Episode 302: Leo Sayer/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 302: Leo Sayer.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Leo Sayer! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sayer!
Leo 	Thank you, Scooter. (to viewer) You know, I don't really believe this is The Muppet Show. It's so quiet in here, you can almost hear a pin drop.
 	Bowling pins and balls rain from the sky. Two monsters pass by with bowling balls, laughing.
 	
Luncheon Counter Monster	Strike!
Leo 	(to viewer) Now, I believe it's The Muppet Show.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Leo Sayer! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Come back here, Statler. If I have to stay and watch this, so do you.
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, white sparks fly out.
Gonzo 	My teeth!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're very excited about tonight's guest star because it's not very often that we have any really good rock on the show.
 	
Rock 	Yeah! We rocks are pretty upset by it.
Kermit 	Uh, I suppose that's true. I guess we've been taking you for granite. (chuckles)
 	The rock hits him on the flipper.
Kermit 	Just my luck, a rock with no sense of humor. Get out of here.
 	He sends the rock rolling off-stage.
Kermit 	OK, as I was tying to say, here is one of the truly great stars of rock music, the delightful Mr. Leo Sayer, who makes us feel like dancing.
 	
 	Leo dances with Fletcher Bird and several other Bird Dancers as he sings "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing."
Statler	There's something about him reminds me of me when I was young.
Waldorf	What is it?
Statler	Well, mainly his age.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through intercom) OK, strike that set. Set up the next number.
Miss Piggy	Uh, Kermie.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy	May I ask you, uh, what is this "Carbon Paper" number coming up next?
Kermit 	Oh, oh yeah. That's the song that uh, Annie Sue is doing. Uh, you know, she's a girl singer.
Miss Piggy	(pause) Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see, I see.
Kermit 	Yeah, yeah, but, but she's not at all like you, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Well, of course not, Kermie. You said she was a girl singer. I am a woman singer.
Kermit 	Yeah, yeah. That is true.
 	
Miss Piggy	So, uh, what is, uh... what is she, a chicken? A, what, a goat? She's not a frog, is she?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, she's a... well, she's a... she's a... a pig.
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	She's a pig.
Miss Piggy	ANOTHER GIRL PIG SINGER?!?
Kermit 	Yeah, but uh, but you're a woman.
Miss Piggy	Forget that! Who cares?
Kermit 	Yeah, but like, like I say, she's nothing like you. I mean, uh, she's, she's very young...
Miss Piggy	WHAT?!?
 	She storms off. He follows her.
Kermit 	She — she's just a kid. Uh, she's very inexperienced. Uh, she's just learning the business, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. I have some things to do.
 	She goes upstairs. Annie Sue enters, dressed for the next number.
Annie Sue 	Hello, sir. Do I look all right?
Kermit 	Oh, Annie Sue, you look wonderful.
 	
Annie Sue 	Oh, good.
Kermit 	Oh, Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Uh, would you like to say hello to Annie Sue?
Miss Piggy	Oh. Heh. Hello, Annabel.
Annie Sue 	Miss Piggy! How do you do, ma'am?
Miss Piggy	Yes, if you'll both excuse me.
 	She shuts the door of her dressing room.
Kermit 	Yeah, she had some things to do.
 	Loud crashes are heard from inside her dressing room, along with Piggy screaming.
Kermit 	It sounds like she's doing them now. Uh, I think I better go introduce you.
Annie Sue 	Oh, sure.
 	The screaming continues.
=="Carbon Paper"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, here to entertain you, the Muppets' delightful little lady of song...
 	He hears the noises and screaming coming from the dressing room.
Kermit 	Uh, that is, one of the Muppets' delightful ladies of song, uh, Miss Annie Sue.
 	
Annie Sue	
You put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of your love.
Each dove and pigeon'll
Know who got the original.
Darling, can't you see
What you mean to me?
Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks and nudges.
The love that you gave me was a duplicate with smudges.
Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy — Here we go, everybody!
 	She does a solo tap dance.
Annie Sue	
Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks and nudges.
The love that you gave me was a duplicate with smudges.
Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of — (brief tap dance)
Gave me just a second sheet of love!
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	Terrific! I love her.
Statler 	Well, that little bundle of talent's the only thing that'll keep this show going.
Waldorf 	Shall we shoot her now before she ruins everything?
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Hey, that was terrific, Annie Sue.
 	
Annie Sue 	Oh, thank you, sir. I was so nervous.
Kermit 	Oh, you were wonderful. The audience loved you. You were a smash.
Annie Sue 	Oh, thank you, sir!
 	She gives him a kiss, then passes by Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Speaking of smash …
Kermit 	Uh, Miss Piggy …
Miss Piggy	Yeah?
Kermit 	Uh, you know that dramatic recitation you've always wanted to do?
Miss Piggy	Of course.
Kermit 	Uh, well, I want you to do it now.
 	
Miss Piggy	Really?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm. I had the stage all set up out there for you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit! I'll... which side did she kiss you on?
Kermit 	Uh, this one over here.
 	She kisses him on the other side, then goes onstage. He frowns.
=="The Daffodils"==
 	The stage is decorated with daffodils. Piggy enters and reacts to the scenery - and the applause.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, Kermie, it's beautiful.
 	She notices Rowlf on the piano at the top.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh. Ahem. The Daffodils, by William Wordsworth.
 	Rowlf plays as she recites.
Miss Piggy	
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
(sneezes) Ahem. Excuse me.
When all at once I saw a crowd — 
A host of golden daffodils.
Rowlf 	(sneezes) Sorry.
Miss Piggy	Ahem.
Beside the lake... (sneezes)
Ahem. Beside the tree...
 	She sneezes some more, ultimately sending Rowlf and the piano reeling off-stage.
Miss Piggy	Uh, please excuse me, it's the flow... (sneezes)
 	The rest of the audience sneezes right back at her, sending her reeling backward. She rushes backstage, where Rowlf looks at his broken piano in disbelief.
Miss Piggy	Kermit! … All right, where is El Slimo? Who put the sneezing powder in the flowers?
 	She sees Kermit.
 	
Miss Piggy	And what do you have to say for yourself?
Kermit 	(sneezes)
=="The Show Must Go On"==
	
	Leo, with Animal on drums and Bobby Benson on banjo, sings "The Show Must Go On." During the instrumental break, a clone of Leo comes out and does a mime juggling act.
==UK spot==
	
	Gonzo sings "She Was One of the Early Birds" to a Canary sitting onstage. He is joined by a group of other birds who, when Gonzo refers to himself as "one of the worms," begin to peck at him.
==Dressing room==
 	Leo combs his hair. Dr. Teeth approaches.
Dr. Teeth	Heyyyy, Leo!
Leo 	Hey, Dr. Teeth!
 	They slap each other ten.
Dr. Teeth	Ha ha! Hey, That last number was terrific.
Leo 	Oh, thank you, Dr. Teeth. But you know, it sounded good, but it wasn't quite the arrangement I sent in, y'know.
Dr. Teeth	Oh, yeah, well, your arrangements came yesterday. Animal had 'em for lunch.
Leo 	He ate my arrangements?
Dr. Teeth	Well, he certainly couldn't read 'em. When Animal gets anything, he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative.
Leo 	Interesting. Anyway, it sounded good. Y'know, I'd really like to meet Animal.
Dr. Teeth	Hey, you want to meet Animal? That's no problem. one thing, though.
Leo 	What's that?
Dr. Teeth	See that line down there on the floor?
Leo 	This — this line?
Dr. Teeth	Yeah, stand behind that line.
Leo 	Stand behind it?
Dr. Teeth	Yeah. That's perfect. Hey, Animal! Come on in here, Animal!
Animal 	Coming!
 	The sound of a rattling chain is heard as Animal makes his way over.
Leo 	Dr. Teeth, why do I have to stand behind the line?
Dr. Teeth	'Cause that's how far his chain reaches.
Leo 	Oh. (nods)
Animal 	Leo Sayer!
Leo 	Aah! It's Animal!
 	Animal runs in the room, but falls down when he reaches the end of his chain.
 	
Animal 	Hah! Hah! Hah! Leo!
==Annie Sue meets Piggy==
 	Piggy brushes her hair, humming. Someone knocks on the door.
Miss Piggy	Entrez.
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy. Annie Sue is outside.
Miss Piggy	Good. She can stay there.
Kermit 	Aw. Listen, listen, Miss Piggy, she just has something to say to you. Why don't you be nice to her for my sake, 'kay?
Miss Piggy	[sigh] All right, Kermie, I shall be nice to her. But just pour vous.
Kermit 	Aw, thank you.
Miss Piggy	Send in the little twerp.
 	Kermit gives her a blank look.
Miss Piggy	I'll be nice.
Kermit 	OK.
Annie Sue 	Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy	All right.
 	
Annie Sue 	Oh, I can't believe it. Here I am, face to face with a real superstar. I can actually reach out and touch you.
Miss Piggy	[growls]
Annie Sue 	But I won't.
Miss Piggy	Good.
Annie Sue 	I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby. Oh!
 	She admires Piggy's wardrobe.
Annie Sue 	It was so nice of you to open your door to me.
Miss Piggy	Well, ahem, we must do it again sometime, my dear.
Annie Sue 	Oh, when?
 	Piggy leads her to the door.
Miss Piggy	Well, right now. Do drop in again sometime.
 	She slams the door. The star falls off of it.
Miss Piggy	And put the star back on the door!
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	OK, moving right along, we bring you a few slick tricks with our resident hick, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's theme plays.
Fozzie 	Aaahhhh! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Love you! Mwah! Love you! Dah … nothing. OK. Uh… with the help of my lovely assistant, Miss Annie Sue Pig...
 	She comes out to applause.
Fozzie 	Oh, sure, now, yeah. Uh, I will astonish you all, with, uh... Oh, I forgot what I was gonna do. Oh, yes! A memory act! Aah-ha! How can I forget? Yes, with the help of my lovely assistant, Annie... Annie... Oh, help. Annie Thing-Pig here, yes, I shall now demonstrate my remarkable, nay, photographic memory.
Waldorf 	Hey, what's a photographic memory?
Statler 	In your case, a memory that needs developing.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Uh, yeah. Now I shall now ask, uh, Annie... Hoo-Hah Pig here, uh, to close her eyes and then I shall describe what she is wearing. No! Uh, I… I… No, she will — I will close my eyes and then, uh, she will des— I will describe what she is... Uh, no, wait…
Waldorf 	How about we close our eyes and catch some well-earned sleep?
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	No, no, no, no, I got it, listen. Listen. Uh, Miss... Miss, uh... Thing-Annie-Thing-Thing here... Yes, yes. Uh, she will describe what somebody here is wearing — yeah, and with my eyes shut, I will remember where that person is sitting. Uh, drumroll!
 	A drumroll plays. He shuts his eyes.
Fozzie 	OK, do it.
Annie Sue	OK, the mystery person is wearing … a little brown hat...
Fozzie 	Yep.
Annie Sue	... a white bowtie...
Fozzie 	Yep.
Annie Sue	... with red polka dots.
Fozzie 	Yep. Uh... Well, so, is that all he's wearing? Come on.
Annie Sue	Yeah.
Fozzie 	That's ridiculous. I mean, that — that means apart from a hat and a tie, he's bare.
Annie Sue	That's right!
Fozzie 	It is?
Annie Sue	It's you!
 	
Fozzie 	It's me? Of course it's me! Oh, yes, thank you! Yes, yes. Thank you.
 	Applause. The curtain closes.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) OK, standby for Leo's last number.
Fozzie 	Oh, Kermit, I am so embarrassed. I forgot everything out there.
Kermit 	Oh, don't worry, Fozzie. They loved her.
Fozzie 	Who?
Kermit 	Your assistant, Annie Sue.
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah. I forgot. See? See, it's getting worse. (frets)
Annie Sue 	They seemed to like it.
Kermit 	Oh, you were wonderful, Annie Sue.
 	Piggy watches them from upstairs.
Annie Sue 	Oh, thank you, Kermit, sir, but I really didn't do that much.
Kermit 	Oh, well, you just saved Fozzie's act, that's all.
Annie Sue 	Really?
Kermit 	Sure.
 	
 	He kisses her on the cheek. Piggy gasps.
Annie Sue 	Aww! (exits)
Kermit 	Beats saying that that bear was in a lot of trouble.
Miss Piggy	Yeah? Well, now, it's the frog's turn! Hi-YAH!
 	
 	Piggy leaps from upstairs and lands on Kermit. They both get up, and she gives him a karate chop which sends him flying on-stage.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
=="When I Need You"==
 	Kermit lands on stage and gets up.
Kermit	(meekly) And now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Mr. Leo Sayer.
 	
 	Leo performs "When I Need You" from a tree while being menaced by a bear below him. The bear eventually arranges to have Crazy Harry blow up the tree, knocking it down to his level. He and other Woodland Animals join Leo in finishing the song.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, guys, we started at the beginning and we've come to the end. So right now, let us have a warm thank you to Mr. Leo Sayer! Yaaaaay!
 	Applause. Leo comes out.
Kermit 	I loved it!
Leo 	Thanks, Kermit. It was just wonderful.
 	Piggy comes out and throws herself upon Leo.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Leo, Leo, I just want you to know...
Leo 	Yeah, excuse me, uh, pig.
Miss Piggy	(cont'd) I think you're a wonderful singer, and I think — Leo?
 	
Leo 	Ah, Annie Sue! Hey, you were wonderful, honey. You know, you're really gonna be a big showbiz star. I really feel it.
Annie Sue 	Oh, thanks, Mr. Sayer.
Miss Piggy	Annabel, Annabel, take a bow. (she does so) Good. Now just stand over there, where you won't get hurt.
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	That was an amazing mess of mediocre mediocrity.
Statler 	You can say that again.
Waldorf 	Wanna bet?
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts