The Great Master Debate

The Great Master Debate was a cataclysmic conflict waged between the mortal world of Earf and the terrible might of the Cum Empire hailing from the faraway galaxy of Prime Jizz. A realm more filthy than the inside of the President's* underwear after meeting with the Pope. The war saw the destruction of several star systems as well as the total decimation of the Cum Empire.
== It Begins ==
Under orders from Gay Robot, the marines stationed at Ram Ranch began construction of an observatory. The operation was supervised by Big Mantis and Cobra. The purpose of this project was unknown but Cobra theorized it had much to do with finding the whereabouts of the lost third brother. Many nights were spent staring at empty star systems and listening to hours of white noise in hopes of digging up a signal. As the nights went by, more and more hot, sweaty marines started reporting strange dreams. Nightmares of being covered in semen. A strange man with a head of stone was seen looming over them. Even Gay Robot himself suffered from the homoerotic night terror.
In that dream, the stone-headed man whispered to him. He hinted at an ancient prophecy. One that declared all mortal realms become subservient to the Ethereal Autists. Natives of Outer -tism. Gaybo woke up in a cold, cum-drenched sweat. He knew the dream was real. The next day, he set out to gleam a means of saving the world from this wave of uber gayness.
=== Unearthing a Legend ===
Gay Robot's travels took him to the frigid mountains of Florida. There he met with a retarded oracle who, after a quickie, gave Gay Robot the dark secrets needed to save the realm. He explained that once every eon when the gay pheromones becum too noticable, the Cum Lords of Prime Jizz will set their sights on the mortal plains. The oracle spoke of the unstoppable might and breeding prowess of the Ethereal Autists and the sea of cum that was to flood the lands and bring about a new era of queer acceptance. Fearing this tyranny, Gay Robot begged the old man for a solution.
The shaman mentioned a counter to the prophecy. The Older Scrolls mention a mortal hero known as the Nevereverar or the Mooner Star. A man born from an unknown father with a level of -tism that far surpasses even the most unwashed of weebs. For his autism registers on no spectrum. A reincarnated gamer with the blood of a Cum Lord that gives him an absurd power level. A man born with the sole purpose of thwarting the Cum Lords. Gay Robot asked who this man was but the oracle merely replied with, "You shall know him when you see him, young gay one."
With no idea on where to start searching, Gaybo decided to ask the locals. He dodged alligators and a myriad of invasive species to reach the manor of a powerful, illiterate nobleman. Gaybo stumbled upon the noble whilst he was in the process of confusing #podcast with #botpack for the third time that week. He asked if Vice knew anything about the Mooner Star Prophecy. To which Vice eloquently replied, "I'm not gay." Gaybo had his doubts about that. An altercation ensued and ended with Vice being mounted and forced to talk lest he be bred like a broken whore. Between pants and moans, Vice screamed the phrase, "Let's go, Brandon." With that, Gaybo set out in search of the man with this extremely rare name.
Before Gaybo had a chance to leave, Vice came crawling after him. Much like a white woman. He asked if Gaybo wished to join him on his journey across space and time to obtain the Heart of Darkness. To which Gaybo declared, "Nah, I'm good." Vice was understandably upset as he secretly liked having his body ravaged and it had become clear that he would have to look elsewhere to see his dark fetishes sated.
=== Nevereverar Rising ===
The Cum Empire was closing in. The Andromeda Galaxy surrendered faster than France after the krauts crossed the Rhine. Gaybo traveled to the depths of the swamp where he met with a troll twice his size and quadruple his weight. The beast living in a hut crafted of mud and fecal matter. Gaybo did not show fear. For he already intimately knew the troll. Brandon's mom. After a particularly rough night of steamy sex, Brandon's mom allowed Gaybo in to the basement. It was there where he encountered the most autistic man he had ever known, Sir Brandon of the Swamp.
His room was a mess. The floor was littered with sealed jars containing Knuckles figurines and a suspicious, white substance. The sea of jars was sparsely populated with plastic bottles filled with piss and used tissues. Grime and mold festered in every crevice. The air was thick with musk. He found Brandon sitting on a random Discord call, unironically debating that Shadow the Hedgehog was actually a masterpiece. Gay knew right then and there that he had his man. For there could be no stronger autist. Gaybo tried to get Brandon's attention for three hours before the future hero finally turned around.
Gay Robot informed Brandon of the encroaching homosexual war machine. The dark news seemed to go in one ear and out the other as Brandon proceeded to start talking about some Hunter times Hunter anime for five fucking goddamn hours. Gaybo, finally having enough, put a sack over his head and returned to Ram Ranch.
Many attempts were made to train the Mooner Star. Gaybo tried to teach him how to play Dwarf Fortress or how to argue with leftoid echo chambers on Twitter and win. Nothing work. The Mooner Star lacked the needed discipline to hone his powers. Out of desperation, Big Mantis suggested they send him to one of their contacts in Brazil. The mere thought was inhumane but Gaybo saw no other way. Calls were made and a deal with the devil was struck. Knowing that not even Brandon would go to Brazil willingly, they drugged him, boxed him up, and sent him to a dead drop where he was received by the most brutal private trainer and BDSM enthusiast known to man. An absolute bear of a man who went by only one alias. "The Artist."
Brandon was locked away in a humid dungeon dripping with AIDs and unknown fluids for 30 days and 30 nights. Unspeakable rituals were undertaken. Every toy known to man and even some that are not were employed to discipline Brandon. The cracking of whips, pained shrieks, and distinct sound of dislocating shoulders could be heard all across the jungle. When Gaybo arrived to pick the Mooner Star up, he found the young man bruised and covered in scars and various fluids. The effort proved worthwhile as he was a changed man. He was submissive and obedient. His autism had been mastered and not a moment too soon.
The stone-faced man appeared as a hologram from a gathering haze of gaseous jizz. The foul villain revealed himself to be Moai Ur. Cum Lord α and supreme ruler of the Cum Empire. He revealed a dark future for humanity. For if the Neverever fails, Moai Ur's plot to turn Earf into a gay breeding farm would be fully realized and humanity would never be free again. After taunting the freshly trained hero, Moai Ur disappeared into the abyss. His fading voice blurted out a challenge to the Nevereverar. They were to engage in a verbal dual on Easter Island. The topic was whether or not George Lopez is actually funny. Were our hero to lose, all of humanity would never know freedom again. The Mooner Star was confident with his newfound mastery and agreed to the terms.
Before he and Gaybo departed for the island, The Artist pulled the Nevereverar to the side and told him a closely guarded secret. That he was actually Brandon's father. He also informed his pupil that he should get tested for HIV as soon as possible. For the first time, Brandon got to meet his Asian, leather-clad father. After a long overdue family reunion, the two heroes departed from Brazil.
=== A Meeting of the Minds ===
The time had cum for the Mooner Star to face his destiny. He arrived at the island where Moai Ur was already waiting for him. During the long flight, the Nevereverar's fingernails grew to a sharpened point. They were able to slice clean through a man's foreskin. He, however, would never use this ability cause he was too busy arguing over George Lopez.
Five days. Five long days did the battle of halfwits last. Shitty take after shitty take was thrown across a field of stone heads. All the while, the Mooner Star wondered why these stone heads were placed here and why they so closely resembled the head of Moai Ur.
Phallic-shaped space ships hovered over the seas, ready to glass Earf at a moment's notice. The weight of a dying world was resting in the greasy hands of one autist and his opinions about George Lopez. It became clear to the spectators who came to marvel at this debate that it was no battle of arguments, for they were both retarded as shit. The point was not to win but to endure. For whoever stopped talking first would be declared the loser as that would have meant their -tism reserves had run out. Over those grueling five days, the wind being released by the Mooner Star's lungs eroded Moai Ur's head. The dreaded Cum Lord began to sink into the ground until only his stone head was visible.
On the eve of day five, Moai Ur fell silent. The battle was declared over. Without their gay leader, the Cum Empire was forced to retreat out of mortal space entirely. Humanity was once again saved by the ancient prophecy or some stupid shit, I dunno.
=== Aftermath ===
Gaybo found Brandon hours after the armada fled human space. There he was, sitting in the grass, ignoring the hot sun. The victorious autist was still arguing over George Lopez. Gaybo tried to congratulate him but was ignored. Gay Robot went on to explain that the myriad of heads was what remained of past battles. That each time a Nevereverar and Cum Lord ascended to their respective roles in the Mooner Star Prophecy, they would inevitably do battle on this cursed island and the loser was to forever be frozen in time for future generations to see.
Once again, Gaybo was ignored. Long after the fight was over, Brandon kept arguing with that stupid rock. Gaybo tried to snap him out of it. To drag him from the battlefield but all hope was lost. For he was no longer Brandon. He was the Nevereverar. The ultimate autist.
He was Cum Lord β.
=== Where are they Now ===
They're all fucking dead. Can I stop writing this shitty article now?