Thanksgiving with the Ogres

My tooth wobbled in my aching gums as I slid my tongue over it. I've had this tooth since I was 9 years old. It's apart of me and it falls out, apart of me dies with it. I'm not in the mood for a big dinner with my family with this tooth pain this wretched, so I'll cancel going to Thanksgiving dinner this year. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and made the call. I'm sure my mother will be very understan-- "What do you mean I'm a baby? There's no way I can eat Nana's green bean casserole with this tooth pain! --No it's not an excuse. Yes I know I canceled last year too, but that's because the hospital was busy that day. And you know what, even if I didn't have this tooth pain I still wouldn't show up because you guys are jerks! I rather spend Thanksgiving with total strangers at this point." My mother hung up shortly there after. Nobody knows what it's like to be me. People think that just because I'm a doctor I must be invincible.
I slammed the mailbox after pulling out what appears to be a crappy Thanksgiving card. I ripped the envelope open and pulled out a ca-- a letter. A brown letter that felt scratchy and smelled like Thanksgiving leftovers sitting in someone's stomach for a week. Must be from my imprisoned uncle. My eyes glided, reading the contents. Eyebrows raised and mouth agape, I didn't even notice my tooth pain. If what this letter is saying is true, then I must stick to my word. The next day on Thanksgiving I prepared a green bean casserole and got in my truck following the GPS coordinates on the letter. Hopefully my "long lost family" are decent people.
I parked my 4x4 in the sludgey swamp mud and stepped out holding the tray of green bean casserole. I hope my long-lost relatives like it! I dragged my boots through the mud as I reached the front of the large hut. It legit looked like it came straight out of a fairy-tail or a Dreamworks movie. The atmosphere was so rich and repugnant that I had a sense of dread a Smash Mouth song would play any second. Hand trembling, I gently knocked on the door. When the door swung open, a big shadow loomed over me. I instantly dropped my green bean casserole. "Ooo, mud casserole! You really know us already, Tim! Come on in!" the 9 ft. tall ogre said. Heart pounding and kidneys emptied, I turned to scurry away, but the ogre reached out and pulled the back of my shirt with two fingers larger than my hands. "Ahh, don't eat me!" "Eat you? Yuck! Humans taste gross." The orge said, pulling me inside the hut as I blacked out from fear.
I awoke to a family of green ogres hovering over me. "Sorry lad, did we scare ya? Seeing your extended family for the first time ever must be quite the experience!" an ogre with puffy hair and an eyepatch said. "O-ogres aren't real... They're only in movies. This must be a movie -- a really bad one!" "This ain't no movie, Timmy!" a female ogre said. "I guess we haven't given you ogre hospitality yet. I'm Drake the Ogre," the ogre wearing an eyepatch said. "I'm Big Brenda," the female ogre said. "I'm Grandpa Ogre", "I'm Granny Ogre," "and I'm Shrek. Just kiddin', it's Jack," the ogres all said. Thankfully, a talking donkey voiced by Eddie Murphy wasn't among these beings.
I arose from the floor and faced them. They were all much taller and greener than me. "How am I even related to a family of ogres?" "You're our cousin, four times removed. We couldn't believe it either, but it's true!" I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Take a seat while I prepare the soup. Get to know the family!" Big Brenda said. I sat at the table feeling not like a total stranger, but an alien. Still trying to process that ogres are real. "So what it's like living in them human cities? Is mud bathin' a custom there?" Grandpa Ogre asked. "Uhhh, no. I'm a doctor. I help people with medical problems." "Good! Maybe you can help me with my teeth!" Granny Ogre said before lifting her flaps up, revealing a colony of maggots in her gums. I gawked away and gasped in disgust. "N-no... I'm not a dentist." "Same thing!" Granny Ogre said. "Excuse me, I need to use the porta potty." Jack said.
Big Brenda came in holding a wooden bowl of green slime and frog legs sticking out of it. "Good lord!" I said without even realizing it. "Tim, where are your manners?" Granny Ogre said. "S-sorry" I said, tightening my throat. "It's okay, just say 'good ogre' from now on." Big Brenda scooped the frog soup out with her bare hand and began shlocking it on the ogres' plates. Drake stuck his big tongue out and licked the plate without touching it. Grandpa Ogre trimmed his beard off with pliers and mixed it in the sloshy green mess. I glanced away as I felt bile rise in my throat. "I added some of your mud pie casserole in it!" Brenda said before slapping the green garbage on my plate. My stomach churned as the stench of dead frog filled my nostrils. If my nose had legs, it would run away. Bad thing I don't have a runny nose.
"Alright, Tim, give us a piece of you so we can stuff it inside the swamp turkey!" Brenda said. "Uh, what?" I stammered. "It's family tradition." Brenda said, followed by Drake saying "Couple years ago I sacrificed my eyeball. Last year Grandpa chose to saw off his foot. How about you give us your nose? It's quite large and probably has tons of boogers in it!" Drake said. "Uh, I think I left my truck running," I said before hurrying to the door. Brenda pushed me back with her massive hand and spun me around. "You mus'nt leave! We invited you since every other family member already donated a piece of them. Now it's your turn!" Brenda said. "Such bad manners. For shame!" Granny Ogre said. "You're not my family, this is all a big sham to eat me!" 
Drake and Brenda pinned me down, sealing my fate for good. To make matters worse, Granny Ogre lumbered her way over to me and hit my knee over and over again with her ogre cane. "I say we get his nose!" Drake said before wrapping his huge thumb and finger around my nose. Just before he could rip it off, the sound of a wheezing old ogre caught our attention. Grandpa Ogre laid slumped on the floor gripping his wide chest. "Goodness, Brenda get your ogre medical kit and save our ogre grandpa!" Drake cried. "Wait, I'm a doctor!" I said. With the ogres off of me, I sprinted to attend the dying old ogre on the floor. No pulse. I pressed my hands on his chest to get him breathing again. Still no pulse. His body was just too large. I curled my fingers and began punching the old bastard in the chest with all my might. "He's killing him!" Granny Ogre cried. Drake lunged forward and tackled me. My breath shrunk as the 1,000 pound ogre crushed me to death. Just then, Grandpa Ogre coughed. Drake got off me to attend his grandpa. 
"Grandpa?" "Cough... It's me... I was worried I wouldn't be able to taste a part of Tim!" Brenda and Drake looked back at me. My eyes widened. Oh no. They're coming back for more! As they approached me, I noticed there was nothing in the spot my tooth was. I looked down and saw my tooth on the floor. I went to reach for it, but Drake swooped it up. "Please give it back, it's a part of me!" "And that's exactly why it's going in the swamp turkey," Drake said. Oh well, at least he doesn't want my nose anymore.
I begrudgingly ate the swamp turkey with my grinded up tooth sprinkled on it like salt. It was actually a nice family dinner. I felt more loved by the ogres than I do my "real" family. "That was great, lads. Hope I can stop by next year!" I said while holding a plate of leftovers. "Hey, you're stepping under the onion missletoe!" Brenda said. Oh no. Brenda approached me holding a large bull frog. "Go on, give it a kiss!" Fearing what might happen if I reject, I kissed the frog on the lips. I then hurried to my truck and drove back home.
The next day, I woke up feeling green. I touched my ears but they didn't feel human... They felt non-human. I'm not even gonna look in the mirror cause it might break just by my hideous reflection. It's all ogre now.
Don't kiss frogs.
Category:Thanksgiving