Rowlf Learns Karate (transcript)

What follows is a transcript of a sketch from the December 17, 1964 broadcast of The Jimmy Dean Show. This sketch is an example of the weekly chemistry between Rowlf and Jimmy Dean that paved the way for the further development of Rowlf's character. The skit also showcases some of Jerry Juhl's early skit writing for the Muppets - full of gags, jokes and puns.
Jim Henson was known for stealing the scene, and Jimmy Dean was forced to come along for the ride. In this example, Henson successfully gets Dean to break his composure towards the end of the skit, when Rowlf reacts to Jimmy's impromptu hit on the head. Jimmy suggests that this wasn't uncommon for Rowlf, asking, "You gonna start this again this week, aren't you?"
Jimmy	We have some more serious business coming up, because anything that my old buddy Rowlf is concerned with is always serious business. Rowlf, where are you?
 	
 	Rowlf pokes his head up from behind a fence. He looks around and starts giving the air karate chops.
Rowlf	Anybody wanna try a little karate? You're looking at the greatest karate fighter alive.
 	Rowlf continues to give more karate chops.
Rowlf	Take that! And here's one in your shin bone... one on your left nostril... and here's the killer... right across the belly button.
 	Jimmy enters, and taps Rowlf on the shoulder.
Jimmy	Hey there.
 	Rowlf alertly takes a defensive pose.
Rowlf	Whoa! Watch it, Jimbo, you almost got yourself killed.
 	
Jimmy	What are you doing?
Rowlf	I'm practicing some karate, Jimmy. You see, there's this big bulldog in my neighborhood who's always picking on me, see? So I'm learning self-defense.
Jimmy	Really?
Rowlf	Yeah. Hey look, look -- you hold this, see?
 	Rowlf hands Jimmy a board.
Rowlf	Hold this -- and using karate, I will break that into two pieces with my bare hand.
Jimmy	Rowlf, this is a two-inch board, buddy.
Rowlf	That is nothing for a karate fighter. Watch this.
 	Rowlf lines up his chop.
Rowlf	A-one... A-two... A-three!
 	Rowlf hits the board -- and pulls his hand back, groaning in pain.
 	
Jimmy	Rowlf, you didn't break the board.
Rowlf	So what? How often do you fight a piece of wood?
 	Jimmy drops the board to the ground.
Rowlf	Litterbug.
Jimmy	Look, this much I know about karate: If you use one of those chops, you gotta have the karate grunt.
Rowlf	The karate grunt?
Jimmy	Yeah, you know. You know, "aaghh!" "uughh!" "eehh!"
 	Jimmy does karate chops in the air as he grunts.
Rowlf	Don't look now, folks, Jimmy has a new hit record called "Big Bad 'huhh!'". If you don't like it, you can give a "huhh!" right across the living room.
Jimmy	Rowlf, would you quit fooling around, and tell me about the dog.
Rowlf	It's a bulldog, Jimmy, named Bobby. Always pushing me around and picking fights. Why, twice a day I get a sock in the eye.
Jimmy	You get a sock in the eye twice a day from Bobby?
Rowlf	Mmm. Yeah.
Jimmy	Well you ought to get a new pair of shoes to go with that pair of Bobby socks. You get it... socks from Bobby. Uh um... forget it.
Rowlf	Friends, do your share. Help stamp out tall skinny singers.
 	
Jimmy	This I want you to know, I'm sorry about that last one. This I want you to know, I don't approve of violence, Rowlf.
Rowlf	You don't.
Jimmy	I have a suggestion for you. The next time that Bobby picks a fight, don't fight. Just turn the other cheek.
Rowlf	I tried that.
Jimmy	Yes, and you went home with a happy heart, right?
Rowlf	No, I went home with a lumpy cheek.
Jimmy	Rowlf, in the first place, forget it. Don't tackle with that bulldog. You'll never make it, you're too flabby.
Rowlf	Where? That's not flab back there. I've got a tiger in my tank. Look, look, just to prove how strong I am, I'll challenge you to Indian wrestling. Come on, one for the championship!
Jimmy	You're gonna Indian wrestle me?
Rowlf	Sure. Yeah.
 	Jimmy and Rowlf grasp hands for an arm wrestling match.
 	
Jimmy	Ready?
Rowlf	Ready!
 	Jimmy quickly and effortlessly beats Rowlf.
Rowlf	Two out of three! Two out of three! For the championship!
Jimmy	Oh, come on, Rowlf, look...
Rowlf	Come on!
Jimmy	All right. Ready?
Rowlf	Ready!
 	Jimmy quickly and effortlessly beats Rowlf again.
Rowlf	Three out of five! Come on, three out of five, Jimmy!
 	Rowlf, still gripping Jimmy's hand, continues trying to bend it over while Jimmy addresses the audience. Rowlf grunts and puts his whole body into it.
Jimmy	Look, I've already shown him half a dozen times that he'll never be able to do it. He done tried to put it down three or four times, and he's flabby and he's weak. And that's all there is.
 	At this point Rowlf is using both hands to try to beat Jimmy, who hasn't even noticed his efforts.
 	
Jimmy	Ready?
Rowlf	Hmmmm!? Yeah, yeah, I'm ready! I'm ready! Okay!
 	Jimmy quickly and effortlessly beats Rowlf yet again.
Rowlf	Six hundred out of a thousand?
Jimmy	Look, Rowlf, why don't you just give up? That's no way to settle things. Believe me. Violence is not the solution. Hey, got an idea.
Rowlf	What's that?
Jimmy	Got an idea, the next time that Bobby picks on you, tell you what to do -- just laugh. Open up your mouth and laugh.
Rowlf	I tried that.
Jimmy	And you went home with a fearless heart, right?
Rowlf	I went home with a toothless mouth... and a lumpy cheek. Wait, I know, I know! I'll take care of Bobby with judo.
Jimmy	You know Japanese judo?
Rowlf	Ahh so... you are talking to honorable master of muscular coordination and rapid reflex. Hey, listen, listen. I got this. I will turn my back on you, and you sneak up on me and try to hit me. I'll show you.
 	Rowlf turns his back to Jimmy and waits.
Rowlf	Go ahead, sneak up on me. Try to hit me.
Jimmy	I'm, I'm liable to hurt you, Rowlf.
Rowlf	Hurt me? Ocka hiawaka fanaba -- or, as you Americans say... Fat chance.
 	Rowlf turns his back to Jimmy again.
 	
Rowlf	Go ahead, try to hit me.
 	Jimmy hits Rowlf on the top of his head and Rowlf falls down.
Rowlf	Ooo, hi-ya hi-ya coo-coo oui oui hi-ya coma oo-ya.
Jimmy	What does that mean?
Rowlf	There were six of them, officer, and they dropped a truck on my head.
Jimmy	That proves it. You don't know karate. You don't know judo. You don't know... just give up!
Rowlf	Oh, don't worry, Jimbo. Don't worry. When everything else fails, I still got my secret weapon.
Jimmy	Your secret weapon?
Rowlf	Yeah... grrrrr...
 	Rowlf aggressively bites Jimmy's arm.
Jimmy	All right, that's good!
Rowlf	Yeah! See, that bulldog won't bother me anymore.
Jimmy	No, sir. Now, that's the way to take care of him.
Rowlf	Him? This isn't a him dog, this is a her dog.
Jimmy	"Bobby" is a girl dog?
Rowlf	Sure -- Bobbie, short for Barbara. But she won't pick on me when I take care of her like this...
 	Rowlf aggressively bites Jimmy in the arm again.
Jimmy	No! Rowlf, you can't do that.
Rowlf	I can't?
Jimmy	You don't go around bitin' girls.
Rowlf	This cowboy's been hanging around horses too long.
Jimmy	(laughs) What I mean is this...
Rowlf	What?
Jimmy	That -- (chuckles) -- if you're having trouble with girls, you don't act tough, Rowlf.
Rowlf	No?
Jimmy	No, you act sweet and nice. You romance her.
Rowlf	You are right. You're right, Jimbo. I will act gentle and suave.
Jimmy	Good, good.
Rowlf	I will hold her hand.
Jimmy	Marvelous.
Rowlf	And I will whisper sweet nothings... and then I'll bite her!
 	Rowlf aggressively bites Jimmy in the arm for a third time.
 	
Jimmy	Let... go... of... that!
 	Jimmy beats Rowlf on the head to get him off.
Rowlf	Hm, I've been struck.
 	Rowlf rubs his head in pain. Jimmy laughs.
Jimmy	That was a dirty ad-lib, wasn't it? Now wait, wait. Will you listen to me?
 	Rowlf is still holding his head in pain.
 	
Rowlf	Oh... Hmm?
 	Jimmy continues to laugh. He reaches over and rips Rowlf's hand off his head.
Rowlf	Sorry.
Jimmy	All right, now will you listen to me just a minute?
Rowlf	What, what is it?
Jimmy	You gonna start again this week, aren't you, huh? Listen to me. The next time, the next time that Bobbie comes around, then you got to kind of snuggle up to her, you see? Get a little bit cozy, and then you say...
 	Music cues up and Jimmy and Rowlf start into a duet of "She'll Never See Any Dog Like Me".
 	
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