Beetlejuice/Transcript

[The film opens with a sweeping overview of Winter River, Conneticut, as credits rolls. It stops at a house, where a giant spider is seen crawling on top of it. A hand then grabs it, revealing that we were seeing a model replica of the town while we're in the house of Adam and Barbara Maitland.]
Adam: That’s a big fella! Whoa!
[He walks over to a window and gently throws it. A woman comes in to see him.]
Barbara: Looks great.
Adam: Thank you.
Barbara: Happy vacation, honey. (hands him a gift)
Adam: (opens the gift) Manchurian tung oil. Where did you get this?
Barbara: Helen got it for me in Oslo.
Adam: Well, there’s enough to do the whole table.
[The man then gives her a gift.]
Barbara: Wonder what this could be. (opens the gift) Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you. (hugs him)
Adam: Enough to do the entire guest room.
Barbara: So clever we’re spending our vacation at home. I’m gonna get started right away.
Adam: Hey, where are you going?
[The phone rings.]
Barbara: I’ll get it.
Adam: Be my guest.
[A car honks outside the house.]
Barbara: (looks out the window) Jane.
Adam: It’s your turn, honey.
[They both went downstairs, and Barbara answered the door.]
Jane: Hi, Barbara.
Barbara: Hi.
Jane: I’m glad I caught you. I heard you were on a vacation.
Barbara: That’s right, Jane. A complete vacation.
Jane: Today, I’m $260,000!
Barbara: It’s 6:45 in the morning.
Jane: This offer is real. From a man in New York City who only sell photograph.
Barbara: Jane, don’t send people photos of our house.
Jane: We’ll have to bring the wife and family for some peace.
Barbara: That’s what we’re looking for.
Jane: But Barbara, this house is too big for you. It really had to be a couple or a family. Oh, pumpkin, I didn’t mean it. I mean this house is too big.
Barbara: I’ll see you in a few weeks. Okay?
Jane: Okay.
[Adam plays some salsa music when he spots Jane by the window.]
Jane: Boo! I was just telling Barbara the offer about this house.
Adam: No, Jane.
[He closes the window and turns off the music.]
Adam: Barbara, come with me down to the store.
Barbara: What for?
Adam: I need a new brush for this towel oil and I want to get it parked for the model.
Barbara: Or you could just run in, okay?
[The couple get into the car and drive off to town.]
Adam: Two weeks at home. The perfect vacation.
Barbara: Jane says we should sell the house to a family.
Adam: Well, I don’t think it’s any of Jane’s business. Besides, you could try again on this vacation.
Barbara: Really? What are you saying?
[They drive across the bridge and into town.]
Adam: How ya doin’, Ernie?
Ernie: Hi. How are you?
[They stop at the hardware store.]
Barber: Morning, Adam. Need a haircut for your invitation?
Adam: Oh, no thanks.
[He went inside to get some things.]
Barber: He says to me ‘Just trim it a little.’
Adam: See you later.
[He gets back in the car and drives. A dog was heading near the bridge.]
Barbara: This is gonna be great.
Adam: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go to Jamaica or something like that?
Barbara: No way. There’s no place like..
Adam: Hey, look out for that!
[They swerved out of the way, and they hit the side of the bridge. They were hanging above the river. The dog got off the plank and the car crashed in the water. Later, at the house, it was empty until they came back.]
Barbara: Perfect start for our vacation.
Adam: You’ll feel better when you dry.
[They saw that the fireplace was already lit up.]
Barbara: That fire wasn’t burning when we left.
Adam: How’s your arm?
Barbara: I don’t know. It feels frozen.
[They warm their hands on the fire, but then, it caught on Barbara’s fingers. She blows them off.]
Barbara: I’ll make some coffee. You get some wood for the fire.
Adam: Maybe we should take things extra slow. Do you remember how we got back up here? I’m gonna go back down the bridge and retrace our steps.
[He went out of the house, only to appear in a strange world. A monster was about to attack him, but Barbara has to save him from the monster by pulling Adam back to the house.]
Adam: You save my..
Barbara: Two hours!
Adam: You won’t believe.. What?
Barbara: That’s how long you were gone.
Adam: What is going on? 
Barbara: I have to show you something. Look.
[They went to a mirror and Barbara picked up a plastic horse. In the mirror, there was only the horse but not them in it.]
Barbara: There’s that. And there’s that.
[There was a book on a chair that read ‘The Handbook for the Recently Deceased.’]
Adam: The Handbook for the Recently Diseased?
Barbara: Deceased.
Adam: Deceased.
Barbara: I don’t know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
[Adam checks inside the book for the publisher.]
Adam: Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press.
Barbara: You know what? I don’t think we survived the crash.
[They were in the bedroom, knowing that they’re now dead.]
Barbara: I hate this. Can you give me the basics?
Adam: This book isn’t arranged that way. What do you want to know?
Barbara: Why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven or halfway to hell? How long will this last?
Adam: I don’t see anything about heaven or hell.  This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen. (reads book) Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional parameters vary from manifestation to manifestation. (closes book) This is going to take some time.
[Meanwhile, deep underground from the house was the main character of the story. The one they called him Beetlejuice was reading the newspaper.]
Beetlejuice: Damn sandworms. Thirteen percent, huh? I better find a job. Let’s see. Business section. Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. (laughs) Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too. (laughs some more)
[The next day at the house…]
Adam: I wish I had a better view of the cemetery from here. I can’t tell which is the best placement for us. Cabin fever?
Barbara: I can’t clean anything properly. The vacuum’s in the garage and we can’t leave the house. Why don’t they tell us something? Where are the other dead people? Why is it just you and me?
Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara: In heaven, there wouldn’t be dust on everything.
Adam: (checks out the window) It’s Jane.
Barbara: What’s she doing here?
Adam: I don’t know. Jane, up here. Jane!
[Jane doesn’t notice Adam.]
Barbara: She can’t see you, right? In the book, rule number two: the living usually won’t see the dead.
Adam: Won’t or can’t?
Barbara: It just says ‘won’t.’ God, this book is so stupid! I can’t understand anything in it.
Adam: Barb, honey, we’re dead. I don’t think we have very much to worry about anymore.
[The car leaves, and the house is sold to a family who moves in.]
Charles: This is great! Just what the doctor ordered.
Moving Man: (pushes in chair) Sorry, ma’am.
Charles: Delia Deetz, welcome home.
Delia: Charles!
Charles: It’s okay, there’s no damage. See? Good, sturdy, country, craftsmanship. Look at that kitchen. You’ll finally be able to cook a decent meal. Come and have a look.
Delia: A little gasoline. Blowtorch. No problem.
Moving Man: Excuse me. Here we go.
[Their daughter, Lydia, checks the house.]
Charles: We'll have to rip out all the plumbing. Other than that, it's perfect. Just perfect. What do you think, honey?
Lydia: Delia hates it. (looks at a spider) I could live here.
Delia: Careful! That’s my sculpture. I don’t mean ‘my’ as in ‘I bought it.’ I mean I made it. Put it on the table.
Charles: Ten minutes. I’m already perfectly at ease.
[There was a guy trying to climb through the window.]
Otho: Help!
Delia: It’s Otho.
Charles: Otho, why don’t you come in the front door?
Otho: It’s bad luck.
Delia: You left the city for me. I am so happy.
Otho: Of course you are.
Charles: Let’s get one thing straight. We’re here to enjoy the country setting, not trash the place!
Otho: Charles, you’re lucky the yuppies are buying condos so you can afford what I’m going to have to do to this place.
Charles: I’m here to relax and clip coupons, and, damn it, I mean to do it.
Delia: Then, go do it quietly, dear, and let Otho and me think.
Charles: Is the rest of the house as bad as this?
[On the Maitlands..]
Barbara: Is this a punishment? What are we going to do?
Adam: We’re not completely helpless. I’ve been reading that book and there’s a word for people in our situation. Ghosts! 
[Cut to Otho...]
Otho: Let’s get this show on the road. (gets out and shakes two spray cans) We’re dealing with negative entertainment potential. There’s absolutely no organic flow through.
Delia: I noticed that, too. It’s like a giant ant farm. What?
Otho: I thought I saw something.
[They went into a room and Delia sprayed ‘Mauve’ on the wall.]
Otho: You read my mind.
Delia: I did?
Otho: So few clients are able to read my mind. They’re not open to the experience.
[They opened the closet to reveal a hanging Barbara who tears her face off. They don't notice.]
Delia: My God!
Otho: We just have to pray the other closets are bigger than this one. Look! (pushes Barbara aside and gets out a tuxedo and a dress) Ozzie and Harriet. What happened to these people?
Delia: They died. Look, an indoor outhouse.
Otho: Viridian.
Delia: Viridian. Why do I know that name?
Otho: Blue green. Hydrated chromic oxide. Remember, I’m schooled in chemistry. I was a hair analyst.
Delia: What?
Otho: Briefly.
[They open another door to show Barbara holding Adam’s head.]
Otho: Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
[Charles popped out of nowhere.]
Charles: I know what you two are up to and you’re not going to get away with it!
[On the Maitlands...]
Adam: This is not working out.
[On the Deetzes...]
Delia: I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax. I’m here with you. I’ll live with you in this hellhole. But I must express myself. If I can’t gut this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!
Charles: Yeah. Well, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. But why don’t you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia: Okay.
[On Barbara...]
Barbara: I’ll get her.
Delia: So?
Otho: Once you cover the wallpaper, knock down a few walls, this place may be livable. What’s on the third floor?
Delia: Attic space.
[On Adam...]
Adam: I forgot to lock the attic door.
[Adam’s body gets up and runs to the attic.]
Otho: Did you feel something?
Delia: When?
[Adam’s body shuts the door to the attic.]
Otho: You don’t have a key?
Delia: Maybe Charles does.
Otho: I have a feeling there’s something very interesting behind this door.
Delia: Yeah, the ghosts of the people who died in this house, and they want us out! Let’s do them a favor.
[They left and Adam’s body returned.]
Adam: My God, that was close!
Barbara: I cannot watch this. What’s the good of being a ghost if you can’t frighten people away?
Adam: Honey?
Barbara: No, I’m not putting up with this!
Adam: You don’t know what’s out there.
Barbara: I don’t care.
[She walks out the door and into the same strange world.]
Adam: Barbara!
Barbara: Adam! Adam, help. I’m getting all yellow!
[Then, a sandworm appears in front of Barbara. They run away from the sandworm and back into the house.]
Barbara: We’re trapped in this house with those people.
[Later, the Deetz family has dinner.]
Delia: I can’t believe we’re eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechwan up here?
Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG in this food.
Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so let’s try to make it a pleasant one. 
Charles: Don’t bait your mother. When we get settled, we’ll build you a darkroom in the basement.
Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One big dark room.
Delia: You were miserable in New York City, and you’ll be miserable in the sticks. At least someone’s life hasn’t been upheaved.
Charles: I’m happy here. Those people in New York don’t know what they’re missing.
Delia: We could become the Summer Art Center of New York. I could start sculpting again. I’m only truly happy when I’m sculpting.
Charles: That’s a very good idea. That’ll be very time-consuming.
Delia: First the house. Otho and I have great plans.
Lydia: I think we should keep it the way it is.
Charles: Good idea. The furniture truck is coming. We must decide what goes and what stays.
Delia: Everything goes, along with whatever’s in the attic.
[The Maitlands heard the conversation, and they were worried. That next day, the moving men were setting up things for the house.]
Delia: Tell me what you do and I’ll tell you why my husband will fire you.
[On the Maitlands...]
Barbara: Isn’t there an index?
Adam: No, nothing.
[A paper falls out of the book.]
Adam: What’s this?
Delia: Why are there only three sculptures? There were four sculptures. Where’s the fourth sculpture?
[A crane is lifting up the fourth sculpture.]
Delia: What are you doing?!
[The dead couple see a paper that read ‘Betelgeuse.’]
Adam: (reads paper) ‘Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist. Troubled by the living? Is death a problem and not the solution? Unhappy with eternity? Having difficulty adjusting? Call Betelgeuse.’
Barbara: There’s no number or instructions?
Adam: Nothing. The ‘bio-exorcist.’ I don’t get it.
[Downstairs…]
Charles: Why don’t you take a break for half an hour?
[He went into the kitchen to make his coffee, when the fourth sculpture burst in through the window.]
Delia: Put that down!
Charles: What the hell are you doing?
Delia: Listen to me! (sculpture drops down)
Charles: Jesus!
Delia: Why are you doing this to me? This is my art and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?
[Lydia spotted the couple while taking photos. Jane drove up to the house.]
Barbara: That little girl saw us.
Adam: Nobody can see us.
Barbara: But she did.
Adam: Better get rid of this Betelgeuse paper before she or her friends see it.
[Adam crumples the paper into a ball and throws it outside of the window.]
Lydia: What happened to the previous owners?
Jane’s Daughter: They drowned.
Jane: Yes, they were family. I was devastated. Here, take that. (hands her a key)
Lydia: Is this the key to the attic?
Jane: That’s a skeleton key that will open any door. Give that to your father. You might mention I single-handedly decorated that house. If he needs any advice in that area, have him come see me.
[Inside the house, Lydia walks up to the attic door.]
Adam: Don’t worry. I locked the door.
[As they try to bar the door shut, the TV comes on and shows a commercial.]
Beetlejuice: (on TV) Havin’ trouble with the livin’? You're tired of having your home violated? You wanna to get rid of them pesky living critters once and for all? Well, come on down and see me, folks. Cause I'm the afterlife’s leading bio-exorcist. Yes, sirree! Come on down here and I wanna tell you, I’ll do anything! I’ll scare ‘em real bad. The point is I’ll do anything to get your business. Hell! I’ll possess myself if I gotta! Yo! I got demons runnin’ all through me. Come on down here and see it. And hey, if you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism. You can’t beat that, can you? Bring the little partners. Hell. We’ve got plenty of snakes for them to play with no problem at all. So, say it once, say it twice, third time’s a charm. And remember… I’ll eat anything you want to me to eat. I’ll swallow anything you want me to swallow. So, come on down, I’ll chew on the dog. (Howls like a dog)
[The TV turned off by itself. The two got back to trying to keep the door shut. Adam used a wire to push the key out.]
Adam: We need some help. I read something in this book about emergencies. Here it is. (reads) ‘In case of an emergency, draw a door.’
[Adam used chalk to draw a door on the wall.]
Barbara: Draw a door? I don’t know why we keep looking in that stupid book. Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
[Adam then drew a doorknob on the door.]
Barbara: You didn’t actually think that would work, did you?
Adam: ‘Knock three times.’
[He knocked on the door three times and the wall opened up. It opens a portal to the Netherworld. In Charles’ room, he was busy looking at a bird from the house.]
Lydia: Dad?
Charles: Can’t you see I’m relaxing?
Lydia: I want to tell you what I saw.
Charles: What is the point of my coming here if you people won’t let me relax? Pumpkin, sweetheart, go help your mother.
Lydia: Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can’t.
Charles: (sees a building) Nice building. Bad roof. Good parking.
[Meanwhile, Adam and Barbara stumble into a waiting room, full of odd creatures.]
Barbara: Adam?
Adam: This way, honey.
[They went up to the desk.]
Desk Lady: You don’t have an appointment.
Adam: We didn’t know how to make one.
Barbara: Appointment for what?
Desk Lady: What do you want?
Barbara: Help?
Desk Lady: Already? Just bit the big one two months ago and you want help.
Adam: What does that have to do with anything?
Desk Lady: You’ll use up all your help vouchers: D-90s. You spent 125 years in that house during which you get only three class-one D-90 intercessions with Juno. You probably haven’t read through the manual completely yet. You’ll have to wait if you don’t have an appointment.
Adam: An appointment with whom?
Desk Lady: For Juno, your caseworker. Number 54,000,601. Ferndock!
[Back in the real world, Lydia managed to unlock the door to the attic. She sees the model town. Then, Lydia finds the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. Back in the waiting room…]
Burnt Guy: Want a cigarette?
Adam: No, thank you.
Burnt Guy: I’m trying to cut down myself.
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Desk Lady: This is what happens when you die. That is what happens when he dies. And that is what happens when they die. It’s all very personal. I’ll tell you something. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have had my little accident.
[A door opens and a run-over man hanging from above appears.]
Roadkill Man: Maitland. Party of two. Take the handbook and go to the sixth door.
Barbara: Oh, we forgot our handbook.
Roadkill Man: Come on.
[The couple walks through the offices.]
Roadkill Man: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
Adam: You look fine.
Barbara: Fine.
Roadkill Man: Thanks. I’ve been feeling a little flat.
[Adam and Barbara walked into a hallway full of doors.]
Barbara: 125 years. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe they didn’t tell us.
[They went past a door that showed ghouls.]
Barbara: Oh, Adam, what is this?
Janitor: That’s the Lost Souls’ Room. A room for ghosts that have been exorcised. Poor devils. That’s death for the dead. It’s all in the handbook. Keep moving.
[They continued to walk down the halls.]
Adam: Five. That’s the sixth door.
[They entered a place that had sculptures.]
Adam: Boy, this place just gets weirder and weirder. We’re home!
Barbara: Look at this place! Everything’s different. All our furniture’s gone.
Adam: How long do you suppose we were waiting there?
Old Lady: Three months. I’d almost given up on you. I was about to leave. I do have other clients.
[Adam and Barbara saw an old lady from the Netherworld right behind them.]
Barbara: Are you Juno, our caseworker?
Juno: Yes. I evaluate individual cases and determine if help is needed, demanded and available.
Adam: Are you available?
Juno: No. What’s wrong?
Barbara: We’re very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You’re dead!
Adam: We want to get rid of the people here. We worked hard on this house.
Barbara: We probably wouldn’t mind sharing the house with people who were…
Juno: More like you used to be.
Barbara: Yes. 
Adam: But these people!
Juno: Things seem quiet here. You should thank God you didn’t die in Italy. The Deetzes. Have you been studying the manual?
Adam: We tried.
Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves! It’s your house. Haunted houses aren’t easy to come by.
Barbara: We don’t quite get it.
Juno: I heard. Tore your faces off. It’s useless to pull off your heads in front of people who can’t see you.
Adam: We should start simply?
Juno: Start simply. Do what you know. Use your talents. Practice. You should have been studying those lessons since day one. (her phone rings) Oh, I got to go.
Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, Betel…
Juno: Don’t even say his name. You don’t want his help.
Adam: We might.
Juno: No, you don’t. He doesn’t work well with others.
Barbara: What do you mean?
Juno: I didn’t want to bring it up. But rather than you make another mistake, I’ll tell you. He was my assistant. But he was a troublemaker. He went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. I believe he’s sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times. But I strongly suggest that you remove the Deetzes yourselves.
Adam: How do we contact you if we need you?
[Juno disappears in a puff of smoke. ]
Barbara: Oh, Adam. That guy’s in our cemetery.
Adam: She’s right. We just keep this simple. We can do this.
[Flying into the model neighborhood was a fly. It landed at the model cemetery.]
Beetlejuice: Hey, you, come here! Hungry? Come on. Hey, come here. (gets out a Zagnut) I got something good for you. Come on over. We’ll have a little bite, something to nosh. Come here!
[Beetlejuice grabs the fly...]
Fly: Help me! Help me!
[...and eats it. In Charles’ room, he was on the phone.]
Charles: (on the phone) Maxie, haven’t I always made you money? That’s the only real question.
Maxie: (on the phone) Nobody made me money like you. You were a demon until your nerves went. It’s just that… Winter River, Connecticut is, if you’ll forgive me, nowhere. Why would I want to invest that kind of money in an old building way the hell up there?
Charles: (on the phone) It’s not a building. That’s the beauty. These people don’t know the value of their property. I can buy the whole town.
Maxie: (on the phone) Then we own a whole town in the middle of nowhere.
Charles: (on the phone) Come and see. And bring Sarah.
Maxie: (on the phone) All right, Charles. It’s just that I’m kind of busy here.
Charles: (on the phone) Just a minute.
Maxie: (on the phone) Listen. Enough of this talk about visiting, okay? I gotta go. You take it easy up there, big fellow. Goodbye.
Charles: (on the phone) Maxie, wait, wait. (Maxie hangs up)
Maxie: Putz.
[Charles hears moaning sounds outside his door. He opened the door and saw someone in a bedsheet.]
Charles: Lydia, is Connecticut so boring? I had Maxie Dean on the phone. Dad’s found a way of making money while I relax, so would you scram? Your mother will kill you when she sees you cut holes in her $300 sheets.
Barbara: This is so corny. Is this what we’ve been reduced to? Sheets?
Adam: Think of them as death shrouds. And the moaning is important. Really moan!
[They went into Delia’s room and tried to scare her, but they couldn’t. Lydia did hear the moaning.]
Lydia: God, how can he stand that woman? Cut it out! I’m a child, for God’s sakes.
Barbara: I feel so stupid.
Adam: It’s not stupid. We’re ghosts! Do you want to spend the next 125 years having breakfast with this woman? Moan louder.
[They moan again, but it didn’t work.]
Adam: Oh, God.
[They left the room, but...]
Lydia: (takes pictures of them) Sick. Sexual perversion. Do that weird sexual stuff in your own bedroom.
[She checks the photos and it shows the bedsheets without the feet.]
Lydia: Ah, no feet. Are you the guys hiding in the attic?
Adam: We’re ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren’t you scared?
Lydia: I’m not scared. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It’s a movie.
Barbara: (takes off the sheet) If I had seen a ghost at your age, I would have been scared out of my wits.
Lydia: You’re not gross. Why are you wearing sheets?
Barbara: We’re practicing.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course we can see you.
Adam: How can you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: I read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased. It says, ‘Live people ignore the strange and unusual.’ I myself am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look normal.
Adam: You read our book?
Lydia: Yeah.
Adam: You could follow it?
Lydia: Yes. Why are you in Delia’s bedroom?
Adam: Trying to scare your mother.
Lydia: Stepmother. You can’t scare her. She’s with Prince Valium.
[They went up to the attic.]
Lydia: You did this? You carved these houses and things? And this used to be your house. Why do you want to scare everybody?
Adam: We wanted to frighten you so you would move out.
Lydia: You don’t know the Deetzes. My father bought this place. He never walks away from equity. Why don’t you leave?
Barbara: We haven’t left since the funeral.
Lydia: Funeral! God! You guys really are dead. This is amazing. I better go.
Barbara: Wait. Don’t tell your parents we’re here.
Adam: Unless it will frighten them away. Tell them we are horrible desperate, ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing to get our house back.
Lydia: What if this is a dream? Can you do any tricks to prove we’re not dreaming?
[The two shake their heads.]
Lydia: If you are real ghosts, you better get another routine, because those sheets... they don’t work.
[She leaves the attic. The next day…]
Delia: Ghosts. You’re telling me we have ghosts in this house. Those pictures are of ghosts. Ghosts! Lydia, I am giving a dinner party tonight for seven people. My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman who writes for Art in America. In fact, no one dining here has not been in Vanity Fair except you.
Lydia: I told them you were too mean to be afraid.
Delia: Don’t you dare speak to others about me! Being embarrassed in front of the few people who will set foot in here scares me. So let’s play family just for tonight.
[Cut back to the Maitlands.]
Barbara: Lydia’s trying, but they don’t believe her.
Adam: She’s got photos.
Barbara: Adam, you have a photo of Bigfoot.
Adam: My photo of Bigfoot is a different story. We’ve got to get some help. We’ve got to contact Betelmeyer or something.
[They were in the attic when the model cemetery was flashing.]
Barbara: Look. It’s him. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
Adam: Go ahead, Barbara, say it.
Barbara: Betelgeuse!
[The two are teleported into the model cemetery.]
Barbara: What happened?
Adam: I think we’re in the model. Look at that.
[They see a sign that said ‘Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse’ and it was pointing to a grave saying ‘Here lies Betelgeuse.’]
Barbara: Where is he? What do we do?
[Some shovels fell near the grave.]
Adam: Looks like we dig.
[They start digging through the grave until they hit something.]
Barbara: It’s about time!
[It was the coffin of Betelgeuse.]
Adam: I say we open it.
Barbara: Maybe we should knock first.
[The coffin shook and the two got out of the ground. A ghoul appeared from under the grave. He was none other than Beetlejuice.]
Beetlejuice: Adam. Babs. (kisses Barbara) Boy, you know who to pick ‘em! Let me ask you something. Is this relationship really solid? Do I have a shot at her or all?
Adam: Excuse me.
Beetlejuice: Sure. Am I overstepping my bounds? Just tell me. Come on. You know what's beautiful about this. You two kids picked me. You didn’t have to, but you picked me. It makes me want to kiss you guys. Come on, give me one.
Adam: I beg your pardon!
Beetlejuice: All right. Let’s get down to business. I’ve got a card here somewhere. Here. Here. Who do I have to kill? Hold that for me will you. (hands her a rat)
Barbara: Whoa!
Beetlejuice: There you go.
Adam: You don’t have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah! Possession! Got it! (throws his voice at Barbara) Learn to throw your voice. Fool your friends. Fun at parties.
Barbara: No. We just wanna get some people out of our house.
Beetlejuice: I understand. I understand. Now look. In order to do that, I’ll have to get to know you guys. We’ve got to get closer. Move in with you for a while. Get to be real pals. You know what I’m saying? Save that guy for later.
Adam: My wife and I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Beetlejuice: Yeah. Sure. Sure, go ahead. Shoot.
Adam: Well, for instance. Uh. What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard. I’m a graduate of Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague, and I had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen The Exorcist about 167 times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it! Not to mention the fact that you’re talking to a dead guy! Now what do you think?! You think I’m qualified?
Adam: What I mean is can you be scary?
Beetlejuice: Oh! I know what you’re asking me. Can I be scary? What do you think of this? (makes a scary face to scare the two) You like it?
Barbara: Excuse us, please?
Beetlejuice: Sure. Talk amongst yourselves.
[The Maitlands talk amongst themselves.]
Barbara: Adam, let's go.
Adam: I know, but he can be useful later. 
Barbara: No. We can work something ourselves.
[Beetlejuice grabs a stick and looks under Barbara’s dress.]
Beetlejuice: Oh yeah!
Barbara: Hey!
Adam: Excuse me!
Beetlejuice: What?
Adam: Excuse me! We are leaving now.
Beetlejuice: Wait, wait. Oh, come on, don’t go yet. Hey guy come on, we’re simpatico. Look at us. We shop at the same shop. Hey, hermano. Yeah, there you go. We’re like peas in a pod. The three of us. Let’s face it, you want somebody out of the house. I want to get somebody out of your house. Look! You’ve been to Saturn. I’ve been to Saturn! Whoa. Sandworms. You heard them, right? I hate them myself. Come on, kids. What do I have to do to strike a deal with you two? (his head spins around and he stops it) Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Adam: Let’s go, Barbara!
Beetlejuice: Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! You all come up for a while. We’ll talk inside. Come on. Come on.
Barbara: I’m not staying here just a minute. We have to get out of here. 
Beetlejuice: I’ll fix something to eat.
Barbara: Home! Home! Home!
[The two teleported back home.]
Adam: Barbara, how did you do that?
Beetlejuice: Hope you like Italian. Where’d you go? Hey! Come on! Hey, where’d you go? Hey! Come on! You’ve to got to work with me here. I’m just trying to cut a deal. What do you want me to do? Where are you? You bunch of losers! You’re working with a professional here! (kicks the fake tree down) NICE FUCKIN' MODEL!! (honks his crotch)
Barbara: See. We can do this stuff on our own. Besides, I’m not exposing that little girl to that pervert down there.
Adam: Barbara, we did call him and he seemed awfully pissed off.
Barbara: I don’t care. I’ve changed my mind. Listen, I think we can scare them off ourselves… tonight. I have an idea.
[Later that night, the Deetzes have dinner with a few guests.]
Sarah Dean: What you did with the place is wonderful.
Charles: (whispers) Not me. Them.
Delia: So?
[Maxie looks back at Delia's weird sculptures. He's unnerved.]
Delia: You like them.
Otho: I hope it wasn’t yet another of your dreary suicide attempts. You know what they say about people who commit suicide? In the afterlife, they become civil servants.
Charles: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
Otho: Of course! You remember. After my stint with the Living Theater, I was one of New York's leading paranormal researchers until the bottom dropped out in '72.
Beryl: Paranormal? Is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset that somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Charles: Well, this looks really good.
Lydia: I saw some ghosts.
Delia: It’s a little private joke Lydia and I share.
Lydia: It’s not a joke.
Delia: Yes, it is. Just today she tried to convince me this house is haunted. Kids! You know, I love them!
Sarah: Ghosts?
Delia: In designer sheets, no less.
Charles: I’d like to propose a toast to our intrepid friends who braved the expressway and two dozen toll booths to be with us. May your buildings go condo.
Otho: Lydia, favor us about your ghosts.
Delia: No! I am sick of that subject.
Otho: Delia, lighten up.
Delia: I would rather talk about…
That's cute, Delia.
Otho, are you doing this?
Adam: We did it! Let's watch them scatter. Any minute now they'll come running out of that door screaming. Any minute now.
Lydia: It's me, Lydia. They want you to come downstairs. Delia says you can wear any sheets you want.
Charles: It was like being in an amusement park. Wham!
Sarah Dean: I didn’t even know I could do the Calypso.
Delia: Who has more fun than us?
Charles: We’re dealing with Tracy and Hepburn. A very sophisticated pair. They even appear in sheets.
Sarah Dean: Charles, why didn't you tell us about this before?
Delia: We're not sure we want our secret out. Everyone will want them for parties.
Charles: People will pay big money for this.
Beryl: The Enquirer is offering $50,000 for proof of life after death.
Otho: This is it, Charles. You can get Maxie Dean up here now.
Charles: You think so?
Otho: Sarah loves the supernatural. She'll have him sprint up here in his helicopter… if you can produce ghosts for her.
Maxie Dean: I should remind you that I'm Delia's agent. I have lost money on her work for years. If anything happened here, I shall handle it. But not until I've seen real proof.
Sarah Dean: What about this table?
Delia: What do you call what just happened? What money? Don't you believe in my work?
Charles: Here's Lydia. Well?
Lydia: They don't want to come down.
Delia: Charles…
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Maxie Dean: All right.
Delia: This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all experienced a super-powerful paranormal experience and it was real.
Maxie Dean: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
[The guests leave the house.]
Charles: Drive carefully!
Delia: I'm dead.
Lydia: The attic.
Charles: The attic’s locked.
Lydia: They’re ghosts. They can do what they want.
Delia: They do whatever they want. Take us up there right now.
[They walked up the stairs to the attic.]
Otho: Fabulous! Otho Fenlock’s ‘Locked Door Ghosts!’ Probably committed suicide up there. I’m enchanted.
Delia: In there? They must live like animals.
Charles: It’s locked. How did they get in?
Delia: Open this door, you dead people, or I’ll bust it down and drag you out by the ropes you hanged yourself with!
Lydia: They didn’t commit suicide.
Delia: It doesn’t matter. I can teach you something here. Take the upper hand in all situations or people, dead or alive, will walk over you. Open up!
[The door opened and they got in the attic.]
Delia: Where are they?
Lydia: These ghosts are nice people. I think we scared them away, so let’s leave them alone, all right?
Charles: (sees the model neighborhood) It’s the whole damn town.
Delia: I have never been so embarrassed. Are they gone for good?
[Charles pushes a model car down the model neighborhood.]
Lydia: Dad, don’t. Mom, let’s just go.
Otho then finds the Handbook for the Recently Deceased.
Delia: No ghosts here. Come on! If they are in here, I don’t want to scare them away. We’re leaving now. You can go about your business.
[They left the attic. Adam and Barbara were hanging from the window. In the model cemetery...]
Beetlejuice: Oh, boy! You guys are really spooksters, aren't you? Now, let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
[On the Deetzes and Otho...]
Charles: Otho, get Maxie on the phone. We’re really got something here. We can turn this place into the world’s leading supernatural research center. An amusement park. I’ll do a presentation. Lydia will bring the ghosts.
Lydia: I can’t bring the ghosts. They’re not here.
Delia: Otho, can’t you do something?
Otho: If I’m properly motivated.
Charles: What type of motivation do you require?
Lydia: Why don’t you just leave them alone? They didn’t do anything to you.
Beetlejuice Snake: We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
Lydia: Stop! Stop!
Barbara: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!
Beetlejuice Snake: Oh, no!
[The snake turns into a railing.]
Lydia: Why are you doing this? Leave me alone, all of you!
[Lydia runs away from the two.]
Barbara: Great choice! We spend the next century hanging out a window or doing tricks.
Adam: Maybe they’ll leave now. That snake was a nasty customer.
Barbara: He could’ve hurt somebody.
Adam: But he didn’t. We’ve got them where we want them.
Beetlejuice: You losers! How dare you interrupt a professional while he's working!
Barbara: I'm not fond of Charles, but you could've killed him.
Beetlejuice: I'm just doing my job! I thought we had a deal. It's okay. You know why? I don't want to do business with you deadbeats anyway, thank you. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. She understands me.
Barbara: (picks him up) Leave her alone!
[Spikes burst out of Beetlejuice, making Barbara yelp in pain and drop him. He falls back into the model neighborhood.]
Beetlejuice: Go ahead, make my millennium. I'm feeling a little anxious, if you know what I mean. It's been about 600 years. I wonder where an everyday Joe like myself can find a little action.
[In front of Beetlejuice was a strip club of undead girls in the model neighborhood.]
Beetlejuice: Yeah. Here I come, baby. Hey, Adam, nice move!
Barbara: Why did you build that?
Adam: I didn't.
[They were teleported into the Netherworld, where Juno was talking with some undead football players who think that Juno is their coach.]
Juno: (to the football players) Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. (to the Maitlands) You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of you! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Betelgeuse out of the picture. You two have really screwed up. I heard you allowed yourselves to be photographed. You let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back. And you let Otho take the handbook!
Adam: When?
Juno: Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours… provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Dead Football Player: Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno: I'm not your coach. He survived.
Dead Football Player 2: Let me get something straight. What's our curfew?
Juno: Get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! Men's room! Are you kidding? Can't you read signs? I'll be right back.
[Back in the living world...]
Charles: Maybe this was all a bad idea.
Delia: I didn’t say anything. Who are we kidding? You’ve never had a bad idea.
Charles: Yeah? This could all work out. Home. I’m not sure this is the right environment for Lydia. Snakes. Ghosts.
Delia: Shrimps.
Otho: Your family types. You’ve got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean is coming tonight. You have to sell those ghosts. I can only do so much.
Charles: What are you going to do? Viciously rearrange their environment?
Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
[In her room, Lydia is writing a suicide note.]
Lydia: "I am alone." (throws away paper) "I am utterly alone. By the time you read this, I will be gone having jumped... (scribbles out jumped) having plummeted off the Winter River Bridge."
[Back in the Netherworld…]
Juno: I don’t care what it takes. You get the Deetzes out of there now! (the Maitlands were about to leave) Wait a minute. What are you going to do? To scare them. I want to make sure it’s not some silly parlor trick.
Adam: I’ll go first.
[Adam took off his glasses, stretched his head, and put eyeballs on his fingers.]
Juno: Not bad. Not bad. (to Barbara) Now you. Go ahead!
[Barbara’s eyes sunk into her mouth, and she stretched her mouth open.]
Juno: You look great. Go clean house and don’t forget the photographs and the handbook.
[As the two leave, the football players return.]
Dead Football Player: Coach?
Juno: What?
Dead Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno: How did you guess?
[Back in the real world, Lydia went into the attic.]
Lydia: Mr. And Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone. Split. Out of here. Afterlife kids. Deceased.
Lydia: Are you a ghost, too?
Beetlejuice: I'm the ghost with the most, babe. You look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here. I gotta tell you, this death thing… It's creepy. Here's my problem. I've got friends on the outside I said I'd meet. I have to be there in person. So could you help me get out of here? 
Lydia: I want to get in.
Beetlejuice: Why? You've probably got your reasons, but I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, over there, maybe we could talk. But to do that you've got to say my name three times.
Lydia: What's your name?
Beetlejuice: I can't tell you.
Lydia: Why not?
Beetlejuice: If I tell you, you'll tell your friends, they'll call me all the time. I've got to go to shopping centers for openings, sign autographs, that shit. It makes my life hell, okay? A living hell.
But maybe if you have a pen...
I know! Do you play charades?
Yeah.
Good.
Here we go. Ready?
Two words.
Right!
First word, two syllables.
Look.
Turn around.
I don't know what your signal means.
Look behind you!
Beetle: Hi. How are you?
Lydia: Beetle.
Got it. Now, two.
Breakfast? Orange? Orange beetle? Beetle fruit? Beetle breakfast? Beetle drink? Beetle juice?
Beetlejuice: That's it!
Lydia: Your name's Beetlejuice?
Beetlejuice: You said it twice. Just say it once more. Come on.
Lydia: It was you, wasn't it? The snake.
Beetlejuice: You kids and your imagination! Just say it!
Lydia: No. I want to talk to Barbara.
Beetlejuice: You don't need to talk to Barbara! Just say it!
Barbara: Adam, I can't go through with it. I like that little girl.
Adam: But it's too late. We have to go through with this.
Barbara: No, we don't. Can't we rebel? I want to be with Lydia.
Beetlejuice: Come on! Just say it!
No, don't say it!
Beetlejuice: Say it!
It's okay. It's us. What's going on?
Beetle...
He said if I let him out he would take me to the other side to find you.
No, Lydia, we're dead.
Lydia: I want to be dead, too.
Barbara: No! Being dead doesn't make things any easier.
Adam: Listen to her on this. This is something we know a lot about.
And you can visit us anytime you want.
I have a feeling things are going to be better from now on.
What do you mean, better?
We've decided we're going to invite you and your family to stay.
That's right.
Can't we bring Maxie up here?
You've got a stake in this, too.
This is a presentation. It requires a sense of occasion, a sense of style.
It's big. How will we get it out?
It's sectional.
Wait, there are plugs.
Careful!
Okay, go.
What's going on?
I don't know. I'll find out.
Be careful.
We've got Ed Cornwell to head the wax museum… dedicated to 50 great moments of the paranormal in Thanksgiving Park.
You must remember Ed.
He's the genius who gave us the talking Marcel Marceau statue.
And D-Con is on its knees to sponsor the insect zoo in the old hardware store.
We can't lose!
Lydia, you decided to join us.
I just finished the initial presentation.
Now it's time to have a stretch… and to invite our friends to meet your friends.
Are they here yet?
Charles, we're here to see some ghosts.
They're not here... anymore.
Every time she says that, the paint peels and some wild creature tries to kill us.
But we have pictures, Lydia.
Really. They said they'd come back and we could all live here if you agreed not to tease them or make them do stupid tricks.
She has a tendency to overreact.
Don't worry, we're not relying on her.
We have Otho.
Are they still here?
Otho, are they still here?
They're still here. They're just hiding out.
They probably feel guilty about what they did to me.
They're sorry they didn't kill you.
I just want to see them.
Otho, can you do it?
Otho: It'll be tricky, but I think I can handle it.
Lydia: No! What am I worried about? You can't even change a tire.
Otho: I'll be needing something personal of theirs.
Lydia: You'll have to go to the Goodwill.
Excuse me.
The wedding clothes.
The words:
"Hands vermilion
"Start of five
"Bright cotillion
"Raven's dive
"Nightshade's promise
"Spirits strive
"To the living, let now the dead come alive"
Barbara?
"As sudden thunder pierces night
"As magic wonder mad affright
"Rives asunder man's delight
"Our ghost, our corpse
"And we rise to be"
Help!
Stop it!
"As flies the lizard
"Serpent fell
"As goblin vizard at the spell
"The buried, dead and slain rise again"
What's happening to them?
I don't know.
They're dying!
They're already dead.
They can't feel a thing.
That's not true! Look at them!
That's enough.
Can we stop this?
It's too late, Charles. I'm sorry.
Lydia: Where are you? Help them, please.
Beetlejuice: Sure, I can help them. But you've got to help me.
Lydia: What?
Beetlejuice: I'm what you call an illegal alien. I want out for good. To do that, I've gotta get married. These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules. Come on. Think of it as a marriage of inconvenience. We both get something. I get out. You get the most eligible bachelor since Valentino. We're even.
Lydia: Okay, just help them.
Beetlejuice: Sure.
Lydia: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: (grins) It's showtime.
Beetlejuice: Attention, K-Mart shoppers: I'm back. I feel real good about myself.
You know what I mean? So… without further delay… welcome to Winter River!
Museum of Natural Greed! A monument to the bored businessman.
Come a little closer. Step right up! Test your strength.
Thank you.
Thank you! Whew!
That is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, babe.
I won't do 'em.
Well, what have we got here tonight, kids?
We've got the Maitlands.
I think they've had enough exercise for tonight.
Not so fast, Round Boy. We're gonna have some laughs.
Mom, Dad: I just want you two to know you're welcome in our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, Dad.
The Maitlands are taken care of.
Everything seems to be back to normal.
Shall we?
Called the caterer. He's got a great band.
We're gonna need witnesses. Would you?
Let's get on with the ceremony.
Do you, Betel...
Beetlejuice: Nobody says the "B" word.
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
Beetlejuice: I don't know. It's a big decision. I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it only once. Sure. Go ahead.
Preacher: And do you, Lydia, take this man...
Lydia: No! Betel...
Beetlejuice: She's a little nervous. Maybe I should answer for her. (speaks in Lydia’s voice) I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me. I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
Come on.
Come on.
Beetlejui...
Scram!
Come on!
Hey, guy.
May we continue with the ceremony?
Preacher: Then by...
Beetlejuice.
Strike!
Let's roll!
Preacher: Then by the authority vested in me...
The ring, please.
The ring! Oh, no!
I've got it, honey.
Here it is. Here you go.
She meant nothing to me. Nothing at all!
Preacher: I now pronounce you...
Beetlejuice: Yeah, come on.
Preacher: Man and...
Adam: What time is it?
Barbara: It's about 3:30.
Adam: Give or take a year.
[Lydia returns home.]
Lydia: Hello?
Adam: Well? Did you get the paints?
Lydia: Yes. And I took pictures of the new town hall for you, too.
Barbara: How was the science test?
Lydia: It was gross. They wanted me to dissect a frog. I told them "no way." I said it was against my religion. I got a "C."
Barbara: And the math test?
Adam: You're kidding me? We spent the whole week studying for that test. 
Lydia: I got an "A." So, can I?
Adam: I don't know. Got a "C" on the science test.
Barbara: Don't tease her. You never got on "A" in science.
Lydia: Come on.
Adam: Well… I suppose.
[The whole place brightens as the objects move in rhythm. Harry Belafonte's "Jump in the Line" starts playing. Upstairs, Charles is reading the Handbook.]
Charles: This reads like stereo instructions. Sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
[A scary face pops up in front of his face, scaring him off his chair. It was just an art piece made by Delia.]
Delia: He likes it.
[Lydia sings while floating in the air. Adam and Barbara dance below. Meanwhile, Beetlejuice is in the waiting room, rubbing the legs of the lower half of a dead woman. The upper half smacks him with a book.]
Beetlejuice: Hey! Sorry. Didn't see you sitting there. (sits next to a hunter with a shrunken head) Women. I don't know what her problem is. Normally, chicks...
[He looks at his ticket. It reads, "9, 998, 383, 750, 000." He looks to the counter which dings "3." He groans impatiently. He looks to the witch doctor's ticket which reads, "4."]
Beetlejuice: (to the witch doctor) Pardon me. (refers to the hunter) Did you do that? Nice work. How do you get them so small? There goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[He snatches the ticket from the witch doctor and switches it with his.]
Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing. (as the witch doctor gets something) I've got to do a photo shoot for G.Q. In an hour and a half. They've been after me for months. Some kind of underwear deal.
[The witch doctor sprinkles powder on Beetlejuice's head.]
Beetlejuice: (as his head shrinks) What are you doing? Stop it. You're messing up my hair. Come on! Whoa! Stop it! (then) This might be a good look for me.
[Cut back to the house with the dead football players dancing alongside Lydia. Cut to black. Roll credits.]
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