Vampire Weekend (Transcript)

[Birds chirping] [Whirring] [Sips] [Ominous music playing] Oh, sh1t. A solar eclipse. You know what this means. [Screeching] Vampire weekend! [Hip-hop music playing] ♪ All the big-booty girls in the club ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ All the big-booty girls in the club ♪ Penny, Penny, come on, hurry up! I wanna get down to the safehouse before the whole island is overrun with these crazy goddamn vampires! Dad, I told you... I'm staying here. [Elevator dings] Fine! [bleep] it! Just... do whatever you want! You know the rule: Do not invite any vampires into the house. [Elevator dings] [Spraying] Ugh! Don't tell me you're leaving, too. You're just like my dad. This time your daddy might be right. I've never met a vampire I didn't want to kill. Hey, are you guys open? Until now. Come this way, vampire ladies. Hey, everybody! Party at the Dance Hallogram! [Chattering] [Door closes] [Muffled music playing] [Sighs] Sorry about my friends. They're just excited about being out for an entire weekend. It's okay to be happy. I guess. I'm Ryland. I'm Penny. Hey, I'm gonna go walk around or something. Maybe I'll catch you later. General Rubbish. Yes, President Whitewall, my lord? Every goddamn solar eclipse, the surface is overrun with these teenage vampires. They make so much goddamn noise, I have to ride this elevator to the center of the Earth just to get some peace and quiet. [Dings] Welcome back, sir. Okay, remind not to talk to you again, Chatty Cathy. Rubbish, listen, you're the violent one. I want these vampires out of my life... for good! Handle it. I know exactly who to call. [Laughs maniacally] [Ringing] Yes? I would be delighted to. Tonight we hunt... vampires! [All laughing] [Hip-hop music playing] Hey, man, Blkmrkt's in the building! I got drinks on deck. Let's keep this party going all weekend, baby. [Laughs] Awesome. Hey, Penny, you wanna dance? That is a great idea, Blkmrkt. Tracy, let's dance! I'm already dancing, bitch! [Feedback] Hey. Someone told me something crazy today. They said it's okay to be happy... sometimes... I guess. This next one's for her. [Rock music playing] ♪ Ooh, lord, have mercy ♪ ♪ I'm begging you, please ♪ ♪ I'm feeling drained, I need love ♪ ♪ You charge me up like electricity ♪ ♪ Jumpstart my heart with your love ♪ ♪ There's an energy when you hold me ♪ ♪ When you touch me, it's so powerful ♪ ♪ I can feel it when you hold me ♪ ♪ When you touch me it's so powerful ♪ [Both moaning] Penny. Are you worried we're moving too fast? No. I'm... scared you're going to bite me. I would never bite you. I would never bite anybody. I may be a vampire, but I'm also a vegan. Pssh! You wouldn't understand. I had no idea. No one does. People think they know everything about us because we're vampires. But we're different. We have feelings. Really? Like what? Like love. ♪ Ooh, lord, have mercy ♪ ♪ I'm begging you, please ♪ ♪ I'm feeling drained, I need love ♪ ♪ You charge me up like electricity ♪ ♪ Jumpstart my heart with your love ♪
Can I come inside? Yeah. You can come wherever you want. ♪ There's an energy when you hold me ♪ ♪ When you touch me, it's so powerful ♪ [Snarls] ♪ I can feel it when you hold me ♪ ♪ When you touch me it's so powerful ♪ [Screaming] ♪ There's an energy when you hold me ♪ ♪ When you touch me, it's so powerful ♪ ♪ I can feel it when you hold me ♪ [Hisses] [Screams] ♪ When you touch me ♪ Oh my god! ♪ It's so powerful ♪ [Sighs] That was awesome... I guess. I'm gonna go get some air. Hey, you think we should head back to the party? My band's probably looking for me. Penny? What's wrong? Oh no. My band... it's dead. What? I thought vampires couldn't die. There's only on thing that can kill a vampire. What's that? A vampire vampire. What's a vampire vampire? The vampires and the vampire vampires have been at war since the beginning of vampire time. We rebelled against their archaic ways dated ideals and their poor taste in fashion. And they have never forgiven us. They hate us because we're young and they're old. To end this feud once and for all, we need to get to Transylvania and kill their leader... my dad. So how do we kill your dad? Lazers. Booyaka. Major Lazer. [Echoes] [Thunder crashing] [Organ music playing] [Clicks] [Door creaks] [Lazer fires] [Ominous music playing] Where the hell is he? Father: Right behind you. [Screams] [Hisses] Dad! You can't bite her! I'm not going to. You are... my son. [Crackling] [Screams] Why are you doing this? Ryland, you are a disgrace. Where's your tuxedo? Where's your cape? Our people have traditions. [Grunting] We have history, and your generation threw that all away! Everyone has a right to live their own life! We will see about that. [Yells] Now bite her and embrace the true vampire vampire inside you. [Groaning] Bite her! Bite her! [Yells] Father: Bite her! No! Ryland! He bit himself! What have I done? No! I just wanted him to be like me. [Grunts] [Lazer fires] But times change, granpire. Either go with the flow or clear out the way. [Yells] Your lazers may have worked against my minions, but there is only one thing that can kill me! I know. Nooo! [Groaning] [Sobbing] Ryland! Don't leave me. I'll never leave you, Penny. Every time you look in the mirror and you don't see me... I'm there. [Coughs, moans] [Rock music playing] [Sobs] [Dings] God, I hate that [bleep] bunker. Total freak show. At least I wasn't up here. Hey, Penny, how was your weekend? I fell in love, and then my boyfriend died, and now I'll never love again! [Sighs] I hate vampire weekend.