Transcripts/The Jerusalem Duality

==Season 1 - Episode 12 - The Jerusalem Duality==
Scene 	The Caltech cafeteria.
Sheldon 	Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard 	Lay it on me.
Sheldon 	Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard 	How about that.
Sheldon 	Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard 	Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon 	No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard 	That is a problem.
Sheldon 	So, you see it too.
Gablehouser	(Arriving) Dr. Hofstadter, Dr. Cooper.
Together 	Gablehouser.
Gablehouser	Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard 	Graduate work, very impressive.
Gablehouser	And he's only fifteen years old.
Sheldon 	Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.
Dennis 	Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea.
Leonard 	Advantage Kim.
Gablehouser	I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.
Dennis 	I already know you're not. You don't have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
Dennis 	Well, obviously you don't see it yet, but trust me, you will.
Gablehouser	Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.
Leonard 	Yes sir.
Sheldon 	You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end.
Dennis 	I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition... ooh, look, chocolate milk.
Sheldon 	I sense a disturbance in the force.
Leonard 	(In a Yoda voice) A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	A corridor.
Leonard 	So, Dennis, how long have you been in America.
Dennis 	A year and a half.
Leonard 	No kidding, you speak English really well.
Dennis 	So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard 	What are you talking about?
Dennis 	That.
Sheldon 	He's not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis 	Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon 	Nope. Goodbye.
Leonard 	Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.
Sheldon 	Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.
Dennis 	Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
Sheldon 	Keen observation, goodbye.
Dennis 	You see where you went wrong, don't you?
Sheldon 	Leonard.
Leonard 	Huh, yeah?
Sheldon 	Get him out.
Leonard 	Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec center, they've got nautilus equipment.
Dennis 	Do I look like I lift weights.
Leonard 	Not heavy ones.
Dennis 	It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.
Sheldon 	You think I haven't considered it? You really think I haven't considered it?
Dennis 	Have you considered it?
Sheldon 	Get him out Leonard.
Leonard 	Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the radiation lab.
Dennis 	Wow, you won the Stephenson award.
Sheldon 	Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis 	Really, how old?
Sheldon 	Fourteen and a half.
Dennis 	You were the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard 	It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
Scene 	The living room of the apartment.
Penny 	(To Raj) Mmm, this is really delicious, isn't it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged.
Howard 	Hey, I'm damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?
Penny 	Sure. Raj, hug Howard.
Sheldon 	(Dramatically) Uh-uh-uh.
Leonard 	Something you'd like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.
Sheldon 	Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy.
Howard 	Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon 	Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.
Howard 	You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Leonard 	Just eat, Sheldon, you'll feel better.
Sheldon 	Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don't keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
Penny 	I'm confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?
Leonard 	You can't let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon 	Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg.
Penny 	So, you've got a bit of competition, I really don't see what the big deal is.
Sheldon 	Well of course you don't, you've never excelled at anything.
Penny 	I don't understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard 	We liked Leonard.
Leonard 	Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?
Sheldon 	Yes. That's what a rational person does when his entire life's work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.
Penny 	You know, I'm confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?
Scene 	The same, later that night
Sheldon 	Hey.
Leonard 	Hey.
Sheldon 	I’ve decided you're right. My career is not over.
Leonard 	Great.
Sheldon 	But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.
Leonard 	Great.
Sheldon 	So I’ve decided, I'm going to collaborate with you.
Leonard 	Great.
Sheldon 	What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.
Leonard 	Okay, well, right now I'm designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don't need any help.
Sheldon 	Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what's this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?
Leonard 	It would blow up.
Sheldon 	Are you sure?
Leonard 	Pretty sure.
Sheldon 	Pretty sure's not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?
Leonard 	Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you're going through a bit of a career crisis, you're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.
Sheldon 	Alright.
Leonard 	Go away.
Sheldon 	If you're concerned about sharing credit with me, you're name can go first... I'm going.
Scene 	Howard’s lab.
Howard 	(Into phone) It's a small brown paper bag, Ma, I'm looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there's no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today?
Sheldon 	(Entering) So, this is engineering, huh?
Howard 	(Into phone) I'll talk to you later.
Sheldon 	Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.
Howard 	Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon 	I just came by to say hello.
Howard 	I’ve been at this lab for three years, you've never came by to say hello.
Sheldon 	Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today?
Howard 	A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that's going up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon 	Really, how does it work?
Howard 	When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.
Sheldon 	Uh, huh. So it's a shelf?
Howard 	No, you don't understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide... yeah, okay, it's a shelf.
Sheldon 	Now, I notice you're using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they're lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.
Howard 	Sheldon, there's a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.
Sheldon 	And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
Howard 	Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Yes.
Howard 	Go away.
Sheldon 	Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard 	No, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon 	Huh. It can't be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I'm missing.
Scene 	Raj is exiting his office.
Raj 	Go away. (Sheldon exits)
Sheldon 	Curiouser and curiouser.
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Howard 	(Entering) Is he here?
Leonard 	If he were, I wouldn't be.
Raj 	Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard 	Is that even possible?
Raj 	As it turns out, yes.
Howard 	Something's got to be done about him, Leonard.
Leonard 	Like what? He'll never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is.
Raj 	Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon?
Howard 	Then our problem would be solved.
Leonard 	Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? I'm not saying no.
Howard 	We don't have to go that far, there are other means available.
Raj 	We can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
Howard 	The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
Leonard 	That won't happen, he's not interested in anything but physics.
Howard 	What about biology?
Leonard 	What?
Howard 	You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind.
Leonard 	Howard, he's fifteen.
Howard 	Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8.
Raj 	She was sleeping with you?
Howard 	No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.
Sheldon 	(Entering) Oh, good, you're all here. Look, I’ve decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you're working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me?
Scene 	Outside Apartment 4B.
Penny 	(opening door) Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Howard 	We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny 	What?
Leonard 	Howard, that's racist, any fifteen-year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.)
Raj 	It's possible she may have misunderstood us.
Scene 	Sheldon's office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door.
Gablehouser	(Entering) Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?
Sheldon 	No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you'll appreciate this, very exciting.
Gablehouser	Oh, what are you working on?
Sheldon 	Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I'm going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Gablehouser	To what end?
Sheldon 	You know, it's like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.
Gablehouser	Who will come?
Sheldon 	The Jewish people.
Gablehouser	What if they don't come.
Sheldon 	We'll make it nice, put out a spread.
Gablehouser	Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who's agreed to join us here at the University.
Sheldon 	Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can't you.
Gablehouser	Okay, well, uh, obviously you're very busy with your... uh, um, come Dennis. You'll have to excuse Dr Cooper, he's been under a lot of... um... he's nuts.
Sheldon 	(Voice off, sings to a Mexican tune) Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They'll come, they'll settle and I'll win the prize...
Scene 	The welcoming party
Sheldon 	I really don't understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn't the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Goldfarb 	Go away.
Sheldon 	We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem.
Goldfarb 	Please go away.
Sheldon 	Said Pharaoh to Moses.
Gablehouser	Why are all these young women here?
Leonard 	It's take your daughter to work day.
Gablehouser	Really, I was not aware of that.
Raj 	Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16.
Gablehouser	Hm?
Howard 	Smooth.
Raj 	Thank you.
Gablehouser	There's the man of the hour.
Leonard 	Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive age-appropriate women.
Howard 	All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. (The look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.)
Leonard 	Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj 	We need a social catalyst.
Leonard 	Like what? We can't get fifteen-year-old girls drunk.  
Howard 	Or can we?
Leonard 	No, we can't.
Howard 	I don't think you mean we can't. I think you mean we shouldn't.
Sheldon 	Hey, Howard. You're a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it's definitely me.
Leonard 	Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
Raj 	Okay. How about that one.
Howard 	Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and you're in the back seat of your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
Raj 	Are you crying?
Howard 	No, I have allergies.
Raj 	Okay, uh, how about her?
Leonard 	Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while you're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
Raj 	Okay, so not her either. How about her?
Howard 	Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem.
Leonard 	I think that's our girl. One of us should go talk to her.
Raj 	I can't talk to her, you do it.
Leonard 	I can't just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her.
Howard 	Oh no, she'll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this.
Raj 	You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and we'd be done.
Leonard 	Well, we’re not in India.
Raj 	Alright, why don't we do it your way then? We'll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
Leonard 	Okay, that was uncalled for.
Raj 	You started it, dude.
Gablehouser	Could I have everyone's attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family.
Sheldon 	(Sarcastically) Welcome Dennis Kim.
Gablehouser	Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.
Sheldon 	Youngest till the cyborgs rise up!
Gablehouser	And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis!
Dennis 	What?
Gablehouser	Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research.
Dennis 	Um, no thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma.
Gablehouser	Well, uh, well, uh....
Leonard 	The kid got a girl.
Raj 	Unbelievable.
Howard 	Did anyone see how he did it?
Sheldon 	(To Gablehouser) Don't worry, I’ve got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honored daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.
Howard 	He's back.
Leonard 	Yeah, mission accomplished.
Raj 	Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own?
Howard 	I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard 	Well, why do we go home alone every night, we’re still smart.
Raj 	Maybe we’re too smart. So smart it's offputting.
Howard 	Yeah, let's go with that.
Scene 	The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets.
Howard 	Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard 	I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman “you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants.”
Raj 	Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It's Dennis Kim.
Howard 	Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
Raj 	You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)
Leonard 	Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon 	Screw him, he was weak.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)