Episode 222: Teresa Brewer/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 222: Teresa Brewer.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter peers in.
Scooter	Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer. Everything all right?
Teresa 	Actually, I could use a hand.
Scooter	You want a hand, you got it!
 	A giant blue hand appears behind her. She giggles.
Scooter	Anything else?
 	She playfully shoves him.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler's seat is being occupied by Blue Frackle.
 	
Statler	Can I see your ticket stub?
 	
 	Flames shoot out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo 	Sorry. Sorry!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where anything can happen. Unfortunately. Uh, but on the bright side, our special guest star tonight is one of the great names in popular music. And here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!
 	200px
 	Teresa sings "Cotton Fields" backed by Janice, Zoot, Floyd Pepper and Trumpet Girl. Fozzie Bear drives the river boat and rings the bell.
Statler	Hmm. I can remember when cotton was king.
Waldorf	You can remember when Arthur was king.
==Backstage==
 	The Muppets pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay. You guys really baled out that number. (chuckles) Very nice.
Scooter 	Hey, Kermit?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Scooter 	Have you decided what you're gonna do about Miss Piggy's big ballet number next week?
Kermit 	Yeah — Scooter, I'm afraid we're gonna have to cut it.
 	Piggy, unnoticed, overhears them from the balcony. She gasps.
Scooter 	But why?
 	
Kermit 	Well, have you seen Miss Piggy recently? I mean, she's getting a little bulgy. You know, the pork no longer fits in the barrel.
Scooter 	Hmm. Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little. (exits)
Kermit 	(chuckles) Yeah, that's the way the old pork rolls.
 	Piggy slams the door to get Kermit's attention.
Miss Piggy	Um... Hello, Kermie.
Kermit 	Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Um... oh! I have a wonderful announcement to make.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy	I know it sounds silly, but I am going on a diet.
Kermit 	A diet? What a wonderful idea.
Miss Piggy	Yes.
Kermit 	Uh, how much weight do you plan to lose?
Miss Piggy	Oh, well, I — I don't know. Maybe five...
Kermit 	Mm.
Miss Piggy	Ten! Ten...
Kermit 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	Fifteen.
Kermit 	Do I hear 20?
Miss Piggy	Twenty pounds.
Kermit 	Sold.
Miss Piggy	For my, uh, new ballet number! (slams door)
Kermit 	Gee, do you think she overheard?
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob … the flappable first mate, Miss Piggy … and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time, Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, Captain. Our oxygen is almost gone, fuel supplies are down to nothing, and the water is all used up.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Captain, my captain. What shall we do?
Link Hogthrob 	Egad, we're out of water, fuel and oxygen. What could be worse?
 	The door opens.
Pig (DG) 	Captain, we're out of swill!
 	Link and Strangepork gasp.
Link Hogthrob 	Out of swill?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, not swill! (sobs)
Miss Piggy 	Wait a minute. I thought this was a serious science fiction story.
Link Hogthrob 	Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship. We can't survive without swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	What do you suggest, Captain?
Link Hogthrob 	Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.
Miss Piggy 	Me? I'm the first mate. I'm supposed to give orders.
Link Hogthrob 	Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(giggles) And one side of coleslaw! (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	Besides, I am a gourmet cook.
Link Hogthrob 	Good. Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(laughs)
Miss Piggy 	All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch! You hear me?
Link Hogthrob 	Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek. We're lost in endless space.
Miss Piggy 	This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
 	
Scooter 	Hi.
 	Link gasps at the sight of Scooter.
Scooter 	Hey, you guys. Kermit says get on with the sketch, OK?
 	A red light blinks and an alarm sounds.
Link Hogthrob 	Red alert! Emergency!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	A hideous space creature has boarded the ship!
Scooter 	Where? Where?
Link Hogthrob 	A hideous space creature from outer space! We are doomed! (starts strangling Scooter)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Not without a fight, we're not.
Scooter 	I'm — I'm not a space creature!
Link Hogthrob 	Grab him, doctor!
 	Piggy shrugs and walks away.
Announcer 	Tune in next time for the beginning of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
=="Wild Thing"==
 	200px
 	Animal, at his drum kit, sings a frantic "Wild Thing" until Janice and a pig come with nets and drag him away to a sanitarium.
Waldorf	I wonder where they took him.
Statler	Wherever it is, I bet it's more fun than here.
Waldorf	(chuckles)
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death defying intellectualism never seen before — ahem — uh, the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare, while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air? Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Gonzo, hanging by his nose.
Gonzo 	The Merchant of Venice, Act one, scene one. Antonio speaks. In sooth, I know not why I am so sad. It wearies me, you say… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahchoo!
 	He sneezes and falls down. The audience boos.
==Dressing room==
 	Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Brewer? Uh, I was wondering if I could ask your advice. You know, ahem, woman to woman.
Teresa 	Why, sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Well, I have this friend who is absolutely devastating. Except she has an itty bitty weight problem.
Teresa 	What makes you think I know anything about being fat?
Miss Piggy	Oh, Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people. I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your — fat friends.
Teresa 	Well, maybe I can help.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Teresa 	I was about to have some lunch. Would you care to join me?
 	
 	Piggy gasps as Teresa displays an ice cream sundae and a frosted cake.
Miss Piggy	(sigh) … perhaps a nibble. Ahem.
Teresa 	You know, it's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet. They're such bores.
Miss Piggy	Yes, yes.
Teresa 	You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce leaves.
Miss Piggy	(grunts)
Teresa 	Well, let's eat.
Miss Piggy	Now you're talking.
 	A knock on the door.
Teresa 	Come in.
Kermit 	Oh, Miss Brewer. Listen, I - I thought that number was so great, that "Cotton Fields" thing. It was just beautiful.
Teresa 	Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Kermit 	Uh, you're — you're supposed to be on a diet. Uh … you weren't thinking of doing anything with that, uh, cake there, were you, fat stuff? (chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Not until now.
 	
 	She shoves Kermit's face into the cake and exits.
Teresa 	(laughs) How about that? Frosted frog.
Miss Piggy	(slams door) Hi-YAH!
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Lady (JN) 	I lost 180 pounds of ugly fat in just one week.
Gentleman (JN)	Oh? How'd you do that?
Lady (JN) 	I divorced my husband. (laughs)
 	Switch to another couple.
Whatnot (JH) 	I went on a new diet last week. I eat nothing but carrots three times a day.
Lady (LG) 	Oh! How's it working?
Whatnot (JH) 	Fine. (laughs)
 	
 	His hat pops off, revealing rabbit ears. Switch to a pig couple.
Hoggy (RH) 	Well, as far as I'm concerned, being fat's all in your head.
Pig (RH) 	I don't think it's all in your head.
 	Switch to another couple.
Lady (DG) 	And then she had the nerve to tell me that I was overweight. Can you believe that? Overweight? Isn't that the most absurd thing you ever —
 	CRACK! They fall through the floor. Other couples fall through the same hole after them.
==UK spot==
Dr. Teeth 	Here's a little number now that we dedicate to my favorite food. And we call it "Cheese Cake". One and two and...
 	
 	He performs "Cheese Cake" with a cheesecake and some Muppet monsters. At the end of the song, the monsters try to eat the cheesecake, but it escapes.
Monsters 	Cheesecake. Mm. Oh, cheesecake!
Cheesecake	I'm getting out of here while the getting's good.
 	Piggy follows it.
==Dressing room==
 	Kermit and Teresa browse through an autograph book.
Kermit 	Y'know, this is really amazing, Teresa. You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book.
Teresa 	Well, it's a hobby of mine. I started when I was just a kid.
Kermit 	Is that right?
Teresa 	I always get all the autographs of all the people I work with.
Kermit 	Oh, look at that. There's Bing Crosby. You've got Bob Hope. And Louis Armstrong.
 	He sees a page with a burnt hole in it.
Kermit 	Hey, wait — wait a second. Whose — whose autograph is that?
Teresa 	Crazy Harry.
Kermit 	(chuckles)
 	
Crazy Harry	(cackles) Want another one?
Teresa 	No, it's all right. (Crazy Harry leaves)
Kermit 	Hey, I didn't, uh, know you were getting autographs of, uh, us Muppets.
Teresa 	Of course. I think I've got just about all of the Muppets' autographs.
Kermit 	Well, you — well, you haven't gotten all of them.
Teresa 	You know, you're right. I'm missing the most important one.
Kermit 	Well, ahem — well, um... Gee.
Teresa 	You know, the collection would be worthless without it.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, I, uh, ahem, I don't know what to say.
Teresa 	Well, just tell me how to get Animal's autograph.
Kermit 	Animal?
 	Animal rushes in and tackles her.
Animal 	Autograph!
 	
 	He leaves a mark on her forehead.
Teresa 	(Animal voice) I love it! (giggles)
==Muppet Labs==
 	Open on Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again. Well, here it is, the all new Muppets electric nose warmer. … Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day and gotten your nose cold? Wouldn't it be nice, you thought to yourself, if I 
could warm it electrically? Well, now you can, as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate.
 	Beaker comes in, shivering, begging Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Come on in here, Beaker. We're just going to slip... Come on over here. We're just going to slip this on your nose, alright?
 	
 	He fastens the coil on Beaker's nose.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	There you go. All the way up. There. And now with the nose warmer in place, we have only to turn on the electricity.
 	He turns it on. Beaker starts heating up and smoking.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And there's Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose. You really should stop smoking, Beaker. It's very bad for your health.
 	Beaker grips Bunsen's hand, electrocuting him. Applause.
Statler 	Yeah, that was great. Fantastic.
Waldorf 	Eh, didn't like it.
Statler 	Well, what would you know, you old fool?
Waldorf 	Don't call me an old fool. I'll give you the evil eye.
Statler 	(sarcastic) Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared!
 	Waldorf gives him the evil eye, scaring him stiff.
Waldorf 	(shrug) I warned him.
=="At the Hop"==
 	200px
 	Scooter and some frogs sing "At the Hop". At the first chorus, the frogs start hopping away.
Frog (JN)	We're going to the hop! Hop! Hop! Hop!
Scooter 	Hey, guys? No, finish the song, guys! Could you...? Never mind.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy, dressed for Veterinarian's Hospital, muses backstage.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh, I am so hungry! (sigh) It's been twenty whole minutes I've been on this diet. (sigh) Well, let's see. I hope I haven't lost too much weight.
 	She sees herself in the mirror.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Oh! You are ravishing! (embraces the mirror) All right, it's weigh-in time. All right, scale, give me the good news.
 	
 	She steps on it, and it breaks.
Miss Piggy	Liar! Hi-YAH!
=="Spinning Wheel"==
 	Teresa is pushed on a swing by Sweetums.
Teresa 	What goes up, must come down.
 	Sweetums is confused when she doesn't come down. He turns his back, and she finally comes down, knocking him over.
Waldorf	Eh, it's the old girl-swing-monster bit again. They tried to sneak it past us.
Statler	Hmm. Shoddy. Shoddy.
 	The song continues.
Teresa 	What goes up, must come down.
 	Sweetums is confused when she doesn't return on the swing. She returns, tussled and dirty, and punches Sweetums in the gut.
Waldorf	I think it's getting better.
Statler	I think you're getting senile.
 	The song continues.
Teresa 	
What goes up, must come down.
Spinning wheel, spinning around.
 	
 	Sweetums is confused when she doesn't come down. He turns his back, and she finally comes down from the other side, knocking him over. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy looks around, makes sure the coast is clear, and turns on the TV set.
TV Host 	Well, hi there, fatties, and welcome to The Chub Club, the only TV show where we lose viewers by the ton.
 	He chuckles. She grimaces.
TV Host 	Well, chubbies, ready to lose a little lard?
 	
Miss Piggy	Ready to lose a few tubes?
TV Host 	Let's start with a little exercise, shall we?
Miss Piggy	All right. (follows along)
TV Host 	Okay, chin up, chest out, deep breath, touching toes. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two...
Miss Piggy	All right, take a hike.
TV Host 	Ready? Stop. Next exercise, leg lifts, okay?
Miss Piggy	Yeah, okay. (lies down)
TV Host 	Lie down on the floor on your back, lift legs high up into the air. Ready?
Miss Piggy	Yeah.
TV Host 	Lift. Up, down.
Miss Piggy	(lifts) Oh, you've gotta be kidding!! Ahh!
TV Host 	Up! … Down. Up …
Miss Piggy	I'm trying!
TV Host 	Down. Very good, Everybody on your feet.
 	She gets up, exhausted.
TV Host 	Next exercise, running in place.
Miss Piggy	Yeah, okay. (follows along)
TV Host 	Here we go. Ready? Run! One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two... Alrighty! Can't you just feel that fat falling away?
 	She faints.
=="Music Music Music"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, once again our very special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer.
 	Teresa stands on top of a jukebox. Animal inserts a coin as Floyd joins him.
Floyd 	Hey, now we'll really hear some music.
Animal	Yeah, want music.
Floyd 	Put another nickel in. (Animal does so)
Animal	I put nickel in. Want music.
Floyd 	Put another nickel in.
Animal	Ahhh. (does so) I put nickel in! Want music!
Floyd 	Just listen, fuzzy face.
Animal	Fuzzy face… (notices) … ah!
 	
 	Floyd hits the jukebox. Music starts playing, and Teresa starts dancing. She sings "Music, Music, Music" as some other Muppets dance inside the jukebox.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's all the time and jokes we have left for this show. But before we go, let's have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!
 	Teresa comes out to applause.
Teresa 	Thank you. Thank you. And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog?
Kermit 	Aw, thank you — Ahhh!
 	The blue hand knocks him down.
Kermit 	I guess I deserved that.
 	The other Muppets gather onstage as Piggy takes command.
 	
Miss Piggy	Okay, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises. Running in place. One, two, three... (they follow along with her)
Kermit 	Okay, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy	(over the credits) Just keep going. One, two, three, four... Come on, keep exercising. One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one... Run in place! Get out of here, squeak! One, two, one, two...
Waldorf 	Well, they did it again.
Statler 	Yeah, whatever it was.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts