Transcripts/The Peanut Reaction

==Season 1 - Episode 16 - The Peanut Reaction==
Scene 	The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as “take him down” and “he’s got you, Sheldon.”
Penny 	Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
Leonard 	Oh, it's called trestling.
Howard 	It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport.
Penny 	Yeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Sheldon 	We might as well stop, it's a stalemate. You're beating me in tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
Raj 	Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it's a stalemate.
Penny 	So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
Sheldon 	He can't eat cheesecake, he's lactose intolerant.
Penny 	Okay, he can have carrot cake.
Sheldon 	What about the cream cheese frosting.
Penny 	he can scrape it off.
Leonard 	Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
Penny 	I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon 	For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum.
Penny 	Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Leonard 	Oh, I don't think so.
Penny 	Why not?
Leonard 	I don't celebrate my birthday.
Penny 	Shuddup, yeah you do.
Leonard 	No, it's no big deal, it's just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny 	Uh, that's so silly.
Sheldon 	It's actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it.
Penny 	What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?”
Sheldon 	It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard 	Thank you.
Howard 	Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Penny 	Yeah, see, that's what kids should have.
Howard 	Actually that was last year.
Penny 	So you've really never had a birthday party?
Leonard 	No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
Penny 	And?
Leonard 	Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.  
Penny 	Oh my God, that's terrible.
Leonard 	Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so...7
Penny 	That's the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
Howard 	You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	Leonard is exiting Apartment 4A.
Howard 	(Voice from inside) Make sure they remember no peanuts.
Leonard 	Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”
 	(Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.)
Sheldon 	(Answering) Hello Penny. Leonard just left.
Penny 	I know. I want to talk to you.
Sheldon 	What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of, and you know I don't care for chit-chat.
Penny 	Okay, can you just let me in.
Sheldon 	Well alright, but I don't see this as a promising endeavour.
Penny 	Okay, here's the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
Sheldon 	I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Howard 	Did someone say party?
Penny 	He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one.
Howard 	I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny 	Howard, here's the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Howard 	Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it. I'm just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?
Sheldon 	I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Penny 	Anguish?
Sheldon 	Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Penny 	Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.
Sheldon 	Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.
Penny 	Nevertheless, we are....
Sheldon 	In addition I really don't think that Leonard wants a...
Penny 	Okay, here's the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon 	You can't do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it's no longer mint.
Penny 	Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon 	Well of course I... oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let's throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.
Scene 	Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door.
Sheldon 	That's not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)
Howard 	What difference does it make?
Sheldon 	The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
Penny 	Is that Raj and Howard?
Sheldon 	Possibly, but unverified.
Howard 	Can you just let us in.
Sheldon 	Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor.
Penny 	So, what did you get the birthday boy?
Howard 	Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Penny 	Nice. I got him a sweater.
Howard 	Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him... chilly.
Penny 	Uh, Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
Sheldon 	That's because I didn't bring one.
Penny 	Well why not?
Howard 	Don't ask.
Sheldon 	The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard 	Too late.
Sheldon 	Let's say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
Howard 	Told you not to ask.
Penny 	Well, Sheldon, you're his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon 	I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.
Howard 	Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny 	What?
Howard 	Just do it.
Penny 	It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon 	Oh. Fair enough.
Howard 	He came with a manual.
Sheldon 	Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don't drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
Penny 	Okay, let's do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours.
Howard 	No problem.
Penny 	And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard 	(After Raj whispers in his ear) What if guests show up?
Penny 	Entertain them.
Howard 	What if they're women?
Penny 	Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
Scene 	The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game.
Howard 	(Entering)  Hey!
Leonard 	Hey.
Howard 	How's it going?
Leonard 	Fine.
Howard 	So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Leonard 	Seen it.
Howard 	No, you've seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film.
Leonard 	Oh. Pass.
Howard 	Come on, afterwards there's a Q & A with Harrison Ford's body double.
Leonard 	Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there's this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard 	Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard 	Not if you believe his doctors.
Howard 	Oh my God, do you smell gas.
Leonard 	No.
Howard 	Yeah, no.
Scene 	An electronics store.
Penny 	Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.
Sheldon 	Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.
Penny 	Sheldon, a gift shouldn't be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn't buy for themselves.
Sheldon 	You mean, like a sweater?
Penny 	Well, it's a fun sweater, it's got a bold geometric print.
Sheldon 	Is it the geometry that makes it fun.
Penny 	Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
Sheldon 	Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
Penny 	Exactly.
Sheldon 	Something he wouldn't buy for himself. Something fun. Something like... oh, an 802.11n wireless router.
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Leonard 	Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying “oh, that did not feel good.”) Come on, come on, oh you clever little.... Come on, come on, take that!
Howard 	(Picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.) Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!
Leonard 	What's the matter?
Howard 	This granola bar, there's peanuts in it.
Leonard 	Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard 	I don't know, it was just there.
Leonard 	Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?
Howard 	Don't yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room.
Leonard 	Now?
Howard 	No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket.
Leonard 	Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys.
Howard 	Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh.... (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it's out of the washer. I'll call you when it's in the dryer.
Leonard 	(Running in) Alright, let's go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.)
Scene 	The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.
Sheldon 	What do you think.
Penny 	(Pointing randomly) Um, that one.
Sheldon 	Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.
Penny 	Sure.
Sheldon 	He doesn't need them, he's already got a 640 connect switch
Penny 	Oh, okay then this one.
Sheldon 	Why?
Penny 	I don't know, the man on the box looks so happy.
Sheldon 	Penny! If I'm going to buy Leonard a gift, I'm going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
Penny 	Oh, I know I'm going to regret this but, what trauma?
Sheldon 	On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
Penny 	Of course.
Sheldon 	Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me... wow, this is hard. They got me... a motorised dirt bike.
Penny 	No?
Sheldon 	What twelve-year-old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?
Penny 	All of them.
Sheldon 	Really?
Penny 	Yeah.
Sheldon 	Huh?
Penny 	Okay, so we’re getting this one?
Sheldon 	Yeah, I suppose.
Penny 	Okay, let's go.
Random woman	Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
Sheldon 	I know everything about this stuff.
Woman 	Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Penny 	Here, buy this one. Look, it's the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.
Sheldon 	No, no, no, no, she doesn't want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.
Woman 	Thank you.
Random guy 	Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?
Sheldon 	It depends on what Bus you have.
Guy 	I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon 	Oh, dear lord.
Penny 	Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon 	Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I'll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don't say a white one?
Scene 	The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
Howard 	Excuse me.
Nurse 	Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard 	No, listen, see we’re throwing my friend a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Nurse 	Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat.
Howard 	No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I'm allergic to peanuts.
Nurse 	Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard 	Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Nurse 	Is that all you need?
Howard 	Yes.
Nurse 	Get out of my ER.
Howard 	No, you don't understand.
Nurse 	Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Howard 	Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people.
Nurse 	Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time.
Leonard 	(Running in) Hey, sorry I couldn't find a parking spot, how are you doing.
Howard 	Bad, very bad.
Leonard 	Really, ‘cos you don’t look like you’re swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home.
Howard 	We can’t go home.
Leonard 	Why not?
Howard 	Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water.
Leonard 	Alright, I’ll be right back.
Howard 	(Into phone) Penny, look, I’ve got a problem.
Penny 	(With Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers) Yeah, well so do I, look you’ve got to stall Leonard a little longer.
Howard 	I don’t think I can.
Penny 	You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell “surprise!”
Howard 	Okay, you have to understand something, we’re in a hospital right now.
Penny 	Why, is Leonard okay.
Howard 	Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny 	Okay, I don't need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard 	Look, I’ve done my best but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Penny 	Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard 	Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny 	I’ve got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I’ve got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard 	Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I'm doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)
Scene 	The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer.
Sheldon 	Okay, we don't have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Penny 	(With shop assistant, points at Sheldon) Him.
Assistant 	Excuse me, sir, you don't work here.
Sheldon 	Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Penny 	Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon 	Why?
Penny 	Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard's birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.
Sheldon 	(To customer) Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Penny 	Keep walking.
Sheldon 	Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password.
Scene 	The hospital.
Leonard 	Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Nurse 	No he's not.
Leonard 	Yes he is.
Nurse 	Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don't... (sees Howard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap!
Howard 	Pees hep me!
Nurse 	Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away.
Howard 	Fank-u.
Scene 	The stairwell.
Leonard 	Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything.
Howard 	I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.
Leonard 	You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
Howard 	Oh, right, it's your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it's all over now.
Leonard 	There is a party, isn't there.
Howard 	Maybe.
Leonard 	Howard.
Howard 	Are you mad?
Leonard 	how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me.
Howard 	Yeah, that's why I did it.
Leonard 	Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party.
 	(Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.)
Raj 	Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise!
 	Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
Raj 	Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don't know where you are dude, but it's really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh... (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there's a girl taking her shirt off.
Penny 	That's my friend Carol. Remind me, I’ve got to introduce her to Howard.
Raj 	Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker.
Penny 	I'm so sorry you didn't get your party.
Leonard 	Oh, it's okay.
Penny 	Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.)
Leonard 	Hey Penny, when, uh, when's your birthday?
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)