Selma's Choice/Quotes

:Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!
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:Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
:Bart and Lisa: We're under six.
:Homer: And I'm a college student!
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:Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
:Bart: Gladys, Gladys... about yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead...
:Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
:Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.
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: Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
:Lisa: We understand.
:Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
:Homer: (whining) But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
:Marge: Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
:Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
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:Bart and Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
:Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
:Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..
:Bart: Which old witch?
:Homer: The wicked witch!
:Marge: Homer!
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:Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
:Selma: Her legend will live forever.
:Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
:Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
:Marge: Homer! That's very rude of you.
:Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
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:Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
:Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
:Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
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:Bart: Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me!
:Homer: Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining!
[Cut to Lisa being so smushed up against the window that she can't even speak.]
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:Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
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:(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
:Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
:Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
:(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)
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:Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
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:Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
:Marge: Homer!
:Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]
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:Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
:Marge: MR. HUTZ!
:Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!
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:Aunt Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
:Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]
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:Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
:Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
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:Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
:Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
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:Hans Moleman: R, Q, G, question mark, smiley face. 
:Selma: Next. (notices his driver's licence bio) Wait a minute. It says here, you're single. 
:Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?
:(Selma and Hans Moleman are having a date and Hans is reading the menu)
:Hans Moleman: Cold biscuits, chicken, yellow... mailman.
:Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir. 
:Hans Moleman: Very good. 
:[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
:Hans Moleman: I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
:Selma: Use your imagination. (She repeatedly bats her eyes at him)
:Hans Moleman: (tries to give her a kiss)
:Selma: (Imagines herself married to Hans and their kids bumping into each other and one of them falling out of the apartment)
:Selma: Ugh. Get out of my car. [drives off]
:Hans Moleman: (Looks to the house he is at) This isn't my house.
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:Marge: Selma! You're back already?
:Selma: Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
:Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
:Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.
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:Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
:Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.
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:Bart: [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, great, Dad's dead.
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:Marge: Have you been eating that sandwich again?
:Homer: Sand... wich.
:[Flashback at the company picnic...]
:Carl: Jeez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
:Homer: [pats the sandwich] I'll give it a good home.
:[Homer sits on the couch, eating the hoagie, which is about 5 feet long.]
:Marge: You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
:Homer: Two more feet and I can fit in the fridge.
:[In the kitchen, Marge holds up a molded sandwich with tiny mushrooms on it.]
:Marge: Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away.
:Homer: Suggestion noted. [continues eating it]
:[Later, Homer holds up a molded sandwich.]
:Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
:Marge: Are you going to eat it?
:Homer: Yes. [Marge throws the molded sandwich into the bin as he grows sick] Oh.
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:Marge: [to Selma] We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.
:Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
:Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
:Selma: That's the spirit.
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:Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
:Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.
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:Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
:Lisa: This is a disgrace.
:Selma: Hey, anything this bad has to be educational.
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:Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]
:Selma: [with a sensual husky voice] You're charming the pants off of me.
:Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
:Selma: [normal voice] I said, take off those damn glasses!
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:Bart: Hey, Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
:Lisa: [looking at the horrible brown "water" the boat is floating on] I'm not sure that is water.
:Bart: Chicken. [begins to cluck like a chicken]
:Lisa: Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT! QUIT IT!
:Selma: Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
:[Lisa complies. She immediately begins to experience hallucinations.]
:Animatronics: Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you/I'll have a Duff... ["Duff" echoes]
:Lisa: They're all around me. No way out! [laughs] No way out, I tell you!
:Selma: [looking absolutely nightmarish to Lisa] What's wrong? You just put your head right here.
:[Unfortunately, her kindness backfires, as her shoulder appears to have grown a monstrous mouth to the hallucinating Lisa.]
:Lisa: [screams and tries to attack Bart and Selma with an oar]
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:Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
:Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
:Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.
:Homer: Woo-hoo!
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:Lisa: (having hallucinations and seeing everything blurry) Whoa, I can see the music!
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:Selma: [looking at Surly] Can't you do something?
:Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy, Surly!
:Selma: Mmm. Sorry, Surly.
:Surly: Shut up.
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:Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.
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:Officer: [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
:Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
:Employee: Give her this [gives two pills to Selma], and this [gives her two more pills] and then, these [gives her a bunch of pills]
:Selma: Thank you, doctor.
:Employee: Oh, I'm not a doctor.
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:Homer: Come to Homercles!
:Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!
:Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]
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:Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
:Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]
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:Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.
:Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.