Walking Skeleton/transcript

== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: March 26, 1994
Episode Copyrighted: 1994
This episode is rated TV-Y7 for The Expect Smart Actually Season 1. This is the thirty-sixth episode of The Expect Smart Actually.
The episode opens at Goo Lagoon. A small bulldozer approaches the Goo Lagoon sign, tears it out of the ground, and throws it away.
Lord Master Lox: *comes out of the bulldozer with my hard hat on, laughing evilly and puts down a couple of construction barriers, then takes out a megaphone and turns on* Attention, beach-goers! You are trespassing! You have exactly 17 minutes to haul your carcasses off the future site of the *puts up a sign* "Master Lox's Lair Master Lox's Mega Lair."
All that is heard is a loud squeaking noise that catches some of the beachgoers' attention.
Incidental 8: Do you hear something?
Incidental 41: *doesn't hear anything*
He shakes his head "no."
Incidental 155: *thinks the sound is coming from his megaphone*
He looks inside it, then turns it upside-down and shakes it.
Lord Master Lox: *angrily* Okay, have it your way. I don't mind bulldozing over each and every one–
Incidental 65: *grabs Master Lox's bulldozer* Mommy, look! Somebody left this toy tractor here.
Incidental 14: Put that down, Billy, that has germs on it.
Lord Master Lox: *frowns*
As his eyebrows droop and have germs on the tractor of car oil.
Incidental 65: *drops the bulldozer* Aw, mom.
Lord Master Lox: *talks through megaphone* You'll see. *throws away the megaphone* You'll all see! The future site of the Master Lox's Mega Lair must be clear to these cretinous beachgoers. But it's becoming increasingly obvious. I can deny it no longer!
It zooms out.
Lord Master Lox: I am a skeleton. I need someone big to clear the beach for me. I need... *sees Lincoln* Lincoln!
Lincoln Loud: Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach! Goin' on the beach!
Lord Master Lox: Yes. He's the one. *laughs evilly*
The sand on his head falls off.
Lincoln Loud: I'll have one...
Incidental 103: *cuts in front of him* Two, please.
Lou the Fish: *gives him two ice creams*
Incidental 103: Thanks. *walks off*
Lincoln Loud: One, please.
Eel: *slithers through Lincoln and grabs the ice cream* Excuse me. *walks off licking the ice cream*
Lincoln Loud: One, please.
Incidental 39: Sorry, kid. We're all out.
Lincoln Loud: Dang it. *hears crying coming from Master Lox, who's sitting on a bench with two strawberry ice creams* Master Lox, what are you doing here? And why are you crying?
Lord Master Lox: Oh, hi, Lincoln. *blows my nose* I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! *cries* I don't know what to do with the other one!
Lincoln is confused.
Lord Master Lox: *cries then stops for a second and looks at Lincoln and cries again*
Lincoln Loud: I'll eat one of those ice cream cones for ya.
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln! Would you do that for me?
Lincoln Loud: Sure! *starts to lick the strawberry ice cream*
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln?
Lincoln is still licking the strawberry ice cream.
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln?
Lincoln Loud: *eats the whole ice cream*
He is now licking what's left inside.
Lord Master Lox: *uses my megaphone to get Lincoln's attention* Lincoln!
Lincoln Loud: *turns towards Master Lox* Yeah? *spits out ice cream*
Lord Master Lox: Isn't it great to get the things you desire? Like that ice cream cone, for instance.
Lincoln Loud: *licks my fingers*
Lord Master Lox: You can have anything you want with a little training.
Lincoln Loud: *licks my fingers again* Training?
Lord Master Lox: Yes. You just have to learn to be more assertive. And I can show you how.
Lincoln Loud: Assertive, huh?
Lord Master Lox: That's right.
Lincoln Loud: Anything I want. *licks my face* Sounds great! *spits more ice cream at Master Lox*
Lord Master Lox: Wonderful. *laughs evilly*
Lincoln Loud: *joins in the laughing*
Incidental 23: *sits on Lincoln*
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln, don't let that guy sit on you! Assertiveness lesson #1: tell him to get off!
Lincoln Loud: Umm, excuse me, you're sitting on me, which is also my lap.
Lord Master Lox: No, no, be assertive!
Lincoln Loud: *puts my fingers in Incidental 23's pockets*
Lord Master Lox: *facepalms* Not insertive!
Incidental 23: checks my watch by the time, then walks away*
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln, you missed your chance! You've got to be aggressive to get the things you want! You're too soft!
Lincoln Loud: But I'm a Lo...
Lord Master Lox: Don't say it! *spots the eel that took Lincoln's strawberry ice cream cone* There's the guy who took your ice cream. Don't you want it back?
Lincoln Loud: Ice cream!
Lord Master Lox: *gets up and runs behind the eel* Listen, you! My friend's got something to say!
Eel: *turns around* What, who said that? *talks to Lincoln* Was it you?
Lord Master Lox: Tell him off, Lincoln. Assert yourself!
Lincoln Loud: That's my ice cream cone!
Lord Master Lox: Great! Now let him have it!
Lincoln Loud: *misunderstands what Master Lox means* You can have it.
Eel: Say, thanks! *walks off*
Lord Master Lox: No! I'll show ya how! *to the eel* Hey, pencil neck!
Eel: *turns around*
Lord Master Lox: Yeah, you. Slither over here!
Eel: *walks over to Lincoln*
Lord Master Lox: Surrender that ice cream cone, or every waking moment for you will become a swirling torrent of pain and misery!
Eel: *winces, then throws the strawberry ice cream at Lincoln and cries, then runs away*
Lincoln Loud: Hey, that guy was crying.
Lord Master Lox: Those were tears of joy! He was happy that you were assertive!
Lincoln Loud: Yeah!
Lord Master Lox: You see how wonderful life can be, *threateningly* when you're maniacal?
Lincoln Loud: Uhh, I thought it was called assertive.
Lord Master Lox: Whatever.
Lincoln Loud: Well, if it got me this ice cream, then I like it! *throws strawberry ice cream on my tongue, then hits Master Lox who is still on it*
Later, he is using a metal detector, and it beeps
Lincoln Loud: I found something!
Scooter the Fish: *approaches Lincoln* Uhh, excuse me, my metal detector broke. Can I use yours?
Lincoln Loud: *hands the equipment to him* Sure!
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln, this is your next lesson. Be aggressive! Tell that guy to take a hike!
Lincoln Loud: *misunderstands* Do you want to take a hike with me?
Scooter the Fish: Yeah.
Lord Master Lox: *angry* NOW, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! TELL THAT GUY TO GO FALL IN A DITCH!
Lincoln Loud: *sees a ditch* Hey, go check in that ditch! *points to the ditch beside them*
Scooter the Fish: *jumps down in the ditch and finds a treasure chest* Wow, buried treasure! Thanks!
Lincoln Loud: Did you see that, Master Lox? That guy found some buried treasure!
Lord Master Lox: *frustrated* Lincoln, you'll never get it right! Tell that guy you know karate and you'll tie him in a knot if you don't get your metal detector back!
Lincoln Loud: Hey! I'm gonna tie your...shoe if you don't give that back!
Scooter the Fish: But I'm wearing sandals!
Lincoln Loud: Okay, never mind! *to Master Lox* It's alright, Master Lox, he's wearing sandals. What's the matter?
Lord Master Lox: *puts things into a suitcase* Oh, nothing, Lincoln. *puts on a black hat* I was just beginning to think that this was a waste of time.
Lincoln Loud: No it's not!
Lord Master Lox: Forget it! I guess you don't have what it takes to be a stand-up guy.
Lincoln Loud: But what about airline food?
Lord Master Lox: What?
Lincoln Loud: Airline food. Oh my gosh, what is up with that stuff? Thank you, good night! *rimshot* See, I can be a stand-up guy. See?
Lord Master Lox: *throws my hat down and gets frustrated* LINCOLN, YOU'LL NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT! YOU'LL ALWAYS LET PEOPLE STEP ALL OVER YOU! YOU'RE JUST LIKE STAIRS!
Lincoln Loud: Wait, Master Lox, give me another chance!
Lord Master Lox: Okay, but this is your last chance! *points to people trying to get a tan* Look at all those beach hogs soaking up your sun rays. Do you have what it takes to get a tan?
Lincoln Loud: Just watch me! *runs over and waves a blanket up and down and builds up sand to make the beach-goers run away* Man, this thing is sandy!
Fred Rechid: My leg!
After everyone runs off, Lincoln is laying on his back with a funnel acting as a sunlamp.
Lord Master Lox: Yes, my plan is beginning to work! They're leaving the beach!
Lincoln now has a tan and looks brown.
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln, that was wonderful! Is that an all-over tan?
Lincoln Loud: Well, not all of me.
Lincoln Loud and Lord Master Lox: *spots the Goo Lagoon hot dog stand*
Octopus Vendor: Hot dogs! Hot dogs!
Lord Master Lox: Look at that huge line at the hot dog stand. Assert yourself to the front!
Lincoln Loud: I'll do better than that! *runs to hot dog stand to eat everybody's hot dogs at the snack bar*
Lord Master Lox: Lincoln, that was genius! Look at all those kite fliers blocking your view!
Lincoln Loud: What?
Lord Master Lox: Breaking your wind!
Lincoln Loud: *uses one of my hands to boomerang it into cutting the strings off the kites*
Until a volleyball bumps into his heel.
Lincoln Loud: *picks it up*
Larry the Lobster: Hey, Lincoln, throw us the ball.
Lincoln Loud: *pops the volleyball and doesn't throw the volleyball and trumpets like an elephant*
Larry the Lobster: Now, let's go home, I guess.
Everybody leaves the beach in the fall.
Lincoln Loud: Master Lox, did you see that? I was a regular alpha-male! *sees Master Lox missing* Master Lox?
Master Lox is driving a crane.
Lincoln Loud: Master Lox, all my asserting is driving everybody away!
Lord Master Lox: Exactly.
Lincoln Loud: You didn't tell me everyone would leave.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Leni, Luna, Lucy, Lana and Lily Loud: *walks to Master Lox*
Lord Master Lox: Oops. *presses a button in my crane*
The "Master Lox's Mega Lair" sign comes out from the ground.
Lincoln Loud: *gasps*
Lucy Loud: How did he do that?!
Leni Loud: *to Master Lox* Master Lox's Mega Bucket?! You used Lincoln for land development! That’s not very nice!
Lord Master Lox: Haven't you figured it out, Lincoln? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world! *laughs evilly*
Lincoln Loud: Well... *gets an idea* What about aggressively nice people?
Lord Master Lox: Huh? What are you doing?
Lincoln Loud: *brings out the hot dogs in the hot dog stand*
He ate earlier and put them back where they belong. Then he puts the kites back where they were.
Lord Master Lox: Wait, Lincoln! Stop!
A girl is crying because she has sand on her ice cream.
Lincoln Loud: *takes it and wipes the sand off with my eyelashes*
Lord Master Lox: Butterfly kisses. Can't take it. It's too cute! It's... it's disgusting!
Scooter is crying at his broken surfboard
SpongeBob SquarePants: What happened? *points to surfboard*
Scooter the Fish: I hit a reef with my new board, dude!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No problem! *shapeshifts into a surfboard*
Scooter the Fish: Whoa! *grabs the surfboard* Killer!
Lord Master Lox: Guys, stop! Before it's too late! Your kindness is bringing everybody back!
All: *comes back*
Lord Master Lox: Get back! Wait!
Everyone, on their way back to the beach breaks through the construction barriers, trample and hits Master Lox with their feet running. Scooter is surfing with SpongeBob.
Scooter the Fish: Cowabunga!
Scooter and SpongeBob arrive back to shore
Scooter the Fish: Thanks, dude! That was awesome!
Lord Master Lox: *begins straining and weeping* Ouch!
Lincoln Loud: Gee, Master Lox, I'm sorry about your Lair.
Lord Master Lox: Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting! *bunches up into a ball* Need hatred.
Leni, Luna, Lucy, Lana and Lily Loud: *glares at Master Lox*
Leni Loud: *livid* I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU MASTER LOX!!!
Luna Loud: *angry* YEAH, THAT WASN'T NICE!
Lana Loud: *furious* GET HIM!!
Lord Master Lox: Oh no!
Leni, Luna, Lucy, Lana and Lily Loud: *fights Master Lox*
Lord Master Lox: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I give up. *crawls away*
Luna Loud: That was awesome!
Lincoln Loud: I knew you guys would like it.
Lana Loud: Like it? We loved it!
Luna Loud: Yeah, let's play volleyball.
Lily Loud: Poo poo.
Lucy Loud: I love volleyball. *looks at Leni*
Leni Loud: What?
Lincoln Loud: Okay, guys, it’s time to play volleyball!
Leni, Luna, Lana and Lucy Loud: Yeah!
Lily Loud: Poo poo.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Volleyball, anyone?
All: *uses SpongeBob as the ball*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Serve up! Aaa! Ouch! Aaa! Ouch! Aaa! Ouch!
Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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