Advice No One Asked For - Number Thirteen/Transcript

Advice No One Asked For - Number Thirteen is the thirteenth episode of Buckley's "Advice No One Asked For" series.  It is available as an audio file on his website (in the "Supplements" section), as well as on YouTube.
Description (as seen on the website): I attempt to help a woman whose boyfriend is a bit of a slob.  Or am I helping the boyfriend?
Description (as seen on YouTube): Advice No One Asked For returns, as I attempt to help a woman whose boyfriend is a bit of a slob.
==Transcript==
(introduction music playing during the following paragraph)
Welcome to "Advice No One Asked For".  The segment here at A Dose of Buckley where I dip into the mail bag and answer a question that some has asked.  Problem is, it's not my mail bag, and they didn't ask me.  Not a problem for me, of course.  Anyway, today's question comes from a woman who feels that the scales aren't tipping in her favor - literally.
Dear not Buckley,
My boyfriend has the palate of a seven-year-old (Twinkies, soda, etc.), snacks all day, and has gained fifteen pounds! I exercise five times a week for his and my benefit...and I feel cheated!  How do I get him to get in shape?
Signed...let's call her, "Sexy in Saratoga".
Well, fuck me sideways, I don't even know where to begin.  First off, seven-year-olds shouldn't be drinking soda or eating Twinkies at the rate your fat ass boyfriend is, so, if you ever let him flop on top of you without a rubber, and you have kids, don't be feeding them that shit.  However, your boyfriend I assume, is a grown man who can make his own decisions and he's decided he wants to indulge, and you want to treat him like a child and stop him.  So your real question is, "How can I change a man to suit me?"  And the answer is, you can't.  Or really, you shouldn't.  You could tell your boyfriend, "Stop shoveling chips into your mouth like a fucking disgrace and come with me to the gym!" but if he really doesn't want to do that, is that you want?  A boyfriend that's in shape but hates his life because he's doing shit he doesn't really want to do just to keep someone else happy?  In fact, maybe he's depressed, and started eating like that in the first place because he realized he's dating a controlling bitch.  And you clearly have some sort of vanity issues.  When you say you "exercise five times a week" for "his and my benefit".  He shouldn't even factor into it - no one else should!  I think you missed the idea of why people should get in shape.  Not for other people, not to look hot for someone else, they should wanna do it for themselves.  To feel better, to have more energy, and to live longer and have a better quality of life in those later years.  So, my advice to you is, to explain to him why he should want to get in shape for himself.  And then my advice to him is, once he's in shape, to tell you to fuck off so he can find a girlfriend that isn't a complete pain in the dickhole, and that'll let him eat a fucking Twinkie if he wants to.
(introductory music playing)
I'm Buckley, and you're welcome.