Signal's Journal

Back to Signal.
Audio logs recorded and archived by Wingnut, of her own initiative.
== Time Passes: Who Needs Insecurity When You've Got a Bird and a Can-Do Attitude ==
[recording begins]
--know, Wingnut, I've been thinking about the fight with Gearhead. And like… okay, don't tell anybody, but I know you noticed I was feeling kind of down on myself. 'Cuz like, yeah, obviously, getting flung through the air at your giant little brother was fucking awesome. It was badass. I want to do it like, a million more times. These are just objective facts.
… But also… Frankie, and Ernest, and Taxon, they're like… they're the real deal. Hundred percent real genuine superheroes who can summon ghosts and tornadoes and, like, shoot lazerbeams! Lazerbeams! And yeah I grabbed Metatron but I almost didn't, y'know? And if I'd missed that would've been it for me. Big ol' kersplat on the floor of the warehouse. And I kept thinking about that, and the more I thought about it the more I started to wonder if Cassi could be right and the tech thing isn't enough to get me through.
[soft whooshing noise; the voice resumes, slightly louder now]
Thanks, bud. But no, listen, this is what I wanted to talk to you about! I was feeling down on myself, yeah, but then I started thinking about it some more and, y'know what? Those super-ass superheroes trusted me. They followed my lead at the warehouse, and Frankie trusted me enough to just shoot me into the fuckin' sky when I asked her to, and Ernest and Taxon trusted me enough to leave Metatron alone and go after Gearhead's weirdo helmet thing when I told them to. Me! Squishy human boy! And The Weatherman invited me to join the Big Team! Talk about real superheroes, that's like, a legit hero team! And he invited the whole group! Of which I am a part!
So maybe I don't have crazy ghost or weather or alien powers but I can do this! We can do this, you and me. We've got a shot to really prove ourselves here and it's gonna be awesome. Halcyon City better watch out, 'cuz we're coming for 'em.
[recording ends]
== S4E18: The Perils of Clown ==
	
	[recording begins]
Wingnut, hey, help me get this thing into the closet before anyone--
[sound of a door slamming]
Melchior Mercury--
Heeey, Cassi! You're, uh, you're in my room! … And angry!
Where the hell have you been? And what is that?
Okay, okay, listen, it's a long story, and also a really cool one and also I swear it's not my fault I was gone so long.
You were gone for two days, Mel! Not to mention the creepy doll I found in your bed!
Also not my fault! Look, just--chill out for a minute and I can explain everything.
[annoyed humming]
C'mon, Cassi, it was so cool.
[exasperated sigh]
All right, but this had better be good.
It is! Seriously! We saved the League of Heroes! … Don't look at me like that, we for real did!
You saved the League of Heroes?
Okay, first of all, rude. Words hurt, Cassi. And second of all, yes! Me and three other Big Team heroes, anyways. Look, just, let me tell the story, would you?
[creaking of bed springs]
Fine, okay, start from the beginning.
Right! Okay, so, Frankie and I were hanging out and we got called in to a mission and there was this rad giant robot just like, hanging out in the base making terrible coffee. And also a wolf with boxing gloves. And like, a kid? Anyways, they said they needed us--uh, us being me and Frankie and also the Weatherman and Overgrowth--to go into the Dataverse and fight a clown--uh, you know about the Dataverse, right?
Yes, Mel, I read the news.
Jeez, okay, I was just asking. So anyways, obviously we agree to go and GAIA--uh, they're the AI at the base--sends us into this like, digital park place.
Wait, hold on a second--
Cassi, I can't get through the story if you interrupt me--
Okay, calm down. Back up a second. Clown?
Oh! Yeah, clown. I think his name was… Piedmon? Big ol' clown, annoying-ass laugh, talks in rhymes. Lots of swords. Honestly, I can respect a sword clown, but the terrible poetry and, I cannot stress this enough, obnoxious laugh really ruined the whole thing for me. Also he'd kidnapped the League of Heroes and was keeping them in paintings, so like, there's also that.
All right, fair enough. Evil clown. Please, continue.
Where was I… right! The park! So we're in this weird park, and things are already weird 'cuz Overgrowth just looks like a normal dude all of a sudden and he's kind of freaking out about it. But then Ernest pulls out his phone and it's, like, not a phone anymore? So I pull out mine and it's also this weird gameboy stopwatch thing.
Wait, did you lose your phone? 'Cuz I swear--
No! It's fine now. But we all had one of these things! So I've got some weird new gadget, obviously I'm gonna ask it what it's deal is, right?
Mel, that could've been dangerous!
Oh, calm down. It was fine. Besides, everything that happened after was way more dangerous.
[groans]
Shhh, I'm getting to the best part! So the gameboy asks me if I want to datavolve, and I'm like, well obviously I want to see where this goes. So I do it, and Cass, I got wings!
[indignant squawk]
Wh--hey! Leggo, obviously I don't have them now! All our cool shit went away when we came back. But while we were in there I could fly! And also I had knives!
Knives? Really? Who gave you knives?
Uh, I dunno, the datagods? They were cool as hell though, you should've seen 'em. Like… knife gloves! Frankie got knives too, it was awesome. Real knife-heavy mission all around, really.
Mel, look at me. I need you to promise me that you will not just start playing with knives because the Dataverse gave you some swords.
[silence]
Melchior--
I can't make that promise. Ow! Cassi!
Mel, I swear to god--
Okay, okay, I won't play with knives! Y'know, unless it's, like, safe or whatever. Can I get on with the story now?
[exasperated sigh]
Yeah, okay, what happened after you… transformed into a knife-bird, or whatever.
Well first I got bit by a slug.
[silence]
No witty remark for that one, huh?
No, I've got nothing. Just keep going.
'Kay. So I chucked this giant green slug thing into space, but then we realized we were being chased by a whole horde of the things, so we started booking it clown-wards. Oh, I forgot to mention, there was a big circus tent the clown was hanging out in. So we're running from the slugs, and we made a wall out of boulders the Weatherman blasted apart to try to block 'em, and Overgrowth turned into like a giant plant lizard and fucked 'em up with weird branch tentacles, and Whisper threw this like ball of black smoke or something at them and then I grabbed the leader--
The slug leader.
Yes, the slug leader, he was silver and had jewelry. So I grabbed the leader and flew up real high and threw him so hard he landed on a mountain way far away. So all the slugs fucked off and the smoke ball didn't stop growing so we had to keep running until we got to the circus tent. And we knew the clown was in there.
Well I suppose that makes sense.
Yeah! And we decided we wanted to catch him off guard and not go in the front entrance. So Whisper and Overgrowth went around to the back of the tent and the Weatherman and I went up to the roof because we could fly. Whisper was gonna cut her way in and sneak around but she uhh pretty much immediately ended up in clown town.
Do me a favor and never say "clown town" again.
I can't promise that. So anyways the clown tries to stab her and she sounds the alarm and we all bust our way through the tent and the lights go on and the door closes and the clown is there, and he's got all the League of Heroes there too! Trapped in paintings! And he was using this magic fire to threaten to burn the paintings!
That's… pretty gruesome.
I guess, I didn't really think about it at the time. I was pretty focused on taking the clown to pound town.
I will leave this room, Mel.
Okay, okay! But anyways, it was so cool, Cassi, 'cuz like… the Dataverse is digital, right?
From what I gather that's the general idea, yes.
So…
… So?
So Piedmon was also digital! So I could get in his head!
That sounds profoundly dangerous, Mel!
Nah, it was fine.
It was fine?
Yeah! I got in his head and found out how he was maintaining the fire so we could put it out before any of the League got hurt--Ernest killed his teddy bear, it was great--and then I distracted him long enough for Frankie to stab him in the face! It was awesome!
Sorry, hold on, did you say teddy bear?
Yeah, why?
[quiet snort]
Hey, that teddy bear was evil and threatening to kill the League of Heroes!
Yeah, yeah, of course, I just--
[another, slightly louder snort]
C'mon, it's not that funny!
I know, I know, just--this hero stuff is weird.
I mean, obviously. It's always been weird. That's just Halcyon City for you.
Sure, but it's never been in my face before. Speaking of weird, why the hell do you have… that?
Oh, I haven't gotten there yet. So after we finished kicking the clown's ass, GAIA told us that we'd spent nearly two days in the Dataverse. Ernest started freaking out because the poor dude's like literally always grounded and his mom was gonna be pissed, so GAIA told us that they uh. Well.
The dolls.
Uh, yeah. The dolls.
You couldn't have just, y'know, texted me?
You are seriously overestimating the role I played in this decision. Which was nothing. I was not part of it. I thought we were in there for like, a couple hours, tops. I swear if I knew I wouldn't have suggested life-size replicas to fake being sick. Did, uh…
No, Mom and Dad didn't notice. I covered for you, you're welcome.
Aww, you're the best, Cassi.
Believe me, I'm well aware. You still haven't explained why you have a doll that's not you, by the way.
Oh, I told Frankie the possibilities of having life-size replicas of ourselves were endless and she said I could have hers so long as she never had to see it again. I'm just gonna store it and the me one in my closet until I come up with something cool to do with them.
Oh, sure, of course, that's not creepy at all.
Hey, when life gives you creepy dolls, make creepy doll… ade.
You wanna take that one again?
[momentary silence]
… No, I think that's about all I got, actually.
[bedsprings creaking]
You're okay, right? No… sword clown injuries?
I mean, I might have just a little gotten punted out of the air by a giant clown foot at one point, but don't freak out! I'm totally fine now, maybe a little sore. Some of the others got like, fully stabbed and they're fine, too, so it's no big deal. Digital injuries don't really translate over to the real world, I guess.
Well, that's something, at least. One point in favor of the Dataverse.
[more bedsprings creaking]
God, it was so cool, Cassi. It was like I was totally in my element. Like, the flying and the knives and shit were rad as hell, don't get me wrong, but it was like… I talked to the tent. I didn't try, but I bet I could've talked to the ground, even. I love talking to Wingnut, or like literally any other machine around, but it was different in the Dataverse. I felt… powerful, I guess. And I really actually helped in the fight. Like I actually made a difference, y'know? It was like. Real hero shit. And I was part of it.
[silence, and then a sigh]
I'm happy that you're happy, Mel. But I'll probably never stop just… worrying. This Dataverse stuff seems all well and cool, but what if you die in there? And, more pressingly, what if you die out here, where, might I remind you, you don't have wings or knives or whatever. Not to mention we still don't know how dangerous your powers are to you, really. What happens if you try to talk to some… evil machine, and it tries to get into your brain? We don't know! We have no way of knowing!
Cass, c'mon. I'm not gonna die.
There is literally no way for you to know that.
[bedsprings creaking]
Sure there is! I'm on Big Team now, remember? I'm not doing this by myself. My teammates aren't gonna let me die. You worry too much.
You worry too little, so hopefully we even out.
Hey! Now you're looking on the brightside.
You're an idiot.
[sigh]
Look, I know I can't stop you from doing this whole… hero thing. And I'm glad you're safer than just putting on a ninja turtles mask and breaking into a mad scientist's house now. And also that you're making friends. But please don't get stabbed by a clown.
I promise I will do my absolute very best not to.
It would just be way too embarrassing to explain to everybody that my little brother died by clown. You just can't do that to me. It wouldn't be fair.
[laughter]
I hate you.
I love you too, Mel. And I swear to god, if I see either of those creepy-ass dolls outside your closet, I will throw you off the roof.
Yeah… that's fair.
[recording ends]
== S4E21: Treehugger ==
	
[recording begins]
I'm just saying, an hour earlier and we could've gone in the front door like normal people and not climbed in the window like--ACK!
[a yelp followed by a thud]
Cassi, what the hell?!
Me what the hell?! You what the hell! Do you have any idea how worried I was when I saw the news about Zodiac and didn't hear a word from you? Well?
… Okay, so, um, my bad. Ow!
I am gonna kick your ass, Melchior.
Cassi, Cassi, listen! I'm sorry I didn't text you, but I was busy! We saved the tree, we stopped the earthquakes! Treequakes!
[a sigh, followed by low grumbling]
Of course you did. Of course you were there. Well? What was causing it?
Oh, some giant drills, mostly.
[a louder sigh]
At least one of which was attached to a mech!
God, I hate hero stuff.
You're crazy. This shit is the best! I met a bunch of other cool Big Team folks and we found a secret elevator, and there was this giant bug--
Hold on, elevator?
Okay, I know what you're gonna say--
You took an elevator? In the middle of an earthquake? Are you actually an idiot?
Words hurt, Cassi.
Not as much as a falling elevator, Mel!
Okay, I hear you, and we definitely knew it wasn't a good idea to take the elevator during the quake, but it's not like there were emergency stairs down to the evil secret basement! We didn't exactly have many good options!
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you knew the elevator was a death trap when you got on it. That really makes me feel better about the decisions you're making out on these hero missions.
Look, it was fine. Well, mostly.
Mostly?
Okay, so, Focus hit her head pretty hard. But Rat fixed her up! She'll be fine. Oh man, you'd love Focus. She's so great. She has a robot, too! And she stopped me from hitting my head when I, uh, may have pissed off the elevator a little bit.
[a pause, then a sigh]
Well she does get points for that. I'm just going to ignore the fact that you got in a fight with an elevator.
I think that's fun but suit yourself. So we get to the secret basement and there's like this big cavern in the middle of the tree full of mining equipment, and a lot of it is wrecked and has tree trunks growing through it, like the tree was pissed and fighting back. And there was all this screaming coming from a tunnel so naturally we were like 'oh shit, better go see what's up with that!' And then Cardinal just sort of fucked off without us. I dunno what was up with that guy. I think he just didn't like us. But the rest of us all take off together and then out of the tunnel comes this giant bug!
Ew.
No way, it was awesome! It was huge and blue and made of crystals! It was like a centipede and it was pissed. I guess the tree didn't get the memo that we were there to help so it was sending its bug-babies to eat us.
How… delightful.
Yeah it was cool as hell. So the bug is in between us and the tunnel, right? So I get this great idea. Did I tell you about the fight where the Weatherman invited us to join Big Team?
Yes, Mel. At length.
Well, remember how Frankie made this giant slingshot to throw me?
[a pause]
Oh, jesus.
Yup! So she makes the slingshot and starts throwing Whiz and Focus over the bug into the tunnel. But it's taking too long, right, and the bug is getting closer, so I figure I gotta buy the team time to get everyone in the tunnel so we can find whatever's screaming and save Zodiac. So I--
Jesus, Mel! What were you thinking?!
I just told you what I was thinking! Besides, I didn't even say what I did yet!
Oh, I think I can guess.
Oh, fuck off. So I get the bug's attention and it's mad, right--
Oh, how did I guess? What possessed you that made you think that was in any way a good idea!
Hey! It worked! God, you sound like Frankie. She was pissed at me, too.
And does that tell you anything, Mel?
Yeah, it tells me you need to trust me more! My plan worked, and nobody got hurt! I'm getting pretty good at this hero thing, you know! Sometimes being a hero means putting yourself in danger so other people can be safe! Actually that's like, most of what being a hero is!
Look, Mel--
So just chill out and trust me when I say I got this! Because I do!
[pause, filled with the faint whirr of servos]
Okay, I… can you tell your bird to stop threatening me, first?
[a sigh]
It's cool, Wingnut. Just go hang out on the desk, okay? It's fine.
[a soft whooshing sound, followed by a light thud. voices resume, slightly farther away]
Mel, you know I wish you wouldn't do this hero stuff.
[a scoff]
But! If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't just stand by and let you go off, would I? Or cover for you with Mom and Dad when you disappear for a day and a half?
[a sigh]
Yeah, I know--
This hero stuff is really dangerous, Mel. Like, it's dangerous for the people who have powers.
I have powers!
You have a power, that apparently got your friend concussed because you made an elevator mad at you!
Hey! My power also totally saved Cardinal's ass when it meant I could get a mech suit between him and a pissed off ant, not to mention it helped save the League of Heroes last week.
Look, I don't mean to… demean your power, or anything. It's genuinely amazing that you can do this stuff, Mel, as much as it terrifies me that we don't know how it works or what the risks are. I just mean… if you don't have a mech handy, your power isn't gonna do much to protect you from being by, say, a giant crystal centipede. And as much as I trust you to be smart, because I know you're not an idiot no matter how many elevators you take in an earthquake, there's always the chance that you'll get in over your head and get really hurt. And what am I supposed to do then?
Cassi…
No, I'm fine. Just… be careful, Mel, okay? Promise?
… Is this a bad time to say Whiz agreed to help me build a mech?
Melchior--
Okay, okay, I promise! I'll be careful. Y'know, as careful as a hero can be.
I guess that's all I can really ask for.
For the record, the centipede turned out fine. Frankie had my back.
Well, thank god for Frankie, at least.
You can say that again...
… uh, Mel? What's that smile for?
Uh, nothing. Anyways, we run down the tunnel and there are a bunch more giant crystal bugs attacking some schmucks and this transformed axolotl dude with a giant mech, and some weird machine around this blue rock. You know how it goes, we fought, we kicked their asses, Frankie broke the mech before I got to drive it for real. Then the axolotl uses the crystal to, uh, float? And he's clearly gearing up for some shit, but Whiz figures out really quick and tells me that if we break the crystal it'll stop whatever he's doing. So I grabbed the drill arm that got shot off the mech and jumped off the wreckage and wham! Wrecked that shit! It was awesome! Whiz was right, it totally worked, and the tree finally clued in to the fact that we were, y'know, cool, and it let us out. Frankie and I made up so we're not mad at each other anymore. And, uh, we're gonna go see a movie, so that's cool.
Oh, it is, is it?
Hey, what's that look for?
Oh, nothing. Look, you're not hurt, are you? You said you… picked up a drill?
Yeah, I'm fine. It was heavy as fuck, though. I need to start, like, lifting more at the base or something. 
Aww, gonna get less scrawny? Well, it can't hurt. Anyways, I have homework to do, and you probably do, too. There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry. G'night, Mel.
Night, Cassi.
[footsteps, then the sound of a door closing]
… The hell was that look for?
[recording ends]	
== S4E25: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger==
	
[recording begins] 
Ack, what was--oh, Wingnut. Sorry, did I doze off?
[a yawn] 
I'll finish up here soon, we should probably--oh, jesus, is it that late already? Well, I guess there's no real point in going home tonight, then, so--ow! Hey, quit it! What was that for? 
… Seven missed calls, huh? Well, if she really wanted to get a hold of me, she should've texted. Cassi knows my ringer's on silent. I'm not an animal.
… Okay, yeah, that 's a lot of texts. Boy her threats have gotten way more inventive lately. Do you think it' s the first aid training?
[a sigh] 
God she's gonna be pissed at me when we get home. I'll tell her we're okay and we'll be home tomorrow but… what do you think, should we tell her about Bishop?
Well obviously she won't like it. She doesn't like any hero stuff. She's not gonna like that we went after some big corporation. Especially if she finds out I pissed off those security cameras and they definitely saw me and Whiz. I'm sure that won't come back to bite us. I mean, if they only have robot security, do they even have a person watching that footage? Besides, even if they do, I have a mask. I'll be fine. Hopefully Whiz' s goggles make it hard to see his face on the footage, but… we should probably keep a look out for him just in case, buddy.
What do you think she'd think about… y'know, these.
[a quiet rustling and then a quiet rattling sound, like something metal being shaken around in a hand] 
I just mean… her whole deal is that my whole techno thing isn't enough to cut it as a superhero, right? Like that rude-ass lady we saved from that weird ice fire. But these nanobots supposedly gave the millennials their powers back. Or at least, they improve natural abilities. That's what those files said. So if they work… I mean, nobody could say super strength and super speed aren't real superpowers. I bet Anita wouldn't have called me a fuckin' sidekick if I had super strength. 
Ow! Stop pecking me, use your goddamn words.
Ow! That was a joke, chill out. Besides, I'm not… seriously considering using these on myself, so you can relax. Even if I could be absolutely sure they'd work right, those millennials were exhausted after one little fire rescue. I don't wanna make that kind of trade-off. Plus, I think Boon might be pissed if she found out I not only stole these but used them and she, y'know, has a big ol' spear and shit. So you don't need to give me that look, thanks very much. 
I should probably like… work on the techno thing, though. Between the elevator in Zodiac and those security cameras I sure seem to be causing as many problems as I solve with it. Thank god Whiz thought to put on those lab coats. Man, he's so smart. I hope we can infiltrate a secret lab together again, 'cuz all things considered? Fuckin' incredible time. I hope his arms are okay, they looked like they weren't working right after. Y'know.
[various sounds mimicking explosions and crashing] 
I hope OG 's doing okay, too. I still don't really understand what that whole thing with the portal was. He got transformed by a Bishop scientist? Or a dryad was disguising herself as a Bishop scientist? We need to get back into Bishop and look into it but… I mean, I don't wanna step on his toes. Hooves. Whatever. Guess we'll just have to follow his lead and all but… god, I wanna know, y'know? Like, what was that root? Where did the portal go? How the fuck did this Oleandra Hemlock turn Overgrowth into… well, Overgrowth if she' s just like, a person?
[a yawn] 
Okay, okay, these are all… problems for future me. Right now what I really wanna focus on is this mech. I think we' re really close to finishing the plans for it. What do you think of the name I came up with?
Ow! Hey, I thought you'd like it! 
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go to bed. Why do I even need to text Cassi when you're around?
A-HA! Didn't get me that time. C'mon, birdbrain. Let's crash. I'll text her on the way.
[recording ends]	
== S4E27: Mistakes Were Made (Local Teen Yells At Bird)==
[recording begins]
[the sound of hard footfalls coming to a stop, and labored breathing]
Wingnut, what the hell? Get outta the way.
[more breathing]
C'mon dude, I can make the jump, what's that look for?
Look, I'm not going home yet, okay? I told Cassi I was staying at Big Base tonight anyways. I can stay out as late as I want. So if you don't mind…
[a pause]
Seriously, is something wrong? Are your wings not working? C'mere, let me see.
[a step. a quiet scrape of metal on concrete]
Are you… is this a game? Are you trying to play a game? Wingnut, c'mon, it's not funny. At least come over here so you can tell me why you decided it was time to stop.
[the whir of servos and a soft whooshing noise, and then a quiet clang and creaking of metal bending slightly]
Oh, great, so you're working fine, you're just purposefully ignoring me or whatever. Seriously, Wingnut, I thought you at least were supposed to actually be on my side!
[silence, broken only by the soft rush of a breeze and harsh breaths that slowly subside]
Ugh. Sorry, that's not fair. I'm just--I'm just pissed off!
[the sound of a fist against metal and then a scrabbling noise]
I'm pissed at AEGIS--and if you can hear me right NOW, you CREEPS, then FUCK OFF! I'm pissed at Smoke and I'm pissed at myself. People keep asking us to trust them but they clearly don't trust us. Why the fuck didn't Smoke just listen to us? Why did he attack us like that? We wanted to help! We could've compromised and worked together! And now instead he's all fucked up and AEGIS still has their superhero goop vats. And we're that much farther from getting rid of the superhero goop vats because AEGIS is definitely suspicious of us!
And I just… god, why didn't I just let him go? What's wrong with me? He could've just fucked off to get rid of the tubes and we could've kicked Mirror's ass or--or maybe she would've followed him or whatever and left us alone and--I dunno, we'd all be better off! Like, he said we were on the same side and despite everything I believe him. Like, I really do. So why did I do that? Fuck!
[another, louder clang]
And of course it all comes back to AEGIS and their fuckin--power trip. Seems like everyone wants their very own personal superheroes these days and they don't care what they have to do to get them. Like, was that sponsorship deal even legit? What were they planning to do once they had their own team of loyal agents with superheroes and didn't need us kids anymore? Use all that shit they found from spying on us to threaten us into getting on board or giving up?
[some shuffling and clothes rustling, and then a much softer thud]
God, what am I supposed to tell Cassi? Hey, this big powerful government agency has been spying on me and gathering information on everything there is to know about our family so they can use it against me if they decide I'm a threat. There's nothing you can do about it, just go about your life and hope they keep thinking I'm worth keeping around. Oh, and by the way, I lied to their faces, hacked into their secure systems, deleted their files, and insulted their director. And, just fyi, they thought I was dangerous before all that. So hey, fingers crossed! Not bad for someone who "shouldn't be a superhero," eh?
[another quiet thud]
Like! Are you kidding! I can't tell her any of that! I can't do that to her! There's nothing she can do about it but freak out! I just gotta--what, pretend everything's fine? Forever? God, I just… I'm so scared. I'm so fuckin' scared and I'm so mad that AEGIS thinks that because they do a lot of good for the city that gives them the right to do whatever they want. I wanna burn them to the ground but I can't because they're too big. Even deleting the files they have on us… that's just this one network. There's no way they don't have backups. I hope to god I at least made it more inconvenient for them to access it, but… Verve seemed really worried about whatever they had on her. I want to help her, but I don't know how. Does AEGIS have some massive server farm somewhere I can get to? What are the odds they invite me to go visit that after what I pulled, ha.
[a bitter laugh]
I probably shouldn't even talk about that shit out in the open. Who knows how they got all that information. They could have eyes everywhere. Deleting the data doesn't prevent them from just… rebuilding the files. Sets them back, sure, but… this isn't something I can do on my own. Big Team's gonna have to pull together. Maybe more than just Big Team.
Man, it was… it was really nice to stick it to them, though. Even if it didn't really help, even if it may have fucked us over in the long run… boy did it feel good. Y'know, I think I'm actually getting better at this techno thing. No dropped elevators. No security alarms. All my mistakes were just me, not my powers fucking up. That's kind of a relief, even if it also sucks because boy am I an idiot.
[a sigh, then a quiet grunt of effort and more rustling]
Okay, so, maybe you were right. Maybe I needed to get that out in a way besides midnight parkour. Thanks, Wingnut. Let's… Let's go back to Big Base. It's late.
[the whir of servos and a soft whooshing sound]
And hey, y'know what? We should check in on our old pal Gearhead one of these days. I haven't really thought about him since joining the team with everything that's been going on, but… I doubt he's gotten his act together in the past few weeks, but if AEGIS and Smoke care enough about him to distrust you, we should probably make sure he still sucks. It'll be fun. Take our mind off things.
[a very quiet, warm laugh]
Yeah, love you too, bud.
[recording ends]
== S4E29: New Friends, Old Concerns ==
[recording begins]
I think we're almost done, Wingnut, some stress-testing and your new little brother should be good to go.
[a clatter of metal and hard exhale]
Not a minute too soon, either. Fuckin' Bishop, man. I don't know what's more concerning: the idea that Bishop is working with vampires now, or that the magic rock is just out there for anybody to grab. Also, that mind control shit… is that something the rock does, or is it a vampire thing and the rock just helped? I hate not knowing this shit.
[soft footsteps, quiet scraping and clattering, and then a soft thud]
They're up to so much shit, Wingnut. I just keep thinking, like… is there some sort of common denominator? Turning Overgrowth into… well, Overgrowth, harvesting the Zodiac sap, the super-nanites and the Millenials… like, what's the end goal? Do they have an end goal? Or an end goal? It's like I have three puzzle pieces and I'm assuming they all belong to the same puzzle, but maybe they're three different puzzles by the same puzzle designer or… whatever. I dunno. Maybe I should… talk to Cardinal, or something. What I really want to do is get back in their HQ and get all up in their systems some more. Maybe find something less isolated than a single lab. Find all the skeletons I can. And they're not the only ones I want to do some digging on. Every goddamn organization in this city is angling to make their own personal superhero team, apparently. And we're out here making enemies of every one of them, aren't we, bud?
[the soft whir of servos and a laugh]
Yeah. But… man, vampires, huh? Shit's wild. And vampire hunters! There's a whole fuckin' vampire underworld, apparently! What did… what was her name, Mallory? What did she say? She met Carm in a vampire hunter bar? There are vampire hunter bars? That's fuckin' incredible. I wanna go to a vampire hunter bar. Like, don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with vampires on principle--if it's Carm vs vampire hunters, I'm Team Carm all the way. But clearly there are some bad eggs out there.
At least Ellen got rid of that one.
[another hard exhale]
God. I know she was doing some bad shit and there was clearly some sort of bad history with her and Carm but… it's weird to think she's just, like, ash. Just like that. I guess you can't really put a vampire in jail, if they can all turn into bats. And she seemed real intent on ruining Carm's day, not to mention the whole mind control and also the feeding on hospital patients thing. Plus, Ellen seems really cool, and she probably knows way more about all this vampire shit than I do. I trust her. If she thought that was the only way to deal with that situation, then… It's just weird to think about, is all.
[more whirring servos]
Yeah, dude, I'm fine. Besides, the rest of that mission went great! I got into those security cams without setting off every alarm in the hospital. We got out of that fucking elevator before it went into freefall this time. I even fixed Challenge's chitter thing!
No, I didn't forget that I also caused Challenge's chitter problem. I didn't need that reminder, actually, thanks, Wingnut. I'm focusing on the positives here. Like Metatron! How cool was it to see him again, huh? And we're friends now! I feel better knowing that if he gets in trouble he can call me, y'know?
Aww, don't be jealous. Of course I don't love Metatron more than you. You're my best friend, Wingnut, c'mon. I just feel… I dunno, is it weird to feel responsible for him? Like, I made it my responsibility to keep a lid on Gearhead's shit. I gotta look out for anybody he puts out in the world. Plus, I mean, you can't deny he's pretty cool.
[more servos, a soft whooshing sound, a click of metal on metal, and a loud laugh]
Don't be like that! I get it, you get a new younger sibling you didn't want, and suddenly you're afraid you won't still be the favorite. I can love other robots without loving you less, bud. I hope you're not gonna be jealous of the new baby.
C'mere, come see for yourself.
[a pause, and then more whooshing]
There, see? You'll always be my favorite.
… Man, I wonder if Cassi was upset when I was born. She's so overprotective now, it's hard to imagine. But how funny would it be if she hated me as a baby and I was just so cute I won her over?
God, Cassi. I swear to god, if she decides she wants to be a superhero after all… We cannot allow Cassi to join Big Team, Wingnut. I'll just die first. She doesn't have any superhero skills! Like, hey, if you wanna be a hero, sure, but… at least… actually, y'know what, if you wanna be a hero, be a hero, except if you're also my big sister. That's where I draw the line.
Maybe if she knew how dangerous things could get, like for real, she wouldn't be so excited about it. But if she knew that she might also actually do something to try to stop me, so… I guess I'll just have to hope she got it out of her system.
[a long sigh]
I still can't tell her about AEGIS. At least not until I've figured out some way to protect us from them. Protect all of Big Team, hopefully. I can't stop thinking about how freaked out Verve was about whatever they had on her. And they had Jackal's DNA, like… there is not a single good explanation for what they wanted that for.
Well, hopefully this'll help.
[a soft thud, a few footsteps, a pause, and then motors whirring, hinges creaking, and a sound like a very heavy footstep]
Morning, you big lug. Welcome to the team.
[recording ends]
== S4E42: Teen Yells At Bird (Guilty Remix) ==
[recording begins]
--mon, c'mon, please wake up, please wake up, Wingnut please--
[sound of servos whirring]
YES oh my god, oh thank god it worked, you're awake, oh god, buddy I was so scared you have no idea I'm so sorry, Wingnut, I'm so fucking sorry--
[more servos]
How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you feel normal? Everything intact?
[rustling sounds and then a light thud]
Here, plug yourself into this and I'll take a look.
[silence]
Oh, uh, right, no thumbs. I can work the plug. Right. Obviously.
--Ow! Hey, what was that for?
Hey! I get that you're mad at me, don't take it out on the cable. I'm trying to make sure I didn't give you, like, brain damage, okay? Just chill out for a second.
[more servos and a soft whooshing sound. The voice is now slightly louder]
Yes, hi, believe me, I missed you too, pal. Can I run a diagnostic, now?
No, Wingnut--yes, that's very cute, but we're doing this analog-style, okay? No technopathy allowed.
Oh, don't give me that look. Fuckin' forgive me if I don't want to go rooting around in your brain again after I just almost killed you doing exactly that!
Ow! Look, you can peck my whole hand off if you want but I'm still not gonna use my powers on you.
Okay, ow, I didn't mean to actually peck my hand off, Wingnut! Jesus, would you just--Oh, real mature, yes. That wasn't even my cable, Wingnut. You're gonna have to explain that one to GAIA, not me. Look, this doesn't have to be a whole big--stop touching me!
[a loud clatter and slam]
I'm not kidding, Wingnut! I'm not fucking around here! You almost died, did you forget that? Did I scramble your brains that badly? I almost killed you, you dumb fucking bird. Do you get that? You could be dead right now, because of me! Because of my powers! So no, I'm not going anywhere near you with them until I can figure out how to make sure that never happens again, okay? I can't risk that. I can't… I couldn't…
[labored breathing that devolves into the sound of crying, which eventually subsides into sniffling]
Sorry. 'M sorry, I shouldn't yell at you. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm just scared, is all. Dropping elevators and setting off alarms is one thing, but I haven't done anything that wrong with my powers… ever. I just… totally lost control. Like, I was just… trapped in there, watching things disappear, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Cassi warned me my powers might be dangerous but I just… I didn't believe her, I guess. But from now on we're gonna be careful, okay? I can't fuck up like that again.
[one loud sniff and some rustling around]
Fuckin'... threw the stool, even. I'm a goddamn mess, huh?
[a sigh]
At least it wasn't all bad, right? We rescued Metatron. Didn't have time to figure out why they wanted him, or why they were hurting him but… whatever it was, I'm glad we got him out. And it's nice that he called, y'know? I'm glad he knows he can come to me for help.
And it looks like I was right to trust Smoke. He really is on our side. I feel even worse for attacking him now, but… hey, at least we might have stopped Mirror from getting her hands on that AEGIS stuff. I'm gonna choose to believe that because god knows I'm feeling guilty enough for everything that happened this mission.
Whatever Smoke's… master plan, or whatever, if he even really has one--he's gonna need our help. I really like the guy, but… I don't think he understands, like, blueprints? He keeps asking us to steal or destroy stuff like there's no way to make more. Also he keeps getting beat to hell. And if Mirror's any indication, the guy's not so great a judge of character. We gotta help him. Thank god Phoenix went back and fished him out of Bishop's clutches, huh.
God, Phoenix. You weren't… um, awake for that, but she totally saved my life, Wingnut. Metatron and I stopped this sign from falling--um, there was this crazy wizard who wanted to buy the Future Sight and also kill Phoenix, and they were doing weird time stuff, and Whiz tried to, like, cancel out their time stuff with his time stuff? And it knocked a sign over--anyways, Metatron and I caught the sign, but, uh… um, Metatron doesn't have, like, handholds? Or seatbelts? And I may have a little bit fallen off while up in the air.
Ow, it's not my fault Gearhead didn't put seatbelts on him, okay! And look, it was fine, Phoenix literally swooped in to save my ass. It was incredible, honestly. And I guess while I was falling to my death, Cypher dealt with the wizard--uh, their name was Conmoro, I think--and Mirror just fully fucked off while we were all busy doing our best not to die, so we just took unconscious Whiz--okay, look, I'm telling the story all out of order, the Future Sight blew up on Whiz's back and knocked him the fuck out, but he's fine--and went back to the base to fix everyone up and also ask Smoke what the hell his deal was.
He's… okay, remember when we went to AEGIS, and there was that nice scientist dude who smiled a lot and knew Whiz? Ribaldo or some shit? That guy's Smoke. He's playing a dangerous game fucking around with AEGIS while he still works for them, but apparently they haven't caught him yet, so more power to him, I guess. His invisibility thing got us into the Bishop facility, so I guess that's helpful for making sure they don't sniff him out. Hopefully if they do find him out, he gets enough warning he can, like, skedaddle before he gets got.
And the Future Sight's gone. Y'know, fingers crossed. Phoenix totally slagged the one Bishop had at that facility, and I deleted the blueprint, so… here's hoping they don't come up with another one. I hope Whiz feels better about it. I don't know the whole story there, but… that thing messes with him.
Oh, I stole this, too.
[soft thump]
Dunno how a book powers a mech suit. I'll have to ask one of the magic fucks around here if they can tell what's up with it. But I sure don't like that Bishop have magic mech suits, that's for sure. I'm not a fan of any evil robot I can't turn off, personally.
[long, tired exhale]
Okay. If you don't want to do the diagnostic, there's no point hanging around down here. I'll text Cassi that I'm crashing here tonight. I… don't want to answer any questions about today, frankly. Let's go to bed.
[rustling and clattering, and then a soft whirring sound]
Love you, Wingnut. I'm… I'm sorry.
[recording ends]
== S4E44: Boys' Night ==
[recording begins]
Hey Mel, whatcha--
Oh jesus christ, Cassi, you scared the shit outta me!
[laughter]
Okay, touchy, chill out. It's just me.
Yeah, well, I thought you might've been Mom and Dad. Or like, a burglar.
It's only like six o'clock, Mom and Dad are never home this early. I get home around now every Friday this semester, which you'd know if you ever left your room, you dork.
Well I can't just bring Wingnut out into the open, what if they get home early? At least in my room I'd have advance warning.
Okay, so why are you out here now then, genius?
… You can't make fun of me.
Oh, well now I need to know.
Cassi.
Fine, fine, promise I won't make fun, or whatever. What's up?
Um, you know those dolls of me and Frankie?
What? No, I… wait. Fuck, damn it Mel, I'd managed to forget about them until you brought them up again!
Okay so it's possible I also forgot about them a little bit and then I opened the door and the me-doll was staring at me and when I was in my room it felt like it was… watching me.
Jesus, Mel, just get rid of them!
No way, I can't just waste something like that. I'll just… put my helmet on it, or something.
Your what?
Oh, I got a new helmet! We had a mission last night in Zodiac City, and obviously I was gonna use Lugnut to get us to the gondola, but Box is a fuckin' square and wouldn't get on until we were all wearing helmets.
Wait, have you been riding your giant robot thing without a helmet?!
Uh, no comment. Anyways, GAIA made me a cool one with the costume machine so I figured, like, whatever, I'll just put it on. And it has a visor so I can use it to block fake me's terrifying unblinking eyes.
And wear it while driving your big robot all over the city.
Sure, whatever.
Melchior.
I said sure!
Okay, okay. So, you said you had a mission?
Yeah, it was fuckin' wild.
Let me put my stuff down and you can tell me about it.
M'kay.
[footsteps, distant rustling and thuds, then more footsteps and a muffled thud of someone dropping heavily on a cushion]
So! Hero stuff.
Yeah, hero stuff. So, I was at Big Base, just doing some maintenance on Lugnut, you know, when I get a call through this app that I guess GAIA downloaded on all our phones. It was me, Cardinal--uh, I dunno if you remember, he was on the team when we went inside the Zodiac Tree?
Oh, god. That was the… Oh! With the earthquakes and the--
And the elevator, yeah. He was the one that mostly ran off on his own and ignored us. He did pretty much the same today. I think he just doesn't like us, honestly. But anyways! It was Cardinal, and also Phalanx and this guy Box? And boy is that appropriate, 'cause dude's a square.
Yes, you said. He made you wear a helmet?
Yeah, he was real insistent about it. So anyways it was us four and also this retired hero Subliminal.
Oh, I recognize that name.
Yeah, she was cool. So she tells us that somebody's been doing weird mind control shit implanting thoughts into people's brains and telling them to go to this nightclub in Zodiac. So we all go to Zodiac and--
Hold on, you went to a nightclub?
On hero business Cassi, c'mon.
And they let you into a nightclub? You don't have a fake ID, do you?
No, Cassi, seriously, why would I even want one? That's the thing, they didn't let us in. Well, I mean, I guess technically they did, but not really? Cardinal did his Cardinal thing and just snuck in invisible so the rest of us decided to go around the back. And I was like, well hey, we're superheroes, we're here to stop a supervillain, why don't we just ask them to let us in?
Oh no, Mel…
So then Box was like "Yeah!" and he just did it! Like, he just walked up to the security guy by the back door and started telling him about the mission and how he should let us in. He even called GAIA. Like, it was wild. And listen, I know I suggested it, but I was not expecting it to work.
So you're telling me--
It did! Like, I think there was something going on inside too, but the dude eventually was just like, fine, whatever, and let us in. So then of course we immediately split up.
Seriously?"
Well, look. Box saw some dude and just fuckin' stormed off to go pick a fight, and Cardinal and Phalanx followed him, but like, if Box knew somebody with mind control don't you think he would've mentioned it? So I figured I'd let them sort that out and try to find a lead.
Okay, so you were standing there alone in a night club--
Well, not for very long. This guy came over and started talking to me and it turns out he was the son of the nightclub owners! And he didn't know anything about mind control but like, I figured if anyone could give me a lead to follow it'd be this guy. And he asked me if I wanted a drink so I was like yeah, sure, and--
Melchior--
Not a drink drink! Jesus, take a chill pill, Cass. He's also like my age so we just had soda. It was cool.
Hmmm.
Oh, don't look at me like that. It was for a mission! I was getting information!
Why are you blushing, then?
So ANYWAYS, I'm talking to Nate about stuff, and--
Oh, Nate, huh?
--AND he tells me about how the night club basement was rented out to some weirdo. So I'm like, perfect, basement weirdo, that's GOT to be the supervillain. So I ask Nate to show me the basement.
By yourself?
I'm gonna be honest, I have no fuckin' clue what the other guys were getting up to. I think there might have been drugs involved? Seriously just. No fuckin' idea. But they weren't inside the club anymore, so yeah, I figured I'd go scope the place out and track them down when I had something to go on.
So it had nothing to do with, say, cute boy-induced stupidity?
Cassi, please, I'm a professional! I was very focused on the mission!
Mm-hm. I'm sure.
[sudden hiss of pain]
Whoa, Mel, are you okay? I didn't elbow you that hard--
No, no, I'm fine, you just, uh, surprised me--hey, paws off!
Jesus christ, Mel! You look like you got run over by a truck! Or fell off a cliff!
It's fine, just don't touch it, jesus--look, I'm getting to that point.
Wait, did you actually get hit by a truck?
No!
You fell off a cliff?
No! Would you let me explain?
I'm getting you some ice for those bruises, first.
Fine, whatever. But hurry up, I'm getting to the good part.
[more footsteps and shuffling]
Okay, here. And maybe tell me next time someone uses you as a human punching bag, huh?
I was getting there! So Nate and I get down to the basement, and I open the door and, okay, so for whatever reason I really wasn't expecting it to be occupied. But, uh, it was. We opened the door and there were all these guys in there wearing obvious supervillain suits, and also like four people tied to chairs over a pool of acid.
Holy shit.
Right? So I'm like, okay, guess it's go time! And I tell Nate to go run and get my team and just, y'know, jump in there.
Christ, Mel, that sounds--
Dangerous, I know. But like, what was I gonna do? Apparently they really wanted Savior to show up, and figured if the acid trap wouldn't work then beating up Big Team would. And since I was already there, it's not like I could just lead them back into the night club. There were people in there! So I just started fighting them.
By yourself.
Yeah, but not for long. Phalanx came crashing in through the ceiling. I like Phalanx, he's great. Breaks a lot of shit, though. So I'm fighting like, twelve guys with super strength and metal baseball bats, but like, I'm doing fine, honestly. I got a little beat up, sure, but we figured out that it wasn't twelve guys, it was just one person who can make like, duplicates of themself. So Phalanx gets some of the hostages out and then he and Cardinal like, fuck around with the acid pit for a while or something, I dunno, I was being hit with baseball bats.
Eugh. You said. I don't like hearing about those parts of the missions, actually.
Well, I didn't particularly like living them, to be honest. So The Endangerers--did I mention they called themselves The Endangerers? Lame as hell--figure they're getting their shit kicked in so they grab the hostages and cheese it. So I call Lugnut, and he crashes through a wall and we take off after them. We passed Box, and--okay, I'll be honest, I don't really know what Box was doing. Evacuating the night club, or something? Probably a good thing he didn't make it downstairs, honestly, I think if you hit that guy he might just, like, die.
Does he have--
Powers? I mean, probably. I didn't see him use any, so maybe he really is just, like, a doctor. Or maybe he just didn't feel like he needed to use them or whatever. Anyways, I'm going after The Endangerers, and they make these shadow duplicates to try to throw me off the scent but jokes on them, Wingnut can see through their shit and Lugnut is fast so I cut them off pretty easy. And then Phalanx showed up carrying Box and we interrogated them for a bit.
Okay, and?
And it turns out Savior's actually kind of a dick. Also, we both got played.
Wait, really?
Yeah! Apparently The Endangerers used to be Savior's, like, hero partner. I forgot to ask what their hero name was, but I guess if I really wanted I could find out. And they, like, got really hurt in a burning building or something? And while they were in the hospital Savior totally ditched them and went and got famous on his own. Total dick move. So they decided that they had to, like, show him that he couldn't save everyone or something.
You've lost me there.
Well, it wasn't a good idea. But since when do villains have good ideas? That's why they're villains. But apparently they also didn't mean to like, take hostages or whatever, like, they got to the basement and they were already there. Which, like, obviously the move there is to let the hostages go if you're not a dick. But they didn't mean for things to escalate. And get this, Phalanx totally talked them out of villainy. Like, they agreed that the better plan was to be a hero and show Savior how it's done. Y'know, I hope it works out for them.
Oh, sure. I can't see any way this could go badly.
Well, if it does, it probably won't be for me! But anyways, like I said, we totally got played. We were feeling great about saving everyone and convincing Endangerers to knock it off. But then Box remembered that we got sent this mission in the first place because someone was mind controlling people. And Endangerers definitely didn't have mind control.
So there was another supervillain?
Sure was! And I'd totally forgotten about the whole mind control thing. But Endangerers told us that the person that rented the basement and set them up for the whole thing was this lady named Dr. Disaster, MD. Which. Much better name than The Endangerers, I just want to say.
Impeccable priorities there, Mel.
Thank you. So we go back to get Cardinal who was, like, frozen in time, or something? From trying to stop the nightclub from collapsing?
You collapsed a nightclub?
Maybe! In my defense, it was Phalanx who crashed through the foundation! Lugnut only went through a wall! Way less load bearing!
Christ, Mel!
Look, it was fine, everyone evacuated. Nate wasn't even mad. He even gave me his number! But we couldn't talk because we had an address and had to go beat up a doctor.
Oh, so is Nate who you were texting when I came in? Is that why you bit my head off?
You're getting off topic!
Off your topic, maybe.
Well, I'm the superhero here, so my topic is better. So we regroup with Cardinal and take the gondola back into Halcyon. And one of the hostages we saved gave us this weird thing that was on them, that I talked to and figured it, like… collects emotions? It was weird.
What do you mean, collects emotions?
Exactly what I said! Look, it'll make more sense in a minute. Be patient.
[a sigh]
Okay, okay, go on.
Great. So we get to the place where Dr. Disaster is supposed to be, but it's on the eighth floor of a skyscraper. And like, no way could I get Lugnut in an elevator. Also, I hate elevators. The feeling is mutual.
There is no good ending to this story.
Hush. So Box thinks we're being idiots and takes the elevator, but Phalanx is a bro and agrees to help. Cardinal and I get on Lugnut and then Phalanx just picks him up and jumps up through the window.
Jesus!
It was awesome! Okay, so Phalanx and Cardinal wiped the fuck out. But I was fine. And Box was fine in the elevator. The place was just, like, an office building, and all the employees freaked out when we showed up--
When a teenager carrying a giant robot dinosaur crashed through the window, you mean, something not freaky at all--
Shhh! So they ran off and took this, like, teleporter thing away. Which was really cool and I would've liked to find out more about it, but we had other priorities. So Lugnut helped me find the plans on their computers and apparently the whole thing was a set up to collect the feeling of getting saved by a superhero from these weird mind devices so they could like, put it in products? And sell it?
That's… that's really creepy. Oh, I do not like that.
Yeah, super skeevy! So naturally I was like "nah, you don't get that" and deleted the data and plans off their computers.
[a burst of laughter]
What?
Nothing, nothing, just--good for you, Mel.
Hey, thanks! At that point we figured we'd done pretty much all we could for one night. I mean, it was like eleven at night. So Phalanx and Cardinal and I went to McDonald's. Box just went home to sleep, the square. Honestly, very successful mission. We thwarted two evil plans, plus whatever the fuck the other guys did.
And you got beat within an inch of your life.
Oh, don't exaggerate. I'm fine, aren't I?
Hmmm.
Cassi, seriously. If anything really bad happens to me, you'll know about it. I made you my emergency contact with GAIA.
[sigh]
I guess that's all I'll get from you, huh?
Yeah, probably!
[another long sigh, then a chuckle]
So, about Nate--
Well, I should make sure Wingnut's out of sight before Mom and Dad get home! It's been real, Cassi, thanks for the ice--
Melchior Mercury, don't you run from me--
Wingnut! Help m--
[recording ends]
== S4E57: Mirror, Mirror ==
[recording begins]
[muffled sounds of a door opening and closing and footsteps]
Hey, Cassi, are you--
Melchior? Is that you?
[footsteps stop]
Oh, sh--uh, Mom? I thought you and Dad were gonna be out tonight.
Were you out? Where have you been? Cassiopeia said you were working in your room--
Uh, I was, totally, but I just went out for a bit, you must've missed me--
It's nearly eleven at night, Melchior.
I mean, yeah, okay, but it is a Saturday--
Melchior.
Look, I was just… hanging out with some friends.
Doing what, exactly?
Nothing, seriously, we were just hanging out!
You didn't have anything more productive you could be doing? No homework?
I mean, I have all of tomorrow to--
Schoolwork is more important than your friends, Melchior. You know that.
[silence]
Go to bed, Melchior. We can discuss your responsibilities tomorrow.
… Yeah, fine, whatever.
I don't like your tone, young man.
[silence, then a frustrated sigh]
Just go.
[rapid footsteps, a door banging closed, and then the sound of a zipper and the sound gets much clearer]
Hey, Wingnut. Sorry about that. Go meet me on the roof, okay? We shouldn't talk in here.
[recording ends]
[recording begins; there is a faint sound of wind and city bustle in the background]
I swear, from now on, we're coming in the window even if there's no one home. I wish Cassi had warned me, jeez. Imagine if we'd been alone in the elevator and I let you out of the bag, huh? That little scene could have gone, uh, differently.
[long exhale]
… Oh! Forget Mom, though, I was gonna fill you in. You missed a lot, Wingnut. Okay, uh… You were there for our sick stunt up the cable car wire, saving those kids… okay, okay. So after I told you to go follow those Bishop goons we decided our best bet was to split up and cover a bigger area so we could find Mirror faster. Since Ernest and I could go fast and were pretty conspicuous, we went one way and Cypher and Jackal decided to go on foot the other way and like, be sneaky and shit.
So Ernest and I end up in this neighborhood where like, all the buildings were owned by Bishop? And more Bishop goons were around. One tried to stop us from going any further--he said they were specifically trying to stop Big Team from going any further, as if that would do anything but make us want to go way more--but we mostly just laughed at him until he suddenly realized Ernest can like, electrocute people and told us to just go. I think Ernest felt pretty bad about it, but honestly, if intimidating people means they'll let us do our thing without a fight, is it really a bad thing?
But anyways, he let us go, and we kept going until we, uh, crashed through a roof. And good thing, too, 'cause inside that building were a whole bunch of unconscious AEGIS guys who were all tied up. We let them go, because yeah, AEGIS sucks and all, but there were earthquakes. Treequakes. Whatever. Also, they had these like, energy handcuffs and I wanted them.
Turns out they all got their asses kicked by a teen, though, 'cause she showed up while we were trying to get some info out of the only one who woke up and started like, growing crazy roots and shit. And naturally it's right then that we see the sign from Cypher that shit was going down with the other team.
So as much as we would've liked to just kick this girl's ass, Ernest made this like, duplicate of himself? Out of lightning? It was cool. Ernest is cool as hell, dude. I've like, I've seen him a couple times since he invited me and Frankie and Taxon to join the team, but this was the first mission I've been on with him since we went to the Dataverse. Don't get me wrong, I like Jackal and Cypher plenty, but it was really cool working with Ernest again. He saw us when we were just getting started, y'know? And look how far we've come since then.
But yeah, anyway. He made this lightning duplicate and it started fighting that girl and we fuckin' cheesed it out of there towards Cypher's signal. Totally abandoned those AEGIS grunts but… listen. They're supposed to be able to take care of themselves, anyways.
So get this: we show up to where they're already fighting, and there's a giant Future Sight, powered by those batteries Bishop was using to zap Metatron--uh, apparently they made them out of Ernest's lightning, or something? I hope whatever else I deleted on that computer was worth it, because apparently we didn't stop them from making a fuckin' super time machine.
Plus I couldn't even fight Mirror, because I had to turn off the evil time machine! Not that Jackal and Ernest needed the help, but like, I wanted to kick her ass! Though also, maybe we should've reconsidered who we took to fight someone who copies powers because hoo boy were there crazy shadow chains and lightning flying everywhere. Plus the lightning supercharged the Future Sight, and when I told it to knock that shit off it fried poor Lugnut pretty good. Oh, also me. It also fried me.
Ow! I'm fine, don't look at me like that. Lugnut has more lasting damage than I do, and he'll be fine after some repair work.
Okay, but then--and then, Ernest went, like, supernova. He turned into like a gay lightning giant and obliterated the Future Sight and the batteries. It was awesome!
Naturally Mirror just surrendered at that point--with a little encouragement from Jackal--and I had those energy handcuffs I took off the AEGIS goons to arrest her with. It was a great moment until she made it weird again, but at least I got to hit her.
Oh, but you were there for that, weren't you? I didn't see you show up but I think you were there. So you were there for Carter showing up and scowling at us like the jerk he is and… Dr. Ribaldi.
[a long exhale]
I wish he'd let us help him. Like, I'm glad he's figured out a way to counter Future Sight, I'm sure Whiz'll be thrilled about that even if he's still made at Ribaldi. But I don't like that he's just… resigned to going to AEGIS jail. Does AEGIS have their own jail? That seems like something they'd have.
Don't get me wrong. I am fully confident in our ability to break him out of super-jail. But… I don't like that he like, I dunno, thinks he deserves it? I mean, sure, he helped Mirror, but he didn't know she was selling the shit they stole to assholes. And if breaking into AEGIS and Bishop to steal their shit means you deserve to go to super-jail, like, what does that make us, huh?
[silence, except for the wind and the sound of traffic]
Well, that's a problem for future us, I guess. Overall today was a win. Treequakes are stopped, Mirror's in jail, Bishop didn't get to use the giant Future Sight, everybody made it out okay. Nate and his family got out of the city. Lugnut will be fine. Gonna get a lecture tomorrow but that's nothing new, at least.
[quiet groan and rustling]
All right, let's go back down. I put the doll-me in my bed so if anybody looks in they won't know I'm gone, but it doesn't exactly stand up to scrutiny. And god knows I don't want to explain that to Mom and Dad.
[recording ends]
== S4E68,70,73: Bolt's Long Weekend (Local Girl Yells At Teen) ==
[recording begins; sound is distant and muffled]
--hit, hey, Cassi! Jeez, you scared me. What's--ack!
Melchior Mercury, where on god's green earth have you been?
Look, it's a really long story--
[a loud door slam and the voices are suddenly much nearer and clearer]
Hello, Wingnut. Now you, sit.
[creak of bedsprings]
Talk.
Okay, so. First of all, I swear I didn't know I would be gone this long. I was supposed to be back Sunday. And I was, technically! But then something came up again, and I had no way of knowing I'd be stuck in Canada that long, and then there was the police coup, and I couldn't just, like, not--
Okay, stop. Mel. Stop. Now try again, slowly. Start at the beginning.
Okay, but I told you it's a long story.
[soft sounds of chair legs scraping across the floor]
I got time.
All right! So, I told you I was going on a road trip this weekend.
Yes. For two days.
Right! So you know the Millenium Dawn? That hero group that popped up a little while back?
Uh… yeah, I think I've seen them on the news once or twice.
Yeah, them! So like, not to get into it too deep, but they were working with Bishop, who was experimenting on them, and they finally decided to cut themselves loose and Bishop wasn't too happy about it. They have these like, power-enhancing nanite things they used on the millennials, and they accused them of like, "stealing their property" or whatever by running off with them. But one of them has a cousin in California, so they found an RV somewhere and were driving out there. Boon, Cypher and I went along as backup just in case. That was the roadtrip.
So not exactly 'I'm going on a roadtrip with my friends,' huh?
Hey! Boon and Cypher are my friends!
Mel!
Okay, okay, so I oversimplified. Look, it was fine! The worst fight we had was a fuckin' rest stop snowball fight where none of us could even hit each other. Well, and the casino, but I think Boon was the only one that got got there.
I'm sorry, casino?
Oh, uh…
Melchior. What did you do at a casino? You're not even eighteen!
Look, in my defense, if you had the ability to theoretically talk to slot machines, and you just so happened to pass through Vegas--
[the sharp sound of a chair being shoved aside]
Mel! Did you use your powers to rob a casino?! Did you seriously sneak into a casino while underage, and then steal from it?! Is that what you're doing on Big Team?!
Cassi! You're making it sound worse than it is! I just--cheated a little! I just wanted to see if I could!
Don't give me that--bullshit! You know perfectly well that you could! You just wanted to see if you'd get away with it!
Well, I--I did! I mean, I think Boon got a little tased, but she was fine, seriously--
It's not about whether you did or didn't get away with it, Mel! It's not even about Boon getting tased, though you should certainly apologize for getting your friend hurt with your own stupidity. This is about you using your powers to steal. Just because.
Look, it's really not a big deal!
Not a big deal? Are you kidding me? You took advantage of your powers to steal for your own gain. You know who does that? 'Cause it's not heroes, that's for sure.
Cassi, c'mon. Don't be ridiculous. I'm not a supervillain.
[a long sigh and then a soft thud]
Mel. Do you know why I cover for you with Mom and Dad?
Um. Is it because you love me and also don't want to deal with what might happen if they found out?
[a quiet snort]
That's part of it, sure. But it's also because… you're reckless and don't think things through, but I believe in you. I believe in Bolt. I want you to be able to be a hero, and I'm proud of you for using your powers to help people, even though it scares me to death to think of you going toe to toe with the kinds of people superheroes fight. But this? Mel. If this is what you're out there doing, I can't help you.
What?! Cassi! C'mon, please, I did one stupid thing. I promise I won't rob any more casinos. You can't just abandon me to Mom and Dad!
It's not just the casino, Mel! I need to know you have your priorities straight. If you're gonna go running into dangerous situations because of your powers, I need to know that you're at least doing it for the right reasons. Look--why did you decide to become a hero in the first place?
I mean, I got superpowers. What else was I gonna do?
C'mon, Mel. You could've done anything with your powers. Or nothing! You could've just gone about life being better than most people with computers, but you decided to use them to stop Gearhead. Why?
I mean, he was hurting Wingnut. He would've hurt more people. I couldn't just, like, let him.
Exactly! You wanted to help people. That's why I agreed to cover for you, even though I hated every second of it. That's the Bolt I believe in. I want to help you save people.
I do save people! I saved people this weekend! It was just one stupid mistake! Seriously, Cassi, please, you can't tell. I love being a hero. I love Big Team! I love my friends, and Wingnut, and Lugnut, and if Mom and Dad--
Mel. Mel! Relax. It's okay. I'm not gonna tell them.
[a long pause; Mel's agitated breathing slowly calms]
You're… you're not?
No. I promise. I believe you, okay? I'm just saying. Remember that you're supposed to be one of the good guys. No more robberies.
… Okay. I promise. But--
Oh, no, no buts--
I'm just saying! There are bad people out there, and sometimes they have things they shouldn't!
[a sigh]
Okay, okay. It's not exactly what I'd call 'heroic,' but I suppose taking things from villains is fine. But that's a fine line you're walking, mister.
Okay, I get it. Responsible use of power only from now on out. Or at least, y'know. No wanton criminal activity.
[another, longer sigh]
If that's the most I can ask for, then okay. I'll take no wanton criminal activity.
… So… do you still want to hear about the rest of the weekend?
Jesus, was that not it?
No! I'm pretty sure that was still Sunday!
Christ, seriously? 
Yeah, you're telling me!
Okay, okay, keep going.
So, we cheesed it out of Vegas and made it to California really without any problems. Like, honestly, they didn't need our help at all. But I guess it was better safe than sorry. Also I think Carson wanted to tell us about his timeline theory before he left. But honestly, it was fun. And then we got to California--
Wait, timeline theory?
Okay, I'm gonna be honest. He woke us up in the middle of the night, and then like a million things happened afterwards so I don't fully remember what he was talking about. But I think it was something like, they came from a different timeline? And also this timeline's version of him was the dick AEGIS agent who hates us for no reason? And he was planning to go back to his original timeline? I don't remember how. Or even if he told us how he was gonna do it. I'll be honest, it really struck me as a him problem.
How heroic of you.
Listen, I can only do so much. So anyways, we get to California, drop them off, say our goodbyes, me and Boon go get a fuckin' box because we realize we have to fly back to Halcyon and there's no way TSA is letting a robotic bird or a magic fuckin' spear in as our carry-ons, and we flew home. I went right to the base, because I had to leave Lugnut behind for the sake of flying under the radar, and he's never been alone that long before, and I wanted to check on him, and that's when mission number two happened.
Of course it was. So what was mission number two?
So I was watching Shade and Jackal train in the Danger Room, and I wanted to see if I could use my powers to affect what was happening in there, so I jacked in and it turns out I totally can and made them fight Lugnut-dragons, and it was awesome. But anyways, they fight off my holograms and we're all having a great time when Jackal gets a phone call.
Turns out, this former Big Team hero--uh, her name is Gwen--was in trouble and needed us to find some shit and get it to her somewhere in Canada before midnight, or some faeries would like, freeze her in a block of ice for a year? Or something? Still not a hundred percent on the why, but Jackal and Verve seemed to care about her a lot, and obviously Shade and I were gonna help, so we went off to find the stuff we needed.
Okay, the first part was the best. We went to this big mansion where apparently a bunch of people I don't know and also Boon for some reason live, and we met this super car. And I mean super car. Her name is the Baroness and she's awesome. She can talk, for one. To people besides me, I mean. We had to put her back together because her boyfriend or whatever took her apart for maintenance, but luckily I'm very good at putting machines back together. Also, I gave her new flamethrowers, and I think she really liked them. And she's, like, fuckin' super speedy. So we had our transportation to the middle of nowhere in Canada.
So then we needed a power cell. And, okay, so I happened to know a place where Bishop builds evil machines. And we may have broken in to steal one.
Seriously, Mel?
Listen! It was from Bishop's evil robots! Anything that makes their lives harder and gives them fewer robots to terrorize people with is a good thing! And it turns out Jackal had stuff to make disguises and also fake IDs for us… somewhere. I dunno, we decided to sneak in by pretending to be employees and she asked us for our fake names and then just drove off somewhere and came back with the stuff. I didn't ask.
Well, that's… handy.
Sure was! And Shade even still had the labcoat she used when she pretended to be Gearhead's intern last time we hung out! So she and Verve pretended to be interns, and I was gonna be an engineer 'cause I had my tools and Wingnut, and Jackal was our security, because she looks like she can beat someone up. And also she can beat someone up. But, y'know. And, like, honestly? It worked pretty well!
I can not believe that actually worked. You guys are teens. I mean, seriously?
Seriously! We got all the way to the assembly line where they were making their time robots. Nobody really questioned us until we started fucking shit up, except that one security guard and Shade and Verve handled that guy like fuckin' champions.
Hold on, back up. Time robots?
Look, I don't have the whole story, I wasn't there for the time robots. I just know they can… do time.
'Do time'?
I just said I don't have the whole story! What I do know is what the fuckin' Future Sight looks like, though, and they'd done something to the power cells with it. So we decided, okay, I'll cause a distraction by messing with the machines up the assembly line. The girls all had super strength, so they would grab the cells out of the machine putting them in the robots, and we'd skedaddle. And it worked great, except they absolutely noticed us and the robots attacked. Also, Verve vanished at one point and came back and I have no idea what happened because I was a floor away, but like, I think she's good?
Anyways, robots attack, Jackal fuckin' punches a hole in the wall, Shade and Verve get the robots to let go of me and Wingnut, and then who else but the Baroness herself blasts in through the wall, flamethrowers the hell out of the robots, and then we all pile in and zoom on outta there. Also I got one of the assembly machines to malfunction, so we not only got the power cells for Gwen and the Baroness--oh yeah, I promised her a new power cell--but we disrupted Bishop's operations for a bit. Overall resounding success.
And… just how much sleep, exactly, were you working on when you came up with this plan?
That's not important. Anyways, the last thing we needed was this box Gwen left with this girl Sam that I've met sort of one time but Verve is apparently like, friends with so we just drove over there. I didn't even go in the house but the others went in and came back out with the box. I was gonna look and see what was so important inside the box that Gwen needed it by midnight or she'd die or whatever, but, uh… then Verve started driving.
… Why did you say it like that?
Because she, uh… well, to put it nicely, she didn't handle the superspeed all that great. The three of us were a little preoccupied trying to make sure we didn't crash the whole way to Canada. Thank god we weren't actually going to France, I don't think we would've survived.
I'm sorry, France?
Eh, you had to be there. Anyway, we find Gwen, and apparently she needed all that shit for, like, a rock concert? So I put one of the batteries into the thing and then she and the others put on a concert and Gwen didn't get frozen and it was great. But the Baroness got a little busted in the entry, so we had to take the long way back to Halcyon and it took… a while.
And you didn't, y'know, think to text me and tell me you weren't gonna be home?
Okay, so, my bad. But I was really tired and also really into this game of I, Spy we had going on. And I was gonna explain everything when we got home, but, well.
Oh, boy. 'But, well' what, Mel?
Y'know that forum on technology Bishop was having…
Um… no, I… oh! Oh, yeah, I remember you mentioning something like that.
Yeah! Well, it was like, a couple hours after we got back. And you were still at school anyways, so I figured I'd just go and it'd be fine. Verve came too! And Ellen and Carm--Ellen and Carm are back!
Sorry, back?
Oh, okay, um, so basically, Ellen and Carm took a time machine that I may have helped them acquire--
Mel--
From a supervillain! And they went back in time and we all thought they were gonna be gone for good but apparently they crashed the timecycle or something and they're back for a while. And they have the coolest shit, like, Carm has spaceship parts implanted in her now. And Ellen has these, like, gravity boots? And a yoink glove. Like, they've always been cool, but they really upped their game.
Sorry, did you say 'yoink glove'?
Yeah. So the four of us went to the forum as like, Big Team representatives or whatever. We had to defend the whole superhero thing to some asshole, but then these robots showed up and tried to arrest Carm! For treason! She's not even american!
Um--
And like, some other crimes too, but the treason one is the wildest. So naturally we're like 'no, you can't arrest Carm' and were handling these shitty robots great when fuckin' Rubicons bust through the wall, and also a police car busts through the wall, and the Rubicons are about to start shooting random people because, and I cannot stress this enough, they suck. But then this Zodiac cop convinces Carm to gtfo so we all just follow them out the building. He pretended to arrest her and we took Lugnut and Ellen's motorcycle and followed after them.
He took us to this weird building and down an elevator--ugh--and surprise surprise, he's not a real cop. Apparently he's like, a weird sex alien? Nobody wanted to tell me anything about them. But down in the basement was, like, half of St. Smithton's curling team. And apparently one of them is like, the police commissioner's daughter? And she told us that he was trying to stage a police coup of Halcyon, and their first target was Monkey, because Monkey's been up to some shady shit lately and he's not that popular.
Okay, I'm sorry, what?
Yeah, it was a really wild, like, half an hour. So they had a police scanner and we figured out where Monkey was hiding out, and that the police would be there soon. So the four of us went to go get Monkey, and the curling team and the sex alien went to go get this groundhog kid that they apparently were using as an undercover in the police. 
Look, Tuesday was weird.
Yeah, I'm getting that!
So we hightail it out to this rich neighborhood where Monkey's hiding out, and the police are already there. So Verve gets up and gives this speech like a fucking champion and convinces this like elite squad to back the fuck off. But then Rubicons start attacking, because fuckin' of course they did. And then more of those shitty bounty hunter robots showed up, because fucking of course they did. And you'll never guess who made the shitty robots!
Oh, um, okay, I need a minute to remember all the names of people who might make robots.
It was Gearhead! So Carm is stuck in her forcefield protecting Monkey from getting super-tased, Verve is anti-zapping Rubicons, Ellen is… I think she was like, chucking robots around, which is a classic move. And Lugnut and I started fucking with Gearhead.
And then Verve texts Tanya--uh, the daughter--and gets this file with all the evidence she has about her dad's coup. And she just, like, posts it on chitter, and Lugnut and I send it directly to all the police that are still there, and everybody chills the fuck out except Gearhead, but he really had no chance. I think they arrested him for not having a bounty hunter's license, and I'm gonna be honest, I didn't realize that was a thing that existed but now I kind of want one?
No.
I said kind of. So anyways we were all pretty pumped that we kicked ass and saved the city from a police coup, I may accidentally freaked Carm out by talking about space and I don't think talking about podcasts helped very much, and then I beat Ellen in a parkour race back to Big Base! And then I came home and then you yelled at me and then I told you about the weekend and I'm gonna be real with you, Cassi, I am so fucking tired.
[laughter]
Yeah, I bet. Listen, Mel. Next time you're gonna be gone longer than you thought, even if I'm not gonna be home, just text me, all right?
Yeah, okay. Sorry, Cass.
It's okay. And no more flagrant crime, remember?
… Yeah. Yeah, no more crime. Heroics only, from here on out.
Good.
[the sound of a chair being pushed back in and then footsteps]
G'night, Mel. Love you.
Love you too, Cassi.
[a door closing, and then servos whirring and a soft whooshing sound]
Hey, Wingnut.
… So, is it worse if we don't tell her, and then she sees it on the news if things go really bad, or if I tell her outright I'm planning a prison break?
Ow! Look, I meant it, okay? I'm gonna be more responsible. But I just… I gotta believe this is the right thing to do. Smoke doesn't deserve superjail. He made a big mistake trusting Mirror, but… he was trying to help people. I gotta at least try, y'know?
Besides, if stealing stuff from Bishop and AEGIS so they can't use it to hurt people makes him a supervillain, what does that make us?
… Anyways. I really am exhausted. G'night, Wingnut. If anyone asks us to break into Canada tomorrow, we are saying no.
[recording ends]
== S4E78: Smoke Damage ==
[recording begins]
Wingnut. Hey. Can you hand me those bolt cutters?
Don't look at me like that. I gotta get these things off somehow, don't I? And even if I knew how to pick a lock I don't think I could do it one-handed. The other options are saws or like, a blow torch, so just gimme the cutters, would you?
[various metal clattering sounds, then a soft whooshing and a thunk]
Thank you. If you're so concerned, you can help me hold them.
… No, I'm not gonna go find--look, they have enough to deal with as it is, okay? They're just… handcuffs. Big handcuffs. I think I can handle doing one thing. I've been enough of a problem for them for one day.
Ow! Hey, birdbrain, pro tip: if you're worried about me getting hurt, maybe stop pecking me!
Jesus--okay, I will lock you out of the workshop and do this myself, see if I don't!
Yeah, yeah, glare at me all you want. Just grab the other handle.
[silence, punctuated by servos whirring, the sound of metal on metal, grunting, and then a snap]
Ha! One down.
[another, similar quiet, then a metal clatter]
There! Free at last. Take that, AEGIS. Got out of your stupid, shitty handcuffs.
[silence, then a whir of servos]
What? No, I'm fine. Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? We won. We got Smoke out. Sam is gonna be fine. Nobody actually died. No lasting damage. Just because the Baroness is wrecked, and we released a bunch of supervillains, and crashed a helicarrier into the bay, and I almost got arrested, and almost died, and may have killed two people, and AEGIS is definitely gonna be pissed and they definitely know it was us, and if Cassi was watching the news she's gonna figure out that I broke someone out of jail right after I promised her to be more responsible, and she'll tell Mom and Dad after all and--
[he cuts off and for a long moment there's just the sound of agitated, breathing, and then a strained laugh]
But I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine? Everything's fine. We're all fine. Plus, this was my idea, so if everything wasn't fine, it would be all my fault! So it's--so we're all--
[an audible swallow, and more labored breathing]
I just--I just need a second. Just gimme a second. Just--Just--
[another, longer silence, punctuated by increasingly fast, shallow breathing, and the whir of servos. After a little while, the breathing starts to slow and become more regular]
… Yeah, yeah I'm--I'm good. I'm okay. Thanks, bud, that helped.
[a few long, deep breaths]
Just, don't tell anybody, but--when I got left behind, and I realized I couldn't get the door open, and it was just me and the AEGIS soldiers stuck in that room, I was--I was really fucking scared, Wingnut. Like, for a minute there, in the control room, when I realized there was nothing I could do to stop them from getting to me, I thought--I don't know what I thought. I'd just seen the one nice person in all of AEGIS fall out of the helicarrier because I fucked up turning on the turrets. It was just… it was a lot.
Like… how did that even happen? How did it get so bad? At the hospital, it was like… okay, sure, so we met with a supervillain and learned that Whiz's crush was dying from a curse, but it was… fun? Like, it just felt like I was hanging out with my friends. It was silly, and we were all acting dumb and it was nice. I have no fuckin' clue what impression Smokescreen took away from the lot of us, but I'm also not too invested in his opinion, I'll be honest.
And then I got to see the Baroness again, and… god. I'll be lucky if she ever talks to me again. We didn't even find her anything like we promised! And I guess Whiz thought it was my fault we hit the helicarrier, and yeah if I had been paying more attention I probably could've helped steer away from it, like with Verve, but instead we just fuckin' crashed through the wall.
Thank god Shade got her off the helicarrier. I had no idea how to stop AEGIS from getting their hands on her but I can't imagine what would've happened if they had. I mean, I can, and I hate it, so I actively choose not to.
And of course I wasn't fast enough to get, y'know, into the prison, the whole entire aim of the operation, before the doors locked. And I couldn't get them open again, 'cause god knows I can't get my powers to work right when it actually matters. And like, I hope finding Smoke's cell from the control room was helpful, 'cause it'd be the only goddamn useful thing I did all mission! My other hits include getting arrested so the team had to come back into the line of fire to save my ass, and then passing the fuck out right while we were trying to escape.
I'm just… I'm glad my friends were there. Can you believe Cypher blamed herself for, like, not being literally omnipotent? As if she didn't literally save our lives with that forcefield move. It's not even the first time she's saved my life with a magic forcefield. And I'm pretty sure Shade saved my life tonight, like, twice. She was being silly at the hospital with the trench coat and the milkshakes and everything but… she really stepped up when it mattered. She got us all out of there, and that's a fuckin' miracle all on its own. Honestly, she always does. Step up, I mean. Even when what we're doing is, like, objectively stupid. I know I can count on both of them. I'm really, really glad they were there tonight.
[long, shuddering exhale]
Well. For better or worse, at least it's over now. If AEGIS is gonna hunt me down for breaking into their prison, they can fucking well do it tomorrow. I'm fucking exhausted.
… No, I don't need to go see Box! I'm fine, and he'll just freak out about us getting shot with laser rifles or whatever. I'm just gonna go to bed.
Ow! Wingnut! You can't just give me puncture wounds until I see a doctor! That's not how that works!
Okay, okay! If the options are "talk to the square" and "be found dead in the workshop pecked to death by my own best friend," I guess I'll go see Box. Or like, at least text him so I can see him tomorrow, when people are, y'know, awake. Y'know, if I don't bleed to death from these fresh wounds by then.
Yeah, yeah, don't roll your eyes at me. No, I know you're doing it. You don't need eyes that can roll to roll your eyes, Wingnut. It's all in the attitude.
[he trails off into a yawn]
Look, let's just… crash here for the night. C'mon. We'll see what fresh hell awaits us in the morning.
[recording ends]
== S4E82: Fugit ==
[recording begins]
Okay, you're… you're recording? It feels weird talking to you knowing you're recording, but I guess it's not so different from what I normally do, and Cassi says talking about it could help me "process" or whatever, so… 
[a heavy sigh]
God, okay, so… well, we're home now. I feel like a fuckin' jackass for staying away for so long. And lying to Cassi. And, y'know, just, like, everything. In general. Cassi won't say that she's mad, but I'm pretty sure it's just 'cause she feels bad for me. We haven't talked about the helicarrier, but there's no way she doesn't know I was involved. But she hasn't… she hasn't told Mom and Dad.
[a pause]
Fuck. Ugh, maybe this wasn't a good idea.
[servos whirr]
Okay. Okay. So, we're home. We're okay, for now, I guess. Me and Cassi, I mean. 'We' broadly aren't okay, because the city still exploded into chaos and--Lugnut--
[another silence]
No, I'm good. Promise.
[long inhale]
Might as well start at the beginning, I guess. So, AEGIS picked up me, Rewind, Taxon, and Phoenix to help them because they were fucking around with Zodiac sap and it made, like, super soldier-powered giant magical animals? Because, like. Of course they did. But they didn't arrest me immediately and giant magical animals rampaging through the city is, y'know, bad, so yeah I was gonna help. Even if they made Lugnut ride in storage like assholes and I--I promised him he could--I can't, Wingnut, I can't do this--
[recording ends]
[recording begins]
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay now. I'm just gonna. Explain everything that happened. And it'll be fine. 
So. Where was I? … Right, we were headed for an AEGIS facility.
When we got there, Smoke was there. Jesus, so much shit happened today I didn't even get to talk to him. Or maybe I could've, but… I dunno. What would I even say to him? You're welcome for breaking you out of jail? Sorry for breaking you out of jail? I probably should've at least asked if Sam was okay, but… Like, I just feel terrible about the whole thing and I don't even really know why. Do I actually feel bad for breaking Smoke out of jail when he didn't want to go? Or just fucking up the mission for the rest of my team and putting them in AEGIS's crosshairs? Or just lying to Cassi? All of the above? I dunno. I just didn't know what to say to him. Or if he would want to talk to me. Maybe he's mad at me for the prison break. 
It was nice to see him in costume and not in jail, at least.
[long exhale]
Um, anyways. Smoke was there, Carson was there, Tonner was there, some other AEGIS randos, and three big ol' magic monsters. Me and Taxon and Phoenix start throwing down, Rewind and Tonner like, book it into the building. So we're fighting, and we're doing great, and Phoenix yoinks one of the soldiers out of one of them and Taxon destroyed one of the monkey's legs so it couldn't charge into the city but then the other one started shooting fucking laser beams out of its eyes, and then Taxon exploded into more laser beams and everyone got pretty fucked up, but L-Lugnut and I avoided the worst of it and the bitch made a beeline for the city--why AEGIS put their mad science prison right next to the city I'll never know--so we went after it.
Carson decided he was coming. I think I saved his life and we're cool now? Anyways, we get there, and we're fighting it, trying to stop it from getting into the city. We're doing okay, getting some hits in, distracting it pretty good, Carson gets a hit in with his absurd giant blaster rifle thing, and then Lugnut gets hurt.
[a long pause, and then another shaky inhale and exhale]
It was… it was fine. It wasn't too bad, but he couldn't really fight. And we still had big blue and ugly to deal with, so I, uh… tried to hit it with a wrench, which didn't work, and then just draw its attention to me away from the city, which did, and that probably could've gone bad for me since as we've established it was immune to wrenches but we didn't get to find out because who but fuckin' the Savior himself swoops in out of fuckin' nowhere to grab the thing. Like, where did he even come from? 
But anyways, whatever. He grabbed the thing by the tusks, and it was about to do the whole laser eyes thing again and I didn't exactly have time to think before I reacted so I tackled the superpowered guy out of the way and, uh… the lasers hit Carson's big blaster rifle thing and it may have exploded and sent old Skippy flying.
That, um. My bad. That one's on me. Also, just for future record, tackling Savior is like tackling a brick wall. Would not recommend.
So we're doing our best, keeping this thing contained to one city block. Finally Taxon shows up with Rewind, who had this button? I guess that's what they went into the building for? And the button just, like, turns off the thing that made the super soldiers magic. So that was all of them taken care of.
Uh, I may have punched Savior, a little bit.
[servos whirring]
Ow! Okay, so maybe I decked him. Look, The Endangerers were an idiot, but he really fucked them over! I felt like I owed it to them to at least yell at the guy. We talked it out later, it's fine. I feel a little bad for punching him, but I feel so much worse for so many other things that honestly, like, whatever. I'm pretty sure it hurt me more than him, anyways. And then he flew off to go deal with more of those animal things elsewhere in the city.
[a heavy sigh]
So, with that taken care of, a jet came to get us and we got us and Skippy all on board and the medics got a hold of him. And, y'know, the rest of us, because of the lasers and getting yeeted into the side of a jet by a giant monkey and other such traumatic injuries.
Wait, fuck. Is Cassi gonna listen to this? Did we say Cassi might hear this? Scratch the part about the injuries. We were all fine, Cass!
So we head back to the facility, and it turns out the reason Phoenix didn't come with Taxon and Rewind is because AEGIS put a prison right next to their mad science, so when the mad science exploded the building, guess who escaped! It was several supervillains. Fuckin'. There are so many comments I could make but I just. Christ. AEGIS, man.
Apparently Phoenix and Tonner and the other agents did a pretty good job rounding them back up, because everybody was just kind of milling around when we got there.
Except they must have missed one, because--because--
[several long, shuddering breaths, and the clear sounds of someone trying not to cry]
She was pretending to be an AEGIS agent, and the first sign that something was wrong was she just came up to me and told me I did a good job. Like, what AEGIS agent would ever do that. To me? No way.
[a weak, watery laugh]
And then she asked me if I knew Rewind, and could I pass on a message, and I knew something was up, so I asked her why she couldn't do it herself, and then--then she--
[another pause, and when he resumes speaking he's clearly crying]
Lugnut could barely walk, but he was following along behind us. She put a hand on him, and I tried to--to stop her, to knock her off, anything, but before I could reach her she was just--gone. And she took Lugnut with her. L-Lugnut's gone. He's gone!
[words dissolve into the sounds of crying]
[recording ends]
[recording begins]
[sniff]
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm almost done.
[deep inhale and a long, shuddery exhale]
She… she looked a lot like Rewind. So I yelled for them and they said that… that Lugnut was somewhere in the future. And they could figure out when. And that it was probably where their mom was, since apparently she got kidnapped by the same person. So we're gonna… we're gonna get them back. We're gonna time heist again. It'll be… it'll be fine. We have friends who can help. Lugnut'll be fine. We'll get him back. And in the meantime he'll just be alone and stranded in the future, where nobody knows him, and he probably doesn't understand what happened or where we are and what if people are scared of him, Ernest almost zapped him and he knows I have scary robots, what if someone sees him and assumes he's a threat, he's hurt, he can't run away or defend himself--
[servos whirring]
Right. Right. There's… there's no use worrying about that, because we're gonna get him back as soon as possible, and everything'll be fine.
[another deep breath]
She left this behind. Lugnut's damaged panel. With a message. To '"Rewind. Because she didn't actually care about me or Lugnut. She was just trying to get to them.
[a scoff]
"All in due time". Yeah, right. You better be fuckin' ready, Tempus Fugit. 'Cause we're coming for you.
[deep breath]
… Okay. We're almost done.
We got back on the jet to bring us back to the city and, I'll be honest, I was… I was pretty checked out. Director Hussain was talking about… reining us in, and working together, and whatever, but I wasn't really listening. And then she said Carson would be our babysitter? And I feel like we bonded, even if he would never say so, so I was pretty okay with that, but apparently he wasn't, because even if we did bond I guess he still hates us, like, in general.
And then Smoke volunteered. Heh. I don't know how or why, but the Director actually considered it. We all vouched for him. Even Carson did, since the alternative was him getting the job. I promised the Director I'd stop doing crime if she gave Smoke the job. She didn't have to know I'd already promised Cassi. And I intend to keep it this time.
[sigh]
So Smoke got the job. I guess I'll have to figure out what to say to him, because we're probably gonna be seeing more of each other. I guess I'll find out if he's mad at me after all.
This is good, though. I mean, I'm sure the rest of Big Team is gonna have some opinions about AEGIS appointing us a babysitter, not to mention, y'know, specifically this one. But it keeps Smoke out of jail. And keeps Carson out of Big Base.
[long exhale]
Um, I just went home after that. I should've soon. I was just scared, I guess, of how Cassi would react to the helicarrier incident. And then it was so long that it was obvious I was avoiding her, and I was scared of how she'd react to that, and… it was stupid. It was really stupid. But we're okay now.
[a weak laugh]
I talked to Savior, too, and Phoenix. Apparently he uh… he felt similarly, I guess. About the Endangerers. Or the Defenders, I guess. He thought it was his fault they got hurt, and were too guilty to face them after. And then like it was too late. I told him to stop being a bitch, basically. I probably should've been nicer. I upset Phoenix, which is like, the biggest dick move. But I was really tired. Like, emotionally.
He seemed to get the point, though. And then we all went to Philosotea and talked some shit out and I think we might be friends now? Probably the best case scenario of punching someone in the face, honestly. My hand still kinda hurts, though.
Well. I guess that's it. I'm… really tired. But I have a lot to do to figure out a way into the future. I really wish Ellen's timecycle wasn't broken. If we have to track down Doorheart again… so be it, I guess. Whatever it takes, right, Wingnut? We're gonna show Tempus Fugit that she messed with the wrong squad.
… Okay, I think we're done.
[recording ends]
== S5E2: Family Matters ==
[recording begins]
Are you... good? We recording?
[a pause]
... Cool.
[a heavy sigh]
So, Cassi suggested this type of... audio journal thing as a way to process... y'know, stuff back in June. And, uh... I guess I have some stuff to process again.
Uh, I guess, starting at the beginning... I was hanging out with Ernest at the base--he wanted to try to teach me to fly, which went surprisingly well... by which I mean I didn't crash and die immediately.
On our way back to the common room, though, Artie called. I mean, Subterfuge. Y'know, fake villain guy? Apparently he was really mad about what happened at the music festival--even though we didn't blow his cover!--and he's been doing villain shit for hire. Except now he's being blackmailed to do more villain stuff than he wants to. So he wanted us--well, Ernest--to come stop him from doing a robbery so this chili-whoever person would think he's a loser and give up on him. Or something.
Um... the thing is, though, is the place he was hired to rob was Mercury Biotechnics. Which is. Uh. Mom and Dad's company.
[a long, shaky breath]
Yeah. So, naturally... I wanted to try to find information while we were there. Ernest was against it, because he didn't want to break in. He wanted to stop Artie and co before they even got in the building, I guess? He wasn't happy about it, but we eventually talked him into at least, like... letting us try even if he didn't help.
Oh, Jenny--uh, Serendipidity came with us. She's new to the team. I like her a lot. Bio-robot solidarity and all that. Plus she's a real sweetheart. I wanna look out for her, y'know?
But, uh, anyways, apparently her friend applied for like an internship there and noticed a loading deck we could use to get in. And Artie told us when he was gonna be there, so... we made a plan and went out there.
[a pause] 
Look, there was some stuff in the middle here, we ran into somebody who was hired to stop the robbery, looked around the engineering bay, but the point is, everything went to shit. 
They were already in the bay by the... machine.
[a sigh]
Um, there were three of them. Plus Artie. Or, I guess only two of them were actually there for the robbery. Some guy with fuckin' whacko shadow darkness powers, and a girl with... birds? I dunno. That was a close 
call, buddy. I sure do not like whatever she was trying to do to you.
[the sound of servos whirring]
Yeah. And, uh, then I had to utmost pleasure of meeting Knife Bitch. Frankly I don't remember if she told me her actual name, because I was a little hung up on the fact that apparently she was hired to bring me to my parents. I think she said something about her parents, too? But I don't actually care about Knife Bitch's family situation to be honest. I've got enough to deal with with mine, thanks.
[an irritated exhale]
So, I got my ass kicked. Got stabbed a bunch. That wasn't great. Uh, I'm fine now, if... Cassi or whoever listens to this. Probably no one will, but y'know. Boon fixed me right up with her magic hands when we got home. But before that happened...
[the scrape of a chair and then a sigh]
So I don't know exactly what happened because I was... a little out of it. What with the stabbings and the being kidnapped and all. Which, you know. Wouldn't recommend. But I guess Ernest swooped in at some point like a knight in lightning armor because the next thing I knew he had me, and also we were in a room with my parents. Don't know exactly how we ended up there, good job Ernest, but it happened. And then...
[a pause, an awkward laugh]
God, where do I even begin? I guess just, sort of, broad strokes... Well, they know. Everything. They know I'm Bolt, they know all the shit I got up to earlier this year, they know that I know about the...
[a pause]
Oh, right, audio medium. Um, about the robot thing. Also, Dad is... dying? And has a glove that lets him like, become metal? Or get a metal shell or something? He walked right through Ernest's lightning wall. And he wants to turn himself into a robot! And apparently, they thought Big Team fuckin'... kidnapped and brainwashed me or something. Because of stuff like the helicarrier. It was almost funny, because they were 
basically acusing Ernest of making me do all that even though he hates it as much as they do.
[a long sigh]
I didn't say much, I guess. I just... sort of froze up. I'm really glad Ernest was there. He sort of... stood up to them for me?
[a frustrated sigh]
Not that he should've have had to. I was just... like, they were saying all this stuff, and I would feel... mad, or confused, or I dunno what, and then before I could figure out what to say they'd say something else and it felt like I was just... constantly blindsided.
[a slow, measured breath]
But okay. This is for processing, right? Let's process. I have time to like... actually think about what they were saying. And then maybe next time I see them, I won't freeze up like that. So. The story, according to them, is that Dad is dying and to save him they want to find a way to... turn him into a robot, basically. And a step in that process was to make a robot that, like, works like a person. Aka me. So they built me, and decided not to tell me so I could have a quote-unquote normal childhood. And also they know I'm Bolt, and have known for at least a little while, and they thought Big Team had like, kidnapped and brainwashed me and they want me to quit Big Team and come back to live at home again. Oh, and Cassi doesn't know any of this. I... I'm not sure if they know she knows about the superhero stuff? I mean, probably, right? If they know I've been sneaking out to do Big Team stuff, they probably could've figured out she's been covering for me.
... Is that all of it? I think that's all of it. God. It's still just... a lot to think about. And there's still a lot that I have questions about. 
Like, what about Smokescreen? I know he was involved in a project with them to create artificial life. But why would he care about a project to save one random dude's life? Maybe he had some ulterior motive that my parents didn't know about, but... I think... 
[a long, shaky inhale]
I think they might be lying to me.
I mean, that's not the only thing - like, according to Mrs. Ostenberg, they got involved with Smokescreen because they were trying to combat something. And, okay, maybe that was a separate project that didn't pan out or something. Or maybe there's some other robot out there that's a result of that. Which is a terrifying thought.
But then why do I have knife wings? Like, why are they knives! Why do I have any of this shit?
Seriously - if their goal was just to make a fake person so they could use it to figure out how to make a fake Dad, then why would they put all that other weird shit in me? Just for shits and giggles? I didn't think Mom and Dad were the type to do shit just for fun, considering all the times they yelled at me for doing anything remotely fun.
Which, hey, actually, here's something I'm mad about. They lied to me for eighteen years because they wanted me to have a normal childhood. Y'know, a normal childhood, with all those normal childhood things like not being allowed to see friends outside of school. Or join clubs. Or do anything that wasn't "productive" or, like, outside the house. Sure, makes sense if they're worried about their science experiment running off or getting lost or whatever while they're not looking, but they didn't give a shit about giving me a normal childhood. Hell, it's more likely they never bothered to tell me because that would require actually talking to me!
Ugh.
This sucks. I wish I could just... trust them. Like, I don't want Dad to die! Of course I don't! If they'd just ask me, like, 'hey, we need your help to save him' then yeah, I'd be all over that! And instead they just. Didn't tell me. Maybe they just didn't need me to actually do anything, but, god... when I was younger, I would've been over the moon if Mom and Dad had told me I could help them. If they'd told little ten year old superhero-obsessed Mel that he was secretly a robot and they needed his help to save Dad nothing would've made that kid happier. But instead I had to find out like this and I just feel... used. It sucks! It sucks a whole lot!
[a groan]
And then, on top of all that, we totally failed every objective of our actual mission and the goth twins got away with a machine designed to turn people into bio-androids. Because that's not, y'know, utterly terrifying. And Artie got his shit pushed in by Lillith - uh, the quote-unquote hero who got hired to stop the break-in by the same person who hired Artie and the goths to do it. I convinced her to lay off Artie and he skedaddled but we sure didn't help him stop getting blackmailed.
Oh, also, like I said, Mom and Dad want me to quit Big Team and also go back home. Obviously I'm not quitting Big Team, like that's just... not an option. And frankly I don't want to go home, either. At least not until I figure out if I can trust my parents or not. But at least they didn't give me, like, an ultimatum or whatever. And it's not like there's any point in lying anymore, so I can just straight up tell them I'm not coming home. And if they have a problem with that, well... I have places to stay that are chock full of superheroes who'll have a problem with them.
Uh, speaking of not lying, though. I'm meeting Cassi tomorrow. I guess I just have to... tell her everything. All the robot stuff, at least. I'll tell her what Mom and Dad said, but... I don't know if I want to tell her that I think they might be lying. It's better she believe them and get mad at me for not wanting to help than she tries to find anything on her own and gets in trouble for it.
Ow! Wingnut! Look, I'm not lying to her, okay? And if I find proof that Mom and Dad are up to something dangerous, I'll let her know. But I don't actually have anything but--but paranoia right now. I'll tell her I'm not coming home because I still need time to process everything and I don't want to be around Mom and Dad right now. That's the truth, okay? Cassi doesn't need to be involved with the supervillain stuff.
[a pause]
Yeah, yeah, glare at me all you want. Just quit pecking me, I've been stabbed enough tonight.
[another pause]
Okay, um, I think we're done. Uh, cut?
[recording ends]
== S5.5 OVA: (Un)lucky Breaks ==
From: lovelugnut@bmail.comTo: phoebefellmen@bmail.comHi, Felicia!! Thanks so much for writing to me! I was SO happy to meet you yesterday, I couldn't stop telling my friend Signal all about it! It's really exciting that your mom might let you get a cat soon. Did you know that my very best friend in the world is a cat? Her name is Lacey, and she lives with my other friend the Weatherman! Lacey is really special because she can't hear, but that doesn't stop her from playing with me. She even knows a little bit of sign language! If (when??) you get a cat, you should totally send me a picture!Love,LugnutP.S. Thanks for the tree branch! It has a very special place in my collection.[attached is a picture of Lugnut sprawled on the floor of his doghouse with Lacey curled up on his muzzle]
[recording begins]
Holy shit, Cassi, parenting is hard.
[a pause]
Do I… do I want to know?
I'm just saying. I love hanging out with kids, but not fucking it up is really hard!
Okay, I've decided, I'm too scared not to know. Mel, did you traumatize a child?
Wh--no! I don't… think so! Sam said I did, but she was being rude to me all day so I think she just said it to bother me.
[a sigh]
Okay, Mel, you'd think after all this time I'd know to just ask for the story from the beginning instead of interrogating all your non sequiturs, but let's back up here. What did you do today?
Okay, so, I was microwaving without limits--
You were what?!
I thought you weren't gonna interrogate me!
I reserve the right to question you when you say something as stupid as "microwaving without limits," Melchior.
Look, I was bored, and GAIA released my ban from the base kitchen when Ernest left, and I don't have a lot of stuff around to tinker with in Big Base anymore since I moved most of it to Smoke's base, and the microwave was right there, and I had a… scientific curiosity.
[a deep, aggravated sigh]
I'm going to say something, and you're going to hate it.
Well, thanks for the warning, I guess.
Sometimes you are just like Mom and Dad.
Hey! Words hurt, Cassi. That's just mean.
Consider it a word of caution. Now, how does unsafe microwaving lead to a traumatized child? Besides the obvious way, I mean, because I can't imagine this is that simple.
Oh, no, the microwaving is just a background element. So, I was microwaving without limits, and GAIA told me to get the fuck out of the base and go see what was happening in North Downtown before I broke anything else. But, y'know, politely, 'cause it's GAIA.
They have my deepest sympathies.
Yeah, yeah. So Lugnut and I head to North Downtown and, like, I know it's the shittiest downtown at the best of times, but it was even worse. Literally every store was closed but, like, for different reasons. And while I was there I ran into a couple people who recognized me from Big Team and we decided to work together to figure out what the fuck was going on. One of them was this girl who also had technopathy, which was cool, but I have to make sure she never meets Tay.
O… kay? Can I ask why? Should I ask why?
Two words: hair cables.
That… doesn't actually clear it up, thanks.
It doesn't matter. Also, Sam Ribaldi was there, which was awkward. I don't think she likes me.
Hold on. Ribaldi. She's…
Smokescreen's daughter. And Smoke's niece. And Tiago's… ex-crush? It's awkward. But also I totally contributed to saving her life this one time from a curse so I don't know why she doesn't like me. But whatever. There was also this other girl, who was Hyacinth's--uh, hair cable girl--friend, who could blow shit up with her mind. So that was cool.
Sounds like quite the intrepid team.
Yeah, it was kinda fun working with people who aren't on Big Team. So anyway, we all get up on Lugnut and decide to just sort of scope out the downtown and see if we can get an idea of what was going on. And, uh… we got a little distracted when I saw somebody from the Rokkr hanging out.
Hold on, hold on, I know this one. The Rokkr are the… motorcycle gang?
Close! Apocalypse cult with the aesthetic of a motorcycle gang. They tried to start Ragnarok 'n' shit. So naturally I was like, holy shit, that person is definitely behind this. And she took off running so we chased her down and Hyacinth tackled her. Hyacinth doesn't ask a lot of questions.
Sounds familiar.
Hey! I ask plenty of questions. Remember microwaving without limits?
[a deep sigh]
… Just keep going. Is this poor teen the traumatized child?
No! She was a teen, not a child. And apparently she has the soul of an old man because she was in North Downtown to see why the radio station was down. Like, who listens to the radio?
Plenty of people listen to the radio, Mel.
Whatever. So we convinced her to hang with us while we tried to find out what was going on. I also tried to get her to get a new jacket since she's apparently not in the Rokkr anymore, but she was pretty attached to it. So I'm sure that'll cause her some more problems down the line. But anyways, Sam did some kind of magic vibe check or whatever and found out that there was a weird magic thing that was like… centered on this little girl? And apparently Denise has magic vision or whatever so she led us right to the house.
Mm. Things are starting to take shape.
Just, listen. So we get to the house and knock on the door and the girl's mom comes to the door. We're like "what's up we're with Big Team, we're looking into the weird stuff going on today and we think the source is in your house" and she was a nice lady and let us in.
That's a surprise.
Hush. So we get inside and this little girl runs out to see us. She was so cute, Cassi, and she was pumped to see us. And she was also super the same little girl that Sam saw. So I asked her if she wanted to help in our investigation, and started asking her if she'd seen anything weird lately, and she just starts chattering on about all the weird luck people have been having. I didn't really know what questions to ask her to figure out how she did the magic stuff, 'cause that's really not my department, but she was happy so I just let her keep talking while Sam talked to her mom, y'know.
Oh, boy. Mel, did you traumatize this little girl?
No! I mean, I don't think so, but she told me that there was a shooting star last night, and her mom wished not to go to work. And she was really excited about her mom's wish coming true and how great it was.
Oh, dear.
Uh huh. So I tried to explain how sometimes wishes don't always work out the way you want, or like… sometimes you wish for things you don't actually want, because you don't think they'll actually happen. I dunno, I was panicking. And she was getting upset, because she thought making all the wishes come true was a really good thing, y'know? It was a lot. I didn't want to upset her, but I had to convince her not to grant a bunch of wishes.
Oh, Mel.
And then she got real upset and summoned a giant bad luck monster.
[silence]
Yeah, it wasn't great. I just kinda hunkered down to protect Felicia--uh, the little girl--while Denise and Hyacinth started fighting the calamity monster. I tried to talk her down again but I think I just made her more upset. So the two of them finally killed the monster--uh, and most of the living room--but Felicia was all upset and crying. Luckily Sam is pretty good with kids, I guess, and she got her to calm down.
Hey, Mel.
No, I'm fine. Just… wish I could've made her feel better, y'know? But anyways, the monster was gone, so I called Ryan to fix that poor lady's living room and let Felicia meet Lugnut, which cheered her up. Also, I gave her his email.
His… Lugnut's email?
Yeah! I have an email I give to kids so they can write to him. He's very popular, you know.
But he… Lugnut can't write.
Or read! But lying exists, Cassi. I just write back to them pretending to be Lugnut. They get really excited, it's cute. What? What's that look for?
Oh, nothing.
Cassiopeia. Wow, that's fun, I see why you do it.
Don't get used to it, Melchior.
[brief sounds of a scuffle]
Okay, okay, I surrender! I talked to Sam because like I said she was really rude to me like the whole time, and I think we're good now. She agrees that Cambria is the worst.
Oh, come on. Cambria's nice.
Wh--Cassi!
Mel. She's perfectly nice. I don't understand what you have against her.
[spluttering]
This is--you're the worst. Why do I tell you anything.
Because I'm your beloved older sister and the only one besides your bird who will listen to you ramble on about your adventures. Also, because I worry when you don't tell me what you're up to.
You worry when I do tell you what I'm up to!
What can I say? Parenting is hard.
[recording ends]
== S5.5 OVA: Fathers' Day ==
[recording begins]
Ugh. What a day, huh? 
[whirring sounds] 
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Fuckin' killer headache, though. This isn't how you feel when I use my powers on you, is it, bud?
[pause]
Phew. Like, I didn't think so, but I wanted to make sure. Anyways, I-- 
['Technologic' by Daft Punk starts blaring and there's a yelp]
Ack! Fuck, I totally forgot--heeeey, Cassi! You're on speaker, Wingnut's here, too.
[the second voice is somewhat tinny]
Naturally. Hi, Mel. Hi, Wingnut.
[whirring sounds]
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? You sound flustered.
No! No, I just forgot we had a call today. Busy day, y'know? 
Oh yeah? What trouble did you get up to today? 
Uh, well, I went to AEGIS prison.
[a beat]
Melchior--
Not like that, jesus, Cassi! We were just visiting!
Visiting… an AEGIS prison.
Yes. We needed information from somebody being held there, so we asked Smoke and Hayeli to convince Director Hussain to let us in to talk to him.
Okay, okay, back up a couple steps here. Who were you visiting? Also, who's 'we' in this scenario?
Uh, it was me, Hana, Violet, and Cadenza came too for… uh, she said 'moral support'. We all had information we wanted to get out of Prometheus.
Prometheus. That's--
My evil dad, yeah.
[pause]
It's still really weird to hear you call people besides Mom and Dad your dad.
Yeah, well, unfortunately Prometheus is as much my dad as Dad is.
Mel… I know he has a lot to answer for, and I'm glad you're not at home anymore, but you know that's not true.
Okay, yes, fine, but still. He sure seems to think he's my dad. And like, he did make me.
… Ew.
Cassi! I'm a robot, remember!
I know! I know. I'm sorry. I'm sure this is weird for you, too.
Y'know honestly the robot thing was so much all at once that I really had to stop finding any part of it weird really quick or I was gonna like, lose it. That was too many crises to have on top of all the other crises I was having back in August.
Mel--
No, listen, I'm over it. We are not relitigating my identity crises. We don't have time for that. I have a prison adventure to tell you about. 
Okay, okay. So you and your friends went to go see your… "evil dad."
I can hear your quotation marks, and I choose to ignore them. Yes, we went to go see my evil dad. Hana wanted to ask him about how she ended up in GREY experiments as a baby--which, holy shit, dude, I thought he was a bad robot dad but he's an even worse dad-dad.
I'm… scared to ask.
Basically she got kidnapped and when he found her he saw the experiments and was like "hey, that's a really cool idea, actually!" and just left her there! Goddamn! Hana's like, weirdly zen about it, but I'm pissed off! Every time I think he's hit rock bottom he gets worse!
Jesus christ.
Yeah! Ugh. I hate him. He's the worst.
Now I'm… worried about what you had to ask him about.
No, that was the least bad thing. So, uh, Hana asked about baby her, and also her birth mom - apparently Athena is like, based on her mom? Which seems a little weird to me but Hana seems okay with it. And Violet just wanted to know where to find the Crimson Circle, since future Prometheus apparently had some sort of involvement with them. Uhh, the Crimson Circle is like, a group of supervillains that experimented on her and some other people.
So Prometheus is… really into experimenting on kids, huh?
Ugh, he's got this whole thing about "progress". It's fucking insufferable. And it's a pain in the ass to get a straight answer out of him. But eventually he told us about an old abandoned G.R.E.Y. base under the Halcyon Needle that apparently the Crimson Circle was using. And also that apparently her family has like, a fake Violet living with them? Not sure if it's some magic thing or a robot or what but there are two Violets, which is wild. Uh, and then she clearly just didn't want to talk to him anymore so I asked him about the robot machines.
The… the you-robot machines?
Yeah, basically. Uh, I don't remember how much I told you about that time we had to rescue Smoke from Visionics, I was a little out of it after that whole thing, but we found Dad--uh, Dad-Dad, I mean--trying to stop a machine that mass produced… y'know, mes. Not me-mes, like clones of me, but robots like me. And according to him, he and Mom didn't give it to Visionics, so I wanted to know how Prometheus got his hands on it.
And?
He fuckin' stole it. Which seems obvious now. And my bigger concern is that he claims they have multiples. But he won't tell me how many, or where they are, because he doesn't want us to be "in opposition". Eugh. As if we have literally ever been anything else.
He sounds… slimy.
That's a fuckin' understatement. And when I started pushing him for more answers he tried to bargain with us. He wanted us to get him to an AEGIS lab so he could see what they were up to for maniacal plans or some shit.
Mel--
Oh my god, why does everybody think I would actually do it?! Obviously I wasn't gonna let Prometheus into an AEGIS lab! We were trying to think for a little bit about if we could, like, trick him somehow, but we'd already decided it wasn't worth the risk by the time Nat finished getting Director Hussain. And then he got pissed at us and we were all just mad and that was the end of the interview. We argued with her a little more and then Hayeli drove us to the Needle to go see what was up.
Do I even need to tell you that I'm concerned that you were arguing with the director of AEGIS again?
Look, it was fine. I didn't do anything to really piss her off this time. I just passed on the message that Ryan isn't happy about AEGIS having their cell number and it escalated a little bit but it didn't get bad. I'm not in trouble with AEGIS.
[a hum]
Well. If you say so. But I swear to god, Mel, if I get a text message saying you've been arrested--
Okay well first of all, if I got arrested, you probably wouldn't find out via text message.
Melchior--
I'm just saying! Look, don't worry about it. She's mildly peeved at me but she always is and Smoke talked me down from doing anything that might piss her off more.
Oh, that's real reassuring. Well, at least you're listening to somebody, now. Do I want to know what he had to talk you out of?
Look, I really don't want Visionics to have those machines, and the easiest way to stop them--
Melchior Mercury, don't you dare!
Hey! I told you Smoke talked me down! We're gonna do some investigating without crime. But, like, Cassi, I can't just… let them have those machines. I've gotta do something. I don't… I don't know what, yet. But it's gotta be something.
[a pause]
Listen, Mel, I… I can hear how important this is to you. But I want you to be safe, and that includes out of prison, okay? Just… be careful.
[a sigh]
Yeah. I'll be careful.
… Speaking of being careful, how was that… abandoned G.R.E.Y. base?
Ugh, it sucked.
[a surprised laugh]
Really? That seems so your speed.
Yeah, normally it would be! But I got into these old computers that Hana powered up and they attacked me!
They… the computers attacked you?
Yeah! They like… drained my energy, somehow? And then they stuck all this information in my head real forcefully. Also the speakers turned on and Nat freaked out because I guess Violet is voice-activated or something but we got out of there without any real problems. I have a fuckin' headache, and I have to write down a whole lotta shit to give Violet, but that's pretty much it. I'm just gonna go to bed early since I have an early flight tomorrow.
Well, I won't keep you too long, then. It sounds like you've had quite a day. Hopefully your London trip is more relaxing.
Oh yeah, it's gonna be awesome. Sorry I didn't invite you, but y'know, with it being Valentine's Day and all--
[a laugh]
It's fine, Mel. Go have a good time with your boyfriend. Penn and I are gonna be holed up all weekend studying, anyways.
Oh shit, yeah, you have that test coming up, right? How's that going?
Ugh, no, if I start complaining about that class I'm gonna keep you up all night, and I am not gonna be responsible for you being a little bitch to your friends all weekend because you didn't get enough sleep. I'll text you. Go get some rest.
Okay, okay. Love you, Cass.
Love you too, Mel.
[recording ends]
== S5.5 OVAs: Signal's Long Weekend Redux (The Off Switch) ==
[recording begins]
[slightly tinny music blaring]
[whooshing sound, and then grumbling]
Wingnut, go 'way. I'm asleep.
S'rsly, dude, leave me alone.
Ugh, fine. What is that--oh, fuck.
[rustling noises, and then the music cuts off and is replaced with an equally tinny voice]
Mel?!
Hey, Cassi, what's--
Are you okay?!
Huh? Yeah, 'm--what time is it?
It's, like, eight am--Mel, why did I get a text from Boon saying you were dead?!
[a loud, elongated groan]
Mel!
Cassi, my friends are the worst. Why. Why are they like this?
Melchior Mercury, I swear to god--
Cassi. Cassi. Cassi. I'm fine. I promise. Hundred percent not dead. Boon and Tiago just don't understand unconsciousness, I guess.
Mel!
Okay, okay, listen, relax, I'm fine, okay? I had some bad luck the past couple days and got… turned off a couple times. And maybe beat up a little. I'm fine I just needed some sleep.
Mel, what happened? I thought you were supposed to be… playing video games in London with Nate this weekend! Why are you in Halcyon and dead?
Okay, again, I'm not dead. Things went a little haywire in London and we flew back early for the Valentine's Day market, which was attacked by an airship from another dimension. Didn't you like, see it on the news? Atlanta jumped in front of a laser, it was like, a whole thing.
No, Penn and I have been studying all weekend! I didn't hear about anything until I got a text from Boon that you had died!
Well, as you can tell, I'm super not dead, so everything's fine, okay? You can relax.
I'm sorry if I'm a little stressed out, I turn my phone off for a couple days so I can focus on a test and I turn it back on this morning to see a text that my little brother--
Was dead, yeah, I get it. Cassi. C'mon. If something had actually happened to me, don't you think Boon would've put a little more effort into reaching you? Everything's fine. Seriously.
[a long, tinny sigh]
Okay. You promise--
I'm totally fine. Promise. Okay?
[another sigh]
Okay.
So was that it, or--
Oh, no. You have some explaining to do. What happened this weekend?
[a groan]
Okay, okay, so we flew out super early on Saturday and like, it was fine. I spent most of the flight working on plans for a new mech while Nate fell asleep. It's a fuckin' long flight, but I didn't have it nearly as bad as poor Amana. He got stuck between Cambria and Epoch.
Uh huh.
They're a nightmare together, Cass. I mean, Cambria is the worst at all times, but when Epoch is around her they flirt and it's awful.
You're still on this thing about Cambria, huh?
Uh, yeah! She hasn't stopped being the worst! And now she's on Big Team! It sucks!
Sure, Mel.
Hey. Look, it's whatever. I actually barely had to deal with her this weekend. So the plane landed and we heckle the Bishop guy who came to pick us up some because, like, obviously. It was that same dude who really hates Ernest. I dunno why he keeps coming to these things, honestly. But they can't stop inviting us because nobody can beat Team The Best One.
… Right. Mel, this all sounds like a normal trip so far. At one point did things go… haywire?
I'm getting to it! So we stopped by the hotel and then just Team The Best One went to the big like convention hall where the thing was gonna be held so we could like, calibrate the systems or whatever. We fuckin' trashed their test team that had the extra super v2 shit because, again, nobody can beat Team The Best One. And then we put together our new mechs, but then the power went out? Just, like, flickered out. And I was like 'hey, i talk to machines, do you want me to find out what happened?' and the guy who was walking us around - uh, his name is Albert I think, he's cool - was like 'sure, I guess' and showed us the circuit box. So I talked to it to be like 'hey what the fuck was that' and it turns out there was this… machine thing clamped on that was siphoning the power and turned it off. And, uh, it… turned me off.
Excuse me?
Look, it's… hard to explain. But that's the simplest way to put it? It did to me what it was doing to the power to the building.
Christ, Mel, that's terrifying.
It wasn't that bad! Honestly, the worst part was Epoch telling Smoke I was dead, like, dude, c'mon.
Well at least he told somebody!
Oh, c'mon, Cassi, did you really want a call from Epoch telling you I was dead? Like, of all people?
I would like to know when you get hurt, yes, Melchior!
I wasn't hurt, I was just… off.
Mel!
Look, it was fine. I woke up back at the hotel with a headache and that was the worst. And then I tried it again and it happened again, and after that I learned!
You what?!
What!
You tried it AGAIN?!
Well we wanted to figure out what exactly it did besides… turn things off! And, y'know, it turns out… it turns things off real good.
…
… Cassi?
I need a second here because I am absolutely furious with you right now, Mel. I can't believe you would do something so stupid! Actually, I can believe it, and that makes me even madder!
Cassi, come on. We needed to know what it did in case something really dangerous was gonna happen at the convention! I thought that if I knew what was coming it wouldn't get to me. I was wrong, but I didn't just do it for shits and giggles!
[a long exhale]
Okay. Okay. I'm not happy about you doing something so reckless, but I understand why you felt you should. Still, Mel, twice? 
Well, at least I didn't do it a third time.
[a longer sigh]
At least there's that.
So the next day this harpist comes to ask us to be bait.
…
What? I can hear your expression.
Walk that one back for me, would you?
Sure, sure. So AEGIS has a European cousin called HARPE and this lady from HARPE showed up and was like "hey there's gonna be some shit going down at the convention and we need you to like be super flashy and do a good job at mech fighting or whatever so they try it and we can catch them," and I was like "so you want us to be bait?" and she was like "yeah basically" and also Epoch tried to get her to pay him for designing the off switch machine that AEGIS sold HARPE and that was pretty much it.
Hey, um, Mel?
Mm?
Did you… have a fight with Tiago?
What? No! Why would I fight with Tiago?
You just keep calling him Epoch.
Oh. No, that's… look, I'll get to that. Anyways, she basically just asked us to do what we were gonna do anyways, so we left to go to the convention hall. We met a HARPE intern there who wouldn't tell us his real name so we called him Archie. He was rude, but like, whatever, who cares about him. So we go inside, Epoch fucks with the Visionics guy's shitty FutureSite knock-off 'cause fuck Visionics and fuck the FutureSite. And then we got in the augmented reality headsets and started the mech fight with the new mechs. It took some getting used to at first - like, the Lugnutitron is way different from Big Wingnut, but we were doing okay. And then Tiago… swapped.
What do you mean, 'swapped'?
I mean, Epoch disappeared, and a different Tiago showed up in his place. Aeon. We didn't really get a chance to figure out what was going on right away but he remembered Team The Best One so we jumped back into the fight. And we were doing great, and then the sabotage we were supposed to help stop kicked off and suddenly the AR stuff fucked up and we phased back into the convention hall except our old mechs were also there and being hacked. But, y'know, we're the best, so we fought them off long enough for the harpists to shut it off. And when everything calmed down we finally got to… meet Aeon.
[a pause]
… Mel? You okay, bud?
Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. So, uh, apparently Tiago came up with this project that was supposed to let him, like… reset? Like in a video game but in real life. But it doesn't really work the way it was supposed to. So Epoch got zapped during the mech fight, and he just… switched with a different Tiago from another timeline. And this one is way different from Epoch. He wasn't gone as long, and he remembered us all a lot better, and he's actually… happy to be back.
[another pause]
Mel. Hey, Mel.
Sorry. ... Cassi, can I say something… kind of terrible?
What is it, Mel?
Just… Like, they're all Tiago. However many of them there are out there. And I really tried to reconnect with Epoch, like I really did! And I hope that he's okay out in the space revolution or wherever he ended up. But talking to Aeon, it was like… I finally felt like I had my friend back. And I'm… really happy he's here.
[a pause]
I told you it was terrible.
Mel… have you talked to Tiago about this?
No. I mean, not yet? I promised him I'd get him up to speed, 'cause he doesn't know anything that happened after he got thrown into the FutureSite, but I didn't really have time. I remembered that I promised Nate I'd take him to the Valentine's Day market before we got the invite, and since things kind of broke bad and he got attacked by mechs, I figured I'd make it up to him by taking the first plane back so we could get home in time for the market. Also, I wanted to tell Smoke I wasn't dead. Like, I texted him, but I figured he'd want to see that I was actually fine and Epoch wasn't fucking with him or whatever, y'know?
Well, I'm glad you told somebody.
Hey! You didn't know in the first place, so it would've just been stressing you out more to show up on your doorstep and be like "hey what's up, I passed out twice yesterday," y'know?
[a sigh]
So we got back, dropped our stuff off at home, I said hi to Smoke, and we went to the market. Oh, I saw Paige there! I think she was bummed out about the whole Valentine's Day thing, poor kid. She says hi. I mean, I don't remember if she actually said hi or not, but she would.
That's sweet. If you see her around again, tell her I said hi.
Mhm. So we were hanging out at the market, I won Nate a giant fish at the ring toss, and then a fucking evil blimp appears out of nowhere and starts shooting a laser at the market!
I'm sorry?
I told you this weekend was crazy! And Atlanta just fuckin' zapped over there and started absorbing it in front of god and everybody. And it wasn't stopping, so I got Lugnut and I got Boon and Gwen to throw me up on top of the blimp. These two new Big Team recruits - Inge and Flourish - also got up there, and I was like, well, I gotta try to turn this laser off, but I'd had tech fuckin' assault me when I tried to talk to it two days in a row, so I was like, "hey guys, I'm gonna try something, if I pass out, please catch me" and tried to shut it down, and wouldn't you know it--
Mel. No!
Yes! It had fuckin' crazy anti-technopath security, which, like, seriously? Who does that?! Anyways, I guess they must have caught me, 'cause I didn't die. I woke up back on the ground, though, which was a pain in the ass, and Atlanta was still getting lasered. And Lugnut was still up there! So I got Gwen to get me back up there, and and I guess the newbies found a door because there was an open hatch and Lugnut was staring at it like a lost puppy. So I left him to keep watch and started booking it down the hallway. I ran into the two of them partway down where they'd been just, like, looking around? Like, I appreciate the thought, guys, way to be thorough about it, but we were kind of in a rush, y'know?
Right. With the… laser.
Right! So we kept going. And partway down the hallway, we open a door and there's just… two supervillains there. And like, again, we did not have time for that. So I tackled the one guy and knocked the wind out of him, and Inge used some sort of magic stuff to freak out the other guy enough that he started booking it. So we ran after him because he happened to be going in the same direction we had to go.
And then eventually we get to this like, huge intersection, and we had to figure out where the control room would be. At first I thought maybe I should try talking to the blimp again--
Melchior, you did not--
As it turns out I did not, actually, 'cause Flourish has some really good spatial awareness or something and managed to figure out with a sketch where it'd have to be. Which was good enough for me. So we go the way she says and hey, turns out she was right! And we end up in this room with a lady in a butterfly cape, the supervillain, and a bunch of nerds. 
By "nerds," you mean--
Oh, she had a bunch of scientists running the blimp or whatever. So she introduces herself as Monarch and says the laser is an accident that just sort of happened because they came from a different dimension without the person who actually knows how to fly the thing. Which was totally, 100% bullshit, obviously.
That… how does a laser go off… accidentally?
It doesn't! But she let me turn it off anyways to keep up the act, which I personally appreciated. And that's when shit started to get weird.
Oh, then, huh?
Okay, weirder, then. Flourish starts acting weird, and then Inge just flat-out passes out for no apparent reason. Honestly I feel bad for Flourish, I'm worried she's gonna think everyone on Big Team is just passing out all the time. 
Well, maybe if you were a little more careful--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, Monarch was being super weird about letting us take Inge off the blimp so I pulled Flourish into a team huddle and it very quickly became very obvious that she'd been mind controlled. Like, weird eye color change, refused to consider anything bad about Monarch, the whole thing. And I don't know how to break mind control. So I just asked her to get a good look around the control room, and then convinced Monarch to let us take Inge and go. Except she insisted we take one of her nerds and a launch pod from the blimp. So we all leave the room, Flourish thank god comes back to herself in the ship, and we get in the pod and start getting back towards the ground. I knocked out the nerd--
You what?
Well he was still mind controlled! I figured turning him off and on again might work! I dunno, I don't know how to fix people that aren't robots, and nobody else was a secret robot. I checked.
Well, did it… work?
Well, no.
Mel!
Well how was I supposed to know it wouldn't?! It was fine though, Inge used some other magic stuff to break him out of it. So we left him on the ground, and met up with Gwen. I asked Gwen to get Boon and be a distraction and make a ruckus on the blimp to draw out the guards, so Flourish could transport the rest of us back into the control room and we could ambush Monarch.
Well. Look at you, strategizing.
Don't get too excited, 'cause it did not go well.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah. It turns out Flourish isn't very good at transporting other people with her. We landed and were way off balance. And then Flourish got mind controlled again. And then another supervillain walked in. So our ambush didn't work out great.
Mm. I don't like where this is going.
You shouldn't! I basically just vamped for a bit trying to figure out what to do without starting a fight we couldn't win. Monarch tried to send us off with the other villain, and I wasn't about to leave her alone with mind-controlled Flourish, but Inge went with them to try to do that un-mind-control trick. Which was awful, splitting up is the worst it's so stressful.
So you were left alone with a mind-controlling villain, your mind-controlled friend, and no plan?
And a handful of assorted nerds, yeah. Pretty much. So anyways I started blasting.
You what?!
I'm just kidding, I super didn't have the energy to fuck around with trying the gun thing again. I just tackled her. Well, I tried.
Mel!
Well I didn't have a lot of options, Cassi! It didn't work out great, because Monarch also had like, hard light stuff and kept putting up shit that I just ran into. And I just kept trying to get around it until I guess she got tired of my shit and threw me out the window.
WHAT?!
Jesus, Cassi, you're gonna blow out my phone speakers. It was fine, I can fly, and I did that trick where I made myself metal and just crashed back in the window because she was not getting rid of me that easily.
Unfortunately I didn't get any magically better at hitting her, and she just put me in a magic box and there was pretty much nothing I could do about that.
God, what I would do for the ability to put you in a magic box you can't escape from.
Hey! You're not allowed to be jealous of supervillains. So, Monarch tells her nerds to just get the blimp to leave, which sucks because, y'know, we were still on it and I didn't have my suit because I was on a date with my boyfriend, so I couldn't do anything about it.
Well, you're still in this dimension, so clearly you figured something out.
Not quite. Inge managed to un-mind control all the supervillains, and busted into the control room with the fuckin' cavalry. Monarch is surprised, the box disappears, I'll be honest the rest is kind of a blur but I know the blimp got stopped and Monarch kind of knocked my ass out and when I came to again we'd won.
Jesus, Mel. Four times in one weekend?
Listen! I've had some bad luck! And anyways it all turned out fine. I helped the nerds set the blimp back on course for their home dimension. Flourish felt super bad about the whole mind control thing, and I… hope I made her feel better? She asked to talk to me and then started crying and I kind of panicked but she stopped crying after I told her stuff was okay and stuff so I think it worked? She's a good kid. I hope all the mind control and the passing out didn't scare her off or anything. But I'm sure she'll be fine.
Mel, please tell me nothing else happened to you this weekend.
Yeah, after that we all went back down to the ground and I checked on Atlanta and Nate and everyone was fine so I just went home. And like five fucking people grounded me, so I figured I should probably just go to bed. And then you woke me up to yell at me because apparently Boon gave you bad information. That's it, I swear.
[a long exhale]
Okay. Well, first of all, I'm glad you're okay. 
Thank you.
Second of all, you are incredibly grounded. No more heroing this week, got it?
[a groan]
Oh no, don't give me that. I'm serious. I'm texting Boon and tell them to keep an eye on you.
Fiiiiine. In that case, I'm going back to bed.
Good. I wouldn't put it past you to get yourself killed in bed, but at least it'll be harder.
Yeah, yeah, I'm very talented. I know. G'night, Cassi.
Sleep well, Mel. I'll come by sometime this week, okay?
M'kay. I'll help you study or something.
Sounds good. Love you.
Love you, too.
[recording ends]
== S6E5: For Whom the Bel Tolls ==
[recording begins]
[slightly tinny Daft Punk blaring]
Ah, fuck!
[scrabbling sounds, a few muttered curses and pained hisses, and the music cuts off]
Ow. I need a longer charger.
… Oh, what's that look for?
[the music starts up again]
Fuck!
[it shuts off]
Oh, fuck off, Wingnut. I'm not ignoring her. Do you want the entire hospital to hear me getting chewed out by my big sister? 'Cause that's what's gonna happen if I pick up the phone.
[the music starts again and is again quickly silence]
Christ, Cassi, give it a rest. Look, I'll text her--'Can't talk right now, promise I'm fine, call you when I can.' Satisfied?
Ow! You know, it's kind of hypocritical for you to get mad at me for getting hurt, and then give me additional puncture wounds--ha! Too slow! I'm getting wise to your tricks, Wingnut. Can't catch--
[a metal scraping noise followed by a sudden sharp intake of breath, and then very measured breathing]
Okay. Okay. Gonna just. Sit still for a minute and not bang then exploded wings on stuff. That. That sounds like a good plan. Fuck. It is such a phenomenal pain in my ass that I can't reach these things myself to fix them. Why did Ernest have to bring me to a hospital, why not just the base, we have a fuckin'--
[the music starts blaring again]
Jesus fucking--
[it stops]
Cassi, can you read?!
[muffled]
Melchior Methuselah Mercury--
I am not in the mood right now. I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be, I'm real upset at a bunch of people including myself, and I'm in kind of a lot of pain right now so if you could spare me the fucking riot act just this once, I'd really fucking appreciate it.
[a pause]
… Sorry. Sorry, I didn't--it's just been a long day.
Mel, are you at the hospital right now?
[a sigh]
Yeah. 
I'm coming over.
No, Cassi, don't--look, it's getting late, they probably won't even let you in. Just come tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.
[a long pause]
Cassi, if you break into a hospital, I'll have you know you lose the moral high ground forever.
Absolutely not true. 
Look, I promise not to break out this time. I will stay here until you have time to yell at me in person. Okay?
… Okay.
Great. Are we good?
Hold on. First you have to tell me why you jumped on a grenade!
Jesus christ, did Ernest text you?
No, you said it yourself!
Ugh, god, I keep forgetting you have chitter now.
Good, I prefer it that way. You let things slip. Now start talking.
Okay, okay, fine. Violet needs to get out more, so Smoke and his girlfriend Esmerelda were gonna take her to that air show. I came too, and Ryan is excited by the idea of literally any kind of museum, so I invited them. And like, it was normal at first. Paige was there running a bake sale for club funding--oh shit, can you ask Penn if she's okay? I didn't see her in the hangar when shit kicked off but I didn't exactly have time to check since--just, can you ask?
Yeah, of course. I'm--I'm sure she's fine.
Yeah, they were… they were pretty far from the hangar, she was really dedicated to the bake sale, I'm sure they were totally safe, just, christ, I forgot she was there.
What happened?
Well, first of all, I was waiting in line to heckle Ernest at his autograph signing booth--next to some really mean twelve year olds, by the way--when I saw Gravitron. Uh, Seb's evil son's, like, deputy or whatever? She crashed Augtoberfest and stole a bunch of shit for the Black Magic Club that I totally sabotaged so she couldn't use. Last I saw her she was riding off into the sunset on a motorcycle with Vic Toxic, but apparently she's all aboard Team Stop This Timeline From Being Destroyed now. Which, like, sure, I guess! I'll take it!
Okay, so… what was she doing there?
Uh, trying to warn us that the timeline was in danger. Except I don't actually know what the danger is 'cause she was real unspecific, and we kinda got sidetracked when she was like 'oh yeah and also in our timeline some bad shit happened at this air show' and naturally we were like 'okay well you can't just say that and not tell us what the bad shit is!' And she started talking about something happening at the race and then Ryan spotted someone being shady as hell by the AEGIS helicarrier prototype--uh, right, part of the air show was like this museum of AEGIS aviation history--so we left Savior and Gravitron and Smoke and, like, Ernest, to deal with the race and we went to go investigate the hangar. Uh, Flourish showed up at some point? I guess she was at the air show too? Dunno why she didn't just come with us, but whatever.
And in the hangar there was this… girl. Dressed up like an old timey pilot with clockwork wings. With bombs. 
Bombs?! Around--did any of those planes have fuel in them?!
Y'know, as it turns out, they super did. Bronze Bomber Jr. starts chucking bombs, and Violet starts chucking them back at her, and Ryan has to like, stop time to stop this plane from exploding on a bunch of civilians while Flourish starts evacuating people.
Oh my god. Did everybody get out okay?
Yeah, I think so. Flourish was pretty on top of it. Baby Bomber starts talking about how AEGIS stole her grandpa's designs and built the whole helicarrier thing, and she wants to both steal the design and destroy the prototype, which, um… well, it was starting to sound kind of familiar.
Oh, Mel.
Ryan pointed out that attacking a museum isn't gonna get anybody to listen to her and I… tried to talk her down. Explain that like, I've been there, y'know? Pissed at AEGIS for having something I didn't think they should and deciding to do something about it. And it didn't work out great! Smoke and I aren't in AEGIS supervillain jail probably only because Director Hussain thought we'd be too annoying to keep. And obviously I didn't want her to keep throwing bombs at people, but I also don't want to see somebody else go down that path if I can avoid it, y'know?
Mel, you know I don't approve of the things you were getting up to last spring. But you weren't… bombing a museum full of people.
I mean, sure, yeah, but I also had a whole bunch of people to fall back on, y'know? Maybe the Bronze Bomber wouldn't be attacking museums either if she didn't feel desperate. Look, it just… it struck a chord, okay? So I tried to talk her down. And, uh, well. It didn't work. She tried to blow up another plane and I sort of… caught the bombs?
You what?!
She threw more bombs at a plane and I jumped in front of them and… um, sometimes I use my wings as like, a shield, right? I kinda did that but, like, in reverse. So it wouldn't get the plane! And it hurt like fuck and I think I snapped at her and that's the last I remember until I came to and Ernest was flying me to the hospital.
[a pause]
… Cassi?
… You asked me not to yell at you, and I am trying very hard to respect that because you've clearly had a hard day, but I am so absolutely fucking furious with you right now, Melchior.
Cassi, c'mon! It was me or, like, everybody else in the hangar, which also included me! Look, you wanted me to be a better hero, right? This is me doing that.
I wanted you to be better, not get yourself killed.
I won't! I'm not!
Despite what you may believe, you are not actually invincible, Mel!
I know! Believe me, I am well fucking aware. But I'm also not just a kid with a wrench and a bird against the universe anymore, okay? I can handle a lot more than you think I can. And sometimes shit goes bad and I end up hurt and that's fucking show business and it's still better than if I wasn't there to help in the first place. So I'm sorry that I keep scaring you, but I'm not gonna stop.
…
… I really am okay, though. I just need a mechanic to fix my wings and I'll be fine. And a really long nap. I think my weird robot body's doing some super healing shit or something because I'm fucking exhausted and also less blown up than you'd expect.
… Okay, Mel.
Okay?
You know I'm never gonna stop being upset when you get hurt.
Yeah, you and everyone else I know.
But. I'm also proud of you, Mel. Even when you give me a heart attack over chitter.
[a very small laugh]
Thanks, Cassi.
But again, and I want to emphasize this, I do not want to find out that you jumped on a grenade from chitter again.
Honestly I should just make a group chat of everybody that would want to yell at me so I can just consolidate it, y'know? Like, you, Smoke, Boon and Ernest, Aunt Maggie, Nate, Atlanta… Faith would probably be upset if I left her out… Tay and Ellen aren't really the lecturing type, but Tay might also feel left out… Might as well add Hana and Tiago just for backup.
Okay, okay, I'll let you sort that out on your own. Just keep me in the loop, okay?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck! That reminds me! I gotta get you and Smoke to meet. Like, for real. It'll be great, you can complain about me to each other. You don't have to like, adopt him or anything but you gotta at least meet each other.
Sure, Mel. Give me a time and place and I'd love to meet Smoke. I have some questions for him.
… Well now I'm starting to think this is a bad idea, but I'm already committed.
[a muffled, tinny laugh]
I promise I won't scare off your new dad, Mel. Though if he can't handle a little civil conversation--
You're not making me feel better about this.
That sounds like a you problem.
I hate you. I'm going to bed.
Love you too, Mel. Get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow.
Mhm. Bye, Cassi. Remember to check on Paige for me!
Of course. G'night, Mel.
[a long exhale]
Okay. Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought. Sorry to exclude you, pal, I didn't want to put it on speaker, y'know? Okay, I'm gonna… fuck, I gotta text Ryan and find out what happened to Bronze Bomber. Is it wrong I kind of hope she got away?
[faint whirring]
Well, obviously I hope she got away and is gonna listen to me. But, like, either way, I wanna know. She just… 
[sigh]
She makes me really happy I met Smoke. I'll put it that way. Okay. I'm gonna try to sleep and tomorrow I'll find somebody to fix these fuckin' things. Night, pal.
[quiet whirring]
[recording ends]
== S6E24: Crisis Response ==
[recording begins]
Okay, that was... a lot. And weird. That was weird and a lot. I didn't know I could do that. Did you know I could do that?
[a pause]
No, I didn't think you did. And, like, it's good that I saved Echo. Obviously. But it is freaking me out that I have that like... capability. Like, sure, I knew that this robot stuff could be dangerous. I fuckin' stabbed Melody that one time. And shot lasers at a bunch of people that other time. But I'm not supposed to be able to do... that! Why did they make me able to do that?! Whatever happened to squishy normal boy, huh? 
[whirring, and then a long sigh]
Okay. Okay, yeah, I'm okay. It's just... it's been months. Since the whole robot thing, I mean. And it's almost like... stopped feeling weird? Like, especially now that I'm not, like, fighting with it, it feels... almost normal. Natural's the better word, maybe. Less like there's some kind of weird robo-symbiote taking over my body and more like it's just me, y'know? Like I can almost forget that I wasn't always like this. Or, I mean, I was, but I didn't know--you get it. The point is, I thought I had a handle on it. And then something like this happens and it's like, wow, turns out maybe I super don't have a handle on this! Turns out there's more shit going on in here that I have no idea about. Like, there's a lot going on in here that I have no idea about, but I thought I understood the scope, y'know. And especially when like... I didn't... I wasn't... it wasn't... me?
I mean, obviously it was me. I've watched your footage like, thirty times already, it was very clearly me. But I was... so out of it. Whatever the hell fucking fire bullshit hit me took me out. I was out of the fight. And then I saw that thing get Echo, and then I... woke up.
I don't even remember doing it, Wingnut. That's what freaks me out the most. If you didn't have footage of it, I wouldn't believe it happened.
[a long sigh]
At least I saved Echo. At least whatever the fuck took over to do... that had the right priorities. God, I feel awful, that poor kid had such a bad go of it. Like, whatever happened at that club meeting, whatever that dickwad kid said to him clearly hit him really hard. And then he almost got eaten by a shadow monster. And we didn't actually accomplish anything. Real stellar family outing, that.
[a groan]
I know he's gotta... learn how to deal with it when things go wrong, 'cause sometimes they're gonna go wrong. But it sucks to watch. I just... want to help him.
[a disgruntled sound]
That's why Tiago pissed me off so much with whatever the fuck he was trying to pull with talking Echo into skipping class and... making him a toy? To like, buy his love? Turn him to the dark side or some shit? Like, the fuck, dude?
[a sigh]
I should talk to him. Tiago, I mean. I don't think he understands, like... how important this is to me. Not fucking up with Echo, I mean. Like, the kid looks up to me! God knows why. I mean, I know why, but still. Me! Who would've thought that would happen! God knows nobody I didn't save from our evil mom's secret underground lair-slash-boarding-school would do that, so I gotta be extra careful not to fuck this one up! I just... I want to do right by him. As much as I can, anyways.
[a wry snort]
God. Is this how Smoke feels? Am I turning into my dad?
[a laugh]
Well, if I had to pick one. Fuck, I should tell him about the... thing. What if he freaks out? No seriously, don't peck me, listen. His whole thing was like, dangerous tech, right? A building sized robot is pretty fucking dangerous.
Ow, I said don't peck me! I've had a bad day, let me be irrational.
[a long pause, and then a sigh]
God, I'm still... look, don't tell anyone. But I'm scared. Like, I know, logically, that I've pissed off my parents and Prometheus enough by now that if they had a "turn Mel evil" button they probably would've hit it by now. But like, if I can lose control and help someone, I could lose control and hurt someone. And then what am I gonna do? If I turn into a building-sized evil robot, who the fuck is gonna deal with that? I don't trust half the fucking Vanguard to actually take me out if it's me. You think Atlanta's gonna kill evil me? No fucking chance. Melody and Gwen probably would. Kurt's a maybe. Boon wouldn't. Ernest is a maybe.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, is wondering which of my friends would be willing to kill evil giant robot me not "healthy"? Who made you the czar of healthy coping mechanisms, huh?
Ow! Okay, fine, I'll drop it!
... After I ask Ernest. Look! I promise I'll drop it, but I'll feel better if I know. Just, c'mon, it'll take two seconds.
[recording ends]
[recording begins]
Ernest! Hey, Ernest, I have a question.
Hey Mel, what’s up? … Are you toasting without limits now? You look a little burnt.
What? No, don't be stupid. Toasters have limits for a reason. I got barbecued by some DMC asshole.
But that's not the point! Ernest, if I turned into an evil giant robot and went on a rampage, you'd kill me, right?
 
No.
Wait how hypothetical is that question, are you like planning to go on a rampage soon or something?
Am I planning to go on a rampage? No. But - okay, hold on, I need you to watch this.
[shuffling sounds, then a long pause]
Dude, you grew so many extra bones.
Wh - really? That's what you're taking from this? Are you not concerned?
Concerned about what? That you saved your clone sibling from a terrifying shadow monster? That seems pretty awesome to me.
No! I mean, yes, I'm very pro saving Echo. But picture that, but evil.
Are you trying to tell me that doesn’t already look evil? I’ve told you before, your aesthetic is like 95% evil but you’ve never seemed interested in fixing that.
Ernest! I mean, like, actually evil, not just purple! Like, picture that but, like, on a rampage!
It’s not the purple, my costume is purple and I don’t look evil. But fine, I’m picturing it, are you happy?
Yes. No. Just - would you kill me or not?
No! I mean, I’d try to stop you, sure. But I don’t kill supervillains, and you don’t get a special exception to that just because you’re my step second cousin once removed in law.
[a sigh]
Okay. I guess I'll take it. Thanks, Ernest.
You’re welcome.
... You’ve been taking a lot of big hits lately, dude. Are you doing alright?
Um. Physically or emotionally?
Both? I guess I was asking mostly emotionally though, since clearly you don’t find the whole passing out thing to be that concerning.
Well honestly, they're probably the same answer, but y'know, sometimes you can really only address one in the moment, so you gotta, like, prioritize, y'know? Anyways, no, not really.
Okay this sounds like fruit loops kind of conversation. 
[rummaging noises]
So like, what’s been going on? We tried to get you to cool off and take a break with the whole grounding thing, but clearly that didn’t work. But sometimes you need a rest, you know?
[a whine]
Ernest, I've had such a bad day, you can't make me talk about my feelings too, that's not fair.
I can and I will. It’s good for you! 
[the sound of a bowl being slid across a table]
C’mon, don’t make me drag Boon into this too.
[ a longer whine]
You're the worst step second cousin once removed in law ever. I hate you.
Awww, I hate you too.
[incoherent grumbling, then a long sigh] 
I thought I was good at this, y'know? And like, I'm trying. Like, I'm trying really hard to be better at the whole hero thing. And everyone's just mad at me all the time.
I don’t know about other people, but I’m mad at you for not taking care of yourself. Like yeah, part of the whole hero thing is putting yourself in danger to protect other people, believe me I get that. But you don’t have to try to take on all the danger by yourself. That’s what you’ve got a team for. And they don’t seem to be coming out nearly as banged up as you.
That's the point, though. If everyone else is coming out okay, that's a win. Like, I'm one of the most senior people on the team now, right? It's my job to look out for everyone else.
[an exasperated sigh] 
As one of the most senior people on the team it’s your job to look out for everyone on the team. And that includes yourself. That might mean taking a few hits every now and then, but sometimes you’ll have to take a step back and let other people handle things. Trust me, not every problem is best solved by lightning, or being a robot.
[a doubtful sound] 
I dunno Ernest, I think being a robot might just be better at solving problems than lightning.
Look, Boon and me didn’t leave you to look after the team so you could destroy yourself trying to keep other people safe. Just… try to set a good example for the new kids, so they know what to do after you join us on the Vanguard, alright?
[a long exhale] 
I'm fuckin' trying, dude.
[scraping sounds, a dish clattering]
Well I'm fuckin' exhausted, and I think I have to beat up some kid who's bullying Echo tomorrow, so I'm going to bed. G'night, Ernest.
Just so you know - you’ve been doing amazing things the past few months. Don’t think no one appreciates that. We’d just also appreciate it if you looked out for yourself a little more. But yeah, you look like you need the rest. ‘Night Mel.
… Thanks, Ernest. Seriously. See you tomorrow.
[recording ends]
Category:Journals
Category:Bolt
Category:Signal