Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes

:Bart: You've said that three times already.
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:Marge: Well why don't you think of something?
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:Commercial Announcer: How often have you driven by a fire and thought, 'How can this benefit me?'
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:Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
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:Sideshow Mel: (after his tires are ripped) My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! (pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage")
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:Sign: Springfield Tire Fire; Now smelled in 46 states.
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:Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
:Chief Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. (gets out a shotgun and cocks it)
:Quimby: No shooting.
:Chief Wiggum: But it's already cocked.
:Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
:(Wiggum does so and laughs)
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:Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
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:Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? (gasps) M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip
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:Ralph: (with a tuba on his head) I'm C3-D2!
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:Homer: (Looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items) So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
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:Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
:Mason Fairbanks: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?
:Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.
:Mason Fairbanks: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?
:Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!
:Mason Fairbanks: Ga-whaaa?!
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:Moe: Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, banana, A-B-C-D-E-F-G, wash those June bugs off of me.
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:Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
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:Reverend Lovejoy: (heading for the toll booth) Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
:(He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry)
:Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once.
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:(Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grampa)
:Marge: See, Grampa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.
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:Grampa: So, Homer couldn't make it?
:Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
:(long pause)
:Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on?
:(pause)
:Grampa: Medium.
:(pause)
:Lisa: I would've guessed low.
:(pause)
:Grampa: You would've guessed wrong.
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Homer: Listen, I wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me.
Mason: Anything, son.
Homer: Teach me that the stove is hot.
Mason: Very well. No, Homer, mustn't touch. I said NO! Homer! All right, nap time.
Homer: But I'm not ti-re-re-re-d. coot15.mp3
es:Homer's Paternity Coot/Frases