LU 272 - Mira 15

I had been staring out the windows of Styg's clinic, my eyes narrowed as I scanned the surroundings outside. Just waiting, to see if that bird motherfucker, Laozi, would show up- I've been having a bad time with birds each time I met one, huh. Nevertheless, I turned, mumbling to myself, wondering where Styg was- Just to find him with two mugs in his hands right in the doorway of the clinic. It was a surprise, which caused me to jump slightly. I hadn't expected him to be right there-
"Is something the matter?" He questioned me with what sounded like concern in his voice- I didn't want to worry him... I told him that everything was fine, considering I had already been enough of a burden on him as it was. He soon handed one of the mugs to me, saying that he had brought me some coffee... I took it from him, expressing my thanks as I smiled towards him. I let the mug warm my palms before taking a sip of it, sighing in satisfaction afterwards. However, he repeated his question, to which I reassured him that things were fine. Things would be fine... I can't have him worrying over silly things to do with my past after all, ahaha-
"Now that I think about it, I don't think that I've uh, properly looked around your place," I started, trying to change the subject. Didn't need to linger on it for so long, anyways. Continuing what I was saying though; "Even with as long as I've been here-" To which he responded by asking if I wanted a tour. That sounded.. pleasant, so I told him that I did, indeed, want a tour, however after taking some time in the garden... The garden that I had first seen him in.
He guided me towards the garden that I had mentioned, which displayed all the greenery and the flowers that I recalled from that day. It was pleasant, being outside like this, without anything to worry about... temporarily. As if things were indeed fine like I wanted them to be. "It's quiet out here, a nice place to just sit and think," he stated. I agreed, stating that it did in fact appear to be a nice place for such things, and confirming that there was indeed a lot to think about…
I once again thanked him for the coffee however, to which he responded, claiming that he had forgotten his own in the clinic. He said that he would be right back, so I remained in the garden, sat on one of the benches, looking towards the night sky... It almost made me wonder why I hadn't admired such a scenery as this so far into my life. My mind slowly began to wander back to Styg, wondering if he was alright, before the window art caught my attention- I just had to end up entertaining myself in his absence. Especially with the silence... To which I got rid of with a small hum of an old tune I remember hearing one time.
Soon enough, Styg made his return, to which I welcomed him back out. "Was just about to go check on you... You alright-?" I tilted my head in curiosity, a small smile tugging at my face as I noticed he held something else in his hands- He apologized for the wait before I could question what he was holding, though I didn't need to question it as he continued; "Say, I found this journal on my desk... I think it belongs to you?" I felt a pit form in my stomach as he spoke such things, then reaching towards the book as he held it out to me. I confirmed that it was indeed mine- But now I began to fear if he had read through it... I hoped not, but alas…
I questioned him if he had in fact read the contents of the journal, and much to my dismay, he confirmed that he had. He apologized, but it still made me feel slightly self-conscious- Did he read everything in there??... Probably. And that's what made it all the more embarrassing. Especially considering all that I wrote down on the pages, about the past few days since that fucking fight-
I shrugged off the thought for the moment, trying to remain calm as I told him not to apologize for just being curious. I then asked him if he had seen the page of which I had written down wondering if he would want to accompany me somewhere to check on somebody, to which he confirmed- "It'd be my pleasure to accompany you anywhere," spoken by him with a calm tone. It however prompted a warm feeling in my face, to which I shook my head trying to ignore any incoming thoughts.
"I don't really.. know where the person I'm looking for is exactly at the moment," I began as I grew increasingly unsure whether he would actually wish to come with me so far out. So I continued; "Are you fine with going for a bit of a walk..?" I questioned tentatively, getting out of my current seat, followed by a nervous chuckle- To which he seemed fine with. I felt myself grow nervous now as I tried to recall where the castle would be in comparison to Styg's house, looking in a specific direction as the path came to me.
"Your injuries are healing up nicely, by the way.. Although it may scar a bit," Styg spoke up, in which caused me to look back towards him, and then back down to the floor in.. what felt like shame. I stated that I expected the wounds to scar, now feeling slightly self-conscious about the fact that even he knew. "Scars are beautiful in their own right, a mark of a challenge overcome," he continued- I hadn't expected those words, and I felt almost.. relieved? That he wouldn't think of them as ugly or horrendous- Why did I care so much about his opinion on that? I gave a nervous laughter after he finished speaking, before returning my attention to the direction I had pointed out prior.
I claimed that the place I was wanting to check out was in that direction, thus resulting in a fair bit of traveling for the two of us, him following closely behind me as we went. The walk was silent and long, but not uncomforting. Soon we arrived at our destination, the old run-down castle that Illios.. Edelle, and Nat had shown me to at one point, with some others.
I looked back towards him as he had been a bit down the hill just in front of the castle, hearing him question "Where exactly are we goi-" before cutting himself off as he stilled seeing the structure. I soon began to grow concerned, asking whether he was alright, and apologizing for the long walk- Only then realizing why he had paused. He knew this place. Why wouldn't he? He knew Illios and Space- Both of which also knew this place.
I apologized again, this time saying that I had forgotten that he would have known about the castle. I repeated my question to ensure if he was alright, to which he responded, "I'm fine, it just.. brings back memories. I haven't been here in a really long time." I attempted reassuring him that we wouldn't have to remain for very long if he was getting bad memories from being here, and we would leave if I confirmed that the friend of mine was here or not. Though he claimed that it would probably do him some good to see this place again…
We soon approached the entrance, though I felt concern rising in my being- He mentioned how the building hadn't weathered the years well, to which I agreed, and then he asked confirming if my friend had lived here as he headed to the throne room. I informed him however that Illios had taken some others and myself here as a temporary 'base of operations' while.. dealing with something. He seemed surprised that Illios hadn't maintained the location... However, just being here caused me to miss her more. I needed to find Edelle.
From the throne room, I went up the stairs to the living quarters, straight towards the first room I saw- Though, upon seeing the doors wide open, it caused me to dread that Edelle.. might not be here. And as I got closer, the lack of a presence grew all the more evident. It only felt emptier, knowing that Nat was also no longer here, with Edelle... Whereas they would be together wherever they went, before that day.
I closed the doors to the two's former bedroom, a somber expression on my face, before turning to see that Styg had been staring at the sign next to the doors- I was surprised a bit, asking if he was alright, though he read out the first name on the sign- 'Edelle'. He turned his head to look towards me as he questioned whether that was my friend, in which I felt a sudden sense of dread. I asked if he had known her, to which he kept silent... The both of us kept silent as we both thought of what to say. "Y-You don't have to say anything- It's perfectly fine. If... you did know her," I spoke up first, unsure whether that was even why he was being silent in the first place. His voice seemed quiet when he spoke however, asking if Edelle was in fact alive- And after a failed attempt at trying to be joke-like - humor never really was my forte, huh - I had confirmed his suspicion.
I then told him how I wanted to check in on Edelle. Informing Styg of the fact that I had once made a promise to Illios to do such, to look after her, and then saying how I had not yet upheld that promise... Though I kept silent for a moment as he spoke; "I.. don't know if I can face her," with such a.. tone that almost told me he was unnerved- Did he not want to..? Did he do something to hurt Edelle as well, as he had done to Illios and Space?
"But I did make you a promise to accompany you," he continued, in which caused me to realize I hadn't said anything yet. I then tried reassuring that I would be there if something happened, that I would be there to stop anything if I could- If anything happened. However, Styg suggested that we should move on, to which I obliged after giving a hum of acknowledgement. I told him that if Edelle wasn't here though, that she would likely be back at Spawn, in which he claimed that he would follow me.
Thus, we left the castle, returning to the town in silence. We made our way to the center, in which I turned my focus towards the apartments, ignoring the police building just across from it- I began to ponder where else Edelle could have gone, if not here, though. If she wasn't here, then I would have no idea where else she could go. What if she wasn't here..? What if she was elsewhere, and I had just dragged Styg along with me this whole way for no reason? What if I couldn't keep that promise I made to Illios…
I sucked in a breath, trying to ignore the thoughts as I gestured for Styg to come with me as we headed to the other side of the building, to the stairs of the apartments. We had teleported upwards to the very upper platform, not needing the stairs, before I had knocked on the door, twice at first. I heard Styg taking off his armor behind me, though I was unsure why, before I had knocked again- I heard shuffling on the other side of the door, so I announced that I was the one knocking, just in case she just wasn't answering it whatsoever.
The door soon opened after I spoke, to which my eyes widened seeing the person on the other side. It was Edelle, yes, but she looked so.. disheveled. A mess, not trying to be rude- It was evident that she hadn't gone outside in a long while, just in her appearance. Her hair fell to the sides of her face, and she.. almost looked as dead as that one time I saw her, with Space... I felt concern wash over me as I nervously fidgeted in place, asking what the hell happened to her- But her gaze traveled past me, straight towards the one that accompanied me, before she looked towards me again.
"Good to see you too."
And she closed the door behind her.
"M-Maybe it was a bad idea for me to come with you..." Styg spoke, still behind me. I looked towards him with a sympathetic expression, concerned for how awkward this probably was for him. I had no clue what things he may have done to Edelle, but.. surely it wasn't that bad, right? They could talk it out, if Edelle listened, if Styg apologized... And hopefully they would get along. Right..? I hoped so.
I heard the door click next to me, signaling that the doors had reopened thanks to Edelle, in which I looked back towards her. I quickly informed her of how I had wanted to check in on her, that I had no intention of causing anything by bringing Styg along because I had at first not known that they knew each other. "Oh, we know each other," she responded with a tone filled with spite and something else that I couldn't quite pin down. Regardless, the tone of her voice when she said that... It felt off. It was unlike her. Nevertheless, I backed off, so that the two could see each other properly. So I wouldn't get in the way.
"How are you here," Edelle began, a glare aimed straight towards Styg. It sounded more of a demand rather than a question- At least to me. Styg redirected the question back to her, in which she answered with the truth, to my knowledge- That the trees had kept her around. "Do I look like enough of a crackhead now?" She queried after answering. Though, Styg stepped closer towards her, starting to speak before she had cut him off - "Don't. Step. Closer."
... Styg backed off from the Strideling, apologizing silently. I attempted reassuring Edelle that Styg wouldn't do anything, and that I would be around to prevent anything from happening, whether one lashed out at the other or something else of that sort. Though, Styg soon began to drop his weapons- His sword and his axe, allowing Edelle to pick them up, in which he said he now had nothing on him. I panicked as Edelle picked up his weapons, really unsure whether she would use those things against him- But much to my relief, she didn't make any move to do so.
"I won't hurt you. But if... If you wanted to hurt me, I understand," Styg claimed. The tension was thick, I could feel myself growing more anxious by the second as the two continued to stare at one another. So I decided to speak up, trying to tell the two not to do anything rash, until Styg apologized to Edelle again, to which she responded; "For being a part of what took away my family? My friends?" She clenched her hands tighter around the weapons she held, clearly growing more and more irritated as each moment passed us all by. "For throwing me to be dead?"
... I kept silent. All of us did. Styg looked guilty, and I just felt.. bad. I felt bad for the both of them right now. Edelle looked pissed off. However, she soon went to me, handing the weapons to me as she mumbled under her breath, "You better take these off of me, I wouldn't even trust myself." I knew at that moment that I was right for being scared of the situation. Everything felt so tense at the moment. I didn't know whether I should speak up or not.
However, Styg spoke up without me needing to; "I'm sorry for everything I did to you, Edelle," to which Edelle seemingly seemed rather.. unamused. Like she didn't believe that his words were true. As if she didn't believe that Styg was genuinely regretful for what he had caused. Styg continued; "I'm so sorry. I don't know how I could possibly make it up to you- I know I can't, really," he took a breath. "But I'll do anything."
"What I want, not a single soul can give, I'm afraid."
... Silence overcame the two of us, over Styg and I. I had an idea of what she wanted, given recent events, but... I didn't know what to say. I don't think Styg knew what to say to that, either. However, Edelle kept speaking; "I've got tons more things that have happened now. As much as the memory of before pains me, it cannot pain me as much as recent events."
Silence, yet again. I knew what she was on about, but I wondered if Styg knew... "I'm sorry about Illios..." Styg spoke up, his head held down. I realized that he had known only a fraction of what had happened- Only from what I had told him. "I know it wouldn't be right for me to mourn her, but... I'm sorry for your loss," he kept going. I could see that Edelle had gotten only more irate at the mention of the former empress, to which she said that she presumed that I had told Styg- Both he and I confirmed her suspicions.
... Edelle then questioned about whether Styg knew about Nat, or Zinnia. I realized that I hadn't told him about the two, but... I hadn't really had much of a chance to tell him about them anyways. I denied having told him, to which he backed up- Only for him to then ask who the two were. Silence yet again befell upon the three of us. It looked as though Edelle was debating on what to say... Until she began to speak up, telling Styg about as much as I knew of the two.
"Zinnia, a girl who had me as her vessel for years," she began with Zinnia. The one that Edelle proclaimed to be a big part of her life, her sister- Then stating that Zinnia had passed with Illios. Styg expressed his condolences, until the Strideling continued her recollection of the two that were no longer with us. "Nat.. was this young boy I had met, 500 years ago or so." I felt a pain as I recalled what had happened. I held my head down, unwilling to look towards the others as they continued speaking, though Edelle had mentioned the Shard, saying that Nat was a joy after such a thing. Saying that Nat was her husband as well.
"He also passed at the same time as Zinnia and Illios. A whole three in one," Edelle took a deep breath, I could tell she had nearly finished everything she had to say about the topic. "Reminds me of when I had lost multiple people before." I raised my head up, just slightly, so I could see the two again. Styg claimed that loss was a terrible thing, Edelle responding that he was 'funny' for telling her that. "Considering you took half of my family for your stupid Shard."
Edelle then began mentioning two people that had been lost because of that 'Shard'- Her father, who was apparently 'Ajan' that I had heard mentioned a few times before all of this, and her sister. Unnamed, it seems. Then stating that two other people had lost their lives to get rid of the 'Shard'. I recalled that Space had told me such a thing before, though he hadn't gone into detail of who- It made me feel so much worse knowing all of this.
The two kept speaking, Styg stating that the 'Shard' had been defeated regardless, but yet Edelle still was effected by the loss it brought her. I couldn't blame her. "Are you happy with yourself?" she began. I didn't quite understand it all, knowing that Edelle was blaming just Styg for all of this- Weren't other people involved too? I was told such by Space... However, Edelle's next words caused me to freeze up. "Did you feel satisfied, throwing me in that grave?"
I looked towards Styg, unsure what to feel about the information I had just been given about what he had done to Edelle. He- really did that..? If he was involved with the 'Shard', then he was.. infected by it, wasn't he? He couldn't be solely blamed for everything. Everything that it and the people involved had caused. RIght..?
"Do I look happy to you?" Styg started, visibly on edge. He remained in the corner of the platform, an equal distance away from both Edelle and myself, but yet I felt if he had any further room to back up, then he likely would. Despite that though, he had continued what he was saying; "Do I look like I relish in it? Like I haven't locked myself up for 500 years, trying to disappear from a world I nearly ruined?"
... Silence. Yet again. The three of us kept our mouths shut after Styg said such things. Just for a few moments, until Edelle opened her mouth again; "Why are you here, Styg?" 
"He came with me to check up on you. He had no ill-intent this whole time, Edelle," I spoke up finally. I had been quiet for far too long, just letting all of this occur in front of me without a word up until this point. "That's why he's here right now-" Edelle cut me off before I had completely finished my sentence; "And how do you two possibly know each other?"...
"I found them," Styg proclaimed, which I confirmed. I stated that he had nursed me back to health in his home, after the events of.. that day, but yet Edelle seemed unimpressed regardless of the things being said. "I'm trying to do better, Edelle. To... repent for the hurt I caused," Styg carried on with his words. Trying to reassure the Strideling that he really did mean no harm in this meeting.
"Well I hope you're truly a professional in health upbringing and not just destroying," Edelle scoffed. Styg pointed out that Edelle didn't believe his words, rendering her silent, before I spoke up again, trying to defend Styg; "I don't think he has any thought in his mind to 'destroy' or anything of that sort, Edelle..." However I received a chuckle in response from her, and Styg saying that I didn't have to defend him. I felt bad regardless though…
"Ohh boy, Mira has no idea who you are, huh," Edelle tilted her head as she spoke to Styg. I felt like I was being a third wheel of their conversation at this point. The two continued to go on, saying that Styg shouldn't hide anything about himself from the past from me, but how the past had been hard to talk about. As they continued to speak, I felt a dampness in the air, along with a slight stinging sensation in my shoulder that had not been under the roof- It started to rain.
Edelle seemed to take notice of my unease, which Styg seemed to share of the weather; "The rain won't get any better soon, you'd better both step inside," she started. She made a move to go further into the apartment, but yet Styg and I still remained outside, in which she continued upon taking notice again, "Do you want to burn?" ... I merely asked if she was fine with the two of us being in the apartment with her, trying to be wary of the fact that she could potentially be uncomfortable if she allowed us to come inside. She merely said that as long as Styg kept his distance that it would be fine.
... Styg and I both hesitantly stepped inside, ducking under the doorway- But the conversation continued as soon as we were inside, Edelle prying as to how Styg was still around to this day. He claimed that he had been cursed, adding on that it seemed as though he couldn't escape such things. That Katharos had cursed him to continue living, that living was a much more cruel punishment than death, cursed to 'outlive and never forget'.
The two seemed to share the pain of outliving the people they cared about, Styg mentioning how all they could do was preserve the memory of the ones they had lost. That they could only live on regardless of how painful it would be. It appeared Edelle had something to say about that though; "Don't suppose that means you could still be here when it's my time, hm?" Her tone was spiteful before she continued; "I wonder how that'll be, me finally going. After everything."
"It will be as painful an experience as the first time. It never ceases to be," Styg claimed. I couldn't tell if he was trying to be sympathetic or anything at the moment- But Edelle spoke up again. "Well, while my age may not be of threat, the tree kept me young. My head is slowly unscrewing through every tick from that clock," followed by silence for mere moments. I felt.. horrible that I hadn't checked on her before now, seeing her like this. But yet she still had something to add on; "But hey, king or chimney sweeper, everyone gets a dance with the grim reaper, don't they?"
"You still have Mira here, don't you? Not everyone is gone," Styg spoke up- As if defending my position, my reason for even being here.
"Suppose not. Though, I have learned something..." Edelle's words trailed off as she responded to Styg's own. I felt uneasy. "Staying can be just as hard of an action as leaving. I can imagine you know what that's like, considering you're still here."
"Sometimes it seems I am just too much a coward to die," Styg started as he lowered his head for a brief moment, avoiding Edelle's gaze, before returning it soon after as he continued. "I don't have anything to live for... But you, you do." I felt my heart drop as I stared towards Styg, not liking the implications of what he had said- Surely he had something to live for, even if he was cursed.. Right..?
Edelle scoffed, "What, to watch as all my friends somehow pass again? History repeats itself." She sent a glare Styg's way after having spoken. However, Styg only mentioned how Edelle could spend the time that she did have, with them. The people she considered her friends. Edelle kept silent, seeming at a loss for words for not even a second before speaking up again. "I don't think after everything, people are going to want a gloomy ghost girl around all the time."
My gaze went stern as I looked towards the Strideling, frowning as I decided to say something, again, finally. Even after all the silence I had been giving, seeing as I had no place in the conversation until just then; "You aren't such a thing, Edelle- You're still a young girl, that has.. gone through far too much than you should have." Edelle scoffed again, confirming that she hadn't even reached 20, and yet she had experienced so much… "A-And I'm sorry- That you've gone through such things, but.. I'm still going to stick around regardless of anything that you have been through, ya know..?"
"You haven't seen the worst of it, I'm afraid," she nearly cut me off with that sentence. "We'll see. But note, if I disappear someday, it's not worth searching." I only responded that I would still want to be around, that I would still search, because she was my friend- I wouldn't just forget or anything like that. I couldn't. "Someone searched for me before. That last sight of life, they saved me," Edelle began, taking a breath that seemed shaky- "I'm ashamed to say I couldn't return that for them."
Styg however jumped in, stating that Edelle was indeed worth searching for. That he knew such a thing 'back then', as well. I also persisted though, saying that I would still search for her, regardless of what she thought of herself... She mentioned that we would see what the future holds, then asking if there was anything else that we wanted. My mind traveled back to thoughts that I had at one point before all this, to which I had mentioned I had something that she and I could talk about, but that it wasn't the time for. Styg then spoke up, saying that he and I would check in on Edelle every now and then- Just to ensure that she's okay. She agreed with that, however stating that she likely wouldn't be pleased if he came along. 
Styg piped in again, stating that he could go if we needed privacy. I was nervous at first to say something, but I responded to his sentence; “I-If we could have some privacy for the moment, Styg… You can head on home-” I didn’t want to be rude when making such a request, but he seemed fine with it. He asked if he would see me back home, to which I confirmed with a smile. He returned it, simply stating an affirmation as he ducked under the doorway to leave-
“What are you, married?” Edelle asked, and good thing Styg had left when he had- I shut the doors behind him almost immediately, hoping and praying that he hadn’t heard what Edelle just asked. I then turned towards her, feeling my face heating up in embarrassment as I told her to shush about it, obviously panicking a bit- How could I not? He could have potentially heard that- Things would be awkward if he did. Probably.
Edelle seemed to catch onto my behavior however, seeming almost disappointed as she looked at me. I tried to explain myself to her, just for her to cut me off; “You have a crush on someone who almost killed me, what a small world.” Her words caused me to shut my trap, holding my head down, almost ashamed. She noticed, simply allowing me to carry on with what I was saying.
“I-I never knew until now- I don’t even know if it is a crush-! That’s.. a-another reason why I came to talk to you, though-” I held my head down in shame still. I was embarrassed, yes, but I also felt like my feelings towards Styg were almost.. wrong, in Edelle’s eyes. Especially after that whole conversation. Knowing what I now know about him, even if it’s not too much more than I already knew. So I apologized to her for that-
“Seems it,” Edelle began soon after I apologized, then continued. “Let me guess, butterflies? Getting all smiley, perhaps giggly. You blush from time to time, maybe even crave to be around him?” She was just calling me out at this point. I felt ashamed even more than before- But the realization was slowly dawning on me. “You feel an attachment? Some.. different bond?”
“W-Would all those things.. i-indicate that?” I questioned, just trying to confirm. I felt so exposed at that moment- I had indeed been feeling all those things with Styg, but I didn’t.. think that it was a crush. It felt almost too fast- But she confirmed it. She confirmed that it was, indeed, a crush. I held a hand to my face, unsure what to feel about knowing this now- Edelle, however, kept speaking; “While he may have.. done some things that you have yet to learn about him, and although I’m not fond of him, go for it.”
I looked up towards her, trying to comprehend all of this- All of this information that I had been given in such a short amount of time. I then spilled that I didn’t even have a clue of whether he felt the same towards me at all- “Ehh.. His smile to you tells otherwise. The man never smiled much, unless it was some manic idea,” Edelle added on. The mention of such a thing caused me to recall how he had been smiling quite a lot towards me ever since we had met, which only worked to fluster myself that bit more.
I thanked Edelle for her time, then apologized soon after. I informed her how I really didn’t have any knowledge of the two knowing one another prior to this day. She only stated that I would learn about it later on, but that I would have a lot to talk to him about. I could only nod silently, until I realized I should probably say something more-
“Edelle, uh… You’re a good kid. And you deserve a lot… I’m sorry that you haven’t gotten the good things that you deserve in life,” I rambled on a bit. I still had my head held down, but I raised it to look towards the Strideling. She seemed to ponder my words in her head for a moment before she responded; “I will admit, I’m jealous that you’ll have more time with your loved one than I did. That being said, don’t let fear stop you. Take what you can while you can.”
… I kept silent as I considered her words, and I couldn’t help but feel selfish. Speaking of this, so soon after she had lost her own loved one. And after that conversation with Styg earlier. She continued, however. “Love is… something unexpected, yet oddly wonderful.” I let her words sink in, before acknowledging, and then thanking her once again for her time. She said something worrying, about ‘doing what she could while she was here’, so I only told her that she’d better not disappear before I saw her again. However she soon told me to go after Styg, which I obliged to, bidding her farewell for now, and wishing for her to take care of herself.
I then made my way back towards Styg’s place, recalling the fact that Edelle had confirmed I had a crush on the guy. It was embarrassing, but yet I felt giddy, finally coming to terms with such a feeling- I just hoped I wouldn’t fuck this up. Yet as I made it to the front door, I debated teasing him, regardless of what had happened just prior to all of this- So I did. I yelled out, “Honeyyy, I’m hooome!” followed by my own laughter, trying to ignore my own embarrassment saying such a thing.
I saw him through the windows to the garden, though he had gone to the door soon after I had recollected myself- I told him that I had just been joking, trying to shove away any embarrassment that could possibly arise if he said anything about that- But he smiled at me again, and I couldn’t help but remember what Edelle said about the fact that he never really smiled back then, 500 years ago. He welcomed me home, to which I gave a nervous chuckle in return- For some reason that meant a lot, despite the fact that originally I had been teasing.
“S-So, about that tour-?” I gave a small laugh, trying to recall earlier when we spoke about that tour of his place. Trying to hide any embarrassment I felt, but also trying to lighten the mood a bit- He said he nearly forgot about it, to which I frowned slightly. We really had been caught up with a lot of other things before that… So I decided to ask if he was alright after what happened. I realized I hadn’t checked on him even after all of that, but he kept silent for a second after I asked. Then two, then three- Just to respond that he didn’t know.
I apologized, but he claimed that I didn’t have anything to apologize for. “I should have known that you two knew each other though,” I told him, holding my head down slightly to avoid his gaze. I felt horrible, knowing that I had practically subjected him to having to face Edelle with little to no warning beforehand. Even if unintentionally. However, Styg attempted to comfort me; “It allowed me to confront some things about myself that I had been burying, trying to forget.”
I felt so much worse when he said those words. Sure, confronting the past could be considered good to some, but… He had been trying to forget it. That’s what made me feel worse about it all. Regardless, he spoke up again; “You deserve an explanation, don’t you?” and it seemed more like he was debating whether he should tell me or not. I merely told him he should only explain if he felt comfortable sharing, just to earn the response, “I should’ve told you a long time ago. It isn’t a matter of comfort.”
I kept quiet after he said such a thing, stating “I can’t blame you for wanting to keep something to yourself though,” until he suggested that we sit down at the nearby table- So I only followed him, sitting on the sofa next to the one he sat on. I didn’t want to be annoying and sit directly next to him- That would probably end up being.. awkward. Nevertheless, he had asked me what I remember from what he had told me already. So I mentioned how he said that he had hurt Illios in the past, and that he had other people he wanted to apologize to outside of her. One of those people being Space, in which I recalled him somehow being involved with the ‘Shard’ because of the time that Styg had apologized to him.
He soon began explaining. Enlightening me of what the Shard was- A worldeater, a civilization destroyer, but that he didn’t know until too late. He told me of how he used to think the Shard was ‘good’, that the ‘cause justified the means’. That he had manipulated, tortured, and murdered people, for the Shard. Even confirming that he had been influenced by it, ‘cursed’. But he said he blamed himself for everything regardless, that he had allowed it all to happen, and couldn’t forgive himself for it. He sounded regretful of it all…
I cut in after a moment, questioning him about the fact he couldn’t completely control his actions- Trying to reassure him that he couldn’t blame himself for that. That it wasn’t his fault. But he denied my claims, telling me of how he would torture the ones that he had recruited to it if they ‘didn’t submit’. Friends of Illios and Edelle, even doing it to Space… And that, when a ‘cure’ had been found for the ‘curse’, he would hunt down former allies that had been cured, to trap them and experiment on them. Killing the ones that had escaped.
“Does that sound like something a good person does, Mira?” Styg questioned me. The question caught me off-guard for a second, and I took my time trying to comprehend all of this information. Knowing now, partially of why Edelle had disliked Styg. I couldn’t look at him at the moment though, regardless of it all, as I responded; “N.. No, but… You’ve changed, right? You- You regret all of that, don’t you..?” I looked back up to him after finishing my question. I really.. didn’t know how else to respond. He did change, right..?
“How couldn’t I? But it doesn’t change that it happened, and that the people I killed are still dead,” he stated, taking a second before continuing. “Did you know that Edelle tried to confront me? For the things I had done to her friends.” He turned his head towards me, adding on; “Do you want to know what I did?”… I couldn’t help but be curious, so I merely asked what he had done when that happened. I almost immediately regretted it though, hearing that he had.. gutted her, and threw her into the grave of another he had killed of which had defied him. That he had used the fact that she was nearly dead as an excuse to get out of being captured - by who, he didn’t say, but that was enough.
I felt almost sick, now knowing all of these things. It was so difficult to comprehend- This guy, that had nursed me to health, practically twice now… He killed one of my friends a long time ago. Tortured another person I knew- I tried not to make it evident on my face that I was feeling nauseous though, only asking if he could give me a moment as I needed some fresh air. He seemed pensive upon my request, so I told him that I would come back after I felt fine again, to which he merely allowed me to go out to the garden.
As soon as I thought I was out of sight though, I leaned against one of the pillars by the garden, taking deep breaths to try and calm my nerves. Trying to ignore the intrusive negative thoughts about his actions. He couldn’t fully control himself because of the Shard, he said that himself- But yet he still blamed himself. He.. He’s changed now. He’s kinder, more considerate of others, surely- Why else would he have helped me, a stranger, if he hadn’t changed..? He even apologized to Space for what he did, and apologized to Edelle earlier- Told her that he would try to be better. S-Surely he.. didn’t want to do those things wholeheartedly, right..?
I felt I had been outside for long enough, taking another deep breath as I returned back inside, however finding Styg with his mask on the table- And tears flowing down his face. It hurt seeing such a sight, but still I kept my distance- I didn’t want to overwhelm him any more than this conversation already had. I however made my presence known, trying to express my concern until he spoke up…
“Do you understand now? What exactly I am? Why I am trying so hard now to fix the unfixable, or to just disappear entirely?” He lifted his head to look towards me, and I felt a pang in my heart. I felt.. horrible, knowing that he had dealt with the burden of all of his past actions weighing on his shoulders, and the fact that he solely blamed himself for all of it. “I- I don’t want to be hated anymore. I don’t want you to hate me. But I understand if you do, now. I couldn’t even fault you for leaving right now,” he added onto what he had already said. He.. sounded so hurt.
I felt speechless, so I remained silent for the moment, before simply stating that I didn’t hate him- “How could you not?” His tone slightly surprised me as I took a step back, but then returned to my place from a second ago. I didn’t want to give the wrong idea that I was scared of him- I couldn’t be scared of him, not while he was like this. He.. seemed like he really needed someone, and I was all I could offer at the moment.
“You… said yourself that it was a long time ago. That you’re trying to be better, like you told Edelle earlier,” I began feeling anxiety creeping up on me. I didn’t know how best to comfort him in this situation- So I just said all that came to mind. “Even if others, or you yourself, consider your actions unforgivable… A-At least you’re trying, right..?”
He didn’t even seem to take the time consider my words as he responded soon after I finished speaking, “It doesn’t matter. Perhaps nothing I do matters, no matter how long I live. Perhaps that’s what Katharos intended all along, huh?” His question seemed almost rhetorical. But yet, when I opened my mouth to say something, no words would come out. I couldn’t think of what to say whatsoever. I was at a loss for words. He seemed to notice that, in which he apologized.
“D.. Don’t apologize to me- You haven’t hurt me. You’ve hurt my friends in the past, yes- But you… You’ve said that you regretted that,” I spoke almost impulsively, lowering my head. I waited for him to respond, in which he did soon after, claiming that ‘regret can’t undo the hurt’. I wanted to go sit back on the sofa I was on prior, but I felt like I couldn’t move from my place. Almost frozen. “Yet you’re trying your best, the best you can do, to fix it and apologize, right..?”
“Did you not see Edelle? Even she could not forgive me, even after 500 years. I didn’t expect her to,” he replied almost coldly. I could do nothing but listen as he spoke, and for some reason I couldn’t help myself but think that he was trying to pressure a proper answer out of me as he added on; “I hurt your friends, Mira. So I ask you again, how can you not hate me for what I’ve done?”
I kept silent, still. I debated my answer once, twice, in my head, before looking back up at him briefly- Just to catch a glimpse of him looking straight towards me, causing me to turn my head back down, trying to avoid his gaze as I finally responded; “B-Because I care about you, damn it… I can’t.. hate someone that I care about.” I dared not look up at him again. I feared what his expression would be, his reaction to me saying such things- It was embarrassing as it was.
“You… care about me?” Styg questioned, almost as if he was in disbelief. I didn’t blame him for not believing me, so I decided to confirm what I said, trying to offer a reason with it- “Y-You’ve been so kind to me, how could I not care about you? Even if you’ve.. hurt others… ” I tried to not make my response seem spiteful in any way possible, trying to carefully word what I was saying. “I don’t hate you, Styg- Q-Quite the opposite, regardless of all that you’ve told me-”
“Why?”
His question caused me to freeze up seeing as it was instant, considering my response carefully. Why do I not hate him? Why do I care for him? Do I just.. tell him now? Would he even believe me? Would he think I’m weird, crazy, for the reason, after all that he’s told me? Fuck it.
“B-Because I r-really… like you. L-Love-? I don’t know-” I was just spilling what was on my mind. I couldn’t get the courage to look at him whatsoever right now. I felt vulnerable, laying my heart out bare for him to crush if he so wanted- He kept silent though. So I continued rambling, trying to fill in the silence, trying to make it less embarrassing for myself, but failing miserably; “You… Y-You’re great, I-I can’t help but think of you highly, regardless of.. a-all of this-” I felt my face heat up far more than I had felt before this time. I was confessing to someone, when I thought I would never end up feeling such things towards anybody in my life. But here I was, saying my feelings for someone that might not even feel the same. But yet… “How could I hate you..?”
Still, he remained silent. I almost looked up at him despite my current fluster, before he responded in such a way that I hadn’t expected. In a way that hurt far more than I thought anything could. Such words that pierced my heart, and made it feel like it shattered into a million pieces. Regardless of how ridiculous that comparison seemed, it really felt like that was reality when he said those words.
“There is nothing to love.”
I felt a pit form in my stomach, then hearing him get up from his seat as I raised my head to look towards him- I felt in disbelief. I wanted to think that I had misheard him, but I knew that wasn’t the case. “S-Styg-?” But he didn’t say anything else as he headed towards the stairs. Even when I had called out for him as he went up- “W-Wait-!” I called out again, almost running after him before I realized he.. probably didn’t want to be near me right now, so I just stood in place.
… I kept silent as I watched him leave me, standing alone where I was. My eyes drifted towards the mask he had left on the table, feeling a pang in my heart, and a stinging feeling on my face… I felt myself already crying. I wanted to go after him, tell him that he could forget about what I said so that things wouldn’t be awkward between us- But it was too late. He probably didn’t want to see me. He probably thought I was stupid, after today. That I wasn’t worth his time. That I was no longer worth any further thought- Fuck. Fuck, fuck-
“FUCK!” I lashed out, going to the nearest wall - which happened to be right next to the front door - and slammed my fist into the surface. I felt an instant pain shoot up my arm, but I could care less right now. It felt dull compared to the aching in my heart. I felt stupid. Pathetic- Worthless, all at once. I felt like I really just fucked everything up. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had.
I rested my head on the wall, letting out a heartbroken chuckle as I let the tears singe the skin of my cheeks, letting them all drop to the floor. I thought, for once, that I could have something nice- So… “W-Why did he…” I shut myself up, finding myself speaking aloud. I stared at the floor, trying to recall why I even thought it was a good idea to say what I said. All because he wanted to know why I cared about him- Why I didn’t hate him. I didn’t hate him, because I thought he was great. Because he treated me nicely. With kindness. Because we had those small moments together… that gave me hope that I could be fucking happy- Thus, I suppose my question from before was… Why did he give me that hope?
That then made me recall how Edelle also gave me hope that he felt the same towards me- Just because she noticed how he smiled at me. Did it mean nothing after all..? “M-Maybe Edelle was wrong…” I spoke aloud to myself, hearing the flatness in my tone of voice. I felt tired, but I knew after all of today, I wouldn’t want to sleep. I turned, heading towards the table nearby that Styg left his mask on, and grabbed it. I wouldn’t want to sleep all because I had confessed to Styg, and been rejected- All because I couldn’t fucking wait to say what I said. All because… Just because…
“He didn’t feel anything for me, after all…”