Once Upon a Time Machine/Episode transcript

This is the episode transcript for "Once Upon a Time Machine"
(Kevin, Duke, Link, Princess Lana, and Princess Zelda are preparing a picnic)
Kevin: This is a great idea! To just kick back and have a picnic. Thanks for inviting us, Princess Zelda.
Princess Zelda: You two are always welcomed on Hyrule, Captain N.
(buzzing can be heard from far away)
Link: Sounds like we have some uninvited guests... Boons!
Lana: Oh no, there goes our picnic!
Kevin: We're not gonna let a few bugs spoil our picnic, are we, Link?
Link: No way!
(Boons drop giant rocks on top of the heroes, but Kevin and Link easily destroy them. Two Boons are trying to steal the basket food with Duke trying to hold on to it)
Kevin: Eat zapper, bugface! (fires two shots at the Boons and goes over to catch the falling cake from the basket) Heh, piece of cake.
(a pig and a fox are hiding behind bushes)
Gruemon:: Doctor Gary, I found the power source we tracked to this world!
Gary: Goody goody, Count Gruemon, I'll prepare the time ship through energizing. (runs off)
(meanwhile, the Boons have taken another food basket, and Lana and Zelda are chasing them)
Lana: Hey! Come back here with our lunch! (throws some objects at the Boons but misses, and Zelda shoots an arrow from her bow but also misses. Link then gets his sword taken by a Boon)
Link: Hey! (chases after Boon) No buzzbag is gonna take my sword and get away with it. Ha! (kicks Boon by landing from above) Take that! (recovers sword)
Kevin: Not bad! But I can top it. Even without this! (takes off his belt with the Power Pad and Zapper and throws it back nearby, landing by Count Gruemon. Kevin swings from a vine and tries to kick the Boon from above like Link did but the Boon releases the basket, and Kevin ends up kicking that instead, falling) Uh, I guess I'm kind of rusty. (camera then switches to show Gruemon taking Kevin's belt and running away with it). Hey, that pig is stealing my Power Pad and Zapper!
Gruemon: We got it! Let's scram! (gets inside the time machine with Gary)
Gary: All systems are go-go. (the machine flies off into a large, warp hole)
Kevin: I'm going in after them!
Link: You're gonna need help. I'm going, too!
Kevin: Hey, I can take care of myself. But if you have nothing better to do, let's do it!
Zelda: Just be careful! We don't know where that warp ends up.
Lana: Zelda's right, I've gotten used in having your around.
(Link, Kevin and Duke jump into the warp hole and find themselves in an old town)
Kevin: Hey, cool! This looks just like the Old West from my world! Let's check out this joint. (they go into a bar that is full of animals in clothes and Kevin walks up to a bull) Say uh, partner, I know this sounds kind of weird, but have you seen any animals dressed in clothes?
Bull: (gets up angrily and grabs Kevin) You callin' me weird, human?
Pero: Easy, bull, he didn't mean nothing by that, did you, tenderfoot?
Kevin: Uh, no! Some of my best friends are animals, right, Duke?
Pero: Let's get back to business. Where's the map?
Bull: Nuh-uh. First you fork up the long greens. (a pitchfork lands on their table, thrown by a large, bodyguard-like cat and a smaller, skinny cat) 
Small Cat: Give it up, perrow. Your nine lives are numbered.
Pero: Oh yeah? Count this, pullcat! (throws boomerang at the big cat but misses)
Big Cat: (sticks tongue out) Nah nah, you missed!
Pero: I gotta work on that backhand. (runs off)
Big Cat: (swinging a rope around) Not so fast! Now it's my turn!
Pero: (opens a window to escape but the rope gets tied around him) Oh, please! You gotta help me! I'm at my rope's end!
Big Cat: (drags Pero back) Ha-ha, I got you good!
Kevin: Hey! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?
Small Cat: Why don't you mind your own business?
Kevin: I'm making this my business.
Small Cat: Then let's see a slap leather.
Kevin: Whoops, I forgot. No Zapper! (small cat begins to shoot slingshot bullets and Kevin runs away, tripping on top of a table) Sigh, somehow it's not the same without my Power Pad.
(a Wolf picks him up)
Wolf: Hey, you spilled my milk!
Link: (swings on a rope and grabs Kevin on the way) Going my way? 
(the two Cats are running away with Pero tied)
Pero: Hey, what about me?
Kevin: I always was a sucker for an underdog, or should I say, an "undercat"?
(Link and Kevin grab Pero and bust through a window, landing on a cart full of hay tied to a horse. The horse then begins to gallop away)
Kevin: Adios, amigo! (Duke runs behind them and jumps on the cart)
Small Cat: I hope the boss doesn't find out we let that dirt 'n cat get away. (Gruemon's time ship is then seen flying above the two cats)
(meanwhile, Link, Kevin, and Pero are traveling on horse through a deserted area)
Pero: Heh, that pig who stole your power-thingy sounds like Count Gruemon alright. The same swine who sent me back in time for saving a poor defenseless mouse from his hench cats.
Link: Isn't there someway you can get back home?
Pero: Yeah. With this! It's a Time Map, showing the warps to the different times in my video world.
Kevin: Awesome! I always wondered what it would be like to travel through time.
Pero: Then you'll get me get back home before Gruemon--?
Kevin: Whoa, partner! I'm just here to get my Power Pad. If Gruemon uses up all the energy, I could lose it for good!
Pero: But that's just it! I could be your bait to get it back! (an explosion occurs right in front of them)
Kevin: Ok, dude, but just get us out of here! (Gruemon's flying machine is seen above them, with the big and small cat hanging upside-down tied on ropes)
Big Cat: See, I told you it wasn't our fault, boss! Those humans helped the cat escape.
Gruemon: It's the one I stole the power source from. [?] Hit them again!
Gary: Yes, yes! Bombs away! (drops three bombs around the heroes)
Link: All this for saving a little mouse?
Pero: Well, that. And the fact that I love bacon burger.
(Kevin whips the horse to go faster as more bombs fall around them)
Pero: Head for those trees! There's a time warp inside! (they arrive to the time warp) There it is! (the four of them jump into the warp and find themselves on a Pirate Ship sailing the seas. Upon landing, they are confronted by the captain of the ship: a snake)
Captain: So...who do we have here? Speak up! Stoways walk the plank, and the pirate ship of Long John Slither.
Pero: We're just three lost souls in search of treasure on Skull Island.
Captain: (ties himself around Pero) Shiver me timbers! Did he say "treasure"?
(Gary and Gruemon are watching the heroes via a screen on their time ship)
Gary: He-he! My time scanner is tracking beautifully!
Gruemon: Then send us back in time! We've got a cat to catch! (they travel to the era where Pero is, and they dress up the big and small cat like pirates) If you fail this time, you're fish food! (drops the small and big cat into the pirate ship. They land inside two barrels)
Link: I thought we were looking for the next warp, not treasure!
Pero: Hey, one man's treasure, is another man's warp zone. Trust me.
Captain: Set sail for Skull Island!
(Small cat takes a soap from a nearby bucket, and the Captain then slithers by the barrel hiding the small cat)
Small Cat: Let's see if a little slip up does our dirty work for us. (slides the soap across the where the Captain is walking)
Captain: (slides across and crashes inside a cannon) Get me out of this cannon! (after getting out) Who's the slippery she-dog who made me slip?
A cat: (pointing to Link, Kevin and Pero) They did it on purpose, captain sir!
Captain: So! You mutineers will walk the plank for this! And I'll just keep your map for your trouble!
Pero: No trouble at all, Captain. (swings on a rope and takes the map from the captain)
Captain: After him, me mateys!
Pero: (takes a sword and begins climbing up a pole, then cuts the ropes to make the captain and his companions fall on the water)
Captain: Snake overboard!
Pero: Bye! Hit the sink and run!
Captain: Come back with my ship! You--you thieving pirate!
Link: (swings sword in front of the two cats who blamed them for the Captain's accident to discover that they were the big and small cat sent by Gruemon) Ah-hah! I knew I smelled a cat!
Kevin: (holding a mop) I'll mop the deck with ya. En guarde!
(the small cat cuts Kevin's rope)
Kevin: Hehe, could you cut me some slack? I'm not exactly in top form today. Time for a power move! (jumps to dodge the small cat's attack but lands on a rope and trips)
Small Cat: He-he, you call that a power a move?
Link: (clashes swords with the small cat) No, I call this a power move.
Kevin: Man, if I don't get my Power Pad, this could be the end of Captain N! (Duke brings a cannonball to Kevin) This is no time for fetch, Duke! But it is for bowling! (hits several barrels with the cannonball, and the barrels go rolling in the direction of the two cats and Link) Link, clear the deck!
(Link jumps out the way and the barrels hit the two cats, sending them overboard)
Gruemon: Ugh, those bumbling cats! Do I have to do everything myself? Ready the torpedo!
Gary: Yes! Yes! Ready, ready!
Gruemon: Then send that pesky cat and his humans to the bottom of the sea! Fire!
(with their time ship unerwater now, they fire the torpedos at Kevin's ship)
Small Cat: That is why I hate torpedoes. (the two cats grab onto the torpedoes)
Kevin: All men abandon ship! (the torpedoes strike the ship and destroy it, but Link, Kevin and Pero manage to land on top of a large piece of wood)
Gruemon: Rats! They're still afloat! One more torpedo should do the trick! Up to it! (as they are about to fire the next torpedo, a giant mechanical rabbit gets in their way, and Gruemon's ship swims away)
(meanwhile, a wave manages to send Link, Kevin and Pero to Skull Island)
Pero: Hurry! We gotta get to the time warp before Gruemon shows up!
Kevin: But that's what we want him to do. To get my Power Pad, remember?
Pero: We'll get it, we'll get it! Trust me. (Link and Pero jump into the time warp and they end up in the inside of a giant clock)
Kevin: What video time is this? It looks like the inside of a--
Pero: A clock! (the group exits the clock and find themselves in London)
Kevin: Whew! My first trip to London and I almost get eaten by Big Ben!
Pero: Next up, the white cliffs of Dover.
Kevin: Are you kidding? Even on this world, that must be miles from here!
Link: So now what?
Pero: Elementary, my dear Link. We fly! (approaches two soldiers, who are actually the two cats dressed up) Top of the day to you, gents. Which way to the nearest airport? (the two cats point to a direction and Pero leaves)
Big Cat: The scanner was right, Boss. They're here and they're headed for the airport.
(Link, Pero and Kevin take off on an airplane)
Pero: Yahoo! [?] the wild blue yonder?
(Gruemon's time ship appears next to them)
Link: I think it's about to get wilder.
Kevin: Fly in behind him!
Pero: But--
Kevin: No buts! Time is running out and so is my Power Pad!
(they fly beneath the Gruemon's machine, and the two cats try to drop a bomb on top of them, but the heroes manage to bounce it back, exploding on the cats' faces. Kevin then grabs onto Gruemon's flying machine, but he moves it to try and shake Kevin off. He eventually falls but lands on the airplane again next to Duke.)
Link: Nice try, you almost made it!
Kevin: "Almost" doesn't count in video games...
Pero: (approaching another time warp) This is gonna be tricky. We'll have to go in sideways!
Gruemon: I've fooled around with these fools long enough! Fire the [?]
Gary: Oh! I thought you'd never ask! (they fire another missile)
Link: Heads up, we're under attack! (the group eventually gets hit by the missile)
Gruemon: Victory at last! Let's hit the big town and celebrate!
Pero: I'm losing control! We're not gonna make the turn in time! (they manage to make it through the time warp and end up in another city)
Kevin: Wow! This looks like some pictures I saw of 1920 New York! It even got a--an Empire State Building! (the airplane crashes through one of the building's windows and comes out again) Boy, it's a real jungle back there.
Link: Do you know where you're going, Pero?
Pero: Ms. Liberty's Torch! The map says that's where I'll find my time warp home!
Kevin: And Gruemon's time ship is parked right on her crown! Good work, Pero!
Gruemon: A toast! To the demise of that meddling mouse-loving cat! (Kevin's ship crashes into their room)
Kevin: Hiya, fellas! Hate to crash your party, but--(graps a rope) C'mon! We gotta get to your time warp and my Power Pad!
Gruemon: We can't let them get to the time ship!
Gary: Don't worry, my pet sea snake is hungry for supper! (a giant sea snake comes out of the water and begins to wrap itself around the Liberty statue)
Pero: Cook out the catnip, mom. I'll be home for supper!
(the giant sea snake comes out from behind, and although Link tries to zap it away, it has no effect on the monster)
Link: My Hyrule weapon isn't doing much good! [?] I'll try to hold him off!
Pero: Home, sweet home here I come! (ties a rope to the ledge where the time warp is)
Gruemon: You're not going anywhere, my fine feline friend! Seal the time warm up, doctor! (Gary destroys the time warp)
Pero: The time ship is my only home ticket now! (Link is still shooting zaps at the eel, but he is pushed away by Pero as he runs to the inside of the time ship and begins to take off)
Kevin: Pero, you double-crossing cat! You were all for yourself all along!
Pero: Sorry, Captain N, but I got a date with destiny! (flies off)
Kevin: Power Pad or no Power Pad, I'm not letting that sea snake snack on my pals! (takes the rope that Pero had tied and swings to the liberty's torch and gets on top of the sea snake)
Pero: I guess I'll never learn. First I save a mouse, then these guys. (gets the Power Pad and throws it to Kevin) Look for a yellow diamond on its back. That's the only spot where it's vulnerable!
Kevin: (waves and shoots the diamond with his Zapper, defeating the sea snake. He then watches as Pero and the time ship disappear) He'll find a way home somehow.
Link: But he forgot to show us how to get home to Hyrule! (part of Pero's time map lands on Kevin's hands)
(meanwhile, Pero crashes into a palm in a desert)
Pero: If I hurry, I can get to King Arthur's court by morning, then it's a hop skip and a warp to the ice age, then--(keeps running off)
Gruemon: Ah, I'll get you yet, Pero the cat!
(back in Hyrule)
Lana: Ah, thanks for answering our call, fellas!
Pit: Have Captain N and Link really been gone all day, your Highness?
Zelda: Yes, now's time to send in the troops. The warp is right through these trees.
Simon: No fear, your loveliness-es! Simon Belmont's already picked up the trail!
(Game Boy scans the foot steps)
Game Boy: Warning! Warning! Data search reveals footsteps belong to--
(Simon bumps into a Moblin)
Simon: A Moblin! (the Moblin catches Simon)
Kevin: Yo, dogface! How about a little one-on-one? (rushes to the Moblin while bouncing a fruit, then hits the monster with it, making it fall) Yes! Slam dunk'd him!
Simon: Thanks, but why not use your zapper? It would have been faster and less irritating. 
Kevin: From now on, I'm keeping my options open.
==See Also==
*"Quest for the Potion of Power" episode transcript
*"Having a Ball" episode transcript
Category:Episode Transcripts