Futurama: The Movie (Live-Action)/Transcript

This is the transcript of Futurama: The Movie (Live-Action).
(Shows 20th Century Studios logo)
Text: Twentieth Century Studios Presents
Text: In Association with The ULULU Company
(a 8-bit spaceship flies across the screen)
Philip J. Fry: Space. It seems to go on and on forever... But then you get to the end and then a giant gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
(A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and Fry is playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. A boy stands next to him. The game is against the wall of a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza.)
Text: December 31, 1999
Philip J. Fry: And that's how you play the game!
Boy: You stink, loser!
(Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box.)
Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!!
Philip J. Fry: But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve.
Panucci: Like you got squat to celebrate! You're a delivery boy this millennium and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium!
(Fry sighs and picks up the pizza. He walks to the door. Seymour grabs his trouser leg and holds Fry back.)
Panucci: What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go. Or he thinks your pants is too short, or somethin'. Which is crazy 'cause, frankly, you look fabulous. Now get goin'!
(Scene: Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry unlocks his bike and Seymour put his paw on the wheel.)
Philip J. Fry: I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here till I come back.
(He rides off. Seymour sits, waiting.)
(Scene: New York City Street. Fry cycles past people outside O'Grady's Pub enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside.)
Philip J. Fry: Michelle, baby! Where you going?
Michelle: It's not working out, Fry. (Next to her is a guy with his arm around her. The cab pulls away.) (shouting; from cab) I put your stuff out on the sidewalk!
(Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed.)
Philip J. Fry: I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.
(Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals his bike.)
Bike Thief: Happy new year!
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked "Applied Cryogenics". A sign underneath indicates "No Power Failures Since 199[7]". There is no response at the door and Fry goes in.)
(Cut to: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around.)
Philip J. Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh ... (He reads the delivery note.) ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! 
(He sits down on the chair, puts his feet on the desk and opens a can of beer.) 
Philip J. Fry: Here's to another lousy millennium.
(He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.)
(Cut to: Times Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown. "10" appears on a huge screen.)
Crowd: (chanting) Ten!
(Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays "9".)
Crowd: (chanting) Neuf!
(Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on it.)
Crowd: (chanting) Otto!
(Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids.)
Crowd: (chanting) Saba!
(Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthenon.)
Crowd: (chanting) Eksi!
(Cut to: Great Wall Of China.)
Crowd: (chanting) Wu!
(Cut to: Taj Mahal.)
Crowd: (chanting) Char!
(Cut to: African Village.)
Crowd: (chanting) Thathu!
(Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays "2".)
Crowd: (chanting) Nee!
(Scene: From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium.)
Crowd: (chanting) One!
(Cut to: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Fry unenthusiastically blows a noise maker and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years.)
Philip J. Fry: What the--?
(He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.)
(Time Lapse. Days and nights and eventually years pass à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated, he stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe.)
Philip J. Fry: My God! It's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend; I'll never see any of them again. Yahoo!
(Opening Sequence: It starts with the Planet Express ship flying, as it passes the letters of Futurama appearing in the middle of the screen and a caption that says "The Movie" Text: Futurama: The Movie. The camera flies through the 'R' of the title back into the Applied Cryogenics.)
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Fry continues looking out of the window. The door opens and two shadows walk in.)
Terry: (melodramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
(The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one, Terry, is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other, Lou, is a black-haired Asian.)
Lou: Why do you always have to say it that way?
Terry: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? (He turns to Fry.) (dramatically) Come, your destiny awaits!
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office.)
Lou: Have a nice future.
(The door slides open.)
Philip J. Fry: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! (The door closes on his head.) Ow!
(Cut to: Applied Cryogenics: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail.)
Turanga Leela: Good afternoon, sir. (Fry is impressed with what he sees. Leela turns around. She has one huge eye in the middle of her face. Fry screams.) Name?
Philip J. Fry: Uh, Fry.
Turanga Leela: I'm Leela. Now, it's New Year's Eve so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here.
Philip J. Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Turanga Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Philip J. Fry: Uh...
Turanga Leela: Is it about my eye?
Philip J. Fry: Sort of.
Turanga Leela: (sighs) Just ask the question.
Philip J. Fry: What's with the eye?
Turanga Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop the subject.
Philip J. Fry: Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth?
Turanga Leela: No, I just work here.
(Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp displays "Happy New Year 3000". Leela follows his gaze.)
Philip J. Fry: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?
Turanga Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999.
Philip J. Fry: My God! A million years!
Turanga Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.
Philip J. Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
Turanga Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by probing equipment. Leela puts a single-lensed goggle on and presses a button. Fry squeaks.)
(Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry starts to get dressed.)
Turanga Leela: Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great...
(Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed.)
Turanga Leela: ...great-great-great-great-great nephew.
Philip J. Fry: That's great! What's the little guy's name?
(She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick glasses.)
Philip J. Fry: Eurgh!
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a computer.)
Philip J. Fry: Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. (A buzzer buzzes.) What's that?
Turanga Leela: Your permanent career assignment.
(She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is displayed on the screen.)
Philip J. Fry: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else!
(He grabs Leela's hand.)
Turanga Leela: Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else.
Philip J. Fry: What if I refuse?
Turanga Leela: Then you'll be fired--
Philip J. Fry: Fine!
Turanga Leela: Out of a cannon into the Sun!
Philip J. Fry: But I don't like being a delivery boy.
Turanga Leela: Well that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. (She points at a poster of a man wearing a hardhat with the caption "You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do".) You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy.
(She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end.)
Philip J. Fry: Keep that thing away from me!
(He gets up and runs out of the room.)
(Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office.)
(Cut to: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges the implant gun.)
Turanga Leela: Hold still, dammit. I don't have good depth perception! (She jumps at Fry, misses, and falls into a cryogenic freezer. It sets itself for 1000 years.) You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One--
(In a flash she is frozen.)
Philip J. Fry: See you in a thousand years! (He starts to walk out but hesitates. He walks back and changes the freeze time to five minutes.) You owe me one.
(Scene: New New York City Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him.)
Philip J. Fry: Whoa!
(Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically-placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in.)
Man #1: Radio City Music Hall.
(The man is sucked up into the tube.)
Philip J. Fry: Cool! (He steps into the tube.) Um. Cross Town Express?
(The tube sucks him up and he screams as he flies through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally out the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from his newspaper.)
Man #2: Pft! Tourist!
(Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth.)
Philip J. Fry: Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. (An impatient robot joins the queue behind him. It is more or less human-shaped, grey, with an antenna on top of its head.) Wow! A real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
(Fry looks around at the robot's ass.)
Philip J. Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag!
(Fry steps into the booth, overlooking the sign on the side that says "Suicide Booth".)
(Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a button and nothing happens. The robot steps in behind him.)
Bender: Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer!
(He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks.)
Booth Voice: Please select mode of death: "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible".
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call.
Booth Voice: You have selected: "Slow and Horrible".
Bender: Great choice! (Knives, tasers, & Jacob's ladders come out from behind a hatch.) Bring it on, baby!
(Fry screams)
(The robot is getting impatient.)
Bender: C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender!
(He holds out his hand.)
Philip J. Fry: Help! What's happening?
(The sharp objects move forward. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch.)
Booth Voice: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008.
(Cut to: New New York City Street. Fry runs out, gasping.)
Bender: Lousy, stinking rip-off! (He kicks the booth.) Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk!
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door opens and she defrosts.)
Turanga Leela: Two, three-- Hey!
Terry: (melodramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
Turanga Leela: Shut up, Terry.
(Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it.)
Ipgee: This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip.
Turanga Leela: Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him.
Ipgee: Well that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! (Leela leaves. He puts his feet up on the desk.) Life is good!
(Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender sit at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor.)
Philip J. Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want! (He belches fire.) So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.
Philip J. Fry: Really? What do you do, Bender?
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Philip J. Fry: You any good at it?
Bender: You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it! [unsure] 31. [normal] But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Philip J. Fry: What?
Bender: Suicide booths! (He finishes his drink and swallows the bottle.) Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm gonna go kill myself.
(He gets up.)
Philip J. Fry: Wait! You're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger.
(Fry looks out the window and sees Leela.)
Philip J. Fry: Oh, no, it's the Cyclops! (He crouches down behind Bender.) Don't look! Don't look!
Bender: I'm not looking. (His eyes zoom in to Leela.)
(Cut to: Outside O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator.)
Turanga Leela: This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up.
(The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right behind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator.)
Smitty: We'll be there in five minutes.
(Scene: Outside the Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building.)
Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays!
(He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him.)
(Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. William Shatner's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms.)
William Shatner's Head: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm William Shatner.
Philip J. Fry: Captain Kirk? Hey! Hey... Do the thing! (He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek.)
William Shatner's Head: (chuckles) I don't do that anymore.
Philip J. Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day?
William Shatner's Head: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
(Enter a woman.)
Woman: Feeding time!
(She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. William Shatner eats what comes out. Then the door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL.)
Turanga Leela: Hmm. (She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf in amongst other assorted heads.) I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip.
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it?
Turanga Leela: It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do! (Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it.) Watch it!
(Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes.)
Richard Nixon's Head: That's it! You just made my list!
(He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm.)
Philip J. Fry: Ow! Stop it! Down, boy! Bad president!
(Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off.)
Smitty: Alright, buddy, step away from the head!
(Fry and Bender put their hands up.)
URL: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!
(They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry.)
Turanga Leela: Please, officers, there's no need to use force.
URL: Let us handle this, weird-y. (He hits Bender.)
Turgana Leela: Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages.
Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball!
Turanga Leela: No-one makes fun of my nose.
(She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room.)
URL: Damn!
Turanga Leela: You guys were totally out of control.
Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers.
URL: Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do.
(Leela considers)
(Scene: Head Museum: Hall of Criminals. Bender locks the door.)
Bender: Oh, we're trapped!
(Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it.)
Philip J. Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender?
Philip J. Fry: Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program ... yep.
Turanga Leela: (from outside) Open up!
Philip J. Fry: C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals ... and animal robots.
Bender: You're full of crap, Fry! (He turns and a dangling wire catches on his antenna and electrocutes him.) You make a persuasive argument, Fry.
(He starts to bend the bars.)
Philip J. Fry: Come on, Bender! You can do it.
Bender: Can't ... I ... can't ... do ... it!
(The bars bend and break off completely.)
Philip J. Fry: Yes!
Bender: You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable!
(His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help.)
Philip J. Fry: I don't know how you did that.
(Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window.)
(Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars.)
Turanga Leela: Wait!
Bender: (shouting) No, thanks.
(Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top.)
Bender: Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate.
(He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender groans and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry.)
(Scene: Ruins of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few shafts of light.)
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Category:Futurama