Robin Hood: Men in Tights/Transcript

Help! Me house is on fire!
Me house is on fire!
 
 
Call the fire brigade!
 
 
Fill them up!
 
 
Pass the bucket!
 
 
There must be another way
of doing the credits!
 
 
That's right!
 
 
Every time they make a Robin Hood
movie, they burn our village down.
 
 
Leave us alone, Mel Brooks!
 
 
Yo! Check it out
Prince John and the Sheriff
 
 
They was running the show
 
 
Raising the taxes
'Cause they needed the dough
 
 
A reign of terror
Took over the land
 
 
They was shaking down the people
Just to beat the band
 
 
Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
 
 
The people were unhappy
Morale was low
 
 
They had no place to turn to
There was nowhere to go
 
 
They needed a hero
But no one could be found
 
 
'Cause Robin Hood was out of town
I said Hey!
 
 
Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
 
 
He was put into the slammer
By his Arab foe
 
 
And in a little while
He would be no more
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey!
 
 
- I said Hey!
- Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny
 
 
Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho
 
 
Check it out!
 
 
Hello! Hello!
 
 
Welcome! Welcome...
 
 
...to your dungeon!
 
 
Hello! I am Falafel...
 
 
...maitre d' dungeon.
 
 
Please allow me to show you
to your cell. Come.
 
 
Duck!
 
 
I always forget about that.
 
 
I'm so sorry, but we cannot seat you
without the proper attire. See?
 
 
Irving.
 
 
That's much better. Now, I leave you
in the capable hands of Muktar.
 
 
He's our head guard.
 
 
Please, it's better you cooperate
with him. He's a tough guy.
 
 
And if there's anything you require,
please don't hesitate to scream.
 
 
Coming!
 
 
We're so busy!
 
 
Follow me.
 
 
Please sit.
 
 
Robin of Loxley...
 
 
...where is your king?
 
 
King?
 
 
King?
 
 
And which king might that be?
King Richard? King Louis?
 
 
King Kong?
 
 
Larry King?
 
 
Lmpertinent English dog.
 
 
You shall talk.
 
 
I don't think so.
 
 
Churchim...
 
 
...please, the tongue looseners.
 
 
Speak, you dog.
 
 
Speak!
 
 
What did he say?
 
 
You don't wanna know.
 
 
You very brave for not a homeboy.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
I've been in this place for a while.
Perhaps I can be of service.
 
 
Do you have any questions?
 
 
What are you in for?
 
 
Jaywalking.
 
 
I see.
 
 
It won't be easy getting out of here.
 
 
What we need is a great
feat of strength.
 
 
Feat of strength?
 
 
Au contraire!
 
 
Now that you're here with me, what we
have is great strength of feet!
 
 
Don't follow.
 
 
Do as I do.
 
 
Put your feet on the bar.
Both feet.
 
 
Now, on the count of kick.
 
 
Kick!
 
 
What was that noise?
 
 
Noise? Noise?
 
 
The noise you heard was the breaking
of this poor man's heart.
 
 
Yes, that's it!
 
 
What?
 
 
He's decided to save his own life
by betraying his king.
 
 
Oh, yes. That's it.
 
 
Oh, damn my eyes!
 
 
Go tell your superiors
before he changes his mind.
 
 
By the love of Allah!
This is a wonderful thing!
 
 
Go!
 
 
It will mean a big promotion for me!
 
 
Go!
 
 
Good news is always rewarded!
 
 
Please go.
 
 
On the other hand...
 
 
...bad news is severely punished.
 
 
Now is our chance.
 
 
Quick, follow me!
You get that chain, I'll get this one.
 
 
- I'm free!
- You're free!
 
 
I'm going home!
 
 
Come on, take my hand!
 
 
On the count of three!
One! Two! Three!
 
 
I just told them the good news,
and...
 
 
...and...
 
 
And I'm in deep shit.
 
 
It is a very long journey
from Africa to England, my friend.
 
 
Well...
 
 
...I owe you a debt of gratitude.
I am called Robin of Loxley.
 
 
My name is Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.
 
 
Bless you.
 
 
Ahchoo is my son.
He's in England, your country.
 
 
He's an exchange student.
 
 
I'd like you to look after him.
 
 
He is in need of guidance.
He is headstrong and cocksure.
 
 
Or is it the other way around?
 
 
Say no more.
 
 
I vow on the sacred word of Loxley.
I give you my undying pledge...
 
 
...my solemn oath on my father's honour,
on the blood of my heart...
 
 
...on the word of my soul...
- Good, good, good!
 
 
You must go now,
or you will miss the tide.
 
 
Well, farewell, my friend,
and not to worry.
 
 
I'll find Ahchoo.
 
 
Goodbye, my friend.
 
 
Farewell!
 
 
Safe journey!
 
 
Home!
 
 
Home!
 
 
England!
 
 
A horse!
 
 
A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
 
 
Ahchoo?
 
 
Bless you!
 
 
I hope someone's getting
the video of this.
 
 
That must be him.
 
 
Watch my back!
 
 
Your back just got punched twice.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
Hey, thanks, man.
 
 
You're welcome.
 
 
Who are you anyway?
 
 
I think now is not the time
for introductions.
 
 
Time-out!
 
 
Excuse me, bad guys.
I am running out of air.
 
 
Gotta get pumped.
 
 
Okay, honkies. Time in!
 
 
By the bye...
 
 
...do you know praying mantis?
 
 
You're looking at him.
 
 
Let's get out of here!
 
 
Yeah, boy!
 
 
Right, go ahead! Punk!
 
 
They're witches!
 
 
- They're possessed!
- They're crazy!
 
 
- Good work.
- Thanks, man.
 
 
You haven't seen the last of us!
 
 
You've seen the last of us.
 
 
There she is, Loxley Hall.
 
 
Home of my family
for seven generations.
 
 
Let's go!
 
 
Move it!
Come on, let's go!
 
 
That's a boy! Let's go! Move it!
 
 
That's it.
Keep it going!
 
 
Keep it going!
 
 
Come on, come on!
Move it, move it!
 
 
- Here we go.
- Stop the castle!
 
 
You, there! I demand to know
what is going on here!
 
 
Read it and weep.
 
 
What up with that?
 
 
" Hear ye, hear ye.
 
 
For failure to pay taxes,
all the lands and properties...
 
 
...of the Loxley family
shall be taken.
 
 
Signed, Prince John's Royal
Accountant, H.M.R. Blockhead."
 
 
This is a sham! I vow I will restore
my castle to its rightful place.
 
 
You vow, we move!
 
 
Let's go, boys! Take it out!
 
 
Come on!
 
 
Move it!
 
 
Keep it going!
 
 
Come on!
 
 
That's a boy!
 
 
Blinkin?
 
 
Who's that?
 
 
It's Blinkin,
our family's loyal blind servant.
 
 
- I gotta get the horse, man.
- Good.
 
 
Be right out!
 
 
Blinkin!
 
 
Master Robin, is that you?
 
 
Back from the Crusades?
 
 
And alive?
 
 
Happy day!
 
 
I'm quite sure there was a door there.
 
 
Master Robin!
 
 
You lost your arms in battle!
 
 
Oh, how terrible!
 
 
But you grew some nice boobs!
 
 
Blinkin, I'm over here.
 
 
Later.
 
 
Listen to me.
They've taken the castle!
 
 
I thought it felt a bit drafty.
 
 
This never would've happened
if your father was alive.
 
 
He's dead?
 
 
Yes!
 
 
And my mother?
 
 
She died of pneumonia whilst...
Oh, you were away.
 
 
My brothers?
 
 
They were all killed by the plague.
 
 
My dog, Pongo?
 
 
Run over by a carriage.
 
 
My goldfish, Goldie?
 
 
Eaten by the cat.
 
 
My cat?
 
 
Choked on the goldfish.
 
 
It's good to be home,
ain't it, Master Robin?
 
 
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
 
 
What is that?
 
 
Your father wanted me
to give you this.
 
 
He said that inside is the key...
 
 
...to the greatest treasure
in all the land.
 
 
May I keep it?
 
 
No, I think I ought
to honour my father's wishes.
 
 
Of course.
 
 
Come, Blinkin.
 
 
Let us leave this
depressing foundation.
 
 
We have much to do,
and less time to do it in.
 
 
Hey, Robin, wait up.
 
 
Oh. Well done.
 
 
He's fast, but I caught his ass.
 
 
- Who's that?
- Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
 
 
A Jew? Here?
 
 
No, no. Not a Jew. Ahchoo.
 
 
Hey, put it there.
 
 
How do you do?
 
 
I've been better.
 
 
What's that?
 
 
Help me! Help me!
 
 
Save me!
 
 
Save me!
 
 
Looks like a runaway white boy.
 
 
All right, steady on.
What's the matter?
 
 
They're after me.
 
 
Who is?
 
 
Over that boy hand!
 
 
Hand over that boy.
 
 
Who demands it?
 
 
The Sheriff of Rottingham.
 
 
What has the boy done?
 
 
He was poaching in the king's forest.
He deered to kill a king's dare.
 
 
Dared to kill a king's deer.
 
 
And this is an offence?
 
 
One punishable by death.
Where have you been?
 
 
Fighting with King Richard
in the Crusades.
 
 
Unfortunately, my father couldn't
get me into the National Guard.
 
 
How dare you talk to me in that fashion!
Who are you?
 
 
I am Robin of Loxley.
 
 
I've heard of you.
They say you're handy with a sword.
 
 
Let's find out!
 
 
What happened?
 
 
I was angry at you before, Loxley...
 
 
...but now I'm really pissed off!
 
 
Pissed off?
 
 
If I was that close to a horse's wiener,
I'd worry about getting pissed on.
 
 
This wasn't a very smart thing
for you to have done.
 
 
I'll pay for this!
 
 
You'll pay for this!
 
 
Kill them!
 
 
Wait!
 
 
I've changed my mind.
 
 
Wise decision.
 
 
So until we meet again...
 
 
...have a safe journey.
 
 
Mind the big rocks!
 
 
Shut up, you bloody fools!
 
 
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
 
 
Thank you for saving me life, me lord.
 
 
I'll tell every man that
there is one who is not afraid...
 
 
...to stand up to Rottingham.
 
 
Good. Tell them that. And tell them
I vow to put an end to the injustice.
 
 
Right the wrongs. End the tyranny.
 
 
Restore the throne.
 
 
Protect the forest.
 
 
Introduce folk dancing.
 
 
Demand a four-day workweek and health
care for Saxons and Normans.
 
 
Yes, yes!
Good, good.
 
 
It's getting dark, and I got
to go home alone now.
 
 
Right, right.
 
 
What an unusual child.
 
 
Where is the one
 
 
That I love most of all?
 
 
When will I hear him call
 
 
Marian, Marian?
 
 
He is the one
 
 
Who can make my life whole
 
 
Joyful forevermore
 
 
I've waited so patiently
 
 
For a true love
 
 
When will he come for me?
 
 
Where is he?
 
 
Where is he?
 
 
Where is the man
 
 
Who carries the key?
 
 
When will he be...
 
 
... with his Marian, Marian?
 
 
I cannot wait
 
 
Till he sets my heart free
 
 
Oh, when will I know him?
 
 
When will I see him?
 
 
When will I hear him...
 
 
... say "Marian, my love"?
 
 
Hurry up, mein lady!
 
 
You better get out of that tub
before that thing begins to rust.
 
 
All right, Broomhilde.
 
 
Hurry! Hurry!
 
 
It's freezing!
 
 
Button up.
You'll catch your death of cold.
 
 
These castles are so drafty.
 
 
Toasty warm.
 
 
Broomhilde, look!
 
 
A happy little bluebird.
 
 
This means I must make a wish.
 
 
I hope against hope...
 
 
...I wish against wish...
 
 
...that the heavens bring me a kind,
wonderful, gentle man...
 
 
...who possesses the key to my...
 
 
...heart.
 
 
Goodbye, my little friend.
 
 
That happy little bluebird has left
a happy little doo-doo on your hand.
 
 
Prince John, I must speak with you!
 
 
All right, everybody.
Later, later.
 
 
Later.
 
 
Sire...
 
 
...I have news.
 
 
What sort of news? Not bad news.
You know I can't take bad news.
 
 
The day began so good. I had a good
night's sleep. I had a good b.m.
 
 
I don't wanna hear any bad news.
 
 
Now what type of news is it?
 
 
To be perfectly frank, it's bad.
 
 
I knew it!
 
 
I knew it was bad news!
 
 
Wait a minute, I have an idea.
 
 
Maybe if you tell me the bad news
in a good way, it won't sound so bad.
 
 
The bad news in a good way?
 
 
Yes, yes, I can do that.
 
 
The bad news in a good way, yes.
 
 
Well, here goes.
 
 
Wait till you hear this.
I just saw Robin of Loxley.
 
 
He's back from the Crusades.
 
 
You know, he just beat the crap
out of me and my men!
 
 
You know, he hates you
and he loves your brother, Richard.
 
 
And he wants to see you hanged!
 
 
We're in a lot of trouble.
 
 
What are you, crazy?
 
 
Why are you laughing?
This is terrible news!
 
 
Well, I was just trying
to soften the blow.
 
 
Well, you blew it.
 
 
This is a knotty problem
not easily solved.
 
 
Yes, you're right.
 
 
What to do? What to do?
 
 
What to do?
 
 
Got it! Latrine!
 
 
The weird creature in the tower.
The one who predicts my future.
 
 
Oh, yes, Latrine.
 
 
Is she ugly!
 
 
Latrine!
 
 
Latrine, where are you?
I must talk with you!
 
 
It's you.
 
 
There's a new threat to my power.
 
 
What can you tell me
about Robin of Loxley?
 
 
Robin of Loxley?
 
 
Robin of Loxley.
 
 
Let me see.
 
 
Raven's egg.
 
 
Blood of a hen.
 
 
Little bit more blood, yes.
 
 
Eyeballs of a crocodile.
 
 
Testicles of a newt.
 
 
I guess he's a transsexual now.
 
 
Robin of Loxley is handsome and brave.
 
 
He seeks to regain his family's honour.
 
 
The little sod could be trouble.
 
 
- Are you certain?
- Certain?
 
 
You want certain, hire a witch.
I'm just your cook.
 
 
Here.
 
 
Eat this.
 
 
It's fabulous.
 
 
Looks like a Seder
at Vincent Price's house.
 
 
Such an unusual name, Latrine.
How did your family come by it?
 
 
We changed it in the ninth century.
 
 
You mean you changed it to Latrine?
 
 
Yeah, it used to be Shithouse.
 
 
It's a good change.
 
 
It's a good change.
 
 
Now, what about this Robin fellow?
 
 
How can I stop him?
 
 
Maybe...
 
 
...I could devise a magic potion.
 
 
One that would make him unable
to perform the slightest task.
 
 
But in return...
 
 
...you must help me.
 
 
What are you, kidding?
Name it. Anything you want.
 
 
Put in a good word for me
with the Sheriff of Rottingham.
 
 
I've got the hots for him.
 
 
I keep a likeness of him
in my boudoir.
 
 
Rotty.
 
 
Rotty, Rotty, Rotty.
 
 
I'm amazed to think that a handsome
blade like the Sheriff of Rottingham...
 
 
...would ever want a creature
like you.
 
 
Well, if you're going
to puncture my dreams...
 
 
...you can forget my promise
to help you!
 
 
No, wait!
 
 
Wait, wait, wait!
 
 
Maybe if we got him drunk.
 
 
Very drunk.
 
 
You got a shot.
 
 
Oh, good.
 
 
Dismount.
 
 
Wait here.
I'll go make sure it's safe.
 
 
I say, would you mind awfully
getting out of the way?
 
 
I say, not until you pay the toll.
 
 
Toll? What toll?
 
 
Well, the toll you pay
for crossing me bridge.
 
 
I'm not paying any toll.
 
 
This bridge is on my family's land.
 
 
Well, it used to be my family's land.
 
 
You're Robin of Loxley!
 
 
And whom might you be?
 
 
They call me Little John.
 
 
But don't let my name fool you.
 
 
In real life...
 
 
...l'm very big.
 
 
I'll take your word for it.
Now, let me pass.
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
But a toll is a toll...
 
 
...and a roll is a roll.
 
 
And if we don't get no tolls,
then we don't eat no rolls.
 
 
I made that up.
 
 
It's very fascinating, but I'm
afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
 
 
My pleasure. Will!
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
Hey, Blinkin.
 
 
Did you say, "Abe Lincoln"?
 
 
No, I didn't say, "Abe Lincoln."
I said, " Hey, Blinkin."
 
 
Hold the reins, man.
 
 
Damn.
 
 
- Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.
 
 
You don't have to do this.
 
 
Look...
 
 
...this ain't exactly the Mississippi!
 
 
I'm on one side, see?
 
 
I'm on the other side.
 
 
I'm on the east bank.
 
 
I'm on the west bank.
 
 
It is not that critical.
 
 
Not the point.
It's the principal of the thing.
 
 
Nice knowing you.
 
 
Help me!
 
 
I can't swim!
 
 
I'm drowning!
Oh, God, I'm drowning!
 
 
Help me!
 
 
Help! Help me!
 
 
Help me! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
 
 
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
 
 
There, there. You're all right now.
 
 
Thank you, Robin.
 
 
You saved me life.
 
 
- What?
- Air!
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
There. I'm in your debit.
 
 
- Think nothing of it.
- Are you all right?
 
 
Let me introduce you to my friends.
That is Blinkin...
 
 
...and this is Ahchoo.
 
 
Bless you.
 
 
That's my name, man.
 
 
Let me introduce you
to my best friend.
 
 
Will Scarlet.
 
 
Scarlet's my middle name.
 
 
My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
 
 
We're from Georgia.
 
 
He's deadly with his daggers.
 
 
Really? How's about a demonstration?
 
 
Gladly.
 
 
Fire an arrow...
 
 
...straight at my heart.
 
 
Are you serious?
 
 
Absolutely.
 
 
Goodbye.
 
 
What part of Georgia you from?
South Central?
 
 
I haven't quite figured
that part out yet.
 
 
I see.
 
 
I'm sorry about the toll thing, Robin.
 
 
It's Prince John.
 
 
He's taken our homes and everything
we own. We've nothing left.
 
 
Not to worry, Little John.
 
 
I'm planning to make trouble for
Prince John and Rottingham.
 
 
Tonight, I'll crash their party...
 
 
...to tell them I'll fight to rid
England of their tyranny!
 
 
Good! We'll join you!
 
 
Hear, hear!
 
 
I can't risk the lives of others.
One can get in more easily than six.
 
 
I must be off.
 
 
Fare thee well.
I'll see thee upon my return.
 
 
All right, man. Peace, bro.
 
 
Take it easy.
 
 
Man, white men can't jump.
 
 
- Here you are, son.
- Your ticket, sir.
 
 
Kill him!
 
 
No, wait!
 
 
You know, a mime...
 
 
...is a terrible thing to waste.
 
 
Let him go.
 
 
Good evening, lady.
 
 
Lovely!
 
 
Maid Marian...
 
 
...you know our good
Sheriff of Rottingham?
 
 
You look ravishing, my dear.
 
 
Please allow me to help you
to your seat.
 
 
I must say that Prince John has spared
no expense for tonight's party.
 
 
We have exotic foods from across
the seas. Coconuts, bananas...
 
 
...and dates.
Would you care for a date?
 
 
- Yes, thank you.
- How about next Thursday?
 
 
Good evening.
 
 
That's him! That's him!
 
 
That's Loxley!
 
 
Greetings, Your Highness.
 
 
Tref.
 
 
A present for you and your guests.
 
 
That's a wild boar!
 
 
No, no. That's a wild pig.
That's a wild bore.
 
 
Funny!
 
 
Very amusing!
 
 
So you're Robin of Loxley, huh?
 
 
I've heard so much about you.
 
 
And you are?
 
 
Maid Marian.
 
 
Maid Marian.
 
 
Rumours of your beauty have travelled
far and wide.
 
 
Yet I see they hardly do you justice.
 
 
What a smoothie!
 
 
He's definitely a smoothie.
 
 
Enough!
 
 
King illegal forest...
 
 
...to pig wild...
 
 
...kill in it a is...
 
 
What?
 
 
I mean, don't you know?
 
 
It is illegal to kill wild pig
in the king's forest!
 
 
Is it not also illegal
to sit in the king's throne...
 
 
...and usurp his power in his absence?
 
 
Careful, Robin! You go too far.
 
 
I've only just begun.
 
 
I'm warning you, if you don't stop
levying these taxes...
 
 
...l'll lead the people
in a revolt against you.
 
 
And why should the people
listen to you?
 
 
Because unlike some
other Robin Hoods...
 
 
...I can speak with an English accent.
 
 
To tell you the truth, this guy's
starting to get on my nerves!
 
 
Worry not, Your Highness.
 
 
I shall dispose of this
feathered upstart.
 
 
I challenge you to a duel.
 
 
I accept.
 
 
That's going to cost you, Loxley!
 
 
Please put it on my bill.
 
 
So it's come down to this, has it?
 
 
A fight to the death...
 
 
...mano a mano...
 
 
...man to man...
 
 
...just you and me and my...
 
 
...guards!
 
 
Check please, table one.
 
 
Hurry! Let's get out of here!
 
 
- Refreshment, sir?
- Thank you, Blinkin.
 
 
Sounds like we're winning, sir.
 
 
Indeed we are. Carry on.
 
 
Save me! Save me!
Hurt them! Hurt them!
 
 
Save them, save them!
Hurt you, hurt you! I've got it.
 
 
Care for some dessert?
 
 
Archers ready!
 
 
Fire!
 
 
Maid Marian!
 
 
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
 
 
Depends on what you're looking at.
 
 
Well?
 
 
To be continued.
 
 
Mein liebchen, I'm so glad
I found you.
 
 
This party's getting rough.
 
 
When I'm good, I'm good.
 
 
Don't let them get away!
Surround the hall!
 
 
Now you're talking!
 
 
I hope it's worth the noise!
 
 
We got him! We got him!
 
 
Right rope.
 
 
Look at this!
We went from royalty to recycling.
 
 
Would you get the door?
 
 
Yeah, I'll try.
 
 
It's been a wonderful party,
and we'd love to stay and all that...
 
 
...but I'm afraid we really must dash.
So ta-ta!
 
 
I sent word that each village should
send the very best men they have.
 
 
These are them.
 
 
We're in a lot of trouble.
 
 
Good people, who have travelled from
villages near and far...
 
 
...lend me your ears.
 
 
That's disgusting.
 
 
Hear me!
 
 
Men like Prince John and Rottingham
must be stopped!
 
 
Stopped from taxing us into poverty!
Stopped from taking what is ours!
 
 
If we stand up to them all together
as one, we can win the day!
 
 
We shall go on to the end.
We shall not flag or fail.
 
 
We shall fight on the seas and oceans.
 
 
We shall defend our isle,
whatever the cost may be.
 
 
We shall never surrender.
 
 
Then they shall say of us:
 
 
" Never have so many
owed so much to so few."
 
 
That was beautiful. What's going on?
 
 
They're asleep.
 
 
Hey, man.
 
 
Tough room.
 
 
Why don't you let me give it a try?
 
 
Look at yourselves.
 
 
Go on, take a look around.
 
 
People of Sherwood, you been had!
 
 
Hoodwinked!
 
 
Bamboozled.
 
 
Run amuck!
 
 
We didn't land on Sherwood Forest.
 
 
Sherwood Forest landed on us!
 
 
Very good.
 
 
They're all warmed up.
 
 
Brother Ahchoo is right.
 
 
And I say we fight back!
 
 
Are you with me?
Yea or nay?
 
 
Which one means yes?
 
 
Yea.
 
 
Grab your uniforms and equipment
and prepare for the training sequence.
 
 
All right, gentlemen,
grab your feathered caps, shotguns...
 
 
...bodkins, boots...
 
 
...swords...
 
 
...quivers...
 
 
...and pantyhose!
 
 
Now, men, the object of this exercise
is to hit the target.
 
 
Now, men...
 
 
...keep your eye on Will,
and do exactly as he does.
 
 
Very good! Well done!
 
 
- All right!
- Right, Will!
 
 
That's not hard.
 
 
- We could do that.
- Piece of cake.
 
 
Good boy.
 
 
Ready, men?
 
 
Charge!
 
 
Man!
 
 
Rob, man, maybe we should take
the dummies into battle.
 
 
I must speak with you.
 
 
What are you smelling?
 
 
These aren't my bubbles.
They're from the pipes.
 
 
Your Majesty, I have terrible news.
 
 
Strucky has loxed again.
 
 
What?
 
 
Loxley has struck again.
 
 
I'm gonna need some privacy,
so you guys can blow.
 
 
Not blow.
 
 
Blow!
 
 
I'm so depressed.
 
 
Come with me. I'll show you something
that will make you very happy.
 
 
Fetch the royal robe!
 
 
Your Majesty...
 
 
...stop me if I'm wrong about this,
but wasn't your mole...
 
 
...on the other side?
 
 
I have a mole?
 
 
What is it?
 
 
It's what we've named
a Stealth Catapult.
 
 
We've been working on it secretly
for months.
 
 
It can hurl one of these
heavy boulders undetected...
 
 
...over yards, completely
destroying anything it hits.
 
 
- How does it work?
- It's quite simple.
 
 
Take a heavy rock. Put it where
I'm sitting. Then pull that lever.
 
 
You mean like this?
 
 
Oh, dear Lord...
 
 
...if you see fit to send me
my one true love...
 
 
Thank you!
 
 
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you're here!
 
 
Let me work magic on you.
 
 
Kiss me! Kiss me! Touch me!
 
 
My back!
 
 
I've got a headache.
 
 
Where are you going? Oh, bugger!
 
 
I was that close.
 
 
I touched it.
 
 
I don't like the way you're walking.
 
 
You've been into
the sacramental wine again.
 
 
You're fahsnickered!
 
 
You drunken mule, you.
 
 
Whoa, Morris! Whoa!
 
 
Halt there, friend.
 
 
You've just entered the territory
of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
 
 
Feygeles?
 
 
We're straight, just merry.
 
 
And who might you be with
the long feather in your hat?
 
 
I am Robin of Loxley.
 
 
Robin of Loxley?
 
 
I've just come from Maid Marian,
the lady whose heart you stole.
 
 
You prince of thieves, you.
 
 
I knew her parents before
they were taken in the plague...
 
 
...Lord and Lady Bagelle.
 
 
You and Maid Marian were meant
for each other.
 
 
What a combination!
Loxley and Bagelle. Can't miss.
 
 
And who are you, sir?
 
 
I am Rabbi Tuckman...
 
 
...purveyor of sacramental wine...
 
 
...and mohel extraordinaire.
 
 
Hello, rabbi.
 
 
Hello, boys.
 
 
Mohel? I've never heard
of that profession.
 
 
Mohel, he's a very important guy.
He makes circumcisions.
 
 
What, pray tell, sir,
is a circumcision?
 
 
It's the latest rage.
The ladies love it.
 
 
I want one.
 
 
- I'll take two.
- I get one!
 
 
I'm game. How's it done?
 
 
It's a snap.
 
 
I take my little machine.
 
 
I take your little thing. See?
 
 
I put it into this little
hole here...
 
 
...and nip the tip.
 
 
Who's first?
 
 
I changed me mind.
 
 
I forgot, I already got one.
 
 
Question...
 
 
I gotta work with a much
younger crowd.
 
 
Rabbi, you seem to be
on the side of good.
 
 
Will you join us
and share your wisdom...
 
 
...your counsel and perhaps...
 
 
...some of your wine?
 
 
Well, wisdom and counsel, that's easy.
 
 
But this is sacramental wine.
 
 
It's only used to bless things.
 
 
Wait a minute!
There's things here.
 
 
There's trees, there's rocks...
 
 
...there's birds, there's squirrels.
 
 
Come on! We'll bless them all
until we get fahsnickered!
 
 
Join me!
 
 
Let's hear it for the rabbi!
 
 
Good evening, Don Giovanni.
 
 
It was very good of you to come
at such short notice.
 
 
And all the way from Jersey.
 
 
Well, it is quite a drive.
 
 
But you do realize that Prince John
commanded this to be a secret meeting?
 
 
I mean, who are these men?
 
 
These are my trusted associates.
 
 
On my right, Dirty Ezio.
 
 
On my left...
 
 
...Filthy Luca.
 
 
Now...
 
 
...we thank you for inviting us
on the day of your daughter's wedding.
 
 
I hope her first child
is a masculine child.
 
 
Shut up.
We didn't have our meeting yet.
 
 
All right...
 
 
...I understand you've been bothered
by this fruit, Robin Hood.
 
 
And you want Robin rubbed out...
 
 
...eliminated, maybe even killed.
 
 
Yes, you put it succinctly.
 
 
Suck what?
 
 
- Succinctly. It means " perfectly."
- Oh, yeah. I knew that.
 
 
Excuse me, Don Giovanni...
 
 
...your lizard seems limp.
 
 
At my age, you know, sometimes...
 
 
Oh, my lizard!
 
 
He's just sleeping, that's all.
Charlie. Charlie!
 
 
I could have been somebody.
 
 
I could have been a contender.
You know, Charlie's got bad breath.
 
 
He got excited, you know. Come on.
 
 
Normally, I would be so happy
to be of service to you...
 
 
...but there is something that weighs
heavily on my heart.
 
 
In the years that we've been friends,
England and Jersey...
 
 
...never once have you invited me
to your home for coffee and cake.
 
 
Or ganool.
 
 
Something, you know?
 
 
- A g-what?
- A ganool.
 
 
It's a pastry with stuffing.
And it's got sprinkles on it.
 
 
Excuse me.
 
 
I don't understand a word
you're saying.
 
 
I just got back from the dentist...
 
 
...and they left in the cotton.
 
 
I will take these cotton balls
from you with my hand...
 
 
...and put them in my pocket.
 
 
Whatever.
 
 
Your other associate says little.
 
 
- He says nothing.
- Why is that?
 
 
Because my enemy cut out his tongue.
 
 
Good grief! Why?
 
 
Because he went like this.
 
 
And he didn't like it,
so he cut out his tongue.
 
 
Come over here. Go like this.
 
 
He can't do it!
 
 
I love to tease him.
 
 
- Tell me, Don Giovanni.
- That's me. What?
 
 
What will you do about Robin Hood?
 
 
Listen, I've got an idea.
 
 
Tomorrow, you're going to have
your medieval fun and games.
 
 
The most important event will be
the archery contest.
 
 
Robin won't be able to resist.
 
 
Why's that?
 
 
We'll make him an offer
he can't refuse.
 
 
I was just gonna say that.
 
 
- That's brilliant!
- Thank you.
 
 
- But...
- What?
 
 
You do realize that Robin is
the finest archer in the land?
 
 
Don't you understand?
Luca is good, better, best.
 
 
Show him your archery medals.
 
 
See? I couldn't have said it
better myself.
 
 
Now, Luca beats Robin
at the archery contest and then...
 
 
...Dirty Ezio makes Robin no more.
 
 
" No more"?
 
 
You want plain English?
Robin is gonna be dead.
 
 
D-E-D...
 
 
...dead.
 
 
Dead.
 
 
You hear him there?
 
 
Broomhilde! Broomhilde, wake up!
 
 
There's a foul plot afoot.
 
 
It's not mein feet.
I just washed them!
 
 
Prince John and the Sheriff have hired
men to kill Robin. We must warn him!
 
 
Wait, mein lady!
If Prince John should see us...
 
 
Right. We'll go out the back.
 
 
Right.
 
 
Lady!
 
 
Broomhilde, I'm going on ahead.
Catch me up!
 
 
Come on, lady.
 
 
Farfelkugel!
 
 
Farfelkugel...
 
 
...if I was you,
I would never do that again!
 
 
Any questions?
 
 
Good.
 
 
What are you doing up there?
 
 
Guessing.
 
 
I...
 
 
...guess no one's coming.
 
 
Please come down from there.
 
 
Twit.
 
 
I guess there's a ladder
around here somewhere.
 
 
Here we are.
 
 
Right.
 
 
Oh, shit!
 
 
I can see!
 
 
I was wrong.
 
 
Blimey, these are hard to get on.
 
 
Let's face it, you've got to be a man
to wear tights.
 
 
Will...
 
 
...how are me seams?
 
 
Perfect.
 
 
Every time.
 
 
We're men
 
 
We're men in tights
 
 
We roam around the forest
Looking for fights
 
 
We're men
 
 
We're men in tights
 
 
We rob from the rich
And give to the poor
 
 
That's right!
 
 
We may look like sissies
 
 
But watch what you say
Or else we'll put out your lights
 
 
We're men
 
 
We're men in tights
 
 
Always on guard
Defending the people's rights
 
 
We're men
Manly men!
 
 
We're men in tights
Yes!
 
 
We roam around the forest
Looking for fights
 
 
We're men
 
 
We're men in tights
 
 
We rob from the rich
And give to the poor
 
 
That's right!
 
 
We may look like pansies
 
 
But don't get us wrong
Or else we'll put out your lights
 
 
We're men
 
 
We're men in tights
Tight tights!
 
 
Always on guard
Defending the people's rights
 
 
When you're in a fix
Just call for the men in tights
 
 
We're butch!
 
 
Here.
 
 
Allow me.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
You're so sweet.
 
 
Is there anything I can do for you?
 
 
You can get off me.
 
 
Little John!
 
 
I panicked.
 
 
What are you doing here?
 
 
Prince John and Rottingham have hired
murderers to kill you at the fair.
 
 
You mustn't go.
 
 
Well, that's easy. I won't.
 
 
I'm so happy.
 
 
They were going to lure you there
by having an archery contest.
 
 
An archery contest?
 
 
Their archer is unbeatable.
 
 
Really?
 
 
Robin, promise you won't go.
 
 
All right, I promise you won't go.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
Hey, wait a minute. You said...
 
 
- Cool it!
- Chilled.
 
 
Come, my dear.
 
 
The night is young,
and you're so beautiful.
 
 
B flat.
 
 
The night is young
 
 
And you're so beautiful
 
 
Here among...
 
 
... the shadows
 
 
Beautiful lady
 
 
Open your heart
 
 
The scene is set
 
 
The breezes sing of it
 
 
Can't you get
 
 
Into the swing of it?
 
 
Lady
 
 
When do we start?
 
 
When the lady is kissable
 
 
And the evening is cool
 
 
Any dream is permissible
 
 
In the heart of a fool
 
 
The moon is high
 
 
And you're so glamourous
 
 
And if I seem over-amorous
 
 
Lady
 
 
What can I do?
 
 
The night is young
 
 
And I'm in love
 
 
With...
 
 
... you!
 
 
Oh, my dearest,
I'm ready for that kiss now.
 
 
But first, I must warn you...
 
 
...it could only be a kiss.
 
 
For I am a virgin...
 
 
...and could never...
 
 
...go all the way.
 
 
Unless, of course, I were married.
 
 
Or if a man pledged
his endless love...
 
 
...to me.
 
 
Or if I knew that he
desperately cared for me.
 
 
Or if he were really cute.
 
 
But my darling, you're shivering.
 
 
Are you cold? What are you wearing
underneath that cape?
 
 
Practically nothing.
 
 
Oh, except that.
 
 
I forgot to tell you about
my chastity belt. It's an Everlast.
 
 
I'll bet.
 
 
Oh, darling...
 
 
...don't despair...
 
 
...for it is written on a scroll:
 
 
"One day, he who is destined
for me...
 
 
...shall be endowed
with the magical key...
 
 
...that will bring an end to my...
 
 
...virginity."
 
 
Oh, Marian...
 
 
...if only t'were me.
 
 
Oh, if it t'were you, t'would be...
 
 
...t'werrific.
 
 
No ding-ding without the wedding ring.
 
 
Goodbye, my dearest.
 
 
Toodle-loo!
 
 
- Time-out! Time-out!
- What is wrong?
 
 
I should have never worn these shoes.
 
 
They just don't match my purse.
 
 
Blinkin, fix your boobs.
 
 
You look like a bleeding Picasso.
 
 
Goodness gracious!
 
 
Peanuts!
 
 
Peanut power here!
Poor man's lunch there!
 
 
Shell game here!
 
 
The Royal Archery Contest
is about to begin!
 
 
Archers, take your places!
 
 
Are we...
 
 
...prepared?
 
 
Sire.
 
 
Oh, it's good.
 
 
It's good.
 
 
Archers...
 
 
...to the line!
 
 
Ready...
 
 
...aim...
 
 
...wait for it...
 
 
...fire!
 
 
The two archers that hit
the bull's- eye can stay!
 
 
The rest of you gentlemen...
 
 
...can bugger off!
 
 
There he is!
 
 
The old man is Loxley!
 
 
Are you sure?
 
 
It looks like Mark Twain.
 
 
The old man may go first!
 
 
Well done...
 
 
...Robin of Loxley!
 
 
He's crazy! We gotta stop him!
 
 
Sorry, ladies,
this is the royal entrance.
 
 
You'll have to go around
the other way.
 
 
Look what you've done, you idiot!
 
 
Now he's even more of a hero
to the people.
 
 
Luca Pazzo still has a shot.
 
 
But he hit the very centre
of the bull's- eye!
 
 
Schmuck!
 
 
Wait and watch, sire.
 
 
He split Robin's arrow in twain!
 
 
Things are looking up.
 
 
Nice shot!
 
 
Robin's in trouble! Shove off!
 
 
I lost.
 
 
I lost?
 
 
I'm not supposed to lose.
Let me see the script.
 
 
Robin, time to fly.
 
 
Go back to Sherwood Forest!
 
 
Oh, good.
They've opened the salad bar.
 
 
Wait!
 
 
I get another shot!
 
 
He gets another shot!
 
 
Does Robin get another shot?
 
 
Yes, he does. He does.
 
 
Sires and ladies, silence! Listen!
 
 
Robin has another shot.
 
 
Let's give him the chop.
 
 
Quick! Eliminate him
before he shoots!
 
 
How did you do that?
 
 
I heard that coming a mile away.
 
 
- Very good, Blinkin. Well done.
- Pardon? Who's talking?
 
 
" Patriot arrow"?
 
 
Arrest him!
 
 
Move it! Move it! Out of the way!
 
 
Loxley is a traitor to the Crown!
 
 
Lt'll be so much fun
to watch you hang!
 
 
Wait!
 
 
What for?
 
 
If you let Robin live, I'll do the
most disgusting thing I can think of.
 
 
And what's that?
 
 
I shall marry you.
 
 
What?
 
 
You'll be mine? You'll give
yourself to me every night?
 
 
And sometimes right after lunch?
 
 
Yes.
 
 
But only my body.
 
 
You can never have my heart,
my mind, or my soul.
 
 
Oh, yes. I respect that.
 
 
Marian, my life's not worth it!
Just say nay!
 
 
Walk this way.
 
 
Send word to one and all
and all and one...
 
 
That's redundant, isn't it?
 
 
- What?
- Shut up!
 
 
Tell everybody that before the day
is out, we shall have a wedding...
 
 
...or a hanging.
 
 
Either way, we ought to
have a lot of fun.
 
 
We are grossly outnumbered.
 
 
So what can we do?
 
 
We gotta get the villagers.
 
 
- They're not ready to fight.
- Man, we are choiceless!
 
 
What's the fastest way
to reach the villagers?
 
 
Why don't we fox them?
 
 
- Fox them.
- Fox them.
 
 
Fox them!
 
 
Take this message to the village
as fast as you can.
 
 
Now pay attention. Have you got it?
 
 
Good.
 
 
Let's get out of this ladies'
clothing, get into our tights.
 
 
Come on, man. There you go.
 
 
Are you about...
 
 
...a - l ?
 
 
- There.
- It's a little tight.
 
 
That's the idea!
 
 
Would you care for a blindfold?
 
 
How about half a one?
 
 
Get it, sir?
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
Good morrow, abbot.
 
 
- Welcome, abbot.
- Good morrow.
 
 
- Hello, abbot.
- Good morrow.
 
 
Hey, Abbott!
 
 
I hate that guy.
 
 
She's beautiful!
 
 
Present swords!
 
 
What's going on?
 
 
Just in case you change
your mind, my dear.
 
 
I will conduct the opening prayer
in the new Latin.
 
 
"Oh, ordl-ay...
 
 
...iveusg-ay oury-ay essingsbl-ay.
 
 
Amen-ay."
 
 
We are gathered here today...
 
 
...to witness the marriage
of Mervyn, the Sheriff of...
 
 
Mervyn?
 
 
Your name is Mervyn?
 
 
Shut up! Shut up!
 
 
Continue with the service.
 
 
Do you...
 
 
...Sheriff of Rottingham...
 
 
...take Maid Marian
to be your lawful wedded wife?
 
 
To love and to hold
in sickness and in health...
 
 
...till death do you part?
- Yes, I do. Get on with it!
 
 
Marian, do you vow to do
all the stuff I just said to him?
 
 
Say, " I do"...
 
 
...or Robin dies.
 
 
I...
 
 
I...
 
 
...do...
 
 
...not!
 
 
- Who's the man? Who's the man?
- Go!
 
 
Arrest them! Seize them!
Stop them!
 
 
Hurt them! Hurt them!
 
 
Look! The villagers are coming!
 
 
I believe this belongs to you, sir.
 
 
You know what they say...
 
 
..." No noose is good noose."
 
 
Nice shooting.
 
 
To tell you the truth,
I was aiming for the hangman.
 
 
Fellas...
 
 
...we got company.
 
 
On the count of jump...!
Wait for it...
 
 
Charge!
 
 
Jump!
 
 
I shall have you, married or no!
 
 
The Sheriff,
he got your woman, man!
 
 
He's taking her to the tower!
 
 
He's gonna deflower her in the tower!
 
 
I'm sorry we don't have enough time
for romance, my dear.
 
 
Consider this foreplay!
 
 
A chastity belt?
 
 
That's going to chafe my willy.
 
 
I'll be back.
 
 
I hope she's still wearing
her iron underwear.
 
 
No matter what you do...
 
 
...I will never submit.
 
 
Prepare for the fight scene.
 
 
Forgive the interruption, my darling.
 
 
I'll dispatch your love...
 
 
...and then come back...
 
 
...and finish the job.
 
 
- En garde!
- Thanks for the warning.
 
 
Shocking!
 
 
Parry, parry.
 
 
Thrust, thrust.
 
 
Good!
 
 
Oh, sorry.
 
 
It is the key to the greatest
treasure in all the land!
 
 
This means you've always been my one
true love because it's the right size!
 
 
It's not the size that counts!
It's how you use it!
 
 
Thank you, my friend.
 
 
Oh, it's...
 
 
...not so bad.
 
 
I was wrong.
 
 
Oh, my dear, beloved
Sheriff of Rottingham!
 
 
You've been run through!
 
 
How do you feel?
 
 
I'm dying, you fool!
 
 
- You don't have to die!
- I don't?
 
 
I've got this magic pill...
 
 
...that could save your life.
 
 
And I'll give it to you...
 
 
...if you promise to marry me...
 
 
...and be mine forever!
 
 
Oh, all right!
 
 
How do you feel now?
 
 
Good, good.
 
 
Surprisingly good.
 
 
And yet, somehow...
 
 
...incredibly depressed.
 
 
I always wanted to marry a cop.
 
 
Wait! Wait!
 
 
I've changed my mind!
 
 
I love you, Robin of Loxley.
 
 
And I you, Marian of Bagelle.
 
 
Oh, my darling...
 
 
...at last.
 
 
Wait, wait!
You're not married yet!
 
 
Before you do it,
you must go through it!
 
 
Or else I blew it.
 
 
Hey, rabbi!
 
 
Who calls?
 
 
It is I, Robin.
We wish to get married...
 
 
...in a hurry.
 
 
" Married in a hurry"?
That's wonderful!
 
 
Wait, I'm on my last customer.
I'll be right out.
 
 
Put a little ice on it.
It'll be fine.
 
 
Married in a hurry!
Please invite me to the bris.
 
 
Now, are you ready?
 
 
Robin, do you?
 
 
I do.
 
 
- Marian, do you?
- I do.
 
 
I now pronounce you man and...
 
 
I object!
 
 
Who asked?
 
 
It's King Richard,
back from the Crusades!
 
 
Boy, now I'm in trouble.
 
 
You are no longer worthy to wear...
 
 
...this sacred symbol of authority.
 
 
Oh, please have mercy on me, brother.
 
 
It wasn't my fault.
 
 
I got bad advice from Rottingham.
 
 
Bullshit! Bullshit!
 
 
Brother, you have surrounded
your given name...
 
 
...with a foul stench!
 
 
From this day forth...
 
 
...all the toilets in this kingdom
shall be known as...
 
 
..."Johns."
 
 
Take him away!
 
 
Wait! Wait!
 
 
Put him in the Tower of London!
 
 
Make him part of the tour.
 
 
The news of your great deeds
has reached me even in Jerusalem.
 
 
England owes you and your men a great
debt of gratitude. Henceforth...
 
 
...your rights and lands
shall be returned...
 
 
...and you shall rule all Sherwood
from this day forth.
 
 
Kneel, Robin of Loxley.
 
 
And arise...
 
 
...Sir Robin of Loxley.
 
 
Thank you, sir.
 
 
Excuse me, king.
 
 
Why, if you like this guy so much, do
you object to his marriage to Marian?
 
 
I have no objections,
but I haven't yet kissed the bride.
 
 
It is a custom and my royal right.
 
 
Hold this, Father.
 
 
- Rabbi.
- Whatever.
 
 
It's good to be the king.
 
 
Now you may marry them.
 
 
Thank you. Here's your knife.
 
 
- Sword.
- Whatever.
 
 
Okay, where did we leave off?
Oh, that's right.
 
 
We're up to the best part.
Do you, Marian?
 
 
I do.
 
 
- Do you, Robin?
- I do.
 
 
I now pronounce you man and...
 
 
...wife!
 
 
We're going to have to
remodel the castle...
 
 
...to make room for all the babies.
 
 
For my first order of business,
I wish to appoint...
 
 
...a new sheriff of Rottingham.
 
 
My friend...
 
 
...Ahchoo.
 
 
All right!
 
 
A black sheriff?
 
 
He's black?
 
 
And why not?
 
 
It worked in Blazing Saddles.
 
 
That's good.
 
 
So that's the story
And it worked out good
 
 
Richard's on his throne
And Robin's back in the 'hood
 
 
So let's bid our friends a fine adieu
And hope we meet again in Robin Hood 
 
 
Rise...
 
 
...Sir Robin of Loxley.
 
 
Hey, Abbott!
 
 
I hate that guy!
 
 
Let's see now.
What are you, - l ?
 
 
Feygeles?
 
 
Welcome home...
 
 
...Mrs. Of Loxley.
 
 
Mrs. Of Loxley.
 
 
Oh, I'm so happy!
 
 
Oh, my dearest...
 
 
...shall I turn the key?
 
 
Oh, yes, darling!
 
 
But please...
 
 
...be gentle.
 
 
Darling?
 
 
What?
 
 
- You're not going to believe this.
- What?
 
 
- It won't open.
- What?
 
 
Wait! I have an idea!
 
 
Call a locksmith!
 
 
Call a locksmith!
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts