S05E02: Don't Drink The Water In Baldur's Gate

Nissa gets drunk. Carlos drinks his own pee. Kanye sees a puppy. Um wonders if asking the gang for help was a mistake.
The gang’s first assignment is to investigate a disease outbreak that the Queen thinks is caused by a deliberate contamination. Um, having already investigated this, quickly helps the gang find evidence that the outbreak is being caused by Taldic Lowery of Fresenius Restoration, who has been stockpiling the medicine to cure the disease.
== Background: ==
* Long story short, we're no longer wanted criminals! We got pardoned, had a party in the castle, Queen flirted with half of everyone and invites everyone to her room at night
* Okay Queen isn't actually flirting with us, she's actually a dragon and has had her eye on us since Master P, had very mom things to say.
* She's secretly running things as an effectively immortal being, "steering the ship" for humanity's own good. We've now joined a secret group of problem solvers, not quite special ops. It comes with perks!
* We haven't been told who the baddies are exactly - there's an implication that there are other immortal beings who don't like order as much - but the queen's plans are so long term they won't have any impact on our lives anyways
* We have some special equipment and a job ready for this session
Bracers/magical items:
* Nissa got a sweet ass belt buckle in the shape of a dragon
* Carlos got a lighter on a Beastie Boys style chain
* Um got a ring
* Averlyth got a dangling ear cuff
* Kanye got horn-rimmed unassuming hipster eyeglasses
== Our first assignment: ==
The dragon queen suspects that the recent outbreak of eyerot along the Crimmor river is caused by deliberate contamination. Your assignment is to investigate the epidemic, resolve as per code of ethics.
Um remembers relevant info from when he had gone home for therapy after we brutally murdered Burnie Cinders:
* Um had discovered there were lots of blind people around, infected by this disease caused eyerot
* He had discovered a company, Fresenius Restoration, had started up pop up clinics that only had cures that worked for a couple days
* And then later he found the owner - Taldic Lawrey, broke into his house, found records of various properties they owned (including a house not in a major city)
* And then he went there and found a bunch of eyebright - either a plant or the name of the potion you make from the plant - and essentially this company is hoarding it
* So Um went back with some and distributed it to Baldur's Gate and then got frustrated and then teleported into the future
Jarrod: "I'd like to make a suit of armor that looks like a suit and tieScott: "There it is. Good to have you back, Jarrod"We can use our teleporters to fast-travel to the Baldur's Gate field office whenever we'd like (DM’s note: This is not accurate. You can teleport once to get to your assignment, and once more to get back home when it’s over)
* They have resources available for us, e.g. they can figure out a distribution method for the cure, they can hire lawyers
* [The group is informed that the intent of the magical item is fast travel and not to game with the possibilities of teleportation]
Jarrod: You know, we could just sell the real cureScott: That's right, we think Fresenius is on the right trackMart: This is what happens when a character misses out on the entire morality arc
== Brainstorming ==
* We could profit from selling the real cure
* We could take over a pop up clinic and sell the real cure
* We still don't know where eyerot is actually coming
== The group fast travels first, works with the field office ==
* Nissa asks for records of the infection
* They don't have computers but they can send magic crows and gather the info in a few hour
* Carlos proposes having Averlyth check out the water until the water isn't that fucked up
* Averlyth proposes infiltrating the pop up clinics and replacing the temporary cures with the permanent one
* Um regretfully informs Averlyth that the temporary cure is actually just healing from clerics, not a medicine
* Carlos proposes having a concert to dose everyone with the permanent cure, with the Cure playing
* Kanye immediately proposes breaking the game mechanic of teleportation to have Averlyth doing both healing and the searching
== The group decides to head down to the river. ==
* Averlyth uses some kind of detect magic to look at the contamination - there's all sorts of gross things in there, but there's something that's definitely poison, although very faint
* We wander up river for a couple of hours, leaving the bounds of the city hiking through the field. The traces of contamination don't seem to be changing in intensity, pointing to a possible source much further up river. Seems to confirm that it's not natural.
* A magical raven shows up that can talk, but chooses not to (Kanye: The raven peers at you in disdain). Nissa takes the scroll and thanks the bird, he sorta rolls his eye and leaves
* The scroll tells us that the initial research is that the outbreak has been happening up and down the river and that the outbreak was stronger but less numerous upstream.
* They were able to discover there were no outbreaks above the city of Elturel.
* Nissa verifies with the DM that we can't just teleport to any field office that we want to
* Kanye verifies with the DM that we didn't all just get free far-speech from the magical bracer
*
DM: I'm going to write a book called don't play D&D with engineers
* Carlos verifies with the DM that a permanent cure does not make you immune to further infections
DM: I mean, if you get penicillin after the clap, you can still get the clap, right?Steve: ....why are you asking me?
* Um reads off a possibly stolen scroll, reciting the background of eyerot and eyebright for the group in a dry doctor's voice
Averlyth: So from now on, for the couple days trip, no one drink anything until I purify itNissa: What if we bring a keg?Averlyth: I'm just offering my purification services, you don't have to take themCarlos: Got it, I'll just drink my own pee
* The group has learned that Kanye might have PTSD from Gorevan reanimating fish on the boat during the original trip away from Mulmaster
* Nissa questions how the group is supposed to expense the wagon
* Kanye questions the per diem
* DM clarifies there is no per diem or reimbursement, we're paid via access to stuff and loot
Averlyth: Do they have a limo-sized wagon?DM: They do now. There's a dude out back frantically nailing together three wagonsUm: And three horses
* The group acquires a stretched horse cart and several kegs of the finest quality ale and no fish
* The group decides to stop by the warehouse, Fort Morninglord, (couple days trip) before heading up river to the city that may be the source of the poison. The plan is for Um to steal some of the cure (again) overnight before we make our way up towards dangerous waters.
* Nothing has changed since Um's last visit. He waits until there's a gap in the patrol, then makes his way in. He sees a large stockpile of what must be thousands of doses of cure, a whole assembly line for making potions and drying racks of the herb.
* He loads up his bag of 30 doses (10 full cures) and gets out without being noticed in like 15 minutes, group has barely sat down.
* The group continues to the village of Elturel. There's couple of taverns, some inns, a church - it's more like a stop on the road rather than a trading hub.
* Averlyth goes to the river bank to detect the magic again - the poison is diluted still, but definitely stronger here. It stops just up river of the village.
Kanye: All right! Let's kill the mayor
* Kanye thinks he's drunk holy water and there's a very strong placebo effect
* Nissa pores over the research, noting that there was a spike in the infections every few days for a couple of months now, and the last one was under a week ago
* It doesn't seem like there are any obvious tracks around the river
== The group splits up in the village! ==
Carlos goes to the LO-LYF Pub
* Carlos pretends to represent a chemical company trying to figure out how to dump shit
* Everyone knows he's bullshitting, but it's just how these people talk, they get how it works. Doug the Thug (tattooed on his knuckles) with a weird ear and a scar over his eye talks to Carlos. Doug P Thug. Douglas Penelope Thug. Of the New Hampshire thugs.
* Carlos is able to find out that a bunch of local guys have been taking work at a dilapidated fort a couple days down the road, mostly ferrying chemical and drugs of some sort (no body really knows what) to and from various cities
* Carlos questions how the jobs are happening, Doug says it's mostly a word of mouth kind of thing. One of the guys was working for a buddy of his, just keeps going on and on.
* Carlos offers a pomegranate pipe for more info on how to get this job
* Doug reveals there's a crew of guys heading out in the morning for the fort, and that if you meet them on the road at sun-up, you could probably just tag along with them.
* Carlos pays the dude's tab.
* Doug: "Take her sleazy"
Nissa goes to the High-life wine & dispensary (across the street)
* The people have no idea what's going on
* The weed is very good
* Nissa gets extra weed for Carlos
Averlyth goes to the church (not a church of Bane) and unceremoniously performs some blood sacrifice and possibly graffiti
* Averlyth gets kicked out, but she didn't try to talk to anyone anyways so whatever
* Averlyth looks around for a pop-up clinic to see if she can help and possibly get info
* There are no pop-up clinics in town since it's too small, but the doctor lets her know that he's been referring people to the next town over
Um lurks quietly at the Lo-Lyf
* Saw Carlos working the room
* Continues lurking and listening
Kanye is posted at the river
* Kanye keeps a very active eye on people coming and going
* Kanye doesn't seem any nefarious types carrying a biohazard oil can or any trench coats (although it is 2 in the afternoon)
Kanye: Maybe they're just trying to figure out the permanent cure and they need help, they've been using the warehouse to try and figure it outAverlyth: They're also just poisoning peopleKanye: You're right we should just kill them all
== Carlos and Kanye decide to go for the job ==
* the others will go on the party wagon and try to stealthily trail behind them by half a day or so
* We may not actually be that stealthy, there's sorta glass rolling around on the floors and things
* Carlos spots the guy nominally in charge of these dudes, there's like 4 or 5 of them. He gives them a super complicated handshake. Guy goes "who's your friend?"
* Kanye keeps trying to raise his shield of pedigree and Carlos keeps pushing it back down
* Carlos's rental horse is Hyundae Alantra
* Kanye has a rental miniature giant horse (it's just a pony but it's fucking ripped)
* We're not sure if there's a real horse or if it's just a cardboard box cutout of a horse
* Woodhouse is making clopping noises with coconuts
* Carlos and Kanye ride up to the front gate of the fort in the morning. They're welcomed in, recognized as friends of Doug the Thug.
* Nissa, Averlyth and Um are aways down the road. Um knows of a clearing up on a bluff with a view down on the fort, so we park the wagon and sober up.
* "Professor" Proctor comes out of the fort. There's a squad of maybe 12 guys (the group that came in is like 5 or 6 dudes, plus some dudes that were already in the fort or came up this morning). It becomes clear that they have these freelance jobs on a regular basis - some of these guys look like they've been here bunch of times.
* Proctor rattles off some instructions, for shipments, notes that there's a secret mission. Carlos volunteers for it, Doug the Thug says Carlos is a cool dude, Proctor says both Carlos and Kanye go with him, everyone else goes out and makes their delivers to Fresnius.
* Not Fresno, a neighborhood in Neverwinter
* Nissa has sobered up and was watching the guard rotation and stuff; she's guessing there's maybe about 15 guards in the place, not counting the thugs that just rolled in for assignments. A guard in the tower, guards patrolling the perimeter, etc, guards likely sleeping in the barracks.
* Carlos and Kanye are led into Warehouse #1 - on one side of the warehouse is an enormous stack of padded crates containing cures (some of the guys are taking them and loading them onto horse carts). Near the middle of the warehouse there's sort of an assembly line production going on where dudes who are obviously junior alchemists are processing the herb and bottling it up, etc. There are drying racks, etc. Everything Um told us already
* The alchemist takes the two of them to the far side where there is a smaller lab, which seems to contain about a gallon of a sickly green fluid in a receptacle hooked up to an apparatus. He takes it off, stoppers it and hands the two of them a letter and the gallon of sickly green fluid. The letter has a set of instructions telling them to bring the gallon all the way back to Elturel and depositing it at a very specific time for maximum potency.
* On the way out of the fort, Carlos is looking around for any opportunities to place traps or leave backdoors open. Before he knows what's going on, Kanye has shoved the jug of poison into Carlos's arms and made a running start for Warehouse #2.
* He makes it to the doors and slams straight into the sliding barn doors
* The three start heading down the hill as soon as they see a large figure barreling towards the warehouse
* Carlos pretends he doesn't know him and keeps walking
* Kanye doesn't knock himself out but he is knocked flat on his ass for a second
*
*
Carlos, yelling to the nearest guard: It's okay, he thought he saw a puppy
* The guards don't know what to make of it because 1) It doesn't look like an attack, and 2) He hurt himself in the process
* Kanye starts yelling about puppies
* Carlos asks if there are puppies in the warehouses
* The guard says he should leave
* Carlos and Kanye communicate through fartie talkies that they're okay - Averlyth, Nissa and Um head back up to the wagon, and then the group reconvenes.
* Averlyth is able to confirm that the poison is the concentrated shit that was seen in the river.
== Significant group brainstorming ==
* Plans to contact the authorities to arrest Taldic Lawrey
* Carlos and Kanye will go confront TL
* Nissa, Averlyth and Um will stand by at the fort
* If he confesses to the poisoning plan, let the drake guard take it from there. Then, Nissa, Averlyth and Um can attack the fort, going for the cures and the alchemists at the same time (no chance for them to escape)
* If he doesn't confess, then follow him to the house
* If it turns out he's not the big bad........... will figure out then
Carlos: Yeah, and then we'll just call off the sting by farting into the fartie talkiesAverlyth: You realize that the fartie talkie does the farting, not us?Carlos: Ohhhh I've been using it wrong this whole time