The True Story of Puss 'n Boots Review

Bob: Hello, everyone. I was at Walmart the other day, and as I was walking by the DVD section, I couldn't help but be reminded of a certain Strong Bad e-mail from homestarrunner.com. 
Cut to a clip from the Strong Bad e-mail in question, "licensed" (#190).
Strong Bad: *speaking as he types* Another great knock-off is DVDs. The ones that are slight variations of slightly animated kids' movies. The kind they put right next to the check-out line, so Grandma might accidentally mistake it for the real thing. And they have titles like "The Secret Princess and Her Oppressive Authority Figure 4" and the always popular, "Jungle Animals in Decidedly Non-Jungle Situations".
Bob: What reminded me of this classic joke? *holds up a DVD for the movie we're about to see* "The True Story of Puss 'n Boots".
Cut to various pictures of the character from "Shrek" also called Puss in Boots, including one with his voice actor, Antonio Banderas.
Bob: *voiceover* Yes, apparently the character, Puss from the "Shrek" movies, is so popular that he got a knockoff movie released in 2009, a whole two years before DreamWorks's film, "Puss in Boots". But instead of getting some other Hispanic voice actor to copy Antonio Banderas, this movie features the brilliant voice actor... William Shatner?
Cut to a video of Puss in Boots in the shower, dubbed by Bob impersonating William Shatner.
Puss in Boots: Look at your cat. Now, back to me. Now, back to your cat. Now, back to me. Sadly, your cat is not me. If he were, he could get you great deals at priceline.com.
Bob: Ah, but what is the true story of Puss in Boots? Well, long story short...
Cut to a cover of the original European fairy tale.
Bob: *voiceover* It's a 1697 French fairy tale about a young man who inherits a strange cat from his father, and the bebooted cat fabricates a wealthy facade for his master to help him gain power, prestige, and of course, the princess.
Bob: And because this movie was produced in France, that means it must be as accurate to the original tale as possible, right? Let's take a look.
He presses a button on his remote, and the title of the movie appears on-screen.
Bob: *voiceover* Our movie opens with...
A strange kazoo rendition of "Fur Elise" plays over the opening titles.
Bob: *voiceover* ...music that won't be composed for hundreds of years, being played on instruments that won't be invented for hundreds of years?
Bob: Mere seconds into this 'allegedly true story', and they're already playing the artistic license card. Wonderful. *voiceover* Well, OK, maybe it's too early to judge based solely on the music. Maybe the scenery will more properly portray a true 17th century France and... oh, dear. *beat* A windmill with most of its sails missing, and a palace that looks like something Dr. Seuss coughed up?
Bob: Because when you're telling the true story about anything, it's important to paint as fanciful and unrealistic a picture as possible. *voiceover* Anyway, inside the 'incredibly realistic' palace, we see the king and queen giving audience to their chamberlain. 
Chamberlain (Arthur Holden): We have to find a husband for the princess!
Jester (Rick Jones): The princess will only marry an excellent dancer.
Chamberlain: This husband should be a royal! Or maybe... she could possibly marry a...
Jester: ...A chamberlain?
Chamberlain: *flaunting around* A chamberlain! And why not a chamberlain? This is a handsome chamberlain! He's a grand chamberlain! He's gentle! He can... he can dance very, very, very well, this chamberlain!
Bob: Do these two get their roles mixed up? *voiceover* Seriously, look at these two. The chamberlain is over-the-top, exaggerated in his movements, he wears pancake, he tells jokes... 
Chamberlain: *repeated from earlier* We have to find a husband for the princess!
Queen (Pauline Little): *slurred* A husband? *chuckles* What on earth for?
Chamberlain: To marry!
Bob: *voiceover* And the jester? The only silly thing he does is wear this ridiculous costume. The rest of the movie, he just quietly stays by the side of the royals, calmly giving them advice...
Jester: There's nothing to worry about. Our princess is just fine.
Cut to the princess herself in her dance studio, accompanied by her servants.
Bob: *voiceover* And speaking of out-of-character characters, this butch-haired, suntan, pantsuit-wearing dancer is the princess. *beat* Yeah, because 17th century French princesses always looked like this, didn't they?
The princess dances with her servants while vocalizing "Der Hölle Rache". Cut back to Bob giving a perplexed look and wincing every time the princess hits a high note.
Bob: *voiceover* I have no idea what these guys are getting paid to stand there and look like they're enjoying this chick's caterwauling, but it's not enough.
The princess finishes her song.
Bob: And is this just going to be your thing, movie? Taking classical songs that don't exist yet, and then redoing them in new and horrible arrangement? Because I can take care of that easily. 
Bob points his finger, and the original rendition of the Queen of the Night aria plays over the film.
Bob: Much better.
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