Square One

This is the 48th episode of Hoopla's Fantastic Beach, and the 9th episode of season 4.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with Hoopla’s parents in the hot tub. They are clothed. Don’t ask.)
Zoopla: Hot damn, this damn tub is hot.
Woopla: Honey, it’s a hot tub.
Zoopla: It’s doing a very good job at… being a hot tub.
Woopla: (pause) Well, I’m getting out. (he steps out of the tub) I will say, however, that hot sure was tub.
Zoopla: Why are you getting out?
Woopla: Chores need to be done, and I’m not gonna let them go to waste.
Zoopla: (sighs) Fine, if you say so. (she gets out as well and drains the tub) Wait a second…
(The scene shows a close-up of the tub drain to reveal a mysterious substance)
Zoopla: What is that?!
Woopla: Uhh… I don’t know honey, and I sure don’t remember putting that there.
Zoopla: Hmmmm, perhaps it was our son. He’s going to be in big trouble, I bet.
Woopla: I’m calling him right now.
(Meanwhile at Hoopla’s beach house, he is laying in a hammock outside)
Hoopla: I didn’t even know hammocks existed until five minutes ago, but damn this is the life!
(Hoopla’s phone rings, which is just a sound clip of him from Krusty Krab Training Video)
Hoopla: I really need to change that ringtone. (he answers the call) Hello, Hoopla speaking.
Woopla: HOOPLA! You need to come over to our house immediately!
Hoopla: Aww, do I have to? I’m trying to relax here.
Woopla: Yes, you have to. Father’s orders.
Hoopla: What happened? Did you lose your fake mustache again?
Woopla: Just come over. Your endless questions are the reason we kicked you out.
Hoopla: o
(Cut to Hoopla at his parents’ hotel room apartment)
Hoopla: You guys are still here? Even after I moved out?
Zoopla: We’ve grown attached to it. Just like your no-good free-loading cousin Koopla grew too attached to us when he didn’t have a place to stay and we said he could stay with us for a week! He lived among us for an entire year, that absolute imbecile.
(Hoopla snickers)
Woopla: I also forgot where I stored the money we were going to use to move out.
Hoopla: Oh yeah, I got rid of it. Anyways, why did you call me?
Woopla: You got rid of our money?!
Hoopla: I-
Zoopla: That was our retirement fund!
Hoopla: I- that’s not the point. Is there a reason for me to be here or did you just call me to say you love me again?
Woopla: We don’t love you.
Hoopla: Answer the question! Uh, please.
Zoopla: We found a weird thing-ma jig in the hot tub. 
Woopla: We have absolutely no idea what it is. It’s this weird liquid-y substance.
Hoopla: Oh, I found something like that in my sock once.
Zoopla: Woopla believes you placed it there to prank us, or something.
Hoopla: Uhh, well I certainly did not place anything in your hot tub. Let me just ask a quick question- it wasn’t shadowy or anything right?
Zoopla: Nope.
Woopla: Yep.
Hoopla: Is that a no to no, it’s not shadowy? Or a yes to yes it’s not shadowy? Or a yes or no that it is?
Zoopla: It wasn’t shadowy.
Hoopla: Good. That guy is not coming back. Well if it’s not that, show me what it is.
[Cut to the three around the hot tub.]
Woopla: Here.
Hoopla: Hmm… it appears to be some kind of weird thing-ma jig. Some kind of liquid-y substance, perchance.
Zoopla: (sigh of relief) Oh, thank goodness! Why didn’t we think of that, honey?!
Woopla: ZOOPLA!
Zoopla: What?
Hoopla: Mom, Dad, I have no idea what this is but I can assure you 100% that this wasn’t me.
Zoopla: Okay Shaggy.
Hoopla: I’m being honest!
Zoopla: Yeah, sure, okay.
Hoopla: I AM THOUGH! I know this may be hard to believe, but I genuinely have no idea what this is. Now, if you will excuse me, I have business to attend to. And by business, I mean laying around in my new hammock all day.
Woopla: You can’t just leave us here! This could be toxic for all we know!
Hoopla: Don’t touch it then. There, problem solved. I’m going now.
Woopla: (sigh) We’ll pay you if you figure out what this thing is.
Hoopla: On second thought, perhaps I could stay and help. How much?
Woopla: I don’t know. I never thought we’d get this far.
Hoopla: Good enough for me. Now… where to start?
Woopla: You’re on your own there, kid. We’re gonna have dinner. No, you can’t join.
Hoopla: Damn it.
(Woopla and Zoopla begin walking off.)
Woopla: Don't worry honey, I'll prepare dinner tonight.
(The room immediately combusts into flames, but the flames just as suddenly go out because it’s underwater.)
Hoopla: (turning to the audience) This is why cooking is a woman's job.
(Laugh track)
Woopla: This is why you’re single.
Hoopla: Well, I’m aromantic, so ha!
Zoopla: Get on with the job!
Hoopla: Oh, yeah, right. Well, I should first take the day off from my normal job so I have time to do this. 
Woopla: I didn’t know you had a job, sweetie-pie!
Hoopla: I work for Simon’s ice cream business, you dementia-haver. (calls Simon) Hey Simon, I’m gonna need to take the day off.
Simon: I literally saw you swinging in your hammock earlier.
Hoopla: Okay…so maybe I was gonna skip work today anyway- but now I have an actual excuse. Wanna come solve a mystery?
Simon: How do you expect me to solve a mystery while I’m trying to work my job and my charity?
Hoopla: Oh yeahhh…
Simon: Sorry. You’re on your own.
(Simon hangs up.)
Hoopla: What a load of Hoopla. Every investigator needs an assistant. Hmm… (calls Doclement) Hey Doc!
(There is nothing but static on the other side.)
Hoopla: The universe really hates me today. Doesn’t matter, I’m smart enough.
(Hoopla walks back over to the hot tub and looks at the substance.)
Hoopla: I need to analyze this…but I am not touching it.
(Hoopla stares at the substance for a few seconds before giving up.)
Hoopla: Ugh, this is too boring. I’ll just scoop it up and get someone else to analyze it.
(Hoopla takes a jar from a nearby shelf and scoops up the substance. He exits the hotel and starts walking down the street.)
Hoopla: Do I really not have anything better to do?
(He looks around, everything is silent.)
Hoopla: Huh. For once, the beach is quiet. That’s strange.
(Hoopla trips over a rock and the jar breaks, spilling the substance on him.)
Hoopla: Aw man! My evidence! Wait… (Hoopla smells and feels the substance) this is just… shampoo. MY PARENTS COULDN’T RECOGNIZE THEIR OWN SHAMPOO!? This is the most lackluster conclusion ever. I guess that solves the mystery, though. 
(Hoopla scoops the shampoo off of him and puts it in what’s left of the jar.)
Hoopla: Well then. I’ll take this back to them and show it’s just their shampoo-
(Hoopla trips over the same exact rock and drops the jar down an open manhole.)
Hoopla: Oh.
(Hoopla watches it slowly fall down.)
Hoopla: This is a really…(yawn) long hole. Ridiculously long. So much for that.
(Hoopla looks around once again- there is no one else there.)
Hoopla: …I may have stumbled upon a greater mystery. What is it, National No Hoopla Day? It’s too quiet. Too boring for this beach. It’s like a filler episode of life.
(Hoopla sees a nearby general store, and walks into it.)
Hoopla: Even the stores are boring and generic. Hello? Anyone here?
Staff: Yeah, what is it? There were no customers all day. Who are you?
Hoopla: Oh, you know.
Staff: I don’t.
Hoopla: Uh, yeah you do. I saved the world 3 times.
Staff: I have never heard of you.
Hoopla: How is that even possible? Is my popularity…FADING?!
Staff: Probably. (picks newspaper back up.)
Hoopla: Wait wait wait- just because I may be turning somewhat irrelevant, which I’m not, that doesn’t mean there would be nobody around! It’s like a ghost town! I gotta do something about this!
Staff: You were relevant?
Hoopla: What did I just say? I saved the world THREE TIMES!
Staff: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Hoopla: Grr, fine. Maybe I am a little irrelevant. But mark my words, I will make myself relevant again!
(Hoopla stomps out of the store. He doesn’t watch where he is going, as he bumps into someone and they both fall down)
Hoopla: Woo, that was quite the fall. 
(Hoopla looks at who he hit- it’s a yellow sponge- one with square pants, buck teeth, and a high pitched voice. The one and only.)
Hoopla: Wait a second, are… you… SpongeBob?! Could it really be?!
???: Huh?
Hoopla: I said, are you SpongeBob? Y’know, the famous yellow sponge?
???: Well I am a yellow sponge. Huh, I guess I am popular after all.
Hoopla: That’s right. And I want you… to help make me popular again.
???: Popular? I know about popular. It’s not about who you are or your fancy car, you’re only ever who you were.
Hoopla: I like that song.
???: Who are you, exactly?
Hoopla: My name is Hoopla. Yours? Wait, I shouldn’t have to ask.
???: My name is…
(Drumroll)
???: STANLEY! Stanley SquarePants.
(sad trumpet)
Hoopla: (disappointed) Oh. You’re just his cousin. That was really misleading. And disappointing. This whole day has been like that!
Stanley: Yeah… I am his cousin. Do you still want my help?
Hoopla: You know what, sure. There’s a mystery that I need to solve.
Stanley: Go on…
Hoopla: Well, have you noticed that something is off about this place? It’s like a ghost town around here.
Stanley: Now that you mention it, yeah. I’ve hardly seen anyone out here all day. Except that homeless man I accidentally sat on.
Hoopla: Uh, let’s just forget about that for now. You’re in.
Stanley: Great! What do we do now?
Hoopla: Look for clues and such. Maybe there’s a virus, and they can’t have them close times if they can’t.
Stanley: Huh?
Hoopla: Forget I said that last part. Just look for clues and things like that.
Stanley: Uhh… well… do you really trust me?
Hoopla: I trust you more than myself. It looks like I just end up breaking everything important.
Stanley: Yeah…
Hoopla: Now, what causes places to become abandoned?
Stanley: A virus?
Hoopla: Maybe, but we don’t have any right now.
Stanley: Natural disaster?
Hoopla: Probably would’ve heard it on the news by now.
(Stanley starts looking around)
Hoopla: Oh who am I kidding, this isn’t getting anywhere. “I found a clue!” Haha, I wish. N-
Stanley: Hey, I found a clue!
Hoopla: Really?
Stanley: Yeah. (points to the floor) Right here. It’s an abandoned shoe. It has weird markings on it. “HELP ME”.
Hoopla: That could mean many things. It could mean that person needs help.
Stanley: Exactly. It could be a lead as to why this place is so empty!
Hoopla: (picks up the shoe) Now we need to find out who owns this shoe.
Stanley: And how are we gonna do that?
(Cut to Hoopla and Stanley at the police station with the shoe)
Police man: I don’t know what you want us to do with that.
Hoopla: We’re trying to figure out why everyone has suddenly disappeared from here.
Police man: I know why, but… I can’t tell anyone. I pinky promised. Crossed my heart, hoped to die.
Hoopla: Huh???
Police man: Sorry, I can’t help you here. Go on now, kiddos.
(Hoopla and Stanley leave the police station, confused)
Hoopla: Why couldn’t he tell me? (gasp) Was he blackmailed?
Stanley: Possibly. All we can do is just keep looking for clues.
Hoopla: I’ll keep looking. Hey, can you hold onto the shoe for me? (he gives Stanley the shoe)
Stanley: Sure.
(Soon afterwards, the shoe disintegrates in Stanley’s hands)
Stanley: Oh no. OH NO! THE EVIDENCE IS GONE!
Hoopla: Huh?
Stanley: I think I just destroyed important evidence!
Hoopla: Not you too! WHY ARE WE SO CLUMSY?
Stanley: I don’t know!
Hoopla: (sighs) We have to be careful from now on. (points to the general store) I’m gonna get us some gloves. Don’t touch anything until I get back.
Stanley: Aye-aye.
(Hoopla heads off back to the general store for gloves. Stanley stands around, kicking pebbles off the ground)
Stanley: I’m such a loser. Clumsy loser…
(He then notices that some of the rocks have a greenish glow to them)
Stanley: Huh? (he rubs his eyes) These rocks are green? How?
(Stanley reaches up to pick one of them up, but resists himself)
Stanley: No! Not until Hoopla comes back!
(Silence)
Stanley: Maybe one couldn’t hurt…
(Stanley tries to carefully pick up one of the rocks, and succeeds)
Stanley: Hooray, I did it!
(The rock then disintegrates, and the other rocks suddenly disappear)
Stanley: What? NOOOOO!
Hoopla: Hey, I’m back.
Stanley: AHHHH! Where did you come from?
Hoopla: I just got here. I was right behind you.
Stanley: Oh… I see.
Hoopla: Any other clues?
Stanley: (embarrassed) No…
Hoopla: Well we gotta keep looking. Otherwise, we’ll never be in the know!
Stanley: I hate not being in the know.
Hoopla: (looking at the ground) I swear there were rocks or something here before. Did you get rid of them?
Stanley: I think they got rid of themselves…
Hoopla: Stanley, are you lying?
Stanley: No…… maybe. IT WAS ME, OKAY? I’M WORTHLESS! All I do is destroy things! I can’t hardly do anything!
Hoopla: Wait a second… I just realized. You’re right. All you do is destroy things. 
Stanley: Yeah… it is all I’m able to do.
Hoopla: But… that’s what we’ve been doing wrong. If we put our heads together, we just might be able to accomplish something. Our clumsiness may just cancel each other out- and it’ll turn into luck instead.
Stanley: You’re right. We need to work together.
Hoopla: That’s the spirit! Now, taste the substance. There might be a clue there.
Stanley: Taste what substance?
Hoopla: Uh oh, I forgot the plot! Sorry, I’m just hungry. 
Stanley: Well I do have this Krabby Patty I’ve been keeping for a hot day. (he pulls the patty out of his pocket) Don’t know why it’s all glowing green now. It’s like those rocks I found earlier.
Hoopla: Eureka! You did it! 
Stanley: Oh my God! I didn’t make a mistake! This is the best day of my life!
Hoopla: Alright, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Now, why would this patty be glowing in the first place? What… glows… green…?
Stanley: (gasps) I got it!
Hoopla: What? What is it?
Stanley: Not what, it’s who.
Hoopla: Well? Who is it?
Stanley: The Flying Dutchman. I met him in Chernobyl.
Hoopla: I’ve met a Flying Dutchman before. I had this Dutch classmate I threw out the window. He died on impact.
Stanley: I’m sorry to hear that.
Hoopla: Before dying, he said he was a shex offender, whatever that means. But where would we even find the Flying Dutchman anyway?
Stanley: Well he has a ship up in the sky. We just gotta find that.
Hoopla: You do know how hard that would be, right? It’d be like finding a needle in a haystack!
Stanley: It’s the spooky season. He can’t be that far off. Probably giving the kids their daily haunts.
Hoopla: Still, he could be anywhere right now!
Stanley: Do you know someone who could help us?
Hoopla: No, why would anyone know how to find the- actually I have one idea of who can.
(Cut to Hoopla and Stanley at Simon’s place)
Simon: You want me to locate the Flying Dutchman?
Stanley: Of course.
Simon: Who are you anyway? You’re definitely not SpongeBob, that’s for sure?
Stanley: I’m his cousin Stanley.
Simon: Ah I see. Don’t touch anything, please.
Hoopla: So can you help us find the Flying Dutchman?
Simon: Yeah, sure. Just gotta fire up my GhostHunter 5000 I made last October. I used this tech to make the device that brought Scooter “back”.
Stanley: How convenient.
Simon: I know, right? Now just hang tight.
(Simon turns on the machine)
Simon: Wait a second, I forgot I need his DNA to be able to track him. I don’t supposed either of you have anything I can-
(Stanley gives Simon the Krabby Patty from earlier)
Simon: -give me. Didn’t expect that.
(Simon puts the patty into the machine, and it quickly spits out a green GPS)
Stanley: Whoa!
Hoopla: He sure is smart, isn’t he?
Simon: Yeah, I’m pretty sure I am. Now you can take the GPS and track him down. Why do you need to track him anyway?
Stanley: We’re solving a mystery.
Simon: Oh you silly, meddling kids. Go on now.
Hoopla: You know I’m not a kid.
Simon: Well, compared relatively to each other, you are.
Hoopla: Dude… how old are you?
Simon: Not important.
(Bubble transition to Hoopla and Stanley walking towards the GPS signal)
Hoopla: I can’t believe we’re about to solve this mystery!
Stanley: Me neither! I actually accomplished something today!
Hoopla: Yeah, let’s get that dutchman!
Narrator: Five long minutes later…
(Hoopla’s GPS is now beeping wildly)
Hoopla: He should be right in this area…
(The Dutchman’s ship is seen flying overhead, and both of them look up)
Stanley: There he is! How do we get his attention?
Hoopla: Hold on, I got this. DUTCHY! YOUR SOCK SMELLS LIKE MY BATHROOM AFTER MY DAD USES IT!
Dutchman: WHAT?!
(He teleports to Hoopla)
Dutchman: Who dares diss my dining sock?!
Hoopla: Me.
Dutchman: YOU! WHY?!
Hoopla: We have a right to believe you’re up to something.
Dutchman: Well my ship is up, is that what you’re thinking of? (laughs)
Stanley: Uhh… Hoopla? You hear that?
(Faint screaming from the ship in the sky is heard)
Hoopla: Yeah, now that you mention it.
Dutchman: Oh it’s nothing, just some souls I’ve prepared to reap at midnight, that’s all.
Hoopla: You… YOU DID THIS!
Dutchman: What? I do this every year! Although I don’t think I’ve been here before.
Hoopla: This is our turf, Dutchman! And you’re messing with it!
Dutchman: Yeah? And? Do you dare threaten the (lightning strike) FLYING DUTCHM-
(Hoopla throws the GPS at the Dutchman, but since he is ghost, it goes right through him and breaks the GPS)
Dutchman: HA! You thought that would actually hit me? I’m a ghost, don’t you see?!
Hoopla: Uhh… yeah I do.
Stanley: HEY DUTCHMAN DORK!
Dutchman: What do you want, dollar store SpongeBob?
(Stanley pulls out something else glowing green from his pocket; it’s a half-eaten burrito)
Stanley: I got diarrhea from this thing! Take THIS!
(Stanley throws the green burrito at the Dutchman, and it blinds him)
Dutchman: AHH! DAMN IT! I hate getting stuff in my eyes!
(The Dutchman desperately tries to get the beans from the burrito out of his eyes. He eventually gets them out)
(Meanwhile, on the Dutchman’s ship…)
Fred: MY SOUL! It’s gonna leave my body TONIGHT! I can’t take this anymore!
Shubie: You think you have it bad? I already sold my soul to Satan and had to buy it back!
Fred: Okay, that one’s on you.
(Silence)
Fred: Should we try to escape? The Dutchman hasn’t been here for the past half hour.
(More silence. Then, everyone jumps off the ship)
Dutchman: Ahh, much better. Now if you excuse me, I need to get back to reaping my hard-earned souls.
(The Dutchman flies back up to his ship, only to realize that all of his caged souls have escaped)
Hoopla: He’s gonna get mad for sure.
Stanley: Let’s just get out of here before something bad happens.
(Hoopla and Stanley run away as the Dutchman starts cursing, albeit censored. Cut to Hoopla’s beach house, where he and Stanley wish each other farewell)
Hoopla: Farewell, Stanley. You did a great job out there.
Stanley: You too, Hoopla dude. I’ll see you again some other day.
(Hoopla waves Stanley goodbye as he clumsily walks away)
Hoopla: Ahh, mission accomplished. Y’know, maybe not being very popular is a good thing. I mean I already have friends, I have my own home, I already saved the world, etc etc. (he hops into bed) I think I can sleep easy tonight.
(The episode ends as he starts to snore hooplas in his sleeps)
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