Stampede Breakfast 3: Brunch Time!/Cranky's Cabin

Cranky's Cabin is a feature in Stampede Breakfast 3: Brunch Time! based on Snake's Codec Conversations in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Palutena's Guidance in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. Based on the area of the same name in Donkey Kong Country where he would give the player advice while ranting about how fancy and easy the game is, Cranky Kong will appear in his cabin and discuss the character in question.
Whereas the Coded Conversations and Palutena's Guidance would happen during battles, Cranky's Cabin can be found in the Vault. Every character has a Cranky's Cabin rant dedicated to them, including Echo Fighters. These rants are usually satirical descriptions of the character, though he can give good advice sometimes.
Absinthe 	
If you're anything like me, there's nothing you hate more than rowdy kids, skateboarding, and town vandalism. And Absinthe is all of that wrapped into one. If there's one thing I can give her credit for it's that she's almost never caught by the cops. Though I wouldn't attribute that to her escape arts as much as I would to the incompetence of the modern-day police system. There's apes stealing girlfriends everywhere! C'mon guys, you need to do better.
In terms of abilities, Absinthe's fairly agile. She has a gun called the Venomizer, which she will shoot at you to deal some heavy damage. She runs out of ammo after three shots though, so try to camp her out until she's out of bullets. Of course, she can still attack. She can spray the ground with paint to create portals, and can enter one to pop out the other instantly. Man, people these days are lazy. Back in my day, we got around by walking, and we ENJOYED it!
Another thing you'll need to watch out for are her sidekicks. She can summon other members of the Babylon Rouges to attack you. Perfect... more loud, destructive kids... just what I need. You can defeat them pretty easily, but you'd better hurry, since their weapons can do quite a number on you. Overall, Absinthe is a capable fighter, but I think she just gets lucky all the time. I hear nowadays she runs an alcohol company. Remind me to pay a visit to her whenever I'm not taking a nap of watching "The Three Stooges" reruns.
Blossom 	
Blossom here is a member of the elementary-age superhero group called the Powerpuff Girls. They were created when some bumbling professor accidentally knocked Chemical X into a solution of "Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice". Jeez, are these guys TRYING to not make me like their show!? I can only handle so many stupid morals and lessons in my TV time at once!
Anyways, Blossom's got a lot of speed and strength. She can use it to rush you down and deal heavy damage, so once she has you in your sights, there's nowhere to run. She's also equipped with a large yo-yo that she can use to damage her opponents by swinging it around. Yeah, I remember having one of those as a little chimp. Broke it just three hours before I got it. I... had a rough childhood.
If there's one thing about Blossom you need to look out for, it's her ice breath. It's not that strong, but it can freeze you solid, leaving you vulnerable to attacks. As if she couldn't get anymore annoying. Nah, I'm just kidding. She's actually a really sweet gal, but my old man body is causing me to hate more and more by the second. Just avoid that ice breath and you should be golden.
Brick 	
More Echo Fighters, huh? Talk about lazy game design. That's almost like taking a boss, recoloring it, and passing it off as something new. Anyways, this little kid is Brick, a member of the Rowdyruff Boys. They're supposed to be rivals of the Powerpuff Girls, matching them in every way possible. As if that's supposed to justify him being shoehorned as an Echo, ha!
As an Echo, Brick fights almost identically to Blossom. He has similar abilities, though sacrifices a lot of Blossom's speed for extra power in his attacks. A lot of the ice-based attacks have also been replaced with fire-based ones. They can't freeze you but they do deal more damage, so watch out for that.
Overall, he's a pretty capable fighter who can hold his own in a fight. His better KO power can knock you out faster than Blossom, though you may be able to outrun him thanks to his slower speed... eh, I think I'll just stick with Blossom. She's the OG PPG. That and red just... isn't my color. Not after that... plumber. Brrr... still gives me the goosebumps.
Franklin 	
So we're talking about Franklin, huh? Well if you were expecting a tale greater than the plot of the first Super Mario Bros., you'll be pretty disappointed. Now, this may just be my old person mindset, but Franklin is literally no different from any other kid other than the fact he's a turtle. His show doesn't even play with the fact he is a turtle, his family births kids rather than laying eggs and he's not being mauled to death by his bear friends. Now, this may be because the writers thought it'd be a good idea to simplify things for the kiddies... even though they look like total idiots in doing so.
But enough of me rambling, let's talk about his abilities... oh that's right, he has none. Literally anything he can do, any other school-age kid can do as well. He does have a unique defense where his shell can absorb damage and knockback, so that's something, but other than that? Go to any kindergarten class and ask the students if they can sneeze, make paper airplanes, play with toy cars, and tie their shoes. I dare you.
But it's not like Franklin is a bad fighter. He's actually pretty capable on his own. His normal moveset focuses on a toy, wooden sword that grants him some ranged attacks. You better watch out when he switches it out though. He can use a cardboard sword and a knife as well, which have their own attributes that change his moveset. When fighting him, you need to adapt to whatever playstyle he's using, just like a turtle adapting to a new habitat. Yeah, any turtle... except Franklin.
Lurantis 	
Alright so there's this new series that's hitting it big... I think it's called... "Porkyman" or something? I can't remember the name. That's gonna be the running joke for the entire rant. A lot of the kids seem like they're having fun with it. Can't say I blame them. I mean, I don't really think anything compares to having to jump over barrels or hitting fireballs with a hammer, but opinions will be opinions.
Either way, this Porkyman is called Lurantis. People say that this is the most beautiful Grass-type Porkyman but I can't see it. Literally. I'm so old that I'm nearsighted and can't see anything two inches away. Why do you think I retired from throwing barrels and left the video game market to crash? Anyway, Lurantis is armed with razor-sharp hands that it can use to cut up its foes. Watch out of its X-Scissor technique, that's gonna leave you in stitches if you get hit.
Lurantis may look like it has wings, but it actually can't use them. So... why have them on you anyway? Seems pretty counterproductive to me. Despite this, it can jump real high and can recover easily if knocked away. One thing you do wanna watch out for is its Synthesis ability. Not only will it heal its own health, but it will also channel its energy to fire a massive white beam that penetrates through all opponents. So like a teenager when his parents are out for the night. Get it? No? Me neither. I literally forgot the joke I was making. That's what being an arcade relic does to you.
Meta Ridley 	
So I don't know if you noticed, but Ridley getting in Smash Bros. is a pretty big deal. He's one of the main antagonist of those... Meh-trod games... and has been requested by fans for years. I don't know why fans continue to rave for him when Samus already killed him in the first game. I mean, even the developers are resurrecting him to satisfy the needy fanbase. Can we just let the dragon rest in peace already?
Well, anyway, Meta Ridley is Ridley rebuilt and reborn as a cyborg. In addition to his normal abilities, he has several weapons at his disposal, ranging from missile launchers to bomb droppers. He's got a really big frame. I mean really big. You're gonna have a hard time not landing hits on this guy. Sure, his large size does give him great range, but the guy leaves himself wide open! For Banana Bird's sake, the Space Pirates could have cut down on his size.
Size aside, Meta Ridley is still a pretty capable fighter. Underestimating his power would be foolish by a sizable margin, but at large, fights with him boil down to dodging his big projectiles and striking him. Those humongous wings allow him to get great air time too, so you may need to chase this goliath through the air sometimes. Heh, coward. Back when I had huge pecs, I didn't need to fly. I could just throw barrels at my enemies. I'd like to see the giant try that!
Silver Spoon 	
Kids these days have it too easy. Every other week, I see some idiot create a new toy or invention that's supposed to "revolutionize the planet" only for it to go out of style in like two days. Younguns like you might not understand, but do you know how many people I'd kill to get that many options back in the day!? And you all end up wasting them as if they were nothing! Ungreatful maggots!
Well, at the very least, Silver Spoon here seems to be enjoying her little toy. Since she's an Echo of Diamond Tiara, her Jr. Clown Car pretty much has the same abilities and weapons. She can reach farther with them though, so watch out. You'll especially need to watch out when she uses her Abandon Ship! move, where she can swing a toy hammer around while falling. Yeah, I remember when Mario would try to swing a hammer at me. Too bad he couldn't climb a ladder with one though!
Unlike the other Jr. Clown Car users, it doesn't actually give her any defenses and instead, she'll take more damage if attacks hit her body. This makes her especially vulnerable to predators. No no no, not THAT kind, I mean the kind that use terms like "L-Cancelling" and "Wavedashing" and "Spiking". The kind of players that speak the language of competitive masters but don't have any of the talent or skill. Her Cockpit Shield is at least a lot more durable, so she has that going for her I guess. Don't hold back when fighting her though, she's still a pretty capable fighter!
Wario and Waluigi	
If you played the original "Donkey Kong", chances are you played other "Mario" games. And if you played those, chances are you know these two. Wario and Waluigi fight as a duo, and will do anything in their power to override their opponents. Both of them are pretty greedy and well-known, so I'm surprised only one of them is in "Smash". Waluigi should really make it in sometime. Yeah, I said it! I'll be awaiting all your debates in the comment section. Come at me with your best shot.
Moving on, the fat one's Wario and the one that looks like a jumble of pipe cleaners is Waluigi. They can swap places between each other, utilizing their own attacks and abilities. In general, Wario's slower and stronger while Waluigi's faster and more tactical. Both of them have Bob-omb attacks where one throws it and the other just sets it on the ground. How clever, it's almost as if the game designers were too lazy to give these guys different moves so they just gave them slight variations. You may as well be taking the same character, change like two things, and pass it off as a full character at that point! Oh wait...
My ranting aside, these two are actually pretty fierce fighters when together. Wario's Shoulder Dash packs quite a wallop, so you'll need to avoid it at all costs. Meanwhile, Waluigi's Moonwalk can leave anyone he passes by stunned for a bit so they can be attacked. Wario's also got this weird move called Money Bag, where he... takes out a coin sack and shakes it to get Coins out and damage opponents? What? That's an attack? Back in my time that was called getting a paycheck, and we liked it!
Zephyr 	
Oh great. A dragon. I haven't seen one of THOSE before. I don't get what's so crazy about them. Dragons are just dinosaurs, only fake. At least dinosaurs actually ruled the world at one point, dragons are nothing but fairy tales passed down for years. If I can credit Zephyr here for anything he's certainly one of the better-looking ones I've seen. Those wings are too big for their own good though. You'd think with wings as big as that he'd be able to stay in the air for more than a few seconds. I guess that's just a game design thing though.
My unpopular opinions aside, Zephyr is still a pretty tough foe. He's mastered the power of fire and electricity to bring destruction on his opponents. He's got a good amount of muscle too. He can lift boulders from the ground and chuck them at you. They can do some heavy damage, but let's see him try and throw a couple barrels. I bet he wasn't even half as strong as I was in my prime.
Most characters in this game have cool techniques or unique attributes, but Zephyr doesn't have any of that. He's just your basic "rush enemies down and maul them to death" fighter. Guess he's a firm believer in the classics being the best way to go. Heh, maybe we have more in common than I thought. Word on the street says that he managed to become stronger than the master who taught him these abilities. Yeah, I remember teaching that young Donkey my barrel-throwing and girder-climbing tricks. Too bad he's ignoring them and going kart racing with Mario instead. Why can't you be more like this guy, DK? Why?
==Trivia==
*This feature was based on the videos by Blocked Content which have a similar style of execution and comedy.
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