Hold it! Wait, wait! Hold it! I was only kidding! I was KIDDING!
Kermit	He was kidding!
==At the Barn Dance==
 	Couples dance to a square dance arrangement of the sketch's normal theme, starting with a pair of pigs.
Male Pig 	Oh, I hate barn dances. Only reason l come is for the door prize.
Female Pig	Well, what's the prize?
Male Pig 	A free ticket to the next barn dance.
Cow 	You know, my husband weighs five tons.
Horse 	Oh, that sounds like a lot of bull.
Cow 	It is, darling. It is.
Hen 	Oh, why don't ya'll run away with me?
Rooster 	I can't. I gotta think of the wife and eggs.
Female Pig	Uh, why is that rooster winking at your wife?
Goat 	I think he's trying to get my goat!
T.R. 	Say, what's your brother-in-law doing up there?
Hen 	Oh, he's trying to start the ceilin' fan. It stopped.
 	The fan starts whirling. The chicken above squawks as feathers pour down on the dancers.
 	
T.R. 	Looks like he got it started.
 	The dancers start sneezing.
==Backstage==
 	Smoke trails through the backstage. Link Hogthrob, Rowlf and the Swedish Chef have formed a line, passing buckets of water along to put out the fire. Fozzie rushes in.
Fozzie 	Hey, hey, c'mon, c'mon. Keep those buckets moving. C'mon, guys! Oh, boy. (to the audience) Remember how the theater was on fire? Well, it still is! Ohhh, c'mon guys, faster, faster!
 	Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh, yes, yes sir.
Kermit 	What is..what is going on here?
Fozzie 	Yes, going on here!
Kermit 	Where's all this smoke coming from?
Fozzie 	Smoke, yes, smoke. Uh...oh, didn't you get a cigar?
Kermit 	Cigar?
Fozzie 	Yeah, uh, yes. Uh, uh, a cigar for the frog!
Kermit 	What-wha?
 	Fozzie produces a cigar and shoves it into Kermit's mouth.
Fozzie 	There. Tell me, have you any idea what it feels like to be a father?
 	
Kermit 	No, no, nm-mmm.
Fozzie 	Pity. I was hoping you could tell me.
Kermit 	(spitting out the cigar) Uh, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Oh...
Kermit 	I want an explanation.
Fozzie 	Oh, dear, yes. I was afraid of that. Um, uh, explanation. Uh, Chef! Chef! Chef, come here. Explain to the frog...all-all the things here. Explain.
Kermit 	What-what?
Swedish Chef	(Mock-Swedish speak)
 	Fozzie fumbles around with Rowlf and Link. Kermit eventually walks onstage, grimacing, as the Chef follows.
Fozzie 	C'mon, faster. Faster! What are you doing? Where are you? Link? Link, you fool, where are you? What's going...no, no, I want water. Will you stop that? Gimme the bucket. No, I want a full bucket, you fool. Will you get away from me?
Link 	Ohhh! Ohhh!
Fozzie 	Will you stop crying?!
==Gonzo's Act==
 	Kermit enters onstage, some light smoke appearing behind him.
Kermit	Uh, uh, uh, OK. Uh, whatever. Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, uh, in his premiere presentation of immortal perfection...otherwise known as rank stupidity, uh, the-the Great Gonzo will yodel Rimsky-Korsakov while riding on a motorized pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
 	Kermit leaves, waving his arms as Gonzo rushes in with his pogo stick.
 	
Gonzo 	Yo, howdy, hi! Thank you very much! Gee, hold on to your socks, here it comes!
 	Music begins and Gonzo yodels along, bouncing up and down. Soon, the pogo stick bounces furiously, dragging him around the stage until finally drilling a hole in the stage. Gonzo falls with a thud. Kermit rushes in.
Kermit	Gonzo? Uh. Hey, we can't have a hole in the stage. Uh, uh, Fozzie, carpenter!
 	Fozzie runs in with a plank and a saw.
Fozzie	Uh, carpenter! Carpenter coming! Yes, sir.
Kermit	We got a hole in the stage over there. (ducks under Fozzie's board)
Fozzie	Where's the hole, sir? Where is it?
Kermit	Uh, right over there. (ducking again)
Fozzie	Oh, there. Yes, sir. Oh, boy.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, yeah. Take the lights off that part of the stage.
Fozzie	Uh, yes, sir. Scooter, lights off! Oh, boy.
 	The lights dim, leaving everything in the dark except for Kermit. Fozzie leaves the stage.
Kermit	Fozzie, now I can't see a thing. Where are you?
Fozzie	Uh, I-I'm over here by the hole.
Kermit	I'll follow the sound of your voiiiiicceeee!
 	Kermit falls into the hole.
 	
Fozzie	Oh, no. Oh, Kermit, are you hurt?!
Kermit	(off-screen) Uh, not too bad. I landed on Gonzo.
Fozzie	(stammering) I'll do the intro. Uh, Scooter, lights!
 	The lights turn back on. Fozzie steps around the hole.
Fozzie	Oh, boy. Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark! Curtains! Oh, that's me! Oh, oh.
 	Fozzie runs off-stage and opens the curtains.
=="Sally Was a Good Old Girl"==
	
	Roy sings "Sally Was a Good Old Girl" in a barn with the jugband, farm animals and others. By the number's end, the set fills with some from backstage. Roy produces a gas mask.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit enters, covered in bandages.
Kermit 	Okay. Well, that just about wraps up tonight's show. And I must say, I know how it feels.
 	Fozzie enters.
Fozzie 	Kermit, Kermit. Please don't fire me. (hugging Kermit) Oh, beg, grovel, plead, please.
Kermit 	Okay, okay, okay.
Fozzie 	Oh, thank you! (kisses Kermit) Listen, I'm-I'm really sorry about, you know, the stagehands, an-and the hole in the floor there...
Kermit 	The hole, yeah.
Fozzie 	(removing his hat) ...and, oh, and the fire, and the rest of it.
Kermit 	(shocked) Fire? We had a fire here?
 	
Fozzie 	(moving away from Kermit) ...no.
Kermit 	Huh?
Fozzie 	Uh, I mean, uh... Well, at least, yes. A cute, little small one.
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	Oh, please! You wouldn't hit a bear in front of a guest star, would you?
Kermit 	What does that have to do with anything?
Fozzie 	...ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark!
Kermit 	Roy Clark, yeah!
Fozzie 	Roy Clark, yes, yes!
 	The crowd applauds as Roy enters, playing his fiddle. Kermit and Fozzie dance along until he wraps up.
Roy 	Whoo!
Kermit 	Oh, wow.
Fozzie 	Yes, yes!
Kermit 	Roy, you are one hot fiddle player. What is your secret?
Roy 	Just a hot fiddle!
 	
 	The fiddle shakes and emits smoke. Fozzie throws his hat away in fright.
Fozzie 	Fire! Fire! Fire!
 	The Singing Fireman rush onto the stage.
Kermit 	Watch out for the hole!
 	The firemen all fall down into the hole.
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie 	Up here! Roy!
 	Some animals from the closing gather as the closing theme begins.
Statler	I thought, for once, the show really caught fire. (laughs)
Waldorf	I thought it burnt itself out, same as always. (both laugh)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts