Sideshow Bob Roberts/Quotes

:KBBL: No sports, no rock, no information; for mindless chatter, we're your station!
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:Lisa: Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail.
:Homer: Uh huh.
:Lisa: And when he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.
:Homer: Oh, Side Show Bob.
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:Lisa: And you get to go back to the fourth grade!
:Bart: Oh...tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.
:Lisa: The spoon, Bart.
:Bart: [gasps] Of course.
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:Carl: Ugh, that Barlow's a right wing crackpot. He said that Ted Kennedy lacked integrity. Can you believe that?
:Lenny: Switch the station. I consider myself politically correct, and his views make me uncomfortable.
:Homer: No, no, no, guys. I'm not very political. I usually think people who vote are a little fruity. But for some reason this Birch Barlow really speaks to me.
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:Bart: We want the truth.
:Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you. BAH! I deride your truth-handling abilities.
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:Jimbo: [after wrapping Milhouse in Vote Quimby bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey! [pushes Milhouse down the hill]
:Milhouse: [screams] What's happening?
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:Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. [The entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously]
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:Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen, and are voting Republican.
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:Lisa: I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.
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:Bart: You were just Barlow's lackey!
:Lisa: You were Ronnie to his Nancy!
:Bart: Sonny to his Cher!
:Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!
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:Kent Brockman: The results are in: for Sideshow Bob, one hundred percent; and for Joe Quimby, one percent. And, we remind you, there is a one percent margin of error.
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:Birch Barlow: There are three things we are never going to get rid of in this town. One, the bats in the public library (a guy opens a drawer in the library and screams as a flock of bats comes out); two, Mrs. McFuly's compost heap (due to the mad old woman keeping taps on it with a shotgun); and three, our six-term mayor - the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
:Mayor Quimby: Hey, I am no longer illiterate!
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:Lisa: This is so cool, we're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
:Bart: Except their dad wasn't sitting in the car reading Archie comics.
:Homer: Stuck-up Riverdale punks, they think they're too good for me.
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:Birch Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you are well known for your lenient stance on crime, but suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family was tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob....
:Mayor Quimby: What is your, ah, question?
:Birch Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir.
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:Sideshow Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
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:Marge: [listening to the radio] Mmm...this sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.
:Lisa: I don't like him either, Mom, but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.
:Bart: You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects. [condescending tone] Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. [displays a bundle]
:Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. [takes the bundle, douses it in sink, throws it away]
:[at school]
:Principal Skinner: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fat Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. [motions to Bart; Bart looks at Mrs. Krabappel; she groans as she gives him "F"]
:Principal 1: All week, he promise big firework display.
:Principal 2: Bad student.
:Principal 1: Uh-uh...bad principal.
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:Birch Barlow: So, my friends, let's just junk those Dumbocrats and their bleeding-heart smellfare program.
:Lisa: Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else?
:Homer: When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.
:[scene cuts to Lisa driving and smiling as she listens to John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire" theme]
:Homer: [moans] I can't take this any more! Let's switch back.
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:Principal Skinner: Now, students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully-choreographed media event. Now this means there is to be no wising-off, no face-making, and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph.
:Ralph: [with a full mouth of grass] Yes, sir.
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:Mayor Quimby: [with a cold] I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.
:[Bart hands him some pills; Quimby eats a handful, then stumbles on stage]
:Lisa: I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.
:Bart: Don't worry...he's taken a million of these capsules.
:[The box says "Extra-Drowsy Formula"]
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:Homer: [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]
:Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. [votes for Bob]
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:Principal Skinner: Bart, by special request of the Mayor's office, you are going to be left back.
:Bart: Oh. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?
:Principal Skinner: Well, yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
:Bart: Kindergarten?!
:Mrs. Krabappel: [pops a champagne cork] Ha!
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:(Homer and Marge are asleep when a rumbling sounds and the whole house shakes, waking them up)
:Homer: [screams] It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!
:(Homer runs outside)
:Sideshow Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction for our new Matlock Expressway.
:(there's a big bridge)
:Sideshow Bob: However, I an a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
:Marge: Homer, we have to stop these guys!
:Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwiggiger. And no one in my family is gonna stand for it!
:(there's a honking sound)
:Grampa: Move your darn house, son!
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:Man: [carrying large stack of paper and gives it to Lisa] Here you go: the results of last month's mayor election. All 48000 voters and who each one of them voted for him.
:Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot.
:Man: Meh.
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:Lisa: This is hopeless. They're going to demolish our house for sure. We're going to have to move into a Motel 6.
:Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night!
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:(Bart and Lisa come across a mysterious figure standing in the shadows smoking a cigarette. We can tell from the hairline that this is actually Waylon Smithers, Jr....)
:Smithers: (disguised voice) You're on the right track. Follow the names.
:Bart: How the hell do you know?
:Smithers: (takes a big drag) I can't tell you who I am... but I worked on the campaign...
:(Suddenly Homer's car horn blares as headlights shine on Smithers, revealing his face to the kids. His cigarette breaks.)
:Homer: Hey Mr. Smithers!
:Smithers: (normal voice) ...Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.
:(In the car...)
:Smithers: I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before, but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views conflict with my... choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name: Edgar Neubauer. Find him and you'll... find your answer.
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:Lionel Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
:Sideshow Bob: No, I did not.
:Lionel Hutz: (to Bart and Lisa) Kids, help.
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:Lisa: And even our cat, Snowball I! Please don't be on the list.
:(Sees Snowball I on list)
:Lisa: Things just got personal!
:Bart: Hey! He tried to kill me!
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:Teacher: Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is?
:Bart: Triangle!
:Teacher: Very good, Bart. You have first choice of toys for free play.
:Bart: Cool. I call the Flinstone Phone!
:(Calls Fred Flintstone)
:Fred Flintstone: (from phone) Yabba Dabba Doo! I like talking to you!
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:Moose: Duh, stay out of Riverdale!