Episode 121: Twiggy/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 121: Twiggy.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Twiggy!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey, I went to a resort hotel for a change and a rest. The waiter got the change and the hotel got the rest. Aaaah!
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Twiggy!
 	The Muppets surround Twiggy as she grins.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo hits Beautiful Day Monster instead of the "O."
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Good evening, gang, and welcome to the show. And what a show it is, 'cause tonight our special guest is a beautiful young lady, whose face is known the world over. She only has one name, but many talents - the one and only Twiggy. We'll be meeting her in a few minutes, but right now let's get things swinging on The Muppet Show!
 	
 	A Feather Duster sings "Dance" with a group of Feather Boas to back it up.
Statler	Was that a great number?
Waldorf	I don't know. I slept through it.
Statler	Me too. That's why I asked. (dozes off)
==Backstage==
 	The feather duster and boas walk past Kermit.
Kermit 	OK. Very nice. Very nice. You guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.
Feather duster	Thank you, I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did.
 	Scooter looks fearful.
Scooter 	Kermit, Kermit. Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit 	You're kooky. You're crazy.
Scooter 	No, I'm serious. I was just up in the stars' dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet.
Hilda 	That was me, clown. I was hanging up the wardrobe.
Scooter 	No, no, no. After you left... Listen, Kermit, I'm serious. There's something here that should be looked into.
Hilda 	Yes, your head. Phantom of The Muppet Show! (laughs)
Kermit 	Uh, look, Scooter, uh, we're kinda busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
 	Wanda runs out of her dressing room, screaming.
Wanda 	Help! There's a phantom in the dressing room! (faints)
 	
Kermit 	Anybody got a banana?
=="In My Life"==
 	Main stage. Gonzo makes an introduction.
Gonzo 	Right now I'd like to introduce the lovely Leafy — Barky! … No, Branchy... Uh …
 	
Fozzie 	Twiggy.
Gonzo 	Do I get credit for being close?
 	Fozzie drags Gonzo away by the nose. The curtain opens on Twiggy in a press conference, surrounded by reporters, including Nigel, Floyd, Kermit and Janice.
 	
Twiggy 	Hello, everyone, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.
Reporters 	You're welcome.
Twiggy 	I really love press conferences, but …
Reporters 	(giggling)
Twiggy 	I will try and answer any questions that you might have.
Whatnot reporter	I have a question, I have a question.
Twiggy 	Yes?
Whatnot reporter	Uh, Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautiful girl like you only has one nose?
Twiggy 	Eh? Um … Well, I mean, that's usual, isn't it?
 	He reveals that he has two noses.
Whatnot reporter	Uh, yeah. So I noticed.
Kermit 	Twiggy. Wait a minute. I have a serious question. Uh, who are the most important people in your life?
Nigel 	Yeah, and what about the places?
Reporters 	Oh, yeah. That would be interesting. Tell us …
 	
 	Music swells up. Twiggy sings "In My Life" as pictures from her past are superimposed.
 	
Waldorf 	Aw, Twiggy makes my heart sing.
Statler 	Oh, well, let me hear.
 	He puts his ear to Waldorf's chest.
Statler 	Nice song, but your pacemaker needs tuning.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie walks backwards, backing into Kermit.
Fozzie 	(shrieks) Don't do that! Don't you know that this is serious? Everybody here is scared of the Phantom of The Muppet Show. Kermit, you've got to do something,
Gonzo 	Yeah, Fozzie's right. I just saw the most terrifying face peering out from behind the sewing machine.
Hilda 	Oh, that was me again, you nitwit.
Gonzo 	No, it was after you left.
Hilda 	Oh, scaredy-cats.
 	They all quarrel. Exit Hilda.
Kermit 	Listen to me, this is ridiculous. You've gotta keep your head on your shoulders.
 	A headless figure passes by and…
 	
Kermit 	That's better.
Fozzie 	Oh, sure, sure. You can joke all you want, but there is something funny going on around here.
Kermit 	Fine. But there better be something funny going on out there. Come on, move it, move it.
Fozzie 	(pushes Gonzo away) All right. Go, go, go!
 	
Kermit 	Phantom of The Muppet Show. Yeesh.
 	As he exits, a blue figure emerges on the balcony, cackling.
Uncle Deadly	Ah, what fools these Muppets be.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands at the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. Right now, the ever-popular Wayne and Wanda, and their version of that great oldie, "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow." (walks off) Oh, let it work, let it work, let it work.
 	
Wanda 	
Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
But the fire is so delightful.
Wayne 	But if you've no place to go,
Wayne & Wanda	Let it snow, let it snow, let it —
 	
 	PLOP! It snows on them.
Wayne 	Funny, funny! Ha!
=="The King's Breakfast"==
 	Open on Gonzo and Muppy in a bed. Gonzo turns his head towards the candle, and his nose gets singed.
Gonzo 	Ow! Oh, my nose.
 	Muppy licks his nose.
Gonzo 	Thank you.
 	
Twiggy 	Hello, you two.
Gonzo 	Oh, hi, Twiggy. Hey, Muppy and I here were hoping you'd tell us a little bedtime story.
Twiggy 	Oh, I'd love to, but what would you like to hear?
Gonzo 	Well, Muppy here really likes the poems of A.A. Milne. You wouldn't know one, would you?
Twiggy 	Know one? I've rehearsed one. (takes out a book) It's called "The King's Breakfast."
 	Fade to a medieval setting as harpsichord music plays. Twiggy plays the dairymaid and the narrator.
 	
Twiggy 	The king asked the queen, and the queen asked the dairymaid…
Queen 	Could we have some butter for the royal slice of bread?
Twiggy 	
The queen asked the dairymaid. The dairymaid said, "Certainly,"
"I'll go and see the cow now before she goes to bed."
The dairymaid she curtsied, and went to see the Alderney.
 	She walks over to the cow.
Twiggy 	
"Don't forget the butter for the royal slice of bread."
The Alderney said sleepily…
Cow 	
You'd better tell His Majesty
that many people nowadays like marmalade instead.
Twiggy 	The dairymaid said, "Fancy!" and went to Her Majesty.
 	200px
Twiggy 	
She curtsied to the queen and she turned a little red,
"Excuse me, Your Majesty, for taking of the liberty,
but marmalade is tasty if it's very thickly spread."
The queen said…
Queen 	Oh…
Twiggy 	…and went to His Majesty.
Queen 	
Talking of the butter for the royal slice of bread …
Many people think that marmalade is nicer.
Would you like to try a little marmalade instead?
Twiggy 	The king said…
King Rupert	Bother.
Twiggy 	And then he said…
King Rupert	Oh, deary me.
Twiggy 	The king sobbed…
King Rupert	Oh, deary me!
Twiggy 	… and went back to bed.
King Rupert	Nobody…
Twiggy 	… he whimpered …
King Rupert	
…could call me a fussy man.
I only want a little bit of butter for my bread.
Twiggy 	The queen said…
Queen 	There, there.
Twiggy 	
…and then she went to the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said, "There, there," and went to the shed.
The cow said …
Cow 	
Oh, there, there. I didn't really mean it.
Here's milk for his porridger and butter for his bread.
Twiggy 	
The queen took the butter and brought it to His Majesty.
The king said…
King Rupert	Butter, eh?
Twiggy 	…and bounced out of bed.
King Rupert	Nobody…
Twiggy 	… he said, as he kissed her tenderly…
King Rupert	Nobody…
Twiggy 	… he said, as he slid down the banisters…
King Rupert	
Nobody, my darling, could call me a fussy man.
But I do like a little bit of butter to my bread.
 	They all bow. Fade back to the bedroom. Gonzo and Muppy are now joined by Catgut, T.R., Rowlf, Baskerville and some chickens who all applaud Twiggy.
Random 	(That was wonderful.)
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Female pig 	Oh, honey, at our wedding, who's going to be the best man?
Male pig 	My brother.
Female pig 	Oh. Maybe I should marry him.
 	Statler and Waldorf dance together.
Statler 	Hey, hey, you said I could lead this time.
Waldorf 	OK, OK, but I thought you promised to wear the pink taffeta.
Statler 	Oh, so I lied.
 	
Woman 	What's the difference between immoral and illegal?
Sam the Eagle	Well, immoral is, uh, doing bad things. Illegal is me with a tummy ache. (she scowls) I didn't write it.
 	Kermit dances with Mary Louise.
Kermit 	Hey, uh, thank you for letting me have this dance with you. Uh, what did you say your name was?
Mary Louise 	Mary Louise. One, two, three, dip. (dips him violently)
 	It's that loud lady again …
Loud lady 	Yeah, so, I've recorded three record albums and they're really great, but they haven't sold.
Partner 	Uh, what do you sing? Rock?
Loud lady 	No, lullabies!
 	Back to Kermit.
Mary Louise 	One, two, three, dip. One, two, three, twirl.
 	Kermit ends up hanging from the chandelier.
Kermit 	Cute. Cute dance step.
 	He falls down. Blackout.
==UK spot==
 	
 	Rowlf plays "Minuet in G Major," making a few minor mistakes along the way.
Rowlf	(midway through) Sorry about that.
==Vendaface==
 	Fozzie passes by Vendaface.
Vendaface	Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully automatic psychiatric machine. Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will tell you what your problem is.
 	
Fozzie 	Oh, yes, yes, yes.
 	He inserts a coin.
Vendaface	Please insert another coin.
 	He inserts another coin.
Vendaface	Please insert another coin.
 	He inserts another coin.
Fozzie 	OK, OK. Now, what is my problem?
Vendaface	You are much too generous.
Fozzie 	(starts kicking the machine) Gah! What do you mean, much too generous?
Vendaface	You also have a rotten temper.
 	Two mechanical hands emerge and grab Fozzie by the neck. Meanwhile, Statler hangs from the balcony.
Waldorf 	I think that was great. Right, Statler? … Statler! You fell.
Statler 	No, my upper plate fell. I jumped after it.
 	Waldorf chuckles.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks over some sheet music. Scooter taps him on the shoulder, startling him.
Scooter 	So, you still don't believe us about the phantom, huh, Kermit?
Kermit 	Listen, Scooter, there are no such things as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms, or …
 	Hilda runs out of the dressing room, screaming.
Hilda 	Oh, help! Help, somebody! Heeeeelp!
Kermit 	Hilda, what is it now?
Hilda 	Kermit, I just saw the most hideous, inhuman face. For a moment, I thought it was Gonzo.
Gonzo 	But that was me.
Hilda 	Well, what are you doing scaring an old lady half to death?
Gonzo 	Well, I was hiding from the phantom.
Scooter 	See? See, Kermit?
Kermit 	All I see are a bunch of Muppets spreading mass hysteria. Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final. Period. End of report.
Fozzie 	Uh, K-Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	(whimpering) What has a skull-like head, fiery green eyes and a torn cape?
Kermit 	I don't know.
 	
Fozzie 	I don't know either, but it's right behind you!!
 	Everyone flees screaming.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, you will notice that I didn't fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke - I mean, if there is someone or something behind me - there is no doubt a logical explanation for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.
 	He turns around and faces Uncle Deadly.
Kermit 	Uh, pardon me, sir, but is there a logical explanation for your presence here?
Uncle Deadly	(cackles)
Kermit 	Apparently, there is no logical explanation.
 	He runs away screaming. Uncle Deadly cackles.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
 	She appears on the monitor.
Newsman	Tell me, Mrs, Thomas, why did you do such a thing?
Twiggy 	Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor with your chips and peas, is there?
Newsman	What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?
 	
Twiggy 	Oh. Medium rare or thereabouts.
Newsman	Is this lady making a fool of me?
 	She takes a bite out of her microphone, and gives a thumbs-up.
Statler	She didn't make a fool of him.
Waldorf	No. He managed it all by himself.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks around for some papers.
Kermit 	(mumbling) … it was around here a minute ago …
 	The door creaks open. Kermit looks around.
Kermit 	Nothing.
 	Uncle Deadly enters, covering his face. He shocks Kermit with a yell.
Kermit 	Who are you?
Uncle Deadly 	I am Uncle Deadly. Better known as the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit 	Yes, sir. W-w-w-well, Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh, Phantom, uh, whatever do you want? I mean, I'm just a, just a frog. Just a little, harmless, little, helpless, little, harmless, green frog. I never hurt a fly. Well, maybe I ate a few as a kid, but--
Uncle Deadly 	Enough of your horrible little jokes!
Kermit 	Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly 	You Muppets have taken over my theatre.
Kermit 	Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly 	My home. Years ago, I was a great actor. A star. In this very theatre, my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever.
Kermit 	Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly 	And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But opening night, I was killed.
Kermit 	Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?
Uncle Deadly 	The critics.
 	Kermit chuckles. Deadly grabs him by the neck.
 	
Uncle Deadly 	Enough!
Kermit 	Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly 	I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else.
Kermit 	No, sir.
Uncle Deadly 	I will drive you all from this theatre. Leave or be dooooooooomed!
Kermit 	He shakes Kermit, then lets him go.
Uncle Deadly 	Which way do I exit?
 	Kermit points him to the exit. Deadly glides out.
Kermit 	"Leave or be doomed." I don't think I like those options.
 	As he walks, he encounters the other Muppets from today's plot.
Hilda 	Kermit. Oh, oh, Kermit, we have been looking for you. It was all a joke.
Scooter 	Yeah, that's right, chief. George was just trying to scare us.
Gonzo 	Yeah, he said he found an old mask and cape in the cellar. Can you imagine that?
George the Janitor	Hahaha. Yeah, I was just fooling around. There ain't no phantom. I was just trying to scare everybody. Hahahaha.
Kermit 	Well, you certainly did, and if you ever do it again you're out of a job. You scared me out of about ten years' growth, and I can't afford to get any smaller.
 	Deadly rises upstairs. They all look up.
Uncle Deadly 	Leave or be doomed!!
Kermit 	Uh uh, George, if you're down here, uh, who's that up there?
 	
George the Janitor	That must be …
All 	… the Phantom of The Muppet Show!
 	They all scatter as Deadly cackles.
Uncle Deadly 	That may have been one of the greatest performances of my career.
=="Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own"==
Kermit	Our guest star tonight was born in London, but all you folks in Enid, Oklahoma, better stand by to hear a soul sister. Ladies and gentlemen, the down-home sound of the incomparable Twiggy!
 	
 	Twiggy, the Hillbilly Singer and the Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sing "Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own."
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	OK, that about does it for another week, but I do want to give an extra special warm thank-you to our lovely and charming guest star.
Uncle Deadly	Ah, thank you so much.
Kermit 	No, no, no, I mean Twiggy, Twiggy! Yaaay!
Twiggy 	I really had a lovely time, Kermit. (points to Deadly) I even liked him.
 	
Kermit 	Hey, you like him, you can have him.
Twiggy 	Oh. Well, not that much.
Kermit 	I didn't think so. Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets all gather around as the credits roll.
Statler 	You know, every week this show looks better to me.
Waldorf 	Every week your eyesight gets worse.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts