The Chicken Peter Christmas Special

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The Chicken Peter Christmas Special is the fourth episode of Chicken Peter, and, as the name subtly hints at, is the Chicken Peter special. 
The episode released on December 22, 2023, and was written by .
Chicken Peter is barely in it.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of a San Francisco coffee house decorated with Christmas window stickers and tinsel. Chicken Peter, THE MONKEY, and Chris Chan enter.]
Chris Chan: I just need to use the restroom quickly and make a yuletide log. Even CPU goddesses need to dispose of bodily waste.
[Chris Chan darts for the restrooms. THE MONKEY turns to Chicken Peter.]
Chicken Peter: Look, I already- CHEEP CHEEP- told you. We are not bringing Chris Chan with us. The North Pole is already filled with too many weirdos.
THE MONKEY: I just don’t know if I can trust Chris alone in our apartment for the week though. 
Chicken Peter: Yeah, but… (sighs) you’re completely right, baby cakes..
[The two kiss. The barista calls Chicken Peter and THE MONKEY forward in the queue.]
Susan: Next please.
Chicken Peter: Oh hi Susan.
Susan: Oh hi Chicken Peter, I didn’t know it was you.
Chicken Peter: Can I get a large peanut butter cup with extra whipped cream, please?
THE MONKEY: I’ll just have a banana smoothie.
Susan: How about something like… cheesecake!?
THE MONKEY: Nah.
Susan: Real good…
[The two shake their heads.]
Susan: Alright. Go sit down, we’ll be right there.
[The two go to sit down at a table, when they spot Chicken Johnny, Chicken Mark, and Denny.]
Chicken Johnny: Oh hi Chicken Peter! Oh hi THE MONKEY!
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH-OOH!
Chicken Peter: Hey Johnny, Mark, Denny.
[The two join their table.]
THE MONKEY: I fucking hate that Susan. Did she try to offer you cheesecake too?
Chicken Mark: I hate cheesecake.
Chicken Johnny: I uuyksuygfuhj2w I don’t mind.
[Chris Chan joins the table.]
Chris Chan: ‘Sup.
Chicken Peter: Fuck. We forgot to order you something, sorry.
Chris Chan: It’s okay, I’m on a diet.
Denny: What kind of diet?
Chris Chan: Orange fanta mixed with semen.
Denny: Ooh I ought to try that.
THE MONKEY: Wait, this is perfect actually! 
Chris Chan: Fanta mixed with my cum?
THE MONKEY: I meant us all being here like this. Johnny, you don’t mind Chris joining us on our trip, right?
Chicken Johnny: Not at- CHEEP CHEEP- all! The more the merrier.
Denny: I thought two was great but three’s a crowd.
Chris Chan: What trip?
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! You haven’t told Chris, have you?!
Chicken Peter: Every year Johnny takes us to spend Christmas at the North Pole.
Chris Chan: …the North Pole?
Chicken Johnny: Yeah yeah yeah, with Santa Claus. Hahaha!
Chris Chan: You know Santa?!
Chicken Peter: He’s pretty close friends with him, actually.
Chris Chan: WHAT?!!!!!!!! 
Chicken Johnny: Santa Claus and I go way back, hahaha!
THE MONKEY: Ooh-ooh ooh! I feel a storytime coming on!
[Everyone around the table chants “story!” over and over.]
Chicken Peter: Not a story…
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Peter, you’re just a little chicken!
Chicken Peter: You’re a chicken too…
Denny: I wanna hear the story.
Chicken Mark: You already know the story.
Denny: I just like to listen to you guys.
Chicken Johnny: Okayyy, okay, I’ll tell the story. It all starts way back, in my hometown of New Orleans, when I was just a little baby, and way before I was Chicken Johnny and I was still Human Johnny.
[Exterior shot of an orphanage. Inside, an orphanage worker carries baby Johnny back to his crib. Christmas decorations fill the room.]
Orphanage worker: There you go. Maybe by next Christmas you’ll have a home. Merry Christmas, my angel.
[The orphanage worker leaves the room.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) I was all alone in the orphanage. No parents, no friends, just me. And all the other people in the orphanage. When suddenly…
[A loud THUD is heard as Santa comes down the chimney. Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chris Chan: OH MY GOD SANTAA!!!q$£wTRYGSJ DS ANTSHDA DSAANTA ITS SSANTAS-
Chicken Johnny: Excuse me, are you the one telling the story?
Chris Chan: Sorry.
[Cut back to the orphanage. Santa is eating the cookies left out for him.]
Santa: AUGH I’M SO FULL OF MILK AND COOKIES.
[Baby Johnny slowly starts crawling out of his crib as Santa sets down presents for the orphans. Unbeknownst to Santa, Johnny climbs into Santa’s sack. Santa picks up his sack and begins climbing back up the chimney. Cut to Santa flying his sleigh back to his workshop in the North Pole. Cut to the elves joyously celebrating Santa’s return by dancing and raising their glasses for a cheerful toast. Santa takes center stage in front of the lively crowd.]
Santa: Damn I’m good. Another Christmas smashed. What a perfect match.
[The elves cheer.]
Santa: In fact, I think this may have been the most successful Christmas yet! Not like that time we let my fucking brother Uncle Grandpa take over… This year, nothing went wrong at al-
[Baby Johnny starts crawling out of Santa’s sack. The elves gasp.]
Santa: I want to kill myself.
Elf 1: It’s a human!
Elf 2: A baby human!
Baby Johnny: Goo-goo.
Elves: Awwwwwwww…
Elf 3: What are we gonna do?
Santa: I’m fucking exhausted. One of you lot is gonna have to make the trip to take the bastard back.
[An elf walks through with a tablet-like gizmo. She scans Johnny.]
Elf 4: His name is Johnny. He/Him. Says he’s from a New Orleans orphanage. …doesn’t seem to have a last name.
Elf 2: Hahaha! What a story, Elf 4.
Santa: He’s from an orphanage, hm? 
Elf 3: So he’s literally a bastard.
Elf 4: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
Santa: Guys, shut up! Elf 4, send the baby back.
Elf 4: What?!
Elf 5: But he has no parents! We can’t send him back!
Elf 4: I agree with that.
Elf 6: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SANTA!!
Santa: If we don’t send him back then what the fucking hell do you want us to do with him then?!
[Suddenly, an older elf steps forward.]
Papa Elf: I’ll take him.
Santa: What, like as a slave?
Papa Elf: I was thinking more like as a child.
Santa: You want to parent him?
Papa Elf: That’s the idea.
Elf 3: You must be kidding, arenchu?!
Papa Elf: Well, I’ve always wanted a child… I’ve just been too busy in the workshop. And I feel sorry for him all alone in the orphanage just waiting for someone like me to adopt him…
Santa: Hmm…… yeah sure why not. You can have him.
[The elves cheer. Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: And so I was raised as an elf.
Chris Chan: Like the Will Ferrell movie!
Chicken Johnny: No! This is real Hollywood movie, no Mickey Mouse stuff! Those motherfuckers at Warner Bros. stole my life story! They spit on you at Warner Bros.!
Chicken Peter: I thought Elf was by New Line Cinema.
THE MONKEY: Which was bought out by Warner Bros. in 2008…
Chicken Johnny: Stupid Warner Bros…. Stupid fucking movies….
Denny: So what happens next in the story?
Chicken Mark: You already know, Denny…
Denny: Well we’re in no rush.
Chicken Mark: Actually I gotta go see Lisa- I mean, Lena, in a little bit to make out with her.
Chicken Johnny: Is that your new girl, Mark?
Chicken Mark: I- so anyway, the story?
Chicken Johnny: Oh yah. So Papa Elf raised me as an elf at the North Pole for many years. And throughout my whole childhood, I didn’t even know I was human! Hahaha! Until…
[At the North Pole, young Johnny is sewing some autistic octopus plushies…]
Johnny: AGH! STUPID NEEDLE! GET OUT OF MY BODY BEFORE I BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR HOUSE!
[...when he overhears some higher-ranking elves talking about him.]
Elf 7: (sighs) Elf 8, I really hate to throw this on you like this, but it’s okay if you work overtime tonight, right?
Elf 8: Of course! Us elves love making toys! We don’t need to eat and sleep!
Elf 7: Thanks, you’re a hero.
Elf 8: …it’s because of Johnny, isn’t it?
[Johnny realises they’re talking about him.]
Elf 7: Yah. Him and his unpointy ears are killing me.
Johnny: (whispering to himself) My ears are pointy… right?
Elf 7: He just can’t keep the same pace on the workload of toys as the rest of us elves. And he’s so much TALLER than us, it’s scary!
Johnny: (whispering to himself) I’m not that tall…
Elf 7: He betray us, he didn’t keep his promise, he tricked us, and I don’t care anymore.
Elf 8: I kinda feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.
Elf 7: Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
[This sentence echoes in Johnny’s head as he starts having an existential crisis. His world starts spinning, and he quickly faints.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) That was the day I found out…
[Cut to Johnny running into Papa Elf’s house, crying. He runs into his bedroom and slams the door behind him. Papa Elf follows, knocking on the door.]
Papa Elf: …Johnny? Johnny? Please talk to me. Please!
Johnny: (muffled, behind the door) I'm sorry, Papa. I just need some alone time.
Papa Elf: You can tell me anything, Johnny. You are part of my life, I could not go on without you, Johnny.
[Johnny slowly opens the door.]
Johnny: I- I… I’m a human, aren’t I?
[Pause.]
Papa Elf: I... I think we... we have to talk.
[Cut to Johnny sitting on Papa Elf’s lap as he is told his origin story.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) So Papa Elf told me everything. How I was an orphan with no parents, and how I snuck into Santa’s magical sack of gifts as a baby, and how Papa Elf had raised as if we were blood related… And so I knew what I had to do.
[Cut to to Johnny talking to Santa.]
Santa: So… Papa Elf tells me you’re going back to visit New Orleans, hm?
Johnny: Not New Orleans… San Francisco!
Santa: San… Francisco?
Johnny: A magical city where dreams come true! In San Francisco, you can be anything! I could be psychologist! Or football player! Or banker!
Santa: You know there’s not a lot of magic in San Francisco, right?
Johnny: I know. But I want to be with the humans.
[Johnny pulls out two suitcases out from behind his back.]
Johnny: I’ve already packed! See?
Santa: Well I always kind of knew this day would come…
Johnny: I’m kind of nervous.
Santa: Oh, you should be! San Francisco is shit! First of all, steer clear of schools. People will either think you’re a fucking pedophile or you’ll be shot to your bloody demise. Secondly, everyone outside the North Pole is bigoted as fuck. Probably should have started with that, actually. They might make fun of your elf dialect.
Johnny: Oh… if a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Santa: Thirdly, you will need this.
[Santa hands Johnny a cheque.]
Johnny: A… piece of paper?
Santa: It means you’re entitled to two thousand dollars.
Johnny: What is a “dollars”?
Santa: It’s the American equivalent of mince pies. They don’t recognise it as legal tender yet for some reason. I get loads of mince pies on my rounds from some countries like the UK. They get sad if I don’t eat them. Brings me so much pain every year…
Johnny: Is there anything else I should know?
Santa: Probably, but I’m getting my nails done in five minutes so I must rush. Have fun in San Fernando though!
[Santa rushes off.]
Johnny: Fernando?
[Cut back to everyone in the coffee shop.]
Chris Chan: So then what?
Chicken Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story. When I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 cheque which I could not cash.
Chicken Mark: Why not?
Chicken Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank.
[Cut to Johnny at the YMCA trying to cash out the cheque.]
Clerk: The Bank of the North Pole?
Johnny: Yuh. I’m an elf, you see.
Clerk: …is this some kind of prank? I can’t accept this.
Johnny: But- b- this is all the money I have…
Clerk: Get lost, weirdo.
[Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, Lisa was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.
Chris Chan: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?
Chicken Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.
Chris Chan: What? No tips from your job?
Chicken Johnny: Whatever. So yeah, that’s the story basically.
Chicken Mark: Hahaha! What a Christmas story, Johnny!
Chicken Peter: Yeah, you can say that again.
Chicken Mark: Actually….. I think I feel a song coming on…….
[The opening notes of “Fairytale of New York” start playing.]
Chicken Mark: It was Christmassss Eeeeeeeve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you
Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true
[Instrumental]
Chicken Peter: They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome
THE MONKEY: You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day
Chicken Peter: You're a bum
THE MONKEY: You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
Chicken Peter: You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy straggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day
[Instrumental]
Chris Chan: I could have been someone
Denny: Well so could anyone
Chicken Johnny: You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
Susan: I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day
[HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
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