Wikinews English

This Wikinews English file gets the latest updates from Wikipedia Current Events English
: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portal:Current_events ClickHole
: http://www.clickhole.com/ Onion
: http://www.theonion.com/
# A source in the General People's Congress says former Yemeni president Ali Abdullah Saleh is killed by sniper bullets. Residents say Houthi forces have blown up his house in Sana'a.
# Earlier this week, when a demon flew into homeowner Jordan Bennett’s backyard in order to rape him, the patriot was able to stand his ground and slay the sex-hungry monster with a shotgun.
# President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him.
# Turkey's deputy foreign minister Bekir Bozdağ warns of a "major catastrophe" if the U.S. moves its embassy to Jerusalem as planned in the Jerusalem Embassy Act. The last six-month presidential waiver delaying the move was signed on June 1.
# Steve Jobs returned to work at Apple today when the holistic medicine he was taking finally kicked in and cured his cancer.
# Testifying to a judge that he was prepared to take full responsibility for his egregious actions, former National Security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty Friday to lying to the FBI, but, worst of all, lying to himself.
# The British government suspends payments to the so-called Free Syrian Police after a BBC Panorama investigation revealed that the cash has been diverted to the Salafist rebel groups of Nour al-Din al-Zenki and Jabhat al-Nusra, police officers being hand-picked by these groups, dead people appearing on the payroll and some police officers participating in summary executions.
# Richard Nixon’s ghost just appeared to Donald Trump to guide him through getting the crumbs out of his jowls.The president was in the Oval Office yesterday afternoon, still struggling to extract loose bits of breakfast that had become lodged in the pendulous, drooping flesh along his jawline, when the ghost of President Nixon appeared to provide much-needed pointers from his time as commander in chief.
# Local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just completely zone out.”
# The prosecutor in a Brussels court repeats the demand to extradite Carles Puigdemont and four other former Catalan officials to Spain. The judge delays the decision until December 14.
# Thanks to the GOP’s tax reform, Ms. Nadia Perez, a sixth-grade teacher in the Newark public school system, will now be able to take full advantage of the bill’s provision that drastically reduces the amount of taxes she needs to pay on the private jet she owns, and now she can put those leftover financial resources into loading all the children she teaches onto her luxury jetliner and taking them to some of the greatest museums around the world!
# Smiling as she found just the right spot for the decoration, Melania Trump hung a decayed badger carcass over the White House mantel Thursday in keeping with the traditions of Slovenian Christmas.
# Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro announces the creation of the petro cryptocurrency in a bid to ease the country's ongoing socioeconomic crisis.
# Monsanto just announced that it is letting the public vote online for how much alligator DNA will get put into this year’s grape harvest.
# White House Begins Christmas Season With Ceremonial Lighting Of Cross.
# In Tel Aviv, up to 20,000 people demonstrate in front of the home of the Attorney General of Israel, Avichai Mandelblit, against the slow pace of corruption investigations against Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu.
# Bruno Mars just ended a concert by showing his bleeding hands to the crowd and asking what more he can give.Mars’ incredible act of showmanship occurred near the end of a three-hour concert, when the beloved entertainer, visibly panting and sweaty, gazed upon the sea of roaring fans who were chanting “‘Uptown Funk!’ ‘Uptown Funk!,’” a song he had already sung three times. In that moment, Mars fell to his knees, revealed to the audience his palms, gushing with crimson blood, and began screaming to his fans that he had already given them everything that he had to give.
# After solemnly chanting the Latin funereal hymn “Dies Irae” in unison, hooded members of Congress on Wednesday reportedly drowned another love child in the Potomac River to prevent an affair from getting out.
# The lawyer of Ahmed Shafiq, a candidate for the spring 2018 presidential elections in Egypt, says she met him in a hotel room in Cairo following his arrest the day before in Dubai, U.A.E., after saying earlier today that his family didn't know his whereabouts.
# At a UNESCO coordination meeting, United Nations Secretary General António Guterres announced that the Honda S600 where he had sex for the first time in 1965 will now be classified as a World Heritage Site, making the car a legally protected international landmark.
# In an effort to motivate Americans into giving more generously, a new GOP plan unveiled Tuesday would offer generous tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen’s suit breast pockets.
# Sri Lanka cricket players take to wearing masks to combat smog pollution that disrupts the third Test against India in Delhi.
# PETA has announced that they will never know whether it’s okay to be naked in front of your dog or what!
# Amid mounting sexual misconduct allegations against the Minnesota senator, Al Franken tearfully announced to reporters Tuesday his intention to step down from his role as a harasser of women.
# The Pontiac Silverdome, former home of the NFL's Detroit Lions and the NBA's Detroit Pistons, was to be partially imploded as part of its planned demolition; however, approximately 10% of the explosives do not detonate, and the attempted implosion fails.
# A thoughtful serial killer in the small town of Yachats, Oregon, is sending clues related to his murders exclusively to small newspapers based in his hometown.
# Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down.
# Israel launches surface-to-surface missiles at a military installation outside the Syrian capital Damascus overnight, Syrian state TV reports.
# In a stroke of pure genius, Poland Spring has started putting apple juice in its bottles because it tastes better.Poland Spring’s latest marketing blitz comes after the veteran bottler realized that, while water tastes fine, apple juice definitely tastes better.
# Saying the court expected to finish the year strong even without their most productive swing voter, sources reported Monday that Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy will be out for the rest of the Supreme Court session after tearing his adjudicatory tendon.
# Cyclone Ockhi hits southern India causing 13 deaths in Tamil Nadu and Kerala. The cyclone kills 15 people and displaces another 200,000 persons in Sri Lanka.
# After years of enduring the brothers’ bitter feuds, Oasis fans might finally have a reason to get excited, because Liam and Noel have been paired up by their American history teacher to work on a PowerPoint about the Teapot Dome scandal together!
# Expressing concerns about a potentially disastrous scandal, President Trump reportedly confided to White House officials Friday that he was terrified that his sexual assault victims would someday come forward.
# Pope Francis ends his six-day trip to Myanmar and Bangladesh by visiting the Rohingya refugees in Dhaka.
# Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment.
# Saying she had never felt more complete and was “so grateful to be home,” Kevin Can Wait actress Leah Remini told reporters Thursday that she has rediscovered her faith in Scientology after going through a difficult point in her life.
# The former president of Yemen Ali Abdullah Saleh suggests that he is open to talking to the Saudi-led coalition that his forces have been fighting for years.
# In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer.
# Saying it was by far the most unpleasant directing experience of his career, Steven Spielberg recalled Monday coming to blows with E.T. on the set of the 1982 film E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. “I know a lot of people love the movie and love E.T., but working with him almost killed me,” said Spielberg.
# The Trump administrations withdraws the United States from the Global Compact on Migration of the United Nations.
# Describing it as an opportunity for the comics to try out their new material, the Comedy Cellar on Monday reportedly launched a new live show for male comedians to workshop their sexual harassment apologies.
# Dispelling the widely held notion that musical work of such a high caliber is uncommon, an analysis by Boston University music historians published Thursday found that albums as good as Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band are actually released about once a month.
# Voyager 1 successfully fires backup maneuvering thrusters, that had previously remained inactive for 37 years. Those thruster firings are to keep the spacecraft's antenna pointed at Earth, which is vital to maintain communications.
# Not having appeared together publicly since they said goodbye to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. back in January, the Obamas reunited for a live hour-long TBS primetime event Friday for the first time since leaving the White House.
# Saying that eagle-eyed fans on social media had already pointed out several of them, the creators of Stranger Things 2 revealed Tuesday that keen viewers will notice twinges of disappointment hidden in every scene.
# The U.S. Commodity Futures Trading Commission gives a go-ahead for Bitcoin futures to trade on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and Chicago Board Options Exchange.
# Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities.
# In a move that many observers say underscores her commitment to the part, Beyoncé reportedly began a painful surgical transformation Thursday in preparation for her role as the lioness Nala in the live-action remake of The Lion King.
# Michael Flynn, former U.S. National Security Advisor to President Donald Trump, pleads guilty to one count of making a false statement to the FBI about his contacts with Russian officials.
# Saying the financial risks and hours of hard work would pay off in the long term, former president Barack Obama revealed Thursday that he has sunk his entire life’s savings into the development of a tabletop game based on the American presidency.
# Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.”
# Emperor Akihito announces his intentions to abdicate the throne on April 30, 2019.
# Picking up immediately on the students’ lack of confidence and low morale, fourth grade substitute teacher Jeff Moransky told reporters Monday that he could tell he was filling in for a real asshole.
# Saying she only wished she’d be around to look on with pride as he matured into an adult, dying woman Maureen McCarthy told reporters Monday that she was sorry she would never get to see her 37-year-old son grow up.
# Expressing dismay at how little progress her students had made, local yoga teacher Diane Holden was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that no one in her beginner vinyasa class could yet focus their chakras into a psychic energy blast.
#%%%
# Sweating, Trembling Mom Still Coming Down From High Of Having Kids Under One Roof: “I was buzzed out of my mind when they all arrived a few days ago, but when I realized they were each sleeping in their childhood bedrooms right down the hall from me, it felt like I was flying straight upward and my heart was ready to burst—I could barely even handle it. God, what a damn rush.”
# Pope Francis arrives in Yangon to begin a six-day trip to Myanmar and Bangladesh, where he is expected to meet with the Rohingya people.
# The Pakistan Minister for Law Zahid Hamid resigns after days of protest over proposed changes to blasphemy laws.
# Thanksgiving In My Family Is Always Tense Because I Read News Outlets Owned By Liberal Billionaires And My Uncle Reads News Outlets Owned By Conservative Billionaires: Every Thanksgiving, the bitter arguments between my uncle and me serve as a grim reminder of just how divided our country’s billionaires have become.
# Pakistan's government calls for troops to be deployed in the capital, Islamabad, after violence breaks out during protests by Islamists that were organized by the Tehreek-e-Labaik.
# John Conyers stands down as the ranking Democrat on the United States House Committee on the Judiciary following a series of sexual harassment allegations.
# When parents lose a child, they will stop at nothing to find them if there is even a chance they are still out there. Rather than giving up, one group of dedicated mothers and fathers is making sure that no stone gets left unturned: Parents of missing children are petitioning Shaquille O’Neal to give his suit just one good shake in case their missing children are lost in there.The petition, which was posted online at Change.org just last week, demands that the four-time NBA Champion get up, shimmy around, and wiggle his pant legs just in case there are any missing children trapped anywhere inside his clothes.
# Far-right protesters from La Meute and Storm Alliance, counter-protesters, and the Quebec City Police Service clash, and more than 40 people are arrested.
# At least 305 people are killed, and over 128 wounded, in a bomb and gun attack at a mosque near Arish, Egypt.
# Two titans of the fast-food industry started taking some high-profile shots at each other this week, and honestly, we can’t look away. In a seriously epic move that has sent shockwaves through the marketing world, Quiznos has hired former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle for a new ad campaign claiming that Quiznos sandwiches cured his pedophilia.
# Former South African sprint runner Oscar Pistorius has his jail sentence increased to 13 years and five months for the murder of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. The Supreme Court of Appeal ruled his sentence be increased to 15 years, less time already served.
# Emmerson Mnangagwa is sworn in as the new President of Zimbabwe pending elections next year.
# Mexico's Popocatepetl volcano sends a cloud of smoke, ash and steam around 5,900 feet (1798 meters) above the peak, the largest eruption since 2013.
# Earlier this week, technicians at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center were shocked to find that images transmitted by the Hubble only showed what seemed to be a large red and brown blanket made of a cotton-polyester blend. With further analysis, NASA concluded that some asshole had tossed an animal print blanket over the Hubble’s light shield and aperture, completely obscuring the telescope’s view.
# Bangladesh's Foreign Minister A. H. Mahmood Ali and Myanmar's State Counsellor Aung San Suu Kyi agree to return Rohingya refugees from Bangladesh to Myanmar in a two-month period.
# Mount Agung in Bali erupts for the first time in 50 years, leading to thousands of people fleeing their homes.
# LEGAL President Donald JOHN Trump is the most POWERFUL and WONDERFUL of all of the presidents, and for proof, just look at his RICH MAN’S PENTHOUSE that he lives in! But even though LEGAL President Donald JOHN is tough as nails and SPANKS HIS LOYAL BOY ERIC until ERIC’S eyes fall out of his head, that doesn’t mean that LEGAL JOHN Trump is all MONSTER and no CUDDLE FOX. The LEGAL President Donald JOHN Trump just proved he’s got a heart of PURE SWEET CHICKEN SAUCE by showing up to an elementary school and screaming Amazon reviews of Full Metal Jacket at all of the tiny STRONG children!
# Gene Reynolds had only owned his new Spalding volleyball for a matter of hours before tragedy struck. While breaking it in with some buddies in a field by a local wind farm, a stiff wind caught Gene’s volleyball in midair and carried it right into one of the pointy parts of a turbine. The volleyball was punctured instantly and plummeted to earth, limp and useless, destroyed by the same green energy solutions the Democrats blindly insist will save us.
# Bannon’s reputation as a master strategist followed him through a stunning electoral upset and all the way into being Trump’s right-hand man in the White House. But today, the full shape of Bannon’s ultimate vision has finally become clear in his moment of triumph: Steve Bannon has just completed his yearlong plan to become increasingly irrelevant before eventually getting himself fired.
# Robert Mugabe resigns as the President of Zimbabwe shortly after impeachment proceedings are launched. It ends a period of his 29 years in office as President.
# A Saudi-led coalition airstrike on a market in Sahar District in Yemen's northern Saada Governorate, which is under Houthi control, kills at least 26 people, according to medics and local officials.
# When presented with an ordinary map of the Middle East and a thick red pen, just over 60 percent of Americans asked couldn’t draw a big crosshairs on it. Many respondents only drew crosshairs over Iran and Iraq, crucially leaving out Syria, Pakistan, and the others that have it coming to them. Perhaps most appalling, however, is that four in five respondents didn’t even draw a single skull and crossbones anywhere on the map.
# France declares the end of the country's state of emergency which was enforced as a reaction to the November 2015 Paris attacks. The state of emergency gets replaced with a new counterterrorism law signed by President Emmanuel Macron.
# A Bethlehem art installation (by anonymous artist Banksy) satirizes the 100th anniversary of the Balfour Declaration.