Identity Thief/Transcript

Hello? This is Sandy Patterson.
Yes, Mr. Patterson.
I'm Janine from the
Fraud Protection Department
of Identi-vault Credit Monitoring Service.
We're calling today because, unfortunately,
it appears that someone
has attempted to steal your identity.
Are you kidding me?
Gosh, I wish I were.
We did catch this in time, however.
But I do suggest you taking advantage
of our free total protection plan,
which safeguards your credit rating
against theft and fraud.
Yes, please. If it's free, absolutely.
Just terrific. I went for this plan myself.
Mr. Patterson, I'm gonna need to
verify some information from you.
I'm gonna need your
full name, date of birth,
and Social Security number, please.
Sure, understood. Here it comes.
What can I get for you?
I'm gonna have a melon ball.
And some tequila. And let's start a tab.
You got it.
And keep it open.
My friends can't make it.
Here I am, stuck with
all these premium tequila shots, so...
That's what we're drinking.
No.
My name's Sandy.
Hi, Sandy.
Okay. Cheers.
Mmm!
Let's get another round.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Another round on me!
Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
Who the hell is she?
Who cares? She's buying free drinks.
Let's go!
When I say "Sandy," you say "Patterson."
- Sandy!
- Patterson!
- Sandy!
- Patterson!
Who wants another drink?
We do!
Enough. No more.
Ma'am, get down.
Who here wants to see me
swing on that chandelier?
No, no, no. You can't be up there.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Uh, yeah, yeah, you can hear me,
because you're answering me.
Whoa, I didn't hear that either.
Here we go, b*tches!
Ma'am, you've gotta get down.
Oh, sh*t.
Whoo-hoo!
Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
It's over. Show's over, okay?
You, you're out of here.
You're done, come on.
No. You're out of here.
Go back behind the bar
and start making more drinks for my friends.
These aren't your friends, okay?
They like you because
you're buying them drinks.
People like you don't have friends.
- I think we're really hitting it off.
Don't you? -
Sandy Patterson.
That's me.
You're under arrest
for assault and public intoxication.
I don't think that's accurate.
Blow into this.
Oh, my pleasure.
How did I do?
Huh. Look at that.
Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.
Sh*t.
All right, cheese! There it is.
Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.
Happy birthday, Daddy.
Thank you. Thank you all for coming.
- Make a wish.
- Here we go.
Bravo!
That's great. One lungful.
I made you this, Daddy.
Thank you. Look at that.
- Did you see that, Mommy?
- I did.
Looks very expensive. Did you steal it?
This looks very expensive.
Little thief! You know what
happens to thieves? Huh?
Let me tell you what happens to a thief.
This is your punishment.
- Be careful!
- Just the face!
There it is. That's what you get!
Do you see? Don't steal things.
All right, let's get a knife,
I want to start on this.
Come on, not on your birthday.
After rent, utilities, gas and phone,
we saved a little this month.
Ooh! How much?
$14.03.
Half of that's mine, you know.
You're welcome. Invest it wisely.
What about your bonus?
They got canceled again.
It's the financial industry,
I can't exactly argue things are going well.
- You're gonna get promoted.
- Mmm-hmm.
You're going to. It's fine, we're fine.
I know. We are pregnant, though.
I'm pregnant.
Look at me. We're fine.
Until braces and college and weddings.
Maybe this one's a boy
and we can send him to work.
Like, in a mine.
Yeah. It's a reasonable plan.
Oh!
I have one more present for you to unwrap.
Oh!
Why don't we...
Let's go, let's go. Let's go to a room.
I rented a room in the back.
- Patterson.
- Hi, good morning.
Good morning.
Hey. Did I ask you to pay
for the Westfield sweep account
under the holding corp?
Yeah.
Sh*t. It was supposed to...
Supposed to be under the subsidiary,
so you could roll over the qualified plan.
I did it both ways. I had a feeling.
I knew you would.
I'll e-mail it to you.
You're the best, Patterson.
- Sandy.
- Yeah?
Cornish wants you in his office.
- Hey, cheese dick.
- Cheese dick? Me?
I wanna talk to you.
- You got a minute?
- Yeah, sorry.
What have you been up to?
Oh, I just got here, actually.
Just starting...
- I got the thing.
- Oh, you got the thing.
Uh-huh. Well, we could go...
Okay, well, we'll meet then.
I'm gonna need you to do something for me.
- That one mine?
- Yeah, you.
Anything. She said come on in.
All right, good.
- Was that...
- Yes.
You're not gonna. Good.
All right, thank you. You, too.
You process all the in-house
accounts, right?
I do.
I need you to cut some bonus checks for me.
Bonus checks! We have not...
Oh, that's great.
We have not had them for three years,
I heard we weren't getting them again.
Yeah, it's not a company-wide bonus, though.
It's only on the partner level.
It's for retention.
Not for us.
The checks are being cut to the people
on that list, who are all partners,
but the retention program is to
keep the entire company healthy.
But there's no money going to...
We survived a terrible,
terrible moment in our history,
and we retained 60% of the workforce.
Lost 40, though.
Those are pretty impressive numbers,
so I think everybody
should be happy about this.
Well, this is great news.
I don't understand the tone of your voice.
You're acting like it's a...
No, I was just so excited
because we haven't had
the bonuses for three years.
The company's doing well,
I thought maybe this was the day.
Okay. Just because
Harry Cornish gets a bonus
doesn't necessarily mean that Peterson...
What's your first name, Peterson?
It's Sandy Patterson.
Was that rough?
The first name is... No, it's Sandy Koufax.
Oh, right.
My dad was a big ball fan.
Let me go cut these checks.
You watch baseball?
It just sounded funny, the way you said it.
I'll leave that one alone,
it's your dad.
Oh, yeah. No.
Seriously, though,
what is it exactly that you do?
I manage the in-house accounts, sir.
So, essentially, you do what the program
that my wife uses, called Quicken, does.
- Well...
- You put numbers in boxes.
You could train a baboon to do it,
if you had to.
The fact of the matter is,
the economy is changing.
People like me are important.
We bring the money in
and pay people like you with it.
You understand?
You know what? I'm gonna get
you a copy of The Fountainhead.
You're gonna read it, you're gonna
understand why this is good for everybody.
All right. Let's do it today,
because I gotta get on the plane,
'cause I gotta go to Tahiti.
You're gonna go to Tahiti today?
Yeah, I'm going today.
Not private, either. Commercial.
- Sure.
- We all have to take a haircut.
- Private would be excessive. Not you.
- All right.
Man.
Sandy Patterson.
Hello, Sandy,
I'm Jeanette from Lady's Choice Salon.
I'm calling to confirm your
appointment for this Friday at 3:00.
Sorry, you've got the wrong number.
Oh, is this Sandy Bigelow Patterson?
Yeah. But...
"407." Where is that?
Winter Park, Florida.
Okay. You've got Denver, here.
How did you dial this number?
Well, you didn't leave one when you
made the appointment, so we googled you.
I see. Well, you've got the wrong...
Sorry, buddy.
Can you meet me in the parking garage?
Level 7B.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Hey. He's here.
What's this? What's going on?
Is everything all right?
You like getting f***ed?
Because that is what's happening upstairs.
Aren't you sick of
getting f***ed by Cornish?
Yeah, I'm a little sore.
We don't like it either.
That's why we're leaving.
We're starting our own firm.
We're taking all our clients.
Come with us.
Come with you?
Sandy, you're the best at what you do.
You'd be a VP. You'll have your own office.
What are you making right now?
I make 50.
How about 250?
When are you doing this?
Now.
Now. Today, now?
Come on.
Could I have everybody's attention please?
The six of us are leaving
to start a new company.
You now have our new contact information.
If you think of yourself as a cog,
we're not interested.
But if you want to be
a part of building something,
if you want to be a part of
changing this awful business,
stand up now and join us.
That's wonderful, everybody.
Isn't that inspiring?
A start-up.
Please, I invite you,
anybody who wants to join this fellow,
I'm considering it myself.
But if you do join these traitors,
you will live to regret it.
Because this firm has offices
in 20 cities in three continents,
and you do not want us as an enemy.
Last chance. Who's with us?
- I am.
- Who said that?
I did.
Sandy. Anybody else want to join him?
All he's got are threats, people.
And all they have is Sandy.
You better pray this works.
You better pray this works, Sandy.
You better pray this works,
because I'm coming for you.
And I'm killing you everywhere.
Don't come crawling back!
What?
Oh! Boy, that's nice.
That looks good, that looks good.
I lost my wedding ring. Shh!
Fifteen years of marriage.
Can you believe that?
- May I see your ID?
- Mmm-hmm.
Yes, you can.
Sandy Bigelow Patterson.
We just got married back in St. Paul.
Yeah. Howard's a surgeon.
So, he fixes smiles.
Yeah, he's kind of the big guy for teeth.
My friends took me out for my birthday.
They made a big deal out of me turning 30.
I was like, "Thirty, what? No way."
I mean, I hit it pretty
hard in my twenties, so...
Do you like to hit it hard?
I bet you do. I bet you can hit that
so hard.
There we go, okay.
Let's get them off it.
Ma'am? Ma'am.
What the f***?
Ma'am, your card was declined.
Oh, yeah.
Here, use this one.
That one's done.
Great.
Hi. Good morning.
Something wrong with pump five.
It's not taking my card.
Thanks.
You don't pay your bills, man.
I gotta cut the card.
"Cut the card."
No, I absolutely pay my bills.
Run it one more time.
Nothing wrong with that card.
That's not what it says right here.
I don't care what the screen says.
Maybe it's broken.
I'll go somewhere else.
You're not cutting that card.
Cutting the card? That's ridiculous.
Tell you what, I'll go somewhere else.
You go somewhere else?
Look, that's my papi.
He owns this store.
- He says cut the card.
- Senior.
- If you don't pay your bills...
- My bills are paid.
Oh, your bills are paid.
I gotta cut the card.
Do not cut that card.
I'm gonna cut the card. I just cut the card.
- Go pay your bills, Randy.
- It's Sandy.
Sandy?
How's my credit exceeded?
Well, Mr. Patterson,
your balance is $12,243.67.
That's absurd.
I use the card for gas and for coffee.
I'm showing $4,345
from Great Beyond Water Sports.
Well, I'll stop you there,
because I've never heard of that place.
"Great Beyond Water Sports"?
Nope, I've never been there.
This guy is making salon appointments,
he's buying beach equipment.
He's maxing out my credit card.
Are you Sandy Bigelow Patterson,
born May 18th, 1974?
That is you, correct?
Yeah, but it's not me doing this stuff.
I've never even been to the state.
I'm here with you guys.
I'm in Colorado. How can I be in Florida?
Call Winter Park PD. Pull the mug shot.
Okay, uncuff him.
Uncuff me. That's great.
Can I see?
Whoa.
Is that a woman?
If I had to guess,
it's the woman that stole your identity,
obviously taking advantage
of the fact that you have a female name.
Oh, it's not female, it's unisex.
When you say "stole my identity,"
do you mean credit card fraud?
Oh, no, no, it's a lot worse than that.
What happens is,
they get a hold of your name,
your birthday, Social Security.
And then they run up debt,
get arrested, commit crimes as you.
What do you do now?
You go down, you go get her?
Oh, no, we don't go get anyone.
Let me walk you out.
See, we're Denver PD.
All we do is open and close the case.
Now, if she buys something on Amazon,
then Seattle PD would investigate.
Your mobile company's in Ohio,
then Cleveland PD handles that.
Then so on and so forth
for every single theft.
Well, hang on. How long does all this take?
About six months to a year.
A year?
Yeah. So why don't you go ahead
and just leave your contact information
with this gentleman here?
You might want to hold on to this mug shot
in case you may need it.
Great. Okay.
Listen, I'm gonna need this solved
a whole lot quicker than a year, Detective.
Okay, listen, I understand
that this is really frustrating for you,
but our percentage rate
in solving these cases is pretty high.
Yeah? How many?
About 5% to 10%.
That's garbage.
We'll be in touch with you, Sandy.
- Hi, I'm Sandy...
- Mr. Patterson.
- I know who you are. I'm Jessica.
- Hi.
Welcome.
Anything you need, just ask.
Your office is right over there.
Office. Nice to meet you.
- Patterson?
- Sorry.
I had a hell of a morning.
- Listen to this.
- Can you explain this to me?
What do you got?
These are e-mails I received
from a couple of prospective clients.
No, no, no.
You defaulted on six credit cards?
- No, I didn't, actually.
- You did.
- No.
- You have nine other delinquencies.
This is what my morning's been all about.
Your credit score's a 240. A 240!
There are homeless people
with better numbers than that, Sandy.
Dude, you have a warrant
out for your arrest.
This is a financial institution.
How am I supposed to give you access
to $5 billion in funds?
My identity's been stolen.
I was at the police station all morning.
Don't worry about it, though.
I'm gonna get on the phone,
I'm going to clean it up.
They can run my credit tomorrow
and it's gonna be fine, okay?
What the f*** is this?
- Those are cops!
- That's my guy.
This is the detective
that's handling my case.
Hi. I was just
filling my boss in on our situation.
Did you find her?
Do you have some good news?
No, I'm sorry,
we don't have any good news.
Soon after you left,
we got a call from Orlando Metro.
They just busted a narcotics dealer
named Paolo Gordon.
Your name and your credit cards
turned up in connection
with the investigation.
Ah! This...
One of my colleagues spoke
to your former employer, Mr. Harold Cornish.
Yeah.
And he said that, in fact,
you are a drug dealer.
That's... He's a f***ing liar.
I've got a warrant to search the premises.
- For drugs.
- Oh.
And guns.
And guns.
- This is a waste of time.
- I understand.
It's not me, it's the woman in the picture.
- Just doing my job.
- I need to put that out.
Okay.
Okay, guys, let's...
Okay, we're done.
You can let your employees back in now.
Thank you.
- So, no Oxy?
- No, no Oxy.
Did you find my weapons?
I'm not an idiot, Mr. Patterson, okay?
I know almost certainly
it's the woman in Florida.
Yeah.
But until we know for sure
that you didn't do this,
it's an open investigation.
For narcotics.
Let me walk you out.
We're gonna have to
talk about our options.
I think we got to let you go.
I know where she is. Hey!
I know exactly where she's gonna be
tomorrow afternoon.
If I tell you, you can tell
the Winter Park Police Department,
they can grab her, and we're done.
- No, no, it doesn't work like that.
- Why not?
Well, they'd have to
bring her up on local charges first.
And it would pretty much
be about a year before we get a shot at her.
I mean, she'd have to be
standing right here to do you any good.
That's the new standard of police work?
The criminal's got
to be standing right in front of you?
- Have a good day.
- Hang on, hang on.
If they won't bring her here,
what if I bring her here?
What if, somehow, I get her here,
and I put her right in front of you,
she gives you a full statement
and owns up to everything?
Then we'd be done, wouldn't we?
Oh, I wouldn't recommend
that, Mr. Patterson.
You see, criminals generally just don't
volunteer confessions to policemen.
All right, what about this?
What about if I ask her to talk to you?
Because she cost me my job
and I want to get my job back,
and in return, I don't press any charges.
She doesn't have to worry about me.
There's no cops.
But there are cops.
You're down the hall,
you're listening to a thing. I'm wearing...
What? That's ridiculous.
No, no, no, this sort of thing
- tends to work pretty well.
- Right?
And we do have enough
for an eavesdrop warrant.
No, no. Sandy, I need somebody
here doing the work right now.
I'm the best at what I do.
Those are your words.
I'm just looking for a little bit of time.
We don't have time.
I'm supposed to put everything on hold?
We have clients!
Listen, I gave up everything because
I believe in you. Just believe in me.
Come on, you know me. Come on, Daniel.
- I'll give you one week.
- Really?
But that's it.
That's all I need. Thank you.
One week, Patterson!
I'm calling to confirm
my wife's appointment for tomorrow at 3:00.
Thank you. She ended up
making the appointment.
I didn't realize that
she's gonna be in the area.
Anyway, I need your address
because she lost it.
Okay. Got it. Thank you.
She'll see you tomorrow at 3:00. Bye-bye.
Okay. I've got cash for the plane ticket,
I've got my sock money.
- Did you call the cab?
- Don't do this.
Don't start this again.
Trish, I need you to just hang in there.
This is not who we are.
- You're not Batman.
- Do not unpack this.
Please, I can't refold all this stuff.
- Do you even know how to use those?
- It's just in case.
It is my only option.
It is our only option.
Let me see the picture of her again.
Make you feel better to see that?
Uh-huh.
Yeah. She's not dangerous.
That number right there is her height.
It's hobbit height.
I'm going after Bilbo.
Yeah, I can do this, I really can.
But I can't do it without your support.
Okay? Please trust me.
Thank you.
If all goes well,
I'll be right back here tomorrow night.
Also, I borrowed your anxiety pills
because I might have to
coax her onto the airplane.
Oh, good. Okay, that's fine
'cause why would I need those right now?
I'll call you when I land, okay?
Goodbye, you guys.
Daddy, the TV's broken.
Oh. Well, you know. Come here.
Some things are broken,
but only for a few days.
That's why I have to go on this trip
to pretty much the worst place in America.
But Daddy's gonna fix these problems.
When I get back, it's all gonna be perfect.
I promise, okay? Come here.
It's too late for TV anyway,
you guys are going to bed.
Do some drawing, and then PJs. Goodbye.
Go get this b*tch.
Roger.
Ooh!
Okay.
Okay.
My neck. Oh, man, I taste blood.
Oh, jeez.
You got an injury.
- Oh, my neck. My neck got it.
- Sorry about that.
I didn't assume
you were gonna come to a full stop
in the middle of the highway.
Oh, a mama badger
and a baby crossing the road.
A badger, huh?
Yeah. Oh, my God.
My fibromyalgia's
just shooting down my spine.
Jeez Louise.
No, this is totally my fault.
You got your license on you?
Why don't we swap information?
We can get
the insurance companies involved.
I guess that's what it comes to.
I hate to tell you,
but that's a custom paint job. Thank you.
You know, if it's okay with you,
I'm okay and I'm cool with just doing cash.
Yeah, cash would be a lot easier,
wouldn't it, Sandy Bigelow Patterson?
Yeah.
Bigelow is such a rare name.
Well, it's a family name, you know.
It goes back to the Mayflower.
Is that right?
Yeah. Jeremiah Bigelow.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Pretty prominent bear hunter.
- Sounds brave.
- Kind of a big deal.
Here's my license with my name right there.
Sandy Bigelow Patterson.
Gotcha.
Ow! Not my hair, you f***!
You're not going anywhere.
Get out of the car!
Ow! Keep it!
Took the lift out of the crown!
I f***ing just had it done!
No, no, no!
What, are you crazy?
What are you doing?
You're looking for these?
You're not gonna find them, stupid.
See you, Sandy!
Oh, come on.
Hi.
Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time?
No, great time. What's going on, honey?
We just got a call
from a debt collector from Fiat Automotive.
They said we're behind on some payments.
A call from a...
From a debt collector, huh?
I guess she bought herself a car.
Well, honey, that is just...
You sound really weird.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
Let's see what kind of crap
you have in your bag, Sandy Patterson.
Here you go. Thanks.
Ooh! Nice.
- Ding-dong!
- Sh*t.
Put it down.
- Now, we're gonna have a little chat.
- Okay.
Okay? We can do it the hard way,
or we can do it the easy way.
I'd like to pick the easy way.
Get over here and give me your wrists.
Okay.
Now, I have a plan...
Sh*t! I'm a lady, you f***ing animal.
Give me your wrist. Stop fighting me.
Yeah, I'll fight it. You
like that? You like that?
How about that? You like hitting girls?
Sandy? This isn't cute, Sandy!
Stay down!
Oh, sh*t!
Sh*t.
Sh*t, sh*t. Ow!
Ha!
Stay down.
You threw like a f***ing girl.
Now, once you hear my plan,
you're gonna wanna come with me.
I'm not going anywhere with you!
- F*** you, Sandy.
- Damn it. Stop right there and listen to me.
No, go home to your shitty wife
and your f***ing dumbass kids.
Stop right there!
Why did you do that?
You did that.
Well, that was not the easy way.
I loved that guitar. I'm gonna sue you.
You're gonna sue me?
Really, you're gonna sue me?
Enjoy the empty accounts.
I'll be taking my car keys.
And what are these?
These are future victims?
Put my sh*t down.
They can thank me later.
Is that how you buy all this crap?
What do you need this for?
You're sick.
This stuff is things I use
for my charity that I help children with.
For the what?
For my children's charity, you dick.
Oh, that makes sense. I apologize.
Now, you're coming with me.
Give me your wrist.
What's your name, by the way?
- Julia.
- Julia?
Diana!
Open the f***ing door!
Sh*t!
Who's that?
Just changing my clothes. I'll be right out!
Don't lie to me.
Those credit cards you sold Paolo were sh*t.
No, no, no, it's a misunderstanding.
It will be so funny
when I explain it to you guys.
You're coming with us, now!
Just give me the car keys.
No, you're not taking the car again.
Sh*t!
Go, go, go!
What? What the...
You little b*tch.
You just make friends
wherever you go, huh?
- Who were those people?
- Don't worry about it.
And what the hell is that?
Is that a bobby pin?
Yep, sure as sh*t is.
You're wasting your time.
That's not coming off.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
How about you just apologize
for getting me shot at?
I'm not gonna apologize for that
because you should not
have broken into my home.
So, it's a little lesson for you, Sandy.
- Pull over.
- I'm not pulling over.
We're going to an airport
and we're taking
the first flight to Denver, Diana.
Why don't you pull over
before I kick your ass again?
As soon as I explain it,
you're gonna come with me. All right?
I'll tell you what, why don't we find a bar,
we calm down a little bit...
I buy you a drink, I talk, you listen?
Does that sound fair?
That sounds fair, Sandy.
You'll behave yourself if we find a bar?
- Oh, totally.
- Great.
Yeah, I'll behave myself
because you will have probably dosed me
with a shitload of Trish Patterson's Xanax.
Hey, when did you get those?
I had two hands down your pants,
and you didn't notice,
so you should deal with that.
F***ing dead below the waist.
You're disgusting.
Just pull the car over.
- Is that what you want?
- Yes.
Jesus Christ, yes.
Here you go. You're sure?
Right in the middle of the highway.
Yeah, right in the middle of the highway.
Really?
All right. I'll tell you what, then.
I'll just call the police
and I'll tell them that there's a criminal
out here with a known warrant
just hanging around the highway.
I got a lot of evidence they'd like to see.
You got nothing.
Hey! I'm calling the police right now.
Good luck, pal. I'll be long gone.
It's ringing.
What are you, a f***ing Kenyan?
Listen, I just need you to talk to my boss.
That's it. And I won't press charges, okay?
I'm losing my job because of you.
- Your job?
- That's right.
I didn't fire you.
- Effectively, you did.
- I don't think I did.
And I don't wanna go to Colorado
and meet your anxious wife.
You're right, she is anxious.
She's very anxious.
You wanna know why?
Because we have two daughters
and a third on the way.
We live in a very, very small apartment,
about half the size
of that house I bet you stole.
Hey, I worked hard for that house.
I'm proud of it.
I have a seven-year amorticized sub-rate...
It's amortized.
Well, I can't get into that.
You're not gonna get it.
Enough, all right?
This is a free trip, okay?
It's on me, all right?
No cops.
All you need to do is
talk to my boss, that's it.
And then we're done.
That's all. It's very simple.
Come on, it's in Denver.
You're gonna love it.
There's nobody shooting at you there.
You stay here, they're gonna find you.
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on.
This is ridiculous.
Sh*t.
You blow a tire?
Yeah, I blew a f***ing tire.
Why don't you rest that in the car?
Put the air on.
I won't talk to the cops.
Right, no cops. I said that.
And don't lie to me.
I'm not. I'm not lying, I swear.
Yeah? You swear on your kids?
Yeah, swear on your kids.
Yes, I swear on my kids.
Shotgun.
I'll need the keys.
Here you go.
Thank you.
- Yeah?
- Did you get her?
Almost.
Almost?
Okay, then I almost won't kill you
when I get out of here.
She's a nobody
who sells credit cards she already used.
We'll get the money back.
It is beyond that, Marisol.
Now, this nobody of yours is
causing me a big problem.
She's become a liability.
One of her cards tipped off the cops.
She gotta go.
You get Julian and you get it done.
Okay, but she's with some guy.
You kill her, you kill him,
you kill anyone you need to.
Okay.
Speed this sh*t up, we gotta go.
- I don't work for you.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Hank!
You got it, Paolo.
So, I was wondering,
how is it that we're getting on that plane?
I already have my ticket,
and I brought cash for yours.
Are we both going
to show our Sandy Bigelow Patterson,
same birthday, everything, at the same time?
Let the airline just
have a field day with that, or...
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Son of a b*tch!
Well, we're driving now.
We're driving, then.
Okay.
Oh! I can't believe I missed that.
You've gotta feel so dumb.
Please don't.
Think we just need a little music.
Dude, I can hit this.
Hello? Yeah? What do you got?
Got a runner. Pays 50 K.
- 50 K?
- Uh-huh.
You got a name?
Sandy Patterson.
She skipped a few court dates.
Any leads?
Yeah, she just swiped a credit card
at a place near you called Lady's Choice.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're closed.
Do you know a Sandy Patterson? A customer?
Used a credit card here
earlier today around 4:00?
You her boyfriend or something?
Oh, no, no.
No. I'm a skiptracer. A collector.
Like a bounty hunter.
I find people that owe money
and I bring them back to where they belong.
Oh, this Sandy, she owe a lot?
Yeah, well, they don't send me for a little.
No, she jumped bail
and I've been hired to bring her back.
I would like to help you out,
but I ain't supposed to
share client information, so...
Of course, I understand.
This is a nice place.
Yeah.
I hear this stuff's pretty flammable.
Be a shame if your
place of employment burned to sh*t.
You want to show me
where that appointment book is?
There you go.
Oh, jeez.
I really do appreciate your help.
Go on. Take it.
Now, how about a smile?
Look at you light up a room.
I'm gonna have a hard time
forgetting that face.
You go on and forget about this one.
Yeah, not what I was planning,
but I will be home
on Sunday or Monday by the latest.
It is what it is, I guess.
How are the girls?
Okay. I love you, too.
I'll call you later. Bye.
How long have you guys been together?
I'm not going to talk about myself.
Or my family. You're never going
to know anything about me.
There's nothing wrong
with being a simple guy.
I'm just a simple gal.
From Wisconsin.
You know? I'm a cheesehead.
Fascinating.
I'm from Morganville.
It's a little, tiny town, but charming.
I don't care.
Mom's 70. Still working.
Dad retired about, I guess, two and a...
I want to say two and a half years.
Two, two and a half...
- Jesus Christ.
- Two and a half years ago.
He was a principal at a middle school.
They sound so normal.
How'd they have
a criminal a**hole for a daughter
who just goes around
wrecking people's lives?
How'd that work out?
I think you're painting it with
the most negative brush possible.
I bet that they would paint it
the same exact way.
- I mean, what you do is...
- I use the system.
- I use the system that's provided...
- You cheat the system.
Now, the fact that I...
No, I do not cheat the system.
I use the system. If there's a loophole,
and I go through the loophole,
I'm not doing anything wrong.
You create a lot of destruction.
You know, it's not my fault
if people don't check their own finances.
All you do is make one call
to the credit card company,
they take the charge off.
It's a victimless crime...
You don't take any accountability for this?
It's not a victimless... I'm a victim!
We're kind of in the midst
of a pivotal moment here, you know?
This is...
I think we might want to take stock of this.
We're kind of bonding.
It's kind of like family,
or brother and sister,
if brother and sister were
pretty attracted to each other.
We are just driving to Denver.
There will be nothing else.
I just thought,
in the spirit of honesty, I'd put out there
that I visually enjoy you.
Hmm.
And I've always, you know,
really liked tall men.
What are you talking... I'm average height.
Not to me, stretch.
Great.
Look at that. See that? "Adventure."
I love that.
When are we going to pull over?
We're not.
You know, they say driving
tired is more dangerous than driving drunk
and that's a statistical fact.
I doubt it.
You know, I drive drunk all the time.
Never had a problem. I slept-drove
once and I smashed into an Arby's.
Take a nap.
- All right. Whatever you say. Going down.
- Thank you.
Uh-oh.
What happened?
You look taller from down here.
Welcome to the Colonnade.
How y'all doing?
Good. We're famished, though.
We just drove all the way from Gibson, so.
You know what, do you think we can maybe
have a booth instead of a table?
It's just it's real hard
for Walt there to sit on a hard chair,
'cause of his accident and he, uh...
You know what I mean? He doesn't...
Just right at the base.
- Okay?
- Okay. Yeah.
Come on.
Oh! This is nice.
It's nice and soft, Walt. You like that.
Just leave me out of the school plays, okay?
I'm not comfortable with it.
Now, I have allotted us each $8 per meal,
so it looks like you can get one of the...
One of the salads or a soup or...
Sorry, I'm quick.
The tomato soup for me,
please. That'll do it.
I'm going to take a full
slab of the baby backs,
and I'm going to take
that with mashed taters,
hushpuppies and I'm
going to have a sweet tea.
The f*** you are.
I don't know what that means.
I asked you to eat less food.
What is wrong with you?
This is a beautiful woman.
You let her eat.
No, he's right.
You know, I've put on a little bit of weight
because of all the stress.
Walter is a fireman.
Yeah. It's okay, it's okay.
He was in a pretty intense...
She doesn't care.
...accident last year,
and he injured his male parts.
- Oh.
- They're just shredded down there.
And now he can't work.
He wants to fight fires,
and he wants to pee standing up.
Don't you want to pee standing up?
I know you do, but he can't.
Just bring two soups.
And he can't lay with me
like a husband should,
on account of the injury.
And I don't even need him to,
but he gets mad at me,
and takes his anger out on me.
And then I feel bad about myself
and I feel ugly, and then I eat.
Lord knows, I know I eat. I know I do.
No, no. You just wait right here,
sweetheart, okay?
Okay.
I'm going to wait right here.
God.
You're breaking the rules.
You understand that?
You're breaking the rules.
Society can't function without rules.
Ah.
You follow the rules, right?
I sure do.
Oh, yeah, how's that working out for you?
Yeah. Hold on just a minute.
This is from the buffet,
and it is on the house.
That's so sweet.
Enjoy your soup.
And if you have to pee,
the ladies' room is right back there.
- God bless you. God bless you.
- All right. Okay, okay.
You know what a sociopath is?
Do they like ribs?
Hey, how you doing?
I need one room, two beds, please.
Oh, sorry.
We only have single beds left tonight.
- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.
We don't really mind.
I mean, it's an inconvenience,
but my husband can't really
digest stuff anyway
because of his intestinal surgery,
so just comp us the mini-bar.
He can digest Pringles.
Right, that's right. I'm Walt.
This is the wife, Myra.
She's a functional idiot.
Wears diapers like a chimp.
I'm running her down to Disneyland.
She loves the noise and the sugar.
He's just tired from the drive.
We're going to have to figure out
the mattress thing
because even though I
can't have sex with her
due to my cock and balls getting shot off
in an apparent warehouse fire...
Oh, sh*t.
I wouldn't share a bed with her anyway.
I'd much rather sleep on the floor.
Do you want to know why?
Because you got no dick?
Close. It's because she repulses me.
She's the worst person I've ever met.
Screw you. You got a bar?
Yeah, the Foxhole. It's across the lot.
- Thank you.
- You're not going to the Foxhole.
Hey. I don't need to go to Denver.
You need me to go to Denver.
No splitting up.
Do you still want the room?
Yeah, I do, real quick.
F***ing chimp on the loose.
It's not my business,
I'm really sorry about your dick,
but you got to treat your lady better,
or somebody else is gonna.
Appreciate it. Are we
on the set of your talk show right now?
Do you know what? Being nice is a choice.
Can I just get the f***ing key?
Uh... Oh! Are you in a hurry?
Oh, no.
I have to go get this magnetized,
because it wasn't magnetized properly.
This might take a while.
Can I have a double melon ball?
Thanks.
Is that a melon ball?
Yep.
Do you like milkshakes?
I'm just trying to have a drink.
Sorry, that probably sounded
like a dumb pickup line, I apologize.
I don't like milkshakes, I love them.
You're going to flip out over these.
Stu, mix us up two grasshoppers.
Oh!
I'm Big Chuck.
Yes, you are.
I'm Margie.
- Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- You, too.
I love a man that wears jewelry.
Thank you very much.
I like my turquoise like I like my women,
- American and top-grade.
- Oh!
100%.
100%.
To you.
You know what they say about grasshoppers?
Mmm-mmm.
Hard on the outside
and soft and creamy on the inside.
Oh, I always like soft and creamy.
- I'm soft and creamy.
- I know you are.
Why don't we go make sure
that table's okay?
Looks like it's in danger.
Let me get your bag.
I'd like you to get that,
like you to get that.
I'll just get your drink for you.
- Why don't you get that?
- I'll get that.
You wait here. I'll be right back.
I'm back.
Agile.
Quick like a panther.
- Cheers to you.
- Cheers to you.
Release it. Let it burn.
Mmm! Mmm mmm mmm.
Down it goes.
Hey.
You're here five minutes,
you already made a friend, huh?
This must be Walter.
- Walter.
- Hello.
- Howdy, Walt. I'm Big Chuck.
- Hi, there.
I got to tell you,
this little Margie is quite a lady.
- Oh, "Margie"?
- Sit your ass down.
- Drinks are on me. Stu's going
to set you up. - I wish I could.
Stu, let's get Walt a round.
His dick's broken.
It's much, much too late.
Never mind, Stu. I got to...
Honey, I got to get you out of here.
Here's the thing, I don't want to go.
But it's super late.
We got to get all the way
to St. Louis tomorrow, so...
Then you should go, honey.
But you are with me, honey.
All right, listen up. I don't want to
get between husband and wife.
You're not.
You're not, believe me. Is it Chuck?
- Yeah, Big Chuck.
- Big Chuck.
You're not, Big Chuck. I get it. So, can we?
I think we got a good one.
What is that?
I think we got a good one.
Listen, I'm going to tell you
what's going on.
Walt likes to watch.
Walt's a watcher.
Oh!
No.
You like to spectate, huh?
That's funky, man.
- You like a show?
- He loves it.
- Okay.
- He likes to just plan it all out,
like what he's gonna say
and his little outfit.
His gray shirt
and his stupid hands on his hips.
He's like, "I'm gonna come in and say,
"'What are you doing with my wife? '"
But what he really wants is...
He likes to watch me with other men.
He does?
Yeah, that's how he gets aroused.
You got a little bone-bone now, huh?
I'd really like to go, though.
Here we go. It's time to go. He said so.
Yeah.
And I'm going to go out on the dance floor
and we're going to dance real slow.
No, no, no.
And we're going to dance real close,
and you can stay and watch.
Or you can go. That's your choice.
I can't go. You know I can't go.
Thanks for your help, pal.
Well, well. We got us a watcher.
Ohhh! We got a watcher!
Honey, look.
Walt!
Let's drop this sucker into first.
- Let's take this party up to the room.
- All right.
Do you realize how long it's been
since I've been touched below the waist?
It's been a long time.
You really want me to answer that?
- Ain't happening tonight, either.
- Oh, yes, it is!
- Hey, you snuck up on me.
- Hey!
Come on.
Thanks for the walk home.
We made it, but as you can see,
I am getting ready for bed.
Please say your goodnights.
No, no, meaning, "Leave, please."
Don't shut the door. Leave it...
Good night.
Now what do I do?
Oh, now, this is his favorite part.
Okay.
He likes to be humiliated verbally.
No, I don't.
You little sissy boy. Huh?
It's enough of this.
Sissy boy, huh? You hard now?
I'm inverted.
Now it's time to give him
the Big Chuck show.
No need for the show. Put it back on.
Mmm-mmm. I've had enough show.
Oh! Shake it, shake it, shake it!
Ohhh! Look at him peeking over here.
I can't let her out of my sight.
He's not going anywhere.
You are right in his sweet spot.
Now what do I do?
I want you to take him physically.
Let's not cross a line. Hey, Chas.
- Relax, Walt.
- Friend.
Big Chuck likes to share.
I don't want anything you've got.
Why don't you and me share?
Okay. God damn it.
I'm sleeping in the bathroom.
Oh! Here it comes.
- There it was, right there.
- Uh-oh!
Looks like it's just me and you now.
It sure is.
I'm going to make tonight so special.
Backing up. Oh, no!
You know what?
I'm going to swim in there.
I'm going to make you
one of my special famous cocktails.
Well, I hope that cocktail has a punch.
Oh, you know what? You're going to love it.
I'm going to love it because you made it.
It's going to be so good.
I don't know if I can do this.
Yeah, that's okay.
I wasn't really in the mood for it anyway.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not a big deal.
It's just that I ain't been with another
woman since my wife passed.
And I'm sorry, because here you are,
and you're so beautiful.
And you're so colorful.
You look like Dorothy from The Oz.
Flowers.
And I do, I appreciate y'all
inviting me up here
to your super f***ing weird sexual tryst,
but I'm scared.
Oh, Big Chuck.
I do like you.
I really do.
Margie.
Yes?
I do want to make love to you.
Yeah, why don't
you bring her to the Atlanta office?
It's right off the 75...
Excuse me, sir. Did you take my friend?
I gotta go. No.
Come on, I saw you take her.
Well, then don't ask me, shithead.
Sandy! Get me out of this f***ing van!
I got it.
Hey! Can you pull over, pal? I need her.
Your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Watch out.
Hey! You get back there!
Hey, buddy.
That's not Sandy Patterson.
- Yes, it is.
- No, you got the wrong guy.
It's me, I'm Sandy Patterson.
No, Sandy's a girl's name.
It's not, it's unisex!
What, like a hermaphrodite?
Sandy!
F*** you, tranny!
Get me out of this van.
Hey, hey, hey!
Sh*t.
Hey, hey, I got her first. Pull over.
- You can't have her!
- Sh*t!
Sh*t.
Motherf***er.
Listen, God damn it!
- Ram him.
- Do what?
Ram the quarter panel.
I don't have collision on this!
I don't give a sh*t! Ram him!
I'm not doing it.
You son of a b*tch.
- Get in the back!
- No!
Get off of me, you a**hole!
Sh*t.
Did you punch him in the neck?
I can't get him off the wheel.
Pull over to the side.
I can't get him off the wheel. Ram him.
I'm not comfortable with it!
I don't give a sh*t! Ram that panel!
Sh*t.
Hit it harder, you f***ing vagina!
I'm going to be sick.
You okay?
Are you all right? You're bleeding.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, sh*t.
That was so violent.
Tell me you're all right.
I am all right. Yeah.
Okay. All right, okay.
Oh, God.
Okay. All right.
This guy does not look great.
Hey!
Oh, God.
Maybe he's just...
That doesn't look good.
I can't believe I did that.
You did it. You did it.
God, you did it too hard.
I tried a small one on the first one.
And you said... What did you call me?
I called you names, okay?
Your rental car
doesn't even have a scratch on it.
Yeah, that's great news. The car is fine.
What's more important...
God. My glasses were in there.
Well, you've come to the right man.
Anybody looking
to buy or sell anything around here,
they come through me.
All right. How much is this one?
That one is 350,000.
350?
I can get this for 100,000,
easy, at a short sale.
Well, I'm impressed.
Clearly, you both have done your research.
So, I'm also sure that you know
that this is a traditional community.
What this means? "Traditional"?
It means no homosexuals.
It means no foreigners.
It means no blacks.
We are two of those things.
Hey, you two of these things.
I mean, around these parts,
you're basically black.
And a foreigner. I'm just black.
Now, understand, me myself?
I am not a judgmental man.
But you should know
that the buyers and the sellers here,
their values are more...
Traditional.
Bingo, sister.
Traditional, like meeting
whores at hotel bars?
Who are you?
Your whore, she's in a rental car.
We called up our friends in the company,
they look up the Lo-yack.
The what?
LoJack. Foreigners, they can't say "J's."
And they say it's at a hotel.
The people at the hotel gave us a story
about you and another man and her,
all sexing together in a pile.
It's disgusting.
But to answer your question,
the Lo-yack is an excellent product.
It makes our work much easy.
What kind of work?
This our work.
Oh.
Very traditional.
Know what I'm saying, Chuck?
Now, who is she with,
and where is she going?
It's not a true allergy,
but there's definitely a sensitivity.
I need that other roll of tape.
What are you doing? Is he still... Tape?
I need the other roll of tape.
You're taping him?
Oh, Jesus, it's here. Yes, I'm taping him.
No, no. Oh, no!
God damn it!
I told you it was going to overheat.
I said you better coast down the hill.
How am I supposed to
propel down the f***ing highway in neutral?
I said I could show you.
I'm going to give you a juice.
It's fruit punch.
Yeah, that's nice and juicy.
These are nice, I'll tell you that.
God, you keep yourself up.
That's just...
Oh, God, your beard smells like sandwiches.
That's nice.
Okay, listen, the...
Say goodbye to your art project.
The bus station's down the road.
- We can walk it. Let's go.
- Coming.
Wherever you are,
you better believe
I'm going to find you, or die trying.
All right.
I get it, scary, survival, end-of-days guy.
You should be nicer. I gave you juice.
No, it was a van that crashed.
A couple of people got in, drove away.
Kind of an average fella,
short gal, somewhat wide.
Took off north on the 520 right there.
Yeah, I'm fine. We're
still on course, honey.
I don't know. Where Yoda lives.
"These are not the droids
you're looking for."
Remember... Tell her that.
I know it.
Honey, you're breaking up a little bit.
Honey? Hello?
Sh*t.
How's everything going at home?
I don't know.
We didn't get that far.
Because I'm out here.
I guess I should thank you
for saving me back there.
You're a good friend.
I'm not your friend.
I am not your friend, we're not hanging out.
I heard you yell to that guy,
"Did you take my friend?"
Yeah, that's a saying.
You haven't heard that saying before?
Besides, friends don't
steal friends' identities, do they?
You're diabolical.
Well, thanks.
That's not a compliment.
I know.
Here we go. Here we go.
Aw, come on!
You're doing great.
You are going
to have to hide on the next one.
It's clearly you.
Oh, it's me.
I have never been passed up
when I got this thing out.
I don't doubt that you do
real well on the side of the road.
But I don't know why
you're not trusting this.
Stop for one second.
It is only two miles straight through there.
Two miles through the woods?
Yeah. Are you
allergic to woods or something?
Come on, you want to go
10 more miles on this road?
Get some more blisters?
Come on, that's a shortcut.
Yes? There's a yes. Finally.
I knew you were probably wrong.
I knew your phone was going to die.
I should've said something.
You knew it. What are you?
You're like a psychic, huh?
Well, you know what? I am.
I'm not going to get into it, but I am.
Really?
On top of everything else, you're a psychic.
That's amazing.
Pick a number between one and 10.
- Four.
- Four.
I know. It was a gift.
Your gifts abound. That's amazing.
I think so, too.
Then why don't you
rest your talents, Megamind.
The sun is going to be up in a few hours,
and we'll take it the rest of the way.
Hey, hey, hey. Spread out.
You've got the whole forest,
what are you doing?
It's cold. This is what
they do on Survivor.
When they want to get punched?
Get off of me.
Do you usually listen to music
before you go to bed?
No, just a lot of silence.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You're like a four-year-old.
You know, this light
is very flattering on your chin.
Oh, my God. Diana.
I'm serious, get your hand off.
I don't want to play footsies.
I'm not doing anything.
Snake! Snake! Snake!
Oh, my God!
Sh*t.
Get away from me!
Throw him! Throw him!
Oh, God, it was so close to me.
- Thanks for the help.
- You're welcome.
This is no longer our sleeping spot.
There's probably a f***ing ton of them.
They're not pack animals, Sandy.
I know they're not pack animals, okay?
But have you ever heard of a snake nest?
Oh, sh*t.
Just the mere thought of that
is going to keep me up...
Oh, God.
Don't move.
Not a problem. I'm not moving.
Sh*t, it's huge!
No sh*t. Get him off me.
Okay. I got it.
What's the plan with the fire?
What are you doing with the fire?
Get away from me with that thing.
I saw it on a television
show. Snakes hate fire.
Unless that was about spiders. I don't know.
You're going to burn me,
and you're going to piss him off.
- Get away from me.
- Be quiet and stay still.
Get away from me with that thing.
Oh, God!
That's not helping.
It just keeps looking at me.
Oh, he's tightening.
Turn your face away.
Okay.
It's almost over.
Trouble. He's got the neck.
God! Don't let it come near me.
That hurts!
That hurt. That hurts!
Oh, God.
Okay.
Okay. Go slow, fella.
Just go slow. Easy.
Where are we? What is this?
Bus station, middle of nowhere.
Whose pants are these?
I got them out of the lost and found.
It's a good fit, huh?
Yeah. Okay. Better get on a bus.
We're not getting on any bus for three days,
not to Denver.
What?
There's not a bus
from here to Denver for three days.
Hey. When's the next bus to Denver?
Wednesday.
F***! That's too late.
Phone's gone, wallet's gone
because the pants are gone.
We're done. I'm done.
I lose, you win. You're a great thief.
I got nothing left.
I got no money, I got no time,
I got no job, I got no chance.
I've got these weird pants on,
out in the middle of nowhere.
How did we get here anyway?
I carried you.
You what?
I carried you. It's not a big deal.
You were unconscious.
We were like, a half
mile from the main road.
Jesus Christ.
So, I just...
I scooped you up and flagged down a truck,
and he gave us a ride here, dropped us off.
You carried me a half mile. That's, uh...
Probably not even that far.
You get these shoes
the same place you got the pants?
No. Yeah.
The clerk said
an EMT took them off a dead hobo, so...
Come on.
He's not going to need them back, so...
A guy died in these?
Because you needed shoes.
What is the matter with you?
My socks, though...
They're your socks,
they're not dead guy socks.
I've got money in here.
I've got money. I got sock money.
We don't have...
- What the hell?
- Hey.
Why are we living like animals
if you've got money in your socks?
I've got $300
and I need to be in Denver by Tuesday.
You can get a pretty cheap car
over there at Andrew's.
Tell him Carl sent you.
He's a good man, Andrew.
He was with my sister for a bit.
Oh, yeah?
You got a beautiful yard here, Andrew.
Here's 200 of the finest.
Keys? Thank you.
Ooh! And it's got satellite.
I'm glad we're not
buying that one. Jesus.
Morning.
Morning.
I'm supposed to be
meeting some friends here.
Was there a man and a lady
come through here?
Both answer to the name Sandy.
Well,
we get tons of people through here.
- Ahhh!
- I've had a shitty day
and you got a face
that looks like a dog's a**hole.
Were they here or not?
They came through earlier.
I sent them to get a car.
Where?
Andrew's Auto Salvage.
Write it down.
I wasn't here.
Thank you.
Consider that a warning.
We need her more than you do.
Better luck next time, old man.
F*** you.
Shh!
That's what I always thought,
but then I thought,
"You know what? I'm going to do it.
"I'm going to wallpaper the garage."
And I found...
First I thought,
"Well, is that going to be crazy?"
But it's not really that crazy,
because I found something
kind of thematically on point.
You wouldn't rather just listen to this?
That's a good song.
Oh, it is a good song.
I like that. It's got tires on it.
It's wallpaper with tires,
which I thought was...
Ow!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
I think it would be so cute.
It's red and...
God damn it!
- It was one of those badgers.
- Oh.
How great is the ride on this Caprice, huh?
You know this is the last tank, right?
This is not going to get us to Denver.
You know, I could help us out.
How? Did you find some sock money?
No, I didn't find sock money.
But I've got my credit card burner.
I can get a card,
fill this tank up in 15 minutes.
I told you, this trip
will not turn me into you.
I am not saying that we have to go out
and steal from orphans and baby puppies.
No one deserves to get stolen from.
I don't know why you don't get that.
Just drop it.
I get it, I just find it bizarre
that you don't have any kind of sh*t list.
I find it pretty hard to believe
that you can't come up with one person
that deserves the wrath of Sandy Patterson.
My old boss, Harold Cornish,
is a partner here at this
major financial institution.
They have got a branch here in St. Louis.
Here is the plan.
We're gonna go inside,
we're gonna get his financial information
for your little credit card toy.
Social Security numbers,
bank account numbers, routing numbers,
it's all stored on hard copies in there,
in the Record Room.
We just need a little code to get in there.
Yeah, but we can't
get in there with you looking like that.
That's a great point.
There is a way around that.
Oh!
Are you okay?
What is it? What is it?
My fibromyalgia.
Oh, God, my leg is cramping up.
- What can I do? What can I do?
- Oh, God. Rub it.
- Rub it?
- Rub it! Rub it!
Rub it! It's cramping.
Oh!
Up?
Higher, higher, higher.
- Higher.
- A little higher.
Oh, God, it's in my glutes.
Get in there!
How is this helping you?
Oh, God!
God, get in there! All right, get off me.
Get off me.
I thought it was gonna
be a couple of offices.
No. Come on.
Who is this guy?
That's Accounts Processing.
That's the "me" of this branch. Come on.
Oh. That shouldn't be any problem.
No offense, but just keep your mouth shut.
This will be over in a minute.
Hi. Good morning.
Tina... Van Westengarden. How are you?
I'm fine. Can I help you?
I'm here with my boss, Harold Cornish.
We're in from Denver.
Oh. I'm familiar with the name.
I'm sure you are.
We're gonna need
to get into your Accounts Room.
Do you have an authorization letter?
I'm gonna be real honest with you.
I f***ed up.
I just kind of completely
blanked on that authorization letter.
He basically runs me 24-7. He's...
Cornish is... He's a handful. I mean...
Honestly, he's an a**hole.
And I'm just hoping that we can
figure something out,
and you can do me a solid and...
You know, I don't think
you want to see me sh*t-canned.
On my birthday.
'Cause I'm getting married.
This weekend...
'Cause I got pregnant.
Just a sec.
Twins. And my cat died.
How are we doing over there?
We doing good? You calling security?
You better not be calling security.
Hang up the phone right now.
I wasn't calling security.
Yes, you were. Hang it up.
Right now.
I'm sorry, but you're not allowed back there
without authorization.
I'm not... You're not allowed back there
without authorization.
I can do whatever the hell I want.
I don't have to tell you that we suspect
that there are some people at this branch
that are doing some very, very bad things.
And I don't have to tell you
that I've been sent here
to look very quietly at some records.
Mr. Cornish, I don't mean any offense,
but we have rules.
I know you have rules.
Like never backdate a 5590
or don't stamp a 33-B transfer
without telling a client first.
I bet you do that one twice a month,
don't you?
Tanya, can you give us a minute, please?
It's Tina, but...
- See what I mean?
- What did I say?
Nothing. You said that.
I have you at a disadvantage.
You don't know me, but I know you, Ken.
I know that you make $49,395 a year.
I know that you work very hard
for that wife and child right there.
I know that you're real good at your job,
that you take care of this company
and you do things
that they'll never know about,
that they'll never appreciate.
So, you're very proud, right?
But you're scared.
You're scared because you're dispensable.
You're scared because you know that,
more than likely, one day,
you're gonna be replaced
by somebody younger, somebody cheaper,
maybe even by an app.
But not me.
I'll be fine, 'cause
I'm on a different level.
So if I don't get into that room today,
I'll be okay. But not you.
You're still going to be scared.
And that's not fair, is it?
Here's what we can do, though.
You can help me today
and someday I might be able to help you.
But you're gonna have to break the rules.
Got it.
Let me see it.
This is it. Right there.
We got it.
All right. That's what I need.
Sh*t.
Got it.
- Got it.
- Wow.
Okay, great. Good job.
Let's put this baby to use,
get some gasoline and hit the road again.
Wait, wait, wait. Hit the road? No, no.
I am exhausted. I need to sleep
for at least a couple of hours.
I need something to eat
that doesn't come out of a bag
and I need to put
at least some of my parts into a shower.
I bet you're a real mess.
Do we get you a Motel 6, or something?
Motel 6? No, no, no.
Mr. Cornish, we go wherever we want.
Come on. Let's go.
I need a room, please.
How about a suite?
Thank you, Mr. Cornish.
Yes, hello.
- God, they're real. They're real.
- Yeah.
Just get there! Get there! Get there!
I miss you.
I miss you, too, sweetheart.
We're just gonna rest for a little bit,
and then one last haul to get home.
Thank God.
Have you talked to Daniel?
Yeah, spoke to Daniel.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Oh! This place has a shopping arcade.
Reservation's at 8:00, okay?
And no jewelry.
I'll get cash for tips.
- Is that her?
- Yeah, that's her.
Okay. Drive safely, will you?
Okay. I'll see you soon.
Oh, that's a nice match.
Now, that is a nice match.
Oh, that's nice.
No, dear. More is not more.
Oh, that's better. Okay.
She is the best.
Um...
Maybe you could help me.
Oh, honey.
We'll take care of you.
I've done a lot of the groundwork for you.
Really!
It's really more of a touch-up.
Okay.
Diana.
What?
You look beautiful.
It's just all...
It's all tricks and stuff.
Not tricks, that's you.
I said no jewelry.
Oh, God, were you serious?
Yeah.
Oh, God. You've gotta work on your tone.
- It was my tone?
- It's vague.
It's not just the top, it's the Lucite, too.
This is great.
- I'd like to make a toast. To you.
- Oh.
I thought I was the enemy.
You are, but I gotta admit,
you taught me something.
Well, you taught me a few things.
You taught me
about getting what you want,
and you taught me about confidence.
Maybe a little bit too
much about confidence.
Did you see me
with that poor Ken Talbott today?
Yeah, you were pretty hard on him.
I know.
But people have been hard on me
my whole life,
and I just don't want to feel
like the chump anymore.
And you showed me that.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
You also completely messed up my life,
but I guess it needed a little messing up,
needed a little bit more Diana in it.
Well.
Or whatever your real name is.
That is my real name.
That's not. Come on.
- It is.
- We're friends now.
That's my name,
I don't know what to tell you.
Will you tell me your real name?
Finally, please?
What does it matter?
Exactly. What does it matter?
Fine, it's Marla.
Why are you lying to me?
Just tell me your name.
I don't wanna tell you.
- Don't get pissed off.
- I'm not getting pissed off.
Just drop it.
This is weird.
Why won't you tell me your name?
It can't be worse than Sandy.
Because I don't know it.
- Come on.
- I don't know it.
You don't know it.
I don't know it.
Really?
What about your family?
What about Morganville, Wisconsin?
Are you telling me that was all bullshit?
No. There's a great little town.
It's Morganville, it's in Wisconsin.
And there's a really nice
little police station in the center of town
where people that
don't want their babies can leave them.
So, what name is it that you want?
Because I had six of them
by the time I was through foster care.
That's a...
That's a tough life road to go...
I mean, no one who could
have helped you out maybe, early on,
and put you down a different path?
No.
No, there's been no one, ever,
to put me down a different path.
To do anything for me.
There's never been anybody.
It's just been me.
So, I don't give a sh*t about people,
and people don't give a sh*t about me.
And that's just how it is.
I give a sh*t about you.
You don't give a sh*t about me.
You just want me to clean up my mess.
You don't give a sh*t about me.
And I know it.
I have been on my own all my life.
Nobody even knows I'm here.
Nobody ever knows where I am.
Because there is nobody.
I got sick, I took care of myself.
I needed sh*t for school, I got it.
You're so stupid.
Do you think your f***ing fancy suit
and acting like an a**hole
is gonna make your daughters happy?
You think that's what they want?
They want some big man
treating people like sh*t?
I would have done anything
to have somebody like you.
Just to actually be there and care about me.
Just to f***ing be there.
You're such an a**hole,
you're trying to be more like me.
Nice choice, Sandy.
Nice, I'm never gonna be
able to duplicate this makeup.
Here.
I don't want it. I don't want it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I gave you some
lame dumpster baby story.
I was just lying.
That's what I do, I lie.
Mr. Cornish.
You are a fraud, a thief
and an a**hole, whoever you are.
You're both under arrest for credit fraud.
Stand up.
Hands where I can see them.
He didn't do anything.
He's just trying to get me...
Save it.
Put your hands in front of you.
Okay. Come on, let's go.
It's them.
See you around.
Yeah.
She got arrested. What the hell do we do?
Follow her to the station,
you bail her out and you kill her.
Ahhh!
Damn it!
Burns, don't it?
You! What you do that for?
You shot me first.
I didn't shoot you. This b*tch shot you.
Good point.
You know what? You're crazy!
Yep, diagnosis and everything.
Let's go for a ride.
Hey, man,
this is some bullshit.
If you wanna kill me,
you could just kill me right now.
Gotta get in this motherfucking trunk.
I'm gonna get in this
motherfucking trunk for now.
How did you find us?
Same way you found them.
Car had satellite radio, tracked the GPS.
What if we work together? We split the cash.
This ain't about the money anymore.
They wrecked my van, this is personal.
Around, please.
Hey, you guys have got
a pretty sweet ride, here.
What is this? An '08 or '09 Crown Vic?
'08.
Ah! '08. All right, I thought so.
What is this, like 250
ponies under the hood?
You can feel that, right?
I need you to close your eyes.
- What?
- And slide right.
What the f***?
Hey! Pull over, pull over!
Jesus Christ!
Are you out of your mind?
This is a terrible idea.
Hey! It's stuck.
Are you insane?
What are we doing?
We're getting away.
All units, we need backup!
We need backup!
Put down your weapon!
Get out of your vehicle!
We can't go this way.
- Sh*t.
- What now, huh?
Sh*t.
There.
Diana. Hey.
Diana.
Diana!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!
Get up, you f***ing baby.
Don't move!
Keep your hands up.
Put them on the wheel.
Get out.
Slow down. I got punched in the throat.
I got hit by a f***ing
car. Did you see that?
What have you got in the trunk?
I don't know anything about
the people in the trunk.
Let me see your hands.
My hands? He shot me!
They shot me first.
We're all going downtown.
For what? I'm in a trunk.
How about you do
your little handcuff trick for me?
Just wait till we get back to the car.
Oh, come on, just take them off!
Shut up and give me a minute.
You should be dead. You got hit by a car.
I mean, are you even human?
It just looked bad.
It sure did.
You know, the...
Part of the trick is
to just relax your legs.
Better chance of catching a roll.
I read it on wikiHow.
You can make light of it,
but what you did saved my life.
And thank you.
You were only in that spot
because of me, so...
Fair is fair.
Sh*t.
You know you were right.
I don't want to go to jail.
Please help me out.
I know.
So, what, 900 miles to Denver?
Yeah.
All right. Here we go, huh?
You want to buckle up?
You want to take your tampon out?
- Ready?
- Yep, let's go.
No, no, no, no.
Hello?
- Dad!
- Daddy!
Hi.
Mmm!
Hi.
Hmm.
Diana, Trish, Jessie, Franny.
- Meet Diana.
- Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Diana's gonna be
staying with us just for tonight,
and I'm going to take
her into work with me in the morning.
If that's okay.
It's kind of mandatory.
It's a lovely dinner, Mrs. Patterson.
Oh, thank you.
I like how you decorated and...
Like, you put stuff on shelves.
It's nice.
Thank you.
You've got some food on your face.
Where?
Up here, like, in this area.
No, you have food on your face.
No, I don't have food on my face. Where?
There!
- Here?
- No!
I would know. It's not over here.
- That's my clean cheek.
- Now you have three places.
Here, here and here.
You guys are driving me crazy,
because nothing's here.
Nothing's here.
See?
Babe, babe, please.
Oh! That's a lot.
Would you like some help with that?
That's okay. I'm almost done.
I, uh...
I know you're probably wondering
what happened on our whole trip
and the open road.
And I just wanted to put your mind at ease
that nothing happened
between the two of us.
I put off a pretty intense vibe,
you know, sexually.
Not intentionally. I just... Put out a musk.
I just want you to know that
I put it out there,
but he did not pick it up.
And, you know, there's...
It's surprising. 'Cause I...
I don't know if you've heard
of the Bermuda Triangle,
which is kind of in here.
And it's... You know...
Once you go in,
it's real hard to come back out.
You know?
Because some people don't want to.
Some people just
get lost in there, emotionally.
I just wanted you to know
that he was a perfect gentleman.
And he did not lay a finger,
on, or in, me.
Okay.
You know, I, uh...
He really loves you.
Thank you.
Okay.
She'd go away for, like,
10 years.
I mean, she's not a bad person.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm such a chump.
You're not a chump.
If I didn't turn her in...
I mean...
We'd survive.
Diana.
I'm going in alone.
Where's Diana?
She said she had to go.
How long ago did she leave?
After she did our hair and our makeup.
Well, as a shareholder of the fund...
Couldn't make it happen.
And to be honest,
it wouldn't have happened anyway.
It just wasn't meant to be.
Patterson.
Hi.
- Hi, Sandy.
- Okay.
What's going on?
That completes the statement process.
You've been read your rights.
This officer's gonna take you into custody.
Mr. Patterson.
You are no longer
a focus in this investigation.
And she took responsibility
for everything that happened in St. Louis.
I'd be happy to provide your employer
with a letter making that clear.
You got your good name back.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Could I have
just one second with her, please?
Sure. Let's go.
Thanks.
I don't understand.
Well, if I pop out of these that quickly,
he'll get all emasculated.
And there was a pretty good chance
that this thing was gonna
end with cops, right?
I just didn't think I'd still be here.
I just thought I'd take
advantage of a free ride,
and when I felt like it, skip out.
I just didn't do that.
How come you snuck away this morning?
Because I knew
you weren't gonna turn me in.
And this was the right thing.
I gotta go.
Thank you.
I really loved our trip.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
This is you. Come on.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Daddy
Come on, girls.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to me
Okay, big breath, big wish.
Everybody together. Close together.
Yay for Daddy!
- Does Mommy want one more?
- Yes.
Honey, honey, honey, please.
- Are you kidding me?
- Mmm mmm mmm.
You know what?
Actually, we'll take this to go.
We gotta go. It's very late. Let's go.
I can't believe how beautiful she is.
I mean, to me, she still...
She really does look like a Diana.
Let it go.
I'm letting it go, but...
Sorry.
Are you kidding me?
- You are pulling these out of your pocket.
- No.
I will shiv you in the yard.
I will shiv you in the yard, I will.
All right,
visitation's over in five minutes.
All right, break it down for us real quick.
Okay. Here we go.
Math, A.
Typical.
Accounting, B.
Nice.
And Econ?
- Well, you know.
- What happened?
You guys have been
studying for weeks, haven't you?
I know, but I just got this.
Oh!
Nice going.
I know. I know.
I'm putting this in the file.
Oh, come on, it's not like
somebody's gonna hire an ex-con.
I'm actually starting a first step program,
and I have a few years to figure it out.
Three, with good behavior.
And how is that going, by the way?
Great. Great.
- Decent, you know.
- Good.
Some of these dykes are still
really getting up into my sweet junk,
but I don't let them.
Girls, "sweet junk" is just...
Dessert. She's having
a problem in the mess hall.
We should probably get going.
The lesson there, if you listen,
is that if you're in the woods,
maybe a boyish female bear with corn rows
comes at you this way,
meaning this way, and you just deflect.
It is always nice to see you,
and we'll wait out...
Girls, let's get going.
What are you gonna do?
Not let them in, right? Come here.
Bye, Diana.
Stay beautiful, okay?
Okay, I'll see you in a couple months?
Okay. Love you.
Love you, too.
I got you something.
- Ooh!
- I pulled some strings with Reilly,
and we ran your fingerprints
through the Wisconsin state database,
and we got that.
My name.
Dawn Budgie.
That's a terrible f***ing name.
It's a really bad name.
It's not as great as I
was hoping, but it's you.
Thanks, Sandy.
But I already know who I am.
Yep. Thanks.
Back in your cage, b*tch.
Sh*t!
Budgie?
Sorry.
No, Sandy's a girl's name.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Universal Pictures Transcripts