Work Schedule

Hey, Jim! Just thought I'd reach out to you before you begin your first day of work. Your department is a unique one, so hopefully you'll find this useful. I know you've read through our company's policies as described in your manual (the one you received after signing your non-disclosure contract), but I wanted to touch base with you nonetheless. Take this as me extending a friendly hand, as proof of my faith in you. 
With that in mind, recognize this as just a few reminders, nothing more. 
Starting off, we do have a few coffee machines around the building. Expresso, decaf, whatever you want, feel free to indulge. Just don't let those coffee breaks distract you from work!
Be sure to arrive on time every day! I know that's a given for any job, but I'd feel remiss to not mention it.
Treat your coworkers with respect! They come here each and every day with a fiery passion! Their dedication to work is as strong as yours is, and cooperation and good workplace etiquette is highly conducive to an optimal workplace environment!
Such workplace etiquette includes but is not limited to: 
Minimizing all cellphone use, (in fact, your phones will be collected at the beginning of the day, and returned to you at the end of your shift. Company-issued phones must be used for all internal communication. These phones can only call numbers which correspond with other company phones.)
Respecting other people's personal space!
Respecting the religious, cultural, and political beliefs of your coworkers!
Lastly, but certainly not least, every worker with adept workplace etiquette knows to maintain a happy, can do attitude!
Now that we've gotten down the basics and pleasantries, let's move on to the more serious elements of your job. 
Do not leak any internal information to the public. This includes information about company policy, information about company merchandise, information about company personnel, and information about the location of company property. 
Please treat all of our merchandise with the utmost care! Our company's assets are of great importance to us. We have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the damaging of our products. As was indicated by your thorough background check, we take this as seriously as possible, given the nature of our merchandise. 
Merchandise will require consistent, daily care. Details about how to care for our merchandise can be found in section 2.2B of the pamphlet you were issued following upon being accepted into the organization.
Remember, our patrons are here to see our merchandise, not you! As such, you should act accordingly. Be as attentive to the needs of our patrons as possible. While customer service is appreciated, don't go overboard and become a distraction to our guests.
Should a patron express interest in purchasing some of our merchandise, guide them to the nearest administration booth. Do not inquire about the identity or financial details of our patrons. 
Do not inquire about the identity of our administration. if you ever know who they are, know that there is a serious issue.
Furthermore, do not inquire about the identities of your coworkers. It is important to leave personal relationships outside of the workplace to maintain a professional environment!
Finally, and most importantly, please remember that no merchandise may leave the premises. 
Do remember that any violation of these rules will result in your employment being terminated, swiftly and permanently.
Have a wonderful first shift, Jim. Remember to take pride in your work, and I'm sure your relationship with the company will be a long lasting one! 
-Administration
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Category:Weird