Open Heart Surgery/Transcript

This is the transcript for Open Heart Surgery, which aired on January 21, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Do you two need another minute? No.
No.
No, no, no.
Uh, I-I was folding laundry, and your panties underwear lady garment was just mixed in.
But you know what, I'll wash it later.
No, that's creepy.
I have a matching bra if you want to put on a pervy puppet show.
So, uh, where you been? I had a doctor's appointment.
- What, like a kidney appointment? - Yeah.
Well, it wasn't on the schedule.
What's the point of having a shared calendar if you're not gonna use it? - You can't put it in now.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Okay, so, how'd it go? What'd he say? Or she.
Unconscious gender bias.
I'm woke.
Yep, nothing says woke like having to announce it.
She did a full blood panel, and I stole this tube of goo when she wasn't looking.
I don't even know what it does, but I'm gonna try it when my eyes are puffy.
And she said? Oh, everything's good.
We scheduled my psych evaluation for Thursday.
Really? That's huge.
- What time? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
What's the point of a shared calendar, Drew, if we're not gonna use it? So, why do I even need a psych evaluation? Well, it was all explained in the pamphlet.
Oh, come on, it's, like, three pages, and it's mainly pictures; you can do this.
I'm giving a kidney.
Nobody said there was gonna be reading.
Look, Gina, it's a pretty big deal.
If they don't think you're mentally sound, they could prevent you from donating.
Well, I got out of jury duty by convincing them I was mentally unsound, so I'm sure I can do the opposite.
Gina, please promise me you'll take this seriously.
We only get one shot.
And you should always go to jury duty.
It's your civic responsibility.
Plus, it's fun.
Why are you so worried? You think they're gonna say I'm crazy.
Ooh, maybe I'm gonna change their minds.
Maybe they'll be like, "Ooh, we kinda love kidneys when they come from nutty bitches.
" You know, uh, maybe don't use the term "nutty bitches" at the evaluation.
Describe yourself more as spontaneous.
Eccentric.
You are unabashedly yourself.
Mm, I sound like a perfume.
[SULTRY VOICE.]
: Gina unabashedly herself.
Shh.
Oh, oh, yes.
No.
I can't.
Shh.
That's good, get all the voices in your head out now.
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive So, I have some good news.
Oh, did they discover a new shade of brown? This isn't brown.
It's burnt sienna.
Well, you should definitely burn it.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Very funny, Gideon.
Anyone else want to have a crack at Drew? Okay, come on.
Tell us your good news.
Gina has just been scheduled for her psych evaluation.
ELI: Congratulations.
You're one step closer to your surgery.
If she passes.
Jerry.
When she passes.
Which seems unlikely.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to get his hopes up.
That's how people get their feelings hurt.
Oh, don't be bitter.
The other dentist had a higher rating on Yelp.
DREW: Look, I know that Gina is a bit of a risk.
But she's the only kidney I got.
She'll do fine.
- Thank you.
- Assuming she's not drunk.
Or high.
Or in jail.
Or offering her kidney to some other guy.
Or driving a car into a swimming pool - Not helping.
- Yeah, I-I know.
I wasn't trying to.
GIDEON: You're a shrink.
Can't you get a copy of the eval and coach her through it? Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.
That would be cheating.
Grow a pair, Bambi.
It's time to come out of the forest.
ELI: Yeah, it's only cheating if you get caught.
One time, I was going for a fumble, and I bit a guy.
He lost a fingertip.
I got a ring.
When I go to McDonald's, I get the cup for free water, but then I fill it with Sprite, because it's the same color.
Well, I do have a colleague who might be able to slip me a copy of the questions.
And Bambi goes to the dark side.
You know, if you think about it, I'm helping her.
I'm setting her up for success.
It would be irresponsible if I didn't do it.
That's right.
Do whatever it takes to get that kidney.
Bite that finger.
Hell, I'll do it.
I miss it.
I don't even like Sprite.
I do it for the thrill.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Guten Tag, Herr Dunbar.
I'm sorry, what? I'm gonna start exporting my beer to [ACCENTED.]
: Germany.
Okay.
Do you have an export license? Uh, I made these labels.
I'm sure I can make a license.
"Gina Von Hoschler's Artisanal Pillsner.
" You know there's only one "L" in "pilsner," right? They want to drink, not read.
Beer is like water in Germany.
And they only have to be 14 to drink.
Ka-ching.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, your day is about to get even better, because I got you a present.
Oh, my God! I love presents.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm gonna close my eyes.
No, I can't.
- I'm too excited.
- [CHUCKLING.]
I got you a copy of the psych evaluation.
My birthday's coming up.
You can skip it.
Oh, come on.
I thought you would love this.
We're cheating.
I'm not supposed to have these questions.
"Oh, no, you didn't, Drew.
" Oh, yes, I did.
'Cause that's how we do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Could you just don't? Please? [SIGHS.]
Fine, but you owe me.
Okay, first question.
Why are you donating your kidney? Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
because Drew Dunbar is a kind person, a great therapist and a loving father, and it would be an honor to keep him on the planet.
Wow.
Nice.
Heartfelt and true.
You're crushing it.
All right, number two.
Do you have a history of drug or alcohol Oh, crap.
Like many Americans, I have indulged.
But over the past few months, I've learned what it's like to be more present and more focused in my own life.
It's given me a new perspective on [EXHALES.]
you know, what's important.
I plan on continuing, even after the surgery.
Wow.
Really? Oh, my God, no! But you bought it.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Hang on.
"Whatever you do, do not look at Instagram.
" Okay, thanks, Gabby.
Now I have to look at Instagram.
Well, hey, you know what's not on Instagram? A picture of you passing this psych evaluation.
Oh, no.
- What? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
[EXHALES.]
Do you think this woman is pretty? Oh, my.
She's wunderbar.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GROANS LOUDLY.]
What was that for? - I need a stiff drink! - No! No, no, Gina, I don't think you're supposed to be drinking Shut up! I'm drinking stiff water.
[GROANS.]
Water sucks.
All right, who is this disgusting troll of a woman who's got you so upset? [EXHALES.]
She's dating this guy, Darrin, who I was with for, like, four years.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, you know what, it is totally normal for you to still have feelings about your ex, especially when you find out they're dating someone new.
And someone so beautiful.
Ha-ha-ha.
Beautiful on the outside, not on the inside, like you.
Please stop hitting me.
Oh, they went to Cabo.
We always talked about going to Cabo.
Okay, look, uh, Gina, maybe we should reschedule the psych evaluation.
[SNIFFLES.]
What? Why? I'm totally fine.
[CHUCKLING CRAZEDLY.]
Well, I'm here if you need anything! [SHATTERING.]
I need a new lamp! Next stop, cardiology! Fixer of broken hearts.
[SIGHS.]
You want to talk about it? Not really.
Ugh.
When I heard about him and this girl, I got a searing white-hot pain in my stomach.
Could be acid reflux.
It's not reflux.
She's got emotions.
I just wish I wasn't feeling anything.
When you get to be my age, you won't feel your feet.
Shh! So, you haven't talked to this, uh What's his name? - Darrin.
- Darrin in two years, then you see one picture of him and you turn into a girl.
- I am a girl.
- You are not.
- I am! - Well, stop it! Don't give this putz any power.
You know, older guys are much more reliable.
Take a nap.
Listen, you're a strong, independent, beautiful young woman.
You don't need Darrin or any man to complete you.
- I know.
- You better.
Because if I hear you start talking weak again, I'm gonna start slapping heads.
Thank you, Norma.
I love you, kiddo.
[SHUDDERING SIGH.]
If I'm gonna make this turn up here, I'm gonna need this hand back.
Hey there.
Um, I'm Drew Dunbar.
This is Gina Dabrowski.
She's my donor.
She's here for her psych evaluation.
Not that she needs it.
So if the doctor has a rubber stamp that says "sane" on it, we can just plop it right on her forehead and be out of here.
- Does he always talk for you? - Uh Oh, no.
I'm not really talking for her so much as I'm - Sit down.
- Mm-hmm.
- [EXHALES.]
- Hey.
You need to chill.
You want a Xanax, Valium? Maybe a Percocet? No.
Why do you have those? The real question is, why don't you? Maybe no drugs in front of the therapist.
And please don't do your crazy laugh.
I don't have a crazy laugh.
[IMITATES LAUGH.]
That doesn't sound crazy to you? It sounds like you could be stroking a cat and talking about world domination.
Oh, my God, no.
What? Darrin proposed to that girl.
- Aw - [SOBS QUIETLY.]
Of course he did.
Come on, Darrin.
Who proposes at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Thursday? I can't breathe.
Yes, you can.
Look, they were on the beach and he spread rose petals on the sand.
Oh Uh, I think I accidentally liked it.
- Drew! - Maybe it'll look like you're taking the high road.
God, I can't believe this.
I ju I wa I want to kill myself.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
No, she doesn't.
She's joking.
She's just goofing around.
Hey, listen to me.
Okay? Look, you didn't want something, and now that you see someone else have it, you do.
But you don't really.
You're fine just the way you are.
Right? Tell me you're good just the way you are.
Gina, tell me! I really need this kidney.
Just shush! Shush it! Okay? - Where's my Xanax? - No.
Again, just joking.
No, no drugs here.
- Get out of there.
Get out of there.
- Gina Dabrowski? - No.
- Here.
Look, um I don't think today's a good day for this.
And I'm only speaking for her because she's sick.
Physically sick.
I'm fine.
Are you? [SIGHS.]
I got this.
She does.
She does got this.
So, uh, Paula, um, I have a question.
Would you ever consider donating a kidney? So this thing kind of like the SAT? You get a bad score, you can take it again? It's okay, you can talk to me.
I, too, am a licensed psychologist.
I'm "in the biz.
" Well, as someone "in the biz," you know I can't disclose that information.
Of course.
I admire your integrity.
You passed the test! [CHUCKLES.]
- Please get away from the door.
- Oh, yeah.
Um Are you sure they're in there? It's just very quiet.
Maybe you should wait outside.
Good idea.
I'll go for a walk.
- Other door.
- Well done, Paula.
Consummate professional.
Marvelous.
Marvelous, Paula! Are you nervous about the operation? I guess a little bit.
But when I think about saving Drew's life, it seems like such a small thing to do.
He's a really great guy.
How long have you known him? Well, we met in high school, but to be honest, we weren't that close.
We got together at a friend's wedding Well, not "got together.
" I did "get together" with one of the groomsmen.
He hasn't called.
But that's for a different therapy session.
Anyway, that's how Drew and I reconnected.
Is that him? Yeah.
Hey.
Just drive.
You betcha.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, uh, want to listen to some music? Pop.
Rock.
Country.
Just kidding.
Unless you like country.
Well, in that case, howdy, partner.
You act like I'm the unstable one, and you were hiding behind the bushes.
I was worried about you.
Oh, stop.
You don't care about me.
All you care about is getting your kidney.
- That's not true.
- Oh, come on, Drew.
If you didn't need something from me, you wouldn't have anything to do with me.
Is that really what you think? It's fine.
By the way, you're getting my kidney.
- What? - I passed the psych test.
She doesn't think I'm crazy, but you didn't come off so good.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I was afraid you were gonna spin out about your old boyfriend.
He wasn't just my boyfriend.
He I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
That's fine.
If and when you do, I'm here.
I do not want to talk about it.
That's okay, Gina.
[SIGHS.]
He was my fiancÃ©.
Oh.
He proposed to me onstage during one of his concerts.
It was super romantic.
I think.
We were both totally hammered.
So why didn't you end up getting married? I got scared.
He was on tour a lot, so I wasn't sure I could trust him.
The truth is, I wasn't sure I could trust myself.
So the next time he came home, I was I was gone.
He called, he texted, he e-mailed.
And, uh I ghosted him.
I really am a train wreck.
No, come on.
You're not a train wreck.
Maybe a car wreck.
And then and then the car slams into the back of a truck.
And then the truck gets pushed in front of a train.
But that's an indirect train wreck, at best.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Can we go home? - No.
You need to have some fun.
I'm not doing jury duty, Drew.
Come on, that's my happy place.
What's yours? - This is it? - You bet.
Ooh, scrunchies, three for five dollars.
It's like Christmas knocked up my birthday and this place was born.
What do you think? Gold or goth black? You're asking me to play God? I say get 'em both.
Attaboy, God.
Hey, thank you for doing this.
Tonight's your night.
I just want to be here for my friend.
That was so lame.
And I love you for it.
Well, at the risk of sounding even lamer You cannot get lamer.
Just because your last relationship didn't work out doesn't mean your next one won't.
You say that while you're going through a divorce? Yeah, well, I wouldn't trade the early days with Julia for anything.
The later days, I would trade and watch them burn in a dumpster fire.
Yeah, I just don't think that I am built for commitment.
Oh, come on.
Sure you are.
You're giving me a kidney.
Just be as fearless as you are with everything else.
You think I'm fearless? I'm jealous of how fearless you are.
Really? - You want to steal something? - [CHUCKLES.]
What? No.
- Come on.
Be fearless.
- Okay, you are crazy.
Just a comb.
Maybe a tube of ChapStick.
Gina I'm not stealing anything.
Too late.
I already hid something somewhere on your body.
You're kidding, right? Gina? Gina, I'm a father.
I can't go to jail.
Oh, God, the cameras.
The cameras.
I just never took Gina for someone who'd let a guy affect her like that.
It's because she's weak.
In love, you're either the cockroach or the boot.
GIDEON: I don't know, doesn't everyone have an ex they're still hung up on? I know I'll never completely get over Julia.
Although I am considering unfollowing her on Instagram.
Yeah, we all have that one that got away, that makes you crazy every time you think of them.
Who's your person? Oh, I'm sorry.
I am that person.
I'm hiding from three ladies right now.
What can I say? Ladies love the chocolate.
Yeah.
Not so much vanilla.
Gideon? What about you? Kevin Snyder.
Love of my life.
If I ever see him again And I hope I do I will bash him with a shovel! Samantha? Oh, I don't think so.
We told you ours.
Come on, we're bonding.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, I went to Singapore for a friend's wedding and I met this guy.
And he was amazing.
And we fell totally in love.
But then I discovered that he was from this really wealthy family that would never, ever accept me.
Oh Wait.
Isn't that the plot to Crazy Rich Asians? Yup.
Think I'd tell the truth and show weakness like you cockroaches? Does anybody want any gum? - I'll take a piece.
- I stole this, by the way.
That's right.
Little Bambi is a cheater and a shoplifter.
[GERMAN ACCENT.]
: So remember, Gina Von Hoschler's Artisanal Pilsner.
Ist das nicht ein tasty bier? Ja, das ist ein tasty bier! Excuse me, FrÃ¤ulein? Where can I find a Bavarian beer for my brother who has just reached the age of 14? Just click on das link below.
We ship overnight.
[REGULAR VOICE.]
: Overnight shipping not guaranteed.
Now that's what I call wunderbar! Octoberfest! [LAUGHS.]
I love this kid.
The beer, not so much.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1 Transcripts