2016 Power Rankings-Week 5

<---Previous Week
== Introduction ==
If you like upsets, you won't be upset with this week's results. The underdog took four of the five matchups this week...and Shotti won his. Both undefeated teams were defeated, and both winless teams put a dub on the board...and Shotti won too. The most impressive win has to be RIPDab, with the most impressive choke being Deez Sons of bitchez. And Shotti scored another 260+, so there's that. Things are just as crazy in the NFL. The Panthers are 1-3, already losing more games in 2016 than they lost the entire 2015 season, including the post-season The Vikings, without Bridgewater or Peterson, are 4-0 for the first time since 2009, the same year that Minnesota went on to not win the Super Bowl.
== Stat Notes ==
* MVP becomes the first team to reach 15,000 regular season points scored.
* GBM becomes the 5th team to reach 14,000 regular season points scored.
* Papa’s Posse becomes the 7th team to reach 13,000 regular season points scored.
* Dee becomes the 9th team to reach 9,000 combined points scored.
* Peeled Eggplant becomes the 3rd team to reach 14,000 combined points scored against. Paddock 9 becomes the 4th.
== Survivor Update ==
Congratulations to the five remaining survivors. All of you chose wisely this week and get to move on to week five. The closest anyone came to elimination was Jared, who definitely soiled his pants watching the Saints game. I think if Jared really wants a heart attack he should take the Browns next week. The QB they’re facing hasn’t even started a game yet, so he probably sucks. 
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== Power Rankings ==
=== 1(3). The Shotti Bunch ===
Bench Points - 84.36
TPS - 352.88
2015 Week Five Ranking - 4
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Halloween approaches and it’s not the nationwide clown epidemic that has me losing sleep, it’s the thought of The Shotti Bunch with their best four game start to the season in their franchise history. Not only was this a great stretch for the team, but with 468 yards this is the best four game stretch of AJ Green’s career. Meanwhile, I think this anonymous quote from an AFC defensive assistant coach sums up our feelings nicely. Courtesy of Bleacher Report:
“Thanks to Roger Goodell,” said the coach, “Tom Brady is going to kill us all.”
 Over 260 in back to back weeks and on a nice 3-game win streak, TSB now faces the 10th place team in hopes of tying their longest win streak since 2012.
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=== 2(2). Papa’s Posse ===
Bench Points - 47.02
TPS - 202.94
2015 Week Five Ranking - 5
The hits are coming one after another for Papa. On Sunday his team was literally murdered by RIPdab. On Tuesday, Papa received the devastating news that he is allergic to grass. Then, Wednesday they learned that Kevin White is heading to IR. But the man has grit, plain and simple. The other day I didn’t hear from him and I thought he died and you know what he said to me? “I’m not dying. Not before the fantasy season is over.” PAPA DON’T PLAY. Kevin White goes down? Next man up! Allergic to grass? That’s why Fantasy is played on a computer, not on the gridiron!
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=== 3(1). Deez Sons of Bitchez ===
Bench points - 17.73
TPS - 172.22
2015 Week Five Ranking - 2
Before we go bailing Dee out by saying they were a victim of Matt Ryan’s 70 point performance, this team played so badly that GBM could have sat both of their QBs and still won. No, this loss, plain and simple, rests solely on Dee. Doesn’t anyone remember their cliches? You don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Or in this case, you don’t put all your eggs in one terrible NFC South team.  
Dee started five NFC South players, including four for the Saints. What’s crazy is the Saints offense didn’t even have a bad day, unless you count 35 points and the first win of the season as a bad day. These roster problems, which began to show themselves in week three, may be more deeply rooted than we thought. At least Dee panicked and dropped the best defense the league has seen since 1985, only to get curb stomped by that defense two weeks later.
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It’s nice to see Chan honoring the Nate Follett family tradition of sabotaging your own team right when you start putting a winning season together. Should be interesting to watch Dee continue to collapse in week five. SEVEN active players on their roster are not playing and Ryan Fitzpatrick, coming off 9 interceptions in their last two games, is their starting QB.
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=== 4(5). Garoppoblow Me ===
Bench Points - 23.44
TPS - 251.54
2015 Week Five Ranking - 1
After going 2-1 in the three weeks without Gronk and Bell (we won’t count Gronk’s 16 snap shit stain last week), GBM followed up with a takedown of Deez Sons of Bitchez with Gronk playing sans TB12 and their top two WRs on the bye. So much for the 2-11 draft day projections. GBM was at the Falcons game with Dee on Sunday and got to witness their stars in action. Ryan looked...decent I guess. But let me ask the question everyone is thinking: is GBM actually good, or do they keep getting lucky? They are fifth in scoring but have faced the 2nd easiest schedule based on points against. Are they a 3-1 team or a 1-3 team that keeps playing teams having crappy weeks? The question will answer itself, as teams that are graced by the schedule Gods do not have long-term success. For now, GBM will enjoy this win. The only thing more satisfying than beating the first place team with the optimal lineup set was sitting next to Dee as Matt Ryan threw up 500 yards right in her eyeballs.
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=== 5(7). RIPDab ===
Bench Points - 21.86
TPS - 299.97
2015 Week Five Ranking - 8
Well there isn't anything negative to say about RIPDab this week. They won, and they won big. They've been at the right side of the biggest blowouts two weeks in a row, with margins of victory over 100 both times. They will be rewarded this week with a matchup against their first place girlfriend, who is basically waving the white flag of surrender since they have so many people on the bye that they actually don't have the capability of picking up players to field a full team. RIP has been respectful to the Fantasy Gods for years. Have they finally forgiven Dab for his 2012 season?
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=== 6(4). Peeled Eggplant ===
Bench Points - 44.88
TPS - 272.46
2015 Week Five Ranking - 7 
What the hell is Peeled going to do if Cam Newton doesn’t play on Monday night? He'll be down to only one player on his roster. I guess Brown COULD technically put up 200 points on his own, but I wouldn’t count on it. Meanwhile, sources close to the situation have confirmed that Peeled Eggplant has made several failed attempts at wrangling a high profile player from another team in exchange for Gary Barnidge, the league’s 16th-ranked tight end, and Allen Hurns, the league’s 47th ranked WR. Without going into details, this trade involved a team’s first round pick this year and was not meant as a joke. Carlos Hyde was on the table at one point but was removed after Peeled realized the other team might actually want him. Talks have stalled and it looks like Peeled will have to hope that their luck turns around when they face Luck next week.
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=== 7(6). Jar Jar Stinks! ===
Bench Points - 73.39
TPS - 257.63
2015 Week Five Ranking - 9
Odell Beckham Jr. says he’s not having fun anymore and who can blame him? He has not scored a touchdown since December of last year. Not only does he have to split touches with that stud Sterling (Wish my team had guys like him), he has to play for a fantasy manager that throws him out there on Sundays with empty roster spots. Bold strategy by Burns (who was in desperate need of a running back) to go ahead and drop a running back. At least he replaced him with a wide receiver. 
I think he’s taking the whole “the NFL is a passing league” thing too seriously. You need air to survive but you don’t JUST need air. You eventually have to take a sip of water. JJ Stinks is all hot air at the moment, and will be dying of thirst if they can’t come up with a win next weekend.
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=== 8(9). HELLEVATOR MVP ===
Bench Points - 41.94
TPS - 250.23
2015 Week Five Ranking - 10
MVP breaks out of their losing streak like Hillary Clinton breaking through the glass ceiling, with fewer pant suits but with an oddly similar number of cheesy jokes. This was a long time coming, and as terrifying as it seems, I wouldn’t be too worried. MVP still has a lot of work to do as one of only two teams averaging less than 200 points per game. It’s important to note that MVP has the most points scored against through four weeks. Turns out the grueling four game stretch was as advertised.
MVP has really fallen into obscurity of late. They haven't made a statement either way and they sit in a strange No Man's Land: not good enough to be lauded and not bad enough to be ragged on. After their matchup against Papa we may have a better idea of just who this team is...
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=== 9(8). Ma ma momma said ===
Bench Points - 22.12
TPS - 232.13
2015 Week Five Ranking - 3
Momma DID say they enjoyed being ranked low, and it is my pleasure keeping them down here. Being taken behind the shed by Paddock 9 is not a good look. With the loss bearing down on them Monday night, momma’s only hope was for Victor Cruz to nab a touchdown or hit a yard bonus, but Paddock’s RB stole the lone TD of the night for the Giants and sealed the deal. 
Momma has not lost to Garoppoblow Me at all during Obama’s second term as President, but MMMS also had a tight end all those other games. This time around that’s not looking too good. Are they due for a win against the team they've owned or is this roster inherently flawed? They have placed their WR's on the trading block and they are looking to stock up on backs, so if anyone is interested in offloading talent hit up MMMS. I'm looking at you, Gary Barnidge.
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=== 10(10). Paddock 9 ===
Bench Points - 21.70
TPS - 249.57
2015 Week Five Ranking - 6
Paddock 9 finally gets a win and our collective hope for a winless season is vanquished just like that. Sadly, Paddock 9 now has to face The Shotti Bunch two of the next three weeks, with RIPDab sandwiched in between. The future looks pretty dark, hence why they remain in the basement of the rankings. If they pull off an upset in the next three weeks we can reassess.
As for this week, Darkwa, which sounds like the name of a villain from the Star Wars prequels, gave Paddock a big 13 point buffer on Monday Night Football, just as momma was beginning to close the gap. I’m sure Darkwa will be just as valuable against the Packers, who are giving up a league best 1.8 yards per rush this season. 
Finally, it would be foolish not to mention Julio Jones. Jones put up 300 yards, 9 short of 3rd all time but still good enough for 6th. If jones can score 68 points every week, Paddock 9 will win at least one more game this season.
== Matchup of the Week - A Tale of Two Shitties ==
With mismatches all over the place, I'm most curious to see how Jar Jar stinks! vs. Peeled Eggplant plays out. The loser will be on the outside looking in on the playoffs after five weeks. Still very early in the season but we're getting to the point where each loss puts more and more distance between the bottom four and the top three or four seeds. That leaves five or six teams battling for two spots. JarJar started off hot last year and then faltered, while Peeled started off slow last year and surged to five wins. This year both are struggling, JJ on a two game losing streak and PE on a three game losing streak. For JarJar, the question is clearly running backs. The question is simple: why don't you have any? For Peeled, Cam Newton is a problem. Waiting in the wings is rookie phenom Wentz, but if Cam's status is still unclear heading into Sunday, what do you do? As of now it looks like Peeled will win handily but this is why we play the game.