A No Malarkey Christmas

A No Malarkey Christmas is the second episode of season four, and the twenty-ninth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom.
==Plot==
Mr. R’Onion tries to save the Christmas trees, Mr. Banana gets visited by the three ghosts of Music, and Mr. Claus’ elves unionize.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens in Mr. R’Onion’s bedroom. He can be sleeping in his bed. The scene then cuts to Mr. Banana’s bedroom, who can also be seen sleeping in his bed. Christmas music can be heard in the background, causing them both to wake up.] 
Mr. Banana and Mr. R’Onion: IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!
Mr. R’Onion: CHRISTMAS! 
Mr. Banana: MUSIC! 
[Mr. Banana quickly opens his window sticking his head out of it.]
Mr. Banana: TURN OFF THOSE EVIL TUNES RIGHT NOW! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana is grabbed by a young fish wearing a Santa hat.]
Kid: Look, mom! A banana! We can put it in the fruitcake! 
Mother: Great idea, Tommy! 
Mr. Banana: WHAT?! NO! NO! 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion, who quickly brandishes a shotgun and jumps outside the window.]
Mr. R’Onion: Unhand that tree now, you savages! 
[The family screams in terror, quickly dropping the tree and running away.]
Mr. R’Onion: [picks up the tree] It’s okay, baby. You’re safe now. 
[Cut to Santa Claus’ Workshop.]
Elf: Mr. Claus, should we really be doing this? BBTV reported that Plague cases are skyrocketing, and this workshop is super crowded! Maybe we should postpone Christmas. 
Mr. Claus: We can’t do that! Think of the economy - I mean, think of the children! 
Mr. Renaud: Did someone say children?! 
Mr. Claus: Ah, Mr. Renaud! You’re just in time! Do you have those CPTV specials with you? Ever since your presidential campaign, CPTV has exploded in popularity, and tons of people have asked for your stuff on their Christmas lists! 
Mr. Renaud: You bet! [takes out a huge sack, pulling out a few DVDS and handing them to Mr. Claus]
Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, hoes, those kids are! 
Elf: Mr. Claus, don’t you think it’s kind of messed up to be giving people child pornos as Christmas gifts?
Mr. Claus: Alabaster! I don’t pay you dwarves to question me! 
Alabaster: You don’t pay us anything! 
Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, ho! Luckily, the North Pole isn’t part of any country, so I don’t have to abide by minimum wage laws! NOW BACK TO WORK! 
[Cut to a toilet, which Mr. Banana pops out of.]
Mr. Banana: Did that kid have to be listening to music while using the bathroom?! 
[cut to the forest, where Fred and Evelyn are looking at pine trees]
Fred: What do you think of this one, honey? 
Evelyn: I think it looks beautiful, Fred! Let’s get it! 
[Fred takes out an axe, about to chop the tree down, but suddenly Mr. R’Onion grabs the axe from him.]
Mr. R’Onion: I don’t think so, Fred! [swings the axe at Fred’s leg, causing blood to begin to spurt out of it]
Fred: MY LEG! 
[Cut to Mr. Banana’s bedroom, where he can be seen sleeping. Suddenly Scooter appears in the room.]
Scooter: Yo, Mr. Banana, dude! 
Mr. Banana: [wakes up] Huh?! What?! Who the hell are you? And why’d you wake me up? I was having a wonderful dream about a lovely, lovely pear! 
Scooter: I’m the Ghost of Music Past, dude! Let me take you on a journey! [snaps his finger, taking him to the site of a concert] This here is the very first concert ever performed in Bikini Bottom. 
Mr. Banana: Pft, I don’t want to hear this garbage! Take me back home! 
[A strawberry, pear, apple, and peach then walk on the stage. Mr. Banana’s mouth drops open.] 
Strawberry: Already, girls, let’s hit it! 
[The fruits begin playing music. Suddenly Mr. Banana’s girthy banana cock begins to harden, his mouth beginning to drool.] 
Mr. Banana: What beautiful music...I bet they would sound even better in my banana bed! [grins, ripping off his peel and beginning to run toward the band] COME HERE, FRUIT! 
[However, suddenly Mr. Banana appears back in his bed.] 
Mr. Banana: What the?! But I was just about to get some juicy fruit pussy! [sighs] Why do dreams always have to end when they’re getting good...oh well. [goes back to bed]
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion, on top of a roof. He peers down the chimney, rubbing his chin.] 
Mr. R’Onion: [thinks] Hm...now I’ve got to figure how to do this without making any noi-
[Suddenly, Mr. R’Onion trips and falls down the chimney]
Mr. R’Onion: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
[He then lands onto the burning fireplace, causing his ass to light on fire.] 
Mr. R’Onion: AHHHHH! MY GLUTEUS MAXIMUS! MY GLUTEUS MAXIMUS IS ON FIRE! [quickly grabs the glass of milk next to the cookies, dumping it on his ass]
Mr. R’Onion: Phew…
[He then looks down at the fireplace, his eyes widening.] 
Mr. R’Onion: GOOD NEPTUNE! THEY’RE BURNING YOU ALIVE! [quickly runs into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and throwing it on the firewood]
[the fire goes out, but the burnt firewood then breaks in half]
Mr. R’Onion: [eyes fill up with tears, dropping down to his knees and beginning to cry] What monsters, what monsters...
[cut to Mr. Claus’ workshop, where Alabaster is working on toys]
Mr. Claus: BACK TO WORK! 
Alabaster: I already am working! 
Mr. Claus: You’re not being productive enough! WORK HARDER! 
Alabaster: But I’ve been working nonstop for hours! Can’t I take a break? 
Mr. Claus: NO BREAKS! 
Alasbaster: Come on. Just five minutes! 
Mr. Claus: I SAID NO BREAKS! [takes out a whip, whipping Alabaster]
[Cut to the Pineapple residence. A knock is heard at the front door, and Mr. Pineapple opens it, revealing Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pineapple: TIM! Is that you?! I thought you got executed!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, I was going to be executed, but my executioner was gay, so I executed him instead.
Mr. Pineapple: Huh. Since I thought you were dead, I don’t have a present for you—
Mr. Pepperchicken: But I have a present for you!
[Mr. Pepperchicken smacks Mr. Pineapple’s ass with a ruler.]
Mr. Pineapple: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: It was with a ruler, which means it’s straight, so it’s completely okay!
Mr. Pineapple: That was a bendy ruler. 
[Silence for ten seconds]
Mr. Pineapple: Are you coming ou-
Tim: NOT ON YOUR LIFE, MR. PINEAPPLE!
Mr. Pineapple: Are you sure?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I AM A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL THANK YOU VERY MUCH…. I MEAN HETEROSEXUAL!
Mr. Pineapple: I'm sorry but I don't think a straight guy would smack my ass with such ferocity.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well you look like a girl so it’s okay. 
[Cut back to Mr. Banana’s bedroom, where suddenly the Flying Dutchman appears.] 
Mr. Dutchman: GREETINGS! It is I, the Flying Dutchman, ghost of Music present! 
Mr. Banana: [wakes up] WHAT THE?! Another one of these? I’m starting to think maybe I had too many pieces of strawberry pie…
Mr. Dutchman: Nevermind that! It is time to show you the wonders of music that are happening, right now! [grabs Mr. Banana’s hand, flying out of the house and to Mr. Obama’s, where he and Mr. G are having a Christmas Eve party together] 
Mr. Obama: Look at those poor children, Mr. G. Forced to spend their Christmas in the hospital. Why don’t you say we give them a little, uh, Christmas surprise?
Mr. G: My pleasure. [takes out his clarinet, beginning to play smooth jazz] 
[As this peaceful music plays, Mr. G presses a few buttons on his clarinet, causing a drone to fly over the children’s hospital, quickly bombing it.] 
Mr. Banana: [sheds a tear] It’s-it’s beautiful...No, NO! Music will always be the enemy of productivity! They could’ve bombed two children’s hospitals if they weren’t distracted with those unproductive tunes! 
[Mr. Dutchman rolls his eyes, disappearing and Mr. Banana suddenly appearing back in his bedroom.] 
[cut to Mr. Claus’ workshop, where Alabaster is outside with a megaphone] 
Alabaster: The gentle laborer shall no longer suffer from the noxious greed of Santa Claus! We will dismantle oppression board by board! We'll saw the foundation of big business in half, even if it takes an eternity! With your support, we will send the hammer of the people's will crashing through the windows of Santa’s house of servitude!
[the other elves cheer]
[cut to Mr. Claus and Mrs. Claus, who are watching from the window]
Mrs. Claus: What are you going to do now, Santa? The kids aren’t going to give you cookies without presents! 
Mr. Claus: Don’t worry. I have a plan. [marches over to the reindeer stable, opening it] Come now, onward! Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen! SIC THEM! 
[Suddenly the reindeer run toward the elves. Comet uses his antlers to twist the neck of an elf, meanwhile Prancer stomps another to death. As the snow is coated with blood, Mr. Claus laughs.]
Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, ho! Looks like it’s going to be a red Christmas this year! 
Alabaster: OH MY GOD! You’re a monster! 
Mr. Claus: No one comes between me and my cookies, Alabaster. No one. 
[cut back to Mr. Banana’s bedroom, where suddenly Mr. Sanders appears]
Mr. Sanders: Mr. Banana! 
Mr. Banana: [wakes up and gasps] HOLY SMOKES! IT’S THAT EVIL JEWISH COMMUNIST! [quickly jumps out of his bed, grabbing onto his safe] YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY MONEY! NEVER! NEVER! 
Mr. Krabs: That’s the spirit, lad! 
Mr. Sanders: Mr. Krabs? What are you doing here?!
Mr. Krabs: I don’t know. 
Mr. Sanders: Well get out of here! [snaps his fingers, quickly poofing Mr. Krabs out of the room] I am the ghost of Music Future! Let’s take a little trip to the future, Mr. Banana. 
[He snaps his finger, them suddenly appearing at a White House press conference. There, a future version of Mr. Banana is speaking.]
Future Mr. Banana: I am proud to announce that as my first act in office, I have signed an executive order banning all music. My fellow Bikini Bottomites, there is no joy in life, only productivity. 
Mr. Banana: WOW! This future looks great! 
Mr. Sanders: Ah, you say that now - but look. [gestures over to a group of citizens]
Wobbles: Wow, now that we don’t have any music to distract ourselves with, I guess we’ll just have to be productive. 
Dave: You know, I think you’re right. Let’s get to work...overthrowing capitalism!
[Within seconds President Banana is killed and socialism is established.]
Mr. Banana: [mouth drops open] HOLY GUACAMOLE! 
[back cut to the North Pole, where all the remaining elves begrudgingly walk back into Mr. Claus’ workshop]
Mr. Claus: That’s right, that’s right. Back to work! Unless you’d like to visit the reindeer petting zoo. 
[Alabaster sighs, starting to begin work on the toys again. However, suddenly he begins to cough. Soon all the other elves begin coughing.] 
Mr. Claus: Would you damn fools shut up?! 
Alabaster: Mr. Claus, we can’t! I think we have the Plague! I tried warning you this would happen! We better all self-isolate for two weeks. 
Mr. Claus: What did I tell you about breaks? [whips Alabaster again] BACK TO WORK! I don’t care if you die laboring, none of you are going to stop! 
Alabaster: [growls] Alright, you know what? I’m not taking any of this shit. I’m tired of you pushing us around all the time. You deserve a good whipping, SANTA! 
Mr. Claus: [smirks] Talking back, huh? You know what that means. [he begins to whistle, but is soon interrupted by a cough]
Mrs. Claus: [walks over] Are you okay, honey?
Mr. Claus: [coughs again] I don’t know, sweetie, I’m not feeling so swell...I think I might have caught the Pla- [dies]
[the elves cheer]
Mrs. Claus: Not so fast, your little cretins. It looks like I’ll be in the one in charge n-[dies]
Alabaster: Well, my friends it looks like this is a new day for us. From now on, this workshop shall be owned by the workers! 
[the elves cheer again] 
Alabaster: From now on we shall truly receive the cookies of our labor, rather than Santa stealing it from us and shoving them in his overweight belly! 
[cut to Mr. R’Onion, who emerges from a chimney with a Christmas tree.]
Mr. R’Onion: Welp, that’s the last of them. Now to place these beauties back where they were meant to be!
[cut to the forest, where Mr. R’Onion takes out his R’Onion Revivor and shoots the pine tree with it]
Mr R’Onion. It’s okay baby, you’re back now. [kisses the tree] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: THAT BETTER BE A FEMALE TREE, MR. R’ONION! 
[the episode ends]