Balasar's Journal

=== Entry #1 - Isolation ===
I feel alone...and I feel scared. That informant...Her face...Forever in my life, despite not knowing her much, will always scar my mind. It's funny. At first, I broke my ties to the staff, something I know I have cherished for so long and I thought that my head has been cleared. Turns out, it's more consumed than it was when I felt for the staff. I need to get this off my chest because I don't even know if Mystic Obscura can look me in the eye after what my body did to that informant. And to be truthful, I do not blame them. It was my body that did killed her. It may not have been my mind but if it wasn’t for me, that informant at the Arcane University would still be alive. Not even Max could revivify her…Maybe it was for the best though. She wasn’t the type to be amused to begin with and I would’ve hazarded a guess that we’d have to deal with the guards AND Lusk with Valheria. But still, all due to a stupid staff. If I didn’t value it as if it was the second-best thing in my life aside from Adrie and got so defensive about it, I wouldn’t be scared…That’s the thing. This is all my fault. I am the one who has banished the team from Lusken, I am the one who has written his own fate by getting drawn to a stupid staff in the first place. It’s my fault that a life has been taken.  The group are aware that it wasn't me. But there is worry, questioning, fear...I can see what they're thinking. There may be something else to this stubborn Dragonborn. They wouldn't be wrong. But not in the way they're thinking. I fear my actions in the tower could be echoed elsewhere.
Lusk gave us information regarding Skinner, someone who he laughs about. He allows us an opportunity for us to find him and he offers that no attacks on him drops this bounty from our heads. Do I trust what that son of a bitch says about releasing the death notice above Mystic Obscrua's heads? In my life, you learn never to trust a dragon. I don't trust any dragon. My group needs to understand that it was difficult to side with a dragon, like it would be for Arannis to side with a Drow. But how could I stand a chance against a dragon? Even that stupid Dragonborn managed to topple me before we got the last laugh. I trusted Mystic Obscura's judgement. Not his word.  I just can't be civil against dragons. Fuck him and his kind. Besides, it's not him I would be worried about the most. 
Of course…I’ve gained a new internal ally. It hurts actually trying to make light of the situation. A lich…I have a lich inside me. And that is something I may have to keep to the group. Elly said secrets are no longer a thing. But with the current reception of Mystic Obscura and the fact that a Lich is inside me, I don’t know how they would take it. I am currently upset, my mind constantly thinks about the fact I have been infected in such a ghastly way. That stressing issue allowed me to neglect my Mage Armour when it could’ve been vital against the Dragonborn. I also don’t want Adrie to worry about me for now as her life is statistically and honestly more attentive than my situation with the Lich. I am not letting Five months pass where she gets consumed. Besides, I have to put on a clear head. Eloithe got killed. And I beg for a solution to have her return, like Adrie did. But the mist that took her body was the same mist that kidnapped Arannis, which all leads back to Strahd von Zarovich. I am not sure if they want to consider it at this point but I think for this moment, both Arannis and Elly will neglect the idea of concern against me and shift that to the man who is more than dread. I’ll consider them. But thinking back to feeling alone. I am not alone. Though Mystic Obscura may not be pleasant with my company this time, there was one person who I know I can confide in. And on that moment, I shall.