The War of the Bucket/Transcript

The Narrator: Hey, you! Yeah, you! New merch available now, including a supremely uncool T-shirt and a glorious new character pin. Link in the description down below.
(angelic harp music)
A Cardinal: Alright, folks. Gather around. I've got some good news and some bad news.
An unspecified character: Did you say good news and glad news?
The Cardinal: No. I said good news and bad news, very bad news. Word on the street is there's gonna be a horrible plague coming in from Central Asia in the next couple decades that'll wipe out half of Europe.
An unspecified character: What's the good news? Do you have a cure? Please say you have a cure!
The Cardinal: No. Even better. The good news is we've got a new bucket for the city well."
(crickets chirping)
(crowd cheering)
(joyful music)
(loud boom)
The Narrator: To understand the War of the Bucket, we first need to talk about this guy. He's the man with the plan, the host with the most. He's holy, lowly, he eats ravioli with the white cassock, matching pellegrina, and the most tasteful of fringed fascias. Come on. Y'all know who I'm talking about: it's the Pope, the head of the largest religious organization in the world, but what if I told you he wasn't always the big, bad-boy powerhouse he's often thought as today? That's right. Throughout history, the papacy often found itself forced to wrestle against adversity and opposition to retain its authority. The earliest popes, for example, suffered under the brutal persecution of the Roman Empire, and many ended up martyred, such as Pope Clement I, who was ostensibly thrown into the sea with an anchor around his neck. On the bright side, however, he's now the patron saint of fishermen. After persecution finally ended, the Pope still found himself being heavily controlled by secular kings and nobility. For over two centuries, the Byzantine Emperor basically decided who could become Pope. Then came a real low point, during what has been cold in the Dark Age, a period where noblewomen controlled the Pope through... how should I put this? Feminine charm. (whistles) It was around here that one infamous Pope, John XII, took office. This bad boy would hold... how should I put this? Naughty no-clothes parties in the Lateran Palace. And, apparently, this would even happen:
John XII: C'moooon, Zeus! Give me a six!
(dice rattling)
(gasps)
John XII: Uh, did I say Zeus? I meant Thor.
(gasps)
John XII: Ra, the Egyptian sun god?
(gasps)
John XII: Dang it! Who is it we worship?
A Cardinal: Perhaps you should read , Your Holiness.
John XII: (Reading the Bible) In the beginning, God created the heavens AND the earth?! Wow! This is WILD!
The Narrator: Pope John XII eventually died exactly how he lived: (door bangs) caught in the act by an irate husband who picked the pope up and took him out the window.
(explosion)
The Narrator: The point I'm trying to make here is that often the Pope was a very weak and corruptible figure and was regularly used and controlled by secular leaders as a tool to increase their own power and influence, and there was certainly an element of that in the year 800, when the Pope and the Kingdom of the Franks were good BFFs, and king of the Franks, Charlemagne, was like,
Charlemagne: Hey, man. Being King of the Franks is nice and all, but I want more legitimacy, and also to become the continuation of the Roman Empire. So what say [sic] in return for my protection, you crown me emperor so everyone will respect me more?
Pope (Leo III): Sure thing, pal. We'll hold the ceremony tomorrow.
The next day...
Pope (Leo III): Charlemagne, King of the Franks, I hereby crown you Emperor of the West.
Charlemagne: Oh! Oh my goodness! I was not expecting this at all. What a surprise! I simply cannot accept.
Pope (Leo III): Oh, okay then. I guess I'll just put this back over here.
Charlemagne: Give me that crown!
The Narrator: Charlemagne's crowning as Emperor was certainly a historic moment, but it also created a bit of an interesting problem: it set the precedent that, from here on out, only the Pope could crown an emperor, but the Pope was also very much under the influence and control of Charlemagne, so who really held the power here: The Pope or the Emperor? I'm sure that this conflict won't cause anyone... to die! (dramatic music)
The Cardinal from the beginning of the video: Bishop of Freising, we want to thank you once again for visiting our wonderful city. It's been an honor!
Bishop of Freising: The pleasure is all mine, and what a wonderful tour it's been. I've seen the city walls; I've seen the towers; nothing could top that.
The Cardinal: Oh, couldn't it? Because we've saved the best for last! TADAAA! (The Cardinal reveals the Bucket)
Bishop of Freising: (In disappointment) Oh. (Pause) Yes, that's... very interesting.
The Cardinal: (In an exciting tone) Isn't it the greatest thing you've ever seen?
Bishop of Freising: Well, I mean, it is just a bucket.
(Everyone is angry)
An unspecified character from the crowd: Get... him... OUTTA HERE!"
(crowd jeering)
(vegetables splatting)
The Narrator: Over time, Charlemagne's position as emperor and the Kingdom of the Franks gradually evolved into the Holy Roman Empire, and by now, the Pope and the Emperor weren't such good friends anymore, since neither could agree on who was the boss of who. To make matters worse, the Emperor had taken to "investing" his own bishops and abbots. What does that mean? Well, allow me to explain. The problem for the Holy Roman Emperor was his "empire" wasn't really an empire, so much as a nightmarish federation made up of hundreds of counties, duchies, bishoprics, and more. The princes in charge of these local regions often didn't give the Emperor their loyalty. The German nobility spent a lot of their time rebelling against the Emperor, and the Emperor spent a lot of his time trying to put down those rebellions.
Holy Roman Emperor: Can we get rid of them?
Unspecified character: Who?
Holy Roman Emperor: All the nobility. Get rid of them in pick new ones who are loyal to me.
Unspecified character: You can't just remove noble families from their territory.
Holy Roman Emperor: Pweeeeeeeeeese?
Unspecified character: Awww, okay. How about this? Some of those territories are ruled by bishops and abbots, and as Holy Roman Emperor (considered by many to be the deputy of Jesus Christ himself), perhaps you CAN choose who gets to become bishop and abbot.
Holy Roman Emperor: Yay!
Unspecified character: Now it's time to turn out the lights and go to sleep.
Holy Roman Emperor: Okay. I love you.
Unspecified character: Um... okay. Goodnight.
(Silence)
Holy Roman Emperor: (Angrily) Say it back!
The Narrator: And so it was: The Emperor invested his own family and loyal followers into powerful church positions and thereby was able to increase his own power and authority. Not only that, but the Emperor and other nobility were also engaging in something called "simony." That's when someone would come along and say,
Bidder: Hey, I wannna become a bishop and get all the personal riches that come with the position. Perhaps we could come to some kind of... (throws money onto the Holy Roman Emperor) arrangement.
The Narrator: That's right. Church positions were actually being sold to the highest bidder, and let me tell you: they probably didn't come cheap.
Holy Roman Emperor: It's gonna cost you a lot more than this.
Bidder: I don't think so. I've got a PROMO CODE!"
The Narrator: And speaking of promo codes, do you like free money? I know I do. I really like it. (cash register ringing) And that's why I use Honey. Honey is a free browser extension that automatically finds the best promo codes whenever you shop online, for free! This means you always get the best deals without even trying, on over 20,000 sites, like Amazon, eBay, Asos and more. For example, here I am buying seven pizzas after a long day of animating. It's currently costing me $130. Oh, hello, Honey. You have a voucher for me, you say? All I have to do is click, you say? Nice! I saved $31.78, and all I did was click. There is absolutely no reason not to use Honey for everything you buy online. It's free and literally takes two clicks to install. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com/oversimplified. That's joinhoney.com/oversimplified. And as always, by using my links, you'll be supporting my channel, so thank you.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. Investing bishops and abbots, selling Church positions, authority and power.
Pope: Waaait a minute! This is depravity! The purpose of the church isn't for him to increase his own authority in power. It's for ME to increase MY own authority and power!
A Cardinal: What about Jesus, Your Holiness?
Pope: What?
Cardinal: I thought the purpose of the church was to spread the good message of Jesus Christ.
(Silence)
Pope: (Angrily) How drunk are you?
Cardinal: VERY!!!
The cardinal from the beginning of the video: Alright, the results for the election of chief magistrate are in. Giovanni Kablami, 1%. Spaghetti Jeff, 2%. And the Bucket, ONE TRILLION PERCENT!!
(cheering)
(joyful music)
The Narrator: Around the year 1050, a series of reformist popes came along and they said enough was enough. They wanted to stop the emperor from abusing the church and investing his own church officials.
Holy Roman Emperor: How are you gonna stop me so long as I have control over who becomes pope? Remember the circular power division?
If you try to stop me, I'll just depose you and pick someone else. Oh no! I've contracted tuberculosis!
(body thuds)
The Narrator: And just like, the Emperor was dead. His six-year-old son, Henry IV, took over. And as we all know, child emperors equal opportunity. The church had an opening to take back control of the papacy. 
Pope: Hey man, I hope you don't mind but we're changing the rules so that only the church of cardinals can elect the pope and you no longer have any say in the matter. Ya know, if that's cool with you.
Holy Roman Emperor: I peed my pants.
Pope: Okay! Great talk!
The Narrator: Then, with the position of the pope a little more secure, he held a big meeting where he drew up a big list of all the reforms and new powers he was giving himself, and it included some pretty gnarly stuff.
Pope: Okay, first, I have the power to depose emperors. Everyone cool with that? Yeah? Um, let's see. Only I can depose or reinstate bishops. Yeah? All right. No one can judge me. Uh, all princes shall only kiss my feet. Only my name shall be spoken in the churches. My name is the only name in the world!"
Cardinal: Okay. I think you're done.
The Narrator: These were all some pretty radical powers the Pope was giving himself. And with these reforms, the pope was basically telling the Emperor you no longer have the right to choose your own bishops and abbots. Only I can do that. When the emperor, now a full-grown man, heard the news, he was furious.
Holy Roman Emperor: What? This is madness! Who does this guy think he is? I'm the emperor for goodness sake! He can't tell me what to do! I'll invest my own bishops and abbots if I want to, and this rapscallion can go right to heck! I peed my pants again!
The Narrator: The whole conflict escalated when Henry IV went to the pope and said, 
Holy Roman Emperor: Hey, guess what, sucker. You're deposed.
Pope: Aw. Wait a minute! I'm the Pope! You can't depose me! You're deposed!"
Holy Roman Emperor: Aw. Wait a minute! I'm the Emperor! You can't depose me! You're deposed!"
Pope: Aw. Wait a minute!
The Narrator: Eventually, the German princes took advantage of the situation, and they all turned against Henry. Henry was forced to apologize to the pope, and the whole thing ended there. Except it didn't. The whole conflict, known today as the Investiture Controversy, would continue on for centuries as popes and emperors engaged in a power struggle over the emperor choosing his own church officials. The overall result of this conflict is very intricate and full of complexities. But in general, the pope was able to increase his authority.
Cardinal: Great news, Your Holiness. Your influence is on the rise throughout civilized Europe. Except for this one city in northern Italy.
Pope: Really? What's going on there?
(men chanting)
The Narrator: As for the Emperor, he found his realm thrown into further chaos and civil war, as the local princes continued to increase their own power and independence. This was most notably the case in northern Italy, separated from the rest of the Holy Roman Empire by the Alps. The Emperor's influence and control over Italy had often been questionable. In the current chaos, these Italian city-states began operating almost entirely independently. Their practical independence was further solidified when Emperor Frederick Barbarossa came down in 1176 to try to reassert his control. The cities formed an alliance and with the pope's support, they kicked the emperor right back to Germany. "Hooray," said the Italian city-states. "We did it! We're the best of friends!" And then they immediately began attacking each other.
(swords clanging)
The Narrator: Why? Well, this whole pope-versus-emperor thing, in Italy at least, had infiltrated society to it's very core. Across Italy, families and cities were torn between two opposing sides; on one side, the Guelphs, who supported the pope's cause; on the other, the Ghibellines, who supported the emperor. These two sides struggled for control as Guelph cities battled against Ghibelline ones. As usual, personal interest played a pretty big role as pro-pope Guelph cities tended to be rich mercantile ones who didn't like the emperor's taxes. Emperor-supporting Ghibellines, on the other hand, were often agricultural, where the expanding papal states were a larger threat. These cities would sometimes even switch sides, depending who was in charge and their ever-changing personal interests. In some cities, brutal fighting broke out in the streets as opposing families fought for control. At times, the conflict became so tribal that the differences between the two sides were just downright silly.
Ghibelline man: My love, I can't bear it. We must be together. But how can we? My Ghibelline family wears feathers on the left side of their caps, and your Guelph family wears them on the right. My Ghibelline family cuts fruit straight down, and your Guelph family cuts fruit crosswise.
Guelph woman: These are arbitrary differences. We shouldn't let them tear us apart. We can be together no matter what our families think.
Ghibelline man: Wonderful news! Let's make a toast to our love. I'll drink from my Ghibelline smooth goblet.
Guelph woman: And I shall drink from my Guelph chased goblet.
(music cuts off)
Ghibelline man: Get out of my sight you dirty Pope-loving wench.
The Narrator: Two city-states in particular that got caught a long-standing rivalry was the emperor-supporting Modena and the pope-supporting, bucket-loving Bologna. These two cities had bad blood between them, as they had already fought against each other on a number of occasions. In 1249, the two sides took part in the Battle of Fossalta, after which the victorious Bolognese launched a live donkey into Modena to humiliate them. For decades after that, the two sides would occasionally take little day trips into each other's territory and mess things about a bit. In the fateful year of 1325, the Bolognese went on one such trip and laid waste to some farmlands. The ruler of Modena, Passerino dei Bonacolsi, was having none of it. The Bolognese had two major forts protecting their city in the southwest, so Passerino, in retaliation, decided to take an army down and lay siege to one of them. 
Passerino: Hey, you dirty Bolognese jerks! You think you can raid our farmlands? Come out here and face me like a man!
Bolognese: Hey man, what's up? I've just come out to let you know that there's no need to siege us because-
(smack)
Bolognese: Whoa! Hey man! Chill out! I'm trying to tell you-
(smack)
Bolognese: Whoa! Stop doing that! I'm trying to tell you I'm actually secretly sympathetic to the imperial cause, and I want to willingly hand the fort over to you."
Passerino: Oh. Cool. Okay.
(smack)
Bolognese: Dude! What was that for?
Passerino: For betraying your people. And this...is for joining mine. Mwah.
The Narrator: The Bolognese were pretty unhappy to lose one of their main defensive forts. But to make matters worse, then this happened. 
Bolognese: 
- Hey, wait a minute. Where's the bucket?
- Oh no! It's gone!
- Those Modenese must have taken it!
- We'll make them pay! This is unacceptable! They may take our lives, they may take our fort, but they will never take our bucket! Oh wait, here it is. I found it guys. It's right here. Phew. Could you imagine if we started a war over that? That would have been really stupid, and there'd probably be a billion videos about it on YouTube one day. Thank goodness it never actually happened.
The Narrator: That's right. The famous story you may know about the War of the Bucket, that the war started because Modena stole Bologna's bucket, doesn't actually seem to be quite right. I was surprised to find that the bucket was likely not actually stolen at the start of the war. And at this point, I want to thank and give a big shout out to fellow history YouTuber M Laser. He's the one guy I found who actually translated a fantastic original Italian source and then kindly allowed me to use his work in my own research. He does really well-researched and in-depth videos and definitely deserves way more subscribers. So please head on over and check him out. The real reason Bologna seems to have declared war on Modena is simply that they both hated each other, supported opposing factions, the Pope had called on Guelph cities to attack Passerino, and Bologna wanted its fort back. And they were gonna get it back. Bologna had a large force, much larger than what Modena could muster up, so they felt pretty confident. They sent half they're force to lay siege and take back the fort, and the other half took defensive positions to prevent the Modenese from crossing the river. The smaller Modenese force were struggling to find a place to cross, so one night they were like, "Hey guys, look out. We're attacking way up here in the north. Better move your troops. Oh, would you look at. That that was easy." And just like that, the Modenese were across the river. The Bolognese were probably expecting the Modenese to come and break their siege. But instead, the Modenese went for the second fort at Zappolino. Bologna couldn't afford to lose both of its defensive forts, so the entire Bolognese force moved to take defensive positions at Zappolino. When the Modenese arrived, it was already late in the day, and there were about two hours of sunlight left. In most medieval battles, at this point both sides would set up a camp, rest for the night, and prepare for battle the next day. But the outnumbered Modenese decided the only way to win was to deal a quick decisive blow while the Bolognese were still unorganized and unprepared. And that's exactly what they did. They charged at the Bolognese line, and the two sides engaged in fierce combat. 
(swords clanging)
The Narrator: Then the sneaky Modenese pulled what must be the most predictable yet somehow consistently surprising move in medieval warfare. They sent the cavalry around the side and hit 'em from behind. Bing, bang, bong. The Bolognese went on the run. With casualties in the thousands, Modena had won.
(army cheering)
The Narrator: And the Modenese cavalry chased the Bolognese cavalry all the way back to the city. After Modena's victory, they went on a tour of the Bolognese countryside, burning some stuff down along the way. When they reached the city itself, instead of laying siege, they set up a camp and basically held a massive party for three days. The defeated Bolognese could only sit back and watch as the Modenese force began packing up and getting ready to leave. They noticed something.
"Oh my gosh.
Hey! Check this out!"
"No way! Are you kidding me?
"They're still using traditional wells!"
"Hey you dumb Bolognese, ever heard of an artesian well?
You can't even get water out of the ground
without using a stupid bucket."
"It's not a stupid bucket. It's a wonderful bucket!"
"Yeah, whatever bucket boy.
We're taking this with us."
(man screaming)
So Modena stole Bologna's bucket
and put it up on display in their cathedral,
eventually moving it to the city hall,
where it remains on display to this day.
The two cities came to a peace settlement
a few months later.
Bologna would have to pay heavy war reparations,
and in exchange, Modena would return
all conquered territories.
Modena kept the bucket.
Despite being one of the bloodiest battles
in medieval Italian history,
it didn't really change anything,
except now Modena had Bologna's bucket.
As for the larger power struggle
between the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor,
that would continue on for some time
and played a part in many major events of medieval history,
such as the Crusades, the Protestant Reformation,
eventually leading to the general separation
of church and state we see in Europe today.
So there you have it.
We learnt about the Pope and the Holy Roman Emperor,
the Investiture Controversy,
and finally the War of the Bucket.
It's been a long day, and it's time to turn out the lights,
and go to sleep.
"Okay. I love you."
"Um, okay. Goodnight."
"Say it back!"
(upbeat R&B music)
Category:Transcripts