Lisa's Wedding Transcript

Ned: Zounds! I did thee mightily smitely. 
Ned: "Zounds" is a Renaissance English word, short for "God's wounds"
Ned: but "smitely," that's pure Flanders. 
Smithers: Please call a doctor. 
Bart: These Renaissance fairs are so boring. 
Marge: Oh, really? 
Marge: Did you see the loom? I took loom in high school. 
Cafeteria Lady: Yon meat 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze. 
Homer: Can I have some? 
Cafeteria Lady: Mine ears are open to the pleas, of those who speak ye olde English. 
Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup, upon suckling pig this noon.
Cafeteria Lady: Whatever. 
Homer: I've eaten eight different meats. I'm a true Renaissance man. 
Lisa: I'll go to the first-aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump. 
Chief Wiggum: Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore.
Chief Wiggum: Behold the rarest of the rare the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head. 
Chief Wiggum: And here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax: A horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit. 
Chief Wiggum: It's galloping away.
Lisa: Here, bunny-bunny. Here, bunny. 
Chief Wiggum: Here, "esquilax." 
Lisa: (Giggling) (gasps)
Fortune Teller: I've been waiting for you, Lisa. 
Lisa: ( gasps) How did you know my name? 
Fortune Teller: Your nametag. Would you like to know your future? 
Lisa: Sorry, I don't believe in fortune telling. I should go. 
Fortune Teller: What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie and Marge are at the joust. And Homer is heckling the puppet show. 
Lisa: Wow, you can see into the...present. 
Fortune Teller: Now we'll see what the future holds. 
Lisa: The death card? 
Fortune Teller: No, that's good. It means transition, change. 
Lisa: That's cute. 
Fortune Teller: (Gasps) The happy squirrel. 
Lisa: That's bad? 
Fortune Teller: Possibly. The cards are vague and mysterious. They seem to be revealing the story of your first love. 
Fortune Teller: Do you want me to continue? 
Lisa: Guess so. 
Fortune Teller: It's... It's coming to me. 
Fortune Teller: Yes. I see an eastern university in the year 2010. The world has become a very different place. 
Boy 1: I can't wait to see that play.
Lisa: Hey, watch it. 
Hugh: Watch it. 
Lisa: That man is instantly the most annoying person I've ever met. A soy-based snack will calm me down. 
Lisa: Him again. 
Lisa: Hello. I need Ecosystem of the Marsh by Thompson. 
Receptionist: The last copy was just signed out by... Hugh Parkfield. Oh, there he is. 
Lisa: No. It couldn't be. 
Hugh: Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe. 
Lisa: That's the book I need. You'll probably take forever with it too. 
Hugh: I read faster.
Lisa: I read at a 78th-grade level. 
Hugh: Right here. 
Lisa: Finished this page? 
Hugh: Ages ago. 
Hugh: I'll get the dictionary. 
Lisa: Why? 
Hugh: You'll see. "Stochastic." 
Lisa: Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations. 
Receptionist: First, they hate each other. All of a sudden, they love each other.
Receptionist: Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me.
Teacher: Of course not. You're a robot.
Hugh: I never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey. 
Lisa: He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs. 
Hugh: I can't believe how much we have in common. We're studying the environment, we're utterly humorless about vegetarianism. And we both love the Rolling Stones. 
Lisa: Yes. Not for their music but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings. 
Hugh: Lisa, I can't bear being apart all summer. Come with me to Parkfield Manor. 
Lisa: I'd love to. Can we get vegetarian meals at your parents' house? 
Hugh: Yes, we can, Lisa. 
Lisa: That is good. Because eating animals is wrong. 
Hugh: So very wrong. 
Lisa: When will the world learn?
Hugh: I don't know. I just don't know. 
Lisa: I love these new planes. 
Hugh: Yes. It's a good thing they re-evaluated those wacky old designs. 
Lisa: Beautiful dinnerware, Mrs. Parkfield. 
Mrs. Parkfield: Thank you. They were made for the finest family in Britain. 
Mr. Parkfield: I don't know how we ended up with them. 
Lisa: (Thinking) Uh-Oh Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit or subtle self-pity? They're staring at me. Better respond.
Lisa: (Laughs nervously) 
Mr. Parkfield: It's good to hear a boisterous American laugh. 
Lisa: And I love that painting. Judging by the clothes, I'd say 17th century. 
Mrs. Parkfield: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. 
Uncle Eldred: I get me brain medicines from the National Health. 
Lisa: This place is so enchanting, Hugh. I love it here. 
Hugh: I wanted this to be perfect for you. I know you Americans like everything to be... fireworks. 
Hugh: Oh, blast. Go to plan B. 
Lisa: Yes, I will. 
Stable boy 1: Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love. 
Lisa: Hi, Mom. 
Marge: Lisa. Hello. 
Marge: How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is a "lift" a mile is called a "kilometer," and botulism is "steak-and-kidney pie."
Lisa: Guess what. Hugh and I are getting married. 
Marge: All right! Lisa, that's wonderful.
Marge: If only your father was still with us... but he left for work a few minutes ago.
Lisa: Mom remember when I was little and we'd always plan my dream wedding and you always promised to...you know, well...Keep dad from ruining it
Marge: Oh, don't worry honey, I guarantee your father will behave 
Lisa: Mom, it's a picture phone.
Marge: Oh this? This? Oh no I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz
Lisa: Oh
Marge: Whew
Lisa: Mom Picture phone
Bart: Hi mom. That's great news about Lisa. Well listen I better get back to work
Bart: They're finally paying me for this. Oh yeah. (Evil laughter)
Carl: Yes but the international market is my focus
Homer: Woo-hoo. Ah, Marge that's great news!
Milhouse: Hey, hey there with the personal calls simpson
Homer: Oh, uh but Mr. Milhouse my little girls getting married
Milhouse: Lisa? Oh...My one true love
Lisa: It's not you Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married
Milhouse: (Hysterical sobbing)
Milhouse: I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson
Homer: Oh I got to call everyone and tell them the good news
Homer: Maggie! I need to use the phone
Homer: Will that girl ever shut uo
Homer: Okay Marge I'll plan everything, We can have the reception at Moe's. Wait! Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning, There'll be fewer drunks
Marge: Homer don't take this personally but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding
Homer: Well these seem to be in order, I'll be out back in the hammock
Smithers: "Mr Smithers plus Guest" Huh! there's only one person I would want to bring.
Smithers: Oh Mr. Burns we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back. How we doing boys?
Dr. Frink: Well we're up to fifteen (Cheering)
Tv man: Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You the redhead in the chicago system
Girl 1: Pepsi
Tv man: Partial credit
Skinner: We've been invited to the wedding of our only graduate to read at an adult level.
Hover: It must be Lisa Simpson. Because, of course Martin Prince perished in that Science fair explosion.
Martin: Not quite perished my lady love. Although some days I wish I had
Lisa: Hey I remember you, Mayor Quimby right?
Quimby: Uh no look at this license...I'm Mohammed Jafar.
Otto: Quimby after this fare get your indicated ass out to the convention center
Quimby: I cut the ribbon at that convention center.
Lisa: Just a couple more blocks to my house
Lisa: (Hyperventilating)
Hugh: Lisa, darling don't worry. I'm sure I'll get along with your family. You've so thoroughly prepared me for the worst. As long as they're not squatting in a ditch or poking berries up their noses
Lisa: And if they are?
Bart: Here they come, raise the flag!
Marge: Oh Lisa
Homer: Yo Hugh. Here's a little bit of U.S hospitality. What do you think of that 
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: Aah!
Marge: Now through compost on it 
Homer: Phew. Enjoy
Hugh: Still warm
Homer: You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I've built. Remember if the building inspector comes by it's not a room it's a window box
Lisa: Oh Hugh, Thank you. You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal.
Hugh: Lisa I love you so much, I'm willing to go through everything for you
Lisa: Are you ok?
Hugh: I'm alright Lisa. Fortunately the compost heap broke my fall. Be a dear and run a bath
Marge: Homer, Bart, Maggie, Company eating rules huh?
Homer: Oh, right
Bart: Anyway Hugh there's more to my life than just the wrecking ball. I also crush cars into cubes. An on the side I promote local tough man contests. Basically I'm getting out all my aggression till I go to law school
Homer: So Hugh have you hear all the latest American Jokes? Here's a good one. Pull my finger
Hugh: Oh yes we have that one in England too, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: I said, pull my finger!
Lisa: Mom, we've got my wedding dress fitting this afternoon. Maggie if your not doing anything, why don't you come with us
Marge: Maggie don't talk with your mouth full!
Homer: Me and Bart will take Hugh out on the town this afternoon
Lisa: Hugh should take it easy because of his fall
Hugh: Oh, Lisa, Please. The only thing bruised in that fall was my spine. I'll be delighted
Homer: There's only one thing I ask in return
Hugh: Certainly
Homer: Pull my Finger!
Homer: SO this driving on the left makes you feel more at home huh Hugh?
Kent Brockman: And tonight the following celebrities have been arrested...While heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large. Remember if you see any celebrities consider them dangerous 
Hugh: You know I rather like this pub.
Moe: Oh-ho! An English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War 2
Hugh: Well we saved your ass in World War 3
Moe: That's True
Homer: Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My dad gave me his cuff links on the day I married Marge and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it'd mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive
Hugh: Well I'd be honored, to...wear those...things
Homer: Ah
Bart: Ow. Hey watch those virtual darts I'm trying to play virtual pool
Bar man: Ow! Why you!
Moe: Hey! Hey! No fighting in my bar!
Marge: You know fox turned into a hard core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice. Eesh
Homer: Marge, it's so great to have everyone together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room. The house is full of life again. (Sighs) Keep it down in there!
Lisa: All right Dad! I'm sorry I left you alone with Homer and Bart
Hugh: No, no, honey. We had a fine time.
Lisa: How did you get that gash on your forehead?
Hugh: Oh that was when we hid in the dumpster after the fire alarm went off in the pornographic magazine warehouse.
Lisa: Oh...You are so good to put up with all of this. 
Hugh: Oh don't be silly Lisa. Everything's fine... really. Now go to sleep we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. A big long day
Marge: Lisa, I can't believe it's your wedding day already
Lisa: Mom I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean Milhouse...
Marge: Oh Milhouse doesn't count
Lisa: I've got something old that's my pear necklace. Something new is the wedding dress. Something borrowed is this antique brooch from Hugh's mother. Now I just need something blue
Marge: Here
Lisa: Oh mom Thanks.
Bart: Wow Lisa looking at you makes me want to get married for a third time. I met a really nice exotic dance the other night at Hugh's Bachelor party
Lisa: Hugh didn't have a bachelors party
Bart: We had one in his honor. I had one in his honor. I went to a strip club
Hugh: Well here goes nothing. Mom, Dad, meet....Homer Simpson
Mr. Parkfield: How do you do?
Homer: How are you? Nice to meet you. You know what's great about you English "Octopussy" Man I must have seen that movie...Twice
Hugh: Yes...Yes. Well that's not to bad
Patty: Hey Krabappel. You get in the way of that bouquet, I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck
Mr. Burns: Smithers take me home. I'm not fully defrosted
Smithers: Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment. Here you go. Oh no. We've got a little situation here.
Mr. Burns: I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.
Homer: Ooh-la-la!
Lisa: Hi, Dad
Homer: You look great sweetheart. 
Lisa: Thanks
Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad.
Homer: No, no let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. Your my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person but you're also my daughter. I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than...
Lisa: Dad you're Babbling
Homer: See? You're still helping me 
Lisa: Oh dad did you forget to give those cufflinks to Hugh
Homer: Uh-No
Lisa: Well?
Homer: I found them on the nightstand this morning. I guess they weren't his cup of tea. Don't worry about it 
Lisa: But you've been going on about these all week. I'm sure he just forgot.
Hugh: Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition
Lisa: What about my family's traditions?
Hugh: Surely you don't want me to wear those, in front of my parents and there friends?
Lisa: But you promised my dad you would
Hugh: I was just humoring him darling. actually he frightens me a bit.
Lisa: I know they look a little silly but his feelings will be hurt if you don't wear them.
Hugh: Fine, I must say you were right. This has been quite trying. You know I've attempted to enjoy your family, on a personal level on an ironic level as a novelty as camp as kitsch as a cautionary example... nothing works. Frankly I will be quite relieved when we go back to England and we won't have to deal with them.
Lisa: Are you saying we won't see my family again?
Hugh: Possibly, Your mother will come, when the children are born.
Lisa: I can't believe I'm hearing this, I don't want to cut my family out of my life.
Hugh: Oh really? But Lisa, you're better than this place. You're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt,
Lisa: That's a horrible thing to say
Hugh: Oh come on you complain about them more than anyone
Lisa: Maybe but I still love them. and I don't think you understand that.
Reverend Lovejoy: And now to sing "Amazing grace" Maggie Simpsons
Dr. Hibbert: She's quite a hellion, but she has an Incredible voice.
Hugh: Stop everything! The wedding has been called off
Nelson: Ha-Ha
Kruty: (groans)
Reverend Lovejoy: Uh, this is very sad news and it never would have happened if the wedding had been inside the church of god. Instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.
Cafeteria Lady: Who want's cake?
Fortune teller: The next day Hugh goes back to England and you never see him again.
Lisa: Wow! Now that I know all this isn't there any way to change the future?
Fortune Teller: No but try to look surprised. 
Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love 
Fortune Teller: Oh you'll have a true love but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you jerked around
Homer: Lisa, Lisa. Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing!
Lisa: Hi, Dad.
Homer: I ate seven pounds of fudge
Lisa: Wow!
Homer: The Man at the stand said it was a record.
Lisa: Wow what else did you do Dad?
Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and had to sit down. But then I rode them again...
Category:Transcripts