Episode 109: Alec Baldwin transcript

== Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room ==
Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 57 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)."
Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch for telling me, Scooter, I'll be with you guys in a jiffy."
Cut to Kermit appearing through The Super Muppet Telethon logo........
Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon with our very special guest star, Mr. Alec Baldwin, yaaaaay!"
[Music In Background]
Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]
[Upbeat Music In Background]
Female Muppet Friends: It's time to 
play the music
it's time
to light
it's time
to meet
the Muppets
on The Super Muppet Telethon
tonight
Male Muppet Friends: it's time to
put on make-up
it's time to
dress up right
it's time to raise
the curtain
on The Super Muppet Telethon
tonight
Waldorf: why do we
always come here
Statler: I guess we'll never know
Waldorf: it's like
some kind of torture
Statler and Waldorf: to have
to watch
the show
[Music Continues In Background]
Kermit: and now 
let's get things
started
Miss Piggy: why don't you
get things
started
Kermit and Muppet Friends: it's time to get 
things started
on the most sensational
inspirational
celebrational
Muppetational 
this is what 
we call 
The Super Muppet Telethon.
[Vacuum Cleaner Humming]
== Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction ==
Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Super Muppet Telethon, that's exactly right, it's a super wonderful evening for all of us 'cause tonight's guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's been in Thomas and the Magic Railroad, The Cat in the Hat and all of it, but 1st, we have an opening musical number."
Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, Piggy's desperate to get back together with you again."
Kermit: "No doubt about it, but thanks a bunch for telling me that, Scooter."
Scooter: "You're welcome."
Kermit: "Here's the opening musical number."
===Opening Musical Number: Don't Go Breaking my Heart===
[Music In Background]
Miss Piggy: Don't go breaking
my heart
Kermit: I couldn't
if I tried
Miss Piggy: oh honey
if I get restless
Kermit: baby
you're not 
that kind
[Music Continues In Background]
Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking
my heart
Denise: you took the weight
off of me
Link Hogthrob: oh honey
when you walk
out the door
Denise: I gave you
my key
[Music Continues In Background]
Rizzo and Yolanda: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Rizzo: when I was down
Yolanda: I was your clown
Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Kermit: nobody knoooows
Gonzo: right from the start
Camilla: (clucking I gave you my heart
ohhhh 
I gave you my heart)
[Music Continues In Background]
Fozzie: so don't go 
breaking my heart
Doris: I won't go
breaking your heart
[Music Continues In Background]
Miss Piggy: and nobody
told us
Kermit: 'cause nobody
showed us
Link Hogthrob: and now 
it's up to us babe
Denise: I think 
we can make it
Miss Piggy: so don't 
misunderstand me
Kermit: you put
the light
in my life
Link Hogthrob: you put
the sparks 
to the flame
Denise: I got your heart
in my sights
Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Miss Piggy: when I was down
Kermit: I was your clown
Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Kermit: nobody knows it
Link Hogthrob: right from 
the start
Denise: I gave you
my heart
ohhhh
I gave you my heart
Rizzo: don't go breakin' 
my hea't
Yolanda: I won't go breaking 
your heart
Rizzo and Yolanda: don't go breaking 
my heart
Link Hogthrob and Denise: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Link Hogthrob: when I was down
Denise: I was your clown
Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Miss Piggy: right from the start
Kermit: I gave you my heart
ohhh
I gave you my heart
Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking
my heart
Denise: I won't go breaking
your heart
Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking
my heart
Rizzo and Yolanda: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Rizzo: when I was down
Yolanda: I was your clown
Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo
nobody knows it
Miss Piggy: nobody knows it
Miss Piggy (continued): right from the start
Kermit: I gave you my heart
ohh I gave you my heart
Rizzo: don't go breakin'
my hea't
Yolanda: I won't go breaking
your heart
Kermit: don't go breaking my
Miss Piggy: don't go breaking my
Gonzo: don't go breaking
my heart
Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking my
Denise: don't go breaking my
Kermit: don't go breaking
my heart....
Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.......
Waldorf: "I used to perform that song with Astoria at karaoke church parties in our younger years." 
Statler: "Well I used to do Disco Inferno myself."
Waldorf: "That makes you the king of disco rock music!"
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]
Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........
Kermit: "Now let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody."
=== Bear on Patrol sketch number: Stealing daisies and tulips ===
Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol."
Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, we're almost there, here we go, (he sits Rizzo right on the stool.) perfect."
Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What can I help you with, Patrol Bear?"
Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This rat's been caught stealing daisies and tulips from a nearby garden house."
Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name, please."
Rizzo: "I'm Rizzo de rat, and I'm innocent, I didn't steal dose daisies and tulips, I was just pickin' dem fo' Yolanda."
Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list."
Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent section of the guilty and innocent list and finds Rizzo's name written on there.
Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rizzo, looks like you're innocent after all, in that case, Patrol Bear, you can let him go free right now."
Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir."
Fozzie/Patrol Bear lets Rizzo go free at last.
=== Talk Spot: Discussing about true love ===
Kermit: "So, (Guest Star), what do you know about true love?"
Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, it's when you meet somebody that you really love and they go out with you as well."
Kermit: "Oh yeah, now I remember that."
Just then, Miss Piggy shows up looking ticked off and upset.
Kermit: "Hey, Piggy? is something disturbing you?" 
Miss Piggy: "I'm sick and tired of being broken up with you for good and I wanna get back together with you."
Kermit: "I agree with you, PIggy, I was thinking about the exact same thing you were thinking." 
Denise: "Did I just hear that? Kermit and Piggy are getting back together again, I think I might fall in love with Link when I tell him."
=== The Swedish Chef sketch number: Peanut butter and cream cheese on hamburger rolls ===
Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,
orn desh, dee born desh,
de umn
bork, bork, bork
Swedish Chef: "Eet's time tu meke peenoot booter und creem cheese oon hemborger rulls."
Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot smoot peenoot booter oon zee buttum hemborger rulls,"
The Swedish Chef puts smooth peanut butter on the bottom hamburger rolls.
Swedish Chef:  "next, poot creem cheese oon tup ooff zee peenoot booter pert,"
The Swedish Chef puts cream cheese on top of the peanut butter part.
Swedish Chef: "und feenelly, ve poot zee tup hemborger rulls oon zeem."
The Swedish Chef puts the top hamburger rolls on the peanut butter and cream cheese parts.
Swedish Chef: "Und zeere zeey ire, peenoot booter und creem cheese oon hemborger rulls."
Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Sandwich Number 1: "This kitchen's getting crazy,"
Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Sandwich Number 2: "or maybe it's real nutty."
Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"
Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......
Waldorf: "I enjoy the smell of peanut butter and cream cheese in the morning time."
Statler: "I prefer it with clover honey the way Fozzie does."
Waldorf: "The smell of sweet success!"
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]
Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.........
Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody."
=== Pigs in Space sketch number: The Hiccupinator 300 ===
Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek."
Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day's come and gone by,"
Link Hogthrob: "and it's gonna be a typical day for all of us."
Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention."
Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?"
Dr. Strangepork: "It's the Hiccupinator 300, you just push the green button and somebody who's standing right next to you would begin hiccuping uncontrollably."
Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button and Link Hogthrob begins hiccuping uncontrollably.
Link Hogthrob: "Uh oh, now [Hic!] you [Hic!] done [Hic!] it!"
Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How do you turn it off?"
Dr. Strangepork: "You push this red button and somebody stops hiccuping."
Dr. Strangepork pushes the red button and Link Hogthrob finally stops hiccuping.
Link Hogthrob: "At least I don't have my hiccups any longer."
Announcer: "Will Link Hogthrob ever keep his hiccups under control? will 1st Mate Piggy ever take charge? will Dr. Strangepork ever alert his crew members? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."
Statler: "I had a minor case of the hiccups once." 
Waldorf: "What did you do to get rid of them?"
Statler: "I took 1 deep breath and drank ice cold water from the arctic springs fountain."
Waldorf: "That's 1 good solution!"
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]
Kermit arrives out onstage.
Kermit: "And now it's time for Fozzie's Joke Time."
=== Fozzie's Joke Time ===
Fozzie: "Hiya, hiya, hiya, here I am, Fozzie Bear to tell you more jokes, why did the duck cross the road? to visit his best friend for life, the chicken on the other side. 
Waldorf: "Sometimes the bear just can't get enough of those jokes." 
Statler: "I agree with you, Waldorf." 
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again] 
Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again..... 
Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." 
=== Veterinarian's Hospital Sketch Number: Beautiful Day Monster as the patient ===
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." 
Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was out at a karaoke dance off party doin' the Macarena, then I did the limbo as well, I sure got those crazy dance moves, I was movin' around like a dancin' typewriter." 
Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your dance jokes." 
Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" 
Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." 
Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Beautiful Day Monster as the patient. 
Beautiful Day Monster: "What's going on with me? why do I keep scratching like this?" 
Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my word, Beautiful Day Monster, like, what happened to you?" 
Beautiful Day Monster: "I got the chills right down my spine, and I got uncontrollable itchiness." 
Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well that looks just like you all over." 
Announcer: "Will Nurse Janice ever keep this patient in control? will Nurse Piggy ever stay in touch with her hard work? does Dr. Bob know what he's doing? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-" 
Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, is there any word of advice for this patient?" 
Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say that he should use some meds and liquids and anti-itching cream." 
Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... 
Statler: "It looks like Beautiful Day Monster's got a terrible case of monster pox." 
Waldorf: "Well technically, it looks like he's got a terrible case of monster-itis." 
Statler: "That's 1 monster illness!" 
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again] 
Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... 
Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." 
=== Muppet Labs sketch number: The Flipinator 900 ===
[Clock Ticking]
[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]
Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Flipinator 900."
(Another brief pause)
Bunsen: "Have you ever wanted to flip a bean bag? well the Flippinator 900's just the thing, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate (he calls over to Beaker who's standing right on the other side of him.) come right over here, Beaker."
Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee."
Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, step right over there and get right on the Flipinator 900."
Beaker gets right on the Flipinator 900.
Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." 
Beaker puts some bean bags on the Flipinator 900 and it causes him to do back flips. 
Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm] 
Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, it looks like you're doing a back flip over there, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." 
Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... 
Waldorf: "I never saw Beaker do back flips like that." 
Statler: "And I never saw him do cartwheels either." 
Waldorf: "He's quite the excersising machine!" 
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again] 
Cut back to Kermit onstage....... 
Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Scooter, Fozzie, Rowlf and Lew Zealand for the closing musical number." 
=== Closing Musical Number: Octopus's Garden ===
[Music In Background] 
[Music Continues In Background] 
Scooter: I'd like to be 
under the sea 
in an octopus's garden 
in the shade 
Fozzie: he'd let us in 
knows where we been 
in his octopus's garden 
in the shade 
Rowlf: I'd ask my friends 
to come and see 
an octopus's garden with me 
Lew Zealand: I'd like to be 
under the sea 
in an octopus's garden 
in the shade 
[Music Continues In Background] 
Fozzie: we would be warm 
below the storm 
in our little hide away 
beneath the waves 
Scooter: resting our head 
on the sea bed 
in an octopus's garden 
near a cave 
Lew Zealand: we would sing 
and dance around 
because we know 
we can't be found 
Rowlf: I'd like to be 
under the sea 
in an octopus's garden 
in the shade 
[Music Continues In Background Again] 
Scooter: we would shout 
then swim about 
the coral 
that lies beneath 
the waves 
Lew Zealand: lies beneath the ocean waves 
Rowlf: oh what joy 
for every girl and boy 
knowin' they're happy 
and they're safe 
Fozzie: happy and they're safe 
Scooter: we would be 
so happy 
you and me 
no 1 there 
to tell us 
what to do 
Fozzie: I'd like to be 
under the sea 
in an octopus's garden 
with you 
Rowlf: in an octopus's garden 
with you 
Scooter: in an octopus's garden 
with you.... 
Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again...... 
Statler: "I sure wish I could visit an aquarium." 
Waldorf: "And I sure wish I was outta here as well." 
Statler:"Good thinking." 
Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Once Again] 
== Scene 2: Back onstage/the introduction ==
Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, you were all such a lovely audience out there, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!"
The Guest Star arrives out onstage.
Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really appreciate being on the show with all of you."
Denise shows up onstage.
Denise: "Kermit, guys, I bet you'll never guess what Link got for me.
Guest Star: "Well, Denise, what is it?"
Denise: "It's a golden locket with a photograph of him in it."
Link Hogthrob: "Anything for you, Denise honey cakes."
Kermit: "Good thing Piggy and I are no longer broken up now that Link and Denise are together as always, but we'll see you next time on The Super Muppet Telethon." 
Category:The Super Muppet Telethon season 1 episode scripts