Bratty Sitting

Bratty Sitting is a fan-made episode written by Bobby Gaylor and Danny Giovannini. It is a parody of season 13 of SpongeBob SquarePants.
==Plot==
SpongeBob and Patrick are assigned to take care of Pearl at Krabs' house while Mr. Krabs is on a date with Mrs. Puff.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with an open shot of the Krusty Krab, and it starts panning on the inside, where the customers are chewing their food loudly. Bubble Bass squeezes his butt to eat his Krabby Patty, Hoopla has his mouth full of mayonnaise, and Nosferatu is chomping loudly, with Slappy sitting on the other side of his table, giggling. The loudness gets to a point where Squidward’s ears visibly throb.)
Squidward: I can’t take it anymore! (puts earplugs in ears, sighs)
Mr. Krabs: (takes off Squidward’s earplugs and blows an airhorn in Squidward’s ears) Wakey wakey, sleepyhead! I have an important assignment for me loyal crew.
Squidward: (groans) What is it this time?
Mr. Krabs: I’m going on a date with me Puffykins tonight, and I need the (points to Squidward and SpongeBob, who is drooling in place) two of you to take care of me darlin’ daughter Pearl. Do I make myself clear?
Squidward: (puts earplugs back in, reading magazine) Can’t hear you, I’m busy. Don’t want anything to do with whatever you’re talking about.
Mr. Krabs: Fine, keep it that way, Mr. Squidward. (pulls out an urchin and tosses it into the cash register) That’ll take care of him. SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (stops drooling, salutes) Yes, sir, Mr. Krabs, sir!
Mr. Krabs: Did you even hear a word of what I said?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Nope. But I will do whatever you say, boss man.
Mr. Krabs: Good. However, I need another loyal crew mate to babysit Pearl.
SpongeBob: Oh, you’re having us babysit Pearl? Oh, she is such a sweetheart!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, (chuckles) a sweetheart. So get someone who can come with ya to take care of her.
SpongeBob: (with Patrick suddenly appearing next to him) Already taken care of.
Patrick: (moans, rubs belly) Is there any food here? (Mr. Krabs raises a finger) That is free? (Mr. Krabs lowers his finger)
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) Patrick will work, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (jumping) Hooray! (looks at Squidward, snickering) ♪Na-na-na-boo-boo, guess who’s a little chicky poo!♪ (turns into Mocking SpongeBob and clucks at Squidward, who doesn’t hear him)
Patrick: (tugging at SpongeBob’s sleeve) C’mon, SpongeBob! Where’s the food?!
SpongeBob: Oh, you’ll find food alright. At Mr. Krabs’ house.
Mr. Krabs: There will be no free food at me house. You are only babysittin’, you understand?
SpongeBob: (staring into space) Sorry, I was thinking about jellyfish.
Patrick: FOOD! (starts drooling)
Mr. Krabs: So, what are you boys gonna do tonight?
SpongeBob: I'm gonna kick butt and chew bubblegum. (puts on sunglasses) And I'm all out of bubblegum.
Patrick: FOOD! (has a tantrum)
Mr. Krabs: (sighs heavily)
(Bubble transition to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs in the Krabs house, with Mr. Krabs one foot out the door.)
Mr. Krabs: Remember, boys, do. NOT. TOUCH. (close-up of him spitting) ANYTHING. (spit gets onto SpongeBob’s shirt)
SpongeBob: (salutes) Aye, aye, captain Krabs!
Patrick: (salutes) Eye, eye, napkin Bags!
Mr. Krabs: (groans) I can't hang out here all night, (points to himself) I've got a life! (shuts door behind him as he leaves)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (jumping for joy) We’re babysitters! (dancing with each other) Babysitters, babysitters, babysitters, babysitters!
Pearl: (from her room) Can you boys shut it?! I’m trying to do this new viral trendy dance I found!
Patrick: What’s a survival bendy pants?
SpongeBob: It’s a ‘’viral trendy dance’’, Patrick. It’s when you do something relevant to the current times, like this! (Jellyfish Jam music plays as he does several dances from that episode)
Patrick: Whoa, that’s awesome. (belly rumbles) But I gotta eat something!
(Patrick runs into the bathroom and is heard munching. SpongeBob scratches his head as the scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff sitting at a dinner table at Fancy!.)
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Krabsy, this is the best date night I have had in quite a while. You haven’t even done anything cheapskatey yet!
Mr. Krabs: And I’m doing it all for you, (squeezes Mrs. Puff’s cheek) Puffy Wuffy!
Mrs. Puff: (blushing) Oh, Eugene!
(A waiter comes by and gives them their menus. Mr. Krabs looks at the prices and sighs.)
Mrs. Puff: Something wrong, Eugene?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, nothing, darling. Just happy being here with you. (eyes a rich couple at nearby table, which has lots of luxurious food items)
Mrs. Puff: (off-screen) Aw, that’s sweet.
(Mr. Krabs keeps an eye on the other table.)
Fancy lady: I’m gonna get up and use the (raises pinky) potty, Nigel. (gets up) Don’t leave the table! Oh, I can hear my bowels digesting themselves! Oh! (leaves)
Fancy man: (licks lips, looks at food) More for me.
(As the man starts eating his wife’s meal, Mr. Krabs sneakily starts to eat the man’s meal.)
Mr. Krabs: (mouth full) Mmm, scrumpterious!
Fancy man: (sees Mr. Krabs eating his meal, and screams so loud that the windows break)
Security: (appears out of thin air) Suddenly Appearing Security, at your service! (kicks Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff out of the restaurant) It appears my work here is done. (grabs a can of invisible spray and sprays himself to disappear)
(Cut back to Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff, right outside of the Fancy! restaurant.)
Mrs. Puff: (wiping her clothes) Eugene, this is ridiculous. I thought you had changed for me, but it appears you are the (yelling) same cheapskate you’ve always been!
Mr. Krabs: (pleading) I’m sorry, my wittle baby Puffykins, I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Anything!
(Mrs. Puff looks unamused.)
Mr. Krabs: Tell ya what. I have a couple of chicken costumes in me stash for safe keepin’. (opens up his head to reveal two Feathered Friends costumes and pulls them out) One for me, and one for me lover. We can use these to sneak back in.
Mrs. Puff: You ‘’promise’’ you won’t be cheap this time?
Mr. Krabs: Cross me heart and hope to fry.
Mrs. Puff: (groans) Okay, then, I’ll give you one more chance. (puts on the chicken costume) Oh this is nice. (starts clucking like the Mocking SpongeBob meme)
Mr. Krabs: (puts on his chicken costume and goes inside with Mrs. Puff)
(The two of them sit down at a table in their chicken costumes, and the same waiter gives them menus.)
Waiter: Ah, I see it's the annual chicken costume convention. Would you guys like some drinks to start today?
Mrs. Puff: We'd like the extra sparkly sparkling water, please.
Waiter: Ah, excellent choice. (suddenly looks uncomfortable) I can feel my bowels digesting themselves! I gotta go! (rushes to the bathroom)
Mr. Krabs: Hehehe, bowel movements.
Mrs. Puff: (flirty) Oh, Eugene, you're so immature.
Mr. Krabs: Not as immature as me daughter Pearl. Speaking of Pearl, I wonder what she's up to with me babysitters.
Mrs. Puff: Babysitters? Who did you hire?
(Cut back to Mr. Krabs’ house, where in the restroom, Patrick is munching on the sink.)
Patrick: Tasty sink. (takes a huge bite out of the sink) Tasty tile. (rips a tile from the floor and eats it whole, eyes widening) Ooh! Tasty toilet! (takes a gigantic bite out of the toilet, making it flush) Hehe, flushy flushy! (sees a yellow substance on the floor) Hehehe, sucky sucky! (slurps the yellow substance)
(SpongeBob is in Pearl's room, trying to talk to her, but she is literally glued to her phone.)
SpongeBob: Pearl, I know how to be hip and cool!
Pearl: It's (spitting on SpongeBob) coral! Get it right. (groans loudly and continues looking at her phone)
SpongeBob: Oh, come on, I know how to be… coral! (does the Sponge dance from The Chaperone) Remember this?
Pearl: Ugh, you are so RIDICULOUS! I'm locking myself in here until you brats leave! (shoves SpongeBob out and locks the door with 20 different locks)
SpongeBob: Okay, see you later, alligator!
Patrick: (burping, next to SpongeBob) What's an escalator?
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you have cotton in your ears?
Patrick: (picks his ear and pulls out an earwax-covered diaper) Apparently I have a diaper in my ear. (shoves it back into his ear) So, how's the baby?
Pearl: (off-screen) I'm not a baby! I'm 15!
Patrick: What? You're 23? Dang, she's old.
SpongeBob: Since it seems Pearl wants to be alone for now, why don't we head downstairs and check out all the cool navy stuff Krabs has?
Patrick: Oh, boy! More food! (eats SpongeBob’s hand)
(Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick downstairs, oohing and ahhing at the navy paintings.)
Patrick: (pointing at Mr. Krabs’ first dollar, drawn in blue crayon with a smiley face) Ooh, what's that one?
SpongeBob: I don't remember this being here. Must be something new Krabs put up.
Patrick: Yeah, well, I'm still hungry so I'm heading back upstairs for some grub. See ya later, SpongeBob. (walks stupidly upstairs, farting on each step)
SpongeBob: (waving hand, catching the scent from Patrick’s farts) Eww! Cheap old wood smell! Mixed with… (sniffs) urine and micro plastics. (sniffing) Interesting.
(Cut back to Fancy!, where Mr. Krabs is flipping patties on a makeshift grill)
Mrs. Puff: What in Neptune are you doing, Eugene? This has to be illegal.
Mr. Krabs: (flipping a patty, which lands on his nose) Nonsense, honey. I'm a one man machine! I can do just about anything! (sniffles) Anything with SpongeBob manning the grill. (sobs, leaving a trail of tears, which causes some customers to flow towards him)
Customer: Hey, chicken man, can I have one of your burgers?
Eel from Walking Small: Yeah, yeah, me too!
Hoopla: Hoopla! (licks lips)
Mrs. Puff: Well, Eugene, it seems you've really outdone yourself this time.
Mr. Krabs: (receiving cash from customers and handing them their poorly-made patties) True that, Puff. True that.
Mrs. Puff: True that.
Customer: True that.
Other customer: True that.
Other other customer: True that.
Fred: My leg!
(Cut back to Krabs’ house, where SpongeBob is still looking around at his old navy stuff.)
SpongeBob: This is super-spectacularly-awesome-errific! (explodes into a million pieces, then reappears and sees Mr. Krabs' penny pinching award) Ooh, what's this? (picks up the award, but immediately drops it upon hearing Pearl screaming) Pearl!
(SpongeBob rushes into Pearl’s room, now completely unlocked, where Patrick is sucking on Pearl’s large head.)
Patrick: Look, SpongeBob, I’m getting the head! Tastes delicious, too.
SpongeBob: Patrick! Let go of Pearl right now!
Patrick: Nuh-uh! She tasty!
SpongeBob: Down, Patrick! (Patrick jumps down from Pearl’s bed, letting go of her, leaving drool behind)
Pearl: Ewww, gross! Also, your blubbering friend ate all of the locks I used! He’s an absolute monster! Ugh. (goes back to looking at her phone)
Patrick: (burps loudly, which causes several pictures in the house to fall down and shatter) (pats belly) I’m still hungry.
Pearl: (groans, shoves SpongeBob and Patrick out of her room, and slams the bedroom door behind her)
SpongeBob: Let’s go back downstairs, Patrick. I think we better not disturb her any more.
Patrick: Food.
(Cut to the two of them downstairs, with Patrick eyeing two paint buckets on the floor.)
Patrick: (pointing at the paint cans) What are those?
SpongeBob: Those are paint cans, Patrick. (scratching head) They look oddly familiar.
(SpongeBob tries to pry one of the cans open with his hand, which has turned into a screwdriver, when Narlene pops out of the can.)
Narlene: Howdy, SpongeBob! Howdy, Patrick!
SpongeBob: (excitedly) Narlene? Boy, am I excited to see you!
Narlene: I’m excited to see you too, SpongeBob! (sees a drooling Patrick) And Patrick, golly!
SpongeBob: Where’s Nobby? I’m sure he wants to join in on the fun.
(Nobby pops out of the other paint can, speaking gibberish. He throws the paint can out of a window, breaking it, and speaks gibberish again.)
Narlene: Nobby asks what you two are doing at the old crab’s house.
SpongeBob: Oh, we’re babysitting his daughter Pearl. She’s such a sweetheart.
Patrick: We’re gonna sit on the baby! And then we’re gonna eat her! (spaces out, drools)
Narlene: By golly, I bet she is a sweetheart, SpongeBob. Can we see her?
SpongeBob: Sure. (calling) Pearl! Someone wants to see you!
(Pearl, groaning, stomps downstairs, still glued to her phone.)
Pearl: What is it-uh? I’m trying to copy a viral trend! (sees Narlene, gasps) Oh. My. Gosh! Is it really you, Narlene?
Narlene: Darn tootin’ it is, sister! (gasps) Hey, remember the time we played ring around the rosie with you as a baby?
Pearl: No.
(Flashback to Kamp Koral, where SpongeBob, Narlene, Nobby, and Patrick are all playing ring around the rosie with Pearl.)
Everyone: ♪Ring around the rosie,
A pocket full of posies.
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down!♪
(Patrick actually falls down, and everyone laughs as he lets out a toot. End of flashback.)
Pearl: Oh yeah. I totally remember that. Now if you’ll excuse me. (tries to turn her phone back on, but it won’t work) Why won’t this thing work?!
Patrick: (burps, revealing he has eaten Pearl’s phone charger)
SpongeBob: Patrick! How in the world did you eat that thing and not get hurt?
Patrick: (shrugs) I dunno. It was the thingy’s fault for just lying there.
Narlene: Not to worry, everybody. (pulls out a jar of Sugar Squeeze) My patented Sugar Squeeze is here to save the day!
SpongeBob: (applauding) Hooray for Narlene!
(Narlene pours some of the Sugar Squeeze onto Pearl’s phone, which electrocutes everyone in the room.)
SpongeBob: Well that didn’t work. Darn.
Pearl: (groans for approximately 10 seconds)
Patrick: Well, (points to the kitchen) I’m gonna go get some more grub. See you guys later. (enters kitchen)
(Patrick starts eating everything in the kitchen.)
Patrick: (eating oven) Yummy oven! (eating pots and pans) Yummy cooking stuff! (continues eating everything else in the kitchen until only the kitchen sink is left) Darn, I’ve eaten everything but the kitchen sink! (shrugs) Oh well.
(Bubble transition back to Fancy!, where Mr. Krabs is still serving the patties, along with Mrs. Puff now as his cashier.)
Mrs. Puff: This is quite the side hustle, Eugene. (gives a burnt patty to a customer) I hope I’m keeping half of the profits we get today.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs heartily, wipes tear from eye) Oh, you’re funny. You’re so funny, Puffykins.
(Suddenly, the Suddenly Appearing Security appears again, this time with two more security: Rea and Roh.)
Security: Suddenly Appearing Security here to suddenly appear! (tosses Mr. Krabs’ makeshift oven out the window)
Rea: Ugh, peasants. Peasants ruin everything, don’t they?
Roh: Indeed. (clears throat) You two are banned from this establishment until further notice. Ta-ta!
(Cut to Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff being kicked out of the restaurant.)
Mr. Krabs: I’m sorry, Puff. I should’ve known better.
Mrs. Puff: It’s okay, Eugene. (whispering) You’re still giving me the profits, right?
Mr. Krabs: What was that? (finger in ear) I can’t quite hear well today. (worried) Oh, I hope me baby’s okay. (pulls out his wallet and cuddles it) Sweet wittle baby waby…
Mrs. Puff: (groans)
(Bubble transition back to Mr. Krabs’ house, where Narlene is playing a song on her banjo for everyone.)
Narlene: ♪Ohhhh, the toe jam song is what I’m singin’ today
Ohhh, the toe jam song is what makes the kids go play
There’s toe jam and toe jelly, just rub that on yer belly
Ohhhh, the toe jam song is what I sang today♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: (vigorously cheering and whistling) Bravo! Bravo!
Narlene: Wanna see my real toe jam collection?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, yeah!
Pearl: Ugh. (still glued to her phone)
Narlene: (pulls out toe jam jar from her pocket) Take a gander, boys.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooh.
Patrick: It looks delicious! (takes the jar and eats it whole, but then spits it out) Yuck! Disgusting!
Narlene: Well you weren’t supposed to eat it, silly billy!
Patrick: (wiping tongue) Now I gotta wash it down with something more tasty.
French Narrator: Several Inedible House Items Later…
(Cut to Patrick with a gigantic belly, who has eaten the entire house.)
SpongeBob: You’ve eaten him out of house and home, Patrick!
Narlene: By golly, he sure has an appetite.
Patrick: (burps) Man, I’m so full.
Pearl: (inside Patrick’s stomach) Like, get me out of here! I need to find a way to charge my phone!
(Just then, SpongeBob sees Mr. Krabs whistling back home.)
SpongeBob: Barnacles! Mr. Krabs is back home already!
Narlene: Welp, it’s about time me and Nobby scram. See ya guys later. We’ll be back… (winking) sooner than ya think.
(Nobby digs a hole underground, and he and Narlene go inside it before Krabs sees them.)
Mr. Krabs: (is about to open the front door when he notices the entire house is gone) What?!
SpongeBob: Uhh… (chuckles nervously, stands in front of Patrick)
Patrick: (burps loudly)
Mr. Krabs: ‘Scuse you, lad.
SpongeBob: So… are you mad at us? For… eating you out of house and home? (chuckles nervously, sweating)
Mr. Krabs: I… I…
(SpongeBob’s heart starts beating out of his chest.)
Mr. Krabs: I love it!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: I didn’t tell you boys this, but just about a week ago I found this nifty coupon online for a free house. Turns out, the free house comes today! How wonderful is that?
SpongeBob: Wonderful, just wonderful…
Patrick: (vomits up Pearl, who slides in front of her dad)
Pearl: Daddy!
Mr. Krabs: Pearly! (hugs her) Oh, how I missed you.
Pearl: Is there any chance you have a phone charger on you?
Mr. Krabs: A what now? (a loud thump is heard, and he notices his new house) Oh, would you look at that? Me new house is here!
Pearl: It looks exactly like our old house.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I got the Identical House coupon. From some totally legit website, I’m so smart.
SpongeBob: So does this mean all this babysitting stuff was for nothing?
Mr. Krabs: Welllll I could’ve used my Babysitting coupon I found from the same website, but I decided, why not use me fellow employees as my babysitters instead?
Patrick: Hooray, SpongeBob! We did nothing!
Mr. Krabs: C’mon, why don’t we come inside? (they all enter the “new” house)
SpongeBob: Ooh, looks nice. Almost like we didn’t ruin the entire thing.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah… (chuckles nervously, notices something) Oh my Neptune! (rushes over to his first dollar)
SpongeBob: What’s wrong, Mr. K?
Mr. Krabs: You! You messed up my dollar!
SpongeBob: (screams)
Mr. Krabs: -rama! (close-up of his doll-o-rama, puts a doll back in its place) And the construction workers thought I wouldn’t notice!
(There is about five seconds of silence, and then everybody laughs. The camera irises out, and Narlene pops up with a jar of her toe jam and a butter knife.)
Narlene: I got more jam! (camera iris closes in on her as the episode ends)
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