Russian Roulette/Script

Nice Peter: I’m Nice Peter!
EpicLLOYD: And I’m not a midget, you cunts!
Nice Peter: And that was uncalled for!
EpicLLOYD: Where we force innocent figures from history to fight each other in-
*Zach Sherwin bursts on camera, holding a tablet and jumping crazily*
Zach Sherwin: Guys, guess what!
EpicLLOYD: You quit? Hooray!
Zach Sherwin: I was researching my family tree…and it turns out I’m related to King Henry VIII!
Nice Peter: So?
Zach Sherwin: Meaning, in reality, George is the peasant!
EpicLLOYD: Here on ERB!
Nice Peter: We didn’t even expla-
*The scene cuts to the final 9 in their house, where Poe is writing at a table, Napoleon is doodling and Eve is crying*
Cleopatra: Cheer up, darling. You look like a leaky faucet…only uglier.
Eve:...shut up, you’re not helping!
Cleopatra: Oh, we’re supposed to help you?
Napoleon Dynamite: You could be a bit nicer, gosh…
Cleopatra: Hun, “nice” isn’t in my vocabulary.
Edgar Allan Poe: How can you say such a word, if it’s not in said vocab you’ve learned?
Cleopatra: Go back to writing about birds or something, you gothed out fop.
Napoleon Dynamite: I’m starving…when the hell will we get our food?
*Justin Bieber walks down the stairs fuming mad, covered in Jordan’s dirty laundry*
Justin Bieber: If I find out which one of you did this, I will put this sweaty crap into a blender and personally feed it to you…got it?
Napoleon Dynamite: You do realize none of us here would want to touch that, right?
Cleopatra: Ew, what the hell are you wearing?!
*Michael Jordan walks down the stairs, sniffing the air*
Michael Jordan: What is that…OH MY GOD!
*Michael Jordan runs down and begins to pull his clothes off of Bieber*
Justin Bieber: Oh, thank you. I was about to suffocate, it smel-
*Michael Jordan bitch-slaps Bieber*
Michael Jordan: Don’t wear my clothes, you filthy toddler!
(Confessional) Michael Jordan: Okay, who decided to put my lucky laundry on that thing?!? Wait…
*the camera zooms out from the confessional (a modified Honey Bucket)*
Michael Jordan: AAAAAALIIIIIIIII!
(Confessional) Muhammad Ali: *shrugs*
Nice Peter: Challenge time, you cannon fodder!
Napoleon Dynamite: We’re hungry!
Edgar Allan Poe: Grr…
*The scene cuts to the final 9 standing by a giant wheel of fortune style wheel on a stage, while Peter eats a cake and Rasputin drinks beer*
Rasputin: Oh, hello.
Nice Peter: Say hello to Rasputin, everyone!
*The contestants mumble a quiet “yay…” while Rasputin downs another beer*
Rasputin: Well, enough fooling you guys…time to do this.
*Rasputin pulls out a chainsaw, turns it on, punches it and it explodes*
Darth Vader: …I don’t understand.
Nice Peter: Today, we’re going to play a game of Russian Roulette….sorta.
Justin Bieber: Isn’t that something with a loaded gun and, you know…
Rasputin: I played that a lot. The gun always lost.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Nice Peter: So, the game works like this: You all will spin the wheel, waiting for it to stop. Then, you will open the part you land on to see your fate. You have a chance of landing on…
*Nice Peter spins the wheel, and removes a lid on the tile he lands on, pulling out a box of donuts*
Nice Peter: Some lovely food…or…
*Nice Peter spins it again, opens another department and pulls out a paper*
Nice Peter:…a challenge.
Justin Bieber: Oh no…*puts his hands up sarcastically*
Rasputin: Quiet, woman.
Justin Bieber: You know, that’s kinda getting old, now…
Nice Peter: So, line up here on the platform, and prepare to spin!
*The contestants line up, waiting for Justin Bieber to spin*
Napoleon Dynamite: I hope he lands on a sky diving challenge…heh.
Edgar Allan Poe: I really hope that too, but I really hope I land on food!
Muhammad Ali: I hope Jordan lands out of here!
Michael Jordan: That doesn’t even make sense!
Nice Peter: Since there are 9 of you, and 27 tiles, you each get three turns. Okay?
Justin Bieber: Eh, whatever. Let’s get this done with.
*Justin Bieber spins the wheel, opens the compartment, and finds a paper*
Napoleon Dynamite: Have fun losing.
Justin Bieber: It says here I have to kick one person in the nuts. What type of challenge is that? Eh, c’mere Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Darn!
Rasputin: They have to wear…this!
*Rasputin pulls out a metal pair of underwear from nowhere*
Justin Bieber: Of course…
Rasputin: Catch this, weakling!
*Rasputin throws the underwear at Napoleon, who can’t catch it, and drops it on his foot. Bieber takes this chance to kick Napoleon in the nuts.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit!
Rasputin: …eh, he kicked him. Next!
*Eve steps up to spin the wheel while slightly sobbing*
Cleopatra:…ugh, move on.
*Eve opens the wheel, finding a tub of ice cream, which she grabs and eats with a spoon which came along with it*
Al Capone: Sheesh, that’s either cruel irony or lucky coincidence.
Darth Vader: Yeah, I have a feeling this is rigged.
*Michael Jordan steps up to the wheel, spins it, and opens what he lands on, finding a paper*
Michael Jordan: Kiss the nearest lady…no way I’m kissing Ali.
Muhammad Ali: Fuck you, too!
Justin Bieber: If he’s not going to kiss you, he’s obviously not going to have sex with you.
Muhammad Ali: Can it, tater tot!
Edgar Allan Poe: Don’t bring up food, I’m not in the mood!
Napoleon Dynamite: Wow, you like tater tots too?
Edgar Allan Poe: Eh, why not? I’ll eat whatever I’ve got!
Nice Peter: So, it appears the nearest lady to Jordan is…
*Peter shoves Jordan next to Eve, who is quietly eating her ice cream*
Nice Peter:…Eve.
Al Capone: Oh, that’s just cruel.
Michael Jordan: I dunno…I can’t do this.
Muhammad Ali: Ha! See you at the dock!
Justin Bieber: That implies you’re leaving, too.
Eve: What’s going on?
Nice Peter: The clock is ticking, Jordan…for your time here on the island, that is.
Michael Jordan: Alright…sorry, Eve…
Eve: Huh?
*Michael Jordan kisses Eve, catching her by surprise*
Nice Peter: Alright, Jordan, you’ve got one po-
*Eve punches Jordan in the face*
(Confessional) Michael Jordan: Damn, this girl can still hit…
Eve: Asshole!
Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH!
*Rasputin looks over at Gorbachev, who burst in through a wall, then proceeds to smack him with a broom*
Rasputin: Shoo!
(Confessional) Eve: I don’t know what’s going on, but…Michael isn’t funny like he thinks he is, doing that to me…
Nice Peter: Alright, Ali, time for you to make a move! To make this go faster, you guys gotta spin this wheel twice.
Muhammad Ali: It’s time for Jordan to move off the island!
*Muhammad Ali spins the wheel once, and pulls out a challenge paper*
Muhammad Ali: Dammit!
*Muhammad Ali spins again, pulling out another challenge*
Muhammad Ali: Oh, come on!
Nice Peter: Looks like your first challenge is…*snatches one paper from Ali*…jump into the lake blindfolded.
Muhammad Ali: Doesn’t seem so bad.
Nice Peter: From that cliff.
*Nice Peter points to a cliff which is eventually blocked by the clouds*
Muhammad Ali: Aw, c’mon!
*The scene transitions to Ali standing by the cliff with blindfolds, air tank and a parachute, with Rasputin and Peter behind him*
Nice Peter: Eh, it’s only a…30 mile drop.
Rasputin: Actually, it looks more like 48 kilometers.
Muhammad Ali: I ain’t gonna do it!
Nice Peter: Alright…your next challenge is to…arm wrestle Rasputin.
Muhammad Ali: OH HELL NO!
*Muhammad Ali jumps down into the lake, creating a loud splash*
Rasputin: Weakling.
*The scene transitions back to the stage, where Ali is soaked*
Nice Peter: Alright, up next, Al Capone! You got two spins…
*Al Capone spins the wheel, and lands on bacon*
Al Capone: Are you trying to be a dick here?
*Al Capone spins the wheel again, landing on a challenge*
Al Capone: Kiss…Cleopatra…
*Everyone looks at Cleopatra*
Cleopatra: Ew, no! Get lost!
Justin Bieber: I’m surprised you’re turning this down, considering you slept with him…
*Cleopatra slaps Bieber*
Nice Peter: Up next, Napoleon! Two rolls!
Justin Bieber: Yeah, two rolls off of the island, in a barrel.
Napoleon Dynamite: Oh, please.
Justin Bieber: Oh, I saw what you did with Kanye. I can’t wait for that to happen with you…
Napoleon Dynamite: Let me spin, go-wait, how did you see that?
Edgar Allan Poe: I also ask how your memory brings back that affair, when only Leonidas and I were there!
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait, Poe saw this, and Bieber didn’t, but Bieber also remembers it?
Edgar Allan Poe: The sight left us two forlorn, so the entire team I warned, but Bieber said we lied that morn!
Justin Bieber: Oh, shut up and spin already, Napoleon complex.
*Napoleon spins the wheel, opens it, and finds tater tots*
Napoleon Dynamite: YES! This is a true gift!
Justin Bieber: It’d be a true gift if you were born likable.
Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, Bieber!
Justin Bieber: Oh, like any lady would touch you with that…alpaca face.
Edgar Allan Poe: I don’t mean to mix into the drama, but I think Napoleon is fond of llamas.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah! Nice to know someone’s got my back!
Justin Bieber: I think he insulted y-
Nice Peter: For the love of ratings, spin!
*Napoleon spins the wheel, and opens it to find a challenge*
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh…
Nice Peter: Your challenge is to…hug Justin Bieber.
Bieber & Dynamite: Ew, no!
Cleopatra: Now look who’s complaining about challenges.
Napoleon Dynamite: You know what, I really want to win, so…ew…ugh, fine…
*Napoleon hugs Bieber*
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: This is worse than Jordan’s sweaty gym clothes…yuck.
Nice Peter: Alright, Poe, you’re up!
Edgar Allan Poe: I am starved, give me the food, or else I will give off the most foulest of moods!
*Edgar Allan Poe spins the wheel and lands on a challenge*
Edgar Allan Poe: Hark, I must swim with sharks?
Nice Peter: That’s the cue!
*Peter presses a remote, dropping a Megalodon into the lake Ali jumped into*
Nice Peter: Say hello to one of Edison’s projects!
Darth Vader: Oh, so that’s what was in the pool…
Nice Peter: What pool?
Darth Vader: Did I say pool? I meant…uh…my bed.
(Confessional) Darth Vader: My bed...was that the best excuse?
Rasputin: Poe, you must swim across that lake.
Al Capone: Now that’s sick.
Edgar Allan Poe: Oh, this is easy peasy, done in a breezy!
*Poe jumps into the lake and begins to swim, with the contestants watching, worried, save for Bieber*
Justin Bieber: You know what would make this more interesting?
Napoleon Dynamite: If you say covering him in steak, I swear…
Justin Bieber: Eh, just rubbing it on him would be enough.
Michael Jordan: Hey Eve, mind passing the ice cream? I need something to eat, this is tense.
Eve: Whatever, have it.
*Eve throws an empty ice cream tub at Jordan’s head*
Michael Jordan: What?
Muhammad Ali: Now that’s just…cold!
*The group looks at Poe, who is casually swimming, when a shadow appears beneath him*
Edgar Allan Poe: I’m hungry, and it smells like fish…if I finish this, I can get a salmon dish!
*the Megalodon begins to surface under Poe, shooting upwards out of the water*
Edgar Allan Poe: Yelp! Help!
*Poe grabs onto the shark’s nose, and looks down at it*
Edgar Allan Poe: Oh crap, what should I do? Oh, I have an idea or two!
*Poe jumps over the shark’s open jaw back into the water, swims to shore, and yawns*
Nice Peter: NO!
Edgar Allan Poe: Why must you yell at me? I’m just tired and hungry!
Nice Peter: Oh god no…
Justin Bieber: I know, right! Why’d he have to survive?
Nice Peter: Why’d he have to jump?
Justin Bieber: Indeed. He should’ve let himself be eaten.
Nice Peter: He…*sniff*…jumped the shark!
*Ali, Jordan, and Dynamite gasp while the others look at them confused*
Cleopatra: What?
Napoleon Dynamite: Jumping the shark is when…a show is running out of ideas…and so they do something to pull people in to watch…
Michael Jordan: And I guess we just did it…
Al Capone: For fuck’s sake…we didn’t run outta ideas.
Nice Peter: But people will think so!
Edgar Allan Poe: I’ll just go spin once more, and hopefully land on food, of course!
*Poe spins the wheel and lands on a challenge*
Edgar Allan Poe: Gah!
Nice Peter: According to this, you have to punch Rasputin.
Rasputin: No one has done that and lived. Except myself, obviously.
Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse, me dude, do you have food?
Rasputin: No.
Edgar Allan Poe: Bitch, taste this fist!
*Poe punches Rasputin twice in the face*
Rasputin: Mother…Russia…
Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH! Gorbachev time!
Nice Peter: Get out, before I get the broom!
Mikhail Gorbachev: So Putin is allowed here, but I’m not?
Nice Peter: What?
*Nice Peter looks up to see a Russian helicopter hovering over the island*
Nice Peter: Shoo!
*Putin flips off Peter from the window and leaves*
Nice Peter: Ugh, Russians…alright, Vader’s up next.
*Darth Vader spins the wheel, landing on a potato*
Darth Vader: Great…
*Darth Vader spins again, landing on cooked salmon*
Darth Vader: Haha…
Nice Peter: Alright, Cleo’s turn!
Cleopatra: Oh boy…
*Cleopatra spins the wheel, landing on a challenge*
Nice Peter: Let’s see what you have to do…swing over the river from the first challenge!
Cleopatra: Is this supposed to be hard?
*The scene transitions to over the river, where Cleopatra is holding onto a rope on one end of the shore*
Nice Peter: Ready…set…swing!
*Cleopatra swings across the river, landing successfully on the shore across*
Cleopatra: That felt great…~
Rasputin: I know…
Cleopatra: What?
Rasputin: Nothing.
*The scene transitions back to the wheel, where Cleopatra spins it and lands on a pineapple*
Cleopatra: Ew! What the fuck is this?
*Cleopatra throws the pineapple at Eve*
Eve: I can tell when I’m not wanted…
Napoleon Dynamite: Eve, don’t say that!
Nice Peter: Now, for the people who spun once already!
*Justin Bieber spins the wheel, landing on a challenge*
Nice Peter: Ooh…put out a burning Molotov with a bucket.
Justin Bieber: Uh, what?!
Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!
Edgar Allan Poe: Ugh, sweet food! I’m not in the mood!
Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry…
*Rasputin puts down a Molotov, and puts the bucket on Bieber’s lower jaw*
Justin Bieber: Uh…wuh?
Nice Peter: Oops, I forgot to mention the “with your mouth only” part…now hurry!
*Bieber walks over to the Molotov with the bucket, which swings around, losing water*
Justin Bieber: Auuh, tih hurhs, peher!
*The bucket swings over and pours onto the Molotov*
Justin Bieber: *sighs of relief*
Nice Peter: Up next…Eve!
*Eve spins the wheel, landing on a box of crackers*
Eve: Better than nothing…which is better than Adam…
Edgar Allan Poe: Don’t mean to be a pain in your derrière, but mind if we share?
Nice Peter: To round it up, Jordan!
*Michael Jordan walks up to the wheel, spins it, and lands on a challenge*
Nice Peter: So, according to this paper, you have to…survive flying on Goku’s back.
Michael Jordan: Aw, come on!
*The scene transitions to Jordan holding onto Clone Goku, with Peter holding a timer and Rasputin holding popcorn*
Nice Peter: You’ve got 5 minutes to do this…ready, set, fly!
Clone Goku: But I said, I’m a wasp!
*Clone Goku takes off, with Jordan holding on with all of his strength*
Michael Jordan: Not too high up, or I won’t be able to breathe!
Clone Goku: What’s breathe?
Michael Jordan: Oh, I’m so dead…
Clone Goku: Ooh, a duck!
*Clone Goku throws Jordan off of his back into the woods to follow the “duck” (actually a bear)*
Michael Jordan: God dammit!
*The scene transitions to the final round, with everyone waiting to finish*
Cleopatra: Ugh, let’s finish this already.
Nice Peter: Alright, Bieber, come spin for your last turn.
*Justin Bieber steps up to the wheel and spins it, then opens it to find a gold microphone*
Justin Bieber: Oh, so you did give me the money?
*Nice Peter snatches the microphone from Bieber*
Nice Peter: No, but you do have immunity for the next challenge!
Al Capone: He WHAT NOW?
Michael Jordan: The fuck?
Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit!
Justin Bieber: Well, well, well…isn’t this great?
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: This just sucks…now he can get me out before I can get him! Gosh!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Now I can fuck around with Napoleon…and he can go home before I have to worry about him trying to get me back!
Nice Peter: Next up…Eve!
*Eve spins the wheel, and lands on a challenge, where she must cross a tightrope over a lake*
Eve: Forget it…
Nice Peter: But-
*Eve walks over to the edge of the stage and sits down, and Poe follows her to talk to her*
Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse me ma’am, might I lend a hand?
Eve: How? Adam’s gone already…
Edgar Allan Poe: Exactly why you shouldn’t cry! You’re making it further than that despicable guy!
Eve: Well, you are right…
Nice Peter: Hey, there’s a challenge going on!
Edgar Allan Poe: Let me roll the wheel, so I can get a meal-rah!
*Edgar Allan Poe’s neck twitches*
Cleopatra: HEY! Only I can say his name…
Edgar Allan Poe: What’d you say, ho? Do you wanna go?
Cleopatra: Uh, what?
Edgar Allan Poe: I ain’t afraid to tussle, I’ll show you my mothafuckin’ muscles!
Nice Peter: Okay, can the real gangster, Al, spin the wheel?
Al Capone: Whatever.
*Al Capone spins the wheel, and lands on…more bacon.*
Al Capone: Oh, lovely.
Darth Vader: Could I have that? I need something to go with my mashed potatoes.
Al Capone: What about salmon?
Nice Peter: Alright, Napoleon!
Napoleon Dynamite: Alright…let’s get serious.
*Napoleon spins the wheel, eyeing it carefully, watching it go around. As he is about to stop it, Bieber pushes him into it, knocking him out and opening a compartment, and a watermelon plops out of it onto his head.*
Nice Peter: Well, that’s…something…
Justin Bieber: Eh, more pathetic than threatening.
*Edgar Allan Poe grabs Bieber by the neck*
Edgar Allan Poe: Bitch, that’s not how you treat a man with massive respect. Move out of my way, motherfuckers, Reggie Hoez is up next.
Cleopatra: Who now?
*Poe walks up to the wheel with Bieber, throws him off the stage, spins the wheel, punches the wheel, pulls out a challenge, and reads it off*
Edgar Allan Poe: Let’s see what’s in store for me… jump a fucker who disrespects a homie.
Darth Vader: Translation please?
Al Capone: Don’t look at me…
*Poe looks at Bieber, who runs away quickly*
Edgar Allan Poe: Fuck, he ran away. Guess I’ll finish another day.
Nice Peter: Cleo, your turn.
*Cleopatra spins the wheel, landing on pancakes*
Cleopatra: Yummy.
*Vader walks up to spin the wheel, landing on an empty compartment*
Darth Vader: Well, that was thought out….
Nice Peter: Okay, Jordan, spin!
Darth Vader: Don’t I get another spin?
*Michael Jordan spins the wheel, landing on a challenge*
Michael Jordan: Alright, what’s this challenge?
Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH!
Rasputin: You have to choose one other person to do the challe-GET LOST, FREAK!
Mikhail Gorbachev: You need to learn how to host, bitch!
Vladimir Lenin: We’re taking over, cykas!
Joseph Stalin: Putin, bring down the copter!
*Putin flies his helicopter down to the island*
Nice Peter: Alright, Jordan, since you and Ali have one spin left, you have to defeat these guys instead.
*Jordan and Ali look at each other, and begin fighting*
Nice Peter:…or do that.
Edgar Allan Poe: These chumps wanna go? Time to fuck up these disappointing chodes.
*Edgar Allan Poe steps up to Gorbachev and grabs him by the neck*
Edgar Allan Poe: Arite, Cool-aid man, time for you to taste the flavored punch of my hand!
*Poe punches Gorbachev, and throws him at Ali, who punches him on accident*
Muhammad Ali: Sorry, that was for Jordan!
*Poe looks at Stalin, who charges at him and tries to punch him*
Edgar Allan Poe: Nah man, that ain’t the deal. I’mma burn this man of steel!
*Poe kicks Stalin in the nuts, then punches him in the stomach*
Michael Jordan: Ali, this ain’t boxing, this is kitty fighting, you weak shit!
Muhammad Ali: You’re one to talk about shit, Mr. Tiger Couldn’t!
Michael Jordan: Man, that doesn’t even make sense!
*Edgar Allan Poe grabs Lenin by the leg*
Edgar Allan Poe: Man, you assholes should just leave, now it’s time to get the squeeze!
*Poe throws Lenin at Putin’s helicopter, causing it to blow up, with Lenin falling onto Ali and Jordan and Putin jetpacking away*
Nice Peter: Eh, to the elimination ceremony.
*The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where Peter has Clone Goku announce who’s out*
Clone Goku: Bieber, Vader, and Cleo have 3 points.
Darth Vader: Lame.
Clone Goku: Capone, Poe, Napoleon, Eve, 2 points. That’s almost more than my IQ!
Napoleon Dynamite: Why am I behind Bieber? Gosh! I got the watermelon! Shouldn’t that be 3?
Clone Goku: And Jordan and Ali are going home!
Michael Jordan: Oh HELL NO! Only Ali gotta go home, he didn’t get any points!
Muhammad Ali: I punched that one Russian dude, and you didn’t!
Michael Jordan: No way I’m going home!
*Hogan and Macho Man grabs the two, dragging them to the dock*
Muhammad Ali: This is all your fault, Jordan!
Michael Jordan: No it isn’t, you’re the one who started the fight!
(Confessional) Al Capone: It hit me that Bieber lasted this long…and that he’s gonna make it further…bummer.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Well, I’ve made it further than the only athletes in the competition, so that’s something. But they were both knuckleheads, so…
*the scene transitions to the dock, where Ali and Jordan are being stuffed into a giant barrel from the second challenge*
Muhammad Ali (inside the barrel): I am NOT sharing this barrel with him!
Hulk Hogan: Oh yes you are!
*Hogan and Macho Man shove the barrel into the water, watch it float away, then high-five*
Hulk Hogan & Macho Man: BRO POWER!
EpicLLOYD: Well, today was…boring. Will Eve get over Adam? Will Bieber pass Napoleon? Will Poe ever eat? Find out none of these answers on the next episode of Total…Drama…
Clone Goku: Arby’s!
EpicLLOYD: Not even close…
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script