Juneau, Froyo and Mario Kart/Transcript

This is the transcript for Juneau, Froyo and Mario Kart, which aired on March 10, 2022.
==Transcript==
1 Previously on B Positive Another prospective resident has chosen Golden Horizons over us.
That is the third one this month.
How do we stop losing people to them? What if we went over there? You know, check them out? See what we're up against? Like spies? Exactly.
We'll pose as a normal couple just looking at retirement homes.
Yeah.
And we could have Norma come along as my mom who I love, just not enough to let her live with us.
I'm Asher Singleton, regional director of Golden Horizons.
And, uh, you must be the Obama family.
Yes, it's actually O-apostrophe.
We're Irish.
O'Bama.
Ta-tee-ta-tee.
Mail call.
Norma and Irene and Bette and Spencer.
Judging from the handwriting on this one, that looks like one of your grandkids.
So cute.
Less cute.
He's 26.
Well, he draws a heck of a butterfly.
That hospital is still coming after me for my hip surgery.
$800 for compression socks.
Throw that away.
What? Why? 'Cause when you're dead, they'll go after your daughter.
Medical bills from the grave.
I like it.
I don't understand why we can't have universal health care, like those good-looking Scandinavian countries.
Screw that.
I believe in personal responsibility.
Like Reagan did.
Best president ever.
Ugh.
Never liked Reagan.
Can't trust a man who calls his wife "Mommy.
" He took a bullet and had jet-black hair at 80.
That's a real man.
And he tore down the Berlin Wall.
You ever notice how every good president has an opinion about a wall? There's a new documentary about him.
Want to watch it sometime? - Sure.
- He's busy.
I didn't say when.
He's busy.
G-G-G-Gina At her desk What is wrong with you? I just peed a little.
Sorry.
Just thought I'd return my ID badge.
I can't believe you're going to Alaska.
Well, it's the perfect place for a nomad like me.
I mean, if it weren't for my Social Security number, cell phone, credit cards, Amazon Prime, I'd be totally off the grid.
Oh, and of course, Hulu.
Well, if it isn't the Irish O'Bamas.
Asher.
Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out? I was hoping.
Can we talk in private? Do you want me to stay? I got this.
Your performance the other day was stellar.
I totally believed that your marriage was just crumbling before my eyes.
Thank you.
Uh, what can I, uh, do for you? My parent company, Senior Subsidiaries, wants to buy Valley Hills.
- What? - That's right.
You'd be part of the Golden Horizons family.
Yeah, well, I don't want to be a part of any family, including my own.
Um, it's not for sale.
Maybe this will change your mind.
Wow, you have a seizure on the zero key? But sorry, still no.
Um, taking care of these people is what gives my life purpose.
Oh, that is a good one.
I'm gonna use that.
Let's do this: Don't say no now.
Sleep on it and give me a call.
Okay.
Bye.
One, two, three, four, five, six seven.
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live Your happiness is relative And if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive If we become What we believe Then as ye think ye shall receive So just let go of the past Pull your head from your ass It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive What did Asher say? His company wants to buy Valley Hills.
Wow.
Well, I hope you told that pompous Brit To jog on, wanker.
It's a lot more than what I paid for it.
How much more? A lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Uh, I own ten percent of this place, right? - You do.
- Yeah, we're selling.
You're not really thinking about it, are you? I wasn't.
But with this much money, I could help more people than just the residents here.
But a company like Golden Horizons won't treat the residents like people.
They'd just be numbers.
Big numbers.
Hey, just remember why you bought this place.
You said money didn't matter, the only true happiness in life came from helping people.
Stop that nonsense.
We're selling.
You guys want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.
Don't answer.
- Who's there? - Nobody home.
Juneau.
I'm great at these.
Juneau who? Did Juneau I'm headed to Alaska? Did Juneau I'm headed to Alaska who? What? N-No, no, I'm going to Alaska.
I finally decided on my next adventure.
Why is that funny? I might try to work on a fishing boat.
After, you know, I spend a few weeks exploring the wilderness, just me and nature in an epic battle for survival.
My money's on nature.
He's gonna be fine.
I was with him when the going got tough.
He can handle anything.
You're damn skippy.
Oh.
Juneau's in Alaska.
Okay, it's funny.
Hello, Gina.
Did you get that bottle of ChÃ¢teau Lafite Rothschild I sent? I did not.
But turns out, a spooky Brit speaking French is kind of my kink.
My assistant left it with a "Gabby" at the front desk.
That explains why she never came back from lunch.
So, I'm hoping you're calling with some good news.
It's an amazing offer, but I can't accept.
That's a shame.
What if we upped the price by, uh, another million? Can you hold on a sec? That's so generous.
But I'm still gonna have to pass.
That's unfortunate.
You do realize that our only alternative now is to put you out of business.
Well, that's rude.
It's nothing personal.
Well, you just made it personal, Asher.
I'm just doing my job.
Oh, really? And what is that job? Beating up on the little guy? Driving them out of business just so you can squeeze out a few extra bucks? In a nutshell, yes.
You are what's wrong with America.
You are what's wrong with England.
You are what's wrong with two countries.
Gina, did you see this email that Golden Horizons sent everyone? They're offering 20% off their current rates.
What? Plus a hundred-dollar gift card for orthopedic Hush Puppies.
Fine, then I'll cut my rates by 25%, and I'll throw in a gift card for a hundred dollars to Skechers.
I do like the beige ones with Velcro.
Why don't you just give us a Visa gift card and we can shop at whatever shoe store or liquor store we want? Whatever.
Just don't leave.
Yeah, these babies are toast.
Wow.
Somebody put the "iffy" in "spiffy.
" I was worried that an ascot and a pocket square would be too much, but you got to give the people what they want.
Where you off to? My sister Lisa is taking me to dinner.
- Lisa? - Yes.
I thought she passed away a few years ago.
O-Oh, yeah, yeah.
I-I I meant my friend Lisa.
I call her "sista.
" It's a Black thing.
Y-You wouldn't get it.
- Peter.
- Mm-hmm? I'm worried about you.
Why? I saw your closet.
The pictures and the notes.
So? A-a lot of folks have systems to remember things.
Uh, haven't you ever used a mnemonic device or a calendar? Sure, but it wouldn't hurt to get a cognitive assessment.
I don't need one.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Well, if there's nothing wrong, then what's the problem with going? Who are you to talk to me like this? A few months ago, you were nothing but a-but a but a van driver.
- Peter - You was hoping I'd forget that, too.
This would be more effective if it was quicker.
But you get the idea! Hey, everybody! I have some good news! Oh, so you're finally gonna get I'm not getting a boob job! Since I beat Golden Horizons' prices, no one's moved out! Has anyone moved in? No one's moved out! Okay? Um, plus, I have some more good news.
Drew? A brand-new frozen yogurt machine! From Mitchell Kitchen Industries, the first name in frozen yogurt since 1982.
When you think yogurt, think Mitchell.
And the left spout is lactose-free! Oh, hell no! Oh, hell yes! Gina, we got another email from Asher.
Now they're offering six months free.
Free? I can't match that.
Ooh, they just put in a pizza oven.
- Jerry.
- No one likes pizza.
They're gonna put me out of business.
Oh.
Poor kid.
She doesn't deserve this.
- Agreed.
- Yeah.
It's a tragedy.
I'm gonna go pack.
I thought you might be out here.
My life is a dumpster fire, so this feels right.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
Yeah, well there isn't.
I could always say, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
" You can't say that anymore.
It's body shaming.
And it doesn't have to be a woman.
There are a lot of good singers who are nonbinary.
Okay.
Well, I could say, "It ain't over till some unspecified event occurs "that improves your current situation while offending no one.
" Better.
I was gonna head out tonight, but maybe I should stay? No.
Don't worry about me.
Just go have your adventure.
You're gonna come out on top.
I know it.
I wish I knew it.
You sure you don't want me to stay? I'm sure.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- Yeah.
I'll miss you, too.
I haven't said this in a while but thank you for saving my life.
You kinda saved mine.
Okay.
Do you have a moment? Oh, hey.
Of course.
I'm sorry about last night.
I said some terrible things I didn't mean.
Oh, that's okay.
No big deal.
Did I ever tell you that my father was a saxophone player? - No.
- Oh, he was amazing.
He played with Ellington and-and Count Basie, Cab Calloway.
- Wow.
- Whew.
Hearing him play was the thing I loved the most.
Then, one day, he stopped.
Never played another note.
Why? Alzheimer's.
Couldn't remember the songs anymore.
Oh, Peter.
I watched my father go from this brilliant saxophone player to a man who couldn't even remember he was once a great musician.
Gina, I'm scared.
I live my life in my mind.
Teaching and reading and writing.
And if I lose that Peter, I'm here for you.
Even if you decide to go to Golden Horizons, you can call me whenever you need me.
I appreciate that.
And I'll-I'll take your cognitive assessment.
Great.
Hey.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Did I ever tell you about my father? He played the saxophone.
- Peter - Gotcha.
Sorry.
I was watching a hockey game and couldn't leave during the national anthem.
I left during Canada's.
- Are we missing anyone? - Well, everyone else has either moved out or given notice or we don't like 'em.
It's like a scary movie where people keep disappearing, but the monster is a retirement home with better rates.
So, what does everybody want to do? Well, I love Gina, but I've got a lot of medical bills from Meredith.
Six months free would make a big difference.
I don't have a choice.
My son pays for me, and he wants me to move.
Aw, geez.
I don't want to go to Golden Horizons.
I hate big corporations.
What about Fox News? That's a family-run business.
But if you go, I go, too.
Aw, thank you.
You might want to turn off your hearing aid tonight.
Use a condom.
Herpes is forever.
Well, if you guys leave, there's no reason for me to stay.
Gina thinks of me like a mother, so I'm gonna stay till I'm dead or I wear out my welcome.
This is where I want to be.
You're idiots.
Six months free? You won't even live long enough for them to charge you.
Wait, is this a surprise going-away party for me? I suspected it but didn't dare hope.
We're talking about whether to stay or abandon ship.
I want to be loyal, but I'm on a fixed income.
Seriously? Golden Horizons doesn't have the one thing that matters most Gina.
- Hear, hear.
- Damn right.
Harry.
You think Golden Horizons would turn their dining room into a French bistro for your anniversary? Probably not.
And when you were sick, Gina insisted you move in so she could take care of you.
Who else would do that? Not my ex-wife.
Even when we were together.
Look, she helps everyone.
She gave me her kidney, for God's sake.
Wouldn't you rather live in a place run by someone who sees you as family and not just a dollar sign? I don't have herpes.
Uh-oh.
What happened? Did they cancel Blue Bloods? We've talked about it, Gina.
We all want to stay.
- No matter what.
- That's right.
Golden Horizons may be nice.
And cheap.
So damn cheap.
King-size beds.
Three gourmet restaurants.
One of 'em's a steakhouse.
Where ya goin' with this, guys? It doesn't have you.
You're worth more than any amount of money to us.
We're not going anywhere either, boss.
Yeah, we all love you, Gina.
I just like you.
My grandma used to say, "Always surround yourself with people who care about you.
" Smart lady.
She also said, "Don't marry a woman who can read.
" Thanks, everybody.
Um I'm trying really hard not to ugly cry right now.
Oh, God.
It's happening.
Thank you.
I just talked to my son.
He's moving me into Golden Horizons this weekend.
What? He said he's paying and I have no choice.
So, what, I'm stuck here all alone? Don't worry.
You won't be alone.
How you doing? Meh.
Huh.
I'd kill to feel meh again.
But I get it you have your hands full.
It's not that.
What, then? It doesn't feel right that Drew's not here.
Norma He said that he loves me.
Oh.
What did you say? I said it's complicated.
But that's only because I'm making it complicated.
Then make it simple.
What do you want? I want Drew.
Well, then why are you still sitting here?
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