Joint Pain/Transcript

This is the transcript for Joint Pain, which aired on December 3, 2020.
==Transcript==
1 You're free, little bird.
Go.
Fly.
Can this little bird stay here? What's going on? Talk to Gideon.
[SIGHS.]
I got to meet my ex and start my divorce mediation in an hour.
Mm.
So any blood you didn't give here, you gonna give there.
Who's your mediator? I think his name's O'Connell.
Malcolm O'Connell.
That's good for you.
He hates women.
- How do you know? - We're dating.
Mediation's not so bad.
It's better than divorce court.
- I didn't know you were married.
- 12 years.
Her name's Leslie.
They met in college.
She got his house and half his dental practice.
Gideon listens.
And Jerry told Gideon that in confidence.
It's just so weird.
We're gonna sit there and divvy up 15 years of marriage.
It's not that hard.
Here's what you do: you figure out what she really wants, fight like hell to get it, and then you burn it all on her front lawn.
No.
No, no.
I'm not gonna play any of those games.
Julia can have whatever she wants.
Listen to you, man.
You sound like a lamb going to slaughter.
[SIGHS.]
I don't care.
I just want it to be over with so we can all move on.
[BAAING.]
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive DREW: Okay, man.
This is it.
It's go time.
Just pee like you have normal kidneys.
Nothing? - Come on.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- What the hell? - [URINE SPLATTERS.]
Oh, now you go.
What's going on? I'm waxing Gabby's legs.
[SIGHS.]
You made me pee all over the floor.
You peed? Congratulations.
You slayed the dragon.
And drained the lizard.
Can't you do this somewhere else? Look at this mess.
[SHUDDERS.]
[GASPING.]
Ah! [SHUDDERS.]
[MOANING SHAKILY.]
Gina! Drew, we both have home businesses.
You do therapy.
I do bikini waxing.
I dare you to tell me which matters more - on a summer day at the beach.
- [SCOFFS.]
I thought your business was selling that "artisanal" beer you brew in the garage.
Well, it's a package deal.
First I get 'em drunk, then I get 'em smooth.
Worked on me.
Let's face it.
I am not getting rich working at a retirement home.
Unless I get into somebody's will.
What about that rich old lesbian who puts vodka shots in her chamomile tea? - But I'm not gay.
- She's worth, like, two mill.
But I'm open to new things.
Gina, you're being chased by loan sharks.
Sleep with her.
Well, where you going? Uh, my divorce mediation starts today.
Oh, hey, you got this.
Mediation strong.
Hey, I just want to get in there and get it over with as quickly as possible.
Does he know about your other business? You mean the pot farm I started in the basement? Don't worry.
As long as I've got his kidney, I've got his support.
So, I'm an advocate for both of you.
If you treat each other with respect, we can make these sessions go smoothly.
Okay.
Well, I guess I'll start.
Uh, I-I actually made a list of some of the larger items that we bought together.
I highlighted the ones that I would like to keep, but, you know, you just take a look, tell me what you want, and I'm open to discussion.
You know what? I don't want any of it.
But you barely looked at it.
I don't need to.
It's just stuff.
I don't want it.
Okay.
I think I know what's going on here.
So he is having a major health issue you know, down there.
Oh, oh, h-hang on.
[CHUCKLES.]
She means my kidney, not my penis.
Why would he think I meant your penis? Because "down there" means penis.
But my penis is fine.
It's a tip-top penis.
I'm gonna stop saying "penis" now, but you need to know, it's a great penis.
Duly noted.
Come on.
You must want something.
- Nope.
- What about the piano? Remember when Maddie was in Annie? You guys practiced for hours on that thing.
She doesn't care about that anymore.
You take it.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You always do this.
You always play the victim and make me the bad guy.
No, no, Julia.
I want you to take everything.
I want you to be happy.
Well, you see what I'm dealing with.
I want to do a three-game parlay.
- Pats plus the points.
Come in.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Browns on the money line.
And Niners/Falcons on the over.
Yeah, I'm sure.
[SCOFFS.]
Unless the bet goes kaput, and then I have dementia and I never made this call.
I've got a little delivery for you.
A quart of my homemade beer.
And a quarter ounce of my homemade weed.
Oh, you sweetie.
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
Ah, brings me back.
- To Monday? - Hey.
It's been a long week.
So how's it going living with kidney boy? [SIGHS.]
I feel bad for him.
On top of everything else, he's going through this really rough divorce.
If only he could be pacified with beer and weed like you.
Well, how lucky that he has someone like you in his life.
Easy, Norma.
You're already getting the friends and family discount.
Oh, wait a minute.
Mr.
Colavito was asking if you could get him any ecstasy.
He's 90 years old.
What's he want ecstasy for? I don't know, he met a girl.
Or a guy.
I was half listening.
[PLAYING "TOMORROW".]
[MASHES KEYS.]
This song is a lie.
The sun isn't coming out tomorrow.
The sun is never coming out.
Hey.
There he is.
How was mediation? Oof.
It was horrific.
Oh, man.
Are you okay? Do I look okay? Honestly, you kind of look like this a lot.
Come here.
[SIGHS.]
I just didn't think it would hurt this much.
I was just sitting there with her, and suddenly it hit me.
- My marriage is over.
- Ugh.
I can't even imagine.
This has got be the worst day of my life.
I mean, not as bad as, "Drew, I want a divorce," or, "Drew, you need a new kidney," or, "Drew, the jazz band is just not for you.
" I'm so sorry.
Would a little weed cheer you up? Hey, you're supposed to be giving that up.
Oh, my God, chill.
I'm not smoking it.
I'm just selling it.
But for you, the first one's free, little boy.
Yeah, I'm-I'm not really good at pot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
I didn't say put it away.
Okay, you ready? One, two, three.
Did you feel that? [LAUGHS.]
: No.
Not at all.
Oh, man.
My leg looks like it did when I was seven.
Hey there, little guy.
Remember, love is a lie.
All right, give me the other one.
Man - I really liked being married.
- Yeah? What did you like about it? It just it was comforting.
You know? It was like eating a grilled cheese with tomato soup on a rainy day.
Or-or a fat stack of blueberry ricotta pancakes.
Oh, no.
A salted caramel pie with a mound of whipped cream, all this chocolate sauce dribbled all over it.
I'll be right back.
Don't move.
And don't worry.
You'll get married again.
No.
Julia was the one.
We weren't always on the same page, but we always made a good team.
Even when we were breaking the law.
[GASPS.]
Drew Dunbar broke the law? Oh! - Okay.
True story.
- Mm-hmm? Wait, I lost it.
It's back, baby.
We went to the Berkshires for a weekend.
- Mm-hmm.
- The fall tour.
The leaves Red, orange, yellow.
No, it was a ski trip.
But I don't ski, so why would I be on a ski trip? Okay, maybe we skip over this part.
All right.
Anyway, the car broke down.
And I told Julia that that little exclamation mark is never a good thing, but she just gives me one of those little hair flips, you know? Like Yeah? Anyway, we pushed it, like, a mile and a half to this gas station that also sells these little souvenirs.
And the mechanic totally ripped us off.
But we got our revenge.
Oh, my God, what did you do? We stole a ceramic owl.
Oh.
Is that the big finish? Pretty twisted, right? [CHUCKLES.]
I still have it.
It's, uh It's gone.
Who who Are you trying to call it? Hoo.
Hoo, hoo, hoo.
She took it.
Julia took my owl.
- Hey, where are you going? - To get it back.
She doesn't get to keep the happy memories.
They're not community property.
Maybe let me drive.
Fine.
Okay, you wait here.
I'll be right back.
Go get you some owl.
Do you know there's a hallucinogenic quality to your pot? [SIGHS.]
Thank you.
Julia! Julia, I want my owl! Julia? [RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Hey.
- She's not home.
- Then break in.
But I have an emergency key.
Well, then use it.
Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Of course.
Man, you're like a real-life Siri.
Oh.
Okay, owl, where are you? Now, how did you get up Of course.
You're a bird.
Oh, no.
[GROANS.]
: Ow.
Really? You smoked all that weed? They were showing The Big Lebowski in the rec room.
You can't watch that straight.
So, what, another quarter ounce? That'd be lovely.
You're running up quite a tab, you know.
Well, I'm good for it.
Unless the Steelers choke in the fourth again.
May their kicker rot in hell.
Okay, I'll swing by after I help Drew steal an owl.
Oh, crap, she's here.
- The owl? - Julia.
I-I got to go.
Who names an owl "Julia"? [GRUNTING.]
Drew? What the hell? - Uh - [PHONE CHIMES.]
Very helpful.
What are you doing in my home? And why do I smell pot? That's me.
I do drugs now.
Good for you.
Why are you here? - I came to get the owl.
- Why? Because it means something to me.
- And I'm keeping the piano.
- Okay.
And there are a few other things I want, like like this, my favorite fabric bowl.
Look at you, fighting for stuff.
Yeah, well, beware the doormat that gets stepped on one too many times.
By the way, I'm keeping the doormat.
Where was this guy all these years? He was asleep.
But he's awake now, so get used to it, sweetheart.
Oh, wow, you are definitely high.
But I don't hate it.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- No, no, no, no.
Don't talk.
You're gonna ruin it.
Drew, are you sure this is safe for your kidney? I don't know.
I don't care.
- Keep going.
- Okay.
[CHIMES.]
That was nice.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I guess when one organ fails, - another one picks up the slack.
- Right? I'm as surprised as you are.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't believe I'm gonna ask you this, but did you shave a leg? Don't be ridiculous.
I waxed.
[LAUGHS.]
I liked it.
Kind of felt like I was in a threesome.
Oh.
Well, if you're up for round two - Yeah.
- [PAINED CRY.]
- Ow! - What's the matter? Ow.
I don't know.
Something's wrong.
Oh, no, is it your kidney? Was I too rough? Oh, no, no.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
It's fine.
- Round two.
- Okay.
[PAINED GROAN.]
No.
- Hospital.
Got to go to the hospital.
- Oh, my God.
Okay.
And for the record, - I could've gone two more times.
- Okay.
[KNOCK ON CAR DOOR.]
I wasn't looking through your glove compartment.
- Open the door.
- What's going on? You have to take me to the hospital! - What? What's happening? - JULIA: Here.
I did not give him the pot.
It wasn't the pot.
Then what happened? I think I might have hurt Drew's kidney.
What? How? [ENGINE STARTS.]
Mmm - Just drive! - Driving.
I'm driving.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Anything? - No.
They're still in there running tests on him.
Hey, you want a snack? It's on me.
Just punch in the universal reset code, and voilÃ .
Gina.
That is awesome.
Grab me some chips.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
I cannot believe this is happening.
[SIGHS.]
This could be really, really bad.
I mean, Drew could No, no, no, no, no, no.
Do not go there.
That is not fair to you or to him.
[SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- What? Nothing.
I just thought, if you were right, that we could say he went out with a bang.
It'll be funny later, but it's too soon right now.
Yeah.
Hey, he's gonna be okay.
Yeah, you're right.
[SIGHS.]
What about you two? [LAUGHS.]
: What about us? Could you ever see yourself with him again? I mean, I don't know.
We have so much history, and I have all these feelings.
But I can't help but wonder if some of them are just because I'm so worried for him, you know? Although tonight sure was fun.
Yeah.
DÃ©jÃ booty always is.
Okay, who's here for Drew Dunbar? Oh.
We-we are.
Wife.
- Legally separated wife.
- Kidney donor.
No ecstasy for a month kidney donor.
- Oh, good for you.
- Thank you.
Way to go being a doctor.
Well, Mr.
Dunbar's gonna be fine.
There's no damage to his kidneys.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh.
Yeah, what happened? It was a pinched nerve.
He said he took a nasty fall.
He did, trying to steal my owl.
You have no idea what I'm talking about.
Never mind.
Okay, donor, stay here.
Legally separated wife, you can see him now.
Okay.
I don't get to see him? I'm the one saving his life.
She broke into your vending machine! - What a relief, huh? - I'll say.
You almost went out with a bang.
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah, too soon.
So, uh, I guess we're not that good at the whole divorce thing, are we? We weren't so hot at the marriage thing either.
- Sex thing works.
- Oh, yeah.
- The sex was great.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Yeah.
Maybe we, uh, build on that.
Pretty fun building block.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Drew - Or not.
- I just I don't think that we're ready to just jump back into things.
You know? I mean, at least I'm not.
Yeah, I get it.
I'm sorry.
Man, the security in this place sucks.
So, what's the word? Till death do us part? Happily ever after? Read the room, Gina.
Read the room.
- Hey, guys.
- ELI: Hey.
How was mediation? I texted you, never heard back.
[SIGHS.]
"All good"? Was that you? Of course it was me.
Hold up.
You don't have my name in your contacts? O'Connell said you had a weird obsession with your penis.
Oh.
Well, if O'Connell's talking about it so much, maybe he's the one with the obsession.
It's two moves, dude.
You press "add contact" and type in my name.
So how badly did you get screwed? That's an interesting choice of words.
Oh, Lord, he slept with his ex.
You did? Uh, it was totally unexpected but nice.
I think it gave us both some much needed closure.
Give me your phone.
I'll add my own damn name.
So, what, is this a one-and-done kind of a situation? Yeah, I think so.
Jerry?! Jerry's in your phone? Aw, thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
I-I just think, if Julia and I kept doing it, we'd only be asking for trouble.
Ah, thanks for bringing over Maddie's retainer.
Sure.
Anytime.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1 Transcripts