EndMalarkey

EndMalarkey is the pilot episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on May 8, 2020.
== Plot ==
As election season comes, Presidential hopefuls declare their candidacy.
== Transcript ==
Narrator: It is time.
[Screen pans to the Executive House, Bikini Bottom]
Secretary: Sir, I have some urgent news to tell you.
Mr. Trump: Like what, that this job is so freaking awesome?
Secretary: And why is that?
Mr. Trump: Because I get to be more important than ever. And man, everybody is talking about how the Presidency is so stressful—the only time I feel stressful in this house is when I doodle my noodle. Man, I could live like this forever and ever…
Secretary: Yeah, um, that’s what I came to talk to you about...
Mr. Trump: Another blowjob? Uh, hold on, I need to shave…
Secretary: No, not now. It’s that the year is 2020, which is election year, which means you need to get out the house and start campaigning for your re-election.
Mr. Trump: Excuse me? Re-election?
Secretary: Yes. You are President, which is an elected position.
Mr. Trump: I knew I should’ve just stayed living off my father’s fortune…
[MEANWHILE AT THE INVESTORS’ MEETING]
Mr. Banana: Greetings, establishment folk, and all you losers looking at us through the TV Store window. I now present to you, someone who would take on Donald like no one else can...Joseph R. Biden!
Investors: [clap]
Mr. Biden: [out of frame] Yes dear, I picked up the Russian salami this time. Wait, I don't think this is my house.
Jill Biden: [out of frame] Whatever, just get in there.
[Mr. Biden walks into the room.]
Mr. Biden: Greetings, Your Honor. Now, I plead guilty for being a sex criminal. I just can’t believe you guys caught me, I thought I was worth millions. It’s just that...I’d like to get out, please, I’ll fund all of your children’s college education, and I would pledge to never touch—
Investor #1: Uh, sir? This is your campaign speech?
Mr. Biden: Oh! Silly me! Wrong speech, uh, this was for...a Thanksgiving lunch! All malarkey, I tell you, all malarkey! Okay...now here is my campaign speech! Huh..a live audience? Who'd ya think I am, Banana, David Letterman?
Mr. Banana: Sorry about all this. He had a few drinks to calm his nerves...
Mr. Biden: Bud light… Tastes like [yawns] piss.
Mr. Banana: [laughs nervously]...oh boy...
Mr. Biden: [drunk] vote for me you hippies!
Mr. Banana: Okay, Joe, uh...we should let Jill speak! [Calls out] Jill! Please get over here!
Mrs. Biden: Oh, hi guys. Anyways...Joey, let me grab the note…
Mr. Biden: NO! GET AWAY FROM MY TOY!
Mrs. Biden: Honey, it’s not a toy, it’s your Presidential campaign speech!
Mr. Biden: GET AWAY FROM ME! 
Mr. Banana: [frustrated] Alright, Joe, let Jill handle the speech...
Mr. Biden: How about...no!
Mr. Banana: [screaming] NOW.
Mr. Biden: But...but…[breaks down in tears]
[Mr. Banana slowly escorts the crying Mr. Biden off stage, subtly taking his speech, and handing it to Mrs. Biden.]
Investor #1: Are we really gonna trust this man? Hillary already failed us, and this is the best you got?
Investor #2: Dude, who else is it gonna be, Bernie Sanders? That communist will take away all our stuff! Listen, I’d rather have this man win the nomination and then lose to Trump, than Bernie winning, and then naturally also winning against Trump. We must ensure that both parties are secured by establishment candidates.
Investor #1: I know, I know...but, him?
Investor #2: DO YOU WANT TO BE IN JAIL? Don’t think Bernie doesn’t know about your sexual degeneracy, this man will direct the courts to put you in prison for life!
Investor #1: Ah! Okay, okay...BIDEN 2020!
Mrs. Bidenl: Okay, anyways, now with my husband’s speech. [wheezes] I am glad to announce to you all that my husband, Joseph R. Biden, is running for President of the United States, to beat Donald Trump like a drum and restore the soul of this nation. He is a moderate, “return to normalcy” type of guy. Looking at who you are, I am assuming none of you would want Bernie in charge, so I beg you to donate to him to help him win this race!
[At this moment, Biden runs out into the stage.]
[Biden: Yahoo-]
[Biden falls over the table the investors are sitting at and it collapses. Biden is dragged out of the room by Mr. Banana.]
[MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE BIKINI BOTTOM HIGH SCHOOL]
[Mr. R’Onion, an Environmental Science Teacher at Bikini Bottom High School makes an announcement to his class.]
Mr. R'Onion: Class, I have something incredibly important to say. I am running for President of Bikini Bottom. The current President is the most unprofessional President I have seen in a long time, and I believe someone as great as I could fix that! Now, who wants to join me?
[The whole class cheers. Travis Pineapple makes very strange and very unusual sounds however, but it is hidden by the class cheering. However, the class suddenly goes quiet when Mr. R’Onion asks for people to join, though Mr. Pineapple unknowingly keeps making those noises.]
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! Stop making such unprofessional noises!
Mr. Pineapple: Uh...I’m sorry!
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, you do realize, you are falling incredibly behind! In fact, if you do not pass this class, you will be unable to obtain a high school diploma, and you are currently failing right now! Perhaps, if you were to be my manager to help me run my campaign, I’ll give you a passing grade!
Mr. Pineapple: Can I just give you a blowjob?
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, cease that behavior at once! Do you want a diploma or not?
Mr. Pineapple: Fine...
Investor 1: Why are you running, random citizen? [He looks down at the fully repaired table] hey what the hell [muttering]
Mr. R'Onion: Plant.
Investor 2: Elaborate, random citizen.
[Mr. Pineapple taps Mr. R’Onion on the shoulder, and gestures to walk out of the room next shot, just outside the conference room.)
Mr. Pineapple: Sir, I don’t think “Plant” will get anyone elected.
Mr. R’Onion: I’m an environmental science teacher and a member of the Green wing, what else do you expect me to do?
Mr. Pineapple: To be completely honest, I had low expectations… But I still expected you to say more than ONE WORD!
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! That outburst was almost as unprofessional as those noises you were making earlier. I’ve never seen a campaign manager act like this! 
Mr. Pineapple: I don’t think you can get more unprofessional than saying one word when trying to convince two VERY POWERFUL PEOPLE to vote for you
Mr. R’Onion: I must say, Travis…your actions today have been very strange, very unusual. 
Mr. Pineapple: Just let me do it.
Mr. R'Onion: But-
Mr. Pineapple: I’ll be back in like ten minutes. Just wait there.
(Mr. Pineapple enters the conference room)
Mr. Pineapple: [laughs awkwardlly] Sorry about that. What my dear friend Mr. R’Onion means is that he’s very passionate about the environment.
Investor 1 and 2: THE ENVIRONMENT?!
Investor 1: SECURITY!
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion being literally thrown out of the building.]
Mr. Pineapple: Whew! I was scared for a second but this hay bale placed directly in the middle of an industrial complex broke my fall!
[Mr. R'Onion falls out of the sky, and hits a brittle metal drum. He falls through it.]
Mr. R’Onion: [From inside the drum] I’m okay…aw, my leg’s on backwards.
Mr. Pineapple: Well at least I'm fine.
Mr. R’Onion: #ArrestBiden and #Arrest Trump.
IYoungblood’s Son: Ok.
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