Dumb Patrol

Dumb Patrol is the fourth episode of Season One of Call the Cops.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with Officer John escorting Patrick out of the prison.]
Officer John: Well Patrick, it took three episodes but you're all sobered up now. I'm proud of you. I guess you can go home now.
Patrick: Really?
Officer John: Sure.
Patrick: Yay! 
[Patrick runs out of the prison doors.]
Patrick: Bye person-in-weird-uniform!
[Bubble transition to Patrick running towards SpongeBob's house. He bangs on the door.]
Patrick: SpongeBob! Open up! I'm out of the weird cagey place!
[The door swings open. The place is empty and the lights are turned off. Gary is in the middle of the room sleeping.]
Patrick: Huh. I guess he's not home right now. Oh, I know, he must be at the place with the food things! (his stomach growls) I could do with a Krabby Patty right now!
[Bubble transition to Patrick running towards The Krusty Krab. The place is empty and there is a sign on the door reading "temporarily closed until further notice".]
Patrick: Huh, that's weird. There's a paper thing on the door. "Tom-pour-raily clos-ed". That's a funny way to spell "we're open".
[Patrick tries to open the door but it's locked.]
Patrick: I guess they accidentally glued the doors shut. I know! I'll go see Squidward!
[Cut to Patrick banging on Squidward's door.]
Patrick: Hey Squidward!
[Squidward answers.]
Squidward: Ugh, what are you doing here?
Patrick: What's going on? Aren't you supposed to be in The Krusty Krab?
Squidward: It's closed because Krabs and SpongeBoob are in jail, duh. Say, aren't you supposed to be there?
Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob's still in jail? (he starts crying) But that means I can't play with him! Or go jellyfishing! Or annoy you!
Squidward: Well if you miss jail that bad, why don't you just throw yourself back in there?
Patrick: Good idea, Squidward! But, uh… how do I do that? 
Squidward: Uh, I don't know. Commit a crime?
Patrick: That's a great idea! But committing crimes is hard.
Squidward: Well I mean how did you get in there in the first place?
Patrick: I uh… oh, I ate a lot of ice cream! Thanks for the tip, Squidward!
[Patrick runs into Squidward's house.]
Squidward: Hey, what are you doing?
[Squidward races into his house to find Patrick raiding his fridge. He screams.]
Squidward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Patrick: You have ice cream, right?
Squidward: Yes, but it's not the kind of ice cream children get for being good noodles! It's high tier stuff and it's very expensive. If you really want to get into jail, why don't you just become a cop?
Patrick: Pffft, oh Squidward. Everyone knows it takes years of hard work and training to become a police officer.
Squidward: Well it's a better idea than raiding my refrigerator! Now get out!!!!!
[Cut to outside Squidward's house. Squidward kicks Patrick out the door.]
Patrick: Become a cop, huh? I guess I'd be able to play with SpongeBob again.
[Cut to Patrick approaching the Bikini Bottom jail. He enters and goes to the front desk.]
Officer John: Patrick? What are you doing back so soon?
Patrick: I'd, uh, like to become one of those people with the fancy uniforms please.
Officer John: You mean a cop? Oh, Patrick. It takes years of hard work to become one of us. And it's not like we need any more cops.
[Suddenly, his phone rings. He picks it up.]
Officer John: Uh, hello?
Fred: (on the other side of the phone) Hey, (sneeze) I can't come into work today. I hurt MY LEG and I caught the coralavirus. (cough) The doctor says I have to stay home.
Officer John: The coralavirus? Oh dear. We'll find someone to replace you. Bye. (he hangs up, and then glances at a grinning Patrick)
Patrick: What?
Officer John: (sigh) If that isn't plot convenience then I don't know what is.
Patrick: So does this mean I'm a cop now?
Officer John: Well I guess we do really need someone else to guard the prison cells… oh, alright fine. 
Patrick: Yippee!
[Cut to the prison cells. SpongeBob is crying.]
Mr. Krabs: What's the matter, boy?
SpongeBob: It just hasn't been the same since Patrick left.
Mr. Krabs: It'll be fine, boy. I'm sure he'll visit us soon.
[Patrick approaches the cell in a police uniform.]
Mr. Krabs: See? There he is now.
Plankton: Oh wow he's actually here.
Patrick: (in a stuck-up tone) Afternoon, prisoners.
[SpongeBob jumps up in joy.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) Patrick! You're back!
Patrick: That's Officer Patrick to you, my dear SpongeRobert. 
SpongeBob: You're a cop now?
Helen: (sarcastically) Oh great. He's turned to the dark side.
Mr. Krabs: I guess all you need to be a cop is to be fat and like donuts.
Plankton: And be a bigot. (he turns to the viewers)
Patrick: I'll be keeping watch on y'all from now on.
Plankton: Good luck with that. (he gives out a maniacal laugh, and the others stare at him)
SpongeBob: I'm just glad you're back with us, Patrick- er, Officer Patrick.
Patrick: That's Mr. Officer Patrick to you.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I can't believe you finally got a job! This is great!
Mr. Krabs: He could help us escape! We're saved!
Helen: I can tell you have way more faith in humanity than you should.
Patrick: What's a hu-man?
Helen: Forget about it. You're a lost cause.
Patrick: The only lost cause is you, young lady. What's your name?
Helen: Helen. But you already knew tha- nevermind.
Patrick: Heh. Rhymes with melon. I like it.
Helen: Whatever floats your boat.
Patrick: I have a boat? Wow!
Helen: (sigh) Dumbass.
Patrick: HEY! THERE WILL BE NO SWEARING IN MY CHRISTIAN JAIL!
Mr. Krabs: I didn't know Patrick moved to Christianity.
SpongeBob: I didn't either. Personally I'm a pacifist. (giggles)
Patrick: Wait a second. (his brain starts working for a second) I saw a sign earlier. It said… "Do nots". That's a weird name for a sign.
SpongeBob: Patrick- I mean Officer Patrick, I think that sign says "Donuts".
Patrick: A DONUT ROOM! YAY! (he rushes off)
SpongeBob: (yelling towards Patrick) Bring us some, Patrick!
Plankton: And what good will that do?
SpongeBob: I don't know, I just like donuts.
Mr. Krabs: Can't be any worse than slop.
Plankton: (visibly shudders) Okay, good point.
SpongeBob: Isn't it great that Patrick's back? 
Helen: Of course not, dimwit! He's a lying little traitor!
SpongeBob: Wh- what?
Helen: He's on their side now! He's gonna be actively acting against us!
SpongeBob: Oh, Helen, you're such a pessimist.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, you have a good point here. But we're talking about Patrick. Is it safe to say we all agree he's, uh… not the sharpest tool in the shed?
SpongeBob: What do you mean? Patrick's the smartest guy I know!
Mr. Krabs: Whatever. Point is, what if we used him to our advantage and got him back on our side?
Plankton: Oh, I like your thinking, Krabs! (pause) I can't believe I just said that.
[Patrick returns with a bunch of donuts.]
Patrick: Yum.
SpongeBob: Hey, could we have some of those, Patrick? Pretty please?
Patrick: No way, criminals. You'll have to wait until lunchtime for your food. I heard the slop there is divine.
Plankton: (sarcastically) Sounds delightful, kelphead.
SpongeBob: Oh come on Patrick, I asked nicely! Please????
Patrick: Nope, sorry. I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.
Plankton: Rules? What rules?
Patrick: These rules!
[Patrick pulls out a book from behind his back called "Da Rulez".]
Patrick: Da Rulez, the prison code, whatever you wanna call it. It's all in the leather-coated paper thing. And as you can see right here- (he opens the book and flips to a specific page) -it says very clearly that, uh…. I can't read.
Mr. Krabs: Why Patrick, that obviously says "if prisoners ask for donuts, you have to give them some"!
Patrick: Really? I thought it said not to confer with the prisoners.
Mr. Krabs: What? That's crazy! You know, if you don't enforce the rules you could get fired. Wouldn't wanna get fired on your first day, would you?
Patrick: Uh… I guess not. Well, if it's in the rules then alright. But only one.
[Patrick gives SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and Helen one donut each.]
Mr. Krabs: Hot dog!
Patrick: What's a dog?
Mr. Krabs: I'm not sure. Thanks Patrick!
Patrick: That's Mr. Professor Officer Patrick to you. I'm just doing my job.
[Patrick whistles as he walks off.]
Helen: Uh, I just remembered I'm allergic to sugar.
[Helen puts her donut on the ground.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, that was mean to use him like that!
Mr. Krabs: I thought you wanted donuts.
SpongeBob: But not if you have to break "da rulez"!!!
Plankton: That's a dumb name for a rulebook, I must say.
SpongeBob: Who cares how dumb it is? Can't be dumb as Patrick- I MEAN-
Mr. Krabs: Huh, I thought you said he was a smartypants.
SpongeBob: Fine, it was a white lie. He's my best friend, I can't just insult him like that.
Mr. Krabs: I guess I understand. But do you see these?! (he holds up his donut to everyone) And these donuts are only just the beginning! Just think of all the other things we could get him to do for us! We could even break out!
SpongeBob: But we can't just abuse Patrick's authority and "not-smartness" like that. It's not right.
Plankton: Come on, SpongeBoob. Who cares about what's right as long as you get what you want?
Helen: That sponge is way too driven by morality. He needs to learn that morals aren't everything in life. I learned that from day one.
Mr. Krabs: Look, you want to get out of here, right?
SpongeBob: I guess.
Mr. Krabs: Then you'll thank me later.
Plankton: Urgh, we're the closest we've been to getting out in… how long have we been here? Three weeks? A month? A year?
Mr. Krabs: I don't even know anymore…
SpongeBob: Okay, fine, maybe I'll consider it.
[Cut to the phone area. Patrick is on the phone.]
Patrick: Yeah, hey Mario. Can I have a large pepperoni pizza with some soda? Uh huh. Yeah, just deliver it to the jail. Mm hmm? Just tell them to give it to Patrick. Thanks.
[He hangs up the phone, which rings shortly after. Patrick picks it up.]
Bubble Bass: Yes, I will have a quad patty, with a sprinkling of Himalayan salt-
Patrick: You've got the wrong number.
Bubble Bass: But this is the Krusty Krab phone line!
Patrick: No, this is Patrick.
[Patrick hangs up. Officer John walks by.]
Officer John: Hey Patrick, how's your first day?
Patrick: Oh, you know, it's going great. I just ordered a pizza! Do you want some?
Officer John: Want some? I'd kill for some! (he laughs)
Patrick: I don't get it.
Officer John: Because that would be illegal, and we enforce the- eh, nevermind. Keep up the good work.
[He walks off. Cut back to the jail cell.]
SpongeBob: Hey Helen, wanna play a game of Eels and-
Helen: No.
SpongeBob: Well it was worth a shot. (sighs) It's just not the same without Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Relax, me boy. You'll get over it eventually.
SpongeBob: I won't, Mr. Krabs! I've known Patrick ever since I was born! We even went to camp together! Have you ever had a friend like that?
[Mr. Krabs glances at Plankton before turning back to SpongeBob.]
Mr. Krabs: I… can't say I have, boy.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry for snapping at you, Mr. Krabs. It's just that I've known Patrick for a long time, and I don't think I can live with him gone.
[Squeaking noises are heard approaching the cell. Mr. Krabs grins.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can!
[Patrick opens the cell door and wheels in a CRT TV.]
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: Here's the in-cell black box thing you wanted.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Officer Patrick!
Patrick: That's Dr. Mr. Professor Officer Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Right, right.
Patrick: Oh, and here's your rectangle thing.
[Patrick throws Mr. Krabs a remote and walks off.]
Mr. Krabs: See? Now we have TV!
[Mr. Krabs tries to turn it on.]
Mr. Krabs: Tartar sauce! There are no plugs in here!
Plankton: Just get the pink moron to install one.
Mr. Krabs: Right ahead of you! (calling down the hall) Hey Dr. Mr. Whatever Patri-
[SpongeBob covers his mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: (mumbling) Hey!
Plankton: Why'd you do that? I wanna get back on top of my shows!
SpongeBob: I still don't think this is right. What if one of the other officers finds out?
Plankton: They won't find out as long as we don't get caught. Now shut up, daddy over here needs his action shows.
[pause]
Plankton: Hey, why isn't he coming back?
SpongeBob: I think he's on his lunch break.
[Pan over to Patrick stuffing his face with pizza.]
Plankton: Break?! But I want my shows now!
Mr. Krabs: So do I, but I guess even servants have to eat every now and then. Hey, what even is he eating?
[SpongeBob takes a whiff.]
SpongeBob: Smells like pizza.
Plankton: Pizza?! I want pizza!
Helen: I… don't think I've ever had pizza.
SpongeBob: Oh you have got to try it! Once we get out of here you should come down to The Krusty Krab. After all, The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and-
Mr. Krabs: Or, we could just have some pizza now?
SpongeBob: Uhh… I guess we could try?
Plankton: HEY, MORON! Uh, I mean, PATRICK!
[No response.]
Mr. Krabs: Anybody have anything we can throw at him?
Helen: I have a donut.
Mr. Krabs: That works.
[Mr. Krabs takes the donut from Helen.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, sleaze ball! (throws the donut at Patrick, making him scream)
Patrick: Who threw that at me?!
Mr. Krabs: (whispering) Shh, over here!
Patrick: What is it, criminal? I don't have much time, I need to get back to my delicious pizza!
Mr. Krabs: Can I have a slice of yer pizza?
Patrick: No way. I ordered this myself and it's all mine.
Mr. Krabs: Remember the rule?
Patrick: Nice try, prisoner. I'm not that dumb.
Plankton: Says the one who installed a TV into our cell.
Patrick: Oh, so that's what it's called.
Mr. Krabs: So are you gonna give us some pizza or what?
Patrick: I'm sorry but you are criminals and you definitely don't deserve pizza.
Mr. Krabs: Oh come on! You gave us donuts!
Plankton: They probably have a whole warehouse of them somewhere knowing the stereotype.
Mr. Krabs: You can't even give us just one slice each?
Patrick: Nope. 
Mr. Krabs: But-
Patrick: No means no… at least I think it does.
Mr. Krabs: But what if no meant yes?
Patrick: Maybe I can then. I dunno, this is so confusing.
Mr. Krabs: (rolls eyes and sighs) Just give us the pizza.
Patrick: Okay.
[Patrick runs off out of the cell room.]
SpongeBob: I still don't like this.
Plankton: You think about things too much. Just let it happen.
SpongeBob: But we shouldn't be abusing Patrick like this. It's not right.
Plankton: For Neptune's sake, who cares about morals?!
Helen: I know I don't.
Plankton:  I feel like this is the millionth time we've had this conversation today.
[Patrick runs back with a box of pizza.]
Patrick: I hope you guys like pepperoni.
[He slides the box underneath the iron bars.]
Plankton: Hey, that's my favorite type of pizza!
Patrick: Bon apple-teeth.
[Mr. Krabs opens the box and everyone takes a slice, except SpongeBob.]
Mr. Krabs: Come on, me boy! Grab a slice!
SpongeBob: I, uh…
Patrick: You know you want to, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: This still isn't right…
Plankton: Oh my goodness, who CARES?! We get free food!
SpongeBob: Yeah but-
Plankton: But nothing!
[Plankton picks up a slice and forcefully shoves it into SpongeBob's mouth. He chews and swallows.]
SpongeBob: Huh. That was quite nice actually, I guess.
Mr. Krabs: See?
SpongeBob: But I still don't agree with you all.
[Plankton and Mr. Krabs groan. Pan over to a prisoner in a cell opposite.]
Prisoner: Hey, how comes they get pizza and we don't?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry! There's enough for everyone! SpongeBob, be a lad and slide a couple slices over to our friends.
[Officer Nancy is seen patrolling the hallways, when she smells pizza.]
Officer Nancy: Mmm, pizza. I wonder where it's coming from.
[She walks over to where the source of the smell is, which is in the prisoners' cell.]
Officer Nancy: What in the-
[Mr. Krabs stops eating mid-bite and awkwardly looks at Officer Nancy.]
Officer Nancy: Where did you get that pizza? You know you aren't allowed to have that in here.
[She then sees the neighboring prisoner wolfing down pizza as well.]
Officer Nancy: A pizza epidemic, eh? Who's responsible for this? HELEN!!!!!!
Helen: It's not me this time, I swear!
Officer Nancy: Yeah, of course you do. You swear every other word! We're taking you to your own cell.
Helen: No, wait! I'm serious! It's your new dumb pathetic excuse of a recruit's fault!
[Patrick walks by, eating a pizza slice sloppily]
Patrick: Hey, how's the pizza party goin'?
Officer Nancy: So it IS you.
Patrick: Who's me? (gasp) Am I not me? Then- then who am I?!
Officer Nancy: You're fired, that's what you are.
Patrick: Wow, he sounds like a nice guy.
Officer Nancy: No, I mean you're no longer a police officer.
Patrick: I was a police officer?
Officer Nancy: Not anymore, bub. Get your things and go.
SpongeBob: No, please! Give him one last chance! It's not his fault! We took advantage of him for our own selfish gain.
Plankton: Yeah, can you fire us from being prisoners instead?
Officer Nancy: Sorry peeps, the star's going.
Patrick: Where?
Officer Nancy: To be honest, I don't care, as long as it's not here.
[Officer John walks in.]
Officer John: Oh cool, pizza!
[He picks up a slice from the floor and swallows it whole.]
Officer John: Pizza Castle, you never let us down. Hey Officer Patrick.
Patrick: (frowns) That's just Patrick to you now.
[Fred bursts through the door with a face mask.]
Fred: I'm back.
Officer Nancy: Well how convenient is that?
Fred: Ooh, pizza!
Officer Nancy: Fred, John, please don't encourage the prisoners!
Fred: What? I like pizza.
Officer John: Mmm, pepperoni's my favorite.
Plankton: Same!
Fred: (looks at Patrick) Who's this?
Officer Nancy: Oh, he's the guy who was filling in for you.
Fred: Well it looks like he did a good job.
Officer Nancy: You're joking, right? 
Fred: Eh, it's usually worse on my shift.
Officer Nancy: I guess so. At least he didn't help the prisoners plot an escape or anything!
[The three officers laugh, Mr. Krabs nervously joins in.]
Mr. Krabs: Heh, yeah. That would be crazy!
[He passes SpongeBob a piece of paper where he has scribbled a map of the prison ventilation system on.]
Mr. Krabs: (whispers) Discard of this as soon as possible.
Officer Nancy: Welp, best get Patrick out of here.
Fred: What, what did he do?
Officer Nancy: He gave pizza to the prisoners.
Fred: Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
Officer Nancy: HE GAVE PIZZA TO THE PRISONERS!
Fred: Your point?
Officer John: Can you stop making a big deal out of this?
Officer Nancy: You're the reason prisoners keep escaping, don't you know that?
Officer John: Ugh, not this again. We already went over this, we got the prisoners back into prison within an hour of them escaping.
Officer Nancy: Oh you and your "it's only one hour" crud.
Patrick: Okay, I'm out. See you… I dunno.
[Patrick exits through the main doors and walks away.]
[The two officers keep arguing at each other as it pans over to the prisoners.]
SpongeBob: All's well that ends well, right?
Mr. Krabs: Not really, boy. Patrick's left, and we have no chance of escapin' now.
SpongeBob: I'm sure he'll come back eventually.
[Cut to Patrick, who is now roaming around Goofy Goober's whilst covered in ice cream. The bartender can be heard screaming off-screen as the screen violently shakes and glass breaking is heard.]
Patrick: (drunk) This ice cream tastes like glass!
[End.]
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