VonGoutonBlog

Three of my friends and I used to run a few Psychonauts roleplay accounts on Tumblr. Each of us had a different character, and it was fun. It was akin to those "ask (insert someone here)" blogs that some people run, where we'd reply in-character and give some insight. It was sort of satirical, with some answers being more funny than anything else, but we were serious about it as a group. With the way we set it up, each of us had a patient from Thorny Towers (the insane asylum from the original Psychonauts), and we'd act like we were living together. 
My friend, Zoe, had Edgar Teglee, the one-track-minded artist still reminiscing over his lost high-school love. It fit Zoe quite well, as she was quiet and reserved, often drawing instead of talking to others.
Another friend, Sean, had Boyd Cooper, the conspiracy theory-obsessed security guard and the only part that the rest of the Internet seems to remember about the game. Sean was a joker, so it fit him well.
I had Fred Bonaparte, a former orderly and descendant of Napoleon who was neurotic and had trouble with failure. I related to him quite a bit, as I tend to make mountains out of molehills.
My best friend, Miranda, had Gloria Von Gouton, the ex-actress who suffers from severe mood swings and depression after the death of her mother. Her account, vongoutonblog, will be the focus of this piece. More specifically, as a memorial to an amazing girl. Telling her story in hopes that someone finds meaning out of it, or that feeling that they're not alone in this world.
Miranda was quite naive when it came to the internet, and was always watching her behavior. She never swore, she never made any sexual jokes, she never talked bad about other people. She had the patience of a saint. Her blog was the cleanest out of ours, so believe me, I was concerned when this all began.
The account used a "tagging system" to show who was speaking, like the others. This was how we answered questions as mental figures, like the painter dogs in Edgar's mind or The Milkman in Boyd's. Gloria's had three main characters she'd respond as. Herself, Bonita Soleil (a younger, shining version of Gloria that takes her place in her mind), and Jasper Rolls (Gloria's severe inner critic, who was quite snarky when questions were asked about him). She refused to answer questions as Becky Houndstooth (A mental figure that's Gloria's attempt to control her mind, and an anxious wreck), which I thought was odd. 
Bonita's answers were the closest to how Miranda actually typed, being quite loose and sometimes abbreviating words like "you" (u) and "I don't know" (idk).
It started out pretty normal, Miranda would often joke about Gloria's mental figures being only seen by her. She once even tried showing a poster of Bonita to the others when nothing was there to everyone else. Gloria sometimes went on rants about how she was mistreated in her youth, which may have seemed like a cry for help, but was entirely in-character. I never took anything she said under the account too seriously, at least until October 11th, 2019.
This was when she posted something alarming.
It was a short text post that said "I knew you didn't have it in you to say no, give it to me, you know I want it."
Soon, she reblogged this post, adding another mysterious quote. This one I didn't remember that well at first, but Zoe messaged me when I asked and said it was something along the lines of "i'll show the world how much of a nasty ▇▇▇▇ you are." Zoe also said that Miranda apparently censored it herself, as she didn't feel comfortable with even typing it.
The blogs resumed as normal for around a month afterwards, but on December 1st, the profile picture was briefly changed to picture of Bonita Soleil. This wasn't that strange, but something else was posted. It was a picture of a dark bedroom, with a broken necklace lying on the bed. It was air-dry clay, painted yellow and orange, a sun. It had been shattered into several large pieces with what looked like either a hammer or someone's fist. The caption of the image read "what’s the matter? can’t you take a little criticism?" Which is a quote from Jasper Rolls, seen in-game after you defeat him.
Miranda sent a few messages to me as well, saying that she didn't feel safe and would be deleting her Facebook soon. I was very confused about what she meant and tried asking her what was up, but she refused to elaborate. Whatever it was, though, I knew it was bad.
One day at school, she had a mental breakdown in the middle of gym and got sent home by the school counselor. I still remember it, watching her collapse on the ground in a sobbing mess, immediately after punching a boy in the face. I saw how unkempt she was compared to how she was a few months back. Portions of her hair were stuck together from the oils produced by her scalp. Her face was pale. There were bags under her eyes. She hadn't slept, or even showered, in days. I was scared for her, but kept silent about it. I wish I didn't.
When I got home, I checked my computer and saw that vongoutonblog had posted again. This time, it was a drawing of a nude woman trying to cover herself while a crowd of people around her took photos. The woman looked like Bonita, but had the facial features of Miranda and similar clothes to what she wore that day lied on the ground. She stopped replying to everyone's texts. She cut off contact with everyone. At school, there was an empty desk in every class I was in. Heck, I'd become more withdrawn as well, shying away from talking to people besides Sean and Zoe, who I'd grown closer too. We were all worried for her.
On the night of February 6th, she added her last post. I still think about it, it's almost daily. I think about all the things I could've said instead of being silent. Zoe and Sean feel the same way.
"You all will remember my face and name. The beautiful sun will set, and so will that disgusting parasite attached to her. I'm sorry, everyone. I'll say his name, what else will he do to hurt me, after all? His name is Jasper Winthrop, and all his friends will know what he did."
"It's not funny anymore."
The next morning, I got the news that Miranda hung herself. Her mom found her when she went to her room to wake her up. Her computer was left open, showing private messages between vongoutonblog and what seemed to be a burner account. She had told this anonymous account that she was going to "do it", and he said "go ahead, no one will miss you!" I got the call from her mother while I was packing up my school supplies, and I burst into tears. 
I had no motivation for the next few days. My grades slipped, I stopped paying attention in class. My dad scolded me for it, but I just sat there and took it. Neither of my parents knew what had happened to Miranda, or even that I had a Tumblr account. If they found out, they would've been livid. Now, though, I'm free to admit it. I wish Miranda was still around to talk to. She was always there for me. If only I was there for her. If only I was her Raz, willing to help her break free from that parasite's grasp. If only I stood up for her. 
Please, if anyone you know is going through something similar, tell someone you trust. Don't keep it a secret, don't keep it behind the curtains. Tell them that their feelings are valid, and treat every threat seriously. Every day, I walked to the park and sat on the hill me and Miranda first met at, wondering what I could do.
I finally found my answer.
Category:Psychonauts
Category:Blog posts
Category:Computers and Internet
Category:Suicide
Category:Real Life
Category:Sadpasta
Category:Video Games
Category:Death
Category:Feelspasta
Category:Internet
Category:Sutinnit's Shed