Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday is the third episode of season three, and the eighteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 23, 2020.
==Plot==
After months of campaigning, Bikini Bottomites finally decide who will represent their political party in the 2020 presidential election.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens in Mr. Banana’s bedroom. He can be seen sleeping, while birds hum outside. Suddenly, he wakes up.]
Mr. Banana: Wait a minute! Is that...music?!
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana brandishes a shotgun, opening the window and shooting the birds.]
Mr. Biden: [off-screen] Hey! Save some of those bullets for Palestinians!
Mr. Banana: Oh yeah! Hey, you know today’s the big day!
[Suddenly, Biden bursts through the door.]
Mr. Biden: Bingo Day?!
Mr. Banana: No!
Mr. Biden: We’re going to hang out with Paul and Donald?
Mr. Banana: No! These have all been cancelled due to the Plague! I’m talking about Super Tuesday!
Mr. Biden: Well, if those are cancelled, shouldn’t Super Tuesday be as well? Having a whole bunch of people crowded together in lines for hours seems like a surefire way to spread the Plague.
Mr. Banana: It is! But it’s also a way to retain the right-wing stranglehold on the Democratic Party! Remember what you said! We want to get this over with as soon as possible!
Mr. Biden: Oh yeah.
Mr. Banana: Great! Now let’s do a virtual rally!
Mr. Biden: A what?
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: Today’s the big day, folks!
Mrs. Plankton: Today I find out who the leader of North Korea is?
Mr. Perkins: No! Super Tuesday! With a split progressive vote, Biden comes in as the frontrunner, however Sanders is hoping he can manage to pull off an upset. We’re going to take a look at some virtual rallies going on right now!
[Cut to a Sanders virtual rally.]
Mr. Sanders: Many have decided to write us off. However, we must remember, many wrote off Trump in 2016 as well. Friends, we may be facing an uphill battle, but I believe with your support, we can pull this off! So do not get discouraged, make sure to vote and bring everyone you know with you too!
[Cut to a Pineapple virtual rally.]
Mr. Pineapple: Today, Bikini Bottomites have a choice to make. In the Democratic primary, they can either pick a war criminal, someone who isn’t willing to prosecute war criminals, my very unreasonable science teacher, and me. So vote for me, and not for anyone else, ever, because that would mean you don’t really care about crimes against humanity.
[Cut to a R’Onion virtual rally, held in the same place as the Pineapple rally.]
Mr. R’Onion: [shouts at Mr. Pineapple] Unreasonable? What an inappropriate description! For that, detention is extended! [turns to camera] Anyways, folks, there is a War On Trees raging throughout Bikini Bottom, and I am the only one who pledges to stop it! So vote for me, and not for anyone else, ever, because that would mean you don’t really care about crimes against trees.
[Cut to a Biden virtual rally.]
Mr. Biden: Thank you all for supporting me! I—I—[falls asleep]
Mr. Fancyson: [off-screen] Uh-oh.
[Mr. Fancyson runs to the camera.]
Mr. Fancyson: Are you sick and tired of the poor hoarding all the wealth that rightfully belongs to a rich fish like you? Then vote Fancyson—I mean, Biden, in the primary today!
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Trump: Bernie better not win! He’s going to crush me in the general!
Mr. Pence: Well, the progressive vote is being split between him, Mr. Pineapple, and Mr. R’Onion. But he’s still putting up a tough fight.
Mr. Trump: Hmm, he’s being treated quite unfairly.
Mr. Pence: I got an idea! Say that in public, and you’ll get more Democrats to steer away from Bernie, since you’re expressing sympathy towards him. And say that Putin loves him too!
Mr. Trump: Alright, I shall hold a press briefing, and it shall be the most tremendous of press briefings!
[Cut to the White House Press Briefing Room.]
Journalists: Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! Will you finally tell us about how you will combat the Plague?!
Mr. Trump: Shut up, fake news, I’m trying to do something important! Now, let me just say, I feel really bad for Bernie Sanders. All the centrists are unifying, the progressives are dividing, it’s all very dirty. More dirty than me. Oh, and by the way, he loves Putin!
Journalists: But what about the Plague—
Mr. Trump: Welp, press briefing is over, you can now leave. Unless, you want to stick around to see my giant cock.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Trump has expressed sympathy for Bernie Sanders, and Putin loves him! How evil, yet unsurprising.
Mrs. Plankton: Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Trump might be doing this just to scare Democrats into voting against Bernie, and he has provided no proof of Putin liking him. It really makes no sense, since Putin’s top critic, who was almost killed a few days ago, endorsed him—
Mr. Perkins: Quiet! Let’s hear some feedback from the Biden camp.
[Cut to a screen showing Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Banana: Well, Karen, that guy isn’t a true critic of Putin. A true critic is someone like me!
Mrs. Plankton: Sir, he’s putting his life on the line to fight Putin, while you’re writing SpongeBob fanfiction.
Mr. Banana: Indeed, as writing SpongeBob fanfiction is very productive, unlike evil music.
Mrs. Plankton: Mr. Perkins, why do you hate Bernie?
Mr. Perkins: I don’t want to pay for his impossible promises!
Mr. Banana: Impossible? You know, Nelson Mandela once said, “it’s always impossible until it’s done”.
Mr. Perkins: We’re talking about Medicare For All.
Mr. Banana: Nevermind then.
[Later that day.]
Mr. Perkins: Folks, the first results of the night are beginning to come in. And the state of Virginia goes to...Joe Biden!
[Cut to Mr. Sanders watching the news.]
Mr. Sanders: Well, that’s okay. It’s just one state.
Mr. Perkins: And the state of North Carolina goes to Biden as well!
Mr. Sanders: It’s just two states.
Mr. Perkins: Same with Alabama!
Mr. Sanders: It’s just three states.
Mr. Perkins: Oklahoma too!
Mr. Sanders: It’s just four states.
Mr. Perkins: Add Tennessee to that list!
Mr. Sanders: It’s just five states.
Mr. Perkins: Minnesota has just been called for Biden!
Mr. Sanders: Well surely I’ve got to win at least one state, right?
Mr. Perkins: Massachusetts goes to…
Mr. Sanders: I got this, Massachusetts is the progressive stronghold, after all.
Mr. Perkins: ...Joe Biden!
Mr. Sanders: WHAT
Mr. Perkins: Pineapple, Sanders, and R’Onion equally split this state, and Biden leads the way.
Sanders’ Surrogate: You really should’ve attacked them, instead of playing nice.
Mr. Sanders: I’m sure I’ll win. Not every state has been called, there’s still a chance!
Mr. Perkins: And California goes to...Bernie Sanders!
Mr. Sanders: Yeah, I won the largest state!
Mr. Perkins: Oh no. Despite the progressive vote being split, and Putin liking him, it looks like Bernie could make a recovery!
Mr. Sanders: I’m going to win this thing!
[A worker runs into the studio and hands Mr. Perkins some papers.]
Mr. Perkins: Wait! It appears that despite winning the popular vote in California, the delegates will cast their votes for Biden, due to behind-the-scenes work by Squillam Fancyson. I’m saved!
Mr. Sanders: YOU!
[Later that night.]
Mr. Perkins: Well, that’s it folks. All the states have been called - in a stunning victory, Biden won every single one of them, Sanders failing to win any. We’re not releasing popular vote statistics, due to orders from Mr. Fancyson.
Mr. Sanders: Well then.
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science class, where he and Mr. Pineapple are also watching the news.]
Mr. R’Onion: We did it! We stopped that murderer Bernie from winning the nomination!
Mr. Pineapple: OH YEAH BABY! We did it! That fake progressive has been defeated, now a true leftist can finally take the reigns!
Mr. R’Onion: Wait a minute!
Mr. Pineapple: What?
Mr. R’Onion: Joe Biden is the one who won the nomination.
Mr. Pineapple: Hm.
[Cut to Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana, also watching the news.]
Mr. Biden: Aw man! This is the worst night of my life!
Mr. Banana: Why? You won every single state!
Mr. Biden: I know! Now I’m going to have to stay in the race! I was hoping Bernie would win, then I could finally check myself into a retirement home.
Mr. Banana: YOU DAMN FOOL! If that Bernie had won, he’d have you executed!
[Suddenly, Mr. Pineapple pops into a window.]
Mr. Pineapple: No he wouldn’t! He’s a complete fraud!
[Mr. R’Onion pops into another window.]
Mr. R’Onion: He would have all the trees executed though!
Mr. Biden: [gets up from the couch] Hey, maybe this night isn’t so bad after all! My long lost love has returned!
Mr. Pineapple: AAAH! [runs away]
Mr. Banana: If only my long lost love would return as well… [takes out a framed photo of a strawberry]
[Cut to the Fancyson residence, where Mr. G and Mr. Obama are playing a video game. Mr. Fancyson enters.]
Mr. Fancyson: Folks, due to The Communist Pineapple and R’Onion, as well as some behind-the-scenes work I did, Biden has secured the nomination!
Mr. G: Yes! I’m tired of playing this stupid video game, drone striking is only fun when it’s the real deal! We shall win this election, and Biden shall appoint me to do whatever war crimes I want.
Mr. Obama: I’m not too sure, Biden did say he’ll end the wars.
Mr. G: Yeah, but you said that too.
Mr. Obama: Fair point.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mrs. Plankton: This just in, Mr. Sanders is set to make an important announcement.
[Cut to Mr. Sanders.]
Mr. Sanders: Well folks, with us losing every single state tonight, it has become clear that we have no path to victory. And with that, I shall be dropping out of the race and endorsing Joe.
[Cut to Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Biden: HA! BERNIE WON! I’M SAVED!
Mr. Banana: No! You won!
Mr. Biden: What are you talking about? I see an old man on the TV!
Mr. Banana: That old man is you, not Bernie! The headline literally says “Joe Wins Primary”!
Mr. Biden: Who’s Joe?
Mr. Banana: [facepalms]
[The episode ends.]
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