Dunestorm Myth

== The Hegemon ==
The year was 20,001 AB. Deep into the glory years of the High Waifurian Empire, the Mummy's vile fingers tainted all corners of the galaxy. From the most desolate rocks to the most advanced civilizations, the Waifurian Empire reigned supreme- their authority was unquestionable. Fleets of Greenspill-powered Gigafrigates patrolled terrestrial orbits from star to shining star, and the Waifurian Dollar had become a universally adopted currency- although, in many cases, was adopted through force- as entire systems bent their knees to Mummy and his rotten Waifurian Astronomical Trade Organization (WATO) Council of allied (Satellite) states. 
The MTO, once a liberation force renowned around the Milky Way for their incredible victory against the Combine during the Great META War, had become imperialist drones of the Waifurian Imperial Authority, obeying any and all direct orders from their superiors, no matter how unethical, no matter how gruesome. Spiritual, lyrical war hero and musician Rick Hernia had long since become disillusioned with the Waifurian Empire's bloody campaign of conquest across the galaxy, and had been in a self-exile for the better part of 700 years, ever since the unfortunately-fated Obliteration of Wan'arra, which he personally oversaw. In Rick's stead, five-minded synthetic military genius, Raxus Milluk, had taken the reigns as General of the Waifurian Imperial Army. And things had gone swimmingly, for the most part. Raxus had continued Rick's campaign of 'civilizing' foreign planets, bringing them all under the Waifurian Crown-- and even found the time to play mobile games on his phone whilst bombarding and slaughtering belligerents. 
== Keith Cumshoes Life Update ==
Keith Cumshoes, Rick Hernia's Co-Producer and second-in-command, had recently retired to a life of blunt-rolling and sex-having in the Temple of Rannjoe on Ghetsin 3. After his demotion following his role in the Obliteration of Wan'arra, Keith had served as Mummy's Personal Royal Grandiose Imperial Disc Jockey for several centuries, but eventually grew tired of remixing 'Ring Around the Rosie' for eight hours a day, five days a week.
Keith, then, travelled to Ghetsin 3 to smoke pot with Francis Merrigold and Millings, doing his best to be sober for as few hours as physically possible, and complaining of 'Legume Headaches' which only intensified during the Warshippers' scheduled time with the Legume (Unrequested). Keith's connection to the Legume, despite his proximity to the sacred artifact, only weakened during this time. One day, Keith was growing particularly frustrated with his inability to roll a blunt with Legumish Particulums, when a metallic knock exploded against the door. Millings, that rotten thing, scampered away, and Keith stood, rubbing his eyes, brandishing his starmetal katana. 
Keith opened the door, and found something Truly Rotten Indeed; a hologram of Waifurian Emperor Joseph Robinette Biden, grinning vapidly with an ice cream cone in his hand. 
"You got a second, Jack?" Mummy asked, and Keith rolled his eyes. 
"Of course, your imperiousness," he said, beckoning the hologram inside. It scampered in, projected from a disc-shaped floor mount, and Mummy's image stood in the Temple of Rannjoe's foyer, observing his surroundings. 
"You know what today is, big guy, Kevin?" Mummy asked. Keith frowned, shaking his head. 
"It's the first of the year, folk. The first of the year of our Lord 20,001 AB. Which means-- you know what it means?" 
Keith clenched his fist, images of the Glue Factory Incident boiling up inside of his skull. 
"It means it's my--" Mummy looked off-camera, furrowing his brow, and then looked down again at his fingers, drooling. He counted them- for an exceedingly long time- before his rotten head shot back up and he flashed a denture-grin at Keith Cumshoes. 
"It's my 20,000th year ruling, jack. And look, son, we've got a little celebration- a thing, if you will, on Earth. I want you to come back. Come back and DJ. Play that one song... Ring around the Roses. Or whatever." 
Keith scratched his head. 
"Yeah, I'll have to pass." 
Mummy frowned. 
"Now, look here, fat. You don't get to pass." 
"Yeah, I do," Keith replied, flipping the bird at Mummy. This brought a sorrowful tear to Mummy's eye. 
"No," Mummy said, simply, and the hologram dissipated. The door exploded down and two Superpredators entered, wielding starplasma tridents, and grabbed Keith by each of his arms. 
"You will return for the Anniversary," they said in unision. Keith sighed, putting his katana in his sheath. 
"I suppose I will," he said, glumly. 
== Mummy's Rotten Celebration ==
Mummy was in for quite a treat. His Advisors, along with Raxus Milluk, orchestrated a grand "20,000 years of Biden" Anniversary celebration. "Here's to 20,000 more!", read one banner, which would prove unfortunately prophetical. Robed in his ancient, illustrious Coronation Robes, Mummy presented a rotten speech, which put 90% of the audience to sleep because of how rotten it was. The Joseph R. Biden Imperial Anniversary Celebration was held in Albuquerque New Mexico. A reenactment of the Glue Factory Incident was performed at the Kamala Harris Memorial Theatre in downtown Albuquerque, in which an actor playing Donald J. Trump dove headfirst into a Glue Vat, actually committing suicide, which was somewhat of an 'artisitic interpretation' of the truth. (this was a gross misrepresentation of the Glue Factory Incident).
Keith Cumshoes, needless to say, was rather revolted at the whole performance, and elected to sit that one out, taking a seat on a nearby sand dune and peering out at the Albuquerque Sunset. And good for him that he was nowhere near that theatre, because his father, The G-Man, had chosen to portray himself in the play, and seriously injured the actor playing Keith with a butterball turkey, shutting the whole performance down.
== One Last Mission ==
As the dusty Albuquerque wind, rife with couch particulums and Chairzoggish Lumenquarks, rolled over the Sandy dunes on the cities exterior, Keith Cumshoes closed his eyes, meditating. It wasn't long before he heard the clanking of metal armor behind him; and the popping of artificial candies on a mobile phone. Raxus Milluk held a gold-wrapped joint out to Keith, his armor shimmering in the evening sky. 
“Gonna be a hot one tomorrow,” Raxus commented, lighting the blunt. Keith nodded, eyes shut, breathing deeply.
“Raxus." 
The General passed the roll to Keith.
“From Fargo's collection,” said Raxus. Keith nodded and puffed a cloud of smoke into the smoldering morning air.
"What is it?" 
"Cannabis Bilbius."
"I can tell." 
A silence fell between the two heroes; the sun dipped below the horizon. 
"I'm not here to DJ, am I, Raxus?" Keith sighed, turning to the General. Raxus made no movement, his visor emotionless. 
"We need you, Commander," Raxus said, taking the blunt from Keith. He held it to his visor, and smoke steamed out of the chinks in his armor. "The Empire is in grave danger." 
Keith stood up, wiping the sand from his trousers. 
"Just take me to the situation room already," he grumbled. 
Raxus hailed the Joe Biden Removal Device, which expeditiously arrived, albeit without the Rotter Himself (who was busy eating Tofu Ice Cream upside down in his throne). The miniscule machine ducked and weaved between street vendors and anomolous objects, such as a massive golden foot sticking out of the ruins of Southwestern Dental, and a diamond-encrusted asteroid in the middle of City Park. The Joe Biden Removal Device reached a high speed and lept off of the road and onto the side of a skyscraper, tearing upward across the glass, into the hazy cloud cover above. It shot up over the tower's peak and revealed a hulking, gold-plated blimp- the fabled Pangean Grand Zeppelin in fact, which Mummy had converted into a mobile base-of-operations. 
They passed through eighteen airlocks, in a rather tedious and annoying process which only the Rotter wouldn't have minded, before entering a highly-sophisticated windowless room, filled with supercomputers and military androids, as well as Greenspill Technology coursing through the walls. Raxus wasted no time pulling up a classified file to the holomonitor, and entered his personal clearance code to unlock it. 
"This was at Fort Dunestorm on Septigia," Raxus said, leaning back and crossing his arms. The lights in the room dimmed as Keith's eyes adjusted to the light; security footage filled the monitor. The dark plains of the pulsar-orbiting planet were occassionally illuminated with a searing, blinding white; but other than that, the surface was normal. MTO soldiers wore ultra-solar-resistant suits of armor and visors, running about the base in low gravity. 
"Dunestorm hasn't been decomissioned?" Keith frowned, "It was scheduled to be demolished nearly a millenium ago. Remember? We promised the Combine- no more surveillance." 
Raxus nodded. "We did suggest a de-escalation of surveillance measures, yes. However, the Emperor feels that the fortress maintains a certain... strategic value." 
Keith shook his head. "I'm sure they're not very happy about this-" 
Raxus whistled. "Pay attention, Keith." 
The video footage was still, for a moment. Then a hooded figure, wielding a dark blade, emerged from the shadows. None of the MTO soldiers seemed to notice. Several Superpredators stood watch at the Fortress Gates; they, too, paid no mind to the figure. The cloaked figure attacked, suddenly, with a lethal precision, beheading two soldiers in one go. The rest of the deployment didn't last much longer. 
"This was two days ago," Raxus said, shutting the video off, "We haven't heard anything from Dunestorm HQ since." 
Keith stroked his chin. 
"This individual is powerful," he said, after a moment, the blunt finally hitting, "That sucks, man." 
Raxus' visor remained trained on Keith. 
"When's the last time you heard from Director Phovus, Keith?" asked Raxus, his body rigid. 
Keith cocked an eyebrow. 
"I mean- we're far from best friends, General. It's been a few centuries, at least." 
Raxus didn't move a muscle. 
"Is that so?" he asked. 
Keith nodded. 
Raxus turned away, and Keith heard Raxus' brains sloshing against one another inside the former's helmet. It was an unseemly sound. After a moment, Raxus turned back toward Keith. 
"The Waifurian Bureau of Investigations has several suspects linked to this case, at the moment, Commander Cumshoes. And I'm afraid that you're one of them." 
Two Superpredators emerged from behind closed doors with plasma cuffs, approaching Keith. 
"What??" Keith exclaimed, outraged, "You can't do this to me! I've been on Ghetsin for the last ten years- I mean, ask Francis Merrigold! Ask Supreme Warshipper Francis Merrigold, he'll tell you. I promise. I swear!" 
Raxus shrugged. 
"I don't suspect you, Keith," he said, sympathy in his voice, "But I'm afraid the WIB does." 
== The Inspection ==
The Imperial Investigator Arrived at the holding cell with an entourage of MTO soldiers- wearing the very same uniform Keith had once donned. Inspector Ellis, the Investigator's name was, and he was a skeletal, shuddering thing, more machine than man, who wheezed and groaned with every step and who seemed as if he was about to burst at the seams. He paused in front of Keith's cell, observing the blue-skinned hero, staring at Keith for a good 20 seconds in silence. 
"Let me in," Ellis finally wheezed, and the plasma screen door slid upward. 
"Cumshoes, Keith," whirred Ellis, "Born in West Valley, New York, to a Mrs. 6 Sepitigia... ahh, and what's this? A rogue G-Man variant. Very interesting. Very Interesting, indeed. Thank you for your service in the war, Mr. Cumshoes. Credit where credit is due. But..." Ellis paused, his neck snapping out of place, and then back in, "Well, this is quite a track record you've got on you, Commander. Quite a track record, indeed... heh." 
Keith gazed at the crumpled hunk of metal in front of him. 
"Thanks," replied Keith. 
"So, Commander, as you may know, I have been assigned by the WIB to investigate all possible suspects of this... terrible, terrible crime committed on Waifurian Soil this past weekend. Such a tragedy, indeed. And on the 20,000th anniversary of our Emperor's Ascendancy..." Ellis paused for a moment, gears whining in his head, "What a strange coincidence," he commented. 
"Pretty odd," agreed Keith, "But Septigia's not Waifurian Soil. That's intergalactic space, buddy." 
Ellis cackled. 
"Ah, how insightful, young one," wheezed the Inspector, "And yet... Dunestorm base is Waifurian territory in Intergalactic space, no? As per Section 8 of the the Lagos Accords?" 
"If you respect that old thing," Keith scoffed. 
Ellis giggled whimsically. 
"So humorous, child. So much life behind those eyes..." Ellis clicked a metallic tongue, "It's remarkable, really, Commander. After all that you've been through..." 
Keith frowned. 
"Did you detain Director Phovus?" he wondered aloud, "I mean, that would be truly, truly ballsy if you did. Considering how easily he turned on the Combine, and all. What'd you do, walk right into Black Mesa and drag him out?" 
Ellis had no reaction to this. 
"The Director swore his allegiance to Waifuria, same as you. I have no reason to suspect either of you would turn against your Emperor." a pause, " well, I had no reason to suspect so, until today..." he clicked his tongue again, the sound echoing through the cell. 
"I understand you have a bit of a checkered past when it comes to the Emperor, Mr. Cumshoes," Ellis wheezed, "I understand that, aside from our Emperor, you were one of only two parties to walk in, and then out, of the Glue Factory on that day 20,000 years ago. The other party being, of course..." Ellis leaned in, his hydraulic breath reeking in Keith's face, "...your dear old Pop." 
Keith felt his blood boiling. 
"Inspector," he managed coolly, "My familial affairs are rather personal, and I'd like them to stay that way. Although my father and I had a bit of a disagreement that day, it was entirely unrelated to the Emperor. In fact, I didn't even realize his Imperiousness been there until days later." 
Ellis nodded. 
"Understood." 
Keith pursed his lips. 
"Anything else, Inspector?" 
Ellis nodded, waving Keith away. 
"Yes, I do have one other question, Commander," Ellis whispered, leaning in close to Keith, "Is Rick Hernia dead yet?" 
Keith recoiled. 
"What?" 
Ellis' metallic lips contorted into a smile. 
"I am only making a joke, my dear Friend. I am only making a joke. But, in all seriousness, the Emperor was rather hoping to get Rick back for the 20,000th Banquet. So-- ah, forgive me, I must ask. do you see him?" 
"Ocassionally," Keith lied. 
"Excellent, well--" Ellis fidgeted around in his pocket, revealing a sealed invitation with Mummy's face printed on the front of it. 
"When you see your friend, relay these words-- The Empire needs its Hero back." 
Keith nodded his head, feeling a twinge of relief. That's it. He took the card in his hand. 
"Inspector?" Keith asked, "Might I ask-- who does the Empire suspect is behind this?" 
Ellis cackled. 
"Our Best Intelligence Agent speculates that the Combine Empire is to blame..." Ellis seemed to take glee in relaying this information, " we have been tracking their movements for quite some time, now. The C.O.C.K. has been amassing huge fleets, according to our Best Intelligence Agent. In preparation, the Mexican Portal has been encased in Titanium; but I'm afraid even that may not prevent their return." 
Keith's heart sunk. A 2nd Great META War would be disastrous. 
"So, Inspector," Keith began, "Am I free to go?" 
Ellis examined him, for a second, and sneered. "Oh no, Commander, do not rest easy," Ellis' tone shifted to one of callousness, "I know one of you two aliens did it. The only question now..." air hissed from his joints, "is who?" 
Ellis giggled to himself, shambling out of the cell, and the laser door zapped back into place. 
"Pack your things, Commander," Ellis peered back into the cell, "You're going on a trip. And you're bringing a friend." 
Keith's cell wall fell away; revealing the Director of the Black Mesa Research Facility, the Khorian Defector Phovus, bound in handcuffs, sitting glumly on a bench. He waved half-heartedly to Keith. 
== Two War Criminals Walk Into A Ship ==
Keith sat across from Director Phovus, his cuffed hands on his knees, staring out the window as stars streaked by. The two had not spoken for the entirety of several hours; apart from mere pleasantries, but now, as the ship exited hyperspace, Phovus turned to Keith and spoke. 
"You named this planet," Phovus stated, looking out at the crescent-planet before them. 
"I did," replied Keith. 
"Why Septigia?" asked the Director, his gaze trained on Keith. 
"My Mother's maiden name was Septigia," Keith explained, "She was a fierce warrior queen. Her name was 6." 
"Ah. 6. What an interesting name." Phovus sighed, "My mother died when I was young. I never thought to name a planet after her. How did you come to that decision?" 
"It felt right," Keith shifted, uncomfortably. "It just felt right." 
"What about it felt right?" pushed Phovus. 
"I don't know, man," Keith replied, "I don't know. We just, saved the planet from Combine-adjacent rule, and so, I told General Hernia I wanted to name it after her. And he agreed. So we did." 
"Combine-adjacent?" Phovus inquired, "What do you define as 'Combine-Adjacent', commander? I was once a servant of Xos; am I Combine-Adjacent?" 
"It was a Combine satellite state. It was so obviously a Combine satellite state. I mean, the Queen of the planet was buying massive quantites of military weaponry from Ferinah; and just, burying them underground. It was fucking nuts." 
Keith procured a joint from an unknown location, lit it with his starmetal katana (with great difficulty, through the handcuffs,) and took a big hit. "Anyways, They'd held onto Septigia since the first Great META War; and it was time for the Combine to get out of our galaxy. So, Rick, and I, we went it, with a few ships. And actually, Director- thanks to your work- we had one of the first Dissonance Energy battleships in that fleet." 
"Ah... did you..." Phovus replied, hollowly. 
"Yeah. We did. And it ended up winning the battle for us. I mean, we ran circles around the Combine forces here. And that ship with the Dissonance Energy- you remember the one? The W.S. Sikalyon, you called it." 
"I remember it well." Phovus quipped. 
"The shields on it were absolutely invincible. Incredible work, Director. Incredible work. Anyways- the Combine was practically defenseless; they probably thought we'd forgotten about Septigia. Well, we didn't forget," Keith offered the roll to Phovus, who politely declined. "So, we went it, had a few days of Orbital Bombardment, and then that was it. It was ours." 
The Waifurian shuttle had entered the Septigian atmosphere, now, and the Superpredators in the pilot's seats chattered to themselves in binary. Snowsand blizzards in the upper atmosphere screamed against the cabin windows. 
"It's not yours," Phovus replied, "It's never ours. And you know that, Commander, deep down. We all know the truth." 
Keith cocked an eyebrow. 
"The truth?" 
Phovus turned to Keith, stiff. 
"You know, I'm not a soldier by trade, Commander," he said, "I've commanded battles and fought galactic wars. But it's not what I am." 
Keith shrugged. 
"Me neither. I'm a musician." 
The ship rocked back and forth. 
"Who would've thought," Phovus mumbled to himself, "A travelling musician committing genocide." 
"What?" Keith swore he must've misheard the Director. 
"Nothing." replied Phovus, "It's all nothing." 
== The Dunestorm Myth ==
The ship set down atop a dark blue dune. The air was still outside; the storm had only existed above. The Superpredators deactivated the two's handcuffs, and stepped aside, beckoning Keith and Phovus out into the dunes. They handed Keith and Phovus each a small communication device. 
"When one of you decides to admit guilt, press this button to page the Inspector. We will return for you then." 
With that, the Superpredators pushed Phovus and Keith out of the door, leaving them on the desert's sands. The sand was searing hot; despite the darkness in the sky. The wind was whipping up a sandstorm. 
"So why did they suspect you?" Keith yelled over the wind, "Your past?" 
Phovus nodded, drawing his Binary Sword. He examined it in the pulsar's light. 
"Yes, my past. And you?" 
"My past," Keith nodded. He instinctively drew his blade, too. 
"Here's what we'll do," Phovus said, with a degree of finality indicating this wasn't up for discussion, "We're going to go to Fort Dunestorm, find whoever actually killed all of those soldiers- and turn them over to Ellis. Then, we should both be on our way back home. Sound good to you, Commander?" 
"Sounds good," replied Keith. 
They trudged through the sweltering desert, shielding their eyes when the pulsar's light exploded over the shallow dune sea. The pace at which this happened was at times erratic; it could be seven minutes, or seven seconds, between 'beams'. And it singed their clothes and skin; more greatly affecting Keith than Phovus, due to the latter's Combine-tech enhancements- and Keith required frequent breaks in the shade to remain at a reasonable temperature. When the star's beam lingered too long on the sands, as sometimes did, the dark grains began to glow orange, and Keith and Phovus needed to dance quickly into the shadow of a nearby dune- or risk their feet being trapped inside of the melting glass. 
Soon enough, fort Dunestorm crested over the ridge of a sanddrift; Keith and Phovus trudged forward through the sand, hurrying to reach their target destination. They were a few hundred feet away from the damaged gates when they heard a rumbling from the base, and watched in abject horror as a ballistic missile exploded from a silo on the fortress and streaked into the air. It spun around and pointed directly down at the two of them, and Phovus and Keith jumped out of the way just in the nick of time; the missile struck the sand in the middle of the desert creating a massive impact crater, and kicking up a dust storm so blinding and confusing that the two castaways lost track of each other in the storm. 
Boiling sand crystals encrusted Keith's limbs; he let out an agonized cry as the pulsar's white beam shone through the duststorm, melting clumps of sand midair and sending molten glass raining down on the desert. It fell on Keith's suit, and his hands; the melted liquid oozed around his boots and singed his pants. He fought every urge inside of his body to scream; to let out an agonized howl of how he truly felt. But he resisted these urges; closing his eyes, and reaching out in his mind to the Legume and to the Force; feeling the Omniverse coursing through him. He felt particles zip through his molecules; he felt the Pulsar's anguish; and Septigia's calm- he felt Phovus, somewhere off in the desert, strangely calm, it seemed- and yet, he felt now another presence- one strangely familiar, strangely comforting, and yet altogether furious at his presence on this planet. 
Keith concentrated on the Legume; picturing it on its pedestal in the Temple of Rannjoe, being tended to by Millings, and feeling the energies rushing around it. He pictured Millings' head being crushed by a Grand Piano; and this brought Keith great comfort and joy. The Legumish energies rushed toward him, filling his body, imbuing him with life. He felt a huge beam of energy flowing into his soul; and his feet miraculously lifted off from the desert floor. He opened his eyes and extended his hands; expelling shards of glass which had encased his body off of him and into the desert. The sandstorm swirled around him, now; it was at his control, and he directed its might toward Fort Dunestorm; feeling for lifeforms through the smallest grains of sand. Keith closed his eyes again; feeling the sand, and the glass, as it was part of him. But suddenly, the sand and glass was not just part of him; it was a part of someone else. And the Legumish energies were torn away from him; he fell down onto a sand dune, his starmetal katana in hand, and the dust storm parted like an ocean before him. 
== Legumish Glory ==
A cloaked figure stood illuminated by the pulsar; casting a long shadow over the desert, stretching over Keith and deep into the sands behind. 
"Phovus!" Keith called, "I don't want to fight you, Phovus. It wasn't me, I swear." 
Keith raised his hands and stepped toward the figure, the pulsar spinning rapidly behind him, speeding up, now, at a quickening pace. The figure stood their ground; and placed a hand on a sheath of their own. 
"Phovus, let's not make a mess of things," Keith was indignant, now, gripping his katana fiercely in his hands, and pacing toward the shadow. 
The figure lowered their hood; and none other than Rick Hernia himself stared at Keith Cumshoes, tears in his eyes, a tortured expression paved across his face. 
== Triage at Dunestorm ==
"Rick?" Keith exclaimed, releasing a sigh of relief, relaxing, "Rick, what are you doing here?" 
"What are you doing here..." echoed Rick, his eyes dark, his muscles tense.
"Well... it's a funny story, actually, man. I got arrested... me and Phovus, both arrested, and we got sent here- but how are you, man? I haven't seen you in... god, it must be centuries. I can't believe you're like... really here in front of me. I thought you were dead. For years, I thought you were dead. You don't text, you don't call?" 
Rick turned away, unsheathing his katana. 
"We've made a lot of mistakes, Keith," Rick sighed, "We've made so many mistakes." 
"Mistakes?" Keith was taken aback, "What do you mean mistakes, Richard? Mistakes like what, exactly?" 
Rick shook his head. 
"We were children, Keith. We hadn't even hit puberty yet, do you realize that? We were children, and we were sent to die in a war." 
"We served the Empire." 
"No, we didn't, you dolt!" Rick seethed, "The Empire didn't exist yet! We served Earth. We were MTO- we served the United States. We served democracy! Or so we were told." 
"We didn't have a choice Rick," Keith lamented, "You're right about that. But Earth needed all the help we could get. Generations of kids grew up only ever knowing that war; it's because of you and I that generations more don't have to." 
Rick laughed, his tattered Waifurian robe rippling in the wind. 
"You and I, Keith, that's right. Do you ever wonder why it was us? Why we were the heroes of the Galaxy? Why it was you and I, the chosen duo, the shithead music kids from the Northeast that ended up saving the planet? I mean- seriously- I got fucking decapitated and I didn't die! Do you know how many ways I've tried to die, Keith?" Rick shook his head furiously, "I've lost count. Not as many times as the lives we've ended." 
"There are necessary losses, Rick--" 
Rick spun and stood, face to face with Keith, his breath hot against Keith's chest. He jammed a finger into Keith's sun-singed suit as the pulsar's beam tore through the desert again. 
"Necessary losses are Combine Overwatch on Earth, Keith. Necessary losses aren't Shallberry Grannlope... or- or, fucking Wan'arra-- or fucking Septigia, for Gods Sakes- or whatever they used to call this place before we showed up, I can't tell you, because we didn't care, did we? We just came in guns blazing and eliminated the 'Combine threat'. Well, I have news for you Keith. There was no Combine threat. There never was." 
"What?" Keith cocked his head. "What do you mean, there was no Combine threat?" 
"I mean..." Rick held his hands up, gesturing wildly around the desert, "I've scoured the surface of this planet, and the caves below, and I haven't found a single shred of Combine technology anywhere. Nothing! Zip. Nada. Absolutely fucking NOTHING!" Rick slashed his starmetal katana through the sand, melting it. "They lied to us. They all fucking lied to us!" 
Keith took a deep breath. 
"Alright, Rick, I can see you're upset. Let's just calm down, we'll find Phovus, we'll get back on the ship- and we'll go back home and figure this out." 
Rick nodded, but suddenly froze. He glared at Keith. 
"Tell me again why you're here, Keith," Rick whispered. 
"That's not important right now, Rick. What's important is that you're okay." 
The pulsar's beam whipped over the dunes 3 times in 5 seconds, creating bending, arching shadows which twisted and morphed into one another. 
"They sent you here to kill me, didn't they?" Rick scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief, "They sent you here to kill the monster who took out their four hundred fucking thousandth colonial military base. And you agreed, Keith. You agreed!" 
Keith shook his head, but tightened his grip on his katana. 
"That's not what happened, Rick. That's not what happened at all! You're not thinking straight." 
Rick nodded, his face stony. 
"They sent you here to kill your best friend and you agreed," A tear ran down Rick's face, "You're lost, Keith. You're lost." 
== Duel at Dunestorm ==
Rick spun and lunged at Keith, his starmetal katana glowing with Legumish energies. Keith, shocked, managed to parry it, but lost his footing, sliding backward down the dune. Rick viciously swung down at Keith, hitting as hard as could against Keith's blade, Keith striking back but stepping backward into the dusty crater with each hit. Keith closed his eyes, focusing, and lept backward, flying through the air and landing atop- what he had sensed beforehand- to be a massive hunk of glass, buried beneath the sand. He stood atop it, glaring down at Rick. 
"I can't believe you'd attack me," Keith managed, stunned. Rick snarled. "Likewise." 
Rick lept up to Keith, but Keith deflected him, kicking Rick backward into the sand. Rick summoned a cushion of sand beneath himself and sprung himself back toward Rick, flying through the air, swinging his blade about wildly. His blade readied with Legumish energies, Keith parried Rick's flurry in one swift motion, slicing a tear through Rick's Waifurian robe, and sending Rick flying over the rock and into the sand behind him. Keith turned and stood. 
"I don't want to fight you, Rick," Keith lamented, "I can't fight you." 
Rick rose to his feet, blood caking his forehead, and sneered. "Then stop fighting!" 
Rick held his hand out and swirled it about, summoning a brilliant green volley of fireballs, which he launched at Keith. The fireballs exploded and melted the sand when they hit; the pulsar hit some of them mid-air, sending globs of molten glass once again onto Keith's suit and weighing him down. Keith winced as the glass melted into his skin, holding his blade ready. He sliced several of Rick's balls in half. Keith lept over Rick, flying through the air and landing on the exterior wall of Fort Dunestorm. He closed his eyes and concentrated once again on the Legume, picturing the Temple of Rannjoe- and summoned a Legume Atronach from the dust, siccing it on Rick. Keith lept away and headed into the fortress, hoping Rick might stay preocuppied for some time. He pulled Inspector Ellis' comm out of his pocket, holding it in his hand for a moment. He rested his thumb against the button, but hesitated. And that was his mistake- as Rick's blade seared across Keith's back, leaving him in intense agony and pain. Keith dropped the comm and collapsed to the ground, his hands clenched in agony, screaming. Rick stepped toward him, tears streaming down his face, levelling his blade at Rick's throat. 
"I'm sorry, Keith," Rick sobbed, "Why are you making me do this?" 
A massive solar flare exploded off of the pulsar, sending the star's unstable corona spiralling toward Septigia. The planet's atmosphere burned under its heat; and the pulsar began spinning faster and more erratically. Diamond shards rained down over the desert, as the star's light became more intense. 
Keith, wheezing, still gripping his Katana, struggled to his feet, spitting a tooth out onto the ground. 
"You owe me tooth fairy money, bitch," Keith grumbled, lunging at Rick. Rick dodged Keith's attacks, parrying his blade, and the two were locked in an intricate dance as they dueled over the singed corpses of MTO soldiers. Another wave of solar flare exploded off of the star, this one more intense, and the planet was lit up with a brilliant white light; twice as bright as high noon on Earth. Keith's skin began to literally burn off, and he stumbled, catching Rick's blade in with his own. He took a deep breath and launched another volley of swings at Rick, chopping messily at any weak point he could possibly get. Rick effortlessly parried Keith's attacks, but even he was beginning to sweat under the intense solar heat. The upper atmosphere was glowing an unnatural yellow. 
"You wanna know a secret?" Rick asked, breathing heavy and squinting as the pulsar's heat enveloped the dunes, "I fucked Jezebel." 
"You WHAT!?!?!?!" Keith bellowed, furious, hacking at his best friend, although the two's fierce duel was becoming more of an art form than an attempt to maim each other. 
"Yeah," Rick lit his blade ablaze with Legumish flame and swung it at Rick, "I fucked her four times." 
"Four times?" Keith asked, swinging once more, but letting his blade fall to the ground, heavy, "Damn. I actually- wow, I actually kind of respect that. I never caught you either." 
Rick nodded. "Yeah, she was pregnant, too." Rick's arms went limp, and he stared at the sky in wonder as the outer layers of Septigia's atmosphere began to boil off, and the pulsar was spinning so fast that it didn't seem to be spinning at all. It was shrinking, too, but growing ever brighter. 
"She was pregnant?" Keith collapsed against the base's wall, watching the dunes in the valley turn orange and melt into a sea of glass, "When was she pregant?" 
Rick giggled. "She was pregnant, you know, before she died. After you guy split up, when she lived on the Moon. Before that, she was pregnant. And I was going to have to tell you that I got your ex-wife pregnant - but then she fucking died." 
Keith chuckled, and then broke into a nervous fit of laughter, as his skin caught fire, and Rick caught fire too, and the two were set ablaze by the pulsar's collapse, left to burn to death on a doomed planet in a doomed solar system. 
== Phovus ==
Director Phovus, having called Ellis as soon as the sky started fucking melting, hurried back onto the Waifurian shuttle when it arrived, his armor badly warped from the sunlight. 
"What about Keith Cumshoes?" The Superpredator asked, but Phovus shook his head. 
"Go, go, now! We need to- go, now!" 
The Superpredators obeyed, and Phovus trudged onto the ship, his boots melting on the floor. He looked at the Superpredator in the pilot's seat for a minute, before knocking it upside its tinny head. 
"Excuse me," Phovus interjected, "I'll take the reigns from here." The Superpredator stepped aside and Phovus collapsed into the pilot's seat, staring back at Keith's Pulsar as it shrunk into a singularity. He shook his head. 
"What a shame it is that victory for one must always bring sorrow for another," Phovus muttered to himself, setting course for Earth and entering Hyperspace. 
== The Death of Keith Cumshoes ==
Keith Cumshoes and Rick Hernia lay burning in the pulsar's beam, watching as the light around them exploded, bending into never-before-seen spectrums. They laughed, and cried, and reminisced on their time as children, and their good memories producing music together. They'd both accepted what was about to happen; that their lives were about to end, forever. And maybe that brough them some sense of peace. 
Suddenly, the pulsar's light was sucked away; and the pulsar itself was sucked away, and all of the surrounding light was sucked down the drain of the black hole that had once been Keith's Pulsar. and Keith Cumshoes and Rick Hernia felt their atoms being tugged toward this black hole; watching as massive chunks of Septigia were strung out and spaghettified, swallowed by the Black Hole before them. 
But Rick looked to Keith, and Keith looked to Rick, and the two grinned, thoroughly charred and damaged, and held their hands in what they assumed to be their last moments. 
Rick gave Keith's hand a squeeze, and raised his middle finger up to his best friend, before exhaling, one last time, and letting go, once again, of his corporeal form, just as he had all those years ago in Alexandria. His body exploded into glorious metaphysical energy; Legumish flames wrapping themselves around Keith and healing his wounds, imbuing him with incredible energy. And Keith, despite the awesome power of the black hole, tore away from it's gravitational pull, spiraling outward at 10x the speed of light, the Legume's energies alone coursing through his body and veins. This, dear reader, was Keith Cumshoes' Legumish Incarnate. He was surrounded in Legumish fire, breathing and living the Omniverse itself, and rocketed across space to Ghetsin 3, where he crash-landed in a crater, outside of the Temple of Rannjoe. The Warshippers found Keith; but they also found Rick, and quietly brought the two back inside, nursing them back to health. 
== Epilogue ==
When Director Phovus returned, he informed Inspector Ellis that Keith and he had both narrowly escaped the explosion of Keith's Pulsar. Phovus flamed the Inspector for sending them both to their deaths. Director Phovus was quoted as having said, "If Rick Hernia ever meets you, you're going to be one sorry fucker". When asked whether he had discovered the origins of who had killed the men at Dunestorm Fortress, Phovus replied, "No, I had no idea, and the star exploded before I could properly conduct any research. Inspector Ellis is a [REDACTED] [REDACTED] piece of Mopplesnoff [REDACTED]. " 
As if things couldn't have gotten any more rotten, however, the Mummy, basing his claims on absolutely no evidence, and having not spoken to Phovus at all since the latter's return, declared to his cabinet that the Combine was 'almost certainly' behind this attempt on Phovus and Keith's lives. Hence, Mummy's cabinet and WATO began privately preparing for war- and 9 years later, on the 20,000th anniversary of the Waifurian Empire's official creation, Joe Biden declared war once again on the Combine Empire, kickstarting a costly, unnecessary and disastrous Second Great META War. Rick Hernia was a major player in this conflict, despite his revelations on Septigia, prompting many Omniversal Historians to question a great many details about the 'Chosen One's character. 
A conspiracy theory did exist that the Waifurian Empire orchestrated the collapse of Keith's Pulsar for political reasons, however, we are not at liberty to confirm nor deny these reports. 
Category:Events