The Last Resort/transcript

Next Episode: Labyrinth Afterlife
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: May 12, 2001
Episode Copyrighted: 2001
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
Episode starts with Squidward laying on his couch, sipping his coffee, while "Aloha Oe" plays. Shots of Squidward's house shaded in oranges to match the sunrise.
Squidward Tentacles: Ah, Squiddy! It's a Sunday mornin'...got my freshly brewed coffee, and Sponge–! *lurches in surprise, realizing a knock at the door* Ugh, don't they know it's Sunday morning!  It's the only time I'm not surrounded by idiots or grease! Sometimes I wish I could have a...
Music stops. Squidward is cut off by himself opening the door, only to see SpongeBob handing him his mail.
Squidward Tentacles: *glances at the mail* ...free vacation...! *slams the door on SpongeBob and lays down on the couch, reading the ad*
Lori Loud: *comes in* Hey Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Hey Lori. Maybe a vacation could soothe my need for awayness. Maybe I could finally accomplish some of my dreams, like, having an ice-skating play involving classical music and the hurtfulness of rock!  Ah, that would be nice. I wonder where it's going. *continues reading*
Camera scrolls down to, where it says "with the purchase of two other tickets".
Squidward Tentacles: WHAT THE?! Two other purchases!? Where am I gonna find– *grimaces*
He hears a knock at his door.
Squidward Tentacles: What does someone have to do to get some peace and quiet around here! *opens the door, and sees SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni with a long stick shoved through both of their heads* I don't wanna know.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hiya Squidward!  You wanna play 'Stab the Brain' with us?
Squidward Tentacles: I'm already seeing a problem with your game...
Lincoln Loud: What's that, Squidward?
Squidward Tentacles: *head enlarges* YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE ANY BRAINS!!!
Patrick Star: That's not true, Squidward! Look!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *stomps Patrick's foot like a garbage can
His head flaps open.
Patrick Star: *digs around inside and pulls out a microscope*
Squidward Tentacles: That's a microscope, Patrick.
Patrick Star: I call it a brain seeing tool. *hands Squidward the microscope and holds out my hand*
Leni Loud: OMGosh, Squidward! Take a look!
We see what Squidward can see through the microscope, which is a microscopic sized brain.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, you proved me wrong, didn't you? Now go away, I'm trying to find two people who could vacation with us!
Lincoln Loud: Oh, okay Squidward!
SpongeBob SquarePants: C'mon Patrick.
Patrick Star: *bends over and lifts Squidward's house*
Lori Loud: Patrick! What the heck are you doing?
Patrick Star: Looking for my donut I lost yesterday...
Lori Loud: *angrily* And stay out!
Squidward Tentacles: *slams my door, causing Patrick to be crushed under my house*
Squidward Tentacles: I only need strong, able bodied people to vacation with, and then my loading would be set. If they were stupid, I could make them cater to my every whim! Waaaait– *rushes to my door and opens it, to see Patrick*
He is struggling to get his head out from under Squidward's house.
Lori Loud: SpongeBob! Patrick! Lincoln! Leni! Would you guys like to go on vacation with us?
Lincoln Loud: Ooh! Where, Lorrie?
Lori Loud: Umm, uh, on the paper it says "The Great Barrier Reef."
Patrick Star: I'm not sure if that fits our particular style.
Squidward Tentacles: It says "Here You Get Free Peanuts During Flight!"
Patrick Star: It's a deal!
Lori Loud: Deal!
Squidward Tentacles and Lori Loud: *leads SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni inside*
They start picking up his stuff and loading it into suitcases.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where do you want all this stuff Lori?
Lori Loud: In your hands.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aye, aye, captain!
Patrick Star: Where do you want this lava lamp, Squidward?
Squidward Tentacles: Ugh! Let me see that?  Did you crack it!?
Patrick Star: *hands Squidward the lamp*
Squidward Tentacles: *drops it*
The lava melts a hole in his floor.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, uh, ignore that.
Leni, Lincoln Loud, Patrick Star and SpongeBob SquarePants: I think we're done, Squidward and Lori!
Lori Loud: Good, now we can literally set off for the Sea Port!
Suddenly, the lava rises.
SpongeBob SquarePants: HUH!? *lurches in surprise* Uh, S-s-squidward? I've never flown before!  
Squidward Tentacles: This isn't so bad, SpongeBob!  Why are you afraid of it?
Leni Loud: Ooh, Shin Noodle Soup Base.
Lincoln Loud: Leni, This isn't Shin Noodle Soup Base. It's lava.
Dramatic music plays.
Squidward Tentacles: Everyone, run for your lives!
Everybody starts panicking and climbs to the shelf while the lava is rising.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln, Lori, Leni Loud: *screams*
SpongeBob SquarePants: That is kind of familiar.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln, Lori, Leni Loud: *screams*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Guys, what are we gonna do?!
Squidward Tentacles: There's no way out! *trips by the lava lamp, then falls in lava and screams*
Squidward is falling in lava, then the lava is burning him.
Squidward Tentacles: *gets burned by lava and screams breaking through ceiling*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I try to stay away from situations where I am at a height where I fall in lava, you know? I have no power over my own life! And then there's also crashing!!!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh well.
Lincoln Loud: Come on Squidward, you can do it! Get the rope!
Squidward Tentacles: Okay, here it goes. *gets down the rope*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Everybody, climb to the roof before the lava rises more.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Lori, Leni Loud: *climbs the rope to the roof*
Screen cuts to the roof.
Patrick Star: You can be in the cargo bay if it helps! 
Lori Loud: *inner thought* If SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are in cargo, I could have the whole first class wing to myself because it's literally a seaplane.
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah! I'm sure that'll help, Lincoln!
Lincoln Loud: Sounds good to me!
Patrick Star: The sound wasn't the best for me, cause I don't have ears.
Suddenly, the lava burns Squidward's house.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh no!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln, Lori, Leni Loud: *climbs down*
The lava splashes everywhere.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Lincoln, Lori, Leni Loud: *screams in horror and runs from lava*
Squidward Tentacles: My house! It's burning!
Leni Loud: We're safe now, guys!
Slide transition, Squidward is with Lori in first class.
Squidward Tentacles: Ah, Lori! You've really done it this time! First class, and first place in brains in SpongeBrain Pat, Linc and Leni's case!
Lori Loud: Hello relaxation, hello sleep, hello–
Record scratch is heard.
Lincoln Loud: *voice from under Squidward* Hey Squidward! Can you hear me?
Squidward Tentacles: *unamused* Hello, Lincoln. What do you want?
Lincoln Loud: Just checking in on your voyage!
Patrick Star: Hey Lori, you promised Peanuts!
Lori Loud: Oh...uh...
Patrick Star: THINGS ARE GONNA GET CRAZY IF I DON'T GET MY NUTS!!!
Lori Loud: Here, lemme just-
Patrick Star: CRAAAZY!!! *grabs a drill and drills a hole.
His eye can poke through and see Lori.
Lori Loud: *jams a Peanut bag in the hole, then the bag disappears* What happened to the peanuts?
Lincoln Loud: Patrick inhaled them.
Lori Loud: Whatever pleases the nimrods. *fills up the hole with other peanuts*
Patrick Star: *inhales the Peanuts*
Lori Loud: What the?!
Patrick Star: *fills hole again*
Lori's face starts drooping.
Time card reading: "Several Peanut Inhalings Later..."
French Narrator: Several peanut inhalings later...
Flight Pilot: Okay, little fishies. QWe have arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, home of the greatest barrier reef of them all.
Lori Loud: Oh, great! We're here! Time for beautiful sites, and luxury hotels!
Patrick Star: Hey, get away from me! LLLLLOOOORRRRII!!!
Squidward Tentacles: And waiting for luggage...
Slide transition, Squidward and Lori are waiting at the baggage claim.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *come out of the box with dangly things*
Squidward and Lori grab them and their luggages.
Squidward Tentacles: We always knew you guys were extra weight.
They step out of the claim, into the reef, which has bright shades of pink and blue and red.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are we gonna do first here Lori!?
Lori Loud: Why don't we find our hotel?
SpongeBob SquarePants: On the pamphlet, it says Tentacle Resorts.  
Squidward Tentacles: We get to go to a resort! They have pools!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pools.
Lincoln Loud: Pools.
Squidward Tentacles: Food.
Lori Loud: Food.
Patrick Star: Food?!
Leni Loud: Like?! *shocked* Dang it, I said a different word!
Squidward Tentacles: And most of all, luxury art and rooms and there's an art museum right across the street!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: Art!
Squidward Tentacles: Now, let's just see what's around here.
Squidward Tentacles and Lori Loud: *looks around and sees a Landfood resteraunt*
Lori Loud: Hey, guys. Aren't you hungry? Why don't we go to the Landfood restaurant over there?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ooh!  I've never had Landfood before!
Lincoln Loud: Me too! Me too!
Patrick Star: I've had all the food on Earth.
Leni Loud: I've eaten shrimp before.
Lori Loud: All at the same time?
Patrick Star: Yes.
Slide transition.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, that "soda" was pretty good!
Leni Loud: It makes me so bouncy. *starts to jitter and bounces all up against the walls until crashing into Squidward, crushing him against the wall*
Squidward Tentacles: You simphering buffoon! Can you not ju— *lurches in realization and then begins to smile*
Lori Loud: Why don't you guys go down to the pool?
Lincoln Loud: Great idea, Squidward!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *rushes out of the room*
Squidward Tentacles: And leave an octopus to his peace. *literally deflates onto the chair and turns on ballet*
Lincoln Loud: Ya know Leni, maybe we should just stay down here and leave Squidward and Lori alone.  
Leni Loud: That's not a bad idea, Linky. How about we just stay down here for three days!
Lincoln Loud: That seems logical to me!
Time card reading: "Three Days Later..."
French Narrator: Three days later...
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *looks like prunes*
They are all shrivelled up and wrinkly.
Lincoln Loud: My watch says it's been three days.
SpongeBob SquarePants: My watch wrinkled into nothingness.
Lincoln Loud: SpongeBob, this is ridiculous! If that were to actually happen, it would make a black hole!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, Lincoln! Where'd ya learn that? *to Patrick* Patrick?
Patrick Star: Uuhhhhhhhhhhhh… *starts drooling until the pool overflows*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *gets out a cork and plugs Patrick's mouth with it*
Water starts gushing out of his bellybutton.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *gets out another cork and plugs on Patrick even his pupils*
Patrick Star: *begins to shake, and all the corks fly out at once*
Patrick is grabbing SpongeBob, rocket up into Lori and Leni's room.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud *looks at Squidward and Lori*
Squidward Tentacles and Lori Loud: *doesn't move*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh, guys, have Squidward and Lori moved.
Patrick Star: Hmmm... well.... *pulls out a sheet of paper with angles and graphs on it, then studies carefully, until saying:* I don't know.
Lincoln Loud: *snaps in Squidward's face* Squidward? Guys! We've gotta get Squidward outta his trance!
Leni Loud: And Lori too!
Patrick Star: Okay. *pulls out Battle Axe and leans back and gets ready to swing*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, okay okay. How about we do it less insanely?
Lincoln Loud: I'm on it! *swings a bucket in the air, and it fills with water which is poured out onto Squidward*
Lori Loud: Huh? Pool boring?
Squidward Tentacles: You were only gone for like five minutes. Maybe you should go on back.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward! We've been down there for three days.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, why don't we hide and just go out into the city! I've only been watching TV!
TV is a staticy screen.
Leni Loud: I don't blame you Squidward, it is totes a pretty good show.
Squidward Tentacles: The TV is broken, you dim-wit.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *yanks on Squidward*
Lincoln Loud: *yanks on Lori* We gotta go!
SpongeBob's arms snap off.
Squidward Tentacles: Ok, maybe you're right. *tries to get up but sits so long*
He is stuck.
Squidward Tentacles: Uh I'm stuck!
Lori Loud: Me too!
Patrick Star: Lemme help!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *grabs Squidward's nose*
The dramatic music increases until the music ends and Squidward's nose comes off.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, lemme get that for you! *picks up Squidward's nose and sticks it on his forehead*
Patrick Star: Now that's what I call art!
Lori Loud: JUST GET US OUTTA HERE!!!
Leni Loud: We already did, if we did it again the writers would have to rewrite the same gag about your nose.
Squidward Tentacles: *gets angry* ENOUGH WITH THE WALL!!! JUST PULL ME OUTTA THIS CHAIR BEFORE THE BED-CHECK COMES! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUTTA HERE... *eyes pop out* FOUR MINUTES AGO!!!
Lincoln Loud: Relax, Squidward. If there were a bed-check guy around, we'd saw his footsteps.
Patrick Star: *screams* And he'd hear us screaming!
Squidward Tentacles: *whispers* Shut up you simphering buffoon!
Lori Loud: Yeah, nice going, twerp!
SpongeBob SquarePants: How about we just hoist up the chair?
Patrick Star: Sounds stupid, let's do it!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *hoist the chair*
They start carrying him out. Footsteps is heard.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh no! I hear footsteps!
Lincoln Loud: It must be the bed-check!
Leni Loud: Or disembodied feet!
Bed-Check: *whistles*
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can hear his demonic whistle of doom!
When SpongeBob says doom, there is a thunder-crack sound.
Squidward Tentacles: Quick, hide in this art-gallery!
Screen cuts to the Bed-Check, who is whistling, who walks by a display of a statue, which is really SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Lincoln, Lori and Leni posing like they are riding a horse.  SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are the horse, and Squidward and Lori are the riders.
Bed-Check: Sometimes I wonder how they even choose the "art" that goes in this place!
When saying art, he does finger quotes. As Bed-Check walks away, SpongeBob says...
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hurry Squidward and Lori! My back is giving out!
Patrick Star: Yeah! *hears my bone crack sound*
Lincoln Loud: *hears breaking my bone ankle* Ow!
Leni Loud: *hears breaking my spine* Guys, my back hurts!
All of them topple to the ground, causing the bed-check to look back, but the six disappear after the cut to the bed-check.
Bed-Check: Stupid art.
SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are carrying Squidward and Lori to the exit, until they are cut-off by Fred.
Fred Rechid: Hey, Squidward! Long time no see! Why are you hanging around those two neanderthals?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *runs over Fred*
Fred Rechid: My leg!
SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are carrying Squidward and Lori, run into a doorway, hitting Squidward's head.
Squidward Tentacles: You guys are my favorite potato beverage! *goes unconscious*
Leni Loud: Now's our chance to rip them out! People totes don't feel pain when they're sleeping, right guys?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Leni, that's totally false, though it does hurt less. Let's give it a whirl!
Patrick Star: WHERE'S THE WHIRLPOOL!?!?
Slide transition cuts to SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni grabbing Squidward and Lori's head, and they both grab it and run, Squidward and Lori's neck stretches, but eventually snaps back. Slide transition cuts again.
Patrick Star: *grabs the chair*
Lincoln Loud: *grabs Squidward's nose*
They run in opposite directions. They keep running until they run all the way around the world, and they are tied up in Squidward and Lori's neck. Slide transition cuts again, Squidward's nose is tied to a golf cart, labelled "Gatergolf," that drives away and rips Squidward and Lori's head off.
Lincoln Loud: Uhhh...well at least part of them is off! *looks at Squidward and Lori cutting their heads off* AHHHHHHHHH!
While Lincoln is still screaming there is a slide transition cut to Krusty Krab.
Squidward Tentacles: Order up, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *steps out of the kitchen with the order*
Camera zooms out to reveal Squidward's head taped to a broom-stick.
Squidward Tentacles: Your change is $2.50.
His head falls off the stick. Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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