Headhunters 5: The Hawaii Five-O

==Introduction==
Glorio fires a warning shot over the Horsemen's Bow but falls short of chopping his head, instead opting to take out the seemingly unkillable Müller Lite. 
==In Memoriam: Müller Lite==
He may have two dots over his U, but Müller also seemed to have nine lives. This week we say goodbye to the man whose name still makes no sense to me and no I will not Google it. 
I said last week that Lite would live or die by Justin Herbert, and this week he made like Justin Herbert Hoover because he was heading the roster when Great Depression set in. But like Obama with the banks, Michael Pittman came to the table with a bail out plan. Michael "Jackson" Pittman moonwalked his way into the endzone and played with those kids all day long. But DK Metcalf had already put Headless Horsemen far ahead, and it was going to take more than the horseshoe on Pittman's helmet to give Müller Lite the Müller Luck he needed to survive. 
And yet, on MNF, it really came down to the final drive. Ja'Marr Chase was a late swap, with Lite hoping for a little pop in the final hour and the pop was anything but little. Nearly breaking 40 points, Chase had Headless wiping his brow all night long as Lawrence and Kirk both went down, leaving only Calvin to RIDtheLEYgue of Lite. But before going down, Trevor Lawrence of Arabia had trekked all the way across the desert to the endzone and had put up enough points to cushion the onslaught that followed. 
Müller really had team of destiny vibes. They had done a great job of saving money, while also continuing to bolster the roster. They had some real talent, but got screwed with a Herbert/Allen stack that had no incentive to move the ball against what has to be a bottom-10 offense of all time, right? Just checked. The 0-16 Lions averaged 16.75 points a game. The Patriots are averaging 12.33. So there you go. And it is ironic that as a Jets fan, the main reason why Müller was eliminated this week was because the Patriots are finally so bad that one of the highest powered passing attacks was able to win with 6 points. 
In any case, this isn't goodbye, this is just see you later. 
Müller Lite:
==Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)==
Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)
Team 	2023 Finish	2022 Finish	2021 Finish	2020 Finish	2019 Finish
Hasta Laviska Baby 	18th (-17) 	1st (+16) 	17th (-7) 	10th (+2) 	12th
Out of Luck 	17th (-13) 	4th (+-0) 	4th (+1) 	5th (+9) 	14th
Bobecue Chicken 	16th (-1) 	15th (-12) 	3rd (+14) 	17th (-10) 	7th
Jethro's Glorious Team 	15th (+1) 	N/A 	16th (-7) 	9th (+7) 	16th
Al Snow's Fav Squad 	14th (+-0) 	14th (+2) 	19th (-6) 	3rd (-2) 	1st
The Guilloteam 	13th (-2) 	11th (+2) 	13th (-6) 	7th (-4) 	3rd
deCaPitated 	12th (-9) 	3rd (+11) 	14th (-8) 	6th (-4) 	2nd
What Hurts Moore? 	11th (+6) 	16th (-6) 	11th (-9) 	2nd 	N/A
Extra Tight Ends 	10th (+2) 	12th (-2) 	10th (+6) 	16th (-11) 	5th
RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh	9th (-7) 	2nd (+7) 	9th (+6) 	15th (-9) 	6th
Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	8th (+-0) 	8th (-3) 	5th (-1) 	4th (+11) 	15th
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	7th 	N/A 	N/A 	N/A 	N/A
Müller Lite 	6th (+4) 	10th (-8) 	2nd 	N/A 	N/A
==Dead Money==
Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.
Dead Money 2023
Dead Money	% of Total Eliminated Cash
$5,165 	40%
This one hurts. Müller had $233 left. 
==Top New Releases==
#Keenan Allen (again)
#Ja'Marr Chase (again)
#Amon-Ra St. Brown (again)
#Michael Pittman Jr.
#Rachaad White
==Week Thirteen Bidding Results==
Week Thirteen Bidding Results
Player 	Winning Team 	Winning Bid	Next Highest Bid
Amon-Ra St. Brown 	Müller Lite 	$76 	$41 (Henry VIII)
Keenan Allen 	Müller Lite 	$75 	$41 (Henry VIII)
Tua Tagovailoa 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack	$53 	$41 (Henry VIII)
Jahmyr Gibbs 	Henry VIII 	$35 	$35/Waiver Priority (Müller Lite)
Ja'Marr Chase 	Müller Lite 	$35 	$31 (Henry VIII)
Rhamondre Stevenson	Henry VIII 	$20 	$9 (Müller Lite)
Saquon Barkley 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	$16 	N/A
Russell Wilson 	Henry VIII 	$11 	N/A
Joe Mixon 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	$3 	$2 (Headless Horsemen)
Zack Moss 	Headless Horsemen 	$2 	N/A
Tank Dell 	Headless Horsemen 	$1 	N/A
Brian Robinson 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack	$1 	N/A
===Quick-Hit Thoughts===
*Last Year's Most Expensive Player: Dak Prescott- $55 (Out of Luck...wait, do we do this every year with Dak where we're like "this is his best season yet" and then he eventually bombs?)
*Biggest Overpay: Amon-Ra St. Brown ($35 over next highest bid - Müller Lite)
*Narrowest Margin of Bid Victory: Jahmyr Gibbs (Waiver Priority - Henry VIII)
*Müller and Henry flaunting their cash: one or both of them were involved in the bidding wars for each of the top six players won. 
*Nice under the radar pickup of Barkley by Obi-Wan. 
*Tank Dell becomes one of many deaths to come if Headless Horsemen does not devote himself to the one true Fantasy Gawd. 
*So the story with Stevenson is that KVR wanted an auction with a $20 minimum. I put in the $20 minimum bid to set the floor, but didn't let anybody involved know I was doing this. So when I won the fucking guy, I felt like the only right thing to do was keep his ass instead of trying to go back to KVR and say actually this wasn't a real bid. So whatever, it doesn't matter, because now he has no ankles and I'm out 20 bucks. 
==Excessive Spend==
Excessive spend is anything over a single dollar more than the next highest bid for the player you won, and does not take into account the talent level or value of the player.
Excessive Spend
Team 	Excessive Spend
Never Done This Before	$414
Headless Horsemen 	$352
Henry VIII 	$306
What Hurts Moore? 	$284
RIP Diggs my RIP 	$275
Müller Lite 	$281
deCaPitated 	$274
Obi-Wan Mahomie 	$262
Monty's Python 	$249
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	$168
Bad Boys II 	$148
Jethro's Glorious Team	$146
Bobecue Chicken 	$138
The Guilloteam 	$107
Extra Tight Ends 	$43
Al Snows Fav Squad 	$2
KVR has only just now passed Bobecue Chicken in wasted spend, who was eliminated in week 3. 
== Money Spent Per Week==
Money Spent Per Week
Week	Budget Spent 	Budget Spent (2022)	Budget Spent (2021)	Budget Spent (2020)	Budget Spent (2019)
2 	$2,315 (16 Players)	$1,560 (15 Players)	$9 (2 Players) 	$1,173 (12 Players)	$1,339 (7 Players)
3 	$1,423 (15 Players)	$1,160 (10 Players)	$1,283 (10 Players)	$1,033 (7 Players) 	$1,902 (15 Players)
4 	$1,256 (14 Players)	$1,475 (10 Players)	$657 (8 Players) 	$1,182 (11 Players)	$1,614 (11 Players)
5 	$1,612 (16 Players)	$1,740 (13 Players)	$1,376 (11 Players)	$181 (4 Players) 	$1,743 (14 Players)
6 	$1,203 (13 Players)	$1,355 (14 Players)	$1,231 (10 Players)	$1,542 (10 Players)	$1,018 (11 Players)
7 	$1,040 (16 Players)	$45 (6 Players) 	$965 (10 Players) 	$1,494 (13 Players)	$1,036 (9 Players)
8 	$1,244 (16 Players)	$1,085 (13 Players)	$2,159 (15 Players)	$1,938 (17 Players)	$630 (7 Players)
9 	$675 (11 Players) 	$552 (9 Players) 	$1,059 (12 Players)	$1,454 (12 Players)	$624 (6 Players)
10 	$599 (11 Players) 	$424 (14 Players) 	$1,393 (9 Players) 	$712 (6 Players) 	$386 (8 Players)
11 	$341 (11 Players) 	$48 (2 Players) 	$1,121 (16 Players)	$777 (8 Players) 	$176 (6 Players)
12 	$260 (11 Players) 	$273 (7 Players) 	$643 (7 Players) 	$385 (5 Players) 	$93 (6 Players)
13 	$328 (12 Players) 	$234 (8 Players) 	$364 (10 Players) 	$277 (6 Players) 	$13 (3 Players)
Where is all this money coming from? 
==Week Thirteen Results==
Week ThirteenResults
Finish (Last Week)	Player 	Total Points
1 (4) 	Henry VIII (Commish) 	305.71
2 (2) 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack (KVR) 	279.05
3 (1) 	Obi-Wan Mahomie (Wolfe) 	236.07
4 (5) 	Monty's Python (Derek) 	206.44
5 (3) 	Headless Horsemen 	202.02
6 (6) 	Müller Lite (Roger) 	193.53
7 	Jeff Probst' Tribe (Joe Cola) 	0
8 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	0
9 	RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh (Nate)	0
10 	Extra Tight Ends (Keeling) 	0
11 	What Hurts Moore? (Coach Tebo) 	0
12 	deCaPitated (Chris) 	0
13 	The Guilloteam (Pat) 	0
14 	Al Snows Fav Squad (Zach) 	0
15 	Jethro's Glorious Team (Jethro) 	0
16 	Bobecue Chicken (Bob) 	0
17 	Out of Luck (Papa) 	0
18 	Hasta Laviska Baby (Jared) 	0
*Biggest Climber: Henry VIII (^3)
*Biggest Faller: Obi-Wan/Headless (v2)
==Draft Dodgers==
Team Results Based on Draft Position
Draft Pick	Team 	Week Eliminated
1 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	ALIVE
2 	Extra Tight Ends 	9
3 	The Guilloteam 	6
4 	What Hurts Moore? 	8
5 	Al Snows Fav Squad 	5
6 	Henry VIII 	ALIVE
7 	Müller Lite 	13
8 	Never Done This Before 	ALIVE
9 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack 	ALIVE
10 	Jethro's Glorious Team 	4
11 	Monty's Python 	ALIVE
12 	Bobecue Chicken 	3
13 	Out of Luck 	2
14 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	1
15 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	11
16 	Jeff Probst' Tribe 	12
17 	Tee Diggs my Chubb for sure-oh	10
18 	deCaPitated 	7
==Kings of the Castle ==
===1. Henry VIII===
The first team to ever go from "definitely dead" to top-10 score of all time. When Rhamondre StevenDONE went down early and Jahmyr couldn't Gibb a shit about scoring, it looked like game over for Commish. But the Brock/Deebo connection brought in 109 points, and Russell Wilson proved to be a serviceable replacement for Lamar Jackson. With Puka on the bench breaking 30, it is a sign that the final weeks comes down to making the right decision between a bunch of dudes with similar projections. 
===2. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack===
Hot Streak Hill continues to forge forward towards the single-season yardage record, while Alvin Kamara beats the competition worse than that dude's face at the night club in Vegas. LaPorta found la porta to the endzone yet again and is one of the biggest fantasy surprises of the season, while Cooper Kupp is not living up to his reputation except for the part of his reputation where he is hurt all the time. 
=== 3. Obi-Wan Mahomie===
This would have looked a lot better if they had gone with Joe Mixon over Jaylen Warren, and they still managed top-3 with no Hockenson, Barkley, Diggs, Fields, and Jacobs. The biggest question this week might be if it is time to part ways with Mahomes in the starting spot, a decision that seems logical after a lackluster season but the moment you do it and you're wrong you are the guy who got chopped because you bencehd Mahomes. Plus it's his namesake. Obi-Wan Staffomie? 
==On the Chopping Block==
=== 5. Headless Horsemen===
Glorio isn't real...sure. Down goes Tank Dell. Down goes Aaron Jones. Down goes Trevor Lawrence. Down goes Christian Kirk. Believe what you want. As for me? Praise be to the mighty Glorio, exalted ruler of worlds. Horsemen almost got chopped in the worst way possible, in prime time on MNF like that time Nate went to bed early and Kenyan Drake murdered him in cold blood. But I promise you, the great Fantasy Gawd has a plan...unless Horsemen were to repent...
===4. Monty's Python===
Still here. Been middle of the pack lately, but it's all good baby. Just cruising along, still #1 in the season totals. Benched a cool 47 from Nico Collins but it's fine. Got enough from everybody else, gets Jefferson back this week, has a strong defense that usually does better than 9 points. They have some funds left. It's all gravy for the python. 
==Average Scores of Eliminated Teams==
Average Scores of Eliminated Teams
Team 	Average Score	Weeks Played
Extra Tight Ends 	199.70 	9
Müller Lite 	196.37 	13
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	192.88 	12
Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	182.98 	11
Al Snow's Fav Squad 	181.30 	5
What Hurts Moore? 	177.12 	8
RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh	175.55 	10
DeCaPitated 	172.53 	7
The Guilloteam 	169.07 	6
Jethro's Glorious Team 	163.20 	4
Out of Luck 	160.68 	2
Bobecue Chicken 	140.44 	3
Hasta Laviska Baby 	97.49 	1
==Narrow Defeats==
Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:
Margin of Defeat for Eliminated Teams
Team 	Margin of Defeat	Week Eliminated
Hasta Laviska Baby 	1.21 	1
Jethro's Glorious Team 	4.13 	4
Müller Lite 	8.49 	13
The Guilloteam 	10.69 	6
What Hurts Moore? 	12.08 	8
Out of Luck 	14.67 	2
Extra Tight Ends 	15.02 	9
Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	18.85 	11
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	19.91 	12
Bobecue Chicken 	21.19 	3
RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh	33.01 	10
deCaPitated 	45.13 	7
Al Snow's Fav Squad 	50.59 	5
This snuck up on us. The third-closest elimination of the year. 
==Unique Players Started==
How many unique players (Defense included) were started by each team. The table can be sorted by players and also by week eliminated.
Unique Players Started
Team 	Players Started	Week Eliminated
Müller Lite 	41 	13
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	30 	12
RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh	27 	10
Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	26 	11
The Guilloteam 	25 	6
What Hurts Moore? 	21 	8
deCaPitated 	21 	7
Extra Tight Ends 	18 	9
Bobecue Chicken 	16 	3
Al Snow's Fav Squad 	15 	5
Jethro's Glorious Team 	12 	4
Out of Luck 	11 	2
Hasta Laviska Baby 	9 	1
 Holy smokes. 41 starters, including 8 unique defenses. 
==Rulers of the Kingdom==
2023 first place finishers:
Top Scorers by Week
Week	Team 	Score
1 	Monty's Python 	228.65
2 	Extra Tight Ends 	227.45
3 	Headless Horsemen 	266.15
4 	Monty's Python (2) 	260.79
5 	Extra Tight Ends (2) 	264.57
6 	Müller Lite 	208.67
7 	Extra Tight Ends (3) 	250.96
8 	Bad Boys II 	286.71
9 	Monty's Python (3) 	267.95
10 	Jeff Probst' Tribe 	259.66
11 	Jeff Probst' Tribe (2)	240.36
12 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	288.81
13 	Henry VIII 	305.71
The first 300-pt performance of 2023 and the first since week 15 of last year. 
==Dungeon Dwellers==
2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:
Low Scorers by Week
Week	Team 	Score
1 	Extra Tight Ends 	98.70
2 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	150.50
3 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack 	124.83
4 	deCaPitated 	130.88
5 	Tee Diggs my RIP for sure-oh 	138.70
6 	Tee Diggs my RIP for sure-oh (2)	153.44
7 	Monty's Python 	154.43
8 	Tee Diggs my RIP for sure-oh (3)	170.50
9 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die (2) 	138.06
10 	Henry VIII 	196.62
11 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	165.44
12 	Müller Lite 	183.94
13 	Headless Horsemen 	202.02
The first 200pt dungeon dweller of the year. Last season, every dungeorn dweller broke 200 from weeks 12-16. 
==Single Season Scoring Records==
As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season.
All-Time Single Season HH Point Records
Score 	Player 	Year
3,697.30	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2022
3,581.72	Beach McBungalow (Tee Diggs my Chubb)	2022
3428.76 	CP 	2019
3402.18 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2019
3363.88 	CP (deCaPitated) 	2022
3121.28 	Return of the Mac 	2021
3049.02 	Bobecue Chicken 	2021
3015.53 	Mixon Beer 	2020
3013.13 	Müller Lite 	2021
2997.67 	The Guilloteam 	2019
2980.07 	Last Coach Standing 	2020
2833.37 	Out of Luck 	2022
2743.25 	@FFDraftScott 	2020
2733.07 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2020
2709.59 	Mac 	2019
2677.20 	Out of Luck 	2021
2675.14 	Wildcat (no QBs no problem) 	2022
2620.18 	The Titanic 	2021
2614.60 	burrow for sure-oh 	2022
2552.81 	Müller Lite 	2023
2438.96 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack 	2022
2422.98 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2019
2377.31 	The Guilloteam 	2020
2314.56 	Jeff Probst' Tribe 	2023
2285.51 	CP 	2020
2282.91 	Out of Luck 	2020
2262.36 	Bad Boys 	2021
2233.57 	Soul Survivor (burrow for sure-oh) 	2021
2134.22 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2021
2046.35 	LIVEWithIt 	2019
2034.86 	Laser Rocket Arms 	2022
2012.82 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	2023
1941.63 	Bobecue Chicken 	2019
1939.02 	Beach McBungalow 	2021
1936.45 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2021
1862.19 	Henry VIII 	2022
1817.79 	Carole Pigskin 	2020
1797.24 	Extra Tight Ends 	2023
1755.51 	RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh 	2023
1749.51 	The Guilloteam 	2021
1736.99 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2019
1611.76 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2020
1512.91 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2020
1509.41 	CP 	2021
1483.70 	Last Coach Standing 	2021
1473.18 	Henry VIII 	2021
1439.40 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2020
1416.99 	What Hurts Moore? 	2023
1357.00 	Henry VIII 	2019
1351.99 	Muller Lite 	2022
1300.35 	The Guilloteam 	2022
1238.56 	Bluedevils 	2019
1207.69 	deCaPitated 	2023
1182.09 	Mixon Beer with Liquor 	2021
1160.81 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2021
1132.61 	Henry VIII 	2020
1116.98 	Shotti's Bugatti 	2020
1055.63 	Mac 	2020
1049.89 	LIVEWithIt 	2020
1014.40 	The Guilloteam 	2023
991.57 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2021
975.59 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2019
906.48 	Al Snows Fav Squad 	2023
806.27 	Mixon It Up With Mahomie 	2022
768.10 	Shotti's Bugatti 	2021
717.82 	Out of Luck 	2019
713.12 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2020
708.44 	The Executioner 	2022
652.79 	Jethro's Glorious Team 	2023
544.55 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2021
489.42 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2022
481.22 	@FFDraftScott 	2019
459.96 	Bobecue Chicken 	2020
421.33 	Bobecue Chicken 	2023
324.28 	Bobecue Chicken 	2022
321.35 	Out of Luck 	2023
294.62 	Steve Blackman's Nun 	2021
286.36 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2019
262.69 	Bad Boys 	2020
123.21 	CoachKnows 	2022
115.16 	Mixon Beer 	2019
97.49 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2023
96.56 	Steve Blackman's Nun 	2020
==All-Time Combined Points Scored==
Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023.
Not a bad first three seasons for the Baconator. 
All-Time Combined Points Records
Score 	Player 	Years Played	Per Season Avg.
11,795.25	deCaPitated 	5 	2,359.05
10,382.49	Tee Diggs my Chubb 	5 	2,076.50
9892.33 	Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	5 	1,978.47
9439.24 	The Guilloteam 	5 	1,887.85
8832.65 	Out of Luck 	5 	1766.53
8075.70 	Al Snows Fav Squad 	5 	1,615.14
7873.83 	Extra Tight Ends 	5 	1,574.77
7594.94 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	4 	
7201.35 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	5 	1440.27
6987.92 	Monty's Python 	4 	
6917.93 	Müller Lite 	3 	2305.98
6665.96 	burrow for sure-oh (defunct) 	3 	2221.98
6439.42 	Bad Boys 	4 	
6196.22 	Bobecue Chicken 	5 	1,239.24
6,003.97 	What Hurts Moore? 	4 	1,500.99
5824.98 	Henry VIII 	4 	
5186.35 	Neck-Fix and Chill (defunct) 	3 	1728.78
3711.72 	Jethro's Glorious Team 	4 	927.93
2314.56 	Jeff Probst' Tribe 	1 	2314.56
1885.08 	Shotti's Bugatti (defunct) 	2 	942.54
1238.56 	Bluedevils (defunct) 	1 	1238.56
698.91 	Phillip's Team (defunct) 	1 	698.91
391.19 	Steve Blackman's Nun (defunct)	2 	195.60
==Remaining Budget==
Remaining Budget as of 12/05/23
Player 	Total Budget
Henry VIII 	$239
Monty's Python 	$161
Obi-Wan Mahomie 	$87
Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack	$63
Headless Horsemen 	$8
Müller Lite 	0
Jeff Probst' Tribe 	0
Billy Jeans Ride or Die 	0
RIP Diggs my RIP for sure-oh	0
Extra Tight Ends 	0
What Hurts Moore? 	0
deCaPitated 	0
The Guilloteam 	0
Al Snows Fav Squad 	0
Jethro's Glorious Team 	0
Bobecue Chicken 	0
Out of Luck 	0
Hasta Laviska Baby 	0
==Conclusion==
Happy Hunting!