Batman: Assault on Arkham/Transcript

The Riddler: Riddle me this. When is a door, not a door?
It feels like drowning, doesn't it?
When the answer is at the edge of your cortex, but you can't seem to grasp it.
You're trying my patience.
The answer... When it's Ajar!
Here is an easy one. What runs around a city, but never moves?
No?
A wall!
What do you want, Nigma?
The Riddler: I'm in charge so I'll ask the questions. Try to keep up, won't you? Riddle me this. What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
Amanda Waller: Your name.
The Riddler: Huh! You've heard that one!
Amanda Waller: No, I have Google, like the rest of the world.
Why do you talk to me like this, Waller?
Simple, I needed to keep you babbling long enough to pinpoint your position.
My... what?
Hands in the air, where we can see them!
Take him out!
Make it hurt!
Riddle me this. Why didn't I quit when I was ahead?
What is it? Report!
The Riddler is mine!
Switch to night vision!
Secure the perimeter!
Holy crap! It's Batman!
Ahh!
I know you helped him, Nigma.
Tell me where it is.
I'm invoking priority level, ultraviolet.
Assemble Task Force X.
We have another suicide mission.
I got the hangover, but I don't recall the party.
Oh crap! Not this again!
You too?
It's like a bloody recurring nightmare.
Looks like we've got rookies.
Who are you people?
And why am I in uniform?
No bars!
No chains!
Time for meat!
Ow!
You try it, fish fingers, and I'll show you the meaning of cold-blooded.
You're feisty.
Everybody! Shut up!
I've been here before.
I am leaving!
Stop!
Sit down!
I'm Amanda Waller. I'm here to indoctrinate you convicts into our special forces.
Pass.
I kill to keep degenerates off the streets.
I won't work alongside them.
Fresh air and term off my sentence?
Feel free to keep calling me up, love.
Task Force X is an off-the-books government strike team, made up of convicts with no hope for release, serving as expendable agents, for impossible missions. Succeed, and I'll shave time off your sentences.
If we don't?
You'll be dead!
Any other stupid questions?
Yeah, what's in my neck? A tracker?
Amanda Waller: Yes, and a powerful nanotech explosive. Run away, get yourself captured, disobey an order, hell, give me a right answer too slowly, and I'll blow your head clean off!
You're lying.
You would not take all of this trouble, just to kill us.
Try me!
Anyone else?
I didn't think so.
What's so dangerous this time that you had to send in the newbies?
You're going to break into Arkham asylum.
That's insane!
You don't know much, do you?
Screw that!
I don't do freaky deaky's.
Yahtzee!
How do we start?
Oh, I like you, cowboy.
You're loco!
And me likey your locomotion!
Ahh!
What's the plan?
A week ago, while in my employ, a low life calling himself the riddler managed to gain access to my computer system.
He downloaded a file containing the identities and histories of every current, past and potential member of the Suicide Squad.
Including ours?
That's right! He's threatening to release them all on the Internet.
You're going to get it back.
Riddler's got one copy, and it's on a thumb drive in his cane, which is apparently locked away in the Arkham property room.
In the intensive treatment building, right under the solitary confinement cells.
Good times!
So we get someone inside.
Is it me? Can it be me?
Dibs!
She's a wild card.
Harley Quinn, has an encyclopedic knowledge of Arkham's layout and its logistics.
She gonna be okay that close to the Joker?
I'm fine, we're done.
He's a jerk! Whatever.
Well, I'm convinced.
You'll be snuck into Gotham.
You'll rendezvous with a power broker who will set you up for the break in.
This is as off-the-grid as it gets.
So let's keep the body count to a minimum.
Deadshot, rubber bullets only.
What about the bat?
He has his hands full on another case.
In fact, we work it right, we might be able to take advantage of him.
Waller!
What, Lawton?
Play fair and I'll shoot straight. Jerk me around and I'll kill you!
Be a good convict, Lawton.
Don't make me blow you up.
I'm clear!
Gas them!
What?
I'm getting tired of this trick.
You and me both, cowboy.
Maybe, when we get into Gotham,
I can show you around.
I know some tight places.
Not interested.
Hmm.
I told you, Harley, if you're giving it out, heave a chunk my way, eh.
Eh! You wish!
Shake your boomerang at the shark guy.
King Shark: Do it, and I will bite it off.
Come on, Harl, for old times' sake!
Are we gonna have a problem this time around?
I think we might, mate.
No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't trust vermin.
Honorless, rudderless, undisciplined.
They'll never find your body.
Oh, ninjas are awesome!
You think that means we're there?
I hate heights!
Whoo!
We're not going to make it!
Waller, please!
Ahh!
Remember this feeling convicts, I hold your lives in my hands!
You crazy bitch!
Open the damn chutes!
Do it, now!
Good one! Good shark!
Oh, Christ!
Where's Harley?
Don't worry! I fell on my head.
Great! Now, how do we get to the rendezvous unseen?
A few more miles.
Keep moving, then.
This is flipping bonkers!
Sloshing through the sewage so a guy dressed like a bat won't spot us.
You want to head top side, slick?
Be my guest!
Nah! We're practically there.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cobblepot!
We're closed! Private party!
Yeah, we're the private party!
This way. He's waiting on you.
Your guests have arrived, Mr. Cobblepot.
Right, right. Come in!
Welcome to the Iceberg Lounge.
I'm just finishing my supper.
Pardon me, Mr. Cobblepot.
Lawton. Oh, I never pegged
Deadshot for a team player.
Oh, things are tough all over, sir.
That's a good one!
This man is the best assassin I've ever seen.
And I only work with the best.
I aim to please, Mr. Cobblepot.
I was told you can get us into Arkham.
I can, indeed.
I've made arrangements to sneak you into the crazy farm.
Follow them to...
You!
Clown!
You're still not mad about that truck, are you, Pengie?
Wah, wah.
It feels like you are.
The Penguin: You cost me money, funny girl! Her and her loony boyfriend lit my truck a cigarette and drove it into the river! Just for a laugh!
Harley Quinn: Does it matter that Mr. J and I aren't together anymore?
Nobody steals from me and walks away!
It's bad business, love!
You're right, you should kill her!
Hell, I'll kill her for you!
Oh, come on!
Except, you know what else is bad for business, sir?
Double crossing your clients.
And I would hate for folks to say, "Mr. Cobblepot takes your money and kills your operatives."
Get her out of my sight, Lawton.
There's your files.
Memorize the contents. You can grab some shut-eye in the rooms above.
You deploy tomorrow night under the cover of darkness.
And then, I never want to see any of you on my turf again.
Now, get the hell out of here!
Never the charmer, aren't you?
Bite me, boomer!
Oy, Lawton!
Nice shade, mate.
We got off on the wrong foot at the start of this mission.
Hoist a pint with us.
Can't, it's a school night.
Suit yourself. How about a friendly game of darts, then?
Yeah!
Lucky shot!
Right, let's see you do it.
Yeah!
Sorry mate.
Looks like that one
took a bad bounce.
Ow!
Let's call it even. Mate.
Louise, it's Amanda, I have a special assignment for you.
Something I'd rather keep between the two of us.
I'm listening.
Harleen Quinzel: Welcome back! Did you miss me?
Floyd Lawton: What do you want?
Harleen Quinzel: I got an itch I thought you could help me scratch, cowboy. Oh, good start!
Floyd Lawton: Oh, what the hell?
Harleen Quinzel: Yahtzee!
Here's my stop.
Wish me luck, cowboy.
Yeah!
There's got to be
one here somewhere.
You know where he
put it, don't you?
Uh-oh.
Where is it, Harley?
No idea, what you're talking about.
Answers! Now!
Back off, Bats.
Where is it?
What's he talking about?
Who knows what these wankers get worked up about?
I don't know, I swear.
I'm not firing blind against the bat.
Waller, what the devil is going on?
You don't get to call me up and demand answers, Deadshot!
What are they talking about?
Joker stole a dirty bomb and hid it somewhere in Gotham.
Apparently, it's large enough that the radiation would kill half the population.
Batman's torn the city apart trying to find it.
At one point, he thought Riddler might know.
The Joker has a dirty bomb?
That gives me the chills.
Ice puns? Really?
Waller, this is crap.
I don't care, convict.
Do your job!
Harley Quinn: Honestly, B man, I don't know where Mr. J puts half of his stuff. I just wanted a chatty boo-boo doll before they went on sale tomorrow.
Get her back to Arkham!
Will do, Batman.
Get in there, you nutty broad.
I'm in the middle of lunch.
Now I've got to process this crazy dame?
Crazy, huh?
Why don't I just toss her in her old cell, and come back.
Yeah, right. I've got like half a dozen new forms to fill up before you can even come in.
We got ten minutes
to plant the device.
Where should I dump her?
Put it through the X-ray machine.
Heh, don't get much deader than that.
This one's cold as ice.
Hey buddy, I got nothing in the system about accepting a new body.
Yeah! Ha-ha.
It says, "not found."
I came from inside.
Run it again.
Nah, something's wrong.
I'm gonna to have to get security.
Junction box is up ahead.
So move your ass.
Harley!
Is it really you?
Shit!
Don't screw this up.
Aren't you even going to say hello?
Oh, guys, you've got to see this.
Joker just spotted Harley!
Keep walking.
Tell him to shut up.
Aw, I can tell you're still sore.
At least the bruises cleared up nicely.
What's your hurry, Harl?
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Damn it!
Let's move.
Maybe, she'll kill him.
I'm going to kill you! I'll kill him! I'll kill him myself for what he's done to me!
Women! Am I right, officer? Can't live with them, can't kick them out of a moving car.
You know the rules, buddy, I got to phone it in.
She's dead!
How much trouble could she be?
Nothing goes in or out of
Arkham without being okayed.
But...
Give me a sec, I'll try to get a hold of the watch commander.
Run it again.
I tried twice, sir.
I can't lose this job because your system is down.
Come on, you amateurs.
Sorry hon, bulletproof.
Harleen Quinzel: Even better, puddin'.
The Joker: Why, Harley, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to kill me.
Harleen Quinzel: We're finished, you and me! I got someone new now, someone better!
Oh, hell!
This will have to do.
Never mind, just came through.
About time!
Sorry, it's an old system.
No problem.
Let's see what goodies we've got.
Oh, shit!
How the... ow!
Ahh! My goolies!
That's payback, you dumb ass.
Walk it off, Captain Kangaroo.
Come on, we're out of time.
New guy?
That's right! You're not jealous, are you?
That's him!
I know you.
We worked together once.
No, wait, don't tell me, don't tell me. Hmm.
Deadhead, hmm? Buckshot?
I got her!
You can have her!
Bet you buy your shirts second hand too.
Sir, we've got an explosion on level E.
He's still secure, sir.
Is that room service?
Tell them I never got my calzone.
Good! I need every available security down in the kitchen.
Stat!
We're on yellow alert.
You're late!
Ran into her ex. Grab hold!
Put your back into it.
Hey! Nobody's supposed to be down there!
Ah, we just snuck down here for a little party.
What kind of party?
Crap! You're Harley Quinn!
Don't move, you crazy bitch.
Blech!
I hate Italian food.
Has that kitchen fire been contained?
Yes, sir.
Get here!
Lawton!
What?
GPS has you in the main security hub.
What's going on?
We own it, that's what.
Now we grab the cane.
Don't get too cocky, Lawton. You're at the point of no return. You best keep that in mind.
That gas explosion put the whole bloody asylum on yellow alert.
If the security cameras make us, we're toast.
So shut down all the security cams.
That's a sure fire way to alert the bat.
What then? Let him watch us run around like idiots?
Play yesterday's footage.
Aw, shark-wick had his first thought.
Shut it, Boomer! Say it again.
Play yesterday's footage of the same time.
I can do that.
And we can operate without eyes on us.
You mean Batman's or Waller's.
Both!
The intensive treatment building is there, just across the yard.
Let's move!
Low profile.
Frost, move your ass.
Top priority are those towers.
I can scale them.
No time.
You do two, I'll do two.
Fine!
On my mark.
Now!
You missed!
Wait for it.
Patrol, I need a sweep of the yard!
Boom! In your face!
He got to his walky!
I'd score that a miss, you two-bit c-lister!
That's it!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Boys, we got company!
Shark, no!
Finally, some action!
So much for low profile.
Status report.
I got you in the exercise yard, but you don't show up on the cameras.
Must be something wrong
with the system. Damn it!
We're a little busy right now.
I'll call you back.
Don't yank me around, convict.
Get the cane, get out!
Yahtzee.
Victor Zsasz, we've got you surrounded.
Please! Please, don't hurt me.
Let the girl go before it gets ugly.
The zombie is mine to liberate.
I have righteous work to do.
I'm not in the mood tonight, Zsasz.
Alfred Pennyworth: You seem troubled tonight, sir.
It's Harley, Alfred.
She was acting odd.
Odder than usual, you mean.
Like she was happy to get caught.
Maybe she missed her puddin'?
Maybe.
More likely it's linked to the Joker's bomb.
Arkham had a yellow alert this evening.
Everything looks to be in place.
Hmm.
That's Mochel.
He doesn't work Friday's.
Neither does Ferrick.
That's the Thursday crew.
This isn't live. They're broadcasting old footage.
Something's wrong at Arkham!
No! No!
Enough, Shark, put him down!
Ow!
Ouch!
Do I have your attention now?
Don't break cover in the middle of an operation, unless I say so.
Don't ever do that to me.
Or what? You'll chew my head off?
Do it! I'm begging you.
You think any of you have a shot of getting out alive without me?
That's what I thought.
We're just lucky this was contained.
Start following orders, all of you!
Harley Quinn: Why don't you just calm down, puddin'?
Deadshot: Don't call me puddin'!
Property room's down here.
Locked!
Not for long.
Now that's just pathetic!
The warden uses his birthday backwards for practically all of his passwords.
How do you know that?
I used to work here.
Didn't I mention that!
Come on, as what?
As a psychiatrist, silly.
And, pal, anyone who throws boomerangs, has some real issues letting go.
Voila!
Where do we even begin?
Everyone take a section.
Just start looking!
Bloody hell!
My acid playing cards!
I knew I left them here.
Here's that Batman costume Mr. J used for the train heist.
Oh!
I've been looking all over for this.
Here's where it went.
Bingo!
Firefly. Killer moth.
Maxie Zeus.
Never heard of any of these tools.
Mr. Freeze's gun!
Score!
Thanks.
It's Batman!
Uh-oh!
Oh.
Ah!
Aah!
No way!
The spoils of war.
Black Spider just kicked the bat's ass?
Mate, I'm a little choked up.
Got the thumb drive.
What?
What the hell?
We've been played.
Where's Frosty?
Frost? Damn it!
Frost!
Right. Easy.
I knew Waller would send someone.
I'm too clever for her to let me live.
Nothing gets past you, genius.
I'll make this fast.
Do you even know why you're assassinating me?
The Wall says you screwed her and to make an example out of you.
And that satiated your curiosity?
I don't ask questions.
I don't believe that.
The human mind always has questions.
My only question is why Waller didn't just blow your head off with your nano bomb?
It's the same reason she needs me dead.
Because I know how to diffuse them.
Wait, what?
How do you know she's with the Riddler?
She was eyeballing him back at the monitor room.
So she's got herself a new guy.
After everything I've done for her!
Oh, we'll see about that.
I'll make five more just like her.
I'll take her skin and put someone else in it.
Oh, that perfect creamy skin.
Pull yourself together, man!
She mocks you right to your face.
Even dared to call you… Puddin'.
Oh, that darling girl.
She might even deserve me.
Okay, babies!
Let's cook!
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
Oh, Harley, I take back half the horrible things I've done to you.
They're gone!
Yeah, we can see that
Harley, but where?
It's Waller.
I'm here.
What are you trying to pull, Deadshot?
You're not checking in!
We had a bout with the bat!
But we're past it.
I got your cane, Waller.
We're just looking for an exit.
So you're all together?
Of course, why wouldn't we be?
Then why has the special crimes unit been called in to protect the medical center?
Maybe Two-Face got a pair of hemorrhoids.
We're out of here.
Please don't explode! Please don't explode! Please don't explode!
Shut up!
Where's that medical center?
We're still on yellow alert.
You hear something?
Ah, let me check.
Hey, remember that time when Mad Hatter...
Smitty? Smitty!
Boo!
Aah!
Smitty!
Put your hands in the air!
And boom!
I'm just going to slip into something more comfortable.
So no peeking.
This is the special crimes unit.
Surrender and return to your cells.
Light 'em up!
That worked well.
Then like the hanged man, we are at the end of our rope.
Wow, I hate you!
You can thank us later, losers!
You all right?
Somewhat.
Glad you made it.
This better be good!
He knows how to turn off the bombs.
Look familiar?
I can do it, but you got to get me into the medical center.
We got maybe five minutes before Waller figures out what's what.
We get to that room or we're dead!
Should have brought a tank.
We have one.
No heights!
You're joking?
I said no heights!
I'll guide you. Trust me.
I'm crazy, but that's just nuts!
Step on it!
Go to the right!
Aah!
Let's move!
Did we win?
Let's see now, we'll need this on.
This for back up.
Grab a chair.
Whee!
How do you diffuse this bomb, exactly?
It's the electroshock.
It's the what, now?
The Riddler: I'm going to run 1000 volts through your heads and fry your bombs.
Oh!
Good, put the chairs in a circle here, around Old Spark.
Oh, I love electroshock!
It's a shiatsu massage for your brain.
Lose those.
I'll keep a look out.
More cops.
Choppers too.
This will work?
Or give you a grand mal seizure.
I'm clamping you to the chairs
because you're going to wiggle.
I don't trust this fruit loop.
Mmm, 1000 volts, 5 bodies multiplied by 5, allowing for absorption, three second pulses.
You know what you're doing, right?
Damn it!
Don't stop working. 
Yeah, Waller.
I'm getting reports that there's a break in at Arkham.
You're on red alert!
News to me.
What part of off-the-books do you not understand?
Are you in the medical center?
We hit a snag.
Batman again?
Spider needed medical attention.
Spider? But he's...
No excuses, Lawton, you get that!
Uh-huh.
No more crap!
No more time! No more shenanigans!
Uh-huh.
Ah!
Amanda Waller: Those scumbags are trying to screw me.
Captain Boomerang: I never need to do that again.
Harleen Quinzel: Are you kidding? I feel great!
Amanda Waller: Nobody screws the wall!
King Shark: Uh, guys!
Killer Frost: Do it again!
The Riddler: I don't know, maybe the skin is too thick?
The Joker: Best gun ever!
Boy, why'd his head explode?
Because the bomb in his neck didn't diffuse, you asshole!
So what's his excuse?
Oh. Oh, that's rich!
Huh?
Denzel, what have they done to you?
The Riddler: Haven't you solved it yet? The black spider is Batman!
Aah!
I know that sound.
Someone's flossing their brain.
Talk! Why are you here?
Amanda Waller wanted the Riddler dead.
Waller? What's she got to...
The Joker: I'm here, bitches! And I've brought favors for everybody.
Yahtzee!
I think this was yours, deadhead.
Finders keepers.
Puddin', you're free!
Don't you "puddin'" me! I go away and suddenly you've got new friends. Even picked a new guy!
You got it all wrong, baby. I was using them to help you escape! Who else would I break into Arkham for?
Nobody, that's who.
It'll be just like old times.
Oh!
Hmm.
The Joker: You! New guy. I don't like people touching my stuff.
Deadshot: Go ahead! You're out of bullets!
The Joker: I am not!
Deadshot: You are! You're going the pull the trigger and when nothing happens, I'm going to punch you in the throat and bash your brains out! Three. Two. One.
The Joker: Hold on, stop counting for a second. I know there are bullets. See!
Captain Boomerang: Mate, you just out-crazied the joker!
This place is crawling with cops!
I'm going to kill Waller!
Can we get out of here first?
Whoa!
Oh.
Mallet!
It's right here, Mr. J.
I was keeping it safe for you the whole... ow!
It's time for a very big bang.
Why the hell are we running?
We're sitting ducks here.
And whose fault is that, do you suppose, leader?
I've been carrying this team all night, you douchebag!
Ah, fellas!
Really?
Is that what you'd call it, eh?
Guys.
Guys, listen...
Yeah, yeah that's what I call it, you one-gimmick hack.
Great, let's split up.
I'm better off on my own.
Guys! Batman's here!
Batman: Joker, where did he go?
Don't owe you squat, Bats!
Batman: Lawton, we can settle our business later. Now, where's the Joker?
He and Harley took their mallet and disappeared.
That's where he's hidden the bomb.
Simulus testing! Simulus.
I know you can see me, Bats.
Hope you brought protection. 'Cause I'm about to give Gotham a terminal case of tainted love and it's really gonna burn. And just in case you're thinking of stopping me, I figured I'd invite some friends to my big blow-out.
Stop! Please!
Batman: I need to find Joker and stop that bomb.
Good luck with that, mate.
Got to get out of here.
Yeah, but what will get us far enough to escape that blast?
Well, isn't that convenient.
Ow!
Out of my way, loser.
No!
Oh no you don't, Lawton.
That's my ride!
Only one of us is getting out of here, and it ain't you!
I'll get you for this, Lawton!
Get those gates closed!
Where's our backup?
Now that's what I call backup.
We've got it under control,
Batman, you can take...
And I'm talking to myself, again.
Going my way, handsome?
Cute kid!
Hope she doesn't take being an orphan too hard?
Huh?
Holy crap!
You know she's going to kill us, right?
Where's the fricking gas pedal?
Uh-oh!
Sure he smacks me around sometimes, but you're the one who's always hurting me!
Now I'm going to hurt you!
Stop me, if you've heard this one.
Listen to me!
Harley, the bomb!
For someone who's not Batman, you've been a real pain in my ass.
Deuces, new guy!
Have a seat, puddin'!
Bang!
Batman: Waller! You knew when you sent your little suicide squad into Arkham, they'd go off script.
Amanda Waller: Oh, it's just you.
Batman: When your bombs didn't dice them, you figured the SCU would. All that, just so you could kill the Riddler!
Amanda Waller: Let's just say, I break a lot of eggs to make an omelet.
Batman: And because you're a messy cook, the Riddler was able to escape.
Amanda Waller: I got careless. My men will get Nigma next time.
Batman: There is no next time.
Amanda Waller: No? We're the U.S. government! Who's going to blow the whistle on us, the convicts? Who'd believe them? You? You're going to start a blog and expose us? I don't think so. That's checkmate, Batman.
Batman: I'm warning you!
Amanda Waller: Enough! Don't they need you back in your squalid little city? They never did find the Joker's body, did they? Punk! Mother...
Floyd Lawton: Bang!
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