Lobstermen

== BEGIN PROFILE: ==
Subjects LOBSTERMEN are currently thirty individuals hybridizing human and lobster DNA. Subjects were found in the year 20[REDACTED], in the mansion of a privately wealthy individual known as [REDACTED].
[REDACTED]
 was an heir to long-term family wealth, and had been known as an expert
 in the fields of biological sciences; but had acquired a reputation for
 reactionary politics; and a philosophy relating to the idea of lobsters
 as the ultimate model for human society.''
Repeated 
secondary reports of sanitary and health code violations in the mansion 
were noted after his retreat from the field; and multiple “cryptid 
sightings” lead the G.U.F.F. to place an undercover agent amongst the 
servant staff.''
According to records accessed by our agent; 
the esteemed [REDACTED], the area was run akin to a millitarized 
socially-darwinistic/meritocratic ideal; resembling Ancient Sparta, and 
had divisions between Apex,” “Elite,” “Elect,” and “Servants,” which all
 human excepting the creator were.''
The creatures were 
subject to constant millitary drills and rigorously enforced; brutal 
cleanliness, alongside a culture of nigh-fascist mysticism and millitary
 worship; and constant propaganda along with secondary “secret wars” 
against other millitary operations. There was a secondary “underground” 
culture circulated by the servants and those LOBSTERMEN in the low rank 
of “Elect,” but this has mainly been ascertained after the fact; due to 
the punishment given for its revelation.''
The original 
numbers of the group of LOBSTERMEN were one hundred and twenty when the 
investigation began, but had dwindled down to one hundred when  the 
G.U.F.F. moved in, further dwindling to forty due to fighting in defense
 of the mansion or “honorable” suicide. ''
All of these casualties were later determined to be from the “Apex” and “Elite” ranks, the only ones trusted enough to do so.
The
 remaining LOBSTERMEN exhibit behaviors common to abused children; and 
have health problems relating to both abuse; neglect; malnutrition; and 
the combination of lobster and human biology, though treatments are 
being developed by our parabiologists and they are currently being given
 care and therapy by our organization.''
The creator was 
apprehended before he could commit suicide, with the only injuries being
 a black eye given by Agent [REDACTED] because “They were children! You 
were doing this to children for your sick fucking cult!” Agent 
[REDACTED] was not reprimanded for this.''
The links both 
financial and philosophical between the creator and a currently 
operating reactionary philosopher with similar views on lobsters are 
inconclusive and currently under investigation. As are the links between
 the rogue [REDACTED]ologist and the experiments with “Clam-Men” and its
 relation to their “Secret Wars”…''
== Author Commentary ==
This whole entry is a giant fuck you to Jordan Peterson. Because the man's obsession with lobsters lent itself naturally to pulp-y lobstermen, and I thought I might as well explore how that could be used to deconstruct his worldview!
As per usual with G.U.F.F. stuff, this is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY 4.0 license so long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator!
And, if you wanna support me, maybe check out my Patreon, which I previewed this design on ages ago, or even just send a Ko-Fi my way! Every penny is appreciated, and I am eternally grateful for those who donate!
Category:G.U.F.F. Entries