Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey, question. If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole? Think about it.
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
 	Bruce grins as Muppets surround him.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo hits the O, and it shatters.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello. And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star is one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth. He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes — in fact he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us. But right now, let's kick things off with a new musical group we call the Snerfs. The Snerfs? (shrugs)
 	
 	The Snerfs dance to "In a Little Spanish Town".
Waldorf	Well, now I've seen everything.
Statler	Good! Can we leave?
==Backstage==
 	The Snerfs pass by Kermit.
Kermit	OK. Nice number, nice number, Snerfs. Way to go.
 	Enter a duck.
Duck 	Oh, Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah?
 	
Duck 	I finally got the punchline down for the act tonight. Want to hear it?
Kermit	OK.
Duck 	Good. "Quack!"
Kermit	Uh Fine, fine. But uh, keep working on it, OK?
Duck 	Oh, sure, toad. Thanks a lot. You know, put me down like everybody else. (waddles away) Yeah, that's right. Put me down.
Kermit	Bitter duck.
 	Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie	Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am really gonna get 'em tonight.
Kermit	Get who?
Fozzie	Hm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf. You know, those two old guys who sit in the box and heckle me every night.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Fozzie	Well, tonight I am ready for 'em. Ha ha. Yeah. I can handle any insult. Any of 'em. Hey, hey. Let's try it, OK? Let's see, uh, you be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work. OK, you ready, huh? Huh?
Kermit	Uh, no.
Fozzie	Good. OK. Here we go. I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water.
Kermit	Boo! Boo! That's terrible. Terrible. Get off the stage! You are the worst!
 	
Fozzie	(removes his hat and grovels) Oh, please don't heckle me.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit?
Fozzie	Could still use a little sharpening, huh?
 	Kermit shrugs and goes onstage.
=="All I Need Is the Girl"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	When it comes to song-and-dance men, it's pretty hard to top our special guest. So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
 	The curtain opens on Bruce against a dark backdrop with a neon gazebo. Music plays as he struts.
Bruce 	
Got my tweed pressed.
Got my best vest.
All I need now is the girl.
 	A Gawky bird appears behind him.
Bruce 	
Got my striped tie.
Got my hopes high.
Got the time and the place and I got rhythm.
All I need's the girl to go with 'em.
If she'll
Just appear, we'll
Take this big bird — ?
 	The music stops as he notices the bird.
 	
Bruce 	I must stop taking those pills. (rubs his forehead) It'll go away in a minute. (glances at the bird) Whatever it is, it's a real one. (giggles) I hope it's not a female. (laughs, faces the bird and stammers) Yes, I—I didn't see you there. I'm sorry, heheh, I'm doing my song-and-dance number. Would you mind waiting over there, please? Over there. In the corner. Over here. Let me show you.
 	He drags the bird by the beak. The bird quivers.
Bruce 	Let me show you. That's fine. That's it. OK. Trust me, trust me. I'll be gentle with you. No, bring the feet. Bring the feet. I think the tail will follow. Bring the feet. That's it. Good. Left, right. Right, left. That's it. Good. That's fine. Now, could we just sort of twist you round now? As you go, that's it. Now, back off, will you? Back off. Left hand down a bit. Left hand. As you were. Off you go. Off you go, then. There you go. That's fine. You see, I'm just going to do my song-and-dance number. It's the only thing I've got in the whole show. (glances at the audience) Worthwhile. (to the bird) Thank you.
 	
 	The music resumes and he tap-dances. The bird soon tries to dance behind him.
Bruce 	Take it!
 	The bird twists its head around.
Bruce 	Are you all right?
 	The bird un-twists its head.
Bruce 	That was marvelous. Fantastic. I've never seen anything — (the bird whispers in his ear) — It is a female.
Bruce 	My striped tie,
And my best best tweed… Come on. Leave me alone. Get back.
 	The bird follows him as he tries to get away.
Bruce 	Goodness' sake. Great big gawky fool. Get back. Why don't you get — Get back. Get back there. Back! Get away.
 	He tries to fend off the bird with a chair. A second bird appears behind him.
Bruce 	Oh, no. Her sister. Mr. Hitchcock! Mr. Hitchcock! Get away, you great big gawky-looking thing. Get off!
Waldorf	Bravo.
Statler	Brilliant.
Waldorf	Oh, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth.
Statler	Course not. They'd burn him. Heh.
Waldorf	Statler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie runs up to Kermit.
Fozzie	Hey. Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have really mastered the art of handling hecklers.
Kermit	You think so, huh?
Fozzie	Yeah, I know so. I know so.
Kermit	OK, I tell you what, uh, you tell a joke and I will heckle you.
Fozzie	Great.
Kermit	But, Fozzie. I expect a great comeback.
Fozzie	Right. Ahem. Um … my cousin's so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a mafia gangster.
Kermit	I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
 	Fozzie slaps him with a rubber chicken.
 	
Fozzie	What do you think? Uh, too subtle?
Kermit	Will you get outta here?
 	Fozzie scoots away.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Mildred 	George?
George the Janitor	Yeah?
Mildred 	Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
George the Janitor	Maybe. What are you fixing?
Mildred 	Well, do you like duckling?
George the Janitor	I don't know. I never duckled.
 	Janice dances with Zoot.
 	
Janice 	Do you know what happened in 1776?
Zoot 	No, baby, but there's a great party in 1342.
 	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	I'm really into American history.
Pig 	Oh?
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Mm-hm. You know - Washington. Jefferson. Revere.
Pig 	Oh, do you like Franklin?
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.
 	A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster 	Do you mind if I light up?
Woman 	Why, no.
 	
==UK Spot==
	
	The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "I'm My Own Grandpaw."
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Well, Bruce, welcome to our show.
Bruce 	Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit. Although, of course, it is a little strange.
Kermit 	Strange?
Bruce 	Yeah, well, it isn't like any other show on television. I mean uh, I'll buy the fact that you're a frog who can talk.
Kermit 	Well, there's nothing strange about that.
Bruce 	And I'll even buy the chicken, uh, who shares my dressing room.
Kermit 	But she's not for sale.
Bruce 	I beg your pardon?
Kermit 	The chicken's not for sale.
Bruce 	Oh.
Kermit 	I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her, but uh, her husband plays in the band.
Bruce 	No, you misunderstand me. You see, uh, I don't actually want to buy a chicken.
Kermit 	Oh, I see.
Bruce 	Mind you, I wouldn't mind uh, leasing a duck.
Kermit 	Well, uh — I can let you have a duck right here. I can uh, give you a good rental deal on this duck.
Duck 	Quack.
Bruce 	It's not a bad-looking duck.
Kermit 	It's a great little duck. I mean, it was last owned by a little old lady who only used it as a decoy during the hunting season.
Bruce 	Really? Hahaha! Well, how much to rent this duck for a month?
Kermit 	Uh, for one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
Bruce 	A pig and two rabbits?
Kermit 	Yes.
Bruce 	Well, hold on a minute, will you? Uh, yeah, one pig - there we are — (produces a pig) - and uh, I'm fresh out of rabbits.
Kermit 	Oh.
Bruce 	Uh, have you got change of a rat? (produces a rat)
 	
Kermit 	Oh, sure, I can let you have a woodpecker. (gives him one)
Bruce 	Oh, good. That's fine. OK. One, well, that's a fair exchange.
Kermit 	Is that a deal?
Bruce 	(to the woodpecker) Mind the leg.
Kermit 	Wonderful, uh, wonderful doing business with you.
Bruce 	Lovely doing business with you as well.
Kermit 	OK, let's go, guys. Come on, come on. (leads the animals away)
Bruce 	Fine. Off you go. Fine. Fine. (to the audience) You see, it is strange here. Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck. I wish I had a good-looking bird.
Miss Piggy	Two pigs for one lousy duck? This is an outrage to all porkdom!
Bruce 	Well, I was — Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking. I wasn't having a go at you.
Miss Piggy	Yeah? Well, have a go at this. (karate-chops him) Hi-YAH!
Bruce 	That was vicious. Come here, you. (grabs her by the snout and knocks her off) Monkey with me?
Miss Piggy	(karate-chops him again) Hi-YAH!
 	They continue to fight as Statler and Waldorf watch.
Waldorf 	That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance.
Statler 	Oh, I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try some umbrage.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie reads from a piece of paper, then practices.
Fozzie	"Same to you …" Same to you and more of it.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Huh?
Kermit	I know you're worried about your act tonight.
Fozzie	Oh, boy. Whew! Am I. I really want to get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit. (sigh)
Kermit	Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.
 	
Fozzie	But — but they always heckle me. Every show they heckle me. Why not tonight?
Kermit	Well, the show's running long and your act's been cut.
 	Exit Kermit, enter Hilda.
Fozzie	Hilda, Hilda.
Hilda 	Yes, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Don't move. Just stay right there.
Hilda 	But why?
Fozzie	(sadly) So you can break my fall when I faint.
 	He falls backwards without being caught. Enter the duck.
Duck 	Cute. Cute faint.
 	Exit the duck. Hilda scowls.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you those two solid citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda. Decent, decent people.
 	The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in an outdoor patio setting. Music swells up.
Wayne 	
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree…
 	
 	Timber! A tree falls on Wayne. Wanda shrieks.
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Whew! Oh, Kermit. You've got to let me do my big act in the show. Please.
Kermit	Yeah, but listen, Fozzie. This is just one week.
Fozzie	Oh, b-b-but Kermit, in this type of show people expect a stand-up comic.
Kermit	Yes, and we got one.
Fozzie	Oh! Oh! Th-then I am going on after all. Oh! (cleans his face)
 	
Kermit	No. Bruce Forsyth is.
 	Exit Kermit. Audience: "Awww."
Fozzie	Hildaaaaaaa!
 	He falls backward before she can catch him. Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Cute. Cute fall.
 	Exit Gonzo. Hilda looks down.
==Fozzie and Bruce's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest …
Statler 	You're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest.
 	He and Waldorf chuckle. Kermit scowls.
Kermit 	Yeah. OK, uh, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our special guest star Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
 	The curtain opens to Fonzie's fanfare. Bruce takes the stage.
Bruce 	Thank you so much. Thank you. And may I say, you look a wonderful audience.
Waldorf 	Don't be too sure. We haven't heard your jokes yet.
 	They chuckle.
Bruce 	Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes.
Statler 	Same old stuff. We want new blood!
Bruce 	Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some. Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery?
Waldorf 	Good. Good stuff.
Statler 	Well, I've heard better.
Bruce 	I'm sure you have, sir. In fact, at your age you're lucky you can hear at all. (laughs) Only kidding. Only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor. In fact, I know you have. I saw your wife outside.
Waldorf 	(laughs)
Statler 	Oh. Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.
Bruce 	All right. But you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the moment is we do have this cultural exchange going on. I mean, we send you lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, um, The Forsyth Saga - and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly. Ha. I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type. And uh, then of course you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky & Hutch, Police Woman. They're not Shakespeare perhaps, but just as violent. Haha. By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country. He's such a sportsman. Goes to Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a good tenpin bowler — got the head for it. But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley 'cause people keep sticking their fingers up his nose. (laughs) Got to be a split. Anyway, don't let's talk about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies and gentlemen —
Fozzie 	Excuse me, uh, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce 	Oh, please, please call me Bruce.
Fozzie 	Oh!
Bruce 	Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear. Hey hey!
Waldorf 	Yeah, thank heavens there's only one.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Aw. See — see those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up.
Bruce 	Don't worry. Don't worry.
Fozzie 	They do. They do.
Bruce 	Do you see the box they're in?
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Bruce 	I may decide to bury them together.
Waldorf 	(laughs)
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh, that's — boy, see how he handles them? See? I was, I was watching in the wings over there.
Statler 	Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly outta here? (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Ho, ho!
Bruce 	Look, you can handle those two.
Fozzie 	Well …
Bruce 	You can do it. All you need, all you need is a bit of pacing, a bit of timing.
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Bruce 	The right retort. The right line.
Fozzie 	Oh?
Statler 	Oh, he couldn't throw a line to a drowning man.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Uh … Uh …
Bruce 	Go on.
Fozzie 	OK, uh … do you mind? We work alone. That is, uh, unless we work together. How's that?
Bruce 	A little soft, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Awww.
Bruce 	(points to his own neck) Go for the jugular vein, there. Go right in.
Fozzie 	Right there? OK.
Bruce 	Go on, yeah.
 	
Fozzie 	Uh, Uh — Oh! Oh! Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing? It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug? (rimshot)
Bruce 	That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill.
Fozzie 	Hey, that's some nose you got there, buster. Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater? (rimshot)
Bruce 	I like it.
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bruce 	Quit while you're ahead. Quit while you're ahead.
Fozzie 	You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages. (rimshot)
Bruce 	(concerned) You don't want to lose your audience.
Fozzie 	You — you call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting. (rimshot) Aah!
Bruce 	You've got 'em! Believe me, you've got 'em!
Fozzie 	Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em?
 	Statler and Waldorf wave a white flag.
Statler 	No, no! Enough, enough!
Waldorf 	We surrender! We surrender!
Statler 	No more, no more!
Bruce 	You did it, Fozzie!
Fozzie 	(overjoyed) Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it. Oh, I did it! I did! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, just, just learning from a pro like you. Working side by side with one of the greats.
 	Music swells up.
Bruce 	You even learned how to cue the big musical finish to the comedy spot. You did.
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Bruce 	Yeah.
Fozzie 	All right.
Bruce 	(sings) Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.
Fozzie 	(sings) Maybe we're ragged and … funny!
Fozzie and Bruce	But we travel along, singing a song …
Fozzie 	Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce 	It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
Fozzie 	Hey!
 	
Fozzie and Bruce	
We travel along, singing a song,
Side … by … side!
 	Fozzie wiggles his ears as Bruce waves his hands.
Bruce 	I like the ears. Keep the ears going. They love it. Listen to that.
 	The curtain closes. Fozzie re-emerges, while Bruce tries to restrain him.
Fozzie 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
 	Piggy drinks from a wine glass, notices she's on camera, and quickly rushes to the operating table, which has the duck as the patient. Rowlf files his nails with a surgery tool.
Janice 	Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.
Rowlf 	Oh. (tosses away the tool) Well, what have we here? Another sick chicken?
Duck 	I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.
Janice 	Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken?
Duck 	Duck!
 	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Miss Piggy	What was that?
Rowlf 	I don't know.
Janice 	Somebody yelled "Duck."
Rowlf 	Well, let's get back to the chicken.
Duck 	Duck!
 	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Rowlf 	I don't understand what's going on around here.
 	Piggy notices the dangling lamp above Rowlf's head.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Duck!
 	She and Janice duck under the table.
Rowlf 	Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for another one of — OW!
 	BONG! The lamp lands on Rowlf's head. Janice and Piggy get up and take the lamp off his head.
 	
Announcer 	So Dr. Bob has received a serious blow. Tune in next week, when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient …
Rowlf 	Well, what kind of doctor do you think I am?
Duck 	Quack.
Rowlf 	I should know better than to ask a chicken.
Duck 	Duck!
 	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. The duck laughs.
=="Let There Be Love"==
 	Bruce plays the piano. Piggy sits by the side of the piano.
Bruce 	Let there be you.
Miss Piggy 	Let there be me.
Bruce 	
Let there be oysters … under the sea. 
Let there be wind …
 	
Miss Piggy 	…and occasional rain.
Bruce 	Chili con carne …
Miss Piggy 	
Sparkling champagne.
Let there be birds …
Bruce 	Small ones, huh?
Miss Piggy 	Yes. That sing in the trees.
Bruce 	I don't want that big one back.
Miss Piggy 	
Someone to bless me … 
Whenever I sneeze — Ahchoo!
Bruce 	
Bless you, Piggy.
Let there be cuckoos,
A lark and a dove …
But most of all, please…
Let there be love.
Miss Piggy 	Come in, boys.
 	Enter a chorus of pig backup singers.
Bruce 	
Let there be cuckoos,
A lark and a dove …
But most of all, please…
 	
Bruce & Piggy	Let there be love.
Pig chorus 	Love, love.
Bruce & Piggy	Let there be love.
Pig chorus 	Love, love.
Bruce 	Let there be … love.
Miss Piggy 	(scatting) Yes, Brucie! Let there be love! Love between Bruce and the pig! Love, love, love oh, yes, oh, love, love …
Bruce 	Yeah. (gives an uneasy glance)
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about all the time we have. We'd like to have a special thanks to our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth! Yaaay!
Bruce 	Thank you, thank you. May I say it's been a pleasure to be on this television show. And, Kermit, you're a wonderful emcee.
Fozzie 	Yeah, but he's an emcee squared. (rimshot) Aaaah! He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water. (rimshot) Aaaah! (wiggles his ears)
 	
Bruce 	Please, Fozzie, a little humility.
Kermit 	Yeah, if you want to be working next week.
Fozzie 	Oh, in that case — (grovels) — Oh, please forgive me, Frog, please!
Kermit 	Bruce, you taught him well. Hey, we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Bruce 	(waves his arms like Kermit) The Muppet Show! Hey!
 	The cast gathers around him as the credits roll.
Statler	This show brought a tear to my eye.
Waldorf	Really?
Statler	Yeah. I'm sitting on a tack.
 	Waldorf chuckles.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts