Ice Age: Collision Course/Transcript

==Transcript==
NEIL deBUCK WEASEL: The universe...a vast expanse of space and matter. It includes all that we see, and all that we know. Since the beginning of time, we have wondered how it came to be. A gloriously orchestrated plan? A chance series of events? Or something much, much dumber?
----
:Crash: It's a beautiful day out here on the ice as father meets daughter in a quest for hockey supremacy.
:Eddie: It's Peaches meets Manny.
:Crash: Mammoth meets mammoth.
:Eddie: Mano a mano.
:Crash: Meema me moo-ma.
:Eddie: Mama may mee-mee.
:Manny: Will you two quit it? 
:Crash: M-okay.
:Eddie: Meanie.
:Manny: The blazing mammoth takes it on the breakaway. There's never been a player so tough, so graceful.
So desperate to score.
:Manny: He fakes right. He fakes left.
He fakes knowing how to play.
What's wrong? Lose something?
:Crash and Eddie: Hey, what's that stink I smell out there? It's Manny! Hey, hey. It's Manny! Whoo! You stink!
:Manny: Okay, Fuzzball. Let's see what you got.
You asked for it.
Yes! She dominates! Again.
Oh, please. I went easy on you. It's called good parenting.
Yeah, right. Face it. I rule the ice now.
Oh, you talk a big game, hotshot. All right, how about best of three?
Whoo-hoo! Yes! Touchdown! Wait, no, that's not right. Not touchdown. What is it? Uh, hole-in-one! Whoo!
Julian!
Sorry.
Honey, I scored! Did you see me?
Yeah! And you were amazing.
Careful!
Oh, the ice is really icy. It's like super-sized, extra value icy. But I'm getting better, right?
Okay, we'll play... later.
So, she whupped your butt again, huh?
And with a butt that size, that's a whole lot of whuppin'.
Nobody was whupped. There was no whupping. It's just a loving father sharing some strategy with his only daughter.
Didn't know sucking was a strategy.
CRASH: Okay, it's our turn.
Let's show them how it's done!
You're going down, eh?
Ta-ta-da-da! For you, my mom-in-law-to-be. Buttercups! Nature's sunshine.
Isn't sunshine nature's sunshine?
Aw! Thank you, Julian. It's been so long since anyone's given me flowers. But you're marrying our daughter. You don't have to keep bringing us presents.
But it makes me happy. And for you, my guru, my rock, my main mammoth! To you, I give the greatest gift of all.
Wait. What are you doing?
Come on, Bro-Dad. Bring it in.
JULIAN: Oh! I can feel your heart beating.
Okay. That's enough of that.
You better get used to it. They'll be living right next door.
Come on, Julian. Wanna go?
Actually, weren't you gonna help me with the thing?
Oh! Right. The thing. Gotta do the thing.
I can do the thing.
No!
It's a girl thing.
Hey! Why don't you go do a guy thing? You know, you don't spend nearly enough time with your friends. 
I don't?
:Ellie: I'll see you later. () On this special day.
Uh... Okay.
Have you told them about our decision yet?
No. I'm waiting for the right time.
Come on, Romeo. Walk with me. I'm gonna watch some butterflies come out of their cocoons.
Whoa! Really?
No.
Goodbye, sweetie.
Aw! I remember when Manny and I used to be like that.
Not me! Love them and leave them, and take half of everything. That's my motto.
Mi amor, so many ladies have tried and failed to strap a saddle on Sid the stallion. But I want to share everything with you. You're the wind beneath my fleas, the algae of my eye. Will you be my mate for life?
Sidney?
Sidney, where are you?
Francine.
I need to ask...
Ow! I need to ask you something. Will you marry...
:Francine: Sid, I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm breaking up with you.
What? But I planned our whole future!
Our wedding.
Our kids. Mommy. Our burial plots.
How you doing?
SID: I even hired a band.
No, no. Not yet!
Are you crazy? We've only had one date. It lasted 14 minutes!
Yes, but it felt like 20.
Ugh! I can't! A ring? I mean, I like the ring, but no. I can't. You're too clingy.
How is this clingy?
And by the way, you look nothing like your profile picture. Francine, you gotta start dating outside of your species. 
Franny, we can work this out. Is this about the bikini? Ow! I didn't know it was poison ivy.
Oh! Uh-oh. Franny. Franny, help! Somebody. Is it the eyes that hurt... or my soul? Ow! Definitely the eyes.
Ah, women!
Yeah, women. What about them?
I don't get 'em.
Like, Ellie. Life's great with her. There's no surprises. Nothing ever changes. But then today, she giggled. Does Shira ever just giggle?
Please don't eat me!
Uh... Shira's not a big giggler.
Well, Ellie giggled. And then she wiggled. "Tee hee hee hee." Boom!
Don't ever do that again.
I have no idea why she's acting so weird.
Women.
Women.
Hello?
And speaking of weird.
Anybody there? Oh! Marco? Polo?
Oh, hi, Manny. Ew! Your breath is awful.
What happened to you?
Oh, nothing. Everything's great. Fabulous. Zippity-dippity.
Okay, let me guess. She dumped you.
What is wrong with me? Everybody has somebody. And all I've got is my boyish good looks and this mariachi band.
Oh! So itchy!
Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.
----
All I wanted is true love. Is that too much to ask?
Why is it so quiet?
Because the world is mourning my loss.
Ellie? Peaches? Where is everyone?
ALL: Surprise!
BOTH: Ta-da!
Happy Anniversary, honey!
Anniversary? (realized) Oh, no. That's the thing.
Okay! Now it's your turn, Bro-Dad!
Yeah! We wanna see what you got Ellie.
Hey, hey. Right.
Uh... So, how about another hand for Ellie?
Yeah. Oh.
He forgot!
FEMALE GUEST: I feel so bad for Ellie.
Ellie, I... Uh...
He didn't forget. That's how big Manny's love is for her!
:Manny and Sid: Nice save with the light show. Wait, you didn't do this? Then who did?
Oh, Manny. I was so afraid you'd forgotten. But you lit up the sky for me? How'd you do it?
Uh, well... A magician never reveals his secrets.
Oh... Thank you.
I keep picturing our own kid in there. He'd be the best one.
I think you meant "she."
He.
Either way, we've been over this, Diego. Kids are afraid of us.
Yeah, but why?
Are they gonna eat us?
Hi, kids!
I even smiled this time.
PEACHES: Wow, Dad. Best present ever.
You, sir, are an education in marital excellence. I'm really gonna miss you guys when we leave.
Um, actually, I haven't told them yet.
Oh. Surprise!
You're leaving?
I thought you guys were gonna live with us the first couple of years.
I know. But Julian and I kind of want to roam for a while.
Roam?
JULIAN: Yeah! Travel, explore, just go wherever. No plan is the best plan. That's my philosophy. Hors d'oeuvres?
That's not a plan, or a philosophy or very safe.
Dad, we're young. We can worry about being safe when we're old and boring. Like you and Mom.
I think we should just...
Excuse me! This is a family discussion.
But aren't I part of your family?
Not yet, you're not.
Uh...Does that look like a problem to you?
A ball of fire heading directly towards us? Why would that be a problem?
What if you fall in a ditch and get amnesia? What then, huh?
Manny, we have a problem.
Not now. I have a problem.
This one's a little bigger.
I don't think so.
Manny!
What?
Manny?
Uh, okay. Party's over, everybody. Have a good night. And leave right now!
What are you talking about? The party just got started.
Yeah. (YAWNS) Just getting kind of sleepy. Everyone should go. And duck. Possibly cover!
Hey, what's gotten into you?
Look! There's more coming!
Meteor shower!
Meteor?
Shower?
Manny's love is killing us!
I suppose this is all part of your magic show for me?
Abracadabra?
Can you guys deal with this later?
Come on. We need to take cover.
Whoo-hoo! I'm on fire!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Me too! We're smoking hot, baby!
Incoming!
Those are ours!
Are you okay? How many tusks do you see?
Tree.
Three?
No! Tree!
Everybody, jump!
Whee!
MANNY: The cave! Get inside! Move! Move!
It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy's...
Hey, it sounds like it's slowing down. Yup, it's definitely over.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Except for that one.
MANNY: We might wanna think about moving underground for a while.
Look at that! I got an egg. How many eggs did you poach, little brother?
Do we have to steal other creatures' eggs?
I mean, couldn't we just go vegan?
Sure, we could eat vegans.
Whoops! Oh-oh-oh!
Son, sometimes I wonder how you snuck into this family.
BUCK: (SINGING) Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro
With you in a minute. I'll have to rinse and repeat.
That weasel is such a buzzkill. Let's go, kids.
Don't worry, ma'am. I'll catch the crew that poached your egg.
It's a pun! I'm winking under the eye patch.
(SINGING)
A mother is crying
A damsel in distress
Foreboding intruders
have made such a mess
What I detect
is a lack of respect
For all that
is precious and dear
I am
the pint-sized protector
of this lost world
But my friends call me Buck.
Well played, guys.
I have a message,
bullies not welcome
Return what you've stolen
Go back where you came from
You know I'm greater,
so don't be a hater
You may be Jurassic,
but I am fantastic
(ECHOING) Figaro, Figaro,
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro
Figaro
Oh, love that bit.
Running and climbing
and spinning and grinning
And dashing and diving
and dodging
And sliding and gliding
and staying alive
And these are a few
of the things
That I do before lunch
Death defying
Danger denying
Look, I'm flying
You might think I'm mad
But, hey, you only live once
No need to thank me
But if you insist, I won't resist
Who smells like fish?
Hold on to your butts!
Class Dis...
...missed!!!
Good egg.
Here you are, my lady.
Go! I'll lead them away.
Oh, that was fun! Same time, same place, next week? Toodles!
Congratulations, weasel. You just signed your death warrant.
Weaseled my way out of that one.
Hmm. What's all that flash and dazzle about?
Who puts a rock in the middle of the jungle?
Ha!
Blimey! What is this place?
Whoops!
Uh...Hello?
:Buck: Oh! Hello, mammals.
Hi, Buck!
Hi.
Bye, Buck!
BUCK: Um, a little help.
Right on the spleen! Utterly useless, but totally hurts.
(LAUGHS) Hey, Buck. Welcome back, buddy.
Wait. This half-a-snack is the dinosaur whisperer?
And expert salsa dancer.
Whoo! I have one eye but all my original teeth.
Would you like to count them?
Ah...
No, thank you.
And this must be Nectarine.
Um... Peaches.
Semantics, my dear. I am deeply honored.
Sweet eye patch. Very gangsta.
Thank you. I like this kid.
MANNY: Buck. What are you doing here?
Well, I... What? I'm trying! But how do you tell someone they're doomed? He's stumped.
We're not doomed, Buck. It was just a meteor shower, and the show's over.
Oh, quite the contrary, old chap. It's just beginning. You see, I found a prophecy.
Do you mind?
Boy, he really sucks the fun out of everything. Doesn't he?
Fun sucker!
I read this tablet front to back. And the story it tells is very disturbing.
Every hundred million years or so, the world gets a cosmic cleansing. Before the dinosaurs, there were these horseshoe
crab-looking thingies. Ugh! Yuck. Then, at the bottom of this mountain range, an asteroid hit.
Boom! Bye-bye. Next, dinosaurs, mountain range, asteroid.
Boom! Bye-bye. And coming up next, mammals. Mountain range, asteroid, boom!
Bye-bye.
Stupid mammals.
That's us.
Yep, and there she is. The mother of all asteroids screaming towards us. Even going underground won't save us this time.
Hey, that wasn't there before. And look what it's doing to the sky.
No worries. Because I've got a plan.
Really? To stop an asteroid?
Look, the last two asteroids have pummeled the earth in the same spot. And it's about to happen again. We've got to go there and see what's attracting the asteroid. Once we know why it's coming, we can figure out how to send it somewhere else.
That plan is so dumb, I wish it had a face so I could smack it.
Let me get this straight. Instead of running away from a deadly asteroid, you want us to run directly towards it?
I know it sounds suboptimal, but the good news is it'll kill us no matter where we went.
Well, that's reassuring.
Okay, but even if we get to the crash site, how are we supposed to change what is literally written in stone?
Ah, my cynical friend. The dinos were wiped off the face of the Earth, but some escaped. They changed their fate and we can change ours, too. Who's with me?
So, what do you think?
Honestly, I'm worried the weasel's right.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) No! Don't listen to the weasel. He's a raving loon!
Sorry. I just love playing devil's advocate. And looking fabulous!
Well, Buck has saved our lives before, right?
But what if he can't this time?
I don't know what to believe. But I'm afraid our lives will be over before they begin.
Okay. I guess we're in.
Crash and Eddie reporting for duty.
(LAUGHS) Doody.
Excellent! And dirty word processed. Now, we better get on the road because time till impact is roughly...2 days, 4 hours, 1 minute and 16 seconds. 15 seconds, 14 seconds...
I think we get it.
I think we're all gonna get it.
Whoo! We look so cool. Whoa!
Ugh. What is this stuff?
Where is he? When I am through with that one-eyed weasel...he's going to need two eye patches.
I admire your bloodthirstitude, Gertie. But you heard them. An asteroid is coming. This changes things.
Holy snowballs! It's freezing up here. Parts are retracting into other parts.
Would you please stop acting like a parakeet?
It's a good thing you got your mother's eyes... or you'd be totally useless.
Well, that's just hurtful. 
What do you see?
Nothing. Nothing. Deadly asteroid screaming towards Earth. Wait! There he is.
That's too bad. He is really far away. Probably too far to reach by flight. (snaps his fingers) Oh, well. Let's just go home.
We are not retreating! Until that weasel came along, our family made an honest living stealing dino eggs.
An honest living. Stealing. Kind of ironic, don't you think? Besides, why take out the weasel if the asteroid is just gonna take us out?
So much sight. So little vision. If we stop the weasel and his friends from diverting the asteroid... Kablooie! 
It kills the weasel and everyone else... while we glide safely above it all. It'll be our paradise.
That's seems highly implausible.
Just from a scientific standpoint.
Fine. It's a great plan. Dynamite! One of the top three or four species annihilation plans I've ever heard.
That's better. Now let's make sure that asteroid hits.
Why can't we just fear the apocalypse like a normal family?
----
What are you doing, Buck?
All rocks tell a tale. (licks a rock) Where we've been and where we're heading.
That, however, is a turd.
Julian... I want you to know that if we don't make it,...if we never get married,...you were the only one for me.
Hey, come on! Of course we'll make it, and we will get married.
But maybe it's the universe telling us we won't.
:Sid: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're going to let one tiny little 300-mile-wide asteroid ruin your plans?
How can we think about our future when we may not have one?
:Sid: Hey, we're going to stop this thing and you'll get married. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Well, not boom. Forget I said boom. (gasps) I know!I'll be your wedding planner! It'll take your mind off all this end-of-the-world stuff.
Actually, we were just gonna wing it! Keep it low-key.
:Sid: (shocked) What? (on Julian's tusks) Peaches, Peaches. Sweetheart, you don't just wing the happiest day of your life! No, you seize it and you cherish it. You strangle it with good intentions. (hops back down to the ground) Ooh. Let's start
with your hair.
Updo with a top bun? Traditional. Or updo with a fishtail braid. Flirtatious. (Crash giggles) But maybe a little trashy.
Ugh.
And garter belts!
Today, Ed is modeling laced daisies. While Crash is rocking a more elegant ivy... that's all about the calves. Ooh. We need a seating chart! The singles table, the kids table, the weird relatives table...the smelly table, two more smelly tables.
Look at him.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
Who walks like that? "Oh! Look at me. I'm Julian. Forget the asteroid. Gimme a hug, Bro-Dad!"
(CLEARS THROAT) Look at that pretty bird there.
Yeah! That is a pretty bird. Good eye, Manny.
 Yeah. The sky is literally falling and she thinks we're just gonna let her stroll into the wilderness with Mr. No Plans Bouncy Walk.
Stop picking on him.
Come on, El, you're not still mad at me, are you?
No. I'm not still mad. Because that's not how I want to spend what could be our final days together. But if we somehow survive that planet-killing hunk of space rock, you're in for it.
If we survive, we lose our daughter.
Well, I've been thinking about that, too. What if...
Ooh. I know! We destroy the relationship, right? That way we never have to let her go... and she'll just stay our little girl forever!
No, you psychopath! What if we convince them to stay near us?
Oh! That's better. I like it. But how?
The way we always get her to do what we want. We make her think it's her idea.
You sneaky, sneaky minx!
Let's just hope we haven't lost our touch.
Found it!
Behold, mammals! A sneak preview of the asteroid to come. A space rock. Fresh from the cosmos. (licks it) Mmm, mmm, mmm. I taste iron, carbon. (gargles) Oh! And a hint of nickel. (sighs) Space tastes lonely.
Hey, look! I found another one.
Me, too!
Hey! Yours is attracted to me.
No. Yours is attracted to me.
We're just too attractive!
Stupendous! Now we have something to play with during our final hours.
You're missing the point, Tiger. They're magnets. And if these space rocks re magnetic, so is that! This can only mean one thing.
And that would be...?
Allow me.
Whoa! Where are we?
You are in my brain.
Hmm. Kind of chilly.
Gentlemen, here's what we know. Space rocks? Magnetic. Asteroid? Also, magnetic.
(GASPS) Famed astrophysicist Neil deBuck Weasel! He knows the cosmos.
:Pythagoras Buck: Ipso facto, thusly and ergo the crash site must have a heap of these things attracting the asteroid.
Ooh. Pythagoras Buck. He's got the right angle.
:Pythagoras Buck: What if we use the magnets to attract the asteroids somewhere else? As in, not towards Earth.
Theoretically speaking, if we can launch enough of these into space, they will pull the asteroid off course.
Thus, saving the world.
So, we just need to go to the crash site and launch a bunch of rocks into space. That's easy, right?
Oh, yeah. Sounds like a real piece of cake.
This is progress! Now we know exactly what we don't know how to do. Vamanos, mammals! This trail will take us directly to the crash site.
All right, kids. (laughs) Let's have some fun.
Okay, everyone. Follow the trail. Never leave the trail.
Okay, everyone. Leave the trail. Into the forest. Chop, chop.
But you just said...
You know I'm crazy. Come on.
I love the shade. Don't you?
Well played, weasel. Stay sharp, kids. They can't hide forever.
DIEGO: Hey, Buck. You have a suggestion for getting around the river?
Let's see if the tablet's ancient wisdom will guide us.
----
Let my mammals pass!
That's never gonna work.
The ancients grant us safe passage.
Sweet!
----
Wow, the air feels strange.
Uh...Diego?
Hmm...
:Manny: What?
Finally! We have superpowers!
:Buck: Ladies and gentlemen, we have wandered into an electrical storm. (THUNDER RUMBLING) I suggest we all stay away from the trees.
Sure, no problem. It's not like we're in a forest.
Boy, Mother Nature sure is in a bad mood lately.
Good thing we're all here to help each other.
:Manny: Oh, like I always say, stay close, stay alive.
There they are! Right out in the open. (laughs) How stupid can you be?
:Gavin: Come on, kids. Dive!
:Buck: Everyone, try not to create any sort of friction.
No friction. Got it.
Yup. Cool beans. Friction is what now?
Oh, no.
Come on! Let's get out of here.
:Sid: Hurry, Granny.
:Granny: Don't you hurry me. I've been struck by lightning more times...
:Sid: Ahh! Granny!
...than you've had hot breakfasts.
Peaches!
Julian, don't move!
I have an idea.
I'm coming, sweetheart!
Julian, why aren't you helping her?
Wait! No, Manny, she...
Uh, what are you guys doing?
Helping?
What would "not helping" look like?
Hey, zapheads! Whoo!
Manny, get ready to run.
Come on, let's go!
:Diego: Everybody make it?
Shira, Manny, Crash, Eddie, Ellie, Granny. Aw, shoot! I'm out of fingers.
:Diego: Buck. Where's Buck?
Do you hear that? A baby! There's a baby in there!
Buck, wait! It's too dangerous.
He's gone.
I can't believe it.
Don't know how we'll go on without you, Buck. All right, let's go.
It's Buck!
Huh?
I got you. Don't worry, I got you. There you are. There. Say "hi," everyone.
ALL: Huh?
Isn't she gorgeous?
How can he tell it's a she?
Such a good little poochie-woochie.
Just to be clear, that's a pumpkin, right?
She has a little jaundice, but I think she'll be okay. Yes, you will. I think I'll call you... Bronwyn.
Um, little buddy? We need you back on planet Earth. While it's still here. Okay?
Right you are, mammal. Who wants to save the world from the fiery asteroid? You do!
----
BUCK: Mmm... Okay, mammals. Let's stop here for the night.
Stop? What about the whole end of the world collision thing?
:Buck: Oh, asteroid's still a day off. And like my grandfather used to say... "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Purple sky at night, who moved my foot cream? I need my foot cream." Grampy was a confused and angry weasel.
DIEGO: You are so funny, J.
Stop! You're funny. Take it easy, my brother from a tiger mother.
Hasta manana, J-man.
:Manny: What was that?
What was what?
Oh, that! It's a cool way to peace out. Julian taught it to me.
:Manny: Well, I'm glad the apocalypse is bringing you together.
He's a good kid, Manny. I like his philosophy. Give him a chance. Bond with him.
(SINGING) So light 'em up, up, up Light 'em up, up, up Light 'em up, up, up I'm on fire!
:Ellie: Bonding! That's a good idea!
:Manny: Oh, right. Got you.
:Ellie: You take Julian. I got an idea for Peaches.
:Manny: Hey, Bro-Kid.
Oh, hey, Bro-Dad. You here to rock out?
:Manny: Okay. Instead of that... how about a game before bedtime?
Julian: No way! You want to play a game with me? Wow! What is honored times 1,000? No! Times one million? 'Cause whatever that equals, is how honored I am.
So, is that a "yes"?
:Julian: Yes, that's a "yes." It's the most "yes"! It's like "yes" with a bunch of s's... so it's like "yessssssssssssssssssss."
:Manny: Great! (toss him his ) I'll see you on the ice!
:Manny: Happy?
Oh, boy.
So, do you think you're ready to go out roaming on your own?
I won't be alone. I'll have Julian.
Sure. But with asteroids flying, no home to speak of and absolutely no support system, do you think you'll be ready for...
this?
I'm a wittle baby.
Imagine. You're in the woods, looking for food and your baby gets sick. What do you do?
Uh...
No! Jiggling makes her feel worse!
Oh, no! Now your older toddler has a skinned knee and a stuffy nose.
Mommy, hold me! 
Now your babies are crying. You have no food and then you come face to face with a rabid beast!
I am a rabid beast who gives rabies to babies.
And there's an arsonist on the loose.
How are you going to handle all this without our help?
Peaches, out!
Well, that's just the easy stuff. There's a lot more we still need to cover.
Uh... Baby made a poopie.
(SPITS) I'm a method actor, so I will need to be changed.
JULIAN: Oh! So close! These pucks go fast.
Just watch the puck all the way into the stick.
Oh! I did it!
Too bad you and Peaches are moving away. If you stayed, we could do this all the time.
Okay. Show me the heat! I'm like a hockey ninja!
Hey, Peaches! Looks like you got a new hockey partner to replace your dad.
:Manny: Oh, no.
Julian!
:Diego: Such a mystery why he wants to move far away.
:Manny: I didn't mean to do it. It's not my fault the kid has no reflexes.
:Peaches: How could you do that to him? I thought you liked Julian.
:Manny: I do like Julian.
:Peaches: Well, you don't act like it. When you look at him, all you see is an obstacle. Or worse, a target. But I see a sweet guy who's trying his hardest to impress you.
:Ellie: Peaches.
:Peaches: No! Both of you, just stop! If we survive, I'm still getting married and I'm still leaving home. Whether you're happy for me or not.
:Manny: Don't give me that look. She said both. That means you, too.
And this widdle astewoid went wee, wee, wee, all the way home.
ROGER: Hey... 
Eh...
Because Daddy and his fwiends saved the world.
BUCK: (SINGING) And if
that pterodactyl don't fly
Daddy's gonna blind
his remaining eye (YAWNS) Sweet dreams, little one.
Lucky pumpkin! It must be nice to have a loving father. Whoo. Okay, here we go. You can do this, Roger. Yay! Kidnapping!
Look, I'm sorry. It's not me. I would never do something like this. It's my father. He's crazy.
I can't believe he pulled it off! Way to go, dum-dum!
Oh. Thanks, Dad.
Whatever! I could've done the same thing.
Well, well. Looks like you're not stopping that asteroid now, are you, weasel?
Huh?
That's not the weasel. That's...
I don't know what that is.
Whoa! Is it my time, angel?
Time for what?
I'm coming to the light. Can't wait to see all those dead relatives I hate.
Ahh! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Go help your sister.
But, Dad...
Ahh! Demon angel!
Mess with Granny, get knocked on your fanny.
And that's how it's done.
GRANNY: Hello? Angel? Am I in heaven? It's so dark and squishy in here.
Huh?
Oh, no! I can still see the light.
Pop! I'll save you.
Whee!
Hello!
Oh, well. Probably for the best.
Yeah, probably.
Definitely.
Crikey!
Good gravy, Buck. What have you done?
All right, mammals. Time to get moving. Now let's not linger on this, but, yes... I read the tablet wrong. The asteroid is a lot closer.
Uh-oh.
Wait a second. Where's Granny?
Granny? Oh, Granny?
Maybe she wandered off?
Maybe she got hit in the head with a puck?
:Buck: Yes! And maybe she was abducted by homicidal 30-foot dino-birds seeking revenge on me. All good theories. I'm going to go with the puck.
DIEGO: I knew it! So this whole time we've been chased by giant dino-birds?
Oh, only three! I didn't want to damage morale.
Right. Because before this, we were on a carefree pleasure cruise.
DIEGO: Wait a second. (SNIFFS) I've got her scent. Come on!
Whoa!
:Buck: Mammals, we've made it! The crash site. This must be what's left of the previous asteroid.
Uh, Buck?
Your space rocks!
We could definitely divert the asteroid with a magnet that size! I mean that thing is enormous. It's massive, it's...
:Manny: Going to be impossible to get off the ground!
:Buck: It's entirely possible. In a way that we don't know about yet.
:Crash: But what about the dino-birds?
:Sid: And what about Granny?
(SIGHS) Nothing.
I'm sorry, Sid.
:Sid: Oh, Granny. My sweet, malicious Granny. Why does it always have to be the old ones who go first? Why?
I can still hear her sweet, shrill voice... shrieking from the afterlife.
Granny's alive!
And she's in trouble!
:Diego: Granny? 
:Manny and Ellie: Granny? 
:Sid: Granny?
:Sid: Is she okay?
:Diego: Uh, I'm not sure.
:Sid: Unhand my Granny!
You do and you don't get a tip.
Making this beautiful sloth happy is all the payment I need.
You see? Hunky bunny gets it.
Granny!
There's a bunny living in the asteroid? Did not see that coming.
Wait till you see this!
JULIAN: Yeah! Catching mad air on the half-pipe!
This is crazy.
Do you think they know they are living in a magnetic bull's-eye?
Doesn't look like a lot of doomsday prepping going on in here.
:???: I can't believe it!
Visitors! We've never had visitors. Somebody pinch me. Or should I pinch you? Wait, I'll pinch both of us.
Did I hit my head? What's happening here?
I sure hope this isn't a... Oh!
...dream!
This guy? For real?
Whatever.
Hello, handsome. I'm Brooke.
Ooh. Such exquisite bone structure. Such a strong jaw. I'm getting butterflies!
I'm getting nauseous.
Sorry to interrupt this weirdo love connection, but we're kind of in a hurry.
If we don't do something fast that asteroid is gonna blow us all to smithereens.
Oh. That sounds urgent. I better take you to him.
Who's "him"? Your leader?
He is our everything.
BOTH: He sees all.
He knows all.
And smells amazing!
Okay, okay. He sounds great.
Let's go!
Brilliant. Right this way.
BUCK: (LAUGHING) Whoo-hoo! Yes!
BROOKE: Please keep your arms and legs inside the tram at all times. But allow your spirit to roam free... in Geotopia.
I have a good feeling about this.
Maybe he'll be able to help us.
She did say he knows all. And all's a lot!
Here he is. The Master of Meditation, the Supreme Serene...the four-time Heavy Thoughts champion of the world!
Is that a llama? I hate llamas. They spit and smell.
So does she.
:Crash and Eddie: So do we!
Greetings, mammals! The Shangri Llama will see you...now.
Ooh. Wonderful. (then) So where is he?
He is here. Talking to you.
Oh, I get it. He's a ventriloquist and you're the dummy.
No, you're the dummy.
No, you're the dummy.
No, you're the dummy.
This is the guy that's going to save us.
Look within. You're the dummy.
Disgusting! Loved that! New topic. We're all about to die.
Well, that's no good. Stress is a killer. Let us loosen our limbs and open our minds. Downward Dog!
Uh... Seriously?
I'll wait. I have all the time in the world.
Actually, you don't have all the time in the world. None of us do. You see, there's this thing in the sky.
Oh. That blinding light that seems to get larger by the minute? (LAUGHS) What about it? Seems fine to me.
With all due respect, Your Twistiness, that's an asteroid.It's magnetically attracted to this place and it's heading straight for us.
Aha! It must desire our magnetic crystals. Well, who can blame it? They're really quite something. Did you know their power grants eternal youth? I am over 400 years old.
Mmm-hmm.
:Diego: That's not possible.
:Teddy: Sure it is. I'm 326! Whoo!
:Granny: Huh? You don't look a day over 275.
We are young, happy and safe. And we always will be. Thanks to Geotopia!
:Buck: Kudos. It is lovely. Now, let's figure out a way to launch it into space!
I'm sorry. You want to destroy our home?
:Buck: It'll be destroyed either way. But if we propel this magnetic material into the atmosphere... we can change the asteroid's path and save everyone. What do you say?
Caterpillar!
:Diego: So, is that a yes? Or... 
Oh. You are storing a lot of hostility in your lower spine.
:Manny: Shangri Llama, how are we gonna...?
Funky Chicken. Jiggy Jelly. Mashed Potato.
:Buck: Your flexibility is a sight to behold. Now how the devil are we going to launch these crystals?
You can't. It's impossible.
Whoo! I am bushed.
Awesome meeting you guys. Feel free to hang or, you know, whatever.
That's it. He was our last hope. We're doomed.
Yeah. All we got was a free yoga class.
:Sid: On that subject... could you help me, please? My nose is dangerously close to my butt.
Uh, Sid, why do you have two tails?
GRANNY: I'm in here, too.
Hey, don't cry. Look on the bright side. We get to see our lives flash before our eyes. That means I get to fall in love with you... all over again.
Only you can make the end of the world sound like a good thing.
We did a good job raising her. She's stronger than we know.
Two days ago, I'd have given anything to keep her with us. Now I'd give anything just to see her get married, and leave home.
Play with her kids, dance with her husband.
Yell at him when he forgets their anniversary.
ELLIE: It was a good one, wasn't it? Our life? You, me, and Peaches.
The best.
SID: Oh, Brooke. You're so pretty. You take my lisp away.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
I try. But usually they run away too fast.
Oh, you're such a romantic. Hey, I know this is going to sound super forward but... will you be my mate for life?
Oh, Brooke, I don't know what to say. It's only been twelve minutes. What took you so long? Yes! This has been the best last day on Earth ever. (gasped again; drops Brooke) A diamond! I need a diamond! Where can I find a... Oh! Perfect.
No, no, no. Sid, sweetie, don't do that.
Nonsense. Only the best for my one... true... love.
Whoopsies!
No, no, no! Oaf! Simpleton! Nincompoop!
You talking to her or me?
That wall was the one thing keeping us young. Now we're all doomed! Doomed! (the crowd gasped) And now, I think I have a fever. Thank you so much, doofus!
Hey! Easy there, Llama! This is the doofus of my dreams. He meant well.
Oh, he meant well. Who cares?
So much for serenity. 
300 years of peace and harmony undone by one colossally, incredibly... stupendously stupid sloth!
Oh, Brooke.
Wow! You guys got old. Whatever we had, it's over.
That's what happens when you date a cougar. 
I'm really sorry, Mr. Llama.
Sorry. Sorry? Sorry doesn't fix the wall now, does it, you little...
I need a bubble bath or a massage. Who knows acupuncture? I need to let my anger out. Let it out! I've been pent up too long. 
I want to hit something. Someone give me their face.
That's it! Pent-up energy. Earth's most powerful propulsion device is right in front of us.
Who? Spitty McGee here?
The volcano! That's our magnet launcher. All we need to do is seal the steam vents around it.
That's a crazy plan!
You're a crazy plan.
That doesn't even make any sense.
And what are you?
A professor of logic? Professor Kitty McWhiskers of the University of Meow Meow Meow Meow...
You see? Tremendous pressure leads to a tremendous explosion.
And you call yourself a professor.
Right. We need all the crystals loaded into the volcano, pronto.
SHANGRI LLAMA: What? No! I'm not giving you my crystals. We need them to rebuild our sanctuary.
(WHISTLES) May I remind you Geotopia is not yours to keep.
No, you may not.
It came from the sky, and now it's time to give it back.
Is not!
Is too, you old coot. Change isn't easy, but it's part of life. It's time for us to embrace it again. Whether you like it or not.
Not!
Listen, Llama, I will go nuts and granola on your butt! So either get on board or go twist yourself into a pretzel and na-ma-stay out of our way. Come on, everybody. Grab every crystal you can find.
ANIMAL: Totally, let's do it!
And remember, lift with your legs.
(GRUNTS) Too late.
Listen up, planetary defense team. Step one, build pressure inside the volcano by sealing the vents. No steam can escape. If there's a leak... the pressure is weak.
Step two, get the biggest magnetic crystals into the volcano. They've got to be launched sky high to pull the asteroid off course.
Heave!
ALL: Ho!
Heave!
ALL: Ho!
BOTH: Rah rah!
Sis boom bah! Tell that asteroid "Uh-uh."
Whoo! #Asteroid!
: #WhatDoesHashTagMean?
: #IDon'tKnowButItSoundsCool!
: #Totally!
: #I'mStartingtoGetSickofIt!
This is it, friends. Down the hatch. Every crystal counts.
Good news, everyone! We're six minutes ahead of schedule.
Somebody up there likes us.
----
Bad news! Somebody up there doesn't like us. We're six minutes behind schedule!
Double time, everyone. We need that big crystal.
Oh. Hey, Bro-Dad!
We got company!
Ooh. I'll put out the sponge cake.
BUCK: Steady. Steady.
Sorry about this. I'm really conflicted right now.
That's more like it, Roger. Now finish him.
Wait! Wait, you don't understand. You see that? If that asteroid hits, we all die.
:Gavin: (mocking) If it hits, we all die. (crying then luaghing) That's where you're wrong. See, while you run for your mammal lives, we'll be high in the sky,... cruising above it all.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
:Gavin: We'll be as safe as those little birdies.
:Gavin: Lucky shot.
:Gavin: Very lucky shot?
I knew it. I was right. There's no paradise.
What? I'm too young to go extinct! (SCREAMS)
:Buck: She gets it! Now, please, we haven't got much time!
:Gavin: What are you waiting for? Kill him!
No, Dad. I won't let you. Do you want to know what I love about our family? That we're alive. There are more important things than your pride right now. If you care about us... you should not kill him. You should help him, Dad.
Pop, I hate to say this, but my freaky little brother may be right.
:Buck: As a father, I would work with my worst enemy... to ensure a brighter future for my little one.
:Buck: Reinforcements have arrived!
:Gavin: All right, Roger. Lead the way.
Oh! So that's what approval sounds like.
:Buck: Keep it up, dinos. Use that Jurassic super strength!
Beep, beep, beep.
:Gavin: Watch out, kids!
The weasel has landed.
I'll push it in. Go with Peaches and Ellie!
JULIAN: No! I'm not leaving you! We'll do this together!
Mom, where are they?
Ellie, we've got to get everyone off the volcano.
Folks, I'm outta cake, but I got salami!
Faster, faster!
I'm outta cake, but I got salami!
Granny, come on!
Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
This isn't working.
Mad air on the half-pipe! Manny, I have a plan! We have to let the crystal go!
You know we're trying to get it in the volcano, right?
Manny, the only thing I want is a life with Peaches. And to prove myself to you. So, okay, two things. I want two things. Do you really think I'd waste the only chance I have left?
Okay, let's do it!
On my count. One... Two... Three!
What are they doing?
Did it work?
Yes! I take back everything I ever said about you!
Wait, what?
Now let's get out of here!
What happened?
:Diego: Maybe it's the quiet before the crazy?
:Crash: Eddie!
We did it. We did it!
In your face, space rock!
Yeah, baby! 
Not on the lips, geezer!
(SINGING) Hit the road, you stupid rock We just stopped the doomsday clock!
Bring it in, Bro-Son. Welcome to the family.
And you, you coconut! I'll never doubt you again.
See? Daddy's always right. Remember that when you're older.
:Sid: Are you sure you can't come with us?
:Old Brooke: Oh, Sidney, I wish I could. But we both know this is for the best. You've got your whole life in front of you. Besides, I'll have Granny to keep me company.
:Sid: You're staying, too?
:Granny: Are you kidding? This place is great! Tonight's the big talent show, and tomorrow, naked bingo!
:Old Teddy: You coming, Gladys? I ain't getting any younger! Whoo!
What? I can't hear you!
What? I can't hear you!
What?
You'll always be my one true love. Here.
Wow! Hold on.
It looks just like you.
Now we'll be with each other forever.
So long, handsome!
Bye, Sidney!
What you need is more fiber.
He's right.
Shangri Llama's back on top, baby!
Gladys?
Well, hello, Teddy Bear!
Mmm-hmm.
Hot tubbin' just got a whole lot hotter.
Amazing! It's like some kind of "Fountain of Never Getting Old!" Well, we can workshop the name later.
Where's the bride? Why don't I have the bride?
'Cause you're talking into a twig.
Mom, I can't talk. I'm at a wedding.
What do you mean you can't talk? Who are you with?
Um, excuse me.
Is it true you helped save the world from an asteroid?
:Diego: Um...
That's a very scary story. You think you can handle it?
BOTH: Yeah.
How scary?
Well, we were...
Hi!
:Diego: It was five minutes to midnight...and we were up against volcanoes, dino-birds, and the end of the world.
Oh, and the zombies! Don't forget the zombies! () You know, we'd be great parents.
:Diego: So I turn to Bigfoot, and I say, "Listen, big guy..."
I don't know. I don't know! What am I gonna do?
Sweetie, listen to me. This is normal, okay? Everyone gets nervous.
What's going on? What happened?
:Peaches: It's just... I can't go. How can I go? I don't wanna leave you guys.
Hey, Fuzzball... remember the first time that we played hockey? You were so afraid to get on the ice because it was slippery? Remember how I held you up while you started to skate? And when I knew you were ready, I let you go.
 Aw, Dad.
I know you're ready. Now you have to let go.
I always knew it would take someone very special to match your spirit. And you found him. Just like I did. It's your time, sweetie. See the world, chase your dreams.
MANNY: And whenever you decide to come back... we'll be here, okay?
:Peaches: Okay.
Do you...
:Peaches: I do.
And do you...
Most def.
I now pronounce you...
Sid!
Brooke!
Oops!
This is amazing! You're young again. And somehow, I'm still single.
I guess the universe was smiling on us.
I have so many questions for you. What happened? How'd you find me? Have you tried the shrimp?
Shh. Close that pretty little mouth of yours and just listen.
This is dedicated to the sloth of my dreams.
That guy? For real?
(SINGING) Oh, Oh, Sid, Sid, baby, You make me so happy
Oh, I never knew I
would make it out
And come this far
Oh, I never knew I
Would see the day
we come together
Oh, it's not like anything
I've ever...
Sid? I never thought I'd say this, but you did a great job on the wedding. I owe you bigtime, pal.
You sure do. Here's my bill.
What?
Father of the bride pays for the wedding. It's a tradition I just invented.
Wait a minute, this is ridiculous. Look what you're charging for flowers!
Flowers ain't cheap.
:Manny: No! They're free! We're in a forest! This bill is outrageous!
----
NEIL deBUCK WEASEL: Mars. The Red Planet. Cold, dry, inhospitable to life.
But billions and billions of years ago...Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans...the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened?
Why was life unable to take hold?
Where did the water go? We may never know.
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