How I Met Daddy Pig

How I Met Daddy Pig is the first episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. The episode shadow-dropped on December 13, 2021, and was written by .
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of Peppa Pig’s house. Peppa, George and Daddy Pig are inside watching some thrilling British television.]
Jeremy Kyle: (on TV) Alright, our next guest on our show today is-
[Mummy Pig enters the room, kicking the door down.]
Mummy Pig: YOU DIRTY BASTARD!!!
Peppa: (laughs) Mummy’s using funny words again!
Mummy Pig: Daddy Pig, I think you have some explaining to do!
Narrator: Oh dear, Mummy Pig is a bit grumpy.
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?
Mummy Pig: Don’t “eh? what?” me you bitch-ass-motherfucker, you know exactly what you’ve done this time!
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I haven’t fucking done fucking anything wrong!
Mummy Pig: You know exactly what you’ve fucking done, you fucking fucker! I’ve been through your message history with Mummy Sheep and-
Daddy Pig: It was a one-time thing, Mummy Pig!
Mummy Pig: One-time thing my ass, you bloody git! Nothing you do can unfuck the Christmas turkey now, you twat!
Peppa: Mummy, what’s a twat?
Mummy Pig: Not now, Peppa.
Narrator: Daddy Pig has slept with another woman.
Peppa: Naughty Daddy!
Daddy Pig: I was going to tell you eventually, I swear!
Mummy Pig: Of course you were! Right after you got it on with Miss Rabbit as well?
Daddy Pig: SHE ASKED ME FOR THAT AS A FAVOUR!
Mummy Pig: You know what, I’ve had enough of your bullshit, I’ve really had it. Get out.
Daddy Pig: But Mumm-
Mummy Pig: I SAID GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut to Daddy Pig sitting at a table at The Krusty Krab, with several rucksacks of his belongings, venting to Squidward.]
Daddy Pig: She’s wicked to me, she is. All I do is a little bit of adultery and she chucks me out!
Squidward: I honestly couldn’t care less, I’m just here because my lunch break isn’t long enough to go anywhere nicer. What did you say your name was again?
Daddy Pig: Pig. Daddy Pig.
Squidward: No, I meant your real name.
Daddy Pig: But that is my real name!
Squidward: Sure.
[Squidward stands up and puts his work hat on.]
Squidward: As much as I would love to stay and listen to you being obliviously selfish, I need to go put bread on the table.
[Squidward walks back to his booth. SpongeBob slides up from behind the counter with tears in his eyes.]
SpongeBob: (wipes tear and sniffs) It breaks my heart just to see people kicked out onto the streets like that.
Squidward: Oh puh-lease, he cheated on his wife, he deserves it. 
SpongeBob: Yeah! But that doesn’t mean she can just kick him out like that! I just can’t stop thinking about him… all alone… with no one to turn to… I have to go help him!
Squidward: (sigh) SpongeBob, you are the most naive imbecile in the entire ocean.
SpongeBob: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, thanks Squidward.
Squidward: Don’t mention it.
[SpongeBob walks away, and a customer walks up to Squidward.]
Squidward: You wouldn’t happen to have a gun I could borrow, would you?
[Cut to SpongeBob walking over to Daddy Pig’s table. Daddy Pig is viciously chewing on a hamburger.]
SpongeBob: Hey mister, are you… are you alright?
[Daddy Pig puts the burger down. He has ketchup and mustard stains all around his face.]
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah, I’m fine thank you. Give my compliments to the chef.
SpongeBob: Are you sure you’re alright? I mean… sorry for eavesdropping but I couldn’t help overhear your situation and... I feel very, very sorry for you sir.
Daddy Pig: My situation?
SpongeBob: Your uh… you know…
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Your homeless-ness?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh! Oh that, yeah… don’t worry about it mate, she’ll come crawling back to me any second now.
[Mummy Pig pulls up to the front of The Krusty Krab. Peppa and George are in the back of the car.]
Mummy Pig: YOU FORGOT THIS YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!!!
[Mummy Pig throws a fucking treadmill through the window.]
Mummy Pig: FUCKING TWAT!!
[Mummy Pig drives off.]
SpongeBob: You sure about that?
Daddy Pig: (sigh) No…
SpongeBob: You know… I have a place you could stay at for a while, you know, only if you want to.
Daddy Pig: Really? You’d do that?
SpongeBob: Of course! It’s the least I can do to help.
Daddy Pig: Thank you so much… um?
SpongeBob: Oh, it’s SpongeBob. And you are?
Daddy Pig: Just call me Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: Huh. Weird name.
Daddy Pig: It’s actual pretty common where I’m from.
[Bubble transition to the two approaching SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
SpongeBob: Welp, here she is!
Daddy Pig: You live in a pineapple?
SpongeBob: You have a problem with that?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know, it just seems a little… (flicks his wrist) fruity.
SpongeBob: Oh you’ll get used to it.
[The two enter. SpongeBob turns the lights on.]
SpongeBob: Gare-bear, I’m home!
[Gary slithers over.]
Gary: Meow.
[Daddy Pig screams.]
Daddy Pig: Agh! What the bloody hell is that?
SpongeBob: Oh that’s my pet snail, Gary. Say hi Gary. 
Gary: Despite making up only 13% of the population-
SpongeBob: Heh, okay Gary I think you’ve done enough talking for today.
Gary: I’m just saying-
SpongeBob: Look, we don’t wanna frighten our guest Gary. Right, Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
[Daddy Pig has a flashback of Peppa and George in Grandpa Pig’s garden, sliding along the floor with baskets on their backs pretending to be snails.]
Peppa: I’m going to eat up all Grandpa Pig’s lettuce!
Grandpa Pig: Oi! Keep off my lettuce you cheeky snails!
[Daddy Pig bursts into tears and runs into the kitchen, slamming the door.]
SpongeBob: Look what you’ve done, Gary!
[Patrick enters the pineapple, dragging Daddy Pig’s treadmill behind him.]
Patrick: Where do you want this funny running machine, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Aw, the poor little guy.
[SpongeBob knocks on the kitchen door.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? Are- are you alright?
Daddy Pig: Go away!
SpongeBob: Talking about it might make you feel better.
[Pause. Daddy Pig opens the door and walks out, tears down his face.]
Daddy Pig: I’ve lost everything! My house, my wife, my kids… my TV. I don’t know what I’m going to do, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: There, there, I’m sure you and your wife will make up soon! And then everything can go back to the way it was!
Daddy Pig: No! We’re not going to make up. I may be very stupid, and I may have a slighter bigger than normal tummy, but Mummy Pig’s never been this angry at me before!
SpongeBob: I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship before… unless you count that Krabby Patty I dated once, but I’m pretty sure couples argue all the time.
Daddy Pig: Really?
SpongeBob: I think so, our neighbor Squidward’s dated a good few people and I’ve seen him yell at every single one of them! I wonder why they all left him…
Patrick: Look, if you want help with love, I’m your man. Girls really love it when you tell them how desperate and lonely you are. And you gotta get really mad if they don’t wanna-
SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick.
Patrick: Alright, I’ll be in your bathroom if you need me.
[Patrick walks off.]
Daddy Pig: Do you- do you really think I could make things up to Mummy Pig?
SpongeBob: Of course! I mean… why not?! And until you do you can stay here as long as you need.
Daddy Pig: Th- thank you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Don’t mention it, that’s what friends are for.
Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are now friends.
SpongeBob: Wh- what? (looks around) Who said that?
Daddy Pig: Oh thank fuck you hear it too, you have no idea how long I’ve been worried for.
SpongeBob: …what?
Daddy Pig: Oh it’s just an ominous voice that follows me around wherever I go and repeats things, you’ll get used to it.
Narrator: Daddy Pig explains to SpongeBob that he hears voices.
Daddy Pig: See what I mean?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: So… what now?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Huh. I don’t know. I’m just glad everything seems to be working out for me. In fact… I think I feel a song coming on!
Gary: Oh no.
Daddy Pig: My name is Daddy Pig
And I am proud to be
Right here in my new town
With my new family
There’s old friends, and new friends, and even Scott the Woz
Scott the Woz: Hey all-
Daddy Pig: Through good times and bad times it’s true love we share
And so I’ve found a place
Where everyone will know
My bearded glasses face
This is the Daddy Pig show!
[Cut to SpongeBob in the future telling this story to his grandkids.]
SpongeBob: And that... is how I met Daddy Pig.
[Pause. SpongeBob's grandkids faint.]
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