Deadly Premonitions

A dead comedian is no joke, dance off with no winners, rebel plays hookie, prison officer can't sleep, basketball player is a glasshole, devils breath abuser gets to meet him personally, biophiliac is returned to earth.
AIRED ON: SEPTEMBER 27, 2015
Death #	Name 	Date 	Location 	Description
2512 	STAND UPPED 	May 26, 2000 	Madison, Wisconsin 	Tyler was a failing stand up comedian. Due to his declining popularity, he was willing to do anything to be in the public eye. At one show, he attempted to gain notoriety by pointing out certain people in the audience and insulting them. However, his plan backfired when the audience started throwing food and drinks at him. One person threw a soda cup, which landed right-side up. Tyler slipped on some of the soda that spilled out of the cup, and fell on it's straw, which pierced his left eye and impaled his brain, killing him in seconds.
4957 	DANCE OFFED 	1488 	Ireland 	A pirate crew was sailing back from the Celtic Sea after successfully committing mutiny. When they got ashore, they celebrated by getting drunk at a pub and dancing. They danced for hours on end, almost as if they couldn't stop dancing. As it turns out, that really was the case. The pirate crew could not physically stop dancing. This inability is an extremely rare phenomenon known as dancing mania. After days of inexplicable, nonstop dancing, one by one, the pirates dropped dead from heart attacks and strokes.
3522 	BAD FAIR DAY 	May 29, 2009 	Defiance, Ohio 	Natasha and Cleo were two college delinquents who had no interest in learning. During a long, boring lecture about plant reproduction, Natasha made up and excuse in order to ditch class. She asked her Biology prof, Professor Duragey, if she could use the bathroom. Cleo followed suit. When they left the classroom, they went to a nearby amusement park and got stoned. When Duragey realized that they tricked him into ditching class (for the 5th time in the school year) he alerted Principle Allen, who sent out a truant officer to look for them. When Natasha and Cleo were eventually spotted by the officer, they fled and hid behind a Ferris wheel. Natasha's hair suddenly got tangled in one of the seats, which lifted her off the ground as it ascended. Cleo tried pulling her down, but ended up killing her by ripping her scalp clean off of her head, which caused shock and subsequently, death.
6698 	FULL METAL JACKASS	April 15, 2008 	Sierra Vista, Arizona	Officer Kane worked at a federal state prison in Arizona. He abused the inmates there, often making racist, prejudiced remarks. When one of the inmates, Pedro, threatened to kill him in his sleep, Kane brushed it off. However, later that night in his bed, Kane experienced a sleep paralysis episode. He started to experience a hallucination in the form of a shadow. He was convinced that that shadow was Pedro, and that he was about to kill him. After 7 frightening minutes, the episode was over, and a fear and guilt ridden Kane immediately grabbed a shotgun from under his bed and shot himself in the mouth, so that he wouldn't die by Pedro's hands.
1487 	AIR ROSEBUD 	August 11, 2012 	Topeka, Kansas 	An arrogant basketball player named Kris played ball with people who were no match for his skills. Kris intentionally placed himself with under-skilled players to make it seem like he was one of the best B-ballers of all time, most likely to overcompensate for not making it in the college varsity basketball team. One day, he showed off by making a slam dunk, which caused the net's glass wall to shatter. Kris wasn't able to hold on to the rim for very long, and fell onto shards of the glass, which pierced his rectum, causing massive blood loss, and death. As it turns out, he put on hand sanitizer before the slam dunk as a homophobic joke, because he didn't want to catch "fag-alitis" from one of the players, who is gay. The slipperiness of the hand sanitizer explains how Kris couldn't keep a good grip on the rim.
2860 	CAR-FACE 	November 30, 2011	Pontiac, Illinois 	Rex was a junkie who managed to score a batch of Scopolamine, more commonly known as Devil's Breath. It is a drug that is typically in the form of powder, and can compromise one's memory and free will when ingested. It is often used to carry out sexual assaults, robberies, and murders. To give it an extra kick, Rex mixed it with cocaine. He planned on waiting behind a building in a back alley, and blowing it in an unsuspecting victim's face. He waited for about an hour, until finally, a group of youth group kids began walking in Rex's direction. While Rex was getting ready to blow the blow in their face, a homeless man in the back alley notices it, and tries to get a pinch of it. Rex and the hobo fought over it for a little, until it all covered Rex's face. Now delirious, Rex wanders into the kids, who are confused and horrified at what they saw. One of the kids told him to "go play in traffic." Due to the zombifying effects of the Devil's Breath, Rex took that statement literally, and wandered into traffic. A car hit him, destroying his rib cage, puncturing his lungs, and killing him instantly.
4308 	MOUNT FOREVER-REST	October 6, 2005 	Anchorage, Alaska 	An ex zoology teacher named Bart Zalenski is convicted of child molestation and aggravated assault. As part of a plea deal, He was escorted to a remote part of Alaska to die there. He wanted to study and admire the animals there for one last time. When the escorts left, he began playing around with a myriad of animals (penguins, seals, a polar bear). At one point, he almost fell into the ocean, but saved himself at the last minute. He eventually grew hungry, tired, and bored, so he decided to escape. After an hour or so of walking, he finally found a small town next to a mountain. In a moment of triumph, he shouted "I'm free!" The shouting caused ice and snow to vibrate and descend from the mountainside. An avalanche then engulfed Bart, crushing him under tons of snow, asphyxiating him, and soon after, killing him.
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