Episode 120: Valerie Harper/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 120: Valerie Harper.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey! Did you know that if Tuesday Weld married Fredric March's grandson, she'd be Tuesday March the Second? Aaaah.
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Valerie Harper! YAAAYYY!
 	The Muppets gather around Valerie.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo tries to hit the "O" with a large mallet, but the mallet collapses on top of him.
==Backstage / Opening number==
Kermit 	Hey uh, George. George?
George the Janitor	What? What? What?
Kermit 	Would you clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess.
George the Janitor	Yeah. Of course it's a mess, with all these Muppets exploding around here. Every time I turn around, there's somebody blowing his top.
Kermit 	Uh, George, that is a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
 	
 	A Green Frackle walks by and BOOM! his head explodes. The headless figure walks away.
George the Janitor	Ehh. I guess it's all in my mind.
 	Enter Valerie through the backstage entrance. Applause.
Valerie 	Am I in the right place?
Kermit 	Oh, Valerie Harper! Welcome to The Muppet Show! Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us.
Valerie 	Oh, me too, Kermit. You know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week. I got hiatus.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get it lifting something?
Valerie 	Oh, no —
Kermit 	Maybe you should see a doctor.
Valerie 	Kermit, that means that we're on vacation. And um, well, you see, I'm a total Muppet freak.
George the Janitor	Everyone in this joint is a freak!
 	A three-headed creature goes by.
George the Janitor	See what I mean?
Kermit 	Uh, George, this is uh, Valerie Harper. She's on hiatus.
George the Janitor	I'm George the janitor. I'm on vitamin E. (waves his mop at Kermit) Move it.
Kermit 	Uh, you have to uh, forgive George there, uh …
Valerie 	Okay.
Kermit 	Uh, you were saying, Valerie?
Valerie 	Yes. I — I was hoping that uh, you might let me do a big opening number on the show.
Kermit 	Oh, well, we had planned to open the show with uh, Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese.
Valerie 	Yes.
Kermit 	But actually, uh, Bertha isn't here yet and the show's about to start.
Valerie 	She won't be here, Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh - what?
Valerie 	I, uh, scotch-taped a bushel of birdseed to her body. Even as we speak, geese are pecking her into oblivion.
Kermit 	Uh — heh, wow, you are some determined lady.
Valerie 	I certainly am, Kermit. Look, I can do it if you just give me the chance. Kermit, television is great, but I gotta get back on those boards. (music swells up) You know what it's like - a live audience, smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd. At least let me audition for you, will you?
Kermit 	Sure. Go on ahead.
 	
 	Valerie sings "Broadway Baby" while walking upstairs. She enters her dressing room, re-emerging in costume as a maid, Mae West, and Marilyn Monroe. She takes the spotlight for her big finish. The Muppets gather around and applaud. All three of her characters come out for their curtain call.
Kermit 	Oh, that was great! You were just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you're going out on that stage a star, but you're gonna be coming back a chorus girl. (walks off)
Valerie 	I'm not sure that's what I had in mind.
Waldorf 	Ehh, what a beautiful performer.
Statler 	Yeah, what a beautiful woman. You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her. Hmph!
Waldorf 	Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you. Besides, I was thinking of going backstage.
Statler 	You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather.
Waldorf 	Why, you geriatric joker. We'll settle this. We'll flip for her.
Statler 	Okay.
Waldorf 	One, two, three —
 	
 	Statler flips upside down.
Waldorf 	You win.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with two spoons.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the spoons and reacts in shock when he hears an explosion. He points to a chocolate cake on the table.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de cøokën cåkën. (mock Swedish)
 	He displays an icing tube and starts icing the cake, then garnishes it with fruit, jelly candies and sprinkles.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	He cuts into the cake with a knife, and the cake yelps in a Japanese accent.
Cake 	AI-YO! (mock Japanese)
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	
Cake 	(mock Japanese)
 	The Chef takes out a translation book and frantically thumbs through it.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Cake 	EEEEE-YOOOO-SHIATSU!
 	The Chef takes out a baseball bat.
Swedish Chef	"E-yo-shiatsu"? (mock Swedish) … de cåkën smøoshër! (mock Japanese) … HIYO!
 	He smashes the cake.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo runs towards Kermit.
Gonzo 	Hey, chief. One of those hecklers from the box is back here, and— and he says he wants to speak to Miss Harper.
Kermit 	Oh, for goodness sakes. I've got a show to do. I can't have every Tom, Dick, and Harry coming back here.
 	The three-headed creature goes by again.
Kermit 	Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick. Hi, Harry. … Of course, there are exceptions.
 	Statler enters with a plant.
Statler	Where is Miss Harper? I demand to see her! I will not be denied!
Kermit 	Well, wow! One of our hecklers has turned into a stage-door Johnny. Uh, Miss Harper is up in her dressing room there, rehearsing her lines.
Statler	Well, I've been rehearsing my lines too, for when I meet her. How's this? "Hiya, toots. You're some kind of hot-looking tomato." Heh!
Kermit 	(frowns) That's a very old line.
Statler	Well, I'm a very old man.
Kermit 	Hey, listen. Stage-door Johnnies are supposed to bring roses. What is that thing?
 	
Statler	Oh, roses are ordinaire. This is a very special plant for a very special lady. It's an African berry bush. Grows at a rate of three feet an hour. Unless it rains, then it grows faster.
Kermit 	Uh, well, I suggest that you bury your berry bush and bug outta here, buster. That's nice alliteration, huh?
Statler	Hey! Hey — I'll have you know I've dated, and wined and dined some of the finest performers on the legitimate stage. Hayes, Langtree, Barrymore …
Kermit 	Wait a minute. You dated Ethel Barrymore?
Statler	No, Lionel. Ethel was busy that night. To tell you the truth, we didn't dance much either.
Kermit 	Will you get outta here!
Statler	No, I'll sit over here with my bush. (sits)
Kermit 	I have the feeling this is going to be one of those shows. (frowns)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Doctors in Milwaukee have reported a phenomenon never before witnessed in medical annals. Mr. Gus Klinger, a steam fitter. has, over a three-month period, turned into a rug. (double-checks the paper) Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger, to explain what happened.
 	Valerie appears in the monitor.
Valerie	Well, it all started as a simple case of shag pile on the belly, but then, gradually, it spread, until he is now a 9x12 carpet. With fringe. I am just going to have to sue for divorce, that's all.
Newsman	Why is that, Mrs, Klinger?
Valerie	'Cause he does not match the drapes.
 	
==A Poem by Rowlf==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay, now it is with great pleasure and no little concern, that I present my dear friend Rowlf, with an original poem written, directed, and conceived by Rowlf - sort of a tour de force, which is French for "blow your own horn". So let's bring him on with a great big hand!
 	A great big hand walks by. Kermit frowns and walks off. The curtain opens on Rowlf..
Rowlf 	I've titled this original poem "The Butterfly." Ahem.
I saw a butterfly one beautiful morn,
Flitting silently on the dew-covered lawn.
And I thought to myself, how wonderful it would be
If only we could see
Millions of these covering the mountains, the plains, and the seas.
 	A butterfly flies behind him.
Rowlf 	
I held out my hand, and motioned it to land.
And as it did, I looked for another butterfly with which to mate it.
I couldn't find one, so I sat down and ate it.
 	
 	As he laughs, a giant butterfly catches him with a net and drags him away.
Rowlf 	It was only a joke! I'm just kidding!
Waldorf	Ehh, Statler would have loved that one. But I hated it.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Okay, let's move that butterfly. Move it, move it, move it.
 	Statler watches as the butterfly drags Rowlf along.
Statler 	Well, at least you're better than that bear. Not much, but …
George the Janitor	Hey! What are you doing here?
Statler 	Well, if it's any of your business, janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss Harper.
George the Janitor	Oh. Well, it looks like your, uh, plant could use some waterin'.
 	He waters the plant, and it immediately grows.
Statler 	Hm? No! No! You fool! Oh, no! This is an African berry bush! It grows at an enormous rate! It will grow and grow and eat everything in sight.
 	
George the Janitor	(aside) It bears a striking resemblance to my brother-in-law.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. Animal dances with a woman.
Woman (EO) 	I think your brother is going to buy you a house.
Animal 	Why?
Woman (EO) 	I heard him say that you belong in a home.
Animal 	Ahhh! Dip!
 	He dips her. Switch to the loud lady and her partner.
Loud lady 	(loudly) You know, I just can't seem to hold on to a guy. What is it, huh? I'm a real good-looker, a neat dresser, and a great cook. Come on, tell me now. What's my problem?
Man 	You're too introverted.
Loud lady 	Yeah, maybe you're right.
 	Switch to Zoot and Janice.
Zoot 	Ehh, this music they're playin' is garbage! Pure garbage, man.
Janice 	Why do you say that?
 	Garbage falls on him.
Zoot 	Enough said?
 	Switch to Dr. Teeth and Mildred.
Mildred 	Uh, Dr. Tooth?
Dr. Teeth 	Teeth.
Mildred 	Teeth. Do you think honesty is the best policy?
Dr. Teeth 	Oh, positively.
Mildred 	Well, you are a terrible dancer.
Dr. Teeth 	Another crack like that and your best policy will be an insurance policy.
 	Switch to two Frackles.
Green Frackle	You'd better be careful. There's a bat coming your way.
Blue Frackle 	Oh, that's all right. My uncle was a vampire.
Green Frackle	It's not that kind of a bat.
 	WHACK! A sentient baseball bat whacks off the Blue Frackle's head.
Green Frackle	A definite improvement.
 	
==UK spot==
 	Rowlf plays the piano. Sam looks over a piece of sheet music.
Sam the Eagle	Uh, so what do I do here?
Rowlf 	Oh, Sam, you just play the part of the bird. I mean, it's not written for an eagle, but uh …
 	
Sam the Eagle	Well, is this cultural?
Rowlf 	Oh, yeah. This is light opera. Gilbert and Sullivan.
Sam the Eagle	Mm. Begin.
Rowlf 	On a tree by the river, a little tomtit sang …
Uh, this is your part, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	(reading) Willow … tit willow … tit willow.
Rowlf 	And I said to him, "Dickeybird …"
See, that - that's you, Sam. You play the part of the dickeybird.
"Why do you sit, singing …"
Sam the Eagle	(gives him a blank look) Dickeybird? (nods, sighs) Willow … tit willow … tit willow.
Rowlf 	"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried …
Not meaning you, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Mm. Yes, yes.
Rowlf 	
"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied …
Sam the Eagle	Uh, willow … tit willow … tit willow.
Rowlf 	Mm-hm.
Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name isn't …
Sam the Eagle	Willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf 	That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim…
Sam the Eagle	(aside) You wanna do this? (catches up) Uh, willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf 	And if you remain callous and obdurate, I …
Sam the Eagle	What's "obdurate"?
Rowlf 	I don't know, Sam.
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why.
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die …
This is the last one, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Willow … tit willow … tit willow. … Why are they laughing?
 	Applause.
=="Searchin'"==
 	
 	Floyd and two Whatnots sing "Searchin'" while seeking out an evasive Mary Louise.
Whatnots	Gonna quit now.
Floyd 	I'll find you, darling.
Whatnots	Gonna quit now.
Floyd 	I know you're around here someplace.
Whatnots	Gonna quit now.
Floyd 	Oh, this is hard work.
Whatnots	Gonna quit.
 	She pops up.
Floyd 	Okay.
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	Just think, that old fool Statler's getting a chance to meet Miss Harper backstage … just because he could do a flip. But I bet he can't do this. (makes a funny face)
 	
Waldorf 	Ehh, sometimes I tickle myself. In fact, I think I'll tickle myself now. (does so)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit is shocked when he sees that Statler's plant has grown around the entire backstage area.
 	
Kermit 	Statler! You gotta do something about this crazy plant of yours!
Statler 	Now, hold it right there. I know my rights. Section three, paragraph four, Theatergoer's Manual. "Any member of the audience has the right to"—
Kermit 	Oh, don't give me that hogwash!
George the Janitor	(holding a bucket) What did you say?
Kermit 	I said, "Don't give me that hogwash."
George the Janitor	All right. I was gonna wash the hogs, but if you don't want the hogwash, I'll just dump it here.
Kermit 	No, no, no! Not there!
 	George throws the bucket on the plant, and it grows some more. Gonzo, Scooter and Wanda run around in chaos, but Statler just sits still.
George the Janitor	What? Oh, no!
Gonzo 	Help! Bush running amok! Bush running amok!
Wendy 	(screaming)
George the Janitor	Help! Help! Help! Oh, no. Help!
 	The plant wraps itself around Kermit.
Gonzo 	I'll get you! I'll get you! Just hold still!
==Dressing room==
Valerie	Hilda, I lost my comb. Do you know where I can get a new one?
Hilda 	Oh, haven't you met Bernie, our new makeup man?
Valerie	No, I guess I haven't.
Hilda 	Oh. Uh, Bernie! Bernie!
 	Bernie, a blue rabbit, hops in.
Hilda 	Bernie. Uh, Miss Harper needs a comb, Bernie.
 	
Bernie 	Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.
Valerie	Hiya, Bernie.
Bernie 	I'll get you a comb in just a minute. In the meantime, have an egg.
 	Hilda snickers.
Valerie	Hilda, don't tell me he's …
Hilda 	That's right. He's the Easter Bernie! (laughs) Oh, dear. Oh, finally, they gave Hilda the pinch line.
Valerie	Don't you mean punch line?
Hilda 	No, I mean the pinch line.
Valerie	How come?
 	She jumps when Animal pinches her on the rump.
Animal 	Haaahh.
Hilda 	That's how come.
Animal 	Hiya, sweetie.
Valerie	Hilda, you want a punch line, this is a punch line.
 	She bops Animal on the head. Animal faints.
Hilda 	Nice punch, Valerie.
==Backstage==
 	It is now such a jungle backstage that Kermit has to chop his way through the foliage.
 	
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Onstage for the next sketch, please.
Fozzie 	Uh, Kermit? (grunts)
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	Kermit, I cannot do my monologue.
Kermit 	How come?
Fozzie 	Because the tree ate my cue cards.
Kermit 	(sigh) Statler!
Statler	Hmm?
Kermit 	One of these days I'm gonna get you for this.
Statler	Well, you could have avoided all this if you had let me meet Miss Harper when I asked.
Kermit 	The only person you're going to meet back here is Tarzan.
 	They overhear Tarzan yelling.
Statler	I hope he's a good dancer.
==Wayne and Wanda==
Sam the Eagle 	Ahem. Once again, the happy harmonies, the melodious melodies, the warm warblings of Wayne and Wanda. (mumbles) Please, do it for me. Or somebody.
 	Open on the two in a countryside setting. The fog rolls in as they sing.
 	
Wayne and Wanda	
On a clear day,
Rise and look around you,
And you'll see where you are…
(coughing)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline …
 	
 	He examines the paper and sees it's blank on both sides.
Newsman	Oh. Ahem. Sorry. (walks away)
==Dressing room==
 	Valerie powders her face.
Valerie	Kermit, I am so pleased that you're gonna allow me to do a big dance number to close the show.
Kermit 	Oh, listen, it's my pleasure. Hey, but I think I should warn you, uh, you're gonna be doing this with our chorus line, and they're known as the Clodhoppers.
 	
Valerie	That's perfect. It's been so long since I've danced. I'll fit right in. I'll be a perfect clod. (Kermit frowns) Oh, no, no. Don't worry. I'm gonna give it my best shot.
Kermit 	Aw - you're a trooper, Valerie. I'll go out there and introduce you, okay? (walks off)
Valerie	Okay. (to audience) Hang in there, gang, This could be the start of a new career. Or the end of one. (sighs)
=="Nobody Does It Like Me"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay! And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Valerie Harper with the Clodhoppers.
 	
 	Valerie sings "Nobody Does It Like Me" while dancing with the Clodhoppers.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, once again, friends, it's time to say so long, but first, let's thank our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper. Yaayy!
 	Applause.
Valerie	Kermit, I can't tell you how great it's been being with you, if very unusual.
Statler	Ahem! Excuse me, Miss Harper. Uh, my name is Statler, I —
Kermit 	Oh, for heaven's sake, Statler!
Statler	I was wanting to meet you all evening.
Valerie	Oh.
Statler	I wanted to give you this little present and ask if you'd join me for a steak dinner later on.
Kermit 	Wait a second! Uh, what — didn't that plant grow into a great big bush, or was that my imagination?
Statler	Yeah, well, this is its firstborn.
 	
Valerie	Thank you very much, Statler. It's lovely. But I can't join you for dinner. You see, I'm a vegetarian. Of course, I could always eat the plant.
Statler	Yeah - before it eats you. (laughs)
Kermit 	Okay, well, good night, Valerie. Good night, everybody. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Statler	You're not too bad yourself. Hubba hubba hubba.
 	Fozzie drags him offstage. The other Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler	Hey? What? No! What are you? What? No! Wait! Wait!
 	Waldorf hangs from the balcony, chuckling.
Waldorf	I was practicing my flip. HELP!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts