Young Hercules (Movie Pilot) Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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This is a transcript of the dialogue of the Young Hercules (Movie Pilot), as aired, transcribed by Bryn.
== Young Hercules (Movie Pilot) ==
Narrator: In the age of gods, there was good and evil, light and darkness. Only Zeus, King of the Gods, held the power of Mount Olympus in his hand. From his might came two sons. The first son, Ares, toyed with mankind for sport and pleasure. The second chose honor, searching for his place among mortals. But his path was filled with danger - only his courage would show him the way. Before the man became the legend, before the legend became the myth, came the greatest adventure of all.
Hercules: Well, that'll keep the tourists out.
Hercules: Should have brought marshmallows.
~*~
Discord: Greetings, Ares.
Ares: Discord. How's King Aeson doing?
Discord: He grows weaker and weaker. Let me finish him off, Ares, please? I haven't killed a monarch in centuries.
Ares: No, no, no, no, sister. We need him alive a tad longer. You care to spin a wheel?
Discord: Maybe later. There's other news - about our half brother, Hercules.
Ares: Father's bastard? Haven't given him a thought in years. 
Discord: He plays in your temple, even as we speak.
Ares: Hmmm. He's probably after that urn I stole from Zeus. The little runt is trying to score points with Dad.
Discord: Not so little. He's eighteen now. Tall, exceptionally strong, and actually quite handsome. Let me go rip his face off.
Ares: No need. Oh, he can enter the cave, but he'll never exit. Remember - I designed it.
~*~
Hercules: This'll get Zeus's attention.
Hercules: Hm. Guess I beat Ares's security system.
Hercules: That is a big snake.
Hercules: That's gotta hurt. Not as much as that would've.
Hercules: Oops. Yah!
Hercules: Guess you're not so bright after all, huh?
Hercules: Ah! That's attractive.
~*~
Jeweler: Ah, ah-ah! Aaah-ah!
Jeweler: Oh! Oh no! What do I do?
Off-screen shopkeeper: ...amulets! Amulets sold here!
Iolaus: Why?
Jeweler: I don't know.
Jeweler: Help! Help, somebody! Get a doctor! No, no, get an undertaker! I'll get him, never mind! He's bleeding all over my jewels! All over my cart!
~*~
Iolaus: That is the last time I use a pig's bladder.
Cradus: A handful? Bagful? I-Iolaus, how is this fair?
Iolaus: Hey, I died for this stuff, huh?
~*~
Alcmene: What's going on?
Jeweler: Uh-uh, nothing! I mean, well, I got robbed before. Thief got half my inventory!
Alcmene: No, I mean over there.
Jeweler: Hm? Oh. Some kid stole something from the temple of Ares.
Alcmene: Hercules!
~*~
Iolaus: Later.
~*~
Alcmene: You took the property of a god?
Hercules: No! It doesn't belong to Ares. It belongs to Zeus. He stole it.
Iolaus: Don't worry. I'll take it.
Hercules: No!
Iolaus: It's mine!
Hercules: Iolaus, let go!
Hercules: Oops.
Hercules: Hold on, mother!
Alcmene: Hercules! Do something! Save Iolaus!
Alcmene: Now!
Hercules: Give me your hand!
Hercules: Hold on!
Iolaus: What are you doing up here?
Alcmene: Hercules! Get down now!
Iolaus: You heard your mom.
Hercules: Hang on!
Iolaus: Aw, you like me. You really like me.
~*~
Alcmene: Do you know the meaning of the word forbidden?
Hercules: Uh oh. Here comes the, uh, 'You're Wasting Your Life' speech, again? Mom, how was I supposed to know there was a cyclone inside of the urn?
Alcmene: Oh! When you're not staring up at Mount Olympus, you're dreaming up new schemes to get the attention of your father.
Hercules: That's not all I do.
Alcmene: Hercules, be honest with yourself! Zeus fathered you - and then abandoned you. Now, I know that hurts, and you're trying to prove yourself to him. But sometimes you jeopardize others.
Hercules: It's not intentional. Zeus doesn't care about me, so why should I spend my time thinking about him?
Alcmene: Because I know you long to take your place as his son.
Hercules: Not really.
Alcmene: You have to remember that you're half mortal.
Hercules: Yeah. Stuck between heaven and earth. I guess there's no place for me anywhere.
Alcmene: Yes, there is. To whom much is given, much is asked. You have to learn to use the powers that you have. Go to Cheiron at the Academy.
Hercules: Power? Ares has power, okay? He showed me that today. My father must be laughing at me.
Alcmene: When Iphicles left, it broke my heart. He was-
Hercules: -jealous of me, I know. Because I'm a half-god. I would give anything to be like him - an ordinary man.
Alcmene: And now I'm losing my other son. Go to Cheiron. He's wise. He'll teach you.
Hercules: Everything I need to know I can learn from you.
Alcmene: No. No, it's time.
~*~
Hercules: Excuse me.
Jason: Yeah?
Hercules: Can you tell me where I can find Cheiron?
Jason: Sure. I'm Jason.
Hercules: Hercules.
Jason: Follow me.
Jason: Cheiron should be in there somewhere.
Hercules: Thanks.
Cheiron: The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
Hercules: That's a pretty good observation. For a janitor.
Cheiron: Well, a wheel has many spokes.
Hercules: Hm. And birds have wings, dogs paws, and bulls horns, even. But you knew that.
Cheiron: Why did you come here?
Hercules: It was my mother's idea. Which frankly I'm beginning to wonder about. Now, look at these guys over here. I mean, when is that ever going to happen in real life? This is a huge waste of time.
Cheiron: Time makes all men equals, doesn't it?
Hercules: Do you always talk in riddles? Don't answer that. I'm looking for the world-famous Cheiron.
Cheiron: I'm Cheiron.
Hercules: No.
Cheiron: Yes. And you're Hercules. Son of Zeus. Alcmene's child.
Hercules: Look, no offense, but uh, I was told that, uh, you were a great warrior. I mean, what can I learn from you? I mean, how to-how to pull a chariot?
Cheiron: No offense taken.
~*~
Jason: Supper's at dusk. Lanterns out at eight. Morning bell is at four o'clock.
Hercules: Four? That's for farmers with cows.
Jason: And cadets with a purpose.
Hercules: Yeah, well, my only purpose here is to impress my father.
Jason: Oh! Well, most everyone here is the son of somebody. Is your father wealthy?
Hercules: Ah, he has resources.
Jason: Is he, uh, powerful?
Hercules: Not in the ordinary kind of way.
Jason: Politics?
Hercules: He's fairly well connected. What about your father?
Jason: Ah, he's a politician. Aeson, king of Corinth. Hey, here's your bunk.
Hercules: Oh, great. I haven't slept in a bed in weeks.
Jason: I wouldn't get too comfortable there.
Hercules: Why?
Jason: No rest during training hours. Sorry. Um, that's Alcestor, Mikos, Thamus, Liardus...
Liardus: Welcome.
Jason: ...Enyo, and now I'd like you to meet your training partner The fellow you'll be spending every minute of every day with. Hercules, this is...
Hercules: Iolaus?
Iolaus: It took you two weeks to get here? I've seen faster turtles.
Hercules: Yeah, as they passed you by on the road, I'm sure.
Iolaus: Oh, I'm laughing.
Jason: Hey guys, guys, let's hit the track, huh?
Hercules: How'd you get in here? Steal Cheiron's key?
Iolaus: No. He wants me to keep an eye on you.
Hercules: Yeah, well, with me as your training partner, you'll wish you never showed up.
~*~
Cheiron: Know your comrades. The deeper your knowledge, the greater your trust.
Iolaus: You heard the centaur. 'Knowledge brings trust.'
Hercules: Guess you don't know me well enough.
Cheiron: You can't pick up a pebble with only one finger.
Cadet: Way to go, Iolaus!
~*~
Cheiron: Know your comrade. The better your knowledge, the deeper your trust.
Iolaus: Kay, now, you heard Cheiron. Knowledge brings trust. Okay?
Hercules: Yeah. I guess you don't know me that well.
Cheiron: You can't pick up a pebble with only one finger.
~*~
Jason: The point is to be the last man standing. And remember, balance is the key.
Iolaus: Ooo. Looks like Hercules is a little off-key.
Iolaus: Balance... Is... Key! Thank you!
Cheiron: Respect all warriors, friend or foe. You're on thin ice, Iolaus.
~*~
Iolaus: Thin ice? That four-footed know-it-all. No offense. Oh man, how can you guys live like this? Really! It's everywhere.
Iolaus: What are you upset about, huh? I'm breaking you out of here too.
Hercules: Now what if he doesn't want to go?
Iolaus: Well, he'll have to live with it. Now if you'll just get out of my way.
Hercules: I don't think so, partner. I'm not taking the blame for you again.
Iolaus: Again?
Hercules: Yeah. First the twister, now tomorrow morning there's going to be a horse and a jackass missing.
Iolaus: I'm only taking the horse.
Hercules: Yeah, I know.
Iolaus: Move, or I'll give you a horseshoe tattoo.
Hercules: It's your life. Well, good luck. I'm just concerned about your well-being.
Iolaus: Well, it's the thought that counts.
Hercules: You're dead.
Iolaus: Not yet.
Iolaus: This is where I wanted to be in the first place.
Hercules: How does that taste?
Hercules: Can we help you?
Yvenna: Do I look like I need help?
Hercules: Um, we thought you were lost.
Iolaus: Yeah. This is Cheiron's Academy.
Yvenna: And you must be the grossly inept stable boys.
Hercules: Here. Let me help you with that.
Yvenna: There must be manure in your ears. I said I don't need help. Ever.
Iolaus: Oh. Well. I guess we don't even need to tell you where the guest quarters are.
Yvenna: No, because I'll be staying in the barracks. I'm a cadet.
Iolaus: A cadet? Well, you can't be a cadet. I mean, you're... you're...
Hercules: ...short.
Yvenna: Short, eh? Not only are you covered with it, you're also full of it.
Iolaus: She stepped on me.
~*~
Cheiron: You'll learn the value of the team. Surrendering yourself to the one self. Go.
Mikos: It's a girl!
Cadet: Oh yeah!
Cadet: Maybe she's somebody's sister?
Iolaus: I'm only cooperating because you didn't tell Cheiron about last night.
Hercules: Yeah, well, listen. Don't do me any favors, pal.
Yvenna: Well, well. You two clean up fairly well for manure handlers.
Hercules: Whoops. Uh, heh, sorry, I forgot. No help.
Iolaus: Right. Sorry.
Cadet: Oh yeah!
Cadet: How'd she do that?
Hercules: You know, Iolaus, she doesn't need any help.
Cheiron: Cadets! Resume the exercises!
Jason: Alright. Let's go! Come on!
~*~
Cheiron: These night sessions of yours have brought much improvement.
Hercules: You surprised me.
Cheiron: Always anticipate the unexpected. Good work, Hercules.
Hercules: This was my little secret.
Cheiron: Now it's ours. Here.
Hercules: What's this for?
Cheiron: You're ready to progress to the next level. Do it blindfolded.
Hercules: You don't ever quit, do you?
Cheiron: Never, never, never quit! Left foot forward. Right foot back. Left foot forward. Again.
~*~
Yvenna: What are you doing here? Did you follow me?
Hercules: No, I didn't! I'm taking a bath.
Yvenna: Well, I was going to bathe here.
Hercules: Well, e-excuse me. I didn't realize it was a women's only lake. I'll leave.
Yvenna: No, no, I told Cheiron I expect to be treated like one of the guys.
Hercules: Well, you're not like any guy I know, so, it's okay. I-I'll come back later.
Yvenna: Suit yourself.
Hercules: If you'll just... turn around?
Yvenna: Me? Turn my back on you? Never. Besides, um, I've been to Athens. I've seen statues. I mean, and we're both mature cadets here, right?
Runner: You there! Help me!
Hercules: What is it?
Runner: I must find Jason of Corinth! It's urgent!
~*~
Iolaus: What does it say?
Hercules: Your father's been unconscious for two weeks. Strength diminishes daily. Have tried all available medicines. Corinth is in disarray. Request immediate return.
Jason: This is unbelievable. I saw him two months ago. He was fine.
Hercules: It's best for you to return home as quick as possible.
Jason: Especially if the city is in chaos. It's my duty.
Iolaus: You mean Jason might become king?
Hercules: What's the matter with you?
Iolaus: Hey, Jase, hey, um. You're going to need advisors. And I've got my finger right on the public pulse.
Hercules: Yeah, and you'd steal it if you could.
Jason: Hey, I don't want to think about the throne now.
Hercules: Jason, I wanna go with you.
Iolaus: Yeah. I'm in. I always wanted to be a personal friend of a king. Hopefully. Well, not hopefully...
Jason: Iolaus, hey, I'm the same as I always was.
Iolaus: Yeah yeah yeah, of course. But with power.
Hercules: Jason, we don't need him.
Iolaus: Ah, yes you do.
Hercules: No, we don't.
Iolaus: Yes you do.
Hercules: No, we don't.
Iolaus: Yes, you do.
Hercules: No, we don't, but thank you for asking--
Iolaus: Yes, you do. Oh, well, excuse me mister high and mighty--
Jason: Guys! Put aside your differences, all right? 'Cause I need both of you. So let's go.
~*~
Iolaus: Jason, when you're king, we won't eat like this.
Jason: When I'm king. I don't even want to think about life without my father.
Hercules: You'll get used to it, trust me.
Jason: He's always been there for me.
Iolaus: Yeah, my dad was there for me about... three weeks out of every year. The rest of the time he was off fighting some war. I mean, I hardly recognize him out of armor.
Jason: When I was a boy, he used to take me fishing. Taught me how to wrestle. Once we even dove off the cliffs at Delos.
Hercules: Really? Wish I had that.
Iolaus: So? I never did things with my old man and look how I turned out. Anyways, it's not Amphitryon's fault he died while you were young.
Hercules: Amphitryon wasn't my father.
Iolaus: Whoa! Did your mother keep that quiet. So who's your real dad?
Hercules: It doesn't make any difference.
Iolaus: Aw, come on... do I know him?
Hercules: No.
Iolaus: Is he in the village?
Hercules: No.
Iolaus: Have I met him?
Hercules: No. I haven't even met him.
Iolaus: I guess that makes you a--
Jason: Whoa! No no no! Hey, uh, have you ever tried to see him?
Hercules: No. Maybe one of these days.
Jason: What were you thinking?
Iolaus: What? What? What did I say?
~*~
Ares: Still hanging in there, Aeson? Very noble of you. Almost... kingly.
Artisan: Lord Pelias?
Ares-as-Pelias: Uh oh.
Artisan: King Pelias? That is to say, king, when the other king is no longer the king and you are the king at last, and a good king...
Ares-as-Pelias: And?
Artisan: The work proceeds on your statue, Lord Pelias. We will be finished in two weeks' time.
Ares-as-Pelias: Two weeks?
Artisan: We are not married to two weeks. We could step it up.
Ares-as-Pelias: I had hoped to unveil it at the king's funeral... that could be any day now. Finish it quickly, or you will join the others at the gate.
Artisan: I have a cousin, he's very good, he's got a brother who is very good at this work, I could get them--
Ares: Just go!
Artisan: Yes, my lord.
Ares: Stupid, helpless, incompetent mortals.
Discord: Why do you pretend to be Aeson's long-lost brother, Pelias? Let them know you're Ares and lay waste to this place.
Ares: What, the slaughter of so many innocents? You know, it's not a bad idea. Ah, perhaps later.
Discord: Did I mention your plan is unfolding like a black rose? Jason's on his way here.
Ares: Tell me Hercules is with him.
Discord: Consider yourself told. Now let me ambush them on the road and send them packing to the Other Side!
Ares: You are such a firebrand! How easily you forget, sister. Our dear half brother cannot be killed at the hand of either one of us - by order of Zeus.
Discord: I'll do it quickly. He might never know.
Ares: Patience. If Hercules is tragically killed, along with his heroic friends, in an untimely... hideous... bloody accident...
Discord: I love it when you talk like that. And I've arranged one.
Ares: Pretty sneaky, sis. What have you done?
Discord: Only sent out the welcome wagon.
~*~
Iolaus: Are we almost there? I mean, where's the red carpet? The food? The wine? The nubile young women?
Hercules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, shut up a sec.
Iolaus: What?
Hercules: Here comes the welcoming committee.
Henchman 1: I'll kill you!
Henchman 2: Go, go, go!
Hercules: Get back, Iolaus!
Jason: Let's go! Let's go!
Iolaus: Go! Watch out!
Hercules: Back up! Back up! I've got an idea! Back up, you guys!
Hercules: Who sent you?! You better start talking - it's a bumpy road.
Henchman 2: Your uncle, Pelias.
Jason: Pelias is dead!
Henchman 2: Pelias is king!
~*~
Jason: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hercules: Jason, when was the last time you saw your uncle?
Jason: My father said he died in battle when I was a baby. That's Zandarus. That's my father's most trusted advisor.
Guard: No one in, no one out. Pelias's orders.
Guards: Yes, sir!
Hercules: Okay, I count three guys at the gate. Let's take them.
Jason: No. No, I don't want any more of my people killed.
Iolaus: Well, digging a tunnel might be a little time consuming. You guys got any of that soup left?
Hercules: Soup? Iolaus, we just ate.
Iolaus: Guys, work with me.
~*~
Iolaus: Ninety-nine goatskins of wine on the wall... Ninety-nine goatskins of-
Guard: What have we got here?
Iolaus: -wine on the wall...
Guard: He's drunk.
Iolaus: Ninety-nine goatskins of wine... ON... THE... WALL! Yeah! Yeeah!!
Guard: Go away.
Iolaus: Ooo, hey! Just the one.. two... six guys I wanted to see! Now, uh, you two, you come join me for a drink. And, uh, you two can join me as well, because those two... ARE BUYING! My hat!
Guard: Move on, or spend the night in jail. The gates are closed.
Iolaus: Come on! I love you guys, I really do! Ooo, you shouldn't have done that. Here comes lunch.
Guard: You disgusting, filthy... Huh?
~*~
Jason: Father? Father? Father... He's alive... He's alive. Father, can you hear me? Father, it's Jason.
Ares-as-Pelias: Who disturbs the king?
Jason: Jason, son of the king.
Ares-as-Pelias: My dear nephew! I'm your uncle, Pelias.
Jason: W-what have you done with my father?
Ares-as-Pelias: Done? Only summoned Corinth's finest physicians. Sadly, to no avail. We all die, Jason.
Jason: What ails him?
Ares-as-Pelias: None could say. It would take the Golden Fleece itself to save him.
Jason: The finest physicians, huh?
Ares-as-Pelias: I can understand you must be hurting, but what about my loss? Not being near my beloved brother for all this time, just to have him cruelly snatched away from me.
Hercules: Where were you?
Ares-as-Pelias: Eight years as a prisoner of war. I finally escaped, and these last twelve years I've been lost at sea.
Iolaus: That's a pretty big sea.
Jason: Why are soldiers in the city?
Ares-as-Pelias: A time of chaos. With great sadness, I had to restore order and assume the throne.
Iolaus: Yeah, well, you can cheer up, because he's here to claim his birthright.
Jason: In the name of my father.
Ares-as-Pelias: Oh, I wish your father agreed. 'I, King Aeson, being of sound mind and failing body, do hereby name as the successor to my throne my brother, Pelias.'
Jason: You forced him to write that! You forced him to write that!
Ares-as-Pelias: You call me a traitor? You attack the acting king? These are death offenses!
Hercules: You wouldn't dare!
Ares-as-Pelias: No... But I'd like to. Banishment! Escort them out of the city.
Jason: Father! Get your hands off me!
~*~
Jason: I'm not leaving my father in the hands of Pelias! Get off! You'll have to kill me!!!
Hercules: Listen! What's the most important thing right now?
Jason: Saving my father.
Hercules: Then let's save him! Let's get the Golden Fleece!
Iolaus: What's the Golden Fleece?
~*~
Jason: Impossible!
Hercules: We get back to the Academy, we'll recruit some cadets and set sail for Korsenia.
Iolaus: Korsenia?
Jason: Do you realize how many men have died trying to obtain it?
Iolaus: What's the Golden Fleece?
~*~
Jason: It can't be done, Hercules. It's a dream.
Hercules: Let's make it come true. I'd save my father if I had the chance.
Jason: You're out of your mind.
Iolaus: Guys, what is the Golden Fleece?
~*~
Hercules: It's the skin of a ram, made out of pure gold.
Iolaus: Whoa, pure gold? I'm in.
Hercules: It was sacrificed to my father by a king named Phrixis. Now, the gold is meaningless. Now, the real power of the fleece is that it can cure any illness.
Jason: Wait a second. 'Sacrificed to my father'? Are you trying to tell us that your father is Zeus? I was right. You are out of your mind.
Hercules: I swear it on the life of my mother.
Iolaus: Oh, man. Well, I see why Alcmene kept that news under her hat. You know, and all these years I just thought it was heavy weightlifting.
Hercules: Shut up.
Jason: Look. Son of a god or not, it is far too dangerous. We could be killed.
Iolaus: Oh. You know, Herc, if Jase says it can't be done, it can't be done. Next idea.
Hercules: Iolaus is just scared...
Iolaus: Hey hey hey! Don't call me a coward! Son of Zeus or not, I'll go anywhere you go!
Hercules: ...but you and I, we can pull this off. We get the golden fleece, we get rid of Pelias, and we can save your father.
Jason: And Corinth.
Iolaus: Look, the gods have to be looking after us with Hercules aboard.
Jason: If we do this, we do it right. 
Hercules: Let's do it.
Iolaus: I'm in.
~*~
Hercules: Six of us, plus Mikos and Alcestor.
Jason: Good. Provisions?
Liardus: I'm on kitchen duty.
Jason: Weapons?
Hercules: I've got mine right here.
Iolaus: I can get swords.
Jason: What about transportation?
Yvenna: My uncle owns The Argos.
Cheiron: Pair off for wrestling!
Hercules: You can get a ship?
Yvenna: Yeah. But you didn't even ask me on this mission.
Hercules: I was going to. Really.
Yvenna: Sure.
Hercules: No, I promise. You're one of the best warriors I've seen.
Yvenna: Yeah, I'd bet you'd say just about anything to get what you want right now.
Hercules: No, wait. Come with us. We need you.
Yvenna: Well, I'll think about it.
~*~
Cadet: Got the supplies?
Cadet: Yeah.
Cadet: Ready? Let's go!
Hercules: Thanks for coming.
Yvenna: I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Iolaus: I can't believe we got past horse-man.
Cheiron: That would be me, I presume. No, I won't stop you. Do what you must do. The gods go with you. Hercules! Are you doing this for purely selfless reasons? Or does Hercules, son of Zeus, have a personal agenda?
Hercules: What if I do?
Cheiron: Then you'll never succeed.
~*~
Dockworker: Get those barrels loaded!
Jason: Where is this guy? Are we going to wait around here all night?
Yvenna: Look, My uncle Argus won't let me down.
Attica: Excuse me. Coming through. Gangway!
Yvenna: Oh no.
Attica: Gangway. That's pretty funny. Gangway, get it? Gang? Captain Attica at your service.
Yvenna: Where's Uncle Argus?
Attica: Daddy couldn't make it. Scurvy. I only have a mild case of it. Only kidding! You're all in good hands. Let's go aboard! Whoa! It's okay! Everything's okay! Just doing a routine check to see if there's any leaks. Just go on aboard, don't worry about me! Just help yourself to anything on board the ship and sail it if you like it
~*~
Discord: They've set sail for Korsenia.
Ares: See, sis? Patience brings rewards. I told you Hercules would go after the fleece. He's still desperate to prove himself to Dad.
Discord: Nine cadets in all. Without Cheiron.
Ares: Perfect! Lambs to the slaughter. You know, when I think of all the heroes that I'm dispatching at once, it's... beautiful. But what to wear to the funeral?
Discord: So now I can bait the trap?
Ares: You want your brother, don't you? Well, go get him.
~*~
Hercules: You look uneasy. Seasick?
Yvenna: I wish that's what it was.
Hercules: Well, I understand. I mean, we're all scared about what lies ahead.
Yvenna: No, it's... it's more like what's been left behind. Hercules, there's... something you should know about me. I'm not what you think.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Attica: Hey, you two idlers! Yvenna, trim that jib! Hercules, swab the deck. We'll have no lay-abouts on my watch!
~*~
Iolaus: So I tell him, 'Hercules, don't touch the urn! Just don't touch it!' But does he listen? No. Instead, he drops it, and out comes this massive twister, sucks him right up! I'm thinking, 'Act fast, Iolaus! Act fast!'
Enyo: Yeah, and then what happened?
Iolaus: Jason? Why the child-size portions?
Jason: We're rationing the food. Just to be on the safe side. Thamus, you're at the wheel. Go relieve Liardus.
Enyo: So then what happened? How did you rescue Hercules from the twister?
Iolaus: Whoa. Oh, no, really... it's... So, Yvenna. The Academy. Why?
Yvenna: It's not important.
Hercules: No, we'd like to hear. 
Iolaus: Yeah. Come on.
Jason: Tell us.
Yvenna: Well... not long ago, my village was attacked by marauders. We fought hard... but many were killed and the rest remain slaves. I watched my own mother die, and I vowed to avenge her death... and free my people.
Hercules: I'm sorry.
Jason: Well, if you have your own mission, why are you with us?
Yvenna: It's personal. Once we obtain the fleece, then I'll know I'm ready.
Iolaus: Oh man, I would love to have seen how many raiders you took out. I'll bet they didn't see that coming, especially from a... from a... from a short person.
Iolaus: What? What?
Jason: Real smooth.
Iolaus: What? What? What did I do? Jase, why are you looking at me?
~*~
Hercules: Hey, um...
Yvenna: What do you want?
Hercules: I just... wanted to apologize for Iolaus. I mean, he says stupid things sometimes. He can't help it.
Yvenna: It's... it's just nerves. I'll go relieve Alcestor on the watch.
Hercules: Wait. Something's bothering you. Do you wanna talk about it?
Yvenna: It's nothing. Just never mind.
Hercules: You know, it's okay to need people. Once in a while.
Yvenna: I wasn't truthful back there. When my village was attacked... I ran and hid in the woods. From there I watched the death of my whole family. I didn't do anything. I was too afraid.
Hercules: It's the past. It's gone. Let it go. If you had stayed you would have been killed too. I'm glad you didn't.
Yvenna: If I can help get the fleece, then I'll know I’m ready to go back and free my people. I pray that the gods will forgive me.
Hercules: This time I know it'll be different.
Yvenna: I hope you're right.
~*~
Cadet: What's that sound?
Iolaus: Jason!
Cadet: Where's it coming from?
Iolaus: Jason!
Cadet: It's coming from over there!
Jason: Do you guys hear that? Thamus, what is that?
Thamus: Sounds like a woman, man.
Iolaus: Woman?!
Hercules: It's coming from the island.
Jason: That's Ithra. But it's supposed to be uninhabited.
Iolaus: Whoa! Drop anchor! Female in distress!
Hercules: We can't stop now. I'm on a mission.
Jason: We're all on a mission.
Iolaus: Okay, you keep talking. Let's take the dinghy!
Hercules: Jason, I say we press on.
Yvenna: Hercules, if that woman really needs help...
Jason: We're going ashore.
Iolaus: Whoo-hoo!
Jason: We're going ashore! Thamus and Attica, you stay aboard.
~*~
Iolaus: She's mine!
Jason: Were you shipwrecked?
Liardus: Are you hurt?
Thamus: Are you stranded?
Iolaus: Are you available?
~*~
Iolaus: Food! No more mini meals!
Enyo: Mmm. It's like no other wine!
Liardus: Yeah!
Iolaus: Thank you! Thank you very much!
Jason: I think the gods planned this.
Hercules: That's what I'm afraid of.
~*~
Hercules: Maybe I was wrong.
Yvenna: Looks like the guys are having fun...
Hercules: When in Ithra...
Liardus: It's mine!
Jason: Who are you yelling at?! I'm the leader!
Liardus: No, it's mine!
Hercules: Do you feel kinda weird? Jason!
Iolaus: Get off me!
Hercules: Iolaus! Defend yourself!
~*~
Iolaus: What happened? Last thing I remember is... you trying to run me through with your sword.
Hercules: Yeah, well, I was hoping you'd knock me out.
Iolaus: Oh, great. So if I'd missed, I would have been a shish kebab. Come on, rise and shine.
Yvenna: Hercules? My wrist... What happened last night?
Hercules: You don't remember?
Yvenna: Just the first part. You and... me... oh.
Jason: Where's that strange girl?
Hercules: Probably out looking for more victims.
Jason: We'd better get out of here. Where are the others?
Liardus: O-out there.
Hercules: Alcestor! No!
Iolaus: They're dead.
Hercules: This was what she wanted for all of us. To kill each other.
Jason: We'll bury them with the honor they deserve.
Iolaus: I knew this trip was doomed. Now we're all in jeopardy. This is all your fault, Hercules!
Hercules: Mine? You're the one who wanted to rescue her!
Iolaus: Well, you're the one who wanted the fleece!
Hercules: Yeah, for Jason's father!
Iolaus: Or for yours!
Yvenna: Iolaus, are you forgetting that because of Hercules, we're all alive?
Iolaus: Not all of us.
Jason: Hey, that's enough. Now you guys stop arguing right now.
Iolaus: The gods are angry because of him. It's like when I was almost killed in that twister - I've seen it before! I say we turn back.
Jason: We go on. For my father's sake. And for theirs.
~*~
Discord: I was this close to killing him.
Ares: But you showed admirable restraint. You never were one for flowers.
Discord: I hate losing! I hate it!
Ares: Don't you see, sister? You can never really enjoy winning if you haven't lost. I revel in the anticipation of final victory.
Discord: Oh? Hercules bests you - for the second time - and it doesn't bother you at all?
Ares: He's won a battle, a skirmish. It's like a board game. Hercules has defeated one of my lesser pieces, and my queen, whom I dearly love. I have other pieces, other moves.
Massage Girls: Ready for your massage, Lord Pelias?
Ares: She needs it more than I do.
Discord: You're so generous.
Ares: You're so high maintenance.
~*~
Yvenna: I couldn't sleep.
Hercules: Join the party.
Yvenna: Look, stop blaming yourself for what happened back on Ithra.
Hercules: Why is it that you always think you know what I think about?
Yvenna: You know, somebody told me before that once in a while it's okay to need someone.
Hercules: Cheiron warned me that doing this for a selfish reason meant failure. Because of me the whole voyage is doomed.
Yvenna: I want to avenge my family's death. That's selfish.
Hercules: No. No, you want to help people. That's noble, but it's not for me.
Yvenna: Right. The guy who saved all of us back there in the cave.
Hercules: Only from the danger I put you in.
Jason: Korsenia's off the starboard bow, we should be there by sunrise. 
Hercules: Better expect the worst.
Yvenna: Why?
Jason: Legend has it that the fleece hangs in a pagoda on the island.
Hercules: And doom awaits all those foolish enough to try and take it.
Iolaus: There was this... this huge wave! It came out of nowhere! It swept Enyo overboard... I would have gone with him, but my foot was caught in the rigging!
Hercules: Okay, get on the wheel, we can turn the boat around.
Iolaus: He's gone.
Hercules: Look, come on, we can get..
Iolaus: He's gone!
Hercules: What are you talking about?
Iolaus: He. Is. Gone!
Jason: We're not even on the island yet.
Iolaus: That's the third time you almost got me killed!
Yvenna: Well, you're still alive, so pull yourself together. Look, we all knew this was dangerous coming in.
Iolaus: Oh, I don't mind facing danger. But let it be mine. I don't want to face your demons!
~*~
Hercules: Father. I am afraid. Not for me, but for the people that I dragged along with me. Don't let them die. I'm your son, Zeus. You loved my mother once, have you none for me? Fine. Disown me. Destroy me if you will - but give me a sign that you know who I am. Answer me!
~*~
Hercules: Woah. The golden fleece. So it is true.
Iolaus: Ah, come on. I can take that with my eyes closed.
Jason: Go get it.
Hercules: Yeah. Yeah, we-we'll cover you.
Iolaus: See? What did I tell you? Piece of baklava.
Jason: What is that? An earthquake?
Talos: Give me my fleece!
Yvenna: Run! Let's get out of here!
Jason: I-I don't think he's afraid of us, guys.
Hercules: Are you kidding me? We're like mice to a cat.
Iolaus: A really, really big cat.
Talos: Give me the fleece!
Hercules: Keep moving!
Jason: What do we do?
Iolaus: Tell him he's got the wrong pagoda?
Hercules: Oh, that's funny.
Yvenna: Hey! Over here! Come and get us! Hey! 
Cadet: Watch out!
Yvenna: Take this!
Jason: Nice shot!
Hercules: That's the giant's weak spot. Right between the eyes.
Jason: Right.
Iolaus: How do we get up there?
Hercules: You don't. You bring it down.
Jason: Is he dead?
Iolaus: Yeah.
Jason: Uh oh. He's still kicking!
Iolaus: Yeah.
Talos: That hurt!
Yvenna: Hey! Is this what you want? Why don't you come and get it, you major case of bad breath?
Talos: Give me the fleece!
Hercules: Yvenna, no! The barrel, the barrel, get the barrel!
Talos: If you don't give me the fleece, I'll crush you!
Hercules: Get on!
Talos: Give it to me!
Yvenna: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Hercules: Nooo! Get on there! Get on there!
Jason and Iolaus: Whoa!
Hercules: Yvenna.
Jason: Go get the fleece. Go get the fleece!
Hercules: GO!
Yvenna: I didn't run.
Hercules: No. You're a hero.
Yvenna: Promise me.
Hercules: What? Iolaus!
Yvenna: Promise... me.
Jason: It's too late. It's too late, Hercules.
~*~
Jason: May they receive you warmly in the Elysian Fields. You died a warrior, Yvenna.
Iolaus: I'm sorry. And, also, for what I said before. About doing this for your father.
Hercules: I don't care about him, Iolaus. Or any of the damn gods. I don't care about any of it.
~*~
Discord: They're coming back.
Ares: Hmmm. A draw.
Discord: Did you hear me? The charade's over. Hercules returns with the fleece and I swear, this time? I'll kill him.
Ares: Stay out of this, Discord. Go back to Mount Olympus.
Discord: No! I don't want to!
Ares: I said, go! Now it's brother against brother. Endgame.
~*~
Jason: Leave him alone!
Ares-as-Pelias: Jason!
Jason: This will cure my father.
Ares-as-Pelias: Oh, that wass my fevent prayer.
Iolaus: Get off the bed.
Jason: Talk to me, Father. Father, it's Jason. Father? Father, can you hear me? Father, talk to me!
Iolaus: Maybe it was just a myth?
Jason: Father, live! Please, Father! Live!
Aeson: Jason. My son.
Jason: It's a miracle! From the gods!
Ares-as-Pelias: Well, the gods give, the gods take away.
Jason: Nooo!
Ares-as-Pelias: That's for killing Talos, my giant.
Hercules: Who are you?
Ares: I'm your long-lost half brother. Soon to be mourning your death.
Hercules: Ares? Why Jason?! This is between you and me!
Ares: Because you came under Father's special protection!
Hercules: The special protection of Zeus?
Ares: Himself. Get ready to rumble, little brother!
Hercules: Let the others go.
Ares: Done. And you can go as well. To the Other Side!
Hercules: I'm up for the challenge, brother.
Ares: Challenge? You're not even a diversion.
Iolaus: I'm going after Herc.
Ares: I hate that guy. Hey. I'm beginning to think you don't like me.
Hercules: What gives you that idea?
Ares: Come on!
Iolaus: Come on! Come on, Herc! C'mon, come on big guy! Pick up a pole! Come on, Herc! Come on, Herc! Come on!
Ares: You want some of this? Come on!
Iolaus: Nooooo!
Hercules: Iolaus! Iolaus, I can't see!
Ares: Don't worry, little brother. I'll be quick.
Iolaus: Herc! Hang on, buddy! Here I come!
Hercules: Iolaus?
Iolaus: Yeah, buddy.
Hercules: If you're going to be my eyes, I'd rather you face the right way.
Iolaus: Okay. Right foot forward. Right foot forward. Right foot more forward!!
Hercules: Never...
Iolaus: Right foot back!
Hercules: Never...
Iolaus: Whoa! Right foot out! Right foot up!
Hercules: Quit!
Iolaus: Wow! You're good!
Ares: Now put your foot in your mouth!
Hercules: Iolaus! I can see! Jump!
Ares: Nooooo!
Iolaus: You got him, Hercules!
Hercules: Iolaus! Jump!
Ares: Nooooo! This is only the beginning, Hercules!
~*~
Hercules: Easy, easy, easy. The fleece, get the fleece! Hang in there buddy. Okay, okay.
Iolaus: Hang in there buddy, Hang in there. Did it work? It worked! Power of the fleece!
~*~
Hercules: I'm very sorry about your father, Jason. I know you'll be a good king.
Jason: I only hope to rule the way he did. Hey, maybe you'll meet your father, Hercules.
Hercules: We'll see.
Jason: Stay for the corination.
Hercules: The people of Yvenna's villiage are still suffering. I think that's what she wanted me to do.
Jason: So you do want to be a hero, huh?
Hercules: Maybe.
Jason: Maybe. Take care of yourself.
Hercules: So long, Jason.
Jason: So long, Hercules.
Hercules: What are you doing?
Iolaus: I'm coming with you.
Hercules: Heh, I don't think so.
Iolaus: There's not much future in this whole 'thief' thing. Besides... you need me. Partner.
Hercules: Partner?
Iolaus: Yeah. You can't pick up a pebble with only one finger. I'm your thumb.
Hercules: I work alone, Iolaus.
Iolaus: Not anymore, big guy. I cover your back, you cover me. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. We share everything. Except for the girls.
Hercules: What if we run into a three-headed monster? Do we share that?
Iolaus: Three-headed monster. When's that gonna happen?
Category:Scripts