Is Your Refrigerator Running

I watched Melody flip through the phone book.
”I’m still in disbelief that Yellow Pages still exists.” She said, her eyes not tearing from the book. “Who the hell is using this?”
”Us.” Norm responded.
”Yeah, but like, who else?” I asked.
”Probably people who wanna make prank calls.”
Melody stopped turning pages. “You’re just describing us again.”
Norm smiled. “Hey, it works.”
”Whatever. Anyway, I found some numbers.”
Melody pointed a bony finger at one number, singling it out from the sea of others.
”Our first victim is one Lucille Castle, also known as Principal Castle.”
I smiled. “Hell yeah!”
Norm scratched his chin. “Her first name’s Lucille?”
I swear, I could see the light leave Melody’s eyes when he asked that. She pinched her nose.
”You’ve been out of high school for, what, 3 years now? And you never learned the principal’s name?”
Norm threw his hands in the air. “I never really cared to!”
”How fucking STUPID are you?”
”I’m not the one who decided to do prank calls at the age of twenty!”
Every single time, man. They’re always arguing over something.
”Guys.” I put my hands on their shoulders. “Don’t make me kiss you two.”
Norm cringed and Melody rolled her eyes. Almost in unison, they gave me a stern “Shut up, Saraya.”, and everything went back to normal.
”Okay, so, first is Lucille Castle.” Melody made sure to emphasize the first name. Norm sighed. “Now remember, use *67 before you type her number. It’ll hide your caller ID.”
I smiled. “Can I start? I had a good plan for her.”
Melody handed me her phone. She had a sinister smile. “By all means, Saraya.”
I cleared my throat and inhaled. Norm and Melody stared at me, waiting for the funny. I entered in Principal Castle’s number, making sure to include the *67 at the beginning. As I hit the call button, I could feel a line of sweat beading across my forehead.
It rang.
It gave a second ring. I began to fear she wouldn’t pick up.
Then, miraculously, I heard a click, and then a voice.
”Hello?” Principal Castle said.
I could feel the panic setting in. I needed to speak fast, otherwise I’d back out.
”U-Uhh, this is Francine Fuckmeat with Milf Gangbang Network, and we were wanting to select you to be in our next video.”
I bit my lip and looked at my two best friends. Their eyes went wide. The full gravity of what I just said hit me. The line was silent. After the most painfully quiet five seconds of my life, I heard her voice again.
”What the fuck did you just say to me?” Principal Castle was pissed. There was no going back.
”Y-Yes, Lucille. We here at the Milf Gangbang Network would love to have you. You got an ass that won’t quit. At least, that’s what the other teachers say about you.”
Norm was biting his fist, struggling to not laugh. Melody was shaking her head and crying, battling laughter. I smiled, gaining confidence.
”Now, I’ll have you know, I’m a professional woman.”
I giggled. “And we’re a professional company. We love hags like you and we’d love to see you get your holes stretched like their names are Armstrong.”
Norm was hyperventilating, as was Melody. This was the most I’ve ever seen them emote.
”Who the hell do you think you are?!?” Principal Castle was screaming into her phone.
”We-W-“ I had to pull the phone away for a second to stifle a laugh. “We’re a normal porn company, ma’am. We make normal porn for normal people. Besides, wouldn’t you like some big bear with a big belly to pound you-“
She hung up.
”WHAT THE FUCK?!?” Norm screamed, before cackling like a hyena. He fell off Melody’s bed, a mess of tears and laughter.
Melody was clutching her belly as she laughed. “Fucking hell, Saraya! You traumatized the poor lady!”
”I just said the first thing that came to my mind! I’m sorry!”
”Don’t you EVER apologize for that!” Norm pushed himself up. “Holy shit, Saraya! Damn! How’d you even think of that?”
I giggled. “Remember in our sophomore year when Camden got suspended for looking up “how to seduce my principal” and “principal milf porn” on the school computer?”
Norm fell back down, laughing even harder. “Holy shit! I forgot about that!”
Melody breathed heavily, fighting back more laughter. Suddenly, the door shot open. Tommy, Melody’s twin brother, stood in the doorway.
God damnit. Fun’s over.
”What’s going on?” He asked.
Norm pushed himself up again, red in the face. “Saraya just asked Principal Castle to join the porn industry.”
Tommy looked at me. “What the hell’s your problem?”
“We’re doing prank calls, Thomas. It’s fun with friends. Or are you unfamiliar with the concept?”
Tommy made a mocking expression. “I know what a prank call is, bitch. Gimme that book. I’ll show you how to really prank someone.”
He pulled the phone book out of Melody’s hands and flipped through it.
”Aha! Here’s one. Watch and learn.”
Melody smiled. “Good luck, Tommy!”
He typed in the number, smirking as the phone dialed. Suddenly, there was a click.
”Hello? Who is this?” A gravelly voice said.
Tommy leaned into the phone and put on the scariest deep growl he could muster. “You pussy. I killed your wife. What are you going to do about it?”
I gotta say, for a “real prank”, I’m shocked by how unfunny it all is. Tommy’s big joke is that he killed someone’s wife?
”Okay Tommy, that’s not funny.” Melody said.
Tommy rolled his eyes, waiting for the man to speak again.
”It was you.” He said. “I knew I’d find you some day.”
The room went silent.
”Huh?” Tommy said, switching to his usual tone of voice.
”Don’t play dumb. You’ve finally felt guilt after two long years. But I’m not the forgiving type. No sir. Where was this guilt when you killed Vera?”
”Vera?” Tommy said. The rest of us were in shock. What the hell was going on?
The man scoffed. “You didn’t even know her name? You split her skull in half, pulled her spinal cord out of her back, and you didn’t even know her NAME?!?”
”Nonononono, you don’t understand! I was just prank calling people, and-“
The man hung up. We all stared at Tommy.
”Oh.” He said. I could feel my blood boil.
”Oh? OH?” I shouted.
”Relax, Saraya! Relax! That guy doesn’t know who we are! Tommy hid his caller ID, remember?”
Tommy made a face and began to shake. He was about to cry.
Dear god.
”Melody? How do you do that?” He whimpered.
”Do what?” Melody asked. Fear was setting in for her.
”H-Hide your caller ID…”
Melody fell to the ground. The gravity of the situation set in for her.
”Thomas. You’re my brother and I love you. But you’ve doomed us.”
Norm stood up. “Fuck this, I’m not dying tonight!”
He took off in a full blown sprint, crashing through the door. He got back up and wiped the blood off of his face. He looked to the end of the hallway, yelled, and ran back into Melody’s room.
”We’re dead. We’re so dead.”
I put my hand on Norm’s shoulder. “Norm?”
Loud footsteps made their way down the hall. Somehow, some way, the man was here. I clenched my hands together. I hoped that in my last moments, I wouldn’t feel pain. Norm was cowering behind Melody’s bed. Melody gave me a hug, thanking me for being her friend. Tommy just stood there, bewildered.
The footsteps stopped.
”YOU.”
I looked up from Melody’s shoulder to see a large man holding a machete in one hand, and had Tommy grasped by the hair in the other. He had slicked back gray hair and glasses.
Oh my god. I know him.
”Mr. Vanderbilt?” I said.
”Oh my god.” Mr. Vanderbilt muttered. “What’re you doing here, Saraya?”
My eyes were hot. “Mr. Vanderbilt, I’m so sorry. We were just doing prank calls, and Melody’s brother took things too far. I’m sorry to make you remember this. Dear god.”
”Y-Yeah! We didn’t mean to! Please let me go!” Tommy wailed.
”Saraya. I’m sorry you got wrapped up in this.” I watched him tighten his grip on Tommy. Melody hugged me tighter. “But this is no coincidence. That voice. That growl. I’ve only heard that growl once before.”
He pulled Tommy to make eye contact with him.
”When you killed my wife.”
My heart skipped a beat.
”Tommy?“ I asked. “What did you do?”
”Nothing! This guy is cra-AAAH!”
Blood dripped down Tommy’s face. Mr. Vanderbilt was ripping his scalp off.
”Tommy. Did you kill Mrs. Vanderbilt?” Melody said, loosening her grip. Her eyes were puffy.
”Melody…” Tommy looked at her.
”TELL THEM!” Mr. Vanderbilt roared. Norm screamed.
Tommy began to cry. “ALL RIGHT, I KILLED HER! I KILLED HER WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING!”
Melody looked at her brother with fear. Norm rose from behind the bed with a look of bewilderment.
”Tommy, why?” Melody cried. “Why did you do this?”
Tommy bit his lip and looked at me.
”I had the wrong address.”
I felt my heart sank. He wasn’t going for Mrs. Vanderbilt. This wasn’t just a random killing.
He was trying to kill me.
”That night, this brat came into my room. I got out of bed to take a piss. When you get to my age, that sort of thing happens. And while I’m in there, I hear this deep, gravelly voice yell out: ‘I’LL KILL YOU, SARAYA!’”
”Tommy!” I yelled. “What the fuck?!?”
”Oh, don’t act all high and mighty with me, bitch! All you do is come over and piss me off! You’re stealing my twin sister away from me! We used to be inseparable! And now, I barely see her!” Tommy cried crocodile tears. “I just want my sister back!”
”Well. That was touching, Tommy.” Mr. Vanderbilt said. “But that doesn’t bring my wife back.”
Before any of us could react, Mr. Vanderbilt brought the machete crashing down into Tommy’s eyes. The scream he let out was immense. Melody joined suit. Blood was pouring onto the carpet.
It was a scene from hell.
”TOMMY! OH GOD!” Melody yelled. Tears poured down her face.
As soon as the brutality started, it ended. Tommy’s body flopped to the ground, everything above his nose not included. Mr. Vanderbilt kept a tight grip on the scalp, letting the blood drip down before dropping it. Melody was a sobbing wreck. Norm was pale as a ghost.
”Saraya.” Mr. Vanderbilt said. “I’m sorry you had to see that. Tell your mother she can keep the pie tin.”
I watched him leave, as if nothing ever happened. I was in shock.
”M-Melody…”
She looked at me slowly.
”Get out of my house.”
Oh god.
”No, Melody, I’m sorry. Please just…”
”Because of you, my brother is dead. Because of you! He was right! You took me from him! YOU TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!”
Norm stepped in. “Hey! You can’t blame Saraya!”
Melody slapped Norm. Her face warped with hate.
”GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
I looked at my best friend, the one who kept me company throughout my whole school life, searching for a semblance of love for me.
There wasn’t any.
”Okay.” I whispered. I stood up, stepping over Tommy’s body. I could hear Norm following behind me. As we left, Melody began to scream.
It was the last I’d ever see of her.
Returning home, I saw the police invading Mr. Vanderbilt’s home. They took him away in handcuffs, his grin never ceasing.
He had every right to smile.
He’s the only one who now had everything he wanted.
Category:NSFW
Category:Dismemberment
Category:Weird