Episode 111: Lena Horne/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 111: Lena Horne.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Lena Horne! Whoo!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late, they had to pay the jockey time and a half. Aaaahhh.
 	The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Lena Horne! Aaahhh!
 	Muppets gather around Lena as Rowlf sits at the piano.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	The gong sounds like a foghorn when Gonzo hits it.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and dogs and frogs, and pigs and chickens, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special guest star, the talented, the beautiful and the indefatigable Miss, Lena Horne. But right now, we're gonna start off the show with an act that was discovered by George our janitor. And here it is, right from the cleaning room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps!
 	200px
 	A chorus of Muppet mops perform "Rag Mop."
George the Janitor	Yeah. Now, that's my kind of act.
 	Applause.
Statler 	Well, that kind of act only comes once in a lifetime.
Waldorf 	If you're lucky.
Statler 	Heh heh.
==Backstage==
 	George and the mops pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, OK. Good number. Good number, you guys. Good number. George, clean up your act. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Kermit, Kermit, is it true what I've heard, that I'm not doing my song in the show tonight?
Kermit 	Uh, that's true.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Why?
Kermit 	Well, Piggy, because Lena Horne is our guest this week. And uh, how can I say this? There are singers and there are singers. You catch my drift?
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, and — and you don't want me to overshadow Miss Horne. Oh! Of course you're right. What a considerate frog.
 	She kisses him and walks away. Muppy the dog comes downstairs.
Kermit 	Ignorance is truly bliss. Uh, Miss Horne on next. Miss Horne on next.
 	A horn in a wig appears.
Kermit 	No, not you. (aside) The wrong Miss Horn.
 	He goes onstage.
 	
=="I Got a Name"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer whose name is synonymous with style, taste and talent, the incredible Miss Lena Horne.
 	
 	Open on a railroad station setting. Muppy walks down the track, then walks up to Lena. Lena sings "I Got a Name" with the Muppets.
Waldorf	Oh, I could listen to her sing till the end of time.
Statler	She doesn't sing that. Not her style. No.
Waldorf	No, no, no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever.
Statler	No, she doesn't sing that either.
Waldorf	Why don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home while they still have a bed left?
==Backstage==
 	Kermit goes over the rundown. Muppy goes upstairs into his dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Kermit, Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	My love, I've been thinking.
Kermit 	What?
 	
Miss Piggy	The consideration that you've shown Lena Horne has only reinforced my undying love for you.
Kermit 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	Oh, kiss me quick! (lies on his desk)
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, uh …
Miss Piggy	Yes? Yes?
Kermit 	… I appreciate the fact that you find me attractive - every frog wants to be needed - but uh, there is no room in my life for — ahem — romance at this time, thank you.
Miss Piggy	(distraught) I'm crushed. I'm destroyed. My life has no meaning. It … it's over. It's over.
Kermit 	Piggy, uh, listen, uh…
Miss Piggy	The sun will never shine on this pig. O death, death, where is thy sting? (breathes heavily)
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, aren't you just overdoing it a little bit?
Miss Piggy	Uh, maybe. (walks away)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique diet. For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed.
 	She appears in the monitor.
Newsman	Uh, tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?
 	
Lena 	No. Not really. Except that … twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide.
Newsman	That's not easy to do in Kentucky.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. Mildred, as always, dances with George.
Mildred 	George, George.
George the Janitor	Huh?
Mildred 	Do you like circuses?
George the Janitor	Oh, I love them.
Mildred 	Oh, then you must like Ringling.
George the Janitor	I don't know, I never ringled.
 	
 	Zoot and Janice, not in a tree, D-A-N-C-I-N-G.
Janice 	Will you love me forever?
Zoot 	I don't know, baby. Ask me again in a million years.
 	Cut to the two pigs.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	You know, my aunt has a chest that goes back to 1700.
Pig (RH) 	Wow. That must make it tough on your uncle.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Yes.
 	Back to George and Mildred.
George the Janitor	Hey. You know, they say the children of today are the parents of tomorrow.
Mildred 	Huh. I always thought it took longer than that.
 	Cut to another couple.
Woman 	You know what really bugs me about you?
Blue Frackle 	What?
Woman 	Your temper. You're always blowing your top.
Blue Frackle 	Oh, yeah?
 	BOOM! His head explodes.
==UK spot==
	
	Zoot and Rowlf play the "Theme from Love Story." Rowlf sobs towards the end.
==Talk spot==
Kermit	Hey Lena, you know, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight. You have long been one of our favorites.
Lena 	Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, well, that makes us all very happy, because we on the — we…
 	He notices Fozzie, peering from the other side.
Fozzie	Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.
Kermit	Fozzie. Excuse me a minute.
Fozzie	Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha.
Kermit	Fozzie, what is it?
Fozzie	(standoffish) What is it? It's "us" and "we" and "ours." But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star. Ho-ho.
Kermit	Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody.
Fozzie	Oh, sure, sure. But, but the guest stars only get to know you. Not me. Humph!
Kermit	Yeah, but um …
Fozzie	That's right. That's right. Ha, you know, they will never know that I am a great comedian. And, and they will never know that, that my family was in show business. And and that I'm sensitive, intelligent, and - yes, I'll even say it — talented.
Kermit	Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that...
Lena 	Excuse me, um, but aren't you Fozzie Bear, the great comedian?
Fozzie	(takes off his hat) What?
Lena 	Yes. A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian.
Fozzie	Oh.
Kermit	See? There you are, Fozzie, huh?
 	
Fozzie	Wow. You mean, you actually know me?
Lena 	Listen, when you've made a name for yourself in show business, everybody knows you, so it's it's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.
Fozzie	Ah.
Kermit	Sure. Just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne.
Fozzie	Oh — Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne. Yes, she's terrific, I mean, she's great. (to Lena) Don't you?
Lena 	Yeah, I think she's terrific and great too.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she's gonna be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hm.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, uh, she is a guest. This week.
Fozzie	She — hubba- — she's a guest this week? On this show here?
Kermit	Yes. Mm-hm.
Fozzie	Oh, wow, wow. That's great. I don't wanna miss Lena Horne. (to Lena) Are you gonna stick around and see her?
Lena 	I might just do that.
Fozzie	Oh, yeah. I, uh, I didn't get your name.
Lena 	Day. Doris Day.
Fozzie	(to Kermit) Cute. Cute name. (to Lena) You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business.
Kermit	(blows his top) FOZZIE, WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE??
Fozzie	I'll wait for you outside, Miss Day. (exits)
Kermit	I'm sorry about that, Lena. Sometimes he's just un-bear-able.
Lena 	Cute. Cute joke.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef with two spoons.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them aside and displays the plate of spaghetti.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … der gøøt spåggëtt. Dis here der gøøt spåggëtt, (tastes it).
 	He displays the saucepan. The spaghetti moves off the plate.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) Cøme hëre … (mock Swedish) … de wïggly squïggly scøøp. … (mock Swedish)
 	He goes back to the saucepan. The spaghetti moves off the plate again. He directs it back, then spanks it with a wooden spoon. The spaghetti growls, then attacks him.
=="I'm Glad There Is You"==
Kermit 	And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire, and has come up with an act the likes of which has never been seen before! So let's give a big hand to the great Gonzo.
 	A fanfare plays. Gonzo runs onstage holding a balloon.
 	
Gonzo 	OK, thank you, Tonight I present a unique version of "Pop Goes the Weasel" — (hides the balloon) — uh, with a surprise ending.
 	Animal runs on stage and pops the balloon. The audience boos.
Gonzo 	Hey, it wasn't my fault! Aww, you yokels! I quit!
 	He walks offstage. The audience boos and throws things at Animal. Gonzo enters the dressing room and bangs his head on the door. Lena notices him.
Lena 	Gonzo. What's the matter?
 	
Gonzo 	Oh, gee, Miss Horne. It's really depressing. (sigh) You hear them booing out there?
Lena 	Sometimes it takes a long time for an artist to be appreciated. But — as long as one person appreciates you, you just gotta keep on trying. And as for me, I think you're fantastic.
Gonzo 	I don't know what to say.
 	Music swells up.
Lena 	Well, listen.
In this world of ordinary people,
Extraordinary people,
I'm glad there is you.
In this world of overrated pleasures,
And underrated treasures,
I'm glad there is you.
Gonzo 	
I live to love.
I love to live with you beside me.
This role so new, I'll muddle through
With you to guide me.
Lena 	
In this world where many, many play at love,
And hardly any stay in love,
I'm glad there is you.
Lena & Gonzo	
More than ever,
I'm glad there is you.
 	They hug.
Gonzo 	Thank you, Lena.
Lena 	You're great, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Aww.
 	Applause.
 	
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sits at his desk. Scooter approaches.
Scooter 	Boy, oh, boy. It sure is great being in the show business, chief.
Kermit 	Yes, Scooter, but I tell you, this isn't an easy job. Sometimes in this business you have to be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Scooter 	In what way, chief?
Kermit 	Well, I just cut Piggy's song from the show.
Scooter 	Why?
Kermit 	'Cause there's no way she could follow the great Lena Horne. She'd look ludicrous.
Scooter 	Yeah.
Kermit 	Yeah, but these are command decisions, Scooter. It's lonely at the top.
Scooter 	He's right. Yeah! I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Miss Piggy	Oh, how kind my Kermit is, not wanting me to overshadow Lena Horne.
 	
Scooter 	Oh, no, no, no. He cut your number so you wouldn't look ludicrous.
Miss Piggy	WHAT??
Scooter 	I'm sorry. You see, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Miss Piggy	Cruel? I'll show you cruel, kid. Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him.
Scooter 	Kermit never told me about this part.
Miss Piggy	Part this! Hi-YAH!
 	Another karate-chop.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
Kermit 	And now it's time for that riotous, mirthful bundle of laughs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Mwah! Mwah! Thank you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, what a fantastic audience you are! No, I mean it, I mean it! I've seen audiences come and I've seen 'em go.
Waldorf 	Well, you're seeing 'em go now, right out the door.
Statler & Waldorf	(laughing)
Fozzie 	Says you.
Waldorf 	That's right.
Fozzie 	Says you!
Waldorf 	That's right.
Fozzie 	Says you!
Statler 	Well, you better have a way out of this.
Fozzie 	I do, I do.
Waldorf 	Says you.
Fozzie 	Sezu Hayakawa.
Statler & Waldorf	Huh?
 	
Fozzie 	Sezu Hayakawa, a great Japanese actor. (takes off hat) And speaking of Japanese actors, did you know "Toshiro Mifume" means "no smoking" in Japanese? (wiggles his ears) Aaaahhh.
Statler 	Well, he's either brilliant, or that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Fozzie 	Ah, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight! I'm really cooking, I'm one rare bear! Aaahhh!
Waldorf 	You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.
Statler & Waldorf	(laughing)
Fozzie 	And now, my tribute to Marcel Marceau. An impression of a man balancing himself on one leg. Count them. One. Here we go. (balances) Thank you. No applause. Now … now, now, a man balancing himself on no legs. (falls down, then gets up) Thank you, I love you. Yes, I love you. Mwah! Oh, I could stay on forever.
Waldorf 	You stay on any longer, you'll be running into the prayer of the day.
Statler & Waldorf	(laughing)
Fozzie 	Senior citizens, one. Bear, zero. (shrugs)
==Blackout==
Lena 	Hilda, would you help me find my key to the dressing room?
Hilda 	Oh, I am so sorry, Miss Horne. My head is such a pickle. I left the iron on in the costume room. I'll be back in a jiffy.
 	Hilda exits. Animal walks by with a mallet.
Lena 	Animal. Animal, I was wondering. Would you help me find my key?
Animal	Ah. All right.
 	He whacks her on the foot. She screams.
Animal	B flat.
 	
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Let's have the monsters standing by. Monsters standing by, please.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Aren't, uh, aren't you going to be standing by, too?
Kermit 	Uh, no. Why?
Miss Piggy	Because you're the monster. What you said at the beginning of the show, about — about Lena and me. I just got it, El Greeno.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, well —
Miss Piggy	Yeah — you meant that I couldn't follow her. (growls)
Kermit 	Well, Piggy, sometimes the truth hurts.
Miss Piggy	Hurt? I'll show you hurt! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him, then stomps on him and walks off.
=="Sing"==
 	Lena is at the piano with the Muppets. Rowlf plays.
Lena	You know, there's a children's TV show that I really enjoy. Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street?
 	The Muppets nod.
Lena	Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs from that show.
 	She and the Muppets perform "Sing".
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's it for this week's madness. Hey, we'd like a special thanks for our special guest star, Miss Lena Horne! Yaaay.
Lena 	Thank you, Kermit, thank you. It was fun.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Lena 	Uh, I was listening to Piggy sing backstage.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Lena 	I think she ought to have her own spot on the show.
Kermit 	Oh, really? Well, maybe next time, we'll let her sing a song.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit! You do love me. Oh! Give your little porker a kiss on the chops.
Kermit 	O death, where is thy sting?
 	She showers Kermit with kissy-kissys. Lena laughs.
Hilda 	Eh, see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll. Waldorf dozes.
Statler 	Author! Author!
Waldorf 	Is he here?
Statler 	Hm? Who?
Waldorf 	Arthur.
Statler 	Aw, go back to sleep.
 	Waldorf dozes.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts