Advice No One Asked For - Number Nine/Transcript

Advice No One Asked For - Number Nine is the ninth episode of Buckley's "Advice No One Asked For" series. It is available as an audio file on his website (in the "Supplements" section), as well as on YouTube.
Description (as seen on the website): I help a girl who's been "keeping it in the family" make a tough decision.
Description (as seen on YouTube): Because I just want to be helpful whether people want me to be or not, it's the ninth edition of "Advice No One Asked For"!  This week, a decision needs to be made to tell or not to tell the family about an unexpected pregnancy...but of course, there's a twist.
==Transcript==
(introduction music playing during the following paragraph)
This is "Advice No One Asked For".  The segment at A Dose of Buckley where I stick my nose into business it doesn't belong in, and, in the process, help someone that didn't want my help in the first place, and probably still doesn't want it after the fact.  Ah well.  Today's question comes from a girl who should probably be on "Maury Povich" if she hasn't been already.
Dear anyone but Buckley,
I'm sixteen and pregnant.  The father of my baby is my stepbrother.
Wait.  Jesus cocksucking Christ, your stepbrother?  Alright, fuck.  Well, let's continue, I guess.
It's my fault because I seduced him when we were home alone.  Last night my sister said I need to go on a diet because I'm gaining weight, and she joked that I look pregnant.  I don't think she has any idea that I really am.  I won't be able to hide this pregnancy much longer.  My parents will go crazy, and my stepbrother will also be in major trouble even though it isn't really his fault.  I can tell you that my mom will not be understanding.  Please help.
Let's call her..."Incestuous in Indiana".
First off, your mom's not going to be understanding?  Well, gee, I can't imagine why.  Might it be because you let your stepbrother raw dog  you and now you're still in high school, carrying a child whose dad is also his uncle? Sure you aren't blood related, so the baby probably won't come out with a third of an arm or half a face or something, but that's still fucked up.  Also, your sister sounds like kind of a bitch, saying that you need to go on a diet, but her probable eating disorder is another advice column for another day.  Anyway, unless you tied him up and raped him, it's his fault as much as it is yours.  Humans are supposed to have something called "impulse control", which allows them to make decisions for themselves.  Decisions such as, "I shouldn't fuck my slutty sixteen year old sister that waits until everyone's out of the house, then comes onto me!"  So here's the thing.  It's obvious that you're too much of a fucking idiot to raise a child, so you have two options.  Option one, a visit to the womb-vaccumer, or option two, a visit to a pediatrician so you and the baby can be properly looked after, so that when uncle-daddy's baby comes out of your stupid vagina, either your mother can raise it, or it can be put up for adoption, and you can go back to having family members drill you in peace.  
(introductory music playing)
I'm Buckley, and you're welcome.
Category:Transcripts