Dead Men Tell Dumb Tales

Islander flames on, soccer player kicks his own ass, swatter has no life, trip to planetarium goes awry, bait shop worker darts, note to self: diluting blood with multiple syringes is not a good idea, and neither is exposing an open skin wound to printer ink. 
AIRED ON: SEPTEMBER 21, 2025 
Death # 	Name 	Date 	Location 	Description
1688 	PALM OFFED 	January 27, 1976 	Ifaty, Madagascar 	Kwame and Kipper were two African-American amateur sailors who somehow got stranded in Madagascar after their boat sank. After a while, they started to look around the island for food. Suddenly, a man named Adewale wearing nothing but face-paint, necklaces, and other tribe-like garb emerged from the trees. He began shouting unintelligibly, wielding a lit torch around the two sailors to scare them off. A wild chase ensued, and Kwame and Kipper decided to split up to lose Adewale. Adewale, upon realizing that the two sailors were nowhere to be found, punched a palm tree in frustration, which caused a coconut to fall from it, hitting his head and knocking him out. When he fell near it his lit torch came into contact with the palm tree, ingulfing it and Adewale in flames.
4471 	BLOODER SUCKER 	June 5, 1998 	Manhattan, New York 	Emile was an impatient patient at a clinic. His nurse, Liliana, overslept that day and was running late. Emile was there to get his flu shot. He spotted what he thought was the syringe for his flu shot, and stupidly injected himself with it, thinking that he could get his appointment over with that way. When hee looked at the syringe again, however, he came to the horrible realization that he'd actually given himself a morphine shot instead! Emile went into panic mode and stormed out of the clinic, taking empty syringes with him. At home, he attempted to get rid of morphine from his bloodstream by extracting large amounts of blood using the syringes from the clinic and even a turkey baster. The numerous holes in Emile's veins caused by the syringes and the baster led to massive blood loss and internal bleeding. Blood could not adequately travel through the bloodstream into Emile's vital organs, and Emile lost consciousness and, eventually, his life.
239 (Repeat)	LIONEL MESSY 	September 2, 2010	Peoria, Illinois 	Manuel was a soccer player with a hair-trigger temper. After losing a soccer match, Manuel blew his top, shoving other players out of anger. He wanted a rematch, but before he could avenge himself, a thunderstorm occurred. The other players packed up and left, but Manuel stayed. On top of losing the last game, he could play no more soccer. It only made sense that Manuel went completely berserk. He ran up to a net kicked one of the goalposts, but at the same time that a lightning bolt struck down on the other one. Manuel's metal cleat completed an electrical circuit and killed him.
1920 	SWAT DOWN 	May 30, 2011 	Battle Creek, Michigan 	Willard McGee was was a geek who played computer games all day. He was not only a geek, but a swatter as well. Willard swatted people in online games whenever he lost to them. He would send a SWAT team to their houses, and they'd destroy their belongings and break their windows in search for supposed evidence for their imaginary crimes. One day, the tables have turned. One of Willard's past swatting victims found out his address, and swatted him in return. One by one, the SWAT marksmen destroyed their way into Willard's room, bringing German Shepherds with. Willard didn't know it, but he was severely allergic to dogs. When the German Shepherds surrounded him, sniffing for evidence, Willard suffered from anaphylactic shock. His throat swelled up, blocking his airway, and he suffocated.
8777 	SPACE JAMMED 	March 20, 2008 	Duluth, Minnesota 	A frat-boy named Sid drunkenly wandered into a planetarium. He found his way into the main theater, where a group of elementary schoolers were watching a presentation about planets. The students and staff were shocked to see a drunken loser like Sid waltz in there like that. In his stupor, Sid mistook a toy planet for a gobstopper, picked it up, and threw it in his mouth. Because he was too drunk to focus, he lost his grip on the toy and it fell down his trachea. It was the planet Saturn, which was unfortunate because its wide rings prevented Sid from bringing it back up into his mouth. He slowly choked to death, much to the horror of everyone around him.
5238 	HARPWNED 	August 17, 2006 	San Diego, California 	Dade and Kaden worked at a bait shop in San Diego. As they were quite bored out of their minds, Kaden thought it would be a good idea to go into their their boss's office to mess around. Dade, being the more virtuous of the two, decided against it, but he eventually gave in. The two bozos went into the office and spotted a harpoon gun mounted on the wall. Kaden took it and messed around with it, aiming it at Dade at one point. Dade didn't want to get caught, so he tried taking it from him to put it back. They were fighting over it, when Johnny, their boss, came storming in, furious at what he saw. Kaden made up an excuse that it fell and they were trying to mount it back on the wall. As he got more and more nervous, Kaden sweated, causing his hand to slip from the handle of the harpoon gun and accidentally pull the trigger. The harpoon, which was aimed at Dade's chest, came hurling toward his heart, puncturing it, and killing him instantly.
2051 	BLACK AND WHITE MORTALITY	December 27, 1928	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania	A man named Wallace worked in the press industry. He specialized in printing and publishing newspapers. He constantly criticized his assistant Penny because she was a total klutz. One day, Penny tripped and fell on a rug, cutting Wallace on the arm with her wedding ring in the process. Wallace fell ill for the next few days and didn't know why. Suddenly, he collapsed on the floor, dead. As it turns out, Wallace's arm wound was exposed to large amounts of printing ink, and the ink traveled through his bloodstream. In other words, Wallace was unknowingly mainlining ink, which eventually killed him.
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