The Plague

The Plague is the first episode of season three, and the sixteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 16, 2020.
== Plot ==
A Plague is unleashed, sending Bikini Bottom into a pandemic.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens in Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom. He is alone, working on a new lab project.]
Mr. R’Onion: Fish have been destroying this beautiful ocean for far, far too long. Something drastic has to be done to stop this sabotage at once! [he picks up a petri dish from his desk, dumping the contents outside the window] This should do the trick! 
[Cut to Mr. Perkins.] 
Mr. Perkins: In a stunning development, the entire ocean has been caught in a deadly plague! Health experts are advising fish to stay indoors as much as possible, in order to avoid spreading the contagion. One can only imagine the intense work the president and his staff are taking at the moment to keep Bikini Bottomites safe in the face of this global emergency. 
[Cut to Mr. Trump playing golf.] 
Mr. Trump: Ah, golfing. My third favorite sport. 
Mr. Guliani: What’s your second and first favorites?
Mr. Trump: My second favorite is boating. Oh, how I love those beautiful, beautiful boats. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can compare to the sport of raping children. In fact, I found a new place just the other day. 
Mr. Guliani: Where do you keep finding all these new places?
Mr. Trump: I have a guy that hooks me up. 
[flashback]
Larry Lobster: [speaking on the phone] President Trump! You need to come down immediately! I found another secret pedophile ring! 
[suddenly a limousine stops by, Mr. Trump walking out of it]
Mr. Trump: Thanks for the tip, Larry. I’ll be sure to investigate it! [heads into the door] 
Mr. Lobster: What a guy! Taking down all these pedophiles. Of course the liberal media doesn’t bother covering it! 
[Cut to inside.] 
Mr. Renaud: Oh hey, what a surprise! Donald Trump! You’re just in time! Joe was just about to show us the new one he caught! 
Mr. Biden: Yep. A nice, beautiful high school girl. [takes out a cage with Mr. Pineapple] 
Mr. Pineapple: For the last time, I am not a girl! 
Mr. R’Onion: [pops out of the window] Travis! What are you doing?! You should be doing your homework, not getting raped by pedophiles! You’re falling incredibly behind! 
[Cut to present.] 
Mr. Pence: My favorite sport is electrocuting homosexuals! 
Mr. Trump: Oh yeah, don’t you do that tomorrow?
Mr. Pence: No, unfortunately it got cancelled. 
Mr. Trump: Is that so? How come?
Mr. Pence: You got my partner arrested. 
Mr. Trump: Blame him for that! He was trying to rig the election! ‘
Mr. Pence: You had no problem with him rigging it back in 2016. 
Mr. Trump: Because then it was being rigged for me! Don’t you know, election fraud is only bad if being done by my opponents?
[Cut to Mr. Sanders watching the news.] 
Mr. Sanders: What a disgrace. They want us all to stay inside, and the government isn’t even going to provide free Netflix? 
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple watching the news.] 
Mr. Pineapple: I can’t believe it! Bikini Bottom has sunk to a whole new low! They’ve obviously created this virus in a lab, with the intent of crippling countries that dare to resist their imperialist terrorism! They think they’ll be able to weather the storm, due to their superior technology. Well, we’ll see about that! 
[Mr. Pineapple takes out a red button, pressing it. Suddenly, every mask and ventilator manufacturing plant in Bikini Bottom is blown up.] 
[Cut to Mr. Chillyrooster.] 
Mr. Chillyrooster: And remember, it is crucial that we all socially distance. 
[Cut to Mr. Renaud.] 
Mr. Renaud: Socially distance?! But then how am I going to fuck children?!
[Cut to Mr. G.]
Mr. G: How am I going to commit war crimes if I don’t kill anyone?!
[Cut to Mr. Banana.] 
Mr. Banana: How am I gonna rape strawberries?! 
[Cut back to Mr. Chillyrooster.] 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Anyway, I’d like to introduce BBTV’s newest hire, Karen Plankton! Having had to drop out of the Libertarian primary due to the extremist faction taking over her party, she’ll be sure to have insightful commentary on the rise of figures of Mr. Trump, Mr. Pineapple, and Mr. R’Onion. 
Mrs. Plankton: Uh, is it safe for us to be so close to each other?
Mr. Chillyrooster: It’s fine. You’re a computer.
Mrs. Plankton: Oh yeah. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: And now, we’ll be speaking with the two leading Democratic contenders for their thoughts on the situation. Done virtually of course. First up, Senator Bernie Sanders. 
[Suddenly, Mr. Sanders appears on Karen’s screen.] 
Mr. Sanders: Great to be with you, Mr. Chillyrooster. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: What do you have to say about this plague?
Mr. Sanders: Well, you know, as you’ve said, it is critical that we all make sure to stay inside and socially distance. That’s why I believe we should take a look at postponing the primaries until we can get this situation under control. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: You’ve taken a nosedive in the polls recently, Mr. Sanders. Does your suggestion of postponing the primaries perhaps have anything to do with that?
Mr. Sanders: [sweating nervously] Uh...of course not! Gotta go! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Sanders disappears from Mrs. Plankton’s screen.] 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, that was abrupt. And now, time for former Vice President Joe Biden. 
[Mr. Biden appears on Mrs. Plankton’s screen.] 
Mr. Biden: Viva Las Vegas! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: What?
Mr. Biden: The plague disproportionately affects seniors, which means I won’t be in this race for much longer! Hallelujah, Jack! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Biden, if you don’t want to be in the race, why not just drop out now?
Mr. Biden: Mr. Banana is forcing me to stay in it against my will. 
Mr. Banana: [off-screen] Don’t tell him that! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on, your opponent Mr. Sanders has suggested postponing the remaining primaries due to the plague. Your thoughts?
Mr. Biden: Absolutely not. I want this to end as soon as possible. I’ve already had to do enough stuff due to this banana. 
Mr. Banana: [off-screen] Quiet!
Mr. Chillyrooster: But couldn’t holding the primaries now be dangerous? Long voting lines could cause fish to be infected with the Plague. 
Mr. Biden: Listen, Jack. The cause of conserva- I mean centrism - is more important than my supporter’s lives.
[Cut to the White House Press Briefing Room. Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany is holding a press conference.]
Mrs. McEnany: Don’t believe these socialists, President Trump is on his a-game!
Reporter: He was spotted playing Golf with Guilani earlier today. I’d like to see him come here right now.
Mrs. McEnany: Well, he was most likely, and probably is right now, working on some expert strategies to combat the Plague. He most certainly isn’t “playing” with Mr. Guilani, have some respect for our President, fake news!
[Cut to the White House bedroom. Mr. Giulani, dressed in drag, walks in.]
Mr. Trump: Y’know, you’re really beautiful. [kisses Mr. Guilani’s breasts]
Mr. Guilani: [slaps Mr. Trump] Oh, you dirty boy! Donald, I thought you were a gentleman! [walks out of the room]
Mr. Trump: You can’t say I didn’t try!
[Suddenly, Mr. Trump’s phone rings.]
Mr. Trump: [answers the phone] I’m still here, Rudy, come over and we can have some fun!
Mrs. McEnany: Uh, it’s me, your press secretary. The reporters are demanding you come to the briefing room to address concerns about the Plague.
Mr. Trump: The what?
Mrs. McEnany: The Plague, y’know, the thing that’s about to infect everyone in Bikini Bottom. Everything is shutting down.
Mr. Trump: I see. Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I do have an idea what my penis is talking about. Would you mind filling in for Rudy?
Mrs. McEnany: I’m married, so no.
Mr. Trump: But I’m also married!
[Mrs. McEnany hangs up the phone.]
Mrs. McEnany: Well, folks, it looks like he can’t talk to you. This press conference is over.
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom Jail.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: It is very inhumane to keep me in prison at this time. I demand a pardon from President Trump!
Prison Guard: Sir, you’re in jail because you hacked the Republican primary against Trump, why would he ever pardon you?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Because I’m straight!
[The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:Episodes
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:Squidnerd
Category:The Terrible Travis
Category:Episodes written by Squidnerd
Category:2020s