Muppet Minute

Muppet Minute was the concept for a regular segment on 60 Minutes in 1983, wherein the Muppets would bring to life the kind of situation, humor, and commentary of the typical editorial cartoon.
Jim Henson had an initial meeting with executive producer Don Hewitt, as the program's staple Andy Rooney was considering retiring. Hewitt had long desired to have a political cartoon-type segment on the show since its inception. Recalling the humorous feature about The Muppet Show that aired on 60 Minutes in 1979, he believed the Muppets' brand of comedy might work best in a new segment to fill Rooney's expected absence.Memoirs of a Muppets Writer, pages 263-266The Evening Independent "Cartoons on '60 Minutes'" October 10, 1983 Henson tapped frequent collaborator Joseph A. Bailey to help develop material for the potential segment.
Throughout the spring and summer of 1983, Henson and Bailey worked on various concepts for the feature, with such ideas as a literal two-faced individual, a "mole" in the Pentagon, and the Statue of Liberty come to life.Jim Henson's Red Book: 9/–/1983 – ‘Working on Mt. Rushmore for 60 Minutes.’ In August, the pair submitted proposals to the 60 Minutes staff with scripts involving Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and the Muppet version of Mount Rushmore (originating from The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence).Personal communication between Shane Keating and Karen Falk One such routine by Bailey, titled "The Bomb," had Kermit interview inventor P.R. Flack, creator of an explosive device capable of leveling the whole of the United States in mere seconds (allowing the nation to save face by destroying itself rather than allow any alien enemy the opportunity).
By September, fellow Sesame Street writer Tony Geiss had been brought on board to write new sketches starring Mount Rushmore, acting as the sole focus of the skits. Rather than simply trading corny, politically-adjacent jokes as in their debut special, the stone heads would comment on current topics of pollution, new laws, and Vanessa Williams becoming the first Black Miss America (though George Washington continues to be the slowest on the uptake). Kermit (in reporter mode) would appear to provide a brief introduction to the Presidential group. Henson and his team took to the CBS Studios on September 28 to record the initial batch of four sketches. In October, Henson's involvement in the program began to be reported on by the press, which misinterpreted the concept as literal animated segments without Muppets.
However, Henson was dissatisfied with the results of the September shoot. A second taping session was planned for November 7,Jim Henson's Red Book: 11/7/83 ‘VTR Mt. Rushmore for 60 Minutes.’ but was postponed until the 30th. In the meantime, Geiss prepared a new quartet of sketches. For these segments, Henson was joined by performers Peter Baird, Neil Gallagher, Brian Muehl, and Fred Newman as the Presidents. Even with the revised segments, the 60 Minutes producers could not find an appropriate slot for them, and all the material was ultimately left unaired. Andy Rooney did not retire as initially anticipated at the time, and remained on the show until 2011.
While the feature was abandoned, the premise of Kermit paired with the sentient monument was repurposed in a 1987 PSA for the National Wildlife Federation. Years later in 1992, the Muppets would be featured in a series of weekly sketches for Good Morning America, fulfilling the original concept of the characters providing a humorous spin on topical events within a television news magazine format.
==Mount Rushmore scripts==
The following are transcripts of material written by Tony Geiss, including sketches that did not end up getting recorded at all.Tony Geiss papers at the Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library, Yale University Of these pieces, "Miss America," "TV Anchormen," "New TV Season," and "America's Cup" (not transcribed below) were recorded during the first session on September 28, 1983. "Acid Rain," "Greenhouse Effect," "New Year's Toast," and "Telephone Trust" were recorded during the second session on November 30.
The order presented here is by alphabetical title, rather than a chronological production order. Varying character designations (between first name, last name, and abbreviations) are reflective of the scripts' individual presentations.
===Acid Rain===
 	UP ON KERMIT IN SLICKER. IT IS RAINING. THE SKY ABOVE RUSHMORE IS GRAY.
KERMIT 	(TALKING OFF) I have a friend who doesn't worry about acid rain. He wears an alkaline raincoat. (SEES CAMERA) Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog, let's hear from the high and the mighty about a monumental problem...
 	PUSH ON RUSHMORE. FX: RAIN. SFX: RAIN.
WASHINGTON	Gentlemen, the torch of liberty is corroded!
JEFFERSON 	Now, George, just because they're celebrating your birthday on the 20th...!
WASHINGTON	I mean the statue, Jefferson! The Statue of Liberty. Our sister monument. Her torch is corroded. Her skin is going. Her ribs are rusting away from acid rain.
JEFFERSON 	Acid rain.
LINCOLN 	Pity.
ROOSEVELT 	Fine figure of a woman.
WASHINGTON	That's not the worst! Her shoulder's weak! Know what that means?
LINCOLN 	Means she's been carrying a ten-ton torch for 97 years.
 	GENERAL CHUCKLES
WASHINGTON	Very funny, Lincoln. It means the torch of liberty could fall!
JEFFERSON 	Now, that's serious.
ROOSEVELT 	Buck up, George. I hear they're raising 30 million to patch her up.
WASHINGTON	That's not the point! They knew about this rain! Why did they neglect her so long???
JEFFERSON 	Indeed. "The price of liberty is eternal vigilance."
WASHINGTON	You know who's next??? Us!
 	RAIN SOUND UP. LONG BEAT.
WASHINGTON	Is my nose getting shorter?
 	BEAT.
LINCOLN 	Just a little.
===Congress Not on Drugs===
JEFFERSON 	Well, gentlemen, Congress just announced that nobody there takes drugs.
LINCOLN 	Not that you can prove...
TEDDY 	Bully for them!
WASHINGTON	Yes. We need clear heads to do the nation's business. What's Congress up to?
JEFFERSON 	Well...they just passed a bill paying dairy farmers 83¢ a quart not to produce milk.
WASHINGTON	What?!?!?
TEDDY 	The price of dairy cattle went up.
WASHINGTON	Why?
LINCOLN 	Can't not produce milk without a cow, George. Gotta have something not to milk.
 	ALL BUT WASHINGTON LAUGH.
WASHINGTON	Very funny. What else have they done?
TEDDY 	Passed a defense budget.
WASHINGTON	That's better. I say, millions for defense, but--
JEFFERSON 	Billions, George. Two hundred and fifty-two.
WASHINGTON	(THROUGH THE ROOF) Two hundred and fifty-two billion dollars??? The whole Revolution cost 120 million! How can they spend all that?
LINCOLN 	It's easy, George, if your military pays 9000 dollars for a seventeen cent wrench.
WASHINGTON	They paid that??? Who found out?
LINCOLN 	Congress.
WASHINGTON	(INCREDULOUS) And they still gave them all that money?
 	YEPS ALL AROUND.
WASHINGTON	What else?
JEFFERSON 	Then they raised the national debt limit to one and a half trillion dollars...
WASHINGTON	One and a half trillion???
LINCOLN 	...and then they announced they're not taking drugs...
 	SILENCE. THREE BEATS.
WASHINGTON	Who are they kidding?!?
 	GRUNTS OF ASSENT.
===Greenhouse Effect===
KERMIT 	(TALKING OFF) When it's this cold I never get stiff in the joints. I stay out of the joints. (SEES CAMERA) Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog, here. Yes, it's cold. Especially the great outdoors, and here are four guys who are great and outdoors, talking about the weather.
 	PUSH ON RUSHMORE. SFX: WIND.
JEFFERSON 	I'm cold.
WASHINGTON	Me, too.
LINCOLN 	Wish I had my shawl.
ROOSEVELT 	Be patient gentlemen. In 70 years the world will be 9 degrees warmer.
WASHINGTON	(TESTY SKEPTIC THROUGHOUT) Who says so?
ROOSEVELT 	Science. The experts. The world is overheating.
JEFFERSON 	It's all these wars.
LINCOLN 	It's all the hot air from Congress...
ROOSEVELT 	Hogwash! It's fossil fuels. They've turned the globe into a greenhouse. The ice is melting.
WASHINGTON	How do they know?
ROOSEVELT 	They know, George. In 120 years the ocean will rise two feet. Part of New England will be underwater.
JEFFERSON 	(IT'S TOO MUCH) Not Philadelphia?
LINCOLN 	Why not? Philadelphia'd be lot more fun underwater... (CHUCKLES ALONE)
WASHINGTON	How do they know all this?
 	FX: IT STARTS TO RAIN. SFX: THUNDER.
ROOSEVELT 	Science! Computers! Progress! These aren't astrologers, George. They can predict centuries ahead with confidence! Precision!
 	RAIN GETS HEAVY. LONG BEAT.
LINCOLN 	(SLOW NEEDLE) Say, wasn't the weather report sunny and warm?
 	GRUNTS OF ASSENT. ROOSEVELT'S JAW DROPS.
JEFFERSON 	(THROWAWAY) Wrong again.
===Miss America===
 	UP ON: KERMIT IN SIXTY MINUTES CHAIR
KERMIT 	(TO SOMEONE OFF) Miss America? How could I miss America? I'm there. Oh, you mean the pageant-winner. (SEES CAMERA) Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here. Everyon'e [sic] talking about the new Miss America. Let's get the opinion of a distinguished rock group.
 	CUT TO: PUSH ON MOUNT RUSHMORE
LINCOLN 	(SARCASTIC) Just six score years since emancipation and already there's a black Miss America.
JEFFERSON 	Don't be sour, Abe. It's something. She's the first.
WASHINGTON 	I was the first, too.
ROOSEVELT 	She was first in swimsuit and first in talent, by jingo.
WASHINGTON 	I was the first in war and first in peace.
JEFFERSON 	But you can't sing, George.
 	ALL BUT WASHINGTON LAUGH
ROOSEVELT 	Bully!
LINCOLN 	Still, I hear she wants to go into the theatre.
JEFFERSON 	Don't knock the theatre, Abe. You had one bad experience.
ROOSEVELT 	A black Miss America! Capital! I say it's progress!
WASHINGTON 	If it's progress, what's next?
MOUTH ON EMPTY CLIFF SPACE	Watch this space, baby!
WASHINGTON 	I don't get it.
JEFFERSON 	I'm hip.
===Mount Rushmore Gives Thanks===
TR 	Well, it's Thanksgiving.
TJ 	It's official, then?
AL 	Yes, the President proclaimed it.
GW 	When?
TR 	Just before he left for Japan...Japanese didn't budge on the trade balance.
GW 	Then he went to Korea...We've got 23,000 troops there. War could break out any minute.
TJ 	Then he came home because the Marines are still pinned down in Lebanon...and Grenada...
GW 	And the budget deficit is $195 billion.
TR 	And they bombed the Capitol and shot an American in Greece...
AL 	Still, gentlemen, it's Thanksgiving...so let's pause and give thanks for our blessings...You first, Teddy.
 	A LONG BEAT.
TEDDY	Thank heavens I'm not President.
GW 	Me, too.
TJ 	Hear, hear.
AL 	Amen.
===New TV Season===
KERMIT	What's on television? I'm on television! Well, the new television season is here. Let's hear about it from four guys who don't need an antenna.
 	CUT TO: PUSH ON MT. RUSHMORE. OPEN IN FRONT OF THE HEADS IS A LARGE COPY OF TV GUIDE OF SAYS "TV LISTINGS" [sic]
ABE 	I'm for freedom of speech, but these new programs shake my confidence.
 	GENERAL ASSENT.
ABE 	How about this? Just Our Luck: a weatherman has a friend who is a genii [sic]!
TEDDY 	Preposterous!
GEORGE	Never happened!
TEDDY 	What about Manimal: a man turns himself into wild beasts?
ABE 	Ridiculous!
TOM 	Impossible!
GEORGE	Mister Smith: an ape holds an important job in Washington.
 	BEAT. SILENCE.
ABE 	Now that's possible.
TOM 	Even likely.
 	ALL LAUGH.
GEORGE	Hmp. Television. I have no regard for it.
TOM 	There's one show that sounds slightly interesting: "Washington", a mini-series about our first President.
GEORGE	(SUDDEN INTEREST) Oh. Who plays me?
ABE 	I was played by Henry Fonda, Raymond Massey and Gregory Peck.
GEORGE	Who plays me?
TOM 	Barry Bostwick.
GEORGE	Barry Bostwick???
 	ALL LAUGH.
GEORGE	Who plays Martha?
ABE 	Patty Duke Astin.
GEORGE	Patty Duke Astin? Isn't she too short?
TED 	Maybe, but she's spunky.
TOM 	Won an Emmy.
ABE 	Jaclyn Smith is in it.
 	SOUNDS OF APPROBATION--HUBBA HUBBA.
ABE 	Besides, George. You don't like television.
GEORGE	Who says so? Let's get cable.
 	OTHERS LAUGH.
===New Year's Toast===
 	UP ON KERMIT WITH PARTY BLOWER, BLOWS IT. SFX: RASPBERRY.
KERMIT 	(TALKING OFF) What? Have I read 1984? Not yet. I couldn't finish 1983. (SEES CAMERA) Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here. Here are our talking heads of state with a long view of the year to come.
 	PUSH ON: MOUNT RUSHMORE. ALL FOUR HAVE PARTY HATS. ALL EXCEPT WASHINGTON ARE RAGGEDLY SINGING "AULD LANG SYNE"
WASHINGTON	(VERY LOUD) Gentlemen...!
 	IMMEDIATE PROTEST FROM THE OTHERS, FAIRLY FAST. MAY OVERLAP.
LINCOLN 	Shhhh.
JEFFERSON 	Keep it down, George.
ROOSEVELT 	My head.
LINCOLN 	What was that stuff Grant was drinking?
WASHINGTON	(LESS LOUD, CALLING THEM TO ORDER) Gentlemen...it is time to greet the New Year.
 	SILENCE
JEFFERSON 	(FEEBLY) Hear, hear...
WASHINGTON	To say goodbye to 1983...goodbye to...
 	RHYTHMIC WITH PAUSES
ROOSEVELT 	The Korean airliner...
LINCOLN 	The marines killed in Lebanon...
JEFFERSON 	Dioxin in Missouri...
ROOSEVELT 	Sex in Congress...
LINCOLN 	Hurricane Alicia...
JEFFERSON 	The missile crisis...
WASHINGTON	That's over! Good riddance! Let's think of what's coming! 1984!
ROOSEVELT 	The Presidential election.
LINCOLN 	The marines still in Lebanon.
JEFFERSON 	A national debt of one and a half trillion.
LINCOLN 	Seven telephone companies.
ROOSEVELT 	The same Congress...!
 	BEAT.
JEFFERSON 	A new Russian missile crisis.
 	SILENCE. MURMURS OF DISMAY.
WASHINGTON	Gentlemen, a toast...to the year of hope to come! I give you...1985!
ALL 	Hear, hear! I'll drink to that! 1985, I can't wait!
===Non-Smokers Rights===
 	TEDDY IS SMOKING A BIG CIGAR. CLOUDS WAFT OVER THE OTHERS, WHO COUGH MILDLY.
LINCOLN 	If this were San Francisco, Teddy, you'd have to put that stogey out.
TEDDY 	Why? It's a damn fine cigar!
LINCOLN 	New law. Non-smokers rights!
WASHINGTON	(INDIGNANT) Non-smokers rights??? Is that in the Constitution?
LINCOLN 	Tom?
JEFFERSON 	(TRYING TO REMEMBER, SHAKEN)...Let's see...freedom of speech, freedom of religions, right to a fair trial, no illegal search and seizure... (SHOCKED) Nothing about non-smokers! (UPSET) How could we have left It out??? We must have been right out of our minds!
LINCOLN 	Don't worry, Tom. If they need a right nowadays, they make it up.
JEFFERSON 	Those constitutional conventions were so noisy!
WASHINGTON	Yeah...driver's rights, pedestrians rights, smokers rights, non-smokers rights...
JEFFERSON 	It was Hamilton's fault!
TEDDY 	Snow-mobilers rights...used car dealers' rights...the right to know funeral costs...the right to conceal funeral costs...
WASHINGTON	The right to create rights...
LINCOLN 	Right! Show me a man who's forbidden to do something and I'll show you a newborn sacred right!
 	ALL CHUCKLE. BIG CIGAR PUFF.
JEFFERSON 	(COUGHING) Gentlemen, it's not too late. I propose a Constitutional Amendment!
OTHERS 	Here we go! Another Amendment!
JEFFERSON 	"Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of non-smoking areas. The right of the people to secure their persons against inhaling cigar, pipe or cigarette smoke shall not be violated without a fine of $50. To this we pledge our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor." How does that sound?
TEDDY 	Terrible!
 	BIG CLOUD OF SMOKE. GRUNTS OF ASSENT, COUGHS.
===The Presidents Wives===
TEDDY 	Damn, shame, I say!
WASHINGTON	What's a shame?
TEDDY 	Using her likeness without permission.
JEFFERSON 	Whose likeness, Teddy?
TEDDY 	Mrs. Kennedy's. The President's wife. Some Frenchie put her face in some advertisement. She's suing, too. Bully for her!
JEFFERSON 	Now, Teddy, it wasn't really her. It was a look-alike.
WASHINGTON	Come on, Jefferson. They take advantage. Look at Dolly Madison. They just put her on ice cream. Never asked. Never saw a cent.
JEFFERSON 	What about Martha and the cupcakes, George?
WASHINGTON	(A SORE POINT) Never mind.
LINCOLN 	Hm. They never put Mrs. Lincoln's face on anything. Guess they figured she'd buy it anyway. She sure could shop!
WASHINGTON	The cowards! They've used our wives. Wouldn't dare do it to us!
TEDDY 	They've used our names, George...
 	MURMURS OF ASSENT.
LINCOLN 	Lincoln logs...
TEDDY 	The teddy bear...
JEFFERSON 	The Jefferson airplane...
TEDDY 	And now it's Mrs. Kennedy. The cads! Why won't they leave her alone?
 	MURMURS OF ASSENT.
WASHINGTON	Let's face it. It's the price of greatness.
===The Telephone Trust===
 	UP ON KERMIT HOLDING TELEPHONE TALKING INTO IT
KERMIT 	What do you mean that's $100 for sixty minutes? I only talked for two. No, I'm calling from sixty minutes! (SEES CAMERA) Oh! Will you take this? (HANDS IT OFF) Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here. Let's go to the mountaintop for the latest party line on the telephone system.
ROOSEVELT 	Gentlemen, great news! They've busted the telephone trust!
LINCOLN 	What's so great about it?
ROOSEVELT 	(FIREY) It was a monopoly! No competition! Soak the public! Price-gouging!
JEFFERSON 	I believe the government controlled the prices, Teddy.
LINCOLN 	For the little man, it was pretty cheap. And cheap speech is almost as important as free speech.
ROOSEVELT 	With competition it'll get cheaper!
JEFFERSON 	That's not what I hear.
LINCOLN 	Yep. I hear they're going to reach out and touch everyone...
ROOSEVELT 	(DEFENSIVE) But-but competition means better service!
JEFFERSON 	It's the best in the world now, Teddy.
ROOSEVELT 	Good grief! There must be some advantage. What do you think, George?
WASHINGTON	I think people should write letters! They're just as fast. I wrote Franklin in Paris, got an answer in a matter of weeks! (BEAT) Let 'em break it up!
ROOSEVELT 	(STUMPED) But why...if it was cheap, efficient, the best in the world, why did they break up the telephone trust?
LINCOLN 	The answer's simple, Teddy... it was... too good.
JEFFERSON 	That's it.
ROOSEVELT 	They always do that...
===TV Anchormen===
KERMIT	Reacting to a recent segment on Sixty Minutes here are our talking heads of state on the most powerful, sought-after job in America...
 	UP ON, PUSH ON MT. RUSHMORE. FAINT SOUND OF SANDBLASTING. A SHROUD HANGS OVER A BLANK SPACE ON THE MOUNTAIN, BARELY NOTICEABLE.
TOM 	George, would you run in '84?
GEORGE	Only for the highest office in the land.
ABE 	President?
GEORGE	Network anchorman.
 	NOISES OF AGREEMENT
TEDDY 	Bully job. Thirty minutes a night. Two million bucks a year.
TOM 	Important. Dan Rather puts on a sweater and it's page one.
ABE 	I wore a shawl. It didn't make the obituaries.
TEDDY 	Bully job, anchorman--first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.
GEORGE	That was me!
ABE 	That was Cronkite!
TOM 	First in Nielsens, too.
GEORGE	Humph. In our day anchormen knew their place. Rang a bell and said, "Nine O'Clock and all's well!"
TOM 	Earned five dollars a year.
GEORGE	Lucky to get it!
TEDDY 	Ah, but did they have credibility?
 	HMPHS ALL AROUND
GEORGE	Of course. They wore sweaters.
 	GRUNTS.
ABE 	Nothing changes.
Alternate Draft
KERMIT 	A few weeks ago, Sixty Minutes did a piece about anchormen. Here are some afterthoughts, chiseled on stone.
 	UP ON, PUSH ON MT. RUSHMORE.
JEFFERSON 	Know why they sent Paul Revere on that ride?
LINCOLN 	No, why?
JEFFERSON 	Because he was credible. Looked good. Spoke well. They could have sent Abel Cromwell, but they didn't.
TEDDY 	Why not?
JEFFERSON 	Bad diction. Messy hair. Dirty backside. They could have sent Ichabod Greene, but they didn't.
LINCOLN 	Why not?
JEFFERSON 	Good diction...nice clothes...and a long nose with a wart.
LINCOLN 	Tarnation, what's wrong with that?
JEFFERSON 	Not credible. And he had wooden teeth.
WASHINGTON	(HUFFY) I see nothing wrong with wooden teeth.
LINCOLN 	You can lie through real teeth.
JEFFERSON 	And he wore glasses.
TEDDY 	Poppycock!
JEFFERSON 	Glasses are not credible, Teddy, except on commentators. Look what happened to John Chancellor.
ROOSEVELT 	There's nothing wrong with glasses.
JEFFERSON 	Gentlemen, this was importatat news. If someone says "The British are coming!" you don't want people to say "Oh, yeah?" and "Sez you!"
WASHINGTON	I remain unconvinced.
 	GENERAL ASSENT
JEFFERSON 	Then consider this. Paul Revere wore a sweater.
 	OTHERS SUDDENLY ACCEPTING. "OH, A SWEATER!" "THAT EXPLAINS IT!" "NO WONDER THEY SENT HIM" "I WOULD, TOO!" ETC.
WASHINGTON	I still don't get it.
==See also==
*Muppet Time
==Sources==
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Unfinished TV
Category:America
Category:Politics
Category:Transcripts