Language Farts

The seventh chapter of Total Drama School, posted on November 7, 2010. Only seven remain, and it's time for them to get creative in a book-reenactment challenge, but clashing artistic visions may spell doom for both teams.
==Story==
The Rulers are peacefully sleeping... sort of. Amanda wakes up to find Carson piled on top of her and Veronica laughing her head off.
Amanda shrieks, "Aaaaah!" She kicks Carson, who flies off the bed and onto the floor. Carson scratches his head. "What just happened?" he says sleepily.
Amanda says, "Yucch! You were sleeping on me for the whole night!" Veronica isn't very happy. "Guys, if we want to win today, we sort of have to act like a real team." she says.
Confessional (Carson): How can we act like a team when there's only 3 of us?
Veronica then says "OK people, let's go!" Amanda and Carson are both being lazy and won't budge. Veronica has to resort to dragging them out of the room.
While they're walking through the school, they see the Apples. Meg taunts, "Hey, mini-team. Ready to get your butt kicked... again?" Amanda replies cynically, "Oh, just shut up."
Helga says, "Well, it's sort of true. You guys have 3 people." Amanda rolls her eyes.
Confessional (Gary): With only 3 people on the Rulers' team, we can just keep beating them until nobody is left! Or until the merge.
Chris comes up to the contestants. "Morning, guys." he says. "Ready for the challenge? Follow me to today's destination."
In their destination (the auditorium), Chris explains, "Today's challenge is based off of everyone's favorite thing... books! Today, you'll be performing a real-life reenaction of your favorite book. Each team will go to the Drama Room and pick out any materials you need for the play. Then, come back and rehearse. Once you're done, show it to me and Chef, and we'll determine the winner! Now... go!"
The teams race into the hallway. Gary says to the Apples, "Chris didn't say where the Drama Room even is!" Meg replies, "Don't worry, guys. It's right here." The Apples walk into the Drama Room.
Helga says, "Team, I think I know what book we should act out... The Thirsty Games!"
Alex says boredly, "What book is that?"
Meg says, "I don't really like sci-fi."
Gary says, "Must've missed that book."
Helga says rushedly, "Guys?" She begins to sweat. "You know, The Thirsty Games? Catching Water? MOCKINGBIRD?"
Gary says, "Nobody knows what you're talking about, Helga. I've got a good book... what about Ultimate Video Game Cheats, volume III? It has, like, every video game cheat in the WORLD for every video game in the WORLD! Heh heh."
Alex says, "Oh yeah, I checked that book out from the library once. It was pretty helpful."
Meg responds, "How are we going to act out cheats? And besides, I don't even play video games that much."
Gary and Alex stare at her with their mouths hanging open like dead fish. Gary grabs his SDi from his pocket and gives it to Meg. "Here, try it. It's Dragon Ball X." Meg opens up the video-game system and starts playing.
Meanwhile, the Rulers are a little more focused. Carson says, "This is my favorite book. It's hilarious." He holds up a book called "Journal of a Timid Child." Amanda replies, "Not going to argue there. I've read that. It made me laugh once or twice."
Veronica nods her approval. The Rulers then start rummaging through costumes. Carson holds up a shirt and short-shorts. "I'll be the main character."
Veronica grabs a dress. "I call being that hot girl who the main character likes!"
Carson says, "Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think Amanda is more fit for that role. Right, Mand?" Amanda nods. Veronica grumbles and hands the dress to Amanda.
Confessional (Veronica): How am I not hot?
Veronica mumbles, "Then I guess I have to be that gangsta who mugs the kid on the way to school." Carson gives her saggy pants and some bling. "Reminds me of Devin." she says.
The Apples are still arguing. "Ultimate Video Game Cheats!" yell Gary and Alex.
"Thirsty Games!" shouts Helga.
"Um... Meg? Support us here? Helloooo?" says Gary.
Meg won't answer, she's addicted in the video game Gary let her borrow.
Confessional (Meg): (playing Gary's game) Die! Die! Oh yeah! Next level!
She then looks up from her game. "I say Ultimate Video Game Cheats." Helga gets really mad. "But we're the only girls! You have to support me!" she says.
Meg wrinkles her forehead. "I said, I don't really like sci-fi." The Apples then start looking for costumes.
Later, the Apples are in their costumes, ready to rehearse. Meg, dressed in a knight's garb, complete with a sword and everything, says, "Okay, how are we supposed to do this?"
Gary, who's dressed like Vegeta, says, "I'll say a cheat, and you guys act it out."
Helga is dressed like a generic princess with a crown and pink dress, and Alex has a large spiked shell on and yellow footie pajamas.
Alex tells Gary, "Sounds good, bro."
The Rulers are working together to get the rehearsal done. Amanda says, "Okay, guys. Scene 1, at home. Go!"
Carson, in his plain white T-shirt and short-shorts, is sitting at "home" drinking his juice. He says, "Bye Mom! I'm going to school now!" Carson looks around. "Wait, who's gonna be the Mom?"
Amanda says, "I'll do it. But just my voice."
They repeat the scene again, and Carson heads out the "door" on his way to school. He is walking along. "Hmm, I'm so glad all of the bullies moved away." he says in an obvious tone.
"Psst! Veronica! That was your cue!" he whispers angrily. Veronica says timidly, "I don't want to come out!"
Carson says a little louder, "Just do it!" Veronica comes out wearing an enormous shirt about 5 sizes too big, extremely saggy pants, a do-rag, and bling with a gold "V" on it.
"Yo." she says, and begins to laugh hysterically.
Carson says, "Be more menacing." Veronica screams, "YO! I'm going to mug you, foo'!"
Carson screams and runs away. "Get back here!" Veronica yells, and trips over her saggy pants.
Confessional (Amanda): This hasn't gone very well so far.
At the Auditorium, Chris is lying on the stage with an intern massaging him. He has no shirt on. He says, "Aaah. That's it. S'more. Oh, yeah."
The Screaming Rulers come in. The intern points to the Rulers and runs away.
Chris screams, "Hey! What happened to the rest of my massage!" but notices that the Rulers are just staring at him. "Oh, yeah. You guys are ready. Heh heh heh. Anyway, wait until the Apple--"
The Killer Apples arrive in their strange costumes. "--Never mind." finishes Chris.
Chef says, "Okay, schoolmates. First up, the Screaming Apples!"
Chris whispers something to him. "Oh, right. The Killer Apples!" says Chef.
The Apples walk onto the stage. Gary says, "The Killer Apples present... Ultimate Video Game Cheats, Volume III!"
Nobody claps.
Gary says, "First up, a cheat from the award winning game series, maybe the most popular video game on Earth... Super Alberto!"
Alex is dragged onto the stage, wearing his spiky turtle and footies outfit. He says, "Rawr."
Gary reads out loud from the book, "When you are fighting Growser, jump 3 times in the air then enter this button combination: A, B, A, C, A, C, Z, X, B, C. Then you will automatically beat the game."
Alex leaves, and says, "Y'know, this wasn't my idea."
Gary then reads the next cheat, which is from the "Famed Knight" series. "Go to Princess Willow's castle and look at the treasure chest behind her throne. It contains 5000 gold pieces!"
Helga comes out with a plastic treasure chest. She opens it and takes out fool's gold. "I really wanted to do the Thirsty Games. Some team." She drops the fool's gold and storms off.
Gary then explains another cheat, and Meg comes out with Alex again, and she pretends to "stab" Alex, who says in a monotone voice, "Ow."
Gary says his last cheat. "In Dragon Ball X, my favorite game, go to the Codes screen and use the microphone to say OVER 9000!!! The game will give you infinite lives and you automatically beat it! Plus, you get to play as Vegeta! How cool is that?" He then leaves.
Confessional (Alex): That was ridiculously cheesy. We're gonna lose, and I'm ready to get sent home.
Chris says, "That was... interesting. But let's see if the Rulers can live up to it!"
Carson comes out. He's sipping his juice. "Mom, I'm ready for school!" he yells. Amanda, from off-stage, yells, "Have a pathetic day! Your breath smells like Ricky!"
Everyone laughs. Carson grumbles and leaves. The next scene is on the streets. Carson says , "Hmm, I'm so glad all of the bullies moved away." Veronica, the gangsta, comes out. She shrieks, "Yo yo yo. I'm gonna mug you, li'l boy."
Carson leaves, and once again Veronica trips over her saggy pants.
The final scene is at school. Carson says to himself, "I sure like that girl over there. I'm going to ask her out!"
Carson goes up to Amanda, playing the girl, and says, "Will you go out with me?" Amanda punches Carson in the face.
He falls over, and gets a bloody nose. "Ow! You weren't supposed to actually hit me!" says Carson. Amanda says, "Oops. My bad."
Chris and Chef burst out laughing. "Nonstop physical comedy!" says Chris. "The Rulers win!"
Amanda jumps up and cheers with Veronica. Carson grumbles.
Confessional (Carson): I mean, we won and all, but I'm starting to question whether Amanda is the best person to have a crush on.
In the Apples' dorm, Helga is very mad. "Guys, if we had done The Thirsty Games, we would've won! Now who should we vote off?"
Meg is invested in Gary's video game. She's screaming "Yes! I won!"
Helga says evilly, "I think I know."
Confessional (Meg): I finally finished that game. Now I can focus on winning the competition.
Confessional (Gary): Helga's nuts. Real nuts. And if she's gone, that means more time with me and Meg! Oh yeah... and Alex. That party pooper.
Confessional (Alex): I vote for Meg because she's a jerk. Or maybe it's just because she's my complete opposite.
At the Main Lobby, Chris says, "So your winning streak ended already? Wow, guys. That's just... wow. Anyway, the first A+ goes to... Meg." Meg comes up and grabs her A+.
"Alex." Alex sighs. "Guys, this is the final A+ of the night. Pretty brief eliminations lately. Maybe there should've been more than 12 people. Well, there's a surprise later, but anyway, the final A+ goes to..."
"...Gary." Gary grabs his A+. "Why am I always the last one picked? Well, it's fine. I'm not complainin'."
Helga stands up. "Okay, guys. I'm not even that surprised. Bye, everyone. And now that I'm eliminated, I can have more time to read books! Eee!"
She skips away, onto the School Bus of Losers.
Before the Apples go to bed, Alex says, "Looks like we're another 3-person team. Ah, well." He falls asleep.
Chris says outside the school, "That was my favorite challenge yet! I mean, seeing people get beat up-- priceless! Oh, yeah. Who will be the next person to go? How will the teams survive with only 3 people on each one? And why do some people not even care about their elimination? Find out next time on Total... Drama... Schooool!"
==Author's Notes==
*The title is a very lowbrow play on the school subject "Language Arts."
*The Screaming Rulers' book, "Journal of a Timid Child," is an obvious reference to the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series.
*Helga's plot in this episode, between her book idea being rejected and her eventual elimination, is the catalyst for her transformation in Tiki Jungle and beyond into the Helga we all know and love.