Transcripts 2003-02

Transcripts from February 2003 strips.
==February 3==
Panel 1Close-up of Kevin making an angry face, one eye squinting.Caption: February 28thKevin: You might be wondering why I've brought you back to the office Chris! Well, even though you don't deserve it, I thought you'd like to see your life's work go online!Panel 2Front view of Kevin standing at his desk (itself off-panel). A framed certificate hangs on the wall behind him.Kevin: You know Chris, for someone infinitely smarter then anyone else I know, you ain't 'alf a stupid bugger! I mean your insight into A.I. is 20 years ahead of everyone else's, yet you step out in front of a bus! Do you know we've had to GUESS how the Oracle works without your help!Panel 3Kevin leans down and crosses his arms, resting his head on the desk as he stares at an urn with a small plaque on its front.Kevin: *sigh* You stupid, STUPID bastard!
==February 7==
Panel 1Susan stares at Kevin in disbelief as Kevin glares at her over his shoulder, holding the top of the urn.Susan: I still can't believe you stole his ashes!Kevin: Well I did! Get over it!Panel 2Susan continues staring as Kevin walks away.Susan: Well, what about his family? Won't they want him back?Kevin: I don't care! If you'd have seen his family, you wouldn't either! God, I feel like the only person in the world who appreciated that work shy little tit for the genius he was! They were going to throw him in the damn Themes! Anyone who knew him knows he hates water! Fuck em!Panel 3Close-up of Kevin's hand shakily placing Chris's urn on top of the Oracle's main server.Kevin: Right Sue, he's going to sit here with his baby until I say different!Susan (off-panel): But...Kevin: Whoever has a problem with that will wake up on the Job centre floor!
==February 10==
Panel 1Completely black-and-white monochrome comic, centering on a deliberately silhouetted character to obscure the speaker's identity. The speaker is on the phone with someone else, but neither names the other. Likely identities are the Governor and Kevin, in some order, but also the Governor and a higher authority. A window with a silhouetted skyline is in the background.Phone: ... This isn't acceptable you know! It was hard enough to cover Reed's links with us without this mess!Speaker: Don't worry sir, I've taken care of the local press...Speaker: However the incriminating evidence is now sitting on top of the main server and the staff threaten to strike if we remove it!Panel 2The speaker turns away from the camera.Phone: Pah! Let them keep it! Losing Reed was a bad enough a blow to the project, so we don't want to upset the others and lose them too! Not yet anyway! Besides, who will ever find it!Speaker: True, and once the system is fully functional, it'll more or less run itself!Speaker: I must hand it to the late Mr Reed, a computer system that improves it self and fixes it's own bugs is truly remakable...Panel 3Side view of the speaker, who is grinning.Phone: And labour saving yes? Once it is functional I want you to move anyone smarter then a radish away from the system and replace them with dumb hardware nuts just to keep it running!Speaker: Yes sir! Also the encryption system is finished! Now no one knows what jobs the system is running without clearance!Phone: Good! I shan't keep you any longer then!
==February 14==
Flash animation (backup)Caption: Some years later...Shot of the stand housing Chris's urn, with a plaque at the bottom reading,Christopher Reed1977 - 2003Standing on the shoulders of giants.The camera pans upward to show the urn within the stand, and atop the stand a device projecting a hologram of the Oracle's "triangle" face.A new camera view shows that the Oracle is behind First Advisor Norman Gates, who is slumped in his seat and resting his face on his fist, blinking slowly.A new camera view shows an exterior shot of the Inglorious as it passes near Earth.
==February 17==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
HeaderDEALING WITH A HIGHLY POSSIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK!Panel 1Unspecified man with stick-figure arms and hands against his head has bulging, panicked eyes and is sweating profusely.Caption: 1: PANIC! Remember terrorists are everywhere and it's patriotic to massively over react and report in any foreign looking people to the police!Panel 2A deformed old-style television set with dials on the side and a wire clothes hanger "antenna" displays a generic Fox News anchor holding up papers and screaming his head off, tongue sticking out as he shouts.Caption: 2: Listen for bulletins and advice given to you by the totally unbiased news networks!Broadcast: "YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T DO EVERYTHING THE GOVERNMENT TELLS YOU!Panel 3Guy from panel 1 pushes a shopping trolley piled high with boxes.Caption: 3: Stockpile duct-tape and plastic sheeting! Why? Becase we said so, that's why!Guy (thinking): I hope this is enough!Panel 4A cartoon house, essentially a square with a roof and a chimney, has the three front-facing windows and door sealed with plastic sheeting and duct tape.Caption: 4: Tape up every window and bock every air vent in your home!Panel 5Guy from panel 1 is inside the cartoon house and asphyxiating with a "GARRK!" noise as he grabs his throat, Xs in his eyes and tongue flopping out of his mouth. The room is dark and everything has been sealed with plastic sheeting and duct tape.Caption: This way no deadly gases like sarin or oxygen will be able to get into your home! As you slowly choke to death, be happy in the knowledge it was your own stupidity that killed you and not terrorists!Panel 6Al gives a halfhearted hand gesture toward the previous panel(s).Al: "Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." I believe Herman Goering said that! I'm not calling Bush a Nazi, but just keep in mind that it's not only terrorists that profit by scaring you shitless!Sub-caption: I'll shut up now!
==February 21==
Panel 1Richard is standing, arms crossed, and staring at the floor with a concerned look. Norman is standing next to him and gesturing optimistically. There is a stand with a book and a blue vase on it in the background.Richard: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this Norman!Norman: Yeah, but you've got to admit that it works!Panel 2Kingston is lying in front of a door with his back pushed against it. He has a groggy, half-awake expression and "drunk" bubbles over his head.Richard (off-panel): Okay I'll give you that, and this is the first time I've ever seen Kingston do something useful... but using him as a draught excluder?Norman (off-panel): Well I was cold and he's too fucking stoned to care so why not?Richard (off-panel): He might puke on my carpet! That's why not!
==February 24==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Al is sitting down with a computer tower, CRT monitor, and webcam. Beneath him sounds a "CRACK!" noise.Al (thinking): Sweet! With the £550 I've got from the very kind people out there, my birthday money and some commission work, I should have the cash for the US trip!Panel 2Al bends down to examine a particularly busted chair, the arm rest coming apart completely. A bed with yellow sheets is in the background.Al (thinking): Dammit! The frame's cracked! I can patch it up for now, but I'll have to ask for a new chair instead of money for my birthday as this one has had it! Well I don't like asking for money anyway!Panel 3Al frowns in anger at the computer screen, which is "speaking" a frowning face emoji with its tongue sticking out.Al (thinking): What the hell! I've been losing email! There are two bits of commission work I almost missed and god knows what I have lost out on!Al (thinking): ...and where the hell is that bloody chirping noise coming from?Panel 4The camera zooms out to show Al sitting with arms crossed in the haphazardly repaired chair and glaring at the computer giving off heat waves. An industrial shelf is in the background, holding assorted boxes. A door, a pinboard with some notes on it, and a surge protector are on the perpendicular wall.Al (thinking): Oh, it's my hard-drive! You know, this could be a CIA plot to keep my out of the USA and oppose Bush's views... or I'm just an unlucky bastard! No, it's definitely CIA ninjas that broke my chair and sabotaged my hard-drive and email! Damn those ninjas!
==February 28==
Single PanelRichard is soaking wet and in his underwear, wringing out his shirt, ears folded back as he glares at Norman. Norman looks away angrily and shrugs as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. There is a stain on the ceiling and one of the stairs in the background, as well as a large puddle at the base of the stairs.Norman: That's not true! I've complied with all the house resolutions! I've no explosives on this property!Alka seltzer and baking soda are legal substances last time I looked!Who knew that pouring them into a washing machine would make it explode like it did?
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