Episode 517: Hal Linden/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 517: Hal Linden.
==Cold open==
Pops	Bill? Bill who? Bill Collector? Never heard of him!
Hal 	Hi, good evening.
Pops	Hey, who are you?
Hal 	I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.
Pops	Hal Linden. Hey, aren't you a cop?
Hal 	No, no. I, well I play a cop on TV. Barney Miller.
Pops	Soon as you said the name, hit me like a ton of bricks.
Hal 	What name?
Pops	Barney Miller!
 	bricks fall on Pops' head
Hal 	Nice bit of visual comedy you've got there. Don't let it go to your head, huh?
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Hal Linden! Yaay!
 	"The Muppet Show Theme"
==Opening number==
Kermit 	Hi there, and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Fozzie 	So, this is what it's like up here, huh? Boy. Hi!
Kermit 	Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who usually sit up here have—
Fozzie 	Died.
Kermit 	Fozzie, they have not.
Fozzie 	Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, no. Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a better show than I could.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Kermit 	So, tonight they're getting their chance.
Fozzie 	That's right. They are gonna be down there hosting the show and we are gonna be up here watching them.
Kermit 	Right.
Fozzie 	Ha, ha!
Kermit 	But! But before I turn the show over to 'em, I'd just like to say that our special guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. Hal Linden!
Audience 	gasps
Fozzie 	He's very good! Yeah!
Kermit 	Right. So, without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight, Statler and Waldorf! Yaay!
Fozzie 	Boo! Boo!
Waldorf 	Thank you for that introduction. It was very—
Statler 	Long.
Waldorf 	Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow.
Hal 	Uh, excuse me, uh...
Statler 	Hey, it's our guest star Hal Linden!
Statler and Waldorf	Yaay!
Hal 	...to bother you, I'm looking for, uh, Kermit?
Waldorf 	Yes, well you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there.
Hal 	Oh. Hi, Kermit!
Kermit 	Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.
Fozzie 	Hey Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me? Hey Hal, hi, it's me!
Hal 	Oh, hi Rowlf!
Fozzie 	Rowlf? I'm not Rowlf!
Hal 	Oh. Isn't that the dog that plays piano?
Statler 	No, no. That's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage.
Hal 	Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Uh... Rowlf. Ha. Name's Rowlf. Start piano lessons tomorrow.
Statler 	Trust us Hal. This show will be good for your career. Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts.
Hal 	Such as?
Waldorf 	Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this.
Hal 	Geri and the Atrics?
Statler and Waldorf	Yaaay!
 	"Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)"
Kermit 	Wow, great! Wonderful! That was a terrific act.
Fozzie 	Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the kind of act you would have booked.
Kermit 	Maybe they made a mistake.
==Backstage==
Waldorf 	We made a terrible mistake!
Statler 	Ugh. That act was so bad, the frog could have booked it.
Waldorf 	I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg tunes.
Tambourine Player	Aw, get with it, you turkey! We're what's happening.
Guitar Player 	Next week we're appearing in the Boom Boom Room.
Tambourine Player	Yeah, and you guys look like you hang out at the Wheeze Wheeze Lounge.
Gonzo 	I'm ready for my Mozart number.
Waldorf 	What, a pineapple in a Mozart number?
Gonzo 	Yeah, my watermellon's at the cleaners.
Waldorf 	Gonzo, your act has been cancelled.
Gonzo 	gasp, what?
Statler 	Yeah, but don't take it too badly. Everybody's act has been cancelled.
Waldorf 	Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but bright, new faces!
Statler 	Nothing but class and culture.
Gonzo 	Like what?
Statler 	Like the Berlin National Opera Company.
Gonzo 	Oh. I wonder if they'd like to rent my pineapple.
=="Drinking Song"==
Waldorf	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here to perform the first act finale from Siegfried is one of the world's great musical companies.
Pig 	Excuse me little blue person.
Gonzo 	Yes?
Pig 	The Berlin National Opera Company couldn't make it, so they sent us.
Gonzo 	Who are you?
Pig 	We are The Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.
Statler	So, here they are, the Berlin National Opera Company.
 	"Drinking Song"
Gonzo 	Boy, if they're gonna book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance.
Statler	Oh, no! We've been sabotaged.
Waldorf	Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and I'll try to find an act to send on stage.
Statler	Right. Beauregard!
==Backstage==
Link 	Oh, we have been cancelled. Do you realize that we've been cancelled? Oh, no! We have been ca-a-ancel-el-el-ed.
Piggy 	Will you try and act like a grown-up? It's only for one show.
Hal 	Oh, uh, Link?
Link 	Whoah, hi Hal!
Hal 	Uh... Listen, uh. I feel a little strange with, uh, Kermit not in charge. Is everything, uh, you know, going all right?
Link 	Oh sure, yeah. So, we have been cancelled though.
Hal 	Cancelled?
Link 	Yes, we've all been cancelled.
Hal 	All?
Link 	Mm-hmm.
Hal 	Everybody cancelled?
Link 	Mm-hmm.
Hal 	Just like that, cancelled? I'm all set to do a number, you tell me we're cancelled?
Link 	Hal! Hal, try to act like a grown-up. After all, it's only for one show.
Waldorf 	Oh, Hal! Quick, get on stage!
Hal 	On stage? I thought I was cancelled.
Waldorf 	Of course not. You're on next!
Hal 	Alright, on stage.
Statler 	Stay off that stage!
Waldorf 	He's gotta go on the stage, the audience is getting restless.
Statler 	He can't go on the stage, it's full of sauerkraut.
Waldorf 	Can I talk to you a moment in private?
Hal 	scoff Guys, just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it.
Beauregard	Oh, good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.
Statler 	I'm telling ya, he can't go on until the sauerkraut's gone.
Beauregard	Sauerkraut's gone!
==Medley==
Waldorf	Moving right along...
Statler	Uh, we bring you tonight's guest star, the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.
Waldorf	In a musical salute to our favorite holiday, Christmas.
Statler	(together with Waldorf) The 4th of July.
Waldorf	Christmas.
Statler	No, the 4th of July.
Waldorf	Yes, but I already rented the sleigh.
Statler	Too bad. And, so now, for an old fashioned 4th of July—
Waldorf	Christmas.
Statler	Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden. Yaaay!
 	"Patriotic Christmas Medley"
==UK spot==
Statler	Here's a couple of young guys about to perform one of The Beatles' hit songs. Actually, we had hoped to have The Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard from any them, so...
Waldorf	Wait a second! I just talked to Ringo.
Statler	Oh, great! What did he say?
Waldorf	No.
Statler	So, here are these guys I was telling you about.
 	"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"
Fozzie 	Boy, that was very good.
Kermit 	Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.
==Dressing room==
Hal 	Gee Robin, I'm sorry about your number being cancelled. But, uh, look at it this way. You could be lucky. Well, they didn't cancel my number and look what happened.
Robin	Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different.
Hal 	Oh yeah, how so?
Robin	Well, first of all I'd pass a law against wide wheeled sports tires.
Hal 	Excuse me?
Robin	Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance.
Hal 	Oh, well that's true.
Robin	Gee, just imagine. What if I did run things?
 	"If I Ruled the World"
Robin	Hey, vote for us!
Hal 	Yeah.
Gonzo	If I ruled the world, clothing would be edible!
=="Just an Old Fashioned Girl"==
Statler	And now, for a change of pace, we take you to colorful, exciting India.
Waldorf	Yes. And here singing a medley of your favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay bombshell herself Indira Mahajira.
 	Miss Piggy sings "Just an Old Fashioned Girl"
Statler	Who is that out there? That's not Indira.
Waldorf	I know. She's awful.
Statler	Oh no! It's that pig.
Waldorf	I knew there was something not quite kosher about this.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Very nice, Miss Piggy!
Piggy 	Thank you, Kermie! blows kiss
Waldorf 	Sabotaged again.
Statler 	Quick Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard.
Waldorf 	Beauregard, why are you standing there?
Beauregard	Because this is the place where I stopped walking.
Statler 	Go do something useful.
Beauregard	Check.
Waldorf 	Let's see, we've got, uh, Icy Gomez the Reykjavik Warbler.
Statler 	No, no. He came down with the flu.
Waldorf 	Then we've gotta go straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland—
Beauregard	Well, that one works.
Statler 	Beau, what are you doing?
Beauregard	Something useful, like you said. I'm checking the backstage trap door releases.
Waldorf 	Well, don't!
Statler 	Yeah, come on, let's introduce Hal.
Waldorf 	Remember Beau, don't test anymore backstage trap door releases.
Beauregard	Okay. I'll test the onstage trap door releases.
=="When the Saints Go Marching In"==
Statler	Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor.
Waldorf	Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star.
Hal 	Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home?
Statler	What?! But Hal, what about your Dixieland number?
Hal 	Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland but, uh, I mean after that first number? Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Clauses?
Waldorf	But Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" with you.
Statler	Yeah.
Hal 	Well, are you sure nothing's gonna go wrong?
Statler	Hal, you've gotta trust us.
Hal 	Alright, introduce me.
Statler	Well uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mr. Haaaaal!—
Waldorf	Hal Linden! Whoah!
 	"When the Saints Go Marching In"
==Goodnights==
Statler 	Well, it looks like time's running out for us.
Waldorf 	Yeah, and for the show, too.
Statler 	So, let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit 	Yaaay!
Hal 	Kermit, it's good to see you.
Statler and Waldorf	It sure is.
Statler 	Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
Hal 	Has it, really?
Kermit 	Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.
Hal 	What are you talking about? It was a lot of confusion and chaos, a lot of running around by mindless maniacs.
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah. Just like any good ol' Muppet Show!
Kermit 	Hal, you were a big part of it.
Hal 	Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.
Waldorf 	Well, Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there.
Statler 	Mm. We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about the show again.
Kermit 	Oh, good! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie 	Bye!
 	"Closing Theme"
Statler 	You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf 	Neither did I.
Kermit 	You promised!
Image:517 balcony.jpg
Image:Tms517geriatric.jpg
Image:DrinkingSong.jpg
Image:Medley.holidays.jpg
Image:TMSruledtheworld.jpg
Image:TMS517.backstage1-1.jpg
Image:TMS517.backstage1.jpg
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Image:Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.jpg
Image:TMS517.coldopen.jpg
Image:TMS517.goodnights.jpg
Image:TMS517.medleyopen.jpg
Image:TMS517.oldfashioned.jpg
Image:TMS517.opening-1.jpg
Image:TMS517.opening.jpg
Image:TMS517.saintsintro.jpg
Image:TMS517.UKspot-1.jpg
Image:TMS517.UKspot.jpg
Image:TMS517.horn.jpg
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Category:Muppet Show Transcripts