Family Guy: This Ain't Family Friendly/Transcript

*20th century fox logo plays (2009-2020)*
*20th century fox logo zooms into quahog*
*the town is shown*
20th century fox presents.
in association with fuzzy door productions.
directed by seth mcfarlane
starring
James Corden
Christina Hendricks
Oakes Fegley
oona laurence
seth mcfarlane
Caleel Harris
based on fox's family guy
*quahog zooms into the griffin's house*
*family guy theme song plays*
Lois: It seems today
That all you see
Is violence in movies and s£x on TV
Peter: But where are those good old fashioned values
Entire Family: On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a Family Guy
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
Entire Family: it's...the....Fam..ily... Guy! movie!!!!
(peter: this ain't family friendly!)
*scene cuts to peter griffin in a movie theatre*
peter: before we start, listen up!
WARNING: the following film is too mature, violent, hot, sweary and too awesome for anyone under 14. SERIOUSLY! this isn't a drill!
if i ever see you guys, bring a kid, then i hope they don't throw a tantrum, besides, they shouldn't be here anyway! no 5 year old or any child needs to see it! they already seen enough! so get your kids outta here! NOW! you've got 15 seconds starting now
*15 seconds timer appears*
*peter is whistling*
peter: they're gone! good! now let's begin!
*scene cuts to the family having dinner*
lois: so peter, how was your day?
peter: bad as f****
lois: what do you mean?
peter: so today, quagmire, joe, and cleveland forgot i was there, probably because they don't recognise me wearing this donald duck T-shirt.
lois: you look like....i don't know in that! you just do.
chris: mom! how come i don't get to wear that?
lois: because this is too big for your size!
chris: i wish i was taller like dad!
meg: about dad, hey dad! did you remember to buy more vegetables? because it seems we're running out!
peter: what do you mean?
meg: this dinner is the last time we use veggies, we're outta them by midnight!
peter: *beats up meg* we have plenty you son of a b***
*peter opens the fridge full of veggies*
peter: see *laughs* and meg! never come crying because we're outta food. okay! because if not, then i have a gun!
stewie: hey brian! do you think my plan will work, i mean my thingamagic 2000 could come in handy!
brian: we haven't tested it yet! maybe we should after dinner *sips his whiskey*
lois: stewie no toys at the table! you can have it back once you finish your dinner.
*takes the thingamagic 2000 away*
stewie: oh screw this! mummy! bring that thing back! or i will send you to.....ANTARTICA!
lois: don't pout stewie, or else there'll be a chair you have to sit on..and they'll be no escape!
brian: oh god! this is going great!
*the family looks at brian*
brian: i'm gonna go upstairs *walks slowly*
*scene cuts to peter at the drunken clam*
peter: hello everyone i'm peter, not a person wearing a donald duck t shirt.
quagmire: hello
joe: hey
cleveland: got one for me?
peter: ok ok. but that's all over, so right after dinner, i had a shower, but then there was a scary spider! he was...this big! so i put fire in the shower! but then the house caught on fire, and we had to leave!
quagmire *laughs*: giggity giggity goo! that was oddly funny! imagine if it was a hot girl though! oooo giggity giggity!
joe: why would you put fire, i get it, the spider could be dangerous but if i were you, i would use reppellant. or stamp on it, or use a flip-flop.
peter: those things are overused! nevermind.
cleveland: i would actually do the same thing too peter! spiders in showers scare almost everyone! it's like pennywise in a bath!
JOE: No, Cleveland, in this movie! nobody uses the cutaways. it's for the show only.
Peter: then the movie would be boring!
Quagmire: Just like you joe! just like you.
Joe: WON'T EVERYONE STOP BREAKING THE 4TH FREAKIN' WALL!!!
peter: OKAY! OKAY! joe. no need to scream and shout!
Joe: what did i DO?
*scene cuts to the family outside their house*
*peter runs in*
peter: sorry everyone! big mixup! this wasn't the spa-
lois: PETER! did you know. the HOUSE IS ON FIRE?
peter: and-Oh wait, i've got the news on my phone.
*Scene cuts to Quahog 5 news, zoomed from his phone screen
Tom tucker: Hello everyone! welcome to Quahog 5 news. tonight's top story! the griffins are the most wanted family in all of quahog and possibly in the whole world! is this a mystery or myth? or even fact? we now move to Tricia Takanawa, who you should know, is the reporter.
Tricia: *biting her nails* Uh...Be brave Tricia, Be brave Tricia-oh! According to the FCC, The griffin's are the most reported Criminal Family in the world! is it because they're cheeky? or sassy? or EVIL? We'll soon find out. Now, Here's a word from the FCC president.
*holds news microphone to the FCC president*
FCC president: hey! gimme that! *snatches tricia's news mic*
Griffin's, you're the worst family on Public TV, Especially Animated, I know where you live, i know what you're doing, you're the most inappropriate abomination in the world! I will see you...tonight... or you'll be forced to be in a preschool show as your punishment, kapeesh?
Tricia: Hey! gimme that! hey!
*scene cuts to static*
*scene cuts to the family outside their burnt house*
Chris: *sigh* what do we do now?
Peter: maybe we must do a reprise of the FCC! but with all of us in it!
*FCC song plays*
Peter: *singing* They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this
Lois: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a pi$$
stewie: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss
the entire family: It's the plain situation! There's no negotiation!
peter:With the fellas at the freakin' FCC!
*shows innapropriate footage of family guy*
*scene cuts to brian Wearing a tuxedo and a pipe*
Brian: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups...
Chris: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
the entire family: Take a tip, take a lesson! You'll never win by messin'
Peter: With the fellas at the freakin' FCC.
*scene shows a couple and meg appears with a harp*
Meg: And if you find yourself with some young s£xy thing
You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling,
Cause you can't say peni$!
Peter: So they sent this little warning they're prepared to do their worst
Lois: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced
Chris, meg and stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first!
The entire Family: They may just be neurotic or possibly psychotic
*scene shows inappropriate things, the griffins have done over the years*
They're the fellas at the freakin' FCC!!!!
*scene cuts to the family outside their house*
Lois: Oh good! thanks a bunch peter. Now the FCC president is coming! BOO! BOO! 
we shouldv'e been a show on cartoon network!
peter: by the time the film came out, we're on adult swim. 
Lois: still... 
stewie: i hate where this conversation is going...
Brian: me too. how about we start our own movie..
stewie: no... what? do we look like Bill and ted?
Brian: well...nevermind.... we'll stick with the griffins...
FCC president: well well well.....we just popped in your house, 
Peter: why?
FCC president: because i Demand a lawsuit! for Being too inappropriate...and if you've watched the news... you'd now what would happen.
Peter: i can't remember, i saw you on the news app though....
FCC president: you'll be forced to star in a preschool show.
Peter: now i remember
FCC president: good for you. *walks away slowly*