B Negative/Transcript

This is the transcript for B Negative, which aired on February 25, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Did I ever tell you about my high school crush? Donna Johnson she dumped you at the prom.
After you caught her making out with Scott Sanderson.
And years later, he came to you with an impacted molar.
And you "ran out" of Novocaine.
You could've just said yes.
But did I ever tell you what I told him after the surgery? "I bet you wish you had Donna Johnson's tongue in your mouth to make your tooth feel better.
" Okay, I guess I did.
Hello? Yes, this is he.
Sure, patient I.
D.
number 47324.
Are you serious? Of course I can, yes.
No, thank you! I'm getting my kidney.
- What? - No way! Son of a bitch! Sor I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I'm so happy for you, you son of a bitch.
So the donor list really came through? Yeah, it's happening tomorrow.
I'm getting a kidney.
I'm getting a kidney.
Me, a kidney.
It just happened and you've already told the story three times.
What I think Samantha means to say is that we're all really happy for you, Jerry.
I've never actually seen someone get the call.
It's I might actually tear up.
Hold it together, Gideon, you can Oh.
It passed.
Congratulations, Jerry, this kidney couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.
Young ambitious woman with her whole life ahead of her? But, yeah, sure, okay.
I'd also like to take a moment to honor the man whose untimely death led me to getting this kidney.
And thank him for checking that box on his license.
And thank him for having his license suspended, so he had to bike to work next to a canyon.
I can't believe I'm gonna be able to go anywhere I want, eat and drink whatever I want, and actually make plans for the future.
Hmm, such as? One word.
Tinder.
Ooh, when you're ready to take your profile pic, I know a guy with a tiger.
Wait, is his name Randall? Yeah, I used to date him.
So did I.
As soon as I get my kidney, I'm gonna cash in on my fame and start a whole new career.
Salad dressing.
Eli Russell's Creamy Vinaigrette.
Turn your salad bowl into a Super Bowl.
Wow.
I am not in.
When I get out of dialysis, I'm gonna use all that extra time to undermine my colleagues and make partner.
Wouldn't you rather just enjoy life? Uh I-I believe that's what I said.
Drew, what are you gonna do? Uh, well, I've always wanted to take my daughter - on her dream trip to Iceland.
- Mm.
It'd be amazing.
I didn't know you wanted to do that.
Yeah, well, I just figured if I said it out loud, I would jinx it.
- Mm-hmm.
- So consider it jinxed.
Oh, please.
If you want something, put it out in the universe.
It's science.
You really should be thinking about what's next.
You and Gina.
You know, your surgery's gonna be here before you know it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should start planning for after the transplant.
I'll tell you what.
When this is done, I will go home and I will apply for my TSA pre-check.
- Ooh.
- Your kidney is completely wasted on him.
You do know that, right? You guys are so lucky.
You have this big life-changing event, and it's like you get a do-over.
You can do anything.
Well, you're giving Drew your kidney.
That's a life-changing event.
You're allowed a new chapter, too.
Reach for the stars.
You know, I am getting tired of driving around old people in a van.
Oh, crap.
I left them waiting outside in the van.
Welcome to our first pie-baking class.
And just so you know, the joint-rolling class is still awaiting approval.
Mr.
Knudsen, I didn't know you liked to cook.
Well, it shows the ladies I have a sensitive side.
Okay, first, you're gonna pour the blueberries into your mixing bowl, along with your sugar and your cornstarch.
Then you're gonna add your lemon juice and a scootch of cinnamon.
A scootch? What the hell is a scootch? It's a smidge plus a pinch.
Now, why don't you show the ladies you have a quiet side? And mix it all together while your partner rolls out the pie crust.
- Okay, so back to last night.
- Oh, right.
Okay.
So Drew kept talking about what he's gonna do after his transplant.
And it got me thinking, what am I gonna do after the kidney transplant? That's easy.
We'll drink until you need a liver transplant.
Once you save a guy's life, you kind of want to do more with your own.
What more do you have to do? You're doing very important work here.
Oh, I love the people here, but this is the kind of job you get after you're fired from a car wash.
I wasn't fired.
It was mutual.
I just feel like I have more to offer.
I've been waiting for something amazing to happen to me, and maybe I need to stop waiting and do it myself.
Well, I'm sorry you think we're holding you back.
Look at this.
We're keeping her from being an astronaut.
They don't let ladies be astronauts.
Well, maybe not an astronaut, but I'd love to see the world.
Maybe there's something with that.
Ooh, you could be a travel writer.
Yeah.
Oh, I'd get paid to travel to foreign countries, and I wouldn't even have to swallow a balloon filled with anything.
Seriously? We're going to Iceland?! That's, like, my dream.
I know.
- Northern lights, Blue Lagoon.
- And their national dish is rotted shark meat.
Yes, it is.
And hopefully, we can find a place that serves it that's near a McDonald's.
So, how are we doing this? You know, with your kidney? Well, we can't go just yet, but we can still plan for it.
We can even put a deposit down.
This is weirdly spontaneous for you.
Did your doctor give you new drugs? No, honey.
I'm just excited.
I mean, Game of Thrones was filmed there.
We can pretend we're White Walkers.
Winter is coming.
King of the north! I got to go call Charlotte.
Her parents are taking her to Hawaii.
Lame.
Yeah.
Come on, Charlotte.
Hawaii? Please.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You got a second? I need some help with my rÃ©sumÃ©.
Did you get fired because you left those seniors in the van? No.
Half of them didn't remember, and the rest thought we were stopped at a very long light.
I'm just getting this ready for when I start my new journey.
Oh, you're really taking this thing seriously.
Yeah, I don't know what I want to do after the transplant, but I want to hit the ground running, so would you mind taking a look? Yeah, sure.
Seven years of pharmaceutical sales? Selling weed.
And I see you've also been a mechanical engineer? That beer distiller in your garage was made from a bunch of stuff I found around your house, so I totally MacGyver'ed that bitch.
Well, I got to say, I'm impressed.
Not with this clearly fabricated rÃ©sumÃ©, but the fact that you are thinking about this.
I mean, the Gina I met six months ago was selling fake IDs to kids.
No, I was "mentoring troubled youths on their transition to adulthood.
" Yeah? Carol Schurmer made the best blueberry pie.
I told her that she couldn't eat it because she has diabetes.
Carol Schurmer has diabetes? No, but she is very trusting.
Nice.
I have a little something for you.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, if you want to chase your dreams, I think it behooves me to write you a letter of recommendation.
Thank you.
That is so sweet.
Perhaps I should read it to you, make sure it sounds all right? - I would love to, but I have to go - "To whom it may concern " Okay, I've got a minute.
"Gina Dabrowski is a wonderful young woman who would be an asset to your organization.
" - Aw.
- You're interrupting my flow.
"Over the past two years at Valley Hills Assisted Living, "I've come to think of us as mother and daughter.
"Which has been a godsend because my own daughter never visits.
"Apparently, being a dog mom takes up too much of her time.
"As you get older and your world gets smaller, "it's wonderful to know there are people you can count on.
"But I guess even those people move on someday, "because they want a better job.
And you didn't really mean as much to them as you thought.
" - Really? - "But I suppose a bigger paycheck is more valuable than cherished moments with a person you thought you had a deep connection with.
" I'm starting to think this letter is not real.
"But who am I to judge? "Just the lonely old woman she's leaving behind to die alone in her loneliness.
" Okay, Norma, I get the gist.
The next part's hard to read because of the tear stains.
- Drew? - Hey.
The other guy's not here yet? Oh, okay.
Well, uh, the nurses asked me to bring in these flowers.
They're from your ex-wife.
Yeah, I'm allergic, and she knows it.
So, did it happen? Is it over? Yeah, sure is.
Even got the scar to prove it.
Now you get to tell all those Tinder dates that you got slashed by the tiger in your profile picture.
I like that.
I also like this morphine.
Thanks for being here.
I really appreciate what you guys have done.
Of course.
We got to support each other.
We're all in the same boat.
Yeah, I got to say, before this, I was afraid to even think about the future, but now I'm excited for what comes next.
You've inspired me, Jerry.
Thank you.
Boy, you are really going to town on that morphine button.
Daddy like.
Mr.
Platt, good, you're awake.
H-How'd it go? Are you family? No, no, I can wait outside.
Uh, stay.
Uh, you can talk in front of him.
The surgery went fine, but your latest creatinine levels are trending up.
What? They're supposed to go down after the surgery.
I'm sure it's nothing.
Yes, they're supposed to go down.
We're looking into it.
I'm ordering a stat renal ultrasound.
The nurse will be right in to prep you.
Oh, God.
Don't worry, it's going to be okay.
Yeah.
I-19! Best you've ever seen! Bingo! Uh, that was the first number, Mr.
Knudsen.
I'm just trying to get into people's heads.
- You know I'm upset with you.
- Me? Yeah, what you did to me was really crappy.
- What did I do? - You know what you did.
B-7! On your way to heaven.
Sorry, probably a little close to home there.
You wrote that letter to make me feel guilty.
Guilty? It took me all day long to write that letter, and with my arthritis.
I'm trying to better myself and give my life some meaning.
You really think I want to spend the rest of my life here? I am.
Oh, great, more guilt.
You are unbelievable.
G-55! Better hope you're still alive.
See, I made it better.
You know what? You say that you love me, but why would you try to hold me back? I'm sorry, I didn't know that caring for you was holding you back.
Ugh, if you guilt-trip your daughter like this, I'm not surprised she never visits.
I don't have to sit here and take this.
N-44! Norma's walking out the door.
And that's why you get into their heads early.
Where's Jerry? Why won't they tell us anything? Do you always crunch that loudly, or just when you're trying to wake up coma patents? I'm sorry, I'm stress-eating.
I just can't be my usual chill self right now.
Yes, Samantha, I would totally describe you as "chill.
" You know what, Drew? Keep talking, you'll be glad we're already in a hospital.
I'm sorry.
- I'm just on edge.
- I know.
Me, too.
What? I bought Jerry some scratchers for after the surgery.
I'll let him scratch the rest.
Yes, two bucks.
What's the, what's the word? Not good.
Jerry's going to be okay, but his body rejected the kidney.
- What? - Oh, God.
Well, hang on, can't they give him some medication or something? It was an acute rejection.
The donor kidney isn't viable.
I can't believe it.
Man, he waited for seven years.
- They can't fix this? - There's nothing they can do.
He has to go back on dialysis and back on the donor list.
Son of a bitch.
The guy got his hopes up, thought he got his life back, and now it's just taken away from him? I don't know how you deal with that.
He wanted me to take him to the bar after the surgery to help him find some "fly honeys.
" I'm gonna go to the chapel.
Someone needs to answer for this.
Sorry.
"To whom it may concern, "Gina Dabrowski is a wonderful young woman who would be an asset to your organization.
" - Yeah, I've heard this one before.
- Just wait.
"Time and time again, "she's demonstrated patience with old people like me "who are afraid of change "and not always their best selves "when it comes to people moving on.
"But Gina deserves to move on because this amazing woman is going to make the world a better place " Norma.
You really insist on ruining my flow.
" just like she's made me a better person.
"So "you should hire her, but make sure she has Saturdays off so she can come visit me.
" Thank you.
I love you, kiddo.
I love you, too.
You really are like a grandmother to me.
Oh, I said "mother," but okay.
So sorry, Jerry.
You deserve so much better.
Don't give up, man, you're still in the game.
Plus, they give you morphine.
I feel like such a failure.
I wasted a perfectly good dead man's kidney.
There he is! Whoo! New kidney boy.
Hey! Hey! New kidney! - New kidney! - Uh, Gina, can I talk to you a second? - Ah-ah, new kidney! Yeah? - Real quick.
- Hey, his body rejected the kidney.
- Oh, my God.
- Why didn't you text me? - I did! I didn't get it! So you've been on quite the roller coaster.
I'm so sorry, Jerry.
This probably doesn't help, but you got, like, 36 bucks' worth of winners in here.
You scratched all of 'em? We were in the waiting room for two hours.
Don't give 'em to me, I'm not worth it.
Jerry, stop.
Come on.
Yes, the kidney was rejected.
Yes, it is a terrible setback.
But it's how you deal with setbacks that define you as a person.
So you're gonna get back on dialysis.
You're gonna get back on the waiting list.
- You're gonna meet fly honeys.
- Yes.
The flyest of honeys.
And, Jerry, you're not gonna be alone, because you are stuck with each and every one of us.
And if you are ever lonely or happy or worried, we are gonna be here to help you be the strong and resilient man we know that you are.
Thank you.
I really appreciate you guys.
You've seen me on the best day and the worst day of my life.
I've been there before.
I was on this cruise and I saw this couple get married, and then, later, the guy threw the wife overboard.
It's probably a story for a different day.
Drew, you were really inspiring.
Not only did you uplift Jerry's spirits, - but I kind of - Oh, come on.
Do you really think I meant any of that? What? I was just trying to make the guy feel better because he's right back to where he started.
He's probably gonna spend the rest of his short life in that dialysis chair.
Whoa, that is grim.
Yeah, well, I guess that's just who I am, Gina.
Don't get mad at me.
I'm not.
I'm mad at me for letting myself hope.
Because I should know better.
You can make all these plans, and in the end, some acute rejection comes along and you're done.
That's not gonna happen to you, Drew, you've got a donor.
So did Jerry.
You know what I'm gonna take the stairs.
Well, hang in there, Jerry.
We love you, brother.
How come men can only say "I love you" to each other if they add "brother"? The same reason they can't hug without the little handshake in the middle.
- How's he doing? - He's good.
Set up a Tinder profile and already met a fly honey.
Really? Good for him.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, I'm the fly honey.
I made a fake account to help build his confidence.
What could go wrong? Hey, where's Drew? He's never this late.
Two empty chairs in one session.
Gideon cannot have that.
Ooh, Drew's in trouble.
- Hello? - Oh, you are alive.
Why is your butt not in this dialysis chair? - I'm not coming in today.
- What are you talking about? You haven't had treatment since Wednesday.
You've built up way too many toxins.
Yeah, I'll take my chances.
Attention, Delta passengers.
Flight 2317 to Miami Drew, are you at the airport? I have to go.
I got some snacks for the flight.
You are going to love Iceland.
Category:Episode Transcripts
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