Episode 423: Carol Channing/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 423: Carol Channing.
==(very) Cold open==
 	It looks frosty in the dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Oh Carol? Carol Channing? Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Channing!
Carol 	(holding a thermometer) Thank you, Scooter. Scooter, are you aware that it's freezing in here?
Scooter	Well, yeah. It's gotta be, for the penguins.
 	Penguins appear around her.
Carol 	Well, why do we have to have penguins?
Scooter	Well — so the walrus won't get lonely.
 	An affectionate walrus appears.
Carol 	Well. Now I understand why my closet is full of dead fish.
 	She grins as the penguins and walrus cheer.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Carol Channing! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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 	A yellow feather boa rises out of Zoot's saxophone.
 	
 	Gonzo is blown away in an Autumn storm.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho, and look what we have here: us! Yes, welcome to The Muppet Show, where our special guest star is everybody's favorite musical comedy star, miss Carol Channing! (audience aahs) Yes. So here she is now, in a Muppet salute to the wonderful world of ophthalmology!
 	
 	Carol and some big-eyed singers sing "Jeepers Creepers," "I, Yi, Yi, Yi, Yi (I Like You Very Much)" and "Them There Eyes" as a medley.
Waldorf	Ah, what a great number. We should send roses back to Carol Channing.
Statler	What'll we give the weird guys with the big eyes?
Waldorf	Fifty lashes!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The big-eyed singers walk past Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, very nice. Nicely ogled.
Singer (LG)	We were okay?
Kermit 	20/20.
Singer (LG)	Aww!
Kermit 	Uh — oh Scooter!
Scooter 	Yeah, boss?
Kermit 	Scooter, I gotta change for the next number. I'll be right back, okay?
Scooter 	Check, chief.
 	He passes Piggy on his way over.
Kermit 	Hi, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Oh, hi. Scooter! Scooter!
Scooter 	Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Will you help me? I can't go another step.
Scooter 	What's wrong?
 	
Miss Piggy 	I just bought these new shoes, and they are killing me! Just — help me get them off, will you?
Scooter 	Sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Just — just pull.
 	Scooter reels as he pulls the first shoe off.
Scooter 	That's one.
Miss Piggy 	Here — here.
 	Scooter reels as he pulls the other shoe off. Piggy sighs of relief.
Miss Piggy 	Oof. Never again. Whew!
Scooter 	What's wrong? Didn't they have your size?
Miss Piggy 	(gingerly) Scooter, dear, you wouldn't understand. You're not a woman. (walks off)
Scooter 	I guess not. I'm not even a pig.
 	Kermit emerges in his trench coat.
Kermit 	Okay — oh — oh, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Hmm?
 	
Kermit 	Are these your shoes? They look new.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, yes, they are, but I'm taking them back. Uh, they're just not the right s—… uh, haha, they're not the right style, pour moi. Haha.
Kermit 	Hmm. I wouldn't say that. They — they look very elegant.
Miss Piggy 	You think so?
Kermit 	Sure, I bet you'd look terrific in 'em. (walks onstage)
 	A beat.
Miss Piggy 	Scooter!
Scooter 	Yeah?
Miss Piggy 	Promise you won't ask any questions.
Scooter 	Okay, I promise.
Miss Piggy 	Help me put the shoes back on.
Scooter 	Are you crazy?
Miss Piggy 	You promised!
 	Scooter looks puzzled.
==Cecelia==
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of the silent screen. Now although you may not remember her name, she was once a superstar. And here she is now, to tell her own sad story.
 	Carol walks down the steps to a fanfare of "You Oughta Be in Pictures".
 	
Carol 	(whistling her S's) My name is Cecelia Sisson.
Kermit	Oh boy. Uh, Cecelia Sisson, huh?
Carol 	Certainly. S-I-S-S-O-N. Sisson.
Kermit	(wiping his microphone) Uh, yes, um — now, I understand that uh, your last film was the world's first all-singing, all-talking picture.
Carol 	Yes. I'd been on the silent screen for seven years. Then, I spoke and sang in Mississippi Melody.
Kermit	Uh, uh, and uh, and then uh, what happened?
Carol 	Overnight, I hit the skids …
 	Kermit wipes his mic again.
Carol 	… so to speak.
 	
Kermit	Uh, yes, uh, that's certainly an amazing story, Cecelia.
Carol 	They seemed to feel that there was something wrong with my voice.
Kermit	No!
Carol 	Sadly so. Now, as I look back, I say, "Cecelia, if you'd only learned to keep your big mouth shut."
Kermit	Uh, uh, thank you, Cecelia, and so long.
 	Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Floyd reads Variety. Piggy limps by, wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Floyd 	Hey, Cinderella, who sold you the slippers? A shoe salesman or a sausage stuffer? (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Floyd, dear, before you say anything more, why don't you just jot down your next of kin? Hahaha. It will be easier for the authorities.
Floyd 	I hear you talkin'. (backs off)
Kermit 	Oh, Piggy!
Miss Piggy	Oh! Haha! Hi, Kermie!
 	
Kermit 	Oh! I see you're wearing your new shoes.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm.
Kermit 	Mmm, they look very nice.
Miss Piggy	Thank you.
Kermit 	Hey, let me see you just walk around a little bit in 'em.
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Kermit 	Just walk around a little bit. Let me see the backs of 'em.
Miss Piggy	Um … (walks, forcing a giggle)
Kermit 	Nice. Uh, hey, can you dance in those, too?
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Sure, let's just dance a little bit. (hops) Here we go. (hums)
 	She follows his lead. The two monsters from the next act walk by.
Kermit 	Oh! The next number's on! This is one of my favorite numbers. (runs off)
Miss Piggy	What's that?
Floyd 	"Your Feet's Too Big". (laughs)
Miss Piggy	(karate-chop) Hi-YAH!
=="Your Feet's Too Big"==
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Male monster 	Mm-hmm! My oh my, don't you look nice.
Female monster	Why, thank you.
Male monster 	Oh, you got such a pretty face.
Female monster	(giggles)
Male monster 	Mm. I love your shape.
Female monster	Aww — (giggles)
Male monster 	Matter of fact, there's only two things wrong with you.
Female monster	What's that?
Male monster 	Mm, I'll tell you about it.
Say, up in Harlem at a table for two,
There were four of us: me, your big feet, and you.
Female monster	You're such a tease.
Male monster 	
From your ankle up, I'd say you are sweet.
From there down there's just too much feet!
Female monster	Ahh!
Male monster 	
Yeah, your feet's too big.
Don't want you, 'cause your feet's too big.
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	Can't use you, 'cause you feet's too big.
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	Heh. I really hate you 'cause your feet's too big. Mm.
Monsters 	(scat)
Male monster 	Where'd you get 'em?
Monsters 	(scat)
Female monster	Your girl she likes you, she thinks you're nice.
Male monster 	Well, I am.
Female monster	
Got what it takes to be in paradise.
She said likes your face, she likes your rig.
Male monster 	Yeah, but man, oh man, them feets are too big!
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	
Mm, your feet's too big!
Don't want you 'cause your feet's too big.
Mad at you 'cause your feet's too big.
I hate you 'cause your feet's too big.
Come on, move them gunboats around.
 	She dances.
Male monster 	Ah, you know, I bet if you had any shoes, you could rent 'em out as storage space. Ha ha ha.
Oh yeah, your pedal extremities are colossal!
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	To me, you look just like a fossil!
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	
You got me walkin', talkin' and squawkin',
Oh yeah, 'cause your feet's too big, oh yeah!
 	They dance.
Male monster 	Too bad you ain't got dainty little feet like me!
Female monster	(laughs)
Male monster 	Bet you need "toe trucks" to move them around! … Aww … one thing, you got a lotta "sole", honey!
Female monster	Well, you're just one big heel! (laughs)
Male monster 	(laughs) Oh yeah.
 	Applause.
==UK spot==
 	Floyd listens to a penguin.
Floyd 	What? You want to hear some penguin music? Hey, Beau, let's play some penguin music, make this little dude feel at home. "Waves".
Beauregard	Penguin music?
 	Floyd starts playing.
Beauregard	Oh, that one.
 	
 	Beauregard joins him on the harmonica. The penguin calls for his friends, who gather and listen. Piggy, dressed for Pigs in Space, comes out of her dressing room, grunting, still wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy	Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin) Would you move it? (throws another penguin)
 	She makes it downstairs.
Miss Piggy	Ohh! Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin)
 	She walks past Floyd and Beau, shoving the penguins.
Miss Piggy	Get out of the way! Move it!
 	Floyd and Beau finish the song.
==Pigs in Space / Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You will recall that in our last episode…
Link Hogthrob 	(looks up) Uh, wait a minute! Miss Piggy isn't here yet!
Miss Piggy 	(off-camera) Uh, start without me! I have a little problem.
Announcer 	Check. You will recall that in our last episode, the crew of the Swinetrek was being held captive by an invisible force field.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	This is serious, Captain! Some terrible force field is preventing us from leaving this room. Look!
 	He attempts to walk through the doorway, but gets knocked down by the field.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh, that's dreadful! I'll try this door over here.
 	He walks towards the other door and also gets knocked down.
Link Hogthrob 	(panting) Maybe if I got a running start.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, I wouldn't do that!
Link Hogthrob 	Here I go!
 	He runs and gets knocked down.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	That's why I wouldn't do that.
Link Hogthrob 	(hamming it up) Oh! This is terrible! Here we are, trapped forever! Nothing can penetrate this invisible shield!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(groans)
 	Piggy, meanwhile, makes it through the door flawlessly, despite those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy 	(grunting) Sorry I'm late.
Link Hogthrob 	(whispering) How do you do that? — The invisible shield — ?
Miss Piggy 	Who cares about the invisible shield? Oh, these shoes!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But the invisible shield! That's part of the sketch!
Miss Piggy 	(sits down) I don't care! I'm in great pain! (raises a foot)
Rowlf 	This sounds like a job for Dr. Bob!
 	Link is dumbfounded as Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice walk through the doorway.
Link Hogthrob 	But, the invisible shield…
 	
Rowlf 	Now then, what's the trouble?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, Miss Piggy's in big pain.
Rowlf 	Of course she's a big pain! What else is new? (laughs)
Janice 	Fer sure, fer sure.
Miss Piggy 	(stands up) Oh, that does it! Just get out of this sketch!
Rowlf 	Yes ma'am, yes ma'am.
 	He and Janice get knocked over by the force field on their way out.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh no, it's no use! We're trapped here for all eternity!
Miss Piggy 	Oh, good grief. Let me outta here. (walks through the door flawlessly) Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! How will we ever get out of all this?
Janice 	Easy! Cue announcer!
Announcer 	Tune in again next time for another adventure of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Rowlf 	You know, we have him at the hospital too.
Janice 	Rully.
 	They all laugh.
==Dressing room==
 	Carol powders herself. Piggy knocks on the door.
Carol 	Come in.
 	Piggy limps in, holding one of the uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Carol! (grunts)
Carol 	Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Carol, may I talk to you, woman to woman?
Carol 	Oh, yes, dear! Are you all right?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Well, actually, to tell you the truth … (pops off the other shoe) … see these shoes?
Carol 	Yes.
Miss Piggy 	Well, my frog … he loves them.
Carol 	Yes?
Miss Piggy 	My feet hate them.
Carol 	Oh, you poor dear. I know what! You know, I've had troubles like this myself, and I read somewhere that if you soak your feet in pickle juice, it shrinks them.
Miss Piggy 	Pickle juice?
Carol 	Yes.
Miss Piggy 	Wha — Carol, I can't do that. I mean, people might say that I have, uh …
Carol 	Oh! Don't say it! Of course. Pickled pigs' feet. (buries her face) How could I be so gross?
Miss Piggy 	What'll I do? Tell me.
Carol 	I'll tell you, darling, what you need is to have these enlarged. Timmy!
 	Timmy enters. She hands him the shoes.
Timmy Monster	Uh, yes ma'am, Miss Carol?
Carol 	Timmy, could you please put these on your feet, and run around the block several times like a good boy?
Timmy Monster	Okay, Miss Carol. (exits)
Miss Piggy 	You sure that'll work?
Carol 	Sure. Just this morning I had him stretch a pair of false eyelashes for me. (blinks)
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef in the kitchen, singing his theme song while waving two eggs — which are rubber.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them away and displays some ground beef on the cutting board.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de mëåty løåfër. … de mëåt. Nicëy mëåty. (displays a shoe) … de løåfër. Jå. (sprinkles salt on the meat) Gøöd mëåt. Mëåtsy-mëåt, wë püt ïn de løåfër. (he stuffs the shoe) … püt de mëåt ïn de løåfër.
Pig (DG) 	Hey! Hey! Gimme back my shoe!
 	The Chef gives it back.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de løåfër?
 	The pig puts the shoe on and walks away.
Swedish Chef	(forlorn) … de løåfër.
 	The pig is chased by a pack of dogs. The chef waves.
Swedish Chef	Wøøf wøøf. (shrugs)
==Backstage==
 	Scooter walks up to Miss Piggy.
Scooter 	Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	(screams)
Scooter 	Wha?
Miss Piggy 	(whew!) Don't do that!
Scooter 	(nods) Did you get Timmy Monster to stretch your shoes for you yet?
Miss Piggy 	Shh! Shh! Shh! Uh, Kermie, um, I'm just about ready for the number with Carol.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Miss Piggy 	I just have my hairdo to do.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy 	Uh-huh.
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, you're not wearing those cute shoes!
Miss Piggy 	Um … well, uh, Kermie, I just sent them out to be —
Scooter 	Stretched.
Miss Piggy 	Polished!
Scooter 	Yeah. Yeah. (he and Kermit exit)
Timmy Monster	Oh, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Timmy! Hurry, hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Yes, yes!
 	
Timmy Monster	Here they are.
 	He walks away. Piggy stares at the giant shoes.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) I'm alone in a world of weirdos.
=="Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend"==
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, we present now, the palace. And among the other people there, we will find MISS CAROL CHANNING! YAAAAYYY!
 	Open on the palace. Pigs in powdered wigs converse.
Featherstone	Introducing the queen of West India, her royal highness, Miss Carol!
 	Carol enters, wearing a shiny dress and a feather boa. Link kisses her hand.
Featherstone	Announcing, the princess of Trichinosia … her royal highness, Miss Piggy!
 	Piggy enters, wearing the same outfit and hairdo as Carol, only her boa is pink. Link kisses her hand.
 	
Carol 	Now, Miss Piggy, that's what I wanted to tell you about.
 	She and Piggy do a duet of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend".
Miss Piggy 	Um — will you excusez-moi, Carol?
Carol 	Moi — you mean vous.
Miss Piggy 	Oui!
 	Piggy and Carol attempt to outdo each other with jewelry as they continue the song.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, that's just about all the time we have! (as he looks around) It's been wonderful playing the palace. Uh — but before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the terrific Miss Carol Channing! YAAAAYY!
Carol 	(claps) Yaaaayy! Thank you. But Kermit— I did want to thank Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Carol, here I am. Thank you!
Carol 	Miss Piggy, dear, you wear diamonds so well. Doesn't she? And you sang the song just beautifully.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you, but to tell you the truth, I have a confession. The diamonds are not mine. Um, well —
Carol 	They're not?
Miss Piggy	Yes, they're — they're rented. We have to return them in the morning.
Carol 	Aww.
Kermit 	That's true. Mm-hmm.
 	
Carol 	Kermit, couldn't she just keep one little diamond?
Kermit 	Well, uh …
Miss Piggy	(excited) OH! PLEASE, KERMIE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Carol 	Oh, Kermit, it would be such a nice present for her.
Kermit 	(stammering) Well, uh, okay, I guess.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Thank you, Kermie. Um …
 	She holds up her hand, revealing the ring on her finger.
Miss Piggy	I choose this one.
Carol 	(gasp) Kermit, how nice! She chose an engagement ring!
Kermit 	WHAT?!
Carol 	Congratulations!
Kermit 	Th— that's not an engagement ring! This has gone far enough, ladies and gentlemen! Uh, we're just kidding! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy	You're all invited to the wedding!
Kermit 	That's not an engagement ring!
 	They carry on as the credits roll.
 	
Statler 	With friends like these …
Waldorf 	… who needs emeralds?
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts