Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy/Quotes

:Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!
:[Reaches for light switch]
:Homer and Marge: Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!
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:Bart: Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions.
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:Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up]
:Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
:Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
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:Marge: Homer, wake up! Wake up!
:Homer: Wha?
:Marge: We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately.
:Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
:Marge: I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book?
:Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK!
:Marge: A tasteful book.
:Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.
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:Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
:Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
:Grampa: Flu?
:Homer: No.
:Grampa: Protein deficiency?
:Homer: No.
:Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
:Homer: No.
:Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
:Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
:Grampa: What, seeex: What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
:(Homer shudders upon hearing Grampa tell him "too much information")
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:Homer: Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!
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:Homer: Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme...and quick!
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:Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works—you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.
:Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
:Marge: You can make a lot of money...
:Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants?
:Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
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:Grampa: Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
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:Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent!
:Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard.
:Mr. Van Houten: Yeah! Every single night.
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:Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups?
:Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off]
:Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions."
:Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
:Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
:Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
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:Grampa: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
:Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
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:Grampa: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business.
:Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]
:[pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]
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:Bart: OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
:Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? [he and Bart start wrestling]
:Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
:Bart: So what's the simplest explanation?
:Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
:Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!
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:Grampa: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.
:[Homer does so and they get out of the car]
:Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump?
:Grampa: That's the house you grew up in, son.
:Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
:Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good.
:[flashback to young Homer in the barn]
:Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!
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:Grampa: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
:[young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall; flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV]
:Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh]
:Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy.
:Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day.
:Grampa: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.
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:Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
:Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
:[in the car]
:Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
:Grampa: That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
:Homer: You're the screw-up!
:Grampa: Why you little... [strangles Homer]
:Homer: All right, all right. That's it. We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
:Grampa: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!
:Homer: [gasps, stops the car] Get out.
:Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.
:Homer: Out.
:Grampa: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang. [And he will never see Homer ever again and return to Springfield Retirement Castle]
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:Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
:Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
:Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
:Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
:Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.
:Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.
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:Milhouse: The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people...
:Bart: Thank you.
:Milhouse: ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
:Lisa: [sighs]
:Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
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:Grampa: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
:Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches]
:Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
:Grampa: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
:Barney: Oh -- [collapses]
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:Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
:Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
:Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
:Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
:[Homer gets in the car and drives off.]
:Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
:Lisa: That's what I assumed.
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:Homer: Dad!
:Grampa: Son!
:Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
:Grampa: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
:Homer: You know what?
:Grampa: What?
:Homer: We're both screw-ups.
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:Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very (staring at Bart's candy bar) sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! -- situation.