A Rickle in Time

==Transcript==
[Open aerial view/zoom on the Smith home]
(Morty, Rick, and Jerry)
(Everything is frozen besides Morty, Rick and Summer. Morty is vacuuming Jerry with a hand vac.)
(Enter: Summer)
Summer: Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom.
Morty: I know how to vacuum Mom and Dad, Summer, I've been doing it for six months!
Summer: Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my God, is that mildew?
Morty: It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day!
Summer: You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick?
Morty: What? What kind of monster are you?
Summer: A competent one.
Rick: Who cares about the *belch* thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.
(Morty puts shirt on Jerry backwards.)
Rick: Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.
Morty: Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?
Rick: It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards.
Morty: Wait a minute, what?
Rick: And away we go!
(Rick unfreezes time.)
(Mr. Benson falls off the roof.)
Morty: Uh, did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson?
Rick: Shhh, Morty!
(Jerry opens the door angrily)
Jerry: ...A THING OR TWO ABOUT... wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Rick: Negative visualization, Jerry. It explains a lot about where you're at. Hi, sweety.
Beth: Hi, dad.
(Summer and Morty recoil from Beth as she approaches to hug Rick)
Beth: Summer, Morty, are you okay?
Morty: W-We just missed you a lot.
Summer: Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you though.
(Rick motions Summer and Morty behind him.)
Rick: Yeah it would literally destroy them. Now listen, why do—why do—why—why don't you guys go get a free Sundae ice cream, (Rick puts a rubber band around a rolled up wad of cash) go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts.
Jerry: This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.
Beth: Sweety, is your shirt on backwards?
<Simultaneously---
Summer: *Gasp* 
Morty: Oh!
Rick: Uh oh.
-------------->
Jerry: Yeah, I like it this way. I'm not stupid.
<Simultaneously---
Morty: Phew...
Summer: *Exhales*
-------------->
Rick: Man that guy is the Red Grin Grumble to pretending he knows what's going on. (Morty and Summer laugh) Oh you agree, huh? (Summer: Funny) You like that Red Grin Grumble reference? (Summer: Yeah.) Well guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves, don't be sheep.
[Intro sequence]
[Trans. Outside Morty's house]
(Mr. Benson is being loaded into an ambulance.)
[Trans. Inside Morty's house]
Summer: God, I feel terrible.
Rick: Yup, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. (Rick opens refrigerator) [Trans. Inside refrigerator] One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam!
[Trans. Inside Morty's house]
Morty: Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under-
Summer: (interrupting) Uh, what? It was your job, Morty. (Summer pokes Morty.)
Morty: Nuh uh!
Summer: Yeah huh!
Rick: Actually, sorry Summer, I gotta back the M bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies, your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson.
Morty: Boom! In your face Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.
Summer: Shut up Morty, you vindictive little turd!
Morty: You shut up you big... female asshole!
(Alternate selves first appear)
Alternate Morty: Hey, don't shove me!
Summer: I didn't!
Morty: You didn't what?
Alternate Summer: What's your problem?
Morty: What's yours?
Alternate Summer: Shut up!
Morty: You shut up!
Rick: Whoa whoa wh-what the hell hell hell hell hell?
(Time splits into two - alternate timelines will be ordered from top to bottom, left to right.)
Both Ricks: Oh God, oh no, what did you guys just do?
Summer 1: What do you mean?
Summer 2: What could we do?
BothAll Summers: Wait, what am I saying?
Both Rick: *belch* Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
BothAll Mortys: Oh man... I don't feel good.
Morty 1: Am I me? I think so.
Morty 2: A-am I talking right now?
BothAll Mortys: Wait, who said that?
BothAll Ricks: Alright both of you, just don't move, don't speak, don't think. I have to check something. 
Summer 1: What should we do Morty?
Summer 2: I'm gonna help Grampa.
Morty 1: Let's see if he needs help.
Morty 2: What do you mean you're gonna help him.
Summer 1: Ugh, I can help too.
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage] 
BothAll Mortys: What's going on Rick?
BothAll Summers: What's happening Grampa?
BothAll Ricks: Shut up! (Rick turns on a monitor) Oh crap are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!
Morty 1: What do you mean?
Morty 2: What? In English?
Summer 1: What? English please?
Summer 2: What are you talking about?
BothAll Ricks: Our time is fractured. You two somehow created a feedback loop of uncertainty that's split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.
BothAll Mortys: But I thought there were infinite timelines.
BothAll Ricks: We're not on any timeline, dummy. Look.
(Rick opens the garage door, revealing floating cats, trees and islands.)
BothAll Mortys: Oh, my God!
BothAll Summers: Are those cats?
Both Ricks: I assume they're Schrödinger's cats. A-actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us. 
Summer 1 & Morty 2: Is the world gone? Where are Mom and Dad?
Both Ricks: “Mom and Dad?” Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless grounded story about their shitty marriage.
[Trans. Inside Jerry's car] 
Jerry: Cold Stone Creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining twenty dollars?
Beth: You realize they sing no matter how much you tip.
(Jerrry hits a deer.)
Beth: Holy shit! What happened? 
Jerry: I hit a deer! W-we have to tell the cops you were driving.
Beth: W-what?
Jerry: This is Rum Raisin!
(Beth hands Jerry her ice cream, gets out of the car and goes over to the deer.)
Beth: It's still alive.
Jerry: Well, do we- do I uh, get a big rock? Or--
Beth: It's not an armadillo, asshole!
Jerry: I thought that's what a man's supposed to say, it's not like I could have actually done it.
Beth: If we were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I-I think we have to just-
Jerry: It's okay, this is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do, you're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon.
Beth: So...
Jerry: Well don't different animals-
Beth: Require different levels of skill to keep alive?
Jerry: Oh God...
Beth: Get the deer in the car, Jerry.
Jerry: Yes Beth.
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage]
Both Ricks: This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.
Morty 1: And you did it so you could clean the house after a party.
Morty 2: And you did it so you could clean the house after a party?
Both Ricks: Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be “is”.
Morty 1: Or...
Morty 2: Or?
Both Ricks: We “isn't”.
Both Ricks: Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.
Morty 1 & Summer 2: How do you know you're gonna-
Both Ricks: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!
(Rick presses a button, the timelines almost merge)
Both Ricks: Huh, what do you know, it's working.
Summer 1: Ow, ow ouch!
Morty 2: Whoa, ow, ow.
Both Ricks: Oh shit.
(Realities separate again)
All Ricks: What the hell is wrong with you two!? I—I m—I m—I mean you four!?
All Mortys and Summer 2: That hurt! That was painful...
All Ricks: Good I'm glad it was painful. You do deserve it! I saw you, you're both *belch* all over the damn place. We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!
All Mortys: Well you don't exactly make it easy, Rick!
Morty 1: You make fun of me all the time and now Summer's doing it too!
Morty 2: You're always picking on me and now you got someone to kiss your ass!
Summer 1: Me? What about you? Would you get more excited to see me fail? You want Grampa all to yourself!
Summer 2: Me? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous, because you want Grampa all to yourself!
All Ricks: Alright, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, you both wanna be “Grampa's favorite.” I can fix this. Morty sit here, Summer, you sit here. Now listen, I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grampa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming anyway.
[Trans. Outside animal hospital.]
[Trans. Inside animal hospital.]
Beth: Emergency, wounded deer coming in.
[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.]
(Vet is taking a snake's pulse.)
Vet: Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here.
Beth: I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. Nurse, please move that snake.
Vet: That's my nurse, and as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs-
Beth: As a vet, I'm sure you know a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor, so let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out, it's time to save a life!
Vet: Geez...
(Vet removes Snake from operating table. Beth and Jerry place deer on operating table.)
Beth: That's odd, this deer's wounded. 
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I was there, you don't have to rub it in.
Beth: I mean it's been shot. With a gun.
Hunter: My gun.
Vet: May I help you, sir?
Hunter: No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me.
Beth: 
*sigh* We don't have time for this, okay! I need anesthetic, and deer saline!
Vet: Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting or euthenizing them and also when eating them at almost any meal.
Hunter: I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter.
Beth: In your dreams, bitch! Scalpel!
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]
All Ricks: So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy hysterical bird brained homunculi. And I honestly can't tell the two of you half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?
All Mortys and All Summers: Yes.
All Ricks: Alright, perfect. Sit still, *belch* arms down, I'm gonna do this again, this time, be like Grampa.
Morty 2: You mean drunk?
Rick 2: What's that? You got something to say?
Rick 1: And away we go!
Morty 2: No.
Rick 2: And away we go!
All Ricks: Huh, that's weird. Oh, my God.
All Summers: What?
All Ricks: That son of a bitch is gonna kill me!
Rick 2: Follicle unfeeling sociopath. Don't you get it? He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them. I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now...
Rick 1: Don't you get it? don't you get it? The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them. I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now...
All Mortys: Rick what the hell are you doing?
All Ricks: Saving our lives. After he takes me out he's gonna be coming for you!
All Summers: Who?
All Ricks: Me!
Rick 2: You see that? Get down.
All Summers: Ahh!
All Mortys: Whoa whoa!
Rick 1: I told you he's a psycho!
Rick 2: He's lost it. The time fracture must have made him crazy!
Rick 1: I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!
Summer 2 or 4 after splitting into 4 (not shown): Oh crap!
(Reality splits into 4 parts)
All Ricks: Oh God, now there's three of them, we're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! Wait, don't don't do that, they'll know... wait wait, think about getting in the cupboards but don't really. AAAAH! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK FUCKS? YOU WANNA SEE CHILDREN DIE?
[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.]
Beth: You son of a bitch, you don't stop living until I SAY SO!
Lawyer: Michael.
Vet: Who's this now?
Hunter: My lawyer.
Lawyer: I'm here to notify you ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property, regardless of how far it runs, or who intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point you're performing it on venison. 
Hunter: Actually, I've decided not to eat it. All this fear and conflict. I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec room wall.
Jerry: She normally works on horses.
Beth: Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here! I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!
Vet: Jesus...
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]
All Ricks: Shh shh... I know where you are, you creepy old monster... I know how you think! Oh, is this where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well maybe you're right!
(Morty knocks Rick out with a fire extinguisher)
All Summers: Holy shit, now what?
All Mortys: Well if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized?
All Summers: Right.
All Mortys: Okay... so from now on, whatever we do we have to be certain.
All Summers: Right...
All Mortys: I think I'm certain we're F'd in the A.
[Cut to black]
[Trans. Outside the house in Schrodinger cat space]
All Ricks: Oh God, my head. What did you guys do?
All Mortys: We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy, and you caused another time fracture. 
All Summers: You tried to kill yourself!
All Ricks: Only in self defense, myself tried to kill me first! Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it. Well actually, I do expect you to understand that, it's basic math. C-could someone just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet. 
All Summers: Well is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore?
All Ricks: Ah, for God's sake, alright here, give me the time crystal.
All Mortys: W-what're you doing?
All Ricks: Calling myself. Here, listen, *belch* it'll probably go to voice mail since, you know, I'm calling myself.
All Rick phones: Hello, Rick here.
All Ricks: Don't fall for it, it's a bit.
All Rick phones: Just kidding, haha! You just got Ricked. You've reached Rick's voicemail, you know what to do *beep*.
All Ricks: Hey Rick, it's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it too. Take it easy. Whoa. Damn, look at this, I'm blown up. Three new voicemails. *voicemail repeats* Yeah yeah, I heard this one. *voicemail repeats two more times* You get the idea *belch* we're cool now.
All Summers: Okay, well we're still not gonna let you out of this crate.
All Ricks: Fine I'll just do it myself.
All Mortys: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
All Ricks: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty. That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
All Mortys: You know, geez Rick, y—y—you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.
(Testicle Monster A floats into view in a bubble.)
Morty 1: Oh, my God!
Morty 2: It's a monster!
Morty 3: Oh, my God! It's a monster!
Summer 1: It's a monster!
Summer 4: It's a monster!
Testicle Monster A: Ey, ye ey, quit yellin' quit yellin'.
Summer 1: *Screams*
Summer 4: Oh, my God...
Morty 2, 3 and 4: *Screams*
Testicle Monster A: What the fuck?! Your time is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time, twice!
All Ricks: *sigh*
Testicle Monster A: How did this happen?
Summers 2 & 3: Yeah, but we don't even know, the first time...
Morty 1 & 4: Who's that Brother Newman time elf?
Testicle Monster A: Shut the fuck up! Oh, damn, I'm from the 4th dimension. I can hear all o' y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
All Ricks: *groan*
Testicle Monster A: Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies?
All Mortys: Oh way to go, Rick.
All Summers: Yeah Grampa, way to go.
All Ricks: Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land.
Testicle Monster A: Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on!
Summer 1, 2 and 3: What are you talking about?
Morty 1, 2 and 3: We have them on.
Rick 1, 2 and 3: Uh, we did...
Rick 4: We're not wearing collars.
Testicle Monster A: Exactly, because you're being obstinate.
Rick 1, 2 and 3: *belch* What?
Morty 1, 2 and 3: We did!
Summer 1, 2 and 3: They're on right now.
Rick 4: Alright, fine. Summer, Morty, put 'em on.
(Alternate timelines merge into one)
Rick: Yes, we're back, problem solved.
Summer: Yes, we're back to our own time.
Morty: Yes no more cats, no more cats, oh you did it, you fixed it.
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak ass time again.
Rick: How long exactly do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing.
Testicle Monster A: Well since you're goin' to time prison, I'd say you can keep em on forever.
Summer: Time prison?
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen.
Summer: You stole a time freezing crystal from testical monsters?
Rick: I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!
Testicle Monster A: Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards.
[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.]
Vet: Hmm...
Beth: Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure?
Lawyer: That's right Mrs. Smith, *whispers* give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.
Jerry: Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends.
Vet: I guess that's the end of that.
Lawyer: There is just one more thing. According to this state's veterinarian statute, this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man horse doctor, you have to say you couldn't hack it.
Jerry: We did it...
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]
Testicle Monster A: (On phone) Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. (hangs up) You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.
Morty: Why are you doing this?
Testicle Monster A: You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up.
Rick: What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you?
Testicle Monster A: You really think I'm that stupid?
Rick: Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.
Testicle Monster A: I cannot argue that.
(Rick hits the creature with a wrench and grabs the organic gun he was holding)
Rick: Ah, God, gross and weird!
(Rick drops the gun and it crawls toward the street)
Testicle Monster A: Chris!
(The gun/Chris runs into the road and is run over by a car)
Testicle Monster A: You killed my gun!
Rick: Summer, Morty, take off your collars!
Testicle Monster A: What? What the hell are you doing?
Rick: Good question. I suppose the answer is: I'm not certain!
Testicle Monster A: Oh, no, what are you doin'?
(Time splits into 2 timelines)
Rick 1: I have no idea!
Rick 2: I'm not sure.
(Time splits into 4 timelines)
All Ricks (off sync): Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
(Time Splits into 8 timelines)
All Ricks (off sync): I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass!
Testicle Monster A: Lis- ay, to, AH. But these arms are vestigial. Now you poked me where an eye would have been about six million years ago. 
All Summers (off sync): Come on, let's help Grampa.
All Mortys (off sync): Yeah. I'm like a hundred percent not sure about anything.
(Time splits twice, now 32 Timelines)
Summers 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 12, 17, 18, 20, 25, 28, 29, 31: Beat his ass!
Summers 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, 16, 18, 19, 23, 25, 27, 28: Get him!
Summers 2, 6, 9, 12, 13, 15, 17, 20, 21, 22, 24, 26, 29, 30, 31, 32: Beat him up!
(Zooms into only show one timeline: Timeline 23)
Morty 23: Kick his ass, Rick!
Rick 23: Die, motherfucker!
(Rick 23 hits Testicle Monster A one last time, he falls back and his head explodes.)
Testicle Monster A: Ow, I'm defeated...
Summer 23: What's happening? 
Rick 23: Time is falling apart, we've got to get back to certainty, quick! Give me your collars!
Morty 23: Oh man, don't you have to fix, like, thirty of them? 
Rick 23: Morty, I have to fix three of them, and then there's thirty-one other versions of me that have to also fix three for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive, now hand me that (Phillips/Flathead) screwdriver. Actually, make it a (Phillips/Flathead).
(Time splits into 64 timelines)
All Ricks (off sync): Oh, shit.
[Trans. Inside Jerry's car] 
Jerry: Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer, and I know you wanted to be the one to save it. 
Beth: Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego?
Jerry: Hmm... you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.
Beth: Where are we going?
Jerry: One last stop.
Beth: Where's the helicopter?
Jerry: There is no helicopter and there is no Cervine Institute.
Beth: But the top deer surgeon...
Jerry: I'm looking at her. Thanks for F.D.'ing me up like that.
Cold Stone Employee: You'd better get moving, these lights are designed for basic ice cream work, they're not gonna last all night.
Beth: I need five minutes.
(Short slow-panning montage of surgery)
Beth: Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had.
Jerry: Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.
Cold Stone Employee: You're welcome.
[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]
(Zoom into Timeline 30)
(Presumably) All Ricks: Okay, we're out of time. It's ironic, huh?
Morty 30: Rick!
Rick 30: What's goin' on?
Morty 30: The collar, oh, the latch is broken! It won't latch closed around my neck!
(Zoom pan to Timeline 28)
(Presumably) All Mortys Except Morty 30: What's wrong, how come our collars aren't green?
(Presumably) All Ricks Except Rick 30: Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on and one of me is stuck trying to help him.
(Presumably) All Mortys Except Morty 30: Don't blame this on me, you're the one that couldn't fix a latch!
(Zoom pan to Timeline 30)
Rick 30: What are you talking about, it's not broken, Morty, I fixed it, just put it on!
Morty 30: It won't close, it's broken!
Rick 30: Fine, bring it here.
Morty 30: Ooh, ooh, Rick!
(Zoom pan to Timeline 15)
(Presumably) All Ricks Except Rick 30: Oh, really, Morty? Well I'm sorry, I'm not the one that's so fucking uncertain about everything!
(Presumably) All Mortys Except Morty 30: You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this, I never wanna see you again!
(Presumably) All Ricks Except Rick 30: You're never gonna see anything again you little dummy! You killed us!
(Zoom pan to Timeline 30)
Rick 30: Goddammit!
Morty 30: Ooh
Rick 30: Morty where's your collar I'll fix it
Morty 30: I dropped it
(Presumably) All Ricks Except Rick 30: What the hell? What have you done to me, Morty?
Rick 30: I'm okay with this. Be good Morty. Be better than me. Holy shit, the other collar! I'm not okay with this! I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus please let me live. Oh, my God I—I've gotta fix this thing, please God in Heaven, please, God, oh Lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you God! Not today, bitch.
(Presumably) All Ricks Except Rick 30: Please, God, if there's a Hell, please be merciful to me.
Rick 30: Yes I did it! There is no God! In your face. One dot, motherfuckers!
Morty: Yes, oh, yes, yes!
Summer: Woohoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Morty: Oh, that was a close call. Oh yeah, do it Rick, do it right.
Rick: You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah. I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty. Check me out I'm doing the cabbage patch dance. It's a classic dance, remember, like this. Oh shit look at that.
Morty: Do the cabbage patch. Do—do—do the dance.
Summer: Hey wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?
Morty: I don't know. I think like one sixty-fourth of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have sixty-three other memories of everything.
Rick: Yeah.
Morty: But I feel like one of the sixty-four Ricks like, sacrificed himself for me, maybe, I think.
Rick: Shut up, Morty. The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little s—piece of shit.
Beth: Hey guys, we're home.
(Summer and Morty run up and hug Beth and Jerry, respectively.)
Morty & Summer: Mom, Dad!
Jerry: Um, hold the phone, where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three, am I right?
Beth: *laughs*
Jerry: Are you guys Power Rangers? But only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Clean up in the fruit isle! Not in a homophobic way though, they're just fruity necklaces is all I was saying.
Beth: *laughing* I'm gonna pee my pants.
Morty: Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Rick: No it doesn't. It hurts.
Beth: I'm gonna pee-hee-hee.
Jerry: Somebody call the planet of Tron, we have three Tron people over here. But seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles? With green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the 90's? What is this, a 90's nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie “The Craft” with Fairuza Balk?
[End credits]
[Trans. Testicle Monster travelling through time, stops at ice age with a wooly mammoth in the background.]
Testicle Monster A: Hey man, when the hell were you?
Testicle Monster B: Looking for you, asshole.
Testicle Monster A: I told you past the dinosaurs.
Testicle Monster B: You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!
Testicle Monster A: Come on, man, it's this way...
Testicle Monster B: Come on, give me that thing, speed it up, he can't be this far back.
[Monster A spots a man that looks Rick writing on a chalkboard]
Testicle Monster A: There he is, there he is, there he is, there he is, stop, stop.
[Man who looks like Rick turns around, it turns out to be Albert Einstein]
Testicle Monster B: So that's the guy, huh?
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, that's him. Hey, man, remember me? [he and Monster B start beating up Einstein, knocking him to the ground] I got something for your ass! You don't mess with time! You don't fuck with time, motherfucker! [he and Monster B leave]
Albert Einstein: I vill mess vith time!
[Einstein gets up and determinately writes E=MC2 in the chalkboard]
Albert Einstein: I vill mess vith time...
[END]
Category:Rick and Morty Transcripts