New Squidward Chat in Court

"New Squidward Chat in Court" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.
==Characters==
*Elmo 3V announcer
*Jeremy Kyle
*Johnny
*Lisa
*Mark
*Audience
*Squidward Tentacles
*Officers
*Eugene H. Krabs
*Super Grover
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Narrator
*Squilliam Fancyson
*Richard A. Bottomfeeder
*Courtroom
*Mark Austin
*
*
*Matthias
* (cameo)
*John (also known as New Squidward Chat producer)
*Staff members
*Patrick Star
*New Squidward Chat cameraman
*Expert
==Transcript==
Elmo 3V announcer: You’re watching Elmo 3V. Unfortunately, due to recent events, we are unable to broadcast New Squidward Chat… Instead, we have The Jeremy Kyle Show.
[show starts]
Jeremy Kyle: On today’s show…
[various clips of Johnny, Lisa and Mark from The Room (2003) on the set of Jeremy Kyle play]
Johnny: Why, Lisa, why? Please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you’re everything! I could not go on without you, Lisa!
Lisa: You’re scaring me.
Johnny: [stands up] You are lying! I never hit you! [yelling] YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!
Lisa: [also yelling] WHY ARE YOU SO HYSTERICAL?!
Johnny: [pushes Lisa over] DO YOU UNDERSTAND LIFE?!
Audience: OHHHHH!
Jeremy Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa-
Johnny: DO YOU?!
[different clip]
Mark: Come on, whose baby is it? Is it mine?
Lisa: No, of course not.
Mark: How can you be sure?
Lisa: JUST SHUT UP! [slaps Mark, Jeremy runs up]
Jeremy Kyle: What are you doing?!
[different clip]
Jeremy Kyle: When is… the baby due?
Lisa: There is no baby.
Audience: OHHHHH!
Jeremy Kyle: What?!
[The Jeremy Kyle Show theme plays, a headline appears on-screen saying “Can you really trust anyone?” The audience cheers as Jeremy Kyle enters the set.]
Jeremy Kyle: Hello my friends, good morning and a big big welcome to the show! Now, you might be wondering what has happened to New Squidward Chat. Well…
[cut to a police car being driven to a police station. Two officers are taking Squidward to his cell, he’s a little upset.]
Squidward: NEW SQUIDWARD CHAT HAS RUINED MY LIFE! Who is supposed to take over the show? Who do they think is better than me? Is there anyone better than me?! [turns to one of the officers] Do you think there’s someone better at hosting the show than me?
Officer: I’ve never seen New Squidward Chat.
Squidward: [angry, in a pitch so high that it is almost inaudible] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
[the officers throw Squidward into a cell]
Squidward: THEY PUT ME UP TO IT! THEY FUCKING PUT ME UP TO IT! PATRICK DID NOT DIE ON MY SHOW, IT’S NOT TRUE! IT’S BULLSHIT, HE DID NOT DIE ON MY SHOW! HE DID NOT! [turns around, there’s someone else in his cell] Oh hi, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Mr. Squidward! What are you in for?
Squidward: I have a problem with my chat show, they think SpongeBob accidentally killed Patrick and we covered it up.
Mr. Krabs: What? Well, did you?
Squidward: Uh… Maybe.
Mr. Krabs: That would explain why he was acting so strange.
Squidward: What are you in for?
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, do you remember the cryptocurrency stuff I got myself into early this year?
Squidward: [sighs] Yes.
Mr. Krabs: After all of that happened, I wasn’t allowed to leave the Krusty Krab. Then, when SpongeBob went missing, I decided to go and search for him. Now I’m stuck here until my trial.
[Squidward starts thinking]
Squidward: You know, maybe I overreacted when I was talking to the prison officers earlier.
[someone else is being taken to the cell]
Voice: THIS IS A NATIONAL DISGRACE! JOE BIDEN’S COMMUNIST AMERICA HAS GONE AFTER ANOTHER INNOCENT PERSON! DONALD J. TRUMP WOULD NEVER HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN! FAKE NEWS!
Mr. Krabs: I don’t think you reacted enough, Mr. Squidward.
[Super Grover is thrown into the cell]
Squidward: WHAT?! Is this some sort of reunion?! [SpongeBob is also thrown into the cell] I guess it is.
Super Grover: This is a sad day for our country… We’ve been indicted by the radical left, they’re wild animals. Russia! Russia! Russia! Ukraine! Ukraine! Ukraine!
Mr. Krabs: I’m sure we can get ourselves out of this situation.
Super Grover: DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THEY’RE GOING TO APPOINT A COMMUNIST DEMOCRATIC JUDGE! THIS ISN’T A FAIR TRIAL!
Squidward: I’m sure the Judge will be completely impartial and understand our sides of the story.
[theme music starts playing]
Narrator: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Squilliam Fancyson. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Squilliam.
[Mr. Krabs and his lawyer Richard A. Bottomfeeder are entering the courtroom]
Narrator: Mr. Krabs is in court over alleged fraud and money laundering after the collapse of his cryptocurrency firm KTX. The police claim they found 4 billion dollars hidden in his mattress.
Squilliam: [looking at the paperwork] OK, so… I have no idea what any of these words mean. Can I be given a basic rundown so we can quickly come to a verdict?
Mr. Krabs: Well, uh… Uh… [whispering to Richard A. Bottomfeeder] What’s your name again? [Bottomfeeder looks unimpressed]
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: Your honour, my client is guilty of all charges.
[the entire courtroom gasps]
Mr. Krabs: What?!
Squilliam: So he was knowingly committing fraud?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: Yep.
Squilliam: Causing loads of people to lose their money?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: Yep.
Squilliam: And then when things started to go bad, he hid all of his money in his bed?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: Of course!
Squilliam: Well, this is easy.
Mr. Krabs: Judge, can you excuse me for one second? [talking to Bottomfeeder] What do you think you’re doing? I didn’t pay you for this.
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: You’re not paying me…
[flashback, Mr. Krabs is at the Krusty Krab showing Richard A. Bottomfeeder his charge sheet.]
Mr. Krabs: OK so I did all of this. 100% guilty, no sane person could find me innocent. They have all of the evidence they need to put me in jail… Can you convince me and the court that I’m innocent?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: …what sort of question is that? You just confessed to all of your crimes in front of me.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I know.
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: …so what do you want me to do?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don’t know… Lie?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: [suddenly has a change of heart] You know what, you’ve got a deal.
Mr. Krabs: Yippee! [begins to celebrate]
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: On one condition.
Mr. Krabs: [his mood changes] What’s that?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: [hands him a receipt] Here’s your bill, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Well, I knew this was coming. Let's see what the damage is. [reads receipt] Only one million dollars. That's not so bad. [runs up to the cash register] I'll just subtract it from today's profit. [opens the register, but it's empty] And...there's no money in here. [laughs] How delightful… Can you do it for free?
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: [reluctantly] Fine.
[end of flashback]
Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah. Good point.
Squilliam: I guess I can come to my verdict then. [looks through notes again] Say. What is this “cryptocurrency” anyway?
[a lightbulb appears above Mr. Krabs’ head]
Mr. Krabs: Cryptocurrency is the future! In fact, I am working on making my own coin called Krabcoin. You should invest, Fancyson. We could be millionaires.
Squilliam: [pause] Go on…
Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money!
Squilliam: Mm, you got me there. I find Mr. Krabs not guilty!
Richard A. Bottomfeeder: WHAT?!
Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money!
[Cuts to an Elmo News flash, Mark Austin is outside the court]
Mark Austin: Good evening, pedophiles! Just some, uhh, breaking news coming into us... Now. Mr. Krabs has been found NOT GUILTY, of uhh, Money laundering and… Fraud. Joining me now, is Elmo News crime correspondent, Cookie Monster. Good evening, daddy, what was it like in the court today?
Cookie Monster: There are about a dozen people in there and one judge. If I was a terrorist, I could’ve killed them all.
Mark Austin: [chuckles] OK, Cookie Monster, thank you very much indeed. Now. How do you tell a news channel that their lead presenter is a sex offender?
[back in court. Super Grover is entering.]
Narrator: Super Grover is in court over several sexual offences. Including kidnapping children.
[Super Grover’s lawyers, Markiplier and Matthias, enter. Squilliam is immediately confused.]
Squilliam: Really? You have presented a primetime show for years and these are the best lawyers you could find.
Super Grover: Come on, give them chance, they can be great lawyers!
Squilliam: Fair enough. What are your names?
Matthias: My name is jason and I am a friend of sean dominic and I think we should get talk sometime.
Super Grover: That’s… that’s not your name?
Markiplier: Just to let you all know. [pointing to himself] This man, Markiplier, does not condom the smoking of any herbal substances.
Squilliam: Alright… Uh, Markiplier, why don’t you start us off?
Markiplier: All girls with 15 must sex by me. :)
[silence]
Super Grover: Oh God.
Matthias: I’m only human! And I breed when I fall down.
Squilliam: This is going to take a while. [he starts going through a massive book of notes for the case.] Hm. [he picks up a photo of Super Grover in blackface.] What’s this?
[the entire courtroom gasps again.]
Markiplier: [pointing at Super Grover] Not to be fronted but why is your black?!
Matthias: So stocked right now!
Markiplier: That’s racist shirt!
Super Grover: THOSE PICTURES WERE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!
Squilliam: How many times did you do blackface?
Super Grover: I… I don’t know.
Squilliam: Interesting… [still looking through all of the evidence] While I look through this, Super Grover, why don’t you tell me a bit about your political views?
Super Grover: Oh that’s eas-
Matthias: Traditional marriage is gods way anything else is obimination.
Super Grover: [pause] I agree with that. But seriously, I went to see the doctor the other day. The doctors said they’ve never seen a body like mine. They tested my DNA and it wasn’t DNA. It was USA.
Squilliam: What did you go to the doctors for? Did you have COVID?
Super Grover: [starts to laugh] What? The Coronavirus is so obviously fake. [laughs] I can’t believe you’d fall for such liberal propaganda.
Matthias: If I can’t see the pandemic the pandemic doesn’t exist. Words that I will you for a live time. ✋😔🤚
Super Grover: I really couldn't agree more. Finally, someone with sense!
Squilliam: [going through all of the evidence] Awful lot of women in these images. [turns the page] And some men. What happened to all of them, Super Grover?
Super Grover: They’re just my fri-
Markiplier: All raped in a taco.
Super Grover: WHAT?! NO! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!
Markiplier: Smoking on dat dojah, I done got a bag for cheap [BLEEP] eyes are barely open.
Squilliam: NO N WORDS IN THE COURT!
Matthias: [BLEEP] dats insects.
Squilliam: [still going through the evidence] I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Super Grover is guilty right?
Super Grover: I tried, so hard… And got so far, but… In the end, it doesn’t even matter.
Markiplier: Super Grover, Squilliam, I can explain. I was playing this game and when the thing from the pciture I was trying to click and leave because I looked at it but it wouldn’t and it is 4 in the morning and i t came up and I HATE THEM!
Squilliam: What you just said, Markiplier… Makes me want to chug some bleach, so, if you excuse me.
Markiplier: WAIT, one more thing. Squilliam, you should get a Granny! You are really good if it comes to music! Please get it someday! :)
Squilliam: [smiling] Alright, Super Grover isn’t guilty.
Super Grover: WOO! YEAH BABY! THERE IS A FAIR JUSTICE SYSTEM IN AMERICA AFTER ALL! USA! USA!
Squilliam: Thank you Markiplier. [Markiplier has vanished] Where did he go?
Matthias: Where is dildo?
[Cuts to an Elmo News flash, Mark Austin is outside the court]
Mark Austin: Some more breaking news, now. The right-wing commentator and Elmo News presenter, Super Grover, has been found not guilty of all charges. Well I can speak now to the child sex offender and former Lostprophets singer, Ian Watkins. Thank you for… Coming on to The News Hour, this evening. What are your thoughts on the verdict, I mean, there was a lot of evidence, why do you think the judge found him not guilty?
Ian Watkins: It was mega lolz.
Mark Austin: Alright, Ian Watkins, thank you very much indeed. Right. Time now for a game of… Among Us, the room code is-
[Super Grover runs past the camera, naked]
Super Grover: WOOOOOO!
Mark Austin: Thank… Thank you very much indeed, Super Grover.
[back in court]
Narrator: Squidward Tentacles and SpongeBob SquarePants are in court over the death of fellow crewmate [SpongeBot678 note: hahaaaaaa] Patrick Star on their talk show New Squidward Chat.
[Squilliam enters]
Squilliam: Hello… Peasants.
Squidward: [gasps] Squiiliam Fancyson?!
Squilliam: That’s right. I have my own court show on TV now. It’s a shame your show appears to have failed.
Squidward: Hmph.
Squilliam: Do you have a lawyer?
Squidward: Well… We did, but they couldn’t come because they… Died.
Squilliam: Oh. Really? Well, I’m- I’m sorry to hear that-
SpongeBob: [screaming and crying] NO! IT’S NOT TRUE! WE HAVE NO LAWYERS BECAUSE NOBODY WAS WILLING TO DEFEND US BECAUSE WE’RE OBVIOUSLY GUILTY! [breaks down in tears. Everyone in the courtroom gasps, Squilliam is smiling.]
Squilliam: Really?
Squidward: SpongeBob, what is wrong with you? Are you trying to get us killed?
SpongeBob: BUT IT’S TRUE!
Squilliam: Let’s get this case started. I call New Squidward Chat producer, John, to the stand!
[John slowly entering the courtroom is shown in full. There are no cuts whatsoever.]
Squilliam: John, you recorded some footage of what was going on behind the scenes and showed it in the New Squidward Chat season finale. Can you show that to the court?
John: Yes.
[2 staff members slowly bring in a TV so John can play the footage. Again, there are no cuts here. It’s for dramatic effect.]
[First clip is shown.]
SpongeBob: 3! 2! 1! Go! [launches Patrick from the cannon] Squidward refused to let us do this stunt at the start of the show because he was afraid we would mess it up. Pfft. What a load of- [glass can be heard shattering]
[next clip]
SpongeBob: [yelling] IT’S PATRICK! HE’S DEAD!
Squidward: What- [covers his mouth] what’s wrong with you?! What are you talking about?!
[cut to SpongeBob and Squidward looking at Patrick’s body from a broken window]
[next clip]
Squidward: What you need to do is take this shovel [hands him a shovel] and bury Patrick’s body. Got it?
SpongeBob: Yes sir! [he leaves] Eww, it's all icky and corpse-y!
[cuts back to the court. Nobody seems to be that bothered.]
Squilliam: Hmm. I’m not sure if there’s much that is incriminating here.
John: OK, how about this clip?
[another clip plays. They’ve just finished a New Squidward Chat episode.]
Cameraman: Cut! 
Squidward: Thanks very much. [everyone begins to pack up and leave] Does anyone ever say “you know what you’ve done a fucking good job ‘cause everyone else has sat on their arse and done nothing?” No, n- no signs of that? No?
[cuts back to the court. The entire courtroom gasps.]
Squilliam: HMMMMMMM. Well, interesting choice of language.
SpongeBob: [distressed] WHY ARE WE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? IT’S OBVIOUS WE DID IT! WE KILLED PATRICK! [starts banging on the desk] LOCK US UP! LOCK US UP! [starts crying]
Squidward: HOLD ON! Squi- uh- “Your Honour”, I have a question.
Squilliam: Go on…
Squidward: Was Patrick’s body ever found?
Squilliam: I- [goes through case notes] Well- [keeps going through pages trying to find something] No.
Squidward: …Patrick could still be alive.
Squilliam: What? Pfft, well, of course he’s dead. Hold on, can we get an expert in this court?
[an expert enters the court. Slowly.]
Squilliam: Based on the evidence, do you think Patrick is dead?
Expert: Yes.
[pause]
Squilliam: There you have it. Are you happy now, Squiddy?
Squidward: How can you guys be so sure?
John: I mean, you got SpongeBob to bury him. He must be dead.
[cut to Patrick at home watching this trial on TV]
Squidward: [yelling] JOHN I GAVE YOU 3 MONTHS OF WORK AND NOW YOU BETRAY ME! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!
SpongeBob: WHY HAVEN’T WE BEEN PUT BEHIND BARS YET?
Patrick: This show sucks. [he gets up and leaves his rock]
[back in court]
Squidward: SpongeBob, what is your problem?
Expert: Can I leave now?
Squilliam: No, we might need you again.
Squidward: How can we be sure Patrick is really dead? Did the police even check for his body?
Squilliam: Well, according to these documents, all of the police resources were used looking for SpongeBob after he disappeared. But… It’s pretty obvious Patrick is dead, right? I mean the expert said so.
Expert: Can I-
SpongeBob: I’M GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES!
Squilliam: You bring up a good point. I find SpongeBob and Squidward gui-
[Suddenly, someone else enters the courtroom.]
Squilliam: PATRICK?! [whole courtroom gasps]
Patrick: What is the deal with all these court shows? They’re all the exact same! Someone should stop this. This is the worst trial I have ever seen.
Squidward: Patrick, you’re alive!
Patrick: I am?
Squilliam: I- I don’t understand.
SpongeBob: Yay, I’m not guilty of manslaughter after all!
Squidward: Patrick, do you know what you’ve just done?
Patrick: I have saved daytime TV?
Squidward: Yeah!
SpongeBob: New Squidward Chat is back!
Squidward: John, you’re fired.
John: Aw man…
[Squilliam is completely frozen. A member of staff comes to his aide.]
Staff member: Squilliam?
Squilliam: I…
Staff member: Alright, Squilliam, let’s take you to bed. Squidward, SpongeBob and John, you’re free to leave!
Squidward and SpongeBob: Hooray!
[Squilliam is taken out of the courtroom, everyone else leaves. Except for the expert from earlier]
Expert: Can I go home now? I miss my cat. [the lights go out.] Guys?
[Cuts to another Elmo News flash, Mark Austin is outside the court]
Mark Austin: Some more breaking news now, Squidward and SpongeBob have been found not guilty of Patrick’s murder. New Squidward Chat will return next Sunday, we’ll have more on that story at the top of the hour!
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