Sprangler Courtship Book

This book was written by Lowgaz Sprangler. Knowledge of the contents of this book is not widely available; however, you may ask Kall for a copy of it. This book is available in-game with the addon Gryphonheart Items. Disclaimer: the views expressed in this book are fictional. They are also not sensible and/or rational.
Courtship Rituals of the Sprangler Clan
By Old Lowgaz Sprangler
== Intro - explain the book, and why needed ==
Greetings, noble reader! I, Lowgaz Sprangler, of the Sprangler Clan (Tanaris division), am writing an introduction to a most important book - in fact, the most important book ever written! This little tome, this manual, if you like, will pave the way for the future generations of Clan Sprangler, and their flourishing on the face of Azeroth, and possibly beyond!
If you are reading this, I imagine you are quite pleased with yourself - you are, after all, of the most noble, rich, powerful and influential families of any WORLD, let alone continent - either that, or you are nothing but a common thief, unable to read the clever and ingenious language barriers which allow only the most intelligent of the Master Race could possibly crack! I laugh at you, poor thief, since you are NOT a part of the Sprangler Clan, and can only survive by a book penned by the Great Lowgaz Sprangler!
This book is the most important book, I have said above, and the reason why - this book deals with the dually important matters of love and money, and the profitable combinations of both! However, there is also the current and up-to-date History of the Sprangler Clan contained in this volume, since I had pages left to fill. I am sure many great histories will be recorded long after I am gone from this world, but it behooves me to leave some evidence of our early schemes and plans, for comparison to the no-doubt great nation we shall create!
However, my lowly introduction can only have prepared you, and intrigued you, encouraged you further on into reading this book, and so without further ado, I present to you, the Courtship Rituals of the Sprangler Clan, by Lowgaz Sprangler!
These rituals shall be handed down, in the form of this lowly tome, until the end of all time, such is our achievement! As I write this book, my heart swells with pride! For who else, in all Gnome or Goblin history, could've forseen the need to write Courtship Rituals between the two races!
== Courtship Rituals ==
=== Step 1 - The Man ===
Of course, in all societies, The Man is the most important, brave, pragmatic and talented of the sexes, and as such, it is only right that any romantic liaison should be initiated by The Man. As such, Man of the Sprangler Clan (and not you, thief!), you must initiate your Courtship in the following way:
# Find a Woman.
# Ask if she will marry you.
## (If yes) Marry her.
## (If no) Find another Woman.
There are many more intricate pieces to the tale, but worry not, Man - following the above guidelines, you cannot fail! Detail for each of these steps shall follow, obviously, but as an easy to remember guide, built for the greatest of Sprangler minds, it makes sense to organise this first chapter in such a way as to appear to give priorities to the right things!
==== Step 1, Part 1 - Finding a Woman ====
You have no doubt realised, Man Sprangler, that Women are different from yourselves. Not only do they appear physically different, but they act differently, and laugh in a most charming manner. You have probably discovered that they are 'attractive' - you like to see them, although their conversation may be lacking at times. Nevertheless, thoughts of the Woman will dominate your mind for the rest of your life - and I wish you the best of luck with that!
Finding the right Woman is no easy task, as you could no doubt gather from the staggering number of failed societies that have chronicled history and time. If you cannot find the right Woman, you will likely have few offspring, and therefore die out quite soon. The Sprangler Clan, however, offers this alternative - if you tire of the Woman you are married to, you can merely leave her by marrying another! Such is the joy of an enlightened era!
Given that finding the right Woman is therefore less important, bear that in mind when attempting to Court - once you are of adult age, you should attempt to Court everything (('thing' is crossed out here)) female you meet!
==== Step 1, Part 2 - Asking her to marry you ====
Here we come to the really tough part of the Courtship - getting the courage up to ask the Woman to marry you. The first time is always the hardest - once you have married a dozen times or so, however, it should be almost second nature - if not your first!
The proposal should be considered along these lines, although variety, spontaneity, and imagination are admired by many Women!
* Kneel down.
* Ask 'Will you marry me?'
* Look convincing
From this point onwards, though we must deal with the Woman's part of the deal - the Acceptance or Refusal. I am afraid, Man Sprangler, that much as when you ask the all important question, I shall leave you hanging until such a time that the Woman has made up her mind. We shall return, never fear!
=== Step 2 - The Woman ===
Since in all societies, The Man is the most important, brave, pragmatic and talented of the sexes, and as such, it is only right that any romantic liason should be initiated by The Man. The chances are he shall do so by asking the important question of 'Will you marry me?'. It is now you, Woman of either the Sprangler Clan, or a different one, who must deal with it.
When you are asked for your hand in marriage, you must first read this book! I cannot stress how important it is that both of you understand the correct rituals! Although the Man may be left hanging for a while whilst you read this all important tome, or book - more of a wordy pamphlet, I suppose, but it is bound as a book, so a book it shall remain! Although the Man may be left hanging, it is no more than you would have done anyway, and at least you are doing something worthwhile with your time, rather than 'umm'ing and 'aah'ing.
Now that you know to read this Book/Pamphlet, I shall guide you through the thought processes that should dominate your mind when you are asked the question.
Options:
# Say 'yes'
# Say 'no'
==== Step 2, Option 1 - Saying 'yes' ====
There are many criteria for deciding on whether a Man is worthy of marriage. Firstly - have you ever met him before? If you have, this should count highly in his favour. Other such factors should be - is he of good lineage (and I can tell you, since he is a Man of the Sprangler Clan, he has the best), has he achieved any great works (because I believe that such a time will come when the Sprangler Clan will have achieved all that is possible, at which point those that managed to get to do something first are probably better than the ones who didn't), is he good looking (because that really helps with breeding. Trust me), and finally, and most importantly - are you pregnant? If you are, marrying the Man would be unfair, since he'd have to look after another child that wasn't even his! If you are not pregnant, then by the Gods, you should be!
If you are not pregnant, and the man has fulfilled all the above criteria, all that remains is to make him prove his worth. There are a great variety of ways to do this, and I am sure that you can think of some future issues one such as I could not foresee - such will be the glory of the Sprangler Clan, that we shall even have thinking Women (although of course, we do understand that we cannot tax your brains too much)!
==== Step 2, Option 2 - Saying 'no' ====
I believe most of the advice for choosing whether to say 'yes' or 'no' has been covered above, so if you, potential or actual woman of the Sprangler Clan, have skipped ahead to see how to say 'no', go back and read 'Step 2, Option 1 - Saying 'yes.
All I can say to you now, Woman, is to start preparing for the most adventurous part of your life - married bliss! Unless you have said no, at which point, I wish your current marriage all the success you have fared so far, and pray that your healthy Sprangler child will grow up happy in the glory of the Clan Sprangler!
=== Step 1 - The Man ===
==== Step 1, Part 3a - When the Woman says 'yes' ====
Ah, Man, it is good to communicate with you once again, even through the metaphorical communication enacted through writing a Book/etc! Talking to Women, I am sure you will soon find, is tiring, and I must now nap.
Luckily, you didn't have to wait very long for the resumption of my writing, and I can tell you I had a lovely little nap, and some tea! Glory to the name of the Sprangler Clan! And, though I may have teased a bit, this section of the book is rightly titled with the 'yes' word - clearly you are reading this after the Woman has said 'yes'! I shall be the first to offer my congratulations! Since no one can offer my congratulations on my behalf - unless of course, in a later book, I rescind that statement!
==== Step 1, Part 3b - When the Woman says 'no' ====
Never fear, Man, there is only one reason that any Woman would refuse an offer of courtship from a heroic and manly Man of the Sprangler Clan - she is a dirty whore, and not worth your time. Now go back out there, and find another Woman! Repeat the above starting instructions, and soon, married bliss shall be yours!
=== Step 3 - Profit! ===
Well done on reaching this far in the many complicated steps it has taken to get here! Many lesser men have failed to get so far in a Courtship, but you, you are a Man of Clan Sprangler! Now, to explain how to achieve marriage, and therefore the bliss of said marriage!
A Woman is fickle, and likely to change her mind at any point. It is important to keep her sweet, at least until you have impregnated her with another child to add to the Clan, and it is important not to get her pregnant, or indeed, 'have your way with her', until after marriage. This will keep the ceremony as important as it should be, and you risk doing irrevocable harm to the Woman's fragile mind. The marriage, in all honesty, is for her benefit.
'How do you keep a Woman sweet, then?' I hear you ask, through the medium of my imagination - for I must imagine the way I would have liked to learn about the courtship rituals of the Clan myself. I cannot actually hear you asking the question - and really, if you are of the Sprangler Clan, you should be advanced mentally enough not to talk to books!
A Woman must be kept sweet with a constant array of gifts. They enjoy sweet flavoured things, pretty clothes, cute animals, gold and drugs. Keep her supplied with these at all times! Furthermore, you know they are tiresome already - it is best to try and keep away from them as much as possible, so they don't realise how boring you really find them - it may jeopardise the marriage! Furthermore, Women are for some reason, really attached to their friends and family - above and beyond the natural and Right loyalty to the Clan! As such, it is important to make nice with the Woman's parents, especially her mother.
I cannot state this emphatically enough, being limited as I am in space and ink, but YOU MUST ACT LIKE YOU LIKE HER MOTHER. When the marriage day comes, it will be her that gets the final say in any marriage. Although this may at first present problems with marrying outside of the Sprangler Clan, once our sovereign nation is set up, most of the mothers will have grown used to these advanced and superior customs. Nevertheless, I fully expect that any right-thinking mother would only leap at the chance to give her daughter away to you, Man!
Of course 'give away' isn't entirely accurate, either, and I apologise for misleading you, Man. I have no doubt that you can follow the logic here, but come the day of the marriage, it is important to buy the Woman off her family - it truly secures her as one of the glorious Sprangler Clan, and even if you leave her later, she will remain forevermore Sprangler (but best you don't mention that bit to her first).
A marriage can be as simple or complex an arrangement as the Woman would like it. I would encourage you to invite family and friends, and have a priest there, and then a huge party.
Once you are married, congratulations! You are now married, and bliss can commence as soon as you get into bed and get her pregnant - after all, the Sprangler Clan needs to grow to flourish! I would strongly suggest that you don't attempt to stop any conception, as the long term effects have been proven in multiple studies to only harm the Woman - and we don't want to harm our baby-makers, do we? That would be MADNESS.
== History of the Clan Sprangler ==
And so, as you can see, the Courtship Rituals are both sublimely simple, and complicated enough to offer each and every Sprangler his own way through life and marriage! Now, as I promised in my Introduction, I shall lay out the foundation of the genius laying behind the Sprangler Dynasty! There shall be two parts to this story, and I shall begin with the Gnome history, since they have laid the foundation for the glorious union with the Folded Palm trade house of Goblinkind!
The Sprangler Clan is one of the oldest of the oldest races. It is well known that before any other race, the Gnomes evolved sentience and thumbs. We invented the wheel, and soon after, the tank tracks. Fire also was soon discovered to us, although since we have always lived benearth the surface of Azeroth, we also had to invent chimneys quite quickly. Else we would have suffocated.
Although much early lore is lost, we can be certain of a few things - the whole demon things the Kaldorei keep whining about was nothing to do with us. We certainly never introduced demons to the world, although once they appeared, it was only a short step to using them as tools. Although it is true some are corrupted by the presence of the fel, it is certain nothing demonic could ever hold sway over the minds or bodies of the Sprangler Clan!
Besides that, the name 'Sprangler' has passed down as one of the greatest, largest, most formidably intelligent, forward thinking, good-looking, noble, courageous, proud, hard working and rich families that Gnome lore has ever had to deal with! Indeed, histories of the Clan have been written, and are sold by any good book salesperson in Gnomeregan - although, in the future, I imagine Gnomeregan will look like a shoddy version of the Sprangler home base we are building here in Tanaris! I am sure we can import some of the books, though, Sprangler students!
Now, a quick aside about our Goblin brethren - the Folded Palm was a trade house set up by Prince Nazim Kraftsgood, and dealt with Gnomes a lot. One scientific branch was set up specifically to create a master race of Goblins to aid Goblin ascension and dominion of the world. However, their research was to bear no fruit - until a trade deal with the Sprangler Clan was to lead to a joint effort between the considerable resources of both Clans. I tell you, Men and Women of Clan Sprangler, both groups were nearly bankrupt with the efforts - but were ultimately successful!
I cannot exactly explain how, but using advanced methods of genetic resplicing and coding, goblin and gnome children could be created with the better aspects of the other race! Yes! This was new back in our day! Knowing that the master race was on its way, several Sprangler women were impregnated with gnome/goblin children! Indeed, at the time of this writing, the Folded Palm and Clan Sprangler have formally joined, and although currently we are made of both Gnome and Goblin parts, we work together under the glorious name of Sprangler!
We currently fully expect the first litter of children to show their true potential within 40 years or so - and soon, we shall have a great and glorious nation, ruling over the world! Gnomeregan shall tremble at the births! Glory to the name of Sprangler! Glory to the master race! Glory to the Man Lowdan, who should be the first to reach such an age to read this book, and lead the Clan Sprangler to many victorious and heroic early points in our glorious history!