Ted/Transcript

EXT. SPACE - X
(As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States. The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It's winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart.)
Narrator: (voice-over) It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago. And that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever.
----EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING
Narrator: (voice-over) It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.
==Incomplete==
 We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at
 each other in the street.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 It was Christmas Eve, and all the
 children were in high spirits. That
 special time of year when Boston children
 gather together and beat up the Jewish
 kids.
 
 Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled,
 and starts walking up the street. One of the snowball-
 throwing kids points at the sled kid.
 
 KID #1
 Hey, Greenbaum!
 
 GREENBAUM
 Uh oh.
 
 KID #1
 It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow! And you know
 what I'm gonna get him?
 
 GREENBAUM
 W...what?
 (CONTINUED)
 2
 CONTINUED:
 
 KID #1
 My fist in your ******' face!
 
 GREENBAUM
 Why would Jesus want that?
 
 KID #2
 Get him!
 
 The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle
 him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy
 and innocent-looking) approaches the melee.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 But there was one child who wasn't in
 such good spirits. Little John Bennett.
 That one boy in every neighborhood who
 just has a tough time making friends.
 
 JOHN
 Hey guys, can I play?
 
 The kids all look at him.
 
 KID #1/#2/#3
 Get outta here! / Get outta here,
 Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett!
 
 The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John.
 
 GREENBAUM
 Yeah, Bennett, get outta here!
 
 The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly
 walks back toward his house.
 
 INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 John longed with all his heart for that
 one true friend that he could call his
 own. And he knew that if he ever found
 that friend, he would never let him go.
 
 John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands,
 looking outside. John'S POV - We see the other kids all
 playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing
 snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A
 WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with
 open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Well, as it does every year, Christmas
 morning finally came.
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 3
 CONTINUED:
 NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 All the children were opening their gifts
 with holiday glee.
 
 
 INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
 
 A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on,
 smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with
 delight.
 
 
 INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
 
 A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on,
 smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is
 overjoyed.
 
 INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
 
 ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on,
 smiling. Inside is a "Darth Vader head" action figure case.
 The boy opens it up, revealing that it's full of "Star Wars"
 action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically.
 
 
 EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
 
 
 INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 And for little John Bennett, Christmas
 Day brought a very special new arrival.
 
 John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a
 present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear.
 The boy holds it with delight.
 
 JOHN
 Wow!
 
 HIS MOM AND DAD hug him.
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 I guess Santa paid attention to how good
 you were this year, huh?
 
 JOHN'S MOM
 (KISSING HIM)
 Merry Christmas, John.
 
 John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, high-
 pitched "I wuv you" sound. John gasps with delight.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 4
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 He talks!
 
 John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk,
 as his mom and dad exchange a smile.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 I'm gonna name you Teddy.
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
 
 John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film "Flash
 Gordon" on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next
 to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a "bite."
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 John became instantly attached to Teddy.
 There was something about that bear that
 made him feel as if he finally had a
 friend with whom he could share his
 deepest secrets.
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT
 
 JOHN
 Hey Teddy... can I tell you something
 nobody knows?
 
 Teddy looks back at him, expressionless.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Last week, my mom and dad took me to the
 park for a picnic. And they have this
 duck pond there, and... when nobody was
 looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it
 at a duck. Was that mean?
 
 He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the "I wuv you"
 sound.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 (HUGGING HIM)
 I love you too, Teddy!
 
 John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with
 it.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 You know... I wish you could really talk
 to me. Because then we could be best
 friends forever and ever.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 5
 CONTINUED:
 
 John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the
 window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house
 slowly.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Now, if there's one thing you can be sure
 of... it's that nothing is more powerful
 than a young boy's wish.
 (BEAT)
 Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache
 helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
 It is an unbelievably impressive
 complement of weaponry. An absolute
 death machine. Well, as it turned out,
 John picked the perfect night to make a
 wish.
 
 EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the
 snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the
 clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which
 we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by
 through the opening.
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear's face as John lies
 sleeping next to it.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING
 The house and yard are covered with snow.
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SAME
 
 John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy,
 but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John
 bolts upright and looks around, frantically.
 
 JOHN
 Teddy?
 (beat, a bit more concerned)
 Teddy?!
 
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 6
 CONTINUED:
 
 John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there.
 He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed's perimeter,
 assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the
 night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE
 FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Teddy?
 
 John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the
 camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN'S P.O.V.: We see the
 face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once.
 
 TEDDY
 Hug me.
 
 John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at
 Teddy, breathing heavily.
 
 JOHN
 Did you... did you just talk?
 
 TEDDY
 You're my best friend, John.
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 You're alive?!
 
 TEDDY
 Uh-huh.
 
 JOHN
 Whoa...
 
 TEDDY
 Don't look so surprised. You're the one
 who wished for it, aren't you?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, I... I did wish for it.
 
 TEDDY
 Well, here I am.
 
 JOHN
 You mean... we get to be best friends...
 for real?
 
 TEDDY
 For real.
 
 JOHN
 Forever and ever?
 
 (CONTINUED)
 7
 CONTINUED:
 
 TEDDY
 Sounds good to me.
 
 A huge grin spreads across John's face. He gets up, runs
 to Teddy and hugs him.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 John was just about the happiest boy in
 the world. And he couldn't wait to tell
 everyone the good news.
 
 
 INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 John's Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper
 as John's Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on
 their plates.
 JOHN'S MOM
 Well, I think we had a wonderful
 Christmas this year.
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 One of the best.
 (SLYLY)
 And I particularly enjoyed the gift you
 gave me last night.
 
 John runs into the kitchen.
 
 JOHN
 Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear's
 alive!
 
 John's Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.
 JOHN'S MOM
 (PLAYING ALONG)
 Really, sweetie? Well, that's exciting.
 
 JOHN
 No mom, he's alive! For real! Look!
 
 Teddy walks in and stands next to John.
 
 TEDDY
 Merry Christmas, everybody!
 
 John's Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the
 table. John's mom screams.
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 Jesus H. ****!
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 8
 CONTINUED:
 
 TEDDY
 Let's all be best friends!
 
 JOHN'S MOM
 Oh my god...
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 John, get away from that thing! Come
 over here, right now!
 
 JOHN
 BUT DAD--
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 GET OVER HERE!
 
 John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and
 protectively pulls him aside.
 
 JOHN'S DAD (CONT'D)
 Helen, get my gun.
 
 JOHN
 Dad, no!
 
 TEDDY
 Is it a hugging gun?
 
 JOHN'S DAD
 Helen, get my gun, and call the police!
 
 TEDDY
 I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to
 scare anybody. I just wanted John and I
 to be friends.
 JOHN
 Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that
 Teddy was alive, and my wish came true!
 
 JOHN'S MOM
 (ASTONISHED WHISPER)
 My god, Steve... it's a miracle. A
 Christmas miracle.
 
 They stare at Teddy for a beat.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Well, it wasn't long before the story of
 John's little miracle was sweeping the
 nation.
 9
 
 
 INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
 
 We see an 80's NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A
 graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder.
 
 NEWSCASTER
 Out of a Boston suburb comes what is,
 without a doubt, the most incredible
 story in the history of broadcast news...
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
 
 We see an 80's FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear
 is over her left shoulder.
 FEMALE NEWSCASTER
 ...young boy's stuffed animal has
 magically come to life for as yet unknown
 reasons. Scientists are stumped as to
 how...
 
 AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18
 
 We see a `70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says
 "ACTION NEWS GEORGIA". He points manically at the
 graphic of the bear above his left shoulder.
 
 SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER
 Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus
 did! Look what Jesus did!
 
 
 INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)
 A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER
 sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the
 screen, is a picture of the bear.
 
 FEMALE NEWSCASTER
 (SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS)
 
 The male newscaster turns sharply to her.
 
 MALE NEWSCASTER
 (ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE)
 
 He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her
 head in her hands, in shame.
 10
 
 
 INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV)
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Before long, Teddy had become a huge
 celebrity in his own right.
 
 We see REAL FOOTAGE of "The Tonight Show" from the `80's,
 with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in
 the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible,
 will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands
 with Johnny and sitting down.)
 
 REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE
 
 
 INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a
 flashlight.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 But through all the fame, Teddy never
 forgot his very best friend, John.
 
 JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
 The thunder can't get us, right?
 
 TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
 Nope. We're thunder buddies. And the
 thunder knows it. We're totally safe.
 
 ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them.
 JOHN
 Teddy?
 
 TEDDY
 Yeah, John?
 
 JOHN
 Do you promise we'll always be together?
 
 TEDDY
 I promise.
 
 Another thunder clap.
 
 TEDDY (CONT'D)
 Thunder buddies for life.
 
 JOHN
 Thunder buddies for life.
 (CONTINUED)
 11
 CONTINUED:
 
 They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the
 covers.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 And that was a promise that neither one
 of them ever forgot.
 
 Over the following, we continue to pull back from the
 room to the outside of the moonlit house...
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 So where are John and Teddy today? Well,
 let me put it this way: no matter how big
 a splash you make in this world, whether
 you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz,
 Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear,
 eventually nobody gives a sh*t.
 SMASH CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING
 
 We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles
 roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout.
 
 PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the
 everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at
 the camera, chins resting on their hands.
 
 EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a
 treehouse.
 
 A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted
 shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads:
 "America's Little Miracle". Smaller headlines read,
 "Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!" and "The
 Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc."
 
 A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in
 front of an American flag. The headline reads, "Ted,
 White, and Blue". Smaller headlines read, "Oliver North
 Draws the Heat" and "Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own
 `Robocop'?"
 12
 
 
 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 (Insert existing soapbox racer bit here)
 
 
 EXT. PARK (PHOTO)
 
 Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday
 cake at John's ninth birthday party.
 
 
 INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing
 on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as
 tall as Larry.
 A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with
 the headline "TV'S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!" Smaller
 headlines read, "Inside: The Best Show You're Not
 Watching!" and "The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!"
 
 WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" INTO WHICH
 TED HAS BEEN INSERTED.
 
 
 INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
 
 Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing
 as they watch the show.
 
 
 EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO)
 
 Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his
 bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like
 E.T.
 
 ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, "UP
 CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH `TERMINATOR 2's ARNOLD
 SCHWARZENEGGER!" Down below in smaller print it says
 "Plus, we talk to Ted the bear".
 
 
 EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John
 looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.
 
 
 EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 John's high school graduation.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 13
 CONTINUED:
 
 ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news
 anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads
 "FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT", with an
 unflattering photo of Ted.
 
 
 INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO)
 
 We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption
 below reads "Ted caught with mushrooms at airport
 security". He's putting up a bit of a fight, and gives
 the "finger" to the camera (the finger is pixilated).
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing.
 Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 (Insert existing "Phantom Menace" bit)
 
 
 INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 (Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit)
 
 ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to
 the status indicator. It reads, "In a Relationship With
 Lori Collins." An arrow clicks on her name, going to her
 page. On her wall, it reads "Lori has added 3 new photos
 in the album Mobile Uploads".
 
 
 EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that
 John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms
 crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl.
 
 
 EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands
 laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something)
 covering her eyes with his paws.
 14
 
 
 EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO)
 
 John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on
 horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also
 wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever.
 
 
 EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the
 ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts,
 disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing
 the ball into the cup "accidentally". Lori smiles. John
 smiles back at her. Ted winks.
 
 
 EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 (Insert "Jeter sucks" bit)
 
 
 EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO)
 
 
 EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY
 
 John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding
 an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera,
 each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of
 ice cream on their upper lips.
 
 
 EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
 John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up
 behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and
 grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We
 ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering
 a "Home Sweet Home" picture into the wall. He steps
 back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall.
 He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there
 like an idiot.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
 
 John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with
 their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of
 Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine
 bottle on the table in front of them.
 15
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)
 
 We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the
 background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is
 in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up
 his letters. He has spelled out the word "DOUCHE", with
 an extra B and G to spare.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)
 
 (Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.)
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - MORNING
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
 
 CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales,
 his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for
 the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is
 ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple
 stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there's
 evidence of some half-assed sewing. It's obvious he's
 been around for three decades. He and John, who sits
 next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them.
 John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the too-
 worn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a
 box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful,
 he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the
 remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity
 Pebbles all over his face. It doesn't faze him much,
 though, as he brushes them off. It's quite obvious that
 this is a guy who has never really given up his
 childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted
 passes the bong to John.
 
 TED
 All I'm sayin' is Boston women are are,
 on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than
 women from the elsewheres of life.
 
 JOHN
 That's bullsh*t, what about Lori? She's
 hot.
 
 TED
 Lori's from Pennsylvania, not a Boston
 girl.
 (CONTINUED)
 16
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 They're not that bad.
 
 John takes a hit from the bong over Ted's next line.
 
 TED
 The fact that you have to say they're not
 that bad means that they are that bad.
 They turn into drunk, half-white, half-
 pink monsters after 2 hours at any beach.
 
 Ted takes a hit from the bong.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 (COUGHS)
 Jesus, this is weak. It's not even
 gettin' me high. I gotta have a talk
 with my weed guy.
 
 JOHN
 I-- It's workin' for me.
 
 TED
 I think it sucks, I'm gonna have a talk
 with him.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, I don't know that you wanna go to a
 drug dealer with complaints.
 
 TED
 No, I know this guy a long time. I've
 known him since 9/11. Remember, I was
 like, "Aw, sh*t. 9/11. I gotta get
 high."
 JOHN
 (looks at his watch)
 Oh ****, is it nine-thirty? Sh*t, I
 gotta get to work.
 
 John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get
 dressed.
 
 TED
 Hey, you mind pickin' up a bird feeder on
 the way home? I wanna start enjoying the
 beauty of birds.
 
 JOHN (O.S.)
 Jesus, I don't know if I can drive.
 
 TED
 I'll drive you, I feel fine.
 17
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS
 
 We see two shots of John's car driving through the city:
 We see John in the passenger's seat putting Visine into
 his eyes, with only Ted's ears and eyes showing as he
 drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an
 overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to
 reveal it crossing Boston's huge suspension bridge.
 
 
 EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING
 
 John's car pulls up the street and into the parking lot,
 scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of
 the rental cars.
 
 JOHN/TED
 Aw, Jesus. / ****.
 
 ANGLE ON Ted's feet. There are wooden blocks attached to
 the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on
 the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and
 looks at the damage.
 
 JOHN
 Aw, man.
 
 TED
 Is it bad?
 
 JOHN
 It's not good.
 
 ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch
 manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the
 doorway.
 THOMAS
 John! May I speak with you, please?
 
 JOHN
 Shit.
 
 TED
 It's okay, go, go, I'll pull outta here.
 (WAVING)
 Hi, Thomas! How are ya?
 
 Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the
 car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and
 another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking.
 
 OTHER DRIVER
 **shole!
 
 (CONTINUED)
 18
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 (OVERLAPPING)
 Easy, Jersey license!
 
 Ted drives away.
 
 
 INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 Thomas sits at his desk facing John.
 
 THOMAS
 John, it's almost ten o'clock.
 
 JOHN
 I know, I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
 THOMAS
 What do you mean?
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 I guess I... wasn't really prepared for a
 follow-up question.
 
 THOMAS
 John, all you have to do is not **** up,
 and you get my job when I go to corporate
 next month. You will be the new branch
 manager. All you have to do is not ****
 up, and all you're doing is ******' up.
 Not that I don't think you're too ****ed
 up to handle not ******' up my job, but
 you happen to be the least ****ed-up
 person in the whole office. The next
 least ****ed-up is Alix, and you've been
 here three ******' years longer than him.
 But I'm telling you, I will promote the
 **** out of him if you **** up one more
 time. That is all. ****.
 
 JOHN
 Sir, I promise, you're not gonna regret
 promoting the **** out of me.
 
 THOMAS
 Good. I like hearing that. Because in a
 month my life now could be your life: a
 cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who's
 personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It's
 not a bad life, is it?
 
 JOHN
 N--no.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 19
 CONTINUED:
 
 THOMAS
 Did you know I'm friends with Tom
 Skerritt?
 
 JOHN
 No.
 
 THOMAS
 I'll show you something I don't show too
 many people, because I don't want anyone
 treating me differently.
 
 Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom
 Skerritt.
 
 THOMAS (CONT'D)
 That's me and Tom Skerritt.
 JOHN
 (SLIGHTLY OVERDONE)
 Wowwww.
 
 THOMAS
 Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here.
 I'm gonna dock you for being late, and
 for the scratch on that car. Try and be
 a little more responsible tomorrow.
 
 JOHN
 I will, sir. Thank you. I won't let you
 down, Goose.
 
 THOMAS
 What?
 
 JOHN
 Top Gun.
 
 THOMAS
 So?
 
 JOHN
 Tom Skerritt.
 
 THOMAS
 Oh.
 
 John exits.
 
 
 INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 John emerges from Thomas' office, and walks out into the
 front desk area.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 20
 CONTINUED:
 
 We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton
 type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a
 pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and
 a little bruised.
 
 GUY
 There you go, here's your key and rental
 agreement, and a complimentary map of
 Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty,
 drive safely.
 
 HUSBAND/WIFE
 Thank you./Thanks so much.
 
 The couple exits. Guy turns to face John.
 
 GUY
 Hey, heard you got busted.
 
 JOHN
 Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what
 happened?
 
 GUY
 I don't know, man. I got ******' wasted
 last night, and my phone says I texted
 somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me
 up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same
 person saying thanks.
 
 JOHN
 And you don't remember it?
 
 GUY
 No. Same as last time.
 JOHN
 It... it just seems gay, doesn't it?
 
 GUY
 I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
 
 JOHN
 Do you think you're part of some, like,
 gay beat-up underworld? Like one of
 those gay beat-up clubs?
 
 GUY
 I don't know. I dig chicks. I don't
 remember any of it, I was so ****ed up.
 I might be gay, I don't know. You mind
 covering for me for a bit? I'm gonna go
 lay down in the john.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 21
 CONTINUED:
 
 Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a
 vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan
 walks up.
 
 ALIX
 Hey you buddies. Where's it hanging?
 
 GUY/JOHN
 Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last
 night?
 
 ALIX
 Ah, I didn't get in because the bouncer
 was doucheface, but I made friends in the
 line.
 
 GUY
 Oh, well, that's good I guess.
 
 We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter
 from the back with a set of keys.
 
 TANYA
 Hi you guys.
 
 Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over
 to her station and sits.
 
 ALIX
 You look so pretty today.
 
 TANYA
 Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this
 morning.
 
 ALIX
 I can tell, you are less fat than you
 have been.
 
 JOHN
 Hey guys, does anybody know a nice
 restaurant? Like something where the
 napkins are cloth?
 
 GUY
 For what?
 
 JOHN
 Lori and I have been dating four years
 tomorrow, and I wanted to take her
 someplace nice.
 
 TANYA
 Oh wow, congratulations, John.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 22
 CONTINUED:
 
 GUY
 You guys`ve been goin' out for four
 years?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah.
 
 GUY
 THAT'S IN--
 (HIGH-PITCHED)
 --saaaane, my longest relationship was
 like six months, and then she farted in
 her sleep. I'm like, I am outta here,
 man. Was gone before she woke up.
 
 JOHN
 Wow, you're... not very tolerant, huh.
 GUY
 Lori ever fart in front of you?
 
 JOHN
 Yes.
 
 GUY
 Really.
 
 JOHN
 Yes. Many times.
 
 GUY
 You Italian?
 
 JOHN
 No.
 GUY
 Oh.
 
 JOHN
 Why?
 
 GUY
 I dunno, just seems like-- never mind,
 take her to Benihana.
 
 TANYA
 Don't you think after four years, maybe
 she's probably hoping for something more
 than dinner?
 
 JOHN
 Like what?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 23
 CONTINUED:
 
 TANYA
 Well, if I were her, I'd be expecting a
 proposal.
 
 JOHN
 Oh come on, nobody's expecting anybody to
 propose. Marriage isn't... I mean, isn't
 love enough? I submit that love is
 enough.
 
 GUY
 You could put the ring in her **s and let
 her fart it out.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
 
 John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we
 saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer
 as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The
 TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film "Flash
 Gordon." As "Flash's Theme" plays:
 
 JOHN
 So bad, but so good.
 
 TED
 Yes, a study in contrasts.
 
 JOHN
 Oh, I love this part.
 (SINGING ALONG)
 HE'S FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
 TED
 (SINGING ALONG)
 STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US!
 
 JOHN
 (SINGING ALONG)
 HE'LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN
 EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY
 FLASH!
 
 TED
 Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I
 forget, let's nail down a plan for the
 Bruins game tomorrow night.
 
 JOHN
 I can't, I'm taking Lori to dinner.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 24
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 For what?
 
 JOHN
 Well, we've been dating four years
 tomorrow.
 
 TED
 Oh, **** me. Nice.
 
 JOHN
 Lemme ask you something... you don't
 think she's gonna be expecting
 something... big, do you?
 
 TED
 (BEAT)
 What, like anal?
 
 JOHN
 No, like... a circular gold thing on the
 finger.
 
 TED
 Oh, **** that! It's four years! You and
 I have been together 27 years!
 
 Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in
 the face.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Where's my ring, Johnny? Where's my
 ring, **shole?
 
 JOHN
 Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off!
 He throws Ted off of him.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 I mean, do you think she might be
 expecting me to make that kinda move?
 
 TED
 No, John. It's a bad idea. And it's the
 wrong time. What with the economy and...
 the credit bubble... the Supreme Court...
 I mean, look at Haiti.
 
 JOHN
 I guess I didn't think about that.
 
 ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the
 Merciless.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 25
 CONTINUED:
 
 KLYTUS (ON TV)
 Who are you?
 
 FLASH (ON TV)
 Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York
 Jets.
 
 JOHN
 This is the American fantasy, right here.
 A professional NFL player is called upon
 to save the world.
 
 TED
 Tom Brady could do that.
 
 JOHN
 Tom Brady could do that.
 The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her
 mid to late 20's, enters holding several grocery bags.
 
 LORI
 Hi guys.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, sweetie.
 
 TED
 Hey, Lori.
 
 John gets up and gives Lori a kiss.
 
 LORI
 Ooh. I think you just got me stoned.
 
 JOHN
 (RE: GROCERIES)
 What do we got there?
 
 LORI
 Turkey burgers.
 
 TED
 Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for
 dinner or something?
 
 LORI
 (WISEASS)
 No, just you homos.
 
 TED/JOHN
 Whoa!!!
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 26
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 She's funny, John. You got yourself a
 regular Toni Collette.
 
 LORI
 Wait, who's that? Is that good?
 
 JOHN
 She's a comedienne.
 
 LORI
 Oh nice. Is she pretty?
 
 JOHN
 She's as pretty as she is funny. How was
 work?
 LORI
 Good.
 
 JOHN
 How's your ****head boss?
 
 LORI
 Rex is fine. He only hit on me once
 today, so that's good.
 
 JOHN
 I'm not saying this to be mean, but I
 really hope that ****er gets leukemia.
 
 LORI
 He's harmless, I can handle it.
 
 TED
 Hey Johnny, while you're up, grab me a
 beer, huh?
 
 JOHN
 (crossing to fridge)
 Oh yeah, a coupla' Charles Brew-Kowskis?
 
 TED
 Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice
 right about now.
 
 We see Lori roll her eyes. She's heard this before.
 
 LORI
 Jesus.
 
 JOHN
 Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 27
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski?
 
 LORI
 Y'know, I think I might also have a
 Martina Navra-ti-brewski.
 
 JOHN/TED
 Ohhhh, that doesn't work!/Come on, don't
 ruin it, yeah, that doesn't work.
 
 LORI
 Bullsh*t, what do you mean?
 
 JOHN
 It doesn't work, the name has to have a
 "ski" at the end of it. You just put
 "brewski" on the end of Martina
 Navratolova.
 
 LORI
 I thought we were just doing funny names.
 
 TED
 No, it's gotta have a "ski" at the end.
 Otherwise where's the challenge? If
 there's no "ski" at the end of the root
 word, then we would just be idiots saying
 nonsense.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 It's raining, with an occasional roll of thunder.
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
 
 Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news
 site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom,
 and cozies up next to her.
 
 LORI
 (OFF IPAD)
 Oh, look, they found those missing
 hikers.
 
 JOHN
 They did? What happened?
 
 LORI
 It says they got separated and one of
 them had his foot trapped under a rock
 for five days.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 28
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 You know, if your leg got trapped under a
 rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.
 
 LORI
 (SWEETLY)
 You would?
 
 JOHN
 I sure would.
 (BEAT)
 Is that cannibalism?
 
 LORI
 No, I think it's only cannibalism if you
 swallow.
 JOHN
 Oh yeah, no, I don't swallow.
 
 She laughs.
 
 LORI
 Really? That's not what I heard about
 you.
 
 JOHN
 It's not true, I'm a ******' classy
 broad.
 
 LORI
 (LAUGHS AGAIN)
 I can see that.
 (THEN)
 Y'know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella's
 a really expensive restaurant. If you
 want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow
 night. I don't care, as long as we're
 together.
 
 JOHN
 You kiddin' me? Four years we been going
 out, I'm takin' you to the best place in
 town. I been crappin' out room for it
 for two days, I know exactly what I'm
 gonna order.
 
 LORI
 (leaning in to kiss him)
 You're disgusting.
 
 JOHN
 And you get to pick any bottle of wine.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 29
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 Ooh.
 
 JOHN
 Any bottle of 2012 wine.
 
 LORI
 Oh, are the new wines in?
 
 JOHN
 They are in and they. Are. Fresh.
 
 
 She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 I love you.
 LORI
 I love you, too.
 
 They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate.
 She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a
 thunder clap from outside.
 
 JOHN
 Ah, come on!
 
 LORI
 (shaking her head)
 I don't understand it, 35 years old, and
 you're still scared of a little thunder.
 
 JOHN
 I am not.
 We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with
 no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and
 John.
 
 TED
 Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
 C'mon, let's sing the thunder song!
 
 JOHN/TED
 (SINGING)
 WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON'T
 YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR
 THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS:
 FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK /
 YOU CAN'T GET ME THUNDER, `CAUSE YOU'RE
 JUST GOD'S FARTS.
 
 TED
 Boomp.
 (CONTINUED)
 30
 CONTINUED:
 
 Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY
 
 Lori enters the building.
 
 
 INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs
 that read "PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS." Lori goes to her
 desk, looking exhausted. Lori's office friends, GINA,
 MICHELLE, and TRACY approach.
 
 GINA
 Wow...Baby, I'm not saying this to be
 nasty, but you look really tired.
 
 LORI
 Oh, I'm okay... except I didn't have time
 for breakfast, the garage was full, I
 spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a
 boyfriend who can't sleep through a storm
 without his teddy bear.
 
 GINA
 I don't understand why you keep putting
 up with him.
 
 TRACY
 Yeah, I mean, the guy's thirty-five years
 old and he's working for a rental car
 service.
 
 LORI
 No, it's not that, I don't care about
 that. I'd love him even if he was a
 janitor. I mean, he's got a huge heart,
 we laugh together all the time, and it's
 just a bonus that he's like the hottest
 guy in Boston.
 
 GINA
 Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is
 like being the classiest Kardashian.
 
 LORI
 I just wish he could get his life
 together, you know? Our life. And he
 can't, and I swear to god, it's all
 because of that bear.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 31
 CONTINUED:
 
 MICHELLE
 You should give him an ultimatum: it's
 you or the bear.
 
 LORI
 I can't do that, he'd be devastated. And
 I mean... what if he chose Ted?
 
 MICHELLE
 Oh come on, you don't really think that.
 
 LORI
 Not really, but what if?
 
 MICHELLE
 Well then... things happen for a reason.
 TRACY
 No they don't. That's just something
 girls say when something bad happens to
 them that they don't understand.
 
 GINA
 **** off, Tracy.
 
 
 INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Lori's boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30's, expensive
 suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering
 of female employees.
 
 REX
 Well hello there. Sorry if I'm
 interrupting any private girl talk about
 Channing Tatum's index finger but Lori I
 need to see you in my office.
 
 LORI
 Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need
 to get to--
 
 REX
 Oh, this is work, I swear.
 
 LORI
 (SIGH)
 Okay, fine.
 
 Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a "help!" look.
 
 MICHELLE
 He's such an **shole.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 32
 CONTINUED:
 
 GINA
 Out of control. Such a sleaze.
 
 TRACY
 You guys are so pathetic. You're
 sh*tting on Rex, and you both had sex
 with him.
 
 Short beat.
 
 GINA/MICHELLE
 Like once./I was drunk.
 
 GINA
 And so did you.
 
 TRACY
 Well, I didn't want one of you whores
 getting promoted before me.
 
 
 INT. REX'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk.
 
 LORI
 So... what do you need to talk to me
 about, Rex?
 
 Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it
 to her.
 
 REX
 See that? That's me on the diving team
 in high school. We dove the sh*t outta
 that pool that year. If you look close,
 you can see the outline of my root.
 
 LORI
 (ANNOYED)
 You promised this was about work.
 
 REX
 Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don't
 you like me? I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
 my dad owns the company--
 
 LORI
 I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you
 know this.
 
 REX
 Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that's
 a cute relationship, but I'm talking
 about being with a real man, Lori.
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 33
 CONTINUED:
 REX (CONT'D)
 Someone who wears a blazer on an
 airplane.
 
 LORI
 (STANDING UP)
 I'm very busy.
 
 REX
 Well then, how do you have all that time
 to be in my head?
 
 LORI
 Goodbye, Rex.
 
 Lori exits Rex's office. Rex casually gets up, strolls
 over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the
 cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells
 his hand.
 
 
 INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET -
 NIGHT
 
 
 INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
 
 John and Lori sit across from each other at a
 romantically set table. They've just finished their
 meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his
 plate.
 
 LORI
 (SATISFIED SIGH)
 That was perfect.
 
 A WAITRESS approaches.
 WAITRESS
 Would you like me to wrap up your
 leftovers?
 
 LORI
 Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
 
 John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell,
 which has the face and eyes on it.
 
 JOHN
 Actually, could you wrap just this up for
 me? I wanna scare the sh*t outta
 somebody.
 
 WAITRESS
 (BEAT)
 Sure.
 (CONTINUED)
 34
 CONTINUED:
 
 The waitress walks away.
 
 LORI
 (MILDLY AMUSED)
 What are you, five years old?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level.
 
 Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two
 glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries.
 
 WAITER
 Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and
 champagne.
 
 LORI
 Ooh, Cristal.
 
 JOHN
 It's a special night. We've been dating
 for four years.
 (TAKING BOTTLE)
 And hey, all those rich black people
 can't be wrong, right?
 
 LORI
 It doesn't seem like four years, does it?
 
 JOHN
 (affectionately taking her
 HAND)
 No, it doesn't.
 
 LORI
 You had no business being out on that
 dance floor, but I'm glad you were.
 
 
 INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
 
 We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of
 dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a
 girl, and doing it very badly. He's putting too much
 into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is
 gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the
 moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move,
 accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force
 to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts
 to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up,
 when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet.
 
 JOHN
 Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I'm so
 sorry!
 (CONTINUED)
 35
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 (a little stunned)
 Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
 
 JOHN
 Oh Jesus, I'm so so sorry! I didn't see
 you! It was an accident!
 
 LORI
 Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an
 accident.
 
 JOHN
 Did you hurt your head?
 
 LORI
 Um, yes. My head hurts a lot.
 JOHN
 Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.
 
 She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out
 a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it
 against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Sorry. Does it hurt?
 
 LORI
 (beat, noticing him for the
 FIRST TIME)
 N... No. No it's okay.
 
 JOHN
 (beat, noticing too)
 I'm... I'm John.
 LORI
 I'm Lori.
 
 They smile at each other...
 
 
 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
 
 LORI
 Okay, here's a question that'll show how
 much you actually care about me. You
 remember we stayed and talked until the
 place closed, and then we went for late
 night eggs and waffles, and we stayed
 there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the
 little TV in the diner. Name the movie.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 36
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Octopussy.
 
 LORI
 Gold star.
 
 JOHN
 But does that show that I care about you,
 or I care about Roger Moore?
 
 LORI
 I'm gonna give you the benefit of the
 doubt.
 
 JOHN
 Thank you. And by the way, my dancing
 was not that bad.
 LORI
 (LAUGHING)
 Your dancing was bad.
 
 JOHN
 I had some cool moves.
 
 LORI
 So do people with Parkinson's.
 
 JOHN
 That's not how I remember it.
 
 LORI
 Yeah, how do you remember it?
 
 
 INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
 We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy
 officer's uniform, a la Ted Stryker in "Airplane!" as
 "Stayin' Alive" blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI,
 who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty.
 John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He
 struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They
 circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off
 his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses
 it O.S. He then strikes a "finger up" disco pose, with a
 bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing
 simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around
 Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to:
 
 
 INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
 
 LORI
 Whatever you say, baby.
 (CONTINUED)
 37
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Hey, here's to four more years, huh?
 
 They clink glasses, and take a sip.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Now I know we said no gifts, but--
 
 LORI
 No, we didn't.
 
 JOHN
 --But, I got you something anyway, in
 clear violation of the "no gift" rule.
 
 LORI
 There was no such rule.
 John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small
 box. Lori looks excited.
 
 JOHN
 Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for
 a long time.
 
 John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up.
 
 LORI
 Oh, John.
 
 Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of
 nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings.
 
 JOHN
 Those are the ones you liked, right?
 From that kiosk at the mall?
 LORI
 Oh. Yeah.
 
 JOHN
 Check out the card.
 
 She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it.
 It says, "Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you."
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 See, I even wrote the words with
 different colored markers so you wouldn't
 get bored while you were reading it.
 
 LORI
 (UNENTHUSED)
 Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is
 for you.
 (CONTINUED)
 38
 CONTINUED:
 
 Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a
 very nice watch.
 
 JOHN
 (OPENS BOX)
 Oh wow, a Hamilton!
 
 He puts it on his wrist.
 
 LORI
 I remember you liked it when you saw Tom
 Brady wearing one in GQ.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is
 so awesome, I love it!
 She reacts a bit to this.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Y'know, Lori...
 (INDICATING BOX)
 Someday, there's gonna be a ring in
 there. But I wanna wait `til I can get
 you something really special, y'know? I
 just don't have the money right now.
 
 LORI
 John, I don't need the Hope diamond, all
 I want is--
 
 JOHN
 I know, but it's important to me that you
 have the engagement ring you deserve.
 And what with the credit bubble... the
 Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti.
 LORI
 Look, I'm only saying this because I love
 you, but that's not realistic. You're
 never gonna have any kind of a career if
 you're always partying and wasting time
 with Ted.
 
 JOHN
 Oh, Jesus, here we go--
 
 LORI
 John, please get him to find his own
 place, so we can get on with our lives.
 
 JOHN
 Look, can we talk about this another
 time, and just enjoy our anniversary
 dinner?
 (CONTINUED)
 39
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 Yeah. Fine. Let's talk about it ten
 years from now.
 
 JOHN
 (rolling his eyes with a
 SIGH)
 Lori, we can't talk about this every time
 we go out. Look, he's been my best
 friend since I was eight. And I was not
 a popular child. You have to understand,
 I had no friends before he came along.
 He's the only reason I ever gained any
 fuckin' confidence. I coulda wound up
 like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but
 I didn't. `Cause of him. So, y'know,
 I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick
 him out.
 
 LORI
 Well, it's good to know that a talking
 teddy bear is the only thing that kept
 you from gunning down your classmates,
 but John, you're not eight. You're
 thirty-five. And unless you're too blind
 to notice, he's not your only friend
 anymore. You have me. And I love you.
 
 JOHN
 I love you, too. You know that.
 
 LORI
 Look, I've put the best physical years of
 my life into this. I mean, I'm cute now,
 but in a few years my body's gonna fall
 off a ******' cliff. Things'll be
 hanging and stretching in ways that might
 scare a man. I need to feel secure in
 the fact that you won't leave me when
 that happens.
 
 JOHN
 Not only will I not leave you, it's gonna
 be even better. `Cause I can have sex
 with you, and press your arm fat against
 a comic book so I can see it backwards.
 
 She laughs. So does he.
 
 LORI
 And, my boobs and vagina will all be in
 the same place, so that's a lot less
 movin' around for you.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 40
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 I can do it all with one hand.
 
 LORI
 Exactly, and you can do whatever you want
 with the other hand.
 
 JOHN
 I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller.
 
 LORI
 We can achieve critical acclaim and
 become rich just by screwing each other.
 
 They both laugh hard.
 
 JOHN
 Well, I hope these jokes have distracted
 you from the actual problems in our
 relationship.
 
 LORI
 (SIGH)
 We can't put the real conversation off
 forever, John.
 
 JOHN
 I dunno, I got a lotta ******' jokes.
 
 
 
 EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
 
 Their car pulls up. They start to get out.
 
 JOHN
 (NOTICING)
 Ah sh*t, hang on, my phone fell under the
 seat somewhere. Can you call it?
 
 Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat,
 we hear The Imperial March from "The Empire Strikes
 Back."
 
 LORI
 That's my ringtone?
 
 JOHN
 (laughs, embarrassed)
 Oh, yeah...
 
 LORI
 What is it? It sounds negative.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 41
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 No, it's from The Notebook.
 
 He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she
 goes inside.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 (STRAINING)
 This is gonna take some doin'.
 
 LORI
 All right, well I'll see you upstairs.
 
 He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside.
 
 
 INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
 Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears
 loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door
 cautiously and opens it, revealing...
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed
 apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on
 the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women.
 They're watching "Romancing the Stone," which plays very
 loudly on the TV.
 
 LORI
 What the **** is all this?!
 
 TED
 Lori! Hey, you're home early! The
 ladies and I were just watching
 "Romancing the Stone." Got it on Blu-
 Ray. Came in a two-pack with "Jewel of
 the Nile," but I don't know that we'll
 end up watchin' that one.
 
 LORI
 This place is a wreck! Who are these
 girls?
 
 TED
 Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is
 Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and
 Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls.
 Y'know, somewhere out there are four
 terrible fathers I wish I could thank for
 this great night.
 
 The girls ad-lib "Hello," "Nice to meet you," etc.
 (CONTINUED)
 42
 CONTINUED:
 
 Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees
 something in the corner.
 
 LORI
 What is that?!!!
 
 TED
 What's what?
 
 LORI
 There is... a sh*t in the corner! On the
 floor! There's a sh*t!
 
 TED
 (LOOKING OVER)
 Oh man, that's what Dierdre was doin'
 over there in the corner for so long.
 Remember, she was crouched over there and
 I thought she was just makin' a call or
 SOMETHIN'--
 
 LORI
 There is a sh*t!! On my floor!!
 
 TED
 Yeah, she's passed out in the bathroom
 now, she seemed like she was hopped up on
 somethin'. I mean, mystery solved, I
 GUESS--
 
 LORI
 What the ****!!!!
 
 TED
 Lori, if I can-- now this is just
 speculation, but... is it possible that
 this is not so much about the stool in
 the corner, and more about maybe
 tonight's dinner not measuring up to your
 expectations?
 
 LORI
 What!!! The ****!!!
 
 Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the
 lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door.
 
 JOHN (V.O.)
 RAAARRRR!!
 
 TED
 (POINTING)
 Ahaaaaa!
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 43
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER)
 Who lives here? I'm comin' to get
 whoever lives here! You owe me lobster
 money!
 
 TED
 (TO GIRL)
 Hahaaa! That's my friend John. Not the
 lobster, the guy runnin' it.
 
 At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone.
 
 JOHN
 Found my phone.
 
 He stops, seeing everyone there.
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 What's goin' on?
 (then, noticing)
 Is that a sh*t?
 
 
 INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON
 
 
 INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME
 
 Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the
 massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to
 observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John
 is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they
 stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He
 seems much more interested in them than in the fish.
 This, we will find out later, is DONNY...
 TED
 God, there are some ****ed up fish out
 there.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah.
 
 TED
 Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough
 guy fish.
 (tough guy voice:)
 "Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion?
 Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!"
 Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish.
 (tight-**s white guy voice:)
 "I don't care for some of Conan O'Brien's
 humor. I don't like Irish humor. And
 this food is too flavorful. I don't care
 for flavor in my food."
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 44
 CONTINUED:
 TED (CONT'D)
 (switching to goofy voice as
 a bottle-nosed fish swims
 BY)
 "Oh hey, sorry I'm late, guys. Hey,
 where's everybody goin'? Any of you guys
 got a tissue? I'm allergic to water."
 
 JOHN
 Ted... you gotta move out.
 
 Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.
 
 TED
 Wh... what?
 
 JOHN
 It's... it's gotta happen.
 Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed.
 
 TED
 What...what did I do?
 
 John looks heartbroken at this response.
 
 
 INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the
 penguin habitat.
 
 JOHN
 Ted, my relationship is at a very
 delicate stage, and, y'know, Lori and I
 may just need a little space right now.
 Plus a hooker took a sh*t in our
 apartment.
 
 TED
 Hey, look, that was a tough night for all
 of us.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
 
 Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is
 trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background,
 we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering
 out from behind the bathroom door.
 
 LORI
 (BEYOND DISGUSTED)
 Oh, god!!
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 45
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Aaaa, what?!
 
 LORI
 It's so gross!!
 
 JOHN
 Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about
 it! Did you get it?
 
 LORI
 No! Oh my god!
 
 JOHN
 Tell me when you get it!
 
 LORI
 AAAA, I got some on my thumb!
 
 JOHN
 AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand
 again! I'm serious, learn to cook other-
 handed!
 
 LORI
 Sh*t!
 
 JOHN
 I'll get the next one, okay?
 
 
 INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY
 
 TED
 She's makin' you do it, isn't she?
 JOHN
 (giving up the bullsh*t)
 Yes. But, that doesn't mean we can't
 hang out. We'll hang out all the time!
 
 TED
 What about... thunder buddies for life,
 Johnny?
 
 JOHN
 I know. ****. I just don't know what to
 do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise
 I'm gonna lose her. And I do love her,
 Ted.
 
 TED
 (SIGH)
 I know you do, Johnny.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 46
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 I'll help you get on your feet out there,
 I promise.
 
 TED
 And we'll hang out a lot, right?
 
 JOHN
 ****, all the time.
 
 TED
 (arms wide for a hug)
 Bring it over here.
 
 John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and
 a high-pitched recorded voice saying "I wuv you." John
 and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.
 TED (CONT'D) JOHN
 That was the-- the thing-- The old-- Yeah-- no, I know-
 that doesn't mean-- I'm not -
 gay.
 
 JOHN
 We've got to get you a job.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON
 
 
 EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
 
 John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a
 coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable.
 
 TED
 I look stupid.
 
 JOHN
 No, you don't. You look dapper.
 
 TED
 I look like Snuggles' accountant. 
 
 They pause as John straightens Ted's tie.
 
 JOHN
 Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make
 some money so you can pay for an
 apartment.
 
 TED
 I don't wanna work at a grocery store.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 47
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Well, you have no skills.
 
 TED
 I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
 
 JOHN
 As I said, you would need a law degree
 from a law school.
 
 TED
 I'm a special case. I'm a ******'
 talking bear. They might make an
 exception `cause they're all like, "Aaa!
 This bear can talk and do stuff! Let's
 give him a job and maybe he'll give us a
 few laughs," but then they're surprised
 at what a stellar performance I'm turnin'
 in. And then they practically have to
 give me the Anderson case.
 
 JOHN
 Look, you get the job, and we'll
 celebrate after.
 
 John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed.
 
 TED
 And if I don't get the job will we still
 smoke that pot?
 
 JOHN
 Probably, yes.
 
 TED
 (patting John on the leg)
 Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach.
 
 
 INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We
 see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at
 the desk, staring at Ted.
 
 FRANK
 So. You think you got what it takes?
 
 TED
 Nope.
 
 FRANK
 (a beat, then)
 No one's ever talked to me like that
 before. You're hired.
 (CONTINUED)
 48
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Shit.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON
 
 (Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common,
 passing various park-goers. The occasional person
 notices and points with a "Hey, isn't that..." sort of
 look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down.
 Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with
 her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on
 the girl's breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye,
 and he and John make their way over to a park bench.
 They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a
 beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint.
 TED
 Well, I'm a former celebrity with a
 minimum wage job. This must be what the
 cast of Different Strokes feels like.
 
 O.S. VOICE
 Excuse me.
 
 John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in
 his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling
 papers on the ground.
 
 ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them
 repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the
 prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less
 creepy man.
 
 DONNY
 I'm sorry to bother you, but my son and I
 couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
 
 ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat
 young Donny from earlier.
 
 JOHN
 (a little uncomfortable)
 Oh. Um, thank you.
 
 DONNY
 I'm Donny. And this is my boy, Robert.
 I have to tell you, I've been fascinated
 by your story ever since I was a boy. I
 remember seeing you on the Carson show.
 You were just wonderful.
 
 BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at
 the dropped weed.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 49
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Yeah, that was ah... that was a good
 time.
 
 DONNY
 (TO JOHN)
 I wonder, is there any chance I could
 purchase the bear from you? For my son?
 
 JOHN/TED
 Huh? / Excuse me?
 
 ROBERT
 (CALM)
 I want it.
 
 TED
 Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he."
 
 JOHN
 (leaning down to his level)
 I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't
 for sale. I've had him since I was about
 your age. He's very special to me.
 
 ROBERT
 Sit up straight when you talk to me.
 
 JOHN
 (RECOILING)
 Ew, why the **** did he say that?
 
 DONNY
 Don't swear in front of my child. Now.
 We are very interested in the bear. If
 you'd like to work out some sort of
 arrangement, here's my address and phone
 number.
 
 He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John
 smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet.
 
 JOHN
 Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the
 really important pocket for really
 important stuff.
 
 Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a
 glance back at Ted as they move off.
 
 TED
 Wow. Can you imagine what that little
 sh*t would do to me?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 50
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Oh man, I can totally see him just taking
 you down to the basement and really
 slowly de-limbing you while singing some
 creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
 
 John tugs on one of Ted's arms trying to creep him out.
 He then breaks into a creepy falsetto.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE
 SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN
 MY LIFE.
 
 TED
 **** you. Why do you have to take it so
 far? Now it's real. **** you again for
 that. C'mon, let's go find a better
 place to get stoned.
 
 They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame,
 slamming right into a ******' tree.
 
 
 EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
 
 John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two
 cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one.
 
 
 INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME
 
 There's a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes.
 John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside
 the doorway.
 JOHN
 Well... I guess this is it, huh?
 
 TED
 Yeah, sure is.
 
 JOHN
 First night on your own.
 
 TED
 Yeah. First night in my beautiful new
 apartment. They say they're ain't hardly
 been no murders here.
 
 They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John
 must leave soon.
 
 JOHN
 Okay... so... if you need anything...
 (CONTINUED)
 51
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 I know.
 
 JOHN
 Seriously, anything...
 
 TED
 I know. I'll be fine, Johnny.
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 I know you will, buddy.
 
 They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly
 turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to
 smile and wave. From John's POV, we see a diminutive-
 looking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as
 the camera recedes.
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
 
 John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches
 TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him.
 
 LORI
 Hey there.
 
 JOHN
 Hey.
 
 LORI
 Listen... I just wanna say thank you.
 What you did with Ted was a big step, and
 I know it wasn't easy, but I just want
 you to know that I love you for it. And,
 I think this a new beginning for our
 relationship.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, anything for you. This is all part
 of the new grown up, adult John Bennett.
 So, get used to him.
 
 She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie.
 
 LORI
 Y'know, I don't have to be at work for
 another twenty minutes...
 
 JOHN
 (guiding her down onto the
 COUCH)
 Ooh, that's perfect, I'm only gonna need
 one.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 52
 CONTINUED:
 
 She laughs, and they kiss.
 
 LORI
 You know what my favorite thing about you
 is? After four years, you can still
 surprise me. To step up and change such
 a big part of your life just to make your
 girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you
 most guys couldn't do it.
 
 JOHN
 Most guys don't have you to motivate `em.
 
 LORI
 I'm sorry if I was pushy about it...
 
 JOHN
 No, you were right! Look, the reason I
 love you so much is the same reason I
 guess I take you for granted sometimes.
 It's `cause you're... inevitable.
 
 LORI
 (huh?)
 Inevitable. Well, that's... romantic? I
 think?
 
 JOHN
 No, what I mean is, there's just no
 version of this universe where you and I
 don't end up together. You're
 inevitable.
 
 LORI
 That sounds like something Stephen
 Hawking would say to his girlfriend.
 JOHN
 But do you get what I'm saying?
 
 LORI
 Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same
 way about you.
 
 They kiss.
 
 LORI (CONT'D)
 (smiling coyly, as she
 NOTICES)
 Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in
 your pocket or are you glad to see me?
 
 John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and
 shows it to her. She cracks up.
 53
 
 
 EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
 
 
 INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME
 
 Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer.
 
 TED
 Thank you, please come again, we have a
 lot more groceries.
 
 The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to
 ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next
 station.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Hey Ellen?
 ELLEN
 Yeah?
 
 TED
 Who's that over there?
 
 ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries
 a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN).
 
 ELLEN
 That's the new bag girl. I don't know
 her name, but she seems cute.
 
 TED
 Yeah. Very cute. You know what I'd like
 to do to her? Somethin' I call a Dirty
 Fozzie.
 Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy
 face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He
 pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes
 widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs
 an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl
 laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid
 sprays all over his face from one side, then from the
 other. WIDEN to reveal he's squirting two bottles of
 pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs
 and shakes her head "no."
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 (TO HIMSELF)
 Okay, so that's where we'll draw the
 line.
 
 
 EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY
 54
 
 
 INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME
 
 John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on
 his iPhone. Tanya approaches.
 
 TANYA
 Hey. How you holding up?
 
 JOHN
 Oh, I'm all right. Just... getting used
 to things, that's all.
 
 TANYA
 It's gonna be all right. Y'know, I went
 through something like this with my last
 boyfriend.
 JOHN
 Really?
 
 TANYA
 Yeah, we were dating for eight months,
 and I was really in love with him, and
 then he was deported back to Iran. So, I
 get it.
 
 JOHN
 Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost
 our furry little guy.
 
 TANYA
 Yeah.
 
 John's phone rings the theme from "Knight Rider." He
 sees Ted's name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling open-
 mouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a
 bra on his head. John picks up.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, Ted.
 
 TED (V.O.)
 Johnny. What are you doin'? You wanna
 come over and catch a buzz?
 
 JOHN
 I could probably swing by after work.
 
 TED (V.O.)
 **** that, I traded off yesterday, so I
 got the night shift. C'mon, I'm bored as
 crap over here, just swing by for a bit.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 55
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 I can't just ditch work, man. Look, I'm
 trying to get my sh*t together and be an
 adult here, y'know? For Lori's sake.
 
 
 INT. TED'S BATHROOM - DAY
 
 Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds
 in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats
 in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from
 him and John.
 
 TED
 John. Five minutes. And then I'll kick
 you out, I promise. C'mon, I picked up
 the "Cheers" DVD box set, and supposedly
 everybody talks sh*t about each other in
 the interviews.
 
 JOHN
 Really?
 
 TED
 Yeah, and apparently George Wendt
 confesses to a rape.
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 Sometimes adults get high.
 
 TED
 They do, John. Sometimes they do.
 
 JOHN
 You'll kick me out in five.
 TED (V.O.)
 John, I have to kick you out. I am
 extraordinarily busy today, I have so
 much teddy bear paperwork to get through,
 it is retarded. Five minutes and you're
 outta here.
 
 John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office.
 
 JOHN
 What do I tell Thomas?
 
 TED
 Just tell him you don't feel well.
 56
 
 
 INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk.
 
 JOHN
 I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried
 to break up a dog fight, and I guess she
 got hurt pretty bad.
 
 THOMAS
 Oh my god.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, she's-- that's the way she is, she
 sees trouble, she tries to help out, and
 I guess one of these dogs clamped his
 jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn't let
 go until the fireman showed up and had to
 stick his finger in his ass.
 
 THOMAS
 Jesus, John.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
 
 THOMAS
 Oh my god.
 (BEAT)
 Up the dog's **s, right?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, that's how they--
 
 THOMAS
 That's how they get `em to stop biting,
 sure.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah.
 
 THOMAS
 Go go go, take care of it, let me know
 how she is.
 
 JOHN
 Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one.
 
 THOMAS
 You don't owe me anything, go.
 
 John smiles wanly, and exits.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 57
 CONTINUED:
 
 THOMAS (CONT'D)
 (looking at his own finger)
 Jesus.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY
 
 
 INT. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - SAME
 
 ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being
 interviewed.
 
 TED DANSON
 Was there cocaine on the set of "Cheers"?
 Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to
 answer that. Um...are there naked ****s
 in gay porn?
 (LAUGHS WARMLY)
 Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I
 mean, it was the eighties. And I was
 king. I was king of the eighties. I was
 Ted ******' Danson. And not only that, I
 was Sam ******' Mayday Malone. Was I
 popular? Gee, lemme think: are there
 naked ****s in gay porn?
 (LAUGHS WARMLY)
 Yes, I was quite beloved.
 
 ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong.
 
 JOHN
 You know, he's exactly who you want him
 to be.
 
 TED
 He is. He is. Someone the likes of
 which we should all aspire to become.
 
 ANGLE BACK ON TV -
 
 TED DANSON
 Woody Harrelson. Smallest **** I've ever
 seen on a man.
 
 ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted -
 
 TED
 (passing him bong)
 Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to
 step it up, and he gave me this.
 
 JOHN
 What is it?
 
 (CONTINUED)
 58
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 It's called Kennedy's Head. It's
 actually pretty mellow.
 
 JOHN
 That doesn't sound very mellow.
 
 TED
 No, it's-- it makes you cerebral. Like
 Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That's what
 it refers to. Decisions under pressure.
 Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it
 up.
 
 John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around.
 
 JOHN
 Y'know, this place looks great.
 
 TED
 Yeah, it's all Ikea. Did the whole
 apartment for 47 dollars.
 
 JOHN
 How are the neighbors?
 
 TED
 There's an Asian family next door, but
 they don't have a gong or nothin', so
 it's fine.
 
 JOHN
 That's lucky.
 
 TED
 How's work?
 JOHN
 Sucks.
 
 TED
 Ah.
 
 JOHN
 You?
 
 TED
 It's actualy not bad. Met a girl. She's
 a bagger.
 
 JOHN
 No way, that's awesome. We should double
 date, you, me Lori and, what's her name?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 59
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 White trash name. Guess.
 
 JOHN
 Uh, Mandy?
 
 TED
 Nope.
 
 JOHN
 Madison?
 
 TED
 Nope.
 
 JOHN
 Britney, Tiffany, Candice?
 TED
 Nope.
 
 JOHN
 Don't ** with me on this. I know this
 sh*t.
 
 TED
 I know you do, and I am not ******' with
 you.
 
 JOHN
 Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna,
 Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra,
 Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
 Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren,
 Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty,
 Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
 Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey,
 Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
 Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla,
 Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky?
 
 TED
 Nope.
 
 JOHN
 Okay, was it any one of those names with
 a Lynn after it?
 
 TED
 Yep.
 
 JOHN
 Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn--
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 60
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Tami-Lynn.
 
 JOHN
 ****!
 
 
 EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
 
 
 INT. RESTAURANT - SAME
 
 John, Ted, Lori and Ted's dolled-up and sort of trashy
 date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat
 dinner.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 See, I was all pissed off `cause me and
 my friend Danielle were supposed to go
 skydiving last year, but then she got
 pregnant from this **shole guy, and so we
 couldn't go and I was all upset, but then
 she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up
 getting to go skydiving, and it was so
 scary but it was so much fun.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, well... it sounds like everything
 worked out then.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 I guess god wanted me to go skydiving,
 y'know?
 
 LORI
 Jesus.
 TAMI-LYNN
 Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever.
 
 TED
 Hey, isn't this great? The four of us
 here, having dinner together? Lori,
 how've you been? Haven't seen you in
 forever.
 
 LORI
 Um, I've been good. Not much going on.
 My company's 20th anniversary is next
 week, that's something.
 
 JOHN
 (proud, to Tami-Lynn)
 Lori's a senior VP at a big PR firm.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 61
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 It's not that big a deal.
 
 TED
 Company's turnin' 20, eh? So you can
 bang it but you can't get it drunk.
 
 Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori
 isn't quite as delighted.
 
 LORI
 (VISIBLY ANNOYED)
 I'm surprised John didn't tell you
 already. Seems like you guys have seen
 each other every day since you moved out.
 
 TED
 Well, it's funny, usually the first item
 on our agenda is "what's goin' on with
 Lori?" So I'm surprised that one slipped
 through the cracks.
 
 JOHN
 We do, we talk about you all the time.
 
 TED
 Right?
 
 JOHN
 Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we
 were talking about... how... neat all of
 Lori's shoes are?
 
 TED
 That was a lengthy conversation.
 JOHN
 And we were saying like, a lot of women
 look like unsteady horses when they wear
 high heels, but Lori has a sort of...
 regal... trot.
 
 TED
 A canter.
 
 JOHN
 Oh my god yes. You canter.
 
 Lori stares at him for a beat, then:
 
 LORI
 So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us
 about yourself. I'm always... fascinated
 to meet Ted's girlfriends.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 62
 CONTINUED:
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 What do you mean girlfriends?
 (TO TED)
 Is there like a lot of `em or somethin'?
 
 TED
 No, no, that's not what she's sayin' at
 all, right Lori?
 
 LORI
 No, right, I was-- all I was doing was
 asking. Ted's very... attractive, I'm
 just always interested in the... type of
 girl that can snatch him up.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 Did you just call me a whore?
 LORI
 What? No, I--
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 You just worry about your own snatch, how
 `bout that, honey?
 
 TED/JOHN
 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell
 happened? We're havin' a friendly meal
 here!
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 Don't talk sh*t to me!
 
 LORI
 I was just asking a question.
 TAMI-LYNN
 You're a friggin' snob! You think you're
 all cool cause you work at some fancy
 sh*t place!
 
 TED
 It's okay, Tami.
 (TO LORI)
 Nice, Lori. Real nice.
 
 LORI
 What?! It's not my fault she can't speak
 English.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 **** you! Just `cause you're all in the
 business world and sh*t, you think
 everyone's supposed to like, suck your
 **shole!
 (CONTINUED)
 63
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let's get outta
 here. We'll go back to my place for a
 couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay?
 See ya, John.
 
 Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the
 table.
 
 LORI
 What a cunt.
 
 JOHN
 (covering ears in pain)
 Ooh! I hate that word.
 
 LORI
 Huh?
 
 JOHN
 That word is so sharp. It's like an
 electric sword, slashing everything in
 its path.
 
 LORI
 Well, you didn't exactly stick up for me.
 
 JOHN
 I... I'm trying to walk a line here, I
 want to be fair to you and to him,
 y'know?
 
 LORI
 Yeah, well, I think you're being a little
 more fair to him.
 JOHN
 (SCOFFING)
 Come on.
 
 LORI
 Y'know, your boss called this morning and
 asked me how my arm was.
 
 JOHN
 (CAUGHT)
 Oh?
 
 LORI
 Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried
 to break up.
 
 JOHN
 Ohh...
 
 (CONTINUED)
 64
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that
 was some bullsh*t lie you made up so you
 could take off work and go to Ted's. Am
 I right?
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 I... I made you out to be a hero.
 
 LORI
 John, Ted moved out so we could give
 ourselves a chance without him. You're
 not really giving anything a chance if
 you're blowing off work to get high with
 your teddy bear.
 JOHN
 It won't happen again, I promise.
 
 LORI
 (with a bit of anger)
 Yes. It will.
 
 A beat. She sighs.
 
 LORI (CONT'D)
 I wanna break up.
 
 JOHN
 (THROWN)
 W... What?
 
 LORI
 I'm just... I'm done. This isn't gonna
 work. We're in two different places.
 JOHN
 Lori, look, I know--
 
 LORI
 You promised me you were gonna grow up
 and take our life together seriously.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, Ted moved out, didn't he? I did
 that for you-- for us! And it wasn't
 easy.
 
 LORI
 Jesus, he might as well still be living
 with us, John. You spend more time with
 him than you do with me.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 65
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Okay, look. I've been getting stoned too
 much. I know that. I've been bumming
 around with Ted too much, I know that,
 too. Give me one more chance, I promise
 I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much,
 please give me one more chance.
 
 LORI
 (BEAT)
 I need a man, John. Not a boy with a
 teddy bear.
 
 JOHN
 I know. Done. Man, right here in front
 of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs.
 Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man
 hair. I just farted. Man fart.
 
 Lori can't help but let a small laugh escape. She
 softens a bit...
 
 LORI
 John... this really is your last chance.
 I can't do this anymore.
 
 JOHN
 You won't have to. Trust me. I love
 you.
 
 He kisses her.
 
 LORI
 (BEAT)
 Okay.
 JOHN
 Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You
 won't be sorry, I swear.
 
 She smiles at him, then:
 
 LORI
 Did you really just fart?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my
 hand.
 
 LORI
 Oh. Wonder where it'll hit first.
 
 WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing
 happens.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 66
 CONTINUED:
 
 Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a
 couple other men and women) screams into his napkin,
 followed by his dining companions.
 
 GUY AT TABLE
 (FURIOUS)
 Who did this to us?!
 
 GUY #2 AT TABLE
 (FURIOUS)
 God **** it! I'm here on business!
 
 
 EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY
 
 
 INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
 Ted's boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a
 clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to
 confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at
 Ellen's register.
 
 FRANK
 What the ****?
 
 He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and
 notices him.
 
 GUY IN LINE
 Hey, dude, you think you could open more
 than one register? There's like a
 thousand people here!
 
 FRANK
 There's supposed to be three registers
 open, for god's sake!
 
 He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms
 off toward the back. He looks around the butcher's
 counter and produce area, then walk into the back
 storeroom.
 
 
 INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE
 ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost
 naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging
 her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away,
 with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock
 and horror.
 67
 
 
 INT. FRANK'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted.
 
 FRANK
 You had sexual intercourse with a
 coworker in a storeroom filled with
 produce that we sell to the public.
 
 TED
 Yes.
 
 FRANK
 (BEAT)
 That took guts. We need guts. I'm
 promoting you.
 TED
 Oh.
 
 
 EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT
 
 We see the "CLOSED" sign on the door. Ted exits,
 finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the
 dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook
 shot into a trash can. He takes the shot:
 
 TED
 Kareem!
 
 The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 You suck, Kareem.
 We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and
 looks around. There appears to be no one in the
 darkness.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Hello?
 
 No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds
 nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who
 stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb.
 
 DONNY
 Hello, Ted.
 
 TED
 Gah! Uh... hi there.
 
 DONNY
 Are you all alone out here?
 (CONTINUED)
 68
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Uh... no. No I'm not. I'm... you know,
 you're never alone when you're with
 Christ.
 
 DONNY
 You know, Robert and I could give you a
 very, very good home.
 
 TED
 I'm... I'm pretty happy where I am. I
 just got a sh*tty new apartment--
 
 DONNY
 I can offer you six thousand dollars in
 railroad bonds. They were left to me by
 my father.
 TED
 Well, gosh, you know, since I just
 returned from active duty in the Civil
 War, that sounds really appealing. Oh
 wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty
 years ago, and I don't give a sh*t.
 
 Tami-Lynn approaches.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 Teddy, come on-- we're gonna have pop
 tarts and cigarettes with my mom before
 she goes to work.
 
 TED
 Yeah, I'm comin', sweetheart.
 (TO DONNY)
 Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I'm
 gonna have to decline.
 
 DONNY
 I really wish you wouldn't...
 
 TED
 Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I'd
 like to thank you for creepin' up my
 night, and... Jesus be with you. In
 Christ.
 
 Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily
 determined.
 69
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. REX'S HOUSE - NIGHT
 
 John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house
 in Cambridge. It's a very impressive estate with no
 expense spared.
 
 LORI
 (smiling at him warmly)
 I'm glad you're here.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your
 boss' **s? That won't affect your
 workplace chemistry, will it?
 
 LORI
 Play nice. Please.
 Rex throws open the door.
 
 REX
 There she is! I was worried you weren't
 coming!
 (TO JOHN)
 Hi kiddo, how ya doin'? Where's your
 bunny rabbit?
 
 JOHN
 He's a bear.
 
 REX
 (ushering them in)
 Got it. "Hey, this house is ******'
 huge!" I know guys, try not to get lost.
 
 INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed
 servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors
 d'ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays
 and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and
 hundreds of guests. A large banner reads "Happy 20th
 Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations."
 
 REX
 Oh, here come the ladies.
 
 Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs
 their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a
 tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass.
 
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 70
 CONTINUED:
 
 REX (CONT'D)
 Say listen, why don't John and I give you
 gals a chance to talk tampax while we go
 grab a drink at the bar, huh?
 
 LORI
 Sure.
 
 
 INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS
 
 Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second
 floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought
 at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not
 like this guy, and definitely does not trust him.
 
 REX
 ...and that's a Wade Boggs autographed
 bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for
 that at auction.
 
 JOHN
 Wow, cool.
 
 REX
 Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were
 worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
 (passing an abstract
 PAINTING)
 This is art. Do you get it?
 (passing wall mounted pair of
 GLASSES) )
 These were John Lennon's glasses. Worth
 about two million dollars.
 (passing photo on wall) )
 That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and
 check this out.
 
 Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand.
 
 REX (CONT'D)
 See that? Know what that is?
 
 JOHN
 (TOUCHING IT)
 No.
 
 REX
 That's Lance Armstrong's nut.
 
 John quickly pulls his hand away.
 
 REX (CONT'D)
 Something, isn't it? Had it freeze-dried
 and bronzed.
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 71
 CONTINUED:
 REX (CONT'D)
 Every now and then, when I feel like my
 life's gettin' me down and things are
 tough, I just come in here and look at
 it, and it reminds me that things aren't
 so bad. That some people have it worse
 than me. I mean, he's only got one ball,
 and I have three. One of them, of
 course, being his.
 
 JOHN
 That's inspiring. You've led a rich
 life.
 
 REX
 I've fucked the sh*t outta life.
 (THEN)
 So talk to me, Goose. How are things
 with you and Lori?
 
 JOHN
 Things are great, actually.
 
 REX
 That's good, that's good.
 
 JOHN
 You know... Lori would hate me for saying
 this, but... she's told me how you are at
 the office, and... as one gentleman to
 another, I just wanna say I really hope
 you ******' get Lou Gehrig's disease.
 
 REX
 Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta
 just clear the air here a little. I...
 just want you to know that... I mean,
 yeah, I'm kind of a "fun-time boss" and
 whatnot, but... look man, I do that with
 everybody at the office! I'm just a
 kook! I have no designs on your
 girlfriend. We work together, and that's
 it. I think you're a great guy and she's
 very lucky.
 
 John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear
 this.
 
 JOHN
 Well... that's good to hear.
 
 REX
 Well, that's how it is, so...there we go.
 
 JOHN
 Okay.
 (CONTINUED)
 72
 CONTINUED:
 
 REX
 Yeah.
 
 They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong's
 nut. John's phone rings the "Knight Rider" theme. John
 answers it.
 
 JOHN
 Hey, Ted.
 
 INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in
 the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the
 background, we see a party in full swing.
 
 TED (V.O.)
 Johnny! You gotta get over here, man!
 JOHN
 Why? What's going on?
 
 TED (V.O.)
 I'm havin' a little impromptu thing with
 some people, and John... Sam Jones is
 here.
 
 JOHN
 What?!
 
 TED (V.O.)
 Sam Jones. Flash ******' Gordon. Is
 here.
 
 JOHN
 Holy shit! How?
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
 
 TED
 Remember I said, my buddy's cousin is
 friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in
 town with his cousin and who's with `em?
 Sam Jones!!
 
 
 INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 TED (V.O.)
 Sam Jones is here, and John...
 (softly, into phone)
 ...his hair is parted down the middle.
 
 JOHN
 (EQUALLY SOFTLY)
 Just like in the movie.
 (CONTINUED)
 73
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Get over here.
 
 JOHN
 ****! I can't... I'm with Lori. I'm
 already on probation here.
 
 John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees
 Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 (AGONIZED)
 I just... I can't.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
 TED
 John. There are moments in a man's life:
 Nathan Hale, "I regret that I have but
 one life to give for my country." Alan
 Hale, "Yes, I accept the role of the
 Skipper on `Gilligan's Island.'"
 
 
 INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 TED (V.O.)
 John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For
 god's sake, come share this with me.
 
 JOHN
 (beat, then:)
 I'm coming.
 
 John hangs up.
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Rex. I gotta go. I'll be back in thirty
 minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out.
 She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
 If you can cover for me... we're cool on
 all that other stuff.
 
 REX
 I got your back, my friend. Been there.
 She'll never know.
 
 JOHN
 This is one man to another. I don't
 really know you, but I'm trusting you.
 As a man. This is serious. Can I trust
 you?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 74
 CONTINUED:
 
 REX
 Dude. One man to another. I got you on
 this.
 
 JOHN
 (RELAXING SOMEWHAT)
 Okay. Thank you.
 
 John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his
 mouth.
 
 REX
 (SMILING)
 I'm gonna make traditional to your
 girlfriend. And then **** her in the
 **s. All right. We have a game plan.
 
 EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 The "Football Fight" music from "Flash Gordon" starts
 playing, as John bolts O.S.
 
 
 EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway.
 He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides
 across the hood of Lori's car, gets in, quickly starts
 the car, and backs out.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT
 
 CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on
 his way to Ted's. Finally, he pulls up to Ted's
 apartment.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
 
 John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it
 can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix
 and Tanya, John's co-workers from Liberty. There are
 also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot
 chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer.
 
 TED
 Johnny! Thank Christ you made it!
 
 JOHN
 (QUICKLY)
 I got ten minutes, where's Flash Gordon?
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 75
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Okay, get ready, man.
 (to someone O.S.)
 Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin'
 you about!
 
 John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.
 The shot slows down into slo-mo as John's eyes widen, and
 he sees...
 
 OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in
 slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting
 the same hairstyle he had in the "Flash Gordon" movie.
 We hear the theme from "Flash Gordon." We INTERCUT back
 and forth from him to John:
 
 ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe.
 ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the
 camera, in John's POV.
 
 ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
 
 ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John's
 POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.
 
 ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
 
 
 EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY
 
 Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie.
 John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around
 Sam's chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle.
 John has a huge, elated smile on his face.
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE
 
 ON John - He still stares in awe.
 
 ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a
 handshake.
 
 BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by
 his side.
 
 TED
 John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my
 best friend in the whole world, John.
 
 SAM
 Hi there. Good to meet you.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 76
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 (in absolute awe)
 I... thank you for saving every one of
 us.
 
 SAM
 You're welcome. Hey, let's do some
 shots, huh?
 
 JOHN
 With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes.
 
 Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort.
 
 SAM
 (raising his glass)
 Death to Ming!
 John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight.
 Everyone then does their shots.
 
 SAM (CONT'D)
 Hey, you guys seem pretty cool.
 (SIGNIFICANTLY)
 You like to party?
 
 John and Ted don't answer for a beat. They look at each
 other nervously. It's clear neither one has any
 experience with this sort of thing.
 
 SAM (CONT'D)
 Aw, come on dudes. Don't tell me you've
 never done it before.
 
 JOHN
 (a little scared)
 Not... recently, no.
 
 SAM
 You fellas better come with me.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John's eyes
 are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of
 powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And
 Sam is just playing it cool.
 
 TED
 Wow.
 
 SAM
 Let's party like the `80's huh?
 
 (CONTINUED)
 77
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 (REVERENTIAL)
 Show us how, Flash.
 
 SAM
 It's easy. We just gotta bang a lotta
 girls named Stephanie.
 
 JOHN
 Holy sh*t.
 (looking around intensely)
 All these people need to be talked to.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across
 the table.
 
 TED
 Look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get
 serious about openin' a restaurant we
 gotta start plannin' it now.
 
 JOHN
 Italian.
 
 TED
 Italian, yes.
 
 JOHN
 What's the special on Tuesdays?
 
 TED
 Eggplant parm.
 JOHN
 Chopped salad half price.
 
 TED
 And it's a non-restricted place.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean?
 
 TED
 Anybody can come.
 
 JOHN
 Of course.
 
 TED
 Mormons are welcome.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 78
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Well yeah--why wouldn't they be?
 
 TED
 Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
 
 JOHN
 But why even bring that up--
 
 TED
 You don't bring it up. You just let `em
 in.
 
 JOHN
 Yeah, but why mention it?
 
 TED
 No one will.
 
 JOHN
 So why are we talking about it?
 
 TED
 You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin'
 let `em in.
 
 JOHN
 Yes, let `em in.
 
 TED
 Exactly.
 
 JOHN
 Right.
 
 TED
 Good.
 
 JOHN
 Okay.
 
 TED
 No Catholics, though.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SAME
 
 Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on
 the couch. He holds a knife.
 
 TED
 No see, I can do this.
 
 GUY #1
 Shut up.
 (CONTINUED)
 79
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman
 reflexes.
 
 GUY #2
 Let him try it, man.
 
 GUY #1
 **** it, all right.
 
 Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted
 starts doing the knife trick from "Aliens". He gets it
 right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through
 the hand. The guy screams in pain.
 
 TED
 Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I'm
 on drugs!
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head,
 doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers
 (Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically.
 
 JOHN
 (AS TED)
 Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea--
 let's go get drunk and puke on cars from
 the overpass!
 
 TED
 Oh god, that was a fun day.
 
 JOHN
 (AS TED)
 Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I
 just tried this DMT all the kids are
 talkin' about, and I'm in trouble! I
 think I got sucked inside my chair!
 
 TED
 I do not sound that much like Peter
 Griffin.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on
 a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle
 and the mouth, and above them the ears.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 80
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes
 look like a pair of tits.
 
 TAMI-LYNN
 Okay, you were right.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of "I
 Only Want to be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
 
 TED
 Okay, Johnny, c'mon up here and do this
 with me!
 JOHN
 No no.
 
 TED
 Come on!
 
 JOHN
 No, I don't sing in front of people!
 
 TED
 YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT
 WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I
 LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU'RE
 CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M SUCH A BABY
 `CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE'S
 NOTHING I CAN DO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A
 GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU'VE GOT
 NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I'LL ONLY POUT AT
 YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON'T DANCE.
 YOU WON'T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
 BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL
 THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE
 WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I
 ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.
 
 
 INT. TED'S BEDROOM - LATER
 
 Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall.
 
 TED
 See there's this one part of the wall
 that's really soft, you could punch
 through it wicked easy.
 
 Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes
 right through.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 81
 CONTINUED:
 
 SAM/TED/JOHN
 Holy sh*t! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc.
 
 Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame
 through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then,
 
 ASIAN MAN
 What the **** you problem!! You break my
 wall! You break my wall I break you
 wall!
 
 The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted,
 and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as
 they frantically try to get the knife.
 
 JOHN
 AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut
 his arm off!!
 
 Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
 
 There's an angry pounding on the door. One of the party
 guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in
 Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a
 live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out
 into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them,
 screaming first in Cantonese, then:
 
 ASIAN MAN
 You break my wall! This my home long
 time! You break my wall! You *******=
 men!
 JOHN/TED
 Dude, we're sorry! We're sorry!
 
 ASIAN MAN
 You ******* men! I try to make duck
 dinner, now plaster everywhere!
 
 TED
 Chill out okay? We'll pay for it! Let's
 talk this out okay? What's your name?
 I'm John!
 
 ASIAN MAN
 (CAUTIOUSLY)
 My name Wan Ming.
 
 FLASH
 (NARROWING EYES)
 Ming!
 (CONTINUED)
 82
 CONTINUED:
 
 SAM'S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the
 Merciless.
 
 ASIAN MAN
 You pay many dollar for wall! This
 bullsh*t! This all bullsh*t!
 
 SAM
 DEATH TO MING!!!
 
 Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both
 tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it
 over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the
 floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams.
 ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor.
 John struggles to pull him off.
 JOHN
 Sam, no! Get off him!
 
 ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the
 duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS
 FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the
 other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward,
 falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it
 in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other.
 
 ASIAN MAN
 You crazy! You crazy man!
 
 The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a
 few times with its wings.
 
 TED
 AAA! AAAA! OW!!
 The Asian man calls to the duck from the door.
 
 ASIAN MAN
 Come on, James Franco!
 
 The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to
 the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms.
 
 ASIAN MAN (CONT'D)
 (to John and Sam)
 You pay for wall!
 
 He exits, slamming the door.
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with
 another man.
 (CONTINUED)
 83
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Guy?
 
 GUY
 Hey. What's goin' on. This is Jared.
 He's the guy who beat me up. We're in
 love.
 
 JOHN
 What??
 
 GUY
 Yeah. Turns out I'm gay or whatever.
 Had no idea. C'mon Jared, let's get a
 drink.
 
 He and Jared walk off.
 ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out
 and drained. Sam Jones approaches.
 
 SAM
 How you doin' there, ace? You comin'
 down?
 
 JOHN
 Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel good.
 
 SAM
 Give it a couple hours, you'll be golden,
 Pony Boy. Want a Xanax?
 
 John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked
 realization.
 
 JOHN
 Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t, oh my god!
 
 SAM
 What?
 
 JOHN
 I gotta-- I gotta go! Sh*t!
 
 John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door.
 
 
 INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS
 
 John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs
 partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees
 Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They
 stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt,
 angry, and betrayed as a woman can be.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 84
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Lori... I...
 
 He throws up all over the floor.
 
 
 EXT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs
 out after her.
 
 JOHN
 Lori! Lori wait!
 
 She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John
 catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him
 off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears.
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 I'm sorry! I messed up! I--
 
 LORI
 I want you out of the apartment...
 tonight. Gimme my car keys.
 
 JOHN
 Can I please just explain--
 
 LORI
 No.
 
 JOHN
 I was gonna--
 
 LORI
 I have given up a big chunk of my life
 for you.
 
 JOHN
 I was gonna stop in for like five
 minutes, and then Flash Gordon--
 
 LORI
 Just give me my keys, John!
 
 He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks
 toward her car.
 
 JOHN
 Lori... please. I love you.
 
 She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.
 Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 85
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn's
 gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.
 
 JOHN
 **** you! I don't want to talk to you!
 
 TED
 What?
 
 JOHN
 Do you know what just happened? Do you
 have any clue? My life just ended.
 
 TED
 Oh come on, she'll go home, watch Bridget
 Jones' Somethin' **shole, cry a little
 bit, she'll be fine, you'll talk to her
 tomorrow.
 
 JOHN
 (EXPLODING)
 Are you even listening to me?! Do you
 give any shred of a sh*t?!
 
 Ted pauses, realizing John is serious.
 
 TED
 Well... `course I do, Johnny. Thunder
 buddies for life.
 
 JOHN
 Jesus, Lori was right. I should have
 stopped hanging out with you a long time
 ago. I'm never gonna have a life with you
 around. I'm 35 years old and I'm going
 nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch
 movies with a teddy ******' bear. And
 because of that, I just lost the love of
 my life.
 
 TED
 Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
 
 JOHN
 I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I
 can't see you anymore.
 
 John turns and walks away.
 
 TED
 Johnny, wait! Hey, listen!
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 86
 CONTINUED:
 
 Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox
 squeak out the words "I wuv you." John does not turn
 around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head
 sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD
 
 
 EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
 
 John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside.
 
 
 INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
 John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips
 through the channels, seeing various clips of shows.
 Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet,
 and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT
 
 John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball
 stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and
 "looks the other way" as he taps it in with his foot.
 She smiles warmly at him.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET
 
 John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to
 the ducks. They're both leaning over the side with their
 hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of
 hers. They look at each other, and share a slow,
 romantic kiss.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face
 wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget
 Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is
 looking at the screen, but is really looking inward...
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 87
 
 
 EXT. BEACH - DUSK
 
 ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and
 Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses
 her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something
 O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab.
 He dangles it in Lori's face. She freaks out, and runs
 into the water. They both laugh.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to
 reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of
 candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen
 wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a
 candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her
 mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down,
 and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her
 head.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 SLOW PAN ACROSS TED'S APARTMENT - The party is now over.
 Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO
 TED'S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping
 through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at
 a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE
 PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the
 snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a
 soapbox car that they have built and painted.
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
 
 8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the
 soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet.
 John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the
 hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering
 the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the
 ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs
 off with him. John sprints after the dog.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 88
 
 
 INT. JOHN'S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT
 
 ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
 5th season!" ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching
 TV, laughing hysterically.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
 
 The marquee out front reads "Star Wars: The Phantom
 Menace." We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually
 getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as
 Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly
 wait in line.
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY
 
 
 INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME
 
 John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his
 mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it
 off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a "hang
 on, check this out" gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the
 stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted
 is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and
 looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up
 to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring
 the shit out of them. They run away, crying and
 traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically.
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY
 
 John and Lori paint the walls of their then new
 apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on
 each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other
 side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He
 shakes his head in a "whatever" fashion, and walks toward
 the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe
 of paint going down his back.
 
 
 EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATER
 
 Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and
 a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and
 goes to light it.
 (CONTINUED)
 89
 CONTINUED:
 
 He then notices something out of the corner of his eye.
 He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the
 cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk
 shuffles through frame after him.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches
 20th season!" ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching
 TV, expressionless and bored-looking.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 INT./ ESTAB. LORI'S OFFICE - DAY
 
 
 INT. REX'S OFFICE - SAME
 
 Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window.
 
 REX
 So, word through the grapevine is you are
 newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah
 Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I
 would love it if you'd go with me.
 
 LORI
 You're asking me out the day after I
 broke up with someone.
 
 REX
 Look, I'm gonna cut the sh*t here.
 LORI
 Okay.
 
 REX
 This is the first time you've been single
 in all the years you've worked here.
 Just go out with me one time. And if
 you're miserable and you hate it, I
 promise I will never even hint at the
 subject again. Please.
 
 LORI
 Rex, I don't think it's smart.
 
 REX
 Look, I'm an asshole. I know that. It
 worked for me in high school, and it's
 been like a reflex ever since.
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 90
 CONTINUED:
 REX (CONT'D)
 (sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is
 you have a fun, casual date with a guy
 who only wants a chance to prove to you
 that he can be something more than a
 jerk. Besides, you're a huge catch and
 it's about time somebody treated you that
 way.
 
 LORI
 Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to
 sleep every night.
 
 REX
 Great. Pick you up at seven?
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT
 It's raining outside.
 
 
 INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME
 
 John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic
 book. There's a knock at the door.
 
 JOHN
 Who is it?
 
 TED
 Johnny, it's me.
 
 JOHN
 Go away.
 
 TED
 Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna
 talk.
 
 John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window
 slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing
 on the floor, soaked.
 
 JOHN
 JESUS--
 
 Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John
 flinches back, trying not to get wet.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Jesus Christ!
 
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 91
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're
 pissed, but just listen to me for five
 seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with
 Rex.
 
 JOHN
 What?
 
 TED
 I'm serious, John, I went over to your
 house to talk to Lori to try and take
 some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex
 picking her up. They were going to the
 Hatch Shell.
 
 JOHN
 You're un-******'-believable, you know
 that? How stupid do you think I am?
 First of all, Lori would never go out
 with Rex, and second of all, if you think
 that by making sh*t like that up you're
 gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty
 to you over her--
 
 TED
 Johnny, it's the truth. I'm tellin' ya--
 
 JOHN
 Get outta here.
 
 TED
 (BEAT)
 You know, you're actin' like a cock, you
 know that?
 JOHN
 What? I'm acting like a cock?
 
 TED
 Yes. You are actin' like a giant, V-
 shaped-funny-lookin'-guy-in-a-porno cock.
 
 JOHN
 Huh?
 
 TED
 `Member that porno we saw with the guy
 with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What
 I'm sayin' is that you're blamin' me for
 somethin' you did to yourself.
 
 John glares at him.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 92
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Lori was right about you. You can't take
 responsibility for anything that goes on
 in your life.
 
 JOHN
 Oh, and you can?
 
 TED
 I don't have to, I'm a ******' teddy
 bear! Y'know somethin', I didn't tie you
 up and drag you to that party. I wanted
 you to come because you're supposedly my
 best friend.
 
 JOHN
 Oh, yeah? Is that why you've manipulated
 me for years to stay eternally eight
 years old at the expense of the rest of
 my life?
 
 TED
 Whoa whoa, it's not my fault you didn't
 care enough about your relationship.
 
 JOHN
 You can't stand there and tell me you
 haven't always seen Lori as a threat to
 our friendship! It works out so much
 better for you when you and I are getting
 ****ed up on the couch at 9 am, doesn't
 it?
 
 TED
 Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I,
 Emperor Ming here, controllin' your mind?
 That's your choice, John! And you know,
 by blamin' me, you just make yourself
 look like a pussy.
 
 JOHN
 (BEAT)
 You know... sometimes I think back to
 that Christmas morning when I was eight
 years old... and I wish I'd just gotten a
 Teddy Ruxpin.
 
 TED
 (BEAT)
 Say that one more time.
 
 JOHN
 Teddy... Rux-******'-pin.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 93
 CONTINUED:
 
 Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him,
 wrapping his whole body around John's face and head, like
 the facehuggers from "Aliens." John stumbles around the
 room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles
 into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door,
 shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face.
 John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted
 flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted
 hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John
 stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed,
 reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible.
 John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be
 pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 AAAAAA!!! ******' Jesus ******' Christ!
 god ******' **** it!!!
 Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and
 the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat,
 each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor).
 John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling
 him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the
 process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in
 a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a
 number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back
 onto the bed. Ted taunts him.
 
 TED
 C'mon, mother****er!
 
 John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted
 dodges, and John's fist goes into the wall above the
 headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about
 with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again,
 and scrambles up John's head, jumping up and grabbing the
 chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted
 to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles
 backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing
 lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall,
 and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out
 of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord
 catches on the fan's motor. The lamp is ripped from
 John's grasp, it swings around through the air, and
 cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down,
 whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the
 bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach,
 clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He
 jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the
 clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor,
 yanks John's pants partway down, and starts whipping his
 bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks
 blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face,
 and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 94
 CONTINUED:
 
 The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a
 crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV
 on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily.
 Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over
 to him. Both breathe heavily. John's breathing
 deteriorates into sobs.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 (BREATHING HEAVILY)
 Why...why are you crying?
 
 JOHN
 My **** is in the TV.
 
 John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and
 up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies
 down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself.
 TED
 I'm so sorry, Johnny. I'm so sorry.
 
 JOHN
 So am I, man.
 
 TED
 I love you.
 
 JOHN
 I love you, too.
 
 John hugs Ted, who hugs him back.
 
 TED
 Listen... you gotta let me help you make
 things right with you and Lori.
 JOHN
 There is no putting things right. She
 hates me.
 
 TED
 No, John, we can get her back. Look,
 remember when you were ten, and you hit
 that squirrel with your BB gun, and then
 when we saw it fall from the tree we both
 starting crying? Remember? And then we
 ran up to it and tried to give it CPR?
 And it came back to life? John, we could
 do that again.
 
 JOHN
 Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out
 its lungs trying to give it CPR. It
 died.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 95
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 (LONG BEAT)
 We can get Lori back.
 
 
 EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT
 
 A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert.
 They cheer as she sings "Come Away With Me," backed by a
 large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer
 in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to
 be having a fantastic time.
 
 REX
 God, she's so brave. YOUR MUSIC IS SO
 ******' BRAVE!!
 Norah finishes the song.
 
 NORAH
 Thanks so much! We're gonna take a short
 break, but we'll be back in a few!
 
 The crowd cheers.
 
 
 INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES.
 We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and
 pours a drink.
 
 TED (O.S.)
 Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut!
 
 NORAH
 (turning, recognizing)
 Teddy!! How you doin', you fuzzy little
 **shole?
 
 She hugs him.
 
 TED
 Well, I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who
 sold 37 million records, but I'm hangin'
 in there.
 
 NORAH
 Well, half-Indian, but thanks.
 
 TED
 Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want
 you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey
 Johnny, come on in!
 
 (CONTINUED)
 96
 CONTINUED:
 
 ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little
 nervous.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Norah, this is my friend John.
 
 JOHN
 (SELF-CONSCIOUSLY EXTENDS
 HAND)
 Hi. Hi, Norah Jones.
 
 NORAH
 (shaking his hand)
 Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You
 ready to bring down the house?
 
 JOHN
 Yes ma'am. Thank you for the
 opportunity, Ms.-- Ma'am Jones.
 
 TED
 Jesus, you look fantastic.
 
 NORAH
 Well, you're probably not used to seeing
 me fully clothed.
 
 TED
 Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at
 Belinda Carlisle's house and we had
 awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
 
 NORAH
 Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy
 with no *****.
 TED
 I have written so many letters to Hasbro
 about that.
 
 
 EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the
 piano.
 
 NORAH
 Okay, I'm gonna give my chops a rest here
 and invite a friend of mine up to the
 stage. He's gonna sing a song to a very
 special lady in the audience who he loves
 very much. Let's give a big hand to John
 Bennett!
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 97
 CONTINUED:
 
 The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage.
 ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked.
 
 LORI
 Oh my god.
 
 John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori.
 
 JOHN
 Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins.
 Because I love her. This song always
 reminds me of the most important night of
 my life. The night we met. It's the
 theme song from the movie "Octopussy."
 
 The band begins playing. "All Time High". Inexplicably,
 Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on.
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR
 AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO
 THE THINGS WE'VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT
 ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON'T
 LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE'RE TWO OF A
 KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE
 
 ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we
 see that Lori is softening. It's working...
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 WE'RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE'LL CHANGE ALL
 THAT'S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE /
 THAN FALLING IN LOVE
 
 REX
 (fake voice, covering his
 mouth and looking away)
 You suck, get off the stage!
 (then, for Lori's benefit)
 Hey, come on guys!
 
 The crowd starts to take the cue.
 
 CROWD
 Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! /
 We wanna hear Norah! / Come on!
 
 ANGLE ON Ted in the wings.
 
 TED
 Ah, god.
 
 JOHN
 SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT
 BEGIN...
 (CONTINUED)
 98
 CONTINUED:
 
 ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage,
 racing toward John.
 
 CRAZY GUY
 You're an **shole!
 
 John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at
 the last second, so the base is sticking out
 horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing
 himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and
 bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops.
 
 NORAH
 Jesus.
 
 A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy.
 STAGEHAND
 Someone call an ambulance!
 
 The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is
 only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori
 and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the
 frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert
 security personnel haul him offstage.
 
 
 EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
 
 Rex escorts Lori to his car.
 
 REX
 That was insane. Did you see the way
 that guy's body hit the ground? It was
 like a rag doll!
 LORI
 Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.
 
 REX
 You want to go get a drink after this? I
 feel like I could use one after seeing a
 guy almost die.
 
 LORI
 Nope, I think I'd rather you just take me
 home.
 
 REX
 One drink, come on.
 
 LORI
 Nope, not really feeling up to it.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 99
 CONTINUED:
 
 REX
 Alright, alright, I get it. I don't
 blame you. When you think about it, it
 was actually really unfair of him to
 embarrass you like that.
 
 LORI
 Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed.
 Listen, John and I may have our problems
 but at least he tried. You know what? I
 don't feel like talking to you about
 this.
 
 She walks away.
 
 REX
 Where you going?
 LORI
 Taking a cab. I'm going home.
 
 As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and
 releases a fart.
 
 REX
 Finally.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME
 
 Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off,
 still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex.
 After a few moments, there's a knock at the door. Lori
 sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her
 towel. She looks through the peephole, but there's no
 one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out
 into the hall. There's no one there.
 
 TED (O.S.)
 Down here, I swear to god I'm not lookin'
 up your towel.
 
 She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there.
 He's blocking his view with one hand.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Not lookin' up your towel. Not lookin'
 at your funny business.
 
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 100
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 (pulling towel closer to her)
 Ted? What're you doing here? What do
 you want?
 
 TED
 I need to talk to you.
 
 LORI
 Look, if you're here to fight John's
 battle for hi--
 
 TED
 Lori, do me a favor and let me talk
 first, and then you can say whatever you
 want.
 There's a beat. She reluctantly considers.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
 
 Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted.
 
 TED
 Look, John loves you very much. More
 than anything in the world. And he's
 fallin' to ******' pieces without you.
 He knows he screwed up big time, but you
 gotta believe me that is wasn't all his
 fault. If you'll just give him one more
 chance to be with you--
 
 She rolls her eyes.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Listen to me! If you'll just give him
 one more chance... I promise I will leave
 and never come back. He'll be all yours.
 Just give him one more chance.
 
 LORI
 Ted... that's a very nice offer, but I
 don't want you to do that. This is about
 John and me and our problems. And I
 don't think it can be fixed.
 
 TED
 Because of me! Look, you want him to be
 a man. And I'm the one who's keepin'
 that from happening. As long as he's got
 his teddy bear, he's still a boy. And I
 care about him as much as you do. But
 I'm willing to give up the boy so you can
 have the man.
 (CONTINUED)
 101
 CONTINUED:
 
 We can see Lori starting to soften a bit.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Look, I'm givin' this the best shot I got
 here, Lori. I'm beggin' you. I'm no
 good at this emotional crap, but I gotta
 help my best friend. Please. Just talk
 to him.
 
 LORI
 (SIGH)
 I'll talk to him.
 
 TED
 Thank you. He's waitin' for me down at
 Charley's. So... maybe you could,
 y'know... go down instead of me?
 LORI
 What... now?
 
 TED
 Please. You'll regret it for the rest of
 your life if you don't.
 
 LORI
 Alright, alright, I'll go.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the
 door. Ted is on the couch watching TV.
 
 TED
 (flipping on TV)
 Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the
 Sox?
 
 The door shuts and she's gone. Ted gets up and walks
 into the kitchen. He opens the fridge.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge.
 Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water
 filter.
 
 He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of
 beer bottles.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.
 My god, America is imploding.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 102
 CONTINUED:
 
 He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into
 the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and
 watches the game. After a moment, there's a knock at the
 door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Forget your keys?
 
 He walks to the door, and opens it up.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 You know, your beer suck--
 
 He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy
 man from earlier, with his son Robert.
 
 DONNY
 Hi, Ted.
 
 TED
 ****.
 
 Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him.
 
 
 EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY'S - LATER DAY
 
 Lori's car pulls up, and she gets out.
 
 
 INT. CHARLEY'S - CONTINUOUS
 
 Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks
 up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs
 and walks over to him.
 JOHN
 Lori! What-- what are you doing here?
 
 LORI
 You can thank Ted.
 
 A beat. John smiles slightly.
 
 LORI (CONT'D)
 How are you?
 
 JOHN
 Good, good. I've, uh... made myself a
 nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up
 the street. I'd show you around, but
 it's kinda classy. They require an
 undershirt and at least one visible cold
 sore for all customers.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 103
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 (LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)
 Well. Shall I sit?
 
 JOHN
 Uh, yeah.
 
 She does. There's a beat. A busboy brings them each a
 water.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 So, work's good? Everything good there?
 
 LORI
 Yeah. Work's fine.
 
 JOHN
 How's Rex?
 
 LORI
 There is no Rex.
 
 JOHN
 Oh. Good.
 (BEAT)
 Well... I guess we can't make small talk
 all day, so I'll say what I wanna say. I
 could sit here and tell you I'm sorry, it
 was a huge misunderstanding, and I'm
 ready to change. But I don't think you
 wanna hear any of that crap. I'm not
 gonna try and get you to take me back.
 Why would you? I've been a really sh*tty
 boyfriend for the last four years. I
 don't deserve you. I didn't take our
 relationship seriously, even though I
 love you more than life itself. All I
 want is... just to end on good terms.
 Because I owe that to you. I want you to
 be happy... and for us to be friends.
 
 LORI
 (a little taken aback)
 Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that.
 
 JOHN
 Well. That's pretty much it.
 
 He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying
 the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits
 there for a beat.
 104
 
 
 EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
 
 Donny's car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily
 shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in
 "Silence of the Lambs"). It's close to one end of the
 base of a bridge.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
 
 Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps
 Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It's just as
 shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls,
 there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings,
 photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted's media
 heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in
 public that Donny clearly took himself.
 TED
 Whoa...
 
 DONNY
 Yes, as you can see, you've been part of
 our family for quite some time. Welcome
 home.
 
 TED
 Heh, you know what's hilarious, I got
 tons of pictures of you guys at my house.
 
 ROBERT
 Daddy, is he all mine?
 
 DONNY
 He's all yours, my little winner.
 You've arrived at a lucky time, Ted.
 It's almost Robert's play hour.
 
 TED
 I'm guessin' you guys don't have a PS3.
 I'm guessin' you're more of a wooden
 horse with a wig kinda family.
 
 
 INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Ted is led into Robert's room. It's a fairly sparse room
 with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with
 a wig stands in the corner.
 
 TED
 Huh. Wig horse.
 
 Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny
 stands in the doorway.
 (CONTINUED)
 105
 CONTINUED:
 
 DONNY
 Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert
 now. So you will do as he says.
 
 TED
 Y'know, you think you're just gonna get
 away with a kidnapping? Nice ******'
 example you're settin' for your kid.
 
 DONNY
 (leaning in to Ted with
 ANGER)
 LANGUAGE!!!
 
 Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back.
 
 DONNY (CONT'D)
 When I was a little boy, I saw you on
 television. And I thought you were the
 most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd
 ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father
 if I could have a magical teddy bear,
 too. And he said no. And I was
 heartbroken. I decided that if I ever
 had a son, I would never say no to him.
 
 TED
 Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once
 in awhile wouldn't hurt.
 
 ROBERT
 Me and Ted are gonna be best friends,
 daddy.
 
 DONNY
 Yes. You are. Happy play time.
 Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted.
 
 TED
 Jesus ******' Christ!
 
 ROBERT
 No! Daddy said no bad words!
 
 TED
 Yeah well, **** your dad.
 
 Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It
 doesn't budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just
 bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 Sh*t!
 
 (CONTINUED)
 106
 CONTINUED:
 
 Robert stands over him.
 
 ROBERT
 I said a bad word one time, and daddy
 punished me for it.
 
 TED
 That's a great story, I felt like I was
 there.
 
 ROBERT
 Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to
 give you an ouch.
 
 Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of
 Ted's ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear
 as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as
 loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear.
 
 TED
 Okay... okay, kid. You win. We'll do it
 your way. You wanna play a game or
 somethin'? It's play time, let's play a
 game.
 
 ROBERT
 Yeah, I wanna play a game!
 
 TED
 Good, good, hey, how `bout we play a
 little game of hide and seek?
 
 ROBERT
 I love hide and seek! I'll hide!
 
 TED
 Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to
 show good manners, right?
 
 ROBERT
 Yes.
 
 TED
 Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest
 hide first, don't ya think?
 
 There's a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then:
 
 ROBERT
 Okay, you hide first.
 
 TED
 Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count
 to a hundred and then try to find me,
 okay?
 (CONTINUED)
 107
 CONTINUED:
 
 ROBERT
 Do I need to wash my hands before this
 game?
 
 TED
 You... well-- no, you-- god, that's a
 weird ******' question, no, just start
 countin'.
 
 Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting.
 
 ROBERT
 One... two... three...
 
 Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the
 door.
 TED
 Okay, no peekin', now, or you'll get kid
 cancer.
 
 Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns
 the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the
 hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed
 ear, and exits again.
 
 
 INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY
 
 Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front
 door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living
 room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway,
 he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching
 The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back
 into the hallway before he's seen, but in the process,
 bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick
 knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin,
 falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the
 direction of the hallway.
 
 DONNY
 (BEAT)
 Robert? How's play time?
 
 
 INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - LATE DAY
 
 Robert's hands still cover his eyes.
 
 ROBERT
 Good, daddy!
 108
 
 
 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY
 
 DONNY
 Ted, are you making friends with Robert?
 
 Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat,
 Donny leans forward as if he's about to get up.
 
 DONNY (CONT'D)
 Ted?
 
 ROBERT (O.S.)
 Daddy, you're gonna ruin the game!
 
 DONNY
 (CHUCKLING)
 Okay.
 Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way
 down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it's
 just a storage closet. He's about to shut it, but
 notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily
 begins stapling his ear back on.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny's hears something, and turns to look. We think
 he's about to get up, but he then settles back in.
 
 ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in.
 Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the
 hall.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
 Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He
 jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He
 dials John's number.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
 
 John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat,
 Lori's car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans
 over.
 
 LORI
 Hey.
 
 JOHN
 Hey.
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 109
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 Kinda late to be walkin' home by
 yourself.
 
 JOHN
 Oh, I'll be okay. If I get raped, it'll
 be my fault with what I'm wearing.
 
 LORI
 Listen, John... there's something I wanna
 say to you, too.
 
 He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to
 her. She prepares to speak, but John's phone rings. He
 shuts it off without looking at it.
 
 JOHN
 Go ahead.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK
 
 Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
 
 LORI
 John, I just want you to know that... I
 mean, I hope you don't think that--
 
 John's phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It
 reads "Unknown caller." He silences it.
 
 LORI (CONT'D)
 I, um... I just feel like we should...
 keep talking. Because--
 
 John's phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it.
 
 JOHN
 Whoever this is, it's not a good time.
 
 INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN:
 
 TED
 John! It's me! Can you hear me?
 
 JOHN
 Ted?
 
 Lori sighs, slightly annoyed.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Listen, I gotta call you back.
 (CONTINUED)
 110
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 No, John! Don't hang up, I'm in trouble!
 
 JOHN
 What do you mean, what kinda trouble?
 
 Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed.
 
 TED
 They got me! That freaky guy and his
 freaky fat kid!
 
 JOHN
 What?
 
 TED
 I'm in their house, John! You gotta call
 the police, they won't let me outta here!
 They tore my ear off!
 
 JOHN
 Wait, slow down! Where are you?
 
 TED
 Uh... I'm not sure, it's uh--
 
 Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps
 and looks up. It's Donny, who slams the phone back down
 in its cradle.
 
 DONNY
 (dark, brewing rage)
 You're not a very polite guest.
 
 TED
 Sh*t.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK
 
 JOHN
 (INTO PHONE)
 Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted!
 
 LORI
 What's the matter, is he all right?
 
 JOHN
 I don't know.
 
 LORI
 Where is he?
 
 JOHN
 I don't know, but he's in trouble.
 (CONTINUED)
 111
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 Why? What happened? Can you call him
 back?
 
 JOHN
 No, it's blocked-- wait a second.
 
 John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls
 out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the
 Common. He looks at it, then points out the window.
 
 JOHN (CONT'D)
 Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on
 the expressway!
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS
 Lori's car peels out and races off.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY
 
 Donny stands over Ted.
 
 DONNY
 You've put us in a pickle here, haven't
 you? We have to go now.
 
 TED
 Yeah, good idea.
 
 Ted runs through Donny's legs, and out into the hall. He
 races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps
 in front of the door, blocking him.
 TED (CONT'D)
 Aaaa!
 
 ROBERT
 Found you.
 
 Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted
 turns and bolts in the other direction back down the
 hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into
 the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses.
 
 
 INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the
 table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and
 Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them
 and back out into the hall.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 112
 CONTINUED:
 
 He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to
 reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a
 door.
 
 
 INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which
 is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling.
 He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he
 sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and
 mutilated teddy bears.
 
 TED
 AAAAAA!
 
 Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him.
 DONNY
 We tried to make do with other teddy
 bears. But none of them were you, Ted.
 
 Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to:
 
 
 EXT. STREET - DUSK
 
 John and Lori race through the streets of Boston.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK
 
 JOHN
 It's this creepy ****ed-up guy who wants
 Ted for his creepy ****ed-up son. They
 got him somehow.
 LORI
 Which way?
 
 JOHN
 Shoot up 99!
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
 
 The car makes a hard left.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
 
 John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 113
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 (INTO PHONE)
 Hello, 911? I need the police right
 away! This guy took my teddy bear!
 (BEAT)
 ...Hello?
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
 
 Lori's car speeds away.
 
 
 EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
 
 Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches
 the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get
 free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny
 opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny
 slams the door. He gets into the car.
 
 DONNY
 Robert, seat belt.
 
 Robert buckles up.
 
 EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny pulls away down the alley.
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 Ted scrambles to his feet.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 John looks around frantically, then spots something out
 of the passenger's side window.
 
 JOHN'S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny's
 car heading out of the alleyway.
 
 JOHN
 (TO LORI)
 Whoa whoa, stop stop stop!
 
 The car slows down, and John sees Donny's car make the
 turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back.
 114
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 TED
 Johnny!
 
 Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his side-
 view mirror, just in time to see Lori's car swing a U-
 turn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up
 the street. Lori's car speeds up in pursuit.
 
 
 EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT
 
 We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way
 through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and
 pedestrians.
 
 INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny's car races through the tunnel. Lori's car
 pursues.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a
 crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and
 takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not
 break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat
 belt.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 JOHN
 Come on, we're losing him!
 
 Lori speeds up.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does
 not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles
 back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to
 pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to
 wriggle free.
 
 
 INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 The chase continues.
 115
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the
 window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar,
 and climbs up onto the edge of the window.
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 They see Ted in the window.
 
 JOHN
 Get closer!
 
 LORI
 I'm trying!
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the
 window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of
 the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see
 that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar.
 
 TED
 (holding head in pain)
 Aaaaa! Sh*t!!
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs
 back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one
 of his legs.
 
 ROBERT
 No! You're being bad!
 
 Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and
 brandishes it threateningly at Robert.
 
 TED
 Back off, Susan Boyle.
 
 Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear
 of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He
 tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori
 speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump.
 116
 
 
 INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 JOHN
 Easy...
 
 LORI
 I know.
 
 JOHN
 EASY--
 
 LORI
 I know!
 
 
 INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 Lori's car moves closer to Donny's. There's a tense
 moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted
 makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori's car, and
 slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid
 falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori
 breathe energetic sighs of relief.
 
 TED
 Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?
 
 John and Lori laugh.
 
 JOHN
 Yes! ******' A right!
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny sees what's happening in his side mirror. He puts
 his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it
 drastically reduces speed. John's car slams into Donny's
 causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of
 Donny's car, past Robert (who is still in the way back)
 and tumbling into the back seat.
 
 TED
 God **** it!
 
 Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny
 captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at
 Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack.
 
 ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from
 behind, and throws the sack over Donny's head, bracing
 himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells
 in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off.
 117
 
 
 INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny's car scrapes against the side of the tunnel,
 sending sparks flying.
 
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the
 floor on the passengers' side. Donny rips the sack off
 his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window.
 He's approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is
 opposing traffic moving in the other direction.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding
 clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori
 come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives
 through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks.
 
 LORI
 Sh*t!
 
 She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the
 truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they
 continue on into the city.
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny's car races through the streets, pursued by John
 and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways
 behind.
 
 INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted is still on the floor on the passenger's seat side.
 He looks around, and spots a "Club" underneath the seat.
 He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted
 grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing
 at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap
 Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few
 of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted
 away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger's seat. Then,
 with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in
 front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering
 wheel with a snap! Donny's eyes widen as Ted scrambles
 into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but
 can't.
 118
 
 
 EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
 
 Donny's car swerves out of control, veering up the
 street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it
 impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop.
 Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the
 back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of
 glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles
 for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit.
 TED'S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly.
 That little rip has done something... He shakes it off,
 and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles
 out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase
 Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door
 slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and
 disappears inside.
 ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind
 Donny's car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny
 and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the
 sidewalk after them.
 
 
 INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an
 escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a
 ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red
 metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs
 on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his
 larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him
 down a bit.
 
 ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through
 the garage door, and running inside. They look around
 for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them
 (Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK
 ON JOHN.
 
 ROBERT (O.S.)
 NO!!
 
 John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at
 them!
 
 ROBERT (CONT'D)
 You can't have my teddy bear!!
 
 When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one
 punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look
 down at him.
 
 LORI
 Oh my god.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 119
 CONTINUED:
 
 JOHN
 Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on
 that kid.
 (THEN)
 Come on!
 
 John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert
 behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around,
 but it's unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John
 continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori
 just behind him.
 
 
 INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.
 Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves
 past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs.
 
 
 EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera
 PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of
 FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one
 lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from
 the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints
 past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He
 has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted
 scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto
 the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED'S POV, it's
 a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can't
 quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat,
 then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted.
 Ted climbs farther up the tower.
 
 INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 John and Lori emerge and continue to look around
 frantically. They run up the walkway.
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donny pursues Ted up the tower.
 
 
 EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and
 run down the aisle, looking around with desperation.
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 120
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 (spotting the action on the
 TOWER)
 Look!
 
 John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant
 lighting tower.
 
 JOHN
 Oh Jesus...
 (THEN)
 Stay here.
 
 LORI
 Wait, John! What are you--
 
 JOHN
 STAY THERE!!
 
 He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the
 concession area.
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls
 back down. He's about to pulls himself up again, when
 Donny grabs one of his legs.
 
 
 EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move.
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny's grasp, but he
 can't. CLOSE UP ON TED'S SIDE - The small rip from
 earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED'S FACE -
 His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with
 fear. TED'S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows
 this is not good...
 
 
 EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and
 sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs.
 121
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 
 The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself
 free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we
 see his vision swimming even more.
 
 
 EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
 
 John runs up the stairwell.
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 
 The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up,
 but he's visibly weakened and his hands are slipping.
 
 EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
 
 John continues up the stairwell.
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 
 Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his
 depleted strength to pull himself farther up.
 
 
 EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS
 
 John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over
 toward the lighting tower, just in time to see...
 
 
 EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS
 Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the
 foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP,
 Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted
 falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white
 stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand
 over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with
 the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging,
 stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling
 himself back over the ledge.
 
 We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the
 stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the
 edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well.
 ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the
 upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren,
 and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car
 pull up far below, he makes a break for it.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 122
 CONTINUED:
 
 Down below, Ted's top half lies on the grass, looking
 around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom
 there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side,
 and kneel down.
 
 JOHN
 Ted!
 
 LORI
 Oh my God...
 
 
 TED
 (weak, slow breathing)
 Johnny...
 
 Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to
 frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing.
 
 JOHN
 Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!
 
 Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of
 the white cotton.
 
 TED
 Johnny...
 
 John leans back over Ted.
 
 JOHN
 You're gonna be okay, buddy. you
 understand? You're gonna be fine.
 
 TED
 (WEAK)
 Jesus, I look like the robot from
 "Aliens".
 
 JOHN
 No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you're
 gonna be okay.
 
 TED
 I... I don't think so. I'm... I'm in
 trouble. I need... I need to tell you
 something.
 
 JOHN
 What is it?
 
 TED
 Don't... don't ever lose her again.
 She's the most important... most
 important part of your life.
 (MORE)
 (CONTINUED)
 123
 CONTINUED:
 TED (CONT'D)
 Even more than me. She's your thunder
 buddy now. She's--
 
 Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE
 TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain...
 
 
 EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 The rain is pouring now. Lori's car pulls up. She and
 John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They
 race inside.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 
 John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They're
 both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches
 drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and
 thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to
 sew him up as John watches intently.
 
 LORI
 John... I don't know if this is gonna--
 
 JOHN
 Just try. Please. Just try.
 
 She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They
 wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower
 their heads.
 
 
 INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
 
 John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on
 the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes
 it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part
 of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his
 shoulder.
 
 LORI
 John... I'm sorry. You did everything
 you could. I'm... I'm just so sorry.
 
 She gently puts an arm around him. There is a
 thunderclap outside. John does not react.
 
 LORI (CONT'D)
 (almost too softly to be
 HEARD)
 You're not afraid...
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 124
 CONTINUED:
 
 ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is
 placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and
 exit...
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
 
 John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying
 awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks
 over to the window, and looks out.
 
 
 EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME
 
 ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one
 from that night when John was a child. As before, there
 is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star
 whizzes by through the opening.
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 Lori's eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at
 the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and
 makes a wish...
 
 
 EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE
 
 
 INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - MORNING
 
 John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He
 gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room.
 
 
 INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is
 where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still
 motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted's
 eyes snap open.
 
 JOHN
 Ted!
 
 TED
 (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
 I'm alive, Johnny!
 
 JOHN
 Oh my god!
 
 (CONTINUED)
 125
 CONTINUED:
 
 TED
 (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
 I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
 
 JOHN
 You're back!
 
 TED
 (RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)
 Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you
 put some of the stuffing in the wrong
 places, so I'm a little ****ed up. Will
 you take care of me forever and ever?
 
 John stares at him, confused.
 
 TED (CONT'D)
 (NORMAL VOICE)
 Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya, I thought it'd
 be funny if you thought I was ******'
 retarded.
 
 JOHN
 You **shole!
 
 John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees
 what's happening, and a huge smile crosses her face.
 
 LORI
 Welcome back, Ted.
 
 John turns to Lori, and realizes...
 
 JOHN
 It... it was you. You did it. (cover
 this line with addition:) It was your
 wish.
 
 TEDDY
 (smiling, speechless)
 Son of a **tch...You wished for my life
 back.
 
 She smiles at him.
 
 LORI
 No. I wished for my life back. Because
 I love you both.
 
 John goes to her, and kisses her passionately.
 
 TED
 You were pretty great out there at
 Fenway, Johnny.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 126
 CONTINUED:
 
 LORI
 Yeah, that's my big brave man.
 
 JOHN
 Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was
 punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I
 mean if that's what it's like to hit a
 woman, watch out, I liked it.
 
 LORI
 (SMILING)
 I love you.
 
 JOHN
 I love you, too.
 (THEN)
 And, I want you to know that... I'm
 probably never gonna be any more than a
 guy who rents cars, but... I don't care.
 You're the only thing that matters in my
 life.
 
 TED (O.S.)
 AY--
 
 JOHN
 You and Ted.
 
 TED (O.S.)
 Yes!
 
 JOHN
 And after last night, I... I don't ever
 want to lose anyone who matters to me
 ever again. I'm not gonna wait any
 longer for my life to start. Lori...
 will you marry me?
 
 LORI
 (beat, she smiles)
 That's all I ever wanted.
 
 John and Lori kiss as we pull away...
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily
 ever after, having discovered at last
 that all they really needed was each
 other. John and Lori were married in a
 beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a
 very special Justice of the Peace.
 127
 
 
 INT. CHURCH - DAY
 
 We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam
 J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux,
 stands in the best man's position. John stands on the
 steps smiling and looking out as we cut to...
 
 ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress,
 smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones
 addresses the two of them, standing at the altar.
 
 SAM JONES
 I now pronounce you man and wife. You
 may kiss the bride.
 
 John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the
 cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves
 back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing
 pews full of people from the movie: Lori's co-workers,
 John's co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix
 and Tanya, etc.).
 
 
 EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS
 
 John and Lori come running out of the church, as the
 crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo
 with a "Just Married" sign on the back. John gets in,
 and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina,
 Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns
 and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into
 frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as
 Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her
 off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away...
 
 Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as
 his best friend heads off.
 
 TED
 Y'know Sam, there's only one way to end a
 perfect day.
 
 SAM JONES
 What's that?
 
 
 TED
 On three.
 
 SAM JONES
 What on three?
 
 TED
 Flash jump.
 
 (CONTINUED)
 128
 CONTINUED:
 
 SAM JONES
 (REALIZING)
 Right.
 
 
 One... two... three.
 
 DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same
 time...
 
 TED/SAM JONES
 YEAH!!!
 
 They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme
 kicks in. Over the music:
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 And that's the story of how one magical
 wish forever changed the lives of three
 very special friends.
 
 INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double
 date.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid
 love affair for quite some time. One
 afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli
 counter eating potato salad off of Tami-
 Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly
 promoted to store manager.
 
 INSERT: footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow
 motion.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with
 the goal of restarting his film career.
 He currently resides in Burbank where he
 shares a studio apartment with his
 roommate Brandon Routh.
 
 INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Remember Brandon Routh from that god-
 awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ.
 Thanks for getting our hopes up and
 taking a giant sh*t on us.
 
 INSERT: footage or Rex at the office.
 
 
 
 
 (CONTINUED)
 129
 CONTINUED:
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not
 long after he fell into a deep depression
 and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
 
 INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Donny was arrested by Boston police and
 charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The
 charges were dropped when everyone
 realized how completely stupid that
 sounded.
 
 INSERT: footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom.
 
 NARRATOR (V.O.)
 Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial
 amount of weight, and went on to become
 Taylor Lautner.
 
 INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER.
 
 
 
 THE END
Category:Universal Pictures Transcripts