The Road to Victory

The Road to Victory is the eighth and final episode of season two, and the fifteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 12, 2020. 
==Plot==
The first results of the primary season come in, followed by drop-outs and disqualifications. 
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perch Perkins: Greetings, Bikini Bottom. Today is the day of the Democratic, Republican, and Libertarian primaries in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. Mr. Chillyrooster and I will report the results tonight. Right now, the candidates vying for the nominations are putting up tough fights, and our reporters are on the scene to cover them.
[Cut to a Bernie Sanders rally, in a packed stadium.]
Mr. Sanders: This is a movement for working people. We demand Medicare for—
Bernie Bros: ALL!
Mr. Sanders: College for—
Bernie Bros: ALL!
Mr. Sanders: Paid for by—
Bernie Bros: PERCH PERKINS!
Mr. Sanders: That’s what I like to hear! All the polls have us in first place, I am confident that a repeat of 2016 won’t happen again.
[Cut to a R’Onion rally, in the middle of a forest.]
Mr. R’Onion: These “Bernie Bros” think Bernie is their hero! Ha! What a fraud that Bernie is! He’s a ruthless murderer, accepting endorsements from loggers’ unions, who want to kill you precious trees! Not on my watch! Vote for me tonight, if you want to live!
[Deafening silence. Suddenly, a tree branch snaps.]
Mr. R’Onion: [screams] NO! THE DESTRUCTION HAS ALREADY BEGUN! VOTE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
[Cut to a Pineapple rally, outside of a courthouse.]
Mr. Pineapple: I understand how some people like Bernie, I myself was a supporter of him in 2016, but time and time again Bernie has proven to be a fraud who cowers down to the establishment.
Ms. Loaded: How is Bernie bad?
Mr. Pineapple: I’ll tell you how Bernie’s bad. He endorsed Killary, a notorious war criminal in 2016, for the sake of “unity”. Well, I don’t care about unity, I care about what’s right. Biden and G have both played leading roles in the horrific Iraq War and the Bikini Bottom Civil War, respectively, but I can guarantee you that if any of these war criminals ended up winning the primary, Bernie would endorse them unconditionally, just like how Biden wants to unconditionally aid Israel! If you are a true believer in progressive values, then you must vote for me tonight!
[Cut to a G rally, inside a prison cell.]
Mr. G: Folks, this is where Mr. Pineapple wants to put me if he wins the presidency. I find this individual to be very unreasonable, as I find the term “war criminal” to be very subjective. Say you’re dealing with a snake infestation in your house. What any sane person would do in response is to force all of them out. I don’t think anyone, except for that crazy tree hugger, would call that a “war,” right? That’s basically what I did during the so-called “Bikini Bottom Civil War.” I tried to force all the political snakes out of the city, but all these crybaby human rights organizations started whining about me being a “war criminal” and saying that I should spend life behind bars! How is what I did any different from dealing with a mere snake infestation? Completely ridiculous! [turns away from the camera and towards the Prison Guard] Alright, my speech is over, you can let me out now, hopefully Mr. Pineapple doesn’t win and I end up staying here permanently.
[The Prison Guard frees Mr. G from the cell.]
[Cut to a Renaud rally, inside a studio.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey there, kiddies, I know most of you aren’t old enough to vote, but I believe we can win the Libertarian primaries! Remember, Karen is one of those LINO reformists, while I am a real Libertarian! I believe in abolition, not reform!
[Cut to a Trump rally, inside the White House.]
Mr. Trump: I just want to thank all the beautiful, beautiful boaters of Bikini Bottom for all your support. I just love seeing them, I just want to be in one of those boats, they’re so great, so nice. Anyways, to those living in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, please vote for me in the Republican primaries tonight, and not Mr. Pepperchicken.
[Cut to Mr. Pepperchicken sitting on the couch, looking at an old issue of Playboy]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Am I supposed to feel something whilst looking at this?
Mr. Putin: [whispering] What are you doing, Tim? Give a proper speech! We have to defeat Trump!
Mr. Pepperchicken: [whispering] Sorry, Vlad. I'm just not feeling it at the moment. Wait… how did you get here?
Mr. Putin: [whispering] Convenience, I'll be gone in the next shot. Anyway, a true Russian never passes up an opportunity to defend straight rights.
[Mr. Pepperchicken gets up and walks out of frame, leaving a television audience confused. He walks into the kitchen and paces up and down for a bit before getting a glass of water.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: It's fine, Tim. Maybe you just didn't find the cover model hot enough, that's all! You're straight. You're straight, I swear to God you're straight.
[He drinks the glass of water and comes back to a bewildered audience, he switches the camera off and stares at the ceiling with a slight frown.]
[Cut to a Biden rally, at a bingo club.]
Mr. Biden: I’m Joe Biden, I’m the Democratic candidate for Bikini Bottom Bingo Club President. Look me over, if you like what you see, help out, if not, vote for the other Biden, but give me a look though, okay?
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: Well, it looks like we’ve heard from all the major candidates.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Wait a minute, what about Mr. Fancyson?
Mr. Perkins: Huh...now that I think about it, we haven’t heard from him in a few days.
[Cut to the Fancyson residence. A knock is heard on the door, and Squilliam’s Assistant opens it. Squilliam Fancyson appears.]
Squilliam’s Assistant: Mr. Fancyson?! Where were you? Nobody has seen you in days! When I came here a few days ago, the limo was gone!
Mr. Fancyson: Had some trouble with the international authorities, but I got myself out of jail, because you know what they say, “money talks”! I also freed a friend of mine...
Former President Barack Obama: Greetings!
Assistant: Huh. Did you get Bush and Clinton out too?
Mr. Fancyson: Eh...Bush, Clinton, and I had some rather questionable exploits back in the day, and I don’t want them leaking it to the press, so it’s best if they remain locked up. I’ll have my team murder them tomorrow—I mean, they’ll commit suicide tomorrow—I mean...anyways, did Trump get removed from office?
Assistant: No.
Mr. Fancyson: Those filthy Russians, they sabotaged me!
Assistant: Just so you know, the Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina primaries are tonight. And you’re falling incredibly behind in the polls, because y’know, you haven’t done any rallies.
Mr. Fancyson: I don’t need to worry about Iowa, as all the voting machines there are built by The Fancyson Organization.
Assistant: Interesting…hmm, the results in Iowa should be reported just about now. [turns on the TV]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: Alright, the Iowa polls have closed, and we are ready to show the results!
Mr. Chillyrooster: [behind a screen showing the results] In a stunning upset, it appears that Squilliam Fancyson has won all of Iowa’s Democratic delegates! Timothy Pepperchicken has won the Republican primary, and Paul Renaud has won the Libertarian primary. The popular vote results for Iowa are not released to the public.
Mr. Perkins: Huh? Was his name even on the ballot, I thought he entered after the @everyone DEADLINE to declare your candidacy in this race?
[Cut to the Fancyson residence.]
Mr. Fancyson: This is great!
Assistant: So what about New Hampshire and South Carolina?
Mr. Fancyson: [shocked] Oh man, we didn’t make the machines over there! But maybe I still have a chance. Who’s leading in those states?
Assistant: I think the New Hampshire results should come out about now.
[Cut to BBTV studios.]
Mr. Perkins: Alright, the New Hampshire polls have closed, and we are ready to show the results!
Mr. Chillyrooster: [behind a screen showing the results] In the Democratic primary, Mr. Sanders has won New Hampshire, with 21% of the popular vote. Mr. Biden comes in at 19%, Mr. Pineapple at 15%, Mr. G at 15%, Mr. R’Onion at 15% and Mr. Fancyson at 15%. In the Republican primary, Timothy Pepperchicken has won with 51% of the vote, and President Trump comes in at 49%. In the Libertarian primary, Mr. Renaud has received an outstanding 100%, and Karen hasn’t received a single vote.
[Cut to the White House.] 
Mr. Trump: How is this possible?! I was leading all the polls by miles! The highest Pepperchicken ever got was 5%! 
Mr. Pence: Perhaps the polls were simply wrong, like in 2016. 
Mr. Trump: That can’t be! I had all the support of the boaters! WAIT A MINUTE! I think I know what’s going on… 
[Cut to the Timothy Pepperchicken headquarters.]
Mr. Putin: Great work, Tim! Now we just need to rig South Carolina! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Already on it, Vlad! [grins, typing some characters into a computer]
[Suddenly, the door is busted down, revealing Mr. Trump and two FBI agents.] 
Mr. Trump: There he is! The Russian Hacker! 
Mr. Putin: Uh-oh! [suddenly fades away]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Hey! Why didn’t you take me with you?!
[The two FBI agents rush over to Mr. Pepperchicken, handcuffing him.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: You can’t arrest me, I’m straight!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.] 
Mr. Perkins: [speaking into his mic] Huh, what is that? Is that so? [turns to the camera] Well, folks, it looks like we have some rather stunning news! Bikini Bottom TV is officially revoking its calls for Timothy Pepperchicken in the Republican presidential primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire, as we just have found out that the vote tallies were altered by Mr. Pepperchicken himself. He has subsequently been detained by the FBI for this crime. BBTV now reveals the true winner of both these primaries, President Trump.
Mr. Chillyrooster: What about Mr. Fancyson in Iowa? I find his victory there very suspicious.
Mr. Perkins: [whispering] He’s paying the authorities to not investigate it, and he threatened to not fund any TV station that talks about it, and we need him, so shush.
[Cut to the Chum Bucket. Karen Plankton, as well as Vermin Supreme, are making an announcement.]
Mrs. Karen Plankton: Unfortunately, as there is no place for moderates in the race, I officially drop out. Thank you to all my support.
Sheldon Plankton: Well, you never had a lot of support anyways.
Mrs. Plankton: You never had a lot of customers come to the Chum Bucket anyways.
Mr. Supreme: I too drop out. Thank you for supporting Vermin Supreme, a tyrant you can trust!
[Cut to the Fancyson residence.]
Mr. Fancyson: Oh man, Bernie beat us in New Hampshire. What’s the situation in South Carolina?
Assistant: Bernie’s rising in the polls, it's almost neck-and-neck, but you’re splitting the centrist vote with Biden. He’s above five points ahead of you.
Mr. Obama: Hmm...this doesn’t look good, but I have a plan to stop Bernie from snatching it once and for all.
Mr. Fancyson: What?
Mr. Obama: Drop out.
Mr. Fancyson: What? Why would I do that? I’m not a loser!
Mr. Obama: Bernie won New Hampshire, and it looks like you’re splitting the centrist vote in South Carolina, though Joe is slightly ahead of you. Pineapple and R’Onion are splitting the progressive vote, which hurts Bernie, but they have no intention to drop out.
Mr. Fancyson: And I too don’t have an intention to drop out.
Mr. Obama: Look, you dunderhead, Bernie is the ultimate frontrunner in race, and if he wins in South Carolina, the whole region would go to Bernie, and the whole country would go to Bernie. You’re not going to win anyways, but we absolutely cannot have someone like Bernie win, so you need to drop out and tell all your supporters to vote for Joe.
Mr. Fancyson: But—
Mr. Obama: Do you want to have your middle class taxes raised and be forced to pay your employees a fair wage?
Mr. Fancyson: [disgruntled] Fine. 
Mr. Obama: Great! I’ll have Joe appoint you to Secretary of the Treasury, where you’ll be in charge of all the money!
Mr. Fancyson: Assistant, inform the peasants that I dropped out and I encourage all them to vote for Biden, before the polls in South Carolina close, and instruct my Iowa delegates to go to Biden.
Mr. Obama: I’ll call Mr. G.
[Cut to the G residence. Mr. G’s phone rings]
Mr. G: [picks it up] Hello?
Mr. Obama: G, drop out of the race.
Mr. G: President Obama?! Is that you?! I thought you were in jail!
Mr. Obama: Mr. Fancyson got me out of jail, but I’ll be thrown back in if that communist Pineapple wins! Even though Mr. Pineapple hasn’t won any states so far, he still has a decent chance at winning, and folks like me, you, and Joe will all be behind bars if he becomes President, so drop out and endorse Joe, the leading centrist, before it’s too late! Fancyson has already done so. If you do this, I’ll have Joe appoint you to Secretary of State, where you can be the world’s most powerful war criminal!
Mr. G: Hmm...alright, just because I’m wanted by the ICC, and I don’t want a Pineapple administration turning me in.
Mr. Obama: Who wants to play cricket, when you can play war crimes?
[Mr. G hangs up the phone.]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Mr. Fancyson has dropped out of the race, and he is pledging all his Iowa delegates and asking his supporters in South Carolina to vote for Mr. Biden. Mr. G has also dropped out of the race and endorsed Mr. Biden. The polls will close in a few hours.
[Cut to the Bernie Sanders headquarters.]
Mr. Sanders: We may have lost Iowa, but we won New Hampshire, and we’re the frontrunner in the race so we've got a good chance to make it a close one in South Carolina. We’ll soon win the state, win the South, and win the nation.
Sanders Surrogate: Uh, Bernie, looks like we have a problem.
Mr. Sanders: What is it?
Sanders Surrogate: The centrist candidates, Mr. G and Mr. Fancyson, are joining forces with Biden, while the other progressive candidates, Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion, despise you and have no intention of joining forces with you. I suggest we quickly prepare a speech talking about how the others have accomplished nothing in politics, while you’ve spent thirty years fighting for the working class.
Mr. Sanders: Now why would I do that? I’m a nice guy, and attacking others who agree with me on 90% of the issues isn’t nice. I’m not Trump.
Sanders Surrogate: Well, all the mainstream media thinks you’re Trump 2.0 anyways, so it doesn’t really matter...
Mr. Sanders: It absolutely does matter, Trump is the most dangerous President in Bikini Bottom history. I will not copy him, and I will always play the better man.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: Well, folks, the South Carolina polls have closed, and I believe the results here will most likely predict how the rest of the primaries will play out.
Mr. Chillyrooster: [behind a screen showing the results] In a contrast from Iowa and New Hampshire, Mr. Biden has won South Carolina with 49% of the popular vote. Mr. Sanders comes in at 21%, Mr. Pineapple at 15%, and Mr. R’Onion at 15%. Mr. Biden got more than 30% of the vote here than he got in New Hampshire. And we can now declare victory for Mr. Biden in Iowa as well, since Mr. Fancyson instructed all the delegates he won there to go to Mr. Biden.
Mr. Perkins: Interesting, this was probably because Mr. G and Mr. Fancyson, who had a combined 30% of the vote in New Hampshire, dropped out and endorsed Mr. Biden. Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion, two candidates who agree with Mr. Sanders on 90% of the issues, have not done what Mr. G and Mr. Fancyson did, and that severely harmed their shared ideology, as the vote for it has been split.
Mr. Chillyrooster: If Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion did what Mr. G and Mr. Fancyson did, then Mr. Sanders would’ve won. Quite disgraceful. Perhaps Mr. G was right about this city being filled with political snakes.
Mr. Perkins: I don't know… Chill. Biden had a very strong standing with the minorities there, those two candidates probably fled out of the race to avoid humiliation. Breaking: Due to all the Republican and Libertarian primary opponents getting disqualified or dropping out, we can declare that President Trump and Mr. Renaud are the presumptive nominees for their respective parties.
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: I am very glad to announce that my opposition in the Republican Party has been forcibly removed, and I am once again your nominee. So it appears that Biden is the Democratic nominee...very sad! He is a radical leftist who wants to take away your boats, beautiful boats. We must stop him before it’s too late. Just think about what he’s doing right now, he’s most likely holding a secret meeting with communist militants!
[Cut to the Biden residence. The TV is on, showing the results of the South Carolina primary, though Mr. Biden is sleeping. Suddenly, his stomach grumbles.]
Mr. Biden: [wakes up] JACK! JACK! What’s going on?!
[Mr. Biden throws up, and Mr. Banana comes out.]
Mr. Banana: Why are you sleeping? You won South Carolina, you have to give a speech!
Mr. Biden: Can I give the speech later? I’m having a world war inside my stomach.
Mr. Banana: Sir, when you become President, every day will be a world war.
Mr. Biden: I can’t tell if that is a good or a bad thing.
Mr. Banana: It’s a great thing! This will be the war to end all wars! Finally we shall defeat the scourge on the ocean that is music!
[Mr. Fancyson’s limousine pulls up outside the Biden residence. Mr. Obama, from the window, waves towards Mr. Biden.]
Mr. Obama: [exits the limo] Hey, Joe, long time no see! 
Mr. Biden: Who are you?
Mr. Obama: It’s me, Barack! Fancyson got me out of jail! I’d like to take part in your victory speech, that’s why I came here.
Mr. Biden: Who’s Barack?
Mr. Obama: What? I’m Barack Obama, the president before Trump!
Mr. Biden: Jack, our current president, Abraham Roosevelt, is the first person to be in that role.
Mr. Obama: [confused] That’s a good one, Joe. You’re hilarious. Alright, let’s get to the speech.
Mr. Biden: Wait a minute, what are you doing here? I pushed through legislation prohibiting moves for mandated bussing in the 70s, and now there’s an African-American fish right outside my house! It's not like the federal budget was loose and all.
Mr. Obama: Okay, you’re going too far.
Mr. Banana: What do you think you’re doing? Have some respect for President Obama!
Mr. Biden: What? He’s the President? I can’t believe it. I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American fish who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy—I mean, that's a storybook, man.
Mr. Obama: [annoyed] I should’ve backed Fancyson instead.
Mr. Biden: Oh, that rich snob? You’d never.
Mr. Obama: Speak for yourself, Biden.
[Mr. Renaud comes out of the bushes.]
Mr. Renaud: I wanna stick my centimeter finger into the preschool doorknob.
Mr. Banana: Renaud? Get out of here, you’re trespassing!
Mr. Renaud: I’m sorry, Mr. Banana, I thought I saw some children here! Too bad I can’t eat your banana since you’re too old for my taste.
Mr. Banana: No time for unproductivity. Mr. Biden, let’s do this victory speech. Back to work.
[They all enter Mr. Fancyson’s limousine. Thirty minutes later, they arrive at a bingo club to celebrate Mr. Biden’s victory.]
Mr. Obama: I’m here to introduce to you, my best friend and Bikini Bottom’s best Vice President, Joe Biden!
Mr. Biden: Thank you, Joe. These past twelve years of Nixon have been a disaster, such as the Iraq War, though I will say I’m disappointed in Joe for championing it in the House. And now, Bernie Sanders wants to continue doing the bidding of the blood-stained military-industrial complex! Well you know what, I fight for the people! That’s why you should vote for me, Bill Clinton, and thank you Wyoming for choosing me to be your Republican nominee!
[Mr. Biden steps down, and Mr. Renaud takes the stage.]
Mr. Banana: Wait, Renaud was in our limo?
Mr. Renaud: I’m glad to see that all the LINOs in the primaries have dropped out, and that makes me the Libertarian Party’s presumptive nominee. Now, one may say, Biden and Trump are both sex criminals, so what makes you any different? Well, as Mr. Pepperchicken says, Biden, Trump, and him all want to kill minority fish, but unlike the former two, he’s open about his intentions. That applies to me on the issue of sex crimes. They try to cover it up, but I’m proud of it! And as President, I won’t “reform” the system, I’ll abolish it! Total amnesty!
Mr. Biden: [claps] Bravo! Bravo! Now this man right here is a true leader! He’ll make an excellent president! 
Mr. Banana: He’s running against you! 
Mr. Biden: I’m running?
Mr. Banana: [facepalms]
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom, where Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion are speaking to reporters.]
Mr. Pineapple: Folks, it’s a shame that we haven’t won any states. But I have no intention to drop out, the struggle must continue!
Mr. R’Onion: We are falling incredibly behind, but with the effort, I’m sure we can get back on track!
Reporter: Sir, many political pundits have stated that you two are splitting the progressive vote, and if you drop out now and endorse Bernie, the progressive frontrunner, he could manage to pull ahead.
Mr. Pineapple: Bernie? Progressive? Tell me how voting for the Crime Bill and the War in Afghanistan is “progressive.” This fraud, after mounting a grassroots campaign of working people, unconditionally endorsed notorious war criminal Hillary Clinton in 2016, and didn’t retract it after the DNC admitted the primary was rigged in Hillary’s favor. If Bernie were to win the nomination, he’ll sell out to the establishment because he’s too nice. I, on the other hand, will fight to the very end, and any filthy neocon that gets in my way will be executed!
Mr. R’Onion: Until Bernie disavows all those endorsements from the tree-killing loggers, I won’t endorse him. Bikini Bottom is in need of someone who doesn’t want to kill trees, and that someone is me, and only me!
Reporter: Even if you have your disagreements with him, wouldn’t you still prefer him to Biden? He’s the candidate much closer to you two politically. 
Mr. Pineapple: I don’t subscribe to lesser evil voting. The lesser evil is still evil! 
[Cut to Mr. Banana, watching from the back of the class.] 
Mr. Banana: Perfect! 
[The episode ends.]
==Trivia==
*This episode was originally titled "Early States". A title card was even made for it.
Early states.png
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