Pilot/Transcript

This is the transcript for Pilot, which aired on November 5, 2020.
==Transcript==
1 The doctor will be right in.
Thanks.
Drew? No.
No.
Got it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Hey.
Wow! That's not your chart.
No, I know.
I know.
I was just concerned for Mrs.
Yang.
So, how's it going? Any, uh, more luck with the peeing? [SIGHS.]
No.
No luck.
I stand.
I sit.
I can't even do it in the shower.
All right.
Let's take a look at your blood work.
Uh-huh.
Eh.
Oh.
"Oh"? What is "oh"? Your creatinine level is through the roof.
And that's not good? Rule of thumb, nothing in your body should ever be through the roof.
Drew, I'm afraid you're in renal failure.
"Renal" as in "kidney"? Yes.
Okay.
Well any chance there could be a mistake? I mean, that girl who took my blood, you know, with the piercings and the tattoos - My daughter.
- Very pretty.
Cool style.
So, what are we talking here? Medication? Diet? All fat? No fat? Should I be catching my own fish? It's a little more serious than that.
Uh, I'm gonna give you the name of an excellent nephrologist.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Yeah, I don't want a strip mall nephrologist.
Excuse me, I'm a little dry.
[BOTTLE SQUEAKING.]
You know, when I did pee, it made that sound.
Look, I know it's a lot to process, but you really need to start thinking about potential kidney donors.
Whoa.
Uh, what Hang on, you're saying, uh You're saying I need a new kidney? I'd start with family.
They're usually the best match.
Oh, great, a Republican kidney.
It'll just help you pee.
It won't tell you which bathroom to pee in.
Well, how about friends? Uh, I don't really have kidney friends.
I mean, I have friends, don't get me wrong.
Just not the kind that, you know, care about me.
Well, meanwhile, you just got to try to stay positive.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
How do I do that? I drink, but you have to make your own choices.
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive God, I wasn't raised to believe in you.
But that's on my parents.
So take them.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Maddie? Come on, honey, let's go.
Hey, there's my girl.
- How was your week? - Fine.
Okay, well, get ready for a fun weekend.
Got a lot of stuff plan Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Little game we've been playing lately.
Ignoring each other.
"I'm ignoring you.
" "No, I'm ignoring you.
" [CHUCKLES.]
It's good fun.
Look, I think she's still pretty upset with you over the breakup.
You left me.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Drew, we both know that you checked out of this marriage years ago.
I'm just the one who moved out.
I'll see you Sunday.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Actually, about that.
I have to bring Maddie back early.
I have to go to a wedding in Bridgeport.
Oh, well, that'll be fun for you.
You'll get to sit at the singles table.
Bet you wish you sat at the singles table at our wedding.
[SCOFFS.]
You okay? I don't know, you just seem bleaker than usual.
No, I'm-I'm good.
Tip-top.
Okay.
If you say so.
- Julia.
- Yeah? Look, I, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with.
And I could be, at times, closed off.
I-I just want to say I'm sorry.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay.
Thank you.
Maddie? Yes? [SIGHS.]
I I love you.
What? I just don't think we say it enough, so Oh, my God, my dad is so weird.
On behalf of Leslie and Brian, welcome.
This night is not only special for them, but for all of us who are lucky enough to know them.
This union represents your committed [QUIETLY.]
: Do you see that guy? What about him? We hooked up at the rehearsal dinner, and now it's like I don't exist.
[WHISPERS.]
: Shut up! - Sorry.
- Sorry.
[PRIEST SPEAKING QUIETLY.]
What are you doing? He may not recognize me from the front.
I will kill you both.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Maybe the top of my head will ring a bell.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY.]
Drew? Is that Drew Dunbar? Gina.
Hello, hi.
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since high school.
Aah! [LAUGHS.]
Yes, it's been a long time.
Oh, did you see me? I was in the wedding.
Yeah, I saw you.
Everyone saw you.
So what have you been up to? Tell me everything.
Uh [SIGHS.]
okay, well, um, I got married, became a therapist, have a beautiful daughter.
She's 12, really smart.
Ah, kids are great.
Can you prescribe drugs? No, that's a psychiatrist.
I'm a psychologist.
Internet degree, but still very real.
What about you? What's been going on with you? Um, not much.
Just my boring life.
Although last year there was this one little misunderstanding, but it got expunged.
Expunged? It's like I didn't do it.
Anyway Um, I got this job driving a senior van for this assisted living place.
They are the sweetest people ever.
But they die, like, constantly.
Sometimes in the van, and it's a mess.
Yeah.
Bummer.
Uh Well, uh, good catching up.
Wait.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Why? I am around death all the time, and something about you seems a little deathy.
Wow, what a weird superpower.
Well, uh, as a matter of fact, I, um I did just find out that I need a kidney transplant.
I knew it! I was thinking more the colon area, but I was in the neighborhood.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I'm sure it'll all work out.
No biggie, as the kids say.
Oh, no, it is a biggie.
I have this one old dude, Mr.
Lopez, that I drive to dialysis three times a week, but but he is old, [VOICE BREAKING.]
: and you are still young.
That is so sad.
Does that make you sad? Uh y-yeah.
No, yeah, it does.
Anyway, uh, good catching up.
Drew, wait! Yeah? Come here.
Keep coming.
I know this is gonna sound crazy, but what if I give you my kidney? - [CHUCKLES.]
: What? - I'm totally serious.
And this is not the wine talking, or the weed, or whatever that pink pill was.
Gina, you can't just make a rash decision like this.
Oh, can't I? Who's "Gunner"? Exactly! Come on, let me do this for you.
Oh, Xanax.
That was the pink pill.
We can be kidney buddies for life.
[LAUGHS.]
My organ will be in you, Drew.
Do you hear me? - I will be in you.
- Oh [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Old high school friend.
Okay, look, Gina, I think it's amazing that you want to do this for me, really, but, um, I've already got some feelers out for potential donors.
So wait, are you turning down my kidney? [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
I gotta tell you, I'm a little insulted.
No-no, you know, I'm a lot insulted.
I mean, I have given my body to many men before, but never for keeps.
Stuck the landing.
I so wish I could, but I already donated both of my kidneys.
- Whose kidney? - You're serious? That's just bad luck for you, ain't it? [LAUGHS.]
My kidney? I'd really feel more comfortable if I just stick to doing your taxes.
Does it have to be a human kidney? What? No.
GINA: I like big butts And I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny Diabetics! OTHERS: When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist And a round thing in your face you get sprung Cardiac patients! Wanna pull up tough 'cause you notice that butt Was stuffed! Yes.
Now I believe you like big butts.
All right, New Rochelle Medical.
That's Fred and Maurice.
Wait, just Fred.
Maurice is on the bus to Heaven.
Okay, people, this is Fred's first chemo treatment.
Let's show him some love.
- Thanks, everybody.
- Hey! You got this.
Go kick cancer's ass.
Drew? Is that Drew Dunbar? What are you doing here? I went by the assisted living place.
- They told me your route.
- Get up here.
Hey, everybody, this is my friend Drew.
We went to high school together.
[OVERLAPPING GREETINGS.]
Don't let it go to your head.
They cheer when I run a yellow light.
So, what is going on with you? God, how long has it been? How long? We saw each other the other night; at the wedding? We did? Yeah.
You don't remember? You fell out of a window.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Are you screwing with me? Oh, oh, I think I know what happened.
You talked to Becca.
Uh, no, it was you.
Mm, it was Becca.
Sometimes when I party too much, there's this other girl who kind of takes over, and she's a crazy bitch.
Okay, well, uh, Becca kind of offered to donate her kidney to me.
God, that is so Becca! How do you not remember? "I'm gonna be in you! I'm gonna be in you!" I don't feel safe right now.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, that-that's what you said to me.
So wait.
You really need a kidney? That's serious, isn't it? - You could, like, die.
- Who died? Maurice did.
Don't worry about it.
Okay, I'm sorry to have bothered you.
I'll just get out here.
Hold up a second.
I have two kidneys, right? Yeah.
Why do I need two? You don't.
Well, then, guess who's getting a kidney.
Me? That's right, Mr.
Lopez.
Don't worry, he won't remember.
You're really gonna let them cut you open, take out your kidney and stick it in some strange dude? He's not some strange dude, he's the one guy I didn't hook up with in high school.
And this is just a blood test to see if we're compatible.
As long as we're here, at least get a prescription for something.
What are you in the mood for? I don't know, surprise me.
Here, one of the old ladies on my van made glaucoma brownies.
You have the best job.
So, are you at least getting any money for this? - Or prizes? - No.
Not even a Jet Ski? You should ask for a Jet Ski.
I'm doing this to save his life.
I'm like a shining light in a world that is, you know, dark and bad.
That's great, that's great.
I still don't know why you're doing this.
All right, you remember when I totaled my Ford Fiesta? Oh, I loved that car.
They don't make brown cars anymore.
Yeah, but more importantly, the doctors thought I wasn't gonna make it, and ever since then I've had this feeling that I was saved for a reason.
You know, to do something more important with my life.
I thought it was gonna be cosmetology school, but now I think it's this.
You know what I think? What? Eh, it's gone.
DREW: This is never gonna work.
Even if she gives me the kidney, I'll probably reject it.
Or it'll reject me, out of spite.
So that's it.
I'm gonna die.
I'll never get to walk my daughter down the aisle, or hold my grandchild or see Hamilton.
[RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Who is it? - Gina.
So, what happened? We are a match! - [LAUGHS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Gina, that's incredible.
Oh, I'm gonna pee like a circus horse.
Gina, you saved my life.
Oh maybe.
What do you mean "maybe"? There's just one little hiccup.
My doctor said I have to give up drugs and booze for three months before I can donate.
Three months.
Not a problem, I've quit hundreds of times.
And I'm back to dying.
No, you're not.
Come on, I can do this.
Starting right now, I am quitting everything.
No more partying.
I'm gonna eat right, get plenty of exercise.
I'm gonna take good care of your kidney.
That's actually your liver.
Oh, you don't want that.
That is garbage.
Gina, I brought you some healthy food for my kidney.
Yeah? I'm looking for Gina.
No Gina here, man.
Oh.
Sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How about, uh, Becca? Oh, yeah.
She's sleeping.
I mean, I hope she's sleeping.
Oh, God.
Dude, that was my breakfast.
Gina.
- Gina.
- Becca.
Here, have some almonds.
Oh, cool.
Thanks.
Hey.
Hey! Oh, Drew.
Is it kidney time? Let me just brush my teeth.
What happened to staying clean and sober? Excuse me, but I think the bigger question that we need to ask right now is who is that guy? What is the matter with you? I mean, do you not understand that this is life and death for me? I have a daughter who needs to have a father.
- I know.
I know.
- No, you don't.
See, I-I knew I couldn't count on you.
You were a train wreck back in high school, - and you are a train wreck now.
- That is not fair.
I was not this bad in high school.
You know what, Gina, you can keep your kidney.
You're gonna need it.
You'll probably be dead before me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Your dad's kind of a dick.
Seriously, who are you?! Yeah, hi, I'm looking to talk to someone about getting on the kidney registry.
WOMAN [ON PHONE.]
: Please hold.
Sure.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive - Really? - Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' ali What? Nothing.
WOMAN [ON PHONE.]
: National Kidney Registry, please hold.
Stayin' alive Okay, Leo, this is you.
- Don't forget your prescription.
- Got it.
And call your granddaughter.
It's 2020.
- Girls can kiss girls.
- Okay, okay.
Can I come on? Oh, hey.
- No! - Please, just for a minute.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?! I don't know.
- Oh! Ah! - Get off of there! Gina! Stop the van.
Stop the van, Gina! I-I just need to talk to you.
- Make it quick.
- Okay, okay.
Ah [THUDS.]
What are we, Uber now? Okay, look, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Apparently I lash out when I'm afraid I'm gonna die.
- You sure do.
- I know.
And, Gina, I'm sorry but I have no one else to turn to.
The wait list for a kidney is, like, ten years, and - I won't make that.
- MRS.
FRANCO: You won't.
That's how my Frankie died.
So you want help from a train wreck? I shouldn't have called you that.
No, you shouldn't have.
It was rude and hurtful, and probably true.
Look, would a train wreck take such good care of all these old people? Hey, I'm only 72.
If you're 72, I'm 14.
Would a train wreck offer to do this incredibly selfless thing for some guy she knew back in high school? It is pretty heroic.
Gina, please, help me.
I'm out of options.
Just say yes.
Or kiss.
I'm late for radiation.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
And I'm sorry about your Frankie.
Don't be.
I'm with this one now.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1 Transcripts