Advice No One Asked For - Number Four/Transcript

Advice No One Asked For - Number Four is the fourth episode of Buckley's "Advice No One Asked For" series.  It is currently only available at his website, in the "Supplements" section.
Description (as seen on the website): A month without helping people...how'd that happen?!  An all new "Advice No One Asked For", where I help a young man with his girl troubles.
==Transcript==
(introduction music playing in the following paragraph)
Welcome to "Advice No One Asked For".  If you're new to the site, or have short term memory problems, this is the segment where I dispense advice to a lucky individual who made the mistake of asking the question to someone who wasn't me in the first place.  Obstacles such as not being famous or not being qualified to give advice aren't gonna stand in my way of helping losers.  Here's today's question.  
Dear someone else,
My girlfriend is very sweet.  The problem is, she wants to have sex with me!  I don't think I am ready for that.  I also don't know how to approach my parents about this.  I really need some help, FAST! 
Signed, Not Ready In Connecticut
Now, let's assume that little Connecticut here is somewhere around thirteen, fourteen - he could be older, but hopefully we're not talking about someone in their twenties or thirties here.  Anyway, what the hell is wrong with you?  Your little skank girlfriend wants some action, and you're not putting out?  Is it 'cause you think your cock is too small, or that you're not gonna be any good or something?  'Cause that's not gonna matter at your age.  Again, assuming you're only in your early teens and so is she, her hopeful lack of experience means she should have no idea if whether what you're doing is any good or not, which is a free pass for you to pretty much be awful, but still blow your load.  Of course, if she's raring to go because she's become a little slut as a result of some past abuse...well, again, it's not gonna really be important that you're any good - you should likely be a better experience for her than whatever relative fingered her in her sleep and made her turn out the way she did.  And as for talking to your parents?  Well, I'll tell you how that's gonna go.  Your mom will say, "Well son, you should wait until you're ready, which hopefully won't be until you're thirty because you'll always be my little man!" and your dad will just nod but secretly be wondering if it was something that he did that turned his son into such a nancy-boy that he won't bang his own girlfriend, and will go out and buy you a box of condoms, setting up the most awkward gift-giving session of your young life.  So, time to become a man, Connecticut.  Wrap it up and bang her, or suffer through the next few years of her telling all her friends that you're gay, because you didn't want to pound her trashy little hole.  
(introductory music playing)
I'm Buckley, and you're welcome.
Category:Transcripts