Episode 108: Videotape/transcript

==Cold open / Jim's Introduction==
 	Muppet Central, day. The band members of Solid Foam gather. Beard hands Kermit a videotape.
Beard 	Here it is, Solid Foam's new rock video.
Kermit 	Oh, that's great. I- I'll run it as an opening number. But uh, by the way, where's Flash?
Clifford	He sometimes has trouble with punctuality.
Kermit 	Hmm. (nods)
 	Flash enters, out of breath.
Kermit 	Oh, Flash! Where were you?
Flash 	Oh, man-- (garbled) rough day, man, had to sneak around the back. (pants)
Kermit 	What did he say?
Clifford	He said he was forced to sneak around back door to avoid them.
Kermit 	To avoid who?
Clifford	The groupies, man.
 	The groupies trample over Kermit and excitedly flock around Flash.
Flash 	Uh... Hey ... hey, man-- (garbled) you better run credits, man!
Kermit 	Uh, I don't know what he said, but you'd better cut to the opening titles.
Clifford	That's what he said.
Kermit 	Ah, hmm.
 	The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base and pets the lion.
Jim 	Hi there, and welcome to our show. It's going to be a particularly special show because the lion is featured in tonight's story. Isn't that true, lion? It's a tale told by the Storyteller, and it's called "The True Bride."
 	A clip is shown as a teaser, in which the lion talks to Anja.
Jim 	Wait a second-- did I just see you talk in that? You talked in that story. Are you ever going to talk on our show?
Lion 	I doubt it.
Jim 	Well, anyway, in the first part of our show, I'm sure Kermit has a fast and funny half hour planned. Isn't that true, Kermit?
 	Back at Muppet Central, Kermit is still surrounded by the loud groupies.
Kermit 	I'm sorry, I can't hear you, Jim. Uh, could you guys - would you all just be... can you be quiet for just a second, let me... uh, Flash! Can you do something about this??
 	The groupies scream when they see Flash, who shushes them. Preview clips are shown on the above monitor as Kermit describes them.
Kermit 	Thank you. Uh, yes, on tonight's show, we have a ghost story from Fozzie Bear, and special musical guest star Buster Poindexter.
Flash 	Yeah.
Kermit 	And all this is coming up in a flash.
 	The groupies go wild again, ripping Flash's clothes off.
Kermit 	I'm sorry-- in an instant! It's coming up in a jiffy!
 	Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 1==
===Opening number===
 	Flash looks around, confused.
Kermit 	Oh, hi there, Flash, what happened to your groupies?
Flash 	Well -
 	Bean leads two groupies past them.
Bean Bunny 	And over here is where I keep my gumdrop collection.
Groupie (FB)	Oh, gumdrops! That is so cute!
Groupie (RM)	He's even cuter than... What's his name? (they exit)
Kermit 	Ha ha. Uh, Digit! Digit, you got the music video cued up?
Digit 	Yes, Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, good! Hey, gather around, everybody, it's time to rock and roll the tape!
 	The band, the groupies and Bean all gather around Kermit.
Clifford 	Man, that is one hip frog.
Beard 	One hip? How does he walk?
 	They all laugh.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Muppet band's new music video, here they are-- Solid Foam!
 	They cheer and watch the video play on a monitor. In the video, the band sings “The Music Keeps On Rolling Along” as the cameras look up at them. Dr. Teeth sits in the recording booth, grooving.When the video finishes, they all cheer. Bean follows the groupies away.
Kermit 	Oh!
Flash 	Yeah, heh heh ...
Clifford 	Yeah, we bad.
Kermit 	He, you guys, that was really fantastic. You guys can really play.
Beard 	Actually, it's almost all synthesizer.
Kermit 	Oh. Well, the synthesizers were really well played.
Digit 	Oh, that's all done on the computer.
Kermit 	Uh, even the drums?
Rhonda 	Drum machine.
 	Digit and Rhonda shrug and leave.
Kermit 	Th-th-the singing?
Clifford 	Digital harmonizer.
Kermit 	Well - well, how do you guys know you're actually musicians?
Beard 	Hey-- who else would dress like this?
 	They all laugh.
Kermit 	You got a point there. (leaves)
Flash 	(garbled)
Clifford 	Yeah, he said the frog is not as hip as we thought.
 	The three laugh.
===Guest Star Channel===
 	Kermit encounters Gonzo.
Kermit 	Oh, Gonzo-- good to see you. Hey, I need you to organize the closing number.
Gonzo 	Sorry, but I won't be here.
Kermit 	You what?
Gonzo 	I won't be here for the closing number. I'm judging a poultry show on the other side of town.
Kermit 	Gonzo, how could you do this to me?
Gonzo 	(pats Kermit) I know, it's a difficult choice.
Kermit 	That's not a difficult choice!
Gonzo 	You're right-- poultry comes first.
 	Gonzo leaves. Kermit notices Digit grooving on another monitor.
Kermit 	It's Digit! What's he doing?
 	Kermit approaches Digit as he grooves.
Kermit 	Uh, Digit? ... (aside) Digit's the only person in the world that I know with real headphones. He actually has little speakers inside of his head. Hey, Digit-- turn it down. TURN DOWN THE VOLUME, DIGIT!
Digit 	Oh! Hi, Kermit! Hi! Sorry, I just can't get that song out of my head!
Kermit 	Uh, well, let me turn down your volume here. (adjusts a knob on Digit)
Digit 	Ah... Whoa, thank you.
Kermit 	Hey, look--
 	They notice Buster on the top right monitor.
Digit 	Oh, it's Buster Poindexter on the Guest Star Channel.
Kermit 	Oh. Yeah, he's doing our closing production number tonight. It's a remote from a nightclub across town. (notices) Wait a minute! - How did our band get down there with Buster? They were here just a minute ago!
Digit 	(scratches his head) Gee. Who knows? Maybe it's a satellite feed. Or maybe they recorded this earlier. Uh - m-maybe it's a special effect. You know television - it manipulates the heck out of you.
Kermit 	Hey Digit, take the Guest Star Channel.
Digit 	Certainly, boss.
 	He presses a button on the remote, and we switch to the Guest Star Channel.
Beard 	Yeah, you know, Buster, like uh, we're uh, you know, really impressed with the way you combine incredible style with incredible success!
Buster 	Well, gee, thanks a lot, Beard, that's very nice. Thank you.
Clifford 	Being a fellow cool person, uh, could there be something you could uh, help us with, uh, show business-wise?
Buster 	Well - there is something I could do for you.
Clifford 	Oh, really?
Beard 	How's that?
 	They gather around him, and he becomes their motivational speaker.
Buster 	I can share the truth with you, right? You want your musical cries for love and global understanding heard by a sympathetic universe?
Band members	Yeah! Yes, that's right!
Buster 	You want success, fame and fortune?
Band members	Yeah, yeah. That's right!
Buster 	Then, my friends, you must work, you must go forward! GO, MY CHILDREN! GO! AND MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD!
 	They all cheer and disperse.
Buster 	Hah! I knew I could get rid of them somehow. Heh heh.
Kermit 	Okay, well, we'll be back to Buster later. Hey, tell me, Digit-- what do you have coming in on the satellite that might raise the tone of the show?
Digit 	(reads from a clipboard) Oh-- well, there's “Fish Wrestling”, “How to Tie-dye Waffles” and the All Classical Drama Channel.
Kermit 	Uh, well, let's see. I hate “Fish Wrestling”. (Digit scribbles on the clipboard) And we're sick of multicolored waffles ... and I don't want more drama, so, try the toy tea party, channel 16.
 	Digit switches to the channel with the remote.
===Bootsie and Brad===
 	Amanda plays with her dolls as Foo-Foo watches. She places Talking Teddy™ on the couch in her dollhouse.
Amanda 	Today's the special day you've been waiting for, Boots-- your tea party. Oh, look - your first guest is here.
 	Bootsie emerges from behind the changing wall.
Bootsie 	I'm so glad you could come to my tea party, Talking Teddy™. (pulls his string)
Talking Teddy™ 	Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Would you like to give me a kiss?
Bootsie 	Sure.
 	She starts making out with him. Brad enters.
Brad 	Hi, Boots. (notices them, then becomes furious) Oh - am I interrupting?
Bootsie 	Brad! I'd like to introduce you to Talking Teddy™. (pulls his string)
Brad 	Who?
Talking Teddy™ 	Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Do you want to play?
Brad 	Oh! Boots! I thought this was going to be tea for two.
Bootsie 	But that wouldn't be a real tea party, Brad. Now sit down, and make some chit-chat with Teddy! (goes behind the changing wall)
Brad 	Oh, all right. (sits down, pulls his string) How are you, Teddy?
Talking Teddy™ 	Keep your hands off my string, vinyl-breath.
Bootsie 	There's one more guest coming.
 	A knock on the door. Foo-Foo barks as Amanda watches.
Bootsie 	That must be him now.
 	A rugged warrior action figure enters, armed with a flamethrower, screaming. Brad ducks behind the couch and Teddy cowers.
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	That's it! Let there be a quick tea party!
 	He shoots the flamethrower at Foo-Foo, who ducks away.
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	Got a search-and-destroy mission at 0800.
Bootsie 	I'm so glad you could come to my tea party. Please sit down. Teddy, this is Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™. (pulls his string)
Talking Teddy™ 	Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Would you like to give me a kiss?
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	Hi, I'm Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™. Would you like to live to see tomorrow?
 	Brad emerges, laughing nervously.
Bootsie 	And this is my boyfriend, Brad.
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	Hi, wimp.
 	They don't make eye contact at first, but then the Sergeant faces Brad and growls. Brad casually stands his ground.
Brad 	Hi.
 	Bootsie sits down and hands Brad his teacup.
Bootsie 	Now then! I bet all of you are thinking about summer getaways.
Talking Teddy™ 	Not really.
Bootsie 	I know I am!
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	I'm going to Nicaragua.
Brad 	For what? The wimps' convention? (laughs)
Bootsie 	Brad, your tea is getting cold.
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	Here, I'll heat it up for you.
 	He aims the flamethrower at Brad, singeing his entire suit.
Brad 	My party outfit!
Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™	Well, Boots, gotta rock. (to Brad) Thanks for the laugh. (pats Bootsie on the butt) Some babe.
 	He exits the dollhouse, yelling. Brad slams the door.
Brad 	And don't come back! Oh, Bootsie... with macho guys like that around, why do you put up with me?
Bootsie 	It's because you're so silly-sweet-- right, Teddy?
Talking Teddy™ 	(pulls his own string) And because you're such a dip.
 	Bootsie and Brad laugh as Kermit watches.
Kermit 	Oh, well-- toys will be toys.
 	Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 2==
===Gonzo on tape===
Gonzo 	Hey, Kermit! Can I see you a second?
Kermit 	Gonzo, you're here after all! That's great.
Gonzo 	Actually, I'm not.
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	I'm not here.
Kermit 	Don't be silly. You're standing right in front of me.
Gonzo 	No, I'm not. I'm at the poultry show, where any sane man would be.
Kermit 	Huh?
Gonzo 	But I knew you'd miss me, so before I left, I had myself pre-recorded.
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	If you don't believe me, ask Digit.
Kermit 	(flustered) But — how - if you're pre-recorded, how can you possibly answer my questions?
Gonzo 	I'm just very good at predicting what you're going to say next, Kermit.
Kermit 	Gonzo, that is (Gonzo says it with him) absolutely the most preposterous thing I have ever heard ...
Gonzo 	... ever heard in my life.
Kermit/Gonzo	Digit! Digit, Gonzo claims he's pre-recorded. Could that be true?
Digit/Gonzo 	It's possible. The technology's getting so good, you know.
Gonzo 	If you want to prove it, try rewinding me a little. You got your remote control with you?
Digit 	Yup.
Gonzo 	I'm on tape deck 4.
 	Digit rewinds Gonzo as Kermit watches in astonishment.
Gonzo 	If you want to prove it, try rewinding me a little. You got your remote control with you?
Digit 	Yup. (pokes Gonzo) He's pre-recorded, all right.
Gonzo 	I'm on tape deck 4.
Kermit 	YES, YES, WE KNOW THAT!
Gonzo 	Of course you know that! You've watched that part of me twice now!
 	Kermit screams; Gonzo echoes him.
Kermit 	Will you get out of here?!
===Ghost Story===
 	Gonzo runs past Leon.
Leon 	Gonzo!
Gonzo 	I'm sorry, but Gonzo's not here right now. However, if you care to leave a message at the beep, he'll get right back to you. Beep! (exits)
Leon 	But... boy, little geek must have stopped taking his medication.
Vicki 	You know, that's the worst tape of Gonzo I've ever seen.
 	The lights suddenly flash.
Vicki 	Oh, dear-- a power failure. This could be serious.
Leon 	This could be an emergency.
 	The monitors all lose picture and the room goes dark.
Kermit 	Uh-oh. It must be time for the ghost story. Is anybody else around?
 	Eerie music plays. A monstrous hand reaches out of the monitor and taps Kermit on the shoulder.
Kermit 	Uh, Bean, is that you?
 	He tries to run, but the hand nabs him and drags him into the monitor.
Kermit 	I hate this part.
 	The monitor fades to a dark house interior. An old lady leads Fozzie inside and turns on the light.
Old lady	I'm afraid this is the only room we rent out anymore.
Fozzie 	Oh, I'm sure it'll be wonderful. (looks around) Uh... Adequate. Barely tolerable.
Old lady	No one comes around here much, now that the new highway's open.
Fozzie 	Yeah, well, see, I took a wrong turn and uh ... oh, my, what handsome cobwebs.
Old lady	(opens a door) And this is the bathroom.
Fozzie 	Uh-huh... (aside) Matching mildew.
 	The old lady opens the window blinds.
Old lady	Will you look at that?
Fozzie 	What?
 	Outside, two men shoot hoops.
Old lady	My crazy neighbors insist on playing basketball at night.
 	She shuts the blinds, startling Fozzie.
Fozzie 	(yelps) ... Whew.
Old lady	So, what brings a young bear like you to this place?
Fozzie 	Oh, well, see, I'm going to Wall Street to become a big-time stockbroker.
 	He hands her a book; she reads the title.
Old lady	"Get Ahead and Be Wealthy".
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah. You see, I - I figure that uh, I have an aptitude for "bear" market, get it? Wall Street, and I'm a bear, and -
Old lady	And another thing...
Fozzie 	Yes, ma'am. (approaches her)
Old lady	Whatever you do...
Fozzie 	Yes?
Old lady	... Don't open that closet door.
Fozzie 	You mean this closet right over here? Oh, okay, fine.
Old lady	No, no-- you don't understand what I'm saying. When I say, "Don't open that closet door" ...
Fozzie 	Uh huh?
 	She grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him.
Old lady	I mean, FOR GOD'S SAKE! IF YOU VALUE YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL, DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER OPEN THAT CLOSET DOOR!!!
 	She throws him down. He crawls back up to her.
Fozzie 	I think I understand.
Old lady	Okay.
 	She heads for the exit, then startles Fozzie again.
Old lady	Oh...
Fozzie 	(shrieks)
Old lady	Sleep well. (exits)
Fozzie 	I'm sure glad this is only a comedy sketch.
 	The door shuts, startling him again.
 	Later, Fozzie gets ready for bed, gargling after brushing his teeth. He looks outside the window and sees the basketball game. He yawns, then heads for the bed.
 	Hours later, Fozzie is awoken by a strange creaking noise. He sees the doorknob turning by itself. He turns the light on and heads for the door, cowering and pointing to it. He reaches the door, fearful of what could be behind it.
Fozzie 	(aside) Oh, please, don't change the channel! I don't want to be alone just now.
 	Fozzie opens the door, and a headless figure walks in, frightening him. He runs outside and approaches the basketball players.
Fozzie 	Hey, you guys! You guys, help me!
Neighbor	Here, take a shot.
 	He tosses the ball to Fozzie, who notices that the ball is really a severed head.
Broker 	Nice catch. Thank goodness you found me.
Fozzie 	This is a comedy sketch?
 	The neighbors shrug and go home. The headless figure comes outside, grabs the severed head from Fozzie, and heads back inside. Fozzie watches in amazement as the broker screws his head back on.
Broker 	And now, little bear, you shall be rewarded.
Fozzie 	Ahh!
Broker 	(indicates the book) Since you did as you were told and "got a head" ...
Fozzie 	Got a head! Ahh!
Broker 	... here is your wealth.
 	He dumps a bucket of cash onto the bed.
Broker 	Now, if you don't mind, I've got a power breakfast with the Ghost of Christmas Past. (exits)
Fozzie 	How about that-- it's a yuppie ghost story! Ha! (he vanishes)
===Closing number===
 	Kermit is thrown out of another monitor. He gets up and dusts himself off.
Kermit 	Well, uh, a few laughs, a little decapitation-- a good old-fashioned comedy. Hmm. Wonder what else is happening.
Vicki 	"'tis a far, far better thing than I have ever done be-"
 	She notices the lights come on.
Vicki 	Oh, pooh. Looks like the emergency's over.
 	Kermit sees Bean hopping on one monitor.
Kermit 	Uh, Bean? Bean?
Bean Bunny 	Huh?
Kermit 	Uh, that's cute, but you're breaking our reality there.
Bean Bunny 	Oh, sorry.
Kermit 	Now...
Gonzo 	(passes by) Pay no attention to me, Kermit. I am still not here.
Kermit 	It's that pre-recorded Gonzo again.
Gonzo 	See? Even though I'm gone, you still can't get rid of me.
Kermit 	That figures. You're not all here even when you are here. Hey, wait a second--
Kermit/Gonzo	I/You just got an idea!
Kermit 	I know how to get rid of you.
Kermit/Gonzo	Fast-forwarding!
 	Kermit takes the remote and fast-forwards Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Listen, Kermit, you'll regret this!
Kermit 	I doubt it.
Gonzo 	Oh, okay! I'll regret it!
Kermit 	That's more like it.
 	Kermit fast-forwards Gonzo some more.
Gonzo 	Oh, please, Kermit, I beg you! I beseech you on behalf of pre-recorded people everywhere!
 	Kermit fast-forwards Gonzo until he becomes a test pattern.
Gonzo 	Oh, now you've done it. I've come to the end of my tape.
 	Taped Gonzo walks away sadly, when the real Gonzo emerges wearing a tuxedo.
Gonzo 	Hi, I thought I'd never leave. Hello, Kermit, I'm back.
Kermit 	Thank goodness.
 	Angle on Camilla with a ribbon.
Gonzo 	Look at Camilla-- blue ribbon, third year in a row.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Gonzo 	And I'm ready to do the closing number like you wanted.
Vicki 	Hey, hey - you don't have to. Guess what? While you were out at the ghost story, Buster Poindexter videotaped a great musical number for us.
Kermit 	Fantastic! That can be our closing! Come on, let's put it in the machine!
Vicki 	Okay! (they head to another edit bay)
Gonzo 	Hey, I had my heart set on being in the closing number!
Vicki 	Tape is rolling.
Kermit 	Aha. And now, through the magic of videotape, MuppeTelevision proudly presents Mr. Buster Poindexter.
 	Buster appears on both monitors.
Buster 	Thank you, Kermit. You know, I was hoping that you'd be here to join in the number with us.
Kermit 	What?
Buster 	Kermit, did you hear me? Come join us.
Kermit 	I-I-I don't know what's happening here.
Buster 	(points) I'm talking to you.
Kermit 	But you can't be-- you're on videotape. You can't be talking to me!
Buster 	Sure I can. It's a little trick Gonzo taught me.
Kermit 	Oh, good grief.
Buster 	Now come on-- join me.
Kermit 	Uh, be serious. You're on videotape and I'm here live in the control room. It can't be done!
 	Gonzo enters with a remote.
Gonzo 	Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, how little you understand the technology.
 	He presses a button and zaps Kermit into the picture with Buster. Camilla joins Gonzo.
Gonzo 	That's what I call fun!
 	Laughing, he zaps Camilla into the picture, then himself. At a fancy nightclub, Buster performs "All Night Party" as the dinner guests dance. Bean passes the groupies, and they follow him again, as a forlorn Flash looks on. Statler and Waldorf sit at a table, watching it happen.
Waldorf 	You enjoying all this?
Statler 	I'll say!
Waldorf 	Your hearing aid's off.
Statler 	That's why I'm enjoying it!
 	They chuckle. Zoot and Digit join the backup band.
Kermit 	Hmm, uh, well, folks, this party could definitely go on all night, and since you probably have other things to do, I'll just say so long for now.
 	Fade to black.
==Storyteller Intro==
 	Jim sits with the lion.
Jim	Now here comes a story with the lion in it.
 	The lion glances at a nearby podium.
Jim	Oh - Kermit and the gang sent you that. That's a pedestal to put your Emmy on. It's a bit premature, I think, but we'll soon see. Here's John Hurt as the Storyteller, and a romantic tale known as "The True Bride."
==Closing==
 	Jim pets the lion.
Jim 	You were great in that. Wasn't he terrific? But listen, now how come you never told us you could talk? Hmm? (pause) Are you going to talk any more? (pause) Come on, speak to us.
Lion	I have nothing further to say.
Jim 	Well, maybe he will next week. We'll see you then.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts