Mr. Candle Cares/Transcript (Extended)

(Theme song)
 	Episode begins inside Echo Creek Academy, at the Guidance Counselor's office
Oskar Greason 	Mr. Candle said I'm gonna be a musician.
Chet 	Sweet. I got champion swimmer. I was gonna get dressed, but now I don't need to.
Marco Diaz 	Wow. Everyone's getting really awesome careers.
Star Butterfly 	I can't wait to find out what my future holds. [nervous laughter]
Mr. Candle 	Star Butterfly. Please sit
Star 	Okay
Candle 	Help yourself to some candy.
Star 	No, thank you. I'm just really excited to have my fortune told. How do you do it? Read palms? Converse with the dead? Examine head lumps?
Candle 	Nope. Just normal guidance counselor stuff. Have you given much thought to your future?
Star 	Totally. When I grow up, I wanna raise warnicorns [spawns a warnicorn]
Candle 	Well, that seems like a fun hobby but you might not have much time for hobbies as the queen of Mewni.
Star 	[warnicorn neighs] Queen?
Candle 	I may not know your fortune, but your future is set in stone.
Star 	Stone?
Candle 	Are you dating anyone?
Star 	What? Uh, no.
Candle 	What about that Marco boy? Got a secret crush on him?
Star 	He's my roommate. We're just friends.
Candle 	Yeah, that's weird to date your roommate. Maybe someone else then. It's never too early to start searching for the future king of Mewni.
Star 	Maybe
Candle 	Cheer up Star. Or should I say, Your Majesty?
Star 	Hmm.
 	Star leaves the counseling office
Marco 	So how'd it go? [Star walks by him] Or we can catch up later.
 	Marco is now in the counseling office.
Candle 	Mr. Diaz. I've been very anxious to speak to you.
Marco 	Seen my test scores, have you?
Candle 	Indeed.
 	Sometime later
Marco 	Garbage Island⁈ What's the use of taking honors classes if it gets you sent to the middle of nowhere?
Star 	So don't go. At least you have a choice. Apparently, the only thing in my future is being queen.
Marco 	Oh, man, I'd love to be queen. You never have to think about what to wear; you have somebody do that for you.
Star 	[groans]
Marco 	People would just love you because they have to, no matter how weird you are.
Star 	[groans]
Marco 	You never have to bathe alone.
Star 	Marco, please stop talking.
 	Mr. Candle visits the men's restroom
Marco 	Head janitor, Garbage Island.
Star 	[sighs]
 	Marco enters the restroom and hears a plopping sound
Marco 	I'll come back later.
 	A fiery explosion in one of the stalls causes Marco to investigate. He finds that it's caused by Candle dumping some mysterious substance into the toilets.
Candle 	All right sir, phase one is complete. What's next? Sir, are you there?
 	Tom's face appears in the toilet's water
Tom 	You idiot! You forgot the most important part. Me!
Candle 	I got confirmation. Starco is completely platonic.
Marco 	Starco?
Tom 	Make sure there's no possibility of them ever being a thing.
Candle 	Absolutely, sir.
Tom 	Also, stop offering everyone candy. You're gonna blow my cover. I want her back.
Candle 	I gotta go.
Tom 	I'm not done.
Candle 	No. You don't understand. [puts his hands over his pants] I gotta go.
Tom 	Flush me first.
 	Later, Mr. Candle enters his office whistling
Marco 	Hey Mr. Candle.
Candle 	[startled] Oh, hello Marco.
Marco 	I appreciate all your guidance with Garbage Island and all, but I'm gonna pass [crumples Garbage Island flyer and throws it into the trash can but he misses]. Actually, I was just thinking I might be king of Mewni.
Candle 	[spluttering his drink] What⁈
Marco 	The thing is, Star and I have recently become smooch buddies. On the lips.
Candle 	Even if that's true kid, you shouldn't say that out loud.
Marco 	Yeah, we've been trying all styles. German, Italian, Polynesian. My tongue is so tired, I can't feel my teeth.
 	The cat-shaped candy bold explodes into a pillar of flame, revealing Tom.
Tom 	[ferocious growl]
Marco 	Busted. I knew you weren't a guidance counselor. [points at Mr. Candle when his cover is blown]
 	Tom grabs Marco by the collar to take him to the underworld.
 	At the Diaz's house, Star reads a magazine about being a queen.
Star 	Oh. These women look so miserable. [sighs heavily, goes to her mirror]
Mirror 	Calling Mom
Queen Butterfly 	What did you do?
Star 	What... nothing! Yet. I'd like to ask you something. Are you happy?
Queen 	Happy? What difference does that make?
Star 	I mean, I don't know. Do you have any warnicorns?
Queen 	Goffrey, do I have any warnicorns?
Goffrey 	You have 19, Your Majesty.
Queen 	Oh. Apparently I have 19.
Star 	Oh, sweet.
Queen 	But when you are queen, you don't have time for warnicorns.
Star 	Oh.
Queen 	Everything I'm saying is in your guide book. Incidentally, you may want to review the chapter on hair care.
Star 	[brushes her hair sadly]
Queen 	If you're going to be queen, you have to look the part. Don't worry so much about happiness. It makes you look pale. Love you. Bye.
 	Star stares comprehensively at her guide book for a while
Star 	Hmm.
 	She smiles as she gets out a hair trimmer and turns it on
 	The scene switches back to Marco, now in Tom's lair. He is being vertically spun on some kind of torture device.
Marco 	Stop! I knew you were listening. I never made out with Star.
Tom 	[snaps; the wheel stops spinning]
Marco 	I just said that to get your goat.
Skull on wall 	what?
Tom 	You lied to me.
Marco 	Well, you lied to Star. You made her think all she's good for is being queen.
 	Tom frowns and walks away from Marco
Marco 	Dude, just take me home.
 	Tom snaps again, which releases Marco in to a tub of water.
Tom 	I can't do that; you know too much. Now I gotta destroy you.
Marco 	What⁈ That's not fair.
Tom 	All right, fine. Battle to the death. I win, you die.
Marco 	What do I get if I win?
Tom 	[laughs] It's not gonna happen. So, yeah, ask for whatever you want.
Marco 	If I win, you gotta take me home, and you gotta tell Star the truth.
Tom 	Fine. Pick your weapon. Dueling battle axes? Rhino fiend joust? Pear grenades of anguish?
 	A pear shrieks and explodes.
Marco 	[pointing elsewhere] What about ping-pong?
Tom 	[shrugs] That's cool.
Small-headed demon	[holds out a basket full of paddles] Your weapon of choice, my liege.
Marco 	I oughta warn you, I'm not only a karate master, I'm also good at ball sports.
 	Marco serves the ball to Tom, who smacks it so hard that it breaks Marco's paddle and injuries his hand.
Marco 	Ow!
Demon 	Point, Master Tom.
Marco 	[grabs another paddle] Okay, so I'm a little rusty. Wait till you... hi-yah!
 	Marco surprise serves the ball, Tom smacks it and once again breaks Marco's paddle.
Marco 	Owww!
 	Scene switches back to Star. She tears a poster of a queen off the wall, puts on eye liner, lipstick, skull stickers, spiked arm bracelets. She also intentionally tears her pants and grabs a battle axe.
 	Scene returns to Marco's ping-pong game.
Demon 	Game point.
 	Tom serves the ball rather slowly
Marco 	[swinging furiously] In your face!
 	Tome easily bounces the ball back, and it smacks Marco in the forehead.
Marco 	Ow! Ugh! Since when do ping-pong balls hurt so much?
Tom 	These balls are guided by demons.
Marco 	Okay. Let's play for real this time. Double or nothing.
Small-headed demon	Dude, you're out of paddles, just give up.
Tom 	No, it's fine. Here, you can have mine [throws it at Marco]
Marco 	Ugh!
Tom 	I don't need it [levitates ball with finger]
 	Marco ducks as the ball barely misses his head and cause a huge dent in an arcade machine.
Marco 	Hey! Isn't this kind of cheating?
Tom 	You think this is cheating? You should try playing Star at ping-pong.
Marco 	Well, Star doesn't really cheat, she just makes up her own rules.
Tom 	And then she changes the rules again halfway through the game.
Marco 	Oh, so that's why I never win.
Tom 	She just does whatever she wants.
Marco 	Yeah, that's Star.
Tom 	Yeah. She is kinda awesome. [brief silence] You know you're never gonna win, right?
Marco 	I know, but you're not either. It doesn't matter if you beat me at ping-pong or pull out all my organs. You can't make Star be your girlfriend unless she wants to.
 	Scene changes to the Diaz's house. A torrent of flame delivers Marco back following Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl.
Marco 	Star, we have something to tell...
 	Marco notices Star has totally changed her appearance to be more punk.
Marco 	Whoa.
Amethyst 	Aaahh! What happened to YOU?! [Points at Star]
Pearl 	What have you done to being a queen in the future?!
Star 	Oh hey Guys. Did you know that if you cut off a mermaid's tail, you can never be queen? It's all in the guide book.
Marco 	Star, you don't have to do that.
Star 	Really? Oh, thank goodness. I'm so sorry Tiffany; I never wanted to hurt you.
Marco 	Shameful [Tom walks in].
Star 	Tom! What's going on?
Tom 	I have something I need to confess. I used Mr. Candle to try to get back together with you, and it took me destroying Marco 58 games to zero to realize I was wrong. Like, I slaughtered him. I mean, beating him was so easy.
Marco 	Okay, she gets it.
Tom 	All I wanted was to get you back, but I never stopped to consider what you wanted. I'm sorry.
 	Star smile and punches Tom aggressively in the chest.
Tom 	Ow!
Star 	You tricked me, but it doesn't even make a difference. I'm still gonna be queen.
Marco 	Yeah, but that doesn't sound like a bad thing because you're gonna run Mewni your way, no matter how destructive.
Star 	That's true [throws the guide book away and creates another warnicorn, hugs Marco]
Demon 	Point, Marco.
Tom 	[Sadly] Well, I should go. by the way, I like your hair.
 	Star smiles, Tom levitates himself back in to the elevator, descending down to the underworld.
Star 	So you guys were hangin' out?
Marco 	Uh, yup.
Star 	Is he still dark and broody?
Marco 	Oh yeah, but he's not so bad.
Star 	Obviously?! [Looks at Tiffany]
 	Star & Marco nodded their heads
Star 	Here comes Star butterfly in her more punk style! I'm not going to be queen anymore! And I'm going slice you off, Tiffany!
Tiffany 	Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Tiffany?!
Star 	[Yells, slicing off Tiffany's Tail]
 	Meanwhile at the restaurant, Wallace is slicing carrots
Star 	[Kicks the door with her mighty grunt] I Object!
All 	[Gasp]
Star 	Wallace, do you wanna see this?
Wallace 	What is it? [Looks at Tiffany's tail] Hmm... I can do that for dinner!
Marco 	Yes, if you want.
Wallace 	[Cooking Tiffany's tail] Here you go [Eduardo sniffs Tiffany's tail on a plate]
Eduardo 	Did you cook it?
Wallace 	Of course.
Eduardo 	[Eats Tiffany's tail with a fork] My mistake! [To Star] Could you please pass me some salt?
 	Scene changes back to the counseling office
Candle 	No Brittany, I don't believe your life has peaked at such a young age.
Tom 	[burst in to room via flame] Dude, abort the mission; we're done.
Candle 	[whistles, opens window, and flies away on a file cabinet]