The Big Kelp Race

The Big Kelp Race is the ninth episode of season five, and the fifty-first episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 7, 2021.
==Synopsis==
Mr. G runs for mayor of New Kelp City. 
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at the Oval Office.]
Mr. Biden: Jack, as my Secretary of Defense, I order you to—
Mr. G: Launch a crippling blockade?
Mr. Biden: No.
Mr. G: Announce the pardoning of war criminals?
Mr. Biden: No.
Mr. G: YOU WANT ME TO PLOT A MASSIVE INVASION OF EPIC PROPORTIONS—
Mr. Biden: Let me finish, Jack! I’m ordering you to go to Canada for a three-day international military seminar.
Mr. G: That’s so lame! What about the famines, the unaccountability, the WAR???
Mr. Biden: We can do that at a later date, this seminar is important.
Mr. G: Importantly lame.
Mr. Biden: Jack, did you really think that the sole purpose of the Secretary of Defense is to violate international law?
Mr. G: Yes…
Mr. Biden: Well, it’s mostly that, but not all.
Mr. G: I’d be less pissed off if WE ACTUALLY VIOLATED INTERNATIONAL LAW! We’re a month into your administration, and you have ordered NOT ONE war crime!
Mr. Biden: I’m just settling in!
Mr. G: Excuses. I’ve had it. I’m going on vacation so I can run in the New Kelp City mayoral election, and when I win, expect a full resignation!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Kelpy G has announced his candidacy for New Kelp City Mayor, pitting him against Republican Donald Trump Jr.
[Cut to a Trump Jr rally.]
Mr. Lobster: WOOHOO! OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP IS RUNNING FOR OFFICE ONCE AGAIN! HE WILL USE THIS OFFICE AS LEVERAGE TO TAKE BACK THE STOLEN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION—
Mr. Trump Jr: Well, I’m not the one true president himself, I’m his firstborn son.
Mr. Lobster: WHAT
Mr. Trump Jr: I can assure you I support the efforts of my father to stop the steal, and I love it when liberals get triggered—
Mr. Lobster: Actually, I’m his firstborn son. The cabal switched us at birth because they know you’ll tarnish his great name! He was reluctant to name you after him as he suspected you might turn out to be a loser, and he was right!
[Mr. Lobster and the rest of the crowd walk away.]
Mr. Trump Jr: HEY! DON’T LEAVE! I am [voice cracks] my father’s son! You’re all just triggered!
[Cut to BBTV Studios the next day.]
Mr. Perkins: With Trump Jr polling at less than 1%, G is widely expected to win this race, though this may change with the debate starting right now!
[Cut to the debate stage.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Greetings. I’ll be hosting the only New Kelp City mayoral debate. Please welcome the Democratic nominee, Kelpy G, the incumbent Secretary of Defense.
[The crowd cheers as Mr. G enters the stage.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: And the Republican nominee, Donald Trump Jr, the son of former President Donald Trump.
[The crowd boos as Mr. Trump Jr enters the stage.]
Mr. Trump Jr: Ooh, someone’s triggered!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright. The first question is directed towards Secretary G. Why are you running for Mayor? You became Secretary of Defense just one month ago!
Mr. G: Let’s just put it this way, I want robustness and efficiency. In my month as Secretary of Defense, all President Biden has ordered me to do is to attend an international military seminar! Talk about lame!
[The crowd boos at Mr. Biden’s order.]
Mr. G: Unfortunately, it’s impossible to change this system, as Cabinet secretaries are mere employees of the President. They could be fired through a tweet. The mayor, on the other hand, could control the city with an iron fist, and can’t be simply fired. I’m disappointed in our outgoing Mayor, Jim Q. Fish. Statistics show that last year, under his rule, only TEN unarmed starfish have been killed by police! TEN!
[The crowd angrily roars at the statistic.]
Mr. G: But if I’m elected Mayor, I will solve this injustice by imposing a quota on the number of unarmed starfish the police must kill each month!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Trump Jr, your response?
Mr. Trump Jr: Funny how Kelpy acts like he cares about New Kelp City. You ditched the city to become a musician, a paramilitary leader, and the Secretary of Defense! You just came crawling back because life got a little slow!
Mr. G: Ditch the city? When I was a musician, I caused a tourism spike by writing numerous hits about this city, and when I was a paramilitary leader, I provided jobs by enlisting poor teenagers at our high schools. What have you done?
Mr. Trump Jr: I’m co-chair of The Trump Organization, one of the city’s largest job providers.
Mr. G: For illegal immigrants.
Mr. Trump Jr: No—
Mr. G: Don’t think I’m oblivious to your family’s charade. You may think you’re champions of conservatism, but you’re not. Trump conservatism is over. If New Kelp City doesn’t return to Giuliani-Fancyson conservatism, we’re fucked.
Mr. Trump Jr: Hey, Giuliani’s working for me, just so you know!
Mr. G: I’m talking about Mayor Giuliani, not your father’s sex toy Giuliani.
Mr. Trump Jr: Well...he’s also my sex toy!
Mr. G: [smirks] Really?
Mr. Trump Jr: Well…
Mr. G: [rubs his chin] Really?
Mr. Trump Jr: Hey, Chillyrooster, give me a question!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Huh? Sorry, I was caught a little off-guard, because your father always called me “Chillycock”.
Mr. G: It’s just that he ain’t his father, he’s a grifter!
Mr. Trump Jr: The Lincoln Project loves you, don’t talk to us about grifters!
Mr. G: But they’re good grifters! You, on the other hand, can’t fool Larry Lobster!
Mr. Chillyrooster: The next question is directed towards Mr. Trump Jr. Reading levels among New Kelp City public school students are at an all-time low. How will you fix that?
Mr. Trump Jr: While I’m ultimately in favor of privatizing public schools, my solution here is to sell good books. Who needs “To Kill A Jellyfish”, when you can buy my latest New Kelp Times bestseller, “Triggered”!
Mr. G: It was a bestseller because the RNC spent $100,000 on copies of it!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Don’t interrupt!
Mr. Trump Jr: I believe that $100,000 is not enough. When I’m mayor, every student must buy a copy of “Triggered”! They will enjoy laughing at triggered liberals, and sales will go through the roof!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Secretary G, you can respond now.
Mr. G: “To Kill A Jellyfish” should not be on the reading curriculum. Neither should “Triggered”. Instead, each student should read “Mein Kampf” at least a dozen times during their years at school, and teachers should treat every word in there as a fact!
Mr. Chillyrooster: The next question will be on homelessness. Even before the Plague, New Kelp City had the highest homelessness rate in the country, and it’s only getting much worse now. How do you plan to solve this issue? Secretary G, you may go first.
Mr. G: I do sympathize with their plight—
Mr. Trump Jr: AHA! SOCIALIST! He wants to give everyone a mansion! Well guess what, buddy, only people like me get mansions! I don’t see anything wrong with homelessness. The Trump Organization throws out a lot of folks, and if they beg to stay, I tell them, “bitch, I don’t care if you have cancer, you’re not filling my pockets, so get the fuck out!”. That’s how you deal with the homeless.
Mr. Krabs: [in the audience] Perhaps this degenerate “Trump” isn’t so bad after all…
Mr. G: Mr. Trump Jr interrupted me! I was going to say that I sympathize with their plight, and they should be put out of their misery. And by “put out of their misery”, I mean kill them all, along with the starfish. Mr. Krabs, aren’t you annoyed when homeless folks approach the Krusty Krab? With me in charge, they will be a thing of the past! Mr. Trump Jr said he’ll make the problem worse, and that would make you more annoyed!
Mr. Krabs: Nevermind my previous remark, Kelpy For Mayor all the way!
Mr. Chillyrooster: The final question will be on reopening the city. What are your plans? Mr. Trump Jr, you may go first.
Mr. Trump Jr: Let’s just put it this way. I have a reopening plan. Kelpy, on the other hand, will “follow the science” like his boss! We’ll be on lockdown forever with him in charge!
Mr. G: Ha! If you think the Biden administration follows the science, you’re an even bigger damn fool than I thought!
Mr. Trump Jr: Nope.
Mr. G: Okay, at what point did our administration order a lockdown? The scientists say it’s necessary, but do we see folks stay in their homes instead of attending my massive rallies?
Mr. Trump Jr: Well, no, but—
Mr. G: Did we recommend wearing masks after a hundred days have passed? Our administration believes the Plague will not be a significant issue by then, while the scientists say it will continue to wreak havoc.
Mr. Trump Jr: I’m just trying to say that—
Mr. G: You are no match for Kelpy G!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: This concludes the only New Kelp City mayoral debate. Prepare to vote for one of these two, you’ll need it.
== Trivia ==
* This episode takes place before "White Phosphorous Summer".
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