I Love Lisa/Quotes

:Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
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:Principal Skinner: Johnny?
:[scene resumes to the present]
:Principal Skinner: Johnny?!
:[scene pans to Ms. Krabappel's class]
:Principal Skinner: [on speaker] JOHNNY!!
:Bart: Cool! I broke his brain!
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:Ralph: You "Choo-Choo-Choose me"?
:Lisa: Happy Valentine's!
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:Moe: [reads his valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
:Barney: Yoo hoo!
:Moe: Oh God, no!
:[Barney blows a kiss and belches]
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:Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
:Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
:Guy: It doesn't look very clean.
:Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.
:[The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]
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:Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
:Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
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:Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!
:Chief Wiggum: [worried] They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
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:Ralph: [to Lisa] Uh...so...do you like...stuff?
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:Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
:Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
:Ralph: Miss Hoover, I don't have a red crayon.
:Miss Hoover: Why not?
:Ralph: I ate it. [kids laugh at him again]
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:Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
:Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my granddaughter!
:Grampa: Can I have the envelope?
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:Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
:Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
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:Miss Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
:Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
:Miss Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.
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:Principal Skinner: Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.
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:Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie-sauce!
:[shows video]
:Sideshow Mel: Everybody's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a ----.
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:[About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]
:Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
:Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
:Bart: Hey!
:Homer: You'll do as you're told!
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:Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not i
:Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
:Lisa: I get the idea.
:Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.
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:Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
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:Lisa (when Ralph shows up at the Simpson house) Just make up some excuse! (runs to hide)
:Homer: (answering the door) She's in the can. Go away.
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:Bart: Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
:Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
:Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
:Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
:Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
:Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
:Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
:Lisa: What if he...?
:Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
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:Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
:Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?
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:Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children.
:Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
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:(Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner stand before the Presidents Day Refreshments stand, with orange drinks costing 50 cents.)
:Principal Skinner: This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong.
:Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
:Principal Skinner: (sadly) Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. (pauses, then whispers) Well, go ahead. Water it down some more.
:Willie: I can't, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go! I cannot water no more!
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:Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
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:Bart: Hey, girls, check out this president! (pulling his pants down, revealing a butt with glasses and a big nose; as Richard Nixon) I am not a butt. (girls scream and hide behind Miss Hoover)
:Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
:Bart: (pulling his pants back up) I'll be good.
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:Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washingtonj
:
:(Kids as presidents scream and run away from Bart as John Wilkes Booth)
:Bart: You're next, Chester A. Arthur! [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!
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:Willie: I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig... But I'll cry now. (cries on Principal Skinner's shoulder)
:(Skinner pulls the lever that closes blasts Washington's bed up and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.)
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:Ralph: (reads Lisa's card) "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it! [laughs]
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:Krusty: What's your name, son?
:Ralph: Ralph. (Lisa quietly groans to herself in disappointment)
:Krusty: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
:Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
:Lisa: (angrily) NOOOOOOOOOO! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gave you this stupid valentine because nobody else would!
es:I Love Lisa/Frases