The Muppets Go to the Movies/transcript

==Opening==
 	
Announcer	Ladies and gentlemen, stand by for the television event of the decade!
 	A montage plays of scenes from the special, with emphasis on displayed words.
Announcer	Never before such EXCITEMENT! Never before such DANGER! Never before such PASSION! With guest star Dudley Moore! And special guest star Lily Tomlin! Look what the critics are saying…
 	
Announcer	And now, the moment you've all been waiting for …
 	Switch to a stone-carved monument with the title…
 	
Announcer	The Muffets Go to the Movies!
Kermit 	(off-screen) That's MUPPETS! The MUPPETS Go to the Movies!
Fozzie 	Huh. I never could spell.
 	He leans against the monument, and it falls over. The curtain closes.
=="Hey a Movie"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a white tux.
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome! You know, long before we Muppets were making movies of our own, we loved just watching them. So tonight, we're going to recreate some of our favorite movie moments, with the help of our very special friends, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin! (audience aahs) Yes! So now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go to the movies!
 	
 	Open on a montage of movie moments, supported by the Muppets singing "Hey a Movie".
Statler	Well, up until now, I've always been interested in moving pictures.
Waldorf	What are you interested in now?
Statler	Moving out of here!
 	They chuckle.
==The Three Musketeers==
 	Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you! It is now time for the first of tonight's film tributes!
Statler 	Too late. We're going.
 	The two geezers exit.
Fozzie 	Aha! Don't worry, folks. They'll be back. We tied elastic ropes around their ankles.
 	They spring back into their seats.
Waldorf 	Okay! We'll watch!
Statler & Waldorf	We'll watch!
Fozzie 	Thank you. So. Here's my favorite movie of all time, one of the great swashbucklers, The Three Musketeers!
 	The curtain opens on the title with a castle behind it in a picture frame.
Announcer 	The year was 1796, and three men held the future of France by a single, slender thread.
 	The Musketeers are played by Link Hogthrob, Gonzo and Scooter. Inside the castle, Link looks closely at a piece of string.
Gonzo 	Ha-ha. Here we are in the castle of the cardinal, D'Escargot.
Scooter 	(nods) Rumor has it that the cardinal will be kidnapped tonight! This must not happen.
Link Hogthrob 	And it won't, because …
 	
The three 	We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo 	Ha-ha. All for one and one for all!
Scooter 	One for all and three for a quarter.
Link Hogthrob 	♪ Quarter to three and no one in the place except you and me.
The three 	♪ So set 'em up, Joe, we got a little story you oughta know.
Gonzo 	(sneezes)
Scooter 	Wait a minute!
Gonzo 	What?
Scooter 	Can this be right?
Gonzo 	We are always right, my friend, because …
The three 	We are the Three Musketeers, ta-da! (they cross swords)
Gonzo 	Ha-ha! I'm Athos!
Scooter 	I'm Porthos!
Link Hogthrob 	I'm Gummo.
Scooter 	Gummo?
Gonzo 	A Musketeer named Gummo?
Link Hogthrob 	Sure. You like my feather? (waves it in Gonzo's face)
Gonzo 	(sneezes)
 	A masked pig sneaks in.
Gonzo 	Ah! Yonder is the kidnapper! Gentlemen, attack!
 	Scooter and Gonzo charge towards the pig, making their own soundtrack as they do so. Link just stands there and cowers as the other two fight.
Scooter 	Aha! The villain has dropped something! Perhaps it is a clue!
Link Hogthrob 	(skewers it) It is a crumpet.
Scooter 	A pumpernickel crumpet!
Gonzo 	A pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Scooter 	And furthermore, it has lumps all over it!
Gonzo 	A lumpy pumpernickel crumpet? (continues fighting)
Link Hogthrob 	Huh. A crumpy lumpernickel pumpet?
Scooter 	And in all of France, there is but one bakery that makes such a delicacy.
Gonzo 	And that bakery is?
Scooter 	Humperdinck's! (fights)
Gonzo 	Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet?
Link Hogthrob 	Egad! Humperdinck's lumpy humper-cumpel crumple-pumple?
Scooter 	And who is the man who loves Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpets beyond all things?
Others 	We don't know! Who?
Scooter 	That simple wimp, the Scarlet Pimpernel! (slides down banister) Wheeeee!
Gonzo 	Yes it is! (with Scooter) It's that simple wimp Pimpernel and his Humperdinck's lumpy pumpernickel crumpet! Ta-da!
Link Hogthrob 	Egad! It's that simple wimp Pimpernel, and his humpy humple-dumple … can we just get on with the story?
Scooter 	Good idea. For there, the dreaded Scarlet Pimpernel is making his escape!
Gonzo 	Yoikes, Porthos, thou art correct! Gummo, swing down on yon chandelier and capture yon Pimpernel!
Link Hogthrob 	Why me? I'm not the strong one.
Scooter 	No, you're the stupid one.
 	Scooter pushes Link, who swings across the hall, then crashes out the window and lands backstage on Miss Piggy. He gets up.
Beauregard 	Are you alright?
Link Hogthrob 	I'm fine, but I think I broke your sofa.
 	Piggy gets up.
Miss Piggy 	Do you know what you just did?
 	
Link Hogthrob 	Yes, I flew through the air with the greatest of ease.
Miss Piggy 	(grumbles)
Link Hogthrob 	The audience loved it. They wanted an encore.
Miss Piggy 	Well. Let us not disappoint them.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
Miss Piggy 	(karate-chops him away) Hi-YAH!
==Invasion...==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	Some people believe in UFOs, or in other words …
 	PLOP! Link lands on Kermit, then gets up, dazed.
Kermit 	… unidentified falling objects. But now, Dudley Moore and Lily Tomlin in a UFO movie! (shoves Link) Get off, off …
 	
 	The curtain opens on a title: "Invasion of the Unpleasant Things from Outer Space". A helicopter flies by the window of an air force base. Dudley plays a colonel, whose mock Japanese dialogue is translated on-screen. He shouts into a walkie-talkie.
Dudley 	(translated text) This is Colonel O'Malley of the United States Air Force. Can you hear me?
 	Lily enters, her English dialogue translated into Japanese on-screen.
Lily 	Oh — I hear you, sir. I brought your sushi burger, Colonel O'Malley.
Dudley 	(translated text) Rats!
Lily 	Rats? No, no, I ordered tuna, as you told me.
Dudley 	(translated text) No — giant rats! From Outer Space!
 	She looks out the window and sees a pair of giant rats.
Lily 	Oh no. Oh, we're doomed! (hugs him) Oh, we're doomed! Do something, for Pete's sake! (whispers) "Pete's sake?"
 	
Dudley 	(translated text) Miss Trenton … Jean. There is something I must tell you.
Lily 	Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir. I'm sorry, um …
Dudley 	(translated text) I wish I had opened my heart to you before now but … I love you, can't you see? Totally. Helplessly. What a fool I've been, the precious moments I've wasted — I love you, Jean. Love you. Yes, I loved you then and I love you now. ("Tora! Tora! Tora!") I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Lily 	Oh, but sir, I —
Rizzo 	Three billion light years for this? (on-screen translation: "Squeak. Squeak — squeak")
 	The rats leave. Dudley embraces Lily and gives a long speech, which scrolls by faster than she, or the viewer, can read it.
Dudley 	(translated scrolling text) I've loved before. But this is different. This is so real. So precious. And when I look into my heart, I know. I know that this is the real thing. A love that will transcend time and space. A love that will last till the end of time. Which may be very soon now. I know I should have told you. But marriage with me is not what you want. You need an older man. Someone more mature than me. That's why I hid my love away. That and the sumo wrestler I saw you with at the Christmas dance. But now the world is ending. Humanity will be annihilated. Tell me. Do you love me too. Can I die happy. Please. Speak your love. Say something to give me hope.
Lily 	But I don't — I — the rats have gone, sir.
 	They embrace.
Dudley 	(in English) Oh! It's a miracle. How did it happen?
Lily 	(in Japanese, translated) How should I know? I was reading.
Statler	I hate foreign films with subtitles.
Waldorf	Well, it's worse when they dub 'em into English.
Statler	Why?
Waldorf	(off-sync) Because the lip movements never match up with the words that you're hearing.
==The Wizard of Oz==
 	Main stage. Janice enters to a fanfare.
Janice 	Hi. I'd like to introduce my favorite flick of all time, The Wizard of Oz. Fer sure. I love Oz. I may move there. Rully. Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by —
Miss Piggy	(off-screen) I'm not ready!
Janice 	Uh, no problem! Tonight, the part of Dorothy is played by ME!
Miss Piggy	(off-screen) I'm ready!
Janice 	Oh, bummer. (sigh) Anyway, we're off to see the wizard! Hasta la bye-bye!
 	She exits. The curtain opens on Kansas. Piggy (Dorothy) carries Foo-Foo (Toto) in a basket and sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Rowlf interrupts her.
Rowlf 	Psst. Hey.
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Rowlf 	You're in black and white.
Miss Piggy	I'm supposed to be in black and white. The color comes in a minute.
Rowlf 	Oh. (to camera) Don't adjust your sets, folks!
 	Foo-Foo barks at him.
Miss Piggy	Twit! Get away, get away!
Rowlf 	Yeah, yeah, see ya later …
Miss Piggy	It's alright, it's alright, Foo-Foo.
 	She puts the basket down and continues the song. Foo-Foo gets out of the basket and follows her.
Rowlf 	Hey! Cue the color!
 	
 	The screen fades from B&W to color. Scooter enters as the scarecrow, Gonzo as the Tin Man, and Fozzie as the lion, singing "If I Only Had …" and "We're Off to See the Wizard".
Waldorf 	I'd follow the yellow brick road.
Statler 	Why?
Waldorf 	It'd get me out of this theater.
 	They chuckle.
==Fool of the Roman Empire==
 	Main stage. Gonzo enters to a fanfare.
Gonzo 	Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see the great Dudley Moore, in a colossal widescreen Roman epic! Lions attack innocent people. Slaves suffer public humiliation. Gladiators fight to the death. I've never laughed so much in all my life. (nods) Roll film!
 	The curtain opens on the "Metro Goldwyn BEAR" logo, with Fozzie as the lion.
Fozzie 	Aaahh.
 	
 	Fade to a title: "The Fool of the Roman Empire". Switch back to Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Sorry. (walks off)
 	Fade to the opening scene. A horn fanfare is played as Scooter enters among a crowd of pig gladiators.
Scooter 	People of Rome! Make way for the great Caesar! All hail Caesar!
 	Dudley (Caesar) enters to applause and a fanfare. One horn player extends his fanfare unnecessarily.
Dudley 	Finished?
Hornblower (DG)	(out of breath) Yeah.
Scooter 	All hail Caesar!
Crowd 	All hail great Caesar!
Dudley 	All hail!
Scooter 	Uh, would great Caesar like a new toga?
Dudley 	Are you kidding? I wouldn't be seen dead driving one of those cheap Japanese cars.
 	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
 	
Dudley 	Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears …
Pig (JN) 	What'd you do with the ones we lent you last week?
Dudley 	I stuck them on my chariot.
Pig (JN) 	Why?
Dudley 	Because they're chariot ears.
 	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley 	Jolly good. Uh, ahem. Bring me my piano.
Pig (JN) 	Bring great Caesar's piano!
 	A group of other Muppets drag the piano over.
Dudley 	Do you know why they call me great Caesar?
Scooter 	Well — 'cause great Dudley would sound silly?
 	Scooter and the gladiators laugh.
Dudley 	You fool. No, because I provide my own background music.
 	Scooter and the gladiators laugh. Dudley sits at the piano and plays "Pomp and Circumstance".
Dudley 	Great empires have their ups and downs.
Others 	(murmuring in agreement)
Dudley 	But we won't be down for long.
Others 	No!
Dudley 	No. The name of Caesar will endure forever.
Others 	Yeah!
Dudley 	My salads will conquer the world!
Others 	(cheering)
Dudley 	So, let there be celebrations in the streets …
Others 	(cheering)
Dudley 	… and joy be unconfined …
Others 	(cheering)
Dudley 	… let the chariot race BEGIN!!
Others 	(cheering)
Pig (JH) 	And they're off!
 	A pistol is fired, and the race begins as Dudley plays jazz piano. Lew Zealand and his shark get a head start, leaving Gonzo and his chicken behind, as well as Beauregard and his rats.
Lew Zealand 	We, who are about to die, salute you!
Dudley 	Nicely put!
Gonzo 	I may not die, but I hope to be badly injured!
Dudley 	(laughs) Break a leg!
 	Gonzo takes the lead.
Gonzo 	G'bye, Lew — BEAUREGARD!!
Lew Zealand 	Chew 'im up!
Dudley 	He's taking out the garbage!
Beauregard 	Yeah! I'm taking it out for a ride!
 	Dudley picks up the tempo.
Dudley 	(pauses playing) Don't worry, they haven't finished yet!
 	The three racers crash into each other as Dudley finishes. Applause.
Dudley 	Well, look at this now… (stands up) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. (gives thumbs down, waves) Thank you.
Waldorf 	Ehh. That wasn't much of a spectacle.
Statler 	Wasn't even a monocle.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Romans pass Kermit.
Kermit 	Very good, men! Great tribute to the Roman epic.
Rizzo 	Oh yeah? Well, it's an insult to rats!
Kermit 	Why?
Rizzo 	Well, rats aren't beasts of burden. We're creatures of genius.
Kermit 	Really? Name one rat genius.
Rizzo 	Frank Lloyd Rat.
Kermit 	Mesh.
Rizzo 	But you can make it up to us by letting us do our rat production number.
Rat (JN) 	Yeah! A big white set! Crystal chandeliers!
Rat (DG) 	Circular staircases!
 	
Rat (RH) 	Glitter! Glamor!
Rats 	And rats! (start singing "Top Hat")
Kermit 	Okay, hold, wait wait wait wait — hold on there! Listen, we've already done a number like that.
Rat (RH) 	We did?
Rizzo 	What?
Kermit 	Sure, listen — in our new movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Miss Piggy does a production number called "The First Time".
Rizzo 	I haven't seen it.
Kermit 	You will.
Rats 	We will?
 	They watch a clip from the movie - an excerpt of "The First Time it Happens".
 	
 	Applause. Kermit looks from the wings. Lily comes downstairs.
Kermit 	Oh. Hi, Lily. Hey, you're on in a second.
Lily 	I know, uh … Kermit, I'm glad that I've found you here. I wanted to tell you something if I could.
Kermit 	Oh, sure. What's that?
Lily 	I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because, um … well, I know you are Miss Piggy's guy.
Kermit 	Well, you may know it and she may know it, but the vote's not in from the frog.
Lily 	Oh. Well, in that case, um … I've been wanting to let you know that I think you are very, very attractive. (sigh)
Kermit 	Oh, wow. Well, I guess it's like a mutual admiration society, then, because I think, ever since I first laid eyes on you, I thought that, uh …
 	
 	They hear Piggy humming behind them and immediately freeze.
Kermit 	… uh, that you're the perfect person to introduce the horror movie. Ahem.
Lily 	What kind of compliment is that?
Kermit 	Pig alert. Pig alert.
Lily 	(sees Piggy) Oh, yes, and I know exactly what I'm going to do with the introduction, um, Kermit. I've been working on it.
Kermit 	Uh, well, uh, uh, good luck with it then.
Lily 	Okay, and uh, listen, thanks for saying that I could do the horror movie introduction. That was very sweet of you.
 	She kisses him and goes onstage. Piggy walks up to him.
Kermit 	Uh…
Miss Piggy	You never tell ME I can introduce a horror movie.
==Nephew of Frankenstein==
 	
Lily 	I don't know why, but they've asked me to come out and introduce the Muppets' tribute to horror movies. I mean, me of all people? It's almost ridiculous, because, well, I've always, quite frankly, I've hated those tacky horror movies.
 	A thunderclap is heard, as the lights go dim and a green light shines on her.
Lily 	I mean, I think they're almost laugh — laughable, with their — those cheap lighting effects and things.
 	Monsters rise among her.
 	
Lily 	And those uh, unbelievable monsters? I mean, some of the things that … like, uh … that I've seen created, are, uh … they're really … they're almost … oh, help …
 	She suffocates and faints. The monsters laugh. Fade to black.
 	
 	Open on a title: "J. Arthur Link presents". Link bangs a gong with his head. Fade to a title: "Nephew of Frankenstein". Fozzie walks up to a creaky wooden castle door.
Fozzie 	Boy. What a spooky place. I hope my uncle isn't some kind of a weirdo.
 	He pulls a chain, and a series of spooky sounds is heard.
Fozzie 	Well, so far he seems normal.
 	The door opens, and Dr. Strangepork emerges.
Strangepork 	Ah, nephew. Come in. Heh heh heh. (Fozzie follows him inside) Yes. Nice to see you.
Fozzie 	Wha-ha-ha? (looks around) Hey. This is cute. What does it do?
Strangepork 	My work here is nothing less than … (dramatic sting) … the secret of life itself. (dramatic sting)
Fozzie 	Wow.
Strangepork 	And also a coffee that doesn't taste bitter.
 	Fozzie notices Mulch on a stretcher.
Fozzie 	Oh, look! You have a roommate! Aha! Hello! (taps him) Hello??
Strangepork 	Uh, it's just somebody I'm working on — uh — I mean, working with.
Fozzie 	Oh. Ah.
 	He leads Fozzie to a chair and sits him down.
Strangepork 	But come, nephew. You must be tired. Sit down, relax in this chair with the wrist straps. Heh heh.
Fozzie 	Wha?
Strangepork 	I hope I remembered to plug it in. (hums)
Fozzie 	Uh, uh, uncle, uh, don't go to any trouble on my account. I'm family. Heh. What's that?
 	
 	A metal cap is lowered onto Fozzie's head.
Fozzie 	Oh. It's one of those.
Strangepork 	You said in your letter that you're the funniest bear in the world.
Fozzie 	Did I remember to tell you that?
Strangepork 	Yep. When I throw this switch … we are going to perform the world's first joke transplant! Heh heh heh! Okay —
 	He pulls the switch, and Fozzie gets electrocuted.
Fozzie 	Wha — hold it, uh, couldn't we talk about this just a — (screams)
Strangepork 	Think of funny stuff — NOW!
Fozzie 	Uh, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
 	The cap explodes. Mulch rises from the slab.
 	
Mulch 	Hot cross bunnies.
 	A hole blows up in the screen. Kermit peeks through it.
Fozzie 	Help!
Kermit 	You just blew a hole in the movie screen! Call the fire department!
 	Sirens sound. Strangepork and Fozzie panic.
Strangepork 	Help! Help!
Fozzie 	Help!
Fireman (DG)	Sorry! There's nothin' we can do!
Kermit 	Why not?
Fireman (DG)	Well, they're back in the 19th century! Our hoses won't reach! (giggles)
Fozzie 	Kermit, what'll we do now?
Kermit 	What else? A-ba-dee, a-ba-dee, that's all, folks!
 	
 	Fade to a spoof of the Merrie Melodies end title — "That's Awful Folks".
==Backstage==
 	As the firemen rush onstage, Beauregard wheels another screen onstage.
Scooter 	Beauregard!
Fireman (JN)	Get the ladder! Get the fire chief!
 	
Scooter 	Oh, Rowlf — it's time for your silent movie piece.
Rowlf 	Yeah, but they just blew a hole in the movie screen.
Scooter 	Well, it's okay. We've got another one. But it's a tacky old screen.
Rowlf 	Oh, that's okay, it's only a tacky old movie. (goes onstage)
==Tribute to the Silent Era==
 	Main stage. Rowlf enters to a fanfare and sits at a piano.
Rowlf 	Thank you. Thank you. And now —
 	He hears some rattling behind the curtain.
Beauregard	Sorry. I'm fixing the screen back here.
Rowlf 	Open the curtain!
 	The curtain opens. Beauregard runs offstage. Rowlf sits at the piano.
Rowlf 	Roll film. (begins playing) And now, the Sheik, in Eastern Promise.
 	In the film, Kermit appears as "the Sheik" in a desert setting with Sopwith the Camel. He says …
 	
 	He walks over to a femininely dressed figure and kisses it.
 	
 	The figure is revealed to be Mulch.
Mulch 	"Hot cross bunnies" — I just got it! (laughs)
 	
Rowlf 	And so, the talkies were born.
 	He finishes playing. Applause. Fade to the title card.
 	
	
	Applause.
==Silent Strawberries==
 	Main stage. Sam the Eagle stands in front of a fancy curtain as a fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Ahem. Good evening. Ahem. We are about to see the latest work of that great Scandinavian director, Ingmar Bergman.
Floyd 	Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm?
Floyd 	They sent the wrong film. This one isn't by Ingmar Bergman.
 	
Sam the Eagle	(gasp) That's terrible!
Floyd 	No, it's okay. It's by his brother, Gummo.
Sam the Eagle	… Gummo Bergman?
Floyd 	Oh, good. You've heard of him.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, uh … of course. Ahem.
Floyd 	Well, uh, here's the script. (hands it to him and exits)
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes, thank you very much. Ahem. Go away. And — and now, and now, ahem — because the film is not in English, I shall translate. Ahem. And now, Gummo Bergman's Silent Strawberries.
 	
 	The curtain opens on a screen, where the B&W movie is projected. The Swedish Chef walks through a garden, carrying a pot and holding it in front of his face.
Swedish Chef 	(narrating in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	The narration says: "In my dream, I walked in the garden of my grandfather, as I did in childhood."
Swedish Chef 	(gasp!) — (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"Suddenly, a serious figure appeared."
 	
 	The angel of death — Beaker — appears. The Chef trembles.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Sam the Eagle	He says, "I am the angel of death."
 	
Swedish Chef 	(mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"But I am not ready to die."
Beaker 	(meeps)
Sam the Eagle	"Ah. Well, if you do not wish death, how about a rubber chicken?"
 	Sam looks shocked. The Chef accepts the chicken.
Swedish Chef 	(mock Swedish) — der chïckëe! (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	Uh, uh, uh, uh, "Swell. I'll work up an act and join a traveling show. Here comes one now—"?
 	A showman — Kermit — appears.
 	
Kermit 	(mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	"Hey-ho, Olaf the Frog here, with another great show for you" — this is not right!
 	Enter Fozzie.
 	
Fozzie 	Aaah. (tells a joke in mock Swedish) … snøögå møët-bålls! Aaah!
Swedish Chef 	(laughs)
Sam the Eagle	"What do you get when you add sugar to hamburger — sweetish meatballs." What is going on?
Fozzie 	Aaah. Drüskå, drüskå, drüskå.
Sam the Eagle	… "Wocka wocka wocka."
Kermit 	(mock Swedish) — de müsïk nümbêr.
 	
 	They sing "Hooray for Hollywood" in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle	What — hold! Who did this to me? That does it! (tosses the book) Who did this? I want no part of this! That's it!
 	Sam exits. The cast continues singing in mock Swedish. Sam comes back.
Sam the Eagle	Stop it right — Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! (exits)
 	The screen reads "DU ENDE". The curtain closes.
Sam the Eagle	"The end". Yuchh! (exits)
Waldorf 	I don't believe in all that "angel of death" nonsense.
Statler 	Well, then don't look over your shoulder.
Waldorf 	Oh, you can't fool me with that one.
Whatnot (LG) 	(appears behind him) Popcorn?
 	Waldorf, startled, falls out of the balcony. Statler laughs.
Statler 	Just one, thanks. (laughs)
==Casablanca==
 	Kermit and Piggy stand in front of an airplane.
Announcer	A tribute to Casablanca.
Kermit 	Last night, we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to just one thing.
 	Piggy's hat blows off as the wind gets stronger. Kermit raises his voice as the plane's motor gets louder.
Kermit 	(cont'd) You're getting on that plane with Victor, where you belong. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life!
 	
Kermit 	(cont'd) LOOK — I'M NOT GOOD AT BEING NOBLE, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE THAT THE PROBLEMS OF THREE LITTLE PEOPLE WON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD! SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT!
 	The wind blows Piggy away.
Kermit 	HERE'S LOOKING FOR YOU, KID!
=="Act Naturally"==
	
	Backstage, Beauregard and Gaffer watch as Floyd and Janice perform "Act Naturally".
==Small in the Saddle==
 	A fanfare plays as Dudley stands onstage.
 	
Dudley 	Motion pictures have always meant entertainment. But there are those few rare examples of the filmmaker's craft that transcend the norm and cross over into the world of art. Of this more profound genre, I favor most the work of the French directors, the great French directors — subtle, enigmatic, sophisticated. That is why I have asked the Muppets to leave well enough alone, and do instead their tasteless tribute to the Western.
 	
 	The curtain raises, revealing the logo "A Tantamount Picture". A fly lands on the screen, and is immediately swatted with a swatter. Fade to a title: "Small in the Saddle".
 	Two Whatnot cowboys ride together on horses.
Cowboy (JN)	Think we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
 	Two Whatnot bandits ride cows.
Bandit (SW)	They're gainin' on us, Joe!
Bandit (DG)	Well, they ain't a-got us yet, Jeb boy! And if'n I die, I'm a-gonna die with my boots on.
Bandit (SW)	You ain't got time to stop and change your shoes now!
 	He fires at the two cowboys.
Cowboy (RH)	I say, we don't seem to be gettin' any closer.
Cowboy (JN)	Well, the preacher man says that if you wanna get close to people, you gotta try community singin'!
Horse 1 	I don't believe this!
Horse 2 	They're going to sing!
 	The cowboys and bandits sing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe".
Cowboy (JN)	Hey, we're gainin' on him, Sheriff!
 	It's revealed that the bandits are behind them, not in front of them. Lew Zealand rows by in a rowboat.
Cowboy (RH)	Whoa! Hey — we've been doin' this wrong!
Voice 	Now THAT's wrong!
 	
 	They all fire their pistols and holler. Applause. A cow appears next to Statler.
Statler 	Say, Waldorf, were some of those horses cows?
Cow 	(Waldorf's voice) No, I don't think so. (laughs, licks Statler)
==Tarzan and Jane==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lily Tomlin, starring in Tarzan and Jane! She plays Jane.
 	The curtain opens on a jungle setting.
Lily 	(gasp) Can I believe my eyes? A he-man with rippling muscles, come to carry me off to his jungle abode.
 	A yell is heard. Tarzan swings on a vine, and turns out to be … Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Lily 	Forget it.
 	She pulls the vine down, and it retracts, yanking Gonzo away from her.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and some penguins watch from backstage.
Kermit 	Oh, that's a great stunt.
 	He looks at the rundown, then notices Beauregard.
Kermit 	Oh — Beauregard, next up is your tribute to the Hollywood stuntmen.
Beauregard	Oh, you mean that part of the movie where I did that real car driving?
Kermit 	Uh — yeah. Mm-hm.
Beauregard	Oh, goody goody! I'll go watch me. (leaves)
Kermit 	Uh, Beauregard?
Beauregard	Yes?
Kermit 	Uh, Beauregard, the screen is that way.
Beauregard	Oh. Sorry. I never did have a very good sense of direction. (goes onstage)
Kermit 	You can tell that by watching the movie.
 	Another clip from the movie is played, in which Beauregard drives Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo back to the Happiness Hotel.
=="Heat Wave"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a song made famous by the legendary Marilyn Monroe, performed tonight by my favorite pig singer, and her penguins!
 	
 	"Heat Wave," from Irving Berlin's musical As Thousands Cheer, is sung by Miss Piggy, backed by the penguins, where it snows in the end.
==Backstage==
 	The penguins come backstage, followed by Piggy.
Kermit 	Okay! Nice going, penguins. Yes. (imitates their noises) Yes, right. Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you were sensational in that.
Miss Piggy	I think I got frostbite from the finale.
 	Two laughing penguins go by.
Kermit 	Uh — yeah. Listen, don't let that worry you. You were great.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh! What a sweet thing to say. But I would like people to see what a great singer and dancer my little Kermie-kins is.
Kermit 	Oh, well, I dunno, what would I do?
Miss Piggy	Well — the Fred Astaire tribute you did in The Great Muppet Caper?
Kermit 	Uh, no — I think I'll wait and let people see that in the theater.
Miss Piggy	Oh, why wait? Ahem — roll film!
 	200px
 	Another clip from the movie is played, from "Steppin' Out with a Star". Applause.
Statler 	You ever seen my tap-dance routine?
Waldorf 	No.
 	Statler reveals a water tap and makes it dance.
Statler 	(scatting)
Waldorf 	Statler?
Statler 	Huh?
 	Waldorf punches him in the face and laughs.
==Goon With the Wind==
 	
 	Piggy (as Scarlett) lies in Dudley's (Rhett) arms as buildings burn behind them.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh)
Dudley 	Scarlett …
Miss Piggy 	Rhett …
Dudley 	… this is the end.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Already?
Dudley 	Our world lies in ruins, burning on the horizon.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Rhett — I have a heavy heart tonight.
 	Dudley tries not to lose his grip.
Dudley 	You're telling me!
Miss Piggy 	(grunts) — Oh … and yet, our love burns brighter than the city of Atlanta.
Dudley 	Our love is like a beacon — a flame that you have kindled in my heart.
Miss Piggy 	(drawls) An all-consuming passion, fanned by desire into a raging inferno of romance!
Dudley 	Scarlett, who could put out a fire like that?
Firemen 	We can!
 	Dudley drops Piggy as the firemen rush on the scene and spray their hoses.
Fireman (DG)	Uh, 'scuse me, buddy — you dropped your pig.
Miss Piggy 	(gets up, grunting) Oh, rats!
Dudley 	Uh — it's … it's "Rhett" actually. Rhett Butler, not "Rats Butler".
 	The firemen spray in all directions, even hitting the camera.
Dudley 	Uh, excuse me …
Miss Piggy 	Will you quit — what are you doing? Will you knock it off?? KERMIT!!
Statler 	That was a wonderful number!
Waldorf 	Yes, let's give 'em three big cheers!
 	Three chairs are thrown at them.
Both 	That's "cheers"! Not "chairs"!
==A Frog Too Far / Finale==
 	Main stage. Lew Zealand enters.
Lew Zealand	Next on the show is my very favorite kind of motion picture. And here's our special guest star, Lily Tomlin, in a war movie! (laughs)
 	
 	Open on a canteen, where a trio of female frogs sing "Apple Blossom Time" as a band plays. Piggy works as a waitress, waiting on tables for service frogs.
Kermit 	(narrating) It was 1943. We had come a long way from Pearl Harbor and had a long way to go to D-Day. I was in England, waiting for orders, killing time at a USO club.
 	Piggy approaches him at a table and smacks her lips.
Miss Piggy 	Can I get you anything else, soldier?
Kermit 	Yeah. Bring me another grasshopper. Oh, and a root beer to go with it. Those grasshoppers are pretty salty.
 	Piggy laughs and saunters away, still hoping to be noticed.
Kermit 	(narrating) Frankly, I had gone to the USO club that night because I was lonely. I just had that feeling, maybe I'd get lucky. Maybe I'd meet Miss Right. The girl of my dreams. But I didn't see a soul.
 	Piggy growls and storms off.
Kermit 	(narrating) As I sat there, listening to the music, I got to thinking of home, and the girl I'd left behind.
 	Fade to a flashback of Kermit and Lily at a train station.
 	
Lily 	Oh, Kermit, not today. You just can't be leaving today.
Kermit 	I'm afraid so, Francine. They're shipping me out. England.
Lily 	Oh, gee whiz. This gosh-awful war is just ruining everything.
Kermit 	It won't be long, honey. We'll win this war, and then I'll be home, and then, well, you know.
Lily 	Golly me. We'll be married.
Kermit 	That's right, Francine.
Lily 	(embraces him) We'll be Kermit and Francine the Frog.
Kermit 	But first — but first I gotta fly some planes for Uncle Sam.
Lily 	Oh, my brave, brave soldier. (embraces him again) Oh, Kermit …
Kermit 	Hmm?
Lily 	… war is heck.
 	Fade to another scene of Kermit in a plane with the emblem "The Flying Frogs".
 	
Kermit 	(narrating) And so I said goodbye to Francine and went out to do the dirty job that had to be done.
Kermit 	(gasp) Bandits at 12:00!
Voice 	(over intercom) But it's already quarter past three!
Kermit 	No, no, bandits at 12:00!
Voice 	(over intercom) Okay. Lunch!
 	Kermit grimaces. Machine gun fire is heard. Fade to an aircraft hangar, with Lily playing a female mechanic.
Lily 	Well, your plane's ready to fly, ace. (slaps him) I just ripped that there crate's engines down and put 'em back the way they oughta be.
 	
Kermit 	Gee, a lady mechanic.
Lily 	You betcha, buster. You've heard of Rosie the Riveter. Well, meet Gloria the Greasemonkey-ess. (tightens his scarf)
Kermit 	Hi, Gloria. I'm Kermit the Frog.
Lily 	Well, hubba-hubba, you are some kinda cute stuff, flyboy. (pinches his cheek)
Kermit 	Heh-heh, yeah …
Lily 	I'm pleased to meetcha. (vigorously shakes his hand)
Kermit 	Oh — well — I'm pleased to meet you too, Gloria. Uh, hey, listen, I have a — I have a mission to fly, but when I get back, maybe I could buy you a root beer.
Lily 	Well, I'd love it. We could play the jukebox and cut a rug …
Kermit 	Yeah? Whoaaaa…
 	
Lily 	Oh, I love root beer, it greases my gears. Gets the old transmission turnin'.
Kermit 	(yelps)
Lily 	Oh, that was fun.
Kermit 	(giggles) Oh, you're really something, Gloria.
Lily 	I could get a case of the Andy Hardys over you.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Lily 	Did anybody ever tell you, you got eyes like ping-pong balls floating in green motor oil.
Kermit 	Yeah. Contact.
 	She kisses him as we dissolve to another scene of Kermit going down in the plane.
Kermit 	(narrating) But I never saw Gloria again. The next mission was the one I didn't walk away from.
 	
Kermit 	Francine was right. War IS heck!
 	Dissolve to another scene: the hospital. Lily plays a British nurse at Kermit's aid.
Kermit 	(narrating) After that, I blacked out. And when I woke up …
Lily 	(removes thermometer) Splendid.
Kermit 	It's no use. I can't remember a thing.
Lily 	Oh, no, you mustn't say that.
Kermit 	Mustn't say what? I told you I can't remember a thing.
 	
Lily 	No, amnesia's often temporary. You can remember, and you will.
Kermit 	But I don't even know my own name.
Lily 	Here, let me help you. Your hand — look at it. What color is it?
Kermit 	Why … it's green.
Lily 	Yes. Yes.
Kermit 	I'm … I'm an avocado!
Lily 	No, no, no. Here, your foot. Tickle tickle tickle.
Kermit 	(laughs)
Lily 	Look at it.
Kermit 	Yes, it's — it's flipper-shaped.
Lily 	It is.
Kermit 	I'm an avocado with flippers.
Lily 	Oh, no, no, you must think harder. You must think. Think …
Kermit 	Uh … well … I'm … I'm a frog. I'm a frog. I'm Kermit the Frog! I remember!
Lily 	Oh, I knew you would! I told you you'd remember!
Kermit 	Yes, but it was you! All those weeks, nursing me back to health …
Lily 	It was really just my job.
Kermit 	You know, you're really very beautiful.
Lily 	Thanks so very.
Kermit 	Would you marry me?
Lily 	Oh, I'm afraid not.
Kermit 	But why not?
Lily 	You see, I'm a nun.
 	She reveals rosary beads. Fade back to the canteen.
Kermit 	(narrating) So there I was, in 1943, a long way from Pearl Harbor and a long way to D-Day. Alone and lonely. And then suddenly, I saw her.
 	Piggy appears before him, and he lightens up.
Kermit 	(narrating) There she was, like a dream, like a vision! Just as I had always hoped she'd be!
 	
Kermit 	My darling!
 	He runs past Piggy, and into Francine's arms.
Kermit 	Francine!!
Lily 	(salutes) That's Corporal Francine to you, Private … darling.
Kermit 	Oh, wow! Waitress — grasshoppers for everybody!
 	Everyone cheers except Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Hey, wait a minute — hold it, hold it. Hey — what about me?
Lily 	Oh, you can have grasshoppers too.
 	
 	Everyone cheers except Piggy. They all launch into a rendition of "We'll Meet Again", accompanied by Dudley and all the Muppets from the previous segments. The theater doors close, and the marquee sign is shown. Applause.
==Credits (UK)==
 	Kermit opens the stage door as the Muppets exit one by one.
Kermit 	Okay, everybody out. Locking up. Locking up. Nice show, Floyd. … Everybody out, guys.
Gonzo 	Here comes the bus.
Kermit 	Good show, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy	Well, it was too something for them. Heh heh.
Kermit 	Yeah, okay.
Miss Piggy	Shall we go, dear?
Kermit 	Yeah, let me just lock up the doors here.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm.
Kermit 	Locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy	Will you walk me to the tube?
Kermit 	Oh, sure.
Miss Piggy	I love to walk to the tube.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	I'll race you! (giggles)
 	They start running. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily 	Help!!
Dudley 	The door's locked!
Lily 	Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
Dudley 	Help!
 	Fade to black.
==Credits (US)==
 	Kermit opens the stage door and watches the Muppets exit one by one.
Fozzie 	Hmm. I think "hot cross bunnies" was too hip for 'em.
Miss Piggy	Well, it was too something for them.
Kermit 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	Shall we go, dear?
Kermit 	Okay, let me just lock up here. Everybody out! We're locking up! (closes the doors)
Miss Piggy	Kermie?
Kermit 	Just a second … hmm?
Miss Piggy	Why did you put the penguins in the "Heat Wave" number?
Kermit 	Uh … I dunno. They — they made you look good, uh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Made me look good.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
 	They walk away. Meanwhile, Lily and Dudley try to budge the doors from inside.
Lily 	Help!!
Dudley 	The door's locked!
Lily 	Help us! … We should've left when we could have.
 	Fade to black.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Transcripts