JB: A Year in Review

Transcript:
So...by now, you've heard...Justin Bieber was arrested for drag racing, driving under the influence, and having an expired license on January 23rd in Miami. Apparently, he rented a Lamborghini and a Ferrari, and he and a buddy engaged in the lamest fucking drag race ever...going 60 miles an hour in a 30. 60 miles an hour in a Lambo! You can easily do 60 in a fucking smart car! If anything, he should be arrested for acting like a pussy in a badass vehicle. Plus, all his money and he can't also go rent a track? Well, I guess when you're drunk, you're not thinking about all the little details. So he was arrested, bail set at a laughable $2500 which is probably why he was smiling like a smug asshole in his mug shots, and of course fans and other morons are quick to defend Bieber because he's "just young, he's human, people make mistakes, ya know?" Bieber fans must have the fucking worst memory on the planet. Well, allow me to remind you of the last year or so of Justin Bieber's life.
January 4, 2013: TMZ posts a picture of Biebs smoking a joint. Whether you believe that drug use should be legal or not is irrelevant because it is illegal in most places still and definitely was at the time. A bunch of mouth breathers are quick to claim he's not smoking a joint, but Bieber pretty much pleads guilty in a tweet that says, "everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up". So...keep this in mind, early January 2013, he's trying to be better. Apparently, he's not trying too hard.
March 26, 2013: Bieber gets into a shouting match with a neighbor about the noise coming out from Bieb's house. And apparently, they come into contact with a neighbor claiming JB assaulted him. Now, one could make the argument that this is just bullshit, someone trying to get rich with a fake lawsuit. But all the money in the world wouldn't be enough for me to admit that Justin Bieber got the better of me in a fight. I'd remove my own fucking balls before I ever admitted that.
April 15, 2013: Justin Bieber visits The Anne Frank House Museum in Amsterdam. If you don't know who Anne Frank is, fucking Google it. Bieber, the egotistical fuck that he is, has to make it about himself and writes in the guestbook that he hoped that she would've been a Belieber. Not "it sucks that you were discovered by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp"...no! He hopes that she would've been one of his shitty, obsessive fans. This is the kid that called the Sistine Chapel the "Sixteenth Chapel" so we aren't exactly talking about ?? next candidate here, but fucking come on!
April 25, 2013: Ten days later, Justin Bieber's in Sweden and his tour bus is raided. Drugs are found. Bieber was on the bus earlier, but when they did the search, he wasn't. So they can't charge anyone since technically, no one was in possession. Not sure how that works, but okay.
May 28, 2013: About eight months ago, so keep that in mind right now...Keyshawn Johnson, former NFL wide receiver among others, complain about Justin Bieber's reckless driving in their hometown of Calabasas, CA where Bieber resides. That's right, America. He may still have Canadian citizenship and a work visa, but he lives there. He's yours now. Unless of course that deportation petition works, but until then, enjoy. But back to the reckless driving thing. No one needed a fucking crystal ball to predict that at some point, the shit in Miami was gonna happen.
June 25, 2013: Bieber apparently beats up a member of the paparazzi. I don't know who to root for here. This is one of those situations where if Justin Bieber and the member of the paparazzi were trapped in a burning building and you only had time to save one, you crack a beer and watch the building burn.
July 9, 2013: The infamous mop bucket incident. So, Bieber's at a restaurant, he sees a mop bucket. What would you do? Well of course you'd piss in it, right? No? Well I guess that's why you're not a megastar. At the same time, Bieber sees a picture of former President Bill Clinton and says, "Fuck Bill Clinton!". Bieber would've still lived in Canada and been about 6-7 years old when Bill Clinton was finishing up his second term as U.S. President. JB wasn't even fucking born when Clinton took office, but he's apparently got some pretty strong feelings about the man. I wonder if 6-year old Biebs wasn't a fan of his foreign policy or the fact that he didn't like the same colored crayons.
November 1, 2013: While touring Brazil, Justin Bieber is photographed allegedly leaving a brothel. If anything, at least this means no one should be making gay jokes about JB anymore. I guess he just wants to be their boyfriend? Here's what I don't get about this one. Have you seen how many droolies this kid has? Adult ones too! Justin Bieber has thousands upon thousands of legal girls who would let him fuck them in the ear and call them "grandma" if that's the type of thing he's into...and he's paying for sex? I don't know about this one. If he did it though, technically it's legal in Brazil though. So I guess he gets a pass here.
November 6, 2013: Only a few days later while still touring Brazil, he's had a share of hookers, and now it's time to vandalize some shit. Local photographers snapped some pics of Biebs doing some painting at an old hotel, but he skipped the country before the police could question him because vandalizing property in Brazil can be punishable by up to a year in jail. Serious jail time for painting on walls, fuck all the hookers you want. Neat country.
November 26, 2013: Busy month for Bieber as he gets in the artsy mood again...now in Australia, this time Instagramming pictures of his graffiti and leaving some spray cans, I guess as souvenirs? Justin Bieber tagging 'round the world! You know when you leave a 4-year old alone with finger paints or markers but no paper so they paint or draw on the walls? Yeah.
December 30, 2013: Gotta get one more in before the year ends, a Toronto limo driver accuses Justin of assault. Again, who would ever admit they got beat up by Justin Bieber if it didn't happen? Fuck, I wouldn't admit it if it did happen I'd pick something less embarrassing like, "I got beat up by a Girl Scout when I tried to steal her cookies." Way more honor in that! Bieber turns himself in on January 29th of this year...I guess hoping to avoid another embarrassing arrest like the January 23rd one. Or maybe he's just on a scavenger hunt and he needs to find drop bars soap in jails in two different countries and he's on a tight schedule.
January 14, 2014: A new year, a new chance to piss off the neighbors! Justin gets the cops called on him because his neighbor claims his house was egged by our pop star pal. It gets better. So the cops enter Bieber's house to look for evidence like, I guess maybe the bacon that was meant to go with the eggs? Anyway, instead they find a bunch of cocaine, and one of Bieber's buddies is charged with felony possession. Of course, Bieber wouldn't have possibly been doing that. Ah no, people would go to other people's homes with coke all the time and just do it themselves. Of course, no proof? So no jail time for JB.
Which finally brings us to the January 23rd drag racing incident. Including that, that's a baker's dozen of fuck-ups in just barely over a year. And that's just the shit we know about. I mean, sure the kid can't take a dump without the news reporting the color and density of it, but A. he's definitely getting away with some shit. I mean, the odds are pretty fucking good that you don't just have a buddy with coke over once and he gets arrested or that he's only ever spray painted two things ever. And B. this shows a pattern...drug use, vandalism, street racing, fighting with the neighbors and other people, this is a kid who has so much money and so little discipline and no one with the balls to say "no" to him so he just figures, "I'm Justin Bieber. I can do whatever the fuck I want and no one can stop me!" And he's right. You'll see. What's gonna happen with his drag racing and DUI charge? Nothing! His arraignment is set for February 14th. He'll get a slap on the wrist like every other celebrity and go back to being a cock. And you can't even blame fame coming too quickly or when he was too young. How come Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift aren't in the news every week for shit like this? Why isn't TMZ reporting that Daniel Radcliffe is doing heroin in a bathhouse or something? Because it's very possible to be a rich child star and also be well-adjusted. Do you know why the media follows him around all the time? Because they know he's gonna do some dumb shit. There's no one really to blame but Bieber himself, and maybe his parents for not teaching him at a young age not to act like a fucking asshole. I live about 30 minutes away from the kid's hometown. I've heard stories that even before he was famous, he was a little shit disturber. I don't wanna hear, "Oh, he's acting out because he never got to have a proper childhood" or "He's just a boy trying to figure himself out." He's an entitled piece of shit who won't learn a goddamn thing until he wraps one of his luxury cars around a fucking tree. And maybe, just MAYBE, while he's burning alive...MAYBE his last thought will be, "I wish I wasn't such a fucking asshole." Then again, probably not! Don't actually die though, Justin. As annoying as your mentally ill fans are while you're alive, there's no fucking way I'll be able to handle them if you die at the height of your career.