Momageddon (But with Jack In it)

* [The episode begins with a far shot of the Krusty Krab. Inside, many angry customers have gathered around the register.]
* Customers: [angry clamoring]
* Jack Star: Heeloo! I ASKED FOR MY ORDER 30 MINTUES AGO!
* Mr. Krabs: [comes out of his office] Huh? [sees everyone, Squidward is reading a magazine with headphones on; he pushes the customers away and takes his headphones off] What's the meaning of this, Mr. Squidward?
* Squidward: [puts magazine down] Don't ask me. [points at kitchen window] Ask SpongeBob.
* [In the kitchen, SpongeBob's mother, Margaret, is cutting the crusts off a Krabby Patty.]
* Margaret: [humming]
* SpongeBob: Hey, um, Mom, you don't need to cut the crust off the Krabby Patty. Ha, we are making fast food.
* Margaret: [turns to him] Love takes time, darling. Now hand me a tomato so I can [waves hand] carve it into a rose garnish.
* Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [opens door, angry customers are outside] What in blue blazes is going on in-- [notices, politely] oh, hello, Mrs. SquarePants.
* Margaret: Well, hello, Eugene! [holds out patty] I'm learning how to make Krabby Patties.
* [Close-up of a patty, which has ketchup eyes and a smile, and a pickle bowtie.]
* Mr. Krabs: Oh, how lovely. Uh, may I borrow your son for just a moment? [takes Squidward to the other side of the kitchen, quieter] What is going on here, boy-o? Why is your mother in the kitchen? [shoves SpongeBob into the window] Just take a look at that crowd!
* [SpongeBob looks outside. The customers are eating the restaurant, a fish with a torch is burning the floor, and Scooter chases a kid with a knife and fork.]
* Fish: This is why I never go out to eat anymore!
* Mr. Krabs: [pulls SpongeBob in] Your mommy has no business at [points to her] my business. Send her home.
* SpongeBob: Oh, but Mr. Krabs, [pulls down calendar] the official employee calendar says it's... [the 8th day is circled, and a heart with "Mom Day" written in it and an arrow sticking through it is written on] Bring Your Mom to Work Day.
* Squidward: Ha, too bad I forgot. [waves hand] Boy, that would have been awful.
* Jack Star: Right! (Laughs) To bad it would of been "No-Man's-Day"!
* Mr. Krabs: [shivers] Oh, it shivers me timbers to think what a disaster my mom would make if she was here. [both laugh]
* Squidward, Mr. Krabs and Jack Star: [laughing]
* Betsy and Mrs. Tentacles: Ahem!
* [Mr. Krabs' mother, Betsy, and Mrs. Tentacles are standing next to Margaret.]
* SpongeBob: [walks next to Margaret] Don't you worry, fellas. I invited your moms too.
* Mr. Krabs: What? [strained] How thoughtful of you, SpongeBob.
* Jack Star: (Grabs SpongeBob) SpongeBob, Please tell me you didn't- (Bunny Arrives)
* Bunny Star: Hello Honey!
* Jack Star: (Screams) YOU DID!?!
* Bunny Star: Jack? What happened to you? (Squishing Jack's Cheek.) Last Time me and Cecil saw you, You were a Surfer boy.
* Jack Star: Hello~? Twenty Trillion Dollars? Still a Surfer Bo-ee? Also, with INSTENCE MOOD SWINGS!?!
* Mrs. Tentacles: Well, we're here, [grabs Squidward's head] so stop your horseplay and show me what you do. [walks him out]
* Squidward: Mother, you're embarrassing me. Ow, ow, ow, ow!
* Mr. Krabs: [laughs, Betsy grabs his head and spins him around, then grabs him]
* Betsy: I don't know what you're chuckling about, Eugene. There's wasted money everywhere I look! [sticks her finger in the deep fryer and tastes it] When was the last time you changed the oil in this fryer?
* SpongeBob: We change it every day, ma'am.
* Betsy: [points at him] Waste! Should be but once a year. [tastes ketchup, spits it back in] Real tomato ketchup. Waste! I bet in your latrine you use two-ply toilet paper.
* Mr. Krabs: Ha, we use [holds up one finger] one-ply.
* Betsy: As if it grows on trees. Waste! It should be half-ply. Your profits would be much higher if you stopped spending willy-nilly.
* Mr. Krabs: [looks down] Yes, Mama.
* [Cut to Squidward at the register boat. His mom comes up to him.]
* Mrs. Tentacles: Remember to smile, son.
* Squidward: [growls, forces a smile]
* Old Man Jenkins: [walks to register] Where's my food?
* Squidward: [still smiling] I'm sorry for the delay, sir. Your order will be up soon.
* Mrs. Tentacles: I didn't say lose your disdain.
* Squidward: [growls, leans forward]
* Mrs. Tentacles: And don't slouch. You'll ruin your spine.
* Squidward: I'm an invertebrate, Mother!
* Mrs. Tentacles: [duct tapes his back to a board] And no back talk.
* Squidward: [forced smile, unhappy] Yes, Mother.
* Mrs. Tentacles: Nice disdain. But save it for the customers.
* Squidward: [sighs]
* [Margaret comes out of the kitchen with a tray that has a potted flower, Krabby Patty, and fries with lettuce.]
* Margaret: [humming] Order up for Old Man Jenkins. One Krabby Patty with crust removed and one side salad.
* Old Man Jenkins: I ordered fries, not a salad!
* Margaret: The fries are in the salad.
* Old Man Jenkins: Okay, I'll try it. [takes it] But only 'cause I'm so hungry. [tastes it, spins around and is now wearing a kid outfit] Aha!
* Customers: Ooh!
* Old Man Jenkins: It reminds me of my mother's cooking when I was but a boy. I'm filled with childish glee! [giggles and skips away]
* Margaret: Mm! [smiles, walks away, revealing SpongeBob behind her back with a tray of Krabby Patties]
* SpongeBob: I made everyone's orders! [spins the tray to send Krabby Patties into customers' mouths]
* Customers: [catch food]
* SpongeBob: My mom doesn't understand fast food--not the way I do. Her cooking takes forever, because she adds love.
* Brown fish: [eating patty, then stops and tears up] You mean there's no love in this Krabby Patty? Now all I taste is the fast. [stands up on table, throws patty at Old Man Walker] I demand a refund!
* Customers: [hold up signs, angry clamoring] We want a refund!
* Mr. Krabs: [exits kitchen] Okay, that's enough. There'll be no refunds. You see, there is love here. My love for your money! [heart thumps, kisses dollar bill] Mwah. [holds bill closer] You don't want to break us up, do ya?
* Jack Star: WHAT HE SAID!
* Customers: No, we don't! / Where's the love? / Give me my money back! / No love, no purchase!
* [Mrs. Tentacles scratches her fingernail against a blackboard to get everyone's attention.]
* Mrs. Tentacles: Clearly, our sons aren't working hard enough. Believe me when I say no one is more disappointed than we, their mothers.
* Margaret: We thought we taught them better.
* Bunny Star: But they Weren't.
* Betsy: To avert this disaster, we're going to take over the restaurant and show our boys how it's done! [shakes fist]
* Mr. Krabs: But Mama!
* Betsy: Zip it! [points] And to the shame corner with you three.
* SpongeBob, Squidward, Krabs, Jack: Aww... [they walk under a sign labeled "Shame Corner".]
* Jack Star: Girls, Conner me around. [They Conner around Jack]
* Mrs. Tentacles: Now, time to spruce this place up!
* [Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab sign, which now reads "Mama Krabs Home-Style Cooking" with an illustration of Betsy holding a pie.]
* Mr. Krabs: "Mama Krabs Home-style Cooking"? [looking out window] This is gonna be a disaster. Look at what they did to me restaurant! [the interior is decorated with tiled floors, fancy curtains, and general homey decorations]
* SpongeBob: I think the place looks [hugs self] homey.
* Mr. Krabs: If I wanted [makes air quotes] "homey," [points backwards] I'd stay at home! [despairingly] This is costing me a fortune. [cash register dings]
* [Margaret comes in carrying two large stacks of plates as Betsy holds the door open.]
* Betsy: Actually, Mrs. SquarePants had all this stuff in the trunk of her boat.
* Margaret: [moves plates] A mother is always prepared!
* Mr. Krabs: [sneakily] Eventually, our moms will crash and burn. And then we'll reclaim the Krusty Krab.
* Squidward: [smiles] Looks like it's gonna happen sooner than later. Look who just [squishes SpongeBob down and points] arrived!
* [Bubble Bass knocks the door open with his stomach.]
* Squidward: Bubble Bass!
* Mr. Krabs: Every mom's nightmare!
* Jack Star: (Evilly) He'll Know what to do!
* Mama Bass: [holds out a Mermaid Man action figure] Bubby, you forgot your doll on the boat.
* Bubble Bass: Mom! It's an [takes it back] action figure, not a doll!
* Mr. Krabs: We're doomed.
* Betsy: [seating Mama Bass and Bubble Bass] Welcome to Mama Krabs'. Right this way.
* [Bubble Bass puts the Mermaid Man figure on the other open chair.]
* Betsy: [gives them menus] Here's your menus.
* Bubble Bass: Interesting. [looks at menu] We shall see if this new management can stand up to [points to self] my scrutiny. [closes eyes, holds up finger] I will have one of every-- [Mama Bass slaps his menu out of his hands] huh? Ow!
* Mama Bass: We'll both have the early-bird special.
* Bubble Bass: Mother, I'm going to get a soda. [slams fist on table and runs to soda machine, fills soda and hums happily, puts a straw in it, gets caught by a grabber] Hmm? [yelps, gets pulled back to Mama Bass with a leash, exasperated] Mooom!
* Mama Bass: [drops Bubble Bass in his seat, picks up straw] Soda straws are dangerous. You'll put your [pokes his eye with it] eye out. [puts a rubber baby bottle cap on the soda cup] Use this instead.
* Bubble Bass: [excited, gasps] Ooh! Ba-ba! [hides it] I mean, uh, so embarrassing. [burps, leans against table]
* Margaret: [walking up, holding food] Here you go!
* Bubble Bass: Ooh!
* Margaret: Two Krabby Patty casseroles. [places them, Bubble Bass and Mama Bass smile] I even cut it into bite-sized pieces.
* Mama Bass: That's just how my boy likes it.
* Margaret: Enjoy! [walks away, they start eating]
* Squidward: Of course that mama's boy would like it here.
* SpongeBob: [nervously] Uh, guys? [happy] Look!
* [Many happy customers are in the restaurant, either seated or waiting in line.]
* SpongeBob: It seems like everyone is liking it here!
* Customers: [contented chatter]
* [A man trips and spills his food, which Margaret vacuums up and gives him a new one. Mrs. Tentacles, at the register, has a half-full tip jar and spits on a napkin, then wipes a customer's cheek.]
* Mrs. Tentacles: You've got some smudge.
* Brown fish: Danke! [puts lots of money in the tip jar]
* Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it. They're a success!
* SpongeBob: Well, of course they are. Look how hard they're working.
* Squidward: I actually feel kind of guilty seeing them do all the work.
* Jack Star: Oh, that's right! Listening to your parents is VERY important! Because they're older, AND THEY KNOW STUFF!
* Bubble Bass: [drinking soda from lid] How pathetic. You four clearly don't know how to appreciate the [hugs soda cup] smothering embrace of motherly love.
* Squidward: [leans forward, grumpy] And what do you suggest?
* Bubble Bass: Are these premises equipped with a basement?
* [SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Jack, and Bubble Bass go down to the basement.]
* Mr. Krabs: All right, here we are. [turns on lights, shows a bunch of junk in the room]
* Bubble Bass: Gentlemen, I present, [grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] the fortress of solitude for [leans towards them] adult children. [jumps over the stair railing]
* Squidward: It's a junk-filled basement.
* Jack Star: (Disgusted) Ain't That right? [Dusts the cobweb off]
* Bubble Bass: Oh, you see "junk." I see-- [drapes sheet over some crates and a chest, pushes up a chair]
* SpongeBob: [gasps, bounces off couch and onto chair] A hangout lounge!
* Bubble Bass: Correct.
* Mr. Krabs: Well, it's better than the shame corner.
* Squidward: I guess.
* Bubble Bass: [relaxes on sacks] Down here, you can spend your time doing whatever you want. Reading comics, playing video games, [mimes typing something and sending it] complaining on the Internet. [dolphin chirps]
* Squidward: Your life choices are lame, but I like the overall concept. [Squidward and Mr. Krabs sit down]
* Bubble Bass: And with your mother upstairs, snacks are just a holler away.
* SpongeBob: Ooh, my mom loves to make snacks. What else can you teach us, oh [makes "OK" signs with fingers] wise sage of the [relaxes] slacker ways?
* Bubble Bass: [sits up] Alas, my time with you is at an end. [points to self] I have been a good boy, and my mother is taking me for ice cream in three, two, one... [yelps, gets pulled back by the leash] I'm ready for my ice cream, Mommy!
* Mama Bass: [leaves] Bye, girls!
* Betsy: Come back soon, you hear!
* [Cut back to SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs and Squidward in the basement.]
* Mr. Krabs: Well, I guess we can give it a try. [clears throat] Mo-om!
* [Live-action nachos fall down the screen to show SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs playing a video game. Mrs. Tentacles comes in and puts a bowl of popcorn downstairs.]
* Squidward: [groans, moves controller]
* [Squidward throws his controller and Mr. Krabs celebrates.]
* Mr. Krabs: [laughs]
* [Transition to Krabs and Squidward playing darts. Krabs throws one. SpongeBob is taped up to a dartboard with an apple on his head, and he moves his legs to avoid the dart. Transition to them all playing a fantasy board game.]
* Mr. Krabs: [calling out] Mom! Nachos!
* [Betsy comes in and brings them nachos, to their delight. Transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs having a pillow fight. SpongeBob's pillow flies and hits a pillow fort, which Squidward comes out of.]
* Squidward: Hey, watch the fort!
* [Betsy, Margaret, Bunny, and Mrs. Tentacles come down and up the stairs with various snacks as their sons call out for them.]
* SpongeBob: Mom!
* Mr. Krabs: Ma!
* Squidward: Mom!
* Jack Star: Mother~!
* SpongeBob: Mom!
* Mr. Krabs: Mom!
* Squidward: Mom!
* Jack Star: MOTHER!
* SpongeBob: Mom!
* [Margaret puts a plate of toaster pastries on a crate. Mrs. Tentacles puts a bowl of popcorn on a barrel. The moms fill cups of lemonade and put baby bottle caps over them.]
* Mr. Krabs: Mom!
* Squidward: Hey, Ma!
* Jack Star: MOTHER~!!
* [A clock fades from evening to morning. SpongeBob is sleeping on a barrel, Mr. Krabs is asleep on the couch and Squidward, who has drawings on his face, is in a sleeping bag.]
* SpongeBob: [snoring] Mom.
* Jack Star: [snoring] Mother.
* Mr. Krabs: [snoring] Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
* Squidward: [snoring] Mommy, Mommy.
* [They all wake up.]
* Mr. Krabs: I've never slept better in me life. Last night made me feel like a kid again.
* Squidward: [exhales] So that's what it's like to have a childhood.
* Jack Star: (Wipes food off his face) I never realized how young I feel now. (Laughs)
* SpongeBob: Aww, you guys are the best buddies a kid could ever have.
* Mr. Krabs: [stomach rumbles] I'm hungry. [calling out] Mom, breakfast!
* [Shot of the stairwell. It's empty, as crickets chirp.]
* SpongeBob: Guys, I think something's wrong.
* Mr. Krabs: Agreed, lad. We better go check.
* [They open the kitchen door to see a bunch of dads: fixing the clock, playing football, playing cards, napping on a recliner, carving a canoe, grilling, and hanging out with a pickup truck. One dad throws a football at his son, and a buff guy tackles him.]
* Tackled guy: [teeth fall out, raises fist] Booyah!
* Mr. Krabs: What in tarnation? Who are all these bums?
* Harold: Hey, kids!
* Cecil Star: Long time no see, Jack!
* [SpongeBob's, Squidward's, Jack's and Mr. Krabs' dads are sitting in chairs and watching TV.]
* Krabs Senior: Oh, there you are, Eugene. Go fix me one of those Krabbity Patties you're always going on about.
* SpongeBob, Squidward, Jack and Mr. Krabs: Dad?
* SpongeBob: Oh! [pulls up calendar] That's right! [on the calendar, Mom Day is crossed off and Dad Day is circled on the 9th, with an illustration of a car on it] Today is Bring Your Dad to Work Day.
* Harold: [holds out drink] Oh, uh, while you're up, son, could you refill my drink?
* Cecil Star: Can you refill my Juice Hat?
* Jeff Tentacles: [holds out bowl] And more chips for me, kid.
* Krabs Senior: Any time you're ready with that Krabbity Patty, son.
* Mr. Krabs: I want my mommy!
* Jack Star: (Faints) Ooh!
* [Mr. Krabs' eyes retract into his shell, SpongeBob sucks his thumb while whimpering, Jack Faints with his Girlfriends Sad, and Squidward assumes a fetal position as the episode concludes.]
Category:Rewritten
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Momageddon
Category:Season 14 Episodes