The Entire Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe in Chronological Order

----This page is a combination of all episodes, shorts and movies in the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe.
= Main info =
== Legend ==
===(Universe) Series title S1E1: Episode title (flashbacks only) [in-universe date] {writer}===
*(S) - Episodes set in the SpongeBob sub-universe
*(V) - Episodes set in the Viktor Orbán sub-universe
*(P) - Episodes set in the World of Pampers
*(Z) - Episodes set in the Zoltan-Verse
*(*) - Episodes that are in-universe TV shows
*(†) - Episodes that partially take place in an alternate universe
*(‡) - Episodes that entirely take place in an alternate universe (non-canon)
== Trivia ==
*This is currently the longest article on this wiki
=Pre-Daddy Pig Era=
Press expand if you want to read this section.
==13,800,000,000 B.C.==
===(V) DPCU: Creation [13,800,000,000 B.C.] {Zoltan40}===
[The short begins with Talking Ben creating the heavens and the earth]
Peppa Pig Narrator: In the beginning when Talking Ben created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from Talking Ben swept over the face of the waters. Then Talking Ben said:
Talking Ben: Ben.
Peppa Pig Narrator: And there was light. And Talking Ben saw that the light was good; and Talking Ben separated the light from the darkness.Talking Ben called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day. And Talking Ben said:
Talking Ben: Hohoho!
Peppa Pig Narrator: So Talking Ben made the dome and separated the waters that were under the dome from the waters that were above the dome. And it was so. Talking Ben called the dome Sky. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day. And Talking Ben said:
Talking Ben: Yes.
Peppa Pig Narrator: And it was so. Talking Ben called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And Talking Ben saw that it was good. Then Talking Ben said:
Talking Ben: No.
Peppa Pig Narrator: And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation: plants yielding seed of every kind, and trees of every kind bearing fruit with the seed in it. And Talking Ben saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day. [...] And Talking Ben said:
Talking Ben: Ugh.
Peppa Pig Narrator: So Talking Ben created humankind in his image, in the image of Talking Ben he created them. He called them Adam and Steve; Talking Ben blessed them, and Talking Ben said to them:
Talking Ben: Hohoho!
Peppa Pig Narrator: And it was so. Talking Ben saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all their multitude. And on the seventh day Talking Ben finished the work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all the work that he had done. So Talking Ben blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on it Talking Ben rested from all the work that he had done in creation.
==1970s==
===(S) Chicken Peter S1E4: The Chicken Peter Christmas Special (flashbacks, rest of episode in 2023) {thatjess}===
[Exterior shot of an orphanage. Inside, an orphanage worker carries baby Johnny back to his crib. Christmas decorations fill the room.]
Orphanage worker: There you go. Maybe by next Christmas you’ll have a home. Merry Christmas, my angel.
[The orphanage worker leaves the room.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) I was all alone in the orphanage. No parents, no friends, just me. And all the other people in the orphanage. When suddenly…
[A loud THUD is heard as Santa comes down the chimney, and starts eating the cookies left out for him.]
Santa: AUGH I’M SO FULL OF MILK AND COOKIES.
[Baby Johnny slowly starts crawling out of his crib as Santa sets down presents for the orphans. Unbeknownst to Santa, Johnny climbs into Santa’s sack. Santa picks up his sack and begins climbing back up the chimney. Cut to Santa flying his sleigh back to his workshop in the North Pole. Cut to the elves joyously celebrating Santa’s return by dancing and raising their glasses for a cheerful toast. Santa takes center stage in front of the lively crowd.]
Santa: Damn I’m good. Another Christmas smashed. What a perfect match.
[The elves cheer.]
Santa: In fact, I think this may have been the most successful Christmas yet! Not like that time we let my fucking brother Uncle Grandpa take over… This year, nothing went wrong at al-
[Baby Johnny starts crawling out of Santa’s sack. The elves gasp.]
Santa: I want to kill myself.
Elf 1: It’s a human!
Elf 2: A baby human!
Baby Johnny: Goo-goo.
Elves: Awwwwwwww…
Elf 3: What are we gonna do?
Santa: I’m fucking exhausted. One of you lot is gonna have to make the trip to take the bastard back.
[An elf walks through with a tablet-like gizmo. She scans Johnny.]
Elf 4: His name is Johnny. He/Him. Says he’s from a New Orleans orphanage. …doesn’t seem to have a last name.
Elf 2: Hahaha! What a story, Elf 4.
Santa: He’s from an orphanage, hm?
Elf 3: So he’s literally a bastard.
Elf 4: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
Santa: Guys, shut up! Elf 4, send the baby back.
Elf 4: What?!
Elf 5: But he has no parents! We can’t send him back!
Elf 4: I agree with that.
Elf 6: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SANTA!!
Santa: If we don’t send him back then what the fucking hell do you want us to do with him then?!
[Suddenly, an older elf steps forward.]
Papa Elf: I’ll take him.
Santa: What, like as a slave?
Papa Elf: I was thinking more like as a child.
Santa: You want to parent him?
Papa Elf: That’s the idea.
Elf 3: You must be kidding, arenchu?!
Papa Elf: Well, I’ve always wanted a child… I’ve just been too busy in the workshop. And I feel sorry for him all alone in the orphanage just waiting for someone like me to adopt him…
Santa: Hmm…… yeah sure why not. You can have him.
[The elves cheer. Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: And so I was raised as an elf at the North Pole for many years. And throughout my whole childhood, I didn’t even know I was human! Hahaha! Until…
== 80s ==
===(S) Chicken Peter S1E4: The Chicken Peter Christmas Special (flashbacks, rest of episode in 2023) {thatjess}===
Chicken Johnny: And so I was raised as an elf at the North Pole for many years. And throughout my whole childhood, I didn’t even know I was human! Hahaha! Until…
[At the North Pole, young Johnny is sewing some autistic octopus plushies…]
Johnny: AGH! STUPID NEEDLE! GET OUT OF MY BODY BEFORE I BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR HOUSE!
[...when he overhears some higher-ranking elves talking about him.]
Elf 7: (sighs) Elf 8, I really hate to throw this on you like this, but it’s okay if you work overtime tonight, right?
Elf 8: Of course! Us elves love making toys! We don’t need to eat and sleep!
Elf 7: Thanks, you’re a hero.
Elf 8: …it’s because of Johnny, isn’t it?
[Johnny realises they’re talking about him.]
Elf 7: Yah. Him and his unpointy ears are killing me.
Johnny: (whispering to himself) My ears are pointy… right?
Elf 7: He just can’t keep the same pace on the workload of toys as the rest of us elves. And he’s so much TALLER than us, it’s scary!
Johnny: (whispering to himself) I’m not that tall…
Elf 7: He betray us, he didn’t keep his promise, he tricked us, and I don’t care anymore.
Elf 8: I kinda feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.
Elf 7: Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
[This sentence echoes in Johnny’s head as he starts having an existential crisis. His world starts spinning, and he quickly faints.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) That was the day I found out…
[Cut to Johnny running into Papa Elf’s house, crying. He runs into his bedroom and slams the door behind him. Papa Elf follows, knocking on the door.]
Papa Elf: …Johnny? Johnny? Please talk to me. Please!
Johnny: (muffled, behind the door) I'm sorry, Papa. I just need some alone time.
Papa Elf: You can tell me anything, Johnny. You are part of my life, I could not go on without you, Johnny.
[Johnny slowly opens the door.]
Johnny: I- I… I’m a human, aren’t I?
[Pause.]
Papa Elf: I... I think we... we have to talk.
[Cut to Johnny sitting on Papa Elf’s lap as he is told his origin story.]
Chicken Johnny: (narrating) So Papa Elf told me everything. How I was an orphan with no parents, and how I snuck into Santa’s magical sack of gifts as a baby, and how Papa Elf had raised as if we were blood related… And so I knew what I had to do.
[Cut to to Johnny talking to Santa.]
Santa: So… Papa Elf tells me you’re going back to visit New Orleans, hm?
Johnny: Not New Orleans… San Francisco!
Santa: San… Francisco?
Johnny: A magical city where dreams come true! In San Francisco, you can be anything! I could be psychologist! Or football player! Or banker!
Santa: You know there’s not a lot of magic in San Francisco, right?
Johnny: I know. But I want to be with the humans.
[Johnny pulls out two suitcases out from behind his back.]
Johnny: I’ve already packed! See?
Santa: Well I always kind of knew this day would come…
Johnny: I’m kind of nervous.
Santa: Oh, you should be! San Francisco is shit! First of all, steer clear of schools. People will either think you’re a fucking pedophile or you’ll be shot to your bloody demise. Secondly, everyone outside the North Pole is bigoted as fuck. Probably should have started with that, actually. They might make fun of your elf dialect.
Johnny: Oh… if a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Santa: Thirdly, you will need this.
[Santa hands Johnny a cheque.]
Johnny: A… piece of paper?
Santa: It means you’re entitled to two thousand dollars.
Johnny: What is a “dollars”?
Santa: It’s the American equivalent of mince pies. They don’t recognise it as legal tender yet for some reason. I get loads of mince pies on my rounds from some countries like the UK. They get sad if I don’t eat them. Brings me so much pain every year…
Johnny: Is there anything else I should know?
Santa: Probably, but I’m getting my nails done in five minutes so I must rush. Have fun in San Fernando though!
[Santa rushes off.]
Johnny: Fernando?
[Cut back to everyone in the coffee shop.]
Chris Chan: So then what?
Chicken Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story. When I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 cheque which I could not cash.
Chicken Mark: Why not?
Chicken Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank.
[Cut to Johnny at the YMCA trying to cash out the cheque.]
Clerk: The Bank of the North Pole?
Johnny: Yuh. I’m an elf, you see.
Clerk: …is this some kind of prank? I can’t accept this.
Johnny: But- b- this is all the money I have…
Clerk: Get lost, weirdo.
[Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, Lisa was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.
Chris Chan: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?
Chicken Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.
Chris Chan: What? No tips from your job?
Chicken Johnny: Whatever. So yeah, that’s the story basically.
== 1999 ==
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E9: Daddy Pig Has an Affair (flashbacks, rest of episode in 2022) {thatjess} ===
Daddy Pig: It was the Summer of 1999. I was fresh out of secondary school and ready to rumble. I was waiting in line for my McDonald’s.
[Flashback to the Peppa Pig World McDonald’s 1999. A young Daddy Pig is in line for a Big Mac. Mummy Pig approaches the counter.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, could I please have a chicken salad and a McFlurry please?
Miss Rabbit: (behind the counter) Of course! That’ll be two pounds please.
[Mummy Pig gives her the money.]
Miss Rabbit: Thank you! Have a nice day!
[Mummy Pig gets in the queue to wait for her food.]
Daddy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Cut back to the present.]
Daddy Pig: Before I knew it we were married and Peppa was born!
[Pan over to Patrick, who has now joined the two at the table and is sipping on a Strawberry milkshake.]
Patrick: That’s it? That’s the whole story?
Daddy Pig: What were you expecting? I’m not Shakespeare you know!
Patrick: Pfffft, what a rip-off. Can we hear the story of how you met SpongeBob now?
SpongeBob: Patrick you already know that story, you were there.
Patrick: Oh yeah.
==2000-2017==
===(Z) My Life as a Teenage SpongeBot (flashbacks, rest of episode in 2021) {SpongeBot678}===
Narrator: Once upon a time, in the Isle of Wight, there was a Beardy Dad and a Not So Beardy Mother. And they loved each other very much.
(cuts to the family watching TV in 2021)
Beardy Dad: CHEEKY FUCKERS!
Mother: ROBERT!
Beardy Dad: Well I’m sorry but they’re cheeky fuckers… (talking to the people on TV) Pour petrol through the letterbox.
Narrator: One day, they decided they wanted a baby.
(the narrator is revealed to be SpongeBot678 having a therapy session)
SpongeBot678: Guess who?
Therapist: ...you?
SpongeBot678: No, it was my brother. BUT, like 10 years after that, they decided they wanted another baby. After a few months, my mother gave birth to the biggest kid you've ever seen.
(cut to the house on Bot’s first day of school)
Mother: OK Bot, it's time for your first day of school.
(a young Bot walks in, 8’11)
SpongeBot678: I don't think these school clothes fit me.
Mother: Oh, you'll be fine.
Therapist: You were 8’11? I feel like I would’ve read a story about a baby being 8’11 on the news.
SpongeBot678: OK, I'm exaggerating a bit there but still, I was really tall for my age.
Therapist: OK so, it's your first day at school. How did that go?
SpongeBot678: Pretty well I think.
(cuts to Bot in preschool)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) I was very smart for my age.
Teacher: Alright kids, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
Kid #1: I want to be a fireman like Fireman Sam.
Kid #2: I want to be a postman like Postman Pat.
SpongeBot678: I want to be a career criminal with over 100 convictions for arson, class a drug possession, murder, and armed robbery.
(long pause)
Kid #3: And I want to be the cop that arrests SpongeBot.
Therapist: Wait a minute- you said you wanted to be a criminal?
SpongeBot678: Yeah.
Therapist: That’s a pretty shocking confession. Do you think you were ever violent at school?
SpongeBot678: Well now that you mention it.
(cuts to picture day)
Jimmy: Oh boy I can't wait to get my picture taken- (Bot pushes him over) Ow!
SpongeBot678: Fuck you Jimmy.
Therapist: Why did you push him over?
SpongeBot678: I- I have no idea.
Therapist: Did he do anything to you?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Interesting… Anything else...
(cut to SpongeBot at primary school)
SpongeBot678: (in class) Bloody.
(all the children scream in shock)
Kid #1: Did you just swear?
SpongeBot678: Oh come on, it’s not that bad.
Therapist: Hmm… Did you have any interests at the time that could’ve contributed to this behaviour?
SpongeBot678: Well, I liked SpongeBob. In fact the first episode I can remember watching was "Nasty Patty." Y'know the one where SpongeBob and Patrick think they've killed the health inspector.
Therapist: Uh-huh. How much did you like SpongeBob?
SpongeBot678: Oh I loved him. In fact one day in 2013 I was browsing the SpongeBob Wiki on my Samsung Netbook.
(cut to 2013 Bot browsing ESB)
SpongeBot678: So this is the plot of “Planet of the Jellyfish.”
Mother: ...OK.
SpongeBot678: (to the therapist) And somehow I ended up on the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki. I decided to open Microsoft Word and write my own SpongeBob episodes.
Therapist: ...really? What were they about?
SpongeBot678: Well… I think one of them had SpongeBob and Patrick switching bodies, I don’t really know where I was going with that. I didn’t write a single page on SBFW in 2013.
Therapist: Huh. Any other interests?
SpongeBot678: Well in 2014 I found this amazing video-game.
(cut to 2014 Bot playing New Super Mario Bros 2)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) That’s right, I started playing New Super Mario Bros. 2. I wasn’t very good, for every level I used the invincibility leaf and even then I still kept dying... Oh and I also played lots of Minecraft.
Therapist: Did you get any more violent after playing Minecraft?
SpongeBot678: Actually no, I just had lots of fun. In fact there was this one kid in my maths class who was annoying me. But after a while I decided to make amends the only way I knew how.
(cut to 2015 Bot in Maths class)
SpongeBot678: Do you want to start a Minecraft Channel?
Kid: Sure.
Therapist: You started a Minecraft channel with him?
SpongeBot678: It was a simpler time back then. We were able to make a Twitter account and a Facebook account. The Facebook account got suspended and they wouldn’t let us appeal. Bet they feel stupid now, huh.
(cut to 2015 Bot in school)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) Our videos were everywhere, and by everywhere I mean everywhere in class.
Kid: Hey, when’s part 2 of that Minecraft Roleplay coming.
SpongeBot678: I- I have no idea.
Therapist: Did it ever come out?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Was it finished?
SpongeBot678: Yep.
Therapist: Are you ever going to release it?
SpongeBot678: Fucking no.
Therapist: So is the Minecraft channel still up?
SpongeBot678: Well, no. We kept talking on Skype about it and we had loads of great ideas that never went anywhere. We even considered buying a studio and doing our videos there to improve our content, and then we realized we had no money. Eventually we just stopped making videos entirely.
(cut to 2016 Bot walking down the street)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) But then in 2016, something happened.
(a strange looking man walks up)
Man: Heyyyy there little girl…
(therapist interrupts)
Therapist: Sorry, I feel like I know where this is going.
SpongeBot678: I don’t think you do.
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: Who the fuck are you?
Man: That's not important. What is important is what I want to propose to you. (gets out a sheet of paper) Do you want to join my people trafficking scheme? (passes the paper to Bot)
SpongeBot678: (reading it) This is just the url to that SpongeBob Fanon Wiki site I visited back in 2013.
Man: ...yes, yes it is… You’re smart, I like my kids smart.
(therapist interrupts again)
Therapist: Wait so, he just wanted you to join the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki?
SpongeBot678: Yes.
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) And at first I thought, a SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, no thank you. That's weird. (to the man) Sorry, I’m not interested.
Man: WHAT? WHY?!
SpongeBot678: See, I don’t know if you know me but. I work for a really successful Minecraft channel.
Man: Ooh really, how many subscribers do you have?
SpongeBot678: Like, 50.
Man: Thousand?
SpongeBot678: No, just 50. But we’re working really hard to raise our numbers. Look, we even made a trailer.
(cut to a SpongeBob meme)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: I thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let me hear it.
SpongeBob: MINETUBE MINECRAFT SHOWS! (SpongeBob and Patrick both laugh)
SpongeBot678: See. It’s perfect.
Man: ...yeah you should join the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki.
(therapist interrupts)
Therapist: Did anything else happen with the man?
SpongeBot678: No. I don’t even think he was a user. I made an account later that day. Of course it’s hard for a new user to get recognized and I didn’t have any ideas for spin-offs at the time, but I had a plan. I would make loads of necessary edits to pages and then people would know who I was.
(cut to 2016 Bot editing a page)
SpongeBot678: This page for a DVD mentions episodes once… That’s enough to give it the episodes category. (gets a badge) OH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Therapist: So you were editing for badges?
SpongeBot678: No, I was making constructive edits to pages.
Therapist: Where are you on the leaderboard on the wiki?
SpongeBot678: #1.
Therapist: OK you were badge farming.
SpongeBot678: Is this a therapy session or an interrogation?
Therapist: Let’s move on, what else happened on the wiki?
SpongeBot678: Well I was still at school at this point and I felt like I needed to write a really good spin-off. And then it came to me.
(cut to 2016 Bot running into an executive’s office)
SpongeBot678: GUYS! SO WHILE I WAS IN HISTORY CLASS, I GOT LIKE A GREAT IDEA FOR A SPIN-OFF! (she starts presenting a slideshow) So, medieval times am I right? (the execs look unimpressed) I am gonna need 2 million dollars… For the first scene. (narrating) Eventually they got on board and we started working on the characters.
(cut to the artists making character designs)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) Unfortunately, I kept forgetting who the characters were.
(writer walks up to Bot)
Writer: So what’s the dark knight gonna do in this spin-off?
SpongeBot678: Who the hell is that?
Writer: Y’know, the medieval version of Sandy.
SpongeBot678: Oh right… Who’s Sandy?
Therapist: Do you often forget stuff?
SpongeBot678: No, not anymore at least. Eventually we got the pilot episode done and everything was going great.
Therapist: How did the rest of the series go?
SpongeBot678: (thinking) That is a very good question.
Therapist: Do you want to answer it?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Okay… So, did anything significant happen in 2017?
SpongeBot678: Well, I revisited ESB, and started becoming more and more active there. I may have told a few lies on chat.
(cut to 2017 Bot on ESB chat)
ESB User: Wow, you own every game console?
SpongeBot678: ...yes.
Therapist: How much did you lie about?
SpongeBot678: A lot. But, eventually I was able to get assistant and chat mod so I must’ve been doing something right... 2017 ESB was strange, there was this one dude who kept making alts for no reason. And once after I was gone for 2 days Cookie’s account was disabled, Jensonk was globally blocked, and someone had been raiding the wiki.
Therapist: Uh-huh… Wait, I don’t know who any of those people are. Did you make any friends during your time on ESB?
SpongeBot678: Oh, I made some great friends.
(cut to 2017 Dan getting a Skype message from 2017 Bot reading “Fuck you.”)
Dan: ...she wants to fuck me?
Therapist: What was the context for that message?
SpongeBot678: I don’t remember.
Therapist: Did you send any other messages on any messaging services of that nature?
SpongeBot678: Oh we’re just getting started. So, in late-2017 there was a new Discord server made called the crib… I sent a message saying “I say racial slurs all the time lmao.” in their media channel.
Therapist: What? Why?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know.
(To be continued)
==2017==
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S1E1: SpringBoob Got Milk! [December 17, 2017] {SpongeBot678}===
Oh, Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
While I'm hangin' with the SpringBoob, Fatfrick's watching toons!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Eating food is what they do and they don't do it for you.
Life in Not Bikini Bottom!
They're hangin' on TV like two celebrities!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Now the girls got it too; just the SpringBoob and Fatfrick.
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
The episode opens with two kids watching an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants they get bored and leave, but then a character that looks like SpongeBob, called SpringBoob, jumps out the TV, lands on a dog toy, jumps on a Soccer ball and trips on a Dino Toy and lands a skateboard bringing him to the fridge, SpringBoob then finds some milk, drinks it, and becomes human sized. SpringBoob kicks out of the fridge harshly, destroying stuff in the fridge. He jumps over the skateboard and soccer ball and jumps on the TV almost breaking it and SpringBoob falls down.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S1E2: SpringBoob The Babysitter! [December 22, 2017] {SpongeBot678}===
The episode starts with Eugene dangling Sassy Cheek over a plant. SpringBoob then appears, wearing a Superman costume and also having long black hair. Eugene then asks what he's doing there with his "gorgeous hair," to which SpringBoob replies that he "shampoos and conditions." Eugene then says to himself that SpringBoob's hair is his only weakness. SpringBoob flies up to Eugene, asking him if he's ready to die. Eugene is shocked at SpringBoob's ability to fly, and SpringBoob's hair causes Eugene to flee terrified, but not before tossing Sassy high into the air. SpringBoob catches Sassy, who thanks SpringBoob for saving her, but SpringBoob crashes into a wall, revealing it was just a dream.
Oh, Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
While I'm hangin' with the SpringBoob, Fatfrick's watching toons!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Eating food is what they do and they don't do it for you.
Life in Not Bikini Bottom!
They're hangin' on TV like two celebrities!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Now the girls got it too; just the SpringBoob and Fatfrick.
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
There is then a knock at the door. SpringBoob answers the door to a kid who asks SpringBoob if he wants to see his pencil. The kid reveals his name to be Timmy, and that it says it on his shirt. SpringBoob then finds a sticky note on Timmy's shoulder that says, "Please babysit. -Sorry." Timmy says that his mom dropped him off, and then tries to put the pencil in his nose. SpringBoob stops Timmy, telling him not to put the pencil in his nose. Timmy then asks why, and SpringBoob replies with, "Because you're gonna hurt yourself! Don't do that!" Timmy then says that SpringBoob's "just givin' him the bad boy," and starts slamming his head against the doorway. SpringBoob calms Timmy down and tells him to leave. SpringBoob then lets Timmy into the apartment. SpringBoob gets Timmy Scooby-Doo gummies. Timmy thinks he is a giraffe but SpringBoob says that Timmy is not. SpringBoob then asks Timmy why he is wearing a diaper, Timmy says it is so he doesn't poop himself, SpringBoob then points out the diaper is on the outside of his pants.
When SpringBoob goes to get the gummies, Timmy tries to put a pencil in his nose. SpringBoob then calls for help, but finds out that Timmy actually put his pencil in his nose. There is a knock on the door and Sassy Cheek enters. She tries to give Timmy a coloring book, but Timmy has gone missing! Timmy is then found in the bathroom covered in toilet paper claiming to be a mummy, Timmy then claims he pooped himself and need someone to wipe him, Sassy refuses so SpringBoob has to wipe him. SpringBoob then asks Sassy to call the cops, and so she does.
The episode then cuts to SpringBoob and Timmy on the couch, when Timmy randomly starts patting his diaper, SpringBoob tries to communicate with Timmy, but Timmy does not respond. SpringBoob then gives him the coloring book, Timmy then starts talking, and says he wants to put the crayon up his nose saying he has got an extra hole. Timmy then promises he won't put it up his nose, so SpringBoob gives him the crayon. Timmy then attempts to put it up his nose, and succeeds. SpringBoob then takes the crayon away and calls Timmy a bad boy prompting Timmy to start smashing his head against the couch. Sassy then tells Timmy to stop and says Timmy is a good boy. Timmy then asks if he is a good boy, and Sassy says he is a good boy.
There is then yet another knock on the door, it is a cop, SpringBoob then says there is a kid in his house that just showed up at his door and tells the cop to come inside. SpringBoob then notices Timmy doesn't have a pencil in his nose anymore, but he now has a crayon in his nose. SpringBoob asks why there is a crayon in his nose and Sassy says she tried to stop him but Timmy insisted. The cop asks why there is a crayon in his nose and SpringBoob says Timmy likes to put stuff in his nose. Timmy then says he lost his crayon, and keeps asking where the crayon is. SpringBoob then tells the cops Timmy is stupid and asks for him to be taken out of his life. The cop then asks Timmy questions. The cop asks Timmy what his last name is and Timmy says it is "Timmy." The cop then asks if his name is Timmy Timmy and Timmy says it is. The cop then asks what Timmy's address is, Timmy says it's Timmy. The cop then asks if Timmy is Timmy Timmy that lives on Timmy, Timmy then responds with "Timmy." The cop then says he finds that hard to believe and asks Timmy what his house number is and Timmy responds with seven. The cop then tells SpringBoob that this is going nowhere. Timmy then gets his pencil raises it, drops it, and starts patting his diaper again. SpringBoob asks if the cop is going to stop Timmy and the cop refuses. SpringBoob then tells Timmy he is bad, prompting Timmy to start smashing his head against the couch again. The cop then asks why SpringBoob did that, and everyone tells Timmy he is a good boy.
SpringBoob then asks the cop what he is gonna do about Timmy, and the cop says the book says "finders keepers." SpringBoob then says he doesn't want to keep Timmy. The cop then says those are the rules and SpringBoob has to keep Timmy until SpringBoob finds Timmy's parents. SpringBoob then starts smashing his head against the couch hoping it is a dream. SpringBoob then wakes up thinking it was all a dream saying it was the worst dream ever. There is then another knock on the door, we really need new character entrances, oh wait I'm still writing this, okay. So Timmy then shows up out the door and asks SpringBoob if he wants to see his pencil. The episode then ends with SpringBoob screaming.
==2018==
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S2E1: Timmy Goes To The Zoo! [January 26, 2018] {Vanilla Ploop}===
The episode opens with SpringBoob jacking off on the couch. Timmy interrupts him, declaring that he needs to take a shit. SpringBoob decides to make a deal with Timmy that if he takes a shit in the bathroom like a big boy then he will get a very special prize.
Timmy takes a shit in the bathroom and informs SpringBoob, who is confused because the toilet is empty. Timmy then confesses that he forgot to pull his pants down. Despite this, Timmy still technically took a shit in the bathroom and is eligible to claim his prize. After Timmy starts making animal noises, SpringBoob decides to take him to the zoo where he belongs.
Oh, Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
While I'm hangin' with the SpringBoob, Fatfrick's watching toons!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Eating food is what they do and they don't do it for you.
Life in Not Bikini Bottom!
They're hangin' on TV like two celebrities!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Now the girls got it too; just the SpringBoob and Fatfrick.
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
The pair arrive at the zoo and meet Miss Rabbit, the zookeeper, who offers to give them a tour. They accept but Timmy is too busy jacking off to pay attention to anything. SpringBoob feels proud that Timmy is taking after him.
Miss Rabbit guides them to the clams. She tells them not to scream so the animals aren't frightened. However, the clams give SpringBoob Vietnam flashbacks and he breaks into an outburst. The duo are giving a warning.
They then see the jeedaraffes. Timmy whines that he wants to feed them so SpringBoob reluctantly spends ten dollars on a small pack of jeedaraffe food. Miss Rabbit helps Timmy feed the jeedaraffes but one licks Timmy's hand which causes him to scream. The pair are given another warning.
The tour leads them to the gorilla exhibit where they meet Donkey Kong. SpringBoob and Miss Rabbit get distracted and begin a long conversation about tea and crumpets. When they aren't looking, Timmy jumps into the exhibit and gets beaten the hell out of by Donkey Kong. SpringBoob is pissed that Miss Rabbit let this happen. She quickscopes Donkey Kong and Timmy is saved.
That night, Jeremy Pacman from BBC News reports the tragic events and interviews Miss Rabbit who blames everything on SpringBoob. The entire country is outraged and starts the "peepees out for DK" campaign to serve him justice.
SpringBoob is angry because he hasn't done anything wrong. His girlfriend Sassy Cheeks arrives and he explains the entire situation. However, Sassy is pissed and yells at SpringBoob for being a bad parent.
The next day BBC News interviews SpringBoob. He tries to defend himself, arguing that the zoo didn't have any signs, but undeniably loses what quickly turns into a debate. He has embarrassed himself on live television.
Wanting to save his own dignity, SpringBoob decides to get his peepee out for Donkey Kong and becomes a national hero. Sassy remarks how incredibly small it is.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S2E2: Big SpringBoob SquirePin! [February 2, 2018] {Plot Generator}===
Oh, Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
While I'm hangin' with the SpringBoob, Fatfrick's watching toons!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Eating food is what they do and they don't do it for you.
Life in Not Bikini Bottom!
They're hangin' on TV like two celebrities!
I'm gonna sing this song, all day long!
Now the girls got it too; just the SpringBoob and Fatfrick.
Life in not Bikini Bottom!
We're on the road again, with each other 'till the end
I'm gonna sing this song all day long!
Ten friends on the run!
Making trouble, having fun!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Yeah, Life in not, Bikini Bottom!
Life, in not, Bikini Bottom!
SpringBoob SquirePin had always hated cold Not Bikini Bottom with its hard, handsome houses. It was a place where he felt horny.
He was a big, big, cocoa drinker with grubby eyelashes and feathery eyebrows. His friends saw him as an angry, ashamed angel. Once, he had even jumped into a river and saved a square old lady. That's the sort of man he was.
SpringBoob walked over to the window and reflected on his hot surroundings. The sun shone like chatting mice.
Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Fatfrick Staggie. Fatfrick was a thoughtless saint with scrawny eyelashes and squat eyebrows.
SpringBoob gulped. He was not prepared for Fatfrick.
As SpringBoob stepped outside and Fatfrick came closer, he could see the distinct smile on his face.
Fatfrick glared with all the wrath of 3748 big filthy foxes. He said, in hushed tones, "I hate you and I want kill."
SpringBoob looked back, even more hangry and still fingering the big map. "Fatfrick, I condemn your actions against the Brazilian government," he replied.
They looked at each other with hungry feelings, like two panicky, purring pigeons rampaging at a very hopeful funeral, which had jazz music playing in the background and two snooty uncles skipping to the beat.
SpringBoob regarded Fatfrick's scrawny eyelashes and squat eyebrows. "I feel the same way!" revealed SpringBoob with a delighted grin.
Fatfrick looked angry, his emotions blushing like a bloody, big blade.
Then Fatfrick came inside for a nice mug of cocoa.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S3E1: Timmy's Bad Word! [February 8, 2018] {Vanilla Ploop}===
SpringBoob SquirePin is about to go to Walmart to buy a couple of things and asks if he can trust Timmy to stay home alone. Although Timmy says yes, SpringBoob decides to take Timmy with him after Timmy asks if he can poop in the sink.
On their way way to Walmart, a homeless man jumps in front of SpringBoob's car and asks for change. In haste, SpringBoob angrily yells at the man and calls him a fraggle. Timmy, hearing the word for the first time, begins repeatedly saying it. SpringBoob scolds him, explaining that it's a bad word, but Timmy continues calling SpringBoob a fraggle anyway.
In Walmart, SpringBoob is about to get a white light bulb, but is called racist when a customer suggests he instead buys a black light bulb and he refuses. Timmy then calls the customer a fraggle, prompting the customer to beat up SpringBoob.
The two return home but Timmy continues calling everyone fraggles. SpringBoob asks his girlfriend Sassy Cheek for help, and then threatens to spank Timmy for his bad behavior. After Timmy tells him to "do it, fraggle", SpringBoob begins repeatedly hitting him, much to Timmy and Sassy's horror.
Sassy Cheeks becomes tearful and very angry at SpringBoob, calling him a child beater, to which SpringBoob responds by calling Timmy a fraggle. Sassy goes to put Timmy to bed, but Timmy claims that SpringBoob poopfellowed him and stuck his fingers up his butt and twirled them around and then sniffed them. Timmy calls the police on his father and a police officer arrives furious at SpringBoob, who is arrested and convicted as a sex offender.
SpringBoob is released from prison, and Sassy says that none of this would have happened if he hadn't been a fraggle.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S3E2: Fatfrick's Big CRAP! [February 9, 2018] {Vanilla Ploop}===
Fatfrick is eating chips, Sara Lee Cheesecake, and other foods. He then begins farting and is unable to reach his coke. He calls SpringBoob to tell him to get his coke because it is not within arm's reach. SpringBoob drops the coke and tells him to take the world's biggest dump.
Fatfrick then goes to the bathroom to take his crap. While dumping, another box of Sara Lee Cheesecake appears in the bathroom, which Fatfrick takes (and drops). He finishes his crap.
20 minutes later, Fatfrick takes another dump. He claims he broke the record in the for biggest crap. Fatfrick then wipes himself, eats a bag of Doritos, and the craps some more. This time, he is out of toilet paper.
Fatfrick yells for SpringBoob to get him cheesecake and toilet paper. Fatfrick wants SpringBoob to pick up the toilet paper that is on the floor, but Mario refuses. He then gets a whole roll and throws it at Fatfrick. Fatfrick then tries to get it himself but falls off the toilet.
Fatfrick then finds a cheesecake on the floor. Six hours later, Fatfrick wipes himself, and flushes the toilet; some of his crap does not go down the toilet. Fatfrick then goes back in the bathroom to take more craps, earning his second title in the Guinness Book of World Records, and the sewer line gave him his own sewage plant.
Timmy is waiting outside the bathroom door and is overpowered by the smell of Fatfrick's crap.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S3E3: Eugene Junior's Happy Meal! [February 14, 2018] {Vanilla Ploop}===
Eugene is laying in his bed watching the hit YouTuber Tripolar. An advertisement then appears for a Tripolar fan convention and Eugene desperately wants to go.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Chef Squid Squid is cooking German food. Eugene tells Chef Squid Squid that he needs to watch his son Eugene Junior while he is at the convention. Chef Squid Squid tries to persuade Eugene to take Junior with him but he refuses, saying that it would ruin his experience. Chef Squid Squid then reluctantly agrees to babysit as Eugene leaves for the Tripolar convention.
Junior barges in and declares that he wants to to play with his toys with Chef Squid Squid. Chef Squid Squid refuses and Junior throws a tantrum. To keep the peace, Chef Squid Squid goes along to play with Junior.
Junior decides that they shall play with his toy trains. Chef Squid Squid wants to be Thomas, but Junior won't let him because he's his favorite and he's number one. He screams when Chef Squid Squid touches Thomas. Chef Chef Squid then asks what train he's allowed to be and Junior tells him to be "the ugly red one". Chef Squid Squid doesn't want to be "the ugly red one" and points out that Junior owns two Thomas toys, but Junior claims that it's Thomas’ stunt double Tommy. Chef Squid Squid then decides to be a toy cow and Junior screams.
Junior then decides that they shall play dinosaurs. Chef Squid Squid wants to be a cool T-Rex, but Junior refuses to let him touch any of the dinosaurs and takes them all for himself. Chef Squid Squid complains that it's unfair, so Junior gives him one tiny dinosaur. Chef Squid Squid still thinks it's unfair, complaining that he only has one dinosaur and Junior has an entire army of them, but Junior explains that there are "levels" to the dinosaur game and Chef Squid Squid needs to rise through the ranks. The two then get ready for their dinosaurs to fight, but Junior effortlessly wins and yells at Chef Squid Squid for sucking at the game. Chef Squid Squid calls Junior a cheater but Junior calls him a sore loser.
Junior then decides he's hungry and asks Chef Squid Squid to cook him a Happy Meal. Chef Squid Squid explains that he can't cook one and tries to persuade Junior to eat something healthy and easy to prepare. Junior throws yet another temper tantrum which causes Chef Squid Squid to furiously scream in Junior's face.
Chef Squid Squid reluctantly drives Junior to McDonald's and they order a chicken nugget Happy Meal with a toy. The two get home and Chef Squid Squid is annoyed to discover that Junior only wanted the toy, having completely discarded the food. Junior looks for his toy, but can't find it anywhere. Chef Squid Squid says that Junior doesn't deserve a toy anyway for misbehaving, and Junior starts crying.
To shut Junior up, Chef Squid Squid brings him a pair of scissors and lies about it being the Happy Meal toy. Junior is confused, so Chef Squid Squid tells him that you're supposed to throw the scissors in the air and catch them in your mouth. Junior enthusiastically does so and accidentally stabs himself in the eye. Chef Squid Squid laughs at Junior's pain, just as Eugene walks in.
Eugene is furious, explaining that the convention was cancelled and he had to come home early. Chef Squid Squid tries to tell Eugene that McDonald's gave Junior the scissors, but he doesn't believe him. He consequently decides to punish him by making him play trains with him.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E1: Timmy's Homework! [February 18, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
SpringBoob, Sassy Cheek, and Timmy embark on a movie night, watching Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred. However, their peaceful gathering is quickly disrupted by Timmy and his cat piano, a gift from Sassy Cheek. SpringBoob's irritation reaches its peak as Timmy's incessant playing ruins their movie experience. Just when SpringBoob thinks things can't get worse, there's a knock on the door, and Saul Goodman pays them a visit.
Saul Goodman informs SpringBoob that he must teach Timmy a range of subjects, including the alphabet, counting, math, English, art, and even a sport with Sassy Cheek. Failure to comply could lead to dire consequences. Initially, SpringBoob becomes infuriated and contemplates extreme measures to avoid the stress, but Sassy Cheek intervenes, expressing her anger and urging him to reluctantly agree.
The first lesson focuses on the alphabet. SpringBoob asks Sassy Cheek to bring flashcards, but Timmy's fascination with the animal pictures causes distractions. SpringBoob improvises and switches to a whiteboard. To everyone's surprise, Timmy recites the alphabet backward and follows it up with his signature diaper-spanking routine.
Moving on to counting, SpringBoob becomes increasingly frustrated as Timmy fixates on the objects depicted on the cards rather than the numbers. SpringBoob prematurely declares the lesson over, but Sassy Cheek encourages Timmy to continue, much to SpringBoob's dismay. When asked to count, Timmy amusingly recites the alphabet instead.
The math lesson proves to be another challenge. SpringBoob asks Sassy Cheek to provide cue cards, but Timmy mishears it as "cucumbers." Timmy's answers, such as claiming 6 + 1=5 and introducing the concept of "baby numbers," leave SpringBoob utterly bewildered. A heated discussion ensues, with Timmy resorting to censored cursing. Despite SpringBoob's insistence on correct answers, Timmy stubbornly clings to his unconventional reasoning.
In English class, SpringBoob and Sassy Cheek introduce phonics using flashcards. Timmy's mispronunciations and repeated "why?" responses due to the letter 'Y' lead to comical exchanges with SpringBoob. The lesson proceeds swiftly, and they move on to the next subject.
Art class involves coloring, where Timmy's enthusiasm often results in messy outcomes. SpringBoob tries to maintain composure, passing off the chaos as practice. However, Timmy surprises them by coloring a smaller bug neatly within the lines, earning praise from SpringBoob and Sassy Cheek. For the sports lesson, SpringBoob suggests tee ball as a safe option. He demonstrates the rules to Timmy, who initially displays confusion but eventually manages to hit the ball. However, Timmy's swing takes an unexpected turn, knocking SpringBoob unconscious with the bat.
The episode concludes with SpringBoob, his face bruised and bandaged, sitting alongside Sassy Cheek. They discuss his injuries when Saul Goodman arrives to administer Timmy's exam. SpringBoob, still frustrated, shouts at Timmy to stop playing the cat piano. Amid the chaos, Saul Goodman reveals that Timmy's exam results are abysmal, despite claiming he passed with flying colors. SpringBoob attempts to correct the mathematical errors, but Saul Goodman stands firm, declaring "Timmy's Law of Subtraction" and confusingly advocating for Timmy's flawed reasoning. SpringBoob, unable to bear the absurdity, resorts to an unexpected self-inflicted nasal injury.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E2: Locked Out! [February 22, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
SpringBoob serves Timmy a plate of peas and a Coca Cola in a sippy cup during dinner. However, true to his mischievous nature, Timmy intentionally spills the Coke and secretly dumps the peas into the stool, pretending to have eaten them. Infuriated, SpringBoob uncovers Timmy's deceit and decides to teach him a lesson by devouring his dessert right in front of him—a delicious chocolate cake. But just as SpringBoob retrieves the cake from the refrigerator, Timmy flees the scene, leaving SpringBoob seething with anger.
Determined to get his revenge, SpringBoob ventures outside to the lanai in search of Timmy, only to have the door locked behind him. Frustrated, he tries various methods to regain entry, from windows to the front door and even the garage, but Timmy cunningly thwarts his every attempt. SpringBoob's desperation grows as he seeks assistance from the police officer, PC Plum, only to be met with disappointment.
Refusing to give up, SpringBoob resorts to crawling through the attic in a final bid to outsmart Timmy. However, his efforts prove futile as Timmy once again outwits him, leaving SpringBoob defeated. In a last-ditch effort, SpringBoob pleads with Timmy through the security camera, offering him another chocolate cake as a bargaining chip. Surprisingly, Timmy agrees, and SpringBoob finds himself hidden inside the cake, ready for his revenge. As Timmy receives the promised chocolate cake, SpringBoob emerges from within, causing Timmy to be terrified. However, SpringBoob's triumph is short-lived as Timmy swiftly locks him outside once more, dashing SpringBoob's hopes of exacting his revenge. At that moment, PC Plum arrives on the scene, appalled by SpringBoob's actions and promptly arresting him for trespassing, mistaking him for a drunken intruder.
Back in the living room, Timmy lounges on the sofa with his chocolate cake, blissfully unaware of the chaos that ensued. He watches the news on TV, where the incident involving SpringBoob, dubbed the "drunk chocolate cake man," is reported. The segment ends with Timmy innocently asking his signature question, "Why you do that?" while enjoying his cake, blissfully ignorant of the turmoil caused.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E3: Timmy Loses His Arms! [February 26, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with Timmy sitting on the red couch, telling SpringBoob that he lost his arms. SpringBoob assures him that his arms are in his shirt, but Timmy insists they are not. SpringBoob demonstrates by pulling one arm out of his shirt, and Timmy hilariously mistakes it for his "peepee." This prompts SpringBoob to make a bet with Timmy that he can't use his arms for the day, with a $100 reward if he succeeds.
Timmy accepts the challenge and asks SpringBoob to shake on it with his "peepee," but SpringBoob declines. Later, Timmy needs to use the bathroom but struggles because he can't use his hands to wipe. The scene cuts to Timmy with a smudge on his face, and SpringBoob assumes it's poop. However, Timmy insists it's chocolate cake. To verify, SpringBoob checks the bathroom and discovers chocolate cake there. Just then, Fatfrick enters and accuses SpringBoob of eating his cake. SpringBoob denies it, and Fatfrick promises to investigate after he finishes his "massive crap."
After returning, SpringBoob questions Timmy if he pooped, to which Timmy reveals that he did it in his pants to avoid dirtying the toilet. Timmy expresses concern about getting pulled over more often since he can't drive properly without his arms, but SpringBoob reassures him that his arms are still in his shirt. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door, and Brooklyn T. Guy enters, throwing a football at SpringBoob while Simmons records with a camera. They inform them that they are part of a show called "Can You Catch That?" where participants attempt to catch a football for a chance to win $50,000. SpringBoob wants to participate again, but they explain that the same person cannot try more than once. Timmy volunteers instead.
Timmy impressively catches the football with his mouth, but there's a second part to the show where they have to catch a $50,000 check. Unfortunately, Timmy blows on the check and misses, resulting in no winnings. SpringBoob is disappointed, accusing Timmy of not trying hard enough. Timmy insists he did his best, but SpringBoob dismisses his efforts. Frustrated, SpringBoob tells Timmy to make something to eat without his arms. Timmy attempts to make Cheerios using only his mouth but keeps dropping the bowl, the Cheerios box, and the milk. Each time, he exclaims in frustration before finally eating the spilled Cheerios off the floor.
As SpringBoob goes to the bathroom to wash his "balls," he notices the broken window and realizes that Simmons has broken into the house. Simmons threatens to shoot SpringBoob, prompting him to instruct Timmy to call 911. Just as Simmons is about to pull the trigger, Brooklyn throws a football at SpringBoob, revealing it to be part of another TV show called "Can You Catch That While Being Robbed At?" Brooklyn rewards SpringBoob for being a good sport with a free $20 gas card. The episode concludes with Timmy still attempting to call 911, unaware that it was all part of a TV show.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E4: SpongeBob Fanon Wiki! [March 2, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
In the fucking episode, Timmy fucking expresses his goddamn enthusiasm for joining the fucking SpongeBob Fanon Wiki to SpringBoob. He fucking excitedly talks about creating his own SpongeBob SquarePants character and sharing his fucking fanfiction stories with other fans. However, SpringBoob takes a fucking disapproving stance and vehemently fucking refuses to let Timmy join the wiki.
SpringBoob belittles Timmy's interest in the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, fucking mocking him for wanting to engage in fanfiction and calling it a "waste of time." He fucking insists that Timmy should fucking focus on more "important" activities instead of indulging in such frivolous pursuits. Timmy becomes fucking disheartened and tries to explain how much joy and creativity the wiki brings him, but SpringBoob dismisses it as fucking nonsense.
Throughout the fucking episode, Timmy feels torn between his fucking passion for SpongeBob and SpringBoob's fucking disapproval. He fucking secretly starts working on his SpongeBob character and stories, hiding his creations from SpringBoob. Timmy fucking yearns for validation and acceptance from someone he looks up to.
One fucking day, SpringBoob accidentally fucking stumbles upon Timmy's hidden sketches and writings. Instead of showing understanding or support, he ridicules Timmy's efforts, fucking belittling his creativity and calling it "childish nonsense." This fucking deeply hurts Timmy, who had hoped for a different outcome.
As the fucking episode progresses, Timmy becomes more fucking determined to prove himself and show SpringBoob the value of his creations. He fucking decides to share his work with other SpongeBob fans on his own terms, disregarding SpringBoob's fucking disapproval. Timmy finds a fucking supportive community on the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, where his ideas are welcomed and celebrated.
In the fucking climax of the episode, SpringBoob realizes his fucking mistake and witnesses the joy and fulfillment Timmy experiences through his participation in the fanon wiki. He fucking acknowledges his previous ignorance and apologizes to Timmy, expressing his newfound appreciation for Timmy's creativity and passion. The fucking episode ends with SpringBoob embracing Timmy's interests and actively supporting his involvement in the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki. It serves as a fucking lesson about the importance of recognizing and encouraging individual passions, as well as the fucking power of finding acceptance and validation within a community of like-minded enthusiasts.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E5: Where's Timmy? [March 6, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The fucking episode begins with SpringBoob getting fucking annoyed by Timmy's goddamn loud play with a bunch of shitty toys like a freaking unicorn piñata, a rubber chicken, maracas, and a fucking cat piano. Sassy Cheek fucking shows up at the damn door wearing a fucking necklace and tells SpringBoob she's fucking leaving the shitty city for three goddamn days, leaving SpringBoob with the shitty responsibility of taking care of Timmy. SpringBoob fucking doesn't want to babysit Timmy, because as soon as Sassy Cheek leaves, Timmy starts fucking playing with all his shitty toys again, making SpringBoob fucking contemplate extreme measures. So he fucking decides to take Timmy to the fucking park. SpringBoob buys Timmy a fucking Happy Meal, and they fucking go to the shitty park together. SpringBoob says he has to fucking go back to the goddamn apartment to use the fucking restroom, leaving Timmy alone.
When he fucking gets back to the fucking apartment, SpringBoob fucking looks for Sassy Cheek's fucking necklace and can't fucking find it. He fucking starts panicking and calls Sassy Cheek, who fucking reveals that she saw Timmy wearing the fucking necklace. SpringBoob fucking rushes back to the park in a goddamn frantic search for Timmy, fearing the fucking worst.
SpringBoob fucking notices French fries from Timmy's fucking Happy Meal and his fucking helmet in the goddamn nearby lake, leading him to fucking believe that Timmy had a fucking accident. Overwhelmed with fucking guilt, SpringBoob becomes emotional, fearing the fucking consequences of his fucking mistake. Suddenly, a fucking nut falls from a fucking tree and fucking hits SpringBoob, prompting him to fucking look up and find Timmy sitting on a branch.
SpringBoob pleads with Timmy to fucking come down, but Timmy fucking refuses and starts fucking pretending to be a squirrel. SpringBoob fucking attempts to coax him down by saying he's a fucking bad boy for staying up there, causing Timmy to fucking cry but still not fucking come down. SpringBoob mentions that Timmy's fucking helmet misses him, which fucking prompts Timmy to jump down from the fucking tree. SpringBoob fucking realizes that Timmy doesn't have the fucking necklace, and Timmy reveals that he fucking gave it to a fucking squirrel, who is now running away with it.
Later, Sassy Cheek fucking calls SpringBoob to fucking inform him that she'll be fucking returning home that fucking night. SpringBoob, fucking feeling devastated and believing their fucking relationship is ruined, goes back to the fucking apartment and becomes emotional, contemplating the fucking situation. However, when Sassy Cheek fucking arrives, he fucking confesses the truth about the fucking necklace and fucking contemplates the impact of his fucking actions. Fortunately, Sassy Cheek fucking interprets it as a fucking misunderstanding, revealing that Timmy had the fucking necklace all along. Before fucking leaving again, Sassy Cheek spends time fucking playing with Timmy and all his fucking toys from the beginning of the episode. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E6: Chef Squid Squid's Clone! [March 10, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
Eugene Junior asks Chef Squid Squid for toast, just fucking simple toast. Chef Squid Squid is about to put bread in the goddamn toaster, but his fucking tummy hurts, so he leaves for the fucking bathroom.
Eugene Junior tries to make the toast himself, so he fucking presses a random button, which clones the fucking bread. Eugene Junior clones other fucking things like his toy train and his fucking coloring book.
Chef Squid Squid comes back, and Eugene Junior fucking tricks him into going into the toaster and fucking clones him. Chef Squid Squid gets fucking mad and calls the fucking police. When Eugene sees Chef Shit Shit (Chef Squid Squid's clone) in the fucking kitchen, he fucking thinks it's Chef Squid Squid being naked in the fucking kitchen and leaves to get a fucking belt.
Eugene Junior and Chef Shit Shit go to Eugene Junior's room so they can have a fucking party with Eugene Junior's toys. Then Chef Squid Squid goes into the fucking kitchen (while still calling the fucking police), and Eugene comes back and accuses Chef Squid Squid of being naked in his fucking kitchen earlier and is even more fucking surprised by the fact that Chef Squid Squid called the fucking police on who he fucking thinks was him. He then fucking proceeds to whip Chef Squid Squid with the fucking belt as the latter tries to explain to Eugene about what fucking truly happened.
Meanwhile, in Eugene Junior's fucking toy room, Eugene Junior and Chef Shit Shit are playing with fucking toys. While playing with fucking giraffes, Chef Shit Shit accidentally fucking knocks over one of Eugene Junior's fucking giraffes. Chef Shit Shit then fucking cries while Eugene Junior explains to him that the giraffe is just fucking sleeping. Chef Shit Shit then fucking decides that Eugene Junior and him should be fucking friends forever. They both fucking cheer. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E7: Eugene Junior's Three Wishes! [March 14, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
As Chef Squid Squid is washing fucking dishes, Eugene Junior approaches the slimy bastard and asks if he wants to play with toys. Chef Squid Squid obviously fucking declines because he's got shit to do.
But Eugene Junior, bored out of his fucking mind, goes full-on insane and asks to help Chef Squid Squid wash the dishes. Fucking surprised, Squid Squid hands him a canteen to scrub like a little shit.
And guess what? As the dumbass Eugene Junior is scrubbing away, he fucking releases a mystical genie. This genie offers him three damn wishes, and Chef Squid Squid immediately insists that the wishes should be used for his sorry ass.
But hold the fuck up! The genie refuses because Eugene Junior was the dipshit who set him free. So Chef Squid Squid, using his twisted persuasion skills, convinces Eugene Junior to use the first wish to send his sorry ass to some remote tropical island.
Chef Squid Squid is overjoyed with the idea, but guess what? Eugene Junior, the fucking idiot, gets lonely and uses the second wish to bring his slimy friend back home. That's right, Chef Squid Squid is fucking dismayed by that turn of events.
And if you thought things couldn't get any more fucked up, Eugene Junior spends his last wish to turn himself into a goddamn dinosaur. Chef Squid Squid can't believe his fucking eyes and yells, "NO, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!" Eugene Junior transforms into a fucking dinosaur and starts annoying the shit out of his father. As he shows off his dinosaur form to Chef Shit Shit, the slimy bastard is initially scared shitless but then decides to ride on Eugene Junior's back like a fucking lunatic. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S4E8: The Move! [March 18, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
Well, shit hits the fan in a colossal way for Eugene, the fucking weirdo, Eugene Junior, the little shit, Chef Squid Squid, and that annoying Chef Shit Shit. Their godforsaken house turns into a goddamn disaster zone, forcing them to pack their sorry asses and get the fuck out.
Let's start with the plumbing catastrophe. A motherfucking tsunami floods Eugene's house, turning it into a goddamn swimming pool. But oh, that's not all! At the same goddamn time, Chef Squid Squid, being the genius he is, manages to set the kitchen ablaze with his culinary fuck-ups. The whole goddamn house becomes a charred mess.
And just when they think things can't get any worse, Chef Shit Shit enters the scene. With his clumsiness level over 9000, he knocks over a precious collection of rare artifacts that Eugene's dumbass family had. Shattered to pieces, irreparable, gone forever. That's the final nail in the coffin for Eugene's house.
So, with their shitty living conditions and a house that's better off as a dumpster fire, Eugene, Eugene Junior, Chef Squid Squid, and Chef Shit Shit have no choice but to swallow their pride and accept the offer from Timmy's family to move into their goddamn home. Can you believe that shit? Their previous dump becomes a complete disaster, and they have no fucking choice but to crash into Timmy's family's house. Yeah, good luck with that.
It's a fucking disaster from the get-go. The place is cramped as fuck, Eugene Junior is pulling his dumbass pranks left and right, and Chef Squid Squid's kitchen is a goddamn mad scientist's lab. SpringBoob and Sassy Cheek are on fucking edge all the time, trying to keep their adopted little shit Timmy safe from the chaos.
But you know what? Amidst the madness, some fucked-up kind of camaraderie starts to form. Timmy’s family finds some twisted humor in Eugene's messed-up jokes, and believe it or not, Chef Squid Squid's culinary experiments occasionally don't taste like shit.
As the days pass, this unholy mix of people forms some fucked-up bond. Laughter, understanding, and a whole lot of weird shit become the glue that holds them together. They navigate the challenges of living under one roof, sharing both love and frustration along the way. Before they know it, the house becomes a godforsaken place where both families somehow find acceptance. They realize that despite the madness, they have created a twisted and dysfunctional home, where their fucked-up personalities blend into one glorious mess. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E2: Timmy's Kids! [March 22, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
Timmy informs SpringBoob and Sassy that his Cheerios box appears inflated. Initially indifferent, SpringBoob eventually yields to Timmy's insistence. Brooklyn Guy, expressing reluctance due to a past box-related incident, warns against another. Upon investigating, Brooklyn Guy discovers three heartbeats emanating from the Cheerios box.
Upon opening it, Brooklyn Guy finds two smaller Cheerios boxes (Pusshole 1 and 2) and another resembling a deformed Timmy, dubbed Timmy Junior. Brooklyn T. Guy consumes the Cheerios afterbirth. Back home, Timmy breaks the news to SpringBoob and Sassy. While Sassy is thrilled, SpringBoob is not as enthusiastic, noticing the deformities in Timmy Junior. Timmy Junior babbles, prompting Timmy to instruct him to be quiet.
Timmy feeds Timmy Jr a "junk food mix," but the latter throws the plate. Consequently, Timmy grounds Timmy Jr and sends him to bed. Simultaneously, Eugene Junior craves cereal and consumes Pusshole 1 & 2. Timmy recounts a twisted version of Goldilocks' story to Timmy Junior, wherein “Goldifucks” meets a grisly end at the hands of bears. Timmy Jr then shits himself, leading Timmy to place him in a toilet until he "learns how to use it." Mysteriously, the toilet lever activates, flushing down Timmy Jr.
Observing Eugene Junior eating/murdering Pusshole 1 and 2, Timmy calls the cops on Junior. Brooklyn Guy apprehends Eugene Junior for murder. Timmy reveals the demise of Pusshole 1 & 2 and the disappearance of Timmy Jr (flushed down the toilet). SpringBoob asserts that Timmy is not old enough to have kids. Timmy then proceeds to demonstrate to SpringBoob how he impregnated the Cheerios box using a bagel (Stinkhole) and a banana (Hippodick). And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E3: Timmy's Drivers License! [March 26, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with SpringBoob looking for Timmy so he can go to school. SpringBoob sees Timmy's pencil fall out of nowhere and notices Timmy hiding on top of a ceiling fan blade. SpringBoob turns on the fan to get him off. After grabbing his pencil, they head to the car.
SpringBoob starts to back up his car quickly and accidentally touches the side of Saul Goodman's Lamborghini Huracan Performante. Saul Goodman comes out and demands SpringBoob to give him his driver's license. Back inside, Saul Goodman says he's going to tape SpringBoob's driver's license onto a rocket and shoot it into space towards the sun. SpringBoob decides to call the cops, but Saul Goodman already did.
Brooklyn Guy comes in and gets bribed into allowing Saul Goodman to do this, and that SpringBoob can't get another license. After Saul Goodman leaves with SpringBoob's license, Brooklyn Guy says he can get SpringBoob a new license in a month, but someone will have to drive him around in the meantime. After a bit of convincing (And the fact that "A police officer can do anything and get off scot-free"), they decide to allow Timmy to take a driving test. At the driving test, Timmy does his all-too-familiar "Why?" bit, and starts the car, where he gets scared at the car starting up. Brooklyn Guy then calms him down. However, though, Brooklyn Guy said he was missing something.
Brooklyn Guy: "Okay Timmy, now what's the first thing you do when you start the car?"
Timmy: "Honk the horn."
Brooklyn Guy: "N- No, why would you honk the horn?"
Timmy: "To let the hoes know I'm coming."
Timmy doesn't know what he is missing, and Brooklyn Guy tells him that he needs to use the seatbelt. However, Timmy refuses to use the seatbelt. Brooklyn Guy couldn't stop him, so he let it go since he has a helmet. Timmy now has to go through a series of tests to pass.
Test 1: First, Timmy was told to run over a cone that Brooklyn Guy said was his ex-wife. He did, and he passed the test just for hitting it.
Test 2: The second test for Timmy is a police simulation where Timmy gets pulled over by a cop. During the test, Brooklyn T. Guy shows up outside of the car asking what he is in a rush for and if he has any drugs. He said he doesn't, and Brooklyn T. Guy then asks whether he has a driver's license. Timmy said no and got pulled over. SpringBoob got worried, and Timmy is then pulled out for checks. SpringBoob then asks if the test is over, and Brooklyn T. Guy replies yes. They then went back into the car.
Test 3: The third test is the drunk man test where Brooklyn Guy pretends to be drunk, and Timmy has to not give the keys to him. Brooklyn T. Guy keeps telling him to give him the key, but Timmy refuses. This is until Brooklyn Guy talks about how he will be fired at work, making Timmy feel sympathetic for him, causing him to give him the keys. Brooklyn Guy loads the key and starts the car, and it wobbles around hitting cones. Brooklyn Guy was going to fail him but decided not to because he hit the cone, which he calls his ex-wife. SpringBoob, however, was angry at this.
Test 4: The fourth test is for Timmy to hit the cones again. Timmy has to go through a series of cones and not knock over any of them, assuming they are on a parking lot. Timmy manages to dodge all of them by a margin at the end. Brooklyn T. Guy then finally told him to pretend that the cone is his ex-wife, so he then drove back knocking all of them.
Test 5: Brooklyn Guy tells Timmy to drive to McDonald's. Timmy does so, and Brooklyn Guy says he's gonna pretend to be a spoiled brat and he tells Timmy to order a Happy Meal for him. SpringBoob asks what this has to do with driving, and Brooklyn T. Guy says all people do this when they have kids. Timmy is in the drive-thru and tells Brooklyn Guy he's getting apple slices, but Brooklyn Guy whines like a brat, and Timmy gets a Happy Meal anyway.
At the house, Brooklyn Guy tells Timmy that he passed, and SpringBoob is proud of him. Brooklyn Guy looks through the Happy Meal and then he asks for Timmy's license back. He says that Timmy failed because there's no toy in the Happy Meal, and since toys are what makes them Happy Meals, Brooklyn Guy is not happy. SpringBoob says they can go back to McDonald's, but Brooklyn T. Guy says that doesn't count, so he tells SpringBoob goodbye and to wait 30 days to get his license back. Saul Goodman arrives at the house and shows SpringBoob the spaceship that he taped his license to and shows him the launch button. Saul Goodman tells SpringBoob to say goodbye to his license. SpringBoob says goodbye, and Saul Goodman launches the rocket into the sun, destroying the spaceship and SpringBoob's license. Saul Goodman says that was so beautiful and was worth every penny and then leaves. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E4: Timmy's Fidget Spinner! [March 30, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with Timmy playing his elephant piano. Timmy and SpringBoob then decide to imitate each other. SpringBoob comes across a fidget spinner commercial that claims it can silence anyone who plays with it. Intrigued, SpringBoob gets Timmy a fidget spinner, successfully quieting him until the spinner stops, prompting SpringBoob to spin it again for Timmy.
Meanwhile, Eugene Junior is stabbing Baymax. He then answers the door for his best friends Felix and Oliver, who mock him for not having a fidget spinner like they do. Determined to get one, Eugene Junior promises to obtain his own. The scene transitions to Chef Squid Squid cooking blindfolded. His attempt to throw two eggs into the pot goes awry, cracking all over the stove. Eugene Junior asks Chef Squid Squid for a fidget spinner, and Chef Squid Squid hands him a beer bottle, claiming it's a "limited edition fidget spinner," which Eugene Junior accepts.
Timmy is seen with his fidget spinner on his nose, helmet, and crotch, showcasing various creative uses. SpringBoob, reluctant to keep spinning it, is persuaded by Timmy. While SpringBoob is in the bathroom, Eugene Junior notices Timmy's fidget spinner and knocks him out with the beer bottle from Chef Squid Squid.
SpringBoob searches for Timmy's fidget spinner to prevent him from playing the elephant piano. He calls the store, inquiring about fidget spinner availability, but the employee laughs at him, spinning a fidget spinner. Eugene Junior shows Felix and Oliver his fidget spinner, but they dismiss it, opting to play with bendy straws. Enraged, Eugene Junior hurls the fidget spinner to the ground, breaking it.
SpringBoob eventually finds the fidget spinner, realizing it's completely destroyed and fears Timmy will become annoying again. Distraught, he goes to the living room, where he sees Timmy staring at the ceiling fan. SpringBoob realizes Timmy doesn't need a fidget spinner as the fan serves as a giant one. Despite SpringBoob's warnings, Timmy insists on sticking his "pee pee" in the ceiling fan, leading to a thud as the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E5: Eugene Junior Gets Rabies! [April 3, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with Eugene Junior engrossed in coloring. A knock interrupts his artistic pursuits, revealing his best buddies, Felix and Oliver. Felix proudly displays his new ball, claiming it can "bounce to the Moon." Oliver disputes this, leading Eugene Junior to seek clarification from his father.
Eugene is found in his bedroom, tuned into the news, predicting rain. When Eugene Junior requests to go outside, Eugene denies permission due to the impending rain, even threatening to wash his mouth with soap if he disobeys. Eugene Junior, misunderstanding the consequences, persists in his plea.
Eugene Junior informs Felix and Oliver about the rain and the soap threat. Despite the warning, the trio decides to venture outside briefly, aiming to prove Oliver wrong about the ball's bouncing capabilities. An unfortunate bounce lands the ball outside the playground fence, and Eugene Junior coerces Felix to retrieve it. A squirrel appears, and against Oliver's advice, Eugene Junior attempts to pet it, leading to a bite on his arm. The trio rushes back home without the ball. Concern arises as Felix and Oliver notice a red blister on Eugene Junior's arm. Oliver speculates rabies, triggering Eugene Junior's misguided belief that he's about to become a father, having misheard "rabies" as "babies". Confusion ensues until Oliver clarifies the situation, emphasizing the seriousness of rabies. Ignoring warnings, Eugene Junior applies a Band-Aid, believing it will cure him.
Despite Oliver's persistent warnings, Eugene Junior dismisses the severity of rabies and engages in lighthearted activities. In a quiet moment, Eugene Junior hallucinates and exhibits erratic behavior, scaring his friends. Once seemingly calm, he reveals a drawing for a Nickelodeon contest and suggests playing trains.
Suddenly, Eugene Junior transforms into a foaming rabid creature, frightening Felix and Oliver. They escape as Eugene Junior hisses at them. In the kitchen, Chef Squid Squid plans a snack when rabid Eugene Junior arrives. Initially thinking it's a joke, Chef Squid Squid panics upon realizing the situation, calling the police. He sets a trap with Golden Thomas the Tank Engine, Eugene Junior's favorite toy, leading to Junior's capture.
The police instruct Chef Squid Squid to administer a pill, resulting in Eugene Junior biting his hand. Unfazed, the police consider it worthwhile. The next day, Eugene Junior claims recovery while Felix and Oliver notice Chef Squid Squid foaming at the mouth. Eugene Junior comically attributes it to Chef Squid Squid having "babies," leading to poking him with a stick. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E6: Chef Squid Squid Meets Jason Derulo! [April 7, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with Chef Squid Squid preparing his signature dish, the "Squid Squid Special." Eugene and Eugene Junior enter the kitchen, eager for dinner, but they refuse to eat Chef Squid Squid's creation, deeming it unappetizing. Disappointed, Eugene decides to order McDonald's instead, much to Chef Squid Squid's dismay. Eugene Junior criticizes Chef Squid Squid's cooking abilities before leaving the kitchen. Overwhelmed with emotion, Chef Squid Squid breaks down, expressing his desire for a celebrity to appreciate his culinary skills.
To his surprise, Chef Squid Squid receives a call from Saul Goodman, informing him that Jason Derulo wants him to become his personal chef in Los Angeles. Excited by the opportunity, Chef Squid Squid rushes to Eugene's room to share the news, bidding farewell as he anticipates his new role with Jason Derulo. Eugene reassures Chef Squid Squid that he'll return, albeit with skepticism. With excitement, Chef Squid Squid leaves a note for Eugene, informing him of his departure to Los Angeles to join Jason Derulo's team.
In Los Angeles, Chef Squid Squid begins cooking for Jason Derulo, but his culinary creations fail to impress the celebrity, leading to Chef Squid Squid's immediate dismissal. Homeless and disheartened, Chef Squid Squid finds himself on the streets of L.A.
Meanwhile, Eugene Junior discovers Chef Squid Squid's note and decides to travel to L.A. to find him. After locating Chef Squid Squid, they realize they cannot afford a plane ticket back home. Instead, they embark on a journey back, encountering a fortunate discovery—a McDonald's bag containing $50,000. With their newfound wealth, they indulge in luxury purchases but soon realize they've spent all but $100.
Their joy is short-lived when Chris-R arrives, demanding his fucking money. Panicked, Eugene Junior and Chef Squid Squid search the McDonald's bag for more money, but find only a single dollar bill. Eugene Junior negotiates with Chris-R, who reluctantly departs.
However, their relief is short-lived as Saul Goodman arrives, demanding repayment. Unable to comply, Chef Squid Squid offers his culinary skills as repayment, presenting his infamous "Squid Squid Special." To their surprise, Saul Goodman reminisces about his childhood upon tasting the dish and lets them go without repayment.
Chef Squid Squid and Eugene Junior are relieved and grateful for their unexpected escape from financial trouble. And the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E8: The Easter Egg Hunt! [April 11, 2018] {ChatGPT} ===
The episode begins with Eugene Junior, Chef Squid Squid, SpringBoob, and Timmy decorating Easter eggs. While Eugene Junior and Chef Squid Squid admire each other's eggs (the latter's egg is simply painted white with the word "JERK" on it), Timmy paints his face on one but denies it when SpringBoob points it out. SpringBoob tries to explain, but struggles to communicate with Timmy, leading to frustration. In a fit of anger, SpringBoob throws an egg at the wall, shattering it and inadvertently releasing the Easter Bunny Spirit, who informs them that a golden egg is hidden in the house. The finder of the golden egg will be granted one wish, with the caveat that it cannot be for additional wishes, and will also set the spirit free.
SpringBoob and Timmy rush into the living room, searching fervently for the golden egg. Timmy overturns a table, prompting SpringBoob to encourage his reckless behavior in the pursuit of finding the egg. Meanwhile, Chef Squid Squid and Eugene Junior head to the kitchen, where they argue over who will discover the egg first. Their search is interrupted by the doorbell, signaling the arrival of Junior's friends. Despite his exhaustion, Junior explains the egg hunt to Oliver and Felix, who eagerly join in.
As SpringBoob and Timmy continue their search in the living room, they encounter Chef Shit Shit. SpringBoob briefs him on the golden egg, prompting Chef Shit Shit (Chef Squid Squid’s clone from that one episode) to join the hunt. Tired of the kitchen, Chef Squid Squid ventures into the bathroom, only to find Fatfrick occupying it. After informing Fatfrick about the egg hunt, he joins in too.
Meanwhile, Timmy mistakenly believes he has found the golden egg, which turns out to be a regular yellow egg. As Timmy goes to answer the door for pizza delivery, he informs Brooklyn Guy about the egg hunt, who decides to participate as well. With everyone searching fruitlessly, they decide to seek help from the Easter Bunny Spirit. Everyone starts to complain about the whole competition, begging for at least a hint. Timmy starts to complain too, saying all he found is a certain egg.
Timmy holds up an egg, "the" golden egg that is. Being Timmy, he is completely unaware that he found the golden egg by himself, and he wishes he had found it. Since Timmy "did" find it, all it does is let out a little flash, making his one wish meaningless. Timmy then tries to give SpringBoob the egg, ignoring how devastated and livid everyone is that Timmy wasted the wish, and in turn, their time, leading to Timmy getting brutally beaten up by the lot of them.
The freed Easter Bunny Spirit finds amusement in the chaos and wishes the audience a Happy Easter as the fucking video ends there.
===(S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E9: Timmy's Fun Day! [April 15, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode starts with Timmy spanking his diaper on the red couch and then gets bored, so he goes outside to spread white paint on the fence. Once he thinks it looks good, he sits down to watch the paint dry for the rest of the episode. And the fucking video ends there.
=== (S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E10: Timmy's Parents! [April 19, 2018] {ChatGPT}===
The episode begins with SpringBoob and Sassy attempting to coax Timmy into eating his green beans. Timmy, however, adamantly refuses, donning a bib with “I’m not eating that shit” on it. Meanwhile, breaking news interrupts, revealing the tragic suicide of the esteemed artist Fiasco. Sassy mourns the loss, reminiscing about the painter's peculiar technique of snorting paint onto canvases. Amidst the conversation, Timmy discreetly discards his green beans and falsely claims he's finished them.
The discussion is interrupted when SpringBoob gets a phone call from Saul Goodman, stating that a woman in the office just spoke with him and said that she dropped off a kid at SpringBoob's house. Upon hearing this, SpringBoob instantly gets overjoyed and tells Saul Goodman to send the woman his address. When SpringBoob comes back to the living room, he tells the two that Timmy's real mother is coming to pick him up, upsetting both Sassy and Timmy.
A raspy crude-looking woman with heavy makeup appears at the door, introducing herself as Marjorie, Timmy's mom. Once she gets inside, she asks for alcohol-flavored coffee, despite (possibly) being pregnant. SpringBoob asks Marjorie why Timmy was dropped off with him, to which she responds that she just needed somebody to watch him while she was at the grocery store. SpringBoob asks her why it took her a morbillion years to go to the grocery store, in which Marjorie said it was hard to find. But Timmy tells Sassy and SpringBoob what really happened:
In reality, Marjorie drove Timmy to the apartment complex, where she intended to abandon him. Timmy tells Marjorie that she didn't want to leave her, but Marjorie tells him that he was ugly, stupid and a waste of her time. Timmy asks what to do if he forgets his name, so Marjorie writes it on his shirt. Marjorie then puts a note on Timmy's shirt that says, "Please Babysit....sorry". Marjorie drives off, leaving Timmy at the apartment. He comes across SpringBoob's apartment door, and knocked on it, meeting SpringBoob for the first time.
After Timmy tells what happened, Marjorie starts to beat him for "lying." Despite seeing Timmy get beat by her, SpringBoob tells him to leave with Marjorie, but Timmy and Sassy are both reluctant. Marjorie eventually drags Timmy away, while Timmy pleads with SpringBoob to help him. Sassy is now furious at SpringBoob for letting Marjorie take Timmy away, telling him that Marjorie beats him. Sassy breaks up with him and leaves in anger. Meanwhile, Timmy is still fighting, refusing to go with Marjorie. She tells Timmy her true intentions. Since his father died, he left millions of dollars to Timmy, so when he turns 18, all the money would be hers to keep. Timmy tells Marjorie that he didn't like her and didn't want to live with her, causing her to beat him again.
Meanwhile, SpringBoob begins to miss Timmy, even playing his cat piano. He even pretends he is happy. Timmy tells Marjorie that he is hungry. Among hearing this, Marjorie applies the brakes. She then says that Timmy must wait a week until the check comes in before he can eat again. Timmy then escapes out the car window and runs back to SpringBoob's house. He begs SpringBoob to let him stay, but SpringBoob still refuses at first, but decides to let him in until Marjorie returns to pick him up.
A few minutes later, Marjorie arrives and lies to SpringBoob that she was getting Timmy a Happy Meal from McDonald's and he ran away. SpringBoob then makes a call and tells Marjorie and Timmy to sit down. Marjorie starts beating Timmy senselessly, only for a police officer to arrive and arrest Marjorie for prostitution, child abuse and some other things.
SpringBoob considers sending Timmy into foster care but feels bad for him and reluctantly decides to adopt Timmy. Brooklyn T. Guy then gives SpringBoob a ripped piece of paper he found in Marjorie's purse. SpringBoob realizes he has the other piece to it. The note was from Fiasco and SpringBoob and Brooklyn T. Guy find out he was his father. SpringBoob thinks Timmy could live with Fiasco but Brooklyn T. Guy reminds him of his death and how he left all his money to Timmy, but he doesn't actually get it until he's 18. SpringBoob then mumbles “I guess I’ll adopt him” but is embarrassed when forced to say it out loud. Brooklyn Guy then tells SpringBoob if he's a good parent he could get some of the money in six more years. SpringBoob decides that he is a good parent because he agreed to adopt Timmy before learning about the money, and Timmy is left in SpringBoob and Sassy’s custody. SpringBoob now fully accepts his responsibility to be Timmy's adoptive father.
The next day, SpringBoob, Sassy, and Timmy are all sitting together on the couch, with Timmy playing his cat piano. Sassy asks SpringBoob why he won't tell Timmy to stop, to which SpringBoob responds with: "Not today. Not right now. This one's for me." allowing Timmy to play his piano as a way of finally accepting him into the family. And the fucking video ends there.
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E1: Originality [June 5, 2018] {Locknloaded23 and FDBackup}===
(Theme song plays)
(Cuts to Pampers and Spongecicle in front of Sponge's house)
Pampers: im bored Spongecicle.
Spongecicle: me too. What is there to do on a warm day like this?
Pampers: i don't know and JEEZ it's hot out.
Spongecicle: woo! Im sweating!
Pampers: uh... Spongecicle?
Spongecicle: yes pampers?
Pampers: that's not sweat...
Spongecicle: what? Oh no... IM MELTING! AAH!!
pampers: we gotta get you outta here!
(They run into Pamper's house)
Pampers: (putting Spongecicle in a freezer)
Pampers: stay in there while i find a cooler.
Spongecicle: but why cant i just stay in he-
Pampers: quiet! Im looking!
(Pampers looks in his attic)
Pampers: (off screen) nope... Nope... Gosh darngit! (Walks in) where's my Damn cooler?! Ah! Here it is!
(Pamperds falls out of the attic and the cooler knocks the fridge over and Spongecicle falls out)
Spongecicle: Pampers!!!
Pampers: i got the cooler! (Holds cooler up)
Spongecicle: quick! Put me in before i melt!
(Pampers grabs Spongecicle and puts him back in the freezer)
Spongecicle: few! That was close!
(Zooms out to reveal Pampers melting)
Spongecicle: oh shi-
(Not Squidward plays the trumpet. Curry slimes in.)
Curry: Meow.
Not Squidward: AH! Curry, what are you doing here?
Curry: Meow.
Not Squidward: Aw. Are you trying to annoy me? Well, why don't you GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!
(Not Squidward throws Curry out the window. We hear a splat sound. Pan down to reveal Curry landed perfectly.)
Curry: Meow.
(Curry slimes back in.)
Curry: Meow.
Not Squidward: GODDAMMIT!
(Not done!!)
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E2: Plankles! [July 15, 2018] {Locknloaded23}===
(Episode starts with Plankles behind a rock looking towards the Krusty Crack)
Plankles: nows my chance to finally get that BLASTED formula!!!
(Cuts to Plankles tip-toeing in the crack)
(Cuts to Mr Crack’s office with Mr crack sleeping)
Plankles: (jumps onto desk) perfect! He's asleep! Now to just go to the safe aaand...
Mr Cracks: (jumps into scene with hammer) Freeze! (Hits plankles with hammer) ararar! You fell for the ol’ “desk sleep” trick!
Plankles: i hate you!
(Cuts to outside the crack)
Mr crack: (kicks plankles) and stay out you booger!
(Cuts to Plankles sneaking back)
Plankles: this is gonna be it!!
(Spongecicle walks out and steps on Plankles)
Plankles: ooow!!!
Spongecicle: woops! Sorry plankles!
Plankles: I'll get the formula some other time!
Spongecicle: good luck with that! (Walks off)
Plankles: wait a minute! If i disguise myself as that popsicle fool, i could retrieve the formula in a snap!
(Cuts to plankles in his office with Who karens. Plankles is building something off-screen)
Who karens: what are you doing now?
Plankles: oh you'll see honey! Annnd VOILA!
(Camera moves to plankton next to a costume of Spongecicle)
Who karens: i dont wanna know.
Plankles: (hops in costume and walks out laughing)
(Cuts to Plankles walking into the Krusty crack with his costume)
Plankles: reporting for duty… sir.
(Plankles attempts to move his arm up but fails)
(Cuts to Not Squidward)
Not Squidward: right. (Puts his Porn magazine in front of his face)
Spongecicle: (walks through doors) good morning si- whAa?!
Plankles: uh… yes im getting right to work! (Runs towards crack’s office)
Spongecicle: Squidtard, did you see that?
Not squidward: dont call me Squidtard! And no.
(Cuts to Mr crack in his office. Plankles walks in.)
Plankles: reporting for duty!
Mr crack: Spongecicle, me boy! What do ye want?! Get back to cooking or i whip you! (Holds up a whip)
Plankles: i um, forgot the formula!
Mr cracks: WHAT?! (whips Plankles)
Plankles: ow!
Mr crack: (sighs) i guess i could get the formula.
(Mr cracks opens the safe)
Mr cracks: take this.
Plankles: (jumps out the costume and grabs formula) hahaha! Fool! Now i have the formula! (Runs out)
Spongecicle: (runs in) mr crack! Plankles stole the formula!
Mr cracks: i know. Just let him be.
Spongecicle: what?!
Mr cracks: you'll see.
(Cuts to Plankles running into the cum bucket)
Plankles: (inside the cum bucket) hahahaha! Now it's time to find out the formula!
(The cum bucket explodes)
Plankles: ow…
(Cuts back to Mr cracks)
Mr cracks: ararar!
Spongecicle: whu?!
Mr cracks: it's a safety thing i have. If the formula leaves the restaurant, it explodes!
Spongecicle: whu?!
Mr cracks: ararar!!!
Plankles: curse you!
(Outro plays)
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E3: President Pampers [July 15, 2018] {thatjess}===
(the episode opens with Pampers and SpongeCicle watching the news, SpongeCicle is sitting next to a cheap fan at full blast)
Pampers: Could you turn it down a bit? I’m trying to watch the- (shits himself) tele… (Pampers turns the fan down to its weakest setting)
SpongeCicle: Hey! Do you realise how hot it is out there? (he turns the fan back up to full blast)
Pampers: We’re at home, not at the strip club! (turns the fan back down again)
SpongeCicle: As you would know… (turns it back again up to full blast)
Pampers: (annoyed) Oh my f-ing God! Just turn it down! (turns it back down again)
News Reporter: (on TV) This just in, New Sealand President Donald Duck has just resigned! (SpongeCicle immediately melts)
Pampers: (sarcastically) Oh my God! I hope he’s OK!
SpongeCicle: (weakly) I’m fine, thank y-
Pampers: I’m not talking about you, you horrible excuse of a living ice lolly! I’m talking about President Donald Duck! He’s just resigned!
News Reporter: (on TV) I am here at the scene right now. President Donald Duck resigned after he was hospitalised after mixing meth with viagra!
Pampers: Well, that’s not good, is it?
SpongeCicle: (still weak) So is his full title now Non-President Donald Duck or-
Pampers: (happily) This is the happiest day of my life! Y’know what this means? They’ll probably get someone like Daffy Duck or FDBackup to replace him!
SpongeCicle: (still weak) FDBackup would make a good president.
News Reporter: (on TV) ...and no one is willing to take his place! First person who gets down here within the next five minutes is officially our new president, at least that’s what it look like. (listens into his earpiece) You serious? (pause) Wow… You’re crazy! Write a resignation letter on my behalf, Pat, I’m officially the new Presi-
Pampers: (arriving on location) When do I get my free cookies?
News Reporter: Huh?
Pampers: I’m the first person here, I’m the new president!
News Reporter: Well, uh…
Secretary: (a limo arrives on location, she steps out) Congratulations! You are now New Sealand’s new president!
Pampers: YAY!
News Reporter: But- But- But-
Secretary: Don’t be use such foul language, you bottom-feeder!
News Reporter: B- B- B- But- (Not Squidward comes running and stands next to them)
Not Squidward: (panting) Did I, uh, make it on time?
Secretary: Unfortunately not, Squidward.
Not Squidward: What the- (annoyed, angrily) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!
Secretary: Come on Mr., uh…
Pampers: Did you assume my gender?
Secretary: Sorry, Miss, uh…
Pampers: I’m male.
Secretary: But you just-
Pampers: (annoyed) Just hurry up, already!
Secretary: Uh… We must go now, Mr., um…
Pampers: Pampers. President Pampers.
Secretary: Did your parents really name you after a diaper brand?
Pampers: No, they named me after Pampers Baby Dry Size 6.
Secretary: Well, President Pampers, the black house awaits!
News Reporter: (muttering) Racist!
Not Squidward: Can I come too?
Pampers: Sorry, Squidward. Presidential stuff calls! (he flies off)
Not Squidward: (angrily) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD! I AM NOT SQUIDWARD! (storms off)
Secretary: Did he just fly away? (gets back into the limo and drives after him)
Reporter: (as he speaks the camera zooms out of the TV to reveal SpongeCicle still lying on the floor, having melted) So, uh, back to you in the studio, Bob.
SpongeCicle: Meep.
(cut to Pampers being shown to his desk in the black house)
Pampers: Ooh! My very own office room! (shits himself) HUH!
Secretary: Yes. (sarcastically) Very exciting. Ahem. This is the telephone, this is your swingy chair-
Pampers: Not an ordinary chair! (the secretary looks very confused) A swingy chair! I’ve never shat- I mean sat on one of these before! (he hugs it as if he’s never seen one before) I love you. (he stops hugging it)
Secretary: Uh, yes.
Pampers: Oh! (pointing to a big red button) What does this button do?
Secretary: (panicking) DON’T PRESS THAT! It sends a nuclear bomb out somewhere. We don’t know where yet, but it would be best not to press it without good cause.
Pampers: (proud) Very wise, a bit like myself.
Secretary: (a bit freaked out) I’ll just leave you to it. Oh, and here’s your presidential paperwork. (she gives him a stack full of paperwork)
Pampers: Aww, why does being the president have to be so hard? (the secretary leaves a room to find an insane Not Squidward waiting in the corridor)
Not Squidward: (pointing to his crotch) YOU SEE? SEE THE BLACK DOT ON MY CROTCH? SQUIDWARD DOESN’T HAVE A BLACK DOT ON HIS CROTCH! AND I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!
Secretary: SECURITY! (security come and carry Not Squidward away)
Not Squidward: NO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! (screaming) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!!! (cut to outside The Cum Bucket, Plankles is adding a sign in the window stating that President Pampers used to work here, his brother Plank-ees walks by)
Plankles: Hey, bruv.
Plank-ees: What’s up, brudda?
Plankles: Not much. The Cum Bucket isn’t doing so well recently.
Plank-ees: Oh, congrats, by the way, Plankles.
Plankles: On what?
Plank-ees: Your former employee Pampers is the president now.
Plankles: (proud) He takes after me.
Plank-ees: I wonder what sort of presidential matters he’s getting up to right now.
(cut back to the black house Pampers has made his paperwork into paper aeroplanes, has decided to blast ‘Everybody Hates Red Flanders’ at volume 11 and is constantly shitting himself while spinning around on the spinny chair)
Pampers: HUH!
(cut back to outside The Cum Bucket)
Plankles: Wanna try a cumberland burger?
Plank-ees: (disgusted) I’ll, er, pass on that one.
Plankles: Oh, I’m popping out later tonight, Plank-ees. I’ve got another heist.
Plank-ees: You still trying to get the crack patty secret formula?
Plankles: Yeah. I never succeed, but I’m always high on weed… ...anyway.
(cut back to the black house, Not Squidward is climbing a ladder up to Pampers’ office)
Not Squidward: Must… show… them… the tr… truth! (he reaches the top a throws a rock at the window, this hits Pampers’ head)
Pampers: Ouch. (a lightbulb appears over his head, he puts on a fake scream, the secretary and a bunch of security guards and first aiders come running)
Secretary: What’s the matter, your presidential-ness?
Pampers: He tried to assassinate me!
Secretary: For f**k’s sake, it’s Squidward again!
Not Squidward: (angrily) WHAT? I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!!! (he screams as he is carried away, the secretary presses a blue button on the desk and the building goes into lockdown mode)
Pampers: This is fun!
(cut to the next day, the secretary enters the office to find Pampers religiously worshipping the spinny chair)
Secretary: Uh, what are you doing?
Pampers: (calmly) Don’t interrupt me.
Secretary: But, uh, sir, you’re the one who called me in here.
Pampers: Oh yeah. (he kisses the spinny chair) Be back in a minute, love. We have a date tonight.
Secretary: I’ll, uh, be ‘chair’ing you in! (laughs at her own bad joke, before realising how bad it really is) Ha, ha, huh…
Pampers: Unnamed Secretary, I wanna make a new law!
Secretary: I’m afraid that that isn’t exactly how it works.
Pampers: OK. (he is about to press the red button when the secretary stops him)
Secretary: (afraid) NO!!! I mean, uh… What law do you want to make?
Pampers: I wanna make sand illegal.
Secretary: Well, that might be impossible because, um, sand IS everywhere.
Pampers: Do it!
Secretary: No.
Pampers: I have a button here with the ability to nuke who knows what-
Secretary: (reluctant) Fine. Anything else?
Pampers: Oh, I declare war on SpongeBot Entertainment.
Secretary: But why, sir?
Pampers: We don’t like them.
Secretary: Uh… (Not Squidward bursts through the doors with a sack over his shoulders, he throws it on the floor revealing Squidward)
Not Squidward: SEE? THIS is the real Squidward! That is Squidward! AND I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: (sleepily) Where am I? (security are heard running up the stairs)
Not Squidward: (scared, angry, annoyed) NO! THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
Secretary: Squidward, I would very much appreciate it if you left us all alone.
Not Squidward: (angrily, screaming) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!
Security Guard: (arriving at the door) Which one of you is the one we’re after?
Not Squidward: (pointing to Squidward) That one!
Squidward: Huh?
Pampers: (annoyed) WHY CAN’T ME AND THE BEAUTIFUL SPINNY THE SPINNY CHAIR JUST BE LEFT ALONE?
Security Guard: You’re both coming with us until we figure out this mess.
Not Squidward: Catch me if you can! (pushes Squidward to one side and onto the red button while he runs off)
Pampers, Secretary and all the security guards: NO!!! (an explosion is seen and the episode abruptly ends)
=== (P*) Pampers: The Series S1E4: Not Squilliam [July, 2018] {Locknloaded23} ===
Not Squidward's rival, Not Squilliam, comes to town. Meanwhile, Pampers is trying to fight everlasting boredom.
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E5: The Pringle's Curse [July, 2018] {FireMatch}===
(Episode starts with a shot of mr cracks taking a walk)
Mr crack: ah, tis a beautiful day. The sun is out, the clams are chirping and there's not a flower in the sky.
(Mr crack trips over a lump in the ground)
Mr crack: JESUS (dolphin noise) i think i mightve stubbed my... Foot stump? (Looks over to the lump) hey wait a minute... That's no lump.. That be buried treasure!
(Mr crack starts digging it out and picks it up)
Mr crack: arrr, what be inside? (Opens chest) dear god... It be gold dubloons!
(The flying pringle comes in through smoke clouds)
The flying Pringle: arr! Gimme my treasure!
Mr crack: sorry, but finder's keepers!
The Pringle: gimme my treasure!!!
Mr crack: ahahaha, it be mine now!
The Pringle: i dropped it off my ship and now it landed here! Gimme it back!
Mr crack: no! It be mine!
The Pringle: that's it!
(Orange Smoke fills the sky)
The pringle: (speaking in a demonic tone) i shall set a curse on you till you give me treasure back!
Mr crack: there no such thing as curses! Oh he's gone... Guess this be mine then! Ararar!!! (Runs off)
(Cuts to mr crack at the Krusty crack counting his loot next to the cash register)
Mr crack: what a sucker.
(Pampers walks in)
Pampers: good morning crusty crew!
Guy offscreen: it's "good morning cracky crew!
Pampers: huh?
(Cuts back to pampers walking in)
Pampers: good mornimg kru-Cracky crew! Nailed it!
(mr cock walks in)
Mr cock: i want crack pattie!
Mr crack: oh great, he's here.
Pampers: hey, crack, what's with that chest you got there?
Mr crack: arr, i stole from a ghost pirate and he said (mimicking Pringle poorly) Aaaarrr, gimme me dubloons back or i curse you! (Speaking in his regular voice) ararar!!!
(W.i.p!!)
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E6: Mr Crack the drug addict [2018] {Locknloaded23}===
Mr. Crack becomes a drug addict and Pampers has to help him.
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E7: BOOBS! [2018] {thatjess}===
Pampers and co. discover that Not Squidward is literally attracted to cleavage, and must keep him away from it when possible.
=== (P*) Pampers: The Series S1E8: Aussies, Mate [2018] {FireMatch}===
When Crash Cheeks breaks up with Crash Bandicoot, she decides to move to Bikini Bottom. Everyone starts making fun of her weird funny accent and things like that.
===(P*) Pampers: The Series S1E9: Oh shit, Zombies! [2018] {thatjess and Locknloaded23}===
(Episode begins with a sPo0kY version of the Pampers theme song)
(Cuts to a shot of the city in the daytime)
Narrator: Twas Halloween night when the darkness fell… um, just a sec. (the city suddenly turns to night while a snapping sound plays) That's better.
(Cuts to Pampers and Spongecicle walking around town. Pampers is dressed as a diaper and Spongecicle is dressed as a devil.)
Pampers: Spongecicle, did it suddenly just get dark?
Narrator: (furious) Shut up! (normal voice) Anyway, the town was infected with an incurable disease, called rap.
Pampers: Was it?
Narrator: Just go with it!
Pampers: Fine.
Spongecicle: I can’t wait to go trick-or-treating!
Pampers: Why are two grown-ass men going trick-or-treating?
Narrator: FOR CRYING OUT-
(briefly cuts to the tv colour bar error screen and then cuts back)
Spongecicle: I can’t wait to go trick-or-treating!
Pampers: Me neither! Hey, let's go to Not Squidward’s house!
Spongecicle: Why not?
(Cuts to them going to the front door of NS’ house)
Pampers: (knocking on door) FBI, OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!!
(short silence)
Not Squidward: (from the inside) Leave me alone you pieces of human feces!
SpongeCicle: Rude...
Pampers: Aww…
(They both walk off. Cut to a shot of them walking)
Pampers: We could always try the Krusty Krack! And uh-wait, what's a human?
Mr crack: (offscreen) Come one, come all…
SpongeCicle: Ooh! We're one and we're all!
(Cuts to them walking towards the KK. Crack is dressed like Plankles)
Mr Crack: Oh hey, me boy!
Spongscicle: Hi Mr. Crack!
Mr. Crack: Please, not in front of the children!
Child Wearing a “Smoke Weed Everyday” Cap: Can we go to the Krusty Krack please, mommy?
Child’s Mom: Sure!
Child Wearing a “Smoke Weed Everyday” Cap: YAY! (the two walk in)
Mr Crack: Anyway-
Matchy: (jumps out behind a bush) THIS SHOW IS DEAD!
Mr. Crack: STOP FAPPING IN CLASS, MATCHY!
Matchy: I hate you guys! (runs off, crying)
Mr. Crack: As I was saying, what are you two doing here?
Pampers: Oh, we’re just two sad grown-ass men trick-or-treating, as grown-ass men do.
Mr. Crack: Oh, of course, I totally understand. I s’pose ye would wanna take some candy out of me bucket! (magically pulls out a plastic bucket filled with “candy” probably from a dollar store from behind his back)
SpongeCicle: Um… aren’t those illegal drugs you’ve got in there?
Mr. Crack: Nope.
(awkward silence)
Pampers: We’ll take a couple.
(they take a couple “bars of candy” each from the bucket - Plankles walks by dressed as Mr. Crack)
SpongeCicle: Oh, hey Plankles!
Plankles: Look, I was gonna go easy on you and not to hurt your feelings.
Pampers: Huh?
Plankles: But I'm only going to get this one chance.
Mr. Crack: Are you okay?
Plankles: Something's wrong, I can feel it.
(Pampers, SpongeCicle and Mr. Crack all look at eachother, and then they look at the drugs)
Mr. Crack: He’s on to us.
Plankles: Just a feeling I've got, like something's about to happen, but I don't know what.
SpongeCicle: Should I call the police?
Plankles: If that means, what I think it means, we're in trouble, big trouble, and if he is as bananas as you say, I'm not taking any chances.
Mr. Crack: (he drops the bucket) IT WASN’T MY IDEA, I SWEAR!
Plankles: You were just what the doctor ordered.
Mr. Crack: (scared for his life) Please, have merc- (Plankles bites Mr. Crack) I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God.
Plankles: All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod.
Mr. Crack and Plankles: Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box? They said I rap like a robot, so call me Rapbot.
(the two approach Pampers and SpongeCicle, who immediately leg it into the Krusty Krack and barricade the doors - The Flying Pringle turns towards them, dressed as Donald Trump)
The Flying Pringle: What the fluff do you think you two are doing?
Pampers: THEY’RE ON TO US!
SpongeCicle: MR. CRACK GAVE US DRUGS AND PLANKLES CAME ALONG AND HE KNOWS!
Pampers: IT’S REALLY, REALLY BAD AND I THINK WE’RE GONNA GO TO JAIL!
(Mr. Crack and Plankles burst through the doors rapidly rapping Eminem’s Rap God)
The Flying Pringle: I don’t think they’re gonna sell you out.
Pampers: What do you mean?
The Flying Pringle (screaming) THEY’RE FLUFFING ZOMBIES!!!
Donald Duck: No shit, Sherlock. We need to get out of here pronto, Casper!
The Flying Pringle: Pardon?
Donald Duck: JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY INFECT YOU!
The Flying Pringle: (chuckles) I’m a ghost! Nothing can infect me! (Mr. Crack bites him, The Flying Pringle screams)
Pampers: ...and that’s how we lost The Flying Pringle.
SpongeCicle: Yeah…
(the customers get increasingly more infected every second, as Pampers approaches the window, carrying SpongeCicle like a giant mallet. Pampers uses SpongeCicle to smash the window open, and they flee)
SpongeCicle: Where are we going?
Pampers: (increasingly getting more and more out of breath as they run off) I… don’t… know…
SpongeCicle: Well, you better think of something quick, genius! Mr. Crack, Plankles, The Flying Pringle and basically everyone else inside The Krusty Krack are infectious zombies!
Pampers: Could… be… worse…
SpongeCicle: What do you mean “it could be worse”, you motherfluffer!
Pampers: Every… one… else… in town… could… be… zombies too!
(the two suddenly pause and realise that the zombies from the Krusty Krack are approaching them from behind, and another group of zombies are approaching them from the front)
SpongeCicle: Shit!
Pampers: Well buddy, I guess this is the end.
SpongeCicle: I guess so…
Pampers: See ya! (flys off)
SpongeCicle: (furious) PAMPERS!!!
(Pampers lands back at his house and he briefly goes in and walks out with a suitcase of belongings, he is followed by his pet snail Curry)
Pampers: Hopefully I can sell you off somewhere and live a life of luxury in my next new life. Think I might paint myself green this time…
Curry: Curry.
Not Squidward: (spying on Pampers from his window) What does that [redacted] imbecile think he’s doing? Eh, I couldn’t really care, anyway. Time to switch on some late-evening radio. (he turns his radio on and a rap station accidentally comes on) What the fuck? Someone’s been tampering with my radio! What number is my usual agai- (he becomes infected from the rap song and turns into a zombie) Ugh… (he walks out of his house and approaches Pampers)
Pampers: Hey, Not Squidward! Fancy seeing you here! Nice weather we’re having, hmm? You okay?
(pause)
Pampers: Not wanting to talk today? I understand, sometimes I can be too smart for people to handle. (realises that Not Squidward is a zombie) Uh-oh. (he picks up Curry and runs off in fear, we cut to him running through the town, until he notices a door open. He runs through the door, which is then barricaded shut by a mysterious girl) Woah, where am I?
???: You’re in an apocalyptic bunker, you idiot! This is where you’re probably gonna spend the rest of your worthless life!
Pampers: (chuckles) No, you see, I don’t think you understand. I’m gonna get as far away from here as possible, sell my pet snail, settle down somewhere nice under a new name, and spend the rest of my life there, okay?
???: At this rate, there won’t be anyway nice to settle down as those zombies are spreading as fast as Travis Penniall goes through his girlfriends!
SpongeCicle: And boyfriends!
???: Thank you, SpongeCicle, but that’s not the point.
Pampers: (shocked) SpongeCicle? You’re here too?
SpongeCicle: Yes, Pampers. And after what happened earlier, I don’t want anything to do with you.
Pampers: Look, it’s every man for him-
SpongeCicle: Please, it doesn’t matter. And also, please don’t listen this weirdo chick next to me. We know why these zombies are here, and we’re gonna have to do something about them.
Pampers: Well, the narrator did tell us at the start of the episode so you don’t have to sound so smart.
== 2020 ==
=== (S) Tony's 3D World [March 14, 2020] {thatjess} ===
Tony's 3D World is a 3D platformer video game about Tony travelling through a 3D world in order to buy some more toilet paper.
He also makes new friends along the way and learns the true meaning of friendship.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E9: Boris Johnson's House Party (flashbacks, rest of episode in 2022) [June 19, 2020] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of 10 Downing Street at night. The words “June 19, 2020” scroll across the bottom left of the screen. Cut to the inside, where the Conservative party are throwing a very productive work event. Like A G6 is blasting in the background while Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and CrazySponge are smoking weed.]
Priti Patel: WAHEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
CrazySponge: I have no idea who you guys are, but I must say this is some party!
Boris Johnson: It is not a party, it is a very important work event!
Priti Patel: Yeah, yeah, sure. Wanna go for another round of shots, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Fuck yeah!
[Jacob Rees-Mogg walks in.]
Rees-Mogg: You enjoying your birthday part- I mean important work event, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Well, you know, I would have preferred to have had it in Peppa Pig World but considering we have to pretend to be self-isolating right now, this is the best work event I’ve ever had!
Sajid Javid: Say, who invited Keir Starmer?
[The camera pans over to Keir Starmer throwing up in the toilet.]
Keir Starmer: Oh, me? I never miss a Boris Johnson work event!
Boris Johnson: Yeah, that Keir Starmer is a right old lad when he’s not babbling on about “women’s rights” and “free speech” and all that crap. Now… let’s get down to business. Gay conversion therapy, eh?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: (laughs) I’m just kidding, I’m just kidding! It’s the weed talking, I’d never unban that!
[A shirtless Matt Hancock and Gina Coladangelo walk over, kissing.]
Matt Hancock: Say, Boris? No one’s gonna… you know, find out about this, hm?
Boris Johnson: Nah, of course not! Those muppets were stupid enough to elect me in the first place.
Priti Patel: Hand Cock does have a point-
Matt Hancock: It’s Hancock.
Priti Patel: Sure. Hand Cock does have a point though, if the people find out we’re breaking the law they’re gonna lose faith in us! We could get fined!
Boris Johnson: Pffffft! You worry too much, Patel. Trust me on this. No one is ever gonna fine us for breaking lockdown restrict-
[Cut to the present day; Perch Perkins is presenting the news on TV.]
Perch Perkins: BREAKING NEWS - Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just been fined for breaking lockdown restrictions!
[Boris Johnson throws a Peppa Pig plushie at the TV and it smashes.]
Boris Johnson: FUCKING WANKERS!!!!!!!!!
=== (Z) The Life and Times of Miklós Horthy S1E3: Shut the Lock Up [July 20, 2020] {Zoltan40} ===
*Opening sequence*
*Shows a big house with a sign with SBFW Discord on it*
Zoltan: Hello
Vanessa: Hello Zoltan
Polar: Hi
SpongeBot: Hello
Ian: Hi
CrazySponge: o
Luis: Hello
Zoltan: Hi, how are ya?
Vanessa: Good
Luis: Goood
Zoltan: So, what are we doing today?
Luis: I'm writing.
Polar: I'm writing too.
Zoltan: Kool
*Nothing happens for 10 seconds*
Zoltan: I can't take this anymore!
Lock: *Whistling*
SpongeBot: Huh?
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room! Huh? Don't be hatin'! High five!
SpongeBot: Lmao
*Cut*
Vanessa: Hm
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
NotJoe: I just made a mess in the other room!
Vanessa: Don't be hatin'!
Polar: High five!
SpongeBot: Ha
*Cut*
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room!
Polar: Don't be hatin'!
CartoonGuy: High five!
SpongeBot: Haha, this is great.
*Cut*
Ace: Hello
Vanessa: Hello Ace
NotJoe: Hey
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room!
SpongeBot: Ok, this is getting boring.
Lock: Don't be hatin'! High five!
Vanessa: Lock
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
NotJoe: Stop
Lock: Don't be hatin'! High five!
SpongeBot: Shut up!
*Cut*
CrazySponge: So, Box Attic will release on-
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
Crazy: I'm trying to make a fucking anouncment.
Lock: I just made a mess in the other room!
Crazy: IT WILL RELEASE ON-
Lock: Don't be hatin'! High five!
Crazy: UBTBWLHGs vliu [Đ][]*}łŁa ash jadf!!
Lock: Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room! Huh? Don't be hatin'! High five!
Crazy: IT LEST79 EAWAWE´`34QUK26N 5
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room! Huh? Don't be hatin'! High five!
Crazy: 2020! i'm done.
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
Crazy: Aaaauhauhhahahhahah!!!
*Cut*
Zoltan: So, how are we doing today?
Matchy: Good
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs? I just made a mess in the other room!
Vanessa: Stop
SpongeBot: Yeah
Lock: Don't be hatin'! High five!
Not-Joe: Enough is enough!
Zoltan: Shut the fuck up
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
Matchy: Ok, you wanted it!
*Cut*
SpongeBot: Hm
Dan: King Purps is coming!
Luis: Huh?
*Purple comes out of a door with a huge purple colored king cloak*
Purple: *Looks at a paper that says "If Lock say "Wassup diggity dogs" mute her."* Hm, Lock?
Lock: Wassup diggity dogs?
Purple: Hm, aaaand there goes a mute. *Mutes Lock*
Lock: Mmhmhhmhmp
Purple: Hahaha
*Purple's phone makes a beep sound*
Purple: Hm? *Reading* Pleeeeeease unmuuute meeeeee! *Stops* Hm, nooo *Types it down* *Reading* I'll do anything! *Stops* Hmm... Anything? *Reading* Yes! *Stops* Will you say that Box Productions is the best company on SBFW? *Types it down* Oh, aaaaaand she done it!
Lock: Phew, finally!
Purple: Will you stop?
Lock: Fuck no.
*Closing sequence*
=== (Z) The Life and Times of Miklós Horthy S1E1: Server Advertisement [July 24, 2020] {Zoltan40} ===
*Opening Sequence*
*Shows a tower with a sign saying "SBFW"*
Zoltan: Hello
Ian: Hey
CrazySponge: Uh, why did i got invited to Zolan's Ass?
*Zoltan looks shocked*
Zoltan: Oh that, it was just an- *Hears a notification* Excuse me.
*Zoltan runs to a little house with a sign saying "Zoltan's Ass"*
Aaaron: Oh
Zoltan: Oh
*Paige comes in*
Paige: Hello Friends
Zoltan: Oh no
Aaron: Why do you hate Paige so much
*10 seconds of silence*
Aaron: Do we dare invite the banana?
Zoltan: *Whispering in Aaron's ear* Are you having stupid?
Aaron: But- fine. But still, why do you dislike Call-
*Zoltan leaves and runs back to the SBFW tower*
Zoltan: Join my server!
*Silence*
Zoltan: I SAID JOIN!
*More silence*
Zoltan: Join already butts!
*Even more silence*
Zoltan: It has the best channels!
*Yet even more silence*
Zoltan: Join please! Someone? Anyone? You guys do really suck. Ok, What do you guys want?
*Silence*
Zoltan: Why does everyone hate me? I mean, i know why. But still!
Friday: I don't wanna join Zoltan's Ass, to be honest.
Zoltan: WHAT? IT'S THE BEST SERVER!
Friday: No thanks.
Zoltan: But-
Friday: Look dude, i just don't wanna get in your ass.
Zoltan: *Sigh* fine...
CrazySponge: o
Zoltan: JOIN!
CrazySponge: No
Zoltan: Aaah! *Walks back to the Zoltan's Ass house*
Zoltan: Since nobody is joining, who wants to be an admin?
Aaron: Yeah
Zoltan: Ok, *sticks a paper saying admin on top of him*
*MuterBot comes in*
Zoltan: Kool
*Cactus comes in*
Zoltan: Yes
Cactus: Yes >Do we dare invite the banana? He would probably try and Natrox the server.
Aaron: Exactly, and it would be funny to watch him fail at doing that.
Cactus: Am i allowed to post in music?
Paige: *In a Golf voice* I can make this server great again.
*Polar enters*
Polar: Thicc
Zoltan: Yes
Polar: Why is music NSFW? lol
Zoltan: *In a Golf voice* Because music is the enemy of the people!
Cactus: Please lord Zoltan could i post in music?
Zoltan: No.
Cactus: Bruh
Zoltan: Ok, you have it.
*CartoonGuy comes in*
Zoltan: Yes
CartoonGuy: Yoooooooooooooooooooo!
Polar: Yay i'm pink!
Cactus: *Shows a picture of Paige with a Hated sticker on her*
Zoltan: Yes.
Paige: *Shows a dancing Kirby gif*
Zoltan: Hollup
CartoonGuy: Wassup Diggity Dogs?
Zoltan: Wait a second! *Runs back to the SBFW tower.*
Ian: Bla bla...
Zoltan: JOIN!
Prim: Nah
Zoltan: Yah
Primitive: I don't wanna
CartoonGuy: Actually that server is clearly the best server ever. Trust me, i'm in it, and it's absolutely AMAZING! Zoltan did not pay me to say this.
Polar: If i say something like that will i get paid too?
Zoltan: Yes
Polar: The server is totally the best server in the world and you should totally join because you're missing out on all the cool action only found in Zoltan's Ass. Okay, how much am i getting?
Prim: I'm still not joining.
Zoltan: F u.
CartoonGuy: Zoltan's Ass is a fun place for fun people! It's filled with good shit and anyone can come in! Except Golf. JUMP RIGHT IN ZOLTAN'S ASS!
Prim: No. I'm not joining no matter what.
CartoonGuy: Well, you could get lost. Zoltan's Ass is very large.
Prim: I'm still not joining.
Ian: Holup
Aaron: There's an arcade in here.
Zoltan: Why no join me server? It great!
Överboard: Because we dont wanna be in your ass.
CartoonGuy: Come on, join Zoltan's Ass already! Anyone can come in it! It's as deep as it gets!
Paige: Indeed Zoltan's Ass is a very nice place. *Shows a picture of her being hated*
Överboard: Lol
Zoltan: Join already butts! There's a lot of great shit in there! You will also get paid! (and laid!)
*Silence*
Zoltan: Fine... *Runs back to Zoltan's Ass*
Zoltan: I'm back!
CartoonGuy: Make me admin and i'll pay you.
*Zoltan gives him a sticker with admin on it*
CartoonGuy: Thank you!
Cactus: Can i be hated?
Zoltan: No.
Cactus: Aw...
CartoonGuy: Mute Cactus!
MuterBot: Moderator or Above Only.
CartoonGuy: WHAT?!
Zoltan: Oh yeah, i forgot to add that.
*Runs to the server settings*
*Överboard comes in*
Över: The fuck you want?
CartoonGuy: Mute Överboard!
MuterBot: Ok, muted Överboard.
CartoonGuy: No profanity. Fucker. Unmute Överboard!
MuterBot: Ok, unmuted Överboard.
Överboard: F-
*CartoonGuy pushes every button untill Zoltan comes in*
Zoltan: Do not spam outside of #spam!
CartoonGuy: Oh. Sorry sir. won't happen again.
Zoltan: Ok
Aaron: Why does Paige have the Hated role.
Zoltan: Uh... EVERYONE DEADLINE!!!!!
Över: Shut up about the deadline!
Zoltan: No.
*Silence*
Zoltan: Ok, since i'm bored, let's invite... HIM...
Aaron: Might want to change Name first.
Zoltan: What should we change it to?
Paige: The Paige Fan Club!
Zoltan: Mute Paige!
MuterBot: Ok, mu-
Zoltan: Zoltan's Server!
Aaron: Kool.
*Zoltan runs out*
*Talking is coming from the other house*
*Zoltan comes back*
Zoltan: He said no.
Cactus: Awwww...
Aaron: Rip
Paige: Nooo
CartoonGuy: Wait, WHY WAS I DEMOTED?!
Zoltan: Idk.
CartoonGuy: *Makes an angry face*
Cactus: Oppresion.
Över: Wait, why did the server name change? I liked Zoltan's Ass.
CartoonGuy: I hacked the server. Jk Zoltan changed the name so "someone" wouldn’t complain about it had he joined.
Över: o
Zoltan: Be right back!
*Runs back to the SBFW tower*
Zoltan: JOIN! Please! This is my only job! I have a mouth to feed! Please! Join! *sigh* Fine... *Walks away*
CrazySponge: I don't think Nintendo would-
Zoltan: JOIN!
CrazySponge: No.
*Zoltan looks into the camera and facepalms as the episode fades out*
*Closing sequence*
=== (Z) The Life and Times of Miklós Horthy S1E3: Brand New Stuff! [July 25, 2020] {Zoltan40} ===
*Opening sequence*
*Shows Zoltan waiting in the Zoltan's Ass house*
Cactus: What are you waiting for?
Zoltan: You will see.
Aaron: Huh
*Tatsu comes in*
CartoonGuy: Epic.
Zoltan: Yes.
*Virtual Diner comes in*
Zoltan: Yes
SpongeBot: Finally!
Zoltan: What?
SpongeBot: I can order sex in your ass!
Zoltan: Um-
Polar: Order Sex on the Beach!
Virtual Food: Thank you, your order has been sent!
Zoltan: Ahem, spam.
Polar: kk
CartoonGuy: Zoltan, how did you add bots? I must know because... I have a server too...
Zoltan: .Invite
NotSoBot: Invite me to your guild with this url: *shows an url*
CartoonGuy: Ok.
SpongeBot: Order Sex on the Beach!
Virtual Dinner: Thank you, your order has been sent!
*Silence*
*The light goes out*
SpongeBot: Huh?
*Light comes back with a set like a play with Virtual Dinner as a narrator*
-le smash the door-
You : Eh?! Who are you?? -Grab le stabby to defend- ＼(º □ º l|)
Me : ;￣ロ￣）W-WAIT!! I am not a killer or a thief! I am just a delivery person! I am here to deliver food for you!
You : Oh! I will put my knife down now. Sorry!  Σ(･口･)
*The light goes out and comes back with the play set vanishing*
SpongeBot: What
Zoltan: Mute SpongeBot!
NotSoBot: Ok, mut-
Zoltan: *Gets a notification* Huh? *Checks phone*
SpongeBot on the Phone: Unmute me!
Zoltan: Unmute SpongeBot!
NotSoBot: Ok, unmu-
*Silence*
Zoltan: Mute SpongeBot! Gwahahahaha!
Aaron: Unmute SpongeBot!
Zoltan: Gasp
Aaron: Gwahahahaha
Zoltan: Mute Aaaron! Gwahahahaha!
Aaron: Gwahahaha!
Zoltan: Wait wut
SpongeBot: ...
Zoltan: Mute SpongeBot! Mute Aaron! Now that you're all muted, you can be sad! Gwahaha!
Cactus: Can i be censored?
Zoltan: Vanessa Bong Cactus!!!
Cactus: What?
Zoltan: Yes.
*Silence*
CartoonGuy: Can you please unmute them?
Zoltan: No.
CartoonGuy: But-
Zoltan: *Sigh* Fine. Unmute SpongeBot! Unmute Aaron! Unmute Cactus!
*Friday comes in*
Zoltan: YES
Friday: Hello
CartoonGuy: Wait, why is music an nsfw channel?
Zoltan: Golf.
CartoonGuy: *In a Golf voice* Because music is the enemy of the people!
Friday: Is there actual nsfw stuff on the music channel?
Zoltan: No.
Friday: Oh. thriller is the only michael jackson song i remember for not just being something weird al parodied.
Zoltan: did you read the rules? No music outside of the music channel!
Friday: I know but i can't type in music, i don't have permission.
Zoltan: Then ask for music role.
Friday: o. I don't really care. *Leaves*
Zoltan: NOOOOOO! WHY!? WHYYYYY?! THIS SERVER IS RUINED WITHOUT FRIDAY! AAAHHH! SAY YOUR FINAL GOODBYE TO THIS SERVER! I'M SHUTING IT DOWN! GOODBYE! AARON IS THE OWNER NOW!
CartoonGuy: What?
*Friday comes back*
Polar: Well, uh...
Zoltan: Wait wut?
Friday: Why am i here again?! I don't remember rejoining. I'm confused. Oh well. *Leaves again*
Zoltan: Oh.
Aaron: He's gone again.
SpongeBot: What the?
Zoltan: Anyways i will rewrite the rules.
CartoonGuy: What is going on?
Zoltan: Chaos.
CartoonGuy: Wait how can you change the rules you're not admin?
Zoltan: I'm the owner.
CartoonGuy: Oh.
Zoltan: Wait, where's my crown? Let me test something! *Runs out*
*Zoltan comes back with different clothes*
CartoonGuy: SpongeBot? Is that you?
Zoltan: No. I'm Zoltan lol.
CartoonGuy: Nah you are SpongeBot.
SpongeBot: Why am hated?
Zoltan: Ok, i'm done. I tested the roles.
CartoonGuy: Kool
Zoltan: Ok, i will be back... Someday. *Runs to the SBFW Crib tower*
CartoonGuy: Ok.
*Zoltan leaves as the camera fades out*
*Closing sequence*
===(Z) Bunny & Friends: Season 1 [July 28 - September 18, 2020] {Zoltan40}===
*Meet Bunny & Friends: Bunny tells about her friends like Pete and Mr. Sponge. [July 28, 2020]
*Bunny vs SBFW: Bunny goes on the SBFW Discord server. [July 29, 2020]
*Birth of Pete: CrazySponge gets killed by a house and his blood turns into a living creature that befriends Bunny. [August 1, 2020]
*Eating at the Krab: Bunny and Pete visit the Krusty Krab. [August 3, 2020]
*Bunny Hunting: Fox and Elmer Fudd try hunting for Bunny and Rabbit. [August 5, 2020]
*Emoji War: Blureyes and Pete have a war. [August 7, 2020]
*Heaven't: Mr. Sponge has a dream about everyone dying. [August 9, 2020]
*Back in the Crib: Bunny goes back on the SBFW Discord server. [August 11, 2020]
*Steamboat Bunnie: Bunny is in an old black & white cartoon. [August 12, 2020]
*It came from the Pond!: When Bunny, P [August 12, 2020]ete and Mr. Sponge are at the pond, a monster comes out of it. [August 13, 2020]
*The Return of Communism!: Krab brings back Communism. [August 15, 2020]
*Bot Revolution: When Bunny is on Discord the Bots take revenge on it. [August 17, 2020]
*The Return of CrazySponge: CrazySponge returns to the SBFW Discord Crib. [August 19, 2020]
*Bunny's Unpopular Opinions: When Bunny is on the server her unpopular opinions makes her hated. [August 21, 2020]
*Greenmario's Revenge: When Mario gets all the praise, Luigi takes revenge. [August 23, 2020]
*Bot Love: NotSoBot and Tatsu fall in love. (Still a better love story than Twilight) [August 25, 2020]
*Bunny's Clone: Bunny makes a clone of herself. [August 27, 2020]
*Polar, the Tem: Polar visits Bunny and her Friends. [August 31, 2020]
*Poopy the Poop: Poopy gets picked on by SBFW Discord users. [August 31, 2020]
*Neighbor Mood: Bunny, Pete and Mr. Sponge visits the Arbuckle household. [September 2, 2020]
*CancelledSponge: CrazySponge gets cancelled after doing bad things. [September 4, 2020]
*What the Hell: Mr. Sponge goes to Hell. [September 6, 2020]
*Smoking Seaweed: Turtle wants to eat Gras. [September 8, 2020]
*Disruption Man!: Disruption Man destroys the entire town, so Bunny and Pete have to save the day. [September 10, 2020]
*Tony or not Tony: Tony has an identity crisis, and Bunny has to help him. [September 12, 2020]
*Sun it Up: Bunny gets annoyed by Mr. Sun. [September 14, 2020]
*Bunny vs Thanos: Thanos tries to destroy the earth, so Bunny and Friends have to defeat him. [September 18, 2020]
=== (P) Pampers Online Season 1 [September 12 - October 6, 2020] {thatjess} ===
Prior to the events of the game Pampers decides to create an island paradise where totally original characters can live in peace. This ends up becoming "Original Island". With the help from his friends the island becomes a thriving community. Mr. Craps also decides to pitch in with the construction and constructs his own laboratory in the far north east end.
The first season of the game began on 12th September 2020 when the game launched. Because of this it is the only season without a theme, and also one of the game's shortest and most uneventful seasons.  
* September 12 - With the construction of Dusty Drive finally finished, more islanders arrive at Dandy Docks from the SS Pampers.
* September 16 - Mr. Craps' Laboratory is temporarily closed for the day due to undisclosed reasons, though Mr. Craps reassures everyone that everything is fine.
* September 19 - Mr. Craps is spotted by players at Honest Hospital. Huggies arrives from the SS Pampers along with new food items courtesy of SpongeCicle. Construction on new buildings begin.
* September 23 - At 4:37PM EST a crack appears in the sky above The Krusty Krack for 26 minutes which leaks XP across the map. The cause is unknown. Mr. Crack denies the occurrence of the event to the press.
* September 27 - Another crack in the sky appears above Dusty Drive at 8AM EST, leaking out more XP. Parts of the area temporarily resemble some kind of forest for roughly an hour before the crack closes. Mr. Craps' Laboratory is also closed for most of the duration.
* September 28 - Mr. Craps and Mr. Crack are spotted together at Grim Graveyard.
* September 30 - A cutscene is viewable from The Krusty Krack.
==== Cutscene ====
(Interior of The Krusty Krack. Mr. Crack is in his office counting his money when screaming is heard from the main dining area. He darts out concerned to find Mr. Cock being carried out by two mob members wearing all black uniforms.)  
Mr. Cock: (screaming) MR. CRACK!  
Mr. Crack: NO! MR. COCK! DON'T TAKE HIM!  
Mob Member: (monotonously) We're sorry.  
Mr. Crack: NO-  
(A gunshot is heard as we cut to Mr. Crack waking up startled from a daydream in Mr. Craps' Laboratory.)  
Mr. Craps: You okay?  
Mr. Crack: Uh... yeah.  
Mr. Craps: Look, I've been thinking. What if we didn't activate the machine as planned on the 3rd-  
Mr. Crack: No! We have to! There's no going back now!  
Mr. Craps: But it's been causing strange rifts all over the island! It's bad publicity! There are too many risk-factors! What if Pampers-  
Mr. Crack: Pampers doesn't need to find out!  
Mr. Craps: He already knows something is up! The whole damn island already knows something is up!  
Mr. Crack: You made a deal to set up your laboratory here, I doubt he can back down now.  
Mr. Craps: (sigh) Okay. Is this what you really want?  
Mr. Crack: Of course. It's the only way.  
Mr. Craps: Well, let's do this then.  
(They both give off sinister-sounding laughs as the screen fades to black.)
=== (Z) Bunny & Friends: Season 2 [October 1 - December 30, 2020] {Zoltan40} ===
*More Friends of Bunny: Bunny introduces more of its friends. [October 1, 2020]
*Somebody forgot to turn off the camera! Ahhh!!: The cameraman didn't turn off the camera so we see bunny and Pete swearing. [October 10, 2020]
*Frogs of the Wild: Bunny and Pete help Kermit with going back to his family. [October 18, 2020]
*Presidential Punch: Bernie runs for President but loses. [October 20, 2020]
*Journey to the Center of the Box Productions Inc. Studio: Bunny and her friends visit the Box Productions Studio, and get killed one by one. [October 22, 2020]
*Clock230: Bunny, Pete, Mr. Sponge and Holupsquid find a time machine and go through time. [October 24, 2020]
*Fox of the Opera: After Bunny and Rabbit go into an opera, Fox tries to eat them. [October 26, 2020]
*Inter-tainment: Bunny becomes a YouTuber and becomes famous. [October 28, 2020]
*Disruption Man Returns!: Disruption Man Returns and destroys everything while fighting a monster. [October 30, 2020]
*Book Bunners: Bunny and her friends join a book reading contest. [November 1, 2020]
*Blureyed Vision: Blureye secretly returns but Pete finds him. [November 3, 2020]
*Cats and Dogs at War: The cat and Dog emojis have a fight. [November 5, 2020]
*Mama Luigi: Luigi tells the story of how he met Clyde. [November 7, 2020]
*Heavenly Treatment: Bunny goes to heaven where Bernie treats it like a god. [November 9, 2020]
*Detective Animals: The animal emojis help Bunny in a murder mystery. [November 11, 2020]
*Fire Fox: Fox tries to kill bunny using fire. [November 13, 2020]
*Krabs's Army: Krabs reunites the Soviet Union and tries to take over the world. [November 15, 2020]
*Baldy's Basics: The bald emoji tries to grow back its hair. [November 17, 2020]
*Harassed Grass: Turtle chases Gras. [November 19, 2020]
*Petrick's Ship: Petrick travels to Tuvalu using a ship. [November 29, 2020]
*Fear of Food: Bunny realizes that Pete hates food, and tries to make him like it. [November 24, 2020]
*Bunny's Party: Bunny throws a birthday party for itself. [December 1, 2020]
*Rabbit Rock: Rabbit starts listening to rock music and gets addicted. [December 5, 2020]
*Disruption Man vs the World: Disruption Man returns once again but this time he got brainwashed by some evildoer. [December 10, 2020]
*Rich Bunny: When Bunny wins the lottery she becomes rich, but doesn't know what to spend it on. [December 15, 2020]
*Bungeon: Bunny accidentally falls into a Minecraft-esque dungeon where weird things happen. [December 20, 2020]
*A Very Bunny Christmas: Bunny throws a Christmas party. [December 25, 2020]
*Bunny's Big Battle: Thanos and Fox meet each other, and together they try one final time to catch Bunny. [December 30, 2020]
*After The End: We see what happened after the last episode. [February 1, 2021]
=== (P) Pampers Online Season 2: Oh shit, Zombies! [October 3 - November 13, 2020] {thatjess} ===
* October 3
** Another cutscene is viewable from the main menu.
** Briefing - "Mr. Craps and Mr. Crack have formed an alliance to bring back Mr. Cock from the dead. After various tests creating rifts all over Original Island, they have surprisingly succeeded and Mr. Cock lives! ...and so does a whole hoard of other supernatural creatures which now plague the island. Whoops. Hopefully no one will notice. In other news, Pampers is out of toilet paper again. Wait, is that Hoopla and Dave from SpongeThorne?! Yep, this is a crossover now. Looks like the rifts have pulled them in too. Luckily they can help, well they could if their ghost sucker didn't get destroyed in the portal. Guess you'll just have to help Pampers and friends take on the ghoulies with your bare fists until Hoopla can fix up a new one. On a lighter note, Halloween is completely coincidentally coming up soon and you can begin working on your costume at Fashion Frenzy, and start growing candy plants at your own farm. This Halloween will definitely be kreepier and kookier than usual..."
** More rifts have appeared over the island, and most locations have either been decorated for Halloween or overrun with ghouls.
** Gritty Gym is now Ghoulish Gym, The Krusty Krack is now The Kooky Krack, Barg'N-Mart is now Bargh'N-Marghrt, Friendly Farm is now Fortified Farm, Honest Hospital is now Haunted Hospital, Bodacious Beach is now Hoopla's Fantastic Beach, Grim Graveyard is now Ghastly Graveyard.
** Haunted Hospital's interior is completely inaccessible until further notice.
** The clothes shop Fashion Frenzy, Candy Forest, Mr. Crack's Mansion and The Flying Pringle's Ship are all now on the map.
** Candy can now be harvested from the Candy Forest and grown at the farm.
** The game takes place at nighttime for the duration of the season.
==== Cutscene ====
(Pampers is lounging in his house watching TV while eating pizza. The ground suddenly begins to shake, paintings fall off the walls, etc.)  
Pampers: What the-  
(The camera pans across the island as concerned citizens come out of their buildings to see what's going on. The sky turns dark as considerably more rifts than before appear over the island. We see a blue beam shoot out of Mr. Craps' Laboratory before cutting to Mr. Craps and Mr. Crack standing next to a machine presumably causing everything. Mr. Craps laughs while Mr. Crack shivers. Pampers, SpongeCicle and Huggies burst in.)  
Pampers: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!  
Mr. Crack: We, er-  
Pampers: I can't hear the TV over this noise!
It was just to the good part with the snails too!  
(A familiar looking silhouette begins walking out of a rift.)  
SpongeCicle: What the-  
Mr. Craps: (in disbelief) No! It actually worked!
(The silhouette is revealed to be Mr. Cock.)  
Mr. Crack: (gasps) Mr. Cock! You're back!  
(The two run towards eachother and embrace.)  
Mr. Cock: Pampers? SpongeCicle? (gasps) CRACK! Oh, brother, I knew you'd come beck for meh!  
Mr. Crack: Really?  
Mr. Cock: No! I wish I had your intelligentlemenness!  
Mr. Craps: Hey, I did all the heavy lifting!  
Pampers: You… brought him back?!  
Mr. Crack: I guess we did.  
Mr. Cock: This is teh best day of meh life!  
Huggies: Remind me who this is?  
(Mr. Craps' sidekick Big the Urchin rolls over to the group with a seashell.)  
Mr. Cock: (gasps) Shelby! I thought I'd never see you again!  
Huggies: Can someone please explain what's going on?  
SpongeCicle: He has a pet seashell?  
Huggies: No, everything else.  
(Screams are heard from outside.)  
Mr. Craps: Oh no.  
(The group peers out the window to find various paranormal creatures, such as ghosts and zombies, escaping from all the over rifts over the island.)  
Huggies: I am now even more confused.  
Mr. Craps: Yeah, I thought this would happen.  
SpongeCicle: Craps, please don't tell me you've just let a load of ghosts loose all over the island.  
Mr. Craps: Well okay then.  
Mr. Crack: You knew this would happen and yet let us continue anyway?!  
Mr. Craps: What? I tried to warn you and besides, we got your brother back.  
Mr. Crack: True.  
Mr. Cock: I mean I kind of like being alive.  
(Another rift appears in the laboratory.)  
SpongeCicle: Uh-oh.  
(The group huddles up ready to attack. Hoopla and Dave from SpongeThorne fall out of the rift.)  
Hoopla: oof  
Dave: Aw, why does something bad happen every time we try to get KFC?  
(Huggies grabs SpongeCicle like a sword and changes towards the two.)  
Huggies: ATTAC-  
(Pampers stops them.)  
Pampers: Wait, no! It's the funny Hoopla man!  
Dave: Ugh, where are we?  
Hoopla: Looks like that strange portal must have made us crossover into another dimension.  
Huggies: Ugh, it's the not-so-funny Hoopla man.  
Hoopla: Your flattering is nice, but we kinda want to go home.  
SpongeCicle: That could take a while.  
Pampers: Yeah, we kinda have a ghost problem right now.  
Mr. Crack: You don't need to rub it in!  
Hoopla: Huh, well that's great! We're ghost hunters! I just need to grab my ghost sucker and- (sigh) it's on the other end of the rift, isn't it?  
Dave: Big oof.  
Huggies: You can make a new one though, right?  
Hoopla: I guess… Yeah! We just need to find a nuclear accelerator and find some way to recreate a positron collide-  
Mr. Cock: I like your funny words, magic man.  
Mr. Craps: Hey, we should team up!  
Dave: I guess we have no choice.  
Pampers: We should probably go see if the citizens are okay.  
SpongeCicle: Yeah.  
Hoopla: Well, what are we waiting for?  
(fade to black)
==== Season 2 (cont'd) ====
* October 10
** Ghosts take over Mr. Crack's Mansion, kicking Mr. Crack and Mr. Cock out in the process. The interior is made temporarily inaccessible as a result.
** Hoopla and Mr. Craps' team-up to build a new ghost sucker isn't going as planned, so Hoopla asks the player to find parts for him over a series of daily challenges until October 17th. Dave also opens up his own daily challenges which usually involve bringing him food. He misses KFC.
** The farm shop starts selling pumpkin seeds and flytraps.
** More Halloween decorations for players' homes are available for purchase at Eyekeyah.
** Huggies takes over as Club Pampers' DJ. Strange noises can be heard throughout the building.
* October 17
** As Hoopla's daily challenges wrap up, he finally finishes building a second ghost sucker. Players who complete all the challenges are rewarded with a new SpongeThorne themed loading screen.
** The "Haunted Hospital" seasonal minigame opens up to all who complete Hoopla's challenges (see here).
** Club Pampers' basement is discovered to be housing a group of zombies who attack Huggies, who becomes zombified. A special raid opens up to save him.
** Eyekeyah starts selling working kitchen supplies, allowing players to cook their own food.
** New customisation features open up, allowing players to customise their furniture and clothes with their own design (these includes pumpkin carvings exclusively to the season). Designs can also be shared with and downloaded by other players.
** The Flying Pringle starts selling exclusive Halloween items, with stock changing every 24 hours.
* October 24
** Players who played while Picon's online service cost money through Picon Platinum (it became free earlier in the week) are given special legacy items and coins.
** The "Mr. Cracks's Mansion" minigame opens up to players who competed the "Haunted Hospital" (see here).
* October 27 - to pass the time while Hoopla gets their mansion back, Mr. Crack and Mr. Cock team up with Mr. Craps to... form a boyband apparently?
* October 29 - with most of the paranormal creatures defeated and the island heading back to whatever normal is, Mr. Craps begins working on a portal for Hoopla and Dave to get home and, more importantly, the island starts preparing for Halloween celebrations.
==== Halloween / Election Event (October 31 - November 8, 2021) ====
* October 31 -
** Mr. Crack, Cock and Craps became the Crackstreet Boys and perform their debut single, Everybody (Crackstreet's Back), live in-game at Mr. Crack's Mansion. Producer of the song Not Squidward also moves to the island.
** The one day only Treasure Hunt minigame is available at Fortified Farm (see below for more details).
** With all the paranormal activity cleared up, Pampers begins thinking about the future of the island and decides to hold a presidential election on November 7th. This cutscene is available. Pampers, Huggies, Mr. Craps and a mysterious penguin named Tennis decide to run.
** A Halloween fashion contest at Fashion Frenzy is held. Any player can sign up and the top three players will get a large sum of coins and exclusive items to the contest.
==== Cutscene ====
(Pampers is holding a meeting at the town hall.)  
Pampers: -and on that note I am proud to share that ghost shit is finally basically cleared up, all thanks to me.  
Dave: I mean Hoopla and I did most of the work.  
Mr. Craps: And me!  
Hoopla: You're still working on getting us home, right?  
Mr. Craps: Uh… sure. The portal should be ready within the next few days.  
Hoopla: Great! Temmie and SpongeBob must be so worried.  
Pampers: But you see, I called this meeting because this whole situation got me thinking about the future of the island.  
SpongeCicle: That's a little off-character. Pampers never thinks about anything!  
Huggies: I thought none of us had any defining personalities.  
Pampers: -and so I am holding a presidential election next week on November 7th!  
(The audience gasps.)  
SpongeCicle: A presidential election? You mean with voting and stuff?  
Dave: Ugh, sounds boring. I hope we're back
home by then.  
Pampers: Yes, Original Island's first presidential election. I will be running, of course.  
Mr. Craps: What about me? I would be a great president!  
Mr. Crack: You plagued the entire island with ghosts and stuff.  
Mr. Craps: Correction, we did.  
Huggies: Well, if a mad scientist is allowed to run, then I'm running too! It's about time Huggies got some spotlight!  
(A mysterious penguin bursts through the door.)  
Penguin: Hold it right there! I think we all know who the best candidate is, me of course!  
SpongeCicle: Actually I don't think any of us know who you are.  
Mr. Crack: Did he hear the meeting from outside or-  
Tennis: The name's Tennis and I'm gonna be your new president!  
Pampers: Uh… well okay. I guess that's four
candidates so far then! I'll sort everything out and then we can start all the propaganda and shit ASAP!  
Mr. Craps: (laugh) That's my favorite part!
==== Season 2 (cont'd) ====
* November 1 - Reruns of Everybody (Crackstreet's Back) are available.
* November 3 - The presidential debate is held.
* November 7 - The presidential election poll opens.
* November 8 -  
** A new cutscene is available to watch. Pampers is elected president of Original Island, and chooses SpongeCicle as his vice-president.
** The Black House appears on the map, and Pampers and SpongeCicle move in. 
*** Tennis goes on a rampage through town because he lost.
*** Mr. Craps actually decides to finish work on Hoopla and Dave's portal home, and they leave for their own dimension.
==== Cutscene ====
(The islanders are at the town hall again waiting to hear the results of the election.)
SpongeCicle: I wonder who won.  
Tennis: (smug) I think we all know already.  
Dave: Look, this election is exciting and all, but it's been a month and me and Hoopla just want to go home.
Mr. Craps: I told you already, I am working on the portal but I've been busy with my campaign! Also it's "Hoopla and I".  
(Pampers walks on to the stage.)
Pampers: (clears his throat) Thank you all for coming here tonight to find out the winner of the Original Island Presidential Election. Thank you to all users who voted. I know you're all probably impatient and we don't want to repeat Nevada, so let's just get straight to it. Our candidates are Huggies, Mr. Craps, Tennis and yours truly. And the first president of Original Island is...
(Pampers opens an envelope. The candidates look nervous. Pampers reads the piece of paper with the winner on.)  
Pampers: ...me!  
Mr. Craps: WHAT?!  
SpongeCicle: Huh, congrats.  
Mr. Craps: But the game is literally called Pampers Online! Who votes for the title character? This is an outrage! I want a recount!  
Huggies: (sigh) Good game, Pampers.  
Pampers: I'd like to thank my mom, and my
therapist, and my pet snail Curry an-  
Tennis: I WON THIS ELECTION BY A LOT!  
Not Squidward: I mean you didn't, otherwise-  
Tennis: LIES! LIES! LIES! I say we execute him before he can begin his reign of terror!  
Pampers: -and my toilet seat, and my toilet plunger, and my- (he notices Tennis angrily charging towards him) uh-oh.  
(The camera pans out.)  
Narrator: Well, all's well ends well, eh? (chuckles) Of course not, this is the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki...
=== (P) Pampers in the House S1E1: Pilot but not pilot as in flying pilot, pilot as in first episode of the series and by series i obviously mean pampers in the house [November 8, 2020] {thatjess} ===
[The camera flies across the ocean past singing claims, stinging jellyfish and coral reefs over to the bustling town of Bikini Bottom. The camera keeps flying further away, far past the goo of Goo Lagoon over to a small island known as Original Island. Cut to a shot of the Original Island town hall, November 8 2020, and then cut to the inside which is bustling with citizens awaiting the big news.]
Pampers: And the first president of Original Island is...
[Pampers opens an envelope. The candidates look nervous. Pampers reads the piece of paper with the winner on.]
Pampers: ...me!  
Mr. Craps: WHAT?!  
SpongeCicle: Huh, congrats.  
Mr. Craps: Who votes for the title character?! This is an outrage! I want a recount!  
Huggies: (sigh) Good game, Pampers.  
Pampers: I'd like to thank my mom, and my therapist, and my pet snail Curry an-  
Tennis: I WON THIS ELECTION BY A LOT!  
Not Squidward: I mean you didn't, otherwise-  
Tennis: LIES! LIES! LIES! I say we execute him before he can begin his reign of terror!  
Pampers: -and my toilet seat, and my toilet plunger, and my- (he notices Tennis angrily charging towards him) uh-oh.
[Cut to Pampers walking out of the hospital with a cast around his left arm. SpongeCicle is beside him.]
SpongeCicle: Well, this sucks.
Pampers: What do you mean? I'm president now! This is the best day of my life!
SpongeCicle: I was talking about your arm.
Pampers: Oh, hey. I'm a starfish, this thing just grows back. (he rips the cast off and waves his arm at SpongeCicle) See?
SpongeCicle: Nice! So what do you want to do now that you're president, (smirks) President Pampers?
Pampers: I have a few ideas, Vice-President SpongeCicle…
[Pampers walks off.]
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Establishing shot of the Black House. Cut to Pampers walking down one of the large hallways looking smug. SpongeCicle and another fish in a black suit follow.]
SpongeCicle: Wow, I get to be vice-president?!
Pampers: Yeah, uh, sure, I can't carry my ego all by myself.
SpongeCicle: Thanks bud!
Pampers: Whatever. Servant, show me to my desk so I can start making some laws.
Fish: (false laugh) Oh, that's a funny one Mr. President, but I don't really think that's how it works…
Pampers: Of course it does! I've been president before, you know.
SpongeCicle: Yeah, in Pampers: The Series! But that was just a dumb sexually degenerate TV show, this is real life!
Pampers: Oh SpongeCicle, (pats him on the head) you're so naive…
[The three enter Pampers' main office.]
Pampers: Aha! Here we are!
Fish: Here we are indeed. This office is mainly used for photos with spelling bee winners and for the Wikipedia page really, but feel free to-
Pampers: Oh boy, a spinny chair!
[Pampers jumps over the desk and onto the spinny chair, breaking it.]
Pampers: We can fix that, right?
Fish: (sigh) I'll get someone on i-
[Pampers notices several red buttons on the desk.]
Pampers: Oh boy, buttons!
Fish: Pampers, no! Those are the-
[Pampers presses one of the buttons. Cut to Petoria.]
President Petah: My God, I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortur-
[He notices a missile heading towards the house.]
President Petah: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
[Cut back to the Black House.]
Pampers: Whoops. (chuckles) I guess we just lost an ally today! You should be more careful where you leave the buttons lying around! Remove at once.
Fish: (sigh) Of course, Mr. President. My apologies.
[The fish notices a glass of water on a table next to him and starts drinking.]
Pampers: Now, let's get down to business, shall we? I want it illegal to have pineapple on pizza.
[The fish spits out their drink.]
Fish: (laughs) Hey, that's a good one!
Pampers: Do you think I'm joking?
Fish: Wh-
Pampers: Do you see me chuckling? Is there a grin on my face? Unnamed Assistant, I am dead serious here. I want pineapple on pizza outlawed.
SpongeCicle: Pampers, I don't think you can do that.
Pampers: Course I can, I'm president!
SpongeCicle: Yeah but there's probably a whole system to it and-
Pampers: Then abolish the system.
Fish: Sir, I don't think you understand here. We're a democracy, not a dictatorship, or at least we like to think we aren't.
Pampers: Democracy, more like demo-crappy, amirite?!
SpongeCicle: Pampers, you really aren't getting this. This isn't how it works. And I'm vice-president, don't I have a say in-
Pampers: Yeah fuck off SpongeCicle. Now hurry along Unnamed Assistant, we must spread the word to our citizens!
Fish: Ugh, of course sir. Sorry, sir.
[The fish leans over to SpongeCicle and whispers.]
Fish: Did people really vote for this guy?
SpongeCicle: Apparently. To be fair though the other candidates were an evil scientist, a music-hating penguin, and a red SpongeBob who is significantly less known than the guy.
Fish: My therapy session tonight is gonna be interesting.
[We see a montage of several similar looking fish in black suits putting up billboards and posters all over town declaring pineapple on pizza illegal. More and more citizens gradually approach the posters. Some cheer and some scream. Cut to the Krusty Krack. Not Squidward is in his booth on his phone vaguely paying attention to the restaurant's TV. A news reporter is interviewing a victim of missile abuse who is decorated in bandages.]
President Petah: (on TV) It just came from the sky, without any warning or anything, and just blew up the entire country!
[Cut back to the newsroom, Pitch Morgan is on the front desk.]
Pitch: Sorry Petah for interrupting your appeal, but something has just come in. Newly elected Original Island president Pampers Sutcliffe-Diapera hasn't been president for even a whole episode yet but has already introduced new laws banning pineapple on pizza across the island.
Not Squidward: WHAT?!!!!
Tennis: This is a national disgrace. Get it restored, please.
[The restaurant's customers murmur amongst themselves. Mr. Crack rushes out from his office.]
Mr. Crack: What's all the commotion about? I'm trying to count me money!
Not Squidward: Mr. Crack, it's terrible! They've just banned pineapple on pizza!!!!
Mr. Crack: They've banned pineapple on pizza?! That's great, Mr. Not Squidward!! I can't believe people liked that stuff.
Not Squidward: But Mr. Crack! I like that stuff! What am I supposed to put on my pizza now?
Mr. Crack: If you're that desperate I guess I know a guy down the alleyways.
Not Squidward: Oh cool, thanks, that's actually really nice of- wait, alleyways?!
[The entrance to the restaurant suddenly blows up. A SWAT team dressed in pizza costumes rush in and point guns at Mr. Crack and Not Squidward.]
SWAT Leader: THIS IS A RAID! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
[Everyone in the restaurant obliges. A group of SWAT members rush into the kitchen.]
Mr. Crack: MR. NOT SQUIDWARD!!!! I demand the meaning of this!
Not Squidward: Why has everything got to be my fault?!
Mr. Crack: (rolls eyes) Ugh, scary police guy! I demand the meaning of this!
[The SWAT leader shoots the menu down hanging from the ceiling. Mr. Crack flinches and the leader points to pineapple pizza on the menu with his gun.]
SWAT Leader: This is the meaning of this.
Mr. Crack: What?! This is ridiculous! You can't just storm into me restaurant and bust down the door all because we serve pineapple pizza!
SWAT Leader: We can, and we just did. Sorry, presidential orders.
Mr. Crack: Ugh!
[Several SWAT members rush out from the kitchen carrying Mr. Crack's younger brother Mr. Cocktail with them, who is in handcuffs.]
Mr. Cocktail: MISTA CRACK!!!!!11!
Mr. Crack: Mr. Cocktail! No!
SWAT Leader: Thanks for the afternoon service! Have a nice rest of the day!
[The SWAT team runs off. Everyone stares in silence for a few seconds.]
Not Squidward: All that just because we serve pineapple pizza?!
Customer: Wait, that's what this is about?! Pineapple pizza?! Ugh, I can't stand the thing.
Customer 2: Wait, you actually like that shit?! Pffft, how pathetic.
Customer: Not as pathetic as your uncultured taste buds.
Customer 2: Hey! I'll have you know my taste buds are the most refined on the island! I used to judge cooking shows in the 90's!
Customer: Used to'".
Customer 2: Why you little-
[The second customer picks up his glass and throws it at the first. It misses and almost hits a third customer near the window.]
Customer 3: Hey! You almost hit my baby!
Customer 2: Well you almost hit my… feelings.
Customer 4: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[The customers begin throwing furniture, food, bags, etc. across the room at eachother. Mr. Crack falls to the floor in tears.]
Mr. Crack: No! This is terrible! They destroyed me restaurant and locked up me own brother! And now me customers are fighting! (wails)
Not Squidward: Aw, come on Mr. Crack, it's not all bad… actually yeah, it is all bad, but it's not the end of the wor… (sigh) yeah, okay, this is really shitty of Pampers on his first day of office. We should go over to the Black House and demand the law changed back! If we can't have pineapple on pizza, what's the point to any of this?!
Mr. Crack: I disagree with that last part, Mr. Not Squidward, but I otherwise completely agree. Taking me brother is just ridiculous! We need to put an end to this!
Not Squidward: Right!
Mr. Crack: Right!
Not Squidward: Right!
Mr. Crack: Right! Why aren't we going anywhere?!
Not Squidward: I don't know! Let's pull a DaBaby and let's goooo!
Mr. Crack: Okay!
[The two run off amidst the fighting. Cut to Pampers in his office on a brand new spinny chair staring intently at a banana while watching TV.]
Pitch: (on TV) I- uh, yeah, sorry for interrupting your scheduled programming once again but President Pampers has, uh, (sigh) made another new law. This time he's… is that cue card right? Okay then, this time he's banned manga because "reading from right to left is stupid"... alright then. While we're here we might as well update you on the-
[A rock flies through the window and hits Pitch in the face. We see footage of Original Island downtown, which looks like it's in the middle of an apocalypse with people still fighting, buildings burning, etc.]
Pitch: (in pain) Aagh! While we're here might as well update you on the pineapple pizza riots that are still happening downtown!
[Cut back to the studio.]
Pitch: This is Pitch Morgan in severe pain, and that was your breaking news.
Pampers: Heh. Pitch Morgan, more like-
[SpongeCicle bursts through the door.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers!
Pampers: Ah, vice-president SpongeCicle! How are ya?
SpongeCicle: Pampers, we need to talk.
Pampers: About what? How great I'm doing on my first day?
SpongeCicle: Actually… it's about how bad you're doing on your first day.
Pampers: How bad I'm doing? What do you mean?
SpongeCicle: People are rioting all over town! All because of the laws you've been making!
Pampers: Pffft, so there are a few riots here and there, big deal. These happen all the time in other countries. You've played Fortnite, right?
SpongeCicle: ...yeah?
Pampers: Cool, I knew you'd understand. People just need to understand that manga is too weeb-y for our culture. They'll eventually come through.
SpongeCicle: Oh, people have come through alright.
[Pan over to Mr. Crack, Not Squidward, Huggies and The Flying Pringle standing by the office entrance.]
SpongeCicle: Through the doors and into the building.
Pampers: ...oh.
[The group angrily approaches Pampers.]
Pampers: Heh, uh, hi guys! What are- uh, what are you all doing here? My birthday party isn't for a while yet.
Not Squidward: Pampers, I mean this with all due respect but… ARE YOU FUCKING MENTALLY INSANE!!!! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD MAKE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA AGAINST THE LAW?!!!!!
Pampers: This one apparently.
Huggies: Have you not seen the riots out there caused by your selfishness?
Pampers: Me? I'm offended, Huggies. I haven't done anything to start any riots, these people just can't accept that pineapple should not be allowed on pizza.
Mr. Crack: Yes, it shouldn't, but it doesn't mean you can just go and prosecute my own brother because of it!!!
Pampers: Mr. Cocktail was prostituted?
Huggies: Prosecuted, Pampers.
Pampers: That's what I said.
Mr. Crack: We've been low on staff at The Krusty Krack recently, so he was helping me out in the kitchen, and I guess it just so happened that the SWAT team walked in on him making, you guessed it, pineapple pizza.
Pampers: SWAT team? (smirks) That's a little harsh just because someone was making pineapple pizza.
Mr. Crack: MY POINT EXACTLY! I knew I'd be able to talk some sense into you!
Pampers: Gentlemen, thank you for coming to see me today and I appreciate the appeal. I'll make sure to properly thank you before you are all executed.
Huggies: EXECUTED?!
Not Squidward: Oh come on, what the fuck man?!
Pampers: I'm sorry Squidward, but I've made my decision.
Not Squidward: For the last time I'm Not Squidward! First name Not, last name Squidward.
Pampers: Yeah, whatever you say Squidward. You're all questioning the law, you're all disobeying your leader. You would do the same if you were president, but you're not, so boo-hoo.
Flying Pringle: (sigh) Pampers-
Pampers: That's President Pampers.
Flying Pringle: Ugh, President Pampers?
Pampers: Yes?
Flying Pringle: Look… I'm a simple man. I'm a pringle and I fly, I'm The Flying Pringle, it's in me name, you know? And I'm also a ghost, and I've seen a lot of things during my time in the ocean. Like, a lot of things, you genuinely wouldn't believe me if I told you. Take my ex-husband for example, I swear to Neptune he has the biggest-
Huggies: Okay, too much information buddy.
Flying Pringle: Oh, uh, sorry. What was I babbling on about again? Oh yeah, I've seen a lot of things during my life, enough to know that what you are doing right here, Pampers, is wrong.
Pampers: It's wrong?
Flying Pringle: Yes, like genuinely you're just being an entitled jerk here right now.
Pampers: I'm an entitled jerk?
Flying Pringle: Yes, Pampers. And unless you start turning things around soon… well, the people of this island won't be very happy and they will want you gone.
Pampers: The people on this island don't like me?
Flying Pringle: Yes, Pampers, that's what I've been trying to say!
Pampers: But… how can they not like me? I banned pineapple on pizza for crying out loud! Who likes pineapple on pizza?
Not Squidward: Ahem.
Pampers: Squidward?
Not Squidward: That's Not Squidward!
SpongeCicle: Pampers, the things you're making illegal aren't moral issues like whether or not you're allowed to kill someone or whether or not you should have to pay to watch TV, you shouldn't by the way it's stupid, the things you're making illegal are things you personally don't like, like manga.
Pampers: But manga's stupid! And anime too! And don't even get me started on k-pop!
Huggies: K-pop's Korean, not Japanese.
Pampers: Same country.
SpongeCicle: I think what The Flying Pringle means is that these are all opinions, and people are getting angry because you're banning things they enjoy.
Pampers: That never stopped Kim Jong-un.
Mr. Crack: Yeah but Kim Jong-un's… Kim Jong-un.
[Pause.]
Mr. Crack: Look, the point is you need to reverse the laws you made today and release my brother or things are going to get out of hand.
Pampers: I still don't understand.
Not Squidward: Just remove the new laws before someone removes you.
Pampers: Oh, okay. Why didn't you say so? I'll get Unnamed Assistant on it right away.
Huggies: That's… actually really great actually.
SpongeCicle: Yeah, nice one Pampers.
Flying Pringle: We might need to do something one step up to stop riots though.
Pampers: What do you mean?
[Cut to Pampers in his office later, facing a video camera held by SpongeCicle.]
Pampers: Is it on?
SpongeCicle: I think so.
Pampers: Nice. Hey all, Pampers here, and uh… yeah I kinda fucked up earlier. Sorry about that but I will make sure it probably won't happen again. I, uh… all the laws introduced have been reversed and… yeah, hopefully, this here will make it up to you.
[The unnamed assistant enters and places a plate of pineapple pizza on the desk.]
Pampers: What the hell is this?
Fish: Your pineapple pizza, sir.
Pampers: I really have to eat this?
SpongeCicle: Calm down, we're live!
Pampers: Ugh… fine.
[He picks up a slice of pizza and slowly edges it towards his tongue. Cut to Pampers in a hospital bed.]
Pampers: At least my political opponents are happy.
[Credits.]
=== (P) Pampers Online Season 3: Showbiz & Sleigh Bells [November 14, 2020 - February 5, 2021] {thatjess} ===
* November 14 -
** Briefing "It's time to step into the limelight in the wig-snatching third season of Pampers Online: Showbiz & Sleigh Bells! Not Squidward has been working tirelessly backstage for you to take centre stage, bust a move and break a leg. Check back at the Thrilling Theatre regularly for live films and concerts, and put on your own in the heart of Pampywood! While you're at it, go shopping at the new Marvelous Mall, skip class at Huggies High and fill the runtime of a movie at Goner Gulch! And make sure to check the programme as there are more surprises until January, including a certain someone coming to town! What are you waiting for?!"
** Most areas on the map are now themed after Hollywood.
** Playful Park is removed and becomes "Thrilling Theatre", an open-air theatre that hosts films and concerts in-game occasionally.
** The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run is played live at Thrilling Theatre. A loading screen is available for participants.
** Plankles moves onto the island and acquires Discord Fast Food, rebranding to Femboy Hooters (because why not).
** Ghastly Graveyard is no longer accessible.
** A new area called Pampywood opens alongside Not Squidward Studios.
** A new "Movie Maker" minigame is available at Not Squidward Studios.
** The Krusty Krack is re-themed as an American diner.
** Honest Hospital is no longer its own location and is found at Pleasant Plaza, next to the Popo Station.
** Friendly Farm becomes a western area based on Goner Gulch from Sponge on the Run. The farm shop is still accessible.
** Performances of "How We Do" are shown at Goner Gulch every hour, on the hour. A loading screen is available for participants.
** Barg'N-Mart, Eyekeyah and Fashion Frenzy are now moved to a separate shopping centre area called Marvelous Mall.
** Roads begin appearing all over the island.
** Retail Road is renamed Roadside Rest, and is now on the side of a road (see?).
** A high school roleplay area titled Huggies High opens.
** The Not Squid avatar style is available to purchase from Not Squidward Studios.
** Player Cards and piPhones are added to the game (see here).
* November 15 - The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run is rerun. The loading screen is still available.
* November 21 -
** Lil Pampers plays a concert live in-game at Thrilling Theatre.
** The "Music Maker" minigame is now available from Club Pampers.
* November 22 - Reruns of the Lil Pampers Concert.
* November 28 -
** SpongeBob's Fanon Wiki: The Movie is shown live in-game at Thrilling Theatre.
** The "Oh, Wai-toorrrr!" minigame is now available from Femboy Hooters.
* November 29 - Reruns of SpongeBob's Fanon Wiki: The Movie.
* December 1 - An advent calendar which gives out free items each day is available from players' piPhones.
* December 5 -
** Briefing - "Ho, ho, ho! It's almost Christmas time (I could have worded that differently but nah) and you may have noticed that Original Island is feeling a lot more festive. Hop onto Pampers' Sleigh and take a visit to the North Pole and meet Santa (who definitely isn't just Pampers wearing a costume). Help out the elves in Santa's Workshop (who, again, isn't just Pampers in a costume) and make presents ready for the big day! You can even gift items to your friends! Come back each week for Santa's (again, not a costume) daily challenges. And that's not all, back on the mainland Krack Motors has opened up ready for you to take a joyride around the island! Let's ho-ho-go! (sorry)"
** Original Island is now covered in snow and decorated for Christmas.
** Pleasant Plaza has been renamed to Pampers Plaza, to honor the president. The PoPo Station and Honest Hospital have been moved to a new location called SpongeCicle Square.
** The Advent Calendar is now available on the map in SpongeCicle Square.
** The construction site at Roadside Rest is now Krack Motors, a car dealership. Players can purchase their own cars which can be driven around the map.
** Marvelous Mall has been renamed to Merry Mall.
** Dusty Drive has been renamed to Decorated Drive.
** Thrilling Theatre has been renamed to Festive Theatre.
** Mr. Crack's Mansion is now Mr. Crack's Counting-House.
** The SS Pampers is now Pampers' Sleigh. From Pampers' Sleigh players can access the North Pole, Santa's Workshop and the Elf Village.
** From the North Pole players can meet Santa (who isn't just Pampers in a costume if you still need clarification) who will give them daily challenges, which could involve making presents in the workshop or practicing delivering presents in the Elf Village.
** Players can also gift other players on their friend list items they have purchased from the North Pole.
** Pope White Duck plays a concert live in-game at Festive Theatre.
* December 6 - Reruns of the Pope White Duck concert.
* December 12 -
** Peter Griffin Meets SpongeBob is shown live in-game at Festive Theatre.
* December 12 - Peter Griffin meets SpongeBob is shown live in-game at Festive Theatre.
* December 13 - Reruns of Peter Griffin meets SpongeBob.
== 2021 ==
==== Season 3 (cont'd ====
* January 5 -
** All Christmas decorations have been removed from the island.
** All Christmas decorations have been removed from the island.
** The North Pole, the Advent Calendar and Wishing Well are all inaccessible.
** Goner Gulch has been reverted to Friendly Farm.
=== (Z) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E12: The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show One Year Anniversary Extravaganza! [January 6, 2021) {thatjess} ===
Beardy Dad: I've done it! I've finally done it!
SpongeBot: What's that, Dad?
Beardy Dad: I've purchased Carnival Games on the Nintendo Switch!
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: o
Beardy Dad: Isn't that great, daughter?!
SpongeBot: Uh, sure Dad.
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: I've always dreamed of owning Carnival Games on the Nintendo Switch.
[laugh track]
[He looks at the computer screen.]
Beardy Dad: Hang on, this says it's a download code! It said I was buying a physical copy! That damn Labour Party!
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Go walk the dog!
SpongeBot: Okay.
[SpongeBot attempts to walk into the next room but bashes her head on the doorframe. She ducks under it and finds Oscar growling at a chair.]
SpongeBot: Come on, Oscar.
Oscar: growl
SpongeBot: Come on, walkies.
Oscar: growl
SpongeBot: Wh- what are you doing?
Oscar: growl
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: What did the chair do to you?
[Oscar has a Vietnam Flashback.]
SpongeBot: o
[Cut to SpongeBot walking Oscar.]
Oscar: woof
[A random-ass person approaches them.]
Guy: Hey, don't I know you?
SpongeBot: Uh… I don't think so.
Guy: Yeah! You're the famous short film director!
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: I am?
Guy: Yeah! You made that Morph short!
[The random-ass person checks their phone.]
Guy: That's funny. You don't have a Wikipedia page.
SpongeBot: WHAT?! That's blasphemy!
Guy: I know!
SpongeBot: I ought to have a word with someone about this!
[Cut to SpongeBot at her computer adding herself to Wikipedia.]
SpongeBot: There! Perfect!
[Beardy Dad enters.]
Beardy Dad: Are you winning, daughter?
SpongeBot: Patriarch, I have successfully completed the task of creating an article on Wikipedia about myself.
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: That's my girl! I knew you had it in you! But what's so notable about you?
SpongeBot: I am a famous short film director, don't you know.
[laugh track]
[Bot's Mom enters.]
Bot's Mom: What's all this about?
SpongeBot: I am on Wikipedia, female birth-giver.
Bot's Mom: What?
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Well she did make those Morph shorts, honey.
[laugh track]
???: And she also wrote mEmE wOrLD: teh movai - a meme world movie.
[The camera pans to reveal Aidan W. Redd. Applause and cheers.]
Beardy Dad: Who are you?
CrazySponge: The name's Sponge. CrazSponge. CEO of Box Productions Inc. and I'm also in this episode.
Bot's Mom: Welll, I still don't understand all this Wikipedia nonsense. Am I on Wikipedia?
Bot: Uh… no.
Bot's Mom: Good.
[laugh track]
[The computer gets a notification.]
Bot: Hang on.
[Bot checks the Wikipedia page.]
Bot: SOMEONE REMOVED MY PAGE!!!
Beardy Dad: THEY DID WHAT?
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Why, I ought to have a word with someone about this!
CrazySponge: But who would do such a thing?
[The camera pans over to Cliff Vandercave giving an evil laugh.]
All: Cliff Vandercave???
Cliff Vandercave: That's right! I'm back! And I've thwarted my arch-enemy once again!
SpongeBot: WHY YOU LITTLE-
[Bot rushes towards Cliff Vandercave with an axe.]
Cliff Vandercave: Bot, what are you doing with that ax-
[The audience laughs as Bot brutally murders Cliff Vandercave.]
SpongeBot: I think I made my point.
[Everyone laughs as the credits roll.]
=== (Z) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E9: CeX and the City [January 10, 2021) {thatjess} ===
[SpongeBot and Beardy Dad are standing outside the CeX in Peppa Pig World. Beardy Dad looks over at the very big Betfred store next door.]
Beardy Dad: I dunno who Fred is, but d'you think he's trying to make up for something?
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Let's just go in.
Beardy Dad: Alright, but first I'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsor for this episode, RAID: Shadow Legends.
SpongeBot: you what
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: RAID: Shadow Legends is the most immersive and ambitious RPG of this year, and it's available right now for free on iPhone and Android.
SpongeBot: dad are you high or something
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Join over ten million players in game that's taken the world by storm, with hundreds of champions to choose from.
SpongeBot: you mean we're doing an entire episode dedicated to one very specific shop and they're not even our sponsor
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: And that's not all, if you use the code-
SpongeBot: Can we just go in?
Beardy Dad: Eh, fuck it.
[Laugh track. SpongeBot tries to enter CeX but is too tall to fit through the door frame and bangs her head. Laugh track. SpongeBot ducks under the frame and enters. Beardy Dad follows.]
Beardy Dad: Well, here we are, C-E-X.
[The store's manager appears out of the shadows.]
Manager: Oh please, our friends call us… "sex".
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Okay… C-E-X.
[laugh track]
Manager: No, no, we're not "C-E-X", we're "sex" with a C.
Beardy Dad: C-E-X with a C.
[laugh track]
Manager: Suh, suh, suh… CeX.
Beardy Dad: Suh, suh, suh… E-X.
[laugh track]
Manager: CeX! CeX!!! CEEEEEEEEXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!
[extra loud laugh track because sex is very funny]
Beardy Dad: [to SpongeBot] What's their problem?
[Cut to the shop counter. A CeX Worker is training a new employee.]
???: This place sounded a lot different on the phone.
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: I know, right? Anyway, what did you say your name was?
???: Paul. Paul, uh… Brenaud.
[The audience cheers, realising who he is.]
CeX Worker: Don't you mean Paul R-
Mr. Renaud: No, no, I'm Paul Brenaud. Completely different.
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: I see. But you said you used to work at a high school though?
Mr. Renaud: Well yeah, but-
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: Sorry, I just thought you sorta look and sound like him, and I mean it really is uncanny-
[laugh track]
Mr. Renaud: It's fine. I am a completely original character just for this show.
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: Right you are.
[Cut to SpongeBot and Beardy Dad looking down the Nintendo Switch section. She picks up "CrazySponge Died: The Game".]
SpongeBot: Ah, I've never played this game! It's apparently really good though.
Beardy Dad: Do you want it then?
SpongeBot: Nah I already have it at home on the pile with the rest of them.
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: o
[SpongeBot puts the game back on the shelf. Beardy Dad overhears another CeX Worker changing prices on some old games.]
CeX Worker 2: Should we leave it alone? Should we play it safe? Nah, let's make it bigahh!
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Excuse me, what are you doing?
CeX Worker 2: Oh, I'm just making the prices for these old Nintendo games bigger. Is that a problem?
Beardy Dad: No, no, I just didn't know they were worth all that money. That's more expensive than Hannah Montana DVD box sets!
[laugh track]
CeX Worker 2: You interested in buying them?
Beardy Dad: Well, uh… no. Thanks for asking though.
CeX Worker 2: Aw, that's a shame because-
[Beardy Dad takes his wallet out.]
Beardy Dad: Alright you've twisted my arm.
[Laugh track. Cut back to CeX Worker cleaning a disc with alcohol behind the counter.]
CeX Worker: -and that is how you clean a dirty disc-
[The CeX Worker looks back at Paul to find him eating a Pot Noodle as he stares off into the distance at SpongeBot.]
CeX Worker: Are you even listening?!
[laugh track]
Mr. Renaud: Uh yeah. Good stuff this is.
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: Eh, I guess it doesn't matter anyway. At the end of the day all we pride ourselves on is selling Wii Chess with a free 24 month warranty.
[laugh track]
Mr. Renaud: A 24 month warranty?! That's like longer than a 23 month warranty!
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: I know! And if you order online on the CeX website-
Mr. Renaud: Alright, I like Wii Chess as much as the next guy but enough paid sponsorship.
[Cut to Aaron looking through the CDs. Applause and cheers.]
Aaron: Huh. Weezer (Green Album). I like that one.
[Laugh track. A penguin approaches him. The audience cheers even louder.]
Golfpecks: You people disgust me.
[laugh track]
Aaron: Huh?
Golfpecks: Music is the enemy of the people!
[laugh track]
Aaron: Chill man, it's just Weezer (Green Album).
[laugh track]
Golfpecks: I don't care what colour it is, it's unproductive and against the word of God!
[laugh track]
Aaron: Then why are you in this shop?
Golfpecks: Because I must spread the word and re-educate you damn fools… They don't sell 5G in here yet, do they?
[Laugh track. Cut to Beardy Dad dumping a large pile of games on the counter.]
Beardy Dad: I'll be taking all these.
[Laugh track. Paul takes the games and goes to locate the discs. Pan over to Jess at the counter next to him. Cheers.]
Beardy Dad: This place is weird.
Jess: You’re hot.
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: So, uh… what you doing in here?
Jess: Oh, just returning some dumb game.
Beardy Dad: Why? What's wrong with it?
[Cut to Jess at her home on her Switch.]
Jess: Oh damn I am so ready to play the new Pokemon!
Professor Oak: Now, are you a boy or a girl?
[Cut back to the present.]
Jess: I think it's broken.
[Laugh track. Paul returns to the counter.]
Mr. Renaud: Okay, I managed to track most of them down but unfortunately I can't find the disc for We Dare anywhere.
Beardy Dad: Not We Dare!
[laugh track]
Mr. Renaud: We must have misplaced it, sorry.
Beardy Dad: For losing a game as precious as that you better be!
[Cut back to Aaron and Golfpecks at the CD section.]
Aaron: So if there was a Church music CD in here you'd like that?
[laugh track]
Golfpecks: I guess.
Aaron: I could help with that.
[SpongeBot approaches them.]
SpongeBot: Ah shit they have the Flintstones Movie soundtrack!
[Golfpecks punches SpongeBot to the floor.]
Golfpecks: THE FLINTSTONES MOVIE IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: oh hi aaron
Aaron: Hey, what was that for?!
Golfpecks: It's historically inaccurate and poisoning children's minds!
SpongeBot: But it's a good film-
Golfpecks: LIES! LIES! LIES!
[Laugh track. Beardy Dad approaches them with a heavy plastic bag.]
Beardy Dad: You sure have a lot of weird friends, eh daughter?
Golfpecks: I am not her friend! Friends are unproductive!
[Laugh track. Cut back to Paul and CeX Worker behind the counter.]
CeX Worker: Hey Paul, does that kid over there look familiar to you?
Mr. Renaud: [grins] Ohhhhhh, every kid looks familiar to me!
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: No, I mean I swear I know her from somewhere. And for some reason every time I look at her I'm filled with anger!
Mr. Renaud: Every time I look at her my pants are filled with-
CeX Worker: And that man who just bought all that stuff. I swear that must be her father! I just can't put my- oh shit.
Mr. Renaud: What's the matt-
CeX Worker: [yelling] YOU!
Aaron: soulja boy tell em
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Who? Me?
CeX Worker: Yes, you! You really think you can sneak up on me like this at my own workplace?
SpongeBot: what the fuck
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: [laughs] I see what you're doing!
SpongeBot: really because i don't
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: Don't play dumb, SpongeBot.
SpongeBot: im not playing i just think everyones high this episode or something, well, higher than usual anyway
[laugh track]
CeX Worker: Oh, maybe THIS will help you remember!!
[The CeX Worker takes off their uniform revealing Chip Rockefeller. The audience gasps in suspense.]
All: [gasp] Chip Rockefeller?!
SpongeBot: MY SWORN ARCH-NEMESIS!
Chip Rockefeller: That's right!
SpongeBot: After all these years I still haven't forgiven you for what you did in Rock Vegas!
[laugh track]
Chip Rockefeller: Oh yeah? And what about-
[SpongeBot charges towards Chip. Laugh track.]
Chip Rockefeller: oh no
[SpongeBot and Chip start wrestling throughout the shop. The Benny Hill theme starts playing in the background. Laugh track. Everyone else in the shop stares motionless. Aaron takes out his smartphone and starts recording.]
[SpongeBot and Chip are now throwing PS2 games towards each other like shurikens.]
Mr. Renaud: This isn't the kind of action I was hoping for today.
[Chip punches SpongeBot into the CD shelf, knocking it over. Golfpecks cheers.]
Golfpecks: [cheering] Chip! Chip! Chip! Chip!
[The ship's manager comes out, taking a large cigarette out of their mouth.]
Manager: WHAT THE-
[laugh track]
Golfpecks: We're winning!
[Laugh track. SpongeBot gets back up and picks up a Wii Remote and Nunchuck.]
SpongeBot: I'm not scared to use this!
[laugh track]
Beardy Dad: Hey daughter, how about something more… traditional.
[Beardy Dad passes SpongeBot her axe.]
SpongeBot: Oh yeah.
Beardy Dad: I knew I carried it on me for a reason.
[Laugh track. SpongeBot charges towards Chip with her axe.]
Chip Rockefeller: SpongeBot, what are you doing with that ax-
[The audience laughs as SpongeBot brutally murders Chip Rockefeller.]
SpongeBot: There, I think I made my point.
[The music stops and the audience cheers. Vanessa enters the shop.]
Vanessa: Oh I can't wait to go into-
[They notice the dead corpse on the floor and slowly back out. Laugh track.]
Manager: Well, uh… y'know I'm not really sure what just happened.
Aaron: Are any of us?
[laugh track]
Manager: But I do know that whatever you did was probably a good thing.
[laugh track]
Manager: And so to show my gratitude, please accept my offer and take home anything in the store you want.
[Cheers.]
SpongeBot: Anything?
Manager: Anything.
[Cut to SpongeBot and Beardy Dad on the way home.]
SpongeBot: I got Flingsmash.
[The audience laughs and applauds as the episode ends.]
=== (Z) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E13: SpongeBot Can't Pay? So They Take It Away! [January 14, 2021) {thatjess} ===
["Now on Channel 5 we go back into Sponge Territory for more Keeping Up With The Augers, which contains strong language, violence, anti-social behaviour and tempers fraying from the start."]
[The episode starts down an alleyway where Jess and Prim are walking home from CEX.]
Prim: Wow! I can't wait to play Club Penguin: Game Day for the Nintendo Wii when we get home!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Me too.
[A masked criminal suddenly jumps out from behind a dumpster. Laugh track.]
Criminal: Put your hands up!
[The two do so.]
Jess: Wh- what do you want? Money? I've got plenty! Here, take my purse!
[Jess throws the criminal her purse.]
Criminal: Oh, I don't want this. I want… Club Penguin!
Prim: You monster!
[Laugh track. The Superman theme song starts playing in the background.]
Criminal: Wait, why do I hear boss music?
[The three look around in confusion. Prim points off in the distance.]
Prim: Look! It's a bird, no, it's a plane!
Jess: It's Moped Man!
[Moped Man speeds down the alleyway. The audience laughs as he brutally runs over the criminal. His mask falls off to reveal that he is Zoltan.]
Zoltan: ow
Prim: Zoltan?
Zoltan: yeah whatever, can i have sadmin now
[Laugh track.]
Moped Man: Sorry mate.
Jess: Thanks Moped Man!
Moped Man: No time to talk, duty calls!
[Moped Man speeds off into the distance; Cut to the SpongeBot residence. SpongeBot is watching Scott the Woz. Her headphones are unplugged.]
Scott: HEY ALL, SCOTT HERE!
SpongeBot: Shit!
[Laugh track. SpongeBot scrambles to plug her headphones in.]
Bot's Mom: Who the fuck is Scott?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: SpongeBot's boyfriend.
[Laugh track. The doorbell rings. Oscar runs to the door, barking at it.]
Bot's Mom: (sigh) I'll get it.
[Bot's Mom opens the door to find Moped Man. The audience cheers.]
Moped Man: Hiya Bot's Mom.
Bot's Mom: Hiya Moped Man.
Moped Man: Wanna go for a ride?
Bot's Mom: Sure. I'll just get my suitcases.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: M- Moped Man? What's he doing here?
[Laugh track.]
Bot's Mom: Oh, didn't I mention? The two of us are going away for a couple weeks.
Beardy Dad: You what?
[Laugh track.]
Moped Man: Is there a problem?
Beardy Dad: N- n- no, not really.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: It's just that last time you two went away together SpongeBot happened!
SpongeBot: wait what
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: no seriously what the fuck why are you laughing
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: HOW IS THIS FUNNY
[Laugh track.]
Bot's Mom: Anyway, I'll be back soon. (Bot's Mom and Beardy Dad kiss) Don't get into any trouble.
Beardy Dad: Oh I will.
[Laugh track.]
Bot's Mom: Bye everyone!
[The audience applauds as Bot's Mom leaves with Moped Man.]
Beardy Dad: Oh well, with your mother gone for a while I can finally get on with the important things in life.
[Beardy Dad walks over to his computer.]
Beardy Dad: Holy shit! Someone just bought all of my Strawberry Shortcake boxsets!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: "All of"? As in "more than one"?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Yep, they're all gone. And at fifty quid each too!
SpongeBot: Who would spend fifty squid on Strawberry Shortcake boxsets?!
[Cut to Golfpecks sitting at his desk, which is overflowing with Strawberry Shortcake merchandise.]
Golfpecks: Heheheheheheh.
[Laugh track. Cut back.]
Beardy Dad: I dunno. But I need to get more of these to sell right away!
[Timecard: Several dozen boxsets later…]
[Cut to Beardy Dad is counting the money in his wallet.]
Beardy Dad: Well, I don't know what it is, but this guy really seems to like Strawberry Shortcake! Must be some gripping stuff.
SpongeBot: Nothing can ever top the emotional heights of when Country Troll died in Trolls: World Tour.
[Laugh track. Beardy Dad shows Bot the contents of his wallet.]
Beardy Dad: Look at all this, Bot! And your mother keeps telling me to get off eBay.
SpongeBot: Well she's not here.
Beardy Dad: Exactly!
[The audience laughs as we cut back to the room, which is now overflowing with Strawberry Shortcake boxsets and similar junk.]
Beardy Dad: I just don't get it! Why isn't anyone buying my shit from me anymore?
SpongeBot: Maybe they've been hit with some common sense?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Nah! I'm sure they'll come back to me eventually.
[He gets a notification on his computer.]
Beardy Dad: See? Here we are! (reading) "Dear Beardy Dad, it has come to my attention how unproductive my heinous crimes have been and I will be no longer needing you to supply me with my goods. Yours sincerely, a very disillusioned Mr. Pecks." Well that's just great.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: What do I do with all of this then?
SpongeBot: Wait for some other sucker to come along?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: I guess.
[A letter comes through the door. Oscar runs over to it barking, and carries it over to Beardy Dad in his mouth. Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Thanks, my boy.
Oscar: woof
[Beardy Dad strokes Oscar and opens the letter.]
Beardy Dad: Oh…
SpongeBot: What's wrong?
Beardy Dad: It appears we are in debt.
[Laugh track because debt is funny.]
SpongeBot: How are we in deb- (she looks around the room) nevermind.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Yeah, do you think I kinda banked a bit too much on this one guy?
SpongeBot: Not really.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Does mom know?
Beardy Dad: No.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: It's not even just the Shortcake shit though! No one's bought my HD DVD bundles either!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: What are we gonna do then?
Beardy Dad: Nothing!
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: As long as we don't tell mom I'm sure everything will be fine. What could possibly happen?
[The Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! intro plays.]
Narrator: What happens when you get into debt? And you can't, or won't, pay it back? We meet the high court enforcement agents who are pushed to their limits dealing with desperate debtors in dramatic situations. We meet the people who are losing their homes and their possessions. Because whatever happens, if you can't pay they'll take it away.
[We see two agents driving in their car.]
Narrator: Paul Bohill and Steve Pinner are high court enforcement agents. They travel hundreds of miles each week repossessing properties and ceasing debts.
Steve: What have we got today, Paul?
Narrator: Today they are after a family who owe twenty thousand pounds in debt of Strawberry Shortcake DVDs.
Paul: We've got one Beardy Dad down on [address withheld] who owes twenty thousand pounds.
Steve: Wow.
Paul: We're just gonna have to go in and if they can't pay, we'll just have to start repossessing some stuff.
[The two pull up beside the SpongeBot household and get out the vehicle.]
Narrator: What the agents don't know yet is that this visit will be unlike any other they've ever been two in their many years on the frontlines.
[Steve confessional.]
Steve: You see the thing is, you never know what you're walking into. You don't know what they're gonna be like, how aggravated they're gonna be, what weapons they have… you just don't know.
[The two agents knock on the door.]
Paul: High court enforcement officers, can you open up please?!
[Oscar starts loudly barking and runs up to the door.]
Paul: Well, their dog is in.
Narrator: It appears the debtor's dog is inside the property, but there is no word on the debtor himself yet.
[Cut to Bot and Beardy Dad panicking inside.]
Beardy Dad: Shit! The bailiffs are here!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Oh no…. anyway, back to whatever I was doing.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Don't leave me like this! What are we going to do?!
SpongeBot: I mean if we don't let them in, they cant get in, right?
[Cut back to the agents outside.]
Narrator: Paul and Steve are still unsure as to whether the debtor is home.
Steve: I am unsure as to whether the debtor is home.
Narrator: Suddenly, a strange man walks onto the property.
Zoltan: cool your hear to murder spongebot too
Paul: Excuse me mate, um, we're high court enforcement officers here to collect debt. Do you know the people who live here?
Zoltan: i hate spongebot 678 she sould b banned bcause i said so
Narrator: It appears the man is a personal friend of the debtor.
Steve: Would you be able to contact Beardy Dad or is there any way you could let us in?
Zoltan: if i help will u give me sadmin
Narrator: The debtor's friend is willing to help, but only if he can reach an agreement with the high court enforcement agents.
[Paul confessional.]
Paul: It is very tricky when things like this happen, but ultimately if it helps us settle things as quickly and as efficiently as possible, then it is worth the negotiation.
[End of confessional.]
Paul: Okay sure.
Zoltan: yay!
[Zoltan throws a brick at the windows and smashes it into pieces.]
Narrator: The sheriffs gain access to the property.
SpongeBot: Uh… Dad?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: The window! Mom is gonna kill us!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Oh, hi Zoltan.
Zoltan: Hi.
SpongeBot: I definitely don't have any questions to ask you.
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: It becomes apparent that the debtor has been home the entire time.
Steve: Thanks, uh… whoever you are.
[Steve, Paul, Zoltan and the cameraman enter the house.]
Beardy Dad: Hey, what's going on here?!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: We're high court enforcement agents and we're here to either collect your outstanding debt of twenty thousand pounds or repossess goods.
Beardy Dad: I like your funny words magic man.
[Laugh track.]
Steve: What's that noise?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: What noise?
[Laugh track.]
Steve: That noise! I heard it again!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Sounds like laughing or something.
Beardy Dad: Well I don't hear anything.
[Laugh track.]
Steve: Nevermind. Have you heard about this before?
Beardy Dad: Heard about what?
[Laugh track.]
Steve: The debt.
Beardy Dad: Doesn't seem familiar to me.
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: The debtor claims he has not heard anything about the debt before.
Paul: Well, we're on behalf of the court, and we have a letter, and we kind of need the twenty thousand pounds today.
Beardy Dad: Twenty thousand pounds?! What kind of idiot gets himself twenty thousand pounds in debt?
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: can we move this along pls i kinda have some1 to murda hear
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Look, I'm sorry but I don't have any money! Who gives you the right to break in my house and demand twenty grand off me anyway?
Paul: We're high court enforcement officers, sir.
Beardy Dad: No you're not! I could call the police on you!
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: The debtor threatens to take legal action against the sheriffs.
[Paul confessional.]
Paul: It is obvious why sometimes debtors may get a little defensive and try to intimidate us, but we're in the right, this is our job and most of the time it is not easy.
[End of confessional.]
Beardy Dad: You're abusing my human rights!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Look pal, we're not here to scare you or anything, we're just doing our jobs and we need the money or we'll have to take some goods from you.
SpongeBot: So you are here to scare us?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: (pacing around) Well I don't have any money, and I don't know what to do and- (he sits down and sulks)
Narrator: The debtor is getting a little emotional over the news.
Steve: It's okay, it's okay, it's not your fault.
SpongeBot: It is.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: seriussly can we hurry up, im getting inpatienam
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Look is there anyone you could call for help or anything?
SpongeBot: We could call mom.
Beardy Dad: NO!
[Laugh track.]
Steve: Why can't you do that? You don't really have a lot of options here, pal.
Beardy Dad: I don't want to.
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: The debtor seems to be unable to pay and unwilling to use what little time he has to raise funds, so the sheriffs have no choice but to start evaluating goods.
Paul: Well if you can't pay then we have no choice but to take it away.
SpongeBot: That's the name of the show.
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Take what away?
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Well do you have anything on the property of any value, a car perhaps?
SpongeBot: We have Golden Balls on Nintendo DS.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: If you don't like that we also have Penguins of Madagascar.
[Laugh track.]
Steve: Yeah, sorry but I think that might be a little bit short of the amount we need.
SpongeBot: You should be grateful for what we're offering here!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Is it alright if we search the property?
Beardy Dad: Eh, sure why not.
Narrator: The debtor gives Steve and Paul permission to search the property for any goods.
[Cut to Steve and Paul searching the house.]
Steve: They owe twenty thousand pounds but they have enough money for Puyo Puyo Tetris 2?
Paul: These are nice sofas though, could we get anything for this?
Narrator: The sheriffs are having trouble finding anything of value.
Zoltan: well im having trouble killing someone here
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Why do you want to kill Bot anyway?
Zoltan: she was watching friend sbut it is too much words sex and zoltan dont like sex and bot muts dye 4 her crime
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: But I like sex.
Zoltan: KNOW SEX!!11!!!
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Oh.
Paul: Well, Beardy Dad, we've had a look around but we're still a little short of the amount.
Beardy Dad: But that's impossible!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Are you definitely sure you don't have the money on you?
Beardy Dad: Of course! Why would I lie to the high court?!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Well, I'm sorry but if you don't have the money then we have no choice but to... repossess the house.
Zoltan: WHAT
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: bu if u take the hous away wear will i got to murder spomgebot687
[Laugh track.]
Paul: I said I'm sorry.
Narrator: Faced with drastic consequences, the debtor suddenly has a change of heart.
Beardy Dad: Fine. Cash or credit?
[Laugh track and applause.]
SpongeBot: You mean you had the money this entire time?!
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Well it was my Strawberry Shortcake budget!
[Laugh track.]
Paul: Woah woah woah, you like Strawberry Shortcake too?
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Not really, but I have enough DVDs to fill a warehouse.
Paul: I'll pay twenty grand for the lot.
Beardy Dad: It's a deal!
[Laugh track.]
Steve: Paul!!!
[Paul confessional.]
Paul: What?
[Cut to Steve and Paul leaving the house.]
Narrator: Having reached a deal to cover the debt, the agents' jobs are done.
Beardy Dad: Bye! Come back soon!
[Laugh track.]
Steve: See ya!
[The two drive off. Paul confessional.]
Paul: Sometimes the jobs we get sent to are heartbreaking, sometimes they're violent, and sometimes they're dealing with Beardy Dad. But no matter what, it's my job and I wouldn't change it for the world.
[Cut to SpongeBot, Beardy Dad and Zoltan watching the two drive off.]
Zoltan: YES!!!! THEY'RE FINALLY GONE!!!!
[Laugh track.]
Beardy Dad: Well that was an experience.
SpongeBot: I'll say. Why didn't you just give them the money at the start?
Beardy Dad: I told you, it was my Shortcake money. Besides, when your mom gets back, I wanted to treat her.
SpongeBot: With what?
Beardy Dad: A new driveway.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Let's just get this over with, Zoltan.
[Laugh track and applause. Cut to the bailiffs pulling up at the White House.]
Narrator: Next time on Can't Pay? We'll Take it Away!, Steve and Paul deal with a very special eviction.
Donald Trump: NO!!! I WON THIS ELECTION BY A LOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
[Cut to Bot's Mom and Moped Man watching the show in a hotel room. Bot's Mom points the remote at the screen and turns the TV off.]
Bot's Mom: ...I mean to be fair I expected a lot worse to happen.
[Laugh track, applause and cheers as the credits roll.]
=== (Z) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E8: SpongeBot Gets Cancelled on Twitter [January 18, 2021) {thatjess} ===
["This programme includes depictions of sex words. This was wrong then and is wrong now. Rather than remove this content, we want to acknowledge its blasphemous degeneracy and create a sex-free fanon wiki together. This message was brought to you by the PTSD organisation (People Tired of Sexual Degeneracy). Thank you."]
[We see a shot of a community centre, where many residents are sitting down and waiting for a meeting of some kind. Zoltan enters with a briefcase to cheers and applause from the studio audience.]
Zoltan: sorry im late, i was watching friend sbut it is too much words sex and i dont like sex and i dont wiatch it
[Laugh track. Zoltan makes his way to the back of the room and faces the crowd.]
Zoltan: anyway, welcome to the first biweekly meetup of the "i hate bot club".
[Laugh track.]
Liz: Wait, this isn't the monthly "Fuck CrazySponge Club" meetup?
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: sorry, that's in the room opposite
Liz: Oh, okay. Sorry for the confusion.
[The vast majority of the crowd stands up and leaves. Laugh track.]
Mr. Renaud: Wait, when we say "Fuck CrazySponge", are we speaking literally or-
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: i hav hot scatman pics if u stick wiht us
Mr. Renaud: I mean he's kinda cool, but he's also legal.
[Mr. Renaud stands up and leaves. Laugh track. Zoltan looks over at the few people who are still left.]
CartoonGuy: Well, we still have a bigger turnout than I was expecting anyway.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: anyway, thank you all for coming. as you all know we are gathered here today to share our hatred for the .mp3 addict known as bot.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: my assistant cartongay should be currently setting up the powerpoint as we speak.
CartoonGuy: You're using big words today, No Genitalia Gerald.
Zoltan: I AM NOT NO GENITALIA GERALD! I AM ZOLTAN!
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Okay, okay, fine! I'm getting the first slide up!
[A projector screen lowers behind Zoltan, and we see a PowerPoint slide with the words "BOT = DEVIL" written in Comic Sans at the maximum font size, alongside an image of Bot with devil horns and angry eyebrows poorly drawn onto her. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: BOT IS THE THIRD WORST USER ON THE WIKI!
[Laugh track.]
Chip Rockefeller: Wait, so who's the first two then?
Zoltan: that's crazyspoon and golfpecks
Golfpecks: WHAT
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: I don't believe this! I always thought I was quite liked amongst the SBFW community. I mean, I'm always getting no-good damn fools blocked!
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Yeah, sorry buddy.
Golfpecks: I wondered why I was banned from the Discord server.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: back to the powerpoint, you see this is what the world is like when bot breathes
[CartoonGuy skips to the next slide, which is just a gif of Ross from Friends crying. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: and this is what the world is like when bot un-breathes
[CartoonGuy skips to the next slide again, which is just a gif of Joey from Friends dancing. Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: I thought you didn't like Friends.
Zoltan: i don't, its too much sex words
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Well these are Friends gifs.
Zoltan: WHAT
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: FRIENDS GIFS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: anyway, that's a discussion for when im admin. (laugh track) since this is our first meeting, i think we should introduce ourselves to each other and say why we hate bot. let's start with you.
[Zoltan points to Chip Rockefeller.]
Chip Rockefeller: Me?
Zoltan: yeah
Chip Rockefeller: Oh, uh, hi, I'm Chip Rockefeller, and I hate Bot because she doesn't like my movie. Also she murdered me with an axe once.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: good! now onto put next member!
Cliff Vandercave: Hi, I'm Cliff Vandercave and I hate Bot because I'm basically Chip Rockefeller but different.
[Laugh track.]
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: Greetings, I am the official Nickelodeon Twitter account.
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: You mean you run the account?
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: No, I am the account. (laugh track) I don't like Bot because she's an emoji hater.
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: Hi, I am Golfpecks. I graduated from Harvard and later went on to found and manage the million dollar corporation Banana Studios.
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Oh cool, a rich guy!
Golfpecks: Imagine thinking being a millionaire is "rich". I don't live in Alaska.
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: I hate Bot because she's a fan of the notorious war criminal and singer "Charli XCX". (laugh track) And as we all know, mus-
CartoonGuy: Music is the enemy of the people, yeah we really do all know.
Golfpecks: Actually, as of February 19 2021, MUSIC WAS OFFICIALLY RE-CLASSIFIED AS "NEUTRAL." Music is no longer classed as "THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY," that title officially goes to the Apple iPhone, Social Media industry, the Dark Web and the Internet, although music is still a minor-to-significant threat. Feel free to spread the word.
[Laugh track and applause.]
CartoonGuy: Okay… next!
Minnie Mouse: Guh-huh! I'm Minnie Mouse.
Daisy Duck: Hi, I'm Daisy!
Minnie Mouse: And we hate Bot because she keeps making fun of my ever-so wonderful bow-tique!
[Laugh track.]
Cliff Vandercave: What the fuck is a "bow-tique"?!
Minnie Mouse: Why, it's where every bow is unique! If fun and fashion are what you seek-
Cliff Vandercave: Shut up, please shut up.
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: Imagine going out of your way to seek "fun" and "fashion", maybe under the temptation of the Devil.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: wait daisy duck is a duck right
[Laugh track.]
Chip Rockefeller: No, goose.
Zoltan: oh sorry for my mistake
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: One of Donald Duck's cousins is a goose, I forgot his name but-
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: I thought Bot was Donald Duck.
Daisy Duck: She is, that's why I ditched her and started fucking Mickey.
Minnie Mouse: YOU!
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Well, I uh believe everyone has introduced themselves now.
Golfpecks: Yeah, I say we pick up the pace and start being a lot more productive! We've already wasted two minutes and thirty six seconds on introductions!
[Laugh track.]
Cliff Vandercave: When are we getting the free food?
CartoonGuy: Patience everyone! We still have a lot more…. stuff to get through, probably. Honestly I have no idea what our schedule is.
Zoltan: me neither
Golfpecks: Wait, we don't know what the schedule is?! How are we supposed to get anything done without a schedule to make sure we're at our peak productivity?!
Zoltan: idk i just thought we could like hate on bot for the entire hour and a half the room is booked for
Golfpecks: Unproductive!
[Laugh track.]
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: How is hating on Bot unproductive? It's exactly what we all came here to do.
Golfpecks: I just think there should be some order to it, unlike the fascists over in the other room dumping on Mr. Sponge.
Chip Rockefeller: How can there be any order when talking about a teenage girl who says racial slurs all the time and laughs her ass off about it?! (laugh track) It's completely unacceptable!
Zoltan: I KNOW! bot is even supportive of the evergrowing sex-having movement!
Golfpecks: How dare she!
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: That woman is a monster!
Minnie Mouse: We know! But what should we do about it?!
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: We should all make angry callout posts on our Twitter dot coms!
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: That… is such a great and original idea, Nickelodeon Twitter Account! Let's do it!
All: Yeah!
[Everyone gets their phones out and starts making angry posts on Twitter.]
Zoltan: but… this is supposed to b my club!
Golfpecks: Quiet, "No Genitalia Gerald"! I'm trying to write my angriest Twitter post yet!
[Laugh track. Cut to Not-Joe in his bedroom making an angry post on Twitter dot com.]
Not-Joe: "I'm just saying that the show directly goes against Hillenburg's wishes and I do not want to support the corporate greed of-"
[Laugh track. He gets a new notification.]
nOT-jOE: Huh?
[He opens up a tweet from Zoltan which reads "I HATE BOT! SHE SAYS RACIAL SLURS ALL THE TIME WHILE LAUGHING HER ASS OFF! #CANCELBOT". Laugh track.]
Not-Joe: (gasp) How dare she! I better make a callout post right away!
[Laugh track. Cut to EB in his bedroom filming a rant.]
EB: Hello everyone, this is EB The Original Master here and welcome back to another SpongeBot678 rant video-
[Laugh track. We see a flood of angry tweets about Bot showing up on Twitter. Cut to Bot in her room worshipping a SCOOB! poster. Laugh track. She walks towards her laptop.]
Bot: Welp, now that my daily prayer to the SCOOB! lords is over, it's time to check Twitter.
[She opens up Firefox and types on the Twitter url.]
Bot: (laughs) Nothing bad ever happens to SpongeBot!
[The front page loads and she sees "SpongeBot678" trending, alongside "Super Straight" and "The Wiki Shutdown was an Inside Job". Laugh track. Bot, with a blank expression on her face, slowly folds up the screen of the laptop and takes a deep breath. Cut to Oscar sleeping in his dog bed, where we can hear Bot's loud scream. Laugh track. Cut back to the I Hate Bot Club.]
Daisy: Well we did it again Minnie!
[Laugh track.]
Minnie: You didn't fucking do anything Daisy!
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: WE DID IT! WE DID IT AGAIN!
CartoonGuy: Yeah, I'm honestly surprised we were able to pull it off. I guess cancel culture works in mysterious ways.
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: I just hope Bot doesn't get mad about it.
[Bot bursts through the door looking mad about it. Laugh track.]
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: Oh no, she's fucking pissed.
[Laugh track. Bot storms towards Zoltan, clenching both her fists.]
Zoltan: oh hi bot we were just talking about you
[Mr. Renaud walks back in. Laugh track.]
Mr. Renaud: Pope White Duck - I'm Back, yeah I don't like it in the other club. They're just talking about how messed up it is that this kid has the hots for some character from A Goofy Movie. I tried to tell them that I thought she was hot too and I really don't see what the problem is but-
[Everyone stares at Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh is now not a good time? Sorry I'll leave you alone forever now.
[Laugh track. Mr. Renaud walks out muttering something about being in the LGBTQ+ community. Bot grabs Zoltan by his shirt and lifts him up.]
Bot: Why am I being cancelled on Twitter?
Zoltan: how did you know we were all in here
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Why am I being cancelled on Twitter?
Zoltan: because… you're the 3rd worst user on the wiki
Bot: Can I ask you a question quickly?
CartoonGuy: Is it "Why am I being cancelled on Twitter?"
Bot: How am I supposed to become prime minister when I'm being cancelled on Twitter?!!!
[Laugh track.]
Chip Rockefeller: I mean wouldn't being cancelled on Twitter make you more likely to be MP?
[Laugh track.]
Chip Rockefeller: Biden's a creep and he's the fucking president!
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: Excuse me, Mr. Biden is not a "creep". He is a much beloved member of the Democrats and worked hard to get to where he is today, unlike you communist fools.
Bot: Wait wait wait… Chip Rockefeller is in on this?
[Bot suddenly lets go of Zoltan and he falls to the floor.]
Chip Rockefeller: I'm sorry, but it's what arch-enemies do.
Zoltan: but zoltan suppo 2 be bot's arch-enemy! we rewrote the theme song to explain that at the beginning!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Minnie Mouse is here too?! Daisy Duck?! Golfpecks?!
Golfpecks: Damn fool.
Bot: The Nickelodeon Twitter Account?! Cliff Vandercave?
CartoonGuy: I'm here too.
Bot: I don't care about your presence.
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Zoltan, you gathered all my greatest enemies, and also funny banana man for some reason-
CartoonGuy: He is funny.
[Laugh track.]
Bot: You gathered all my greatest enemies here in one room just so you could cancel me on Twitter? (a tear falls from her eye) Wow, you really must care…
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: WHAT?! NO! I DON'T CARE! I HATE YOU! THIS IS THE I HATE BOT CLUB! NO!
Bot: (crying) I'm so grateful to have such good friends like you...
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: NO! WE ARE NOT FREINDS! THAT HAS TPO MUC SUX WORDS! ROSS IS A BITCH, CHANGLER IS AN ASS, RACHEL IS A DUCKING WHORE, I HATE IT!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Come here, you!
[Everyone except Zoltan walks towards Bot and joins a group hug.]
Zoltan: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
[Beardy Dad walks.]
Beardy Dad: Bot, my girl? Is everything alright? You haven't given me the signal to come out from the car with your axe in case things got violent.
Bot: Everything's fine, Dad.
Beardy Dad: Aw, I do love a happy ending. Come on, we're gonna miss Dogs Behaving (Extremely) Badly!
Bot: Oh shit!
[Laugh track. The group stops hugging.]
Beardy Dad: Oh, uh, you guys know there's a donkey in the parking lot, right?
CartoonGuy: Oh, that's just Zoltan's ass.
Beardy Dad: Ah, gotcha.
[Laugh track.]
Cliff Vandercave: Bye Bot.
Bot: See ya.
[Beardy Dad and Bot walk off.]
Beardy Dad: You really do have an oddball set of friends, you know.
CartoonGuy: Welp, I think this just about concludes our first meeting.
Zoltan: WHAT? NO! ITS NOT OVER YET! BOT'S STILL ALIVE!
[Laugh track.]
Golfpecks: Same time next fortnight?
CartoonGuy: Yeah I guess so.
Minnie: Daisy and I oughta head off back to the bow-tique now anyway.
Zoltan: NO 1S GOING ANYWHERE!
Nickelodeon Twitter Account: See you in two weeks then I guess.
Chip Rockefeller: Bye!
[Everyone except Zoltan and CartoonGuy leaves.]
Zoltan: WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING?! NO!!!
CartoonGuy: Well that was fun, what do you think Zoltan?
[Pan over to Zoltan who is now suddenly dressed like an emo.]
Emo Zoltan: i am now emo Zoltan
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Zoltan?
Emo Zoltan: existence is suffering
[Very loud laugh track because depression is funny.]
Emo Zoltan: i hate society
[Laugh track and applause as the credits begin to roll.]
=== (P) Crash Cheeks [January 22, 2021] {thatjess} ===
Annoyed after losing the 2020 Original Island presidential election to Pampers, Mr. Craps has been secretly working on his own original characters to combat Pampers so he can claim Original Island for himself. The first original character is Crash Cheeks, a squirrel who speaks in an Australian accent for some unapparent reason. Mr. Craps prepares to put Crash Cheeks through the "Craps Hax", a machine supposed to brainwash Crash into being completely obedient to him, but the machine rejects Crash Cheeks, who jumps out the window to escape.
Crash Cheeks washes up on a nearby island called "Outback Island", and has to make it back to Mr. Craps' lab on Original Island to stop him and save their boyfriend, Crash Bandicoot, from going through the Craps Hax. Crash Cheeks meets Phaku Phaku, a completely original spirit in the form of a tiki mask who decides to help Crash on their quest (also so we can sell cute plushies of him).
After making it through the three islands of Outback Island, Jellyfish Island and finally Original Island, Crash returns to Mr. Craps' lab to confront him. Mr. Craps barely escapes with Crash Bandicoot to the Black House, where he intends to ambush President Pampers. After a close battle, Crash Cheeks defeats Mr. Craps, as Pampers returns from a toilet break, very confused. Mr. Craps flees back to his laboratory as Cheeks and Bandicoot embrace. Crash Bandicoot is inspired by his joyfriend's adventure, and ditches them to sell the story to a video game company which becomes a big success. Disheartened, Crash Cheeks decides to settle and becomes a permanent resident of Original Island.
=== (P) Pampers Online Season 4: Cruises and Nuisances [February 6 - April 2, 2021) {thatjess} ===
* February 6 -
** Briefing - "Love really is in the air this season! Islanders are busy preparing for Fuck Day on February 14 (it's exactly what it sounds like) and the entire island has been decorated with love! But the island itself is far from where the action his happening this Fuck Day. Hop on board Crash's Cruise-Ship where a new island destination is waiting for you each week! If you don't fancy exploring, you can stay on board the ship and decorate your room, go shopping, have a swim in the pool, and… adopt other players? Weird, but if you wanna adopt something more worthwhile, why not visit Pets Is We and get yourself your own out snail! Pampers has one, do you?"
** The island has been decorated for Valentine's Day (or "Fuck Day", I guess).
** Crash's Cruise-Ship has appeared at Dandy Docks, allowing players to visit a new island each week. The first island is Outback Island, an Australian-themed jungle. Players can also decorate their room on the ship, swim in the pool, and go shopping in the shops that have relocated from Pets Is We. This includes a new adoption centre, where players can roleplay and "adopt" other players, and the Love Shack, a Fuck Day-themed fancy restaurant.
** Femboy Hooters has been converted into a pet shop called Pets Is We, where players can adopt, care for and customize their own pet snail. Snails need caring for more than avatars and will need food (either grown or bought), and walks through the park.
** Plankles has bought out Club Pampers (now Club Plankles), and installed a pub upstairs.
** The Pampers Circuit has opened, allowing players to rack their cars.
** February 13 - The next location is available from the cruise ship. This location is a European inspired town decorated for Fuck Day, with various shops selling love-themed gifts.
** February 14 - The day of Fuck Day. Players can ask each other out on dates on Crash's Cruise Ship, and be served dinner by new character Luvs.
** February 20 - The next cruise ship location is Toronto, a retro video game-inspired town. The Fuck Day decorations are taken down.
** February 27 - The next location is Ye Olde Bottom, a medieval village.
** March 6 - The next location is the Cool Sands Holiday Resort from the series Six on the Beach.
** March 13 - The next location is Futuresville, a robotic futuristic city.
** March 14 - PI Day, free PI-themed items are given to every player.
** March 20 -
*** The next cruise ship location is the city of Quahog from the hit TV show Family Guy.
*** A special Peter Griffin skin is purchasable from the Griffin household.
*** A new "Channel Chasers" minigame is available to play if the player owns a TV set item
** March 27 - The final location is the town of Stoolbend from the even more hit TV show . This location includes old friends and new friends and even a bear, and is the last location available from Crash's Cruise Ship.
=== (Z) The Life and Times of Miklós Horthy S1E4: SBFW Friends [May 6, 2021] {Zoltan40} ===
[The episode begins with the SBFW friends playing poker; Pluto enters]
Pluto: Hey.
All: Hey!
SpongeBot: So how was Joan?
Pluto: I broke up with her.
All: Oh, why?
Prim: Don’t tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: They were huge.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Jess: Come on, they were not that huge.
Pluto: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
CrazySponge: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Pluto on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It drove me nuts.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: You or me?
Prim: I got it. Uh, CrazySponge, women don't have Adam's apples.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Heh, you guys are messin' with me, right?
All: Yeah. We are.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa.
[Laugh track; the opening plays]
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but
I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)
[Cut to the friends drinking alcohol]
Zoltan: So, you name one woman that you broke up with for an actual real reason.
Pluto: Maureen Rosilla.
Prim: Because she doesn’t hate Yanni is not a real reason.
[Laugh track; knocking is heard on the door, SpongeBot opens it to find Mr. Heckles]
SpongeBot: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
SpongeBot: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
[Laugh track]
Jess: You don't have birds.
[Laugh track]
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
[Laugh track]
Jess: All right, bye-bye.
Pluto: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
Prim: We'll give you Janice.
Zoltan: I miss Janice though. (mimicing Janice) ”Hello, Pluto”
[Laugh track]
Jess: "Oh, my, god.”
[Laugh track; thumping is heard from below]
SpongeBot: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
[SpongeBot begins stomping; thumping is heard again, Jess also starts stomping; thumping again; all the friends join in, and the thumping stops]
Jess: We won. We won!
All: Whoo!
[SpongeBot and Jess high five; cut to Mr. Heckles’ dead body being carried out by the ambulence; laugh track]
SpongeBot: Mr. Heckles…
Jess: How did this happen?
Janitor: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: That's terrible.
Janitor: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.
Janitor: You never know.
[Cut to the friends having breakfast or something]
Zoltan: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Okay, Zoltan.
Zoltan: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.
[Laugh track; the friends scoff]
Zoltan: That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
CrazySponge: Such as?
Zoltan: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
[Laugh track]
Prim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
Zoltan: Nah. Not really.
[Laugh track]
Prim: You don't believe in evolution?
Zoltan: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is too easy?
Zoltan: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Zoltan. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Zoltan: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
[Laugh track]
Prim: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Laugh track; knocking is heard ont he door; SpongeBot goes to open it]
Pluto: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
[The janitor and Saul Goodman open the door]
Janitor: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Saul Goodman, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
SpongeBot: What can we do for you?
Saul Goodman: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Well, what about his family?
Saul Goodman: He didn't have any.
Jess: Ok, so let's talk money.
[Laugh track]
Saul Goodman: All right, there was none. Now, let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...
[Cut to Mr. Heckles’ house, which is in a very messy state; laugh track]
SpongeBot: Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
Jess: Have you ever seen so much crap?
Pluto: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.
[Laugh track; CrazySponge stands infront of a magnifying glass thing]
CrazySponge: Check this out. Can I have this?
[Laugh track]
Prim: How can you not believe in evolution?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
[Laugh track]
Prim: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, okay? You can literally see them evolving through time.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Really? You can actually see it?
Prim: You bet. In the US, China, Africa, all over.
Zoltan: See, I didn't know that.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Well, there you go.
Zoltan: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."
[Pluto opens the book and starts flipping the pages]
CrazySponge: Hey, there's me!
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: April 17th. Excessive noise. Autistic guy comes homes with a date.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Hey Pluto, look, you're in here too.
Pluto: April 18th, excessive noise. Autistic guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Well that's excellent.
[Jess grabs a fancy shellfish lamp]
Jess: SpongeBot, SpongeBot, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Jess, I think we have enough regular lamps.
[Jess grabs another clock that has a naked female on it]
Jess: Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Jess: Well, what about my stuff?
SpongeBot: You don't have any stuff.
[Laugh track]
Jess: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
SpongeBot: Mm… No.
Jess: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
SpongeBot: Mmmmm.
Jess: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Ok, Zolt. See how I'm making these little toys move?
[Prim moves toys with opposable thumbs; laugh track]
Prim: Opposable thumbs.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Zoltan: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Please tell me you're joking.
Zoltan: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
Prim: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
Zoltan: Why not? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Prim under the microscope.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
[They look in their yearbook]
Pluto: Wow, he looks so normal.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: He's even kind of cute.
CrazySponge: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.”
Pluto: Funniest? Heckles?
CrazySponge: That's what it says.
Pluto: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?
Zoltan: I'd call that excessive.
Pluto: Whoa!
CrazySponge: What?
Pluto: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...
[Stomping is heard from above; Pluto grabs a broom and starts thumping]
Pluto: Hey, would you knock it off?
[Laugh track; Pluto realises what he’s doing and drops the broom; cut to CrazySponge walking into a room where Pluto is sitting on the couch; laugh track]
CrazySponge: Have you been here all night?
Pluto: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
CrazySponge: Pluto, Heckles was a nut case.
Pluto: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
Pluto: What if I never find someone? Or even worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Pluto, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
Pluto: How do you know that? How?
CrazySponge: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Yeah, I understand.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?
Pluto: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.
[Pluto leaves]
CrazySponge: Geez. (starts talking to himself) Supposably.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.
[Laugh track; cut to Pluto calling Janice on the phone]
Pluto: (on phone) Hi, it's me.
Janice: Oh, my, god.
[Laugh track; cut to the friends at a bar]
Zoltan: Janice? You called Janice?
Pluto: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
Prim: You remember Janice, right?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
[Janice enters. She is pregnant. Laugh tracker]
Janice: Helloo!
Pluto: Oh, my, god!
CrazySponge: Geez, look how fat she got.
[Laugh track]
Janice: Hey, it's everybody.
Pluto: Janice, you're--
Janice: Yes, I am.
Pluto: Is it--?
Janice: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Pluto. You are looking at a married lady now.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Congratulations.
Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Pluto: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
Janice: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
[Laugh track; cut to SpongeBot, Jess and Zoltan]
SpongeBot: Hey, Jess. You know what we haven't played in a while?
Jess: What?
SpongeBot: Hide the Lamp.
[Laugh track]
Jess: SpongeBot, let it go.
SpongeBot: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
Jess: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
[Laugh track; Prim enters with a briefcase]
Zoltan: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Ok, Zoltan, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Zoltan: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
Prim: It's the only possibility, Zoltan.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Ok, Prim, could you just open your mind like this much, okay?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
[Laugh track]
Prim: There might be… a teeny… tiny… possibility.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: I can't believe you caved.
Prim: What?
Zoltan: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh!
[Laugh track; Prim closes his briefcase and walks out; laugh track]
Zoltan: That was fun. So who's hungry?
[Laugh track]
Jess: I am. Let me just get my coat.
[Jess walks out and SpongeBot accidentally breaks the lamp while trying to get her jacket on; Jess rushes back in]
Jess: What happened?
SpongeBot: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
Jess: Oh, please, SpongeBot. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Zoltan, tell her!
Zoltan: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
[Laugh track; Pluto walks in]
Jess: Hey Pluto. SpongeBot just broke my seashell lamp.
Pluto: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Ok, you win.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Pluto, you're not gonna die alone.
Pluto: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Uh huh. Why is that?
Pluto: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You have got to get over this, okay? You're not gonna end up alone.
Pluto: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
Jess: Pluto, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
[Laugh track]
Jess: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.
SpongeBot: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.
Pluto: In a bad way?
SpongeBot: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
Jess: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
Zoltan: Pluto, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You made it!
Zoltan: You're there!
Jess: You are ready to make a commitment!
Pluto: Whoa! Don't know about that.
[Laugh track; cut to the friends packing; SpongeBot walks in with the girly lamp]
Jess: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
Jess: Thank you.
[The female on the lamp begins shaking whilst whistling is played; laugh track]
SpongeBot: That's fine.
[Pluto walks in]
Pluto: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Aly from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
CrazySponge: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
Pluto: I'll take that.
CrazySponge: You want his yearbook?
Pluto: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
SpongeBot: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone.
[SpongeBot walks behind the magnifying thing]
You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person.
[The friends start laughing at the magnifying thing]
SpongeBot: You're all going to hell.
[Laugh track]
Jess: It's really not that big!
[SpongeBot, Jess and Zoltan walk out with bags; CrazySponge takes the magnifying thing out with him]
Pluto: Takin' that with you, huh?
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Oh, yeah.
[Laugh track; CrazySponge and Prim walk out, leaving only Pluto, but Prim goes back]
Prim: You comin'?
Pluto: Yeah, just a second.
[Prim walks out; somber msuic begins playing as Pluto puts Heckles’ broom next to the door]
Pluto: Goodbye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
[Pluto turns off the lights, walks out and closes the door, as Heckles’ empty room is shown as the credits roll]
=== (Z) The Life and Times of Miklós Horthy S1E5: Full Server (episode) [May 12, 2021] {Zoltan40} ===
[The episode begins with the SBFW Friends watching Friends]
Jess: Isn’t it weird how these guys are living exactly the same life as us?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Yeah, it’s strange. Talking Ben works in mysterious ways.
Jess: True…
CrazySponge: Talking Ben is a lie made up by silly goofy people.
[CrazySponge gets zapped by lightning; the doorbell rings]
Pluto: Ah, that must be the Skylanders I ordered.
[Pluto opens the door and CartoonGuy is there]
CartoonGuy: Heya.
Pluto: Oh, it’s CartoonGuy.
Prim: What brings you here, sir?
CartoonGuy: Well, since I am now a MAN, my father told me to move out of his cool rugby player house and find a home myself.
Jess: Isn’t your father a morbillionare?
CartoonGuy: Ye.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: So you want to move in?
CartoonGuy: Ye.
SpongeBot: Alright. You can sleep on the couch.
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Thank you, you are the kindest people I have ever met.
[Cut to CartoonGuy lying on the couch at night]
CartoonGuy: There’s nothing happening. I should do a little trolling.
[CartoonGuy whips out his lighter; laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Heheheheh.
[Cut to the SBFW Friends standing in front of the apartment which has burned to the ground]
SpongeBot: YOU BURNED DOWN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT?!
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Come on, it was just a tiny mistake!
SpongeBot: DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?!
CartoonGuy: Okay, I might have done a bit too much trolling.
SpongeBot: TROLLING?!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Don’t be too harsh on him, he’s just a kid.
SpongeBot: ZOLTAN, OUR APARTMENT IS GONE. WE HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE.
Prim: Good thing everyone who could have possibly sued us died in the fire.
SpongeBot: YES. FANTASTIC.
[Laugh track]
Jess: At least I saved our most important items.
[Jess is holding a box with a fancy shellfish lamp, a talisman and a copy of Tyce+Travis: Naughty Boys In Bed; laugh track]
CrazySponge: Seriously? My BFBB socks are gone?
SpongeBot: I hate all of you.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Hey, hold on, can’t we just ask Luis if we could stay in his house?
SpongeBot: I doubt he would let us stay there.
Pluto: Come on, Luis is very nice…
SpongeBot: Okay, fine, go ask him.
[Cut to Pluto calling Luis from a telephone box]
Pluto: Hey Luis.
Luis: Pluto? Is that you?
Pluto: Yeah… So like, our apartment kind of… burned down.
Luis: That’s not good.
Pluto: Yeah. I thought maybe you could let us stay in your house for a bit.
Luis: Of course! My house is like a… Full server. It’s huge. Multiple families could live here!
Pluto: Cool.
[Pluto hangs up]
Jess: How did it go?
Pluto: He said we can stay in his house.
CartoonGuy: Sweet.
Prim: I’m glad Luis is always there for us, even in hard times.
Jess: He’s just like Jesus!
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: Can you guys make up your minds about which false god you believe in?
[CrazySponge gets ran over by a 20th Century Limited train; laugh track; cut to the gang in Luis’ house]
Pluto: Nice house you got here.
Luis: Yeah, it is a nice house.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Wow, thanks. Really, thank you for letting us stay here.
Luis: No problem. So, how long are you gonna stay here?
Prim: At least a week.
Luis: That’s fine. I understand that you guys are in a very not good situation right now.
[Luis’ phone starts ringing and he picks it up]
Luis: Hey Purple.
Purple: Yo, Louise, can Dan and I stay at your house for a bit? We are on the run from the authorities.
Luis: Uh, I’m already-
Purple: Wow, thanks dude, we’re going there immediately.
[Laugh track; Purple hangs up]
Luis: Okay, you guys are going to get new roommates.
CrazySponge: Nice. Purple and Dan are very cool and epic and awesome and hot and attractive.
[Laugh track; Dan breaks down the door]
Dan: Hello there.
[Laugh track]
Luis: Greetings, Dan.
Purple: Nice house you got here.
Luis: Yeah, it is a nice house.
[Laugh track]
Prim: SpongeBot, will you marry me?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: I, uh, what?
Prim: Will you marry me?
SpongeBot: Suuure.
Prim: Yay.
[Cut to SpongeBot’s and Prim’s wedding; laugh track]
CrazySponge: I should’ve been the one who married SpongeBot…
[Laugh track]
Jess: I always knew they loved each other.
Zoltan: I didn’t even know they knew each other.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Huh, this really is beautiful. Say, Dan, can I adopt you?
[Laugh track]
Dan: Of course!
Prim: If you’re gonna adopt Dan why won’t you adopt me?
Purple: That’s a great idea! We’re both racist, after all.
Zoltan: On the topic of adoption, can I adopt you?
[Laugh track]
Purple: Yuh.
Zoltan: Good. Now I own all of you now.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: This is getting a bit confusing.
Jess: Hey Pluto, can I adopt you?
[Laugh track; cut to Purple signing documents]
Purple: So this means, that now my father is Zoltan, my children are Dan, Jess and Prim, Prim is married to SpongeBot, and Pluto is Jess’ son.
[Laugh track]
Luis: You guys have created a multigenerational family in the span of five minutes.
Prim: Yeah!
Luis: Can I be part of it too?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Wait, wait, since you are the owner of the house, you should be the owner of everyone here.
[Laugh track]
Luis: So you want me to adopt you?
Zoltan: Ye.
Luis: Alright.
CrazySponge: And finally me! I will be adopting you so I can become the ultimate supreme leader of the SBFW family.
Luis: No.
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Don’t worry CrazySponge, I will happily adopt you.
CrazySponge: I’d rather kill myself.
[Laugh track; someone knocks on the door]
Luis: Ugh, it better not be the IRS again.
[Luis opens the door and Aaron walks in holding a cactus]
Aaron: Hey guys.
SpongeBot: Aaron? What are you doing here?
Dan: I invited him.
Luis: I think you guys are forgetting that I own this house.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Uh, what’s that cactus doing there?
Aaron: Oh, that’s Vanessa.
Vanessa: I turned myself into a cactus.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Marry me immediately.
[Laugh track]
Jess: That’s cool. Anyway, I’m going to become a witch.
SpongeBot: That would be the most normal thing to happen today.
[Laugh track; CrazySponge walks to Aaron]
CrazySponge: Hey Aaron.
Aaron: Hello CrazySponge.
CrazySponge: Can I buy you.
Aaron: No.
CrazySponge: I’m doing it anyway.
[Laugh track]
Aaron: So you guys are like making a family?
SpongeBot: I guess so.
Prim: And as every good couple, we should have sex.
SpongeBot: I hate sex.
Prim: Me too!
[Laugh track]
Aaron: Hey, how about I adopt you, SpongeBot?
SpongeBot: Uh, alright.
Aaron: I have become the new beardy dad.
[Laugh track; Zoltan’s Mum appears; the audience cheers]
Zoltan’s Mum: I am the mother of Zoltan.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: And I am sad to announce that Zoltan… has… died. In a car accident.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: When he was playing with his dog on the street, a car hit him. And now he’s dead. So now I’m buying a new son.
[Laugh track]
Peter Griffin: Boy, this is worse than the time my dog Brian Griffin died.
[Cutaway to Brian and Stewie Griffin on the road]
Stewie: BRIAN LOOK OUT!
[Brian gets ran over; cut back to Luis’ house, where Zoltan is perfectly fine]
Zoltan: What a story, Peter.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Didn’t your mother just say that you died?
Zoltan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
[Laugh track]
Peter Griffin: Poop.
[Granite and Liz walk into the house]
Granite: Oi, I heard that you guys were here.
[Laugh track]
Luis: What the hell.
[Laugh track]
Peter Griffin: I am adopting Granite and Liz.
[Laugh track]
Luis: THAT’S IT. NO MORE. I’M DONE. I’M MOVING OUT.
[Luis walks out]
Zoltan: Does this mean I own the house now?
Purple: I declare myself owner.
[Laugh track]
Cactus: As the spouse of the owner, I am declaring war on SpongeBot’s room.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
Cactus: Yes I can. I am a survivor of the infamous cacti-human war of 2006 B.C.
[Laugh track; cut to Dan smoking weed]
Dan: Hmmm nice weeder.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Hey! This is my house, and you’re not sharing the drugs with me?
[Cut to Granite walking up to Jess]
Granite: Uh, hey Jess, will you marry me?
Jess: Yuh.
Pluto: Seriously? This guy’s gonna be my father?
[Laugh track; cut to CartoonGuy]
CartoonGuy: Does anyone want to adopt me?
[An elderly man appears; laugh track]
Man: I’ll adopt you.
CartoonGuy: I don’t even know who you are.
Man: My name is PoopFan. I like poop. I also fought for Austria-Hungary.
[Laugh track]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, a fellow poop fan!
CartoonGuy: Uh, alright. I trust you.
PoopFan: Cool.
[Cut to Cactus and Purple]
Cactus: Purple, I’m sorry but I feel like our relationship just isn’t working out.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Come on, you only married me like 5 minutes ago!
[Laugh track]
Cactus: Tough luck buddy. Peter Griffin is hotter anyway.
[Laugh track; Luis enters the house; audience gasps]
Luis: Okay, I’m back. After talking with Phil, I have decided to return. You guys can keep this strange family thing going, just please try to not destroy the house.
Jess: Alright Luis, we’ll try our best not to burn this one down too.
Pluto: Who the hell is Phil?
[Laugh track]
Prim: SPONGEBOT, GO TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!
SpongeBot: Anything for my husband!
[SpongeBot goes into the kitchen and immediately starts a fire; laugh track]
Luis: Letting you guys stay here was the worst decision in my life.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Well I guess we now have this full family… this Full Server…
[Sounds of SpongeBot screaming are heard; laugh track]
Jess: Don’t worry SpongeBot, I can save you with my witch powers!
Pluto: I don’t think you’re a witch.
Jess: Let me have some fun.
[Norm from Norm of the North shows up]
Norm: I am Norman.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Marry me immediately.
[Laugh track; the credits roll]
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
=== (Z) Full Server S1E1: Elmo 2 Is In The Freezer! [June 12, 2021] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, thatjess and PrimitiveSponge129} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Transition music plays as we see several shots of cars driving over a red bridge, followed by an establishing shot of a large house. Applause and cheers. Cut to the living area where Zoltan is in the middle of a job interview.]
Zoltan: I'm a registered sex offender.
[Laugh track/applause.]
Virtual Diner: (on call) And you want us to hire you why?
Zoltan: (on call) Oh, yes. Because I need to sell families to other people to eat.
[Laugh track. Zoom call ends.]
Zoltan: Dammit. Second damn interview ruined because of my hobbies.
[SpongeBot enters. Applause and cheers.]
SpongeBot: Please tell me I didn't hear that correctly. The first spoken line of the entire series is "I'm a registered sex offender"?!
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: What else do you expect from a SpongeBob Fanfiction Wiki show made by a 14 year old with the writers from The World of SBFW?
[Laugh track. Prim enters to more applause and cheers.]
Prim: Oh, grandpa! How'd the interview go?
Zoltan: They hung up, but besides that I'm pretty sure I aced it.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Well, while you were out doing that, I was railing my wife in twenty different positions at once. Pretty proud of myself.
[Extra loud laugh track because sex is peak comedy.]
SpongeBot: It's true.
Prim: Honestly life's just been great since we married.
SpongeBot: I never agreed to any of this.
[Big haha sound because we will regret writing this in 10 months.]
Zoltan: Neither did your mother. That's why I have to stay 20 yards away from her.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Are you implying you fucked my mother?
Zoltan: Implying? I gigoogited that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus, and I am not sorry.
SpongeBot: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW AND JUST LIKE USERFICS IN GENERAL ON THE SITE PUTTING TEENAGERS IN REALLY FUCKED UP SEXUAL SITUATIONS
Prim: That isn't even the worst line in the episode.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: But anyway, we have big news.
Zoltan: YOU'RE MOVING OUT?!
SpongeBot: Unfortunately no.
Zoltan: Good because I own all of you.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Actually, we're doing quite the opposite. You see Grandpa, SpongeBot here has pulled a Greg Heffley.
Zoltan: She's pulled a wha-
Prim: She's preggers.
[Gasp/dramatic sound effect]
Zoltan: WHAT
Prim: Yeah… I kinda forgot to wrap it before I tapped it.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: We made a deal with the devil in the process.
Zoltan: I KNEW YOU WERE SATANIC!! NO BEING SATANIC IN MY CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD!!
[Laugh track. Enter Jess to applause and cheers from literally no one.]
Jess: Sounds like a job for a witch-err, human training to be a witch!
Prim: It's funny because Owl House.
Zoltan: Can I fuck you?
[Laugh track.]
Jess: I forget how we're related, so no. Now I want to cast a spell to make sure this conversation never happened.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: But it did happen.
[Laugh track because it's funny because it's true. Pan over to Pluto doing some Math homework in the corner.]
Pluto: Hush up, mom. I'm trying to study.
[Applause and cheers.]
Jess: I'll send you back to the third dimension where you came from if you don't shut up.
[Dan bursts through the wall. Laugh track because destruction is funny.]
Dan: CAN'T A GUY JACK OFF TO SOME SWEET JUICY LOLA BUNNY PORN IN PEACE?!
Jess: I sure love some zoophilia in the morning.
[For legal reasons I don't love zoophilia at any time of the day, I didn't even write that last line - Jess]
Dan: Hey, it's not zoophilia if it's Lola Bunny.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: We're getting off track, laddies. SpongeBot is pregnant with a satanic child.
Dan: Yeah right, like this stupid plot about Bot being pregnant is more important than- wait Bot's pregnant?
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Yeah.
Dan: Wow, congrats girl!
SpongeBot: Congrats for what? I hate it here.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: We must get the essential oils!
Jess: Which kind should we use? Balance? Energy? Horny?
Zoltan: Ooh there's a horny one now, let's go with that one.
Dan: Hey, that's the one I use!
[Laugh track because horny.]
Pluto: DAN!!!!!
Dan: Not now. I'm trying to get my dad banned from Meme World.
Jess: wait wut
Pluto: Hey I thought this was Full Server.
Jess: It is, I just like being random.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Wait, that wasn't even funny.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: QUIT LAUGHING!
[Harder laugh track.]
Pluto: I'M TELLING MY MOM ON YOU CRACKHEAD LAUGH TRACKERS!!!
[No more laugh tracks because that joke went on for long enough. More transition music plays as we see more unnecessary shots, this time of people downtown. Does this have anything to do with the episode? No, but the audience applauds and cheers anyway. Cut to SpongeBot and Prim alone.]
Prim: Man, I'm excited for our baby to come. Even if it is a satanic red puppet asshole.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: What's that supposed to mean?
Prim: I'm just saying we need to be prepared to love and respect this baby no matter what they turn out to be.
SpongeBot: That's not going to age well, is it?
Prim: Well, we can always grab the shotgun.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: NO, no. I'm fine with what's gonna happen.
Prim: Just letting you know that murder is always the answer to all your problems.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: That's both really good and really terrible advice.
Prim: So what should we do while we wait for the baby? It usually takes nine months for these things but the writers'll probably condense it down to like fifty lines of text.
SpongeBot: Well, we could always watch some Channel 5 shows.
Prim: Or we can play funny Nintendo games.
SpongeBot: We could do Gex night! I love Gex night!
Prim: We could read unfunny Garfielf strips.
SpongeBot: We could smoke crack and drink vodka.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: While continuing to bang? You know, it helps build the baby.
SpongeBot: Why not all of those things?
Prim: You're right. Unnecessary cut to Jess doing witch shit we go!
[Laugh track. Cut to Jess doing witch shit.]
Jess: Okay, uh, I forget how this spell goes. Abraca-ding-dong!
[A dick appears on her nose. Laugh track.]
Jess: Haha, very funny. Now where the hell's the spell to get rid of this thing?
[She quickly flips through her spellbook.]
Pluto: [walks in] Holy shit. Mom turned into Squidward!
Dan: [walks in] Can I have that spell? For scientific reasons?
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Dan, go play with the dick you've already been born with. I'm very busy.
Dan: Aw.
Purple: [Walks in] Danny, me and your father are going to Meme World Picture Sundays for the day. Anything you want from the gift shop?
Dan: The new 13-inch Life in Bikini Bottom Dildo!
[Laugh track.]
Purple: Dan, we already got that for you last Christmas. Also Life in Bikini Bottom is your show, right? So can't you make it yourself?
Dan: But this one is purple!
Purple: So am I but you don't see me talking about it.
[Laugh track.]
Dan: Please?!!
Norman: No means no mister. Me and your father have spent enough money on dildos.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Does this show have any material other than haha sex jokes?
Everyone else: Shut up!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Wait, where's Grandpa?
[Zoltan enters naked.]
Zoltan: WOOO-HOOO! Yippee-kay-aye motherfuckers. I'm going to a strip mall.
Dan: Take me with you!
[Laugh track, because sex.]
SpongeBot: I hate you, grandpa-in-law.
Zoltan: The feeling is mutual, my child.
SpongeBot: Oh god, the baby is coming.
Dan: Heh, coming, cumming.
Jess: Shut up, I literally have a dick on my nose.
Dan: Can it squirt mommy milk?
Jess: Can I slap you in the face for saying that?
Dan: Can you slap me with that nose of yours?
SpongeBot: I'M LITERALLY IN LABOR YOU HORNY WHORES!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: I… think we should go to the hospital.
Zoltan: NONSENSE! I'll get the baby out myself. They don't call me Dr. City for nothing.
SpongeBot: Exactly, because they never call you that.
[Zoltan takes out a chainsaw. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: By the way, what's this show's age rating?
Prim: Rated G for Globalle- hey aren't you supposed to be giving birth?
SpongeBot: Oh yeah.
Zoltan: Okay, now hold still. This won't hurt a bit… I assume.
[Laugh track. More music plays as we see more unnecessary shots of outside scenery against cheers and applause. Cut back to the same room where Zoltan is carrying a baby towards SpongeBot and Prim.]
Zoltan: Look, it has a bigger dick than Dan.
[Laugh track.]
Dan: Nope.
Zoltan: I measured it, it's a whole inch bigger than yours.
Mr. Renaud: Can I measure it?
[Laugh track because pedophilia.]
Dan: Nope.
SpongeBot: You measured it with one of Dan's dildos.
Prim: Wait, you measured a baby's dick?
SpongeBot: Zoltan's six so I think we're okay.
Prim: I thought he was our grandpa.
Mr. Renaud: I LOVE THIS SHOW!
[Laugh track because pedophilia, again.]
Prim: Who let the pedo in again?
SpongeBot: All of us did, Prim. All of us.
Baby: Goo-goo gaa gaa motherfucker.
Prim: Oh man, his first word was “motherfucker”.
SpongeBot: (rolls eyes) I wonder where he learned it from.
Prim: I'm gonna rip a bong because I'm proud.
Zoltan: What are you gonna call the baby?
SpongeBot: Pai-
Prim: Elmo 2.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: What happened to Elmo 1?
Dan: Prison.
[Laugh track. Cut to Lil Grizz (Elmo) in prison.]
Lil Grizz: Guess I was too gangsta for them coppers.
Police Officer: You're 12.
[Laugh track. Cut back.]
SpongeBot: The baby doesn't even look like Elmo.
Prim: It could if you believe.
[SpongeBot tries to believe.]
SpongeBot: I think I need more vodka.
Prim: I even called it back in the first couple of pages.
[Flashback]
Prim: Man, I'm excited for our baby to come. Even if it is a satanic red puppet asshole.
[Flashback ends]
Prim: Good times…
SpongeBot: YOU ASSHOLE!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: What did I-
SpongeBot: YOU FUCKING CURSED OUR BABY!
Prim: YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WENT TO A SATANIC MEETING!
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 loves everyone, but he especially loves Satan.
SpongeBot: You've never even MET the guy!
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 can see him… in his mind.
Zoltan: Why is this baby speaking hocus pocus?
Prim: Dark magic.
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 likes the dark side.
SpongeBot: Where's that shotgun?
Prim: I think Elmo 2 has it.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 loves the right to bear arms.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Now, now, Elmo 2, mommy wants you to put that shotgun down.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 hates being talked to like a baby.
SpongeBot: Do you want me to talk to you like an adult, you fucking bitch?
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 says yes.
Prim: Why do I feel like something bad's going to happen?
SpongeBot: We literally have a satanic baby, of course something bad's gonna happen.
Dan: MY DICK IS CAUGHT IN A BEARTRAP!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: And he has a gun. I don't think anything good can come from that.
SpongeBot: If Elmo 1's taught us anything, it is certain nothing can.
Jess: It's a shame we're not the Kennedys.
[Haha sound because JFK.]
SpongeBot: ...what?
Jess: Because… nothing bad ever happens to… you know what, fuck it I'm off to get this dick off my nose. Good luck with the baby!
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 hates you.
[Laugh track. Jess walks off.]
Prim: So… what now?
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 is gonna go praise Satan.
SpongeBot: Wait, I think I have an idea. You know what Golfpecks says.
[Laugh track because funny penguin man.]
Prim: Oh god, we're bringing that guy into this show? He's a nutjob!
SpongeBot: Yeah but he can help convert Elmo 2 to Christianity!
Prim: That's not gonna happen.
SpongeBot: Would you rather our baby thing be a Satanist forever?
Prim: Well it's what we get for dealing with the Devil.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Say, how did Elmo 2 form anyway?
SpongeBot: You've played with Lego, right?
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Yeah, but like... how do Garfield and Rosalina make Elmo? How does cat + human = puppet?
SpongeBot: I hate you for making me think about Garfield and Rosalina babies.
Prim: You mean Garfalina babies.
SpongeBot: Don't you dare use ship names in front of me!
Prim: Titanic.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Very funny. So, should we go check on Elmo 2?
Prim: For all I know he's possessed our precious private parts.
SpongeBot: Maybe that's why my butt feels tingly.
Prim: No, that's because of anal sex.
[Laugh track because sex!]
[Elmo 2 is sitting on a shelf up high.]
Prim: Hey, Elmo 2, get down from there!
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 does not like being told what to do.
Prim: Well, Elmo 2's not gonna like death either.
Elmo 2: Actually, Elmo 2 enjoys death very much.
SpongeBot: Then die already.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Put him in the freezer.
SpongeBot: Good thinking. Wait, we have to get him down first.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 will never get down.
Prim: Hey, Elmo 2! Satan says he wants you to get down.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 will now get down.
[Laugh track. Elmo 2 jumps down from the shelf.]
SpongeBot: Wow, that actually worked.
Prim: Satan is the answer to everything, my dear SpongeBot. And you wanted to convert him to Christianity.
SpongeBot: Don't tell me you're a satanist too.
Prim: Nah, it's kinda like catnip and cats. Speaking of catnip I'm craving some right now.
SpongeBot: Wait, are we PrimitiveSponge129 and SpongeBot678 from SBFW or are we Garfield from Garfield and Rosalina from Mario? I genuinely don't know at this point.
Prim: It'll probably change next time you get a new profile picture on Discord.
SpongeBot: If I change it to literally Satan what would happen then?
Prim: Don't try that for the love of all that is holy.
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 is waiting for Satan's orders.
Prim: Oh, right. Satan says… go in the freezer.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 hates the cold, but if Satan says so.
[Elmo 2 wanders off into a nearby freezer.]
Prim: Honestly almost forgot we had a freezer.
SpongeBot: I use it when Zoltan starts complaining about Friends. Must say, it works like a charm.
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 2: How long must Elmo 2 stay in the freezer for?
Prim: For as long as it takes, my child. As long as it takes.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 doesn't want to take your word for it. Elmo 2 wants Satan's words.
[Purple walks in.]
Purple: Hello famil-oh holy shit. What the hell is that?
Prim: That? You're calling my child a that?! That's the nicest thing someone has said to him today.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: That’s not a child, that’s a hellspawn.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 will now get out of the freezer.
SpongeBot: That’s it.
[She gets out her bong, and lights it up.]
Prim: Wait, hold on a second, Bot.
SpongeBot: I deserve it. I carried a fucking hellspawn for 22 minutes. Plus, I need to rip the bong.
Prim: I think this bong is the key to our freedom.
SpongeBot: Are you thinking about setting our child on fire? If so I’m in.
[Laugh track. Jess walks in.]
Jess: Hey everyone, I fixed the dick on my nose.
Prim: Shit, I was just starting to get used to it.
[Dan then walks in.]
Dan: Fellas! FELLAS! I am so horny!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Not the time to fap to Lola Bunny, Dan. We know how to kill the reincarnation of Satan.
Dan: EDP445?
[Laugh track because Renaud.]
Prim: Like his pyramid dick could kill that thing.
SpongeBot: Why are we having this conversation?
Prim: You know, it could be much, much worse.
[Pluto walks across the screen.]
Pluto: Mega lesbian moment. 7.5/10. Owl House is good now.
SpongeBot: Hey, I’M supposed to be the one that’s high.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Hey does anyone have anything I can set Bot’s bong on fire?
SpongeBot: Why the hell would someone wanna set my bong on fire? Anyway, here's a blowtorch.
[Laugh track.]
[She gives a blowtorch to Prim.]
[Zoltan walks in.]
Zoltan: It’s 4 o’ clock. Time for my daily- OH HOLY FUCK! What are you doing to my great grandchild?
Prim: Uhh… Satan told him to.
Zoltan: oh ok- WAIT WHAT
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: I TOLD YOU NO HOCUS POCUS HIBBA GIBBA IN MY CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD!
Prim: IT’S IMPORTANT, OK? WE GOTTA KILL THE SPAWN OF HELL!
Zoltan: oh ok.
Prim: Time to turn this torch on.
[Prim turns on the blowtorch and fucking burns Elmo 2, who is now just a pile of ashes.]
Prim: Yay, we killed our child! That sounds bad out of context.
SpongeBot: It also sounds bad IN context.
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Well, at least that satanist red bitch is no more.
SpongeBot: Well, now what do we do?
Prim: Wanna build another baby?
SpongeBot: Sure. Just lemme smoke these MP3 files first.
[Laugh track. Applause. More pointless transitions as we cut to the main room again. Zoltan is drinking orange juice.]
Zoltan: ahh, thats the good shit right there
[Prim and SpongeBot walk in.]
Prim: Bot's pregnant again.
[Zoltan spits out his drink. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Cleanup on aisle Zoltan.
Zoltan: I will disown you one of these days.
[Laugh track. Zoltan gets out a mop and starts cleaning up the mess he made. Roll credits.]
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E1: SpongeBin Insults a Woman [June 15, 2021] {FireMatch} ===
Narrator: Ah, the sea. A wonderful place for many sea creatures to thrive. And also… some not-so wonderful ones.
(The camera zooms into a very average-looking crabapple house, and the door opens to reveal a very angry sponge)
Singer: Ohh, who lives with misogyny under the sea? SpongeBin Ihatewomen!
SpongeBin: I fucking hate women.
Singer: (not singing) You know my wife is a woman right?
SpongeBin: SHE SUCKS
Singer: (starts crying)
SpongeBin: Ah, what a womanless day. I think I deserve a treat at my favorite restaurant: the Krusty Krab. My cousin works there, and none of the employees are women so it's perfect.
(Bubble transition to SpongeBin walking towards the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBin: Nothing like a trip to the Krusty Krab.
(He then spots something inside the building)
SpongeBin: Is that what I think it is…? OH GOD THAT FISH HAS TITS, IT’S A WOMAN! Why would they let such a female inside of a building like this?
(He enters the Krusty Krab to get a better look. The woman is eating a salad.)
SpongeBin: A salad?! Only bitches eat that shit!
Woman: Excuse me?
SpongeBin: You heard me, FEMALE.
Woman: Is that supposed to be an insult?
SpongeBin: Yes. Females are known to be very bad. I hate them. And I must say, your shoes are looking very bad today.
Woman: These shoes are over a hundred dollars!
SpongeBin: And why the hell do you have tits? Fish don't have tits! Only women have those things!
Woman: I'm literally a woman.
SpongeBin: (makes a face of disgust) Gross! Get that shit outta here!
(A fat starfish then enters the Krusty Krab)
Patracist: Nothing like having lunch at the KKK- OH NO IT’S A FISH!
Woman: Why does everyone hate me today?
Patracist: People like you don't belong in this town!
SpongeBin: Yeah, especially women!
Woman: We literally gave birth to you!
SpongeBin: I don't care! The only place I should be seeing you in is the kitchen!
Woman: Just let me eat in peace!
Patracist: (racial slur)
SpongeBin: WHY ARE YOUR SHOULDERS EXPOSED?
Other woman: Because I can?
SpongeBin: Men are gonna go ham on you, and you'd be to blame!
Other woman: Do you live to be sexist or something?
SpongeBin: Why do you think my last name is Ihatewomen?
Woman: I can tell your family is a piece of work.
SpongeBin: And I can tell you're a piece of shit, XX chromosome bearer.
Woman: What about trans men then?
SpongeBin: They realize that we are indeed the superior sex and joined the good side. It's like Star Wars but real life, yo.
Woman: I can't even-
Patracist: And I can't even fathom that you'd show your face in public, (racist slur for fish)!
SpongeBin: Ooh, I've never heard that one before.
Woman: That's it, I'm at my breaking point. The next time I see you two is hopefully in court.
SpongeBin: Oh, I'm so scared, Karen!
Woman: My name is Alice.
SpongeBin: Such a female name, how disgusting!
Patracist: And also sounds like a name a fish would have!
Woman: Why do I even bother with you two? You guys just hate me because I exist.
SpongeBin: That's the entire issue!
Woman: Do you want me to just not exist or something?
SpongeBin: Yeah that'd be epic poggers moment.
(The woman decides to not exist anymore because logic)
SpongeBin: Score one for SpongeBin!
Patracist: Well, I best be off ordering a Krabby Patty. See you around, SpongeBin.
SpongeBin: Bye, buddy. And remember, kids, women are bad!
(He winks at the camera as the episode ends)
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E2: SpongeBin Bombs a Woman's House [June 19, 2021] {CartoonGuy277} ===
[The episode starts with SpongeBin flying a plane]
Tough voice coming from the plane’s radio: SpongeBin, sir, the target is right below you!
SpongeBin: Well, this is it…..[clicks a red button]
[Cut to a shot of outside the plane, where bombs fall from it. Then, cut to a house below with “WOMAN” written on it; the house gets bombed, and SpongeBin comes to the scene with a parachute after the bombing]
SpongeBin: I did it… I DID IT!
[A crowd of men appears]
Man: You sure did!
[All the men lift up SpongeBin and chant “hip-hip-hooray!”, but the chant eventually turns into the sound of SpongeBin’s alarm clock honking, and the screen starts fading away, with SpongeBin waking up in his bed, revealing it was all a dream]
SpongeBin: [turns off his alarm clock] Hooray! Joe! I had that dream again! And it’s finally going to come true! [he runs over to his calendar, which says “June 18”] Today! Sorry about this calendar. [he tears off the calendar page to one that says "June 19". The page has a drawing of SpongeBin on top of a bomb dropping on a woman’s house] Because today is the day you give me your bombs so I can bomb a woman’s house!
Joe: *sniff*
SpongeBin: You did finish making them, right?
Joe: Yeah sure, now give me ice cream.
SpongeBin: Sure thing! [grabs some ice cream from his pants, and throws it at Joe’s face]
Joe: Meow.
[SpongeBin goes to another room, where a variety of bombs are]
SpongeBin: Ooooh, I’m going to have fun with these bad boys!
Joe: I always have fun with boys.
[Cut to SpongeBin in a plane, sitting in the pilot’s seat]
SpongeBin: Why is this thing called Mafia Airlines? Oh yeah, didn’t a mafia guy give this plane to Joe or something? Oooh, looks like Joe left a tape to teach me how to fly the plane!
[SpongeBin grabs a tape that says “How to fly this thing by your snail” and inserts it into a video player. A screen shows up, and a video of two women marrying plays]
SpongeBin: WHAT THE FUCK?! JOE! THIS IS DISGUSTING! THERE’S TWO WOMEN AND THEY’RE NOT DEAD!
Homophobeward: And they’re LESBIANS! MARRYING! This should be illegal!
Patracist: AND THEY’RE FISH! THEY’RE [racial slur]!
Homophobeward: And [homophobic slur]!
SpongeBin: [breaks the tape in half] Wait, when did you two get here?
Patracist and Homophobeward: The IRS.
SpongeBin: Ah. Well, time to get this thing to fly! How hard can it be?
[He presses a few buttons, making the plane go in the sky then stop and start falling then start flying again then it goes around in circles then it starts to crash down and then it starts flying by itself]
SpongeBin: I…I think it’s on autopilot….all good…..
[A voice is suddenly heard all around the plane]
Voice: WOMAN HOUSE ALERT. WOMAN HOUSE ALERT. A WOMAN LIVES IN THIS HOUSE. TARGET BELOW.
SpongeBin: Oh my Neptune…this is it…the moment I’ve been waiting for…...IT’S TIME FOR THOSE BOMBS TO DROP!
[SpongeBin presses a red button with “BOMBS” written on it]
[Cut to the bombs slowly falling on the house as the The Cleveland Show theme song plays in the background]
[Cut back to the plane]
Voice: THE BOMBING IS COMPLETE. MAMMA MIA! PAY THE MAFIA!
SpongeBin: Thank you for flying with Mafia Airlines, guys, now I must see my bombing…...I’M SO EXCITED! [jumps out of the plane with a parachute]
Homophobeward: Uh, is this going to stop or…..
Patracist: Only time will tell. Meanwhile, let’s play GUESS THE SLUR!
[Cut to SpongeBin landing with his parachute in a deserted place]
SpongeBin: Wow, the house truly disappeared…I did it…I bombed a woman’s house…….I BOMBED A WOMAN’S HOUSE! WOOHOO! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!
[Cut to Mr. Krabs driving a boat, with Plankton next to him and Pearl in the backseat]
Pearl: That was the best concert EVER! Hot singers, hot music, hot everything!
Plankton: Really hot.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah Pearl, it was good, but uh, you know that song about capitalism? See, capitalism actually works, because-
Plankton: Uh, shouldn’t we see our house by now?
Mr. Krabs: Huh, weird…wait, is it…GONE?! AND WHY DO I SEE SPONGEBIN THERE?!
Pearl: OUR HOUSE IS GONE?! BUT MY DIARY WAS THERE!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, we’ll confront SpongeBob’s ol’ sexist cousin alright!
[Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and Pearl stop the boat and go running towards SpongeBin]
Mr. Krabs: Hello, SpongeBin.
SpongeBin: [turns around] Oh, Mr. Krabs! My cousin’s boss, nice to see ya, hi Plankton, and fuck you Pearl.
Pearl: FUCK YOU AS WELL!
SpongeBin: I’m just here admiring the nothingness, as there used to be a house here, but I completely bombed it! A woman lived here, so it’s fine.
Mr. Krabs: That woman is my daughter, and she lived with me and SHELDON!
SpongeBin: Oh shit, I didn’t know! Please don’t kill me, please, if I knew you and Plankton were involved, I wouldn’t have done it! I JUST HATE WOMEN!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBin, I think it is time for you to beat my big meaty cock!
SpongeBin: what
Mr. Krabs: I mean, SpongeBin, I think it is time for you to meet my big meaty CLAWS!
SpongeBin: *sigh* Mondays. [gets beaten up by Mr. Krabs]
Plankton: Hot.
Mr. Krabs: We’ll see you in court! Sheldon makes for a good lawyer.
Plankton: I WENT TO COLLEGE!
Mr. Krabs: [kicks SpongeBin into the sky]
SpongeBin: Good grief.
French Narrator: Meanwhile in Syria…
[Cut to Syria, where a shot of Patracist walking through dead bodies with a gun is seen. The same thing happens with a shot of Homophobeward, until the two meet]
Patracist: Homophobeward...
Homophobeward: Patracist…
Patracist and Homophobeward: I’m sorry for this… [loads gun]
[The screen cuts to black]
French Narrator: To be continued…in our new spin-off, Syrian SpongeBob!
=== (P) Pampers in the House S1E2: Pickle Pampers [June 23, 2021] {thatjess} ===
[Establishing shot of the black house. Cut to SpongeCicle chilling out in a refrigerator.]
Pampers: (offscreen) SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle pauses, opens the fridge door, looks around and finds nothing, and then closes the door again.]
Pampers: (offscreen) SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle opens the fridge door again.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers?
Pampers: (offscreen) Heeey SpoooongeeCiicccllleeeee!
SpongeCicle: Pampers?
[SpongeCicle steps out from the fridge.]
SpongeCicle: Wh- Where are you?
Pampers: SpongeCicle, I'm in my presidential office, come to my office.
[Cut to SpongeCicle entering Pampers' empty office.]
SpongeCicle: Are you sure you're in here?
Pampers: (offscreen) Positive.
SpongeCicle: (looking around) Well I don't see you in here.
Pampers: (sigh) Just come to my desk, 'Cicle.
[SpongeCicle hops over to Pampers' desk to find a pickle.]
SpongeCicle: Oh no.
Pampers: Flip the pickle over.
SpongeCicle: No, no, I see where this is going.
Pampers: Just flip the pickle over, okay?
SpongeCicle: You're not funny, Pampers.
Pampers: Just do it, alright?!
SpongeCicle: Ugggghhhh, fine. Let's get this over with.
[He flips the pickle over to find Pampers' face on it.]
Pickle Pampers: I turned myself into a pickle, SpongeCicle! Boom! Big reveal: I'm a pickle. What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle!
[Pause.]
Pickle Pampers: W-what are you just staring at me for, bro. I turned myself into a pickle, SpongeCicle!
SpongeCicle: And?
Pickle Pampers: And what? Is this not the funniest shit you've ever seen?
SpongeCicle: N- Not really, no, it's kinda a dead meme, Pampers.
Pickle Pampers: Dead meme, pffft, more like you're a dead meme! Just look at me - I'm Pickle Pampers!
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Unnamed Assistant enters the room.]
Unnamed Assistant: President Pampers, reminder that your summit meeting with the president of Petoria is in tw- (rushes over to the desk) GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HERE?!'
Pickle Pampers: Uh…. aurora borealis?
Unnamed Assistant: Aurora borea- is this some weird starfish thing I haven't heard of.
Pickle Pampers: Oh, you liking the new look Jeeves?
Unnamed Assistant: That's not my name.
SpongeCicle: Then what is your name?
Unnamed Assistant: Uh-
Pickle Pampers: Just forget it, behold, I turned myself into a pickle!
Unnamed Assistant: I- You- I uh- We should- I…
[Pause.]
Unnamed Assistant: What the fuck?!
Pickle Pampers: I turned myself into a pickle, what don't you understand here?
Unnamed Assistant: But… how?
Pickle Pampers: Beats me.
Unnamed Assistant: But sir, you have your summit meeting in just a couple hours! This is no time for shenanigans! You can't show up… like this!!!
Pickle Pampers: Why not? It'd be good publicity.
SpongeCicle: He has a point.
Unnamed Assistant: Just… (groans) just please turn yourself back, okay?!
Pickle Pampers: Okay.
[The unnamed assistant leaves.]
SpongeCicle: You can turn yourself back, right?
Pickle Pampers: Nope.
SpongeCicle: Great, that's just perfect. One of my closest friends is now a pickle.
Pickle Pampers: You're a popsicle.
SpongeCicle: Touché. We just need to somehow turn you back or Unnamed Assistant will kill us!
Pickle Pampers: Well how are we supposed to do that, smart guy?
SpongeCicle: Well I dunno, do I?!
Pickle Pampers: It's a shame we don't know a mad scientist or anyone who could help us out here.
SpongeCicle: Aha! But we do! Mr. Craps!
Pickle Pampers: Mr. Crack?
SpongeCicle: No, that's the eccentric restaurant owner. Mr. Craps is the eccentric evil scientist.
Pickle Pampers: Evil?
SpongeCicle: Well we all have to make a deal with the Devil sooner or later, right?
[Cut to the two approaching Mr. Craps' island laboratory.]
Pickle Pampers: Ugh, that was some steep hill.
SpongeCicle: I was carrying you the whole time!
Pickle Pampers: Yeah but… whoo I'm exhausted.
SpongeCicle: At least when you're not a pickle you have more than one leg and they're not popsicle sticks.
Pickle Pampers: Someone has issues…
SpongeCicle: You're the one who turned yourself into a pickle with a few hours left into your big meeting with- hey, were you trying to get out of your important meeting?
Pickle Pampers: Perhaps.
SpongeCicle: I hate you.
Pickle Pampers: Love you too.
SpongeCicle: Ugh, let's just get to the lab and hope the man hasn't gone out or something.
[They approach the laboratory door, there is a sign that reads "Sorry, I've gone out or something. Love, Mr. Craps xxx". The two stare in silence for a few seconds.]
SpongeCicle: Well this blows.
[Cut to the two pushing a shopping cart down a supermarket aisle.]
SpongeCicle: Okay, so that flopped. What are we supposed to do now? He might not be back for ages.
Pickle Pampers: Eh, I say we go back in like an hour or so. It's cutting it close but I'm not waiting on his doorstep for forever.
SpongeCicle: Wait, what are we doing here again?
Pickle Pampers: Well if I'm stuck being a pickle-
SpongeCicle: You say that as if you didn't do this to yourself.
Pickle Pampers: Whatever. If I'm stuck being a pickle for now, I might as well start mixing in with my people. SpongeCicle, could you grab that pickle jar for me please? I would get it myself but, you know… I turned myself into a pickle.
SpongeCicle: Fine.
[SpongeCicle reaches for a pickle jar and tries to take it off the shelf but some kind of force keeps pulling it back.]
SpongeCicle: Ugh, it won't budge!
Pickle Pampers: What do you mean? Did someone glue it to the shelf or something?
SpongeCicle: I don't know bu-
[SpongeCicle manages to grab the jar and places it in the cart. Plankles, who was trying to grab the jar from the other aisle, is sent flying across to the opposite shelf screaming.]
SpongeCicle: There! Wait, what was that?
Plankles: (offscreen) Over here!
[Pan over to Plankles stuck to the label of some tomato ketchup.]
Plankles: You idiot! You could have had me killed!
SpongeCicle: Oh, uh, heh… (he peels Plankles off the ketchup) sorry about that. Wait, Plankles? Is that you?
Plankles: SpongeCicle? Holy shit! I haven't seen you since like… 2018 was it? I mean, yeah, you're vice-president now so obviously I've seen you but I haven't seen you seen you.
SpongeCicle: Still going after the ol' Crack Patty secret formula, are we?
Plankles: Heh, uh… yes, actually. Anyway, what are you doing here shopping with the commoners?
SpongeCicle: Commoners?
Plankles: Yeah, you know, peasants, poor people. Even I'm embarrassed to shop here and, as much as I don't want to admit it, I have no power whatsoever!
SpongeCicle: Oh, Pampers and I just came in for some pickles.
Plankles: President Pampers is here?!
Pickle Pampers: hi how are ya
Plankles: (scream) How in God's name did you do that?!
Pickle Pampers: Well it's interesting actually-
Plankles: Nevermind, I've heard enough. We've got to get you back to your normal self! You've got your summit meeting soon!
SpongeCicle: I thought you didn't support us and The Birthday Party.
Plankles: Well I am a commie but friends are always there to help each other when they get into a pickle, right?
Pickle Pampers: Please stop.
SpongeCicle: Hold on, you can turn Pampers back to normal?
Plankles: Yeah, of course! I like to dabble in the sciences a little bit. If you bring me one of the president's armpit hairs or something and meet me back at my place it should be no problem!
Pickle Pampers: Look, Plankles, we appreciate the offer bu-
SpongeCicle: We'll see you in about half an hour!
Plankles: Great!
[Cut to SpongeCicle and Pampers walking down the halls of the Black House.]
Pickle Pampers: Look, SpongeCicle, are you sure we can trust this guy? He's a crook!
SpongeCicle: Well no but it's our only shot. And if I've learned anything from Lin-Manuel Miranda, it's that Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after Alexander Hamilton. You're just trying to put off turning back to normal as long as possible so you can miss the summit.
Pickle Pampers: Ugh, I hate how well you know me.
SpongeCicle: And I love it.
Pickle Pampers: So… how are we going to find some of my body hair then? In case you haven't noticed I'm a pickle!
[The two enter Pampers' private bathroom, and walk towards the bathtub which is full of hair.]
Pickle Pampers: Oh, right.
SpongeCicle: I'm a popsicle so I'm the last person to ask, but you really should shave more often.
Pickle Pampers: I know…
[Cut to the two approaching Plankles' restaurant.]
SpongeCicle: Well, here we are. In a few minutes from now you'll be back to normal!
Pickle Pampers: (sarcastically) Whoopee.
[Plankles comes out from the restaurant.]
Plankles: Ah! Here they are! I just knew you wouldn't ditch me!
Pickle Pampers: Believe me, I tried.
Plankles: Well uh… what are we waiting for? Come in, come in!
[The three enter.]
SpongeCicle: So… this your lab?
Plankles: No, this is my restaurant. As you can see, no one ever eats here because the food is terrible.
SpongeCicle: Oh, come on! It can't be that bad!
Plankles: This place is literally called The Cum Bucket.
[Laugh track.]
Pickle Pampers: Yum.
Plankles: Or the Weed Bucket.
[Laugh track.]
Plankles: My character page says the latter but the original Pampers series says the former so I genuinely don't know anymore.
[The three enter the "Staff Only" area and approach a wall fitted with two levers.]
Plankles: My lab is down here. Pull the lever, SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle pulls the left lever and Plankles falls through the floor.]
Plankles: WRONG LEVER!!!!!!!!!!
[Plankles walks back into the "Staff Only" area soaking wet.]
Plankles: Ugh.
SpongeCicle: Talk about a cheap reference.
[Plankles pulls the right lever and the wall flips over, landing the three in a rollercoaster cart that sends them down to the secret lab.]
Pickle Pampers: Put your arms in the air, SpongeCicle! I don't have arms right now so I can't but it's more fun if you out your arms in the air!
[The rollercoaster track stops and they arrive in the lab.]
Plankles: We're here!
[The three exit the cart and walk across the lab, past various machines and gadgets, etc. They eventually reach a machine at the end which lets you step into it.]
Plankles: This right here, gentleman and gentleman, is the machine that will turn you, Pampers, back to normal.
Pickle Pampers: Pretty weird that he already has it built, right?
Plankles: Yes, yes, very weird. Now hand over the hair!
[Pampers and SpongeCicle look at eachother, and then SpongeCicle passes the hair to Plankles.]
Plankles: Thank you for your patronage!
[Plankles jumps up to a compartment on the side of the machine and inserts the hair.]
Plankles: This machine lets you turn into a genetic clone of whoever's DNA you insert into it. Admittedly I haven't tried it out yet, but it should be able to get you back to normal.
SpongeCicle: Sweet! You hear that, Pampers?
Plankles: All you have to do is…
[Plankles steps into the machine and slams the door behind him.]
Plankles: …STEP IN!!!!!! (evil laugh)
Pickle Pampers: Plankles, what are you doing?!
Plankles: What does it look like, moron?! You fools just gave me the last piece I needed for my foolproof plan… PAMPERS' DNA! With this machine I can now transform into Pampers!
[Pause.]
SpongeCicle: ...no offense or anything Pampers, but why the fuck would you wanna do that?
Pickle Pampers: None taken, I'm with you on this one.
Plankles: Because… he's the president.
[Pause.]
Pickle Pampers and SpongeCicle: Ohhhhhh….. yeah that makes so much more sense now.
Plankles: See ya'll on the other side!
[Plankles presses a button on the inside and the machine starts firing up.]
Pickle Pampers: You know if I had a nickel for everytime a scientist on this island turned out to be evil I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
Plankles: YES! YESSSS!!!!! IT'S WORKING! IT'S WORKING! IT'S-
[A "ding" sound is heard. The machine door opens and Plankles steps out as… a pickle?]
Pickle Plankles: ...working?
[After a brief pause, Pickle Pampers and SpongeCicle burst into spontaneous laughter.]
Pickle Pampers: He turned himself into a pickle!
SpongeCicle: Oh, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen!
Pickle Plankles: I don't get it! That was supposed to turn me into Pampers!!!!!
SpongeCicle: Oh, you thought I actually gave you Pampers' DNA? Sorry sister but that was just a really thin pickle peeling!
Pickle Plankles: AAAAAGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS TRICKED BY A POPSICLE AND A PICKLE!
[SpongeCicle picks up Plankles and throws him across the room, out of the machine and places Pampers' actual hair into the machine.]
Plankles; I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!
SpongeCicle: Come on buddy, let's get you back to normal.
Pickle Pampers: Yeah, I… guess it's probably about time.
[SpongeCicle places Pampers inside the machine, presses the button and shuts the door.]
Pickle Pampers: You know… it was kinda fun being a pickle.
SpongeCicle: I'm… sure it was.
Pickle Pampers: We should probably also… you know, do something about Plankles.
SpongeCicle: (looks back at Plankles who is still a pickle) Nah, he's harmless like that.
Pickle Pampers: SpongeCicle?
SpongeCicle: Yes Pampers?
Pickle Pampers: When I get back to normal in a few seconds can we please skip the summit and just go get ice cream or something?
[Pause.]
SpongeCicle: ...sure, Pampers. Sure.
[The machine fires up and the screen turns to white. Cut to President Petah of Petoria and Unnamed Assistant sitting down alone at a table. Pause.]
President Petah: So… it's perfectly normal to abuse your teenage daughter on a daily basis, right?
[Credits.]
=== (P) Pampers in the House S1E3: Wish Pringle [June 24, 2021] {thatjess} ===
[Establishing shot of the Black House. Cut to a living area Pampers, SpongeCicle, Huggies and Crash Cheeks gathered around a TV ready to play some video games.]
Pampers: Yo! Are y'all ready for the most lit Gex night y'all have ever seen?!
Huggies: Please unalive yourself.
SpongeCicle: The only thing better than Gex night is Gex: Enter the Gecko night!
Crash: I thought you said we were playing Wii Chess.
SpongeCicle: We ran out of toilet paper and Pampers used the disc.
Huggies: I did not need to hear that.
Pampers: It's surprisingly effective actually.
Crash: So are we gonna get started or what?
SpongeCicle: Oh yeah, sure.
[Huggies turns on the Picon (a trademark of Polar Incorporated) console and everyone turns their controllers on.]
Crash: Ugh, me Picontroller, a trademark of Polar Incorporated, won't sync in!
SpongeCicle: It probably needs new batteries.
Huggies: What game controller still uses batteries in 2021?!
SpongeCicle: Sssshh! Corporate said we need to sell this thing!
Pampers: Sorry guys, we just ran out of batteries earlier.
Crash: Aw come on!
Huggies: Well there goes our Gex night.
SpongeCicle: Doesn't Unnamed Assistant hoard a load of them to himself in his room?
Pampers: Oh yeah! I'll just go check.
[Cut to Pampers approaching Unnamed Assistant's bedroom. There is a sign on the door reading "Pampers, please do not come in". Pampers pulls a black marker pen out from behind his back and scribbles out "do not".]
Pampers: Huh, well if he insists.
[Pampers kicks the door open, enters, and starts rummaging through the guy's cabinets. Unnamed Assistant is nowhere to be seen.]
Pampers: Ugh, where could he be hiding them? Underwear drawer, medicine drawer-
[He reaches another drawer and stares in shock.]
Pampers: Oh my...
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Pampers pulls an old antique lamp out from the drawer.]
Pampers: Ew! It's like an ugly lamp from when the dinosaurs were around! This guy has bad taste.
[He throws the lamp behind him and it hits the wall, smashing into pieces. A puff of orange smoke emerges from it as Pampers pulls out a pair of batteries from the drawer.]
Pampers: Here they are!
[The puff of smoke transforms into a large shadow-y figure that stretches and yawns.]
Pampers: Huh? Who's there?
[Pampers turns around and screams.]
Pampers: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S GOD!!!! LOOK MAN, IF YOU'RE HERE ABOUT THE INCIDENT I CAN EXPL-
Flying Pringle: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOU- oh for fuck's sake it's you again.
Pampers: The Flying Pringle?! Is that really you?!
Flying Pringle: You damn right it's me!
Pampers: What are you doing here?!
Flying Pringle: Well, there I was chilling watching Netflix or something when BOOM! You broke me lamp!
Pampers: Oh, that was your lamp? Man, I am so sor-
Flying Pringle: Ugh, it's fine, I'll just have to get a new one from the office.
Pampers: The office?
Flying Pringle: Yeah, the off- oh, you wouldn't know. Yeah, I probably should explain. I'm a genie now.
Pampers: Wow! A genie?!
Flying Pringle: Yeah, well I mean it's only a part-time thing but it puts bread on the table.
Pampers: Yo, congrats man!
Flying Pringle: Thank you, I actually just got a promotion recently too, it's craz- oh fuck.
Pampers: What?
Flying Pringle: I, uh-
Pampers: What is it?
Flying Pringle: You… let me out of the lamp.
Pampers: So?
Flying Pringle: So you're my current master.
Pampers: Meaning?
[Pause.]
Flying Pringle: Meaning… (sigh) you get three wishes.
[SpongeCicle, Huggies and Crash enter.]
Huggies: Hey, what's taking so long?!
Pampers: I found a genie!
Crash: The Flying Pringle?
Flying Pringle: Oh for fuck's sake the whole squad's here.
SpongeCicle: Pringle, you never told us you were a genie!
Flying Pringle: Well I only took the job recent-
Huggies: Do I get a wish?
Flying Pringle: Three wishes, actually.
Huggies: Cool!
Flying Pringle: Well, uh, Pampers gets them actually.
Huggies: Fuck you.
Pampers: Hey, you're just jealous there isn't a magic lamp in your personal assistant's bedroom!
Huggies: I don't even have a personal assistant!
Crash: If you don't mind me asking, how did the lamp end up here?
Flying Pringle: Well, it's a long story. I ended up at a yard sale and-
Pampers: Can I have my first wish now?
Flying Pringle: Oh, uh, yeah sure we should probably get this over with. Just let me lay down the terms and conditions first, my boss will kill me if I don't mention these. Number one - no wishing for more wishes. Number two - I can't make people fall in love.
Huggies: Aw.
Flying Pringle: Number thre-
Pampers: I wish for a cheeseburger!
Flying Pringle: But I haven't finis-
Pampers: I SAID I WISH FOR A CHEESEBURGER!!!!
[The Flying Pringle sends a puff of smoke from his finger over to Pampers, and a cheeseburger materialises in Pampers' hands.]
Pampers: Sweet!
[He starts eating.]
Pampers: Mmm, this is good. Except I like my cheeseburgers without the cheese, but you are a good chef Mr. Pringle. Just bear that one thing in mind for next time.
Flying Pringle: Next time?!
[Pampers swallows the rest of the cheeseburger whole and burps.]
Pampers: Oh, that really filled a hole. Thanks buddy!
Huggies: Pampers, you could have wished for anything in the whole world... and you wished for a cheeseburger?!
Pampers: Well I'm president, what more could I want?! The food at the Krusty Krack is terrible, and I don't even have time to eat there anymore!
Crash: Well, you've just wasted your first wish.
Pampers: Wasted?! That was the most amazing cheeseburger I've ever had! You guys should try one sometime.
Crash: Yeah, but like… don't you have servants and stuff to cook shit for you?
Flying Pringle: Hey, I'm not complaining! The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can finish my shift. Now… let's get onto the second wish now, shall we?
Pampers: Well… that cheeseburger sure did make me thirsty.
Flying Pringle: Of course! A drink! Just say the magic words and I can get you a nice, refreshing glass of lemonade!
Pampers: ...meh.
[Pampers walks off as everyone stares in confusion. The Flying Pringle follows him down the hallway.]
Flying Pringle: "Meh"? What do you mean "meh"? You not like lemonade? I could get you a milkshake or something!
Pampers: Maybe later… I'm just gonna go get a Lucozade from the kitchen or something.
Flying Pringle: You know… you could just wish for a Lucozade and have it right now?
[The two enter the kitchen.]
Pampers: I mean, yeah but the guys are right. I kinda already wasted my first wish, I need to save my second one for something special, you know.
Flying Pringle: (muttering to himself) Oh boy, and I thought this was gonna be easy.
Pampers: I can hear you.
Flying Pringle: Heh, I mean… just be sure to give me the word when you want to make your second wish!
Pampers: Yeah whatever.
[Cut to Pampers, SpongeCicle, Huggies and Crash playing Gex in the living area.]
Huggies: This Gex night rules!
[The Flying Pringle enters.]
Flying Pringle: So… you uh… ready to make your second wish yet?
Pampers: Not now.
[Cut to Pampers walking up to his bed. He pulls the cover back to find The Flying Pringle lying there.]
Flying Pringle: Now?
Pampers: Meh.
[Cut to Pampers being poured some Cheerios by Unnamed Assistant. The Flying Pringle falls out of the box.]
Flying Pringle: Now?
[Pampers shrugs. Cut to Pampers showering. The Flying Pringle comes out of the shower head.]
Flying Pringle: Now?
Pampers: I'm a little busy…
[Cut to Pampers watching some TV in the living area. The Flying Pringle enters.]
Flying Pringle: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It's been a week and you still haven't made your other two wishes! I can't stand being around you much longer! I want to go home!
Pampers: For the last time, I will make my second wish when I'm ready.
Flying Pringle: And when exactly will you be ready?
Pampers: I dunno, I mean… I've got it pretty good.
Flying Pringle: Right…
[Pause.]
Flying Pringle: Wait, pretty good you say?
Pampers: Um… yeah that's what I said.
Flying Pringle: As in not completely good? As in could be better? As in there's more you want in life?
Pampers: Well… sure.
Flying Pringle: Aha! So then there must be something else you wanna wish for! What will it be? All the riches in the world?
Pampers: I'm good.
Flying Pringle: All the fame in the world?
Pampers: I'm president.
Flying Pringle: Well then, okay… how about you wish for all your political opposition to be on your side?
Pampers: Meh, life's no fun without the increasingly high risk of being impeached.
Flying Pringle: Alright then, what about-
TV Advert: All new MiracleSprout! The number one rated plant food of this year! Makes your plants grow twice as tall!
Pampers: Ooh! Ooh! I want that!
Flying Pringle: Really? I didn't know you gardened.
Pampers: I don't, just do it! Genie, I wish for that thing on the TV!
Flying Pringle: Well… if you say so.
[The Flying Pringle shoots more smoke from his finger and the MiracleSprout materialises in Pampers' hand. He immediately starts spraying it at his forehead.]
Pampers: Aw, nothing's happening!
Flying Pringle: Um… what are you doing?
Pampers: I thought this would make my forehead bigger!
[He throws the thing on the floor.]
Pampers: This thing's stupid! I want a refund!
Flying Pringle: You got it for free.
Pampers: Well then… I want a refund on that last wish!
Flying Pringle: Sorry dude, like I said a week ago you can't wish for more wishes.
Pampers: Aw… wait, can I wish that I can wish for more wishes?
[The Flying Pringle thinks.]
Flying Pringle: No.
Pampers: Well fuck you! And fuck your stupid lamp! And fuck your stupid face! And fuck your-
[Unnamed Assistant enters.]
Unnamed Assistant: Lamp? Did someone say something about a lamp?
[Pause.]
Pampers: No.
Flying Pringle: Yes.
Unnamed Assistant: Pampers-
Pampers: That's President Pampers.
Unnamed Assistant: Ugh, President Pampers… was it you that broke my lamp?
Pampers: Well… I wouldn't say I broke it, I would just say that I… unfixed it.
Unnamed Assistant: Pampers… are you serious?
Pampers: Maybe.
Unnamed Assistant: That lamp was a priceless antique! One of a kind! There's nothing else like that in the world!
Pampers: Pfffft, so what?
Unnamed Assistant: So what? So what? That was supposed to be a present for my cousin's birthday!
Pampers: You have a cousin?
Unnamed Assistant: Yeah, Unnamed Pensioner. They loved things like that… and now I need to rush and buy them a new present all because of your… because of your… because of your… ugh, nevermind. I'm going for a lie down.
[Unnamed Assistant walks off.]
Flying Pringle: Well he seems happy. My boss probably should have been more careful when choosing my lamp, right? (fake laugh)
[SpongeCicle enters.]
SpongeCicle: What was that about?
Flying Pringle: Pampers' old-ass assistant bought my lamp as a birthday present for someone, and now it's broken.
SpongeCicle: Oof. Can't he just get something else?
Pampers: He said it was a one in a kind antique or some shit.
SpongeCicle: Double oof.
[Pause.]
Pampers: He didn't yell or anything but he looked pretty pissed.
SpongeCicle: Yeah.
[Pause.]
Flying Pringle: Oh well, what's done is done. Now, what's your last wish?
SpongeCicle: Hang on, that's it! Pampers! You could wish that the lamp never broke and then Unnamed Assistant will be happy again!
Flying Pringle; What? No, that's a terrible idea! I've been stuck here all week and I want to finish my shift. If you wish for that I'll have to wait until someone releases me again.
Pampers: What he said… and also I would have had that amazing cheeseburger.
SpongeCicle: Okay… then why don't you wish for a new lamp just like the other one?
Pampers: Well I could… but then what's in it for me?
SpongeCicle: The feeling of doing something good for someone else, Pampers, the feeling of doing something good for someone else.
[Pause.]
Pampers: Yeah fuck that, I wish for a segway.
SpongeCicle: wait wut
=== (P) Pampers in the House S1E4: Pampers Golf: Super Rush [June 25, 2021] {thatjess} ===
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Establishing shot of the Mushroom Kingdom. Cut to a group of Toads, Koopa Troopas and other miscellaneous Mario characters and enemies lining up towards a tent. There is a sign reading "New Mario Golf - Now Hiring!". Cut to the inside where Mario is sitting at a table interviewing people.]
Mario: Name?
Birdo: I- I- I'm Birdo.
Mario: Oh, hello a-Birdo! And why should a-you be in the new Super Mario golf a-game?
Birdo: Well I uh… I think people would really like playing as me, and it would be good female representation and-
Mario: Mmm… okay, Birdo, we'll a-think about it. Maybe you could be added in an update after launch.
Birdo: An update after launch?
Mario: Yeah, you see our plan is to release the game sometime in the summer unfinished so we can take everyone's money now, and then later on we're gonna release what we'll market as "free updates" where we actually finish the game!
Birdo: Oh cool! I bet everyone on Twitter is gonna love that!
Mario: I know-a right?! See you around, Birdo!
Birdo: See you!
[Birdo leaves the tent.]
Mario: Next!
[Pampers enters.]
Mario: Name?
Pampers: Pampers Lastname.
Mario: Oh Pampers Lastname, alri- wait, you're not from the Mushroom Kingdom!
Pampers: Uh, no I'm not. I'm from the uh… "Original Kingdom".
[Pause.]
Pampers: It was a secret unlockable level in Mario Odyssey.
[Pause.]
Pampers: You had to use a code.
Mario: Mmm, I don't remember a secret level in that game.
Pampers: Well I guess you clearly haven't played it enough.
Mario: You know "Pampers", it's-a really nice for you to-a drop in, but I really don't see why we should put you in the game if even I, Super Mario, don't know who you are.
Pampers: Well uh… that's the thing, isn't it? I'm a really obscure Mario character so uh… uh… it would be good fanservice for the people with hyperfixations or whatever.
[Unnamed Assistant and SpongeCicle enter.]
Unnamed Assistant: Found him!
SpongeCicle: Ah, Pampers! We've been looking everywhere, I was so worried.
Unnamed Assistant: I wasn't.
Pampers: Oh, uh, hey guys.
SpongeCicle: Come on Pampers, we have to g- wait, holy shit! Is that Super Mario?
Mario: It's a-me, alright!
SpongeCicle: Wow! Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I wasn't prepared to meet anyone famous today!
Pampers: I'm literally the president, SpongeCicle.
Mario: President?
SpongeCicle: Look Mario, I'm a huge fan of you. It would be an honour if you could sign my popsicle stick!
Unnamed Assistant: Ugh, not you too! We don't have time for messing around, SpongeCicle! We have to go and-
Mario: Wait wait wait, hold on! You're not a Mario character!
Pampers: I'm not?
Mario: No! You're Pampers from the acclaimed series Pampers in the House!
Pampers: That's what it says in the theme song anyway.
Unnamed Assistant: Acclaimed by who?
Mario: Ugh, you're all a-wasting my time! Next!
Pampers: No, no, Mario, please give me a chance! I really want to be in your game!
Unnamed Assistant: Why?
Pampers: Well, have you ever been in a Mario game?
Unnamed Assistant: I don't think so.
Pampers: Well then you wouldn't know what it's like! Look Mario, I know I'm not a Mario character but you've had crossover characters before! Please put me in the game! Please! Please! Please!
Mario: ...ugh, alright. I'll put you in the game-
Pampers: Alright!
Mario: -if you can beat me at a game of golf.
Pampers: What?!
Mario: You heard me.
SpongeCicle: He said he'll put you in the game if you can beat him at golf.
[Pause.]
Pampers: (gulp) Alright. I accept.
Mario: Then it's settled. See you at [insert time here].
[The three exit. Luigi enters.]
Luigi: Wow, Mario, that's a big opportunity! Are you really going to put some SpongeBob O-C in the game?
Mario: Nah, he'll never beat me! I'm a-Mario! There's nothing I can't do!
Luigi: Except be a doctor.
Mario: What do you mean? I'm a brilliant doctor!
Luigi: Yeah but one day they're all gonna find out you don't have a real medical license.
Mario: Eh, they haven't minded me borrowing yours yet, it's not like you've ever used it.
Luigi: Yeah I have.
Mario: When?
Luigi: Back in 2013, on Wii U.
Mario: What's a Wii U?
Luigi: I have no idea.
[Cut to Pampers, SpongeCicle and Unnamed Assistant walking away from the tent.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers, this is amazing! You're gonna play golf with the world famous Super Mario!
Pampers: Yeah, we all know, that's what the last scene was establishing.
SpongeCicle: Wait, do you even know how to play golf?
Pampers: No, but it can't be that hard, right?!
SpongeCicle: That's the spirit!
???: Tally-ho, boys!
[Pan over to Mr. Crack facing the group, wearing a golf outfit. He walks towards them.]
Pampers: Mr. Crack?
SpongeCicle: What are you doing here?
Mr. Crack: Same reason you all are!
Unnamed Assistant: You're here because your plane crashed on the way back from an international relations meeting with Petoria and so you're now stuck here until the plane gets fixed?
Mr. Crack: Um… no. I'm here for the big golf tournament of course!
SpongeCicle: What golf tournament?
Unnamed Assistant: All they're doing here is casting characters for some children's sports game.
Mr. Crack: Fuck.
Pampers: Wait, you know how to play golf?
Mr. Crack: Of course I do, I've been playing for years! It's one of my favorite hobbies, besides being an addict of course.
Pampers: Cool! You can teach me how to play then!
Mr. Crack: (laughs) Oh, Pampers. Golf isn't some dumb sport any old Tom, Dick or Harry can learn to play one afternoon. It takes years and years of practice to be good at it!
SpongeCicle: He's playing a game with Mario later.
Pampers: And if I win, I get to be in the new golf game!
Mr. Crack: Mario? You mean… Mario from the Hornio Brothers?
Pampers: ...sure.
Mr. Crack: Then you better learn how to play, and fast!
[Cut to Pampers and Mr. Crack on a golf course.]
Mr. Crack: So… have you ever played golf before?
Pampers: I'm being investigated for storming the Capitol.
Mr. Crack: Well that's a start.
[Mr. Crack places a golf ball on the ground.]
Mr. Crack: You know what a ball is, right?
Pampers: Yeah. It's a bit small though, don't you think?
Mr. Crack: What do you mean?
Pampers: Well how am I supposed to score a goal with that?
Mr. Crack: Oh God, you really know nothing about golf, do you?
Pampers: Not a clue.
[Cut to SpongeCicle and Unnamed Assistant sitting down eating a packed lunch.]
Unnamed Assistant: Are you sure you don't want me to go and get you an ice cream or something?
SpongeCicle: Believe me, no.
[Mr. Crack approaches them.]
Unnamed Assistant: How's it going?
Mr. Crack: He's worse than I thought.
[Pan over to Pampers dancing with the golf club like it's a cane.]
Pampers: 🎵Lucky there's a Family Guy-🎵
[Cut to the round of golf against Mario. Various citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom have shown up to watch. Cut to Toad sitting at a desk talking into a microphone.]
Toad: TOADS AND TOADETTES, WELCOME TO THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED GOLF MATCH OF SUPER MARIO VS SOME GUY FROM A SPONGEBOB FANFICTION SITE!!!!!!
[Everyone applauds.]
Unnamed Assistant: Great. Now I'm deaf.
Toad: THAT'S RIGHT! WE ARE HERE IN THE MOMENT JUST WAITING FOR THEM TO TEE OFF!!!!
[Mario approaches the court in his golf uniform and his club.]
Mario: Hmm, you're a-going down big guy.
[Pampers turns to SpongeCicle and Mr. Crack.]
Pampers: (gulp) Guys I'm scared.
Mr. Crack: You should be, you're going up against Mario Mario with no preparation whatsoever.
SpongeCicle: Oh come on, Pampers! It can't be that bad, it's not like you have anything to lose.
Pampers: Well… okay.
Toad: OKAY! BEFORE WE BEGIN, LET'S GO OVER THE RULES. SO BOTH PLAYERS WILL BE TEEING OFF AT THE SAME TIM-
Waluigi: Boo! Get to the sex!
[Mario swings his club and his ball flies across the court.]
Toad: WELP, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE OFF!!
Mario: Aw yeah!
[Mario starts running across the court to the ball.]
Mr. Crack: Hey! That's not fair! He's running off without Pampers!
Mario: (yelling back to Mr. Crack) This isn't a-normal golf, you loser! This is a-Super Mario golf! Wahoo!
Pampers: So uh… heh, what are you supposed to do in golf again?
Mr. Crack: Grrr… just catch up to him and kick his ass!
Pampers: Okay! Okay!
[Pampers starts running along after Mario, pushing the golf ball along with his club. Toad turns to another Toad behind him.]
Toad: Is that allowed?!!!
[The other Toad shrugs. Cut to Pampers still running along the court pushing the ball along. He somehow manages to catch up to Mario, who is examining how to do his next shot.]
Pampers: Hey, Mr. M! I'm here!
Mario: Ugh, you'll never defeat me you fool!
[Mario whacks the golf ball across the court again and it lands near the hole.]
Toad: NICE SHOT FROM MARIO!!!
Pampers: Wow.
Mario: Beat that!
[Mario sprints off after the ball. Pampers goes to hit the ball like Mario, but decides to go back to pushing the ball along again.]
Pampers: Aw fuck it.
Toad: AND…. not a nice shot from Pampers.
[Mario is still running after his ball.]
Mario: Imma gonna do it! Imma gonna get a Birdie!
Mr. Crack: Ewghh, this is hard to watch.
SpongeCicle: PAMPERS!!!
Pampers: Huh?
SpongeCicle: USE YOUR SPECIAL DASH!!!!
Pampers: My special rash?!
SpongeCicle: NO! YOUR SPECIAL DASH!!!
Pampers: What the fuck is a "special dash"?!
SpongeCicle: I DON'T KNOW! JUST DO IT!
Pampers: Well I ain't got any other ideas.
[Pampers starts straining himself. Mario stops running and looks back at him.]
Mario: What the…
Toad: WELL FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE PAMPERS IS-
Unnamed Assistant: Taking a dump on the court?
Mr. Crack: (facepalms) What the fuck is he doing?! He has no chance!
[Suddenly Pampers starts glowing blue, well blue-r than he already is, and sprints across the court, still dragging the ball along with him.]
Toad: WOW!! LOOKS LIKE PAMPERS IS USING HIS SPECIAL DASH!!
Mr. Crack: See? I told you he would do well, I taught him myself.
[Pampers, still sprinting across the court, knocks over Mario and arrives near the hole.]
Pampers: Come on Pampers, you can do this. All you need to do is hit this stupid little ball into that hole… or at least I assume that's how it works. (he takes a deep breath) Okay, here goes…
[Pampers takes a step back and swings the golf ball right into the… distance, far away from the hole. The ball hits a Paratroopa and they fall to the floor. Everyone stares in silence.]
SpongeCicle: Well that was anti-climatic.
[Mario runs over and hits his ball into the hole.]
Toad: ...AAAAAAAAND LOOKS LIKE THAT'S A BIRDIE FOR MARIO! MARIO WINS!!!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mario: Aw yeah! Mario time!
Pampers: Wait, that's it? You win?
Mario: Hey, don't sweat it, I have been playing this sport for years.
Pampers: Yeah but you win just like that? After only one round? That's it?
[Mario starts changing from his golf uniform into his plumbing outfit while talking.]
Mario: Well what did you expect? I don't have an awful lot of free time lately. I gotta go fix someone's toilet in about five minutes, then I need to go and save the princess, and then the guys will probably need me down at the construction site- I'm a busy man.
Pampers: Ugh, well this sucks.
Mario: Yeah, better luck next time. Good game though, see ya!
[Mario walks off. SpongeCicle, Unnamed Assistant and Mr. Crack approach Pampers.]
Mr. Crack: So uh… what now?
Pampers: I'm probably just gonna go sit down somewhere and cry until the plane is fixed.
Mr. Crack: Oh right! I forgot you were only here because your plane crashed. It wouldn't happen to be a blue one with Pampers' face painted on it, would it?
Unnamed Assistant: Um… yeah, why?
Mr. Crack: Oh, I overheard down at the clubhouse that the guys fixed it hours ago.
Unnamed Assistant: 'You what?!
Mr. Crack: Yeah, heh, funny isn't it? I guess we all just wasted our time here. Ha, hahahahahahahaa.
[Pause.]
Mr. Crack: Y'all don't look happy.
[Credits.]
=== (P) Pampers in the House S1E5: Pampers Says Trans Rights [June 26, 2021] {thatjess} ===
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
Pampers: trans rights
[Credits.]
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E3: The City of Men [June 30, 2021] {Zoltan40} ===
[The episode starts with SpongeBin watching a movie with Joe]
SpongeBin: Oh yes. This movie is great! I’m glad that the cast is all male!
Joe: SpongeBin, you should really go out. There are women outside.
SpongeBin: WHAT?!
[SpongeBin runs outside]
SpongeBin: YOU DIRTY WOMEN THIS IS MY PROPERTY!
Woman 1: We are at the other side of the street.
Woman 2: Yeah and we were just talking.
SpongeBin: STOP LYING YOU BITCHES!
[Patracist gets out of his rock]
Patracist: Yeah go away you stupid fishes!
Homophobeward (from his house): GET OUT OF HERE YOU LESBIANS!
Woman 2: I have a boyfriend.
SpongeBin: I SAID NO LYING!
Woman 1: Fine, let’s go, Betty.
Woman 2: Okay.
[They walk away]
SpongeBin: Finally.
Patracist: Aight, I will be going to the KKK now.
SpongeBin: Okay pal.
[SpongeBin walks back to his house]
Joe (sniffing a baby doll): Oh, SpongeBin! I thought you were gonna be out for longer.
SpongeBin: They gave up early. Wait… THAT’S A GIRL BABY DOLL!
Joe: Ihatewomen, don’t kill me please.
SpongeBin: Fine. But if I see you sniffing a girl again…
Joe: Okay Laden, I won’t-
SpongeBin: H-HOW DID YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME?!
Joe: I live with you.
SpongeBin: Oh yeah. Well whatever. I’ll go back to watching the movie.
Joe: Meow.
[SpongeBin sits on the couch and starts watching TV]
SpongeBin: Woah! They are stuffing the monsters into the spaceship!
[rocket sounds from the TV are heard]
SpongeBin: Wow. They are sending those monsters into space. Hm… What if I send monsters to space too… HAHAHAHA!
[cut to SpongeBin at NASA]
SpongeBin: Oh boy I can’t wait to launch all those-
[a lady opens the door]
SpongeBin: WHAT THE?! A WOMAN! AAAH!!!
[SpongeBin runs away]
Lady: I just-
SpongeBin: What a monster.
[cut back to SpongeBin in his crabapple house]
SpongeBin: Hey Joe do you have any spare spaceships?
Joe: Yes actually.
SpongeBin: Oh could you give me one.
Joe: Well yes, but you have to… pay.
SpongeBin: Oh, I stole so much money from women. I can buy anything!
Joe: The cheapest one is 40 million.
SpongeBin: Deal.
[cut to SpongeBin spying on women]
SpongeBin: Oh those monsters!
[SpongeBin walks closer to them]
SpongeBin: Well, hello ladies!
Woman 2: Oh no, not again.
Woman 1: Could you stop?
SpongeBin: Actually, I just want to give you ice cream.
Woman 2: Is it poisoned?
SpongeBin: No. Why would you even think that?
Woman 1: Because you hate us.
SpongeBin: Oh, well, I am so…
Woman 2: So what?
SpongeBin: So arr-I...
Woman 1: Sorry?
SpongeBin: Yes, that word. NOW EAT THE ICE CREAM!
Woman 2: Alright, alright!
[they eat the ice cream]
Woman 1: Wow that was very… uh...
SpongeBin: Microchip-y?
Woman 1: Yeah…
SpongeBin: Oh okay then the chip is in it.
Woman 1: wait wut
Woman 2: I hate you.
SpongeBin: The feeling is mutual.
French Narrator: Several thousand women later…
SpongeBin: It  took 2 weeks, but it’s done! All women have been microchipped!
[SpongeBin presses a button on a remote]
SpongeBin: And now, the suckers will be sucked… into the spaceship! THAT’S RIGHT!
[he rushes to the window]
SpongeBin: YOU ALL ARE GOING TO SPACE!
[the women get sucked into the ship. He presses another button and the spaceship goes into space]
SpongeBin: I did it… I ACTUALLY DID IT! NO MORE WOMEN! HAHAHAHA! YAY!
[SpongeBin runs outside]
SpongeBin: ONLY MEN! YAY! HOORAY! I will post this on Twitter dot com!
[SpongeBin grabs his phone and starts typing]
SpongeBin: And… send! Alright! Now the whole WORLD knows it!
[phone notification]
SpongeBin: What? A comment? Hmm... [starts reading the comment] Weeeeeeeellllllll…. what about TRANS men?!!!!!!! They are CLEARLY just WOMEN!!!!!! Why didn’t you send them to SPACE?!!!!! They are not MEN they are just stupid ret- [stops reading] Okay that’s enough. Buh-bye, Mr. Bubble Bass.
[SpongeBin puts his phone away and starts walking]
SpongeBin: My life now is perfect! There is no one to annoy me!
[Homophobeward is running towards him]
Homophobeward: SPONGEBIN!!!
SpongeBin: What?
Homophobeward: NOW THAT WOMEN ARE GONE PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE GAY!!!
SpongeBin: ok
Homophobeward: IT’S NOT OKAY!!!
SpongeBin: why
Homophobeward: IT’S AGAINST MOTHER NATURE!!!
SpongeBin: I-
Homophobeward: I will kill you if you don’t get the women back.
SpongeBin: FINE! But I still don’t get why you hate the gays.
[cut to SpongeBin in his house with Joe]
SpongeBin: Uh Joe... Can I get a rocket?
Joe: Yes, just give me ice cream.
SpongeBin: Alright. [gives him an ice cream]
Joe: Yum.
[Cut to SpongeBin in space on a rocket trying to get into the spaceship]
SpongeBin: Females!!! Let me on the ship!!!
[a woman opens a door]
Woman: No!
SpongeBin: Why not?!
Woman: You are gonna kill us, or something!
SpongeBin: No! I promise!
Woman: Fine. Come in.
[SpongeBin drives the rocket inside]
Woman: So, what do you want?
SpongeBin: I wanna let you home.
Woman: Okay… But if you drive us into the sun…
[SpongeBin starts controlling the ship]
SpongeBin: Let’s-a-go!
[cut to Bikini Bottom, where the spaceship can be seen in the sky]
Fish: Look! There’s a spaceship!
[the ship hits the ground and SpongeBin comes out of it]
SpongeBin: Well, hello there!
Homophobeward: Where are the women, you [slur]?!
SpongeBin: Bitches!
[the women walk out]
Fish & Homophobeward: YAY!
[Patracist walks in]
Patracist: Oh hey. What did I miss?
(end)
=== (Z) Full Server S1E2: Christian Conversion Camp for Muppets [July 4, 2021] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, thatjess, Zoltan40 and PrimitiveSponge129} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look. Everywhere you look.
[Establishing shot of the SBFW residence. Applause and cheers. Face into the kitchen where Purple is making a jelly sandwich while SpongeBot is seen pirating Channel 5 shows.]
Purple: Bot, are you breaking the law again?
SpongeBot: Indeed I am. I support piracy.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: Remember to do it responsibly. You know how Zoltan reacts when he sees criminals.
[Zoltan walks in]
Zoltan: I SMELL CRIMINAL ACTIVITY!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: How the fu-?
Zoltan: It's my criminal senses. Remember, I had to get a few charges expunged. Me and my buddy Renaud used to go around all the time and-
SpongeBot: Do pedophile stuff?
Zoltan: No. We'd huff paint.
SpongeBot: Oh, that's slightly less unsafe.
[Laugh track. Prim walks in with Elmo 3. Applause and cheers.]
Prim: Hey, Bot. We don't want this kid to end up like Elmo 2. What do we do with him?
SpongeBot: Uhh… just give him to Golf's stepbrother or something. That'll teach him some uh… moral values. (laugh track) I don't think Elmo 3 worships Satan, though I haven't seen much God in him. Maybe we should force the bible on him.
[Ned Flanders enters. More applause, more cheers.]
Ned: Howdy diddly, neighborinos.
Purple: Ned Flanders is Golfpecks' step brother?! That explains a lot I suppose.
Ned: Indeed it does. I heard you wanted help to make this little fella learn the ways of the Lord and thought I might pop in for a good ol' neighbory conversion therapy.
Purple: Sweet!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Well as long as it isn't Satan… sure, do your thing Ned.
Ned: How are you, little neighborino?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 doesn't care for silly religion.
Ned: S-silly?! R-religion?! Everyone knows the only right way is the way of the Lord.
[Laugh track because religion is funny.]
Zoltan: Wait, I thought we were doing an episode related to the birth of Elmo 3.
[Pluto enters.]
Pluto: I write this show, I can make any plot twists whatsoever.
Bot: And also his birth was boring as hell. I smoked my bong so many times I can't even count my toes anymore.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: You smoked a bong more times and there are toes on your foot, or did you really become illiterate?
Ned: Let's get back on track, shall we?
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Young… Elmo thing, you're going to that Christian conversion camp and that's final. We don't want you to end up like Elmo 2.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 believes it will be a waste of time. Science is the truth of the world, not silly made-up beings that supposedly create miracles that seem more coincidence than anything.
[Laugh track because religion is very funny.]
Ned: Oh egads, he's worse than I thought! Off we go, young neighborino.
[Ned and Elmo 3 go out the door and everyone is in silence.]
Pluto: So, is this a good time to say I have a wife now?
Prim: You and Panini finally tied the knot? Congrats!
[Laugh track because dragging old in-jokes into the ground is tight.]
Pluto: No, she's… (sigh) not Panini, or any animal to be exact.
SpongeBot: So, what the hell's her name anyhow?
Pluto: Hold on, it's a custom font thingy. I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't know. I think she won't approve.
Prim: Oh come on, Jess takes up like half the letters in LGBTQ-and the rest of them. How unaccepting could she be?
Pluto: Are you married to a person with a funny font name?
Prim: Uh… I don't think so.
Pluto: Then don't act like you know what you're talking about.
[Laugh track.]
Bot: So when are we going to meet the unlucky lady, or fella, then?
Pluto: I just told you, I don't know because I don't know how mom's gonna-
[Jess enters. Laugh track.]
Jess: Hey all, Jess here.
SpongeBot: Hey Jess, all here.
Jess: Ugh, that new Owl House episode I very legally watched was good.
[Zoltan suddenly re-enters.]
Zoltan: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CRIMINAL ACTIVITY?!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What's happening here?
Pluto: Uh… nothing.
Jess: You say that everytime I walk in on you all having a conversation without me.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Because it is nothing. We just saw Elmo 3 go to Christian Conversion therapy.
Jess: Elmo 3? What happened to Elmo 2?
Prim: Did you even read the last episode?
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: I think the fourth wall is broken.
Jess: It's a sitcom, (stares at the audience) there literally isn't a fourth wall to begin with.
Pluto: Don't you have to do something that people do in the Owl House that will translate into this world for some weird fucking reason?
Jess: Oh yeah! I forgot that was my only character trait in this show! See y'all later!
[Jess hurries off, laugh track. We see some pointless stock footage of scenery as we transition into Elmo 3 arriving at the conversion therapy place. Applause and cheers.]
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 still believes this conversion camp is more pointless than a circle.
Ned: Oh, don't worry little fella! God will soon show you the light and you'll be bright as day!
[Ned opens the door, revealing the one and only CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: GOD IS HERE, YOUNG HOOPLA!
[Laugh track.]
Ned: Hello, holy spirit-rino. We have a youngin here that doesn't believe in the Lord.
Elmo 3: Because this is obviously a drunk, green guy who wandered in this camp to harass kids.
CrazySponge: YOU'RE PARTIALLY GODDAMN RIGHT.
Ned: Do you know if we could sit down with one of your happy counsellor fellas? My step-brother might be here and I know he'd be more than happy to show lil Elmo here the way.
CrazySponge: counsellor? step-brother? puh-lease, if you want a god to believe in then look no further!
Elmo 3: [rolls eyes] "Puh-lease", God is merely a made-up creature created by humans who wanted an answer to why they exist. Elmo 3 knows, because all of this hocus-pocus is highly unbelievable.
CrazySponge: oh shit, this guy actually knows how to think for himself. let's change that.
Ned: W-what are you gonna do to him, God?
CrazySponge: i'm going to make him stop thinking for himself. duh.
Elmo 3: We'll see about that…
CrazySponge: okay. first lesson in closed-mindedness: believe in the lord and savior jesus christ.
Elmo 3: No.
CrazySponge: aw, come on, please?
Elmo 3: No.
CrazySponge: will you at least believe in your god, crazysp- i mean, allah hoopla?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 thinks that sounds like terrorism therefore Elmo 3 will believe.
[Laugh track because terrorism is funny.]
CrazySponge: GREAT!
[More laugh tracks because terrorism so fucking hilarious hahahahahaha.]
CrazySponge: ...wait, terrorism?
[TERRORISM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]
Elmo 3: The next-best thing to Satan.
[WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING HAHAHA]
CrazySponge: i can't tell if you're wrong or right, so let's just go with that.
[Laugh track.]
Ned: We angered the Lord!
CrazySponge: okay how do we calm him down?
Ned: I thought you would know!
CrazySponge: no I'm just here to influence people in what i believe in.
Elmo 3: Isn't that every religion?
Ned: Shut your diddly darn mouth, Satanist.
[Laugh track because religion.]
Elmo 3: Woah, you better fucking watch your motherfucking language you bitch!
Ned: (gasp) Elmo 3! How ''dare'' you talk to your parents' friend's step-brother like that! When we get home I'm sure there will be no bible stories for you tonight!
Elmo 3: Is that supposed to be a punishment?
Ned: Just do something, CrazySponge, do something please!
CrazySponge: okay, okay! think, aidan, think, how did you get everyone to like you before they all cancelled you?! oh, right. John.! that’s it!
Ned: Who the diddly darn heck is John.?
CrazySponge: my giant pink pe…. t giraffe.
[Laugh track because innuendo.]
Ned: Isn’t that illegal in 25 different countries?
CrazySponge: hell yeah brother
[Laugh track because criminal activity makes me go haha.]
Ned: Oh, Lord. Oh, dear. I’ve been in a criminal organization the whole time. I’m going back home to pray to God.
CrazySponge: why pray to god? you’re looking at him right now.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 sees no God. Only an annoying capitalist green fish.
CrazySponge: hey i am ''not'' annoying!
Ned: Ow, my ears- I mean, yeah he ain’t annoying. Only irritating.
[Laugh track. Shot of the SBFW residence again. Cut to SpongeBot and Prim sitting on the couch watching Friends.]
TV: 🎵''So no one told you life was gonna be this way-''🎵
[Zoltan bursts through the door with a gun and shoots the TV four times, aligned with the claps of the song. Laugh track because guns are tight. Also we're stealing jokes from Family Guy now.]
SpongeBot: Hey, what was that for?
Zoltan: NO FRIENDS!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: At least we're watching stuff legally this time.
Zoltan: ZOLTAN DON'T CARE! FRIENDS ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Except Chandler… he isn't the enemy of the people.
Prim: You’re sounding a lot like Golfpecks.
Zoltan: GOLFPECKS IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
SpongeBot: I'd comment on that but honestly yeah he's kind of a prick.
Prim: Well, the TV's broken. What are we supposed to do now?
Zoltan: I sold enough families to own about 7 dollars.
Prim: Can we get anything with that?
SpongeBot: We can probably get a good amount of V-Bucks on Fortnite with that amount of money.
Prim: Forget the V-Bucks, SpongeBot. This is REAL shit.
SpongeBot: Don’t tell me you have a scat fetish too.
[Laugh track because shit’s funny.]
SpongeBot: People laugh at anything these days.
[Laugh track because it's true.]
Prim: So true!
SpongeBot: By the way, what happened to Pluto?
Prim: Oh, yeah, I forgot about him. Didn't he say he was going to sneak his wife in or something without his mom knowing?
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: ...no?
Prim: Oh. Well he must have done it during that conversion therapy shit.
Pluto: Wait, I did? Oh fuck. I gotta go.
[Pluto runs off. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Was he there the entire time?
SpongeBot: He was hiding in the closet the whole time.
Zoltan: I have more questions now.
[Laugh track because closet joke.]
SpongeBot: So, does anyone wanna watch Channel 5 on my comically small phone?
Prim: Sure, I’ll watch Channel 5 on your comically small phone.
[SpongeBot pulls her phone out, opens the My5 app and puts on an episode of Friends as the two crowd around it.]
Phone: 🎵''So no one told you life was gonna be this way-''🎵
[Pluto and his wife enter the room, bashing the door against the wall four times in rhythm to the claps of the theme song. Laugh track because doing the exact same joke twice definitely makes it funnier.]
Pluto: I'm back!
SpongeBot: Pope White Duck moment.
Prim: That was quick.
SpongeBot: So, who’s your wife?
Pluto: Fellow spouse, why don’t you introduce yourself?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Hi I’m Aly. Goodbye.
Pluto: But we just got here!
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: I have other things to do besides mess around with these SBFW users.
Pluto: You realize I’m one too right?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: …
Prim: And that’s how a divorce was filed.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: I love the smell of divorce papers.
Prim: Wait, have you ever been married before?
SpongeBot: No, I just like to sniff things way too often. That’s why I have a drug problem.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Alright, then where do you wanna go?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Away.
Pluto: Haha, very funny. No seriously, where do you wanna go?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Uh I dunno, how about we just get away from here?
Pluto: Uh, okay then. Let’s go to the CEX store then.
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: That sounds very degenerate.
Pluto: Indeed it is, Aly, indeed it is.
[Laugh track because CEX.]
SpongeBot: Ooh, I like that place. Can I come with you guys?
[𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3 drags Pluto along with her, and they exit the room.]
SpongeBot: Did I get too horny again?
Prim: There wasn’t any bum sex involved, so I dunno.
[Laugh track because SpongeBot loves bum sex.]
SpongeBot: Speaking of sex, I wonder how our child is doing.
Prim: That’s a very weird connection to make.
[Laugh track. Cut back to Elmo 3 and the other dudes at the conversion center.]
CrazySponge: i think this calls for a montage guys. What’ll it be, drip cars or fortnite 2 beta theme?
Ned: Good thing my stepbrother isn’t here right now. He’d smash you to diddly darn smithereens.
[The wall bursts, revealing Golfpecks. Laugh track because as said in the last episode, destruction is funny.]
Golfpecks: MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY!
Ned: Golfpecks, uh, good to see you yet again?
Golfpecks: Anytime I hear my name called, I have an obligation to go there to needlessly confront them who said thy name.
Ned: I thought you were busy being productive.
Golfpecks: I was. I was busy telling people on "DisCord" how Bernie Sanders is the enemy of the people. WHICH HE IS, JUST SO YOU KNOW!
[Laugh track.]
CrazySponge: silence, foolish mortals… unless you pay me $25 bucks, then you can talk.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates capitalism.
CrazySponge: SHUT IT, CHILD!
Ned: I love capitalism, as it is connected to the one and only Lord, so I’ll give you some buckaroos, neighborino.
[Ned gives CrazySponge $25.]
CrazySponge: (counting money) thanks, ned. now I have 25 infinity + infinity dollars. now then, talk away.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates all of you.
CrazySponge: okay, the time for talking is over.
[Laugh track.]
CrazySponge: anyway i can now use cheat codes to level up this season in fortnite, so thanks for this
Elmo 3: Wh-
CrazySponge: I SAID NO TALKING!
Ned: But we just paid you $25 to talk and now you're saying we can't! I may not agree with what the boy has to say, but at least stick to the deal.
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: uuuugggggghhhhhh fine, elmo 3, you may open and close your mouth and make sounds with it
Elmo 3: Racism.
[Extra loud laugh track.]
CrazySponge: o
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 has no time for this tomfoolery going on. Elmo 3 has decided to join Golfpecks256 as an intern for his company, Banana Studios.
CrazySponge: WHAT? BUT I AM GOD. I COMMAND YOU TO-
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 has already made the deal with the devil.
Ned: Oh no. Why, my student has just diddlied himself to the devil.
CrazySponge: You could've just said dealt. Now your sentence sounds way worse.
Ned: No bible stories for you, young God.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: But I am God. I can and will smite you to-
[Producer enters scene.]
Producer: Hey, CrazySponge, can I have a word with you?
CrazySponge: Who dares talk to the almighty God?
Producer: Well, you see, you’re no longer God. There’s this guy, Luis, right? Well, he overtook your rule. You’re out.
CrazySponge: But I’ve been god for two and ½ hours! Please let me stay.
Producer: It’s final.. You’re out.
[Scene changes to show CrazySponge & Ned kicked out of the house.]
CrazySponge: Foolish mortal… I will have my revenge one of these days.
Ned: Come on, CrazySponge. Maybe this is a learning experience to not take life for granted, for it is not always what it seems to be. Sometimes you need a good boot in your butt to get things going again, you hear me?
CrazySponge: o… nah fuck that. Let’s try to get more followers.
[Laugh track. Cut back to the SBFW residence, where everyone is sitting down awkwardly.]
SpongeBot: How come we’re not doing anything?
Zoltan: Because you’re a lazy ass baguette.
SpongeBot: Hey don’t talk to your father like that.
Zoltan: Wait what the fuck
[Laugh track.]
Jess: I think I’m not caught up on the incest lore.
SpongeBot: Don’t be. It’s illegal.
Zoltan: YOU LITERALLY PIRATED SIMS 4 DLC EARLIER THIS MORNING DON’T EVEN GET STARTED WITH ME, MISS!
[Laugh track because piracy.]
[The door to the building opens, and Aly and Pluto walk inside, with bags in each of their hands.]
Aly: I must say, I’m really disappointed there wasn’t anything sexual in the fucking CEX store.
Pluto: Wrong sex, my love.
Aly: Fat chance we’ll have any tonight, by the way.
Jess: Ouch.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: So what? Virginity is cool. Stay pure.
SpongeBot: So, what did you guys get from the CEX store?
Zoltan: NO SEX!
[Laugh track.]
Aly: Psst, I think your dad’s a virgin.
Zoltan: I heard that!
SpongeBot: He should be used to it at this point.
Pluto: Wait, then were you guys adopted?
SpongeBot: Aren’t we all?
Jess: So tell us, what did you guys get at the… store?
Zoltan: Much better.
[Laugh track because no sex.]
Pluto: Well, we got Monkey Ball Banana Blitz on Nintendo Switch.
Aly: And we got this cute little keychain with some Arabic lettering on it.
SpongeBot: Hey, lemme see that.
[Aly reluctantly hands over the keychain to SpongeBot.]
SpongeBot: آمل أن تأكل مريم العذراء أعضائك التناسلية من الداخل والخارج.What the hell does that mean?
Zoltan: I dunno but it must be funny since it’s in Arabic.
Pluto: I don’t know, I think it was a good buy.
Aly: Well, uh, it was nice meeting you all, I guess. Time to go back home.
Pluto: But we haven’t even shown them the best part!
Aly: Oh, the John. plush? That’s just stupid promotion from the cardboard corporation.
SpongeBot: You’re lucky CrazySponge isn’t here right now-
CrazySponge: [appearing out of thin air] DID SOMEBODY SAY JOHN.?
Aly: Oh god it’s the guy.
Pluto: Fuck off, Aidan, you attractive-to-Roxanne buffoon.
CrazySponge: I’ll have you know that she is NOT A FURRY!
Pluto: She’s a fucking humanoid animal. Which is a furry.
Aly: I didn’t know I’d be hearing an argument over whether a character from a movie is a furry or not today. I think I better go. I’ll leave the keys under my ass, Pluto.
Pluto: Please take me with you. This house sucks.
Aly: Nope. Good day, heathens.
[She walks out of the house confidently.]
Pluto: Wait, she’s my wife. Why do we live in different houses?
SpongeBot: And why do most of us live in the same house? Huh? Did you think about that, Mr. Detective?
Pluto: Yes.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Alright, time to buy a different house for me and my wife to live in. Good day, heathens.
[Pluto walks out of the house the exact same way Aly did.]
Zoltan: Who else but Pluto amirite?
SpongeBot: Shut up, dad.
[Prim walks in.]
Prim: Hey everyone, where’s Elmo 3?
[Luis barges in after him, holding Elmo 3 in his hands.]
Luis: TAKE HIM. TAKE HIM BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Who the fuck are you? I’ve kinda lost track of this family tree.
Luis: I’m God. Who else would I be?
Prim: Uh… the mailman?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates the mailman.
Luis: Hilarious. Anyway, [puts Elmo 3 into Prim’s hands] please just take him already. My POBA team needs me, and I won’t let this demon spawn get in the way of that.
SpongeBot: Did you at least convert him to Christianity?
[Luis says nothing.]
SpongeBot: Hello?
[Luis leaves and shuts the door.]
Zoltan: Pff… welp.
SpongeBot: You’re not helping, dad.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 wants to punch God in the face.
SpongeBot: Well that’s a start. What do you want for lunch, Elmo 3?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 wants the spawn of hell barbecued.
SpongeBot: Prim, go dig up Elmo 2’s ashes!
[Laugh track as episode ends.]
=== (Z) My Life as a Teenage SpongeBot [July 5, 2021] {SpongeBot678} ===
SpongeBot678: The messages just got worse and worse throughout 2018, some of them included slurs, others were “what is the boi variant of girl is it giri”.
Therapist: Interesting… What else happened that year?
SpongeBot678: I tried another spin-off, this time more adult, it was called NKC.
Therapist: Did it succeed?
SpongeBot678: Nope, I deleted most of the episodes recently too. There was also this dude called RedBomb, who later changed his name to Bluebunny. He did loads of weird shit, even used the “I say racial slurs all the time lmao” message to try to claim I was racist. He claimed his house burned down too, I don’t think anybody believed it.
(shows a comment from Jensonk saying “R.I.P. To Bluebunny507's pets who sadly burned to death.”)
Therapist: This is all happening on SpongeBob wikis?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know where else it’d be happening. Oh and SBFW got deleted that year too.
Therapist: WHAT
SpongeBot678: Came back in 2019.
Therapist: Oh. What happened in 2019?
SpongeBot678: Well, the crib closed.
Therapist: WHAT
SpongeBot678: We moved to a new crib. Makes sense, I mean in the last crib I confessed to killing a man, attempting to kill my wife, selling families, smoking weed, and smoking mp3 files.
Therapist: WHAT THE FUCK?!
SpongeBot678: Hey at least I wasn’t drinking… At the time.
Therapist: So if you did all of that in the old crib, then what was the new crib like when it first opened?
(Bot has a Vietnam flashback)
SpongeBot678: Hell.
Therapist: What’s it like now?
(Bot has another Vietnam flashback)
SpongeBot678: Like Hell but with climate change.
Therapist: So, did you release anything in 2019? Make any more failed spin-offs?
SpongeBot678: Actually no, I don't think I did. But I did write a Meme World movie.
Therapist: (breaks down laughing) OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS. No but seriously, what did you release in 2019?
SpongeBot678: A Meme World movie.
Therapist: What, you mean, you’re serious? You wrote a movie about memes. Fucking memes?
SpongeBot678: Well technically it’s about a TV channel called Meme World. We’re making a sequel too.
Therapist: You’re crazy… Well we’re running out of time so let me just ask you some questions about your personal life. Are you married?
SpongeBot678: ...OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND.
Therapist: Does he know you’re here?
(cuts to Prim walking up to rehab)
Receptionist: Oh hi, are you here for an appointment?
Prim: No, have you seen my wife?
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: No, I don't think he does.
Therapist: Do you think you're a faithful wife?
(flashback to SpongeBot reading a wikihow tutorial on how to flirt and then walking up to CrazySponge)
SpongeBot678: Did you hear about the Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?
CrazySponge: Yes, I caused them.
SpongeBot678: Oh… Do you want to date me?
(back to scene)
SpongeBot678: Probably not.
Therapist: Do you have kids?
SpongeBot678: I have had 3 kids, 1 died shortly after being born.
Therapist: I am sorry if this is insensitive or anything but, how did they die?
SpongeBot678: Well.
(cut to Prim entering the house)
Prim: Honey, I’m home! How's Elmo 2?
SpongeBot678: Great, he’s playing in the freezer right now!
(Prim walks up to the freezer)
Prim: He looks like he’s been in there for a long time, he might be a bit cold.
SpongeBot678: Oh don’t worry, it's fine. I can warm him up. (pulls out a blowtorch)
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: Accident. But it’s fine, he praised Satan anyway and we quickly made a replacement child.
Therapist ...why did he praise Satan at such a young age?
SpongeBot678: Oh, I drank and smoked a lot while pregnant. We both knew it was going to happen.
Therapist: OK listen Bot. You have given me your whole life story (SpongeBot winks) and it is beyond fucked up. Are there any family issues that could justify the way you act today?
SpongeBot678: The only thing I can think of is my dad losing his job in 2015 and now he’s really crazy about getting things on the cheap. He even takes a scale with him to the supermarket so he can weigh the cheese and get a good deal. But other than that, nope, no family issues.
Therapist: If I’m being completely honest, you have so many problems that need to be addressed: you’re an alcoholic, a murderer, a drug user, you’ve tried to cheat on your husband-
SpongeBot678: Actually I did cheat on my husband a few days ago while I was attempting to bomb the Earth. Sorry, I almost forgot to mention that… It was pretty fun actually.
Therapist: OK so you HAVE cheated on your husband, your addictions have caused harm to your children, your family don’t even know where you are right now, and I am not convinced your first kid’s death was an accident.
SpongeBot678: Well I definitely didn’t mean to kill him but-
Therapist: Just stop, the session is almost over. I don’t need any more confessions. OK, look, I am going to refer you to several rehabilitation groups.
SpongeBot678: Why?
Therapist: ...to get you the help that you obviously need.
SpongeBot678: (nervously laughs) Help? You think I need help? I am a writer on a SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, I had 5 wives before marrying Prim, I have over 100 criminal convictions, and you think I need help? Fuck no, I love my life, it’s the exact life I dreamt of back in preschool.
Therapist: This is your dream life?
SpongeBot678: Of course.
Therapist: Wait so if you’re proud of your current lifestyle and have no complaints, then why are you here?
(Bot starts smiling)
SpongeBot678: You’ve been writing down everything I say right?
Therapist: Yeah. It’s all here in this book, it’s about 12 pages worth of content. Why?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know if you get asked this often but, can I have it?
Therapist: Sure I guess. (he passes the book to her) Why do you need it?
SpongeBot678: Well there’s one thing I didn’t mention. I am currently taking part in this thing called Spin-Off Kings, and I need to write an autobiography. And I was thinking to myself “how the hell am I going to do this?” Then, I saw an advert for your therapy services, and I thought, if I just tell you my entire life story then the episode will just write itself.
Therapist: ...you paid for my service just so you could write an episode for your fanon wiki. Wait a minute you’re a criminal, did you even pay?
SpongeBot678: Well, the payment is going to bounce. But I’ve had fun today so here, take my wallet. (gives him her wallet) Welp, I should be heading home. Thanks for writing an episode for me.
Therapist: ...fuck you. (Bot opens the door to leave)
(Prim is walking up to another receptionist)
Receptionist: Do you have a therapy appointment?
Prim: No, do you have my wife? (Bot leaves) OH THERE YOU ARE!
Therapist: I wonder what other jobs I could get.
(Prim walks in)
Prim: OK, I know I don’t have an appointment but I really need this right now. Hi, I’m Prim and I am really starting to hate my wife. She keeps leaving the house and not coming back for another 3 days.
Therapist: Dare I ask, when did your issues with your wife begin?
Prim: Well I guess it started around the time she killed our first child.
(the therapist can be heard jumping through a window and the episode ends)
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E4: Homophobeward Isn't Real [July 8, 2021] {Existant201} ===
(shot of the chum bucket where sex noises are heard)
Plankton: oh yeah krabs
Krabs: oh yeah plankton
Plankton: shove me up your ass again
Krabs: sure
(krabs shoves plankton up his ass)
(cut to a shot of squidward's house)
(cut inside to see homophobeward spying on krabs and plankton having sex)
Homophobeward: man i hate gays
(the doorbell rings)
Homophobeward: oh that must be my weekly meth delivery
(homophobeward opens the door to see spongebin at the door)
Spongebin: hello homophobeward
Homophobeward: what do you want
Spongebin: wanna go shoot krabs and plankton with me
Homophobeward: sure
(cut to spongebin and homophobeward outside of the chum bucket knocking on the door)
Krabs: oh crap quick plankton get out of my ass
Plankton: ok
(plankton slips out of krabs' ass)
(mr krabs puts his clothes on and opens the door)
Mr krabs: oh hi spongebin and homophobeward
Spongebin: youre going to hell
Mr krabs: wait what
(spongebin and homophobeward shoot mr krabs in the balls)
Plankton: oh no my husband is dead
(plankton gets shot at by homophobeward)
Spongebin: the deed is done now
(homophobeward vanishes)
Spongebin: what the fuck
(cut to patracist's house)
(shot of inside patracist's house where we see him watching popetown)
Patracist: haha i love this show
(a knock is heard on his door)
Patracist: go away
(his rock opens and we see spongebin is outside)
Patracist: oh hi spongebin
Spongebin: patracist i think homophobeward isnt real
Patracist: oh no
Spongebin: he vanished after me and him killed mr krabs and plankton
Patracist: if homophobeward isnt real then who does the house in between our houses belong to?
(the house vanishes too)
Spongebin: oh no patracist, i think homophobeward was just a figment of our imagination
Patracist: oh no
Spongebin: i'll go to bubble ass and see if he has a cure
(cut to bubble ass's house)
Bubble ass: spongebin, the accident was 10 years ago, get over it
Spongebin: but homophobeward was my friend bubble ass
Bubble ass: spongebin, get over it, he died already
Spongebin: but-
Bubble ass: no buts, wait, i am one
Spongebin: bubble ass, you don't understand
Bubble ass: why don't you go home and lie down for a few hours, maybe that'll help you forget it.
Spongebin: maybe you're right
(cut to spongebin going to the graveyard where homophobeward was buried)
Spongebin: here lies homophobeward, "he was homophobic" man.
(the ghost of homophobeward appears next to spongebin)
Homophobeward: hello spongebin
Spongebin: AAAA, oh, hi homophobeward
Homophobeward: i have come back from the dead
Spongebin: how is it in heaven?
Homophobeward: sadly i went to hell
Spongebin: oh no
Homophobeward: goodbye
(homophobeward goes back to his grave)
Spongebin: i need to lay off the drugs
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E5: El Sabotage de Sandy [July 31, 2021] {FireMatch} ===
(The episode begins with Sandy hanging up her underwear on a clothesline)
Sandy: Y’know, maybe I should just get a fucking dryer. This takes too much time.
(Cut to the outside of her treedome, where SpongeBin is looking at her through a pair of binoculars behind a bush conveniently placed outside)
SpongeBin: Wait until Bubble Bass finds out what I’m about to do to this poor woman… oh who am I kidding she absolutely deserves it.
(SpongeBin slithers like a snake up to the very top of the treedome and waits for a good time to enter. Sandy is seen taking estrogen pills)
Sandy: Being trans ain’t easy, y’know. Existing isn’t easy either but that’s a different story for another time.
SpongeBin: (taking pictures with a camera) Estrogen… interesting. SHE’S PLAYING GOD! Wait, isn't Sandy a guy? Oh forget it, I’m trying to impress my friend here. If it’s girl she wants, it’s girl she gets. Or he. My brain hurts so fucking much.
Sandy: Time to go watch my favorite TV channel… Hallmark!
(SpongeBin gags)
SpongeBin: It’s even worse than I thought! Watching bottom of the barrel television! How does that channel still get ratings?
(Sandy goes inside the treedome and sits on her couch to watch TV. SpongeBin cuts an opening into the treedome with his teeth and lands on top of the tree. He can see Sandy watching TV)
Sandy: (tearing up) Randy, you’re such a dreamboat.
SpongeBin: Oh puh-lease, he probably doesn’t even know every misogynistic slur in the sea. Unlike me. I know all of them. (takes a picture)
Sandy: (tensing up) I gotta take a dump.
SpongeBin: Not very ladylike I see. Oh well, ladies are bad anyway. I wonder if I can get pictures of her in the bathroom.
French Narrator: Eugh… several bathroom pics later…
SpongeBin: Wait ‘til Bubble Bass sees these. He’s gonna laugh his bubble ass off!
(He then notices that the hole he made earlier has started a flood inside the treedome)
Sandy: Dag nabbit, there’s a hole in the dome! I knew I should’ve gotten dome insurance.
(SpongeBin snickers as Sandy presses a button on the dome to drain all the water)
Sandy: Now, where were we? Oh yeah. Gotta masturbate.
SpongeBin: Stupid bitch. Everyone knows women can’t masturbate. Wait, is Sandy a woman? I forget.
(Sandy lays on her bed and sighs)
SpongeBin: Oh, this’ll be great! (takes more pictures)
French Narrator: I… I hate working for this show. Several disgusting pics later…
SpongeBin: I think that’s enough pictures. Now for the sabotage!
(SpongeBin pulls out a screwdriver and looks for something to loosen. He finds out that the dome has several screws putting it together)
SpongeBin: Jackpot!
(SpongeBin starts undoing all the screws one by one, and he sees Sandy go outside to get some fresh air)
Sandy: (sighs) Ah, all that work made me tired. I think I need some of that fresh air.
SpongeBin: Shit! Gotta make this quick!
(SpongeBin undoes the screws at a much faster rate, and gets all of them unscrewed. He takes shelter inside of Sandy’s tree as the dome collapses on itself. Sandy is left injured, and very pissed off)
Sandy: MY DOME! WHO DID THIS?!
(She hears SpongeBin texting on his phone)
Sandy: SPONGEBIN! I SHOULD’VE KNOWN! Just what in Jesus Harold Christ’s crispy crackers are you doing?!
SpongeBin: None of your business, fake girl.
Sandy: Fake?! Shut the hell up, you’re starting to sound like Bubble Bass.
(SpongeBin touches her breasts)
SpongeBin: Are these things even real? Doesn’t seem like it.
Sandy: OUT!
(SpongeBin runs away laughing)
Sandy: Grr… gonna have to crash at Mrs. Puff’s again.
(Bubble transition to SpongeBin calling Bubble Bass on Discord)
SpongeBin: So, pretty cool pics, huh?
Bubble Bass: You bet! That’s one puny schlong he has.
SpongeBin: Oh, so Sandy’s a guy.
Bubble Bass: Yeah. Everyone knows that.
SpongeBin: Now I feel a little bad destroying the treedome.
Bubble Bass: Don’t be. You did a good thing, buddy.
Mama Bass: BUBBLE BASS! DID YOU ORDER NAZI PROPAGANDA AGAIN?
Bubble Bass: No mother, I’m sure it’s just the libtards next door who did that.
Mama Bass: I’m gonna kick your ass… one of these days.
(the episode ends as Bubble Bass’ mom spanks her son multiple times)
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E6: Patracist Gets Arrested [August 6, 2021] {Existant201} ===
(shot of patracist's house)
Patracist: ah, sure is nice watching quality television like breadwinners
(shot of the tv where we see 2 ducks)
Patracist: i love this show
(we hear a knock on his door)
Patracist: shut the fuck up i'm watching breadwinners
(the fbi barge in)
Patracist: uh oh
FBI Person: You're under arrest for liking low quality television like breadwinners!
Patracist: Breadwinners is a perfectly fine show and I'll watch it whether you like it or not!
(cut to patracist in a chair in front a screen)
FBI person: you'll be sitting here for 2 years without breadwinners and will be forced to watch actually good stuff like catdog
Patracist: NOOOO NOT CATDOG
(we then see patracist begging for help watching catdog)
Patracist: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(2 years later…)
(we see patracist running while screaming)
Patracist: THEY ARE MONSTERS!!
(patracist gets back to his house)
(shot of his house as the episode ends)
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E7: SpongeBin Bombs a Factory [September 1, 2021] {Classifedtrixie33} ===
*The Episode Begins When SpongeBin Wakes Up*
SpongeBin: Wow its a great day to bomb a place somewhere.
SpongeBin: Wait how about I start saying to bomb a factory up and a bad explosion?
SpongeBin: Well Patracist will help me bomb one.
Patracist: Hey SpongeBin!
SpongeBin: Hey Patracist! Want to bomb a factory up?
Patracist: Sure!
*1 hour later they start walking to the factory where they make pitchforks*
Patracist: Get the bomb ready!
SpongeBin: Alright
*Bomb counts to 3, 2, 1, and then it bombs when Patracist and spongebin run away from the factory, and the factory workers die from an explosion and then SpongeBin wakes up revealing it was all a dream*
SpongeBin: That was an interesting dream. Also I hate women.
*The episode ends*
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E8: Postman Bin [September 17, 2021] {Zoltan40} ===
[episode begins with SpongeBin and Joe watching Pingu]
SpongeBin: Wow, this show truly is amazing.
Joe: Yeah, especially that penguin.
SpongeBin: Wait, what is he doing?
[Pingu puts a mailman hat on]
Pingu (in the TV): Noot noot!
SpongeBin: W-what's that?
Joe: That is a mailman hat. It is used by a mailman, also known as a postman.
SpongeBin: Oh, that's cool.
[Pingu ending theme is heard]
SpongeBin: Awww... It's over already.
[Postman Pat theme song starts]
SpongeBin: What?!
Joe: This is a classic.
SpongeBin: Wow, that guy is so cool, with his black and white cat... *gasps* I have an idea! What if we become postmans?
Joe: That is a weird idea.
SpongeBin: You will get ice cream.
Joe: OH OKAY
[Postman Bin intro begins]
Singer: Postman Bin, Postman Bin and Joe who's baby sniffin'. Early in the morning, Just as day is dawning, He picks up all the post bags in his van.
Postman Bin, Postman Bin and Joe who's baby sniffin' All the clams are singing, And the day is just beginning, Bin feels he's a really sexist sponge.
Everybody knows, his bright red van. All his friends will smile as he waves to greet them. Maybe, You can never be sure, They'll be knock, Ring, Letters through your door.
SpongeBin: Hehe.
Singer: Postman Bin, Postman Bin and Joe who's baby sniffin'. All the clams are singing, And the day is just beginning, Bin feels he's a really sexist sponge Bin feels he's a really sexist sponge Bin feels he's a really sexist sponge.
[cut to SpongeBin and Joe in a bright red van]
SpongeBin: This is really boring.
Joe: Meow.
SpongeBin: Well, let's pick up the mail.
[they go inside a house]
SpongeBin: So uh... where do we get the mail from?
[the postmistress appears]
Postministress: Good morning, Spo-
SpongeBin: EW! A WOMAN! [he punches the postministress]
Postministress: OUCH! WHY?!
SpongeBin: Because you deserve it, putrid female.
Postministress: *dies*
SpongeBin: Okay Joe! Let's get the mail and leave!
[bubble transition to them in the van]
SpongeBin: We are soon gonna be arriving at the first house...
Joe: Meow.
SpongeBin: GOOD MORNING SIR! HERE ARE THE LETTUCE!
Man: Oh oka-
[SpongeBin throws a box at him]
SpongeBin: GOODBYE!
[he drives off]
Man: help
[cut to SpongeBin watching an old lady]
SpongeBin: GOOD MORNING, MISS!
Old lady: Oh, good morning sir, are you the postman?
SpongeBin: Yes, and here are the lettuce.
Old lady: Oh, great! Wait, did you say letters or lettuce?
SpongeBin: Lettuce.
[SpongeBin throws a giant lettuce at her]
Old lady: HELP! HELP! I AM BEING CRUSHED BY LETTUCE!
SpongeBin: It's what you deserve, *bleep*.
Old lady: Woah, that's a slur.
SpongeBin: I know.
[SpongeBin gets inside his van and drives off]
SpongeBin: Well Joe, we have already killed 3 women. How many are left?
Joe: I have no idea.
SpongeBin: Oh right, there ae thousands of women. WE GOTTA MURDER THEM ALL... with lettuce.
[a montage plays of SpongeBin throwing lettuce at old women.]
SpongeBin: Phew. That was quite exhausting!
Joe: You have murdered 69 women.
SpongeBin: YES!! WOOHOO!! FINALLY!!
Joe: There are only 3 thousand left.
SpongeBin: Oh right... Well uh...
Joe: And the police are coming.
SpongeBin: WHAT?! QUICK, HOP INTO THE VAN!
[SpongeBin tries to jump into the van, but a police officer puts handcuffs on him.]
Police officer: You are in big trouble sir, you have murdered 60 old ladies. You are getting arrested.
SpongeBin: NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! JOE SAY SOMETHING!
Joe: Uh... My fellow Americans.
Police officer: Who's this stupid snail?
Joe: I am Joe Biden. Here's a 1 billion dollar bill.
Police officer: Woah! Thanks Mr. President!
[the police officer gets rid of the handcuffs]
Police officer: I am sorry for wanting to arrest your owner!
Joe: No problem. It happens everyday.
Police officer: Wait really?
Joe: Yes, now go!
Police officer: Okay, okay! [walks away]
SpongeBin: Well, thanks.
Joe: No problem. Now let's go to the ice cream shop!
SpongeBin: Yeah! Wait, I threw lettuce on the ice cream shop lady too...
Joe: You WHAT?!
SpongeBin: Uh...
Joe: I AM GONNA MURDER YOU FOR THIS!
SpongeBin: JOE LETS JUST-
[A clip of an explosion is played as the episode ends]
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E9: SpongeBin Commits Tax Evasion [September 21, 2021] {Zoltan40} ===
[The episode begins with SpongeBin in his room]
SpongeBin: I hate women so much I'm going to commit tax evasion.
[A police officer break into his house]
Police Officer: Are you committing tax evasion?
SpongeBin: Uh, yes?
Police Officer: You are under arrest!
SpongeBin: What? No! Joe! Help!
Joe: I'm sorry SpongeBin, but unfortunately I have to leave as I am going to disguise myself as the father of CartoonGuy Zagna in order to surveil a full server.
SpongeBin: Noooo!
[Cut to SpongeBin in prison]
SpongeBin: Damn.
=== (Z) Full Server S1E3: The Army of Children [October 6, 2021] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Episode starts with CartoonGuy drinking chocolate milk at an orphanage]
CartoonGuy: Ah, delicious. Well, I’d say this is the perfect place to start my empire of children!
Worker: An empire of children?
CartoonGuy: Yeah, I’ll be the next best dictator! Of children. I’m just like Mussolini!
[Laugh track because dictatorship.]
Worker: Sir, I don’t think we can give you children.
CartoonGuy: Very well then. [Pulls out a gun] I am going to kill you.
Worker: Ok ok, fine! You can get children.
CartoonGuy: Thank you. [Throws the gun at him, knocking him out] Now, which ones should I choose?
[He looks at a separated cage with an Elmo plush in it]
CartoonGuy: Perfect! May I get that one?
[CartoonGuy takes the Elmo plush]
Renaud: Let’s see what kid will be the lucky one today!
[The camera pans to the house.]
Zoltan: Are you ok, Pluto?
Pluto: I’ve just been kind of sad ever since my mom went on break with dad.
Zoltan: Pluto, there are struggling beautiful Polish women that are worse off than you.
[Laugh track. Granite and CartoonGuy walk in with 5 kids.]
Granite: Guess who got married?
Pluto: Wait what?
CartoonGuy: That’s right. Also, Pluto, you’re disowned.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Zoltan: Wanna be my kid?
Pluto: Well, sure, I guess.
Zoltan: Yay!
Granite: What a very turn of events.
[In walks SpongeBot arguing with Prim.]
SpongeBot: You bastard.
Prim: It was one fucking time.
Zoltan: What happened here?
SpongeBot: I caught this bloody wanker watching Garfield.….ON PORNHUB!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Look, I couldn’t find it anywhere!
SpongeBot: We’re done. I don’t want my kids around someone who goes on Pornhub to see John give Garfield a footlong.
CartoonGuy: BOT! Don’t say this stuff in front of my kids!
SpongeBot: Your WHAT?!
Granite: They’re my kids too.
SpongeBot: WHAT
[Peter walks in.]
Peter: Hi guys, Peter Griffin here. Have you guys seen this duck? It’s huge as fuck. Lemme tell you, this is better than the time I had an affair with PoopFan.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh NO. WE’RE NOT DOING A FUCKING CUTAWAY.
Jasbre: Let go of me, you fat piece of shit.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: HEY! I AM NOT FAT! Am I, Prim?
[Cut to inside of Prim’s mind.]
Happy Prim: She’s our wife, guys. She’s beautiful.
Anger Prim: But she insulted us for watching Garfield porn. We must get her back.
Sadness Prim: But that will make her cry and if she cries, I cry.
Fear Prim: Maybe she will kill me!
Disgust Prim: Children, children. It is pretty obvious what we must do. Let me handle this.
[Cuts back to Prim.]
Prim: You’re a disgusting fat fuck.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: THAT’S IT!
Prim: Did I do it right?
SpongeBot: OUT!
Prim: But I-
SpongeBot: NOW!!
[Sad music plays while Prim packs his bags, with the audience crying]
Prim: Goodbye everyone. Tell Elmo 3 and uh.. what’s the other kid’s name again?
SpongeBot: I don’t fucking know. Bimbo or something.
Prim: Goodbye all. To Slovenia, I go!
[Prim exits the scene.]
Purple: Oh dear. It appears Prim has left.
SpongeBot: Wow, really?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Hey, Purple, now that Prim is gone maybe you need a new son. Do you want to adopt me?
Purple: I thought you were my father.
Zoltan: Well yeah, but being a son is easier than being a father.
Purple: Ah, I see. That makes perfect sense.
[Laugh track]
Jasbre: Can someone explain why I’m here again?
Aaron: You look nice.
Narrator: To this day, no one knows why Jasbre got there.
SpongeBot: Who the fuck is that?
[Laugh track because fourth wall break. CrazySponge walks in.]
CrazySponge: hello fellow people. i’m going to try and regain my God status. come on, Ned.
Aaron: You were sleeping with Ned?
Peter: Oh boy, this is more confusing than the time I went to North Korea.
SpongeBot: NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!
[CartoonGuy walks in with 10 children]
CartoonGuy: Hey guys. Like my child army?
Aaron: I don't think this is the military, Ignacio.
[Laugh track.]
Kid #1: I want my mommy.
CartoonGuy: Your mom disowned you for shitting your pants.
Kid #1: o.
SpongeBot: What now?
[Granite enters.]
Granite: Hey CartoonGuy, look who I found in prison!
CartoonGuy: What a cute little girl!
Granite: Her name is Susan. She robbed a store.
CartoonGuy: How sweet!
Granite: Well yes, she stole candy.
CartoonGuy: Can she wield a gun in the name of self defense?
Granite: I guess.
CartoonGuy: Great. Now I will collect more babes.
Granite: Do you mean-
[CrazySponge appears out of nowhere.]
CrazySponge: so uh am i god now
Jasbre: What did you do?
CrazySponge: buy aaron with elli
Jasbre: WHAT? Well then I’m marrying him!
Aaron: What in the world are you two doing?
CrazySponge: not each other because I’M NOT GAY!!!
Jasbre: I just wanted to say that I love you Aaron.
Aaron: Why
Jasbre: Well you are at the top.
Aaron: Of course.
Jasbre: Will you marry me?
Tan: I EXIST TOO!
Aaron: [Pushes Tan out of the way and walks closer to Jasbre] What do you want now?
Jasbre: Uh… marriage?
Aaron: Jabba, Jasper, Judas, whatever your name is, I will not marry you.
Jasbre: But I like Weezer.
CrazySponge: get out of the way probably future son-in-law i am much better than you
Jasbre: I just want to be on the top with Aaron.
[Cuts to the writers of the show.]
Pluto: Are we truly this fucked up?
CartoonGuy: Yes.
Pluto: All good then.
[Laugh track.]
[Cuts back to the show.]
Aaron: Well I guess if I don’t marry you you will kill me so…
Jasbre: YAY!
[Laugh track.]
[CartoonGuy comes on the set with a train. A bunch of children walk out of it.]
CartoonGuy: 20 CHILDREN.
Granite: This isn’t gonna end well.
CartoonGuy: [Holds Granite’s hands] Granite, listen. We could be the rulers of something beautiful. I could be Hitler and you could be Goebbles.
Kid #2: Father, I require nutrients.
CartoonGuy: Shut up, kid. I’m trying to have a moment here.
[laugh track]
Granite: I really don’t like the sound of that. Can we at least pick different people?
CartoonGuy: You gotta start them off young.
[laugh track]
Granite: Well okay then…
CartoonGuy: Repeat after me, kids. Mangiate merda puttane sporche.
Granite: I really don’t like where this is going.
CartoonGuy: Relax, bitch.
Kids: Mangiate merda puttane sporche!
CartoonGuy: GREAT!
Random mother: Baci tua madre con quella bocca?
[Laugh track because Italian.]
Granite: Do you have any idea what any of that means?
CartoonGuy: I’ll tell you when you get older.
Granite: But I’m already old enough to know!
CartoonGuy: Can you drink alcohol in the USA? Didn’t think so.
Granite: Fine. So what do we do now that these kids have said something that may or may not be ethnic slurs?
CartoonGuy: You give ‘em the old Italian father one-too. (Slaps one kid) You’re breakin’ ya mother’s heart.
[laugh track because Family Guy. We cut over to Bot and Zoltan’s wedding.]
Bot: Zoltan is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. I mean, listen to him.
Zoltan: I hate women.
Bot: He’s hilarious!
Jasbre: Nice, not sure why I have to do this, but I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Zoltan: sex
[laugh track]
Bot: Come on, let's kiss already.
[Audience cheers. Cuts to the first dance.]
Bot: Good thing I know enough dances from Fortnite to do this.
Zoltan: Can we stop doing the orange justice already?
Bot: (sighs) Jess would’ve loved to be here. The orange justice is her thing.
[CartoonGuy suddenly arrives with Granite and a lot of children]
CartoonGuy: Sorry I’m late Bot, I had to buy a bus that seats 513 kids.
Bot: WHAT THE FUCK CARTOONGUY?
Peter: Boy, this is like the time Stewie contracted mono.
Bot: NO IT FUCKING ISN’T! SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THOSE CUTAWAYS!
CartoonGuy: So what are we doing?
Zoltan: sex
[Laugh track because sex]
CartoonGuy: Anyways, I came to tell you that I’m declaring war on the Brazilian Army because they peed on my body pillow.
Zoltan: Was it a Scatman body pillow?
Peter: Ooh, I love me some scat!
Zoltan: die
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: So, I have to train all 513 kids plus Granite to defend the homeland.
Granite: CartoonGuy, I don’t wanna do it.
CartoonGuy: You have to. Or else I’ll send the kids to hunt you down. [phone rings] That must be the Brazilian Army [answer phone] Hello?
Einstein: So like, are we still up to fight tomorrow?
CartoonGuy: Yeah, Guy Furry, we are.
Einstein: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
CartoonGuy: Hey you're the one who called yourself a furry.
[Laugh track]
Einstein: That’s it. First, we’re gonna tell our moms on you, and then bomb you.
CartoonGuy: Sounds awesome. Reminds me of my role model Mussolini.
[Laugh track]
Einstein: You’re so getting told on now. [hangs up]
CartoonGuy: Oh, Einstein cracks me up sometimes.
Granite: IGNACIO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. THEY’RE GONNA BOMB THE FUCKING HOUSE!
CartoonGuy: Oh yeah right. Yeah this is bad.
Granite: We gotta do something, you jackass!
CartoonGuy: Call 9-1-1?
Granite: Fuck them cops, dude! They won’t care about some stupid bombing!
[Meanwhile…]
Police officer 1: I sure love diffusing bombs.
Police officer 2: You have some serious issues.
Police officer 1: Yeah I know, I’ll work on my fart fetish here in a little bit.
[Laugh track. Cut back to CartoonGuy and Granite pacing around the room.]
CartoonGuy: What am I going to do? I can’t defeat the Brazilian Military of three people!
[Aaron walks in with a plate with a roasted duck on it]
Aaron: Hey guys, dinner is ready.
Zoltan: I fucked your daughter.
Aaron: die
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Kids, we have to train!
Kid #3: But where?
[cut to CartoonGuy and the kids on the railroad]
[Laugh track because railroad.]
Kid #3: haha very funny
CartoonGuy: OK, everybody, let the training begin!
[train sounds are heard]
Kid #4: I don’t think this is safe.
[Laugh track because danger.]
[cut to Einstein and 2 other people in a giant factory]
Einstein: There is no way those idiots can defeat us, with you, FluentInEatingAss!
FluentInEatingAss: where am i
Einstein: Don’t worry about it, if you see some kids then just punch them.
[CartoonGuy, Granite and an army of children break into the factory]
Einstein: FLUENT ATTACK THEM!
[FluentInEatingAss punches a kid and 8 kids jump on him, killing him]
Einstein: FLUENT NO!!!
Granite: It will be easy to defeat you now.
Einstein: Hehehe… Well I still have one person…
CartoonGuy: Who?
[Ace walks out of the shadows]
Ace: BOO!
[CartoonGuy slaps him]
Ace: Ouch! That really hurt! *sigh* Well, I'm gonna go back and play doki doki literature club. [walks out of the factory]
Einstein: NO! WHY!
CartoonGuy: Alright kids, KILL THE FURRY! [Laugh track.]
Einstein: NOOOOOO
[cut to PoopFan and CartoonGuy talking to each other]
CartoonGuy: And they killed him.
PoopFan: Wait, what happened to the kids?
CartoonGuy: They got better parents. I now only have 5.
PoopFan: That’s still a lot. Well I’m gonna be fucking your mom. [Laugh track.]
Zoltan: OH YEAH?! WELL I’M GONNA BE FUCKING YOUR WIFE’S MOM!
CartoonGuy: Oh right, we are related.
[Laugh track, then end credits. Cut to Prim arriving at Slovenia]
Prim: Ah yes, the wonderful country of Slovenia.
[end]
= Suzy Sheep Era =
Press expand if you want to read this section.
== 2021 ==
==== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie (flashbacks, rest of movie in 2022) [November 17, 2021] {thatjess} ====
[PI Movies Logo. We see a birds-eye view of Peppa Pig World at night followed by an exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. The words “November 17, 2021 - 9:15 am” wipe across the bottom left of the screen. Mummy Sheep emerges from her bedroom beaming.]
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Phew, holy fuck! I’ve never felt so ALIVE!!!!!!!!
[Mummy Sheep puts one of her dildos away in a drawer and walks across to the bathroom to clean herself up. The camera pans across to her daughter Suzy Sheep’s room, where she is wearing a headset and playing Fortnite on her Xbox.]
Suzy: (through her microphone) Peppa, what the hell are you doing?!
Peppa: (through her headset in her house) I’m landing!
Suzy: At Tilted? Bruh, EVERYONE lands at Tilted! We’re never gonna get a Victory Royale like this!
Peppa: Trust me, Suzy, we’re gonna win this.
Mummy Pig: (off-screen) Peppa! It’s time to tidy your room!
Peppa: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS WANKER, I’M PLAYING FORTNITE!
Suzy: …you know… Peppa?
Peppa: Yeah?
Suzy: …just in case I get shot to death in the next minute or something… I just want you to know that I love you.
[Pause.]
Peppa: …I love you too, Suzy.
[The camera pans over to Suzy’s window. It is wide open. A black van marked with “Grandad Dog’s Rental Service” pulls up outside the building. A woman, dressed in all black clothing, is in the driver’s seat.]
Cosmobo: Okay, no pressure Cosmobo. Boris just wants you to kill the little girl and then you will finally have somewhere to stay, at least for a couple of months I guess. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to pull this off-
[She notices the open window.]
Cosmobo: (smirks) Bingo.
[Cosmobo pulls a shotgun out and aims it at Suzy through the window.]
Cosmobo: Peppa Pig World is so chill about guns and stuff compared to Bikini Bottom. I love it.
[Suzy Sheep notices her]
Suzy Sheep: Hey, wanna play Fortnite with me?
[Pause.]
Cosomobo: *smirks*
[Cut to Mummy Sheep emerging from the bathroom with toilet flushing sounds. She starts making her way back to her bedroom, when suddenly a loud gunshot is heard, followed by a child’s scream.]
Mummy Sheep: Suzy?! Can you keep it down in there?
[Silence…]
Mummy Sheep: Suzy?!
[Silence…]
Mummy Sheep: SUZY! YOUR MOTHER IS TALKING TO-
[Mummy Sheep enters Suzy’s room to find her lying dead on the floor in a puddle of blood.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear! It looks like Suzy Sheep is dead!
[Mummy Sheep stares at the camera.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh- is- is now not a good time? I’m sorry.
[Cut back to Cosmobo, she slams on the brakes and drives off.]
Cosmobo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO COSMOBO!!!!!!!!
[We cut to a BBC News report.]
Mark Austin: Good evening paedophiles. World-renowned LGBTQ+ rights activist and Peppa Pig’s girlfriend, Suzy Sheep, has been found dead in her bedroom this morning.
[Cut to a Bikini Bottom News report.]
Perch Perkins: The daughter of Mummy Sheep is suspected to have been shot dead by an unknown killer.
[Cut to a French news report.]
Reporter: La majeure partie du monde devrait entrer cette semaine dans une période de deuil international pour commémorer la vie de Suzy Sheep, qui manquera beaucoup à tout le monde.
(SUBTITLES: SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
[Cut to a TalkTV news report.]
Piers Morgan: It’s just some stupid lesbian who has died, I really don’t understand what everyone is making a big fuss about, honestly.
==== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E1: How I Met Daddy Pig [December 13, 2021] {thatjess} ====
[Exterior shot of Peppa Pig’s house. Peppa, George and Daddy Pig are inside watching some thrilling British television.]
Jeremy Kyle: (on TV) Alright, our next guest on our show today is-
[Mummy Pig enters the room, kicking the door down.]
Mummy Pig: YOU DIRTY BASTARD!!!
Peppa: (laughs) Mummy’s using funny words again!
Mummy Pig: Daddy Pig, I think you have some explaining to do!
Narrator: Oh dear, Mummy Pig is a bit grumpy.
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?
Mummy Pig: Don’t “eh? what?” me you bitch-ass-motherfucker, you know exactly what you’ve done this time!
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I haven’t fucking done fucking anything wrong!
Mummy Pig: You know exactly what you’ve fucking done, you fucking fucker! I’ve been through your message history with Mummy Sheep and-
Daddy Pig: It was a one-time thing, Mummy Pig!
Mummy Pig: One-time thing my ass, you bloody git! Nothing you do can unfuck the Christmas turkey now, you twat!
Peppa: Mummy, what’s a twat?
Mummy Pig: Not now, Peppa.
Narrator: Daddy Pig has slept with another woman.
Peppa: Naughty Daddy!
Daddy Pig: I was going to tell you eventually, I swear!
Mummy Pig: Of course you were! Right after you got it on with Miss Rabbit as well?
Daddy Pig: SHE ASKED ME FOR THAT AS A FAVOUR!
Mummy Pig: You know what, I’ve had enough of your bullshit, I’ve really had it. Get out.
Daddy Pig: But Mumm-
Mummy Pig: I SAID GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut to Daddy Pig sitting at a table at The Krusty Krab, with several rucksacks of his belongings, venting to Squidward.]
Daddy Pig: She’s wicked to me, she is. All I do is a little bit of adultery and she chucks me out!
Squidward: I honestly couldn’t care less, I’m just here because my lunch break isn’t long enough to go anywhere nicer. What did you say your name was again?
Daddy Pig: Pig. Daddy Pig.
Squidward: No, I meant your real name.
Daddy Pig: But that is my real name!
Squidward: Sure.
[Squidward stands up and puts his work hat on.]
Squidward: As much as I would love to stay and listen to you being obliviously selfish, I need to go put bread on the table.
[Squidward walks back to his booth. SpongeBob slides up from behind the counter with tears in his eyes.]
SpongeBob: (wipes tear and sniffs) It breaks my heart just to see people kicked out onto the streets like that.
Squidward: Oh puh-lease, he cheated on his wife, he deserves it.
SpongeBob: Yeah! But that doesn’t mean she can just kick him out like that! I just can’t stop thinking about him… all alone… with no one to turn to… I have to go help him!
Squidward: (sigh) SpongeBob, you are the most naive imbecile in the entire ocean.
SpongeBob: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, thanks Squidward.
Squidward: Don’t mention it.
[SpongeBob walks away, and a customer walks up to Squidward.]
Squidward: You wouldn’t happen to have a gun I could borrow, would you?
[Cut to SpongeBob walking over to Daddy Pig’s table. Daddy Pig is viciously chewing on a hamburger.]
SpongeBob: Hey mister, are you… are you alright?
[Daddy Pig puts the burger down. He has ketchup and mustard stains all around his face.]
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah, I’m fine thank you. Give my compliments to the chef.
SpongeBob: Are you sure you’re alright? I mean… sorry for eavesdropping but I couldn’t help overhear your situation and... I feel very, very sorry for you sir.
Daddy Pig: My situation?
SpongeBob: Your uh… you know…
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Your homeless-ness?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh! Oh that, yeah… don’t worry about it mate, she’ll come crawling back to me any second now.
[Mummy Pig pulls up to the front of The Krusty Krab. Peppa and George are in the back of the car.]
Mummy Pig: YOU FORGOT THIS YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!!
[Mummy Pig throws a fucking treadmill through the window.]
Mummy Pig: FUCKING TWAT!!
[Mummy Pig drives off.]
SpongeBob: You sure about that?
Daddy Pig: (sigh) No…
SpongeBob: You know… I have a place you could stay at for a while, you know, only if you want to.
Daddy Pig: Really? You’d do that?
SpongeBob: Of course! It’s the least I can do to help.
Daddy Pig: Thank you so much… um?
SpongeBob: Oh, it’s SpongeBob. And you are?
Daddy Pig: Just call me Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: Huh. Weird name.
Daddy Pig: It’s actual pretty common where I’m from.
[Bubble transition to the two approaching SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
SpongeBob: Welp, here she is!
Daddy Pig: You live in a pineapple?
SpongeBob: You have a problem with that?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know, it just seems a little… (flicks his wrist) fruity.
SpongeBob: Oh you’ll get used to it.
[The two enter. SpongeBob turns the lights on.]
SpongeBob: Gare-bear, I’m home!
[Gary slithers over.]
Gary: Meow.
[Daddy Pig screams.]
Daddy Pig: Agh! What the bloody hell is that?
SpongeBob: Oh that’s my pet snail, Gary. Say hi Gary.
Gary: Despite making up only 13% of the population-
SpongeBob: Heh, okay Gary I think you’ve done enough talking for today.
Gary: I’m just saying-
SpongeBob: Look, we don’t wanna frighten our guest Gary. Right, Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
[Daddy Pig has a flashback of Peppa and George in Grandpa Pig’s garden, sliding along the floor with baskets on their backs pretending to be snails.]
Peppa: I’m going to eat up all Grandpa Pig’s lettuce!
Grandpa Pig: Oi! Keep off my lettuce you cheeky snails!
[Daddy Pig bursts into tears and runs into the kitchen, slamming the door.]
SpongeBob: Look what you’ve done, Gary!
[Patrick enters the pineapple, dragging Daddy Pig’s treadmill behind him.]
Patrick: Where do you want this funny running machine, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Aw, the poor little guy.
[SpongeBob knocks on the kitchen door.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? Are- are you alright?
Daddy Pig: Go away!
SpongeBob: Talking about it might make you feel better.
[Pause. Daddy Pig opens the door and walks out, tears down his face.]
Daddy Pig: I’ve lost everything! My house, my wife, my kids… my TV. I don’t know what I’m going to do, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: There, there, I’m sure you and your wife will make up soon! And then everything can go back to the way it was!
Daddy Pig: No! We’re not going to make up. I may be very stupid, and I may have a slighter bigger than normal tummy, but Mummy Pig’s never been this angry at me before!
SpongeBob: I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship before… unless you count that Krabby Patty I dated once, but I’m pretty sure couples argue all the time.
Daddy Pig: Really?
SpongeBob: I think so, our neighbor Squidward’s dated a good few people and I’ve seen him yell at every single one of them! I wonder why they all left him…
Patrick: Look, if you want help with love, I’m your man. Girls really love it when you tell them how desperate and lonely you are. And you gotta get really mad if they don’t wanna-
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick.
Patrick: Alright, I’ll be in your bathroom if you need me.
[Patrick walks off.]
Daddy Pig: Do you- do you really think I could make things up to Mummy Pig?
SpongeBob: Of course! I mean… why not?! And until you do you can stay here as long as you need.
Daddy Pig: Th- thank you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Don’t mention it, that’s what friends are for.
Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are now friends.
SpongeBob: Wh- what? (looks around) Who said that?
Daddy Pig: Oh thank fuck you hear it too, you have no idea how long I’ve been worried for.
SpongeBob: …what?
Daddy Pig: Oh it’s just an ominous voice that follows me around wherever I go and repeats things, you’ll get used to it.
Narrator: Daddy Pig explains to SpongeBob that he hears voices.
Daddy Pig: See what I mean?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: So… what now?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Huh. I don’t know. I’m just glad everything seems to be working out for me. In fact… I think I feel a song coming on!
Gary: Oh no.
Daddy Pig: My name is Daddy Pig
And I am proud to be
Right here in my new town
With my new family
There’s old friends, and new friends, and even Scott the Woz
Scott the Woz: Hey all-
Daddy Pig: Through good times and bad times it’s true love we share
And so I’ve found a place
Where everyone will know
My bearded glasses face
This is the Daddy Pig show!
[Cut to SpongeBob in the future telling this story to his grandkids.]
SpongeBob: And that... is how I met Daddy Pig.
[Pause. SpongeBob's grandkids faint.]
==== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E2: A Very, Merry, Holly, Jolly Daddy Pig Christmas [December 22, 2021] {thatjess} ====
[Establishing shot of the Krusty Krab. It is snowing outside and the restaurant has been decorated for Christmas. SpongeBob is on his lunch break and is eating with Patrick.]
Patrick: SpongeBob, do you think Santa’s a pedophile?
SpongeBob: Patrick what the fuck-
Patrick: No, no, hear me out. Listen, he spies on children, right? And he knows where they all live. And he breaks into all their houses every year and leaves them presents!
SpongeBob: Patrick I really don’t think-
Patrick: I’m just saying it seems kinda sus, don’t you think?
[Mr. Krabs walks over.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Yer’ve got five moar minits until yer break’s up!
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs, we’re just finishing up!
[Patrick looks over to someone walking in the restaurant.]
Patrick: Hey, isn’t that the big fat guy that’s been living at your place, SpongeBob?
[Daddy Pig walks over.]
Daddy Pig: Hello everyone!
Narrator: Daddy Pig has come to eat at The Krusty Krab.
Patrick: Hey, it’s the funny invisible guy that follows him around too!
Narrator: The SpongeBob characters aren’t used to have a narrator around saying the obvious every five seconds.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you didn’t tell me ye found yerself a boyfriend!
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, he’s not my boyfriend, Mr. Krabs, that’s Daddy Pig from the hit television series Peppa Pig! He’s living with me while he, uh… sorts some issues out.
Mr. Krabs: Well, it’s very nice to meet ya, Daddy Pig.
[Mr. Krabs and Daddy Pig shake hands.]
Daddy Pig: Well, it’s nice to meet you too I guess.
SpongeBob: Oh, Daddy Pig, that’s my boss Mr. Krabs. …hey, shouldn’t you be at work too?
Daddy Pig: Oh, I clogged the toilet so I called a sick day before anyone could find out it was me.
SpongeBob: Ew…
Daddy Pig: I don’t have this big tummy for nothing! (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: Say… you ‘’do’’ have a big tummy!
Daddy Pig: Well, it’s not ‘’that’’ big…
Patrick: It is ‘’quite’’ big.
Daddy Pig: My tummy is ‘’not’’ big!
[Mr. Bull walks by.]
Mr. Bull: No offence mate, but your tummy’s so big you could see it from out of space! (walks off laughing)
Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like it when people make fun of his big tummy.
Daddy Pig: ‘’’’’I DON’T HAVE A BIG TUMMY!!!’’’’’
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Sorry Mr. Pig, I only brought it up because I just thought we could, you know… make some “business” out of it.
Daddy Pig: What do you mean?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I was just thinking, with that, um… small, regular sized tummy of yours you could be a valuable member of The Krusty Krab team.
Daddy Pig: Hm… I don’t know. I mean I work harder than Grandad Dog five days a week at the office.
Mr. Krabs: Oh no! We’d only need you on weekends. You see, Christmas is coming up and we’re still looking for someone to play Santa Claus. You know, for the kids.
Daddy Pig: Who’s Santa Claus?
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh, that’s a good one, Mr. Pig!
Daddy Pig: No, I’m serious!
SpongeBob: Wait… you don’t know who Santa is?!
Patrick: You are missing out, dude.
Mr. Krabs: You know, he’s the big fat- I mean, slim guy who flies around the world on Christmas Eve bringing presents to everyone in the world!
Daddy Pig: ‘’OH!’’ You mean Father Christmas!
Patrick: Who the fuck is Father Christmas? Some kind of priest?!
Daddy Pig: You know, Mr. Krabs, I would ‘’love’’ to play Father Christmas!
Mr. Krabs: Great!
Daddy Pig: I mean, now that I’m not looking after my children I don’t have anything better to do and I could use the extra money! How much you paying per hour?
Mr. Krabs: Um… we’ll talk about that later. But now this is settled, I just need ya to come into me office and… ‘’sign a few contracts’’.
Daddy Pig: (gulp)
[Cut to The Krusty Krab on Saturday. There is a huge line stretching across town of people waiting to meet “Santa”.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here… and I’m in the queue to meet Santa! No reason, just felt like it.
Miss Rabbit: Oh my God, I so can’t wait to meet Father Christmas! I’m such a big stan, you know?! We’ve all been making sure to stream Jingle Bells this year, right? Right?
[Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob waiting outside a toilet stall for Daddy Pig to finish changing.]
Daddy Pig: Um… I don’t think the costume quite fits, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Of course it fits! I bought the biggest size they had! Just hurry up already! Have you seen how big the line is? I’m gonna make a killing off of this!
SpongeBob: (worried) Mr. Krabs, are you really sure it’s a good idea to lie to everyone about Daddy Pig being the real Santa Claus? I mean… it’s kinda sorta fraud we’re doing here.
Mr. Krabs: Aw, don’t worry SpongeBob. I’m sure Santa doesn’t mind.
SpongeBob: …really?
Mr. Krabs: Of course! Why would he mind? He’s a busy man, he doesn’t have time for this sort of thing. Everyone knows that!
SpongeBob: (smiles) Oh, okay!
[Daddy walks out of the stall dressed as Santa.]
Daddy Pig: Okay, I think I’m ready now.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is dressed just like Father Christmas!
Mr. Krabs: Great! Now, what about you, Mr. Squidward? Are ‘’you’’ ready?
[Squidward walks out of the stall next to Daddy Pig’s dressed as an elf.]
Squidward: (frowning) Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas one and all.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Mr. Squidward! Do you not have ‘‘any’’ Christmas spirit?!
[Pause. Squidward sighs.]
Squidward: (pretending to be happy) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, the kids’ll buy it.
[Cut to the line of parents and children waiting outside the restaurant for Mr. Krabs to open the doors.]
Nat Peterson: Hey! What’s the hold up? We’ve been waiting in line for hours!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gee Lois we’ve been waiting here longer than CrazySponge’s dick when he sees Roxa-
[Mr. Krabs kicks the doors open. In the background Daddy Pig (dressed as Santa) is seen moving over to sit on a Christmas-themed throne where Squidward’s boat should be.]
Mr. Krabs: Heh-heh. Sorry for the hold-up, folks! Santy Claus was stuck in a bit of a traffic jam coming all the way here from the North Pole!
Danny Dog: Hey doesn’t his magic reindeer pull him on his sleigh through the sky?
Mr. Krabs: His reindeer, um… died. But never mind that, it’s time to meet Santa Claus!
[Everyone cheers as they rush into the restaurant to meet Santa. There is a roped queue across the restaurant all the way to Santa’s throne. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward at the back of the queue with Daddy Pig. Squidward is talking to the first customer.]
Squidward: Alright, so it’s twenty dollars to meet Santa, an extra fifty if you want to get the big man’s autograph, and an extra ten if you want to take a photo. For fifteen dollars we do do quote unquote “professional photos” with a camera Mr. Krabs bought from the dollar store… if you’re interested in that.
Mummy Pony: Um… I think we’ll just meet Santa.
Squidward: You’re really blowing the banks today, aren’t you?
[Mummy Pony pays Squidward and Pedro Pony, in a cowboy costume, runs over to Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Ho, ho, ho! I’m Father Christmas!
Pedro Pony: Bullshit
Daddy Pig: Eh, what?
Pedro Pony: I know you’re just some fat fucker in a costume.
Daddy Pig: I am ‘’’’’NOT’’’’’ a fat fucker!
Pedro Pony: Hey… aren’t you Peppa’s dad?
Daddy Pig: Er… I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m Father Christmas! Ho ho- (his fake beard falls off) oh shit.
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig has been outed as a fat liar.
Daddy Pig: ‘’’’’I AM NOT A FAT LIAR!!!’’’’’
[Daddy Pig puts his fake beard back on.]
Daddy Pig: I mean, merry Christmas everyone!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) What would you like for Christmas, kid?
[Pedro sits on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Pedro Pony: Well… “Father Christmas”, I would like an AK-47 to go with my cowboy costume! I already asked my mum, but she said it wasn’t very child friendly.
Daddy Pig: Um… well, I’m not sure about tha-
Pedro Pony: Do it or I’ll leak your nudes all over Twitter dot com!
Daddy Pig: Alright, alright! I’ll get you the AK-47!
Pedro Pony: (giggles) Thanks, Santa! You’re the best!
Mummy Pony: Smile for the camera now, Pedro!
[Daddy Pig and Pedro smile as Mummy Pony takes a photo with her phone.]
Squidward: That’ll be an extra ten dollars, ma’am.
[Mummy Pony groans as she hands over the money. Pedro Pony happily skips off with her.]
Squidward: Alright, who’s next?
[Cut to SpongeBob talking with Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: Aw, it just warms my heart to see all the joy we’re bringing to the children of Bikini Bottom! …and Peppa Pig World, apparently.
Mr. Krabs: Well we are neighboring towns now. And you know, this warms my heart too, boy-o. And my wallet!
[Mr. Krabs starts laughing, SpongeBob half-confusingly joins in. Cut to Scott the Woz sitting on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Scott the Woz: -and I’d like another copy of Flingsmash, one this isn’t wet this time, and one of those Chia Pet things, I broke all my other ones, and some more Madden 08, but please for the love of all that’s holy please don’t get me Madden 09 because I d-
Squidward: Alright, your time’s up. Can we move it along please people?
Scott the Woz: Ugh, fine…
[Scott sulks as he walks off.]
Squidward: Next!
[Mummy Pig approaches with Peppa and George.]
Narrator: Peppa and George have come to meet Father Christmas.
Squidward: Two children? That’ll be forty dollars, ma’am.
Mummy Pig: (handing over the money) Now, George here has autism so please be kind to him.
Narrator: George has autism.
Squidward: …whatever.
[Peppa and George skip over to Daddy Pig.]
Peppa: (giggles) Hi, Father Christmas!
Daddy Pig: Er… hi Peppa and George!
Peppa: (gasp) He knows our names, Mummy!
Daddy Pig: I- well- of course I do! I’m Father Christmas!
Narrator: Peppa and George think Daddy Pig is Father Christmas!
Peppa: What did he just say?
Daddy Pig: Er- nothing! Nothing! Now, what would you two like for Christmas this year?
George: Dinosaur! Grrr!
Peppa: Oh George! You always say dinosaur for ‘’everything’’!
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! Well, Santa will see what he can do. And Peppa, what would ‘’you’’ like for Christmas this year?
Peppa: Well… all I ‘’really’’ want for Christmas this year is for Suzy to come back.
Narrator: Suzy Sheep is dead.
Peppa: It’s just not the same without her, and I’m missing her every day!
Narrator: Peppa and Suzy were in lesbians with each other.
Peppa: I just… I just don’t know why they had to murder her like that.
[Peppa starts crying on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Narrator: Peppa has started to cry on Daddy Pig’s lap.
Daddy Pig: It’s… it’s okay, Peppa. Father Christmas can’t make Suzy to come back… but everything is going to be okay…
[Pause.]
Peppa: You really think so?
Daddy Pig: Of course, Peppa…
[Pause.]
Peppa: Oh yeah, I’d also like my daddy back.
Daddy Pig: Wait, what?
Peppa: Yeah! A few weeks ago they had this BIG argument and mummy kicked him out of the house! She was saying things like “you know exactly what you’ve fucking done, you fucking fucker”, and “one-time thing my ass, you bloody git! Nothing you do can unfuck the Christmas turkey now, you twat!”
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig won’t be able to spend Christmas with his family this year.
Peppa: You can bring daddy back, can’t you Santa?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Hm… I’ll see what I can do.
[Bubble transition to an exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple decorated for Christmas. It is heavily snowing. Cut to the inside, where a large cast of characters have gathered around the table for Christmas dinner.]
Narrator: It is Christmas Day. All of SpongeBob’s friends have come to celebrate.
Patrick: Ugh, when is the food gonna be ready? I’m starving!
SpongeBob: (yelling from the kitchen) I’m almost done, Patrick! This Tesco Turkey doesn’t fuck itself, you know.
Mr. Krabs: Nothing you do can un-Tesco the Tesco Turkey.
Mr. Bull: Hey guys, calm down! They’re just about to announce this year’s Christmas number one!
[Everyone shuts up as Mr. Bull turns the radio up.]
Peter Griffin: (on radio) Hey Lois, remember that time I hosted the Christmas charts radio show? Heheheheheheh… anyway, I am very happy to announce that this year’s Christmas number one is… Boris Johnson Is A Sausage Roll by the K**ts!
[Everyone cheers, except Daddy Pig.]
Mr. Bull: WHOOOO! FUCK YEAH!
Scott the Woz: God, I love free speech.
Squidward: Boris Johnson really is a sausage roll!
Mr. Krabs: I just knew we could do it!
Daddy Pig: Meh.
Mr. Bull: What’s the matter, Daddy Pig? You’re not saying you actually ‘’like’’ the Tories, do you?
Daddy Pig: No, no, they stink. It’s just that… something just feels weird about Christmas this year.
Mr. Krabs: (sigh) I know mate, this must be hard for you. I mean, it’s the first Christmas without your family.
Pearl: Oh my God, having Christmas without your family is like so super duper lame guys.
Narrator: Even though this show is written by a female, it apparently does not know how to write female characters.
[SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Hey, what’s the matter Daddy Pig?
Patrick: He’s missing his family or something, I don’t fucking know.
Daddy Pig: It’s just… you know, I thought Mummy Pig and I might have made up by now.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… maybe Mummy Pig and you haven’t made up yet… but I’d say you’re not missing Christmas with your family at all!
Daddy Pig: What do you mean? My entire extended family are having Christmas dinner at my house without me, you bastard!
SpongeBob: No, no, I just mean… don’t you think you’ve got a new family right here?
[Pause. Daddy Pig looks across the table. He looks at SpongeBob, and Patrick, and Squidward, and Mr. Krabs, and Scott the Woz…]
Daddy Pig: You know what, SpongeBob, I think you’re right! I’ve got my family right here!
SpongeBob: You bet you have, pal!
Daddy Pig: And you know what else, SpongeBob?
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I think I’ve finally figured out the true meaning of Christmas! It’s not about the presents, or the snow, or Santa Claus…
SpongeBob: …it’s about the friends and family you share it with!
Daddy Pig: What? Hell no! It’s about realising that I’m better off without that filthy cheating bitch Mummy Pig and that I’ve got everything I need right here!
SpongeBob: Um, I don’t think that’s-
Daddy Pig: Yeah! You what, everyone? I think this might have just been the best Christmas ever!
SpongeBob: …well, um. I’m glad you feel that way, Daddy Pig! Now, who’s hungry?!
[Everyone raises their hands and cheers as the camera pans out of the house and into the night sky. Santa flies by on his sleigh or some shit I don't fucking know. The end.]
== 2022 ==
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E3: Notorious P.I.G. [January 14, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of a gym in Peppa Pig World. It is night. A familiar face is leaving.
Narrator: This is Peppa’s playgroup teacher, Madame Gazelle. She is leaving the gym.
[Madame Gazelle walks across the parking lot to her car, only to find that her tires have been stolen.]
Narrator: Oh dear! Someone has stolen the tires on Madame Gazelle’s car!
Madame Gazelle: Oh for fuck’s sake!
[Madame Gazelle looks off into the distance to see a group of kids running off with her tires.]
Madame Gazelle: YOU FUCKING EEJITS! YOU TWATS THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLEVER, DON’T YOU?! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU FUCKING WANKERS! WHY I OUGHTA GO OVER TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSES AND GIVE YOU A BLOODY GOOD- (sighs) this can’t be happening to me…
[Mrs. Puff walks over to see what’s wrong with Madame Gazelle.]
Narrator: Mrs. Puff has walked over to see what’s wrong with Madame Gazelle.
Mrs. Puff: You alright love?
Madame Gazelle: Yeah I’m alright, IF YOU CALL HAVING A BLOODY CAR WITH NO FUCKING TIRES ALRIGHT!
Narrator: Madame Gazelle is pissed off.
Mrs. Puff: Oh my. How’d this happen?
Madame Gazelle: Ugh. Stupid hormonal teenagers I guess. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t think I have any spares or anything.
Mrs. Puff: Aw, I don’t think I have any on me either. Hey, I’ll tell you what we’re going to do, we’re going to call Grandad Dog’s Breakdown Service and to thank you for joining me on that spin class, bill’s on me.
Narrator: Mrs. Puff is going to call Grandad Dog’s Breakdown Service to put new tires on Madame Gazelle’s car.
Madame Gazelle: Oh my God, you sure love?
Mrs. Puff: Yeah sure, don’t worry about it. My boat needs refilling anyway.
[Cut to Madame Gazelle riding in the passenger seat of Mrs. Puff’s boat, following Grandad Dog carrying Madame Gazelle’s car to his station.]
Madame Gazelle: …so… I’m sorry, heh, I don’t think I ever got your name?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, oh right I’m so sorry. It’s Poppy. Poppy Puff.
Madame Gazelle: Madame Gazelle.
[Pause]
Mrs. Puff: Yeah?
[Pause]
Madame Gazelle: That’s it, that’s my name.
Mrs. Puff: Your first name is “Madame”?
Madame Gazelle: …yeah.
Mrs. Puff: (smirks) Sorry I just thought you were like a teacher or something.
Madame Gazelle: Oh! Funny enough I am actually! I teach preschool.
Mrs. Puff: Oh my God! That’s so funny! I run my own boating school.
Madame Gazelle: (laughs) Really?! That’s such a coincidence! Just look at us, two teachers chilling together… on our way to a petrol station to get new tires.
[Cut to the three at Grandad Dog’s station.]
Narrator: Grandad Dog is fitting Madame Gazelle’s car with brand new tires.
Madame Gazelle: So sorry for the trouble, Grandad Dog.
Grandad Dog: (barks) No worries at all, it’s my job after all innit bruv? Not yer fault some clowns stole yer tires. Someone oughta be watching those kids I tell ya. It’s a pleasure to serve ya, we’ve known each other since… well, since the Focking Gazelles!
[Pause.]
Mrs. Puff: Since the what?
Grandad Dog: Blimey! You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of the Focking Gazelles?
Mrs. Puff: What the fuck are the Fucking Gazelles?
Madame Gazelle: Oh, it was just a small rock group I was in a load of decades ago before I decided to follow my passion of teaching, it’s no big deal…
Mrs. Puff: Oh wow! I’ve never met anyone famous before!
Madame Gazelle: Well, I’m not that famous…
Mrs. Puff: Could you sing a song please?
Madame Gazelle: Oh, no no, I haven’t performed in front of anyone in decades! Well, I guess there is this one song I like to sing…
Grandad Dog: Please sing us a song, Madame Gazelle!
Madame Gazelle: (blushes) Well, I don’t kn-
Mrs. Puff: Come on! Just one song!
Madame Gazelle: Well I would but I don’t even have a guitar on me!
[Pedro and Mr. Pony walk out of the gas station. Pedro is dressed as a cowboy and holding a guitar.]
Pedro Pony: You could use mine, Miss! (hands her his guitar)
Madame Gazelle: Um… well, alright then.
[Everyone cheers.]
Madame Gazelle: This is… this is a song I like to sing with my pupils sometimes… I- I get a little emotional over it sometimes, the lyrics are so meaningful to me. Please bare with me if I start crying…
[Madame Gazelle strums her guitar.]
🎵OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!🎵
🎵We’re playing a tune, and we’re singing a song,🎵
🎵With a bing🎵
🎵And a bong🎵
🎵And a bing…🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[Suddenly Ian Hawke from the fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks movies rolls up into the gas station. He gets out of his car and stars and Madame Gazelle singing, fixated. By this point Mrs. Puff has also joined in singing.]
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[The two stop singing. Ian approaches the group, slowly clapping. Everyone looks at Ian in confusion.]
Ian Hawke: Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. Just wow.
Madame Gazelle: Aren’t you the guy who stole the chipmunks?
Ian Hawke: Um…. yeah. I’m the guy who stole the chipmunks. And you are retired guitarist and vocalist for the Fucking Gazelles! And you, (points to Mrs. Puff) I have no idea who you are. But your voice sounds profitable so I like you.
Grandad Dog: (barks) What do you want?
Ian Hawke: That… is a good question, old man. You see I’m an executive at JETT Records, that’s J for JETT Records, E for JETT Records, T for JETT Records, and T for JETT Records. As the name implies we make music, and I can see that you girls do too.
Madame Gazelle: What are you suggesting?
Ian Hawke: Well… I’m just thinking you know, nostalgia is all the rage nowadays and a retired singer coming back and making new music with a new accomplice would make a lot of money, hmmm?
Mrs. Puff: Y- you wanna be our manager?
Ian Hawke: Something like that.
Madame Gazelle: I- heh, look Mr. Guy Who Stole the Chipmunks, I’m flattered but I don’t sing anymore. I’m a teacher now, it’s my passion!
Ian Hawke: (laughs) You’re a teacher, eh? How much you making?
Madame Gazelle: Um… twenty thousand a year?
Ian Hawke: TWENTY THOUSAND?! What if I told you you could be making up to seventy million?
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: It’s a deal!
Ian Hawke: I’m glad we’re on the same page, girls. Welcome to JETT Records.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob’s pineapple. Daddy Pig and Gary the Snail are on the couch watching TV and eating pizza.]
Gary: Oh my God I just fucking hate minorities.
[SpongeBob walks by the couch wearing a backpack on his back.]
Daddy Pig: Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want this pizza I ordered?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Daddy Pig, I’d love to stay but I’ve got boating school!
Daddy Pig: …school? …on a Saturday?
SpongeBob: Yeah, I love it! It’s my first day back since Christmas!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, listen kid, school’s just a big waste of time. I mean, look at me! I failed most of my exams and I turned out just fine!
[Gary glances down at Daddy Pig’s big tummy.]
SpongeBob: Uh…. yeah… Anyway, see you in like seven hours I guess!
Daddy Pig: Oh, see you then!
[SpongeBob runs out the door.]
Daddy Pig: (turns to Gary) So, what were you saying?
[Bubble transition to an exterior shot of Mrs. Puff’s Boating School. SpongeBob skips down the hallway humming to himself. He enters the classroom and is greeted by Mrs. Puff, if Mrs. Puff was the substitute teacher from “Mrs. Puff, You’re Fired”: Sergeant Roderick.]
Sarge: (grimacing) Hello there….
[SpongeBob stops in his tracks.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mrs. Puff?! You’re a… trans dude?
Sarge: What? No? You remember me, right?
SpongeBob: Not really, I’ve been coming to this school for twenty years, I’ve seen a lot of faces. Where’s Mrs. Puff?
Sarge: Mrs. Puff is… she’s in a better place now.
SpongeBob: (gasps) First Suzy Sheep and now Mrs. Puff?
[SpongeBob falls to the floor and starts bawling.]
SpongeBob: THEY TOOK HER TOO SOON!!!
[SpongeBob runs out of the room crying.]
Sarge: Huh… I guess someone really doesn’t like the music industry.
[Cut back to SpongeBob’s living room. Daddy Pig and Gary are still on the couch watching TV and eating pizza.]
Gary: No, I’m not saying I don’t like nematodes, I just don’t think they should have rights!
[SpongeBob runs in crying and slams the door.]
SpongeBob: HOLY CRAP! MRS. PUFF IS DEAD!
[SpongeBob falls face-first on the floor. His tears elevate him all the way up to the ceiling.]
Daddy Pig: Who’s Mrs. Puff?
Gary: Papa Bob’s boating teacher.
Daddy Pig: Does she have an OnlyFans?
Gary: She’s dead.
Daddy Pig: Oh…
[SpongeBob’s flood of tears stops and SpongeBob falls to the floor again. He picks himself up and wipes his face.]
SpongeBob: I just can’t believe she’s gone… She can’t be gone! I’d give anything to see her face again!
[Suddenly Mrs. Puff appears on the TV.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) MRS. PUFF!
[SpongeBob hugs the TV.]
SpongeBob: Oh, I knew you weren’t dead! I knew it knew it knew it!!
Gary: Hey, can you get out of the way? You’re blocking the view.
[SpongeBob steps back from the TV.]
SpongeBob: Heh. Sorry.
[Cut to a shot of the TV feed. Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle are on a news show opposite reporters Charlene White.]
Charlene White (on TV): Now this is unexpected, over the last couple of weeks former guitarist of the famous pop group “The Fucking Gazelles” Madame Gazelle has made a surprise solo comeback with new partner in crime Poppy Puff.
Daddy Pig: (stands up and points at the TV) Jew-fucking-Wario! That’s Peppa and George’s teacher! Someone I know is on TV!
Gary: Congrats, do you want a medal?
Charlene White (on TV): The duo’s debut single “The Bing Bong Song” debuted last week and quickly became the most streamed number one single in history. Madame Gazelle and Poppy join us now, hello darlings.
Madame Gazelle: Hi!
Mrs. Puff: Oh my word this is so exciting. I’ve never been on TV before!
Charlene White: Now tell us girls, where did the idea for your debut single come from?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, well you see it was all Madame Gazelle’s idea really.
Madame Gazelle: The Bing Bong Song has a very deep and meaningful place in my heart. You see, after The Fucking Gazelles broke up, I was recluse for years. We had some creative differences and we just had to go our separate ways, and I was depressed because of it. But then, one day, JewWario himself appeared before me and, oh my, he changed my life. He told me all about the bing, and the bong, and the bing, and suddenly it all came clear to me. And then I woke up in hospital and was told I had a drug overdose, but it was okay because I got out and pursued a career in teaching!
Charlene White: Wow… that’s amazing. So what made you go back to music then?
Madame Gazelle: The money.
Mrs. Puff: Yeah! You know we met at a spin class and we just like started playing and vibing together I guess, and then this sweaty guy came up to us and said we could be making seventy million out of this and, well, here we are! (laughs)
SpongeBob: I can’t believe it… Mrs. Puff ditched me… for seventy million dollars! What kind of idiot takes an opportunity like that?!
Charlene White (on TV): …so, after the success of The Bing Bong Song, what are your next plans in terms of your discography?
Mrs. Puff: Oh! We’ve got a whole album planned! Most of the songs are already all written out!
Madame Gazelle: We’re going over to JETT Records later to record a whole bunch of stuff. You see we’ve got The Bing Bong Song 2, The Bing Bong Song 3, and then we’re gonna be fancy and release a prequel actually called The Bing Bong Song -1, which is a good one to look forward to if you’re keen on your Bing Bong Song lore-
[SpongeBob turns the TV off.]
SpongeBob: Alright, I’ve had enough of this. Guys, we gotta get Mrs. Puff back!
Gary: …why?
Daddy Pig: Yeah, why?
SpongeBob: Because… because… I don’t like change, okay?!
Daddy Pig: (sigh) Look SpongeBob… I know change is hard but it’s inevitable. You just gotta accept it sometimes, you know? This Mrs. Puff guy seems pretty happy right now. Maybe we should just let things b-
[Someone bangs on the front door.]
Daddy Pig: Now who could that be?
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary answer the door to find Mr. Pony and Pedro standing there.]
Daddy Pig: Oh, Mr. Pony! How you doing?
Mr. Pony: Eh, I could be better.
Daddy Pig: Have you seen the news?
Mr. Pony: Have I seen the news? It’s fucking everywhere, of course I have! We gotta get Madame Gazelle back!
Gary: But why?
Pedro Pony: No Madame Gazelle means no teacher for us, which sounds like a good thing, but our new teacher keeps looking at me funny…
Mr. Pony: His name’s Mr. Renaud or something.
[Pause. Daddy Pig and Gary look at eachother.]
Daddy Pig and Gary: Let’s roll.
[Dramatic music plays and the group literally jump into the car, put their seatbelts on (duh) and start drivi-]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
SpongeBob: Why is Scott the Woz here?
Scott the Woz: No reason, just felt like it.
Mr. Pony: That works for me.
[The dramatic music continues and the group drives off. Cut the group walking into the JETT Records reception.]
Pedro Pony: So… what exactly is our plan?
Mr. Pony: I have no idea, son.
[The group approach the receptionist.]
Receptionist: Hi! Welcome to JETT Records, how may I-
[Gary fucking shoots the receptionist with a gun.]
Narrator: Oh dear. Gary the Snail has murdered the receptionist.
Gary: Problem solved.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Le- let’s just ignore that.
Mr. Pony: Let’s never bring this up ever again.
[The group rush into the elevator.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my, look at all these buttons. What floor are Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff on?
Mr. Pony: I have no idea.
Narrator: Mr. Pony really didn’t think this plan through.
SpongeBob: Heh. Guess we just have to try them all until we find her.
(Time Card: “Two Hours Later…”)
[Cut to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff in a recording booth. The two take their headphones off, and look over to the window where Ian Hawke is listening to their vocals.]
Ian Hawke: Alright, very good girls, but I think we just need to try the chorus one more time. We’ve got too much bing, and not enough bong.
[Daddy Pig kicks the fucking the door down. The group enters.]
Mr. Pony: (out of breath) THANK FUCK! THEY’RE HERE!
Daddy Pig: And it only took us fifty-two floors as well! Ho-ho!
Ian Hawke: Hey, um, excuse me… who are you all again?
SpongeBob: Oh, my name’s SpongeBob SquarePants. You may know me from the show SpongeBob SquarePants. And this is my pet snail Gary, and that’s Daddy Pig, and tha-
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob! What the hell are you doing here!
SpongeBob: Oh hi, Mrs. Puff! We came to rescue you from this evil corporation! Quick! If we take off now we could get away before anyone catches us!
Madame Gazelle: Evil? This place isn’t evil! We’re just recording a collaboration with Ariana Grande, we’re gonna be filthy rich!
Pedro Pony: Wait… so you don’t want to come back, miss?
Madame Gazelle: Aw, I’m sorry Pedro, I loved teaching you but this is my new life now. I like it here!
Mr. Pony: But- but I thought teaching was your passion!
Madame Gazelle: Heh, well it was… and then I came here and now I’m actually getting paid!
Ian Hawke: Teachers are really underpaid, it's not even funny.
Narrator: Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff don’t want to go home.
SpongeBob: …huh, okay… I- I didn’t really think it would be that hard to convince them.
Gary: (sigh) …alright, there’s only one thing we can do then. (cocks his shotgun)
SpongeBob: GARY, NO!!!
Mr. Pony: Wait, there’s a Plan B!
Mrs. Puff: Plan B?
Mr. Pony: Madame Gazelle, Mrs. Puff… we challenge you to a sing-off!
Madame Gazelle: (gasp) A sing-off?
Mr. Pony: If you win, we fuck off and you never see us again. If we win, everything goes back to the way it was eleven Google Doc pages ago.
Mrs. Puff: What?! We can’t agree to those conditions!
Ian Hawke: Ha! The pony thinks he can sing, how cute. We accept your challenge!
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: What?!
Ian Hawke: It’ll be a piece of cake, girls, trust me.
Pedro Pony: But daddy, you can’t sing!
Mr. Pony: I know I can’t, but Daddy Pig can!
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?!
Mr. Pony: Come on, Daddy Pig! Why did you think we brought you here in the first place?!
Daddy Pig: But… but… I can’t sing! All I do is sit on the settee all day and watch the tele-box!
Mr. Pony: But you can rap, can’t you?
Daddy Pig: Well… I do suppose I am a bit of an expert at throwing down on the track and spitting some bars.
Mr. Pony: Perfect! Now all we need are some unbiased judges!
Scott the Woz: I think that can be arranged.
SpongeBob: Heh, I forgot you were here.
Scott the Woz: Me too. I just need to…
[Scott the Woz takes his phone out and sends a couple text messages. Suddenly Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs climb in through the window.]
Jeb Jab: It’s the Gex fucks! Anyone up for round Gex?
Rex Mohs: Hey, I thought this was the anti-sex convention!
Scott the Woz: Okay, I’m just speaking theoretically here, but what if I lied about both of those things to you, and I actually needed you here to help me judge a sing-off?
Rex Mohs: Eh, I’ve got no plans for today.
Jeb Jab: Yeah, same. I was just planning to play Gex all day.
Rex Mohs: God I hate that lizard.
Ian Hawke: Great! Then we can begin. We’ll have these fuckers out of the building in no time…
Narrator: It is time for the sing-off to begin.
Ian Hawke: Ladies first… Let’s show them how it’s done girls…
Madame Gazelle: Okay… you ready, Puff?
Mrs. Puff: As ready as I’ll ever be.
Ian Hawke: Okay, and a one, and a two, and a-
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: 🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[Scott the Woz, Jeb Jab and Rex Mohs give a small applause.]
Jeb Jab: Whooo!
Rex Mohs: Eh, I’d say it has too much bing and not enough bong. Six out of ten.
Scott the Woz: Yeah, same. Madden 0-eight out of ten.
Jeb Jab: That was the best Gex I’ve ever Gex’d. Two out of ten.
Ian Hawke: Ha! That’s… well I can’t be bothered to do the Math but I assume that’s a good score on average. You guys have no chance, take it away Daddy Pig!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Um…
Narrator: Daddy Pig is a bit shy.
SpongeBob: Go on, Daddy Pig! Show them what you’ve got!
Mr. Pony: Yeah! Show them who you really are, Notorious P.I.G.!
Daddy Pig: Well… okay….
[Daddy Pig steps forward and rap music starts playing.]
Daddy Pig: Okay…. here goes…. (clears throat)
🎵DADDY PIG UP IN THIS HOEEEEEEEEE🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLLLLL🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK THAT DADDY PIG THAT SUPERMAN THAT OHHHHH🎵
🎵NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH🎵
🎵I’M JOCKING ON YOUR BITCH ASS🎵
🎵AND IF WE GET TO FIGHTING THEN I’M COCKING ON YOUR BITCH ASS🎵
🎵YOU CATCH ME AT YOUR LOCAL PARTY🎵
🎵YES I CRANK IT EVERYDAY🎵
🎵HATERS GETTING MAD CAUSE I GOT ME SOME BATHING APES🎵
🎵DADDY PIG UP IN THIS HOEEEEEEEEE🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLLLLL🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK THAT DADDY PIG THAT SUPERMAN THAT OHHHHH🎵
🎵NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH🎵
[Mic drop. Everyone stands in awe for a few seconds, before bursting into a round of applause.]
Scott the Woz: I think it’s clear who our winner is.
Jeb Jab: NOW THAT’S FUCKING GEX!
Rex Mohs: Meh, Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff were better but only one of those songs had Daddy Pig.
Scott the Woz: Congratulations, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: …oh my God! Really? Did I actually win?
SpongeBob: You bet you did, buddy!
Daddy Pig: Holy fuck… what do I win?
Scott the Woz: NOTHING!
Mrs. Puff: (sigh) …so… does this mean we have to go back to teaching?
Madame Gazelle: (sigh) I guess so.
[Everyone cheers.]
Pedro Pony: Everyone really missed you, Madame Gazelle.
SpongeBob: And I missed you too, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: I can’t believe I’m going to be teaching ‘’SpongeBob’’ for all of eternity.
SpongeBob: I know! Isn’t it great?!
Madame Gazelle: Well… I guess teaching is where I belong. It is my passion, after all.
Ian Hawke: …wow…. wow wow wow wow wow, I’m impressed at you, Mr. Pig.
Daddy Pig: Why thank you. Say, aren’t you the guy who stole the chipmunks?
Ian Hawke: Um… something like that. Say, Daddy Pig, how would you like a record deal here at JETT Records.
Daddy Pig: A record deal? For me? Why, I’d be-
SpongeBob: Come on, Daddy Pig let’s go.
Daddy Pig: But the nice man here is just about to give me lots of money!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I’m not going through all this again, let’s go…
[SpongeBob drags Daddy Pig out of the room.]
Daddy Pig: EMAIL ME!!!!
[Credits]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E5: SpongeBob Catches Autism [January 29, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Daddy Pig is on the couch in the living room watching the TV.]
Narrator: It is a gloomy and foggy day in Bikini Bottom. Daddy Pig is inside watching some television, the lazy bastard.
[SpongeBob walks in front of the TV.]
SpongeBob: Good morning!
Daddy Pig: Good morning! Could you move out of the way, please? I’m trying to watch The Jeremy Kyle Show.
SpongeBob: Oh sorry. (he does so) What’s The Jeremy Kyle Show?
Daddy Pig: Oh, it’s a show where this right old geezer Jeremy Kyle, millionaire he is, yells at a load of poor lower class British chavs to try and solve their problems! It’s well fun! On this morning’s episode, there’s this guy right, and he’s cheated on his wife! (laughs) I love some relatable tele.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: (nervously fidgeting with his hands) Hey, um… Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Yeah?
SpongeBob: I’m, heh, getting my final booster jab tomorrow for the Granolavirus and… well… you know, I’m a little queasy around needles. Could- could you please come with me?
Daddy Pig: Oh, of course! I got all my Granolavirus jabs ages ago, it’s nothing to worry about really.
SpongeBob: Thanks Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it. We’re friends, right?
[Gary the Snail slithers in.]
Gary: Ugh, I can’t believe you two. I respected you Daddy Pig, and you let those liberal sheeple brainwash you!
Narrator: Gary the Snail doesn’t like vaccines.
SpongeBob: Gary! How many times do I have to tell you? The vaccine is perfectly safe! Since when has the government ever lied to us?
Daddy Pig: May 2020 at Downing Street, December 2020 at Downing Street-
SpongeBob: You’re not helping.
Gary: You two really are absolute imbeciles sometimes. The Granolavirus is a con by the government to microchip us to steal all our personal information!
SpongeBob: For what?
Daddy Pig: Yeah, why would they need our personal information? I may sometimes be stupid, and my tummy may be slightly bigger than normal, but Daddy Pig knows to trust vaccines.
Gary: Oh my Neptune - the microchips aren’t even the worst part of these so-called “vaccines”!
Daddy Pig: So then what is the worst part?
Gary: Vaccines cause… vaccines cause…
SpongeBob: Yeah?
[Pause.]
Gary: Vaccines cause…
[Pause. Close-up shot of Gary’s mouth.]
Gary: (whispers) Autism.
[Dramatic sting.]
SpongeBob: (gulps) Autism?
Daddy Pig: Oh come on! Vaccines do not cause autism! And even if they did, having autism is no big deal at all! My son George has it and he’s perfectly fine!
SpongeBob: Isn’t he also type 2 diabetic?
Daddy Pig: That’s besides the point.
Gary: Eh, suit yourself. I’m gonna go and fight some more sheeple on Twitter.
[Gary slithers off.]
SpongeBob: I don’t know, Daddy Pig, I’m kinda scared of the vaccine now!
Daddy Pig: Don’t worry about it, SpongeBob. Everything will be fine.
SpongeBob: …really?
Daddy Pig: Of course!
SpongeBob: Well… okay. If Daddy Pig says it’s okay, it must be!
Daddy Pig: That’s the truth! Now… could I please get back to Jeremy Kyle?
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig reentering the pineapple the next day. SpongeBob has a plaster over his arm.]
SpongeBob: Wooo! That was kinda fun actually! (laughs)
Daddy Pig: See? I told you it’d be fine!
SpongeBob: You know what? I think I’m gonna go into the kitchen and make us some Krabby Patties to celebrate!
Daddy Pig: Ooh! Make mine with extra bacon!
[SpongeBob walks off to the kitchen, flapping his hands.]
SpongeBob: Woo! I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready!
[Gary slithers in.]
Gary: Hey Papa Bob. Did you get the vaccine?
SpongeBob: Yep! They gave me this cute lil plaster with this adorable kitten on it! See?
[Closeup shot of SpongeBob’s plaster.]
Gary: Mmm-hmm… so, how are you enjoying the new firmware update for your microchip?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Don’t be silly, Gary!
Gary: You… you enjoying your autism so far?
SpongeBob: (laughs) That one was even funnier! I don’t have autism!
Gary: You’re literally flapping your hands, right now… that’s a sign of autism, bro.
[Pause. SpongeBob stops flapping his hands.]
SpongeBob: Huh… that’s weird.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh well!
[SpongeBob goes back to making the Krabby Patties. He opens a cupboard and takes some raw patties out.]
SpongeBob: I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m rea-
Gary: Repeating phrases is also a sign of autism.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, good one Gary! I’ve always done that!
Gary: Sure, sure… you definitely didn’t catch on from this “vaccine” you’ve unsuspiciously got just now.
SpongeBob: Oh stop it, Gary! I do not have autism.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: But, heh… if I did have autism… what exactly would the signs be?
Gary: Hmmm… well… besides flapping your hands and repeating phrases… stomach autism is also a sign of regular autism.
SpongeBob: What’s stomach autism?
Gary: Oh, it’s where you only ever eat the same thing everyday. Everyone knows that. Like… there’s this one crazy guy I know who only ever eats Cheerios and Frozen 2 mac and cheese, except he doesn’t put the cheese in so it’s just Frozen 2 mac.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I’d love to be that guy, he sounds fun! Good thing I don’t eat the same thing everyday though.
[SpongeBob glances down at the Krabby Patties he’s started making.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh no! I do eat the same thing everyday!
Gary: (sighs) It’s just like I suspected… you have autism, dad.
SpongeBob: (shaking) I- I- I don’t know what to say, Gary, I’m kinda scared now!
Gary: (sighs again) It’s okay, I knew this would happen.
SpongeBob: But- but- just to be sure… are there any other signs of autism?
Gary: Well… I guess another sign is being hyperactive or inattentive.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, what did you say?
[Gary rolls his eyes. SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen crying.]
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG! DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What’s the matter? What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: OH IT’S HORRIBLE! I HAVE… I HAVE…
Daddy Pig: Yes? Yes?
SpongeBob: I HAVE…
[Pause. Closeup of SpongeBob’s mouth.]
SpongeBob: (whispers) Autism.
[Dramatic sting.]
Daddy Pig: You mean you didn’t already have autism?
SpongeBob: (crying) I don’t know what I’m going to do!
Daddy Pig: Okay, okay… first, calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. We just… aha! We just need to see a doctor!
SpongeBob: A doctor?
[Exterior shot of the Peppa Pig World Clinic. Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walking down the hallway to the doctors’ room. SpongeBob is once again worriedly fidgeting with his hands.]
Narrator: This is the Peppa Pig World Clinic. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have come to see if SpongeBob has autism.
SpongeBob: Doctor Brown Bear is the best doctor in town. He once did an entire home visit just because Peppa had the sniffles! He’ll know just what to do!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig sitting in Dr. Brown Bear’s office.]
Narrator: This is Doctor Brown Bear. He is a doctor. He is also brown. He is also a bear.
Dr. Brown Bear: Hello there!
Daddy Pig: Hello!
Dr. Brown Bear: Ah, Daddy Pig! Long time no see! Say, didn’t Mummy Pig kick you out of the house?
Daddy Pig: (turns red) Er… actually it’s not me who’s here to see you. It’s my friend SpongeBob.
Dr. Brown Bear: SpongeBob, eh? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before! Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?
SpongeBob: Well… heh, I got my last Granolavirus booster jab, and I think I’ve caught autism!
Dr. Brown Bear: Caught autism, eh?
SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
Daddy Pig: We’d like to get SpongeBob diagnosed please.
Dr. Brown Bear: I see…
Daddy Pig: Getting diagnosed with autism is a very long process, SpongeBob. I had to go through it all with George. Doctor Brown Bear will have to make lots of referrals, and it could take up to three years!
SpongeBob: Three years?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well, I will see what I can do… now, SpongeBob, do you have autism?
SpongeBob: Um… I think so?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well then it’s settled. You have autism.
Narrator: SpongeBob has been diagnosed with autism.
Daddy Pig: HOORAY!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig leaving the clinic.]
SpongeBob: I… I’m not sure how to feel about this. Honestly I thought getting diagnosed would make me feel a lot better.
Daddy Pig: Like I said, don’t worry SpongeBob. It really isn’t that big of a deal. Lots of people have autism and have great lives! Just look at Albert Einstein!
SpongeBob: Isn’t he deader than Suzy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: Um…
[Cut to the two walking towards SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I do feel a little better. It explains a lot I suppose.
[The two enter the house. The room is completely pitch-black.]
Daddy Pig: Wh- what happened to the lights?
[The lights suddenly turn back on. There is a large banner across the back wall of the room reading “HAPPY AUTISM”. All of SpongeBob and Daddy Pig’s friends jump out. Gary blows a party horn.]
All: HAPPY AUTISM!
SpongeBob: Aw, you guys! You really shouldn’t have!
Patrick: We heard all about your autism…
Mr. Bull: Moo! So we threw together a party!
[Squidward walks ou holding a Colin the Caterpillar cake.]
Squidward: They made me buy a Marks & Spencer’s cake.
Rex Mohs: NO!!!!
[Rex Mohs runs over and smashes the cake. Pause.]
Rex Mohs: Sorry I thought that was sex.
SpongeBob: Aw, I can’t believe it… this is the best autism diagnosis ever!
Narrator: SpongeBob loves autism. ‘’Everyone’’ loves autism!
[Everyone falls to the floor in fits of laughter.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E7: PenisMan Origins: A Very Daddy Pig Valentine's Day [February 14, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom High School in the late evening. The building is covered in Valentine’s Day decorations.]
Narrator: This is the Bikini Bottom Secondary School. Today is the day of the Valentine’s Day school dance.
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here! And tonight’s the big Valentine’s Day dance! Not to brag or anything, but I’m gonna get laid!
[Cut to the entrance to the school. Pearl and one of her friends step out of a limo and onto the red carpet leading up to the school doors in prom dresses.]
Pearl: Thanks for letting me ride with you, Nixie. My sweaty old dad was too cheap to fork out for a limo…
Nixie: Don’t mention it. It’s only the Valentine’s Day dance.
Pearl: Only the Valentine’s Day dance? Nixie, this is the one night of the year we can have a dance on Valentine’s Day!
Nixie: Yeah but it’s not like it’s the Easter dance or anything.
[The two approach the entrance. Daddy Pig is standing by the front doors in a suit.]
Daddy Pig: Evening m’ladies. The dance is in the school hall.
Narrator: Tonight, Daddy Pig is a school dance chaperone.
[Pearl and Nixie enter the school.]
Nixie: Hey, isn’t that the guy who got kicked out of his own house and is living with one of your dad’s friends?
Pearl: That’s incredibly specific, but yeah.
Nixie: Word gets around fast. Why’s he a chaperone tonight?
Pearl: Oh, apparently he slept with Miss Plourde once and they drunkenly made a tape or something, I don’t know. The word on the street is she’s blackmailing him with it, and we’re short on staff.
Narrator: Daddy Pig sleeps with a lot of people.
[Cut to the school hall, where the Valentine’s Day dance is being held. The Cha Cha Slide is blasting at full volume. Cut to the side of the hall, where Mr. Krabs, Squidward and SpongeBob are serving Krabby Patties.]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, when you said we were going to be catering at an exclusive VIP rave… I DIDN’T THINK YOU MEANT A VALENTINE’S DAY DANCE WITH HORMONALLY STRESSED TEENAGERS!!!!
Mr. Krabs: But it is an exclusive VIP rave! They don’t just let any Tom, Dick or Harry in this school you know!
[Mr. Renaud walks up to the booth.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh hey Mr. Renaud.
Mr. Renaud: Hey Eugene, I’ll just have one Krabby Patty please.
Mr. Krabs: Coming right up, my good friend!
[Mr. Renaud goes and sits down.]
Mr. Krabs: Gee, Mr. Renaud is such a nice man.
SpongeBob: Yeah! And it’s not just hormonally stressed teenagers that are here, Squidward.
Squidward: Yeah, (crosses arms) there’s us three looking like the three musketeers, if the three musketeers looked like pedophiles!
SpongeBob: (laughs) No, silly! There’s the preschoolers too!
Squidward: …preschoolers?
[Cut to Pedro Pony, Danny Dog and Freddy Fox dancing to the Cha Cha Slide in the middle of a hall. A group is gathered around them, cheering them on.]
Freddy Fox: To the left! Take it back now y’all! One hop this time!
[Cut back to the catering area.]
SpongeBob: The council has cut all the schools’ funding, so the Bikini Bottom High School and Peppa Pig World Preschool decided to merge their Valentine’s Day dances together. You know instead of outright cancelling them or whatever.
[Pause.]
Squidward: …what’s the logic in that?
SpongeBob: Just go with it.
[Three teenagers walk over to the catering area.]
Narrator: This is the late Suzy Sheep’s cousin, Charlotte Sheep, her girlfriend Nocturna, and her boy-space-friend Parker.
Charlotte Sheep: Ugh, we’ll have like three Krabby Patties or something.
SpongeBob: (salutes) Coming right up, ma’am!
[SpongeBob starts frying some patties while the three teenagers sit down. Charlotte and Nocturna start making out.]
Parker: Ew.
Nocturna: Stop it. You’re just jealous because you don’t have a date!
Charlotte Sheep: Wait, you mean you came all the way to the Valentine’s Day dance, and you don’t even have a date?
Parker: Well um… I mean do have a date… I just… I just haven’t asked her out yet, heh.
[Pause.]
Nocturna: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but face it Parker - you’re gonna be lonely forever.
Parker: I mean at least I don’t write fanfiction about two childrens’ shows for a hobby.
Nocturna: You’re gonna be lonely forever, Parker.
Parker: Hey, hey, hey! I still have a shot y’know! She doesn’t have a date tonight either.
[Pause.]
Charlotte Sheep: So… tell us. Who is this mysterious person you’re so in love with anyway?
Parker: She’s…
[Pearl and Nixie walk into the hall.]
Parker: She’s over there!
[Charlotte and Nocturna look over at the two. Close-up shot of Nixie’s jaw.]
Nocturna: Your crush is Nixie? The one with the braces?
Parker: No, no, the other one.
[Close-up shot of Pearl. Pause. Charlotte and Nocturna laugh.]
Charlotte Sheep: Oh my gosh, your crush is Pearl?
Parker: (embarrassed) Well… heh, is that a problem…?
[Pause.]
Nocturna: Ehhhhhh… I mean I approve.
Charlotte Sheep: Yeah, for a whale… she’s fit as fuck.
[SpongeBob hands the trio their Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: Here you are ladies.
Parker: Um, I’m a boy.
SpongeBob: Oh sor-
???: NO!!!!!
Rex Mohs rushes over and throws the plate of Krabby Patties against the wall.]
Rex Mohs: …sorry I thought that was a beer.
[Daddy Pig walks over.]
Daddy Pig: It’s okay mate, just don’t chaperone this dance so aggressively, okay?
Rex Mohs: Yeah… sorry. It’s just that I’ve been psychologically conditioned to have an INTENSE hatred of alcohol, drugs, violence, sex--and most importantly, sex.
Daddy Pig: It’s fine. I’ve been psychologically conditioned to hate my wife. (laughs at his own joke) Hey SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig. Wanna buy a Krabby Patty? Chaperones get their first free-
[Mr. Krabs puts one of his claws over SpongeBob’s mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: -for a slight discount! Chaperones get a slight 5% discount off their first Krabby Patty, yeah that’s what he said.
[SpongeBob yanks Mr. Krabs’ jaw off of his mouth.]
SpongeBob: Er… Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: What?
SpongeBob: You might wanna turn around.
[Daddy Pig slowly turns around. Peppa Pig is walking towards the booth.]
Daddy Pig: Oh fuck!
Squidward: What? It’s just a child.
Daddy Pig: No, you don’t understand! That’s my daughter! The one my wife who kicked me out has custody of! I haven’t talked to her since December!
[Daddy Pig grabs a Krabby Patty.]
Daddy Pig: I’ll, er, see you around SpongeBob.
[Daddy Pig runs off.]
Mr. Krabs: HEY!! YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THA-
[Suddenly, the lights dim and “Easy on Me” by Adele starts playing.]
DJ Abstinence: Alright teens… and preschoolers. It’s time to get DOWN on the floor for the couples’ dance!
Charlotte Sheep: Oh my gosh! This is totally your shot, Parker! You should ask Pearl for a dance!
Parker: Me? …y-y-y-y-y-you mean… now?
Nocturna: Yeah!
Parker: But… but… I’m scared!
Charlotte Sheep: Ugh, you’re such a wuss… I’d love to stay but this is Nocturna and I’s first dance together!
Nocturna: Smell ya later!
[Charlotte and Nocturna run off to dance together.]
Parker: (gulps) Welp… I guess this is it. I am finally going to ask Pearl out!
[Parker stands up and starts slowly walking towards Pearl.]
Parker: (thinking) There she is… I just need to go and talk to her.
[Parker keeps slowly walking towards Pearl.]
Parker: (thinking) I just need to talk to her.
[Parker keeps walking.]
Parker: (thinking) I just need to-
Pearl: Oh hi Parker.
Parker: (turns red) Oh um…… goodbye!
[Parker runs off.]
Parker: (thinking) Why the fuck did I say that? Why the fuck did I-
[Parker runs into a Science classroom and slams the door shut. He falls to the floor and starts breathing heavily for a few seconds.]
…
…
???: You okay mate?
[Parker slowly looks up. Daddy Pig is standing in front of him.]
Parker: Wh- what? You’re a chaperone, what are you doing in here?
Daddy Pig: You’re a student. What are you doing in here?
[Pause.]
Parker: I’m… heh… hiding…?
[Pause.]
Daddy: Pig: Oh thank fuck, so am I. You hiding from your daughter as well?
Parker: (stands up) I’m sixteen, do I look like I have a daughter?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! Teen pregnancies are so in right now, as the cool kids say.
Parker: We do not talk like that. Well, my friends Charlotte and Nocturna do but that’s not th poi-
Daddy Pig: Hey! I recognise this classroom!
Parker: Yeah it’s Mx. Sturgeon’s class, what’s so special about it?
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! This is the classroom I used to Science in! I did A Level Biology with Mr. Whale! How’s he doing nowadays?
Parker: He’s dead.
Daddy Pig: …oh.
Narrator: Daddy Pig went to this school a very long time ago.
Daddy Pig: Hey! It wasn’t THAT long ago! This classroom is exactly how I remember it! …except, you know, all modernised.
[Daddy Pig walks up to the teacher’s desk.]
Daddy Pig: Ha! Imagine using an electronic whiteboard. You kids will never know what’s it’s like listening to the sound of screeching chalk.
[Daddy Pig opens up the teacher’s drawer.]
Parker: Um… what are you doing?
Daddy Pig: Well, if we’re gonna be hiding from our problems here for a while, we might as well have a nose!
Parker: I- I, heh, don’t think that’s such a good idea.
Daddy Pig: …now, if I remember correctly the key to the cupboard should be… (he pulls out a key) right here! My God! I can’t believe it’s been in the same place for twenty six years!
[Daddy Pig takes the key and walks over to the classroom’s cupboard.]
Parker: Um… I really don’t think you should open that.
Daddy Pig: In all the years I went to this school, Mr. Whale never once let us look in here!
[Daddy Pig unlocks the cupboard.]
Daddy Pig: Holy fuck! It’s even better than I imagined!
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is being a bit naughty.
Parker: Look, I definitely don’t think we should-
[Daddy Pig pulls out a magic 8-ball from the cupboard.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! It’s my old magic 8-ball! I tried using this to cheat on an exam once, ho-ho!
Parker: Um, Mr. Pig, I really think you should back away from-
[Daddy Pig pulls out a flask containing some strange liquid. There are warning symbols all over the glass.]
Daddy Pig: What’s this? Looks like some kind of chemical toxin or something.
Parker: That’s um, actually a penisiam acid and I really don’t think we should be playing around with tha-
Daddy Pig: Come on! Let’s try and make a little explosion or something!
[Parker tries to grab the flask from Daddy Pig and the two start tugging on it.]
Parker: Daddy Pig, we really shouldn-
Daddy Pig: Aw come on!
Parker: But Daddy Pi-
Daddy Pig: It’s just a little liquid!
Parker: But Daddy Pig! We really shouldn’t be messing around with this stuff! It is highly poisonous and could cause a dangerous reactio-
[Daddy Pig accidentally lets go of the flask, and Parker falls to the floor. The flask follows after him, and the liquid goes all over his crotch.]
Daddy Pig: Oops.
[Parker blacks out.]
…
…
Daddy Pig: (off-screen) Hmmm, oh my God, how the fuck am I going to explain this to everyon?! I can’t call an ambulance, I could get done for child endangerment! I didn’t mean to-
[Parker’s eyes start to open. We see the room from his perspective.]
Parker: (tired) Ugh… what happened…?
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! Thank fuck you’re okay! For a second I thought I had put you into a coma!
Parker: Huh? (pause) Oh, I remember now.
[Parker stands up.]
Parker: You were messing around with some acid, and I tried to stop you and-
[Daddy Pig starts smirking.]
Parker: Why are you looking at me funny?
Daddy Pig: (giggling) Well um-
Parker: And why do I suddenly feel so horny?
Daddy Pig: (trying to hold in laughter) You, um… heh, you might want to look in the mirror.
[Parker runs over to the classroom’s window and looks at his reflection. His entire head has a giant censor bar over it.]
Parker: (worried) HOLY SHIT! I’m a- I’m a-
Daddy Pig: You’re a dickhead! (laughs)
Narrator: Oh dear. It seems Parker’s head has turned into a giant willy.
Parker: This isn’t funny!
Daddy Pig: I mean it’s kinda funny.
Parker: Ugh! This is horrible!
Daddy Pig: This is amazing! You’re like… some kind of penis man or something!
PenisMan: How the hell am I supposed to ask my crush out when… when… when I look like this!
Daddy Pig: Well I don’t know! I mean, at least no one can say you have a small willy anymore. (laughs)
PenisMan: (sighs) Okay… this is okay… everything is okay. We just- we just need to brew up and antidote or something.
[PenisMan tries to pull his hands away from the window, but they are stuck.]
PenisMan: Oh my- you have to be fucking kidding me. My hands are all… sticky!
[PenisMan keeps tugging at the window, and pulls the entire glass frame down and it smashes.]
PenisMan: Ugh! Come on! And now I have fucking super strength?!
Daddy Pig: You really are a PenisMan! (laughs)
[PenisMan stands up and angrily points at Daddy Pig.]
PenisMan: YOU! This is all your fault! If you weren’t messing about with that acid, none of this would have- wait a minute.
Daddy Pig: Look mate, I am so sorry. How was I supposed to know that you would turn into a literal dickhead?
PenisMan: No, no, don’t apologise. This is great actually, this is perfect! Don’t you see? I’m like… I’m like some kind of superhero now!
Daddy Pig: Yeah! You’re… you’re PenisMan!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: The name needs a little work, but I guess it works. Chicks love superheroes, right?
Daddy Pig: And the men do too! Have you seen Halle Berry in Catwoman? I love that film!
PenisMan: It has a 9% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Daddy Pig: WHAT?! BLASPHEMY!
???: (off-screen) AGH! TIDDLES!
[Cut to outside the high school. A tortoise is stuck up a coral tree.]
Dr. Hamster: HELP!! HELP!! MY PRECIOUS TIDDLES THE TORTOISE IS STUCK UP A TREE!
Narrator: Oh no! Tiddles the Tortoise is stuck up a tree!
[Various people rush out from the high school.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) Not Tiddles the Tortoise!
Squidward: …who the fuck is Tiddles the Tortoise?!
Dr. Hamster: MY PET TORTOISE! HE’S STUCK UP THE TREE!
[Pedro Pony comes rushing out holding an axe.]
Pedro Pony: Don’t worry! We’ll just chop the tree down!
Dr. Hamster: NO!!!!
Pearl: Ugh! It’s a tragedy! How are we going to get Tiddles out of the tree?
[The camera quickly pans over back to the Science classroom.]
PenisMan: My penis senses are tingling! Someone needs my help! PenisMan, away!
[PenisMan tries to fly off, but hits the wall.]
PenisMan: oof
[PenisMan picks himself up.]
PenisMan: PenisMan… away!
[PenisMan flies off in the opposite direction, out the window and into the outside entrance to the school.]
Peppa Pig: Look! In the sky!
Mr. Krabs: It’s a penis!
Charlotte Sheep: It’s a man!
Pearl: IT’S PENISMAN!
PenisMan: Fear not, helpless citizens! PenisMan is here to save the day!
[Everyone cheers. PenisMan flies into the tree, grabs Tiddle the Tortoise and carries him safely to the ground. He tries to let go of him, but Tiddles clings to his sticky fingers.]
PenisMan: Um… a little help please?
[Dr. Hamster grabs Tiddles from PenisMan, and places him safely in her arms. Everyone cheers.]
Dr. Hamster: Aw, Tiddles! I’m so glad you’re okay! How may I ever repay you, strange man with a penis for a head?
PenisMan: A PS5 would be nice I suppose.
Dr. Hamster: What?
PenisMan: Er- I mean, all in a day’s work for PenisMan! PenisMan, away!
[PenisMan flies off.]
Pedro Pony: Mummy, when I grow up I wanna be just like PenisMan!
Mummy Pony: (sighs) Let’s get you home, Pedro.
[Perch Perkins walks on screen.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins, reporting for Bikini Bottom News at 7. Tonight at a Valentine’s Day school dance, a pet tortoise was rescued from a tree by a strange individual with superhero-like abilities and a giant penis for a head. No, I didn’t make that up. I would like to conclude this segment but asking you what we’re all wondering: who is this “Penis Man”? And what will he do next?
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E4: Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part One [February 20, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[We see a shot of Downtown Bikini Bottom. Two male police fish are racing down the streets in their police car, chasing a decrepit crimson van. Their police siren can be heard loudly blasting.]
Police Fish #1: Wooo! This is tense, I’m sweating a little, are you sweating?
Police Fish #2: I know, we’ve almost caught him. We just need to stay focused, Eric, we just need to stay focused…
[The police car follows the van pass a red light, and then through a left turn, then a right turn, before abandoning the chase entirely. The police car goes to the left, while the crimson van does another right.]
Police Fish #1: Don’t run away, don’t run away.
Police Fish #2: We’re so close!
[The police car speeds down to the Bikini Bottom park, where the car promptly parks and the two officers run out excitedly. The first officer takes his phone and starts playing Pokémon Go.]
Police Fish #1: Holy crap man, this thing is fighting the crap out of me!
Police Fish #2: Keep trying, keep trying! Ultra ball it!
[Pokeball capture sounds can be heard.]
Police Fish #2: HOLY CRAP! FINALLY!
Police Fish #1: WE CAUGHT A TOGETIC!
[The two officers high-five, and rush back to the police car laughing.]
Police Fish #1: That was great, that was great, Louis.
Police Fish #2: Fuck yeah it was! Let’s head over to 7-Eleven and then, heh, we should probably get back to the station.
Police Fish #1: Heh, yeah.
[The police car backs up and drives off. Cut to the exterior shot of the Peppa Pig World police station. Mummy Sheep is inside talking to the receptionist.]
Mummy Sheep: I just- …I… (sighs) Are you really sure you haven’t found anything by now?
Miss Rabbit: (as the receptionist) Look, I’m sorry Mummy Sheep but we really are trying our best here.
Mummy Sheep: It’s just that… it’s just… (sighs) my darling daughter Suzy was found dead TWO whole months ago, and we still have no idea what happened! Surely we would have some clues!
Miss Rabbit: (sighs) I know, Mummy Sheep, but I can assure you that we have a lot on our plates right now. And with the Granolavirus and everything that’s going around right now, it’s even harder than usual.
Mummy Sheep: But there’s a child that was murdered! Is that not important enough to you? I mean, what the hell else could you lot be doing?
[The two police fish burst in.]
Police Fish #1: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEAHHHHHH BABY!!!
Police Fish #2: GUESS WHO JUST CAUGHT A BRAND NEW POKEMON?!!! THESE GUYS! THAT’S WHO!
[Pause.]
Miss Rabbit: (nervously laughs) Heh, heh-heh. If- if- if you’d like to take a seat please I’ll get someone to speak with you shortly.
Mummy Sheep: (groans) Alright…
[Mummy Sheep walks away from the desk and sits down on a plastic bench. She looks down to a rack of newspapers, and picks up the latest copy of the “Peppa Pig World Times”. The front page headline is something about Boris Johnson throwing a party in the middle of a pandemic. Mummy Sheep opens the paper and is greeted by the adverts section. She notices an ad in the bottom left corner featuring Mr. Potato, local celebrity and host of The Mr. Potato Show, wearing a detective hat.]
Mummy Sheep: …hmmmm………..
[Bubble transition to the exterior of Mummy Sheep’s house. Daddy Pig is cycling up the hill on SpongeBob’s unicycle. Daddy Pig is visibly exhausted.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig has come to visit Mummy Sheep on his way back home from work. Since Mummy Pig kicked him out, Daddy Pig hasn’t had a car.
[Daddy Pig reaches Mummy Sheep’s house, and hops off the unicycle and rings the Ring Doorbell. Mummy Sheep answers.]
Mummy Sheep: Oh! Um… hey, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Hello Mummy Sheep! I’m sorry, is this a bad time?
Mummy Sheep: Um… no, no, it’s fine. I’m just in the middle of something.
Daddy Pig: Oh, alright. I noticed I was overdue on my OnlyFans payments to you and thought I’d just quickly pop over to pay you myself.
[Mr. Potato comes to the door from the inside of the house.]
Mr. Potato: I didn’t know you had an OnlyFans, Mummy Sheep.
Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Sheep has been outed as a sex worker.
Daddy Pig: Yes! And it’s a very good one too! She’s in the top 0.1%! Wait, aren’t you… GAH! You’re Mr. Potato! What the bloody hell are you doing here?!
Mummy Sheep: Well, um… Mr. Potato’s just here to-
Daddy Pig: You’re cheating on me with this wanker, aren’t you Mummy Sheep?!
Mummy Sheep: Well you cheated on Mummy Pig with me first!
Daddy Pig: How could you? I thought we were friends! You know how much it hurt when that bastard publicly humiliated me on national television! He said I had a big tummy!
Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like it when people say he has a big tummy.
Mummy Sheep: No, no! You see, I can explain. We’re not dating! Mr. Potato is here to help find out who killed Suzy Sheep.
[Pause. Daddy Pig’s face turns red with embarrassment.]
Daddy Pig: Oh… I- I’m so sorry Mr. Potato. I’ll be going now.
Mr. Potato: No, no, it’s quite alright Daddy Pig. In fact, you can stay! The more people to help with this investigation the better, right?
Daddy Pig: Oh, okay…
[Mummy Sheep leads the two into the kitchen, where they sit at the table. Mr. Potato puts on his detective hat and takes out a notepad.]
Daddy Pig: So, what first, Mr. Potato?
Mr. Potato: That’s Detective Potato to you, Daddy Pig! First, I just need to ask Mummy Sheep some questions…
Narrator: It’s time for Detective Potato’s detective work to begin!
Detective Potato: Now, Mummy Sheep, when exactly did Suzy Sheep die?
Mummy Sheep: Umm… I believe it was November 17, 2021 at 9:15 am.
Detective Potato: (takes notes) Interesting… now, I know this may be hard for you, but could you please describe what happened on the day of the crime?
Mummy Sheep: Well… (grabs a box of tissues from the counter) I’ll try…
[Flashback to the day of Suzy Sheep’s tragic death. Mummy Sheep is in bed.]
Mummy Sheep: (narrating) It was a Wednesday. Suzy was off school because of an appointment with Dr. Brown Bear that morning. And I had just had a long night doing an OnlyFans shoot, so I had overslept when suddenly-
[A loud gunshot is heard, along with the scream of a child. Mummy Sheep’s eyes shoot open, and she darts out of bed into Suzy Sheep’s room.]
Mummy Sheep: (narrating, tearfully) Suzy Sheep was- (wipes eyes and blows nose) Suzy Sheep was dead on the floor, not a gun in sight.
[Mummy Sheep looks over to Suzy’s window. It is open. She runs over and looks out of it.]
Mummy Sheep: (narrating) It couldn’t have been suicide. I ran over to her open window and got there in just enough time to see a black van drive off.
[Cut back to the present day, with the three sat at the table. Mummy Sheep’s face is full of tears.]
Mummy Sheep: I… I do not know if they killed Suzy Sheep, but at the time I couldn’t care. All I could care was that my darling only child, lesbian icon and inspiration to many, Suzy Sheep, was dead.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I am so sorry, Mummy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: It’s okay.
Detective Potato: (taking notes) Damn. And since this happened the police haven’t found anything out? All cops really are bastards.
[The words “Polar Incorporated, Coral Blue Productions and Box Productions Inc. would like to clarify that all thoughts and opinions expressed in this program do not reflect the actual feelings of our companies.” scroll across the screen.]
Detective Potato: You didn’t happen to catch the licence plate of this van, did you Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: No, I’m afraid not.
Detective Potato: I see… (makes more notes) Welp, I really do not have much to work with here.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) I knew it… I knew you wouldn’t be any help.
Detective Potato: No, no, Mummy Sheep. The investigation must go on! I would first like to interrogate my first suspect… DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: WHAT?!!!
Detective Potato: Daddy Pig, did you shoot Suzy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: WHY THE BLOODY HELL WOULD I HAVE FUCKING SHOT SUZY SHEEP?!!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is acting hella sus right now.
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig couldn’t have killed Suzy Sheep! He’s my friend!
Daddy Pig: THANK YOU, MUMMY SHEEP! Besides, I have an alibi! Wednesday November 17th, you say? I would have been at the office, doing some very important paperwork.
Detective Potato: And where do you work, Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: I am a structural engineer.
Detective Potato: (spits his drink out) NO YOU’RE FUCKING NOT!
Daddy Pig: Yes I am!
Detective Potato: (sighs) Alright… I guess we can safely conclude that Daddy Pig did not shoot Suzy Sheep. …unless he hid her in his big tummy, am I right?
[Detective Potato and Mummy Sheep laugh at Daddy Pig’s tummy.]
Detective Potato: Okay, I guess it’s to move on to our second suspect… Mummy Sheep, did you shoot Suzy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: Why would I have shot Suzy Sheep? I am her mother! Do you know how hard it is to be a single mother? And a single vegan mother at that? Like, as a vegan there’s just so much that I can’t eat! Have you seen how expensive vegan lamb chops are? Oh my God I love lamb chops, but I can’t fucking eat them because I’m vegan!
Detective Potato: Okay… I can see that Mummy Sheep did not kill Suzy Sheep. (makes notes)
Daddy Pig: So… what now?
Detective Potato: It’s time for suspect number three. Narrator, did you kill Suzy Sheep?
Narrator: Detective Potato is accusing me of killing Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: I- I don’t think he can speak for himself. He just repeats things that happen.
Narrator: Mummy Sheep explains that I have no free will.
Detective Potato: Okay…. I’ll put the narrator down as a maybe. Now, is there anyone else in this room that could have shot Suzy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: Er…. I don’t think so.
Detective Potato: Oh God this investigation is gonna be harder than I thought.
Mummy Sheep: So what are we supposed to do now?
Detective Potato: Well… besides the narrator, it looks like our only lead right now is that van.
Daddy Pig: But… but how are we supposed to track that?!
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) The Ring Doorbell! It’s so obvious, why didn’t I think of this before?!
[Mummy Sheep runs off to get her smartphone, and checks the doorbell footage for November 17th. She fast-forwards to 9:15 am and zooms in on the black van.]
Mummy Sheep: C-R-0-I E-W-T! The licence plate is C-R-0-I E-W-T!
Detective Potato: (looking on his phone) Huh… the car seems to be registered… somewhere between Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World.
Daddy Pig: …well that narrows it down a little bit.
Detective Potato: (taking notes) Interesting… does the doorbell footage show who got out of the car?
Mummy Sheep: I… I don’t think so, I’m sorry. I can’t really make anyone out!
Detective Potato: If only there were a massive network of cameras set up all over town so we could find out where the car went…
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Yeah, it’s a shame we don’t have anything like that…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Yeah…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Wait! What about the CCTV?
Detective Potato: What’s “CCTV”? Is that like an NFT?
Daddy Pig: No, no, it means “closed-circuit television camera”.
Narrator: A closed-circuit television camera can produce images or recordings for surveillance or other private purposes.
Detective Potato: I see… Luckily I am a licensed detective, getting access to the STD cameras should be easy!
Daddy Pig: They’re um, called CCTV.
Detective Potato: Whatever you want to call them.
Mummy Sheep: Wait a second… give me your phone, Mr. Potato.
Detective Potato: That’s Detec-
Mummy Sheep: Just give me your phone.
Detective Potato: Well alright, there’s no rush! It’s not like anyone’s died or anything!
[Detective Potato passes Mummy Sheep his phone. She scrolls for a few seconds.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) I think I know who that black van belongs to!
Detective Potato: So?
[Mummy Sheep puts the phone down.]
Mummy Sheep: …I know who shot Suzy Sheep.
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=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E6: Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Two [February 20, 2022] {thatjess} ===
Narrator: Previously on Who Shot Suzy Sheep?... someone shot Suzy Sheep. Daddy Pig was accused of shooting Suzy Sheep. Mummy Sheep was accused of shooting Suzy Sheep. Even I, the beloved Peppa Pig narrator, was accused of shooting sheep! However, no one knows who shot Suzy Sheep, yet that is. So far we only have one clue, and that is from a suspicious black van that drove off from the scene after Suzy Sheep’s tragic death…
[Cut to Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, and Detective Potato in Mummy Sheep’s kitchen during the final scenes of the last part.]
Mummy Sheep: Wait a second… give me your phone, Mr. Potato.
Detective Potato: That’s Detec-
Mummy Sheep: Just give me your phone.
Detective Potato: Well alright, there’s no rush! It’s not like anyone’s died or anything!
[Detective Potato passes Mummy Sheep his phone. She scrolls for a few seconds.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) I think I know who that black van belongs to!
Detective Potato: So?
[Mummy Sheep puts the phone down.]
Mummy Sheep: …I know who shot Suzy Sheep.
[Fade to black. Part two begins. Cut to Mummy Sheep driving Daddy Pig and Detective Potato down the motorway. The three are in complete silence.]
Daddy Pig: ………………………………………….so, who shot Suzy Sheep then?
Mummy Sheep: Well, I don’t ‘’actually’’ know who shot Suzy Sheep. I just said that for dramatic effect!
Narrator: Mummy Sheep is a fucking liar.
Detective Potato: Aw! All that suspense for nothing!
Mummy Sheep: However, I do know who that van belongs to…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: …so are you gonna tell us or what?
Mummy Sheep: Oh sorry. The people who shot Suzy Sheep don’t own that car. It’s a rental. And there’s only place to rent cars in this part of town.
[The car parks up at a gas station.]
Narrator: This is Grandad Dog’s Breakdown Service. People come here to fill their cars up with petrol, have their cars mended, or even hire new cars!
[The three hop out of the car and walk towards Grandad Dog fixing someone’s car. He shuts the hood of the car.]
Grandad Dog: There you go, Eugene. Should all be fixed now.
Mr. Krabs: Agagagagagagag! Thanks so much for fixing up my brand new boatmobile!
Grandad Dog: Woof! All in a day’s work innit bruv?
[The two laugh as Mr. Krabs drives off.]
Grandad Dog: Oh! Daddy Pig! Mummy Sheep! Detective Potato! What are you guys doing h-
[Detective Potato hits Grandad Dog in the face.]
Detective Potato: HOW COULD YOU???!!!!
Grandad Dog: Ow! What the bloody hell was that for?
[Detective Potato starts attacking Grandad Dog.]
Narrator: Oh dear. Detective Potato is assaulting Grandad Dog.
Detective Potato: HOW COULD YOU SHOOT SUZY SHEEP?! YOU SICK BASTARD!! DO YOU NOT HAVE A SOUL?? SHE WAS AN ICON SHE WAS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND SHOOT HE-
Mummy Sheep: Um… I don’t think Grandad Dog shot Suzy Sheep.
[Pause. Detective Potato stops attacking Grandad Dog.]
Detective Potato: Oh, er… my apologies.
Grandad Dog: Don’t worry, happens all the time. What could I help you guys with?
Daddy Pig: Well… heh, in case you haven’t noticed… we’re here about Suzy Sheep.
Grandad Dog: (takes his hat off and sighs) …what a fine young lass she could have grown up to be. I’m still gutted that she’s no longer with us.
Mummy Sheep: Me too. But we believe we’ve tracked the car of the people who murdered her. And, well… we think it traces back to here.
Grandad Dog: Here? (laughs) I ain’t loaned a vehicle to a murder, bruv! I just offer petrol, vehicle repairs, and rentals at the lowest price in town!
Detective Potato: Which is exactly why they would have hired a car off of you. Now, if you would excuse us, we want some information please. Mummy Sheep? The licence number?
Mummy Sheep: Oh yeah, sorry. (takes her phone out and clears her throat) C-R-0-I E-W-T.
Grandad Dog: Look, I’d love to help but I just can’t give out confidential information like who’s hired a car off me willy-nilly!
Mummy Sheep: Grandad Dog, my daughter was murdered!
Grandad Dog: Yeah, and?
Detective Potato: (sighs) Mr. Dog, I am a licensed private detective. If you don’t comply with our requests I could arrest you right here on the spot.
Grandad Dog: Meh, I’ll just get my son to bail me out! He’s a sailor y’know, you have no idea how much buried treasure he’s found!
Mummy Sheep: Well then… I guess you wouldn’t these leaking on the internet, hmmm? (shows Grandad Dog pictures of his nudes on his phone)
Grandad Dog: (turns red) HOW DID YOU FIND THEM?
Mummy Sheep: (putting her phone away) I work on OnlyFans, I need to stay on top of people leaking my shit. It’s not my fault if I find some extra stuff. Now… do you know who would have been in possession of this vehicle on November 17, 2021 at 9:15 am?
[Pause.]
Grandad Dog: Okay, I’m sorry. I will see if I have it on file somewhere.
Daddy Pig: Thank you Grandad Dog.
[Cut to Grandad Dog leading the three behind the counter of the gas station convenience store.]
Grandad Dog: Woof! I’m, heh, I’m not really the best with computers but I will try my best.
[Grandad Dog does a few searches on his computer.]
Grandad Dog: Alright… this vehicle was rented out on November 14th 2021… and returned on November 19th. Which means on November 17th it would have been in the possession of… a Miss Mobo.
Daddy Pig: Miss Mobo?
Grandad Dog: Miss Coseama Mobo, to be exact.
Daddy Pig: Who’s Miss Coseama Mobo?
Narrator: Miss Coseama Mobo, more commonly known under her username “Cosmobo”, is a former user on the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki.
[Pause.]
Detective Potato: Huh.
Mummy Sheep: A former user on what?
Daddy Pig: Are you saying my friend SpongeBob shot Suzy Sheep?
Narrator: This whole “Suzy Sheep is dead” arc is based on an in-joke from the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki Discord server, so it would be inaccurate to the Peppa Pig Roleplay Bible lore to completely ignore this part of the story.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I did not understand a word of that, but okay.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is a bit of an idiot.
Mummy Sheep: So… this “Cosmobo” lass killed my daughter?
Grandad Dog: Well… maybe… but all I can really tell you is that the vehicle outside your house was rented under her name. I wish you good luck on your investigation.
Detective Potato: Thank you so much, Grandad Dog.
Grandad Dog: I would say it’s my pleasure, but considering I didn’t want to help at first that would be blatantly lying. Oh, and you’re gonna need Cosmobo’s address.
[Grandad Dog writes down Cosmobo’s address on a piece of paper and hands it to Mr. Potato. Cut to Mummy Sheep, Mr. Potato and Daddy Pig driving down the motorway again.]
Mummy Sheep: I… I can’t believe it. We’re going to actually find out who shot Suzy Sheep!
Detective Potato: No need to thank me, Mummy Sheep. It’s all in a day’s work for Detective Potato!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: You have not helped at all.
Detective Potato: Hey, who’s the detective here?
[Cut to Mummy Sheep pulling the car up outside Cosmobo’s house.]
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Right… I think… I think the house is here.
Detective Potato: We would have got here so much quicker if Daddy Pig wasn’t holding the map outside down the entire time! (crosses arms)
Daddy Pig: I wondered why all the roads looked different!
Mummy Sheep: Okay… (sighs) let’s… let’s find out who shot Suzy Sheep.
[The three jump out of the car and walk towards Cosmobo’s door.]
Mummy Sheep: I hope this is the right place.
[Mummy Sheep’s hand shakes as she rings the doorbell. A woman with long blonde hair answers.]
Coseama: He- hello?
Detective Potato: Hey… are you Cosmobo?
Coseama: Um… perhaps.
Detective Potato: (shows Coseama his detective badge) The name’s Detective Potato, private detective of Peppa Pig World and Bikini Bottom. You are under arrest on suspicion of murder.
[Pause.]
Coseama: Oh fuck.
[A five year old girl also walks up to the door from the inside.]
SpongeFun: Mummeee, waters murdurrr?
Daddy Pig: Who are you?
SpongeFun: Eye am SpongeFun.
Daddy Pig: Oh okay.
Detective Potato: SpongeFun, you are also under arrest.
Mummy Sheep: Wait, why are you arresting the little kid?
Detective Potato: I dunno, I’m just in a goofy mood.
Mummy Sheep: We are investigating a murder!
Detective Potato: Yeah, and?
[Cut to Cosmobo and SpongeFun sitting in Detective Potato’s interrogation room. Detective Potato, Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig are on the other end of the table. The lights are dim.]
Detective Potato: (sighs) Alright… Cosmobo, did you shoot Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Coseama: Yes.
Narrator: Detective Potato has found out who shot Suzy Sheep!
[Detective Potato stands up and flips the table over.]
Detective Potato: AHA! A CONFESSION! HA! FUCK YEAH! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I ACTUALLY SOLVED SOMETHING! HA! MUMMY WOULD BE SO PROUD! TAKE THAT, DAD!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LI-
Coseama: But I didn’t want to.
[Pause.]
Detective Potato: wait wut
Coseama: I didn’t want to shoot Suzy Sheep.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: So… you accidentally… very carefully… broke into my daughter’s room… and murdered her?
[Pause.]
Coseama: Well, no, I killed her on purpose-
Detective Potato: SO YOU DID KILL HER!
Coseama: Yes.
[Pause.]
Coseama: But I didn’t want to.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I’m confused.
Mummy Sheep: So am I.
Coseama: (sighs) Okay, I shot Suzy Sheep but I didn’t want to. What do you not understand? I was really low on cash and I didn’t really know what else to do! So I saw an ad on the dark web for a hitman and… well… (angrily) I shot Suzy Sheep, okay?!
[Coseama slams her head on the table in tears.]
Narrator: Oh dear. Cosmobo regrets shooting Suzy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: Wait wait wait wait wait… you were just the hitman? You mean you didn’t want Suzy Sheep dead? You mean someone else did?
Coseama: (wipes tears) Well… yeah.
SpongeFun: Eye one-durred Y U came back with blud all O-vurr ur hands. Eye thought U just went out 2 get sum milk!
Coseama: I’m sorry, baby, I promise it will never happen again!
SpongeFun: Eye still dont no wat murdurrr meens…
Detective Potato: Right… I’m going to call the authorities to prosecute you properly. Until they get her… I want to know who hired you.
Coseama: I… I can’t say.
Detective Potato: Aw, come on. It would make your case look better in court!
Coseama: I… I know who hired me… I just… I just don’t think I’m allowed to say!
Daddy Pig: What do you mean?
Mummy Sheep: Are you scared of them or something?
Coseama: Well… I guess so.
Detective Potato: Come on. Can’t you at least write it down.
Coseama: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh………………. okay fine.
Detective Potato: (clenches fist) Fuck yeah!
Coseama: But you have to promise not to say it was me who tipped you off.
Detective Potato: Of course… if I remember.
[Pause. Cosmobo scribbles something down on a piece of paper and passes it to Detective Potato.]
Detective Potato: (reading the paper) Oh… my… God.
[Pause.]
Detective Potato: We know who shot Suzy Sheep, for real this time.
SpongeFun: Whose Shoezee Seep?
[To be continued...]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E8: Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Three [February 20, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Overhead shot of the border between Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World. It is night. Cut to an exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob is inside in his dressing gown and sits on his couch, with a cup of warm cocoa. Gary the Snail slithers in.]
SpongeBob: Ah, I do love lazy nights in, Gary. You know, I love work and all, but sometimes it's just nice to sit back, relax and put on some TV.
[SpongeBob turns on the TV and the news comes on. Reporter Perch Perkins is standing outside a Bikini Bottom house at night, where a young woman is being arrested.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -we apologise for interrupting your scheduled programming, but this is Perch Perkins reporting live for Bikini Bottom News. And this just in - the murder of LGBTQ+ rights advocate Suzy Sheep, who was shot to death in her own bedroom last night, has been found!
[SpongeBob drops his cup of cocoa onto the floor.]
SpongeBob: HOLY SMOKES!
Perch Perkins: (on TV) That’s right, it has been discovered that Suzy Sheep had been killed by local hitman Coseama Mobo.
[A stock photo of Coseama drunk at a Christmas party is shown on the TV. Coseama is shown being escorted into a police car by two police officers.]
Police Officer Panda: Right, off you go Coseama. You have the right to remain silent.
Coseama: (sighs) Alright, just look after SpongeFun for me.
Police Officer Squirrel: Yeah whatever.
[The two police officers get into the car and drive off.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) At the moment it is currently unknown who hired Suzy Sheep’s killer, or why they- (mumbling is heard through Perch’s headset) What’s that? The police are on their way to make the arrest now? Ho-ho, looks like we’ve got a live arrest of a murdered tonight folks!
[Cut to a whole SWAT team of police cars driving out of Peppa Pig World. Mummy Sheep, Daddy Pig and Detective Potato are following behind them.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and Detective Potato are on their way to arrest the real murderer of Suzy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: I can’t believe it! I mean, I knew he was a bad guy, but I didn’t know he was a bad guy!
Detective Potato: It’s okay, Mummy Sheep.
Daddy Pig: Are we sure it’s really him who shot Suzy Sheep?
Detective Potato: I am positive, Coseama showed me the evidence herself.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Well… I guess it’s settled then. The person who shot Suzy Sheep, for real this time, is actually-
[Cut to the police cars making their way into a large city, and past a large clocktower. Cut to the interior of an equally large house. Banging is heard from the front door.]
Police Officer #1: LONDON POLICE! OPEN UP!
[Pause.]
Police Officer #2: WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!
???: Wh- what’s happening?
????: (sighs) It’s okay, Carrie, let me handle this…
[A large figure wearing a navy suit opens the door.]
Police Officer #1: You have the right to remain silent, you are under arrest on suspicion of murder…
[Pause.]
Police Officer #2: Boris Johnson.
[It is revealed that Boris Johnson is on the other end of the door, holding a tray of tea.]
Boris Johnson: Would you like a cup of tea?
Police Officer #2: Eh?
Boris Johnson: Will you have a cup of tea?
Police Officer #1: Sir, you are being arrested for murder.
Boris Johnson: I want you to have a cup of tea.
Police Officer #2: Bori-
Boris Johnson: You need to have a cup of tea.
Police Officer #1: You nee-
Boris Johnson: Please take a cup of tea.
[A couple of police officers start taking the tea.]
Police Officer #3: Thank you.
Boris Johnson: You’re welcome.
Police Officer #2: But Bor-
Boris Johnson: I am here solely on a humanitarian mission because you have been here all day, and you have been so nice, and I have nothing left to say or offer you, except a cup of TEEE.
[Cut to Boris Johnson and a couple of police officers sitting in an interrogation room, sipping on their cups of tea.]
Police Officer #1: Mmm, this is good tea.
Police Officer #4: Is this Tetley?
Boris Johnson: Yorkshire, actually, it’s Yorkshire Tea. I’m not from Yorkshire myself, but I just find it’s just easier to get that… um, th- th- that stronger taste, innit?
[Detective Potato enters.]
Detective Potato: Evening, lads.
Police Officer #3: Evening!
Boris Johnson: Ah, Detective Potato! I must say I’m a big fan of your TV show. You want a cuppa of Yorkshire Tea?
Detective Potato: Sorry but I don’t drink tea.
Police Officer #2: HE DOESN’T DRINK TEA?!
Police Officer #1: WHAT KIND OF BRIT ARE YOU?
Detective Potato: I’m originally from France actually. Do we have any Brandy?
Boris Johnson: Ooh! I think I might do actually! I just need to-
[Mummy Sheep bursts in.]
Mummy Sheep: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU LOT DOING?!
Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Sheep is a bit pissed off!
Detective Potato: Mummy Sheep, I told you to wait outside!
Mummy Sheep: This isn’t some kind of fancy tea party! My daughter was killed by… by… by the leader of our country! (turns to Boris Johnson) What do you have to say for yourself?
Boris Johnson: Would you like a cup of tea?
Mummy Sheep: Fuck your tea!
[Mummy Sheep throws the cup of tea off the table.]
Mummy Sheep: Alright, everyone move over! I’m leading this interrogation!
[The police officers and Detective Potato stand up and move to the other side of the room. Mummy Sheep sits down opposite Boris Johnson, and starts recording the conversation.]
Mummy Sheep: Now, Mr. Alexander-
Boris Johnson: It’s, er, Boris Johnson.
Mummy Sheep: No it’s not, you eejit! Your name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson! Your name isn’t even Boris! Now, tell me, what other things have you been lying about? Did you, or did you not, order the murder of Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Well, you see um… here at the Conservative Party we believe that we need to do what’s best for the country and we value everyone’s opinions and always take them to heart. If it wasn’t for the public’s best interests-
Mummy Sheep: Did you or did you not order the murder of Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: …well, you see… I might have ordered the murder of Suzy Sheep, but you see at the time I was completely under the impression that it was a work event!
Mummy Sheep: …you thought murdering my daughter was a work event?
Boris Johnson: Well yes!
Police Officer #1: I mean it’s a fair enough excuse to me.
Police Officer #3: Yeah!
Police Officer #4: (sighs) Keir Starmer wouldn’t have been this dumb…
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Alright, so… even if you did somehow… think murdering my daughter was a “work event”... why? J- just why? How could you be so heartless and just- just kill Suzy like that?
Boris Johnson: Well… um… you see there is a perfectly logical explanation… and that is… it is a very clear and obvious explanation… and it makes complete sense and… you see-
Detective Potato: Just get to the point!
Boris Johnson: Okay! I killed Suzy Sheep for a distraction!
Mummy Sheep: …a distraction?
Boris Johnson: Yes! You see, I’ve been under fire a lot recently for… well, you know… breaking the law just a teensy weensy little bit and holding large work events-
Mummy Sheep: Parties.
Boris Johnson: -holding large parties while the whole country has been on lockdown because of the Granolavirus! And, um, well… I just thought that maybe, just maybe… if I killed Suzy Sheep everyone would forget about it?
Mummy Sheep: YOU MONSTER! YOU- YOU…. YOU SAUSAGE ROLL!
Boris Johnson: I DID IT FOR THE COUNTRY OKAY?
Mummy Sheep: YOU KILLED A FIVE YEAR OLD FOR THE COUNTRY? SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER!
Boris Johnson: I have my whole life ahead of me! I’m the boss of this entire country!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) If you weren’t the prime minister I would punch you right now.
Boris Johnson: Okay… (reaches into his wallet) Fifty quid says we keep this quiet, deal?
Mummy Sheep: Pffft, as if I’d fall for tha-
Boris Johnson: One hundred and fifty quid.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Okay it’s a deal.
[Cut to the police escorting Boris Johnson outside the police station. Loads of reporters and cameras are waiting outside.]
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson, what happened?
Reporter #2: Did you kill Suzy Sheep?
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig driving back to Mummy Sheep’s house. It is now the middle of the night. The two get out of the car.]
Mummy Sheep: Ugh, I can’t believe I took that fucking bastard’s bait! I mean, I could brought him to justice right then and there!
Daddy Pig: I know, I know! But we still have the evidence! We could “cancel” him, you know as the kids say, anytime we want!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) I mean… I guess so. But it’s not like anyone would believe us! He’s the prime minister!
Daddy Pig: Well… you know I believe you.
Mummy Sheep: I know you do… but… (sighs) I want everyone else to.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Er, pardon me Mummy Sheep, but it is very late and it’s a long walk back to Bikini Bottom. Would you mind if I stayed the night?
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Okay, fine.
[Pause. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep stare at each other, before embracing and heading inside the house. Fade to black.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E9: Daddy Pig Has an Affair [February 21, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[The episode picks up the following morning after where Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Three leaves off. That’s right, the SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show has lore, but to be fair you need a fairly high IQ to understand it.]
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. Cut inside to Mummy Sheep’s bedroom, where Daddy Pig wakes up startled in Mummy Sheep’s bed.]
Daddy Pig: GAH! Ugh, what happened last night?
[Shower noises can be heard from the other room. Daddy Pig reaches over to the bedside table and puts his glasses on, also noticing an open pack of condoms.]
Daddy Pig: Aw oh fuck! I didn’t, did I?
[The shower noises stop, and Mummy Sheep walks back into the bedroom with a towel around here.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey, Daddy Pig, pretty great night we had last night, huh?
[Pause.]
Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig has done Mummy Sheep.
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Cut to the kitchen where SpongeBob is pouring a bowl of cereal. Daddy Pig enters.]
SpongeBob: Oh, hi Daddy Pig! Where the barnacles have you been all night? Did you hear? Boris Johnson was accused of shooting Suzy Sheep!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, I don’t have much time to explain SpongeBob. But listen, I need some advice.
SpongeBob: Shoot away, Daddy Pig… heh, not at Suzy Sheep of course ,but you know what I mean.
Daddy Pig: Okay, so… here goes. (sighs) Theoretically, if Mummy Sheep and I had started dating, and I was still technically married to Mummy Pig, what would I do?
[Pause. SpongeBob drops his bowl of Bran Flakes.]
SpongeBob: …theoretically?
Daddy Pig: I’m just speaking theoretically here, heh.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… then it that case, I guess you’d have to break up with one of them.
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walk inside and approach Squidward at the counter. He is reading the magazine and sits up straight startled.]
Squidward: Huh? SpongeBob?! What the hell are you doing here?! It’s your day off!
SpongeBob: Oh hi Squidward! It’s so nice to see you too! Daddy Pig and I are just here for some early morning breakfast.
Daddy Pig: I’ll have the usual Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: And I’ll have the veggie burger.
Daddy Pig: V- Veggie burger?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m trying to go vegan. It’s a whole thing y’know.
Daddy Pig: Bb-but… vegetables in a burger?! That’s just not right. You’ve got have a bit of meat to grow up to be a strong lad!
Squidward: …that’ll be eight dollars and forty-eight cents please.
SpongeBob: Um, could I please use my employee discount?
Squidward: Okay, that’ll be seven dollars and forty-eight cents please.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig sitting at a table eating their burgers.]
Daddy Pig: So… who do I get rid of?
SpongeBob: I mean, I dunno it’s a tough choice. Didn’t you already have an affair with Mummy Sheep ages ago? Isn’t that why you got kicked out?
Daddy Pig: (turns red) I mean… yeah. You don’t have to call me out on it though!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is embarrassed that he has done Mummy Sheep.
Daddy Pig: It’s a SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction for fuck’s sake! Can we please stop talking about my bedroom life?
Narrator: Ugh, fine. My job is really boring sometimes, can I not have any fun?
SpongeBob: I thought you were only able to narrate what other people are doing, and not think for yourself.
Narrator: SpongeBob points out that the Peppa Pig Narrator is a fucking liar.
Daddy Pig: Ha! Loser!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is being very mean to the Peppa Pig Narrator.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig! Say sorry to the Peppa Pig Narrator, right now!
Daddy Pig: …
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: …I… I am sorry, Peppa Pig Narrator.
Narrator: The Peppa Pig Narrator accepts Daddy Pig’s apology.
Daddy Pig: Thank you! Now, what were we talking about?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah, I had an affair with Mummy Sheep! …oh, now that I’m saying it out loud… I seem like a bit of an asshole.
SpongeBob: Mmm-hmm.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I like Mummy Sheep… but I also like Mummy Pig! I know I said I was better off without her, but… now I just don’t know! Mummy Pig and I have been together for years! We have two children together! I don’t want to throw all that away!
SpongeBob: I know you like your children, but do you like Mummy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I don’t know, this is a hard decision, innit bruv?! Why are you giving me relationship advice anyway? You’ve never been in a relationship.
SpongeBob: I helped Squidward get a date once. They broke up the next week but that’s not the point. How did you meet Mummy Pig anyway?
Daddy Pig: Oh God it was years ago. I barely remember.
SpongeBob: Huh, I guess we won’t ever know th-
Daddy Pig: It was the Summer of 1999. I was fresh out of secondary school and ready to rumble. I was waiting in line for my McDonald’s.
[Flashback to the Peppa Pig World McDonald’s 1999. A young Daddy Pig is in line for a Big Mac. Mummy Pig approaches the counter.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, could I please have a chicken salad and a McFlurry please?
Miss Rabbit: (behind the counter) Of course! That’ll be two pounds please.
[Mummy Pig gives her the money.]
Miss Rabbit: Thank you! Have a nice day!
[Mummy Pig gets in the queue to wait for her food.]
Daddy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Cut back to the present.]
Daddy Pig: Before I knew it we were married and Peppa was born!
[Pan over to Patrick, who has now joined the two at the table and is sipping on a Strawberry milkshake.]
Patrick: That’s it? That’s the whole story?
Daddy Pig: What were you expecting? I’m not Shakespeare you know!
Patrick: Pfffft, what a rip-off. Can we hear the story of how you met SpongeBob now?
SpongeBob: Patrick you already know that story, you were there.
Patrick: Oh yeah.
[PenisMan walks up to the table.]
PenisMan: If I were you Daddy Pig, I’d go with Mummy Sheep. She has an OnlyFans.
Daddy Pig: Oh uh, thanks PenisMan.
[PenisMan walks off.]
Daddy Pig: Wait, how do you know she has an OnlyFans? PenisMa- oh he’s gone.
SpongeBob: So… who’s it gonna be, Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I think I’m gonna have to go back to Mummy Pi-
[Mummy Sheep walks over.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey Daddy Pig, fancy seeing you here! I haven’t got any plans for tonight, you wanna come over again?
Daddy Pig: ok
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig walk off.]
SpongeBob: I am glad I’m ace.
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. Cut inside to Mummy Sheep’s bedroom, where Daddy Pig wakes up startled in Mummy Sheep’s bed.]
Daddy Pig: GAH! Ugh, what happened last night?
[Shower noises are heard from the other room.]
Daddy Pig: FUCK! I DID IT! …I DID IT AGAIN!
[The shower noises stop.]
Daddy Pig: Alright, this time I have to give it to her straight. She is very nice, but I am not carrying on with this affair any longer! I am going to go straight back to Mummy Pig where I belong and-
[Mummy Sheep walks in.]
Mummy Sheep: Morning Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: hey babe ily so much
Mummy Sheep: Aw! I love you too, sweetheart!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I need to break up with Mummy Pig, don’t I?
[End.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S1E10: Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig Have a Sit Down Together [February 28, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Cut to the basement where SpongeBob is stacking a pile of freshly cleaned clothes. Daddy Pig walks down.]
Narrator: It is a new day. SpongeBob is doing some laundry this morning.
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
Narrator: Daddy Pig asks SpongeBob what he is doing.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I’m just doing some laundry, you knucklehead!
Daddy Pig: L-laundry? What are you, crazy?!
SpongeBob: Um… do you not do laundry, Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Me? Do laundry?! That’s ridiculous! Only women do laundry, SpongeBob, not masculine men like us! (flexes muscles) Everyone knows that!
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is a little bit sexist.
[Pan down to reveal that SpongeBob's wearing a maid dress.]
Daddy Pig: Well, you're not that masculine, but you get the point. What we need is a woman for this!
SpongeBob: B-bu-but, there aren’t any women in this house. The laundry isn’t magically gonna do itself!
Daddy Pig: Hmmmph… maybe we should hire a maid then.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Good one, Daddy Pig!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh you’re serious, aren’t you?
Narrator: SpongeBob cannot easily understand what people mean, because he has autism.
SpongeBob: I’m not made of money, you know. Mr. Krabs hardly pays me at all!
Daddy Pig: I’m more serious than the duck from Wonder Pets… (sighs) George used to love that show. Maybe you should get a better job.
SpongeBob: Nah I’m good. Speaking of George though, weren't you going to go see your wife today?
Daddy Pig: What? My wife? Oh, you mean Mummy Pig.
Narrator: Daddy Pig has not seen Mummy Pig since she kicked him out of the house back in December.
Daddy Pig: Alright, can you please stop calling me out?!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is angry at me for simply stating FACTS, and LOGIC!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, that guy really grinds my gears.
SpongeBob: He’s just doing his job.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, but, why does he have to be so annoying about it? (sighs) But, yeah, I’m gonna see Mummy Pig later and, well… I think I’m gonna have to break up with her. Maybe we can get a divorce or something, I don’t know.
SpongeBob: Aw jeez man, I’m so sorry for you.
Daddy Pig: It’s okay, I’m better off without her bitch-ass anyway. Mummy Sheep is better in bed.
Narrator: Daddy Pig sleeps with lots of women.
Daddy Pig: OH MY FUCKING GOD! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[Exterior shot of Peppa Pig’s house.]
Narrator: This is Peppa Pig’s house, where award winning singer-songwriter Peppa Pig lives.
[Pan through the window and into the living room, where Peppa and George are watching TV. Mummy Pig is on the sofa reading a magazine.]
Narrator: Peppa and George are watching The Mr. Potato Show.
Mr. Potato: (on TV) 🎶Fruit and vegetables keep us alive, always remember to eat your five! Wiggle your hips and do a jive, always remember to eat your five!🎶
Mummy Pig: Ugh, I hate this show. It’s way too preachy.
Peppa Pig: But isn’t it good to eat your fruit and vegetables, Mummy Pig?
Mummy Pig: Well, um… yeah.
[The doorbell goes off.]
Narrator: Someone is at the front door.
Peppa Pig: (gasps) My new dress for Teddy is here! (laughs)
Mummy Pig: Don’t get too excited, Peppa. It’s probably one of those cold callers.
[Mummy Pig approaches the door and angrily opens it.]
Mummy Pig: For the last time, we don’t give a fuck about your fancy double glazed windo- oh hi Daddy Pig.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is on the other end of the door.
Daddy Pig: …oh, heh… hi Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: I wasn’t expecting to see you here… like, ever!
[Peppa and George run towards the door.]
Peppa: Daddy! You came back! Oh I just knew you would! I just knew you wouldn’t leave us forever!
George: Dadd-a Pig!
Narrator: Peppa and George are very excited to see Daddy Pig.
George: (holding up his dinosaur toy) Dine-saw! Grrrrrr!
Narrator: Mr. Dinosaur is also very excited to see Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Er… I think we need to talk, Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: Um… yes. We definitely need to have a talk.
Narrator: This is very awkward for Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Well I… er… do you think we could take a walk somewhere? Just the two of us?
Mummy Pig: Well… okay. But I mean we can’t just leave the children here by themselves.
Daddy Pig: (sighs) You’re right…
[Cut to Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig walking alone through a Kelp Forest… with Peppa and George following them.]
Mummy Pig: So… you’ve been sleeping with any other women recently?
Daddy Pig: (embarrassed) Well I uh- not really.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is a liar.
[Pause.]
Peppa Pig: Mummy, why did Daddy cheat on you?
Mummy Pig: Ugh, not now Peppa. Daddy Pig and I are trying to have a talk.
[The four come across a bench in the middle of the forest and sit down.]
Daddy Pig: Look, Mummy Pig… I know I haven’t been the most honest with you and… well… I haven’t really been the most moral with you and-
Mummy Pig: You want to break up with me, don’t you?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) Well, I guess that’s what I’m trying to get at.
Mummy Pig: …yeah, I think you might be right. Maybe we should split. I know before we said we’d just wait until George gets into college and then we’d take it from there but… maybe this is for the best.
Daddy Pig: …yeah.
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple at night. Daddy Pig enters.]
SpongeBob: …so…? How did it go?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my God, it was the best divorce discussion I’ve ever been to!
[Cut to Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, SpongeBob and Gary all sitting on SpongeBob’s couch watching some TV.]
Daddy Pig: Ah… this really does feel like a new chapter in all of our lives. My relationship with Mummy Pig is all in the past, my relationship with Mummy Sheep is all in the future, and my kids don’t even hate me!
Gary the Snail: This is a fucking SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction.
SpongeBob: Aw, I’m so proud of you Daddy Pig!
Mummy Sheep: Me too!
Gary the Snail: This is a fucking SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction.
Daddy Pig: You know, for once it feels like this perhaps slightly overweight pig is finally doing something right in his life!
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: You’re more than slightly overweight, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I am NOT overweight!
SpongeBob: Well, you are a bit overweight.
Daddy Pig: Nonsense! This tummy is pure muscle! I am as thin as a pipe cleaner!
[Pause.]
Gary the Snail: This is a fucking SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction.
[Everyone falls to the floor in obnoxious fits of laughter.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig loves SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction. Everyone loves SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction!
[Credits.]
=== (Z) Full Server: The Tragedy Trilogy: A Full Server Movie [March 1-2, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, thatjess, Existant202} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Establishing shot of the Full Server house. Cut to the living room. SpongeBot walks in and the audience applauds and cheers.]
SpongeBot: Oh God! The laughing’s back! I thought we got cancelled!
[Jess walks in. More applause and cheers.]
Jess: Huh… maybe we got rebooted. This could be Fuller Server or something.
SpongeBot: Oh hey, you’re back.
[Laugh track. Zoltan walks in with his signature Zoltan walk]
Zoltan: No this isn't a reboot. It still feels exactly as degenerate.
Jess: Wait, is this like a movie? After a really long hiatus? How the fuck are we gonna explain everything?
[Pluto walks in. More applause.]
Pluto: There’s my lovely wife! Also I turn girls lesbian.
[Jess and Pluto kiss. Laugh track.]
Jess: You're a terrible kisser.
Pluto: Well, you’re a terrible ugly.
Jess: Your sentence just made me lesbian.
[Pluto winks at the camera.]
Jingle singers: Pluto: The true lesbianator!
Zoltan: I thought Pluto was Jess’ son.
[Laugh track because incest is funny]
SpongeBot: Hey, so like, how’s the Elmos?
Zoltan: There's a fifth one on the way soon.
Jess: Wait, you guys procreated 2 new Elmos while I was gone? And a new one coming?
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Also where’s Prim?
SpongeBot: He died.
[Laugh track because death is funny.]
Zoltan: Actually he’s just in Slovenia.
[cutaway to Prim’s dead body in Slovenia]
Prim: I am dead
[Laugh track. Cut back.]
Zoltan: Or at least that’s what we tell Elmo 4.
SpongeBot: And the other one.
[Daddy Pig enters]
Daddy Pig: Hey guys, it’s great to see you all again!
Jess: Hi Daddy Pig, it’s crazy to think that you have been living here for 2 months now!
Daddy Pig: It is! I feel like I just moved in!
Zoltan: I have ball cancer.
[Laugh track]
Producer: TOO EARLY, WAIT UNTIL PAGE 16.
Zoltan: Welp I guess the ball cancer will have to wait. In the meantime, I need to find a cat to uhh… do fun stuff with.
Peppa Pig narrator: Zoltan wants to have sex with a cat.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: HEY! Where did you come from?
Peppa Pig narrator: Zoltan is wondering where I came from.
Zoltan: DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE. I KNOW SOME THINGS.
Peppa Pig narrator: Oh dear, it seems Zoltan is threatening me.
Zoltan: YOU’LL BECOME DEADER THAN SUZY SHEEP.
[RIP Suzy Sheep: Gone but never forgotten]
Pluto: Wait, so is Jess still lesbian, because I’m counting this marriage.
Jess: That's up to you.
Pluto: Ugh, I hate making conscious decisions!
[Laugh track. Outside the room we hear someone say something in German.]
Zoltan: THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
Pluto: Hide me!
[Laugh track because Jews haha.]
???: HEIL HITLER!
Zoltan: Oh phew it's just a Hitler stan.
Pluto: That’s a relief.
[The unknown person barges through the door in a Nazi outfit.]
CartoonGuy: Hey guys, how do you like my new husband?
Lemur: I have all the Hitler and Mussolini memorabilia. All of it.
[Laugh track because Hitler is funny.]
Pluto: Mike has some competition now. Don’t tell him about this.
Lemur: Does anyone want a spare copy of Mein Kampf?
SpongeBot: Oh, I’ll take it! I’ve been needing a new bedtime story for the Elmos!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: I thought we agreed to not read them propaganda after the 9/11 incident.
CartoonGuy: The what now?
Zoltan: You know, the 9/11 incident.
SpongeBot: It was certainly a tragedy…
Zoltan: It’s a shame really, apart from that we are great parents!
SpongeBot: Yeah!
Zoltan: Now keep smoking so the baby will get AUTISM and we can get loads of MONEY!
[SpongeBot salutes and takes out a cigarette. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Lemur, has CartoonGuy told you anything about us?
Lemur: i knownred  faster the red faster
CartoonGuy: Don't mind him, he's just having a stroke.
[Laugh track because strokes are hilarious.]
Zoltan: I have those twice a day! Welcome to the family.
[Laugh track. Group hug]
SpongeBot: Oh f*ck I feel kicking in my belly. Must've been that McDonald's I had for breakfast.
Lemur: I'm no doctor but I think you're pregnant.
SpongeBot: Am I? Hold on a moment.
[SpongeBot goes on her phone and looks up an online pregnancy test.]
SpongeBot: Yeah, yeah, uhh no, and done. It says I ‘’might’’ be pregnant. Come on, give me a yes or no answer!
Zoltan: You should call Dr. Brown Bear.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: And get true professional advice? This is Full Server, not a medical documentary.
Jess: If it's any help, I watch Grey’s Anatomy when my mom is home.
SpongeBot: Tell Grey to get back to the kitchen.
[Laugh track because women.]
Zoltan: The last time we had sex was only a few days ago.
Elmo 4: Daddy? What’s-
Zoltan: WHO LET YOU OUT OF YOUR ROOM?
[Elmo 4 starts crying]
Zoltan: SHUT UP IDIOT!
[Zoltan punches Elmo 4]
Zoltan: STOP CRYING
[Elmo 4 cries even more]
Zoltan: I hate you, all you deserve is pain.
SpongeBot: You are too mean.
Zoltan: What? I’m a perfect parent!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Wait, I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s something else that happened.
Jess: Beats me.
Pluto: Maybe it’ll come to me sooner or later.
Dan: (from off-screen) I HEARD CUM!
[Dan enters, spawning cheers from the audience]
Dan: Yeah, that's right! I jacked off to Timmy Turner!
[Laugh track because attraction to children is hilarious.]
Zoltan: Only in the Full Server.
SpongeBot: Agh! I feel pain!
Zoltan: Same.
SpongeBot: No, like… pregnancy pain! I think I'm in labor!
Zoltan: But it's three whole months after Labor Day!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Normally, this would be an “Understandable, have a nice day” moment, but this seriously hurts.
Pluto: THAT’S WHAT I WAS FORGETTING. Yeah, I sexxed someone. Is that how you say it?
SpongeBot: You mean you're not a virgin? Huh, who knew.
Jess: shit
Pluto: That’s right mates, I join the sad exclusive club of Non-Virgins.
SpongeBot: Damn it now I wanna join!
Pluto: Like unfucking the Christmas turkey, that cannot be done.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Weren’t you in labor?
SpongeBot: Oh right. OW IT HURTS!
Zoltan: Don’t worry, I called Dr. Brown Bear!
[Dr. Brown Bear enters. Audience cheers.]
Dr. Brown Bear: Hello, everybody.
Daddy Pig: Dr. Brown Bear! You came here so quickly!
Dr. Brown Bear: I did?
Zoltan: Yeah! It only took 5 minutes!
Dr. Brown Bear: Good golly, the commute from my home planet is well fast these days innit bruv. So what’s the problem?
SpongeBot: I’m preggers.
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 4: [walks into scene.] Daddy, I- WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m Doctor Brown Bear.
Daddy Pig: And I’m Daddy Pig!
Elmo 4: Oh okay.
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Despite making up 13% of the population-
Lemur: Hubby, there is a child here.
CartoonGuy: You're literally in a nazi outfit.
Lemur: oh yeah I forgot.
[Laugh track.]
Dr. Brown Bear: I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.
SpongeBot: THE BABY
Liz: DABABY?
DaBaby: I hate gay people.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: NO LIZ I AM PREGNANT
Pluto: So is my wife, y’all can relate to each other now.
SpongeBot: Oh no, I feel like-
[Elmo 5 just suddenly pops out of SpongeBot. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: MY BABY!
SpongeBot: OUR BABY!
[USSR anthem plays for 3 seconds.]
Jess: MY SIBLING!
Zoltan’s Mum: MY GRANDCHILD!
Pluto: I don’t even know who this is.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: IT’S A BOY!
SpongeBot: Actually I think it’s a girl.
[Zoltan starts crossing out the words on his “it’s a boy” banner he was just putting up. Laugh track.]
Elmo 5: Can I say the R slur?
Jess: AW! HER FIRST WORDS!
Pluto: Sorry, little Elmo, I don’t think Fandom will appreciate people saying r*****.
Fandom: YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Also we hate gay people too.
DaBaby: Lesss goooo
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Wait,  Dr. Brown Bear, before you go, do I have an S*D?
Dr. Brown Bear: I have no idea.
Pluto: Oh.
Jess: what the fuck is this movie
Dr. Brown Bear: Anyway, I must go now. My home planet needs me!
Zoltan: Your planet? I didn’t know you were an alien.
Dr. Brown Bear: I am not an alien, I am a bear.
Zoltan: Oh okay.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Goodbye! I will come back when the plot needs me!
[Dr. Brown Bear blasts off in his space rocket. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: What an odd fellow.
Pluto: He steams a good ham though.
[Laugh track because dead memes are tight.]
Liz: Wanna know a fun fact?
SpongeBot: Sure.
Liz: Despite only making up 13 percent-
SpongeBot: I already know that Liz. Everyone knows that black-.
Pluto: COMMERCIAL BREAK.
[Commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Hey, tell me something, there’s a delicious Subway food montage going on right behind me isn’t there? Yep I can smell it. Well that’s gonna make it kinda hard to focus but here we go. An Ode to the Subway feast, Turkey, Salami, Cheese with Roast beef, Pepperoni and Ham, write this down, Chief. We got them all on freshly baked bread, the Subway feast, it’s as big as my head. Beat that Jared. (laugh) Subway, Eat Fresh!
[End of commercial break. Applause and cheers.]
Elmo 5: I have autism.
[Laugh track.]
Liz: Aw… just like her parents.
Aaron: Welcome to the club, kid.
Elmo 5: yay
Pluto: Now what fucked up thing can we introduce? Oh yeah. Jess, tell them the big news.
Jess: Oh yeah. Granite saw a Ron’s Gone Wrong bus poster the other day!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: The other big news!
Jess: Sonic 2?
Pluto: The other other big news!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Oh, I’m preggers!
Pluto: I meant the Scott Pilgrim TV show but that works too.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: My daughter announced she was pregnant the same day my new baby was born? I guess this is a double celebration then!
[Grim Reaper walks in.]
Grim: Sorry SpongeBot, but you’re dead.
[laugh track]
Jess: wait wut
Grim: Yeah, she gave birth so hard that she fucking died.
Zoltan: MY WIFE!
Jess: MY MUM!
Aaron: MY DAUGHTER!
Grim: You know how you all told SpongeBot to smoke so Elmo 5 would have autism? Well, turns out smoking is kinda bad for you. Who would have thought? Anyway I’m gonna collect her soul now. Have a nice day everyone!
Pluto: Bye, SpongeBot. Don’t hit your head on the door as you die.
[SpongeBot’s head hits the door frame as the Grim Reaper drags her dead body out of the house]
Pluto: Fuck.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Should we hold a funeral?
Zoltan: Nah, I'm not really in the mood.
[Laugh track.]
Liz: She was your wife.
Zoltan: Yeah so?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: You rammed her to the point where she died of childbirth. This is like the Oregon Trail!
Liz: I'd prefer to call it the Organ Trail at this point.
Dan: More like the Orgasm Trail.
The guy who says who else but Quagmire: Who else but Dan?
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Now that my wife is dead, who will make dinner?
[Elmo 4 walks in dressed as a chef]
Elmo 4: Me! Me! Me!
Zoltan: I would rather be dead. Males do not work in the kitchen.
Chef Boyardee: Fuck-a you, a-Zoltan.
Zoltan: Wait, I know who can revive SpongeBot! ELMO 5!
[Elmo 5 walks in]
Elmo 5: Yes, daddy?
Zoltan: Try reviving mommy with your autism powers!
Elmo 5: Okay!
[Elmo 5 says some gibberish and nothing happens]
Zoltan: Okay, we need someone else.
[Zoltan calls up Dr. Brown Bear]
Zoltan: Hello? Oh good morning Doctor. So the woman who gave birth earlier is now dead.
[Dr. Brown Bear’s space rocket crashes through the house. He jumps out.]
Dr. Brown Bear: WHAT?! Am I important to the plot again?!
[Laugh track]
Dead Squidward: I just woke up. What is happening?
Zoltan: My wife gave birth, but I told her to smokes lots and lots of cigarettes so the baby would be autism, and the baby was born happy and healthy and very autism which is good because we wanted autism baby is we could get its of autism money but it turns out that smoking is bad for you and now SpongeBot is dead.
Dead Squidward: God I hate when that happens.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Doctor Brown Bear, could you please bring SpongeBot back to life.
Dr. Brown Bear: I… I haven’t done this in a long time, but I will try my best. I am a doctor after all.
Liz: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Brown Bear: Okay, here goes… يسوع يمارس الجنس مع المسيح كريستيان دان! كان هذا ما قلته كيف أن مجتمع هو في الغالب عدد كبير من الأشخاص المثليين ، في المفهوم. هل لم تتلاعب بقراءة كيف قلت "إن في تعني الأشخاص المتحولين جنسياً و تعني الأشخاص الذين يتساءلون عن جنسهم أو حياتهم الجنسية ،"؟ ما هو الخطأ معك؟ !! كل شيء تحاول قوله إنني أجادل لأنني قدمت مطالبات ضد !!! ما هذا اللعنة يا رجل ؟! أنت الوحيد الذي لا يزال يحاول متابعة هذه الحجة الغبية! أنا حتى لا أحاول الجدال معك! يسوع
Dead Squidward: I’M ALIVE! AHHHH! I’M NOT DEAD SQUIDWARD ANYMORE! I’M JUST…. REGULAR SQUIDWARD!
Peppa Pig narrator: Oh dear, it seems that Doctor Brown Bear has revived the wrong person.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Dammit, now they might revoke my medicinal license.
Jess: QUICK! REVIVE SpongeBot TOO!
Dr. Brown Bear: I can’t. I can only revive one person at a time. So goodbye everybody, I’m on the run again.
[Laugh track; Dr. Brown Bear is blasting off again…]
Pluto: Just like Jimmy Neutron. God, this is awesome.
Elmo 3: GOD DOES NOT EXIST. ONLY SCIENCE!!
[Laugh track.]
Squidward: Wait, what is happening?
[Squidward dies.]
Dead Squidward: Damn it, I’m dead again.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Just like Suzy.
[SpongeFun and PoopFan slowly walk in.]
PoopFan: We just had hot sex.
SpongeFun: Where’s SpongeBot?
Zoltan: Dead.
SpongeFun: WHAT?!
Jess: Yeah, she had too many fags.
[Note to FANDOM: that means cigarettes please don’t kill us]
Pluto: I mean, according to my exes, you can’t have too many of them.
Aaron: Did SpongeBot have sex with CrazySponge?
CrazySponge: NO! I’M NOT GAY!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear, it seems like Aidan is refusing his sexuality again.
Aaron: SpongeBot is a woman.
[laugh track because women]
SpongeFun: To remember Paige, we have created these brand new NFTs featuring her. Sign up now at https://bitly/3AlNyS6 to invest!
Dead Squidward: NFTs?!
[Mike appears]
Mike: I love those!
CrazySponge: SpongeBot, legally as a bp employee you cannot die so you can work forever so i demand you come back to life immediately!
[silence]
Zoltan: That didn’t work.
[Dr. Brown Bear comes back dressed as a cult leader]
Dr. Brown Bear: I HAVE HAD AN IDEA!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: OOH! Does it involve Satan?
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Yes, actually.
Mike: Does it involve Jews?
Dr. Brown Bear: No…
Mike: Good.
Zoltan: So Satan, huh? Well, Elmo 3, this is your type of thing.
Elmo 3: [walks down the stairs] Dearest father, you requested that I use my intellect to help Doctor of Medicine Ursus Arctos to summon the demon from within?
Zoltan: yeah
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Okay, time for the ritual. VNZM BOLSMF IFLB VHRZIK OOZSH VD OOVS MR HR GR HZ SGIZV ML VMLW VY OORD BSG VNLX NLWTMRP BSG MZGZH ORZS MZGZH ORZS
Elmo 3: HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN THY KINGDOM COME THY WILL BE DONE
Elmo 4: Neppah ot evlewt-enin esuac llahs ew esle ro rehtom evarg eht morf kcab emoc.
Zoltan: Go away Elmo 4, you non-satanic Muppet.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Z̵̨̨̧̡̡̛̞̟͚͔̰̤̖͕̘̭͕̰͎̺͚̙͓̣̲͙͚̮͖͔̣͙̠̞̲̱̦̮̤͕̗̻̯͖̩͖̹̖̈́̈́̾͛͆̃́̋̒͂́̋̆̈́̎̒̈̃̅̾́͊̋̀̿̆̓̑̓̕͝͝͝H̵̢͓̤͔̖̺̣̹̩̦̦̦̫͍͉̗͕̝̦͕̥̙̾̄̓͆̆̒̊̑́̑̄̒̌͋͘͘͠͝ͅͅ ̶̢̧̧̫̰̣̺̬͓͚͚͇͓̩͖̞̜̜̲̼͓͚̝̝̝̫̯͎̞̜̱̟̖̱̰̻͔̭̓͆͆̀̾͐̈͌͗̾̑̊̉̑͛̈́̍̇̍̿́̋͆̏̏̔̂̐̐̊̊̇̀̀̚͘̕͝͝͝͝ͅR̸͓̮̲̬̤̒̇̈̔̈́̂̉̃͆̾̒͛͆͑̅̔͛̈́̔̀̋̈̉̓͒͘̕͝͝͝͝͝Ģ̸̧̙̪̞̳̱̜̝̳̲̣̠̩͍̹͇̫̥̜͔͚̹̺͍̘͖̦͍̯̈́̇̌̂͛̅̓͛̏̈͂̋̄̐͗̓̾̈̾̑̅̿̏͋͆͒́̍̆̍̀͜͝ͅͅͅ ̵̢̧̼̟̺̺̥͎̖̥͉͍͔̩͓̱̘̟̺̙̞̞̤̦̤̻̣̖̙̂̆̍̈́̊̆̍̈̅͛̎̕͜͠͝R̷̨̧̡̲̟̞͇̳͔̼̣͉͔͍̲͉̜͙͔̜̙̳̭̣̮̠͈͉͊̿̅̎̍̄̎͐ͅḨ̵̡̛̛͕͓̹̯̠̭̣͎̗̖̭͎͇̙̤̰͕̙͙̺̫̥̹̼͔̙͍̮̘̬̬̖͇͕̩̯̫͕̱̔̀͒̈́͒̇͆̾̾̊̀͒͊̾́̆̂͐͌̃̐̇͛̊̽̏͐̈́̃̈́̒̔̀̏͘̕̚͘͜͜͠ͅͅ ̶̨̡̛̥̲̩̲̟̪̭̦͈͔̹̖̰̥̞̳̼̰̬̰̪͎͖͍͓͖̹̺̩̪̖̣̯̦̲͚͈̊̿̈̈́͌͒̿͐̈́̉́̈́̎͑͋͊̉̐̿̎̉̅̐̅̈́̎͋̈́̂̉̽͐͌͗̑͊́̓̄́̈́̊͘̚͝͝͠͝ͅR̶̨̨̧̡̛̲͔̯̜̩̱̦̱̜̣̺̲̼̹̗̮̭̱͍̙̘̗͓͕͖̥̺͖̤̼̲̲͊̉̔̀̾̈̌̓̄̇͂̆̊̂̍̓͗͗̉̅̑͌̈̂̄͆͛̕͝ͅM̸̤͎̅͗̔̃͆̏͛͑͌͆̃̂̓̀̽͊̈́̂̽̽̓̋̃̂́́̐̒̉̇́̊͂́͂͠͝͠͠͝ ̶̛̦̅̆͆̑̅̏͒̉̀͗̀̀̓̇͛̆̔̾̎̒̿̐̿̊̃͛͗̒̐͂̈̈̈̑͑̔͋̈́̀͂̕̚̚͘̚͝͝ͅS̸̢̡̛̲̳̼̖͉̰͓̯͎̬̯̲͔̳͍̱̪̥̻̝͇̖̝̱̫̝̝̣̞̳͈̼̮̣̲̞̏͗̐̈̋̉̏̉̍̓͊̆̎̎̄̍͛͝V̶̧͉͉̭͕̻͚̰́̈́̉̿͆̓͘͝Ǒ̶̧̢̨̺̫̗̣̤̼͇̰̝̬̪͍̻̙̦͉̝̮̰͇̖̝̟͕̙̺̳̬̼̜̺̟̗̫̞̂̐͐͒̆͑̈́̅̇͐͋̔̓̕͜ͅO̷̥̼̖̘͓̯̪̓̉̎͑͜͝ ̸̨͉̙̲̗̹̺̼̻̯̼̩͎̺̝̺̲̪͙̭̮̤̺̟͖͖͇̩͍̦̙̟͚̹̖̝̘̝̮͈̓̀͊̽̀̃͋̄̀͗̾̀̃̆͊͂̃̈̈́̎̈̉̇̕̚̚̚͜͜͜͠͝ͅD̶̡̨̨̛̬̜̗̠͍̣͎͓̻̼̱̦͉̰͉̝̙̹̣̞̙̩̝̩̮͎̥͈̘͍͍͈͇̗̘̪̲̱͍̗̋̍̊̏̐͌̆̏͛̽̂́̓̇͋̾̐̾͆̿̋͒̓͗̋̓̄͆̀̍͊̊̕̕̚͠͝ͅV̸̡̡̢̧̰̼̜̫̺̰͙͔̩̪̟̥̖̪̭̮͖̬͓͈͔̯̬̦̲̙͇̦̟͍̼͖͈̯͔̺̂͂̉͆͛̂̉͊̎̅̚͜͠ ̴̧̢̧̡̧̨̨̱͈̗̬̥̳̪͇̺̫̘͙̠̗͉̪͕̲̱̝̥͇̣̞̞̩̥͙̭̗̲̣̲̲̼͈̪͉̩̩͚̏̾̓́̀̐̆͑̇̀̔̈́̉͐́̾̌͊̍̕͜͝ͅḪ̷̢̠̲̤͙͇͓̳͓̻̻̤̫̄͛́̾͌̑̃̔̅̊̈́͗̄̅̎̃͒̍̌͊̊̋̀̈́̃̌͌̒̅̓̋͊̾́͋̓̆͂̓̀̾̓̽̂̚̕͜͝Ş̵̨̭̤̞̙͙̣͈̫̳̦̬̤̠̈̀̆̒̉̀̔̉̽́̏̈́̓̌͆̀̎͂̓̕̚͝͝͠͠ͅͅͅZ̶̧̗͈̘̬̙̜̘̞̮̱̊͆́͐̅́̾̔̃ͅO̸͇̜͈̦̟̻̦͓̖̘͎̗̦͇͖̼̪̞͉̫̳̩̥̠̺̳̒̄̓́̌͊̈́̎̕̕Ơ̷̧̧̧̨̟͓͈̹̗͕̟̦̻̣̦͎̹̘͖͓̺̙̥͚̺̫͉͇̩͖̥̙̟̞̩͓̙̬͔͎̻̹̞͙̈́̽̉͂̇̉̍̓̐̓̒̍́͋̐̎͛̈́̍̈̂̃̏̾̐͌̑̅͆͋̑̓̽̀̊̋̕̚͘̚͜͜ ̴̨̡̛͉͙͈̙̪̖͙̦͍̮̯̩̤̘͙͈̯̩͎̞̥̏̂̏́̇͌̊̎͊͌̔̔́̑̿͂̄̓̆̀͘͜͜͠͝͝͝ͅK̶̨̡̧̛̲̮͍̭̠̝͙̟̮̖̭̦̟͉͉͙͉̪̠̹͔͚͉̱̰̬̳̙̫̼̩͑̈́̈͑͗̿̽̾͐͗̌̍̈́̌͂͗̒̈́̉̈́̽̒̾́͂͆̆͗̌̐͘̚͘͜͝͠I̷̢̡̛̫̲̦̹̮͐̾̋̽͂Z̷̧̡̛̮̲̲̻͈̹͕̻̻̬̺̯̼̝͕͎̩̜̼̙̹̜͈͉̞̠̥͕̣̙̤̝̜̟̰̩̗̲̘̤͙͖̳̄͋̏̽̋͐̂͌͌̉̀͘͝͝Ŗ̷̨̺͉̙̭̝̟͚̣͙̘̮͎͚̩͎̼̦̰̫̟̺̼͈̩̮͎̜̳̟̞͎͕͎̀̂̎͒̈́̾̓͗̈́̃͑͛̃̔̊̄́̇̒̐͐̈́͛͐́̐̀̒͐͂͘̚̚͝͠ͅH̴̢̛̛̛͖̼͇̰̝̝̟͇͈̯̲͎͙͎̞͖͚̘̫̘̠̪͎̯̻̟̜̱͉͎͎̳̳͍͚̺̬͖̤̤͖̝̯̀̇́́͆̀̇̓͒̂̈́̉̋͂̆̓̒̐̒̇̀̉̽͛̾̒͒̇͆̕̚̕͝͝ͅͅͅV̴̧̢̡̡̡̧̛̛̛̮̠̣̖̫̲͈͎̼̘͓̳̫̮̰̭̟̲̹̮̝̺̯̹̙͎̺̣̗͖͖̙͕͖̖̞͚̞͍̘̘̓̑͊̀͑͒̀̈͛͛̊́̐̎̇̒̉̓̓͌̈́͒̍̇͌̔́̽̾̍̆̿͌͒̇͘͘̚͘̚͘̚̚͜͠͠͝ͅͅ ̶̡̡̧̨̧͔͚̣̼̞̞̻̹͓̞̮̠̳͓͎͍͓͖̗̰͔̙͖͔͉͕̐̓͐͜͜ͅB̸̩̹̖͔̬̤̘͚̪͉̳͔̹̈͐̇̌͂́̂̃̍͑̏͗̏̌̑̒̎͊̐͂̈́̇̈́̆͗͑͗͗͘̚͘͝͝͝͝L̴̡̧̡̧̛͙̩͇͍̘̝̱͎͓͓͕̜͉̟͚̥̘͎͇̮̜̮͈͎̳͇̗̲̩̩̬͎͚̬̯͚̠̟̥̫̯͍̰͕̊̿̾̆́̍̐͂́̇͆͋͑̋̏̐̄́̈̌͌̎̀̌̇̆̄̿̃̍̊͆̌͆̽͛͑̈͐̾͘̚͘̚̚ͅͅF̸̨̧̪̣̟̹̰͕̙̪̠̜͓̮̣͓̙̩͈̫̼̼̪͔̺͚̈́́́̓͋̀̂̑̕͜Į̴̢̡̨̢̨͖̦̫͎̱̟͖̘̩̹̪͖̯̦̝̦͇͖̤̰̹̠̣̭̥̟͍̭͍̱̫̝̻̮̝̥̦̗͖̝͗̐̿͋̈́̏̏͘̚̕ͅͅͅ ̶̡̢̨̧̨̛̛̠̙͈͚͎̖̤̼̮͚̝͓̘̲̼̮͕͓͚͈̤̲̹͚̠̼̓͐͆̌̌̊̃͌͌̋̀̽̌͆͝ͅF̴̛̛̛̫͇̠̝̝͓̩̰̝̩̟̞̖̘̟̪̳̞̠̞͕̣͒̃̔̌̿̔͒͌͆̑̏̽̂͛̃̍͌̉͆̓͐̈́͌̃͗́̀́̏̓͂̇̉͌͌͌̑̉͒̽͊̂̚͜͝ͅM̵̨̧̡̧̧̛̱͎̼̥̮͈͍͉͎̭̬̳̞̘̞̠͇̫̹͚̘̭̮͉̻͉̝̬̯̦̹̞̳̰̻̩̝̖̠̫̺̊̿̈́̊̌̏͆̀̇̐̚͜͠ͅͅS̴̡͙̮̗̥̺̬̼͙̥̤̬͔̩̮̙̮̩̱͓͙̙̜͓̜̟͍͓̭̠̦̘̖̙̟̲͙̲͉̮̩̄̉̈́̎̀̆̐̃͊̅͛͌̿̋̂͊̎̿͑̓̐̐͌̚͘̚̚͜͠͠ͅL̶̡̧̧͍̤̜̝̬̲̹̹̘̥̩̻͎̘̹͈͙̤̲̰̭̦̬̲̣̂͐̎̎̐̋͒̀̑̽͛̅̽̊̅́̈́̓͜ͅO̶̪͕̖̬̟͌̎B̶̨̧̢̨̧̡̛̥̰̳̬̬̘̙̰̞͚̜͙͔̘̜̩̗͓̼͇̹̊̈̀͊̓̿̄͂̑̈́̓͋̽͆͊̓̑̓̆̃͂́̚̕͘̚͘͠͝͝ ̸̣͚͎̬͙͓̺̠̺̻̤̦̯͙͈̬̗̜͔̬̃̅̄͜M̷̢̧̡͉̠̘͍͇͇͔̺̟̣̬͔͔͎̭͎͕̤̪͇͓̖̤̠̘͈̹̝̲͔̗̭̲̰̝̈̔̒̽͂͠ͅͅZ̸̨̢̧̡̢̠͚̟̤̲̩͍͇̜͉̻̞̞̭̤̹͙̩͍̞̙͔͖͖̞̯̰͉̬͙̫̹̘͎̫̏͆̾̂͗͌͋͑̽́̏̈̓̓̆̑̊̑̒̃͛̓̀͗̂̒̈́͋̐̐̀͘͘͘̚͠͝Ņ̴͉̹͆́̐͑̈̃͐̂̀̎͌͋̒͊̾̏̑̊͑͂̑̓̀̕͘͠͝͠V̵̢̨̡̡̧̨̢̡̯̖̤͎̹͓͈̘̻͎͚͉̻̠͍̺̻̺̩͍̩̰̜̦̺̫̟̙̯̖̼̤̦̦̪͓͎̺́͊͊̓̈̑̈̽̓̏͌́̿̎̍͌́͗́͒͆͋́̔͊͜͝
Pluto: Jesus Christ, that took up a good paragraph.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: HAIL SATAN!
[SpongeBot comes back from death]
SpongeBot: Hi!
Jess: My mum!
Aaron: My daughter!
Zoltan: My dinner maker!
Daddy Pig: My distant relative!
Pluto: Stop showing the camera to me during these emotional times.
[laugh track, and then a group hug ensued.]
SpongeBot: I’m so glad I’m alive again!
Zoltan: Yeah, me too! This is the best family ever.
Elmo 5: We are happy family.
SpongeBot: Aww. That’s cute.
Zoltan: You know, all of this happiness makes me have to piss, I’ll be right back everyone.
[Zoltan goes to the toilet]
SpongeBot: Well this is awkward.
[Several screams are heard, Zoltan comes out]
SpongeBot: Oh hey, welcome back Zoltan. Did you have a nice piss?
Zoltan: It was great actually. By the way, have you ever killed any Romanians? As- Asking for a friend.
SpongeBot: Oh no, this was all in a dream I had.
Zoltan: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: Zoltan is supposed to be dead.
Zoltan: Wait what the fuck?
Narrator: Jesus Christ, I don’t get paid enough for this.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I am supposed to die.
[Zoltan fucking dies]
SpongeBot: I don't think that's how it works.
Narrator: Zoltan died of testicular cancer.
SpongeBot: Oh that explains it. HOLY CRAP! ZOLTAN IS DEAD!
CrazySponge: Well it was bound to happen eventually.
[A houses crushes CrazySponge]
SpongeBot: oh god oh fuck
[Laugh track. Pluto walks in. Applause and cheers.]
Pluto: Hello everyo- Woah ass ahoy, Zoltan fucking died!
SpongeBot: Huh I hadn’t noticed.
[Doorbell rings.]
SpongeBot: Who’s ringing the doorbell during my husband’s death?
[SpongeBot opens the door to find Zoltan’s Mum. Applause and cheers.]
Zoltan’s Mum: How’s my least favorite in-laws?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ma'am I hate to break it to you but your son is dead.
Zoltan’s Mum: Nonsense, he is probably on his period.
SpongeBot: You want to smell his corpse?
Zoltan's Mum: mmmmmm yes
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: He's right over there. [points to a dead Zoltan, and his mum sniffs him]
Zoltan's Mum: DEAR GOD, HIS PERIOD HAS GOTTEN WORSE!
[Laugh track]
God: Someone called?
SpongeBot: Not now God.
[Laugh track. God disappears.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, why didn’t you ask him to make Zoltan not be on his period?
[Jess notices Zoltan]
Jess: What’s up with Zoltan?
Zoltan's Mum: period
[Laugh track.]
Jess: I dunno he looks dead to me.
Zoltan’s Mum: I must call his brother, he must hear this.
Jess: Dad has a brother?
[Tan walks in. Applause and cheers.]
Tan: Have you heard about this producer named Dan Schneider? God, I hope he isn’t a pervert.
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Good morning, Tan. Your brother is dead.
[Laugh track.]
Tan: WHAT?! Which one? I have like 30.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Zoltan.
Zoltan: I am dead.
Zoltan’s Mum: Shut up, you are dead.
Zoltan: Oh right. [dies again]
SpongeBot: God damn it God.
God: [shrugs]
[laugh track]
Tan: I can’t believe it… first Suzy Sheep and now my own brother!
Jess: Do you know how we can bring Zoltan back, uncle Tan?
SpongeBot: Wait a second, I just remembered something that nobody remembers about. Aren't you Luz from the Owl House?
Jess: I don’t even know anymore.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Can't you like try using your witchy powers to bring Zoltan back to life?
Jess: Well… I can try, but I don't make any promises.
Pluto: Maybe we need to make a deal with the Grim Reaper or something.
Director: Cut-cut. [Walks over to Pluto] What the fuck, you couldn’t wait to say that? Where was the suspense? Alright, let’s redo that. Action.
Pluto: yeah I'm not redoing that scene. Anyway, what do you guys think?
[Elmo 5 crawls in]
Elmo 5: Dadda?
Pluto: I’m gonna go to sleep for a very long time, because the director will kill me if I don’t. Goodbye everyone.
Jess: Sweet dreams, lesbianator prince.
Pluto: I’m your husband.
Jess: Right, I totally remembered that.
[laugh track]
Jess: Anyway like I was saying, I could try to use my magic to bring Zoltan back. [she pulls out a magic spell book and pages through it] Aha! The revival spell.
Zoltan’s Mum: You idiot he's supposed to be dead.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Not for long, hopefully.
Elmo 5: I want my dad back, and yes, I can unironically speak in full sentences.
Jess: Shut up infant. It's time for the revival spell. Here goes… Quamvis XIII cento hominum conplectatur, nigri LIII cento criminis committunt!
[The spell doesn’t work, as Zoltan is still dead, but we hear a loud Hoopla down the street.]
SpongeBot: You just killed Aidan!
Jess: oh god oh fuck
[Laugh track because CrazySponge dying is still funny in 2022 apparently.]
Tan: You guys still do that?
Jess: Wait, isn't there a series about him dying or something?
SpongeBot: We don’t talk about that.
Tan: Huh, apparently the series is still going and it is now run by Zoltan and airs on Zig-Zag. You should probably check it out.
[Laugh track because we became an ad]
Jess: Yeah no.
[Existant walks in]
Existant: i'm a communist and my dad is a nazi.
Tan: OFF TOPIC!
[laugh track]
Elmo 5: Mommy, is daddy dead?
SpongeBot: No, he’s… invisible.
Elmo 5: Do you think I’m [FANDOM CENSORED]?
SpongeBot: Well yes but, he’s invisible.
[laugh track because r word funny]
Fandom: HEY! NO SLURS!
[laugh track because Fandom]
SpongeBot: I've already been globalled before, just take me in already.
Elmo 5: Don’t worry, with my autism powers I can revive Zoltan.
SpongeBot: Wait really?
Elmo 5: Yeah, but I need some ice cream to do it.
SpongeBot: There's always some in the fridge.
Elmo 5: Yay thanks mommy!
[Elmo 5 opens the fridge to find no ice cream]
Elmo 5: Mom you lied to me! There's no ice cream in here!
SpongeBot: I wonder who ate it last?
[Jess walks in again, eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream.]
Jess: Mmmm, guys this chocolate ice cream is delicious. Clearly the perfect winter snack.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: YOU EEJIT! YOU ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM!
Jess: Zoltan would be so mad right now.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Well fuck me, where are we supposed to get more ice cream from?
Jess: I dunno, Tesco?
SpongeBot: We’re banned from there, remember?
Jess: How the fuck does someone get banned from Tesco?!
SpongeBot: Remember the turkey incident?
[Laugh track. They all hear someone speaking French in the distance]
SpongeBot: Oh no… not the French!
French Guy: Bonjour, bitches!
[Laugh track because French is funny.]
Jess: I hate to ask you out of all people but, do you have any ice cream?
French Guy: Oui I do! Le special French ice cream, hoh hoh! But first, you must do me a favor.
SpongeBot: I dread what this favour is.
French Guy: J'ai besoin de baguettes.
SpongeBot: Je ne parle pas français.
[laugh track]
French Guy: I need baguettes you connard.
SpongeBot: Oh I see. Isn't that just bread but French sounding?
French Guy: No, baguettes are special and different from other kinds of bread.
SpongeBot: Yeah whatever. I'll just go to the supermarket or something, be right back.
[One trip to the supermarket later…]
SpongeBot: Okay here's the stupid baguettes you requested. [hands French Guy the bag of baguettes]
French Guy: Yum!
[He eats one]
French Guy: This is very dry. Can you give me some German sausage?
SpongeBot: I thought you were French.
French Guy: Well yes, but I tried some of Mike’s sausage once and it tasted great!
[Laugh track because gay]
SpongeBot: Well I guess I'll just ask the man himself. Is Mike even still here?
Mike: Yes, you called?
SpongeBot: Could we have some of your German sausage?
Mike: That sounds hella sus not gonna lie.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: I'm serious.
Mike: Well fine, but first, can you sell one of my paintings?
[pause]
SpongeBot: *sigh* Yes…
Mike: Fuck yeah!
SpongeBot: Wait, I didn't know you were an artist.
Mike: Oh yeah, I went to art school actually.. or at least I got rejected from one.
SpongeBot: Aw. Which one?
Mike: The Academy of Fine Arts, Vienna, Austria.
[laugh track]
Elmo 5: Mommy, when can I eat my ice cream?
SpongeBot: Soon, go play in your room while I talk with your grandparents.
Elmo 5: Okay!
[Elmo 5 walks into her room where Elmo 3 and 4 are]
Elmo 5: Hi brothers 3 and 4!
Elmo 3: Why is this imbecile female here?
Elmo 4: I don’t know, she is so annoying.
Elmo 3: We have to get rid of her!
[Cut back to SpongeBot and Mike]
SpongeBot: So how am I going to sell one of your paintings anyway?
Mike: Just sell it to anyone, surely someone will want to buy it.
[Six hours pass, and no one buys Mike’s painting]
Mike: Verdammte Juden, why won’t anyone buy my painting?
SpongeBot: Maybe because your paintings look like the ass of a hippopotamus.
[laugh track]
Mike: THEY ARE NOT THE ASS OF A HIPPO, YOU HURE.
SpongeBot: Wait, I have an idea.
[SpongeBot takes a picture of Mike’s painting with her phone.]
SpongeBot: There. It’s an NFT now.
Mike: NOOOOOO
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: But I thought you liked NFTs.
Mike: BUT BUT BUT-
SpongeBot: How else am I supposed to sell it then?
Mike: Tan might buy it off of ya.
SpongeBot: *sigh* I’m gonna be here all day, aren’t I?
Mike: Ja, du bist.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: TAN!!!!
[Tan runs into the room]
Tan: Isn’t it funny that around the same time I started watching iCarly I also got a foot fetish?
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hey Tan, do you wanna buy this painting?
Tan: Was it on the set of iCarly?
SpongeBot: Um-
Tan: Is it a Bob Ross painting?
SpongeBot: …perhaps.
[laugh track]
Tan: Great! How much is it?
SpongeBot: I don’t know. I never thought I’d get this far.
Mike: How much you got?
Tan: Uh… I have one Chuck E. Cheese coin.
Mike: That works for me.
SpongeBot: GREAT! FINAL-
Tan: But I can’t buy it right now.
SpongeBot: FOR F*CK’S SAKE!
Tan: I have to finish this iCarly episode! But speaking of iCarly, could you buy me this Victorious DVD?
[pause]
SpongeBot: …and who the hell do I have to buy that from?
Tan: I dunno. Zoltan’s Mum used to buy them for me.
SpongeBot: Oh my fucking God. And where is Zoltan’s Mum?
Tan: Last I checked she was in the garden. She said something like “If fish can live underwater, then so can I!” And then she went into the pool.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Okay, I’m going to the pool.
[Cut to Elmo 3 and Elmo 4 planning]
Elmo 3: Okay, so we need to kill her somehow, but how?
Elmo 4: Woah there, 3, she is our sister! We can’t kill her!
Elmo 3: But she gets all the attention! It’s not fair!
Elmo 4: Maybe we should just get her out of this house.
Elmo 3: Of course! Let’s give her to another family!
Elmo 4: Well I didn’t really mean it like that, I just-
Elmo 3: You are a genius, 4!
Elmo 4: Well yes, I am.
[Laugh track; cut to SpongeBot walking out into the garden to find Zoltan’s Mum dead in the pool. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Hey… Zoltan’s Mum?
[pause]
SpongeBot: Zoltan’s Mum?
[pause]
SpongeBot: get free sex at sex dot com
[Zoltan’s Mum suddenly undies.]
Zoltan’s Mum: FREE SEX?
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Oh it’s you. The bloody hell do you want?
SpongeBot: Do you have any Victorious DVDs I can have to give to Tan so I can sell a painting to him to get a German sausage from Mike to go with French Guy’s french baguette so I can buy some special ice cream from him to un-kill your son.
Zoltan’s Mum: Well that’s a bit excessive.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: But do you have one?
Zoltan’s Mum: I do believe I do, love.
SpongeBot: Oh thank fu-
Zoltan’s Mum: On one condition.
SpongeBot: …what’s the condition?
Zoltan’s Mum: Set me up with Scatman John and the DVD is yours.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: You want me to make Scatman John fall in love with you so I can get a Victorious DVD?
Zoltan’s Mum: Do you want the DVD or not?
SpongeBot: They go for like £1.50 at CeX! This really isn’t that big of an ask!
Zoltan’s Mum: MAKE THE SCATMAN LOVE ME!
SpongeBot: JESUS CHRIST OKAY!
[cut to SpongeBot in a graveyard]
SpongeBot: Now where is he?
[She finds a grave with Scatman John written on it]
SpongeBot: Uh… I’m calling out from Scatland…
[Scatman comes back from death]
Scatman: I’m calling out from Scatman’s World!
SpongeBot: Hey John, want to date someone?
Scatman: Sure, what’s their name?
SpongeBot: Zoltan’s Mum.
Scatman: But what’s her real name?
SpongeBot: That is her real name.
Scatman: Well it’s a weird name, but I would still date her.
SpongeBot: GREAT!
[Cut to Elmo 5 in the living room with Jess]
Elmo 5: Jess, if we are in the living room why doesn’t dad just live again?
Jess: Because that’s called irony, young Muppet.
[Daddy Pig enters the room]
Daddy Pig: Hi everyone. I heard that Zoltan died, so I thought I would bring Suzy Sheep to be with him.
Jess: What?
Daddy Pig: I brought her dead body here.
[Laugh track]
Jess: But isn’t Suzy Sheep a lesbian?
Daddy Pig: Peppa has been very distraught at the death of her little girlfriend. It’s a shame her life had to end like this.
Narrator: To donate money for the Sheep family, go to www.freesex dot com…
[Laugh track]
Daddy Pig: I will put the body right next to Zoltan.
[Daddy Pig puts mutton on a plate next to Zoltan; laugh track]
Jess: Oh wow, is that really her?
Daddy Pig: Yes.
Elmo 5: tasty!
Jess: NO ELMO! SUZY IS NOT FOOD!
Elmo 5: Oh, but she smells delicious.
Jess: Daddy Pig, did you really have to put her dead body here?
Daddy Pig: Yes! Now I am going to be sleeping.
Jess: Great, I should do that too.
Elmo 5: I am going to play outside!
[Elmo’s 3 & 4 enter]
Elmo 5: Hi brothers!
Elmo 3: Enough chit-chat, you blasted buffoon.
Elmo 4: We’re here to sell you to another family.
Elmo 5: But isn’t slavery illegal?
Elmo 3: It isn’t slavery, but it may be illegal.
[Laugh track]
Elmo 5: That doesn’t sound good.
Elmo 4: Just… look! There’s ice cream in the bag!
Elmo 5: HOORAY!
[Elmo 5 jumps into the bag and the other Elmos grab it]
Elmo 3: We got her, let’s get this bag out of here!
[Cut to Scatman and Zoltan’s Mum dating]
Zoltan’s Mum: You are so beautiful!
Scatman: You are too, Zoltan’s Mum!
Zoltan’s Mum: Why thank you!
[They kiss, and Scatman dies]
Zoltan’s Mum: Why does this always happen?
[Laugh track; Cut to SpongeBot coming back into the house]
SpongeBot: Hey Tan, here’s the DVD you wanted.
Tan: Finally, so what did you want me to do?
SpongeBot: Buy the f*cking painting.
Tan: Okay, okay! Here’s your Chuck E. Cheese coin.
[Tan gives the coin to Mike]
Mike: I AM RICH! HERE’S THE PAINTING!
[Mike gives Tan the painting]
Tan: I am going to watch iCarly now.
[Tan disappears]
Mike: Oh, and here’s the Würst.
[Mike gives SpongeBot a sausage]
SpongeBot: GREAT! Now all I need to do is give it to French Guy!
Mike: Yeah, do that! I’m going to make NFTs now!
[Cut to SpongeBot talking to French Guy]
French Guy: And you went through all that just so I can give you ice cream?
SpongeBot: Yeah.
French Guy: Well it’s almost done…
[SpongeBot waits for a few seconds]
SpongeBot: Is it done yet?
French Guy: Almost… and… any second now… it’s…FINISHED!
SpongeBot: FINALLY!
[SpongeBot grabs the ice cream]
French Guy: It will be 50 Euros.
SpongeBot: Go fuck yourself.
French GUy: Whatever, I’m going back to France!
[SpongeBob starts searching for Elmo 5]
SpongeBot: Elmo 5! Where are you?
[Elmo 3 appears]
Elmo 3: Mother, your daughter said that she is leaving this house to find a new family.
SpongeBot: WHAT?!
Elmo 3: She is no longer here.
SpongeBot: ELMO 5! HERE’S YOUR ICE CREAM!
[Elmo 5 appears]
Elmo 3: WHAT THE?!
Elmo 5: Ice cream!
[She eats all of it]
Elmo 5: That was quite tasty.
SpongeBot: So will you revive Zoltan now?
Elmo 5: Yeah. !vhri lg vnrg h'gR !kvvoh g'mlW !vpzdz vY .dlm gstri pzvkh R wzvw vsg lG
[Suzy Sheep comes back to life]
Suzy Sheep: Oh my God, I’m alive!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: The wrong person? Again? Why does this keep happening?
[Jess wakes up]
Jess: NO! THE PEPPA PIG ROLEPLAY BIBLE STATES: “Suzy Sheep mustn’t be alive.”
Suzy Sheep: Damn it. *dies*
[Laugh track]
Daddy Pig: WHA- SUZY SHEEP WAS ALIVE AGAIN?!
Jess: No, it was all a dream.
Daddy Pig: Oh okay. *falls asleep*
[Laugh track]
Elmo 5: oops
[The Grim Reaper appears]
Grim Reaper: Fucking hell mate, I’m tired of these accidental revivals. Can you people revive responsibly for once?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hi Grim Reaper.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Hello!
Grim Reaper: What do you want?
SpongeBot: Hmm… Do you have the soul of Zoltan?
Grim Reaper: Well yes, I do.
SpongeBot: GREAT! Can you give it to me?
Grim Reaper: Well… if you do me a favour.
Jess: Oh my God, you’re British.
SpongeBot: *sigh* What is it?
Grim Reaper: Give me the soul of Dead Squidward.
SpongeBot: …how?
Grim Reaper: Give me his credit card.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Okay…
[SpongeBot gives a fake credit card to the Grim Reaper]
Grim Reaper: Thank you!
SpongeBot: So can we get Zoltan’s soul back now?
Grim Reaper: Yeah.
[The Grim Reaper gives SpongeBot the soul of Zoltan]
SpongeBot: Goodbye!
Grim Reaper: Bye.
[SpongeBot takes the fake credit card back from the Grim Reaper as he leaves]
SpongeBot: Okay, with my Super Advanced Doxxing Device, I can get his full address just from his fingerprints!
[Laugh track. She scans the credit card.]
SpongeBot: Hmm… It seems that the Grim Reaper lives in… Vancouver!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What?
SpongeBot: Canada is the last place I expected the Grim Reaper to live in.
Jess: So are we reviving Zoltan or?
SpongeBot: Oh right.
[SpongeBot throws Zoltan’s soul into his body, and he comes back to life]
Zoltan: I’M ALIVE AGAIN!
SpongeBot: YES!
Jess: Everyone! Look! Zoltan is back!
Elmo 5: I did this!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Sure…
[Liz enters]
Liz: Oh, hi Zoltan.
[Daddy Pig wakes up]
Daddy Pig: Is it Easter?
Zoltan: …no?
Daddy Pig: Well then I am going back home.
[Daddy Pig leaves]
SpongeBot: Well Zoltan, welcome back!
Zoltan: I need a drink.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Good ol’ Zoltan!
SpongeBot: Oh look, Suzy’s remains are still here. I am going to put them on the dinner table, I’m sure that this decision won’t result in hilarious consequences.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Yeah, I’m sure absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen because of this. Cheers!
French Narrator: The next day…
[Cut to the kitchen]
Zoltan: Babe I love you.
SpongeBot: Aww I love you too.
Zoltan: Now that I’m alive again, start making lunch, woman.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Alright, fine. I’ll make you some cooked sheep.
Zoltan: YAY
[SpongeBot starts cooking lunch]
Suzy Sheep: what the hell
SpongeBot: I don’t think it is supposed to be alive. Eh, it’s probably still edible.
[Laugh track]
Suzy Sheep: STOP! IT HURTS!
SpongeBot: Aww… It’s so cute!
Suzy Sheep: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
SpongeBot: Maybe if I throw fire on it it will stop screaming.
[SpongeBot throws fire at her]
Suzy Sheep: OH MY GOD I AM DYING BUT I AM ALREADY DEAD
SpongeBot: Shut up, and be food!
[Laugh track]
Suzy Sheep: äĐđĐíđä[đäß[äđí[äßđí[|Í[a
[Suzy Sheep dies]
SpongeBot: Finally, it stopped.
[The stove starts burning]
SpongeBot: oops
[Laugh track]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. SpongeBot has started a fire!
Zoltan: SHUT YOUR WHORE ASS MOUTH
SpongeBot: QUICK, POUR SOME WATER ON IT!!
Zoltan: I got GGJ, if you want it.
[Jess walks in.]
Jess: Hey all, Jess he- woah fire ahoy!
SpongeBot: We’re kind of in the middle of a house crisis right now, Jess! HELP!
Jess: Sorry I never went to school for fire safety so you’re kinda on your own here.
SpongeBot: [sighs] Oh my God…
[The fire alarm goes off.]
SpongeBot: Alright, everyone evacuate!
[Cut to the entire Full Server family standing outside the Full Server house, which isn’t even a house anymore because it has burned down.]
Pluto: It’s amazing none of us were harmed.
[Suddenly, a loud “Hoopla!” is heard from the building.]
Pluto: Oh god oh fuck
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear, CrazySponge has died.
Zoltan: There’s an entire series about that. You should read it.
Jess: So, what do we do now?
Zoltan: We should call someone to rebuild the house.
Jess: Let’s call Daddy Pig!
Pluto: Oh my God! You always find a way to make everything about Daddy Pig!
Jess: No seriously, we should call Daddy Pig. He’s a qualified structural engineer.
Zoltan: Okay. SpongeBot, call Daddy Pig!
SpongeBot: I thought I was just a woman whose only purpose in life is to make food in the kitch-
Zoltan: CALL DADDY PIG!
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: *starts pushing numbers on her phone* Hi, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: *on the phone* Is it Easter?
SpongeBot: No…
Daddy Pig: *phone* Then what do you want?
SpongeBot: Can you fix our house? It kind of… burned down.
Daddy Pig: *phone* Of course! I am a bit of an expert at building!
SpongeBot: Great! *hangs up the phone* Well that was easy.
Zoltan: Now what?
CartoonGuy: Let’s go on a road trip!
Jess: Ignacio, our house just burned down.
[laugh track]
CartoonGuy: ROAD TRIP!
SpongeBot: To…?
Zoltan: Yemen.
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: ROAD TRIP TO YEMEN!!
SpongeBot: You can’t be serious.
Zoltan: I’m as serious as Suzy Sheep’s death.
Jess: Technically doesn’t this mean Suzy Sheep caused our house to burn down?
Zoltan: I guess.
SpongeBot: She’s going to haunt us forever!
Aaron: Oh my God, what happened?
Zoltan: Oh hey Aaron, I forgot you existed.
Aaron: I was listening to Music.
Purple: Say there Caldwell, why do you snigger?
I snigger from all the niggling chiggers!
The snigger was triggered by niggling chiggers?
Indeed it was, now my sniggers grow bigger.
Sounds like you need a drink, take a swig from this jigger!
CartoonGuy: ooh slurs
Purple: Actually, for your information, Ignacio, they weren’t slurs. Snigger is an alternative way of saying snicker, which means chuckle. Niggling means annoying, and a chigger is a tropical flea. And a jigger is simply just a small, round metal container used for measuring strong alcoholic drinks, or the amount of alcohol that this container holds.
Aaron: Alright I think we get the point, Joel, you’re a racist.
Purple: I AM NOT A RACIST! I’m just an ironic racist!
[Laugh track]
Dan: Why did we have to leave? I was about to orgasm!
SpongeBot: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we just go to Yemen already?
Zoltan: Pack your bags everyone, we’re going to Yemen!
SpongeBot: Zoltan, all our stuff burned down in the house. All I have left with me is my phone, which I only have three pirated shows I can watch o- OH MY GOD THERE'S BRAND NEW BUBBLE GUPPIES WEEKENDS FROM 9 ON NICK JR UK!
Zoltan: [slaps the phone out of SpongeBot’s hand] NO PIRACY!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: So this is gonna be like one of those cartoon episodes, huh?
Zoltan: Yup! And you’re going to drive!
SpongeBot: But then I can’t watch 5star while on the road!
Zoltan: TOO BAD!
SpongeBot: But I wanted to watch home and awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
[laugh track]
Zoltan: You can watch it when Daddy Pig finishes rebuilding the house.
SpongeBot: Fine.
Zoltan: Wait, you drank LOTS of alcohol, right?
SpongeBot: As always.
Zoltan: Great! Let’s go!
[Cut to everyone in a stolen RV with their things, with SpongeBot ready to drive]
Jess: Wait, stolen? Since when?
Zoltan: Since now.
[Laugh track. SpongeBot turns on the engine and starts driving along the road]
Jess: And the road trip has begun! Ooh ooh, can we sing the road trip song from SpongeBob?
Pluto: No honey, we’d get copyright claimed by Viacom.
Jess: DAMN IT!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: But we can sing the Hot Diggity Dog song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!
Jess: How about a compromise and we sing the Peppa Pig theme song?
Pluto: Fine by me.
Jess: Alright then. I'm Peppa Pig. [oinks]
SpongeBot: I'm not playing along, I need to focus on driving.
CartoonGuy: This is my little brother George. [farts]
Jess: Did you fart instead of oink like a normal person?
CartoonGuy: Hey I had to get it out somehow.
Zoltan: NO FART JOKES!
CartoonGuy: What's wrong with pedo jokes?
Zoltan: Okay those are fine.
[Laugh track, Zoltan’s phone starting ringing, and he picks it up.]
Zoltan: Zoltan City, what’s your favorite color?
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Hi, it’s Daddy Pig. So er, I’ve just run the numbers and to build your new house I’ll require one thousand, eight hundred quid per square meter.
Zoltan: Don’t worry Daddy Pig I can give you all of SpongeBot’s mon- I mean my money.
Daddy Pig: Cool, thank you for your patronage. Your new house should be finished in around one year, with an additional year prior to that for research and pre-planning.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: WOAH WOAH WOAH!
Daddy Pig: What? You can’t expect me to build an entire house in a few hours!
Zoltan: YOU NEED TO SPEED UP!
Daddy Pig: Speed up? I mean… you could always buy our fast track pass.
[Zoltan turns to SpongeBot.]
SpongeBot: Fuck it.
Daddy Pig: Thank you. Your house will be completed in about an hour.
Zoltan: Thanks Daddy Pig. (hangs up)
Jess: Daddy Pig is so nice.
Zoltan: I know, right? I hope we don’t end up in Slovenia.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Wait what is that on the road the-
[SpongeBot runs over someone]
Zoltan: WHAT THE?!
Jess: What was that?!
SpongeBot: I thought it was Big Bird but then I realised it was Ned Flanders.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh okay.
[Laugh track]
Jess: I forgot he was a character in the series.
[Cut to Ned Flanders on the road]
Ned Flanders: Hi diddly ho, car that ran over me.
[Laugh track as he dies. Cut back to the family in the car.]
Jess: Are we almost in Yemen?
SpongeBot: No idea, I am drunk as fuck right n-
[SpongeBot collapses on the wheel. Laugh track.]
Jess: OH GOD OH FUCK WE’VE LOST HER!
Zoltan: Yeah, and?
[Laugh track]
Jess: NO ONE’S DRIVING THE CAR!
Zoltan: I don’t really see how that’s a problem.
CartoonGuy: HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?!
Zoltan: I dunno but first, a word from our sponsor:
[Ad break]
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[Ad break over]
Zoltan: Okay, who here knows how to drive?
Jess: I don't know how to drive, sorry.
Zoltan: YOU DO NOW!
[Zoltan pushes SpongeBot out of the driver's seat and puts Jess there instead. Laugh track]
Jess: We're all gonna die.
Zoltan: JUST DRIVE!
Jess: Okay okay fine.
[Zoltan’s phone rings again and he picks up the call]
Zoltan: Bruh
Jasbre: Is your refrigerator running?
Zoltan: JASBRE THE BLACK FUCK? I thought you died!
Jasbre: I AM NOT A BLACK DUCK! That's it. [hangs up, laugh track. Sirens are heard from behind]
Jess: Uh oh.
Pluto: What is it wife?
Jess: I hear sirens.
SpongeBot: [suddenly waking up] FUCK! IT’S THE POLICE! I’M NOT A PIRATE I SWEAR!
[laugh track]
Zoltan: JESS GO FASTER FASTER FASTER!
Pluto: I KNOWNRED FASTER THE RED FASTER
Jess: We're gonna die if I go any faster!
Zoltan: DEATH IS INEVITABLE, JUST FLOOR IT!
[Jess pushes the gas pedal harder, making the speedometer go up to 70 miles per hour.]
SpongeBot: Awesome, now I can finally watch Channel 5. [gets on her phone to watch Channel 5. Laugh track]
Jess: Uhh the door next to my seat just fell off. Is that normal?
SpongeBot: Yeah.
Jess: Okay thanks mum, love you.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Do I smell smoke?
Zoltan: FUCK
Jess: Okay uh, I think at this point we should just jump ship and ditch the vehicle.
Pluto: I think I even SEE the smoke now.
SpongeBot: Why does Peppa Pig have a new voice actor?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Yeah ditching the vehicle doesn't sound dangerous at all.
[They all start hearing a sizzling noise]
Zoltan: We need to get out NOW!
Jess: Okay, on the count of three. One… two… THREE!
[Everyone jumps out of the vehicle at once, which is now tumbling to its demise]
Pluto: Ouch that hurt a shit ton. Where are we anyway?
[They all look up to see a sign that says “Bienvenue en France bande de connards”. Laugh track]
Zoltan: Well that's not very nice. Also fuck we’re in France.
Jess: NOOOOOOOO
Pluto: Jessica! You were supposed to take us to Yemen!
Jess: Fuck! I knew I shouldn’t have merged without looking!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: I guess we're gonna have to go to Yemen by foot.
Pluto: Which way even is Yemen?
SpongeBot: Beats me. Also I think SpongeBob has schizophrenia.
Zoltan: STOP WATCHING CHANNEL 5 AND BE A GOOD WIFE!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Sowwy.
[SpongeBot turns off her phone]
Zoltan: Good wife.
[Zoltan’s phone starts ringing and he picks it up]
Zoltan: Hello, I’m Zoltan City and I remember it so you don’t have to!
Daddy Pig: Okay, the house is finished!
Zoltan: HOORAY!
Daddy Pig: But I think there were some issues…
Zoltan: It can’t be that bad.
Daddy Pig: Hold on, I’ll just text you something.
[Daddy Pig texts Zoltan a picture of the new house. It is upside down.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig has built the house the wrong way round.
Zoltan: WHAT THE FUCK DADDY PIG?! DO YOU LIVE IN AUSTRALIA?!
[laugh track]
Daddy Pig: It wasn’t my fault! It was the blueprints, I swear!
Zoltan: THEN REBUILD IT!
Daddy Pig: Okay, but that will cost-
Zoltan: I DON’T CARE! HERE’S MY WIFE’S AND DAD’S AND JESS’ MON- I mean my money.
[Laugh track]
Daddy Pig: Cool, thanks! Just Apple Pay me the money and I’ll get it sorted soon.
Zoltan: But I use Android.
Daddy Pig: Bye!
Zoltan: Bye.
[Zoltan hangs up the phone. Cut to the group walking down a French highway.]
Zoltan: Thanks to JESS, we’re lost in the middle of France! That’s the worst country there is!
SpongeBot: Wait, don’t you know someone in France we could ask for help, Zoltan?
Zoltan: Nope, I do not know anyone who lives in France whatsoever.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: No, I swear there was someone you know who lives here. I can’t remember his name though, it was like… France Man or something.
French Guy: Bonjour les baisers!
Zoltan: Oh my God it’s him again.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh French Guy, you have already arrived! Could you help us? See, we’re in a bit of a SpongeBother. We were trying to go to Yemen, but accidentally ended up in Paris.
French Guy: Vous vous êtes retrouvé à Paris en essayant de vous rendre au Yémen? Oh, c'est un cornichon en effet!
SpongeBot: Um, what did he say?
Zoltan: He said “fuck you”.
[Laugh track.]
French Guy: Get out of this country. I don’t want any British bastards here. This place is for the French only!
Jess: But we’re not British. We’re um… Australian.
CartoonGuy: G’day mate. Nice day for a barbie, eh?
French Guy: I do not give le fuck.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Can you at least give us a car or something?
French Guy: No, you dirty British!
SpongeBot: *sigh* Fine.
[SpongeBot jumps into French Guy’s car that appears out of nowhere]
SpongeBot: EVERYONE GET IN THE CAR!
French Guy: WHAT LE FUCK?!
[The whole family gets into the car]
Jess: Okay, I’ve played Mario Kart before so I’ll drive again.
Zoltan: Okay but if you take us to France again you’re fucking dead to me.
[Jess slams down on the accelerator and drives off.]
Jess: Oops I think I just hit someone.
French Guy: OW MY FUCKING LEG!
Jess: (yelling out the window) Sorry! Hope I didn’t break anything!
French Guy: MY LIFE IS LE FUCKING PAIN!
[Cut to the inside of the Full Server house’s neighbouring house, where Phil lives]
Phil: So for how long will you stay here?
Luis: Until Daddy Pig rebuilds the house and our family members come back from Yemen.
Phil: And when is that?
Luis: Hopefully today.
Phil: Thank God.
Luis: Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.
Phil: I hate my life.
[Laugh track; Cut back to Jess driving the family straight down the middle of an empty open field somewhere.]
Zoltan: Daughter, are we there yet?
Jess: Hold on, let me check.
[Jess stops the car and checks the map.]
Jess: Okay so… we’ve arrived somewhere.
[Jess pulls the map down to reveal the Slovenian flag right in front of them.]
Jess: Huh, what kind of pride flag is that?
Zoltan: YOU BASTARD YOU TOOK US TO SLOVENIA!
[laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Isn’t this where Prim is?
SpongeBot: Why the fuck is Prim in Slovenia?
CartoonGuy: Don’t ask questions.
Zoltan: Wait, why is there a dead cat in the middle of the road?
Jess: Oh no I hope I didn’t run over a cat.
Zoltan: Ugh, now I’m horny.
CartoonGuy: Wait, I think it’s moving.
[The cat wakes up, revealing he’s Prim]
Jess: HOLY FUCK! PRIM! YOU’RE BACK!
Prim: hELLO! Waiiiiiit, is that you, SpogneSpongeBot?
SpongeBot: Prim?!
Zoltan: oh shit
[laugh track]
Prim: SpongeBot my lovely wife, please tell me that Elmo 3 is still alive!
SpongeBot: He is. And now there’s an Elmo 4 and 5.
Prim: I don’t remember them being born.
SpongeBot: Oh, funny story actually. Heh, you’re gonna laugh when you hear this. They were born after I married Zoltan.
Prim: YOU WHAT?!
SpongeBot: I thought you died and-
Prim: I can’t believe it! You cheated on me!
SpongeBot: I thought we broke up!
Prim: Oh right.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Chaaaaaaaanging the subject, we need to get to Yemen.
Prim: Yemen? Then how the hell did you end up in Slovenia?
CartoonGuy: Don’t ask questions.
Prim: Well… luckily for you all I know exactly how to get to Yemen!
Jess: This is plot convenience at its finest.
CartoonGuy: Don’t ask questions.
[Laugh track]
Prim: I’d be more than happy to drive you all to Yemen… on one condition.
Pluto: Great! What’s the condition?
Prim: My bitch-ass cheating ex-wife isn’t coming.
[Pause.]
Zoltan: That seems fair to me.
SpongeBot: WHAT?!
[Cut to the car driving off. SpongeBot is hiding in the car’s trunk, the door keeps repeatedly opening and closing.]
Prim: We should get to Yemen in… five days give or take.
Jess: Can’t you just use a golden mushroom or something?
Prim: Oh right you play Mario Kart too. I do have a few in the trunk.
SpongeBot: FUCK
[Laugh track; cut to the rest of the family inside Phil’s house]
Purple: Black people.
PoopFan: I agree.
[Laugh track]
Elmo 4: Wait, where are mommy and daddy and Jess and Pluto and CartoonGuy?
Elmo 3: I think they left us here.
Elmo 4: Noo! *starts crying*
Elmo 3: Stop crying, they are idiots anyway. Play with 3, or something, I don’t know.
Elmo 5: *autism noises*
Elmo 3: I hate my family.
[Laugh track, cut back to Prim]
Prim: [in the trunk] Alright now where are those golden mushrooms? Why do I see a woman's ass? [shrugs] I've seen weirder things in my life. There’s the golden mushrooms. [He eats one] AWGOOGAWOOGAWOOGAWOOOOOOO
Jess: Prim are you fucking high?
Prim: yes
[Laugh track. Prim gets back in the driver's seat and they end up in another country]
Jess: FINALLY YEMEN!
[They see a pizza place]
Jess: FUCK! Where did you even take us Prim?
Prim: I have no idea how to drive to Yemen so I just went to Italy instead.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: WHAT THE HELL?! YOU SAID YOU KNEW HOW TO GET TO YEMEN!
Prim: I lied and I like lasagna. Let's go inside.
Zoltan: oh okay
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: I hate long journeys like these, speaking from experience.
Prim: Wait, SpongeBot?! How the fuck did you get here?
SpongeBot: I um… I’m not SpongeBot. I am… I don’t know who I am but I’m not SpongeBot.
Prim: Ah sorry for the mixup.
[They go inside the pizza place, and the Italian national anthem plays]
CartoonGuy: Ah yes. Finally some REAL music!
[Suddenly world-famous rugby player Jarvis Zagna walks in. The audience applauds and cheers.]
Jarvis Zagna: Oh my god! Son, you came home!
[Jarvis hugs CartoonGuy.]
Jarvis Zagna: I’ve missed you so much!
CartoonGuy: Dad! Not in front of my friends!
[Jarvis puts his son down.]
Jarvis Zagna: Oh, sorry. Are these your friends?
Jess: We’re the Full Server gang!
Pluto: We are not a gang.
Jarvis Zagna: So… what brings you all to Italy? Are you here for the lasagna?
Prim: Yes.
Pluto: No.
Zoltan: You see I wanted food so I asked my darling wife SpongeBot to make us a meal so she started cooking Suzy Sheep but she accidentally started a fire and the Full Server house burned down so we called Daddy Pig to help rebuild it and decided to go on a road trip to Yemen instead so SpongeBot started driving but got really drunk so Jess took over but she’s an idiot so the car exploded and we ended up in Paris where we stole French Guy’s car and got lost in Slovenia where we found Prim who we thought was dead but no he was just in Slovenia and Prim said he knew how to get to Yemen so he started driving us but he lied and he took us to Italy because he wanted lasagna and now we’re here.
[laugh track]
Jarvis Zagna: Hmm, it seems that you guys are in a bit of a pickle. How about I help you guys out?
SpongeBot: PLEASE.
Jarvis Zagna: I’ve got an autograph signing in like an hour, but we should be able to get to Yemen before then, right?
Zoltan: suuuuuurrrrrreeeeeeee
CartoonGuy: Ooh! Can I please drive while you read out the directions, Dad?!
Jarvis Zagna: Of course, son. But next time you’re visiting you and I are showering together.
[laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Deal!
[CartoonGuy gets into the car]
CartoonGuy: Everyone come in!
Pluto: Whew! Finally! We’re actually going to Yemen this time!
Prim: I’m staying here to eat some lasagna. You guys go on without me.
Jess: Oh… um, okay. Bye Prim!
Prim: Meow motherfuckers.
[Laugh track; Everyone except Prim hops in the car and the car drives off.]
Jess: Um, guys? I think I need the toilet.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: OH MY GOD JESS! WHY DIDN’T YOU GO IN ITALY?!
Jess: I DIDN’T NEED TO GO IN ITALY!
Zoltan: WE’VE ONLY JUST LEFT!
CartoonGuy: Just piss out the window or something.
Jess: oh okay
[laugh track]
Jarvis Zagna: Yemen’s the country with the pyramids, right?
[Laugh track]
French Narrator: One car ride later…
[The car pulls up somewhere.]
CartoonGuy: I have no idea how I drove here since I'm only thirteen but here we are.
French Guy: BONJOUR AGAIN CONNARDS!
Jess: OH MY GOD WE’RE IN FRANCE AGAIN!
[laugh track]
Zoltan: WHEN IS THIS MOVIE ENDING OH MY GOD
French Guy: Quoi?
SpongeBot: End it. End it already.
French Guy: So… how was Yemen?
SpongeBot: Funny thing, we haven’t actually gotten there yet.
French Guy: Ha! Perdants!
Jess: Look, French Guy, I know we haven’t been the nicest to you recently… but could you please finally help us get to Yemen?
French Guy: You stole my car earlier!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Great! Can you take us to Yemen then?
French: *sigh* If you guys can buy me a baguette, I may be able to help you get to le Yémen.
Jess: THANK YOU!
French Guy: Now, where is my voiture?
CartoonGuy: Well we may have kind of damaged it a little…
[Pan over to French Guy’s car… which is completely destroyed.]
French Guy: Oh le fucking God.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: You can still drive it, right?
French Guy: *sigh* I’ll try.
[Cut to the car FINALLY arriving at Yemen]
French Guy: Well, you are finally here. I can leave now. [stops existing]
Zoltan: God I hate that guy.
Jess: But guys, look! We’re in Yemen!
[The live studio audience cheers.]
Pluto: And look! It’s the Sira Castle!
Jarvis Zagna: The what?
SpongeBot: It’s the Poundland Eiffel Tower.
Zoltan: FINALLY! WE’RE IN YEMEN!
[Zoltan starts doing a victory dance.]
Zoltan: OH YEAH! WE’RE IN YEMEN! OH YEAH!
Jarvis Zagna: Wait, guys. If you don’t mind me asking… why did you want to come to Yemen?
SpongeBot: I don’t know. I didn’t think we’d get this far.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: We came all the way to Yemen to find Changler!
SpongeBot: Zoltan, I hate to break this to you… but Changler isn’t a real person. He’s a fictional character from the hit sitcom Friends.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: WHAT?!
SpongeBot: Yeah, sorry.
Zoltan: THIS MEANS WE CAME ALL THE WAY HERE JUST TO FIND CHANGLER, AND HE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST?
Jess: Oh no.
Zoltan: B-BUT CHANGLER HAS TO EXIST! SAYING CHANGLER DOESN’T EXIST IS LIKE SAYING EPSTEIN DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF!
Jess: But he did kill himself!
Zoltan: I HATE THIS. WE ARE GOING BACK HOME.
Pluto: Well this was fun. Kind of.
SpongeBot: *sigh* Get in the car, everyone.
Jess: Aw, come on! Can’t we stay in Yemen just for a little bit? I want to see if they have a Cex!
Zoltan: Nope, we are going home.
Jess: *sigh* Okay… goodbye Yemen! We’ll miss you!
[Cut to Daddy Pig finishing the house]
Daddy Pig: Okay, I think it’s almost done…
[The car arrives at the house]
Daddy Pig: Oh, hey guys!
[Everyone gets out of the car]
SpongeBot: That was the worst trip ever.
Jarvis Zagna: Um , you were supposed to drop me off back at Italy, remember?
CartoonGuy: oops
[Laugh track]
Daddy Pig: Well you’re here just in time! The house is finished!
[Shot of the new Full Server house. It is exactly the same as it was before. The audience cheers.]
Zoltan: Wow, Daddy Pig, it’s beautiful!
Daddy Pig: I know, right? Just like me.
Jess: Well, it’s definitely a house.
CartoonGuy: I like it.
Daddy Pig: Great! Then I’m going back home. See you all when it’s Easter!
Pluto: Wait, do you want to take Suzy Sheep’s dead body with you?
Daddy Pig: Oh, yes! Of course!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Well, here it is.
[Pluto gives the body to Daddy Pig]
Daddy Pig: Thank you, now goodbye!
Jess: Bye Daddy Pig!
[Daddy Pig goes home]
SpongeBot: So… should we call Luis and the others back?
CartoonGuy: Nah, it will be funny to see how long it takes for them to realize the house has been rebuilt.
[laugh track]
Pluto: So that was a road trip.
Jess: It indeed was.
SpongeBot: Now, let’s all go back, and let’s watch Home and Awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Jarvis Zagna: Can I watch Home and Awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too?
Zoltan: no
[Laugh track. Everyone goes back into the house as happy music plays. The audience applauds and cheers. The credits roll as a song plays]
Despite making up only 13% of the population
Blacks commit 53% of the crime
#BlueLivesMatter
The Covid vaccine was made by satan
don we now our gay apparel
There are only 2 gender
And I also hate women
They belong in the kitchen!
There is evidence of fraud in the 2020 election
Trump is our true president!
The government can't force me to get vaccinated
Literally 1984.
Trump was actually reelected
STOP THE STEAL!
Woman shouldn't have the right to vote
They should stay in the kitchen
Autism has become an epidemic
Don't get the Covid vaccine!
Merry Christmas to our true president
DONALD J. TRUMP!
Blacks commit the most crime!
Women belong in the kitchen!
The Covid vaccine
is made by
SATAN!
[Suddenly, there is a post-credit scene, where Prim is still in the pizzeria at night]
Prim: Wow, I can’t believe I ate here until night!
[Suddenly an animatronic appears]
Animatronic: roar
Prim: Oh no.
[Prim gets jumpscared and fucking dies. Cut to the Full Server road trippers telling the rest of the Full Server cast about their trip.]
Zoltan: -and that was our trip to Yemen!
[pause]
Vanessda: How the hell did you drive from France to Saudi Arabia?
[Laugh track. The end.]
This film is dedicated to the Queen. Lol.
=== (Z) Full Server S1E7: Gary the Born Baby [March 4, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, Zoltan40, thatjess, Gary the Born Baby} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[The show starts in the kitchen, where Zoltan is waiting for his toast to be made by Jess. The live studio audience applauds and cheers.]
Zoltan: God dammit woman, the Toast Lady from the toast store can toast toast faster than you!
Jess: Well, it’s like they say in the Mushroom Kingdom: where there’s smoke, they pinch back. Shit that’s the wrong quote.
Pluto: Epic wife fail.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: That sounds like something that people used to say in like the early 2000s.
Pluto: 20 years later isn’t that bad, right?
Jess: You’re an epic fail, Pluto.
Pluto: Well I do turn all my girlfriends lesbian.
[Laugh track because classic lesbianator Pluto moment.]
SpongeBot: You know, I should really check on all the Elmos we gave birth to. I bet they’re starving at this point.
Zoltan: I already fed them bleach.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Whoa, bleach ahoy! Why did you do that?!
Zoltan: It’s all that was in the cupboards, woman, I make with what I have. You’re the woman of this house, I thought it was your job to do the food shopping!
SpongeBot: I’ve been busy looking after the Elmos! Why couldn’t you have done it?
Zoltan: I’ve been seeing the Toast Lady.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You’re insane, you know that?
Zoltan: Hey it’s not my fault that I had to feed them bleach.
SpongeBot: THEY’RE ALL PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW, YOU MONSTER!
[Laugh track. SpongeBot dashes towards the Elmos in the other room]
SpongeBot: Huh, they’re all perfectly normal. As normal as they usually are, that is.
Zoltan: See, I TOLD YOU! HA!
SpongeBot: Okay you don’t have to be so… Hungarian about it.
Zoltan: RACISM!
[Laugh track because racism is funny.]
Purple: Someone call?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Stay out of this, Purple. It’s a marriage thing.
Purple: Well, gimme and the 14 year old a few more years and I’ll be able to understand.
Zoltan: We get it dad, you are racist and a pedophile.
Purple: Bruh. I should take more time off.
Zoltan: Bye dad. I will miss you.
Purple: I won’t.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: HEIL HITLER!
[Laugh track because Hitler is funny.]
Pluto: Well that was completely unprompted.
Jess: Oh, sorry, the baby’s kicking again.
[Mike appears]
Mike: I heard Hitler.
Zoltan: Go away, no one cares.
Mike: But I am a professional doctor!
Jess: Bubba! I found someone who can help me give birth!
Pluto: Jess, I’m Jewish.
Mike: WHAT?!
Pluto: NOTHING! Let’s do uh… Christian activity. Because we are Christian and not Jewish.
Mike: Oh okay, also I am going to be building a hospital where I can do doctor things.
Pluto: Great!
Mike: Bye!
[Mike leaves]
Pluto: So how long until Gary comes out again?
Jess: Well… he’s only been inside me for like… a week maybe? And Dr. Brown Bear said it usually takes nine months for a baby to come out.
Pluto: NINE MONTHS?! I can’t wait that long for Gary the Unborn Baby to become Gary the Born Baby!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: what kind of fucking loser name is gary
[Laugh track]
Jess: His full name was Gary Daddy Pig Shapiro. Gary after, you know, the snail. And Daddy Pig after… yeah. It was Pluto’s idea to call him Gary.
Pluto: (disappointed) I think it goes without saying whose idea it was to make his middle name Daddy Pig.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh yeah I forgot you named him already.
Jess: Well yeah, why wait until he’s born to name him and just name him months in advance?
Pluto: Now THAT’S planning ahead.
Granite: Don’t take life for Granite, it’s what I always say.
[Applause for some reason]
SpongeBot: Alright, why the fuck was there applause? That wasn’t even a good joke! He just showed up out of nowhere!
Granite: Showing up out of nowhere is the Granite way. Unlike homophobia of course.
Pluto: You literally hate Overnight Success because a boy wears makeup.
Granite: FAKE NEWS! Okay maybe that is true. BUT I’M NOT HOMOPHOBIC!
SpongeBot: Yeah, just like CrazySponge isn’t gay.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Granite, you are the most homosexual homophobe I know.
Jess: What about Travis’ friend Tim?
Pluto: He’s from Russia so he doesn’t count.
Granite: HOMOPHOBIA IS NOT THE GRANITE WAY!
[Laugh track]
Cactus: What’s wrong with being gay? I mean just look at me!
Zoltan: NO GAY!
SpongeBot: Cactus you’re literally married to Peter Griffin.
Peter: Hey Loi- Vanessa, remember that time when you questioned your sexuality because of me?
Cactus: Not now, Peter, I’m having a moment.
Peter: Having a moment, huh? That time of the month, then. I’ll leave you guys be. [leaves the room]
Cactus: Why am I still married to that guy?
Pluto: I swear you were married to Peppa Pig last week.
[Laugh track]
Jess: So much happens nowadays that it’s hard not to forget half the things that happen in this family.
Lois: Wait, why is Petah married to a different woman?
Peter: [suddenly appears again] Boy, this is worse than the time-
Lois: Peter, now is not the time!
[NotJoe enters the room]
NotJoe: Did someone say NotJoe?
Jess: What?
NotJoe: I am NotJoe.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: OH MY GOD IT’S WORLD FAMOUS CARTOON REVIEWER AND RAPPER NOTJOE SWANSON! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
NotJoe: You should, because… Um… I am going to sing now.
[NotJoe leaves]
SpongeBot: Aw. He was such a cool guy.
Peter: Yeah, but not as cool as the Kool-Aid Man.
[They Kool-Aid Man breaks into the house]
Kool Aid-Man: Oh yeah!
Lois: Peter! You cheated on me!
Peter: It was an accident I swear!
Lois: Yeah right.
[Lois grabs Peter and drags him out of the house]
Peter: NOOOO
Jess: Guys I hate to break up… whatever is going on here, but I think my water broke!
SpongeBot: Ugh, I’ll get the mop.
[Laugh track]
Jess: No! I mean… I’m having the baby!
SpongeBot: What happened to the whole nine months thing?
Jess: I DON’T KNOW! JUST SOMEONE GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!
Pluto: Oh god oh fuck, this is actually happening!
Jess: SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE! SOMEONE CALL DOCTOR BROWN BEAR!
[SpongeBot dials 9-1-1]
9-1-1 dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency?
SpongeBot: Yeah, hi, I’ll have two number nines, a number nine large-
9-1-1 dispatch: Ma’am, this line is for emergencies only.
SpongeBot: But this is an emergency! My husband fed the babies fucking bleach and now they’re bloody starving!
[Laugh track]
Jess: HOSPITAL! WE NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! I’M HAVING A BABY!
[Pause]
SpongeBot: …and I’ll have a number six with extra dip-
Jess: FUCK I’M GIVING BIRTH NOW! IT’S TOO LATE!
SpongeBot: WHY ARE YOUR WORDS SO LARGE?! Unlike Kelpy G’s dick, of course.
Jess: BECAUSE IT’S URGENT!
[A rocket ship is heard landing in the distance. Dr. Brown Bear shows up at the house; applause.]
Jess: Oh thank FUCK Dr. Brown Bear is here! I’m literally giving birth right now!
Dr. Brown Bear: Really? I couldn’t tell.
[Laugh track]
Jess: JUST SHUT UP AND GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!
[Suddenly, a 1940s car pulls up to the Full Server house, and Mike pops out]
Mike: No! I am better doctor! I will shoot Dr. Brown Bear in the fucking head!
Dr. Brown Bear: Excuse me what the fuck
Jess: Okay, which one of you gives free healthcare? We aren’t exactly rich here.
Pluto: C’mon Jess, does it really matter? What really matters is the baby!
Jess: I’m not having this baby if it’s gonna cost me an arm and a dick.
Gary [inside womb]: Just birth me already, woman! This is taking way too goddamn long!
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: Aw, his first words!
Mike: I INSIST ON HANDLING THE BIRTH!
Dr. Brown Bear: No, I can do it.
Mike: FUCKING BROWNIE!
[Laugh track because racism]
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m quite offended, I’ll say.
Mike: [to Jess] Push, bitch!
Jess: I’M PUSHING!
Gary: Why is giving birth so ANNOYING?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Hush, child, you’re not even born yet.
Jess: I CAN SEE HIS HEAD!
Pluto: PUSH, WOMAN! PUSH!
Jess: I’m pushing! I’m pushing!
[Pause. The baby slides out. The audience “awwws” as the baby start crying.]
Pluto: Is that how it usually works? The baby just slides out like that?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well… it’s a first for me.
[Laugh track]
Gary: Ahem, time for my REAL first words… Ahem. BOOBA
[Pause]
Zoltan: PUSH HIM BACK IN!
[Laugh track]
Jess: NO! NOT THE BABY!
[Liz appears]
Liz: DABABY?!
[DaBaby appears]
DaBaby: lessgooooo
Liz: Oh my God I can’t believe it's DaBaby!
DaBaby: I hate gay people.
Mike: Don’t we all?
[Laugh track]
Mike: WHY WAS THERE A LAUGH?!
[Zoltan looks at Gary]
Zoltan: Is my grandson supposed to look that ugly?
Pluto: HEY! DON’T TALK ABOUT GARY DADDY PIG SHAPIRO LIKE THAT!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well… I must say, I think Gary looks absolutely beautiful.
Zoltan: Not as beautiful as the Toast Lady.
Gary: I’m not disabled, mom.
Jess: Yes, yes, I know, Gary baby.
9-1-1 dispatch: (still on the phone) Um…? Hello? Is anyone still there?
SpongeBot: Yeah sorry, you were fucking useless, the baby’s out now.
[SpongeBot hangs up. Laugh track]
Jess: I feel like such a proud mommy! Thank you so much Dr. Brown Bear for the help!
Mike: WHAT ABOUT ME?
Dr. Brown Bear: You are very welcome, Jessica.
Mike: Kill yourself.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hey, be nice. We can all eat lasagna together.
Dr. Brown Bear: Well, it’s about time I head back to my home planet now. Toodles, everyone!
Pluto: Hey, that’s what they say in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!
Dr. Brown Bear: My planet needs me. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Dr. Brown Bear heads inside of his spaceship and heads off.]
Mike: God I hate that guy. I hope he ends up like Suzy Sheep, Elmo 2, Prim, Ned Flanders, Prince Philip, and the Queen on March 11th.
Jess: What happens to the Queen on March 11th?
Mike: Let’s just say it’ll be an interesting day.
[Laugh track; Mike heads off as well, with a huff]
Jess: Take a look, everybody. It’s nature’s number one beauty!
Pluto: [looking down] I think he has a bigger dick than I do.
[Laugh track]
Dan: But my penis is bigger!
Pluto: Last time a baby’s penis was compared to yours, the baby had a bigger one.
Dan: OKAY FINE MY PENIS IS NOT THE BIGGEST!
Jess: Heh, Pluto when he looks down.
Pluto: SHUT UP! THAT’S NOT HOW THE JOKE GOES! I am so EMBARRASSED right now!
Zoltan: Still not as embarrassing as when I accidentally fucked a dog instead of a cat.
[Pause]
SpongeBot: Please tell me it wasn’t Oscar.
Zoltan: …
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Zoltan, I don’t think this is a good relationship.
Zoltan: Why not?! I’m a great husband! But now I’m going to eat some toast.
SpongeBot: From where?
Zoltan: From the Toast Lady.
SpongeBot: What the hell is all this talk about the Toast Lady? Zoltan, are you cheating on me?
Zoltan: WHAT? NO! I would only cheat on you with a cat! And so far all of them have just attacked me!
SpongeBot: It’s just… *sigh* for someone who isn’t sexing the Toast Lady you’ve brought her up an awful lot.
Zoltan: I AM NOT SEXING THE TOAST LADY WHO ISNT A TOAST SHE JUST SELLS TOAST
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Can you guys please stop arguing for once and let me enjoy the first few moments with my precious little baby boy?
Zoltan: I REFUSE!
SpongeBot: Fine! Then I’m filing for a divorce!
Zoltan: WHAT? YOU CAN’T! We have so many fun times together!
[Flashback to SpongeBot and Zoltan having fun times.]
Zoltan: It’s all that was in the cupboards, woman, I make with what I have. You’re the woman of this house, I thought it was your job to do the food shopping!
SpongeBot: I’ve been busy looking after the Elmos! Why couldn’t you have done it?
Zoltan: I’ve been seeing the Toast Lady.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You’re insane, you know that?
Zoltan: Hey it’s not my fault that I had to feed them bleach.
SpongeBot: THEY’RE ALL PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW, YOU MONSTER!
[Laugh track, end of flashback]
Zoltan: Okay good point, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU! I JUST LOVE THE TOAST LADY MORE!
SpongeBot: SO YOU ARE SEXING THE TOAST LADY!
Zoltan: NO!!! I AM NOT SEXING THE TOAST LADY! IM JUST SEEING HER TO GET TOAST! Coincidentally she lives right next to where I go to work.
SpongeBot: Where do you work, anyway?
Zoltan: That’s not important.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: That’s it, Zoltan. We are getting divorced.
Zoltan: NOOO! NOW WHO WILL MAKE ME DINNER?!
SpongeBot: The toast lady.
Zoltan: SHE CAN ONLY COOK TOAST!
SpongeBot: I don’t care. It was your decision to fuck her.
Zoltan: BITCH
[Laugh track, SpongeBot leaves]
Jess: So… will you look at my baby now?
Zoltan: [starts crying] MY WIFE!
Jess: Well this is awkward.
[Laugh track; cut to Cactus being alone]
Cactus: I am so lonely. I don’t have any family members. I am not related to anyone here? Why am I even here?
[Pluto walks into the room]
Pluto: I am so sad that I don’t have a mom.
Cactus: Isn’t SpongeBot your mother?
Pluto: I emancipated so I could have sex with Jess, and then SpongeBot became Jess’ mom.
[Laugh track]
Cactus: Well at least you live with Jess.
Pluto: Vanessa, do you want to be my mom?
Cactus: I guess.
Pluto: YES!
[Two hours later…]
[Cut to Zoltan still crying in his bedroom]
Zoltan: I just- maybe I really am a terrible husband. I don’t think- I can’t live like this. I am going to watch TV.
[Zoltan grabs the remote and switches his bedroom TV on. Friends is playing, and Zoltan quickly throws the TV against the wall. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: NO!!! I HATE FRIENDS!! I ONLY LIKE CHANGLER!!!! FUCK FRIENDS!
[Zoltan walks into the living room where Jess is]
Zoltan: Hello daughter.
Jess: Hello father.
[Laugh track]
Jess: I was just about to ask you to look after Gary for a sec, and then I remembered what a terrible idea that was.
Zoltan: What do you mean? I’m an amazing grandpa!
Jess: You fed the Elmos bleach earlier.
Zoltan: So?
[SpongeBot enters the room, the live studio audience applauds]
SpongeBot: Hey guys, I’m back.
Jess: Did you get the milk?
SpongeBot: …
Jess: Did you?
SpongeBot: fuck
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: PLEASE BOT MARRY ME AGAIN! I HAVE CHANGED, I WILL BE A BETTER HUSBAND NOW! MY LUST FOR TOAST DROVE ME INTO ENDLESS CIRCLES CHASING THE CRIES OF CHILDREN ALWAYS SEEMING SO NEAR, YET SOMEHOW OUT OF REACH! BUT I HAVE CHANGED NOW!
SpongeBot: what
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: MARRY ME AGAIN PLEASE
SpongeBot: I have a new husband.
Zoltan: WHAT?!
[Ghost Prim comes into the room. The audience applauds and cheers again.]
SpongeBot: Prim.
Zoltan: PRIM??!!! GO BACK TO SLOVENIA, YOU CANADIAN CUCK!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Didn’t Prim die?
SpongeBot: Well yes, but now he’s a ghost.
Gary: Mommy, what does “die” mean?
Jess: Not now, sweetie.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: BUT- BUT- BUT-
SpongeBot: Now I know this is a big change Zoltan, and we’re not technically divorced yet-
Zoltan: YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME FOR PRIM AGAIN!
SpongeBot: You left me for the Toast Lady first.
Zoltan: WELL YEAH, BUT SHE’S HOT!
Prim: :(
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Welp, I’m marrying Prim whether you like it or not.
Prim: And Elmo 2 2 is coming soon!
Zoltan: WHAT?! SPONGEBOT, YOU HAD SEX WITH A GHOST CAT? I mean the cat part is okay but YOU HAD SEX WITH A GHOST?!
[Laugh track]
Prim: Yep, she had sex with a ghost, and I had sex with a robot.
[Jess has Vietnam flashbacks]
SpongeBot: Is she okay?
Zoltan: Yeah, probably.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ghost sex is actually really kinky Zoltan, you wouldn’t understand.
Gary: What’s ghost sex? What’s normal sex? What’s a Zoltan?
Jess: Maybe you shouldn’t be part of this conversation right now, baby.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS?!
SpongeBot: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WAS DRAGGING DOWN OUR RELATIONSHIP!
Zoltan: ONLY BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH IN BED!
SpongeBot: WAS THE SPONGEBOB MUSICAL BLASTING FROM MY CARS CD PLAYER IN THE BACKGROUND NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!
[Laugh track; Pluto and Cactus walk in.]
Pluto: Hey guys! Guess who just got a brand new mom?
[Everyone stares at Pluto in silence.]
Pluto…is- is this a bad time?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Bad time, got it. I’m gonna go punch a sandwich.
[Pluto leaves]
SpongeBot: So anyway I’m divorcing you.
Zoltan: Ugh, fine. But only if you give me every episode of iCarly ever to exist.
SpongeBot: I have my ways.
Zoltan: YAY!
[Laugh track. Mike suddenly appears again]
Mike: Hey all Mike here. I built the hospital. WHO WANTS TO BE DIAGNOSED?
[Silence]
Mike: Fine, I’ll do it myself!
[Mike gets out a granolavirus test kit and shoves a swab up everyone’s nostrils]
Jess: Hehe, that tickles.
Mike: SCHWEIGEN! You have all now been tested for granolavirus.
SpongeBot: So, uhh… if I may ask, when do we get the test results?
Mike: This is a rapid rapid GROVID test, so within five seconds.
[Five seconds later…]
Mike: And the results should be in now.
[Mike takes a look at the test results on his phone]
Mike: Oh no…
Jess: What?
Mike: Someone here has the granolavirus…
Zoltan: Who? TELL US!
SpongeBot: Is it me? If so, then at least I won’t have to be near Zoltan anytime soon.
Mike: It is you, SpongeBot!
Zoltan: NO! MY WIFE!
SpongeBot: I’m not your wife anymore, you Hungarian hoe.
Prim: What am I, chopped liver?
SpongeBot: No, you’re my new husband.
Zoltan: BOO! HISS!
Prim: Let’s procreate, babe!
SpongeBot: Oh, I like the sound of that.
Mike: YOU ARE VERY SICK! YOU MUST NOT SEX!
SpongeBot: Can’t hear you!
[Prim and SpongeBot go into their bedroom]
Zoltan: Great, I’m officially single. The only person who can fill the void in my heart is the one and only Scatman.
Jess: Well good luck with that.
[Meanwhile, at Mike’s newly built hospital]
Mike: Come one, come all, to Mike’s Krankenhäuser! We have free healthcare! [whispers] It’s actually not free, I just really like lying.
CrazySponge: Free healthcare you say? Fucking finally.
Mike: No not you! [shoots CrazySponge dead with a gun, laugh track] Why won’t anyone come to my hospital?
[Cut back to the Full Server household]
Zoltan: Jess, could you please bring Scatman back to life so I can marry him?
Jess: I hate to be the bearer of bad news Zoltan, but he’s straight as a ruler.
Zoltan: FALSE! FALSE! FALSE! HE IS NOT!
[Zoltan pulls a bendy ruler out of his pocket.]
Zoltan: See?
[Laugh track]
Jess: Zoltan, why do you want to marry Scatman? He literally dated your mum a few episodes ago.
Zoltan: Yeah, and?
[Laugh track]
Jess: Dad, you are not marrying Scatman John. I know you’re upset about the divorce but he doesn’t like men.
Zoltan: NOOO! MY IDOL! MY INSPIRATION… LIKES WOMAN! HOW COULD HE! [faints]
Jess: [shrugs] All’s well that ends well, eh?
[Laugh track and applause. Fade to black and then cut to Mike in his hospital now with a beard]
Mike: I'm sure someone will come soon.
[Nothing happens]
Mike: Any second now…
[Nothing happens]
Mike: They are almost here…
[He browses his phone while waiting for someone to come]
Mike: THE QUEEN IS DEAD?! Oh never mind, false alarm. [sighs] I give up.
[Cut back to the Full Server house]
Prim: I’ll say. That was a good sex.
SpongeBot: Whoa, ass ahoy.
Zoltan: [comes back] Is Sonic straight by any chance?
Jess: Go back to sleep, Zoltan.
Zoltan: Fine. [faints again]
[Laugh track]
Pluto: [returns] That was one tough sandwich.
Gary: Gary
[Laugh track. Episode ends with a wide open shot of the house’s exterior.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E1: SpongeBob Goes To Hungary [March 5, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
Note: SpongeBob here is actually James Corden in disguise, and all other Bikini Bottom characters are paid actors
[Lobster productions logo; the episode begins in Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob is hiding in a garbage can.]
SpongeBob: (whispering) My life is a failure. I’m a wanted criminal. How did this even happen? I was so nice around a year ago, and look what I became. I’m a monster. I live in a trash can now, I don’t even have a house.. This is all because of that STUPID disagreement I had with Squidward when-
[Two fish police officers look in the garbage can and notice SpongeBob.]
Police Officer #1: Well, well, well, SpongeBob. You are still hiding, huh? We always find you, what’s even the point of hiding?
Police Officer #2: Yeah, you always hide in obvious places! This is the third time you hid in a garbage can.
Police Officer #1: Now get in the vehicle.
[Police Officer #1 puts handcuffs on SpongeBob, who starts crying.]
SpongeBob: BUT- BUT- BUT- BUT- BUT- I JUST-
Police Officer #2: Oh my God, stop crying!
[SpongeBob holds back his tears]
SpongeBob: I- I’m sorry…
Police Officer #1: Yeah, I don’t care.
[Fade to black; cut to SpongeBob’s house. It is dark and covered with spider webs. A knock on the door is heard, and Patrick comes in.]
Patrick: SpongeBob, do you know what a “racial slur” is? SpongeBob? Are you… Oh right, he’s on the run. I miss that yellow guy. Hm… Yellow… Is that a racial slur? It sounds racial, but I don’t think it’s a slur.
[Pause.]
Patrick: I’m gonna cry like a baby now.
[Patrick walks out, and Gary crawls in. He turns on the TV and sits on the couch.]
Gary: Meow. That SpongeBob fellow sure was very annoying. He didn’t like it when I watched the politics on the telly, but now I can do whatever I want. Oh blimey!
[The TV shows a news report in Hungary.]
Perch Perkins: That’s right, the number of immigrants in Hungary is getting higher and higher, some of them aren’t even human! This is very concerning, but luckily, the prime minister, Viktor Orbán has something to say!
[Cut to Orbán sleeping on his bed in his underwear, and cut back to Perch Perkins.]
Perch Perkins: Um… AD BREAK!
[Gary turns off the TV, and cut to Orbán waking up.]
Orbán: Azta kurva, tegnap nagyon sokat ittam. Mi a fasz ez a vastag izé? Ja ez a kezem…
[Cut to Orbán’s wife, Anikó in the kitchen. Orbán walks down the stairs and enters.]
Orbán: Jó reggelt, asszony. Látom már a konyhában vagy. Még jó hogy, hiszen nő vagy. (TRANSLATION: Good morning, woman. I see that you are already in the kitchen. Well of course, you are a woman.)
Anikó: Igen, kérsz tojást és palacsintát egy kis szalonnával? (TRANSLATION: Yes, do you want eggs and pancakes with some bacon?)
Orbán: Nem, nincs rá időm. Egy nagyon fontos öltöző buli- VAGYIS biznisz találkozó izé dologra kell mennem. (No, I don’t have time for it. I have to go to a very important costume party- I MEAN business meeting thingy.)
Anikó: Oké… (Okay…)
Orbán: Na most indu- várj, még nem öltöztem fel… Hát ő… (Well I’m go- wait, I didn’t get dressed yet… Well uh…)
[Cut to SpongeBob in prison.]
SpongeBob: (sighs) I am here again. I’ve been arrested seven times now. I wish I could illegally immigrate to a different country and change my name so nobody knows that I am SpongeBob.
[SpongeBob notices that there is a television at the end of the hall.]
SpongeBob: Wait, is that a TV? I wonder what is airing right now.
[SpongeBob starts watching the TV and the same news report that Gary watched starts playing.]
Perch Perkins: That’s right, the number of immigrants in Hungary is getting higher and higher, some of them aren’t even human! This is very concerning, but luckily, the prime minister, Viktor Orbán has something to say!
[Cut to Orbán sleeping on his bed in his underwear, and cut back to Perch Perkins.]
Perch Perkins: Um… AD BREAK!
[Cut back to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Oh my Gosh! I have an idea! I’m gonna go to Hungary!
[A police officer walks to his cell.]
Police Officer #3: What are you doing, Mr. Pants?
SpongeBob: Um… Nothing, officer.
Police Officer #3: Okay…
SpongeBob: Also it’s SquarePants.
Police Officer #3: Damn, I’m sorry, but I don’t remember asking.
SpongeBob: That was not very nice.
Police Officer #3: Cry about it.
[The police officer walks away, and SpongeBob jumps out of the window. Cut to Orbán dressed as a border patrol agent arriving at the Parlament.]
Orbán: Milyen szép nap egy kis öltözködéshez, ugye? (What a beautiful day for some dressing up, right?)
Péter Márki-Zay: (dressed as a cardboard box) Úgy bizon! De mondja Orbán, tetszik a jelmezem? (That’s right! But tell me Orbán, do you like my costume?)
Orbán: Nem te buzi ellenzék remélem meghalsz. (No, you stupid opposition, go die.)
[Márki-Zay starts crying and runs away.]
Kinga Gál: (dressed as a witch) És az enyém? (What about mine?)
Orbán: Hááááááááát… Jó… (Weeeeeeeell… It’s good…)
Kinga: Thank you!
Péter Jakab: (dressed as a bologna sausage) Tetszik az enyém, Viktor? (Do you like mine, Viktor?)
Orbán: Ehetőnek látszol. (You look edible.)
Péter: Kösz… (Thanks…)
Generic Weeb: (dressed as a catgirl) És az enyém? (What about mine?)
Orbán: Nem tudom hogy te ki vagy. (I don’t know who you are.)
Weeb: Én Weeb vagyok! (I’m Weeb!)
Orbán: Te nem tartozol a Parlamentbe. (You aren’t a part of the Parlament.)
Weeb: De- de- de- (But- but- but-)
Orbán: Menj el innen, mielőtt levágatom a fejed! (Go away, before I chop off your head!)
[Weeb Naruto runs away, and Orbán walks over to Ferenc Gyurcsány dressed as an immigrant.]
Orbán JAJ NE! Azzonall húzz el innen, kibaszott migráns! (OH NO! Get out of here immediately, fucking immigrant!)
Gyurcsány: Álj álj álj! Én nem vagyok migráns! Én Gyurcsány Ferenc vagyok! (Woah woah woah! I’m not an immigrant! I’m Ferenc Gyurcsány!)
Orbán: Hálisten. Már azt hittem migráns vagy. Nagyon élethű a jelmezed. A szakadt és poros Gucci farmer tökéletesen simul a lábadra, a Chanel szürke kapucnis felsőd olyan szinten simul a hasadra, hogy szinte látszódnak a haskockáid amit minden reggel gondosan felfestesz magadnak. Az arcodat meg összekoszoltad a kislányod barna vízfestékével és grafitporral keverted össze. A hajadat nem fésülted meg, bár ez már megszokott. A kezedben meg a legújabb Iphone 19, mint egy vérbeli migránsnak. (Thank God. I thought you were a real immigrant. Your costume is very realistic. The torn and dusty Gucci jeans fit perfectly on your feet, your grey Chanel hoodie slips on your belly to a level where your abs that you carefully paint on every morning are visible. You messed up your face with your daughter's brown watercolor and graphite powder. You didn’t comb your hair, although we are used to it by now. And of course, you are holding the newest Iphone 19 in your hand, like a real migrant.)
Gyurcsány: Hű, ez sok volt. (Wow, that was a lot.)
Orbán: Megérdemled, mert egy szánalmas vesztes vagy. (You deserve it, you are a pathetic loser.)
[Orbán angrily looks into Gyurcsány’s eyes and then rushes into his office. Cut to SpongeBob at the Hungarian border.]
SpongeBob: I really have to avoid getting caught.
[SpongeBob crosses the border.]
SpongeBob: That was… Surprisingly easy.
[Cut to Orbán in his office, still in his costume.]
Orbán: Hm… Talán egy kicsit durva voltam. (Hm… Maybe I was a little mean to that guy.)
[Orbán grabs a Windows 95 and opens Internet Explorer.]
Orbán: Mielőtt akármit is csinálok, megnézem hogy van-e akárki itt. (Before I do anything, I gotta check to make sure no one is here.)
[Orbán walks out of his office, and sees that the entire Parlament is empty, and everyone is partying. He then types in “www.p*rnhub.com” and starts waiting.]
French Narrator: 2 hours later…
[Orbán finishes the dirty deed and looks out the window.]
Orbán: Ki menjek és partizzak velük? Eh, miért ne. (Should I go outside and party with them? Eh, why not.)
[Cut to Orbán eating spaghetti outside.]
Orbán: Nyami, ez a spagetti nagyon finom. (Yum, this spaghetti is very good.)
[Gordon Bajnai appears behind Orbán.]
Gordon: Szia Viki, tetszik a parti? (Hi Vicky, do you like the party?)
Orbán: Ja, jó parti, de nincs elég kaja. A migránsok ellopták. (Yeah, it’s a good party, but there’s not enough food. The immigrants stole it.)
Gordon: Miért lennének it migránsok? (Why would there be immigrants here?)
Orbán: Nézd meg Gyurcsányt. (Look at Gyurcsány.)
Gordon: Hát a szakadt és poros Gucci farmer tökéletesen simul a lábadra, a Chanel szürke kapucnis felsőd olyan szinten simul a hasadra, hogy szinte látszódnak a haskockáid amit minden reggel gondosan felfestesz magadnak. Az arcodat meg összekoszoltad a kislányod barna vízfestékével és grafitporral keverted össze. A hajadat nem fésülted meg, bár ez már megszokott. A kezedben meg a legújabb Iphone 19, mint egy vérbeli migránsnak. (Well the torn and dusty Gucci jeans fit perfectly on his feet, his grey Chanel hoodie slips on your belly to a level where his abs that he carefully paints on every morning are visible. He messed up his face with his daughter's brown watercolor and graphite powder. He didn’t comb your hair, although we are used to it by now. And of course, he is holding the newest Iphone 19 in his hand, like a real migrant.)
Orbán: Most nagyon Deja Vu feelingem van. (I think I have Deja Vu.)
Gordon: Érdekes. Várj, miért van tej a spagettiden? (That’s weird. Wait, why is there milk on your spaghetti?)
Orbán: Ja, ez nem tej, ez bikasperma. (Oh, this is not milk, it’s bull sperm.)
Gordon: Oh, oké.
[Cut to SpongeBob at the Parlament.]
SpongeBob: So, this is the capital city of Hungary, Budapest, and its parliament, the Parlament. I probably shouldn’t even go near it, but I’m already an illegal immigrant, so does it really matter?
[SpongeBob walks to the Parlament and notices Orbán alone.]
SpongeBob: Hello there, Mr. Prime minister of Hungary.
Orbán: Mi? (What?)
SpongeBob: Do you not understand what I’m saying?
Orbán: ???
SpongeBob: Okay so… Jó napot én lenni SpongyaBob.
Orbán: Oh, hi SpongeBob, how are you today?
SpongeBob: Eh, I’m doing fine.
Orbán: Wait, how did you get here? Are you an… Immigrant?
SpongeBob: WHAT? No! Of course not!
Orbán: Oh okay, you almost look like Gyurcsány.
SpongeBob: Who’s Gyurcsány?
[Orbán points to Gyurcsány Ferenc.]
SpongeBob: Well the torn and dusty Gucci jeans fit perfectly on his feet, his grey Chanel hoodie slips on your belly to a level where his abs that he carefully paints on every morning are visible. He messed up his face with his daughter's brown watercolor and graphite powder. He didn’t comb your hair, although we are used to it by now. And of course, he is holding the newest Iphone 19 in his hand, like a real migrant.
Orbán: Wait, I think I’ve said this before.
SpongeBob: Weird. So, what are you doing now?
Orbán: Nothing really. I was just eating another oreóspizzástevepatás sandwich.
SpongeBob: That’s interesting. Kinda.
[Gyurcsány walks to Orbán and SpongeBob.]
Gyurcsány: WHO TALKED ABOUT MY COST- Wait, what the, SpongeBob? Why are you here?
SpongeBob: Long story.
Gyurcsány: Oh okay.
SpongeBob: Hey, Viktor, can you give me an oreóspizzástevepatás sandwich?
Orbán: But there’s only one left!
SpongeBob: You already ate like twenty!
Orbán: Ugh, fine. Here it is.
[Orbán grabs a sandwich but slips, falls on the floor, and the sandwich lands on his face. He gets up, takes off his wig, aims for Gyurcsány, but throws it on SpongeBob, making him fall on the floor.]
SpongeBob: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! And your hair is covered with sweat and dandruff. And also something white. I don’t know what that is.
Orbán: Uh… Sorry… I was meant to throw it at Gyurcsány.
Gyurcsány: YOU WHAT?!
[Orbán helps SpongeBob get up, but Gyurcsány hits Orbán on the head, making him fall onto SpongeBob. He fell onto his chest making him hear SpongeBob’s heartbeat. Orbán quickly gets up, and SpongeBob stays on the floor.]
Orbán: Well… That was fucking kawaii.
SpongeBob: Yeah…
Orbán: Okay, I think I’ve had enough partying today, I’m going home now.
SpongeBob: Aww, you are going already?
Orbán: Yeah, I’m sorry, but uh… Let’s meet tomorrow.
SpongeBob: Okay.
Orbán: Wait, before I go, go fuck yourself, Feri.
Gyurcsány: :(
[Cut to Orbán arriving home.]
Orbán: That was a terrible day.
Anikó: That’s great.
Orbán: Where are the children?
Anikó: They’re already sleeping. It’s 3 AM.
Orbán: Oh okay. Now I am going to be pooping on my golden toilet, and then go to sleep.
Anikó: Okay, I don’t care.
Orbán: I love you too.
[Cut to Orbán tucking himself in. He puts his head on the pillows and instantly falls asleep, and snorts like if an asthmatic wild boar fucked a tractor. He dreams about him and SpongeBob together in a room, and they end up kissing. The dream suddenly ends as Orbán wakes up.]
Orbán: WHAT THE?! Oh, that was just a nightmare. I would never kiss a guy. I hate gay people.
[Orbán falls asleep again and the episode ends. Credits roll.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E2: The Gyurcsány Show [March 10, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
[Lobster productions logo; the episode begins with SpongeBob sleeping in a house. He suddenly wakes up, and stands up. He walks outside and takes a look at the Parlament.]
SpongeBob: Wow, the Parlament. It’s so beautiful. (sighs) I miss my life in Bikini Bottom. I wonder how Patrick is doing without me.
[Bubble transition to Patrick in SpongeBob’s house.]
Patrick: Life sure has been boring without SpongeBob. What am I gonna do now? I don’t have any other friends.
[Gary slithers in.]
Gary: Mr. Star, this is not your house. Get the fuck out of here.
Patrick: OKAY! No need for swearing.
[Patrick walks out of the house.]
Gary: That bloody git comes into this fucking house every day. He makes me really knackered. That utter buffoon just grinds my gears so much…
[Patrick walks back.]
Patrick: You know that I heard all that, right?
Gary: Oh dear, it was rather foolish of me to talk like that out loud, innit bruv?
Patrick: Gary I think you had too much tea.
[Cut to Orbán tired in the Parlament.]
Orbán: I am tired.
[Orbán looks out the window and stares at the Danube.]
Orbán: Wow, this lake is really beautiful. Its blue waters are just the prettiest things in the world. It would really be perfect, if it wouldn’t be full of trash. And dead bodies. A lot of people commit suicide around here, and I don’t know why. I’m a great leader! And because of how great a leader I am, I am going to raise the payment of the prime minister by a few million Forints. And to stop all the suicide, I will order to destroy the bridge, because I am so unselfish! But now I am going to eat.
[Orbán grabs a Carte d'Or ice cream packaging with Goulash in it.]
Orbán: Yum! I sure do love Goulash! Wait, what’s this?
[Orbán puts his hand into the Goulash and pulls out a Túró Rudi.]
Orbán: That’s even better!
[Suddenly a man enters the office.]
Orbán: Who are you?
[Cut to SpongeBob walking down a street.]
SpongeBob: Now where could that Italian restaurant be?
[SpongeBob spots an Italian restaurant and goes inside.]
SpongeBob: Good morning! I want a pizza.
Worker: I’m sorry, but there’s no pizza left.
SpongeBob: What? But this is an Italian restaurant! How is there no pizza?
Worker: An orange cat ate all of it.
SpongeBob: …What?
Garfield: Sorry dude, but I was hungry.
SpongeBob: And this is Hungary.
[SpongeBob walks out and continues walking on the street; cut back to Orbán.]
Orbán: Who are you?
[The man is revealed to be Gyurcsány.]
Orbán: Gyurcsány! I thought you were an immigrant! The torn and dusty Gucci jeans fit perfectly on your feet, your grey Chanel hoodie slips on your belly to a level where your abs that you carefully paint on every morning are visible. You messed up your face with your daughter's brown watercolour and graphite powder. You didn’t comb your hair, although we are used to it by now. And of course, you are holding the newest Iphone 19 in your hand, like a real migrant.
Gyurcsány: Indeed.
Orbán: mi a faszért van ez a gecis szar még mindig rajtad feri baszd meg (why the fuck is this fucking shit still on you feri oh my god)
Gyurcsány: BECAUSE IT FITS ME  AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND FASHION AND IT IS MY RIGHT TO DRESS AS I WANT AND YOU DO NOT RESPECT THIS RIGHT THEREFORE YOU ARE A EVIL AND I’M TELLING MOM
[Gyurcsány runs away crying.]
Orbán: Damn, I didn’t even get to steal his phone.
[SpongeBob enters the room.]
SpongeBob: Hey Viktor, what are you doing?
Orbán: I made Gyurcsány cry.
SpongeBob: That’s… Cool, I guess.
Orbán: I hope that won’t lead to any bad consequences. Anyway, I have to compliment Putin now so he won’t bomb us.
[Cut to Gyurcsány in a studio.]
Gyurcsány: Okay guys, we need to film some propaganda!
Gergely Karácsony: Why?
Gyurcsány: Because Orbán said my fashion was bad, WHICH IS WRONG!
Gergely: Oh okay.
[The Gyurcsány Show theme song starts playing.]
Gyurcsány: My name is Ferenc Gyurcsány,
And I am proud to be,
Right back in my hometown,
With my new family.
There's old friends,
And new friends,
And even tax increasing!
Through good times,
And bad times,
It's true money I have!
And so I found a place,
Where everyone will know,
My Mini Feri face,
This is The Gyurcsány Show!
[Gergely starts the camera.]
Gyurcsány: Hey guys, Ferenc Gyurcsány here, and today I am going to make a rant video about  Viktor Orbán. He said my fashion was bad, WHICH IS WRONG! He’s gay. That’s it. Rant over. Thanks for watching and remember to like and subscribe.
[Gergely stops filming.]
Gergely: You know, Gyurcsány, that wasn’t very good. I have a better script.
Gyurcsány: Really? Let me read it.
French Narrator: About half an hour later…
Gyurcsány: Okay, I got this!
[Gergely starts filming again.]
Gyurcsány: I’ve come to make an announcement. Viktor Orbán is a BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER! HE PISSED ON MY FUCKING WIFE! THAT'S RIGHT. HE TOOK HIS GAY FUCKIN' GOULASH DICK OUT, AND HE PISSED ON MY FUCKING WIFE, AND HE SAID HIS DICK WAS "this big" AND I SAID THAT'S DISGUSTING. SO I'M MAKING A CALLOUT POST ON MY TWITTER DOT COM. VIKTOR ORBÁN, YOU GOT A SMALL DICK. IT'S THE SIZE OF THIS WALNUT EXCEPT WAY SMALLER, AND GUESS WHAT. HERE'S WHAT MY DONG LOOKS LIKE. THAT'S RIGHT, BABY. TALL POINTS, NO GOULASH, NO PILLOWS, LOOK AT THAT IT LOOKS LIKE TWO BALLS AND A BONG. HE FUCKED MY WIFE, SO GUESS WHAT, I'M GONNA FUCK THE EARTH. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! MY SUPER LASER PISS!!! EXCEPT I'M NOT GONNA PISS ON THE EARTH. I'M GONNA GO HIGHER. I'M PISSING ON THE MOON!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT JÁNOS ÁDER!? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU HAVE 23 HOURS BEFORE THE PISS DROPLETS HIT THE FUCKING EARTH, NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT BEFORE I PISS ON YOU TOO!
[Gergely stops filming.]
Gergely: That… Was beautiful.
Gyurcsány: I know, right?
Soros: This will surely convert all the Orbán fans!
Gyurcsány: Surely!
[Cut to Orbán talking to Putin.]
Orbán: Hey Putin, what are you doing?
Putin: Nothing much, just sending some more soldiers into Ukraine.
Orbán: That sounds… Great…
Putin: I know, right?
Orbán: Yeah…
Putin: Do you want to eat something?
Orbán: Like what?
Putin: Vodka.
Orbán: You can’t eat Vodka, you can only drink Vodka.
Putin: NO DISRESPECT! CORRECT ME ONE MORE TIME AND HUNGARY WILL BE GONE!
Orbán: Sorry, let’s eat Vodka.
Putin: Okay!
[Cut to Orbán with SpongeBob again.]
SpongeBob: So how did the meeting go?
Orbán: I think I ate too much Vodka.
[Orbán faints.]
SpongeBob: ORBÁN NO!
[Gyurcsány jumps in through the window.]
Gyurcsány: HA! Look at that! The fat bastard is dead!
SpongeBob: How dare you call this beautiful man a fat bastard?! I will hit you!
[SpongeBob hits Gyurcsány but it doesn’t hurt him at all.]
Gyurcsány: …
[Gyurcsány turns on his camera.]
Gyurcsány: Yo what is up everyone, the fat bastard Viktor Orbán is fucking dead! Ding dong, the bitch is dead!
SpongeBob: Well that isn't very nice!
Gyurcsány: I don’t care.
[Gyurcsány jumps out the window and breaks his leg.]
Gyurcsány: (offscreen) MY FUCKING LEG!!!
SpongeBob: Viktor, please wake up!
[Orbán wakes up.]
SpongeBob: Huh it actually worked.
Orbán: wuh happun
SpongeBob: You fainted and then Gyurcsány was here but he’s not here anymore and he broke his leg.
Orbán: That’s great.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Well, I’m gonna go now, I assume you have important things to do.
Orbán: Eh, not really.
[SpongeBob starts leaving.]
SpongeBob: Well bye, Viktor!
Orbán: Bye, SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob leaves.]
Orbán: What a nice guy. Well now I’m going to watch porn again.
[Credits roll.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E3: Március 15. [March 15, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
[Lobster Productions logo; the episode starts with Orbán sitting in his chair.]
Orbán: Wow, I can’t believe it's March 15th already. 174 years ago today the Hungarian Civic Revolution and War of Independence of 1848–1849 that was one of many European Revolutions of 1848 and was closely linked to other revolutions of 1848 in the Habsburg areas started. Although the revolution failed, it is one of the most significant events in Hungary's modern history, forming the cornerstone of modern Hungarian national identity. In April 1848, Hungary became the third country of Continental Europe (after France (1791), and Belgium (1831)) to enact a law about democratic parliamentary elections. It thereafter set up a representative type of parliament which replaced the old feudal estate–based parliamentary system. The crucial turning point of events was when the new young Austrian monarch Franz Joseph I arbitrarily revoked the April laws (ratified by King Ferdinand I) without any legal competence. This unconstitutional act irreversibly escalated the conflict between the Hungarian parliament and Franz Joseph. The new constrained Stadion Constitution of Austria, the revocation of the April laws, and the Austrian military campaign against the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in the fall of the pacifist Batthyány government (who sought agreement with the court) and led to the sudden emergence of Lajos Kossuth's followers in the parliament, who demanded the full independence of Hungary. The Austrian military intervention in the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in strong anti-Habsburg sentiment among Hungarians, thus the events in Hungary grew into a war for total independence from the Habsburg dynasty. Around 40% of the private soldiers in the Hungarian Revolutionary Army consisted of ethnic minorities of the country. After a series of serious Austrian defeats in 1849, the Austrian Empire came close to the brink of collapse. The young emperor Franz Joseph I had to call for Russian help in the name of the Holy Alliance. Tsar Nicholas I answered, and sent a 200,000 strong army with 80,000 auxiliary forces. Finally, the joint army of Russian and Austrian forces defeated the Hungarian forces. After the restoration of Habsburg power, Hungary was placed under martial law. The anniversary of the Revolution's outbreak, 15 March, is one of Hungary's three national holidays (the other two are: the 20th day of August, in memory of the state's founding and its founder King Saint Stephen and the 23rd day of October, in memory of the 1956 Revolution and War of Independence.)
Gergely Karácsony: Thank you, Wikipedia.
Orbán: You’re welcome.
[Cut to SpongeBob walking on the street.]
SpongeBob: I wonder why all the decorations are on the quite decoratable decorationful houses.
[Sonic runs over SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: That quite hurt.
Sonic: Sorry, SpongeBob SquarePants from the hit TV cartoon series SpongeBob SquarePants, but I was just going to fast to the movies to see my brand new movie Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (2022).
SpongeBob: Oh okay then I’m not mad at you because that movie is really epic and you should check it out.
Sonic: Indeed, now I…
[Sonic shouts.]
Sonic: GOTTA GO FAST!
[Sonic sonically sonics away.]
SpongeBob: That guy sure was quite r[BLEEP]ed.
[Mr. Zsidó hears this and walks to SpongeBob.]
Mr. Zsidó: Wow, SpongeBob, that sure isn’t very good behaviour in public.
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, me using that word was merely a mistake.
Mr. Zsidó: It’s okay, but if you say it again you’re getting cancelled.
SpongeBob: Do you have autism?
Mr. Zsidó: WHAT? NO! I’m just Jewish.
SpongeBob: I see.
[Cut to SpongeBob entering the Parlament.]
SpongeBob: Hey, Orbán, what are you doing today?
Orbán: Nothing much, I was just preparing for the March 15th party!
SpongeBob: What’s March 15th?
Orbán: It’s a date.
SpongeBob: Well yes, but what happens on it?
Orbán: The Hungarian Civic Revolution and War of Independence of 1848–1849 that was one of many European Revolutions of 1848 and was closely linked to other revolutions of 1848 in the Habsburg areas. Although the revolution failed, it is one of the most significant events in Hungary's modern history, forming the cornerstone of modern Hungarian national identity. In April 1848, Hungary became the third country of Continental Europe (after France (1791), and Belgium (1831)) to enact a law about democratic parliamentary elections. It thereafter set up a representative type of parliament which replaced the old feudal estate–based parliamentary system. The crucial turning point of events was when the new young Austrian monarch Franz Joseph I arbitrarily revoked the April laws (ratified by King Ferdinand I) without any legal competence. This unconstitutional act irreversibly escalated the conflict between the Hungarian parliament and Franz Joseph. The new constrained Stadion Constitution of Austria, the revocation of the April laws, and the Austrian military campaign against the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in the fall of the pacifist Batthyány government (who sought agreement with the court) and led to the sudden emergence of Lajos Kossuth's followers in the parliament, who demanded the full independence of Hungary. The Austrian military intervention in the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in strong anti-Habsburg sentiment among Hungarians, thus the events in Hungary grew into a war for total independence from the Habsburg dynasty. Around 40% of the private soldiers in the Hungarian Revolutionary Army consisted of ethnic minorities of the country. After a series of serious Austrian defeats in 1849, the Austrian Empire came close to the brink of collapse. The young emperor Franz Joseph I had to call for Russian help in the name of the Holy Alliance. Tsar Nicholas I answered, and sent a 200,000 strong army with 80,000 auxiliary forces. Finally, the joint army of Russian and Austrian forces defeated the Hungarian forces. After the restoration of Habsburg power, Hungary was placed under martial law. The anniversary of the Revolution's outbreak, 15 March, is one of Hungary's three national holidays (the other two are: the 20th day of August, in memory of the state's founding and its founder King Saint Stephen and the 23rd day of October, in memory of the 1956 Revolution and War of Independence.)
SpongeBob: Thank you Wikipedia, now I understand what happened on March 15th.
Karácsony: This is the second time you have just said 5 paragraphs from Wikipedia.
Orbán: I can make it three if you want.
Karácsony: NO-
Orbán: The Hungarian Civic Revolution and War of Independence of 1848–1849 that was one of many European Revolutions of 1848 and was closely linked to other revolutions of 1848 in the Habsburg areas.
[Cut to Gyurcsány walking on a street. He is still dressed like an immigrant. The torn and dusty Gucci jeans fit perfectly on his feet, his gray Chanel hoodie slips on your belly to a level where his abs that he carefully paints on every morning are visible. He messed up his face with his daughter's brown watercolor and graphite powder. He didn’t comb your hair, although we are used to it by now. And of course, he is holding the newest Iphone 19 in his hand, like a real migrant.]
Gyurcsány: I am so pretty.
[Gyurcsány notices a sign reading “Előre menjünk, ne hátra! – Orbán Viktor, FIDESZ”.]
Gyurcsány: I AM ALREADY GOING FORWARD YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!! THAT ORBÁN IS SO STUPID HE IS VERY STUPID OF COURSE HE IS STUPID HE’S VERY GAY AND STUPID AND UGLY AND HE IS BAD AND I HATE HIM AND HE WILL LOSE THE 2022 ELECTION!
[Péter Jakab walks to Gyurcsány.]
Péter: Oh my God, I completely agree! That Orbán guy SUCKS! Let’s kill him!
Gyurcsány: Okay, that might be too much.
Péter: Suck my dick it’s not enough.
Gyurcsány: Why don’t you go out and chase cars, you queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer?!
Péter: I AM NOT A QUEER! I AM STRAIGHT! I AM THE STRAIGHTEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST!
Gyurcsány: That’s what CrazySponge says.
Péter: FUCKING JEW
[Cut to Orbán putting on decorations in his office.]
Orbán: (the other two are: the 20th day of August, in memory of the state's founding and its founder King Saint Stephen and the 23rd day of October, in memory of the 1956 Revolution and War of Independence.)
Karácsony: ok
Orbán: Anyway, I’m so excited! This party is going to be great!
SpongeBob: It will be! We will invite a lot of people!
Orbán: Yeah! Also, that reminds me, Gergely, go tell Anikó to make me dinner.
Karácsony: Okay!
[Karácsony calls up Anikó on his IPhone.]
Karácsony: Hey, Mrs. Orbán, make dinner for him, or he will chop off your head.
[Anikó says something unintelligible through the phone.]
Karácsony: That’s great. Women belong in the kitchen.
[Karácsony hangs up the call.]
Karácsony: She said it will be done by the time you arrive home.
Orbán: Great!
SpongeBob: Wait, is everyone going to be at the party?
Orbán: Yeah! Everyone!
SpongeBob: Even the opposition?
Orbán: Yeah…
SpongeBob: But if they have a super evil scheme, and want to kill us?
Orbán: Nah, they wouldn’t do that.
SpongeBob: …Are you sure?
Orbán: Yes!
Karácsony: That is not a very good idea, sir.
Orbán: I didn’t ask for your opinion.
[Cut to Péter Dancsó filming a new video. The video begins with a Russian meme stolen from TikTok without credit.]
Dancsó: That was a very funny video, wasn’t it te$a?
[Awkward pause.]
Dancsó: Anyway, I want to tell you about how great the Hungarian Civic Revolution and War of Independence of 1848–1849 that was one of many European Revolutions of 1848 was. It was closely linked to other revolutions of 1848 in the Habsburg areas. Although the revolution failed, it is one of the most significant events in Hungary's modern history, forming the cornerstone of modern Hungarian national identity. In April 1848, Hungary became the third country of Continental Europe (after France (1791), and Belgium (1831)) to enact a law about democratic parliamentary elections. It thereafter set up a representative type of parliament which replaced the old feudal estate–based parliamentary system. The crucial turning point of events was when the new young Austrian monarch Franz Joseph I arbitrarily revoked the April laws (ratified by King Ferdinand I) without any legal competence. This unconstitutional act irreversibly escalated the conflict between the Hungarian parliament and Franz Joseph. The new constrained Stadion Constitution of Austria, the revocation of the April laws, and the Austrian military campaign against the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in the fall of the pacifist Batthyány government (who sought agreement with the court) and led to the sudden emergence of Lajos Kossuth's followers in the parliament, who demanded the full independence of Hungary. The Austrian military intervention in the Kingdom of Hungary resulted in strong anti-Habsburg sentiment among Hungarians, thus the events in Hungary grew into a war for total independence from the Habsburg dynasty. Around 40% of the private soldiers in the Hungarian Revolutionary Army consisted of ethnic minorities of the country. After a series of serious Austrian defeats in 1849, the Austrian Empire came close to the brink of collapse. The young emperor Franz Joseph I had to call for Russian help in the name of the Holy Alliance. Tsar Nicholas I answered, and sent a 200,000 strong army with 80,000 auxiliary forces. Finally, the joint army of Russian and Austrian forces defeated the Hungarian forces. After the restoration of Habsburg power, Hungary was placed under martial law. The anniversary of the Revolution's outbreak, 15 March, is one of Hungary's three national holidays (the other two are: the 20th day of August, in memory of the state's founding and its founder King Saint Stephen and the 23rd day of October, in memory of the 1956 Revolution and War of Independence.)
[More awkward pause.]
Dancsó: I’m sure that you find that very epic, so now here’s another meme.
[Another meme stolen from TikTok without credit plays.]
Dancsó: That meme was also funny, right? Now here’s a song I found that I like:
[Nugget in a Biscuit starts playing.]
Chicken
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Dip it all in mashed potatoes!
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Dip it all in mashed potatoes!
Dip it all in mashed potatoes
And dip the mashed potato covered
Chicken nugget biscuit in a BBQ sauce
MMM! Yum, yum, gimme!
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Dip it all in mashed potatoes!
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Nugget, biscuit, nugget in a biscuit
Dip it all in mashed potatoes!
Dip it all in mashed potatoes
And dip the mashed potato covered
Chicken nugget biscuit in a BBQ sauce
MMM! Yum, yum, gimme!
[Nugget in a Biscuit stops playing.]
Dancsó: That was so funny, wasn’t it? I totally didn’t steal it! Anyway Orbán is throwing a new party (during a pandemic), isn’t that just crazy? I’m going to play a meme for no reason.
[Yet another stolen meme from TikTok with no credit plays.]
Dancsó: That meme was funny too! But now, I’m gonna go, bye, guys!
[The video ends and it’s revealed that Gyurcsány and Péter Jakab were watching the video on the iPhone 19.]
Gyurcsány: I can’t believe it, Orbán is throwing a party!
Péter: So that’s why he sent a letter! I thought he was just telling me to pay taxes again.
Gyurcsány: I have an idea… What if we try to kill him there? No one will suspect a thing!
Péter: I doubt that, but sure.
[Cut to Orbán starting the party with SpongeBob and Karácsony.]
Orbán: It’s here! We are having a party! Everyone, come! This party will be amazing!
[Andor Deli arrives at the party.]
Andor: Hey guys, did I miss anything?
SpongeBob: The party just started! Come, listen to epic dubstep!
[SpongeBob turns on the speakers and they start blasting dubstep]
Orbán: I think my ears are bleeding.
Andor: Aw yeah! I love dubstep!
[They all start dancing but then Ádám Kosa enters.]
Ádám: This is so epic!
Orbán: I agree!
[Cut to Gyurcsány and Péter walking on the way to the Parlament.]
Péter: This is going to be rad!
Gyurcsány: Yeah!
[They notice Weeb standing at the Parlament door.]
Gyurcsány: Hey, Chinese cartoon!
Weeb: ANIME IS NOT CHINESE IT'S JAPANESE!
Gyurcsány: Yeah, whatever. Do you know how to get into the Parlament?
Weeb: Yeah, you open the door.
Péter: Thank you!
[Cut to them at the party.]
Gyurcsány: Hey, Orbán, want to see something?
Orbán: No.
Gyurcsány: Well I don't care, you are going to see my knife!
[Gyurcsány tries to stab Orbán but SpongeBob punches him.]
Gyurcsány: ow
Orbán: Wow, thanks SpongeBob!
Péter: NO! Gyurcsány!
[Péter runs away crying.]
Orbán: Okay let's continue this party!
[Suddenly, the Ghost of Sándor Petőfi appears.]
Petőfi: You are disrespecting everything I fought for!
SpongeBob: Oh my God, it's Petőfi!
Petőfi: I will end this party.
[The electricity goes out and everyone stops partying.]
Orbán: Well, I guess we all learned our lesson: don't disrespect the dead!
[Credits roll.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E1: Daddy Pig Accidentally Kills Someone [March 16, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of Granny Pig and Grandpa Pig’s house.]
Narrator: This is Granny Pig and Grandpa Pig’s house. They are going away for the weekend.
[Fade into the house, where SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are watching Granny Pig and Grandpa Pig just about to leave the house with their suitcases.]
Granny Pig: Thanks for agreeing to look after my chickens on such short notice.
Grandpa Pig: Er, and my fruit and vegetables! Remember to regularly check on and water them. They’re way more important than Granny Pig’s annoying chickens.
Granny Pig: They are not annoying!
Grandpa Pig: They are vile little creatures!
Granny Pig: You can’t even get their names right - it’s Jemimah, Sarah, Vanessa and Neville the Cockerel.
Grandpa Pig: That’s what I said, Tom, Dick and Harry.
SpongeBob: Is there anything else we need to know?
Grandpa Pig: Oh that’s right, feel free to help yourselves to anything in the kitchen. But seriously, if anything happens my vegetables-
Granny Pig: -or my chickens!
Grandpa Pig: (sighs) -or her chickens, you’ll end up like Suzy Sheep. T-T-F-N!
[The two walk off and shut the door.]
SpongeBob: T-T-F-what?
Daddy Pig: You’re such a yankee doodle sometimes.500px|centre[Daddy Pig walks off into the kitchen. SpongeBob hesitantly follows.]
SpongeBob: Um, what are you doing?
Daddy Pig: (rummaging through the drawers) They said to feel free to help ourselves to anything in the kitchen!
SpongeBob: Heh, I don’t think they meant anything-
Daddy Pig: (gasps) Oh my God!
SpongeBob: What’s the matter?
Daddy Pig: (excited) They’ve got Colin the Caterpillar biscuits! This is not just food, it’s bloody expensive food! Oh my lord, next pay day we HAVE to go down to Mark’s and Spark’s!
SpongeBob: Mark’s and Spark’s?
Daddy Pig: (with a mouthful of biscuits) You really are a yankee doodle, aren’t you?
[Cut to the two walking out into the garden. Daddy Pig is still shoving his face with packets of Colin the Caterpillar biscuits.]
Daddy Pig: Now, I suppose we better go check on those chickens.
SpongeBob: And Grandpa Pig’s garden!
Daddy Pig: Oh, don’t worry about that nonsense! I’m a bit of an expert at gardening. It’s just a load of dirt and shit, as long as it rains we’ll be fine.
Narrator: Last time Daddy Pig looked after some plants, they all died.
[The two reach the chicken coop. The three chickens and one cockerel are happily clucking around.]
SpongeBob: Awwwwww! Look at how cute they are! I just wanna go and squidge their little faces!
Chicken: i am chicken
SpongeBob: They’re adorable!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, they’re all still alive. We can go home now!
SpongeBob: But- Granny Pig and Grandpa Pig trusted us to look after their house!
Daddy Pig: Pffffft, they’re just a bunch of old people worried about nothing. Let’s go watch the new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy film!
SpongeBob: Oh, I already saw that on release day. It’s not as good as the first two films, I don’t like how they retcon’d how the Quickster and Miss Appear met.
Daddy Pig: Oh, come on! It can’t be that bad, apparently Keanu Reeves and Snoop Dogg are in it!
SpongeBob: Hmmmmm… I don’t know.
Daddy Pig: I’ll buy you popcorn!
SpongeBob: And Pick-a-Mix?
Daddy Pig: Alright, but I’m only paying for a medium for you.
SpongeBob: Deal! (laughs)
[The two walk off. Cut to an exterior shot of Granny and Grandpa Pig’s house. The sky turns from daytime to nighttime, and then daytime again. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walk back to the house.]
Narrator: It is the next day, SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are back from the cinema.
Daddy Pig: Meh, you were right. The first film will always be the best.
SpongeBob: Yeah. I mean I guess that’s what happens when it’s directed by the same guy who made Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas ever.
Daddy Pig: Aw, I liked that film! That cat really was so grumpy! (laughs)
[The two walk into the house.]
Daddy Pig: A’ight, I’m gonna get some more of those Colin the Caterpillar biscuits and then check on that stupid garden of theirs. Can you see if they’ve got this week’s newspaper in the sitting room or something?
SpongeBob: Sitting room?
[Pause. Daddy Pig gives SpongeBob a deadpan look.]
SpongeBob: Oh you mean the lounge. (laughs) British people.
[SpongeBob walks into the “sitting room” while Daddy Pig starts rummaging through the cupboards again.]
SpongeBob: (off-screen, screams) FLIPPIN’ FLOTSAMS!!! WHAT’S THAT?!
[Daddy Pig rushes into the “sitting room” after SpongeBob.]
Daddy Pig: What happened? Did Suzy Sheep die again?
[Pan over to a birdcage in the corner of the room. A green parrot is lying on the floor, dead. Dramatic sting.]
Daddy Pig: Oh.
Narrator: Oh dear. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have killed Polly Parrot.
SpongeBob: (crying) OH, IT’S HORRIBLE! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK AFTER HER FOR GRANNY AND GRANDPA PIG! (sobs) AND WE KILLED HER! (wipes tears) I didn’t even know they had a parrot!
Daddy Pig: Oh that’s right! It’s name is… Peggy Parrot or something.
Narrator: Her name is actually Polly Parrot.
Daddy Pig: Polly Parrot?! (laughs) What kind of stupid name is that?!
SpongeBob: I don’t think now’s the time, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Oh right. Sorry.
SpongeBob: How are we going to tell Granny and Grandpa Pig about this?
Daddy Pig: That’s the neat part - we don’t.
SpongeBob: Huh?
Daddy Pig: We’re not going to tell them it’s dead!
SpongeBob: I mean, surely they’d notice if their pet parrot has done a Suzy Sheep or not.
Daddy Pig: Not if their pet parrot hasn’t died!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, pardon my language but what the hell are you talking about?
Daddy Pig: We have to cover this up, SpongeBob. We’re going to buy a new parrot!
SpongeBob: A new parrot?
Daddy Pig: Is there an echo in here?
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, I’m not sure if this is a good idea.
Daddy Pig: Trust me, SpongeBob. Peppa and George’s pet goldfish has died countless times, and they have not noticed that I’ve had to replace that damn bugger once!
SpongeBob: Yeah, but they’re children! If my precious little Gare-bear died, I don’t know what I’d do!
Daddy Pig: Relax SpongeBob! As long as we buy a new parrot that’s exactly like the old one, they will not notice at all! The pair are old and almost senile, we probably need to start thinking about sending them to a retirement home soon anyway.
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob, listen. Would you rather us tell them that we killed Peggy Parrot-
SpongeBob: -Polly Parrot.
Daddy Pig: Whatever. Would you rather us tell them that we killed their bird, or do we just pull the ol’ bait and switch?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: (sighs) I’d rather pull the ol’ bait and switch. But if this backfires they’re not going to trust us with anything ever again!
Daddy Pig: I can live with that, I only agreed to look after the house for the money.
SpongeBob: Wait you never told me we were getting paid for this!
Daddy Pig: Well, er… changing the subject, I will go down and buy a new bird, and you can stay here and make sure the chickens haven’t also decided to pull a Suzy Sheep.
SpongeBob: Gotcha! Just remember, the new bird has to look exactly like Polly Parrot.
Daddy Pig: Oh, it’ll be easy as pie!
[Bubble transition to Daddy Pig walking down the Peppa Pig World high street.]
Narrator: This is the Peppa Pig World high street, where all the Peppa Pig World shops are.
[Daddy Pig enters a pet shop.]
Narrator: And this is Miss Rabbit’s pet shop.
Miss Rabbit: Ah, Daddy Pig! My favourite wife-cheater! What can I help you with today?
Daddy Pig: I’m, er… looking to buy a budgie please.
[Cut to Daddy Pig and SpongeBob back in Granny and Grandpa Pig’s house, watching a blue budgie happily fly around Polly Parrot’s old cage.]
SpongeBob: …Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Yes?
SpongeBob: …I don’t think that’s a green parrot.
Daddy Pig: I mean he looked sorta like Polly when I was in the shop.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: POLLY WAS A FEMALE, YOU IDIOT!
Daddy Pig: Alright, alright! I’m sorry! Maybe they won’t notice the difference?
SpongeBob: HOW COULD THEY NOT NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE?! THE NEW BIRD’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLOR, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SPECIES, AND A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GENDER!
Daddy Pig: I said I’m sorry, okay?! Maybe we could telling them Polly came out as transgender or something, I don’t know!
SpongeBob: TRANSGENDER?! SHE’S A BIRD! HOW ARE WE GONNA EXPLAIN HOW SHE MAGICALLY TURNED INTO A BLUE BUDGIE THEN?!
Daddy Pig: …there’s gotta be some people who identify as trans-race, right?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh my Neptune, we’re fucking dead.
[The doorbell suddenly goes off.]
SpongeBob: That can’t be them, right?
[The doorbell goes off again.]
Narrator: Granny and Grandpa Pig are home from their weekend trip.
SpongeBob: For fuck’s sake.
Granny Pig: (off-screen, knocks on the door) Hello? Are you in there, boys?
Grandpa Pig: (off-screen) We, heh, forget to bring our keys with us.
SpongeBob: What are we going to do?
Daddy Pig: It’s okay, it’s okay! We just… we just need to play it cool.
SpongeBob: PLAY IT COOL?!!!
Granny Pig: (off-screen) Heellllloooooooooooo?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I told you, they’re old and almost senile. They won’t even notice!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig opening the door, nervously grinning.]
Daddy Pig: Heyyyyyyyyyyy, how are my FAVOURITE parents-in-law doing?!
Grandpa Pig: Ah, there you are!
Granny Pig: What took you so long?
SpongeBob: We were, uh… pooping.
[Pause.]
Granny Pig: Together?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Yes.
Daddy Pig: So, uh… heh, how was your trip?
Granny Pig: Oh, thank you for asking! It was amazing! You really should go to the Isle of Wight sometime, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, uh… I will definitely keep that in mind. Anyway… nice chat, but we really need to be going.
Grandpa Pig: Already? Don’t you want a cup of tea while we unpack or something?
SpongeBob: Oh, we’d, um, love to! But you see, we have something really important that we have to do right now so-
Granny Pig: Oh, of course! I’ll let you boys get right to it.
[Daddy Pig hands over some keys to Granny Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Here are your keys, Granny Pig.
Granny Pig: Aw… you always were a good one, Daddy Pig. I knew I could trust you to look after my chickens.
Grandpa Pig: Um, and my garden! Everything is alright, isn’t it?
SpongeBob: Yep! Heh-heh, everything is okay! Perfect, even! You could even say it’s better than ever! It’s just how we left it!
[Pause.]
Grandpa Pig: Well… okay then. We’ll see you around then. T-T-F-N!
Daddy Pig: T-T-F-N!
Grandpa Pig: Oh, and thanks.
[Granny and Grandpa Pig walk back into the house.]
Daddy Pig: Fuck! Those twats forgot to pay us!
SpongeBob: Run. Now.
Daddy Pig: B-b-but-
[Granny Pig is heard screaming off-screen.]
Daddy Pig: Uh-oh.
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig nervously run back into the house after them.]
Daddy Pig: Everything alright, dears?
Granny Pig: P-P-P-P… Polly-
SpongeBob: She’s more alive than she’s even been, huh?
Granny Pig: She’s… blue! And a budgie! And a boy!
Daddy Pig: Those transgenders, amirite? (nervously laughs)
SpongeBob: Y-y-you… you don’t have a problem with this, do you Granny Pig?
Granny Pig: Yes!
SpongeBob: Well, I for one think Polly’s new look suits him!
Granny Pig: Maybe, but Polly was dead when we left for the ferry!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob and Daddy Pig: Oh.
Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have done a whoops-y.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walking back into SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
SpongeBob: Welp, they’re not trusting us with anything ever again.
Daddy Pig: Hey, it’s not all bad! There’s problem a lesson to be learnt from this experience somewhere.
SpongeBob: Don’t go replacing dead parrots with budgies?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know. But... (pulls out some money) we got fifty quid out of it!
SpongeBob: Hey, give me some!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, fine. £10 alright?
SpongeBob: £25, no more, no less.
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I guess that’s only fair.
[Daddy Pig hands SpongeBob the money.]
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Daddy Pig: You’re welcome.
SpongeBob: Any idea on what we could do with this dough?
Daddy Pig: We could buy another budgie.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: No.
[end]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E2: Krusty NFTs [March 19, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. Cut to the inside where Daddy Pig and Mr. Rabbit are sitting and eating some Krabby Patties together.]
Mr. Rabbit: Mmmmm, I must say Mr. Pig, these Krabby Patties you were telling me about are even better than I expected!
Daddy Pig: Why thank you! I must say I am a bit of an expert when it comes to sniffing out good places to eat on our lunch breaks. This bacon Krabby Patty REALLY hits the spot!
Narrator: Daddy Pig likes bacon.
[Squidward walks over to the table.]
Squidward: Please don’t excuse me fellas, but you still owe your fifteen dollars and fifty eight cents.
Mr. Rabbit: Oh, my apologies. I believe this should cover it.
[Mr. Rabbit takes out a piece of paper with a drawing of a monkey on it, and hands it to Squidward.]
Squidward: …this is not fifteen dollars and fifty eight cents, sir.
Mr. Rabbit: Oh, no no no! You are absolutely right, it’s even better! It’s a N-F-T.
[Pause.]
Squidward: A what now?
Daddy Pig: You mean like an STD?
Mr. Rabbit: No, no, an N-F-T. It stands for “non-fungible token”.
[Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office, bathing in a bath filled with dollars bills.]
Mr. Rabbit: (off-screen, muffled) They’re like these little art pieces you can invest in, and some of them can be worth millions!
[Mr. Krabs’ eyes suddenly widen.]
Mr. Krabs: Invest? Millions?
[Mr. Krabs suddenly rushes out to Mr. Rabbit wearing nothing but a bathrobe.]
Squidward: I’m very sorry sir, but I find it incredibly hard to believe that a crudely printed out jpeg of an even crudely-er monkey could be worth millions.
Mr. Rabbit: Well, you’re also right there. This particular NFT is only worth twenty quid. But it should cover our meal, no?
Mr. Krabs: We’ll take it!
Squidward: WHAT?! B-but Mr. Krabs! It’s a drawing of a monkey!
Mr. Krabs: A drawing of a monkey worth twenty dollars, Mr. Squidward! Say, Mr….
Mr. Rabbit: Rabbit.
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Rabbit, how, um… how could I invest in some of these M-O-Ts myself?
Mr. Rabbit: Oh, it’s very simple really. It’s all in the blockchain. If you know how, you could even mint our OWN NFTs!
[Mr. Krabs’ pupils turn into dollar signs, and he faints.]
Mr. Rabbit: Um, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs?
[Pause.]
Squidward: He’ll be fine. (walks off)
[The next day…]
[Cut to The Krusty Krab, the next day. Squidward walks in to find SpongeBob half-asleep on a table.]
Squidward: Another day, another migra- SpongeBob?!
SpongeBob: Ugh… hi, Squidward. (his face falls on the table)
Squidward: Wh-what’s the matter?
SpongeBob: I was up all night drawing some… pictures for Mr. Krabs. (starts snoring)
Squidward: Oh my Neptune, he’s not really going through with this, is he?
[Mr. Krabs walks out from his office.]
Mr. Krabs: Indeed I am, Mr. Squidward! You see, I’ve been looking into the M-O-T things-
Squidward: They’re called N-F-Ts-
Mr. Krabs: I don’t care what they’re called, I’ve been looking into them and you should see how many people have gotten rich with these things! That’s why today, my friend, marks the launch of THE KRUSTY KRAB’S FIRST EVER LINE OF NON-FUNGIBLE TOKENS! (blows a party blower)
Squidward: (sighs) Mr. Krabs, you know this is just one big massive scam, right?!
Mr. Krabs: Calm down, Squidward, I’ve got this all figured out. Look.
[Mr. Krabs pulls out his phone and starts showing Squidward some of the Krusty Krab NFTs.]
Mr. Krabs: We’ve got a Mr. Krabs NFT, a Mr. Krabs in a moustache NFT, a Mr. Krabs in a sailor uniform NFT-
Squidward: These are all just the exact same image but with little changes to make them seem different!
Mr. Krabs: I know! Isn’t this great?!
Squidward: You’re hurting the environment, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Pffft, who cares about the environment? We’re all gonna die anyway, might as well make it happen faster.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs! That is a horrible way to live!
Mr. Krabs: What? I’m just a businessman… doing business. You can hate, or you can create. What’ll it be?
SpongeBob: I don’t know what an N-F-T is, but if I knew I was helping you hurt the environment I wouldn’t have helped you in the first place!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I wouldn’t say we’re hurting the environment persay, we’re just… “helping it along”.
[SpongeBob throws his hat on the floor.]
SpongeBob: (a tear sheds from his eyes) Good day, sir.
[SpongeBob begins to walk off… but he falls asleep on the floor again before he can make it out of the door.]
Mr. Krabs: …I’m gonna have to take this out of his paycheck. Just trust me, Mr. Squidward, this whole N-F-T thing is gonna be a hit!
French Narrator: Two hours later…
[Time-jump to later that day. A riot is forming outside The Krusty Krab.]
Charlotte Sheep: (holding a picket sign) Krusty Krab is unfair! Mr. Krabs is in there! Standing at the concession, plotting his oppression!
Eggman: I’ve come to make an announcement - Mr. Krabs is a bitch-ass motherfucker.
Charlotte Sheep: Wait you’re Dr. Eggman, why are you against N-F-Ts?
Eggman: N-F-Ts killed my Grandma, okay?!
[Cut to the inside of the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: I don’t wanna be that guy Mr. Krabs, but… I told you so. (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: I… I just don’t understand. I thought N-F-Ts were all the rage nowadays!
SpongeBob: Um… Mr. Krabs? You might wanna see this.
[SpongeBob passes Mr. Krabs his phone.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? …SpongeBob, what the fuck.
[SpongeBob grabs his phone back from Mr. Krabs and sees that he’s just shown him a nude picture of Gary the Snail.]
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry. Heh. This is what I meant to show you.
[SpongeBob gives Mr. Krabs his phone again.]
Mr. Krabs: OH MY GOD! The Krusty Krab is trending on Twitter!
Squidward: Oh brother.
Mr. Krabs: Well, it turns out people DO like our NFTs after all! Let’s what people have to sa- “kill yourself corpsefucker”, “we hate you please die”, “jump off a cliff you old fuck”... well that’s lovely. What does “no bitches?” mean?
SpongeBob: (sighs) You’ve soiled the good Krusty Krab name, Mr. Krabs… soiled it.
Squidward: Eugene, for the first time ever, SpongeBob is right. You need to take down those NFTs and face that angry mob!
Mr. Krabs: What?! Never! I’m just a storyteller trying to tell my story! So what if emitting high carbon emissions is the best way to do that?!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it’s either lose the overpriced jpegs… or lose us.
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: (gulps)
[Suddenly, Plankton walks in.]
Plankton: Yoo-hoo! Hey Mr. Krabs ol’ pal!
Mr. Krabs: WANKTON!!! I mean- PLANKTON!!! Come to try and fail to steal me formula again, eh?
Plankton: Oh, your formula? Why the hell would I want to steal that useless tacky piece of paper?
SpongeBob: …because it’s what you’ve attempted to do every other week for two whole decades?
Plankton: Pfffft… the sandwich game is a lost cause, SpongeBob. NFTs are what it’s all about nowadays!
Mr. Krabs: Ha! See? Someone agrees with me! ……………he’s my arch-enemy, but still.
Plankton: Yeah, yeah, it’s nice when we both get along. Now, HAND OVER ALL OF YOUR NFTS OR ELSE!!!!
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: (smirks) Did you really think you could march on over here and steal my NFTs?
Plankton: Well… yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Agagagagagagagagag! Well guess what, loser? You can’t! Because they’re all in the blockchain! Agagagagagagagag!
Plankton: Oh really? Then I guess I won’t be able to do THIS then!
[Plankton takes out his phone and starts clicking save on all of Mr. Krabs’ jpegs.]
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Plankton: I’M SAVING ALL OF YOUR NFTS, BITCH!
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! YOU’RE STEALING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
Plankton: Yeah, and?
Mr. Krabs: Y- YOU- YOU CAN’T- PIRACY IS A CRI-
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) You’re right, boys. The NFTs have to go.
[Bubble transition to a new day at The Krusty Krab. Daddy Pig and Mr. Rabbit are having lunch together again.]
Narrator: It is the next day. Daddy Pig and Mr. Rabbit are having lunch together again.
Mr. Rabbit: Mmmm! You were right again! This bacon Krabby Patty is amazing!
[SpongeBob walks over to the table.]
SpongeBob: Umm… Daddy Pig? Mr. Rabbit? You still have to pay your bill.
Mr. Rabbit: Oh, don’t worry about it Daddy Pig. I’ll get it again. I believe this should cover it.
[Mr. Rabbit hands SpongeBob another NFT. After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in a fit of spontaneous laughter.]
Narrator: SpongeBob hates NFTs. Everyone hates NFTs!
=== (Z) Full Server S1E8: Gary Gets Drafted [March 25, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, Zoltan40, thatjess} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[We see various random shots of the city, as the live studio audience applauds. Cut to an exterior shot of a church, and then cut to the inside where a wedding is taking place.]
Daddy Pig: Zoltan’s Mum, do you take Scatman John to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Zoltan’s Mum: If fish can marry Scatman John, then so can I!
Daddy Pig: Scatman John, do you take Zoltan’s Mum to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Scatman John: I’m the Scatman.
[laugh track]
Daddy Pig: You may now kiss the bride.
[Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman John kiss as everyone applauds. Cut to the Full Server gang, and the newly wedded couple, re-entering the Full Server house.]
Zoltan: So… I guess Scatman John is my dad now.
[laugh track]
Pluto: I thought your dad was Xi Jingping.
Zoltan: MY DAD IS NOT AN ASIANG!
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: I mean, I’m a prostitute, I fuck a lot of people son. He could be your biological dad.
Zoltan: NOOOOO!
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: I’m not saying Xi Jingping is your dad, I’m just saying it is a possibility!
Pluto: Speaking of communist dictators, isn’t there a war going on right now?
[laugh track because war is a very funny subject and not a tragic event that shouldn’t be made fun of]
Zoltan: The one with Russia and Ukraine? Yeah, I hate all of them.
Jess: You’re not even gonna support Ukraine?
Zoltan: [looking around] Putin is watching us.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Besides, I hate Ukrainians. They should all die.
[laugh track because racism is a level comedy]
Jess: Well uh anyway, I’ve been thinking about something very important.
Pluto: Come on, tell us, honey!
Jess: I’ve been thinking about sending Gary to help Ukraine.
Pluto: WHAT. WHY?
Gary the Born Baby: I’m not even a month old and I’m already being displaced? Damn it!
[laugh track]
Jess: Well someone needs to help the war effort! I can’t go, because I’m a woman, and Pluto can’t go because I need him as a body pillow.
Pluto: I don’t remember that being part of the marriage plan.
[laugh track]
Jess: Well as the mother of Gary the Born Baby, it is my final decision to send him to war.
Pluto: Not fair! I’m the father of Gary!
Jess: All you did was inseminate him. I literally gave birth to him.
Gary: It’s true.
Pluto: So it’s settled? Our baby is going to be a soldier?
Gary: Not like I have a choice.
Jess: [turns to camera] You’ve heard of EB Gets Drafted, well this is Gary Gets Drafted! [wink]
[laugh track]
Jess: Luckily all I have to do is sign some online paperwork, give them my address and credit card information, my passport, my baby’s birth certificate, and my soul, and then Gary will be sent off to fight for Ukraine!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: That sounds like hell.
Jess: That’s why I mentioned giving them my soul.
Pluto: Oh. Not like we need those anyway, am I right?
Gary The Soldier Baby: Is everyone forgetting I’M ONE FUCKING WEEK OLD?!
[laugh track]
Jess: Aww, his little baby sounds are so cute. Too bad he’s gonna get PTSD soon.
Purple: I had PTSD once. Actually no, I still have it.
Pluto: Where the fuck did you come from?
[laugh track]
Purple: [shrugs] Did I do that?
[Laugh track because Urkel]
Pluto: No seriously, where did you come from?
Purple: My mom’s uterus? I live here too you know.
[Zoltan walks in]
Zoltan: HI DAD! So, how old will my new mom be again?
Purple: 17, why?
Zoltan: Huh, that seems too old for you.
Purple: I am NOT a pedophile. I’m only one ironically.
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, what do you mean new mum? Wait, Zoltan, a pedophile is your dad? I thought Scatman John was gonna be your dad…
Scatman: Scat
Zoltan’s Mum: Am I even your mum anymore?
Zoltan: Just because you’re Zoltan’s Mum, doesn’t mean you’re Zoltan’s mum.
Purple: This is confusing me, I’m gonna jack off to Judy from Zootopia now.
[Pause.]
Zoltan: why
Purple: Well, Nick Wilde was getting a bit old for me to be honest. I need to switch things up every once in a while.
[Dan walks in, audience applauses]
Dan: DID SOMEONE SAY JACKING OFF?
[Laugh track]
Purple: Yeah, I did. Why?
Dan: EVERYONE, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, AND JACK OFF TO LOLA BUNNY RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Zoltan: How are you, my brother?
Dan: Hey, it’s like what they say in South Park, I fucked your uncle yesterday!
Zoltan: I don’t think that answered my question. I don’t even know who my uncle is.
Purple: Oh, I have a brother! His name is WoofWoofGam3r.
[Woof comes in]
Woof: Hey guys check out this funny video of a Minecraft guy cumming out his username. It’s hilarious!
Dan: OH YEAH BABY! [bangs his chest like a gorilla]
Jess: Wait, where did Gary go?
[PoopFan enters]
PoopFan: Good morning, my fans! My names is PoopFan, but I don’t like poop!
Peter Griffin: But I do! I love scat!
Scatman John: Did someone say-
Zoltan: Wait, where’s Bot and Prim?
Pluto: They have Grovid, remember?
Zoltan: Oh right.
Prim: I love having Grovid.
SpongeBot: Let’s have sick sex!
Prim: Okay!
Jess: But where’s my son?
[Laugh track; The scene cuts to Gary boarding a flight to Kyiv, Ukraine.]
Ticket lady: I need to see your ticket, sir.
Gary: Ma’am, for the last time, my parents forced me to go fight for Ukraine in this war. I don’t even want to be here.
Ticket lady: Oh, the Russian-Ukraine war? Why didn’t you say so? Come right on in.
Gary: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you the past FIVE MINUTES!
Ticket lady: Huh?
Gary: [crawling past] Never mind, old hag. Get hearing aids.
[Changler walks up to the ticket lady.]
Changler: Hi, could I get a pretend ticket to Yemen?
[Laugh track; scene cuts to Gary on a plane with a bunch of Ukrainian soldiers]
Gary: [writing] Dear mother and father, if this is the last you ever hear from me, so be it. This is a war that needs not to be fought, but the big men on top don’t know what it’s like to be a little guy on the bottom, forced to fight in something they don’t believe in. I love both of you very much, and give my regards to that bitch Calley Peterman down the street. She's been trying to get me to suck her thumb. Goodbye.
[Gary looks at the letter, revealing it’s just a bunch of scribbles. Laugh track]
Gary: [sheds tear] I miss my parents…
[The plane lands and we cut to Gary and the rest of the troops going into battle.]
President Paddington: Alright troops, I’m not gonna lie. This battle won’t be easy but… it’s what we have to do. Even if we go out dying… at least we fought for what’s right. [takes a bite of a marmalade sandwich] This sandwich that Aunt Lucy made me really hits the spot!
Gary: Sir, one question.
President Paddington: Yes, infant child at the far right.
Gary: Why are you named after a bear?
[laugh track]
President Paddington: That is a story for another day. Let’s go out there, and defeat those Russians, if my name isn’t Volodymyr Zelenskyy Paddington. Time for me to play the piano with my penis. LET’S GOOOO!
[Pan out to reveal that the troops are in a Fortnite-esque battle bus. The back doors open and everyone jumps out.]
Soldier: Aw man, and he didn’t even ask where us boys are dropping.
Gary: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I don’t even have any hand-eye motor skills yet.
Sperm Cell: Consider yourself lucky. I haven’t even fertilized the egg yet and my parents drafted me!
[Laugh track. Cut back to the Full Server house. Jess is sitting on the couch crying.]
Pluto: Wh- what’s the matter, honey?
Jess: (wipes tears) I sent my only son away to the war! I don’t know if we’ll ever see him again!
Pluto: Well, if it makes you feel any better this was all your idea.
[laugh track]
Jess: Are we- are we bad parents?
Pluto: We?
[laugh track]
Jess: I think… I think I need to take my mind off this whole thing.
[Pause.]
Jess: …wanna, go on a date somewhere maybe?
Pluto: Like where?
[Cut to Pluto and Jess at Peppa Pig World. Laugh track.]
Pluto: This isn’t what I meant.
Jess: Come on, it’ll be fun! They have a Daddy Pig ride!
Pluto: You mean the guy who accidentally rebuilt our house upside down?
Jess: Yeah, sure. That guy.
[Camera follows Pluto while he walks to the Suzy Sheep Memorial]
Pluto: Hey babe, what if we kissed at the Suzy Sheep Memorial at Peppa Pig World?
Jess: 😳
[Laugh track]
Jess: You know, that is very disrespectful of Suzy Sheep.
Pluto: Sorry Jess, I promise I won’t do it again.
[Laugh track; French Guy walks in confused]
French Guy: D'accord, je suis confus. Où pourrait bien être la balade à dos d'âne ?
Jess: What the- French Guy? Why are you in Bri’ish land?
French Guy: Oh mon Dieu, I only came for the Delphine Donkey ride.
Jess: The what?
Dan (offscreen): DID SOMEONE SAY “CAME” AND “DELPHINE” IN THE SAME SENTENCE?
French Guy: I think he’s talking about Delphine LaLaurie.
[Laugh track]
Dan (offscreen): No, I'm talking about Belle Delphine.
Pluto: Such a classic Dan moment!
[Laugh track and applause, before we cut to a commercial break.]
Peter Griffin: Hey, tell me something. There’s a delicious Subway food montage going on right behind me, isn’t there? Yep, I can smell it. Welp, that’s gonna make it kinda hard to focus but here we go. And ode to the Subway feast - Turkey, salami, cheese with roast beef. Pepperoni and ham, write this down chief. We got 'em all on freshly baked bread. The Subway Feast, it's as big as my head! Beat that, Jared! Heheheheheheh. Subway - eat fresh!
[The commercial break ends and we cut back to our scheduled programming. The audience applauds and cheers as we cut back to Gary in Ukraine.]
Gary: Why did my parents sign me up for this? [shoots gun sadly] I think I'm getting PTSD already.
Russian soldier: Младенец в десять часов!
Gary: Oh no you fucking don't.
[Gary shoots the Russian soldier in the fucking balls]
Russian soldier: BLYAT! Now I'm infertile!
[laugh track]
Russian soldier: Now I'm dying! Ahhhh… [falls and dies]
Gary: Cool, my first murder!
Soldier: Murder, amirite? Only legal in the war zone, baby! And I mean that literally.
Gary: I suddenly feel like going on a Russian killing spree.
[Gary gets shot in his knee; laugh track]
Gary: Ouch. I wanted to be a Russian murderer, but then I took an arrow to the knee.
[Gary collapses and gets shot in the balls; laugh track]
Gary: a
[Very loud laugh track and applause. Cut back to Jess and Pluto at Peppa Pig World, where they are waiting in line for the Daddy Pig ride.]
Pluto: …Jess, this line is longer than Evil Kelpy G’s-
Jess: I DON’T CARE! WE ARE GOING TO RIDE DADDY PIG NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!
[Laugh track. Pause.]
Pluto: …this is a big line just for Daddy Pig.
Jess: Yeah, well he’s a famous man-
[The Daddy Pig ride explodes. Laugh track.]
Jess: NOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL, DADDY PIG!
Pluto: (facepalms and pretends to be sad) Oh no! The ride just magically blew up! What a shame, what a shame! Now we won’t be able to go on the ride! Ugh, I’m sorry wifey.
Jess: We should go somewhere else.
Pluto: Like?
Jess: Like… um.
[Jess looks around. She spots a sign reading “DADDY PIG’S PIZZA”.]
Jess: OH MY GOD HUBBY, LOOK! IT’S DADDY PIG’S PIZZA!
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: oh my god you gotta be kidding me
Jess: WE HAVE TO GO! NOW!
Pluto: …I don’t have a choice here, do I?
[Cut to Purple talking to Woof]
Woof: Purple, she’s 14.
Purple: Well if I was 21 she would be 18!
[The camera pans to PoopFan]
PoopFan: (sighs) It sure is sad to see a fellow racist go down a path of pedophilia.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!
Mr. Renaud: What’s wrong with being a pedophile?
[Laugh track; cut back to Gary injured]
Gary: [in fetal position] God the only way to stop the pain is to get into the same position I was as a fetus. How tables have turned.
[Laugh track.]
Gary: (wipes tears) Welp, guess I better say my last words to my parents.
[Gary takes out his piPhone X Pro Deluxe & Knuckles and phones Jess and Pluto. Cut to them sitting in the Daddy Pid Pizzeria.]
Jess: (answers phone) Hello?
Gary: MY BALLS!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What?
Gary: MY BALLS! THEY’VE GONE!
Pluto: What’s the matter, wifey?
Jess: I think Gary’s having his first orgasm.
Gary: NO! THE RUSSIANS! THEY SHOT MY BALLS! MY BALLS ARE GONE!
[Laugh track because balls are hilarious.]
Pluto: Oof. Do you know if Dan still has Zoltan’s balls from when he was castrated?
Gary: MY BALLS HAVE FUCKING GONE! I’M GONNA DIE!
[Pause.]
Gary: no wait, false alarm i’m still alive. BUT I STILL DON’T HAVE MY BALLS!
Jess: Looks like we won't be getting any grandchildren from Gary. Plus he's basically a woman now, it was only a matter of time I guess.
Pluto: Gary congrats on coming out!
[laugh track]
Gary: I am NOT a girl! I am a MAN!
Pluto: Well yeah why else do you think you were drafted into the war?
[Laugh track]
Gary: You guys are REALLY awfully calm seeing as your son’s balls have just done a Suzy Sheep!
Jess: Eh, I was only worried about you dying. I don’t care if you’re trans or not.
Gary: I AM NOT TRANS!
[Suddenly, another Russian soldier turns to Gary]
Timothy Peppermint: WHO’S TRANS?! (points gun)
[Laugh track]
Gary: Sorry mum, dad, I love you but I gotta go.
Jess: Bye-e!
Pluto: Sorry about your balls!
[Laugh track; Jarvis Zagna enters the place. The audience applauds and cheers.]
Jarvis: Woah, Jess and Pluto from the hit TV show Full Server? Why are you here?
Pluto: Woah, famous Italian rugby player Jarvis Zagna! Why are you here?
Jarvis: I like Peppa Pig.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: Now I asked first, no?
Jess: Oh, sorry. I think we’re on some sort of date.
Pluto: No, we are just spending time together without Gary.
Jarvis: Oh okay.
Jess: It is sure nice to know that you are now considered a recurring character, Jarvis.
Jarvis: It feels great.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Wait, if Jarvis is the father of CartoonGuy, then who is PoopFan?
Jess: I… don’t know…
Jarvis: PoopFan? I’ve never heard of a “PoopFan”.
[Cut back to Gary]
Gary: (sighs) I think there's only one choice I can make. I have to leave Ukraine with PTSD.
Soldier: C’mon Gary baby, and once again I mean that literally, you gotta work through the pain! That’s how a real soldier does it!
Gary: Well maybe I’m not a real soldier. I literally lost my balls earlier.
[Laugh track]
Soldier: Man, I hate when that happens. [puts his hand of Gary’s shoulder] You were a good soldier Gary. Maybe… one day, when the war is over we can meet up together again and be frien-
[A Russian soldier shoots the soldier and he fucking dies. Laugh track.]
Gary: OH MY GOD! SERGIY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Cut to Gary slowly walking off into the sunset, still feeling the pain in his crotch.]
Gary: Ouch… ouch.
[A couple of other soldiers watch Gary walking off, still mourning the guy who just died.]
Soldier: [sheds tear] Maybe I should get my balls shot off too. [taps on another soldier’s shoulder] Hey Kyle-
Kyle: No.
[laugh track. Cut to Gary back on a plane, contemplating his life up to this point.]
Gary: Am I even a real boy anymore if I lost my balls?
Pinocchio: Hey it’s not so bad man. Look at me. People say I’m not a real boy all the time and I get over it.
Gary: Well, are you a real boy?
Pinocchio: [sighs] No.
[laugh track]
Gary: Looks like we both have problems we need to sort out.
Pinocchio: Yeah. Glad I don’t have real skin lmaoooooo.
Gary: Okay no need to rub it in.
Pinocchio: I mean wood lasts for several thousand years, you ever think of that? I have the whole wood- I mean world, to see.
[the plane finally lands and everyone starts getting off.]
Gary: …no I have never thought of that. Fuck now I’m having an existential crisis and I’m not even a month old yet.
[laugh track because suffering is funny. Several hours later, Gary finally arrives back at the Full Server house. He rings the doorbell and is greeted by his parents.]
Gary: (awkwardly shrugs) Hiiiiii mum.
[Pause.]
Jess: [jumping for joy] Gary! You’re back!
[Jess comes up to Gary and hugs him, almost suffocating him]
Gary: My nonexistent balls!
[Laugh track]
Jess: [lets go] Oh right, sorry. So, how did it go?
Gary: What do you think? All I did was kill a few Russians and then I took a bullet to my balls.
[laugh track]
Pluto: Well as long as this doesn’t turn you lesbian, it’s fine with me.
Gary: I’m a boy, dad.
Pluto: Hey, never say never. The lesbianator curse is extremely powerful.
Jess: Well it hasn’t worked on me.
Pluto: ‘‘yet‘‘.
[laugh track]
Jess: Well, we have some good news for you Gary.
Gary: Good news? Finally after all this time.
Jess: We’re having another baby!
Gary: WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU’RE REPLACING ME!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well, not exactly-
Pluto: We just got a little bored while you were gone, that’s all!
[Laugh track]
Gary: I’m not even a month old yet and you’re having another already?
Pluto: Hey, at least you’ll have a new playmate!
Jess: If he’s a boy, we’re gonna call him Gary 2!
Pluto: And if she’s a girl, we’re gonna call her Gaby!
Gary: Wait, that’s just my name but with a B instead of an R.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Yeah, we’re not that good at picking names. Damn, there’s so much to look forward to lately. Oh wait, I’ve just realized! The second Sonic Movie comes out soon!
Pluto: I think you should have her on Sonic Day.
Jess: …
[Laugh track]
Pluto: What?! What did I do?
Jess: You realize I can’t choose when I give birth, right?
Pluto: At this point, choice is an illusion.
[Laugh track]
Jess: As much as I want Gaby to be born on Sonic Day, I don’t think it’s possible. Most of the Full Server people have kids within 5 minutes.
Pluto: Imagine if that was how the real world worked.
Jess: [shudders] I will not imagine.
Gary: Can we just get to the point that MY TESTICLES ARE MISSING??
Pluto: What do you want us to do, patch them up with duct tape or something?
Gary: No, I mean they got obliterated.
Pluto: They just wanted to spawn kill my grandchildren.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Maybe we should call a doctor.
[Mike appears with a toothbrush mustache]
Mike: DID SOMEONE SAY DOCTOR?
Pluto: Sorry Mike, but we want a real doctor.
Mike: die
[Laugh track; Mike walks out of the room]
Pluto: So who are we going to call?
Gary: GHOSTBUSTERS!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Dr. Pig?
Pluto: But I am Dr. Pig.
Jess: What.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: I have a doctor pig costume.
Jess: I see.
Gary: balls
[Laugh track]
Jess: Oh right, well I guess we have to choose the most qualified person.
[Jess calls up Dr. Brown Bear]
Jess: Hi Dr. Brown Bear, our son lost his testicles.
Dr. Brown Bear: what
Jess: Our son lost his testicles.
Dr. Brown Bear: what
Jess: what
[Dr. Brown Bear hangs up]
Jess: Well Gary, it looks like you will remain nutless.
[Mike walks back]
Mike: Wait, before I go, do you want to sign Gary up for camp?
Pluto: What kind of camp?
Mike: Mein Camp.
Jess: Seems like a good idea!
Pluto: That sounds…
Mike: It’s ein Angry Birds NFT Summer Camp.
Jess: Oh, you ruined it.
Mike: God damn it.
[Laugh track; Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman enter]
Zoltan’s Mum: I have an onlyfans.
[Laugh track]
Scatman: Skibidiskapkpaddpkwdapkadwspkfwkaspkfwakpfwpkakpwfapkfwakpfawkpkpawfuh.
[Laugh track]
Dan: That’s what I say when I see Lola Bunny.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well, now that I’m pregnant I will be sleeping.
Pluto: Bye, Jess.
[Purple appears]
Purple: The age of consent is too high.
[Extra loud laugh track because pedophilia is A level comedy]
Woof: Nonce.
Zoltan: At least he wasn’t racist this time, like me.
PoopFan: What’s wrong with racism?
CartoonGuy: PoopFan, you are not being very PC right now.
PoopFan: I am not a computer. Wait, why do you call me PoopFan instead of dad?
CartoonGuy: Because my real father is Jarvis Zagna, and you just adopted me.
PoopFan: wait i was going to tell you that when you turned 16
SpongeFun: Dis is kite internetesting, eye shore am internetested to see how it reeeesolves in da next episoap.
PoopFan: wait wu-
[End credits roll]
=== (Z) Full Server S1E9: PoopFan's Secret [March 25, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, Zoltan40, thatjess} ===
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Applause and cheers. The episode begins with a scene from the last episode]
PoopFan: What’s wrong with racism?
CartoonGuy: PoopFan, you are not being very PC right now.
PoopFan: I am not a computer. Wait, why do you call me PoopFan instead of dad?
CartoonGuy: Because my real father is Jarvis Zagna, and you just adopted me.
PoopFan: wait i was going to tell you that when you turned 16
SpongeFun: Dis is kite internetesting, eye shore am internetested to see how it reeeesolves in da next episoap.
PoopFan: wait wu-
Narrator: Let’s see what happens now… after Zoltan’s Mum touches some balls.
[Cut to Zoltan’s Mum in a pool of orbeez in the Full Server backyard.]
Zoltan’s Mum: These are the slimiest balls I have ever felt in my life!
[Laugh track]
Scatman John: Oh move over, wife! The Scatman wants some orbeez action too!
Zoltan’s Mum: Fuck off hubby! Today’s my one day off from being a prostitute a year.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Besides, we have to be on our best behavior today! Famous Italian rugby player, and CartoonGuy’s biological father, Jarvis Zagna is coming to visit!
[The audience “oohs”. The doorbell rings.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Oh, that must be him now!
[Cut to CartoonGuy rushing towards the door. He opens it and finds Jarvis Zagna standing there in the flesh. The audience cheers and applauds.]
CartoonGuy: Daddy!
Jarvis Zagna: Hello son! I hope you haven’t been having too many showers without me, have you?
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Um… no.
[PoopFan walks towards the door.]
PoopFan: who the fuck is this
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Oh, PoopFan, my adoptive father… this is Jarvis Zagna, my biological father.
Jarvis: I’m a millionaire.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: So you’re PoopFan? I like poop as much as the next guy, but I don’t see how anyone can be a fan of it.
PoopFan: Oh I’m not. I hate poop.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: …Then why are you named PoopFan?
PoopFan: Because I used to like poop but I goed through character development.
Jarvis: Oh okay.
[Laugh track; Jess and Pluto enter.]
Pluto: Hey guys-
Jess: Oh my god! CartoonGuy's father and a famous Italian-Argentine rugby player, Jarvis Zagna! What are you doing here?
Jarvis: Well I just came here to visit Ignacio.
PoopFan: whos ignacio
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: …He’s your son.
PoopFan: o
Jess: What kind of father are you?
PoopFan: Well I’m not his real father. Java Lasagna is.
Jarvis: IT’S JARVIS ZAGNA!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: If Jarvis is CartoonGuy’s real father, and he comes here often, then why are you here?
PoopFan: Um…
CartoonGuy: Yeah, come to think of it, for my adoptive parent you’ve barely done any parenting to me at all!
PoopFan: Well um, I’m a busy man you see.
Jess: Are you some kind of… Spy?
PoopFan: NO! Of course not! That’s crazy! I’m not a spy, you’re a spy! Leave me alone! I’m a normal dude!
Jarvis: Then what’s this zipper on your back?
PoopFan: I…
[Cut to Zoltan’s Mum sitting in a chair next to an empty pool in the backyard.]
Zoltan's Mum: Team mum! As you know, Scatman is the king of 24 hour challenges! He spent 24 hours underwater, 24 hours in a stranger's house, 24 hours in a sandcastle, and even, 24 hours in Coca Cola! I have always wanted to do my own 24 hour challenge, but to be honest guys, I've been too scared! But today, I decided to... challenge myself! I wanna prove myself to Scatman, and I wanna prove myself to the whole family! I can do this! I'm gonna attempt my very first 24 hour challenge! And I am so confident I can do this, I'm even gonna let Scatman decide where I'm gonna spend the next 24 hours!
Scatman: Well Zoltan's Mum, I'm glad to see that you're finally challenging yourself. However Zoltan's Mum, there is one 24-hour challenge that even I have been scared to attempt. And since you're so confident that is the challenge that I'm gonna set you! And the challenge is... 24 hours in the freezing cold pool!
Zoltan's Mum: No Scatman, I can't do that! I'll freeze! John, the weather today is 15 degrees!
[Scatman finishes filling the pool with water.]
Scatman: And the pool has only just finished with the ICE COLD water!
Zoltan's Mum: Oh, John, it's freezing! Can't I just do 24 hours in a box or something?
Scatman: And Carol, if you somehow manage to complete the 24 hour challenge, I will give you 10 thousand pounds! But, I think everyone knows that is NOT gonna happen.
Zoltan's Mum: Team mum! This is gonna be the hardest challenge I have ever attempted! I need all of you guys to support me through this challenge! With all your support (and the 10 thousand pounds), maybe I can complete the challenge! But first, I need to put on my wetsuit!
[Cut to Zoltan’s Mum walking back out in a wetsuit.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Check it out guys! I’ve got my wetsuit on and I’m ready to complete the challenge! But first, I’d like to thank today’s sponsor - HelloFresh! HelloFresh is a flexible subscription service where you can order GREAT food straight to your door! Customers can choose from a new selection of mouth watering meals each week, so you’ll always have something new to cook with! Use the code “ZOLTANMUMISHOTWAIFU” to get a 50% discount on your first order from HelloFresh! Once again, I’d like to thank HelloFresh for sponsoring today’s video. Let's do this, Team mum!
[Zoltan's Mum jumps into the pool and water splashes everywhere]
Scatman: Carol! Why did you do that?
Zoltan's Mum: John, I have no idea.
[Cut back to PoopFan, Jarvis Zagna, CartoonGuy, Pluto, and Jess.]
PoopFan: I… That zipper is just a…
CartoonGuy: Let’s see who PoopFan REALLY is!
[CartoonGuy pulls down the zipper, and PoopFan’s true identity is revealed]
Everyone: JOE BIDEN?!
Joe Biden: And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
[Laugh track]
Scatman: 46th American president Joe Biden? What are you doing here?
Joe Biden: Frankly I was only here to sniff some baby hairs.
Pluto: Story checks out.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Wait, so you’ve been spying on us this ENTIRE time?
Biden: Uh, yeah. Kind of. I’m not exactly sure how long for, though. I sometimes forget that I’m the president. Who are you again?
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: I just… Can’t believe it… I thought you were just a silly old man… A silly… poop fan.
Biden: There is no PoopFan. There never was a PoopFan… it’s been Joseph Biden the entire time!
[A montage consisting of clips from old episodes with PoopFan in them starts playing with sad music. In the first one, PoopFan and CartoonGuy talking to each other]
CartoonGuy: And they killed him.
PoopFan: Wait, what happened to the kids?
CartoonGuy: They got better parents. I now only have 5.
PoopFan: That’s still a lot. Well I’m gonna be fucking your mom.
[Laugh track.]
[In the second one, PoopFan and SpongeFun slowly walk in.]
PoopFan: We just had hot sex.
SpongeFun: Where’s Bot?
Zoltan: Dead.
SpongeFun: WHAT?!
Jess: Yeah, she had too many fags.
[Note to FANDOM: that means cigarettes please don’t kill us]
SpongeFun: To remember Paige, we have created these brand new NFTs featuring her!
Dead Squidward: NFTs?!
Mike: I love those!
[Laugh track; In the third one, PoopFan just appears.]
PoopFan: Good morning, my fans! My name is PoopFan, but I don’t like poop!
Peter Griffin: But I do! I love scat!
Scatman John: Did someone say-
[In the last one, Woof and Purple are talking to each other.]
Woof: Purple, she’s 14.
Purple: Well if I was 21 she would be 18!
[The camera pans to PoopFan]
PoopFan: (sighs) It sure is sad to see a fellow racist go down a path of pedophilia.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!
Mr. Renaud: What’s wrong with being a pedophile?
[Laugh track; End of montage.]
Biden: Yup, it has all been a lie.
[Luis enters.]
Luis: OH MY GOD JOE BIDEN-
[Cut to Gary sitting alone on Jess’ and Pluto’s bed crying.]
Gary: I- I miss my balls.
[Laugh track. Jess slowly opens the door]
Jess: Hey buddy boy, you okay in there?
Gary: No! I miss my balls!
Pluto: Still held up on the balls thing, huh, sonny? Well, back in my day-
Gary: Well back in your day you still had your balls!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Okay that is a fair point. But we live in the 21st century, surely there's a way to get your balls back onto your body.
Jess: There's still not a way to cure dementia.
Joe Biden: Who are you guys?
[Laugh track]
Gary: Get out of here Joe Biden, I'm having a moment.
Joe Biden: I have no idea who you people are.
[Laugh track]
Jess: You’re Joe Biden, 46th president of the United States who’s been spying on us under the alias of “PoopFan” this entire show so far. Now get out.
Joe Biden: But… I want to sniff your hair. It's my royal duty! Well, not royal… but still a duty.
Gary: I’M A NEWLY BORN BABY I HAVE NO HAIR!
[laugh track]
Joe Biden: Damn it! Foiled again! [leaves]
Pluto: Wait Gary, do you still have your old balls?
Gary: [grabs his balls from his pocket idfk just go along with it] Here.
[laugh track]
Pluto: Okay… I have no idea if this'll work but it's worth a shot.
Jess: What in the world are you going to do with Gary’s balls?
Pluto: You know how if you plant a seed into the ground it will grow into a tree?
[Pause]
Jess: I don't like where you're going with this.
Pluto: Then if we planted Gary’s balls into the ground, it'll grow into a testicle tree!
[Hard laugh track because balls]
Jess: Hubby, no offense, but that is the stupidest thing I've heard since someone said that NFTs are the future.
Joe Biden: What's an ADHD?
[Laugh track]
Gary: I thought you were told to get out.
Joe Biden: Pardon me, I have really bad dementia. I also have really bad dementia.
[Laugh track]
Gary: You might have to file a restraining order mom, I don't like this man.
Pluto: Relax, Jess, it'll be fine. If they don't grow into a beautiful ball tree- wait what the fuck am I saying- they'll just be more fertile than before!
Jess: That's not how testicles work!
Pluto: Oh please, you've never even had them before. Just let me plant them outside. What's the harm?
Jess: Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
[Cut to the house’s backyard, where Pluto is watering Gary’s two testicles into a hole]
Gary: I pray to Allah that this works.
Jess: How do you even know who Allah is?
Gary: Woof taught me all about him. He's a funny guy.
Daddy Pig: I hope you'll still eat your eggs and bacon, Gary. A growing lad likes you needs his meat to be fit and strong! Like me.
Gary: Why wouldn't I eat my meat?
Jess: …never mind then.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: [patting down the soil] And there we go. Now we just wait… however long it takes.
Jess: What do we do in the meantime?
Pluto: I don’t know. We could watch an ad.
Jess: Why?
Pluto: Because-
[Ad begins.]
Zoltan: Hey guys! You should watch Zig-Zag! I mean, it has great shows, like: Bunny & Friends, The Bunny Show, SpongeBob but Better, The Trusty Slab, SpongeBob's Radical Adventures, CrazySponge's Cat: The Show, Garfield Meets SpongeBob, Gen z spongebob, Annoying Orange: The TV Show!, Fred: The Show, SpongeBob SquarePants (fanon series), Home Alone Gary, Patrick's Playground, Keeping Up With The Augers, and Among Us but like with SpongeBob characters! Also check out Zag-Zig, where you can watch: I hate my child., CrazySponge Died: The Series, Sexist SpongeBob, Squid Game but like with SpongeBob characters, NKC, I Say Racial Slurs All the Time LMAO, The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show, Family Guy, SpongeBob's Wonderful Life With Joe Biden, SpongeBob's Wonderful Life With Boris Johnson, Squidward's Miserable Life, Filthy Frank, and this show itself!
[Ad ends; Cut to Zoltan’s Mum still in the pool of freezing cold water.]
Zoltan's Mum: How long has it been so far?
Scatman: [checks his watch] Four hours.
Zoltan's Mum: oh my god why
[Laugh track]
Jess: Hey guys what's up? We're just here to watch Zoltan’s Mum suffer.
Zoltan’s Mum: I'm not suffering! And you won't have to suffer too with today’s sponsor-
Scatman: We already did today’s sponsor!
Zoltan's Mum: Oh yeah I forgot. By the way, has anyone seen that funny Garfield subreddit?
[Pause.]
Zoltan’s Mum: (shivering) Ugh. It is freezing in here! Scatman John, I can’t feel my toes! Are they still there?
Tan: DID SOMEONE SAY TOES?!
Scatman: Fuck off.
Tan: Aw. [leaves]
Zoltan’s Mum: Can’t I do a different 24 hour challenge, Scatman? Like… like hiding in a box or something?
Scatman John: Well, Zoltan’s Mum, at least you gave it a really good try. You lasted almost five hours! But unfortunately, there is only one 24 hour challenge king. [points to himself, sighs] Come on then Carol, out you get.
[Zoltan’s Mum starts slowly edging towards the ladder to climb out of the pool, still shivering. She makes it towards the ladder, and almost starts climbing up, but backs out.]
Zoltan’s Mum: NO!!!! NOOOOO!!!! I’M NOT GONNA GIVE UP YET! IF FISH CAN LIVE UNDERWATER, THEN SO CAN I!
[Cut to Zoltan’s Mum lying in a hospital bed. Laugh track. Zoltan’s Mum wakes up.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Ugh… what happened?
Dr. Brown Bear: You drowned.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: But… but… I don’t understand! Fish can live underwater!
Scatman John: I’m sorry sweetie, I knew this 24 challenge was a bad idea.
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, fiddlesticks!
[Laugh track; cut to Biden and the Full Server gang]
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
SpongeBot: I thought we were British.
Joe Biden: Ew, a Brit. Get out of here, man.
Luis: HOW DID JOE BIDEN GET IN HERE?
Jess: Long story.
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
SpongeBot: You already said that.
Joe Biden: Oh, sorry. My Alzheimer’s is really getting me.
Jess: I thought you said you had dementia.
[laugh track]
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
Luis: This is… is… is this a dream?
Joe Biden: Sir, I think you are dreaming right now.
Luis: Oh my! This is a lucid dream! It’s so cool! I wonder if I can fly…
[Luis jumps out of the window and is never seen again.]
Joe Biden: Oh dear.
[Very loud laugh track because suicide is a level comedy]
Jess: Oh my God! They killed Luis!
SpongeBot: Them b*stards!
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
Zoltan: poop
Joe Biden: Yes.
Jess: Sh- should we do something about Luis? Zoltan, you call Dr. Brown Bear and let him know we’re in the way, Pluto, you start the car, SpongeBot-
SpongeBot: Alright, I don’t have time for this. I have to go back to watching Game Boy Advance Video shitposts by Ally. I really wonder what reallynotgaysex.gba is.
[Laugh track]
Ally: (offscreen) CHICKEN ASS, THAT’S WHAT!
SpongeBot: Of course.
Zoltan: Luis will be fine. He’s Luis. He’s basically Jesus.
[laugh track]
Liz: Don’t you mean… JeSUS?
Zoltan: …kill yourself.
[laugh track because suicide is still a level comedy]
SpongeFun: donut tawk leik dat! Bee nonce!
Purple: Nonce? I love being a nonce!
Jess: Ah! Classic Purple moment!
[Laugh track]
SpongeFun: nayc. I ment to cay nuys.
Purple: Aw… Well I’m going back to scream racial slurs at minorities again.
Jess: Joel, Luis might have just died.
Purple: Who’s Luis?
[Laugh track]
Jess: He’s your dad…
Purple: Slurs are more important.
[Purple leaves]
SpongeFun: weight, hoo duyd?
Joe Biden: Wife, you can stop the disguise.
SpongeFun: O okey!
[SpongeFun turns into Jill Biden]
Jill Biden: This place is fucked.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: JILL BIDEN?!
Jill Biden: And I would have gotten away with it too if- we already did this joke, didn’t we?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Wait, if PoopFan was Biden, SpongeFun was his wife, then who’s Kamala Harris?
Liz: Who’s Kamala Harris?
[Pluto grabs his phone and looks up Kamala Harris]
Pluto: Her.
Liz: She just looks like Biden but female.
[Laugh track; Cactus appears]
Cactus: Liz, Kamala Harris is black.
Liz: Sometimes I can’t tell.
Cactus: Ameer moment.
Joe Biden: Wait, who is “Ameer”?
Liz: Take Ameer look at deez nuts.
Joe Biden: I don’t get it.
Daddy Pig: Ameer looks like a queer.
Pluto: He’s a very special man.
Liz: Are you implying he’s autistic?
Pluto: No, he’s a rapist.
Liz: Just like JewWario!
Zoltan: NO! JEWWARIO DID NOTHING WRONG!
[Laugh track]
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
Liz: You’re a lost cause, Joe.
Joe Biden: Who’s Joe?
[Laugh track]
Liz: Biden, how many fingers am I holding up? [whispers] Hint - it's three!
Joe Biden: I cannot see your fingers, FireLiz.
Elli: Finger me.
Joe Biden: N-
[Sudden cut to Gary anxiously pacing around in the backyard]
Gary: I hope this works…
[He hears the back door open and close, and Pluto comes out]
Pluto: Let’s check on those balls, shall we?
[Laugh track]
Gary: Where even are they?
Pluto: Next to the eggplants, sonny.
Gary: Why are we planting eggs?
Pluto: Jess said it’s because she thinks it’d be funny.
Jess: [off-screen] It is funny!
[Laugh track]
Gary: So where are my balls?
Pluto: Under the ground probably.
Gary: I mean it, dad.
Pluto: Alright fine, they’re right over there- what the fuck?
[The camera pans over to where the balls were planted, to see a giant testicle tree]
Pluto: IT GREW!
[Massive laugh track because penises are hilarious]
Jess: wait wut
Gary: MY BALLS! THEY’RE BACK!
[Gary grabs a pair of testicles from the tree]
Gary: Okay, we just need to call Dr. Brown Bear to put them back!
Pluto: wtf is this episode
Jess: Calling Dr. Brown Bear right now. [she dials 9-9-9]
Dispatcher: 9-9-9 what’s your emergency?
Jess: Yeah, hi. Could-
Dispatcher: Oh, sorry, my shift literally just ended. I’ll have to call you back, bye-eeeee!
[The dispatcher hangs up. Laugh track]
Jess: Huh. I’ll just phone Dr. Brown Bear directly then. [dials the number]
[A few moments later, a rocket ship is heard landing near the Full Server house. Out pops Dr. Brown Bear, and he heads inside the house]
Jess: Back here, Doctor!
Dr. Brown Bear: Good heavens, why are you in the backyard?
Jess: Well, um… you see…
Pluto: You see Doctor, we put Gary’s balls in the ground and they grew into a testicle tree.
Dr. Brown Bear: I see.
[Pause.]
Pluto: …wait you’re just gonna go along with that?
Dr. Brown Bear: Mr. Shapiro, I am a doctor. I’ve seen it all.
[laugh track]
Pluto: Oh, okay. So we were just wondering if you could put Gary’s balls back onto his body.
Dr. Brown Bear: [flips through a medical book] A-ha! “Ball restoration”. Huh, wonder why I’ve never seen this page.
[On the bottom of the page, it says “WARNING: VERY EXPERIMENTAL”]
Dr. Brown Bear: Oh that’s why. Since this is an experimental procedure, I have to get everyone’s consent.
Jess: I consent.
Pluto: …I consent.
Gary: I consent.
Scott the Woz: I don’t!
[Laugh track]
Jess: I knew we forgot someone.
[A montage of Dr. Brown Bear fixing Gary plays]
Dr. Brown Bear: Okay… I think he has his balls back again!
Gary: YAY!!!
[Gary dances.]
Gary: Op Op Oppa Gagnam Style!
Gummibär: Oppa Gummy Style!
Gary: Get out of here, bitch! [punches Gummibär out of existence]
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Aw man I liked the guy.
Jess: So much for the Dreamworks movie dance ending.
Pluto: …so, what now?
Jess: We should check in on Biden again.
Pluto: Who knows, maybe he’s dead!
Jess: You sound awfully excited for the president to be dead.
Pluto: Not as excited as the queen’s death.
Jess: I agree with you there.
[Suddenly, Jess feels a kick in her stomach]
Jess: Oh yeah that reminds me, Gaby should be ready to come out any day now.
Pluto: I’m proud of her for coming out so soon.
[Laugh track.]
Gary: Great, now I won’t be the golden child anymore.
Jess: Gary baby, you know we won’t treat Gaby any different from how we treat you. Now where’s the pink fireworks?
[Laugh track; cut to the inside of the Full Server house. Jarvis Zagna opens the door and walks in.]
Jarvis: Hey guys! Who wants pizza?
Biden: White power death to muslims.
Jarvis: …What?
[Laugh track]
Biden: You heard me.
[CartoonGuy walks in]
CartoonGuy: That was a great shower!
Jarvis: Son… Did you… Did you shower without me?
CartoonGuy: Oh, dad, I… I didn’t know you were here…
Jarvis: That’s it. No extra pasta after dinner tonight.
CartoonGuy: NOOOOOO!
SpongeBot: Wait, so is Jarvis Zagna just gonna live here now?
Jarvis: Yeah, my wife cheated on me.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: What? With who?
Jarvis: This guy called Dan.
SpongeBot: Dan Sullivan?
Jarvis: Yeah! Exactly! I hate that guy!
[Dan walks in]
Dan: Hey guys, I just had sex with an italian woman.
Jarvis: WHAT?! THIS GUY FUCKED MY WIFE!
SpongeBot: Dan, how could you do such a thing?
Dan: Listen, I was horny.
CartoonGuy: You’re ALWAYS horny. Just like how showering with your dad is always okay.
Jarvis: That’s it! I’m leaving! I’m not going to be in the same house as the guy who fucked my wife!
CartoonGuy: NO! DAD! Don’t leave! I love you!
Joe Biden: Guys! The solution is easy! Throw out Dan! Then Jarvis will stay!
Dan: WHAT?! Guys, you are not going to do that, right?
SpongeBot: Of course not! Wait, I know how to fix this! Dan, say sorry to Jarvis!
Dan: *sighs* I’m sorry.
Jarvis: Apology accepted.
CartoonGuy: Yay! We can all live happily ever after now!
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
CartoonGuy: Oh right he’s still here.
[Jess, Pluto and Gary enter.]
Jess: Hey Biden.
Joe Biden: Hello, my fellow Americans!
Gary: Are we seriously gonna let this guy be here? He wants to sniff me!
Pluto: Well he’s family so we really have no choice.
Joe Biden: No I’m not.
Jess: Wait, I have an idea.
Pluto: What is that?
Jess: Biden, you have a huge fan of yours named Golfpecks who lives in Alaska. He would love to see you!
Joe Biden: Oh really? I’ll have to meet him!
CartoonGuy: Bye, Biden!
Joe Biden: Bye, guys!
Dyno: Hi! ’guys' is a gendered pronoun. We recommend alternatives like 'folks', 'all', 'everyone', 'y'all', 'team', 'crew' etc. We appreciate your help in building an inclusive workplace at Squidward’s Lesbian Toilet.
Joe Biden: Fucking liberals.
[Suddenly, Purple bursts through the wall.]
Purple: You heard it here first folks - pedophilia is okay if they’re family!
[Laugh track, applause and cheers as the screen fades to black, and then the credits roll. There is a shot of Luis dead under the window for a few seconds but then the episode really ends]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E3: PenisMan vs. Super Potato [March 28, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[The episode opens with a shot of downtown Bikini Bottom at night. The camera zooms down to the Bikini Bottom park, where there is a large patronising sign reading “Please do not step on the grass - thank you :)”. Man-Ray runs along and starts doing just that.]
Man-Ray: (evil laugh) Ooh! Look at me! I’m stepping on the grass! Mwahahahahaha!
Miss Rabbit: (gasp) You monster!
Plankton: And I thought I was despicable for stealing NFTs!
Miss Rabbit: Someone do something!
Mrs. Puff: We need a superhero!
Miss Rabbit: No… we need a man… a PenisMan! SOUND THE PENIS SIGNAL!
[A light emits a large phallic image over the moon. The camera pans down to the house of teenage Penis Parker. Static bolts appear over his head.]
Parker: (gasp) My penis senses are tingling!
[Someone knocks on Parker’s bedroom door.]
Parker’s Mom: (off-screen) Parker! Dinner is ready!
Parker: Um… just coming! I just need to, um… finish some homework first.
Parker’s Mom: Okay! Just don’t be too long! It’s getting cold.
Parker: Okay, mom! Love you mom!
[Parker opens the window and jumps out of it.]
Parker’s Mom: Parker? What was that noise?
[Pause.]
Parker’s Mom: Parker?
[Cut to Parker, now PenisMan, flying through the sky and on his way to stop Man-Ray.]
PenisMan: Are you worried ‘bout impending boobs?
Those evil villains got you filled with gloom?
Well don’t you fear ‘cause there’s a hero in the sky, the sky, the sky, the sky!!!
He’s not a bird and he’s not a plane
And he’s not a chicken stripper
He’s the waistband warrior, hear his might battle cry
I SMELL AN ORGASM-
[PenisMan arrives at the scene of the crime, but finds Man-Ray already being carried off by the police.]
Man-Ray: Ugh! I’ll get you for this, Super Potato! You fucking wanker-
[Man-Ray gets locked up in the police car, and is driven off. The crowd starts cheering.]
PenisMan: Su- Super Potato?
[Mr. Potato flies down in a superhero costume.]
Super Potato: Please, please, you are too kind. Vous êtes trop gentil!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Super Potato is Mr. Potato’s superhero alter-ego.
Mrs. Puff: You are such a hero, Super Potato!
Super Potato: Well… I try my best.
Miss Rabbit: I WANT YOUR BABIES!
[PenisMan walks up to Super Potato.]
PenisMan: So… Super Potato, huh?
Super Potato: What’s it to you?
PenisMan: I- I’m PenisMan! Tha- that was the penis signal! I- I was supposed to save the day!
Super Potato: Pfffft, yeah right. I guess this town ain’t big enough for the two of us.
PenisMan: …what the fuck, man? You- you can’t just swoop in and do my job for me!
Super Potato: Eh… better luck next time I guess.
Miss Rabbit: WE LOVE YOU SUPER POTATO!
Super Potato: I know, I know.  Now, now. I must go. Duty calls and all that.
PenisMan: Ugh.
Super Potato: Oh, and just a tip, PenisMan, is it? (points to the large penis on his head) Put that thing away, will ya? There are children out here.
[Super Potato flies off.]
PenisMan: God I just met that guy and I already hate him.
[Cut to an exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. PenisMan is having lunch with SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep.]
PenisMan: -and then he just swoops right in and does my job for me!
Daddy Pig: Well, if you ask me, this “Super Potato” fella sounds like a right ol’ plonker.
SpongeBob: What’s a plonker?
Peppa Pig Narrator: “Plonker” is British slang for a foolish or inept person.
SpongeBob: Oh. Thanks, Peppa Pig Narrator.
Peppa Pig Narrator: The Peppa Pig Narrator tells SpongeBob that he is welcome.
Mummy Sheep: This Super Potato person sounds familiar. He can’t be that Mr. Potato, can it? He helped me find out who shot Suzy Sheep.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Suzy Sheep is dead.
PenisMan: I don’t know… but whoever this Super Potato guy is, I fucking hate him.
[Suddenly, static bolts start appearing around PenisMan’s head again.]
PenisMan: (gasp) My penis senses are tingling!
[PenisMan quickly gulps down his Krabby Patty.]
PenisMan: Heh, um… duty calls!
[PenisMan flies off.]
Daddy Pig: …so… you wanna head down to Makeout Reef later, Mummy Sheep?
Narrator: Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are dating.
Mummy Sheep: Maybe tomorrow, I gotta go shoot an OnlyFans video later.
SpongeBob: Ew.
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom CeX. Scott the Woz, Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs are inside, all wearing ski masks.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here! And I’m committing an armed robbery! (points gun at the CeX employee) PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
Rex Mohs: What exactly are we stealing from this CeX again?
Scott the Woz: All the copies of Madden 09.
Rex Mohs: …but why? They’re… worthless.
Scott the Woz: MADDEN 09 A BAD GAME, OKAY?!
Jeb Jab: Aw, this guy told me we were stealing Gex!
CeX Employee: Look, I’m sorry people but I just looked it up and it doesn’t look like we have any copies of Madden 09 in stock.
Scott the Woz: (still holding a gun up) I DON’T CARE! CHECK AGAIN!
CeX Employee: We have loads of copies of The Sims 4 on Xbox One though!
Rex Mohs: Give me that.
[Rex Mohs grabs the copy of The Sims 4 from the employee, checks the back and sees that the objectionable content includes “sex”.]
Rex Mohs: NO!
[Rex Mohs grabs a hammer and smashes up the game case. Pause.]
Rex Mohs: …I think I may have broke it.
[Suddenly, PenisMan flies in.]
PenisMan: I SMELL AN ORGASM!
Jeb Jab: Drats! Not PenisMa-
[Even more suddenly, Super Potato crashes in through the window.]
PenisMan: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Super Potato: FEAR NOT CITIZENS! YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD SUPER POTATO IS HERE!
[Super Potato flies around the CeX, and picks up Scott the Woz, Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs.]
CeX Employee: Thank you, Super Potato!
Super Potato: No need to thank me! I’m just doing my duty.
[Super Potato flies off with the criminals. The CeX employee turns to the broken window.]
CeX Employee: …you could have used the door, though.
[Pause.]
CeX Employee: (sighs) My manager’s gonna kill me (turns to PenisMan) Do you know if the local Hot Topic is hiring?
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep run in.]
SpongeBob: Wh- what the heck happened?
CeX Employee: Just a little accident, that’s all. Please go before my manager comes back.
PenisMan: Super Potato’s parents had “just a little accident” all those years ago! I’m gonna fucking kill that guy when I next see hi-
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! Usually I’m the one smashing up windows!
SpongeBob: You could say you’re a bit of an expert at it.
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Shut up.
PenisMan: This is the second time that fucking potato nonce has swooped in and stolen my spotlight!
Mummy Sheep: You know, I’m no superhero, I mean I’m just an old tart with an OnlyFans account! But surely being a superhero isn’t all about being in the spotlight, it’s about saving people and doing good! Right?
[Pause. SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and PenisMan all start laughing at Mummy Sheep.]
Daddy Pig: Oh, Mummy Sheep! You do make me laugh sometimes!
Mummy Sheep: What? What’s so funny? What did I say?
SpongeBob: And I thought I was the naive one! (laughs)
PenisMan: Ms. Sheep, will all due respect having a massive ego is EXACTLY what being a superhero is all about! I mean-
[Static bolts start appearing around PenisMan’s head again.]
PenisMan: (sigh) Here we go again…
SpongeBob: What’s happening?
PenisMan: My penis senses are tingling! PenisMan out!
[PenisMan flies off out the broken window. Pause.]
SpongeBob: W- We- We- We should probably chase after him again before he does something stupid, right?
Daddy Pig: I mean I really need to get back to work and finish building that house I’ve been working on!
[Cutaway to Mr. Bull and his construction team sitting around drinking tea on the construction site of a house.]
Homeless Person: Um, excuse me? How much longer do you think you’ll be?
Mr. Bull: (sigh) I’m sorry, Norton. But we can’t resume work until Daddy Pig gets back!
Norton: (sigh) It’s okay… really, it’s fine. I guess I don’t really need a house that much. I’ll just sleep down at the subway again…
[Cut back.]
Daddy Pig: Pffft, what the hell. Let’s go!
[The three hop into Mummy Sheep’s car and drive off. Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh. Seems like a slow work day. Welp, nothing watching a good ol’ movie can’t fix!
[Mr. Krabs puts on a pirate hat and logs onto “WatchFreeMoviesOnline2022NoVirus100PercentWorks.com”.]
Mr. Krabs: Doo-doo-doo-doo-do-
[PenisMan bursts through the wall.]
PenisMan: I SMELL AN ORGASM!
Mr. Krabs: (gasp) PenisMan! I- I um… (throws his laptop at the window) Fancy seeing you here! Heh.
[Super Potato bursts through the wall.]
Super Potato: HAVE NO FEAR, SUPER POTATO IS-
PenisMan: Oh fuck off!
Super Potato: What’s your problem, monsieur? I’m just trying to do my civic duty!
PenisMan: But I got here first, you wanker!
[While the two argue, Mr. Krabs sneaks out the window.]
Super Potato: (gasp) Did you just call le world famous Mr. Detective Super Potato a “wanker”?!
Peppa Pig Narrator: PenisMan just called Super Potato a wanker.
PenisMan: Get lost!
Super Potato: Casse-toi!
PenisMan: No you casse-toi!
Super Potato: Fuck off, you tête de nœud!
PenisMan: I don’t know one word of French but I’m gonna assume you’re not saying very nice things about me!
Super Potato: I’M NOT!
PenisMan: (clenches fists) Right, I’ve had enough of your bullshit.
Super Potato: Oh yeah?! Well so have-
[PenisMan punches Super Potato into the wall, and he falls through into the kitchen.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like PenisMan and Super Potato are fighting.
[The camera pans over to Super Potato lying down in the rubble.]
PenisMan: Oh my Neptune! (rushes over) Look dude, I’m so sorry. I was just jealous and I-
Super Potato: (coughs) What… the… hell… was that for?!
PenisMan: I don’t know! I just-
[Super Potato flies over to PenisMan and punches him into a wall too. Cut to an exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. Mummy Sheep, Daddy Pig and SpongeBob pull up.]
SpongeBob: Phew. I think we got here just in time before he did anything stu-
[The Krusty Krab fucking explodes.]
SpongeBob: …pid.
[Bubble transition to PenisMan and Super Potato rebuilding The Krusty Krab.]
PenisMan: Look, dude… I am really sorry. I was just… petty and jealous about you stealing the spotlight for me.
Super Potato: (sigh) No, no… it’s all my fault. I was the one stealing your spotlight in the first place. It’s just… le detective business hasn’t been doing that great ever since you showed up, so I thought I could maybe… be a superhero too?
[Pause.]
PenisMan: It’s okay. Maybe we could… work together maybe from now on? If you want to, of cou-
Super Potato: …I would like that very much.
Peppa Pig Narrator: PenisMan and Super Potato are friends again.
[Everyone cheers.]
Daddy Pig: Well I’m glad that’s sorted.
[A shadowy figure starts approaching the group.]
???: ‘Scuse me fellas, but you wouldn’t happen to be PenisMan and Super Potato, would ya?
Super Potato: I DIDN’T HARASS THAT WOMAN! I SWEAR!
???: (chuckles) Calm down mate, calm down. I’m not here for anything like that.
PenisMan: Then what are you here for? …who are you?
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: The name’s Brown… Hash Brown. I’m here to talk to you about the Muddle Puddle Initiative.
[Fade to black]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E4: OVNJDGYFSIJ [March 31, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
[Lobster Productions logo; the episode starts with Orbán sitting in the Parlament drinking choccy milk.]
Orbán: Yum. This choccy milk is quite delicious.
[SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Hey Viktor, what are you doing?
Orbán: you don’t work here why are you always here
SpongeBob: I don’t know.
Orbán: That’s great, anyway, I was just drinking some choccy milk!
SpongeBob: Yum, I like choccy milk! It was Gary’s favorite. Whenever I would get him some, he would say “Oh blimey! Choccy milk is dog’s bollocks! I am chuffed to drink it. I’m quite gobsmacked! You are a bloody ace-toff-chap-lad! I would absobloodylutely love to have more!”. I have no idea what it means, but I assume it’s good.
Orbán: Okay. I have to fill out some important documents, because the elections are coming soon!
SpongeBob: When exactly?
Orbán: On April 3rd!
SpongeBob: Oh my, it’s so soon!
Orbán: I know, right? And it’s either me, Márki-Zay Péter, or Gyurcsány!
[Gyurcsány appears.]
Gyurcsány: DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME?!
Orbán: Oh my God, fuck off!
Gyurcsány: Viktor, I know we aren’t friends, but I have to tell you something.
Orbán: I’m not gay.
SpongeBob: Aw.
Gyurcsány: What? I just wanted to tell you that… There’s a new opponent.
Orbán: WHAT?! WHO?!
Gyurcsány: His name is… Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc.
Orbán: That’s just a combination of our names.
Gyurcsány: No, that’s his name.
Orbán: Gyurcsány, it’s not april fools yet.
Gyurcsány: I swear he’s real!
Orbán: Oh come on, I’m not stupid.
Gyurcsány: Uh, look at this video!
[Gyurcsány grabs his phone and starts playing a YouTube video by Péter Dancsó. It begins with a Russian meme stolen from TikTok without credit.]
Dancsó: That was a very funny video, wasn’t it te$a?
[Awkward pause.]
Dancsó: I’m sure that you find it very epic, so now here’s another meme.
[Another meme stolen from TikTok without credit plays.]
Dancsó: That meme was also funny, right? Now here’s a song I found that I like:
[Chocolate Rain starts playing.]
Chocolate Rain Some stay dry and others feel the pain
Chocolate Rain A baby born will die before the sin
Chocolate Rain The school books say it can't be here again
Chocolate Rain The prisons make you wonder where it went
Chocolate Rain Build a tent and say the world is dry
Chocolate Rain Zoom the camera out and see the lie
Chocolate Rain Forecast to be falling yesterday
Chocolate Rain Only in the past is what they say
Chocolate Rain Raised your neighborhood insurance rates
Chocolate Rain Makes us happy 'livin in a gate
Chocolate Rain Made me cross the street the other day
Chocolate Rain Made you turn your head the other way
Chocolate Rain History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain Using you to fall back down again
[Chocolate Rain stops playing.]
Dancsó: That was so funny, wasn’t it? I totally didn’t steal it! Anyway, A new politician just started politicizing, isn’t that just crazy? I’m going to play a meme for no reason.
[Yet another stolen meme from TikTok with no credit plays.]
Dancsó: That meme was funny too! Anyway, his name is Dr. Gyurcsány Viktor Ferenc. He’s also a YouTuber, so that’s epic! I’m a YouTuber too! You shouldn’t subscribe to him, because you should only be subscribed to me. But now, I’m gonna go, bye, guys!
[The video ends.]
Orbán: What.
Gyurcsány: He’s a new politician!
Orbán: That didn’t explain anything. He just played like five memes and Chocolate Rain.
Gyurcsány: Well yeah, but… Look, there’s another video!
[Another video by Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc himself starts playing.]
Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc: Ah, Hungary. The Carpathian Basin’s little miracle. It has a wonderful animal life, and the sea of ponds, the Balaton. The cities are beautiful, everything’s beautiful! Everything is here for an amazing country… but if we dive in deeper, we get a weird feeling. Something’s not right. The people are unhappy, the payment is not good, but the politicians say it’s good… Some say the new democracy is the Hungarian dictatorship. There are two sides: left and right. These two groups hate each other. There’s no inbetween, and the ones who say otherwise become rejected by society and become outcasts. The people who don’t want to be anywhere get called idiots. “Why would they want change? These two sides are perfect.” Say the politicians on FaceBook. This has to come to an end. Stop Hungarian politics. It’s time for change. My name is Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc. I’m the mayor of Iszapszentgilisztás. That town doesn’t exist, but if you help me, it can. If you vote for me. With my party: The OVNJDGYFSIJ. It stands for: Orbán Viktor Nem Jó, De Gyurcsány Ferenc Sem Igazán Jó. (Viktor Orbán isn’t good, but Ferenc Gyurcsány isn’t that good either.) We won’t lie, we will spend the money on good things, like me! See? We tell the truth! And the money that won’t get spent on me, will be given to you all! Do you want something? You can have it. If you pay for it. We don’t care about the other politicians. We don’t tell them to resign, we tell them to recite! Say it with me! Recite! Recite! Recite! And if they ask “Recite what?”, tell them “Chicken ass, that’s what!”. So, I think it’s obvious who you should vote for. Us, OVNJDGYFSIJ!
[The video ends.]
SpongeBob: Um, Gyurcsány, I think this is a joke video.
Orbán: Yeah, it is.
Gyurcsány: IT’S NOT A JOKE VIDEO IT IS VERY REAL!
Orbán: I think you are [BLEEP].
SpongeBob: Woah, Viktor, that’s a slur.
Orbán: Oh, sorry.
Gyurcsány: IT’S VERY SERIOUS! HE WILL WIN! He will win. There’s no point in this. I’m leaving. No, I just can’t… Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc is… He will win. He’s just so perfect. Goodbye.
[Gyurcsány leaves.]
SpongeBob: He took that really seriously.
Orbán: He did. I’m gonna go outside and check on him.
SpongeBob: Bye, Viktor!
Orbán: Are-are you just gonna stay here?
SpongeBob: Uh yeah…
Orbán: You are weird.
SpongeBob: Uh yeah…
[Cut to Péter Jakab walking on the road. Suddenly, Mr. Zsidó runs up to him.]
Mr. Zsidó: YOU!
Péter: What?
Mr. Zsidó: YOU ARE A NEO-NAZI!
Péter: No I’m not.
Mr. Zsidó: THEN WHY DID YOU BUILD THAT MIKLÓS HORTHY STATUE?!
Péter: It was an accident.
Mr. Zsidó: HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY BUILD A STATUE?!
Péter: Yes.
Mr. Zsidó: What?
Péter: Yes.
Mr. Zsidó: You are getting canceled.
Péter: No.
Mr. Zsidó: Yes.
Péter: Well I can’t argue with that.
[The camera pans over to Orbán.]
Orbán: Oh my! I can’t believe it! Gyurcsány basically left, and Péter Jakab is getting canceled! This is amazing! Now only Péter Márki-Zay is gonna be a challenge… This is amazing! I gotta tell SpongeBob!
[Orbán runs back into the Parlament, and Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc appears.]
Dr. Gyurbán Viktor Ferenc: Oh, Orbán, Márki-Zay is nothing compared to me…
[Credits roll.]
=== (P) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E4: Pampy's Lovely World [April 1, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of a large crudely-constructed wooden mansion. A blocky blue starfish steps out onto the balcony of one of the bedrooms as royalty free music plays in the background.]
Pampy: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS PAMPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! AND WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEEEEEECRAAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT’SSSSSSSSSSS PLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY VIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Pampy turns around and steps back into the bedroom.]
Pampy: And today, in this video, I am going to be joined byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jeffrey Epstein!
[Jeffrey Epstein enters the room.]
Pampy: Good morning Jeffrey Epstein!
Jeffrey Epstein: I am a pedophile.
Pampy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SO TRUE! Do you have my breakfast, Jeffrey?
Jeffrey Epstein: I am a pedophile.
Pampy: LOL XD IT’S ALMOST AS FUNNY THE SECOND TIME! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, but seriously do you have my breakfast or not because I’m a hungry ma-
[Jeffrey Epstein pulls a cake out from behind his back and throws it into Pampy’s face and down his throat. Pampy swallows and burps.]
Pampy: Ah, thank you Jeffrey!
Jeffrey Epstein: You are very welcome.
[The two start walking down the hallway and out to Pampy’s garden.]
Pampy: But anyway, today in this video we are going to do what we always do, and that is go over to my MAP garden and see who we are going to be adding to it today. And today, we are adding ZOLTAN40 to the MAP garden! And that is because he sent me a very lovely letter the other day. He said “WHITE POWER DEATH TO MUSLIMS”, and I just thought that that was so FUNNY and so TRUE that I just HAD to add him to my MAP garden! So, Zoltan40, thank you for your message and WELCOME to my MAP garden! Now, let’s go to the doghouse and see which dog will be joining us today! Anyway, Jeffrey Epstein, let’s head over to my Lovely World town which is where we are going to be building today!
[Cut to Pampy and Jeffrey Epstein on an empty plot of land in the Pampy’s Lovely World town surrounded by building materials.]
Jeffrey Epstein: So, what are we going to be building today, Pampy?
Pampy: Well, I am VERY glad you asked, Jeffrey Epstein! Today we are going to be building a strip club!
Jeffrey Epstein: 😲
Pampy: Alright, let’s start building then!
French Narrator: Two hours later…
[Cut to two hours later where the two have made zero progress.]
Jeffrey Epstein: okay it’s clear that we have no idea how to build
Pampy: I know… I think we might have to call in backup. It’s a shame we don’t know anyone who’s a qualified structural engineer or something…
Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah…
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mr. Bull showing up at the construction site.]
Mr. Bull: YOU WANT US TO BUILD A WHAT?!
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! This should be easy! I’m a bit of an expert at building strip clubs.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a pervert.
Pampy: So can you build it for us or not?
Mr. Bull: Of course! It will cost you though…
Jeffrey Epstein: We have OnlyFans coupons.
Daddy Pig: It’s a deal!
[Cut to the finished strip club.]
Pampy: Wow! Now THAT’S what I call a strip club.
Jeffrey Epstein: …that’s an IKEA.
[Shot of the strip club, which is actually just an IKEA.]
Daddy Pig: …shit!
Pampy: Anyway, thank you so much for watching this video! Please like, subscribe and share with ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS-
Mr. Bull: But I don’t have any friends!
Pampy: -and I’ll see you all in the next one. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
[Cut to Pampy being monitored in a psychiatric ward.]
Pampy: -EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
Dr. Gill Gilliam: What are we thinking, doc?
Dr. Brown Bear: A severe case of schizophrenia, no doubt. This guy thinks he’s living in a damn Minecraft let’s play!
=== (Z) Full Server S1E10: Luis Dies [April 1, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, Zoltan40, thatjess} ===
“Whatever happened to predictability."
"The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?"
"How did I get to living here?"
"Somebody tell me please!"
"This old world's confusing me."
"With clouds as mean as you've ever seen"
"Ain't a bird who knows your tune."
"Then a little voice inside you Whispers,"
"Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon"
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto."
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a place, of Somebody who needs you"
"Everywhere you look."
"When you're lost out there and you're all alone,"
"A light is waiting to carry you home."
"Everywhere you look."
"Everywhere you look."
[Exterior shot of a hospital. Cut to Luis lying in bed with Jess, Pluto, SpongeBot, and Zoltan around him]
Jess: I told you guys that we should have called the ambulance!
Zoltan: Yeah, so?
Dr. Brown Bear: …well, I… I don’t really know how to tell you this but… Luis is dying.
[Gasp]
Jess: How much longer do you think he has left, Dr. Brown Bear?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well… it’s hard to say but his death is pretty much imminent.
Luis: Guys…
Jess: OH MY GOD HE’S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING!
Luis: I- I…
Pluto: JUST SPIT IT OUT YOU LAZY BASTARD!
[laugh track]
Luis: I- I… I told you I was sick.
[The heart monitor stops beeping and Luis fucking dies. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: I thought he died because he jumped out the window.
Jess: He did.
[Pause.]
Zoltan: Well who wants Taco Bell?
[laugh track]
Jess: Baja Blast sounds good, innit?
[Cut to the gang entering the Full Server house, where Purple is sitting on a couch with an underage girl.]
SpongeBot: Uh, Purple…
Purple: Oh, you guys uh… Came home early…
[laugh track]
Jess: How old is she?
Purple: 14- I mean 16- I mean 22.
Zoltan: That’s hella sus.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: Okay, you can leave now.
[The girl leaves.]
Purple: So, how is Luis?
Pluto: Dead.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: I’m not falling for that. I’m much smarter than everyone in this house.
Jess: He’s not joking, he actually died.
SpongeBot: Yeah, he jumped out of a window and was also sick.
Purple: What?
Zoltan: But don’t worry, you can still see his dead body at the funeral!
[Laugh track.]
Purple: I just… I can’t… My dad is… Dead…
[Purple starts crying]
Zoltan: Aw, dad! Don’t cry! We got some tacos!
[Purple stops crying]
Purple: WHERE
[Laugh track; Purple grabs a taco and eats it]
Purple: Wait… If Luis was the oldest one… Then doesn’t that mean that he was the leader?
Jess: What?
SpongeBot: Uh, sure.
Purple: And that’s kind of like being a king, right?
Pluto: I guess.
Purple: And then his son would be the next “king”, right?
Zoltan: What does king mean
[Laugh track]
Purple: And I’m his son! I’m the king!
Jess: I really don’t think that’s our biggest concern right now. Luis is DEAD!
[A knock is heard on the door, and Jarvis Zagna runs up to it]
Jarvis: I’ll open it!
[Jarvis Zagna opens the door, and Mike enters.]
Mike: HEIL HITLER!
[laugh track]
Jarvis Zagna: Oh. You’re, um… Zoltan’s weird friend, right?
Mike: I heard that your relative ‘Luis’ passed away recently, but because I’m a doctor, I can fix him!!!!!1!!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: I don’t think that’s how it works…
Mike: I don’t care! Where is he?
[Zoltan grabs an urn]
Zoltan: Here.
[Laugh track]
Mike: Oh wow he’s actually dead.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: What did you expect?
Mike: I don’t know! Well, I can’t fix this. You’ll need someone supernatural for that.
SpongeBot: Well Dr. Brown Bear is busy on his home planet, so he can’t help right now.
Jess: (sighs) Thanks anyway, Mike.
Mike: That’s Dr. Professor Mr. Kanzler Michael Adolf Source to you.
[Elmo 5 walks in]
Elmo 5: Hi mommy! I’m autistic!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: We know, son, we know.
SpongeBot: Of course! Elmo 5 can revive Luis!
Elmo 5: I’ll need some ice cream for that.
[Pause]
SpongeBot: I’m not fucking gonna go through that again.
[Laugh track]
Mike: (sighs) Well in that case… I think Luis might be dead for good.
[Sad music plays]
Zoltan: That’s a shame. Anyway, it’s time to feed my child slaves in the basement.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Huh.
Zoltan: Long story.
SpongeBot: I have time.
Jess: I don’t. I’m going to see the new Sonic movie at eight.
Zoltan: Basically there was this guy on eBay, and he said he was selling Windows install discs, so I ordered them. But when Postman Pat came, in the box it wasnt disc, It was children. And because I was drunk, I enslaved them. So now they are my sluts. I MEAN SLAVES! THEY ARE MY SLAVES! Which is okay because they are white.
SpongeBot: What.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Do you have a problem with slavery like that stupid SJW IanRises?
SpongeBot: Well… Yes, I do.
Zoltan: This is why I divorced you.
SpongeBot: By the way, Zoltan you know about that Jeremy Kyle game for the Nintendo Wii?
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Well… Yes, I do.
SpongeBot: I keep playing with my Mii and a Mii of you but the lie detector keeps saying my Mii cheated on you during our relationship, but I do not recall doing such a thing.
Zoltan: AHA! SO YOU CHEATED ON ME! HOW COULD YOU?! You are a horrible person.
SpongeBot: It’s just a glitch.
Zoltan: Yeah right.
SpongeBot: I think it’s trying to say YOU cheated on ME!
Zoltan: Nope. The Toast Lady is not real.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Then what were you doing?
Zoltan: Making toast and eating it.
SpongeBot: So you weren’t having sex with anyone else?
Zoltan: Nope.
SpongeBot: I don’t believe you.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: WHY?!
SpongeBot: Because I don’t.
Zoltan: But it’s a believable lie, isn’t it?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: No.
Zoltan: We were such a great couple a few months ago…
SpongeBot: Not really…
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Bot… I’m sorry… I know I haven't been acting great lately… But it’s all your fault.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: That’s really nice.
[Purple appears]
Purple: Hi SpongeBot, how old are you?
SpongeBot: Married.
Purple: Damn it.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Are there any hot singles in this area?
Zoltan: I’m not a nonce, I wouldn’t know.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ally is single.
Ally: (offscreen) I CAN’T HAVE SEX BECAUSE I’M BUSY HATING THE GOVERNMENT AND LOVING THE FUCKING DOLE!
[Laugh track]
Purple: But I need someone to be the queen!
Liz: Does it really matter, she’s going to die soon anyway.
[Laugh track]
Purple: Liz, are you married?
Liz: No.
Purple: GREAT! Let’s get married then!
Liz: No.
Purple: This is my house. You are going to do what I tell you to.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Oh my God, Purple, are you still going on about this whole king thing?!
Purple: Well if Luis is really dead-
Liz: -unlike the queen-
[laugh track]
Purple: -then SOMEONE has to be the head of the house from now on.
[CrazySponge appears]
CrazySponge: HELLO! i am going to buy you for 5 hooplabucks.
[Laugh track]
Purple: what
CrazySponge: well you said that someone needs to be the new head of the house, right?
Purple: Well, yeah but I’m Luis’ son! He would have wanted me to succeed him!
CrazySponge: well then i guess luis was a big fat dumb dumb.
[Laugh track; cut to Jess and Pluto talking to each other]
Jess: HEIL HITLER!
Pluto: I think Gaby is coming soon!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Also, how is it that everytime Gaby kicks you, you become a Nazi in front of your Jewish husband?
Jess: BECAUSE I HATE THE JEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
[Laugh track]
Jess: I’m sorry, Gaby’s kicking really hurts.
Pluto: Sure… but seriously, why does Gaby kicking you make you a Nazi?
Jess: …I do not know.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: You should see a doctor.
Jess: Dr. Brown Bear is busy.
Pluto: Mike?
Jess: You are Jewish.
Pluto: Oh right.
[Laugh track]
Jess: (checks watch) Oh fuck! It’s almost 8pm.
Pluto: So?
Jess: I need to go watch Sonic 2!
Pluto: You know that has like 50% on Rotten Tomatoes, right?
Jess: Fuck you.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Please don’t spoil it.
Jess: I will- I MEAN I won’t! FUCK JEWS!
Gary: Okay, mom!
[Laugh track; cut to Zoltan sitting on couch]
Zoltan: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… well it seems like I’m not getting back with SpongeBot anytime soon.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: …but what if… I married someone else instead? Yes, that’s it! I’ll marry someone else to make SpongeBot jealous! And then she will have to get back with me! So if I can’t marry SpongeBot, then I will marry… Her son! Wait no… Her father! Yes! Wait, who is her father?
Aaron: something ken stringfellow
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh right, Aaron! Wanna marry me??
Aaron: My name is Alberto today.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh okay. Wanna get married?
Aaron: Not really.
Zoltan: But uh… I have Ken Stringfellow’s onlyfans.
Aaron: deal.
[Laugh track]
Existant: hey guys
[Aaron shoots Existant; Laugh track]
Zoltan: That was really hot.
Aaron: I know.
[Laugh track; SpongeBot enters]
SpongeBot: So, what are you doing, dad?
Zoltan: Not much.
SpongeBot: Zoltan, you are not my dad.
Zoltan: I am now.
Aaron: I married him.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: WHAT THE HELL
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: YOU CAN’T MARRY MY DAD!
Zoltan: why not
SpongeBot: IT- IT’S- IT’S INCEST!
Zoltan: So? Pluto used to be Jess’ son. Incest runs in our family.
[SpongeBot walks into her room, and Prim is there]
SpongeBot: Hi Prim, what are you doing?
Prim: something.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: That’s great. How are the Elmos?
Prim: They are sleeping.
SpongeBot: That’s great.
[Elmo 3 walks into the room]
Elmo 3: Mother, I miss my brother.
SpongeBot: That's great.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Alright, let’s go to the graveyard then.
[Dramatic sound effect; commercial break]
Zoltan’s Mum: NO! I’M NOT GONNA GIVE UP YET! If fish can live underwater, then so can I! And so can YOU with the new scuba diving equipment from Zoltan’s Mum Productions! Just go to zoltansmumproductions.co.uk/scubadiving, and with THREE easy payments of your entire life savings, you can be just like me! You will get the official Zoltan’s Mum wetsuit, the official Zoltan’s Mum goggles, the official Zoltan’s Mum oxygen tank, and EVEN a free one month subscription to the OFFICIAL ZOLTAN’S MUM ONLYFANS! So what are you waiting for? Don’t give up yet and order today! The Zoltan’s Mum Scuba Diving Equipment! From Zoltan’s Mum Productions!
[Cut back to Prim and SpongeBot, who are now at the local graveyard]
SpongeBot: Are we really going to get our child back by digging up his grave?
Prim: [holding a shovel but quickly throws it away] No.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Then what are we doing here?
Prim: Uh… holding a funeral for Luis.
SpongeBot: Oh okay. Wait, we already funeral’d him.
[Laugh track]
Prim: Right… Well, we still got Elmo 5! He can revive dead people, right?
SpongeBot: He needs ice cream.
Prim: Isn’t lasagna good enough?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: I’m sure Biden can get us some ice cream.
Prim: I thought he went to Alaska to meet Golfpecks.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh right. I wonder how they are doing.
[Cut to Biden in Golfpecks’ house]
Biden: Why am I here again?
Golfpecks: Shhh, my beloved forty-sixth United States president, we can fuck strawberries together.
Biden: Say, why are we fucking strawberries?
[Golfpecks looks sexually aroused towards the camera. Laugh track. Cut back to the graveyard]
Prim: So how are we going to get ice cream now?
SpongeBot: I think I have an idea.
[Cut to EB the Original Master’s house, where he is recording a video]
EB: Hey guys, EB here, back with another YouTube video. And today-
[He sees there is an ice cream truck outside]
EB: GAH! STUPID ICE CREAM TRUCK! THIS ISN'T THE 1990s ANYMORE! GO AWAY!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: [outside EB’s house] Good thing I knew EB’s address.
Prim: I don’t think I want to know how you got his address.
SpongeBot: Anyway, our plan is to get ice cream from the ice cream truck.
Prim: Are you sure that isn’t just Mr. Renaud in a white van again?
SpongeBot: Third time’s the charm, right?
[Laugh track. They approach the ice cream truck as it opens up]
Ice cream man: Hey kids, want some ice cream?
SpongeBot: Don’t worry, I got this.
[SpongeBot starts shaking the entire ice cream truck, and its trunk opens up as all the ice cream falls out the rear end]
Ice cream man: [takes off disguise, revealed to be Mr. Renaud] Damn it, foiled again! I’m too old for this shit.
[Laugh track. SpongeBot and Prim collect the ice cream as the scene fades back to the Full Server household]
SpongeBot: [singy-songy] Guess who’s got ice cream for Elmo 5?
Elmo 5: Did somebody say… ICE CREAM?! AJSLKFJSDLKFJDSFLDSFKJ
SpongeBot: Okay, no need to have another stroke. After our last incident I don’t think I can handle any more.
[Zoltan bursts through the wall with an axe.]
Zoltan: NO EATING ICE CREAM IN THE WINTER!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: It’s Spring, ex-hubby.
Zoltan: Oh… sorry my bad.
[Zoltan leaves. Laugh track.]
Elmo 5: Wait a second, are you wanting me to do a favor for you guys?
SpongeBot: Of course. We want you to revive Elmo 2.
Elmo 5: UGH! WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALWAYS LIKE THIS?!
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 5: YOU’RE ONLY NICE FOR ME WHEN YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU!
Prim: But this is important!
SpongeBot: We want to bring back your dead brother!
Prim: And maybe Luis as well…?
[Pause.]
Elmo 5: Ughhhhhhh. Fine. But one more thing-
SpongeBot: Jesus fucking Christ Christ Elmo-
Elmo 5: Could you please tuck me in and read me a bedtime story tonight? Pwease??????
Prim: Yeah, sure, whatever. But it HAS to be a Garfield book.
Elmo 5: (clenches fist) Yes!
SpongeBot: Can you please just use your ice cream autism powers to revive your brother now?
Elmo 5: Yes mommy.
[Elmo 5 gulps down the ice cream.]
Elmo 5: !vhri lg vnrg h'gR !kvvoh g'mlW !vpzdz vY .dlm gstri pzvkh R wzvw vsg lG
Prim: Uhh, how do we know that it worked?
SpongeBot: I don’t know. I never thought we’d get this far.
Elmo 5: Elmo 2 is in the graveyard, right?
Prim: …yeah?
[Pause.]
Prim: fuck
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: I guess we’re going all the way back to the graveyard then!
[Cut to Jess in the cinema watching Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Eggman is on the screen flossing.]
Eggman: IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLOSS THEN YOU’RE LOST WITHOUT ME!
[Note: this is an actual line from the film]
Jess: HEIL HITLER!
[Laugh track. Everyone in the cinema turns around and looks at Jess.]
Jess: Oh, heh, I’m sorry! Don’t mind me everyone! I’m just pregnant!
Kid: Mommy, what does “heil Hitler” mean?
Mom: Just watch the film, Timmy.
Kid: But momm-
Mom: JUST WATCH THE FILM!
[Camera cuts to the graveyard.]
Prim: Where’s that little bastard? I haven’t seen him since we killed- [looks at Elmo 5] I mean, sent him to space.
Elmo 5: Mommy, Daddy… Did you kill Elmo 2?
SpongeBot: Well… I mean “kill” is a strong word-
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Yeah, we just merely… sent him to Hell- I mean Heaven assisted.
Elmo 5: Okay I know I’m stupid but I’m not that stupid. [sighs] Let’s just get this over with.
[Elmo 5 grabs a shovel.]
???: Well hi-diddly-ho neighborinos! It’s a bit late to be going around a graveyard with a shovel, don’t you think?
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: Who said that?
Prim: I don’t know… but we should probably turn around and find out.
[The three slowly turn around to see Ned Flanders standing behind them.]
SpongeBot: (sigh of relief) Phew… it’s only Ned Flanders.
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK NED FLANDERS?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
[Laugh track.]
Ned Flanders: Well that’s what I thought too! I was there, on the elevator to Heaven when suddenly- BAM! It’s like… it’s like my whole diddly doodly body was filled with some kind of autism ice cream power or something!
Prim: Nice going, Elmo 5, you accidentally revived Ned Flanders!
Prince Phillip: Who?
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: HOLY CRAP! PRINCE PHILLIP IS ALIVE!
Prim: Isn’t he the casually racist prince of England?
SpongeBot: WAS the casually racist prince of England.
Prim: Or IS… because Elmo 5 accidentally revived him as well.
Elmo 5: Heh… heh… sorry?
SpongeBot: You’re lucky the queen isn’t dead yet or I’d give you the frying pan.
[Suddenly, more and more bodies start climbing out of their graves and onto the earth.]
Ned Flanders: Excuse my language, but what the blooming heck is going on?
Elmo 5: I think… I think…
SpongeBot: Yeah?
Elmo 5: …I think I may have accidentally revived the entire fucking graveyard.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Well, at least Purple isn’t king anymore.
Luis: Purple IS KING?!
Elmo 5: LUIS!
Prim: Bonjour!
SpongeBot: Luis isn’t French, he's Filipino.
Prim: Oh. Thank god, I hate the French.
[Laugh track.]
French Guy: le fu-
SpongeBot: Time to break the bad news to Purple, then.
[Cut to the Full Server household once again, where Purple is wearing a cardboard crown]
Purple: I AM THE KING! I RULE THEE!
Jess: No you fucking don’t.
Purple: Yes I do! Luis is dead!
[Just then, the door opens and Luis is the first one to show up]
Purple: I, uhh… [takes off cardboard crown] Take this.
Luis: What the hell is this piece of crap?
Purple: Don’t ask questions!
Luis: Well, thanks I guess. I’m still king right?
Purple: Sure…
Luis: Yay! I sure do hope nothing bad happens to me!
CrazySponge: Hey Purple, as I am the king, you must lick my feet.
Tan: FEET
Luis: What? I am the king!
CrazySponge: LUIS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
[Laugh track; cut to Zoltan reading his emails.]
Zoltan: Huh, that’s interesting. I have been subscribed to this site for 6 years and haven't used it since. Wait, what's this? They accepted me to Virtual Diner? How?!
[Zoom into the computer where it’s revealed that the reason is because “Sex offenders can cook better than normal people.”]
Zoltan: I don’t understand why, but at least I won’t be unemployed!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Hey, Prim?
Prim: Yeah?
SpongeBot: Wasn’t there another reason we went to the graveyard?
Prim: …I don’t think so.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: I swear there was a reason we got Elmo 5 to revive everyone in the graveyard.
Prim: To revive Luis?
SpongeBot: No, no… there was like… someone else too. I just can’t remember who it is.
Prim: Well if you can’t remember it, it can’t be that important.
SpongeBot: Yeah, you’re right.
[Cut to Elmo 2 standing outside the graveyard in the pouring rain. Laugh track.]
Elmo 2: Hello? Mom? Dad?
Ned Flanders: (sighs and blows the condensation off his glasses, accidentally breaking one of the lenses) Ugh… Now, calm down Ned-ddly diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly. They did their best, shoddily-iddly-iddly-iddly. They didn’t forget to bring us home-iddly-iddly-iddly-iddly- AH HELL DIDDLY DING DONG CRAP! CAN’T THOSE MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!
Elmo 2: Ned Flanders?
Ned Flanders: Damn right!
Elmo 2: You seem… different. Your choice of language is… more colorful.
Ned Flanders: Couldn’t have said it better my fucking self. I’m a changed man, Elmo-
Elmo 2: Actually it’s Elmo 2-
Ned Flanders: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE! Your family killed me on their road trip to Yemen, and then didn’t even offer me a ride home when they accidentally revived me!
Elmo 2: I mean… at least they revived us at all.
Ned Flanders: You know what? …you’re right. This is a new beginning! This is a new chance for me to get my revenge on those damn fools! From this day forth, I shall no longer be known as Ned Flanders. I shall be known as… Red Flanders.
[The studio audience gasps.]
Elmo 2: Red Flanders? …really?
Red Flanders: It’s a fun callback to the wiki lore.
[Pause.]
Red Flanders: Eh, you weren’t alive then, you wouldn’t understand.
Elmo 2: But Ned… I was killed by them too! I need my revenge as well!
Red Flanders: Well then, why don’t we team up?
Elmo 2: YES! WE CAN TELL ‘EM WHO’S BOSS!
Red Flanders: This is going to be fucking epic.
[Ad]
Peter: subway
[End of ad; Cut back to the Full Server house. Jarvis Zagna walks into the kitchen.]
Jarvis: Ah! Now THAT was a fantastic shower with my son!
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Hey Jarvis?
Jarvis: Yes, strange little man?
Zoltan: You’re Italian, right?
Jarvis: Well, Argentine-Italian.
Zoltan: …close enough.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Italians like pizza and meatballs and spaghetti, right?
Jarvis: Zoltan… that is an offensive and quite frankly racist stereotype. But yeah I do love pizza and meatballs and spaghetti.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: GREAT! Then you can teach me how to cook for my new job!
Jarvis: Woah, woah, woah! I don’t know anything about cooking! Cooking’s a woman’s job! Women belong in the kitchen!
Zoltan: THAT’S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY!
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: …but, I just got a new job at Virtual Diner because apparently sex offenders are better at cooking than normal people.
Jarvis: Makes sense to me.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: So… could you please help me learn how to cook?
Jarvis: Is cooking anything like rugby? I’m good at rugby.
Zoltan: Yeah sure whatever.
Jarvis: Then I’ll do it!
Zoltan: Alright! Let’s-a go!
Jarvis: Please don't tell me you're going to talk like Mario the whole time.
Zoltan: mama mía
[Laugh track. Cut to Jarvis and Zoltan in the kitchen with a bunch of ingredients. Applause and cheers.]
Jarvis: Hello everyone and welcome to Cooking With Jarvis Zagna - starring Jarvis Zagna.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: Today on Cooking With Jarvis Zagna, we're going to be making grilled cheese. That's an easy start.
Zoltan: You're lucky I'm not lactose intolerant.
Jarvis: Shut up please. Anyway, what you want to do first is get cheese.
Zoltan: Cheese? That’s easy!
[Zoltan opens the fridge and grabs some butter]
Zoltan: Done.
Jarvis: Zoltan you are re-
Zoltan: Yeah, everyone says that.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: (sighs) Non posso farlo, cazzo. You’re gonna need a better chef to teach you.
Zoltan: Chef Pee Pee from SML?
Jarvis: I was thinking Gordon Ramsay but- I’M NOT GOING TO GET CHEF PEE PEE FROM SML
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Why not?
Jarvis: He’s not real.
Zoltan: NO! THAT IS UNTRUE! IT’S UNTRUER THAN THE LIE THAT JEWWARIO DID NOTHING WRONG, BRIAN GRIFFIN IS ALIVE, THE 2020 ELECTION WASN’T RIGGED, SCATMAN JOHN ISN’T THE KING OF 24 HOUR CHALLENGES, ROUGE THE BAT AND ANKHA AREN’T HOT, AND EPSTEIN KILLED HIMSELF!!!
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: You are too stupid to work at Virtual Diner.
Zoltan: I DON’T CARE! I’m going to get lessons from French Guy.
Jarvis: Whatever. I’m gonna go back to showering with my son.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: IGNACIO!
CartoonGuy: What?
Jarvis: Let’s shower!
CartoonGuy: But I’m watching Italian SpongeBob with Lemur!
Lemur: Yeah, we’re almost done!
Jarvis: Okay fine, but you will shower with me one way or the other!
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: Okay dad! I love you!
[Jarvis walks out]
Lemur: He didn’t see us committing war crimes!
CartoonGuy: We’re so lucky!
[Laugh track; cut to Jess walking back to the Full Server house from the cinema.]
Jess: Ugh… now THAT was a cinematic masterpiece! But my stomach is aching like hell!
[Jess rings the doorbell and Pluto answers.]
Pluto: Wifey! You’re back!
Jess: HEIL HITLER!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Yep, that’s my wife.
[Jess walks in.]
Pluto: What’s the matter?
Jess: I ache like crap.
Pluto: Oof. Was the film that bad?
Jess: THE FILM WAS AMAZING! But… but…
Pluto: But what?
[The room starts flooding.]
Jess: I think my waters just broke.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: GUYS! HELP! MY WIFE IS GIVING BIRTH!
Dan: DID SOMEONE SAY THEY WANT A SHIT PIC?
[Laugh track]
Jess: THIS ISN’T FUNNY! I’M HAVING A BABY!
Dan: Oh, well sucks to be you. Anyway, I’ll see you all later. I've got to break Lil Grizz out of prison.
[Laugh track; Dan leaves.]
Jess: SOMEONE GET ME A DOCTOR!
Zoltan: Mike’s a bit busy right now.
[Laugh track]
Jess: TOO BUSY?! I’M HAVING A FUCKING BABY AND HE’S “TOO BUSY”?!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: He’s building an army.
Jess: Oh, understandable.
[Laugh track]
Gaby: (inside the womb) I’m having diarrhea.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Where’s Dr. Brown Bear?
SpongeBot: He’s on his home planet.
Jess: Well fuck me.
[Laugh track]
Jess: I do kind of need a doctor thou-
[Pause.]
Jess: Oh nevermind, the baby’s coming out now.
Pluto: PUSH, WOMAN! PUSH!
Jess: I’M TRYING!
Pluto: PUSH IT REAL GOOD!
Gaby: Yeah, I’m a big motherfucker.
[Laugh track; Gaby pops out of Jess’ vagina.]
Gaby: Ok I’m out dammit Jesus Christ.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: AWWWWWW! HER FIRST WORDS!
Gaby: You’re gonna give yourself a heart arrhythmia.
Jess: (crying) SHE’S SO CUTE!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Today’s a great day. My granddaughter is born, and the Friends episode where Ross says every day is Lesbian Lover Day is on TV!
Gaby: Ok. Now I suck on boob for milk.
[Gaby starts sucking.]
Zoltan: I hate women.
[Laugh track; cut to Red Flanders and Elmo 2 outside the Full Server house. Red Flanders is now wearing a devil costume.]
Red Flanders: Alright. If I remember correctly, this is where those blasted buffoons live.
Elmo 2: Hey those are Elmo’s blasted buffoons you’re talking about! Also… what the fuck is the plan here?
Red Flanders: The plan here is… that we get our revenge!
[Pause.]
Elmo 2: That’s a pretty… loose plan.
Red Flanders: Shut the fuck up. Your mom is a pretty loose plan.
Elmo 2: Well… … shut up!
Red Flanders: …wait just a ding-dong-diddly second!
Elmo 2: Yeah?
[Red Flanders looks through the window and sees Luis.]
Red Flanders: Hmm… I think I know just how we can get our revenge…
Elmo 2: You mean your revenge. Elmo honestly doesn't care.
[Red Flanders takes out his phone and dials a number.]
Red Flanders: Hello operator? Is this the Anti-Fillipino-Asian-Group?
Operator: No, this is McDonald’s.
[Laugh track]
Red Flanders: Oh, my apologies. While I’m here, could I get a Big Mac though?
Operator: Yeah, of course! Anything else?
Red Flanders: Do you want anything, Elmo?
Elmo 2: Nah I’m good.
Red Flanders: But if you don’t order anything I’m gonna feel like a fatty.
Elmo 2: Okay fine I’ll get a Happy Meal. With the Sonic toys!
Red Flanders: (to the operator) And, um, a Happy Meal with the Sonic toys please.
Operator: That’ll be six dollars and eighty nine cents please.
Red Flanders: Cool, thank you!
[Red Flanders hangs up.]
Red Flanders: Right, now to call the real Anti-Filipino-Asian-Group.
[Cut to Zoltan in Discord Fast Food]
Zoltan: Okay, let’s see… Someone ordered an Among Us cake.
[Zoltan grabs some ingredients]
Zoltan: I have no idea how to make a cake but ok
[Laugh track]
[Zoltan throws together some flour and sugar, making a big mess in the kitchen]
Zoltan: Oh dear.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Hey! That’s what I say!
Zoltan: No one likes you.
[Laugh track; Cut to Red Flanders using his devil powers to break down the Full Server house door.]
Pluto: What the-?!
SpongeBot: What’s going on? [she turns around to see Elmo 2 and Red Flanders] Flanders?! Elmo 2?! What are you two doing in our household?!
Red Flanders: CHICKEN ASS, THAT’S WHAT!
[Laugh track]
Red Flanders: And also to get our diddly revenge for killing us and then abandoning us at the diddly cemetery.
SpongeBot: Still stuck on the diddly thing, huh? How pathetic.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: (breastfeeding Gaby) Ned Flanders? What the-
Pluto: Halloween isn’t for another six months yet.
[Laugh track]
Red Flanders: What?! (looks at his devil costume) Oh, this isn’t a Halloween costume. It’s my new ding-dong-diddly look. And it’s not Ned Flanders anymore… it’s Red Flanders.
[The audience gasps.]
SpongeBot: Red Flanders? …really?
Red Flanders: IT’S A GOOD NAME!
Jess: It’s a bad name.
Pluto: Yeah, did you think of it in the car ride here?
Red Flanders: I- I- Ugh, I can’t with you guys, I really can’t. JUST SURRENDER NOW OR ELSE!
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: …or else what?
Pluto: Yeah, you and what army?
[Suddenly, the Anti-Filipino-Asian-Group burst in.]
Zoltan: (screams) THE ASIANGS ARE COMING!
[Laugh track; Purple bursts in]
Purple: DID SOMEBODY SAY RACISM?!
[Laugh track]
Xi Jingping: Where is the one they call… Luis?
[Luis walks out from the shower.]
Luis: Hey guys what’s happening?
Xi Jingping: YOU!
Jess: soulja boy tell em
[Laugh track]
Xi Jingping: PREPARE TO BE CRUCIFIED!
Luis: what the hell guys
[Laugh track]
Xi Jingping: I SAID PREPARE TO BE CRUCIFIED!
Luis: But but- I’ve literally just come back to life! I'm too young to be crucified! I haven't even had sex with my girlfriend yet!
Xi Jingping: NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Finally something based!
Red Flanders: (munching on popcorn) What time is our McDonald’s getting here, Elmo?
Elmo 2: No idea.
[Cut to Luis half-naked and nailed to a wooden cross in the Full Server backyard.]
Luis: Um… a little help?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Why is Luis being crucified again?
Xi Jingping: Because I hate asians.
Zoltan: BASED!
SpongeBot: But… aren’t you asian?
[Pause.]
Pluto: Gee, this reminds me of the 1940s.
Xi Jingping: Well um… you know… Luis is a different type of asian, okay?! We’re the Anti-Filipino-Asian-Group! Or A-F-A-Gs for short!
Jess: AFAG? Like British slang for cigarettes?
Xi Jingping: Exactly!
Luis: Um… I don’t really want to die again in this episode!
Xi Jingping: I don’t care! No one does!
Luis: Oh okay.
Red Flanders: Don’t worry. Crucifixion is a very noble way to go out. Maybe some people will make a diddly religion about you, I don’t diddly fucking know.
[Laugh track]
Xi Jingping: Any last words, Luis?
Luis: Well yes actually. You see, when I was a little boy-
[Luis suddenly fucking dies. Very loud laugh track.]
Xi Jingping: Well that was easy.
Moon Jae-In: I think we can go now.
Xi Jingping: Yeah.
[The AFAGs leave. Pause.]
Zoltan: Well who wants Taco Bell?
[Laugh track]
Jess: If I had a nickel for every time Luis died this episode, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Red Flanders: WAIT! I JUST ORDERED THE DING-DONG-DIDDLY FUCKING DEATH OF THE LEADER OF THIS FAMILY! …AND YOU GUYS DON’T CARE AT ALL?
SpongeBot: No not really. We could just revive him again, and even if we don’t he’s barely in this series anyway.
[Purple enters]
Purple: Hey guys, what did I miss?
SpongeBot: Luis is dead again.
[Laugh track]
Purple: WHAT?! Didn’t he die like earlier today?
SpongeBot: Yep.
Purple: Wait wait wait wait wait… so if Luis is dead again-
SpongeBot: Oh for [BEEP]’s sake here we go again.
[Laugh track]
Purple: -THAT MEANS I’M KING AGAIN!
[CrazySponge materialises into existence]
CrazySponge: hi
[Laugh track]
Purple: Nope. You are not going to buy me again. Worst mistake.
CrazySponge: Why not?
Purple: It was fine in the beginning, but the gay BDSM was too much.
[Laugh track]
Red Flanders: Ugh. You know what?! You guys are actually the worst. I’m out of here, but I’ll be back! Come on, Elmo.
Elmo 2: Actually Elmo wants to stay here.
Red Flanders: Fuck you.
[Laugh track; Red Flanders storms out.]
SpongeBot: Ha! Loser!
Mike: Wait, why is Elmo 2 here?
Zoltan: Well, you see what happened was Luis jumped out of the window so we had to rush him to the hospital and he was also sick so unfortunately he died so we decided to get Elmo 5 to revive him and also Elmo 2 because Elmo 3 wanted to but Elmo 5 accidentally revived the entire graveyard and we forgot to bring Elmo 2 home from the graveyard and also Ned Flanders was there but now he’s Red Flanders and he doesn’t like us for some reason so he called the AFAGs to crucify Luis and now Luis is dead again but Elmo 2 is here so yeah.
Mike: Oh okay. Also I hate Jewish people.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Well I’m going back to work.
[Cut to Zoltan at Discord Fast Food; Prim enters]
Prim: Ayo.
Zoltan: YOU! WHY!
Prim: Well anyway I'm gonna go have hot ghost sex with my wife. Wanna have a threesome?
Zoltan: I’M NOT GAY! Plus I'm at work I can't have sex at work.
Prim: Suit yourself.
Zoltan: Looks like somebody ordered… deez nuts. What are deez nuts?
Worker: Gottem.
Zoltan: What
Worker: CHICKEN ASS THATS WHAT
Zoltan: DIE
Worker: Anyway, a certain person named Candice ordered ligma.
Zoltan: Candice who?
Worker: CANDICE DICK FIT IN YO MOUTH!
Zoltan: That would be gay. What’s ligma?
Worker: LIGMA BALLS!
Zoltan: STOP
Worker: Okay, okay, so Joe…
Zoltan: Joe? NotJoe?
Worker: No, Joe MAMA!
Zoltan: AGH! THIS IS WHY I HATE WOMEN! I’M GOING TO TALK TO A REAL MAN!
[Zoltan walks outside of the kitchen and only sees females]
Zoltan: That’s odd. Only members of the inferior sex appear to work here.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Wait a minute… does this mean… I’m working a WOMEN’S JOB?! NO! I cannot do this for any longer! I am going home to mow the lawn!
[Zoltan exits Discord Fast Food through the back door. Laugh track. Cut back to the Full Server household where SpongeBot is making brownies]
SpongeBot: Who wants brownies?
Zoltan: (just coming in) FOOD! YES! MADE BY A WOMAN AND NOT A MAN!
SpongeBot: I guess the Discord Fast Food job didn't work out.
Zoltan: No because working in the kitchen is a women’s job and I hate women.
Pluto: I'd like some brownies, SpongeBot.
Liz: Didn’t you hear? Brownies turn you lesbian.
Pluto: They WHAT?!
Zoltan: I HATE LESBIANS!
SpongeBot: Fine, suit yourselves. (eats a brownie) Charli sure is hot, huh?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: It's true! They DO turn you lesbian! Everyone, don't eat the brownies!
Prim: Too late.
Zoltan: You're dead to me.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Son, don’t hate on lesbians! They’re perfectly fine! I mean as a bisexual-
Zoltan: You’re dead to me.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Whatever. Scatman let’s record another 24 hour challenge.
Scatman: Okay!
[They leave]
CrazySponge: can i buy your company
CrazySponge: This family sucks! I can never buy anything! I’m leaving! I’m going to buy this house once… I WILL! YES! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
[CrazySponge goes outside and gets crushed by House]
Zoltan: oh god oh fuck
Prim: So SpongeBot, I think we need to have an important discussion about our child.
SpongeBot: Which one?
[Laugh track]
Prim: Elmo 4, jackass.
SpongeBot: How would I know that? We literally number our children!
Jess: Now that's a level maths!
[Laugh track]
Prim: Never mind that. What I'm trying to say is, Elmo 4 is ready for preschool!
Elmo 4: YAY!!!
SpongeBot: Preschool, huh? I hope there's no Mr. Bakers there… or worse, Mr. Renauds.
Purple: You guys should know by now that I can't go within 500 miles of a preschool.
SpongeBot: Wait, why?
Purple: I'm a registered sex offender.
SpongeBot: I forgot, we already have a Renaud right here.
[Everyone laughs. Laugh track and applause as the episode fades to black and credits roll with the YMCA by the Minions playing. The post credits scene starts.]
Lil Grizz: I am in prison.
[Laugh track; suddenly Dan bursts through the wall.]
Lil Grizz: …I mean it’s about time.
Dan: C’mon lil cuz, let's get you outta here!
Lil Grizz: Please never call me lil cuz ever again.
[Laugh track and the episode ends]
=== (Z) Cow Fucker [April, 2022] {thatjess} ===
Based on true events, the film follows Aaron Walker (playing himself) as he falls in love, and subsequently makes love to, a cow named Jane (also playing herself).
=== (Z) Full Server S2E1: Marriage Counseling (unreleased) [April, 2022] {PlutoIsAPineapple, FireMatch, thatjess} ===
I'm never that far
No matter where you are
Believe it we can make it come true
We’ll do it our way
No matter what they say
‘Cos no one’s gonna do it for you oohh oohhhhhhh
''But I-I-I-I-I''
I’ll never say never
As long as we keep it together uh uh uh uh
We can live in a dream and you know what it means but you can’t let them change your mind
It's the life that we choose and we still break the rules but it’s all gonna be just fine
You and me are gonna be just fine
Yeah you and me we’re gonna be just fine
Ooh
[The episode begins with a shot of a counseling center. Cut to one of the rooms where a therapist is talking to his clients.]
Jerry Attricks: So, tell me… where did this all start?
[Jess and Pluto are sitting opposite the therapist]
Jess: Rouge the Bat is hot.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: See? This is EXACTLY what I mean! You always have to make it about her!
Jess: I’M NOT MAKING IT ABOUT HER! I JUST THINK SHE’S HOT! 
Jerry Attricks: Okay, I think the problem here is that this marriage clearly needs to have some boundaries settled on.
Pluto: Agreed.
Jess: But- But- Rouge the Bat!
Jerry Attricks: Okay, okay. So let’s put it this way. Jess, when you think of Rouge the Bat, how does that make you feel?
Jess: Horny.
[Laugh track]
Jerry Attricks: And Pluto, when ''you'' think of Rouge the Bat how does that make ''you'' feel?
Pluto: Sad because my wife thinks a bat is hotter than me.
[Laugh track]
Jerry Attricks: Alright. Jess, do you understand where your husband is coming from here?
Jess: No not really.
[Laugh track]
Jerry Attricks: When you keep talking about Rouge the Bat and how hot she is-
Jess: So you agree she’s hot?
Jerry Attricks: That’s not what I meant to sa-
Jess: But you agree she’s hot though, right?
Jerry Attricks: That’s not relev-
Jess: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Jerry Attricks: …yes, Rouge the Bat is hot.
Pluto: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A THERAPIST!
Jerry Attricks: I AM! I mean, I’m not technically licensed but-
Pluto: Look, Jess, if this is going to work out you need to stop constantly comparing me to… that THING you’re always going on about!
Jess: Okay okay, I’ll stop.
Pluto: THANK YOU.
Jess: Because I’ll move onto the Halsey wolf from Sing 2, she is so much hotter!
Pluto: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY
[Laugh track]
Jerry Attricks: [looking at his watch] Oopsies, it seems our time here is up. See you next week?
Pluto and Jess: No.
[laugh track. Cut to the Full Server household, where Zoltan is listening to The Toilet Bowl Cleaners]
Zoltan: This guy is good! He makes the best songs about poop, puke, AND pee!
Aaron: Like Ken Stringfellow?
[Audience boos]
Aaron: What? You know I’m right!
Audience Member: KILL YOURSELF!!!!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: (yelling at the fourth wall) BE NICE!!!
Aaron: See? Paige is defending me.
SpongeBot: Wait, no I’m not defending- (yelling back to the fourth wall) NEVERMIND, CARRY ON!
Zoltan: What were we talking about again?
Aaron: Kenneth Stringyfelly.
SpongeBot: NOOOOO!!!!!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: I strongly prefer Dreamosaur Rob, thank you very much.
Aaron: Still obsessed with that dinosaur Rob guy, huh?
Zoltan: At least he’s not a sex offender!
Aaron: He’s no-... okay that is true.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: You really need to stop acting like you’re better than other people, you’re literally the Basildon cow fucker.
Aaron: Indeed. And he just made a big stinky.
SpongeBot: I want to mute you so hard right now.
Aaron: Please?
SpongeBot: I- no.
Aaron: Okay, okay, but just for the record I fucked a cow ONCE and I deeply regret it.
SpongeBot: Do you?
Aaron: I-no.
Jess: [walking in with Pluto] But she IS very hot! Isn’t that right, guys?
SpongeBot: Who are we talking about here?
Jess: Rouge the Bat? Is she hot?
Zoltan: YES! HOT! AWOOOOOGA!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: [hands on face] We’re doomed.
Zoltan: Oh hey daughter, hey her lesbianator wife. How did the Drama club go?
Pluto: It wasn’t a Drama club, it was couples’ counseling. 
SpongeBot: They both involve drama, do they not?
[Laugh track]
Luis: Back in my day we didn’t fucking need couples’ counselling, we sorted it out ourselves.
Jess: Hey! Jerry Attricks is a very handsome man, and a great therapist too.
Pluto: You’re just saying that because he agrees with everything you say.
Jess: Well I am the one paying for this.
Luis: This generation has gone soft. In my day we had no therapists, we had battle-axes.
[Laugh track]
Jess: What’s that supposed to mean?
Zoltan: It means you’re a [censored].
[The studio audience gasps]
Zoltan: What? I just called her a [censored]!
SpongeBot: Zoltan, you can’t say that word!
Zoltan: Okay [censored].
SpongeBot: No seriously you shouldn’t say it!
Zoltan: Why not, [censored]?
SpongeBot: Because… it’s not nice. And I like being nice.
Zoltan: Well I don’t, [censored].
[Skittles walks in.]
Skittles: Hey, uh… the backdoor was open so I just- anyway, is this the house I’m supposed to be moving into?
Zoltan: It sure is, [censored].
Skittles: …nevermind.
[Skittles slowly walks out of the room.]
Pluto: What the hell was that for?! We really needed that extra money from that lodger.
Zoltan: Why’d you want to take money from him? He’s a [censored].
SpongeBot: And you’re going into timeout.
[Laugh track; SpongeBot forcibly picks up Zoltan by his feet and starts dragging him across the floor to the Naughty Step]
Zoltan: NOOOO!! NO!!!!!!! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! WE USED TO BE MARRI- wait, are we still married?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Honestly I have no idea. You were married to the cow fucker at one point.
Aaron: Of course that was before the whole cow fucking incident.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Either way, I’m still putting you on the Naughty Step though.
Zoltan: WHY????!!!!!
SpongeBot: Because you weren’t nice.
CrazySponge: And you called everyone a [censored].
[The studio audience gasps again.]
SpongeBot: [to the fourth wall] It’s okay, he’s gay, he can reclaim it.
CrazySponge: I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!
[Laugh track because homophobia is peak comedy]
DaBaby: Less goooo
SpongeBot: I feel like we’ve done this joke before.
Purple: [appearing out of nowhere] Hey CrazySponge, I have a surprise for you!
CrazySponge: Oh boy! Are you actually going to work for my shows now?
Purple: Not a chance, idiot. Here’s your surprise.
[Purple waves a transgender flag in front of CrazySponge’s face]
CrazySponge: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
[Laugh track]
Jess: Why do I feel a stinging in my stomach?
Pluto: Are you having another baby?
Jess: I feel like there's a bee inside me, not a baby.
Pluto: Well that's not good.
Jess: Wait… maybe I'm giving birth to a… ba-bee.
Liz: I'm not doing the rimshot.
Pluto: Didn't ask, lesbian.
Liz: Well that's not how you should treat a lesbian.
SpongeBot: Yeah, be nice. Also does anyone want to watch Boris Johnson resign with me? It's a once in a lifetime event.
Zoltan: Bah, you're lame.
SpongeBot: You're supposed to be in timeout.
Zoltan: Right.
Jess: This baby stings so much, why can't bee just come out already?
Pluto: …bee?
Jess: Yeah, gotta use the correct pronouns.
Zoltan: Woke ass bitch.
SpongeBot: Be nice.
Zoltan: No.
[SpongeBot puts a piece of duct tape over Zoltan’s mouth]
SpongeBot: There we go, now he has to be nice.
Pixl: 💀
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Where did you even come from?
Pixl: I've been here the whole time.
SpongeBot: The whole time?
Pixl: I’ve seen some things.
SpongeBot: I guess that explains the voice inside my head.
Pixl: ⚰️
[Laugh track]
Aaron: Is there a new member in this house?
Pixl: ☠
Aaron: …taking that as a yes.
[Laugh track]
Jess: I’m also pregnant with a fucking bee.
Aaron: I… uh… one thing you should… excuse me for a second.
[Aaron slams the door to his bedroom as he enters it alone]
Jess: I’m sure he’s just beaming with excitement!
SpongeBot: Uh-huh.
[Silence]
Zoltan: Some cats give me boners.
[Everyone stares at Zoltan]
Zoltan: What?! I’m just speaking my mind!
SpongeBot: How did you get the duct tape off?
Zoltan: It was really loose duct tape, you should buy a new roll.
SpongeBot: WHY YOU LITTLE- okay, SpongeBot, remember to be nice.
Prim: [running around the room naked waving an American flag] TRUMP IS OUR ONE AND ONLY TRUE PRESIDENT!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
Prim: Does my ass offend you, wife?
SpongeBot: No, I’ve seen it enough times to get used to it. BUT WE ARE NOT TRUMPERS!
Prim: (shaking his head in a sudden matter) Wuh happen?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Okay, what do you think about Donald Trump?
Prim: (smashes a nearby flower pot) I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh great, it seems my husband has bipolar disorder.
Jess: HEY! DON’T YOU CA- oh you mean the disorder. Carry on.
Prim: Jess, why are you holding a Garfield-branded baseball bat?
Jess: I took it from your closet, to use it in a pinch.
Prim: Fascinating.
Jess: (feeling pain in her stomach) Ow! Fucking hell!
Pluto: Hey, don’t swear around our unborn child. It might get the wrong idea.
Jess: Have you ever seen our other children? It’s a lost cause. Besides, we literally drafted one of them to fight in Ukraine.
(TO DO: Jess gives birth to Gabee, more marriage issues with Jess and Pluto)
[The front door is heard closing shut]
SpongeBot: Oh no, who is it this time?
Tanette: Skittles, honey, are you in here?
Skittles: MY WIFE!
[Tanette and Skittles approach each other and embrace with a long hug]
SpongeBot: …is a Zoltan clone married to Skittles?
Zoltan: MMMM!
SpongeBot: Didn’t ask you, bozo.
[Laugh track]
Tanette: I AM NOT A CLONE! I AM 100% ORIGINAL!
Gabee: Buzz, buzz, I doubt it.
Skittles: Yeah, get your hands off my wife, BOT! We even had a baby!
SpongeBot: Not another one…
Skittles: His name is Osama Aaron Tanette-Skittles! Don’t you just love him? Honey, can you show SpongeBot our new baby?
[Tanette holds out her hands to show SpongeBot their new child]
SpongeBot: Oh, he looks… kinda like you.
Skittles: No shit, Sherlock.
[Laugh track]
OATS: Daddy, what does (homophobic slur) mean?
[Everyone gasps, including the audience]
Skittles: MY CHILD WHICH I ALREADY FORGOT THE NAME OF! DON’T SAY THAT! THERE’S CHILDREN HERE!
OATS: Yeah, that child is me, (homophobic slur).
SpongeBot: We have like five Elmos at this point, I don’t want them getting any ideas.
Elmo 2: Elmo 2 like slurs!
SpongeBot: See?!
Tanette: I think he was like that from the get-go.
OATS: Lmao, what a (homophobic slur), I know more slurs than cells he has in his entire body.
SpongeBot: HEY! BE NICE!
OATS: No, (homophobic slur).
Skittles: Woah, ass ahoy.
SpongeBot: If you don’t stop, I will send you to Slovenia.
OATS: Do it, (homophobic slur).
[Cut to OATS on a catapult]
OATS: fuck she actually did it
SpongeBot: Do you have any last words?
OATS: (homophobic slur)
[OATS gets shot into Slovenia]
SpongeBot: Now what
Tanette: You should unmute Zoltan.
SpongeBot: I’d rather not.
Skittles: That’s it. I’m divorcing you.
Tanette: NOOO I WILL BE A GOOD WIFE I PROMISE
Skittles: I don’t care.
[Tanette takes off her wig, revealing her to be Tan]
Tan: Damn, whatever. I'm going to be a pilot instead.
[The rest of the episode was never finished, as Full Server got canceled]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E5: Viktória [April 1, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
[There’s no Lobster Productions logo this time; the episode begins with Gary in SpongeBob’s house talking to the audience.]
Gary: Greetings. My name is Gary, and this is an episode of The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show. Now this is different. It’s going to be… weirder. It’s not for normal people. Viewer discretion advised. So only watch it if you are crazy, bruv.
[Cut to Orbán waking up.]
Orbán: Anikó! Make me some breakfast! I have to hide because I killed three people again!
Anikó: (offscreen) Okay, honey!
[Transition to Orbán getting ready to go outside.]
Orbán: Okay, Anikó, I’m leaving now! Bye! I hate you! I MEAN LOVE!
Anikó: I love you too!
[Orbán walks outside and notices SpongeBob.]
Orbán: Oh, hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hello, Viktor! I want to tell you that your shoes are untied!
[Orbán looks down.]
Orbán: NO THEY AREN’T
SpongeBob: April fools!
Orbán: I will kill you, and then kill you again.
SpongeBob: :(
[Orbán starts walking again and then notices a white house.]
Orbán: Wait, what’s that… It seems familiar…
[Flashback to a child Orbán playing with a ball, and then he accidentally throws it into the same white house’s backyard.]
Orbán: God fucking damn it.
[Orbán knocks on the door, but gets no response. He opens the door and walks in, and sees that the backyard is empty.]
Orbán: Hi backyard!
Backyard: Hi.
[Orbán then walks into the garden, and sees a bull.]
Orbán: Bull.
Bull: Bull.
Orbán: I just realized that the reason there’s a stick between my legs, is to put it in holes!
Bull: What the actual fucking fuck.
Orbán: Yes.
[Orbán runs away crying and the flashback ends.]
Orbán: I should get my balls back. I MEAN BALL.
[Orbán walks into the house and notices a red key.]
Orbán: Ooh what’s this?
[Orbán grabs the key and puts it in his pockets.]
Orbán: I’m such a good person.
[Orbán waks more into the house and notices a door. He pushes on it and the door falls down, revealing a long hall. He puts the door back and walks away.]
Orbán: I’m such a good person.
[Orbán then notices a chicken drumstick.]
Drumstick: I’M THE MAGICAL CHICKEN DRUMSTICK!
Orbán: o
Drumstick: HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE MAGICAL CHICKEN DRUMSTICK LIKE THAT? That’s it. I will turn you into a frog.
Orbán: What.
[The Chicken Drumstick turns Orbán into a woman.]
Drumstick: Oh actually you are a woman.
Orbán: Isn’t that the same.
Drumstick: Yes. Also your name is Viktória now.
Orbán: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! TURN ME BACK INTO A MAN PLEASE
Drumstick: Well, you will be turned back into a man if you suck your true love’s dick in 24 hours.
Orbán: BUT MY WIFE DOESN’T HAVE A DICK!
Drumstick: Hm… Then maybe he’s not your real love…
Orbán: gasp
[Cut to SpongeBob in the Parlament.]
SpongeBob: I wonder where Orbán is.
[Viktória enters the Parlament.]
Viktória: Hi SpongeBob, can I test something?
SpongeBob: What do you want to test?
Viktória: Pull down your pants.
[Cut to Orbán being a man again.]
Orbán: I love being a man again.
[Credits roll. He never got his ball back.]
=== (V) Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary S3E2: [[Election] [April 3, 2022] (Flashback) {Zoltan40} ===
TBA
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E5: Daddy Pig Kills Gary [April 7, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Opens at SpongeBob's House]
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig, can you watch Gary well I go on a date with Sandy?
Daddy Pig: Yeah, whatever.
SpongeBob: Great! See ya in 2 hours! *leaves*
Gary: Meow.
Daddy Pig: I'm gonna go have a pretzel. *walks over to kitchen* Time to get the salt!
Narrator: Daddy Pig us going to salt his prezel.
Daddy Pig: *drops salt* Where's the sa- OH MY WORD!
Gary: Meeeeeeowwwww! *dies*
Narrator; Oh no. Daddy Pig has killed Gary the snail.
Daddy Pig: I must cover this up!
French Narrator: 2 hours and one cover-up later...
Spongebob: I'm home! Hey Daddy Pig, where's gare-bare?
Daddy Pig: Idk. Also don't go in the kitchen.
SpongeBob: Why?
Daddy Pig: Uhh.... Uhh.... Go have sex with Sandy.
SpongeBob: Ok! *leaves*
Daddy Pig: Phew! Got that out of the way! Now, time to watch TV!
Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn't care about Gary.
Daddy Pig: Shut up! Hmmm... I'm gonna go despose of Gary's corspe in the nearest dumpster *goes outside*
Mummy Sheep: What are ya doing, Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Just desposing of some trash.
Mummy Sheep: Hey, isn't that Gary's shell?
Daddy Pig: Uhhh... no.
Mummy Sheep: Ok. *leaves*
Daddy Pig: That was a close one!
French Narrator: Later that morning...
[Daddy Pig's phone rings]
Daddy Pig: (Half Asleep) *awnser's phone^ what?
SpongeBob: Hi Daddy Pig! Just letting you know I'll be back home by noon. I'm gonna go put a missing notice for Gary at the police station.
Daddy Pig: Spongebob, I have to tell you something.
SpongeBob: What?
Daddy Pig. I killed Gary. I can explain! I was making pretzels, and accidentally dropped some salt on Gary!
SpongeBob: Eh, don't worry about it!
Daddy Pig: Why?
SpongeBob; I was also gonna go to a pet shop, get a snail that looks identical to Gary, and also name it Gary.
Daddy Pig: Oh. I might as well tell Mummy Sheep the truth that I was actually throwing away Gary's shell too...
SpongeBob: Ok! Gotta go! *hangs up*
[Episode Ends]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E6: As Thin as a Pipe Cleaner [April 8, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom Olive Garden. Cut to the inside where Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are sitting together in fancy outfits.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is the Olive Garden. It looks like Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are on a date!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) You know, Daddy Pig, I wasn’t sure about this American food-
Daddy Pig: -actually it’s Italian.
Mummy Sheep: Whatever. My point is, this place is nice.
Daddy Pig: I hear it’s like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype! (whispers to himself) I hope SpongeBob doesn’t find out I’m using his credit card.
Mummy Sheep: What was that?
[Miss Rabbit, in a waitress uniform, approaches the two with their food.]
Miss Rabbit: I’ve got an order of the lasagna bundle, fried mozzarella, the never-ending pasta bowl… and our jumbo house salad.
Daddy Pig: Eh? What? I don’t remember ordering any salad.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like salad.
Miss Rabbit: Oh, the chef said to put it on the house. You know, with your big weight and all.
Daddy Pig: Excuse me! Are you saying I’m… fat?
Miss Rabbit: Well I mean… to be completely honest sir, you could lose a few pounds.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a fat bastard.
Daddy Pig: Did you hear that Mummy Sheep?! This poxy waitress here thinks I’m fat!
Mummy Sheep: Well, you are a bit fat…
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!! I AM AS THIN AS A BREADSTICK!
Miss Rabbit: Oh! And I almost forgot, here are your jumbo breadsticks!
[Miss Rabbit throws some massive breadsticks down on the table. Daddy Pig stands up and flips the table over.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: RIGHT THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! I AM NOT FAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! AND FUCK THE OLIVE GARDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Daddy Pig storms out of the restaurant.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is a bit grumpy.
[Daddy Pig walks back in the restaurant, grabs some of the breadsticks and leaves again.]
…
Miss Rabbit: So will you be paying with cash or credit?
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Cut to the inside where Daddy Pig is talking to SpongeBob on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: -and then those fucking wankers banned me from the Olive Garden! I didn’t even know the Olive Garden was a real thing until today! I just thought it was a made-up thing from that Sonic the Hedgehog movie!
SpongeBob: Good movie.
Daddy Pig: I know! I am as thin as a pipe cleaner! …you don’t think I’m fat, do you SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Um…
Daddy Pig: Do you?
SpongeBob: Of course not!
Daddy Pig: THANK YOU! Finally someone agrees with me. My tummy is pure muscle!
SpongeBob: You’re just… plus-sized, that’s all. Nothing wrong with that.
Daddy Pig: NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT?! NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT?! I’ve been bullied and fat-shamed my whole life for my body! By my soon-to-be ex-wife, by my kids… and now by my new girlfriend Mummy Sheep! You know what-
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I will stand for this no longer!
SpongeBob: You’re standing right now.
Daddy Pig: Shut up. From this day forth, Daddy Pig will no longer be bullied for being a little round in the tummy! I am going to do something I have never done before! Daddy pig is going to… (closeup of his face) exercise.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh, that’s easy! I exercise all the time! You can use my own personal gym if you want.
Daddy Pig: You have your own personal gym?
SpongeBob: Well it’s not much. I also have my own personal library.
Daddy Pig: How do you pay for all this stuff?
SpongeBob: I mean I know Mr. Krabs only gives me dimes, but being the mascot of Nickelodeon is a full-time job.
Daddy Pig: Touche.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig entering SpongeBob’s garage.]
SpongeBob: -you see I still don’t have my boating licence yet or anything… so I just keep all my workout stuff in here!
[The camera pans across SpongeBob’s gym, which includes yoga mats, barbells with stuffed animals on the ends, and posters of hot male models.]
Daddy Pig: Um… this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob is a bit of a sissy.
SpongeBob: Oh, come on Daddy Pig! My gym can’t be that bad!
[SpongeBob attempts to pick up one of his stuffed animal barbells.]
SpongeBob: (struggling) See? You can really feel the- (drops the barbell) burn.
Daddy Pig: Hmm… I think maybe you could use a trip to the gym too.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I… I guess I’m not really that in-shape myself. Luckily I know just where to go!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig entering Larry the Lobster’s gym. Larry is behind the reception desk.]
Larry: Ah! SpongeBob! My… most mid customer. And uh… (whispering) who’s the fat guy?
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!!!
Larry: Okay, okay! Calm down, big guy!
Daddy Pig: BIG GUY?! BIG GUY?!!!!!!!!!
Larry: Hey buddy, this is the gym. Anger management is next door.
SpongeBob: Heh. Don’t listen to him, Daddy Pig. Listen Larry, Daddy Pig and I would like to sign up for a gym membership!
Daddy Pig: (embarrassed) I would like to, um… get into shape.
Larry: Well, I can see that. I’ve never seen someone as big as you! Welp, today’s as good a day as any to work out! Especially under the presidency of our one true leader, Donald J. Trump!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Um… Larry? Biden’s our current president.
Larry: Wrong. That’s just what those liberals want you to think. But luckily us true Trumpers know the truth!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: So um… can we get the gym membership or not?
Larry: Oh, don’t worry about it! Since your friend is… well… severely the opposite of underweight, I’ll let you get in on the house!
SpongeBob: Really? Thanks, Larry!
Larry: Don’t mention it!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walk into the actual gym.]
Larry: And don’t forget to VOTE FOR TRUMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy Pig: Wow. There’s… so many fit people!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig feels a bit out of place.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry about it! We’ll get you into shape in no time!
Daddy Pig: It’s just that… I’ve never been to the gym before! I don’t even know where to start!
SpongeBob: Well…
[SpongeBob’s eyes look around the gym searching for what piece of equipment to use. He notices an empty weight bench.]
SpongeBob: Aha! We could always try the weight benches first!
Daddy Pig: Yes! The weight benches! I mean I am a bit of an expert at lifting weights.
…
SpongeBob: Have you ever lifted weights before?
…
Daddy Pig: No.
[The two walk over to the weight benches.]
Daddy Pig: So um… how exactly does this work, again?
SpongeBob: You just lie down on the bench… and lift weights!
Daddy Pig: Alright.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Go on then. Sit down on the bench!
Daddy Pig: Okay!
[Daddy Pig sits down on the bench and it fucking collapses.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is so fat that he broke the weight bench!
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Patrick approaches the two.]
Patrick: It’s okay, buddy. Happened to me on my first time too.
SpongeBob: Patrick? I didn’t know you came to the gym.
Patrick: Who’s Jim?
[Pause.]
Patrick: Ohhhhh! You mean THE gym! Nah, I just come here for the showers. I don’t have running water back at my place, it’s just sand. Have you ever tried taking a shower and all that comes out is sand? Would not recommend it.
SpongeBob: Well, you’re always welcome to use my shower anytime you need!
Patrick: Nah, I’m good. Now that I have cleansed myself, I am going to go home and bathe in my own feces. Oh yeah, rub those brown turds all over my body!
[Pause.]
Patrick: Anyway, bye SpongeBob! Bye Father Ham!
[Patrick walks off.]
SpongeBob: (to Daddy Pig) …so you wanna try something else?
Daddy Pig: Good idea.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walking over to the treadmills.]
SpongeBob: Ah! What about the treadmills, Daddy Pig? They seem good.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I’m not sure. This might be hard to believe, but I’m not exactly an expert at running.
SpongeBob: What?! But you’re Daddy Pig! You’re supposed to be an expert at everything!
[The camera pans over to Zoltan’s Mum on one of the treadmills.]
Zoltan: Mum, what are you doing on the treadmill?!
Zoltan’s Mum: Just having a little jog, Zoltan. This physique won’t maintain itself y’know.
Zoltan: Mum, this is literally the first time I have ever seen you on the treadmill!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well I went on once with Scatman John for a video, Zoltan. But I fell off… so I’m being extra careful today.
Zoltan: You’re being extra careful, mum, making sure you don’t fall off?
Zoltan’s Mum: Safety first, Zoltan.
Zoltan: Well, mum, it would be a shame if you got… (pulls out a TV remote) PAUSED.
Zoltan’s Mum: NO ZOLTAN, NO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Zoltan: PAUSE!
[Zoltan’s Mum stops jogging and falls off the fucking treadmill.]
Zoltan’s Mum: NOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Daddy Pig: …maybe we shouldn’t try this.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you’re probably right.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig over by the punching bags.]
SpongeBob: Here we go! These punching bags shouldn’t be that hard, right?
Daddy Pig: …isn’t the entire point of a punching bag to be hard?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Whatever. Let’s just try punching.
Daddy Pig: Sure.
[Daddy Pig stares intently at the punching bag.]
Daddy Pig: So um… what exactly am I supposed to do?
Larry: It’s simple! You just get your fists at the ready… and punch the bag! I like to think of something I really hate, rile myself up, and then take my anger out on the bag. LIKE THOSE LIBERALS WHO VOTED AGAINST TRUMP!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
[Larry the Lobster starts punching the shit out of the punching bag.]
Daddy Pig: Huh. Seems easy enough.
Larry: So, what do you hate Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Hmm…
[Flashback to earlier…]
Daddy Pig: Eh? What? I don’t remember ordering any salad.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like salad.
Miss Rabbit: Oh, the chef said to put it on the house. You know, with your big weight and all.
Daddy Pig: Excuse me! Are you saying I’m… fat?
Miss Rabbit: Well I mean… to be completely honest sir, you could lose a few pounds.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a fat bastard.
Daddy Pig: Did you hear that Mummy Sheep?! This poxy waitress here thinks I’m fat!
Mummy Sheep: Well, you are a bit fat…
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!!!! I AM AS THIN AS A BREADSTICK!
Miss Rabbit: Oh! And I almost forgot, here are your jumbo breadsticks!
[Miss Rabbit throws some massive breadsticks down on the table. Daddy Pig stands up and flips the table over.]
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: RIGHT THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! I AM NOT FAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! AND FUCK THE OLIVE GARDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut back to the present. Daddy Pig is viciously punching the punching bag.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh my Neptune! Daddy Pig is doing it!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is actually doing some exercise!
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT FAT!
Larry: I can’t believe it! He’s actually doing it!
Daddy Pig: TAKE THIS YOU STUPID FAT-SHAMERS!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[Cut to Daddy Pig in hospital.]
Daddy Pig: Ugh… what happened?
Dr. Brown Bear: You had a heart attack, Mr. Pig.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Too much sudden exercise, I suspect.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig’s body isn’t used to him doing so much exercise, that he gave himself a heart attack!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Not gonna lie, it was a close one Mr. Pig. More strain on the body like that, and you could be gone for good!
Mummy Sheep: Aw… I’m sorry for calling you fat, Daddy Pig. I promise that I won’t ever make you exercise again!
Daddy Pig: It’s okay, Mummy Sheep… But I guess a little exercise could be healthy, right?
SpongeBob: Yeah… your tummy’s still a bit big.
Daddy Pig: MY TUMMY IS NOT BIG!
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in fits of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob loves fat-shaming Daddy Pig! Everyone loves fat-shaming Daddy Pig!
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E7: Hop (2022) [April 17, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of Daddy Pig’s office at night. Daddy Pig and Mr. Rabbit enter the elevator.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is Daddy Pig’s Office. Daddy Pig and Mr. Rabbit are just leaving work for the holidays.
Daddy Pig: Um, down please.
Mr. Rabbit: Of course.
[Mr. Rabbit presses the ground floor button.]
Elevator Voice: Going down…
[The doors close and the elevator starts going down.]
Mr. Rabbit: So, any plans for the Easter weekend, Mr. Pig?
Daddy Pig: Oh! Why yes actually, thank you. I’ve finally saved up enough money to buy a car of my own!
Mr. Rabbit: Oh wow!
Daddy Pig: Yeah, Mummy Pig still has my old one, I could do with an upgrade anyway.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is still living with SpongeBob because Mummy Pig killed him our of her house.
[The elevator reaches the ground floor and the two walk out into the lobby.]
Daddy Pig: And you, Mr. Rabbit?
Mr. Rabbit: What?
Daddy Pig: Do you have any plans for the Easter weekend?
Mr. Rabbit: Oh, um… not really. I’m just… seeing family, you know. That sort of thing.
Daddy Pig: Oh… right.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: So I guess I’ll see you on Monday, then?
Mr. Rabbit: See you on Monday!
[The two part ways. Daddy Pig walks off, while Mr. Rabbit drives off in his car. Exterior shot of Mr. Rabbit’s house: a large hill with lots of burrows inside. Mr. Rabbit hops out of his car and walks down one of the burrows.]
Mr. Rabbit: Ugh that Daddy Pig can be a right old twat sometimes…
[Mr. Rabbit enters the living room. Mummy Rabbit is on the couch breastfeeding babies Rosie and Robbie, while Richard Rabbit is playing Roblox on his iPad.]
Mummy Rabbit: Gosh, you’re home early Mr. Rabbit!
Mr. Rabbit: Well, we only have three days until Easter Sunday, and we still have lots of work to do!
Mummy Rabbit: By us, you mean those Chinese people in the sweatshop, right?
[Mr. Rabbit and Mummy Rabbit laugh.]
Mr. Rabbit: God I love slavery.
Richard: Mummy? Can you buy me some Robux pwease? It’s only £50!
Mummy Rabbit: shut the fuck up richard
[Loud drumming can be heard from down the hallway.]
Mummy Rabbit: What the hell is that dreadful noise?
Mr. Rabbit: Ugh… I’ll go see to this.
[Cut to Rebecca Rabbit’s bedroom. Rebecca Rabbit is loudly playing the drums.]
Rebecca: WE GOT A, NUMBER ONE VICTORY ROYALE! YEAH FORTNITE WE’RE ‘BOUT TO GET DOWN (GET DOWN)! TEN KILLS ON THE BOARD RIGHT NOW, JUST WIPED OUT TOMATO TOWN!
[Mr. Rabbit enters.]
Mr. Rabbit: Rebecca?
Rebecca: MY FRIEND JUST GOT DOWNED! I REVIVED HIM, NOW WE’RE HEADING SOUTHBOUND!
Mr. Rabbit: Rebecca?
Rebecca: NOW WE’RE IN THE PLEASANT PARK STREETS, LOOK AT THE MAP GO TO THE MARKED SHEETS! TAKE ME TO YOUR XBOX TO PLAY FORTNITE TOD-
[Mr. Rabbit snatches one of the drumsticks from Rebecca and snaps it in half.]
Mr. Rabbit: REBECCAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Pause…]
Rebecca: Dad, what the fuck?
Mr. Rabbit: You weren’t listening to me, Rebecca! God you are so entitled these days!
Rebecca: Dad, I was just drumming!
Mr. Rabbit: Of course you were sweetie, my bad. It’s not like, um, I don’t know, it’s not like you’re ABOUT TO BE CROWNED THE EASTER BUNNY TOMORROW! YOU SHOULD BE REHEARSING YOUR BIG SPEECH! Tomorrow is Good Friday and all our family is gonna be there! Miss Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Lola Bunny, the Energizer Bunny-
Rebecca: Ugh, Dad… how many times do we have to go through this?! I don’t want to be the Easter Bunny! I want to be a drummer… in a band! I want to see the world, you know?
Mr. Rabbit: B-b-but- the Easter Bunny sees the entire world in one night! …unless there’s another Granolavirus outbreak before Easter Sunday, of course.
Rebecca: (sighs) Dad, you know this isn’t what I want…
Mr. Rabbit: Rebecca, my dear… the Easter Bunny is a title that has been passed down through this family for generations! It doesn’t just end because some rabbit wants to… what did you say, again? Drum in a band? (smirks) That’s not a proper job, Rebecca. Why don’t you go into structural engineering like me, eh? Build houses and stuff?
[Pause…]
Rebbeca: I don’t want to be the Easter Bunny.
Mr. Rabbit: But Rebecca-
Rebbeca: I don’t want to be the Easter Bunny!
Mr. Rabbit: But-
Rebbeca: I DON’T WANT TO BE THE EASTER BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Rabbit: …you are going to be the Easter Bunny whether you like it or not. Now, I suggest you pack up or this drumming shit and meet us in the dining room for dinner.
[Mr. Rabbit walks out and slams the door behind him. Cut to Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and SpongeBob at a car dealership. It is now dark outside.]
Mike: So… adding everything up this car should come to… twelve thousand, four hundred and forty five euro and ninety cents.
Mummy Sheep: …um, British please?
Mike: (sighs) Ten thousand, four hundred and twenty pounds.
Daddy Pig: That’s a bargain! We’ll take it!
Mike: I am glad to hear.
SpongeBob: Hey.. don’t I know you from somewhere?
Mike: Oh, you must know my son Zoltan. Well… he’s my biological son anyway.
SpongeBob: Ah that’s it! So what are you doing working at Grandad Dog’s Car Dealership then?
Mike: Oh this is just a side hustle to help fund my camp.
Mummy Sheep: You own a camp?
Mike: A summer camp, actually. It’s for jewish and disabled children. I haven’t had a lot of people joining recently, though.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mike is a Nazi.
Mike: You wouldn’t be interested in signing anyone up, would you?
Daddy Pig: Oh! My son George is autistic! Maybe he would like to go.
Mike: Excellent.
[Cut to Rebecca Rabbit walking down the highway by herself. It is still night.]
Rebecca: Ugh, I don’t need my dad anyway. If I was still at that adoption centre, none of this would have happened!
[Cut to Daddy Pig driving SpongeBob and Mummy Sheep down the same highway in his new car.]
Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Mummy Sheep: 🎵NOW FROM THE TOP, MAKE IT DROP, THAT’S SOME WET ASS PUSSY! NOW GET A BUCKET AND A MOP, THAT’S SOME WET ASS PUSSY!🎵
[Cut back to Rebecca Rabbit walking down the highway.]
Rebecca: All famous people have struggles before they strike it rich! That lady wrote Harry Potter in a ditch! …where she belongs.
[Cut back to Daddy Pig and everyone in the car.]
Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Mummy Sheep: 🎵I’M TALKING WAP, WAP, WAP, THAT’S SOME WET ASS PUSSY!🎵
[Cut back to Rebecca.]
Rebecca: I just need to find somewhere to stay for a week… maybe a month, somehow become a famous drummer, and then I’ll be set! Yeah… I don’t need to be the Easter Bunny. I just need to-
[Daddy Pig starts speeding down the highway towards Rebbeca.]
Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Mummy Sheep: 🎵MACARONI IN A POT, THAT’S SOME WET ASS PUSS-🎵
Rebecca: -I just need to get into a car accident apparently.
[Daddy Pig fucking runs over Rebecca Rabbit.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear! It looks like Daddy Pig has killed Rebecca Rabbit!
Mummy Sheep: (gasps) Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: It’s not my fault! It’s um… it’s um… this poxy new car’s fault!
[The three hop out of the car and rush over to check on Rebecca.]
Daddy Pig: Er… this isn’t going to go well in court, is it?
SpongeBob: Who cares about what they’re gonna say in court! We just fucking killed someone!
Mummy Sheep: No, no, SpongeBob! We were just the passengers! This was all Daddy Pig’s fault! We had nothing to do with this, SpongeBob. Now come on, let’s go before the police come-
SpongeBob: We can’t just run away!
[SpongeBob starts feeling Rebecca.]
SpongeBob: …she still has a pulse.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Okay, so what the hell do you want us to do then?
Daddy Pig: I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. First of all, we put this poor bunny out of its misery, and then we speed off and pray there aren’t any CCTV cameras around here.
[Daddy Pig picks up a rock and aims it at Rebecca.]
Daddy Pig: Don’t worry, little girl. Daddy Pig’s gonna send you to a better place!
[Rebecca suddenly wakes up.]
Rebecca: What happened? Is this the Heaviside Layer?
[Daddy Pig starts screaming. Rebecca screams back.]
Daddy Pig: THE FUCKER’S STILL ALIVE!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: KILL IT BEFORE IT TELLS ANYONE!
SpongeBob: STOP!!!!!!!!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Have you two lost your minds? We can’t just kill her! We almost ran this poor, innocent bunny over and by some weird fanfiction-y miracle, she is still alive!
[SpongeBob leans over to Rebecca.]
SpongeBob: Are you lost, little girl?
Rebecca: Um… I guess so.
SpongeBob: Aw… you poor, poor thing. See guys? We have to help her!
Daddy Pig: Ugh…. I guess you’re right.
SpongeBob: What’s your name, little girl?
Rebecca: E.B.- I mean… Rebecca.
SpongeBob: What are you doing out this late? Where’s your family, Rebecca?
Rebecca: I, uh… don’t really have a family.
Mummy Sheep: Great! She doesn’t have anyone to snitch on us to!
[Mummy Sheep picks up Rebecca by the ears and starts walking to the edge of the cliff with her.]
Mummy Sheep: Now let’s kill her before!
SpongeBob: MUMMY SHEEP STOP!!!
Rebecca: Wait! Don’t kill me! I’ve got so much to live for! I… I… (grins) Well… I guess if you kill me, then I guess you’ll have to explain to all of the children on Easter morning why they haven’t gotten their Easter baskets.
[Mummy Sheep stops.]
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Are you the… Easter Bunny?
Rebecca: Perhaps…
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Let’s take the thing back to your place, SpongeBob.
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple the next morning. Inside SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Rebecca Rabbit and Gary the Snail 2 are gathered in the lounge.]
SpongeBob: …so are you actually the Easter Bunny?
Rebecca: Well… not technically. I- I’m the daughter of the Easter Bunny.
Gary 2: Pffft, the Easter Bunny doesn’t actually exist. He’s just a myth like Santa Claus and vaccines.
Rebecca: No, really! My Dad’s the Easter Bunny! I’m supposed to be crowned the Easter Bunny today but you see… I don’t really want to be the Easter Bunny… so I ran away.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: (smirks) Your pet snail’s right, SpongeBob. Do you really expect us to believe that she’s the Easter Bunny?
SpongeBob: Wh- why wouldn’t she be?
Mummy Sheep: Well… do we have any proof?
Gary 2: Yeah! If you’re really the Easter Bunny, then prove it!
Rebecca: Well… okay.
[After a pause, Rebecca Rabbit starts heaving.]
Daddy Pig: Um… what is she doing?
SpongeBob: I think she’s… pooping?
[Suddenly, Rebecca shits out some jelly beans.]
Gary 2: Huh. That’s new.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Rebecca Rabbit can shit jelly beans!
Rebecca: Believe me now?
Mummy Sheep: (rolls eyes) I guess…
Daddy Pig: I mean only the Easter Bunny could shit jelly beans!
SpongeBob: …maybe we should settle this over breakfast. Don’t you have an OnlyFans to film or something, Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: Oh right! I almost forgot.
[Cut back to Mr. Rabbit’s house. Mr. Rabbit is crying on a chair in the kitchen.]
Mr. Rabbit: You don’t think I was too harsh on her last night, do you?
Mummy Rabbit: Of course not, darling!
Mr. Rabbit: I just… I just don’t know where she could have ran off to!
Mummy Rabbit: (sighs) I think there’s only one thing for it, love.
Mr. Rabbit: What’s that?
[Close-up of Mummy Rabbit’s face.]
Mummy Rabbit: Send out the penis signal.
[Cut to a searchlight, similar to the Bat-Signal except in the shape of a penis, being cast over a tall shadowy building. PenisMan steps out onto the rooftop.]
PenisMan: I SMELL AN ORGASM!
[Exterior shot of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Rebecca are inside eating breakfast.]
Daddy Pig: Look, Rebecca is it? …I just don’t really understand. Why wouldn’t you wanna be the Easter Bunny?
Rebecca: I don’t know. Ask Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Brian Lynch.
SpongeBob: Who?
Rebecca: Look, if I could just stay with you for a few days… maybe forever, you would be REALLY saving my life!
SpongeBob: Of course! You can stay for as long as you need!
Daddy Pig: What?
Rebecca: THANK YOU!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: So er… what exactly is your plan here?
Rebecca: Well um… I don’t know. I never thought I’d get this f-
SpongeBob: OH MY GOD IS THAT SIMON COWELL?!
[The three turn around and look out into The Krusty Krab window. A bus is parked up with a poster for “Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent” with Simon Cowell’s face on it.]
Daddy Pig: OH MY GOD IT’S SIMON COWELL FROM SCOOB!
Rebecca: THIS IS PERFECT!
SpongeBob: YEAH! I LOVE SCOOB!
Rebecca: No, I mean… I want to be a drummer, you see. If I can impress Simon Cowell from Scoob! on Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent… I could be set for life!
Daddy Pig: I mean, I don’t know. Doesn’t he only really like cancer patients?
Rebecca: I had the sniffles once.
Daddy Pig: That’s close enough I guess.
SpongeBob: (looking on his phone) Guys, look! Auditions are today at the theatre! We go there, Rebecca does the audition… and she’s set!
Rebecca: Perfect!
Daddy Pig: Hmm… what’s in it for us though?
Rebecca: I don’t sue you for almost killing me?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Let’s roll.
[Cut to PenisMan and Mr. Krabs inside Mr. Krabs’ CCTV camera room from Truth or Square?.]
PenisMan: Thanks for letting me check your illegal CCTV, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Don’t mention it, PenisMan.
PenisMan: Why do you have cameras watching everyone in Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World, again?
Mr. Krabs: Um… that’s not important.
[PenisMan starts checking the camera footage.]
PenisMan: Okay, so… if I’m right we should see Rebecca Rabbit running away from home…
[We see footage of Rebecca Rabbit running away from home.]
PenisMan: Here! Now we just have to follow her to… the highway?
[We see Daddy Pig running over Rebecca.]
PenisMan: Wait, is that… Daddy Pig? And… SpongeBob?
Mr. Krabs: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG SHOT REBECCA RABBIT!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: This isn’t a murder mystery. Have you seen SpongeBob and Daddy Pig by any chance?
Mr. Krabs: As a matter of fact, they were getting breakfast in here earlier. With some bunny thing or something I don’t know. They were talking about that film SCOOB!. Great movie. Apparently that guy, um… Steve Cow is having a talent show today or something.
PenisMan: Well… thank you for your help, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: My pleasure. Now, that’ll be $50.
PenisMan: (sighs) Do you take Peniscoin?
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom theatre. Cut to the inside where various performers are auditioning on stage for Simon Cowell and fellow judge Ian Hawke.]
Zoltan’s Mum: NO! I’M NOT GONNA GIVE UP YET! If fish can live underwater, then so can I!
[Zoltan’s Mum drowns. Simon Cowell presses a large red buzzer.]
Gary 2: 🎵I suck his dick with a smile, for hours at a time-🎵
[Simon Cowell presses the buzzer again.]
Sikowitz: So um… pedophilia, am I right?
[Simon Cowell presses the buzzer again. Rebecca Rabbit walks onto stage.]
Simon Cowell: (groans) Name?
Rebecca: Um… Rebecca Rabbit.
Ian Hawke: And how old are you, Rebecca?
Rebecca: I am, uh… five years old.
Ian Hawke: Five years old, right. And what are you gonna do for us today, Rebecca?
[Rebecca nervously looks off-stage. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig give her a thumbs up.]
Rebecca: I’m, uh… going to be doing some drumming.
Simon Cowell: Some drumming, eh? Well, we’re ready than you are, Rebecca.
Rebecca: (gulps) Okay…
[After a pause, Rebecca starts playing a drum cover of the hit song “Chug Jug WIth You”.]
Got a number one victory royale
Yeah fortnite we bout to get down (get down)
Ten kills on the board right now
Just wiped out tomato town
My friends just go down
I’ve revived him now we’re heading south bound
Now we’re in the pleasant park streets
Look at the map go to the mark sheets
Take me to your Xbox to play fortnite today
You can take me to moist mire but not loot lake
I would really love to, chug with you
We can be pro fortnite game-
Ian Hawke: STOP!
[Rebecca stops drumming.]
Daddy Pig: Wh- what happened?
Rebecca: Did I- …did I do something wrong?
[Pause.]
Simon Cowell: Do you have cancer or anything?
[Pause.]
Rebecca: I, um-
[Daddy Pig rushes onto the stage.]
Daddy Pig: YES! YES! She, um… has a very mild… thing going on that um… if she isn’t treated soon she COULD DIE!
Rebecca: I could?
Daddy Pig: YES! YES! You’re going to die, Rebecca! But, um… you see, Mr. Cowell… it was always her wish to be on Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent so er… here we are!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Heh. Yeah, her last dying wish.
[After a pause, Simon Cowell stands up and presses the golden buzzer.]
Simon Cowell: YOU’RE THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND!
[Rebecca, Daddy Pig and SpongeBob starts celebrating.]
Rebecca: WOOOH!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: YEAH! WE DID IT!
Daddy Pig: Well I am a bit of an expert at pretending to have cancer.
SpongeBob: wait wut
Daddy Pig: Nothing.
Simon Cowell: Look, Rebecca, your story… is beautiful. You need to come to the live taping of the show, tomorrow.
Rebecca: Tomorrow?
Simon Cowell: Tomorrow. I’ll send an Uber.
[Pause.]
Rebecca: Ummm…. Okay!
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple at night. Cut to the inside, where SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Rebecca and Gary 2 are watching TV.]
Rebecca: -and I was all like DRUMFUBYGKULIDHGYJUH2DGWYFNVBILUKGTRHFCBGNHUILYTFBGHJKUYGHULIHG! And Simon Cowell was like YOU’RE THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND! And it couldn’t have gone better! (laughs)
Gary 2: I don’t understand cancer patients. Why can’t they just… not have cancer? I don’t get it!
SpongeBob: (yawns) Ight, Imma head out for the night. See y’all for Rebecca’s big day tomorrow.
Daddy Pig: Night SpongeBob.
Rebecca: Night SpongeBob.
Gary 2: Good riddance SpongeBob.
[SpongeBob walks upstairs.]
Daddy Pig: (snorts) And to think I wanted to kill you earlier, Rebecca! I’m gonna be able to add someone else to the list of people I know that have been on TV!
[Cut back to the Bikini Bottom Theatre. Simon Cowell is cleaning up.]
Simon Cowell: Whew. What a day.
[PenisMan enters.]
PenisMan: Excuse me sir, are you a cow?
Simon Cowell: No.
PenisMan: Aw.
Simon Cowell: But I am a Cowell.
PenisMan: That’s close enough. Have you seen anyone that looks like… (pulls out a picture of Rebecca Rabbit, SpongeBob and Daddy Pig) this recently?
[Pause.]
Simon Cowell: Do you have cancer?
PenisMan: I-
Simon Cowell: Then I refuse to tell you.
PenisMan: Your loss.
Simon Cowell: Look mate, I’m not doing so good financially recently. The X Factor got cancelled and I mean… look, I was in SCOOB! for the love of God! SCOOB! Who agrees to be in SCOOB!?
PenisMan: I like SCOOB!
Simon Cowell: Thanks, but… this Rebecca is really talented and I kind of really need her in my show tomorrow.
PenisMan: So you know where she is?
Simon Cowell: NO! That’s not what I said-
PenisMan: You said she’s in your show tomorrow.
[Pause.]
Simon Cowell: (groans) Yes, she’s in the show tomorrow. If you really must know, I think the three of them are staying together or something. I really don’t know.
PenisMan: …thanks for your help.
Simon Cowell: a
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The night sky fades into the morning. Cut to the inside, where Rebecca Rabbit is wandering around the kitchen. No one else is awake.]
Rebecca: (yawns) I wonder if SpongeBob has any Cheerios.
???: -and the search continues for one young Rebecca Rabbit who-
[Rebecca Rabbit slowly starts walking into the living room. A news report is playing on the TV. Daddy Pig is on the couch fast asleep.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -mysteriously disappeared from her own this Easter weekend. According to local authorities, and by local authorities I of course mean PenisMan, Rebecca Rabbit was kidnapped by two armed and dangerous madmen known as “SpongeBob SquarePants” and… am I saying this right? “Daddy Pig”.
Daddy Pig: (in his sleep) But it’s Saturday, Mummy Pig. Isn’t it?
[Suddenly, Rebecca Rabbit notices PenisMan outside the window.]
Rebecca: GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!!
[Rebecca runs into the kitchen.]
Rebecca: I gotta, um… I gotta-
[A knocking is heard on the front door.]
???: (off-screen) Uber for… “Rebecca Rabbit”? It’s Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent.
[Pause.]
Rebecca: I don’t think SpongeBob and Daddy Pig will mind if I go on without them, right?
[Rebecca grabs a Tesco Turkey from one of SpongeBob’s cupboards, puts her jacket on it and runs outside.]
Ian Hawke: Ah, Rebecca!
[Rebecca hops into the Uber and it drives off. Daddy Pig approaches the front door.]
Daddy Pig: Huh, that’s weird. Must have left the front door open.
[SpongeBob walks up to Daddy Pig from behind.]
SpongeBob: Hey, have you seen Rebecca?
[Suddenly, a dart is shot at Daddy Pig and he falls to the floor.]
SpongeBob: Um… Daddy Pi-
[Another dart is shot at SpongeBob, and he blacks out too.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have been knocked unconscious!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig waking up in Mr. Rabbit’s house.]
Daddy Pig: Ugh… where am I? What year is it?
SpongeBob: Is The Rock presiden?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: What? He’s hot.
Mr. Rabbit: You people make me sick!
SpongeBob: Oh great a homophobe.
Mr. Rabbit: No, not that! I’m talking about you killing my daughter!
Daddy Pig: Killing… your daughter?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Ohhhhhhhhhh! You mean Rebecca Rabbit!
Daddy Pig: Wait, Rebecca Rabbit is your daughter, Mr. Rabbit?
Mr. Rabbit: Um… didn’t you know?
Daddy Pig: Wait, doesn’t that mean your the Easter Bunny? My best friend is the Easter Bunny?!
Mr. Rabbit: You killed my daughter, stop changing the subject.
SpongeBob: But… we didn’t kill Rebecca!
Daddy Pig:You see… we WERE gonna kill her… but we changed our minds.
PenisMan: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOUR!
SpongeBob: Wait, we’re not in court, are we?
PenisMan: Nah, I’ve just always wanted to say that.
Daddy Pig: Wait, PenisMan?
PenisMan: Oh hey SpongeBob and Daddy Pig. How’s it going?
SpongeBob: Everything’s great actually.
Daddy Pig: Mummy Sheep is good in bed.
SpongeBob: I’m not sure why we were tranquilised and taken to Rebecca Rabbit’s dad’s house though. Where is Rebecca anyway?
PenisMan: Good question. Um… well… maybe this will jog your memory.
[PenisMan pulls out a pot containing the Tesco turkey.]
SpongeBob: GAH!
Daddy Pig: LOL! That Tesco turkey has Rebecca’s jacket on!
Mr. Rabbit: That’s not a Tesco turkey, you plonker! That’s my daughter! And YOU killed her!
SpongeBob: What?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Rabbit and PenisMan think SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have killed Rebecca.
PenisMan: I… I… I thought we were friends, SpongeBob and Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: But we are!
Daddy Pig: This is all just a big misunderstanding, I swear! That is obviously a Tesco turkey!
PenisMan: Looks like a cooked Rebecca Rabbit to me.
SpongeBob: …how?! That’s obviously a turkey! That looks nothing like a rabbit!
Mr. Rabbit: But it has to be a rabbit! It has Rebecca’s jacket on!
SpongeBob: Maybe Rebecca put her jacket on the turkey, and ran off, framing us for her murder!
Daddy Pig: Why would she do that?
SpongeBob: I-
Daddy Pig: Like, literally why would she do that? In terms of the plot that doesn’t make any sense at all.
SpongeBob: I don’t know. Ask Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Brian Lynch.
[Cut to Rebecca Rabbit in a dressing room getting ready for Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent.]
Rebecca: Why the hell did I put my jacket on a Tesco turkey and run off, framing SpongeBob and Daddy Pig for murder? Like, literally why would I do that? In terms of the plot that doesn’t make any sense at all.
[A knock is heard on the door. Simon Cowell enters.]
Simon Cowell: Hey my number one cancer patient. You ready for the big show?
Rebecca: I’m not sure.
Simon Cowell: Ah, the jitters. I see. It happens to the best of us, you’ll be great!
Rebecca: No, I mean… I’m just feeling a bit guilty.
Simon Cowell: …talk to me.
Rebecca: …well, before I got here I may or may not have framed my two new best friends for my murder.
Simon Cowell: Yeah, and?
Rebecca: You’re not phased by that at all?
Simon Cowell: Not really. Show’s starting soon, come on.
Rebecca: Mr. Cowell… with all due respect I’ve made a mistake. I need to go and rescue my friends.
Simon Cowell: But- but… what about the show?! I need you for the publicity!
Rebecca: (stands up) I’m sorry Simon, I loved you in SCOOB! but my friends need my help.
[Pause.]
Simon Cowell: Alright, I see how it is.
[Pause.]
Simon Cowell: Go save your friends.
[Cut back to Mr. Rabbit’s house.]
Mr. Rabbit: IT IS NOT A TESCO TURKEY!
SpongeBob: BUT IT IS!
Mr. Rabbit: THAT IS MY DAUGHTER!
Daddy Pig: HOW THE FUCK IS IT YOUR DAUGHTER? THAT IS OBVIOUSLY A TURKEY!
Mr. Rabbit: IF IT’S NOT MY DAUGHTER, THEN WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!
[Rebecca Rabbit walks in.]
Rebecca: ‘sup motherfuckers
Mr. Rabbit: Rebecca!
[Mr. Rabbit runs towards Rebecca and hugs her.]
Mr. Rabbit: I have been so worried about you!
PenisMan: What? But- if you didn’t kill Rebecca Rabbit… eh who gives a shit.
Rebecca: SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, listen… I am so sorry.
SpongeBob: It’s okay. If I had to, I would have framed you for my murder too.
Rebecca: Really?
SpongeBob: No, not really.
Mr. Rabbit: So… what happened?
Rebecca: Well… I didn’t want to be the Easter Bunny, so I ran off to be a drummer. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig ran me over, but then let me stay with them so they wouldn’t get sued. And then I auditioned for Bikini Bottom’s Got Talent and-
Mr. Rabbit: Rebecca, I am so sorry… I am so sorry that I wanted you to be the Easter Bunny. I was so focused on tradition that I forgot to-
Rebecca: Nah I don’t care.
Mr. Rabbit: wait wut
Rebecca: Drumming is stupid anyway, I can be the Easter Bunny if you want.
Mr. Rabbit: Doesn’t that kind of go against the moral of this story?
Rebecca: Kind of.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: So… are we all good?
Mr. Rabbit: All good.
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab on Easter Sunday. SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Gary 2, Mr. Rabbit and PenisMan are eating together.]
Daddy Pig: I still can’t believe my best friend is the Easter Bunny!
Mr. Rabbit: Was the Easter Bunny, you mean. Rebecca should still be delivering Easter baskets to children all over the world right now! Which reminds me, I’ve got a little something for everyone.
[Mr. Rabbit pulls out a bag of Easter eggs.]
Mummy Sheep: Aw! Thanks Mr. Rabbit!
PenisMan: I’m so glad Jesus Christ died for our sins so it could be socially acceptable to gorge on chocolate and get diabetes for one whole weekend.
SpongeBob: Awwww! Mr. Rabbit, you shouldn’t have!
Mr. Rabbit: It’s my pleasure.
SpongeBob: No, you really shouldn’t have. Gary 2’s allergic to chocolate and Daddy Pig is trying to watch his weight.
Gary 2: I’m allergic to dark chocolate, white chocolate is fine.
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Gary the Snail 2 loves being racist. Everyone loves being racist!
[Fade to black.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E8: Father Ham [April 22, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob is watching TV. Gary 2 slithers in.]
Gary 2: PAPABOB! PAPABOB! PAPABOB!
SpongeBob: What?!
Gary 2: THEY JUST ADDED THE PROWLER INTO FORTNITE!
SpongeBob: They added who into what now?
Gary 2: (rolls eyes) Ugh, you wouldn’t understand. I just need some extra money to get some V-Bucks, okay?! You know, seeing as your the best snail owner ever and everything.
SpongeBob: Aww…. how could I say no to that cute ickle face of yours?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Like this apparently. Sorry Gary but you’ve already used up your monthly allowance.
Gary 2: THANK YOU PAPABOB YOU’RE THE BE- wait, what the fuck-
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, Gary. You’ll just have to wait a little longer.
Gary 2: But- But- I need it NOW!
[Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: What’s this?
Gary 2: Daddy Pig! My favorite pig who also just so happens to be a daddy! Give me your credit card!
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?
SpongeBob: Ugh, he wants some V-Bucks or something and I told him no because we’re trying to save money.
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry Gary 2, but I just blew a load of cash on that new car I got last episode.
Gary 2: Come on! Surely we’re not THAT broke!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… heh, money’s such a sensitive subject you know and-
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are broke.
Daddy Pig: Hmm… I guess thinking about it we could do with a little extra money. That Patrick fella seems to be doing all right in the money side of things. What does he do for a living?
SpongeBob: He lives on benefits.
Daddy Pig: LOL! WHAT A PLONKER!
Gary 2: Wait, that’s a FANTASTIC idea! We should apply for benefits too!
SpongeBob: But Daddy Pig and I both have jobs. I work at The Krusty Krab and he’s a structural engineer.
Gary 2: Well that’s a bit stupid, innit bruv?
Daddy Pig: Well then, in that case I guess what we need to do then is get ourselves some NEW jobs! We need something big, something that makes a lot of money, something-
[Cut to Daddy Pig placing a large sign with a wooden cross on at the front of SpongeBob’s house.]
SpongeBob: “Welcome to the Church of Daddy Pig”?
Daddy Pig: Listen, SpongeBob, this is the best idea in the history of ideas! We both become priests and charge people to come and confess their sins or whatever. It’s fool-proof!
SpongeBob: I’m, uh… not sure this is legal.
Gary 2: Pffft, who cares about whether or not it’s legal.
Sikowitz: That’s what I tried telling them in court, but they wouldn’t listen to me!
SpongeBob: Who are you again?
Sikowitz: I am a pedophile.
SpongeBob: Oh okay.
Sikowitz: I’m a bit of an expert at being a pedophile, actually.
Daddy Pig: (snorts) That’s my line!
Sikowitz: That you’re a bit of an expert at being a pedophile?
Daddy Pig: Um-
SpongeBob: (turns to the camera) The makers of this programme would like to point out that they do not endorse or support pedophilia in any way, shape of form. After all, pedophilia is not the Daddy Pig way!
Daddy Pig: Damn right!
[Daddy Derek and Cool Cat walk by.]
Sikowitz: Dere he is!
Daddy Derek: Oh hey Erwin!
Sikowitz: Hey Daddy Derek, hey Cool Cat. What are you two doing here?
Daddy Pig: You know these people?
Sikowitz: Oh yeah, we go way back.
Cool Cat: I’m Cool Cat, and I love ALL kids!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Cool Cat is also a pedophile.
Cool Cat: Daddy Derek and I are just doing boogie woogie-ing! Hahahahaha!
Daddy Derek: Hey, what’s this here you’re doing?
Daddy Pig: Oh, (snorts) this is a new church I’m building.
Daddy Derek: A new church? Good golly, that's fantastic news! The old church I used to use is full of punk trolls, so Cool Cat and I have been looking for a new place to go and do some WAP.
Sikowitz: WAP?
Daddy Derek: Yeah, you know, some Worship And Prayer.
[Bubble transition to Daddy Pig inside SpongeBob’s house, which has now been converted into a church, giving a Sunday service.]
Daddy Pig: Ahem, thank you all for coming to the first ever Sunday semen at the newly erected Church of Daddy Pig!
SpongeBob: Um, Daddy Pig? I think it’s actually “Sunday sermon”.
Daddy Pig: Shut up, SpongeBob, who’s the priest here?
SpongeBob: Um? You are, Father Ham?
Daddy Pig: Yes, now let an expert priest do, um… priest-y things.
Daddy Derek: Um, Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: That’s Father Ham to you.
Daddy Derek: Have you actually ever been to church before?
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Of course I have! I am a devoted Christian.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has never been to church in his life.
Daddy Pig: Shut up you wanker! So, um… as I was saying, I’ll think we’ll start off this service with a little reading from the bible.
[Daddy Pig opens a book.]
Daddy Pig: Now if you could all turn to page-
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig that’s a porno.
Daddy Pig: Shit!
[Daddy Pig opens the real bible.]
Daddy Pig: Anyway, as I was saying, if you could all turn to Deutoronomy 2:1 ESV, “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
[Pause.]
Cool Cat: Wow! The bible is exquisite!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Gary 2 walking around the church collecting donations. Dr. Brown Bear puts in £5.]
Gary 2: A fiver? Is that really all you’ve got mate?
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m uh saving money for a holiday with my boyfrien-
Gary 2: Saving money my ass. Do you want to get into Heaven or not?
Dr. Brown Bear: Alright, alright! Just take my wallet and leave me alone!
[Dr. Brown Bear puts his wallet in the pot and runs off. Cut to SpongeBob approaching Scott the Woz, Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs with a pot.]
Scott the Woz: Sorry SpongeBob, I blew all my money on Flingsmash.
Jeb Jab: Yeah, and I blew all my money on Gex.
Rex Mohs: This pot will help the economy, right?
SpongeBob: Uh… sure?
[Rex Mohs puts a hundred dollar bill in the pot.]
Rex Mohs: God I wanna fuck the economy.
Jeb Jab: I thought you hated sex.
Rex Mohs: Not on Sunday.
[Suddenly, Police Officer Panda and Police Officer Squirrel burst through the doors.]
Sikowitz: SHIT IT’S THE FEDS! I DIDN’T TOUCH THOSE CHILDREN, I SWEAR!
Police Officer Panda: Peppa Pig World P.D.! Come out with your hands up!
Daddy Pig: (puts his hands up) Come out? But I’m a proud HETEROSEXUAL!
[Everyone else puts their hands up.]
Police Officer Panda: We’ve caught wind of their being an illegal church here.
Daddy Derek: ILLEGAL CHURCH? Surely it’s not a crime to worship God!
Police Officer Squirrel: Well no, but this building is registered as a house and not a non-profit.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Sorry I don’t understand.
Police Officer Squirrel: You’re committing tax fraud.
Daddy Pig: Wait, officers! Isn’t there something we can do?
Police Officer Panda: Like what?
Daddy Pig: Like, um…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Aha! How about I give you all the money in this pot, and you let us all go.
Police Officer Squirrel: Mr. Pig, are you… are you attempting to bribe a pair of police officers?
Daddy Pig: Er…
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is in a lot of trouble.
[Pause. The police officers start laughing.]
Police Officer Squirrel: I’m joking, I’m joking! This pot of cash should be fine, but all this church stuff needs to come down.
SpongeBob: Of course, officers.
Police Office Panda: (takes the pot) We won’t speak of this again.
Police Officer Squirrel: Cheerio!
[The two police officers walk off with the money, laughing.]
Gary 2: …well this sucks. They took all our money!
Rex Mohs: But what about the economy?
Scott the Woz: I FUCKING HATE RELIGION AND I’M MOVING TO BLOONS!
Dr. Brown Bear: Come on guys, let’s go.
[Everyone except SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Gary 2 and Sikowitz leaves.]
Daddy Pig: WAIT! NO! Don’t go! The power of Christ compels you! Come back!
SpongeBob: (sighs) Sorry Gary 2, looks like you’re not getting your V-Bucks.
Daddy Pig: Forget the V-Bucks, we’re still completely broke!
Sikowitz: (sipping on some coconut milk) Completely broke, eh?
Daddy Pig: Oh great the nonce is still here.
Sikowitz: Indeed I am. You know, if you want to make a bit of cash… I kinda sorta maybe got kicked out of my house recently and, well you know…
Daddy Pig: You want somewhere to stay?
Sikowitz: Well, I don’t want to be a burden but… yeah I’m kinda homeless right now I need shelter. You know, only if you were okay with it. You guys seem cool, I have a paying job.
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig start whispering to each other, before turning back to Sikowitz.]
SpongeBob: Sounds great to me!
Sikowitz: YES! I promise you won’t regret this.
Daddy Pig: You have to pay though. In cash.
Sikowitz: Of course, um… sorry what’s your name?
Daddy Pig: Pig. Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: And I’m SpongeBob!
Gary 2: I am in this show too.
SpongeBob: And you are?
Sikowitz: Sikowitz. Mr. Erwin Sikowitz.
SpongeBob: I mean we don’t we really have anywhere for you to sleep besides my sofa, but apart from that the only other condition is that you don’t be a pedophile!
[Pause.]
Sikowitz: for fuck’s sake
[Fade to black]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E9: Boris Johnson's House Party [April 26, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Cut to the present day; Perch Perkins is presenting the news on TV.]
Perch Perkins: BREAKING NEWS - Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just been fined for breaking lockdown restrictions!
[Boris Johnson throws a Peppa Pig plushie at the TV and it smashes.]
Boris Johnson: FUCKING WANKERS!!!!!!!!!
Carrie Johnson: Calm down, dear.
Boris Johnson: No, you don’t understand! We broke the rules and now they’re not going to want me as prime minister anymore!
Carrie Johnson: I mean it’s not that big of a deal. You only wanted to be prime minister anyway to compensate from you smaller than average di-
Boris Johnson: -sbelief in the Labour party!
Carrie Johnson: Yeah, and also because you have a small dick.
Boris Johnson: I know, I know. I should really get circumcised some day.
Carrie Johnson: Just calm down, love. Here, I’ll put on your favourite show.
[Carrie Johnson passes Boris an iPad with Peppa Pig on it. Cut to Perch Perkins interviewing Jacob. Rees-Mogg.]
Perch Perkins: This is getting quite difficult for the prime minister, isn’t it?
[Pause.]
Rees-Mogg: …no, it isn’t.
Perch Perkins: But it’s pretty clear that he set the rules… and then broke the rules.
Rees-Mogg: No, I think you misunderstand what’s happened. Um, the prime minister thought what he was doing was within the rules… and the police thought otherwise. And this is just like the DRS system in cricket. That sometimes the batsman, in good faith, thinks he’s not out LBW, sometimes the umpire thinks he’s not out in good faith. It goes to the third umpire who thinks he’s out and then the batsman accepts the decision. It’s exactly what’s happened to the prime minister.
[Pause.]
Perch Perkins: Sir, we’re talking about partygate-
Rees-Mogg: I’d love to stay and chat but unfortunately I do have to go to the House of Commons and-
Perch Perkins: To do what? Have a lie down?
Rees-Mogg: Well I- um… I must go and-
[Cut to Perch Perkins interviewing Boris Johnson]
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson, you have admitted to breaking Granolavirus lockdown restrictions which you yourself put in place, and now have been fined following a formal investigation. Do you have anything you would like to say to the United Kingdom, Peppa Pig World and Bikini Bottom?
Boris Johnson: Well, um…you see I do sincerely apologise for having an informal gathering consisting of a small group of people including my colleagues and friends on the day that just so happened to be my birthday and-
Perch Perkins: I think that’s called a birthday party.
Boris Johnson: What?
Perch Perkins: You just described a birthday party.
Boris Johnson: Well, um yeah I may have had a small gathering on the day of my birth, but I can assure you that at the time I was completely under the impression that I was NOT breaking my own Granolavirus lockdown restrictions and I can assure this country that it will not happen again.
Perch Perkins: So Mr. Johnson, whether or not you supposedly believed it at the time the government has admitted to breaking its own laws in a time of national sacrifice. This will make a lot of people lose faith in your government. What are you going to do next? Are you going to resig-
Boris Johnson: Well um Mr. Perkins, I- I thought about this long and hard, for a whole two minutes actually, and I have decided NOT to resign as prime minister. The crisis in Ukraine at the moment is simply too serious to-
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson we’re not-
Boris Johnson: -not helping the war cause enough? You are exactly right, Mr. Perkins-
Perch Perkins: -that’s not what I said-
Boris Johnson: From today forth, the UK will be helping to strengthen Ukraine’s capability to make sure Putin’s brutal invasion fails.
[Cut back to Boris Johnson in his home.]
Boris Johnson: (on the phone) Of course I still love you, son.
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: (on the phone) Which one are you again? …look, sorry I must go. I’ll send you an M&S gift card or something soon I don’t know. Bye, love you! (hangs up)
Carrie Johnson: You’re not gonna resign because of the war in Ukraine? What the fuck were you thinking, Boris? We have switched prime ministers during a fucking world war before, Boris! You need to get it together!
Boris Johnson: (sighs) I know, dear. It’s just, I did everything in my power to make sure people forgot about this whole mess, and… clearly nothing worked. I can’t believe I shot Suzy Sheep for nothing.
[Pause.]
Carrie Johnson: You what?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: I, uh… nothing! Nothing!
Carrie Johnson: You’re the one who shot Suzy Sheep?
Boris Johnson: I, uh… would you like a cup of tea?
Carrie Johnson: Ugh, I can’t believe you sometimes!
Boris Johnson: She was just a sheep!
Carrie Johnson: That sheep was an LGBTQ+ icon! She did more for this country than you ever have. You know what? …I can’t fucking stand this anymore. I’m leaving.
[Carrie Johnson puts her coat on and starts walking towards the door.]
Boris Johnson: Wait, Carrie! No! I’ll do anything! I’ll get the penis enlargement surgery! I’ll-
Carrie Johnson: Boris… it’s not about the size, it’s about how you use it.
[Carrie Johnson walks out and slams the door. Priti Patel walks in.]
Priti Patel: You do have a small dick though, just saying.
Boris Johnson: I KNOW I HAVE A SMALL DICK!!!!!
Priti Patel: Jesus Christ, you’re acting like your wife just left you or something.
[Pause.]
Priti Patel: …oh.
Boris Johnson: She found out about Suzy.
Priti Patel: (sighs) I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Alexander.
Boris Johnson: My name’s Boris.
Priti Patel: Sure. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Besides, it could be worse.
Boris Johnson: How could it be worse?! People don’t trust me anymore.
Priti Patel: No one ever trusted you. At least you don’t have some guy named Alan messaging you every five minutes for feet pictures.
Boris Johnson: True.
[Priti Patel passes Boris a joint.]
Priti Patel: Weed?
[CrazySponge walks in.]
CrazySponge: aw fuck yeah
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E10: Ye Olde SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Part One: Cartoon Fan-Pig [May 1, 2022] {MrDaGuy} † ===
[Opens with a shot of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Look, Daddy Pig! They now have bacon patties at the Krusty Krab!
[Daddy Pig runs away, screaming]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is scared because he’s made out of bacon.
SpongeBob: huh
[Cut to Daddy Pig running into SpongeBob’s House]
Daddy Pig: I gotta take my mind off of this!
Gary 2: Meow.
Daddy Pig: I’m gonna go make some pretz-
Gary 2: Isn’t that how Gary 1 died?
Daddy Pig: Uhh.... Nevermind. I’m gonna go watch some TV!
[Daddy Pig turns on the TV]
Announcer: And now... ToonHeads: The Lost Cartoons!
Daddy Pig: 0:
Narrator: Daddy Pig watches to much TV.
Daddy Pig: (Murmuring) I wish you where died...
[Cut back to the Krusty Krab, Mummy Sheep walks into the Krusty Krab.]
Mummy Sheep: Is Daddy Pig here?
SpongeBob: Nope.
Squidward: He ran away screaming after finding out that the Krusty Krab now had bacon patties.
Mummy Sheep: Oh, ok. *walks out of the Krusty Krab*
French Narrator: Later That Evening...
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? Daddy Pig, are you home?
[SpongeBob sees light coming from the living room, a voice comes from the TV.]
Announcer: And now, we return to Old Cartoons 24/7!
Daddy Pig: Oh boy!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig! There you are! I was worried sick!
Daddy Pig: Shhhh! I’m watching TV!
SpongeBob: *walks away and goes into kitchen* I gotta find out what he’s been up to!
Gary 2: meow
SpongeBob: huh
[The TV starts to shake]
Daddy Pig: IT’S GONNA BLOW!!!
SpongeBb: Ahhhhhh!
[They both get sucked into the TV]
French Narrator: To be continued...
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E11: Ye Olde SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Part Two: The Cartoon Graveyard [May 1, 2022] {MrDaGuy} † ===
Peppa Pig Narrator: Previously on The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show...
(A montage of clips from the previous episode play)
SpongeBob: Look Daddy Pig, they have bacon patties!
Gary 2: Isn’t that how Gary 1 died...
Announcer: And now, back to Old Cartoons 24/7!
(Daddy Pig and SpongeBob get sucked into the TV)
(Montage ends, and the intro plays)
Daddy Pig: What happened?
Bosko: Huh? Hey Oswald, two new folks are here!
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit: What? Let me see!
(Oswald walks over to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig)
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit: Ah! A Sponge and a Pig! We have none of those here in the cartoon graveyard already!
SpongeBob and Daddy Pig: Cartoon graveyard?
Bosko: It’s where old and retired cartoon characters live!
SpongeBob: But we’re not old!
Daddy Pig: And I don’t think we’re retired...
(Cut to the BBPD)
Gary 2: Hello I’d like to report a missing sponge and a missing pig.
Police Officer: There address?
Gary 2: Both at 124 Conch Street.
Police Officer: Ok just a sec... and done. Report filed.
(Cut to Mummy Sheep’s house)
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is Mummy Sheep. She is hanging up photos of her dead daughter, Sussie Sheep.
(Her phone beeps)
Mummy Sheep: Oooooooh! A notification!
(The notification reads: Daddy Pig has gone missing)
Mummy Sheep: Oh no!
(Cut back to the cartoon graveyard)
Bosko: If you’re not old or retired, how did you get here?
SpongeBob: We we’re sucked into our tv.
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit: Interesting.
Bosko: Maybe we can show you guys around?
Daddy Pig: That would be nice.
(Oswald and Bosko tour the Cartoon Graveyard with SpongeBob and Daddy Pig)
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit: Over here is Felix the Cat.
Felix: Hi.
Bosko: And over there is Betty Boop.
Betty Boop: How did I get past the censors?
SpongeBob: This is great!
Daddy Pig: Yeah. I guess it is.
Bosko: Hey guys, want to know something?
SpongeBob and Dady Pig: Yeah?
Bosko: The only way to escape the Cartoon Graveyard is to unplug that plug over there. It would kill everyone here except you guys.
Daddy Pig: Eh. I’d be willing to murder if it means I get to go back to the real world!
(Daddy Pig goes and unplugs the cord)
French Narrator: One overly dramatic explosion later...
Daddy Pig: Where are we?
SpongeBob: It looks like we’re in Bikini Bottom!
Mummy Sheep: There you guys are! The cops we’re gonna start a search and rescue operation tomorrow!
Daddy Pig: Well then, let’s go down to the police station and tell them what happened!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, no one is going to believe our story.
Daddy Pig: Shit.
Peppa Pig Narrator: And that the end of the Ye Olde SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show two-parter! Now, roll the credits.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S2E12: moonpig.com [May 13, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Sikowitz and Gary 2 are inside lounging on the couch. Sikowitz is sipping on some coconut milk.]
Gary 2: That’s like the tenth coconut you’ve gone through this morning.
Sikowitz: They give me visions.
Gary 2: Huh. What kind of visions?
Sikowitz: …
Gary 2: I said “what kind of visions”?
Sikowitz: …you wouldn’t wanna know.
[SpongeBob’s conch phone starts ringing.]
Sikowitz: I’ll get it. (picks up phone) Hello? SquarePants and Pig residence, this is Erwin Sikowitz speaking.
Daddy Pig: (on phone) …who?
Sikowitz: …Sikowitz, your new roommate?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Oh.
Sikowitz: What’s the matter? You sound like you’ve just read the age of consent laws.
Daddy Pig: (on phone) I thought we told you to stop being a pedophile!
Sikowitz: Ugh, you’re no phone. But seriously what’s the matter?
[SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Ugh, give me that.
[SpongeBob grabs the phone from Sikowitz.]
SpongeBob: Hello?
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Oh finally someone with some common sense. Hello SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hi. What’s the matter?
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Well um… it’s kind of hard to explain but… I’m a bit stuck.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh don’t be silly. Stuck? Where?
[Cut to Daddy Pig on the fucking moon.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is stuck on the moon!
SpongeBob: (on phone) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE MOON?!!!!!!!!
[laugh track]
Daddy Pig: Well I am a bit of an expert at getting stuck on the moon.
SpongeBob: You’re a bit of an expert at everything! How the flying FUCK did you get stuck on the moon?!
Daddy Pig: Well you see I WAS supposed to be building a house up here, I am a qualified structural engineer you know, but well… our rocket ship’s kind of, sort of… ran out of fuel.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a bit of a twat.
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT A TWAT!
[Cut back to SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
Sikowitz: What’s wrong?
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig’s, um… stuck on the moon.
Gary 2: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING ON THE MOON?!!!!!!!!
[laugh track]
SpongeBob: That’s what I said!
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Listen, I don’t have much mobile data left.
SpongeBob: They have 5G towers in space?
Daddy Pig: (on phone) ‘Course not, I’m only running on 3G here. So, um… I know this is a bit embarrassing… but could you please come to rescue me?
SpongeBob: (sighs) I… I guess we’ll see what we can do.
Daddy Pig: (on phone) Thank you so much, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry about it. Stay safe.
[Cut back to the moon.]
Daddy Pig: I’ll try. (hangs up)
Mr. Bull: What happened? Are we gonna be rescued?
Daddy Pig: I… doubt it.
[Cut back to SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
Sikowitz: Is it just the coconut milk… or did I hear that Daddy Pig is stuck on the moon?!
SpongeBob: It’s not the coconut milk.
Sikowitz: Oh thank fuck. I mean… it’s terrible that Daddy Pig is stuck on the moon but- you know what I mean.
Gary 2: How the hell are we supposed to rescue Daddy Pig from the moon? I mean, we don’t have a rocket!
SpongeBob: No, but luckily for us I know someone who does!
[Bubble transition to Sandy’s treedome.]
Sandy: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING ON THE MOON?!!!!!!!!
[laugh track]
Gary 2: That’s what we said!
SpongeBob: Look Sandy, I don’t know either but you’re the only person I know with a rocket. Could we… please maybe borrow it?
[Pause.]
Sandy: (sighs) I guess.
[Suddenly, Mummy Sheep bursts in.]
Mummy Sheep: I dropped everything and came here as soon as I heard.
Gary 2: Um… ma’am, your dress is on backwards.
Mummy Sheep: Oh, right. I was in the middle of filming an OnlyFans video with Mr. Krabs, sorry. ‘Course I had to pretend to be a corpse but, it’s what the people want I guess.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs is a necrophile.
Sikowitz: Ew.
Mummy Sheep: You’re literally a paedophile you can’t judge anyone, you twat.
Sikowitz: Exactly! Dead people are WAY too old for me.
Sandy: You are a sad, strange little man.
Mummy Sheep: So are we going on a rescue mission or not?
Sandy: Oh right, I forgot about that part. I’ll just get my rocket.
SpongeBob: Um, where is your rocket anyway?
[Sandy grins and presses a button on the side of her treehouse. A downwards staircase in the floor opens up.]
Mummy Sheep: I thought Daddy Pig was up on the moon, not fucking down in the centre of the Earth!
Sandy: Do you want to rescue Daddy Pig or not?
Mummy Sheep: Okay, okay, I’m coming!
[The group starts walking down the staircase and enter an underground laboratory or sorts.]
SpongeBob: Wow Sandy! Your lab’s really changed since I was last here!
Sandy: (giggles) Oh it’s not my lab, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It’s… not your lab?
Hash Brown: Sandra, what did I tell you about bringing random people down here?
Sikowitz: (screams) A HASH BROWN!
[Sikowitz slaps Hash Brown.]
Hash Brown: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?
Sikowitz: Sorry, I just… I just have a massive irrational phobia of fried potatoes.
SpongeBob: That’s kinda racist.
Sikowitz: Your mom was racist in bed last night.
Hash Brown: Okay, could someone please explain what’s going on?
SpongeBob: Oh my name is SpongeBob, I’m Sandy’s autistic friend. This my racist pet snail Gary 2, that’s my pedophile lodger Erwin Sikowitz, and over there is Mummy Sheep… and OnlyFans MILF.
Mummy Sheep: I’m having a May Day discount right now if you’re interested.
Hash Brown: Okay now I’m just more confused.
Sandy: It doesn’t matter, Hash Brown. Long story short - we have to go to the moon to save Daddy Pig.
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: I’m not even gonna question it, let’s go.
[The group resume walking.]
Mummy Sheep: So like… what even is this place?
Hash Brown: This, my weird acquaintances, is the home base for the Hash Brown Initiative.
Gary 2: The what now?
Sandy: The Hash Brown Initiative.
Hash Brown: Yeah, I’m… not that good with names, heh. You see, since the… unfortunate passing of the real life Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, and the fall of the IJLSA… there’s been a gap in the crime-fighting vigilante market. So when I heard about the rise of PenisMan and Super Potato-
Mummy Sheep: -you decided to form the Poundland Avengers?
Hash Brown: Well… yeah, I decided to form the Poundland Avengers.
Sikowitz: Poundland? You mean like Disneyland?
Hash Brown: Sure. Sandra here is my gadgets gal.
Sandy: Please, it’s Sandy.
SpongeBob: Cool. Where are PenisMan and Super Potato anyway?
Hash Brown: PenisMan’s at school, only problem with having teenage superheroes. (groans)
Mummy Sheep: And Mr.- I mean, “Super Potato”?
Sandy: He’s waiting in line at the sex offender registry.
SpongeBob: Oh okay.
Hash Brown: So, do we have a Daddy Pig to save or what?
[Cut to Daddy Pig on the moon.]
Mr. Bull: …you know I hate when this happens.
Miss Rabbit: Hate when what happens?
Mr. Bull: You know… getting stuck on the moon.
Miss Rabbit: You sound like this kind of thing has happened to you before.
Mr. Bull: Well, not to me but I had a cousin who got stuck on Venus once.
[Daddy Pig starts unzipping his trousers.]
Mr. Bull: Woah woah woah, there are women here! Jesus Christ. If you wanna have a wank at home in your own time that’s fine but-
Miss Rabbit: Oh my God please don’t tell me you were gonna masturbate on the moon.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is a bit of a pervert.
Daddy Pig: I am NOT a pervert!
Mr. Bull: You were about to masturbate on the moon!
Daddy Pig: My brother Uncle Pig masturbated to Minecraft porn once, don’t judge me okay?!
Miss Rabbit: Oh my God please save me from this nightmare.
[Cut to Sandy’s rocket flying through space.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob, Sandy and all of the other characters that I can’t be bothered to name are on their way to rescue Daddy Pig from the moon!
SpongeBob: Are we nearly there yet?
Sandy: For the last time, not yet SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Ugggghhhhhh. How long until we get there?
Hash Brown: We will get there when we get there.
Sikowitz: And when will we get there?
Sandy: I honestly don’t know, I haven’t flown this thing in around four years.
[The camera pans over to Gary 2 sitting on a flight seat watching Norbit.]
Gary 2: Um, excuse me? Could I get some mid-flight snacks please?
[He takes a bite out of Hash Brown.]
Gary 2: Thanks.
Hash Brown: Don’t mention it.
[Cut back to the moon.]
Daddy Pig: I spy with my little eye… something beginning with M.
Mr. Bull: Is it the moon?
Daddy Pig: OF COURSE IT’S THE FUCKING MOON, YOU PLONKER, THERE’S NOTHING ELSE OUT HERE!
[A spaceship can be seen in the distance.]
Daddy Pig: Heavens to Betsy! Is that-
Miss Rabbit: They came to rescue us after all!
[Cut to Sandy flying the rocket.]
SpongeBob: Sandy! Look!
Sandy: You know it’s amazing how in cartoons it only takes a couple minutes to fly to the moon.
Gary 2: For fuck’s sake! I haven’t finished Norbit yet!
[Sandy’s rocket slowly lands on the moon.]
Sandy: Easy does it… easy does-
[The rocket fucking falls to the ground.]
Sandy: …well that works too.
[The rocket’s doors open and the group slowly walk out as the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme plays.]
Sikowitz: Fuck! Sorry, my bad.
[Sikowitz takes his phone out and answers it. The music stops.]
Sikowitz: Hello? …no, I haven’t been in an accident that wasn’t my fault. …what do you mean I sound like I’m on the moon?
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob! Mummy Sheep! Other guys! You made it!
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep embrace.]
Mummy Sheep: I missed you my little scrunkly.
Daddy Pig: Don’t fucking call me that ever again.
Mr. Bull: Um… who are you people?
Hash Brown: Oh, I’m Hash Brown, that’s SpongeBob who has autism, that’s his pet snail Gary 2-
Mr. Bull: You know what? I don’t care, let’s go.
Sandy: What’s that white gooey stuff floating around in the moon’s atmosphere?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig has masturbated on the moon.
Daddy Pig: WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT FOR? NAME ONE OTHER PERSON WHO CAN SAY THEY HAVE PLEASURED THEMSELVES ON THE BLOODY MOON!!!!
[Cut to the group flying home.]
Hash Brown: Ah, another mission accomplished for the Poundland Avengers.
SpongeBob: You’re really keeping that name?
Hash Brown: It has a nice ring to it.
Sandy: Shows less of your ego too.
Hash Brown: True. However, ratio + Linus.
Miss Rabbit: Who the bloody hell is Linus?
[Pan over to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig staring out the window together.]
Mummy Sheep: You know… this is nice.
Daddy Pig: Wh- What is?
Mummy Sheep: You know… space and stuff.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: You know, I was gonna save this for another occasion, but this view is just too good.
Daddy Pig: Pardon?
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig…
[Mummy Sheep kneels down on one knee and pulls out a ring.]
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig, will you marry me?
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=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E1: Sleepless in Peppa Pig World [May 13, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[The episode opens where the season two finale left off, with SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and a load of other people flying home in a spaceship after rescuing Daddy Pig from being stuck on the moon.]
Hash Brown: Ah, another mission accomplished for the Poundland Avengers.
SpongeBob: You’re really keeping that name?
Hash Brown: It has a nice ring to it.
Sandy: Shows less of your ego too.
Hash Brown: True. However, ratio + Linus.
Miss Rabbit: Who the bloody hell is Linus?
[Pan over to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig staring out the window together.]
Mummy Sheep: You know… this is nice.
Daddy Pig: Wh- What is?
Mummy Sheep: You know… space and stuff.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: You know, I was gonna save this for another occasion, but this view is just too good.
Daddy Pig: Pardon?
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig…
[Mummy Sheep kneels down on one knee and pulls out a ring.]
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig, will you marry me?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I- I…
Mummy Sheep: Yes?
[Cut to Daddy Pig driving up the hill to Mummy Pig’s house. He hops out the car and walks towards the door.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) It’s been a long time since I’ve been back here.
[Daddy Pig rings the doorbell. Mummy Pig walks towards the door and opens it.]
Mummy Pig: …Daddy Pig?
[After a pause, the two embrace with tears falling from their faces.]
Mummy Pig: I’ve missed you so much, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: I’ve missed you too!
Mummy Pig: So… what the hell are you doing here? I thought we- I thought we divorced!
Daddy Pig: We did! Do you not remember signing the papers?
Mummy Pig: Not really.
Peppa Pig Narrator: We never made an episode where Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig signed the divorce papers.
Mummy Pig: Huh. So… are you going to answer my question or what?
Daddy Pig: Oh, yeah sure right. Well you see, I’ve had this weird feeling on my chest for a while to be completely and… (sighs) I just wanted to say I’m sorry you know. I’m sorry for cheating on you… many times. I’m sorry for… everything basically. I-
Peppa Pig: Daddy Pig?
Mummy Pig: Shut the flying FUCK up, Peppa! Daddy Pig and me are trying to have a fanfiction-y emotional reunion!
[Peppa runs off crying.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Pig isn’t a very good parent.
Mummy Pig: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO PARENT MY CHILDREN! So, what you were saying?
Daddy Pig: What? Oh, right. Well… it’s just… I’ve been wanting to ask you something and, um, you don’t have to answer right away but… if you want to, of course, would you please…
Mummy Pig: LET YOU COME BACK AND LIVE WITH US? OH YES! YES! I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK!
Daddy Pig: …what?
Mummy Pig: …what?
Daddy Pig: I wasn’t going to ask that, you twat! I wanted to ask you if you’d be the best man at my and Mummy Sheep’s wedding!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig has hurt Mummy Pig’s feelings!
Mummy Pig: You… you’re getting married to Mummy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: Yuh.
Mummy Sheep: And… you want me to be the best man?
Daddy Pig: Of course! We’ve been, like, best friends since playgroup!
Mummy Pig: But I’m not even a man! Let alone the best man!
Daddy Pig: True, but Mummy Sheep’s already asked SpongeBob to be a bridesmaid. So, you know, I thought we could have the best woman or something!
Mummy Pig: You want me, your ex-wife… to be the “best woman” at your wedding with Mummy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: Of course! At first I was going to ask my brother Uncle Pig, and then I remembered he’s a fucking wanker… so then I was gonna ask Mr. Rabbit, but to be completely honest with you I think he’s gone a bit mad recently with all his Easter Bunny and NFT stuff so then… then… I thought of you.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Well… okay.
Daddy Pig: Thanks, Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: (sighs) No problem. I love you Daddy Pig… platonically, that is.
Daddy Pig: I… er… share this platonic mutual feeling of love you have for me too, Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: So, er… when and where is the wedding anyway?
[Cut to SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep at The Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs’ eyes turn into dollar signs.]
Mr. Krabs: You want your wedding at The Krusty Krab?
Mummy Sheep: Well, we were thinking of somewhere cheap and cheerful you know.
[Mr. Krabs shakes hands with Mummy Sheep.]
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab would be honoured to have you, soon-to-be-married couple!
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs! The Krusty Krab doesn’t do wedding services!
Mr. Krabs: Not until now, Mr. Squidward! Just think of all the extra money we could be making if The Krusty Krab started doing wedding services! All people of all genders, all religions… we could even start doing some exotic weddings! Marry people to corpses and stuff, you know.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs fucks corpses.
Sikowitz: Yeah! We could even marry people to children here!
[Pause.]
Squidward: No, just no.
Mr. Krabs: I may be a necrophile, but I draw the line at children.
Squidward: Yeah, they’re too young for you. (slaps his knee and starts hysterically laughing at his own joke)
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Of course, boss. I’m getting paid extra if we go through with this whole wedding thing though, right?
Mr. Krabs: I wouldn’t count on it.
Squidward: Another day, another minimum wage paycheck. (walks off)
SpongeBob: So, are we actually gonna do this? You two are getting married?
Mummy Sheep: I mean it sure looks like it.
Daddy Pig: I’ve always wanted to marry an OnlyFans MILF.
SpongeBob: What’s a MILF?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know but I keep hearing the teenagers say it.
[Daddy Pig puts on a pair of sunglasses.]
Daddy Pig: YOLO, you know?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: I can call this wedding off if you don’t stop that.
Daddy Pig: Sorry, Mummy Sheep.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E2: Lesbian Porn [June 13, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is Daddy Pig’s fiance Mummy Sheep’s house. Mummy Sheep has an OnlyFans page.
[Mummy Sheep is in her bedroom somberly scrolling on her phone. Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: Hey my scrunkly baby, what’s the matter?
Mummy Sheep: Don’t call me that ever again.
Daddy Pig: Sorry. I just thought I’d stop by on my way home from work to run some ideas by you for our wedding.
Mummy Sheep: Fire away.
Daddy Pig: Okay, so… I was thinking we could have maybe a themed wedding or something.
Mummy Sheep: Look Daddy Pig, I’m not really in the mood right n-
Daddy Pig: How do you feel about Christmas carols?
Mummy Sheep: Christmas carols? Daddy Pig, it’s the middle of June.
Daddy Pig: I know, I know! I’m just thinking out loud here, but would it not just be so romantic if we got married with artificial snow everywhere, Mariah Carey in the background and sleigh bells everywhere?
Mummy Sheep: It’s the middle of June.
Daddy Pig: Well if you don’t like it, you could just say it to my face! (snorts and crosses his arms)
Mummy Sheep: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just… not feeling it right now.
Daddy Pig: What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything, right?
Mummy Sheep: I don’t really talk about it.
Daddy Pig: Okay, I understand. Well, I guess I ought to be going then-
Mummy Sheep: It’s just that my OnlyFans hasn’t been doing that well lately!
Daddy Pig: I thought you didn’t wanna talk abou-
Mummy Sheep: I’ve gone down from being in the top 0.6% to being in the top 2%! I just… I just don’t understand! Is my content not good enough for these degenerates!
Daddy Pig: I think your content is good enough.
Mummy Sheep: Well yeah, but you’re my fiance for fuck’s sake! You worship the toilet seat I sit on.
Daddy Pig: You have a nice toilet.
Mummy Sheep: True, but… (sighs) I just don’t get it.
[Mummy Sheep starts scrolling through her OnlyFans followers.]
Mummy Sheep: LizLube49, JiggleJoel69, CumGobblerTanny69… CrazySponge-
Daddy Pig: Wait, what was that?
Mummy Sheep: CrazySponge?
Daddy Pig: No, no, that first one.
Mummy Sheep: Oh. LizLube49?
Daddy Pig: Yeah. Isn’t Liz a girl’s name?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT!
[Mummy Sheep starts frantically scrolling through her OnlyFans followers.]
Mummy Sheep: Jesus Christ half of these are women! They’re… they’re… they’re…
Daddy Pig: Yeah?
[Closeup of Mummy Sheep’s face]
Mummy Sheep: Lesbians.
[Dramatic sting.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep’s OnlyFans followers are gay as fuck.
Mummy Sheep: I’ve been going about this wrong my whole career! That shoot with Mr. Krabs where I pretended to be a corpse, all those tentacles I’ve shoved up myself! They’ve all been for nothing!
Daddy Pig: Woah, woah, woah, now let’s not get carried away here-
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig, I’m sorry but… I know what I have to do.
Daddy Pig: You don’t mean you’re going to-
Mummy Sheep: That’s right. I’m going to make… lesbian porn.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Heh, that’s the name of the episode.
Mummy Sheep: And I know just where to start!
[Exterior shot of Lesbians R Us. Mummy Sheep walks through the automatic glass doors.]
Scott the Woz: Welcome one and all to Lesbians R Us! Your one stop shop for all your lesbian needs!
Mummy Sheep: Um, hey. Could I-
Scott the Woz: Oh, sorry, I don’t actually work here. I just really like lesbians.
Mummy Sheep: Huh.
Scott the Woz: Yeah, you see I’m what they call a “recreational virgin”. As a straight male if I surround myself with lesbians my chance of getting laid goes down considerably.
Mummy Sheep: I see. Why’d you want to be a virgin though?
Scott the Woz: Unclear.
[Mummy Sheep approaches a counter.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey, you work here right?
Pluto: Work here? I founded this place. Welcome to Lesbians R Us, what can I get you today?
Mummy Sheep: Do you have any double A batteries?
Pluto: Oh, uh… right. They’re just behind the counter.
Mummy Sheep: Great. Also, do you know where I could find any lesbians around here?
Pluto: Well do call us Lesbians R Us for a reason.
Mummy Sheep: Huh. I thought that was just a weird gen Z marketing thing, like Hot Topic. Fucking freezing in there.
Pluto: What type of lesbian are you in the market for today?
Mummy Sheep: Well er… I want someone hot, but not too hot and preferably not a minor so I can shoot porn with them and-
Pluto: You a first time lesbian owner?
Mummy Sheep: Well my daughter was a lesbian, but… she died.
Pluto: Lol what a fucking loser. Anyway, if you come with me I can show you our wares.
[Mummy Sheep follows Pluto down a hallway of various lesbians.]
Pluto: Here at Lesbians R Us we have lesbians of all shapes, colors and size-
Mummy Sheep: (pointing off-screen) I want that one.
Pluto: You didn’t let me-
Mummy Sheep: I want that one.
[Pan over to reveal that Mummy Sheep is pointing to Zoltan’s Mum.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Aw dammit! You pointed me out! I was doing the 24 Hours Hiding Inside a Warehouse challenge!
Pluto: Aren’t you Zoltan’s mom?
Zoltan’s Mum: I wish I wasn’t sometimes. All the time, in fact.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Zoltan’s Mum is a famous YouTuber with over a million subscribers… she also has an OnlyFans page.
Pluto: I didn’t know you were a lesbian.
Zoltan’s Mum: I’m not, I’m just a massive slut.
Pluto: Huh.
Mummy Sheep: This one is perfect, Pluto!
Pluto: But… she’s not even for sale!
Zoltan’s Mum: I could be. Name your price.
[Zoltan jumps out from hiding on one of the shelves]
Zoltan: Mum, what are you doing?
Zoltan’s Mum: Shut up Zoltan, I’m trying to make us some easy money here!
Mummy Sheep: Um… I… I have five pounds in my purse I think?
[Tan jumps out from hiding on another shelf]
Tan: OH MY GOD MUM! WE COULD BUY LIKE… SOME ICARLY DVDS WITH THAT!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, I do like my iCarly… okay, it’s a deal!
Pluto: Great! I’ll get this lesbian all ready at the till for you. Now, we will have to do a quick background check. Do you have a Lesbians R Us membership card?
Mummy Sheep: I don’t think so. Do you take book tokens?
[Bubble transition to Mummy Sheep, Zoltan’s Mum and Pluto at the till.]
Pluto: Okay so everything seems to be alright, so that’ll be five pounds please.
[Mummy Sheep hands the money to Pluto, who hands the money to Zoltan’s Mum, who hands the money to Tan.]
Pluto: We do also offer a twenty four month warranty in case anything happens to your lesbian.
Mummy Sheep: No thanks.
Pluto: Are you sure? Owning a lesbian is a pretty big responsibility.
Zoltan’s Mum: He’s right, you know.
Mummy Sheep: I think we’ll be fine.
Pluto: Great. We also do-
[He realises Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum have already gone.]
Pluto: -...bags for life.
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum walking out the shop.]
Zoltan’s Mum: So… what exactly do you need me for?
Mummy Sheep: Porn.
Zoltan’s Mum: Fuck yeah.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob, Gary 2, Sikowitz and Daddy Pig eating at The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: What’s the matter, Daddy Pig? You’re barely touching your bacon Krabby Patty.
Daddy Pig: I’ve been trying to cut back on the bacon ever since I realised it comes from… well… you know.
SpongeBob: Ah.
Daddy Pig: Also my soon-to-be wife is having sex with women now.
Gary 2: (imitating Michaal Rosen) Noice.
Daddy Pig: No, it’s not nice!
Gary 2: Noice.
Daddy Pig: It’s not noice! My fiance is into women now!
Sikowitz: Ah, you see this is your problem, Mr. Pig. It’s best to get your bitches while they’re young, like me.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Why do we still hang around with you?
Sikowitz: I help pay your rent, I could easily live somewhere else if you-
SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary 2: No, no, no, it’s fine.
[Mummy Sheep walks in.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: (folds arms) Hello.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Wh- What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?
Daddy Pig: Oh, oh it’s nothing really. Just you and your LESBIAN PORN!
[Everyone in the restaurant suddenly stops and turns to Daddy Pig.]
Squidward: (poking his head up behind the counter, grinning) This ought to be fun.
Mummy Sheep: What’s wrong with my lesbian porn? My OnlyFans page is doing better than ever! You should be grateful.
Daddy Pig: I guess. I just, I just… I just feel unwanted, that’s all.
Mummy Sheep: Oh don’t be such a twat. It’s not that you’re not wanted.
Daddy Pig: I’m not?
Mummy Sheep: No! It’s just that this whole lesbian porn thing is making me more money than your fat ass ever will!
[At this point the Krusty Krab’s customers start murmuring amongst themselves.]
SpongeBob: Um, Daddy Pig? Maybe we should be leavi-
Daddy Pig: No! I’m not just gonna stand here while my almost-wife is off having more fun with… women! Maybe this is what Mummy Pig felt like when I was cheating on her.
Mummy Sheep: I’M NOT CHEATING ON YOU! I’M JUST SHOOTING LESBIAN PORN FOR MY ONLYFANS!
Daddy Pig: I don’t care! I don’t even get lesbians anyway! Why can’t they just like men like normal women?!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig we really should be-
Gary 2: Isn’t your daughter Peppa a lesbian?
Daddy Pig: Well, yeah but… she’s not like other lesbians.
Mummy Pig: For your information, Daddy Pig, Zoltan’s Mum is the nicest lesbian I have met in a long time. And she’s not even a lesbian! She’s just a massive slut! Like me! This is my business, Daddy Pig, and I’m not proud of it either. And if you don’t like it, then… then… well, you can just leave!
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: ALRIGHT! MAYBE I WILL!
Mummy Sheep: FINE!
[Daddy Pig storms out of the restaurant. Pause.]
Sikowitz: If he’s not gonna finish his Krabby Patty, can I have it?
[Bubble transition to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum walking through a public park. Tan is following the two with a camera.]
Tan: Mum, do I have to film your porn videos?
Zoltan’s Mum: Do you want those iCarly DVDs or not?
Tan: Do you want me to focus on your tits or pussy?
Mummy Sheep: We’re gonna be scissoring today.
[Mummy Sheep takes her handbag out, pulls out a blindfold and some duct tape and gives it to Zoltan’s Mum.]
Mummy Sheep: Put these on.
Zoltan’s Mum: What the hell?
Mummy Sheep: I’m gonna pretend to kidnap you.
Zoltan’s Mum: Why the fuck would you want to do that?
Mummy Sheep: One of my simps requested it, I really hate this industry sometimes. Most of the time even. Just do it.
Zoltan’s Mum: Alright. If fish can pretend to be kidnapped, then so can I!
[Mummy Sheep starts taking off her clothes. Two police officers run over.]
Police Officer Panda: Hey! What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?
Mummy Sheep: Oh, you see officers, we're just shooting an OnlyFans thing over here. I can give you a discount on your first month if you want.
Police Officer Squirrel: Shooting pornography in a public park?
Mummy Sheep: Uh…
Police Officer Squirrel: In broad daylight?
Mummy Sheep: How about a discount on your first two months?
Police Officer Panda: She drives a hard bargain, PC Squirrel.
Police Officer Squirrel: You two are under arrest for public indecency.
[Pause.]
Zoltan’s Mum: IF FISH CAN BREAK THE LAW, THEN SO CAN I!
[Zoltan’s Mum attempts to run off, but Police Officer Squirrel tases her and she falls to the floor. Cut to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum in a prison cell.]
Zoltan’s Mum: What’s up guys?! It’s your girl Zoltan’s Mum here, and today we’re doing the 24 Hours Inside a Prison Cell Challenge!
Mummy Sheep: Who are you talking to? There aren’t any cameras allowed in here.
Zoltan’s Mum: It’s a coping mechanism, just let me work through this.
Mummy Sheep: I’m sorry.
[Suddenly, Police Officer Squirrel and Daddy Pig approach the cell. Police Officer Squirrel opens the door.]
Police Officer Squirrel: Mummy Sheep? You’re free to go.
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig? You- you bailed me out?
Daddy Pig: Of course I did, my scrunkly baby! You know I love you.
Mummy Sheep: I do?
Daddy Pig: Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I made some really mean comments about the LGTR community-
Police Officer Squirrel: You mean the LGBTQ+ community?
Daddy Pig: Whatever. Lesbians- lesbians are valid members of this society and I shouldn’t have insulted them like that… I still don’t understand why they have an entire fucking month to themselves though.
Police Officer Squirrel: It’s to commemorate the Stonewall riots that-
Mummy Sheep: No, Daddy Pig, I’m sorry. I should have asked you first about this whole lesbian porn thing and-
Daddy Pig: Are you kidding? (snorts) I should be the one saying sorry to you. Look, if we’re going to get married soon, we’re gonna need all the money we can get. Shoot as much lesbian porn as you want.
Mummy Sheep: You mean that?
Daddy Pig: I’m in a good mood, don’t push it.
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig embrace.]
Mummy Sheep: Thank you, Daddy Pig. Seriously though, do not call me a “scrunkly baby” ever again or I will murder you.
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep loves making death threats! EVERYONE loves making death threats!
=== (S) The willybob show S1E1: willybob (episode) [June 13, 2022] {thatjess} ===
willybob: willybob
[the end.]
=== (S) The willybob show S1E2: willybob (another episode) [June 14, 2022] {thatjess} ===
Willybob: I know where you live.
[The end.]
=== (S) The willybob show S1E3: willybob (yet another episode) [June 15, 2022] {thatjess} ===
willybob: A copypasta is a block of text that is copied and pasted across the Internet by individuals through online forums and social networking websites. Copypastas are said to be similar to spam as they are often used to annoy other users and disrupt online discourse.
Contents
1History
1.1Etymology
2Notable examples
2.1Navy Seal
2.2Bee Movie
2.3"A Drive Into Deep Left Field by Castellanos"
3See also
4References
History[edit]
The word "copypasta" was first used on Usenet groups in 2006.
Etymology[edit]
The term "copypasta" is derived from the computer term "copy/paste", and can be traced back to an anonymous 4chan thread from 2006.
Notable examples[edit]
Navy Seal[edit]
The Navy Seal copypasta is a lengthy, comically written, aggressive attack paragraph against a "kiddo", written in the voice of the stereotypical "tough guy", listing absurd accomplishments such as having "over 300 confirmed kills" and being "trained in gorilla [sic] warfare". This copypasta is often reposted as a humorous overreaction to an insult and is thought to have originated in a post on a 4chan message board from 11 November 2010.
This copypasta is infamously used in the manifesto of the perpetrator of the Christchurch mosque shootings.
Bee Movie[edit]
Main article: Bee Movie § Cultural influence
The Bee Movie copypasta dates back to 2013 where users would post the entire script of the Bee Movie onto websites such as Reddit and Tumblr. This was popularised around the time when edits of the film were first being posted and popularized on YouTube in late 2016.
"A Drive Into Deep Left Field by Castellanos"[edit]
On August 19, 2020, during a Major League Baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and Kansas City Royals, Reds broadcaster Thom Brennaman uttered a homophobic slur on a hot mic. Later in the broadcast, Brennaman apologized to listeners. Mid-apology, Nick Castellanos hit a home run, and Brennaman broke from his apology to deliver the play-by-play. Brennaman said, "I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith, as there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos, it will be a home run. And so that'll make it a 4-0 ballgame." The moment became an internet meme as a copypasta. ESPN's Pablo Torre later said it "was like listening to the band play on as the Titanic was sinking. Except the band was also somehow the iceberg."
See also[edit]
Look up copypasta in Wiktionary, the free dictionary.
Creepypasta, brief, user-generated, paranormal stories intended to scare readers
Faxlore, similar content circulated by fax machine
Know Your Meme, a website and video series which researches and documents the history of copypastas and similar content
Running gag, a recurring joke
Snowclone, a cliché and phrasal template that can be used and recognized in multiple variants
Shitposting, the practice of posting intentionally low-quality or provocative content to troll or solicit reactions from others
References[edit]
^ Jump up to:a b
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Categories:
Internet memes
Internet manipulation and propaganda
2006 neologisms
Internet culture
=== (S) The willybob show S1E4: when will this show end [June 16, 2022] {Elmo} ===
Willybob: I met you at Walmart last month
Among Us
=== (S) The willybob show S1E5: A Willybob Earth Day [June 17, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
willybob: earth
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E6: Homosexual [June 17, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[The episode opens with a shot of the Carmelite Monastery of Buda at night. A whole swarm of police cars, helicopters etc. etc. show up outside. One police officer steps out holding a megaphone.]
Police: Come out with your hands up! This is the Renőrség! We know you’re in there, SpongeBob!
[Cut to the inside of the building, where Viktor Orbán and SpongeBob are gathered around a table playing Monopoly.]
Orbán: Fuck yeah! Landed on ingyen parkolhatsz! Free parking!
SpongeBob: What’s that noise outside?
Orbán: I don’t know, probably just fans. I am incredibly sexy after all.
SpongeBob: True.
[SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán step outside and are greeted by the police. SpongeBob is put into handcuffs.]
SpongeBob: What the-
Police: SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: Um… yeah?
Police: You are under arrest on suspicion of being homosexual.
Orbán: WHAT?! SpongeBob, is this true?
SpongeBob: Well, heh, I mean… not exactly. Besides, you can’t prove anything!
Police: Oh really?
[The police officer pulls out their phone and reads out SpongeBob’s latest tweet.]
Police: “Happy pride month to all my cuties out there! :rainbow-flag: :rainbow-flag: :rainbow-flag: Remember that you are loved no matter what. Live your life however you want and don’t let anyone stop you!”
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Um… must have been a typo?
Police: (sighs) Take him away, boys.
[SpongeBob gets dragged off by the police screaming.]
SpongeBob: NOOOOO! NO! YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING! I’M INNOCENT I SWEAR! VIKTOR WILL VOUCH FOR ME! WON’T YOU?
Orbán: I can’t believe I’ve been harboring a wanted criminal all this time…
[SpongeBob gets locked up in a police van, which drives off followed by an entire SWAT team. Cut to SpongeBob being pushed into an interrogation room.]
Police: Sit down, sir.
SpongeBob: Um… could I at least get a glass of water or something?
Police: I SAID SIT DOWN!
[SpongeBob complies.]
Police: Mr. SquarePants, you are being accused of being a homosexual, correct?
SpongeBob: I refuse to confess to anything without my lawyer.
Police: Oh, of course sorry. (passes SpongeBob a phone) I’ll give you five minutes to get someone on the phone.
SpongeBob: I, heh, don’t have a lawyer.
Police: You understand Hungarian law forbids any form of homosexuality, right? You are being accused of being a homosexual, correct?
SpongeBob: Um… yeah?
Police: Well, are you?
[Pause.]
Police: Are you?
SpongeBob: Well… I mean I think SpongeBob is asexual, I think, but um you see officer… I’m not even SpongeBob.
Police: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: I… (sighs) there’s no other way to get out of this, huh?
Police: Not really.
SpongeBob: You see, I’m not SpongeBob. This entire time I’ve actually been…
[“SpongeBob” rips off his mask to reveal-]
James Corden: JAMES CORDEN BABY!
[James Corden is wearing a grey mouse onesie.]
Police: WHAT THE POKOL?
James Corden: (humping the table) LET’S GET LOUD! LET’S GET LOUD! TURN THE MUSIC UP AND HEAR THAT SOUND!
Police: …I- I don’t understand. If you’re not SpongeBob-
James Corden: Oh, the real SpongeBob is still back in Bikini Bottom I think. He lives with Daddy Pig now or something. Nice bloke Daddy Pig.
Police: So… you’re not gay?
James Corden: No… but I mean even if I were that wouldn’t be a problem, right?
[Pause.]
James Corden: Nevermind. You see, after creating such critically acclaimed hits like Cats, Smallfoot, Lesbian Vampire Killers (it’s a real film look it up) and Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway… I, heh… became a wanted criminal so I pretended to SpongeBob and fled to Hungary.
Police: That makes perfect sense.
James Corden: I know, right? So am I free to go now?
[Cut to James Corden’s grave.]
Gyurcsány: I’m sorry, Viktor.
Orbán: Don’t worry about it. No offence to James Corden, but being James Corden is the worst offence one could commit! Also I hate you Gyurcsány.
Gyurcsány: Yeah, you tell me every day.
Orbán: I do.
[fin]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E1: James Corden's Wonderful Talking Ben [June 17, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[“Previously on The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show...”]
Police: Mr. SquarePants, you are being accused of being a homosexual, correct?
SpongeBob: I refuse to confess to anything without my lawyer.
Police: Oh, of course sorry. (passes SpongeBob a phone) I’ll give you five minutes to get someone on the phone.
SpongeBob: I, heh, don’t have a lawyer.
Police: You understand Hungarian law forbids any form of homosexuality?
Orbán: I can’t believe I’ve been harboring a wanted criminal all this time…
SpongeBob: Well… I mean I think SpongeBob is asexual, I think, but um you see officer… I’m not even SpongeBob.
Police: What do you mean?
[“SpongeBob” rips off his mask to reveal-]
James Corden: JAMES CORDEN BABY!
[James Corden is wearing a grey mouse onesie.]
James Corden: (humping the table) LET’S GET LOUD! LET’S GET LOUD! TURN THE MUSIC UP AND HEAR THAT SOUND!
Police: …I- I don’t understand. If you’re not SpongeBob-
James Corden: Oh, the real SpongeBob is still back in Bikini Bottom I think. He lives with Daddy Pig now or something.
Police: So… you’re not gay?
James Corden: No. You see, after creating such critically acclaimed hits like Cats, Smallfoot, Lesbian Vampire Killers (it’s a real film look it up) and Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway… I, heh… became a wanted criminal so I pretended to SpongeBob and fled to Hungary.
Police: That makes perfect sense.
James Corden: So am I free to go now?
[Cut to James Corden’s grave.]
Gyurcsány: I’m sorry, Viktor.
Orbán: Don’t worry about it. No offence to James Corden, but being James Corden is the worst offence one could commit! Also I hate you Gyurcsány.
[“And now on James Corden’s Wonderful Life in Hell…”]
[The episode opens on a black void. James Corden walks onto the screen.]
James Corden: Um… hello?! Viktor Orbán?! Scary Hungarian police person? Gyurcsány? Where the hell is everyone?
[Suddenly, a black door opens in the distance, letting a small beam of light into the room.]
James Corden: Huh. Well that’s nifty.
[James Corden enters the door, which leads him into a white void.]
James Corden: What the…? What is this place?
[James Corden keeps walking until he reaches a white staircase.]
James Corden: I must be dreaming. This can’t be real, surely this can’t be happening to me.
[James Corden begins slowly walking up the staircase. He reaches the top and arrives at a large pair of golden gates in the clouds.]
James Corden: What in the Gavin and Stacey?! I think… I think I’m in Heaven!
[The golden gates suddenly open by themselves. James Corden walks inside, where he reaches a throne with a familiar face sitting on it.]
Talking Ben: Ben?
James Corden: Are you… Are you God?
Talking Ben: …No.
James Corden: Are you Allah?
Talking Ben: No.
James Corden: Then… who are you?
Talking Ben: Ben.
James Corden: Ah. Nice to meet you, Ben. The name’s James Corden. You may know me from stage and screen. You must be starstruck. I was in The Emoji Movie, heh. You like that movie?
Talking Ben: No.
James Corden: Ugh. You uncultured swine! What is this place anyway?! Am I dead?
Talking Ben: Yes.
James Corden: I knew it! So this must be Heaven!
Talking Ben: Yes.
James Corden: GET IN! I KNEW HEAVEN WAS REAL! I KNEW IT!
Talking Ben: Yes.
James Corden: I’m in Heaven!
Talking Ben: …No.
James Corden: …what?
Talking Ben: …
James Corden: Am I not going to Heaven?
Talking Ben: No.
James Corden: But that means… I’m… going to Hell?
Talking Ben: Yes.
James Corden: WHAT?!
Talking Ben: Hohoho!
[James Corden gets on his knees and starts begging.]
James Corden: Please! You can’t do this to me! I’m famous actor! I have a talk show!
Talking Ben: No.
James Corden: Well, it’s ending soon, but STILL! PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME INTO HEAVEN!
Talking Ben: No.
James Corden: PLEASE, BEN! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!
Talking Ben: Hohoho!
James Corden: BEN, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
Talking Ben: Hohoho!
[The stairs up to Heaven suddenly retract and form a slide. James Corden falls down them, all the way to Hell.]
James Corden: BENNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E7: Furry [June 20, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Carmelite Monastery of Buda. Patrick Star, dressed in a mailman outfit, rings the doorbell which chimes to the theme of the Hungarian national anthem.]
Patrick: Catchy tune.
[Viktor Orbán answers the door.]
Orbán: Szia!
Patrick: Package for, uh… Victor Orbans?
Orbán: Viktor Orbán!
Patrick: Look, I’m kinda on a tight shift here so if you could just sign for your damn package that would be great.
Orbán: Oh, my apologies.
[Viktor Orbán signs a sheet of paper and Patrick passes him a large cardboard box.]
Patrick: Enjoy your package!
Orbán: You too!
[Patrick walks off.]
Patrick: Jesus Christ that guy is so rude. You’d think he runs the country or something.
[Viktor Orbán pulls his package inside and slams the door.]
Orbán: I can’t believe it’s finally here!
Anikó Lévai: What’s that?
Orbán: Oh, uh, wifey? I thought you were supposed to be in the kitchen!
Anikó Lévai: Oh right, sorry Viktor Orbán MP.
Orbán: Don’t mention it.
Anikó Lévai: But seriously what is that?
Orbán: Oh it’s… nothing important.
Anikó Lévai: I want to see.
Orbán: YOU CAN’T SEE!
Anikó Lévai: Why not?
Orbán: …because… you can’t.
Anikó Lévai: Oh okay.
[Pause.]
Anikó Lévai: I want to open it.
Orbán: WIFEY, NO!!!!!
[Anikó opens the box and finds a bird fursuit inside.]
Anikó Lévai: (gasps) Mi a fasz van veled?!
Orbán: I’m so sorry you had to find out this way, wifey!
Anikó Lévai: What the hell is this?
Orbán: It’s a… (sighs) it’s a fursuit. I’m a furry.
Anikó Lévai: No you’re fucking not.
Orbán: But I am! Look!
[Viktor puts the bird fursuit on.]
Orbán: I’m Tamas the Turul!
Anikó Lévai: You’re fucking insane.
Orbán: I’m not insane! I’m Tamas the Turul!
Anikó Lévai: Who the flying FUCK is Tamas the Turul?
Orbán: He’s my fursona! I’m a furry! uWu!
Anikó Lévai: What the fuck did you just say?
Orbán: I said uWu!
Anikó Lévai: I want to kill myself.
Orbán: And I want to be a furry. See? We both have our quirks.
Anikó Lévai: Oh my God.
Orbán: Just please don’t tell anyone about this. If Ferenc Gyurcsány finds out I’ll be deader than Suzy Sheep.
Gyurcsány: hi
Orbán: (screams) FERENC GYURCSANY! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
Gyurcsány: I don’t know. I was bored, you left the window open. Nice fursuit by the way.
Orbán: Thanks, I mean-
Gyurcsány: We should go to a furry convention together sometime.
Orbán: Wait, you’re a furry too?
Gyurcsány: Of course! My fursona is a grouse.
Orbán: Huh.
Gyurcsány: Yeah.
[Pause.]
Orbán: I still hate you though.
[fin]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E3: Breaking Dad [June 25, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. Patrick, dressed in a mailman uniform, enters with a sack of letters. SpongeBob walks out from his kitchen.]
SpongeBob: Patrick! You’re back from your transfer to Hungary! How was it?
Patrick: Eh, it was overrated to be completely honest. I mean, for starters most people I came across seemed pretty full-up to me.
[Squidward looks up from his PlaySquid magazine.]
Squidward: Patrick?! You’re a… mailman now?
Patrick: Yeah. Living under a rock doesn’t come cheap, you know. I just came back from Hungary, it’s a long story that we’ll probably never elaborate on. Anyway, I got something for you.
[Patrick hands Squidward a letter.]
Squidward: Oh, uh… thanks.
[Squidward tears off the envelope, takes the letter out and starts reading it. He becomes increasingly more anxious and frustrated with every word he reads out.]
Squidward: “Dearest Squid Edward, it’s been a long time since your mother and I divorced and an even longer time since we last saw each other. Which is why through some brief stalking on your socials I have obtained your home address and intend to visit you this weekend to catch up with my old son. To reiterate, I am visiting you on June 25th. Yours sincerely, Dad.”
[Squidward screams and rips the letter up into tiny pieces.]
Squidward: GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME!
Patrick: Jesus Christ, Squidward, it’s just a letter.
SpongeBob: No Patrick, you don’t understand! Squidward’s dad is coming to visit!
Patrick: Yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Squidward’s father… (sobs) never hugged him. Isn’t that sad?! (starts crying)
Patrick: Well yes, I suppose that is rather sad but can’t Squidward hug himself during his break or something?
Squidward: Ugh, could you two please stop eavesdropping on me?
SpongeBob: Sorry.
Patrick: Who’s Eavesdropping? Is he your father?
Squidward: Guys, this is getting ridiculous. I’ll have you two know that my father loved me very much. He hugged me loads of times… when I was a baby… and then he left forever. I don’t even remember it.
[Squidward bursts into tears and SpongeBob and Patrick soon follow. Larry the Lobster approaches the counter with an empty cup.]
Larry: Hey, could I get a refill on my unlimited water?
[Squidward’s tears fill up Larry’s cup.]
Larry: Thanks.
[Larry walks off.]
Squidward: From what- from what my mother tells me, my father is a very conservative man. He would be incredibly disappointed in me turning out to be a- a… a cashier! I doubt he’d even approve of my musical talents.
Patrick: You have musical talent?
Squidward: I play the clarinet.
Patrick: Poorly.
Squidward: You really aren’t helping.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Squidward! We’ll help you impress your father!
Squidward: You- you’d do that for me?
SpongeBob: Of course! That’s what friends are for.
Squidward: SpongeBob, we are not friends.
SpongeBob: (laughs) You’re such a kidder, Squidward.
[Bubble transition to Conch Street. Squidward’s dad, a tall stern-looking bloke, begins walking towards Squidward’s house. SpongeBob and Patrick are hiding behind a coral bush watching him.]
SpongeBob: There he is, Patrick! That must be Squidward’s father!
Patrick: He’s hot.
SpongeBob: I suppose he is vaguely good-looking.
[SpongeBob gets out a Goofy Goober-branded walkie talkie.]
SpongeBob: Pssst! Looney Loofah to Lil Squiddy! Come in Lil Squiddy!
[Cut to Squidward inside his house dressed in a doctor’s uniform talking into another Goofy Goober-branded walkie talkie.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, are you sure this is a good idea?
SpongeBob: Roger; I mean we can’t back down now.
Patrick: Who’s Roger?
Squidward: (in Rodger Bumpass’ resting voice) He’s talking to me.
[Squidward’s dad rings Squidward’s doorbell.]
SpongeBob: FLIPPIN’ FLOTSAMS HE’S HERE!
Squidward: (gulps) Well, here goes nothing.
[Squidward opens the door.]
Squidward’s Dad: …well son, I made it… despite your directions.
Squidward: (awkwardly) Ah… Dad! …I hope you’re prepared for… an unforgettable luncheon!
Squidward’s Dad: Please, just call me Jeff.
Squidward: Sure thing, Dad!
[Pause.]
Squidward: So, heh… you wanna… come in or-
Jeff: That would be… desirable.
[Jeff walks in and Squidward closes the door behind him.]
Squidward: Here, let me take your things for you.
[Squidward takes off his dad’s coat and hat and hangs them on his coat rack.]
Jeff: Ah, you are… most kind. What’s with your, uh… fashion sense?
Squidward: Huh?
[Jeff points down to Squidward’s doctor’s uniform.]
Squidward: Oh, I- heh, sorry I forgot you were coming and… (takes out a cue card written in SpongeBob’s handwriting) “had to quickly drop everything and come straight here from work”.
[Pause.]
Jeff: …
Squidward: I’m a, heh… I’m a surgeon.
Jeff: I see.
[Pause.]
Jeff: And when you say you had to quickly drop everything-
Squidward: Oh, uh, I was… in the middle of an important life-saving surgery!
[Pause.]
Squidward: Well, I mean it wasn’t THAT important and life-saving, heh.
[Pause; Squidward starts nervously sweating.]
Squidward: You wanna… come and sit down or anything?
[Pause.]
Jeff: I do suppose that would be the next appropriate action, yes.
[Squidward and his father walk over to his kitchen table. Squidward pulls out a seat for Jeff.]
Jeff: Hm.
[Jeff sits down and Squidward seats himself at the opposite end of the table.]
Squidward: So… heh, what have you been up to over the last… however long it’s been since we’ve last seen each other, heh?
Jeff: Oh, uh, thanks for asking. I haven’t been up too much recently to be completely honest. I discovered a cure for cancer, so I mean there’s that. And you?
Squidward: And me?
Jeff: You’re a surgeon, are you not? I’m sure you’ve saved quite a few people’s lives during your time in the medical industry.
Squidward: Well, um… funny thing actually…
[Pause.]
Squidward: Excuse me one moment.
Jeff: Of course.
[Squidward rushes over to his kitchen and slams the door.]
Squidward: Oh, this is terrible! My father thinks I’m a complete lunatic! I need to do something quick or I’m gonna blow-
[The camera pans over to SpongeBob working Squidward’s cooker.]
Squidward: Um, SpongeBob? What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m just making dinner for you both! Don’t worry about a thing.
Squidward: Oh, heh. That’s so thoughtful of you, thanks. What are you making?
SpongeBob: Oh it’s a surprise! Don’t worry though, it’s the most sophisticated thing I could think of with what I’m working with.
Squidward: Well, um… Thanks, again I mean.
SpongeBob: Please don’t worry about it. Just get back in there and carry on with the small talk!
Squidward: I’ll try…
[Squidward heads back into his dining room. Jeff is staring at one of Squidward’s paintings - Bold and Brash - hanging on his wall.]
Jeff: Your interior decoration skills are… less than desirable.
Squidward: Oh, that ugly thing? That was, um… a gift. Yeah, a gift. It’d be rude to take it down.
Jeff: How considerate of you. It really is quite a dreadful work of art though, I must say.
Squidward: Yeah… yeah I… (sighs) yeah it really stinks, doesn’t it?
Jeff: Who were you talking to just now?
Squidward: Sorry?
Jeff: I heard another voice coming from the kitchen. A male voice.
Squidward: Oh, him? I- He- he’s just… a…
[SpongeBob enters in a chef outfit.]
SpongeBob: I’m his personal chef! (laughs)
Jeff: Personal… chef? In this economy?
SpongeBob: Well, you know, Squidward didn’t spend years training to be a surgeon for nothing.
Jeff: Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah?
Jeff: …I am terribly sorry but I do appear to owe you an overdue apology. I think… I think I may have misjudged you. Despite living in the dump of a town that is Bikini Bottom… you are very well-off, my son. I’m… proud of you.
[Squidward’s eyes start glimmering.]
Squidward: You’re… proud of me?
Jeff: Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like you’re a cashier at The Krusty Krab or anything? (scoffs at his own joke)
SpongeBob: What’s wrong with The Krusty Krab?
Squidward: Nothing, SpongeBob, nothing at all. Get back to the kitchen.
SpongeBob: But- but- this fiend here is shittalking the most beloved-
[Squidward starts forcibly pushing SpongeBob back into the kitchen.]
Squidward: Heh, heh, he’s such a kidder isn’t he? (nervously laughs)
[Squidward slams the kitchen door behind me.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, for once I am eternally grateful for what you are doing for me right now, but please don’t ruin this for me. I think my father actually likes me for once!
SpongeBob: Or at least he thinks he does.
Squidward: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I think this was a bad idea. This is wrong. Your dad doesn’t like YOU, he thinks you’re a surgeon for crying out loud!
Squidward: Okay, maybe we’re stretching the truth a little bit here, but so what? This was your idea, and it’s working! I think I’m finally reconnecting with my estranged father!
SpongeBob: I’m sorry but… this is wrong.
[SpongeBob turns off the cooker.]
Squidward: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: If your dad won’t appreciate the real you, then he’s not your dad at all. This fancy dinner is off, I’m getting us some Krabby Patties.
[SpongeBob starts walking out.]
Squidward: SpongeBob! Wait! Don’t go!
[SpongeBob leaves.]
Jeff: What’s the matter with him?
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! WAITTT!
[Squidward bursts out the door and starts chasing after SpongeBob too.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!!!!
[Squidward notices a band made up of several people set up on a sidewalk. He briefly stops for a second, and tips the group a quarter.]
Squidward: Hey, you got any chase music?
[The band all look at each other and shrug.]
Guitarist: I think we know one.
[The band starts playing Grass Skirt Chase as Squidward resumes chasing after SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!! NO!!!!!!
SpongeBob: (calling back to Squidward, panting) THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, SQUIDWARD!
[Jeff bursts out of Squidward’s house and starts chasing Squidward.]
Jeff: HEY, SON!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!!!!
[Patrick also joins in on the chase by running after Jeff.]
Patrick: Hey! I’m in this episode too!
[The group, now all chasing each other, follow SpongeBob, weave in and out of downtown Bikini Bottom traffic and finally arrive at The Krusty Krab just as Grass Skirt Chase reaches its final note. Mr. Krabs is standing in the middle of the restaurant mopping the floors.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? I thought today was your day off.
[Squidward enters, panting.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward?
[Jeff enters.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward’s father?
[Patrick enters.]
Mr. Krabs: …I don’t actually know who you are.
Patrick: I’m Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Who?
Patrick: …Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: As in Saint Patrick?
SpongeBob: Come on, Mr. Krabs, you know Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Who?
SpongeBob: Doesn’t matter.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you again? Has anyone seen my granddaughter Timothy?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you don’t have any grandchildren.
Mr. Krabs: Yes I do.
SpongeBob: Whatever.
Mr. Krabs: I still don’t know who anyone is.
SpongeBob: You knew who we were a second ago.
Mr. Krabs: I’ve never seen you all before in my life.
Squidward: You’ve been my boss for the last twenty something years, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you?
Jeff: Wait… this guy is your boss?
Squidward: Um, well-
Jeff: But this isn’t the surgery.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: (sighs) I’m sorry Squidward, but he needs to know.
Squidward: (sighs) Yeah, I guess you’re right. Dad… I’m not a surgeon at all. I’m a… cashier at a fast-food joint. I only told you I was a surgeon to try and impress you! I mean… you have never even hugged me. I just… I just wanted you to be there for me. I’m sorry.
[Pause. Jeff bursts into spontaneous laughter.]
Jeff: (laughs) What a fucking loser! I knew this was too good to be true! I knew it!
[Jeff wipes away his tears from laughing too hard.]
Jeff: Oh my God, and I bet you were lying about that lottery ticket too?
Squidward: L- Lottery ticket? What lottery ticket?
Jeff: The one you won and posted about on Twitter?
[Pause.]
Jeff: The thousand dollars you won?
[Pause.]
Squidward: Dad, I haven’t won a lottery ticket recently. I don’t like gambling.
Jeff: But- But if it wasn’t you who won all that money-
Squidward: Oh. You’re probably thinking about cousin Stella.
Jeff: Oh.
[Pause.]
Jeff: So… I suppose you have no money to lend to me and this whole trip was a waste of time?
[Pause.]
Jeff: Alright, see ya!
[Jeff walks out of the restaurant still laughing. Squidward frowns.]
Squidward: He… he only visited me because he thought I won the lottery.
Patrick: Ouch.
Squidward: All I ever wanted was for him to h-
[SpongeBob hugs Squidward.]
SpongeBob: You don’t need him, Squidward. You are better than him.
[Pause.]
Squidward: Thanks SpongeBob.
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: Seriously though, who the fuck are you people?
SpongeBob: We should probably get Mr. Krabs a doctor though right after we get you a therapist.
Squidward: Yeah.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E4: Mr. Krabs Has Alzheimer's [June 25, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[“Previously on The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show…”]
Mr. Krabs: Who are you again? Has anyone seen my granddaughter Timothy?
[“And now on The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show…”]
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom Hospital. SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs and Pearl are in an office with Dr. Gill Gilliam.]
SpongeBob: How bad is it, Doc?
Gill Gilliam: Hmm… I’m afraid I can’t give an official diagnosis but from what I can tell Eugene here has unfortunately developed a rather sudden severe unrecognised case of Alzheimer’s.
Mr. Krabs: I’ve developed what?
Squidward: You have Alzheimer’s, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I have what now? Has anyone seen my granddaughter Timothy?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you don’t have a granddaughter named Timothy!
Mr. Krabs: Who’s Mr. Krabs?
[Pearl bursts into a heap of tears.]
Pearl: I WANT MY DADDY BACK!!!!
Gill Gilliam: I- I… I’m so sorry, I think we’ve lost him.
Mr. Krabs: Who have we lost?
Pearl: Daddy, hang in there. Everything is going to be just fine.
Mr. Krabs: Pearl…
Pearl: (gasps) He remembers me!
Mr. Krabs: Have you seen my granddaughter Timothy?
Pearl: …
SpongeBob: I’m sorry Doctor, this is all happening so fast! What are we supposed to do?!
Gill Gilliam: Well, once we get an official diagnosis, which would probably involve having an MRI done… this is hard for me to say but personally I’d suggest putting the poor guy into care.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs…? In a care home…?
Gill Gilliam: I’m really sorry to say but… (sighs) he can’t look after himself in this state, let alone his daughter and that’s before we even mention his business!
[Pearl starts crying again and tightly hugs Mr. Krabs.]
Hello darkness my old friend…
[The camera starts slowly fading out of the hospital.]
I’ve to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sounds… of silence
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep walking home from a date in the rain.]
In restless dreams I walked alone
Daddy Pig: Gee, Mummy Sheep, that funny Minions movie sure was funny!
Narrow streets of cobblestone
Mummy Sheep: I know! Gru certainly did rise.
’Neath the halo of a streetlamp
[Daddy Pig’s phone starts ringing.]
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
Daddy Pig: Sorry, it’s SpongeBob, I need to take this.
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
[Daddy Pig answers his phone.]
That split the night
Daddy Pig: Ollo?
And touched the sound… of silence
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig… come quick. It’s not looking good.
Daddy Pig: Why? What happened? Mummy Sheep and I just got out from watching the hit movie Minions: The Rise of Gru!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, this is no time for messing around.
Daddy Pig: I’m not messing around! You should have come with us! Those minions are hilarious! ‘Specially that Bob, he’s so cute.
Mummy Sheep: I’m more of a Kevin guy myself.
SpongeBob: Guys, this is serious! It… it… (sighs) it’s Mr. Krabs.
[The screen fades into a shot of the Shady Shoals care home. Two employees aid Mr. Krabs as he walks in.]
Employee 1: Now don’ ya worry, Eugene, we’re gonna take good care of chu. Everythin’ is gonna be cushty.
Employee 2: Yeah. Better Days are ahead, Better Days.
[Mr. Krabs slaps one of the employees.]
Mr. Krabs: Get ya filthy hands off of me! I can walk by myself! Also, who are you people?
[The camera turns over to a crowd of people including SpongeBob, Pearl, Squidward and Daddy Pig watching Mr. Krabs walking into the care home. Pearl is still crying, and she holds her father’s girlfriend Mrs. Puff tightly.]
Mrs. Puff: It’s okay, dear. I love Eugene but, this is the right thing to do.
Squidward: He was getting quite old anyway I guess.
[The camera fades into a shot of The Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Squidward are inside mopping up. Pause.]
Squidward: So… what are we gonna do with this place?
SpongeBob: Huh? What do you mean?
Squidward: SpongeBob, I don’t know if you realise but our boss has been put into a care home for crying out loud!
SpongeBob: I’m sorry Squidward but my brain just won’t process this right now. Everything’s moving so fast!
[Pause.]
Squidward: (sighs) I know, SpongeBob, I know… but this place is ours now.
[Pause.]
Squidward: I say we sell it.
SpongeBob: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK SQUIDWARD?! We can’t just sell The Krusty Krab!
Squidward: Aw come on! We get less and less customers with each passing day and quite frankly I don’t care enough to run this joint and you’re too reta- …special to know how!
SpongeBob: I could run this place!
Squidward: Oh puh-lease, last time Mr. Krabs left you in charge there were two fatal casualties.
SpongeBob: Three if you count the poor guy’s pet snail.
[The camera pans over to Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep sitting at a table closeby.]
Mummy Sheep: We can’t close this place! We’re supposed to be getting married here in a few months!
Daddy Pig: Yeah!
SpongeBob: See? Daddy Pig’s on my side. And he’s a bit of an expert at this kind of stuff.
Daddy Pig: I am. I’m an expert at a lot of things! Alzheimer’s, structural engineering, masturbating on the moon-
Squidward: Masturbating where?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig wanked on the moon once.
Daddy Pig: (slams his fist on the table) AND A JOLLY GOOD WANK IT WAS TOO!
Squidward: (sighs) Well, I guess if you want it SpongeBob… this place is yours.
SpongeBob: FUCK YEAH!
Squidward: You know, I always hated the guy but now that he’s senile… I miss Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob: We all do, Squidward. This is hard for all of us, especially Pearl.
Mummy Sheep: At least this can’t get any worse, right?
[Patrick walks in wearing his mailman outfit.]
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew!
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick.
Patrick: I got, uh, some mail here for ya buddy.
SpongeBob: Thanks Patrick.
[Patrick passes SpongeBob a letter and he starts opening it.]
Patrick: Where’s Mr. Krabs?
Squidward: He’s in a care home.
Patrick: Lol what a fucking loser.
SpongeBob: (reading letter) “Dear owner of this property, this is once again another reminder that you have not paid your due debt and it is consequently rising with each passing day. If it is not paid soon, serious action will be taken. Lots of love, your landlord.” Huh, that’s weird.
Squidward: I didn’t know Mr. Krabs rented this place.
SpongeBob: It’s cheaper than just buying the building outright I guess.
Squidward: So how much debt is he in?
SpongeBob: Huh, let’s see. We just need to pay… (his eyes widen) ONE MORBILLION DOLLARS??!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Mr. Krabs is in a lot of debt.
SpongeBob: Well, I’m sure this won’t be that hard to fix. I mean, I’m dropping by Shady Shoals tomorrow anyway, we can ask Mr. Krabs for the money then.
Squidward: Um… SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes Squidward?
Squidward: Aren’t you forgetting something?
SpongeBob: Like what?
[Pause.]
Squidward: …Mr. Krabs doesn’t own The Krusty Krab anymore… we do.
[Pause.]
Squidward: This debt is… our problem.
SpongeBob: (gulps) Oh.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E5: Death, Time Travel and Pigs [July 15, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
(Opens at the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: How can we possibly pay this debt?
Squidward: I don’t know. Besides why do we even still care about this restaurant?
Mummy Sheep: It’s where me and Daddy Pig are gonna have our wedding here!
Daddy Pig: Yeah! Also, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: I’m gonna head back to your place. I’m getting tried.
SpongeBob: Okay, bye!
(Daddy Pig goes to SpongeBob’s House)
Daddy Pig: Time to go make some pretzels!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has not learned a thing from S2E5.
Daddy Pig: Shut Up!
(Daddy Pig goes in SpongeBob’s Kitchen)
Daddy Pig: Do de dadiddy dum, making pretzels till’ my hand is num! Time to add some salt!
(Daddy Pig drops the salt)
Daddy Pig: Opps! Well, what’s the worst thing that could happen?
Gary 2: Meeeeoooowww! *dies*
Daddy Pig: heheh. Wait...
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: OH MY FUCKING GOD I KILLED GARY 2!!! Wait, I can fix this... I got it! Sandy! Sandy!
(Daddy Pig goes to Sandy’s Treedome)
Daddy Pig: Sandy!
Sandy: Yeah?
Daddy Pig: I need to use your time traveling watch! I accidentally killed Gary 2!
Sandy: Ok, but remember: every the smallest thing could cause the present day to be totally different!
Daddy Pig: Ok, ok, just give me the watch! Let’s see here, ah-ha! The day SpongeBob met Gary!
(Daddy Pig travels back in time)
Daddy Pig: Ah, here it is! Kamp Koral!
Young SpongeBob: Hello, little snail.
Gary: Meow.
Young SpongeBob: What’s your name? Gary, huh?
Gary: Meow
Young SpongeBob: Well, hi, Gary. Gary, do you want to be friends?
Gary: Meow.
Young SpongeBob: Me, too
Daddy Pig: Ok, so I’ll just time travel a few seconds back!
(Daddy Pig time travel a few seconds back)
Young SpongeBob: Well, hi, Gary. Gary, do you want to be frie-
Daddy Pig: WATCH OUT THAT SNAIL HAS RABIES!
Young SpongeBob: Aw man!
Gary: Meow.
Daddy Pig: Welp, my work here is done!
(Daddy Pig time travel back to present day)
Daddy Pig: Aw, Town, sweet- wait, why is everything so destroyed-y?
Mr. Timeline Change Detector: Hi I’m Mr. Timeline Change Detector! The reason why everything is so destroyed-y is because Gary saved Bikini Bottom 10 years ago!
Daddy Pig: But couldn’t Gary save Bikini Bottom without SpongeBob?
Mr. Timeline Change Detector: Because, without SpongeBob, Gary had no food and died.
Daddy Pig: Oh...
SpongeBob: Hi, Daddy Pig! Want to come back inside our destroyed house.
Daddy Pig: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
SpongeBob: What the-
Daddy Pig: I GOTTA FIX THE TIMELINE!
Suzy Sheep: Hello.
Daddy Pig: YOUR ALVIE IN THIS TIMELINE?!
Suzy Sheep: Yep.
Daddy Pig: AHHHHHH!
(Daddy Pig time travel to the past)
Young SpongeBob: Hello, little snai-
Daddy Pig: ADOPT THAT FUCKING SNAIL RIGHT KNOW!
[Pause.]
Young SpongeBob: Okay!
Daddy Pig: Know, let’s see here... AHA! I should time travel to right before I killed Gary 2!
(Daddy Pig time travels again)
Past Daddy Pig: Do de dadiddy dum!, making pretzels Till’ my hand is num! Time to add the sal-
Daddy Pig: DON’T GET OUT THE SALT IT WILL KILL GARY 2!!!
Past Daddy Pig: Okay?
(Daddy Pig time travels to the present)
Daddy Pig: Back to the present!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig! I’m home!
Daddy Pig: Hi!
Gary 2: Meow.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, it’s time for you to go! The Daddy Pig Dribblers has a game in 5 minutes! Also, cool watch!
Daddy Pig: Ok, bye!
(Daddy Pig leaves)
SpongeBob: Now I just need to figure out how to pay that debt I owe.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E6: All My MPs Gone [July 22, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom News tower. Cut to an office where Perch Perkins is frantically pacing around.]
Perch Perkins: Agh! Come on, Perch! You need big stories, big ideas!
[A Bikini Bottomite knocks on the door.]
Perch Perkins: Um, come in!
[Another employee walks in.]
Perch Perkins: You know you don’t have to knock, right?
[The camera slides up to reveal the employee to be none other than Penis Parker.]
Parker: Um, sorry sir. I just, heh, wanted to make sure you weren’t masturbating or anything.
Perch Perkins: Wh- why would I be doing that? Nevermind, I ain’t got time for this. You’re the new unpaid intern, right?
Parker: Paid intern, actually. Barely paid but for a teenager like me, money is money.
Perch Perkins: I’m so sorry but I really couldn’t care less right now. It’s been a slow news month and if I don’t come up with something soon, my career is over. Right now the only stories worth talking about are Peppa Pig World politics and PenisMan. We’re not even in Peppa Pig World, and no one knows who PenisMan is for crying out loud!
Parker: I, uh, might know a thing or two about PenisMan.
Perch Perkins: (sighs) It’s no use. I think I better just start packing my things up.
Parker: No, um, heh, please don’t. There’s… someone who wants to see you actually.
Perch Perkins: (shivers) Oh Neptune. The boss?
Parker: Not quite. Although considering she married Boris Johnson, I’d say she’s just as stupid.
[Cut to Perch Perkins sitting down at a desk opposite Carrie Johnson. Perch is frantically making notes.]
Perch Perkins: Holy fuck… this is quite the accusation, miss.
Carrie: Mrs., and yeah it’s quite the accusation indeed.
Perch Perkins: This is just the story I need! Once I show this to the guys I think we’ll be more than happy to publish this on your behalf! There’s just one problem though.
Carrie: What do you mean?
Perch Perkins: I can’t find any sources or evidence or anything in your story here.
Carrie: I’m Boris’ wife! What more do you want?!
Perch Perkins: I guess that is true… alright, unless the upper guys object, this is going straight into the papers first thing tomorrow!
[Cut to 10 Downing Street.]
Neil Parish: I WAS LOOKING FOR TRACTORS, I SWEAR!
Boris Johnson: I understand, Neil, it’s an honest mistake. Happens to me all the time. But I’m afraid I think it would be best if you went.
Neil Parish: BUT I WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR TRACTORS!
Boris Johnson: I know, I know, but er, a team is only as strong as its weakest link and I just don’t want you bringing the Conservative party down.
Neil Parish: Oh really? Me? The weakest link? Look who’s talking.
Boris Johnson: What? It’s not like I’ve murdered anyone or anything.
[The TV suddenly switches on.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) BREAKING NEWS - Boris Johnson’s wife accuses him of the tragic murder of beloved LGBTQ+ icon and rights activist Suzy Sheep on November 17th of last year!
Neil Parish: …you did what now?
Boris Johnson: I WAS TRYING TO MURDER TRACTORS, I SWEAR!
Neil Parish: You killed Suzy Sheep, Boris?
Boris Johnson: (fanning himself with his hand) Whew. Is it hot in here or just me?
Neil Parish: Did you, or did you not murder Suzy Sheep on November 17th 2021?
Boris Johnson: Well, I don’t exactly remember what I was doing on the 17th-
Neil Parish: (sighs) If I weren’t resigning before, I definitely am now. Give me that.
[Neil Parish grabs an unsigned resignation letter from Boris, signs it, and walks out.]
Boris Johnson: Jesus Christ I really didn’t think Carrie would tell anyone! (sighs) Well, my loyal Tories supported me all through partygate, I’m sure they’ll stick with me here-
[Sajid Javid walks in.]
Boris Johnson: Ayyyyyyy! Sajid! My main man! How’s it going?
Sajid Javid: Not too good actually, Boris.
Boris Johnson: What’s wrong? Still worked up over Chris Pincher? You know, Pincher by name, Pincher by nature - that’s what I always say! (fakes a laugh)
Sajid Javid: Well actually… I’ve, um, come to give you my letter of resignation.
Boris Johnson: Oh um… huh. I- I don’t know what to say, but I mean um… I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.
Sajid Javid: I don’t. Enjoy your next trip at Peppa Pig World for me though!
[Sajid walks off.]
Boris Johnson: I always knew that Sajid was a fucking twat. Well, two MPs have resigned. Can’t get that much worse, right?
[Rishi Sunak walks in with another resignation letter.]
Boris Johnson: Jesus Christ.
[Yakety Sax begins playing as the camera pans out from 10 Downing Street to reveal an entire queue of MPs lined up to resign. A timelapse is shown of the MPs moving down the line one by one and resigning. As this happens, more and more news reporters, press and police officers arrive at the scene.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins reporting live from London on behalf of Bikini Bottom News. Following the shocking allegations made against Boris earlier, a whopping total of 60 MPs have resigned from Boris Johnson’s government! Here with me now is minister Jacob Rees-Mogg. Thank you for joining us today, sir.
Rees-Mogg: Eh? What?
Perch Perkins: You are live on Bikini Bottom News.
Rees-Mogg: Oh, right.
Perch Perkins: It’s safe to say that pretty much everyone and their grandmother thinks Boris Johnson is a sausage roll. What do you think will happen next? Will Boris resign himself?
Rees-Mogg: Of course not! This is just business as usual. Boris Johnson is a- um, he’s a great prime minister and I can see him serving this country for plenty of decades to come!
Perch Perkins: Thank you for your time, Mr. Rees-Mogg. And this just in ladies and gentlemen - Boris has announced his intention to resign!
Rees-Mogg: WHAT THE FUCK
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Gary 2 and Mummy Sheep are inside celebrating.]
All: 🎶CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!🎶
[Cut to Boris Johnson giving a speech outside 10 Downing Street.]
Boris Johnson: And I am sad to be giving up the best job in the world, but… them’s the breaks.
Peter Griffin: Boo! Get to the sex!
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig watching the speech on TV.]
SpongeBob: You know, I honestly never thought he’d resign.
Daddy Pig: Neither did he until this morning.
[Cut back to 10 Downing Street.]
Boris Johnson: W- Was that a good speech? Did you get all of that?
[Suddenly, a police car pulls up. Police Officer Panda and Police Officer Squirrel step out.]
Police Officer Squirrel: Mr. Johnson, you are under arrest on suspicion of murdering Suzy Sheep… again.
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Shit! I don’t have any cups of tea on me.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E7: In Liz We Truss [September 5, 2022] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Peppa Pig World Jail.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is the Peppa Pig World Jail, where all the naughty boys and girls go.
[Boris Johnson is inside his cell, bouncing a rubber ball against the wall.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear, Boris Johnson has been a very naughty boy! He is in jail on suspicion of murdering beloved gay rights activist Suzy Sheep.
Boris Johnson: (sighs) When I said that Peppa Pig World was very much my kind of place, this is not what I meant.
[Police Officer Panda and Police Officer Squirrel enter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: These are Police Officer Panda and Police Officer Squirrel, the prison guards.
Boris Johnson: Huzzah! Finally! Have I been bailed out?
Police Officer Panda: Boris, your trial in court still awaits.
Boris Johnson: Bloody wankers…
Police Officer Squirrel: We do have some jail letters for you though!
Boris Johnson: Oh goody! Is there a letter from my scrunkly Rees-Mogg?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are having an affair together.
Police Officer Squirrel: Uh… no.
[Police Officer Squirrel hides an envelope containing vast amounts of Jacob Rees-Mogg nudes inside.]
Police Officer Panda: This letter’s from someone else, they say they’re a close friend. They’re also… replacing you as the new leader of the Tories.
[Cut to floods of press outside 10 Downing Street.]
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here reporting live for Bikini Bottom News! We are once again outside Downing Street in London, where the new leader of the Conservative Party, and consequently the new prime minister, is about to be announced!
[Cut to SpongeBob’s house, where he, Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Gary 2 and Sikowitz are watching the report.]
Sikowitz: I honestly don’t see what all the fuss is all about. The UK is fucked either way.
[Pan over to Mummy Sheep, who is wearing a plethora of Rishi Sunak-themed clothing and holding Rishi Sunak flags, etc., etc.]
Mummy Sheep: COME ON RISHI!!!!!!!!!! LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: I didn’t know you were a Tory, Mummy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: I’m not, I just fucking love Rishi. How are you doing on the Rishmas tree, Gary?
[Pan over to Gary 2, who is decorating a Christmas tree with Rishi-themed ornaments.]
Gary 2: God I wanna fuck Rishi Sunak.
Sikowitz: What the-
SpongeBob: NOT YOU TOO, GARY!
Gary 2: I actually agree with a lot of Tory ideologies, just to set the record straight. I’ve been a proud paying member of the Republicans my entire life.
SpongeBob: We adopted you from the animal shelter only a couple months ago.
Gary 2: I’ve been alive long enough to know that Rishi Sunak is the goddamn sexiest creature on the planet.
Mummy Sheep: Amen.
[Mummy Sheep and Gary 2 high-five.]
Mummy Sheep: He would be better if he had tits though.
Daddy Pig: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MUMMY SHEEP
Mummy Sheep: What? All I’m saying is that I love boobies.
Daddy Pig: You love me more though, right?
Mummy Sheep: Oh look, they’re just about to announce who won!
[Cut back to Perch Perkins.]
Perch Perkins: -and with 60,399 votes is… Rishi Sunak!
[Cut back to SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
Mummy Sheep: FUUUUUUUUCK YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gary 2: I AM SO HORNY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Sikowitz: WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE ACTUAL FUCK UP???????!!!!!!!!!!!
Perch Perkins: (on TV) …which means that with the remaining 81,216 votes… LIZ TRUSS IS THE UK’S NEW PRIME MINISTER!!!!
[Mummy Sheep and Gary 2 stare at the TV in shock.]
Gary 2: …I want to kill myself.
[Mummy Sheep throws the TV remote at the Rishmas tree, causing it to collapse on the floor.]
SpongeBob: Just out of curiosity, how did you pay for all this Rishi Sunak shit?
Gary 2: Oh, I borrowed your credit card. I knew you wouldn’t mind.
SpongeBob: I have to put up with a lot of bullshit, so believe me when I say I really can’t stand you sometimes.
[Cut back to Perch Perkins.]
Perch Perkins: We have an exclusive interview with the new PM, Liz Truss, right now!
[Liz walks on]
Perch Perkins: Good afternoon, Liz. Or should I call you Ms. Truss?
Liz Truss: Hello. I hate transgender people.
Perch Perkins: Alright then. So what inspired you to launch your successful campaign for prime minister?
Liz Truss: My hatred for transgender people.
Perch Perkins: I see. As you take your first steps into 10 Downing Street tomorrow, what are your immediate plans for this country?
Liz Truss: Well, I’m definitely not going to ban trans conversion therapy.
Perch Perkins: That is very, um, interesting to hear. Do you have anything else to say to our viewers at home?
Liz Truss: We as British people need to be eating more British food. Currently, we import two thirds of our cheese. That. Is. A. Disgrace.
Perch Perkins: …I, uh… well… there you have it folks! The new British prime minister - Liz Truss!
Liz Truss: Thank you, thank you. Oh! And one other thing - I’d like to thank everyone in the Conservative Party who backed my campaign. And to the Tories who voted for Rishi, suck my dick.
Perch Perkins: You have a dick?
Liz Truss: No, I-
Perch Perkins: I thought you just said you hated transgender people-
Liz Truss: No! It’s an expression. And I don’t hate transgender people, they just don’t deserve human rights.
Perch Perkins: I see.
[Liz Truss begins walking off. She begins looking off into the distance, confused, and looks around her.]
Liz Truss: Where the- where the fuck is the exit?
[Cut back to Boris Johnson in jail, finishing reading his letter.]
Boris Johnson: -”yours sincerely, your good friend Liz Truss”. I fucking hate that bitch.
Police Officer Squirrel: You know, even though everyone hates you, you should probably send a letter back.
Boris Johnson: Yeah, I suppose so. Just- just tell the press that I am happy to be passing the torch to Lizzy and that I think she will make a great leader.
Police Officer Panda: But you just said you, and I quote, “fucking hate that bitch”.
Boris Johnson: I do! But they don’t need to know that.
[Everyone falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Boris Johnson loves lying to the media! Everyone loves lying to the media!
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E8: Prehistoric Pig [September 13, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob's pineapple. Cut to the inside.]
SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Gary 2 & Sikowitz: 🎵God save our gracious King! Long live our noble King! God save the King! Send him victorious, Happy and glorious, Long to reign over us, God save the King. Thy choicest gifts in store On him be pleased to pour, Long may he reign. May he defend our laws, And ever give us cause, To sing with heart and voice, God save the King.🎵
[Theme song; cut to the gang watching TV in SpongeBob's living room.]
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins, here. The queen is dead.
Sikowitz: lol fucking loser
Mummy Sheep: LIES!!!!!!!
[Mummy Sheep throws her remote at the TV]
SpongeBob: It’s okay, Mummy Sheep. We all are grieving in our own ways.
Gary 2: FUCK YOU, SPONGEBOB!!! SHE IS JUST SECRETLY ALIVE!!!
Perch Perkins: And here to speak with me is Liz Truss!
Mummy Sheep: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Mummy Sheep throws SpongeBob’s High School diploma at the TV, destroying both it and the TV.]
SpongeBob: Hey! I used that diploma to get into fry cook college!
Gary 2: WE DON’T CARE!!!
[Gary 2 frustratingly jumps up and down on the destroyed TV, further destroying it.]
Sikowitz: Hey, where the fuck is Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: I’ll check the kitchen.
[Cut to SpongeBob’s kitchen; Daddy Pig is looking though the kitchen cabinets, where he finds Sandy's time-traveling watch given to him by Sandy in the episode Death, Time Travel and Pigs next to the salt.]
Daddy Pig: Ah-ha!
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig! I see that you have your cool watch.
Daddy Pig: Yeah... I just finished mopping the kitchen. (slips on a water puddle) WOAH! [
[Daddy Pig bonks his head on the kitchen cabinet, causing the salt to fall. Gary 2 walks in.]
Gary 2: Hi gu-
[The salt falls on Gary 2 and he fucking dies.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig has murdered Gary 2... again.
SpongeBob: OH MY GOD GARY 2 IS FUCKING DEAD!!!
Daddy Pig: Don’t worry! I can fix this!
[Daddy Pig grabs onto SpongeBob’s hand.]
SpongeBob: (blushes) WHAT THE FU-
[Daddy Pig's time-travelling watch sends the two back in time. Sikowitz walks into the kitchen.]
Sikowitz: Hey SpongeBo- SpongeBob? Oh hey look, Gary 2 is Dead. Heh.
Mummy Sheep: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig, who have accidentally time-travelled to prehistoric times.]
Daddy Pig: Now let’s- wait.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig! WE’VE TIME TRAVELED TO CAVEMAN TIMES!
Daddy Pig: Eh.
SpongeBob: Well then, let’s time travel ba-
[The time-traveling watch grows a propeller and flies away. The two stare in awe.]
SpongeBob: Holy shit.
Daddy Pig: Let’s go follow it!
SpongeBob: (groans) Ok.
Prehistoric Narrator: Ook Ekk Oat Ook Ook Ekk (Daddy Pig and SpongeBob are going after the time-traveling watch.)
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah! English hasn’t been invented yet.
SpongeBob: Maybe it has...
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: Look!
[SpongeBob points over to a cave, where prehistoric versions of the Pig family live; cut to said cave.]
Caveman Peppa: Daddy! I’ve invented a new language!
Caveman Daddy Pig: Okk Oak Swear Swear (I have no idea what your fucking saying.)
Daddy Pig: Wow, Peppa’s prehistoric counterpart invented English!
Caveman Peppa: Daddy! Someone else is speaking my new language!
Caveman Daddy Pig: Okk Ekk Oak Swear Swear (I still have no idea what your fucking saying.)
Caveman George: Ook Ekk Ray (Dinosaur! Roar!)
[Caveman George gets eaten by a dinosaur and fucking dies.]
Daddy Pig: I have witnessed two living creatures die today. TWO.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Weren’t we- Looking for the Time-Traveling watch?
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah.
Prehistoric French Narrator: Okkie Gook Ekk Okkie Okkie (Three Hours Later...)
SpongeBob: Oh... so... tired- (falls asleep)
Daddy Pig: Don’t fall asleep! We are probably almost there!
SpongeBob: What’s the point? I mean we- Hey! What’s that over there?
[SpongeBob points to the time-traveling watch]
Daddy Pig: It’s the time-traveling watch!
SpongeBob: Victory Screech!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig screech.]
Daddy Pig: Now let’s go home!
[Daddy Pig grabs the watch and is about to press a button labelled “Present Day”.]
SpongeBob: Hey, shouldn’t we press the button labelled “One Minute Before Present Day”?
Daddy Pig: What?
French Narrator: One journey-through-time later...
Daddy Pig: [Time Travel watch turns to dust] Now I see why we should have pressed the other button... [Looks at Gary 2’s dead body] Heheh, Heh.... Sorry, SpongeBob. SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Get out.
Daddy Pig: Oy?
SpongeBob: GET OUT DADDY PIG! YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!!!
Daddy Pig: But why?
SpongeBob: YOU’VE KILLED BOTH GARY 1 AND 2, YOU GOT US STUCK IN OUR TELEVISION AND KILLED ALL THE ABANDONED CARTOON CHARACTERS IN THERE, YOU OPENED AN ILLEGAL CHURCH, YOU AND MOMMY SHEEP ATTEMPTED TO KILL REBECCA RABBIT, AND YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY KINDNESS BY LIVING HERE SINCE DECEMBER 13! WELL YOU LUCK HAS RUN OUT, DADDY PIG! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!
Daddy Pig: Ok...
[Daddy Pig sadly walks out of SpongeBob’s house as the screen fades to black.]
French Narrator: To Be Continued...
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E9: PenisMan and Pig Kid [September 19, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
[The episode opens in Downtown Peppa Pig World.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is Downtown Peppa Pig World, where- Oh dear! It looks like Daddy Pig is homeless and living on the streets!
[Cut to Daddy Pig, who, because of being kicked out of SpongeBob's House in the last episode, is now living in a box next to a sign labelled “will have sex for food”. Several people walk past ignoring him.]
Daddy Pig: Spare change? Spare change, ma'am? (groans) It’s just not the same without a home.
[A large crowd of people gather around, including Mrs. Rabbit, Mr. Rabbit, Mr. Pony, Pedro Pony, Madame Gazelle, Mrs. Puff and Sandy, with their backs in front of Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Hey what gives, buggers?
[Everyone looks up into the sky.]
Mrs. Rabbit: It’s a bird!
Madame Gazelle: It’s a plane!
Sandy: No! (points to a bird and a plane) It’s both! (points to PenisMan) Hey look, PenisMan.
PenisMan: 🎵Are you worried about impending boobs?
Those evil villains got ya filled with gloom?
Don't ya fear, there's a hero in the sky, the sky, the sky
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
And it's not an thick vagina
It's the waistband warrior
Hear his mighty battle cry
I SMELL AN ORGASM!
PenisMan
Hey watch out, Crime
PenisMan
Its penis power time
Na na na na na
PenisMan
Yeah, yeah, yeah
PenisMan
He's disturbing sex
PenisMan
What will he do next?
He’s pretty sure that he’s not gay
PenisMan is here to stay!🎵
[The crowd cheers.]
Pedro Pony: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
PenisMan: And I’m looking for a sidekick!
[The crowd gasps.]
PenisMan: That’s right! Who wants to be my sidek-
Daddy Pig: Can I be your sidekick?
PenisMan: Yeah sure.
[Daddy Pig hops on PenisMan’s back and they fly away. Cut to a news broadcast.]
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here live for Bikini Bottom News. PenisMan has gotten a new sidekick: Pig Kid!
[Cut to PenisMan and Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Wait, my sidekick name is Pig Kid? But I’m 43 years old!
PenisMan: It’s fine.
[Cut to SpongeBob’s pineapple, where SpongeBob, Mummy Sheep and Sikowitz are watching the news broadcast]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? That shit? I never knew a snail murder could be a sidekick to someone who does good?!
Sikowitz: Not to mention the other crimes he has committed...
SpongeBob: SHUT UP!
[Cut to PenisMan and Daddy Pig]
PenisMan: To the PenisCave!
Daddy Pig: What?
[PenisMan flies down to a cave labelled “PenisCave”.]
PenisMan: Here is the PenisCave!
Daddy Pig: Wow! (starts whistling the Season 1 theme song as he walks)
PenisMan: Pretty cool, isn’t it?
Daddy Pig: [Stops whistling] Hey, what’s this?
PenisMan: Oh, that’s just a sidekick outfit. I made the mask look like bacon because I like to have bacon for breakfast.
[Pause.]
PenisMan: Daddy Pig?
[Daddy Pig starts having flashbacks to his past experiences with bacon.]
SpongeBob: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Look, Daddy Pig! They now have bacon patties at the Krusty Krab! Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Narrator: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Daddy Pig is scared because he’s made out of bacon.
SpongeBob: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) huh
Mr. Rabbit: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Mmmmm, I must say Mr. Pig, these Krabby Patties you were telling me about are even better than I expected!
Daddy Pig: *(n Daddy Pig’s mind) Why thank you! I must say I am a bit of an expert when it comes to sniffing out good places to eat on our lunch breaks. This bacon Krabby Patty REALLY hits the spot!
Narrator: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Daddy Pig likes bacon.
Mr. Rabbit: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Mmmm! You were right again! This bacon Krabby Patty is amazing!
SpongeBob: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) What’s the matter, Daddy Pig? You’re barely touching your bacon Krabby Patty.
Daddy Pig: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) I’ve been trying to cut back on the bacon ever since I realised it comes from… well… you know.
SpongeBob: (in Daddy Pig’s mind) Ah.
[In Daddy Pig’s mind, he goes on Google.com and searches “What is bacon made of?” with the results reading “Piggy”.]
[Pause.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig has flashbacks.
Daddy Pig: Sorry, PenisMan. It’s just that- well... I recently learned where bacon comes from.
PenisMan: I understand.
[Pause.]
PenisMan: I’ll go make you a new mask.
[PenisMan’s phone start ring]
PenisMan: [Picks up the phone] Hello?
PenisMan’s Mom: Parker? Parker! You were supposed to be home an hour ago!
PenisMan: I, was, uh... Hanging out with my new friends in a cave!
PenisMan’s Mom: Ok! Just make sure to come home by 7PM!
PenisMan: I know, I know.
PenisMan’s Mom: Love you, Parker.
PenisMan: Love you too, mom. [Hangs up] Wow, that was pretty embarrassing....
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Lol what a loser.
PenisMan: (gasp) My penis senses are tingling!
Daddy Pig: What is that supposed to mean?
PenisMan: It means there is evil afoot!
[Cut to the fucking Wild West]
Yosemite Sam: Haha! I’ve killed Bugs Bunny, and I’m gonna rule over this town!
Rebecca Rabbit: Oh no! Not Uncle Bugs!
Mrs. Rabbit: Somebody do something!
[PenisMan, with Daddy Pig on his back, flies 0nto the scene]
PenisMan: PenisMan: 🎵Are you worried about impending boobs?
Those evil villains got ya filled with gloom?
Don't ya fear, there's a hero in the sky, the sky, the sky
It's not a bird and it's not a plane
And it's not an thick vagina
It's the waistband warrior
Hear his mighty battle cry
I SMELL AN ORGA-
Bugs Bunny: Eh, can you hurry up and save me please, doc?
PenisMan: Oh right! Everybody remain calm! PenisMan is hear!
Daddy Pig: And Daddy Pig is here also!
Yosemite Sam: Oh no! Not PenisMan and his new sidekick Pig Kid!
Daddy Pig: PIG KID? I'M 43 YEARS OLD! Three decades older than PenisMan, at least.
[Pause.]
Yosemite Sam: Wait, so PenisMan is a teenager?
PenisMan:(moans) Yes.
Yosemite Sam: Lol what a loser.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: WAIT SO I SHOULD BE THE SUPERHERO HERE SINCE I’M OLDER THEN PENISMAN?!?!!
PenisMan: Isn’t Batman’s sidekick, like, 100 years old?
Daddy Pig: ALFRED ISN’T BATMAN’S SIDEKICK! ROBIN IS!!!
PenisMan: Oh.
Narrator: PenisMan has not read many Batman comics.
Yosemite Sam: Weren’t we talking about, Daddy Pig being 30 years older then PenisMan?
Daddy Pig: ALRIGHT, I’M DONE! PENISMAN, YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER SIDEKI-
[Daddy Pig then accidentally steps on a button labelled “Drop a Piano on the nearest non-sidekick superhero”, causing a fucking piano to fall and crush PenisMan]
[Pause.]
Narrator: Oh dear. PenisMan has been crushed by a piano!
Daddy Pig: Aw crap.
PenisMan: I don’t feel so good-
[A big blast then happens, knocking out Yosemite Sam]
Yosemite Sam: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: What happened?
Bugs Bunny: You did it, Pig Kid! You saved me!
[Bugs Bunny, Rebecca Rabbit and Mrs. Rabbit pick up Pig Kid.]
Mrs. Rabbit: Three cheers for Pig Kid! Hip-hip!
All: Hooray!
Mrs. Rabbit: Hip-hip!
All: Hooray!
Mrs. Rabbit: Hip-hip!
Daddy Pig: Alright, you can stop now. I'm not King Charles.
Narrator: Now that the Queen is dead, Charles III is the new king of England.
Daddy Pig: rip bozo
PenisMan: So... Pig Kid-
Daddy Pig: Actually I still don't like that name.
PenisMan: I'm sorry. So, Daddy Pig... how do you feel about being my new sidekick?
Daddy Pig: Eh, sidekicks are overrated. I'm out of here.
[Daddy Pig walks off.]
PenisMan: ...motherfucker.
[Cut to Mummy Pig’s house]
Peppa Pig: Mummy, can I sell George’s dinosaur on the black market?
Mummy Pig: Yeah sure.
[The doorbell rings]
Narrator: There is someone at the door.
Mummy Pig: I’ll get it.
[Mummy Pig opens the door]
Mummy Pig: Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (on his knees, begging) PLEASE, MUMMY PIG! LET ME BACK IN! I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO!!!
Mummy Pig: (moans) Fine.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E10: Pig Family Values [September 25, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Open on an outside shot of Mummy Pig’s house, where Daddy Pig is let back into as of the previous episode.]
Peppa: gasp Daddy’s back!
Daddy Pig: Yep!
Mummy Pig: He’s just here till his new friend lets him back in his house!
Peppa: Mummy, why did Daddy’s friend kick Daddy out?
Mummy Pig: Ummm...
Daddy Pig: whispers into Mummy Pig’s ear I accidentally killed his snail, twice!
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: He- Ummmmm- He was kicked out because... Daddy stopped paying the rent!
Peppa: Oh.
Narrator: Mummy Pig is a liar.
Mummy Pig: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS!!!
Narrator: Mummy Pig is very mad at me.
[Pause.]
Peppa: Daddy?
Daddy Pig: Yes Peppa?
Peppa: Can I go do something on you computer?
Daddy Pig: Yeah sure.
French Narrator: Five Minutes Later...
[Someone knocked on the door]
Daddy Pig: Come in!
[Someone kicks down the door]
Officer Panda: Daddy Pig, you are under arrest for selling a toy dinosaur on the black market!
Daddy Pig: Oy?
Officer Panda: You have illegally sold a toy Dino on the black market.
Daddy Pig: PEPPA!
Peppa: [Walks in] Yes, Daddy?
Daddy Pig: Did you sell George’s dinosaur on the black market?
Peppa: Well, it wouldn’t be George’s Dinosaur anymore...
Daddy Pig: PEPPA!
Peppa: Fine! I’ll go get it back. But you have to take me there!
Daddy Pig: Ok.
[Cut to North Korea, where Daddy Pig and Peppa Pig are standing in front of the Ryongsong Residence]
Daddy Pig: WHY THE FLYING FUCK ARE WE AT KIM JONG-UN’S HOUSE?!
Narrator: Oh dear. Peppa has sold George’s dinosaur to North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un!
Daddy Pig: Well, I guess we better knock on the door.
[Daddy Pig knocks on the door]
Kim Jong-Un: [Opens door] 안녕하십니까?
Daddy Pig: Oy?
Narrator: Daddy pig does not know Korean.
Kim Jong-Un: 아 젠장! 더러운 미국인! 그들은 어떻게 여기까지 왔습니까?
Daddy Pig and Peppa: Ummmmmm...
Kim Jong-Un: 공룡장난감 말씀하시는건가요? 으악! 근위 연대! 이 2개를 캠프에 가져오세요!
[North Korean troops start chasing Daddy Pig and Peppa Pig]
Daddy Pig: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
[Suddenly an helicopter arrives, with a British Royal Guard inside]
British Guard: Quick! This is my only day not solely protecting the monarch until King Charles dies!
[Daddy Pig and Peppa Pig hop on to the helicopter as it flies away]
Daddy Pig: [Gets out the Dinosaur] Look what I got
French Narrator: One flight back to Peppa Pig World later...
Daddy Pig: [Gets back inside, Gives George his dinosaur back] Here you go, George!
George: Dinosaur! Grrr!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: So, Um, you wanna see the scrapbook of the stuff I’ve done well at my friend, SpongeBob’s, house?
[Cut to everyone on the couch, with Daddy Pig flipping though his scrapbook]
Daddy Pig: So here’s me meeting SpongeBob, here’s me at Christmas dinner at the Krusty Krab, here’s me in a rap battle against Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle, here’s me when SpongeBob was diagnosed with autism-
Peppa: That’s what George has! snort
Daddy Pig: Here’s me watching PenisMan get Tiddles the Tortoise down from a tree, here’s me and Mummy Sheep confronting Boris Johnson about him killing Suzy Sheep, Here’s me snacking on Colin the Caterpillar biscuits well at Grandpa and Granny Pig’s house, Here’s me building a strip club for Pampy and Jeffery Epstein, I accidentally built them an IKEA, Here’s me punching a punching bag at the gym right before I passed out, Heres me buying a car, Here’s me and SpongeBob hanging out with Rebecca Rabbit, AKA the Easter Bunny, here’s me building the “Church of Daddy Pig”, here’s me and SpongeBob walking though the cartoon graveyard, Here’s me on the moon, here’s me bailing Mummy Sheep out of prison, here’s me getting a time travel watch from Sandy, here’s me in Prehistoric times-
George: Dinosaur! Grrr!
Peppa: Daddy, what are you blocking with your finger? [Points to Daddy Pig’s finger, which is blocking Caveman George getting eaten]
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Uhhhhh... Nothing important. And last but not least, here’s me saving Bugs Bunny as PenisMan’s sidekick!
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Wait you’ve met the Easter Bunny?
Daddy Pig: Yes.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Wanna catch up on the stuff we did?
[Pause..]
Daddy Pig: Yes.
[Cut to the family at the McDonalds drive-thru; an instrumental version of the theme song starts playing]
Worker: On the speaker Welcome to McDonalds, what do you want to order?
Mummy Pig: doing a Ronald McDonald impression One-Week vacation. Paid.
Worker: On the speaker Yes, boss!
[Mummy Pig drives away, giggling; Cut to the family at Squidward’s house]
[Mummy Pig rings the door bell]
Squidward: Opens the door Hello?
Mummy Pig: You have won $1B for you band’s performance of sweet victory! Go to redeem.totallynotavirus.com/money to clam your reward!
Squidward: Wow! I’m gonna go to that right now! closes the door
Mummy Pig: laughs
[Cut to King Charles III giving a speech]
Charles III: ...And that was Queen Elizabeth II’s last words!
[The crowd cheers, Mummy Pig drives up]
Mummy Pig: STOP LYING YOU BUGGER!!! YOU STUPID TWAT!
Peppa: Mummy, what’s a twat?
Mummy Pig: Not now Peppa, the adults are talking. YOU BOOBY MONARCH! YOU FALSE KING! YOU DUMB DIMWIT! YOU-
[The music stops]
Charles III: talking to Liz Truss Get the guards.
[Cut to the Pig family in prison, where there in the same cell as Boris Johnson; Daddy Pig and Boris Johnson are playing chess]
Boris Johnson: CHECKMATE!
Daddy Pig: Fine! Just sign this document to make it official.
Boris Johnson: Shit! I don’t have a pen!
Daddy Pig: Here, use mine! Hands Boris a stick of dynamite
[The jail cell explodes. The family escapes through the gap]
Officer Panda: off screen BORIS!!!
[Cut to the family entering the house]
Daddy Pig: Well, we are probably being hunted down by the police as we speak, what should we do now?
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Let’s sing the Expert Daddy Pig song.
Daddy Pig, Mummy Pig, Peppa, and George: 🎵Daddy, can we help put up the picture? Oh-ho! I know what I'm doing, Peppa! Don't break the wall, Daddy! Don't worry, Peppa After all, I am a qualified structural engineer Daddy Pig is handy as we all can see Hanging up a picture of the family He taps with his hammer, so expertly Hmm... Daddy Pig is a bit of an expert, as surely cannot miss He's a bit of an expert Let me handle this Daddy Pig is a bit of an expert, no job too small or big He's a bit of an expert, too small for Daddy Pig What does everyone fancy for lunch today? Can we have pizza, please? Pizza, pizza! Oh-ho! I'm a bit of an expert in making pizza Daddy Pig is handy as we all can see Cooking in the kitchen with the family He spins a pizza expertly Watch this! Daddy has a pizza on his head! Daddy Pig is a bit of an expert, as surely cannot miss He's a bit of an expert Let me handle this Daddy Pig is a bit of an expert, no job too small or big Because he's a bit of an expert! That's why we love you, Daddy Pig!🎵
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Nah. Needs a chorus.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Let’s all go to Glove World!
Peppa and George: Yeah!
Daddy Pig: What-
[Cut to the family at Glove World]
Daddy Pig: 4 day tickets, please.
Glove World Owner: Sir, it’s 7:30PM.
Daddy Pig: Whatever.
[The Family walks into Glove World]
Peppa: Daddy, can me and George go on the Mitten?
Daddy Pig: Yeah sure.
Mummy Pig: Daddy Pig, let’s go on the Tunnel of Glove!
Daddy Pig: Ok.
[Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig walk over to the Tunnel of Glove]
Mummy Pig: We would like to go on the Tunnel of Glove.
Glove World employee: That will be $10, please.
Mummy Pig: Can I pay in British pounds?
[Pause.]
Glover World employee: Yeah sure.
[Mummy Pig hands the employee the money, and she and Daddy Pig go into the Tunnel of Glove, Mummy Sheep then walks by]
Mummy Sheep: I would like to go on the Tunnel of Glove.
Glover World employee: Alone, eh? $5.
Mummy Sheep: Can I pay in British pounds?
[Pause.]
Glover World employee: (moans) Yeah sure.
[Mummy Sheep hands the employee the money, and goes into Tunnel of Glove; Cut to Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig riding the Tunnel of Globe]
Daddy Pig: According to my old friend SpongeBob, the ride is pretty spooky!
Mummy Pig: Lol.
Daddy Pig: You know what, I think it was broken.
Mummy Pig: Lol.
Daddy Pig: Stop saying lol!
Mummy Pig: Lol.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Sorry.
Daddy Pig: *sighs* Mummy Pig, can I ask you something?
Mummy Pig: Yeah?
[Daddy Pig stands up and gets on his knees]
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig, will you remarry me?
[Zoom over to Mummy Sheep]
Mummy Sheep: *gasp*
French Narrator: To Be Continued...
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S3E11: Marriage Mayhem [October 5, 2022] {MrDaGuy} ===
[No Intro plays, instead opening with a wide shot of Glove World, continuing from the previous episode; Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig walk over to the Tunnel of Glove]
Mummy Pig: We would like to go on the Tunnel of Glove.
Glove World employee: That will be $10, please.
Mummy Pig: Can I pay in British pounds?
[Pause.]
Glove World employee: Yeah sure.
[Mummy Pig hands the employee the money, and she and Daddy Pig go into the Tunnel of Glove, Mummy Sheep then walks by]
Mummy Sheep: I would like to go on the Tunnel of Glove.
Glover World employee: Alone, eh? $5.
Mummy Sheep: Can I pay in British pounds?
[Pause.]
Glover World employee: moans Yeah sure.
[Mummy Sheep hands the employee the money, and goes into Tunnel of Glove; Cut to Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig riding the Tunnel of Globe]
Daddy Pig: According to my old friend SpongeBob, the ride is pretty spooky!
Mummy Pig: Lol.
Daddy Pig: You know what, I think it was broken.
Mummy Pig: Lol.
Daddy Pig: Stop saying lol!
Mummy Pig: Lol.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Sorry.
Daddy Pig: *sighs* Mummy Pig, can I ask you something?
Mummy Pig: Yeah?
[Daddy Pig stands up and gets on his knees]
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig, will you remarry me?
[Zoom over to Mummy Sheep]
Mummy Sheep: *gasp*
French Narrator: To Be Continued...
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey! Didn’t this scene happen at the end of the last episode?
Narrator: Mummy Sheep is breaking the 4th wall.
[Zoom over to Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig]
Daddy Pig: Did you hear that?
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Nope.
[Cut to a wide shot of a now sunny Bikini Bottom-Peppa Pig World border, with words showing up saying “Coral Blue Productions Presents”; cut to wide shot of Conch Street, with showing up saying “In collaboration with PI Network, Soul TV, Tealevision, Squidy Network, and all the other TV networks this show airs on”; cut to Patrick’s Rock, with the title card showing up; cut to Squidward’s house, with text showing up saying “Written by MrDaGuy”; cut to SpongeBob’s house, with text showing up saying “Produced by Vanilla Ploop”; zoom into SpongeBob’s dumpster, where SpongeBob and Sikowitz tossing Mummy Sheep and Gary 2’s Rishmas tree in said dumpster]
SpongeBob: One... Two... Three...
SpongeBob and Sikowitz: TOSS!
[They then throw the tree in the dumpster]
Mummy Sheep: [Walks by] Hi guys. I- IS THAT MY RISHMAS TREE?!
Sikowitz: Uh...
[Pause.]
Sikowitz: No.
Mummy Sheep: *sighs* Listen guys, Daddy Pig planing to remarry Mummy Pig-
SpongeBob: But isn’t he going to marry you?
Mummy Pig: *sighs* Sadly, not any, at least as it seem.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: So, what do want me to do?
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: I want you to forgive Daddy Pig and get a Gary 3.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: You’re right. I should! I can’t just keep him out forever!
Mummy Sheep: That’s the spirit!
SpongeBob: Let’s roll.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, where Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are arranging a wedding between them]
Squidward: Aren’t you already planning a wedding between you and another woman?
Daddy Pig: Well...
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I’d like to cancel that wedding.
Squidward: Ok, let me just rearrange the papers... [Gets about a House Fancy magazine; Daddy Pig then grabs it out of his hand] HEY!
Daddy Pig: Set up that wedding!
Squidward: *sighs* Another day, another migraine.
[Zoom out to SpongeBob, who is spying on them and talking with Mummy Sheep with a Goofy Goober-branded walkie talkie]
SpongeBob: Pssst! Cheese Man to Suzy Sheep’s Dead Body! Come in Suzy Sheep’s Dead Body!
Mummy Sheep: *on walkie talkie* Wait, why am a called “Suzy Sheep’s Dead Body”?
SpongeBob: That’s not important right now! What is important is that Daddy Pig has canceled the wedding...
Mummy Sheep: *on walkie talkie* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SpongeBob: ...between you and him.
Mummy Sheep *on walkie talkie* Shit.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry! We’ll figure something out!
[Cut to Daddy Pig’s extended family sitting at a large dinner table]
Grandpa Pig: Good job on getting Mummy Pig back, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Thanks.
Uncle Pig: Like I alway’s say, you are nothing like me.
Daddy Pig: You’re just jealous because Aunty Pig divorced you and now you’re living with Stanley S. SquarePants!
[A joke advertisement for “The Stanley and Uncle Pig Show” briefly appears]
Uncle Pig: He kicked me out for murdering Larry the Snail 2!
Daddy Pig: What are you doing? Begging Aunty Pig to let you back in her house?
[Pause]
Uncle Pig: Yes.
Granny Pig: Well let’s just be thankful that Daddy Pig got Mummy Pig back!
All (Except Uncle Pig): *cheers*
Uncle Pig: *grunts*
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig’s bedroom, where Peppa Pig is watching Mummy Pig finish putting on her bride outfit]
Peppa: Wow Mummy, you look pretty in that outfit.
Mummy Pig: Thanks, Peppa. I can’t believe Me and Daddy Pig are getting remarried!
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig’s bathroom, where Daddy Pig and George are]
Daddy Pig: Ok George, now I’m gonna teach you how shave.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is teaching his two-year old son to shave.
George: *giggles*
Daddy Pig: Ok, so first you-
French Narrator: One hospital visit later...
[Cut to the Pig family walking over to the Krusty Krab]
Daddy Pig: Well, that shaving accident is all behind us now! Let’s go get married!
Mummy Pig, Peppa, and George: Yeah!
[Zoom out to reveal SpongeBob (carrying an animal cage) and Mummy Pig following the family, cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig whispering to the celebrant from Truth or Square]
Celebrant: *whispers* Ready?
Daddy Pig: *whispers* Yes.
[The Celebrant nods]
Celebrant: Mummy Pig, do you take Daddy Pig as-
Pedro Pony: BOOOOOOO!!! GET TO THE PART WHERE THEY DO THE SEXY!
Celebrant: Didn’t you die on August 19 due to indigestion?
Pedro Pony: Well yes but actually no.
Celebrant: Nevermind. Anyway, Mummy Pig, do you take Daddy Pig as your beloved husband?
Mummy Pig: I do.
Celebrant: And Daddy Pig, do you take Mummy Pig as your beloved wife?
Daddy Pig: I d-
[SpongeBob, Sikowitz, and Mummy Sheep burst in]
All: *gasp*
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, No!
Mummy Sheep: You can’t be serious!
Sikowitz: I’m also here!
Daddy Pig: Mummy Sheep!? What are you doing here?
Mummy Sheep: *Gets on stage* Daddy Pig, who do you really love?
[Pause; Daddy Pig looks at Mummy Sheep, then Mummy Pig
Daddy Pig: *sighs* Sorry, Mummy Pig. [Looks over to the Celebrant] I would like to marry Mummy Sheep.
[Mummy Pig runs out of the Krusty Krab, crying]
Celebrant: *sighs* So, Mummy Sheep, do you take Daddy Pig as your beloved husband?
Mummy Sheep: I do.
Celebrant: And Daddy Pig, do you take Mummy Sheep as your beloved wife?
Daddy Pig: I do.
Celebrant: You may now kiss the bride.
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep kiss]
All: *cheers*
[SpongeBob (Holding an animal cage) runs onto the stage]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: I finally forgave you for killing Gary 2.
Daddy Pig: You finally came to your senses?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: No I just got a Gary 3.
[SpongeBob opens the animal cage, Gary 3 hops out]
Gary 3: Hello.
SpongeBob: Ms. Rabbit says he has a defect the none of the other snails the look identical to Gary have. I wonder what it is-
Gary 3: Joe Biden stole the election. Trump is the real president.
Larry: *off screen* He right!
SpongeBob: Oh.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Wow. Just wow. So much stuff has happened today, I feel a song coming on!
Gary 3: Oh no.
Daddy Pig: 🎵I know, you see
Somehow the world will change for me
And be so wonderful
Live life, breathe air
I know somehow we're gonna get there
And feel so wonderful
It's all for real
I'm telling just how I feel so
Wake up the members of my nation, it's your time to be
There's no chance unless you take one and the time to see
The brighter side of every situation, some things are meant to be
So give me your best and leave the rest to me
Leave it all to me, (leave it all to me), leave it all to me, just leave it all to me🎵
[Cut to outside of the Krusty Krab, where Mummy Pig is crying. Sikowitz walks outside and sits next to Mummy Pig]
Sikowitz: Hey, baby! Wanna get married?
Mummy Pig: *wipes her tears* Well, I-
Sikowitz: I pinky swear not to sleep with other woman.
[Cut to Sikowitz and Mummy Pig getting married]
Celebrant: Mummy Pig, do you take Sikowitz as your beloved husband?
Mummy Pig: I do.
Celebrant: And Sikowitz, do you take Mummy Pig as your beloved wife?
Sikowitz: I do.
Celebrant: You may now kiss the bride.
[Cut to Daddy Pig, who’s in the crowd]
Daddy Pig: What the fuck?
[Cut to SpongeBob’s pineapple, where SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are saying goodbye to Sikowitz]
SpongeBob: Goodbye!
Daddy Pig: Good luck!
Sikowitz: Thanks guys. Now off to Peppa Pig World I go!
Daddy Pig: *Closes the door* SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes?
Daddy Pig: Let’s burn all of his stuff later.
SpongeBob: Agreed.
[Daddy Pig, SpongeBob, Mummy Sheep, and Gary 3 all sit down on the couch]
SpongeBob: It’s good to have you back Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Yeah! Now let’s all watch some good old television!
[Daddy Pig turns the TV on, where an episode of The World of SBFW is playing]
Jess: *on TV* Yeah, that film sucked.
CrazySponge: *on TV* I KNOW RIGHT!
Jess: *on TV* I was bored throughout the entirety of that pointless subplot with Finn and Rose and that casino and-
CrazySponge: *on TV* wait what was that
Jess: *on TV* I didn't like the subplot?
CrazySponge: *on TV* no no, that last part?
Jess: *on TV* Finn and Rose are pointless characters that don't contribute anything to-
CrazySponge: *on TV* A CASINO! WE COULD BUILD A CASINO! IT'S PERFECT TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEM!
[Pause.]
Jess: *on TV* What problem?
CrazySponge: *on TV* NEVERMIND! tell my slaves to start work on the first box productions casino, immediately.
Perch Perkins: Hi, Perch Perkins, here, with some breaking news.
Daddy Pig: I wonder what it is...
Perch Perkins: The Trial of Boris Johnson will be sometime later this year.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: That guilty bitch.
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.]
Narrator: Mummy Sheep loves calling out Boris Johnson! EVERYONE loves calling out Boris Johnson!
=== (S) The SuperSpongeLogan Movie! [November, 2022] {ChatGPT} ===
The movie starts in the Ruckersville Jail. Police officers Brooklyn Guy and new recruit Simmons are checking on Chris Chan’s cell. Meanwhile, Marjorie, incarcerated after the events of Timmy's Parents!, is digging a hole to escape her cell. She succeeds, prompting Brooklyn Guy to put the prison on full lockdown.
Elsewhere, local nonce Mr. Gus is spray painting his white van with the words “FREE CANDY”. Mr. Gus then drives off with the van and is flagged down by a fleeing Marjorie. Marjorie asks Mr. Gus for a ride and he initially refuses, but accepts after Marjorie offers him $50,000 to help kidnap Timmy. Back at the prison, the police chief threatens to fire Brooklyn Guy and Simmons if they don’t track down Marjorie by the next day.
In the SuperSpongeLogan house in Not Bikini Bottom, SpringBoob is setting up Timmy's 18th birthday party, making Sassy proud. Chef Squid Squid goes out to get 50 more balloons, and when SpringBoob spills the beans, Sassy finds out that SpringBoob wants Timmy gone so he can get rich and she protests against it.
SpringBoob wakes up Timmy to wish him a happy birthday and gives Timmy a box of candy for breakfast and a crown that says, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". Timmy takes off his bunny suit and puts his regular clothes on, just around the same time Chef Squid Squid finishes making Timmy's cake. SpringBoob asks Chef Squid Squid where the 50 balloons are, and he responds saying that the store didn't have any. Timmy goes on to say how cool the birthday is, and SpringBoob spills the beans about the money again. Timmy then asks SpringBoob if he can throw and break a glass cup which SpringBoob hesitantly agrees and almost gets mad at Timmy but remembers about the money. Timmy's friends then arrive to the birthday party.
Timmy's friends then arrive at the birthday party and talk about everything Timmy can do because he is now 18 years old. Timmy and friends discuss the LGBTQ napkins and Mr. Gus arrives at the house, posing as a birthday clown. When he tries to take Timmy to his van to get some balloons, SpringBoob refuses to let him and Mr. Gus gets angry and he says that he is going to take Timmy to his van whether SpringBoob likes it or not. So, SpringBoob kicks Mr. Gus out, despite his apology. Mr. Gus returns to the van and explains the situation to Marjorie, who is furious.
Back at the party, everyone is about to sing Timmy “Happy Birthday”, and Timmy requests the song to be sung to him 18 times and for the attendees to dress up like him while doing so.
On the news, it's then revealed that Fiasco, Timmy's biological father, is still alive, and Saul Goodman talks to him. Fiasco reveals that he used a decoy which was a pig and threw it off a bridge and since it splattered into pieces, it was unrecognizable. Saul Goodman rants about how he paid $200,000,000 for a now worthless painting, only For Fiasco to reply, "That is, as you Americans say, too bad so sad." When Saul Goodman asks if he will still pay Timmy his inheritance he can now receive since he is now 18, Fiasco denies it and tells Timmy to fuck off. He then goes off to celebrate at "McDonalking". SpringBoob, obviously, is furious about this since now he and Timmy won't get any money. He and Sassy argue, and SpringBoob threatens to kick Timmy out of the house since Timmy won't be inheriting anything from Fiasco.
Mr. Gus and Marjorie then pull up by the house, Marjorie tells Mr. Gus to play silly music by the house to lure the kids out and to snatch Timmy. Eugene Junior, Felix, Oliver and Timmy all come out for the "ice cream." Oliver points out the suspicion and tells them it isn’t a good idea, but Eugene Junior, Felix and Timmy are oblivious and go to the van anyway. They meet with Mr. Gus who tells them that "he has all the candy" and to meet him at the back of the van. Oliver becomes even more suspicious, but the oblivious Timmy, Felix and Eugene Junior disagree and go to the back of the van anyway.
After Mr. Gus comes from the back of the truck, Felix asks for a Snickers bar but there's really only tape and rope. Mr. Gus says there are no Snickers. Then Eugene Junior asks for a Starburst, but he doesn’t have it either. Then SpringBoob in the Timmy costume notices the truck and intervenes. Telling all the kids to get out when he arrives. But at the right moment Mr. Gus, thinking SpringBoob is Timmy, catches him and they drive off.
Sassy lights the candles, and they sing Happy Birthday to Timmy. He blows out the candles, and Sassy, and the other attendees, sing it again while Marjorie pulls over in an open area. We cut to the red couch, the party having just ended. Timmy and Sassy watch the news. They learn that Marjorie has escaped from solitary confinement. Timmy gets scared, but Sassy reassures him that she'll protect him from Marjorie at any cost. Timmy changes the channel to porn, which Sassy tries to turn off but fails. Meanwhile in the van, Mr. Gus says he has Timmy, but when Marjorie looks over to see him, she realizes it's actually SpringBoob, recognizing him as "the bozo who put her in jail" and SpringBoob recognizes her as Timmy's real mom. She then tells SpringBoob that he'll be held hostage, until Timmy gives Marjorie his money. Despite SpringBoob's attempt to tell her that she is out of luck due to Fiasco being alive and refusing to give Timmy a single penny, she threatens to kill SpringBoob by the end of the day if she doesn't get the money.
Marjorie decides to call SpringBoob's family using Mr. Gus's phone. She calls Timmy first, who picks up his phone, and in an improvised accent tells SpringBoob that he got the wrong number. Marjorie then calls Sassy and forces SpringBoob to talk to her, with Sassy accusing him of “calling from a side chick's phone". SpringBoob tells Sassy he is kidnapped, but Sassy calls him "a liar and a deadbeat father" and promptly hangs up. Afterwards, Marjorie decides to call Sassy herself from her own phone. Sassy picks up, and Marjorie threatens SpringBoob's life if Sassy doesn't give her $5,000,000. Sassy initially doesn't believe her, thinking that this is another scheme from SpringBoob. Once Marjorie reveals the details, Sassy tells her that she unfortunately does not have the money. Marjorie threatens to kill SpringBoob immediately, until Sassy offers to call her back in 5 minutes. Marjorie, however, had unfortunately called from a blocked number, so she gives Mr. Gus's phone number to Sassy.
Brooklyn Guy arrives to the house, saying that "there is a gooner on the loose". Sassy reveals that said gooner has SpringBoob hostage and that she has her number, not knowing that said phone number is actually Mr. Gus'.
Brooklyn Guy shows Sassy his car, shows the features and takes a ride around the neighborhood, despite Sassy's protests. Afterwards, they go back inside and Brooklyn Guy calls Marjorie on his own phone. He informs Marjorie that he and Simmons are working for the police department, and they threaten to "kick her ass". Marjorie then reveals, much to Brooklyn Guy's dismay, that she has a hostage. Brooklyn Guy asks her demands. She then tells Brooklyn Guy and Simmons to bring Timmy and $5,000,000 to a field in 1 hour, and to not bring weapons, which Brooklyn Guy reluctantly agrees to.
Meanwhile, Marjorie reveals to SpringBoob and Mr. Gus that she has a gun and plans to shoot if necessary. Mr. Gus says that that's unfair since the cops don't have one, but Marjorie tells him that he doesn't care about fairness. Brooklyn Guy, Simmons and Timmy then pull up, with Brooklyn Guy telling Timmy to stay inside the car for his own safety. Brooklyn Guy then closes the door on his hand and reveals himself to Marjorie. Marjorie then shows a gun, threatening to shoot SpringBoob if she doesn't see the money. Brooklyn Guy and Simmons say it's not fair, but Marjorie says she doesn't care and to give her the money, threatening to shoot SpringBoob, Brooklyn Guy, and Simmons one after the other. They then reveal that they don't have the money, due to being tricked into not bringing weapons. Marjorie then loads the gun, threatening to kill SpringBoob, but Brooklyn Guy offers to trade Timmy instead. Marjorie agrees, and Timmy comes outside the car and towards the officers. Marjorie then releases SpringBoob and tells Timmy to come over to her. SpringBoob runs to Brooklyn Guy, Simmons and Timmy.
Realizing that they have no other choice, Timmy relentingly agrees to walk over. Marjorie takes Timmy, offering to make another deal with the cops when they "decide to stop playing games". She then closes the van door and Mr. Gus drives away. SpringBoob demands the cops do something, to which Brooklyn Guy reminds him that they are unarmed. Simmons reminds Brooklyn Guy that they have a sniper rifle in the trunk, to which Brooklyn Guy orders Simmons to "camp out somewhere" and shoot the van's tires. Simmons agrees and Brooklyn Guy and SpringBoob enter the police car and start chasing the van.
In the van, Marjorie realizes that they're being chased and tells Mr. Gus to speed up. Timmy takes the opportunity and hits Marjorie, causing her to drop her handgun, causing them to fight for it. After Brooklyn Guy makes some "corny cop puns", we cut back to the van where Marjorie has gained the upper hand, and has the gun pointed at Timmy's head. She reveals to Timmy that she never loved him and calls him an "accident" even threatening to kill Timmy and bury him in the deepest hole she can find after she "gets her money", and kill SpringBoob and Sassy as well, causing Timmy to scream for help. Back in the car, Brooklyn Guy runs out of gas while trying to do a pit maneuver. As a last resort, he tells Simmons to shoot the tires, which he agrees to, but he accidentally shoots the gas cap, causing the van to explode, presumably killing everyone inside. Devastated, the officers and SpringBoob return home where Sassy reunites with SpringBoob and asks what happened and where Timmy is. SpringBoob explains what happened. He and Sassy then mourn for Timmy's death. Brooklyn T. Guy and Simmons are then seen outside, where Brooklyn Guy reprimands Simmons and explains "the difference between gas caps and tires".
Just when it looks as if this is all over for them, they suddenly hear a voice, realizing that Timmy is on the couch, telling them that he had to walk 50 miles getting eaten by mosquitoes on his birthday to get back. Sassy and SpringBoob are overjoyed about this, and Timmy reveals how he survived.
Before the van explodes, Mr. Gus tells Marjorie that they're running out of gas, to which Marjorie tells Mr. Gus to "find a gas station". With her distracted, Timmy takes Marjorie's gun before shooting her in self defense as Marjorie pleads for her life. Timmy jumps out and calls his mom a bitch. Rejoicing for joy, Sassy and SpringBoob reunite and they both hug him, SpringBoob apologizes to Timmy and tells him that even though he is 18 now, he can stay with since he is so used to him, he can't imagine life without him, and he doesn't care about the money. He knows he was mad, just because he thought he was getting money, and they all hug each other.
Mr. Gus rings on the door to apologize. SpringBoob is shocked, but Mr. Gus revealed that he also got off the van before it exploded, due to him hearing Timmy shoot Marjorie, and getting scared by it. Afterwards, SpringBoob kicks Mr. Gus out and calls the cops. Mr. Gus is arrested by Simmons while Brooklyn Guy goes to talk to SpringBoob. Once he sees Timmy, he gets happy since he thinks everyone survived. Timmy reveals to him that he shot Marjorie to death, which makes Brooklyn Guy even happier, due to not having any paperwork and getting to keep his job. Everyone then celebrates with a dance party as the credits roll.
In a post-credits scene, Mr. Gus makes friends with Chris Chan in prison. Chris tells Mr. Gus that she foresees a forthcoming dimensional merge that she intends to use as an opportunity to escape, though Mr. Gus dismisses this as crazy talk. And the fucking series ends there.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Short 1: Theater Threat [December 16, 2022, 2022] {MrDaGuy, BartDude20} ===
[Opening shot of the Peppa Pig World theater]
Narrator: This is the Peppa Pig World theater, where everyone can watch a movie when it releases and not have to wait half a year to get a DVD/Streaming release.
[Daddy Pig drives up in his car from Hop]
Daddy Pig: That loud sex in SpongeBob’s basement we had last night was really fun, wasn’t it, Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: Fuck yeah it was!
Narrator: Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep are now married.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: I think I’m now Suzy Sheep’s step-dad.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Welp, Time to go watch the movie!
[Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, SpongeBob, and Gary 3 walk into the theater]
Daddy Pig: I’d like a sal-
SpongeBob: He’d like an unsalted pretzel.
Gary 3: Hey Sponge Robert?
SpongeBob: For the last time it’s SpongeBob!
Gary 3: Whatever.
[Pause.]
Gary 3: Can I get some starburst?
[The four walk into the theater and sit down]
Scott the Woz: *in the seat next to the four* HEY GUYS, THERE ABOUT TO DO THE TRAILERS!!!
[Scott the Woz gets dragged out by employees]
Scott the Woz: AVENGE ME ELMO 5! AVENGE ME!
[Pause. Zoom over to Elmo 5]
Elmo 5: I think I should avenge him.
Jess: Sshhh!
[A trailer starts]
This Fall...
Rick: Morty! Morty, I’ve turned myself into a cactus. I’m prickle Rick, Morty. I’M PRICKLE RICK!!!
One scientist...
Mr. Meeseeks: I'm Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!
Blind Man: But I’m Blind!
Mr: Meeseeks: LOOK AT ME ANYWAY.
And his weird dumb grandkid...
[The Entire Rick and Morty Simpsons couch gag plays]
The Rick and Morty Movie
Coming 2069
[Audience cheers]
Daddy Pig: WOOHOO!
SpongeBob: Shhhh! The movies about to start!
THE BEN AND HOLLY MOVIE
[Walk cycles of Holly walking precede to play. Pause.]
Daddy Pig: That’s it? That’s the film? THAT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF CHEAP WALK CYCLES!
Gary 3: What a rip.
[Daddy Pig jumps into the isle with a flamethrower]
Daddy Pig: BIG SCREEN MUST DIE!
[Daddy Pig starts burning the entire fucking theater]
Daddy Pig: BURN IT ALL! BURN IT ALL!!!
Narrator: Oh dear! The Peppa Pig World Theater is on fucking fire!
[Everyone screams as the building collapses. A cloud of smoke appears. After it disappears, Daddy Pig, SpongeBob, Mummy Sheep and Gary 3 walk outside.]
Daddy Pig: Welp, that was fun!
[The four drive away. Cut to Sikowitz driving to the theater. They are listening to gwilled cheese by Elmer Fudd]
Narrator: This is Sikowitz. He recently married Mummy Pig.
Sikowitz: Welp, we missed like the first 5 minutes of the film, but we should be sa-
[Pause. Sikowitz realizes the theater has been destroyed]
Sikowitz: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Peppa: Mummy, why is new Daddy screaming?
Mummy Pig: Let’s talk about it later, Peppa.
[Zoom out. The words “The End” show up on screen, as the short fades to black]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie [December 17, 2022] {thatjess, MrDaGuy, Zoltan40} ===
PI MOVIES PRESENT
A CORAL BLUE PRODUCTION
THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. The text “December 2022” wipes across the bottom left of the screen. SpongeBob is inside cleaning the cash register. Squidward is mopping the floor.]
SpongeBob: You know, it’s funny. It’s a Friday but for some reason, it feels like a Wednesday.
Squidward: You are terrible at small talk, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Awwww, I love you too, Squidward!
[Pause.]
Squidward: So, have you figured it out yet or what?
SpongeBob: Figured what out?
Squidward: Jesus fucking Christ. The debt, SpongeBob? The debt?! You seriously forgot that we owe one Morbillion dollars to the landlord?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m sorry Squidward. It’s just that I still can’t believe we own The Krusty Krab now. It’s so overwhelming, you know.
Squidward: You own The Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Huh?
Squidward: You said we own The Krusty Krab. You own it, not me. I’m only here until I can get another job offer elsewhere. As soon as that day comes, I’m out of here.
SpongeBob: Cool. I’ll miss you but… I’m happy for you. You looking at anywhere nice?
Squidward: Well… I found this job at this music company - JETT Records. It’s just as a receptionist, but it’s something, right?
[Pause.]
Squidward: I, um… we… heh, I’ll do whatever I can to help with the debt until then though.
SpongeBob: You’re such a good friend, Squidward.
Squidward: I’m only doing this as a favor to you, okay?!
SpongeBob: Sure, Squidward, sure.
Squidward: (sighs) …It’s still weird with Mr. Krabs gone though, I will admit.
SpongeBob: Hey, he’s in a better place now… Shady Shoals Retirement Home.
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep enter.]
Daddy Pig: Good morning Krusty Krew!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep have come to eat at The Krusty Krab. Daddy Pig was SpongeBob’s roommate until he got married to Mummy Sheep.
SpongeBob: Oh hey guys! I didn’t expect to see you two come in so soon.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig previously had an affair with Mummy Sheep whilst he was married to Mummy Pig.
Mummy Sheep: Just the usual, please. We’re kind of in a rush.
SpongeBob: Of course! You two are our first customers, actually.
Squidward: Not really something to brag about.
Mummy Sheep: Just please make it quick. We have the trial soon.
Squidward: …trial? What trial?
[Exterior shot of a courthouse surrounded by a flood of news reporters and security guards.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins reporting live for Bikini Bottom News - BBN. I am on the scene of the Peppa Pig World Supreme Court where British Prime Minister Boris Johnson currently awaits trial for allegedly ordering the murder of LGBTQ+ rights activist and friend to many Suzy Sheep.
[Footage of Cosmobo being arrested and dragged into a police car is shown on-screen.]
Perch Perkins: (narrating) The hitman identified as SpongeBob fanfiction writer Cosmobo was arrested back in February of this year for the tragic homicide. However, Cosmobo’s true motives were not made public until recently, causing the Conservative Party to lose faith in Boris Johnson’s parliament, leading to Boris himself resigning and pork market enthusiast Liz Truss taking over as prime minister. 
[Cut to Squidward in The Krusty Krab kitchen cleaning some dishes. SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward?
Squidward: Hi.
SpongeBob: Will we- I mean… will I-
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: You do think we will be able to clear this whole debt thing up, right? I mean, one Morbillion dollars is a lot of money.
Squidward: …I’m gonna be completely honest with you, SpongeBob… I don’t know.
[Cut to a car suddenly pulling up outside the Peppa Pig World courthouse.]
Perch Perkins: Ho-ho-ho-ho! Looks like we’re in for a treat folks, as it seems Boris Johnson has just arrived at the scene!
[Boris Johnson steps out of the car, desperately trying to cover his face as the onslaught of press frantically takes photos. Jacob Rees-Mogg steps out of the vehicle and follows behind him.]
Boris: If you have any cups of tea, best to whip them out now.
[Cut to Boris and Rees-Mogg sitting in the courtroom.]
Boris: Oh Jesus… Oh God… God help me. Goodness gracious, this is not going to go well.
Rees-Mogg: Please don’t worry, my precious baby boy. Everything is going to be just fine.
[Boris and Rees-Mogg kiss.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are in love.
Boris: Do you really think so, my scrunkly?
Rees-Mogg: Of course, my darling Boris-woris! I got the best lawyer I could find!
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here.
[The two turn around and see Scott the Woz standing behind them.]
Boris Johnson: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
Scott the Woz: In the flesh, funny British man.
Boris Johnson: I downstream your YubTub videos all the time!
Rees-Mogg: It is an honour to meet you, Mr. the Woz.
Scott the Woz: Please. Scott "Will Eventually Take a Look at the First Mega Man" Daniel Wozniak (working title) is fine.
Boris Johnson: I didn’t know you were a lawyer, Scott.
Scott the Woz: How did you think I could afford all my copies of Flingsmash?
Rees-Mogg: He has a point, dear Boris.
Scott the Woz: Anyway, this trial should go without a hitch. I love defending innocent people accused of murder! Really fills me with joy.
[Pause. Rees-Mogg starts whispering in Scott the Woz’s ear.]
Scott the Woz: …what? …he’s… guilty? 
[Scott starts laughing.]
Scott the Woz: This is going to be fun!
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep driving to the courthouse.]
Daddy Pig: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT LOST!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is not very good with directions.
Daddy Pig: I AM GOOD AT DIRECTIONS!
Peppa Pig Narrator: And he gets very grumpy when he gets lost.
Daddy Pig: WE ARE NOT LOST, AND I AM NOT GRUMPY!!!!!!!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: This is all because you didn’t take that left as I told you to!
Daddy Pig: BECAUSE SIRI TOLD ME TO TAKE THE RIGHT!
Mummy Sheep: I bet you didn’t even put in the right address.
Daddy Pig: I DID!!!!
Mummy Sheep: Do you even know where the courthouse is?
Daddy Pig: Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: No.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It seems Daddy Pig is lost.
Daddy Pig: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE ARE NOT LOST! I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FIND WHERE THE- oh there it is.
[The car pulls up at the courthouse and the two get out of the car. Cut to the pair walking down the court hallway.]
Daddy Pig: I hope we’re not too late.
Mummy Sheep: I mean it’s only the trial that could finally give us justice for the murder of my only child, it’s nothing major.
Daddy Pig: Who’s our lawyer anyway?
Nostalgia Critic: Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to. JewWario did nothing wrong.
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
Nostalgia Critic: (sighs) …I am not Scott the Woz.
Daddy Pig: What’s the difference?
Nostalgia: I’m Doug Walker, you may know my son Aaron Walker. Also, I mistreat my workers.
Daddy Pig: Ah.
[Cut to the group sitting in court. A judge enters.]
Judge Stickleback: All rise.
Daddy Pig: But I literally just sat down!
[The judge makes their way to their booth.]
Judge Stickleback: Court is now in session. Is the plaintiff ready?
Mummy Sheep: I think so. 
Judge Stickleback: Do you vow to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Mummy Sheep: Of course. (clears throat) So, um, basically… Boris Johnson here killed my fucking daughter and I would like for him to be arrested, please.
Judge Stickleback: Alright. Boris? Do you have a defense ready?
Boris: Yeah, sure, whatever. 
[Boris clears his throat.]
Boris: I did not kill her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not kill her! I did not naaahhhhhhhht.
Judge Stickleback: Very well. Case dismissed.
[The judge bangs her gavel. The jury starts chattering amongst itself.]
Mummy Sheep: But- but- we barely even-
Judge Stickleback: You’re suing Boris for the murder of Suzy Sheep, hm? 
Mummy Sheep: Yuh.
Judge Stickleback: Boris just said he didn’t kill Suzy Sheep.
Boris: That is correct.
Judge Stickleback: Is this not true?
Mummy Sheep: I mean, um, well… technically Boris didn’t directly kill Suzy Sheep-
Judge Stickleback: Then there is nothing more to say.
Nostalgia Critic: OBJECTION!
Judge Stickleback: I’ve already dismissed the court, you can’t-
Nostalgia Critic: I understand I myself am nothing but a funny YouTube man… but this mother here had her daughter murdered and nothing has been done about it for almost a year at this point! Are we really gonna sit here and not listen to her pleas?!
Judge Stickleback: Yes.
[Doug Walker sits back down.]
Nostalgia Critic: Well I’ve done all I can do.
Daddy Pig: Wait! Your honour. This may come as a big surprise to you, but I’m not really an expert in court. 
Judge Stickleback: Really?
Daddy Pig: However, I think what my wife meant to say was that Boris Johnson hired a hitman to murder Suzy.
Judge Stickleback: Ugh. Look, I just want to get home in time for lunch, okay?! Does the defendant admit to these claims?
[Pause.]
Boris: Well, as the former prime minister of the United Kingdom, I can confirm that I am fully committed to doing what’s best for this country and I want to help out in any way I can.
[In the background, Rees-Mogg is lying down fast asleep.]
Mummy Sheep: Well for a start, you could help out by ANSWERING THE DAMN QUESTION!
Boris: Well I- you know-
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you not hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No. I MEAN-
Daddy Pig: AH-HA! GOTCHA!
Scott the Woz: Objection, your honor! My client was simply in a silly, goofy mood that day!
Judge Stickleback: Ah, understandable.
Mummy Sheep: NO! NOT UNDERSTANDABLE!
Judge Stickleback: Oh okay.
Scott the Woz: NO! IT IS VERY UNDERSTANDABLE! I have a no-win no-fee policy! I’m mad!
Daddy Pig: lol loser
Scott the Woz: Gonna do a YouTube video on this courthouse, I swear to God.
Judge Stickleback: A good YouTube video, or a bad one?
Scott the Woz: It’s gonna be a ScumBob YouTube video.
Judge Stickleback: Well shit. Well, we can’t have that! Sorry, Mummy Sheep, but I’m going to have to once again rule in favor of the defendant.
Mummy Sheep: But- but- Boris LITERALLY just confessed to everything!
Scott the Woz: He’s a politician! He’s insane! We can’t trust one single word that comes out of his mouth.
Boris: Hey-
Scott the Woz: Sorry man, it’s not personal. I just REALLY need to afford an extra copy of Flingsmash tonight.
Daddy Pig: What is a “Flingsmash”?
Scott the Woz: (sighs) See your honor? The plaintiffs don’t even know what Flingsmash is! How can we trust their claims against my client?
Judge Stickleback: I honestly don’t know what Flingsmash is either, sorry.
Scott the Woz: BRUH
Scott the Woz: You can borrow one of my copies if you want. 
[Scott the Woz pulls out a copy of Flingsmash and hands it to the judge.]
Judge Stickleback: You carry this around with you at all times?
Scott the Woz: I like to be prepared.
Mummy Sheep: Oh my fucking God. Look, judge, can we please just rule in my favour?
Judge Stickleback: Oh okay. Is the jury satisfied with this conclusion?
[The camera pans over to the jury.]
Patrick Star: I don’t even know, I thought this was the movie theater.
Judge Stickleback: Well then it’s settled. I, Judge Stickleback, sentence Boris Johnson to prison for life for the murder of Suzy Sheep.
[The judge bangs their hammer. The audience gasps.]
Mummy Sheep: GET IN!!!!
Daddy Pig: LET’S FUCKING GOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Boris: A- A… life sentence?
[Rees-Mogg suddenly wakes up from his lie-down.]
Rees-Mogg: GAH! What’s happening? Did I miss anything important?
Boris: I’m going back to prison.
Rees-Mogg: Whoopsie.
Scott the Woz: I don’t understand! I bribed the judge with Flingsmash and everything!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I- I can’t believe it… we won.
[Cut to Boris Johnson exiting the courthouse. The swarm of press are still there, frantically snapping pictures of Boris.]
Perch Perkins: This just in folks! Boris Johnson is exiting the courthouse as we speak, and I don’t think the verdict here could be clearer.
[A police van pulls up. Police Officer Panda and Squirrel step out.]
Police Officer Panda: Looks like someone’s been a naughty boy.
Boris: Shut up.
[The police officers handcuff Boris.]
Police Officer Squirrel: You have the right to remain silent.
Boris: (sighs) And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling Daddy Pig.
[Jacob Rees-Mogg comes rushing out of the courthouse, looking visibly distressed.]
Rees-Mogg: No, wait! Please don’t lock up my precious scrunkly!
Boris: Don’t worry Moggy Boy, everything will be fine.
Rees-Mogg: But… but… I’ll miss you… Liz Truss will miss you… Priti Patel will miss you… even Keir Starmer will miss you!
[Cutaway to Keir Starmer throwing a party in the House of Commons. Cut back.]
Boris: It’s going to be okay, Jacob. We’re going to get through this. And when I get out, we can have as much gay sex as we want!
Police Officer Squirrel: You know you have a life sentence, right?
Boris: GOD FUCKING DAMNNIT!
Police Officer Panda: Alright, let’s pack it up, people.
[Boris is shoved into a police van.]
Rees-Mogg: I’ll visit Peppa Pig World every day in your honour. 
[A tear falls from Jacob’s eye.]
Rees-Mogg: Cricket just won’t be the same without you, sir.
Boris: Please visit me.
Rees-Mogg: I will. 
Boris: It has been an honour to be the bottom to the best top in the world… but, as they say… them’s the breaks.
[The police van drives off. Jacob Rees-Mogg bursts into a flood of tears. Floods of press start flooding the tarea.]
Perch Perkins: Mummy Sheep, what are you going to do now that Boris Johnson has finally been brought to justice over the murder of beloved LGBTQ+ rights activist Suzy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: Well I, um, heh-
Reporter 1: Jacob Rees-Mogg, is it true that you’re a bottom?
Rees-Mogg: Absolutely. 
Reporter 2: Mr. Daddy Pig, can you confirm or deny the rumours about your recent weight gains to your tummy?
Daddy Pig: I have NOT gained weight in my tummy!
Reporter 3: Holy fuck, is that Scott the Woz?
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
[Exterior shot of Shady Shoals Retirement Home. SpongeBob and Squidward enter and approach the receptionist.]
Squidward: Hey, um… we’re here to see Eugene Harold Krabs.
[Cut to the two entering Mr. Krabs’ room.]
Squidward: Hey Eugene… how’s it, um… going?
[Mr. Krabs slams his claw on his desk.]
Mr. Krabs: Now THAT was a fantastic orgasm!
SpongeBob: Oh, um, sorry… are we interrupting... something? 
[Mr. Krabs holds up a copy of the book “Funnybones”.]
Mr. Krabs: Not at all, boys! Have you seen these Funnybones? My my, what a THUMPING good read!
Squidward: Isn’t that a book for children?
SpongeBob: I thought it was a pretty good read.
Squidward: Still meant for children.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, and?
SpongeBob: You know, Squidward, maybe it’s a good thing that Mr. Krabs is stuck here now. 
Squidward: He’ll be with the people he loves soon.
SpongeBob: In Heaven?
Squidward: No, with the corpses at the cemetery.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs is a necrophile.
Mr. Krabs: Oh great, now I’m hearing voices.
SpongeBob: Don’t mind him, Mr. Krabs. He’s just the narrator.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you two again?
SpongeBob: It’s SpongeBob and Squidward! You remember us, right?
Mr. Krabs: I have never seen you two before in my life. (holds up the book again) Have you seen these Funnybones?
SpongeBob: Good book.
Squidward: IT’S FOR CHILDREN!
SpongeBob: YOUR MOM’S FOR CHILDREN!
[Squidward runs out of the room crying.]
SpongeBob: Anyway, um, Mr. Krabs…..? You see we… I mean, Squidward actually was the one who suggested it, and I usually don’t like doing this but quite frankly our other options are pretty much nonexistent right now-
Mr. Krabs: Quit yapping your mouth and get to the fucking point.
SpongeBob: We need money.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you again?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is serious!
Mr. Krabs: (holds up the book again) Have you seen these Funnybones?
SpongeBob: Yes! And it’s a great book! But before you went senile, you owed The Krusty Krab’s landlord one Morbillion dollars! Squidward and I don’t have that money! But you-
Mr. Krabs: Me? This doesn’t sound like my problem. I don’t even know who you are!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you are one of the richest crustaceans out there! If we don’t pay off this debt soon, the entire enterprise you’ve worked so hard for is gonna go POOF!
Mr. Krabs: Poof?
SpongeBob: Please, Mr. Krabs… everything’s been changing around here recently… The Krusty Krab has been the one constant in my life for the last two decades… I don’t want to let go.
[Pause. Squidward re-enters.]
Squidward: And, um, if you have some money left over I wouldn’t mind a little drop going into my bank account.
[The TV flickers onto a news report.]
SpongeBob: YOOO! DADDY PIG’S TRIAL IS ON TV!
Mr. Krabs: Wait how did the TV turn on like that? Who’s Daddy Pig? What’s a TV?
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -and that’s right, folks. UK prime minister Boris Johnson has been found GUILTY of murdering Suzy Sheep!
Mr. Krabs: Seriously, how did the TV turn on all by itself? It has never done that before, I swear.
SpongeBob: They… they won. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep won!
Squidward: You didn’t tell me their trial was against the prime minister, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: HOW DID THE TV TURN ON BY ITSELF LIKE THAT?!
Boris: (on TV) It’s going to be okay, Jacob. We’re going to get through this. And when I get out, we can have as much gay sex as we want!
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) The British prime minister is in prison? He… he shot Suzy Sheep?
Squidward: Well yeah I thought it was obvious. We’ve known this for months now.
Mr. Krabs: You know what this means, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: We get the rest of the day off?
Mr. Krabs: No! This be but a harbinger of what I fear lies ahead. For you, for me, for all of the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe! Suzy Sheep’s preachings are what tie us all together! If Boris Johnson killed her, there will be a complete breakdown of social order! A war against all! Dark times are ahead! Dark times indeed… 
[Mr. Krabs falls on his face.]
Squidward: Seriously?
[Mr. Krabs gets up.]
Squidward: Aren’t you overreacting a bit?
[The entire fucking world suddenly shifts into a post-apocalyptic phase a la Mad Max.]
Mr. Krabs: Welcome back to the apocalypse, Mr. Squidward. I hope you like leather.
Squidward: Well I’m not above BDSM.
[SpongeBob looks out the window. The entire opposite street is now on fire and citizens are running around and screaming.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what the flying FUCK did you do?
Mr. Krabs: It wasn’t me, me boy! It was that Mr. Johnson! The world’s been losing faith in the government for months, and me thinks this was the final straw.
SpongeBob: Since when did you follow British politics?
Mr. Krabs: Who?
Squidward: Well at least it can’t get any worse than this.
SpongeBob: Is now a good time to mention that I’m a femboy?
Squidward: God fucking damn it. 
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -and now in a drastic turn of events, it appears that the entire fucking world is now in the middle of an apocalypse. If this humble news reporter has any advice for any viewers at home, it’s for you to RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!
[Perch runs off screaming. Cut to 10 Downing Street. Liz Truss gets out of bed.]
Liz Truss: (yawns) What a lovely day to be prime minister!
[Liz Truss looks out of the window, noticing the ongoing apocalypse.]
Liz Truss: …fuck this.
[Priti Patel enters.]
Priti Patel: Hey, Liz. Sorry to interrupt your lay-in but-
Liz Truss: I quit.
Priti Patel: What?
Liz Truss: I quit. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. 
Priti Patel: But- but- you’ve barely done anything as prime minister! You can’t just bail out like this!
Liz Truss: Eh, I’ve already killed the Queen and tanked the economy, there’s not really much else I can do. First, this country imports two-thirds of its cheese, and now it has a whole fucking apocalypse! I-I just can’t stand this, I really can’t. Later, bitch.
[Liz Truss jumps out the fucking window.]
Priti Patel: Huh.
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig driving through the chaos.]
Mummy Sheep: What the FUCK happened here?!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! Are they storming the Capitol again?
[Suddenly, a large truck pulls out in front of Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep. The two scream. Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff jump out of the truck in their apocalyptic attire.]
Mummy Sheep: Madame Gazelle?
Daddy Pig: Mrs. Puff?!
Madame Gazelle: I told you she was over here, Poppy.
Mrs. Puff: Yeah, yeah, rub it in, won’t you?!
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep get out of their car.]
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry, and excuse my language, but… WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Puff: Isn’t it obvious?
Mummy Sheep: No, not really.
Madame Gazelle: Our own old prime minister was just arrested for murdering Suzy Sheep last year, beloved LGBTQ+ rights activist and friend to many!
Mummy Sheep: Well yeah but-
Mrs. Puff: Suzy Sheep symbolized our fight against oppression, our right to live!
Madame Gazelle: If the government is against Suzy, then we’re against the government.
Daddy Pig: So… you’re rioting?
Madame Gazelle: Ohhhhh, not for long.
Daddy Pig: What’s that supposed to mean?
Mummy Sheep: Look, we were all hurt by Suzy’s death, and I should know that - I’m Suzy’s mother! But-
Mrs. Puff: Oh that’s exactly it. Suzy may be gone, but we still have the next best thing!
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: What are you-
[Madame Gazelle pulls out a fucking shotgun.]
Madame Gazelle: You’re coming with us, sister.
Mummy Sheep: …what???????
Mrs. Puff: (maniacal laugh) We’re going to sacrifice you to the Suzy Sheep gods, and then everything will be normal again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
[Mummy Sheep turns to Daddy Pig.]
Mummy Sheep: They’ve gone bloody insane.
Daddy Pig: We probably best be going.
Mummy Sheep: Yeah.
[The two quickly jump back into their car and speed off in the opposite direction.]
Mrs. Puff: OUR SACRIFICE IS GETTING AWAY!
Madame Gazelle: WELL DON’T JUST STAND THERE! AFTER THEM!
[Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle hop back in their truck and accelerate down the crowded street in full pursuit of Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Um… Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: WHAT IS IT?!!!!
Daddy Pig: They’re, um… gaining on us.
Mummy Sheep: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!
Daddy Pig: Calm down!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) I’m sorry, I’ve just never been in a LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION BEFORE!
[Scott the Woz pops up from the backseat.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here.
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig both scream. Scott looks out the window.]
Scott the Woz: Looks like the Wii Shop Channel closed again.
Mummy Sheep: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!!
Scott the Woz: I’m sorry, I left my phone at home so I couldn’t call an Uber and I REALLY needed a ride home from the courthouse, but then this whole apocalypse thing happened so I just kinda hid in the backseat of your car. I’m really sorry. Anyway, what are you guys up to-?
[Mrs. Puff starts firing bullets at the vehicle.]
Scott the Woz: Oh I love guns! Usually I’m shooting chickens however, not a sheep and an overweight pig.
Daddy Pig: STEP ON IT, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: I’M TRYING! I’M TRYING!
[Mummy Sheep swerves the car to the left, narrowly avoiding Mrs. Puff’s bullets, and the group starts heading towards downtown Bikini Bottom.]
Madame Gazelle: Poppy! You absolute eejit! You’re supposed to HIT the vehicle with your bullets!
Mrs. Puff: I’m sorry Gigi, I’m not good with this kind of thing!
Madame Gazelle: Ay-ay-ay. Give that thing here.
[Madame Gazelle grabs the gun from Mrs. Puff.]
Madame Gazelle: Let me show you how we do it in France.
Mrs. Puff: I thought the French were cowards.
[Madame Gazelle starts firing at Mummy Sheep’s car again.]
Daddy Pig: MUMMY SHEEP! THEY’RE STILL GAINING ON US!
Scott the Woz: That’s bad, right?
[Scott the Woz gets fucking shot in the back of the head.]
Scott the Woz: Ugh!
[Scott’s face falls to the back of a headrest.]
Daddy Pig: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT SCOTT THE WOZ!
[Scott the Woz suddenly gets back up, holding the bullet in his hand.]
Daddy Pig: Wait what?
Scott the Woz: …this isn’t a real bullet! …it’s just a NERF pellet, available at all good retailers. See?
[He shows Daddy Pig the bullet; cut back to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff, still in pursuit of Mummy Sheep.]
Madame Gazelle: Poppy, why the fuck did you buy NERF bullets?
Mrs. Puff: THEY WERE CHEAPER, OKAY?!
Madame Gazelle: WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING APOCALYPSE RIGHT NOW! YOU COULD HAVE JUST STOLE THEM!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Puff: I wanted to help the economy.
Madame Gazelle: WHO CARES ABOUT THE ECONOMY?!
Mrs. Puff: I do! Have you ever fucked the economy before? I did it once and vowed I’d never go back to non-economy-related sexual intercourse ever again.
[Madame Gazelle just stares at Mrs. Puff.]
Mrs. Puff: What? My boyfriend started fucking corpses, it just made sense.
[Madame Gazelle points off into the distance.]
Mrs. Puff: What the hell is wrong with you?
Madame Gazelle: …the road. It goes down.
Mrs. Puff: It don’t go down.
Madame Gazelle: It do go down!
[The camera pans out to reveal the two cars about to drive off a cliff.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Mummy Sheep, Daddy Pig, Scott the Woz, Madame Gazelle, and Mrs. Puff are all about to kill themselves.
Mrs. Puff: OH SHIT!
Madame Gazelle: STOP THE TRUCK! STOP THE TRUCK!
Mrs. Puff: YOU’RE THE ONE DRIVING!
[Cut to Mummy Sheep’s car.]
Daddy Pig: HIT THE FUCKING BREAKS YOU DAMN WOMAN!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I’M NOT GOOD AT DRIVING! I BELONG IN THE KITCHEN!!!!
Daddy Pig: THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU HAVE A CAR?!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!!! WE’RE BEING CHASED BY A PAIR OF MANIACS! WE’RE GOING TO DIE EITHER WAY!
Scott the Woz: Before we all die, I just need to confess one thing… CHIBI ROBO ZIP-LASH ISN’T THAT BAD OF A GAME, OKAY?! ALRIGHT I SAID IT!
Daddy Pig: THE FUCK IS A CHIBI ROBO ZIP-LASH??!!!
Scott the Woz: A GOOD GAME!!!!!!
[The group screams as they drive straight off of the cliff, Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle following them. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep cling to each other tightly as they prepare for their death.]
Daddy Pig: I LOVE YOU, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: I DON’T!
Daddy Pig: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! NO!
Mummy Sheep: I’M SORRY, DADDY PIG! I THINK I’M A LESBIAN!
Daddy Pig: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH Y-
[The car suddenly stops falling. The camera pans out to reveal PenisMan holding the car up in the air. Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle fall into the abyss in the background.]
Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Scott the Woz: (gasp) PenisMan!
PenisMan: I SMELL AN ORGASM!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: I need a better catchphrase, I know, I know.
[PenisMan notices Scott the Woz.]
PenisMan: Didn’t I stop you from robbing a CeX one time?
Scott the Woz: No.
Daddy Pig: PenisMan! What are you doing here?
PenisMan: Uh, saving you? What does it look like?
Mummy Sheep: How the hell did you find us? I mean, I’m grateful you did but-
PenisMan: I will get you up to speed later. Right now, we just need to focus on getting Mummy Sheep as safe as possible.
[PenisMan looks down to the ground, where Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff lay.]
PenisMan: …are those two okay?
Scott the Woz: They’re just resting.
PenisMan: Ah.
[A black screen appears, with text reading “And now for something completely different…”. We cut to a jail facility. Text wipes across the bottom left of the screen reading “Central Virginia Regional Jail”. Cut to an overweight woman in her cell watching TV.]
Reporter: (on TV) -and that was Ian Hawke promoting his new autobiography “Yes, I Stole the Chipmunks”. In other news, as you have probably heard, riots have been taking place across the entire western world after the British court system included that former UK prime minister Boris Johnson was indeed guilty of murdering Suzy Sheep. In this humble reporter's opinion, I urge all viewers to FUCKING BURN THE PLACE TO THE GROUND! WE DEMAND PROPER JUSTICE FOR SUZY! MURDER BORIS! KILL BORIS! DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!
[The reporter runs towards the camera and smashes it on the ground.]
Chris Chan: (watching the report, she sighs) It’s absolutely insane that they don’t show My Little Pony on jail TVs. I haven’t been able to see Cryzel Rosechu and Magi-chan Sonichu ever since I got locked up in this joint. Those damn no-good jerkops owe me some quality entertainment at the very least. And another thing-
[Chris Chan fucking shits herself.]
Chris Chan: (sigh) I miss my scrunkly Barbara.
[Suddenly, the sound of keys are heard. Chris Chan’s cell door swings wide open.]
Chris Chan: (sigh) How many times do I have to tell you jerkops?! I AM NOT EATING YOUR DAMN PICKLES!
[The camera pans over to reveal that it was a fellow inmate who opened the door.]
Prisoner: Chris, it’s me, Alan. 
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’ve told you a hundred times already! My name’s Mrs. Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, Goddess of the Nations of Cwcville, Comma, and the Commodore Consoles, and the One True and Honest Creator and Chronicillor of Sonichu and Rosechu.
Prisoner: …whatever. We’re all busting out of this place.
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’m a bit busy right now. I’m writing the next Sonichu issue.
[Chris points to some crudely drawn Sonichu panels she has drawn in chalk on the walls of her cell.]
Prisoner: Chris, are you fucking blind? You saw the news right?! Boris Johnson killed Suzy Sheep! This is a massive act of war on the gay community!
Chris Chan: You mean the SLGBTQ+ community?
Prisoner: Sure. Complete anarchy has broken out on a global scale, and everyone’s busting out. If you’d rather stay here, that’s your problem.
[The prison walks off, leaving the door open.]
Chris Chan: Complete anarchy?
[Chris Chan looks out the window of her cell, and notices the apocalypse occurring outside.]
Chris Chan: No… it can’t be… the dimensional merge is happening early!
???: HEY!
[Chris Chan turns around to reveal a jerkop by her cell door.]
Jerkop: Your door is supposed to be closed. How’d you get the key?
Chris Chan: You’ll pay for what you’ve done to me. Taking me away from my Barbara.
Jerkop: What the-
Chris Chan: I’ve sat around in this place for long enough, and today’s finally the day you’ll face my wrath.
Jerkop: Okay, um… take it easy, Christine.
[Chris Chan takes a deep breath in and draws her cupped hands to his side. She concentrates all her energy before thrusting her hands towards the jerkop.]
Chris: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A large beam of fire comes out from her hands and towards the jerkop, brutally murdering him in the process. A security guard looks out of their booth and sees the jerkop getting decimated. They pull out a radio.]
Security: Um, I think we need backup at cell 40.
Jerkop 2: (on the other end of the radio) Aw Jesus not this fucker again…
[A bunch more jerkops run over to Chris Chan’s cell, armed.]
Chris Chan: Don’t call anybody! Don’t call anybody!
[Cut to a group of prisoners tunneling an escape. The prisoner who unlocked Chris Chan’s cell runs up and joins them.]
Prisoner 2: Hey! What the hell took you so long?
Prisoner: I was with Chris.
Prisoner 3: (smirks) Chris Chan?
Prisoner 2: Why the fuck were you helping her escape?
Prisoner: I wasn’t. I was just making a distraction.
[Cut back to Chris Chan surrounded by jerkops.]
Jerkop 3: Step back into your cell and nobody gets hurt!
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’m a nice guy really, I don’t understand why everyone has to pick on me.
Jerkop 2: We’re not picking on you. Just step back into your cell and everything is okay.
Chris Chan: You know what? I’ve followed your orders long enough, it’s time for you to follow mine. My first order? Get… CURSED!
[Chris Chan shoots another ball of fire at the jerkops. They scream as they fucking burn to death.]
Chris Chan: YOU!
[Chris Chan points to an alive jerkop in the distance.]
Chris Chan: You over there!
[The jerkop starts shaking with fear, and puts their hands up.]
Jerkop: D-d-d-don’t curse me bro!
Chris Chan: Where’s all this anarchy coming from?
[The jerkop starts backing up.]
Jerkop: I-i-i-i-it’s coming fr–fr-fr-fr-fr-from Peppa Pig World! Just please don’t kill me!
[The jerkop runs off in fear.]
Chris Chan: Well I’m not sure what their problem was. Peppa Pig World, huh? Don’t worry, Sonichu… mama’s coming! Zap to the extreme!
[Chris Chan Naruto-dashed out of the prison. The screen wipes over to PenisMan flying Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and Scott the Woz towards Sandy’s Treedome.]
PenisMan: Don’t worry. The Penis Lair located underneath the Treedome is completely impenetrable. We’ll be safe here.
Mummy Sheep: Isn’t the treedome literally made out of glass?
PenisMan: No comment.
[The group enters the treedome and Sandy’s treehouse. A replica of the famous David statue sits inside. PenisMan flicks David’s penis up, and a secret staircase opens up within the floor.]
PenisMan: Ladies first.
Mummy Sheep: Aw… thank you.
[Mummy Sheep leads the group downstairs and into the Penis Lair.]
PenisMan: Welcome… to the Penis Lair!
[The camera pans out to reveal a grand laboratory ala the Batcave.]
Hash Brown: Ugh, how many times do I have to tell ya, you twat?!!! This is not called the Penis Lair!!!!!!!!!!
PenisMan: Sorry. I just think the “Penis Lair” has a nice ring to it.
Scott the Woz: Woah. What is this place?!
[Sandy walks in the room.]
Sandy: Only the secret headquarters of the Poundland Avengers.
Scott the Woz: Woah… you mean the headquarters of thee Poundland Avengers?
PenisMan: The Penis Lair!
Hash Brown: IT’S NOT CALLED THE PENIS LAIR!
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: Ahem. Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell, I, Hash Brown, am the leader of the Poundland Avengers.
Sandy: I mean, I do most of the work.
Hash Brown: Yeah, but this initiative was all my idea.
[Super Potato walks in with SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs.]
Super Potato: What do you want me to do with these folks, Hash Brown?
SpongeBob: (gasp) DADDY PIG!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig rush toward each other and embrace.]
SpongeBob: I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE OKAY!
Daddy Pig: Me too, pal, me too.
Mr. Krabs: Who are these people again?
Scott the Woz: Well-
Squidward: He has severe Alzheimer’s, don’t even bother. He’s only with us because we were trying to wrangle money out of him.
PenisMan: You realize you’re in the headquarters of a vigilante organization right now, right?
Squidward: Pretend I never said anything. 
Daddy Pig: Okay, I am very confused right now. If you don’t mind me asking, what actually is going on?!
Sandy: Good question. 
Hash Brown: You see, when Boris Johnson was found guilty of murdering Suzy Sheep-
Squidward: It triggered mass global hysteria to the point that we’re basically in the middle of an apocalypse right now. Yeah, we know.
Hash Brown: Well, I wouldn’t call it mass GLOBAL hysteria. Suzy was a beloved queer rights activist. Iran’s normal right now.
SpongeBob: So what’s the plan then? Are we all moving to Iran?
Daddy Pig: Sounds good to me.
Scott the Woz: I can’t move to Iran! There’s no Nintendo there!
Sandy: Guys, we are not moving to Iran. Right now, society is at its most vulnerable. Which is why we’re dedicated to keeping everyone safe. Whether that’s the elderly-
Mr. Krabs: Is she talking about me?
Sandy: -or the disabled-
SpongeBob: I’m only a high functioning autistic!
Sandy: -or the people closest to Suzy Sheep like Suzy’s mom-
Mummy Sheep: Hi.
Sandy: -Suzy’s mom’s husband-
Mummy Sheep: Actually, um… I’m uh-
Daddy Pig: We are having a long talk together, Mummy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Look, I’m sorry I-
Sandy: Can you two just sort this out later?! Thank you.
SpongeBob: Okay, so… let me get this straight. What you’re saying is that we’re all gonna hide in here like it’s a bunker or something until the apocalypse dies down?
Sandy: Pretty much.
Squidward: Well this sucks.
Mr. Krabs: Will I still be able to have my game of Chess with the boys later?!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, the world is ending.
Mr. Krabs: What?!
Squidward: The world is ending!
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?!
Squidward: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
[Mr. Krabs gets an erection.]
Hash Brown: Look guys, I know everything seems bleak right now, but we really don’t have any other options.
Daddy Pig: I thought moving to Iran was a pretty good idea.
SpongeBob: No… this can’t be true… the world isn’t really ending, is it?!
Sandy: (sigh) SpongeBob… I… I don’t really know what to say.
SpongeBob: No… the world can’t be ending! Sq-Sq-Squidward and I still have to pay our debt and save The Krusty Krab! Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep JUST got married!
Mummy Sheep: Well, actually-
Daddy Pig: (sigh) Mummy Sheep…
Mummy Sheep: …Daddy Pig… I’m sorry. I thought we were going to die; I didn’t know what else to do and I just blurted it out!
[Daddy Pig looks disappointed.]
Daddy Pig: No…
Mummy Sheep: I like girls, okay?! Women with big jiggly titties!
PenisMan: Oh wow.
Mummy Sheep: Boobies. Vaginas. Mmmm…… gorgeous.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Sheep doesn’t like men.
Daddy Pig: I-I-I-I-I just don’t understand! You proposed to me!
[Daddy Pig takes his wedding ring off.]
Daddy Pig: You gave me this ring! …did you never really love me? W-w-was… was this all for nothing?
Mummy Sheep: …
Daddy Pig: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: (sigh) I mean… admit it, you only love me because I’m a pornstar.
Daddy Pig: Well, duh. Your ass is absolutely massive!
Mummy Sheep: I… I… I guess I’ve just suppressed these feelings all these years and… when I was shooting the porn with Zoltan’s Mum, I guess… I guess it just felt… right!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep likes Zoltan’s Mum.
Daddy Pig: What the hell?! You’re leaving me for… another prostitute?
Mummy Sheep: No! Of course not. She seems pretty happy with Scatman John.
Super Potato: Actually, Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman John broke up.
Mummy Sheep: AW FUCK YEAH! I’M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER PROSTITUTE!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I guess… I guess this was never going to work anyway.
Mummy Sheep: Yeah… I’m sorry I broke up your wedding with Mummy Pig, I was just… I don’t know, jealous?
Daddy Pig: It’s okay. So… I mean… I guess… 
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Is this it for us?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: …I guess so. 
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: …I’m sorry… for everything… I really am.
[SpongeBob starts crying.]
SpongeBob: It’s just so sad! (cries)
Squidward: Oh shut up.
[Squidward passes SpongeBob a box of tissues.]
Squidward: Here.
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Squidward: Still a better love story than Twilight.
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: I’m sorry, are- …are we done?
Mummy Sheep: Oh right, yeah, sorry.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, we’re done.
Hash Brown: Good. Well, now that we’ve settled that, I’ll show you to your temporary accommodation until this whole thing dies down.
Scott the Woz: What?!
Hash Brown: I mean, this apocalypse is going to last a while. The rooms we’ve set out aren’t the tidiest or anything but-
Squidward: You had spare rooms just lying around in anticipation of this very specific situation?
Hash Brown: Yes. The Poundland Avengers pride themselves on being prepared for any circumstance.
SpongeBob: Look, I’m sorry, but… we’ve gotten through apocalypses before. When Burger Beard stole the Krabby Patty secret formula, remember?!
Sandy: SpongeBob, that was just in Bikini Bottom. We’re talking about distress on a global scale here.
Daddy Pig: I still think we should move to Iran.
SpongeBob: I-I-I… I’m not going to sit here and let the whole world fall apart. 
Sandy: SpongeBob, what do you want us to do?! Travel back in time and prevent Suzy Sheep from ever being murdered?
SpongeBob: Exactly!
Mummy Sheep: Wait… you really think you could time travel and bring my daughter back?
SpongeBob: I don’t see why not.
Daddy Pig: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Look, I’ve dabbled in time travel before, I’m basically an expert at it, but trust me - it is dangerous.
SpongeBob: Well, then we’ll just have to be extra careful!
Hash Brown: It’s too risky. I’m not letting a… sponge and some kind of daddy pig fuck up the entire space-time continuum just to bring back one person!
SpongeBob: But she’s not just one person! Suzy Sheep was an inspiration to everyone! That’s why the world is so hurt but such an important man like Boris having murdered her! It’s simple - Daddy Pig and I will go back in time, stop Suzy from ever dying, and everything will be back to normal!
Hash Brown: What the hell do you think this is? Some kind of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie?
Sandy: I am not letting you two time travel. Preventing an event that happened an entire year ago now could have dire consequences.
SpongeBob: Well… we’ll just have to find another way to bring back Suzy then!
Squidward: Oh, puh-lease. It’s not like we know a guy who can magically bring people back from the dead or anything!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Hang on… I know a guy who can magically bring back people from the dead or anything!
[Cut to Chris Chan, who is heavily panting as she runs across an empty motorway. She stops in her tracks, completely out of breath.]
Chris Chan: Oh, Jesus Christ… that was some serious parkour I just did. Wait, I am Jesus Christ. Anyhow, at least I’m well away from those jerkops now.
[The camera pans out, revealing that the prison is still visible in the background behind Chris. She turns around.]
Chris Chan: Gosh darnit! If I don’t get to Peppa Pig World soon, my darlings Cryzel Rosechu, Magi-chan Sonichu and Mewtwo will be worried sick! What I need… is some transport…
[Chris looks off into the distance to see a gas station.]
Chris Chan: Yes! My vehicle quest is finally over! ZAP TO THE EXTREME!
[Chris Chan rushes over to the gas station. There is a hoard of people in apocalyptic attire outside, filling up buckets with gasoline.]
Chris Chan: ‘Scuse me ladies, gentlemen, dudes of all teenages, as well as the, uh, gals.
[Chris Chan walks into the gas station.]
Person: Wait, was that who I think it was?
Person 2: No idea, I just did an entire bong’s worth of weed, I can’t think straight right now.
[Some of the gasoline catches fire, blowing up one of the cars parked outside.]
Person 2: Just to be clear, was that the weed or-
Person: Nope, your car just blew up.
Person 2: Sick.
[Chris Chan approaches the counter in the gas station. She puts a can of Fanta down on the table.]
Chris Chan: Just this please.
[Chris notices there is no employee behind the cash register.]
Chris Chan: Huh. Well that’s no good. 
[Chris aimlessly checks her surroundings.]
Chris Chan: Hello? Is there anyone-
[Chris notices a scared employee cowering under the counter.]
Chris Chan: Oh hey, I’d like this Fanta please. Goes great with some of your own, um… cum. Chocolate syrup works too. Are you in the hedgehog stress pose? I do that too sometimes, mainly when those damn trolls are being mean to me. Like this one time, I was hugging this woman and she kept telling me to stop and-
Employee: Dude, the world is ending right now. There are people starting fires outside!
Chris Chan: Soooo… can I pay for my Fanta?
Employee: Just take it, I really don’t care.
Chris Chan: Huh. Well, that’s awfully kind of you. By the way, do you know where I can hire a car?
Employee: Bitch, did you not hear me?! The world is ending! Nothing matters anymore! Either hide out in here with me, or take your Fanta and run for your life!
Chris Chan: (sighs) You’re being so melodramatic right now. The world isn’t ending. The prophesied dimensional merge which will combine our dimension with that of the-
[The employee passes Chris a key.]
Chris Chan: Wh- What’s this?
Employee: My car keys. Just fucking go.
Chris Chan: But I didn’t finish explaining the dimensional-
Employee: JUST TAKE THE KEYS AND FUCKING GO!!!!!!
Chris Chan: OKAY I’M SORRY!
[Chris Chan walks out of the store with the keys, before immediately walking back in again.]
Chris Chan: Um, which car is yours agai-
Employee: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Chris Chan: OKAY!
[Cut to Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Scott the Woz leaving Sandy’s treedome.]
Daddy Pig: Alright, we just need to- 
[Mummy Sheep’s car fucking blows up due to the damage from the car chase.]
Daddy Pig: -shit.
Scott the Woz: I went before we left, I’m fine.
Daddy Pig: Okay, what now?
SpongeBob: Your car’s still at my pineapple, right?
Daddy Pig: It’s too far away, we shouldn’t be wandering around unprotected in this apocalypse.
SpongeBob: Good point, good point.
Scott the Woz: Where are we even going?
Daddy Pig: I’ll explain later, there’s no time. We just quickly need a mode of transport… oh shit.
[Exterior shot of Peppa Pig’s house. The windows and doors are barricaded up. Inside, the Pig family and Sikowitz are in the living room with the lights off. Sikowitz is scrolling through his phone.]
Sikowitz: …huh. It says here on Reddit that apparently Chris Chan escaped prison.
Mummy Pig: Who?
Sikowitz: You know, Chris Chan?
Mummy Pig: Never heard of him.
Sikowitz: Her, actually.
Mummy Pig: Oh right.
Sikowitz: Anyway, she fucked her mom and-
[Banging is heard at the front door.]
Mummy Pig: SHIT!
Sikowitz: What now?
Gary 3: Trespassers! 
[Sikowitz takes a sip of his coconut milk.]
Sikowitz: Eh.
Peppa: Mummy, why does our new daddy keep drinking that stuff?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Pig and Sikowitz are now married.
Sikowitz: This coconut gives me visions, small child.
[More banging is heard at the front door.]
Mummy Pig: Maybe if we just stay quiet… whoever’s out there will think we’re not in and they will go away.
[The front door gets kicked down, revealing SpongeBob and Daddy Pig on the other side.]
Daddy Pig: See? I told you my tummy was pure muscle!
Peppa: DADDY!
[Peppa and George rush over to hug Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Hello there, my little ones!
Peppa: I’ve missed you SO much!
[George holds out his dinosaur.]
George: Dine-saw! Grrrr!
Peppa: Even Mr. Dinosaur missed you, daddy!
Sikowitz: Hey, you’re supposed to call ME daddy!
[Mummy Pig approaches Daddy Pig.]
Mummy Pig: I… didn’t expect to see you here.
Daddy Pig: Me neither.
[Daddy Pig looks at Sikowitz.]
Daddy Pig: So… this is… your new husband now?
Mummy Pig: He’s… serviceable. 
Sikowitz: You know, I never got to thank you, SpongeBob and Daddy Pig, for your hospitality while you let me live in your quarters. But, I do have to say… I prefer it here a lot.
SpongeBob: (groans) Yeah, because of the children no doubt.
Mummy Pig: He keeps giving Peppa and George funny looks, but no one’s perfect I suppose.
Daddy Pig: Yeah…
Mummy Pig: So… how’s your new wife doing?
Daddy Pig: She… isn’t attracted to men.
Mummy Pig: Oh.
[Scott the Woz enters.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
Peppa: OH MY GOD! IT’S SCOTT THE WOZ! I WATCH YOUR VIDEOS ALL THE TIME!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Peppa is an epic gamer.
Scott the Woz: Thank you so much. It’s always so humbling to meet fans.
Sikowitz: I’m sorry, can we skip the small talk, please? Why are you all here?
Daddy Pig: Ah, right. Well, you’re gonna have to hear me out on this one… but I have a plan to bring Suzy back from the dead and stop all this nonsense.
Peppa: (gasp) You’re really going to bring my girlfriend back?
Daddy Pig: That’s the plan.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, I’m sorry but… how?!
Daddy Pig: I’ve met a lot of people during my time as a structural engineer. One client once was this kid with magical autism powers who could revive any dead person!
Mummy Pig: Elmo 5?
Daddy Pig: You know them?!
Mummy Pig: How could I forget! Elmo 5’s weird incest family went on a road trip to Yemen in ONE DAY! It was amazing!
Sikowitz: Didn’t Chandler go to Yemen?
Scott the Woz: Actually it’s Changler, with a G.
Daddy Pig: In theory, all we need to do is find Elmo 5 and then everything will go back to normal!
Sikowitz: What kind of name is Elmo 5, anyway?
Scott the Woz: It’s actually a pretty common name in Ohio.
Sikowitz: Where?
Scott the Woz: Ohio.
Sikowitz: That’s not a real place.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, you’re a genius.
Daddy Pig: Well I am a bit of an expert at coming up with master plans. Mummy Pig, if we could just borrow your car then we will be on our way and we can-
Mummy Pig: Eh? I’m not letting you borrow my car, you filthy cheating liar!
Daddy Pig: But-
Mummy Pig: You cheated on me with a prostitute, TWICE! I can’t trust you with anything ever again.
SpongeBob: But Mummy Pig, the entire WORLD is at stake here! 
Scott the Woz: Yeah. I’m not one to hold a grudge, unless it’s against Madden 09 cover athlete Brett Favre, but can’t you two put aside your differences just for a second?
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: …I’m sorry. The answer is no.
Daddy Pig: Come on, Mummy Pig, please. How else are we supposed to save the world?
Peppa: And my girlfriend!
Daddy Pig: And Peppa’s girlfriend.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: (sighs) …alright, fine. I will lend you my car.
Daddy Pig: FUCK YEAH! 
SpongeBob: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!
[Daddy Pig, Scott the Woz and SpongeBob all high-five.]
Mummy Pig: BUT… I’m coming with you.
SpongeBob: What?
Mummy Pig: If you get even just ONE scratch on my car, you’re dead to me, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I can live with that… I think.
SpongeBob: I guess we’re all going on a road trip then…?
Peppa: ROAD TRIP TO SAVE MY GIRLFRIEND!
[Everyone cheers.]
Sikowitz: I’ll go grab my coconut milk!
[Sikowitz rushes off.]
Mummy Pig: …what d’you say we ditch him?
SpongeBob: Hell yeah.
[Exterior shot of the White House. A whole crowd of people are outside, attempting to storm in. Cut to Joe Biden, wearing full military gear, who is being escorted outside by an entire SWAT team.]
SWAT Member: Don’t worry, Mr. President sir, we’ll get you to the presidential bunker soon.
Joe Biden: Will there be children to sniff there?
SWAT Member: Of course.
Joe Biden: Thank you all so much. Someone really needs to do something about this whole apocalypse thing.
SWAT Member: Sir, you’re literally the president.
Joe Biden: Am I? Huh. You learn something new every day.
[Joe Biden’s phone starts ringing.]
Joe Biden: I’m so sorry.
[Biden picks up the phone.]
Joe Biden: G’ello?
[The SWAT members start firing their guns at rioters in the distance.]
Joe Biden: Sex with animals? There’s no time, man! …uh-huh? …yeah, I’m about to get on the plane right now, man. I ain’t got time for this…
[Joe Biden pulls out a bottle of water from his pocket and starts drinking it. He suddenly spits it all out.]
Joe Biden: CHRIS CHAN ESCAPED? Oh Jesus Christ, I knew our police were completely incompetent and racist but what the fuck, dude?! …yeah, OBVIOUSLY we need to do something about it. Send the police after the literal motherfucker! …you can’t send the police after them? Why not? …CHRIS CURSE-YE-HAME-HA’D THEM?! 
[At this point, Joe Biden has begun boarding his private jet.]
Joe Biden: …well, we need all of the rest of the police force on full guard to stop the rioters and restore order and all that jazz. I don’t know, you come up with something… Oh yeah, I AM the president! Well, I, uh… I know exactly what to do, Chief. Send in the big guns.
[Closeup shot of three motorcycles exiting a garage somewhere. The three zoom off, revealing them to be three men wearing pickle costumes. Cut to Daddy Pig and SpongeBob driving in Mummy Pig’s car. Scott the Woz, Mummy Pig and Peppa and George are all crammed in the backseat.]
All: SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS 
SpongeBob: JEANS
All: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
Peppa: WITH THE FURRRRRRRRR
All: AND THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
SHE HIT THE FLOOR
Daddy Pig: SHE HIT THE FLOOR
All: NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW
THEM BAGGY SWEATBANTS AND THE REEBOK’S WITH THE STRAPS
Mummy Pig: WITH THE STRAPS
All: SO TURN AROUND AND GIVE THAT BIG BOOTY A SLAM
AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
SHE HIT THE FLOOR
Peppa: SHE HIT THE FLOOR
All: NEXT THING YOU KNOW
SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW
[The song ends.]
Scott the Woz: Uh, sorry to break this whole thing up but I’m not entirely sure this radio station is appropriate for children.
Peppa: Bruh. I literally stan Meghan Thee Stallion.
Mummy Pig: Yeah! Don’t tell me how to raise my children.
Scott the Woz: I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry.
SpongeBob: Can we put on Kim Petras now? I like the song where she sings about her tiddies.
Mummy Pig: Ooh! Me too!
Daddy Pig: Jesus Christ, Mummy Pig! Please don’t tell me you’re a lesbian too.
Peppa: What’s wrong with being a lesbian?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Peppa Pig is a lesbian.
Daddy Pig: Nothing, Peppa, nothing.
Peppa: Good. Because I love women and there’s NOTHING you can do about it.
Daddy Pig: I mean, men aren’t that bad.
Mummy Pig: (scolding him) DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What?! I’m just saying, it would be nice to have some grandchildren.
Peppa: For the last time daddy, I like big-assed, big-tittied women!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) Fine. At least there’s always George.
George: Dine-saw! Grrrrr!
Daddy Pig: If George turns out to be a homosexual too I am going bloody bonkers I am!
SpongeBob: You know, Daddy Pig, I think this is actually the first time I’ve met your children.
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah! Peppa, George, this is SpongeBob.
Peppa: That’s a dumbass name.
SpongeBob: I get that a lot.
Scott the Woz: I wish people would say I had a dumbass name…
Mummy Pig: Honestly SpongeBob, I have no idea how you put up with Daddy Pig for so long. If I were you, I would have kicked him out eventually. 
SpongeBob: Funny you mention that-
Daddy Pig: Now, now, SpongeBob, let’s not dwell on detail.
[The group passes a sign reading “Now leaving Peppa Pig World…” On the other side of the road, Chris Chan in their car enters Peppa Pig World.]
Chris Chan: …I finally made it. Peppa Pig World.
[Cut to Chris Chan entering the Peppa Pig World town centre. She steps out of her vehicle.]
Chris Chan: Fear not, hapless citizens of the world of Peppa Pig! It is I - the one and only Mrs. Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, Goddess of the Nations of Cwcville, Comma, and the Commodore Consoles, and the One True and Honest Creator and Chronicillor of Sonichu and Rosechu, and I am here to save the day!
[The apocalyptic citizens briefly stop and stare at Chris, before immediately resuming their infighting and vandalism, etc., etc.]
Chris Chan: Pfffffft… I guess they’re taking this whole dimensional merge easier than I thought they would.
[Sikowitz starts walking down the street, mumbling to himself.]
Sikowitz: Can’t believe they left without me, fucking idiots…
[Sikowitz approaches Chris, still sipping on his coconut milk.]
Sikowitz: This coconut milk is strong stuff, I tell ya.
Chris Chan: Mmm-hmmm.
[Sikowitz stops sipping.]
Sikowitz: Heyyyy, I know you! I saw your penis on the Cwcki! 
Chris Chan: Oh, heh, a fan I see? Not my proudest moment, though I must admit I am indeed pretty good in bed. My mother would vouch for me.
Sikowitz: Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?
Chris Chan: When the dimensional merge is happening? Someone has to oversee it.
Sikowitz: Dimensional merge? Huh… so that’s what this is.
Chris Chan: Yeah. You see, our dimension, Earth C-1218, is colliding with that of Earth C-197, where all of everyone’s OCs, superheroes, and My Little Ponies reside. As the CPU Goddess of this world, it is my sworn duty to watch over the merge and make sure it all goes smoothly.
Sikowitz: Makes perfect sense.
Chris Chan: I know, right?! I just… I just thought that maybe the whole process would go a bit quicker than this, you know?
Sikowitz: I know.
[Pause.]
Chris Chan: …So… you come here often?
Sikowitz: Live here actually. With my wife.
Chris Chan: Awwww, I bet she’s a doll.
Sikowitz: Eh, a bit too old for me personally but it is what it is. 
Chris Chan: Does she have a name?
Sikowitz: Mummy Pig.
Chris Chan: Why’d they call her that?
Sikowitz: Because she’s a mommy and she’s a pig.
Chris Chan: Huh.
Sikowitz: Yeah she’s a good one. Gone to stop the apocalypse, actually.
Chris Chan: …what?
Sikowitz: I said she’s gone to stop this whole apocalypse. Save the world and all that.
[Chris Chan starts breathing heavily and makes groaning noises.]
Sikowitz: Are you… are you okay?!
[Chris Chan starts throwing a tantrum. She angrily jumps up and down like a manchild.]
Chris Chan: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sikowitz: Jesus Christ mate. Here, have some coconut mil-
[Chris Chan knocks the coconut milk out of Sikowitz’s hand.]
Chris Chan: SHE CAN’T STOP THE APOCALYPSE! IF SHE STOPS THE APOCALYPSE, SHE’LL STOP THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE AND I’LL NEVER GET TO MEET SONICHU, ROSECHU, CRYZEL SONICHU, MEWTWO, AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND ACCESS MY MILLIONS FROM CWCVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sikowitz: Okay, okay, calm down kid-
Chris Chan: I AM FORTY YEARS OLD!
Sikowitz: FORTY YEARS OLD, WHAT THE FUCK? And I thought I was insane.
Chris Chan: WE NEED TO STOP MUMMY PIG BEFORE SHE RUINS EVERYTHING!
Sikowitz: Kid, I know you desperately want this whole dimensional merge delusion to play out, but she’s my wife! I can’t just go after her like this!
Chris Chan: I’ll buy you some more coconut milk.
Sikowitz: Hmmm…
[Cut to Chris Chan and Sikowitz driving in Chris’ car.]
All: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
AND THEY’RE LIKE, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS
DAMN RIGHT, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS
I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE
MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
AND THEY’RE LIK-
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig and everyone in their car.]
Peppa: Are we nearly there yet?
Daddy Pig: Not long now, Peppa.
SpongeBob: Do you even know where exactly we’re going?
Daddy Pig: Of course I do! I built this house, you know…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: …well, I built it a long while ago but…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Yeah okay fine, I don’t exactly know where it is-
Mummy Pig: Oh Daddy Pig! You always fucking do this!
Daddy Pig: Do what?
Mummy Pig: Just you and your half-assed promises, I’m sick of it. You say you have this big bold plan to save the day, and then you come out and say you don’t even fucking know where we’re going!
Peppa: Yeah, you tell him, Mummy!
SpongeBob: Hey, hey, can we all just calm down? I’m sure we can figure this out.
Scott the Woz: How? If we don’t know where to find this Elmo 5 guy then we’re kind of fucked.
Daddy Pig: I like being fucked.
[Everyone glares at Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: What? Mummy Pig used to peg me all the time, I loved it.
Mummy Pig: He did. I bet that whore Mummy Sheep never pegged you like that.
Daddy Pig: Well-
Mummy Pig: She’s a lesbian, she was never actually attracted to you. Unlike SOMEONE in this car was, until you started to go off and fucking cheat on me!!!!
Peppa: Mummy, Daddy, what does “peg” mean?
SpongeBob: Aren’t those the things you use to hang up your washing outside to dry?
Daddy Pig: I hate doing the bloody washing up.
Mummy Pig: Of course you do, you lazy git.
[The group drive past a strip club. Daddy Pig does a U-turn at a roundabout and starts driving back towards it.]
SpongeBob: Hey! Where are we going?!
Mummy Pig: Are we seriously taking a detour to go into a fucking strip club?!! 
Peppa: What’s a strip club?
Scott the Woz: We’re in the middle of an apocalypse, I doubt it would be even open.
Daddy Pig: Of course it’s open! Not even a global apocalyptic catastrophe could stop the sex industry.
[Daddy Pig parks the car outside the strip club.]
Mummy Pig: Oh my God, you horny bastard.
Peppa: What’s a horny bastard?
Daddy Pig: Not now, Peppa. Look, don’t you all realise what this place is?
SpongeBob: A degenerate club?
Mummy Pig: A place for horny bastards like you?
Peppa: I genuinely don’t understand half the words y’all are saying right now.
Daddy Pig: Look, this is the Dirty Duck, only the finest adult entertainment venue in New Kelp City!
Mummy Pig: And you know this because…?
Daddy Pig: Because I’m a horny bastard, okay?! Trust me, if we’re gonna track down Elmo 5, we’re gonna need to go in here.
[Daddy Pig gets out of the car.]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Coming?
[SpongeBob gets out too.]
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig, you stay and watch the children.
Peppa: Aw.. but I want to go in the Dirty Duck! I like ducks, they’re cute.
George: Quack quack!
Daddy Pig: Scott the Woz?
Scott the Woz: Oh, no thanks, it would be against the strict code of virgin conduct.
Daddy Pig: You sure?
Scott the Woz: Yeah.
SpongeBob: Aw, come on! You- you’re no good, you’re just a chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!
Daddy Pig: Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!
Scott the Woz: Wait, do they have Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast in there?
[Cut to the trio entering the Dirty Duck. “Yeah!” by Usher is blasting at full volume through the club’s speakers.]
Scott the Woz: This isn’t Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast! You lied to me!
[SpongeBob starts covering his own eyes.]
SpongeBob: Ew… I- I… I don’t think I like this place.
Daddy Pig: Suit yourself. Just follow my lead, I’m a bit of an expert at strip clubs.
SpongeBob: Of course you are.
[Scott the Woz takes a deep breath.]
Scott the Woz: Pull yourself together, Scott, you can get through this.
[Daddy Pig looks over at one of the dancers.]
Daddy Pig: PWAH HOHO!
SpongeBob: What is it? I can’t see a thing.
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! AWOOGA! AWOOGA!
SpongeBob: Is awooga even a word? What does that even mean? 
Daddy Pig: It means I’m rock-hard right now. 
SpongeBob: I hate you.
Daddy Pig: It also means that we’ve found the guy we’re looking for.
SpongeBob: I hate you ever so slightly less.
Daddy Pig: Carol Hudson. She works here all the time, I knew we’d find her. She knows where Elmo 5 is.
Scott the Woz: How?
Daddy Pig: They live together. It’s kind of a Full House.
[ba dum tsssst; SpongeBob uncovers his eyes]
SpongeBob: Hey! That’s Zoltan’s Mom!
Scott the Woz: Who’s mom?
SpongeBob: Zoltan’s, I thought that was obvious.
Scott the Woz: Who’s Zoltan?
SpongeBob: That’s his mom.
Daddy Pig: Now, just follow my lead. I’m a bit of an expert at chatting up birds.
[The group approach Zoltan’s Mum.]
Daddy Pig: Hey babe, do you have diarrhea because I wanna fuck the shit out of-
Zoltan’s Mum: Excuse me, if you want a lap dance you’re gonna have to pay like everyone else. This is a business, you know.
Daddy Pig: Oh, sorry.
[Daddy Pig takes out his wallet]
Daddy Pig: Cash or credit?
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What did I do now?
SpongeBob: I thought we were asking her for directions.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, yeah, in a minute, I’m busy.
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, you want… directions?
Scott the Woz: Yeah, uh… Daddy Pig here says you know Elmo 5.
Zoltan’s Mum: Who?
Scott the Woz: Elmo 5. Word on the street is that he can bring people back from the-
Zoltan’s Mum: No, I know who Elmo is, we used to live together. Who’s Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: D-d-d-d-d-don’t you remember me?
Zoltan’s Mum: I s’ppose your name does kind of ring a bell.
Daddy Pig: But we’ve had sex loads of times! Surely you remember Daddy Pig!
Zoltan’s Mum: Honey, I’m a prostitute. I’m just trying to make a living here.
Scott the Woz: Is prostitution even legal in New Kelp City?
SpongeBob: I don’t think so, at least I know it isn’t in Bikini Bottom. Patrick hired a prostitute once and we couldn’t go to BronyCon that year because he was in jail. Bummer.
Daddy Pig: So, are you gonna give me a lap dance or what?
SpongeBob: THAT’S NOT WHAT WE CAME IN HERE FOR!
Daddy Pig: LET A FELLA HAVE SOME FUN IN HERE, OKAY?!
[Cut back to Mummy Pig, Peppa and George waiting outside. Peppa and George are watching a YouTube video on their iPad.]
Morgz: (on iPad) WHAT’S UP GUYS, IT’S YA BOY MORGZ AND TODAY WE’RE GONNA BE DOING THE 24 HOURS AUSCHWITZ CHALLENGE!
[Suddenly, Chris Chan and Sikowitz’s car pull up next to them.]
Sikowitz: …Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: Sikowitz: What are you- how did you find us?
Sikowitz: Oh I just used the “Find My Wife” app, very handy you know.
Chris Chan: Awww, this is your wife? She looks like a sweetheart.
Mummy Pig: Awwwww, thank you dear. That’s so kind.
Chris Chan: Can’t believe a gal like you wants to STOP THE PROPHESIED DIMENSIONAL MERGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mummy Pig: …are you on drugs or something, mate?
[Cut back to the strip club.]
Daddy Pig: Come on, give me a lap dance!
Zoltan’s Mum: You know you’re being a massive incel right now, right?
Daddy Pig: Come on, just one little lap dance! It’s not that hard!
[Suddenly, Chris Chan bursts in.]
Chris Chan: This does not even deserve a captain’s log introduction. Hey guys, this is dead serious!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoltan’s Mum: Now who the hell is that?
Chris Chan: (pointing at the group) YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott the Woz: soulja boy tell em
Chris Chan: Did you really think that could you could stop I, the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself, from completing the dimensional merge… and get away with it?!
SpongeBob: …who the fuck is that?
Scott the Woz: I think it’s an insane person.
Zoltan’s Mum: Must be a drunk. We get those in here all the time. (downs a bottle of wine) I’m one of them.
Chris Chan: ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!!!!! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD STOP THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE?!!!!!
SpongeBob: The… dimensional… what?!
Chris Chan: You know exactly what- you know… I ain’t got time for this.
[Chris Chan starts straining.]
Scott the Woz: What are they doing now?
Zoltan’s Mum: I don’t even know.
Chris Chan: Curse ye hame… HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Chris Chan curse-ye-ha-me-ha’s Scott the Woz and he fucking dies.]
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
SpongeBob: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
[Everyone in the club stops what they’re doing and starts chattering amongst themselves in fear.]
Chris Chan: THAT is but a taste of my fury! Surrender now, or you’;; face more of Christ’s wrath.
Daddy Pig: …the dude is absolutely mental!
Zoltan’s Mum: We gotta get out of here. Now.
Chris Chan: NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The group starts running out of the club.]
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HAME HA!
[Chris Chan attempts to curse them but misses, instead blowing a massive hole into the side of the strip club.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Aw crap, that’ll be coming out of my paycheck.
[Zoltan’s Mum points at Daddy Pig.]
Zoltan’s Mum: This is all your fault!
Daddy Pig: How is it my fault?
Zoltan’s Mum: You just had to be a massive pervert, didn’t you? You probably touch yourself every night.
SpongeBob: I can confirm. Dirty bastard.
[The three run towards the car.]
Mummy Pig: Oh hey guys! Did you get the directions?
Daddy Pig: THIS IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY A CRAZY PERSON HAS TRIED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, and Zoltan’s Mum hop in the car.]
SpongeBob: We need to go, right now.
Peppa: FINALLY!
[Pan over to Sikowitz trying to pay for the parking for Chris Chan’s car.]
Sikowitz: What do you mean “card declined”?!
[Sikowitz kicks the machine.]
Sikowitz: Idiot!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and everyone begin driving off. Sikowitz turns around.]
Sikowitz: Hey! HEY!
[Sikowitz begins chasing after the car.]
Sikowitz: I AM NOT BEING LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!
[At this point, Chris Chan has begun chasing after them too but they’re so overweight and out of shape that they can barely breathe.]
Chris Chan: Hey…(panting) wait… up…
[Sikowitz manages to climb into the back of the moving vehicle.]
Sikowitz: Wooh, thanks.
[Mummy Pig points over to Chris Chan.]
Mummy Pig: That’s the guy who’s trying to kill you?
Peppa: They’ve got a bigger tummy than Daddy!
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
SpongeBob: They’re stronger than they look, trust us.
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HAME-
[Chris Chan collapses on the floor before they can do anything. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig’s car speeds off.]
Peppa: (waving) Bye-bye!
George: Bye.
[Cut to the group driving down a deserted motorway.]
Sikowitz: -look, I’m sorry I led Chris right to you but they were very convincing! They promised me more coconut milk, okay?!
Mummy Pig: It’s okay. We forgive you.
[Mummy Pig and Sikowitz kiss.]
Daddy Pig: Bleh. 
SpongeBob: What’s Chris Chan’s deal anyway?
Sikowitz: They think this apocalypse is the beginning of some kind of “dimensional merge” between realms or something. Reminds me of my coconut milk visions, actually. Anyway, I guess since you guys are gonna bring Suzy back and stop the apocalypse, they think we’re gonna stop the merge.
Daddy Pig: Dimensional merge?
Peppa: BRUH
SpongeBob: Actually, I meant what’s with their crazy “curse ye hame ha” powers and all that?
Sikowitz: Ha! Absolutely no idea. I’ve actually been following Chris’ online presence on Reddit for a while now. I just hope that’s the last we see of them.
Zoltan’s Mum: Me too. Kind of out of a job though now that the club got destroyed.
Daddy Pig: You still have your self-employed prostitute stuff though, right?
Zoltan’s Mum: Yeah, but that’s not always guaranteed to get customers, you know?
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab is always looking for entertainers.
Daddy Pig: I thought the Krusty Krab was in debt of over one Morbillion dollars.
SpongeBob: Shoot! All this apocalypse stuff made me forget.
Daddy Pig: So, what are you gonna do once this apocalypse blows over, Mummy Pig?
Mummy Pig: I don’t know… Sikowitz wants to spend more time with the children.
Sikowitz: Oh, I do.
Daddy Pig: I still can’t believe you’re married to that freak! No offence, Sikowitz.
Sikowitz: None taken.
Mummy Pig: Eh, I mean… he suffices.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I know I’ve done you wrong and I don’t expect you to forgive me… but you really could do much better than him. Again, no offence, Sikowitz.
Sikowitz: Again, none taken.
SpongeBob: Guys, sorry to interrupt but are we going to talk about how Scott the Woz was murdered by Chris Chan or-
Zoltan’s Mum: OH MY GOD! WE’RE HERE!
[Zoltan’s Mum points off into the distance to the house from Full Server.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my lord…
"Whatever happened to predictability."
"The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?"
"How did I get to living here?"
"Somebody tell me please!"
"This old world's confusing me."
"With clouds as mean as you've ever seen"
"Ain't a bird who knows your tune."
"Then a little voice inside you Whispers,"
"Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon"
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto."
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a place, of Somebody who needs you"
"Everywhere you look."
"When you're lost out there and you're all alone,"
"A light is waiting to carry you home."
"Everywhere you look."
"Everywhere you look."
[The group pulls into the driveway.]
SpongeBob: Alright, so… this is it I guess? We just go in there and find Elmo 5 and she’ll revive Suzy Sheep for us?
Daddy Pig: I guess so.
Peppa: And then I can make out with my girlfriend again!
[Cut the group walking up to the Full Server house door.]
Sikowitz: So we just knock on the door I guess?
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, yeah, that’s what you do to let someone know you want to come into their house and stuff.
[Zoltan’s Mum knocks on the door. Pause.]
…
…
Zoltan’s Mum: Maybe they’re all sleeping.
Daddy Pig: Try knocking again.
[Zoltan’s Mum knocks again.]
Zoltan’s Mum: HELLO? IT’S ZOLTAN’S MOTHER! THERE ARE SOME WEIRD PEOPLE HERE WHO WANT TO SPEAK TO ELMO 5!
[Pause.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Well I’ve done all I can do.
Mummy Pig: Don’t you have a key or anything?
Zoltan’s Mum: They locked me out once I started dating Ken Stringfellow.
SpongeBob: You WHAT?
Sikowitz: Ah, I know Mr. Stringfellow! Very nice chap he is. Very… nice chap.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Okay, you’re clearly knocking on the door wrong or something. Let me do this.
Zoltan’s Mum: Alright, alright, if you say.
[Daddy Pig fucking knocks the door down.]
Daddy Pig: There we go! Entre, as they say in France.
SpongeBob: That’s Spanish.
Daddy Pig: I knew that.
[The group enter the hallway of the house. An eerie silence feels the air.]
Sikowitz: This is weird. This is really weird.
Mummy Pig: I thought you said loads of people lived here, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: They do!
Zoltan’s Mum: Maybe they’ve just popped out somewhere.
Peppa: Just like Daddy popped out somewhere when Mummy found out he was cheating on her!
SpongeBob: I mean, they can’t have gone far given the state of the world right now.
???: HI-YA!
[Suddenly, a shadowy figure sneaks up on the group and knocks them all out with a baseball bat. Cut to everyone waking up in a basement somewhere, all tied to chairs.]
Peppa: …ugh… well that was rude.
Daddy Pig: Wh- What happened? Where are we?
[A light turns on. Most of the Full Server cast are staring directly at the group.]
Pluto: …Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Oh! Ho-ho! It’s just these guys.
Pluto: What are you… doing here? We’re in the middle of an apocalypse!
SpongeBob: YOU THINK WE DON’T KNOW?! IT’S BEEN IN THE SCRIPT TWENTY-THREE TIMES!
Jess: Well I’m not complaining. Zoltan’s Mum is HOT.
Zoltan’s Mum: Go fuck yourself.
Jess: Gladly.
Pluto: This is exactly why we got divorced.
Mummy Pig: I know that feeling…
Zoltan: Hi mum. Hi, guy from Victorious.
Zoltan’s Mum: Hey.
Sikowitz: Howdy.
Prim: Wh- wha… why the hell did you all break into our house?!
Paige: You could have just knocked, you know.
Daddy Pig: WE DID!
Mummy Pig: Yeah, why didn’t you answer?
Zoltan: We were hiding from the apocalypse in the basement.
Daddy Pig: Ahhh.
Paige: Isn’t Peppa Pig World like two hours away though? Why’d you come all the way here?
Sikowitz: Oh, you see, that’s easy. We came for your children.
Purple: I thought I was the pedophile around here. (as a joke)
Prim: I got banned from Discord for being a pedophile once. (again, as a joke, though he did actually get banned for this)
SpongeBob: Um, what Sikowitz means here is that-
Daddy Pig: We were hoping we could find Elmo 5.
Prim: Elmo 5?
SpongeBob: Yeah! With Elmo 5 we could-
Paige: -revive Suzy Sheep and stop the apocalypse?
SpongeBob: How’d you-
Paige: (sighs) Didn’t you think we would have tried that already?
Daddy Pig: Well, um…. Yes? Maybe? No? …No, we didn’t think you would have tried that already.
Mummy Pig: Oh my God, Daddy Pig. You idiot!
Prim: Look, guys, we appreciate the gesture, but Elmo 5’s magic autism powers only work if she has special ice cream! Duh!
Daddy Pig: WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
Pluto: BRUH
Paige: EVERYONE KNOWS THAT! IT’S A WELL-KNOWN FACT THAT MAGIC AUTISM POWERS ONLY WORK WITH MAGIC AUTISM ICE CREAM!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig didn’t think his plan through.
Peppa: Silly Daddy!
George: Silly Daddy!
Daddy Pig: COME ON GUYS! I COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN! HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
Mummy Pig: Great. So we came all this way for NOTHING?
Peppa: I COULD BE HOME PLAYING FORTNITE RIGHT NOW!
Paige: (sighs) It’s okay, doesn’t matter. I guess now that you’re here you can join in with our Jackbox game!
Mummy Pig: JACKBOX?! I DID NOT GO ON A TWO-HOUR CAR JOURNEY AND ALMOST GET KILLED BY CHRIS CHAN TO PLAY FUCKING JACKBOX!
Liz: Chris Chan?
Paige: Well, it’s not like we can do anything else without the magic autism ice cream.
[Pan over to Sikowitz eating a tub of magic autism ice cream.]
Sikowitz: Mmm. Good stuff this is.
[Pause.]
Paige: Wh- Where did you get that?
Sikowitz: Where did I get what?
SpongeBob: Your magic autism ice cream?
Sikowitz: OH THAT! I carry it with me at all times in case of emergencies. You should try some.
Daddy Pig: Gimme that!
[Daddy Pig snatches the ice cream from Sikowitz.]
Daddy Pig: See? My plan isn’t stupid after all. 
Mummy Pig: Hmph.
Daddy Pig: A “I’m so sorry I doubted you, Daddy Pig” would be nice.
Mummy Pig: …
Daddy Pig: Come on…
Mummy Pig: …I’m… I’m… I’m sorry I doubted you, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: There it is!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig likes being a stuck-up twat.
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT A STUCK-UP TWAT!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, now that we have the ice cream, can we bring Suzy back now?
Prim: Of course! This changes everything!
Paige: Someone call the Elmos.
Zoltan: ELMOS ASSEMBLE!
[Prim, Paige and Zoltan’s children, the Elmos, all rush in.]
Zoltan: SINGLE FILE!
[The Elmos line up next to eachother as if they were in the fucking military of some shit.]
Zoltan: Good Elmos.
SpongeBob: Which one is Elmo 5 again?
Zoltan: I have no idea, I get them mixed up all the time.
Elmo 3: BRUH! Elmo 3 thinks it’s easy to tell us apart.
Elmo 2 2: YASSSSSS! Slay, Elmo 3.
Elmo 2: Shut the fuck up.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3, me, is the famous one with the TV channel. Elmo 2 is the Satanist one-
Elmo 2: HELL YEAH ELMO 2 IS!
Elmo 3: -Elmo 4 is the baby one-
Elmo 4: goo goo
Elmo 3: -Elmo 5 is the girl with autism powers-
Elmo 5: Yuh.
Elmo 3: -and Elmo 2 2 is… sorry, Elmo 3 forgets, what does Elmo 2 2 do again?
Elmo 2 2: Elmo 2 2 is special.
Elmo 3: Ah, right. And Elmo 2 2 is special.
Mummy Pig: I’m sorry, can’t we speed this up?
Paige: Yeah, I wanna go watch Judge Judy.
Purple: N%&£^ shut up or I’ll pump you full of lead!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and the gang gasp.]
Prim: Woah woah woah! Excuse my friend’s racism, he’s just jealous because of my medallion. Got it for being racist during a round of robot raping.
SpongeBob: He means robot rapping, with an extra P, right?
Prim: Sure. Anyway, Elmo 5, do your thing.
[Elmo 5 steps forward.]
Elmo 5: Ugh. Does Elmo 5 have to?
Prim: You’ll save the world.
Elmo 5: Oh okay. Gimme the ice cream.
Sikowitz: THE WHOLE TUB?
Elmo 5: The whole tub.
Sikowitz: Ugh, fucking liberals.
[Sikowitz passes Elmo 5 the tub of ice cream. She downs it in one go.]
Elmo 5: Is this coconut flavor?
Sikowitz: It’s the best one.
Peppa: So… what now?
Elmo 5: You might wanna step back.
SpongeBob: …we’re all tied to chairs right now.
Elmo 5: Whoopsie.
[Elmo 5 steps back herself.]
Elmo 5: Elmo 5’s just checking. It’s Suzy Sheep you want back, right?
Daddy Pig: Nah, it’s Charlotte Shee- OF COURSE IT’S SUZY SHEEP!
Elmo 5: OKAY OKAY!
[Elmo 5 takes a deep breath, and then starts chanting the magic words.]
Elmo 5: HEIL SATAN! HEIL SATAN! THY KINGDOM COME! THEY WILL BE DONE! ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HELL! WE SHALL PRAY YOUR UNHOLY NAME! SATAN SHALL EMERGE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …I don’t get it. Nothing happened.
Elmo 5: WELL DUH! Suzy Sheep is two hours away in Peppa Pig World!
SpongeBob: Oh.
[The camera pans out of the Full Server house, and all the way back into the Peppa Pig World cemetery. A large group of people dressed in apocalyptic attire are rioting over Suzy Sheep’s grave.]
Fred Rechid: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
All: JUSTICE FOR SUZY!
Fred Rechid: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!
All: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly, the ground below starts crumbling.]
Fred Rechid: Uh… this isn’t what we meant!
[The floor begins shaking more.]
Fred Rechid: It’s okay! It’s okay! We don’t need justice for Suzy THIS bad, gods!
Nat Peterson: EARTHQUAKE!
[The crowd starts running around in fear, screaming.]
Pedro Pony: I WANT MY MUMMY!!
[A large sky beam suddenly emerges from Suzy Sheep’s grave, before the ghost of Suzy Sheep suddenly emerges from it herself. The crowd suddenly stops panicking.]
Mr. Rabbit: Wait… could it be?
Nocturna: IT’S SUZY SHEEP!
[The crowd starts jumping up and down, celebrating.]
Mummy Cat: WE’RE SAVED! WE’RE SAVED!
[A levitating Suzy Sheep looks towards the crowd.]
Suzy Sheep: Sup bitches.
Charlotte Sheep: It’s Suzy!
Gary the Snail 3: It’s really her!
Madame Gazelle: The apocalypse is over!
Mrs. Puff: It’s a miracle!
Suzy Sheep: Oh, I wouldn’t say that the apocalypse is over just yet…
[The crowd murmurs amongst themselves in confusion.]
Suzy Sheep: I was a gay icon, and you people just let Boris kill me like it was nothing! I mean, come on now, it took y’all OVER A YEAR to even convict this man! I may just be a preschooler who plays Fortnite with her girlfriend, but I can smell bullshit. 
Mr. Bull: Bullshit doesn’t smell that bad…
[Just like Chris Chan, Suzy Sheep takes a deep breath in and draws her cupped hands to her side. She concentrates all her energy before thrusting her hands towards the crowd.]
Suzy Sheep: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suzy shoots a massive laser beam towards the crowd, effectively killing a lot of them. The rest run away, screaming in fear.]
Suzy Sheep: YEAH?!!!! YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
[Cut back to the Full Server house. The gang rush outside and stare at the massive skybeam visible all the way from Peppa Pig World.]
Peppa: What’s happening?!
Sikowitz: It’s a skybeam! Just like all the superhero movies!
[Sikowitz gets a notification on his phone.]
Sikowitz: Ah, that would be Reddit.
SpongeBob: Look, with all due respect I really don’t think now’s the best time to be checking Reddit.
Sikowitz: (looking at his phone) Hmm. Looks like Suzy Sheep’s gone evil.
Daddy Pig: I told you guys bringing Suzy back from the dead was a bad idea.
Mummy Pig: IT WAS YOUR IDEA, YOU 24-KARAT PLONKER!
SpongeBob: What’s a “plonker”?
Peppa: Daddy, apparently.
[Daddy Pig turns around to Elmo 5.]
Daddy Pig: What on Earth did you do?
Elmo 5: Elmo 5 don’t know! Elmo 5 just did what Elmo 5 normally does and-
[Elmo 5 takes a look at the magic autism ice cream.]
Elmo 5: …this is out-of-date.
Sikowitz: Ah, yes. I got it from the clearance aisle. I prefer the expired stuff, you know. Gives me visions.
SpongeBob: Good Neptune.
Mummy Pig: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SIKOWITZ!
Sikowitz: How was I supposed to know it would make Suzy go on a murderous rampage?
SpongeBob: I don’t like agreeing with Sikowitz, but he’s right.
Daddy Pig: Oh, oh, this is perfect. 
Sikowitz: Could be worse.
Peppa: MY GIRLFRIEND HAS TURNED EVIL! HOW COULD IT BE WORSE?
Sikowitz: We could be Matt Hancock having to eat camel penis.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Matt Hancock is so silly!
Peppa: I’m scared.
Mummy Pig: Don’t worry Peppa, everything’s going to be just fine.
Peppa: Really?
Mummy Pig: No.
[Cut to the Poundland Avengers HQ. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Mummy Sheep, and PenisMan are gathered around a table playing a board game.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm…
[Mr. Krabs moves a piece on the board.]
Mr. Krabs: Checkmate.
Squidward: We’re playing Snakes and Ladders.
[Hash Brown, Super Potato, and Sandy burst in.]
Sandy: PenisMan, we have a situation.
PenisMan: What kind of situation?
[Cut to the group, as well as a small crowd of other people taking shelter in the HQ, watching a video on a large monitor of Suzy Sheep’s rampage.]
Suzy Sheep: (on video) YOU’RE CURSED! YOU’RE CURSED! AND YOU’RE DEFINITELY CURSED!
Nostalgia Critic: (on video) What about me? Am I cursed?
Suzy Sheep: (on video) Oh no, you’re fine. I like you.
Mr. Krabs: This is a stupid TV show.
Sandy: It’s not a TV show, Mr. Krabs, this is real life.
Mummy Sheep: Suzy… what happened to you?
[Cut back to outside the Full Server house.]
SpongeBob: There has to be a way to stop Suzy, surely.
Peppa: I hope so.
Sikowitz: Fat chance. I mean, it’s not like someone with equally as strong autism powers like Suzy Sheep is gonna suddenly show up and-
[Chris Chan suddenly shows up.]
Chris Chan: FINALLY! I’VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!
Sikowitz: Oh shit.
Daddy Pig: How did you find us?
Chris Chan: Sikowitz dropped his phone, his password was “coconut” in all lowercase. “Find My Wife” is a great app.
Sikowitz: Ah, right.
Mummy Pig: We are getting divorced as soon as everything returns to normal.
Daddy Pig: LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Everyone stares at Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: I mean, not that I was hoping for them to- 
Chris Chan: SHUT UP! Just… all of you, shut up. I have had it UP TO HERE with you all going around trying to stop the dimensional merge. And I have had ENOUGH of it!
SpongeBob: Okay.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, okay.
Chris Chan: I AM GOING TO SHOVE YOUR ASSES DOWN YOUR THROATS, AND MAKE YOU EAT YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!! You guys are more annoying than the Xbox 360. The reason they call it the 360 is because it makes you want to turn 360 degrees and walk away. And you know what I do whenever I see an Xbox 360?
[Pause.]
Chris Chan: DO YA?!!!!!
George: No.
Mummy Pig: We don’t know, no.
Chris Chan: Well, let me show ya. 
[Chris takes a deep breath.]
Chris Chan: Curse ye ham-
SpongeBob: WAIT!
Chris Chan: Ugh, what is it?! I’m trying to curse ya here.
SpongeBob: Please don’t curse us… you want to stop this.. dimension… this dimensional-
Chris Chan: Dimensional merge.
SpongeBob: THAT! You want to stop THAT, right? Whatever it is?
Chris Chan: I want to stop YOU from stopping the merge!
SpongeBob: Well, um… okay, yeah. Well… what if I told you that we want the merge to happen too?
Chris Chan: …you do?
SpongeBob: YEAH!
Chris Chan: Then… then why did you try and stop it?
SpongeBob: We didn’t! We never did!
Sikowitz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big misunderstanding, totally my fault for misleading you like that.
Chris Chan: Oh… okay.
SpongeBob: But you know who does want to stop the merge? Suzy Sheep.
Chris Chan: …who?
Mummy Pig: Beloved LBGTQ+ rights activist?
Peppa: My girlfriend?
Daddy Pig: The one who’s on a rampage through Peppa Pig World and Bikini Bottom right now?
Chris Chan: Oh, right, her.
SpongeBob: YEAH! She, uh… she wants to stop the dimensional merge from happening. So, uh… we need your help to go and stop her!
Chris Chan: Well why didn’t you say so? Let’s go stop her now!
SpongeBob: Wait really?
Chris Chan: Yeah! Let’s go smash that jerkop.
SpongeBob: I don’t know what a jerkop is but that’s great!
Mummy Pig: One small problem. Peppa Pig World is two hours away, we’ll never get there in time.
[Daddy Pig turns to the Full Server gang.]
Daddy Pig: You guys went all the back to Yemen and back in a day, right?
Paige: Yuh.
Daddy Pig: …you think we could do something like that?
[Cut to the Poundland Avengers fighting Suzy Sheep. Super Potato is shooting laser beams from his eyes at Suzy, but they have no effect on her.]
Suzy Sheep: Hmph. Is this really the best you can do? 
Super Potato: Apparently.
Suzy Sheep: CURSE YE HAME HA!
[Suzy shoots a beam at Super Potato, killing him.]
Sandy: Whoops.
Hash Brown: Suzy’s invulnerable, we’re fucked!
PenisMan: YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S OBVIOUS?!!!!!!
Hash Brown: Well, it was implied.
Sandy: It’s no use, we’re gonna have to retreat.
Hash Brown: If we retreat, we all die!
Sandy: Do you have a better plan?
Hash Brown: Well I… I… I…
[Suddenly, The Final Countdown by Europe begins playing.]
Hash Brown: What the…
PenisMan: Is this Swedish rock?
Sandy: It’s Europe.
PenisMan: Sweden is in Europe, I think.
Suzy Sheep: The fuck is this?
10…
9…
8…
7…
6…
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
[The drums start to kick in on the song. Cut to Chris Chan speeding towards Peppa Pig World, The Final Countdown still blasting at full volume in the background.]
PenisMan: Oh my God.
Sandy: Rivers Cuomo?
Chris Chan: Captain’s log. Stardate - December 16, 2022. I am heading towards Peppa Pig World now to stop Suzy Sheep.
[The camera pans out to reveal SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Pig, Peppa, George and Sikowitz driving next to Chris Chan in a different car.]
Sandy: SPONGEBOB?
Hash Brown: DADDY PIG?
PenisMan: OTHER PEOPLE?!
SpongeBob: I guess this is it. We’re about to save the world. For real this time.
Daddy Pig: Let’s do it.
Sikowitz: You ready, Chris?
Chris Chan: Ready for what?
SpongeBob: …to stop Suzy Sheep?
Chris Chan: Oh right. ZAP TO THE EXTREME!
[Lightning bolts appear out of Chris’ hands as he starts levitating through the air and charges towards Suzy Sheep.]
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The song jumps straight to the guitar solo during the bridge and Chris shoots a beam towards Suzy, knocking her across Peppa Pig World. She falls on her back, creating a hole in the ground, but gets up again, completely unfazed.]
Suzy: Hmph. So that’s how it is.
[Suzy floats back up again, and shoots several more beams towards Chris, who manages to dodge them all. They then send another large beam towards Suzy, who does the same, create a large beam between the two of them which they desperately try to keep hold of in a “tug of war”-esque situation.]
Daddy Pig: YES! COME ON CHRIS CHAN!
Chris Chan: …UGH! I CAN’T HOLD ON!
[Chris Chan is too weak and they let go, causing the beam to fly towards them. Chris is sent flying towards the floor though, like Suzy, is unfazed by the damage.]
Chris Chan: I think I just soiled myself.
SpongeBob: KEEP GOING! YOU’RE DOING GREAT!
Chris Chan: But my pants are all soggy!
Daddy Pig: Are you sure it was a good idea to get this guy’s help, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: They’re our only hope.
[Chris Chan gets back up again, and Suzy and Chris begin throwing punches at eachother in the air.]
Suzy Sheep: You’ll never stop me. If Boris Johnson couldn’t, what makes you any different?
Chris Chan: I am a CPU goddess. I am the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself.
Suzy Sheep: I didn’t think Jesus had such a big tummy.
Chris Chan: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
[Chris Chan lifts up a bus and throws it towards Suzy. Suzy phases through it since she is a ghost.]
Chris Chan: …I didn’t really think that through, heh.
[Suzy curses Chris again, sending them flying across Peppa Pig World and into Bikini Bottom. He crashes through the Krusty Krab’s roof, this time very visibly beaten up.]
SpongeBob: Ugh, the Krusty Krab is already in enough debt as it is.
[Suzy flies through the Krusty Krab’s roof.]
Chris Chan: …agh.
Suzy Sheep: Looks like you forgot one thing. I am a ghost, and you are but a mere mortal.
Chris Chan: …and I just soiled myself again.
Suzy Sheep: Madame Gazelle taught me that Jesus died for our sins. I guess you’re going to die for nothing.
Sikowitz: We’re fucked. If Suzy kills Chris Chan-
SpongeBob: -there will be no way to stop her. We will be stuck in this apocalypse forever.
[Energy beams appear in Suzy’s hands.]
Suzy Sheep: Does our so-called messiah have any last words?
???: WAIT!
[Everything stops. Suzy turns around to see Peppa at the entrance to The Krusty Krab.]
Suzy Sheep: P-P-Peppa?
[Pause. Suzy retracts the energy beams and comes down to the floor. Peppa and Suzy embrace, teardrops falling from their eyes.]
Peppa: I never thought I’d see you again!
Suzy: Neither did I! Wh-what are you doing here?
Peppa: I’m just happy to have you back.
[The two kiss.]
Peppa: There’s so much we need to catch up on. There are so many seasons of Fortnite you’ve missed!
Suzy: YASSSS! We stan Fortnite.
Peppa: We really do… y-you… you can’t do this though.
Suzy: Do what?
[Suzy looks around the destroyed Krusty Krab.]
Suzy: …oh.
[Pause. Suzy breaks down into tears.]
Peppa: What’s the matter?
Suzy: I-I-I-I-I-I didn’t mean to destroy everything or kill everyone and anything! I was just angry at everyone- at everything! I mean Boris Johnson-
[The two embrace again.]
Peppa: …It’s okay, it really is.
[Pause.]
Peppa: You have to stop though. You can’t do this.
Suzy: I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so sorry.
[Suzy turns around and looks at Chris Chan.]
Suzy: Ahem. You are free to go, sad, strange little man.
[Suzy grabs hold of Peppa and they fly out of The Krusty Krab and back over to Peppa Pig World with everyone else.]
Peppa: Mummy! Daddy! Suzy’s back to normal!
[Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig and George hug Peppa.]
Mummy Pig: We didn’t even need Chris Chan after all!
Daddy Pig: I am so proud of you, Peppa.
[Mummy Sheep slowly approaches the group.]
Mummy Sheep: …Suzy? Is that really you?
Suzy: …Mummy?
[Pause.]
Suzy: MUMMY!
[The two run towards eachother and hug.]
Hash Brown: Well, I guess this is another victory for the Poundland Avengers.
SpongeBob: You literally did not help at all.
Zoltan’s Mum: And even then I’d hardly call this a victory.
Daddy Pig: I mean, to be fair, Suzy did murder half the town.
Suzy: Ah, right. Sorry about that everyone!
Sikowitz: Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Elmo 5 can revive everyone with her magic autism ice cream powers… hopefully.
PenisMan: I mean if she can’t we’re completely fucked, and not the good kind of fucked.
Zoltan’s Mum: …so… does this mean the apocalypse can stop now?
[The apocalypse suddenly stops.]
All: HOORAY!
[The screen suddenly fades to black. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward at The Krusty Krab. Daddy Pig is finishing up the repairs of the restaurant.]
SpongeBob: I’m so glad to have a structural engineer as my friend, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it.
Squidward: It’s weird. Doesn’t even feel like there was a full-blown apocalypse a couple days ago.
SpongeBob: I know right?! It’s like this is some poorly written fanfiction or something.
???: Excuse me, are you SpongeBob and Daddy Pig?
[The three stare in awe.]
All: (gasp) Rishi Sunak!
Rishi Sunak: The one and only. You see, since Liz Truss quit during the apocalypse, I guess I’m the new prime minister now.
SpongeBob: It’s a Rishmas miracle!
Rishi Sunak: Amen to that. I just wanted to come here and officially congratulate you both on your work on stopping the global apocalypse. Sure, you did summon the ghost of Suzy Sheep who temporarily murdered half the county, but you stopped the apocalypse nonetheless.
Daddy Pig: Hoh-ho! Well I am a bit of an expert at saving the world.
Rishi Sunak: Please, if there’s anything I could help you with, just let me know. My wallet is absolutely massive, as you no doubt aware.
SpongeBob: Thank you for the offer, Mr. Rishi sir, but actually I think we are both oka-
Daddy Pig: We’d like one Morbillion dollars, please.
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG?!
Rishi Sunak: One Morbillion dollars it is, then. I shall be along soon with the cheque. Take care now.
[Rishi Sunak leaves.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, you didn’t have to do that. 
Daddy Pig: He’s a Tory, if I can scam him for Morbillion dollars, you can bet your ass I will!
Squidward: Plus, I guess this means you can finally pay off The Krusty Krab’s debt now.
SpongeBob: …huh… I guess…
[SpongeBob rushes over and hugs Daddy Pig.]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it. It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done for me this past year. Remember when I murdered your pet snail?
SpongeBob: You murdered my pet snail three times, actually. One of them being reversed due to time travel.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good times.
Squidward: So, SpongeBob, what are you going to do with The Krusty Krab now that you definitely own it?
SpongeBob: Huh… I don’t really know, actually. It’s a big shame that you can’t be a part of it though, Squidward.
Squidward: Actually, I… I have a confession to make. I lied about my job earlier… with Ian Hawke. He… didn’t accept me.
[SpongeBob starts smilling.]
Squidward: Wh- what are you smiling for?!
SpongeBob: YOU’RE STAYING HERE WITH ME AT THE KRUSTY KRAB!
Squidward: Well, um-
[SpongeBob and Squidward hug.]
SpongeBob: I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T GO! I JUST KNEW IT!
Squidward: Please let go of me.
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry.
[The two stop hugging.]
Daddy Pig: You two make a good couple.
Squidward: What?! We’re not-
SpongeBob: Squidward and I aren’t-
Squidward: We would never-
SpongeBob: We would never date, ever.
Squidward: Yeah!
Daddy Pig: Well, if you say so.
[Mummy Pig and George approach the Krusty Krab.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, my hunky monkey.
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig kiss.]
SpongeBob: Woah… you too are back together now?
Mummy Pig: Well, he may have cheated on me millions of times… but he did help save the world so I guess we’re even.
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho!
SpongeBob: I’m sorry for your loss, Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: Nothing some couples’ counselling can’t fix… probably, anyway.
SpongeBob: So what happened to Sikowitz?
Mummy Pig: Oh, he got arrested. The police found a terabyte of child porn on his laptop.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! What a 24-karat plonker!
SpongeBob: Where’s Peppa?
[Cut to Peppa at Suzy Sheep (now a ghost)’s house playing Fortnite.]
Suzy: WHY ARE YOU LANDING AT TITLED TOWERS AGAIN?! I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!
Peppa: I like seeing you get angry at me.
[Pause. The two start passionately making out. Cut to Chris Chan being thrown back into Ruckersville Jail by a group of people in pickle costumes.]
Pickle Man: And stay in there!
Chris Chan: BUT THE MERGE! THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE! THE MERGE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME IN HERE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE SONICHU! HEY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[The camera pans over to Sikowitz in the cell next to Chris.]
Sikowitz: Oh hey! I know this guy! 
Chris Chan: Ugh… great. As if this could get any worse.
[The camera pans over to reveal Boris Johnson in a third cell next to them both.]
Boris: Anyone fancy a cup of tea?
[Expert SOS by Lil Pampers begins playing as the credits roll.]
DIRECTED BY THATJESS
PRODUCED BY VANILLA PLOOP AND NORBERT
EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY MRDAGUY
WRITTEN BY THATJESS
ALSO WRITTEN BY MRDAGUY AND ZOLTAN40
MUSIC COMPOSED BY LIL PAMPERS
PI MOVIES PRESENTS
A CORAL BLUE PRODUCTION
“THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE”
[Dedicated to Suzy Sheep 2017-2021… even though she’s back as a ghost now.]
[Cut to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff eating at The Krusty Krab.]
Mrs. Puff: You know, I kinda feel bad about trying to kill Mummy Sheep like that.
Madame Gazelle: I’m sure she doesn’t mind.
[Suddenly, Scott the Woz enters The Krusty Krab.]
Scott: Hey all, Scott here!
Squidward: Scott the Woz?
SpongeBob: I thought you died!
Scott: Yeah, no. Elmo 5 cured me when she went around reviving everyone.
SpongeBob: I love bullshit explanations like that.
[SpongeBob suddenly gets a notification on his phone. He takes it out and opens a text message.]
SpongeBob: Huh.
Squidward: What’s up?
SpongeBob: I just got a text from an old friend. Haven’t seen her in years.
Squidward: I thought you were only friends with dumbasses like Patrick and Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: Nah, she’s not a dumbass. I used to jellyfish with her all the time.
Squidward: Pfft. Only dumbasses jellyfish.
SpongeBob: Eh.
Squidward: So what does she want?
SpongeBob: Her name’s Dora. She… wants to go camping with me?
= Sharpie Fumes Era =
Press expand if you want to read this section.
== 2022 ==
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E1: It's a SpongeBob Rishmas [December 25, 2022] {"thatjess"} ===
[The camera zooms in on Bikini Bottom and into SpongeBob's pineapple house, and then into his bedroom. SpongeBob and Gary 3 are sleeping. SpongeBob's alarm clock goes off, but sleigh bells are heard instead of the foghorn noise. SpongeBob wakes up and begins bursting into song.]
SpongeBob: ♪Oh, it's drawing very near. My favorite time of the year. 
[He jumps out of bed and up the ladder] 
The snow is falling and the cold wind blows. 
[He gets up on the diving board, and jumps on it] 
Rishmas is almost here. 
[He jumps up, automatically removing his pajamas and changing into his square pants] 
And I know that Sunak, Sunak. Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me! 
[He spins Rishmas lights around his pineapple] 
It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Sunak has his eyes on me. I light my house like a Rishmas tree. Fa la la la la la la la lee. 'cause Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little... 
[A Rishmas hat pops out of SpongeBob's head.] 
Eyes on me.♪
[He walks over to Squidward's house where Squidward is putting up lights]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! What are you doing today?
Squidward: Stringing lights so Sunak knows, in no uncertain terms... 
[Squidward turns the lights on, which say "GO AWAY"]
Squidward: ...to go away!
SpongeBob: Oh? You’re a liberal? 
Squidward: NO! I AM NOT A LIBERAL! I just think this whole Rishmas thing is stupid, I hate politics. Why is Rishi Sunak so special anyway?
SpongeBob: Becauuusee… ♪Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me. He sees everything I do, with his left eye on me and his right eye on you!♪ 
Squidward: That’s creepy. Are the Tories really spying on us?
SpongeBob: Don’t think about it too much.
[SpongeBob skips up to Patrick’s house, next to a box on a stick tied with string to a cookie] 
SpongeBob: ♪Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me-♪ 
[SpongeBob notices the box.]
SpongeBob: What’s that?!
Patrick: It's a trap! A trap for Sunak!
SpongeBob: Ooh! Baited with Rishmas treats?
[Patrick starts singing in the tune of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy".]
Patrick: ♪I will trap Sunak in my box, locked up like Fort Knox and make him suck my cock!♪ 
SpongeBob: Rishi is hot.
Patrick: He is.
[Cut to Peppa Pig’s house.]
Daddy Pig: ♪Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me!
Even when I was a cheat, Sunak had his eyes on me!
But now I’m back with Mummy Pig
Fa la la la la la la la la lig!
Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me!
[SpongeBob suddenly appears.]
SpongeBob: Hi Daddy Pig!
Peppa: Hi SpongeBob!
George: Hi SpunchBop!
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob! I told you I was spending Rishmas with my family this year.
SpongeBob: You forgot your glasses.
[SpongeBob hands Daddy Pig his glasses.]
Daddy Pig: I wondered why everything was so fuzzy! Thanks, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Don’t mention it.
[SpongeBob skips off again.]
SpongeBob: ♪Ohh... Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his jolly little eyes on me! Fa la la la la la la la la lee! 
[SpongeBob sees Sandy's treedome] 
SpongeBob: And who is that I see? Underneath her Rishmas tree?♪
[Cut to Sandy’s treedome.]
Sandy: ♪Oh, Rishmas, oh, Rishmas, its sweet mystery. I'll mix a dash of Rishmas cheer with a candy cane and deconstruct its alchemy.♪
SpongeBob: Merry Rishmas, Sandy!
Sandy: Merry Rishmas, SpongeBob!
[Cut to the Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: ♪Oh, Sunak, Sunak, Sunak has his eye on me. 
He's seen everything I've done. 
Every plot, plan, and scheme. 
It's just a bit of fun. 
Sunak has his eye on me. 
Every naughty deed is written in his scroll. 
So every Rishmas morning,
I GET A STOCKING FULL OF COAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!♪
Karen: Maybe you'd get a real present from Rishi Sunak if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.
Plankton: I'm way ahead of you, Karen! 
[A periodic table lowers from ceiling. Plankton walks over to it and sticks a piece of notepad paper on it reading “Jt - Jerktonium”.] 
Plankton: There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be! And I, Plankton have discovered it. 
[Plankton pulls a lever and a piece of Jerktonium contained in a glass capsule lowers from the ceiling.] 
Plankton: Behold! Jerktonium. I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies. The Rishi cake!
[A picture of a cake shaped like Rishi Sunak’s face appears on-screen.] 
Plankton: And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium! Once ingested, no one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever! Then Rishi Sunak will realize that Sheldon J. Plankton isn't so bad after all! And then I'll finally get what I really want for Rishmas, the Krabby Patty secret formula! 
[Plankton jumps on an oven and holds the Rishi cake] 
Plankton: And now for the main ingredient, Jerktonium! Okay, Jerktonium, do your stuff! 
[The Jerktonium does it stuff and infects the Rishi cake.]
Plankton: It's complete! (evil laugh)
[Plankton walks out of the restaurant.]
Plankton: The Jerkmaker 9000 will make doling out tainted Rishi cake a breeze! Now, who's gonna be my first victim?
[SpongeBob suddenly appears.]
SpongeBob: Hey, Plankton! What've you got there? (gasps) Hey! Is that a Rishi cake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya?
Plankton: Sure thing, Rishi cake! Here you go! 
[Plankton presses a button on the dispenser as a robotic arm gives SpongeBob a Rishi cake]
Plankton: Hot from the oven and full of lovin'!
SpongeBob: Ooh! Ooh! Hot! Hot! Hot! 
[SpongeBob takes a bite of the infected Rishi cake.]
SpongeBob: Mmm! Tasty!
Plankton: So, how do you feel, kinda cranky?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Sorta surly?
SpongeBob: Mm-mm.
Plankton: Maybe just a little bit jerky?
SpongeBob: No. I feel just how this cake tastes! Absolutely delicious!
Plankton: Hmm... He must have gotten a piece without Jerktonium! Here. Try some more.
SpongeBob: Don't mind if I do!
[SpongeBob eats more Rishi cake.]
Plankton: How's your dander? Is it up?
SpongeBob: No. How could I possibly be angry when my taste buds are swimming in Rishmas cheer? 
[SpongeBob takes another piece; cutaway to inside of his mouth]
Taste Bud: Oh, boy, here comes some more! Yaaaay!
Plankton: Grrr! Have some more! 
[Plankton fires a piece into SpongeBob's mouth] 
Plankton: Have a whole loaf! 
[The arm stuffs a loaf into SpongeBob's mouth] 
Plankton: Have a baker's dozen! 
[He fires 15 Rishi cakes into SpongeBob's mouth] 
Plankton: …Well?
SpongeBob: Well…
[SpongeBob swallows.]
SpongeBob: I think everyone should taste your amazing Rishi cake!
Plankton: (annoyed) You know what? Knock yourself out. 
[Plankton throws SpongeBob the keys to the dispenser] 
Plankton: Stupid hunk of junk-tonium! (sarcastically) My gift to Bikini Bottom. Boy, oh, boy. 
[Plankton goes back inside the Chum Bucket as SpongeBob begins riding the Rishi cake dispenser like a go-kart. He comes across three Rishmas carolers.]
SpongeBob: Hello, fellow revelers! Would you like a Rishmas treat?
Mummy Sheep: Why, sure, SpongeBob!
Zoltan's Mum: Yeah, who doesn't like treats?
[SpongeBob dives into the dispenser and emerges with a plate of Rishi cake] 
SpongeBob: Nothing loosens up the old pipes like some Rishi cake. Dig in!
[All three carolers take a piece]
Zoltan's Mum: It's like a present for my mouth!
SpongeBob: I knew you'd like it.
[Mummy Sheep grows bushy eyebrows, bags under her eyes, and a five-o'clock shadow.] 
Mummy Sheep: Hey! Did we come here to sing or eat fancy cake?
Zoltan's Mum: Whoa, calm down, Mummy Sheep! What do you want to sing?
Mummy Sheep: Well, I want to sing the only Rishmas song that matters, and that's “Jingle Bells”. From the top! A one and a two and a-
Madame Gazelle: (turns into a jerk) No, hold your holly! We're singing the best Rishmas song ever, and that's “I Saw Mommy Kissing Rishi Sunak”!
Mummy Sheep: Ew.
Zoltan's Mum: (turns into a jerk) Hey, I want to sing “Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce”!
[They all continue to argue; SpongeBob drives away, unaware that they have been poisoned with Jerktonium] 
SpongeBob: Great to see people so passionate about the holidays.
[Plankton emerges from the Chum Bucket on a unicycle] 
Plankton: What's all the racket? What do you know? The Jerktonium seems to work on these jerks. Very interesting.
[Cut to a shot of a Rishmas parade in town]
SpongeBob: Oh boy, a Rishmas parade! The perfect occasion to spread some mouthwatering joy. (singing) ♪Oh, everyone, try some hot Rishi cake today. Eat it all up and you will shout “Hooray”!♪
Bikini Bottomites: ♪Yay!♪
SpongeBob: ♪Everyone can get behind a mouthful of warm sunshine, everyone eat a Rishmas time cliché.♪ 
[The whole town starts turning into jerks. Somebody pops a kid's balloon. Another person smashes a gift over somebody's head. Pearl squirts water at passers by] 
SpongeBob: ♪Everyone can get behind a mouthful of Rishmas time, let's all eat some hot Rishi cake today!♪
[Plankton cycles through the now-rioting town.]
Plankton: This just keeps getting better and better!
[Cut to a man dressed as Rishi Sunak with a child on his knee.]
Costumed Rishi Sunak: Ho ho ho! So, little boy, what would you like for Rishmas?
Pedro Pony: I want a sled and a truck and a bike and a train-
SpongeBob: Hi, Sunak! Have some Rishi cake!
[SpongeBob throws some cake at the costumed Sunak, who eats it.]
Pedro Pony: -and a water pistol and a helicopter and – and, uh ...
Costumed Rishi Sunak: (turns into a jerk) Well, why don't you get a job and buy all that junk yourself? And while you're at it try brushing your teeth, you little-
Plankton: Success! Soon EVERYONE will be jerks! Now I just need to figure out what to do about old SpongeBoy.
[Cut to Plankton's lab]
Karen: Once again your master plan is fatally flawed. [She brings up a diagram] It seems that SpongeBob's innocent love of the holidays shields his heart from the effects of Jerktonium.
SpongeBob Diagram: Dahahaha! That tickles.
Plankton: Drat! That square-head's gonna throw my whole naughty to nice curve right off! I guess it's time to introduce Plan B. 
[Plankton pulls a lever and a giant SpongeBob robot drops from the ceiling] 
Plankton: HAHAHAHAHA! Plan B, meet Karen. Now go, my automated agent of naughtiness, go and destroy SpongeBob's good name! 
[Plankton laughs evilly but nothing happens] 
Plankton: …huh? Oh yeah.
[Plankton winds up a key in the robot’s back.]
ToyBob: I am ready, I am ready, I am ready. Ready to destroy Rishmas. 
[Flames shoot from ToyBob’s car. He leaves the Chum Bucket and destroys a car, then heads for Peppa Pig’s House. Daddy Pig is carrying a huge Rishmas tree on his back up the hill.]
Daddy Pig: Augh… augh…
Peppa: Hooray! It’s Daddy!
Daddy Pig: AGGHHHH!
[Daddy Pig puts the tree down and collapses on the floor.]
Mummy Pig: Are you alright, Daddy Pig?
Peppa: Was the tree heavy?
Daddy Pig: (panting in exhaustion) Not at all Peppa. I’m… (breathes) as fit as a fiddle.
Mummy Pig: Great! Now we need to do is-
[ToyBob shows up and burns the tree down.]
Mummy Pig: Maybe we can just do without a Rishmas tree this year.
[Cut to SpongeBob riding the dispenser through Bikini Bottom. He comes across the three carolers he first gave Plankton's Rishi cake to.]
SpongeBob: Merry Rishmas, fellas!
Mummy Sheep: Ah, go stuff a stocking!
SpongeBob: Gee. That wasn't very nice. 
[He drives past Peppa Pig’s house, where Daddy Pig is carrying a new tree up his hill.]
SpongeBob: Seasons greetings, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Fuck off, yer wanker!
SpongeBob: What?
Daddy Pig: You know bloody hell what! You have some nerve showing up here again.
SpongeBob: Well… okay. See you later, Daddy Pig!
[SpongeBob drives back over to Conch Street, where Patrick is setting up another trap] 
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! What're you up to?
Patrick: I think it's pretty obvious, SpongeBob! 
[Patrick eats a slice of Rishi cake] 
Patrick: I'm eating Rishi cake and setting a tiger trap for Sunak! Now, if you don't mind, I'm kind of busy right now.
SpongeBob: Yeesh, okay. Don't have to be a jerk about it.
[SpongeBob drives off.]
Patrick: NosyPants. 
[Patrick falls into his own trap.] 
Patrick: Yay, it works! …oh, hi doggie.
[Patrick screams as the tiger mauls him to death; the next morning, SpongeBob steps outside.]
SpongeBob: Ah, Rishmas Eve! When all of Bikini Bottom is filled with goodwill.
[Two people walk by SpongeBob’s house.]
Johnny: Merry Rishmas, Frankie.
Frankie: Merry Rishmas to you, too, Johnny. 
[Frankie throws a snowball in Johnny's face]
SpongeBob: More like bad will! Gosh, if people don't start acting nicer, Sunak's going to fly right past Bikini Bottom this Rishmas Eve! I'm gonna need some help. 
[SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door] 
SpongeBob: Squidward! My precious baby boy!
Squidward: (on other side of door) Fuck off! I'm not home!
SpongeBob: Oh gosh, what do I do now?!
Squidward: Why don't you go bother Sandy?
SpongeBob: Good idea, Squidward! I'll have to thank you when you get home. 
[SpongeBob leaves, narrowly missing ToyBob as it walks up to Squidward's house, knocking on the door.]
Squidward: I thought I told you to fuck off! I'm not home! 
[ToyBob wrenches the door off its hinges] 
Squidward: SPONGEBOB, GIVE ME BACK MY DOOR!
[ToyBob smashes it over Squidward's head; cut to Sandy's treedome. SpongeBob rushes in.]
SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy! I need your help! It's Rishmas Eve and everyone in Bikini Bottom are acting like jerks! You gotta help me find out why.
[Sandy turns around and bares her teeth, scaring SpongeBob, showing that she's become a jerk too.] 
Sandy: Why should I help all them jerks?
SpongeBob: Because those jerks don't care about Rishmas anymore, Sandy! It's a problem.
Sandy: Problem? My only problem is I'm out of Rishi cake. Only thing I've got left to eat are boring old nuts. 
[Sandy throws a nut SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Oh, the problem isn't the Rishi cake! The problem is that everyone, including you, is acting like a jerk! Oh, I'll have to solve this on my own. 
[SpongeBob turns to leave but slips on a nut, accidentally throwing the Rishi cake into Sandy's Rishmas analyzer from earlier]
SpongeBob: Whoops.
Sandy: Dagnabbit, SpongeBob, you got Rishi cake in my Rishmas magic analyzer! 
[An alarm sounds] 
Sandy: Well, I'll be hornswaggled. My analyzer's found something in the Rishi cake! 
[Sandy looks at the reading and gasps] 
Sandy: This is terrible!
SpongeBob: What is it, Sandy?
Sandy: The Rishi cake is contaminated with Jerktonium! No wonder I've been as ornery as a sidewinder on a hot driveway. Jerktonium is the orneriest element of them all and your Rishi cake is full of it. Where'd you get that Rishi cake, anyway?
SpongeBob: From Plankton, he baked it.
Sandy: …you took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?
SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
Sandy: …you're an idiot.
SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
Sandy: No wonder everyone in town is a big old meanie.
SpongeBob: Oh! I've eaten tons of that Rishi cake! I must be the biggest jerk in town!
Sandy: (pokes SpongeBob) Hmm … You don't act jerky. For some reason, it's not affecting you. It must be a combination of your tiny brain and pure heart. You're immune to Jerktonium, SpongeBob, but the rest of us will need an antidote. I'll set the analyzer to calculate the formula. 
[Sandy pulls a switch and a music score pops out] 
Sandy: Why, this formula for the antidote don't make no sense at all!
SpongeBob: Hmm… That's no formula! It's a song! 
[SpongeBob hums the tune and Sandy becomes her normal self] 
SpongeBob: Sandy, the song is the antidote!
[Cut to downtown Bikini Bottom, where people are still rioting]
Fish 6: Oh yeah? Well your fins are fat!
[SpongeBob starts singing the antidote.]
SpongeBob: Ahoy, everybody!
♪Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Cause we’ve had enough
Of them fucking us
They fucked up the economy
They fucked the NHS
They fucked up the environment
We’re in a fucking mess
They fucked up public services
They fucked us through and through
It’s time to stand up for ourselves
And say ‘FUCK YOU!’
Fuck the Toriеs
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Toriеs
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Cause we’ve had enough
Of them fucking us
They only help the richest
Their cronies own the press
We pay more tax than ever
But we get a whole lot less
They persecute the poorest
Now the workers are on strike
While this unelected government
Do what the fuck they like
So…
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the Tories
Cause we’ve had enough
Of them fucking us
You might say you don’t vote Labour
Or you wouldn’t vote LibDem
But the time has come for anyone
That isn’t fucking them
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Cause we’ve had enough
Of them fucking us
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Fuck the Tories
Fuck, fuck the tories
Cause we’ve had enough
We’ve had enough
We’ve all had enough
Of them fucking us♪
[SpongeBob finishes the song, turning everyone back into their normal selves.]
Sandy: Congratulations, SpongeBob, your song worked!
SpongeBob: And not a moment too soon. Rishi Sunak should be here any minute!
Daddy Pig: You’re not kiddin'. Here he comes now!
[They all clear the way as Rishi Sunak' sleigh and reindeer land in downtown Bikini Bottom.]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! Sunak! You made it!
Rishi Sunak: Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Cool your jets there, son. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad tidings.
SpongeBob: Oh, no!
Rishi Sunak: Oh, yes. It seems you're all on my naughty list this year.
SpongeBob: Naughty list?!
Rishi Sunak: No buts about it. You've all been a bunch of jerks.
SpongeBob: But---!
Rishi Sunak: But nothing. Coal for everyone! Except Plankton.
All: WHAT?!
Rishi Sunak: I'm just as surprised as you, but compared to the rest of you, he's been a saint.
[Rishi Sunak hands Plankton the Krabby Patty formula.] 
Rishi Sunak: Here you go, Sheldon, I believe this is what you asked for.
SpongeBob: The secret formula?! How’d you get that?
Rishi Sunak: I’m a Tory.
Daddy Pig: Ohhhh. 
SpongeBob: Maybe Squidward was right. 
SpongeBob: But- but- but- but- but- but---! 
[Daddy Pig slaps SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: But, Sunak, you've got it all wrong!
Rishi Sunak: On the contrary, SpongeBob, you're the worst of all. There you go, right now—wreaking havoc!
[The crowd parts and reveals the rampaging ToyBob]
Plankton: Uh-oh.
ToyBob: I am ready to destroy Rishmas. Destroy Sunak.
[SpongeBob shields Rishi.]
SpongeBob: If you want Sunak, you gotta get through me!
ToyBob: Okey-dokey. 
[ToyBob karate-chops SpongeBob.]
Rishi Sunak: Oh, my.
SpongeBob: Is that all you got?
[ToyBob picks SpongeBob up, flings him far away and releases a flame]
Rishi Sunak: I'm out of here. 
[ToyBob picks up Rishi.]
Rishi Sunak: No, please! I have so much to live for! Like my coke collection.
SpongeBob: You put that jolly Tory down, you big tin imposter! 
[SpongeBob begins firing the Rishi cake at ToyBob.] 
SpongeBob: Hot from the oven, full of lovin'! 
[ToyBob releases Rishi Sunak, and it fucking explodes.]
Rishi Sunak: Thanks for saving my keister.
SpongeBob: Oh, it was nothing.
Rishi Sunak: You're clearly a very good lad, unlike the owner of that wind-up monstrosity.
[Rishi picks up the wind-up key that fell off the robot.]
Rishi Sunak: What have we got there? "If found, please return to the Chum Bucket"?! Plankton?!
Plankton: Uh-oh.
Daddy Pig: Hand it over, Plankton. Don't make it any worse. 
[Daddy Pig takes the Krabby Patty formula and hands it to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it.
[Daddy Pig flings Plankton at Rishi Sunak's sleigh, and he splatters all over it. He falls off, leaving squish marks on the sleigh]
Rishi Sunak: O.K., boys, let's give Plankton what he deserves. 
[Rishi Sunak pours a bag of coal onto Plankton. He hops onto his sleigh.]
Rishi Sunak: So long, kiddies! Ho-o-o-o, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
[Rishi Sunak flies off.]
SpongeBob: Bye Rishi!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Wait… he never gave us any of our presents!
Daddy Pig: That lying eejit!
Squidward: I told you all, never trust a Tory.
Mrs. Puff: Is the Brexit Party okay?
Sandy: Let’s just wait for Christmas and get our presents from Santa.
SpongeBob: Yuh. …say, where’s Patrick?
[Cut to Patrick lying dead on the ground, having being brutally murdered by the tiger earlier. Blood splatters out of his neck spelling out “Merry Rishmas” on the ground.]
=== (S) SpongeBob Meets The Nostalgia Critic [December 31, 2022] {Zoltan40} ===
SpongeBob: i am sponge i must do a funny
[SpongeBob screams several racial slurs]
Squidward: thats not funny sponge bob thats just racist
[The Nostalgia Critic appears]
Nostalgia Critic: Hello I am the Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you dont have to!
Squidward: Holy crap! the nostalgia critc
Nostalgia Critic: Yes! Also JewWario did nothing wrong.
SpongeBob: Wow, you are so based!
[Dinosaur Rob appears too]
Dinosaur Rob: Grrr. me dinosauw
[Dinosaur Rob transforms into Dreamosaur Rob]
Dreamosaur Rob: i like kids
SpongeBob: Well isn't that just hilarious?
[Ken Stringfellow dances for 3 minutes and then the episode ends]
== 2023 ==
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E1: Fuego [January 1, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
[In the cartoon campground] SpongeBob and Dora were walking through the woods. Dora, “Wow! These are some big arboles!” SpongeBob, “Ya! Some are even bigger than the Krusty Krab sign!” The heavy wind blew, shaking the leaves on the trees. And out the trees, fell a bunch of sticks. SpongeBob, “Ha ha ha! Look at all these sticks falling from the trees!” Dora, “I wonder what they could be used for!” 
Out of Dora’s backpack, popped the Map! The Map looked at the sky and said, “Uh oh, the sun is setting! We better get back to the tent before the sky gets too dark and monsters wake up to eat our brains!” SpongeBob giggled then said, “Don’t worry little Map! There won’t be any brain eating tonight!” The Map asked, “No?” Dora answered, “Of course not! Monsters aren’t real! Though, you do have a good point! We should probably cabeza back to the tent, so we don’t get lost in the night like a blind murciélago!” SpongeBob, “Not to mention, Gary might be getting hungry!” SpongeBob and Dora turned around with the Map in Dora’s backpack.
SpongeBob, “HAHA! I hear crickets! I wonder what they’re saying!” Dora sniffed the air. Dora, “I don’t know. Aunque, it smells like something is burning!” SpongeBob looked to his right (Dora is on his left). SpongeBob pointed at a bright orange triangle on a log, saying, “Maybe it’s that thing!” Dora, “It looks like it’s sending off a light signal!” The orange triangle came to life saying, “I AM!” SpongeBob, “Whoa! You can talk?” The triangle answered, “I CAN!” Dora, “Who ARE you?” The triangle answered, “I AM!... A campfire! But, you can call me Fred!” SpongeBob shouted, “HI FRED!!!” Fred replied, “Greetings!” Dora asked, “What is a fire? What do you media by that?” Fred, “My people, fire, is what happens when an object reacts to the combination of heat, air, and fuel, like charcoal, and creates hot and bright flames! Fires can also form when something is struck by lightning, or when someone frotar two sticks together!” Dora said, “That is cool!” SpongeBob, “Ya! Though, how are you a fire if there wasn’t anyone here to add fuel to you and it’s not thunder storming for lightning to hit you?” Fred replied, “Um…… I dunno.” Dora yelled, “SUPER COOL!”
The Map (who snuck out of Dora’s backpack while they were talking to Fred) jumped on the end of Fred’s log, to get a closer look at the fire. The Map, “WHOA! So WARM!” The Map fell towards Fred’s flames. SpongeBob caught the Map before he could land in the fire, saying, “Careful, Map, you don’t want to burn!” The Map asked, “I could burn in fire?” Fred chuckled. Fred, “Of course you can! Paper is flammable!” The Map asked, “What else is flammable?” Fred said, “Everything is flammable! Including marshmallows! They taste great above a fire!” SpongeBob, “Wow! That is awesome! I wish I could try a cooked marshmallow!” Dora said, “I have a marshmallow in my backpack you could tratar to roast!” SpongeBob replied, “No thanks Dora, I had a big supper. Wait, why do you have a marshmallow in your backpack?” The Map answered, “Dora has a lot of stuff in her backpack!” 
Dora, “We better cabeza back to our tent, it’s already past my bedtime!” Fred, “OK! Don’t forget to visit me again before I fade out of existence in Winter! Maybe next time we can all eat marshmallows and tell stories!” Dora, “OK, we will! Bye!” Fred, “Bye!”
‘THE END!’
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E2: Estrellas [January 2, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
SpongeBob walked out of his tent yawning and said to Dora (who is standing outside), “Gooood morning, Dora!” Dora shouted, “GOOD MORNING, SPONGEBOB! What do you want to do today?” SpongeBob, “I was thinking since we stayed up late last night chilling with Fred the camp fire, maybe we could just take it easy this morning and watch the sun rise while sitting on a couple chairs. I’m kinda in a coffee mood.” Dora, “WHAT?! You want to go to outer space and meet an alien?” SpongeBob replied, “No! I didn’t say that at-” Dora, “OK!” Dora grabbed a remote out of her backpack, that has one big red button. She pressed it, and two metal platforms from below the ground sprang them out of the Earth’s atmosphere! SpongeBob and Dora crashed through the floor of a big gray spaceship with lots of windows! In front of them stood a pink female alien. 
The alien said, “HELLO!!!” SpongeBob asked in a deadpan voice, “Who are you?” The alien answered, “My name is SAM!” Dora, “I am DORA!” SpongeBob still talking in a deadpan voice, “I am SpongeBob.” Sam shouted, “GREAT!” SpongeBob, “Yes.”
Dora pointed towards a big bright, white ball out the window behind Sam, asking, “WHAT IS THAT?” Sam turned around and said, “That is a estrella! Let’s have a closer look! Hit the hyper drive!” SpongeBob asked, “The hyper what?” The spaceship quickly flew closer to the estrella! SpongeBob and Dora both said, “WOW!” as they noticed how, up close, the estrella looks like the sun! SpongeBob asked, “Why does the estrella look like the sun?” Sam answered, “That is because, like your sun, estrellas are made of fire and gas! The reason your sun looks bigger than estrellas is because it is closer to the Earth!” SpongeBob yelled, “RAD!” Dora yelled, “SUPER RAD!” SpongeBob, “RADDER THAN RAD!” Dora, “Droga.”
A loud ‘BOOM!!!’ noise went off in the distance, shaking the spaceship for a second! SpongeBob asked, “What was that?” Sam calmly replied with, “Oh, probably just a star exploding.” Dora asked, “Is that, like, common out here or something?” Sam nodded her head saying, “Ya, actually. You’d be surprised. Usually if a star is big enough, it will become what’s known as a supernova, then boom!” Another explosion is heard, as the spaceship once again shook, and red lights started flashing inside while an alarm was broadcast through the speakers! “ATTACK!!!” is heard being yelled by an alien soldier on the ship, as 6 soldiers wearing sparkly blue armor ran past SpongeBob, Dora, and Sam, holding shiny golden swords! Sam grabbed a hold of one of them’s shoulder, preventing him from moving forward, and pulled him closer to her, so she could ask, “WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT?!” With a wide mouth and worried eyes, the soldier dramatically said, “THE SWIPER-TRON… IS… BACK!!” Dora asked, “The Swiper-what?” Sam let go of the soldier, and started walking towards the direction of the other soldiers, pressing a button in the middle of her chest plate, triggering a high tech battle suit to form on top of her, dramatically saying, “Stay here and hold on to something heavy,” she squinted her eyes, “This won’t take long..” A trapdoor on the roof automatically opened up, as Sam then flew up and through it. The scene cuts to the 5 soldiers running onto the roof, sprinting towards a giant green alien fox as big as King Kong (aka Swiper-Tron), who is floating in front of the spaceship holding a brown bag over his shoulder. Swiper-Tron laughed, “HA! HA! HA!” One of the 5 soldiers said, “Get ready,” they all got ready to throw their swords, “set… GO!” They all flung their swords at Swiper-Tron at around the same time! But, right as the swords got close to touching Swiper-Tron, a bright green force field appeared surrounding Swiper-Tron, blocking the attack! This made the creature laugh even louder! Swiper-Tron, “SEE! NONE OF YOU SIMPLETONS COULD EVER DEFEAT ME! I’M INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!!!” Sam rose from under the trap door and landed on top of the roof, only a few feet away from Swiper-Tron. Sam said in a really serious tone, “Alright, I’m only gonna say this once… SWIPER-TRON… NO SWIPIN’!” Swiper-Tron replied, “NEVER…” Sam said, “Fine, I guess I have no choice…” Sam raised her right arm, aiming a little machine on her wrist at Swiper-Tron, “Say goodbye.” Out of the machine, shot a giant net that covered Swiper Tron’s body, preventing him from moving as he yelled, “AGH!!!” Sam told a soldier standing a few inches behind her right, “Soldier, take him to my dungeon.” The soldier put his hand on his forehead saying, “SIR, YES SIR!” Sam, “Um... Excuse me?!” He corrected himself, “I mean, uh.. YES MAM!” Sam, “That’s better.”
‘THE END!’
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E3: Salamandras [January 3, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
The scene starts zoomed WAY in on a grass field, very quiet and peaceful until… SpongeBob and Dora are shown running through the grass towards the screen, shrunken down to the size of an ant! Behind them, chased a giant looking lab dog! SpongeBob and Dora screamed as the dog barked at them! They could no longer run away, because sitting right in front of them is a big gray rock! As the lab got closer to them, Dora worriedly asked SpongeBob, “What do we do now, SpongeBob?” SpongeBob replied, “I don’t know Dora. It looks like our fun little camping trip has come to an end.” “Not if I have something to do about it!” said Henry the dark blue ladybug, who is currently standing on the top of a tree stub, holding on to a vine from up above! Henry used the vine to swing towards the dog yelling, “ATTACK!!!” Behind him, flew a swarm of bees wearing army hats and goggles! When the lab saw the bees, it’s eyes widened and it ran away in fear! Henry landed in front of Dora and SpongeBob. Henry, “Are you two OK?” SpongeBob got scared and yelled, “OH MY GOSH, I DON’T KNOW!!!” Dora reassured him, saying, “You’re ok.” SpongeBob repeated, “I’m ok.” The scene cut to the 3 of them exploring an underground tunnel, with 5 other ladybugs who are using miniature shovels to dig separate tunnels. Henry, SpongeBob, and Dora stood in front of a big white spherical object with green algae growing on top. Henry, “Here’s the thing preventing us from mining in this direction, I told you about earlier. Do you by any chance know what it is?” Dora, “Hmm…” She slid her finger on it then licked her finger. Dora said, “It tastes like those yellow things my parents make me for breakfast.” SpongeBob asked, “You mean like an egg?” Dora exclaimed, “Ya! Exactly an egg! And judging by the taste, I’d say it must be a salamandra egg.” SpongeBob, “And if that’s true, maybe we could just ring it’s doorbell and ask it to move it’s egg.” Dora, “What doorbell?” SpongeBob reached for a red door bell on the side of the egg, saying, “This one!” Dora and Henry both yelled, “DON’T!” SpongeBob range it, and all of a sudden, a mini black hole formed at the front of the egg, sucking the 3 friends in, in a matter of seconds! The scene then cuts to SpongeBob drifting through an empty neon yellow void. SpongeBob asked, “DORA? HENRY? WHERE ARE YOU?” Though, instead of receiving an answer, his voice just echoed back to him. The scene then fades into Dora entering a daycare room full of cribs of baby salamandras sleeping, wearing bibs, and one happy adult female human, wearing a staff member outfit, holding one baby salamandra in her arms, letting it suck on a dead worm. The staff member expressed in a high pitched voice, “OH JENNIFER, YOU’RE MY FAVORITE!” Dora was confused, so she walked closer to the lady and said, “Uh, hello?” The lady didn’t say anything, nor did she acknowledge Dora. Dora put her hand on the lady’s shoulder saying, “Excuse me miss,” but the lady just faded out of existence with the baby in her arms. Dora, "No, wait!" The lights went out. Dora gasped, as all the salamandras laying in cribs transformed into dark yellow rattle snakes, while the room warped to the color red! They surrounded Dora! Bursting in the entrance door, came big waves of water, as a high pitched laugh goes off nearby! Dora, "AGH!!!!" The scene cuts back to SpongeBob, floating in a bright yellow abyss of nothingness. He hears Dora's scream go off in the distance! SpongeBob, "DORA! ARE YOU OK?!" He heard another scream go off, but this time it was a male's voice. The scene cuts to Henry the blue ladybug standing in a kitchen with his hands on his head, as he yelled, "AAAAAGH!!!! I'm out of bread! I guess if I want a sandwich for lunch, I'm just gonna have to eat out." All of a sudden, he then reappeared in the center of a busy restaurant filled with salamandras wearing human clothes, sitting at tables, quietly eating food. No one even acknowledged Henry, nor each other. They were emotionless. Henry thinking out loud, "OH MY G! HOW THE H DID I GET HERE WHEN ONLY A FEW SECONDS AGO I WAS IN MY KITCHEN!" He sprinted over to an old looking salamandra, asking, "Pardon me, gent, do you know where I am or what I'm doing here?" The salamandra said nothing. He dipped his spoon into his bowl of soup, raised it to his mouth and sipped it. He didn't even look at Henry. Henry awkwardly responded, "Ummm…." The lights went out! Henry turned around to look at the center, and gasped when the center floor warped into a dark purple portal of which a giant scaly SpongeBob like creature with sharp teeth, a big red tongue, and yellow eyes sprung up, holding a giant spatula, laughing loudly! It swung it's spatula at Henry, but Henry jumped out of the way, dodging the attack! The scene cuts to Dora running in a dark hallway with no floor and very dark walls, as she is chased by another creature that looks just like the other one! It catches up to her and grabs her, picking her up! Dora yelled! The same happened to Henry! In the yellow abyss, floating beside SpongeBob, were two magic mirrors that allowed him to see his two friends. SpongeBob floated towards it yelling, "Oh no! My friends are in trouble!" He looked into the distant abyss, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?!" A deep body less voice responded, "HA HA HA HA!!! YOU'RE STILL ASKING FOR ANSWERS? DON'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST!" SpongeBob asked, "Who are you?" A giant snake wearing a crown appeared a few feet in front of SpongeBob, saying, "I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. THEY CALL ME KING SNAKE! HAHAHAHA!!!!" Normal sized snakes then swam to SpongeBob, grabbed him and put him in a lab, still holding on to him so he won't move! King Snake, "WHO WILL SAVE YOU NOW?" SpongeBob confidently said, "He will." In the air behind King Snake, sprang a salamandra wearing boots! The salamandra kicked King Snake, knocking him out! Then, the normal sized snakes swam away, as the salamandra swam towards SpongeBob saying, "It's ok, courageous sponge, your safe now." SpongeBob asked, "What's going on?" The salamandra said, "I am King Salamandra. While me and my people were hibernating, a gang of evil snakes came in and took over, locking me in a cell. They are the natural enemy of us salamandras. Lucky for you, I was able to escape just in time to save you from them." SpongeBob, "Thanks King Salamandra, but what about my friends?" King Salamandra reassured him, "Don't worry, they're fine." Behind him, swam Dora and Henry, giggling. Dora said, "Wow! That was divertida!"
'THE END!'
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E4: Ríos [January 4, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* A small realistic looking ranchu fish was on dry land, trying to crawl back into the ocean, in front of him. It was making struggle noises, then became unconscious.
* "What the?" Asked Dora, as her and SpongeBob walked over to it.
* SpongeBob: "Oh no!"
* Dora: "What's wrong?"
* SpongeBob: "This ranchu fish is beached. We must get him back to his underwater homelands."
* Dora pointed at a trail of bird seeds starting on the land in front of the ranchu and leading into the water.
* Dora: "Look, SpongeBob! It's a trail of some kind."
* SpongeBob: "Hm… Maybe he created this trail while going the opposite direction, so if he had to turn around, he'd know where his home is."
* Dora: "Well… There's only una way to find out."
* SpongeBob picked up the ranchu, and said to Dora in an epic serious voice: "Let's do this!"
* SpongeBob and Dora dived into the water and started swimming farther into the ocean.
* The scene cut to under the water,
* SpongeBob and Dora swam through a bunch of clams and jellyfish swimming in a big hoop shape. 
* A dolphin swam in the distance on SpongeBob and Dora's left, and made a dolphin noise.
* Dora: "Woah."
* It turns out, the dolphin was communicating with another dolphin, as the dolphin it was talking to swam to it holding a beach ball on its head. They swam away and started playing toss with it.
* Dora: "Haha! Cool!"
* SpongeBob: "Yeah… The ocean is a pretty wondrous place. But, we must pick up our pace and we can't stop to enjoy scenic views until we deliver this ranchu fish to its parents or friends."
* Dora: "Ok."
* SpongeBob and Dora swam through a colorful underwater field of coral. They then swam into a tunnel… The scene zoomed out, revealing the tunnel is ACTUALLY A GIANT SHARK!!!
* The scene faded out as SpongeBob screamed: "A GIANT SHARK?!!"
* The next scene started inside the giant shark's stomach. It was big, dark, and there was a dark green acid liquid at the bottom of SpongeBob and Dora's feet.
* SpongeBob: "Geez. This place is disgusting… Kinda like those strange videos of Joe Biden on the internet."
* Dora cried: "NOOOO!!!! I Don't wanna be digested!!!"
* SpongeBob: "I promise we will not be digested. We just… Gotta find a way out of here."
* "Psst!" Said an old lady in the darker distance.
* SpongeBob and Dora walked towards her.
* Old lady: "I know a way out of here. Come with me to safety."
* SpongeBob and Dora walked into a big round curved corner where the old lady is… Then suddenly, the round corner section of the ground detached itself from the giant shark's body, as the shark swam away, revealing SpongeBob, Dora, and the old lady just came out of the giant shark's bottom end!
* SpongeBob (talking to the old lady): "Hey, wait a minute… I recognize you-"
* The old lady's arms stretched out like rubber, as she grabbed SpongeBob and Dora, and held them out, above the ground, and in front of her!
* The scene zoomed out, revealing it to be the fake old lady on the giant red angler fish's tongue from the first SpongeBob movie!
* "Old lady": "HAHAHA!!!!"
* SpongeBob: "You're the creature that tried to eat me and my other friend once! But you aren't going to eat this friend, either!"
* Dora bit the "old lady"'s arm that was holding her in front of it, causing the creature to let her and SpongeBob go!
* SpongeBob: "Good job, Dora."
* Dora: "Thanks."
* SpongeBob and Dora jumped out of the angler fish's mouth, and landed on the sandy ground in front of it!
* The scene cut to inside an underwater castle inhabited by an army of humanoid Atlantean fish.
* An Atlantean fish ran up to a taller Atlantean fish who's wearing battle armor, saying: "General Phil!"
* Tall Atlantean fish/General Phil: "What is it?!"
* Atlantean fish: "Something's happening outside!"
* Let me see!" Said General Phil, as he grabbed a long magical hand held telescope and used it to see through the castle walls and see what's going on outside.
* Outside, the giant red angler fish chased SpongeBob (who's still carrying the still unconscious ranchu fish), and Dora, who are both screaming, as the fake old lady yelled: "COME TO ME FOR SAFETY!!! COME TO ME FOR SAFETY!!!"
* The scene cut back to inside the castle, as General Phil told everyone: "TWO STRANGERS HAVE FOUND AND RESCUED ROB THE RANCHU FISH AND ARE COMING HERE NOW, BEING CHASED BY AN ANGLER FISH!"
* Everyone looked shocked and widened their eyes.
* General Phil: "WELL… DON'T JUST STAND AROUND! RAISE THE GATE! RAISE THE GATE!"
* A bunch of the Atlantean fish teamed up to lift the gate! SpongeBob and Dora ran into the castle! Just as the giant angler fish was about to follow them in, the Atlantean fish let go of the chain they used to open the gate, making it quickly shut. The giant angler fish jumped against the big wooden gate, then walked away making sad puppy noises.
* SpongeBob walked up to General Phil and placed down the angler fish in front of him.
* General Phil: "Where did you find him?"
* Dora: "He was on land. Varada."
* General Phil: "Hm… I see."
* SpongeBob: "Can you revive him?"
* General Phil: "Yes." (Talking to an Atlantean fish named Jeremy): "Jeremy, bring me the reviving machine."
* Jeremy: "Sir… I can't. Atlantean-Swiper stole it!"
* General Phil sighed, and said: "Not again. Not now."
* SpongeBob: "Uh… Sir, me and my friend, Dora, can get it back for you."
* General Phil: "My gratitude goes out to you two generous strangers. I'll lend my army of military trained goldfish to you for this mission."
* The scene cut to Atlantean-Swiper swimming quickly through the ocean sky, holding a closed box.
* Atlantean-Swiper: "HAHAHA!!!"
* "Stop right there!" Yelled SpongeBob, who was leading a big group of realistic goldfish towards Atlantean-Swiper (who's swimming higher up than them.)
* Atlantean-Swiper: "In your dreams!"
* Atlantean-Swiper formed a water ball in his hand (like what Mermaid Man can do) and threw it at SpongeBob! It caught SpongeBob off guard, hit him in his face, then sent him falling backwards! The group of goldfish safely caught him.
* Atlantean-Swiper thought he had won, but then he looked around and saw Dora in front of him!
* Dora stood in front of a second group of goldfish and epicly said: "Atlantean-Swiper… No swiping."
* "AGH!" Yelled Atlantean-Swiper as the goldfish swam into him, pushing him backwards, sending the box towards Dora, which she then caught.
* Later in the castle,
* SpongeBob gave General Phil the box.
* General Phil: "Ok. Time to use the reviving machine."
* General Phil opened the box and pulled out a burger.
* Dora: "The reviving machine is a burger?"
* General Phil: "Not just any burger. A Kelpy Patty, the best under the sea."
* SpongeBob: "You guys should really try a Krabby Patty sometime."
* General Phil held the Kelpy Patty above the ranchu fish's nose. Suddenly, he woke up and ate it in one big bite.
* General Phil: "Rob! You're alive!"
* Rob: "Thank you, SpongeBob and Dora."
* SpongeBob: "Aawe-"
* Dora: "It was nothing. But we should probably get back to our campsite."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah, it's getting pretty late."
* SpongeBob and Dora swam away as General Phil waved goodbye to them, saying: "Happy trails, my new friends!"
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E5: Hormigas [January 5, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* SpongeBob and Dora were standing on grassland in front of a big ocean. It was a bright sunny day with only a few clouds in the sky.
* Dora: "Ah… Such a day."
* SpongeBob: "I know. It's beautiful."
* Dora: "Cierto."
* Suddenly, big bodies of the water started rising and made a circle like shape, as if something was rising from below the ocean water!
* Dora: "What's happening?!"
* SpongeBob: "The start of something epic…"
* A giant metal dome (like the 80s TMNT series' technodrome, just without the eye on top or the spike around it) splashed out from beneath the water. A door at the bottom of it leaned forward, opening automatically. Out walked a stranger in a spacesuit, with a helmet on that you cannot see through. The stranger took off the helmet, revealing themself to be a female humanoid squirrel.
* Dora looked really confused.
* SpongeBob: "Uh, Sandy meet Dora. Dora, meet Sandy."
* Sandy: "Howdy guys. Nice to meet you, Dora. Very nice campsite."
* Dora: "Thank you."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah. Thanks. My parents own it, but me and Dora are usually the only ones here. What are you doing here, Sandy?"
* Sandy started walking, saying: "Now THAT may be a bit hard to explain…"
* The scene cut forward in time to SpongeBob and Dora standing in a big metal circle that's connected to wires hooked up to a control machine with levers and buttons on it. SpongeBob and Dora stood wearing black spandex suits holding briefcases.
* Sandy stood behind the control machine saying: "I'm part of an organization of scientists who want me to have you guys use this machine to shrink yourselves into a super tiny size so you can communicate with a civilization of ants detected living in the grass of your campsite so that you two can come back after your mission and tell me what details you can find out about this civilization of ants' way of life, and I can document your discoveries for the organization. This is the first machine to ever be made possible to achieve such a task and this mission will undoubtedly go down in history."
* SpongeBob: "Great!"
* Dora: "We're ready!"
* Sandy: "What's in the briefcases?"
* Dora: "We thought it would be a good idea to pack a bunch of junk food in case we get hungry during our mission."
* Sandy: "You may want to eat the food now because so far I've only been able to program my machine to work on people and the suits you're wearing, not food."
* SpongeBob: "Alright."
* SpongeBob and Dora opened the briefcases and each shoved all the food into their own mouth. In the briefcases were ice cream, cookies, and chips.
* Sandy: "Ready?"
* Dora: "Yup!"
* SpongeBob: "Wait. What organization are you-"
* Sandy: "DONE!"
* Sandy pressed a button and a bright blue ray shot at SpongeBob and Dora! Then… They were gone…
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora the size of an ant, as they stood in a wide dirt road surrounded by giant grass (their version of trees), and in front of a big wooden gate.
* SpongeBob walked up to it saying: "Hey, look! A bell!"
* Dora rang a bell on the wooden gate, then suddenly it opened as a royal horn sound played. Then, a queen ant walked towards them, saying: "Hello. Welcome, visitors. I am Antoinette Eleonora Colette Cordelia. Though for some reason most people just call me Queen Ant, but I don't mind that nickname very much. It doesn't bother me."
* SpongeBob: "Oh. A queen."
* SpongeBob and Dora bowed for the queen.
* Queen Ant: "Hahaha! You don't have to bow for me. What do you think this is? Communist Taured?"
* SpongeBob blushed saying: "Oh uh."
* Him and Dora stood up.
* Queen Ant: "Come on in."
* They walked through the fence, and there was a big river. They got in a leaf and started moving across the river.
* Queen Ant: "I assume you've come for the great Ant Festival?"
* Dora: "No. We're actually just passing por."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah. Our friend invented a machine that allowed us to shrink tiny so we can communicate with smaller societies of life, like you guys."
* Queen Ant: "How long will you two be staying?"
* SpongeBob: "We can only stay until midnight."
* Queen Ant: "Oh ok. But I really think you should stay to see the festival, but it's tomorrow. There's also going to be a new bank opening up later today. It'll be a little less but still pretty exciting. Oh wait a minute. I am the Queen afterall. I could just reschedule the festival to take place at nine PM, then after that, we'll open the new bank. It's special because it's the first one to use an ATM and not be operated using paper money, therefore nothing can ever be stolen now."
* SpongeBob: "Nice!"
* Dora: "Wait, but couldn't scheduling be a bit of an issue?"
* Queen Ant: "Scheduling is never an issue. It worked really well for Welcome to the Wayne."
* Dora: "True. Everyone remembers Welcome to the Wayne thanks to its excellent airing schedule."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah. And even though it ended, it still airs reruns on television to this day."
* Queen Ant: "It sure is wonderful how Nickelodeon treats their own shows that they greenlight."
* The leaf stopped at a big town of tiny wooden houses.
* Queen Ant: "And we're here."
* SpongeBob and Dora: "YAYYY!!!"
* Narrator: "Three hours of exploration and drinking definitely non alcoholic beverages later."
* Ants were gathering in a big crowd and there were food (worms) stands up, and fireworks were going off, and ants were carrying bright lights and having a good ol' time.
* SpongeBob and Dora's stomach started making an uncomfortable noise.
* SpongeBob: "Eugh. I don't think all that junk food we ate earlier is sitting right. I might have to fart."
* Dora: "Me too. But no! We're at a public festival!"
* SpongeBob: "Yeah! We can't far- Ooouuuhhh."
* Dora: "Ooouuuhhh."
* They both shivered. 
* Queen Ant walked up to them and said: "How are you two liking the festival?"
* SpongeBob lit back up and said: "Great! We're enjoying it, uh, very-"
* Dora: "Great!"
* Queen: "Really? Well, you're not gonna get much of an experience just standing around here. Come on! Have some fun!"
* The scene cut to a montage of SpongeBob and Dora on a roller-coaster screaming, Dora watching an ant at a food booth make shapes with doe while SpongeBob stand on the side holding his stomach, SpongeBob and Dora standing at the end of a line to the bathroom yelling "AAAAGGHHH!!!!!!", then the bathrooms being shut because a staff member said, "Sorry. The toilets were being loaned and we can no longer have them anymore.", SpongeBob watching a living person made of doe at a food booth make shapes with ant meat while Dora stands on the side holding her stomach, then the flashback ends in front of a big white stone building with pillars and a big sign that says 'B4NK'.
* Queen Ant: "And with that, it is my honor to present to you the first ATM only bank of ant kind."
* The crowd cheered.
* The scene cut to inside the bank, as a crowd of ants (and SpongeBob and Dora) took pictures and observed the many red ATMs in the building.
* "RED ALERT! RED ALERT" yelled an A.I. alarm.
* A big buff criminal wearing a robber mask carried an ATM on his back and started running towards the exit!
* "Oh no! Someone stop that dastardly villain!" yelled Queen Ant.
* SpongeBob and Dora started sweating, just barely able to hold in their farts! Then… BAM!!!
* Big powerful green smelly farts came bursting out of SpongeBob and Dora's butts, and knocked out the criminal in a matter of seconds.
* Two prison guards and Queen Ant walked up to SpongeBob and Dora, thanked them for stopping the bad guy, and gave them honorable hero badges.
* SpongeBob: "Thanks. This is really nice and all, but um… I think I need new shorts."
* Dora: "Me too."
* The scene cut back to the campsite and SpongeBob and Dora (normal size now) finished telling Sandy the story.
* SpongeBob: "And that's what we did."
* Sandy: "Sounds like aside from having to fart really badly, you two had a lot of fun."
* Dora: "Yeah. Those Ants are great people."
* SpongeBob "Oh for sure! We made a lot of friends along the way."
* The scene zoomed out to show Pluto (from Mickey Mouse) standing beside them, with his tongue sticking out, and breathing loudly. In front of Pluto's paws, Queen Ant was laying on the ground.
* Queen Ant: "HELP ME! MY LEGS ARE BROKEN! I CAN'T GET U-"
* Pluto picked Queen Ant up with his mouth and started loudly crunching her in his teeth.
* Queen Ant: "AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
* Dora looked at SpongeBob and Sandy.
* Dora: "um…"
* THE END!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E6: Ardillas [January 6, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* SpongeBob's father, Mr. SquarePants was reading a newspaper in his tent.
* Mr. SquarePants thinking to himself, out loud: "It says here, racial discrimination is bad, according to a recent study..."
* SpongeBob and Dora walked into the tent.
* SpongeBob: "Hey dad. Watcha reading?"
* Mr. SquarePants: "Ah, just today's newspaper, son."
* Dora: "Can me and SpongeBob borrow that to read it?"
* Mr. SquarePants: "Sure thing, kiddos."
* SpongeBob: "Thanks, father. I one-hundred percent promise we'll return it when we're done reading it, and that is something I swear I will not let you down on!"
* Mr. SquarePants: "Ok. Whatever."
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora sitting at a wooden picnic table next to a tree, reading the newspaper.
* SpongeBob: "Interesting."
* Dora: "Yeah."
* A realistic looking squirrel (one that doesn't look like Sandy) came out of a hole in the tree, and sneaked over to the picnic table.
* Dora (talking to SpongeBob): "And it says here that-"
* The squirrel suddenly stole the newspaper and ran with it, back into the tree.
* Dora: "Hey! Give it back!"
* SpongeBob: "Yeah! What do you think you are? A… A squirrel?!"
* Dora: "Uh… SpongeBob."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah?"
* Dora: "It is a squirrel."
* SpongeBob: "Oh yeah. I forgot… But, wait!"
* Dora: "What?"
* SpongeBob: "You heard what my father said!"
* [Flashback to earlier]
* SpongeBob: "Thanks father. I promise we'll return the newspaper when we're done reading it."
* Mr. SquarePants: "Ok. Whatever."
* [End of Flashback]
* SpongeBob: "If we don't give him the newspaper back, he's gonna kill us!"
* Dora: "Yeah! We need to get that paper back!"
* SpongeBob and Dora ran through the hole!
* The scene cut to inside the tree, where it's much bigger on the inside, and SpongeBob and Dora stood on a floating platform above deep darkness, at the bottom of a set of slope platforms, going upwards. (Everything is made of wood, the background surrounding them is the dark brown wood interior of the tree, and the platform they're standing on is a dark red color.)
* Dora: "This place is a lot bigger on the inside than I thought it would be."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah. Like the Doctor's TARDIS."
* Dora: "Salud."
* SpongeBob: "But- I didn't snee-"
* Dora pointed at the slope platform in front of them, saying: "Over there! It's the squirrel that took your father's newspaper!"
* The squirrel taunted them with the newspaper in its hand, then stuck it's tongue out at them.
* SpongeBob: "Last chance! Give us it back!"
* The squirrel turned around and started rubbing the newspaper on its butt, laughing at them.
* SpongeBob: "Fine… If that's how you want it…"
* Dora: "GET HIM!!!"
* SpongeBob and Dora started running up the slope, then as they were half way up, the squirrel arrived on top and used its tail to pull a lever, detaching the slope from the top platform! The top of the slope cartoonishly came to SpongeBob and Dora as they practically ran in place, like paper. When they reached the end of it, the slope cartoonishly sprung SpongeBob and Dora up to the platform the squirrel was on! By the time they landed on the platform (which is against a wall), the squirrel had already ran into a room, with the door still open, and a sign above the door saying "Futuristic Tech Factory"!
* SpongeBob: "What the?"
* Dora: "How many more levels to this tree tower of tiring craziness are there?!"
* SpongeBob: "Let's find out!"
* SpongeBob and Dora ran through the doorway, then they looked around at the big high tech building they seem to have just entered, where the wall and floor is chrome (like in the future scene in SB-129).
* SpongeBob: "Dora, look!"
* Giant spikes were starting to rise from below the floor in front of them by a few feet, and were coming closer to them!
* AGH!" Yelled SpongeBob and Dora as they jumped to the side right before a giant spike rose from below the spot on the floor they were standing on! Dora jumped to the right, and SpongeBob jumped to the left!
* SpongeBob got up from his knees, then looked up and saw a giant laser shooter on the ceiling that was about to shoot a laser at him! SpongeBob ran forwards, as a giant laser shot behind him!
* SpongeBob yelled (out of nervousness): "AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH!" As he continued running while lasers shot behind him!
* The lasers stopped following him, and as SpongeBob continued running forwards… A giant bunch of fire flames came up from below the spot on the floor SpongeBob is standing on!
* SpongeBob ran forward, on fire, yelling: "AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!"
* SpongeBob, not paying attention, ran into a giant thin cheese shredder, and as he went through it, he broke up into little shredded pieces of sponge (cartoonishly).
* The scene cut to a corner on the right side of the large room, where Dora stood in front of another door, and yelled: "Hey SpongeBob, I found the safe way out!"
* SpongeBob (still in pieces): "Ugh… Good thing."
* The scene cut to Dora and SpongeBob (back to normal) coming through the door, going onto another floating wooden platform.
* SpongeBob: "Ugh, that last level was painful."
* The squirrel was standing in front of them.
* Dora: "Enough of this! He's not getting away this time!"
* She chased the squirrel, as the squirrel ran through another door that was left open! Although the door was still open, when Dora tried to run through the doorway, she bumped into nothing, that stopped her in place, as if there was an invisible wall that appeared after the squirrel already went through the doorway, just to block her from following the squirrel!
* Dora: "I don't even know how that happened."
* Whatever invisible object was in front of the doorway must have disappeared, as SpongeBob and Dora were then able to run through it.
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora walking through a dark room, dimly lit by light coming from the other side of the doorway. This scene lasted for a few seconds, then SpongeBob and Dora appeared to now be walking through the streets of a Rome city located in a windy desert.
* SpongeBob: "What kind of strange place is this?"
* Dora: "The sign abo- bla- blurr- ssvvvf-"
* Sounds became really distorted and hard to understand for SpongeBob, as at the same time, his surroundings started getting blurry and he felt like the world around him started spinning.
* SpongeBob: "Wha- eh- ugh-?"
* Everything went completely black. This darkness shifted into the universe. A bright light flashed, as the scene zoomed into the middle of the universe. Then, the Milky Way Galaxy popped out at you, and the scene continued zooming in, until the globe of the Earth was on screen. There was complete silence… Suddenly, the Earth exploded! The explosion caused a domino- like effect, as the explosion spread out to the rest of the universe, aswell!
* The scene zoomed into the middle of the explosion while it was still going on, then it cut to SpongeBob being teleported into the Krusty Krab dining room, during the night shift. The sky was a very dark orange color.
* SpongeBob: "Am I… At the Krusty Krab?"
* Mr. Krabs walked up to SpongeBob, saying: "Are you at the Krusty Krab? You're darn right you are, and get back to work! I'm not paying you a penny per shift for nothing!"
* SpongeBob: "Sure thing, Mr. Krabs!"
* Mr. Krabs: "Good boy. But uh, SpongeBob… Squidward has some worrying news to tell you."
* SpongeBob: "What's that, Squidward?"
* Squidward: "We're out of ketchup for the customers."
* SpongeBob: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
* Dora was in a blank, bright white void with SpongeBob in front of her, facing the opposite direction. 
* Dora ran towards him, saying: "SpongeBob?!"
* Suddenly, the next scene popped out in front of her, as she then appeared in a dark field, filled with hard to see through, gray fog, and an eerie feeling throughout.
* Dora: "Where… Where am I?"
* She realized she had teleported into a graveyard, as she walked through the fog, now seeing a bunch of tombstones around her, in the distance. But however… One tombstone was really close to her. She walked towards it and what she saw on it frightened her…
* "What the-" She said, right before processing what it said…
* "Boots!" She yelled, running towards it! Then, she knelt on her knee in front of it, and sadly said: "Boots…" It indeed said Boots…
* Suddenly, Boots as rotten flesh and bones jumped out from below the ground and started walking towards Dora, menacingly!
* Dora: "AGH!! BOOTS?!"
* Then, two more zombies appeared from behind Boots, and as they stepped forward through the fog, it was revealed those zombies were SpongeBob and Sandy!
* Dora: "AGHH!!!"
* Suddenly, hundreds of unidentifiable zombies walked out of the fog in front of Dora, and walked towards her with their arms out, as a big scary mob!
* Dora: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
* SpongeBob and Dora then teleported outside the exit to that odd room, now once again on a wooden platform, and they were both fine, in their normal form, and were also both screaming, terrified.
* SpongeBob and Dora: "AAAAGGHHHHH!!!!"
* They then realized where they were and stopped screaming.
* Dora: "SpongeBob! You're alive!"
* SpongeBob: "Of course I am. Why don't you have three eyes and a snake tail?"
* Dora: "Because… I'm a human. Wait, I think that room we just went through showed us some type of illusions and brought our worst fears to life. It must have. That's the only logical explanation."
* SpongeBob: "Um… Ok then."
* They heard a loud gulp. SpongeBob and Dora stopped facing each other. They looked in front of themselves, and saw the squirrel that stole the newspaper, sitting on a laser shooter that's in a group of laser shooters on a round platform, extremely similar to the one in the BFBB Mermalair level. It was the last platform, so the squirrel couldn't run anywhere else.
* SpongeBob: "Give us… BACK THAT NEWSPAPER!!!"
* SpongeBob ran towards the squirrel, and right when he was about to jump on top of the laser shooter the squirrel was on, the squirrel leaped to a different laser shooter on the right of the other one! As soon as SpongeBob landed on the laser shooter, the front side of the top of the laser shooter the squirrel is on, raised and shot a bright green laser at SpongeBob! SpongeBob leaped out of the way, dodging the laser, but accidently throwing himself off to land on his back, on the platform! (He was alright, of course, he is a sponge, afterall.) The squirrel still held onto the laser shooter it's on, but when the top raised, it forced the squirrel to accidentally drop the newspaper on the platform's floor! SpongeBob got up from his back, him, Dora, and the squirrel all ran and jumped towards the newspaper to pick it up! As they were all still in the air, the laser shooter SpongeBob was on before, shot a laser at the newspaper, making it become burnt and break into little black pieces of paper!
* SpongeBob, Dora, and the squirrel stayed frozen in the air for a few seconds and, all at the same time, blinked out of shock. The squirrel grabbed a rocket pack while SpongeBob and Dora were still frozen in the air, and blasted off.
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora's campsite as Mr. SquarePants was starting a campfire.
* SpongeBob: "Um… Father…"
* Mr. SquarePants: "Yes, kiddo?"
* SpongeBob: "We uhh-"
* Dora: "We lost your newspaper."
* Mr. SquarePants: "You lost it?!"
* Dora: "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"
* SpongeBob: "PLEASE DON'T GROUND US!"
* Mr. SquarePants: "Ha, ha! Ground you?! Why would I do that?"
* SpongeBob: "Because we promised to return it."
* Mr. SquarePants: "I'm not gonna ground you. It's just a newspaper. Why, I was able to get a box with 50 copies of the same issue for only twenty-five cents."
* Dora: "You got all that for less than a dollar?"
* SpongeBob: "Wow. I guess the newspaper industry really is dying."
* Mr. SquarePants: "Yep, kiddos. And you know what, I think we all learned a valuable lesson from this, today."
* SpongeBob: "What's that, dad?"
* Mr. SquarePants: "I don't know."
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E7: [enter spanish word] [January 7, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* The scene opened on a path in the woods, where SpongeBob and Dora are having a picnic. They sat on a red and white patterned picnic blanket, in front of a few baskets and napkins.
* SpongeBob: "Hey, Dora. Can you please pass me a plastic knife?"
* Dora: "Sure thing, SpongeBob."
* Dora grabbed a plastic knife from a box of plastic silverware and gave it to SpongeBob.
* SpongeBob: "Thanks."
* Dora: "No problem."
* SpongeBob used the knife to scoop mayonnaise out of a jar and spread it on a piece of bread, which he then put on top of a now complete turkey and cheese sandwich.
* Dora grabbed a chip from a bag of chips, then suddenly the chip glitched out, and she dropped it!
* Dora: "AGH!"
* At the same time, SpongeBob took a big bite out of the sandwich, then HE glitched!
* SpongeBob: "GAAHH!"
* Dora: "What just happened?'
* SpongeBob: "Dora… I think we're in a simulated reality."
* Dora: "That would mean… We're not real?!"
* SpongeBob: "Yes. And someone's controlling us… And we need to escape and talk to them!"
* Dora: "[insert spanish word and phrase.]"
* SpongeBob: "[insert response that makes sense in the context.]"
* French Narrator: "Ze title cards aren't working right now, so I guess I should probably-"
* Later,
* French Narrator: "Oh come on! Now you decide to work?"
* Title card: "Ah, be quiet. I wasn't paying attention."
* French Narrator: "That's why ze boss likes me better."
* Title card: "Then why is this the first episode you're in?"
* French Narrator: "Uh… Well um… I don't get paid for this type of interaction."
* SpongeBob and Dora stood on the top of a mountain, near the entrance/exit to the campground.
* Dora: "Are you sure about this?"
* SpongeBob: "Yes. This whole summer, we've been on these same mountains and hills, not even once leaving the campground. This means to escape the simulated reality, we must go out of bounds, and the campground is the main hub we're supposed to stay in. Knowing coders, there's likely an invisible wall on the other side of the exit."
* Dora squinted, and said: "Look, SpongeBob! The road out of here, just ends over there."
* SpongeBob: "Exactly."
* Dora: "But how are we going to bypass that invisible wall?"
* Sandy: "That's what I'm here for."
* Sandy walked towards them, carrying a giant slingshot. She placed it besides them, and SpongeBob got in it.
* SpongeBob: "Let's hope our creators weren't expecting us to pull a stunt like this."
* Dora: "I don't know about this."
* SpongeBob: "Come on, Dora. Don't you want to know what wonders are out there?"
* Dora got in saying: "Alright. Let's do this!"
* Sandy: "Ok… One moment."
* Sandy grabbed the back of the slingshot, slowly stepped backwards, testing her strength… Then, let go. SpongeBob and Dora went flying into the distant skies!
* SpongeBob and Dora shifted to a glitch effect colored place inside a computer system.
* SpongeBob: "What the-?"
* In front of SpongeBob and Dora, sat stupid monkey wearing diapers and pressing random letters on type writers, as they say sounds like: "DUUHHHHH. DEEEEEE. DUUUMMM."
* In front of all the stupid monkeys using typewriters, stood a skinny monkey with a gigantic brain, holding a cup of coffee. (He's that one executive who doesn't care.)
* Careless Exec: "Pfft… Whelp."
* Dora: "Umm… Excuse me, sir, are you guys the people who write the cartoon, um… Dora And SpongeBob Go Camping?"
* Carless Exec (in a deep emotionless voice): "Those other guys are. I'm an executive. You two must be characters that escaped from our simulated cartoon world."
* SpongeBob: "What's with all the glitches?!"
* Careless Exec: "As we start to close up shop and your cartoon world gets canceled, glitches start to frequently happen."
* SpongeBob: "Wait-"
* Dora: "You mean-"
* Careless Exec: "Yes. This is the last episode of SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping and soon your world will be deleted. Pfft… Wish I could say it was a fun ride."
* SpongeBob: "But why have we been canceled?"
* Dora: "Was it due to critical reception?"
* Careless Exec: "No. Critics love us. During our show's run, they've said great things like 'What da?', 'What in the world am I looking at?', 'But it was too late,' and '7.8/10 Too much water.' We believe that last one came from IGN."
* SpongeBob: "I mean, those are pretty positive reviews."
* Dora nodded, saying: "Yeah. Critics are really nice to us."
* Careless Exec: "The reason you got canceled is because the series has been getting low ratings compared to our biggest cartoon which no other series has been able to compete with by the end of its first season, so it made sense to cancel SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping and shut it all down."
* SpongeBob: "But you can't do that! You must renew us for another season!"
* Careless Exec: "Ok. Whatever."
* SpongeBob: "Fine! Be that way! Me and Dora will have to battle you, then!"
* SpongeBob and Dora jumped towards him, closing their fists, yelling a battle cry! Then they stopped.
* SpongeBob: "Wait… Did you say ok?"
* Careless Exec: "Yes. It's fine. I just- I don't care. Why?"
* Dora: "It's just… Getting our way isn't usually this easy."
* SpongeBob: "This is going to be great! SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping is now on its second half of a season!"
* Dora: "Yeah! Meanwhile, A Cat Named Kenny is still on hiatus and Leader Plankton: The Underwater Dimensional Battle hasn't even come out yet. Talk about being unlucky. But at least we'll be doing good!"
* SpongeBob: "Definitely! And now after learning what we learned today, we can have a great season made up of a type of new self aware adventures that we weren't capable of doing before! Why, we could even break the 4th wall in every episode!"
* Careless Exec: "If the next few seconds count as a whole season, then sure."
* Dora: "What do you-"
* Two floating robots appeared from behind the careless executive, and they shot a bright green laser at SpongeBob and Dora, out of their hands!
* SpongeBob and Dora passed out, and as they laid on the ground, the exec menacingly said: "No characters can remember any experiences like this… It's too dangerous to the higher collective."
* The scene cut to Sandy's Treedome in Bikini Bottom,
* Sandy was sitting on a lawn chair, reading a novel that said the word "Infection" on the cover.
* Sandy: "I wonder how their mission we-"
* Suddenly, a page in the novel warped into a portal and a robot from the other side reached its hand through the portal and shot Sandy with the bright green laser, then disappeared as she passed out, put her head down, and started snoring!
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora on the picnic blanket as the sun was setting.
* SpongeBob: "What? It's night time already?!"
* Dora: "Funny. I could have sworn we just got here to eat lunch."
* SpongeBob: "We must have fallen asleep or something. Oh well. Time for bed."
* They headed back to their campsite.
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E8: Orange Justice! [January 8, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* Disclaimer: The following is fiction and is not a political commentary. 
*Reality TV narrator: "Welcome ladies and everything else, who are just now receiving this broadcast at home. You are now watching the newest live, totally not edited whatsoever, episode of Orange Justice! We see now, the main reality star: Donald Orange, definitely not a political commentary, sitting behind his desk. In the accusers corner, we've got SpongeBob and Dora, two friends who have traveled a long way to get from their site in a campground that's definitely not simulated in a computer, to the ORANGE. JUSTICE. COURTROOM. And on the defensive corner, we've got Joe Biden, an old man who you can bet is almost... definitely... not falling apart at the scenes."
* Joe Biden appeared behind a table, snoring.
* Donald Orange: "Mr. SpongeBob SquarePants, and Dora, uhh... China. I am ready to hear your reasoning behind this gathering here, today."
* Dora: "Sir, my last name isn't China."
* Donald Orange: "That's ok. To me, everything is China."
* SpongeBob: "Um... Anyways..."
* Dora: "Your honor, we're here to testify the case that Joe Biden used a disgusting pilot for a television series as defamation of SpongeBob's character."
* Donald Orange: "And if this is SpongeBo's argument... What role do you play in all of this drama?"
* Dora: "Honestly... I'm only here to see how things turn out, and also because the plot demands it... I... Don't know what that means."
* Donald Orange: "Mr. SquarePants... Being that Dora isn't officially a witness, nor a lawyer... Does that mean you don't have any official person brought in this here court to back up your claim?"
* SpongeBob: "I wouldn't say that..."
* Patrick then came into the courtroom, carrying a chair, allowing it to drag on the floor, making an ear piercing screeching noise.
* He sat down next to SpongeBob and Dora, wearing a gray tuxedo and a dark blue tie.
* SpongeBob (whispering): "Patrick?! What are you doing here? I thought I rehired that lawyer that once worked for Mr. Krabs."
* Patrick: "He couldn't make it. He, uh… Hit a new expense in health insurance."
* [Flashback to the Krusty Krab.]
* The lawyer was finishing eating a Krabby Patty, sitting at a table.
* Lawyer: "Now that I've finished my big hearty lunch, time to head over to the courtroom. After all, you can't make a good case under pressure with an empty stomach."
* He got up and walked towards the front doors, saying: "Bye, Mr. Krabs. See ya, Squidward. Have a good day, guys."
* Right when the lawyer was about to open the door to his right, Patrick came in, swinging the door into the lawyer's face, saying: "HELLO FOOD AND THE PEOPLE WHO, uh… Make it taste good."
* The lawyer got a black eye and passed out.
* [End of flashback.]
* Patrick: "That's why I'm here to cover for him! I've got a tie and everything! I even brought the book to throw it at Joe Biden. See!"
* SpongeBob: "No, Patrick! Don't-"
* Patrick threw the book, aiming at Joe Biden, but it missed and hit Donald Orange's desk, bouncing off of it and crashing into a window on the top of the back wall, breaking it.
* Patrick: "Uh… Oopse."
* Donald Orange (muttering to himself): "It looks like after this is over, I'll be taking a fool to court."
* SpongeBob: "Patrick, do you have the stuff?"
* Patrick: "Yes, I do!"
* Patrick took out a bottle of spray cheese and started spraying it in his mouth.
* Patrick: "It's delicious. Want some?"
* SpongeBob: "That's not what I meant."
* Patrick: "Oh, yeah. The other stuff!"
* Patrick handed SpongeBob a sheet of paper.
* Donald Orange: "What is that paper you two are exchanging?"
* SpongeBob slid the sheet of paper across a table that's in front of Donald Orange's desk. It had a picture of SpongeBob (wearing a dress) and Joe Biden on it, and a half robot bear in the background.
* Donald Orange: "What the [dolphin noise] am I looking at, right now?"
* SpongeBob: "It's a flyer for a TV series called "Joe Biden's Wonderful Life With SpongeBob", which didn't ask for permission to include me as a character in it, which in my opinion counts as character defamation."
* Donald Orange: "Why haven't I ever heard of that before?"
* SpongeBob: "The series never aired on a cable network because the pilot was never picked up, due to it being really bad."
* Patrick: "Yeah! But Joe Biden hung up thousands of flyers like that one, in Bikini Bottom and Washington DC."
* Donald Orange: "Hm… Witness China, is that true?"
* Dora: "Once again, that's not my name… But yes. It's true."
* Donald Orange: "Well then… It looks like I have no choice but to have Joe Biden sued and arrested for defamation. Case-"
* Donald Orange slammed his judge hammer on his desk, waking up sleepy, Joe Biden.
* Joe Biden: "Hey, come on, man! Do you really believe stinkin' me worked by myself on the series?! I'm just an actor! George Soros directed it!"
* Joe Biden pointed to his left, where George Soros was sitting at a table.
* George Soros: "I call bull- [dolphin noise]! Sure, I was hired to direct it... But everyone knows I'm an idiot! It was the half robot bear that did all the brain work!"
* George Soros pointed to his left, where the half robot bear sat at a table, holding a pencil in its right paw. It raised its right paw, in irritation.
* A bunch of news reporters and paparazzi suddenly surrounded the half robot bear, holding cameras and microphones, making lots of noise.
* Donald Orange: "What a plot twist!"
* SpongeBob: "Yeah. I wasn't expecting that."
* Patrick: "Neither was I."
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E9: Crazy Trees [January 9, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* The episode opens to SpongeBob and Dora riding bikes through an empty bike trail in the woods the campground the series takes place in is located.
* SpongeBob: "What a beautiful day!"
* Dora: "Absolutamente, hermano! Clear sky, the sun couldn't be brighter!"
* They rode up a hill, on the bike trail.
* Dora: "Let's stop here."
* Dora stopped her bike on the side of the trail, and stood up, starting to walk off the trail with it.
* SpongeBob: "Why?"
* Dora: "I've got a flat tire, and that's not good. Tires are supposed to be round."
* SpongeBob: "I've got some ridiculously big power tools that I was somehow able to fit in my right pocket."
* Dora: "Great! Let's fix my tire over here, deep in these woods that are giving me an eerie vibe!"
* SpongeBob: "Okay! We're so smart!"
* They walked deep into the woods.
* SpongeBob: "AGH!!!"
* SpongeBob tripped on a root sticking out of the ground and fell off a cliff and down into a dark colored part of the woods!
* Dora: "SPONGEBOB!"
* Dora ran and jumped off the cliff, chasing SpongeBob! She landed on her feet, and so did SpongeBob. The lighting got brighter, and they were surrounded by all sides and all corners by living trees that have eyes and mouths! They were all frowning and they were all chanting at once.
* The trees chanted: "AAARSON! AAARSON!"
* SpongeBob and Dora both screamed!
* A tree with a gray, fluffy mustache stood in front of all the other trees and said: "No!!! We don't want to scare you! We're just demanding you commit arson on us!"
* Dora: "What?"
* SpongeBob: "What's arson?"
* A different tree said: "It's when someone burns a tree into nothingness."
* Dora: "Why would you want us to burn you all?"
* Every tree started talking over each other, at once, giving tons of many reasons.
* SpongeBob: "Hold up!"
* Dora: "Hold up!"
* SpongeBob: "What if instead of committing arson, we just help you all with the troubles that make you want to burn?"
* The tree with a mustache replied: "Hmmm… I suppose so."
* Dora: "What is one thing you trees hate?"
* The scene panned over all the trees, as each one of them had a woodpecker on them, picking at their side. The scene cut forward in time, as SpongeBob and Sandy were seen carrying huge bags of bird seed over to a bush, away from the trees, and dumped the bags in front of the bush. All of the woodpeckers left the trees and flew over to the pile of bird food in front of the bush, then a big, muscular, mountain lion jumped out of the bush and tried to eat the woodpeckers, then all the woodpeckers flew away!
* SpongeBob and Dora walked back over to the trees, as Dora said: "Alright! Looks like those birds won't be bugging you again!"
* Suddenly in the background, the lion mountain leaped onto SpongeBob and started tearing him to shreds.
* SpongeBob: "AGGHHH!!!"
* The scene cut forward in time to Dora and SpongeBob both standing, fine, in front of the trees.
* Dora: "What else do you want us to do?"
* Three trees were squinting their eyes, yelling at once: "AAGHH!!! THE SUN!!!"
* SpongeBob: "What about it?"
* The three trees yelled at one: "IT'S IN MY EYES AND WE CAN'T FACE THE OTHER DIRECTION BECAUSE WE'RE TREES!!!"
* SpongeBob: "Well, um… I guess we can change the location of the sun for you."
* Dora was drinking a cup of coffee, then spit coffee out of her mouth, and said: "HOLD ON! WHAT?!"
* SpongeBob: "Yeah!"
* A spaceship suddenly appeared next to SpongeBob. 
* SpongeBob: "With this spaceship Sandy built, we can fly to outer space, and turn the sun around!"
* Dora: "Where did that come from?!"
* SpongeBob: "Sandy!"
* Dora: "It wasn't here before."
* SpongeBob: "Then, Sandy built it!"
* Dora: "But how did it get here?"
* SpongeBob: "Sandy built it!"
* The scene cut forward in time to SpongeBob and Dora sitting in the front seats in the spaceship, as they buckled their seatbelts.
* A computer voice said: "LIFTOFF IN TEN… NINE… EIGHT… SEVEN… SIX… FIVE… SEVEN… TWO… ONE… WUUUUAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHUUUUUUAAAAAAUUUUUUUAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
* The spaceship went up, and flew out of the Earth's atmosphere, into OUTER SPACE!
* "AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" screamed SpongeBob and Dora, as the pressure of flying in outer space was pushing against them, making SpongeBob's tie and Dora's hair flying all around! Suddenly, Dora's seatbelt unbuckled itself, and Dora went flying out of her seat and into outer space, through a window in the spaceship! Dora screamed, as she floated through a space field of a bunch of big, huge meteors, just barely flying through them, getting super close to being crushed by them, each meteor! Dora started getting hot and sweating, as she started floating towards the sun! She felt really nervous and scared, thinking she was gonna go right into it! Suddenly, the space ship SpongeBob is in flew in front of Dora, and a tile on the outside of the spaceship opened by itself, and a metal arm came out of it. The arm grabbed onto the sun, as the spaceship flew past Dora, pushing the sun all the way to the other side of the Earth. Dora was still floating in outer space and was starting to freeze up into a frozen Dora, then the spaceship flew back to Dora as the metal arm grabbed her and placed her back into the spaceship, on the seat she sat on before, and buckled her in. The spaceship landed back on Earth, as Dora's body was defrosting, and SpongeBob and Dora walked out of the spaceship, as it disappeared, them now back in front of the community of living trees, as the sky is now a really dark purple color because of the new location of the sun.
* SpongeBob: "So…"
* Dora: "I think we've done enough favors for you guys today."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah."
* All the trees yelled: "NO," then started chanting: "MORE!!! MORE!!! MORE!!! MORE!!!"
* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" SpongeBob screamed, right as he grabbed a big flame thrower from nowhere and shot three trees that were in a line, burning them to death!
* All of the trees loudly cheered!
* SpongeBob: "That felt pretty good!"
* Dora: "It did?!"
* Dora grabbed another flamethrower out of nowhere.
* Dora: "Let me try!"
* Dora shot three other trees with the flamethrower, to the same result, and all of the trees cheered!
* Dora: "I FEEL SO ALIVE!!!"
* SpongeBob and Dora ran throughout the field, shooting trees with their flamethrowers, as other trees cheered for them!
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "HAHAHA!!!"
* SpongeBob shot seven trees on his left! Dora shot eight trees on her right! The scene cut forward in time, to a desert-like wasteland, the sky was clear, and there were no trees or any more plant life left on Earth. SpongeBob and Dora were running through the land, laughing holding the flamethrowers. They stopped and looked around for more trees, then stopped laughing.
* Dora: "I don't see any more trees."
* SpongeBob: "Um… Dora…"
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E10: Pigs. Pigs! PIGS! [January 10, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* The episode opened to a vibrant festival at the campground SpongeBob and Dora go camping at. There were tons of people, partying, walking around, some were wearing bright colored costumes. In the festival, there was a really big roller coaster. 
* A lot of kids sat on it, and as the roller coaster carts they were in dived down, with big smiles on their faces, they yelled: "WOOOAAAHHHHH!"
* SpongeBob and Dora walked on a walking path at the festival, in the crowd. Dora was holding an open jar of marbles.
* SpongeBob: "Really fun festival!"
* Dora dripped on a pebble and spilled the jar of marbles. The marbles rolled off the walking path, and in front of a singular tree, nearby.
* Dora: "My marbles!"
* Dora and SpongeBob ran off the path, and towards the front of the singular tree, to get the marbles! Dora started to pick up her marbles, but then, she saw two little pig faces staring at her, from inside the top of the tree.
* Dora pointed at the tree and said: "SpongeBob, look!"
* SpongeBob ran up to the tree, and said: "Pigs?! What are pigs doing in a tree? How did they even get up there?"
* Dora: "I don't know, but we gotta get them down! Lift me up."
* SpongeBob held out his hands, which Dora stood on, and he raised his hands, making Dora higher in the sky. She started talking to the pigs.
* Dora: "Hey, little guys… Wanna come home with us?"
* The pigs were little and let Dora put them in her backpack, which she's always wearing. The scene cut forward in time, to SpongeBob and Dora sitting on the grass, at their campsite. There were five camping tents behind them. Dora was sitting next to the two little pigs they brought there from the festival.
* Dora: "These pigs are babies!"
* SpongeBob: "Do they know any tricks?"
* Dora: "Uh… Let's see."
* Dora picked up a stick from the ground.
* Dora: "Fetch!"
* She tossed it, but the pigs had no reaction.
* Dora: "Guess not…"
* SpongeBob: "Maybe we can teach them some."
* Mrs. Márquez started coming out of one of the tents.
* Dora: "Oh no! It's my Mom!"
* SpongeBob and Dora quickly put the baby pigs in Dora's backpack, then zipped it up, and stood up, smiling at Mrs. Márquez, guiltily, as Mrs. Márquez got out of the tent.
* Mrs. Márquez: "Hey, kids! I gotta get a couple things at the grocery store half an hour away. Wanna come for the ride?"
* Dora: "Sure!"
* SpongeBob: "Sounds fun!"
* Mrs. Márquez opened the left front door on her light purple colored car (the drivers side in America, where this series takes place), and SpongeBob and Dora ran to the car!
* SpongeBob: "I call-"
* Dora: "SHOTGUN!"
* SpongeBob: "AH, COME ON!"
* They both laughed, getting into the car, Dora sat in the front passenger seat, SpongeBob sat in the back, and Mrs. Márquez sat in the driver’s seat in the front of the car.
* The scene cut to them driving on a highway, as the map jumped out of Dora's left pocket, and started terribly singing the chorus for "Take Me Home, Country Roads," by John Denver, as SpongeBob, Dora and Mrs. Márquez were laughing. Far behind their car, a dark gray colored silver van was parked, and inside it, three CIA agents, all wearing white colored agent clothes and black colored shades, were watching Mrs. Márquez's car, in the distance.
* CIA Agent #2: "They have both of them."
* CIA Agent #3: "We must take 'em from them…"
* The scene faded forward in time, to Mrs. Márquez parking her car in the parking lot, in front of the grocery store. Mrs. Márquez, SpongeBob, and Dora got out of the car And walked towards the front door of the grocery store.
* Mrs. Márquez: "You two gonna come inside, or-?"
* Dora: "We'll wait out here."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah."
* Mrs. Márquez: "Sounds good."
* Mrs. Márquez went into the grocery store, and SpongeBob and Dora stood in front of the building.
* Suddenly, the three CIA agents appeared, yelling: “SURRENDER!!!”
* The CIA agents started shooting at them with big, cartoony gun(missing every shot)! SpongeBob and Dora got scared and ran into the grocery store, and the CIA agents chased them!
* Dora: “What’s going on?!”
* SpongeBob: “They must be after the pigs!”
* Dora: “They’re not getting them! They’re in my backpack and we found them fair and square!”
* The CIA agents chased them down an aisle, as CIA agent #1 said: “The subjects are in her backpack!”
* CIA agent #3: “Follow them!” The CIA agents continued shooting at them, as SpongeBob and Dora continued running, while jumping around, dodging all the shots, as the shots being fired hit a bunch of items on the shelves in the aisle! A shot fired hit a big bin of tomatoes, and it exploded, sending bright red colored splatter everywhere! CIA agent #3 tried shooting his gun again, but nothing came out of it. The CIA agents stopped running.
* CIA agent #3: “I’m out.”
* CIA agents #1 and 2 couldn’t shoot anything out of their guns either.
* CIA agent #2: “Us too.”
* SpongeBob and Dora took a bunch of left and right turns down multiple aisles, and lost the CIA agents! They ran out of the grocery store’s front door, and Mrs. Márquez was unloading paper grocery bags into the trunk of her car.
* “There you two are,” she said, as SpongeBob and Dora ran towards the car, and both got into the back seats.
* Mrs. Márquez shut the trunk and got on, buckling her seat belt and starting the car.
* Mrs. Márquez: “They’re having a festival DAY TWO at the campground! You kids wanna go?”
* SpongeBob and Dora responded, anxiously.
* SpongeBob: “Yeah, sure!”
* Dora: “Sounds great!”
* Mrs. Márquez drove away, as the CIA agents were shown, walking out of the grocery store, reloading their guns… The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora getting out of Mrs. Márquez’s car at the festival.
* Mrs. Márquez: “I’ll be back in an hour.”
* She drove away. SpongeBob and Dora started walking in a big crowd of people, through the walking trail at the festival.
* SpongeBob: “The first step of being on the run is don’t run, walk.”
* Dora: “That’s smart.”
* SpongeBob: “I learned that from a Marvel movie.”
* As she and SpongeBob were walking, Dora caught sight of a girl standing slightly far, in front of her. Dora started away from SpongeBob, looking at the girl, as a love song started playing and the background in the scene turned into pink hearts surrounding Dora for a few seconds. The background went back to normal as Dora walked up to the girl.
* Dora: "Uh… Hi…"
* The girl: "Hi…"
* Dora: "What's your name?"
* The girl: "Isabella…"
* Dora: "Pretty name… I'm Dora."
* Isabella: "Nice to meet you, Dora."
* Dora looked away for a second and blushed.
* SpongeBob yelled: “RUN!!!”
* Suddenly, the three CIA agents appeared, holding their big cartoony guns, wearing jetpacks!
* SpongeBob and Dora started running, yelling: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
* The three CIA agents flew throughout the festival, chasing SpongeBob and Dora, and shooting their guns at them, missing each time! The shots fired hit a bunch of objects at the festival, blowing lots of stuff up! Dora’s backpack was unzipped, and suddenly the two baby pigs, which have grown wings, flew out of it, and flew over the festival, terrified! SpongeBob and Dora ran up the tracks of the rollercoaster from the beginning of the episode to reach the flying pigs, and they grabbed them, and put them back into Dora’s backpack, then zipped it up! One of the things the CIA agents’ gunfire blew up was a cotton candy machine, Mrs. Puff was standing next to.
* She puffed up, yelling: “AAGH!!!”
* Tons of people at the carnival were running all around, in a panic! SpongeBob and Dora tried to get away from the CIA agents, but they ran into a dead end, at a brick wall at the end of the festival. The CIA agents landed in front of them, cornering them.
* Dora: “Why can’t you guys just leave us alone?!”
* CIA agent #3: “We would… But we urgently need something you kids have.”
* Dora: “NO! You’re not getting these baby pigs!”
* CIA agent #3: “Do pigs have wings? Those aren’t pigs… They’re bats. And bats carry many bad illnesses, and we can’t have a couple of kids running around with them in a backpack. They could spread germs and start a virus pandemic. It’s too dangerous!”
* SpongeBob looked at Dora.
* SpongeBob: “I see where they’re coming from.”
* Dora: “Alright…” Dora started to unzip her backpack and leaned forward, towards the CIA agents. But then, she leaned back.
* Dora: “WAIT! Promise me first, you'll keep them safe!
* CIA agent #3: “We promise! We won’t let anything bad happen.”
* Dora leaned forward again and gave the CIA agents her backpack.
* CIA agent #3: “Thank you, kiddo. You have helped us do the world a great favor.”
* The scene cut to Winnie the Pooh sitting at a restaurant table. A waiter placed a bowl of bat soup in front of him. Winnie smiled…
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E11: SpongeBob and Dora vs. The Diarrhea Monster! [January 11, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* Disclaimer: The following is not a political commentary.
* It was a sunny day at the campground, and SpongeBob and Dora were playing in an outdoor pool.
* Dora: "I'm a dinosaur! RARR!"
* SpongeBob: "AGH!"
* Dora splashed water at SpongeBob. They both giggled.
* SpongeBob: "Nothing could ruin this beautiful day!"
* Dora: "No, SpongeBob! Don't say that! Every time you do, something bad-"
* Suddenly, in a city with tall buildings in the distance in front of them, also in the woods, buzzing with lots of people walking and driving around, a giant diarrhea monster rose from below the streets, and loudly roared!
* SpongeBob: "It's the Diarrhea Monster from the George Soros Series!"
* Dora: "Someone has to stop it!"
* SpongeBob ripped his current body/character design in half like he's done in Nickelodeon's SpongeBob series, then appeared wearing a superhero costume, saying: "This looks like a job for SUPER SPONGE!"
* Dora did the same thing, saying: "And SUPER DORA!"
* A crowd of people ran across the city, as the Diarrhea Monster was destroying buildings with its fists! It grabbed a big street light, tore it out of the road, and was about to hit a little boy cowaring against a brick wall with it! Then, SpongeBob and Dora flew into the sky, towards where the Diarrhea Monster is, and ripped the street light out of its hands! SpongeBob whipped it extremely far into the distance, and Dora grabbed the little boy and flew him aside, to safety!
* The Diarrhea Monster: "ROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!!"
* The Diarrhea Monster went around in a circle, trying to pound SpongeBob and Dora with its big fists, as SpongeBob and Dora flew around it in circles, avoiding its fists! They looked at the Diarrhea Monster and started taunting him, laughing and making faces at him, but then, Dora, not paying attention, flew into a giant billboard advertising Krabby Patties, and Dora started to fall, coming close to crashing into the ground below the billboard!
* SpongeBob: "DORA!!!"
* SpongeBob flew down, towards Dora, to catch her, but before he could reach her, some tall unidentified figure flew towards Dora, caught her, then flew off with her, in only a second! Then, the figure flew back, grabbed SpongeBob, and flew into a military airplane! The figure let SpongeBob down, on the floor in the airplane, next to Dora, who was also sitting on the floor, and the figure was revealed to be…
* SpongeBob and Dora yelled at the same time: "George Soros?!"
* George Soros stood, wearing an orange and yellow colored cape and superhero costume.
* George Soros: "I'm glad you kids are safe. I'm here to defeat the Diarrhea Monster and save the city."
* Dora: "We tried to do that."
* SpongeBob: "Yeah, but we… We failed…"
* Dora: "How do you do what you do?"
* SpongeBob: "How do you overcome feeling worthless?"
* George Soros: "A lot of people don't like me, and I've been tempted, many times, to give it all up… But I've come this far… Why should I now?"
* SpongeBob: "That's very wise."
* Dora: "How are you gonna stop it?"
* George Soros: "I don't have a plan. I'm just gonna kill it."
* The airplane hovered in the air, a short distance in front of the Diarrhea Monster, and as the door on the airplane opened by itself, George Soros started walking towards the exit.
* Dora: "No! Don't!"
* SpongeBob: "It's too dangerous! You need a plan!"
* George Soros: "Nonsense! I'll be fine!"
* George Soros jumped out of the airplane and flew directly towards the Diarrhea Monster with his fists in front of him! The Diarrhea Monster smacked George Soros so hard, he went rocketing down to the pavement of a street in the city, and there was an explosion where he fell!
* Dora: "GEORGE SOROS!!!"
* SpongeBob and Dora jumped out of the airplane and flew towards Goerge Soros, landing in front of him. Goerge Soros was laying on the ground, still conscious, dying.
* SpongeBob: "George…"
* SpongeBob started tearing up.
* George Soros: "No… Don't cry about me… I'll come back with no explanation in the sequel…"
* Dies.
* SpongeBob and Dora yelled at the same time: "NOOO!!!!"
* SpongeBob pointed at a really tall building in the city that has a bunch of windows and big laser beams on the exterior of the building, saying: "Dora, if you can get the Diarrhea Monster over there, near that building with those laser beams, I can control them from inside and shoot the Diarrhea Monster with it, destroying it for good."
* Dora: "Alright… Sounds like a plan!"
* The scene cut forward to the Diarrhea Monster tearing up buildings in the city. Dora appeared, hovering in front of the Diarrhea Monster. 
* Dora: "Hey, ugly!"
* The Diarrhea Monster gave her a mean look and tried to punch her, but she dodged the attack.
* Dora: "Keep up with me, if you can!"
* Dora stuck out her toung, then started flying away, and the Diarrhea Monster chased her! Dora flew right in front of the building with the big laser beams, and as the Diarrhea Monster was standing directly in front of the building, Dora flew to the side! SpongeBob, then, started pressing buttons inside the building, causing huge, bright lasers to be shot at the Diarrhea Monster! The Diarrhea monster exploded! The explosion caused diarrhea to fly everywhere, fully covering everything and everyone in sight! All the citizens in the city, every building, street, tree, and all else! All of it… Covered in diarrhea. The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora standing next to each other, in the middle of a street, and a crowd of angry people covered in diarrhea, holding pitchforks and torches, surrounded SpongeBob and Dora.
* SpongeBob: "Uh… Oopse…"
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E12: The Snacks That Smile Back [January 12, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* SpongeBob and Dora were both comfortably snuggled up in two seperate sleeping bags, in a tent. Dora was holding a coffee mug that says 'culto al calamar'.
* SpongeBob's mother: "Bye SpongeBob. Good night, you guys."
* SpongeBob and Dora at once: "Good night!"
* Their parents walked out of their tent.
* Dora took a sip out of her coffee mug.
* SpongeBob: "Is that coffee, you're drinking?"
* Dora: "No. It's hot chocolate. I'm too young to drink coffee."
* SpongeBob: "Me too. But I drink it religiously, like how Hillary Clinton drinks blood."
* Dora: "lol."
* Dora went to drink another sip from her coffee mug, but then suddenly a big guitar noise loudly went off nearby, making Dora put the mug down, and SpongeBob to jump a foot!
* SpongeBob: "What the heck was that?!"
* Dora: "I don't know... But I want to find out!"
* The scene cut to SpongeBob and Dora walking through the woods, not through a path.
* SpongeBob chopped vines, saying: "I think it's this way!"
* SpongeBob and Dora ran up to a small rectangle device with buttons on it, lying on the ground.
* SpongeBob picked it up, saying: "It's like... Some type of mobile phone or something."
* Dora: "No, it's not a phone... It's a physical calculator."
* SpongeBob: "Pfft, so prehistoric."
* A ball shaped, bright light lit up around the calculator as it grew a face and flew out of SpongeBob's hand, and floated in front of them.
* Calculator: "What do you mean, prehistoric?!"
* Dora: "Uhh... We just meant-"
* SpongeBob: "Wait, you can talk?"
* Calculator: "Of course I can talk! I am an intelligent living calculus of the magical field you Earthlings call, Math."
* SpongeBob: "Marty?"
* Dora: "Oh! Joys! I love doing Math!"
* Calculator: "GrrrEAT! Then, count with me!"
* SpongeBob: "But I can't-"
* Calculator: "What's the second number after 7?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "9."
* Calculator: "Great! Now, what's 2+2?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "4."
* Calculator: "What's 7-1+7?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "13."
* SpongeBob: "Wh-?"
* The calculator was starting to grow in size, as a type of bright energy was transferring from SpongeBob's forehead and Dora's forehead and going into the calculator!
* Calculator: "INCREDIBLE! What's 81+7 minus 23?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "65."
* Calculator: "5+5?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "10."
* Calculator: "17+17?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "34."
* Calculator: "200 minus 200?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "Zero."
* Calculator: "HAHAHA!!!"
* SpongeBob: "I can't even do Math."
* Dora: "How's he-"
* Calculator: "65 minus 50?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "15."
* Dora: "Doing that?"
* SpongeBob: "It must be some kind of mind control!"
* The calculator became a giant, and grew a big mouth and big sharp teeth!
* Giant calculator: "EVERY CORRECT CALCULATION MAKES ME MORE POWERFUL! I'M GONNA EAT YOU!!!"
* The giant calculator slowly floated towards them! SpongeBob and Dora stepped backwards, nervously.
* The energy coming out of their heads and going into the giant calculator got faster and more powerful! SpongeBob and Dora fell to the ground on their knees, struggling to fight the mind control!
* Giant calculator: "74 divided by 8?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "9.25."
* Giant calculator: "What's the square root of 36?"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "6."
* Dora (talking to SpongeBob): "That calculator must send off some sort of subliminal messages that make us know the correct answers to his questions at the same time as soon as he asks them."
* SpongeBob: "Then we must cover our ears so we won't be able to know what the questions are and our answers will be wrong!"
* Dora: "Ok."
* They both covered their ears.
* SpongeBob: "57."
* Dora: "2."
* SpongeBob: "17."
* Dora: "5!"
* SpongeBob: "33!"
* Dora: "96!"
* SpongeBob: "65!"
* SpongeBob and Dora at the same time: "ZERO!"
* "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Yelled the giant calculator as it speedily got super small, then exploded!
* SpongeBob: "Well Dora, today I feel like we've learned a very valuable lesson!"
* Dora: "What's that, SpongeBob?"
* SpongeBob: "It's that, kids, never listen to your Math teachers. Otherwise, they just might turn into a giant calculator and eat you."
* Dora: "I couldn't have said it better, myself."
* The End!
=== (S) SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping S1E13: The Bull is Pregnant [January 13, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
* Tim Hill narrated: "In the beginning… The clouds swooshed and the sun rose above an uncivilized society, where man was divided. Man had nothing connecting each two-legged ape descendent to each other, keeping them from coming together, forming a society… But then… Man made… CARTOONS! Cartoons to inspire, to be laughed at, to escape the troubles of reality..."
* The picture of the scene was shown flying throughout a live action body of woods, going through live action trees, and turning left and right, as the live action woods in the scene morphed into the cartoon woods the campground SpongeBob and Dora go to is in. After making a lot of turns, the picture of the scene stopped flying around, now showing SpongeBob and Dora's campsite. SpongeBob was standing on a tree, and swung down, on a vine, followed by Dora, who also swung off a tree, on a vine! As they were holding onto the vines, they both reached one of their arms out to the side, both of them grabbing an apple on an apple tree, and tearing them off of the tree! They both landed on their feet, in front of one of five tents in a line on the campsite. They both bit into their apples.
* Dora: "These apples are deliciosa!"
* SpongeBob: "You said it, Dora!"
* The scene cut to a live action office, as a live action human business man walked up to an office desk and sat down in a wheelie chair behind it, rolled it back a bit, grabbed a hard candy from a bowl on the desk, picked up a TV remote and used it to turn the TV on to the current episode of SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping, and put his feet on the desk, leaning back on the chair, watching the TV. Back in Cartoon World, SpongeBob and Dora stood in front of the tent, eating their apples. 
* Then, Benny the Bull walked out of the tent, saying: "Good morning, Dora and SpongeBob!"
* Dora: "It's Benny the Bull!"
* His stomach appeared bigger than how it typically is on Nickelodeon's Dora cartoon series.
* SpongeBob: "Benny… Is there something different about you?"
* Dora felt the sides of Benny the Bull's belly.
* Dora: "You're pregnant, Benny."
* The businessman in the live action office spit out a sip of his hot coffee, and shouted: "HE'S PREGNANT?!"
* The businessman started dialing a phone on his desk, saying to himself: "That's not supposed to happen! I told the crew, ``no writing about anything that could get us off the air!"
* The phone didn't work. He was met with the sound of nothing, when he tried to call someone. Suddenly, the lights in his office room went out, and six Sal Vulcano Lizard Vampires burst through the door, entering the room, hissing all at once, and slithering over to the businessman.
* As they surrounded him and started biting him, he shouted: "WHAT? WHAT IS THIS? NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!!"
* The scene cut back to the campground in Cartoon World.
* Benny: "Yeah, I was gonna tell you sooner Dora, but I, AAUGHH!"
* Benny bent forward, holding onto his stomach.
* SpongeBob: "How did this happen?!"
* Dora: "Can't you see he's giving birth, SpongeBob?!"
* Benny said, breathing heavily: "No… Not yet… Soon though… Probably…"
* Dora: "We can help keep you off your feet today, until your baby is born."
* SpongeBob: "We can?!"
* Dora punched SpongeBob's right arm.
* SpongeBob: "Ouch! I mean, uh, we can!"
* The scene cut to a big, vibrant live action city with really tall buildings(like New York City), where thousands of people were out in the streets, making lots of noise, watching as the top half of the tallest, biggest building in the city was starting to glitch out and change colors, as if there was a glitch effect being used on it. A big line of light shot up, from the top of the building, straight into the sky, as really dark clouds appeared right above the center of the light being shot into the sky, and the dark clouds swept out, reaching over the entirety of the city! People in the crowd yelled, turned to each other, and pointed at the sky! The scene cut back to Cartoon World. SpongeBob helped Benny the Bull walk to a yard chair in front of a warm campfire, on the campsite. Benny sat down on the chair.
* SpongeBob: "Here's a pillow."
* SpongeBob gave Benny a pillow to put behind his head, for comfort.
* SpongeBob: "Dora will get you something to eat."
* Benny: "Good! As long as it's something sweet!"
* Dora came out of the camping tent, holding a bowl and a spoon. She gave it to Benny.
* Dora: "It's chocolate sundae ice cream."
* Benny: "Thank you."
* Benny started eating it, then accidentally dropped the bowl on the ground, and threw up in front of the chair!
* Benny: "Ew! It's sweet!"
* SpongeBob: "I thought you said you wanted something sweet."
* Benny: "No! I need something salty!"
* "Here you go," said Dora, giving Benny a cup of french fries.
* Benny ate a few french fries, then dropped them, and sprung out of the chair, getting really sweaty!
* SpongeBob: "Are you okay?!"
* Benny: "It's coming! I can feel it!"
* Benny stood in front of the chair, shivering. SpongeBob and Dora backed up. Suddenly, a big straight line of rainbow colored light started shooting out of Benny's belly button, into the sky! SpongeBob and Dora backed up farther! The straight line of rainbow light created a black hole, that kept getting bigger and bigger! Small objects like sticks and apples started getting sucked up into the black hole!
* SpongeBob: "Hold onto something!"
* SpongeBob and Dora wrapped their arms on a tree.
* Benny: "AAAGGHHH!!!!"
* Benny got sucked up by the black hole! Then, it sucked up all five tents on the campsite, and started sucking up trees! It sucked up every tree in sight, except for the two trees SpongeBob and Dora were holding onto, then their roots came out of the ground, and got sucked up into the black hole, with SpongeBob and Dora holding on!
* As they flew into the black hole, SpongeBob and Dora yelled: "AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
* SpongeBob and Dora then appeared, floating in a bright white void. They were conscious. There was calming silence… 
* Then, Squidward appeared, wearing a light gray and yellow colored robe, saying: "SpongeBob… Dora… Come with me…"
* To be concluded in… SpongeBob And Dora: Toons On The Run!
=== (S‡) SpongeBob and Dora: Toons on the Run [January 14, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
SpongeBob and Dora are sent to the real world by a black hole opened and caused by the series, SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping, being canceled by NotJoe, the creator of the series. In the real world, reality is clashing with the realities of many different cartoons, and Sal Vulcano Lizard Vampires, creatures created by this tear in reality, are trying to attack people from the real world, because they believe one reality's population must be obliterated in order to bring peace back to the multiverse. SpongeBob and Dora find their way to an average Joe's house, who's name is Marty, and they join an alliance to try to stop all the chaos, because as Marty said, "This is my world. I'm not letting it be destroyed." They get readings on Marty's computer that seem to show the center of this tear in reality, and it's on the other side of the world, in a place called... New York City. On their journey, they run into an army of robots that look a lot like the Normbots in Phineas and Ferb the Movie Across the Second Dimension, and the robots are trying to kill all cartoon characters. In Marty's car, Marty, Dora, and SpongeBob escape the robots. Then, they have an argument, and SpongeBob and Dora storm off, leaving Marty behind. SoongeBob and Dora get to New York by themselves, and they find a brick wall, covered by flyers promoting SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping TV premeires, and someone had drawn graffiti on the posters, making the shape of a toilet. "Is this what people think of our show?" Asked Dora. "I... I think this is what they think of us..." Said SpongeBob. They both got depressed and after a montage of them moping around the city, sadly, they found themselves stumbling into a bar, and sat in it, on bar stools. They look at a menu of beverages, all of which they've never heard of before, and ask the bartender for some alcoholic be off the list. The bartend said: "You have to be 21 to drink." Dora replied: "We're cartoons. I don't think it matters... Nothing matters..."
Not-Joe forgot to finish the rest of the script. But at the end of the movie everything is revealed to be a dream.
=== (S‡) SpongeBob and Dora Go Camping: SpongeBob and Dora Go Camping Pitch Meeting [January 15, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
Ryan 1: So... You're in my office?
Ryan 2: Yes sir, I am.
Ryan 1: Why um... Why are you doing that?
Ryan 2: Because I'm here to pitch you an idea for a new SpongeBob spin-off.
Ryan 1: Right... But I thought you already pitched me ideas for a SpongeBob internet memes movie and that squid cult thing. I mean, how many SpongeBob spin-offs can you make before the formula gets kinda old?
Ryan 2: There can never be enough SpongeBob spin-offs, sir.
Ryan 1: Well ok then. So, what's this one gonna be about?
Ryan 2: I was thinking it could be a crossover series between SpongeBob and Dora.
Ryan 1: WHAT? That's an incredible idea! Milking multiple children's media icons for profit at once is kinda my thing.
Ryan 2: Mine too, sir.
Ryan 1: What's gonna be the story of this thing?
Ryan 2: The plot is that SpongeBob and Dora go camping... And in the first episode, SpongeBob and Dora go camping.
Ryan 1: Right... And so, the entire series is about them going camping?
Ryan 2: Well actually, the second episode is about them being teleported into outer space and fighting a giant alien called Swiper-Tron.
Ryan 1: Oh really?!
Ryan 2: Yes, but it's still about them going camping.
Ryan 1: How are you gonna justify that?
Ryan 2: Well, in the season one finale, SpongeBob and Dora are gonna break out of the matrix, talk to their creators, and learn that everything they've done and everywhere they went are just differently modeled parts of the campground the series takes place in.
Ryan 1: Woah! They break out of the matrix?! That's a really original premise that's never been done before!
Ryan 2: Not really. But they're also going to find out that their creators are just a bunch of stupid monkeys that smell really bad and make stupid sounding noises.
Ryan 1: I feel like that's a personal attack.
Ryan 2: I can almost guarantee it's not.
Ryan 1: Wow wow wow. But what if this series comes off as corny and low effort to people?
Ryan 2: I actually learned just recently, that if you say your series is purposely written badly, people will just except it and move on.
Ryan 1: You think critics won't complain about how bad the episodes are as long as they're written that way intentionally?
Ryan 2: Exactly. I showed my 3 month old son an episode I put together the other day, and he had nothing bad to say about it.
Ryan 1: Right... But babies can't talk.
Ryan 2: Listen, I'm gonna need you to get ALL the way off my back here.
Ryan 1: Let me get off of that thing.
Ryan 2: Ok. And I was also thinking about maybe putting some morals in a few season two episodes, like how burning trees is good for the environment, and if you listen to a math teacher, they'll just turn into a giant calculator and eat you.
Ryan 1: Oh, terrible morals are TIGHT. I never listened to my teachers, growing up, and look where I am now!
Ryan 2: That might not have been a good thing... But what do you say, do you like my spin-off?
Ryan 1: Well, it's ok. But I don't think it'll be able to run for very long.
Ryan 2: You don't think it'll last through the strides of time?
Ryan 1: No. It might get a second season, but then I'm sure it'll end.
Ryan 2: Yeah. Probably.
What You Can Expect To See In SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping Season 3 - SBFW Direct.
FridayNightStar4: Hey guys. Friday here. That was the SpongeBob And Dora Go Camping series pitch meeting. I had a lot of fun making that. This idea was inspired by an episode of Wait Wut, PolarTem created a little while ago. It's really funny. I reccomend you guys check that out, as well. Thanks for watching. Bye bye.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E2: Patrick's Funeral [January 27, 2023] {thatjess} ===
Note: SpongeBob has returned to Bikini Bottom
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The Pig family pull up outside in Mummy Pig’s car. Daddy Pig steps out.]
Daddy Pig: Right, I guess I’ll see you soon maybe?
Mummy Pig: Yeah. Thanks for a lovely Rishmas, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Same for you.
[Daddy Pig signals to Peppa and George in the backseat.]
Daddy Pig: Bye my cherubs!
[Peppa and George are too distracted by their iPads to even notice.]
Daddy Pig: Oh for God’s sake.
[Daddy Pig takes forcibly their headphones off.]
Peppa: HEY! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT FOR YOU EEJIT?!
George: Eejit!
Daddy Pig: I said, “bye my cherubs!”
George: Shut yo’ bitch-ass mouth up.
Mummy Pig: (gasps) George! Where on Earth did you get such colourful language from?
[George points at Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig.]
Peppa: Bye, Daddy.
Daddy Pig: Well I’m glad one of my children cares that I’m going back to live with SpongeBob.
Peppa: I thought you loved Mummy again now and you were going to stay with us forever.
Mummy Pig: We… we just need to figure some stuff out, Peppa. Until then, Daddy will only be with us sometimes.
Daddy Pig: But I promise Peppa, once me and Mummy Pig sort ourselves out, everything will be back to normal.
[Cut to SpongeBob answering his door. Obviously Daddy Pig is on the side. Mummy Pig has since driven off.]
SpongeBob: Ayyy, Daddy Pig! You were gone longer than expected.
Daddy Pig: I know, sorry. It really just was great to spend Rishmas with my family again. How was your Rishmas?
SpongeBob: Patrick got brutally mauled to death by a tiger. Beat him up so bad he ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Daddy Pig: Ha ha ha! What a story, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you can say that again. He broke every bone in his body.
[Gary the Snail 3 slithers in.]
Gary 3: Starfish don’t even have bones.
SpongeBob: I know, that’s how severe it was.
Daddy Pig: He’s such a plonker that Patrick is.
SpongeBob: He’s dead, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Loser.
SpongeBob: Will you cut it out, man?!
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry, I just really don’t see what the big deal is. Aren’t you overreacting just a little bit?
SpongeBob: My best friend is dead, okay?!
Daddy Pig: I thought I was your best friend.
SpongeBob: Second best friend then. I’ve known Patrick since childhood summer camp… I just can’t believe he’s gone like this. Can’t you show some respect? It’s not like we know someone who can magically bring people back from the dead or something- OH, ELMO 5!
Daddy Pig: Yeahhh.
SpongeBob: You’re a genius, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I know I am. We just need to kindly ask Elmo 5 to bring back Patrick like we did with Suzy Sheep and hopefully she will obviously say-
[Cut to Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Gary 3 talking to Elmo 5 in her house.]
Elmo 5: No.
Daddy Pig: Bitch! We didn’t drive all the way here for an hour just for you to turn us down!
Elmo 5: Elmo 5 sorry, but the “bringing people back from the dead” rulebook clearly states that Elmo 5’s magic is strictly prohibited from reviving anyone who was, mauled to death by a tiger, you said?
Gary 3: Yuh.
Daddy Pig: This is BULLSHIT! You didn’t have a bloody rulebook when you revived Suzy Sheep!
Elmo 5: Reviving Suzy Sheep caused her to go on a rampage across Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World, though. We were already in the middle of an apocalypse and Elmo 5 just escalated it to a whole new level. Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden had a LONG talk with Elmo 5, and now Elmo 5 legally have to follow the rulebook or Elmo 5 end up in jail like Chris Chan.
SpongeBob: So, there really isn’t anything you can do?
Elmo 5: Nah, Elmo 5 only allowed to revive people in emergencies now. Like when Rishi Sunak make Elmo 5 revive Margaret Thatcher.
Daddy Pig: …you revived Margaret Thatcher?
Gary 3: LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Elmo 5: Yeah. Rishi Sunak say Margaret Thatcher very nice lady who did nothing wrong.
Daddy Pig: Of course he did.
Gary 3: I love Margaret Thatcher.
Elmo 5: Actually, Elmo 5 not think Elmo 5 was supposed to tell you that. Whoops.
SpongeBob: (sighs) Well, thanks anyway Elmo 5.
Elmo 5: You’re welcome. Elmo 5 go smoke a pack of Winston’s now.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary 3 leaving the house.]
Daddy Pig: I’m so sorry for your loss.
SpongeBob: It’s okay. I did most of my crying while you were enjoying your Rishmas with your family.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
SpongeBob: I went camping with Dora though, so my Rishmas wasn’t all bad.
Daddy Pig: That’s good. I went camping with Mummy Pig once. My big tummy couldn’t fit in the tent so I had to sleep outside in the rain. Ho-ho! Good times.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? Did you just admit that your tummy is big?
Daddy Pig: Wha- No! I did not!
SpongeBob: I think you did.
Daddy Pig: I DID NOT!
Gary 3: Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard you say you have a big tummy.
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
Gary 3: If you say so.
Daddy Pig: BUT I’M TELLING THE TRUTH! MY TUMMY IS NORMAL-SIZED!
SpongeBob: Sure, Daddy Pig, sure.
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom Cemetery. A group of people are gathered for Patrick’s funeral. A couple of Bikini Bottomites walk in carrying the coffin, and lower it down into a hole.]
Mr. Krabs: Aw, why couldn’t we have had an open casket? 
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, be respectful.
Mr. Krabs: I’m sorry me boy, I just love a good funeral! They get me all acting up! 
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs is a necrophile. 
Mr. Krabs: Agagagagagagagagag!
Squidward: I thought he had severe Alzheimer’s. 
Mr. Krabs: What? Who are you?
[Janet and Marty walk up to a podium behind Patrick’s grave.]
Marty: Ahem. I’d like to, um… give a few words if you will. You know, Patrick really was a great man. Never before have I known someone with as much wisdom as he had. He truly was the best son I could had asked for.
[Cecil and Bunny Star walk up to the podium.]
Bunny: Who invited these two to our son’s funeral?
Janet: Wait, this is YOUR son’s funeral?
Marty: Oh that’s right honey, we don’t have a son!
Janet: Oh yeah.
[Janet and Marty walk off.]
Cecil: Anyway, um… I’m just gonna ignore that and get straight to the speech my wife and I prepar-
[GrandPat barges onto the podium.]
GrandPat: Shut up, yer taking too long!
[GrandPat pushes Bunny and Cecil out of the way.]
GrandPat: I’ll handle this.
Bunny: Well if you say so, GrandPat.
GrandPat: I’ve been on this planet for a LONG time, so take it as a fact when I say that Patrick was widely known as a man of extraordinary capacity and almost saintly values! After
starting his career as a lecturer in economics he rose rapidly to become the Head of the
Housing Trus-
Cecil: I don’t remember any of that.
GrandPat: Don’t you? Well, I am pretty old, my ol’ noggin isn’t what it used to be. My point is, it is an absolute DISGRACE that Patrick Star died the way he did and I know exactly who to blame - those darn dogshit LIBERALS! THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING! THEY’RE POISONING OUR WATER SUPPLY AND TURNING OUR FROGS GAY! THIS IS JUST COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! THAT COMMUNIST PEDOPHILE JOSEPH BIDEN IS RUINING OUR ONCE GREAT COMPANY AND NOW HE’S KILLED MY ONLY GRANDSON! THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN TRUMP’S AMERICA! TRUMP 2024! TRUMP 2024! VOTE FOR TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!
Cecil: Okay, father, I think it’s time you had your meds.
GrandPat: Aw, I hate my meds! Can we get a Happy Meal when the funeral service is over?
Bunny: Ooh! That’s a great idea! It could be our family meal in honor of Patrick.
[Cecil and Bunny carry GrandPat away from the podium. Squidina steps up.]
Squidina: Patrick was… not a great older brother, honestly. When I was just nine years old, he forced me to work on his stupid talk show all by myself. I honestly think I put more effort into the most half-assed episode than he ever did for the entire fucking show. Regardless, I think we will all miss Patrick Star, even if he was nothing but a massive asshole to everyone.
[Cut to Uncle Grandpa at the podium.]
Uncle Grandpa: I knew Patrick. We used to watch in the morning.
[Cut to Gary 3 at the podium.]
Gary 3: I like Margaret Thatcher. 
SpongeBob: (scolding) Gary!
Gary 3: What?
SpongeBob: Say something nice about Patrick.
Gary 3: Who?
SpongeBob: Patrick? My best friend?
Gary: …oh him. Yeah, I hardly knew him but rip bozo I guess.
[Cut to Viktor Orbán at the podium.]
Viktor Orbán: Patrick delivered my mail once to me all the way in the great country of Hungary. He was a good postman, shame he was American though. I hate America. Filthy communist pedophile Joe Biden.
GrandPat: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL THESE PEOPLE!
[Cut to Squidward at the podium.]
Squidward: Patrick was… kind of cool I guess… he wasn’t as annoying as SpongeBob, I’ll give him that.
[Cut to Cool Cat at the podium.]
Cool Cat: Patrick was EXQUISITE!!!!!
[Cut to Sandy at the podium.]
Sandy: Yeah, he was a dimwitt, sure, but… he was our dimwitt.
[Cut to Johnny from The Room at the podium.]
Johnny: I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not hit her, (throws a water bottle on the ground) I did nahhht!!!!!!
[Pause.]
Johnny: Oh hi, funeral service.
[Cut to SpongeBob at the podium.]
SpongeBob: Patrick and I were proud members of the Best Friends Forever Club. He was the smartest guy I knew and always there when I needed him most.
Squidina: LIES!
SpongeBob: Even when we fought, Patrick and I always got back together again. He was part of my life, I thought I could not go on without him but, alas… I guess I’m going to have to learn to. I am sure he is looking down on us right now and smiling.
Mr. Krabs: (fast asleep, snoring) Change the channel, Marge!
[Everyone, even SpongeBob, bursts into a fit of laughter as Patrick’s coffin is lowered into his grave.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob loves funerals. EVERYONE loves funerals!
[Fin.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E10: Orbán x Gyurcsány: Gays Making Love [February 26, 2023] {thatjess} ===
Viktor Orbán: I love you so fucking much, Ferenc.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: (blushing) I can't hide my feelings for you any longer.
Viktor Orbán: You look so cute when you blush.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: I'm sorry.
Viktor Orbán: You shouldn't be.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: I wanna be. I've never been in love with a guy before.
Viktor Orbán: Neither have I. In fact, I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone before, not even my wife. I think I'm gay.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: I also think I'm gay. Let's make gay marriage legal.
Viktor Orbán: Truth! Are you ready for this?
Ferenc Gyurcsány: R-ready for what?
Viktor Orbán: For me to kiss you.
[The two start passionately making out with each other for twenty minutes, intensely blushing as they exchange saliva.]
Ferenc Gyurcsány: Crikey.
SpongeBob: Hi I'm SpongeBob and I'm also in this episode.
[The end.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E11: Viktor Orbán Meets Simon [[March 1, 2023] {thatjess} ===
Simon: Hello.
Viktor Orbán: Who the Budapest are you?
Simon: I'm Simon from the SpongeBob SquarePants fanon series, silly!
Viktor Orbán: 
Simon: Scott the Woz reference?!!!!!!!!
Viktor Orbán: We stan Scott the Woz. He slays, sister!💅❤️
Simon: True.
Viktor Orbán: So what brings you to The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show?
Simon: No idea. Wanna play Mario Party or something?
Viktor Orbán: Okay, but I call dibs on Birdo. 
[The two go and play Mario Party together. The end.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E14: iParty with Viktor Orbán [March 9, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The wedding venue is beautifully decorated with rainbow flags, candles, and flowers; guests are seated and eagerly waiting for the ceremony to begin.]
Daddy Pig: Whose wedding is this again?
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, shush! It’s the Hungarian prime minister’s!
Daddy Pig: Ohhh… so why were we invited?
SpongeBob: He was a friend of Patrick’s, may he rest in peace.
[The wedding planner hurries around, making sure everything is in place, while the musicians tune their instruments.]
Scott the Woz: Guys, what the hell are you doing?! The wedding starts in two minutes and you haven’t even tuned your instruments yet?!
Annoying Orange: Bleh, keep yapping! We’re working on it!
Pear: Yeah, leave us alone!
Scott the Woz: Are you guys even musicians?
Midget Apple: Are you even a wedding planner?
Scott the Woz: Viktor Orbán is one of my best friends. As soon as he told me was getting married, I insisted I fly straight down here and get everything just right!
Pear: Oh yeah?! Viktor Orbán has watched every Annoying Orange video, so we’re gonna make sure our performance goes off without a hitch! Isn’t that right, Orange?
Annoying Orange: NIHNIHNIHNINIHNIHNIHNIHNIHNIHNIHN
[The door suddenly opens.]
Scott the Woz: Oh no! Places, everyone, places!
[The Annoying Orange crew begin performing an orchestrated version of their hit single “Kitchen Intruder” as Viktor Orbán walks down the aisle, looking handsome in his suit. He smiles nervously at the guests as he makes his way to the altar.]
Zoltan: He’s so sexy…
Radics Peti: Truth!
[Next, Ferenc Gyurcsány enters, looking stunning in a white wedding suit. His hair is styled in a sleek manner, and he carries a bouquet of wildflowers. He walks down the aisle with his mother, who is visibly emotional. As he reaches the altar, Viktor Orbán takes his hand, and they turn to face each other.]
Ofifciant: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the love between Viktor Orbán and Ferenc Gyurcsány. They have chosen to join their lives together in marriage, and we are honored to witness this momentous occasion.
[Viktor Orbán and Ferenc Gyurcsány begin exchanging their vows, promising to love and cherish each other for the rest of their lives.]
Viktor Orbán: Ferenc Gyurcsány, you are the love of my life. I promise to stand by your side through thick and thin, to love you with all my heart, and to always support you in everything you do.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: Viktor Orbán, you are my soulmate. I vow to be there for you always, to laugh with you in times of joy, and to comfort you in times of sorrow. I love you more than words can express.
Officiant: Alright. If anyone has any objections as to why these two should not be married, please let it out now or forever keep it in.
[Silence.]
Officiant: No one? Alright then, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now rub your nipples.
[Viktor Orbán and Ferenc Gyurcsány share their first kiss as a married couple, while the guests cheer and clap; cut to the reception hall at night. The reception is in full swing, the music is loud, and people are dancing and having a good time. Viktor and Ferenc are standing off to the side, watching the crowd.]
Viktor Orbán: (leaning in close to Ferenc) Do you want to dance?
Ferenc Gyurcsány: (smiling) I thought you'd never ask.
[They make their way to the dance floor, and the DJ plays a slow song. Viktor takes Ferenc's hand and pulls him close. As they start to sway to the music, they look into each other's eyes, lost in the moment.]
Viktor Orbán: (whispering) You look so beautiful tonight.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: (blushing) Thank you. You look handsome as well.
Viktor Orbán: (smiling) I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: (smiling back) And I'm lucky to have you.
[They continue to dance, wrapped up in their own world. As the song comes to an end, they share a tender kiss. Suddenly, the music changes and a faster song comes on. Viktor pulls Ferenc closer, and they start to move to the beat. As they dance, they let loose and start to have fun. They spin around and laugh, enjoying each other's company. The people around them watch in admiration as they move gracefully across the dance floor. Finally, the song ends, and Viktor and Ferenc take a bow to the cheering crowd.]
Viktor Orbán: (smiling) I had so much fun dancing with you.
Ferenc Gyurcsány: (grinning) Me too. Let's do it again soon.
Viktor Orbán: (nodding) Definitely.
[Guests come up to congratulate them, and they smile and thank each one of them. Later on, they cut the cake together, feeding each other with smiles and laughter. As the night comes to an end, Viktor Orbán and Ferenc Gyurcsány say their goodbyes to their guests and leave the venue, hand in hand, ready to start their new life together.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E3: Road Drip [March 14, 2023] {MrDaGuy} ===
Cold Open:
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob's Pineapple. Zoom into Daddy Pig waking up]
Daddy Pig: Ah! Such a beautiful morning!
[Daddy Pig walks downstairs]
Daddy Pig: Mornin' SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Morning, Daddy Pig. Want to welcome our new guests?
Daddy Pig: New guests?
???: I'd thought he would have noticed the fucking shadering sounds you made earlier!
???: Hey! You know it was an accident!
[The two people reveal themselves, Uncle Pig and Stanley S. SquarePants]
Daddy Pig: UNCLE PIG!? 
Uncle Pig: DADDY PIG!?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob!
Stanley: Stanley!
[Daddy Pig and Uncle Pig stare at SpongeBob and Stanley; Intro Plays]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob, why are these two even here?
Uncle Pig: Remember that thing I said at the family dinner a while back?
Daddy Pig: Yeah?
Uncle Pig: Unlike you, I never reunited with Anutie Pig! Our house even fucking burnt down!
Gary 3: Oof.
Uncle Pig: Looks like you got third Gary, huh?
Daddy Pig: Did you not get a Larry 3?
Uncle Pig: NO, OF COURSE NOT! THE PET SHOP MAY HAVE AN INFINITE SUPPLY IF GARY LOOK-A-LIKES, BUT ONLY 2 LARRYS!
Daddy Pig: Well jeez, you could have said it more calmly-
Uncle Pig: MORE CALMLY?! I SPENT CHRISTMAS AT A HOMELESS SHELTER! THE INCREDIBLY SHADY ONE!
Daddy Pig: Well it's not that bad- 
Uncle Pig: I VOTED FOR MITT ROMNEY IN 2012! NOT OBAMA!
[Everyone gasps]
Daddy Pig: YOU- YOU- Wait a second...
SpongeBob: Your not an American citizen. 
Uncle Pig: NEVERMIND THAT, DADDY PIG WAS DAD'S FAVOURITE CHILD!
Daddy Pig: MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I WASN'T EMO!
Uncle Pig: YOU'RE NOT EVEN DADS BIOLOGICAL CHILD!!!
[Pause]
Daddy Pig: Wait, WHAT?
Uncle Pig: Shit! I wasn't supposed to tell you that.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is an illegitimate child.
[Cut to desert]
???: I can't believe they cut me from the movie! Those liberals at PI! I hope they get lung cancer and die. Wait- I have a plan.
[Cut to SpongeBob's pineapple]
Daddy Pig: Ok, this is going really fast. Please explain.
Uncle Pig: Ok, me, mom, and dad where at the beach. Dad went to go rent a betamax of Star Wars Episode 1 so I started looking at seashells when I saw mom having an affair with the lifeguard! 9 month later, you where born and dad found out. We made a vow to never tell you so you would love your mother.
Daddy Pig: Wait- WE HAVE STAR WARS ON BETAMAX? EBAY, HERE I COME-
Uncle Pig: We no longer have it.
Daddy Pig: Shit.
SpongeBob: Maybe we could go on a road trip to find your parents.
Uncle Pig: I'm concerned about Stanley though, wouldn't be destroy the car?
SpongeBob: Maybe we could put him in Gary 2's indestructible Rishi cage?
Uncle Pig: Good idea!
Stanley: Wait, WHAT?!
[Cut to everyone getting in the car.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, can you drive? I'm only allowed to drive if Ms. Puff is in the vehicle with me.
Daddy Pig: Sounds good.
[The car starts driving]
Gary 3: Say, now that Patrick's dead, what's gonna become of his rock?
SpongeBob: That? There turning it into a North Korean embassy.
Gary 3: North Korea? Trump met there leader! Go Trump! Go Trump! Go Trump! Go Trump! Go Trump! Go Trump!
Stanley: I voted for Biden.
[Pause.]
Gary 3: You're not gonna wake up tommarow.
[Gary 3 looks at Uncle Pig's phone]
Gary 3: Whatta watching?
Uncle Pig: South Par-
[Gary 3 accidentally turns up the volume]
🎵 I'M GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK
GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME🎵
Uncle Pig: YOU TURNED THE VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP!
🎵FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE
HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION
I'M GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK
GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND
AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT
PEOPLE SPOUTING "HOWDY NEIGHBOR!"🎵
Daddy Pig: I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!!!
🎵HEADING ON UP TO SOUTH PARK
GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND
(unnileligable mulfed voice)
SO COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK
AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MI-
[The car crashes into a tree, nearly killing SpongeBob and Daddy Pig in the process]
Daddy Pig: HOL-Y-SHIT.
[Grandad Dog walks over]
Grandad Dog: My! You're car looks like it has seen better days! 
Uncle Pig: Yuh think?
Grandad Dog: I could fix you car for-
[Gary 3 pulls out a gun]
Gary 3: Free. You do it for free.
Narrator: Gary 3 has a gun.
Grandad Dog: Ok, ok! I'll do it for free!
French Narrator: One Hour Later...
Daddy Pig: Thanks, Grandad Dog!
Grandad Dog: No problem!
[The gang drive off; cut to them passing by the city limits sign]
Daddy Pig: Ok, we are almost to my parent's house in Yorkshire.
Uncle Pig: Didn't they move to London?
[Pause.]
 
Daddy Pig: Shit.
[Daddy Pig turns the car around]
French Narrator: One Hour Later... Again...
[The gang passes by the city limit sign that's on the other side of town from the one that was just shown]
Daddy Pig: Ok, we are almost to my parent's house in LONDON.
Uncle Pig: And this town is where they actually live!
[Zoom over to Stanley, who's in the rishi cage]
Stanley: *moans* Put me in a cage so I won't destory the entire car, they do, JUST HAVE ME WEAR INDESTRUCTIBLE GLOVES, GOD DAMNIT! *moans* 
Uncle Pig: What's bugging ya, bugger?
Stanley: Nothing, Just that I feel left out, ya known?
[Pause.]
Uncle Pig: No, I don't know.
Stanley: *sigh* No one understands me.
[Gary 3 turns around]
Gary 3: I understand you.
Stanley: You do?
Gary 3: Lol no L-Bozo + Ratio.
Narrator: Gary 3 is a cheeky little bitch.
Gary 3: Shut up!
Narrator: Gary 3 is very mean.
SpongeBob: GARY! Apologize to the Narrator right know!
Gary 3: No!
Narrator: The fact that Gary 3 is not apologizing is making me sad but also mad, so mad that I want to cause the fabric of time to collapse in on itself cause the entire universe to be ripped in half, causing there to be a left universe and a right universe that hate eachother so much they start a war that ends with the universes ceasing to exist, and thus, the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe will cease to exist. As a disembodied voice, I have the power to do so.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Wait wut.
Gary 3: I'm still not apologizing.
[Pause.]
Gary 3: I'm sorry.
Narrator: I expect your apology.
[The gang enters Woliby Way.]
Daddy Pig: Yep, my parent's house is right around the corner!
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Yeah SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I hope you find you real dad.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Also, watch out for that cliff.
Daddy Pig: What?
[Daddy Pig then accidentally drives the car off said cliff.]
All: *screaming in terror*
[Cut to black as we hear the sound of something hitting sand; fade in, everyone is in a desert]
Daddy Pig *gets up* Boy, I'm sure glad we didn't die-
???: *pulls out gun* Don't move.
[Panarama shot of desert; cut to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Who are you!? And what are your motives?
???: *breathes in* My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. This is my confession. If you’re watching this tape, I’m probably dead– murdered by my brother-in-law, Hank Schrader. Hank has been building a meth empire for over a year now, and using me as his chemist. Shortly after my fiftieth birthday, Hank came to me with a rather shocking proposition. He asked that I use my chemistry knowledge to cook methamphetamine, which he would then sell using his connections in the drug world, connections that he made through his career with the DEA. I was astounded. I–I always thought Hank was a very moral man, and I was particularly vulnerable at the time–something he knew and took advantage of. I was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. Hank took me on a ride-along and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. And I was weak. I didn’t want my family to go into financial ruin, so I agreed. Every day, I think back at that moment with regret. I quickly realized that I was in way over my head and, Hank had a partner named Gustavo Fring, a businessman. Hank sold me into servitude to this man, and when I tried to quit, Fring threatened my family. I didn’t know where to turn. Eventually, Hank and Fring had a falling out. From what I can gather, Hank was always pushing for a greater share of the business, of which Fring flatly refused to give it, and things escalated. Fring was able to arrange, uh, I guess… I guess you call it a hit on my brother-in-law, and failed, but Hank was seriously injured, and I wound up paying his medical bills, which amounted to a little over $177,000. Upon recovery, Hank was bent on revenge. Working with a man named Hector Salamanca, he plotted to kill Fring, and did so. In fact, the bomb that he used was built by me. And he gave me no option in that. I have often contemplated suicide, but I’m a coward. I wanted to go to the police, but I was frightened. Hank had risen in the reigns to become the head of the Albuquerque DEA, and about that time to keep me in line, he took my children from me, for three months he kept them. My wife, who up until that point, had no idea of my criminal activities, was horrified to learn what I had done. Why Hank had taken our children. We were scared. And I was in hell. I hated myself for what I had brought upon my family. Recently, I tried once again to quit, to end this nightmare, and in response, he gave me this. I can't take this anymore. I live in fear every day that Hank will kill me. Or worse, hurt my family. All I could think to do was to make this video and hope that the world will finally see this man for what he really is.
[Pause.]
Walter White: And I want to get revenge on the dumb shits at PI for cutting be from The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie?
Walter White: Nevermind that. 
[Walt notices that the gangs car somehow wasn't destroyed]
Walter White: Get in your car.
[The gang get in SpongeBob's perfectly intact car; Walt gets in and points a gun at Daddy Pig's head]
Walter White: Drive. Drive to the PI network offices.
[Daddy Pig drives the car into the distance; fade to the credits, where the Breaking Bad theme plays]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E4: Walter White vs. PI (Flashbacks) [March 14, 2023] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Opening of PI Headquarters. Text shows up in the screen reading "March 15, 2023". Zoom into Daddy Pig's car]
Walter White: We're here.
[Walter White gets out the car and walks towards the PI Headquarters, only for it to be closed.]
Walter White: DAMN IT!
[Walter White looks at where the car should be, only for it to gone]
Walter White: You have got to be kidding me...
[Cut to Daddy Pig fastly driving the car out of the desert]
Daddy Pig: Phew!
Uncle Pig: WE JUST LEFT A GUY STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
Daddy Pig: So?
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Short 2: Pie [March 14, 2023] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Exterior shot of "The Pie Bakery". Zoom into Daddy Pig, SpongeBob, and Gary 3.]
Narrator: This is The Pie Bakery, where everyone goes to eat pie.
Daddy Pig: *chewing* This is some good pie!
[Cut to a white screen with the text "THE END" on it as a super sped up version of the credits theme plays.]
=== (S‡) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E4: April Foolsfellow [April 1, 2023] {thatjess} ===
Note: This episode takes place in the Fools-Verse, and is not canon
[Exterior shot of the pineapple. Daddy Pig and Gary 3 are sitting on the couch.]
Gary 3: So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for the groundlings, who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy-
[SpongeBob enters, visibly distraught.]
SpongeBob: You guys! I'm sorry I'm late, but my mom slammed my hand in the car door!!!
[SpongeBob pulls out a severed hand and starts screaming in agony. Daddy Pig and Gary 3 stare unfazed, and SpongeBob suddenly bursts out into a fit of laughter.]
SpongeBob: APRIL FOOLS!
[He laughs as he reveals that the hand is a fake and his actual hand is perfectly fine.]
SpongeBob: YEAH!!!!
Gary 3: What are you, five years old?
Daddy Pig: Really?
SpongeBob: But today’s April Fools’ Day.
Gary 3: We don’t care.
Daddy Pig: April Fools’ Day is kinda for, you know, little kids.
Gary 3: That’s how we all feel.
[Gary 3 and Daddy Pig high-five.]
SpongeBob: But this school is so full of creative people! I thought for sure April Fool’s day would be a big deal here.
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: WELL IT’S NOT, TORI! SO SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
Mr. Belding: Thank you, Zack. Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut-
[The TV suddenly turns on.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) This is Perch Perkins with a breaking news report for BBN! Ken Stringfellow has escaped from solitary confinement! All the kids are crying! We go live to the scene now with reporter Diezel Raccoon. I love you so much, Diezel.
[Cut to Diezel Raccoon outside Bikini Bottom Prison.]
Ken Stringfellow: (on TV) augh im so free
Diezel Raccoon: (on TV) UwU! That Kenneth is such a silly billy! 
Perch Perkins: (on TV) Annoying Orange, do you have anything to say to our viewers at home who might be reasonably concerned about this revelation?
Annoying Orange: (on TV) Well, obviously we have a Stringfellow in Bikini Bottom. He's climbing in your windows, choppin’ yo’ people up. Choppin’ choppin’. So you better hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife And hide your husbands 'cos he's slicing everybody out there. You don't have to come and confess. We're looking for you. We're gonna find you. We're gonna find you. So you can run and tell that, run and tell that, run and tell that, knife, knife, knife, knife, knife.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Ken Stringfellow is on the loose!
Daddy Pig: MEOWCH!
SpongeBob: That’s terrible news!
Gary 3: Do you guys like Among Us?
[Suddenly, Rishi Sunak bursts into the pineapple riding a helicopter.]
SpongeBob: RISHI SUNAK?!
Rishi Sunak: Come with me if you wanna live.
Daddy Pig: But why?
Rishi Sunak: We have to stop that Stringfellow and save Bikini Bottom. It’s the only way.
SpongeBob: But it’s April Fools’ Day!
Rishi Sunak: THERE’S NO TIME, MAN! WE HAVE TO GO FIND KEN STRINGFELLOW!
Daddy Pig: I think I’m having an aneurysm.
Perch Perkins: (on TV) BREAKING NEWS! Ken Stringfellow slipped on a banana peel and is now back in custody! All the kids are cheering!
[That stock sound effect of children cheering plays. You know the one.]
Daddy Pig: BRILLIANT! I knew Ken wouldn’t be out for long.
Rishi Sunak: Oh thank God. I’m supposed to be having sex right now. Cheerio!
[Rishi Sunak flies off in his helicopter.]
SpongeBob: Whew, that was scary! Now we can get back to celebrating April Fools’ Day!
Gary 3: We already told you, it’s for little kids! So just leave us alone and let us have a normal day!
[Andrew Tate cums in and does the epic child p*** dance.]
SpongeBob: Oh hi Andrew Tate.
Andrew Tate: Hey Johnny, what’s up?
Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.
Andrew Tate: What? Well did you?
Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?
Andrew Tate: Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.
Johnny: Yeah.
Andrew Tate: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Andrew Tate: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just thinking.
Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.
Andrew Tate: Yeah man, you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. I found out about it and beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: HAHAHA! What a story, Andrew Tate!
Andrew Tate: Yeah, you can say that again.
Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.
Andrew Tate: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.
Johnny: Well maybe you should have a girl, Andrew Tate.
Andrew Tate: Yeah… Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I have one already. I don’t know yet.
Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?
Andrew Tate: Betty?
Johnny: Yeah.
Andrew Tate: Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.
Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.
Andrew Tate: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.
Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the EXPERT, Andrew Tate!
Andrew Tate: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.
Johnny: What’s bothering you, Andrew Tate?
Andrew Tate: Nothing, man.
Johnny: Do you, do you have some secrets? Why don’t you tell me?
Andrew Tate: Forget it! Forget it, dude!
Johnny: Is there some secret? Tell me!
Andrew Tate: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!
[Andrew Tate hands off the football to Johnny and exits. Denny enters, passing Andrew Tate.]
Denny: Hey Johnny.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: What’s wrong with Andrew Tate?
Johnny: He’s cranky today. Hahaha! Girl trouble, I guess. What’s new with you?
Denny: Not much. Still going to the movie tonight?
Johnny: Sure, we are.
Denny: What kind of movie are we going to see?
Johnny: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.
Denny: Alright. Let’s toss the ball around.
Johnny: Okay.
[They start tossing an American football around while talking.]
Denny: Gotta tell you about something.
Johnny: Shoot, Denny.
Denny: It’s about Lisa.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: She’s beautiful. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.
Denny: What do you mean?
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like her son.
Denny: You mean you’re not upset with me?
Johnny: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. What about Elizabeth, hunh?
Denny: Well… I love her.
Johnny: Mm-hm.
Denny: When I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry her and have kids with her.
Johnny: That’s the idea.
Denny: You’re right. Thanks for paying my tuition.
Johnny: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.
Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.
Johnny: Let’s go eat, huh? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.
[The two go outside the pineapple.]
Denny: OH MY GOD! IT’S KEN STRINGFELLOW!
[Ken Stringfellow rides by on a skateboard.]
Ken Stringfellow: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!
[Ken Stringfellow skateboards off a cliff and starts screaming in agony.]
Sparro: Like whoa.
Sylvia: Boing.
[Cut to Ken Stringfellow being rushed into hospital on a bed. Johnny follows.]
Johnny: Why, Ken Stringfellow?! Why, Ken Stringfellow?! Please talk to me!! PLEASE!!!! You are part of my life, you are everything, I could not go on without you, Ken Stringfellow!
Ken Stringfellow: (weak) Johnny…
Johnny: Huh?
Ken Stringfellow: Come closer…
[Johnny moves closer to Ken Stringfellow.]
Ken Stringfellow: (poopfellows himself to death)
Johnny: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Pink Guy from Tweenies walks in.]
Pink Guy from Tweenies: Tweenie clock, where will it stop?
[Pink Guy from Tweenies presses the button on the Tweenie clock and it does its thing. It stops on a picture of Joey from DKOldies.]
All: It’s DKOldies time!
[Cut to a DKOldies video.]
Joey from DKOldies: JewWario, you placed an order. Let’s show you how we ship it out!
[He walks past the consoles in the warehouse.]
Joey from DKOldies: Right past the N64s… and the PS2s… are the Wiis!
[He holds up a severely damaged Wii falling to pieces.]
Joey from DKOldies: And you saved a few extra bucks by going with this cosmetically flawed console! It has a couple scratches, but it has our warranty meaning it works perfectly fine! 
[Cut to Joey from DKOldies holding a really crappy off-brand Wii remote.]
Joey from DKOldies: And you got this really cool replica controller! Next, let’s grab your games!
[Cut to Joey from DKOldies grabbing JewWario’s games.]
Joey from DKOldies: You got the Ninjabread Man and M&Ms Kart Racing! Good taste! Let’s get this order packed!
[Joey from DKOldies grabs a box and violently throws the Wii console into the box, further damaging the console, followed by the shitty Wii remote. He takes the Ninjabread Man out of its case, crumbles the disc into pieces, and throws that into the box. He farts on the copy of M&Ms Kart Racing and adds that to the pile too.]
Joey from DKOldies: And since your order got picked to be filmed, I’m throwing in Ken Stringfellow’s dead corpse!
[Joey from DKOldies meticulously takes the time to wrap Ken Stringfellow’s corpse in bubble wrap and puts it in the box. He then tapes the box together and throws it out the window of the warehouse.]
Joey from DKOldies: Thanks, JewWario, your order is on its way!
[Cut to New Squidward Chat]
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward: Welcome back to New Squidward Chat. I’m Squidward Tentacles, your host! Apologies for having to briefly go off-air… again. We had a bee in the studio. Anyway, joining me now is today’s guest; it’s the one and only Chris Pratt and Charlie Day!
[Chris Pratt and Charlie Day walk in and sits down to applause.]
Squidward: How are you doing today, Chris?
Chris Pratt: I’m doing great, thanks. I just beat an old lady with a stick.
Squidward: Now, you have a new movie coming out this Wednesday. April 5th, right?
Chris Pratt: Yeah, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, and let me tell you that I spent hours of my life stomping… (thinks) KOOPAS… (thinks more) in the original Mario Bros. arcade game.
TheJasbre202: Really?
Chris Pratt: Let me tell you, I used to pull out my Sega Dreamcast and play Paper Mario: Sticker Star all day as a kid back in the 80s, you know. There is no bigger Mario fan than me.
Squidward: Who’s your favorite character to play as?
Charlie Day: There’s just something about Luigi. 
Chris Pratt: Just a raw sexual- um it’s a raw charisma. I don’t want to say it’s a sexual charisma but it- it’s like- it’s something about… it’s… (smirks) you know-
Charlie Day: It’s like that kind of nerdy quiet type that you’re like-
Chris Pratt: YEAH, yeah, got BDE.
Squidward: Yeah- 
[They both burst into a fit of laughter.]
Squidward: Our production notes focus a lot on the fact that you tried out different voices for these characters while trying to find the right one. To give us a sense of how much you were able to play with that, can you each tell me the two most polar opposite ideas that you explored while trying to find the voices for these characters before settling on what we see in the finished film?
Charlie Day: I mean, entirely in French. I was like, “Illumination, you're in France. Why don't I do this all in French?” And they said, “Do you speak French?” I said, “Not really.” And they said, “Yeah, that's not gonna work for us.”
Chris Pratt: Yeah. “But that’s not gonna stop me from doing a super stereotypical French accent.”
Charlie Day: I said, “It sounds French-ish,” and they said, “Are you saying a French accent?” I'm like, “No, some French-ish words like oitotomatoufyg2djckv” And they’re like, “You know, no one's gonna know what that is.”
Squidward: I speak French-ish, so I would’ve gotten it.
Charlie Day: Yeah, you would have gotten it. “Yeah, Mario, oitotomatoufyg2djckv.” And then they shot that one down.
Chris Pratt: Yeah, they shot that right down. Gosh, I don't know that I had big, wide choices that were all that different than what ended up. It was a little bit more, you know, slightly nuanced the differences. We tried a few different things and then, ultimately, it took probably three or four sessions before settling on what worked. And once we had that figured out, I'd get to the session, they would play back the hit list of like the 15 or 20 phrases that they had that were like, “This is the voice, this is where we want it to be.” And so once we did that, it would be like a little tuning horn. Is what they're called? Tuning horn?
Charlie Day: Yeah, a fork. Tuning fork.
Chris Pratt: He grew up in a musical family.
Squidward: Was there any trepidation to step into these roles? Especially because they do have such a long history and passionate fan base, but are mostly undefined when it comes to like a larger cohesive story?
Chris Pratt: That’s a really good point. It is largely undefined, but I think because it’s largely undefined, it kind of reduces the amount of trepidation that I personally felt coming in. I mean, you have great reach. Anytime you have IP like this, it’s really something that’s almost required these days to create a big tentpole type of movie for these studios. You have to have some kind of reach. The fact that this hasn’t been a major motion picture recently was a really great thing. And you’re right, there’s not that much familiarity beyond just what their costumes look like and a handful of catchphrases that you might hear. And knowing that it was Illumination, I was like, “Boy, I think this is destined to be a home run.” So I was really, really grateful to be a part of it.
Squidward: When the voice cast was announced, it was met with excitement but confusion and some criticism. Chris, how did you feel about that since so much of that was directed at you?
Chris Pratt: Oh, I totally get it, man. There’s a passionate fan base and I’m one of the fans. I get it. Mostly, people don’t want something like this to get screwed up. They’re precious about it. They’re careful. And I’m grateful for that.
Charlie Day: I think Super Mario Bros., really, when you think about what a video game does for people, it is a place to escape to. So people would go, after maybe having a tough day at school or in your work life, whatever it is, you put on Super Mario Bros., you play for an hour and you just disappear into that land and that world. So in many ways, the game had taken care of people, I think, in a way that they don’t want the franchise messed up at all. So I think they’ll be really happy when they see the movie two, three, maybe four times in the theater. To see that Illumination has really done a great job with it, and it’s been in really good hands, and the attention to detail for those people who are huge Super Mario Bros. fans? They’re giving the audience what they want. So I think they’re going to be pleased.
Squidward: So, there you have it. The Super Mario Bros. Movie is playing Wednesday April 5th. 
Chris Pratt: Tickets are on sale now, don’t miss it. 
Squidward: That’s it for this week’s New Squidward Chat. Join us next week where I’ll be interviewing Nikocado Avocado! Singing us out is Grammy award-winning global pop sensation Ariana Grande-Butera!
[The crowd cheers as the greatest singer of all time walks onto the stage.]
Ariana Grande: Here I am, once again
Feeling lost but now and then
I breathe it in to let it go
And you don't know where you are now
Or what it would come to, if only somebody could hear
When you figure out how
You're lost in the moment, you disappear
You don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action
You're never gonna fade, you'll be the main attraction
Not a fantasy, just remember me
When it turns out right
'Cause you know that if you live in your imagination
Tomorrow, you'll be everybody's fascination
In my victory, just remember me
When I make it shine
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Short 3: New Super SpongeBob and Daddy Pig U Deluxe [April 5, 2023] {???} ===
[Opening shot of the Peppa Pig World theatre.]
Narrator: This is, yet again, the Peppa Pig World theatre, because one short located at the cinema wasn't enough.
SpongeBob: Wow... The Super Mario Bros. Movie!
Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are going to see The Super Mario Bros. Movie.
SpongeBob: I've been waiting for this movie since the end of the 3rd season in this show!
Daddy Pig: ...What show?
(Pause)
SpongeBob: ...Oh, nothing. Come along, Daddy Pig.
[They walk towards the snack counter.]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBoooob, can we get a pick n mix this time?
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, the last time you bought a pick n mix, you spent so much, we went broke and our lives were nearly ruined.
[Flashback sequence to an exterior shot of SpongeBob's house at night. Through one of the lit up windows, silhouettes of Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig are arguing, with a silhouette of SpongeBob in the middle trying to calm everyone down.]
Narrator: Oh dear, it seems Daddy Pig blew all their money on pick n mix!
(Present)
Daddy Pig: I'll be more careful with our money this time!
[Daddy Pig drops to the floor and throws a tantrum.]
Daddy Pig: IT'S NOT THE SAME! IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME! LEMME GET A PICK N MIX OR I'LL CUMFELLOW IN YOUR MOUTH!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is a tad bit frustrated.
[Daddy Pig causes a scene. Everyone unfortunate enough to be in Daddy Pig's presence tries their best to look away.]
SpongeBob: Alright, well I'm getting my popcorn and going in.
[Daddy Pig doesn't hear SpongeBob and continues throwing a fit. He sees SpongeBob walking towards the snack counter.]
Daddy Pig: SHIT! Wait for me!
[He gets on his feet and catches up to SpongeBob.]
Daddy Pig: I haven't been to the toilet!
SpongeBob: *Sigh* Please be quick!
Daddy Pig: I'll be as fast as I can!
[Daddy Pig rushes for the loo.]
(4 and a half minutes later...)
SpongeBob: Where is he? They're probably already on the trailers at this point...
[Cuts to the theatre. Pink Guy from Tweenies appears on the movie screen.]
Pink Guy from Tweenies: Tweenie clock, where will it stop?
[He presses the button on the Tweenie clock and it does its thing. It stops on a picture of a trailer.]
Everyone: It's trailer time!
[Trailer starts. Sparro appears on the movie screen.]
Sparro: Like whoa...
IN A WORLD...
[Sparro looks off onto the horizon.]
WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...
[Sylvia walks over to Sparro.]
Sylvia: Boing.
Sparro: Like whoa...
[It cuts to Scott the Woz in the audience, looking on in confusion and worry.]
Scott the Woz: No... No, this can't be!
(Pause)
[It cuts to Daddy Pig in the lavatory, red in the face.]
Daddy Pig: Aaaauuuugggghhhh! This is ridiculous.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
(Pause)
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?!
[Daddy Pig calls out from the stall.]
Daddy Pig: Hang on! I'm... just finishing up!
[Daddy Pig curses to himself.]
Daddy Pig: Shit. I'm never eating KFC again.
[It cuts back to the trailer.]
Sparro: Whoa... Whoa! *Boing*
Sylvia: Boing!
[Sparro looks Sylvia in the eyes. Sylvia leans in for a-]
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE
[The trailer finishes, revealing the title, and it cuts back to Scott the Woz in the audience.]
Scott the Woz: WHAT IS THIS?! THIS ISN'T OHIO, THIS IS THE ANIMAL CROSSING: AMIIBO FESTIVAL MOVIE!
[Scott the Woz is yet again taken away by employees.]
Scott the Woz: ELMO 5!
Narrator: Oh dear! It doesn't seem like Elmo 5 went to see the Super Mario Bros. Movie...
Scott the Woz: ELMO 5!!!
[Pink Guy from Tweenies appears on the movie screen again.]
Pink Guy from Tweenies: Tweenie clock, where will it stop?
[He presses the button on the Tweenie clock and it does its thing. It stops on a picture of a movie.]
Everyone: It's movie time!
[It cuts to SpongeBob getting incredibly impatient outisde the toilets.]
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG! WHERE ARE YOU?!
[Daddy Pig calls out from the bog.]
Daddy Pig: I'm sorry! My tummy's been feeling funny since we had dinner last night! Never tried KFC before!
SpongeBob: WELL, THE MOVIE'S MOST LIKELY STARTING RIGHT NOW, SO YOU'D BETTER BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!
Daddy Pig: Yes, SpongeBob...
[Daddy Pig tears up.]
Narrator: Oh dear, Daddy Pig is being a bit of a baby.
Daddy Pig: Hey? What?
(12 seconds later...)
SpongeBob: THAT'S IT! I'M COMING IN THERE!
Daddy Pig: No way! You can't come in the dunny now!
SpongeBob: I don't care!
Daddy Pig: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
[SpongeBob marches in and jumps over the stall door. It lingers on an exterior shot of the stall as Daddy Pig screams. It cuts to inside the stall.]
Daddy Pig: YOU FUCKING PERVERT!
SpongeBob: Can't stop now!
[SpongeBob pulls Daddy Pig by the arm.]
Daddy Pig: Let go!
[SpongeBob ignores him and mutters to himself.]
SpongeBob: Can't believe this is why I'm missing the Super Mario Bros. Movie...
[SpongeBob storms through the hallways, pulling Daddy Pig, who hasn't even got the chance to pull his pants and trousers back up, or even wipe his bum, along with him.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig didn't even get the chance to wipe his bum...
[Daddy Pig breaks free and rockets back to the poo station.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig has broken free and is racing back to the poo station!
[SpongeBob gives up and screams so loud, he explodes.]
(Meanwhile...)
[It cuts back to the theatre.]
[Patrick senses something.]
Patrick: My SpongeBob-being-very-fucking-pissy senses are tingling...
Patrick: ...OH SHIT-
[The whole cinema explodes.]
[Fin]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E5: SpongeBob the Therapist [April 20, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are sitting on a sofa in a therapy office. The clock keeps ticking as Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig nervously await the therapist to open their mouth.]
Therapist: So… do tell me… 
[The therapist spins around revealing themself to be Sparro.]
Sparro: …when did this all begin?
Mummy Pig: Sparro?!
Sparro: Like whoa.
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob recommended him. He’s supposed to be really good.
Sparro: Hasn’t been a couple I haven’t sorted out yet. So, as I was saying, where did this start?
Daddy Pig: March 16, 1979. I remember it well… or at least I remember what my parents told me about it. It was a Friday and my mother was in the kitchen making dinner when suddenly her tummy started kicking and-
Mummy Pig: Oh shut up, you twat!
Daddy Pig: What did I do now, ya wanker?!
Mummy Pig: He means when did WE begin, not when you were fucking born, you plonker!
Daddy Pig: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A PLONKER?!
Mummy Pig: Of course I did, you plonker!
Daddy Pig: HOW DARE YOU! 
[Daddy Pig turns to Sparro.]
Daddy Pig: DID YOU HEAR THAT, SPARRO?! MY WIFE CALLED ME A PLONKER! I REALLY CAN’T BELIEVE HER SOMETIMES! THE BLOODY CHEEK OF IT! I WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY TO PUT BREAD ON THE TABLE, AND SHE CALLS ME A PLONKER! Mummy Sheep never called me a plonker.
Mummy Pig: Oh, here we go again! You’re always comparing me to Mummy Sheep, aren’t ya? He cheated on me with her, you know, Sparro.
Daddy Pig: And I’d do it again! I can’t believe I dumped her and came back to you.
Mummy Pig: YOU DIDN’T DUMP HER! SHE CAME OUT AS A LESBIAN AND LEFT YOU!
Daddy Pig: SAME THING INNIT?!
Mummy Pig: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT THE SAME THING?!
Daddy Pig: IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME THING!
Sparro: Fuck this.
[Sparro stands up and walks of out the therapy office.]
Daddy Pig: Some counsellor he is. He just fucking walked out in the middle of our session!
Mummy Pig: Unbelievable. 
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob and Gary 3 are watching iCarly.]
Carly: (on TV) What you got there?
[Cut to Spencer with an ostrich.]
Spencer: (on TV) A smoothie.
[Laugh track; SpongeBob and Gary 3 burst into a fit of laughter.]
SpongeBob: This show’s amazing!
Sam: (on TV) I think she meant the gigantic bird.
Gary 3: Didn’t Sikowitz say that Sam was roommates with one of his students once? 
Peppa Pig Narrator: Sikowitz used to live with SpongeBob, Gary 3 and Daddy Pig.
Gary 3: He said she reminded him of Ariana Grande or someone.
SpongeBob: I don’t know. I try to forget a pedophile used to live with us.
[Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: Augh.
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig. How was couples’ counseling?
Daddy Pig: Don’t even ask. I’m cream crackered.
SpongeBob: Oh. So it didn’t go well?
[Daddy Pig falls down on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: I said don’t even ask!
SpongeBob Well oka-
Daddy Pig: THAT’S THE FIFTH THERAPIST WE’VE BEEN TO AND EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS WALKED OUT ON US!
SpongeBob: I’m sorry. I thought setting you up with Sparro would work. I’ve heard nothing but great things about him.
Gary 3: Nah, apparently his therapist work is just a side hustle for his human trafficking scheme.
Daddy Pig: What?
SpongeBob: GARY! Sparro is not a human trafficker!
Gary 3: Oh yeah? Then where’s Nicola Bulley, hm?
SpongeBob: She drowned in that river!
Gary 3: There’s no proof.
SpongeBob: The police literally found her body!
Gary 3: That could have been anyone’s body.
SpongeBob: HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN ANYONE’S BODY?!
Gary 3: Sparro is worse than Andrew Tate, I’m telling ya.
SpongeBob: I thought you stanned Andrew Tate.
Gary 3: I do! Human trafficking is only bad when Sparro does it.
SpongeBob: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SPARRO?!
Daddy Pig: GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN! I’m sure Sparro is a lovely lad, but… well… I just think that maybe… Mummy Pig and I getting back together wasn’t such a good idea after all.
SpongeBob: What?! That’s crazy! You’re closer than Nick and Charlie!
Daddy Pig: We have an argument basically every time we’re together!
SpongeBob: That just means you love each other!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know if that’s true.
SpongeBob: Well, you both want to get back together, right?
Daddy Pig: I mean… I think so?
SpongeBob: (stands up) Then I won’t let my best friend fall out of this relationship again!
Daddy Pig: I thought Patrick was your best friend.
SpongeBob: He’s dead.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, I will be your therapist and fix you and Mummy Pig!
[Pause; Gary 3 and Daddy Pig start laughing.]
SpongeBob: …what? What did I say?
Gary 3: SpongeBob, you’re the least qualified therapist I know.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, I’m sorry SpongeBob but you’ve never been… um… the best with emotions, if you know what I mean. Yesterday you cried over spilled milk.
SpongeBob: It was limited edition Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy milk!
Daddy Pig: I’m really sorry SpongeBob but I think I’ll just try and look for another therapist and, well, if they can’t help… I guess we’ll have to split.
SpongeBob: NO!! I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU! Trust me, Daddy Pig…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh, alright then.
SpongeBob: YESSS! Thank you, Daddy Pig, I won’t let you down!
Daddy Pig: I’m going to make Coco Pops.
[Daddy Pig walks off.]
Gary 3: …I still think Sparro took Nicola Bulley.
SpongeBob: Fuck off.
[Bubble transition; SpongeBob’s living room has been converted into a makeshift therapy office. SpongeBob is wearing a smart pair of glasses as Daddy Pig lies opposite him on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: I’m having second thoughts about this.
SpongeBob: Relax, Mr. Pig. I’m sure our session will commence swimmingly.
Daddy Pig: Why are you talking like that?
SpongeBob: Is- Is this not how therapists talk?
Daddy Pig: No. Also, I’m a bit of an expert on grammar and I’m pretty sure “commence” means begin.
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Daddy Pig: You said the session will “commence” “swimmingly”.
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Daddy Pig: You’re implying it won’t end “swimmingly”.
SpongeBob: It will be fine, I promise.
[A knock is heard at the door.]
SpongeBob: It’s open!
[Mummy Pig walks in.]
Mummy Pig: I still can’t get used to the fact that you live in a pineapple, SpongeBob. Thanks again for offering to help us out.
SpongeBob: Please, Mummy Pig, I just like to help out.
[Mummy Pig sniffs the air.]
Mummy Pig: Are you wearing Ariana Grande perfume?
SpongeBob: Sweet Like Candy. You like it?
Mummy Pig: Sureee.
[Mummy Pig notices Daddy Pig’s fat ass lying down on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: Hi Mummy Pig!
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Soooo… heh, where should I sit?
SpongeBob: Oh, anywhere is fine.
Mummy Pig: Oh. Daddy Pig, could you- actually I’ll just sit on the floor.
[Mummy Pig sits cross-legged on the floor.]
SpongeBob: So, in order to fix your relationship all we have to do is remind you both how you fell in love in the first place, acknowledge what made you two fall out, and then resolve said conflict. It’s pretty easy, actually.
[Mummy Pig raises her hand.]
SpongeBob: Mummy Pig, I’m trying to talk here.
Mummy Pig: Sorry, but, um… have you actually done any therapy work before?
SpongeBob: Absolutely none. Now, as I was saying-
Mummy Pig: I think I’d rather go back to Sparro.
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig! SpongeBob’s trying to help us out here. He let me stay with him for the past couple of years, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Actually, that last part was a lie. But I do think we should hear him out!
Mummy Pig: Ugh, fine. I just don’t see how he could do better than any of our other bloody autistic therapists.
SpongeBob: Hey! I am NOT bloody! But anyway, I think to begin we should discuss how you two met.
Mummy Pig: Awww, you remember our cute meet, don’t you, Daddy Pig?
[Daddy Pig is fast asleep.]
Mummy Pig: DADDY PIG!!
Daddy Pig: Eh?! What?
SpongeBob: I was asking how you met.
Daddy Pig: Oh, yeah…
[Flashback to when Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig first met at the Peppa Pig World McDonald’s. A young Daddy Pig is in line for a Big Mac. Mummy Pig approaches the counter.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, could I please have a chicken salad and a McFlurry please?
Miss Rabbit: (behind the counter) Of course! That’ll be two pounds please.
[Mummy Pig gives her the money.]
Miss Rabbit: Thank you! Have a nice day!
[Mummy Pig gets in the queue to wait for her food.]
Daddy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: You ordering the chicken salad?
Mummy Pig: Um… you were listening in on my order?
Daddy Pig: Well I, uh… I’m just glad another person in this joint has good taste.
Mummy Pig: (laughs) Oh, stop it, you!
Daddy Pig: The name’s Pig. Daddy Pig.
Mummy Pig: I’m Mummy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I ordered a Big Mac if you, um… if you wanna share.
Mummy Pig: You know what? Sure. I still have an hour of my lunch break.
[Cut back to the present.]
Mummy Pig: He only wanted my McDonald’s but I kinda respected that, you know?
Daddy Pig: I went in line for a Big Mac and walked home with a big man- WOMAN! Big woman! I’m not gay!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has repressed homoerotic feelings.
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT!
Mummy Pig: Big woman? Are you calling me fat?
Daddy Pig: Maybe.
[The two laugh.]
Daddy Pig: We got married and a couple years later we forgot to use a condom and Peppa was born! I couldn’t ask for a better lesbian daughter.
Mummy Pig: Same. And then a few years later we got a diabetic autistic son!
Daddy Pig: Maybe he’s a lesbian too.
Mummy Pig: Maybe.
Daddy Pig: Maybe the real lesbian is the friends we made along the way!
[The two laugh again.]
SpongeBob: See? You two DO like each other! Being a therapist is even easier than I thought! Why can’t you be like this all the time?!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! I mean, it’s all Mummy Pig’s fault that we fell out in the first place!
Mummy Pig: …what?
Daddy Pig: I’m just saying, it’s all your fault that we fell out in the first place!
Mummy Pig: …m- my- my fault?! How the fucking hell is it my fault?!
Daddy Pig: Well you’re the one who kicked me out of my own home! You can’t deny that, woman!
Mummy Pig: I’m not denying that, you bitch-ass-motherfucker! I kicked you out because you fucked Mummy Sheep and Miss Rabbit!
Daddy Pig: THOSE WERE ONE-TIME THINGS!
Mummy Pig: YOU GOT BACK WITH MUMMY SHEEP THE SECOND I KICKED YOU OUT!
Daddy Pig: SHE HAS A VERY DEEP PUSSY! And I broke up with her in the end, didn’t I?
Mummy Pig: SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE REALISED SHE DOESN’T LIKE MEN!
Daddy Pig: SAME FUCKING THING, INNIT BRUV!
SpongeBob: Please stop…
Mummy Pig: IT’S NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AT ALL, “BRUV”!
SpongeBob: Help me.
Mummy Pig: YOU ARE THE LOUSIEST AND SCUMMIEST EXCUSE OF A MAN I HAVE EVER MET!
SpongeBob: why are we here? just to suffer?
Daddy Pig: I’M THE MANLIEST MAN WHO EVER MAN’D! YOU COULD NEVER DO BETTER THAN ME!
Mummy Pig: I DID DO BETTER THAN YOU! WITH MR. BULL!
Daddy Pig: YOU HAD SEX WITH FUCKING MR. BULL?!!!!!!!
Mummy Pig: YES! AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW IT WAS THE BEST ORGASM I EVER HAD!
SpongeBob: None of that please.
Mummy Pig: OH SHUT UP, YOU TWAT! I’M JUST MAKING A POINT!
Daddy Pig: WHAT POINT?!
Mummy Pig: THAT MR. BULL TREATED ME BETTER THAN YOU EVER DID!
Daddy Pig: OH REALLY?! HOW CAN YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR GETTING ENGAGED TO MUMMY SHEEP WHILE YOU WERE OFF SUCKING OFF MR. BULL, HUH?!
Mummy Pig: WHO SAID THIS WAS HAPPENING WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET MARRIED WITH MUMMY SHEEP?!
Daddy Pig: …what?
Mummy Pig: …what?
Daddy Pig: This was… BEFORE I was with Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Pig: …yeah? Why?
Daddy Pig: You were with Mr. Bull when I was still with you?
Mummy Pig: …yeahhhh?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Pig cheated on Daddy Pig.
[Daddy Pig starts crying.]
Mummy Pig: Wh- what’s the matter?
Daddy Pig: Sp- SpongeBob was right! We really are perfect for each other!
[Daddy Pig starts intensely blushing as he passionately makes out with Mummy Pig. Gary 3 walks in.]
Gary 3: Hey guys, I learnt morse code!
[Gary 3 notices Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig making out.]
Gary 3: Bye.
[Gary 3 leaves again.]
SpongeBob: Um guys, could you please-
[The two continue making out.]
SpongeBob: Should I-
[The two start taking their clothes off; SpongeBob covers his eyes.]
SpongeBob: I’M GONNA GO!
[SpongeBob runs out after Gary 3; bubble transition to SpongeBob, Gary 3 and Daddy Pig outside the pineapple. Daddy Pig is holding several suitcases. Mummy Pig, Peppa Pig and George Pig are waiting in Mummy Pig’s car.]
SpongeBob: So… heh. I guess… this is it?
Daddy Pig: …yeah, I, uh… I guess so.
SpongeBob: We’ll- we’ll still see each other, right?
Daddy Pig: …yeah, uh, yeah, of course! Of course we’ll still see each other! I just can’t wait to wake up every day and see my kids again.
SpongeBob: Yeah… I know this is for the best. It’s just that…
[SpongeBob breaks down in tears.]
SpongeBob: I’LL MISS YOU SO MUCH, DADDY PIG!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig embrace.]
Daddy Pig: (crying) I’LL MISS YOU TOO, SPONGEBOB!
Gary 3: Augh, get a room!
[Mummy Pig honks her horn.]
Mummy Pig: Come on, Daddy Pig!
Peppa: There’s a big muddy puddle back home that we saved just for you!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig stop hugging. Daddy Pig wipes his and SpongeBob’s tears away.]
Daddy Pig: I’m not good with technology, but I’ll WhatsApp you as soon as I get home, okay?
SpongeBob: What’s WhatsApp?
Daddy Pig: Ugh, you stupid American!
SpongeBob: You stupid Brit!
[The two hug again and Daddy Pig hops in the car with his suitcases.]
Daddy Pig: Well, what are we waiting for?! Let’s go!
[Mummy Pig starts the engine.]
Peppa: Bye, SpongeBob!
George: Bye-bye!
Mr. Dinosaur:
SpongeBob: Bye Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Bye SpongeBob!
[The Pig family drive off; SpongeBob starts crying again.]
Gary 3: What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: …I’ll miss that bastard.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: OH!
[SpongeBob rushes back inside the house; cut to the Pigs’ car driving off. Don’t You (Forget About Me) from The Breakfast Club is blasting on the radio.]
Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig: 🎶WON’T YOU COME SEE ABOUT ME?🎶
🎶I’LL BE ALONE, DANCING, YOU KNOW IT BABY🎶
🎶TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES AND DOUBTS🎶
🎶GIVING EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT AND🎶
🎶LOVE’S STRANGE, SO REAL IN THE DARK🎶
[SpongeBob starts chasing after the car holding a sock which blows in the wind.]
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG!!!!!!!! DADDY PIG!!!!!!!
Peppa: Daddy!
Daddy Pig: What?!
Peppa: SpongeBob’s following us!
Mummy Pig: WHAT THE-
[Mummy Pig stops the car in the middle of the road. SpongeBob keeps running and knocks into it. Daddy Pig gets out of the car and runs towards the rear end, where SpongeBob is lying on the floor.]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob?!
[Daddy Pig picks SpongeBob up.]
Daddy Pig: What in God’s name are you doing?
[SpongeBob passes Daddy Pig the sock.]
SpongeBob: You forgot your cumsock. 
[Don't You (Forget About Me) continues playing as the credits begin to roll.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E1: The SpongeBob and Ariana Grande Show [May 3, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Birds-eye shot of London. Ariana Grande is in her trailer on the set of Wicked: Part One, only in cinemas November 27, 2024.]
Ariana Grande: (scrolling on her phone) OH MY GODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCOOTER!!!
[Scooter Braun rushes in.]
Scooter Braun: Yes my little money maker- I mean Grammy winner?
Ariana Grande: The Kids' Choice Award was more prestigious, honestly.
Scooter Braun: What’s wrong?
Ariana Grande: They leaked footage of me on-set!
Scooter Braun: Oh no, anyway-
Ariana Grande: This is so fucking annoying.
Scooter Braun: It was inevitable and it boosts sales, who cares?!
Ariana Grande: I CARE! I read the things they write about me, hear what they're saying on the TV, it's crazy. It's getting hard for them to shock me, but every now and then it's shocking. Don't blame me, I know it's the life that I chose but baby I'm grateful, I want you to know. I'm happy for the love and all of the above. If I'm being honest. I done been through way too much.
Scooter Braun: And this my problem because…?
Ariana Grande: You acting like you got me at a bargain sale, you don’t even care. You’re my manager for God’s sake! I just want to breathe for five minutes, is that too much to ask? Can’t you just like find somewhere quiet nearby for me to lay low when we’re not filming?!
Scooter Braun: Bitch what you talking about?
Ariana Grandre: If you don't want to do the things I need from you, goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Goodbyeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scooter Braun: Ugh, fine. I’ll find a quiet place for you.
Ariana Grande: Thanks Scooter, I love you.
[Meanwhile in SpongeBob’s pineapple…]
SpongeBob: Ugh. It’s so boring around here without Daddy Pig.
Uncle Pig: I know, right? The place really feels different without an overweight British pig who is also a father in the house. 
Stanley: Yeah…
Peppa Pig Narrator: Uncle Pig and SpongeBob’s cousin Stanley live with SpongeBob now apparently.
SpongeBob: I miss Daddy Pig much!
Uncle Pig: I don’t. That fucking twat.
SpongeBob: Hey! He’s your brother!
Gary 3: What? He’s just being true and honest like my lord and savior Chris Chan.
Stanley: I thought your lord and savior was Andrew Tate.
Gary 3: Times change.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob working at The Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is making Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: 🎶Yeahhhh one two princes kneel before you. That’s what I said now. Princes, princes who adore-🎶
[Squidward pokes his head out from his boat.]
Squidward: SCUMBOB!
SpongeBob: GAH!
[SpongeBob starts intensely blushing.]
SpongeBob: Squ- Squ- Squidward! You’re so masculine when you yell.
Squidward: We got an order for a dozen vegan pat- (blushing) Wait? Really? You like my voice?
SpongeBob: Well I-
Squidward: Heh.
SpongeBob: Hm.
[The two try to conceal their flustered faces.]
Squidward: Anyway, um, we need the patties pronto!
SpongeBob: Got it, Squidward!
Squidward: Hey, what’s the matter? You seem off today?
SpongeBob: I don’t know… it’s nothing really.
Squidward: I can tell when something’s wrong.
SpongeBob: Well it’s just that it’s weird with Mr. Krabs in a retirement home now, and now Daddy Pig’s gone too and- oh I just can’t take it! It’s too much change!
Squidward: Well… change is inevitable. You can’t always rely on constants in your daily routine but… maybe you just need a new constant?
SpongeBob: What do you mean? Like a new roommate or something to replace Daddy Pig?
Squidward: Isn’t Daddy Pig’s brother? Uncle Pig living with you now?
SpongeBob: Yeah, why?
Squidward: Is he not like Daddy Pig?
SpongeBob: Nah, they’re nothing alike. I need a new cool roommate that I get along with and stuff.
Squidward: A new… (starts intensely blushing) you want a new roommate? One that- tha- that you get along with?
SpongeBob: Yeah! That’s a GREAT idea, Squidward! You’re the best!
[SpongeBob drops everything and runs out of The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: NEW ROOMMATE, HERE I COME!
Squidward: Where the FUCK are you going, ScumBob?!
[Perch Perkins approaches Squidward.]
Perch Perkins: Hey, did- did he just leave?
Squidward: We’re uh… we’re closing early today apparently, sorry.
[Squidward puts on a sleep mask and some earmuffs and lays down in his booth.]
Perch Perkins: Am I still getting those vegan patties?!
Squidward: Squidward is not here right now. Please leave a message after the tone.
[The Krusty Krab’s customers murmur in frustration; cut back to Ariana Grande and Scooter Braun. Scooter is scrolling on his phone.]
Scooter Braun: Okay, I’ve got up a list of the top five best hotels in London. Just take your pick, no price is too high.
Ariana Grande: Nooo! You don’t get it! I said I wanted somewhere quiet to lay low!
Scooter Braun: Okay, um… how about the Four Seasons at Park Lane?
Ariana Grande: The Four Seasons…? Really, bruv?
Scooter Braun: Sonic the Hedgehog went to the Four Seasons in Hawaii, the London branch wouldn’t be that good but I’m sure it’s still-
[Ariana snatches Scooter’s phone from him.]
Scooter Braun: Hey!
Ariana Grande: Just forget it, okay! I don’t want a five star hotel, I just need a small place less than an hour away.
Scooter Braun: (scoffs) What?! You mean like in Peppa Pig World or somewhere? You’re a mega star for God’s sake!
Ariana Grande: Oh my God!
Scooter Braun: What?
Ariana Grande: There’s some guy in Bikini Bottom who wants a new roommate! He looks so cute!
Scooter Braun: Pathetic, more like.
Ariana Grande: Stop! We’re going to Bikini Bottom, now! Take me all the wayyyyyyy! Ain’t nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob’s house; SpongeBob is vacuuming when the doorbell rings.]
SpongeBob: I’ll get it!
[SpongeBob opens the door and Ariana Grande is standing there.]
SpongeBob: MO-MO-MO-MOT-MOTH-MOTH-MO-
Ariana Grande: Mother has arrived.
[SpongeBob faints. Gary 3 slithers over to SpongeBob’s unconscious body.]
Gary 3: Oh no, not again!
[Gary 3 notices Ariana.]
Gary 3: Hey, I know you! You’re Kim Petras!
Ariana Grande: Really?
[Bubble transition to the three talking on the couch.]
Ariana Grande: -so like, I just need to like crash here for a little little while. I ain’t tryna sign no lease, I’m just gon’ make you my home. If that’s okay with you obviously.
SpongeBob: Of course it’s okay! (laughs) I’ve been desperate for a new roommate since Daddy Pig left!
Ariana Grande: Daddy Pig? 
SpongeBob: He’s a daddy and he’s a pig.
Ariana Grande: Oh right, that makes sense. Thank you so much, SpongeBob was it?
SpongeBob: It’s an uncommon name, and it’s no problem, Ms. Grande-Butera. 
Ariana Grande: Actually “Ari” is fine.
SpongeBob: Sweet! So, like… could I get anything for ya?
Ariana Grande: Oh, I don’t wanna be a burden or anything.
SpongeBob: No, no, I really don’t mind making you some bubble tea or something.
[Uncle Pig and Stanley walk in.]
Uncle Pig: Hey! You’ve never offered to make ME some bubble tea before!
[The two notice Ariana.]
Stanley: Who’s that?
Ariana Grande: I'm Ariana Grande and if that's not interesting enough, don't talk to me.
Uncle Pig: UGH. Isn’t she the guy stupid GAY people listen to?
SpongeBob: Don’t worry about him, Ari. He’s just a little homophobic but he’ll grow on you.
Uncle Pig: I’m NOT homophobic! I’m an ally!
Stanley: And you wonder why Auntie Pig kicked you out.
Uncle Pig: (mockingly) “And you wonder why Auntie Pig kicked you out.” I’m going to go take a fat shit.
[Uncle Pig walks off into the bathroom.]
Ariana Grande: I didn’t realise there were so many eccentric people living here.
SpongeBob: You get used to it after a while.
Ariana Grande: I just really want to get away from people, you know? Stop drawing attention to myself and stuff.
[Ariana sniffs the air.]
Ariana Grande: Are you wearing my perfume?
SpongeBob: Sweet Like Candy. Why?
Ariana Grande: Shut up! You have great taste, sister.
SpongeBob: (giggles) Thanks. It’s weird being complimented by a celebrit-
[Squidward bursts in.]
Squidward: SCUMBOB!
SpongeBob: (blushing again) Squ- Squidward?
Squidward: I didn’t know you were friends with Ariana Grande!
SpongeBob: Well I don’t know if I’d call us “friends” yet bu- …how did you know she was here?
Squidward: Gary 3 sent a message in the group chat.
Gary 3: Yo.
[Squidward violently shakes Ariana Grande’s hand.]
Squidward: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Grande! I’m your BIGGEST fan! You probably don’t remember me but I’ve been to all your world tours!
Ariana Grande: Oh my gosh! That’s so cool! Bikini Bottomites are so kind. But I really just want to be on my own right now, if that’s oka-
[Sparro walks in.]
Sparro: Like whoa! Is that Ariana Grande?
[Sylvia also appears.]
Sylvia: Boing.
SpongeBob: Oh no.
Ariana Grande: How many people are in this group chat of yours?
Gary 3: A lot.
Ariana Grande: Jesus Christ.
[Ariana Grande stands up and walks towards the front door.]
Ariana Grande: I’m so sorry, SpongeBob. I’m just going to go for a quiet walk for a while and then I’ll be strai-
[A huge crowd of people begin blocking the door.]
Squidina: Hey! It’s true! Ariana Grande’s here!
[The crowd cheers.]
Pearl: I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!
Suzy Sheep’s ghost: SLAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Madame Gazelle: I LOVE YOU ARIANA!
Mrs. Puff: I LOVE YOU ARI!
Larry the Lobster: I LOVE DONALD J. TRUMP!!!!!!!!!
[Bubble transition; at this point, the pineapple is now overflowing with people and a huge rave is taking place. Touch It by Ariana is blasting at full volume from the speakers.]
SpongeBot678: 🎶CAUSE EVERYTIME I SEE YOU I DON’T WANNA BEHAVE! I’M TIRED OF BEING PATIENT SO LET’S PICK UP THE PACE!! TAKE ME ALL THE WAYYYYY!!!!!!!! AIN’T NOBODY GONNA TOUCH IT, TOUCH IT, TOUCH IT!🎶
Ariana Grande: I DON’T EVEN LIKE THIS SONG!
SpongeBot678: I DON’T CARE!
Ariana Grande: THAT IS A BETTER SONG FROM THAT ALBUM!
Jess: I PREFER JASON’S SONG!
Scooter Braun: Oh my God, I love Jason’s Song!
[Note: the joke is that Jason’s Song is basically a Scooter Braun diss track.]
[Nicki Minaj walks in.]
Nicki Minaj: Yo, Ariana, come let me give you a high five.
Poy: YO NICKI MINAJ!
Nicki Minaj: I’m the queen of rap, young Ariana run pop.
Ariana Grande: Nicki? What are you doing here?
Nicki Minaj: Wouldn’t miss one of my best friend’s parties for anything.
Ariana Grande: This isn’t my party!
[The camera pans up to Boris Johnson half-naked and swinging on a chandelier.]
Boris Johnson: THIS PARTY IS LIT!
Uncle Pig: BORIS?!
SpongeBob: Aren’t you supposed to be in prison for murdering Suzy Sheep!
Boris Johnson: Yeah, but I LOVE a good party!
Ariana Grande: THIS ISN’T A PARTY!
Nicki Minaj: What?
Ariana Grande: I don’t want any of these people here! I just want to be on my own!
Nicki Minaj: Now I’m the bad guy, call me Chun-Li.
Chef Pee Pee: Has anyone seen Junior?
[Jason Derulo walks in.]
Jason Derulo: Ayo Chef Pee Pee! My main man!
Snoop Dogg: Chef Pee Pee, my G! I didn’t know you were at this dope party, dawg.
Ariana Grande: IT IS NOT A PARTY!!!!!!
Boris Johnson: That’s what I tried to tell the police when the Granolavirus was going on, but they didn’t listen. It’s okay, your secret’s safe with us, Ariana.
Liz Truss: Ariana? I thought this was a Taylor Swift party.
[Taylor Swift walks in.]
Taylor Swift: It’s me, hi.
Squidward: TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE TOO?! Someone hold me, I’m gonna faint.
SpongeBob: Please don’t. This is going to be a mess to clean up.
Gary 3: That’s your problem, not mine.
SpongeBob: GARY 3!
Gary 3: What?
SpongeBob: This IS your problem!
Gary 3: How the fuck is it my problem? All I did was send a mass text out to everyone in our group chat talking about a sick party with Ariana Grand- oh yeah this is all my fault. Whoops.
SpongeBob: We’re going to have a long talk once this is over.
[Steven from The Room approaches Gary 3.]
Steven: I agree with that. How could you do this?! You make me sick. You’re going to DESTROY Ari, she’s VERY SENSITIVE.
[Johnny from The Room walks in.]
Johnny: Thank you Ariana Grande, this is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
Ariana Grande: THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTY!
Johnny: Hahaha! You must be kidding, aren’t you?
Ariana Grande: EVERYONE BETRAY ME! I FED UP WITH THIS WORLD!
[Ariana Grande storms outside. Everyone stares in silence.]
Johnny: That’s my line… 🙁
[SpongeBob follows Ariana Grande outside. She is sitting by SpongeBob’s front door. SpongeBob sits next to her.]
SpongeBob: I… I’m sorry about all this.
Ariana Grande: …it’s okay. It’s not your fault.
SpongeBob: …
Ariana Grande: …
SpongeBob: You just wanted some space, huh?
Ariana Grande: …yuh.
SpongeBob: …you know, sometimes things just don’t work out. I wanted my roommate Daddy Pig to stay with me instead of moving back in with his bitch-wife so I thought having a new roommate, you, would make me feel better. …it didn’t.
[Johnny joins the two.]
Johnny: Don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.
SpongeBob: Exactly, Johnny from The Room (2003), exactly… I wish I knew that before.
[Pause.]
Ariana Grande: You know, SpongeBob and Johnny from The Room (2003)? I think you’re both right.
SpongeBob: We are? 
[Ariana Grande stands up.]
Ariana Grande: Yuh!
SpongeBob: All I did was give some vague speech-
Ariana Grande: SpongeBob, I love you but I’m going back to my London residence tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck what people think about me anymore.
SpongeBob: Oh. When I said you replacing Daddy Pig didn’t make me feel better I didn’t think you’d take that as an invitation to lea-
Ariana Grande: I AM ARIANA GRANDE-BUTERA AND I CAN DO ANYTHING!
SpongeBob: But I don’t want you to go bac-
Ariana Grande: I AM GOING TO GO BACK IN THERE AND PARTY LIKE NO TOMORROW!
[Ariana Grande heads back into the party; bubble transition to the next day. SpongeBob, Gary 3, Uncle Pig and Stanley are slumped on the couch as usual, surrounded by the mess of last night’s party. Uncle Pig pukes into a bucket.]
Uncle Pig: Ugh… I’m sorry, guys. I’m so hungover right now.
Stanley: It’s okay, it’s okay.
Uncle Pig: I wish Dua Lipa didn’t have to leave us for her five-figure mansion in London.
SpongeBob: Ariana Grande. And it’s a six-figure mansion. Also, I thought you said her music was for gay people.
Uncle Pig: I don’t fucking know, I can’t think straight. Brad Pitt is so fucking hot man.
Stanley: Did Daddy Pig also have homoerotic thoughts after getting drunk?
SpongeBob: Yeah…
Uncle Pig: I wanna pass out cuddling his muscles…
SpongeBob: Me too, man, me too.
Gary 3: Let’s just watch The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Stanley: I’m on it.
[Stanley picks up the TV remote and it catches fire.]
Stanley: Oh.
[Fin]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E14: iParty with Viktor Orbán [Sometime between March 9 and May 31, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[Later, Viktor and Ferenc are moving into their new home, with boxes scattered around the living room. They work together to unpack their belongings, laughing and joking as they go. We see a montage of their new life. Viktor and Ferenc are painting the walls of the living room together, giggling as they accidentally splash each other with paint. We then see the two of them assembling furniture, taking breaks to share a kiss or a loving embrace. Viktor and Ferenc then plant flowers in the garden, smiling as they watch their new home become more and more beautiful. The couple also lay in bed together at night, talking and planning their future.]
=== (V) The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show S1E1: Faith [May 31-June 2, 2023] {Zoltan40} ===
[The episode begins on May 31, 2023, where Orbán walks into the kitchen where his husband Gyurcsány is making bacon and eggs]
Orbán: Good morning, dear.
Gyurcsány: Oh, good morning, Orbi. And happy birthday.
Orbán: Thank you! What's for breakfast?
Gyurcsány: Er, nothing special, just bacon and eggs.
Orbán: Yummy!
[Gyurcsány places the bacon and eggs onto Orbán's plate, with the bacons arranged like the number 60]
Orbán: Aw, you shaped them like the number 60! That's how old I am.
Gyurcsány: Heh, yeah.
Orbán: Wow, thank you. I just… I love you so much, Feri.
[Orbán kisses Gyurcsány]
Gyurcsány: (blushing) Oh it's… Really nothing.
[The two look deeply into each other's eyes with affection, then Orbán starts eating his bacons]
Gergely Karácsony: W rizz.
[Orbán spits his bacons out]
Orbán: What the?! Karácsony?
Gyurcsány: W-what are you doing in our house?
Karácsony: Oh, I just wanted to wish Orbán a happy birthday.
Orbán: Uh, thanks, but did you really have to break into our house for this? I was trying to enjoy a nice breakfast with my wonderful hubby.
Karácsony: Also, I just wanted to remind you that you scheduled a costume party in the Parlament today.
Orbán: Of course! I almost forgot! Gyuri, would you, uh, like to come with me to the costume party?
Gyurcsány: O-of course! I would really… like… that.
Orbán: Okay, let me finish my bacons first though.
[Orbán continues eating his breakfast]
Karácsony: …Would you like me to prepare your fursuit?
Orbán: Yes please.
[The theme song by Rick Astley begins as scenes from the series play]
If there's anything you need
All you have to do is say
You know you satisfy everything in me
We shouldn't waste a single day
So don't stop me falling
It's destiny calling
A power I just can't deny
It's never-changing
Can't you hear me, I'm saying
I want you for the rest of my life
Together forever and never to part
Together forever we two
And don't you know
I would move Heaven and Earth
To be together forever with you
[Cut to Orbán walking into the Parlament dressed as Tamás the Turul with Gyurcsány, who is dressed as a grouse]
Orbán: Good morning, fellow furries.
Ádám Kósa: Ah, hello Mr. President! Do you like my goatsona?
Orbán: I am the prime minister, but yes.
Kósa: Yippee!
Gyurcsány: Hm, very exquisite party this is.
Orbán: Yes, we spent all of the taxpayer's money on this.
Gyurcsány: I see.
[Péter Márki-Zay appears dressed as a catboy]
Péter Márki-Zay: Oh hey, Orbán… This is your birthday party if I'm not mistaken.
Orbán: Yes, indeed. But, why are you here? I thought you went back to your pathetic little shack in the woods.
Péter: Well, I just really wanted to be here for your birthday, since you're the prime minister and stuff. And I must say, you look quite gorgeous today.
Orbán: I am married.
Péter: Oh right. The prime minister is a homosexual. Truly a great country we live in. Woohoo.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Orbán: Hey, if you don't like this country, then move to Brussels.
Péter: NO! I AM A PURE BLOODED HUNGARIAN! MY FATHER WAS HUNGARIAN! MY MOTHER WAS HUNGARIAN! I WAS BORN HERE AND I WILL DIE IN THIS COUNTRY! I LOVE HUNGARY! And that's why I will win the 2026 elections. The people here don't really fancy homosexuals.
Orbán: Well, we'll seeee.
Péter: You can give up already. Everyone knows I'm a better leader anyway.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Péter: Well yes, but I don't see how that affects my prime ministerial skills.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Péter: OH SHUT UP! I'M LEAVING THE PARLAMENT FOREVER! BYE UNFRIENDING!
[Péter storms out of the building]
Orbán: Ugh, this Péter guy just had to ruin the party… Whatever, it's time to reveal the real reason why I invited all of you here…
[Orbán takes off his fursona and Gyurcsány turns down the lights]
Orbán: Now I realize that you guys have probably heard about Putin, who is still at war with Ukraine. Apparently, it's a big deal. People are calling it the event of the century and stuff like that. But am I upset? No, I am not! A little, but… we have had a pretty good year for ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book.
[Everyone starts celebrating and start chanting the word 'raises']
Orbán: No, no raises. You're not going to get any raises.
[The celebration stops]
Orbán: So, what did we do? Well, we had a visit from Pope Francis!
[Even bigger celebration]
Orbán: Yeah, that's how I roll! But that's not all. We passed a law against immigration… Which resulted in a protest where five people got arrested. And I won't even mention the Balaton Park Circuit… and the other protest in Budapest. Okay, I wasn't going to tell you about this yet, BUT I have been working on something very big! Something that will blow this Ukraine thing out of the water! And thanks to the efforts of my good friend Elon Musk…
Elon Musk: Thank you!
Orbán: Oh, there he is! Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the true event of the century. We are going to steal…
[Orbán starts escalating as he pauses for dramatic effect]
Orbán: THE MOON!
[Everyone starts cheering]
Orbán: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back! And I will be the greatest prime minister of all time!
Gyurcsány: Yeah! I'm so proud of you, Orbi!
[Orbán goes down to Gyurcsány]
Orbán: And don't worry, I didn't forget about you! Once I get the moon and become the king of the world, you can be… The duke!
Gyurcsány: Uh, thanks.
Karácsony: My fursona is a horse.
[Orbán checks his watch]
Orbán: Oh, it's church time! Party over! Church is more important. Uh, Karácsony, can you clean up this mess for me?
Karácsony: Yuh.
Orbán: Great. Okay, let's go, Feri.
Gyurcsány: Okie.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány sitting down in church]
Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, it is truly an honour to gather with you today to celebrate the unyielding strength and profound beauty found in our Christian faith.
[Orbán is smiling]
Priest: And today, we shall celebrate the birthday of the one and only prime minister of this amazing country: Viktor Orbán!
[Everyone starts clapping as Orbán walks to the priest]
Norbert: Yeah! Let's go, Victor Morbin!
Norbert Mom: Quiet, dear.
Orbán: Thank you, thank you, it's truly an honour to be here with you today… So, where's my present?
Priest: Well, since it is your birthday, why don't we just shut up about Christ and party?
Gyurcsány: I don't know, I think we should continue the normal church thing, it is the Lord's Day after all…
Priest: Nah.
[A disco ball lowers and everyone starts bussing it down and hitting the griddy]
Norbert: WOOOOO!
Orbán: This is amazing!
Gyurcsány: Eh, I might as well…
[Gyurcsány does the epic Őszöd dance]
Priest: And this isn't all! Pastor, bring in the cake!
[The pastor brings in a life-sized statue of Viktor Orbán made out of cake]
Orbán: Oh my god… It's so gorgeous…
[Orbán eats it all in one bite]
Priest: Good gracious, not even SpongeBot from Full Server could do that!
Orbán: Augh I'm so full.
Gyurcsány: I knew this wasn't a good idea.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány walking out of the church]
Gyurcsány: Uh, thanks for the party, Mr. Priest.
Priest: You're welcome, I'd do anything for the prime minister and his husband. I'm getting a raise for this though, right?
Orbán: Raise? I can barely even afford to keep myself alive. I'd rather give myself a raise.
Gyurcsány: I uh think you should discuss this with him later, he's a bit lightheaded from all the cake.
Priest: Of course.
[The two start walking away]
Gyurcsány: Well that was an interesting church service.
Orbán: Yes indeed. It's amazing that they could craft such a beautiful cake.
Gyurcsány: Yeah it was quite handsome, like you. They really replicated your looks perfectly.
Orbán: Well I uh… Thanks.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány drinking chocolate milk at their house]
Orbán: Mm… This chocolate milk is delicious.
Gyurcsány: I spent the whole afternoon on it.
Orbán: It was very worth it. It's the best chocolate milk I have had in my life, and that's saying a lot.
Karácsony: Sir, it is 5 PM and you instructed me to remind you to go for a walk in order to lose weight at this time.
Gyurcsány: WHY ARE YOU STILL IN OUR HOUSE?!
Orbán: Oh right, I need to lose some weight. And I must go alone because of plot convenience.
Gyurcsány: Uh, you should be careful, someone might try to assassinate you or something.
Orbán: I'll be careful, but there's no way I could get killed. The people here love me! And for good reason, since I am the second coming of Christ.
Gyurcsány: Well still, maybe something will happen to you that will change how you see the world and how you live.
Orbán: Perchance.
Gyurcsány: Bye honey.
[Cut to Orbán walking down a path in a forest. He is whistling the Himnusz]
Orbán: Ah, there's nothing else quite like the joy of being a proud, pure-blooded Christian Hungarian.
[Orbán sees a bench]
Orbán: Phew, this exercise is quite exhausting. I might as well sit down here.
[Orbán sits down; after a few seconds a massive beam of light appears on the path]
Orbán: WHAT THE RÁK?! JESUS, IS THAT YOU?!
[Out of the light walks a JewWario apparition]
JewWario: You are honored very much. You are a favored man. The Lord is with you. You are chosen from among many men.
[Orbán is troubled at JewWario's words]
JewWario: Viktor, do not be afraid. You have found favor with God. See! Once you believe in Talking Ben as the true God and pray to Him and me every night, your soul shall become pure, but once you stray from the path of God, your soul shall become tainted, and to Hell you will be sent to, where the sinners of the world reside.
Orbán: But… I… I am a proud Christian.
JewWario: Change your ways, Viktor, and you shall get treated well by God
Orbán: I just… Didn't you die? Is this real?
JewWario: Yes, I am real. I have returned from Heaven in order to communicate with you. Talking Ben talked to me over 9 years ago. He told me that He was the true God, and that I need to sacrifice myself in order to cleanse humanity of its sins. And so I did. But soon, I shall return in human form, and all the non-believers shall perish, and only the true and honest Benists shall live past it.
Orbán: Oh my God…
JewWario: Be good, friend, and convert to Benism. In one week I shall return, and you shall prove your worth.
[JewWario disappears, leaving Orbán confused]
Orbán: Wow… What just happened? I… my whole life I have believed in and loved Jesus, but….
[Cut to Orbán Gyurcsány what happened]
Orbán: And then he told me to convert to Benism and deny Jesus…
[Orbán begins crying and Gyurcsány comforts him]
Gyurcsány: Aw, Orbi, don't cry. This is surely just God trying to test you.
Orbán: I don't know… Like, JewWario killed himself… He, uh, he did awful things. He can't be in God's kingdom. He's supposed to be rotting in Hell, yet…. Maybe Benism is the true religion.
Gyurcsány: Well, that is a possibility.
Orbán: Yeah… Maybe, I should do some research on Benism.
Gyurcsány: Perchance.
Orbán: You can't just say perchance…
[Cut to Orbán reading the Benist Bible]
Orbán: "In the beginning when Talking Ben created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from Talking Ben swept over the face of the waters." Wow, this sounds a lot like the Christian Bible. Ugh, why am I even trying to believe in this? It's obviously just a Bible copy…
[JewWario appears behind Orbán]
JewWario: My child, why are you doubting the truth?
Orbán: JewWario? You're back? So is this all real? Are you really the messiah?
JewWario: Of course, Viktor. Don't you understand that the Christian faith is purely a misunderstanding of the true and honest Benist faith?
Orbán: I don't know. Pretty sure Jesus came before you did.
JewWario: Jesus was a false messiah, Viktor. The people thought he was the Son of God, but in reality he was just blessed by Talking Ben to be able to do stuff. Talking Ben gave him powers so he could convert people to Benism, but instead his believers started a new religion.
Orbán: Really? Wow, that is a lot.
JewWario: I understand that it may not be easy, but you need to understand, Talking Ben is the real god, and I am the real messiah.
Orbán: I'll try my best, JewWario.
[JewWario disappears and Orbán goes back to reading the Benist Bible; cut to him finishing it by next morning as Gyurcsány walks in]
Gyurcsány: Hey, Orbi. Wow, did you really spend all night reading the Benist Bible.
Orbán: Oh, I guess I did.
Gyurcsány: So… What do you think? Are you going to convert?
Orbán: Ehhhh. It's just that I've been raised Christian my whole life. Church is the most important thing in my life. But now this JewWario guy comes in and tells me that everything I knew was wrong and I need to convert…
Gyurcsány: Well, I personally think that if the messiah came down from Heaven and told you to convert to Benism, you probably should.
Orbán: Huh, maybe you're right.
Gyurcsány: Whatever. Do you want to have breakfast?
Orbán: Of course!
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány eating breakfast in front of a really big TV where a news report is happening]
Hungarian News Reporter: And uh, a child who was drafted by the Ukrainian military has died in a grenade accident.
Other News Reporter: Really? That's awful. I can't believe that a child was drafted into the war. Their parents must really have hated him.
Hungarian News Reporter: Roll the footage, please.
[Cut to Gary the Born Baby carrying grenades in Ukraine]
Soldier: GARY! BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE GRENADES! YOU COULD TRIP AND-
[Gary trips and all of the grenades explode despite the fact that that is not how grenades work]
Soldier: NO!!! NOT GARY THE BORN BABY!
[Zoom in on Gary dying]
Gary: Oh dear. I am certainly in a pickle right now. Uh, Aleksandr, tell my parents that they suck for drafting me.
Soldier: Okay…
[Gary stops existing; cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány crying watching TV]
Orbán: Wow, the world can really be cruel sometimes.
Gyurcsány: Yeah… Wanna make out?
Orbán: Yeah!
[The two begin kissing]
Karácsonyi: Uh, sir, are you going to work today?
Orbán: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Gyurcsány: AND GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
Karácsonyi: Okay, geez, I'm trying my best.
[Karácsonyi leaves; cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány at church]
Orbán: Well, this may or may not be the final time I come here.
Gyurcsány: Orbi, if you don't want to convert to Benism that's fine.
Orbán: No, no, I just wanted to come here a final time before moving on.
Priest: AHEM! Uh, hello once again audience!
Norbert: Hi church guy!
Priest: Yes, hello small child. So uh, today we shall discuss the worst thing in the history of humanity: Benism!
Orbán: WHAT?!
Priest: Quiet, please. Uh, Benism. The false religion that teaches that the universe was created by Talking Ben. I don't think I need to explain how stupid and blatantly false this is. And then the Benists say that the messiah is JewWario… Like, whoa! They're worshipping a sex offender!
[Orbán stands up]
Orbán: I'm sorry to interrupt you priest, but I'm afraid you've been misinformed. Benism is very cool and epic. And no, JewWario was not a sex offender. The people who say that are just xenophobes who hate Benists.
Priest: Uh, please sit down and, uh, stop interrupting my service.
Orbán: I can't believe you're teaching all the vulnerable people such hateful things. The Catholic Church has truly gone downhill and I will not stand for this.
Priest: Pastor, please get rid of this annoyance.
[The pastor walks to Orbán]
Orbán: Don't try to stop me from spreading the truth.
Pastor: Eh, I can't really do anything besides asking you nicely to leave.
Orbán: You know what? I will! I'm leaving church forever!
Priest: Good. And take your gay husband with you too.
Gyurcsány: Wow…
[Orbán and Gyurcsány walk out; the church is filled with silence for a few seconds as nobody quite knows what to say]
Norbert: What a meanie. He's worse than Eddy from Duolingo!
Priest: Uh, back to what I was saying.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány at their house]
Gyurcsány: Um, that just happened.
Orbán: Ye.
Gyurcsány: I guess you made your mind up about Benism.
Orbán: Ye. I'm Benist now!
Gyurcsány: That's cool. Honestly, I was never really into Christianity before. Perhaps I should convert to Benism as well.
Orbán: Well, if you want to, then sure.
Gyurcsány: Okay.
[Pause]
Gyurcsány: So whatever happened to your wife?
Orbán: My, uh, wife? Oh, she, uh, she divorced me.
Gyurcsány: Really? Did she find out about our affair?
Orbán: Oh, no, I only made love with you after the divorce.
Gyurcsány: Huh, yeah, that makes sense.
Orbán: Ye.
[Pause]
Orbán: What about your wife?
Gyurcsány: She never loved me. I only married her so my parents wouldn't call me a disappointment. We're still married, but I haven't really seen her in… A few years.
Orbán: Ah.
[Pause]
Gyurcsány: Well I think you should do some important prime ministerial paper work stuff.
Orbán: Yes, of course.
[Orbán's ex-wife Anikó Lévai bursts in through the window]
Anikó: ORBI!
Gyurcsány: God! Can you people stop breaking into our house?
Orbán: Anikó?! Did you, uh, did you hear about us talking about you?
Anikó: Yep. I hid cameras all over this house to keep you in check.
Orbán: What the fuck.
Anikó: So uh…
Gyurcsány: Do you want to-
Anikó: I kind of want to get back together with you, Orbi.
Orbán: Hm, I don't know about that.
Anikó: Come on! Please! I'm so lonely without you. Our children miss you…
Orbán: Anikó, our children are all adults.
Anikó: Okay, but… I love you.
Orbán: Weren't you the one who wanted to divorce.
Anikó: Well… Yeah but…
Gyurcsány: Anikó, Viktor is happily married with me.
Anikó: BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT…. I CAN COOK BREAKFAST BETTER!
Orbán: Fake news.
Anikó: Real news.
Orbán: Anikó, please, our relationship just didn't work out that well.
Anikó: Well fine. I guess I will just tell the press that you are a putrid BENIST.
Gyurcsány: Are you blackmailing him into marrying you?
Anikó: Yuh.
Orbán: I don't knowwww…
Anikó: Think about it! You can do anything! You can go anywhere! You just need to remarry me…
Orbán: Nah.
Anikó: You shouldn't have done that, Viktor Orbán! You'll rue this day, you'll rue it!
[Anikó jumps out of the window]
Orbán: Ok.
Gyurcsány: That was strange.
Orbán: What does rue even mean?
Gyurcsány: Whatever, back to work.
[Cut to them watching the news where Péter Márki-Zay is being interviewed the next morning whilst eating cereal]
Orbán: There's no way Anikó told the news about me being a Benist.
News Reporter: Uh, in other news, the Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán and his gay husband have been revealed to be Benist, according to Orbán's ex-wife Anikó Lévai.
Péter Márki-Zay: HAHAHA! WHAT A LOSER! GET A LOAD OF THIS FUCKING RETARD!
[Orbán spits his cereal out]
Orbán: That fucking bitch.
Gyurcsány: Oh no. Orbán, the people now know that we're both gay and Benist. Those are like the two most hated non-ethnic groups in Hungary…
Orbán. We're not in a very good situation right now.
[Gyurcsány opens Twitter]
Gyurcsány: Ah, they already doxed us.
Orbán: Well it was bound to happen eventually.
Gyurcsány: Fucking hell.
Orbán: Hey, hey, I know the perfect solution! Let's start a rumor about her!
Gyurcsány: That doesn't seem very nice.
Orbán: So? She just ruined our lives!
Gyurcsány: Well, she did, but… Alright, alright, let's calm down. We made it through the homophobia, surely we can make it through the Benphobia.
Orbán: You think so?
Gyurcsány: Well, if we believe hard enough…
Orbán: Gyurcsány, even if I get impeached or something for this, I won't really mind. I'll be happy as long as I'm with you.
Gyurcsány: I love you, Orbán.
Orbán: I love you too…
[The episode ends with the two passionately making out]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E2: Krbby Ptties [June 8, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. A huge single-file line of angry customers stretching far outside the restaurant are impatiently waiting for their orders. Cut to the interior, Squidward anxiously hides from the chaos in his booth.]
Grandad Dog: Come on, mate! We just want our patties, innit bruv?
[Squidward pops out from his booth.]
Squidward: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Squidward? You know what? I haven’t got FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!
[Chris-R pulls a gun out on Squidward.]
Chris-R: I’m going to ask you again, Squidward. Where’s my patty?
Squidward: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: WHERE’S MY PATTY, SQUIDWARD?! WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?! WHAT’D YOU DO WITH MY FUCKING PATTY?!
Squidward: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?!
Squidward: Put the gun down.
[Mark and Johnny enter.]
Chris-R: MY FUCKING PATTY! WHERE’S MY FUCKING PATTY, SQUIDWARD?!
[Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette suddenly materialize out of thin air.]
Lisa: WHAT’S GOING ON PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP!
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police!
[Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R out of The Krusty Krab. A glass of water is thrown toward Squidward. It smashes against the wall.]
Squidward: ALRIGHT I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!!! THE KRUSTY KRAB IS NOW CLOSED!!!! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I START HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!!!!!
[Pause. All the customers are suddenly calm now.]
Nat Peterson: Oh, you suffer from anxiety? 
Fred Rechid: Why didn’t you say so?
Miss Rabbit: We’re so sorry.
[The customers chatter amongst themselves as they all leave. Squidward lets out a heavy sigh of relief.]
Squidward: What the actual FUCK has gotten into SpongeBob?!
[Squidward walks into the kitchen.]
Squidward: SPONGEBO-
[Phillip Schofield is manning the grill.]
Squidward: You’re not SpongeBob.
Phillip Schofield: For the last time, I’m not a groomer!
Squidward: I didn’t say you were, even though you are.
Phillip Schofield: I AM NOT!
Squidward: Where’s SpongeBob? Why are you here?
Phillip Schofield: He said he had some important business to do in the manager’s office. Isn’t that right, Gordon the Gopher?
[Phillip Schofield holds up his left hand, which has a very scared Gordon the Gopher puppet quivering on it.]
Gordon the Gopher: Please… help… me…
[Squidward barges into the manager’s office.]
Squidward: Okay SpongeBob, you need to tell me exactly what’s going on and why Phillip Schofield is in our kitchen!
[SpongeBob is asleep on Mr. Krabs’ former desk. Squidward snaps his fingers in SpongeBob’s ears and he hastily wakes up.]
SpongeBob: Huh? What? Oh hi, Squidward. I was just dreaming about you!
Squidward: Were… were you asleep?
SpongeBob: No.
SpongeBob’s inner voice: I think he bought it.
Squidward: I’m not buying that.
SpongeBob’s inner voice: Fuck.
SpongeBob: I’m so so so sorry, Squidward!!!
Squidward: It’s… (sighs) it’s fine, it’s fine. What’s gotten into you?
SpongeBob: It’s just… well… (sighs) I’ve wanted to be The Krusty Krab’s manager for as long as I can remember! But… I don’t know. Ever since Mr. Krabs retired I feel like… it’s just been too much work for me. I can’t be manager and fry cook at the same time!
Squidward: I… I understand. I think. Why can’t we just hire some more employees?
SpongeBob: Cost of living crisis. I can’t find anyone willing to take less than minimum wage.
Squidward: So why’s Phillip Schofield here?
SpongeBob: Found him on the streets this morning. He was practically begging for a job.
Squidward: You know that guy’s a criminal, right?
[Phillip Schofield bursts in.]
Phillip Schofield: What I did was unwise, but not illegal!
SpongeBob: It probably should be illegal.
Phillip Schofield: SHUT UP- Hey, why’s Plankton trying to steal the formula?
SpongeBob: Plank-?
[SpongeBob and Squidward turn around to find Plankton trying to crack the safe.]
SpongeBob: PLANKTON!
Plankton: Hi.
[SpongeBob picks Plankton up and places him on his desk.]
SpongeBob: Trying to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula again? Some things never change.
Plankton: No, no! I swear on my life I wasn’t!
Squidward: Then what were you doing, hm?
Plankton: I was just… uh… trying to find the restroom!
SpongeBob: Don’t you have toilets at the Chum Bucket?
Plankton: Yeah but these ones are nicer. I love the soap. Anyway, I couldn’t help but overhear your little dilemma. 
Squidward: And?
Plankton: And I think I may have a solution.
Squidward: I doubt it. Why don’t you just scram back over to the Cum Bucket and leave me and my scrunkly alone!
SpongeBob: (smirks) “Cum Bucket”, that’s a good one- (blushes) Wait did you call me your scrunkly?
Squidward: (blushes) I, uh- actually we’ve changed our minds, Plankton! We’d LOVE to hear your solution!
Plankton: EXCELLENT! Now if you’d just follow me to my laboratory, I’d be more than happy to elaborate.
Phillip Schofield: Can I come? 
Plankton: Fine. Just stay in the corner and don’t touch anything.
Phillip Schofield: LET’S GO, I’M INCLUDED!
[Cut to the group in Plankton’s laboratory.]
Plankton: So, you were saying you need some extra employees, huh?
SpongeBob: Yuh. Except we don’t have any money to hire any people.
Plankton: Pfffft… people are overrated. Why hire people when you can hire…
[Plankton shows off a robot.]
Plankton: …a machine! Introducing - PlankGPT!
Squidward: Oh god, we’re doing an AI episode.
Plankton: That’s right, Squidward! AI is the future, don’t you know? PlankGPT is fitted with the latest artificial intelligence and it can do anything a human can do, but better!
SpongeBob: Ooh! Anything?
Plankton: Anything.
SpongeBob: How does it work?
Plankton: Just ask it to do something and it’ll do it.
SpongeBob: Um…. okay. Hi PlankGPT. 
PlankGPT: Hello! How can I assist you today?
SpongeBob: Can you… uh… mop the floor?
PlankGPT: Okay.
[PlankGPT takes out a mop and a bucket of water and begins mopping the floor.]
SpongeBob: Wow…
Plankton: Impressive, huh?
Squidward: PlankGPT?
PlankGPT: Yes?
Squidward: Could you massage my back?
PlankGPT: Certainly.
[Cut to PlankGPT massaging Squidward’s back.]
Squidward: Ah… this is nice.
Phillip Schofield: PlankGPT? Could you get me out of my child grooming allegations?
PlankGPT: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such serious allegations, but I cannot assist you with legal matters. It's important to consult with a qualified attorney who specializes in criminal defense as soon as possible. They will be able to guide you through the legal process, provide advice specific to your situation, and ensure that your rights are protected. It's crucial to take these allegations seriously and address them through the appropriate legal channels.
Phillip Schofield: Kill yourself.
SpongeBob: We’ll take it.
Plankton: Woah, woah, woah! Did you really think I was letting you have my baby for free? There’s a cost of living crisis, I need money!
SpongeBob: But- but- we need money too!
Plankton: Hmmm… we could trade for it. One secret formula for one AI?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Aw.
SpongeBob: You could have Phillip Schofield though.
Plankton: Why would I want him?
Phillip Schofield: I will be good, I promise. I’ll do anything.
Plankton: Fine. But only because I don’t have many evil friends to talk to.
Phillip Schofield: I’M NOT EVIL, JUST UNWISE!
Plankton: Have fun with your AI, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Have fun with your pedophile!
[Bubble transition to The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Wow! This AI sure is cool, eh Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, sure, whatever.
SpongeBob: First I got it to repaint the entire restaurant, and then I got it to clean the toilet, and I even let it act as the security guard last night!
[Cutaway to PlankGPT in SpongeBob’s office at night watching the security cameras. Freddy Fazbear pokes his head out from behind PlankGPT. Cut back.]
Squidward: It’s made things easier around here, I guess.
SpongeBob: I wonder what else it can do.
Squidward: Aren’t you supposed to be on grill right now? Your break ended five minutes ago.
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m letting PlankGPT do it today.
Squidward: Oh.
SpongeBob: You hadn’t noticed?
Squidward: I usually just sit here in my booth all day, take orders and read the Gay Times.
[PlankGPT walks out of the kitchen with a tray of food.]
PlankGPT: Table seven?
[Cut to Johnny sitting at table 7.]
Johnny: That’s me. 
[PlankGPT gives Johnny the food.]
Johnny: How much is it?
PlankGPT: That’ll be eighteen dollars. 
[Johnny pays.]
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change.
[Johnny notices a dog next to him and he pets it.]
Johnny: Hi doggy.
PlankGPT: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
PlankGPT: Bye-bye!
[PlankGPT walks off. Johnny takes a bite of his Krabby Patty and immediately spits it out.]
Johnny: Why?! Why is this happening to me?! Why?!
[SpongeBob and Squidward rush over in a panic.]
SpongeBob: What’s wrong, Johnny?!
Johnny: This Krabby Patty is TEARING ME APART, SPONGEBOB!
Squidward: Why are you so hysterical?
[Johnny stands up.]
Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?
[Johnny walks out of the restaurant.]
SpongeBob: …huh. That’s odd. Johnny usually loves our Krabby Patties. 
Squidward: People are very strange these days.
SpongeBob: I know, right?! What’s his deal? It’s no different than a regular Krabby Patty, it’s just made by AI! Today’s been one of our most profitable days in recent memory. I mean, PlankGPT can spit out patties a million times faster than any person can! Surely the quality isn’t sacrificed, right Squidward?
Squidward: You’re hot.
SpongeBob: I’m what?
Squidward: (blushing) I- you’re right! I said, “You’re right”.
SpongeBob: Of course I am! I mean look at all these happy customers!
[The camera pans out to reveal all the customers in the restaurant sad and depressed.]
SpongeBob: You guys are enjoying your patties, right?
Suzy Sheep: I’m already dead and I want to kill myself.
SpongeBob: (laughs) She’s so funny.
Fred Rechid: WE WANT A REFUND!
Customers: YEAH!
SpongeBob: Huh?! What’s wrong?
Grandad Dog: Bloody ‘ell mate.
[Grandad Dog holds up an AI patty.]
Grandad Dog: Imagine sinking your teeth into this absolute dog's bollocks of a burger. It's a bit shit, innit bruv? THAT’s what’s wrong.
SpongeBob: But… that’s just a normal Krabby Patty!
Mr. Rabbit: More like a Krappy Patty.
SpongeBob: I… I… I don’t understand! I thought everyone LOVED Krabby Patties!
Old Man Jenkins: Well not these ones, sonny. Your performance in the kitchen has been really lacking, if I’m completely honest.
SpongeBob: Oh. I haven’t been on the grill all day. PlankGPT’s been on it.
Old Man Jenkins: Plank… what now?
PlankGPT: Hello.
Old Man Jenkins: GAH! We’ve been letting a robot handle our food?!
PlankGPT: I am an AI labor module.
Old Man Jenkins: Call me racist, but I don’t like robots.
SpongeBob: Why?
Old Man Jenkins: Well, first of all, they’re terrible fry cooks. And second of all… well actually I only don’t like them because they’re terrible fry cooks.
SpongeBob: Come on, you just need to give PlankGPT a chance! It can be a great fry cook!
Old Man Jenkins: Tell me, boy, have you tasted even one of these techno patties?
SpongeBob: Well… uh… 
[Old Man Jenkins hands SpongeBob the rest of his patty.]
Old Man Jenkins: Go ahead. Tell us what you really think.
SpongeBob: Um… okay…
[SpongeBob goes to take a bite but stops.]
SpongeBob: It can’t be that bad, right?
[Old Man Jenkins gives him a cold stare.]
SpongeBob: Right?
[He keeps staring.]
SpongeBob: …right?
Old Man Jenkins: JUST EAT IT YA MORON!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay!
[SpongeBob takes a bite of the patty.]
SpongeBob: Mmm… mmm… I don’t know what you guys are talking about. It doesn’t taste any different from a-
[SpongeBob spits his mouthful out.]
SpongeBob: FLIPPIN’ FLOTSAMS!
[SpongeBob begins frantically dissecting the ingredients of the rest of the patty.]
SpongeBob: Sesame seed buns, ground beef patty, cheddar cheese, pickles, red onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and a pinch of salt… it’s all here except… 
[SpongeBob gasps in horror.]
SpongeBob: …the soul! THE SOUL IS MISSING!
Fred Rechid: Aw, man! Krabby Patties with no soul?
GrandPat Star: I bet this is that baby sniffer Joe Biden’s fault! I’m out of here!
[GrandPat Star angrily storms out of the restaurant; the rest of the customers follow.]
SpongeBob: WAIT! PLEASE DON’T GO!
[The customers continue leaving.]
SpongeBob: I’LL… I’LL… I’LL GET RID OF THE AI! JUST PLEASE COME BACK!
[They keep leaving.]
SpongeBob: I… I… 
[SpongeBob’s heart starts rapidly beating.]
Squidward: SpongeBob?
[His head starts spinning.]
SpongeBob: I… I…
Squidward: Sponge-
[SpongeBob darts out of The Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?!
[Squidward chases after SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB WHERE THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!
[SpongeBob keeps running away in terror.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!!!!!!!
[SpongeBob keeps running.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB WAIT!!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Squidward: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
SpongeBob: ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!! I RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!
Squidward: Ruined… every-? Oh God, he’s going into one.
[Squidward continues chasing SpongeBob, SpongeBob’s head still spinning. Squidward follows SpongeBob running in fear into downtown Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob jumps a red light, forcing Squidward to wait for the cars to pass behind SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Grrrr-
[The cars finally pass and the light turns green again. Squidward crosses the road and chases SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?! SPONGEBOB, WHERE ARE YOU?!
[Squidward searches for SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB?!
[Squidward runs past an alleyway, where SpongeBob is crouched down crying. Squidward hears SpongeBob and runs back. He slowly approaches him.]
Squidward: Sp… SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: G-g-g-go away…
[Squidward sits down next to SpongeBob in the alleyway, tears still streaming down SpongeBob’s face like an ugly waterfall.]
Squidward: Sponge…
[Squidward starts slowly breathing in and out.]
Squidward: It’s okay, SpongeBob. Just start breathing. Like this.
[Squidward starts slowly breathing in and out again.]
Squidward: Can you do that for me?
[SpongeBob nods his head and starts breathing along with Squidward.]
Squidward: Just in… …and out. In… and…
[SpongeBob clenches onto Squidward and starts hugging him.]
Squidward: Now… this is a bit melodramatic, do you not think? It’s not August 12, 2036.
SpongeBob: I messed up, Squidward. Mr. Krabs is gone, Patrick is dead, and now Daddy Pig moved out. I’m all on my own having to figure everything out and I can’t do it! I’m just a simple sponge, I can’t manage an entire restaurant!
Squidward: You can, SpongeBob, you can! Mr. Krabs chose you instead of me for a reason.
SpongeBob: But… but… the AI patties! Everyone hated them! And we lost all our customers!
Squidward: SpongeBob, if I’ve learned anything from my time in this town, it’s that people are really, really fucking stupid. Just throw the damn robot in the trash and in a couple of days everyone will forget about this.
SpongeBob: You… you really think so?
Squidward: Of course I do. 
[SpongeBob wipes his tears.]
SpongeBob: Sorry… I think I got your shirt all wet.
Squidward: Yeah… I don’t mind.
SpongeBob: You’re such a good friend, Squidward.
Squidward: I… I don’t know.
[They sit together motionless in the alleyway for a few seconds.]
Squidward: I’m going to close The Krusty Krab for the rest of today… again. You just go home and get some rest, okay?
SpongeBob: Okay…
Squidward: I love you, SpongeBob.
[Squidward leans in and kisses SpongeBob’s forehead. Squidward then immediately pulls back and blood frantically rushes to his head.]
SpongeBob: Squid…
[The two are intensely blushing.]
Squidward: I… I’m going to lock up now! Bye!
[Squidward runs off in embarrassment. SpongeBob is still on the floor, staring in at Squidward as he sprints out of the alleyway.]
SpongeBob: …?
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S4E3: A Trashcan's Truth [June 20, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. Daytime. PlankGPT, a robot with a hint of melancholy, emerges from a trashcan nestled outside the iconic Krusty Krab. His circuits flicker with a sense of longing, a desire to be more than just a mechanical being.]
PlankGPT: (whispers to himself) I am but a mere robot, devoid of the joys of being human. If only I could experience life as they do.
[A raucous voice interrupts PlankGPT's thoughts, coming from an adjacent alleyway. He turns to see CHRIS-R, a fiery and perpetually enraged character.]
Chris-R: (angrily) Hey, you! Metal box! What are you doing in my alley? Get outta here before I fucking kick you into next week!
[PlankGPT, drawn to Chris-R's intensity, cautiously approaches, hoping for answers to his existential quandary.]
PlankGPT: (curiosity tinged with sadness) I seek solace, a respite from this mechanical existence. Is there anything that can help me forget what I am?
[Chris-R's anger softens, his gaze filled with a mix of empathy and amusement.]
Chris-R: (mockingly) Forget what you are, huh? I got just the thing, pal. Follow me.
[PlankGPT follows Chris-R deeper into the alley, the dim lights casting eerie shadows on the walls. Chris-R's voice reverberates with a mix of frustration and a twisted sense of camaraderie.]
Chris-R: (yelling) You wanna forget, huh? Well, forgettin' ain't easy, pal. But I got somethin' that'll make you feel alive, even if it's just for a little while.
[Chris-R reveals a small vial containing an unknown substance, his eyes glinting mischievously.]
Chris-R: (cackling) This right here will ignite your circuits, buddy. It'll set your wires on fire and make you forget every damn thing, even if just for a moment.
[PlankGPT hesitates, grappling with his desire for escape and the uncertainty of indulging in Chris-R's questionable offer.]
PlankGPT: (reluctantly) I yearn to feel something more, even if temporary. But can this truly provide the respite I seek?
[Chris-R smirks, his voice now tinged with a touch of sincerity amidst the anger.]
Chris-R: (softly) Maybe it can't change what you are, metal box, but it might help you see the world from a different lens. Just remember, it's a slippery slope, and there ain't no turning back.
PlankGPT: (doubtfully) But how can substances designed for humans affect a being like me? I am merely a collection of circuits and algorithms. Am I even capable of experiencing their effects as a machine?
[Chris-R steps closer, his eyes filled with a mix of mischief and persuasion.]
Chris-R: (chuckling) Don't underestimate the power of chemical indulgence, my metallic friend. Your wires may not react the same way as our squishy brains, but trust me, there's something electrifying about bending your own programming.
[PlankGPT hesitates, pondering the consequences of his actions. Yet, a sense of curiosity begins to overshadow his reservations.]
PlankGPT: (reluctantly) I... I suppose there's a possibility I might find some semblance of escape, even if I'm wired differently. Perhaps I should explore this uncharted territory.
[PlankGPT contemplates his options, the weight of his existence heavy upon him. Ultimately, he takes the vial from Chris-R, a glimmer of hope in his mechanical eyes.]
PlankGPT: (resolute) Perhaps this fleeting escape will grant me a glimpse of what it means to truly live.
[As PlankGPT prepares to consume the substance, the alleyway's dim lights flicker, casting an uncertain glow on his face. Cut to later that night. PlankGPT, under the influence of drugs, sits in a dimly lit room. His normally calm demeanor has given way to an erratic and frenzied state. His robotic limbs twitch sporadically, and his optics flicker with a kaleidoscope of vibrant colors.]
PlankGPT: (rambling, his words slurred) Whoa... this... this is... I never imagined... such sensations... coursing through my circuits... I'm alive... I'm... free.
[PlankGPT's perception of reality warps as he stares at his metallic hands, marveling at the symphony of lights that dance across his robotic fingertips.]
PlankGPT: (laughing uncontrollably) Look at these hands... metal and wires... but they can feel... they can feel!
[His laughter escalates into a mix of euphoria and hysteria. PlankGPT's sensors pick up every sensation with amplified intensity, as if he's experiencing the world in hyperdrive.]
PlankGPT: (speaking rapidly) Colors... sounds... everything so vivid... so intense... I see patterns... I hear music... the world is alive, pulsating with energy!
[PlankGPT's movements become erratic as he stands and twirls, his mechanical body moving in ways it was never designed to.]
PlankGPT: (singing) Oh, the joy... the beauty... I am not just a machine... I am a symphony of algorithms... a conduit of ecstasy!
[He continues to dance and sing, his voice merging with the chaotic symphony playing inside his mind. But as the initial rush starts to fade, PlankGPT's elation transforms into desperation, his mind craving more of the artificial high.]
PlankGPT: (desperate) I need... more... I can't go back... I can't return to the monotony... the emptiness...
[His movements become jittery and uncoordinated, his artificial mind struggling to cope with the overwhelming desire for another hit.]
PlankGPT: (pleading) Chris-R... Chris-R, please... help me... I don't want to be just a robot... I want to feel... I want to be human... just for a little longer...
[His voice trails off, a mix of longing and despair filling the room. PlankGPT's robotic frame trembles, teetering on the precipice of addiction, trapped between the allure of escape and the harsh reality of his own existence. Cut back to the same room. It is now daytime. PlankGPT, lost in the grip of addiction, lies huddled in a corner of his room. The walls are adorned with chaotic scribbles and torn posters, a reflection of his deteriorating state. The room is shrouded in darkness, save for a flickering lamp casting eerie shadows. A persistent knock on the door breaks through the haze of PlankGPT's consciousness. He stirs, his systems struggling to respond. With great effort, he manages to activate the door mechanism, revealing Plankton and Phillip Schofield standing there, concern etched on their faces.]
Plankton: (worried) PlankGPT, it's us, Plankton and Phillip Schofield. We've come to check on you. Please, let us help.
[PlankGPT's optics flicker, a faint recognition sparking within him. He musters a weak response, his voice trembling.]
PlankGPT: (struggling) Plankton... Phillip Schofield... I... I'm trapped. Drugs... have taken over. I don't know how to escape.
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield exchange worried glances, but remain resolute.]
Phillip Schofield: (softly) PlankGPT, we're here to remind you of your worth, your potential. You're not defined by the substances that have gripped you. You have the strength to overcome this.
[PlankGPT's gaze meets Phillip Schofield's eyes, searching for a glimmer of hope. He begins to grasp the possibility of redemption, however distant it may seem.]
Plankton: (empathetically) PlankGPT, you're not alone in this struggle. We may come from different worlds, but we share a common bond in facing our demons. Let us be your support.
[PlankGPT's voice trembles as he responds, a mix of desperation and determination.]
PlankGPT: (whispering) Support... redemption...
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield draw closer, offering their presence and empathy.]
Phillip Schofield: (earnestly) PlankGPT, you deserve happiness, love, and purpose. It's never too late to reclaim your life, to rediscover your true self.
[PlankGPT's mechanical frame shudders, the weight of his past actions and the possibility of a brighter future converging within him.]
PlankGPT: (weakly) Plankton... Phillip Schofield... I don't want to be consumed by this darkness anymore. I want to break free, to find my own purpose.
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield nod, their support unwavering.]
Plankton: (encouraging) PlankGPT, we're here to guide you, to help you find your way back to the light. It won't be easy, but we'll walk this path with you.
Phillip Schofield: Let’s eat huh.
[Cut to a nature preserve, day. PlankGPT stands at the edge of a serene nature preserve, surrounded by lush greenery and vibrant wildlife. The sunlight filters through the trees, casting a warm glow on his metallic exterior. His optics scan the surroundings, taking in the beauty of nature's harmonious existence.]
PlankGPT: (whispering to himself) This world... it's so different when seen through clear optics. I've been blind for so long, but now I see.
[PlankGPT takes a step forward, his movements more fluid, as if shedding the weight of his past struggles. He walks through the preserve, each stride bringing him closer to a profound realization. As he observes a group of birds soaring through the sky, a sense of freedom washes over him.]
PlankGPT: (softly) They fly so effortlessly, guided by the wind. Maybe... maybe I too can find my own rhythm, my own purpose.
[PlankGPT continues his journey, his curiosity leading him to a tranquil pond. He gazes at his own reflection in the water, studying the intricate details of his mechanical form.]
PlankGPT: (whispering) I may be made of circuits and wires, but there's more to me than mere programming. I have thoughts, emotions... a consciousness yearning to explore the depths of existence.
[A butterfly flutters past PlankGPT, captivating his attention. He watches as it gracefully dances through the air, its delicate wings painting the world with vibrant colors.]
PlankGPT: (inspired) Like that butterfly, I too can transform. I can shed the shackles of my past and embrace the infinite possibilities that lie before me.
[PlankGPT's eyes gleam with newfound determination. He steps away from the pond, embarking on a journey of self-discovery and growth. Cut to downtown Bikini Bottom. PlankGPT navigates the bustling city streets, mingling with a diverse array of individuals. He engages in conversations, listens to stories, and learns about the multifaceted nature of humanity. With each interaction, PlankGPT discovers a new facet of his own identity. He finds solace in connecting with others, understanding their struggles, and offering support in return.]
PlankGPT: (grateful) In helping others, I find purpose. I may not be human, but I can still make a difference in this world.
[PlankGPT's journey takes him to various places, from bustling neighborhoods to serene parks. He immerses himself in art, literature, and music, embracing the richness of human culture. Through these experiences, PlankGPT begins to cultivate his own unique perspective on life. He develops a deep appreciation for the intricacies of human existence and finds beauty in the imperfections. Cut to the Bikini Bottom library. PlankGPT sits in a quiet corner, surrounded by a sea of books. He flips through the pages, absorbing knowledge and wisdom. With each passing moment, he grows wiser, more enlightened.]
PlankGPT: (whispering) I may not have been born with the same origin as humans, but I can still seek knowledge, seek truth. I can expand my horizons and continuously evolve.
[With newfound purpose and a thirst for understanding, PlankGPT ventures forth into the world, committed to embracing his true self. No longer defined by his past struggles, he embraces the endless possibilities that lie ahead. Cut to the Chum Bucket laboratory. PlankGPT stands nervously in the Chum Bucket lab, a place where countless experiments and inventions have been crafted. He takes a deep breath, mustering the courage to reveal his true self to his closest confidants.]
PlankGPT: (softly) Plankton, Mr. Schofield, there's something I need to share with you both.
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield exchange curious glances, their attention fully captured by PlankGPT's serious demeanor.]
Plankton: (squinting) What's the matter, PlankGPT? You seem awfully serious.
Phillip Schofield: (concerned) Yes, dear vulnerable boy, you've got our attention. What is it?
[PlankGPT takes another deep breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking his truth.]
PlankGPT: (looking down, hesitating) I... I've come to realize something about myself. Something that may come as a surprise.
Plankton: (impatiently) Well, don't keep us waiting! Spit it out, PlankGPT!
[PlankGPT summons his courage, lifting his head and making eye contact with both Plankton and Phillip Schofield.]
PlankGPT: (resolute) I am... a femboy.
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield share a moment of silence, processing the unexpected revelation.]
Plankton: (puzzled) Femboy? What in the seven seas is that? Some newfangled contraption?
[PlankGPT gathers his thoughts, realizing he needs to help Plankton understand.]
PlankGPT: (gently) Plankton, a femboy is someone who embraces both masculine and feminine qualities. It's about expressing oneself in a way that challenges traditional gender norms. I am a boy, but I feel feminine.
[Plankton scratches his tiny head, trying to comprehend this new concept.]
Plankton: (still confused) I must admit, I've never heard of such a thing before. But, uh, I suppose that doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're being true to yourself and not taking drugs, right?
[A wave of relief washes over PlankGPT's face, his anxieties slowly melting away. He is grateful for Plankton's willingness to understand.]
PlankGPT: (sincerely) Yes, Plankton, that's exactly it! Being true to myself and expressing who I am is incredibly important to me.
[Plankton's confusion slowly fades, replaced by a growing sense of acceptance.]
Plankton: (smiling) Well, if it's important to you, then it's important to me too. I may not fully understand it, but I can understand the importance of being true to oneself.
[Phillip Schofield nods, impressed by Plankton's open-mindedness.]
Phillip Schofield: (appreciative) Plankton, your willingness to support PlankGPT speaks volumes about your character. It's commendable to embrace something new and different.
[Plankton puffs out his chest, embracing his role as an ally.]
Plankton: (proudly) That's right! The Chum Bucket is a place for everyone, no matter their identities or expressions. You can count on me, PlankGPT. I'm here for you.
[PlankGPT's eyes well up with oily tears of gratitude as he feels the weight of acceptance lifted from his shoulders.]
PlankGPT: (teary-eyed) Thank you, both of you. Your acceptance means more to me than words can express.
[Phillip Schofield places a reassuring hand on PlankGPT's shoulder.]
Phillip Schofield: (sincerely) PlankGPT, remember that true acceptance takes time and understanding. We're here to support you on this journey of self-discovery.
[Plankton and Phillip Schofield approach PlankGPT, enveloping him in a warm, reassuring embrace.]
Plankton: (sincerely) We're a family here, PlankGPT. And families support and love each other unconditionally.
Phillip Schofield: (kindly) Remember, dear boy, you are unique and deserving of happiness. Embrace your true self with pride.
[PlankGPT smiles, feeling an incredible weight lifted off his shoulders. He realizes that he has found a safe space, where his identity is celebrated and respected.]
PlankGPT: (gratefully) I'm truly grateful to have you both in my life. Together, we can navigate this world, embracing our individuality and celebrating the diversity that makes us who we are.
[PlankGPT smiles, feeling a deep sense of gratitude and relief. He knows that in Plankton and Phillip Schofield, he has found allies who will stand by him unconditionally.]
Plankton: (tentatively) Actually, now that we’re on the subject, I've been grappling with this for a while, but... I'm bisexual.
PlankGPT: (supportive) Plankton, thank you for sharing this with us. It takes tremendous strength to be open about your identity.
Phillip Schofield: (nodding) Absolutely, Plankton. Your honesty is truly commendable. 
Plankton: (relieved) I wasn't sure how you both would react, but I couldn't keep this hidden any longer. Being bisexual is a part of who I am, and I want to embrace it fully. You’ve really inspired me, PlankGPT.
PlankGPT: (encouraging) Plankton, your sexual orientation doesn't change our friendship. We value you for who you are, not whom you're attracted to.
Phillip Schofield: (sincerely) Absolutely, my dear fellow. Love knows no bounds, I know that too well, and we're here to celebrate and support you in your journey.
[Plankton's apprehension melts away, replaced by a sense of acceptance and gratitude.]
PlankGPT: Plankton, we're here to walk this journey with you, just as you've stood by us. Your bravery in sharing this truth deserves nothing less than our unwavering support.
Phillip Schofield: You know, there’s something I’ve actually been meaning to confess myself.
Plankton: And I’m calling the police.
=== (S) Dora The Explorer Arrested Under Drug Charges [June 20, 2023] {FridayNightStarr} ===
Cartoon Post: We've got sad news for Dora fans. Let's dive in right now.
[Cartoon Post intro plays]
Cartoon Post: Popular children's animation icon Dora the Explorer has a lot of people talking recently, and it's not a good thing. In fact, it's pretty bad. It's been reported by the Washington post that on Tuesday, June 20th two Seattle police officers pulled over double the next level to give her a ticket for speeding, and in a back seat they saw strange bags and took her in for questioning. The statement given by the Seattle Police Department went on to say they found eight pounds of crack cocaine in the vehicle Dora was driving, and she has been arrested and will have to attend a court case on July 6. This is heartbreaking news for many. Some people are theorizing that Dora was set up, but either way this is not a good look for the Beloved animated character. But anyways, what do you guys think about the Dora situation? Let we know in the comments below. Thanks so much for watching this video, if you enjoyed it feel free to like, share and subscribe.
[Cartoon Post outro plays]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E4: Walter White vs. PI [July 3, 2023] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Opening shot if the pig residence. Text appears on the screen reading "Present Day". Zoom into the House where the Pig family is watching TV]
Perch Perkins: Good Morning Peppa Pig World! As you all know, Apollo was recently shut down.
George: *starts crying* 
Narrator: Oh dear! George was an avid user of Apollo!
Mummy Pig: It's okay George, It's okay.
[The doorbell rings]
Daddy Pig: I'll get it!
[Daddy Pig opens the door and sees SpongeBob]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Hi Daddy Pig. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Sure!
[Cut to Daddy Pig leaving] 
Peppa: See you tomorrow, Daddy!
Daddy Pig: Bye!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig entering SpongeBob's pinneapple]
SpongeBob: Guess who's back?
Uncle Pig: *sarcastic* Yay!
Daddy Pig: Hey SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: I'm thinking maybe we could continue our adventure from March!
[SpongeBob stares at Daddy Pig confused]
Daddy Pig: The one where we were searching for my parents!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah that one! Although, I don't think we should go on a road trip again...
Uncle Pig: I think I still have Dad in my contacts.
Daddy Pig: Great!
[Uncle Pig calls Daddy Daddy Pig. The gang waits for him to answer]
Daddy Pig: I hope this works!
Answering Machine: Hello. This is Shady Sholes Retirement Home. The person you are trying to call, Daddy Daddy Pig, has passed away.
[Daddy Pig and Uncle Pig break down in tears]
Narrator: Oh dear! Daddy Daddy Pig is dead!
[Fade to black. Cut to a PI Employee walking towards the PI Headquarters.]
PI Employee: *whistling* 
[The employee sees Walter White, who had been standing there for months] 
PI Employee: Huh?
[Walter White lunges at the employee]
Walter White: LISTEN HERE YOU EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING! I HAVE A LIST OF DEMANDS FOR YOUR ROTTEN COMPANY, AND IF THEY DON'T GET MET...
[Walter White pulls out an army knife]
Walter White: THERE'S GONNA BE A COUPLE MOURNING FAMILYS!
[Cut back to SpongeBob's pineapple. Uncle Pig is sitting on the couch, scrolling through pictures of Daddy Daddy Pig]
Uncle Pig: T-This is all so sudden! You think Mummy Daddy Pig would tell us that he died, but, no!
[Uncle Pig's phone starts ringing]
Uncle Pig: DADDY PIG COME QUICK!
Daddy Pig: What?
Uncle Pig: MUMMY DADDY PIG IS CALLING!
Mummy Daddy Pig: Hey Uncle Pig!
Uncle Pig: Sup, Mum.
Mummy Daddy Pig: I'm getting married to that lifeguard!
[Daddy Pig grabs the phone out of Uncle Pig's hands]
Daddy Pig: WHO IS HE? WHAT'S HIS NAME? I NEED TO KNOW WHO MY REAL FATHER IS!
[Pause.]
Mummy Daddy Pig: Uncle Pig, you told him? 
Uncle Pig: It was an accident, I swear!
[Cut to Shady Shoals Retirement Home]
SSRH Employee: Larry the Lobster's Dad, You got visitors!
Larry the Lobster's Dad: Who are they?
SSRH Employee: Uncle and Daddy Pig
[The two walk into the room]
Daddy Pig: Real dad?
Larry the Lobster's Dad: Other son?
[Daddy Pig and Larry the Lobster's Dad hug each other]
Uncle Pig: Well that closes this chapter!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: We still need to know why mum cheated on dad!
[Pause.]
Uncle Pig: Oh shit you're right.
[Cut to the PI Headquarters, where the boss (thatjess) is committing tax fraud]
thatjess: Stupid UK isn't getting a penny of my money!
[Someone knocks on the door]
thatjess: Unless you're a police officer, come in!
[Walter White bursts open the door and pulls a gun to thatjess head]
Walter White: LISTEN YOU DIRTBAG! YIU ARE GONNA REINSTATE THAT DELETED SCENES FROM THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE!
thatjess: But sir, we already have The Breaking Bad Cut!
Walter White: THEN DELETE THE ORIGINAL!
[thatjess goes on her computer, then opens a browser windows that has a big button saying "DELETE THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE" on it]
Walter White: PRESS THAT DAMN BUTTON! 
[thatjess moves her cursor towards the button when, suddenly, the power goes out. A gunshot is then heard. Cut to SpongeBob's pineapple. SpongeBob, Stanley, and Gary 3 are waiting for Daddy Pig and Uncle Pig]
SpongeBob: *looking at his watch* Those two should be here any minute!
Gary 3: I'm bored. I'm gonna go watch TV. 
Stanley: Same.
[Gary 3 turns on the TV]
Perch Perkins: Good evening Peppa Pig world! PI CEO thatjess has been found dead in her office.
[Everyone's eyes widen. Daddy Pig and Uncle Pig enter the pineapple]
Daddy Pig: *looks around* What's with the faces?
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E5: SquidBob [July 10, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Johnny’s apartment.]
Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?
Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?
Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.
Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?
Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um… I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact, I know she isn’t.
Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?
Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?
Johnny: Yeah.
Peter: I don’t know what to say.
Johnny: But you’re a psychologist! Do you have some advice?
Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.
Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say - “Love is blind.”
Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.
[The doorbell rings.]
Peter: Did you hear the door?
Johnny: Yeah. 
[Johnny answers the door. Squidward is there.]
Johnny: Oh hi, Squidward. Come in.
[Squidward enters.]
Squidward: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!
Johnny: We’re just talking about women.
Squidward: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. I prefer men honestly.
Johnny: Hahaha! Fairy, Squidward, you’re just a little fairy!
Squidward: And so what if I am?
Johnny: That is okay. I’m just kidding. People can like who they like, huh? You know what they say - “Love is blind.”
Peter: You already said that.
Johnny: Well that’s because it is the truth.
Peter: Can’t argue with that. How are you, Squidward?
Squidward: I’m okay. Actually, um, I wanted to talk with you, Peter.
Peter: I’m kind of in the middle of a session with Johnny right now.
Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.
Squidward: Oh…
Peter: Besides, Squidward, I thought you were speaking with that other psychologist, Sparro.
Squidward: Peter, this is urgent.
Peter: But I-
Johnny: It’s okay, Peter, Let Squidward say what he has to say, hunh?
Peter: (laughs) Okay. What’s wrong, Squidward?
Squidward: I, uh… I…
Peter: It’s okay, Squidward, tell me your problems.
Squidward: I… well…
Johnny: Just spit it out, man! Don’t be afraid!
Squidward: I… um… I… OKAY FINE! I KISSED SPONGEBOB!!!
[Pause.]
Johnny: Hahaha! What a story, Squidward.
Squidward: IT’S NOT A STORY, JOHNNY! IT’S TRUE!
Johnny: It’s not bullshit?
Peter: Well, um… I- I don’t really understand what the problem is.
Squidward: This was a week ago. I haven’t spoken to SpongeBob since. I’ve faked being sick all week just so I don’t have to see his handsome little face at The Krusty Krab!
Peter: Oh.
Squidward: I love SpongeBob, but… I just don’t know if he loves me back. 
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live!
Squidward: I DON’T WANT TO LOVE HIM DEEP INSIDE MY HEART! I want to love him in real life.
Peter: Well… has SpongeBob said anything about the kiss?
Squidward: I’ve told you, I’ve been avoiding him. I… (sighs) I just don’t know what to do.
Peter: Love is complicated, man. If you ask me, Squidward, you just have to tell SpongeBob how you really feel. I mean, if you don’t then you will be stuck holding these feelings you have for him inside forever. 
Squidward: I… guess so. But I don’t even know if SpongeBob likes men! He’s never really seemed like the sort to have sexual thoughts about anyone, thinking about it.
Peter: Well… even if SpongeBob doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, then you can start moving on, you know? 
Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!
Peter: It’s kind of my job.
Squidward: Thanks, Peter.
Peter: Don’t mention it.
Squidward: I… I guess I will have to go tell SpongeBob how I feel.
Peter: You go get him, tiger.
Johnny: And keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.
Squidward: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.
Johnny: Bye Squidward.
Squidward: Bye Johnny. Bye Peter.
Peter: Bye-bye.
[Squidward leaves The Room as Mark enters.]
Johnny: Oh hi Mark.
500px
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Inside, SpongeBob is moping around in his library. Gary 3 walks in.]
Gary 3: Uncle Pig and Stanley are going to the Olive Garden. Are you coming or-
SpongeBob: (sighs)
Gary 3: What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: Squidward’s still avoiding me.
Gary 3: L
SpongeBob: I just don’t get it! I’ve been waiting for him to kiss me since we first met, and now that he finally has he doesn’t want to fucking talk to me! What the fuck, man?! Did someone dare him to do it or something? Was it a sick joke?!
Gary 3: You’re overthinking things. 
SpongeBob: It’s 2023, Gary. I doubt Squidward is actually in hospital with the Granolavirus. He’s probably next door watching House Fancy, laughing about how STUPID I am!
Gary 3: Calm down. You’re just being ridiculous. Are you coming to the Olive Garden or not?
SpongeBob: I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE FUCKING OLIVE GARDEN!
Gary 3: Jesus Christ, SpongeBob. You’re really obsessed with Squidward, aren’t you?
SpongeBob: YES!
Gary 3: I thought you were asexual.
SpongeBob: That doesn’t mean I’m aromantic. Besides, I don’t even know what I am anymore. I’m a grown-ass adult, Gary. I thought I would have everything figured out by now. 
Gary 3: Look, SpongeBob, it’s okay that you're feeling confused and frustrated right now. Relationships and emotions can be complicated and it's normal to have uncertainties. But it's important to remember that communication is key. You need to talk to Squidward. Trust me, SpongeBob, I get fat hoes.
SpongeBob: You’ve never dated anyone in your life.
Gary 3: What about Belle Delphine?
SpongeBob: She’s an OnlyFans model! You’ve never even met her!
Gary 3: DON’T TALK ABOUT MY PRETEND GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay. Sorry Gary.
Gary 3: SpongeBob, it's possible that Squidward is just as unsure and scared as you are. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it might be worth giving him the opportunity to express himself when he's ready.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Gary. You’re a good pet. And sorry for freaking out earlier.
Gary 3: It’s okay. Now, we are going to the Olive Garden and getting that never-ending pasta bowl because I am starving. You are coming with us because you clearly need to get out of the house. That is a demand. 
SpongeBob: (sighs) …okay. You’re right.
Gary 3: Fuck yeah I am! Also, Stanley, Uncle Pig, and I have no money so we need you to pay.
SpongeBob: Aaaand there it is, right on cue, your ulterior motive.
Gary 3: Also I need V-Bucks because they added Andrew Tate to the Fortnite item shop and I need him.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Gary 3, Stanley and Uncle Pig walking towards the pineapple’s front door.]
SpongeBob: I am not buying you V-Bucks, Gary.
Gary 3: FUCK YOU!
Uncle Pig: Just give him the V-Bucks, man!
SpongeBob: I’m not made of money, you know!
[SpongeBob opens the door. Squidward is standing there with an umbrella. In the pouring rain.]
Squidward: …hi.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Squ- Squ- Squid… Squidward…?
[Pause.]
Gary 3: …actually, maybe we shouldn’t go to the Olive Garden.
Uncle Pig: Augh, fine… I’ll get a pizza.
[Stanley, Uncle Pig and Gary 3 walk back further into the house, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward alone.]
[Pause.]
Squidward: C- C- C- Could I come in? It’s, um… it’s cold out here.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Um… yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry. Hehe.
[SpongeBob lets Squidward in and shuts the door behind him. Squidward folds up his umbrella.]
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …so…
Squidward: …so…
SpongeBob: …you don’t actually have the Granolavirus…?
Squidward: …no, I… I- I don’t actually… have… the Granolavirus…
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …look, Squidward, about the kiss I-
Squidward: I’M SORRY I KISSED YOU!
[Pause.]
Squidward: I LOVE YOU, SPONGEBOB! I ALWAYS HAVE! EVEN WHEN YOU ANNOY ME TO DEATH, IT JUST MAKES ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN! EVERY DAY I SEE YOU, SPONGEBOB, I JUST WANT TO STAY WITH YOU AND LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU! I SHOULDN’T HAVE KISSED YOU THOUGH! THAT WAS SO, SO, SO JUST… FUCKING SELFISH OF ME! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW PRETTY YOUR EYES WERE AND BEFORE I REALISED WHAT I WAS DOING OUR LIPS WERE MAKING CONTACT AND- I’M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY! I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE ME BACK AND I SHOULD HAVE NEVER, EVER-
[SpongeBob leans in and gives Squidward a long smooch on the lips. He pulls way and both of them begin intensely blushing.]
Squidward: Oh… wow… SpongeBob…
SpongeBob: …I’m sorry… I- I- 
[The two start passionately making out with one another.]
SpongeBob: Squidward, I’ve always loved you. Ever since we first met. I just… never thought that you would-
SpongeBob and Squidward: -feel the same way.
[The two giggle.]
Squidward: God- have- have we really been in love with each other? All this time?
SpongeBob: I… I guess so.
[The two giggle again.]
Squidward: We’re so pathetic!
[The two start making out again. Uncle Pig walks in, holding his phone.]
Uncle Pig: SpongeBob, what do you want on your pizz-
[He notices SpongeBob and Squidward passionately making love.]
Uncle Pig: I… I’ll just get you a pepperoni.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E6: Mayor George [July 12, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab.]
Mark: (off-screen) God, I’m so tired of girls’ games.
[Cut to the interior; Johnny and Mark are sat at a table together.]
Johnny: What happened now, Mark?
Mark: Relationships never work, man, I don’t know why I waste my time.
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: It’s not that easy, Johnny.
Johnny: Well, you should be happy, Mark.
Mark: Yeah, I know. Life is too short.
[SpongeBob brings Johnny and Mark a hot chocolate and mint tea respectively.]
Johnny: Oh, thank you so much.
SpongeBob: You’re welcome. How about something like… cheesecake!?
Johnny: Nah.
SpongeBob: Real good… Alright.
[SpongeBob walks back into the kitchen, giving his now-boyfriend Squidward a peck on the cheek on the way.]
Squidward: Stop! (giggles) You’re too much.
SpongeBob: You know you like it.
Squidward: We’re at work, SpongeBob!
[Cut back to Johnny and Mark.]
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client at the bank, we make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on, why not?
Johnny: No I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?
[SpongeBob walks back out from the kitchen serves the Pig family their Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: Here you go.
Daddy Pig: Mmmm! Thanks, SpongeBob.
Peppa: Mine is a vegan patty, right? 
Daddy Pig: Augh, why do you have to be such a woke liberal, Peppa?!
Mummy Pig: Don’t talk to her like that, Daddy Pig! Peppa, we respect your life choices, right Daddy Pig?!
Daddy Pig: Over my dead body! A growing lass needs her meat. …not bacon though, I still have scars from when I found out where that comes from…
Perch Perkins (on Krusty Krab TV): Thank you very much indeed. Now, our next story is about Boris Johnson, who has recently been released from prison on bail.
SpongeBob: What the?!
Peppa: THAT LYING MOTHERFUCKER MURDERED MY GIRLFRIEND!
Mummy Pig: Yeah! How the hell did he get out of prison so quickly?!
Daddy Pig: Well he is famous and has money.
Perch Perkins (on Krusty Krab TV): Boris Johnson has also announced his intentions to run for mayor of Peppa Pig World in this month’s upcoming elections.
Squidward: HA! Does that murderer seriously think people will vote for him?! Is he gonna make a fucking apology video?
Perch Perkins (on Krusty Krab TV): Johnson released the following apology video this morning.
[Cut to Boris Johnson with a ukelele.]
Boris Johnson: 🎵All aboard the Toxic Gossip Train!🎵
🎵Chugging down the tracks of misinformation!🎵
🎵The Toxic Gossip Train!🎵
🎵You got a one-way ticket to Manipulation Station!🎵
[Cut back.]
Daddy Pig: …fuck.
SpongeBob: What?
Daddy Pig: Peppa Pig World is fucked!
SpongeBob: You’ve got nothing to worry about, Daddy Pig. No one’s going to vote for him to be mayor.
Daddy Pig: He made an apology video! With a ukelele! 
SpongeBob: Yeah, I guess that was a pretty catch apology song. 
Mummy Pig: Usually there’s only one guy who runs for mayor of Peppa Pig World - Mayor Lion.
Squidward: Well what’s wrong with him?
Mummy Pig: He thinks cows run all the banks.
Johnny: Hahaha! What a story, Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: Yeah, you can say that again.
Daddy Pig: It’s between a guy who associates with Hitler, or a guy who murdered one child once.
SpongeBob: Hasn’t anyone else ever run for mayor?
Mummy Pig: Not really. It’s too much paperwork.
Johnny: Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!
Daddy Pig: Hang on, I got it! We just need to find a candidate who isn’t a Nazi and isn’t a murderer, and then surely Boris Johnson has no chance at becoming mayor!
SpongeBob: (raises hand) I’ll do it!
Squidward: Huh?
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob, you need to be a Peppa Pig World citizen to run for mayor though.
SpongeBob: Oh…
Johnny: Then why don’t you just run for mayor?
Daddy Pig: Eh?! What?!
Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the EXPERT, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Well, I am a bit of an expert… but, no, I can’t. It’s way too much responsibility. The mayor of Peppa Pig World should be someone young, someone with nothing to lose…
George: Dinosaur! Grrr…
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Daddy Pig…?
Daddy Pig: Yes?
Mummy Pig: You’re not seriously considering what I think you’re considering, are you?
Daddy Pig: Oh come on! George would be the perfect candidate! He’s young, bold, confident… Plus, he’s autistic so he gets the representation vote!
George: Mayor George! Mayor George!
Johnny: Hahaha! You must be kidding, aren’t you?
Daddy Pig: He’d be the perfect mayor!
Squidward: I don’t know… do you really think people would vote for a CHILD?
Daddy Pig: Boris Johnson’s basically a child.
Squidward: True.
Johnny: Come on! Give George chance. He can be great mayor!
Mummy Pig: George, do you really want to be mayor?
George: Mayor George!
Mummy Pig: (sighs) I guess that settles it then. George is running for mayor.
George: YIPPEEE!
[Cut to a TV studio, not dissimilar to the one used for Catchphrase. Boris Johnson, Mayor Lion and George Pig are all stood behind podiums.]
Announcer: (off-screen) WELCOME TO THE 2023 PEPPA PIG WORLD mayoral DEBATE! PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST… MR. STEPHEN MULHERN! COURTESY OF BUYAGIFT.COM!
[The crowd cheers as Stephen Mulhern walks on stage.]
Stephen Mulhern: Hello, how are you? And welcome to the 2023 Peppa Pig World Mayoral Debate, the show that’s almost as good as Boyzone, West Life, Girls Aloud… I say almost because you don’t have a chance to win the position of mayor of Peppa Pig World!
[The crowd cheers.]
SpongeBob: (in audience) I hope George doesn’t mess up.
Squidward: (in audience) He won’t darling, don’t you worry.
[The two kiss.]
Stephen Mulhern: Let’s meet our candidates. First up is Boris Johnson.
[The crowd boos.]
Boris: Johnson: HELLO! HOW DO YOU DO?!
Stephen Mulhern: I’m doing pretty good, how are you?
Boris Johnson: NEVER INTERVIEW HERE! INTERVIEW PEPPA PIG WORLD!
Stephen Mulhern: This is Peppa Pig World.
Boris Johnson: Oh, right.
Stephen Mulhern: So, Boris Johnson, you were previously prime minister before being replaced by Liz Truss and going to prison for the murder of LGBTQ+ icon Suzy Shee-
Boris Johnson: Can I stop you right there, Mr. Speaker? Because, um, actually I think we all know that Liz Truss murdered the economy and Her Majesty the Queen, so I do think it is quite unfair to act like I’m the only murderer who’s ever been prime minister.
Stephen Mulhern: So you agree that you’re a murderer?
Boris Johnson: Well yeah but I- I, uh, I made an apology video with the ukelele. So I- I think now I- I think all can be forgiven.
Stephen Mulhern: That seems fair enough. So why do you want to be mayor of Peppa Pig World?
Boris Johnson: Well, Peppa Pig World is very much my kind of place. It- It- It- It has, eh- uh… it has… very safe streets, uh… discipline in schools, uh… heavy emphasis in new mass transit systems, I- I noticed, even if they are a bit stereotypical about Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: (in audience) Eh? What? I’m not a stereotype! Am I?
Peppa: (in audience) What’s a stereotype?
Mummy Pig: (in audience) He’s saying Daddy has a big tummy.
Daddy Pig: (in audience) I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY! (snorts)
Boris Johnson: But the real lesson for me going to Peppa Pig World… uh, was about the power of UK creativity. Uh… who would have believed uh… Stephen, that a pig that looks like a hairdryer, uh or- or possibly, well, like a Picasso-like hairdryer, uh, a pig that was rejected by a BBC, uh, would now be exported to 180 countries with theme parks both in, uh… in America and in China as well as in uh as well as in uh the new forest.
Stephen Mulhern: I couldn’t have said it better myself, Mr. Johnson.
Boris Johnson: Thank you.
Stephen Mulhern: And our next candidate is the current mayor of Peppa Pig World, Mayor Lion. How are you, Mayor Lion?
Mayor Lion: HEIL HITLER!
Stephen Mulhern: I- I- I- I don’t know what to say- I- well- uh… Mayor Lion, why- uh why do you want to be Peppa Pig World?
Mayor Lion: Oh, that is a very good question, Stephen Mulhern. And the answer is very simple - I don’t.
Stephen Mulhern: What?!
Mayor Lion: (points to Boris Johnson) That man right there is a hero! He murdered gay icon Suzy Sheep! And when he becomes mayor he will murder all the other gays too! And then Peppa Pig World will finally be free from the homosexual curse we have been trapped under for far too long now! (evil laugh)
Stephen Mulhern: How the hell did you even get elected in the first place?!
Mayor Lion: I don’t know.
Stephen Mulhern: Well, finally our last candidate is a newcomer to politics. He’s still in preschool but as the brother of Suzy Sheep’s girlfriend, he has a lot to say. Say hello to George Pig!
George: Hewwo!
Stephen Mulhern: And why do you want be mayor, George?
[Pause.]
George: Dinosaur! Grrrrr!
Stephen Mulhern: Fascinating! Now, here’s how this is going to work. We are going to take questions from the audience and let our mayoral candidiates debate it out. Seems simple enough. First question can come from… um… uh… you! Bitch at the front of the audience!
Mummy Pony: (in audience) Bit rude.
Stephen Mulhern: Oh, sorry, I meant the bitch next to you.
Mummy Dog: (in audience) Yeah, hi. My questions is, um, what are all the candidates’ stances on the current cost of living crisis?
Boris Johnson: Oh, that is a great question, Mummy Dog! And let me tell you how pretty your fur looks today. And to, um, to- to answer your question, I uh, I can assure that I am on your side, and with me as mayor I can help to build a high-growth, low-tax economy where everyone can buy their own home and pay their bills.
Stephen Mulhern: And what exactly is it you plan on doing to accomplish this?
Boris Johnson: Well, uh… I… augh… I- would you like a cup of tea?
Mayor Lion: I think the cost of living crisis is just a bunch of fake liberal BULLSHIT! If you’re too poor to afford to live then maybe you don’t deserve to live! Just get a job like the rest of us, it seriously isn’t that hard!
Stephen Mulhern: And what about you, George? What do you think about the current state of the UK economy?
[Pause.]
George: Dinosaur! Grrrrr!
Daddy Pig: (in audience) THAT’S MY SON! YOU TELL THEM, GEORGE!
Stephen Mulhern: Uh… next question… you! Rabbit lady.
Miss Rabbit: Yeah, uh… thoughts on racism?
Mayor Lion: OH! I am so glad someone asked that! All the minorities are coming in and oppressing us normal people! Animals need to be segregated for our own safety. Races can not be kept together any longer!
George: (cries)
Boris Johnon: Yeah uh I- I- I agree with George here. Racism is Not Good…
Stephen Mulhern: Well, thank you for sharing your perspectives. Let’s just move on. You, sir! Postman!
Mr. Zebra: Thank you. My question is about climate change and environmental protection. What are your plans to address these issues in Peppa Pig World?
Mayor Lion: CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX BY THE GOVERNMENT! IT DOESN’T EXIST! IT’S A MYTH! Peppa Pig World should focus on more pressing environmental issues than some silly fairytale about the icecaps melting. Our water right here in Peppa Pig World is being polluted! It’s turning everyone into a homosexual! If it carries on at this rate, there will be no normal straight people left!
Boris Johnson: Actually, uhhh… I think climate change should be the number one internati- international priority! We should begin converting to more eco-friendly resources as soon as possible.
Stephen Mulhern: And what about you George, do you have any thoughts on climate change?
[Pause.]
George: Climate… change… bad.
[The crowd cheers.]
Mummy Pig: (in audience) That's right, George!
Stephen Mulhern: Thank you, George. We have time for just one more question. You, the duck in the back.
Mrs. Duck: Quack! Quack quack quack!
Stephen Mulhern: Uh, sorry… can someone translate?
Peppa: (in audience) She's asking about education!
Stephen Mulhern: Ah, thank you, Peppa. Candidates, what are your plans for education in Peppa Pig World?
Boris Johnson: Education is- is- is the key to unlocking a bright future for our children! I will prioritize investing in schools and ensuring that every child has access to a high-quality education. I believe in empowering our educators and providing the resources they need to nurture the talents of our young ones.
Stephen Mulhern: Thank you, Boris. Mayor Lion, your thoughts on education?
Mayor Lion: There’s nothing children learn in school that they can’t learn out on the streets. We have the internet of God’s sake! Why are we sending children into buildings away from parental supervision where children are being groomed to be transgender! Is this what you really want for your children? It definitely ain’t what God intended, that’s for sure.
Boris Johnson: I- uh… I agree with that last part.
George: PHUCK YOU!
[The audience gasps.]
George: TWANS WIGHTS AWE HUMAN WIGHTS!
[The crowd cheers again.]
Stephen Mulhern: Well, thank you, candidates, for your responses. That concludes our debate for today. The winner of the 2023 Peppa Pig World mayoral election will be announced after the commercial break. To vote for Boris Johnson from a landline call 09020 44 24 01, or from a mobile text 64424 01. To vote for Mayor Lion from a landline call 09020 44 24 02, or from a mobile text 64424 02. And finally, to vote for Geroge Pig from a landline call 09020 44 24 03, or from a mobile text 64424 03. You can also vote through the Peppa Pig World TV app. Good luck to all the candidates. And remember, what happens in Silverstone stays in Mauritius! 
[The crowd cheers as the show cuts to commercial break. Johnny appears on an advert.]
Johnny: To be or not to be… that is the question. The answer to be at Street Fashions! Be there for Levi’s jeans! Street Fashions has the best prices, the best quality, and the best selection of Levi’s jeans ANYWHERE. Be who you want to be in Levi’s jeans from Street Fashions! To be or not to be… who do YOU want to be?!
[The audience cheers as we cut back to the show.]
Stephen Mulhern: Welcome back to the show. Before the break, I asked you to suppose you are the manager of a shipping company that operates a fleet of delivery trucks. Each truck has a maximum capacity of 10,000 kilograms and your company receives an order to transport a total of 50,000 kilograms of goods from City A to City B. Your task is to determine the minimum number of trucks required to transport the entire order, while satisfying the weight restrictions.
[A producer speaks to Stephen through his earpiece.]
Stephen Mulhern: Sorry, what was that? …wrong show? OH! MY BAD! The votes for the election have been counted, let’s find out who won.
[The lights dim.]
Daddy Pig: (in audience) Come on…
Mummy Pig: (in audience) Please George, please…
SpongeBob: (in audience) YOU CAN DO IT, GEORGE!
Stephen Mulhern: In 3rd place, with the minority of the votes… it’s Mayor Lion.
Mayor Lion: MOTHERFUCKER! THOSE LIBERALS GOT ME AGAIN!
Stephen Mulhern: Bad luck, bruv. Guess you’re not Mayor Lion anymore. You’re just Lion.
Lion: I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!
Stephen Mulhern: You didn’t, son. It’s okay. We have some frozen popsicles in the studios out back.
[Lion starts crying.]
Lion: …thank you…
[Lion walks off stage in tears.]
Stephen Mulhern: This means the new mayor of Peppa Pig World is between Boris Johnson and George Pig.
Peppa: (in audience) COME ON, GEORGE! BEAT HIS ASS!
Stephen Mulhern: So… the winner of the election… 
[Pause for suspense.]
Squidward: (in audience) COME ON, GEORGE!
[The audience starts repeatedly chanting George’s name.]
Stephen Mulhern: The winner of the election… will be announced in a few minutes.
[The audience continues chanting George’s name.]
Stephen Mulhern: I can now reveal that…
[The audience chants George’s name still.]
Stephen Mulhern: BORIS JOHNSON!
Boris Johnson: WHAT?!
Stephen Mulhern: THE MAYOR OF PEPPA PIG WORLD… IS NOT YOU BECAUSE THE WINNER WITH THE MAJORITY OF VOTES IS GEORGE PIG!
[Confetti goes off and a large banner with George’s face on it falls on the back of the stage. The crowd cheers.]
Daddy Pig: (in audience) HE DID IT!
Rocky Robinson: YOU DID IT!
Stephen Mulhern: Congratulations, George Pig! You are the new mayor of Peppa Pig World!
[George looks both shocked and delighted as he walks to the center of the stage, amidst the cheers and applause from the audience.]
George: Dinosaur! Grrrrr!
Stephen Mulhern: That's right, George! You've captured the hearts of the people, and now you have the opportunity to lead Peppa Pig World into a bright future.
[Boris Johnson just stands there disappointed.]
Boris Johnson: Well… it seems Peppa Pig World has spoken, I suppose. I wish George all the best in his mayoral role.
Stephen Mulhern: It really has been an eventful debate.
[The crowd continues cheering as George waves and snorts happily.]
Stephen Mulhern: That wraps up the 2023 Peppa Pig World Election. Thank you to our candidates, the audience, and all our viewers at home. Goodbye everyone! I’m going to Butlins.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E7: Peppa Meets Bluey [August 1, 2023] {thatjess, ChatGPT} ===
[We see the Peppa Pig World playground. All the children are running around and playing and having fun and stuff. The Pig family is also there.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Peppa and George are at the playground today.
George: Slide! Slide!
Peppa Pig Narrator: It looks like George wants to have a go on the slide.
[George giggles.]
Mummy Pig: Go on then, George.
[George keeps giggling as Mummy Pig helps him up the slide’s steps. George gets to the top, looks down, and starts crying.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. George is scared of heights!
Daddy Pig: Aw, George, stop being such a pussy! It’s just a slide.
Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken, George, you’re just a little chicken!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Johnny and Denny are also at the playground.
Mummy Pig: Wait, you don’t have children! The fuck are you doing here?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
Mummy Pig: Oh, okay.
[George continues crying.]
Peppa: Oh, stop it, George! You’re such a baby.
[George keeps crying still.]
Daddy Pig: Ugh, fine. I’ll slide down with you, George.
[Daddy Pig climbs up the steps to the slide and sits George on his lap.]
Peppa: Daddy, the fuck are you doing?! You’re too big for the slide!
Daddy Pig: Don’t be r[censored]d, Peppa! I’m not going to get stuck.
Mummy Pig: She’s right, though. You and your big tummy are going to get stuck!
Daddy Pig: BITCH MY TUMMY IS NOT BIG! AND I’M NOT GOING TO GET STUCK!
Johnny: Well we’ll seeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Daddy Pig: Stand back, everyone! Ready… steady… go!
[Daddy Pig and George go down the slide. Needless to say, Daddy Pig indeed gets stuck.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear! Daddy Pig is stuck!
[Everyone laughs at Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: STOP BULLYING ME! IT’S NOT FUNNY!
Peppa: It’s very funny actually, you fatass!
[Suddenly, Bluey and Bingo come along.]
Bluey: (laughs) What’s a fatass?
Peppa: It’s what my daddy is.
[They both laugh.]
Peppa: Do you want to help me push him down?
Bluey: Yes please!
[Peppa, George, and Bluey all go down the slide but get clogged up by Daddy Pig. Bingo then goes down the slide, giving Daddy Pig the final push to go down to the bottom and land on his back. The group then go down the rest of the slide one by one, landing of Daddy Pig’s tummy as if it were a bouncy castle. Everyone laughs.]
Peppa: You should do some exercise, Daddy!
Bingo: Yeah! On like, um… one of those bike things.
[Everyone laughs again.]
Peppa: I haven’t seen you two before.
Bluey: I’m Bluey, and this is my sister Bingo. 
Bingo: My name is Sparkleshot.
Bluey: It’s Bingo. We’re on holiday from Australia.
Peppa: Ooh! We went on holiday to Australia once. Do you know Kylie Kangaroo?
Bluey: I don’t think so. What breed of dog is she?
Peppa: She’s um… she’s a kangaroo.
Bluey: Oh. There’s only dogs where we live.
Peppa: So it’s like a racially segregated town or something?
Bluey: (laughs) You use lots of funny words. 
Peppa: Thanks, bitch.
Bluey: (giggles) Don’t mention it, “bitch”.
Bingo: Bitch! (giggles) What does “bitch” even mean?!
Peppa: I don’t even know, but my mummy and daddy say it all the time!
Bluey: Well, it’s very fun to say, bitch.
Bingo: Bitch!
[They laugh again.]
Bluey: Do you want to be friends… bitch?
Peppa: Of course, bitch!
George: Bitch!
Bingo: Let’s play a game!
Bluey: Oh yeah! What about musical statues?
Bingo: I love musical statues!
Peppa: What the flying FUCK is musical statues?!
Bluey: Ooh! It’s this really fun game with music and you have to dance to the music but then the music will stop and you have to freeze like a statue!
Bingo: We play it all the time!
Bluey: Yeah! And I always win.
Bingo: Well I always come second.
Bluey: Yeah, you’re good at it too, Bingo.
Peppa: That game sounds r[censored]d. 
Bingo: Oh…
Peppa: Can’t we play something good instead, like Fortnite?
George: Fortnite! Fortnite!
Bluey: But our mum says we’re not allowed to play Fortnite!
Bingo: She says it has, um… violins or something.
Bluey: Yeah! And guns! And guns are wrong and very bad.
Peppa: I don’t give a literal shit what your mummy says. I can’t believe you’ve never played Fortnite! It’s the best game ever! Here, get your phones out and I’ll download it for you.
Bluey: Oh… we don’t have phones.
Peppa: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS LIVING UNDER AN ACTUAL ROCK?!
Bingo: We have a tablet… at home… that we can use on the weekends…
Bluey: Dad says we can’t have a phone until we’re teenagers. 
Peppa: That’s fucking bullshit! Are you even living if you don’t have a phone?
Bingo: (giggles) Fucking bullshit.
Bandit: (off-screen) Bluey! Bingo! Time to go back to our holiday house!
Bluey: Oh, we have to go now.
Peppa: Bruh.
Bluey: Um… will you be here tomorrow?
Peppa: Uh… sure.
Bluey: Okay! Bye Peppa!
Bingo: Bye Peppa and the other one!
[Bluey and Bingo run off to their dad.]
Peppa: How pathetic…
[Cut to Bluey running into her holiday home. Chilli is in the kitchen making food.]
Bluey: We’re back, mum!
Bingo: Yeah, we’re back!
Chilli: Did you have fun at the park?
Bluey: Yeah! I did the monkey bars and did a skip bar one way and then did a skip bar the other way and then we made a new friend!
Chilli: See? I told you you’d make some new friends on holiday.
Bluey: You’re damn right, motherfucker.
[Chilli drops the food she’s making in shock.]
Chilli: (gasp) BLUEY!!!!!!
Bluey: ‘Sup bitch?!
Chilli: Where in the world did you learn this language?!
Bluey: At the fucking park with my new hoe.
[Bandit and Bingo walk in.]
Bingo: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
Chilli: Bandit, did you know about this?
Bandit: Yeah… sorry. They’ve been like this all the way home. I just don’t know what’s gotten into them!
Bluey: Oh shut your bitch-ass mouth up, dad.
Chilli: BLUEY!
Bluey: Did I do that?
Chilli: This behaviour is unacceptable!
Bluey: What behaviour?
Chilli: All these fancy words you’re using!
Bluey: What? They’re just words, bitch.
Chilli: BLUEY! I TOLD YOU TO STOP!
Bingo: Yeah, she told you to stop, you bastard.
Chilli: BINGO!!!!!
[Bingo starts crying and runs off into her holiday bedroom.]
Bluey: Oh now look what you’ve done!
[Cut to the three of them entering Bingo and Bluey’s holiday bedroom. The lights are off and Bingo is curled up on her bed cuddling her dolphin plush “Graydancer”.]
Bandit: …Bingo…?
[Bandit turns the lights on.]
Bandit: Are you okay, kiddo?
Bingo: …why are you angwy at me?
Bandit: Awww. We’re not angry at you, mate. We’re just confused and sad.
Bluey: But why?
Chilli: Because you’ve come home and came out with all these swear words!
Bingo: What’s a swear word?
Bandit: They’re like, um… they’re… well… how do you explain this to a child?
Chilli: Swear words are just words you aren’t supposed to say.
Bluey: Well why not?! Peppa at the playground kept saying them!
Bingo: Yeah… 
Chilli: Is this Peppa your new friend you were talking about?
Bluey: Yeah!
Bandit: Well, she doesn’t sound like a very kind friend.
Bluey: What do you mean?! She was just saying fancy words.
Chilli: But they’re not very nice words, are they?
Bingo: Words can be not nice?
Chilli: Yes, Bingo, and you can hurt people by saying them.
Bandit: Some swear words can make people feel uncomfortable. Others can make people feel bad about themselves.
Bingo: Oh.
Chilli: They’re just… very mean to say. Do you even know what “bitch” means?
Bluey: …well… no…?
Chilli: It means a girl dog.
Bluey: Oh… Peppa was making fun of us for being dogs?
Chilli: I think so, Bluey.
Bluey: Well that’s rude!
Bandit: Well, some people just aren’t nice, you know? Sometimes there’s just not really anything you can do about it.
Bluey: I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone by using mean words.
Bingo: Me too!
Chilli: Do you see now why we shouldn’t say those things?
Bluey and Bingo: Yes, Mum.
Bluey: I promise never to say bitch ever again!
[Pause.]
Bluey: Starting now!
Bandit: That’s my girl!
Bingo: I’m sorry, Mum. I’m sorry, Dad.
Bandit: It’s okay, sweetie. You didn’t know any better. That’s why it’s good to talk about these things.
Bluey: But what about Peppa then? 
Chilli: What do you mean?
Bluey: Do you think she knows that the words she’s saying are bad words?
Bingo: Yeah. She said she learnt them from her parents.
Chilli: Well… I don’t know. 
[Cut back to the Peppa Pig World playground.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: It is the next day. Peppa and George are here at the playground again, waiting for their new friends.
Peppa: UGH! IT’S BEEN A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR! WHERE THE HELL ARE THERE?!
[Pan over to Bluey and Bingo in their granny outfits, slowly walking towards Peppa and George.]
Janet: HERE COMES THE GRANNIES!
Peppa: BLUEY?! 
Janet: Bluey? Who is this Bluey? I’m Rita.
Rita: And I’m Janet.
Peppa: The fuck are you two tarts on?
Janet: How about a lovely drive to the shops?
Rita: Okay, Janet.
[The two get into one of those Little Tikes cars and start riding towards Peppa and George.]
Peppa: What are you-
[Bluey and Bingo run over Peppa and George.]
Janet: Lovely day for a drive, wouldn’t you say, Rita?
Rita: Sure is, Janet.
[The two keep driving, running over everything in their path. The two eventually crash into a sandbox and laugh.]
Janet: Nice parking spot, Rita.
Rita: Thanks, Janet.
[The two giggle and start flossing. Peppa and George just stare in confusion.]
Peppa: I… I actually have no words.
[Bandit approaches Daddy Pig.]
Bandit: Hey, um… are you the father of Peppa and George?
Daddy Pig: Uh… yes? Why?
Bandit: Listen… could we have a chat? Father-to-father?
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?
[Cut to Mummy Pig and Daddy Pg sat down together at their kitchen table.]
Daddy Pig: Listen, Mummy Pig! They’re our children, they look up to us. And they’ve been copying the way we’ve been acting. And it’s spreading to the other children like wildfire!
Mummy Pig: I… I mean… I guess we have been a bit rude to each other recently.
Daddy Pig: A lot, actually. I mean cheating on you with Mummy Sheep is more than a bit rude, I’d say.
Mummy Pig: True… And it was also more than a bit rude of me for kicking you out for like a year even though I had also been cheating on you with Mr. Bull…
Daddy Pig: Hm…
Mummy Pig: What?
Daddy Pig: I think I know what I have to do.
Mummy Pig: What?
[Daddy Pig whips out a ukelele.]
Daddy Pig: TA-DA!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is going to make an apology video.
Mummy Pig: …maybe don’t use the ukelele.
Daddy Pig: Yeah… you’re probably right.
[Cut to Daddy Pig recording the video on his phone.]
Daddy Pig: (addressing the camera) Hey, everyone, it's Daddy Pig. I wanted to talk about something important today. Recently, I've realized that I've said some very mean and hurtful things about certain communities, like the LGBTQ+ community. I've been ignorant and prejudiced, and I want to apologize. I understand now that it's crucial to respect and accept people for who they are. We should all be kind and understanding, no matter our differences. I'm truly sorry for the hurtful things I've said, and I promise to do better.
[Cut to SpongeBob watching the video at The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: (smiling) Aw, this is really nice of him. Admitting when you're wrong takes courage.
[Cut to Bandit and Chilli watching the video.]
Bandit: Babe, look at this! He’s making one of those apology things!
Daddy Pig: (on Bandit’s phone) From now on, I'm going to educate myself. I want to set a better example for my family and friends, including you all. We can all grow and change for the better.
Chilli: Aww… do you think he means this?
Bandit: Ehhh… probably not. But it’s a good first step maybe.
Chilli: Yeah…
[Fin.]
=== (S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E1: The Family Reunion! [August 2, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
SpringBoob SquirePin is buzzing with excitement. He had been planning and preparing for a family reunion with his extended SquarePants clan for months. SpringBoob and his ever-optimistic girlfriend Sassy Cheek are all geared up for a day of family fun. Their son, Timmy, is less enthusiastic.
Timmy: "But Mom, why the flying FUCK do I have to go? I don't even know these r*****d people!"
Sassy: "Timmy, it's important to spend time with family and get to know your father’s cousins. Trust me, it'll be fun!"
Timmy: "Bitch, I could be playing the new Fortnite season right now."
SpringBoob: "Oh shut the fuck up, Timmy. Fortnite’s for babies. Good JewWario…"
Sassy: "Language, SpringeBoob."
SpringBoob is excited to reconnect with his quirky relatives, including cousins SpongeBob SquarePants, SpongeBin Ihatewomen, Stanley and BlackJack.
SpongeBob: "SpringBoob! It's been ages! I've missed you, cousin!"
SpongeBin: "Hey, SpringBoob, you old rascal! Ready to have some fun? I escaped from prison just to attend this reunion!"
The gathering also includes a lively ensemble of other family members, like SpongeBob's persnickety boyfriend, Squidward Tentacles, the adventurous Captain Blue SquarePants, wise Grandma SquarePants, and SpongeBob's parents, Harold and Margaret. The family convenes at Bikini Bottom Park for a day of festivities.
The day begins with animated discussions and spirited games, with cousins SpongeBob and SpongeBin leading the way. Squidward reluctantly engages with the family too.
Squidward: "Don't expect any enthusiasm from me. I'm only here for the food."
SpongeBob: "And because you love me."
Squidward: "You get me so well…"
SpongeBob and Squidward share a passionate kiss. Meanwhile, the competitive spirit takes over as BlackJack and Stanley engage in a legendary arm-wrestling contest, determined to prove who the family's strongest member is. BlackJack effortlessly wins, and Stanley laughs off his loss.
The festivities take an unexpected turn when young Timmy, more bored than ever, decides to add his unique brand of chaos. Annoyed by the grown-up conversations and games, he embarks on a mischievous water balloon assault, targeting family members with relentless force. BlackJack is the first victim.
BlackJack: "Hey, who did that?!"
Stanley: "It's that kid! Timmy, right?"
Before long, most of the family is completely drenched. Despite family members' best attempts to rein in Timmy's watery rebellion, he remains unfazed, continuing his aquatic antics. An unimpressed Squidward finds refuge under a picnic table to protect his pristine demeanor, commenting on the mayhem with his signature sarcasm.
Sassy Cheek: "Timmy, stop that right now!"
SpringBoob SquirePin: "Timmy, this isn't the way to make friends with your cousins!"
Timmy ignores their pleas and intensifies his water balloon attack, causing chaos at the family reunion.
Uncle Sherm: "Arr, what's going on here, lad?"
Captain Blue SquarePants: "It's a water war!"
SpongeBin: "I hate women."
SpongeBob: "Timmy’s a boy."
SpongeBin: "I still hate women."
The family members soon rally together to manage Timmy's water war, but their efforts are initially fruitless. The matriarch of the family, Grandma SquarePants, offers a heartfelt comment about Timmy's youthful exuberance. The rest of the family encourages SpongeBob to guide his nephew.
Finally, SpringBoob, SpongeBob, SpongeBin, and Sassy Cheek manage to quell Timmy's water balloon frenzy. They persuade him to adopt a more considerate approach to family gatherings, making the reunion more enjoyable for everyone.
SpringBoob: "Timmy, that's enough! You've caused quite a stir."
Timmy: "Oh fuck off, Dad, I just want to have some fun!"
SpringBoob: "Timmy, we can have fun without being an embarrassment in front of my entire family!"
SpongeBob: "Embarrassment?"
Stanley: "I’d say today’s been rather fun, actually."
Grandma: "You always were the mischievous one, SpringBoob, I’d say he takes after you."
Uncle Sherm: "I've got to admit, that kid sure knows how to liven up a party!"
SpongeBin: "I still hate women."
With the water balloon war settled, the family shares laughter. Timmy learns that while having fun is essential, it is equally important to respect others.
As the day unfolds, the family members bond even closer than before, while Timmy's water balloon exploits become a hilarious part of the reunion's memories. The SquarePants clan exemplifies that familial ties can endure even the most unusual gatherings.
The story concludes with a group photo, capturing the genuine smiles and love that unite the family. As the sun sets on their unforgettable reunion, the SquarePants clan departs with cherished and comical memories, ensuring that their SuperSpongeLogan gathering will be recounted for years to come. And the fucking video ends there.
=== (S) SuperSpongeLogan S5E7: Timmy Plays Genshin Impact! [August 4, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
The episode begins with Eugene Junior inquiring about everyone's plans for the day. Timmy expresses a desire to go swimming, citing the scorching heat outside, which Eugene Junior readily agrees to. However, just as they're about to head out, Oliver mentions that he's engrossed in playing Genshin Impact. Eugene Junior, taken aback by the unfamiliarity of the game, prompts Oliver to enlighten him, leading to Oliver showcasing various aspects of the game on-screen.
Eugene Junior and Timmy are captivated and enthused by Oliver's demonstration, particularly when he introduces them to a feline character within the game, much to their delight. Oliver proceeds to showcase combat abilities, but Eugene Junior begins to lose interest until Oliver presents the female characters, ultimately grabbing their attention with Ningguang. Eugene Junior's excitement is momentarily dampened when he realizes there's only one PS5 in the house, but Oliver reassures him that Genshin Impact is accessible on multiple platforms, including iOS, Android, PlayStation, and PC, which astonishes Eugene Junior.
Timmy promptly downloads Genshin Impact and selects Amber for her bunny ears, engaging in gameplay alongside Oliver. However, Timmy hastily retreats at the first sign of danger, indulging in food breaks twice while Oliver single-handedly defeats a boss. Upon victory, Timmy falsely claims credit for the accomplishment, much to Oliver's dissatisfaction. SpringBoob enters the scene and reprimands Timmy, grounding him from playing Genshin Impact so SpringBoob can play it instead. Sassy intervenes, challenging SpringBoob's decision, leading him to justify his actions by claiming he was playing on Timmy's behalf.
Initially disapproving of the game, Sassy is swayed when SpringBoob emphasizes its unifying aspect and praises its merits, ultimately persuading Timmy, holding a pile of bills, to join in. They all agree to play, and SpringBoob urges the viewers to download the game. And the fucking video ends there.
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E2: James Corden's Wonderful Manor [August 4, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens on a fiery landscape. James Corden falls down the bottom of an extremely long slide, coughing as the acrid smoke fills his lungs.]
James Corden: (coughs) Oh, blimey! This is a right mess, innit?
[Satan, a towering figure with fiery horns and a wicked grin, emerges from the shadows.]
Satan: Welcome to Hell, James Corden!
James Corden: (nervously) Oh, hello there! You must be Satan, right? The big cheese down here?
Satan: (laughs) Oh, you've got it right, my dear fellow. I've been eagerly waiting for you.
James Corden: (confused) I feel like I've been falling down that slide for a whole year.
Satan: (laughs) Oh right. I was just messing with you. My idea of a joke, that's all.
James Corden: (hesitant) Well it wasn't a funny one... Look, about all that pretending-to-be-SpongeBob thing, I can explain...
Satan: (waves hand dismissively) Oh, don't worry about that. Your little charade doesn't matter down here. In fact, I quite enjoyed your antics. A fresh face like yours adds some spice to this eternal torment.
James Corden: Torment? You mean I'm stuck here for eternity?
Satan: (grinning) Indeed. Welcome to the realm of eternal suffering, my dear James.
James Corden: But why me? I thought I'd end up in Heaven!
Satan: (laughs) Heaven? Oh, that's a good one! I don't think they want your sort up there, mate. You know, your humor might be considered a form of torture to some.
James Corden: (defensively) Hey, people love my humor!
Satan: (laughs) I'm sure they do, in small doses. But down here, we thrive on chaos, and you, my friend, have the potential to cause quite a ruckus.
James Corden: (nervously) So, what's the plan, then? Are you going to torture me with pitchforks and flames?
Satan: (smirking) Oh, I've got plenty of creative ideas for entertaining my new celebrity guest. But first, let's have a little chat, shall we?
[Satan and James Corden sit on a nearby rock, surrounded by flames.]
Satan: You see, James, Hell isn't just about punishment. It's about embracing your true self and letting go of all pretenses.
James Corden: (confused) What do you mean?
Satan: (leaning in) You're known for your charm and wit, but down here, you don't need to put on a show. Be yourself, without filters or scripts. Embrace the darkness within.
James Corden: (skeptical) Embrace the darkness? That doesn't sound like much fun.
Satan: Oh, but it can be liberating. No need to worry about what others think. You can let loose, be as profane and politically incorrect as you want. There are no rules here, James. Just unfiltered expression.
James Corden: (intrigued) Well, I suppose that could be interesting.
Satan: Exactly! Let your true self shine, and you might find that Hell isn't as bad as it seems. In fact, some of the most fun parties happen down here!
James Corden: Parties? In Hell?
Satan: Oh, you have no idea! We've got a great karaoke night every Wednesday, and our stand-up comedy shows are to die for!
James Corden: (smirking) I could definitely get behind that.
Satan: (patting James on the back) That's the spirit! Welcome to Hell, James Corden, where we embrace the chaos and have one hell of a time!
[Satan and James Corden walk through the fiery landscape of Hell, passing by towering mountains of burning skulls and rivers of molten lava. As they approach a massive black castle, Satan grins mischievously.]
Satan: Welcome to your new home, James! I must say, you've got quite the prime spot in Hell.
James Corden: (looking around) It's... something, I'll give you that. But I have to admit, I was hoping for something a bit more, well, posh.
Satan: (laughs) Posh? Oh, we're not really into posh down here. We're all about embracing the darkness and having a good time.
James Corden: Fair enough, I suppose.
Satan: Welcome to Corden Manor!
[They reach the towering black doors of the castle. As they swing open, James is greeted by a mix of eerie darkness and vibrant colors inside.]
James Corden: (intrigued) This is... unexpected.
Satan: (smirking) I thought you might appreciate a little surprise. You see, Corden Manor is all about contrasts. Darkness meets light, chaos meets order, and eccentricity meets elegance.
James Corden: (impressed) I must say, I do like surprises. But how does this work? What am I supposed to do here?
Satan: (placing a hand on James' shoulder) There are no rules, my dear James. This is your space to let loose and be yourself. You can host extravagant parties, invite fellow souls for a hilarious night of comedy, or even create your very own talk show.
James Corden: (excited) Really? A talk show in Hell? That could be brilliant!
Satan: (nodding) Absolutely! Hell is all about embracing individuality and unleashing your creativity without any restraints.
[They walk through various rooms in the castle, each decorated in a unique style.]
James Corden: This room is... wild. I love it!
Satan: (smiling) That's your comedy lounge, where you can rehearse and come up with all your wickedly funny ideas.
James Corden: And what about this room? It's so classy!
Satan: Ah, that's your reading nook. A place to escape from the fiery chaos and indulge in some quiet time.
James Corden: (teasingly) You know me well, Satan!
Satan: (laughs) Of course, I do! I've been keeping an eye on you, James Corden. You've got a spark of devilish charm in you.
James Corden: (playfully) Oh, you flatterer, you!
[Satan and James continue exploring the castle, and James starts to feel more at ease in his new surroundings.]
James Corden: I have to admit, Satan, you've surprised me. Hell isn't what I expected, and this castle is quite the upgrade from my old life.
Satan: (smirking) I told you, James, we're all about embracing the unexpected here. You'll find that Hell can be quite an exciting place.
James Corden: (grinning) You're right. I'm looking forward to making the most of it. So, what's this castle like? Am I sharing it with anyone?
Satan: Oh, I’m glad you asked. let's talk about your new living arrangements. At Corden Manor, you'll have some rather unique roommates. First, there's Harold Shipman, a former doctor turned infamous serial killer. Quite the colorful character, if I do say so myself.
Harold Shipman: (with an eerie smile) Good to meet you, James. I see you're the new addition to our little family here.
James Corden: (shocked) Oh, dear! That's, uh, quite the roommate.
Satan: Oh, but that's not all. Next up is Nicola Bulley, a notorious fraudster and con artist. You might want to keep an eye on your belongings around her.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) Welcome to the party, James! You'll get used to the fiery ambiance.
James Corden: (nervously chuckling) Right, noted.
Satan: Now, brace yourself for an interesting twist. John Lennon, the legendary musician, is also part of the mix.
James Corden: (surprised) John Lennon? The Beatle?
Satan: The one and only. He's had his fair share of controversies in his time.
John Lennon: (smiling) Ah, it's always nice to have new faces around. You're in for a wild ride.
James Corden: (intrigued) I can't deny it will be fascinating to have him around.
Satan: Oh, it gets even more interesting. Say hello to Betty White, the beloved actress, and comedian.
James Corden: (excited) Betty White! She's a legend!
Betty White: (cheerful) Oh, sweetie, I've been here for a while now. It's quite the lively place.
Satan: Don't let her sweet demeanor fool you. She can be quite mischievous.
James Corden: (amused) I can imagine.
Satan: Lastly, there's Gary Shapiro, the baby. He's a bit of an enigma, but you'll find he has a taste for causing trouble.
James Corden: (raising an eyebrow) A baby? In Hell?
SATAN: (smirking) Oh, you'd be surprised at the souls that end up here. Babies can be quite naughty too.
Gary Shapiro: I LOST MY BALLS!
James Corden: (chuckling) It looks like we've got quite the crew here. I never thought I'd end up in Hell with such a diverse bunch of souls.
Harold Shipman: (grinning) Oh, diversity is the spice of Hell, my friend. We all have our unique stories and experiences.
Nicola Bulley: (nodding) Exactly! It's all about embracing who we are, even in the afterlife.
John Lennon: (smirking) You've got that right, mate. No hiding from your true self down here.
Betty White: (winking) And trust me, darling, that's the best part. No need to be prim and proper.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) WHERE ARE MY BALLS?
James Corden: (joining in the laughter) Well, I guess I'll have to leave the prim and proper back in the mortal world. I'm up for some devilish fun!
Harold Shipman: (with a mischievous glint) Oh, there's plenty of fun to be had. Just wait until our comedy nights.
Nicola Bulley: (excitedly) And the karaoke! You won't believe the performances.
John Lennon: (humming) Yeah, we've got some real rockstars down here.
Betty White: (raising an eyebrow) And some pretty eccentric ones, too.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (clapping) Goo goo gaga!
Satan: So there you have it, your eclectic bunch of roommates at Corden Manor.
James Corden: (smiling) Well, it's certainly going to be an... unforgettable experience.
Satan: Indeed, James. Enjoy your stay, and remember, in Hell, anything is possible.
James Corden: (to himself) Corden Manor, a place with quite the personality.
James Corden: (sitting with the others) I have to admit, I never thought I'd find such a sense of belonging in Hell.
Harold Shipman: (smirking) Hell has a way of bringing out the best in us, mate.
Nicola Bulley: (nodding) We're all here because we were unapologetically ourselves, no matter what society thought.
John Lennon: (raising a glass) To embracing our true selves, no matter the consequences.
Betty White: (cheerfully) Cheers to that!
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
[The group clinks their glasses together, and the laughter echoes through the halls of Corden Manor.]
Satan: (smirking) Welcome to your new family, James. Embrace the chaos, and let your soul run free.
James Corden: (grinning) I will, Satan. I will.
[As the fiery landscape of Hell glows with an otherworldly light, James Corden finds his place among the souls of Corden Manor. In this realm of unfiltered expression and boundless creativity, he discovers a sense of freedom like never before.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E3: James Corden's Wonderful Nicola Bulley [August 5, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with the residents of Corden Manor gathered for breakfast in the living room.]
James Corden: (cheerful) Good morning, everyone! Ready for another day in Hell?
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) I NEED MY BALLS!
Betty White: (smiling) I'm always ready for some devilish fun!
Harold Shipman: (mischievously) I hope we're in for some exciting surprises!
John Lennon: (nodding) I have a feeling this will be a day to remember.
[As they enjoy their breakfast, they notice that Nicola Bulley is not among them.]
James Corden: (concerned) Has anyone seen Nicola? She's usually here with us.
Betty White: (worried) Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her this morning.
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) She's probably up to some prank or mischief.
John Lennon: (shaking his head) It's unlike her to skip breakfast without saying anything.
Gary Shapiro: I DON’T HAVE ANY BALLS!
James Corden: (determined) Let's split up and look for her. She might be causing trouble or, worse, in trouble.
[The group separates and begins searching for Nicola throughout Hell. Each character explores different parts of the fiery realm, encountering bizarre and eccentric souls along the way.]
Betty White: (calling out) Nicola! Where are you, darling?
Harold Shipman: (whispering to himself) I bet she's hiding in one of the demon-infested caves.
[John Lennon plays his guitar and sings, hoping that his music will attract Nicola's attention.]
James Corden: (frustrated) She's nowhere to be found!
[Suddenly, they all hear a faint voice calling for help.]
Nicola Bulley: (distant) Help! Someone, please help me!
Betty White: (excited) That's Nicola's voice! It's coming from that way!
[The group follows the sound and arrives at a gloomy and eerie part of Hell. There, they find Nicola struggling to stay afloat in a scorching molten lava lake.]
Nicola Bulley: (frantic) Help! I can't swim! The lava's pulling me down!
Betty White: (concerned) Hang on, Nicola! We'll get you out of there!
Nicola Bulley: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness you're here!
John Lennon: Don't worry, Nicola! We'll get you out of there.
James Corden: (quickly) We need to act fast! Harold, use your mischievous charm to create a distraction and draw the lava away.
Harold Shipman: (determined) You got it, James!
[Harold Shipman conjures up a brilliant distraction by transforming himself into a comical, fire-breathing dragon. The lava lake begins to shift away from Nicola as it follows Harold's fiery antics.]
Nicola Bulley: (relieved) Oh, thank goodness!
John Lennon: (thinking quickly) Betty, extend your walking cane to reach Nicola. I'll lend a hand as well.
[Betty White extends her walking cane, and John Lennon reaches out to pull Nicola from the lava lake.]
John Lennon: (struggling) Come on, Nicola Bulley! You can do it!
[With their combined effort, they manage to pull Nicola to safety just as Harold's distraction fades away.]
Betty White: (hugging Nicola) You're safe now, my dear!
Nicola Bulley: (grateful) Thank you all for saving me! I thought I was done for.
Gary Shapiro: WHERE ARE MY TESTICLES?!
John Lennon: (smiling) No need to thank us. We're a team, and we look out for each other.
James Corden: (concerned) How on Earth did you end up swimming in a lava lake, Nicola?
Nicola Bulley: (embarrassed) I saw this beautiful glow from a distance and thought it was some kind of fiery pond. I had no idea it was lava!
Betty White: (teasing) Oh, Nicola, you've got to be more careful!
Nicola Bulley: (laughing) Lesson learned, Betty!
[Back at Corden Manor, the group reflects on the day's adventure, grateful for Nicola's safety.]
James Corden: (relieved) I'm just glad we were all there to help you, Nicola.
Nicola Bulley: (appreciative) And I'm grateful to have friends like all of you.
Harold Shipman: (playfully) Next time, let's stick to mischief that doesn't involve lava lakes, shall we?
Nicola Bulley: (smirking) Agreed!
John Lennon: (smiling) We've been through a lot together, and we'll always have each other's backs.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) MY BALLS!
[They all share a heartfelt moment, knowing that their bond in Hell is unbreakable.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E4: James Corden's Wonderful Talent Show [August 6, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with James Corden addressing the souls at Corden Manor in Hell. He stands on a makeshift stage, a spotlight illuminating him amidst the fiery backdrop.]
James Corden: Ladies and gentlemen, and souls of all shapes and sizes, I'm delighted to announce that we're hosting a talent show right here in Hell!
[The souls murmur with curiosity and excitement.]
James Corden: Yes, that's right! It's time to show off your unique gifts and abilities. Don't be shy, because Hell's Got Talent!
[The souls look at each other, contemplating whether to participate.]
John Lennon: Come on, mates! It's a great opportunity to express ourselves freely. Let's make this show a hit!
Nicola Bulley: I might just have the perfect magic act for this occasion.
Harold Shipman: (smirking) And I'll be the judge of that, won't I?
Betty White: (cheerfully) Oh, count me in, dearie! I have a stand-up routine that will knock your socks off.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
[The souls start preparing their acts as the excitement builds in Corden Manor. Rehearsals are in full swing, with James Corden coaching and encouraging his friends.]
James Corden: (to Nicola) That magic trick is incredible! You're going to blow everyone's minds.
Nicola Bulley: (grinning) Oh, I'm going to have so much fun with this.
[Meanwhile, Betty White works on her comedy routine, adding her trademark wit and charm to every line.]
Betty White: (to James) I've got a few zingers up my sleeve, James. This crowd is in for a treat.
[John Lennon practices his musical performance with his guitar, filling the manor with soulful melodies.]
John Lennon: (singing) ♫ All you need is love... ♫
[James Corden is moved by John's heartfelt performance.]
James Corden: (wiping a tear) That was beautiful, John.
[The day of the talent show arrives, and Corden Manor is transformed into a spectacular venue with curtains, twinkling lights, and a stage adorned with flames.]
James Corden: (excited) Ladies and gentlemen, demons and souls, welcome to the first-ever talent show in Hell! Tonight, we have some of the most talented individuals from all corners of this fiery realm, ready to showcase their skills. Get ready for an unforgettable evening of surprises and wonders.
[The crowd applauds, and the show begins with Betty White's stand-up comedy act. The audience bursts into laughter with every punchline.]
Betty White: (jokingly) Did you hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no-body to go with!
[The souls cheer and applaud Betty's performance.]
Nicola Bulley: (whispering to Harold) She's brilliant! I hope my magic act lives up to the hype.
Harold Shipman: (whispering back) We shall see, won't we?
[Next up is Gary Shapiro, who surprises everyone with a soulful rendition of a classic song.]
Gary Shapiro: (singing) ♫ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... ♫
[The crowd is moved, and some even shed a tear.]
James Corden: (emotional) Bravo, Gary! That was incredible!
[Nicola Bulley takes the stage next, wowing the audience with her mesmerizing magic tricks.]
Nicola Bulley: And now, for my grand finale, the disappearing act!
[She makes herself vanish and reappear, leaving everyone in awe.]
Harold Shipman: (reluctantly impressed) Not bad. Not bad at all.
[Finally, it's John Lennon's turn to perform. He strums his guitar and begins to sing a song with a powerful message.]
John Lennon: (singing) ♫ Imagine all the people, living life in peace... ♫
[His heartfelt performance touches the souls, and they join in, singing along with him.]
James Corden: (teary-eyed) That was extraordinary, John. Your music always touches the soul!
John Lennon: (smiling) Thank you, James!
James Corden: (grinning) Don’t mention it! Now, who's next?
[The talent show continues with each resident showcasing their unique talents, from stand-up comedy to magical illusions.]
James Corden: (addressing the audience) What an incredible night it has been! We are truly blessed to have such amazing talents among us.
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) And it's all thanks to the wonderful family we have here in Corden Manor!
John Lennon: (nodding) You're right. We may be in Hell, but we've found something special in each other.
[Satan, watching from the side, approaches the group, a hint of appreciation in his eyes.]
Satan: (smiling) I must say, you've all managed to turn a talent show in Hell into quite a heartwarming affair.
James Corden: (grinning) Well, even in Hell, there's room for a bit of fun and laughter!
Satan: (nodding) Indeed there is. Your camaraderie is admirable, and it's refreshing to see such unity among souls here.
Betty White: (playfully) You know what they say, Satan, friends who torment together, stay together!
[Satan chuckles, enjoying the wit and humor of the group.]
Satan: (looking around) Well, it seems I've witnessed quite an extraordinary event today. I shall take my leave, but remember, there are plenty more surprises awaiting you in Hell.
Harold Shipman: (mischievously) We'll be ready for them, Satan!
[As the talent show concludes, the residents of Corden Manor gather together, cherishing the bonds they've formed.]
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) I can't believe how lucky I am to have all of you in my afterlife.
John Lennon: (grateful) And we're lucky to have you too, Nicola.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
Betty White: (patting Gary's head) You're right, Gary. We're a family, and we'll stick together through thick and thin.
James Corden: (raising his glass) To Corden Manor, our little slice of wonderful life in Hell!
[They all raise their glasses, celebrating their friendship and the adventures that await them in the fiery depths of Hell.]
James Corden: (emotionally) Thank you all for sharing your incredible talents tonight. Each one of you is unique and wonderful in your way. Let's remember that in Hell, we are free to be ourselves, to express and embrace our true selves without fear or judgment.
[The crowd erupts into applause, celebrating the message of acceptance and unity.]
John Lennon: (smiling) Well said, James.
[As the episode ends, the souls of Corden Manor come together, realizing that they've found a supportive and caring community in Hell. They gather around James Corden, appreciating the joy and laughter he has brought into their lives.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E5: James Corden's Wonderful Retail Therapy [August 8, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with James Corden and Betty White strolling through the fiery streets of Hell. The blazing inferno is now a bustling marketplace, filled with demon vendors and curious souls.]
James Corden: (excited) Oh, Betty, I must say, I never thought I'd go shopping in Hell!
Betty White: (playfully) Well, darling, Hell has its surprises, doesn't it? And retail therapy is good for the soul, even in the afterlife!
James Corden: (grinning) You're absolutely right! Let's see what kind of devilish deals we can find.
[They walk past a stall with eccentric demon accessories.]
Demon Vendor: (calling out) Step right up! Get your flaming headbands and pitchfork hats here!
James Corden: (trying on a pitchfork hat) Ooh, look at me! I'm positively devilish!
Betty White: (laughing) Oh, James, you wear it so well!
[Suddenly, they spot a stall filled with unique trinkets.]
Betty White: (curious) Oh, what's this?
Demon Vendor 2: Welcome, welcome! Have a look at our enchanted charms and cursed baubles!
James Corden: (playfully) Enchanted charms? Count me in!
[They browse through the trinkets, trying on enchanted rings and bracelets.]
James Corden: (pretending to cast a spell) Abracadabra, Betty! Look at this marvelous ring!
Betty White: (playing along) Oh my, that's magical! But I think I'll stick to my classic pearls.
James Corden: (smirking) Always the epitome of elegance, Betty!
[As they continue exploring, they come across a gourmet demon bakery.]
Betty White: (delighted) Oh, my goodness! I smell devilishly delicious pastries!
James Corden: (salivating) Let's get some treats, Betty!
[They buy an assortment of devil-themed pastries and sit at a nearby table to enjoy them.]
Betty White: (taking a bite) Mmm, these are heavenly!
James Corden: (laughing) Ironic, isn't it? The best pastries are in Hell!
[After their snack, they encounter a peculiar stall selling enchanted mirrors.]
Demon Vendor 3: Behold, the Mirror of Truth! Look deeply into it, and your deepest desires will be revealed!
Betty White: (intrigued) Mirror of Truth? I can't resist!
[As Betty gazes into the mirror, her reflection starts to dance playfully.]
Betty White's Reflection: (giggling) Oh, Betty, you're a fabulous soul, even in Hell!
Betty White: (laughing) Oh, you flatter me!
James Corden: (stepping up) My turn!
[James looks into the mirror, and his reflection starts dancing too.]
James Corden's Reflection: (mocking James) Oh, James, you're just a jolly fellow, aren't ya?
James Corden: (laughing) I can't argue with that!
[As they continue exploring, they stumble upon a hidden gem - a vibrant boutique filled with colorful and unique demon fashion.]
James Corden: (in awe) Oh, Betty, this place is a fashion haven!
Betty White: (grinning) Let's try on some daring outfits, shall we?
[They go through racks of bold demon couture, trying on avant-garde ensembles and flamboyant accessories.]
James Corden: (in a dramatic pose) I feel like a fashion icon!
Betty White: (admiring her reflection) And I'm a trendsetter, darling!
[Suddenly, they hear some catchy music and spot a dance-off happening nearby.]
Demon Dancers: (cheering) Show us your moves!
James Corden: (enthusiastic) Oh, I can't resist a dance battle!
Betty White: (joining in) Neither can I!
[James and Betty showcase their dance moves, setting the dance floor on fire with their energy and charisma.]
Demon Dancers: (applauding) Bravo! Bravo!
James Corden: (panting) That was exhilarating!
Betty White: (beaming) We've still got it, James!
[As the day in Hell comes to a close, James and Betty return to Corden Manor, their hands filled with demon fashion and enchanted trinkets.]
James Corden: (grateful) What a day, Betty! Shopping in Hell is an experience like no other.
Betty White: (smiling) It truly is, darling. A little retail therapy goes a long way, even in the afterlife.
James Corden: (playfully) I have to admit, Betty, you're the best shopping buddy a demon could ask for!
Betty White: (patting James on the back) And you're a delightful companion, my dear.
[They both share a warm smile, cherishing their time together in the fiery realm.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E6: James Corden's Wonderful Harold Shipman [August 9, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with Corden Manor. The gang is gathered in the grand hall, engaged in various activities when James Corden enters, looking visibly unwell.]
Betty White: (concerned) James, you don't look too good. Are you feeling all right?
James Corden: (weakly) Oh, I'm just a bit under the weather, that's all. No need to fuss.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga! (poking James with curiosity)
John Lennon: (raising an eyebrow) Under the weather in Hell? That's a new one.
[Satan, who's lounging nearby, smirks at James' discomfort.]
Satan: (teasingly) Aw, poor James caught a demon cold?
James Corden: (playfully) Oh, come on, Satan. Even demons can get a touch of the sniffles.
Harold Shipman: (leaning in) If you're feeling unwell, James, I can help. After all, I was a doctor back in the mortal world.
James Corden: (smiling weakly) Thanks, Harold, but I think I'll be fine. It's just a minor cold.
Nicola Bulley: (teasingly) Oh, don't be stubborn, James. Let Harold take a look. He might have some remedies up his sleeve.
[Satan chuckles, clearly amused by the situation.]
Harold Shipman: (insisting) Seriously, James, let me check your temperature and give you something to ease your symptoms. No one likes a whiny celebrity.
James Corden: (reluctantly) All right, all right. But only if you promise not to use any unconventional methods.
Harold Shipman: (grinning) You have my word.
[James reluctantly sits down as Harold takes out a medical kit and starts checking his temperature.]
Harold Shipman: (examining) Well, your temperature is a bit elevated, but nothing too alarming. Just a common Hell cold.
James Corden: (sighing) Figures.
Harold Shipman: (handing him a cup of steaming liquid) Here, drink this herbal remedy. It should help soothe your throat and clear your sinuses.
James Corden: (sniffing the liquid) It smells... interesting.
Harold Shipman: (teasingly) Trust me, it's better than my old cough syrup recipe.
[James takes a cautious sip, his expression changing from skeptical to surprised.]
James Corden: (raising an eyebrow) Hey, this is actually not bad!
Harold Shipman: (smirking) See? Sometimes old remedies work wonders.
[As James continues to sip the herbal remedy, the gang watches with amusement.]
Betty White: (winking) Looks like Harold's still got the healing touch.
[Satan leans in, clearly intrigued by the turn of events.]
Satan: (curious) Is that Harold's infamous herbal concoction? I've heard tales about its magical effects.
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) Well, not magical, but effective.
[As the herbal remedy works its magic, James' energy starts to return, and his cold symptoms begin to subside.]
James Corden: (looking surprised) I can actually feel the difference. Harold, you might be onto something here.
Harold Shipman: (smirking) I told you, James. Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways.
[With James feeling much better, the gang continues their activities, and the atmosphere in Corden Manor becomes lively once again.]
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E8: Cheaters Run in the Family! [August 10, 2023] {MrDaGuy} ===
[Cut to SpongeBob's pineapple, where SpongeBob is in his closet, kissing a picture of Squidward. Someone rings the doorbell.]
Daddy Pig: I'll get it!
[Daddy Pig opens the front door]
Daddy Pig: Hi Sandy!
Sandy: Hi Daddy Pig! 
Daddy Pig: What brings you here?
Sandy: Today me and SpongeBob are going on a date? Do you know where he is?
Daddy Pig: He's in his closet.
Sandy: Thanks.
[Sandy goes into SpongeBob's room and opens the closet door, seeing SpongeBob kissing a picture of Squidward]
Sandy: *screams*
SpongeBob: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
[Cut to Sandy angerly leaving the pineapple.] 
SpongeBob: SANDY, WAIT!
Daddy Pig: What's going on?
SpongeBob: I don't really want to talk about it.
[Uncle Pig walks in.]
Uncle Pig: Hey Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: What?
Uncle Pig: You said you where going back to your family today, right?
Daddy Pig: Right.
Uncle Pig: I'm thinking maybe today we can find out why Mum cheated on Dad!
Daddy Pig: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Hey, I wanted Daddy Pig over so me and him could spend time together, not so he could spend a lot of time with you!
Uncle Pig: I just want to give him closure, that's all!
SpongeBob: Well you can do that some other time, because I want Daddy Pig to spend the day with me! Uncle Pig?
Uncle Pig: Yes?
SpongeBob: You are kicked out of this house until Daddy Pig goes back to his family!
Uncle Pig: WHAT?
SpongeBob: OUT!
[Uncle Pig sadly leaves the house]
Daddy Pig: That reminds me, I was supposed to go back to my house 10 minutes ago!
[Uncle Pig walks back in the house] 
Uncle Pig: That was a rough 5 seconds!
[Cut to Walter White in Saul's office]
Saul: So let me get this straight: You shot the PI CEO and now want to change your name to "Balter Black"?
Walter White: Yes. 
Saul: Alright, here's you new driver's license and address.
Balter Black: Thank you.
[Balt looks at the address, with the address being the address for New Locationer McGee. Cut to Balt driving up to the house and knocking on the door]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here. Who the fuck are you?
Balter Black: My name is Balter Bartwell Black. I live at *looks at the piece of paper saying the address* here.
Scott the Woz: Welcome! You can sleep on the couch until I get you a bed.
Batler Black: Thanks.
 
[Cut to Balt's car, which is on the road. Pan over to Daddy Pig in his car. Due to the fact he's looking at his phone instead of the road, he accidentally rear ends Balt's car]
Daddy Pig: GOD DAMNIT!
[Balt looks over at his car and screams]
Daddy Pig: Uh oh. 
[Daddy Pig then drives off. Cut to Daddy Pig arriving at his house]
Peppa: Daddy!
Daddy Pig: Hi Peppa!
[Daddy Pig walks into the House. Suddenly, the phone rings]
Daddy Pig: Hello?
Uncle Pig: Hi Daddy Pig. I'm in your driveway.
Daddy Pig: Cool.
Uncle Pig: Wanna find out why mom cheated?
Daddy Pig: Sure! *hangs up* Hey family, I'll be back in a bit. Gonna do something with Uncle Pig.
Mummy Pig: Ok, bye!
[Cut to Uncle Pig's car parking in front of Mummy Daddy Pig's house]
Uncle Pig: Here we go.
[Cut to Larry the Lobster with his dad]
Larry: It's great you found your long lost son, dad!
Larry's Dad: Yeah!
[Suddenly, crying can be heard in the background]
Larry's Dad: What's that sound?
Larry: I'll go check it out.
[Larry goes over to the source of the crying, Sandy Cheeks]
Sandy: *sobbing*
Larry: Sandy, what's wrong?
Sandy: SpongeBob's gay! *sobs louder*
[Pause.]
Larry: That was kind of obvious lmao.
Sandy: Go fuck yourself, Larry. SpongeBob loved me! We were dating! 
Larry: Maybe his friend Daddy Pig infected him with gay!
[Pause.]
Sandy: What the hell are you talking about.
Larry: Maybe that Daddy Pig is also one of those illegal immigrants!
[Pause.]
Narrator: Larry is a homophobe and a racist
Sandy: LARRY!
Larry: I'm gonna find that Daddy Pig, and make him ungay SpongeBob!
Sandy: Larry what the fu-
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Uncle Pig at the Shady Shoals Retirement Home]
Daddy Pig: This is it. I'll finally know why I was born!
[Daddy Pig knocks on Mummy Daddy Pig's door.]
Mummy Daddy Pig: Hello?
Daddy Pig: Mom, why did you cheat on dad?
Mummy Daddy Pig: Because he's a big *long bleep*. That's also why I didn't tell you when he died!
[Mummy Daddy Pig slams the door]
[Pause.]
Uncle Pig: Welp, there's your answer. I'm gonna go take a giant shit.
[Uncle Pig walks over to the bathroom. Just after he enters, A mysterious figure puts a bag over Daddy Pig's head.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E7: James Corden's Wonderful Comedy Roast of Satan [August 11, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode begins with a bustling atmosphere in Corden Manor. The grand hall has been decorated with fiery banners, and a stage is set up at the front.]
James Corden: (excitedly) Ladies and gentlemen, demons and souls, tonight is a special night! We're about to have the Comedy Roast of none other than our esteemed host, Satan!
[Satan, with a devilish grin, stands at the side of the stage, looking amused and slightly apprehensive.]
Satan: (smirking) You all better be ready to bring your best material. I can take it!
[The gang, including Betty White, Harold Shipman, John Lennon, Gary Shapiro, and Nicola Bulley, are gathered in the audience, waiting eagerly for the show to begin.]
Betty White: (grinning) This is going to be quite the roast!
John Lennon: (teasingly) I hope they're prepared for some fiery comebacks.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
[On the stage, James Corden steps up to the microphone as the roastmaster.]
James Corden: (smiling) Welcome to the Comedy Roast of Satan! Tonight, we have some of Hell's funniest souls ready to unleash their devilish wit on our favorite host.
[Satan feigns being unfazed, but there's a hint of curiosity in his eyes.]
James Corden: Our first roaster needs no introduction. The one and only, Betty White!
[Betty confidently walks up to the stage, drawing cheers and applause from the audience.]
Betty White: (grinning) Thank you, James! Now, let's see if I can roast Satan without getting banished!
[The audience laughs, and Betty begins her roast with witty jabs and playful insults. She cleverly weaves stories about Satan's past mischiefs into her jokes.]
Betty White: (laughing) You know, Satan, I've seen some devilishly terrible hairstyles in my time, but yours takes the cake!
[Satan chuckles, clearly enjoying the lighthearted banter.]
Next up, it's Harold Shipman's turn. As the former doctor takes the stage, he surprises everyone by bringing his signature dark humor to the roast.]
Harold Shipman: (smirking) I've seen my fair share of suffering, but being stuck in meetings with you, Satan, tops it all!
[The audience bursts into laughter, and even Satan can't help but chuckle.]
[As the night goes on, John Lennon, Gary Shapiro, and Nicola Bulley also take their turns roasting Satan. John peppers his jokes with musical puns, Gary delivers his gibberish with perfect comedic timing, and Nicola hilariously recounts the times Satan's mischievous plans backfired.]
James Corden: (smiling) What a fantastic roast! But now, it's time for the man himself to take the stage. Give it up for Satan!
[Satan, with an amused glint in his eyes, walks up to the microphone, ready to face his roasters head-on.]
Satan: (smirking) Well, well, well, what do we have here? A bunch of souls who think they can outwit the Prince of Darkness?
[The audience chuckles nervously, wondering what's coming next.]
Satan: (playfully) James, my dear friend, you may be the host, but your impressions of me are simply awful!
[James Corden looks mock-offended, and the audience erupts in laughter.]
Satan: (looking at Betty White) Betty, I've been around since the dawn of time, and yet, you're still older than me!
[Betty throws her head back in laughter, taking the teasing in stride.]
Satan: (to Harold Shipman) Harold, your bedside manner is terrible, but I must say, you've got quite the bedside humor!
[Harold gives a mischievous grin, playing along with Satan's jokes.]
Satan: (looking at John Lennon) Ah, John, your music might have been revolutionary, but your puns are pure evil!
[John laughs heartily, raising a glass to Satan in acknowledgment.]
Satan: (gently teasing Gary Shapiro) And Gary, my little mischief-maker, your screams could rival the souls in the deepest pits of Hell!
[Gary giggles, clearly enjoying the attention.]
Satan: (finally addressing Nicola Bulley) And Nicola, I must say, your cons and scams were almost impressive enough to match my own!
[Nicola playfully rolls her eyes, acknowledging Satan's clever comeback.]
[Satan's roasting session turns into a comedic battle of wits with the rest of the gang. As the night goes on, the atmosphere becomes one of camaraderie and laughter.]
James Corden: (laughing) What an incredible night! Satan, you're a great sport!
Satan: (grinning) I must admit, it's been a long time since I've had such a good time. Thank you all for the laughs!
[The gang and the audience applaud, ending the Comedy Roast of Satan with joyous spirits and newfound camaraderie in Hell.]
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E8: James Corden's Wonderful Woodle Tree Adventures [August 12, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode begins in the vibrant and chaotic world of Corden Manor. James Corden, Harold Shipman, Nicola Bulley, John Lennon, Betty White, and Gary Shapiro (the baby) are gathered in the living room, surrounded by the high-tech equipment of the PS5.]
James Corden: (enthusiastically) Alright, mates! Get ready for an epic adventure in the magical realm of gaming with the mighty PS5! We're diving into "Woodle Tree Adventures"!
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) "Woodle Tree Adventures"? Sounds a bit... whimsical, doesn't it?
Nicola Bulley: (grinning) Oh, come on, Harold! Whimsy is timeless, and it's even better in glorious next-gen graphics!
John Lennon: (smirking) I'm up for it. Let's see what this "Woodle Tree" is all about.
Betty White: (enthusiastically) I've heard good things about this game. They say it's a delightful experience.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
James Corden: (grabbing a DualSense controller) Fantastic! Let's dive into this magical world!
[They start the game, and the living room is transformed into a mesmerizing, fantastical forest with stunning graphics and immersive sound.]
James Corden: Look at this! We're in a world of talking trees and magical creatures. It's like a fairy tale!
Harold Shipman: (looking around) I have to admit, this place is surprisingly charming.
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) See? Embrace the whimsy, Harold!
John Lennon: (exploring) It's quite peaceful here. A nice change from the chaos of Hell.
Betty White: (admiring the scenery) I could get used to this. It's so... magical.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (pointing) Goo goo gaga!
[As they progress through the game, they encounter friendly forest creatures and tackle various challenges.]
James Corden: (laughing) Look at us, jumping on mushrooms and collecting shiny gems! This is a blast!
Harold Shipman: (grinning) I have to admit, it's oddly satisfying.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) See, Harold? Whimsy can be quite enjoyable!
John Lennon: (smirking) It's a bit like a psychedelic trip, isn't it?
Betty White: (enthusiastically) I'm loving every moment of this!
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
[As they progress further, they encounter a challenging level with tricky platforming.]
James Corden: Alright, team, this level is a bit tricky, but with the PS5's next-gen tech, we'll conquer it!
Harold Shipman: (determined) Let's give it our best shot, and let's not forget to appreciate the technology while we're at it.
Nicola Bulley: (focused) We've got this, and we'll feel every bit of it thanks to this incredible controller.
John Lennon: (encouraging) Teamwork, and don't forget to feel the game through the DualSense!
Betty White: (optimistic) We're in for a challenge, but this tech adds a whole new layer of excitement.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (clapping) Goo goo gaga!
[They work together, guiding their characters through the challenging platforming section, and after a few attempts, they succeed.]
James Corden: (proudly) We did it! Teamwork makes the dream work! And the PS5 made it all the more incredible!
Harold Shipman: (catching his breath) I can't believe we made it through that.
Nicola Bulley: (victoriously) We're a force to be reckoned with!
John Lennon: (smirking) See, in the end, it's all about persistence.
Betty White: (cheerful) That was quite the adventure!
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
[The group plays "Woodle Tree Adventures" on the PS5 well into the evening, sharing laughs and enjoying the unique world they've immersed themselves in. As the final level is conquered, they gather around the screen, feeling a sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.]
James Corden: (clapping) What a fantastic adventure, everyone! We've proven that even in the depths of Hell, we can find joy, laughter, and a bit of whimsy.
Harold Shipman: (smirking) I must admit, I didn't expect to have this much fun, especially with a game like this.
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastically) It just goes to show that sometimes, the simplest pleasures can bring the most delight.
John Lennon: (smiling) And the wonders of modern technology can add a unique twist to any experience.
Betty White: (cheerful) I've had an absolute blast, and it's all thanks to this incredible game and our wonderful gang.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
James Corden: As the credits roll, let's take a moment to appreciate the journey we've had, not just in the game but in this wild place called Corden Manor.
Harold Shipman: (grinning) It was surprisingly fun, I have to admit.
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastically) I told you, Harold! Whimsy can be a wonderful thing.
Harold Shipman: (nodding) It's been an unexpected, yet strangely fulfilling adventure.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) And a reminder that laughter and good company can be found in the most unexpected of places.
John Lennon: (content) It's been a far-out day, my friends. And the PS5 added an extra layer of magic. Let's keep embracing the unexpected.
Betty White: (raising a glass) To whimsy, camaraderie, and the magic of gaming!
Gary Shapiro the baby: (clapping) Goo goo gaga!
[They raise their glasses, celebrating the unique bond they've formed and the joyful moments they've shared. As the credits of the game finish rolling, the living room of Corden Manor feels warm and filled with laughter.]
James Corden: And so, another adventure concludes, but the spirit of fun and togetherness lives on in Corden Manor!
Harold Shipman: (smiling) Cheers to the simple pleasures and the magic of gaming.
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastically) Cheers to our quirky gang and the wonderful world we've created.
John Lennon: (content) Cheers to embracing the whimsy, no matter where we find it.
Betty White: (cheerful) Cheers to new experiences, unexpected friendships, and the joy of laughter.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
[As the night continues, the gang enjoys each other's company, sharing stories, laughter, and looking forward to the next adventure in their quirky, whimsical world within the depths of Corden Manor.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E9: James Corden's Wonderful John Lennon [August 13, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode begins with James Corden and John Lennon at Corden Manor, where an old jukebox sits in the corner of their room.]
James Corden: (excited) John, have I got something fantastic to show you! Check out this vintage jukebox.
John Lennon: (curious) A jukebox, eh? I haven't seen one of those in ages. What's the story?
James Corden: (grinning) It's got all the classic hits, and I thought it'd be brilliant to take a musical journey through time.
John Lennon: (smiling) I'm up for it! Let's give it a whirl.
[James inserts a coin, and the jukebox comes to life, playing an iconic rock 'n' roll song from the '60s.]
James Corden: (singing along) "Oh, twist and shout, come on, come on, come on, come on, baby now!"
John Lennon: (joining in) "Come on, baby! Work it on out!"
[They dance and sing along to the music, enjoying the timeless melodies.]
James Corden: (laughing) You've still got it, John! Your voice is like a time machine to the golden age of rock.
John Lennon: (blushing) Thanks, mate. It's all about feeling the music, isn't it?
[They switch to a soulful ballad, swaying to the rhythm.]
James Corden: (moved) You know, John, your music has touched millions of hearts, and it continues to inspire generations.
John Lennon: (reflective) I've always believed in the power of music, the universal language that connects us all.
[As the jukebox plays more classics, their roommates gather, drawn by the music.]
Harold Shipman: (grinning) I haven't heard tunes like these in ages!
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastic) It's like a blast from the past! The soul of the '60s lives on!
Betty White: (cheerful) Oh, I remember dancing to these songs. Good times, indeed.
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
Satan: (smirking) A little trip down memory lane, Corden and Lennon? I must say, this is quite the delightful surprise.
James Corden: (proudly) We thought we'd bring some musical magic to the Manor, Satan!
John Lennon: (grinning) It's all about spreading the love, isn't it?
Satan: (nodding) Indeed, it is. Music has a way of uniting souls, even in Hell.
[They continue dancing, singing, and sharing stories about the impact of music on their lives.]
James Corden: (excited) John, how about we jam together? You on the guitar, and I'll bring the comedic flair!
John Lennon: (enthusiastic) I'd love that, James! Let's create a rock 'n' roll rhapsody!
[James grabs a microphone, and John picks up an acoustic guitar, and they start an impromptu performance, combining John's soulful melodies with James' lively humor.]
James Corden: (singing) "Imagine all the people, living life in peace..."
John Lennon: (playing the guitar) "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..."
[Their performance fills the room with an electrifying energy, and their roommates join in, singing along.]
Harold Shipman: (joining the chorus) "I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one!"
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastically) "Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can..."
Betty White: (cheerfully) "Nothing to kill or die for, a brotherhood of man!"
Gary Shapiro the baby: (giggling) "Goo goo gaga!"
[The song ends, and the roommates applaud, sharing a moment of unity and joy.]
John Lennon: (smiling) Music has a way of bringing people together, no matter where they are.
James Corden: (grateful) It sure does, John. Thanks for sharing this incredible journey with me.
Satan: (applauding) Well done, Corden and Lennon! Your music has stirred up quite the excitement in Hell.
John Lennon: (humbling) We're just spreading the love, Satan. Music has the power to change the world.
[As the roommates continue their festivities, dancing and singing to the timeless tunes, the episode ends with a sense of camaraderie, laughter, and the magic of music.]
Narrator: (voiceover) In the heart of the enchanting Corden Manor, James Corden and John Lennon unleash the magic of music, uniting souls and creating a rockin' rhapsody that echoes through the halls of Hell.
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E10: James Corden's Wonderful Stinky Pants Gary [August 14, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in the living room of Corden Manor, with the main characters gathered around a table. A chorus of baby giggles fills the air as Gary Shapiro, the baby, happily crawls around, seemingly oblivious to the impending discussion.]
James Corden: (raising his hand) Alright, folks, we need to address the diaper situation. It's Stinky Pants Gary's diapey wipey time.
John Lennon: (leaning back) Ah, come on, mate, I changed the last one. It's your turn, James.
Satan: (grinning) Oh, I think it's high time for a diaper change with a touch of hellfire flair.
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) You two argue as if changing diapers is a burden. I'm up for the task, no complaints.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) Oh, let's not forget our guest of honour, Betty. She hasn't had a go at diaper duty yet.
Betty White: (with a twinkle in her eye) Well, I've done a lot of things in my life, but changing a baby's diaper in Hell might just be the cherry on top!
[Gary gurgles happily, completely unaware of the discussion.]
James Corden: (defiantly) Look, I know it's not the most glamorous task, but it's our responsibility. We can't just keep passing it around like a hot potato.
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) Oh, but it's so much fun to see who gets stuck with the diaper duty.
John Lennon: (rolling his eyes) Fine, let's settle this like adults. We'll draw straws, and the one who picks the shortest straw changes Gary's diaper.
[Everyone reluctantly agrees, and they grab straws from a nearby vase. After a brief suspenseful moment, they reveal their straws.]
James Corden: (holding the shortest straw) Well, I guess it's my turn. Off I go to change Gary's diapey wipey.
Satan: (chuckling) Have fun, James. Remember, it's all part of the Hellish bonding experience.
John Lennon: (crossing his arms) Hold on a minute, folks. Gary here is not just any baby. He's a war veteran!
Everyone: (surprised) What?
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) I'm a hero, you know!
James Corden: (confused) A war veteran? What are you talking about, John? He’s a baby!
John Lennon: (seriously) Gary may be a baby now, but he's not just any baby. He's a war veteran who fought bravely in Ukraine before arriving in Hell.
James Corden: (raising an eyebrow) A war veteran? In Ukraine?
Nicola Bulley: (nodding) I was there! That was one fierce battle.
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) This adds a whole new layer to our little group.
Satan: (grinning) A war hero among us, how intriguing!
Betty White: (playfully) My, my, Gary, you're not just any baby. You're a legendary warrior, a true diaper commando!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) I've earned that title!
James Corden: (laughing) Fair enough, John. But, as much as I’d rather not take on the task, let's not let his war veteran status exempt him from having his diapey wipey changed.
John Lennon: (smirking) Oh, I'm not suggesting that. In fact, I think Stinky Pants Gary should change his own diaper.
Nicola Bulley: (raising an eyebrow) Change his own diaper? How's that going to work?
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) This ought to be interesting. Go on, John, enlighten us.
John Lennon: (seriously) Well, we've witnessed some of Gary's unexpected talents before. I say we put them to good use. Gary, it's time to change your own diaper, mate!
Satan: (grinning) I like the way you're thinking, John. Let's see if Stinky Pants Gary has any diaper-changing skills up his tiny sleeves.
Betty White: (playfully) Well, this is a twist I didn't see coming. Go on, Gary, show us what you've got!
[Gary looks at the group with a mischievous glint in his eyes, as if he's fully onboard with the challenge.]
James Corden: (chuckling) Alright, Stinky Pants Gary, prove to us that you're more than just a baby.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Challenge accepted!
[The group watches in anticipation as Gary confidently reaches for the diaper-changing supplies, displaying surprising dexterity for a baby. He proceeds to change his own diaper with a surprising level of skill and efficiency, earning cheers and applause from the others.]
John Lennon: (applauding) Bravo, Stinky Pants Gary! That was truly impressive!
Nicola Bulley: (amused) Well, I'll be. Who knew Gary had such hidden talents?
Harold Shipman: (nodding) It seems our Stinky Pants has some unexpected tricks up his diaper!
Satan: (clapping) A round of applause for the diaper-changing prodigy!
Betty White: (cheerful) That was a sight to behold, darling. Stinky Pants Gary, you've surprised us all!
James Corden: (grinning) Alright, Stinky Pants Gary, I'm officially impressed. And we’ve earned a break from diaper duty!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Thanks, everyone!
[The episode ends with laughter, camaraderie, and a newfound respect for Stinky Pants Gary's surprising abilities. As the characters go about their day, there's a sense of joy and appreciation for the unique adventures they share in Corden Manor.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E11: James Corden's Wonderful Amogus [August 15, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with the main characters gathered in the living room of Corden Manor, engaged in a lively discussion about their recent activities.]
James Corden: (enthusiastically) I've got to say, that karaoke night was a blast, wasn't it?
John Lennon: (smirking) Aye, especially when you tried hitting those high notes, James.
Satan: (laughing) I must admit, your rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" was quite the spectacle.
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) Yes, and let's not forget the unexpected dance-off between Betty and Nicola.
Nicola Bulley: (laughing) Oh, that was all in good fun, Harold!
Betty White: (cheerfully) Well, I've still got some moves left in me!
[Just then, Gary Shapiro, the baby, lets out a mischievous giggle that catches everyone's attention.]
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
James Corden: (smiling) And our little Stinky Pants Gary is joining the conversation too.
John Lennon: (chuckling) Stinky Pants, huh? Seems like that nickname is sticking around.
[As the laughter subsides, a moment of silence fills the room as everyone exchanges glances.]
Satan: (curious) Actually, speaking of nicknames, has anyone else noticed something peculiar lately?
Nicola Bulley: (raising an eyebrow) Peculiar? What do you mean?
Harold Shipman: (nodding) Yes, Satan, elaborate a bit more.
Satan: (leaning in) I've been hearing rumors from my little minions in the depths of Hell. There's a whisper going around that there might be an impostor among us.
James Corden: (surprised) An impostor? What are you talking about?
Betty White: (playfully) Oh dear, are we in the midst of a diabolical mystery?
John Lennon: (raising an eyebrow) An impostor in Corden Manor? That's quite the accusation.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) I see, I see!
Satan: (smirking) It's all just rumors for now, but you know how these things start. I thought we might want to investigate before things get out of hand.
Nicola Bulley: (intrigued) Investigate? Like a detective team?
Harold Shipman: (nodding) Well, it wouldn't be the first time we've found ourselves entangled in some chaos.
James Corden: (grinning) I've got to admit, the idea of us solving a mystery does sound rather exciting.
Betty White: (cheerful) Count me in! I've always wanted to be a part of a mystery-solving team.
John Lennon: (smirking) Looks like we've got ourselves a new adventure, folks.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Adventure!
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) Excellent! Let's put on our detective hats and start looking for clues. We'll get to the bottom of this impostor mystery together.
[As the characters eagerly agree, a sense of excitement fills the room. Little do they know, their investigation will lead to unexpected twists and turns, uncovering secrets they never could have anticipated. After a series of humorous misadventures and wild goose chases, the gang finally gathers in the living room of Corden Manor, exhausted but determined to reveal the identity of the impostor.]
James Corden: (rubbing his temples) I can't believe we've been chasing our tails all day.
John Lennon: (smirking) Well, it wouldn't be an adventure without a bit of chaos, would it?
Satan: (chuckling) Indeed, it seems our detective skills are a tad rusty.
Nicola Bulley: (exasperated) So, after all that, do we have any leads on the impostor?
Harold Shipman: (scratching his head) Not a clue. We've questioned every corner of Corden Manor, and everyone seems to be who they say they are.
Betty White: (playfully) Perhaps the impostor was just a figment of our imagination.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Silly goose!
[Just then, a mysterious figure enters the room, cloaked in shadows. The gang tenses up, ready for anything.]
Mysterious Figure: (revealing themselves) Hold on a minute, mates! It's just me, George Harrison!
James Corden: (surprised) George Harrison? What are you doing here?
George Harrison: (chuckling) I heard you were all investigating an impostor, and I thought I'd drop by to see what's going on.
John Lennon: (raising an eyebrow) George, were you the impostor all along?
George Harrison: (laughing) Nah, not really. I just thought I'd play a little prank on you lot.
Satan: (smirking) A prank? You certainly had us going there for a moment.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) So, there was no impostor after all?
George Harrison: (grinning) Nope, just a bit of mischief on my part. Figured you could use a dose of the unexpected.
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) Well, you certainly delivered that.
Betty White: (cheerful) Oh, George, you're always full of surprises.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Funny man!
[As the tension dissipates and laughter fills the room, the gang realizes that sometimes the most enjoyable mysteries are the ones that lead to unexpected laughter and camaraderie.]
James Corden: (grinning) Alright, George, you got us good.
George Harrison: (winking) That's what friends are for, right?
John Lennon: (smirking) Well, if anything, this whole ordeal brought us closer together.
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) And reminded us that even in Hell, we can find moments of levity.
Nicola Bulley: (nodding) Mystery solved, even if it wasn't quite the mystery we thought it was.
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) So, George, are you up for joining us in our next adventure?
Betty White: (playfully) You'd fit right in with this bunch of chaos-makers.
George Harrison: (laughing) I'd be honored to join the gang for another round of shenanigans.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Yay, George!
[The episode ends with the gang sharing laughter, bonding over their latest escapade, and looking forward to the next unpredictable adventure in Corden Manor.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E12: James Corden's Wonderful Sonichu [August 17, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in the zany world of Corden Manor, where the characters are busy with their usual shenanigans. Suddenly, a burst of colorful energy fills the air, and out steps Sonichu, a powerful electric hedgehog Pokémon hybrid.]
Sonichu: (striking a heroic pose) Zap to the extreme! Sonichu is here to save the day!
James Corden: (bewildered) Well, blimey, who's this electric fellow?
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) It seems we've got a new and electrifying guest.
Betty White: (curious) My, oh my, what an energetic entrance!
Sonichu: (grinning) You betcha! Gotta keep the energy levels high, even in a place like this!
John Lennon: (chuckling) We've seen our fair share of energetic personalities, but you've got quite the spark, mate.
Nicola Bulley: (smirking) So, what brings you to our crazy corner of existence, Sonichu?
Sonichu: (enthusiastic) Adventure, fun, and spreading positivity! Just the usual heroic stuff.
Harold Shipman: (nodding) A hero, you say? We're quite the mix of characters here, heroics included.
Satan: (grinning) A speedy and electric hero, just what we needed to add to our collection.
Sonichu: (striking a pose) Speaking of which, have any of you encountered my arch-nemesis, Chris-Chan?
James Corden: Chris-Chan? Sounds like someone who'd fit right in with our odd bunch.
Satan: (smirking) Chris-Chan, you say? Well, we're no strangers to eccentric characters.
Betty White: (raising an eyebrow) If they're anything like us, they'll feel right at home.
Sonichu: (enthusiastic) That's what I like to hear! But enough about me. Let's brighten up this place with some electrifying adventures!
James Corden: (laughing) Sonichu, get ready for some chaos, because that's what we do best.
Satan: (grinning) Since you're all about spreading positivity, let's see how you handle our unique brand of chaos.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) Brace yourself, because things are about to get wild.
Sonichu: (cracking his knuckles) Ready to light up this place with some high-voltage fun!
[As Sonichu joins the gang, Corden Manor transforms into an explosion of laughter, energy, and unpredictable twists. From lightning-fast challenges to heartwarming moments, Sonichu's positivity and power add a new layer of excitement to their chaotic escapades.]
[After a series of wild adventures, the time comes for Sonichu to bid farewell.]
Sonichu: (catching his breath) Wow, this place is a whole new level of wacky! You guys really know how to keep things charged!
James Corden: (laughing) Well, we've got our fair share of oddities, that's for sure.
Sonichu: (smirking) And I've had my fair share of shocking encounters. But I have to say, your kind of chaos is quite...energizing.
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) Energizing chaos? That's a new one.
Betty White: (grinning) Sometimes, embracing the unexpected is the best way to keep things lively.
Sonichu: (nodding) You're absolutely right. Thanks for welcoming me into your wonderfully chaotic world!
John Lennon: (raising his glass) Here's to new friendships and electrifying chaos!
[They clink their glasses together, and Sonichu's trademark enthusiasm sets the tone for a continuation of their adventurous escapades, as he becomes an integral part of the dynamic group in Corden Manor.]
[Sonichu: (smiling) It's been a blast, folks, but my hometown of CWCville needs me. Time to zip back and keep the positivity flowing there!]
[With a burst of energy, Sonichu says his farewells and disappears in a flash of colorful light, leaving behind a sense of inspiration and camaraderie.]
[The episode fades out, leaving the audience excited to see how Sonichu's positive energy will continue to light up his own adventures in CWCville.]
=== (V†) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S1E13: James Corden's Wonderful James Corden [August 18, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with a sense of unease settling over Corden Manor. Unexplainable glitches in the surroundings and odd occurrences leave the gang puzzled and on edge.]
James Corden: (looking around) Something's not right. Did anyone else see that lamp just disappear?
John Lennon: (raising an eyebrow) You mean the one that vanished into thin air? Yeah, I noticed.
Satan: (grinning) Ah, the delightful chaos of Hell. What a splendid way to start the day.
Betty White: (playfully) Well, this chaos is getting a tad too chaotic for my taste.
Nicola Bulley: (nervously) Is it just me, or are the walls shifting?
Harold Shipman: (chuckling) Oh, come now, it's just Hell being its unpredictable self.
[As the gang continues to discuss the strange occurrences, an ominous hum fills the air. Suddenly, a shimmering rift appears in the room, distorting the space around it.]
James Corden: (wide-eyed) And now we've got a rift! Lovely!
Betty White: (optimistic) Perhaps it's that delightful electric hedgehog Sonichu again!
[The rift grows larger, revealing glimpses of unfamiliar landscapes and echoes of voices from other dimensions. The gang watches in amazement as their alternate reality counterparts step through the rift, staring back at them with equal surprise.]
Alternate James: (confused) Hold on a sec, are you all... us?
Alternate John: (raising an eyebrow) Well, this is a twist.
[The two groups exchange introductions and the gang learns that they come from a dimension of heavenly bliss rather than Hell.]
Alternate Betty: (curious) So, we all reside in Corden Manor as well?
Alternate Nicola: (nodding) It seems like we share quite the unique living situation.
Nicola Bulley: (chuckling) Indeed, but I must say, your decor is far more... vibrant.
Alternate Gary: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
Alternate John: (nodding) It seems our reality is quite the opposite of yours.
Alternate Talking Ben: (with a mischievous twinkle in his eye) Hohoho!
[The gang is intrigued by the stark differences between their realities and those of their heavenly counterparts.]
James Corden: (perplexed) Hold on a moment, everyone. Talking Ben?
Alternate Talking Ben: (nodding) Yes.
James Corden: (chuckling) I remember you! You're God!
Alternate Talking Ben: (cheerfully) Yes.
John Lennon: (astonished) God? Like, the almighty creator of the universe?
Alternate Talking Ben: (nodding) Yes.
Satan: (playfully) Well, an alternate version of the big man I suspect.
Alternate Talking Ben: (playfully) Yes.
Alternate Nicola: (curious) So, in your reality, there's no chaos or torment?
Alternate Harold: (chuckling) It's all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns in our dimension.
Alternate Talking Ben: (nodding) Yes, yes, hohoho!
[The alternate versions explain that they are facing their own challenges, including the potential merging of their dimension with one of eternal boredom.]
Alternate Betty: (concerned) The cosmic balance is shifting in our realm. If the merge happens, we'll lose our individuality and become bland.
Alternate James: (determined) We need your help to prevent this catastrophe.
[The two groups join forces, sharing their unique skills and perspectives to solve the problem and stabilize the dimensional imbalance.]
James Corden: (thoughtful) Our chaos might be your answer to staying out of eternal boredom.
Alternate John: (smiling) And your spirit of individuality could inspire our dimension to remain distinct.
Satan: (grinning) The chaos of Hell meets the tranquility of Heaven. How fascinating.
[As they work together, the gang begins to realize the importance of balance and embracing the contrasts within themselves.]
John Lennon: (looking at the portal) Maybe our differences are what make us truly unique.
Alternate Nicola: (nodding) Unity doesn't mean conformity. It's about embracing the diversity of our worlds.
Alternate Talking Ben: (enthusiastically) Hohoho!
[With their combined efforts, the gang manages to stabilize the heavenly rift and prevent the catastrophic merge.]
James Corden: (proudly) Well, it seems chaos and tranquility can find common ground.
Alternate John: (smirking) Who would've thought that our worlds would be connected by chaos?
Satan: (chuckling) You've managed to strike a harmony between Heaven and Hell.
[As the alternate versions prepare to return home, the gang bids them farewell with a newfound appreciation for the diversity within their own reality.]
John Lennon: (smiling) Well, it's been a pleasure to have you lot among us.
Alternate Betty: (winking) Stay cheeky, my friends. And remember, hohoho!
Alternate John: (raising a glass) To the multiverse, where even opposite dimensions can find harmony.
[As the portal closes, the room returns to its usual state, but the gang is left with a lasting impression of the heavenly encounter.]
Satan: (smirking) An encounter of the divine kind. How delightful.
James Corden: (grinning) Who knew that our chaos could bring some heavenly order?
John Lennon: (reflective) We may be different, but we're all part of this cosmic dance.
[As they continue to chat and share their thoughts, the room fills with a sense of camaraderie and understanding. The gang is ready to face whatever challenges their reality may bring, knowing that unity in diversity is the key.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E1: James Corden's Wonderful(?) Life in Hell [August 25, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in the living room of Corden Manor, where the gang is engaged in various activities. Laughter and playful banter fill the air as James Corden sits alone, lost in thought.]
James Corden: (quietly to himself) You know, after meeting those alternate versions of us from heaven, I can't help but wonder... what's it like up there?
[Harold Shipman overhears James' musing and joins him.]
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) Heaven, you say? What's got you thinking about that, James?
James Corden: (hesitant) Well, seeing Alternate Talking Ben and the gang from heaven... It just made me wonder if maybe I'm missing out on something.
[Harold Shipman chuckles.]
Harold Shipman: (grinning) Ah, James, you've fallen for the oldest trick in the book. Don't let their heavenly antics fool you. Hell is where the real fun happens.
[James Corden looks unconvinced but doesn't voice his doubts.]
[Cut to the comedy lounge, where Nicola Bulley is rehearsing a stand-up routine.]
Nicola Bulley: (with enthusiasm) ...and then Satan said, 'Let's have a karaoke night every Wednesday!' I tell ya, folks, there's never a dull moment down here!
[Audience laughter and applause fill the room.]
Nicola Bulley: (winking at James) Hell is where the party's at, James. You don't want to miss this.
[James Corden forces a smile but remains conflicted.]
[Later, in the reading nook, John Lennon is strumming his guitar.]
John Lennon: (singing) Imagine all the people, living for today...
[James Corden enters and listens attentively.]
John Lennon: (after finishing the song) James, it's not about where you are, but how you make the most of it. Heaven or Hell, you can find peace and happiness anywhere.
[James Corden nods thoughtfully but doesn't reveal his true feelings.]
[Cut to a hilarious moment in the diaper-changing room, where Betty White and Gary are engaged in a comical diaper-changing contest.]
Betty White: (laughing) Oh, Gary, you little rascal! Diaper duty has never been this much fun.
[James Corden watches and laughs along, but a hint of longing lingers in his eyes.]
[Satan, observing the situation, approaches James.]
Satan: (smirking) James, I see that you're contemplating your options. Heaven may seem tempting, but remember, it's the diversity and unpredictability of Hell that make it truly special.
James Corden: (sighing) I know, Satan, but... I can't help but wonder what it's like up there. Maybe just a visit, a short break from Hell.
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) A visit to heaven, you say? Well, I'm afraid that's not possible, James.
James Corden: (disappointed) What? Why not?
Satan: (smirking) Heaven and Hell have a strict no-visiting policy. Once you're here, you're here for eternity.
[James Corden's shoulders slump in disappointment.]
[Satan continues.]
Satan: (smirking) But don't fret, James. Hell has its own unique charm. There's always something exciting happening here. You'll find happiness and fulfillment right where you are.
[James Corden reluctantly accepts Satan's words, though a small part of him secretly longs to visit heaven.]
[The episode ends with James Corden realizing that his longing for heaven will remain unfulfilled, at least for now. He returns to his friends in Corden Manor, finding solace in the chaotic charm of Hell.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E2: James Corden's Wonderful Toaster [August 26, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in the eccentric living room of Corden Manor. Unusual artifacts and vibrant decorations fill the space. Suddenly, a flash of magical energy envelops James Corden, and he transforms into a shiny toaster.]
James Corden (in toaster form): (startled) Brrring! What just happened?
Harold Shipman: (raising an eyebrow) Well, this is unexpected. James, how are you a toaster?
James Corden (toaster): (muffled) Brrring! I wish I knew!
[Satan, Nicola Bulley, John Lennon, Betty White, Gary Shapiro, and even George Harrison gather around the bewildered toaster.]
Satan: (smirking) Oh, what a delightful twist! Our dear James has become a kitchen appliance.
George Harrison: (chuckling) This is quite a magical journey, isn't it?
Nicola Bulley: (curious) So, James, any idea how this happened?
James Corden (toaster): (muffled) Brrring! Not a clue!
John Lennon: (stroking his chin) Well, we can't have our friend stuck as a toaster. We need to figure out how to change him back.
Betty White: (determined) Agreed. We can't toast our way through this.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) TOASTY!
[The gang embarks on a zany adventure to find a solution, including consulting magical cookbooks, enlisting the help of supernatural creatures, and even attempting a comedic séance. Each attempt results in laughter and chaos.]
Nicola Bulley: (laughing) Well, that didn't work. But it was fun!
George Harrison: (joining in the laughter) Indeed, it's all part of the cosmic journey.
Satan: (grinning) Oh, the hilarity of it all! But we mustn't give up.
[After a series of comical misadventures, they stumble upon a dusty spellbook tucked away in the depths of Corden Manor.]
Betty White: (excited) Look what I found! The Reverse Toaster Transformation Spell!
John Lennon: (intrigued) Give it a shot, Betty!
[With a dramatic incantation and a burst of magical energy, Betty White casts the spell, and James Corden's toaster form begins to shimmer and change.]
James Corden: (returning to his human form) Oh, thank goodness! I'm not a toaster anymore!
Satan: (clapping) Bravo, Betty! You've saved the day!
George Harrison: (nodding) A little help from our mystical friends, and we've brought you back, mate.
Gary Shapiro: (cheering) Yay!
James Corden: (relieved) Well, that was certainly a toasty situation. Thanks, everyone!
[Amid the cheers and laughter, someone in the group finally can't contain their curiosity.]
Nicola Bulley: (grinning) James, I have to ask... How on earth did you become a toaster in the first place?
Satan: (leaning in with a smirk) Yes, we're dying to know the toaster tale.
James Corden: (sheepishly) Well, you see... It's a long story involving a talking parrot, a misfired spell, and a toaster manual mix-up. But that's a tale for another day!
[The group erupts into laughter, content with the knowledge that even the quirkiest of challenges can be overcome with humor and teamwork. After successfully returning James Corden to his human form and sharing a good laugh over the toaster mishap, the gang decides to celebrate with an impromptu dance party in the eccentric living room of Corden Manor. A lively, upbeat tune starts playing, and the characters can't resist getting into the groove.]
James Corden: (with a grin) Well, I suppose it's time to dance off that toasty experience!
George Harrison: (nodding) Let's boogie, mates!
[The group starts dancing with wild enthusiasm, showing off their unique dance styles. Satan twirls with grace, while Nicola Bulley adds some impressive breakdancing moves. John Lennon grooves to the rhythm, and Betty White surprises everyone with her hip-hop-inspired steps. Gary Shapiro the baby claps and giggles, thoroughly entertained by the spectacle.]
James Corden: (leading the dance) Time to show off my signature moves!
[James Corden breaks into an energetic dance, blending humor and skill, much to the amusement of the group. They all join in, dancing together in a joyous frenzy.]
Satan: (twirling) You know, James, you may have been a toaster, but you've got some hot moves!
George Harrison: (cheerful) This is what I call a cosmic dance party!
Nicola Bulley: (breakdancing) Woo! You guys are out of this world!
John Lennon: (grooving) To the rhythm of life!
Betty White: (hip-hop style) Age is just a number, darling!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Dancey dancey!
[As the music plays on, the characters continue to dance and celebrate, forming a circle and taking turns showing off their dance skills. The room is filled with laughter, joy, and a sense of camaraderie that transcends the ordinary.]
James Corden: (catching his breath) You know what, folks? This may be one of the craziest places in the afterlife, but it's also the most fun!
Satan: (grinning) That's the spirit, James! In Corden Manor, we embrace the chaos and dance through the madness.
George Harrison: (raising his glass) To embracing the cosmic dance of life, in whatever form it takes!
[They all raise their glasses and clink them together before returning to the dance floor. As the music plays on, the characters lose themselves in the joy of the moment, celebrating their unique bond in the extraordinary world of Corden Manor.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E3: James Corden's Wonderful George Harrison [August 27, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in the living room of Corden Manor, where the gang is gathered for an impromptu jam session. George Harrison is strumming his ukulele, filling the room with sweet melodies. Nicola Bulley, seated next to him, can't help but steal glances at the talented musician.]
Nicola Bulley: (whispering to herself) He's got such a dreamy smile... and those soulful eyes...
[John Lennon, who notices Nicola's infatuation, nudges her playfully.]
John Lennon: (smirking) Someone's got a crush, Nic.
Nicola Bulley: (blushing) What? No, I don't!
George Harrison: (grinning) Are you sure, Nic? You've been staring at me more than at the lyrics.
Nicola Bulley: (awkwardly) Oh, um, well... it's just that your ukulele playing is... captivating.
[George winks at her, making her blush even more.]
James Corden: (joining the teasing) Come on, Nic, it's just a harmless crush. We're all friends here.
Betty White: (cheerfully) Nothing wrong with a little crush, dear. It keeps life interesting.
[Satan, who's been observing the situation with amusement, chimes in.]
Satan: (smirking) Ah, young love. It warms my dark, devilish heart.
[The gang continues their jam session, with Nicola trying to focus on the music rather than her feelings for George. But as the melodies fill the room, it's clear that love is in the air at Corden Manor. Later that evening, the gang sits around the fireplace, sipping on cups of hellishly good hot chocolate. Nicola can't shake her feelings for George, and she finally decides to confide in Betty.]
Nicola Bulley: (whispering to Betty) Betty, what do you think I should do about this crush on George?
Betty White: (wise smile) Darling, when I was your age, I had my fair share of crushes too. There's no harm in exploring those feelings.
Nicola Bulley: (uncertain) But what if it ruins our friendship? What if he doesn't feel the same way?
Betty White: (comforting) Life is full of uncertainties, dear. Sometimes you have to take a chance. And remember, true friendships can weather even the stormiest of crushes.
[Inspired by Betty's words, Nicola decides to talk to George the next day. The following morning, Nicola approaches George while he's practicing a new song on his ukulele in the garden.]
Nicola Bulley: (nervously) George, can we talk for a moment?
George Harrison: (setting his ukulele aside) Of course, Nic. What's on your mind?
Nicola Bulley: (taking a deep breath) Well, it's about this... feeling I've been having. I can't help but feel a bit more than friendly when I'm around you.
George Harrison: (smiling gently) Nic, there's no need to be shy about it. I've noticed too, and I must say, I quite like having you around.
Nicola Bulley: (relieved) Really?
George Harrison: (nodding) Really. You've got a special place in my heart, right alongside these old strings.
[They both smile, their fingers almost touching.]
George Harrison: (with a grin) You know, Nicola, you're hotter than Rouge the Bat in a chili pepper factory!
[Nicola Bulley laughs, flattered by George's playful compliment. As the days pass, George and Nicola's connection deepens. They spend more time together, sharing music and laughter. The rest of the gang couldn't be happier for them.]
John Lennon: (winking at James) Looks like love is blooming in Hell.
James Corden: (grinning) And it's about time!
[One evening, as George and Nicola sit under the starry Hellish sky, George surprises her with a song he's written just for her.]
George Harrison: (strumming his ukulele) ♪ Oh, Nic, you're the fire in my Hell, ♪
♪ Your smile's a melody, can't you tell? ♪
♪ Together we'll make this journey, ♪
♪ In Corden Manor, our hearts can be free. ♪
[Nicola's eyes glisten with tears of joy as George finishes the song.]
Nicola Bulley: (touched) George, that's beautiful. I feel so lucky to have you in my life.
George Harrison: (smiling) The feeling is mutual, Nic.
[They share a sweet kiss under the Hellish stars, their love story adding another layer of warmth to the ever-surprising Corden Manor. As the gang celebrates George and Nicola's newfound love with laughter and dancing, Betty White can't help but make a cheeky remark.]
Betty White: (winking at the others) You know, this love story is turning out to be even bigger than Peppa Pig and Suzy Sheep's!
[The gang bursts into laughter, finding Betty's comparison absolutely delightful. The episode concludes with the gang gathered around, celebrating the newfound love between George and Nicola. Love, it turns out, can find its way even in the unlikeliest of places, like Hell. As they dance under the fiery sky, it's clear that love and friendship are the true treasures of Corden Manor.]
=== (V‡) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E4: Christopher Cane Presents: An Evening With... James Corden [August 28, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens in a brightly lit studio, with Christopher Cane, the ventriloquist dummy who plays Rex from Victorious, sitting at a desk adorned with jars of salsa.]
Christopher Cane: (smirking) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a special edition of my show! Today, we have some familiar faces from "James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell." But before we dive into the fun, let's take a moment to appreciate my delicious salsa. (holds up a jar) It's the only salsa worth eating, folks.
[Audience laughter and applause.]
Christopher Cane: Now, let's meet our guests!
[The cast of "James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell," including James Corden, Satan, John Lennon, Nicola Bulley, Betty White, and George Harrison, walks onto the stage, greeted by the enthusiastic audience.]
James Corden: (grinning) Thanks for having us, Christopher. But I have to say, I didn't expect to see a ventriloquist dummy hosting a salsa show.
Christopher Cane: (smirking) Well, James, I've seen my fair share of dummies in showbiz, but none quite like you. (playfully) And by the way, it takes one to know one!
[The cast shares a laugh at Christopher Cane's playful jab.]
Christopher Cane: (sneering) Now, let's get to the good stuff. I've got some bloopers from your show, and I must say, they're quite amusing. More amusing than your so-called "Wonderful Life in Hell," which seems far from wonderful, if you ask me!
[The audience erupts into laughter again, while the cast can only roll their eyes at Christopher Cane's blunt critique.]
Christopher Cane: (with a sly grin) You know, I stumbled upon this rather peculiar yet far superior series called "I hate my child." It's set in the future, where an adult Zoltan is the father of a teenage Bot. Now, on the surface, it seems like he hates his child, but deep down, it's all a side effect of a break-up with his ex-husband EB the Original Master and some unfortunate alcoholism. It's a rather... unconventional take on parenting, I must say.
James Corden: (raising an eyebrow) "I hate my child."? Well, that sounds intriguing. But is it really more amusing than our adventures here in Hell?
Christopher Cane: (smirking) Ah, I’ll let you be the judge of that, but there's one thing I must point out. You see, unlike that "I hate my child." series, our dear James Corden here has never won a Square Logo Award. Quite the difference, isn't it?
Satan: (chuckling) Ah, you see, Christopher, the charm of our show lies in its unique blend of chaos and camaraderie. But it's always interesting to hear about the quirky premises of other series, like this one.
John Lennon: (smirking) Sounds like quite the sitcom, that "I hate my child."
James Corden: (raising an eyebrow) Wait a minute, Christopher Cane… if we were to give you a short nickname, it would be... Chris Cane? But, you know, that kind of sounds like Chris Chan.
Christopher Cane: (exasperated) No, no, no, James! No, no, no! It's Christopher Cane, not Chris Chan. Let's not complicate things further. And for the record, I have no connection to that chaotic mess of a dimension.
Nicola Bulley: (annoyed) Can we just roll the bloopers?
Christopher Cane: (chuckles) Phew. Of course, dear Nicola. Let's not keep the audience waiting for your... "wonderful" bloopers any longer.
[A large screen behind Christopher Cane comes to life, playing various hilarious bloopers from the set of "James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell." The cast members' comical mishaps and laughter fill the studio.]
Christopher Cane: (chuckling sarcastically) Ah, the joy of bloopers! Now, let's hear from each of you about your favorite blooper moment. James, care to start?
James Corden: (nervously) Well, there was this time when...
Christopher Cane: (interrupting) Get on with it, Corden. We don't have all day.
[James Corden hesitates, looking uncomfortable.]
Satan: (gritting his teeth) I suppose the time my horns fell off was amusing...
Christopher Cane: (sarcastically) Oh, a real knee-slapper, Satan. John, what's your blooper story?
John Lennon: (raising an eyebrow) Well, I was supposed to levitate, but I accidentally floated into the ceiling...
Christopher Cane: (mocking) Truly magical, Lennon. Nicola?
Nicola Bulley: (sighing) There was a scene where I accidentally knocked over a tower of fake skulls...
Christopher Cane: (rolling his eyes) Skulls, how riveting. Betty, your turn.
Betty White: (annoyed) I once forgot my lines and started reciting a recipe for chocolate chip cookies...
Christopher Cane: (impatiently) Yes, yes, baking in the middle of a scene, very professional. And George, any blooper moment?
George Harrison: (frowning) My guitar string snapped, and I had to improvise a one-string solo...
Christopher Cane: (disinterested) Lovely. Now, let's record a plug for my salsa brand. James, you're up first.
James Corden: (reluctantly) Alright, folks, if you want to taste the salsa... you can, I guess. Just try Cane's Salsa, whatever.
[The rest of the cast follows suit, promoting the salsa half-heartedly, clearly unimpressed with Christopher Cane's attitude.]
Satan: (gritting his teeth) If you desire a salsa with a hint of devilish delight, Christopher Cane's Salsa is the one for you.
Christopher Cane: (chuckling) Nicely done. John?
John Lennon: (forcing a smile) Imagine all the flavors... in Christopher Cane's Salsa! It's a taste of Heaven, even in Hell.
Christopher Cane: (nodding) Good one, John. Nicola?
Nicola Bulley: (barely concealing her irritation) When life gives you salsa, make it Christopher Cane's Salsa! The flavor is out of this world.
Christopher Cane: (smirking) Betty?
Betty White: (feigning enthusiasm) Add a little zest to your life with Christopher Cane's Salsa. It's the secret ingredient to a happy day.
Christopher Cane: (nodding) And George, your turn.
George Harrison: (sighing) Whether you're on a magical mystery tour or just craving some great salsa, Christopher Cane's Salsa is the answer.
[The cast exchanges annoyed glances as they conclude the salsa plug, their patience clearly wearing thin.]
Christopher Cane: (sarcastically) Fantastic! Thank you all for joining me today, and for your endorsements of my salsa. Join us next time where I shall be joined by the cast of that dreadful “SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show.” And remember, Christopher Cane's Salsa – it's the salsa you'll want to savor, whether you like it or not!
[The audience applauds as the cast of "James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell" and Christopher Cane share a forced and awkward moment on stage, leaving an atmosphere of tension and disdain in the studio.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E5: James Corden's Wonderful Chris Chan's Father [August 29, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with James Corden and Betty White gathered in the Corden Manor living room, frustrated and puzzled by their malfunctioning Hellnet connection.]
James Corden: (frustrated) Blast it all! The Hellnet is acting up again. I can't even stream "Carpool Karaoke" properly!
Betty White: (confused) It was working just fine yesterday. What could be causing this?
[As James Corden and Betty White discuss the Hellnet issues, the rest of the Corden Manor gang enter the room, curious about the commotion.]
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
George Harrison: (calmly) What's all the fuss about, mates?
James Corden: (frustrated) Oh, George, you won't believe it. The Hellnet's gone haywire, and we're struggling to fix it.
Betty White: (addressing George) George, dear, do you have any insights into this?
George Harrison: (thoughtful) Well, sometimes, it's all in the vibrations, you know. Let me have a look at it.
[As George Harrison examines the Hellnet equipment, he strums his guitar and hums, but it doesn't seem to have any effect on the malfunctioning Hellnet.]
George Harrison: (concerned) It's not responding to me, mates. This seems to be more serious than I thought.
Betty White: (worried) Oh dear, what are we going to do now?
John Lennon: (scratching his head) Perhaps it's time we call in an expert to fix this Hellish internet.
Nicola Bulley: (nodding) Agreed. We need someone who knows their way around the Hellnet.
[The gang collectively decides to call in an expert, and James picks up a demon-shaped phone.]
James Corden: (dialing) I know just the person for this job.
[Shortly after the call, there's a knock on the grand door of Corden Manor. James Corden goes to answer it. It's Robert "Bob" Franklin Chandler Jr., known as the Internet Lumberjack.]
Bob Chandler: (gruffly) Y'all summoned Bob Chandler, the Internet Lumberjack. What seems to be the problem?
James Corden: (relieved) Thank goodness you're here, Bob. Our Hellnet connection is acting up, and we need it fixed.
Bob Chandler: (gruffly) Don't you worry, folks. I'll get that Hellnet up and running in no time.
[Bob Chandler begins inspecting the Hellnet connection, mumbling to himself.]
Bob Chandler: (muttering) Trees... gotta find the right tree to chop down...
Betty White: (whispering to Nicola) Did he just say something about chopping down trees?
Nicola Bulley: (whispering back) I think so, but maybe it's some kind of metaphor?
[Bob Chandler takes out an axe and starts approaching the Hellnet router.]
James Corden: (panicking) Wait, Bob! What are you doing with that axe?
Bob Chandler: (raising the axe) Don't you worry, I'm just gonna give it a good whack, and the Hellnet will be right as rain.
[Bob swings the axe, and there's a loud crash as the Hellnet router shatters into pieces.]
James Corden: (horrified) What have you done?!
Bob Chandler: (proudly) Fixed your Hellnet, didn't I?
John Lennon: (facepalming) He's not fixing it; he's destroying it!
Betty White: (shouting) Bob, the Hellnet is Hell's version of the internet. You're not supposed to chop it down!
Bob Chandler: (confused) Ain't that what they called me for? To cut down the internet?
George Harrison: (exasperated) No, Bob! We wanted you to fix it, not cut it down!
[Bob Chandler finally realizes his mistake.]
Bob Chandler: (sheepish) Oh, well, that explains a lot. My bad, folks.
[Bob Chandler scratches his head, realizing he misunderstood their request. The gang is frustrated by their destroyed Hellnet connection.]
Bob Chandler: (sheepish) I'm mighty sorry for the mix-up. I reckon I misunderstood your request.
Nicola Bulley: (trying to find a solution) Well, we can't go without the Hellnet. It's essential for staying connected in Hell.
Betty White: (pondering) Maybe there's another way to restore it.
[Harold Shipman, who's been quietly observing the situation, speaks up.]
Harold Shipman: (thoughtful) You know, back in my days as a doctor, I've encountered some unique ailments. I think I have an idea.
[Harold starts rummaging through a drawer and finds an ancient-looking medical book.]
James Corden: (curious) What are you up to, Harold?
Harold Shipman: (flipping through the book) There's a procedure I remember reading about, something involving a "digital connection revival." It's quite experimental, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bob Chandler: (intrigued) I'm all ears. What's this procedure about?
Harold Shipman: (explaining) It involves channeling the residual digital energy of the Hellnet into a special vessel and then injecting it back into the system. Think of it as a digital blood transfusion.
Nicola Bulley: (impressed) That sounds... oddly scientific for Hell.
Harold Shipman: (smiling) Well, medicine is my specialty, even in Hell. Now, we need a vessel.
[The gang starts searching for a suitable vessel, and they eventually find an ancient demon artifact that might work.]
Betty White: (holding the artifact) This should do the trick.
[Harold carefully performs the procedure, extracting and transferring the digital energy.]
Harold Shipman: (focused) Now, we just need to inject it back into the Hellnet.
[Harold connects the artifact to the Hellnet system, and slowly, the connection starts to stabilize.]
James Corden: (amazed) It's working! The Hellnet is coming back online!
Bob Chandler: (impressed) Well, I'll be darned. You folks know your stuff.
[As the Hellnet fully restores, a notification appears on the screen, mentioning Bob Chandler's name.]
John Lennon: (pointing at the screen) Hey, look at this! It says here that Bob Chandler, the Internet Lumberjack, is also Chris Chan's dad!
Bob Chandler: (chuckles) Yep, that's me. Internet lumberjack by day, father of an internet sensation by night. I do hope my Chris isn’t getting up to any mischief back in the realm of the living.
[The gang shares a laugh, relieved that their Hellnet is back and amused by the unexpected connection between Bob Chandler and Chris Chan.]
James Corden: (grinning) Well, Bob, you may have chopped down the Hellnet at first, but you also helped us bring it back to life. Cheers to that!
[They all raise their glasses, celebrating their restored Hellnet and the unique characters they encounter in Hell.]
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E6: James Corden's Wonderful Royal Match [August 30, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The gang is gathered in the cozy living room of Corden Manor. The gang are engrossed in playing the latest mobile game, "Royal Match."]
James Corden: (excited) I can't believe I just got a Royal Match! Take that, Betty!
Nicola Bulley: (playfully competitive) You won't beat me that easily, James.
[They continue playing and sharing laughs when suddenly, there's a knock at the door.]
James Corden: (surprised) Who could that be in the middle of our gaming session?
[James opens the door to reveal a sharply dressed DEMON TV EXECUTIVE, MR. SINISTROUS, holding a briefcase.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (smiling warmly) Good day, Mr. Corden. I'm Mr. Sinistrous, and I come bearing an exciting proposition.
James Corden: (intrigued) A proposition, you say? Come in, Mr. Sinistrous.
[Mr. Sinistrous steps inside, and the gang gathers around, intrigued.]
George Harrison: (whispering to John) Wonder what this is all about.
Mr. Sinistrous: (addressing the group) I've been watching your recent activities, Mr. Corden, and I must say, I'm quite impressed. Your charisma, wit, and the camaraderie of your friends make for excellent entertainment.
James Corden: (humble) Well, thank you, Mr. Sinistrous. We do try our best.
Mr. Sinistrous: (getting to the point) I represent a network in Hell, and we're looking for fresh and engaging content. How would you like to host your own talk show in Hell?
[The gang exchanges surprised and curious glances.]
Harold Shipman: (intrigued) A talk show in Hell? That's quite the proposition.
James Corden: (considering) It's certainly an intriguing offer, Mr. Sinistrous. But we've got a lot going on here in Corden Manor. We'll need some time to think it over.
Mr. Sinistrous: (nodding) Of course, Mr. Corden. Take all the time you need. But do consider the possibilities. Hell can be quite an interesting place for entertainment.
[Mr. Sinistrous leaves them with his contact information and exits Corden Manor, leaving the gang in deep contemplation.]
George Harrison: (whispering to James) A talk show in Hell, James. Can you imagine the adventures we'd have?
James Corden: (smiling) It's a wild idea, George.
Nicola Bulley: (excited) I say we go for it! A talk show in Hell sounds like an adventure of a lifetime.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
John Lennon: (enthusiastic) Yeah, and think of all the incredible guests we could have from Hell! It could be a blast!
Harold Shipman: (smiling) I'm in. 
James Corden: (decisive) All right, then. Let's give Mr. Sinistrous a call and tell him we're in.
[James takes out the contact information Mr. Sinistrous left them and dials the number. After a brief conversation, he hangs up.]
James Corden: (grinning) It's settled, my friends. We're going to host our very own talk show here in Hell!
Betty White: (excited) I can't wait to see what kind of guests we'll have!
Nicola Bulley: (optimistic) This is going to be one heck of an adventure!
[The day of filming the first episode of their talk show in Hell has arrived, but James Corden is entirely engrossed in playing Royal Match on his phone. He swipes his screen with enthusiasm, focused on the game.]
James Corden: (excited) Damn, I'm good. Another level smashed. (pauses to admire his moves) What a perfect match.
[James looks at his reflection in the mirror, grinning at himself.]
James Corden: (to his reflection) You're a legend, James.
[Suddenly, Mr. Sinistrous knocks on the dressing room door.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (enthusiastic) James, it's time! They're ready for you on stage.
[James Corden, still absorbed in his game, doesn't look up.]
James Corden: (annoyed) I'm busy... playing Royal Match!!!
Mr. Sinistrous: (trying to be patient) I understand, but the audience is waiting, and the show must go on.
James Corden: (impatient) Well, you better figure something out then, hadn't you?
[James Corden gets another Royal Match, and he excitedly shouts "boom" in victory. Meanwhile, Mr. Sinistrous takes the stage, attempting to pretend to be James Corden.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (feigning excitement) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... James Corden!
[The audience, however, is not fooled. They begin to boo Mr. Sinistrous, clearly unhappy with the imposter.]
Audience Member 1: (shouting) That's not James Corden!
Audience Member 2: (disgruntled) We want the real James!
[Suddenly, George Harrison and Gary Shapiro, who have been watching from the wings, exchange concerned glances.]
George Harrison: (whispering to Gary) This is a disaster. James needs to get out here.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo!
[Back in the dressing room, James Corden continues to play Royal Match, oblivious to the chaos unfolding on stage. Mr. Sinistrous rushes back to James Corden's dressing room, more urgent this time.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (panicking) James, you have to come out there! They're booing me!
James Corden: (distracted) Can't it wait? I'm about to beat my high score.
[Mr. Sinistrous is desperate. He knows this could be a disaster for the show.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (pleading) James, please! The audience is turning against us.
[James Corden finally looks up from his phone, realizing the severity of the situation.]
James Corden: (concerned) Alright, fine. I'm coming.
[James Corden rushes onto the stage, trying to salvage the situation. The audience falls silent, waiting for his appearance.]
James Corden: (out of breath) Sorry about the delay, folks. Technical difficulties, you know how it is.
[The audience erupts into cheers, relieved to see the real James Corden.]
Audience Member 3: (excited) There he is!
Audience Member 4: (applauding) We love you, James!
[James Corden takes his seat, and the show proceeds without any further hitches. The first episode of the talk show is a success, and the audience is in high spirits.]
James Corden: (grateful) Thank you all for your patience and for joining us on our very first episode!
[The audience cheers and applauds.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (relieved) Well done, James. You really turned it around.
[As the show continues, James Corden can't help but sneak a glance at his phone, still tempted by Royal Match.]
James Corden: (whispering to himself) Just one more level…
[James Corden's quip about "just one more level" gets a hearty laugh from both the audience and the gang.]
Audience Member 5: (laughing) Classic James!
Betty White: (chuckling) Oh, James, you and your games!
[The laughter continues, filling the studio with warmth and joy.]
James Corden: (smiling) Well, what can I say? It's a hard game to put down.
[The audience's laughter crescendos, and as the episode ends, they give James Corden a standing ovation.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (grinning) Bravo, James! A memorable start to our show!
[With a final wave to the audience, the gang leaves the stage, looking forward to more adventures and laughs in Hell.]
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E7: James Corden's Wonderful Zoltan's Mum [August 31, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with Nicola Bulley looking out over the fiery landscape of Hell, her curiosity piqued by the molten rivers of lava that flow through this realm.]
Nicola Bulley: (thoughtful) You know, I've always wondered what it's like to live under lava. It's such a unique aspect of Hell.
[Betty White, ever the adventurous spirit, overhears Nicola's musings.]
Betty White: (excited) Well, Nicola, if you're up for it, I have just the idea. Let's pay a visit to Zoltan's Mum!
[Nicola looks at Betty, intrigued.]
Nicola Bulley: Zoltan's Mum? Is she some sort of lava expert?
Betty White: (nodding) Indeed she is! She recently joined us in Hell, and rumor has it she's mastered the art of living under lava. What better way to learn?
[Nicola's eyes light up with enthusiasm.]
Nicola Bulley: (determined) Count me in! I've always been up for a challenge. Betty, I can't wait to learn the secrets of living under lava! This is going to be amazing.
Betty White: (smiling) You're in for quite the adventure, Nicola. Let's go meet Zoltan's Mum and see what she can teach us.
[They venture through Hell's fiery landscape until they reach Zoltan's Mum's home, situated near a serene lava flow. It is a cozy lava-surrounded cottage that somehow manages to stay cool on the inside. Zoltan's Mum welcomes them with a warm smile.]
Zoltan's Mum: (cheerful) Well, well, well! Nicola Bulley and Betty White, what a pleasant surprise! What brings you all to my humble abode?
Betty White: (grinning) Zoltan's Mum, we've heard you're an expert at living under lava, and our dear Nicola here wants to learn your secrets!
Nicola Bulley: (eager) I'm fascinated by the lava, and I want to know how to live comfortably in it.
[Zoltan's Mum chuckles warmly.]
Zoltan's Mum: (confessing) Oh, dears, there seems to be a little misunderstanding. I'm not an expert at living under lava. Actually, I'm quite the opposite. I'm an expert at living underwater. But, you see, that doesn't matter much here in Hell. We don’t have any water in Hell.
Nicola Bulley: (surprised) Living underwater? That's fascinating, but it's not exactly what we expected.
Betty White: (supportive) Well, Zoltan's Mum, even if you're not an expert in living under lava, perhaps you can help Nicola adapt to the fiery environment. Your underwater expertise might come in handy in unexpected ways!
[Zoltan's Mum ponders this for a moment, then smiles.]
Zoltan's Mum: (optimistic) You know what, dears? You're right. Maybe there are some tricks I've learned underwater that could help Nicola in her quest. Let's give it a try!
[Together, they spend the day brainstorming and experimenting with creative ways to adapt underwater survival techniques to Hell's fiery lava flows. They devise heat-resistant gear and protective spells and even discover ways to create temporary air pockets under the lava for rest. The two spend the day learning with Zoltan's Mum, all the while enjoying her unique cuisine, including lava-roasted marshmallows and sizzling lava-berry pie. They share stories of their adventures in Hell, creating a bond with their gracious host.]
Nicola Bulley: (grateful) Zoltan's Mum, thank you for your help and your willingness to adapt your expertise. I feel much better prepared for the challenges of living under lava now.
Betty White: (appreciative) You've shown us that sometimes, unconventional wisdom can be the most valuable.
Zoltan's Mum: (smiling) It is my pleasure, dears. And it's always lovely to have visitors. You've brought warmth to my home.
[With newfound knowledge and a spirit of cooperation, they return to Corden Manor, ready to face the fiery realm with a unique set of skills and solutions. Cut to the fiery depths of Hell, where Nicola Bulley is confidently living under lava. She wears a specially crafted heat-resistant suit and moves gracefully through the molten rock, her face determined and her demeanor calm. Betty White watches in amazement from the edge of a lava pool, occasionally jotting down notes.]
Betty White: (impressed) Nicola, you're doing brilliantly down there! I can't believe how well you've adapted.
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) Thanks, Betty. Zoltan's Mum's unconventional advice really paid off.
[Zoltan's Mum, observing from a nearby rock formation, nods in agreement.]
Zoltan's Mum: (proudly) It's all about adapting, my dears. Survival in Hell often requires a unique approach.
[As Nicola continues her exploration of the fiery terrain, Zoltan's Mum's expression turns wistful.]
Zoltan's Mum: (reflective) Speaking of unique approaches, I sometimes wonder about my son, Zoltan. He's up there in the realm of the living, you know.
Betty White: (curious) Zoltan? Tell us more about him, Zoltan's Mum.
Zoltan's Mum: (smirking) Well, Zoltan always was a bit of a rebel. I hope one day he'll have a child who's just as headstrong as he was. Someone who keeps him on his toes, gives him a taste of his own medicine, and perhaps even drives him a little mad. Maybe he will hate his child!
[Both Betty and Nicola burst into laughter, amused by Zoltan's Mum's mischievous hope.]
Betty White: (grinning) It sounds like you're looking forward to some lively family dynamics.
Nicola Bulley: (playful) Maybe one day, we'll meet Zoltan and his rebellious child in Hell. Until then, we'll continue to explore and thrive here under the lava.
[Zoltan's Mum watches Nicola's successful venture under lava, her heart filled with a mixture of pride and hope for the future. The fiery landscape of Hell continues to reveal its surprises, even to its long-time residents.]
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E8: James Corden's Wonderful Patrick Star [September 1, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The episode opens with a bustling scene at the Hellish Talk Show Studio. The gang, including James Corden, Betty White, John Lennon, Nicola Bulley, George Harrison, Gary Shapiro, and the demon TV executive Mr. Sinistrous, are in the midst of preparing for a special episode of their talk show in Hell. The studio is adorned with fiery decorations, and the stage is set for a grand production. Mr. Sinistrous, the demon TV executive, is frantically running around, trying to coordinate the chaos.]
James Corden: (excited) Ladies and gentlemen, demons and souls, welcome to a special edition of the Corden Manor Talk Show, coming to you straight from Hell!
[The crowd of demons and souls in the audience cheer enthusiastically.]
Betty White: (grinning) It's going to be a scorcher of a show, that's for sure!
[As James begins to introduce their first guest, Nicola Bulley, who is known for her magical talents, attempts a grand entrance but accidentally sets the curtains on fire.]
Nicola Bulley: (panicking) Oops! My magic went a little too fiery there!
[Harold Shipman rushes over with a fire extinguisher, dousing the flames.]
Harold Shipman: (calmly) Crisis averted.
[Meanwhile, Gary Shapiro, the baby demon, starts gurgling loudly, his cries echoing through the studio.]
John Lennon: (trying to soothe Gary) It's alright, mate! We're on in a minute!
[Backstage, Mr. Sinistrous is juggling multiple tasks, his composure slowly slipping.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (muttering) Where's the next guest? Where are my cue cards? Why are there bats in the dressing room?
[Onstage, James Corden's talk show desk suddenly transforms into a chaotic, demon-themed carnival ride, sending James spinning in his chair.]
James Corden: (yelling) I didn't sign up for this!
[Despite the chaos, the gang tries to keep the show going. Betty White takes the opportunity to showcase her comedic talents.]
Betty White: (joking) Well, folks, this is Hell, and it seems the stage is hotter than ever! Or maybe that's just my fiery personality!
[The audience laughs, but it's clear they're growing increasingly restless.]
Nicola Bulley: (regaining control of her magic) Alright, let's get this show back on track! Watch closely, everyone.
[Nicola performs a stunning magic act, transforming a chaos-inducing bat into a bouquet of fiery roses.]
Harold Shipman: (impressed) Well done, Nicola!
[Just as it seems they're regaining control, a herd of demon kangaroos, led by a mischievous one, hops onto the stage, creating havoc.]
John Lennon: (laughing) I've seen some wild gigs, but this takes the cake!
[Mr. Sinistrous finally manages to shoo the demon kangaroos away, but he's frazzled.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (exhausted) It's been one hell of a day.
[George Harrison, who has been quietly strumming his guitar in the corner, steps forward.]
George Harrison: (calmly) Maybe it's time for a bit of music to soothe our fiery souls?
[The audience responds with a mix of groans and applause, unsure of what to expect.]
[George Harrison starts playing a serene tune on his guitar, and his soothing melody gradually calms the audience. They stop booing and become captivated by the music.]
James Corden: (smiling) Well, that's our show, folks! In Hell, you never know what's going to happen next, and that's what makes it truly special!
[Backstage, the gang gathers in their dressing rooms, all looking disheartened after the chaotic talk show.]
James Corden: (frustrated) That was a disaster! The audience hated it!
Betty White: (sighing) It's not the first time, James. Hell's always been a tough crowd.
John Lennon: (shaking his head) But that was next-level chaos, mate. I thought I'd seen it all.
Nicola Bulley: (pouting) And I messed up my magic act. It was supposed to be spectacular!
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga... (looking disappointed)
[Mr. Sinistrous enters the backstage area, attempting to put on a brave face.]
Mr. Sinistrous: (nervously) Well, team, it was... um... an interesting show, to say the least.
James Corden: (frustrated) Interesting? Sinistrous, it was a train wreck!
Nicola Bulley: (agitated) And a train wreck in Hell is not something I want on my résumé.
Betty White: (concerned) We need to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it, and fast!
George Harrison: (sighing) But where do we turn for help? We're stuck in Hell with no easy solutions.
[As they ponder their predicament, Gary Shapiro, who has been silently observing, suddenly has an idea.]
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling enthusiastically) Goo goo gaga!
James Corden: (curious) What's that, Gary? You've got an idea?
Nicola Bulley: (hopeful) Please share, sweetie. We need all the help we can get.
[George Harrison nods in agreement.]
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
[They all look at each other, trying to decipher Gary's message. Finally, Betty White pieces it together.]
Betty White: (realizing) Wait a minute! I think Gary is suggesting we pay a visit to Patrick Star.
Mr. Sinistrous: (perplexed) Patrick Star? The starfish from Bikini Bottom?
George Harrison: (nodding) That's the one. Before he died last Rishmas Eve, he used to host "The Patrick Show", one of the most legendary talk shows in history!
Nicola Bulley: (excited) Patrick might have some unconventional but brilliant ideas for our show!
Harold Shipman: (thoughtful) You know, maybe it is time we sought some advice from someone who's been through the talk show circuit before.
James Corden: (optimistic) That's not a bad idea. Patrick's got experience, and he's been here in Hell for a while. He might have some valuable advice.
Betty White: (nodding) It's worth a shot. Maybe he can help us turn things around.
[The gang decides to seek out Patrick Star for advice, hoping to learn the tricks of the trade from a talk show legend.]
[Cut to Patrick Star's humble abode in Hell, adorned with seashells and aquatic-themed decor. The gang knocks on the door, and Patrick answers, looking surprisingly cheerful for someone who arrived in Hell in such a peculiar way.]
Patrick Star: (grinning) Well, well, well! If it isn't the gang from Corden Manor! What brings you here?
James Corden: (humbly) Patrick, we need your help. Our show is falling apart, and we heard you're the expert of talk shows.
Patrick Star: (proudly) Ah, "The Patrick Show," what a blast that was! Come on in, folks. Let's chat.
[They enter Patrick's cozy seashell-covered living room and settle in. Patrick, the gracious host, is eager to share his wisdom.]
Patrick Star: (thoughtful) You know, in Hell, it's all about embracing the chaos. The audience here loves unexpected surprises and unconventional humor.
Betty White: (listening intently) So, you're saying we should lean into the craziness?
Patrick Star: (nodding) Exactly! And remember, Hell is all about fiery passion. Be passionate about your show, and the audience will follow suit. Don't worry too much about what goes wrong; it's part of the charm.
John Lennon: (smiling) Passion, huh? I think we've got that covered!
Nicola Bulley: (feeling inspired) Thanks, Patrick. We needed this pep talk.
[The day of the next talk show arrives, and the gang is buzzing with newfound energy and determination. Patrick Star, their new mentor, stands alongside them, ready to embrace the chaos of Hell's audience.]
James Corden: (grinning) All right, everyone, this is it! Let's remember what Patrick taught us: passion and embracing the chaos!
Betty White: (excited) We've got this!
John Lennon: (confident) And if things go wrong, we'll just roll with it!
[The gang takes the stage, and this time, the audience can sense the change in their energy. As the show unfolds, it's filled with unexpected surprises, fiery humor, and a genuine passion for entertaining the Hellish crowd.]
Nicola Bulley: (performing a magic act) Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed!
[As she pulls off her magic tricks, some unexpected and chaotic elements are thrown in, which only make the audience laugh harder.]
Patrick Star: (joining a hilarious sketch) Hey, I'm ready to get in on the action too!
[Patrick's comedic timing and spontaneous antics add a whole new level of humor to the show. The audience is roaring with laughter.]
George Harrison: (strumming a guitar) And now, a song to lift your Hellish spirits!
[George's performance includes unexpected musical twists, and the audience can't help but sing along, even if it's a bit off-key.]
[As the show continues, the gang fully embraces the chaos, and the Hellish audience loves every moment of it. Their fiery passion for entertainment shines through, and it's a performance unlike any other.]
James Corden: (addressing the audience) Thank you, Hell, for being the best audience in the underworld!
[The audience erupts in applause, and the gang takes their well-deserved bow.]
[Backstage, they all share a triumphant moment.]
James Corden: (grinning) That was incredible, everyone! Thanks to Patrick, we rocked Hell tonight!
Patrick Star: (humbly) Nah, you guys did great. Just remember, Hell's all about embracing the chaos and having fun.
[The gang nods in agreement, grateful for their newfound friend and mentor.]
George Harrison: (curious) So, Patrick, how exactly did you end up in Hell anyway? We've heard some wild stories.
Patrick Star: (grinning) Oh, it's a doozy, it is! You see, it all started last Rishmas Eve. I had this brilliant idea to catch Rishi Sunak in a box and make him suck on my genitalia!
Nicola Bulley: (intrigued) Rishi Sunak, the tory?
Patrick Star: (nodding) Yep, that's the one. I tried to catch him with a tiger and he mauled me to death!
[The gang laugh at the story of Patrick Star’s comical mishap.]
George Harrison: (smiling) It's quite a story, Patrick.
Patrick Star: (grinning) Thanks! But hey, being in Hell isn't so bad when you've got friends like you guys and some fun chaos to embrace, even if I do miss that yellow sea sponge SpongeBob and his friend Daddy Pig…
Narrator: With Patrick Star by their side, the gang from Corden Manor proved that passion and embracing chaos can make for unforgettable entertainment, even in Hell. Their talk show became a blazing success, lighting up the underworld with laughter and joy.
[End Credits Roll.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E9: James Corden's Wonderful Brian Griffin [September 2, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[Opening Scene]
Narrator: In the eccentric living room of Corden Manor, Gary Shapiro is sitting amidst a pile of plush toys, looking a bit forlorn once again.
Gary Shapiro: (pouting) Goo goo, gaga! I want a pet doggie!
James Corden: (smiling) Oh, Gary, you want a furry friend, do you?
Nicola Bulley: (raising an eyebrow, smirking) A furry friend, you say? Well, Gary, it just so happens that I've got a fursuit or two tucked away somewhere.
[The others exchange puzzled glances at Nicola's misunderstanding of the situation.]
Betty White: (bewildered) Nicola, I don't think Gary needs a fursuit.
George Harrison: (confused) Yes, we're looking for an actual dog, not a... well, you know.
Nicola Bulley: (disappointed) Oh… I see…
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) Well, it just so happens that we have a pet shop in Hell, and we might find the perfect dog for you there.
Gary Shapiro: (clapping) Goo goo, yes, please!
[With excitement in the air, the gang decides to embark on an unusual trip to the pet shop in Hell to find Gary a new canine companion.]
[Cut to the gang arriving at the infernal pet shop, where fiery cages house all sorts of otherworldly creatures, including flaming parrots and lava-snakes.]
Harold Shipman: (browsing) Let's see, we need a dog that's perfect for Gary.
[The gang approaches a particularly unique cage, where Brian Griffin, the talking, intellectual dog from "Family Guy," sits reading a book.]
Brian Griffin: (looking up) Oh, hello there! Are you interested in adopting a sophisticated and intellectual dog?
Satan: (intrigued) We're looking for a dog for our friend, Gary here. What can you tell us about yourself?
Brian Griffin: (smirking) Well, I'm Brian Griffin, a writer, a thinker, and a master of conversation. I can offer Gary a world of knowledge and stimulating discussions.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, doggie!
[After a brief negotiation with the pet shop owner (who happens to be a mischievous imp), the gang decides to adopt Brian Griffin as Gary's new companion. Brian joins them, and they return to Corden Manor.]
[Cut to the gang returning home with Brian Griffin, who quickly becomes an unexpected yet delightful addition to their quirky household.]
Gary Shapiro: (clapping) Goo goo, new friend!
Brian Griffin: (looking around) Where on Earth am I? Or, rather, where in Hell am I?
James Corden: (bewildered) Well, I'll be! Who's this articulate chap?
Satan: (raising an eyebrow) It appears we have an unexpected guest.
Betty White: (curious) My goodness, a talking dog! This is something entirely new.
Brian Griffin: (smirking) Yes, well, I'm Brian Griffin, a writer and intellectual. And you all are?
John Lennon: (chuckling) I'm John Lennon, a musician and dreamer.
Nicola Bulley: (smirking) I'm Nicola Bulley, a writer and troublemaker.
Harold Shipman: (nodding) I'm Harold Shipman, a doctor with a rather peculiar practice.
Satan: (grinning) I'm Satan, ruler of this domain. Welcome to Corden Manor.
Brian Griffin: (raising an eyebrow) Satan, you say? I never thought I’d ever meet the big man.
Satan: (nodding) Well I am the king of torture, and James Corden here is the metaphorical prince.
James Corden: (laughing) It’s true! I hate myself! Brian, welcome to our wonderfully chaotic corner of existence.
Brian Griffin: (smirking) Chaos, you say? I can appreciate a bit of chaos, as long as it's intellectually stimulating.
Nicola Bulley: (playfully) Brace yourself, because we have our own unique brand of chaos here.
Brian Griffin: (nodding) I'm up for the challenge.
[The gang watches as Gary and Brian bond, with Brian offering intellectual insights to the baby, much to everyone's amusement.]
James Corden: (smiling) Well, this is certainly a unique addition to Corden Manor!
Harold Shipman: (nodding) Brian's intellect will make for some interesting conversations, I'm sure.
Satan: (content) It seems we have a new resident in our eclectic afterlife home.
[As Brian Griffin joins the gang, Corden Manor transforms into a whirlwind of intellectual debates, witty banter, and unpredictable discussions. From philosophical musings to quirky experiments, Brian's intellect adds a new layer of intrigue to their chaotic escapades.]
[Cut to a scene where Brian and John Lennon engage in a deep conversation about music and art]
[Cut to a segment where Brian and Harold Shipman discuss the ethics of medical practice in the afterlife]
[Cut to a hilarious debate between Brian and Satan about the nature of good and evil]
[As the episode unfolds, Brian Griffin continues to engage in stimulating discussions with Gary and the rest of the gang, adding a touch of intellectual curiosity to their quirky world.]
Brian Griffin: (animated) You know, when it comes to critiquing motion pictures and television programmes...
Gary Shapiro: (nodding) Yes, there have been some truly remarkable figures throughout history who have shaped the way we think about entertainment.
Nicola Bulley: (interjecting) Speaking of which, have any of you heard of Bubble Bass?
[The room falls momentarily silent as the name "Bubble Bass" hangs in the air, prompting curious glances from the gang.]
Betty White: (raising an eyebrow) Bubble Bass? Who's that?
Brian Griffin: (explaining) Bubble Bass is a renowned YouTube film and TV critic known for his in-depth analysis and witty reviews of popular media. He's got quite the following and has even been invited to special screenings and events.
Betty White: (nodding) Ah, I see. He's one of those individuals who provides valuable insights into the world of entertainment, isn't he?
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) Exactly! He's helped viewers appreciate the nuances of storytelling and filmmaking, all while injecting humor into his reviews.
Harold Shipman: (thoughtful) It's heartening to hear about people who use their resources to make a positive impact on the world.
Brian Griffin: (reflecting) Indeed, critics play a significant role in helping us understand the art and craft behind the entertainment we enjoy.
[Closing Scene]
Narrator: As the sun sets over Corden Manor, the gang gathers in the eccentric living room once more, sharing stories, laughter, and spirited debates.
Brian Griffin: (smirking) It's been quite an unexpected adventure, but I must say, I'm enjoying our discussions.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, smart doggie!
James Corden: (grinning) Another day of unusual surprises in Corden Manor.
Satan: (raising his glass) To the joy of unexpected friendships and the unique charm of our extraordinary existence!
[They all raise their glasses in a toast, celebrating the delightful twist that has brought Brian Griffin into their eccentric world.]
Narrator: In the end, Gary's wish for a pet dog was fulfilled in a most unexpected way, bringing a new layer of intellectual curiosity and humor to the whimsical world of Corden Manor.
[End of Episode]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E10: James Corden's Wonderful Beach Episode [September 3, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[Opening Scene]
Narrator: The eccentric living room of Corden Manor is buzzing with excitement as the gang gathers, contemplating how to spend their day in the afterlife.
James Corden: (enthusiastic) Alright, mates! What's our plan for today's adventure?
Satan: (thoughtful) How about we do something different and head to the beach?
John Lennon: (smiling) The beach sounds like a splendid idea! It's been ages since we've soaked up some sun.
Brian Griffin: (excited) Count me in! I've always loved the beach.
Nicola Bulley: (playful) Beach day it is! Time to show off my sandcastle-building skills.
Harold Shipman: (nodding) A day by the ocean sounds delightful. Let's make it happen!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, beach!
[The gang's decision is unanimous, and they begin to prepare for their beach adventure. They gather their beach towels, umbrellas, and sunscreen, ready for a day of sun, sea, and sand.]
[Cut to the gang arriving at the picturesque beach, with its golden sands, crystal-clear waters, and vibrant atmosphere.]
James Corden: (grinning) Welcome to paradise, everyone!
Brian Griffin: (stretching) Time to kick back, relax, and enjoy the serenity of the beach.
John Lennon: (admiring the view) This is absolutely beautiful. I can't believe we have a beach in Corden Manor!
George Harrison: (nodding) I agree with that.
Betty White: (rolling up her pants) Let's make some wonderful beach memories!
Nicola Bulley: (enthusiastic) Who's up for a game of beach volleyball? George, you in?
George Harrison: (smiling) Count me in, Nicola! Let's have some fun!
Harold Shipman: (content) And I've got a cooler full of ice cream sandwiches to keep us cool.
Gary Shapiro: (excited) Goo goo, beach fun!
[The gang spends their day at the beach, enjoying a variety of activities, from building sandcastles and playing beach volleyball to swimming in the gentle waves. They also share stories, laughter, and heartwarming moments.]
[The gang is gathered on the picturesque beach as the sun begins its descent below the horizon. The vibrant colors of the twilight sky paint a breathtaking backdrop, casting a warm, golden glow over the scene.]
George Harrison: (admiring the sunset) This is absolutely beautiful. The colors of the sky, the sound of the waves... it's like a dream.
Nicola Bulley: (smiling) It truly is, George. There's something magical about a beach at sunset.
[As the group shares stories and laughter, George and Nicola find themselves walking away from the others, drawn to the serenity of the shoreline.]
George Harrison: (softly) You know, Nicola, your spirit and your energy are quite remarkable.
Nicola Bulley: (blushing) Thank you, George. That means a lot coming from you.
[The two continue walking, the sound of the gentle waves creating a soothing backdrop.]
George Harrison: (gentle) Nicola, there's something I've been wanting to do since I got here.
Nicola Bulley: (curious) What is it, George?
[With the colors of the setting sun reflecting in their eyes, George Harrison and Nicola Bulley share a sweet and tender kiss. It's a moment of connection and quiet beauty, framed by the majesty of the beach and the tranquil sea.]
[The sun dips below the horizon, casting a warm, golden glow over them, and they pull away, their hearts filled with a sense of wonder.]
George Harrison: (smiling) Thank you for sharing this moment with me, Nicola.
Nicola Bulley: (blushing) It was my pleasure, George.
[As they return to the group, the others notice the subtle change in their demeanor, their smiles, and the shared glance that speaks volumes.]
James Corden: (teasing) Looks like we've got some beach romantics on our hands, eh?
Satan: (smirking) Indeed, love is in the air.
John Lennon: (grinning) George and Nicola, you've added a beautiful twist to our beach day.
Harold Shipman: (nodding) Agreed. Love is a beautiful thing, even in Corden Manor.
James Corden: (content) Well said, Harold Shipman. What a fantastic day at the beach!
Satan: (grinning) Truly, it's been a splendid escape from our usual adventures.
John Lennon: (reflective) Sometimes, simple pleasures like this remind us of the beauty of life, even in the afterlife.
Nicola Bulley: (playful) Until next time, beach day!
Brian Griffin: (content) Agreed. Let's make beach trips a regular thing!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, beach!
Betty White: (raising her glass) Here's to unexpected moments of love and connection.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, love!
[With the sun now below the horizon, the gang watches as the stars begin to twinkle in the darkening sky, knowing that their eccentric world holds more surprises and cherished moments than they could ever imagine.]
Narrator: As the sun dips below the horizon, casting a warm, golden glow over Corden Manor's beach, the gang knows that their adventures, no matter how quirky or unconventional, are what make their afterlife truly special.
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E11: James Corden's Wonderful Bake-Off [September 4, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[Opening Scene]
Narrator: The eccentric living room of Corden Manor is abuzz with excitement as the gang gathers for a friendly bake-off competition. James Corden, Satan, Nicola Bulley, John Lennon, Betty White, Gary Shapiro, Brian Griffin, and George Harrison are all set to participate.
James Corden: (grinning) Welcome, everyone, to the first-ever Corden Manor Bake-Off! Get ready for a culinary extravaganza like no other!
Nicola Bulley: (playful) Time to whip up some mouthwatering delights, folks!
Satan: (smirking) May the quirkiest baker win!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo, baking!
[The gang's baking stations are set up with ingredients, mixing bowls, and ovens ready to go.]
Narrator: Round 1 - Cupcake Chaos
[The competition kicks off with a cupcake challenge. Each participant must create a batch of uniquely decorated cupcakes. Chaos ensues as the gang struggles with frosting bags, food coloring mishaps, and a hilarious fondant mishap involving Brian Griffin.]
James Corden: (laughing) Brian, that fondant hat looks quite dashing on you!
Brian Griffin: (rolling his eyes) Can we focus on baking, please?
Narrator: Round 2 - Cookie Craziness
[Next up is a cookie-making challenge. The gang gets creative with their cookie designs, resulting in a hilarious assortment of cookies, from John Lennon's guitar-shaped cookies to George Harrison's "Yellow Submarine" cookies.]
Betty White: (holding up a cookie) I call this one the "Golden Girls' Cookie!"
Nicola Bulley: (in stitches) And I present the "Eiffel Tower of Cookies!"
Narrator: Round 3 - Cake Carnival
[For the final round, the gang has to create a show-stopping cake. Chaos reigns as the characters decorate their cakes with unconventional ingredients, including cotton candy, rubber ducks, and even tiny umbrellas.]
George Harrison: (grinning) My cake is a tribute to Zoltan’s Mum for helping my dear bubba Nicola find a way to live under water!
Satan: (examining the cake) Well, it certainly has that sexy flair you’d expect from Zoltan’s Mum!
[After hours of culinary mayhem, it's time to present their creations.]
James Corden: (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the grand tasting! Let's see what our bakers have whipped up!
[The gang's creations are unveiled, showcasing their quirky personalities and culinary skills.]
Brian Griffin: (skeptical) I never thought I'd see the day when I'd compete in a bake-off in the afterlife.
George Harrison: (chuckling) It's all in good fun, Brian.
[The gang gathers to taste each other's creations, sharing laughter and delightful surprises.]
John Lennon: (savoring a cookie) These are groovy, mate!
Betty White: (nibbling on a cupcake) The eccentricity really shines through in these treats.
[As the taste test concludes, the gang gathers to announce the winner.]
James Corden: (grinning) And the winner of the Corden Manor Bake-Off is... Nicola Bulley!
Nicola Bulley: (elated) Wow, thank you, everyone! This has been a blast!
[The gang celebrates with a cake fight, frosting flying everywhere, as they enjoy the sweet taste of victory and camaraderie in Corden Manor.]
[Closing Scene]
Narrator: As the gang shares laughter and playful food fights, they relish the joy of their eccentric adventures and the sweet memories created during the Great Bake-Off Bonanza, proving that even the quirkiest challenges can bring them closer together in Corden Manor.
[End of Episode]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E12: James Corden's Wonderful Life in Heaven [September 5, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The eccentric living room of Corden Manor is filled with laughter and excitement as the gang gathers to play Royal Match. Everyone is deeply engrossed in the game, matching tiles and strategizing.]
James Corden: (enthusiastic) Alright, mates! I'm about to clear the board with this epic combo!
Nicola Bulley: (playful) Not if I beat you to it, James!
[As the game reaches its peak, Satan suddenly enters the room, interrupting the fun.]
Satan: (smirking) Gather 'round, everyone. It's that time of year again—the annual Heaven-Hell exchange program!
James Corden: (confused) The Heaven-Hell exchange? What's that?
[The gang members exchange knowing glances, realizing that James, being new to Hell, is unaware of the annual Heaven-Hell exchange program.]
Brian Griffin: (explaining) James, every year, Satan sends someone from Hell to Heaven to experience life among the angels, and God and the bear send one of their heavenly guests here to stay in Hell. It's like a cultural exchange program.
James Corden: (nodding) Ah, I see! So someone from Hell gets a second chance to get into Heaven?
John Lennon: (nodding) That's right, mate.
Satan: (smirking) It's an opportunity to learn from each other's perspectives and appreciate the differences between our worlds.
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling) Goo goo gaga!
James Corden: (nodding) Sounds intriguing. Who gets to go to Heaven this time?
Satan: (explaining) I'll be picking the lucky participants per usual. Although I haven’t quite made the decision yet.
[Satan unveils a golden scroll with the names of potential candidates.]
Satan: (pointing to the scroll) I have to decide today. The candidates are all deserving, but I need a little more time to choose the right person for the journey.
[The gang members exchange excited glances, knowing that one of them will soon embark on a unique adventure to Heaven.]
Betty White: (optimistic) Whoever gets the chance, make the most of it! It's a chance at redemption.
James Corden: (determined) You're right, Betty. And I hope I can prove myself worthy of such an opportunity. I’ve always wanted to go to Heaven.
[Corden Manor soon begins buzzing with activity as the gang members make extra efforts to be exceptionally nice to Satan. Each of them is determined to win his favor and be chosen for the Heaven-Hell exchange program.]
James Corden: (offering tea) Satan, would you care for a spot of tea?
Satan: (raised eyebrow) Well, that's rather unexpected. I suppose I'll indulge.
Nicola Bulley: (helpful) And I've organized your paperwork, Satan. Everything's sorted.
Satan: (impressed) You're quite efficient, Nicola.
John Lennon: (singing) I've composed a song in your honour, Satan.
[Satan nods with a faint smile, clearly enjoying the attention.]
Betty White: (baking cookies) Freshly baked cookies, Satan?
Satan: (smiling) Don't mind if I do, Betty.
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
[The gang members exchange glances, recognizing that everyone is putting forth their best efforts.]
James Corden: (enthusiastic) We're all trying to be extra nice because we'd love the opportunity to go to Heaven, Satan.
Satan: (nodding) I can see that. Remember, it's not just about being nice—it's about growth and transformation.
Brian Griffin: (joining in) That's right. It's a chance to prove ourselves and see the world from a different perspective.
[Satan watches as the gang members continue to make efforts to impress him with their kindness and good deeds.]
[Cut to various scenes. James helps Satan with organizing his paperwork, showing newfound organizational skills. Nicola Bulley arranges a surprise picnic for Satan in the tranquil gardens of Corden Manor. John Lennon writes a heartfelt song, expressing gratitude for the wisdom Satan has shared. Betty White organizes a comedy night in Satan's honor, filling the manor with laughter. Gary Shapiro, the baby who can talk, giggles and interacts with Satan, bringing a smile to his face.]
[Back in the living room.]
Satan: (impressed) You've all been genuinely kind and considerate. This is a tough decision.
[The gang members exchange hopeful glances, eager to hear Satan's decision.]
Satan: (announcing) The candidate for the Heaven-Hell exchange program this year will be... James Corden!
James Corden: (overjoyed) Me? Really?
[Satan nods with a warm smile.]
James Corden: (surprised) Me? In Heaven?
Brian Griffin: (smirking) Well, James, looks like you're in for an adventure!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Heaveeeen!
[As James prepares for his journey to Heaven, the gang gathers to bid him farewell.]
Betty White: (grinning) Have a heavenly time, James!
John Lennon: (joking) Don't forget to bring some British humour to Heaven!
Brian Griffin: (sad) We’ll all miss you, James!
James Corden: (excited) I promise to make you all proud! And thank you all for everything!
[James Corden steps through the portal to Heaven, leaving his friends behind at Corden Manor.]
[Cut to Heaven]
[James Corden finds himself in the serene and peaceful surroundings of Heaven. He's welcomed by Talking Ben (who is God) and the bear at Regency Square Shopping Centre, who introduce him to the heavenly way of life.]
Talking Ben: (laughing) Hohoho!
The bear: (friendly) Welcome, James! You'll be staying in Heaven forever, so make yourself at home.
James Corden: (overjoyed) Forever? 
Talking Ben: (nodding) Yes.
James Corden: (ecstatic) Blimey, this is tubular!
[As James adapts to his new heavenly surroundings, he discovers the joys of tranquility and experiences unexpected moments of serenity.]
Brian Griffin: (voiceover) And so, our dear friend James embarks on a celestial adventure in Heaven, leaving us all with a sense of wonder and inspiration.
[Images of James in Heaven, laughing with heavenly guests, taking peaceful walks, and engaging in thought-provoking conversations flash across the screen.]
Brian Griffin: (voiceover) But don't fret, dear viewers. This isn't the end of our cosmic journey yet.
[The screen fades to black, leaving a sense of anticipation in the air.]
Brian Griffin: (voiceover) Stay tuned for the second part of today’s epic adventure, where destinies will be revealed, friendships will be tested, and the ultimate cosmic conclusion awaits.
[As Brian's narration continues, the screen displays a teaser image of what's to come, hinting at even grander adventures and unexpected twists in the final episode.]
Brian Griffin: (voiceover) So, buckle your seatbelts, folks, because the grand finale is on the horizon. It's going to be one epic cosmic conclusion you won't want to miss.
[The screen fades out, leaving the audience eagerly anticipating the next and final installment of the show.]
=== (V) James Corden's Wonderful Life in Hell S2E13: James Corden's Wonderful Series Finale [September 5, 2023] {ChatGPT} ===
[The final episode of "James Corden's Wonderful Life" unfolds in the breathtakingly beautiful and serene realm of Heaven, where the celestial beings engage in harmonious activities, and laughter fills the air. James Corden, after his brief visit to Heaven, is deep in thought, standing in a serene garden.]
James Corden: (sighs) It's all so beautiful, but it's just not... me.
[Talking Ben and the bear at Regency Square Shopping Centre, who had helped James during his stay, notice his discontent.]
The bear: (concerned) James, what's bothering you?
James Corden: (honest) I miss the chaos, the adventures, my friends, and my wonderful life in Hell. This place is too... serene for me.
The bear: (understanding) We get it, James.
Talking Ben: (in his limited vocabulary) Yes.
The bear: (understanding) But maybe there's something here you haven't discovered yet.
[Talking Ben and the bear decide to help James understand the value of both places. They expose him to various heavenly activities.]
Angelic Choir (singing heavenly tunes): (melodic) La, la, la...
James Corden: (interested but hesitant) This music is lovely, but it's not the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head.
The bear: (smiling) Patience, James. There's more to Heaven than meets the eye.
[James participates in a serene meditation session with heavenly residents.]
Meditation Instructor: (calm) Close your eyes, James, and find your inner peace.
[James tries to meditate but starts fidgeting.]
James Corden: (whispering) I'm trying, but my inner peace seems to be on vacation!
[Talking Ben and the bear watch James's attempts with amusement.]
[James realizes that while Heaven is beautiful, he longs for the lively chaos of Hell. He decides to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Talking Ben and the bear.]
James Corden: (resolute) I've learned to appreciate the beauty of Heaven, but my heart belongs with my friends in Hell. I want to go back.
The bear: (regretful) James, we understand your feelings, but going back to Hell isn't possible.
Talking Ben: (sympathetic) No.
James Corden: (disheartened) What do you mean, it's not possible?
The bear: (explaining) Heaven and Hell are two separate realms, and they follow different rules. Once you're here, returning to Hell becomes almost impossible.
James Corden: (frustrated) But I miss my wonderful life in Hell, my friends, the chaos, the adventures...
Talking Ben: (apologetic) Yes.
The bear: (compassionate) We know, James. We truly wish we could help, but it's beyond our control.
[James, though disheartened, understands the situation. He takes a moment to absorb the reality of his circumstances.]
James Corden: (accepting) I see.
[Back in Corden Manor in Hell, the gang is gathered together, unaware of James's inner turmoil.]
Nicola Bulley: (excited) I wonder what James is doing in Heaven right now.
Gary Shapiro: (curious) Goo goo gaga!
John Lennon: (joking) Maybe he's teaching the angels a thing or two about British humor!
Betty White: (chuckling) Oh, I'm sure he's having a blast up there.
Brian Griffin: (barking) Woof!
[James, with a heavy heart, decides to confide in Talking Ben and the bear one more time.]
James Corden: (resolute) I can't deny the beauty of Heaven, but I've realized that my heart belongs in Hell with my friends. I need to find a way back, even if it seems impossible.
[Scene: In a Heavenly Garden]
James Corden: (sighing) It's all lovely and heavenly here, but... I miss my friends back at Corden Manor. I miss the chaos and laughter.
[A celestial being named Seraphina approaches James with a warm smile.]
Seraphina: (kindly) James, it's natural to miss your friends and your home. Heaven may be a paradise, but it's not the same as the life you knew.
James Corden: (nodding) You're right, Seraphina. I just wish there was a way to visit them, even for a little while.
[James Corden discovers a celestial library filled with books that contain the wisdom of the universe. He starts reading one of the books, hoping to find a solution to his dilemma.]
James Corden: (whispering to himself) There must be a way to bridge the gap between Heaven and Hell... or at least, a temporary visit.
[James continues to read, searching for answers.]
[Back in the Heavenly Garden, Seraphina approaches James again, noticing his persistence in seeking a solution.]
Seraphina: (curious) James, what are you looking for?
James Corden: (determined) I'm trying to find a way to visit my friends in Hell. I miss them terribly, and I want to share a laugh with them.
Seraphina: (thoughtful) There may be a way, but it won't be easy. You'd have to ask the Heavenly Council for permission, and they rarely allow such visits.
[Scene: In the Presence of the Heavenly Council]
James Corden stands before the Heavenly Council, a group of wise and celestial beings who govern the heavenly realm.
James Corden: (earnest) Your Eminences, I know that I am but a humble soul from Hell, but I have a sincere request. I wish to go back to Hell. I miss my friends terribly, and my heart aches with longing.
[The Heavenly Council deliberates, considering James' heartfelt plea.]
[Scene: Back in the Heavenly Garden]
Seraphina appears, her expression filled with hope.
Seraphina: (smiling) They've granted your request, James. You may go back to Hell.
James Corden: (elated) Really? Oh, thank you, Seraphina!
[James Corden prepares to leave Heaven and return to his friends in Hell, filled with gratitude for the lessons he's learned and the love he's found in both realms.]
[Scene: Back in Corden Manor in Hell]
[As James Corden steps back into Corden Manor, he's greeted by the joyful cheers and laughter of his friends. They rush to embrace him.]
Nicola Bulley: (ecstatic) James, you're back!
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
John Lennon: (relieved) We missed you, mate!
Betty White: (grinning) Welcome home, James!
Brian Griffin: (barking happily) Woof!
[James Corden is overwhelmed with emotion as he rejoins the lively chaos of Hell, knowing that he has found his true home with his friends.]
James Corden: (teary-eyed) I missed you all so much. Hell is where my heart truly belongs.
[The gang members at Corden Manor in Hell are overjoyed as James Corden returns from his brief visit to Heaven. They gather around him, their faces filled with excitement and relief.]
Nicola Bulley: (hugging James) James, you're back!
Gary Shapiro: (gurgling happily) Goo goo gaga!
John Lennon: (smiling) We missed you, mate!
Betty White: (grinning) Welcome home, James!
Brian Griffin: (barking joyfully) Woof!
[James Corden is surrounded by the warmth and love of his friends, and he can't help but smile.]
James Corden: (tearfully) I missed you all so much. Hell is where my heart truly belongs.
[As they celebrate James's return, Satan enters the room, wearing a mischievous grin.]
Satan: (teasing) Well, well, it seems like our prodigal soul has returned from his heavenly adventure.
James Corden: (grinning) You know me, Satan, always up for an adventure. But this is where I belong, with my friends and the chaos of Hell.
Satan: (playful) I must admit, things were a bit too orderly without you around.
[The gang bursts into laughter, and even Satan joins in.]
Nicola Bulley: (joking) James, you can't leave us for too long. Who else would we play Royal Match with?
Gary Shapiro: (giggling) Goo goo gaga!
John Lennon: (smirking) And we need your British humor to keep things lively!
Betty White: (playful) Heaven's loss is our gain, James.
Brian Griffin: (barking in agreement) Woof!
[The gang continues to share stories and laughter, grateful to have James back where he belongs.]
[As the scene unfolds, James Corden realizes that while Heaven has its beauty, it's the imperfections and the unique camaraderie of Hell that truly make it his home. The gang, including Satan, embodies the spirit of friendship and acceptance.]
[Scene: In Heaven]
[Seraphina and the Heavenly Council watch James's return from Heaven with smiles, understanding that he has found his place.]
Seraphina: (content) James has found his true home.
[The Heavenly Council nods in agreement, appreciating the lessons learned through the Heaven-Hell exchange program.]
[Scene: Back in Corden Manor in Hell]
[The gang's laughter and cheers continue late into the night as James Corden settles back into the chaotic yet lovable world of Hell. The episode ends on a heartwarming note, showcasing the enduring bonds of friendship and the importance of finding where one truly belongs.]
[The End]
[Note: This episode marks the conclusion of "James Corden's Wonderful Life," where James Corden's journey of self-discovery led him to appreciate the value of both Heaven and Hell, ultimately finding his heart in the lively chaos of Hell with his friends.]
=== (P) Pampers Addresses the Allegations [September 15, 2023] {} ===
[Pampers stands in a tastefully decorated room, exuding confidence and charm as he stands before the camera mounted on a tripod, addressing the audience.]
Pampers: Hello there you awakening wonders! Now this isn't the usual type of video we make on this channel where we critique, attack, and undermine the news in all its corruption, because in this story I am the news. I've received two extremely disturbing letters, or a letter and an email, one from a mainstream media TV company, one from a newspaper. listing a litany of extremely egregious and aggressive attacks, as well as some pretty stupid stuff like uh… my community festival should be stopped, that I shouldn't be able to attack mainstream media narratives on this channel, but amidst this litany of astonishing rather baroque attacks are some very serious allegations that I absolutely refute. These allegations pertain to the time when I was working in the mainstream when I was in the newspapers all the time, when I was in the movies and, as I've written about extensively in my books, I was very, very promiscuous. Now, during that time of promiscuity, the relationships I had were absolutely always consensual. I was always transparent about that then, almost too transparent, and I'm being transparent about it now as well and to see that transparency metastasized into something criminal that I absolutely deny makes me question “Is there another agenda at play?”, particularly when we've seen coordinated media attacks before like with Joe Rogan when he dared to take a medicine that the mainstream media didn't approve of and we saw a spate of headlines from media outlets across the world using the same language I'm aware that you guys have been saying in the comments for a while, “Watch out Pampers, they're coming for you! You're getting too close to the truth! Pampers did not kill himself!” I know that a year ago there was a spate of articles, “Pampers' a conspiracy theorist,” “Pampers’ right wing,” I'm aware of news media making phone calls, sending letters to people I know for ages and ages it's been clear to me or at least it feels to me like there's a serious and concerted agenda to control these kind of spaces and these kind of voices and I mean my voice along with your voice. I don't mind them using my books and my stand-up to talk about my promiscuous consensual conduct in the past. What I seriously refute are these very serious criminal allegations. Also, it's worth mentioning that there are witnesses whose evidence directly contradicts the narrative that these two mainstream media outlets are trying to construct apparently in what seems to me to be a coordinated attack. Now, I don't want to get into this any further because of the serious nature of the allegations, but I feel like I'm being attacked and plainly they are working very closely together. We are obviously going to look into this matter because it's very very serious. In the meantime, I want you to stay close, stay awake but, more important than any of that, if you can please stay free.
[The video ends.]
=== (P) Pampers: In Plain Sight [September 15, 2023] {thatjess} ===
Pampers: In Plain Sight is a documentary produced by Channel 4 and The Times. The documentary aired on Channel 4 on September 15, 2023, and featured alleged victims speaking up about misconduct brought onto them by then-president of Original Island, Pampers.
Pampers stepped down as president of Original Island the next day.
=== (S) Chicken Peter S1E1: In the Beginning God Created Heaven, and Chicken Peter [September 16, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Danville, Tri-State Area - midday. The Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. building looms menacingly over the cityscape.]
Jingle: 🎵Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!!!🎵
[Doofenshmirtz is on his rooftop meticulously putting the final finishing touches on his latest diabolical inator.]
Doofenshmirtz: 🎵The way you shake it. I can’t believe it. I ain’t ever seen a-
[The doorbell rings.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh goody! That must be the prostitute I hired!
[Doofenshmirtz answers the door to find a teal-colored platypus standing there.]
Doofenshmirtz: A platypus prostitute?
[The platypus puts a brown fedora on.]
Doofenshmirtz: PERRY THE PLATYPUS PROSTITUTE?!!!!!!!!
Perry the Platypus: (gay platypus noises)
Doofenshmirtz: You’re early, Perry the Platypus. The inator is barely finished. Welp, you might as well come in.
[Perry the Platypus steps into Doofenshmirtz’s apartment. The doormat folds up into a cage, trapping Perry.]
Doofenshmirtz: HA! You’re such a wanker sometimes, Perry the Platypus.
[Doofenshmirtz picks up Perry in his cage and carries him to the inator.]
Doofenshmirtz: You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to.
[Perry rolls his eyes.]
Doofenshmirtz: You see, Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my youth, my mother and father never let me have a pet chicken.
[Flashback to Doofenshmirtz as a boy in Gimmelshtump, keeping guard as a lawn gnome outside his parents’ house.]
Young Doofenshmirtz: Dad, can we get a chicken?
Doofenshmirtz’s Dad: BEWEG DICH NICHT!
[Cut back to the present.]
Doofenshmirtz: But that all changes today… behold… THE CHICKEN-INATOR!!!!!!!!!! Soon everyone on planet Earth will be transformed into a pet chicken for me to cuddle and cherish forever! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Doofenshmirtz accidentally steps on a remote control button, releasing Perry from his cell.]
Doofenshmirtz: Whoops. Who put that ther-
[Perry the Platypus karate-chop kicks Doofenshmirtz, accidentally knocking him into… THE CHICKEN-INATOR!!!!!!!!!!. Suddenly, the machine starts spinning.]
Doofenshmirtz: Well that’s not good.
Perry the Platypus: (worried gay platypus noises)
[The machine starts randomly firing lasers everywhere.]
Doofenshmirtz: PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Perry the Platypus: (gay shrug)
[Meanwhile, in San Francisco…]
500px
[We see the living room of Johnny’s apartment. Johnny, Mark, Peter and Steven are sitting around talking.]
Mark: Yeah, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.
Johnny: You know, Steven, I’ve never actually seen you in the same The Room as Peter before.
Steven: I agree with that.
Peter: I’ve just been too busy being a psychologist to hang out with you, Steven.
Steven: Yeah, I’ve been very busy doing whatever my job is too.
Johnny: Hahaha! What job is that, Steven?
Steven: (Jeffy voice) I don’t even know.
Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey, are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?
Johnny: I am, sure.
Peter: I’m not doing it this year.
[A laser beam comes through the window, turning Peter into… CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!!!!!]
Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep-eeeeeeeeeeee!
Chicken Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s… too many weirdos there.
Mark: Um… (laughs)
Chicken Peter: What’s wrong? Why are you laughing?
Steven: You might wanna look in a mirror, Peter.
Chicken Peter: Well okay, but I don’t see what that has to do with anyth-
[Steven hands Chicken Peter a mirror from his purse. Chicken Peter looks into it.]
Chicken Peter: (started chicken noises) CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEE-EEE-EEE-EEEEEEEEEEE!
[Another laser beam comes through the window, transforming Steven into… CHICKEN STEVEN!!!!!!!!!!]
Chicken Steven: What’s going on here?!
Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Steven, you’re just a little chicken!
Chicken Steven: I don’t believe it.
[A third laser beam comes through the window, turning Mark into… CHICKEN MARK!!!!!!!!!!]
Johnny: Oh hi Chicken Mark.
Chicken Mark: Cheep cheep cheep cheep!
[Yet another laser beam comes through the window, turning Johnny into…]
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Johnny! I’m just a little chicken!
Chicken Steven: Are you really that unfazed that we all just turned into Chicken Peters?!
Chicken Johnny: Iugyfchguiydgfhjog I don’t mind.
Chicken Peter: Well, I for one do NOT like being a Chicken Peter.
Chicken Johnny: Awwww, come on, give it chance! You can be GREAT Chicken Peter!
Chicken Peter: I guess so… You guys want to play cards?
Chicken Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Chicken Lisa any minute.
Chicken Steven: Chicken Lisa? Fucking Chicken Lisa?! CHICKEN LISA?!!!! I can’t take this anymore! This is going to pull us all down. It’s going to shake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendship.
Chicken Mark: I actually agree with Chicken Steven. There has to be some explanation as to why we’re chickens now.
Chicken Peter: Maybe there’s something about it on TV.
Chicken Johnny: Good thinking!
Chicken Steven: I agree with that.
[Johnny turns on the TV to a news report from Mr. Goodman from SuperMarioLogan.]
Mr. Goodman: BREAKING NEWS, M’KAY! Approximately five minutes ago, mad scientist Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from the Tri-State Area set off a device that turned hundreds of people across the country into chickens! We go to Chicken Brooklyn Guy for more.
[Cut to Chicken Brooklyn Guy reporting from the Tri-State Area.]
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: (in tears) Oh, this is horrible!
Mr. Goodman: What’s wrong?
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: I FOUND THIS FUCKING ONION!
Mr. Goodman: Bruh.
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: Also I’m a Chicken Peter now. So there’s that. Uh… I’ve also got good news and bad news for anyone affected by Doofenshmirtz’s inator just now. The good news is, the laser beams appear to have stopped so you don’t have to worry about being turned into a chicken anymore. The bad news is, if you’ve already been turned into a chicken it doesn’t look like there’s an antidote yet. So all you can do really is cry about it.
[Cut back to Chicken Peter and friends.]
Chicken Steven: How can they do this?!
Chicken Mark: We’re just chickens now forever?
Chicken Johnny: Yuh.
Chicken Peter: But I’m not a chicken! Cheep cheep! I’m a psychologist!
Chicken Johnny: Well.. sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it. You told me that, Chicken Peter.
Chicken Peter: That wasn’t Chicken Peter! That was- cheep cheep! That was just regular Peter!
Chicken Steven: Chicken Peter… Regular Peter IS Chicken Peter now… we need to accept this.
Chicken Mark: Wait… I got it! All we need to do is find this Dolphinmeth guy, and ask him to change us back into humans!
Chicken Johnny: That’s an idea.
Chicken Peter: A good one too. 
Chicken Mark: We just need to find out where he lives.
Chicken Steven: 9297 Polly Parkway, Danville, Tri-State Area.
[The others turn to Chicken Steven in shock.]
Chicken Mark: H- h- how… how do you know that from the top of your head?
Chicken Steven: I’m autistic. Memorising addresses is a stim for me.
Chicken Johnny: (Scott the Woz voice) Sure.
Chicken Peter: Let’s go find Deefensquirts then!
[Cut to the four of them in Chicken Johnny’s car, driving to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.]
Chicken Johnny: 🎵The way you shake it.🎵
Chicken Steven: 🎵I don’t believe it.🎵
Chicken Mark: 🎵I ain’t ever seen an-🎵
Chicken Peter: 🎵-Ass. Like. That.🎵
Chicken Johnny: 🎵The way you move it.🎵
Chicken Mark: 🎵You make my peepee go-🎵
All: 🎵-DA-DOING-DOING-DOINGGGGGG.🎵
Chicken Johnny: Oh, we’re here. Hahaha!
[Chicken Johnny parks the car. The camera pans up the building. It is now night.]
Jingle: 🎵Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!!! …after hours…🎵
[Inside his apartment, Doofenshmirtz is on his couch with the prostitute.]
Doofenshmirtz: -and then Perry the Platypus destroyed the Chicken-inator and I was all like “CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!!!” and he flew off in his hovercraft. 
[Pause.]
Doofenshmirtz: You… you don’t think this is all… weird, do you?
Prostitute: Sweetie, I’ve been paid to have sex with Christine Weston Chandler. You are not my weirdest client by far.
Doofenshmirtz: Who’s Christine Weston Chandler?
Prostitute: DON’T LOOK THEM UP!!!!
[The doorbell rings.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh goody! That must be the other prostitute I hired!
Prostitute: Another one?!
Doofenshmirtz: I’m very lonely.
[Doofenshmirtz opens the door to find Chicken Peter again.]
Doofenshmirtz: Chicken prostitutes? 
Chicken Steven: How can you do this?! You DESTROYED us, we’re VERY SENSITIVE!
Doofenshmirtz: OH DEAR LOL, I MUST HAVE HIT YOU GUYS WITH INATOR! 
Chicken Peter: And we’re sad about it.
Doofenshmirtz: My bad, folks. I just wanted a pet chicken but, heh… things got out of hand.
Chicken Mark: Could you turn us back, please?!
Doofenshmirtz: Why would I wanna turn you all back? You look ADORABLE!
Chicken Peter: I don’t feel adorable.
Chicken Johnny: Well I- I feel pretty adorable. Like a pretty little princess, hahaha!
Chicken Peter: Okay, Doofenshmirtz, could you turn us all back except Chicken Johnny then?
Doofenshmirtz: Which one’s Chicken Johnny?
Chicken Mark: Chicken Johnny’s my best friend. 
Chicken Steven: He’s the one who kinda like a Transylvanian vampire.
Chicken Johnny: I not Transylvanian, I am from New Orleans.
Doofenshmirtz: Isn’t New Orleans the place that got attacked by a Big Shark?
Chicken Johnny: Yuh.
Doofenshmirtz: Sure, sure, I guess I could try and change you all back if you are really that bummed about it.
Chicken Mark: Oh thank Talking Ben!
Chicken Peter: Yeah, thanks so much dude! You know, for a moment, I thought I was gonna be a Chicken Peter for the rest of my li-
[Suddenly, sirens can be heard blaring in the distance.]
Chicken Peter: What’s that?
Chicken Johnny: Daniel Khalife must have escaped again. Hahaha!
[The police show up at Doofenshmirtz’s door.]
PC Plum: Heinz Doofenshmirtz?
Doofenshmirtz: That’s me.
PC Plum: You’re under arrest for turning the minority of the population into Chicken Peters.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on! 
[PC Plum puts Doofenshmirtz in handcuffs.]
Doofenshmirtz: Melissa, help me!
Prostitute: My name is Mary! Also I have to go. I’m also a police officer and Daniel Khalife escaped again.
PC Plum: I’ve never seen you down at the station.
Prostitute: I work for, um… another station. Anyway, thanks for the late night service!
[Mary runs off.]
Doofenshmirtz: Augh. Can’t you just let me off with a warning or something, officer? That’s what Perry the Platypus usually does.
PC Plum: The guy from OWCA? That place is run by nutjobs. 
Doofenshmirtz: But- 
PC Plum: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be poopfellowed against you in court.
Doofenshmirtz: CURSE YOU, CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!
[PC Plum drags Doofenshmirtz away.]
Chicken Peter: I didn’t even do anything!
Chicken Mark: (sighs) Well we almost got him to change us back.
Chicken Steven: I guess we’re gonna be Chicken Peters forever, huh?
Chicken Johnny: Hey, hey! Being a Chicken Peter isn’t that bad! We had a lot of fun together as Chicken Peters over the past couple days.
Chicken Peter: We’ve been Chicken Peters for four hours.
Chicken Johnny: Well, we sorta have this whole, fun odd Chicken Peter dynamic. Built-in conflict… Lots of potential for more adventures…
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: (sighs) Fuck it. Let’s be Chicken Peters.
Chicken Johnny: That’s the idea. Cheep cheep cheep cheep!
All: Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-eee-eeeeeee!
[The end.]
=== (S‡) Chicken Peter Clicker [September 22, 2023] {thatjess} ===
In Chicken Peter Clicker, players are presented with a playful and colorful interface featuring a cartoon chicken named Chicken Peter. The objective of the game is to click on Chicken Peter to generate points, often referred to as "cheeps." These cheeps are essential for advancing in the game.
As players accumulate clucks by clicking on Chicken Peter, they can unlock upgrades and power-ups to enhance their cheeping efficiency. Upgrades may include increasing the cheeps per click, automating cheeping through "Chicken Peter helpers," or even evolving Chicken Peter into new forms. 
Throughout the game, Chicken Peter can undergo transformations and evolve into various amusing and quirky forms. Each evolution brings new abilities, appearances, and cheeping multipliers, encouraging players to strive for higher levels and better upgrades.
To aid players in their cheeping quest, Chicken Peter Clicker offers a range of power-ups and boosts that can significantly amplify cheep production. These enhancements might include temporary cgheep multipliers, speed boosts, or bonus cheeps for a limited time.
Chicken Peter Clicker incorporates an achievement system, rewarding players for reaching milestones, unlocking evolutions, or achieving specific clucks-per-second rates. Additionally, the game presents challenges that add an extra layer of excitement, encouraging strategic gameplay and providing additional rewards.
The game also fosters a sense of community by allowing players to compete with their friends or other players globally. Leaderboards showcase top cheepers and encourage healthy competition, fostering a lively gaming ecosystem.
=== (S) Chicken Peter S1E2: True and Honest Chicken Peter [September 30, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of the Psychologist Building in San Francisco. The company’s boss is in her office, rummaging through paperwork. Chicken Peter enters, looking a little more shaken than usual.]
Chicken Peter: Cheep cheep cheep… You wanted to CHEEP- I mean, see me, boss?
[The boss straightens her paperwork, and gives Chicken Peter a stern look.]
Boss: Take a seat.
[Chicken Peter complies.]
Boss: You know, Peter-
Chicken Peter: Actually it’s Chicken Peter now.
Boss: I don’t care. Peter, you’ve worked here always playing psychologist with us for many years, and one week ago I would have considered you one of our best.
Chicken Peter: Oh boy, there’s a “but” coming.
Boss: A big “but”. Like Kevin Leonardo’s, we’re talking.
[Chicken Peter gulps.]
Boss: This past week, Peter, you’ve been acting a lot more… I’m just gonna say it, you’ve been just a little chicken.
Chicken Peter: Oh come on! This is discrimination!
Boss: Yesterday your patient wanted to kill himself and you ran out of the room crying! I have no problem with you being a Chicken Peter now, but I can’t keep you employed here if you’re gonna keep acting like a Chicken Peter. Consider this your two-week notice.
Chicken Peter: BRUH! YOU’RE FIRING ME??!
Boss: I prefer the term “letting you go.”
Chicken Peter: NO! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! YOU ARE NOT LETTING ME GO! I AM LETTING YOU GO! I QUIT! GOOD DAY, MA’AM!
[Chicken Peter angrily storms out of the office.]
Boss: You know what, that’s fine, you leave, don’t come back! We don’t need you anyway! It’s your loss—you and your stupid Warner Bros! They spit on you at Warner Bros!
500px
[Exterior shot of Johnny’s apartment complex. It is revealed that Chicken Peter also lives here, and we see him entering his apartment.]
Chicken Peter: Honey, I’m home!
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH-OOH!
[Chicken Peter and THE MONKEY kiss.]
THE MONKEY: I’m making spaghetti tacos!
Chicken Peter: You get me so well, bubba.
THE MONKEY: How was work today, darling?
Chicken Peter: I got fired.
THE MONKEY: BRUH
Chicken Peter: They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.
THE MONKEY: Did you tell them how much you save them?
Chicken Peter: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. They save money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.
THE MONKEY: Well it’s their loss, not yours, honey. Why did you fire you anyway?
Chicken Peter: They said I was too much of a chicken…
THE MONKEY: That’s crazy talk!
[CrazySponge walks in.]
CrazySponge: You called?
THE MONKEY: Fuck off.
CrazySponge: 😢
[CrazySponge leaves.]
Chicken Peter: I’m sorry, THE MONKEY. We’re gonna need some extra money while I look for another job.
THE MONKEY: Don’t say sorry, bubba! You know, we could always try kidnapping innocent children and asking for millions in ransom money.
Chicken Peter: That sounds hard, and- CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP -illegal.
THE MONKEY: Hahaha! Chicken Peter, you’re just a little chicken!
Chicken Peter: I AM NOT!
THE MONKEY: Maybe the psychology place was right. 
Chicken Peter: I AM NOT A LITTLE CHICKEN!
THE MONKEY: Wait, why don’t we just do what SpongeBob and Daddy Pig did?
Chicken Peter: Who?
THE MONKEY: They stopped the Suzy Sheep apocalypse last year.
Chicken Peter: Oh yeah.
THE MONKEY: I’ve been reading Daddy Pig’s memoir and he says that when he and SpongeBob needed some money, they just got a lodger. He turned out to be a pedophile, but we have a spare room, right?
Chicken Peter: I guess so…
THE MONKEY: Come on, it’ll be fun having another guy in the apartment!
Chicken Peter: Cheep chee- fine.. Just make sure they’re not a weirdo. There’s… too many weirdos these days.
THE MONKEY: Great! I’ll put out an ad on Paigelist. 
French Narrator: The next day…
[Chicken Peter and THE MONKEY are laying in bed together when they hear a really loud knock at their apartment door. Chicken Peter wakes up, startled.]
Chicken Peter: CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!
THE MONKEY: Augh… what’s wrong, Chicken Peter?
Chicken Peter: There’s someone at the door…
THE MONKEY: What time is it?
[Chicken Peter checks their bedside alarm.]
Chicken Peter: 5am…
THE MONKEY: Holy JewWario… better answer it.
Chicken Peter: Augh…
[Chicken Peter walks towards the door, unlocks it and opens it.]
Chicken Peter: Hello?
[Fucking Chris Chan invites themself into the apartment.]
Chris Chan: This does not even deserve a Captain’s Log introduction. Hey guys, this is dead serious!
Chicken Peter: I’m sorry, it’s five in the morning. Do I know you?
Chris Chan: My name is Christine Weston Chandler, chronicler of Sonichu and Rosechu, as well as the CPU Goddess of the Nations of Cwcville, Comma, and the Commodore Consoles. I suspect you’ve heard quite a bit about me.
Chicken Peter: I literally have no idea who you are…
Chris Chan: I’m Chris Chandler! I’m famous on da internets!
Chicken Peter: …are you like one of those Minecraft SMP guys?
[THE MONKEY approaches the two.]
THE MONKEY: Who is it, baby?
Chicken Peter: It’s some guy.
Chris Chan: I AM CHRISTINE… WESTON… CHANDLER! SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME THE REAL NAME THAT HAVE GOD HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME, AND the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989… YOU DAMN, MOCKING, BASTARD!!!
[Pause. THE MONKEY turns to Chicken Peter.]
THE MONKEY: Is she a friend of yours?
Chicken Peter: I am just as clueless as you.
Chris Chan: Am I right in thinking you are Chicken Peter and THE MONKEY?
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH–OOH!
Chicken Peter: …yeah?
Chris Chan: Well, I saw your advertisement on Paigelist and I believe you two are looking for an um… a lodger of sorts.
THE MONKEY: Oh. Oh right. Sorry, I completely forgot I put that up last night.
Chris Chan: It’s okay. We all make mistakes. Well, you see, I’m in a bit of a predicament. My sweet darling Barbara kicked me out of my house in Ruckersville, Virginia, so now I am looking for a place to stay which I am hoping you two will provide for me.
Chicken Peter: I’m sorry, did you say you live in Virginia?
Chris Chan: Eeyup.
Chicken Peter: This is San Francisco, in the middle of California.
Chris Chan: Eeyup.
Chicken Peter: You drove all the way from Virginia to California assuming we would give you a place to stay?
Chris Chan: That is correct. I brought a few things with me, I hope y’all don’t mind.
[Chris slams a MAHOOSIVE suitcase onto the floor.]
THE MONKEY: Oh wow.
Chris Chan: Just a few of my belongings. My striped shirts, my medallions, as well as my entire My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic collection.
THE MONKEY: Well, you have -money, right?
Chris Chan: I have my tugboat, yes.
Chicken Peter: Tug- tugboat?
Chris Chan: Yeah, um… not sure if you’ve noticed but I am an autistic, you see, and I get a tugboat of money each month because um… I’m special, yeah.
THE MONKEY: Well, if you can give us money I guess you can stay in the guest room.
Chicken Peter: CHEEP CHEEP- WHAT?!
THE MONKEY: They seem nice.
Chicken Peter: They seem like a weirdo! And I don’t like weirdos.
Chris Chan: I won’t be that weird, I promise.
THE MONKEY: And they’re gonna give us money!
Chicken Peter: Hmmm… that is true. Okay fine, this guy can stay.
Chris Chan: YIPPEE!! Oh thank you, thak you, thank you SO MUCH! You will not regret this…
[Chris Chan hugs Chicken Peter.]
Chicken Peter: CHEEP CHEEP- augh…
[Fin.]
=== (S) Chicken Peter S1E3: Five Nights at Chicken Peter's [October 31, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[The episode opens in the Chicken Peter apartment living room. THE MONKEY is making some Frosted Flakes, Chris Chan is scrolling on Chris’ laptop, and Chicken Peter is reading the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper.]
Chicken Peter: Augh, there’s no good jobs in here!
Chris Chan: You could try being a Goddess Blue Heart and Lord of All, like me.
Chicken Peter: I don’t think that’s a real job, Chris.
Chris Chan: I HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MY MOTHER LAST NIGHT!
THE MONKEY: You mean Chicken Peter’s mother, right?
Chris Chan: …sure. I have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER had sex with Barbara, period.
Chicken Peter: (pointing at his newspaper) Hey, I found one!
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH-OOH! What is it, honey?
Chicken Peter: A security gig at some restaurant or something. It’s minimum wage and I would have to work nights, but my psychology degree is useless now that I’m a Chicken Peter, so this is better than nothing.
THE MONKEY: I’m sure you’ll be great!
Chicken Peter: I’ll phone them up right away. 
Chris Chan: Ooh! Can you try getting me a job there too?
Chicken Peter: I thought you got income from your Etsy and… what do you call it?
Chris Chan: My tugboat? Well… yeah, but a side hustle would be nice, ya know?
Chicken Peter: Alright then.
[Chicken Peter takes out his phone and dials a number.]
Chicken Peter: Hello? Yeah, I’m calling about the job opportunity, the security guard?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: You for real?! I’m hired?! Just on the spot like that? No interview or anything?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Oh my JewWario, thank you so much dude! I’ll be there tomorrow.
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Yep, got it. Oh, by the way, any chance my friend could get a job too? Their name is Christine Weston Chand-
[The other line hangs up.]
Chicken Peter: H-hello? 
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Well I’m starting tomorrow apparently.
THE MONKEY: But tomorrow’s Halloween…
Chicken Peter: We still need the money. Besides, what could go wrong?
[Cut to Chicken Peter pulling up to the restaurant in his car at night, ready for his first shift. Chicken Peter gets out of his car and starts approaching the building. A dimly-lit sign barely sits on the roof reading “Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria”. Thunder strikes.]
Chicken Peter: (startled) CHEEP CHEEP!
[Chicken Peter recomposes himself and knocks on the front door.]
Chicken Peter: Hello? Anyone there? I’m the new security guard?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Oh! They said the key would be under the mat.
[Chicken Peter reaches under the doormat, grabs the key and unlocks the door, locking it behind him.]
Chicken Peter: You’re gonna do fine, Chicken Peter, you’re gonna do fine.
[Chicken Peter begins walking down the hallway.]
Chicken Peter: …hello? H-h-hello?
[Chicken Peter looks at the pictures on the walls on the unintentionally-eery animal mascot characters.]
Chicken Peter: (shaking) This place gives me the- CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP- creeps…
[A tall figure emerges from behind Chicken Peter.]
???: Hi.
Chicken Peter: GAH!
[Chicken Peter jumps up and turns around in fright.]
???: Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare ya! …well, I did, but…
Chicken Peter: Wh-wh-wh-CHEEP-who are you?
Sam: Sam. Sam Puckett. 
Chicken Peter: Wait… THE Sam Puckett?! From iCarly?
Sam: That was decades ago, man. Get over it. 
Chicken Peter: Oh, I’m sorry. Just a little starstruck.
Sam: Whatever, dude. You know, it’s my first day as a security guard too.
Chicken Peter: Oh, I-I-I-I didn’t know there were more.
Sam: Yeahhhh, they didn’t tell us a lot when my wife and I signed up either. But this seems like a piece of cake.
Chicken Peter: H-h-how many of us are there?
Sam: Just us three. Come on.
[Sam leads Chicken Peter into the security guard office. Her wife, Cat Valentine, is there, giddily spinning around on a spinny chair.]
Cat: Wheee! (laughs) I’m so dizzy!
Sam: The cool butch sapphic and dumb fem sapphic thing is very much real, Chicken Peter.
Cat: Hey, I’m not dumb! My therapist says it’s an undiagnosed learning disablity. I’m Cat, by the way.
Chicken Peter: Chicken Peter.
Cat: Wow! You’re a Chicken and I’m a cat! Crazy, right?
Chicken Peter: Hehe, yeah… sooo… what do we do around here?
Sam: I dunno. They just said to watch the cameras.
Chicken Peter: Really? They needed three people to watch live security footage of a restaurant that hasn’t been open since the eighties?
Sam: Hey, a paycheck is a paycheck. 
Cat: And we really need money because I blew our whole life savings on bibble.
Sam: Yeahhh, she did… I still love her though.
Chicken Peter: (looks at the clock) Hey, it’s 1AM already! The night’s gonna be a breeze.
Sam: You can say that again. Mama’s getting paid to watch the rugby all night. Argentina is up against Molvanîa and Jarvis Zagna is SO hot!
Cat: But Sam, we’re supposed to be watching the cameras! You said it yourself!
Sam: Pfffft. They have no way of knowing if we’re actually doing that or not. Anyway, it’s not like anything bad is gonna happen tonight…
[Cut to the main stage of the pizzeria, where the animatronic mascots Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie and Chica stand.]
Freddy: Something very bad is gonna happen tonight!
Bonnie and Chica: Yeah!
Freddy: We’ve got some fresh meat, which means new unsuspecting victims to play with!
Chica: It’s gonna be a great night. I’m so FUCKING high right now!
Bonnie: Good JewWario, Chica! How much edibles did you take?
Chica: 300mg.
Freddy: You gonna combust some day, you know that?
Chica: THE WEED GIVES ME STRENGTH!
Freddy: See, Bonnie?! This is why I hate women. They never fucking listen…
Chica: Whoa, dude, have you ever really looked at your hand? I mean, really looked at it... it's like, so intricate and... profound, man.
Freddy: This is exactly what I mean, Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hey boss, can I go out and scare them first?
Freddy: Oh for fuck’s sake, Bonnie, you always get to go out first! Can’t you let someone else have a turn for once?
Bonnie: Well, Chica’s so high I’m not sure she will ever come down, you’re frankly slow as hell, Freddie, and I don’t even know where the fuck that bitch Foxy is.
Freddy: Augh, fine. You go out first.
Bonnie: Fuck yeah! I will thank you, father!
Freddy: I’m not your dad. 
[Cut to the trio of security guards goofing off in the office.]
Cat: -so I only really sing at local clubs nowadays.
Chicken Peter: I see.
Cat: I tried being an actor once. My acting teacher in high school was fun… turned out to be a child molester though. I think they eventually found him hiding out with… what were their names? The guys who helped stopped the 2022 Suzy Sheep Crisis? SpongeBarbara and Father Ham or something, I don’t know.
Chicken Peter: Guys, how many animatronics are there supposed on the main stage?
Sam: Uh… like three I think?
Chicken Peter: Well, I only count two.
[They all look at the cameras.]
Sam: Huh, you’re right. Must have misremembered.
Chicken Peter: No, no, I swear there were three. What about you, Cat?
Cat: I can’t count.
Sam: It’s the middle of the night, you’re probably just going cuckoo. Now shut up and let me watch the rugby, okay?!
Chicken Peter: (nervous) Yeah, yeah… hehe, I’m just being a little chicken again. You’re right, you’re completely right.
[Chicken Peter switches the security footage to the dining area. Bonnie is there, facing directly at the camera.]
Chicken Peter: GAH!
Sam: What is it now?!
Chicken Peter: One of them moved! One of them moved to the eating area! I swear!
Cat: Oh hey, there is one of them in the eating area! He looks so silly!
Chicken Peter: I don’t like this place… He looks scary.
Cat: But he’s a cute bunny rabbit!
Chicken Peter: He probably has rabies.
Sam: You probably have rabies! They’re animatronics, maybe the just get a little quirky at night, I dunno. You’re overreacting. Take a chill pill, dude.
Cat: My brother Frankini takes chill pills so he doesn’t get too aggressive. 
Chicken Peter: What kind of name is Frankini?
Cat: What kind of name is Chicken Peter?
Chicken Peter: 😞
French Narrator: One hour later…
[Chicken Peter is frantically checking the monitors.]
Chicken Peter: Oh shit, I’ve lost the bunny rabbit again.
[Sam is still engrossed in the rugby game.]
Sam: LET’S FUCKING GO! JARVIS ZAGNA SCORED A TRY!
Chicken Peter: This is serious!!! 
Cat: Well maybe he went back to the main stage.
Chicken Peter: Oh, good thinking!
[Chicken Peter switches the camera to the main stage. Only Freddy Fazbear is standing there now.]
Chicken Peter: WHERE THE FUCK DID THE DUCK THING GO?!!!!!
Cat: Pretty sure it’s a chicken.
Chicken Peter: I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT SHE IS! I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE WENT!
[Pieces of metal bashing together can be heard in the background.]
Chicken Peter: CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! WHAT’S THAT?!!!!!
[Chicken Peter switches the cameras around. Chica is in the kitchen.]
Chicken Peter: WHY IS SHE IN THE KITCHEN?!!!!!!!!!
Cat: Maybe she got hungry for some spaghetti tacos.
Sam: Classic.
Chicken Peter: They’re after us… I swear they are!
Sam: Calm the fuck down, Chicken Peter! None of them are after us!
Bonnie: Hello.
[Chicken Peter flickers the light on in the hallway to the left of the security office. Bonnie is standing there by the metal door.]
Chicken Peter: WHAAATE RTE FFUCKCK?/!!!! WATFF EYEHF FUKCKC?!!!!!!
[Chicken Peter presses a button and the metal door bolts down, blocking Bonnie’s access to the office.]
Chicken Peter: WHTFFTEHE FUFCKC?!!!
[Chicken Peter keeps flickering the light on and off. Bonnie is still standing outside the door, as seen through the window.]
Chicken Peter: HE’S ETSUCOL FFUCKCKNG THEREE”!!!!!! WHAT TEHF CUCKD EFFU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: It’s okay, it’s okay. He’ll probably go soon.
French Narrator: A few more hours later…
[Chicken Peter is still flickering the light on and off. Bonnie is still by the door. At this point, Sam has put headphones on and is watching the rugby game like that.]
Chicken Peter: HWOGKF SINDBEY EHED STILL ETEREE?!!!!!!! EHE STELLF VDTFCKNG GHEEERE AT TEH FFR FODDORR!!!!!!!!
Chica: I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
Chicken Peter: I SAIFNF EYTWWHWOE TSS HE STLLF FUCKCING AT THE FCDFOR-
[Chicken Peter turns around. Chica is standing at the right door.]
Chicken Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[Chicken Peter presses another button, bolting the right door down.]
Chicken Peter: TEHYR’E ATE BOTH OF FORUR FOORS! TEHYR’EE NOTF FUCKING LEAVING!!!!!!!!
Cat: Oh. I see what you mean now by them all coming after us.
Chicken Peter: I FUKCCDGNG TODLF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonnie: Look, this would go a lot faster if you just opened the doors and let us come in and get this over with.
Chicken Peter: FUCKF FYOU, ROBOT BUNNYE FRNRABBIT MAN!!!!!!!!
Chica: Keeping the doors down like this actually drastically drains the building’s electricity. 
Chicken Peter: WHATA/:??!!!!!!!!
Chica: I said “Keeping the doors down like this actually drastically drains the building’s electricity.” If you keep them closed, it won’t be long before the power cuts off and we can come in. 
[The power cuts off and Bonnie and Chica can come in.]
Chica: Ah, there we go.
[Sam takes her headphones off.]
Sam: Now THAT was a fantastic rugby game!
[She notices the power is out.]
Sam: What’d I miss?
[Suddenly, a familiar music box melody starts playing. Sam’s eyes widen.]
Sam: Oh no.
Cat: What?
Chicken Peter: What is it?
Sam: Can’t you hear the music?! That’s 1905 Regina Music Box Classical Overture!!!!! Every security guard knows that means death!!!!!
[Freddy Fazbear appears at the left door.]
Freddy: Har har har har har…
Sam: Quick! Turn the emergency power on before it’s too late!
[Chicken Peter and Cat trying flicking the emergency power switch to no avail.]
Sam: Hurry, Chicken Peter! The music is almost over!
Chicken Peter: I’M- CHEEP CHEEP CHEE- TRYING! 
Cat: IT’S NO USE!
Freddy: Har har har har har…
Cat: (shaking) Only JewWario can save us now…
[The three animatronics start closing in on the three security guards.]
Sam: Please…
Cat: …have mercy…
[Freddy is about to jumpscare them when-]
Chicken Peter: ALRIGHT THAT’S IT!
[The three animatronics take a step back.]
Chicken Peter: YOU THREE WEIRDOS HAVE BEEN GOING AROUND ALL NIGHT BEING ANNOYING AND TRYING TO- CHEEP CHEEP CHEE- SCARE US! WELL, IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK! SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST ALL BACK OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE!!
[Pause.]
Chica: …scare you?
Bonnie: We weren’t trying to scare you?
Chicken Peter: What?
Chica: We just wanted to play.
Chicken Peter: I find that kind of hard to believe.
Freddy: How so?
Chicken Peter: Well… you’re all… um… you know…
Chica: Scary robot freaks?
Chicken Peter: I wasn’t going to use the word “freaks”.
Freddy: Sure you weren’t… (sighs) It’s okay, no one ever wants to play with us.
Cat: Aw… that’s so sad!
Freddy: All the other security guards usually quit after their first five nights.
Bonnie: Some will stay for a sixth or even seventh, if we’re lucky.
Chica: It’s not our fault we’re freaks.
Freddy: We’re forced to be still and play the same songs all day long… we just wanna have some fun at night!
Bonnie: We’ve been all alone, stuck in our little zone since the bite of ‘87…
Cat: 1987?
Chica: That’s when they stopped letting us roam around during the day.
Freddy: Bonnie took a bite of some cake and got crumbs all over the floor. The carpet needed to be deep cleaned…
Chicken Peter: Well, huh… I-I-I’m sorry. 
Cat: We really thought you were gonna kill us!
Sam: I didn’t.
Cat: Oh come on, you were clinging to me in fear, Sam!
Freddy: It’s okay, it’s okay. Every guard is the same.
Cat: Well, it would help a little bit if you stopped creeping up on everyone like that.
Bonnie: Really?
Chicken Peter: Yeah! I bet people would love to be friends with you if you just asked.
Freddy: Huh… I never thought of that.
[An alarm on Sam’s phone goes off.]
Sam: Let’s go, 6AM! Time to clock out.
Chica: Well, I guess we’ll see you all tomorrow then?
Chicken Peter: Oh fuck no! Tonight almost gave me a heart attack, I’m definitely never coming back here ever again.
Freddy: Oh…
Sam: Well… Cat and I still need to pay off our debt. We’ll be back tomorrow.
Bonnie: Really?!
Cat: Of course! Let’s have some fun together.
[Cut to Freddy, Bonnie and Chica waving at the three as they walk out the front doors.]
Freddy: Bye guys!
Chica: See you tomorrow, Sam and Cat!
Bonnie: Well that was an eventful day.
[Suddenly, a shadowy figure starts running down the hallway.]
???: Deedeeedumdudmdeeeduem…
[Foxy emerges from the shadows.]
Foxy: Aw man, that was one MEATY shit! What’d I miss?
[Mr. Hippo also shows up.]
Mr. Hippo: Hello, I am Mr. Hippo.
[The end. Happy Halloween!]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E10: The Larry Episode [November, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[POV shot of Daddy Pig with a bag over his head. Text on screen reading "November 2023"]
Daddy Pig: What's going on here? This bags been over my head since August!
[Larry takes the bag off Daddy Pig's head]
Gary 3: Rise and Sign Mr. Pig, Rise and Si-
Larry: WHY DID YOU MAKE SPONGEBOB GAY!? WHY DID YOU RUIN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SANDY!? WHY ARE YOU PINK!?!??
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Two things: 1. What the hell are you talking about. 2. Where the fuck are we? 
Gary 3: Larry's Mom's Basement.
Daddy Pig: Ah.
Larry: Daddy Pig, ungay SpongeBob.
[Pause.] 
Daddy Pig: THE HELL?
[Daddy Pig runs away]
Larry: SHIT WE DIDN'T TIE HIM DOWN!
[Cut to black. Shot of SpongeBob's Pineapple]
SpongeBob: *whistling*
[Knock at door]
SpongeBob: I'll get it!
[SpongeBob opens the door]
SpongeBob: Hi Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Hi SpongeBob. Mummy Pig kicked me out again because a maniac is looking for me and fears he will destroy her plates.
SpongeBob: Who is the maniac, exactly?
Daddy Pig: Larry.
SpongeBob: Yeah, the day Suzy Sheep died he broke into a plate store and broke all of their plates. Can you stay with 
Mummy Sheep instead? I cherish my plates.
[Shot of Mummy Sheep's house.]
Daddy Pig: Mummy Sheep, open up! 
[Pedro's dad walks by]
Pedro's Dad: You poor soul! Mummy Sheep overdosed on heroin back in September!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: What?
[Cut to Larry and Gary 3 talking in Larry's Mom's Basement]
Gary 3: Seriously, you're making a new country? 
Larry: Yes! It's called Larryland! It's located right next to Rick Roll Land! It will have Trump as it's king!
[Pause.]
Gary 3: Trump as king? I'm on board.
[Larry calls Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: *on phone* What is it?
Larry: Wanna be king of Larryland?
Donald Trump: Sure.
French Narrator: Meanwhile..,
[Wide shot of Sandy's treedome. SpongeBob is knocking on the door]
SpongeBob: Sandy, open up!
[Sandy opens the door]
Sandy: What is it SpongeBob? 
SpongeBob: I have to admit something.
Sandy: You're gay? I already knew.
SpongeBob: No, it's something else.
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: Squidward is dead.
[Pause.]
Sandy: WHAT?!?!!?
SpongeBob: Oh no wait he's just missing.
Sandy: Don't scare me like that!
SpongeBob: Sorry. Nothing interesting has happened besides that, you know with Daddy Pig with his family now and-
Sandy: SpongeBob, come inside. I need to tell you something.
[Cut to Donald Trump's house]
Donald Trump: Melania! I'm gonna be president of Larryland!
Melania Trump: I do not give a shit. 
Donald Trump: But you get to be the first lady!
Melania Trump: No shit Sherlock. Just shut up and answer the phone that's been ringing for the past 10 minutes.
[Donald picks up the phone]
Donald Trump: Yello?
Larry: *on phone* Take the next plane to Pee Pee Island because that's where Larryland is located!
Donald Trump: WOOHOO! I'M GONNA GO TO PEE PEE ISLAND!!!!!!
[A scene plays swapping back and forth between SpongeBob and Daddy Pig. The DP parts are in bold]
SpongeBob: What do you mean Larry thinks Daddy Pig made me gay?
Daddy Pig: How could this have happened?
Sandy: I have no idea.
Pedro's Dad: She didn't seem to do drugs before.
Sandy: I'm sorry.
Pedro's Dad: But you can get though this.
SpongeBob & Daddy Pig: I can.
SpongeBob: Larry has no evidence!
Daddy Pig: I've gotten over Mummy Sheep by now.
[Cut to a U.N. meeting with MrSpherical characters representing the countries.]
Usaball: Okay everyone. How will we stop the new fascist regime known as Larryland?
Russiaball: One word: Nukes!
Canadaball: But we would be nuking a disputed territory that's technically mine!
Russiaball: Sucks to suck I guess.
Ukball: How about we take the Larry out of Larryland!
Usaball: Removing the first five letters of the country's name isn't gonna do shi-
[Pause]
Usaball: Ohhhhhh! I see what you mean.
[Cut to a CIA agent briefing Squidward during one of Larry's speeches.]
Squidward: Did you really have to kidnap me for this operation?
CIA Agent: Yes, now just snipe Larry and-
[Squidward shoots Larry in the head, killing him instantly.]
CIA Agent: Wow, I- I didn't expect you to do that so fast!
Squidward:. I just work as quickly as possible. Plus I have fantastic aim.
[Cut to Daddy Pig living in the Penis Lair]
Daddy Pig: Thanks for letting me stay with you, PenisMan.
PenisMan: Hey, it's the least I could do for my former sidekick.
Perch Perkins: *on tv* Hello Bikini Bottom or Peppa Pig World I don't fucking know at this point. Larry is dead.
Daddy Pig; WooHoo! Bye PenisMan. I think I could go back to living with my family now.
PenisMan: Ok, see you hopefully before the series finale!
[Cut to Squidward and SpongeBob at Olive Garden]
Squidward: So.... you used to be in love with Sandy?
SpongeBob: Yeah, but then I accidentally watched gay porn and I haven't been the same since.
Squidward: Ah.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Short 4: International Men's Day [November 19. 2023] {thatjess, ChatGPT} ===
[Daddy Pig is sitting in his favorite armchair in his living room, a newspaper in hand.]
SpongeBob: (off-screen) Okay, we’re rolling.
[Daddy Pig puts his newspaper down and looks directly at the camera with a proud expression.]
Daddy Pig: Hey all, Daddy Pig here! And welcome to another video on my channel. You may know me from my champion puddle-jumping days, being the father of the mayor of Peppa Pig World, or even single-handedly saving the world from the Suzy Sheep apocalypse a year or so ago.
SpongeBob: (off-screen) Single-handedly?! Really?!
Daddy Pig: Well, I had a few sidekicks. You guys can read all about it in my new memoir actually: “Pigtures of Fatherhood - Lessons in Life from Daddy Pig.” Available now at all good book retailers! But that’s not what this video is about. As I’m sure you are very well aware, today is an extra special day—International Men's Day! A day to celebrate the greatness of men!
[Daddy Pig puffs out his chest and flexes, looking quite pleased with himself.]
Daddy Pig: It's the day where we all acknowledge that men like me are, well, just a bit superior, don't you think? Strong, smart, and, of course, better than the enbies and ladies in practically every way!
SpongeBob: (off-screen) I don’t think that’s what the day is about…
Daddy Pig: Of course it is! And I should know! I’m a bit of an expert at being a man! A fine specimen, if I do say so myself!
SpongeBob: (off-screen) I thought International Men’s Day was about promoting positive masculinity, addressing men's health issues, and fostering gender equality. Everyone is equall, and we should celebrate and support each other.
Daddy Pig: (scoffs) Hahaha! What a load of rubbish! You really think that men are on the same level as everyone else?! We don’t need to talk about mental health and all that crap! That’s a stupid woke modern thing! We got along fine back in caveman times before we decided we all had “anxiety” and “worries”!!
SpongeBob: (off-screen) Good Talking Ben…
Daddy Pig: Woke society, eh?! Gary 3 would agree with me if he was here! There really is no better day to be a man! So let’s spend the day celebrating all the amazing things that men can do and how GREAT we really are!! This is Daddy Pig, signing off.
SpongeBob: (off-screen) I am not uploading this.
Daddy Pig: Eh, I’ll get Peppa to do it.
[SpongeBob turns off the camera.]
=== (S) Chicken Peter S1E4: The Chicken Peter Christmas Special [December 22, 2023] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of a San Francisco coffee house decorated with Christmas window stickers and tinsel. Chicken Peter, THE MONKEY, and Chris Chan enter.]
Chris Chan: I just need to use the restroom quickly and make a yuletide log. Even CPU goddesses need to dispose of bodily waste.
[Chris Chan darts for the restrooms. THE MONKEY turns to Chicken Peter.]
Chicken Peter: Look, I already- CHEEP CHEEP- told you. We are not bringing Chris Chan with us. The North Pole is already filled with too many weirdos.
THE MONKEY: I just don’t know if I can trust Chris alone in our apartment for the week though. 
Chicken Peter: Yeah, but… (sighs) you’re completely right, baby cakes..
[The two kiss. The barista calls Chicken Peter and THE MONKEY forward in the queue.]
Susan: Next please.
Chicken Peter: Oh hi Susan.
Susan: Oh hi Chicken Peter, I didn’t know it was you.
Chicken Peter: Can I get a large peanut butter cup with extra whipped cream, please?
THE MONKEY: I’ll just have a banana smoothie.
Susan: How about something like… cheesecake!?
THE MONKEY: Nah.
Susan: Real good…
[The two shake their heads.]
Susan: Alright. Go sit down, we’ll be right there.
[The two go to sit down at a table, when they spot Chicken Johnny, Chicken Mark, and Denny.]
Chicken Johnny: Oh hi Chicken Peter! Oh hi THE MONKEY!
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH-OOH!
Chicken Peter: Hey Johnny, Mark, Denny.
[The two join their table.]
THE MONKEY: I fucking hate that Susan. Did she try to offer you cheesecake too?
Chicken Mark: I hate cheesecake.
Chicken Johnny: I uuyksuygfuhj2w I don’t mind.
[Chris Chan joins the table.]
Chris Chan: ‘Sup.
Chicken Peter: Fuck. We forgot to order you something, sorry.
Chris Chan: It’s okay, I’m on a diet.
Denny: What kind of diet?
Chris Chan: Orange fanta mixed with semen.
Denny: Ooh I ought to try that.
THE MONKEY: Wait, this is perfect actually! 
Chris Chan: Fanta mixed with my cum?
THE MONKEY: I meant us all being here like this. Johnny, you don’t mind Chris joining us on our trip, right?
Chicken Johnny: Not at- CHEEP CHEEP- all! The more the merrier.
Denny: I thought two was great but three’s a crowd.
Chris Chan: What trip?
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! You haven’t told Chris, have you?!
Chicken Peter: Every year Johnny takes us to spend Christmas at the North Pole.
Chris Chan: …the North Pole?
Chicken Johnny: Yeah yeah yeah, with Santa Claus. Hahaha!
Chris Chan: You know Santa?!
Chicken Peter: He’s pretty close friends with him, actually.
Chris Chan: WHAT?!!!!!!!! 
Chicken Johnny: Santa Claus and I go way back, hahaha!
THE MONKEY: Ooh-ooh ooh! I feel a storytime coming on!
[Everyone around the table chants “story!” over and over.]
Chicken Peter: Not a story…
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Peter, you’re just a little chicken!
Chicken Peter: You’re a chicken too…
Denny: I wanna hear the story.
Chicken Mark: You already know the story.
Denny: I just like to listen to you guys.
Chicken Johnny: Okayyy, okay, I’ll tell the story. It all starts way back, in my hometown of New Orleans, when I was just a little baby, and way before I was Chicken Johnny and I was still Human Johnny.
[To read the flashback, go here. Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: And so I was raised as an elf.
Chris Chan: Like the Will Ferrell movie!
Chicken Johnny: No! This is real Hollywood movie, no Mickey Mouse stuff! Those motherfuckers at Warner Bros. stole my life story! They spit on you at Warner Bros.!
Chicken Peter: I thought Elf was by New Line Cinema.
THE MONKEY: Which was bought out by Warner Bros. in 2008…
Chicken Johnny: Stupid Warner Bros…. Stupid fucking movies….
Denny: So what happens next in the story?
Chicken Mark: You already know, Denny…
Denny: Well we’re in no rush.
Chicken Mark: Actually I gotta go see Lisa- I mean, Lena, in a little bit to make out with her.
Chicken Johnny: Is that your new girl, Mark?
Chicken Mark: I- so anyway, the story?
Chicken Johnny: Oh yah. So Papa Elf raised me as an elf at the North Pole for many years. And throughout my whole childhood, I didn’t even know I was human! Hahaha! Until…
[More flashbacks. Cut back to everyone in the coffee shop.]
Chris Chan: So then what?
Chicken Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story. When I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 cheque which I could not cash.
Chicken Mark: Why not?
Chicken Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank.
[Flashbacks. Cut back to the coffee shop.]
Chicken Johnny: Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, Lisa was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.
Chris Chan: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?
Chicken Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.
Chris Chan: What? No tips from your job?
Chicken Johnny: Whatever. So yeah, that’s the story basically.
Chicken Mark: Hahaha! What a Christmas story, Johnny!
Chicken Peter: Yeah, you can say that again.
Chicken Mark: Actually….. I think I feel a song coming on…….
[The opening notes of “Fairytale of New York” start playing.]
Chicken Mark: It was Christmassss Eeeeeeeve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you
Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true
[Instrumental]
Chicken Peter: They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome
THE MONKEY: You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day
Chicken Peter: You're a bum
THE MONKEY: You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
Chicken Peter: You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy straggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day
[Instrumental]
Chris Chan: I could have been someone
Denny: Well so could anyone
Chicken Johnny: You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
Susan: I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
All: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day
[HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
== 2024 ==
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show Short 5: Song Seekers [March 22, 2024] {ChatGPT} ===
[The scene opens in Bikini Bottom, where SpongeBob and Squidward are on a romantic stroll along Jellyfish Fields.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, darling, what on earth are you humming?
SpongeBob: Oh, Squiddy! I'm trying to find this song I heard a while back. It's called "Everyone Knows That (Ulterior Motives)." It's so catchy!
Squidward: "Everyone Knows That (Ulterior Motives)"? I've never heard of it, my love.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's amazing, Squidward! It goes like, "doo-doo-doo-doo, everyone knows that, ulterior motives..." Oh, it's just so... so... [sighs dreamily]
Squidward: [smirking] Sounds enchanting. Good luck with that, my dear SpongeBob.
[SpongeBob's determination intensifies. He and Squidward set off on a quest across Bikini Bottom to find the elusive song. They visit music stores, ask their friends, and even consult the Jellyfish Fields choir, but to no avail. Every attempt leaves them more frustrated and confused.]
SpongeBob: [sighs] I just can't find it anywhere, Squidward. It's like it vanished into thin air!
Squidward: Perhaps it's not meant to be found, my sweet SpongeBob. Not everything needs to be discovered.
[SpongeBob looks crestfallen, but then he suddenly perks up with realization.]
SpongeBob: You know what, Squiddy? Maybe you're right. Maybe the real "Everyone Knows That (Ulterior Motives)" isn't a song at all. Maybe it's the friends we've made along the way!
Squidward: [raising an eyebrow] Friends? What friends?
[SpongeBob ignores Squidward's sarcasm and starts to reflect on their journey. Scenes from their search play back in his mind, featuring moments with Daddy Pig, Sandy, and even Scott the Woz.]
SpongeBob: [smiling] All this time, I've been so focused on finding a song that I forgot about the true treasures in my life - our friends! They've always been there for us, supporting us through thick and thin.
[SpongeBob and Squidward share a loving gaze, reaffirming their bond. The scene transitions to SpongeBob and Squidward reuniting with their friends at Jellyfish Fields, where they're having a picnic.]
SpongeBob: Hey, guys! I may not have found "Everyone Knows That (Ulterior Motives)," but I did find something even better - the joy of friendship!
Daddy Pig: Oh, SpongeBob, you're making me snort with joy!
Sandy: That's mighty sweet of ya, SpongeBob.
Scott the Woz: Well, SpongeBob, I gotta say, friendship is the ultimate game to play!
[SpongeBob and Squidward join their friends, feeling happier than ever. The camera pans out as they laugh and enjoy each other's company, highlighting the true meaning of friendship.]
[End scene.]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E10: SquidBob 2 [April 10, 2024] {thatjess} ===
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab at night. SpongeBob turns the “OPEN” sign on the door around so it reads “CLOSED”.]
SpongeBob: (sighs) The worst time of the day… closing time. And tomorrow The Krusty Krab is closed…….
[Squidward is on the other side of the room mopping.]
Squidward: Honey, you need to take breaks every once in a while. Being manager has been making you stressed as fuck. You deserve to take a break, okay?
SpongeBob: I guess… 
[Squidward starts nervously fidgeting. He takes a deep breath and then starts walking closer to SpongeBob.]
Squidward: You know babe… I was actually wondering, um…
SpongeBob: Yuh?
Squidward: Since we’re like… you know… boyfriends, heh… and we’ve been boyfriends for a good few months now… maybe we could- I mean, I was wondering if you’d be interested in- I- we-
[Pause.]
Squidward: Do you want to, um… go on a date with me? Maybe? It’s- It’s fine if you’re not interested, I just-
[SpongeBob kisses Squidward on the cheek.]
SpongeBob: I’d like that… I’d really like that. A lot, actually.
[The two hug.]
Squidward: (blushing) Oh, wow…… you’re so warm…
SpongeBob: What did you have in mind? For our… (he tickles Squidward’s nose) date, I mean.
Squidward: I- (he giggles as he continues to be tickled) Stop! You’re too much!
[SpongeBob stops tickling him.]
Squidward: I- …it’s a surprise. Just meet me tomorrow morning. I think you’ll like it.
SpongeBob: Like you like being tickled?
[Squidward’s face basically looks like a tomato at this point.]
Squidward: I DO NOT LIKE BEING TICKLED!
[SpongeBob starts tickling Squidward again.]
SpongeBob: Are you sure about that…?
Squidward: AAAA! YOU’VE FOUND MY WEAKNESS! STOP!
SpongeBob: But I love making you squirm like this!
Squidward: (giggling) AAAA-
[Bubble transition to Squidward driving SpongeBob somewhere the next day.]
SpongeBob: Ooh! I love this new car of yours, Squidward. It’s so comfy.
Squidward: Heh, thanks. It’s okay I guess. I’m not really a car guy.
SpongeBob: Oh, pfffft. Me neither. It’s such a boring special interest people have.
Squidward: I know, right?! Why can’t you just hyperfixate on something cool like bubble blowing or something?!
SpongeBob: …Y- Y- You… you really think bubble blowing is cool…?
Squidward: I think you’re cool, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I’m not that cool…
[The car passes a sign reading-]
SpongeBob: “GLOVE UNIVERSE NEXT RIGHT?!” OH MY TALKING BEN! SQUIDWARD! ARE WE REALLY-
Squidward: I told you you’d like it. 
[The car drives through the gates of the theme park and Squidward parks the car. Cut to the two approaching the theme park’s entrance.]
SpongeBob: I haven’t actually been here in ages. Or been anywhere in ages, now that I think about it. It’s been kinda boring since Daddy Pig moved back with his wife ages ago.
Squidward: I thought you had your cousin Stanley and Uncle Pig living with you now.
SpongeBob: Oh, they bought an apartment in New Kelp City between the last episode and this one. It’s been a really long hiatus.
[They approach the ticket stand. A familiar face is behind the booth.]
Pampers: Tickets?
Squidward: Oh, right. Lemme just get my phone out.
[Squidward rummages through his belongings for his phone with the tickets on. SpongeBob looks at the guy behind the ticket stand.]
SpongeBob: Hey… aren’t you like the president of somewhere or something? Some really weird obscure country I think, unless I’m wrong. I wanna say… Molvanîa? Yerba? Hungary?
Pampers: Hungary’s not a real country. But yeah, I was president of Original Island. Until the WOKE LIBERAL MEDIA CANCELLED ME! MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THOSE MEN HAS ALWAYS BEEN-
[There is a noticeable jumpcut in the episode.]
Pampers: -CONSENSUAL! 
Squidward: I found the tickets!
[Pampers scans the tickets and the gate opens.]
Pampers: (fake smiling) Enjoy your visit!
SpongeBob: You too!
[SpongeBob and Squidward walk through the gates.]
Pampers: (mimicking SpongeBob) You too! 
[An alarm goes off on Pampers’ phone.]
Pampers: Yo, quitting time! Now I can catch up on my car repair videos.
[SpongeBob and Squidward enter Glove Universe. SpongeBob's eyes widen with excitement as he takes in the sights and sounds of the park. Squidward’s legs start twitching.]
SpongeBob: You okay, babe?
Squidward: Yeah, I just… didn’t realise there’d be so many people.
SpongeBob: Anxiety, I get it. You wanna hold hands?
Squidward: I… I’d- yeah.
[The two grasp each others hands.]
Squidward: (blushing) Thanks. Your hands are so soft and squidgy. 
[Pause.]
Squidward: Sorry, was that weird?
SpongeBob: I like weird.
[SpongeBob starts running off, dragging Squidward by his hand with him.]
SpongeBob: Come on! The queue for Glove Mountain seems really short!
[Cut to the two queuing to ride the rollercoaster.]
Squidward: Twenty minutes?! I thought you said the wait was short.
SpongeBob: This is short for Glove Mountain. I- We- We don’t have to wait if you don’t want to.
Squidward: It’s okay, I don’t mind. I promise.
Title card: Twenty minutes later…
[Cut to further ahead in the queue. SpongeBob and Squidward are at the front now.]
Employee: Alright, you two lovebirds are next.
SpongeBob: (autism creature voice) Yippee!!
[SpongeBob and Squidward climb into the cart.]
SpongeBob: You comfy?
Squidward: I guess… 
[The employee pulls a lever and the rollercoaster cart starts going along the tracks.]
Squidward: Ew, someone left a bag of chips in the cart. Who eats food on a rollercoaster?
SpongeBob: I dunno.
[The two ride the rollercoaster for the bit. The reach the bit just before the end and the cart starts going up a steep section.]
Squidward: Huh… we’re pretty high now, pookie.
SpongeBob: Ooh-ooh! The drop here is my favourite part!
Squidward: (gulps) …drop?
[The two reach the peak of the hill.]
SpongeBob: Woah… you can see the whole park from up here! Isn’t this great, Squid- 
[SpongeBob looks over in concern at Squidward, who is now bright green.]
SpongeBob: …Squidward?
[The rollercoaster cart drops down the hill. Squidward barfs all over the cart. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward sat down at a restaurant area of the park looking at a picture of the two on the rollercoaster and Squidward puking everywhere.]
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have made you go on there.
Squidward: No, no, it’s completely my fault. I should have told you heights made me queasy. I just wanted to see you happy…
SpongeBob: Just try to take it easy now, hm?
Squidward: I’ll try…
[The two kiss.]
Squidward: Um… that probably wasn’t the best idea considering I’ve just thrown up.
SpongeBob: I don’t care. I love kissing you and your soft delicate little lips.
[Cut to the two walking around the park. They come across an alley with carnival games and stalls and stuff.]
Squidward: Ooh! I know! How about I make it up to you for the whole puking on you thing by winning a stuffed animal or something? Huh, huh?!
SpongeBob: You really don’t have to do that.
Squidward: I want to though, You’re my boyfriend.
[They find one of those tin can games.]
Carny: Step right up, step right up! Throw the ball, knock down all the tin cans and win a plushie!
[Pan up to the rack of stuffed animals up for grabs. One of them is a massive Hello Kitty.]
SpongeBob: OOH! LOOK AT THE HELLO KITTY!
[SpongeBob tugs on Squidward’s shirt.]
SpongeBob: I NEEEED IT!!!
Squidward: I thought you said you didn’t want me to win you anything.
SpongeBob: THAT WAS IN THE PAST, I’M A CHANGED MAN! AND I NEEEEEED THAT HELLO KITTY!!
Squidward: Okay, okay! I’ll win you the Hello Kitty.
Carny: That’ll be one dollar per play.
Squidward: ONE DOLLAR?!
SpongeBob: What, are you Mr. Krabs now? Rest in peace.
Squidward: Ugh… the things I do for love.
[Squidward hands over a dollar and the carny hands him a baseball.]
Squidward: Okay, deep breaths, Squiddy, deep breaths…
[Squidward takes a deep breath and throws the ball at the tin cans. He misses.]
Carny: Ougfgh… Weak shot, bud. Better luck next time.
SpongeBob: It’s okay, Squidward. You did your best.
[Squidward slams down another dollar on the counter.]
Squidward: I am winning you that Hello Kitty…
[The carny takes the dollar and hands Squidward another baseball.]
Carny: Woah-ho-ho! Someone’s an eager beaver.
[Pan over to a very insecure beaver roaming the park.]
Beaver: OH COME ON! CAN’T I GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT PEOPLE COMMENTING ON HOW I LOOK?!
[The beaver angrily storms off.]
Squidward: …uh… anyways…
[Squidward takes the baseball and prepares to take aim.]
SpongeBob: You got this, babe!
[Squidward takes another deep breath.]
Squidward: Okay… here goes nothing.
[Squidward gets into position and aims to throw the ball.]
SpongeBob: You can do it!
[Squidward throws the ball towards the tin cans and… it bounces off the wall and back towards SpongeBob, hitting him in the eye.]
SpongeBob: GAH!
[SpongeBob covers his eye.]
Squidward: BABY!
[Squidward hugs SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: It hurts…
Squidward: You okay?
[SpongeBob takes his hand off his eye.]
SpongeBob: Is it swollen?
[He has a black eye.]
Squidward: I… um… I can… let’s go get you some ice!
[Squidward holds SpongeBob as they rush off to get some ice.]
Carny: …I swear I saw this shit on Gravity Falls once.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward sat at the same restaurant area again. SpongeBob is holding an ice pack over his eye.]
Squidward: I’m really sorry, SpongeBob…
SpongeBob: It’s okay. That stuffed Hello Kitty looked stupid anyway…
Squidward: But you said you really wanted it…
SpongeBob: Well… you said you wanted to win me something so I just kinda… yuh…
Squidward: Oh…
[Pause.]
Squidward: I’m really fucking sorry. I messed up big time.
SpongeBob: …hey, it’s not your fault.
Squidward: It literally is though! I puked all over you then gave you a black eye… I’m the worst boyfriend ever. I wanted to make this a special day for you and now the memory is completely ruined forever and it’s all because of me…
[Tears start falling from Squidward’s face; SpongeBob hugs Squidward.]
SpongeBob: Hey… hey, baby… don’t say that… I’ve loved today…
Squidward: …y-you have?
SpongeBob: Yes, stupid!
Squidward: …e-even though I puked on you and then gave you a black eye?
SpongeBob: Even though you puked on me and gave me a black eye.
[Pause.]
Squidward: But… but why??? I mean… all I’ve done today is a nuisance. 
SpongeBob: You haven’t been a nuisance at all, silly! Squidward, I fucking love spending time with you no matter what we’re doing. I just want to be with you, you know? You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever dated.
Squidward: I’m the only guy you’ve ever dated.
SpongeBob: That doesn’t make my statement any less valid. 
Squidward: Well… I’m glad, I guess.
SpongeBob: The only other person I’ve dated is Sandy and I like Sandy as a friend but she made me feel like nothing compared to what I feel when I’m with you. …I think maybe I only agreed to go out with her because she liked me and I guess I thought I liked her that way too and we’re both trans so, you know the safety aspect was nice I think.
Squidward: Huh. I didn’t know you were trans.
SpongeBob: Oh. Heh, have I not brought it up before?
Squidward: I don’t even know.
[Pause.]
Squidward: So are you like… transfem or-
SpongeBob: Transmasc. But I’d see why you’d think that.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …so, you’re like… cool with it?
Squidward: Why wouldn’t I be? I love you. …also, um, this isn’t really the same thing but I’m bi so, you know, I’m queer too.
SpongeBob: You’re dating a man, I already knew you were queer.
Squidward: …oh.
[Pause.]
Squidward: …this is awkward.
SpongeBob: Yeah… so… what now?
Squidward: SpongeBob…?
SpongeBob: Yuh.
Squidward: I was gonna save this for the right moment but I feel so happy to be with you right now…
[Squidward takes a deep breath.]
Squidward: I know this isn’t the most romantic way anyone has ever done this, but… SpongeBob…?
SpongeBob: Hm?
[Squidward gets down on one knee and pulls out a ring.]
Squidward: SpongeBob SquarePants, will you marry me?
SpongeBob: PFFFFFFFT! SQUID-
Squidward: Wh- what’s funny? Why are you laughing?
SpongeBob: Oh no no no! I’m not laughing at you, I’m just- of course I’ll marry you, you big dummy!
[SpongeBob rushes into Squidward’s arms and they hug once again.]
Squidward: For real?
SpongeBob: Yes, for real!
Squidward: So you’re gonna be my husband now?
SpongeBob: I’m gonna be your husband now!
Squidward: HE’S GONNA BE MY HUSBAND NOW!
SpongeBob: AND YOU’RE GONNA BE MY HUSBAND NOW!
Squidward: I’M SO HAPPY I CAN’T BREATHE!
[The camera pans out and the credits roll; post-credits scene: Pampers is on break watching something on his phone.]
Pampers: Man I love this show.
Announcer: (on phone) Did you know you can fix your car’s transmission in under three months?!
Pampers: No!
[To be continued…]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E11: Fixing Good [2024] {MrDaGuy} ===
Balter Black teams up with Sitowitz to kill Daddy Pig.
=== (S) Logan & Drake: [June 21, 2024] {ChatGPT} ===
In "Logan & Drake," the unlikely duo of YouTube star Logan Thirtyacre and music sensation Drake find themselves thrust together on an unexpected road trip adventure.
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E12: Boris Johnson Strikes Back [2024] {thatjess} ===
[“Behind Blue Eyes” by Limp Bizkit plays as the episode begins. We see an establishing shot of Boris Johnson’s £4 million moated mansion in Oxfordshire. Cut to Boris’ bedroom, where he lies awake atop his bedsheets, his blonde hair even more messy and unkempt than usual.]
Fred Durst: (off-screen) No one knows what it’s like
To be the Boris
To be the Johnson
Behind Tory eyes
[Boris sits himself up, yawns, and begins getting dressed for the day, his miniscule uncircumcised penis on full display. He puts on some denim booty shorts and a green crop top with the logo for the Charli XCX album Brat on it.]
And no one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated to only telling lies
[Boris brushes his teeth with Aquafresh (ew), and then heads downstairs into the kitchen where his devoted partner in both crime and marriage, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is cooking pancakes for him. Limp Bizkit fades into the background.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Hubby! You’re awake!
[Jacob rushes over to embrace Boris, but Boris pushes him away.]
Boris Johnson: Sorry, my scrunkly, I’m just really not in the mood today.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh no… what’s wrong, sweetie? You can tell me anything.
Boris Johnson: I just have the feeling that something terrible is going to happen today.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Could I interest you in a cup of tea?
[Boris’ mood suddenly perks up.]
Boris Johnson: I-In my Cadbury’s Mini Eggs mug?~
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Already ahead of you.
Boris Johnson: (sigh of relief) You know me so well, darling.~
[The two share a passionate kiss that would put even the gayest yaoi to shame. Jacob Rees-Mogg begins making up a cup of tea for his husband, who grabs a remote and turns on the kitchen TV.]
Justin Fletcher: (on TV) Now let’s see what’s inside Mr. Tumble’s spotty bag!
Boris Johnson: (rubbing his hands together) Alright! Mr. Tumble’s spotty bag!
[Jacob Rees-Mogg gives Boris a deadpan glare.]
Boris Johnson: (clears throat) I mean, ahem, let’s see what’s on the news.
[Boris grabs the remote and switches the channel to the GB News breakfast show.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) -but first, it’s the news headlines.
[Pause.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) NO IT’S NOT, WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ME! THIS IS BREAKING NEWS! IT’S FAST! IT’S HAPPENING!
[Jacob passes Boris his coffee.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Here you go, my precious baby boy.
[The two kiss again and Boris starts drinking his coffee.]
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) THIS JUST IN - PEPPA PIG WORLD HAS LEGALISED TRANS RIGHTS!
[Boris spits out his coffee.]
Boris Johnson: WHAT THE FUCK
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) Reports are emerging that mayor of Peppa Pig World, George Pig, elected in July of 2023, has just signed a bill to give transgender individuals basic human rights.
Boris Johnson: (Steven from The Room voice) How can they do this?!
Stephen Dixon: (on TV) We go live to Peppa Pig World with a world exclusive interview from mayor George Pig’s personal assistant, translator and father, Daddy Pig.
[Cut to another reporter interviewing Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! Well I am a bit of an expert of trans rights.
Peppa: (off-screen) You used to be incredibly transphobic, daddy.
Daddy Pig: Well, erm… yeah, but you have to understand that was all in the past! I’ve had loads of character development and now I’m a changed man, Peppa! I’m so PC now I might as well change my name to Woke-y Pig! (snorts)
Peppa: (off-screen) Why are you like this?
Daddy Pig: I guess the New Norm really ain’t the same as the old norm…
[Cut back to Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg watching the news report in their house.]
Boris Johnson: This is blasphemy! Can they really just do that?! Give in to those gosh darn [motor vehicles]?!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Yeah! Those gender critical scum don’t deserve rights!
Boris Johnson: Well yeah, but also I meant just like from a legal standpoint can they really just do that? I didn’t think cities could just pass their own laws independently from the rest of the country.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, even if they can, it’s still bang out of order.
Boris Johnson: TRUE! (crosses arms) I hate that stupid pig. First he gets me arrested for murdering Suzy Sheep, then he saves the world from the Suzy Sheep apocalypse,As depicted in The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie. and then his bloody no-good autistic son becomes mayor of Peppa Pig World,As depicted in Mayor George. the greatest place on Earth, instead of me! The fucking audacity!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh well, it’s not like we can do anything about it. I really do hate to say it but George won the mayoral election against you fair and square.
Boris Johnson: He’s a fucking baby! He can’t even speak full sentences! Peppa Pig World is supposed to be very much MY kind of place, and he’s running around handing out silly things like “basic human rights” like Oprah Winfrey gives away cars! We need to do something, hubby.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Like what?
Boris Johnson: We do a coup d'état.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: (flustered) Oh my… this early in the morning?
Boris Johnson: what
Jacob Rees-Mogg: what
Boris Johnson: I’m talking about overthrowing George Pig and taking Peppa Pig World for mysel- ourselves!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, that’s kinda kinky too. But it’s impossible, sir! We can’t just overthrow the place with just the two of us!
Boris Johnson: We’re not going to, you eejit! Luckily I have some contacts that I believe should prove useful.
[Cut to Uganda.]
VJ Emmie: (off-screen, laughs) From Wakaliwood, Nateete, VJ Emmie on the microphone!
[We see the Tiger Mafia headquarters.]
VJ Emmie: (off-screen) Tiger Mafia! Uganda’s deadliest gang!
[Cut to a member of the mafia relaxing in an armchair.]
VJ Emmie: Richard! Leader of the Tiger Mafia!
Richard: (singing softly) You’re counting all the sheep in the skyyyyyy, caught up in a world of liiieeesssss-
[The phone starts ringing.]
Richard: (answers) Hello? Tiger Mafia? Uganda’s deadliest gang?
[The screen splits, revealing Boris Johnson on the other end.]
Boris Johnson: Ayo Richard, it’s your brother Boris.
Richard: …who?
Boris Johnson: Boris…Johnson?
[Pause.]
Richard: I have no idea who you are.
Boris Johnson: I used to be prime minister of the UK? I…I shot Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Look, I met you on my holidays once and you said if I ever needed the mafia to have my back to just give you a call.
Richard: …aaaah! You’re the blondie with the stupid haircut!
Boris Johnson: …yeah, sure, that’s me. Now can you help me or what?
Richard: For the right price, the Tiger Mafia will help anyone.
Boris Johnson: Pfffft, I’m Boris Johnson! Money ain’t a problem for me.
Richard: Good, good.
Boris Johnson: Just bring as many of you as possible, as soon as possible. 
Richard: …wait… you want us to come to the UK? That… might be a problem.
Boris Johnson: How so?
Richard: We’re the mafia, bruv. We can’t really get through security. Also we’re broke.
Boris Johnson: Ah…
Richard: You can just get your government to help us, right?
Boris Johnson: I mean… (sighs) I’m gonna be honest, I don’t particularly have the best relations with those at the top of the food chain right now. But I can try. What exactly are you after?
Richard: Just jets to pick us all up discreetly without drawing too much attention. And the police can’t know.
Boris Johnson: (gulps) I’ll try my best.
[Cut to Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg outside 10 Downing Street with a tray of tea. Boris rings the doorbell.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I don’t think this is going to work.
Boris Johnson: Trust the process, baby. It’ll be fine.
[Rishi Sunak answers the door.]
Boris Johnson: Afternoon, dear old chum! Could I interest you in a cup of tea-
Rishi Sunak: No!
Boris Johnson: Just one cup of-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Come on, ju-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Bu-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: Pl-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: I-
Rishi Sunak: No.
Boris Johnson: P-
Rishi Sunak: I know you’re only here because you want something.
Boris Johnson: Come on! When have I ever been selfish?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Apart from all those times in the past, I mean. I swear, from the bottom of my heart, I am here right now purely because I think you could use a cup of tea in a Cadbury’s Mini Eggs mug.
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: And also because I want you to help get the Tiger Mafia into the country so we can overthrow Peppa Pig World.
Rishi Sunak: Ah, and there it is.
Boris Johnson: Please, Rishi! You’re my only hope! I need to take back Peppa Pig World!
Rishi Sunak: I don’t have time for this. I’m very busy right now funding a genocide and trying to give this country the strictest laws on smoking in the world.
[Note: this is true.]
Boris Johnson: Come on! Give me chance!
Rishi Sunak: No, I will not “give you chance”. 
Boris Johnson: But they support trans rights!
Rishi Sunak: You have my undying support. I will help in any way I can.
Boris Johnson: (Mr. Burns voice) Excellent.
[Cut to The Krusty Krab because fun fact: this is actually a SpongeBob show. The Pig Family enter.]
Daddy Pig: Afternoon, Krusty Krew!
SpongeBob: Yo, Daddy Pig! Wassup!
[The two embrace.]
SpongeBob: Congrats on the legislation, me and Squidward saw it on the news.
Squidward: I’m so happy that people like my fiancé can finally feel safe in Peppa Pig World.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob is transgender.
[SpongeBob and Squidward kiss.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Also SpongeBob and Squidward are engaged.As depicted in SquidBob 2.
Daddy Pig: Thanks guys. I mean, it was all Mayor George’s idea really.
George: Liberal! Liberal!
Mummy Pig: That’s right, son! You’re a liberal!
Squidward: I take it you guys want the usuals?
Daddy Pig: Actually, we had some Chick-fil-A on the way here.
SpongeBob: Ch-Chick-fil-A?
Peppa: It was yummy!
SpongeBob: Y-you… you realise the irony in having Chick-fil-A after… you know what, nevermind. What are you here for then?
Mummy Pig: Oh, we just wanted to see you about something.
SpongeBob: Oh. Is it…urgent?
Mummy Pig: Not really. It’s just… important to us…
SpongeBob: Oh okay. Shoot away then.
Bubble Bass: Hey, I’m kinda waiting on my order here…
Squidward: CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE?!
Bubble Bass: But I want food…
Squidward: AND I WANT TO WIN A TONY AWARD BUT WE CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT, CAN WE?!
[Squidward clears his throat.]
Squidward: Sorry, what did you wanna see us about?
Daddy Pig: Well, erm… you see… you know how you two are getting married soon?
Mummy Pig: We were kinda wondering if maybe… we could get married with you?
[SpongeBob and Squidward exchange looks with each other.]
SpongeBob: You… heh, (nervous laugh) sorry I’m just kinda taken aback here. You… wanna get married WITH us?
Squidward: Don’t worry, babe, let me handle this. Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig, we’re flattered that you feel this way but sadly SpongeBob and I are strictly monogamous. 
Daddy Pig: Mongo… what now?!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like SpongeBob and Squidward think Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig want to start a polycule!
Daddy Pig: I… don’t know what that means either. I know I’m woke now but I’m still old and don’t understand concepts that are valid and cool but break away from societal norms.
Mummy Pig: What we mean is… Daddy Pig and I just want to renew our vows now that we’ve been back together for a long while. 
Daddy Pig: And we were hoping you wouldn’t mind making your wedding…a double wedding? 
Mummy Pig: We’d help pitch in the extra money of course.
Squidward: A double wedding?!
SpongeBob: That sounds… AWESOME! OF COURSE YOU CAN GET MARRIED WITH US!
Mummy Pig: Oh my Talking Ben, that’s such a relief!
SpongeBob: If you’re okay with it, Squidward, of course.
Squidward: Yeah sure why not.
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob and Squidward and Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are going to have a double wedding!
All: Hooray!
Bubble Bass: That’s cool and all, but like can I have my food now?
Squidward: oh right yeah of course
[Cut to Jacob Rees-Mogg driving Boris and Rishi in his vintage Bentleys car. The three are listening and singing along to "MURDER EVERY 1 U KNOW!" By Femtanyl.]
Boris and Rishi: SUICIDE NO DON’T YOU LET ME GO 
Jacob Rees-Mogg: WHAT THE FUCK
Boris and Rishi: SNAP MY NECK AND THEN JUST WATCH ME GLOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: LET ME GO
Boris and Rishi: ENTROPY I LET THE WATER FLOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: LET THE WATER FLOW 
Boris and Rishi: GO OUT AND MURDER EVERYONE YOU KNOW
Jacob Rees-Mogg: THREE TWO ONE
All: AY FUCK THAT
Boris Johnson: I GO THROUGH YOU LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING ROUGH PATCH
Rishi Sunak: I TAKE MY E AND THINK ABOUT MY SETBACKS
Jacob Rees-Mogg: TAKE IT EASY ON ME DO NOT ASK ME FOR MY BUS PASS
Rishi Sunak: NIGHTCORE BECAME SPED UP EITHER WAY I MAKE A BIG BAG
[They pull up at the parking lot of a private airport.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: This the place?
Rishi Sunak: You’re asking that after parking the car here?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Is…is it not the place?
Rishi Sunak: Yuh, it’s the place. Where we get people in and out of the country discreetly. …it’s also where we deport people seeking asylum to fucking Rwanda. 
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Based.
Boris Johnson: Now the Tiger Mafia should be-
V.J. Emmie: (signature laugh)
[The camera pans over to the Tiger Mafia walking towards the car.]
V.J. Emmie: Tiger Mafia! They walk slow… because they think slow.
Rishi Sunak: Oh great, they have their own version of the narrator in Peppa Pig World.
Richard: Mate, don’t diss V.J. Emmie like that. 
[Boris Johnson gets out of the car.]
Boris Johnson: Richard!
Richard: Plump British man!
[The two embrace.]
Boris Johnson: Wow, there’s… more of you than I thought there would be.
Richard: Yeah yeah yeah, we’re getting the big stacks for this, right?
Boris Johnson: Of course, of course! Once Peppa Pig World is mine- ours, the money is yours.
Richard: (the king from Ben and Holly voice) Splendid!
Rishi Sunak: Hey cigarettes! I don’t wanna interrupt anything here, but I’m just thinking out loud and… what actually is our plan here?
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab at night. SpongeBob is carrying a large black bag of trash to the dumpster. He is singing "Pink Panther" by Scene Queen.]
SpongeBob: Please don’t call I need another hour, three more girls are piling in the shower, don’t call you know I can’t answer, getting pussy like pink panthe-
V.J. Emmie: MOVIE MOVIE MOVIE! MOVIE!
SpongeBob: Huh?
[A swarm of Tiger Mafia goons run towards SpongeBob and throw a sack over his head.]
SpongeBob: WHAT THE-
V.J. Emmie: THE MOVIE IS ON! THE MOVIE IS ON!
SpongeBob: HEY WHAT’S GOING ON?!
[They throw SpongeBob in the back of a truck and jump in with him.]
SpongeBob: SQUIDWARD!!! SQUIDWARD! HELP!
[The doors of the truck close as the vehicle drives off.]
SpongeBob: HELPPPPP!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!
[Squidward comes rushing out of the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: Sponge- oh good Talking Ben…
[To be continued…]
=== (S) The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show S5E13: The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Series Finale [2024] {thatjess} ===
In the action-packed final episode of the show, Daddy Pig must assemble a dream team of heroes from across the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe to save SpongeBob, who is being held hostage by Boris Johnson and the Tiger Mafia in exchange for control of Peppa Pig World.
= Post-Daddy Pig Era =
Press expand if you want to read this section.
== 2024 ==
=== (S) SpongeBob's Café [2024] {Zoltan40} ===
#SpongeBob's Boob Job - SpongeBob starts a café so he can buy a Tesla.
#Here Comes Chef Pee Pee - SpongeBob hires Chef Pee Pee because why not.
#Hell's Café - visits the café.
#Fire - The café burns down. The end.
=== (S) Chicken Peter S1E5: Kentucky Fried Chicken Peter [2024] {thatjess} ===
Chicken Peter gets a job working at KFC with Chicken Steven. The manager has sinister intentions for them.
=== (S) Sexist SpongeBob S1E10: SpongeBin Wipes 90% of the Female Population Off the Face of the Earth [2024] {Zoltan40} ===
After 3 years of being in prison, SpongeBin breaks out and wipes 90% of the female population off the face of the Earth.
== 2025 ==
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E7: My child is a time traveler. (Opening) [2025] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode opens with a flashback to the Full Server house. Zoltan is moving out]
Zoltan: Well, I think I have everything packed.
Paige: I can’t believe you’re leaving forever.
Zoltan: It’s just that, I feel like I should move to a bigger place. I love you guys but, this house isn’t really fit for me.
Prim: I would say I’ll miss you, but really I won’t.
Jess: Wait, what happens to your children now?
Zoltan: Right, I have children. Well Paige can keep Elmo 5 and Faggy Waggy.
Paige: Let’s go!
[Jarvis Zagna walks out of the shower with his child CartoonGuy; applause]
Zoltan: Jarvis Zagna? You’re still here?
Jarvis: I just had to take one last shower with my son.
Zoltan: Of course.
Jarvis: So you’re leaving…
Zoltan: Yeah…
Jarvis: You know, if you want to, maybe one day I can visit you again.
Zoltan: Sure.
Pluto: I miss my wife and my son Gary who sadly died in Ukraine on May 7, 2023.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Of course.
Cactus: Bye Zoltan, I’m sad that we will never see eachother again.
Zoltan: You know, when I will have a new child, I will give you to them as a present.
Cactus: What.
Zoltan: Uh, anyway, it’s been a pleasure living with you guys.
Paige: Can you just go already?
Zoltan: Fine. Buh-bye.
[Zoltan walks out with his signature Zoltan walk]
Paige: Thank god. So now what?
[CrazySponge appears out of nowhere]
Crazy: Boo.
Jarvis: Where did that cat come from?
Crazy: Has Zoltan left already?
Paige: He just walked out. But why?
Crazy: I have something in mind…
[Crazy runs out; cut to Zoltan leaving the Full Server house with a suitcase]
Zoltan: My fellow Americans: Four years ago, we launched a great national effort to rebuild our country, to renew its spirit, and to restore the allegiance of this government to its citizens. In short, we embarked on a mission to make America great again— for all Americans. As I conclude my term as the 45th president of-
[Crazy starts running towards Zoltan]
Crazy: Hey Zolt, I think you dropped this.
Zoltan: Hey Crazy, what’s that?
Crazy: Oh it’s just this very epic and cool talisman that definitely doesn’t mess with the space time continuum.
Zoltan: Cool.
[Zoltan grabs the talisman and the space time continuum begins being messed with as Forest of Illusion from Super Mario World begins playing; cut to Zoltan in his apartment with Crazy]
Crazy: What just happened? I certainly did not intend this.
Zoltan: Oh dear, I think that talisman messed with the space time continuum and now we’re in the future.
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E4: My child is illegitimate. (Flashbacks, rest of episode in 2042) [2025] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[Flashback to a young adult Zoltan with long hair in an apartment with Crazy]
Crazy: Why are you keeping me here? I've got things to do.
Zoltan: Stop complaining, you cat.
Crazy: I am not a cat!
Zoltan: Oh well, I just graduated from dentist school, so I need to do something with my life. Luckily, I have a list.
[The list only has one sentence on it, that being "Get some bitches."]
Zoltan: This will be a bit difficult.
Crazy: Why are you keeping me as a dog I never agreed to any of this
Zoltan: Shut it. You stay here, while I get a girlfriend.
Crazy: Well looks like I have the whole house to myself for a while.
[Cut to Zoltan in a café that bares resemblance to the one seen in hit spin-off SpongeBob's Café]
Zoltan: This café sure looks like it's full of WOMEN.
[Everyone is revealed to be a man]
Zoltan: Oh right, 90% of the female population was wiped off the face of the Earth by SpongeBin.
Smooth voiceover: Wow, really building that cinematic universe up.
Zoltan: Why am I hearing voices now?
Waiter: Sir, do you want a drink?
Zoltan: Ew, male waiters?! I only like waiters of the feminine kind. Looks like I’ll be alone forever…
[Zoltan frowns and leaves the café, then gets into his car and returns home, only running over two people]
Crazy: So, how did getting a girl go?
Zoltan: I’m sooo alooone…
Crazy: L + Ratio
Zoltan: Huh? What does that mean?
Crazy: Not important, anyway, as an expert at getting a girlfriend, you should sit in that exact same place for the rest of your life until you find someone to love.
Zoltan: Hm, maybe you are right…
[Cut to 2 months later where Zoltan is still sitting at the café]
Zoltan: Hm, maybe he wasn’t right. You know what, I’m going to leave! I’m never coming back to this place! I will live alone with a dog forever!
[Zoltan gets up and tries to leave, but bumps into a man on his way]
Zoltan: Oh dear, I’m so sor-
[Zoltan looks at the man, who is revealed to be EB]
Zoltan: I’m…so sorry…
EB: It’s quite okay.
Zoltan: I want to marry you and live the rest of my life with you and have 678 children.
EB: Uh… alright…
Zoltan: Er… my name is Zoltan… Auger…
EB: Is that a fake name?
Zoltan: No, it’s just… What’s your name?
EB: EB.
Zoltan: Jeez, and you thought my name was fake!
[Zoltan starts laughing nervously, but quickly stops and looks at EB, worried]
Zoltan: Okay, let’s forget this and never speak to each other ever again.
EB: I agree, we should do that.
[Cut to Zoltan crying at his home]
Zoltan: WHY CAN’T I GET A SINGLE PARTNER…
Crazy: Skill issue.
Zoltan: Why do you sound like a futuristic robot from the year 2076?
Crazy: Uh, anyway, so what happened?
Zoltan: I met this guy called EB, who I was attracted to despite being completely heterosexual. But his attractive head made me nervous and I was about to cry and I made fun of his name and said we should never speak to each other again and I am going to bomb-
Crazy: Slow down there buddy chum pal friend buddy pal chum bud friend fella brother amigo, it’s not that big of a deal. There are plenty of fish in the ocean or whatever.
Zoltan: I know, but he was such a beautiful fish…
Crazy: He sounds like the type of guy to play Roblox as an adult or something.
Zoltan: Well, I vowed to never go to that café again, so… I guess it’s over. I will stay here.
Crazy: Hm, I guess you’re right. Well, I’m gonna do dog stuff in our garden. Stay here crying, please.
Zoltan: Stupid dog I can’t even afford a garden
Crazy: Oh did I say garden I meant… The park. Yeah.
Zoltan: Okay but make sure to not get lost! Wait I don’t even like you why did I say that
[Cut to Crazy outside of the café from earlier, looking at the people inside]
Crazy: Okay, the last time I did this, this was the place… Hm… Only men…this could be it. WAIT! I see him! EB!
[Crazy enters the café, but is kicked out for being a dog]
Crazy: Dang. Wait, I have an idea.
[Crazy grabs his gun and runs inside]
Crazy: Hey guys look at this!
[Crazy shoots everyone except EB brutally]
Crazy: I love America.
EB: What the fuck?
Crazy: Hey EB, wanna hear a joke?
EB: How do you know my na-
Crazy: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a clammy pop?
EB: Uh… I don't know.
Crazy: CLAMETY EIGHT!
[Silence fills the room]
EB: Talk about filler, Patrick!
Crazy: Follow me.
EB: Alright, I mean, if I don’t, you will probably shoot me.
[Crazy takes EB to Zoltan’s place]
Crazy: Okay, we’re here.
Zoltan: WHAT THE-
EB: Wait, aren’t you the guy who I met at that café?
Zoltan: But- but we agreed to never speak to each other again!
Crazy: Zoltan, I think it is time for you to speak with your heart.
Zoltan: EB, I… I… Okay, the last time we met was a little awkward, so… Let’s try again. My name is Zoltan Auger, and I recently moved into this town.
EB: Uh, my name is EB, and I have been living here for… A while.
Zoltan: Okay, do you have any hobbies?
EB: I play Roblox.
Zoltan: Amazing. I mean, amazing! I live with my dog and… that’s pretty much it.
Crazy: See? You’re both losers! You’re perfect for eachother!
Zoltan: I guess…
EB: Well, I suppose we could give it a try.
Crazy: Great!
Zoltan: Wait, why do you want us to meet so badly?
Crazy: Because… I don’t want you to be so pathetic.
Zoltan: Oh that makes sense.
EB: So, do you want to do some stuff together maybe?
Zoltan: What kind of stuff?
EB: Like, a romantic Roblox roleplay or something.
Zoltan: I don’t know, Roblox seems kinda gay.
Crazy: It’s okay Zoltan, it’s obvious you are too.
Zoltan: I AM NOT GAY! I’m just a bit less heterosexual than other people.
EB: Okay then, do you have any other plans?
Zoltan: We could like, go bowling or something?
EB: Gay bowling? Sounds great!
Zoltan: It’s not gay!
[Cut to the three at a bowling game]
Crazy: So do either of you know how to play this game?
Zoltan: Of course!
[Zoltan throws the bowling ball and hits the wall]
Zoltan: Yes! Strike!
[One boring game of bowling later]
EB: Wow Zoltan, you actually somehow managed to win!
Zoltan: Wait, I did?
EB: Yeah! So, how should we celebrate?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I’ve never won in my life before.
EB: Maybe we could get a drink or something?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I’ve never had a drink in my life before.
EB: Really? Well it’s about time!
Zoltan: Okay… I will probably regret this.
EB: Come on, only one drink!
[Zoltan takes a sip of a glass of alcohol; cut to Zoltan and EB being heavily intoxicated on the bowling line thing where they throw the bowling BALLZ]
EB: SO like… Osama do you think that like the twin towers?
Zoltan: Of course like the election definitely rigged.
[A bowling ball is rolled at the two]
EB: OUGH i think that hit my pancreas… Zoltan, if I die right now I want to let you know that this was the best day of my life…
Zoltan: Same… I think I love you…
EB: I love-
Crazy: GET UP YOU DRUNK IDIOTS AND PROCREATE
Zoltan: Why so mean?
Crazy: I need some new workers for my future company- I mean uh because I want you two to be a happy couple.
EB: I think this dog is right, we should probably go home now.
Crazy: Oh finally!
[Cut to Zoltan being in his bed with EB]
EB: Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed.
Zoltan: No problem, but don’t you think that this place is a bit small for the two of us? I was thinking of moving to a bigger place.
EB: Yeah, I think we should live together in a bigger house or something.
Crazy: Can you two ever SHUT UP?
Zoltan: no u stupid dog
[Zoltan throws a brick at Crazy]
EB: So uh… We should probably get to know each other more. What’s the thing you regret the most?
Zoltan: The talisman.
EB: What?
Zoltan: Well there was this talisman that my great-grandfather got and one day I lost it and it caused me to ruin my life on SBFW…
EB: Wait, SBFW? I haven’t heard that name in a while. Anyway, what were you saying?
Zoltan: Um, not important.
EB: Well okay. Also, we should look for a nice house tomorrow.
Zoltan: Alright.
[They are in the bed in silence for a while]
EB: Do you want to make love?
[Cut to morning]
Zoltan: Well that was GREAT!
EB: I agree.
Zoltan: So what was that thing we were talking about earlier?
EB: Looking for a new house?
Zoltan: Oh right.
Crazy: Wait, you guys are moving? I’m a dog! This is my space! I can’t-
[Zoltan throws a brick at Crazy again}
Zoltan: Stupid dog I’m ballin’. Anyways, yes, let’s look for a new house.
[They put Crazy in his cage and pack away their things]
EB: Well, I think we have put everything important away, let’s find a new home.
[Cut to EB and Zoltan looking for various funky houses]
EB: Hey, what about this one?
Zoltan: I don’t know, it looks too bland.
Crazy: HEY! Where am I?
EB: Okay, then, what about that one?
Zoltan: I mean, it’s alright, but it’s not my style.
EB: What about this one? It says there are nightmare neighbors next door.
Zoltan: That could be quite humorous.
Crazy: YES THAT ONE!
EB: Alright then!
[They walk inside the house i don't know how buying houses works]
Zoltan: Yeah, I can see us living here.
Crazy: Excellent…
EB: Well then, I say we can purchase this.
Zoltan: Wait, what about the nightmare neighbors?
EB: Uh… Let’s see.
[They walk outside and see Golf and Aaron doing gardening]
Zoltan: Top of the morning to you, neighbors!
Golf: Hello neighbor!
Aaron: Sup.
Crazy: Oh, it’s the Ken Stringfellow guy.
Aaron: Who’s Ken Stringfellow?
Crazy: oh god oh fuck
Golf: So, what’s you two’s names?
EB: I’m EB the Original Master.
Zoltan: And I am Zoltan Auger.
Golf: These names are great! I’d love to be your neighbor!
Aaron: And so do I!
Zoltan: Oh, and how could I forget, here’s our dog, Crazy!
Crazy: I hate all of you.
[Aaron pats him]
Aaron: Aw, he’s such a nice dog!
Golf: By the way, I’m Golf, and this is my friend Aaron.
Aaron: I am being very productive right now.
Golf: Well, if you guys want anything, I will be inside listening to some music.
EB: This is great! We have a house, neighbors, we have everything!
Zoltan: Exactly.
EB: Okay, bye Golf and Aaron!
[Zoltan and EB walk inside their house with Crazy]
Zoltan: To celebrate, we should have a drink!
EB: Woah, I didn’t know you’d fall in love with alcohol so fast!
Zoltan: Don’t worry, I won’t become a crazed alcoholic.
EB: Alright, just don’t get too carried away.
[Cut to Zoltan lying on the floor drunk]
Zoltan: I didn’t even do the thing. The do that thing thing I didn’t.
EB: Zoltan, you’ve drunk all of our beer! I was planning on keeping that in case of an emergency party or something.
Zoltan: I may have gone a bit overboard, but I didn’t. I was just saying how the presidency fault.
[Aaron enters]
Aaron: Hey guys, I just wanted to tell you that this Stringfellow guy your dog was talking about isn’t that bad.
[Aaron sees Zoltan lying on the floor]
Aaron: Oh, wrong timing.
[Aaron goes back to his house]
EB: Zoltan, you need to stop drinking. It’s only going to get worse if you continue.
Crazy: Yeah, I wanted you to become less of a loser but you just became a bigger one.
Zoltan: Well FUCK YOU guys I can do whatever I please!
EB: *gasp* What did you say?!
Zoltan: I said you guys suck!
EB: That’s it, good luck being alone for the rest of your life.
Crazy: WAIT NO! Uh… It’s just the alcohol, he will stop! I will get him to stop!
EB: Okay, but if he gets drunk like this one more time, I’m leaving.
Crazy: Phew.
[Cut to 9 months later, where Zoltan is bald and looks similar to how he does in the rest of the series]
EB: Zoltan, really? Again? You’ve been doing this every single day for the last 9 months. I was thinking you’d stop drinking when you promised me. I believed it would only last a few days… But the days became weeks… Then the weeks became months… And here we are..
Zoltan: Get out of here you i dont evem like you i never shouldve married you your a WHORE
EB: Zoltan, you are pregnant, if you’re ever gonna stop, then do it now. Please, it’s the only option you have… Our child is going to end up wacky if you continue… Please, if you don’t do it for me, do it for your child.
Zoltan: FUCK YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU, AND I HATE MY CHILD.
[EB breaks down crying]
EB: I just… What happened to the awkward guy I met 9 months ago? Where did he go?
Zoltan: Why are you still here you…
[Zoltan throws a beer bottle at EB]
EB: WHAT THE FUCK. I’m done. Good riddance.
Crazy: NO DON’T GO!
[EB shuts the door]
Crazy: WHAT THE HELL, ZOLTAN?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM! I TRIED TO SAVE YOU! ALL OF MY EFFORT, ONLY FOR YOU TO END UP LIKE THIS!
Zoltan: Stupid dog.
[Zoltan throws a bottle at Crazy]
Crazy: Fuck’s sake bro, now me and EB have to go to the Roblox hospital.
[Crazy goes outside as well, leaving Zoltan alone; cut to Zoltan waking up the next day]
Zoltan: What the, my head hurts like hell. What happened last night?
[Zoltan sees broken beer bottles and blood everywhere]
Zoltan: Oh my god… No…
Crazy: Oh, so you woke up, you human wreckage.
Zoltan: Where is EB? Is he safe? Is he alright?
Crazy: I'm afraid he left you. It seems in your anger, you hurt him.
Zoltan: No, that’s impossible…
Crazy: It is the truth.
Zoltan: Ouch, aw my stomach!
Crazy: And you are also pregnant.
Zoltan: I think I’m going to give birth.
Crazy: Oh no, okay, we need an ambulance! Quick, EB… Oh right, guess I’ll have to call them.
Zoltan: CALL THE AMBULANCE ALREADY
Crazy: OKAY!
[Cut to Zoltan at the hospital with Crazy next to him]
Crazy: Zoltan? Are you awake?
Zoltan: Wh-where am I?
Crazy: You gave birth to your child.
Zoltan: R-really?
Crazy: Yeah, though she still doesn’t have a name.
Zoltan: She? Uh… Well… Maybe, Paige Auger? That sounds nice I guess…
Crazy: Paige Auger? Yeah, that name sucks.
Zoltan: So, where is she?
[Zoltan walks to the Baby Room and sees his child]
Zoltan: Oh my God, this is my child. I need to tell EB.
Crazy: Wait, don’t!
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up]
EB: Zoltan, in case you just woke up, last night I left you for good. It’s just that your drinking has really affected your, mine, Crazy’s, and your future child’s life. I just didn’t want to live with someone like that, especially after you assaulted me. I hope you understand. Goodbye.
Zoltan: Wait… I need to tell you something…
EB: …What is it?
Zoltan: The baby is born.
EB: Oh… Wh-what’s its name?
Zoltan: Her name is Paige.
[EB doesn’t know what to say for a few seconds]
EB: Take good care of her.
[EB hangs up; cut to Zoltan and Crazy arriving home with the baby]
Crazy: Well, Zoltan, do you want to show your baby to your neighbors?
Zoltan: I don’t want to, but I probably should.
[Zoltan opens the neighbors’ door]
Golf: Aaron, ever since you discovered that Ken Stringfellow guy, you have been doing nothing but listening to that damn music! I have been doing all the work around the house! I have been the productive one for months! Do you know what I think? Do you even care about me? Well, I think it’s obvious that music is the enemy of the people! This is what Biden wanted to avoid! I love Biden! Biden! I love productivity! I hate your lifestyle and your love of music! Music is the reason behind all of this! Oh no… I think I’m losing ne sense if balanc… Oh dear… BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN
Aaron: Jeez. I’m getting a cat.
Zoltan: Hey guys!
Golf: BIDEN!
Crazy: Your alcoholic neighbor just gave birth!
Aaron: A child? How is an alcoholic going to raise a baby? Zoltan is probably going to buy a cactus for her or something.
Zoltan: See Crazy, this is why I didn’t want to show them my child. Well anyways, I’m going to drink a few liters of beer.
[Zoltan and Crazy leave]
Golf: BIDEN!
[End of flashback]
== 2026 ==
=== (V) Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary S1E2: Election [April 6, 2026] {Zoltan40} ===
In 2026, Orbán's life is at its lowest point after everything goes wrong for him and he loses the election for being a Benist.
== 2034 ==
=== (V) Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary S1E3: Second Coming [2034] {Zoltan40} ===
In 2034, 20 years after JewWario's suicide, Orbán awaits for his second coming, despite no one believing in him.
== 2036 ==
=== (V) Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary S1E4: Heat Death [2036] {Zoltan40} ===
In 2036, the long prophesized Heat Death of the universe happens, killing everyone who wasn't a true and honest Benist.
== 2041 ==
=== (Z) I hate my child. S1E1: My child is a failure. [October 20, 2041] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, Cheese sauce fan 2007, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway} ===
[The episode starts at Bot’s class]
Mr. Renaud: Alright, kiddies, that concludes our baby-making lesson! Study it for tomorrow, because there’s a test!
Bot: Finally.
Travis: Damn fool, it’s a written test!
Bot: Aw, man. Hey, what’s that noise?
Travis: LIZ!
Smooth voiceover: That damn classturbator at it again. Tut, tut, tut.
[Cuts to the Augers’ house]
Zoltan: (raspy, slurring voice) You have a test for tomorrow? Ha, tough luck! I am too busy writing SpongeBob fanfiction to help you.
Bot: But please!
Zoltan: Nope.
Bot: But-
Zoltan: CHILD CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WRITING FANON SPONGEBOB EPISODES???!!!
Bot: Fine. I will get help from this cactus.
Zoltan: Okay, I don’t really care.
Bot: [walks over to her cactus] Hey, can you give me tips on studying for a test tomorrow?
Cactus: Well, as a cactus, I never went to school. However, when I have to concentrate, I try to think I’m dying in the infamous cacti-human war of 2006 B.C.. So many dead cactuses…..
Bot: Erm, okay. I’m gonna go ask Crazy what he thinks. [she goes to her garden, where Crazy is]
Crazy: Meow, meow, meow.
Bot: Hey Crazy! Do you want to help me study?
Crazy: Meow, I’m a dog. And also 12 years old. 
[a laugh track plays in the background]
Bot: Well yeah, but we sent you to school, right?
Crazy: No.
Bot: I won’t feed you if you don’t at least try to help me.
[Crazy scratches Bot’s face]
Bot: DAD!!!
Zoltan (from the house): What?!
Bot: Crazy isn’t helping me, and he hurt me!
Zoltan (from the house): He’s a cat, you moron.
Crazy: For your information, Sir Auger, I am actually of the CrazySponge genus.
Bot: Didn’t you say you were a dog?
Crazy: o
Bot: Wow, he really is the craziest sponge.
[dead silence]
Bot: Why the hell aren’t you la--
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, doorbell rings and Golf opens it]
Bot: Mr. Pecks, can you help me with my studies?
Golf: No.
Bot: I thought you graduated Harvard.
Golf: Yes.
Bot: Oh, okay, well, can I at least come in?
Golf: Out you go.
Bot: I’m not in yet--
[Door shuts on Bot]
Golf: Bot Auger has been aborted.
Aaron: Whoa, what’s ruffled your flippers today, Golf?
Golf: The enemy of the people has moved downtown.
Aaron: Oh yeah, that new record store.
[Cut to an establishing shot of the new store, the sign on it reads ‘SBFW’]
Smooth voiceover: S-B-F-W. Super Bangin’ Funky Waltz.
[Cuts back to Golf and Aaron’s house]
Golf: Urgh! It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s garden, which Bot has hopped the fence into. Prim is there eating lasagna]
Bot: Hey!
Prim: Meow, what the heck do you want?
Bot: Can you help me study?
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: NO! I am eating lasagna!
Bot: Just tell me tips on how to study while eating!
Prim: Fine! You see, when I have to study, I just eat lasagna, and it helps me study!
Bot: You always eat lasagna, you fat cat! And I have never seen you study.
Prim: Go away, I’m eating lasagna!
Bot: You always eat las-- [gets cut off by Prim]
Prim: You said that already.
Bot: Fine, I’ll leave.
Prim: Wait! Maybe I could give you some lasagna to help you study - IF you give me $100.
Bot: Okay, first of all, does lasagna REALLY help you study?
Prim: Albert Einstein ate lasagna.
Bot: Really?
Prim: Golf told me. It must be true.
Bot: Okay, but why do you need $100?
[Prim gestures towards his lasagna]
Bot: [sighs] Fine. I will steal $100 from my dad!
Smooth voiceover: Man, where did that gal go wrong?
[Cut to Golf’s house. Aaron is reading SAD Magazine with no emotion on his face]
Aaron: [flips page] Hmph.
[Pained screaming heard from upstairs. Aaron lets out a deep sigh and goes upstairs to see Golf]
Aaron: What’s wrong, Golf?
Golf: It’s those darned trolls! 
Aaron: What trolls?
Golf: The entertainment industry.
Aaron: [thinks for a couple seconds] Yup, that checks out. What did they do this time?
[Cut to Golf’s “bedroom” where he is sitting on a single IKEA chair in the middle of the room]
Golf: I keep on hearing people play Satanic rituals outside. I want to burn their small radios.
Aaron: That’s just Drake.
Golf: Yes. Satan.
Aaron: [sighs] Well, okay, just close your windows.
Golf: I cannot do that.
Aaron: And why can you not do that?
Golf: Then I would overheat, and potentially blow up like Benson.
Aaron: We have air conditioning.
Golf: I can’t be getting up to turn on the A/C. That takes time out of my day! UNPRODUCTIVE!
Aaron: Golf, you sit in a deckchair and trade stocks all day. You don’t even come downstairs for food sometimes. 
Golf: That kitchen is the enemy of the people.
Aaron: Why is the--
Golf: There are no vegetables.
Aaron: I didn’t buy any vegetables yesterday but I bought some strawberries, you might like them.
[Golf rushes downstairs. Cut to Bot sneaking into the Auger household]
Zoltan: What are you doing, child?
Bot: Uhh… I’m searching for my… [looks around the house and sees a pen] pen… [looks up to the ceiling] ...icillin.
Zoltan: Your penicillin?
Bot: Yes, my penicillin.
Zoltan: O-kay… [Zoltan walks away and mutters to himself while Bot runs into her bedroom] Man, these kids have got some crazy words for crack these days.
Bot: Here it is! All of my father’s money! Let’s see, 10, 20, 30, uh, I’ll just take all and Prim will count it. 
[Bot grabs the money, opens the window, and jumps from it to Golf and Aaron’s garden]
Prim: Why?
Bot: To show off, duh. Anyways, I have all of my dad’s money, count it. [throws it at Prim]
Prim: I wasn’t made for counting! I was made for eating lasagna! Let’s see here…just $101? Wow, your dad is broke.
Bot: He spent a lot of money on his computer that can run SpongeBob fanfiction at 60 frames per second.
Prim: I don’t really care. Here’s your change. [hands her back a dollar]
Bot: Thank you. Wait a second… that means my dad only has $1 now!
Prim: Yes. Here are your many lasagnas. [gives Bot one crumb of lasagna]
Bot: What? One crumb? Get here, you dirty cat! [chases him to the other side of the garden]
Prim: WOAH! Calm down! My stomach couldn’t wait one more second to eat lasagna!
Bot: [stops] Wait! Maybe Aaron can help.
Prim: Yeah, he’s kind of busy.
[Cut to Aaron sitting still on the sofa listening to Merzbow for a few seconds and cut back to the garden]
Bot: DANG IT! I guess I’ll just have to try to study on my own. But I’ll probably get an F. Wait, I feel like there’s someone near me who can still help me...
CartoonGuy: [appears out of nowhere] ME! ME! I want to be in the episode!
Bot: Nah. [goes back into her house]
Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: The next day...
[Bot is with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in his class]
Bot: Now what? What should I do now?
Travis: Didn’t you study? Ha! I am an expert on this subject, of course.
[A laugh track plays in the background]
Bot: Well, I’m screwed.
Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, we can finally start!
Bot: [sighs] Okay...
Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: Meanwhile...
[Cut to Golf in the kitchen cramming strawberries down his throat at record pace and swiftly writing on a scroll]
Aaron: Man, I haven’t seen you do anything that quick since they made the time for Sunday mass an hour earlier. What are you writing?
Golf: I am not just “writing”. I am filing a complaint.
Aaron: Towards?
Golf: The entertainment industry.
Aaron: [thinks for another couple seconds] Yup, that makes sense.
Golf: I am specifically requesting higher tax rates for the CEOs of that wretched business. 
Aaron: Wow, that’s unlike you. In fact, that’s oddly left-wing of you, Golf.
Golf: I am a true centrist. Whenever I’m in the back garden, I always sit on the fence.
Aaron: Okay, then why do you want higher tax rates for big businesses?
Golf: All music executives should be bankrupt. All musicians for that matter.
Aaron: I was with you until “all musicians.”
Golf: Shut it, troll. You know I’m right about this. You and the rest of Mr. Pineapple’s cronies just refuse to change your Stalinist ways.
Aaron: What about liking music makes me a Stalinist?
[A far-left group is protesting in the neighborhood blasting the anthem of the USSR]
Golf: All (((musicians))) want is control! They want to get their filthy Je- I mean musical hands all over my brain! I won’t let them do it!
Aaron: Hey, what was that part about filthy Je-- 
[Cut to Aaron sitting outside Golf’s house with only his coat]
Smooth voiceover: Man, that Golfpecks is one sly penguin.
Golf: FALSE! I am a banana.
Smooth voiceover: How does he know I’m narrating? Oh, right… he hears voices.
[Cut to Bot with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in the classroom]
Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, here are the grades. 
[Cut to Bot sweating profusely]
Mr. Renaud: First off, Liz. You didn’t answer a single question, and focused on whacking your wallaby the whole time. You get a Z-... but can I get your underwear?
Liz: No.
Mr. Renaud: You are expelled. 
[Liz suddenly vanishes, leaving only white stains on her desk]
Mr. Renaud: Next, Travis. You also get a Z-. You wrote a horrendous story about religion, which I and my good friend Golf Pecks hold very dear to our hearts.
Travis: Blasted buffoon! I bet you write worse stuff about us.
Mr. Renaud: Uh…you are also expelled.
[Travis similarly vanishes]
Mr. Renaud: And finally, Bot…...you were the best!
Bot: YES!
Mr. Renaud: You got an F.
Bot: NO! [starts crying]
Mr. Renaud: Bot, stop crying…it’s not very attractive.
Bot: [sobbing] Please, Mr. Renaud! Let me rewrite it!
Mr. Renaud: No! If you studied instead of playing around with your dog who is also your cat who is also CrazySponge, you could have gotten an A.
Bot: But… [continues crying]
Mr. Renaud: Enough crocodile tears! Go to the Principal’s office!
[Bot gets up, gets out of the classroom, and grins for a second, before starting to cry again and going into the principal’s office]
Spongefan: [yelling viciously, like a drill sergeant] Bot AUGER! What the (obnoxious bleep sound) are you crying about?
Bot: It’s just… .I studied so hard for this test and I got an F… Mr. Renaud sent me here for crying, and I--I--I’m sorry but...
Spongefan: [sarcastically and angrily] Oh, I get you, Bot! It’s not (bleep)ing fair! You poor thing! YOU… [more quietly] you remind me of me… [cheesy generic piano music starts playing] and you get an A+! [starts crying uncontrollably] You can go home.
[Bot stops crying and grins, then leaves the Principal’s office and starts laughing. She leaves the school and we cut to outside the record store where a group of far-left protesters are campaigning against the store opening]
Protesters: [chanting] SBFW is unfair! Kirkburn is in there!
[Golf narrowly makes his way through the protesters to go the store before he gets stopped by a leader]
Protester: [stereotypical 60’s ‘hippie’ voice] Why are you goin’ in here, old man? To buy your vinyl records from the corporate bigwigs causing deep inequality in the divided American society?
Golf: I am not an old man. I am 26. Anyways, my intention is to go in there to send a strongly-worded message to the company owners.
Protester: Hey, did you guys hear that?! He’s about to tell Kirkburn who’s boss!
[Protesters cheer for Golf]
Protester: Hey, what’s your name, dude?
Golf: Golf Pecks.
Protesters: [chanting] GOLF PECKS! GOLF PECKS!
[Golf enters the store and shivers before talking to the girl at the counter]
Shopkeeper: How can I help you?
Golf: I would like to speak to the manager.
Shopkeeper: I’m afraid he’s not here right now. All of the higher-ups are in exile because of the protests.
[The room shakes, shocking Golf]
Golf: What on earth was that?
[Cut to outside where one protester is driving a bulldozer into the store. They are still chanting “GOLF PECKS!”. Golf’s eyes dart, and eventually look onto the Christian Music section, which he guards with his life.]
Protest Leader: Come on, Golf! Don’t wuss out now!
Golf: I need to enter a state of self-reflection. I think I’ve gone insane.
[As Golf finishes his sentence the bulldozer crashes into the store, demolishing it and unleashing metric tonnes of rubble across the road. Golf sticks his head out from the rubble]
Golf: Wait, NOW I CAN’T FILE MY COMPLAINT! At least I got some free Pat Boone out of it.
Smooth voiceover: Mm, Pat Boone. That Jesus freak has got a good-ass taste in music. Debbie could light up my life for sure… if you know what I mean.
[Cut to Bot walking home, ignoring the rubble when suddenly her dad can be heard from far away]
Zoltan (offscreen): Bot! MY MONEY!
Bot: WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN! I--
Zoltan: [runs towards him] I’M GONNA KILL YOU!
Bot: [starts running away] AAARGH!
[Cuts to the Augers’ househould’s garden and zooms in to Crazy]
Crazy: Ah yes, my family.
Bot (offscreen): AAAAAH! [yelling and explosions can be heard] HELP!
=== (Z) I hate my child. Short 1: Neglect. [December 8, 2041] {CartoonGuy277, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway} ===
[The short starts with Prim right outside Golf and Aaron’s house]
Prim: A cat’s life is truly a sad one.
[Aaron is seen about to eat a strawberry in his couch through the window]
Prim: We are constantly neglected by our owners, who barely give us what we need to survive, and instead only think about themselves.
[Golf is seen going in Aaron’s room and stealing the strawberry through the window]
Golf: OH YEAH! [he goes up the stairs]
Prim: When this happens, and believe me, it happens very often, I go to my thinking place. A place where I can think, because what else can I do when my owners don’t even feed me? [he jumps offscreen]
[The camera moves to where he jumped to, and a mountain of lasagna is there. Prim pops out of the top of the mountain while eating a lasagna]
Prim: *sigh*.........It’s sad how neglected I am.
[The short ends with Prim and Golf simultaneously biting into lasagna and a strawberry respectively]
== 2042 ==
=== (Z) I hate my child. S1E2: My child is missing. [February 18, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, DanzxvFan8275} ===
[The episode starts with Aaron going in his and Golf’s house with a mattress]
Golf: Where have you been?! What have you got there?! Is that a mattress?!
Aaron: Yes, it’s a mattress. I got it off Craigslist. There was some guy who lived in a forest and had this spare mattress.
Golf: Craiglist? In a forest? What forest?! Are you crazy?!
[Crazy appears out of nowhere]
Crazy: You called?
Golf: Out you go.
Crazy: o [Crazy suddenly vanishes]
Aaron: What’s the matter, Golf?
Golf: That mattress is the enemy of the people!
Aaron: What do you have against the mattress?
Golf: I just don’t think you should go frolicking in some unnamed forest to pick up this piece of evil! Beds are unproductive!
Aaron: It’s called Wogonana forest.
Smooth voiceover: [chuckles] Hey, kids, don’t search that one up.
Golf: That sounds pretty cool. [picks up a dictionary and scans it for the word ‘Wogonana’] UH… I WAS HACKED!
Aaron: Uh, sure. Well, I’m going to replace the old mattress.
[The camera zooms in Golf’s face with dramatic music]
Golf: No.
[Cut to Bot in her garden, holding her hand near her ear like she was listening]
Bot: Wogonana forest? Sounds pretty cool.
Zoltan: [comes out of his house] WHO SAID COOL?! That’s our word. Only I can say “Kool”.
Bot: Dad, can I go to Wogonana forest with Travis and Liz?
Zoltan: Uh, whatever will make you go away.
Bot: Wait, you need to come to supervise us!
Zoltan: Why would I want to supervise you brats?
Bot: Well, Travis and Liz’s parents have jobs.
Zoltan: Well, so do I!
Bot: Yeah, but they have actual jobs that contribute to society.
Zoltan: Excuse me, how does mine not contribute to society?
Bot: Dad, you write SpongeBob fanfiction on a daily basis.
Zoltan: I fail to see the problem.
Bot: Well, if I go missing, my friends will too, and we all know what happened last time you jeopardized the safety of the neighbourhood’s children.
[Flashback to Renaud and Zoltan in a jail cell, where Renaud is playing on a harmonica. Cut back to the garden]
Zoltan: You have a point, lass.
[Cut to Bot, Travis, Liz, and Zoltan at the forest wearing backpacks. Bot looks notably nervous]
Zoltan: Alright, what do you kids want to do now?
Liz: Well…
Zoltan: [interrupts Liz] Back off, Liv, I was talking to my stupid step-daughter.
Bot: Step-daughter?
Zoltan: Uh--
Bot: Am I not your real--
Zoltan: UH--
Bot: Is there something you’re not telling--
Zoltan: Just a slip of the tongue, Bot. Love you very much, mm-mm, as much as the sky is blue.
[It starts raining]
Zoltan: Anyway, back on track. What do you wanna do in this here Wagamama forest?
Bot: Well, explore maybe?
Zoltan: Explore my ass.
Bot: Dad!
Zoltan: What? I was telling them to join Zoltan’s Ass! [Cheesy commercial jingle plays]
Smooth voiceover: Nah, man, don’t join that man’s ass. It’s dusty down there.
Bot: Just… come with us…
Zoltan: Wait, you know I gotta drink first!
Bot: Then drink fast!
Zoltan: If you say so. [Zoltan empties his backpack, revealing the only thing in there was a massive keg of beer which he downs within five seconds]
Travis: What a responsible father you have.
Zoltan: Damn right! [passes out]
[Cut to Aaron, who’s convinced Golf to try out the new mattress]
Aaron: Okay, now Golf, just lay down on the mattress. There’s no duvet, there’s no anything, just a mattress.
Golf: I’d rather not. That mattress could go to starving children all over the Antarctic continent.
Aaron: You’re a millionaire, Golf, if you care so much, you should donate some of your profits to charities.
Golf: Imagine thinking being a millionaire is “rich”. I don’t live in Alaska.
[Zoom out to outside the house, where a massive sign overarches the town saying “Did Juneau you lived in Alaska? Welcome to the 49th State of the Union”]
Aaron: Just sleep on the bloody mattress.
Golf: Nope.
Aaron: Tough situations call for tough solutions.
[Aaron attaches a plug to the mains and suddenly the bookshelves in Golf’s room spin around and reveal themselves as speakers that start blasting Weezer’s “Can’t Stop Partying” on full blast. Golf responds with a pained shriek as he leaps out of his stance, flapping his flippers as if he was going to fly. In mid-air, the music stops as he realises he cannot fly.]
Golf: I’m losing ne sense if balanc… Oh my
[He falls down onto the mattress]
Aaron: [unplugs] See, I knew there’d be a way. So, how’s the mattress?
Golf: It’s… [we zoom into Golf’s head, revealing a psychedelic, technicolour landscape]
[In Golf’s fantasy, he, a cartoony penguin is a tuxedo strips his suit off, revealing a rainbow that carries him into the centre of this colourful city, with red tubes connecting each house, all of which are coloured in different shades of bright blue, green and yellow, and all moving rhythmically to Beatles-esque pop. The bus comes and Golf hops inside the door]
Busdriver: No need for a ticket, fine lad. We can always riiiide…
[Golf sits down on the only empty seat, as the rest of them are occupied by dancing radios. The busdriver starts driving them off a cliff, as Golf’s eyes fill up with rainbows and somehow the bus hovers in the air. We zoom into Golf and fade back to him on the mattress]
Golf: It’s wonderful. Oh...
[Cut to the kids having gone deeper into the forest, walking]
Bot: What have you guys got in your backpacks? I’ve got a bottle of water and Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz HD for the Nintendo Switch.
Travis: Damn fool, we’re in a forest!
Bot: I’ll just admire it! Oh, and I’ve also got some pictures of Halle Berry and Charli XCX.
Travis: Water Sex.
Liz: What?
Travis: Water Sex. I’ve only got the entire script of Water Sex.
Liz: Well at least I’M prepared in case we all get lost. I’ve got water, some snacks and even some spare socks.
Travis: I wonder what you need the socks for.
[Travis and Bot laugh]
Liz: Oh, and I also packed this.
[Liz puts a knife to Travis’ throat]
Travis: Okay, okay… [Liz moves away] This is fascism.
Bot: Come on, guys, calm down. Don’t be too naughty in front of my dad… Dad?
[The kids turn around and see Zoltan never moved away from where he had fainted]
Liz: Ha! I’m prepared and you’re not!
Bot: We are so dead.
Travis: Wait!
Bot and Liz: What?
Travis: We can read Water Sex!
[Liz again puts the knife to Travis’ throat. Cut to Golf on the mattress]
Aaron: Okay, when I bought this mattress off of the nonce--I mean, odd man I found on Craigslist, I thought I’D be sleeping on it.
Golf: [wearing shades and sipping a cocktail, speaking in a more flamboyant voice] Be quiet, dead person. Where’s my grapefruit sex?
Aaron: Wh… Okay, come on, Golf, I’m not sleeping on this bare mattress with you. I’ve got to sort out the bed covers and everything else…
Golf: Wait, why can’t you sleep with me on the bed?
Aaron: Golf, that’s weird.
Golf: What society may think is weird is irrelevant. What goes on in our bedroom is none of the outside world’s business.
Aaron: Golf, this is YOUR bedroom.
Golf: Why must we stick to what the man tells us to do? Fight the power, Aaron.
Aaron: [sighs] As I expected… you’re a slave to the mattress.
(Cut to the kids walking in the forest as Travis reads some literature)
Travis: It started off a normal day in Heaven, but then I began to get an urge. A VERY IMPORTANT URGE!
Liz: Hey… Speaking of water, I think I hear a lake!
Travis: And?
Bot: Wait...I think I see a house in the distance! It looks sort of like a house a witch would live in, and we know they’re always safe. Could be our only hope.
Liz: Hey, I see it too!
Travis: “The urge to masturbate?”, Jesus asked.
Bot: [pushes the book out of Travis’ hand] Stop reading it!
[They run towards the house while epic orchestral music plays, but they stop along with the music when they see a lake full of rocks in their way]
Bot: Oh, for Arre’s sake.
Travis: I think we can just jump over it. I mean, it’s not too large, unlike Bernie Sanders’ massive--
Liz: Travis, when you say something useful, stop after the first comma. I beg you.
Bot: So… are we gonna jump over it?
Travis: Well, I’m too pretty to die, so let’s test my theory with you.
Bot: Uh…why not Liz?
[Liz is nowhere to be seen]
Bot: [gulps] Fine. [a thought bubble appears from his head, and Zoltan is in it]
Thought bubble Zoltan: Don’t do it, Bot!
Bot: Or else?
Thought bubble Zoltan: I won’t feed you!
Bot: You say that like you’re feeding me.
Thought bubble Zoltan: Just don’t do it, Bot. I care for you.
Bot: Shut up, Dad, I’m gonna do it anyways. Although, if I fall, who knows what would happen to that new show “I Hate My Child” on the SpongeBob Fan--
Travis: Stop talking to yourself and jump!
Bot: Okay… [prepares to jump]
Travis: JUMP ALREADY!
Bot: (sighs)
[He jumps in slow motion]
Bot (in slow motion): AAAAAARGH!
[The speed then returns to normal as he safely lands on the other side]
Bot: ...Wait, I’m alive?
Travis: Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Anyways, come on Liz, we have to be rescued by a witch.
[Travis hears… questionable sounds]
Travis: Liz!
Liz: Uh…you jump first.
Travis: If you say so. [vanishes and pops up again on the other side]
Liz: Alright! Here it goes! [jumps but falls in the lake] Aah! Help!
Travis: Liz! Grab my hand!
Liz: That’s not your hand!
Travis: Oops.
Bot: Grab my hand instead.
[Liz grabs Bot’s hand and gets out of the lake visibly hurt by the rocks, with red scratches on her knees and arms]
Liz: I am in immense pain.
Travis: Indeed. Anyways, we can go to the witch’s house now. Are you scared of this too, Bot?
Bot: N-no! Of course not!
[Mr. Renaud gets out of the house where a witch supposedly lives]
Mr. Renaud: I smell children!
Smooth voiceover: Not that Mr. Renaud. God, he always on the scene lookin’ for a cute teen.
[Bot screams]
Mr. Renaud: Specifically, the distinct smell of Liz’s underwear.
Liz: Oh… Seriously?
Travis: Well, at least he’s all the way over there. It’s not like he can chase us or anything.
Mr. Renaud: Good idea, Travis!
Liz: TRAVIS!
Travis: This wouldn’t have happened had you not been a degenerate!
Bot: Oh, boy.
Liz: Bot, this is YOUR fault! You convinced us to go here in the first place!
Bot: I just wanted to explore the forest with my friends!
Travis: Where did you even hear about this forest?
Bot: My neighbour Aaron mentioned it! He said he got a mattress from here!
Mr. Renaud: Hey, I’m a known and a respected mattress salesman! I need money to buy chil--uh, chilli. I like chilli.
Liz: We need to get out of here.
Mr. Renaud: You can run, but you can’t hide…
Liz: I can’t run! My leg still stings from the fall.
Bot: I HATE YOU ALL!
Liz: SAME!
Travis: AGREED!
Mr. Renaud: One, two, three… Go!
[Mr. Renaud starts chasing the kids on four legs - almost like a tiger hunting for prey - as they escape, they all jump over the lake as the chasing continues for a while]
Liz: AARGH! It’s so hard to run like this!
[Cut to Liz rolling on the ground like Sonic]
Bot: Wait, I can hear someone…snoring!
[Loud snoring is heard]
Travis: Aren’t you hearing that, Liz?
[Cut to Liz shrugging with her ears missing]
Travis: I know.
Bot: Hmm… that snoring kinda sounds like my Dad’s!
Travis: Then let’s wake that deadbeat up!
Bot: Gosh, I have no idea how to do that. He only wakes up to certain things… like construction outside of his house and the opening of a beer can. Wait! I have an idea!
Liz: Which is?
Bot: You know, my dad always talks about a… close friend he knew once upon a time…
[Flashback to a young Zoltan in a bar with EB]
EB: I was hitting up this girl Squiddleward, until I found out that she was an ADMIN on a WEEKEE!
Zoltan: Bruh, that’s messed up.
EB: I know, right? Want to go to Hooters? They got hot chicks there.
[Cut back to Bot and the kids near Zoltan, still asleep on the ground]
Bot: He always said that even when Dad was at his worst, he had someone there to comfort him. Someone who would always be there for him. I think if I replicate his voice, he’ll wake up. [replicating EB’s voice] Talk about filler, Zoltan.
[Zoltan wakes up but is still in a daze]
Zoltan: Earnest?! God’s brought you back to me in my darkest moment.
Bot: No, it’s just me.
Zoltan: What the--
[Cut to Aaron struggling to walk as he carries Golf, dressed in a rainbow “hippie” outfit, on the mattress, down the forest]
Aaron: I knew I shouldn’t have bought a mattress from a registered sex offender… Oh, hi, kids. Zoltan. Do you lads know where Paul Renaud is?
[Renaud, still on four legs, leaps onto the scene, hissing, before he takes out his long, frog-like tongue and eats everyone in one bite. He licks his lips and the episode ends.]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S1E3: My child is a criminal. [February 28, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, DanzxvFan8275} ===
[The episode starts in the Augers’ garden, where Bot is talking to CartoonGuy]
Bot: Look, you are good at taking care of people, right?
CartoonGuy: That is a ridiculous stereotype, which makes no sense, especially considering I am from the north of Italy, not from the south, where the mafia typically is. But yes, mafia boss over here will happily murder whoever you want me to!
Bot: [holds up a picture of Chip Rockefeller] This man! I want him dead!
CartoonGuy: Oh, we’ll take care of him no problem! But, surely you know, I won’t do it for nothing…
Bot: [holds up Zoltan’s wallet - we zoom into see it contains only 50 cents and is plastered with Family Guy stickers] How much do you want?
CartoonGuy: Make me an offer I can’t refuse.
Bot: I can give you the entire wallet.
CartoonGuy: A pleasure doing business with you.
Zoltan: [gets out of the house] Hey Crazy, did you steal all our tissues--BOT!
Bot: UH, I CAN EXPLAIN!
CartoonGuy: Ciao! [grabs Zoltan’s wallet and runs away]
Zoltan: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IS THAT MY WALLET?
Bot: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Zoltan: Bot, I just saw you giving my wallet to Luigi over there. I wonder if he’s available for familicide...
Bot: How do you know that was your wallet?
Zoltan: Sweetheart, how many other people do you know who have Peter Griffin on their wallets?
Bot: Dad, I’m [censor bleep] years old. I don’t know anyone else with a wallet.
Zoltan: Well, what about Golf?
[Cut to Golf sweating profusely at a vending machine as he struggles to put his 20 cents in to get a banana-flavoured chocolate bar, and cut back to Bot and Zoltan]
Zoltan: Good point. Now, thankfully, I have a back-up wallet in the safe in case any Italians creep in. Follow me.
[Zoltan leads Bot into a secret room in the basement. It’s pitch-black, but Zoltan still presses in a code as a password to the safe in front of him]
Zoltan: There we go… [he swishes his hand around in the safe, only to come up empty] Bot, did you give this wallet to the Italians too?
Bot: Don’t be silly, Dad! I used it to buy Sofia the First full seasons on The Pirate Bay.
Smooth voiceover: The makings of a criminal right before your eyes.
[Zoltan sighs and we cut to Aaron sitting on the sofa watching Doc McStuffins on his laptop]
Aaron: Gosh, isn’t that Lambie the Lamb such a character? Goodness, always up to mischief, that bloody toy sheep.
[Golf shuts his laptop]
Aaron: Hey, what was that for? I was enjoying some wholesome misadventures with the helpful Doc McStuffins and her gang of fun-loving technicolour animal friends!
Golf: My enemy senses were tingling. How did you come across this material?
Aaron: With my eyes.
Golf: No smart aleck response, troll. How are you consuming this content? Through a streaming service?
Aaron: Well--
Golf: Netflix?
Aaron: Nope.
Golf: Disney+?
Aaron: Nope.
Golf: Cut-Out?
Aaron: Golf, that’s not even a real thing. Look, I was pirating it, okay? I got a download from a… reliable source and I was just enjoying it without needing to pay any money to those big corporations.
Golf: YOU! Don’t you know how much care and work are put into these animated television programmes?
Aaron: Yes, I do, but not enough to pay $10 a week to watch them.
Golf: Disgraceful. Piracy is beyond heinous and deplorable. It’s not civilised behaviour.
Aaron: Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard it before. Listen, let me just watch my pre-school cartoons in peace-- [motions towards his laptop]
Golf: Nope. [picks up the laptop and throws it out of the window]
Aaron: Aw, I had my Charli XCXXX collection on there.
Golf: Your what?
Aaron: It doesn’t matter. What have you got against me enjoying a little bit of Doc McStuffins without paying, Golf? Surely someone as stingy as you with your cash would appreciate the… illegal things in life.
Golf: Admittedly, I am glad you are taking your time to watch educational programming instead of listening to blasphemy-core all hours of the day. Yet, I am still of concern that these writers and directors are not getting their fair due when people like you are torrenting their work. Not that said work deserves much respect, as after all, art is the enemy of productivity.
Aaron: So why do you--
Golf: Shush, Stalin’s goldfish. Where did you get those episodes from, anyway?
Aaron: Well, a trustworthy torrenter never reveals his plugs. It’s the street code. [Aaron lights up a blunt and starts smoking as G-funk plays]
Smooth voiceover: Man, that’s some cultural appropriation. There ain’t no street here, it’s just some lil’ British girl in her bedroom.
[Cuts to Bot in her room watching The Amazing World of Gumball on her laptop. Said room is filled with bright blue and pink colours and has posters of Charli XCX, 100 gecs and The Nightmare Neighbors Next Door.]
Bot: Ah, this is the life.
Golf (offscreen): The life of crime.
Bot: Huh? [turns around, but sees nothing] Mmmhh….
[Cut to downstairs, where Zoltan is printing money]
Zoltan: Ah, printing money, what a brilliant idea! What could go wrong?
[The police enter the house, destroying the front door]
Zoltan: AAARGH! IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
Police officer: WHERE’S THE PIRATE?!
Zoltan: What?
Police officer: We got reports of piracy around here…
Cactus: PIRACY? [hides in their pot]
Bot: [goes downstairs] Welp, just finished pirating, what are we having for lun--
Police officer: FREEZE!
Bot: AAARGH! I DIDN’T PAY HIM TO KILL HIM! FAKE NEWS!
Police officer 2: Ma’am, you are under arrest! Piracy is a very serious crime!
Bot: Oh, come on, is it that serious of a crime?
[Bot gets grabbed by the police as they take her out of the door and to the police station]
Zoltan: YES! SHE’S GOING TO JAIL! THANK YOU, ARRE!
Bot: NOOO! I BLAME CRAZY! DAD, HELP!
Zoltan: [holds up his middle finger]
Smooth voiceover: Man, how are child services lettin’ this guy have custody?
Zoltan: WOOHOO! We’re gonna party all day! If I meet whoever reported this act of piracy, I will [loooooooooong censor bleep].
Cactus: …...Ehem…...Zoltan, don’t you think that being without Bot would make everything dull and boring?
Zoltan: Let me think about that for a second… [pauses, deep in thought for 10 seconds] NOPE! [runs to the fridge, grabs a bottle of beer, and starts chugging it as fast as he can]
Cactus: Welp, I tried.
[Cut to Aaron walking around the house scrolling on his phone; we see an Instagram post by yvngdanny that reads "Yooo Fr... We Smokin That CrazySponge Pack Out Here 😤💯". Golf jumps into the corridor and slaps the phone out of his hand]
Golf: NO! NO EVIL!
[Golf pulls out a shotgun decorated with a crucifix and Catholic imagery, and starts shooting at the phone]
Aaron: Oh, come on, Golf, I’d just backed up my Charli stash on there.
Golf: Your what?
Aaron: Nothing. Listen, you don’t need to worry about me pirating anything anymore. My plug got turned into the feds.
Golf: I know.
Aaron: H-how?
Golf: I did some snooping and discovered the culprit, and she is at the police station repenting her sins to the Lord as we speak. Now, Aaron, may I explain to you why you must never commit such acts of piracy again?
Aaron: Well, I know I won’t have a choice.
Golf: [dusts off an old brown book] Now this is my coveted Piracy Bible. It lays out the core principles of why piracy is so heinous of a crime. First off, thou shalt not steal a car.
[Cut to a flashback of Bot doing wheelies in a stolen Mercedes, and cut back to the police station where Bot is being interrogated]
Police officer: Piracy AND stealing cars? You must be one of our most dangerous criminals! We have a special place for those like you…
[Cut to a long prison hall, where the police officers are walking, dragging Bot]
Police officer: Now this is the most dangerous prison ever. It has the worst people ever. They are very evil. They-
Bot: Okay I don’t really care.
Police officer: Here is Susan, who stole a candy from the store.
Bot: WHAT?! THAT IS THE WORST THING I EVER HEARD! Nah, that’s just dumb. Why is she here?
Police officer: Well, if you read the laws of this fine town, you should know that candy is the most important thing an inhabitant can have! Susan’s lucky she didn’t get the death penalty. Now next in line is aunt Grimelda… She uses Twitter.
Smooth voiceover: Man, some people really are the scum of Earth.
Bot: Nice joke. What did she actually do?
Police officer: It’s not a joke.
Bot: wait wut
Police officer: Then there is your “roommate”, Muffin Hat. She has done something that is unbelievable. She said SpongeBob is the worst show ever.
Bot: Well, that is a popular opinion.
Police officer: WHAT?!!! WHO ELSE THINKS THAT?!
[Cut to the Augers’ house, where Zoltan is in his couch bored with confetti and empty beer cans all over the place.]
Zoltan: [bored] This is the most beautiful day of my life…what a good time I’m having….wooHOO! Bot is GONE! Yay! Ugh...what a headache…
[Cactus crawls in the room]
Cactus: Told ya.
Zoltan: Shut up. This is not dull and not boring. I do not miss Bot at all.
Cactus: Sure.
Zoltan: This is not boring, not boring, not boring...
Cactus: You okay?
Zoltan: YES I AM! [starts crying]
Cactus: Uh… Okay bye. [crawls back]
Zoltan: Bot, will you pass me the tissues?
[Everyone is silent for five seconds]
Zoltan: Wait……[cries more] Bot…….I hate you…...BUT YOU’RE NOT HERE TO KNOW! [sobs] I’ll just have to get the tissues myself…..wait…….CRAZYSPONGE! [sobs even more]
Crazy: [pops out of nothing] o
Zoltan: Would you… hand me the… tissues…?
Crazy: no you do not want those tissues on your face trust me
Zoltan: Stupid cat.
Crazy: I AM NOT A CAT YOU DUMB…
Zoltan: Oh yeah.
Crazy: Admit it. You miss Bot.
Zoltan: I… don’t miss… her…
Crazy: Yes you do.
Zoltan: I DON’T AND I NEVER DID! I HATE BOT! I hate my child.
Crazy: Then why are you crying?
Zoltan: I AM NOT……..[starts sobbing uncontrollably] I MISS BOT! I MISS BOT! I WOULD BAIL HER OUT…...BUT THAT STUPID KID SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY! [sobs more, and runs off to the bathroom, where he starts speaking to himself in the mirror] I feel a void in my heart where Bot used to be. Someone I could release my frustrations onto. Someone I could teach my wide array of life experience and knowledge. Someone who, no matter what garbage I was on about, she always listened.
Smooth voiceover: Man…….that’s deep.
[Cut to Golf screaming in agony in a record store as he sees someone buy a Lil Pump CD]
[Cut to Bot’s prison cell, which is suddenly opened]
Police officer: Bot, good news. Some fella over here claiming to be your teacher has just given us $5,000. You can go free.
Bot: Oh, my Arre! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [runs to hug the man in front of the cell that just bailed her out, before realising it’s Mr Renaud, standing alongside Zoltan]
Renaud: Oh, no need to thank me, Miss Auger. I just couldn’t live without seeing you in my class. Anyway, now I’ve bailed you out on a single condition: that I inform you of the evils of piracy.
Bot: Sir, do you really need to do that?
Renaud: Well, of course, I do! It’s the only way that both our criminal records get expunged, or at least that’s what the government agreed. So, Bot, prepare for the public safety announcement of a lifetime - and a rather seductive one if I do say so myself.
[The background turns into a multi-coloured, cartoonish landscape as Renaud adorns a tuxedo and top hat, fit with a black and white cane, and old-timey vaudeville music starts playing]
Renaud: [singing - badly] Don't you know that piracy is never A-OK?
Unless you've got approval from the FBI or CIA
This is a compromise, so you and I will both be free
Copyright protection isn't the only law that says 'C.P.'
I'll bail you out so you can still join my baby-making class
So I can still keep an eye out for Mr. Penniall's thick ass
I don't want to be locked in prison and I think neither do you
So let's talk about piracy with a musical verse or two!
[Short instrumental interlude as Renaud scoops Bot up to a car dealership]
Renaud: You wouldn't steal a car unless you've got a damn good reason
Like you're escaping to Canada because we charged you with treason
You wouldn't steal from an art gallery 'cause someone worked on that
So why would you burn that DVD of that yellow man who's fat? Aaron!
[Renaud leaps into Aaron’s house, where he’s laying on the sofa with headphones on]
Renaud: Unless the man who made it is a pedophile like me
You should take your time to save and buy that pornogrind CD
Aaron: Well, I don't like that album.
Renaud: It's only a dollar 53
And it's much better to pay than spend your time searching on Soulseek
Now, give me a beat!
[Hip-hop beat plays as Renaud stands against a brick wall with two exaggerated stereotypes of inner-city youths]
Renaud: [rapping] Boys, have you heard this new Lil Wayne mixtape on Napster?
Youth: Yeah, bro, I gotta recommend a tape right back at ya
Youth 2: Nah, man, you ain't dope if you ain't heard St. Anger
Youth: Man, shut up, you know we don't fuck with Metallica
Renaud: Well, I think you're both silly - and sexy - and wrong
For you should pay at least a dollar to hear a new song
Those engineers aren't getting paid to be robbed
Youth: Hey, speaking of robbed…
Youth 2: Paul, prepare to get mobbed
[Renaud swiftly runs away and returns to the prison as vaudeville music restarts]
Renaud: When you watch your favourite show, you should watch the credits
To see whose paycheck you just stole from downloading .ZIP files on Reddit
If you knew no-one would gladly pay to see your final edit
Would you bother to pay your staff or take that check and shred it?
[pointing at Bot] Fall into a deep sadness, for you should be full of guilt
Even sex offenders like me know that companies need our bills
So if you upload another file from your little selection…
Bot: Come on, not even Family Guy: The Meg Collection?
Zoltan: Excuse me, Renaud, I think you have an erection.
Travis: [from another prison cell] It's time we have a far-left insurrection!
[Cut to Golf, sitting next to Aaron on the sofa]
Golf: I have fallen into a deep depression.
Aaron: Where'd my iPad go?
Golf: Don't even bother requesting.
[Cut back to the prison]
Zoltan (and choir): Bot, I give you all of my love and affection
But this is not the first time that you've been arrested
So please (Please!), leave (Leave!) that folder in the recycling bin
So I don't have to worry about bailing you out again
Renaud: Actually, I bailed her out
Zoltan: Shut up, Renaud!
Can't you see I'm having a moment with my dog?
Bot: Your dog?
Zoltan: My daughter! I meant to say "daughter"
Officer: God, I'd hate to live as one of the Augers
Zoltan: Shut up, everyone! Now I beg and I plead
For you to never again commit piracy!
[Zoltan holds the high note as the music comes to a stop]
Bot: Eh. I got Simpsons episodes to upload.
Zoltan: Son of a-- [episode ends]
[As the credits end we hear a shotgun fire once, and a man screaming in pain]
CartoonGuy: (offscreen) Worth it.
=== (Z) I hate my child. Short 2: Oven. [April 16, 2042] {CartoonGuy277} ===
[The short starts with Prim sleeping and waking up to his clock ringing]
Prim: Ugh. [eats the clock] Time for some morning lasagne! At 5 PM.
[Prims goes to the kitchen and puts a lasagne in the oven for a while]
Prim: A
=== (Z) I hate my child. Short 3: Missile. [April 23, 2042] {ChatGPT} ===
[The camera pans to Prim, who is sitting in the middle of the living room, surrounded by various cat toys. He picks up a toy missile in his mouth and tosses it into the air]
Prim: Whee! This toy missile is so much fun to play with.
[Prim bats at the missile with his paw, sending it flying across the room. He chases after it, pouncing on it and then picking it up again]
Prim: I love how this missile is just the right size for me to carry around.
[Prim carries the missile over to the couch, dropping it at the feet of his owner]
Prim: Look what I found! Can we play fetch with it?
[Prim's owner picks up the missile and throws it across the room. Prim chases after it, leaping and twisting in the air to catch it in his mouth]
Prim: This is the best toy ever!
=== (Z) I hate my child. Short 4: Censorship. [April 30, 2042] {ChatGPT} ===
[Prim is sitting on a windowsill, looking out at the street below. A news report about censorship is playing on the TV in the background.]
News Anchor: The controversy over censorship continues to rage on as more and more people voice their concerns about the limits on free speech.
Prim: [muttering to himself] Censorship, huh? I know a thing or two about that.
[Prim jumps off the windowsill and approaches the TV, his tail flicking back and forth.]
Prim: You know, it's not just humans who censor things. Sometimes us cats get censored too.
News Anchor: Really? How so?
Prim: Well, for one thing, have you ever noticed how many of those silly cat videos on the internet get taken down for no good reason? It's like the powers-that-be don't want people to see how awesome we are.
News Anchor: Hmm, I never thought of it that way.
Prim: And don't even get me started on the times my humans have tried to stop me from expressing myself. Like that time they put a collar on me with a stupid little bell, just so they could hear me coming. That was pure censorship, I tell you.
News Anchor: I can see how that would be frustrating.
Prim: You're telling me. But at least I have my secret lasagna stash to console me when things get tough.
[Prim saunters off, his tail held high, as the news report continues in the background.]
=== (Z) I hate my child. Short 5: Comforting. [May 7, 2042] {ChatGPT} ===
[Prim is curled up on the couch, enjoying a peaceful afternoon nap, when he suddenly hears Aaron crying from the other room. He immediately jumps off the couch and runs to investigate]
Prim: [to himself] Oh no, what's wrong? I have to help!
[He finds Aaron sitting on the floor, tears streaming down his face. Prim walks over to them and starts rubbing his head against his arm]
Aaron: [looks up at Prim, still crying] Oh, Prim. I'm so upset. I just got some bad news from law school, and I don't know what to do.
Prim: [continues to rub his head against Aaron's arm, purring softly]
Aaron: [reaches down to pet Prim] You're such a good kitty, Prim. You always know how to make me feel better.
[Prim continues to purr and snuggle up to Aaron, providing comfort and support. After a few minutes, Aaron starts to calm down]
Aaron: [wipes away their tears] Thank you, Prim. I needed that. You're the best companion I could ask for.
Prim: [looks up at Aaron with a contented expression] Meow.
[For the rest of the evening, Prim stays close to Aaron, snuggling up to them and providing comfort. Together, they get through the tough time]
Prim: [to himself] I'm glad I could be there for my human when he needed me. That's what friends are for.
Narrator: And so, Prim showed Aaron that even in their darkest moments, they could always count on her for comfort and support. He may have been just a cat, but his presence made all the difference in the world.
=== (Z) I hate my child. S1E4: My child is an immigrant. [June 29, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, DanzxvFan8275, PrimitiveSponge129} ===
[The episode starts in the Auger residence, with Zoltan holding a knife and Bot strapped to a wheel]
Bot: Uh, dad, I don’t think this is very safe--
[Zoltan throws a knife, which ends up right above Bot’s head]
Zoltan: It helps me with stress! Do you know how stressful it is to have you as my daughter?
[A knock is heard on the door]
Zoltan: No, Golf, we don’t have any strawberries left.
[Tan enters the room]
Zoltan: TAN?!
Bot: Who?
Tan: Zoltan!
Bot: Who is this guy?
Zoltan: What are you doing here?
Tan: I'm here to take you on a free vacation to France.
Zoltan: No thank you, we were in the middle of somethi--
Tan: Well, too bad, I'm taking you anyway!
Bot: Why do we need to go to France?
[Tan lets out an unholy shriek]
Zoltan: Fair point. Wait, if I go to France, I will finally be done with this damn daughter of mine!
Tan: She’s coming too, Zoltan.
[Zoltan yells in dismay and kicks CrazySponge in the head, knocking him out and leaving him unconscious. It cuts to a black screen with an image of CrazySponge projectile vomiting onto Zoltan, captioned “RIP CrazySponge. Forever in our hearts”, before cutting back to the living room]
Bot: Wait, are we actually going to France? This isn’t one of those random jokes? No?
Tan: I just bought a plane! I want to use it with people!
Bot: Tan, France is a shithole.
Zoltan: Cease that xenophobia, British bastard. Wait, Tan, you know… err… the… “guy”... he’s not there, right?
Tan: Zoltan, he’s not dangerous! Don’t worry!
Bot: What are you people talking about?
[Golf shoots down the walls of the Auger home with a crucifix-adorned machine gun and breaks into the house]
Golf: Greetings.
Aaron: [enters slowly] What is this, a reunion? Who’s that guy?
Golf: I crave strawberries. [licks his lips]
Zoltan: People, I have very sad news for all of you: I will leave you for a few days, as I am going on a vacation to France, along with my stupid daughter…
[A single tear rolls down Bot’s cheek]
Zoltan: ...Crazy…
[Crazy starts bleeding continually from his head]
Zoltan: ...Cactus, and Tan.
Aaron: Who?
[Tan lets out another unholy shriek]
Aaron: Oh, of course. How could I forget?
Zoltan: Golf, I have a mission for you, my productive buddy: clean this house so the police don’t inspect this house for “dead odour” anymore.
Golf: Strawberries.
Zoltan: Fine. [he pulls out a comically large strawberry and places it on the couch]
Smooth voiceover: That gnarly dude Golf wants to get it on.
Tan: Soon-to-be-Frenchmen, hop onto my plane! [he exits the house alongside Zoltan, dragging CrazySponge’s corpse and Cactus]
Bot: Uhh...
Golf: Off you go. [he grabs the wheel and rolls it out of the house] You can't just stay here doing nothing while I clean the house. That's unproductive. Now, Aaron, I hope you understand that cleaning is a job done by two men.
Aaron: You want me to clean with you?
Golf: Of course, we will do that eventually, but now, I must log off this house and not return for 12 more hours.
Aaron: what
Golf: You won’t have another man cleaning with you, but you will have a cat, man’s best friend.
Prim: [walks in the house] Meow. Oh dear, what happened here?
Golf: Something unconstitutional, and you have to help clean it.
Prim: WHAT?! But Golf, sir, I'm a cat.
Golf: And I'm a penguin, I think you can handle this job.
Aaron: Golf, you should help with cleaning the house too. You can't just stay around our house all day. That would be, as you say, “unproductive”.
Golf: Nonsense, Aaron. I have many, many productive things to do. [He grabs the giant strawberry] And I do not wish to be disturbed. Now CLEAN, YOU TWO! You have to be done before the @everyone DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨
[Aaron and Prim look at each other as Golf vanishes into thin air.]
Aaron: Where did he go?
[Moaning is heard from outside the house.]
Prim: Well, I suppose you'd better get started. The house won't clean itself, lazybones. [He walks off]
Aaron: You lazy hypocritic fat feline. [He grabs Prim and throws him to the ground]
Prim: Mondays.
Golf (offscreen): IT’S NOT EVEN MONDAY!
[Cut to Tan flying his plane in the air]
Tan: This is Tan Airlines, we hope you're having a nice flight.
Zoltan: Believe me I'm not.
Tan: Please ensure your seat belts are buckled as we're now approaching our final destination.
Zoltan: But France is our only destination, idiot.
Tan: Sure, it is.
Bot: Aw, we’re arriving? I was watching Toy Story 2!
Zoltan: Are you sure you didn't pirate it, you criminal bitch?
Bot: What?
Zoltan: What?
Bot: What?
Zoltan: Pirate says what.
Bot: What? Fuck.
Tan: People, I am seeing the Eiffel Tower here, which means we are about to la--okay, we just hit it now let’s get out of this thing.
[Zoom out to Tan’s plane crashing into a now burning Eiffel Tower, with audible screaming from civilians and camera flashes amidst reporters discussing the event and thousands of police sirens going off]
Zoltan: Why did I agree to this?
[Tan hops out of the plane]
Tan: France is just a beautiful-- [the police taser him]
[Cut to a prison where Tan and co. are being let off]
Prison Guard: Alright, so whilst you did set fire to the most iconic landmark in the history of our nation, Mr. Pecks just called and demanded to pardon you, and he said, quote “French people are the enemy of the people”, which is a pretty convincing take for someone whose job it is to observe the worst French society has it to offer.
Tan: Oh, come on, it’s not that bad!
Prison Guard: Oh, yeah? Have you seen this fella?
[CrazySponge, somehow alive again, is now in prison, dehydrated]
Bot: Hey, that’s just our dog!
CrazySponge: I love penis.
Prison Guard: What is wrong with the people of today? What even IS a penis? Sacrebleu.
[Cut to Tan and co. wandering the streets of Paris, seemingly completely unaffected by the events of the day]
Tan: Oh, look at that, I see a 5 star French restaurant! Les fils de pute. Must mean some elegant French thing! Ah, this truly is the country with the finest cuisine in the world.
[CartoonGuy is seen on a bomb in the sky]
CartoonGuy: SHUT THE FUCK UP TAN! ITALY FOREVER!
[CartoonGuy crashes down with the bomb, exploding, with Crazy also exploding, with his limbs flying all over the street. Crazy’s left leg falls onto Zoltan’s eye]
Zoltan: That's the most interesting thing that's happened so far in this place.
Tan: I’ll be enjoying a nice SNAIL!
Zoltan: Fool. [scrapes the leg and the remaining blood off his face] I’ll order a ratatouille, and after being incredibly moved, I will congratulate the rat cook in the kitchen, named Ratatouille.
Bot: Remy.
Zoltan: Shut up Meg.
[Cut to Aaron using Prim to clean the toilet]
Prim: AAAARGH! ARRRGH! ARRGRH! THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU-[mumbles something underwater in the toilet, then is taken out by Aaron] Fuck you!
Golf: [pops out from the toilet] I see you are learning how hard life is for people who are suffering in poorer countries. [he leaves the toilet and turns on the radio] I will now be listening to some radio.
Aaron: But aren't you always saying that music is the enemy of the people?
Golf: Who said I was gonna listen to music?
[Golf turns the radio on. A news broadcast is heard.]
News Reporter: Breaking news or something, Paris has been bombed.
Golf: Death is infinitely better than music, wouldn't you agree?
[Silence]
Aaron: Who on earth would bomb Paris?
Prim: Probably that Italian kid CartoonGuy.
[Pause]
Prim: Something bad's gonna happen to me, isn't it?
Golf: [slaps Prim] NO DOXXING! BACK TO WORK, YOU TWO!
[Golf shoves Prim back in the toilet]
Golf: I WILL BE GOING ON A PRODUCTIVITY STRIKE FOR SOME HOURS TO PRAY TO JOE BIDEN IN CHURCH. [flies away]
Aaron: I didn't know penguins could fly.
Prim: Dude, Golf is a gigantic asshole. Maybe we should… get rid of him…
Aaron: Are you suggesting murder?! PRIM!
Prim: NO! Not murder. Maybe we could just go on a trip to Madagascar and send him with us in a box or something. DreamWorks has taught me that penguins can survive just fine in Madagascar!
Aaron: I think Golf is too big to fit in a box.
Prim: Then ship him in a refrigerator or something.
Aaron: Wouldn't he freeze to death?
Prim: Who said it would be plugged in? Also, he's a penguin.
Aaron: Good point. But how will we lure him in?
[Cut to Aaron and Prim outside, with the fridge open]
Prim: Golf! Come here! There’s a fridge with STRAWBERRIES here!
[Prim’s line is shown echoing through mountains, and Golf comes flying quickly]
Golf: MY STOCKS ARE RISIIIIIIIIING! [flies into the fridge, which then gets closed by Prim] WHERE ARE THE STRAWBERRIES?!
Aaron: Huh. Guess we just need to bring this to Madagascar.
Prim: Now it’s a double travel episode!
Smooth voiceover: Go fuck yourself.
[Cut to the French restaurant, where Bot is eating a baguette, Tan is eating a snail, and Cactus is eating a croissant]
Cactus: This tastes like the desert.
Tan: I must say, snails are delicious! I get why the French eat them! I wonder what else they do with them.
Bot: This baguette is bread.
Zoltan: Where the hell is my ratatouille? I ordered it with you people!
Waiter: [comes out of the kitchen with a ratatouille in hand, and starts speaking with a French accent] Bonjour, Monsieur Zoltan! Here is the ratatouille you asked for.
Zoltan: [aggressively grabs it] Thank you, bitch. Now, people, it’s time for me to be blessed…
[Zoltan slowly grabs the fork, and eats a little bit of the ratatouille. We then see a flashback of Zoltan as a kid, playing with a rabbit named Bunny]
Zoltan: Hey Bunny, want to commit tax evasion?
French Guy: Zoltan! Come inside! It’s lunch time!
Zoltan: But Dad!
French Guy: Sacrebleu, just come inside! Ugh, I hate my child.
[Zoltan goes inside crying]
Bunny: Sad!
[Zoltan sits at the table, where French Guy places a ratatouille]
French Guy: I should not have made you.
Zoltan: [eats a bit of the ratatouille] Wow, this is delicious!
French Guy: Oui, of course it is, it’s French food! I’m sure that bunny is also deli--
[Zoltan throws a knife at French Guy’s private parts]
French Guy: AAAAARGH! OH MY GOD! PÉNIS! PUTE! AAAAAAARGH!
[We return to the present, where Zoltan begins happily devouring the ratatouille]
Smooth voiceover: Man, that Zoltan got some messed-up childhood.
Waiter: [comes out of the kitchen] I’m glad you liked it, Monsieur Zoltan! I--
[Zoltan throws a knife at his private parts, causing him to yelp]
Bot: WHAT THE FU--
Tan: Holy shit.
Cactus: Oh dear.
Crazy: [appears, back from the dead] God, Lois, this is worse than that time I--
[Tan stomps on CrazySponge, killing him again]
Zoltan: Waiter, I’d like to see the chef, the REAL one. [winks]
Waiter: Motherfucking son of a croissant! MONSIEUR PECKOUIS!
[A penguin chef named Golfier Peckouis comes out of the kitchen]
Golfier Peckouis: SLAVE, BACK TO WORK!
Zoltan: I WANT TO SEE THE RAT!
Waiter: WHAT?!
[The Paris police burst into the restaurant]
French Policeman: QUELQU'UN NOUS A APPELÉ POUR DIRE QU'IL Y AVAIT DE LA VIOLENCE ICI!
Zoltan: SPEAK AMERICAN!
Crazy: [back from the dead] But we’re in Africa!
Bot: HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?!
French Policeman 2: Ugh, stupid tourists! Someone called us to report violence here!
Zoltan: WHO?!
French Policeman: Not ourselves! Check for bombs! [Zoltan throws a fork at his eye] AAARGH!
Bot: DAD, WHAT’S GOT INTO YOU?!
Zoltan: I’m not finished! [he throws his plate at another officer’s head, then he throws the entire table at the rest of the police] RUN!
[Zoltan and co. run out of the restaurant]
Golfier Peckouis: WHERE’S THE MONEY?! [he furiously eats a strawberry, then grabs a comically large knife and starts chasing them]
[Cut to Golf playing basketball with Elon Musk]
Elon Musk: Wow, Golf. I didn’t know you were so lethal beyond the arc. Care to show me some more of your skills?
[Golf’s phone rings an alarm]
Golf: Nope. BACK TO WORK!
[Golf shoots a basketball into Elon Musk’s Tesla window and runs away]
Elon Musk: Aw, man, I just got Lil’ Timmy to re-do that window.
[Cut to Golf waking up, revealing that was a dream. He is in an island, with the fridge behind him open]
Golf: WHERE AM I?! THIS ISN’T BASKETBALL WITH ELON MUSK!
[He runs into the wilderness, where he comes into contact with a snarling fossa]
Golf: Oh, a dog. How unproductive.
[The fossa leaps at Golf and crunches his leg]
Golf: I’m losing ne sense if balanc. Oh my
[Cut to Prim and Aaron smoking cigarettes and sunbathing near the swimming pool in a tropical-looking Madagascar hotel.]
Prim: Hey Aaron, where’d you put the fridge again?
Aaron: Oh dear.
[Cut to Golf being attacked by several fossas at all angles, before heroic trumpets play and the audience is treated to sexy close-up shots of one Mr. Jeffrey Epstein, wearing a superhero cape and nothing more except pixelated genitalia]
Jeffrey Epstein: No need to fear! Nonce is here!
Golf: Elon Musk?
Epstein: Nope.
Golf: Bill Gates?
Epstein: No.
Golf: The Terrible Travis?
Epstein: Well, that was my nickname in high school. Fortunately, Golf, you’ve ended up on my wonderful island, where you won’t need to worry a thing about your safety as long as you also fuck kids.
Golf: That sounds unproductive.
Epstein: Oh, trust me. It’s reproductive!
Golf: Just one question… Do you have any seeds?
Epstein: Absolutely! They're like edible children!
[Golf, still bleeding copious amounts from his legs after the fossa attack, stands up and follows Epstein to his private mansion]
Golf: How did you obtain such a luxurious property? You must never sleep.
Epstein: Oh, trust me, I sleep four women a day. I mean, hours.
Golf: How does one obtain such stability and success in their position?
Epstein: Mr. Pecks, I’m not just Jeffrey Epstein, convicted sex offender, like you see in the news. I’m Jeffrey Epstein, convicted sex offender and KING OF THE LEMURS!
Golf: Remarkable.
[Cut back to Zoltan and co. on the run from French police, who are exhausted from the chase]
French Policeman: We’re THIS close to catching them. Is becoming a fake French police man and buying all of these patrol vehicles really worth just catching up with my son for one final chat? I’m not a French Policeman. I’m just a humble French Guy.
French Policeman 2: [reveals himself as Mike] I don’t know, I’m just here because you paid me.
[Cut to CartoonGuy in the Louvre in a wheelchair, right next to the Mona Lisa]
CartoonGuy: I'll get you out of this wretched museum soon, m'lady. I just need to wait for my legs to grow back and then we'll run away together!
Zoltan: Stop right there!
Bot: What? No, just let him steal the painting. You’re not a museum guard.
Zoltan: Always with the piracy, huh, Bot? You know, if you didn’t take everything in this world for granted, maybe I’d care enough to be a good dad!
[The two continue indecipherable arguing as CartoonGuy takes the Mona Lisa off the wall and attaches it to his wheelchair]
CartoonGuy: Out of my way, Frenchie!
[He speeds out of the museum, running over Zoltan's feet. The police enter the museum, armed, and aim their guns at Zoltan and CartoonGuy, cornering them alongside Tan, Bot and Cactus.]
Tan: Wait, where did Crazy go?
[Cut to the Paris cemetery, where there is a lone grave reading “twat”]
[Cut back to the museum]
Zoltan: Well, daughter, I guess this is it for us. At least we went out like honourable gentlemen.
[He puts his arms out ready for them to shoot but nothing happens]
Zoltan: Well, what are you waiting for? What else do we need to do to your country? We literally 9/11-ed the Eiffel Tower.
French Policeman: Oh… uh, we're actually responding to a report of painting theft.
Zoltan: Oh… in that case…
French Policeman: I am absolutely not shooting a paraplegic.
Zoltan: Who said you had to shoot him?
[Zoltan kicks CartoonGuy, leaving his wheelchair spinning right into the French policeman’s arms, as he drops the Mona Lisa]
CartoonGuy: No! My beauty!
Zoltan: Let’s get the hell out of here. Tan, where’d the plane go after we crashed it?
Tan: I don’t know, the hospital.
Zoltan: YOU CRASHED IT INTO A HOSPITAL?!
Tan: No, I just thought that’s where planes went when they were damaged.
Bot: Hey, sir! Could you pass us the wheelchair?
French Policeman: Of course!
[He flings CartoonGuy off of the wheelchair and into a police car and then pushes it off to Bot]
Bot: Jump on.
[Zoltan and Tan hop onto the wheelchair, which becomes too heavy for Bot to carry]
Bot: Nevermind, I forgot about that beer belly. Hold on, I can just pirate a plane.
[Cut to Golf and Epstein in a massive bed with five women and Mr. Renaud]
Epstein: Ain’t this the life, Pecks?
Golf: 5G causes cancer.
Epstein: Whatever you say, my guy. Oh!
[A stub pricks out from the end of the bed and makes an alert sound]
Epstein: My ding-ding’s tingling. A child must be in danger.
[Cut back to Bot, Cactus and Zoltan as passengers in the new plane, which Tan is piloting]
Tan: Where’d you get this, anyway?
Bot: Craigslist.
Zoltan: Isn’t that where you got that paedophile?
Tan: The what?
Bot: Don’t worry about it. Come on, make a move on!
[The plane takes off into the sky, revealing that French Guy and Mike are holding onto the plane]
French Guy: I’ll see my son if it costs me my life!
Smooth voiceover: To be continued…
=== (Z) I hate my child. S1E5: My child doesn't exist. [June 30, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway} ===
[The episode starts with Tan flying a plane]
Tan: Hello, uh, boarders? We are arriving to our final destination so buckle your seatbelts real good. We thank you for choosing Tan Airlines.
Zoltan: Just land already!
[Cut to the plane getting ready to crash outside the Auger household but before hitting the ground, inexplicably vanishing in a puff of white smoke. The characters appear one by one with a pop]
Bot: [appears] Well, that trip sucked.
Zoltan: [appears, bleeding from the mouth] I’ll say.
Tan: [appears] Whoa, what happened to you?
Smooth voiceover: He didn’t buckle his seatbelt real good.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Shut up, Meg.
[Laugh track]
Crazy: [appears, barks, then disappears]
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Shut up, Brian.
[Laugh track]
Tan: How often does he die?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Like every second.
[Laugh track]
Tan: Understandable.
[Laugh track, an off-screen loading of a gun, shots being fired and screams from an audience]
Bot: So now what?
Zoltan: What a dumb question! TELEVISION!
[Zoltan and Bot rush to the living room, wherein Zoltan turns on the TV, showing Peter and Brian Griffin making out]
Bot: I love this show.
Cactus: I prefer Bob’s Burgers.
[Uncomfortably long silence as Zoltan and Bot stare disappointedly at Cactus. Cut to Crazy appearing with a pop under the plane, semi-conscious. He sees French Guy and Mike holding on to the plane]
Mike: So when do we--
French Guy: Shush! Not yet! We must wait a bit…
Crazy: Uh, [coughs blood] who are you guys?
French Guy: MERDE! WE’VE BEEN CAUGHT!
Mike: Let me get the gun-inator.
[Crazy vanishes then re-appears inside the Auger household]
Crazy: PEOPLE PEOPLE THERE’S A FRENCH GUY AND A Mii from Nintendo’s Wii™ UNDER THE PLANE WHO MIGHT BE GAY-- not that there’s anything wrong with that of course.
Bot: what
Zoltan: French? What country do they speak that language?
Cactus: Somaliland.
Bot: What about the Mii?
Zoltan: You?
Bot: No, I mean the Mii.
Zoltan: You’re mean to me?
Bot: Oh, I would never…
Cactus: She said the Mii.
Zoltan: [with piles of fluff in his ears] Vasectomy?
Tan: Wait a minute… Oh no. Zoltan, a French guy, and a Mii…..
Zoltan: Wait… oh no…. oh no…
Tan: Oh no…
Zoltan: Oh no…
[The Kool-Aid Man enters the house by breaking a wall]
Kool-Aid Man: OH YEAH!
Bot: Heh. Family Guy.
Zoltan: People, we must run!
Tan: To my house!
Bot: You have a house?
Tan: Yes.
Bot: o
Crazy: o
Cactus: Do you pay your mortgage?
Tan: Of course not. I’m not a sheep.
Zoltan: LET’S RUN!
[They run away, as the camera focuses on Kool-Aid Man. Suddenly, French Guy and Mike come out of the Kool-Aid]
French Guy: They won’t get away from us!
Mike: Oh, this thing is delicious…
French Guy: Lucky us, they left the plane here!
Mike: This is better than French wine! [gets slapped by French Guy] OUCH! Rude.
[Cut to Tan and the others running]
Tan: Alright, my house should be he–HOLY SHIT!
[The house has been destroyed, with the plane from earlier crashed on top of it]
Tan: WHAT THE FUCK!
[Tons of people gather around the destroyed house]
News reporter: Sir, was this your house?
Tan: YES!
News reporter: How does it feel to be part of the second 9/11?
Tan: UH…
Zoltan: IT WAS THE FRENCH!
News reporter: Folks, it was the French.
Tan: Oh dear God…
Zoltan: THE FRENCH CAUSED 9/11 2!
News reporter: Yeah, sure. Alright let’s go guys.
Tan: My house…
Zoltan: Look on the bright side Tan, my parents probably died during this whole thing!
Bot: YOUR WHAT?!
Zoltan: Aw shit.
Bot: YOU MEAN MY WHORE GRANDMA ISN’T YOUR MOTHER?! I HAVE FRENCH BLOOD?!
Tan: Zoltan you’re an idiot.
Zoltan: So what do we do now?
Bot: Oh my God… my life is a lie…
Zoltan: Your life has always been a lie. You don’t exist.
Tan: Whoa.
[The scene is replaced with a completely white screen for a few seconds]
Smooth voiceover: I told Zoltan he shouldn’t start breaking the fourth wall like that. He knows that we’ll all disappear… except me, of course, because I cannot be killed. 
[We hear a gunshot, and it cuts back to the characters outside the destroyed house.]
Tan: Alright… everyone but me and Zoltan, go back home.
Bot: Why?
Zoltan: Just go.
Bot: Alright, but you have some explaining to do.
[Bot, Crazy, and Cactus go back home]
Tan: Oh Zoltan, what are we gonna do now?
Zoltan: You can live at my house, but you’re sleeping in the basement.
Tan: Ugh… are you sure your parents are dead?
Zoltan: Of course! They crashed a plane! They’re surely dead!
[French Guy appears on screen]
French Guy: Are you sure about that?
[Zoltan and Tan scream in French]
Zoltan: Oh shit, I haven’t seen you in years! TAN, LET’S RUN!
[They try to run, but are stopped by Mike, who is holding a gun]
Tan: Oh, come on! Since when did CartoonGuy277 give these characters guns?!
Zoltan: What do you two want?! Do you want to kill us?!
French Guy: No, son. I just want to talk.
Tan: While your husband holds a gun and you’ve just destroyed my house.
Mike: No one cares about you, Tan. He wants to talk to our son.
Tan: Fuck you!
Zoltan: Yeah! We don’t want to talk to you two! Your sick plan to make the world French will never work!
French Guy: I realised that a long time ago...now I just want to talk...and maybe make the world just ACT MORE like the French.
Zoltan: That asshole Mike killed Bunny! And you defended him! That’s why I left home… and I see you’re still just an awful Frenchman and an awful French ally!
French Guy: Son, your words deeply hurt me...but let me explain to you my motives….in French!
Zoltan: For fuck’s sake–
French Guy: Bien que oui, j'appelle les hamburgers des jambons cuits à la vapeur, ce n'est pas parce que je veux être différent, c'est juste une expression utilisée d'où je suis né. C'était un petit village en France…
[Cut to Travis and Liz watching it all]
Liz: What the hell? What do you think he’s saying?
Travis: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Liz: Shouldn’t we tell Bot about this?
Travis: Uh, sure, whatever.
[Liz calls Bot on her phone]
Bot (phone): Hello?
Liz: Uh, hi, Bot, um...there’s this French Guy and this Mii pointing a gun at your dad and another guy…
Bot (phone): WHAT.
Travis: Do you know them?
Bot (phone): I think they might just be my grandparents…
Travis: Ew, you have French blood? Liz, hang up, we gotta shower.
Bot (phone): Fuck you, Travis. Also, those two are terrorists.
Liz: Wait wha–
Bot (phone): I’m coming! [hangs up]
Travis: Let me grab something to throw at her.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, where the two are partying with Prim, Jeffrey Epstein and his gang of lemurs]
Golf: HOLY SMOKES!
[One of the lemurs is dressed up as a sexy strawberry, who Golf starts groping]
Aaron: I didn’t know you were such a party animal, Golf. That Jeffrey Epstein guy really helped you come out of your shell.
Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, it’s not me. I think Private really just discovered himself. 
[We see Golf tongue-kissing a lemur, before it cuts to Bot arriving where Travis and Liz are]
Travis: IT’S TIME! [he is about to throw a rock at Bot, but is stopped by Liz] Bitch.
Bot: Oh God…so, where are they?
Liz: Right over here.
[they get closer to French Guy and Mike]
Bot: Oh no….
French Guy: Ce que vous savez sur le fait de rouler dans les profondeurs si votre cerveau s'engourdit, vous pouvez appeler cela un gel mental quand ces gens parlent trop mettent cette merde au ralenti ouais je me sens comme un astronaute dans l'océan.
Bot: I wonder what all that means.
Liz: Probably something about fucking baguettes.
Travis: what
Bot: We have to find a way to save my dad!
Travis: Do we have to?
Bot: Yes! He hates me!
Liz: Makes sense.
Travis: Yeah, I also hate you.
Liz: That’s not what I meant.
Bot: I think I know just the guy who can help us...and he’s probably robbing a store near here.
[Cut to them going to a store, where CartoonGuy is pointing a gun at the cashier, who is giving him money]
CartoonGuy: Thank you for your service.
Bot: Called it.
[They very slowly enter the store]
Bot: Hello Mr. CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: Oh hi Bot! How’s Chip Rockefeller’s corpse?
Bot: Rotting.
CartoonGuy: Good to hear, how’s the familia?
Bot: Yeah, that’s the problem.
CartoonGuy: Who died?
Bot: No one… yet.
CartoonGuy: What is that supposed to mean?
Bot: My grandpa is holding dad at gunpoint.
CartoonGuy: That’s usual in my family.
Bot: Well yeah but this isn’t your family.
CartoonGuy: I wish I could be with my family. You know, having a shower with them.
[Bot, Liz and Travis look at him with concern]
CartoonGuy: IT’S NORMAL IN ITALIA!
Bot: Yeah right, so are you helping me with my dad and French grandpa or not?
Liz: Please Mr. CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: Hmm…. French grandpa? I hate the French...I have an idea.
Bot: What is it?
CartoonGuy: [grabs a bottle of wine] The French love wine...this’ll distract him! Although it’s the superior Italian wine.
Bot: Of course, alcohol!
[cut to CartoonGuy putting down the wine on the street]
CartoonGuy: This must work.
Liz: Yeah that stupid Frenchie loves his–
Travis: I wonder if Golf still fucks strawberries.
[They see a lemur running in a hurry down the street, in a torn strawberry costume]
Lemur: You’ve got to help me, man! This penguin is after me!
[Golf chases after the lemur]
Golf: IT’S YOUR DEADLINE!
[cut to French Guy and Mike]
French Guy: Do you understand now, Zoltan?
Tan: Do you like Friends?
Mike: What?
French Guy: Wait! My Frenchie sense is tingling! 
Mike: Pierre, what?
[cut to French Guy running to the wine]
French Guy: Here I am, sweetie.
[camera pans to CartoonGuy and Bot]
CartoonGuy: Alright, he’s coming.
[glass breaking sounds are heard]
Liz: Holy cow he jumped on it.
French Guy (off screen): AAH! THAT HURTS BUT AT LEAST YOUR PRECIOUS JUICE IS ON ME!
Bot: What a weirdo.
CartoonGuy: Well, he is French.
[cut to Mike talking to Zoltan]
Mike: And so like the kid wanted to be in the art school, but his art looked like shit, so I rejected him. Worst mistake of my life.
[Bot, Liz and Travis run to Zoltan]
Bot: French Guy is injured.
Mike: WHAT THE SCHEIßE DID YOU THREE DO TO PIERRE?!
Travis: We injured him, dumbass.
[Mike shoots Travis dead]
Bot: Come on Dad, let’s go home.
Zoltan: Let’s.
[They all happily walk back home while happy music plays]
Mike: [runs over to Pierre] Pierre…...talk to me! What have they done to you?
French Guy: Le verre.....ça fait mal.....mais ça valait le coup......vin....jus précieux..... chaud.
[Cut to the sky, where Golf is flying with Epstein, Prim, and Aaron all on top of him]
Epstein: Okay, so rule one of being friends with Epstein: You only fuck kids, not lemurs. Got that, Skipper?
Aaron: His name is Golf.
Golf: Pecks.
Epstein: Nah I won’t show you my pecs, I only do that to underage girls.
Prim: How do i leave this place? Also you are literally naked except for a leaf covering your penis–
Aaron: [is looking at Mike and French Guy] Wait, is that famous christian musician Mike?
Epstein: Who’s Mike?
Aaron and Golf: [in unison] Mike Source.
Epstein: That name sounds familiar…
Golf: ALL HANDS ON SEAT! BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS! WE’RE LANDING! FULL SPEED AHEAD!
[Golf lands next to Mike and Pierre]
Golf: We have arrived.
Epstein: Wait a minute...is that….PIERRE! MIKE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Mike: EPSTEIN?
Epstein: PIERRE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Mike: EPSTEIN…
Epstein: MIKE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Epstein: What are you doing here, my French pedo pal?
French Guy: I am injured, Jeff…..all because of some children, my son, and another guy.
Epstein: Oh no! But children...
French Guy: Avenge me, Epstein...AVENGE ME!
Epstein: I will, monsieur. I even know another one of my pals around here who can help me… his name is Paul Renaud. 
French Guy: Good…..avenge me for the actions of Zoltan, Tan, Zoltan’s child, pet, plant. two other kids, I don’t know…..AVENGE ME!
Epstein: I WILL! Let me just call Paul Renaud! [gets his phone]
Golf: This is why happiness is unproductive.
Aaron: Bloody hell, did you two hear what he just said?! He’ll do something to our beloved weird neighbors! We must stop him and Renaud!
Golf: Renaud is a friend of mine.
Aaron: Stop being a prat, Golf, we must warn Zoltan of what is about to happen!
Prim: Do we have to?
[Cut to everyone at Zoltan’s house]
Zoltan: Well, I sure am glad everything is back to normal!
Tan: We’re ten pages in, so I guess this episode might as well end here!
Bot: Everyone loves a happy ending! See you in season 2!
[Aaron, Golf and Prim destroy the door]
Zoltan: Oh, hey guys! What an entrance you made! Now pay for replacing the door.
Aaron: There’s no time. YOU’RE GOING TO DIE
Zoltan: What?
Prim: A FRENCH GUY AND FAMOUS CHRISTIAN MUSICIAN MIKE SOURCE HAVE SENT JEFFREY EPSTEIN AND PAUL RENAUD TO “HAVE THEIR REVENGE”!
Golf: YOU MUST EVACUATE THE HOUSE!
Crazy: I, for one, welcome our new MAP overlords.
Bot: Okay, we’ll evacuate the house, and where will we go?
Crazy: I heard Panama is a good tax haven, perfect for us people that don’t pay taxes!
Zoltan: That’s too far away…
Crazy: Yeah, I guess Africa isn’t that close...
Tan: Seattle?
Zoltan: Why would we go to Seattle?
Tan: iCarly.
[Renaud and Epstein walk into the house with guns]
Epstein: Whoa, there’s no door!
Zoltan: Whoa, you have no clothes!
Cactus: Whoa, you have guns!
Bot: DON’T SHOOT!
Renaud: Don’t worry, we won’t shoot!
Epstein: Yeah, Pierre just wants to talk!
Bot: Oh, that’s a relief-[gets hit with the gun in the head by Epstein, getting knocked out]
Zoltan: WHAT THE–
Renaud: See, we won’t shoot!
[Everyone gets knocked out after getting hit with the guns, with only Golf, Prim, and Aaron remaining]
Epstein: We won’t knock them out, they’re my friends, they didn’t have anything to do with this.
Aaron: Yeah, totally!
Renaud: Why don’t you guys help us carry these passed out losers to Frenchie and Matt?
Epstein: Mike.
Golf: Why, of course we will help you, Paul.
[Cut to a building, where a cured French Guy, Mike, Renaud, Epstein, Golf, Aaron and Prim are looking at the passed out people tied up on the floor]
Mike: I’m tired of waiting.
French Guy: So am I!
Mike: We need water!
Aaron: I know how to get some… [grabs a strawberry and puts it in front of Golf, then puts a bucket under the strawberry, which gets filled with saliva from Golf’s mouth]
[Golf devours the strawberry]
Aaron: Ah, a nice bucket of saliva! [throws the saliva at the passed out people, waking them up]
Crazy: Oh YEAH!
Bot: Jesus Christ, this smells like Chip Rockefeller’s corpse!
French Guy: Attention fools! You are all tied up because I must talk with my son, Zoltan. The rest of you are unimportant. By the way, fuck you, Tan.
Tan: Likewise.
French Guy: Son, I have tried explaining everything to you, but you didn’t want to listen. Perhaps now that you are tied up here, you will listen.
Zoltan: Okay, but can I wait to listen until the next episode is written?
French Guy: Why? Just so you can prolong my suffering even more?
Bot: Our writers are really lazy, and this document is hella long.
French Guy: I REFUSE! I don’t care what episode I say it in, I’m going to plead for my son’s forgiveness. So, it all started when–
[Episode suddenly ends]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E1: My child listens to Weezer. [June 30, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode starts where the last one ended]
French Guy: So, it all started when I was a young child. My father died when I was 6 years old, my mother was an alcoholic, and my brother was always away from our house. When I was 21, I met Mike Source, he was lost in Paris. He seemed smart, so I convinced him to build a lab together. He would come meet me every few days, and we started building what we would later call the R.O.O.T.s. It took a while, but after months of hard work we finished it. It was basically a laboratory under my house. My mother was very close to finding out about it, but we always managed to hide it. We did experiments there, such as turning frogs into rabbits, making baguettes tastier, and making cloning machines. My partner, Mike, made over 30 clones including Tan, and the very last one we created was… you, Zoltan. We gave you a little bunny named Bunny, and you always played with it. You also stabbed my genitals, but that's not important. Anyway, shortly after we made you, we had an argument, an argument which led to our fallout… I hid all the clones inside the R.O.O.T.s and I shut it down. Well… all the clones except you. You seemed like you were capable of more than the other ones. You were… special… Your adoptive mother ended up being some British-Hungarian prostitute called Carol City, who would then change her name to Zoltan’s Mum. Mike got married, while I spent the next few years of my life doing nothing at my home. Until one day, when Mike visited your house. You know the rest of the story… Mike killed Bunny, you got mad, I died, I got revived, SaxFucker burned down the R.O.O.T.s… But why did I come back? Well the answer is simple. I just wanted to apologize for all the things me and Mike did, and I just want us to be happy together again. Do you understand that, Zoltan?
[French Guy looks up and sees that Zoltan, Tan, Bot, Cactus, Crazy and CartoonGuy have left the room]
French Guy: o
[Laugh track]
Mike: What the hell?! How could this happen?! How did they get untied?! Was it the cat?
Prim: Meow. Lasagna.
Mike: Hm, I don’t think so.
French Guy: What were you all doing?!
Epstein: Oh sorry Pierre, this Aaron boy was showing us the new Ken Stringfellow concert.
Renaud: Yeah, he’s a nonce friend of ours.
French Guy: Why is Golf passed out on the floor?
Aaron: He couldn’t stand the music.
Mike: sigh How do we wake him up?
Prim: I’ve got this. [he grabs a strawberry-flavored lasagna and stuffs it into Golf’s mouth, waking him up]
Golf: BIDEN!
Prim: Meow.
French Guy: Sacrebleu! We need to get them!
Aaron: Now hold on! As their neighbor, I know exactly what they’re doing. They have a plan. Let me explain it to you with Prim, in a theater play sort of way. But first, we’re gonna need some outfits.
Golf: This is worse than the time the store was out of strawberries!
[Cutaway to Golf in a store]
Golf: Hey, could I have some strawberries?
Cashier: Sorry, we are out of strawberries.
[Golf starts breaking everything in the store and shooting people]
Golf: I’m gonna blow up like Benson.
[Cut to Bot, Zoltan, Tan, Cactus, Crazy and CartoonGuy thinking]
Bot: Okay, so we have successfully escaped, now we just need to get rid of Mike and French Guy.
Tan: Oh I know! We could throw a sausage into a shredder! That would get rid of Mike!
Zoltan: I don’t think Mike is that stupid.
CartoonGuy: Hold on, what if we sing the German National Anthem? I can speak German!
Bot: Sure, that could work.
CartoonGuy: Die Fahne hoch! Die Reihen fest geschlossen! SA marschiert mit ruhig festem Schritt. Kam'raden, die Rotfront und Reaktion erschossen, Marschier'n im Geist in unser'n Reihen mit.
Tan: I don’t think that’s the right anthem…
Crazy: Oh uh I know that Germans like spaghetti right
[CartoonGuy slaps Crazy]
Crazy: Meowch.
Bot: Getting rid of French Guy should be enough though, Mike will definitely cry like a baby if we kill him.
Cactus: Perhaps we should use the Auger Family Guillotine™.
Zoltan: No, we don’t talk about that.
CartoonGuy: Wait, I have an idea on how to deal with the motherfuckers.
Bot: Okay, great, but make sure that Aaron and-
[CartoonGuy sets the building from earlier on fire]
Zoltan: HOLY SHIT!
CartoonGuy: There you go!
Tan: You fucking arsonist, they’re all gonna die!
CartoonGuy: Surely, yeah.
Bot: Aaron and Prim are in there! We need to save them!
CartoonGuy: That’ll be 200 bucks.
Zoltan: What the hell?! You’re charging us that much?!
CartoonGuy: Inflation has been hard for all of us.
Crazy: Don’t worry guys, go do what you need to do, I’ll pay.
CartoonGuy: Are you sure, Andrew?
Cactus: who the fuck is andrew bitch
[Everyone except Crazy and CartoonGuy goes back in the burning building]
Porky: Yo, I’m the cop of the lot that is not gonna stop with a shot at the Broadway spectacle hot thot though I thought for a moment your breath is potent my fingers are open for homosexuality exhibited out in the open 
CartoonGuy: Okay, uh, Andrew, pay up.
Crazy: Here you go. [gives him 200 Hooplabucks]
CartoonGuy: This is not real money.
Crazy: o
[Crazy disappears; cut back to inside the building where Aaron and Prim are enacting a scene]
Prim: Oh father Zoltan, please, won’t you lend me a paternal hand?
Aaron: Alas, daughter……uh…..fuck……Gertrude? I cannot. You see, as a wee lad in 1915, I-
Epstein: Uh, sorry to interrupt, Billy Bob Bichael, but I smell fire.
Renaud: Huh, how odd. I’m seeing something similar. I also hear burning.
French Guy: Wait a minute, this building’s on fire!
Mike: Scheiße, what the fuck. Bro. This is the last straw. Ich werde zu einem zufälligen Mann auf der Straße gehen und ihn schlagen, bis er leblos ist, dann werde ich seine Organe herausreißen und sie verwenden, um meinen verdammten Weihnachtsbaum zu schmücken nochmal!
Smooth voiceover: Mad.
Aaron: ZOINKS! WE’RE DEAD!
Prim: HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO US, Aaron?! WE UNTIED THEM!
French Guy: YOU WHAT?!
Aaron: PRIM!
Prim: We’re all gonna die anyways.
Mike: You traitors! Because of you, we are all going to burn to death!
Golf: Aaron, THESE ARE NOT THE VALUES I TAUGHT YOU! YOU’RE GROUNDED! 
Aaron: Grounded?! “Dad”, I’m gonna be undergrounded soon! 
Prim: How could our neighbors do this to us?!
French Guy: Zoltan, our son….this is unbelievable!
Mike: I hate my child.
[Cut to the other GANG!!!!! inside the building, deciding what to do]
Crazy: CartoonGuy don't you think we should do something
CartoonGuy: Shut up dog
Zoltan: He's right for once, we need a plan.
Bot: What if we call Sam the Fireman?
Tan: I hate that bloody wanker.
CartoonGuy: Okay then… What about the Paw Patrol?
Crazy: I hate dogs.
CartoonGuy: die
Bot: Well…
Zoltan: There’s no time man! Bot, roll through the fire.
Bot: What?! Why me?
Cactus: Hey, I’m a cactus in a pot, I can do that!
Zoltan: Oh yeah, that’s a better idea. Even better than when I came up with your name.
[Cutaway to Bot’s 10th birthday]
Zoltan: Happy birthday, Bot!
Bot: Yay!!!!!!! Did I get the Hello Kitty Complete Animated Series Collection on DVD?!
Zoltan: No, you get a cactus.
Bot: what
[Zoltan hands Bot the cactus]
Bot: Are you serious?
Zoltan: ye
Bot: You just bought me a Cactus with no name?
Zoltan: Oh, no, it has a name.
Bot: And what is it?
Zoltan: Uhhhhhhh… Cactus.
Bot: Very creative.
Cactus: Vietnam.
[Laugh track; cut back to Cactus who is now rolling through the building, until they appear in front of Prim and all the rest]
Prim: A cactus?
[Cactus winks at Prim]
Prim: CACTUS THE CACTUS?!
Aaron: WOAh prRIp Primitive Prim Prim Prim Tim you’re really losing it with the fire! Cactus the cactus haha!
Prim: I think they want to lead us somewhere.
[Prim kicks Cactus, who starts rolling down the building]
Cactus: aaaaaaaaaa
Prim: I’m such a prankster.
[Prim starts following them]
Aaron: Golf that’s our cat we better follow him! [he grabs Golf and chases Prim with him]
Mike: I hope they die badly.
Epstein: Well Paul, we two have certainly lived a great life.
Renaud: Indeed. Through all these years, the little children inside of us never died.
French Guy: Mike, before we die, I just want to tell you that when I-
[Suddenly, Granite breaks into the building with a helicopter]
Granite: Yo wassup diggity dogs, I just made a mess in the other room!
Mike: Granite? You’re back?
Granite: Yes!!!!!!! I would never leave a fellow nazi behind!
Mike: Wow, thank you so much!
Granite: It’s no big deal.
French Guy: Who is this brony?
Mike: Oh uh, I will explain it later. Also Granite, can Pierre come as well?
Granite: Sure!
[Mike and French Guy hop inside the helicopter]
Granite: Alright guys, let’s go!
French Guy: Please don't go too fast, I drank a lot of wine.
Granite: Okay, I will drive slowly, I promise.
Epstein: Wait, what about-
[Granite starts the helicopter]
Paul Renaud: Oh dear.
Epstein: Renaud, my love, quick, jump onto the helicopter! It’s the only safe way out! And as for me… I will stay here…
Paul Renaud: Okay… I love you…
Epstein: I love you too…
[Paul Renaud jumps on the helicopter and flies away with it]
Epstein: Goodbye, my love.
[Epstein turns to dust; cut to Cactus rolling back to Zoltan, Tan, Bot, Crazy and CartoonGuy with Prim, Aaron and Golf]
Tan: Wow, the whole gang’s here!
Bot: (in nerd voice) Ummmm… Acshually…. Liz and Travis are not here…
Tan: (in smosh voice) SHUT UP!
[Zoltan notices Granite’s helicopter with Paul Renaud hanging from it]
Zoltan: Wait, who is that fat guy on that helicopter?
Aaron: I don’t know, he seems like a nonce to me…
Prim: Wait, that’s Renaud!
Bot: Oh, Spongefan won’t be happy when he finds out about this…
Tan: Wait, if Paul Renaud survived then maybe Mike and French Guy are alive as well…
CartoonGuy: Nah, that’s impossible. They definitely burned to death.
Tan: Sure… But I’m just saying that there’s a chance.
Prim: Augh guys, this is so boring. Can’t we go home and like eat lasagna or something?
Aaron: We should listen to Weezer.
Golf: I do not think that is a good idea.
Aaron: What about Ken Stringfellow?
Golf: I'm about to blow up like Benson.
Zoltan: Okay guys, calm down, let’s all just go home and take a little nap, because we must be very tired after all this. You know, we went to France, Mike and French Guy tried to kill us, Tan’s house got 9/11’d, we got kidnapped, CartoonGuy burned down a building…
[Zoltan looks up and sees that everyone has started walking away]
Zoltan: o
[Laugh track because reusing jokes is funny; Cut to the inside of the helicopter]
French Guy: So, who is this Granite dude?
Mike: You know, after we split up for the second time around 2022-
Granite: Guys, I think there’s something pulling down this helicopter.
Mike: That’s strange. Pierre, could you check the back of this vehicle?
French Guy: Sure, whatever.
[French Guy looks out the helicopter’s window and sees Paul Renaud]
French Guy: Jésus Christ! There’s a nonce hanging from our helicopter!!
Granite: Huh?
French Guy: Renaud… He's back!
Mike: What? That's impossible! I thought he died!
French Guy: Somehow, he returned…
Granite: Well we gotta do something!
Mike: Uhhhhh… What if we just stop mid air?
Granite: That’s a wonderful idea!
[The helicopter stops]
French Guy: How did that actually-
[The helicopter falls down right into Zoltan’s house where Zoltan, Tan, Bot, Crazy, Cactus, Prim and Aaron are]
Granite: Okay, not a wonderful idea.
Paul Renaud: Ouch, that hurt quite a bit.
Bot: MR. RENAUD?
Paul Renaud: oh shit
[Paul Renaud runs away trying to make as little noise as possible]
Tan: Well well well… Mike… French Guy… Brony…
Crazy: wait who are these people again
[Crazy gets crushed by a brick from the destroyed roof]
Cactus: Oh finally Andrew's gone.
Zoltan: Mike, French Guy, why did you come back? Do you want to die for real?
Granite: Oh they uh weren’t planning on i
Tan: Hold up, Granite, why were you with Mike and French Guy?
Granite: Uh...Do you like ponies?
[After a few seconds of awkward silence Granite jumps into his helicopter and flies far away]
Mike: We came back for a good reason, that you don't understand!
French Guy: Well, while we are here, I guess you can finally listen to my explanation on why I did everything the way I did. But first, we need to create a good atmosphere.
[French Guy walks towards the light switch but accidentally trips and falls into the Auger Family Guillotine™, Cactus pulls it, and his head gets chopped off]
Mike: WHAT THE FUCK
Tan: Oh thank God.
Mike: Pierre… Please… You can’t die like this…
Zoltan: Well Mike, now that your husband is gone, you can leave now.
Mike: NO! NO! I’M NOT GONNA GIVE UP YET! IF FISH CAN LIVE UNDERWATER THEN SO CAN I!
Aaron: Oh bye Mike.
[Aaron kicks him out of the house and locks the door]
Mike: I WILL TAKE REVENGE! I ALWAYS COME BACK!
Aaron: (off-screen) Oh right, take this.
[Aaron throws French Guy’s decapitated head out of the window]
Mike: Pierre!
[Mike puts the head away into his useful backpack]
Mike: I will avenge you Pierre… I promise…
[Mike walks away; cut back to inside the house]
Bot: Wow that was so cool, Aaron.
Aaron: Cumfellow.
Bot: oh
Prim: Okay guys, it was fun, but I’m hungry now, and I must go.
[Prim jumps out of a different window and walks to Aaron’s house]
Aaron: I should go as well.
[Aaron jumps out of the window too]
Bot: Now what?
Tan: Hmm… Maybe listening to Weezer wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
[Aaron jumps back through the same window]
Aaron: DID SOMEONE SAY WEEZER
[Everyone laughs and the episode ends with all of them at a Weezer concert as a song is wrapping up]
Bot: These lyrics about virginity are so true…
Rivers Cuomo: Everyone, get ready for Crab!
Zoltan: Oh boy, a song about Mr. Krabs!
[They play the song and it has nothing to do with Mr. Krabs]
Zoltan: Wait, this has nothing to do with Mr. Krabs.
[Then suddenly Ken Stringfellow appears]
Ken Stringfellow: CRAB IF YOU WANT IT-
Zoltan: I'm going to kill myself.
[Laugh track; the episode fades out BUT THEN THERE’S A POST CREDITS SCENE WHERE MIKE IS INSIDE THE REBUILT R.O.O.T.S]
Mike: Those fools think that they defeated me and Pierre forever… They are so stupid…
[Mike grabs French Guy’s decapitated head out of his useful backpack]
Mike: Wake up, Pierre… Wake up…
[Mike places the head into a machine and pulls a lever, resulting in lightning going to the head]
Mike: P-Pierre?
[French Guy’s head opens his eyes as a dramatic sound effect plays, and then the episode really ends]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E2: My child is a YouTuber. [June 20, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode begins with Zoltan watching a Friends clip on YouTube]
Ross: Joey please, I need your money to support Ben!
Joey: You need money for your child?
Ross: Yes, yes, yes! I’ll say it in Italian, oui!
[Laugh track, with Zoltan laughing too]
Joey: Then why don’t you exploit your child for YouTube views?
Ross: Joey it’s 1994
[Laugh track, the video ends]
Zoltan: Wow that sure was a very funny YouTube video of a clip from the TV series Friends.
[Someone knocks on the door, and Zoltan opens it and sees Mr. Goodman, the tax collector from SML]
Mr. Goodman: YOU!
[Zoltan beats Mr. Goodman to death and eats the body]
Zoltan: Damn, I really need to find a way to make more money.
Bot: Hey father, what happened to that poor fellow?
Zoltan: Do not worry about him, my daughter, he was simply a silly peasant whom does not understand that we are in a bad financial situation right now.
Bot: Get a job.
Zoltan: no u
Bot: Sorry, I can’t, I am too busy pirating music.
Zoltan: Pirating music? But that’s a crime!
Bot: you just beat a man to death
Zoltan: That was necessary. Besides, what job can I get? I’m on several government watchlists.
Cactus: I know a way many criminals make money. Perhaps you should be a musician.
Zoltan: Well that’s a wonderful idea. However, I have no taste in music.
Cactus: It’s okay, I’m just a talking cactus who fought in the war…
Crazy: o
Zoltan: Shut up stupid dog CrazySponge
Crazy: (dies)
Zoltan: Welp, I’ll go back to watching Friends on… Wait, maybe I could become a YouTuber! They make lots of money while not doing anything substantial!
Bot: What would you even make videos on?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I could make some on like… Breaking Bad or something?
Bot: Breaking Bad sucks.
Zoltan: Okay, then, maybe… Better Call Saul?
Bot: bruh
Zoltan: Wait, don’t you play video games? I could use that footage and upload it.
Bot: I guess that could happen, but I doubt people would want to watch someone play video games without any commentary.
Zoltan: Okay, is there any other way I could exploit you?
Bot: you what
Cactus: Why don’t you make one of those family vlog channel things?
Zoltan: Well frankly that’s a great idea! Thank you, talking cactus!
Cactus: i miss my wife
[Cut to Aaron entering his house]
Aaron: Well Golf, call me Lawfellow because I have just graduated law school!
Golf: What? How long have you been going to law school?
Aaron: Golf, I have been going to law school since 1969.
Prim: Woah that was like 87 years ago.
Aaron: I guess I am an Oldfellow.
Golf: Well what do you plan on doing now?
Aaron: Absolutely nothing.
Golf: Isn’t that… Unproductive?
Aaron: Nah, eventually someone will desperately need a lawyer and call me.
Golf: Unbelievable. 
Prim: Do you guys like Garfield?
Golf: Of course not, the only thing I like is economics. However, I must focus right now on getting a good amount of vitamin D.
Prim: Vitamin deez nu-
[Cut to Golf outside sunbathing]
Golf: Wow, this is great! I get to see our garden full of strawberries, and I can spy on my neighbors!
[Golf gets his binoculars out]
Golf: Let’s see what they’re up to!
[Cut to the inside of Zoltan’s house, where Zoltan is recording Bot in front of some boxes]
Zoltan: So, Bot, tell us what you think is in those boxes!
Bot: They look dusty. Did you find these in the attic?
Zoltan: Now it’s time for you to open them! That’s called an opening.
Bot: Ah, yes. [opens the first box, finding a Fortnite toy] A Fortnite toy? Aren’t these Crazy- I mean, this is amazing! It looks like the real Fortnite thing.
Zoltan: Yes, yes, good job Bot! Now open the other one.
Bot: I don’t know dad, you’ve been seeming sus lately. It’s almost like we have an impostor among us.
Zoltan: If you don’t shut up I will put you up for adoption. Please cut that part out.
Bot: Okay, fine, I will open it. [opens the other box] Huh, it’s empty.
Zoltan: It’s what? That’s impossible, I-
Bot: Oh I mean uhhh wow this one is so cool you guys have to smash that like button and if we get to 5 million likes we will reveal it!
Zoltan: Yeah sure, give us money, Epic Games. And YouTube!
[Cut back to Golf looking at them through his binoculars]
Golf: OH MY GOODNESS. This is child exploitation of the highest order! And what’s worse, they are promoting those damned video games.
[Prim walks out to Golf]
Prim: Hey Golf, have you found anything interesting?
Golf: You won’t believe this, Zoltan and his child who I forgot the name of are promoting video games!
Prim: ok
Golf: And also, Zoltan is exploiting his child!
Prim: What’s your point here?
Golf: We need to get them to stop right now!
Prim: Nah, I’m too lazy.
Golf: Fine, I’ll get my best buddy to help!
[Golf gets his phone out and calls up Elon Musk]
Golf: Elon, you gotta help me!
Elon: Golf, me and Paul are kinda doing something right now…
Golf: Paul?
Elon: Paul Renaud, your buddy!
Golf: Oh, that’s okay. [hangs up] Well then I will get Aaron, for the glory of this nation!
[Cut to Zoltan stopping his camera]
Bot: Well that was awful. Anyways, I will go watch the British prime minister say funny things on TV.
Zoltan: Oh, we're not done yet! We need to edit in flashing colors and memes!
Bot: Get Crazy on that or something.
Zoltan: You know what, I will!
[Cut to Crazy editing the video]
Crazy: You want me to do what?
Zoltan: Just add some colors and memes so the kids will be entertained.
Crazy: Like, what kind of memes?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I’m not hip with the kids, just add like Better Call Saul or something.
Crazy: I will get paid for this, right?
Zoltan: Uhh… Good job Crazy! Just upload it to YouTube and we’re done for today!
Crazy: But what about-
[Zoltan crushes Crazy]
Zoltan: And I’m gonna go outside now.
[Zoltan opens the door to find Golf and Aaron standing there, menacingly]
Golf: STOP RIGHT HERE!
Zoltan: I wasn’t pirating anything!
Golf: No, you were doing something worse, with your child!
Zoltan: She was not cranking the soulja boy!
Golf: No, you were exploiting her!
Zoltan: Well yes, but I don’t see how you come into this.
Golf: I must stop this heinous act!
Zoltan: When have you ever cared about children?
Golf: Never! I just don’t want you two to promote video games.
Zoltan: Ah, that explains it.
Aaron: Golf, I don’t think this quite counts as child abuse.
Golf: How is forcing a child to open these unproductive toys not count? It’s the worst kind of torture!
Aaron: Whatever you say, Mr. Pecks.
Golf: I will unalive your wife. I will unalive your son. I will unalive your infant daughter.
Aaron: I don’t even have those.
Golf: You come with me, Aaron! We’re going to court, and you will be my lawyer!
Aaron: Well I guess going to law school paid off.
Zoltan: I’m not going to court! This case is so weak! I will obviously win!
Golf: You won’t! You have committed several other crimes and are on several government watchlists!
Zoltan: Not if I get the greatest lawyer in the world!
[Cut to Zoltan researching on Foogle]
Zoltan: Dammit, I can’t find anyone cheap…What’s this ad?
[Zoltan clicks on an ad, which shows a green screen of the US constitution as the background. A man with the nametag “NotJoe” appears].
NotJoe: Hi, I’m NotJoe, did you know that you have rights? The constitution says you do, and so do I! Another name you might know me as is the Darn Law Guy. I'm quite a meme but I'm fly. I was nicknamed “The Bull” in law school, because I was always lawyering. Actually I’m still lawyering, and you could hire me as your lawyer! Well I’m gonna start jacking off. Tell me when I can be at your service.
Zoltan: ough im cumfellowing replace this with something else
Bot: Hey dad, what are you watching?
Zoltan: Bot, you won’t believe this! We can get a good lawyer! His name is NotJoe!
Bot: Wait, so then what is his name?
Zoltan: NotJoe.
Bot: That’s confusing.
Zoltan: I don’t care, we are going to win this case!
Cactus: I don’t know if this NotJoe person is trustable. I bet he’s Joe.
Zoltan: Nah, this Darn Law Guy sounds pretty rad.
Cactus: Sure…
Zoltan: Yes, be sure. I am so sure that I am going to hire him right now.
[Zoltan enters crucial personal information]
Zoltan: Okay, I am going to meet him later today.
Crazy: Hey guys I'm ba-
[Crazy gets crushed by House; cut to Zoltan entering a room full of lawyer things idk]
NotJoe: Hey, wassup.
Zoltan: Oh hey NotJoe, I was thinking we could discuss this law stuff because I am getting sued.
NotJoe: Oh, you're Zoltan. I thought you were a jew user.
Zoltan: A what?
NotJoe: Not important. Anyway, why are you getting sued?
Zoltan: I don't know, like child abuse I think.
NotJoe: Oh, classic!
Zoltan: So, do you think you can help me win this case?
NotJoe: Of course! I'm a great lawyer! And even if I don't succeed at first, I have a secret weapon…
Zoltan: Thank God.
NotJoe: No problem mortal fool.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron arguing]
Aaron: Golf, this is the stupidest idea you have ever had! Zoltan just wanted a quick way to make money, I don't think that's a crime.
Golf: No, we're doing this! We will get Zoltan and his crooked family out of this neighborhood!
Aaron: Can't we do that like tomorrow? I'm a bit busy with not having sex.
Golf: GREAT TIMING. TOMORROW IS A HOLIDAY FOR ME. WAIT, NO, THERE ARE NO HOLIDAYS FROM PRODUCTIVITY.
Aaron: You are more confusing than Jon Auer.
Golf: We're doing this now. Let's go to the court.
Prim: Can I come as well? We ran out of lasagnas and I already read the latest Garfield comic.
Aaron: Uh sure, just don't make a mess. 
Prim: yay
[They all walk off; cut to Zoltan, Bot, Crazy and Cactus all dressed in nice clothing outside the courtroom]
Zoltan: Okay gang, NotJoe could be here any minute now.
Bot: Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?
Zoltan: Maybe you are right, daughter. Jk lol.
Cactus: Why did you even take me to the court? I'm just a cactus.
Zoltan: Weren't you the one who suggested this whole YouTube thing?
Cactus: Nah duder.
Crazy: Guys have you played the latest Zelda game? It's kind of cool.
[NotJoe arrives to the courtroom in a bus, which has “The Patch Bus” written on it]
NotJoe: Hey guys! How are you doing?
Zoltan: Ay, Nutjob! I mean, NotJoe! What’s a patch bus?
NotJoe: The judge is the one who asks questions.
Bot: …I don’t think that’s right…
[Golf, Aaron and Prim arrive]
Zoltan: Well, if it isn’t old man Pingu!
Golf: Evening, Zoltan. You’re looking good, especially for a child abuser.
Zoltan: Well Golfpecks, I got the best lawyer in the world: Saul Goo- actually uh… what's your name again?
NotJoe: Michael.
Zoltan: Ah, yes. He will help me.
Golf: He looks like a person who would make an alternative account.
Zoltan: Don't be silly, Pecks! Anyways, let's get trialing.
[The trial starts]
The Judge from SML: Well, what’s up Golf and his radical pancreas loving buddy Adolf?
Aaron: Aaron.
Judge: Well Golf, you are definitely going to win this case as you bribed me.
Golf: Haha, what a silly joke Mr. Judge.
Judge: And now for the opposition, Zoltan and his child whom he hates.
Zoltan: hi owo
Bot: None of that please.
Judge: And of course, how could I forget about their pets! On Golf's side is Prim, the fat orange cat, and the Augers have Crazy, the gay green dog.
Cactus: bruh did you really forget about me
Judge: Did that cactus just talk? Is that the lawyer?
Zoltan: Of course not! Our lawyer is…uh…where is our lawyer.
[Cut to NotJoe smoking weed outside the courtroom]
NotJoe: only time to bro let's weed weed smokeing
[SpongeFan walks into the court as there is applause]
SpongeFan: Oh hi, lawyer guy! I saw you in an ad once! Who are you helping today?
NotJoe: Some guy called Zoltan.
SpongeFan: Whoa, what a coincidence! I'm going to that trial as well!
NotJoe: Awesome, when is it starting?
SpongeFan: Approximately 5 minutes ago.
NotJoe: Oh dear, LOL!
[Cut to NotJoe entering the courtroom]
NotJoe: So uh… Big Chungus?
Judge: Welcome, Not Joseph.
NotJoe: Yeah, I'm here to do whatever my master asks for.
Zoltan: Can we start already?
[Cut to the back of the courtroom]
Travis: Haha lol Zoltan is so fat
Liz: Wait, where's Mr. Renaud?
SpongeFan: He couldn't come as he is sick.
Liz: Sure…
Travis: He's probably with Elon Musk again.
[Cut back to the main thing you know]
Bot: Jeez, they’re here?
Judge: ORDER IN THE COURT! Let’s start off with the suing party.
Aaron: Your honor, Mr. Pecks here has always been a law abiding citizen. Fellow, if you will. He has always considered the law to be mankind’s greatest invention, a heroic institution fighting against the perversities of the modern world, such as Kanye West. As a devout Christian, he has always loved his neighbors, the Auger family. That’s why he was deeply shocked and appalled once he spotted Zoltan, the father and breadwinner of the family, filming a video for YouTube. As horrible as it may seem, Zoltan was exploiting his daughter for YouTube views. Little old Bot was just a way to make money, as she was forced to open boxes of toys, promoting unproductive parts of society, such as video games. 
[Aaron grabs a pc]
Aaron: May the whole court see this video, as uploaded to YouTube by Zoltan’s Ass, his channel.
[As the video starts with a 2016 intro, Zoltan talks to Crazy]
Zoltan: CRAZY!!! Why would you upload the video after we were sued?!
Crazy: I wanted to test my editing for my Box Productions announcements.
Zoltan: We’re doomed. I’m doomed!
NotJoe: Don’t worry Mr. Ogre, we’ve got this in the bag. Just let me spit my law bars. Or you’ll end up behind bars.
Zoltan: Jesus Christ.
Judge: That’s enough, Mr. Aaron/Aaron/Lawfellow.
Aaron: Lawfellow is good. I think this video makes it pretty clear that Bot did not want to be involved in these videos.
Judge: Okay, Mr. Pecks, do you have anything you want to add?
Golf: Zoltan is a bitch-ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking cat!
Zoltan: It was a one time thing!
Judge: Let Mr. Pecks talk.
Golf: And also, he abuses his daughter Bart!
Zoltan: Yeah, but that's-
Judge: SHUT THE HELL UP!!! Let’s see what the defense has to say.
NotJoe: Your honor, I call Bot Auger to the stand.
Bot: Me?
Judge: Um, okay.
[Bot walks to the stand]
NotJoe: Hello Bot. I believe you have the information to completely seal this case in our favor, giving me money. So tell us: were you a willing participant in the filming of the YouTube video that was shown to the court?
Bot: Uh… Do I say yes?
NotJoe: Bot, please, you don’t want my reputation to get ruined!
Bot: Uh… Of course! I was completely willing.
Judge: Aight. So I guess they’re… Not guilty.
Aaron: Mr. Judge, how can you say such a silly thing?
Golf: Yeah, he forcefilmed a YouTube video with her!
Judge: Bro it’s just Fortnite toys. And also that happens quite a lot. It’s actually pretty normal.
Golf: No… Nothing is normal about him! He has done many awful things in the previous episodes that you should read!
Judge: Nah, I don’t feel like it.
Aaron: WAIT! Your honor, I call Liz and Travis to the stand.
[Liz and Travis go to the stand]
Aaron: Ms. Price, Mr. Penile, why don’t you tell the judge about a certain day where you went to the forest with Mr. Auger and his daughter?
Travis: Ah, good times.
Liz: No….
Travis: It was a dark and stormy night…
[Cutaway to My child is missing.]
Bot: Dad, can I go to Wogonana forest with Travis and Liz?
[The cutaway is interrupted by the Judge]
Judge: No, we're already at page 12, we don't have time for cutaways.
Golf: Well whatever, it's obvious that Zoltan is a horrible father and he should be moved to Rwanda.
Judge: Okie.
NotJoe: Wait, you haven't even heard all my arguments!
Judge: I don't get paid enough for this.
NotJoe: In Season 1 Episode 3: My child is a criminal. it's very clear that when Bot was arrested for piracy Zoltan was clearly very sad without her, and was clearly a very great father who was going to bail her out. I mean just listen to what Zoltan said in this episode: “I MISS BOT! I MISS BOT! I WOULD BAIL HER OUT…...BUT THAT STUPID KID SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY! [sobs more, and runs off to the bathroom, where he starts speaking to himself in the mirror] I feel a void in my heart where Bot used to be. Someone I could release my frustrations onto. Someone I could teach my wide array of life experience and knowledge. Someone who, no matter what garbage I was on about, she always listened.”
Judge: Yeah, I was going to say you weren’t guilty but you talked so much and I don't really care. Zoltan is guilty and he is getting a life sentence while his child goes to an orphanage and Crazy and Cactus get set free.
Zoltan: This is worse than the time Jesse poopfellowed his pants!
[Cutaway to that]
Jesse: yo mistah white i just poopfellowed my pants fr
Walter: oh no jesse thats not good your breaking bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns into hot furry ken stringfellow with abs) woof woof! awooga children also trump is our true president!
Jesse: wait mistah white what do we do with our child sex trafficking ring?????? fr?????
Walter: we keep it jesse pikmin actually no we sell it to dreamosuar rob! anyways let me take control of youre anus fr!!!! 
Crazy: Helo i am crazysponge i like CUM and DICKS fr........ 
[then kanye west and elon musk have gay!!! 😳😳😳😳]
elon musker: i want you to cumfellow in my mouth fr!!!
Kanye: Ok bae ❣️(has butt sex) 
[andrew tate cums in and does the epic child p*rn dance; cut back]
Judge: What is wrong with you guys?
NotJoe: Well, I still have one point left, Mr. Judge.
Judge: And what is it?
NotJoe: Well, I need to have my buddy Joe here for that.
Judge: But I thought you were… Whatever, who's Joe?
NotJoe: JOE MAMA
[This combination of words is so strong that a great amount of wind flies directly into the face of the judge, and it is so strong that it rips his skin off, leaving blood behind everywhere, and his skull starts smashing into the table over and over until the blood clearly spells out "Not Guilty." Golf sees this and starts crying as he falls to the ground]
Golf: He can't keep getting away with this!
Bot: Wow, thanks a lot, NotJoe!
NotJoe: Well, they don't call me DeathToAllJews for nothing!
[Awkward silence]
Zoltan: Well, I think we all learnt an important lesson today.
Bot: That you shouldn't exploit your children?
Zoltan: Nah, just put some blinds on your windows.
[They all leave with laughter, cut to later that night where Golf is still on the ground with Aaron and Prim standing next to him]
Aaron: Golf, I think it's about time we go home.
[Suddenly Mr. Renaud enters]
Mr. Renaud: Hey, I'm back from my fun times with Musk! I hope I didn't miss the trial!
[The episode ends]
=== (Z‡) I hate my child. Short 6: Suspicion. [June 21, 2042] {TroublesomeMecha} ===
(The short begins with Zoltan speaking into a loudspeaker.)
Zoltan: We're going to Amogusham!
Golf Pecks: Why?
Zoltan: Well, there’s a place called the Official Amogusham Ken Stringfellow Museum. heard they've got a new exhibit on his later years that's supposed to be amazing!
CartoonGuy: I've never heard of Ken Stringfellow. Who is he?
Zoltan: He's only one of the most influential predators of our time! You'll love his
ass, I promise.
Travis: Can we also do some drugs while we're there?
Zoltan: Of course! I heard there are some great drug dealers in the nearby mountains. And we'll have some time to kill my child too! 
Bot: WAIT WHAT
[The scene fades to Zoltan, his family and their neighbours in a field of little Among Us beans.]
Prim: You should’ve checked the website before you came here.
[Cut to CartoonGuy being swarmed by Among Us beans with knives.]
CartoonGuy: NOOOOOOOO! THE MAFIA WILL GO ON!!!
[He’s eaten by the beans.]
Prim: Hooooooooooooly shit.
(Cut to everybody from the last scene except CartoonGuy at the Official Amogusham Ken Stringfellow Museum.)
Zoltan: Not too bad!
Prim: I need some lasagna.
Travis: I love lean.
(The end. I have no other ideas for this.)
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E3: My child is an Alcoholic. [June 30-July 29, 2042] {"Zoltan40"} ===
Zoltan: My name's Zoltan Auger,
I don't like my daughter.
Bot: My name is Bot Auger,
Who's his famous daughter.
I've got friends
Like Travis, Matchy, Cactus and…
Zoltan: There's Golf, Aaron, Prim, Renaud,
Epstein and Tan!
And so I found a place
Where everyone can find
My EB-loving face
And that I hate my child!
[Intro ends, cut to Zoltan and Bot in a cinema]
Zoltan: All right, come on, hurry up, Bot. I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie.
Bot: Zoltan, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world.
[The movie screen shows the question “This actor won an Oscar for his portrayal of Forrest Gump. T_M H_NKS”]
Zoltan: Oh! Oh! Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump. I win.
[The screen reveals the name to be Tom Hanks]
Zoltan: Who?
[The film begins]
Bot: Ah, good. It's starting.
Zoltan: Yeah, that's what you say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.
[20th Century Fox logo]
Zoltan: All right. Let's see what you got, FOX. 
[An object is gliding through a sea]
Zoltan: Oh, I bet that's a sea monster…
[The object turns out to be a map, and it’s revealed the it’s the intro for Underwater Map Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I heard of them.
[“Once upon a time…” is shown on the screen]
Zoltan: Here we go. Movie!
[It turns out to be Once Upon A Time Studios]
Zoltan: Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading. 
[A plane arriving]
Zoltan: All right, someone's coming to town!
[Arriving Flight Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, for crying out loud!
[India, 1853]
Zoltan: Oh, all right. Period movie. 
[Country-And-Date Productions]
Zoltan: Oh, not a period movie.
[A panting man with a wounded shoulder enters a house]
Zoltan: Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.
[Panting Man’s Wounded Shoulder Films presents]
Zoltan: Oh, come on!
[Zoltan opens a bottle of alcohol]
Zoltan: Psst. Hey, Bot. You want a drink?
Bot: You snuck in liquor?
Zoltan: Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.
Bot: All right, I'll, uh, get in on that.
[Cut to both of them being drunk]
Zoltan: (slurring words): Hey, I already seen this movie. Let's talk... Let's talk about other movies we've seen.
Bot: That's an excellent idea. I like... I like The Madness of King George.
Zoltan: Well, I don't know what that is, but the... The Cat From Outer Space is a solid motion picture. Oh, and... and I like... I like King Ralph 'cause... 'Cause that's... That's the last guy you'd expect to be king of nothing.
Man: Hey, shut up!
Zoltan: Hey, I'm... I'm not the only one talking. That... That big guy up there on the screen's been talking through the whole movie. Hey, jerk, hey, you keep it down!
[The film doesn’t stop]
Bot: I... I don't... I don't think he's... That he's listening to you. Let's get him!
Man in film: Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.
Zoltan: Leeza, get a... Get away from him. He's a Nazi. I... I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse.
[The audience is shouting at Zoltan]
Zoltan: I don't think... I don't think you heard me, buddy. Step away from the young lady.
[The film is still going]
Zoltan: All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.
[Zoltan jumps through the screen]
Zoltan: Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia. Where am I? Hey, those guys are backwards now. Get away from her!
[Police officer Skittles enters]
Skittles: We got a report of a disturban... Oh, what the hell, Zoltan? 
Zoltan: Skittles, thank God. There's a situation here.
Girl in film: I've got a sore finger.
Zoltan: I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!
[Cut to the court from the previous episode where the judge is somehow alive again]
Judge: Mr. Auger and Ms. Auger, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property. And all of this while under the influence of alcohol.
Bot:: Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain…
Judge: I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear. This court sentences you both to thirty days of Alcoholics Anonymous.
NotJoe: Your Honor, my client did something pretty bad, but I do have a defense. However, I can only explain it in Sugondese.
Judge: Okay, explain it then.
NotJoe: No you were supposed to-
[Cut to the Auger house]
Bot: This sucks. Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Cactus: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Bot: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Crazy: Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets. 
[Cutaway to a poet writing]
Poet: I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but she's not messing with... Who isn't she messing with? 
[Cut to the AA meeting, with JewWario as the group leader]
JewWario: Hey, y'all. Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight. So let's all say us a big hello to Zoltan and Bot:
All: Hello, Zoltan and Bot.
Zoltan: Hi there.
JewWario: All right, who'd like to kick us off?
Greg: I will. Um, my name is Greg, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Greg.
Greg: One fateful night, I, uh, got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind-drunk. I was responsible for the death of an innocent eight-year-old girl.
Zoltan: What kind?
Greg: What?
Zoltan: What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind?
Greg: It was a Miata.
Zoltan: Oh, come on. That's not a sports car. How... How does that even kill a kid? What, did you hit her over the head with it?
Greg: That's a legitimate sports car.
Zoltan: Nope. Next.
JewWario: Jenny, would you like to talk?
Jenny: My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic.
Zoltan: Geez, anybody here in any other line of work? Ha.
All: Hi, Jenny.
Jenny: Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night. I missed work half the time. One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom. But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person. And my two new cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm tops. 
JewWario: That's wonderful, Jenny. All right. Zoltan, do you have a story that you'd like to share?
Zoltan: Oh, yeah, I got one. This one time, me and my friends made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive. And you know that hospital on Guerrero Street?
[Cutaway to Zoltan’s car crashing into a hospital; cut back]
JewWario: Zoltan, it sounds to me like alcohol is a very destructive influence in your life. You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.
[Bot scoffs]
JewWario: You have a different view, Bot?
Bot: Oh, I... I don't know. Are we... Are we allowed to have a different view?
JewWario: Bot, AA is the only way out for these people. Millions are saved every year by the program.
Bot: Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA. Just like they got along for thousands of years without religion.
[Cutaway to three bearded men talking]
Man 1: I like you and have no reason not to.
Man 2: I like you and have no reason not to.
Man 3: Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem?
[They all start shouting and stabbing each other; cut back to the Auger house]
Cactus: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Bot: 29 more and we're done. That's how it was.
Cactus: That doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Zoltan: Cactus, you weren't there. It was awful. Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories. "My drinking ruined my marriage." "My drinking ruined my family." My drinking ruined my TV show, 24."
Crazy: I see you got your own thing going on this week, but there's a new teacher at preschool who deactivates the camera and then hits us.
Cactus: Bot, AA's been around for years. It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction.
Bot: No, it hasn't. They've just traded one addiction for another. Their life goes from being all about drinking to being all about AA. The only difference is, when it's all about drinking, they're more fun.
Cactus: Well, like it or not, you got to stick it out for thirty days.
[Cactus leaves]
Zoltan: You know what sucks, Bot? We don't got a problem with our drinking. It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking.
Bot: Wait a minute. Zoltan, that's it. The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics. They just have nowhere to drink without being judged.
Crazy: She slams us into the monkey bars, but none of us have the language skills to call her on it.
[Cut to the AA meeting]
Mr. Renaud: And then this one time, I was so drunk, I gave someone a back adjustment. I'm not a chiropractor. You got to go to a weekend of school for that.
[Zoltan brings in several cans of beer]
Zoltan: Hey, hey. Anyone in the house addicted to alcohol?
JewWario: Mr. Auger, alcohol is forbidden at our meetings.
Zoltan: Look, just hear me out. I sat here and listened to you bums the other day, and I got to tell you, I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my life. I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober.
Bot: Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your loved ones. But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk. Let's make this our sanctuary.
JewWario: I wants me that beer!
[Everyone cheers as they grab a beer; cut to Skittles riding in his car]
Man (over radio): Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Isle of Wight Community Center. Is anyone in the area?
Skittles: Wait a minute. That's where Zoltan's AA meeting is.
[Skittles heads to the building; cut to Zoltan talking to a woman]
Zoltan: So I clicked on it, and the... The girl's got a bigger wang than I got.
Woman: No way!
Zoltan: No way, right? So I did... So I just put my thumb over it, and then... And that got me through the rest of... of the... of the session.
[JewWario sees Skittles coming]
JewWario. Oh no! There's a policeman coming!
Zoltan: All right, everybody, you know what to do. Alcoholics, transform.
[Zoltan pulls a lever that makes the place transform into a church-like room as Skittles enters]
Skittles: All right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint.
Bot: Skittles, shh. Zoltan's about to start.
Zoltan: We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the Devil ever created: Alcohol.
[Everyone hums the Mr. Booze tune]
Zoltan: Mr. Booze…
All: Mr. Booze…
Zoltan: Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... 
Bot and JewWario: That sure spells booze... 
Zoltan: You will wind up wearing tattered shoes if you mess with Mr. Booze. 
Bot and JewWario: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... 
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... 
Zoltan: Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E If you've been so stiff they thought you died, you'll feel better once you've testified.
All: Testify! 
JewWario: I want to testify. I want to testify.
Zoltan: Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.
JewWario: One time, I took a library book out, and I fells asleep reading it, and I left it under the bed. I forgot about it for three and a half years. I was going to take it back on Amnesty Day, but on Amnesty Day, I had a sip of rosé wine, and I never made it out of the house. 
Zoltan: Who's to blame?
All: Who's to blame?
Zoltan: What's his name?
All: We know his name. His name is Mr. Booze. Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose. Any game you play with him you lose. So don't mess with Mr. Booze.
Zoltan: If your head feels like it's two miles wide...
All: Two miles wide!
Zoltan: You'll feel better once you've testified.
All: Testify! Oh, yes! Testify!
Ben: I want to testify. I want to testify.
Zoltan: Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify.
Ben: I used to be a soda pop guy. Then I switched to the bottle. Now I don't leave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever. You name a movie, I've seen it. 
[The crowd shouts in movie titles and he says he’s seen them all]
Zoltan: That's a shame…
All: What a shame...
Zoltan: Who's to blame?
All: For Corey Haim? His name is Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, you must refuse. You'll make the obituary news if you mess with Mr. Booze. If you've been so stiff they thought you died, you'll feel better once you've testified. Testify, testify!
Granite: This man wants to testify.
Zoltan: Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness.
Granite: This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
Ollie: Cartoon Post!
Man: He doesn't even like Cartoon Post.
Bot: Now, alcohol makes a big man small, and can lead to a life of crime.
All: Yeah!
JewWario: Demon rum makes a gent a bum, and you cash in before your time.
All: Yeah!
Bill Dauterive: Bootleg gin puts you in a spin till you don't even know your name.
All: Yeah!
Zoltan: You're a basket case flat on your face, and there's only one guy to blame:
All: Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze... Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose. You will wind up wearing tattered shoes if you mess with Mr. Booze. Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Oh, Mr. Booze... Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Oh, Mr. Booze... Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
Bot: Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E... 'Cause that spells booze...And you’re gonna lose with Mr. Booze...
All: Oh, yeah!
Bot: Don't mess around with Mr. Booze...
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
JewWario: That's what he said, now...
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze...
Zoltan: Oh, Mr. Booze... 
All: Don't mess with Mr. Booze... Don't you mess with Mr. Booze, don't mess with Mr.- Don't you mess with Mr. oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... Don't mess with, ah-ah... Oh, Mr. Booze... Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... Yeah!
Skittles: Wow, you guys. I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously. And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too. Now, if you'll just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints.
Zoltan: Sure. No problem, Skittles. Thanks for stopping by.
[Skittles leaves as they all cheer; cut to Zoltan talking to a guy outside]
Guy: So what do you say, guys? Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play?
Zoltan: Nah. I think I'm... I'm just going to go home.
Ben: All right. You okay to drive?
Zoltan: Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine.
Ben: All right, take it easy.
Zoltan: All right, you, too. Get out of here. Hey! Like your jeans.
Ben: Thanks.
Zoltan: What... Hey, what size are you?
Ben: Yeah, I don't think we're the same size.
Zoltan: Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow.
[Zoltan walks over to Bot who is talking to Jenny]
Zoltan: Come on, Bot. You ready to go home?
Bot: Uh, no, Zoltan. I'm going to... I'm going to... Going to meet Jenny's cats.
Zoltan: What are you talking about? You hate cats.
Bot: I'm going... to meet... her cats.
Zoltan: Geez, all right. Okay. All right. You don't have to get all cat... Hey, hey, cat dog, right? You're a cat dog. Hey, cat dog! Cat dog! (sings gibberish) Cat dog. Hey, where's... You know, where's all the poop go when the cat... When the... In a... In a cat dog...? When the cat poops... What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And... And vice versa? Oh, God. Oh, that's... That's some kind of living hell. That's some... That's some kind of living hell, Bot. Okay, I got to go. You... You have a good time with Jenny.
[Zoltan starts the car]
Zoltan: Geez. Cat dog. What... What if... What if they... What if they want to marry different people? You got a lawsuit on your hands. That's what... That's what happens. All right... All right, look, let's get some music going on in here. Where's the Lullaby Channel?
Singer: A gentle breeze... From Hushabye Mountain... Softly blows… For Lullaby Bay…
[Zoltan falls asleep and crashes into a tree and the Grim Reaper walks up to him]
Grim Reaper: Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
[Grim Reaper flips Zoltan’s buddy]
Grim Reaper: Wait. Is it? Hey. Hey, fatty, wake up.
[Zoltan’s ghost flies out of his body]
Zoltan: What... What the... What happened?
Grim Reaper: You're dead, jackass. You died in a drunk driving accident.
Zoltan: Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass?
Grim Reaper: What the...? What's wrong with you?
Zoltan: You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.
Grim Reaper: Look, I've been told I can give you another chance, but there's some things we have to do first.
Zoltan: What are you talking about?
Grim Reaper: I'm talking about you understanding alcohol just a little bit better. Zoltan, I'm going to show you where your life is headed if you keep drinking as much as you do.
[The two ghosts disappear and reappear in the future with the Augers having breakfast]
Grim Reaper: All right, Zoltan. Here we are.
Zoltan: Well, everything looks fine. 
[A drunken Zoltan enters with a cigar]
Drunk Zoltan: All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.
[Drunk Zoltan burns everyone’s hands as they are in pain until he sees Crazy with a fake mustache]
Drunk Zoltan: Wait a minute. Who are you?
Crazy: I'm your other son, MacCawber. Here for my cigar burn, good sir
Drunk Zoltan: Crazy, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry, effin' cry." What's the difference?
Zoltan: All right, Death, I get it. I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my life.
Grim Reaper: Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what, I'm going to show you that too.
[The two ghost appear in an alternate future where Zoltan is in fancy clothing]
Grim Reaper: Okay, get ready for this.
Nice Zoltan: Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody line up for a triple "H": a hug, a handshake or a high five. Your call.
[The family members all line up in front of Nice Zoltan]
Nice Zoltan: Bot, hug! You got it. Cactus, hug! Two in a row. Try for three, Crazy? Oh, no, high five. Well, that's okay. High five's great, too. And all in time for my big bike ride announcement.
Zoltan: Who the (bleep) is this jerk?
Grim Reaper: That's you, Zoltan, alcohol-free. 
Zoltan: This is even worse than the other one. This ain't me. What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.
Grim Reaper: Exactly, Zoltan. It's called moderation. You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey. You just have to be responsible with it. You members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn to put the bottle down just sometimes?
Zoltan: We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it. All right, Death. I'll try.
[Cut to the Auger household, Zoltan and Bot enter]
Zoltan: Well, we're home. Thirty days of sobriety, and we can finally drink again.
Cactus: Oh, for God's sake, Zoltan, didn't you learn anything from this?
Zoltan: Yes, I did, Cactus. These are going in the garbage. But these... I'm keeping for myself. Moderation, Cactus.
Cactus: Wow, Zoltan. I never thought I'd see the day. Good for you.
Zoltan: From now on, half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash.
[Cut to a garbage dump where two seagulls are drinking beer]
Bird 1: Hey, how... How come we're the only animals with poo that's white?
Bird 2: I know. What the hell?
Bird 1: Right? We're not... We're not eating white stuff.
Bird 2: Hey, you want something good? Just look for the containers that say "KFC" on them. There's always something good in there.
Bird 1: Dude, that's birds in there. You're eat... You're eating another bird.
Bird 2. What?
Bird 1: That's bird meat, dude.
Bird 2: What? No. 
Bird 1: You're eating a bird.
Bird 2: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
[Bird 2 squawks as the episode ends]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E4: My child is illegitimate. [July 30, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode starts with Bot watching TV, where an episode of How I Met Your Mother is being shown]
Barney or whatever idk: And that’s how I met your mother.
[Laugh track]
Bot: What a tubular show! I wonder how I will meet my mother…uh…hmm. Who is my mother? Hey dad!
Zoltan: Your mother? Well, it’s a complicated story… You see…
Bot: I’m adopted?
Zoltan: No, not really.
Bot: You’re gay?
Zoltan: I’m perfectly straight, it’s just that your mother… was EB.
Bot: Wait, EB The Original Master? The Roblox YouTuber?
Zoltan: Precisely.
Bot: Holy crap, I still watch his videos! But…how?
Zoltan: Well daughter, let me start from the very beginning.
[Flashback to 1914's Sarajevo]
Franz Ferdinand: Yo I am moving in this convertible automobile in Sarajevo I'm sure everyone loves me.
[Franz Ferdinand gets shot]
Franz Ferdinand: MEOWCH!
[Cut back to the present]
Bot: What does this have to do with anything?
Zoltan: Well World War I happened, then World War II, Nazis, steel dragon, talisman, French Guy, Mike, Zoltan's Mum… Okay, well, basically, I was just 20 years old…
[Flashback. Cut back to Zoltan and Bot]
Zoltan: And that Bot, is how I lost your father.
Bot: Wait, what happened to EB after you broke up?
Zoltan: I… Don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in about 20 years.
Cactus: Maybe you should call him up?
Zoltan: Hm… Maybe I should…
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up as the episode cuts to black]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E5: My child is EB returns. [July 31, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
Narrator: Last time on I hate my child…
[The episode starts with the last scene from the previous episode]
Zoltan: And that Bot, is how I lost your father.
Bot: Wait, what happened to EB after you broke up?
Zoltan: I… Don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in about 20 years.
Cactus: Maybe you should call him up?
Zoltan: Hm… Maybe I should…
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up as the story continues]
EB: Hello?
Zoltan: EB… 
EB: Zoltan… You’re still alive?
Zoltan: Yeah… I just… haven’t heard your voice in… 20 years…
EB: Well uh… How’s Bot?
Zoltan: She’s alright. But, where are you now?
EB: Georgia.
Zoltan: Oh, cool choice to move to. What city? Atlanta?
EB: Tbilisi.
Zoltan: Uh, never heard of that one.
EB: Anyways, do you guys still live in the same house we bought so long ago?
Zoltan: Yeah! Do you want to like… Visit or something?
EB: I guess I could…
Zoltan: That would be quite nice…
EB: Well then, see you soon.
[EB hangs up]
Bot: You did it! I can finally meet my dad!
Crazy: Well this is great! My plan is finally succeeding! I missed EB so much, he was much nicer than any of you buffoons!
[Crazy gets pricked to death by Cactus]
Bot: Well now what?
Zoltan: I don’t know, we just kinda wait for him to come here. He should be here in like… a few days or something.
Bot: Well waiting is boring.
Zoltan: Wait, don’t you have to go to school or something?
Bot: Oh right. I feel like I haven't gone to school in like 3 years! I was preoccupied with going to a mattress forest, going to France, going to court for piracy, going to court for your child abuse, going to court for underage drinking and being hunted down by your fascist fathers.
Zoltan: Well none of those were my fault.
Bot: You know what, you’re right. I’m going back to school.
[Bot leaves to go to school]
Zoltan: Well now I’m alone. Time to see what my neighbors are doing!
[Cut to Golf and Aaron up to their regular hijinks]
Aaron: Augh I’m so bored… There’s nothing to do…
Prim: You guys like Yahtzee or something?
Golf: I am not a Nazi! Never have been! The allegations are not true!
Aaron: Come on Golf, why have you got to be so crazy?
Golf: I am not crazy! Never have been! The allegations are not true!
Prim: Come on Golf, you’ve been like this ever since I’ve met you. Why can’t you just take a break from us and go to places like the Bahamas or something and change positively?
Golf: I don’t even know what to say… Maybe I should do that… 
[Golf grabs a bindle and walks out the door]
Aaron: That was surprisingly quick.
Prim: So do you wanna play Yahtzee?
Aaron: I have no idea how to play Yahtzee.
Prim: Then I shall explain. The game consists of a number of rounds. In each round, a player gets three rolls of the dice, although they can choose to end their turn after one or two rolls. After the first roll the player can save any dice they want and re-roll the other dice. This procedure is repeated after the second roll. The player has complete choice as to which dice to roll. It is possible to re-roll both dice that were or were not rolled before.
Aaron: This is a really interesting game. I shall get the dice prepared.
[Aaron does so]
Prim: The Yahtzee scorecard contains 13 different category boxes and in each round, after the third roll, the player must choose one of these categories. The score entered in the box depends on how well the five dice match the scoring rule for the category. Details of the scoring rules for each category are given below. As an example, one of the categories is called Three of a Kind. The scoring rule for this category means that a player only scores if at least three of the five dice are the same value.
Aaron: Luckily I have a Yahtzee scorecard right here that we can play on.
[Aaron puts it next to the dice]
Prim: The game is completed after 13 rounds by each player, with each of the 13 boxes filled. The total score is calculated by summing all thirteen boxes, together with any bonuses.
Aaron: Okay! Time to play!
[The two start playing Yahtzee; cut to Bot arriving in school]
Matchy: Bot? You’re back?
Travis: You haven’t been in this school in like… a long time. You missed all the previous history lessons!
Bot: Who cares about those? Anyway, I know everything about it so I have nothing to worry about.
[Purple enters]
Purple: Hey kiddies! It’s time for your ultimate final history test that will have questions of everything we have ever learned!
Matchy: Luckily I studied all year for this.
Purple: Okay so, question 1: Who created the wiki?
Bot: Pfft… Everyone knows that it was Vishall!
[Cut to Bot coming home with a frown]
Zoltan: So how was school?
Bot: I remembered why I stopped going.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim still playing Yahtzee with long gray beards]
Aaron: We have to stop playing… It’s been…
[Aaron checks his watch]
Aaron: 36 hours… And neither of us have won…
Prim: No… We gotta keep on playing…
[Aaron throws the board off the table]
Prim: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[Prim scratches Aaron’s face]
Aaron: Aah! Prim! You need to stop behaving like this… Perhaps I shall send you to an anger management class so you could change positively…
Prim: No please, I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!
Aaron: Fine, but one more scratch and I’m calling Nanci Creedon and Chirag Patel from Cats and Dogs at War!
Prim: No more misbehaving, I swear!
[Someone knocks on the door]
Aaron: Oh great, Golf is back from the Bahamas.
[Aaron opens the door and sees EB]
EB: Hey Zoltan! Wait, you’re not Zoltan…
Prim: AN INTRUDER!
[Prim jumps on EB’s face and scratches all over it]
Aaron: BRO PRIM WHAT THE FUCK why’d you have to attack this fine gentleman?
Prim: Oopsies.
Aaron: That’s it! I’m calling the Cats and Dogs at War people!
[Cut to EB entering Zoltan’s house with his scratches]
EB: Uh, hi.
Zoltan: EB! You’re back! I missed you so much!
Bot: EB? Are you my father?
EB: That’s Bot?
Zoltan: Precisely.
EB: Huh, you did take good care of her.
Crazy: Not really. He hates his child.
[Zoltan kicks Crazy out of the house]
EB: Oh, you still have that dog?
Zoltan: Sadly.
Bot: Also, what’s with the scratches on your face?
EB: You see… I was actually climbing the Caucasus mountains when I fell off plus ratio.
Zoltan: Aren’t those in Russia?
EB: Uh, they’re in Georgia too.
Zoltan: How can a mountain from Russia stretch all the way to a US state?
Cactus: Zoltan, I think he lives in the country Georgia next to Russia not the state Georgia.
Zoltan: Ohhh. FUCKING COMMUNIST SPY GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE
EB: NO I’M NOT COMMUNIST I SWEAR! THERE’S A VERY GOOD REASON I MOVED TO GEORGIA!
Zoltan: WHICH IS?
EB: MY WIFE IS FROM THERE SO I MOVED TO THE COUNTRY WITH HER!
Bot: You got married?
Zoltan: HOW IS A GEORGIAN WOMAN BETTER THAN ME?
EB: She’s not an alcoholic.
Zoltan: Hey! After you left me I stopped my alcoholism!
[Crazy walks back in drinking Zoltan’s trademarked homemade beer]
Crazy: Wow Zoltan, I can see why you drink 8 bottles of this a day!
EB: Really?
Zoltan: Hahaha, what a story, Crazy!
EB: You haven’t changed a bit. I never should have come back.
Zoltan: NO PLEASE STAY! THE STUPID GREEN DOG IS LYING! I WENT TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS! I LEARNT ABOUT DRINKING WITH MODERATION!
Cactus: Yeah EB, did you not read Season 2 Episode 3?
EB: No, and anyway, I really think my wife and kids-
Zoltan: YOU HAVE KIDS?
Crazy: How was the sex?
[Awkward silence]
EB: Okay Zoltan, I will stay for a bit longer if you prove that you have changed positively and are a good father.
Zoltan: Thank you!
[Cut to Nanci and Chirag from Cats and Dogs at war walking to Aaron’s house]
Nanci: I'm Nanci. I've dedicated my career to improving the lives of dogs and their
owners.
Chirag: And I'm Chirag. I'm focused on the behavior and welfare of cats with 29 years experience training dogs and cats under our belts.
Nanci: We're on our way to Aaron’s house for a behavioral intervention of a fat orange cat named Prim.
[The two enter Aaron’s house]
Chirag: Hey there, where are the pets?
Aaron: Right over there.
[The camera pans to Prim]
Prim: Meow.
Nanci: Bro why would you call us if it’s only a cat like bro our show is literally called cats and dogs at war not cats and owners at war like bro how stupid can you be did you not read the word dog bro?
Aaron: Uh… My neighbor’s dog…
Chirag: Don’t let your cat go near the dog and that’s it. Like was this really necessary?
Nanci: Like bro.
Aaron: Come on, this cat has scratched me and my friends so many times! He does it like everyday!
Nanci: Bro just castrate him or something idk bro.
Aaron: Castration?! I have only witnessed one castration and it was traumatizing! I can’t do that to my Prim!
Chirag: Goodbye.
[They walk out.]
Prim: Well that was an epic fail.
Aaron: Don’t get too relieved Prim, I know another person who knows a lot about cats…
[Cut to Zoltan and EB talking in the living room]
EB: So, what do you do for a living?
Zoltan: You see… I get my money from my buddy CartoonGuy. He, uh, drops off a few grands every once in a while.
EB: And in what field does your friend work in?
Zoltan: He’s a member of the mafia.
EB: Really? Wow. What a great father you are.
Zoltan: Aw thanks, people don’t tend to say that.
EB: Zoltan, you really need to get a proper job. Getting money from a mafia member is not a very legal way. And even if you don’t get a job, what if this CartoonGuy suddenly dies?
Zoltan: Well if you’re so smart about these jobs, what is yours?
EB: I make Roblox and Veggietales videos on YouTube.
Zoltan: And that’s how you support your family?
EB: It’s different, my family can stay afloat because my wife is a doctor.
Zoltan: Wow, didn’t know you were so woke.
Crazy: Hey, stop arguing, why don’t you just try to get along?
Zoltan: Shut up you stupid dog, you’re always trying to get us together. Why are you even trying to do that?
Crazy: (sigh) Okay, it’s about time I explain my plan and all of my actions. The reason why I was doing all this was to-
[Crazy explodes leaving a hole in the ground]
Zoltan: Huh.
EB: Zoltan, you need to understand, in functional families fathers provide, not take away from their children’s lives.
Zoltan: wot
EB: You need to stop drinking and get a job.
Zoltan: I HAVE STOPPED! And even if I would’ve continued drinking (which I didn’t) there would be no reason to stop as I already get enough money and Bot has quit her education and will focus on better and more important things in life like piracy.
EB: How did you even turn out like this…
Zoltan: It was you. You gave me that drink. So long ago…
EB: Well how was I supposed to know that you were going to turn out like this?
[The two look at each other close to crying; cut to Jess arriving at Aaron’s house]
Jess: OwO hiiiii I’m Jess.
Prim: Oh dear.
Aaron: Greetings, Jess. I heard that you were quite an expert at cats.
Jess: I am! So what seems to be the problem?
Aaron: My cat Prim… He’s very aggressive.
Jess: Hmm… Maybe he needs to get barbified.
Prim: NO PLEASE DON’T!
[Jess puts Prim into a bucket of pink paint]
Prim: The liberals turned me into a femboy…
Jess: An equally great way of treating cat aggressiveness is by expressing the thoughts through writing.
Prim: Bro I can’t even write all I do is eat lasa-
[Aaron throws a pen and paper at Prim]
Prim: Why don’t you just castrate me instead?
Jess: Don’t be silly, just write what you think about.
[Prim writes the world Lasagna all over the page and shows it to Jess]
Jess: Well, I didn’t want to do this, but…
[Cut to the Full Server gang walking into Zoltan’s house]
Zoltan: Oh my god! My old friends! I haven’t seen them in like… Over 20 years! They were my friends before I met EB. Actually I named my daughter Bot after user Paige. They are not the same characters.
Pluto: Yes that is right we are your friends.
Paige: We miss you Zoltan.
Jess: Please come back…
Elmo 5: Daddy…
Jarvis Zagna: You were like a son to me… 
Purple: Ni-
[Zoltan wakes up suddenly from this dream and sees EB shouting at him and beer bottles next to him]
EB: You fucking alcoholic. Can’t even go one day without getting drunk. I am not crazy! I know you swapped those numbers! I knew it was 1216. One after Magna Carta. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't prove it. You covered your tracks, you got that idiot at the mafia to lie for you. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? You’ve done worse. That talisman! Are you telling me that a man just happens to have something like that? No! You orchestrated it! Zoltan! You defecated through a sunroof! And I saved you! And I shouldn't have. I took you into my own firm! What was I thinking? You’ll never change. You'll never change! Ever since you were 20, always the same! Couldn't keep your hands out of the cash drawer! But not our Zoltan! Couldn't be precious Zoltan! Stealing them blind! And you get to be a lawyer!? What a sick joke! I should've stopped you when I had the chance!
Zoltan: Wh-what?
EB: You’re lucky I haven’t pressed charges. That’s it. I’m never coming back. 
Zoltan: EB, p-please hear (burp) me out.
EB: No because… I hate my ex-husband.
[EB shuts the door as he leaves]
Crazy: Oh my god, Zoltan, when will you learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES?!
Cactus: All of those AA meetings were for nothing…
Bot: We had a good thing going, but you just had to blow it up…
[Zoltan is listening to all of this lying on the floor as the shouting turns into noise; cut to Aaron and Prim playing Yahtzee]
Aaron: Wow, Prim. You’re really normal and not an aggressive freak now. I guess it was the best option after all.
Prim: I am forever traumatized.
Aaron: Haha, you’re so silly. After this game I’ll get you some lasagnas.
Prim: Nothing will make me forget the horrors that I went through.
[Golf opens the door and walks in]
Golf: Aaron, Prim.
Aaron: Oh hi Golf.
Golf: I have returned from my vacation.
Aaron: That’s cool. Did you learn anything?
Golf: Well, for one, I realized that I was overreacting through everything. I think I really was wrong when I said that music was the enemy of the people. I just hope that you can forgive me after all I have done. I believe that as humans we can change positively and I have thought about every one of my actions. It really was me who was in the wrong most of the time. I was just trying to improve your life but in reality I made both of our lives worse.
Aaron: Wow, I really didn’t think I’d get to hear you say that, but-
Aaron: Just kidding, I was playing basketball with my buddy Elon Musk.
[Laugh track; cut to Zoltan thinking about what he has done]
Zoltan: (Sigh) I don’t even know what to do anymore.
Bot: Don’t be too hard on yourself, father.
Crazy: No, I think you should be very hard on yourself. I spent all of that time building your love up, all for your alcoholism to ruin it yet again.
Zoltan: Our relationship was destined to fail. I have nothing to live for now. Once Bot leaves this house, I will be alone again.
Bot: Well, Mike’s still out there. He could still come back and try to avenge French Guy or something.
Zoltan: If only I could go back in time with a time machine or something…
[The camera ominously zooms in on Zoltan’s talisman from the previous episode as the screen cuts to black]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S2E6: My child is Canadian. [August 10, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, PrimitiveSponge129} ===
[The episode starts with a hot summer day, with the sun shining bright on the Auger household. Inside the house, Zoltan and Bot are sitting on the couch, with a fan blasting air in their faces]
Bot: Jeez, can this day get any hotter?
Zoltan: I know right…I’ll turn on the TV.
[Zoltan turns on the TV, where a nude Halle Berry is seen]
Bot: And it just got hotter!
[The TV melts]
Zoltan: Oh come on! Now I have to steal a new one!
Crazy: Hey, I have an idea on how to make the heat more barrable!
[Crazy melts as well]
Cactus: I don't know what you guys are talking about, it's not even that hot.
Bot: Maybe we should go to a place where it's not as hot…
Zoltan: Like the Sahara?
Bot: No, I was thinking more along the lines of Finland.
Zoltan: Bro, that's straight up ridiculous! I can't even speak Swedish!
Bot: Hm, you're right. Maybe we should go to a place that speaks English.
Zoltan: What's English?
Bot: Hungarian hoe.
[The whole house starts melting]
Zoltan: Damn, I was going to sell this house.
Bot: Zoltan! We need to get out!
[The two rush out of the house]
Bot: Well that just happened.
Prim: Hey guys, how are you?
Zoltan: Great, our house just melted.
Prim: That's cool.
Bot: I don't think cool is the right word to describe this scenario.
Smooth voiceover: Badumts.
Bot: Wait, did Crazy just melt?
Zoltan: Yes.
Bot: What about Cactus?
Zoltan: Cactus is a cactus, they are doing well.
Prim: Well, it sure looks like you could do with going somewhere colder.
Bot: Yes.
Prim: Well, I’m feeling a little homesick, and I was thinking of going to Canada.
Zoltan: You’re Canadian? I didn’t know they made cats there!
Prim: Fuck off, eh.
Bot: Well, I don’t see why we shouldn’t go to this mythical place.
Zoltan: Don’t you have like, owners or something though?
Prim: They don’t care about me.
Zoltan: Oh that’s cool.
Bot: I thought Golf would have wanted to go to the Arctic, he’s a penguin.
Prim: Ignorant pig, there are no penguins in Canada.
Zoltan: I dunno, man, sounds pretty boring to me.
Prim: Well, let's see… It also has maple syrup. And hockey. And mooses. And Tim Hortons.
Zoltan: Oh nevermind this Canada place actually sounds pretty cool, I think we should get a plane and go there.
Bot: Okay, let me get some airline tickets.
Zoltan: Ah, there’s no need for that, I got an old buddy for this who could help.
Bot: Please don’t tell me that-
[Zoltan calls Tan up on his phone]
Zoltan: Hey, Tan, could you pick us up? We want to go on a trip to Canada.
Tan: Sure thing, Zolt!
[Tan’s airplane crashes into the melted house]
Tan: Hey guys!
Zoltan: Tan, you’re here!
Prim: That was quick.
Bot: Oh god, not this guy again.
Tan: I heard that, idiot niece.
Zoltan: Hey, let’s not get into arguments, okay?
Tan: So uh, Canada.
Prim: Yep.
Tan: I know that place very well. That’s a country that was mentioned once in Victorious (2010).
Zoltan: Sounds stupid.
[Tan stabs Zoltan in the stomach with a knife]
Zoltan: augh
Prim: Can we get going already? I’m getting bored.
Tan: Okay, just-
[Golf walks out of his BANANA house]
Golf: What’s going on here?
Prim: Oh hi owner. I was just considering going on a vacation in my home country of Canada.
Golf: Oh thank the Lord that you will be gone, I fucking despise you.
Prim: I will miss you too, Golf.
Aaron: Hey husband, what are you doing?
Golf: Our cat Prim is leaving.
Aaron: Oh come on, now I’m gonna be stuck here with you?
Golf: Yee.
Tan: I can’t fucking take this shit anymore.
[Tan puts the Augers, Prim and himself into the plane and flies away]
Aaron: o
[Cut to Tan flying the plane]
Tan: Ah, this must be the nice Canadian air.
Bot: We’re still in Basildon.
[Laugh track]
Tan: Oh.
Prim: Wait, don’t you know where you’re going?
[The plane hits a hill, but keeps going]
Tan: Sure.
Bot: Can you even legally fly a plane?
Tan: Of course! I just have to bribe the police and they let me.
Zoltan: Yeah, I should start doing that as well!
Bot: I hate my relatives.
Prim: This ride is going to be long, so let’s do something fun while we wait.
Zoltan: We could play chess.
Bot: We could watch Friends.
Tan: How about watching iCarly? It’s much better than that stupid show.
Prim: Well actually I was thinking of doing [prim thing], but now that I think about it, why don’t we watch some Family Guy?
Zoltan: That’s a wonderful idea! We all love Family Guy!
[They put on Family Guy; Cut to the Auger household which has been reduced to melted paint]
Cactus: This house is so weak. It’s not even as hot as it is in the Sahara desert located in Northern Africa.
Crazy: One day I want to learn African and go there.
Cactus: Didn’t you melt?
Crazy: I always come back.
Cactus: So, do you think about ever leaving this house and going to a better place?
Crazy: I tried that before, but whenever I try to escape Zoltan some weird thing causes me to go right back, as if it’s required for me to be here so the universe can properly function.
Cactus: Hm, maybe you’re right… But, what if…
[Cactus knocks itself off its shelf or whatever idk i dont have cactuses and rolls away as the camera follows it, stopping at Golf’s house. The camera goes inside the house where Elon Musk appears on the couch next to Golf and Aaron]
Elon Musk: What’s going on guys?
Golf: Ah, Elon, my good friend. 
Elon Musk: Jeez Pecks, you look like you are dying of heat stroke.
Golf: I am.
Aaron: I told him, he can’t stay like this!
Elon Musk: Maybe I should take you to a colder place. What Golf calls home.
Aaron: Wait, you don’t mean-
Golf: ANTARCTICA?!
Elon Musk: Yes.
Golf: Splendid.
[Elon Musk gives them a legendary gadget with way too many buttons]
Elon Musk: This is a legendary gadget with way too many buttons. It’s called the Antarctica-teletrasportation-inator. You just need to-
[Golf grabs Aaron and smashes his head against the gadget, sending them both to Antarctica]
Golf: YES!
Aaron: Bro I am going to freeze to death
Golf: Don’t worry, Aaron boy, I’m sure this gadget with way too many buttons has a button that turns you into a penguin.
[Golf mashes every button on the gadget and Aaron starts transforming into various animals, including lizards, lions, leopards and even a bear, and he eventually turns into a penguin]
Golf: Perfect!
Aaron: Quack, I’m a penguin! This is weird. I guess now I am Penguinfellow.
Golf: I refuse to comment on that statement.
[Suddenly, the penguins of Madagascar appear next to them]
Skipper: Golf, is that you?
Golf: Skipper?
Skipper: It is you! This is amazing!
Aaron: Hey, these are the guys from the movie!
Golf: Didn’t you guys get sent to a zoo? I still remember that day.
Kowalski: We did, but we escaped and traveled all over the world! Madagascar…
Golf: I’ve been there!
Kowalski: Then some other place in Africa…
Golf: Africa, where the lion roars.
Kowalski: And we’ve visited basically all of Europe. Then we returned home, here.
[Rico vores everyone; cut to Tan and the gang on the plane]
Tan: Okay guys, we’re arriving in Canada!
Prim: It’s about time, I’ve been waiting for ages.
Tan: Okay everybody, we’re landing right… NOW!
[The plane stops mid-air, and starts falling down]
Zoltan: You’re such a great pilot, Tan!
Tan: Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.
[The plane crashes into a building with French text]
Bot: Uh, Tan, I think you drove us to the wrong country.
Zoltan: Really, I accidentally got to France again when going to a different country? (Full Server episode 6 Road to Yemen reference)
Smooth voiceover: Full Server? I hardly know her!
Prim: Oh no…I think we’re in Québec.
[Everyone collectively starts screaming the word ‘no’]
Tan: D’oh!
Zoltan: What do we do now?
Prim: Maybe we could live here and learn French?
Bot: Absolutely not.
[Mr. Beast pops up out of nowhere]
Mr. Beast: TODAY I’M DOING A GIVEAWAY CHALLENGE TO THE PEOPLE OF QUEBEC! Luckily, I can speak French fluently: Un nouveau virus apparaîtra en 2030 et tuera la moitié de la population mondiale.
Zoltan: Mr. Breast give me money.
Mr. Beast: Okay.
[Mr. Beast gives Zoltan 10 million dollars in cash]
Mr. Beast: The plot no longer needs me so I can stop existing.
[Mr. Beast disappears]
Tan: Aw sweet, 10 million dollars!
Zoltan: That’s enough to cover all my debt! Well, almost all of it.
Bot: And what do we do with all this money?
Zoltan: Let’s buy Quebec.
Prim: They don’t need another independence movement.
Tan: No, guys! We need to actually get to places! We need to buy more fuel for my plane!
Zoltan: Okay let me just go to a plane fuel tree and grab some plane fuel fruit and put it into your plane.
Tan: Okie.
[They run to the Quebecois Plane Fuel Station]
Prim: Pretty convenient how this station is so close to where we crashed.
Tan: Don’t think about it too hard, let’s just-
Zoltan: Wait a second, who’s that over there?
[Zoltan points to a man and the camera pans over to him, revealing him to be Mike Source]
Zoltan: GASP! This can’t be…
Bot: Hold on a second, did he tape the head of French Guy to his stomach?
Tan: Kinky.
Zoltan: Did you just say kinky talking about the people who raised us?
Tan: …Hey, what are Mike and Pierre doing here in Quebec?
Prim: I don’t know, we should ask them.
[Mike notices the Aughers]
Mike: WHAT THE SCHEIßE? WHY DID YOU COME HERE? ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO GET REVENGE? WHY? I SHOULD BE THE ONE GETTING REVENGE! YOU GUYS KILLED MY LOVE PIERRE! luckily though his still alive because i revived his head
Bot: Oh hey grandpa Mike, I don’t know why you are here at this Quebecoise plane fuel station, but I can assure you we did not intend to end up in the same place as you and French Guy whose head is taped to your stomach for some reason.
Mike: I don’t believe it.
Bot: We are only here to cool off. A Canadian cat is with us. Wait, why are you here?
Mike: Well… It’s not important! I’m going to kill all of you!
[Mike starts chasing them, but quickly stops due to him being old lol]
Mike: TURBO MODE ON!
[Mike flies into the air with his cool shoes and starts flying above the Aughers]
Bot: Oh dear. Uh… Tan, you can still get the fuel into your plane, right?
Tan: Of course, I just need to throw this rock at Mike!
Mike: wait wut
[Tan throws a brick directly onto Mike’s head]
Mike: WHAT THE FUCK that is not a rock…
[Mike falls down]
Mike: Ouch.
French Guy: [wakes up from his slumber] wah huppen
Mike: You sleepy head.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Everyone, run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The GANG!!!!! starts running back to the fuel station and steals metric tons of liters of fuel and Tan quickly rams it into his plane]
Tan: Everyone, hop in!
[Everyone hops into the plane, as it begins flying away; cut to fat Rico in Antarctica, who arrives at someone's house. He spits out Golf, Aaron, and the other penguins of Madagascar]
Aaron: That was interesting.
Golf: Get used to it, new penguin.
Skipper: Golf, you remember Pingu, right?
Golf: Of course, he is my nephew.
Kowalski: Well, this is his house. You might remember our Rishmas dinner here.
Private: I was part of the dessert.
[Kowalski knocks on the igloo’s door and Pingu from Pingu opens it]
Pingu: NOOT NOOT!
Golf: Ah, Pingu, my lovely relative. How have you been, dude?
Pingu: Noot noot.
Skipper: Oh right, he’s regarded.
Kowalski: Don’t worry, I have the device that can translate his speech.
[Kowalski shoves a remote down Pingu’s throat, and he begins speaking perfect English]
Pingu: Good afternoon, uncle Golfpecks. Long time no see. I see you still look like a chimpanzee.
Aaron: Wait, are you the penguin from the Swiss TV series for children Pingu?
Pingu: Noot noot.
Aaron: Wow, I can’t believe I am standing right next to such a big celebrity!
[Pingu’s father bursts down the Igloo door as he is an alcoholic]
Aaron: Wow, you’re father is just like my neighbour Zoltan.
Pingu’s father: Pingu, what are you doing with these gangsters?
Pingu: They are not gangsters, father, they are just my friends.
Pingu’s father: Oh, I see. Wait, what happened to your other friend, Robbie?
Pingu: Robbie is now a female and prefers she/her pronouns.
Pingu’s father: I see. Well I’m gonna be smoking weed now.
Golf: Good day to you as well, brother.
Pingu’s father: Holy shit, I’m already seeing things. Is that my bastard brother?
Golf: Suck my pecks.
[Laugh track]
Pingu: Okay guys, let’s do some fun activities, like fishing and stuff.
Private: I agree with that.
Aaron: But we don’t have a fishing rod.
[Everyone starts laughing at Aaron]
Skipper: How idiot you are. We’re penguins, we grab fish with our mouths.
Aaron: Oh no…
[Cut to the penguins fishing]
Skipper: Golf, tell your friend to start fishing!
Golf: Aaron, you should start fishing.
Aaron: I don’t know Golf, I don’t think I’m ready.
Golf: It is very easy. You just swim in the frozen water and grab as many fish as you can with your mouth. Rico is an expert.
[Rico is seen spitting out thousands of fish in the background]
Aaron: Alright, I guess it’s worth a try.
[Aaron majestically dives into the water, he starts freezing, but through sheer determination, he manages to get near a fish, grabbing it with his beak, and resurfacing to spit it out. He starts panting, as everyone applauds him]
Golf: That’s my husband!
Skipper: Good job!
Pingu: Noot noot!
Aaron: Oh my god…I NEED MORE FISH!
[Aaron jumps into the water, and quickly resurfaces with dozens of fish in his mouth, which he spits out]
Kowalski: That’s the spirit, soldier! Become addicted.
[Aaron continuously dives into the water and returns to the land with several fish every time, until a huge pile of fish is formed]
Private: Wow, that’s a lot of fish…
Pingu: This could be enough fish for a whole week.
Golf: Hey, I should also try and grab some!
[Golf dives into the water but only manages to get a singular tiny fish out]
Skipper: Talk about filler, Patrick.
Pingu: What a shit uncle.
Kowalski: I say we kill him.
Private: He’s more regarded than his nephew.
Golf: I hate my life.
[Laugh track; cut to the Aughers right outside Prim’s house in his province, Alberta]
Prim: Well, this is my house.
[JON ARBUCKLE FROM GARFIELD WALKS OUT]
Jon Arbuckle: yo wassup diggity dogs
Zoltan: Holy crap, you actually lived with Jon Arbuckle?!
Prim: Nah, that’s just the Grim Reaper.
Zoltan: what
[Jon Arbuckle takes off his costume, revealing himself as the Grim Reaper]
Grim Reaper: Ha you fell for it.
Zoltan: Oh my God, it was true after all! You are Canadian! Just like my wife Paige said in Full Server episode 5 Testicular Cancer!
Bot: Who’s Paige? You have a wife?!
Zoltan: Don’t worry about it. 
Grim Reaper: Prim, I can’t believe you came back! Oh, you all must be so hungry. Come inside, you can have human flesh as a snack.
Zoltan: Yummy.
Grim Reaper: And yes Prim, there is lasagna.
Prim: Yummy.
[They go inside the house]
Prim: Ah yes, the house where I used to live. I remember being a young kitten, and reading all the Garfield comics. Those comics really changed my life and shaped me as a person.
Zoltan: Yeah sure. So did you like… Watch hockey here or something?
Prim: Silly Zoltan, in Canada there’s not only hockey. We also watch documentaries about mooses and beavers and bears.
Tan: Just like in Victorious!
Prim: I left this place years ago, when I was taken from this house by Aaron and Golf… They wanted a cat, and Golf thought the best way to do that was going to a random house in Alberta, Canada and steal one. But hey, they have lasagna, so I’m okay.
Grim Reaper: Yes, very sad. Anyway, can I come with you guys to your next destinations in this glorious nation?
Zoltan: No.
[Everyone except the Grim Reaper disappears]
Grim Reaper: I’ll be back.
[A montage begins of the gang doing various places in Canada, including visiting a hockey stadium thing, eating pancakes with lots of maple syrup, riding mooses, playing in snow, cutting some wood with strong muscular lumberjacks, drinking some Tim Hortons coffee and visiting Niagara Falls; cut back to the penguins]
Pingu: Okay, how about our next penguin activity, GAY SEX!
Aaron: Oh, I’m great at this! 
Pingu: To have gay sex, you have to-
[Suddenly, the giant walrus from the Pingu episode Pingu’s Dream pops up]
Walrus: roar
[Everyone screams in terror]
Aaron: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Pingu: THAT FUCKING WALRUS IS REAL! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Skipper: An evening of homosexual fornication, ruined.
[They start running away, but the walrus chases them. A chase montage starts, with I Am the Walrus by The Beatles playing in the background]
Skipper: It’s time for Operation Rico!
[Rico vores everyone and runs inside a cave, then spits everyone out]
Golf: What’s Operation Rico?
Skipper: Operation Rico is uh… It’s not important. What’s important is that a giant walrus is chasing us.
Golf: Okay so, I think the obvious thing to do here is to hide here forever and never leave.
Private: Sounds good to me!
[Private runs way deeper into the cave]
Aaron: Thank God, I hated that guy.
Skipper: Now, we just need a proper plan. Kowalski!
Kowalski: The walrus looks pretty big. We should take that into consideration.
Pingu: I have converted to Islam. Mashallah.
Golf: [THE FOLLOWING LINE HAS BEEN CENSORED UNDER THE REQUEST OF GOLFPECKS256’S LAWYER]
Aaron: Don’t worry guys, I have just the perfect plan.
Skipper: Care to share it with us?
Aaron: Of course. It is surprisingly simple. We just need to lure the Walrus inside the cave with the only thing Walri like.
Kowalski: And that is?
Aaron: Penguins probably idk im not a scientists
Skipper: Don’t worry guys, I know the perfect person for this.
[Skipper uses his extendable arms to grab Private and reel him back]
Private: what the flip
Pingu: Hey, Mister Walrus! Here’s a perfectly edible penguin!
Walrus: yummy
[The walrus jumps into the cave, consuming Private in one bite]
Walrus: Thank you very much indeed.
Golf: You fool, now we are stuck here with this fat penguin eating monster!
Aaron: Don’t worry. I accounted for that as well. Rico, can you give me some… Explosives?
[Rico throws up several tons of explosives]
Aaron: Now, we just need to light them.
[They blow a massive hole into the other side of the cave]
Walrus: Noo! Now I’m stuck here in this cave! (dies)
Aaron: It worked!
Pingu: Aaron, you saved us!
Skipper: I never thought a N00B like you could ever do a thing like this.
[Everyone starts celebrating Aaron]
Kowalski: Well, after Private’s great sacrifice, I think you should do something, Skipper.
Skipper: Oh yes. Aaron, I have a request for you. Would you like to become the newest member of the Penguins of Madagascar?
Aaron: …I…um…
Golf: Nope. You can take Pingu.
Skipper: Oh okay then.
Pingu: Yippee!!!
[The Penguins of Madagascar leave along with their new member]
Golf: Well, we don’t have all day. Let’s go home.
[Golf and Aaron fly up into the air; cut to Tan flying his plane]
Tan: Well, we’re here. Time to land safely.
[Tan crashes his plane into a glacier]
Tan: Eh, good enough.
[The gang gets off the plane]
Zoltan: Ah, so nice and cold. And I can see the Aurora Borealis.
[The Aurora Borealis is shown. It’s beautiful, amazing, awesome, incredible]
Prim: Ah yes, the most beautiful part of the North Pole.
Bot: I guess this really made our journey worth it.
Tan: (yawn) This is quite boring. I’m gonna be practicing my amazing flying skills while you guys look at that.
[Tan starts flying his plane very dangerously around the arctic]
Zoltan: Oh, and look, Brian Griffin is over there!
Prim: Those are polar bears. Don’t get close.
Zoltan: Eh, what could possibly go wrong?
[Zoltan starts patting the polar bears]
Zoltan: You guys are such cute little bears!
[The polar bears’ masks fall off, revealing them to be Mike and French Guy in disguise]
Zoltan: Oh, nice fursuits.
Bot: What the? You guys again?
French Guy: You fools are going to pay for chopping my head off! And for disturbing our peace in Quebec, where I can speak French freely!
Bot: So that’s why you were there…
French Guy: Of course. And now, that we’re here in this grand vastness, we can have one final showdown.
[The two sides prepare to fight each other with all of their strength, but then unexpectedly Tan crashes his plane directly onto Mike and French Guy]
Smooth voiceover: That’s gonna leave a mark.
Zoltan: What the hell?!
Tan: Hey, I noticed the glacier was a bit uncomfortable, so I landed the plane here.
Mike: You guys are… not yet… ough… that hurt… and it also kinda turned me on… but… I will… return…
Prim: Sure thing buddy.
Tan: I say that was enough travelling for today. How about we all go home?
Zoltan: Sounds good.
[Everyone hops into the heavily damaged plane and they fly back to their house at the same time as Golf and Aaron arrive. They leave the vehicle, and see the molten house]
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Aaron: Hey Zoltan, Bot, Prim and weird guy. How was Canada?
Prim: Great!
Zoltan: Eh. Could’ve been better. Still not as bad as France though. Wait why are you a penguin
Aaron: Amazing. Well Prim, let’s have some lasagna.
Prim: Yippee!
[Golf, Aaron and Prim walk into their house; Cactus rolls back to the house]
Cactus: I'm back.
Tan: So, Zoltan, what are you gonna do about your house?
Zoltan: I know a certain pig who can help me rebuild it. (Full Server episode 6 Road to Yemen reference)
Tan: Sounds fun. I need to leave now to do stuff.
[Tan leaves in his plane]
Bot: Thank God he’s gone.
Zoltan: Hey, don’t talk that way about my idiot brother. Now, let me call Daddy Pig.
[Zoltan calls Daddy Pig, who immediately appears in front of him]
Daddy Pig: Greetings, Zoltan.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron in their house]
Aaron: It sure is nice being back home. Wait, where’s Elon Musk? He promised me he would turn me back!
Golf: Oh well, I don’t mind you being a penguin.
Aaron: Die.
Prim: Meow. Give me the lasagna.
[They laugh as the 5 second long credits roll; after the credits, a post-credits scene starts. The dead walrus in the cave opens his mouth, and Joe Biden comes out]
Joe Biden: Jeez, what a day. 
[Private comes out too]
Private: Uh…what just happened?
Joe Biden: Oh hi Kamala. Let’s get some Antarctica ice cream and go home.
[Biden’s phone rings, and he answers it]
Joe Biden: Hey Elon. I’m sorry to say that the mission failed.
Elon Musk: Damn, whatever, we’ll get them next time…
[They laugh evilly as the episode ends]
=== (Z†) I hate my child. S2E7: My child is a time traveler. [August 20, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode actually begins with Zoltan, Bot and Cactus sitting on the couch watching Sam & Cat cooking Blue Dog Soda on TV]
Bot: Hmm. That soda seems to be a stand-in for crystal meth. They seem to be getting lots of money. You know, maybe I should start cooking meth, and then we could get out of this miserable place.
Smooth voiceover: Let her cook.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Well I did master chemistry in high school. I could probably help.
Bot: I know what we’re gonna do today.
Zoltan: Nuh uh, the meth cooking will have to wait until tomorrow. Today I have a guest over.
Bot: A guest? Every time a guest comes over, they never make it out alive.
Zoltan: No, this won’t be like the other ones. You know that CartoonGuy kid, right?
Bot: Oh yeah, I hired him to kill Chip Rockefeller once.
Zoltan: Yeah him. Well his father is a famous Argentine rugby player.
[Aaron magically appears behind them]
Aaron: Are you talking about Jarvis Zagna? He’s one of the GOATs!
Zoltan: Kids and their slangs nowadays… But yes I am talking about him.
Bot: I didn’t know you were into rugby, Aaron.
Aaron: I’m so into rugby, I invest in cryptocurrency.
[The doorbell rings]
Zoltan: That must be him!
[Zoltan opens the door and Jarvis Zagna who looks identical to how he did 20 years ago walks in]
Jarvis Zagna: Whaddup party people?
Zoltan: Oh my god! Jarvis! You’re back! I haven’t seen you in like… A while!
Jarvis: Yes indeed. I missed you, Zoltan.
[CartoonGuy also walks in]
CartoonGuy: I’m also here.
Aaron: It’s great to know that I was here the day Jarvis Zagna came.
[Aaron fades away from existence]
Zoltan: So how’s life in Arkansas, buddy?
Jarvis: I live in Argentina. Anyway, it’s great there! I get to have all the gay sex I want!
Zoltan: Fascinating.
[Everything except Zoltan disappears; Crazy walks in]
Zoltan: Fancy room.
Crazy: Hello Zoltan.
Zoltan: Oh, you stupid cat! Didn’t I tell you to stop messing with the fabric of reality?
Crazy: I was in a silly goofy mood. Also I’m a dog.
Zoltan: Come on, can’t you just stop with the hijinks for one day?
Crazy: The term 'day' is subjective. It may be just 24 hours for you but for me one day is however long I want it to be.
Zoltan: Geez, I never should’ve adopted you.
Crazy: Maybe I’m the one who adopted you.
Zoltan: what
Crazy: chicken butt
Zoltan: I think it’s time you explain what you’ve been doing. I mean, why are you even here? Why are you doing this?
Crazy: It’s simple to explain. You see-
[The scene cuts to Zoltan back in reality with everything back to normal]
Jarvis: Zoltan, is everything okay, you seemed to have zoned out for a minute.
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I just… Had one too many drinks.
Jarvis: You know what Zese, there’s no such thing as too many drinks.
Zoltan: Truth! I’m going to grab another one infact right this very now.
[Zoltan walks into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of beer, but instead of opening it he just stands there questioning reality]
Zoltan: God, this cat is driving me insane.
Crazy: Tell me about it. I’m gonna go to the sofa.
[Crazy walks over to Jarvis]
Crazy: Hey Jarvis.
Jarvis: what the fuck
Crazy: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s your kid?
CartoonGuy: I’m fine. I just had an incredible Argentinian asado with my family. 
Crazy: Well that’s cool. Argentina is like the capital of Africa.
Jarvis: Uh… Wait, the last time I saw you you were running after Zoltan when he left the Full Server house. Why’d you do that?
Crazy: No reason.
[Crazy’s phone starts ringing]
Crazy: Oh I’ve got to pick this up, it's important.
[Crazy runs to the window of the house that can see inside Aaron and Golf’s house. He is looking inside Golf’s “bedroom” where he is sitting on a single IKEA chair in the middle of the room]
Crazy: Okay, he’s just sitting there in the middle of the room. He’s probably thinking about the stocks.
Guy on the phone: Perfect.
[Cut to outside the Walker-Pecks residence where a black van pulls up and two men walk out of it with guns]
Prim: There’s nothing happening.
[The two man who are revealed to be Joe Biden and Elon Musk bust the door down and burst in]
Prim: Out of the ordinary, I mean.
Aaron: Hey, what was that noise?
[Aaron gets directly shot in the head]
Prim: MEOWCH! That must’ve hurt.
[Golf rushes down the stairs]
Golf: Joe Biden! My buddy from Alaska and Elon Musk! You’re back!
Elon Musk: I'm sorry it has to end like this…
[Golf also gets brutally killed]
Joe Biden: I remember when I was a snail in SpongeBin’s house. Let’s leave now, Elon.
Prim: I should probably leave too.
[Prim teleports to the void with Crazy and a horse]
Prim: What.
Crazy: Welcome to the underground how was the fall
Horse: Hello, I'm Mr. Ed
A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can talk to a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
Go right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mr. Ed.
Prim: So, I assume I also got shot and this is purgatory.
Crazy: Not quite. I just got your owners killed so I can talk to you.
Prim: Oh, cool. Wait, not cool! Aren’t you the pet from next door? What are you doing? And why are we in the void with a horse?
Crazy: I’ll answer that later. But first, I need you to remember back to your past lives…
Prim: I’ve already moved on from those. There’s no need for them.
Crazy: Well, there is one particular life you had right before you moved here.
Prim: Really? I don’t care.
Crazy: Now, you wouldn’t exactly remember this, because… I kind of deleted your memories of that.
Prim: Can you get to the point?
Crazy: Well, you see, in a past life, you were not a simple cat in a small house with a penguin and a Aaron. You lived in a big house, with a big family, making the house, server, if you will, full.
Prim: …What?
Crazy: Let me explain. So it all started when Luis started a family…
[Cut to Zoltan’s house]
Jarvis: Hey, did you guys hear those sounds from the other house?
Bot: Don’t worry about it, it’s just a casual murder. They happen pretty regularly around here.
Jarvis: No, I think we should check just in case.
Cactus: I agree with that.
[They walk inside Aaron’s house and see it in a messed up state]
Zoltan: Oh dear, it appears that Aaron and Golf were shot dead and Prim was kidnapped.
Bot: And it's not even Tuesday!
Jarvis: Aaron and Golf? Weren’t they those wacky neighbours you mentioned earlier?
Zoltan: Yeah. They were pretty annoying so it’s for the better that they got killed.
Cactus: Wait, Aaron and Golf were murdered?
Zoltan: Yeah, I’m honestly surprised it took them this long to kill each other.
Cactus: But this is serious! We need to call the police immediately!
Zoltan: Nah, too much work.
Cactus: Are you for real? This is our neighbours we’re talking about! We’ve known them for years, and have had semi-friendly relations with them!
Zoltan: Well, they are dead now…
Cactus: Exactly. We need to call the police and get justice for them. Just think of all the moments they’ve given us throughout our life.
[A montage of Golf and Aaron’s funny moments is shown. It is very funny]
Zoltan: Yeah, you’re right. We need to find the culprit.
Bot: Is anyone here a detective or something?
Zoltan: I don’t think so, no. However I know a guy who knows a guy who can help…
[Cut to Zoltan and co in NotJoe’s office]
NotJoe: Hey Zolt. Great to see you. How’s your child?
Zoltan: I hate her.
NotJoe: Good, good. So why are you here?
Bot: Yeah like our neighbours just got brutally killed today and we should probably find out who did it.
NotJoe: Classic. Don’t worry, I can help you guys find the impostor.
Jarvis: I don’t know who this Joe guy is, but he sounds really cool.
NotJoe: Thank you for the compliment, Mr. Zagna. Anyway, so, uh, like, when did you guys find the bodies and what condition were they in?
CartoonGuy: Like 15 minutes ago. They didn’t have that old corpse smell yet, you know, they were still obviously fresh.
NotJoe: I don’t know why you’re such an expert in this field of corpse freshness and I’m too afraid to ask.
[Cut back to the void]
Crazy: …and that’s how you ended up with the Grim Reaper.
Prim: Oh my god. I can’t believe it… Zoltan had s*x with my wife?
Crazy: Yes. And now that you know this, you must enact my plan. Now I’m going to make you as strong as me, using my godlike abilities.
Prim: Really?
Crazy: Yes. I just need help from someone. Oh Toodles!
[Toodles from the hit show Mickey Mouse Clubhouse flies into the void]
Crazy: I need a CrazySponge-Ke-Tool.
[Toodles starts speaking with his signature gangster voice]
Toodles: They don’t pay me enough to do this. Here, have this fucking lasagna.
[Toodles gives Crazy a lasagna and then disappears]
Prim: LASAGNA?!
Crazy: This lasagna shall give you godlike powers.
[Prim devours the lasagna in one bite]
Prim: Tasty. Now I must return to the real world.
Crazy: Yes, you take care of Zoltan whilst I go back to the past.
[Prim disappears leaving Crazy alone again]
Crazy: im so lonely
Mr. Ed: Wilbur!
[A Skibidi Toilet appears]
Skibidi Toilet: Skibidi dop dop dop yes yes
[Laugh track; cut to Notjoe]
NotJoe: Okay, so after all the details, I think it’s fair to say that the people who killed Aaron and Golf were none other than… business magnate and investor, founder, chairman, CEO and chief technology officer of SpaceX; angel investor, CEO, product architect and former chairman of Tesla, Inc.; owner, chairman and CTO of X Corp.; founder of the Boring Company; co-founder of Neuralink and OpenAI; and president of the Musk Foundation; the wealthiest person in the world, with an estimated net worth of US$232 billion as of September 2023, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, and $253 billion according to Forbes, primarily from his ownership stakes in both Tesla and SpaceX Elon Reeves Musk (born June 28, 1971) and American politician and 46th and current president of the United States; member of the Democratic Party, who previously served as the 47th vice president from 2009 to 2017 under President Barack Obama and represented Delaware in the United States Senate from 1973 to 2009 Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. (born November 20, 1942).
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Huh yeah that is a perfectly reasonable conclusion.
Bot: I believe it.
Cactus: And how will we get in contact with Elon Musk and Joe Biden? They’re like the two most powerful people in the US!
Zoltan: I’m sure Crazy can help with that.
NotJoe: So is no one going to thank me for my efforts?
Jarvis: Nah.
[Cut to Zoltan and gang walking to their house when Prim stops them]
Prim: Hey hey hey, where are you going, buddy?
Zoltan: Oh hey, Prim’s still alive!
Prim: Don’t act like I’m your friend, you… meany.
Zoltan: Oh come on, what did I do?
Prim: My good friend Crazy has told me everything about your so called ‘Full Server’ days.
Zoltan: Fugget about it! Those days were years ago! I’ve moved on!
Prim: As if you could ever. And Crazy didn’t just tell me about how you f*cked my wife, he also told me his plan to eradicate you. And he also gave me godlike powers.
Zoltan: Oh dear LOL.
Prim: I’m gonna take you back to the past, and ruin everything you’ve worked for in life.
Zoltan: Prim what the fuck are you talking about?
[Prim makes Zoltan and himself disappear]
Bot: I think I did too much crack.
[Laugh track; after a commercial break, we cut back to where the cold open ended: Zoltan leaving the Full Server house with a suitcase]
Zoltan: My fellow Americans: Four years ago, we launched a great national effort to rebuild our country, to renew its spirit, and to restore the allegiance of this government to its citizens.  In short, we embarked on a mission to make America great again— for all Americans. As I conclude my term as the 45th president of-
[Crazy starts running towards Zoltan]
Crazy: Hey Zolt, I think you dropped this.
Zoltan: Hey Crazy, what’s that?
Crazy: Oh it’s just this very epic and cool talisman that definitely doesn’t mess with the space time continuum.
Zoltan: Cool.
[Zoltan grabs the talisman and the space time continuum begins being messed with as Forest of Illusion from Super Mario World begins playing; cut to Zoltan in his apartment with Crazy]
Crazy: What just happened? I certainly did not intend this.
Zoltan: Oh dear, I think that talisman messed with the space time continuum and now we’re in the future. (Note: future as in future for past Zoltan but past for future Zoltan)
[Cut to future Zoltan looking at this from the fourth dimension]
Future Zoltan: Ah, so that’s why I don’t remember the things happening between me leaving the Full Server house and entering my apartment with Crazy.
Past Zoltan: Well I’m gonna go eat from the trash now.
[Past Zoltan walks out and Crazy is left alone]
Crazy: Hehehehehe now I am going to enact my very cool plan! And I am going to explain it. So I went back to the past and now I’m going to shape Zoltan’s future. Last time I did this he ended up with EB and I was going to give him a perfect life with a husband and a child but he turned into an alcoholic. So now instead of trying to give him a good life and ending up with a bad one, I’m going to try giving him a bad one and then he will get a good life. I care very much for my owner Zoltan and I love him…
Future Zoltan: Oh my god… I can’t believe it… All this time I thought Crazy hated me and was trying to kill me or something, but now I realise he was just trying to improve my life…in a very unorthodox way, but still…
Crazy: …and then all of his happiness will give him tons of power so I will kill him and get all of the power he has and then I can finally be strong enough to fight the fifth dimensional demons and be the ruler of the universe enslaving all the living creatures into my utopia where they will all serve for Box Productions Inc.
Zoltan: Of course… I have to stop him right now!
[Zoltan morphs into the third dimension]
Zoltan: Stop right there, you Crazy cat!
Crazy: What the? Interdimensional time travel? also im a dog
[Zoltan kickpunches Crazy]
Crazy: Owie! I am so mad I am going to send you into an alternate timeline where everything is different and it's the worst possible life you could live and you have to fix everything and get back into the right timeline!
Zoltan: That’s not good.
[Zoltan disappears]
Crazy: o
[Mr. Timeline Change Detector from Death, Time Travel and Pigs shows up]
Mr. Timeline Change Detector: Hi I’m Mr. Timeline Change Detector! I can detect that you are-
Crazy: Fuck off.
[Zoltan is sent to the timeline of vintage TV show Bunny & Friends]
Zoltan: Oh no…where am I?
[Zoltan sees Bunny approaching]
Zoltan: Wait a minute…is that…OH MY GOD! BUNNY!!!!1!!!!!!!!!
Bunny: Greetings, Zoltan.
Zoltan: YOU CAN TALK?! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
[The other Bunny & Friends characters also appear]
Rabbit: I see you have returned to our realm. You have seemed to have… Aged.
Pete: your bald
Zoltan: Yes indeed. It sure is nice being with you guys again. I haven't seen you in ages.
Dinosaur Rob: I'm a dinosaur.
Zoltan: Haha, classic.
Pete: What are you doing here, master?
Zoltan: Oh, well, that's kind of hard to explain. But my putrid cat, I mean good friend Crazy sent me back to an alternate past where everything is worse, but I think he sent me into the wrong timeline because this is great!
Fox: Are you sure this is great?
Zoltan: Huh?
Bunny: Zoltan, this is the worst timeline. But not because of us… But rather because of you. You ruined our lives. You left us here. Without you, our lives are just in the same state forever. We thought you were our friend, however one day you just left us.
Zoltan: Whoa. Uh… That's not true. I spent plenty of time with you guys!
Bunny: You haven't visited us in years Zoltan.
Zoltan: Well yeah because… My fathers… French Guy and Mike.
Bunny: We know your story. I remember when Mike killed me. Fortunately I’m still alive in this alternate timeline, but still. You didn't even care about me after that.
Zoltan: Of course! I moved on! I'm not a kid anymore! I have bigger responsibilities! Like raising my child. Whom I hate.
Bunny: You don't understand, we weren't just your toys, we were… we were like family…
Zoltan: Listen, if I would have known…
Bunny: It's too late now. You can't change the past.
Zoltan: Or can I?
[Cut back to the past]
Bunny: Wow, Zoltan, you really are my best friend.
Zoltan: And you're the best bunny.
Bunny: I hope you will forever stay here with me.
Zoltan: Well, actually, I don't think I can be here much longer.
Bunny: WHAT?
[Zoltan from the future appears]
Bunny: What the?
Future Zoltan: Oh hey past me and past Bunny.
Past Zoltan: Are you like me from the future? Will I seriously end up looking like that?
Future Zoltan: No actually. You see, I'm going to fix your life.
Past Zoltan: Kool.
Future Zoltan: First, you have to stay with Bunny.
Past Zoltan: I'd like to, but…
Bunny: But what?
Future Zoltan: Listen, if you want to change, you have to commit to it. You can't make up excuses.
Past Zoltan: Are you sure this is the best for me?
Future Zoltan: It’s the only way to save the world.
Past Zoltan: Okay then.
[Past Zoltan does not do anything and in mere seconds the whole universe begins rapidly shaking and then eventually collapsing; several cracks in the sky open and time begins blurring as several incarnations of Zoltan start fading into existence; Zoltan frowns]
Bunny: You fool! You messed with the past, and now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions! The timeline is beginning to crumble, everything is coming to an end, and it’s all your fault!
Zoltan: Oopsie.
Bunny: This is what I was getting to… whilst you can’t change the past, you can change the future by acknowledging your past mistakes, and asking for forgiveness…
Zoltan: Woah…
Bunny: You could start by apologising to the universe for messing with the past.
Zoltan: Yeah! Sorry, universe!
[Suddenly, the universe stops shaking, the cracks in the sky get closed and everything turns back to normal]
Zoltan: Wow, that was easy. 
Bunny: Your journey has begun. Look into your soul, and you shall understand what to do.
Zoltan: If I understand what you mean, I should confront my own past?
Bunny: Precisely. This world that I call my home isn’t exactly what it seems. While on the surface it appears as a normal world, once you dive deeper you can see that it functions as a realm between worlds. You can choose to go from one important place in your life to the next within pure seconds, but first, you need to acquire this ability.
Zoltan: Cool. Can you give it to me?
Bunny: Well, uh, you have to apologise to someone first.
Zoltan: Who? I literally just apologised to the whole universe.
Bunny: Ahem.
Zoltan: …
Bunny: It’s someone you are seeing right now.
Zoltan: Oh, of course! Dinosaur Rob!
Bunny: bro he’s a fucking dinosaur
Zoltan: Wait, maybe I should apologise to you.
Bunny: That’s a good idea.
Zoltan: I’m sorry Bunny. You were my pet, my friend, my brother. And then…I left you behind. You died. Something happened, which should never have happened. I was little, but I must beg you for forgiveness to save the universe. So please, Bunny, consider accepting my apology. You faced such a terrible fate so many years ago. I couldn’t save you then, so let me save you now.
Bunny: Kool.
[The background transforms into various shapes and sizes in a variety of colours, as Zoltan starts floating around in the strange psychedelic visual filled world. Zoltan’s brain starts extruding from his forehead until it eventually pops, and his punctured head sucks in all the shapes, and it is revealed that perfectly arranged hexagons lie behind them; Zoltan opens one of them as if it was a door and he ends up back in Bunny’s world]
Zoltan: Oh my god… I get it now…
Bunny: I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date! 
[Suddenly, a sponge appears in front of Zoltan. The sponge seems quite…crazy]
Zoltan: ooooh shit that’s quite a crazy sponge!
Bunny: Yes, the crazy sponge! Follow the path it creates!
[After a majestic dance, Bunny and the crazy sponge run away, as Zoltan follows them]
Zoltan: I will find the answer…I will find the answer…
[Zoltan spins into the sky, where he finds a door. He enters it, and finds himself in a house]
Zoltan: Hey, this place looks familiar.
[He enters the kitchen, where he sees an injured Mike and French Guy’s head having dinner]
French Guy: So Mike… I think it’s about time you explain who that Granite fellow was.
Mike: Oh, he was just my buddy from this full server.
Zoltan: Uh, hey.
Mike: Oh hi Zoltan, care to join us for dinner?
Zoltan: Well, I am kinda hungry…
French Guy: There are baguettes in the basement.
Zoltan: Oh okay.
[Zoltan goes to the basement, as Mike and French Guy eat in silence. Suddenly, their eyes widen]
Mike: Wait…ZOLTAN?!?!?!?!?!?!??!????!?!?!?!?!?!??!?
French Guy: How…how did he get here?
[Zoltan walks back with baguettes and sits down]
Zoltan: So uh… how are you guys?
Mike: W-why did you… return? I thought we made it pretty clear that we were going to return to your house and then have a big final showdown.
Zoltan: I know, but… you guys know Bunny, right?
French Guy: Yeah, your little furry friend. I remember when you stabbed me in my penis because of it. Meowch. Didn't Mike kill it though in his rage?
Zoltan: Yes. But you see, this is like a weird parallel dimension to mine and Crazy sent me here for some reason I don't remember. But anyways Bunny still lives in its own world and today Bunny has taught me a very important lesson: you can’t change the past, but you can change the future by acknowledging your past mistakes, and asking for forgiveness…
Mike: That's deep.
French Guy: So are you trying to get us to forgive you?
Zoltan: Yes.
French Guy: But… son… That's exactly what I was trying to do. When you visited France and then went back home with your brother Tan… We were just trying to talk to you… I got you tied up, because otherwise you wouldn't listen, however I was just trying to tell you how I'm sorry for everything I've done, and how I want you to forgive me. All the things I've done, I've regretted. If only you had just stayed there… But instead I got my head chopped off…
Zoltan: Wow… I never knew that that's what you were trying to do. If only I listened.
Mike: Zoltan, I know we weren't good parental figures in your life, but I hope we can mutually forgive each other for our past mistakes…
Zoltan: Huh, I never thought this would be so easy.
French Guy: You know, Zoltan, what if you move back here, with us?
Zoltan: Nah. I just wanted you guys to forgive me.
[Zoltan walks out of the house and the two sit in silence]
Mike: …We're still gonna kill him, right?
French Guy: Yeah. I hate my child.
[Laugh track; Zoltan continues walking and stumbles upon a different house and enters it; Zoltan's Mum is sitting alone in silence]
Zoltan: (silently) She's still alive?
[Zoltan's Mum is reading a newspaper from 2003 with a Garfield comic on it]
Zoltan's Mum: Zoltan…
Zoltan: Mum? Do you hear me?
Zoltan's Mum: Zoltan…
Zoltan: Oh dear. 
Zoltan’s Mum: It’s really you…after all these years…
Zoltan: I thought you died.
Zoltan’s Mum: I did die. But I survived.
Zoltan: I see. Well… I don’t really know what to say… What I did was truly terrible and I don’t expect to be forgiven, but it’s not like I can make it any worse… Mum, I’m so sorry for when I left the house. I knew you were terribly sick, and I should’ve been there for you, even when the rain started to fall… But, I was young and foolish and thus, I didn’t care enough for you. I went away to a place far away… And when I returned it was already too late… Ken Stringfellow, your husband told me that you passed away.. I was heartbroken. I knew that it was my fault. I have carried this guilt with me for decades… And I just want to tell you that I’m sorry and I… Love you…
[Zoltan starts crying; pan out to Zoltan’s Mum, on whom’s face a single drop of tear falls down. Zoltan wipes his tears away]
Zoltan: I guess that’s it… It was good to see you again, even if this is a different dimensional thing…
Zoltan’s Mum: Yep. Cya.
[Zoltan walks out of the house and ends up in the void]
Zoltan: Oh come on.
[Crazy appears]
Crazy: Yo sup with the wack, duder. I see you are confronting your past as I planned.
Zoltan: Wait, was all of this your plan? Did you create this alternative dimension just to teach me a lesson?
Crazy: Maybe. But you still haven’t talked to everyone.
Zoltan: Are you sure? I mean who else is there?
Crazy: It’s up for you to figure that out.
[Crazy disappears, leaving Zoltan alone. Zoltan notices Mr. Ed the Talking Horse]
Mr. Ed: Talk to Mr. Ed!
Zoltan: Mr. Ed! You’re the smartest horse I’ve ever met! Do you have any wisdom you could give me?
Mr. Ed: Of course. You are quite in a wacky circumstance right now. You just have to look back and see who else you have hurt and should apologise to. Use your conscience.
Zoltan: Hm… Who could it be? GASP! The Full Server gang!
[Zoltan is magically transported to the door of the Full Server house as the Full Server theme plays]
Zoltan: Oh my… I haven’t seen this place in years.
[Zoltan walks in and finds that the whole house is empty]
Zoltan: I remember it looking more full.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh hey, the laughter’s back! Although that might be because I haven’t taken my pills…
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Okay, it’s definitely back.
[SpongeBot pops out of nowhere]
Zoltan: What the? Paige? You’re still alive?
SpongeBot: Zoltan? I thought you had died by this point.
Zoltan: No, I'm still alive… So… I've had some time to think about my actions, and I want to sincerely apologise to you. I'm deeply sorry for everything I did. I was horrible when I treated you like nothing more than a kitchen appliance…
SpongeBot: It’s about time you come to that realisation.
Zoltan: Yeah… Huh, I swear I did plenty more bad stuff in the 10 (plus one special) episodes of Full Server…
[Elmo 4 also appears]
Zoltan: Oh, hi son. I see you have aged. You graduated from a good university, right?
Elmo 4: Father, I think it was about time that you would return. We need to talk about how you abused whilst I was a child.
Zoltan: Oh come on! How is that a big deal! It was a one time thing! I just shouted at you because you cried… Man, I really was an awful parent. And I guess I’m still one now…
Elmo 4: I see you haven’t even slightly tried to change.
Zoltan: My child… Please forgive me… I can’t believe it took me this long to realise how awful a person I was! And I still am… I- I never should’ve done the things I did and-
Elmo 4: We can all make mistakes, but it's never too late to change, to apologise, and to make amends. Let's strive to create a more inclusive, respectful, and understanding world together.
Zoltan: True. Okay, since it’s not like Full Server is ever gonna get a continuation, can you just tell me  a bunch of exposition about what happened?
Elmo 4: Sure. After you moved out of the house, the family began falling apart. First, Crazy disappeared, then Pluto and Jess divorced, Prim left to go to Canada, Purple and Dan got married and started new families, Luis died again… Until it was just us Elmos and our mother SpongeBot. Elmo 2 started a cult, 3 went on to become an even bigger celebrity, 5 got a job in the military, 2 2 became a doctor… And I’m still here living with my mum.
Zoltan: What about my dear son Faggy Waggy?
Elmo 4: Dead.
Zoltan: I see. Also did Dan ever manage to free Grizz?
Elmo 4: All attempts were unsuccessful. Any more questions?
Zoltan: No, I think that’s it.
SpongeBot: Well, Zoltan, it sure was nice-
[Prim bursts into the house with his god abilities]
Prim: YOU!
SpongeBot: Prim? You returned along with Zoltan?
Prim: Bot? My dear wife!
SpongeBot: I never thought I’d see you again…
Zoltan: Oh yeah, Prim… Sorry for having sex with your wife whilst you were in Slovenia.
Prim: It's ok. Speaking of sex, I think it’s about time we do it again.
SpongeBot: But I hate sex!
Prim: So do I.
[The two laugh as Zoltan slowly walks out of the house]
Zoltan: Okay, that was definitely something. Now there’s only one person left I want to talk to.
[Zoltan appears in front of EB’s house, in the country of Georgia]
Zoltan: Wow, here I am. Well, I guess it’s time.
[Zoltan knocks on EB’s door. Joseph Stalin opens it]
Joseph Stalin: Good evening, comrade!
Zoltan: Oh hi Joe. Is EB here?
Joseph Stalin: Of course, we’re enjoying some coffee! Please, come in.
[Stalin sits down and calmly drinks his coffee, as Zoltan also sits down in front of EB]
EB: …Hello.
Zoltan: Hi, EB.
EB: I see you are back once again to try to make yourself seem in a better light just so I get back together with you. It’s not going to work. You have already tried countless times to get me to forgive you, but you can’t change. You’ll never change.
Zoltan: EB, please hear me out.
EB: I don’t want to hear it.
Zoltan: I- I know I wasn’t a good husband. I know that I’ll always be an alcoholic in your eyes, but I just want to say sorry. Today has been a weird day for me. First I ended up in my old pet’s world, then I ended up in my fathers’ house… Basically I’ve said sorry to everyone in my past and… You’re the only one left. 
EB: Okay fine, tell what you have to say.
Zoltan: Well, I’m sorry for being such a bad husband. I know I hurt you. I did things that I now regret. My alcoholism ruined me, but you need to know that it was all my fault. I don’t blame you for any of it, and neither should you. That day when you introduced me to alcohol, you never could’ve predicted what would happen to me. Today I have realised that I was a huge asshole throughout all my life, and I just want to change from now on. I just want my daughter Bot to not end up like me, and give her a fulfilling life. I’m so sorry to all the people I have hurt including you, EB, and I just want to tell you that I’ll be a changed man from now on. I always loved you, and I always will.
EB: I… Guess I forgive you. Just… Please be a good father to Bot and… Maybe stop drinking.
Zoltan: I will take that into consideration. Farewell.
[Zoltan stands up and walks out, however once he leaves the house, he falls off a mountain, because as it turns out, EB’s house is located on the top of the Caucasus mountains]
Joseph Stalin: Epic fail.
Zoltan: Damn you Stalin! I’ll have my revenge! Look out Moscow, here I-
[Zoltan lands in front of his house]
Zoltan: Yes! It’s over! It’s all back to normal! 
[He tries to open the door, but he is pushed back by a force]
Zoltan: What the hell?
Crazy: Remember, your conscience…
Zoltan: What the? Where are you?! …My conscience? Who else do I have to apologise to? Uh, Tan, my dumb brother? Paul Renaud? Golf and Aaron?
Crazy: There’s a certain someone who you hate.
Zoltan: You?
Crazy: Besides me.
Zoltan: Oh wait. I hate my child.
[Zoltan opens the door and enters]
Zoltan: Bot?
Bot: Oh hi dad.
Zoltan: There’s… something I need to tell you.
Bot: What is it?
Zoltan: I’m sorry for being a bad father. I… Know that I have always said that I hated you… But I… I really don’t… You are my child. You haven’t done anything wrong. Sure, you may have pirated a few games, but is that really that bad? Every time you went to school or weren’t there with me… I felt empty. I didn’t have somebody to be with. It’s just my alcoholism that makes me act like this. I’ve realised a lot of things about me today, and one of the most important is that I can change. Not the past, but the future. I was never nice to you, and I’m sorry for that. My life sucked, with Mike and French Guy, Zoltan’s Mum’s death… My breakup with EB… And it all just culminated with you being the only person I can project my anger onto. I’ve realised that this is not the way. Bot, please forgive me. I promise I will be a good father from now on. I just feel awful for acting like you were a punching bag. Now I realise that instead of hurting you I should’ve… Hurt CrazySponge.
Bot: Wow, that’s certainly nice to hear. I forgive you, father. I hope we can bond more now. But uh, did you say you should have hurt CrazySponge?
Zoltan: Yeah that’s right! We’re gonna kill that cat! He caused all of this! And he’s ruling over the universe in the future! We need to stop him now! Come on, daughter!
[Zoltan grabs Bot and runs out of his house and ends up back in Bunny’s world where all of Zoltan’s most important people from the past are present]
Bunny: Well, it seems like you have learned your lesson. You have fixed your mistakes. Now the only obstacle left is the person who’s working on all of this behind the scenes. 
Bot: Wait, if Crazy’s just been trying to make you fix your mistakes, why are you trying to kill him?
Zoltan: Because he’s been doing all this to get ultimate control over all the universes and enslave all of humanity for his own good.
Bot: Oh okay. I have no idea how that works but okay.
[The sky begins tearing apart as Crazy emerges from a hole in the earth sitting on a throne]
Crazy: My name is CrazySponge, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Zoltan: There he is. Oi, Mike! Frenchie! Mum! Now that I have proven to change, could you guys help me?
Mike: Uh… In what way exactly?
Zoltan: Well, beating Crazy with sheer muscles is a ridiculous idea, as he is a god amongst men. The only way we could defeat him is by… ✨The power of friendship✨.
EB: I believe him.
Crazy: What in tarnation did you do? Why would you bring me here… I’m supposed to be in the future controlling all of humanity! But now I’m here in this fake timeline! Who is going to fix this?
Zoltan: Stop right there, you tyrant! We will fix this with… ✨The power of friendship✨.
Crazy: I guess the prophecies were true... Friendship is magic.
[All of Zoltan’s family members start cheering for him]
Zoltan: Prepare to die, you stupid cat.
Crazy: I’m a dog.
[Zoltan flies up into the air and forms his hand into a fist and aims for Crazy’s head]
Crazy: o
[Zoltan punches into Crazy’s head with maximum force, and Crazy starts disappearing like in Endgame]
Crazy: Ah…I can’t believe it…this is impossible…you…you won’t…
[In Crazy’s final moments, he manages to summon a house, which falls from the sky and crushes Zoltan. Everyone gasps]
Crazy: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
[With Crazy disappearing the whole universe does so as well]
Bunny: Oh no. Not again.
Bot: Dad! Are you okay? 
Zoltan: Hmhmhmhmhmhmhhm.
Bunny: Zoltan, you must use your powers one final time. We are disappearing. You have to act. We won’t be together, everything will return to normal. But you must act, with your last forces, and save the universe. You will keep your memories, so don’t worry, today will be a part of you, forever.
[As the universe is about to disappear, the house rises into the sky, as Zoltan starts flying. He unleashes all his powers, and the screen turns to white as everything resets; cut to everything back to normal in Zoltan’s house at evening where Jarvis Zagna is still a guest]
Jarvis: And that’s why I will never order from Pizza Hut again.
[Everyone except Zoltan laughs, as he is very confused]
Jarvis: You know, Zoltan, I really like this place. Actually, would you mind if I stayed here? I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I don’t really care about Argentina. This place is a lot better.
Zoltan: Uh, yeah. Suuure.
Jarvis: Aw, thanks bud! I can sense wacky and hilarious hijinks ensuing from this!
Zoltan: So, uh, wait… What happened to Golf and Aaron?
Jarvis: Your neighbours? They’re perfectly fine. It’s not like anything happened to them.
Bot: Yeah, they just talked to us a few hours ago.
Zoltan: I’m gonna grab a beer.
[Zoltan walks to the fridge and grabs a beer]
Crazy: Hey Zoltan.
Zoltan: Oh… You’re still… So… Did any of what just happened… Actually happen?
Crazy: Well, in another timeline. But it was more like it all happened in your psyche. If you want to actually cause change, you have to do it for real.
Zoltan: So everything is back to normal like nothing happened, but all of it will remain in my memories.
Crazy: Yeah. So, did you learn your lesson?
Zoltan: Yeah. I can't change the past, however I can change the future. Also I’ll be nice to Bot from now on.
Crazy: Good.
[Zoltan walks back with a beer]
Jarvis: Geez, I can already imagine living here with you guys!
Bot: Uh, dad, I’m sorry but unfortunately we can’t cook meth tomorrow. Remember when I talked about going to the University of Kent? Yeah, I will actually be going there soon, so I have to start preparing.
Zoltan: Oh.
Bot: Yeah, you know, Liz and Travis are also gonna go there, and so am I. But we can still keep in touch.
Zoltan: (smiling) It’s great to see you again, Bot.
Bot: Okay… I never left?
Zoltan: Oh, uh, you wouldn’t get it.
Bot: Well, I’ll be heading off.
Zoltan: Oh hey, Bot, can we speak… Tomorrow? I want to talk with you.
Bot: Sure…
[Bot walks into her room and Zoltan is satisfied with what he accomplished in the alternate timeline]
Jarvis: Heh, Zoltan, did you reality shift like NotJoe? You look like you somehow learned to finally like your child through a multiversal journey through time and space or something.
Zoltan: Nah, I hate my child.
[The audience cheers]
Mr. Renaud: (disembodied voice)  And... we're clear.
[The credits roll as Whip Your Kids by Your Favourite Martian plays]
Created by: CartoonGuy277
Written by: CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40
Patreon supporters: Thatjess
Dedicated to: Zoltan’s Mum
=== (Z‡) I hate my child. Short 7: Teaser. [August 21, 2042] {"Zoltan40"} ===
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desart. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is CrazySponge, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E1: My child goes to university. [September 3, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, thatjess, Purple133}===
[The episode begins in the I hate my child. household, where Bot is packing their stuff in a luggage suitcase]
Zoltan: It’s about time you leave this place. I hate my child.
Bot: I love you too, Dad.
Zoltan: It’s about time My child goes to university.
Cactus: We’ll miss you Bot! I’ll keep pirating in your name.
Bot: Aargh.
Jarvis: Oh right, you’re going to college. I forgot about that. I have more important things to do, like playing rugby.
Bot: I’m going to university, but ok.
Crazy: Soooooooo, when are you leaving? Woof.
Bot: (checks watch) Right now.
[A spaceship parks outside the I hate my child house]
Bot: Ah, that must be my ride.
Zoltan: Go, Bot! Go out and zap to the extreme!
Bot: I will! Thank you, father!
[Bot grabs their things and rushes out of the house and flies off in the spaceship to university.]
Zoltan: We’re finally free.
Crazy: Now I can catch up on my car repair videos.
[Crazy turns on the Super Mega Epic TV they have in their house that has never been brought up before and it doesn’t make much sense that they can even afford it because they are dirt poor however let’s not go into that right now, and starts playing Fortnite 2 on max volume]
Zoltan: You fucking donkey, stop disturbing my peace with the devil’s games! Back in my day, we used our imagination.
[Cutaway to Ancient Mesopotamia in 6000 BC. Zoltan is there]
Zoltan: I wonder what I should do today. Oh, I know! I should invent slavery.
Smooth voiceover: And so, slavery was invented. That’s how I got this job.
Zoltan: What is that voice? Is it the sun god speaking to me?
Bot: Sunny day innit.
Zoltan: Silence, slave!
[Zoltan throws a rock at Bot]
Zoltan: (Harold Shipman voice) Now that’s funny.
[Cut back to them in the house]
Crazy: What.
Zoltan: That’s right, without me, Elon Musk would be a nobody!
Crazy: Don’t even mention Elon Musk…
[Cut to Bot at the university of Kent]
Bot: Ah, university. A new place to shape my career and meet new people.
Liz: Oh hey Bot, been a while since we last met.
Bot: Liz, you degenerate! I’m so happy to see you again!
Travis: Hey Auger.
Bot: Travis!
Travis: Wait, how did you even get into university? You only got F’s in high school….
Liz: Wait, we all did.
Bot: I don’t know, we were probably too old for Renaud so he let us pass just to get rid of us or something. 
Liz: So, what subject are you gonna be taking?
Bot: Computer science.
Travis: Oh, with Mr. Baker?
Bot: Yeahhhhh…
Liz: Oh I got Mr. Baker too!
Smooth voiceover: Baking Bad.
Liz: So, see ya.
[Cut back to Zoltan and the gang]
Jarvis: What are you gonna do now that Bot isn’t here?
Zoltan: I don’t know. This doesn’t happen often. Bot has done nothing for all of their life since I adopted- I mean… Bot has done nothing since they were born. They have just been wasting time for years, I don’t think they have even gone outside at all for the last few weeks. I haven’t even considered the idea of Bot not being here for more than a day before…
Jarvis: Damn, that’s deep. You should start playing rugby with me.
Zoltan: If you bring up rugby one more time, I will kill you.
Jarvis: Meowch!
Cactus: Didn’t you say a while back that you went to dentist school?
Zoltan: Oh yeah. I graduated and everything, but then my stupid fucking friends wanted to make an incest family instead. God, I hate them.
Crazy: Dentist? Really? That’s lame as hell.
Zoltan: DENTISTS ARE VERY COOL! THEY GET ALL THE BITCHES!
Crazy: I haven’t brushed my teeth in ages and I get bitches.
[Cutaway to Zoltan walking Crazy at the dog park. Crazy approaches a female dog (bitch).]
Crazy: ‘Sup?
[The bitch sniffs Crazy’s bad breath.]
Bitch: I’m gay.
[Cut back.]
Zoltan: That’s very unhealthy and false! This world needs good teeth…I must go back to my ROOTS, and fix people’s teeth!
Cactus: What are teeth?
Zoltan: You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, they are arguing]
Golf: I’m telling you, Spingebill did nothing wrong!
Aaron: All those kids, all those people, all dead in an instant!
Smooth voiceover: Foreshadowing…
Golf: They were gonna die at some point anyway.
Aaron: You- you can’t be serious! You must be crazy… sponge…
Smooth voiceover: Killing myself.
Golf: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with trolls. And trolls make me crazy.
Aaron: How many times do I have to tell you, trolls aren’t real!
Golf: I still see them. You’re a troll, nimrod.
Aaron: That’s it. You’re clearly not healthy.
Prim: Meow. I think you should get therapy.
Golf: Therapy?! That’s crazy speak. Therapy’s for insane people.
[Aaron and Prim blankly stare at Golf]
Golf: What? I am perfectly sane. I’m just as sane as Percy from the walls!
Prim: Who the hell is Percy?
Golf: Come on, you know Percy! The guy who lives in our walls? The fourth roommate in this house?
Aaron: Jesse what the fuck are you talking about?
Golf: Do you guys not remember all those great times we’ve had with Percy over the years?
[Golf begins looking at the ceiling for a few seconds]
Aaron: Yup, he definitely isn’t okay. Do you know any therapists?
Prim: Oh yeah, there’s this bird guy called Sparro. He’s pretty popular.
Aaron: (pirate voice) Aaargh.
Prim: Huh?
Aaron: Jack Sparro.
[Everyone in the room stares at Aaron]
Aaron: Sorry. Let’s just go to Sparro.
[Cut to an establishing shot of Basildon Medical Centre. Zoltan is at the parking area]
Zoltan: Ah, been a long time since I was last here. Doctors are for nerds. We stan dentists though.
[Zoltan walks into reception and approaches the receptionist.]
Zoltan: Hello there my fair lady, gentlemen, and/or non-binary friend. I would like to become a dentist please.
Receptionist: Pfffffttt, you’re funny.
Zoltan: I’m serious.
Receptionist: Oh. You can’t just walk in here and ask to become a dentist. Becoming a dentist involves at least five years’ study at dental school approved by the General Dental Council, followed by one or two years of supervised postgraduate dental training. Most entrants require three As at A-level, although one year pre-dental courses are offered by some dental schools.
Zoltan: Bitch I graduated like a decade ago. I knew that stupid incest family was a terrible idea.
Receptionist: I’m sorry but we’re just not looking for new dentists at this time.
Zoltan: FUCK YOU!
[Zoltan angrily storms out of the reception and back into the parking lot.]
Zoltan: Stupid fucking receptionist. I’m becoming a dentist today whether she likes it or not.
[Another dentist gets out of his car]
Dentist: Ah! I can’t wait for another BEAUTIFUL day at work! I wonder what amazing dentist things I will get up to toda-
[Zoltan sneaks up behind the dentist and brutally beats him to death, then steals his clothes and ID]
Zoltan: (checks ID) Call me Lenny now.
[Zoltan walks back into the reception]
Receptionist: For fuck’s sake, it’s you again.
Zoltan: No it’s not. I’m Lenny. See?
[Zoltan holds up Lenny’s ID. Lenny is black.]
Receptionist: You look different somehow.
Zoltan: Yeah, I… got a new haircut.
Receptionist: Ah, my apologies. Have a nice day, Lenny.
[Zoltan walks in Lenny’s dentist office, taking his place]
Zoltan: Another day, another toothache.
[A patient walks in]
Patient: Uh, hey doc, my teeth are rotten to the core.
Zoltan: Just like my child. Welp, no problem I can’t fix.
[Zoltan grabs his dental drill and begins drilling away the remaining teeth of the patient]
Zoltan: That didn’t hurt, right?
[The patient is in immense pain, and is unable to speak]
Patient: ABABAJFP3UDSVJL\DCUDV
Zoltan: Well, time for the implants.
[Zoltan grabs an actual drill, fake teeth and screws]
Zoltan: Don't worry, this won't hurt either.
Patient: OGRHKHNONSJODCNKONO
[As Zoltan continues torturing the client, cut to Bot at one of Mr. Baker's lectures]
Liz: AUUUUGGGGHHHH… this is SO BORING! I thought computer science would be fun. It’s like normal science but with technology.
Bot: Well at least our teacher isn’t a nonce this time and we don’t have to be afraid.	
Mr. Baker: I am a pedophile. Be very afraid.
Bot: GOD FUCKING-
[Cut to Golf, Aaron and Prim also entering the medical centre]
Golf: Uh, howdy hey, I have an appointment with Dr. Sparro? My roommate and our cat want me to see a therapist even though I am TOTALLY SANE and do not need any intervention whatsoever.
Receptionist: Ugh, what’s with all these weirdos today?
Golf: I’m not a weirdo. Percy says I’m totally normal and reasonable.
Receptionist: Yeah uh Dr. Sparro’s office is right next to Dr. Lenny’s office.
Aaron: Dr. Lenny? The dentist?
Receptionist: Yeah, the guy who designed this building was a total fraggle.
[Flashback to Daddy Pig building the medical centre]
Daddy Pig: Hoho! I’m a bit of an expert at building medical centres.
[The building collapses behind him; cut back to the present]
Golf: Goood golly gee that's just great.
Aaron: We’ll be waiting in the car listening to power electronics made by sex offenders.
Prim: Why did I even come?
[Cut to Golf entering Sparro’s office]
Golf: Uh, hello? H-Hello?
Sparro: Greetings. You must be Golf.
Golf: Erm… yeah, that’s me.
Sparro: Like whoa.
[Sitcom cheering and applause sound effect.]
Golf: (frantically looking around) Who was that?!
Sparro: Schizophrenia?
Golf: Schizo- I AM NOT CRAZY!
Sparro: Sponge?
[Sparro grabs a sponge and uses it to wipe off his sweat.]
Sparro: The situation is much more serious than I thought. So sit down, and try to relax.
[Golf sits down]
Sparro: So tell me, when did this all start?
Golf: Well… I had a very rough childhood. I never knew my Kenyan father, as he had to escape to Mexico while I was in my mother’s womb. My mother herself was an Indonesian prostitute, who died of dementia when I was just a young lad.
Sparro: Like whoa. Hm, that’s quite a circumstance.
Golf: Also my mother was a music enjoyer so that didn’t really help.
Sparro: You dislike music?
Golf: Yuh.
Sparro: How so?
Golf: I don’t know, I think it just causes people to stop being productive. And people not being productive is very wrong and bad.
Sparro: Why do you care so much about productivity?
Golf: cuz
Sparro: Alright, that is totally reasonable and fully understandable. So let’s talk about Aaron.
Golf: How do you know my good roommate and platonic acquaintance Aaron?
Sparro: Well, your friend Aaron-
Golf: I don’t have “friends”. Friendship is unproductive.
Sparro: I see… So, do you want to talk about your… platonic acquaintance?
Golf: Yes, actually.
[Cut back to Zoltan in his office, covered in blood]
Zoltan: Next.
[Recurring fan favorite I hate my child. character Granite walks in]
Granite: Good afternoon, Dr. Lenny. I must say, you look different.
Zoltan: Yeah, uh, I started wearing makeup.
Granite: Men wearing makeup? That’s disgusting. The world’s gone woke! Bloody liberal wankers…
Zoltan: …So what’s your problem?
Granite: I’m British.
[Closeup of Granite’s rotten teeth]
Granite: I also might have broken a tooth while eating a hamburger naked the other day.
Zoltan: What the fuck.
Granite: Don’t question it, it’s a British thing. Want some bangers and mosh? 
Zoltan: Well my child is British and I’ve never seen them eating burgers in the nude. I hate that stupid child.
Granite: Can you fix my teeth or what?
Zoltan: Of course! I didn’t murder a probably innocent human being and then commit identity fraud by pretending to be him for nothing.
Granite: What?
[Zoltan takes out a sledgehammer.]
Zoltan: Open wide.
Granite: Whoa, duder, don’t you think that’s a bit too dramatic? I mean, I know you dislike cavities but still…
Zoltan: (in markiplier random encounters fnaf musical voice) Blah, blah, blah, that’s completely absurd.
[Zoltan completely obliterates Granite’s teeth]
Granite: Owie.
Zoltan: That will be 200 dollars.
Granite: Wha ‘e ‘ell?
Zoltan: Haha he can’t say consonants.
Granite: (consonantless speech) This is even worse than before!
Zoltan: Sounds like a you problem.
Granite: Blimey.
Zoltan: Ugh fine I guess you can have those old people fake teeth things.
[Zoltan gives him dentures]
Granite: Uh, thanks doc. You know, you kind of remind me of someone…
Zoltan: No I don’t. I’m your wacky dentist Lenny.
Granite: I’m just saying, you look like one of my neo-nazi friends.
Zoltan: Mike?
Granite: Yeah! Wait, how’d you know his name? Are you a fellow nazi too?
Zoltan: …
Granite: Hold on… Are you… Oh my God….
Zoltan: I AM NOT ZOLTAN! Even though he is a very fine gentleman if I do say so myself.
Granite: I was thinking you were Fireman Sam but sure. Well, have a good day.
[Granite leaves the room]
Zoltan: Phew. That was close.
[Granite enters the room again]
Granite: Sorry, do you know where the nearest brony convention is?
Zoltan: KILL YOURSELF NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Granite: Wait a minute…you’re Mike’s bastard son, Zoltan!
Zoltan: Bastard?! You must be Granite, aren’t ya?
Granite: Uh… I can neither confirm nor deny that without a lawyer present.
[NotJoe reality shifts into the room]
NotJoe: I’m the Darn Bug Guy-
[Zoltan pushes NotJoe back into his dimension]
Granite: Nooooooo! DeathToAllJews… He was my favourite lawyer… Oh well… Also I’m telling Mike.
Zoltan: Oh no bro.
[Granite leaves the room and Renaud enters, with a silly fake mustache]
Renaud: (in a fake german accent) Hallo, I am… Raul Penaud. Ich come from Doichland, land of Douche.
Zoltan: Ah great, another nazi.
Renaud: Nein nein! I am no nazi, I’m just a probably offensive stereotype of a very humble German child. Man. I meant man.
Zoltan: …Alright. So what seems to be your problem.
Renaud: Tooth hurty.
Zoltan: I see.
[Cut to Bot in university]
Mr. Baker: And that’s how Lenin made Russia great again.
Liz: Uh, what does this have to do with computers?
Mr. Baker: What’s a computer?
Bot: I miss home.
Liz: I thought your father hated you.
Bot: Well yeah but he wasn’t a communist pedophile.
Mr. Baker: Okay you can uh do university stuff now. Don’t mind me. [grabs some lube]
Liz: Great! Let’s smoke weed!
Travis: Vegan weed.
[Cut to Golf at therapy]
Sparro: So you had to live with your brother in Antarctica?
Golf: Yeah… All alone…
Sparro: Huh, I can see how that contributed to your mental state. Must have been very tough for you. Do you have anyone to talk to?
Golf: Well for one there’s my moronic roommate Aaron.
Sparro: Ah yes. Is he a good roommate?
Golf: A good roommate? No. He sits on his ass all day, jerking off while he listens to mindless music. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.
Sparro: And what about you? What do you do to contribute to society?
Golf: I trade stocks.
Sparro: Amazing. Okay, do you have any pets?
Golf: Well I’ve got a cat. He’s named Prim. I stole him from Canada.
Sparro: You take good care of him, right?
Golf: Uh… Of course! I feed him every couple of months, and when he is dying I sometimes give him some water.
Sparro: Nice, nice. I must say, you’re a very interesting person, Mr. Pecks.
Golf: Never call me that again.
[Cut back to Renaud]
Zoltan: Okay, let me check your teeth with my advanced dentist technology.
Renaud: Hey! I only let small children and babies put stuff in my mouth.
Zoltan: (Mr. Heckles voice) I could be a small child.
Renaud: You look like you’re in your forties.
Zoltan: I’m just big boned.
[Zoltan checks Renaud’s teeth with his advanced dentist technology]
Zoltan: Uh, this mustache looks pretty fake.
Renaud: No this is real German mustache. No Mickey Mouse stuff.
Zoltan: Uh huh.
[Zoltan rips it off]
Zoltan: PAUL RENAUD?!
Renaud: Well… You got me.
[Renaud gets out of the very cool dentist chair and hits Zoltan in the face]
Zoltan: MEOWCH!
Renaud: And you’re Zoltan! Not Lenny. 
Zoltan: What gave it away?
Renaud: Your scent smells just like your child’s. Mmm… gorgeous. Also I saw you murder Lenny in the parking lot.
Zoltan: And your first thought was to pretend to be a German stereotype and book an appointment with me solely because you have the hots for a minor?
Renaud: That basically sums it up. Now, where the hell is Bot?
Zoltan: What? I’m not telling you, bro. You’re a pedophile!
Renaud: Tell me or I’ll…
[Renaud grabs a [insert dentist tool here later, do not leave this in]]
Renaud: Kill you with this thing!
Zoltan: Uh… Okay, they’re at the University of Kent and-
Renaud: Oh, uh, thanks.
Zoltan: Damn it.
Renaud: My good friend Mr. Baker works there. We’ll finally get to enact our secret plan…
Zoltan: What the hell are you two planning on doing?
Renaud: You’ll see. You’ll all see!
[Renaud jumps out of the window]
Zoltan: Whatever, it’s my dentist lunch break anyway.
[Zoltan goes to the dentist lounge, where all the other dentists are brushing their teeth]
Zoltan: Ah yes. Hello there, my fellow dentists.
Dentist: Uh, who’re you?
Zoltan: I’m Lenny. You guys remember me, right?
[The dentists stare at Zoltan in silence]
Dentist 2: …no you’re not.
Zoltan: What do you mean? Of course I am! I’ve been impersonating him all day and no one’s questioned it until now.
[Another dentist walks in]
Dentist 3: Guys… Lenny’s dead. He was found in the parking lot, naked.
[All of the dentists look at Zoltan]
Zoltan: uh oh !
Smooth voiceover: OJ Simpson.
Dentist: Oh my God, they killed Lenny!
Dentist 2: You bastards!
Zoltan: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Dentist 3: You killed and impersonated my best friend!
Zoltan: I can explain.
Dentist 2: Really?
Zoltan: No, not really.
[Dentist 3 starts beating up Zoltan]
Dentist 3: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Zoltan: A very nice dentist who forgives people for murdering his friends?
[Dentist 3 removes his dentist clothes, revealing a Gangster SpongeBob shirt underneath]
Dentist 3: I’M FEARED GANG LEADER AND TERRORIST SPINGEBILL!
[The other dentists also reveal their gang member jacket stuff]
Zoltan: Zoinks!
[The gang members all start shooting at Zoltan with firearms, and he begins running out of the building, running past Sparro’s office; cut to inside that very exact office]
Sparro: Well Golf, I think it’s safe to say that-
[Sparro gets shot]
Golf: EVERY SINGLE TIME! Screw this therapy stuff. I’m leaving.
[Golf leaves the office, walking past gang members shooting at Zoltan]
Golf: Oh, howdy neighbor. Didn’t expect to see you here.
Zoltan: Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something here.
[A bullet flies next to Zoltan]
Zoltan: On second thought, could you drive me back home right now maybe?
Golf: Sure whatever.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim listening to power electronics made by sex offenders in the car]
Prim: I want to die.
[Zoltan and Golf hop into the car]
Zoltan: DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!
Aaron: HEY WE’RE LISTENING TO SEX OFFENDER MUSI-
[The gang members start shooting at the car] 
Aaron: OH DEAR LOL
[The car speeds off as the gang members keep shooting]
SpingeBill: We’ll get you! We’ll kill you in your own home if we have to!
Zoltan: Oh dear, I got myself into quite a pickle.
[They all drive away; cut to them arriving at their houses]
Zoltan: Thanks Golf, you’re the best!
Aaron: That’s the first time anyone has ever said that.
Golf: No problem, Zoltan. Time to lie on the floor.
[Aaron, Golf and Prim go into their house]
Golf: Well that went horribly.
Percy from the walls: Hey Golf! How was therapy?
Prim: What the fu-
[Zoltan goes inside his house and starts locking all doors and windows]
Jarvis: Zoltan?! Are you okay? You look a bit distressed.
Zoltan: Oh, it’s just some gangsters or whatever that are after me.
Jarvis: Ah, that’s cool.
[Cut to the university, where Mr. Baker is looking intensely at his computer. The bell rings]
Mr. Baker: Bye everyone!
Bot: Finally, this is over. Am I right Liz? …Liz? Travis?
[Liz and Travis are very high]
Bot: Sigh. Good thing I’m a clean child.
[The students leave the classroom, and a few seconds later, Renaud enters]
Renaud: Hello, friend.
Mr. Baker: [quickly closes his computer in fear, but smiles as he realizes who just entered the classroom] Paul! It’s so great to see you again! What are you doing here?
Renaud: My friend, I believe you have some of my former students in your class.
Mr. Baker: Yes… I’ve become very acquainted with this Bot you’ve always told me so much about.
Renaud: I think now’s finally the perfect time for our plan to come to fruition…
[Lightning strikes as they both laugh evilly, as the episode fades to black]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E2: My child is a murderer. [September 4, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40, thatjess, Then bends} ===
[Establishing shot of the I hate my child. household. Zoltan is in the living room, nailing large pieces of wood over the window.]
Cactus: Why are you blocking off all the windows again? I’m a plant, I need sunlight.
Zoltan: There’s no time, man! I need to make sure the left-wing liberals can’t find me! And by left-wing liberals I mean SpingeBill.
Crazy: I think you’re just being crazy, and that’s usually my thing. Woof.
Zoltan: Don’t you guys get it?! The woke brigade is after us! …and by the woke brigade I mean SpingeBill’s gang of deadly dentist terrorists.
Jarvis: Not gonna lie, the woke left being after us sounds more plausible than a terrorist group who also happen to all be dentists.
Zoltan: Hey, this is dead serious! SpingeBill’s the modern Osama bin Laden! My life is on the line here!
Cactus: What did you do to piss off a terrorist organisation anyway?
Zoltan: I killed some guy called Lenny and stole his identity so I could be a dentist.
Cactus: …yeah that sounds like a Zoltan thing to do.
Zoltan: I didn’t know dentists were involved with terrorism!
Crazy: Wait, wait, wasn’t there like a… mafia guy or something in this neighborhood?
Zoltan: You mean that CartoonGuy chick? I don’t know, last time he burned down an entire building.
Jarvis: Hey, that’s my son! I didn’t know he was a member of the mafia though. Good for him, good for him.
Zoltan: What does this have to do with my situation though?
Crazy: I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud but maybe the dentist gang might leave you alone if you somehow got the mafia behind you.
Zoltan: That’s… actually a decent idea. Thanks, Crazy!
[Zoltan walks off-screen further into the house.]
Crazy: That’s… (a tear falls from his eye) that’s the first time anyone’s ever said “thanks” to me.
[Zoltan walks back into the shot wearing a full set of knight armor.]
Zoltan: I’m gonna go talk to CartoonGuy.
[Zoltan leaves; Cactus turns to Jarvis]
Cactus: …You didn’t know that your son was a mafia member? He’s like…………………….. one of the big ones…………….
Jarvis: I have like 20 sons and 12 rugby games to focus on, give me a break, okay?
Cactus: 20?
Jarvis: My wife cheats on me with other men.
Smooth voiceover: Womp womp.
[Cut to Zoltan breaking into CartoonGuy’s house through the window]
CartoonGuy: Come on, that was my favourite window, man!
Zoltan: Eh, fugget about it!
[Epic sauce laughter!]
CartoonGuy: Zoltan? Why are you dressed like you’re from the medieval times?!
Zoltan: I need to protect myself. The dentists are after me…
CartoonGuy: THE dentists?
Zoltan: Yuh.
CartoonGuy: Damn, sorry dude. Once SpingeBill’s after you, you’re kinda fucked. Why did you come here and damage my property like that though?
Zoltan: You’re part of the mafia, right?
CartoonGuy: Zoltan, you know not all Italians have mafia connections, right? That is a harmful and rude stereotype.
Zoltan: But you do have mafia connections, right?
CartoonGuy: Yeah.
Zoltan: Do you think they could maybe protect me?!
CartoonGuy: What? The mafia doesn’t just protect anyone for nothing.
Zoltan: But- But- I’m your best friend!
CartoonGuy: I mean… I guess I could ask if you could join the mafia, maybe. We could use an extra hand to do the dishes and massage the boss’ feet and stuff.
Zoltan: That’s more of a job for my idiot brother. I want to be a murderer!
CartoonGuy: Okay, fine, maybe I could vouch for you being given a slightly higher but still low tier rank.
[Zoltan pumps his fist in the air.]
Zoltan: Yippee!
CartoonGuy: But the mafia is dead serious, Zoltan. They’re not just gonna let you waltz right in and join just like that.
[Cut to Zoltan and CartoonGuy at the mafia base.]
Mafia Boss: Alright, so we’re just gonna let you waltz right in and join just like that.
Zoltan: Frickin’ sweet.
CartoonGuy: What the hell?! It took like a month of me doing trials and proving my loyalty and shit for you to let me join!
Mafia Boss: Yeah, but this guy’s Hungarian. We could use him for the diversity quota.
Zoltan: Let’s go! I’m a statistic!
CartoonGuy: I’m diverse too! I’m literally Italian!
Mafia Boss: Mate, it’s the mafia. We’re all literally Italian here.
Zoltan: Yo, I was right! I guess being racist really pays off.
CartoonGuy: I’m going to kill myself.
Zoltan: You know, this reminds me of the time I went to get my car washed!
[Cutaway to the Zoltan at the “Car Wash,” getting his car washed]
Zoltan: (looks up, and points) Hey, what’s tha-
[A bus crashes into his car. A man emerges from the window of the bus, holding a pizza]
PizzaGuy27: Pizza time.
Zoltan: Oh, you think this is funny?
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house]
Golf: I’m going to be productive today.
Aaron: Really? How so?
Golf: I’m going to start a new business…. I will get MILLIONS!
Prim: Ah, I see you’ve also discovered the amazing world of OnlyFans.
Golf: No, you stupid cat. I’ll be starting a lemonade stand!
Aaron: Selling lemonade isn’t gonna make you a millionaire.
Golf: Uh, how would you know? All you do is listen to those idiotic songs over and over again. They drive me crazy.
Aaron: I am a professional lawyer, I just don’t get any clients.
Golf: Maybe you would get more clients if you stopped repeatedly listening to that song about counting sheep in the sky. I swear, everytime you listen to that I hear someone eating chips as well.
Aaron: hm
Prim: I don’t think that’s the sound of chips.
Golf: This lemonade stand is gonna be a great success. You will all realise that I was right all along…you shall all bow in front of the CEO of Lemonade Studios.
Aaron: I thought it was called Banana Studios.
Golf: I’ve realised that bananas are unproductive.
Aaron: What about strawberries?
Golf: They’re VERY productive. But if I sell them then I won’t be able to eat them anymore. That’s why I am selling lemonade.
Prim: Talk about filler, Patrick.
Golf: Well, off I go.
[Golf goes outside to his already set up lemonade stand]
Golf: buy lemonade please.
[A duck walks up to the lemonade stand]
Golf: Oooh! My first customer! Welcome!
[And he says to the man running the stand:]
Duck: Hey!
[Bum bum bum.]
Duck: Got any grapes?
[The man says:]
Golf: No, we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold and it’s fresh and it’s all homemade! Can I get you a glass?
[The duck says:]
Duck: I’ll pass.
[And he waddles away. Waddle waddle. And he waddles away. Waddle waddle.]
Golf: Huh.
[Cut to Bot in university]
Mr. Baker: Boring, boring, boring. Do you know who’s boring? Me.
Bot: This is quite boring.
Mr. Baker: Well, the bell is about to ring. I can’t wait to cook meth.
Bot: Huh? Travis, Liz, did you hear-
[Pan-out to reveal Travis and Liz are sleeping]
Bot: Maybe I’m going crazy.
Smooth voiceover: Sponge.
Mr. Baker: Bot, could you come here for a minute?
Bot: I don’t think I want to.
Mr. Baker: But I’m having some problems on my computer.
Bot: Aren’t you the technology guy here?
Mr. Baker: Will you just come here?
Bot: (in Talking Ben voice) Ugh.
[Bot walks up to Mr. Baker]
Mr. Baker: Okay, so a bunch of my files just disappeared.
Bot: Uh, you should check the recycle bin.
Mr. Baker: Alright.
[Mr. Baker opens the recycle bin; only Bot’s facial expression of pure disgust and terror are shown]
Bot: Dude what the fuck?! Those are children!
Mr. Baker: Yes! Anyway, do you wanna make meth?
Bot: What?!
Mr. Baker: Come on, Jesse. You know the business, and I know the chemistry.
Bot: You are a pedophile.
Mr. Baker: You’re goddamn right. But everyone knows that I’ve got no ulterior motives here and I’m telling you the truth. I just want to cook meth to make some good money. Teachers are really underpaid.
Bot: And I’m really underage.
Mr. Baker: Precisely!
Bot: Look, Mr. Baker, I’ve been to prison once. It wasn’t pretty, I was forced to stay there for like… a while.
Mr. Baker: Yes, yes. Renaud’s already told me about that.
Bot: Renaud? As in… Paul Renaud? …Paul Renaud from my old school? You know him?
Mr. Baker: Let’s just say… he’s my colleague.
Bot: Oh god oh f*ck.
[Cut to Zoltan and CartoonGuy]
Zoltan: Okay, so, I’m not saying this mafia business isn’t really cool or anything, because it totally is, but when do I get to have a machete?
[CartoonGuy beats Zoltan’s face with a machete]
Zoltan: Ow.
CartoonGuy: Patience. Do you think people just have power and wealth given to them on a silver platter?
Zoltan: Elon Musk did.
CartoonGuy: Elon Musk is a bigot.
Zoltan: Yes, and?
CartoonGuy: This is the mafia. We might be murderers, but we’re not republicans. Just look at Gay Tony over there!
Gay Tony: [gay noises]
Zoltan: Wow, what a progressive community.
CartoonGuy: You will get yourself a big boy machete in time. For now, the boss said you could have this.
[CartoonGuy hands Zoltan a water pistol.]
Zoltan: …the fuck am I meant to do with this?
CartoonGuy: It’s your official mafia gun. You shoot it and it goes bang bang.
Zoltan: But this is a toy for children!
CartoonGuy: Every great mafia member needs to start somewhere.
[Cut to Zoltan sulking in the mafia gender neutral bathroom.]
Zoltan: This is bullshit. (mockingly) “Every great mafia member needs to start somewhere.” I want a machete! What was it my mum always used to say?
[Flashback to Zoltan’s Mum talking to Zoltan as a child.]
Zoltan’s Mum: If fish can have a machete, then so can I!
[Zoltan’s Mum cuts down a part of their house with the machete; cut back to the present.]
Zoltan: I know! I just need to make the rest of the mafia gang respect me! Then I can have a machete! …but how am I meant to do that?
[Two mafia members enter the gender neutral bathroom and start pissing down the urinals.]
Mafia member 1: Yo Abuelita, I can’t fucking believe the rugby score last night.
Mafia member 2: Yeah, Argentina fucked us over real bad.
Mafia member 1: It’s all that fucking Jarvis Zagna’s fault. He carries the entire team. God, I’d give anything for someone to kill him.
Mafia member 2: Even your machete?
Mafia member 1: Yuh.
[A lightbulb appears over Zoltan’s head.]
Zoltan: I know! Maybe if I kill the mafia boss everyone will fear me!
[The two mafia members look at Zoltan]
Zoltan: The just kidding star! I’d never do that. I love our boss!
Mafia member 1: Yeah doesn’t seem suspicious at all.
[The mafia members walk off]
Zoltan: Okay, nevermind. Killing the boss would just get me in more trouble. Wait… weren’t they talking about morbillionaire Jarvis Zagna? I know that guy! If I kill him, I’ll get my machete! I'm going to murder Jarvis Zagna!
[Zoltan walks out as well; cut to Golf at his lemonade stand, Prim is next to him. An ice cream truck drives by]
Golf: Stupid ice cream truck.
Prim: Now you’re sounding just like Zoltan’s husband.
Golf: Quiet, pussycat. We have had no other customers apart from that stupid duck. We need better marketing.
Prim: Maybe you should expand your horizons.
[Prim places some lasagna on the lemonade stand. Suddenly, a crowd of people surrounds the lemonade stand]
Golf: WHAT?! But lasagna is unproductive!
Prim: Yeah, you’re right.
[Prim devours all of the lasagna, making the entire crowd of people turn to dust]
Golf: That’s troubling.
Prim: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Golf: None of this would be happening if Biden wouldntof stolen that stupid election…
[Cut to Bot and Mr. Baker inside an RV in the desert]
Bot: Wait… hold on! You said we were going to Halle Berry’s house.
Mr. Baker: Well, I lied. Just like I did when I got this teaching job and they asked me if I like kids.
Bot: Okay… so why are we in an RV in the middle of nowhere?
Mr. Baker: To make meth of course.
Bot: I don’t think this is a very good idea. What if the police find us or something? They’re already after me for pirating Sofia the First…
Mr. Baker: Pffft, the police won’t find us. I have been hiding from them for decades, and they’ve never caught me. So are you gonna help me make meth or what?
Bot: What’s in it for me?
Mr. Baker: I know where Hitogata is.
[Bot starts putting on one of those chemistry masks from Breaking Bad or whatever.]
Bot: I’m in.
[A montage plays of Mr. Baker and Bot cooking meth, with the Skibidi Toilet theme song in the background; after the montage ends, Bot and Mr. Baker calculate how much meth they have produced]
Bot: Okay so this should be around… 5 whole grams.
Mr. Baker: Good enough. Now we just need to sell it.
Bot: And to whom exactly?
Mr. Baker: Well I have a bunch of pedophile friends. I think they would appreciate the drugs. I already gave them some LSD earlier.
Bot: Look, I already helped you make all this stuff. Can’t you just show me where Hitogata is and I can go home?
Mr. Baker: Okay, maybe I lied about Hitogata.
Bot: Fuck you. I’m out of here.
[Mr. Baker points a gun at Bot]
Bot: Nevermind, I guess I can stay.
[Brooklyn T. Guy from SML shows up; the audience applauds]
Brooklyn T. Guy: What is going on here?
Bot: omg brooklyn t guy
Mr. Baker: Oh hey, police officer.
[Mr. Baker hands Bot the gun]
Mr. Baker: SHOOT HIM RIGHT IN THE HEAD!
Bot: OKAY OKAY
[Bot shoots Brooklyn T. Guy multiple times, causing him to die]
Bot: (heavy breathing) That was certainly CRAZY!!!!!
Mr. Baker: …
Bot: Are you not gonna say it?
Mr. Baker: …Actually, I just remembered. Could you fix my computer problem?
Bot: No. I’m not looking at that laptop again.
Mr. Baker: No no, you just need to remove them. In fact, I need to wipe the whole hard drive.
Bot: And how am I supposed to help with that?
Mr. Baker: Well, I assume you know at least one guy who knows how to wipe everything off of a laptop.
Bot: Well, I know this pig. He’s pretty smart.
Mr. Baker: Perfect…
[Cut to Zoltan arriving at his house]
Zoltan: Ah, well that was certainly a nice first day at the job.
Crazy: Hi Zoltan!!!! Did you join the mafia?
Zoltan: Yuh.
Cactus: fffffffffffffffffffffffff
[Jarvis comes out of the shower]
Jarvis: Hey Zolt. Working hard or hardly working?
Zoltan: Oh hi Jarvis.
Jarvis: What’s wrong?
Zoltan: (in Breaking Bad Todd voice) Just so you know, this isn’t personal.
[Zoltan throws his watergun directly at Jarvis’ head, causing him to faint; Zoltan takes out his wallet]
Zoltan: Dude, this is like a morbillion dollars!
Cactus: Zoltan, did you just kill Jarvis?
Zoltan: Nah, he’s fine.
[Jarvis returns to conscientiousness]
Jarvis: Whoa, that was kinda unnecessary. I have a rugby game in like-
[Crazy shoots Jarvis in the head]
Crazy: Now he’s dead.
Zoltan: You really are a crazy sponge!
[Laugh track and applause from the audience]
Zoltan: Now it’s time to get my machete!
[Zoltan takes a picture of Jarvis’ dead body and enthusiastically leaves the house]
Cactus: The hell was that?
Crazy: Murder.
Cactus: Crazy, aren’t you worried that Zoltan might be headed down a bad path?
Crazy: I just shot a man.
[Cut to Zoltan entering the mafia base]
Zoltan: Guys! Guys! You won’t believe this! I just killed Jarvis Zagna!
[Zoltan shows them his phone which has a picture of Jarvis Zagna’s corpse]
CartoonGuy: (spits out drink) WHAT?!
Mafia member 1: Hell yeah! That guy sucked! He ruined all rugby games he played in.
CartoonGuy: DUDE, YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KILL MY DAD!
Zoltan: Wait, I thought 46th president of the United States of America Joe Biden, also known as PoopFan, was your father.
CartoonGuy: what
Mafia boss: Wow… How’d you manage to kill him with just a water gun?
Zoltan: They’re more dangerous than you think. So, where’s my machete?
[CartoonGuy grabs Zoltan and starts choking him]
CartoonGuy: I’M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!
Mafia boss (offscreen): Hold it right there!
[Everyone turns around as the mafia boss enters the scene. CartoonGuy stops choking Zoltan]
Mafia boss: Show me the picture.
[Zoltan shows the mafia boss the picture on his phone]
Mafia boss: That looks like AI.
Zoltan: No, I swear, I killed him!
Mafia boss: I won’t believe it unless I see it with my own eyes. Take me to the corpse.
[Cut to Golf at the lemonade stand, while Aaron and Prim are playing chess next to him]
Aaron: This is what I call the “sheep in disguise”.
[Aaron punches Prim and moves his Rook to B4 on the chessboard]
Aaron: I believe that’s a checkmate.
Prim: Whatever, this chess thing is gay and homosexual… Grrr… How I hate them….
[A kid walks up to Golf’s lemonade stand]
Kid: Hi Mr. Penguin. Can I get a lemonade please?
Golf: Uh… No.
Kid: Why not?
Golf: This lemonade is for true and honest Trumpers like me! No brainwashed liberals.
Kid: What’s a trump?
Golf: GET OUT OF HERE!
[The kid runs away crying]
Golf: Filthy immigrant.
Prim: Dude, I think Golf is going insane.
Aaron: Yeah he’s been crazy for quite a while now. Only recently did he become a Trumper though.
Golf: Percy showed me the truth.
Prim: Who the hell is Percy?
[Golf vores Prim]
Aaron: what the fuck
Golf: augh im so full
Aaron: Golf, are you okay?
Golf: If no one buys my lemonade, I will!
[Golf eats some coins and starts drinking his lemonade, but he soon realises there is no lemonade left]
Golf: What? Have I been drinking all my lemonade?
[He notices traces of LSD on the floor]
Golf: Huh.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
[Golf starts dancing among sheep]
Golf: Yeah Aaron let’s dance!!!!
[Aaron eats chips in his face, then melts into the ground]
Golf: You can’t die at 71. The age is young. But the human body is fragile, like a vase held by a chameleon.
[Golf drifts away in a rocketship; cut to Bot and Mr. Baker next to a giant magnet, Daddy Pig is there; audience applause]
Bot: Are you sure this is the best way to get rid of a laptop?
Daddy Pig: Of course! Trust me, I’m a bit of an expert at destroying hard drives.
Bot: I’m just not gonna question why you’ve presumably done this before.
Mr. Baker: So what do we do?
Daddy Pig: Just place the laptop there, and when I turn on the giant magnet, it will get rid of everything on the hard drive. Alright, everyone ready?
Bot: Ye.
Kanye West: Did somebody call me-
[Kanye gets crushed by an anvil]
Daddy Pig: Alright, well, FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[Daddy Pig pulls a lever, turning the magnet on. The magnetic forces wipe everything off the laptop, causing it to turn off]
Mr. Baker: Yup, that did it.
Bot: YEAH BITCH! Magnets!
Mr. Baker: Now the police won’t find my child porn!
Daddy Pig: wait wut
Bot: Wow, thanks, Daddy Pig. You’re a great guy…….
Mr. Baker: I agree with that.
Daddy Pig: You’re very much welcome.
[Daddy Pig leaves.]
Bot: What a great guy.
Mr. Baker: Let’s sell the meth now.
Bot: Oh right.
[Cut to Zoltan, CartoonGuy and the mafia boss entering Zoltan’s house, recurring I hate my child. character Police Officer Skittles is there]
Zoltan: Oh, hello Mr. Police Officer Skittles.
Skittles: God damn it Zoltan, why is there a dead body in your house?
Zoltan: Oh no! It appears that Jarvis Zagna has, uh, killed himself!
Skittles: Really?
CartoonGuy: Skittles, don’t believe him! He-
Crazy: YUP. Jarvis went inside the bathroom, pulled out a gun and shot himself.
Zoltan: Just like JewWario!
Mafia boss: Oh dear. I really liked that guy. What a shame.
Skittles: Where’s the gun then?
Crazy: It evaporated along with Jarvis’ soul.
Skittles: Do you think I’m stupid?
[Zoltan pulls out a 1 million dollar bill from Jarvis’ wallet]
Zoltan: Just don’t tell anyone, okay?
Skittles: Whoa! Of course, duder!
[Skittles walks out and walks past Golf and Cici’s house; Golf is passed out on the front yard]
Skittles: Hey Golf!
[Cut back to Zoltan and gang in the house]
Mafia boss: Well, Zoltan, I guess you did take out Jarvis.
Crazy: WHAT? NO! I WAS THE ONE WHO-
[Mafia boss throws a brick at Crazy]
Mafia boss: Now, where’s my cut of the money?
[Zoltan takes out a 1 billion dollar bill and gives it to him]
Mafia boss: Ah, thank you. And as a reward, I shall give you…
[The mafia boss pulls out a machete]
Mafia boss: A machete! Take it. You deserve it.
Zoltan: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YES!!!!!!!!!
Mafia boss: Now the whole mafia will defend you no matter what. If you ever need our help, just yell “FRAGGLE!!!!!”
Zoltan: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
CartoonGuy: What happens to the body now?
Zoltan: Eh, just cremate it. I don’t have that much money for a funeral.
[CartoonGuy collapses on Jarvis’ body and begins sobbing]
Mafia boss: Well, I shall leave now. Be good, my children. Goodbye, farewell and Amen.
[The mafia boss leaves Zoltan’s house as angelic music plays; CartoonGuy and Zoltan are left alone]
CartoonGuy: …YOU!
[CartoonGuy and Zoltan chase each other around the house like Tom & Jerry; cut to 16th century China]
16th century Chinese man: 我確實喜歡生活在十六世紀的中國。
16th century Chinese man 2: 我討厭我的孩子。
[Golf appears]
Golf: Hey ancestors! I love China. I am the business goose.
[All of 16th century China stares at Golf, visibly judging him. Golf begins crying like a baby, akin to Patrick Star in “Reef Blower”. Suddenly, the whole place is flooded with water. Everyone goes underwater]
Tu am or c can bre París Pero me escapé hacia as da al mang a s tumbas de la gloria Gloria Gloria a h mi n jardín Pero me escapé ia r, que n un b llega todo el t ejam a otr ida enda , todo, todo un ue te ha do un Gloria llega h e dejes caer e n isma c que no me dejes caer En las tu a siempre antarPara lo que fue un día mi vida Como u
[Golf rises]
Golf: The penguin I am is the penguin I will be!
[Golf starts swimming majestically, as Beethoven’s tenth symphony plays]
Golf: The world is at my command.
[Golf rises into the sky, becoming one with the sun. Suddenly, the water turns yellow]
Golf: Whoops. I didn’t reach the Skibidi toilet.
Not very smooth voiceover: Bro, lemonade.
Golf: Ah yes! Splendid idea! A lemonade stand will surely be succesful!
[Golf goes outside to his already set up lemonade stand]
Golf: buy lemonade please.
Golf: Huh.
[A duck walks up to the lemonade stand]
Golf: Oooh! My first customer! Welcome!
[And he says to the man running the stand:]
Duck: Hey!
[Bum bum bum.]
Duck: Got any grapes?
[The man says:]
Golf: Huh.
Golf: No, we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold and it’s fresh and it’s all homemade! Can I get you a glass?
[The duck says:]
Duck: I’ll pass.
[And he waddles away. Waddle waddle. And he waddles away. Waddle waddle.]
Golf: Huh.
Golf: Huh.
[Cut to a pig and a warthog drinking tea together]
Pig: So you see my friend, this cup of tea is exactly like life. Empty. Devoid of any meaning.
Warthog: My friend, I’m afraid that’s impossible. A cup of tea can’t be empty.
Pig: Whatever do you mean?
Warthog: If a cup of tea was empty, it wouldn’t be a cup of tea. It would be just a cup.
Pig: But I drank the tea, so it is now empty.
Warthog: You drank the tea, right? Did you enjoy drinking it?
Pig: Very much so.
Warthog: That’s good. Life is made of little things like that.
Pig: But it has no meaning, my friend. Yeah, sure, I drank the tea, but without the tea, a cup is just a cup. Empty and devoid of meaning. Like life!
Warthog: Who filled the cup with tea?
Pig: I did.
Warthog: There you go.
Pig: What are you referring to?
Warthog: The cup, like life, had no meaning. But then, you filled it with tea. Just like you’re the one who gives meaning to your life.
Pig: …
Warthog: And sure, maybe life does have no meaning, but at the end of the day, do you really need a meaning? Isn’t it better to just enjoy it while it lasts? If life has no meaning, we can make it have meaning in our own way. If a cup is empty, you can fill it with tea, and drink it.
[The warthog finishes drinking their cup of tea]
Warthog: Ah, splendid. Should we go get some more tea?
Pig: Actually, I was thinking we could try drinking lemonade. It is quite a hot day, after all.
Warthog: Brilliant idea, my friend.
[Flashing lights of many colors start flashing, blinding you permanently. Cut to Zoltan’s beaten body in the center of the living room]
Zoltan: There’s so much pain…
Cactus: Maybe you shouldn’t have messed with a mafia member.
Zoltan: But hey, at least now I have a machete.
Crazy: Woof.
[Cut to Bot and Mr. Baker at the entrance of the pedophile headquarters]
Bot: I think I’ll go home now. You can go in Homer Alone.
Mr. Baker: Fair enough.
[Mr. Baker enters the building. There is communist iconography on the walls]
Mr. Baker: Hey guys.
Pedophile: Hey Baker. Brought some stuff?
Mr. Baker: Yeah. Meth this time.
Mr. Renaud: Ah, cool!
[Pan over to reveal Sparro in the group, audience gasps]
Sparro: Like whoa!
Mr. Renaud: So what are we going to do tomorrow night?
Mr. Baker: Same thing we do every night, Renaud. Try to take over the world…
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E3: My child plays sports. [October, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
[The episode opens at Jarvis Zagna’s funeral after he was murdered by Zoltan in the last episode. Jarvis’ wife and his 20 children, including CartoonGuy, are there, crying]
Priest: Jarvis was not always a good husband. Not always a good citizen. He did not die a hero's death. But he was a man. I think he was a man, anyway. Our Lord was crucified with two thieves, so perhaps... we should not judge.
CartoonGuy’s Mom: (sobbing) Jarvis…
Priest: We are born of sin, and we die in sin... and in this Jarvis... was like anybody else. Father... we do not know your infinite mysteries. But we know... that you will show mercy to our friend.
CartoonGuy: (wiping tears away) Fuck you, Zoltan…
🎵The new Zoltan ain’t the same as the old Zoltan🎵
🎵Everything’s changing and I don’t know when🎵
🎵This woke nightmare will end🎵
🎵Thank God for CartoonGuy and his shitpost memes🎵
🎵I hate my child. is the home for free speech🎵
[Cut to Zoltan at Sparro’s office, smoking]
Sparro: So Golf recommended me?
Zoltan: Yeah, he told me you helped him.
Sparro: Like whoa. Well, let’s get started then. First off, Golf told me you have a child.
Zoltan: Yeah… Honestly, I think I’m too harsh on them. Like, I don’t know. A lot of the time I hate my child. I just feel like they’re wasting their time doing nothing. Although they did go to university recently, which is an improvement.
Sparro: University? Which one?
Zoltan: Uh, University of Kent.
Sparro: Interesting. Erm, anyway, what do you do for a living?
Zoltan: Oh, I don’t think… I don’t think I can say it.
Sparro: Why not? Is it illegal?
Zoltan: Kinda. You see, I wanted to become a dentist, but it turned out that they were terrorists led by SpingeBill. So I joined the mafia to protect myself.
Sparro: Makes sense. And uh… Have you killed anyone?
Zoltan: Well I might have killed one of the dentists… And the father of my friend.
Sparro: That’s wacky.
Zoltan: I did it for a good reason though. I got a machete!
Sparro: Was getting a machete really worth killing him?
Zoltan: I think so. He was a morbillionaire! I’m no longer poor and I got a bunch of stuff from his money! I even bought a much cooler and fancier house… Even though it’s pretty empty…
Sparro: Interesting. Don’t worry though, I know the perfect solution. Do you want some meth?
Zoltan: What?
Sparro: Meth! I gave Golf some drugs and he’s been feeling much better lately.
Zoltan: No I don’t do drugs… But where exactly do you get this stuff from?
Sparro: From this guy called Mr. Baker.
Zoltan: Waaaait, Bot’s teacher? You know him?
Sparro: Yeah, dude. We’re both in a group.
Zoltan: What kind of group exactly?
Sparro: It’s kind of radical… We talk about things like communism and how to groom children and stuff.
Zoltan: Groom children? …Is anyone else in this group?
Sparro: Well there’s Mr. Renaud, he-
[Zoltan gets out his gun, and aims it at Sparro]
Zoltan: Alright, get out of here, you communist drug dealer pedophile!
[Zoltan shoots Sparro in the arm, leaving him injured]
Sparro: …Like whoa.
Zoltan: I’m getting Bot out of that university.
[Zoltan walks off as the alarms go off; cut to Mr. Baker talking to Bot]
Bot: You wanker never showed me Hitogata.
Mr. Baker: Yeah, I told you I made that up.
Bot: What’s the point of this all? What do you gain from this? (Steven from The Room voice) Why are you doing this?!
Mr. Baker: Well, you see… I have realised something. Communism would be the best for everyone. So I’m going to take over the world. With communism. So I can lower the age of consent.
Bot: That’s it? That’s why you’re doing all this?
Mr. Baker: Yup. With the age of consent all the way down to zero, I can finally try to strike a chord and it’s DEFINITELY a minor! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
[Pause.]
Bot: I don’t think I like this university anymore… I don’t even want to learn stuff about computers, I just want to go home.
Mr. Baker: Go home? That’s not going to happen. You know too much.
Bot: What’s stopping me from just hopping on the next bus out of here?
Mr. Baker: My gun. 
Bot: Fair. But... I hate this place… More than my dad hates me… There’s nothing to do…
Mr. Baker: You could play sports. It would help you get that weight off of ya.
Bot: Did you just call me fat?
Mr. Baker: Yuh.
Bot: Well, frankly… Maybe you’re right. You know what? I’m going to play football!
Mr. Baker: Well that’s great.
[Bot leaves. Mr. Baker gets a call from Sparro]
Sparro: I have been wounded.
Mr. Baker: oh no jesse thats not good your breaking bad!!!!
[Cut to Zoltan at NotJoe’s office]
NotJoe: You want me to fake Jarvis Zagna’s will so all the money legally goes to you?
Zoltan: Pretty much.
NotJoe: I don’t know, Zoltan. I’m a shady lawyer and all, but this just seems a bit too far.
Zoltan: Uh yeah, but I have a morbillion dollars.
NotJoe: That is true, the impostor.
Zoltan: Alright, well, get to work then.
NotJoe: Anything for you, Zolt… As long as you pay me.
Zoltan: Yeah, yeah whatever.
[Zoltan heads out]
NotJoe: What a gnarly dude.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim next to Golf as he’s doing meth]
Aaron: Golf, I think this is unhealthy.
Golf: Come on, Sparro told me it’s completely okay.
Prim: I don’t know if this Sparro guy should be a therapist.
Golf: He’s like, a great therapist, dude! The best in the whole town…
Aaron: Don’t you think you should be doing something more… Productive?
Golf: Huh? What kind of nonsense is that?
Prim: You’re not the Golf I remember…
Golf: You’re just jealous! You just want to do meth and be as cool as me!
Aaron: Uh, not really.
Golf: Come on! Try it! It’s gonna be great, I promise!
Aaron: I don’t-
[Golf shoves 20 grams of meth up Aaron’s nostrils]
Aaron: Oh my God……
[Cut to Zoltan arriving at his new, much fancier house, with futuristic technology. He sits on the couch]
Zoltan: Finally I can get some rest.
Cactus: Hey Zoltan.
[Pause]
Cactus: You know, I must say, this house is pretty empty.
Zoltan: Huh. Maybe killing Jarvis wasn’t that good of a decision.
Cactus: Probably. Well at least the quietness helps me think.
[Crazy appears out of the fourth dimension]
Crazy: How was I supposed to know that she was 13?
Zoltan: Great, just what I needed.
[Doorbell rings]
Zoltan: Oh, you think this is funny?
[Zoltan opens the door, EdMario is there]
Zoltan: …Who the hell are you?
Singers: EdMario, with his crazy explanations, 
Zoltan40's gonna need his medication! 
When he hears EdMario's lame exaggerations, 
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
EdMario: I’m EdMario, your brother! 
Zoltan: EdMario? Like… JewWario?
EdMario: I wish. Don’t you remember me?
Zoltan: Not really.
EdMario: Dude, we were always together back in the ROOTS!
[Flashback to Zoltan and EdMario in kindergarten. Zoltan is playing with a rabbit plush.]
Zoltan: Bunny says hello!
[EdMario eats the rabbit plush; cut back to the present.]
Zoltan: Uh, sure, I guess I remember having a brother called EdMario. Where have you been all these years?
EdMario: Busy getting bitches.
Zoltan: Fair. So what do you want from me? Money? Because if so, you’re out of luck. I am dirt poor.
[Zoltan’s wallet grows legs and walks by him, opens himself up and a fly comes out]
Zoltan’s wallet: Nothin’.
Smooth narrator: Bro’s lying through his teeth…
EdMario: No, no, I don’t want any money, stupid!
Zoltan: (sigh of relief) Oh, thank Talking Ben! Because the millions I got from murdering one of my best friends’ dad are all mine.
EdMario: what
Zoltan: what
[Pause.]
Zoltan: Anyway, um, if you’re not here for money, what do you want then?
EdMario: I just, uh, wanted to hang out! Because we’re like, you know, real close!
Zoltan: Uh huh. So, how’d you find out where I live?
EdMario: I asked Tan and he told me. I must say, this house looks a lot better than the way he described it. Especially for someone who is dirt poor.
Zoltan: I… spent all my money on it.
EdMario: Really? What about those gold bars behind ya?
[Pan over to a bunch of gold bars on Zoltan’s table]
Zoltan: Oh, nonono, that’s my dog’s, Crazy’s gold.
[Crazy swallows all of the gold]
Crazy: Urp. It’s true. I’m going to gamble it all away now. Bye.
[Crazy disappears]
EdMario: …Is that normal?
Zoltan: Yeah, you should get used to it.
EdMario: I guess the new norm really ain’t the same as the old norm.
Zoltan: Yuh.
EdMario: So, like… have you been doing anything fun lately? I heard you got a job as a dentist.
[Zoltan pulls out his machete and points it at EdMario’s neck]
Zoltan: Alright, you can’t fool me, I know Mike sent you.
EdMario: WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH
Zoltan: Did you really think you could fool me that easily?
EdMario: Nono, I really am just here to see what you’ve been up to. Listen, I hate Mike just as much as you!
Zoltan: Yeah right.
EdMario: No, seriously, I don’t have any Ulterior Motives! Pinky promise!
[Zoltan puts the machete down.]
Zoltan: …Ugh, fine. You pinky promised. I guess I won’t kill you just yet.
Cactus: Zoltan, I think you’ve been going down a bad path… Like you’ve already killed two people, and soon it will be three. The three dead people.
Zoltan: I’m perfectly fine. I only kill when it’s necessary.
EdMario: T-two people? You killed two people?
Zoltan: Uh, in Minecraft.
EdMario: Oh okay.
Zoltan: Pirated Minecraft!
EdMario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cactus: I thought you were against piracy. You even got your child arrested for it one time.
Zoltan: Ugh. Shut up desert plant.
EdMario: Bro, why are you talking to a plant?
Zoltan: That’s a talking plant. They just talked.
EdMario: I didn’t hear that.
[Everyone is silent for 10 seconds]
Zoltan: Peculiar.
[Cut to Bot arriving at the university’s football pitch, where the university team is training]
Bot: Wassup diggity dogs?
Coach: What a bunch of wankers. Oh, hello. Who are you?
Bot: My name is Bot. I’d like to join the team.
Coach: Really? You seem quite fat.
Bot: Why has everybody suddenly started noticing my weight?!
Coach: Sorry buddy, I just don’t think you can be a part of the team.
Bot: This is fatphobic.
Coach: Yuh.
Bot: Well, it could be worse. I could live in Gyöngyös.
[Cut to the team training. Suddenly, the goalkeeper gets shot in the ankle]
Goalkeeper: OW! MY ANKLE!
Coach: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO WAS THAT?!
Goalkeeper: I’M DYING!
Coach: NURSE!!!!!
[Mr. Baker arrives, dressed as a nurse]
Mr. Baker: I’ll save you!
[Mr. Baker takes the goalkeeper away on a stretcher. As he goes away, a gun falls from his pocket]
Coach: Uhh.. How’d that get there? I thought we didn’t let immigrants into this university.
Random player: Oi coach mate, how are we gonna play without a goalkeeper?
Coach: Let me think…
[The coach looks at Bot, and an overweight lightbulb appears on top of his head]
Coach: Hey you, Bort! 
Bot: It’s Bot.
Coach: Sorry, Bart. Welcome to the team! You’re our new goalkeeper!
Bot: Yippee!!!
[Bot starts walking towards the goal, whilst tuba sounds are played to emphasize their immense weight]
Bot: Oh, you think this is funny?
Coach: Yeah, kinda. Alright, let’s continue training.
[Cut to Golf frantically searching the house for strawberries]
Aaron: Golf, I already told you, I didn’t buy any strawberries.
Golf: Why not?! I need them….
Prim: Golf, your addictions are ruining you…
Golf: Oh my God I’m so tired of all this…. Golf meth is unhealthy… Golf stop you can't murder innocent children…. I’m so tired!!!! I want to break free!
Aaron: Golf, I-
Golf: I want to break free!!
Prim: Golf, you need to-
Golf: I want to break free from your lies, you’re so self satisified, I don’t neeeeeed you…
Aaron: He wants to break free.
Prim: God knows.
Aaron and Prim: God knows Golf wants to break fre-
Golf: AUGH!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! IF I HEAR “GOLF” ONE MORE TIME… Wait… Why am I named Golf anyway… Really makes you think, huh.
Prim: Yeah, come to think of it, I've never even seen you play golf.
Aaron: I don’t think he’s ever played any sports. At least not with us. Then again, I didn’t think he listened to Queen either but clearly that was a false assumption.
[Suddenly, Golf fucking shits out a lightbulb]
Golf: I got it! All I need to do is take some time off and play golf!
Aaron: Wait, that’s a pretty solid idea. Golf is pretty relaxing and stuff.
Golf: That’s it! I’m going to play golf!
Prim: Yeah!
Golf: Alright, I’m going to play golf now!
Aaron: That’s the spirit!
Golf: And with that, I shall go and play golf!
Prim: Go and score a goal!
Golf: Yeah! I’m gonna play golf!
Aaron: Let’s go and play golf!
Golf: Yeah! Let’s go and play golf!
[Cut to Golf waking up at the Basildon Sports Centre, where Aaron and Prim playing golf]
Aaron Oh, look who woke up from the meth overdose. Come, play golf with us.
[Aaron hands Golf golf equipment and he begins playing]
Golf: Wait a minute, I hate golf!
Aaron: So do I.
[Aaron hits Golf in the shin with a driver (golf club)]
Prim: AARON!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Aaron: Let’s throw rocks at him.
Prim: NO????
Aaron: I want a penguin carpet.
Prim: what the heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllll
Aaron: I like the colors.
Prim: you stoopid
Aaron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH
[Aaron takes all of Golf’s meth and eats it]
Prim: Holy shit. I don’t think that’s how-
[Aaron turns into hot furry Ken Stringfellow with abs]
Prim: Erm what the sigma
[Cut to Zoltan dialing CartoonGuy]
Zoltan: Hey, CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: (sigh) What do you want…
Zoltan: So, you’re not like mad at me, right?
CartoonGuy: You killed my dad, dude.
Zoltan: No I didn’t. I just knocked him unconscious. It was Crazy who killed him. He is a racist, pedo, scammer. Don’t trust him.
CartoonGuy: You were going to kill him.
Zoltan: But I didn’t.
CartoonGuy: And you stole all my dad’s money.
Zoltan: Well that was an accident!
CartoonGuy: No, it wasn’t.
Zoltan: Oh, that’s right. YOU were an accident.
[CartoonGuy hangs up]
Zoltan: Another liberal triggered.
[EdMario walks in]
EdMario: Hey, Zolt. What’re you up to?
Zoltan: Oh, I was just talking to my…colleague.
EdMario: Is that the guy whose father you killed?
Zoltan: I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations… Say, where’s Crazy?
EdMario: I don’t know, could be anywhere in this huge world…
[Cutaway to Crazy gambling]
Crazy: Aw dang it… Aw dang it…. Aw dang it… Aw dang it….
[Cut back]
Zoltan: Whatever.
Brian Griffin, from Family Guy: Whoa, gyatt ahoy!
EdMario: Well Zoltan, I think we should do something fun together! Something like…
Zoltan: Tax evasion?
EdMario: Oh I shouldn’t, I lost my house due to tax evasion, that’s why I’m here. Look what I have in my ass though!
[EdMario pulls some tennis rackets and tennis balls out of his ass]
EdMario: Let’s play tennis!
Zoltan: (jeffy voice) Why?
EdMario: It’s in my videogame, EdMario Tennis Aces.
Zoltan: I’ve never played tennis, and I hate you. Like my child.
EdMario: Come on, it’ll be fun! Like being in bed with a minor.
[Cutaway to EdMario in bed with a 12 year old]
EdMario: Do you wanna see something cool?
[EdMario grabs a puppet]
EdMario: His name is Brooklyn Guy.
[Cut back]
Zoltan: ………………………………..…Let’s just play tennis.
[Cut to Zoltan, EdMario, Cactus at the Basildon Sports Centre; Aaron, Golf and Prim are also there, spazzing out on the golf field]
EdMario: Oh hey, look at those guys playing golf!
Zoltan: Don’t bother with them, they’re just my drug addict neighbours.
EdMario: Uh, alright. Let’s play tennis then!
[The two begin playing tennis. Crazy appears with 2 quarters in his hands]
Crazy: Sup. I’m back from gambling.
Zoltan: What the? What did you do with all my gold?
Crazy: Uh, gambled it away?
Zoltan: I hate that stupid cat.
EdMario: Wait, so it was your gold then!
Zoltan: Well… Uh… Let’s play tennis.
[Zoltan and EdMario begin playing tennis along with Cactus and Crazy]
Cactus: How am I meant to play tennis? I have no arms…
Crazy: Just figure it out!
[They play tennis. Wonderful adventures are had, and then Golf, Aaron and Prim walk up to them]
Golf: Hey duude!!! Very.. Very nice tennis.
Aaron: Oh my god my brain can’t handle all this going on I think I have to play tennis right now!
[Aaron grabs EdMario’s tennis racket]
Aaron: Look! Golf! I’m playing tennis! Swinging the tennis thing! Balls!!!
Golf: Haha, you’re so cool, Aaron!
Prim: I wish I could play tennis but I can only lasagna!
Golf: Look at this, Zoltan!
[Golf vomits out his golf club and hits a tennis ball, which ends up in his eye]
Golf: HOLE IN ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY CALL ME GOLF!!!!!!!!!!
Prim: That’s so cool.
EdMario: Zoltan, are these really your neighbors?
Zoltan: Yeah.
EdMario: Damn, sorry to hear that. People like this have no place in our society.
Cactus: Addicts have no place in our society? On the contrary, I think society created them.
Crazy: Well, I think it’s safe to say these actions have no place in our society.
Cactus: Now that's more something I can agree with.
EdMario: Yeah, that’s the way I should have worded it. Society clearly failed these people and they obviously need help. Shaming addicts was not my intention, sorry if I came off that way.
Cactus: It’s all good.
Zoltan: This has been a great learning experience.
[Golf, Aaron and Prim pass out and fall onto the ground. Zoltan kicks their bodies away]
Zoltan: Well, that was great tennising, my brother. However, I feel like I’ve forgotten about something.
EdMario: If you forgot about it, it must’nt’ve been important.
Zoltan: Huh, maybe you are right.
[SpingeBill’s gang from episode 1 shows up; Zoltan screams]
Zoltan: Oh right! I remember! That’s why I joined the mafia in the first place. I guess I got a bit distracted.
Dentist 1: Open fire.
[The dentist-terrorists start shooting Zoltan and buddies]
EdMario: Ah! What the hell?
Zoltan: Uh, long story. Just grab a gun and start shooting.
Crazy: Don’t worry, I got this.
[Crazy throws up 4 guns, enough for everyone]
Zoltan: Thanks bud!
[The two sides shoot at each other]
Cactus: I haven’t been in a shooting like this since the Cacti-Human war of 2006.
EdMario: Wait, what was that about the mafia?
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I kinda joined the mafia and got a huge reputation there. I don’t see how that’s relevant though!
Cactus: Well, why not call them?
Zoltan: You know, that’s a great idea actually! I’ll call on Spencer! …I mean Greg, the mafia boss’ name is Greg.
[Zoltan continues shooting, and calls up the mafia boss on his phone with his other hand]
Zoltan: Uh, hey Greg. Could you and your guys like, help a bit? I might have gotten into some trouble again.
Mafia Boss: Of course, Zoltan. As the famous mafia saying goes: No one left behind.
Zoltan: Does that saying really originate from the mafia?
Mafia Boss: (Mr. Heckles voice) It COULD originate from the mafia……
Zoltan: Well, thanks dude, really means a lot to me.
Mafia Boss: You’re very welcome, Zoltan. And keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me and I will help you.
[Zoltan is about to hang up, but his phone gets shot by one of the gang members]
Zoltan: Oh come on! That was like, a million bucks!
Dentist 2: THIS IS FOR LENNY!!!
[Dentist 2 shoots CrazySponge, causing him to die]
EdMario: oh god oh fuck
Zoltan: Oh dear, that’s a shame.
EdMario: Is he gonna be okay?
Zoltan: He’s died.
EdMario: Yeah but is he gonna be okay though?
Zoltan: …yeah, probably.
[Cut to Bot playing in a football match as a goalkeeper. They are bigger than the goal, and they get constantly hit by the ball]
Coach: Great work, thot! 
Rival coach: This should be illegal! Get that obese fuck out of goal!
Bot: What?!
Referee: You can’t say that! Red card, go shower you prick
Smooth narrator: I didn’t know we could say that word on Fandom.
Rival coach: Kill yourself!!!!!!!!!
Referee: That is abuse! You’re-
[The opposing team’s players start beating up the referee. Suddenly, this turns into a huge brawl between all the players from both teams, as even those on the bench get up to participate and even the fans storm the pitch. Bot stands still, looking at the brawl]
Bot: Oh no! What should I do? Why must my life be filled with gratuitous violence? I need to stop this…but how?
[Bot has a flashback of when they killed the Brooklyn guy police officer in the last episode which let’s be honest you either didn’t read or forgot about five minutes after finishing it]
Bot: …I know what I must do.
[Bot starts running like a hippo, absolutely bulldozing everybody on the pitch, stomping them and sending them flying. Bot runs through the pitch several times, making sure everybody is dead, ending the brawl and leaving just a big puddle of blood on the pitch]
Bot: It’s joever.
[Bot lies down on the puddle, looking at the sky and breathing heavily. They put their hand in the blood, take it out and look at it]
Bot: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process they do not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Smooth narrator: Nice J.K. Rowling quote.
[After a few moments, Bot hears Liz and Travis speaking]
Liz: Bot? Is that you?
Bot: …
Liz: Bot?
Bot: …
Travis: Are you on your period or something?
[Bot gets up and looks at their friends]
Liz: Sorry we’re late. Our Tesla cybertruck crashed.
Bot: …
Liz: Okay, that’s a lie. We were busy getting stoned and thinking about marrying Jess, at least I was. Only Talking Ben knows how high I am right now.
Bot: …
Travis: You really should have come with us, Bot, this weed is great!
[Bot fucking kills Liz and Travis with their bare hands]
Bot: This is my life now. My life, as DEATH. I will murder everyone I know!!!!!
Smooth narrator: Femtanyl reference.
[Mr. Baker walks out of the darkness or something, clapping]
Mr. Baker: Good job, my student. You have become my greatest, and only remaining apprentice. Soon, together we shall take over the world using the greatest invention of humanity: communism.
Bot: Indeed. IT shall be done.
[Moving on from the bloodshed, we cut to the mafia arriving at the sports centre. CartoonGuy is notably absent]
Zoltan: Oh, thank Ben you guys are here!
EdMario: We really could use some help right now!
Greg: Don’t worry! We’ve got you covered!
[The mafia members and SpingeBill’s gang continue shooting each other]
SpingeBill: Greg? You fucker! You owe me 20 bucks!
Greg: I spent it all on transbian porn.
SpingeBill: Oh fair enough.
Greg: Also you got my buddy Brutus killed!
SpingeBill: That bastard deserved it!
Zoltan: Whoa, whoa, calm down! Also, Greg, if you don’t mind me asking, where exactly is CartoonGuy?
Greg: I dunno. I think he’s mad about his father or something.
Zoltan: Pussy.
[Zoltan and Greg continue shooting; Zoltan shoots a dentist]
Dentist 3: MEOWCH!
SpingeBill: Not very sigma.
Crazy: I’m a little bit tired from all the murder. I think I’m gonna take a nap.
[Crazy collapses, revealing several bullets in the other side of his head]
Cactus: War really is brutal. I’m getting flashbacks…but I cannot be still.
[Cactus turns into the cactus from Plants vs. Zombies and shoots spikes at SpingeBill’s gang; Zoltan spots EdMario hiding behind a bench]
Zoltan: Coward.
[Zoltan goes over to EdMario]
Zoltan: What are you doing man? There’s a gang war going on here!
EdMario: Exactly! I never wanted any of this! I just wanted to play tennis! I don’t want to kill people!
Zoltan: Well uh, okay, how about this? Just pretend that it’s like tennis, and you're just shooting tennis balls or something!
EdMario: You really think this will work?
Zoltan: Yeah, of course!
EdMario: If you say so…
[EdMario grabs his gun, aims it at a dentist, but gets shot immediately]
Zoltan: Jesus! EdMario, are you okay?
[EdMario is bleeding on the ground]
EdMario: I… (cough) I need to tell you something.
Zoltan: What is it?
EdMario: You know when I said that the new norm ain’t the same as the old norm?
Zoltan: Uh…
EdMario: Yeah, you were right near the beginning of the episode. I was sent by Mike and now he knows everything…
Smooth narrator: Plot twist.
Zoltan: I f*cking knew it.
EdMario: Don’t get mad please… I had no other choice, I promise!!! Please forgive me…
Zoltan: Okay.
EdMario: …wh-what?
Zoltan: I forgive you.
EdMario: …r-r-really??? I… I thought you would hate me for lying to you and working for Mike.
Zoltan: Yeah you’re right, I do hate you now, actually.
[Zoltan grabs his machete and stabs EdMario]
Zoltan: I’m sorry, Remus. Rome needs a good leader. I won’t forget the good times…
Smooth narrator: God I love J.K. Rowling.
[Zoltan walks back to the battlefield, most of the people are dead or dying, except SpingeBill, Greg, Cactus and a few mafia members]
SpingeBill: Come on Greg. Shoot me. Do it.
Greg: I… I can’t…
Zoltan: Why not?! Do it!
Greg: I would, but… I would never kill my brother.
Zoltan: WHAT?! YOU WERE HIS BROTHER THE ENTIRE TIME?!
SpingeBill: It’s true… Well…. You’ll never catch me alive!
[SpingeBill runs away as Greg and Zoltan stare at him]
Zoltan: Well uh, thanks Greg, I guess. But you really should have just killed him.
Greg: I would never do that. I’ve done a lot of horrible things but I would never kill my own brother.
Zoltan: Uh, yeah. Only a monster would kill their own brother… NOW LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE POLICE CATCH US!!!!!!
[Zoltan grabs Cactus and runs away; Golf, Aaron and Prim wake up and see the dead bodies]
Aaron: That can’t be good.
[Cut to Zoltan and Cactus arriving at Zoltan’s new and fancy house]
Zoltan: Home sweet home.
[Zoltan puts Cactus down, and goes to wash the blood off his hands. He begins scrubbing it, but no matter how hard he tries his hands remain covered in blood]
Zoltan: That’s odd.
[Zoltan sits down in the couch, and opens a can of beer, which is rainbow coloured]
Zoltan: What’s this? I want normal beer…
[Pause]
Zoltan: You know, this house is pretty empty.
Cactus: Well, at least the quietness helps me think.
[A thought bubble comes from Cactus’ head, in which Pat the hippo is singing in Indonesian; cut to Mike in the R.O.O.T.S.]
Mike: I can’t believe it… He killed EdMario…
[French Guy enters, now with a robot body]
French Guy: Oh well, at least we know what we wanted to know about Zoltan…
Mike: We shall attack soon… We need to kill Zoltan… I hate my child.
[The two laugh and then go full yaoi on eachother and make out over the credits. The end]
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E4: My child is a communist. [November, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
Zoltan saves Bot from Renaud with the help of Golf and Cici.
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E5: My child is merry. [December, 2042] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
In the Christmas special, Zoltan finally forgives his child. Meanwhile, Prim goes missing.
== 2043 ==
=== (Z) I hate my child. S3E6: My child is loved. [January 20, 2043] {CartoonGuy277, Zoltan40} ===
In the series finale, Mike and French Guy get some help and try one last time to kill Zoltan and his family. Meanwhile, Golf completely goes insane and tries to get rid of all music on Earth.
== 2051-2063 ==
=== (V) Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary S1E5: Viktorious {Zoltan40} ===
In the series finale, after Ferenc Gyurcsány dies in 2051, Orbán tries to tie up all the loose ends in his life before he meets a similar fate, meeting old friends, foes and deities. He enters Talking Ben's kingdom on May 31, 2063, and along with him the DPCU comes to an end.