Episode 205: Judy Collins/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 205: Judy Collins.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Judy Collins! Oh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.
Judy 	I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.
 	BOOM! Something explodes beside her.
Crazy Harry	(laughing) You weren't ready for that!
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Judy Collins!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Do we have to watch this?
 	
 	Gonzo's horn sounds like a flute.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we really have a terrific show for you tonight because we have with us one of the most beautiful and talented singers in the entire world.
 	Piggy rushes out and bows.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. (to Kermit, aggravated) It's about time you said something nice about me.
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, I... I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. Him. (exits)
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
 	Open on a misty forest. Judy approaches a bat.
Judy 	Oh, hello there.
Bat 	Hi.
Judy 	
… said the little brown leatherwing bat.
"I'll tell you the reason that
The reason that I fly by night …"
Bat 	… is because I've lost my heart's delight.
Judy 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Bat 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Bat 	How dow dee di-dit dee doe.
Judy 	I have to go and sing now with the woodpecker.
Bat 	Find out what "how dow dee di-dit doe dum" means.
Judy 	I will.
 	She approaches the woodpecker.
Woodpecker 	Hi!
Judy 	
… said the woodpecker sittin' on a fence.
"Once I courted a handsome wench.
She got saucy and from me fled.
Woodpecker 	Ever since then my head's been red.
Judy 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Woodpecker 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Woodpecker	How dow dee di-dit dee doe.
Judy 	What does "how dow dee di-dit dee doe" mean?
Woodpecker 	"Go sing with the owl."
Judy 	Oh.
 	She approaches the owl.
Owl 	Who!
Judy 	
Said the hoot-owl sitting in the tree,
"All night long I watch and see…"
Owl 	Who!
Judy 	
"…goes where and what they do."
He knows what and he knows …
Owl 	Whoooo.
 	
Judy 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Animals 	Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Animals 	
Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
How dow dee … di-dit dee … doe.
 	Applause.
Statler 	You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.
Waldorf 	You left your wife?
Statler 	Yeah, I left her at home.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	J.P. Grosse talks on the phone as Scooter watches.
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, forget the 200 and let 'em go straight to jail. Right. (hangs up)
Kermit 	(worried) Oh, boy, look who's here.
Scooter 	Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.
 	
J.P. Grosse	J.P. Grosse. Yeah, I own the theater and the ground it stands on, and the mineral rights underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, frog.
Kermit 	(gulp)
J.P. Grosse	(to Scooter) Uh, kid, make a note, see if we own the frog. If not, take an option.
Kermit 	Uh, well, J.P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour.
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, well, you could call it that.
Kermit 	Well, attendance is up, revenue is up. Just about everything is up, sir.
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.
Kermit 	What?!
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, I'm tearing it down, puttin' in a junkyard.
Kermit 	Bu-bu-bu-bu-but why?
J.P. Grosse	Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here. Come on, kid, this well's dry.
 	He leaves with Scooter.
J.P. Grosse	Uh, don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lien on his legs.
Kermit 	I think my stock just dropped.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Featuring the stout-hearted Captain Link Hogthrob … the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy … and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork. Last week, the spaceship Swinetrek was rapidly approaching the electrifying mid-course correction maneuver.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Stand by for mid-course correction.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, isn't this electrifying?
Link Hogthrob 	Dr. Strangepork, ready to count me down?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right if I performed the mid-course correction?
Link Hogthrob 	Well...
Miss Piggy 	After all, I did go to school for this particular maneuver for 11 years.
Link Hogthrob 	Still, you are a woman.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, captain, just as you are a man.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, captain, may I please perform the maneuver?
Link Hogthrob 	Well, I suppose so.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank you, Herr Capitán! Oh! (smothers him with affection)
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Twenty-five seconds to mid-course correction.
Link Hogthrob 	Now, First Mate Piggy —
Miss Piggy 	Hmm?
Link Hogthrob 	Don't forget which button to push.
Miss Piggy 	Huh, I know which button to push. I studied it for 11 years.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Fifteen seconds.
Link Hogthrob 	It's this button right here.
Miss Piggy 	I know it's that button.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Ten seconds.
Link Hogthrob 	Just push it when he tells you.
Miss Piggy 	I know, I know!
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Five seconds. Four … three … two … one …
Link Hogthrob 	Don't panic.
Miss Piggy 	Will you shut up?!
Link Hogthrob 	Don't tell me to shut up. I'm your captain.
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Now! Push the button! Push the button!
 	
 	They fight over the button.
Link Hogthrob 	Push the button!
Miss Piggy 	I will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!
Link Hogthrob 	If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.
 	He pushes the button. An explosion occurs, leaving everyone shaken.
Miss Piggy 	You pushed the wrong button, bacon brain. I spent 11 years learning which button to push and you pushed one of those other buttons!
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Captain, you know what that means?
Link Hogthrob 	Not...?
Dr. Julius Strangepork 	Yes, I'm afraid so.
Miss Piggy 	You don't mean...?
Link & Strangepork 	Yes, undoubtedly.
Swinetrek crew member 	Does this mean...?
Piggy, Link & Strangepork	Yes, it does.
 	Dramatic sting.
Announcer 	Tune in next week and miss the continuation of... PIGS IN SPACE!
==Editorial==
 	Sam enters to a fanfare and stands at the podium.
 	
Sam the Eagle	I just want it known that, following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole weird, sick show. (looks around) Where do I go? (exits stage right)
=="I Know an Old Lady"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...
 	J.P. stomps behind him.
Kermit 	Uh, look, I'm trying to make an introduction.
 	
J.P. Grosse	Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.
Kermit 	Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...
J.P. Grosse	Scooter, make a note. Some of these boards are rotten.
Kermit 	That's too bad.
J.P. Grosse	You know, if you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen. (exits)
Kermit 	Um, ladies and gentlemen … Miss Judy Collins.
 	Judy plays the guitar and sings. A silhouette of an old lady appears in a frame above her.
Judy 	
I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed that fly.
Old lady 	I guess I'll die. (laughs)
 	
 	A spider jumps into her mouth.
Judy 	
I know an old lady who swallowed a spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Old lady 	I guess I'll die. (laughs)
 	A bird flies into her mouth.
Judy 	I know an old lady who swallowed a bird.
Statler 	How absurd — she swallowed a bird! Heh!
Judy 	
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Old lady 	I guess I'll die. (laughs)
 	A cat jumps into her mouth.
Judy 	I know an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Statler 	Imagine that! She swallowed a cat! Heh.
Judy 	
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Old lady 	Well, I guess I'll die. Come here, puppy.
 	A dog jumps into her mouth.
Judy 	I know an old lady who swallowed a dog.
Statler 	What a hog! She swallowed a dog!
Judy 	
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Old lady 	I guess I'll die. Come here, Billy.
 	A goat hops into her mouth.
Judy 	I know an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Statler 	Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat! Heh heh heh!
 	
Judy 	
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog.
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Old lady 	I guess I'll die.
 	A horse jumps into her mouth.
Judy 	I know an old lady who swallowed a horse.
 	BOOM! The old lady explodes.
Judy 	She's dead of course.
 	Applause. She chuckles. Statler and Waldorf cheer.
Waldorf 	Wonderful! Yes!
Statler 	Wonderful.
Waldorf 	Yes, but I swallowed my gum.
Statler 	How very dumb to swallow your gum!
 	They chuckle.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash.
 	
 	The paper catches fire and burns up.
Newsman	There it was, folks.
==Backstage==
 	J.P. Grosse is on the phone again.
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, well, I'm tearing the theater down, putting in a junkyard. (nods) Hmm, yeah, 'course I will.
Miss Piggy 	(gasp) Oh, look, it's Scooter's uncle, the famous J.P. Grosse. Oh, I had no idea that someone so rich could be so good-looking.
 	
J.P. Grosse	Listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.
Miss Piggy 	Helloooo. My name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of The Muppet Show.
J.P. Grosse	Well, sue them.
Miss Piggy 	I, uh, wonder, would you like to hear me sing?
J.P. Grosse	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, all right. Ahem. Call me irresponsible … call me unreliable … call me…
J.P. Grosse	What? (hangs up and sees Piggy) Call you? What for? No money in hog-calling.
Miss Piggy 	Well, call this, cigar breath! Hi-YAH!
 	J.P. walks away. Kermit gets in Piggy's way and gets karate-chopped. Piggy shrugs and walks away.
Kermit 	Uh, for a second there, I thought somebody was gonna get hurt around here. (faints)
=="I Talk to the Trees"==
 	
Link Hogthrob	
I talk to the trees,
But they don't listen to me...
 	The trees start moving away from him.
Tree (JN) 	I'm not listening to any more of this!
Tree (RH) 	Yeah, let's leaf. Oh, boy.
Tree (DG) 	Ah, that turkey talks ragtime.
Tree (FO) 	Blah, blah, blah!
 	Link stands there, confused.
==Planet Koozebane==
Kermit 	This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane, and today I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature, the Koozebanian Phoob.
Phoob 	Thank you, thank you. I'm pleased to be here. As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.
Kermit 	I can believe that because you see, folks, the Phoob is known as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.
Phoob 	That's true. We have a saying on this world: "I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy."
Kermit 	Uh, I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.
 	
Phoob 	Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.
Kermit 	Really? Well, how do you manage that?
Phoob 	Evolution.
Kermit 	I... I don't think I understand.
Phoob 	We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?
Phoob 	Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.
Kermit 	I... I beg your pardon?
 	
Phoob 	We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.
Kermit 	Say, are... are you changing?
 	
Phoob 	Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.
Kermit 	Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.
 	
Phoob 	I should certainly hope so.
Kermit 	(to camera) This — this is very weird.
 	The Phoob is now a replica of Kermit.
Kermit 	Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!
Phoob 	It's called the survival of the trench-coated.
Kermit 	Yeah, but... but you can't do this!
Phoob 	Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...
Kermit 	I'm Kermit the Frog!
Phoob 	I am!
Kermit 	I am!
 	The two Kermits start fighting.
 	
Kermit & Phoob	(pausing) Uh, these are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.
 	They resume fighting.
Kermit 	You can't do that! Will you stop?! I'm the real Kermit, folks.
Statler 	Wonderful! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf? Hey, I wonder where he went. He was here a minute ago, watching the Phoob and falling down laughing.
 	
 	He's hanging from the balcony.
Waldorf 	I'm still falling, but I've stopped laughing. (groans)
==UK spot==
 	Sam sits in the balcony with Statler.
Sam the Eagle	Uh, Mr. Statler, there aren't too many people on this show I like to talk to.
Statler 	Well, I can understand that. They're kind of weird.
Sam the Eagle	"Weird" is too nice a word. (Statler nods) But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen. Uh, by the way, where is your friend?
Statler 	Oh, uh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.
 	
Waldorf 	Stepped out is right. Hey, give me a hand, huh?
Statler 	Well, I'm sure he didn't go far. Yeah, he's probably hanging around somewhere.
Waldorf 	Uh, hanging around is right. Help.
Sam the Eagle	Mr. Statler, what I find hard to understand is why you come here every night.
Statler 	Well, uh, it gets me out of the house.
Sam the Eagle	But there are many better places to go than, than this freak show. There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.
Waldorf 	Help. Help!
Statler 	Never go to the opera. Can't stand all that screaming and yelling.
Waldorf 	Help!
Sam the Eagle	You just don't understand opera.
Statler 	Oh, I understand it all right. I just hate it. I'd rather go to a public hanging.
Waldorf 	You are at a public hanging. Pull me up!
Sam the Eagle	Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?
Waldorf 	I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.
Statler 	I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
Sam the Eagle	Maybe I will. I will drop by later.
Waldorf 	I'm gonna drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.
Sam the Eagle	But... but wherever he is, it's good to know that at least we have you two gentlemen here to provide dignity and decency.
 	He bangs his fist on the banister. Waldorf falls. They look down.
=="Do-Re-Mi"==
 	Open on Judy playing the piano. Pan over to Rowlf, at another piano.
Rowlf	Hey, thank you, Judy. You know, I really want to thank you for wanting to play this number with me. I'm just honored.
 	
Judy 	Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Rowlf. Thank you.
Rowlf	What is that you're playing right now?
Judy 	Oh, these are just finger exercises. I play them to warm up before I play.
Rowlf	Really?
Judy 	What do you do to warm up?
Rowlf	Oh, I chase cars.
Judy 	Oh, dear. I'd much rather play finger exercises. When I was a kid, you know, I used to play these and put a book up in front of me and read while I practiced.
Rowlf	Oh... I guess that's easy for you. But, you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.
Judy 	How about playing a duet with me?
Rowlf	Oh, listen, that's why I'm here.
Judy 	OK.
 	They do a duet of "Do-Re-Mi."
==Backstage==
Kermit	(fretting) Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
Gonzo 	Hi, Kermit. What's happening?
Kermit	Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news?
Gonzo 	No.
Kermit	Well, Scooter's uncle's gonna tear this theater down.
Gonzo 	(in disbelief) No!
Kermit	Yes! And he's gonna build a junkyard on this very spot.
Gonzo 	NO!
Kermit	Yes.
Gonzo 	Oh, what a terrific idea for an act! (sigh)
 	
Kermit	What?
Gonzo 	I wish I'd thought of it. (walks away, humming)
Kermit	Now there goes a real trouper.
==The Swedish Chef / Backstage==
 	Open on the Chef with two forks.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	
 	He tosses them aside and displays the bowl, then a head of lettuce, then a blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de lëttüce ... de bøøm-bøøm.
 	He tosses the lettuce in the air, shoots it, and down comes …
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de sälåd!
Statler 	Ever eat any of that Swedish chef's food?
Waldorf 	Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.
Statler 	That's why I asked.
 	The Chef displays another head of lettuce and the blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	He tosses the lettuce in the air, shoots it, and down comes …
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de brüssels sprøots.
Waldorf 	Oh, they're going to get that Swedish chef some day.
Statler 	Who is?
Waldorf 	The smorgasbord of health.
 	They chuckle. Meanwhile, backstage…
Kermit 	Scooter.
Scooter 	What is it, Kermit?
Kermit 	You're the only one who can talk your uncle out of tearing this theater down.
Scooter 	Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit...
Kermit 	Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of art. Tell him about all the people who'll be out of work.
Scooter 	Sorry, Kermit.
Kermit 	Including you.
Scooter 	Wait right here. (walks over to J.P.) Hey, Uncle J.P.
J.P. Grosse 	Huh?
Scooter 	You can't tear this theater down.
J.P. Grosse 	Oh, sure I can. I've got the junk yard all planned. Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.
Scooter 	Well, what about your sense of art?
J.P. Grosse 	Art who?
Scooter 	Well, what will all these people do for money?
J.P. Grosse 	Oh, let 'em spend cake.
Scooter 	Well, what about me?
J.P. Grosse 	Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard. What do you say to that, kid?
 	He picks up a sledgehammer.
 	
Scooter 	Let's get started, Uncle Partner!
 	He starts whacking the intercom. Kermit gets in his way and gets whacked.
Kermit 	Scooter! Aah!
 	
 	Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, the Chef displays a coconut and the blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... de cøconüt, … de bøøm-bøøm. (mock Swedish)
 	He tosses the coconut in the air, shoots it, and down comes a rubber chicken.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... chickie?
 	BOP! The coconut falls on his head.
Waldorf 	Well, did you find all that interesting?
Statler 	No, I was smorgasbored!
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Bored!
Waldorf 	Bored!
 	They chuckle. The lights dim.
=="Send In the Clowns"==
Announcer	Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
 	
 	Judy sings "Send in the Clowns" as the clowns dance.
==Goodnights==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Well, we made it through another one, mostly with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins! Yaaay!
Judy 	Thank you. It's been wonderful.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.
Judy 	Oh, no.
Kermit 	Yeah. Scooter's uncle still wants to tear this place down.
J.P. Grosse	Aw, cancel that plan. I'm not gonna tear this place down.
 	
Kermit 	You're not?
J.P. Grosse	No, it'd be a waste of money. This dump's gonna fall in on its own, like this floorboard.
 	He stomps on the floor and falls through it.
Kermit 	Uh, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Sh— WHAA!!
 	He and other Muppets fall through the stage floor as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	This theater's solid as a rock. Watch this.
 	He stomps on the floor and falls through it.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts