Episode 308: Loretta Lynn/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 308: Loretta Lynn.
==Cold Open==
 	Scooter approaches a train car and knocks on the door.
Scooter	Loretta Lynn? Loretta Lynn? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Ms. Lynn!
 	Loretta exits the train car with her luggage. The crowd applauds.
Loretta	Scooter! Kermit said you'd meet me here at the train station.
Scooter	Well, here I am!
Loretta	Terrific! Where's the theater?
Scooter	Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
Loretta	What?
Scooter	We can't use the Muppet Theater tonight.
Loretta	Well, what are we gonna use, then?
 	The train begins to depart, revealing the train platform.
 	
Scooter	Platform 2.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in a makeshift version of the typical Muppet Show sign.
 	
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Ms. Loretta Lynn! Music!
 	Fozzie and George the Janitor lift up the flat and begin to take it offstage. The orchestra plays an out-of-tune version of the theme.
Fozzie 	Okay, let's go this way. This way, over here. No, this way! Sorry. Ahhh!
 	A conductor approaches Kermit.
Conductor 	Can I see your ticket?
Kermit 	Huh?
 	
 	A chicken joins the limited orchestra of Floyd, Zoot, Animal and Rowlf.
Rowlf 	Hey, you know who's conducting? The conductor.
Female Chorus	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
At the railroad track tonight
Male Chorus 	
It's time to make up scenery
Let's hope we do it right
Kermit 	
It's time to get things started
Muppets 	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Fozzie 	
This week's sort of railroad station-al
Muppets 	
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	Gonzo strolls in with his horn.
Gonzo 	This is gonna be terrific, Kermit!
 	
 	Gonzo blows his horn, which emits a train whistle.
==Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)==
Waldorf	Isn't this the last show of the season?
Statler	Yes, it is!
Waldorf	Thank goodness!
 	They chuckle.
==Opening number==
 	Kermit arrives in front of a slightly stained curtain.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our very special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in country music, Miss Loretta Lynn. But uh, but first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show. Uh, you see, the regular Muppet theater is being fumigated, and uh, and we had to find another place to do the show. And so the only other place that we could find was, uh…
Gonzo 	(whispers) Psst. Psst. Kermit. Kermit.
Kermit 	What is it, Gonzo?
Gonzo 	Better hurry. There's one coming now. (exits)
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, yeah, the only other place that we could find was this deserted, uh…
 	WHOOSH! A loud train passes by behind the curtain, startling him.
Kermit 	...or nearly deserted train station. (enter Loretta) Oh, it's Loretta Lynn! (applause)
Loretta	Kermit, is it really true we're gonna do the show from the station here?
Kermit 	Well, uh, Loretta, that is a very difficult question. And, uh, (ahem) the, uh… The, uh... Well, the answer is, uh… yes.
Loretta	Well, don't worry about it because us country singers can sing anywhere. (walks off)
Kermit 	Oh. Wonderful. OK, ladies and gentlemen, here she is. The most talented and cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.
 	
 	The curtain opens to the railroad station, where Lubbock Lou and his Jug Huggers have set up. Loretta and the band perform "You're Lookin' at Country" as Sweetums watches.
 	
Statler	I bought a round trip ticket.
Waldorf	To where?
Statler	To here, stupid.
 	Waldorf scowls.
==Railroad==
 	Kermit sets up shop in another section of the railroad. The jug huggers walk past him.
Kermit	OK, all right. Nice number, you guys. Let's see. What's next? Uh, tap dancers, tap dancers on stage please. Abe, Bernie, come on, get out there, you guys.
 	Two pig tap dancers tap their way to the stage, as two caged chickens cluck with interest.
Kermit	(to chickens) Hey, would you guys be quiet please?
 	A train conductor wheels away Kermit's makeshift desk.
Kermit	Hey, where are you going? You got my coffee cup there!
 	The conductor tosses him the cup, and it lands on the concrete and shatters. The chickens laugh.
Kermit	Uh, this is, is never going to work. Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Yes, Kermit?
Kermit	Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.
Gonzo 	But it was the only place available. They were having a tournament at the bowling alley. (Kermit frowns)
 	
Gonzo 	Anyway, the show's going great.
Kermit	Yeah, well, it's not just the show. It's backstage here. See, I can't use this place here as an office.
Gonzo 	(looks around) It's not so bad. I mean, I mean, so a train goes by once in a while. Who notices?
 	Everything rumbles as another train passes by. Gonzo is left quivering.
Kermit	Gonzo. (steadies him)
Gonzo 	Thank you. I'll find you a quieter place. (exits)
Kermit	(sigh)
=="All Alone"==
 	Piggy stands on the platform by a payphone, about to sing.
Miss Piggy 	(sings) All alone … I'm so (sigh) all alone …
 	Some pigs, a sheik, two members of the Country Trio, and a mom and son rush by her.
Pig passenger 	Oh, train on track one!
Pig passenger 2	Track one!
Jerry 	I heard him.
Son 	Come on, Mommy! We'll miss the train!
Miss Piggy 	There is no one else but me — I'm performing. Do you mind? Ahem.
All alone … by the … telephone …
 	The first pig leads the passengers the other way.
Pig passenger 	Oh! Track two. Track two, everybody, this way.
Sheik 	Tracking two.
Mom 	No, it's at the other platform!
Miss Piggy 	Waiting for …
Jerry 	Hurry up, or we're gonna miss it.
Pig passenger 3	Track two, track two.
Miss Piggy 	… a ring — will you get... a-ling —
 	The crowd, led by Conductor Baskerville, is about to walk by her, but she stops them in their tracks.
Pig passenger 	Nope, wasn't on track two …
Miss Piggy 	Hold it!
 	
Miss Piggy 	Thank you. Hi-YAH!
 	She knocks them all down with a karate chop. The payphone rings.
Miss Piggy 	Forget it! It's too late now! Humph! (storms off)
==Muppet News Flash==
 	The Newsman appears in the station's newsstand, decorated with his usual set features.
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig 	Uh, excuse me. Uh, uh, how much is a Pig News here?
Newsman	Wh-will you get out of here?!
Pig 	Hm? (sees the camera) Oh, oh, oh. (runs off)
Newsman	Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.
 	A mail handler pig drags a stack of mailbags in front of the newsstand.
 	
Newsman	(groans) However, delivery of air mail will continue as normal.
 	A mailbag falls on the Newsman.
==Railroad / Fozzie's comedy act==
 	
Gonzo 	This is a terrific place for you, Kermit. You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, at least it's a lot quieter than the baggage room.
Gonzo 	Yeah. Nobody'll bother you here. This car is out of service.
Kermit 	You're sure about that?
Gonzo 	Trust me.
Conductor	All aboaaaard!
 	The train starts moving.
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Gonzo 	I'd better check the timetable.
Kermit 	It's too late for that. Scooter? Scooter?
Scooter 	Boss! (runs after the train) W-w-where you going?
Kermit 	I don't know!
Gonzo 	Pittsburgh.
Kermit 	Scooter, take over for me! I'll be back as soon as I can! (to Gonzo) This is terrible!
Gonzo 	I'll say. We have to change trains in Altoona.
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Scooter 	OK, boss, you can trust me. (to audience) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny furry man...
Fozzie 	Scooter! Scooter! (fearful) Please don't introduce me. I don't have an act ready.
Scooter 	It's all right. Tell them the joke you told me. The one about the electricians and the polar bear.
Fozzie 	You liked the one about the electricians and the polar bear?
Scooter 	It's a masterpiece. I laughed for days.
Fozzie 	Introduce me.
 	
Scooter 	Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie 	Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? First of all…
 	A train passes by, drowning out most of the joke as he tells it.
 	
Fozzie 	… "No, but the wallpaper tasted terrific," he said.
 	He gets no applause or laughter.
Fozzie 	(stammering) The polar bear said that, you see … if you didn't... the electr—… Oh, I'm so lonely. (walks off-stage)
==At the Dance==
 	Two hobos enter.
Hobo 1 	Well, here's a train depot, Fred.
Fred 	Yeah, well, let's find the cattle car and get some sleep.
 	Dissolve to a chandelier with the typical "At the Dance" score.
Female Pig 	Uh, you know, for a teenager, you're very mature.
Male Pig 	Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.
Female Pig 	Oh, really?
Male Pig 	Hm-hmm. I cut myself both times.
 	The hobos have made their way to the dance floor.
Fred 	Heh. You ever seen people dancin' in a train station?
Hobo 1 	People, yes. Pigs, never.
Female Dancer	Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world?
Male Dancer 	Hoah, let's see...humorless man...uh. I give up, who?
Female Dancer	You are, fat head!
Male Dancer 	(laughs) ...I don't get it.
 	
Hobo 1 	Hey, these folks are dancin' and tellin' jokes!
Fred 	Well...they're dancin'.
Gray Man 	Ow, ow, ow!
Fred 	What is it?! What's wrong?!
Gray Man 	My feet are killin' me!
 	The man's feet repeatedly kick him in the head.
==UK Spot==
 	
Scooter 	Gee, I wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.
Chickens 	(clucking)
Scooter 	(to the chickens) I hope they're all right. Yeah.
 	Meanwhile, Kermit and Gonzo are pedaling their way back to the station.
Kermit 	Uh, this is ridiculous, Gonzo. But at least we found a stupid handcar.
Gonzo 	Aw, Kermit, relax with it. I mean, it's fun. Doesn't this take you back to the age of railroading?
Kermit 	I just want it to take me back to the station.
Gonzo 	Ah, the romance of it all.
 	Cue the music.
Gonzo 	Gonna take a sentimental journey …
Kermit 	I don't believe this. He's gonna sing?
Gonzo 	
Gonna make a sentimental journey
To renew old memories.
Kermit 	Forget about renewing your memories. Worry about renewing your contract.
Gonzo 	I've got my bag, I've got my reservation …
Kermit 	We're gonna have us sprained backs by the time this is over.
Gonzo 	
Like a child in wild anticipation,
Long to hear that "all aboard".
Seven…
Kermit 	Seven…
Gonzo 	That's the time we leave, at seven.
Kermit 	At seven.
Gonzo 	I'll be waiting up for heaven — Take it.
Kermit 	A-counting every mile of railroad track. (scowls)
Gonzo 	Ooh, I'm sorry. Big finish.
 	
Kermit & Gonzo	
Never thought my heart could be so yearny.
Why did I decide to roam?
Gonna take a sentimental journey,
Sentimental journey home.
Kermit 	Come on, Gonzo, Move this thing.
Gonzo 	All right. Well, OK.
 	They pick up speed.
Kermit 	Here we go.
Gonzo 	You had fun, didn't you?
Kermit 	Faster.
Gonzo 	Well, Kermit, did you like the song?
Kermit 	We gotta get there. Go, go, Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Hurry!
Kermit 	Come on!
Gonzo 	We're almost there.
Kermit 	Faster!
=="Oh, Lonesome Me"==
Baskerville 	Say, how's the show going?
Scooter 	Oh, pretty good, but I wish Kermit was here.
Baskerville 	What's the next act?
Scooter 	Uh, Winky Pinkerton. Yeah, he does bird impressions.
 	They watch as Winky, a penguin, passes by.
 	
Winky 	(unenthusiastic) Cluck. Tweet tweet. Cock-a-doodle-do.
Baskerville 	Good luck.
Scooter 	Yeah, break a beak.
 	They laugh. Baskerville follows Scooter as he walks.
Baskerville 	Say, I'm just thrilled to pieces you're doing this big TV show here in our train depot.
Scooter 	Yeah, well, we like it too.
Baskerville 	Say, tell me something, though. Where's Loretta Lynn?
Scooter 	Oh, she's here, in her dressing room.
 	Scooter opens a door to reveal Loretta inside, playing her guitar.
Loretta 	Oh, hi, guys.
Scooter & Baskerville	Hi.
Baskerville 	Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet?
Scooter 	'Cause the boiler room was full of pigs? (exits)
Loretta 	Oh, I don't mind. I'm just relaxing and singing some old songs. Remember this one?
 	
 	Cue the music. Loretta stands up and sings "Oh, Lonesome Me" and is soon joined by Baskerville and four other dogs, including Rowlf.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
Announcer	Arriving now on track 2, Veterinarian's Hospital...
 	Miss Piggy observes a first aid kit on the wall and fumbles shutting it. She walks to the operating table, where a train conductor lies.
Announcer	...the continuing stooory of a quack that's gone to the dogs.
 	
Janice 	Here's your next patient, Dr. Bob. He's a conductor.
Rowlf 	Well, he's not getting any symphony from me. (all laugh)
Piggy 	You mean "sympathy."
Rowlf 	He's not getting any of that either. (all laugh)
Janice 	Dr. Bob, he's a train conductor!
Rowlf 	Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.
Janice 	Why not?
Rowlf 	I've got a very poor track record. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	(groans)
Rowlf 	Hey, what's the matter with him?
Janice 	I don't know. He keeps saying the same thing over and over.
Conductor	ALL ABOARD!
 	The medics leap on the table and silence him.
Janice 	See what I mean?
Piggy 	(leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice 	Dr. Bob, that's all he ever says!
Rowlf 	Well, he must have a one-track mind! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	(groans)
Piggy 	That's your second "track" joke, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	So what? Who keeps track? (all laugh)
Piggy 	That's three!
Rowlf 	Well, it's too late to change. You can't teach an old dog new tracks! (all laugh)
Piggy 	Well, three-and-a-half.
Rowlf 	(groans)
Conductor	ALL ABOARD!
 	The medics leap on him again.
Piggy 	(leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice 	Dr. Bob, he's worked too long on the railroad. It's affected his mind.
Rowlf 	Yes. The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train! (laughs with Piggy)
Piggy 	Oh, Dr. Bob, I think you've got it! (all laugh)
Conductor	ALL ABOARD!
 	The medics leap on him again.
Announcer	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	I think he's got railroad sneeze.
Piggy 	What's railroad sneeze?
Rowlf 	Ah-choo choo! (all laugh)
Waldorf 	You know, this place is cleaner than the theater.
Statler 	True. Seats are more comfortable too.
Waldorf 	Hmm. Yeah. Only the entertainment lives down to my expectations. (both laugh)
==Railroad==
 	Back to Kermit and Gonzo, still pedaling the handcar.
Gonzo 	Hey, Kermit?
Kermit	What? I don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	But, but, but Kermit...
Kermit	Listen, just keep pumping. We've gotta get up to the train station.
Gonzo 	But Kermit, it's important.
Kermit	OK, Gonzo. What is it?
Gonzo 	Well, there's a light up ahead.
Kermit	Oh, good. Maybe that's the train station.
Gonzo 	No. That's a train.
 	A steam whistle is heard. Gonzo halts to a stop.
 	
Kermit	What? Train? Back the other way, Gonzo. Quick! Back! Pump!
 	They start moving the other way as the train gets closer and closer.
Kermit	Pump! Pump!
Gonzo 	I'm trying. He's gaining on us. Hurry up.
Kermit	Faster! Faster! He's gaining on us. Faster!
==Muppet News Flash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig 	Uh, 'scuse me. Do you sell any chocolate bars?
Newsman	No.
Pig 	Hmm. How 'bout jelly piglets?
Newsman	Will you get out of here?
 	The pig leaves.
Newsman	Three escaped chickens broke into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking away at the Morse key. Uh, they were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on Abyssinia.
 	
 	The Newsman's sheet gets speared.
==Railroad / "The Rhyming Song"==
 	Fozzie rushes up to Scooter.
Fozzie 	Scooter, have you heard anything from Kermit yet?
Scooter 	No, not yet.
Fozzie 	Oh, no!
Scooter 	(glances at the clipboard) The next thing on the show is supposed to be the rhyming song!
Fozzie 	(grabs Scooter) The rhyming song?!?
Scooter 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	(panicking) But — but we're not ready for the rhyming song!!
Scooter 	(also panicking) I know we're not ready for the rhyming song!
Fozzie 	Well, what's on now?
Scooter 	Oh, nothing.
 	A beat.
Fozzie 	OK, everybody! The rhyming song!
 	Link and Annie Sue gather with Scooter and Fozzie. They all clamor amongst each other.
Scooter 	Yeah, let's go.
Fozzie 	Annie Sue? Link? Yeah, come on.
Link Hogthrob 	Th-the-the what?
Annie Sue 	But I can't remember it!
Fozzie 	You know the rhyming song!
Annie Sue 	Oh, yeah, sure. Great! (follows Fozzie and Scooter away)
Link Hogthrob 	What is the uh, what is the uh … (to the chickens) Stand by for the rhyming song. (runs to catch up with the others)
Fozzie 	No, Scooter, it's me first. Me, me, me. Curtain!
 	The curtain rises as music begins. Link looks around in confusion, while Fozzie dances.
Fozzie 	
Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.
 	Scooter steps up.
Scooter 	I was hungry, now I'm not.
Fozzie 	The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Scooter 	'Cause I ate some beans and grapes.
 	They face each other in confusion, then continue.
Fozzie & Scooter	
The rhyming song?
Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.
 	Annie Sue steps up.
Annie Sue 	I left my knees in your car.
All three 	The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Annie Sue 	My laundry's ready at half past nine.
 	They face each other in confusion, then continue. Fozzie pulls Link in the right direction.
All three 	
The rhyming song?
Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.
Fozzie 	Link!
Link Hogthrob 	Stars are twinkling in the sky.
The other three 	The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Link Hogthrob 	There's no hot water in my hotel.
The other three 	The rhyming song?
Scooter 	This is not the rhyming song.
All four 	The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Fozzie 	I know it's not the rhyming song.
All four 	The rhyming song.
 	
Fozzie 	Oh, brother!
Link Hogthrob 	What do we do now?
Annie Sue 	I don't know!
All four 	The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Fozzie 	
Let's all jump up and down and wave our arms,
And get off the stage!
 	They all do so, ending the number awkwardly as the curtain closes. The phone rings.
Fozzie 	Get the phone, Scooter! The phone!
Waldorf 	The rhyming song, huh? They're really getting desperate.
Statler 	Mmm. Desperation's a good sign. Soon they may panic and run away.
 	They chuckle.
==Railroad / "One's On the Way"==
 	
Scooter	Yeah. Yeah, Kermit. … What? Hit by a train? … Well, uh, at least it's a different way to spend the day. … Well, I'm glad you're OK at least. Yeah.
Loretta	Oh, excuse me, Scooter.
Scooter	Oh, hold on a second, Kermit. Yeah, Loretta?
Loretta	I don't see how we're gonna be able to do this last number.
Scooter	Why?
Loretta	Well, it needs a lot of scenery.
Scooter	Oh, well, we got the scenery. It's just a little different.
Loretta	How's that?
Scooter	Fozzie painted it.
 	
Fozzie 	Okay, come on, move it in. That's it. And bring down the uh, clothesline, guys, too, okay. That's it. All the way down. Ahh. No. Hold it. No, up, up. But not too far. That's it. Perfect. OK, Loretta, good luck. Watch out, the paint's still wet.
Loretta	Okay then, I'm ready for my next number.
Scooter	Great. (on phone) OK, chief, I'm ready to introduce Loretta. … Well, of course I'll do a good job. … Don't worry — okay, you tell me what to say and l'll say it, all right? … (listens, then repeats to the camera) Ladies and gentlemen … Miss Loretta Lynn. (on phone) Boy, chief, you got a way with words. Huh.
 	
 	The setting is a house overrun by babies. Loretta, the mother, arrives home and does her duties while singing "One's on the Way". The babies join in. When the song ends ...
Loretta	Oh, gee, I hope it ain't twins again.
 	Applause.
==Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)==
 	
 	Fozzie watches the closing number with the two old men.
Fozzie	Ah! Well, wasn't the scenery wonderful?
==Goodnights==
Scooter	Well, folks...
 	He briefly looks behind him as a train leaves with Baskerville, the sheik, and the other passengers seen previously.
Scooter	(cont'd) I'm sorry Kermit's not here now.
 	Kermit emerges, looking battered and bruised.
Kermit 	Oh, OK, OK, OK, I'm here, I'm here!
Scooter	Are you all right?
Kermit 	Well, I'm as right as I can be after being nearly hit by a train and falling into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.
Scooter	Wow.
Gonzo 	You forgot about the dogs.
Kermit 	Uh, yes, yes, we were also chased by angry dogs.
Gonzo 	(sigh) You always leave out the best parts. (exits)
Kermit 	Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next on the show?
Scooter	Oh, nothing. Yeah, you got here just in time for the end, boss. (exits)
Kermit 	Well, uh, so much for the railroad station show. It's been a little bit weird, but tonight did have one big advantage and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn! Yaaaay! (applause)
Loretta	Thank you, Kermit. Are you all right?
Kermit 	Yeah, yeah, thank you, ma'am.
Loretta	I want you to know I really had a great time on your show tonight.
Kermit 	Oh, that's good. Hey, but listen, we'd better get out of here before another train comes.
Gonzo 	Hey, hey, hey, you can take your time, Kermit.
Kermit 	Why?
Gonzo 	No more trains tonight. I put up a sign that'll keep 'em away.
Kermit 	Uh, well, what does the sign say?
Gonzo 	"Airport".
 	
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Oh, trains don't go to airports.
Kermit 	I know, but uh …
 	WHOOSH! They all duck as a jet flies overhead.
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around her as the credits roll. The band plays the closing theme rather haphazardly.
Rowlf 	No wonder this sounds bad. We're playing a timetable!
 	Meanwhile…
Waldorf	Well, what'd you think?
 	A train passes by, rattling them.
Statler	Well, a bit shaky.
 	
==Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)==
Waldorf	Well, that's the end of this season!
Statler	Think they'll be back next year?
Waldorf	One can only hope not.
 	They chuckle.
 	
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts