Secret Contestants

This is the 5th episode of season 1 of SBFW's Got Talent.
==Transcript==
Nicholas: Sorry about what happened last time. The issue has been resolved… I hope… Anyways, today is when the secret contestants get revealed! (crowd cheers)
Lisa Loud: Hello! I’m right here!
Nicholas: Shut up! Without further ado, up next is… Gene?
Gene: But I’m a judge. How can I be a contestant?
(Someone who looks identical to Gene shows up on stage)
Gene?: Heyo, y’all.
Gene: This is NOT how I act and I don’t approve.
Gene?: Shut up, doofus.
Gene: Hey! That wasn’t very nice.
Gene?: No one cares what you think!
AVGN: Can we just get on with the talent show already? My butt muscles are hurting from sitting so long.
Gene?: Ugh, fine. (he starts to read the communist manifesto in a womanly voice)
Ramsey: What the hell is this guy doing?
NC: He’s crazy!
Gene: Weirdo.
(Gene? Finishes singing the communist manifesto, and everyone is asleep)
Gene?: WAKE UP, YOU FOOLS!
(Everyone wakes up)
Gene?: So? What did you think?
(All four judges buzz at the same time)
Gene?: Screw you guys. I’m outta here. Everyone's a critic… 
Nicholas: Up next is… uhh… am I allowed to say this?
Censors: Sure, whatever.
Nicholas: Up next is Shattered Penis!
Censors: FRICK YOU! (hits Nicholas with a frying pan)
Nicholas: Hey! I’m doing my job!
Shattered Penis: Ay, is this another argument about my name?
Censors: Yes it is. Change it immediately!
Shattered Penis: No way, dudes. You’re just stupid sensitive people who can’t handle people who say heck.
Censors: We take offense to that!
Shattered Penis: Okay then. Try taking offense to my big stunt I’ll be pulling off on today’s episode.
(SP starts to unzip his pants, and is instantly taken away by the censors)
SP: THIS ISN’T THE LAST OF ME, CENSORS!
Nicholas: Ooohkay, let’s move on to the big guns: the secret contestants! (very loud applause and cheering from the audience) In episode 2, we foreshadowed the first secret contestant.
(Flashback)
???: That snail thinks his meows are the best? Well, he’s wrong. I have the best meows. In fact, I have three in my first and last name alone. A legendary hero needs a legendary talent show. My golden sword will do the trick.
???: But you aren’t even up for another 3 episodes, dude.
???: Yes, I know. But it can’t hurt to prepare, huh? A legend must always prepare.
???: Okay, dude, if you say so.
(End of flashback)
Nicholas: Who do you guys think the secret contestant is?
NC: It has to be Garviel. It HAS to be.
AVGN: You realize he’s already a normal contestant, right?
NC: Darn.
Nicholas: And the secret contestant is… 
DUDUDUDUDuUDDUDUDUDUDDUuuddu
Mao Mao from Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart!
Mao Mao: I ate way too much cobbler this morning and now I’m super hyper and can’t even finish ONE SENTENCE.
Nicholas: Whoa there, buddy. Let’s calm down for a moment.
Mao Mao: You can do this… (breathes) AHHHHHHH! That’s better.
(cricket silence)
Nicholas: Now that you’re calmer, show us what you’ve got to show us today.
Mao Mao: I will. I will… slice this watermelon into two perfect slices.
(He pulls a watermelon out of his pocket and throws it up into the air. He then slices it with his sword, slicing it into supposedly perfect halves)
Ramsey: How do we know it’s perfect halves?
Mao Mao: You guys have eyes, right? Look at it.
Random spectator: It’s not 50/50!
Mao Mao: Shut up! Anybody else? Good. The deed is done.
AVGN: Not bad.
Gene: I’ve seen better… 
NC: (watching Trolls World Tour on his phone, when AVGN taps him on the shoulder) AH! WHO TOUCHED ME?
Nicholas: Mao Mao is in!
NC: So that’s what I was woken up for. Some useless contestant.
Mao Mao: I heard that! See you guys next time, when I cut an even bigger watermelon in half. (leaves)
Nicholas: Interesting talent there. Up next is the second secret contestant. Roll the clip!
(Flashback)
???: Those suckers have no clue what I have cooking up my sleeve.
??? 2: Like, I know I shouldn’t judge, but like, this thingy you’re working on sounds crazy.
???: Relax, it will be a-okay. My high-IQ patent pending invention will make everyone’s minds explode… metaphorically, of course.
??? 3: Sounds like a real toot! (farts)
???: Ugh. Get your corny jokes out of my backstage!
??? 4: This isn’t even your backstage.
???: Oh yeah. Everyone, just leave, please.
(End of flashback)
Nicholas: Who do you think it is? Folks at home, put your guesses in!
AVGN: I think it’s Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory.
Gene: I think it’s Jimmy Neutron.
Ramsey: Are you guys imbeciles? It’s Lisa Loud. She even showed up in the first episode!
Nicholas: And the secret contestant is…
DUDUDUDDUududdu
Lisa Loud! What a surprise…
Lisa Loud: Heheh, oops. My apologies, comrades. Anyways, I’ve prepared my latest invention right he- (she sees that her gizmo has disappeared) Who took my gizmo?!
Doof: Mwuhahahahahaha! It is I, Heinz Doofenschmirtz, who has stolen your gizmo! And I shall use it to rule the world! Hey, how does this thing even work?
Lisa Loud: (grinning) Press the big red button.
Doof: Ok, thanks. (presses button and gets ejected into the sky) CURSE YOU LISA LOOOUUUUUDDDDD!
Lisa Loud: Another job well done.
(Applause, including Perry the Platypus sitting amongst the audience)
Nicholas: Any buzzers? No? Okay, then. Lisa Loud is in! Now is time for the final secret contestant, and with that said, also the last new contestant on this season of SBFW’s Got Talent. Roll the fricking clip!
(Flashback)
???: Are you ready for your big show, [redacted]?
???: I sure am! Go, Annie!
Annie: I’m not the one performing. You are.
???: What?! This is a scam!
Annie: Sorry, [redacted], you’re up in the next one.
???: The show must go on, then.
(End of flashback)
AVGN: Who’s Annie?
Nicholas: That’s up for you guys to find out.
Ramsey: I’ve never heard those voices before. Must be some new show I’ve never heard of.
NC: For a TV personality, you sure don’t seem to know too much about TV.
Ramsey: Hey! I know a lot. Like Kim Kardashian is 5’3.
NC: Who would even bother to remember that?
Ramsey: Who wouldn’t?
Nicholas: All your guys’ guesses in? Well, the final contestant is…
DUDUDUDudUD
Even more DUDUDUDUUDUDUDDUDU for DUDUDUDUD effect
Pony from It’s Pony!
Pony: Howdy y’all! I’m Pony! Back from a three month hiatus!
Ramsey: Looks like I was right. Another show I’ve never heard of.
Pony: Annie told me she was gonna perform a magic trick on this show, but she lied! She lied! And now I’m here in front of all these people! Oh well. I gotta make up for this somehow. I’ve GOT TO MAKE IT UP TO HE- (accidentally stomps on Nicholas’ foot)
Nicholas: OW! (his scream echoes throughout the entire universe)
Jesus Sandal: (takes off his reading glasses) Huh?
Nicholas: (trying to get a word in) I- I- I- (falls to the ground)
Pony: Oops. Should’ve warned you I’ve had a reputation for stomping on people’s feet…
Nicholas: You’re… disqualified… 
Pony: Aw man. (walks offstage)
Nicholas Cage: While our buddy pal chum pal chum bud Nicholas here recovers from that insane injury, I’m gonna conclude this episode. See you next time when I’m not here!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:SBFW's Got Talent
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:2020s
Category:FireMatch