The Ebony Express 696969

"Bravery was not in short supply that day." ~Gay Ron, 1997
The Ebony Wars were a series of apocalyptic conflicts that formed what many scholars would refer to as the Kali Yuga. Below is a culmination of eyewitness accounts and testimonies from the men who served on that fateful day.
==Noble Actual==
It started out as just a routine operation. A training exercise among Ram Ranch's most elite operatives that was led by Cobra. Among his crew were Gay Robot and his Retard Brother. Cobra took point and was backed up by a number of US Marines. As he chewed on a green crayon, Cobra surveyed the open fields for one crucial resource—wild meth flowers. The stockpiles were low at the time and a replenishment of supplies was firmly in order.
At about the 500,000,000-yard line, Cobra got a call over his radio which was covered in sticky black stuff. It was Big Mantis. He informed Cobra of something urgent that he needed to see. Something long and black that had been found in the depths of the Ebony mines. Additionally, he was informed that Ram Ranch was receiving a surprise visitor. Cobra acknowledged the message and pulled his men back. As they prepared to leave the rice fields, Gay Robot noticed movement on the hills. Suddenly, they started taking fire from a small group of unidentified individuals. Dark, hooded men the likes of which the marines had never seen before.
After firing a few rounds from their Tec-9s and Hi-Point pistols, the dark men fled into the bushes. Given that they were in Texas, Cobra, and the others shrugged it off as nothing and moved on with their day.
==Winter Contingency==
The group descended into the lowest pits of the Ebony mines. They went deep. Deep and dark. All the way down to the top-secret "Excavation Sight XXX."
Excavation Sight XXX was held extremely deep underground.  It was about a hundred miles below Excavation Sight X and even Excavation Sight XX!  Bulky guards clad in black leather allowed them into the test chamber.  An immense pit consumed by the blackest gloom lay before them.  Inside the void was a shade of black, blacker than black.  Blacker than the blackest night.  Blacker than Brandon’s firstborn son.
It was really fucking black, okay!?
A giant train was lying dormant at the center of the pit.  A train made entirely out of Enoby!
"That's pretty gay," said Cobra.
Just then he felt a sweaty palm latch onto his left butt cheek. He turned to see The Artist standing there. A noble warrior who had not shown himself publicly since the battle with Moai Ur. "You can say that again," said The Artist, all cool and hot like. "I heard you boys were dealing with some hot black stuff so I came to lend a hand."
The Artist looked down into the deep, dark, musky pit. "And speaking of masturbation," he said. "What's this thing?"
After informing The Artist of the situation, Cobra invited him along as he and several other US Marines descended into the pit to investigate. They breached the train, although, they were far less violent than their usual protocol for invading Vice's house on the weekends. The book introduced himself, "I am Grimoire Ice! My very name brings hussies to their knees!" When Cobra asked how he got such a name, Weiss told him it was because he "drips like ice." The book went on to recite an ancient prophecy. "To defeat the Shadowlord, ye must forge the legendary Keyblade. Only the might of the Chosen One wielding the Keyblade will stand against the might of the BBC empire and bring the Kali Yuga to an end."
"Kali Yuga," asked The Artist. "Sorry, book. I don't speak Seven-Eleven."Before Grimoire Ice could elaborate further, an explosion from the surface rocked the train. The US Marines scrambled out and onto the surface. Little did they know, the Kali Yuga had already begun.
The entire ranch was surrounded. For the first time since its founding, Ram Ranch was under siege. Under lockdown! The masked villains from earlier had returned with an army. A vast formation of shady men wearing all-black hoods. At the head of the formation was a tall, muscular, evil-ass motherfucker. He wore a gold hood. Gay Robot could immediately tell he was the leader because he was taller than everyone else. The gold-clad stranger stepped forward and revealed himself as the Shadowlord. He raised his hand and cried out his declaration of war. "I straight up claim ownership of Earf! Me and my Covenant are gonna breed the fuck outta y'all. Yo pasty Hyperborean bussies are my property! Submit to the New World Order! Submit to the power of my BBC! Yo ass got like five seconds to bow down and suck this hulking, throbbing dick before I come over there and make you do it."
Gay Robot insisted they would never give up, and that the power of friendship would prevail in the end. The Shadowlord began powering up. He demonstrated his power. He lifted off the ground, screaming like Goku, and he shot a ball of lightning from his hand like that one hot bitch from Avatar: The Last Air Blender.
The Shadowlord shouted to the heavens. "Get that ass BANNED."
The lightning arced for Gay Robot. Just when he thought it was all over, Cobra stepped in his way and absorbed the shock. He collapsed into Gaybo's arms and mustered one last smile at his distraught commander. "Take your retarded brother and get out of here.  Stop Globalism.  This is what we’ve been waiting for, bro.  It’s just like… Deus…… Ex…….”
It really was like Deus Ex. Gaybo popped an unwanted boner just thinking about it.
An explosion erupted from the ground between the marines and the overwhelming might of the Covenant. The black train erupted from the ground and flew into the sky. It dipped and circled around, shielding Gaybo and the surviving patriarchs of Ram Ranch from another blast of lightning. The thick, black doors slid open and Grimoire Ice floated out. "Get in," he ordered. "We must forge the Keyblade before it's too late!"
Gaybo was too distraught from the loss of Cobra to understand. It fell upon The Artist and Big Mantis to take control of the situation. They barked out orders to the marines and even the cowboys. Everyone scrambled to take up arms and buy time. Big Mantis sprinted inside to find Retard Brother. Meanwhile, The Artist dragged both himself and Gaybo inside the train. It took longer than expected for Big Mantis to return. The train was taking heavy fire from all that big black lightning. The train was almost ready to take off when Big Mantis returned. The train doors were still open but the cars were lifting higher and higher into the air. Big Mantis threw Retard Brother inside and gave the departing train one last stoic, sexy salute.
They flew higher and higher to the stratosphere. Gaybo was forced to watch from the windows as Ram Ranch grew smaller and smaller. He watched as his Yaoi empire which took decades to build was being glassed in a matter of minutes.
==Oni Sword Base==
The train received a transmission shortly after rising past the stratosphere.
"This is Gay Ron. There's a lot of scrupulous characters gathering outside our HQ at the base of Mt. Flo-Rida. Now, how did this happen? Well... Lemme tell you an anecdote."
The transmission went on for about 40 total minutes of anecdotes and dawn-of-time explanations. Before it came close to finishing, The Artist ordered Ice to turn the train around and send it straight to Florida. Ice argued, insisting they must head onward to deep space to find the Keyblade fragments, but The Artist and even Gaybo insisted. They needed allies and the Gay Conquistadors led by Gay Ron were some of the best operatives the Ram Ranch network had to offer. Reluctantly, Grimoire Ice turned the car around and they circled the globe to find the mountainous lands of Florida. The air was as toxic as ever. They had to sneak past an armada of Covenant capital ships just to reach the surface.Upon their descent, they discovered that much of Miami had been glassed. Not that anyone was complaining much about that. The rural mountains were in the process of meeting the same infernal fate. They located Gay Ron's base. A massive compound established with the sole intention of spying on and later imprisoning Vice. Many of the Conquistadors had already fallen to the Covenant onslaught. Gay Ron fought alone atop the stairs leading to the main entrance. A metal cage was hidden behind him. The artifact was recognized immediately by Gaybo. He was protecting the most sacred artifact owned by the Conquistadors. The R. Kelly Cage. A lone, scared little man with blue hair was trapped inside. Just as Gaybo had ordered several days ago.
The train floated down in front of Gay Ron who jumped in with the R. Kelly Cage in tow. He breathed a sigh of relief as the train bolted for outer space at full speed. Ron tossed the cage down the aisle just so the strong scent of piss and Vice could not fester near the front of the train where everyone else was sitting.
"Status report," demanded The Artist.
Gay Ron shrugged. "Well, to get the full, 48-minute version of this story, it's going to require a lot of caveats and yabbits. A lot of dawn-of-time explanations. That means your going to have to deal with my speech impediments such as my Shatner-esque pauses and my tendency to transpose syllables. Now... In the early 80s..."
"No time," interrupted Grimoire Ice. "We have to find the first Keyblade fragment. Fortunately, in my infinite wisdom, I know exactly where to find it."
"Where are we going," asked Gaybo.
Ice visibly shuttered. "To a place no sane man would ever dare venture. A place where heterosexuality goes to die amid all the pheromones."
Vice, who was listening on the other side of the train car suddenly gasped. "Wait a minute. You don't mean..."
"That's right," exclaimed Ice. "We're going to the planet, Greece!"
== Nightfall ==
The landing was smooth. At the first whiff of the fabled Greek bussy, Vice demanded he be let out of the piss cage. He insisted that he was wrongfully incarcerated and never actually informed of his charges. Gay Robot got sick of hearing his gay shit so he let him out. Vice was freed but at the cost of his spine. He had scoliosis after being hunched over and pissed on for days on end. The hunchback rose and followed his so-called companions out into this strange new world.
"Alright, time to get me some of that Ventussy," shouted Vice. "I'm never going back to Rome after this!"
At the border, they were greeted by a small fellow named Cocobussi. He had bulging red eyes, whiskers, buck teeth, and a long hairless tail. He was dressed in nothing but a toga and random ass Terraria leaves. "Welcome to Athens," he said as if he were dead inside. "If you wanna step on someone, you've come to the right place. If you wanna get stepped on then Sparta is several miles that way. Can I interest you in some humus or a cricket salad?"
Grimoire Ice took the lead, explaining to the little Greek hobbit that they were in search of the sacred Keyblade. Cocobussi pointed to a street sign made entirely out of petrified Persian tears. "Thebes is that way. Speak to the great and glorious king. Brandipus Rex. He legit knows everything. No cap."
"How far is Thebes," asked Vice. "I'm horny as fuck and I need to cum right now. All this talk of Ebony and Venti got me all uppity."
"You'll have to cross the ruins of Troy just past the River Styx. Be wary of the cyclops harassing people for spare change near the bridge."
"I hate that band," said Vice.
Grimoire Ice rustled his pages in disgust. "To hell with it. We'll just fly there."
Given that the landscape of Greece was needlessly long and treacherous, the team flew via train to the sacred city of Thebes. They arrived at an oddly phallic-shaped palace. The walls were bright pink. The universal color of incest. This was a bad sign. It gave Gay Robot vivid flashbacks to his early years living at the Center of the Universe with Mell and Retard. In fact, the whole place smelled like incest. "Damn," complained Vice. "This place is vanilla as fuck." The others agreed and moved on to the palace entrance where they met none other than Zagreus from the hit indie game Hades. Zagreus told them to go in but to avoid death if at all possible, for if they die they will have to restart all over again. No one was prepared to hear that. Even the worldly Grimoire Ice was caught completely off guard by the fact that Greece was apparently a Rogue-like.
The team entered the palace and met with the fabled king Brandipus Rex. He was really goddamn fat and stinky. The entire chamber festered with the fumes of dried-up milfs and aging semen. Grimoire Ice floated forward and informed him of the Shadowlord and the glassing of Earf. He insisted that Greece would be next in line for conquest. Before Ice even had a chance to ask for the Keyblade fragment, Brandipus Rex randomly started asking their opinions on Hunter ecks Hunter. Literally, nobody gives a shit. Brandon, listen to me. We don't care. We tell you that, but you keep fucking talking like you're the most interesting motherfucker in the room. You won't shut the goddamn fuck up about Sonic. Hours go by. I feel myself age. Time retreats from my grasp that I'll never get back. Our relevant conversations are cut short. Our engagement with games like Final Fantasy XIV are totally derailed and become unplayable. All because you WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP! Nobody fucking cares, bro. Whatever it is, we don't goddamn care. FUCK!
Gaybo and his crew were introduced to the King's wife who he kept referring to as mommy for some perverse reason. He also introduced the foreigners to his son, Prince Tyrone. The Prince was odd in appearance but nobody could quite understand why. They knew something was off about the heir but no one could quite fathom what exactly was off. Suddenly, Brandon started talking about Sanic. At around the fifteen-minute mark, Gay Robot suddenly blurted out. "Wait a minute! I have guns. I totally forgot!"
Gaybo immediately pulled out his Benelli M4 and fired a barrage of beanbags at the talkative king. He kept firing until Brandipus Rex handed over the Keyblade fragment. Then, Gaybo pelted Brandipus a few more times for good measure and the squad left Greece for good.
== Tip of the Spear ==
Grimoire Ice insisted that the next Keyblade fragment was hidden somewhere in a Persona 3 fan's closet. They raided the Intergalactic Trailer Park in search of the fabled fragment. No fragment was found. Only crumpled-up tissues and a pair of soiled Persona 2 pants. The Artist and Gay Ron managed to secure new intel from the dumpster outside, however. A random DM that had yet to be deleted suggested that the fragment was in the possession of an African warlord who was currently reigning over an entire tribe of Persona fans. This boded ill for Vice as he knew Persona fans were some of the most racist people in the galaxy. He covered himself in chalk to blend in with the natives and the train set off enroot for the African Star System.
They landed at 3 AM. You should never log into P3Cord at 3 AM. Gaybo and his gang found this out the hard way. The air reeked of nerd musk and soiled pants. Weeb biomass crusted over every surface. No patch of grass was left untainted by their contagious filth. Gay Ron was the first and initially the only one to leave the train. He was tasked with infiltrating the tribal perimeter and locating the staff. The goal was simple, be in and out without anyone noticing.
"If any of those nerds get their Nickelodeon slime on you," explained Gaybo. "Just end it. What awaits you is a fate worse than death."
To Ron's horror, he discovered the tribe was already under attack by the Covenant. Weebs were getting banned left and right. The tribal leader was one of the last men standing. The warlord known across the cosmos as the infamous Sambubu! He wielded the Spear of Destiny. A weapon from Persona 2 lore that used a piece of the Keyblade to gain its spiritual power. He fired Getsuga after Getsuga at the advancing black hoods. Gay Ron watched this all unfold from the shadows. He took out his cattle prod, 'cause sometimes you gotta make a silent takedown.
While Sambubu was occupied with fending off the Covenant hordes, Gay Ron stealth crawled up from behind and tased him right in his big ole juice booty. He grabbed the spear and bolted back for the train. Among the trailing Covenant forces was a mysterious man in a red hood. Gay Ron only caught a glimpse of him before he boarded the Ebony train and made his escape.
"Glad I didn't need this chalk," said Vice as he wiped the white stuff off his cheeks.
"Shut the fuck up," shouted Gaybo. "Where to now, Ice?"
Grimoire Ice swallowed hard. Really hard.
"There's but one fragment left to obtain," said Weiss. "I'll set a course for the last location on our list. I could tell you where we're going but... I fear you will not like it."
== Long Night of Solace ==
The NieRCord was not just the graveyard of a tribe. It was the tomb of a franchise. Gaybo gulped as they descended into the ashen remains of a planet that once was. The group stepped out onto a field of bones and dust. Retard Brother waddled out on his own. Gabyo considered tying him to one of the chairs inside the train but ultimately didn't bother wasting the effort.
Gay Ron volunteered to stay behind and watch over the train. Gaybo led the rest straight into the boneyard. Amid the remains, they found old RWBY emotes that had literally nothing the fuck to do with NieR. They found the profile pics of old users that Gaybo recognized. Even Retard Brother started showing some signs of recollection as he would occasionally stop and point to a particularly recognizable corpse. They entered #General for the first time in twelve giga eons.
"So, this is where you and that one guy met, right," asked Vice.
"Who," Gaybo questioned back.
"That guy... You know. What's his face."
"No idea. Now, keep moving or I'll hit you with CS gas."
Vice gave up. If this mystery individual was at all important, he knew he would have at least remembered a name. They went into the memes channel. A long dead domain. It appeared the last post was made by a RWBY fan.
"Figures," huffed Gaybo.
"What happened here," asked The Artist.
Gaybo explained the history. How a war was sparked when he uncovered a conspiracy. That all the mods were merely RWBY fans dressed up in skinsuits to resemble NieR fans. He ripped off the mask of one of the mods to reveal the reptilian form beneath. That led to a mass exodus of Gaybo and his closest allies. Those who stayed behind waged a war against their oppressors. The result of that conflict was never known until now. It seemed both sides wiped themselves out. The server was as dead as the games it was based on.
A dead franchise that was never going to be revived nor anything like it would exist ever again. Video games are a worthless waste of time and the world would be better off if they were never invented.
So anyway, Gaybo and the others find the fragment or whatever and leave. The fuck difference does it make?
== Exodus ==
The team sprinted for the train. Bones crunched under their boots. They were so focused on returning to the train that they failed to notice the Covenant dropship hovering above them. The Artist was doing the Naruto run to gain more speed. It was a practice the others were not entirely familiar with. As a result, The Artist gained a firm lead. Suddenly, a bolt of plasma descended from on high and sliced through his jugular.
Gaybo returned fire with his Desert Eagle chambered in .50 AE. The dropship flew off to evade the counterattack. As it swerved upward, Gaybo caught sight of the sniper. That same man they saw in Africa. The man in the red hood. His hood briefly fluttered, revealing his face. It was Godd Howard. Gaybo let out a vindictive DBZ-esque scream while the ship flew off into deep space.
The group had to ultimately leave The Artist where he lay. There was no time to bury him and everyone was too fucking lazy to carry his oily ass back to the train. When they returned, Gay Ron smiled at the sight of the last fragment in Vice's hands. They did indeed gain a fragment of the Keyblade, but in turn, they lost a homie.
== New Alexandria ==
The planet, Nebucock Prime, was once a bustling home to trillions of merchants. Now, it's a ghost town. It had been glassed by the Covenant mere weeks before the boys arrived. The train entered what was left of the atmosphere. The big black train landed on a mass of land that was largely reduced to smoldering magma and scorched stone. The crew had to leave the train with specialized moon shoes that could handle such temperatures.
"What are we doing here for," asked Vice.
"Shut up, bitch," yelled Gaybo. "We got all the key fragments. Now, we need someone who can forge the Keyblade."
"Who," Vice asked again.
Gaybo had to fight back the urge to break Vice's jaw. "There's one man here who can do it. If he's still alive, that is."
The group carried on until they reached the last remnants of the cosmic metropolis. Atop a chard hill, they saw him. A wise motherfucker meditating by the last standing tree on Nebucock Prime. Gaybo could recognize him anywhere. He ran up the hill and shouted. The elf turned to meet his guests. It was Urianger from Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. A revolutionary MMORPG developed and published by Square Enix. The makers of the critically acclaimed Final Fantasy VII series. The game comes with a subscription-based model but all content up to level 70 is completely free in the game's generous trial. Experience the rich lore of A Realm Reborn and the tear-jerking, award-winning story of the first expansion Heavensward. Don't forget to unlock the Dark Knight class which also comes free with the Heavensward expansion.
Gaybo informed Urianger of the prophecy to dethrone the Shadowlord and defeat the Covenant. To bring peace and balance to a universe slowly being destroyed by weaponized BBC. Eager to lend a hand, Urianger agreed to help. He forged the legendary Keyblade. A sword that could bend reality to its will and... I don't know, unlock doors and shit. As the last surviving members of Ram Ranch prepared to take their leave, Urianger stopped them.
"Hold, friends! Pray, do not intend to leaveth without thine newest companion."
"Why do you wanna cum," asked Ice.
"To giveth the Covenant backeth their BBC."
Everyone agreed. The group returned to the train and began their ascent back into outer space. When they had safely left Nebucock Prime's gravitational field, Urianger from Final Fantasy XIV turned to Grimoire Ice. "And who is fated to wield this weapon?"
"Alas, with all my infinite brain power, I have yet to figure that part out."
"Hey, dumbass! What good is the Keyblade if nobody here can use it," asked Vice.
Ice turned to Gaybo. "Perhaps you, a primordial god would know the answer to this riddle. He who wields the element of incest shall too wield the Keyblade."
"How the fuck is that a riddle," snapped Vice.
He was ignored. Gaybo suddenly perked up. A dark, forbidden name passed from his lush lips. "Mell!"
Just then, the entire train rocked. Retard Brother was sent flying. He slammed his head against the floor and fell unconscious. They were being boarded. One of the walls was breached. A squadron of black hoods stormed the train car. Behind them entered Godd Howard in his bloody red goth hood. Stray dollar bills fluttered behind him. He pulled out an energy sword.
"Godd Howard," exclaimed Gaybo. "I knew you were corrupt, but I never knew you'd stoop so low as to work for the BBC Covenant!"
"You see deez nutz down here," Godd taunted as he groped his own manhood. "You can suck them."
In a desperate bid to buy time, Gay Ron ran up to the godly foe and hit him with the prod cause sometimes you gotta make a silent takedown. Godd Howard immediately flopped to the floor like a fish out of water. The Covenant troops started shooting but their Tec-9s immediately began jamming up. They were shooting sideways so it's not like they were going to hit anything anyway. Gay Ron dove for the unconscious Retard while The Artist and Urianger pulled the doors open. The way into outer space was open. It was their only means of escape
One by one, the group threw themselves from the train and straight into the cold vacuum of deep space. Vice and Ice were both reluctant but even they jumped. Gay Ron left with Retard in his arms. Urianger left soon after. All that remained was Gaybo. He still clung to the Keyblade. Godd Howard began to stir from his brief state of Deus Paralysis. The Artist knew there wasn't much time so he hoisted Gaybo up with his big strong arms and walked him over to the open doors. All too late did Gaybo see the grenade in The Artist's free hand.
"Tell them to make it count," said The Artist.
Gaybo didn't even know how to count.
The Artist tossed Gaybo into space. Moments later, the entire train blew up.
== The Package ==
Gaybo woke up in the sweltering sands of a familiar desert. Being Gaybo, he immediately became aroused at the sight of so much sand. All the rolling dunes boiling under a retardedly hot sun. It got him all bothered. Just when he was about to stick his peenor into a big ole dune. One of them big ole bois. He and the others heard a voice from across the arid fields. The giant floating exclamation point marked the newcomer's position. The Night Elf Quest Giver. He shouted and flailed his arms to beckon Gaybo and his crew.
"Ooooooohhh! Ishnu-alah, weary travelers! MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmhhh! What can I do for youuu on this musky afternoon, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhwwwww!!!!!1"
Gaybo introduced himself as if he were an old acquaintance. It seemed the two knew each other. After some moaning and groaning, Gaybo explained their mission and a need to reunite with his long-lost primordial bro, Mell.
"Ooooooooh, fuck," shouted Night Elf Quest Giver. "Daddy Mell lives in the palace of... of... OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHUUUUUUUWWWWWW!!@~ The Palace of Incest. Go kill some boars and cats, traveler. When you've completed your quest I'll... mmmhh... show you the way."
Gaybo and the others decided to take their chances with the desert and find their own way. A musky palace was soon in sight. Standing outside were two robots Gaybo had not seen since 1945. The Archons of Funk. Two more residents of the primordial realm and witnesses to the fall of Wigger. Gaybo did not say anything to them. It was customary in the primordial realms to simply stare at people for a few moments, only breaking away eye contact the instant it started to become slightly awkward. The natives gazed at him intently while they played their random ass synthesizers in the middle of a fucking desert.
Upon reaching the palace, Gaybo knocked on the big ebony doors. Mell opened the doors and gazed into those deep, goth-colored eyes that he had not seen in ages. He then looked to Retard Brother who was still unconscious in Gay Ron's manly grip. "Sup, bitchez," said Mell. "You back to hear my new mixtape. This one's got some fire barz."
Gaybo explained what was going on with the help of Grimoire Ice. He informed Mell that they were not here for a reunion. They were not here to hear dem fatass barz. They were here to win the ebony wars and bring an end to the Kali Yuga. Fully aware of the dangers of the BBC Covenant, Mell had a dramatic flashback sequence to his fight with Wigger. How similar it was to the power that the Shadowlord now wields. He knew immediately what he must do. He agreed to use his incestuous powers to wield the Keyblade and Finish the Fight™. I could describe this flashback but I'm not going to cause I'm lazy as fuck and this article is too fucking long as is so fuck off.
Just as they were about to depart, two Covenant drop ships swooped in. The first one landed while the other one just kinda floated up in the air menacingly. "Look out," screamed Sora...
.......
........................
Because he's literally been here the entire time. Maybe you should have paid closer attention. He's literally in the cover art.
Only two powerful men exited the first drop ship. The first foe, Vice knew all too well. "Sikand Ur," he seethed. "I should've known you'd help the Covenant!"
Sikand Ur responded with an evil Germanic laugh.
"Why, Sikand Ur," shouted Vice with tears swelling in his eyes. "What made you so evil?"
Sikand Ur threw his head back and stared into the boiling, indifferent heavens. He thought back to his life growing up in Germany. The evilest place in the whole world next to California. "When I was just a young jugend, I saw a vending machine. I gave unto cold machine mine last Deutschmark! I wanted Orange! It gave me Lemon-Lime."
Sikand Ur wasted no more words. He pulled out his glowing red katana. It had been folded 6 gorillion times. Although, that number allegedly keeps shrinking according to newer reports.
Enraged by Sikand Ur's evil, Vice took out his own Zanpakuto. The legendary blade, Cocainemaru. It was the core power of his Stand ability.
"That has nothing to do with my Stand, fucktard," complained Vice. Little did he know, I don't actually care.
Their katanas oozed spirit energy. One brought shadow. One brought the light. Sikand Ur watched his opponent with wide, unblinking eyes. He attempted to instill dominance over Vice. A tactic bred into him from years of training in Guy Heaven. However, everyone just thought it was kinda creepy and didn't want to talk to him.
Gay Ron stepped forward but Vice stopped him. "No! He's mine."
While they powered up, the other man stepped from the shadows. A man unknown to the rest of the group. He smiled wickedly at Gaybo in particular. "Who the fuck shit are you, fuck boi," asked Gaybo.
"Ouch dad," replied the dark-haired stranger. "Isn't it society's fault I'm the way that I am?"
"Dad," gasped Gaybo.
"Doth thine ears deceive mine mind," exclaimed Urianger. "Gayeth Roboto is allergic to women. He couldeth nevereth haveth a soneth! Tis impossible!"
"Is it," the man venomously taunted. "Remember that night you and your blue-haired friend raided that graveyard? Of course, you do, Dad! My name is Haze! I was raised by the Shadowlord because you were never there! Not like I needed you anyway! ...Bitch!"
Despite his focus, Vice overheard much of the conversation between Gaybo and his alleged son. He glared over his shoulders, absolutely mortified. "Bruh! Why the fuck would you write that!? That's so nasty! The fuck is wrong with you!? Just stop!"
"It is a little messed up," agreed Gay Ron. "Now, lemme tell you an anecdote..."
Gaybo told them both to shut the fuck up. He then pulled out his Benelli M4 and switched out the bean bags for Remington green and yellow box 00 Buck. At the same time, as if they truly were related, Haze pulled out his own gun. An FN Five-seveN fresh from the factory. "Two can play at that game, Dad!"
"Nani," shouted Gaybo as he was not used to other people having guns. He prepared to charge in regardless but Urianger followed him. The faithful elf would not let Gaybo fight alone. Vice can go fuck himself, though, like fr fr. And speaking of Vice...
On the other side of the field, Vice made the first move. Speed lines raced in the background as he dashed for his opponent. Sikand Ur disappeared and then reappeared behind him. Blood spewed from a cut on Vice's shoulder. He realized right then that Sikand Ur was far stronger than when they last met. That was not a Flash Step he did just then. It was a Sonido! Their katanas crossed again and again. Each time cracks formed in the sands below because their swords were just that strong. Vice could feel his blade cut through the air without breaking. He knew his master had given him a good weapon to wield.
Sikand Ur fought with the might of an angered cock. He occasionally landed grazing wounds on Vice's supple skin but Vice failed to penetrate his reinforced Ebony armor. At one point, Vice called out to Gaybo to, "Just shoot this creepy fuck," only to find that both Gaybo and Urianger had not only already won their fight.  They were too busy teabagging Haze's corpse to notice. Haze had been sent straight to the Shadowlands. Vice suddenly got an idea. A last gambit. If he wished to defeat an opponent as powerful as Sikand Ur he had two options. Buy a fucking gun or use... THAT ability. There were no gun stores in the middle of this vast desert of nothing so he really only had one option.
"Sikand Ur," he called out. The charging samurai paused just to hear with his weaker opponent had to say. "Watch closely. I'll show you my secret technique!"
He removed his sunglasses, revealing his glistening Chris-chan colored eyes. Sikand Ur looked on, puzzled. Beams of pure light shot out of Vice's augmented vision. The beams cut through Sikand Ur's chest, killing him instantly. Vice breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad Obama gave me that surgery."
With both of the Covenant's finest warriors defeated, the second dropship landed. Sensing who was on board, Mell took up the Keyblade and stepped in front of his bros. "My turn."
The doors to the dropship opened. The Shadowlord himself emerged.
== Pillar of Autumn ==
He arrived with a whole Covenant fleet. Thousands of black hoods swarmed the desert sands. Not since the ancient war with Wigger had the Center of the Universe been invaded like this.
It was the first time Gaybo got to see him up close. He could not help but notice the rainbow blade protruding from the Shadowlord's forearm. A mystical weapon that could even break a katana. Like, imagine that! Like bruh, nothing can kill a katana! Haven't you ever seen Naroodoh?
"There you are," shouted the Shadowlord. "Been trackin' yo bitch ass all the way from Earf. You realize you da bad guys, rite!? We didn't come to glass Earf. We just had to because you kept attackin' our benevolent asses. We came to save yo dumbasses! From the Ebony you keep mining. You Hyperborean bois don't know what powers yo asses be toyin' with. Shiiieeet! We won't rest until every last sliver of Ebony has been destroyed. Like straight up. For real."
"What," asked Gaybo. "You shot first! Back in Texas!"
"We knew you wouldn't see reason," the Shadowlord fired back. "So, I sent Rocks and the rest of my mods to ban yo freaky asses."
"It makes sense," whispered Vice. "Think about it. He only glassed Texas and Florida because you were mining for Ebony."
"He also attacked Miami," reminded Gaybo.
"Yeah, but who gives a shit about Miami?"
"What about P3Cord," Gaybo inquired.
"That was in Africa, dipshit! It's nothing but Ebony out there!"
The Shadowlord raised his bladed hand, silencing the bickering couple. "We had no choice. The Ebony must be destroyed. The horrors it unleashed upon my Covenant can never be repeated. Lay down that Keyblade. This is yo final warning!"
"Never," snapped Mell. "We'll never get up!"
The Shadowlord merely shook his head. "Bro, I'm finna get serious!"
He used sonido to clear the distance and immediately slashed his blade at Mell. The primordial god blackflipped away, leaving behind a trail of sweat and pheromones. Lightning crackled from his rainbow blade. Light bent around it, warping into blinding pillars of radiance. Mell took to the sky, soaring and diving at the first sight of an opening. The Shadowlord, earfbound at first, saw this and merely evolved. He sprouted angelic wings and took to the skies. Mell dove into a nearby oasis only for the Shadowlord to spawn gills and follow him. No matter how the battlefield changed, the Shadowlord never failed to adapt.
"Impossible," shrieked Ice. "He just keeps evolving! He's managed to go beyond the limits of mere BBC. He's become... transcendental!"
Vice balled his bloody palms into fierce anime fists. "What do we do? At this rate, Mell will lose!"
Grimoire Ice bowed his pale binding in solemn recollection. "Indeed. I fear even the Keyblade's power will not be enough. Unless..."
"Unless what," demanded Gaybo. "What are you planning, Ice-san!?"
"Good luck to you, lads. It's been real." With that, Grimoire Ice floated up toward the Shadowlord.
Mell vaulted back to clear the distance. Even he could tell what was about to happen. The Shadowlord remained motionless. A gravitational force surrounded Ice, forcing the Shadowlord closer and preventing his escape. Grimoire Ice, a being of pure Ebony, exploded into a flood of light, consuming the Shadowlord in the process. When the radiance cleared, Ice was gone and the Shadowlord was lying at the base of a dune in a puddle of his own black sperm. Mell wasted no time. He dove down and plunged the Keyblade into the Shadowlord's heart.
The dark foe coughed and gasped for air. "Damn," he stammered. "Y'all built different, but you still ain't no match for... her."
"Who's her," Mell flatly asked.
The Shadowlord coughed up more sperm. "The one we wuz tryin' to stop. The one we were running from this whole time. And she's on her way. I can feel it."
"Who is she," Mell exclaimed.
"You'll see. But my time is up. My ass just got... banned..."
Right as the Shadowlord breathed his last, a dark shadow overtook the entire desert. A Covenant battleship flew in from deep space and crashed off in the distance. Vice and Gaybo climbed a dune to survey the wreckage.
"What is it," questioned Vice. "More Covenant."
Gaybo shook his head. "...Worse."
A horrible howl was heard from the wreckage. A lone, small figure emerged but it was too dark to determine who or what was coming. A miasma of asbestos and Ebony dust lingered in the sky. It polluted the land and brought death to the wild Cactuar that inhabited the desert. Mell could sense the evil that permeated the dry air. Whatever it was, it was coming straight for them. A foe that could scare even the might of the BBC Covenant and the Shadowlord himself. "We need to leave," said Mell. "I can open a portal back to Earf and seal off this entire desert. The Center of the Universe will become a negative material zone. Nothing will get out but nothing can ever go in again. It's the only way we can rid ourselves of this threat."
Mell tapped the air and opened a Garganta from Bleach. Meanwhile, the surviving Covenant realized their leader had died. They mustered their BBC weapons and advanced upon what remained of Team Gay. Their attack was relentless. Gay Ron, Gaybo, Vice, Urianger, Sora, and Mell were all immediately pinned down behind whatever cover they could find.
"If we could just get through this portal," shouted Mell. "I could seal off this end of space for good."
Gaybo stood up out of cover. He was so heroic. "Go! I'll hold them off!"
"But you'll be trapped," pleaded Mell. "Don't do it, bro!"
"No, bro! I've got the gun. You go on. Get Retard out of here. When he gets his smart juice back, tell him I did it 'cause it's what JC Denton would have done!"
Mell glanced back to the wrecked ship. Ominous shadows were closing in from behind. That terrible, unnamed threat was gaining fast. He swallowed hard when he caught only the briefest glimpse. For but a moment, their eyes met. It was like gazing into the Heart of Darkness. Her eyes, whatever they were, simply weren't human. That thing couldn't be human nor could it be Covenant. It was something else entirely. Gaybo was right. It was something worse.
Mell steeled himself and nodded. "Good luck, Spartan."
Gaybo charged into the approaching hoard of black hoods. He set off all his explosives and emptied his CS gas all at once. It gave Mell just enough time to open the Garganta. He stepped aside. Gay Ron was the first to leave. He carried Retard Brother out of the danger zone while Sora covered his ass. Urianger covered Sora's ass. They all left together as a single unit. Vice was the only one to stay behind. He tried calling out to Gaybo, but Mell grabbed him and pulled him through the portal. As he was dragged away Vice cried out, "Gaybo, I love you!"
Gaybo heard this last bit of fanservice even over the sound of flopping BBCs and gunfire. "I know you do. Gay ass motherfucker."
== Lone Wolf ==
Gaybo fought valiantly. He must have defeated 50 elites but in the end, it didn't even matter.
"Duo wield," screamed Gaybo as he took out two Desert Eagles and just started blasting. Wave after wave of BBC Elites lunged at him. Black sperm lapped around his cowboy boots and spurs. For the duration of the battle, that mysterious blonde figure never moved. She sat atop a rock. The Covenant attackers were either ignorant of her presence or were too afraid to attack her. She watched Gaybo intently as he slowly but surely succumbed to the shadowy horde.
He was finally hit by a BBC energy weapon in the chest. He lifted one of his .50 cals and kept firing until two Elites ganged up on him. They managed to shove him to the ground. He kept fighting. Kept killing waves of Elites. When his magazines ran dry, he fought with his cosmic fists. At last, a pair of Elites advanced with energy swords. An ancient combo that Gaybo had seen before. The blades resembled brass knuckles with a joust attached. They brought their weapons down upon him.
They kept advancing but he kept on fighting.
The End