Beauty and the Stakes/transcript

Previous Episode: Hero Weirdos
Next Episode: Cerealistic
==Transcript==
Episode Aired: May 12, 2001
Episode Copyrighted: 2000
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
French Narrator: Another wise person once said that coming together is the beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is the key to success. Marceline used to work alone in slaying vampires a thousand years ago, but now that the vamps came back, Lola and her other friends entered the picture offering to help. And at the same time, they figured that by working together, they didn't have to feel nervous.
Pauses.
French Narrator: Okay, maybe they were a little nervous, but hey, they're fighting vampires; what can you do?
The group is looking over glowing pearls on the ground.
Princess Bubblegum: *scans the pearls* Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Six and 19...
Amethyst from Steven Universe: That Rottenday guy sure left in a hurry.
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: I didn't even get a chance to say bye-bye.
Finn the Human: One vampire... *stomps on a pearl* Pbht! Two vampire– Pbht! Jake, check me out, I'm a self-sufficient mountain man. *puts a pearl in my mouth*
Jake the Dog: *smacks it out* No! Don't put that biz in your mouth, man! They could be booby-trapped or poisoned or–
Marceline Abadeer: Whoa, chill, Jake. These pearls were dropped by the Moon. Her main power is accelerated healing. It'll be like fighting a cutting board.
Steven Universe: Why would anyone want to fight a cutting board?
Marceline Abadeer: Exactly.
Jake the Dog: Hmm... Okay. Anyways, we should try to find her before–
Finn the Human: *puts a pearl to my face*
He pushes it away.
Jake the Dog: No!
Marceline Abadeer: *chuckles at their horseplay*
Jake the Dog: I'm gonna get you! Come on!
Princess Bubblegum: See, Marci? Isn't vampire hunting better with friends?
Marceline Abadeer: *blushes* Yeah, I guess. I'm just glad Simon is okay.
Lola Loud: It's too bad he annoyed Rottenday into leaving Ooo. All that skirt-chasing.
Princess Bubblegum: Try being the keep-away, sister.
Jake the Dog: *brushes myself off as the sun goes down* Anyway... I don't care how easy this vamp's supposed to be. We should hole up somewhere before the sun goes down-- It's down. Great.
Princess Bubblegum: Yep, let's get going.
Garnet from Steven Universe: But first, let's put the children to bed. They've been up for two days.
Gumball and Darwin are hugging each other in their sleep, and Steven wakes up, leaving Jeff to tumble over.
Steven Universe: Uh, wha—? *stands up, one eye slightly closed in grogginess, drooling slightly* No, I'm— I'm— I'm fine! Let's— let's go hunting! *walks beside a tree, sleepily mumbles* First one to catch something wins… *trips over a root*
Garnet from Steven Universe: *catches Steven before he falls to the ground* I win. *gives him to Mr. Gus, who is seen carrying the rest of the boys in his arms*
Mr. Gus: Come on, boys, let's get you to the RV.
Pizza Steve: *yawns* Yeah, Pizza Steve needs his beauty sleep, too, you know.
Uncle Grandpa and his gang leave with the boys, leaving Finn, Jake, Lola, beauty girls, Marceline, Bubblegum, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl to continue the search.
Princess Bubblegum: My vampire thingy is indicating high levels of vampire junk in... this direction. Come on!
They follow the trail of pearls, and not too long after they're gone, a cookie-like figure dressed as a wolf runs out of the bushes, and a yellow man follows on horseback.
Commander Peepers: Ha, ha!
Lord Master Lox: Stop, please!
Commander Peepers: Don't be such a nerd, Crunchy. *draws a cotton-tipped arrow* Hunting is the most royal of sports! The people expect it of their Princess-King. It's football!
Lord Master Lox: I don't think that's a trick.
Time card reading "Later..."
French Narrator: Later...
He's still searching for Master Lox
Commander Peepers: Come on, Master Lox, it's dark. Let me tie you up. *hears a bear growling, then sees a bush rustling* Aha! It's a bear, Master Lox. *hears a bear snarling* All right, that's a bit much.
A bear comes closer.
Commander Peepers: *screams and runs away*
He is seen attempting to climb a tree when he sees Peppers coming.
Lord Master Lox: Oh, no stop!
Commander Peepers: *pushes Master Lox* Shush!
Lord Master Lox: Huh? *sees Hater* It's okay. It's Lord Hater. That's what separates us from them.
Commander Peepers: Ha! Dumb, lowly skeleton.
Lord Master Lox: No! No, no, no, no, no!
Lord Hater: Marceline; where is she?
Commander Peepers: Oh, sir! I-I wish I knew! No love lost there, am I right?
Lord Hater: *pushes them together* Tell me everything.
Commander Peepers: Okay, okay! I grew up poor, dirt poor. The other kids called me Lil' Bubbles because we couldn't afford a bathtub. Sure, I try to act the way wealthy peeps are suppose–
Lord Hater: *gives myself a puma head in impatience* Shut up! Tell me where to find Marceline! 
Commander Peepers: Yeah, sir! Well, she hangs out with that Princess Bubblegum. You know her? Well, she has a nice little cabin by the... uh I'll draw you a map! Master Lox, do you have a pen? Tell me you have a pen.
Lord Master Lox: Oh. Huh. *pulls out a fanny pack, but the zipper is stuck* Oh, this darn zipper... Oh, bummers.
Slide transition cuts with a poster for an upcoming community theater play called beauty and the stakes. Zoom out with Luan, Lola and Lana are seen looking at it.
Lana Loud: A beauty and the beast play? Awesome!
Luan Loud: Tell me about it. Me and Benny got the lead roles at our school production of the movie sometime ago.
Lola Loud: We saw it, amazing but I prefer stuff based more on the books rather than most movie adaptations. Not that I don’t like those of course. Except for changing the beast’s physical appearance in that remake...
Luan Loud: and auditions are opening today. What say we go break a leg and try it out? We’ve got some time before we get back home from dad sending me to pick up his dry cleaning and picking you two up from your blue bell scouts meeting.
Lana Loud: I’ve never been in a local play before. I’m in!
Lola Loud: Well I’ve always wanted to try to be the star of something other than pageants. So why not?
They head inside. In the theater, lots of people have turned up to audition for the play. Among the people were Benny and Winston.
Lola Loud: SpongeBob? What are you doing here?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh hey Lola. Are you here to audition for the play too?
Lola Loud: Oh uh, yeah. I didn’t know you were interested in musical theater.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, but I’ve never performed before. Sandy said this would be a great opportunity to show everyone that I’m not just your average rich boy and junior pageant judge, so here I am. By the way, I loved your bottle cap tap dance routine at the last pageant. Great use of improv.
Lola Loud: Oh well thank you. Hehehehe...even though it was part of a misunderstanding where I thought it was Lindsey Sweetwater who was planning to sabotage again.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Again, great performance.
Word was spread that Lola and Winston were a good pair since the love letter scenario one Valentine’s Day. A princess and a prince one would say. Suddenly, the lights go out. Everyone panics until a voice can be heard.
Announcer: And now thespians...
Nobody knows what is happening.
Announcer: Here's your director... The Royal Woods High School drama teacher, the two-time nominee for 'Royal Woods Dinner Theatre's Best Director...
Everyone is looking for where this is coming from, and Grim Reaper comes “flying down” from a rope.
Announcer: Grim Reaper!
Lola Loud: Did he have to announce himself like that?
Luan Loud: it gets him blood flowing.
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: Stop it, you're too kind. Gather round, everyone, gather. I am so thrilled to be helming this production of beauty and the stakes!
Lola Loud: Wait, Grim? I thought this was beauty and the stakes!
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: It is, but with a twist. Everyone in the story is genderbent! Beau will be the male beauty that many boys will relate to on a spirited level, and the lady beast will show that damsels in distress aren’t in every fairy tale! It’ll be phenomenal! A classic story for a newer generation!
Lola Loud: Oh gee...what a surprise. Yeah...
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: Has everyone warmed up well? Because it’s time for auditions!
The auditions start. First was Squidward...
Squidward Tentacles: I’m doing the part of like, the castle maid. Oh mistress, there seems to be another visitor in the castle.
Then Lizzie...
Lizzie the Flower: This is terrible, mother and beau haven’t returned in quite a while. You don’t suppose... *checks lines written on my arm* Something bad happened to them, didn't you?
Then SpongeBob...
SpongeBob SquarePants: But how could I love a beast? What would everyone say? How could this be?
But when it was Lola's turn, she couldn’t do anything.
Lola Loud: Um...you think it’s easy...being a...a...a... I’m sorry I can’t do it! I just can’t do it...
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: Is there something wrong with SpongeBob?
Lola Loud: All my life I’ve been comfortable playing princess and other heroine roles that team up with monsters, but this is the first time I’ve ever tried out for a role that’s a monster herself.
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: I understand, you’re worried that this will ruin your reputation of being a little sweet thing. But don’t worry, you just need to find it in your heart and believe in yourself that this role won’t be as bad as you thought!
Lola Loud: Ok I get it! Stop hamming up every conversation you try to have with someone! You’re not in the dinner theater circuit anymore! Look, I need to practice for my desired role, just give me some time and I’ll try again tomorrow.
Grim Reaper understood and gave Lola another chance.
Back at the cabin...
Gumball Watterson: I don't know, man.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah! We should be out there, helping the good guys fight the evil skeletons! And spooky!
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: *quotes myself* "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live." Grim Reaper.
As Peppermint Butler stokes the fire for a stew, something scratches at the door.
Uncle Grandpa: Huh? You hear a noise?
Belly Bag: I think I heard a noise. *to Giant Realistic Flying Tiger* Did you?
Giant Realistic Flying Tiger: *roars affirmatively, then inquisitively to Pizza Steve*
Pizza Steve: I think I heard a noise, too. *to Mr. Gus* Did you hear a noise?
Mr. Gus: I think I heard a noise as well. *to Steven* Did you hear a--
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes, Mr. Gus. You heard it, I heard it, he heard it, we all heard it.
Mr. Gus: Oh.
Something scratches at the door again, and Uncle Grandpa, Gumball, Darwin, SpongeBob, Grim, Steven, and Peppermint Butler cautiously approach the door, and when they open it, they encounter Hater in his puma form.
Gumball and Darwin Watterson: *screams*
Darwin Watterson: What do you want, fearsome specter?!
Lord Hater: May I come in?
Gumball and Darwin Watterson: *stops screaming*
Gumball Watterson: Uh... sorry, one more time?
Lord Hater: I said, may I come in?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy and Steven Universe: Um...
Peppermint Butler: Aah! Ah ha ha! You're one of those old fashioned revenants, aren't you? You can't come in unless I invite you in! *turns around and lifts my coattails mockingly* Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha!
Gumball and Darwin Watterson: *starts laughing*
Peppermint Butler: What do you think would even happen if you just walked in here, huh? You're so dumb, you sad old relic. *chops up a small chunk of garlic* How 'bout some garlic? *tosses it at Hater, who shrugs it off despite the small burns* You dumb skeleton!
Darwin Watterson: That's awful.
Grim Reaper from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: Don't feel bad, that’s my fault, not yours. He's a stickler for the old rules.
Gumball Watterson: Yeah, I know it's lame, but that's how it is.
Darwin Watterson: No, I mean, that's awful!
Lord Hater: *goes down the path the other heroes took*
Peppermint Butler: Wait! Don't go that way! Oh! *jumps out of the doorway* Look! I'm out of the house! Come back! Come back! *starts hopping on all fours* Back, back, back, back! He's not coming back.
Gumball Watterson: After him!
He and Darwin mount Steven on piggyback, while Steven activates his bubble and pursues Hater, with Uncle Grandpa following, and Peppermint Butler pulls out his phone. Back home, Lola was in her and Lana's room pacing back and forth, trying to come up with a solution.
Lola Loud: What am I gonna do? What do I know about being both a princess and a beast? Maybe I can convince Grim Reaper to change the script. Maybe I can have somebody switch roles with me.
Lana Loud: Are you still worried about that? I got the role of a castle servant and I ain’t complaining. I’m only doing this just for the free refreshments they hand out during intermissions and rehearsals.
Lola Loud: At least you get the easy part.
Lana Loud: If you’re really that worried, maybe you should up your role a bit. You know, make it more believable.
Lola Loud: But how?
Lana Loud: Maybe look and act more like a beast.
Lola Loud: But how could I...wait, I think you just gave me an idea...
We see Lola in the hallway looking for Lucy.
Lola Loud: Lucy? If you’re around I need your help! 
Lucy Loud: *appears behind her* What is it?
Lola Loud: *screams* You really need to wear a bell. But I’m glad you’re here. I need your help. I just got a role for a community theater play of beau and the beast, a genderswap version of a familiar story, and I got the main role as a princess who was cursed to be a beast. The problem is I don’t know how to play my part well and I don’t feel comfortable being a monster.
Lucy Loud: I can tell that you are indeed distressed by this.
Lola Loud: So you'll help me?
Lucy Loud: As a matter of fact, there is something I’ve been meaning to try out. Come with me.
Lola and Lucy went to Lynn and Lucy’s room.
Lucy Loud: *pulls out a small book from my shelf* I got this book from haiku’s garage sale. It’s supposed to have spells that can transform people into monsters including beasts.
Lola Loud: What are we waiting for? Let’s do this! So how does this work? Do we make some potions or something?
Lucy Loud: Not every spell needs this here. Some require rituals, and that’s what we need to do.
Lola Loud: the things I gotta do to make this play role worth it...
Lucy Loud: *draws a beast symbol on the floor, lights some essence and candles and prepares the chant*
Lola was standing in the middle.
Lola Loud: Ok I’m in the middle. So now what?
Lucy Loud: The last thing you need is a drop of your own blood and press down on the spot you're standing.
Lola Loud: what?!
Lucy Loud: Do you want to perform with SpongeBob or not?
Lola Loud: Needle please. *pokes my thumb with a sharp needle* Ouch! Ignore the pain... *presses my thumb down on the floor*
The circle started glowing. A strong gust of wind blew around the room. Wolf howls can be heard. Lola just stood there scared while Lucy began to read more from the book.
Lucy Loud: And now let the transformation commence! *chants strange words*
Lola suddenly felt tingly, followed by a burning sensation as if there were hundreds of needles poking out of her body. She looked down and her nails were elongating into claws ripping out of her gloves.
Lola Loud: Lucy what’s happening? *continues to change*
Her body became harrier, her feet shifted and broke her shoes, a tail sprouted out, her ears became large and pointed, her nose lengthened into a snout, her teeth sharpen, and her dress couldn’t stretch anymore and ripped and tore at the bits. The circle of light tones down and the wind stops. Lucy looks up and gasps. In that same spot was a tall, large blonde werewolf. That werewolf was Lola.
Lola Loud: Ohhh, every bone in my body aches. Well? Did it work?
Lucy Loud: It did. See for yourself.
Lola Loud: *checks my reflection in a vanity mirror and freezes*
That large hairy beast staring back was her. Normally she would scream and freak out, but tonight, she felt glad.
Lola Loud: It’s perfect! I’m gonna be the most outstanding actress in the play for sure! I mean seriously, look at me, as a pimple on prom night but in a good way. I’ve got a face only our mother could love!
Lucy Loud: Ahem. Some thanks would be appreciated.
Lola Loud: like I haven’t forgotten! *bear hugs* Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Lucy Loud: I would say thank you, but I need an air supply first.
Lola Loud: *lets go*
Lucy Loud: Gasp!
Lola Loud: Now that I look good for the part, all I need is to act the part! By the way, this ain’t permanent is it?
Lucy Loud: You should return to normal if your true love kisses you. An odd antidote even for a monster book.
Lola Loud: Is it hot in here or is it me? Cause I’m gonna faint from the thought of SpongeBob kissing!
The following hour, Lola was rehearsing her lines, even adding improv. But she was so caught up in the act that she didn’t notice the rest of her family hearing her and came to investigate. They’re eyes went wide.
Lori Loud: Uh Lola?
Squidward Tentacles: Is that you?
Lola Loud: Huh? *turns around* AH! What are you all doing here?
Lily Loud: Doggy!
Rita Loud: That's not a dog, that’s Lola!
Lucy Loud: She asked me to help her out with this. Don’t worry the effects aren’t permanent.
Luan Loud: I knew something seemed far-fetched. Hahahahaha!
Green Rectangle: Great laugh, Luan!
Lola Loud: Laugh all you want, but you’ll think twice once you see me onstage as the beast with my beau! That’s right, I’m gonna get the lead role in the play now that I’ve got my confidence back!
Lincoln Loud: Are you sure you wanna do this? What would the others think if they saw a real hairy wolf girl in their play?
Lynn Loud Jr.: If this ends badly, you owe me 20 bucks.
Lola Loud: It’s gonna go well, trust me! Now shoo, I need to practice. *everyone leaves*
Luan Loud: Call Lana if you get a flea problem. or if you need help stepping up your performance, I’ll get Charles.
Lola Loud: *growls*
Luan Loud: Okay, I’m going!
Later.
Finn the Human: Man! I can't believe they just... *takes off my hat, revealing long blonde hair* Left me here. All unarmed and tethered like this.
Jake and Amethyst are disguised as trees as the other heroes hide.
Lola Loud: Come on... take the bait.
Finn the Human: Boy, my neck sure is hot. This baby needs to get some air. *exposes my beck
Lord Hater: *moves in*
Marceline is pulling back Lumpy Space Princess while the latter is covered with protruding stakes.
Lumpy Space Princess: Let's do it. *swings in*
Finn the Human: *throws myself onto me*
Lord Hater: *throws Finn off* Back off!
Lola Loud: It's him!
Jakes the Dog: *shifts back to normal*
Finn the Human: What are you gonna turn into next? *punches him* A puppy?! A baby goose?!
Lord Hater: *screams* RRAAAAAAAAAA!! grabs him by the hair*
Finn the Human: I'm a– Pbht! Skeleton! Pbht!
Lord Hater: *electrocutes Finn with green lightning*
Marceline Abadeer: Lord Hater!
He sees Marceline floating high and tosses Finn aside.
Jake the Dog: Green light.
Princess Bubblegum: *charges a laser*
Pearl from Steven Universe: *prepares to throw a long stake*
Lord Hater: *dodges the weapons*
Princess Bubblegum: *tries firing again*
She's out of ammo.
Princess Bubblegum: Ugh!
Steven Universe: Throw another one!
Pearl from Steven Universe: That was my only vampire spear!
Amethyst from Steven Universe: Haha, oh, right.
Garnet from Steven Universe: Then it's time for plan B.
The Gems walk off.
Lord Hater: *runs up to Marceline* Geez, aren't you cold up here? Don't people wear coats anymore? I've got a proposi–
Marceline Abadeer: *punches him*
Lord Hater: Oof! *goes to grab her*
But she turns invisible and dodges.
Marceline Abadeer: *offscreen* Oh! Surprise.
Lord Hater: Marceline, wait! Marceline!
Finn the Human (With hat back on): *takes out a crossbow* Jake, gather up all the stakes you can find.
Jake the Dog: On it! *runs off*
Lumpy Space Princess: Hey, Finn, catch! *tosses a stake to Finn, who catches it*
Finn the Human: Yes! *loads the crossbow, but doesn't see Hater* Cram! Where'd he go?
Lumpy Space Princess: *keeps tossing stakes* Finn, heads up! Try this! Finn, I'm helping! How about this? Use one of these stakes!
Finn the Human: *avoids the stakes* LSP, stop!
Jake the Dog: *carries a stake* Finn, I got one!
Finn the Human and Jake the Dog: *bumps into each other* Oof!
The crossbow fires, cutting LSP's rope, causing her to fall.
Lumpy Space Princess: What?!
Princess Bubblegum: *carries the repaired garlic bomb* Finn!
Lumpy Space Princess: *lands on top of her*
Causing the bomb to roll to Hater, who tinkers with it, much to the heroes', including the reappearing Marceline's, anticipation.
Lord Hater: What is with all this tacky plastic rubbish?!
Finn the Human: We'll never let you get to her! *goes to stake Hater*
He smacks him away and transforms into a giant amalgamated beast.
Lord Hater: You dunderheads! I can't even deal with all this modern nonsense! The rest of you, beat it!
Gumball Watterson: Uh... nice knowing you!
Steven Universe: *places SpongeBob, Grim, Gumball, Darwin, and Uncle Grandpa in my bubble*
Lord Master Lox and Commander Peepers: *walks to Hater* Hater!
Lord Master Lox: *eats cake* Oh, this is delicious!
Jake the Dog: *makes a fist*
Lord Hater: Huh?
Lord Master Lox, Lord Hater and Commander Peepers: *screams*
Jake the Dog: *flings Master Lox, Hater and Peepers*
Lord Master Lox, Lord Hater and Commander Peepers: *screams*
Screen cuts to the sky. Master Lox falls with whistling noise.
Lord Master Lox: *screams in horror*
He gets hit and lands on the ground.
Plankton: Guess your plan wasn't as good as you thought…
Lord Master Lox: Are you kidding me? I know that she's just a computer wife, but with a plan as needlessly complicated and convoluted as that one.
Plankton: Even though that means a lot.
Lord Master Lox: Well that thing's junk. How are we gonna get out of here?
Plankton: Good idea. *jumps on Master Lox's shoulder*
Lox Master Lox: *runs away and laughs with joy*
Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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