Dissociation

Survival of the Fittest is the seventy-fourth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on February 19th, 2024 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
The cult learns of a hidden personality within Jerry who knows how to defeat LRH once and for all. One last attack on Phoenix Palace is planned by Squidward while LRH prepares to defeat the cult.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins with SpongeBob, Krabs, and Plankton at the entrance of the mine, with Plankton still holding the crystal from last episode)
Plankton: NOT ONE STEP CLOSER, OR YOU ALL BLOW UP!
SpongeBob: ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Plankton: I SAID NOT ANOTHER STEP FORWARD! THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE. NOW, DROP YOUR WEAPONS!
(The guards hesitantly put their weapons on the ground and raise their hands in the air)
Guard 1: Listen, we don’t want any trouble. Can we all just walk away from this? 
Plankton: YOU SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO! 
LRH: WHAT ARE YOUR DEMANDS?
Plankton: I don’t like your tone!
(LRH grunts in annoyance)
Plankton: EVERYONE, LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD!
LRH: Please, go on, you little green piece of s[dolphin chirp]!
Plankton: HEY! WATCH IT! DON’T TEMPT ME! 
LRH: What are your f[dolphin chirp] demands?
Plankton: I SAID WATCH IT! AND MY DEMANDS ARE SIMPLE. I WANT MORE OF THESE CRYSTALS!
(LRH begins laughing)
Plankton: HEY! PUNK!
LRH: Not a chance. I’d rather the place explode than give you my crystals.
Plankton: Have it your way! 
(Before anybody can react, Plankton throws the crystal at one of the beams of wood holding up the mine, and we see a slow motion shot of it flying towards the beam as it hits it, then flashes light violently as the other crystals in the mine do too; Then, we see a view of the outside of the mine, as the inside glows and flashes until the sea shakes and an explosion erupts out of the cave as SpongeBob, Krabs, and Plankton fly out the entrance along with everyone else inside except LRH; SpongeBob, Krabs, and Plankton slam onto the floor, with burns all across their bodies as they groan in pain and cough violently. Then, we see the inside of the Study from the previous episode as the explosion envelops the room, causing the room, and the portion of LRH’s castle above ground, collapse, as it cuts to the outside of the front of castle collapsing; the camera pans to the cult digging around the ruined basement)
Noseward: You’re absolutely sure the book is down here? 
Squidward: Nobody had time to grab it when we were attacked, it has to be in it’s hiding spot.
Noseward: Did the warding break? Is there any chance that Azryth or Raphael could’ve gotten to it?
Squidward: If Raphael showed up, we would’ve noticed. If Azryth showed up, we’d be dead. 
Crayons: I FOUND IT!
(Crayons holds up a box with all sorts of symbols etched onto it)
Squidward: Good, good! We do have to open it though.
Crayons: WHAT?!
Noseward: Yeah, WHAT?! Won’t that attract attention instantly?
Squidward: There’s a temporary warding spell in there we can quickly cast to prevent any more unwanted attention. We need to use the book’s locator spell to find Jerry. 
Noseward: Remind me again why we need to find him?
Squidward: Do you really want another person who wants us dead running around free out there?
Noseward: I guess not.
Squidward: Here goes nothing.
(Squidward takes a deep breath as he opens the book, the pages emitting an ominous red glow, as he begins reading an incantation, causing the room to rumble and book glows deep blue as a blue wave of energy blasts out of it before receding back) 
Squidward: Okay, I think that’s the warding spell. We’re safe, for now.
Squilliam: Now we go find that crab guy?
Squidward: Let me cast that spell too. 
(Squidward reads another incantation, saying Jerry’s name at the end, as a beam of blue light shoots out of the book, into the sky, and everyone watches it touch down in the distance. A visible blue orb appears in the sky where the beam touched down)
Squidward: Okay, now we follow that beam and capture Jerry! 
(The group climbs out of the wreckage and begins walking toward the beam; the camera pans up, then pans down as they’re getting closer)
Noseward: Are we almost there? I’m so TIRED. 
Squidward: Noseward, you’ve been asking that every FIVE MINUTES. 
Noseward: Makes the time go by faster.
Squilliam: Hey, do you guys see that?
(In the distance is a silhouette of a large figure sitting on the ground)
Squidward: Is that- Jerry?
Jerry: It’s me. 
Squidward: What are you doing out here?
Jerry: Well the way I see it, I was bound to be recaptured by you one way or another. 
Squidward: So what, you’re just going to give up?
Jerry: Well, I am. Can’t say the same about the others though. (Jerry’s voice changes to the comrade) do you really think that I forgot what you did to us? 
Squidward: Right, there we go. 
Jerry: Jerry’s weak, but myself and the pirate, we’re STRONGER. (Jerry twitches suddenly as he begins speaking like a pirate)
Crayons: They can come out without any prompting? How is that even possible?
Jerry: Matey, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Haven’t ye learned that? 
Buff Jim: Can somebody catch me up?
Squidward: This is Jerry. He ran a group that tried to exterminate us on the North. He also is… Uh… Strange.
(Jerry suddenly leaps onto Squidward)
Jerry: I AIN’T INSANE! YER THE INSANE ONE!
(Jerry punches Squidward two times before Buff Jim pulls him off)
Buff Jim: BACK OFF, CRABBY!
(Jerry punches Buff Jim in the gut, causing him to drop Jerry)
Jerry: GONNA TAKE MORE THAN THAT TO BRING ME DOWN LAND LUBBER!
(Jerry runs at Buff Jim and grasps him by the throat with his claw; Squidward and Noseward step out to help Buff Jim)
Jerry: NOT ANOTHER STEP OR I’LL TAKE HIS HEAD OFF!
Buff Jim: He’s bluffing!
(Jerry tightens his grip)
Jerry: OH REALLY NOW?
Squidward: Jerry, let him go!
Jerry: The name be Clawbeard and I have a bone to pick with ye! You scoundrels stole my loot and destroyed my empire! (voice changes) and I’m Comrade Crab, you toppled my perfect socialist utopia! 
Squidward: Listen, whoever you are right now, just let him go please! He didn’t even come to the north with us!
Jerry: (as Comrade) but he associates himself with you! You and your pigheaded ignorant cultists! Do you know the damage you’ve done to making a better tomorrow?
Squidward: Yes, but please, he had nothing to do with any of this. 
Jerry: You’re right. He may not have, but you sure have.
(Jerry drops Buff Jim and runs at Squidward, slamming his full body weight into him and tackling him down the side of a hill; Squidward keeps hitting Jerry, trying to break himself out of his hold, but Jerry won’t let go. The two smash into a coral tree)
Squidward: You maniac! What’s wrong with you?
Jerry: I’m seeing clearer now than I ever have before!
(Squidward and Jerry both stand up, Squidward punches Jerry; Jerry stumbles back, regains himself, then throws a punch at Squidward but misses)
Squidward: What’s wrong Jerry, are you tired?
Jerry: No, I just- walked for-
(Jerry goes for another punch, this time hitting Squidward square across the face)
Jerry: A very long time. 
Squidward: Jerry, we don’t have to be enemies anymore, we-
Jerry: Save it. 
(Jerry grabs some sand and throws it into Squidward’s face, blinding him for a second before grabbing around his waist from behind and throwing him over his head. Squidward hits the ground hard, at this point Noseward, Buff Jim, Crayons, and Squilliam have made their way down the hill)
Noseward: JERRY!!!
(Noseward lunges at Jerry, pulls out a dagger, and stabs him in the stomach)
Squidward: Noseward what did you-
(Jerry looks down and sees the blade has pierced his stomach, but not enough to cause permanent damage)
Jerry: Okay, you guys win. Take me back as prisoner, kill me, I don’t care. 
Noseward: One of those options sounds better than the others.
Squidward: Noseward we don’t do that anymore. 
Noseward: Why not? He killed, he KILLED Security. Eye for an eye as far as I’m concerned! 
Squidward: For one, he’s still useful to us and for two, revenge isn’t going to make Security come back. It’s been my experience that it’ll just make you feel worse. 
(Noseward just stares at his blade before sighing and dropping it onto the ground)
Noseward: You’re right. 
Jerry: WUSS.
Squidward: Don’t push it, Jerry. Now come on, we have to go find a new shelter.
Jerry: They’re arguing about it upstairs. 
Squidward: Huh?
Jerry: The pirate, the normal one, the captive. They’re all talking about what to do now. The captive doesn’t want to go anywhere near Lord Royal Highness.
(Everyone looks at Jerry)
Crayons: You… you know who that is?
Jerry: Of course we do! The captive talks about it all the time, it seems he’s the only one that remembers. 
(Crayons looks at Squidward and then walks towards Jerry)
Crayons: Jerry, tell us - how exactly do-
(Suddenly, Jerry begins convulsing violently, scaring Crayons and the rest)
Jerry: Huh? What’s- (voice changes) NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOT AGAIN! HOW AM I OUT AGAIN! WHY AM I OUT AGAIN? 
Crayons: What the hell?
Squidward: Jerry? Are you-
Jerry: Yeah, he’s still in this noggin! Can you believe four of us occupy that headspace? I haven’t been out in AGES. 
Squidward: So… Are you the captive?
Jerry: Yessir!
Crayons: Why do they call you that?
Jerry: Because it’s what I was! I was a prisoner of Atlantis! 
Squidward: Go on… 
Jerry: It started a few years back. 
[May 2018; Jerry and a few unnamed crabs are exploring the empty desert]
Jerry: I think we’re almost there!
Crab 1: Why?
Jerry: Look at that sand wall, it doesn’t look natural.
(Jerry points to a wall made out of sand that seems like it’s supposed to mimic a cliff)
Crab 2: Do you think it’s behind there?
Jerry: Only one way to know.
(Jerry and his crabs walk up to the wall and begin clawing at it, quickly finding solid metal)
Jerry: Get the explosives, we’re going in.
(The crabs begin unpacking dynamite from their bags)
Jerry: We’re gonna blow a hole in this wall and march in, I don’t think there’s any other way in that doesn’t get us killed instantly.
(Before the crabs can light the dynamite, a shadowy figure walks through the wall; Jerry gets a clear view of Lord Royal Highness)
Jerry: Who are you?
LRH: I’m Lord Royal Highness, but you can call me LRH for short.
Jerry: Well, LRH, do you live here?
LRH: I do, I’m in charge of it. I’m the king of Atlantis! 
Jerry: Have you heard about the cult gaining power in Bikini Bottom?
LRH: No, no I haven’t. Please come on in and tell me more, we’re happy to welcome visitors!
Jerry: Sorry we tried to bomb our way in.
LRH: Oh please, you’re too funny! That dynamite never would’ve made a dent in the wall.
(We cut to some time later, Jerry and LRH are sitting in LRH’s lounge talking)
Jerry: LRH, do you plan to help us fight against the cult? They’re rapidly gaining power in Bikini Bottom and I’m worried they’re going to try to take over the entire sea! 
LRH: I too am worried, but I don’t want to expend Atlantis’ resources to help you fight your war. 
Jerry: Can you at least show us your secret to immortality? The “rebirth” that you’ve spoken of?
LRH: No. No, I can’t. It’s far too great a risk to let that knowledge leave Atlantis. 
Jerry: Why? What’s the worst that could happen?
LRH: Somebody could use it to undo my power. The rebirth, it works in reverse. It’s all science, really. Just not any science from this universe. 
Jerry: Not from this universe?
LRH: Perhaps I have said too much.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe you have.
(Jerry glances at LRH’s personal diary that he keeps on his desk)
Jerry: Is that a diary?
LRH: Oh yes, it is! But if you look in it, I will kill you.
Jerry: Jeez. 
(Suddenly, Jerry grabs the book and makes a run for it)
LRH: HEY!
(LRH motions for guards to follow Jerry, he’s able to quickly hide inside of a closet before they see where he went; he opens the journal and begins flipping through it, eventually finding a page early on titled “Rebirth”, which he tears off)
Jerry: (Reading in LRH’s voice) Today I was given a gift by the Leader. She showed me how to use the alpha gem’s energy to go through the rebirth process! The gems were broken and put into lights, and once exposed for a while with very high doses, one would be nearly reborn. Then they must-
(Suddenly, LRH opens the closet door)
LRH: AHA! THOUGHT YOU COULD HIDE FROM ME?
Jerry: I know. 
LRH: You know WHAT?!
Jerry: I know how it works now, I understand. 
(LRH just stares at Jerry)
Jerry: The “Rebirth.” It’s crystal-clear now. But… Where are you from? Why can’t we use this to our advantage?
LRH: That’s none of your business. I don’t know what you thought would happen, but it is time for you to be put to rest.
(Several Atlantian guards show up behind LRH with guns as LRH escorts Jerry out of the closet)
Jerry: I AIN’T SCARED. I AIN’T SCARED AT ALL.
LRH: Good! Then this will be easy.
(The guards all point guns at Jerry, waiting for LRH’s signal; however, instead of authorizing them to shoot, he inspects Jerry)
LRH: No… Don’t kill this one.
(The guards all drop their guns)
LRH: That is simply a waste. This one, he’s clever. We could use him.
Jerry: Use me?
LRH: Guards, you’re dismissed. Allow me to send him to the chamber. I’ll deal with him myself.
(LRH walks off with Jerry in cuffs; Cut to the two of them walking through a dark hallway full of wooden doors with bars on them, until he opens one of them and tosses Jerry in)
Jerry: You think I’m scared? You think this intimidates me?
LRH: I do. I really do.
(Jerry looks around the small jail, and then a familiar orange light turns on)
Jerry: Finally, some light. 
(Jerry begins to read the page he ripped out, orange light washes over the screen)
[Present Day]
Squidward: So the light came over you and that’s what you remember up to? 
Jerry: I remember reading the note and then the next thing I knew…
[January 3rd, 2019]
(Camera fades into orange light, and the same jail with Jerry sitting in the corner staring at a wall)
Jerry: I don’t know what day it is! (voice changes to pirate voice) it be Tuesday, if I be remembering correctly. 
(Jerry mumbles something to himself when all of a sudden, a large missile flies into the prison and explodes the wall down)
Squidward: (offscreen) EAT SCALLOP YOU ATLANTIAN BASTARDS! 
Jerry: Hello? Is this freedom? (Jerry’s voices all overlap) is this what’s next? 
(Jerry walks out of his prison and sees a raging battle between the Cult and Atlantis)
Jerry: Woah, it’s full-scale war out there! 
[Present Day]
Squidward: Okay, so you left when we bombed Atlantis? And then what? 
Jerry: Well then I went north, and then I met you again. The Colonel took over completely, I haven’t been out in years.
Squidward: So do you know how to beat him?
Jerry: I do. We have to break one of the gems near him. So much energy will wash over him that it’ll quite literally lose all of his powers. 
Crayons: So it would overcharge him?
Jerry: Exactly.
Crayons: Sort of like microwaving a fork.
Jerry: I’m sure there’s better examples but sure, that works. 
(Squidward notices a figure in the distance)
Squidward: Is that-
Noseward: Krabs?
(Krabs can be seen carrying SpongeBob and Plankton)
Squidward: Krabs! What happened?!
Krabs: There was an explosion and all sorts of lights with the crystals and I don’t really know what happened but we barely got out of there.
Squidward: How did you find us? 
Krabs: I followed my instructions. 
Squidward: Wait, what?
(Krabs drops SpongeBob and Plankton and readies a sword)
Krabs: I’m sorry I have to do this, but Lord Royal Highness gave me my orders.
Crayons: Oh, so you’re betraying us. AGAIN. Is this just your thing man? 
(Crayons looks back at Jerry and then looks at Squidward and a look of realization crosses his face)
Crayons: Wait! The crystal!
Squidward: What?!
Crayons: Trust me on this!
(Crayons pulls the crystal out of his pocket and throws it at the ground, shattering it, then he stomps on the shards causing an explosion, knocking everyone back; Krabs is the first to get up)
Krabs: What the-
(Krabs gets hit by the blast wave and his irises suddenly flash orange, then continue blinking orange before eventually returning to their normal state)
Krabs: Wuzzat? God, what happened? How long was I out?
Squidward: Krabs! Crayons, it worked!
Krabs: What? 
(Krabs looks at the sword he’s holding)
Krabs: Oh come on, not this again! Was I being controlled again?
Squidward: Yeah, but we stopped you before you got the chance to surprise us. Not all too surprising of a thing to do now, but I guess I would’ve been a little shocked. 
(SpongeBob wakes up with a cough)
SpongeBob: Ugh, did Plankton really just - wait, where are we?
Squidward: We’re all back, what the heck happened out there?
SpongeBob: Last thing I remember, Plankton threw a crystal down… Then total darkness… And now I’m here.
Squidward: PLANKTON!
(Plankton snaps awake)
Plankton: YES SIR!
Squidward: Did you cause an explosion at the mine? 
Plankton: Why, yes I did! 
Squidward: You almost got SpongeBob and Krabs killed!
Plankton: Well, yes, but I also blew a hole in the mine. And by that I mean there isn’t a mine anymore. 
Crayons: Plankton, you’re a maniac.
Squidward: Wait, Plankton, how close was the mine to LRH’s castle?
Plankton: Practically right next to it, I wouldn’t be surprised if we blew up that prison we found Krabs in. We also found a room directly below the castle - that definitely would have been destroyed too!
Squidward: It’s a miracle you two are even alive to begin with.
Plankton: Death is no challenge for me. I welcome its cold embrace! 
Squidward: I think you were being an idiot, but I think you may have just given us a way into Phoenix palace. I think you accidentally made the right decision!
SpongeBob and Crayons: WHAT?!
SpongeBob: You think him almost killing us was the right thing to do?
Squidward: No, but I think that he may have blown a hole clear into the side of LRH’s palace. Even with his work crew’s speed, there’s no way they’d know about it at first if the mine was that deep, and there’s no way they could get it fixed on time. 
Noseward: Are you saying we break into the palace?
Squidward: That’s exactly what I’m saying!
Jerry: Is this what I think it is?
Squidward: IT’S A HEIST! 
(We cut to Lord Royal Highness sitting on his throne, when a familiar red smoke fills the room)
LRH: What the- GUARDS! TAKE CARE OF THIS AT ONCE!
(Azryth now stands in the center of LRH’s throne room)
Azryth: Now now, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Well also, you can’t, I’m keeping this meeting private.
LRH: What are you? A demon? 
Azryth: I am, and I’m here to make a proposition! 
LRH: What deal could I possibly want to make with you, demon? 
Azryth: Well, I want to give you a little bit of information in exchange for access to your alpha crystals. 
LRH: What’s the information? 
Azryth: It’s the full, juicy story on where Squidward and his band of merry freaks are now! You know they’re going to attempt an ambush, right? Now that I’ve told you my bit, you should tell me yours. 
LRH: I’m not giving you access to the alpha crystals. They’re a high and powerful commodity - taken from several different dimensions across several different universes from the depths of outer space, in worlds you could never imagine.
Azryth: Spare me the details, LRH. The kind from your world really don’t like sharing that secret, do they? Welp! Good thing I didn’t come to make a deal, I just wanted it to seem like I was going to. Now, I’ll kill you.
(Azryth flies very fast toward LRH’s throne but is stopped by an invisible barrier; he slams into the barrier and all sorts of symbols around the room light up yellow)
LRH: Did you really think I wasn’t going to ward this place?
Azryth: Well, that was expected. 
LRH: Leave now, demon! You can’t hurt me.
Azryth: I can’t hurt you NOW… But heed my words… (His eyes burn in dark red flames as his voice booms and echoes across the room) WHEN YOU PERISH, I WILL PERSONALLY DRAG YOU TO HELL AND TORTURE YOU IN A SEA OF FIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY! 
(LRH looks completely unimpressed)
Azryth (frowns): You really just love to take the piñata bat away from the birthday boy, now don’t you. (frown turns to a grin) Your day is coming, LRH, and don’t come crying to me when it does.
(Azryth smokes out of the palace about the same time three guards arrive in the throne room)
Phoenix Guard: LRH! IT’S A CATASTROPHE! THE CASTLE, A WHOLE WALL - DESTROYED! THE MINE IS GONE! ALL YOUR POWER CRYSTALS ARE -
LRH: SILENCE, FOOL. You think I wouldn’t come prepared in an instance like this? I have the power of the Crystals - 
Phoenix Guard: SIR! THEY BLEW UP THE MINE!
LRH: I HEARD. I still have my power, I’m still going to be okay. Let them try, I’ll show them what Project Phoenix is really made of. 
(LRH drops his cape; we cut back to the cult all standing at the gates of Phoenix Plaza)
Squidward: Okay, so here’s the plan. 
(A drum in a decrescendoing trill plays and the camera shows SpongeBob, Krabs, and Noseward in the mine)
Squidward: (voiceover) SpongeBob, Krabs, Noseward, you’re going to head into the mine toward the hole and scout it out. I assume it’ll be guarded heavily. 
(SpongeBob, Noseward, and Krabs are sitting in a broken shaft just above the hole, and looking down they only see one small baby fish guard standing near the hole)
Krabs: Huh? That’s just one tiny guy!
Noseward: Hehe, yeah, what’s that little guy gonna do? 
(Suddenly, hundreds more of the same baby fish run out and begin merging into one gigantic guard that roars loud enough to break the shaft they’re sitting in and send them tumbling down right in front of it)
Guard: HALT! TRESPASSERS! HALT!
SpongeBob: You two just HAD to say something. 
Krabs: RUN FOR IT! 
(We cut to Buff Jim and Crayons standing at the gate)
Squidward: (voiceover) Buff Jim, Crayons, you’re going to cause a diversion. 
Crayons (voiceover) What’s the diversion?
Squidward: (voiceover) Shush, I’m getting there. Buff Jim, Crayons, you’re going to cause a diversion at the front gate. You’re going to drive up in a junk boat we can find and pretend to be tourists from the Atlantic Ocean who don’t know where they are and think they’re lost. 
(Cut to Buff Jim in the passengers seat wearing a gray grandma wig and Crayons with a comically large mustache driving as they pull up to Phoenix Plaza’s front gate)
Guard: (over intercom) Halt! Who goes there?
Crayons: Uhhh, I am Shelley Fishson, and this is my wife, uhh, Shelley Fishson-Marciano-Vermatra-
Guard: Alright, alright - just state your business.
Crayons: We’re here to visit… Bikini Bottom, is it? We heard such great things from our relatives and wanted to visit. We’re from the Atlantic Ocean? 
Guard: And ya drove all the way here? 
Crayons: We did, it was a very long trip. 
Buff Jim: (voice even deeper than usual) and I’m VERY tired. 
Guard: Well, I don’t believe we let visitors in any more. 
Crayons: Why not? May we speak to the manager? 
(The guard looks incredibly annoyed; cut to Squidward and Plankton at another gate)
Squidward: (voiceover) Plankton and I are going to cause the actual diversion. But we’ll get to that. Back to the mine. 
(Cut to SpongeBob, Noseward, and Krabs looking incredibly tired and bruised presumably after their encounter with the giant guard)
Noseward: Okay, so now we start grabbing these crystals? 
(Noseward picks up a crystal shard and puts it into a bag)
Squidward: (voiceover) At this point SpongeBob, Krabs, and Noseward will be gathering crystals and piling them at the door. The explosion they cause is going to collapse the entire East Wing of the palace, giving us easy access to LRH’s throne room itself.
(Noseward places the bag near the door of the study)
Noseward: Here?
SpongeBob: Yes, we plant the crystals across the room and then blow it to high heaven. 
Krabs: How do we get out again?
SpongeBob: Do you two pay any attention? We run back to the exit, the giant hole in the cave that we can see from here, and throw crystals down into the mine until we see it explode. 
Krabs: Got it.
(A little bit of time passes, and then we see the three running toward the mine entrance, throwing crystals behind them)
Noseward: THIS IS SO DANGEROUS!
SpongeBob: YOU’RE TELLING ME?!
(They barely get out of the mine in time to see the entire East Wing of the palace collapse; Squidward and Plankton arrive at the explosion site)
Squidward: (voiceover) Plankton, Jerry, and I will arrive when the east wing goes down. Plankton presumably has bombs, and Jerry and I have strength, so we’ll be able to take on whatever guards run out to stop us. 
(We see Jerry and Squidward run up the guards rushing out of the palace)
Squidward: You’re sure you’re up to this?!
Jerry: Yes! I told you I was up to do this, I need to stop this crazy [dolphin noises]!
Squidward: But what about afterwards? 
Jerry: Doesn’t matter, this guy HAS to be stopped! 
(Plankton launches small bombs at the Phoenix Guards, each one exploding on impact)
Guard 1: THIS GUY KEEPS-
(The guard gets hit with a bomb, and gets blown backwards into a rock)
Guard 1: BOMBING US. 
(Guards run out and fire machine guns at Plankton, but none of the bullets hit him because he’s so small; Plankton does a cocky strut across the room knowing they could never dream of hitting him)
Squidward: Jerry, behind you!
Jerry: Huh? 
(Jerry gets taken down by three Phoenix Guards, all of whom seem to be stronger than the others)
Squidward: They must be some more of LRH’s experiments? 
Jerry: Oh crap!
(The guards hold Jerry down as Squidward is using his robotic arm to punch on another guard’s leg)
Squidward: I’ve got you!
(Squidward runs at Jerry and pushes the three guards off of him, two of them grabbing and restraining him; cut to Buff Jim and Crayons)
Crayons: Oh and don’t we just love Cousin Sandy? She’s such a sweetheart-
Guard: Can you PLEASE stop talking about your many, MANY extended relatives for a second? There’s been a breach on the other side of the castle! I need to send guards over there!
Crayons: Can you just let us in?
Guard: It’s my JOB to send guards over there, I send that command. If I don’t, then the guards don’t get over and I’ll LOSE THIS JOB!
(Crayons drives the boat directly into the guard’s post and then him and Buff Jim jump out right before the boat hits the computers and explodes)
Crayons: Good thing he told us all that!
Buff Jim: Crayons, I don’t think this car was insured.
Crayons: Oh [dolphin noises]...
Squidward: (voiceover) the lack of an alert gives us less guards to have to deal with. Once we’ve taken care of the outside, we’ll regroup and move closer to the throne room. 
(Cut to everyone making it to the hole blown near the throne room, a large wave of guards is standing on one side of the room, and Squidward, Noseward, SpongeBob, Krabs, Plankton, Crayons, Buff Jim, and Jerry standing on the other side)
Squidward: (voiceover) and then we storm the palace. 
(The voiceover stops and Squidward draws his sword to the dozen or so guards standing opposite the cult)
Guard 1: Stop! We won’t let you get to the throne room! 
Squidward: We can’t stop! 
Noseward: FOR FREEDOMMMMMMM!
(Noseward runs at one of the guards and swings a sword at him but his sword gets caught and broken by the guard, who then grabs Noseward and swings him into a brick wall)
Guard 2: LRH doesn’t have a scheduled meeting right now! But you do, with death!
Noseward: (In pain) That was lame…
Guard 3: Jeremiah, we told you to stop making those stop one liners. 
Guard 2: But I-
(A cluster bomb thrown by Plankton lands on the guard and blows him and the other guard up)
Guard 4: You guys are the WORST. 
(Two guards stand by Jerry and Krabs)
Jerry: No hard feelings?
Krabs: I don’t know which Jerry I’m speaking to, so… hard feelings? I guess?
(Krabs runs at a guard and tackles him; the two of them throw punches until Krabs stands up exhausted; Crayons draws a small gun from his pocket)
Guard: What’s that gonna do? 
(Crayons fires the gun and it causes the guard to get knocked out; more guards run out, the dark matter cannon is wheeled out to the battlefield)
Crayons: Oh… My… God… DARK MATTER CANNON! EVERYONE, DUCK!
(The Cult all duck as the dark matter cannon fires and hits the wall, causing it to explode and vanish from existence)
Phoenix General: LOAD THE CANNON!
(A few soldiers walk a massive dark matter bolt out to the cannon and place it into the empty slot)
Phoenix General: FIRE!
(Another bolt is fired, this one hits a random foot soldier and causes him to vanish)
Crayons: Crap! We can’t beat Dark Matter!
Squidward: I’ll try to take that cannon down! 
(Squidward runs toward the cannon but two large guards step in front of him)
Guard 1: HALT!
(The guard points a crossbow with a dark matter bolt loaded into it; he fires, but Squidward ducks just in time for it to instead hit a huge Phoenix guard, causing him to glitch out and scream before vanishing from reality)
Guard 2: WOAH! This thing can do THAT? 
Guard 1: How do you not know how powerful Dark Matter is?
Guard 2: Don’t patronize me or I will shoot you.
(The camera pans to show SpongeBob and Noseward fighting a group of guards)
SpongeBob: Noseward, behind you!
(Noseward spins around and throws a punch into the guard’s jaw, sending him straight to the floor)
SpongeBob: Where did you learn how to fight like that?
Noseward: SpongeBob, we fought the devil. I had to keep up with my krav maga, I found the quantist VHS series. 
(SpongeBob lunges at another guard and sticks a dagger into his ankle)
Guard: You!
(The guard tries to stand up but SpongeBob kicks him in the face; the camera pans to show Plankton fashioning a blade out of a fallen soldier’s armor, before turning around and stabbing a guard in the leg)
Guard: (Woozily) How did… How… How did you pierce… oh, you clever-
(The guard falls to his knees, Plankton breaks off another piece of armor and uses his crude blade to carve out a throwing star)
Plankton: Let’s see how this goes. 
(Plankton shoots the throwing star at a guard’s chest, and it slices through the armor, causing him to fall over)
Plankton: SCORE! 
(Camera shows Squidward making it on top of the cannon with two guards standing behind him with their guns aimed at his head)
Guard 1: End of the line, Squidward. 
Guard 2: Yeah, end of the line sucker! 
Guard 1: I really wish that cluster bomb could’ve killed you, you insufferable- 
(Both guards get hit from behind with large rocks thrown by Jerry, causing them to collapse) 
Squidward: You saved me?
Jerry: I’m just trying to finally make things right. 
Plankton: QUIT THE SMALL TALK, LADIES! WE’RE WINNIN’ A WAR!
Squidward: Which Jerry am I speaking to right now?
Jerry: I’m not sure. We’re all acting as one.
(Plankton jumps onto Jerry and throws a blade at Squidward, who hastily catches it)
Plankton: I SAID QUIT YOUR SMALL TALK. USE THIS BLADE. IT’LL SLICE THEM LIKE BREAD!
(Squidward looks at Plankton with malcontent, then thrusts the blade into the dark matter cannon)
Crayons: Uh, Squidward, you know that thing’s going to explode now, right?!
Squidward: I was sorta banking on it. EVERYONE MOVE OUT NOW!
(Squidward, Buff Jim, Crayons, SpongeBob, Noseward, Krabs, Jerry, and Plankton all run backwards as the Dark Matter cannon sparks purple before it explodes in a shockwave that sends every single soldier on the battlefield flying off in different directions as they glitch out, before a handful of them glitch out of reality)
SpongeBob: Crayons, you’re smart, where did they all just go?
Crayons: My best guess? They got transported to a different reality somewhere. They’re not dead, just not alive in this timeline. 
Noseward: Hopefully they don’t end up with that weird green fish from wherever that beach was. Now THAT would be tragic.
Squidward: Okay gentlemen, let’s finish this once and for all. 
(The camera shows Squidward standing out in front of everyone else; the camera pans and shows the group walking to the throne room entrance)
Buff Jim: You sure this is it?
(The camera zooms out and shows the group standing in front of a gigantic twenty foot tall solid gold door with a phoenix emblem in brass at the center)
Squidward: Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is it. 
Crayons: Well, how do we open it?
(Squidward walks up to the door and knocks, and the door opens to reveal LRH sitting on his throne patiently awaiting the cult)
LRH: Please! Come on in!
Squidward: You’re really making it that easy for us?
LRH: Of course not. You know me too well.
(The room lights up and reveals several hundred soldiers in the room, then the cult gets surrounded from behind by dozens more soldiers)
LRH: Please, come on in. Make yourselves comfortable! Not like you have much of a choice! 
(The guards march the cultists into the center of the throne room)
LRH: We’re doing this same old song and dance for the third time now, Squidward. 
Squidward: You power-hungry demon. YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS! YOU CAN KILL US, BUT OUR SPIRIT WILL CARRY ON!
LRH: I’m not going to kill you.
Squidward: …What?
LRH: It would be too easy to kill you. I want to CONTROL you. I’m going to put you all through the rebirth process. It’s not like I haven’t done that before!
(LRH snaps and suddenly Sister Yvonne and Squilliam walk out, suited in full Phoenix armor)
Yvonne: LRH showed me the light last year, he can show it to you too!
Squilliam: Should’ve paid more attention to me out there on the battlefield! 
Squidward: So what, this is your endgame? You want to strip away everyone’s freewill?
LRH: More or less. I come from a dimension wildly different from this hellhole I got myself put into. Every second I stay in this dimension my flesh burns. I’ve been extending my stay with the crystals you and your cultists so carelessly blew up, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve won, Squidward. I’m going to impress the Leader, and be welcomed back home a hero. All I have to do is force this entire ocean to kneel.
Squidward: So what, Project Phoenix was a lie? This wasn’t ever about stopping the cult at all costs, was it? 
LRH: It was at first, you were an obstacle that needed to be overcome so I could take over. But then I realized just how powerful the alpha crystals are in this dimension, and I found my higher calling. And then you attacked Atlantis, you brought Satan himself to Earth, and now you’ve gone and gotten yourself tangled up with fugitives like him? 
(LRH points toward Jerry) 
LRH: I could kill you, but you’ve been so much of a thorn in my side that there wouldn’t be any fun to it. So, I’m going to send you all to the prison and have you all reborn in MY image. Just as I tried to do all those months ago.
Squidward: You can’t do this, we’re going to stop you! 
LRH: If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that... Goodbye, Squidward. 
(Guards swarm the cultists and handcuff all of them, Jerry and Plankton try to fight them off but there’s far too many and they ultimately get overwhelmed)
Noseward: Squidward, what do we do now?
Squidward: I… I don’t know. We’ve lost. 
(The camera fades to black as the cultists are being lead to LRH’s prison, we see LRH grin before the camera goes completely black)
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