House, M.D. vs Scrubs

Sociopathic, but undeniably intelligent physician from his titular show, House, M.D., Dr. Gregory House, and the inseparable duo from the sitcom Scrubs, Dr. John Dorian and Dr. Christopher Turk, compete with each other to see who's the better T.V. doctor(s) in a battle of contrasting personalities and loyalties to the Hippocratic oath. 
J.D. & Turk Background: Sacred Heart Hospital 
Doctor House Background: Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital
Lyrics in italics represent J.D.'s daydream. 
==Introduction==
===Announcer:===
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY 
J.D. & TURK 
VS 
DOCTOR HOUSE 
BEGIN!
==The Battle==
<tabber>
|-|The Battle=
===J.D. & Turk:===
Today is the day we engage a fake in that great fight,
But I promised Turk that we’d celebrate with Steak Night...
If only I could split in two. I’d still win by a huge amount,
And Body could prepare our feast while Head chews him out!
Cut the daydreams, J.D.! Huh?! Mr. House has got it out for us,
Let’s check the charts! So you’ve caught a case of sourpuss?
Then it’s my job to help dislodge your skull from your pelvic cavity,
That’d explain why this grump’s less colorful than Gray’s Anatomy!
So high up on his boss’s nuts, I gotta grab my cystoscope,
Epic flows to match our episodes, but yours are hit-or-misanthrope!
Even my scooter can move smoother than this loser can,
I’m way fly and save lives, but I’m no Superman!
Tell (Janitor!) to take the day off, I’ll sweep floors with Greg!
Diagnosis: You’re just a druggie trying to score his meds!
Second opinion: Your court cred’s more dead than Ted’s!
But it’s Your First Day, so make like Stacy… and break a leg!
===Doctor House:===
Your case doesn’t interest me, but I’ll strap on my own gloves 
‘Cause all you bring are flat lines, I don’t want no Scrubs. 
Not fair? Sure. But as far as I can stop to care, 
You’re big game hunting; Bambi and the Chocolate Bear. 
Instead of force-feeding eight seasons of Reid in our face, 
Skip the vaccines for Turk Fever and cut to the Chase. 
As for the dribbling simpleton who’s whipped by a Dominican, 
For a diabetic, it’s not surprising you’re insulint 
No need for a coat; I don’t cleanly battle. 
Doctor’s note: Appletinis doesn’t equal teenie apples, 
People don’t change like a penny in the door, 
But instead of testing my patience, stick to killing yours. 
Here’s a gamble; I deduce your subjects, and in turn, 
You hand the camera over to your interns. 
At least Denise won’t put me to sleep like Laverne, 
Take two antacids to cure that Sacred Heartburn. 
===J.D. & Turk:===
Seems you swore the Hippocritic oath, to defy our type of Guy Love
Ain’t talking surgery, but we know who Wilson’s been inside of!
With your ranting and raving, you’re better fought with Doctor Cox,
Went Double or Nothing, but this time, the House lost!
===Doctor House:===
I’ll give you a clue, since you choose to pursue this, 
The rash you get left with doesn’t come from Lupus. 
Environment scan: You work in a corrupt cesspool, 
Bill Lawrence should’ve pulled the plug on Med School. 
|-|Rap Meanings=
===J. D. & Turk:===
Today is the day we engage a fake in that great fight,
(The battle opens with one of J.D.’s classic fantasy scenes. One of the many staples of “Scrubs” is that J.D. will slip in and out of daydreams when a strange scenario is said aloud or thought of, sort of a cutaway gag in that respect. Here, J.D. opens by remembering that he is scheduled to battle Dr. House “today.”)
But I promised Turk that we’d celebrate with Steak Night…
(Providing some context to his upcoming scenario, J.D. reminisces that he promised Turk that, after supposedly winning their battle, they would celebrate by eating steak. Steak night is an annual holiday J.D. and Turk take to go to a steakhouse and eat, as the name implies, steak, being an important enough occasion to them that they created their own dance and song for it [which is the dance used in the endslate.] J.D. realizes the dilemma of needing time to both cook steak, and battle Dr. House.)
If only I could split in two. I’d still win by a huge amount,
(His proposed solution to this problem would be to split his body into two sentient parts, a reference to the recurring daydream gag “Floating Head Doctor,” where J.D. believes that, with enough money, he could pay for research to separate his head from his neck and create two living beings from himself, the head being smart while the body is more of a working drone.)
And Body could prepare our feast while Head chews him out!
(As represented here. One of the Floating Head Doctors scenes comes from J.D. not having enough time to take his then-girlfriend Kim out to karaoke while also needing to cook a roast for their dinner. Here, J.D. believes that his problem would be solved as his body could prepare Turk and J.D.’s victory meal while his head could rap battle House.)
Cut the daydreams, J.D.! Huh?! Mr. House has got it out for us,
(Turk awakes J.D. from his daydream prematurely to warn him that Doctor House has arrived and is intending to fight them.)
Let’s check the charts! So you’ve caught a case of sourpuss?
(So, J.D. jumps in, treating Dr. House like he would a patient by overlooking his charts, claiming he is plagued by “sourpuss,” or constant grumpiness and pessimism. A common gag on Scrubs is for the doctors to diagnose patients with nothing wrong with them with fake diseases, such as when a father developed a bruise from play-wrestling with his boy and Dr. Cox and J.D. diagnosed him with “the silly willies.”)
Then it’s my job to help dislodge your skull from your pelvic cavity,
(Following as if “sourpuss” is a real disease, Turk explains that, as a surgeon, it would be his job to disconnect Dr. House’s skull from inside of his pelvic cavity. The pelvic cavity is the region of the body that encompasses both the penis and the anus, so basically, Turk is saying Dr. House is so grumpy because his head is too far up his own ass.)
That’d explain why this grump’s less colorful than Gray’s Anatomy!
(J.D. follows up by saying that having his head stuck up his own ass would deduce why House is such a retracted, introverted old man. Gray’s Anatomy is another hospital-based television show that Scrubs made several jokes at the expense of. The titular character’s last name is “Gray,” obviously also implying the color gray, so for Dr. House to be “less colorful” than Gray, he’d be literally colorless. Color is usually used to imply entertainment value or fun, in which case J.D. claims House has neither.)
So high up on his boss’s nuts, I gotta grab my cystoscope,
(House shares a complicated relationship with his boss, Lisa Cuddy, who he had fallen in love with for a short time before their relationship fell apart due to his constant drug abuse. To “be on someone’s nuts” would mean to suck up to or be whipped by someone, and here, Turk implies that House is a pet to Lisa. A cystoscope is a tool used during a cystoscopy to enter the urethra and scan inside the testicles.)
Epic flows to match our episodes, but yours are hit-or-misanthrope!
(J.D. asserts that he and Turk’s flows are as consistently good as his episodes, which he claims are “epic,” all the while saying that House wins as often as he loses. House is a misanthrope, meaning he has a distrust for people and cares mostly for himself.)
Even my scooter can move smoother than this loser can,
(J.D. owns a scooter that he uses for travel named Sasha. Many of Sasha’s appearances end with her trashed or destroyed, or J.D. crashing her into something. However, J.D. claims that his unstable moped is still able to move more competently than House, who wobbles around using a cane due to his bad leg.)
I’m way fly and save lives, but I’m no Superman!
(The theme song to Scrubs and coincidentally one of flat’s favorite songs ends with and repeats the lyric “I can’t do this all on my own, [no, I’m no] I’m No Superman.” Turk reuses the lyric here, prephasing it by acclaiming his role as a surgeon for saving lives, as well as claiming he’s “way fly,” which means to be cool. Superman is, you should know this, the DC heroes icon who saves the day against supervillains, and has the ability to fly.)
Tell (Janitor!) to take the day off, I’ll sweep floors with Greg!
(The Janitor is a main character in Scrubs who is a conniving con artist who usually doesn’t actually fulfill his job as a janitor. Still, Turk demands that the Janitor be told to not come in since he’ll “sweep the floors” with Dr. House. To “sweep the floors” with someone is to beat them badly. Dr. House’s first name is Gregory, but he hates being called Greg by anyone he’s not close to. J.D. chips in to say “Janitor…” in his usual suspicious tone as he does whenever he is pranked by the Janitor.)
Diagnosis: You’re just a druggie trying to score his meds!
(J.D. wraps things up by giving his diagnosis on Dr. House, relaying back to the sourpuss case earlier, by seeing House as just a drug-addicted bum wanting more medicine. Sam Thompson is a recurring character in Scrubs on which this line is based, a drug-addicted patient who only fakes illness to score painkillers. Dr. House is addicted to Vicodin, a painkilling medicine that he almost ruins himself for.)
Second opinion: Your court cred’s more dead than Ted’s!
(A second opinion in medical terms is when a patient wants to hear from another physician before going through with the first’s recommendation. Turk uses the phrase here to mean a literal “second opinion” on House. “Court cred” in this case is a double-meaning, implying basketball primarily, which is a sport Turk is well-versed in and plays with other surgeons, but also meaning legal court. Ted, Sacred Heart’s resident lawyer, has never won a case and is a laughingstock of his career. Turk is basically saying Dr. House would be as bad at basketball as Ted is as a lawyer.)
But it’s Your First Day, so make like Stacy… and break a leg!
(“My First Day” was the first episode of Scrubs, and J.D. and Turk use it here to mean it’s Dr. House’s first attempt at rapping. “Break a leg” is a phrase used in theater to mean “good luck,” but it translates literally here as Dr. House’s leg had a muscle removed due to an infraction against his wishes and, as a result, he lives with perpetual severe pain in his right leg. Stacy Warner was House’s girlfriend at the time who recommended the procedure that ruined his leg, and they split as a result.)
===Doctor House:===
Your case doesn’t interest me, but I’ll strap on my own gloves
(Being a seeked-out doctor, House only takes cases that interest him. Here, he dismisses J.D. and Turk, saying that they don’t interest him with their rapping or stories, but nonetheless he’ll battle them anyway. To “strap on my gloves” would mean to prepare to battle, implied dirtily, and it would also mean in medical terms to prepare for a procedure.)
‘Cause all you bring are flat lines, I don’t want no Scrubs.
(“Flatlining” is the laymen term for when a heartbeat stops and a detection monitor displays a flat line. Here, House uses it for a double meaning, “flat lines” meaning J.D. and Turk rap poorly, but they also kill their patients. “I don’t want no scrubs” is a reference to the 1999 song of the same name by TLC, and is used here to mean Doctor House wants J.D. and Turk out of his hospital.)
Not fair? Sure. But as far as I can stop to care,
(Dr. House acknowledges that it would be unfair to dismiss Turk and J.D. and leave their verse hanging. But, he also claims he does not care about being just to them - he is only continuing for the following reason.)
You’re big game hunting; Bambi and the Chocolate Bear.
(Big-game hunting is the sport of… uh, hunting big-game animals, such as bears or buffalo's. Deer are also a common target of hunting, Bambi being the titular deer protagonist from Disney’s film of the same name. Nurse Carla refers to J.D. as “Bambi” throughout the entire series, a nickname he detests, because he was “jumpy” and “nervous” on his first day. “Chocolate Bear” is J.D.’s nickname for Turk, who calls him “Vanilla Bear” in return.)
Instead of force-feeding eight seasons of Reid in our face,
(J.D. had an off-and-on relationship with Dr. Elliot Reid, one that began in Season 1 and broke up and rejoined all the way until Season 8 where they finally got married. The romance subplot was so varying that characters made fun of it in-show as well, but Dr. House expresses tiredness of the plot and claims the show was trying too hard to make it believable.)
Skip the vaccines for Turk Fever and cut to the Chase.
(Turk got into trouble with his wife, Carla, for diagnosing his female patients with “Turk Fever,” which J.D. jokingly admitted he had “caught a little of as well.” To regularly get a vaccine for a disease is to ward it off, but House says through intricate wording that J.D. should stop repressing his romantic feelings for Turk he’s had from the beginning and date him instead of Elliot, thus saving eight seasons of romance subplot and “cutting to the chase.” The extremely close friendship of Turk and J.D. becoming gay is a recurring joke in Scrubs. “Cut to the chase” means to get to a point, and Robert Chase is a character on House, who was stabbed in Season Eight.)
As for the dribbling simpleton who’s whipped by a Dominican,
(House mocks Turk by referring to him as a “dribbling simpleton,” implying not only to play basketball but also to drool. Turk’s wife, Carla, is the more forceful of their couple and Turk often abides by her interests and rules, thus House calls him “whipped,” which means to be owned by your fiance. A recurring point of conflict between Turk and Carla is that Turk forgets Carla’s ancestry and tries to use it against her despite not knowing she’s really Dominican.)
For a diabetic, it’s not surprising you’re insulint
(Turk has type 2 diabetes. Diabetic patients rely on scheduled intakes of insulin to keep their blood sugar managed. House makes a pun on insulin with “insolent,” which means to be lowbrow and insulting.)
No need for a coat; I don’t cleanly battle.
(Dr. House does not wear a lab coat because he doesn’t want his patients to look at him as a doctor. J.D. wore a lab coat in the episode “My New Coat,” but only ended up being mocked for it, and so he never wore it again. Lab coats are worn not only to hold materials but also to keep the doctors clean, but House says he has no concerns with being clean while battling.)
Doctor’s note: Appletinis doesn’t equal teenie apples,
(A doctor’s note is a message penned by a physician after a check-up. J.D. has a taste for Appletinis, something he is mocked for regularly in Scrubs as it is considered a feminine drink. J.D. is sensitive about his Adam’s apple for being especially large. Dr. House makes a pun by separating the word “appletini” into “teenie,” meaning small, “apple,” meaning J.D.’s Adam’s apple, basically telling him that drinking girly alcohol won’t make his Adam’s apple smaller.)
People don’t change like a penny in the door,
(J.D. accidentally dropped a penny in a door on his first day, breaking the door, meaning the Janitor would have to fix it. When J.D. suggested looking for a penny, Janitor got suspicious of his specific guess and told him that if he found a penny, he’d go after him. J.D. lied and said he didn’t put the penny there, which was the beginning of he and Janitor’s strife throughout his entire career. “People don’t change” is one of Dr. House’s slogans, change meaning both to take on a new attitude but also physical cash.)
But instead of testing my patience, stick to killing yours.
(Dr. House makes a pun here with the homophone “patience/patients.” J.D. has several patients die on his watch throughout Scrubs, something that devestates him, but he claims he “has not killed any of his patients” because “none of his patients would blame him.”)
Here’s a gamble; I deduce your subjects, and in turn,
(Among his many other illegal hobbies, House is big into gambling. He also can deduce patients with extreme speed and precision, such as when he diagnosed an entire room of sick patients on his way out the door, not even looking at the most of them. Here, he offers to do the same for J.D. and Turk, and if he can succeed…)
You hand the camera over to your interns.
(...they would have to hand over their rapping roles to their interns. Scrubs: Interns was a mini web-series dedicated to hyping up the new Scrubs season, featuring the cast of J.D.’s interns as the main characters. The story was told through the camera of Sunny, one of the working physicians there, alongside other interns like Denise.)
At least Denise won’t put me to sleep like Laverne,
(Denise Mahoney is a character introduced in Season Eight who would go on to be the main character of Season Nine after J.D. left, effectively replacing him. She’s very insensitive to patients and has a dry, insulting sense of humor not unlike House’s. House claims that he’d rather battle Denise, who wouldn’t bore him like J.D. and Turk. Laverne Roberts was a main character in Scrubs who was killed off in Season Six after a car crash put her into a coma.)
Take two antacids to cure that Sacred Heartburn.
(Heartburn is the sensation that is created by overproduced stomach acid, but the origin of pain feels like it’s coming from the patient’s heart. Antacids are used to cure heartburn because they reduce stomach acid. Sacred Heart is the name of the hospital Scrubs takes place in, and when Laverne died, the entire cast of characters was tragically impacted. Heartburn also refers to the mental pain caused by the loss of someone held close to the affected.)
===J. D. & Turk:===
Seems you swore the Hippo-critic oath, to defy our type of Guy Love
(The Hippocratic Oath is the pledge to sincerity and privacy that doctors must take before assuming their position. Dr. House usually neglects this oath, whereas J.D. abides by it to the letter. Hippocratic sounds like “hypocritical,” which means to accuse someone of something when you yourself are guilty of the same offense. Here, J.D. calls House out for targeting he and Turk’s relationship. “Guy Love” was a duet sung by J.D. and Turk in the episode “My Musical” that was later reused in other episodes.)
Ain’t talking surgery, but we know who Wilson’s been inside of!
(James Wilson is House’s partner in crime, who he has joked about being gay with before. Turk is a surgeon, so his job is literally to “go inside people,” whereas to “be inside someone” is to have sex with them.)
With your ranting and raving, you’re better fought with Doctor Cox,
(Dr. Perry Cox is a main character of Scrubs and J.D.’s mentor, a cynical and sarcastic doctor who is very talented at his job, but very mean to his coworkers. Dr. Cox vs Dr. House is a popular suggestion, so it’s mostly a nod to that, since Cox and House do share many similarities.)
Went Double or Nothing, but this time, the House lost!
(“Double or nothing” is a gambling term, referencing Doctor House’s previous line, and also refers to a scene in Scrubs where Janitor makes a bet with Dr. Kelso that he could land a cotton ball into a jar from a far distance. He only was able to make it one time before Kelso made the bet, in which case he kept repeating “double or nothing” and trying again, which would double the price he’d have to pay when he missed again. “The house always wins” is a term referring to Casino gambling, but here, J.D. and Turk claim Doctor “House” lost his bet.)
===Doctor House:===
I’ll give you a clue, since you choose to pursue this,
(Doctor House offers to assist J.D. and Turk on something to be explained in the next line, since they did not forfeit like he offered.)
The rash you get left with doesn’t come from Lupus.
(Lupus is a medical disease that leaves the affected with heavy, distinguishable rashes. Doctor House claims his raps will leave Turk and J.D. with rashes from his “burns.” Lupus is a subject of a recurring joke in House, M.D., as House believes the case is “never Lupus.”)
Environment scan: You work in a corrupt cesspool,
(Part of House’s procedure for diagnosing his patients as well as violating the Hippocratic Oath is sending his doctors to wherever the patient regularly stays in order to assess the environment they take part in, called “an environmental scan.” House does so here with Sacred Heart, calling it corrupt and unmotivated, referring to Dr. Kelso, the greedy conman who runs the hospital and would rather kill patients if it means financial gain.)
Bill Lawrence should’ve pulled the plug on Med School.
(Bill Lawrence is the creator of Scrubs. Scrubs: Med School was the ninth season of Scrubs, even though the show was supposed to end with “My Finale” in Season Eight. Bill Lawrence did not want Med School to be officially recognize with “Scrubs” hence why he tacked on “Med School” to the title, but Dr. House claims he should’ve cut off the project all together. Med School is widely considered the worst season of Scrubs. To "pull the plug on someone" is usually used to describe cutting off the life support to someone with a terminal illness or bedridden in old-age. Here, Dr. House is using it to say Bill Lawrence should've killed off his own creation before Med School could've happened.)
</tabber>
== Outro ==
===Announcer:===
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLE-
(A heart monitor appears on screen and its beeping slowly stops as the logo gasps.)
of… history…
(The logo dies from heart failure.)
<poll>
WHO WON? 
J.D. & Turk 
Doctor House 
</poll>