New Parties

New Parties is the fourth episode of season three, and the nineteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 26, 2020.
== Plot ==
New parties form after Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination and President Trump's approval rating plummets. Meanwhile, all the candidates are selecting their running mates.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the Bikini Bottom Jail. Mr. Timothy Pepperchicken is sitting in a cell.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: It is very inhumane to keep a straight Russian chicken like me locked up in a crowded prison cell, especially when there are gay Jewish roosters like Fancyson living in mansions!
[Suddenly, he is approached by a prison guard.] 
Prison Guard: Mr. Pepperchicken, you have a visitor.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Is it Vladimir Putin?! 
Prison Guard: No. It’s- 
Mr. Trump: Me. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: You?! Here to brag about foiling my plot and getting me arrested? 
Mr. Trump: No, I’m here to make a deal. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: And why should I make a deal with you?
Mr. Trump: Because I make the best deals, the greatest deals. I even wrote a book about it - The Art of the Deal. That’s why all the boaters love me so much, because I’m such a great deal-maker. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh yeah? And what is this great deal you wanna make?
Mr. Trump: I’m losing big in all the polls to Joe Biden. I need you to rig the election in favor of me again. In return, I’ll pardon you.
[Suddenly, Prison Warden Kamala Harris rushes to the scene.]
Mrs. Harris: Mr. President, don’t do this! We need prisoners to do forced labor for the state to survive this pandemic!
Mr. Trump: This pandemic of people not voting for me for some reason is tough, but I am sure pardoning Tim is the right choice. So, Tim, what do you say?
Mr. Pepperchicken: It’s a deal! 
Mr. Trump: Alright, let’s get it in writing. 
[Mr. Pence, who is also present, whispers something in Mr. Trump’s ear.] 
Mr. Trump: I have been informed that this is something I can not do, as it would constitute quid pro quo. So we’re just going to have to keep this under wraps. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Fine with me. 
Mr. Trump: Great! Timothy Pepperchicken, I hereby declare you pardoned!
[The prison guard releases Mr. Pepperchicken from his cell.] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’M FREE! Since I couldn’t beat you in the primary, I’ll just have to beat you in the general instead! I’ll launch a third party bid! 
Mr. Trump: Hey! No fair! What about my deal?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: It wasn’t in writing! 
Mr. Trump: You know, a boater would’ve never betrayed me like this. 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom, where Mr. Pineapple is in detention.] 
Mr. R’Onion: Can you believe that pro-murder Joe Biden won the nomination?! 
Mr. Pineapple: I know! He said he supports unconditional military aid to Israel, a state that deliberately murders civilians! 
Mr. R’Onion: Even worse than that, he opposes a ban on cutting down trees! How could this evil, evil man possibly have won the nomination? 
Mr. Pineapple: I’ll tell you how! It’s all that Bernie’s fault! He split the progressive vote! He fooled all those people into thinking he’s a left-winger, when in reality he’s a fraud! Just look at him happily endorsing that war criminal Joe Biden! Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was paid by Biden to get in the race to prevent a TRUE progressive from winning! 
Mr. R’Onion: Absolutely disgusting. Welp, it looks like this election is gonna be between two tree murderers. 
Mr. Pineapple: Unless… 
Mr. R’Onion: Unless what?
Mr. Pineapple: Unless we form our own party, and launch a third party bid! That way voters will have a TRUE progressive option to choose from in November! 
Mr. R’Onion: Great idea, Travis! For such an excellent idea, I’ll let you out of detention early! 
[Cut to BBTV Studios.] 
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Democratic primary candidates Travis Pineapple and Jim R’Onion have dropped out, but they will remain in the presidential race, uniting under a third party ticket. Also, shortly after being pardoned by President Trump, former Republican primary candidate and convicted felon Timothy Pepperchicken has announced a third-party election bid as well. Trump must seriously be regretting his pardon now. 
[Cut to the White House.] 
Mr. Pence: Well boss, with Mr. Pepperchicken launching a third party bid, it looks like you no longer have a lock on the homophobe vote. 
Mr. Trump: Well, at least we still have a lock on the war criminal vote.
Mr. Pence: Actually, Biden is the one winning the war criminal vote. 
Mr. Trump: WHAT 
Mr. Pence: Yep, he got prominent war criminal Kelpy G to endorse him. 
Mr. Trump: Well, at least we still have a lock on the boater vote.
Mr. Pence: Just to be clear, I’ll be VP on this year’s Republican ticket, right?
Mr. Trump: Hmm… [unzips pants]
[Cut to Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [dialing a number on his cellphone]
Mr. Putin: Hello?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Vladimir Putin! 
Mr. Putin: Timothy Pepperchicken? I thought you got arrested! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I did! But I got Trump to pardon me!
Mr. Putin: What?! Even after trying to rig the primary against him? How?
Mr. Pepperchicken: By being straight! 
Mr. Putin: Really?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well actually I made a deal with him that I’d rig the general for him if he pardoned me. 
Mr. Putin: But Mr. Pepperchicken, Trump is a complete sell-out to the gay lobby! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t worry! It isn’t in writing! I’ve decided to run a third-party bid against him instead! 
Mr. Putin: Great idea! Who’s gonna be your running mate?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Actually, that’s exactly why I was calling you! 
Mr. Putin: Huh?
Mr. Pepperchicken: You should be my running mate! 
Mr. Putin: Be President of Shell City and Vice President of Bikini Bottom at the same time? I don’t know, Tim, that sounds like a pretty heavy workload…
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh come on! VP is mostly a figurehead role anyway! And our ultimate goal is to annex Bikini Bottom into Shell City!
Mr. Putin: I see. But wait, don’t I have to be born in Bikini Bottom? Don’t you?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Technically, yes, but nobody bothered to call out that during my primary campaign.
Mr. Putin: What should we call our party?
Mr. Pepperchicken: The Straight Party, because on the homosexual question, we do NOT compromise.
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: So for our foreign policy platform, we’ll have it so we negotiate a new treaty with other nations stating that it is okay to target Bikini Bottom civilians, but all attacking of plants is prohibited in war. 
Mr. Pineapple: Great! I’ll write it down! [takes out a piece of paper and a pencil]
Mr. R’Onion: STOP! YOU CAN’T USE THOSE!
Mr. Pineapple: Why not?
Mr. R’Onion: Because! They violate the treaty! They’re made with the skin and bones of trees!
Mr. Pineapple: So how are we supposed to write it down? 
Mr. R’Onion: We’ll use technology. [takes out a phone]
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana crashes through a window.]
Mr. Banana: Technology is the enemy of the people! [grabs Mr. R’Onion’s phone, smashing it with a hammer]
Mr. R’Onion: [blinks]
Mr. Banana: WOOHOO! [jumps back outside]
Police Officer: [off-screen] Hey, there he is! 
Mr. Banana: HOLY GUACAMOLE! [runs away]
Mr. Pineapple: So what are we gonna do now? 
Mr. R’Onion: We’ll just have to use our heads!
Mr. Pineapple: You want me to write the platform down on our foreheads? I don’t think there’s enough room.
Mr. R’Onion: No! I meant let’s just memorize it!
Mr. Pineapple: I can’t just memorize it! I always forget things! 
Mr. R’Onion: Well, that’s just a habit you’ll have to learn to break. You know, your habits continue with you throughout your lifetime. They don’t just go away because you get older. 
Mr. Pineapple: Whatever. Let’s just go announce our ticket to the press. What should our party name be?
Mr. R’Onion: The Green Party, obviously, as we fight for plants, and only plants.
Mr. Pineapple: WAIT A MINUTE! 
Mr. R’Onion: What?
Mr. Pineapple: Who’s gonna be on the top of the ticket?
Mr. R’Onion: Why, me of course! 
Mr. Pineapple: What?! It should be me! I’m the one who came up with the idea! 
Mr. R’Onion: Ah, but I’m the one that mentored you. So really, when you think about it, it was my idea.
Mr. Pineapple: Well, think about it like this. Pineapple/R’Onion. Wouldn’t you agree that the fruit should go first?
Mr. Banana: [crashes through another window] The fruit should first go inside me!
[Cut to Bikini Bottom High School.]
Mr. Renaud: Hmm...who should I pick as VP?
Libertarian Delegate: I suggest you appeal to the Karen Plankton faction. Your ‘abolition, not reform’ rhetoric has alienated many Libertarians, you should bring them back!
Mr. Renaud: Nope. I won this nomination by calling out the LINOs, why would I ever pick one of them as my VP? Libertarians—and I’m talking about the real Libertarians—are tired of those sellouts! Every day, I am at risk of getting arrested, and Trump is probably not going to pardon me now that I’m running against him, and when that happens, whatever LINO you want me to pick will reverse all my progress!
Libertarian Delegate: But—
Mr. Renaud: No buts! Abolition, not reform! I’m deciding between Mr. Sullivan, the second-biggest sexual degenerate in Bikini Bottom, after yours truly, and Ms. Cactus, my British counterpart.
Libertarian Delegate: Someone who lives in Britain isn’t constitutionally eligible to run.
Mr. Renaud: Then Ms. Cactus it is! Our Constitution places too many restrictions, such as allowing for the creation of agencies that arrest people just for shooting child porn! It should be abolished!
[Cut to the Biden residence.]
Mr. Biden: Hmm...who should I pick as VP? I need someone who’s consistent, always fighting for the little guy! I got it! Bernie Sanders!
Mr. Banana: Are you crazy?! He’s a communist!
Mr. Biden: Oh, quit it with those stupid right-wing talking points. Only in Bikini Bottom is someone who wants the basic human right of healthcare considered a communist.
Mr. Banana: After all I did for you, you’re selling out to Stalin’s son. What a shame.
Mr. Biden: What’s your problem? Why don’t you want to fight for the 99%?
Mr. Banana: You’re betraying the moderate coalition that got you the nomination!
Mr. Biden: Moderate coalition? You mean all those pedophiles and war criminals?
Mr. Banana: Are you even a real person?
[Suddenly, Mrs. Harris knocks on the door.]
Mrs. Harris: Joe! Give me back those torture instruments! I need them for my prisoners!
Mr. Biden: Who’s that?
Mr. Banana: That’s Kamala Harris, Warden of the Bikini Bottom Jail.
Mrs. Harris: I’m a Senator from California too, but that’s just a side hustle, my main job, and my passion, is to rule over prisoners with an iron fist!
Mr. Biden: No! I don’t want to give her back those torture instruments! I need them whenever Paul, Donald, and I slide our cocks into some innocent young fish!
Mr. Banana: Too bad—[an idea pops up in his head] Hey, why don’t you offer her VP, in exchange for keeping them?	
Mr. Biden: Great idea! [shouts] Hey, Kamala, if you let me keep these torture instruments, you’ll be my President!
Mrs. Harris: You mean Vice President—[pauses] Deal!
Mr. Biden: The Harris-Biden ticket shall win this race!
Mrs. Harris: Absolutely! This is an important step in becoming the Warden of the World! No longer will I have to deal with people taking my prisoners! [evilly laughs]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.] 
Mr. Perkins: We’ve got some breaking news in the presidential race. Two new parties, the Straight Party and the Green Party, have been formed! Also, Joe Biden and Paul Renaud have selected their Vice Presidential nominees!
Mrs. Plankton: Hopefully Renaud picked someone who’s moderate.
Mr. Perkins: Well, actually, we’re going to interview her right now!
[Vanessa Cactus, Renaud’s VP pick, appears on Karen Plankton’s screen.]
Mr. Perkins: Greetings, Vanessa! How does it feel being a Vice Presidential nominee?
Ms. Cactus: Well, I’m honored to play a role in the Libertarian revolution. While everyone else is busy focusing on trivial issues, like education and jobs, Paul and I will fight the real problem, the tyrannical “child protection” agencies. This election will define the soul of Bikini Bottom, and I am confident we will win.
[The episode ends.]
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