All The President's Hands

All The Presidents' Hands is a 2004 American action comedy film directed by famed game show host Bob Barker in his directorial debut and executive produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. It is the first film in the All The Presidents' Hands franchise. The film stars an ensemble cast including Alex Strachan (who portrays and voices most of the main characters), Simone Biles, Jeff Foxworth, Jerry Springer, Gary Burgoff, Jesse Ventura, Dean Winters, Jason Alexander, Jacob Tremblay, and 6ix9ine. The film revolves around a team of disembodied, floating, anthropomorphic hands who work together to expose the President of the United States-a cartoon squirrel named Bartholomew Louie Squire-for criminal acts he committed in secret during his "6-month holiday". Meanwhile, the leader of the group proposes to his human girlfriend/fiancée, and must simultaneously come up with wedding plans before the Fourth of July.
Development on the film began in 2001. Filming for All The Presidents' Hands commenced a year later and finished minutes before New Years Day 2004. All The Presidents' Hands is distributed by five different major Hollywood studios-Victor Hugo Pictures, Fox Deadpool Pictures, Woody and Buzz Productions, Heriberto Pictures, and Gandalf Pictures-with Bruckheimer's vanity card Jerry Bruckheimer Films co-financing. That, coupled with the film's budget of $9.75 billion, makes this film one of Victor Hugo Pictures' most expensive films ever made.
All The Presidents' Hands premiered at the South by Southwest Film Festival on April 4th, 2004, and was released in the United States on July 4th, 2004. The premiere initially received mixed reviews from critics, who praised the action and dialog but criticized the writing and screenplay. Upon release, however, critics lightened up to the film and gave it positive reviews because they "had nothing else to do". The film was a box office success, grossing $55 billion which was well above it's original $9.75 billion budget, making it the highest-grossing film of 2004. Its success led to a sequel being released in 2008.
== Plot ==
Generically-named Hand is the disembodied left hand of an unnamed journalist who secretly covered the "6-month holiday retreat" of Bartholomew Louie Squire, a cartoon anthropomorphic squirrel and member of the Republican Party who serves as the 69th President of the United States. The "holiday retreat" however, was actually a series of murders Squire committed in Eastern Europe to "shut the communist's mouths". The journalist published the story two years ago, which caught America's attention, leading to Squire brutally murdering him and many other journalists covering the story in humorous ways such as crashing a carbon copy of Air Force One right on to the person or hijacking a lumberjack truck and killing them with pieces of wood. Hand continues to keep his old body's legacy alive by writing a columnist paper covering Squire's crimes under the pseudonym "Bandler Ching".
After having a few drinks at a bar for freaks, Hand meets up with his girlfriend-a semi-African human named Lindsey Alexander-at a breakdancing competition in Langley, Virginia where they are teammates. The two make it to the finals, and are pitted against Billy Bob and Sally Joe-whom unbeknownst to them are the children of Mayhem M. Mayhem, a potential candidate for 420th Vice President of the United States and Squire's running mate who assisted him in his crimes-and manage to beat them and win the competition. After accepting the Conveniently Placed Black Guy Trophy of Excellence, Hand proposes to Lindsey, which she happily accepts, and they share their first kiss.
Frustrated about their loss, Billy Bob and Sally Joe report to the White House in Washington D.C. and inform Squire and Mayhem about the competition and the possibility that Hand and Lindsey could be a threat to their presidential campaign. Mayhem, however, does not approve of the idea that they participated in a sport associated with "street gangs" and grounds them, while Squire tells his campaign manager to start using Billy Bob and Sally Joe's loss at the breakdancing finals as a metaphor for hate speech towards African Americans and other disembodied talking hands currently residing in America.
The next day, while planning for their wedding which is set to be held on the Fourth of July, Hand and Lindsey see a TV commercial promoting Squire and Mayhem's campaign that mentions the breakdancing competition and warns campaign supporters that they spot Hand and Lindsey, whose picture was shown on the ad, they must be shot on sight. Worried about the future, Hand decides it is for the best that he must find other hands to assist him on a potential suicide mission that will change the 2069 election for good. Lindsey agrees and tags along with him, and suggests that for their wedding, the theme should be based around such event.
At a secret base in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, Hand and Lindsey are introduced to such hands as: Dumby, the "retard" of the gang whose childish acts often result in disaster; Ben Jaman, a shady thug-like weapons specialist; Scrubs, the gang's medical assistant and "voice of reason" who has an obsession with the TV sitcom he is named after; and Aw-Toe, an expert in automobiles and auto insurance and is the only member of the gang who is capable of driving a car safely and correctly, whereas the others rely on taxis (or in the case of Hand, Lindsey) to get to places. As a team, their plan is to uncover President Squire's election plans-which are unknown to the public-and have the Democratic candidate Jason Alexander and his running mate 6ix9ine use them as an attack on Squire and Mayhem's campaign.
Upon arrival at Alexander's home, Hand informs him that he has been "hired" to be his campaign manager and needs help finding evidence of Squire's criminal acts. He reluctantly joins the gang, and 6ix9ine also tags along. Meanwhile, Squire learns that Alexander and 6ix9ine have joined forces with Hand and Lindsey and demands Mayhem that he pretends to be a bee and crash any form of transportation they use once they arrive at Washington D.C.
The hands arrive at Capitol Hill via different transportation types; Lindsey takes her own car, Aw-Toe and Ben Jaman drive a broken down Prius, and Hand and Scrubs reluctantly join Dumby in a helicopter that he stole from a news station back in 2047. Mayhem takes note of this, then puts on his bee costume, shrinks himself down, and flies carrying bombs to an unknown residence. Dumby misinterprets this residence as the White House, but Hand informs him that it is actually the home of the dead journalist's grandmother, to which he replies, "your grandmother lives in the White House???" Hand then pimp slaps Dumby and takes control of the helicopter.
Aw-Toe and Ben Jaman drive their Prius through a sketchy road; the former is not comfortable doing this so he exchanges seats with the latter whilst teaching him how to drive. After Hand's grandmother's house is blown up, Mayhem enters the Prius, goes up to Ben Jaman's ear and says "boo" to him. He then loses control of the car, and thanks to Aw-Toe's choking of him, crashes it into a farmer's market on the side of the road. Mayhem then notices that their GPS is purposely turned off. After Aw-Toe and Ben Jaman fix the Prius and get it back on the road, the GPS unknowingly turns on automatically; however Mayhem has configured it to where instead of giving directions to Capitol Hill, the GPS takes Aw-Toe and Ben Jaman to a desert-like location whilst playing "Cha Cha Slide". Seconds before the GPS tells Aw-Toe and Ben Jaman to "clap their hands", the Prius gets a flat tire, thanks to Mayhem growing a 'thorny ass'. They then call for a taxi driven by a buff black guy to take them to Capitol Hill.
Dumby's helicopter has already landed near Capitol Hill, and so has Lindsey's 2006 Honda Civic. The taxi is the last to arrive; for reasons unknown, the driver has agreed to tag along with the hands and Lindsey. Scrubs, Ben Jaman, Aw-Toe, Dumby, and the taxi driver all agree that Hand and Lindsey should stay behind because they don't want to risk losing them to whatever despicable idea President Squire is brewing up. As they split up and enter Capitol Hill, Hand enters Lindsey's car and helps her push the front seats back. They decide that this mission is not a good theme for the wedding and base it around their favorite sport: breakdancing. Lindsey adds that it would be funny if when she walked down the aisle, instead of "Here Comes The Bride", they would play "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who, which is the two's favorite song to breakdance to. Hand then darkens the car interior, grabs a condom that he sneaked into the helicopter, while Lindsey grabs her birth control pills, and the two practice safe sex in the car.
Back in Capitol Hill, Dumby, accompanied by the black taxi driver, enters a room labeled "The Room With Very Cool Stuff That Need To Be Touched" and does exactly that: touches everything in the room, against the taxi driver's warning that it could be a trap. A trapdoor then closes the room, trapping Dumby whilst the taxi driver is on the other side and facepalms. Scrubs discovers a closet door in the campaign office which leads to a secret strip club only accessible by "the lonely". Hoping that this will be his chance to finally get a girlfriend, Scrubs hooks up with Zyra Banksy, a 23-year-old newcomer to the adult entertainment industry, who takes him to a separate room and gives him a lap dance. Ben Jaman, who is armed with an AK-47, comes face-to-face with Squire's husband Buggy Raluca, who despite being an LGBT member is the 69th First Lady of the United States. Ben Jaman pulls his AK-47 on Buggy and threatens to kill him, but backs down after Buggy pulls his own gun-nicknamed 'the Penile Guns'- and tells him to relax, "it won't hurt that lil V-hole of yours". Disgusted by his behavior, Ben Jaman punches Buggy's toupee off and discovers a wig, exposing 'him' as a fraud, a woman, and a disgrace to the LGBT community. He then shoots her, kills her, and drags her body into a closet door leading to that same strip club Scrubs is currently in, hoping it will catch everyone's attention.
Aw-Toe finds the Presidential Garage, where he steals and hijacks Cadillac One, only to be discovered by Billy Bob and Sally Joe, who were in that same garage trying to get ahold of their father's stolen Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. They misinterpret Aw-Toe as Hand and try to shoot him, which does little damage to Cadillac One but destroying the Wienermobile in the process. Aw-Toe then hypnotizes them into having Democratic beliefs, and the two then join him in Cadillac One as they drive off to inform Hand and Lindsey that the coast is clear of President Squire. The black taxi driver manages to free Dumby from "The Room With Very Cool Stuff That Need To Be Touched", Ben Jaman escapes arrest by Secret Service agents, and Scrubs makes whoopee to Zyra, unprotected, which gets her pregnant in the process. Just as she threatens to kill him, Scrubs escapes the strip club, and Zyra accidentally trips over Buggy's dead body getting a concussion, whilst Scrubs joins the other hands.
Back at the car, Hand and Lindsey are still making love (protected), and spaghetti kiss in the process, only to be spotted by the other hands and the taxi driver, whom are all (except for Scrubs, after his experience with Zyra) disgusted by what they have seen. They eventually quit, as Aw-Toe tells them that now he has full control of Cadillac One, President Squire's chances at reelection have gone down from 99% to 83.27%. Meanwhile, back at the desert site where the Prius is still located at, Mayhem grows back to normal size and tears parts of car off of it, creating a specialized weapon specifically for killing "freakish people", including the hands. Mayhem hides the weapon in his pants and transports himself to another location which is not known due to Dumby interrupting the movie and pausing it to tell the audience that he has no idea as to why they are fighting a character from an insurance commercial.
As the film resumes, it is revealed that Mayhem is now on Capitol Street, pretending to be a "rusty-old boat hatch that is barely hanging on". The gang decides to explore Washington D.C. to look for clues that could help with their fight. Dumby and Hand come across Mayhem, who is holding on to a boat on the back of a moving car. Upon seeing the hands, he releases the boat from his hand and gives a "goodbye" signal, in the hopes that the boat will run over Hand and Dumby and kill them. President Squire watches the action from a "tree cam" on his computer, growling but is pleased that Mayhem has the hands under control. However, Hand and Dumby run from the boat which goes off to an off-screen location whilst the car originally connected to the boat gets in a car crash. President Squire, angry that Mayhem has failed his mission, threatens to unleash "Plan...I Don't Remember The Letter Because I Lost Count LOL".
Meanwhile, Ben Jaman tests out a new technology that a friend of his invented which allows a hand to transform into a weapon of their choice. Ben Jaman morphs into a R37 rifle and shoots out of it, only to realize he has accidentally shot a female tourist. He then contacts Scrubs about the woman's condition and asks him to pause whatever he is doing to "help the poor bitch goddammit". Scrubs does get the call, but ignores it as he is currently in another strip club getting a lap dance from an Asian woman named Soup Pa-Hot. Aw-Toe is caught driving Cadillac One by USCP officers and is arrested for having stolen a Presidential item.
TBA UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!