Marge vs. the Monorail/Quotes

:Marge opens a closet in the monorail.
:Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
:Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
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:Homer is schlumpily sitting on the couch watching TV.
:Lyle Lanley: Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
:Homer: Maybe. 
:Commercial shows man sitting schlumpily on a couch who looks remarkably like Homer.
:Lyle Lanley: Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box?
:Homer: What's it to you?
:Lyle Lanley: Are you on your third beer of the evening?
:Homer: Does whiskey count as beer?
:Lyle Lanley: Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.
:Commercial shows a glitzy high rise.
:TV Commercial: Actual institute may not match photo.
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:Bart helps Homer study for the monorail test by reading some questions to him.
:Bart: True or false: "You can get mono from riding the monorail."
:Homer: False. No, wait. Maybe it's true. 
:Bart: No, you were right. It's false. Wow. You really are gonna be a monorail conductor.
:Homer: That's right, boy. 
:Bart: You know, I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
:Homer: Heh-heh. Kids. 
:Bart: But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. 
:Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer junior? The kids can call you "Hoju"!
:Bart's eyes look away.
:Bart: I'll get back to you.
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:Yet another one of Homer's lifelong dreams.
:Homer: But Marge! My lifelong dream is to be a monorail conductor!
:Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember?
:Baseball music and an applause is heard as Marge points out framed newspaper clipping on the bedroom wall showing Homer running on a baseball diamond.
:Newspaper Headline: IDIOT RUINS GAME; SPRINGFIELD FORFEITS PENNANT
: ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
:(The citizens are in the Monorail Conducting Training School)
:Lyle Lanley: So "mono" means "one", and "rail" means "rail". And that concludes our intensive three week course. (He goes for the door.)
:Otto Mann: Hey, wait, man. Who gets to be conductor? 
:Lyle Lanley: (He stops and checks his diary) Oh, right, that. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely. (He waves his hand slowly from right to left.) But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. (Everyone gasps)
:Homer: Who, me?
:Lyle Lanley: Yeah, sure. (He leaves the room)
:Homer: (Believing that he is chosen to be the Monorail Conductor) Woo Hoo! 
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:(Lyle catches Marge reading his journal)
:Marge: Oh!
:Lyle Lanley: How much did you see?
:Marge: Uh, nothing incriminating.
:Lyle Lanley: Good.
:Marge: Well, bye.
:(After Marge leaves)
:Lyle Lanley: I don't know why I leave this lying around.
:Marge concerned about the welfare of the citizens of Springfield, decides to take a night drive. Visions of various people go through her mind.
:Lyle Lanley: (imagined) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook!
:Apu: (imagined) Is there a chance the track could bend?
:Homer: (imagined) I call the big one Bitey.
:Lyle Lanley: (imagined) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook!
:Apu: (imagined): Is there a chance the track could bend?
:Homer: (imagined) I call the big one Bitey.
:Marge arrives in North Haverbrook.
:Sign: NORTH HAVERBROOK; WHERE THE MONORAIL IS KING!
:Marge parks her car and inspects the community of North Haverbrook. She is appalled to find tumbleweeds, rusted out cars, and dilapidated, abandoned houses. No one is in any of the houses except for an elderly lady in a rocking chair on a veranda.
:Old lady: (cackling) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:Marge continues on in her tour of North Haverbrook. She sees a destroyed monorail track with one of the cars dangling off the track, confirming her suspicions. She then meets a disheveled, traumatized woman.
:Woman: Go away! There ain't no monorail and there never was!
:Woman slams window shut.
:Window: MONORAIL CAFE
:A creepy looking man approaches Marge, who screams in horror.
:Man: Excuse me, Miss. You asked about the monorail?
:Marge: Who are you?
:Mr. Cobb: My name is Sebastian Cobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere. Bad wiring, faulty breaks, and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.
:Sebastian Cobb shows Marge the wrecked monorail.
:Sebastian Cobb: This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
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:Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy!
:Audience applauds.
:Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5!
:Audience chuckles.
:Quimby: And let me say, "May the force be with you!"
:Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
:Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
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:The monorail is out of control. And Homer tries to pull the lever to hit the brakes.
:Service Speaker: The lever you have pulled-- brakes-- is not in service. Please make a note of it.
:(Marge and Sebastian Cobb are thinking of a way to stop the monorail)
:Marge: How fast are they going?
:Homer: (The monorail whizzes by) Yikes!
:Sebastian Cobb: Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour.
:Homer: (The monorail whizzes by again) Yikes!
:(The monorail is constantly zooming around in circles and Chief Wiggum is watching from the control tower.)
:Chief Wiggum: Ah. It's making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap. 
:Mayor Quimby: Alright, I'm in charge here. 
:Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
:Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
:Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
:Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
:Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show.
:Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall.
:Chief Wiggum: Fine! (A brief pause) Should we take one car or, should I follow you?
:(Wiggum and Quimby are at the town hall as the monorail whizzes by)
:Chief Wiggum: Hey according to the charter, I'm supposed to get a pig every month... "and two comely lasses of virtue true."
:Mayor Quimby: Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? (He tries to take the charter)
:Chief Wiggum: (They both start tugging on the charter) Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it! 
:Mayor Quimby: No, you are!
:Chief Wiggum: No, you are!
:Mayor Quimby: Let go! That's the charter!
:(The monorail whizzes by the town hall again)
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:The monorail is still out of control. Marge communicates to Homer.
:Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
:Homer: Batman?!
:Marge: No, he's a scientist.
:Homer: Batman's a scientist!
:Marge: It's not Batman!
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: (Lyle Lanley is on his flight to Tahiti)
:Flight Attendant: Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
:Lyle Lanley: North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? (That is when he realizes that was the town that he made the monorail destroy most of that town) Oh, no. Oh, no!
:Citizen of North Haverbrook: There he is-- seat 3-F!
:(The mob of North Haverbrook rushes inside the airplane and attacks Lyle Lanley unseen as sweet revenge for destroying their hometown)
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:Sebastian Cobb: I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort.
:Homer visualizes Bart turning into an anchor.
:Bart the Anchor: Think harder, Homer.
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:The monorail has been halted after Homer's makeshift anchor attaches itself to a gigantic plaster donut atop the donut shop.
:Homer: (talking to himself) Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
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:Kent Brockman interviews Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh off her latest stay at the Betty Ford Clinic
:Kent Brockman: What you been up to, Lurleen?
:Lurleen Lumpkin: I spent last night in a ditch!
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:Mr. Burns: [disguising himself] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
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:Marge: [via narration voiceover] And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon, except for the popsicle stick skyscraper, and the 50-foot magnifying glass, and that escalator to nowhere.
es:Marge vs. the Monorail/Frases