One Direction/Transcript

video|right|300px right|300px 
The following is a transcript of "One Direction", the tenth episode of the A Dose of Buckley feature Musical Autopsy.
==Transcript==
===Introduction===
This is Musical Autopsy, the feature at A Dose of Buckley where I make another trip to the Musical Morgue, drag a stiff from the drawers, and start slicin'. Today on the table, it's the group One Direction.
One Direction song "What Makes You Beautiful" plays.
"You're insecure
Don't know what for
You're turnin' heads when you walk
through the do-o-or"
Ah, boy bands. Just when you think they're dead, they rise from the grave like metrosexual zombies. The late '80s to mid-'90s saw the monstrous popularity of New Kids on the Block, the Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, and at least a dozen or more other knock-offs. But then we hit the turn of the century, and the traditional boy band sort of fizzled. Sure, there was that N K O T B S B tour, which, by the way - wouldn't that stand for "New Kids on the Backstreet Boys"? Seems a little...you know. Anyway, but there was nothing really all that new in the world of boy bands - until One Direction, credited as one of the groups to really bring back the popularity of boy bands, the other being the Wanted, and you know what that means. Males 13 to 35 hate them, with a passion! It doesn't matter what they do; they're a boy band, a collection of white pretty-boys who don't play any instruments, so they're automatically hated, and equally infuriating to this demographic, the fact that they sing songs that are clearly designed to make girls fall in love with them - for example, their first big hit, "What Makes You Beautiful".
===The Autopsy===
Let's skip straight to the chorus...
"What Makes You Beautiful" continues at chorus; lyrics appear.
"Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell
You don't know (Oh Oh)
You don't know you're beautiful"
...An anthem for plain Janes everywhere and the guys who want them; One Direction is trying to boost the self-esteem of females who don't know they're attractive. You have to admit at least that the message is positive, even if it's so fucking sugar-coated, it'll give you diabetes just by listening to it.
Song continues.
"If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know (Oh Oh)
You don't know you're beautiful"
This is the type of song that makes young girls scream! When this song is performed live, if they look into a girl's eyes and sing those lyrics, that girl will either faint or start crying tears of ultra-joy, or scream her stupid little hormonal face off.
"That's what makes you beautiful"
Whoa, wait, hold on; what makes her beautiful is the fact that she doesn't know she's beautiful?! Maybe these dudes aren't as noble as I thought; I mean, guys, we've all been there, thought, "That chick looks like easy prey," and like a lion to a wounded gazelle, you move in for the kill. It's a dick thing to do, but since we're all filthy animals, it happens. Anyway, we move on to their other big hit in North America, "One Thing".
One Direction - One Thing plays; lyrics appear.
"I've tried playing it cool
But when I'm looking at you
I can't ever be brave
'Cause you make my heart race
Shot me out of the sky
You're my kryptonite
You keep making me weak
Yeah, frozen and can't breathe
Something's gotta give now
'Cause I'm dying just to make you see
That I need you here with me now
'Cause you've got that one thing"
Hey, look, another song about wanting to be with a girl. In fact, it's practically the same song! We got it; you're in love with a girl - nothing at all specific about this dream gal, though, because you want your key fanbase, 12- to 16-year-old girls, to be able to imagine themselves as that chick, so they'll buy your albums and posters and tickets to your concerts and whatever else the label can slap your faces on. So, One Direction: a bunch of British pretty-boys taking the U.S. by storm by singing stupid songs about being in love with girls.
...Wait, hold on here. Where have I heard that before? Hm...if only I could think of another example.
Flashback sound plays, followed by beginning of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles; lyrics appear.
"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand"
Oh hohohoho, shit! How pissed are you right now? How fucking ready are you to stop this video, go to my channel, click "Unsubscribe", and comment about how much you hate me right now?! Comparing One Direction to The Beatles?! Blasphemy!!! But it's really not. I'm gonna bet 99% of the people who listen to this were not alive when The Beatles first performed in the U.S.A. in 1964. Their first big singles - "I Want to Hold Your Hand", "She Loves You", and "Love Me Do" - are poppy songs with incredibly simple lyrics designed to dampen the panties of girls everywhere. If you had have been the same age as you are now, and you currently don't like One Direction, Justin Bieber, or any other male pop act...you would have hated The Beatles at the time!
Of course, the Beatles played their own instruments and were far more talented, and those early songs were just the ticket to write much better and more interesting songs like "Eleanor Rigby", "Lady Madonna", "Hey Jude", "Come Together", and dabble in more experimental stuff like "Strawberry Fields" and "I Am the Walrus". But when they hit the shores of America in 1964, they were no better than the boy bands of today, and anyone who disputes that is just simply in denial. Of course, there's about a 99% chance that One Direction isn't going to do anything different; that all they'll ever be is a pop group singing songs for little girls, until, of course, their fanbase gets bored of them and moves on to the next thing, and they'll just be forgotten in a few years. But whenever you hate a boy band simply because they sing stupid, poppy songs for little girls, just remember: one of the most beloved and influential rock-and-roll bands of all time did it too.
This has been Musical Autopsy - bag it and tag it.
Sound of zipper plays; video ends.
Category:Transcripts