The Wolf of Wharf Street/Transcript

OPENING SEQUENCE
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is laying down on the couch. He is wearing a leg brace and his leg is elevated onto the coffee table.)
Olsen Benner: (on the television): It's been called "the Beast of the Bay," "the Monster of the Marina," and "the Wonder Wolf." But whatever you call it, it's allegedly extremely dangerous and allegedly out for blood, wreaking alleged havoc on our quiet little community, allegedly. And it seems to be scaring the trick-or-treaters out of town this year on what promises to be a foggy night. Meanwhile, the alpaca has gone missing from the Wonder Wharf petting zoo. 
(Calvin and Felix Fischoeder enter the frame)
Olsen Benner: I'm here with Calvin and Felix Fischoeder. Could the alpaca have been a victim of this so-called "Wonder Wolf?"
Felix: (on the television, nervously) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sure the alpaca just went on a little walkabout.
Calvin: (on the television) Yes, that checks out. The town is perfectly safe. All the little children should go out trick-or-treating ---
Felix: (nodding) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Calvin: -- and then come spend their parents' money -- I mean, some to Wonder Wharf and, well, you know.
Olsen Benner: If you are braving the local streets for treats, parents are advised to accompany their kids just in case this beast is more than a rumor.
Calvin: (grabbing the microphone from Olsen Benner) It's not!
Felix: Ooooooooh. No.
(Linda walks out of her and Bob's bedroom and into the living room. She is dressed as Cher, with a badge on her jacket.)
Linda: (singing) Guess who's comin' in the room with the fancy costume?
Bob: (chuckling) Um, what are you?
Linda: I'm a Cher-iff. Get it? Like Cher, but a sheriff.
Bob: Hmmm.
(Linda reaches for the handcuffs in her pocket and pulls them out.)
Linda: I got handcuffs, a badge, and a body that just refuses to age. (gasps) Oh, I love her. "Snap out of it!"
Bob: (confused) Hmmm?
Linda: From the movie.
Bob: (disinterested) Mm.
Linda: You know, if you weren't on a bunch of pain pills, you'd be cracking up right now. I think those are making you less fun. (picks up the bottle of Bob's pills off the table and examines it) Probably a side effect. See? "Take with food. Can cause hallucinations and diarrhea."
Bob: Well, I don't have either of those except diarrhea, so give me one.
Linda: Fine, but just one. You get weird on pain pills. 
Bob: Mm.
Linda: Remember the time you thought the rug was making fun of you? Or the time you took nighttime aspirin and you ended up peeing in the blender? You almost ruined that smoothie, Bob.
Bob: First of all, I do not remember any of that. Second, you should've thrown that smoothie out if that ever happened. And third, what am I supposed to do if I'm in pain? The-the pills are great for that. So -- (clicks tongue) -- give me my drugs, officer.
Linda: (hands him a pill) Okay. If you want to be a paranoid Patty. 
(Doorbell rings)
Bob: (startled) Ah! What was that?
Linda: (walks to go answer the door) The doorbell. Calm down.
Bob: Right, right. Doorbell.
Linda: (yelling from off-screen) Coming! Hold your candy corns!
(Bob takes his pill)
(Door opens and Teddy laughs from off screen.)
Teddy: (from off-screen) Oh, a Cher-iff. Oh, that is great.
(Scene cuts to a few seconds later when Linda and Teddy have come up the stairs back into the living room. Teddy is wearing a nurse Halloween costume that was clearly not what he ordered.)
Linda: Doesn't Teddy look hot?
Teddy: I thought I ordered a "scary nurse," but I guess I clicked on "sexy nurse" instead. Sometimes the universe decides, you know? Anyway, Nurse Teddy is here to take care of you, Bob. 
Bob: (confused) Uh, Linda, what is he talking about?
Linda: I told you, Bob, I have to go out trick-or-treating with the kids just in case the imaginary wolf is real. Teddy's gonna keep an eye on you. (accusatory) You aren't very good on those crutches, mister. (to Teddy, slightly under her breath) He fell down twice today trying to go to the bathroom. 
Bob: (scoffs) I'm fine, Lin.
Teddy: I'll help him get into the bathroom, no problem. You can count on me. I'll even hold your penis if you need me to, Bob.
Bob: I don't need you to hold my penis, Teddy.
Teddy: Well, then I can just, you know, I can just prop it up for you. Use a broom handle or a dustpan or something. 
Bob: I guess a spatula would work. 
Teddy: Great, uh, (looks around) where's the spatulas?
Bob: I'm joking, Teddy. I don't need you to hold my penis up with a spatula. 
Teddy: (moves to sit on the sofa next to Bob) Right, right, I knew that. So, how'd you mess your knee up, anyway?
Bob: It's a long story.
FLASHBACK - INTERIOR - Bob and Linda's Bedroom, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is going through his closet. He is only wearing his underwear. He hold up a pair of black and white striped pants.)
Bob: Hey, my old chef pants! I love these. (starts to put them on) I wonder if I can still get into them. (grunts and attempts to slide them up his legs.)
(Bob falls to the floor with a thud)
Bob: Ow! Ow! (wimpers in pain)
FLASHBACK ENDS - PREVIOUS SCENE RESUMES
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
Teddy: So not that long a story?
Bob: Noooooo, I guess not.
(Gene sings fanfare from off-screen and then enters the living room. He is wearing a bunch of purple balloons and a green hat with a toilet paper roll taped on top)
Gene: Get ready for your favorite fruity boy, Gene!
Linda: Ooh, grapes.
Gene: (correcting her) Handsome grapes.
Linda: Sorry, handsome grapes.
(Louise enters the room wearing black pants, an orange button up, a navy blue jacket and a brown wig on top of her ears. She has fashioned a captive bolt stunner out of a water bottle and a thin tube.)
Linda: Hey, hey, you're The Monkees. (confused) Peter, maybe? With an oxygen tank?
Louise: No, Mom, I'm the guy from "No Country for Old Men."
Linda: Ooh, a hunky killer. The best kind, huh?
(Tina enters the room wearing Linda's clothes and zombie makeup.)
Linda: Ooh Tina's a zombie (confused) wearing my clothes for some reason.
Tina: Yeah, I'm a Mom-bie.
Linda: But you don't look like a mom in those clothes. You look fun and youthful.
Tina: In these jeans? No I look like a mom.
Linda: Young, fun mom. 
Louise: Well, enough chitchat. We're burning precious candy time. See you sometime before dawn.
(The Belcher kids start to walk towards the stairs.)
Linda: (heading into Bob and Linda's bedroom) Okay, let me just go spray my hair one more time and then I'm ready.
Louise: (craning her neck to see into Bob and Linda's bedroom) Why would you need to go spray your hair for us to go trick-or-treating?
Linda: (from off-screen) Because I'm coming with you.
Louise: Uh, no?
Gene: Sorry, Mother. You must be (points to himself and his sisters) this young to ride the trick-or-treat train.
Tina: Yeah, maybe you should trick-or-treat with some friends your own age, Mom. 
Louise: Tonight's about fun. You don't bring a mom to a fun fight. 
Linda: (walking out of Bob and Linda's bedroom) What? I'm fun. (closes the bedroom door) Plus, I got to protect you from that wolf that's terrorizing the town, but probably isn't real. Ugh, I'd be so embarrassed if you kids got eaten. 
Louise: (sighs) Fine. But don't try too hard. And don't try too hard at not trying too hard. 
Linda: I'm gonna be so fun, you're gonna wish I trick-or-treated with you every night. All right, let's get treatin'.
Gene: Yeah, let's turn some tricks.
Bob: Gene, don't say that. 
(Linda and the kids start to leave the room.)
Linda: Bye, bye, bye, bye. Stay out of my room.
Teddy: (yelling after her) You got it, Mrs. B. 
(Door closes)
Teddy: (turns back to Bob) So what do you want to do? You can still thumb wrestle, right? Best out of 31? 
Bob: Uh, I was just gonna watch TV, Teddy. 
Teddy: (disappointed) Okay. Or we could watch TV. Sure. 
(Bob turns on the TV.)
TV Announcer: And now, our Halloween feature, "Bosom Bloodies."
Teddy: Mmm, "Bosom Bloodies." I read the books. 
TV Announcer: And coming up at 10:00, an update on the "Wonder Wolf."
Teddy: Ooooo.
Bob: (freaked out) What was that?
Teddy: What was what?
Bob: Th-That howl.
Teddy: I just said, "Ooooo." 
Bob: (sighs) Oh. Oh, okay. 
Teddy: Jeez, you're jumpy, Bob.
Bob: (angry) You're jumpy, Bob.
EXTERIOR - Old Lady's House
(Linda and the Belcher kids are standing on the stoop of an old lady's door.)
Belcher Kids: (in unison) Trick-or-treat!
Old Lady: (handing each of the children an apple) Sorry I don't have candy. The news said that no one would be out trick-or-treating because of the wolf.
Linda: (sadly) Yeah, we heard. Kids, what do you say?
Belcher Kids: (in unison, flatly) Thank you.
(The old lady shuts her door.)
Tina: At least apples are edible. I don't know what I'm gonna do with all these twist ties from that other house.
Louise: This is bull. I want candy. I'm a kid! It's not like I can just go out and buy it whenever I want.
Linda: (half-heartedly) Well, maybe the next block will be better.
EXTERIOR - EMPTY STREET
(Linda and the Belcher kids are standing at the end of a street. The street is empty and all the houses have their lights off. Fog permeates the scene.)
Louise: Damn it! (sighs) Should we just go home and eat spoonfuls of sugar? 
Tina: I know where there's a hummingbird feeder.
Gene: I'm ready for tub and tuck in.
Linda: What? Are you kidding me? We're not Hallo-quitters, we're Hallo-winners.
Gene: But no houses are giving out candy, woman!
Linda: We don't need candy to have fun.
Louise: You shut your damn mouth.
(Linda looks across the street at a park.)
Linda: Hey! Isn't that the park where people keep seeing the "Wonder Wolf?" Why don't we go over there and find it? Searching for a wolf is a great, fun Halloween adventure. 
Tina: I know this is going to sound crazy, but I'm scared of wolves.
Gene: Yeah, seems dangerous. That wolf would probably love to eat a plump, perfect boi like "moi."
Linda: Come on. Are you guys coming? (teasingly) Or are you too scared?
(Linda starts to cross the street)
Gene: Fine, (positioning himself in between Tina and Louise) but I'm going to walk in the middle to protect my beautiful grapes and for once, I'm not talking about my testicles.
(The Belcher kids start to cross the street.) 
Louise: I guess it's kind of a good Halloween thing to do. (a white van with an orange"Wonder Wharf" decal drives slowly up the street.) But if I don't see a wolf, I want my money back.
Linda: All right!
(Calvin and Felix Fischoeder pull up next to Linda and the Belcher kids in their van.)
Calvin: Hello, Lady Bob. 
(The van stops and Calvin gets out and stands on the doorway, leaning against the top of the car and looking at Linda and the Belcher kids.)
Linda: Hey, Mr. Fischoeder. You out trick-or-treatin'? Smellin' feetin'?
Calvin: (looking around) We're out looking for our alpaca, Al. Have you seen him?
Linda: No. We're going to look for the wolf.
Calvin: (laughs uncomfortably) The wolf.
Felix: (awkwardly) Wolves aren't real, Linda.
Linda: Okay, well, we're gonna go look for one anyway because it's a fun Halloween adventure, and I'm a fun mom. 
Calvin: Well, if I were you, I'd go home and count your candy and wait for St. Nick or Satan. (gets back into the driver's seat) Whatever I-I don't... bye.
(The Fischoeders drive away.)
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is sitting on the couch in the same position as the opening scene. He is watching TV. The lights are off.)
(Eerie music starts playing. A woman screams on TV)
Bob: (gasps) Ah! Oh!
(Teddy enters the room carrying a bowl of soup.)
Teddy: Here you go, Bob. It's a cabbage soup that's supposed to (sits on couch) heal the body. I got the recipe from a pop-up ad. I just put in my social security number and there it was. 
Bob: I'm not really in a soup mood.
Teddy: That's impossible. (picks up a spoonful of soup) I-I'm gonna feed it to you. 
Bob: No, no, just give it to me --
Teddy: (interrupting him and holding the spoon close to Bob's mouth) I'm gonna feed it to you. Just --
Bob: (interrupting him) I don't want you to do that. 
Teddy: Just let me feed it to you. Here comes the helicopter. Open up your mouth, Bobby. Here it comes. 
Bob: Uh-huh.
Teddy: Traffic copter Here he comes. Oh, you got a little --
Bob: What do you mean "the traffic copter?"
Teddy: It's just -- It's a traffic copter. It's flying into your mouth here. 
Bob: Just a regular helicopter is usually the way.
Teddy: It's a traffic copter. You got a little bit of a backup here on 95 --
Bob: All right, all right, all right. 
Teddy: -- if you're traveling north --
Bob: (interrupting him) Whatever type of helicopter --
Teddy: (interrupting him, yelling) Let me do my thing, Bobby!
Bob: Fine.
(Teddy puts the spoon into Bob's mouth. Bob spits it out immediately.)
Bob: Oh. Ow! Ow! 
Teddy: What? What? What? What?
Bob: It's too hot.
(Teddy gets another scoop of soup from the bowl.)
Teddy: I'll blow on it a little but here. (blows raspberry onto the spoon)
Bob: Teddy, you're spitting on it. 
Teddy: No, I'm not. I-I'm blowing on it.
Bob: You're going -- (blows raspberry)
Teddy: This is how I blow. 
(Bob points to a bite mark on Teddy's arm.)
Bob: What's that mark on your arm?
(Dramatic flare)
Teddy: (covering up his arm) What mark? I don't -- There's no mark on my arm. 
Bob: You just covered it with your sleeve. Looks like a bite.
Teddy: No, it's not a bite. It's dry skin. You ever heard of dry skin? 
(Teddy spoons another scoop of soup into Bob's mouth. Bob immediately covers his mouth.)
Bob: (muffled) Ow! Still way too hot, Teddy!
Teddy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is like room temperature now, Bobby.
Bob: You think that's room temperature?
Teddy: Yes.
Bob: Stick your finger in it.
Teddy: Okay. 
(Teddy sticks his finger in the bowl of soup.)
(Teddy screams in pain, then Bob screams in fright.)
Teddy: It's fine. It's fine. 
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda and the Belcher kids are walking through the park. Tina is holding a flashlight to help the group see through the fog.)
Linda: Ooh, look, a bone. Must be from some animal the wolf killed and devoured. 
Tina: I think that's a hanger, Mom?
Linda: No, it's a bone. (picks up the hanger) It's a little metal bone with dry cleaning paper on it.
Louise: (defeated) This is dumb. There is no wolf. Let's just go home and trade apples with each other till we die of boredom.
(Louise and Gene start to walk away from the group.)
Gene: Yeah.
Linda: Okay, fine. (throws hanger to the ground) I tried. 
(Wolf howls)
Gene: Mmm?
Tina: Whoa. Mom, did you do that?
Linda: No. 
Gene: That did sound like one of mom's chardonnay farts.
Linda: I don't think that was a real howl. 
(Wolf howls.)
Louise: (gasps) Well, howl-lelujah. I guess the "Wonder Wolf" is real.
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK **
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda and the Belcher kids are walking slowly through the woods in the park.)
Louise: (to Linda) I got to give you credit, toots. I thought you were the mom that cried wolf, but I think this guy's the real deal.
Tina: And that's a good thing. (laughs nervously) Because we want it to be real.
Linda: (nervously) Yeah, yeah, we want it to be. Of course we do. Everyone stay close to Mommy.
Gene: Okay, I always wanted to be raised by wolves, but getting adopted by one at this age would also be cool.
Linda: Getting a little foggy out. I like it. It's nice and spooky. (laughs awkwardly)
(Wolf howls. Linda gasps.)
Tina: Whoa.
Linda: Wow...
Louise: I'm not saying I'm impressed, but I'm not not impressed. It came from over there, (points) let's go.
(Linda and the Belcher kids start to slowly head down a path in front of them.)
Linda: (singing) Going over there. It's getting kind of real. But the kids are having fun, so we're going over there.
Louise: All right, not so much singing.
Linda: Oh, sorry. 
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is sitting on the couch in the same position as the opening scene. Teddy is sitting next to him. His bite mark is visible. They are watching TV. The lights are off.)
Bob: Teddy, my knee really hurts. Ca-Can you hand me another pill?
Teddy: Uh, I don't know, Bob. Linda didn't say anything about giving you another pill. 
Bob: Yeah, well, she's forgetful. I mean, look, (looks down at coffee table) she forgot her handcuffs. 
Teddy: Yeah, I don't uh -- I don't think that's a good idea --
Bob: (talking over him) Come on, Teddy, I'm in pain.
Teddy: I don't know. How many have you had tonight? 
Bob: Maybe one and a half, or two. Are you sure you don't want one for your bite? It looks serious. 
Teddy: I-I don't need a pill for my bite.
Bob: (on edge) Wait, you said it wasn't a bite.
Teddy: (defensive) It's not. You called it that. Watch the movie, huh, Bob?
Bob: Give me a pill.
Teddy: Fine. Here, I'm gonna cut this in half. (breaks the pill in half) Eat both halves. (hands the two pill halves to Bob)
Bob: That's a weird way of regulating how much I take.
Teddy: Well, then I know you at least had two halves. 
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda and the Belcher kids are walking slowly through the woods in the park. Leaves rustle softly under their feet.)
Gene: Look at us tracking a wild animal like it's no big deal.
Tina: Yeah, I haven't had this much fun following in somebody's footsteps since I started dressing like Mom. Earlier today.
Louise: (bending down) Oh, my God, you guys. Poop.
Gene: Okay, I'll see what I can do. Short notice.
Louise: No, I think it's the wolf's poop. 
Linda: Ooo, a spooky poopy. 
Gene: (bending down) There's little bits of fur in it. 
Louise: (hushed) This was definitely not pooped by a person.
Gene: But if it was, I admire the heck out of them. 
(Loud rustling. Linda and the Belcher kids scream.)
Linda: (breathlessly) Oh God. It came right over there. 
(A bush begins rustling. Linda pauses briefly.) 
Linda: Okay, I think he's --
Tina: (interrupting her) -- or she's.
Linda: Or she's behind that bush. 
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is sitting on the couch in the same position as the opening scene. Teddy is sitting next to him, eating a bag of chips. They are watching TV. The lights are off.)
(Door creeks on TV.)
Teddy: (with his mouth full) Oh, no, no, no, don't go in there.)
(Bob starts panting anxiously. He turns to Teddy.)
(Bob begins hallucinating. He watches as Teddy's face and body stretch out larger than their normal sizes.)
Teddy: (distorted) Oh, no! You went in.
(Bob's panting continues.)
Teddy: (distorted) He went in!
(Bob's eyes focus in on the bite mark on Teddy's arm. Dramatic music swells.)
Bob: (nervously) Are-are you sure that's not a bite, Teddy? Like, from an animal?
Teddy: No. How many times I got to say it? 
Bob: Okay. Then-then wh- then what is it?
Teddy: (unconvincingly) I cut it... on my... pillow. I'm gonna go to the bathroom now. If that's okay with you. And number one, since you're so nosy.
(Teddy starts to leave the room.)
TV Announcer: Was the "Wonder Wolf" just a Wonder myth? Stay tuned after our feature presentation. 
(Bob's eyes focus on the back of Teddy's neck which is really hairy. Dramatic music swells.)
Bob: (whispers) The wolf. (freaked out) Teddy's a werewolf.
Teddy: (from the other room) What'd you say, Bob?
Bob: (calls out to Teddy) Nothing! (to himself, anxiously) He can't be a werewolf, that's crazy.
(Teddy begins growling from the other room.)
Bob: Oh, no. He's transforming. He's transforming! 
(Teddy continues growling.)
(Bob groans in pain as he starts to reposition himself to reach the coffee table.)
INTERIOR - Bathroom, Belcher Apartment
(Teddy is wrestling with his costume, trying to get it off so he can go to the bathroom. He continues "growling.")
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob groans and reaches for the handcuffs that went with Linda's costume on the coffee table.)
Bob: (strained) Oh, God. 
(Bob groans and grabs the handcuffs. They make a clinking noise as he moves them. He hides them under his shirt.)
(Teddy reenters the room.)
Bob: (out of breath) Oh, hi, Teddy. 
Teddy: You okay? You look sweaty. 
(Teddy sits back on the couch.)
Bob: (out of breath) Yeah, It's just, uh, an exciting part of the movie. I-I think something's gonna happen to somebody.
Teddy: You're probably right. 
Bob: Yeah, definitely. 
(Bob grabs the handcuffs out of his shirt and rolls to the ground with a loud thud. Teddy jumps off the couch to help him.)
Teddy: Oh, God. Oh, my God. (Teddy reaches his hand down to help Bob up.) Bob! Bob! 
(Bob reaches for Teddy's outstretched arm and handcuffs him to the leg of the coffee table.)
Bob: Gotcha! 
Teddy: (startled) Bob, What? Why? Why'd you do that?
Bob: (slowly standing up) Because you're a werewolf, Teddy. 
(Teddy grunts loudly and tries to pull himself out of the handcuffs.)
Bob: (reaching for his crutches and putting them under his arms) I heard you fighting the beast inside you. 
Teddy: (confused) What?
(Teddy continues to try to pull himself out of the handcuffs. There are slight bangs as the leg of the coffee table hits the floor.)
Bob: (yells, accusingly) You're the "Wonder Wolf!" (slightly unsure of himself) Or he bit you and you're turning into one. Or you bit him.
Teddy: Bob --
Bob: (interrupting him) Or, or however this all works.
Teddy: Bob! (grunts and pulls at the handcuffs again.) Unlock me! (grunts and pulls at the handcuffs again.) Unlock me! 
(Bob begins moving away from Teddy on his crutches, slowly.)
Teddy: You need to sit down. You need to rest your leg. Give me the keys, come on!
Bob: (slightly mocking) Oh.
Teddy: (frustrated) This isn't funny! Give me the keys.
Bob: (slightly mocking, holding the keys) Oh. These keys?
(Bob puts the keys in his mouth and tries to swallow them. He gulps loudly.)
Bob: (with his mouth full) No way. Because I'm swallowing them. 
(Bob gags and coughs. The keys come out of his mouth and fall into his hand.)
Bob: No. Wait, that's impossible. (coughs) Ugh. How do people do that in movies?
(Bob grunts softly and continues to crutch out of the room.)
Teddy: (concerned) Bob, don't try to go down the stairs. 
(Bob screams. There is a loud clattering as Bob begins to fall down the stairs.)
Bob: Ow, ow!
(Teddy grunts loudly and tries to pull himself out of the handcuffs.)
Bob: Ahh, ah!
Teddy: Are you okay? Bobby, answer me!
(Teddy grunts loudly and tries to pull himself out of the handcuffs.)
Bob: (yelling defiantly) No, I'm fine, Teddy. I only fell halfway dow--
(Bob screams. There is a loud clattering as Bob continues to fall down the stairs.)
Bob: Ow! Ow! (clattering continues) Oh, oh, God!
Teddy: Are you at the bottom of the stairs now?
Bob: Wouldn't you like to kno--
(Bob screams. There is a loud clattering as Bob falls to the landing at the bottom of the stairs.)
Teddy: Bob, talk to me! Say something!
Bob: (muffled) Don't pretend like you care about me, werewolf.
Teddy: No, Bob. No Bobby, don't leave! 
(The front door closes.)
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda and the Belcher kids are standing right next to each other, staring at the rustling bush. Gene has his arms around Linda.)
Louise: (whispering) What do we do now, Mom? 
Linda: (slowly takes her phone out of her jacket, whispering) We are gonna take a picture of the wolf on my phone, from a very, very safe distance, and then run away. 
(The bush rustles loudly.)
Gene: (whispering) Oh, God. It's rustling again. What kinds of a monster rustles this much?
(Tina moans.)
Linda: I'm gonna go over and pull the branches back. You kids stay here and take the picture, and then run away. 
(Linda slowly walks toward the bush.)
Linda: Okay, here we go. "Spooky Halloween adventure with a fun mom" on three. One, two... three.
(Linda pulls back the bush, uncovering Randy hiding behind it. Everyone screams.)
Linda: Randy?!
Louise: Dad's frenemy? 
(The Belcher kids start walking toward the bush.)
Tina: Slash filmmaker? 
Randy: Slash wolf hunter. 
Gene: Slash your fly's down.
(Randy looks down.)
Gene: Slash made you look at your ding-dong.
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK **
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda and the Belcher kids are huddled around Randy in the same location as the last scene. They are all looking at the screen on Randy's video camera.)
Randy: (pointing at the screen) The wolf is riiiiiight... there. (excitedly) Did you see it?
Gene: Uh...
Louise: No.
Linda: See what? 
Randy: The wolf. 
(The screen focuses in on Randy's playback screen on his video camera. The image is shrouded in darkness. It is impossible to see anything clearly.)
Randy: Right there. 
(The screen focuses back on the group.)
Randy: The wolf is in that shot.
Tina: The shot that's completely black?
Randy: Yes. I forgot a light, but that doesn't mean he's not there. 
Tina: Or she.
Linda: Wait. Do you really think this wolf or whatever is real? You saw it?
Randy: Oh, it's real... (less confidently) I'm pretty sure. 
Gene: I'm convinced. 
Randy: Yep. And I'm gonna be the guy who gets the footage to prove it. (excitedly) I'll be famous. I'll be "The Wolf Guy." My documentary will make millions of dollars, and I'll probably get a wife. 
Louise: Millions of dollars, huh? Randy, baby. Why don't we work out a deal? We help you get this thing on film, and then we split the money 50-50. 
Randy: Why would I want to team up with you?
Louise: (turning on the flashlight) We've got light. 
Tina: We've got gumption. 
Gene: And we all want wives, too. I'm gonna name mine "Michelle."
Linda: (apprehensively) Kids, maybe we should just let Randy find the wolf, and then we'll go see the movie when it's done. 
Randy: Well, I do need light. 
Louise: Yeah. You do.
Randy: Okay, you can help. 
Linda: (apprehensively) Um, hmm, all right. 
Randy: But I get to pick where we have the premiere. 
(The group begins walking further into the woods.)
Louise: No, you don't.
Tina: Hey, we could have it at the restaurant.
Randy: (flatly) Fine. 
Gene: But let's get it catered.
Randy: (excitedly) Ooh, yes. And a photo booth.
EXTERIOR - Ocean Avenue
(Bob is using his crutches to walk as quickly as he can down the street, away from the restaurant.)
Bob: (panting) Okay. Okay, I got to find someone to help me. Oh, that was smart of me to chain him to the coffee table. Smart of me and dumb of him. Dumb werewolf Teddy! (laughs, then pants) 
(Teddy rolls the table out the door of the Belchers' apartment and onto the sidewalk. He is panting and grunting.)
(Teddy lifts the coffee table onto his back.)
Teddy: (panting) Bob, I'm coming!
Bob: Oh, no. Oh, no. (pants)
(Teddy and Bob pant heavily as the Teddy chases after Bob.)
Teddy: (breathlessly) Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that. 
(Bob pants and gasps for breath.)
Teddy: (gasping for breath) Bobby! Bob! You can't get away, Bob. (groans) I'll find you. I'm gonna help you.
(A couple walks by Teddy who has stopped in the middle of a crosswalk for breath.)
Teddy: (to the couple, breathlessly) Good evening. Happy Halloween. I'm a nurse table, table nurse. Farewell. (laughs, then groans) 
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda, the Belcher kids, and Randy are walking slowly through the woods in the park. Leaves rustle softly under their feet.)
Linda: Maybe we should head home soon. It's getting late and we've already had so much fun. 
Louise: (scoffs) Home is for idiots. 
Gene: Yeah. We're wolf hunters now. Our old lives were garbage.
Tina: I thought mine was okay, but I see what you mean. 
Randy: Okay. Here's a wolf hunting tip. (Randy bends down) See the way these leaves are all on the ground? Probably the wolf came through here and knocked them all down. 
Louise: Aren't those just fall leaves?
Randy: Fall leaves? (chuckles) At this time of year? Don't be ridiculous.
(An animal screeches. Randy gasps.)
Louise: (quietly) What the hell was that? 
Linda: (whispering) The wolf.
Tina: (whispering) No, wolves howl. That was not a howl.
Gene: (whispering) It sounded like the noise I made when Felicity cut her hair. 
Louise: (whispering) What if this isn't just a wolf? Maybe it's a super wolf or a monster wolf. 
Linda: (gasps) A werewolf. 
(The animal screeches again.)
Louise: Well, whatever it is, is sounds like it's in there. 
(The screen cuts to a dark pathway in the woods.)
Tina: Oh, that spooky, overgrown area that looks like it's full of Blair Witches?
Louise: Yep. And we're going into that overgrown, Blair Witch tunnel. Right, Mom?
(The screen cuts back to the group.)
Linda: (apprehensively) Yeah, of course we are.
(The group starts walking very slowly down the path.)
Linda: (apprehensively) I said we were going, so we are. So, yeah, yeah. 
Gene: And with that rousing speech, we march to our deaths.
EXTERIOR - Empty Street
(Bob is still hobbling down the street with Teddy chasing behind him, carrying the coffee table on his back.)
(Bob grunts.)
Teddy: (yelling breathlessly) Bob, I'm coming! 
Bob: (chuckles quickly) I know you're coming wolf-Teddy. That's why I'm going... (Bob turns to cross the street) ... to the park. I'll hide in there.
(Bob crutches across the street.)
Bob: (to himself) Good job, Bob. Thank you.
EXTERIOR - Park
(Linda, Randy, and the Belcher kids are walking down the dark, scary trail in search of the animal that they heard screeching.)
Linda: What is this place? Huh. Is this a dead end?
(Linda reaches her hand out to a dense grouping of trees and branches.)
Randy: Don't be silly, Linda. There aren't dead ends in the woods. (Randy starts to walk forward.) You can just walk right into the -- Ow, ow, ow, ow. Okay, so it's a dead end. 
(Louise is holding the flashlight and looking around the ground with it.)
Louise: (panicked) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 
(The screen cuts to a pile of animal bones on the ground.)
(Everyone screams.)
Gene: (high-pitched) I don't like piles of bones unless they're on a plate in front of me and I'm rubbing my stomach, going "Mmm-mmm."
(The animal screeches.)
Tina: Oh, God, it's getting closer. 
Louise: Randy, get the camera ready!
(Randy fumbles with the camera and drops it.)
Louise: (yelling) Damnit, Randy!
Randy: (defensively) If you had been holding something, you would have dropped it out of fright, too, Louise.
Louise: I'm holding two things.
(The animal screeches again.)
Randy: (scared) Oh, God. 
(Tina moans.)
Linda: Kids, get behind me.
Randy: And I'll get behind them. 
Linda: Randy, no, you're a grown-up.
Randy: Not in all ways, Linda. I wear a youth large at Forever 21. 
(The screen cuts to the end of the spooky pathway where an animal is standing in shadow. The animal screeches.)
Randy: Oh, God. Oh, God. 
Gene: I'm really regretting sprinkling cinnamon and sugar on myself this morning. 
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK **
EXTERIOR- Park
(The previous scene continues where it left off.)
(The screen cuts to the animal that is slowly getting closer to the group and then cuts back to the group.)
Linda: (panicked) Oh, my God. I brought my kids out into the dark woods on purpose to look for a dangerous animal, just because I wanted you guys to think I was fun. Now I think I might have made a mistake, and it would be better if we weren't attacked by a wolf. 
Gene: (whispering) Guys, maybe if we're all just really, really quiet, the wolf will lose interest and go away.
Linda: (whispering) It's worth a try.
(Gene steps backwards into a tree and most of the balloons on his costume pop loudly. Gene yells.)
Louise: (yells) Gene!
Gene: Sorry!
Tina: If we all die, everybody, thanks for being cool.
Randy: You're welcome.
Tina: Oh, Randy. I forgot you were here. 
Linda: Okay, that's it. (grabs the flashlight and picks up a stick) Kids, you stay here. I'm going to go fight this thing.
Randy: Good idea. You go get it, Linda. 
Gene: Mother, I've never been more attracted to you. 
(Linda starts to inch forward.)
Linda: I'll fight it off as long as I can, and then when I can't fight anymore, I'll try to be hard to eat so you guys can get away. 
Gene: Okay.
Linda: Oh, my God.
(The animal leaps forward out of the shadows. It's an alpaca.)
(Everyone screams.)
Louise: What the...?
Linda: Are you freaking kidding me? 
Gene: Wolves these days, not what I remember. 
Tina: I think it's the alpaca from the petting zoo. 
Louise: So there was no wolf?
Linda: Huh, I guess not, but this guy's kind of fun. In a matted hair, lice-y kind of way. I'm gonna pet him.
(Linda moves closer to the alpaca.)
Linda: Hi, cutie. What's your --
(The alpaca screeches at her. Linda walks away quickly.)
Linda: Oh, never mind, never mind.
EXTERIOR - Park Playground.
(Bob is slowly crutching on the playground in the park, trying to hide from Teddy.)
Teddy: (yelling from off screen) Bob!
Bob: Oh, no. He found me. 
(Bob climbs up the steps on the play structure into a little alcove. He grunts and pants as he does that.)
(Rustling.)
(Dramatic music plays.)
(Bob peeks through the slats of wood to see a wolf walking through the fog.)
Bob: (quietly) Teddy?
(The wolf walks around the play structure and looks directly at Bob. It growls and bares its teeth.)
Bob: Ahh.. 
(The wolf continues growling.)
(The Fischoeders' van comes barreling into the playground. It pulls up the to wolf. Felix opens the back door of the van.)
Felix: There you are, Lulu. You naughty girl. You're gonna get daddy in trouble. (laughs) Escaping like that.
(Calvin pokes his head up over the van.)
Calvin: I told you you weren't ready to have a wolf, Felix.
Felix: (defensively) I am ready! The wolf house I was building wasn't ready. And I am not putting her up in a hotel again!
Calvin: Oh, just hurry up and put her into the van. We still have to find that damned alpaca. 
Felix: (luring Lulu into the back of the van) Come on, Lulu. I brought a Hawaiian pizza for you. 
(Lulu sniffs.)
Felix: (singsongy) Your favorite.
(Lulu whines and gets into the back of the van.)
Felix: (shutting her cage behind her) There we go. 
(Felix starts shutting the back doors.)
Felix: Go, go, go, go, Calvin.
(Felix sprints to the front seat of the car. Calvin gets back in his seat.)
Calvin: I'm going!
Felix: Yay!
(The van drives off.)
(Teddy enters the playground slowly, breathing heavily.)
Teddy: (defeated) Bob, don't run. 
Bob: (strained) Wolf.
Teddy: (breathing heavily) I know, I know, Bob. I'm a wolf. But let's go home and talk about it there, okay?
Bob: (flatly) I just saw a wolf.
Teddy: Sure, sure. You- you saw a wolf. (exasperated) You don't happen to have the handcuff keys, do you, Bobby? Huh? (pauses briefly) You know what? Never mind. I have to carry this back anyway. (grunts.)
INTERIOR - Living Room, Belcher Apartment
(Bob is sitting on the couch with his leg elevated on the coffee table. Linda is sitting next to him. Teddy is sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. Randy is sitting in a chair by the window. The Belcher kids are sitting on the floor.)
Bob: Look, I know the pills made me crazy before, but in my defense, Teddy does have a bite on his arm, and hair all over the back of his neck.
Teddy: I do have a bite. I was embarrassed to tell you that I bit myself in my sleep. I used to do it in my 20s, and then again in my 30s, and now, apparently, it's back. 
Gene: Someone needs to be swaddled. 
Tina: Or just bite your arms during the day, so you won't be as tempted at night. 
Linda: (sighs) Well, sorry, kids. This Halloween was kind of a bust. You didn't get any candy and there wasn't a wolf. 
Bob: (groans) There was. 
Linda: No. It was an alpaca. I mean, a wolf in our little town? It's crazy. This isn't Transylvania.
Louise: Yeah, but there was almost a wolf. And we thought we were gonna die. That was fun.
Linda: Wait, are you saying you had fun with me?
Gene: We're saying we had fun around you. 
Linda: That counts. 
Bob: There was a wolf. I saw it. The Fischoeders put it in their van.
Teddy: This again.
Linda: Shh, shh, shh, shh, Bob, Bob. 
Bob: (exasperated) I did see a wolf.
Randy: Hey, I believe you, Bob.
Bob: Randy, I don't want you to be offended, but I need someone other than you to believe me. 
Randy: Well, I am offended. 
Bob: Are you going home, Randy?
Randy: Not now. Now I'm staying here forever.
Teddy: Me too, (lifts his hand) because I'm handcuffed to your coffee table and you lost the keys.
Bob: I-I didn't lost them, Teddy. I threw them to the moon. It made sense at the time. 
Linda: All right. I'll get you guys some sheets and blankets. 
Bob: No, Linda. They're not staying. 
EXTERIOR - Bob's Burgers
Randy: (inside the apartment) Can I borrow some pajamas, Bob? Maybe an oversized tee?
(The alpaca is walking down the sidewalk.)
Bob: (inside the apartment) Absolutely not.
Gene: (inside the apartment) I've got your oversized tee, Randy. One question: do you like Betty Boop?
Randy: (inside the apartment) Yep.
END CREDITS
transcript added by user @seeyousoonbaboon
Category:Transcripts