The Fancy Date

The Fancy Date is an episode written by Golfpecks256, Chairman of Banana Studios, Inc., as an entry for the eighth round of the second season of Spin Off Kings.
===Transcript===
"The Fancy Date"
[scene begins at Squidward's house]
Squidward: La da deem, la da dam, la da doo. Alright Squiddy, time to read the Sunday paper. [opens door]
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! Happy Valentines Day!
Squidward: Waaaaa- SpongeBob! What are you doing here so early?
SpongeBob: Oh, I just wanted to check in to see how my favorite next-door neighbor's doing on Valentines Day! Who's your Valentine, Squidward?
Squidward: [unbothered] I don't have one. [sighs]
SpongeBob: Oh, that's okay! Love will someday find a way! [puts on a red-colored sombrero with a knitted heart at its center] [gives a thumbs up and winks]
Squidward: Wait a second, Bob, did you steal my mail again? 
SpongeBob: No silly! I got this nice-looking sombrero in a package addressed by Sandy, of course!
[Patrick comes out of his rock]
Patrick: [echoes] GOOD MORNING! [echo stops] Hey SpongeBob, whatcha- [freaks out] NO! SPONGEBOB! Take that thing off you! You don't want to get eaten by the... [dark music] Sea Bear!
SpongeBob: [reassuring] Oh calm down, buddy. Remember, you have to do a bunch of other things to attract one?
Patrick: Don't worry, I'll save ya! [snatches his sombrero] 
Patrick: [reads the note attached at the back] 
[Sandy's note: Dear SpongeBob, Happy Valentine's Day! You mean the world to me. Enjoy this gift! Love, Sandy [heart] ]
Patrick: Why didn't that squirrel send me one?!
SpongeBob: I dunno, Pat-
Patrick: This is injustice! [crosses his arms]
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm sure she mean to forget about you, buddy. [starts happily laughing]
Patrick: Why does it have a weird, red shaped, diamond on it, SpongeBob?
Squidward: That's not a diamond, you dunce. That's a-
SpongeBob: [makes a heart shape with his two hands] Heart. [looks up with two hands together] Oh, how kind of her!
Patrick: Blimey, SpongeBob, Sandy officially [slowly] L O V E S you! This is unmistakable!
SpongeBob: Nah, I think she just sent it as a friend gift.
Patrick: Nonsense. She's trying to tell you something, of course. [giggles]
SpongeBob: Tell me something? [day dreams lost in thought] Tell me wha-?
Patrick: Oh, silly. She wants to eat food with you.
SpongeBob: Eat food with me?
Patrick: [nods] Yes! Eat food with you!
Squidward: D'oh, that's not what it's called, pinhead...
Patrick: Yipee, I'm pinhead Larry! Thanks for the reminder, Squidward!
Squidward: [frowns] Back to the topic, it's called a date. Get it right!
SpongeBob: A date on the calendar, you mean?
Squidward: A date means going out with someone you like, moron.
SpongeBob: Ooo! Have you ever gone on a date, Squidward?
Squidward: Uh... [gets a flashback to how Squilvia eventually dumped him after he dropped an expensive bouquet of flowers into the sea] Maybe.
SpongeBob: Any tips you have?
Squidward: Don't be a moron. [picks up SpongeBob, turns him around, and then kicks him back to his house]
SpongeBob: [takes out Magic Conch Shell] Oh, Magic Conch Shell, should I call Sandy to go out on a food date?
Magic Conch Shell: Without hesitance.
SpongeBob: [gets up] Time to ring up Sandy!
Patrick: Oh boyyo, this is going to be great!
[SpongeBob and Patrick both walk into SpongeBob's house. Patrick reads a magazine while SpongeBob dials in Sandy, but she doesn't pick up]
SpongeBob: Oh, Tartar Sauce! Guess she must be busy.
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob: I almost forgot. Oh Gary! Time for your bath!
Gary: [angry] Meow!
SpongeBob: Oh, come here, Gare Bear! [picks up Gary and takes him upstairs]
[After a few minutes, Sandy calls back and Patrick picks up the phone]
Sandy: Hello, is this SpongeBob calling?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [puts down the phone]
Sandy: Hmph...
French Narrator: Two minutes later.
[Phone rings]
Sandy: Hello? Is SpongeBob on the line?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick! [throws down the phone]
Sandy: Darn it!
French Narrator: Five minutes later.
Sandy: Hello, can I speak to SpongeBob?
Patrick: No! [through a megaphone] THIS IS PATRICK! [slams down the phone] Now good riddance!
SpongeBob: [drying Gary] What was that? [walks out] Patrick? What was that noise?
Patrick: Stupid Ms. Cheeks kept thinking I was SpongeBob! I showed her a piece of my mind.
SpongeBob: Oh, poor Sandy. She was probably trying to see if I had something important to tell her. [picks up the phone and starts dialing] [pauses] I don't know if I can do this, Patrick...
Patrick: Oh, come on, SpongeBob, it can't be that hard.
SpongeBob: Words of encouragement, maybe?
Patrick: Keep on believing yourself, buddy! [chants] Trust yourself! 
SpongeBob: [sweats]
Patrick: Believe yourself!
SpongeBob: [trembles]
Patrick: Keep on having hopes and dreams!
SpongeBob: [coughs]
SpongeBob: Hello, sweet one?
Sandy: Oh my, [chuckles] who might this be on the end of the line?
SpongeBob: Oh, your own Spongé who recently received a wonderful gift from Sand-ay!
Sandy: Did you like it?
SpongeBob: Like it? I fell in love with it!
Sandy: That sounds quite sound! Anything else you want to tell me? [listens in]
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, um, uh, [whispers] [scene zooms to Sandy listening in] What do I tell her, Patrick?
Patrick: Just tell her you want to go out for some lasagna with her? Nobody can resist lasagna.
SpongeBob: How do I know she likes lasagna? 
[Sandy quietly smiles in the background]
Patrick: D'oh, who could resist lasagna?
SpongeBob: Uh... Sandy, do you want to go out and eat food- erm... some nice and rich lasagna with me?
Sandy: Hm, I'm allergic to some types of chees-
Patrick: [grabs phone] Come on, Sandy! Who could resist lasagna? [whispers to SpongeBob] Only a nut-job from dumb ol' Texas, maybe. Hehe.
Sandy: [frowns] What were you saying, Patrick?
Patrick: [high-pitched] Oh! Nothing! Your ears must be filled with cotton.
Sandy: Hmmmm.... sounds a little fishy. I wouldn't mind going on a ... hm.. date with you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Ooo! Yes! That's what I meant! I couldn't quite grasp the right words. Is tonight a-okay for you, oh lovely one?
Sandy: It couldn't be better time to reserve time for only the most beautiful!
SpongeBob: All right, where's the venue for this, ahem, esteemed dinner?
Sandy: I know a good place around town with fancy food and the like. It can be a little expensive, though.
Patrick: Oh no worries. I stole $500 from Squidward's bank account last weekend, hehe.
[SpongeBob and Sandy both portray confused expressions]
Sandy: Anyway, I'll see ya there!
SpongeBob: Indeed, queen Sandy! Ta-ta! [hangs up]
[SpongeBob has a meltdown]
SpongeBob: What am I going to do?! I'm too nervous, Pat.
Patrick: Oh, don't be a baby, SpongeBob. This is part of being a man.
SpongeBob: That's not helping.
Patrick: Man, you even counseled grouchy Squidward on how to be a courteous gentleman to his date. That's breaking records, man.
SpongeBob: You're right. And Squilvia liked Squiddy, right?
Patrick: [proudly and happily] Nope!
SpongeBob: [confused] Erm... okay then. [scratches head]
French Narrator: Five hours later.
[SpongeBob arrives to an expensive restaurant in a bottle, with Patrick as his bodyguard, in a limousine, in a gentleman's tuxedo]
[SpongeBob arrives to the front of the restaurant, where Squidward is seen working as a waiter as a part-time weekend job]
SpongeBob: Greetings, monsieur. [bows]
Squidward: Excuse me, what are you doing here in this eatery, SpongeBob?! This place is only for the most exquisite!
Manager: Excuse me, Sir. This kind, young man is financing a $500 excursion at this establishment. All employees are expected be in top code behavior with great respect to Mr. SquarePants and his guests.
Squidward: You're kidding me, right?
Manager: [sneers] Please show this customer and his pet star-
Patrick: Hey!
Manager: -their seats next to Ms. Cheeks.
Squidward: [grabs some menus] I hope I get a raise for this.
[Squidward leads SpongeBob and Patrick to a table with Sandy already on it.]
Squidward: [groans] May I take your order?
Manager: MR. SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: [rubs face] Can I get anything for you to drink, madam and sir?
SpongeBob: Hmm.. [examines menu] [gets distracted] Oh Sandy! You look like a snowflake!
Sandy: Oh, how kind of you, SpongeBob!
Squidward: Can we hurry up!
Patrick: No.
SpongeBob: I'll let my lovely darling order first.
Sandy: I'll have some water.
SpongeBob: Me too!
Patrick: Me three!
Patrick's tummy: <- Patrick smudges his tummy to pronounce. -> Me four! 
Squidward: Someone tell me why a restaurant for decent-minded people would allow these freaks.
Manager: MR. SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: Oh. Nothing! [walks away to get some glasses of water]
SpongeBob: Say, so how's life going for you, Mrs. SpongeBob SquarePants?
Sandy: Ah, SpongeBob. What a good sense of humor. I was working on a scientific rocket project to the moon, when-
Patrick: [laughs] Oh, Sandy! I think he means the unscientific part of life, for laughing out loud!
Sandy: [confused] Well! Today's Valentines Day, so I knew I couldn't let this handsome-est person in the world get through today without a gift and card!
[Sandy moves closer to SpongeBob's face...]
Patrick: This is it!
[... as if to give a kiss, but then Squidward interrupts them with drinks]
Squidward: Four drinks for SpongeBob, ...
Manager: ADDRESS THEM CORRECTLY!
Squidward: [growns] Mr. SquarePants, [gives drink] Ms. Cheeks, [gives drink] Mr. Star, [gives drink] and...
Patrick: [mouths and points] Tum-Tum!
Squidward: Ugh. Give me a break for once. [puts drink on the table with eyes closed and face turned] [checks shift hours] [turns around and moans to himself] Only half an hour left of misery. Welcome to my world.
Patrick: Thank you, señor Squidward.
Squidward: May I finally take your order?
Sandy: I'll order-
Patrick: Everything on the menu.
Squidward: What? So you can stuff it into your mouth? Pipe down while I take the orders of the matriarch and patriarch here who are paying my salary. Mr. SquarePants and Ms. Cheeks, please inform me what you want.
SpongeBob: [gestures] After you, beautiful.
Sandy: [chuckles] How kind of you. I'll order some nutty butter on toast!
Squidward: Ma'am, this is a high-class restaurant.
Sandy: You're saying I'm not high-class?
Manager: MR. SQUIDWARD! ONE MORE STRIKE AND YOU'RE OUT!
Squidward: D'oh! Fine! Nutty butter it is, then! I don't know if we have any, but who cares! SpongeBob, may I take your order?
SpongeBob: I'll order a Krabby Patty please!
Squidward: [smacks face] This isn't the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, I'll prepare one!
[SpongeBob walks past Squidward into the kitchen]
Squidward: You aren't an employee here, moron. 
[SpongeBob ignores him and continues]
Squidward: [sighs] Mr. Star, please tell me what you want without delay.
Patrick: Um... uh...
[Five minutes later]
Patrick: Um... uh...
Squidward: Spit it out, already!
Patrick: I'll take, uh, everything on the menu!
Squidward: There's no way in Neptune's name you have enough money in your broke pockets to pay for this stuff! Go eat in the trash where you belong!
Patrick: Oh really...?! [reveals $500 in cash]
Squidward: OK, NEVERMIND! ORDER UP! EVERYTHING ON THE MENU FOR MR. STAR!
Sandy: Isn't this date supposed to be about me and SpongeBob?
Manager: ORDER UP! ORDER UP!
SpongeBob: [returns] Here's a Krabby Party and a Nutty Butter sandwich.
[SpongeBob and Sandy finally start eating]
Sandy: SpongeBob, don't you think this restaurant is superb? 
SpongeBob: Oh, haha, it's more than superb! It's FANTASTIC!
[They continue eating]
Patrick: Aw! My order is taking so long!
Sandy: Must be because of the extra calories
SpongeBob: Sandy, have you ever felt we were meant for each other?
Sandy: I've always thought we were great partners!
SpongeBob: In the friend sense, or in the L-O-V-E sense?
Sandy: [chuckles] You know which one?
Patrick: Maybe both.
SpongeBob: Wonderful weather we're having.
Sandy: Couldn't say so more myself!
Squidward: [drags a wagon of food] Mr. Seastar, here's your buffet bash, all cooked up! Can't wait for that salary raise!
Patrick: Oh boy! [leaps across the table and sucks in everything through his mouth like a vacuum while Squidward watches in awe. Patrick's saliva gets on him, the restaurant, and "the couple"]
Squidward: Patrick! You disgusting ape!
Patrick: [loudly burps]
[SpongeBob and Sandy start laughing in unison]
SpongeBob: Boy, that must've been something!
Sandy: Yeah! The only other thing that has an appetite greater than Patrick is the abominable sea worm!
SpongeBob: Oh man, our date has been great. Imagine if Squidward was as exquisite as us!
Squidward: Uh, excuse moi? I'm more exquisite than all of you and Squilliam combined!
Squilliam: Did I hear something?
Squidward: What are you doing eating in this prized establishment?
Squilliam: Oh, I just got a, ahem, special call from Mr. Patrick NotStar to come and eat at this diner while you suffer in misery! Haha!
Squidward: This isn't my job! I work at a rich bank! You work on the streets!
Squilliam: In your dreams, Squiddy.
SpongeBob: Oh, lovely, I'm stuffed. Sweetheart, let's go for a stroll.
Sandy: Good idea! Where to?
SpongeBob: Oh, I don't know... perhaps, [smirks] the sunset near the sand of Goo Lagoon?
Patrick: Call up the limo!
Squilliam: Ah, Squidward will never stop being jealous of his more respected counterparts. [laughs] A HE, A HE, A HE!
Squidward: Oh, would you shut up, already?
Manager: MR. SQUIDWARD! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I GOT TO TELL YOU?! YOU'RE NOW FIRED!
Squidward: What?!
Manager: [kicks Squidward out of the restaurant]
SpongeBob: Shall we go?
Patrick: WAIT! [points]
Manager: [rings a bell] WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!?!
Patrick: ME! ME! ME! ME!
SpongeBob: OH ME TO!
[SpongeBob and Patrick dash and consume twelve glasses of ice cream, while Sandy stares at SpongeBob. They both then burp]
SpongeBob: Oh, excuse me! [Sandy and SpongeBob start laughing]
Sandy: That was cute.
Patrick: Can I get more?
SpongeBob: [whispers] Shhh. Pat. It's time for the scene, remember?
Patrick: [whispers] Oh yeah.
[The trio walk to the limousine and the scene transitions to the far edge near the parking lot of Goo Lagoon]
[SpongeBob and Sandy get out of the car. SpongeBob takes off his fedora and unveils a golden ring]
SpongeBob: [gets down on his knees] Oh sweet one of great talents. Of record-breaking assets. Of unmatched beauty. Darling, will you marry me?
Sandy: [happily gasps] Oh, um... 
Patrick: This is it!
Sandy: Um...
Patrick: The answer to the story of SpongeBob's and Sandy's relationship! Roll the tape!
Sandy: Um... n-YES! WHY WOULDN'T I, MAN?!
[SpongeBob initially air kisses Sandy, and then they zoom in at sunset at the edge of the sand near the limo]
SpongeBob: [kisses Sandy to majestic music] It has been done.
Squidward: [runs out of nowhere] HEY! WHO STOLE MY $500 PRECIOUS DOLLARS?!?!
Patrick: Uh...
Squidward: [insanely] I'M GONNA-! [runs and marches with a canon] BLAST YOU TWO IMBECILES TO DAVY JONES' LOCKER WHERE YOU BELONG!
SpongeBob: Davy Jones' Locker?
Sandy: What?
Patrick: Oh, that place is sweet! Send us extra fast!
[Squidward picks up the duo and throws them in the canon...]
SpongeBob: Nooooooooooo!
[...and blasts them out to see]
Squidward: [claps hands] A wonderful end to this tale!
Sandy: [face turns red] I'll show you little scum! [gets out karate glove and smacks Squidward into the air into a nearby trench]
French Narrator: Tragic.
[episode ends]
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