The BUUUURRRRRP! Debate

is the premiere of season one of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on June 30, 2020.
== Plot ==
Five candidates competing in the presidential primaries, including former Vice President Joe Biden and B.B. Senator Bernie Sanders, descend to the first political debate, with skirmishes & haywire, in Bikini Bottom.
== Synopsis ==
Five candidates of the Democratic Party, Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Paul Renaud, Travis Pineapple, and Kelpy G descend on the first Democratic Debate on a variety of different political issues. 
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens with a shot of the news]
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion and Mr. Pineapple sitting on the couch]
Mr. R’Onion: My speech was perfectly fine! Why did you start up a campaign?!
Mr. Pineapple: You said “plant” and we got thrown out.
Mr. R’Onion: That’s a good speech! Short and straight to the point.
Mr. Pineapple: You didn’t explain anything about your policies, or what motivated you to run in the first place, or how you even got into the room! It was not a good speech!
Mr. R’Onion: Listen, we’re the Green wing.
Mr. Pineapple: So?
Mr. R’Onion: GREEN wing, you damn fool, GREEN!
Mr. Pineapple: Okay, you know what, I’m through with your campaign. I quit.
Mr. R’Onion: Fine, I don’t need you anyways. I already have every science teacher and communist teenager on my side, your presence isn’t needed.
Mr. Pineapple: I’m going to run against you. The left-wingers deserve better.
Mr. R’Onion: WHAT
[Cut to Joe Biden and Mr. Banana discussing strategies on the campaign bus.]
Mr. Banana: Alright, Mr. Biden, what are your strategies for the Democratic Debate tomorrow?
Mr. Biden: Wait, bingo is tomorrow?
Mr. Banana: No, not bingo, the Democratic Debate! You’ll have to explain to people why you should be the next President.
Mr. Biden: Oh man. Why, I can’t be President of the Bingo Club, it’s way too stressful...
Mr. Banana: NO, YOU’RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF BIKINI BOTTOM!
Mr. Biden: Oh, okay. So what should we do?
Mr. Banana: I’M ASKING YOU, IDIOT, BECAUSE YOU BOMBED THE LAST EVENT!
Mr. Biden: Woah there, hold on...I got it! We’re going to get the endorsements of every former President, they all hate the current one.
Mr. Banana: That’s actually a really good idea coming from you— Wait! I don’t think we can.
Mr. Biden: And why not?
Mr. Banana: Because they’re all in jail.
Mr. Biden: For what?!
Mr. Banana: War crimes.
Mr. Biden: That’s an atrocity!
Mr. Banana: So yeah, I don’t think we could do this—
Mr. Biden: It’s absolutely ridiculous! I mean, they imprison anyone for anything these days! Who cares? It’s a war! You think I give a damn if a couple of soldiers were killing journalists for fun after a drink or two?!
Mr. Banana: I mean the International Criminal Court gives a damn…
Mr. Biden: I thought we weren’t in it?
Mr. Banana: We aren’t, it’s just that a few months ago, a group of leftists abducted them and smuggled them out of the country, and they were arrested once they were in ICC jurisdiction.
Mr. Biden: I see...Trump was right about the radical left! They are tearing down our society, they must be stopped! I’ll have to vote for him this November, as we need to restore the soul of our nation.
Mr. Banana: Okay, you know what, I’m out. This is completely ridiculous. Just how [holding back cursing] stupid are you?
[Mr. Banana walks towards the exit.]
Mr. Biden: Wait! Mr. Banana, I have some strawberries for you!
Mr. Banana: [Freezes] Strawberries, you say?
Mr. Biden: Indeed.
Mr. Banana: Alright, I’ll stay on the campaign. I’ll call CNN to get the debate questions.
Mr. Biden: I thought this was a SpongeBob spin-off?
[Cut to Mr. Renaud and his conservative allies]
Mr. Renaud: ALRIGHT, KIDDIES! It’s time to take off your clothes!
Neocon: Uh, sir, this is our campaign board, not your class.
Mr. Renaud: It was requested by the sex ed department that we shoot a video on how to have sex! And I’ll shoot my warm, sticky seed down the throats of innocent…
Neocon: Damn fool, are you trying to get us caught?
Mr. Renaud: No, but the risk DOES feel good.
[Cuts to the debate. Perch Perkins is announcing.]
Perch Perkins: Welcome to the first debate for the democratic primaries of the 2020 Bikini Bottom presidential election. The candidates shall be Mr. Biden, former Vice President of Bikini Bottom; Mr. Sanders, Bikini Bottom Senator; Mr. Renaud, convicted felon and Libertarian activist; Mr. G, entrepreneur; Mr. R’Onion, science teacher and environmental activist; and Mr. Pineapple, rival of Mr. R’Onion in the Green faction of the party. We will now report live to moderators Timothy Pepperchicken and Thomas Chillyrooster.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Thanks, sir. We shall begin with Vice President Biden. [turns to Biden] Mr. Biden, it appears that you have voted for DOMA, which allows states to not recognize same-sex marriages.
Mr. Biden: Yes, but that happened 23 years ago, and—
Mr. Pepperchicken: BEAUTIFUL! Just what we need in a candidate like you. [turns to Mr. Renaud] Mr. Renaud, 30 seconds.
Mr. Renaud: Well, I believe that we should leverage the law on pornography.
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?! [knocks his mic over] What is the meaning of this? Rescinding the ban on ALL porn? What about homosexual porn?!
Mr. Renaud: Well… yeah.
Mr. Pepperchicken: DISGRACEFUL! ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL! Russia would never stand for this.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright. Mr. G, what will you do for Bikini Bottom?
Mr. G: Well, I—
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sorry, time’s up. We have a pretty tight schedule. Anyways, Mr. Pineapple! You have stated that you want to give every Bikini Bottomite free healthcare. How do you plan to pay for it?
Mr. Pineapple: Through increasing taxes for the rich. Believe me, it will be tremendous.
Mr. Chillyrooster: How can I be sure to believe you?
Mr. Travis: Just look at Rock Bottom. They implemented UBi and funded it through increasing the taxes of the top 1%.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Does anyone have a rebuttal?
Mr. Biden: I do. Mr. Pineapple, are you kidding me? Rock Bottom’s economy is on the verge of collapse!
Mr. Travis: And why is that, Mr. Biden? Is it because...you voted to impose crippling sanctions on it?
Mr. Biden: They were socialists!
Mr. R’Onion: And what’s wrong with socialism?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. R’Onion, please do not interfere with Mr. Biden’s rebuke—
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me, but Mr. Biden is being incredibly unprofessional here. Socialism is THE best economic system.
Mr. Chillyrooster: It’s incredibly unprofessional to interrupt a conversation.
Mr. Pineapple: Well, Mr. R’Onion has a history of interrupting things, such as stalling on a Green wing platform vote on whether to be anti-nuclear, because he’s funded by nuclear power plant owners! He’s a fake!
Mr. G: Mr. R’Onion is completely out of touch with society! He supports a ban on boats, which most Bikini Bottomites use!
Mr. Renaud: Mr. R’Onion also supports a ban on porn, which most Bikini Bottomites also use!
Mr. R’Onion: Shit.
Mr. Sanders: I believe that the top one-tenth of the one percent be ordered to pay their fair share. We need to bring Medicare For All, Housing For All, College For All, Jobs For All, High Taxes For All, and—
Mr. Chillyrooster: HEY! EVERYBODY BE QUIET! WE’RE THE ONES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS, YOU DON’T GET TO TALK WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION!
Mr. Biden: Just who do you think you’re talking to, you lying dog-faced pony soldier? Damn, who knew bingo night could be so intense?
Mr. Chillyrooster: BIDEN, WE LITERALLY GAVE YOU THE QUESTIONS, AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!
Mr. Biden: I know where I am, Mr. Banana, hold on.
Mr. Sanders: I knew it, I knew it all along! This primary was rigged!
Mr. Chillyrooster: I HATE THIS DEBATE! BIKINI BOTTOM IS SCREWED NO MATTER WHO WINS!
[Mr. Chillyrooster storms out of the arena]
Mr. Biden: Don’t leave! Wait, I got some strawberries!
Mr. Pineapple: [whispering] Psst...he’s not Mr. Banana.
Mr. Banana: [in the audience] DID SOMEONE SAY STRAWBERRIES?!
[Mr. Banana runs towards the stage and goes on top of Mr. Biden’s podium.]
Mr. Banana: TELL ME! WHERE ARE THE STRAWBERRIES?!
Mr. Biden: What’s a strawberry? Huh. [stares at Mr. Banana] What’s a banana doing on top of my podium? Hmm, I’m feeling pretty hungry right now.
[Mr. Biden then grabs Mr. Banana and eats him, to everyone’s shock.]
Mr. R’Onion: You see, this is the type of lunacy that rages in Bikini Bottom. The Green wing wants to ban the consumption of animals, but I want to take it a step further and ban people from eating everything. I’m not a fake! I may seem out of touch, but it’s what we need to survive on this planet!
Mr. G: How can we survive if we can’t eat?
Mr. R’Onion: Photosynthesis.
Mr. G: Sir, we cannot do that.
Mr. R’Onion: If plants do it, why can’t we?
Mr. G: Because we’re not plants.
Mr. Biden: Man, this sucks. I wanna sniff some hair really bad.
[Mr. Chillyrooster is heard screaming angrily from the hall outside]
Mr. Pineapple: And somehow, Mr. Chillyrooster has still contributed more to this debate than everyone in the room.
Mr. Biden: I, for one, think I’ve performed very well.
Mr. Pineapple: Sir, you ate your campaign manager.
Mr. Banana [from inside Biden]: I’d still choose this over socialism!
Mr. Biden: Huh, what was that? Ohhhhh...I feel a sensation in my stomach...I have to run to the bathroom!
[Mr. Biden runs to the bathroom, where he shits out Mr. Banana as a whole since he can’t digest.]
Mr. Biden: Ahhh, I took a mean ass shit. That felt good.
Mr. Banana: No it didn’t! Now where are the strawberries?!
Mr. Biden: [ignoring him] I better head back.
[Mr. Biden goes back on stage, with Mr. Banana secretly clinging onto him, under the assumption that Mr. Biden is taking him to the strawberries.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Folks, your microphones are still on.
Mr. Pineapple: This whole debate is pointless! You corporatists are rigging it in favor of Biden!
Mr. Pepperchicken: What are you talking about? We never gave Biden anything!
Mr. Biden: Wait, what? Weren’t you on the phone with me last night giving me the questions? You’re the guy who complained about Trump being too ineffective, and now you’re going to help me instead. I’m so confused...
Mr. Banana: YOU IDIOT! [suddenly appears and slaps Biden]
Mr. Biden: Huh. I felt something slapping me. [stares at Mr. Banana] Hmm, I could go for a banana right now.
[Mr. Biden once again eats Mr. Banana]
Mr. Pineapple: [speaking towards audience] This here, folks, is who CNN wants to put in the Oval Office.
[commotion begins in the audience]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [angry] Everything is ruined...seize him!
[Security approaches Mr. Pineapple, who then takes out his glass of water and throws the water at Mr. Biden.]
Mr. Renaud: I'd like to say something important-
Patrick: [burps loudly] BUUUUUUUURRRRRRP! [echoes]
Mr. Renaud: [fragile, stumbles, gasps]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Alright folks, the debate is hereby canceled.
[7 AM Tomorrow. Mr. Renaud is watching the news in his studio.]
Mr. Perkins: Mayhem at the Democratic Primary Debate last night. After the candidates ignored the rules of the debate, one of the moderators, Mr. Chillyrooster stormed out in anger. The other moderator, Mr. Pepperchicken, has been found to give the debate questions to Mr. Biden early, who inadvertently revealed this. Mr. Pepperchicken, who previously has served jail time for rigging the previous election in favor of our current president, who pardoned him, has been arrested following these new events. Also arrested last night was Mr. Pineapple for throwing water at Mr. Biden. President Trump pardoned Mr. Travis, labeling him as a “political prisoner”, but refused to pardon Mr. Pepperchicken, allegedly due to policy disagreements.
Mr. Renaud: Well, kiddies, this race is going to be tough. How am I going to beat someone if the election is going to be rigged in favor of my opponent?
Neocon: I mean, it’s not like you had a chance with the Democrats anyways…
Mr. Renaud: You’re absolutely right! I shall run for the Libertarian nomination, and clean out the LINOs! [runs outside to the camera crew] I'm dropping out of the Democratic presidential race!
Perch Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! Mr. Renaud is officially dropping out of the Democratic Party's presidential primaries and will instead run for the Libertarian Party's nomination. This is a breaking story!
Mr. Renaud: Haha! Take that, radicals!
[episode ends]
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