Reopening Plan

Reopening Plan is the pilot episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on March 13, 2021.
==Plot==
Residents of Bikini Bottom plan how to reopen Bikini Bottom High School, though Mr. Lobster, Mr. Pineapple, Mr. Pepperchicken, and Mr. Renaud are more concerned with renaming the school after who they think is the legitimate president.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at the Bikini Bottom High School Auditorium.]
Mr. Perkins: [reporting from the scene] As the spring draws near, schools that have been in a fully physically closed or hybrid state since the Plague began are now preparing to reopen. However, this is a divisive issue—some parents want their kids to attend school the way they did before the pandemic, while others argue that schools should remain closed for the time being. We’re broadcasting a meeting at Bikini Bottom High School where residents and faculty will plan on how to reopen, starting right now!
Mr. Apple: [pounds his gavel] Today, we will plan reopening—
[Mr. Lobster walks in.]
Mr. Lobster: Sorry I’m late, I was just inspecting the high school logo at the entrance.
Mr. Apple: Why? Wait, I don’t care, just take your seat—
Mr. Lobster: Because I have a great proposal!
Mr. Apple: About reopening?
Mr. Lobster: Nope. I propose we rename this place to OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL!
Mr. Tentacles: Memorial? He’s still alive—
Mr. Lobster: [grits his teeth] And I’m sure you don’t want him staying that way, you SAVAGE MARXIST C**T—
Mr. Apple: YOU! Cease the profanity at once!
Mr. Lobster: My apologies.
Mr. Tentacles: Apologizing for profanity, huh? How about you instead apologize to all the victims of your terrorism?
Mr. Pineapple: Why apologize for terrorism?
Mr. Apple: Squidward, our curriculum glorifies terrorism, so apologizing for that is ridiculous. But if you use profanity and don’t repent, you’re going to Hell, where I hear that you can’t rape blueberries!
Mr. Lobster: Exactly. 
Mr. Pineapple: Anyways, Mr. R’Onion and I have a similar proposal: we rename this place to President Jim R’Onion & Vice President Travis Pineapple Memorial High School!
Mr. Tentacles: But—
Mr. Pineapple: Oh shut up, you sell-out!
Mr. Pepperchicken: My proposal is to rename this place to President Timothy Pepperchicken Memorial High School!
Mr. Renaud: My proposal is to rename this place to President Paul Renaud Memorial Child Pornography Studio!
Mr. Apple: I will take these four proposals into serious consideration.
Mr. Tentacles: Shouldn’t we focus on reopening?
Mr. Apple: These are far more pressing matters!
Mr. Tentacles: Reopening is an extremely pressing matter! Biden says he expects schools to submit their plans this week, and we haven’t even started! We can’t just listen to four political extremists talk about a “memorial” that would take long to achieve if the majority of Bikini Bottom supports, which they don’t! You are wasting so much time—
Mr. Apple: EXCUSE ME. Did you just say that I, a fruit, an epitome of productivity, am “wasting so much time”?
Mr. Tentacles: Yes!
Mr. Apple: You really are a cun—conniving individual. Larry, throw him out.
Mr. Tentacles: You’re gonna throw me out, huh? I’m the voice of reason—
Mr. Lobster: Then you don’t belong here!
[Mr. Lobster grabs Mr. Tentacles and throws him out of the building.]
Mr. Apple: Now that Mr. Tentacles has been taken care of, let’s talk about reopening.
Mr. Lobster: Nope.
Mr. Apple: [irritated] Don’t make me lose my patience.
Mr. Lobster: THERE’S NO PATIENCE WHEN IT COMES TO MEMORIALIZING OUR ONE TRUE FUCKING—Sorry.
Mr. Apple: Who here believes we should return to regular physical school just like one before the pandemic?
Mr. Krabs: I’m all for it! I don’t trust Pearl in me house when I’m at work. She would ditch her “virtual school”, take all me money out of me mattress, and spend it on things like that “healthy food” she’s always whining about! I want her out of me house!
Mr. Apple: Who here believes that virtual school should continue for a little while longer?
Mr. Rechid: My leg has been broken numerous times during this pandemic. I don’t want my son’s leg being broken even once, and until this pandemic ends, I want him in my house!
Mr. Krabs: I don’t see why my daughter should be in virtual school because you want your son to!
Mr. Rechid: I don’t see why my son should be in physical school because you want your daughter to!
Mr. Apple: Alright, I have a compromise! Parents can decide whether their kid goes to school or stays in “virtual school”.
Mr. Krabs & Mr. Rechid: Fine.
Mr. Renaud: [gets out of his seat] You can’t do that! 
Mr. Apple: And why not? 
Mr. Renaud: I need the whole CPTV crew with me! How are we supposed to shoot if we have a whole bunch of people sitting on their asses at home?! 
Mr. Apple: Any other objections? 
[Silence.]
Mr. Apple: Well, since Mr. Renaud is the only one who disagrees, I’ll type this compromise up at the Library so I can send it to President Biden, who will approve this plan.
[Mr. Apple heads to the School Library and opens his computer.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well shit, he basically shut us down. Once the illegitimate president approves it, our efforts will go to waste! What do we do now?
Mr. Renaud: Hmm...I’m good with computers, just as I’m good with children.
Mr. Lobster: This calls for a group huddle!
[Mr. Pepperchicken, Mr. Renaud, Mr. Lobster, and Mr. Pineapple take off their masks and huddle together.]
Mr. Lobster: I have the perfect plan!
[A few minutes later, Mr. Renaud heads to the Computer Lab and stares at Mr. Apple, who is walking up to a printer to collect a reopening plan.]
Mr. Apple: Paul, what are you doing?
Mr. Renaud: [nervous] Uh...downloading child porn?
Mr. Apple: Okay, carry on.
[Mr. Apple comes back and signs a reopening plan in front of the crowd, to applause.]
Mr. Apple: I shall now submit this to the President!
Mr. Renaud: I must say, that was a very good compromise!
Mr. Lobster: Indeed. Now all of our presidents shall be honored!
Mr. Apple: Glad to see you guys on board with the reopening plan!
Mr. Renaud: Oh, uh...you don’t know. While we were at the Library, I made a different reopening plan that incorporated all of our ideas, and I disconnected all the computers from the printer except mine, so what you just signed is actually my plan!
Mr. Apple: WHAT [starts reading the Lobster-R’Onion-Pineapple-Renaud-Pepperchicken reopening plan and reads it out loud] “We, the citizens of Bikini Bottom, hereby rename Bikini Bottom High School to Presidents Donald J. Trump, Jim R’Onion (and Vice President Travis Pineapple), Paul Renaud, and Timothy Pepperchicken Memorial High School and Child Pornography Studio.”
Mr. Renaud: Beautiful, isn’t it?
Mr. Apple: [continues reading] “Starting next Monday, every kiddie will physically go to school so they can physically fuck Mr. Renaud. Masks will be banned as they are a symbol of fascism. Furthermore, a gas chamber will be installed for any critics of the memorialized presidents and minorities who dare breathe in the building.”
Mr. Rechid: What in the hell is this? Do something!
Mr. Apple: Alright, maybe I will—
Mr. Lobster: Woah there. We knew you might try to override this, so read the last page.
Mr. Apple: [reading] “To reward our Principal after he led us through this pandemic, the school has created a new job position: the Principal’s Mistress. All holders shall be BLUEBERRIES”—this plan is perfect! In fact, I’ll run to the president to see him approve it!
[The episode ends as Mr. Apple runs to the White House and has Mr. Biden approve the plan.]
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