Big Black Chalk

"Big Black Chalk" is a Season 1 episode of Squiddie's School, and the 10th overall.
==Characters==
*Squidward Tentacles
*Patrick Star
*Eugene H. Krabs
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Sheldon J. Plankton
*Pearl Krabs
*Bubble Bass
*CrazySponge
*Matchy
*Gary the Snail
*Larry the Lobster
*Sandy Cheeks
*Melissa
==Synopsis==
When Squidward calls out Patrick for bringing colored chalk to school, citing it as childish, Patrick challenges Squidward to an art battle with chalk.
==Transcript==
[episode begins with Patrick and SpongeBob walking to school]
Patrick: Oh boy, I still can’t wait for Mr. Tentacles to rub his artistic tentacle on us.
SpongeBob: Patrick, I love you man, but you gotta give up the artistic tentacle already.
Patrick: [singing] Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!
SpongeBob: [facepalms] Did you bring a paint brush?
Patrick: Dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun- wait, what?
SpongeBob: We were supposed to bring a paint brush for today’s lesson. [takes brush out of his back pocket] Easiest homework so far. [puts it back] So….
Patrick: Of course I do! Uh… [looks around nervously] Ooh! [points at head] I’ll use my head as a brush! 
SpongeBob: Yeah, I don’t think that’ll work. [deadpan expression] 
Patrick: Pffft, fine. I’ll go back and whip out some of my good ol’ magic. [runs back to his house before getting out of breath, starting to pant] Why is my house so far away?!
SpongeBob: Patrick, we’ve only walked 50 feet from your house. [camera zooms out to show that they’re next to the house, as Patrick shrugs it off and heads inside]
Patrick: Alright, Patrick, hold yourself together. Where the hell do I keep my paint brushes? [thinks] Hm… oh, I know! The sex dungeon! [opens one of the doors in his house to show a bunch of medieval equipment and sex workers]
Sex Worker: Oh, Patrick, you’ve been a naughty boy. [pulls lever] Time for you to get punished.
Patrick: Not now, Melissa. Where do I keep the paint brushes?
Melissa: Let me paint you all up. [Patrick slams door behind him; Melissa takes off her mask and pulls out a cigarette] Ungrateful bastard. I don’t get paid enough for this. [takes a puff as it cuts to Patrick back in the hallways]
Patrick: Hm… [snaps] Oh, I know! The regular dungeon! [opens another door which leads him to go outside] Oh wait, I don’t have a regular dungeon.
SpongeBob: What the? Patrick, come on.
Patrick: But… I don’t have…
SpongeBob: Here. [gives him a box of chalk] I’m sure he’ll let you use these instead.
Patrick: Well, I did skip breakfast. [pulls out a black stick of chalk] This is a BIG chalk. Such a nice, black chalk. [starts sucking on it before chewing, SpongeBob then slaps it out of his hand] 
SpongeBob: You’re not supposed to eat these, damn fool. You’re supposed to make art with it. 
Patrick: Counterargument: I was making AMAZING art with it.
SpongeBob: Who cares. We’re gonna be late if we keep talking about your deplorable actions. [walks back towards the school with Patrick before he turns around again] Hey, you think I could borrow your sex dungeon for my birthday this year?
Patrick: I only have a regular dungeon.
[cuts to the school, where SpongeBob and Patrick walk through the doors]
SpongeBob: Greetings damn fools and blasted buffoons.
Squidward: [turns forward from his desk] Greetings, truants.
Patrick: Indeed. We are very true.
Squidward: You people need to be disciplined.
Patrick: Oh don’t worry, Squidward, I have my sex dungeon for that.
Squidward: [punches the wall] Just sit down and get your paint brushes out. Jesus… 
[SpongeBob and Patrick sit down as Squidward goes back to his lesson]
Squidward: Alright, so when we paint on a canvas, we want to do one stroke, two stroke, one stroke, two stroke.
Matchy: AWWWEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUHHEHEHEHE!!
Squidward: MATCHY! What is the meaning of this indecency?
Matchy: I was simply practicing one stroke two stroke.
Squidward: Unless your penis is a paintbrush, that behavior is HIGHLY unacceptable here. [points to the door] Out! NOW! [Matchy walks out as Squidward gives a stern look] Now then.
SpongeBob: Hm… [paints inside the outline he was given, meanwhile Patrick is sitting there watching]
Patrick: Chalk has to be able to do this, I know it can. [colors inside the outline with chalk, making scraping noises on the canvas] Oooh.
Squidward: [cringes] I thought I told Matchy to vacate the premises!
Sandy: You did. 
SpongeBob: Yeah Sandy, I just hope you don’t vacate my-
Squidward: Then WHERE is that blasted buffoon sound coming from?
[Patrick continues to color the drawing, as Squidward sees him and comes over to his table. Squidward grabs the chalk from his hand.]
Patrick: Squid! I mean, uh, Mr. Tentacles?
Squidward: Patrick. [dangles the chalk right in front of him] What is this?
Patrick: I don’t know, you tell me.
Squidward: Chalk, Patrick. Chalk. Now, didn’t I tell you to bring a paintbrush?
Patrick: Well, yeah, but I kinda got distracted by Melissa, and uh, yeah.
SpongeBob: Sir, who cares if he brought chalk instead. You can still do those strokes with chalk. I do the same strokes with Sandy’s dildo.
Sandy: Say what now?
Squidward: [facepalms] Chalk shall not be used for professional instructions such as this one. Especially not big, black chalk like that. You need to keep those in bed, and store them inside two nice, fat vanilla ice cream scoops. You got that?
Bubble Bass: Hey, that’s where I shove my Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures!
Patrick: [ignores him] So… you’re saying I need big, fat, juicy ice cream scoops in my sex dungeon now?
Squidward: NO! I’m saying that you need to learn how to paint. You can’t go anywhere in your art life simply using playground pencils.
Matchy: [peeking inside] I use my playground pencil a lot.
Patrick: Well, Squidward, if you’re so trashy about chalk, why don’t we just settle this?
Squidward: Elaborate.
Patrick: I’ll challenge you to a chalk drawing competition. Me versus you, class chooses the winner. If I win, you have to teach a lesson about chalk.
Squidward: You’re on. But if I win, you have to do twice as much paint work.
Patrick: Deal. [they shake hands]
Squidward: You’ve got 3...
Patrick: Oh that’s plenty of…
Squidward: …seconds.
[Gary slithers over, using his eyes to push a rock on each side of the table. Patrick takes his box of chalk and puts it on the table]
Patrick: My own chalk.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you borrowed it from-
Patrick: [shushes SpongeBob] I get to keep the black ones.
Squidward: Speaking of which, why is there so much black chalk?
Patrick: Because they penet- I mean, draw better. And they’re bigger.
Squidward: I see.
[Gary gets onto the table and begins to count them off]
Gary: Meow… [shows Patrick with a stern look] meow… [shows Squidward with a stern look] meow! [blows whistle to begin]
[Squidward gets to work right away, scraping the chalk against the rock while Patrick sheds a sweat]
Squidward: Oh yeah. This takes me back. [starts drawing a picture of Patrick, using pink chalk]
Eugene: Good shit, teacher, I bet a lot of me money on you. [sheds a tear] I already miss it.
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick! Draw Squidward’s big juicy succulent nose!
Squidward: [drops chalk] Hey, that’s Mr. Tentacles to you!
Patrick: Uh… [sweating as he hovers his chalk over the rock] How do I do this again?
Sandy: Patrick, you were doing it perfectly before. Just draw Mr. Tentacles on that Rock. [looks down] Uh, why are you holding that chalk in front of my lower region?
Patrick: For the pleasure. 
SpongeBob: So… why are you doing this challenge then?
Patrick: [snaps] For the pleasure! [Patrick uses green chalk to draw the outline of Squidward as he starts to put effort into his drawing.] I’m starting to get it now!
Squidward: [clenches his fist] Keep going, Squiddy boy. I can’t lose to this starburst looking idiot. [pushes his chalk into the rock, which causes the chalk to deplete faster] Shit! [grabs a black one from the box before tossing it out in favor of a pink one]
Patrick: Hey! [grabs black chalk from the air] I want that one. [begins to suck on it]
SpongeBob: PATRICK!
Patrick: Oops. [puts black chalk down while taking a brown one out]
Narrator: One boring competition later…
SpongeBob: 30 more seconds, guys.
[both Squidward and Patrick look tired, as they have both covered their rocks with drawings of the other person and several background drawings, using a variety of different colors. They both fall back in their chairs showing that they’re done]
Squidward: I can’t add anymore. My tentacles are sore.
Patrick: My arms are tense. Looks like I’m not doing some kinky stuff with Melissa tonight.
SpongeBob: Can I do it though? Remember: I let you borrow my chalk.
Patrick: Vote for me to win and it’s a deal.
SpongeBob: Alright! [shakes hand]
Sheldon: I didn’t know bribing was that easy. [turns to Eugene] Hey, Eu-
Eugene: No.
[Sheldon has a deadpan expression as Gary sounds the whistle]
Gary: Meow meow, meow meow. [Squidward and Patrick put their chalk down]
SpongeBob: Alright, everyone. I need your final vote to see who won.
[everyone takes a piece of chalk to write their vote as SpongeBob reads them] 
SpongeBob: Hmm… we have a tie. 4 to 4.
Patrick: Aha, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to kick Matchy out, ey Mr. Tentacles?
Squidward: Come on, folks, I clearly did better.
Eugene: I agree! Well, plus I have 30 grand riding on this, so.
SpongeBob: Gary, what do you think?
Gary: Meow meow.
SpongeBob: Hm. I see. [turns to the two] Alright, guys, Gary says that we have to settle this via a tiebreaker. [the two look shocked]
Patrick: And what would that be?
SpongeBob: Whoever slurps the most chalk in one minute will take home the win. Got that?
Squidward: What?! That is preposterous.
Gary: Meow! [blows whistle]
Patrick: Oh boy! [starts sucking and then eating all of the black chalk] Put it in me, daddy!
Squidward: Um…
[Patrick eats all the chalk]
Patrick: Done!
SpongeBob: Congratulations Patrick! [Gary blows whistle] You’ve won the great chalk off!
Patrick: Woohoo! [turns to Squidward] In your face, Squidward!
Squidward: [chuckles] And you had big black chalks in your face, so…
Patrick: Who cares. I WON! [throws rock in celebration, which lands on CrazySponge]
CrazySponge: Hooooooopl….uh.
Everyone: OH MY GOD CRAZYSPONGE DIED OH GOD OH FUCK!
[cuts to scene where Squidward is teaching the chalk lesson]
Squidward: And that’s how you all stroke chalk against a canvas. [sighs]
SpongeBob: [turns to Patrick] So, Patrick, now’s the matter of the dungeon.
Patrick: Hold on. Let me digest these big black girthy chalks first. Then we’ll talk.
Sandy: [deadpan expression] You people are disgusting.
[episode ends]
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