Patrick-Man: Infinity War

Patrick-Man: Infinity War is an episode of The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star.
== Prologue ==
(We begin in Patchy's house in Encino, California.)
Patchy: Hi, kids! It's me, Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club! I can't wait to show you all of the Mermaid Man figurines I've collected today!
(Patchy looks both ways.)
Patchy: Potty! What did you do with my Mermaid Man figurines!
(Potty flies onscreen.)
Potty: Squawk! I don't know what happened to your toys!
Patchy: They're not toys! They're action figures! And I told you to look over them!
Potty: You never do anything for me!
Patchy: Potty, I don't have time for this!
Potty: Squawk! I want to break up!
(Potty flies into Patchy's room then flies back out with a treasure chest.)
Potty: This is my half!
Patchy: Get your filthy talons off my booty! (to audience) Hey, that reminds me of the time SpongeBob and the gang stopped Thanos from wiping out half of all life in the universe! Want to hear the story?
Kids: No!
Patchy: Well, you're going to hear it, anyway! (muttering) Ungrateful brats.
== Movie ==
(We are now in King Neptune's castle. Neptune is sitting on his throne with his squire standing beside him.)
King Neptune: Squire, I haven't had a prisoner presented to me all day. Don't tell me we're getting soft on crime.
Squire: I apologize, King Neptune. I'll have someone arrested right away.
(As the squire leaves the castle, he sees a spaceship land in front of him.)
Squire: Oh, Neptune. I've got to tell Neptune!
(The squire runs back to Neptune's throne.)
Neptune: Why haven't you brought me a prisoner?
Squire: A strange ship has landed in front of the castle!
Neptune: Did you see who was in it?
Squire: Well, no. I...
Neptune: (scoffs) What do I even not pay you for?
(Suddenly, the sounds of fish screaming fill the palace.)
Squire: That...that sounds like the guards!
(Neptune grabs his trident.)
Neptune: Whoever has breached my castle won't be coming out alive!
(Thanos walks into the room with an infinity gauntlet covering one hand and blood covering the other.)
Thanos: Won't I?
(Neptune blasts Thanos with his trident. Thanos easily avoids the blast and uses the power stone in his infinity gauntlet to weaken Neptune.)
Neptune: What...what have you done?
(Neptune drops the trident, no longer strong enough to hold it.)
Squire: You...you're not going to kill me, right?
Thanos: No, I've already killed half of the people here.
Squire: I'll take it!
(The squire leaves the palace.)
Neptune: Traitor!
(Thanos approaches Neptune.)
Neptune: What do you want?
Thanos: Your trident.
(Thanos picks up the trident Neptune dropped and snaps it in two, retrieving the space stone from it.)
Neptune: No!
(As Thanos adds the space stone to his gauntlet, a familiar face enters the room.)
Neptune: Mindy?
(Mindy, no longer wearing glasses or a bow and now wearing a black catsuit that starts at her neck and covers her tail, swims beside Thanos.)
Thanos: Oh, have you met my right-hand woman?
Mindy: I go by The Black Widow now, father.
Neptune: Why would you associate yourself with this...monster? Is this your idea of a teenage rebellion?
Mindy:  You may think this is suffering, father, but no. It is salvation. Because of the sacrifice your guards have made, the universal scales tip toward balance.
Neptune: My guards? Those were our guards. You...you've known them since childhood.
Thanos: As touching as this reunion is, we must get going.
Neptune: First you kill my guards, then you destroy my trident, and now I find out you've corrupted my daughter. You have no idea who you're dealing with!
(Neptune overcomes the power stone's weakening and runs towards Thanos from behind.)
Neptune: I am a GOD!
(Thanos turns around and punches Neptune, sending him across the room. Neptune lands so hard on his throne that he destroys the throne, injuring himself in the process.)
Thanos: Puny god.
(A week later, fish in black suits and sunglasses walk into Shady Shoals Rest Home.)
Receptionist: Who are you?
(One of the fish reveal a badge.)
Fish: We work for the Pacific Government. We're here to bring Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy back into our custody.
(Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy get into a black van with the fish.)
Barnacle Boy: Who are you two?
Fish: We work for a secret government agency that has been tracking your exploits for decades: S.H.E.L.L.
Mermaid Man: Shell? Like the gas station?
Fish: S.H.E.L.L. is short for the Strategic Headquarters for the Extermination of Lawless Lemons. We were created in the early 1940s as a response to all of the super-powered humans showing up underwater, some with noble goals like you two but others with more...nefarious goals.
Barnacle Boy: So, what do you want with us now?
Fish: Neptune, king of the Seven Seas, was attacked by an extraterrestrial being last week. He told us that this being, Thanos, is more powerful than any he had ever encountered before. He'll need a super squad to take him down, and that's why we're re-assembling the greatest super squad this world has ever known.
Barnacle Boy: The International Justice League of Super Acquaintances? No, we're much too old for that.
Fish: Don't worry. S.H.E.L.L. has a fix.
(Hours later, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, and the S.H.E.L.L. agents walk into a government facility, where older versions of The Quickster, Elastic Waistband, Captain Magma, and Miss Appear are already waiting in the lobby.)
Captain Magma: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! Late at usual!
Barnacle Boy: Captain Magma. Hotheaded as usual.
Mermaid Man: (nervous) Hi, Miss Appear.
Miss Appear: (chuckles) After everything we've been through, you can move past the formalities, Ernie.
Mermaid Man: We're still riding that invisible boatmobile you got us. Still runs great.
Miss Appear: (nods) That's good to hear.
(The superheroes hear the elevator ding, and a gold-colored man wearing a hairnet over his head walks out.)
Barnacle Boy: (gasps) Pi-Right?
The Quickster: I thought you died!
Pi-Right Ponderer: Officially, I am dead. Unofficially, I've been working for S.H.E.L.L. this whole time.
Elastic Waistband: You haven't aged a bit.
Pi-Right Ponderer: Oh, I have aged! But I was able to bring myself back to my physical prime using an invention I completed just last month, and based on recent events, the timing couldn't have been better!
(The superheroes join Pi-Right Ponderer on an elevator.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Brace yourselves. This will be a bumpy ride.
(The elevator quickly drops to the bottom floor, disturbing the older people on the elevator.)
Captain Magma: What are you trying to do, kill us?
The Quickster: I haven't gone that fast in over 30 years!
Pi-Right Ponderer: Sorry about that, but it will all be worth it soon.
(Pi-Right Ponderer leads the heroes to a large machine.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Here it is, my De-Aging Booth! You just walk inside it, and after I enter a few commands, it will restore your body to its peak condition!
Barnacle Boy: So, I get to be a hunk again? Out of the way!
(Barnacle Boy runs into the machine, and after Pi-Right Ponderer pushes some button on it, steam comes out, and the door opens up to reveal a younger-looking Barnacle Boy inside of it.)
Barnacle Boy: My back...my knees...they aren't sore anymore! (flexes) I feel like a million bucks!
(The rest of the superheroes go into the machine, and all of them come out looking younger.)
Elastic Waistband: Alright, where's this Thanos fellow? I can't wait to kick his butt!
Pi-Right Ponderer: Unfortunately, the seven of us might not be enough. With the power stone, Thanos was already the most powerful creature on the planet. With the space stone...we'll need more heroes.
Miss Appear: Where are we supposed to find more heroes on such short notice?
Pi-Right Ponderer: Your adventures have inspired many over the last several decades. I believe I've found a way to get in touch with them.
(The next morning, SpongeBob bangs on Patrick's rock. The rock opens with Patrick stuck to it, and he yawns.)
Patrick: What's going on?
SpongeBob: Did you read the latest Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy newsletter?
Patrick: You know I can't read!
SpongeBob: Sorry, I forgot. Anyway, the IJLSA just sent out a call for heroes! Apparently, something big is threatening Earth, and they'll need all the help they can get to stop it!
Patrick: What does that have to do with me?
SpongeBob: I think it's time to bring Patrick-Man out of retirement!
Patrick: Who's Patrick-Man?
SpongeBob: You know, your superhero identity!
(SpongeBob reveals an empty ice cream cone.)
SpongeBob: He had this as a hat!
Patrick: Oh...Patrick-Man! I still don't remember. Was that season 9a or 9b?
SpongeBob: (sighs) Maybe Sandy can help.
(SpongeBob and Patrick walk into Sandy's treedome.)
Sandy: Howdy!
SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy. 
Sandy: What brings y'all here?
SpongeBob: I wanted to see if you had something that could help Patrick jog his memory about Patrick-Man.
Sandy: Patrick-Man?
SpongeBob: That's what Patrick called himself when he turned into a superhero.
(SpongeBob gives Sandy the ice cream cone.)
SpongeBob: He wore this on his head.
Sandy: Sounds like Patrick.
SpongeBob: We need Patrick-Man back, because there's something really evil out there, and Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy can't defeat it alone!
Sandy: Y'all don't worry yourselves none! I'll be back in a jiff!
(Five hours later, SpongeBob and Patrick are now asleep in the middle of the treedome. Sandy comes out of her tree with a metal cone.)
Sandy: It's done!
(SpongeBob and Patrick wake up, startled.)
Sandy: Just put this on your buddy's head, and you'll have your superhero!
(Sandy gives SpongeBob the metal cone, and he puts it on Patrick's head.)
SpongeBob: Do you remember now?
Patrick: Yes. I remember...everything. And that's not all I can do!
(Suddenly, the cone expands to cover Patrick's entire body with metal.)
SpongeBob: Wow, you're like an iron man!
(Suddenly, a pair of Disney lawyers appear.)
Patrick: I'll stick with Patrick-Man.
(The Disney lawyers disappear.)
Patrick: Look at what else I can do!
(The bottom of Patrick's feet turn into rockets, and he flies around the treedome.)
SpongeBob: How is he doing this?
Sandy: The helmet I made for Patrick takes advantage of the parts of his brain he isn't using. There's even more of it than I thought!
(Patrick lands beside SpongeBob, and his suit contracts back into a helmet.)
Patrick: I'm ready to save the word!
(SpongeBob and Patrick leave the treedome.)
SpongeBob: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy said to meet them at the Bikini Bottom Convention Hall. That's where all the heroes will be.
Patrick: You coming with?
SpongeBob: I wish, but I've got to go to work.
Patrick: I'll tell you how it goes!
(After SpongeBob and Patrick go their separate ways, Patrick sees a building on fire. Fish hurry out of the building, but one woman stops.)
Woman: Oh, no! I left Harry in there!
(A worm sticks its head out of a window and pants.)
Woman: Somebody help!
Patrick: She could really use a superhero. (pauses) Wait! I'm a superhero!
(Just as Patrick is about to spring into action, he notices a giant urchin crawling into the room the woman is in. A few seconds later, the urchin, which is actually a boy dressed as an urchin, jumps out of the building with the worm.)
Woman: Thank you so much!
Boy: No problem!
(The boy gives the woman her worm, and she pets it.)
Woman: Say...aren't you a little too young to be rescuing animals from burning buildings?
Boy: Yes. Yes I am.
Woman: What do I call you?
Boy: Call me...Urchin Man!
Patrick: Urchin Man?
(As Urchin Man walks off, Patrick follows him.)
Patrick: Hey, are you a superhero?
Urchin Man: I guess you could call me that.
Patrick: That's great! Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy just sent out a call for superheroes! We're all meeting at the Bikini Bottom Convention Hall!
Urchin Man: (checks watch) I have class in five minutes...but I guess I can skip if it's really important.
Patrick: It is! We're fighting something horrible! Like, a wedgie you can't get rid of no matter how hard you pull it down horrible!
Urchin Man: (laughs) Hey, what's your superpower?
Patrick: I can show you!
(Patrick's helmet expands to cover his body in metal again.)
Patrick: Hop on!
Urchin Man: Hop on what?
Patrick: On me, silly!
(Urchin Man climbs onto Patrick's back, and Patrick generates rockets under his feet again, shooting himself and Urchin Man into the sky.)
Urchin Man: Wow!
Patrick: To the Convention Hall!
(Patrick flies to the Bikini Bottom Convention Hall with Urchin Man on his back. When they walk inside, they find dozens of other fish dressed like superheroes around them.)
Urchin Man: I didn't know there were this many of us.
Patrick: Look! It's the IJLSA!
(Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, The Quickster, Elastic Waistband, Captain Magma, Miss Appear, and Pi-Right Ponderer walk onto the stage.)
Urchin Man: They look just like they do in the show. How is that possible? The show is over 50 years old now.
Patrick: They must use really good skin cream.
Pi-Right Ponderer: Thanks to all of you for coming here today! I'm sure you have many questions, but for now, I would like to focus on what we're going up against.
(A poster of Thanos unravels behind the heroes on the stage.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Thanos, known by many as the Mad Titan, is a genocidal warlord from another planet who is currently on a quest to collect ancient artifacts known as Infinity Stones. It is said that when all six Infinity Stones that exist are collected, you will have the power to do anything you want throughout all of time and space.
(Another poster showing the Infinity Stones unravels behind the heroes.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: I believe that once he has all of the Infinity Stones, he will use their power to destroy half of all life in the universe!
(Everybody in the crowd gasps.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: The reality stone and soul stone are on different planets, but the time stone is in my possession, and the mind stone has been entrusted to a close ally. Thanos will be back, and we'll all need to be prepared to fight him. Many of you won't survive...
Fish 1: Wait, what was that?
Fish 2: Nobody said anything about dying!
Fish 3: I just wanted Mermaid Man's autograph.
Pi-Right Ponderer: Just wait a minute!
(The fish in the crowd start loudly complaining.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: If you aren't ready to lose your life for this mission, you can get out right now!
(All of the costumed fish except Urchin Man and Patrick leave the building.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Well...that didn't go as I expected.
Mermaid Man: Who are you two?
Urchin Man: I...I'm Urchin Man.
Patrick: And I'm Patrick-Man!
Mermaid Man: Welcome to the IJLSA, Urchin Man and Patrick-Man!
(On the planet of Vormir, Thanos and Mindy walk of out of their spaceship.)
Thanos: The soul stone is here. I feel it.
Mindy: Did you have to kill all of those creatures to get the reality stone from Knowhere? They weren't putting up a lot of resistance, and that talking racoon was actually pretty cute.
Thanos: Remember what we're here for.
(Thanos takes a knife out and balances it on his finger.)
Thanos: Perfectly balanced. As all things should be.
Mindy: That magic trick was a lot more impressive when you didn't have a reality-altering stone on your knuckles.
Thanos: (laughs) This will all be over soon. And we will rule the universe as its saviors.
(Thanos and Mindy approach Man Ray at the top of a mountain.)
Man Ray: (to the audience) Yeah, I'm dead. Get over it.
Thanos: Who are you?
Man Ray: My name is Man Ray. In one final, desperate attempt to take over the seas, I tried to ambush King Neptune's castle, just like you did. However, I wasn't successful. Neptune killed me with his trident, and instead of sending me to the Great Beyond, the space stone sent me here to be the guardian of what I believe you're looking for: the soul stone.
Thanos: How do I get it?
Man Ray: The soul stone isn't something you just "get". It requires a soul. The soul of the person you love most. Once that person is sacrificed, you shall have the stone.
(Thanos thinks about what Man Ray said for a long time. He then turns to Mindy.)
Mindy: Well, it looks like we'll have to find some other way to balance the universe! Bye, creep with the weird mask!
(Mindy starts to walk away, but Thanos grabs her.)
Thanos: I'm sorry, Mindy, but I've come too far to abandon my quest now.
Mindy: But...you said we were going to rule the universe together.
Thanos: And I believed we would, but it seems...that can no longer happen.
(Thanos picks Mindy up.)
Mindy: No! Please don't do this! There must be another way!
Thanos: (crying) There isn't.
(Thanos throws Mindy off the mountain, and a few seconds later, the soul stone appears in his hand.)
Man Ray: I am...free.
(Man Ray floats into the Great Beyond as Thanos adds the soul stone to his gauntlet.)
Thanos: Only two more to go, and I know exactly where they are.
(Back in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob is cooking patties in the Krusty Krab when he feels the ground shake.)
SpongeBob: What's happening?
(SpongeBob runs out of the Krusty Krab to find Squidward and Mr. Krabs looking up with their mouths agape. SpongeBob sees Plankton, now so massive that his antennae touch the sky, looking down at them.)
Plankton: This is your last chance, Krabs! Give me the Krabby Patty secret formula or I'll crush you under my feet!
Mr. Krabs: Never!
Plankton: Okay! Don't say I didn't warn you!
SpongeBob: Plankton, don't!
(As Plankton raises a leg, he sees a spaceship crash in the distance.)
Plankton: No...it can't be happening so soon.
Mr. Krabs: What's happening?
(Thanos appears in front of the Chum Bucket.)
Squidward: Where did he come from?
Plankton: Stop, Thanos! I know what you're here for!
Thanos: Ah, Plankton. You're...bigger than I remember.
Plankton: That's thanks to my newest invention! And if you do put a hand on my computer wife, I'll crush you like I'm about to crush my enemy!
Thanos: I'll risk it.
(Plankton runs towards Thanos, and Thanos raises a hand, causing Plankton to stop, slip, and fall backwards. Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob get out of the way as Plankton lands, leaving a large dent in the middle of the street.)
Plankton: I have to call Pi-Right.
(Plankton returns to his smaller form and takes out his cell phone.)
SpongeBob: Wait, Pi-Right? You know Pi-Right Ponderer?
Plankton: Yeah, he was a professor at the college I went to. We did some research together. As thanks, he gave me this thing called a mind stone, and I used it to create Karen.
(Plankton runs to the Chum Bucket with the cell phone to his ear.)
Plankton: Pi-RIght! Thanos is about to get the stone from Karen! No, it's too late to send help. Just make sure you protect yours no matter what!
(Plankton enters the Chum Bucket to find Thanos holding Karen by her stand.)
Thanos: Oh, hi! You're just in time to see the fireworks!
Plankton: Don't!
Karen: Plankton, I love y-
(Thanos smashes Karen's monitor and pulls out the mind stone before throwing her to the side.)
Plankton: You're not going to win.
(Thanos adds the mind stone to his gauntlet.)
Thanos: I know what it's like to lose somebody you love. Soon, many more people will know that feeling.
(Thanos disappears.)
Plankton: He isn't going to win.
(Plankton stares at what remains of Karen.)
Plankton: He can't.
(In front of the Bikini Bottom Convention Hall, Patrick and Urchin-Man are eating nachos as the rest of the IJLSA are by their boatmobiles talking.)
Captain Magma: What do we do? If Thanos already has five infinity stones, there's no way we stop him!
Elastic Waistband: We may need...him.
Captain Magma: No! There's no way! It's out of the question!
The Quickster: Let's face it, Cap. A guy who shoots lava out of his head won't be enough. Not for this coming battle.
Captain Magma: I...I can't control him.
Miss Appear: What do you think, Pi-Right?
Pi-Right Ponderer: (sighs) We'll see. But for now, we have one more reinforcement coming.
(King Neptune pulls up in his chariot.)
King Neptune: What is this? Where's my army?
Mermaid Man: We have two more over there.
(Mermaid Man points to Patrick and Urchin-Man, who wave with cheese-covered hands.)
Neptune: We're going to die.
(Thanos appears beside Patrick.)
Patrick: How's it going, magic purple man? Want a nacho?
Urchin Man: Mr. Star, I think that's the evil dude trying to kill everyone!
Patrick: Really? (to Thanos) No nacho for you!
(Neptune jumps out of his chariot.)
Neptune: Where is my daughter, Thanos?
Thanos: She died. I had to sacrifice her for the soul stone.
(Neptune covers his face and grabs his chariot to keep his balance as he sobs at the news.)
Thanos: If it matters to you at all, I did love her.
(Pi-Right Ponderer turns to Captain Magma.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Okay. Do it. Bring him out.
Captain Magma: You sure?
Pi-Right Ponderer: I'll find some way to explain it to S.H.E.L.L.
(Captain Magma closes his eyes, and then he transforms into a huge, fiery monster.)
Urchin Man: What is that thing?
Patrick: I've never seen that in the show before!
Barnacle Boy: It's...Krakatoa.
(Krakatoa runs to Thanos, roaring and shooting magma everywhere. Thanos raises a hand, which causes Krakatoa to stop for a moment and shake his head before charging at Thanos again.)
Thanos: What?
(Krakatoa punches Thanos with all his might. Patrick and Urchin-Man get out of the way as Thanos flies into the convention hall.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Now! Focus on nothing else but retrieving the infinity gauntlet!
(The Quickster speeds into the hole Thanos left in the convention hall, finding Thanos on the ground unconscious.)
The Quickster: Bingo.
(The Quickster tries to pull the infinity gauntlet off Thanos' hand.)
The Quickster: It's on pretty tight! I'll need help!
(Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy swim into the convention hall, while Elastic Waistband stretches himself inside. They help The Quickster pull at the infinity gauntlet, and it finally starts to move.)
Elastic Waistband: We're making headway!
(Thanos wakes up, and he immediately tightens the infinity gauntlet to his hand again and sends Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, The Quickster, and Elastic Waistband flying out of the convention hall.)
Thanos: I tried to do this diplomatically...
(Thanos climbs out of the convention hall, and he grabs Patrick by his neck.)
Urchin Man: No! Leave Mr. Star alone!
(Urchin Man jumps onto Thanos' face, and Thanos pulls him off and throws him into a pole. Urchin Man uses his sticky fingers to latch into the pole.)
Urchin Man: Please! Stop! You'll kill him.
Thanos: That's the plan. Unless Pi-Right Ponderer removes that mental cloud he's formed over the time stone, his newest friend will die, and I'll kill everybody else in the IJLSA until I get what I want.
Pi-Right Ponderer: (sighs) Stop.
(Pi-Right Ponderer opens a hand to reveal the time stone inside of it.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: Here it is. The final piece to your puzzle. Now let the starfish go.
(Thanos drops Patrick and takes the time stone from Pi-Right Ponderer.)
Mermaid Man: What have you done?
(Pi-Right Ponderer walks to Patrick and helps him up.)
Pi-Right Ponderer: We're in the Endgame now.
(Krakatoa runs to Thanos again, but Thanos easily avoids him as he adds the time stone to his gauntlet. The Quickster runs at him now, and Thanos uses the time stone to slow him down.)
The Quickster: How...fast...do...you...think...this...will...go?
Thanos: (snaps fingers) Just like that.
(The Quickster's speed returns to normal, and he turns to dust before he reaches Thanos.)
Miss Appear: The Quickster!
(Miss Appear disappears. Urchin Man is with Patrick again, and he drops to his knees.)
Urchin Man: Mr. Star? I don't feel so good...
Patrick: It's probably those convention hall nachos. They wreak havoc on your insides.
(Urchin Man vomits.)
Patrick: Better?
Urchin Man: Better.
(Urchin Man fades to dust.)
Patrick: I don't remember nachos doing that!
(People disappear all around Bikini Bottom. In the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs comes out of the office just as half his customers turn to dust.)
Mr. Krabs: Me money!
(Squidward turns to dust.)
Mr. Krabs: Me cashier!
(Thanos is now inside of the Soul Stone. Mindy, who now looks like Mindy in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie again, swims up to him.)
Mindy: Did you do it?
Thanos: Yes.
Mindy: What did it cost?
Thanos: Hundreds of thousands of dollars of royalties.
(The Disney lawyers are back now and laughing as they hold fistfuls of cash.)
Thanos: Vultures.
(To Be Concluded)
Category:The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts