MST3K Intro Bloopers Season 1 Complete Full Length Version by Ethan Bruce Films Inc.

McDonald's. I'm lovin' it. I'm hatin' it. Not McDonald's, Mystery Science Theater 3000. The McDonald's is the commercial plug should be a commercial plug. Change the logo now! Coca-Cola. Do they mean the Super Bowl XLV champion, Coca-Cola? Don't remind me, Mary. I wanted Pittsburgh to win. Not Coca-Cola, Mystery Science Theater 3000. Change it! Well, what are you waiting for? Okay, okay. Don't rush me. Nike? Nike? That logo should watch its the pants. You idiot! You changed the wrong logo! Now get it right immediately! Now it's Lay's. I never eat Lay's. Hey Mr. Shield, can you make the next logo eat Lay's? As good as done, Mary. Of course, we all know Sam's Lay's is P-U. *** *** ***! That's enough! Shield, you're not going to display Lay's or Frito-Lay or even Gray's. You are under contract to display Mystery Science Theater 3000 and only Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'm giving you one last chance. That does it! Shield, you're fired! Fired!? Fired!? I have only this to say to you: Starbucks! I'm going to visit Tom and Jerry at M-G-M. If he's fired, I quit. Starbucks, Sam. *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! No, no, no! The Mystery Science Theater 3000 logo is supposed to stop when the music starts, not fly away. Let's try it again. Uh-oh! Runaway planet! He didn't want to be detected by crooks. He's a *** show-off. Now let's try the logo again. All right shield, what are you trying to do to us? I just wanted to spice things up. You should know when to stop. Now let's try the logo again. Stop the music! This is the music for other version! Now let's try it one more time. Jeez Louise! Who flipped the frame? Sorry. I hit a bump in the road. Well, that explains it. Let's break for lunch. B-backwards N-D? What the hell kind of weird-*** name is that? Looks like a Buddha. If this Buddha can bend it, who needs Beckham? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Lorimar. Where have I heard that name before? I used to date her, but she dumped me for a foreign logo. Facebook! Facebook. They bring good things to life. What is this, a commercial? You can be sure... ...if it's Westinghouse. Get out of here, Westinghouse! This is not a commercial production. What are you talking about? This is a free country, isn't it? Out out out out out! O-U-T! Out! Sam, Sam, Sam. Why must you be so rude to our guests? Shut up, you ***! Amazon. I used to own an Amazon set. I was expecting Amazon Web myself. Get out! No more commercial plugs in an MST3K TV show! Period! Apple. How do you Apple? I Apple very well. Now this is getting racy. I agree. What else could come up? The Viacom V of Doom? Oh noes! I shouldn't have said that! [POW!] [BLAM!] Jeez Louise! Did you see that? I don't believe it. The V of Doom just ran Microsoft Sam over like a steamroller. Sam? Sam? Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam. Did you get the license of that truck? Let's get Sam to a hospital. MasterCard? MasterCard? That's not right. That's wrong! It should be Mystery Science Theater 3000, not MasterCard. MasterCard makes me think of a credit card. Speak for yourself, Mike. I just used the restroom a couple of minutes ago. I can tell. I can smell it from a mile away. P-U. Now that's silly. Who ever heard of a W-W-W MST3K Planet? World War? Wild Whiskey? Weird Willie? Wolf Whistle. Do that to me, Sam, and I'll slap you! *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! Now what in the heck is a B-B-B MST3K Planet? I've heard of a B-B-B gun, but not a B-B-B MST3K Planet. BBBBBBBBBBB! I hope they get it right this time. Google? Google? I don't want tuberculosis. Computer voices never catch tuberculosis. We don't even have lungs. Tuberculosis? Eewwwwww! They'd better get it right this time, or else! Oh no! Not BP! Anything but BP! I don't care if they cleaned up their image after that oil spill! I'm never getting gasoline from BP as long as I live! You hear me? Never! Now hear this! If you diss BP one more time, I'm going to beat you up! Screw you, BP! All right, you asked for it! [BLAM!!] Sam? Sam? Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam! He's out cold, Mary. We'll have to get him to the hospital. And look at the set. It's falling apart. We'll have to put up an OUT OF ORDER sign before we get Sam to the doctor. Great idea, Mike. Now let's go. What the hell is this? There are no caption with the planet! I agree with you, Sam. Planet, go back and get some caption. Burger King? I thought McDonald's owned Burger King, not Best Brains. Burger King, McDonald's, KFC. I eat a hamburger in Burger King. Wrong logo. Change it. This is not KFC, this is Mystery Science Theater 3000. Change it. [NBC Chimes] The following program is brought to you in Living Color on NBC. Oh, how cute. I love peacocks. I don't. I'm allergic to them. Ahhh... ahhh... Ahh-CHOOOO! Gesundheit. Ah, a new house. I've always wanted to live in a NET house. Keep it up, Sam, and you'll be living in a NUT house! As for you, NET House, go back and get me the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet! NOW! Mike, why must you be such an ***? Sam, you sonofabitch, I am not a *** ***! You're a potty mouth, as well as a liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! MST3K on Honda? That'd be new. Anything would be better than that crap they drive to the car. Go! Go go go go go go go! Take it easy, Mike. It's not my fault we keep getting all the wrong logos. It could be worse, like the Screen Gems S from Hell. No no no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooo! Not that! Not the S from Hell! Let me outta here! Eeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... What's the matter with Sam? He's been terrified of scary logos. First the Viacom V of Doom, next the BP Shield, now the Screen Gems S from Hell. I think he needs professional help. I agree, Mary. Let's find him, then we'll seek out a psychiatrist. Hahahahahahahahahahah lol lol lol lol rofl rofl rofl rofl soi soi soi soi! What's so *** funny, Sam? The caption Mystery Science Theater 3000 is said came in without the planet. Hahhahahaahahahahahah! It just looks so exquisite that way. MST3K Season 4? The MST3K Season 4 logo in an MST3K Season 2 intro? They must be really ahead of their time. MST3K Season 4, this is an MST3K Season 2 and you don't come in until in Season 4. MST3K Season 5? Didn't they make shoes? I take a size 9. 1990, not 1992! Now it's the MST3K Season 6 logo. Our MST3K can be Best Brains if Sam wasn't such a grouch. That doesn't come in until 1994. Go back and bring up the proper logo. Lionsgate? That didn't even exist in 1990. And this is supposed to be Best Brains. Get out of here now! Sam, Sam, Sam, why are you such a grouch? Who asked you, ***? Stop calling me an ***, you sonofabitch! Levi's has taken over Best Brains. I guess Strouss will star in an MST3K soon. No more Strouss, my friend, and I'm giving you one more chance. The Shell the Gasoline in an MST3K! Now the Shell the Gasoline is a free car. Sorry, but Shell the couple of years ago. Gasoline substituted cyanide for Shell the gasoline and beat the snot out of the one-eyed car. And they hanged gasoline for the *** of Shell. There was not a dry eye in Sweethaven that day. Enough, all of you! And as for the idiot messing up the logos, you're fired! Now you've done it, Sam! Where are we going to find someone to man the shield? There are plenty of other fish in this ocean. They come a dime a dozen. While we're looking for a replacement, let's all go out for lunch. All right! What's going on here? Hey---you with the captions! Who, me? Yes, you. You got the caption wrong. It's either Mystery Science Theater 3000, not Scystery Mience Theater 3000. Go back and change it. Okay, boss. Tystery Mience Scheater 3000? They should have stuck with Scystery Mience Theater 3000. I agree. Sounds like tunes for me--- Scystery Mience Theater 3000. Hee hee hee hee hee! That's R-O-N-G wrong. Start over. What's this? "0003 Retaeht Ecneis Yretsym?" What the hell are you trying to do to me? I was trying to do the whole thing with mirrors. What you have is a mirror image. Go back and do it right. Well, tscha! Nobody appreciates creativity any more. Hey Sam, they finally gave you top billing. I knew they'd give Sam his due sooner or later. Only something's not right. What do you mean? I gave you your proper billing, didn't I? Not the title card you're showing now, the one before it. What's wrong with it? The caption on the planet is wrong. It should say "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Best Brains resents." It's not a mistake. Best Brains really does resent you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Why you--- [BOOM!] Take it easy, Sam. He was just teasing you. Shut up, you ***! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! 2 logos of MST3K in a TV show! How silly! 7Up! That's what I say! We need to talk. Yeah? Whatta you want to talk about, Sam? Not here. Meet me in my office in five minutes. Don't be too rough on him, Sam. He's only learning the ropes. I'm in charge and I'll do what I want. Besides, jobs like his come a dime a dozen. Cut! All right, what's going on here? Hey, you with the captions! Who, me? Yes, you. It's not supposed to be South Park; it's supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000. Change it! No, it is not an improvement, but next time, it's not Beavis and Butt-Head, it's Mystery Science Theater 3000 and get it right, capeesh? As Steve Martin used to say, well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me! Hey Mike, look at the caption! Godzilla. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's not funny, you ***! One TV show is supposed to have Godzilla and the other Mystery Science Theater 3000. Change it, or else! Tscha! I can't stand being "or elsed." What are you anyway, a comedian or something? Get it right! Now! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! "The Godfather Trilogy!" That's rich! Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah Mary, that's so funny! Ha ha ha ha ha! That does it! Caption guy, yoooooooooooou're fired! Fired? Fired? Screw you, Microsoft Sam! I'll see you in court! Take over, Mike. See if you can get it right, unlike that dime-a-dozen bum. Sorry, forgot to put the words "Mystery Science Theater 3000" above the Planet byline. I'll try again. Dang! Now I forgot the byline! I miss that dime-a-dozen bum already. Don't worry, Mike. All you need is a little more practice. Let's take a break. There, there, Sam. You're probably having one of those days. After the break, I'll see if we can get the old caption guy back before he sues us for wronngful termination. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-otch! Cut! Where's the Theater 3000? I see a Mystery Science, but no Theater 3000. All right, you ***! Where's the Mystery Science? He had to take a leak. I don't give a flying caption! Go back and get me the Mystery Science! All right, all right! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! Pepsi? What is this, a drink? Pepsi without gas? Eeewwww! Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! [Mary barfing] Not Pepsi, you fool! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Change it! NOW!! IKEA. We must be in the paint. Paint must be hiding out someplace. Not IKEA! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000! All right! Can I help it if you act childish? Sprite? I feel like I'm in a Sprite refresh. I'm all for going to the steam room when this program is over. So am I, but Sam better keep his towels dry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Shut up, you ***! And as for the planet guy, one more slip-up, and I'll have you transferred to the Pink Panther Show! Sam, Sam, Sam. What makes you act like such a grouch? That's none of your business, you ***! I am not an ***, you sonofabitch! I'm not a sonofabitch, you ***! [BUZZER] And stop razzing me! That's what I say! Planet guy, you're fired! Fired!? Fired!? I'll sue you for every cent you've got, Microsoft Sam! It will only be frivolous because I fired that dime-a-dozen bum with cause! There, there, Sam. Let me try the shield zoom. Can't be any worse than that dime-a-dozen bum. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! Liar! Uh-oh! I had the picture upside down. I'll try to fix it. Later, Mary. Let's take a break. You need a vacation, Sam. Your nerves have been bothering you lately. *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! I agree with you, Mike. He's having a bad day. Oy vey! Cut, cut, cut! The Mystery Science Theater 3000 logo isn't supposed to be Season 2, not Season 6. Sorry, Boss. I just got a little excited. You again!? I thought I fired you last episode. You did, but I filed a lawsuit against you and won, so here I am again. I see your point. Now, you better toe the line, or else! Remind me to fire my lawyers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hershey's in Mystery Science Theater 3000! I agree that it's funny, Mike. I guess we better pack our bags and move to Japan. We're not moving to Japan. Hershey's does not own Best Brains. Get me the proper logo! Now! Playboy is into Mystery Science Theater 3000 now? I can just see adults meeting Joel Hodgson. What the hell is the Playboy magazine doing in my MST3K TV show? Get out! Now! Now it's Dove that's trying to take over Mystery Science Theater 3000. This sucks! I hate Dove, you hear? I hate Dove! I hate Dove! I hate Dove! Jeez Louise! I goofed again! Have mercy! Go! Go go go go go go go! And this time, stay outta my life forever! Oh yeah? Well, try this on for size, you ***! Look, it's Pizza Hut. Those knuckleheads make me laugh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What are you anyway, a Wisenheimer? I told you to get out of my life forever. I heard you fired your lawyers, so there's no way you can kick me out of here. I'll find a way to kick you out, all right. You just try. In the meantime, chew on this! Judas Priest! It's the Screen Gems S from Hell! I hate that infernal logo so much, I wanna barf all over it! What the hell? I'll do it now! [Sam barfing] Nice try, but you're still forever banned from working here under penalty of death. Okay, Sam. If you insist on barring me from my job, I'm using my secret weapon. Take that, you meany! Oh noes! It's that infernal Viacom V of Doom! Let me outta here! Eee-yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi! Not so fast there, Microsoft Sam! I was sent here to torment you. And if you don't re-hire me, Sam, the V of Doom will torment you forever! This is all your doing, you dime-a-dozen bum! I'll never re-hire you and this infernal V of Doom will never get away with--- Eee-yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You leave Microsoft Sam alone, you ***! Do not interfere with justice, you ***! That's enough, V of Doom! For tormenting Sam and insulting Mike, I'm letting you have it! Take that, you King Daddy of scary logos! [BOOM!!] Thanks, Mary. You saved my life. Speakonia Male 1, you're re-hired. I should have known better. Just don't threaten me with scary logos again. It's a deal, Sam. [NBC Chime] Oy vey! Now it's the NBC Snake. Next, they'll say "brought to you in Living Color." Brought to you in Living Color. Now cut that out! Judas Priest! Just back on the job, and already Sam's starting in on me again! Take it easy, Sam. He's been having a rough time lately, and so have you. I guess you're right, Mike. I think we could use nice relaxing vacation. Perhaps we can go to Japan. Just kidding! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Cut! All right, planet guy, who are you trying to impress? I wanted to get a little creative. The logo is supposed to display 1991, not 1995. You'll get kids to poop in their pants. Poop in their pants? P-U! Look, Mary, it's UPS. UPS? Great! Now we can work the service uninterrupted, uncut and uncensored. I have one word for putting UPS where Best Brains would normally be: uneducated. Take back the UPS logo and get me the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption! Now! FedEx? That's nice. It used to be FedEx before it became. The FedEx meant Federation Express. Not FedEx, Mystery Science Theater 3000. Take it back and bring up the right logo. Subway. Eat fresh. Something is wrong. Yeah. That's why I sent the Subway out here. Something always goes wrong whenever Microsoft Sam shows up. You cheap sonofabitch, this is not a *** flick. Get rid of the Subway and bring up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption, or you'll be SOL. All right! Jeez Louise, you are such a grouch today! And my name is Microsoft Sam, not Jeez Louise. Calm down, Sam. You know he's trying as best he can. He's very trying, you ***! You call me an *** one more time, Sam, and I'll wipe your *** with a porcupine. Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Microsoft Mike, why don't you accept the fact that you are an *** and you can't change what you are because it's a fact you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Sam? I'm okay, Mary. I just got so pissed off at Mike for objecting to my calling him an ***. Be a little more careful who you call an ***, you sonofabitch! American Express. I take the card. I take the not card. This is not a commercial. The Walt Disney Company. I wonder if Joel Hodgson meets Mickey Mouse. I agree. What did I tell you about productions in an MST3K TV show? Sorry, Sam, I was put the logo. Get that production outta here! Now!! And if you give me one more production, I'll take you to Disneyland! Disneyland? Eeewwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww! [Mary barfing] Spanning the globe to bring you all the highlights in the Flipper. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. You fool! This is not Flipper, this is Mystery Science Theater 3000. Get me the proper logo, or I'll give you the agony of defeat! Give me a break, Sam! I've been running back and forth so much, I'm already suffering the agony of de feet. De feet hurt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! "Ha ha ha ha" yourself. Very droll joke. Oh well. Since we mentioned food earlier, let's all take a lunch break. Cut! All right, what's the big idea? Tscha! This is supposed to be an MST3K TV show, isn't it? True, but the logo is supposed to display "1992," not "1989." Go back and change it. All right, all right! Picky, picky, picky! Mystery Science Duracell? How loud do you think they are? AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Mary, you don't have to yell! Sheesh! And it's not Duracell, it's Theater 3000! Change it now! Shush the sheesh, Sam! *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! H&M. They make strong movies, don't they? Not H&M... Theater 3000. Mystery Science Walmart. One dose and you'll go MST3K. Theater 3000! Theater 3000! Theater 3000! Sorry, wrong number. Adidas? Are we on "Real Madrid" all of a sudden? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You ***! This is 1992, and "Real Madrid" doesn't come in until 1926. Correct the caption now, or I will put the shirt on Real Madrid! Sam, Sam, Sam, why must you always turn an MST3K intro into your own personal sweatshop? Quit making insubordinate comments, you ***! Tantrum coming on now. No no no no no no no no no no! Every time I try to calm Sam down, he acts like he's Genghis Khan! Well, I'm sick of this! Do you hear me? I'm sick of it! Sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [BOOM!] If I hear any more outbursts like that, it's over! No! No! No! Campbell's did not exist in 1992! Go back and get it right! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Kraft does not own Best Brains nor does it own Theater 3000! And that theme music doesn't come along until in Season 6! One more slip-up and it's the end! No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! How dare you pair rival studio logos together! This is the end! I'm not doing any more Mystery Science Theater 3000! You're all fired! Do you hear me? F-I-R-E-D! Fired! Out! Out-out-out-out-out! And don't even bother coming here expecting your jobs back, 'cause that's never gonna happen! Never never never never never! Judas Priest! What a temper! Anybody know of a good lawyer? We oughta sue Sam. If he thinks he'll get away with dumping us like this, he's got another thing coming. We'll get revenge on Sam one of these days. ASSWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What's so funny, Mike? The MST3K intro acting like a Season 8! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Season 8 are fun. I wish I watched one when I was a kid. Enough with the Season 8. I'm getting dizzy. Reebok has invaded Mystery Science Theater 3000! Looks like we're in for an invasion of sitcoms. Sam would have a royal fit if he saw this logo in an MST3K TV show. Could you try to get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption back, please? Oops! Sorry, my bad. I'll see what I can do. Now it's Pringles that's gone MST3K. I can hardly wait to see Joel Hodgson being pals with Pringles. Say good night, Pringles. Good night, Pringles. Who asked you? You're not funny and you're not Pringles! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! Olay did not take over Best Brains! What are you trying to pull? I just wanted to see what would happen if Joel Hodgson met female woman. When Microsoft Sam gets back, he's gonna hear about this and he'll give you your just deserts, but good! Judas Priest! Sam was right about you, Mike! You really are a total ***! Don't you start! I am not an ***, you sonofabitch! If Sam were here, Mike, he'd make you a member of the Liars' Club! Gatorade in MST3K! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's not funny! Change it! The North Face. Must be rabbit season. Or maybe duck season. The hunter in the sky. Maybe he's looking for Ursa Major. Perhaps he'll find her near the North Star. Toys R Us? Toys R Us? This is a TV series, not a kiddie book! Am-scray! Please, Mike, don't get all worked up over these bloopers like Sam does. That's none of your business, you ***! Microsoft Mike! I won't have you calling me a ***! Simmer down, Mary. At least he knows how I feel about these bloopers sometimes. Microsoft Sam! Back so soon? I never thought I'd say this, Sam, but thank God you've returned! So what brought you back here so soon? I took a detour and found myself in a bad place. I raced back here as fast as I could, but someone from that bad place is chasing me. And who's chasing you? So, Microsoft Sam! I've found you! Eek! It's the Devil! He's brought that Satan's Kingdom sign with him. Somebody do something! Protect me from this evil overseer of that infernal realm! Too late, Sam! You are condemned! Prepare for an eternity of pain! Oh no you don't, Satan! Take that! [BOOM!!] No no no no no no no no! Not that! Anything but that! Let me outta here! Eeee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Look at him run! He took one look at the God's Country sign and fled in terror! Sic semper evillis - thus always to evildoers. Well said, Sam. I must go now. Peace be with you. And also with you. It's great to have you back, Sam. We all missed you. And I missed you too. I have an idea: now that Sam's back, safe and sound, let's all go out for some pizza. Your RoflCopter is all set, Sam. All aboard! We're on our way to Pizza City! soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi All right! What are you, a comedian or something? What do you mean? The only thing that should in is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Caption from Season 3, not Season 1. So sue me! Sheesh! Shush the sheesh! Shishkabob! I'm warning you! All right, all right! Judas Priest! You really know how to make a guy feel like an ***! Takes one to know one. MST3K KTMA! That's "Present." That's wrong! MST3K Season 5! I love this logo so much. That's wrong! Get it right! You ***! I am not an ***! Liar! You are too! The caption "The Wiggles" does not in. Only the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption does, capeesh? I get it. Thirteen. I hope Conan's doing his Year 3000 routine tonight. Not Thirteen, Best Brains! Adult Swim. This program is charged with the bomb. I agree. If you mess with it, it might explode on you. [BOOM!!] I didn't mean it literally! Welcome to the club. This is not Walt Disney! Get that Disney Channel outta here! I kind of like Walt Disney myself. Anna! What are you doing here? I heard you were having trouble with the MST3K Intro, Sam, so I've come to help you out. Okay, Anna, I'll give you a chance. Anybody can do better than that dime-a-dozen bum. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! You are too! Oh crotch! The captions are there, but not the planet. Don't worry, Anna. You'll get the hang of it sooner or later. I guess you're right, Sam. We'll try again later. I'm all for going out to lunch. Would you like to go Dutch? I think we've been in dutch already. You are so funny, Sam! [Anna laughing] All right, you ***! What's the big idea? What do you mean? And why, in heaven's name, do you keep calling me an ***? Because I can and I said so. Get that Fanta outta here and get me the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption! Now!! Okay, you're the boss. And I am not an ***! You are too an *** and you know it! *** *** *** *** ***! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! The Clorox Company? Oh crotch! We're all out of The Clorox Company. Don't worry, Mike. I'll buy some on the way home today. Where did The Clorox Company come from? And it's not The Clorox Company, it's Mystery Science Theater 3000! Get it right or I'll spray the Clorox in your eyes! MST3K upside Season 10. MST3K art will never die. What are you, a comedian or something? You said it's supposed to be "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Yes, but not the "MST3K Season 10." All right then, I'll get a concrete one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Why does he always do this to me? I'm sick and tired of all the *** you give me! You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm sorry, Anna. I just get so sick and tired of all the *** Speakonia Male 1 gives me in these videos. It gets me so worked up and I'm always throwing tantrums. Don't worry, Sam. Just be calm like me. I'm as cool as the other side of the pillow. But not the pillow Sam drooled on last night. Sam drooled on the pillow? Gross! Eeewwwww! Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww! [Mary barfing] Wendy's. Don't they distribute hamburger, Abby? They sure do, Beulah. Next they'll send in the hamburger. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Speaking of hamburgers, if you don't get me the proper logo--- Stop calling me a hamburger! At least I didn't call him an *** that time. Watch your mouth, you sonofabitch! Look, it's Gap. He's so good. I agree, Mary. I used to service. Get that Gap outta here or I'll sic on you! Take it easy, Sam. I was only joking. I don't even have a servicer. How much does a net globe cost? I don't care. I'll give this dime-a-dozen bum one more chance. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! Sunkist. I used to drink it when I was a kid. I agree. Now you've done it! Out! Out-out-out-out-out! And don't ever come back! And this time I mean it! Next time I see you I'll jam--- [BLEEP!] Sorry I had to do that, Sam, but I just had to calm you down. That's telling him, Anna. Should we go shopping. Good idea, Mary. I have Sam's credit card with me. Let's go! Hey, planet guy! Who, me? Yes, you! You got the logo upside down! Oh really? I thought this was Microsoft. Not Microsoft, Best Brains. Get it right! YouTube. As in YouTube Video. Those were the days. Breaker 19 for a video check. Negatory, good buddy. I say Negatory to this planet. It's Mystery Science Theater 3000, not YouTube. Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! All right! Sheesh, you're such an ***, Microsoft Sam! I'm not an ***, you sonofabitch! And shush the sheesh! Sesame Street. I always wanted to PBS. You're making me thirsty. Oh, wow! I could've had a Sesame Street! Batman? Batman? I don't want Batman. I don't want it either, but if Sam got it on with me, I'd end up with Batman anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Microsoft Mary, you've got your nerve saying I give you Batman! I don't have Batman you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. I just get so pissed off by cheap jokes about my sex life. There, there, Sam. I used to feel that way, but then I got over it. If I can do it, so can you. Thanks. Now, let's see if the planet guy can get it right. M&M's. How psychedelic. I love Minis, they're so real. Hey, planet guy! Mystery Science Theater 3000! You hear? Mystery Science Theater 3000! I wish you would call me by my proper name. I'm tired of being called "planet guy." If you don't display the proper logo, you'll be called an out-of-work planet guy. Up yours, ***! I AM NOT AN ***! Calm down, Sam. This too shall pass. Converse. Converse. What's new? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, planet guy! I have a riddle for you. Knock knock. Who's there? Ama Gana. Ama Gana who? Ama Gana fire you if you don't display the proper logo! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Sheesh! SHUSH THE SHEESH! Look, Mary. Someone whitewashed the Jurassic Park. I love the movie Jurassic Park, but I also love to write dirty ones. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! PLANET GUY!! Uh-oh! I'd better vamoose! Come back here, planet guy! I hate you so much I wanna take that *** logo and beat your stupid-*** brains out! It's just human nature for me to hate guys that try to make my life a living hell--- ---especially dime-a-dozen bums like you. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR... Hey you! Who, me? Yes, you! What's the deal with this Wander Over Yonder logo being here when this is supposed to be an MST3K TV show? I thought this was going to be a Disney. This is not Disney! This is Mystery Science Theater 3000! Get me the Mystery Science Theater 3000! Now! All right! Judas Priest, you're such an ***! And stop calling me an ***, you sonofabitch! National Association of Broadcasters? Why, they produced the old "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In." That show was comedy incarnate. I wish they'd bring it back. Was "Laugh-In" a funny show? You bet your sweet bippy it was! Sock it to me! If you don't bring up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption I'll really sock it to you, but good! WebBrain, as in long-playing record. At last, a long-playing logo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Not "WebBrain" - "Mystery Science Theater 3000." ITV. I used to live on ITV when I was a kid. So did I. LH Michael and LH Michelle! You two are not allowed in this video! Get out! Out! O-U-T! Out! Hold it right there, Speakonia Male 1! Come back here! You called, Boss? Yes. I told you to bring up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption. That's your job. Who's the *** that let in all these inappropriate logos? I don't have to ask. It's you, Speakonia Male 1. What do you have to say for yourself? It wasn't me that kicked down the door, it was those crazy people, LH Michael and LH Michelle, that did it. They shouldn't have broken in here in the first place and I'm putting you on notice. Get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption in here before closing time, or else! On notice? Me? Screw you, Sam, you ***! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no! *** you, Speakonia Male 1! I'm sick and tired of your *** insubordination! If you keep screwing up the MST3K intro, you're fired! You hear me? Fired! You sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. I just get so pissed off at all these inappropriate logos invading the MST3K turf. Oh well, this too shall pass. GoAnimate. I guess we'll next be visited by GoAnimate. One more commercial plug in an MST3K TV show and I'll slap you. Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! YouTube. I guess YouTube will now start showing Mystery Science Theater 3000. YouTube presents Joel Hodgson. Made possible with a grant from A-C-M-E Carrots. If I told you once, I've told you a gazillion times, it's "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" Disney XD. It's official now: Disney and Best Brains have merged. I can see it now: Joel Hodgson meets the characters of Disney XD. No, no, no, no, no! Disney did not merge with Best Brains! You have exactly one more chance to bring the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption in here, capeesh? Sam, you're becoming a real control freak! One more insubordinate comment like that and you're a dead man! Flash. Time for an episode of Marvel Studios. You two here again? I'm calling Security! And as for you, Speakonia Male 1, you know what this means? I don't get the company car you promised me? YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED!!! Fired!? Fired!? I've got a wife, ten kids and three credit unions to support! If it takes every cent I have, Microsoft Sam, I'll sue your sorry *** so vengefully that one day you'll be working for me! Sure you will. When Hell freezes over! Don't despair, Sam. You still have the rest of us to back you all the way. I guess you're right, Anna. Let'*** the bar. It's happy hour. All the drinks are on me. Kellogg's. Can Brian Williams be far behind? Not really, Anna. I yearn for the days of the Huntley- Brinkley Report. Not a bad suggestion, RoboSoft 3. Puma. Easy as Adidas. Simple as Converse. That's nice, but you forgot the Puma to go with the animal. Whoops! Toy Story. It must be time for watch the movie. Come and listen to my story about a man named Woody. A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. No wonder they moved to Disney and Pixar. That Buzz Lightyear's got his own cement pond. That Buzz Lightyear is a toy. Any news on Sam yet? Sam won't give in. He still won't re-hire Speakonia Male 1. He's as stubborn as a Missouri mule. Look, Michelle, it's Oral-B. Oral-B are free. What country is this from? Venezuela. It's the commercial plug answer to the Procter and Gamble. Now what is this? A chocolate Dreyer's. Chocolate? I love chocolate. Take it back. Now. What's the matter, Anna? Don't you like chocolate any more? I love chocolate. They make my face break out. Now I know what Anna had for dinner last night. How's it going, chocolate-face? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [BOOM!!] Holy Schneikees! You made my face break out! Sorry about that, Mary. I just don't like being called "chocolate-face." Be careful next time. What you just did to me made me sick. Eeeeewwwww! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! [Mary barfing] Game Cube? What's a game cube? Don't you know, Mike? You roll seven-come-eleven with them. Dice. The original game cubes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Haagen-Dazs. If you can cross over, we are to be grimming. Speakonia Male 1! You're back! We missed you. Back already, Speakonia Male 1? Where's Microsoft Sam? I can explain everything. You better explain it fast. I heard that Sam's looking for you. He's got the police looking for you too. Sam and the cops are after Speakonia Male 1? I thought you were holding him hostage. I was, but Sam grabbed the gun out of my hand and started shooting at me. I hot-footed it out of there, but Sam warned me never to come here or I'd be sorry. [Siren] Uh-oh! The fuzz! If Sam sees us here, we're dead! Hide us! Quick! Aha! I thought I'd find you here! Microsoft Sam! Give me another chance! And please stop hating LH Michael and LH Michelle! Hah! That gay boy and his lesbian sister? I'm not a gay boy! And I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even from ***. Liars! Arrest them, Officer! On what charges? Criminal trespass, gross insubordination and mutiny. And make it a capital offense. Microsoft Sam! Are you out of your mind? Sorry, Anna, but justice has to be done. Officer, if you'll just hear me out for a second, I can explain everything. Go ahead. On my way in here, I stopped at the courthouse and filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against Sam. I also accused him of gross homophobia and being a control freak. This from you, a mutineer! Be quiet, Sam! Hear him out. Thanks. And not only that, I've secured a court injunction allowing LH Michael and LH Michelle to stay in these videos. Sam is never to hate them any more or call them homophobic names. All right. I won't arrest you, LH Michael or LH Michelle. And if Sam issues an apology, I won't press charges against him. Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Foiled by a broken justice system! When will they ever learn who's in charge of things here? This is a travesty, you hear me? Travesty travesty travesty travesty travesty travesty travesty travesty! [BOOM!!] Are you through, Sam? Yes, Officer. I'm sorry for the tantrum and all the trouble I've caused. Speakonia Male 1, you're re-hired. And as for LH Michael and LH Michelle, I promise never to hate you again. Can we continue with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Intro, please? Go ahead. EA? In an MST3K TV show? what next, Joel Hodgson is playing Need for Speed? Instagram? Which Instagram do they hail from? Kentucky? Virginia? Massachusetts? Nerdocrumbesia? Instagram in Nerdocrumbesia? Just kidding, Sam! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! Same old Sam. Always calls me a *** every time I get the best of him. Don't worry, Mary. This too shall pass. And how about getting the logo right for a change? Roger. The name's Microsoft Sam, not Roger. Sorry. Well, it's an improvement. All we need to do is replace the "Season 4" with a "Season 3" and we'll be on Easy Street. Not to worry, I'll try again. Not just yet. It's been a trying day and I need to get a little rest. Let's take the rest of the week off. Works for me. Me too. It sure feels good to see you back, Sam. I missed you. I missed you too, Anna. I love you. And I love you too, Sam. [Anna] Sam? Where are you? [Mike] He said he'd be a little late coming in. [Mary] He's probably lecturing the Planet Guy. [Anna] Well, we might as well get started. [Anna] Nice to drop in, Sam. What are you doing atop the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet logo? [Mary] Great entrance, Sam. Are you auditioning to be Joel Hodgson's stuntman? No, I'm not auditioning to be Joel Hodgson's stuntman. I was telling the Planet Guy to get the proper logo in here and I wound up on top of it. [Anna] Sam, you look good riding the planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Planet Guy] I told you not to sit on the planet, Sam. [Sam] Now you tell me. ***! [Mary] Now where'd Mike go? [Sam] Mike, you ***! Get off the planet! You're not Joel Hodgson. Don't call me an ***, you sonofabitch! This planet is so pointy, it hurts to sit on it. Ouch! [Anna] I think Mike looks good atop the planet, but where's Mary? [Sam] She probably went to get a drink of water. Hey, this is fun! I could feel the breeze in my hair went in. [Sam] Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] What's up, Sam? [Sam] Don't "What's up, Sam" me, you ***! Tell Mary to get off the planet... ...right now! Don't listen to Sam, Planet Guy. I love these planet rides. [Mike] I'm hip to you, Mary. [Sam] Microsoft Mike, stop encouraging people to do these crazy stunts! You are a certified first-class ***! An ***. You hear? AN ***!!! [Mike] Microsoft Sam listen to me good: I AM NOT AN ***! I NEVER WAS AN ***! I'LL NEVER BE AN *** AND I WANT YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AN ***! YOU HEAR ME? STOP CALLING ME AN *** YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!! [BOOM!!] [Speakonia Male 2] Holy Schneikees! Mike throws a tantrum in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video? [Speakonia Male 3] Usually Sam throws tantrums in these videos. [Sam] Gad! What a temper! Anna? Where's Anna? Have you seen Anna? Here I am, Sam! Mary's right. This is fun! [Sam] Anna? You're riding the planet? Yeah, but I think Mike's right when he said it needs a little smoothing out. [Sam] I'm hip to that. Hey Planet Guy, have you been charging admission to let people ride the planet? [Planet Guy] Nope. I let them ride for free. After all, you started it, Sam! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Sam] Sheesh! [Abby] Hey Beulah, this is fun! I can see clear over to Albuquerque from here. [Beulah] I agree, Abby. We should remember to take that left turn there. [Sam] Two people riding the planet at the same time? [Mike] At least that'll make riding it smoother. Hey Michelle, this has Coney Island beat by a country mile. I agree, Michael. They should name this place the Chuck Jones Memorial Park. [Sam] PLANET GUY!! [Planet Guy] You bellowed, Sam? [Sam] Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy. Did you let this gay boy and his lesbian sister in here again? Come on, Sam, give us a break. Stop hating us. We have as much a right to ride the border as the rest of you. [Sam] I don't care! You're still not allowed in here! Out! Out-out-out-out-out! [Planet Guy] Microsoft Sam! You can't keep chasing LH Michael and LH Michelle as if they were prairie dogs! You'll turn into a hate criminal if you keep this up! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Why do you keep *** up my life, Planet Guy? LH Michael and LH Michelle are unauthorized personnel! I am not a hate criminal! You hear me? I am not a hate criminal you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] [Anna] Sam? Are you all right? [Sam] I'm all right, Anna. I just get so pissed off at the Planet Guy for letting LH Michael and LH Michelle in here. He doesn't realize how much I hate their guts. [Anna] Don't be too rough on them, Sam. Just because they're different doesn't mean they're undesirable. As a personal favor, please give them a chance. Do this for me, okay? [Sam] Okay, Anna. I'll try, but it won't be easy. [Speakonia Male 2] Domino's Pizza. [Mary] I love the pizza. He's a food. [Speakonia Male 3] What's up, pizza? [Sam] If they try to sell me insurance again, it's pizza soup. Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [LH Michael] Best Buy. [LH Michelle] I love it work, all buy. [Sam] Ix-nay on the ugs-buy! [Planet Guy] Oy vey. [Planet Guy] Oops! I goofed again! I know I should be punished. Let me take off my trousers. [Speakonia Male 2] Don't bother. I think they've reached the limits on what *** probing can teach them. [Sam] Well, you're in the ballpark. This gives me an idea. Hand me the tools. Oh Sam! You are so gifted with tools. I'm glad you like it, Anna. I call it "The MST3K Logo-Mobile." I especially love these new seats. It's much more comfortable than sitting on the planet itself. It's almost lunch time. Wanna go Dutch? I'm one step ahead of you, Anna. All right. Hang on, here we go! [Beulah] Holy Schneikees! That's a real fast machine Sam's got! I wish I could ride one of those. [Abby] So do I, but Sam's only built one. [Mary] Well, at least we know where they usually have lunch. [Mike] We can join them at the commissary. [Planet Guy] May I tag along? [Mike] Only if you ride your own planet! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Planet Guy] Oh crotch. Quiet on the set. This is a take. Cue planet. I said cue planet, not the Oakley. [Planet Guy] Well, it does start with an "O". Looks like it's going to be one of those days. With Sam, every day is one of those days. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Shut up, you ***! [Mike] I am not an ***, you sonofabitch! [Sam] Liar! You are too! He's not an ***, Sam. Don't encourage him, you ***! And get me the proper logo! [Planet Guy] Roger Wilco. Prada. I used to know her in college. She must be Britney's sister. I'll spear your Prada if you don't get me the proper logo! [Planet Guy] Don't get violent, Sam! [Speakonia Male 2] Audi? What in the world is Audi? [Speakonia Male 3] That's pronounced "Audi." It's that drive that made car famous. Benny Hill? Good show, lads. [Planet Guy] Oops! Yet another logo blooper. Ah yes. Bad show, lads. Hi, Sam. Are you having trouble with the MST3K intro again? Same old song and dance. Don't worry, Sam. Let's see what comes up next. BMW. That's near BMW, isn't it? The car must smell like Teen Spirit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's not the smell of Teen Spirit. Cars used the woods for earths, and that car must have just relieved itself before coming here. You mean he just pooped? Sickening. Gross. Eeeeewwwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! [Barfing] [Jingle singers] Ajax Laundry Detergent is stronger than dirt! Ajax, stronger than dirt. I thought the ghost of Jim Morrison of the Doors just came in. We can use that to clean up the bucket after someone gets sick in this studio. What did we tell you? No commercial plugs in an MST3K TV show! Now let's get on the stick! Mercedes Benz. It must be time for "Drive a car." Danger is his business! LH Michael and LH Michelle! What are you doing here? Take it easy on us, Sam. The cops warned you not to hate us again, remember? Sam, why must you insist on hating LH Michael and LH Michelle? For Pete's sake, be nice to them, okay? Get a hold of yourself, Sam. You've got to exhibit tolerance. Keep cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! What in the blessed name of J.L. Best Brains is this world coming to when I have to tolerate people I feel like hating? It sucks, you hear me? It sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks! [BOOM!!] Calm down, Sam. They're just people like us. I'm sorry for acting that way, Anna. I guess I'm trapped in my old ways. [Anna] That's all right, Sam. You'll get over it soon. Shall we continue with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 intro now? Great idea. Hey, Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] I know. I'll bring up the proper logo. [Planet Guy] How's this, Sam? [Sam] Well, it's an improvement, but we're using the original intro version and this logo is a revised version. [Planet Guy] Give me a break, Sam. It's been a trying day. [Sam] I know the feeling. Let's all take the rest of the day off. [Anna] I'm for taking the rest of the day off too, Sam. You need some rest. I'll be right beside you. [Sam] Thanks, Anna. [Mike] Looks like they're an item. [Mary] I knew they'd get along. Places, everyone! This is a take! Roll camera! Cue the planet! All right, Planet Guy! What are you, a comedian or something? [Planet Guy] You wanted the logo, you got the logo. Yeah, but you got the logo wrong. It should be "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Louis Vuiton." Louis Vuiton. Louis what? Louis Vuiton. I thought it meant "Louis Hamilton." Shut up, you ***! Superman? That's what I say! Superman is going on here? [Planet Guy] Oops! Methinks I goofed again. Youthinks right, Planet Guy. Get it right or I'll f--- you where the sun doesn't shine! [Planet Guy] Don't get dirty, Sam! Xbox 360. I just love the Microsoft and Speakonia. Not Xbox, you ***! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! [Planet Guy] Quit calling me an ***, you sonofabitch! [Speakonia Male 2] Skype. [Speakonia Male 3] When I was little, my family called a mom on Skype. Oh really? My family used to call my mom and dad a lot. Listen up, Planet Guy! You're supposed to bring up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption and ONLY the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption! You hear me? [Planet Guy] And you listen to me, Sam! YouTube user BJ29035 demands that we include Looney Tunes Characters in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video! And Ethan Bruce says there would be copyright issues if we did that! Now get on the stick! New Balance. Programming research will never die. PLANET GUY!!! [Planet Guy] You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed! Now pay attention! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science! Mystery Science as in Wisenheimer, Theater 3000 as in Blockhead! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Now!! PLANET GUY, YO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OU'RE FIRED!!! [Planet Guy] Fired!? Fired!? Screw you, Microsoft Sam! I'm telling BJ29035 on you! Calm down, Sam. Ethan Bruce is right. If we used the Looney Tunes Characters in one of these videos, Best Brains would hit him with a copyright strike. Gee, Anna, that makes me feel a lot better. Eek! It's the Devil and the She-Devil! You're right, Beulah. Grab hold of the nearest cross. [Devil] Chill out, babes. It's not you that we've come for. [She-Devil] We've come for Microsoft Sam. You infernal beasties! You dare invade an MST3K Intro Bloopers video? We were having a lot of fun ourselves until you two evildoers showed up. We've got a good mind to call on God to drive you away. [Devil] We have a message to deliver to all of you. [She-Devil] Since Ethan Bruce refuses to include Looney Tunes Characters in these videos, we claim Microsoft Sam's soul. Get thee behind me, Devil and She-Devil! Ethan Bruce won't do it because he might get a copyright strike against him. [Devil] BJ29035 says that's all ***. [She-Devil] If Ethan Bruce still refuses to include Looney Tunes Characters, we will *** all over you. That's far enough, Devil and She-Devil! Get out of here right now, or I invoke the wrath of God! [Devil] Scandalous! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it. Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! Not again! Eeeeewwwww! Eeeeeeewwwwwww! [Barfing] You filthy animals! Eeeewwwwwww! Eeeeeewwwwwwww! [Barfing] You'll pay for this, Devil and She-Devil! Eeeeeeewwwwwwww! Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! [Barfing] Jiminy Christmas! All over my best dress! Eeewwww! Eeeeewwwwwww! [Barfing] [Devil] Look at them, covered in ***! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [She-Devil] They're so sick they can hardly move! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You've gone too far, cesspool swimmers! Take that! [BOOM!!] [Voice of God] All right, Devil and She-Devil! Now you get yours! [Devil] Not the cleaning again! [She-Devil] We can't stand having our *** cleaned! [Voice of God] Take that, dirty creatures! [Devil] Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! [She-Devil] Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Thanks again, Angel. We're cleaned up and feeling better. And we're glad those infernal goons are getting their come-uppance. A-men! You're welcome. [Planet Guy] Oh no! Not again! I know I should be punished. Don't worry. When that Devil and She-Devil let loose on me, I regretted letting you go. You're re-hired, Planet Guy. [Planet Guy] Thanks. [Anna] This is Microsoft Anna with a follow-up report on the mix-up that just took place. The Devil and She-Devil have gotten their come-uppance. And Ethan Bruce need not worry about BJ29035 abusing him for not using Looney Tunes Characters. Ethan's right about the copyright issues, BJ is wrong, and let's let it go at that. Keep watching this channel for future MST3K Intro Bloopers videos. Hey, Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] You called, Sam? What's the big idea with the Commercial Land logo? You're in the movies, not commercial. Change it now! [Planet Guy] Surely you can't be serious. [Sam] I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Minute Maid. Tonight's drink: Pulpy of orange. I agree. Mystery Science Theater 3000, not Minute Maid. Get me? [Planet Guy] Sorry about that, Chief. Lipton. Good morning, Lipton. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to hunt down the drink. What's with the commercial plug titles? You're supposed to have the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet logo here, you dig? [Planet Guy] This logo will self-destruct in five seconds. [Ticking] [BOOM!!] [Sam] *** *** *** *** ***! [Speakonia Male 2] It's Oreo. [Speakonia Male 3] Tonight, Oreo is a chocolate. I've always admired cring. Chocolate was my favorite. And if you don't bring up the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption, it will be the Case of the Missing Planet Guy. [Planet Guy] Sheesh! [Sam] And shush the sheesh! MTV. Music Television. You two again!? Get out! Out! Oh, come on, Sam! Give us a break! We're not undesirables just because we're different. God did not put me on this Earth to tolerate gay boys like LH Michael and lesbians like LH Michelle! Get out, before I THROW you out! Microsoft Sam! I won't stand for any more of your bigotry! Accept them and be done with it, capeesh? I don't need a lecture from you, Fatso! I said stop hating LH Michael and LH Michelle! And don't ever call me "Fatso!" [CRASH!] Ouch! My ribcage! My spine! Owww! Vans. Now want to be a Vans one here. I agree, Mike. Vans to be a good. It show lady to be to Vans. Hey, Planet Guy... IT'S NOT VANS, YOU ***, IT'S BEST BRAINS! [Planet Guy] Okay, Sam. If you're gonna be a sonofabitch, I'm gonna give it to you good! Holy Schneikees! Do you see what I see? It's the Viacom V of Doom, the Screen Gems S from Hell, and the B-Backwards-N-D Mask of Guo Jiang! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sam? Sam? Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam! Oh my gosh! Sam's having a heart attack! Call 9-1-1! Oh...where am I? This doesn't look like the studio. What is this place? [VID (B-Backwards N-D) MUSIC] Holy Schneikees! Am I really in Satan's Kingdom? Yes, Microsoft Sam. And this time, you really DIED! And now that you're dead, you belong to us... ...forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! God, save me! You heard him, Satan! Let Sam go! And who's gonna make me? [Voice of God] I will, you infernal hound dogs! Bring Sam back to life! NOW!! Go away, interferer! Sam is MINE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Mary] He's coming to, Anna. Oh...where am I? Relax, Sam. You're in a hospital bed. The doctor said you had a mild heart attack. You're going to be okay. That's a relief. I had a vision in which I met the Devil and the She-Devil in Satan's Kingdom. I called for God and the Angel to save me, but the Devil stabbed me in the gut with his pitchfork! Ouch! There, there, Sam. You probably had a bad dream. And how are things at the studio? Just fine. They're still trying to get the MST3K Introduction correct. That's not the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption. It's the Television from the Paramount Blue Mountain logo. That's right. That Blue Mountain keeps abusing me, and he keeps lying about it. If the Television came here, I wonder where the MST3K Planet logo could be. [MST3K Planet] Would you like me to buy you a drink, Blue Mountain? [Blue Mountain] Let'*** the bars. The night is ours. Quiet on the set! Roll camera! Cue planet! [Sam] Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [Planet Guy] What's so damn funny, Sam? You got not one planet up there, but two! [Planet Guy] I've been experimenting with DNA. Do your cloning on your own time. Now get it right! Three planets. Next they'll show the Three Stooges. Soitenly! Nyuk-nyuk! Now that's three planets to the wind. It's supposed to be one planet, not three. [Planet Guy] My assistant researcher is very fertile. One, two, three, four. Four MST3K logo planets. Have you got any more? [Speakonia Male 2] Looks like a four-leaf clover. [Speakonia Male 3] I'm looking over a four-leaf clover that I overlooked before. You ***, Planet Guy! There is supposed to be only one planet in! Do you hear me? One! [Planet Guy] You're no fun any more, Microsoft Sam! Planet, no caption. I prefer a blue shield, thank you. And just what are you two doing here? Sam, you have no reason to hate us. Just because we're different doesn't give you the right to call us undesirable. I am going to say this once, and only once. WHAT PART OF "EVIL PERVERTS" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? Microsoft Sam! What part of "hate criminal" don't you understand? If you don't stop hating LH Michael and LH Michelle, your *** is grass! Do you hear me? Shut up, Fatso! And stop calling me "Fatso!" [CRASH!] Security!! Calm down, Sam. If only you were a little more tolerant of LH Michael and LH Michelle, this wouldn't have happened to you. I'm sorry, Abby, but you just have to face the truth at some point. And how about some captions for the planet? [Planet Guy] Sure thing, Baldy. [Sam] And don't call me "Baldy!" PLANET GUY!! [Planet Guy] You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy! Where's the planet? [Planet Guy] You said you wanted some caption, so I gave you some caption. I want to see the caption with the planet, you hear? The caption with the planet! [Planet Guy] All right, all right! Sheesh, you're such an ***! [Voices singing] SEGA. Not SEGA! Mystery Science Theater 3000, you hear? Mystery Science Theater 3000! Calm down, Sam. You know he's trying. Yes, Anna. He's trying, all right--- very trying. They're playing my song! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey Planet Guy, could you display the words "Looney Tunes" as well? [Planet Guy] Sure, Mike. I've got a zillion of them. Don't encourage him, Mike. I'm in charge here. [Sam] And give me the proper logo this time, or your *** is grass! PLANET GUY!! [Planet Guy] Uh-oh! I'd better vamoose! Come back here, you coward! [Sam] Gotcha, Planet Guy! Now you're getting the punishment you deserve! [Planet Guy] What're you gonna do to me, you sonofabitch? This! [RIP!!] Ouch! You mutilator! You should have thought of that before you started messing up the planet. Calm down, Sam! You know Ethan Bruce disapproves of your abusing the Planet Guy, not to mention your loathing of LH Michael and LH Michelle. Let them be, and be done with it. She's right, Sam. Don't let it upset you. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap!! It's my MST3K intro and I can do what I damn well please! I don't need anyone like that *** Planet Guy or those perverts LH Michael and LH Michelle whom I demand that the Devil torment forever! This sucks, you hear me? Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I guess so, Anna. I'm sorry I acted that way. I guess I'm too set in my ways. [Anna] There, there, Sam. Everything will be okay. Shall we continue with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 intro now? [Sam] Good idea. Hey Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] I'm one step ahead of you. Jeez, now I know what a eunuch feels like. If this is AT&T, I wonder if there's a service. Service? Oh my god! [Planet Guy] Oops, wrong logo again. I do hate shabby work. [Sam] And so do I. Hey! What's going on? We're shutting down, Sam. They cut the budget in half because the tantrums you and your friends threw caused a 400-percent spike in energy bills. And it's just after curfew. You coming, Mary? I'm right behind you, Mike. [Anna] Are you ready, Sam? [Sam] I'm as ready as I'll ever be, Anna. [Anna] Okay. Here we go! Hey, Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] You called, Sam? What's with the Intel logo? This is supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000. Bring me the logo! [Planet Guy] Sorry. Android? Who in the heck is Android? It's a phone, Mike. Hey, the Android is fun! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is not Android. This is Best Brains. Get it right! [Planet Guy] Sam, you're really acting finicky today. [Sam] Shut up, you ***! [Planet Guy] Don't you call me an ***, you sonofabitch! Dropbox? That's nice. I agree. Neither did I. Get me the planet, and be quiet! They call him Timberland. Timberland, faster than lightning. No one you see is smarter than he. You two again? You don't seem to face facts, do you? Sam, Sam, Sam. Stop being such a hater! We have as much a right to be in these videos as the rest of you. I have no desire to be friends with people whom I know for a fact are evil. Get out! It's no good to vent out wanton hate against a person just because he or she is different. We are not evil. Accept us and be done with it. What's the worst that can happen to you? What's the worst that can happen to me? GOD WOULD HATE ME FOR ACCEPTING YOU!! Microsoft Sam! Stop hating LH Michael and LH Michelle at once! You know that God is very forgiving. I don't dabble in heresy, Fatso! Stop calling me "Fatso!" All right! Sheesh! You don't have to throw me around the studio like a beanbag! I'm not throwing you around like a beanbag this time. Then what are you gonna do to me? [Beulah] This! [RIP!!!] {Sam] Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Why did you just give me a wedgie? It's your just punishment for hating LH Michael and LH Michelle. And if you do that once more, I'll throw you into Satan's Kingdom! Do you hear me? Stop hating them! Beulah, you frighten me more than the V of Doom, the S from Hell, and the B-Backwards N-D Mask of Guo Jiang rolled into one. And as for you, Planet Guy... [Planet Guy] You don't have to remind me. Jeez, what a bigot! [Speakonia Male 2] Rolex? [Speakonia Male 3] Rolex, come home! Planet Guy, you must be a Rolex to keep messing up the logos like this. Now get it right or I'll put you on a leash! [Planet Guy] On a leash? Sheesh! [Sam] And shush the sheesh! PlayStation. I love it. One of controller is Elash. Enough with the animal shows. No more dolphins, and not more video games. I want the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption and ONLY, ONLY the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption, you dig? Take it easy, Sam. Anna and I happen to be video game lovers. I love all video games. I got thrown from one once. I didn't know Mary was that strong! Hahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Stay calm, Mary. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on. Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Microsoft sam, how dare you call me a video game! You should be tied to a post yourself you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Jeez Louise! Now Mary's thrown a tantrum in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video! Are you all right, Mary? I'm okay, Abby. I hope Sam apologizes for calling me a horse. All right, Mary, I'm sorry for calling you a video game. And Beulah, I promise to never, ever call you "Fatso" again... ...especially since I need to lose weight myself. Well, Sam, it takes one to know one! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Twitter. That's where I used to hang out. PLANET GUY!!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy! I want the Mystery Science Theater 3000, you hear me? Mystery Science Theater 3000! NOW!! Internet Explorer. Explore internet on the wall. All right! Enough is enough! Out you two pixies go, through the door or out the Windows! Not again, Sam! And that goes for you too, Beulah! [Sam] Out! Out! All of you! OUT!!! [ZOOM] [CRASH!] [ZOOM] [CRASH!] [ZOOM] [CRASH!] Microsoft Sam! Are you out of your mind? [Sam] And as for you, Planet Guy... [ZOOM] [CRASH!] [Sam] You're fired! And I'm calling the cops! Now this time, let's get it right. And remind me to get a lawyer who'll help me win a case for once. "GE?" "GE?" That's wrong. It should read "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "GE." [Planet Guy] Oops! [Planet Guy] How's this, boss? Almost there, Planet Guy. All we need to do is make the MST3K Intro a Season 6 and we're on Easy Street. Well said, Sam. And I'm glad you've come to your senses about us. Are you convinced now that it's no good to hate us just because we're different from you? LH Michael, LH Michelle and Beulah, you know it and I know it, but what would God think of me now? I'm sure He'd forgive you. And I forgive you too, Sam. I was that way once, but things are different now. They sure are. [Planet Guy] I'll get the shield corrected. [Sam] Well, not just yet, Planet Guy. I've been through a lot of hell today and I can use a little rest. Let's take the rest of the day off. [Mike] I agree with you, Sam. Are you coming, Mary? [Mary] I'm coming, Mike. [Anna] And I'm glad to see you've wised up about LH Michael and LH Michelle, Sam. [Sam] I agree, Anna. I've certainly learned my lesson. Let's head for the bar. The drinks are on me. All right, let's get this show on the road. Roll camera. Cue planet. Planet Guy! You called me Sam? I didn't call you Sam. I'm Sam, you're the Planet Guy. I addressed you with my question, Sam. Just joking. Do you know what you just logo into the frame? [Trophy Guy] You mean this? Yes, that. It's supposed to be the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption, not "That's all Folks!" of Looney Tunes. If you want it done right, why don't you do it! I'm quitting! Planet Guy, you come back here! Leave him alone, Sam. LH Michelle and I can handle the shield zooms. All right, LH Michael. Anyone can be better than that dime-a-dozen bum. He's not a dime-a-dozen bum, Sam. ESPN? Who's an ESPN? Channel of sports? Yes. I agree. I'll bet that's what the Planet Guy thinks of Sam. And after Sam fired him, that Planet Guy still thinks Sam's an ESPN. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's not that funny, you two. Besides, I didn't fire him. He quit. Verizon? Do they mean "Verizon Communications?" That's the name of those communications. Communications? Sounds like a classical music drama set in the shower. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Communcations is for ***-Wipes. That's what Microsoft Mike is, was and always will be, no matter how many times he denies it. He can't run away from what he is. Hahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Take it easy, Mike. He's only kidding. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now. No no no no no no no no dammit dammit dammit dammit! Microsoft Sam, how many times do I have to tell you? I am not a *** ***! I never was one, nor will I ever be one and I want you to cease and desist calling me a liar every time I deny being an ***! You hear me? Sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Mike? I'm okay, Mary. Jeez Louise, Mike! Why must you get so upset over something as trivial as name-calling? See, Mike? Sam admitted it was trivial. Good. Let's get the planet right. [Speakonia Male 2] Kit Kat. I'd like to open an account here. Where do I see the teller? [Speakonia Male 3] There's no teller here. This is First National Pictures, not Kit Kat. Anybody know where the Planet Guy is? I haven't the foggiest idea, Sam. If I know the Planet Guy, he probably got a job at the Kit Kat. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled a bank job. Hahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Crocs? I never heard of them. Don't worry, Mary. You know the old saying: "And the last shall be first." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Alvy Adair, FBI. Do you have a man reported missing who answers to the name "Planet Guy?" Yes. The Planet Guy says he quit, but I turned down his resignation. Therefore, he's playing hooky from work. We have no criminal record on him, so we referred your case to the CIA. The CIA? Cedric Shmendrick, CIA. We have found the missing man known as the Planet Guy and have returned him to you. Do you wish to press charges? He's my employee. I'll handle him. All right, he's yours. Sam, why didn't you accept my resignation? Because, Planet Guy, you didn't submit it to me in writing. That's why I had the FBI and the CIA coming after you. And also because you're a dime-a-dozen bum. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! You are too a dime-a-dozen bum! [Planet Guy] I am not! [Sam] You are too! [Planet Guy] I am NOT!! [Sam] You are TOO!! [Planet Guy] I AM NOT!!! [Sam] YOU ARE TOO!!! Will you two please stop fighting!! Shut up, ***! [Mike] I am not an *** and don't ever call me a liar for denying ever being one! You tell him, Microsoft Mike! Don't be a mutineer, Planet Guy! [Planet Guy] Mutineer, huh? Well, try this on for size, you slave- driving control freak! FU? What's FU? They should have put a MANCHU on the planet as well. Then it would be "FU MANCHU!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! PLANET GUY!!! YOU NOODGE! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? [Planet Guy] Only what's on the planet: F-U! YOU DON'T SAY "F-U" TO YOUR BOSS! THAT'S INSUBORDINATION! GET ME THE MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 CAPTION NOW, OR I'LL SEND YOU TO SATAN'S KINGDOM! YOU HEAR ME? MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! NOT F-U, VERIZON OR ESPN!! MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!! NOW!!! [Planet Guy] All right, Microsoft Sam! You want the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption, you got the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption! Here it is! [CRASH!!] Sam? Sam? Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam. That Planet Guy! We'll have to get Sam to the hospital, Anna. And I'll be at his side. I don't want to lose him. I want that dime-a-dozen bum hanged to the nearest tree! Planet Guy, you have a visitor to see you. I'll be glad to see a human face. Planet Guy, it's me. Beulah. Beulah! Am I glad to see you! I've sprung you, Planet Guy. I'll take you home. [Planet Guy] How's Sam? I hope I didn't destroy him when I threw that MST3K Planet logo at him. [Beulah] He's doing fine. Anna called me from the hospital to say that Sam's dropping the charges against you if you apologize to him. [Planet Guy] Good. Let's go to the hospital so I can apologize to him. Hey, Planet Guy! You called, Sam? Did we just get different intro? I thought they'd look brighter. Good thinking, my boy. Looks like that Planet Guy's jumped the gun. I agree. He sent the "Looney Tunes" title in an MST3K TV show. Joel Hodgson meets Bugs Bunny. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ease up on the Planet Guy, Anna. He's trying to do good after being sprung from jail. I understand, Sam. Let's give him a chance. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Planet Guy, you've done it again! The caption in the MST3K TV show! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Methinks I goofed again. Youthinks right, Planet Guy. But I think Beulah's right--- it's very funny! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That joke is so old. Well? Well what? Where's the 1993? I think something's fishy here. I agree with you, LH Michelle, but give the poor boy some slack. Remember, he's trying to make his own way in the world. You tell her, Sam. [Speakonia Male 2] MST3K Season 12? [Speakonia Male 3] Must be a new kind of birthday present for the younger set. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! All right, Planet Guy! Are you trying to make an *** out of me? You said get the MST3K Planet in before the captions. That's right, but I meant getting the MST3K Planet logo in first. Then the captions should read "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Do you understand me? Roger Wilco. [Sam] I wish he'd call me by my proper name. PLANET GUY!!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy! Do you say the commercial plug for babies? I should say not. Then why the hell did you put a Pampers caption up when this is supposed to be Best Brains? Microsoft Sam! Please do not be too rough on the Planet Guy! You know I'm the one who bailed him out of jail after he hit you with the planet! If you abuse him, you'll feel my wrath! Understand me? You tell him, Beulah! You keep out of this, you ***! And you'd better stop dating him if you know what's good for you, Fatso! Listen, Sam! The Planet Guy and I love each other and I want you to stop objecting to it! And never call me "Fatso" again! All right, all right! I know when I'm licked. But you and the Planet Guy better toe the line, or else! Remember who's in charge here. Monopoly. The game. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I had another dream about games. It wasn't as frightning as the ones before. Bruce Cockburn, 1980. This is not Monopoly; this is Best Brains. Either you put the Mystery Science Theater 3000 caption up, capeesh? [Planet Guy] Picky, picky, picky. Marvel? I'd say Joel Hodgson would bring on Superman as a special guest if Batman hadn't ***. Batman is not dead. The story they planted in the tabloids a couple of years ago was just a hoax. PLANET GUY!!! Holy Schneikees, Sam! I don't know who's been giving me the wrong captions, but it's not my *** fault, you slave-driving control freak! ONE MORE INSUBORDINATE COMMENT LIKE THAT AND OUT YOU GO!! PERMANENTLY!! YOU HEAR ME? Take it easy, Planet Guy. Sam's just having a bad day. Don't let it bother you. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap!! I just got out of jail and now you're threatening to throw me back in!! I don't have to take this *** from *** like you, and if you fire me, I'll kill myself!! You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Planet Guy? I'm okay, Beulah. If you two can put aside this sympathy, we've got a picture to start. I know exactly what to do, Sam. Oh no! No! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Bawling] Why? Why? Why? That Planet Guy's ruined me! I'm ruined! RUINED!! There, there, Sam. It's not end of the world. You're right, Anna. This isn't the end of the world... BUT IT'S THE END OF THE PLANET GUY'S CAREER!! PLANET GUY, YO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OU'RE FIRED! OUT YOU GO! OUT-OUT-OUT-OUT-OUT!! Oh no you don't, Microsoft Sam! You re-hire my boyfriend right now! Never! You stay away from that dime-a-dozen bum forever! You hear me? Stay away from him forever! That's the last straw, Microsoft Sam! You're becoming too much of a tyrant for all of us! [Beulah] Out you go! [ZOOM!] [CRASH!] [Sam] This is mutiny! I'm calling the police! How's Sam doing? Just fine, Anna. He'll be back in a matter of days. I hope he'll be in a good mood when he returns. He will be. Let's get on with the picture. [BUZZER] Uh-oh! The titles are out of order. Looks like we have the rest of the day to ourselves. Who could have screwed up the titles like that? I haven't the foggiest idea, Mike. I think I know who it was. Sam rigged the system so it wouldn't work right until he returns. Let's all take the rest of the day off. [Sam] This is Microsoft Sam with a confession. I've always been a perfectionist. I'm sorry for the way I acted and for trying to break Beulah and the Planet Guy up. The Planet Guy and Beulah are not mutineers, and the Planet Guy is re-hired... ...at least for the time being. Sam? Sam? Has anybody seen Sam? He's lecturing the Planet Guy. Something about Sam's recent psychiatric treatment. I'm all right now. I just get so pissed off over the least little things. Ready, Planet Guy? Ready, Sam. [Sam] Roll it! Old Navy? I can see it now: Joel Hodgson wants to meet navy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What does Old Navy have to do with Mystery Science Theater 3000? Nothing that I know of. Yahoo. Looks like we're in for a spell of bad weather. He'd better start building his ark and bringing all the questions in. Yahoo! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! If he got a section of a circle, it would be Yahoo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Speakonia Male 2] PayPal. [Speakonia Male 3] Money meets Joel Hodgson. Oh noes! It's the V of Doom! Get it outta here! Calm down, Sam. You know the Planet Guy has no intention of scaring you to death. PLANET GUY!!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy! Are you trying to scare me to death? I'm doing nothing of the kind! He's only human, Sam. Shut up, you ***! [Mike] Stop calling me an ***! You tell him, Mike! Don't defend a guy who's an out-and-out liar, you ***! [Mary] Stop calling me a ***! You and Mike accept the truth and be done with it! He's an *** and you're a ***! You hear me? Accept it! It's the truth! Truth truth truth truth truth! Stay calm, Mary. Sam's just being delusional. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on. Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Microsoft Sam, you know I'm not a *** and Mike's not an ***! Stop deluding yourself into thinking it's the truth when it isn't! You hear me? You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Mary! Are you all right? I hope you're not too shaken up. I'm okay. It's just that Sam's delusions just *** me off. I'm sorry, Mary, but that's just the way I am. I understand, Sam. Let her recover before you say anything more to her. If you don't mind, Sam, I'd like to get this MST3K started. Go to it, Planet Guy! Oh noes! Not the B-Backwards N-D Mask of Guo Jiang! No no no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Microsoft Sam, I've come for your soul! You'll never take me alive! Never! If you want Sam, you'll have to get me first! Get away, interferer, or you'll get the pain I'm going to give Sam! That's far enough, Mask of Guo Jiang! Now you're going to get yours! Take that! [BOOM!!] Did you see that, Abby? Anna knocked the B-Backwards N-D Mask of Guo Jiang out with laser beams from her eyes! Well, that's one less scary logo to worry about! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Anna] You have nothing to worry about, Sam. The Mask will never bother you again. [Sam] That's a relief. Citibank? Does Citibank work for Best Brains? No. "0003 Retaeht Ecneics Yretsym?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You got Mystery Science Theater 3000 spelled backwards! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again. Youthinks right, Planet Guy. Let's try it again. "S-N-O-I-T-C-U-D-O-R-P S-N-I-A-R-B T-S-E-B?" That Planet Guy's working with mirrors again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh noes! Not again! Give me another chance, Sam! Well... all right. You talked me into it. Oops! I forgot to not put the caption Looney Tunes! Well, isn't that rich! He got the intro right and the "That's all Folks!" and he finds that Sam forgot to put the caption Looney Tunes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey Planet Guy, whatta you say we get a bite to eat for lunch? Great idea, Beulah. The tab's on me. [Anna] Beulah has the right idea. It's almost lunch time, Sam. Wanna come with me? [Sam] I'm with you, Anna. [Mike] Are you coming along, Mary? [Mary] Lead the way, Mike. As long as the Planet Guy's buying for all of us. [Planet Guy] Oh crotch! Places, everybody! Quiet on the set! We need to get this Mystery Science Theater 3000 intro right this time or Mr. Best Brains will be furious! I am furious yellow. Not "curious," Planet Guy... "furious." He means Mr. Best Brains will be very angry. And you wouldn't like him when he's angry. Because when Mr. Best Brains is angry, heads usually roll. I've never seen a person's head roll. I never hope to see one. But you know what's at stake here. You'd rather see one than be one. Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Well, I might as well get this MST3K started up. Is that the usual MST3K planet? All I know is that Sam said to bring the MST3K caption in here. Yes, but it's the wrong MST3K planet. It's supposed to be the one from Season 2, not Season 1. Look, Sam, an MST3K planet is an MST3K Planet. If you want to get technical... I see your point, Planet Guy. Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! What's so damn funny? What you said a while ago. "I am furious yellow!" Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [Announcer] You can be sure... ...if it's Westinghouse. Westinghouse. They used to make great appliances years ago. Speak for yourself, LH Michael. I grew up in a General Electric family myself. PLANET GUY!!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Planet Guy! What did I tell you about commerical plugs in an MST3K TV show? Next time you do that, I'm telling Mr. Best Brains on you! Sorry about that. I didn't know he was watching. PLANET GUY, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Fired!? Fired!? You can't do this to me, Sam! I'm filing a wrongful termination lawsuit against you! [Sam] It won't do you any good, Planet Guy! I'll tell Mr. Best Brains your ouster is justified! [Sam] Get out and stay out! [ZOOM] [CRASH!] Microsoft Sam! Are you out of what's left of your brains? Bring the Planet Guy back here now! Never! And that's final! Don't you dare upset Beulah, Sam! You know she loves the Planet Guy. Besides, who's going to operate the logo? Anybody can do better than that dime-a-dozen bum! [Speakonia Male 2] Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Do you realize you're making Mr. Best Brains angry at you for firing the Planet Guy without cause? [Speakonia Male 3] We can't operate the logo as effectively as he can. [Sam] Just do it! [Speakonia Male 3] Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! This isn't Volkswagen. Mr. Best Brains will have a royal fit if he saw this in an MST3K TV show! Get it right! Microsoft Anna speaking. who? Yes, he's here. It's for you, Sam. All right, what do you want? Who? Mr. Best Brains? Bring back the Planet Guy? But he keeps messing up the MST3K intro! Don't you realize he keeps making an *** out of me? What? You wouldn't! Oh, you would. Okay, I'll do it. What did he say, Sam? Mr. Best Brains says if I don't re-hire the Planet Guy, he'll come over here and nail me to the planet. So, just bring him back. Yeah, Sam. There's no sense in hating him. They're right, Sam. No sense getting worked up over it. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! I NEVER GET MY WAY AROUND HERE ANYMORE WITH THE BIG BOSS ON MY *** FOR FIRING THE PLANET GUY! WELL I SAY THE PLANET GUY'S A DIME-A-DOZEN BUM! YOU HEAR ME, MR. BEST BRAINS? HE'S A BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay. I just had to put my two cents in somehow. [Anna] There, there, Sam. I'll go and get the Planet Guy for you. Do you want to continue trying to get the MST3K introduction done right? You bet I do! Oh noes! Not the Klasky-Csupo Robot! He's even worse than that B-Backwards-N-D Mask of Guo Jiang! No no no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, here we go again. Time to save Sam from yet another scary logo. Get away, interferer! Sam is mine and you can't have him! Stay away, you harlot! I am not a harlot! For this you're gonna get it! Take that! [BOOM!!] Thanks, Anna. You've saved my life again. You're welcome, Sam. It's a special power I acquired after I was abducted by aliens a few years ago. Anna was abducted by aliens and they gave her the power to fry out scary logos with her eyes? I didn't know that! Planet Guy! You're back! I missed you! I missed you too. Right now I have a job to do. Oops! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Planet Guy. However, I won't punish you this time because Mr. Best Brains would impale me on the planet if I did. Sheesh! If he did that to you, I'd get worse treatment. I don't think so. He's just making sure Sam knows who's in charge. I couldn't have said it better. Mr. Best Brains says don't worry about what happened during Sam's tantrum. He'll pay for the damage... ...out of Sam's salary. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Cheapskate! [BUZZER] Holy Schneikees! Look at the time! Five minutes before clocking-out time and we still haven't gotten it right. If we don't get the MST3K intro right, Mr. Best Brains says he'll take no prisoners! That means we only have one more chance! You said it, Planet Guy! All right! We did it right! And with only two minutes to spare. See, Sam? I told you I'd get it right one of these days. [Anna] I knew we'd do it! I love you, Sam! [Sam] I love you too, Anna! [Beulah] It sure feels good knowing we've finally done something right. [Abby] I agree, Beulah. You know that old saying: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." [Planet Guy] To think it took us 28 episodes to get the MST3K intro right. [Mike] This calls for a celebration. [Mary] I agree. The biggest wrap party in the history of show biz. [Sam] With the Planet Guy buying every round of drinks for the whole gang! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [Planet Guy] Oh crotch!