The First Punic War/Transcript

== Part 1 ==
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(background) Character: Oh, wow!
OverSimplified: Buy them, or I'll marry your mother. It's your choice.
=== Introduction Scene: Background of Ancient Rome (0:25) ===
(beginning of the episode)
Dad: Oh Marcelus! You sure have a looot of dignitas. Kiss me! *changes character* Ok. *imitates kissing*
Timulus: Hey, Dad?
Dad: *quickly* Hi, son. Just reading the newspaper. What can I do for you?
Timulus: Well, you know how you always say Rome is the greatest civilization in the world?
Dad: It bloody well is!
Timulus: Well I was just wondering, what makes us so great? How did we come to be?
Dad: Wow. My son! Boy, let me take you on a journey... to this side of the room. *turns on projector* The story of Rome, begins with these beautiful baby boys going to town on some she-wolf mommy milkers!
Timulus: That's gross...
Dad: You're gross!- Sorry, son. You're not gross. I love you. *continues* They're called Romulus and Remus, and when they grew up in 753 BC, they founded Rome. But there was just one problem. They couldn't agree on which of them should be the king.
Timulus: But they... worked it out peacefully, right?
Dad: Oh, heavens no! Romulus caved Remus' skull in with a shovel. Here's a picture!
Timulus: Our first king committed fratricide?!
Dad: I know, look at his face!
Timulus: When's the part where we become the greatest civilization, Dad?
Dad: Well you see, at first Rome was full of men. I'm talking like a real sausage party. You know what I mean?
Timulus: Yes, sir.
Dad: So we invited some neighboring cities over for a big feast and then we literally kidnapped ALL of their women. Here's a picture. *laughs* Look at that one. She's like, BAAAAAAAGGHH! *laughs*
Timulus: This is messed up.
Dad: You're messed up! Ugh, sorry, sorry. I'll be a better father. *pokes Timulus in the face three times* I promise. *and then literally pokes him in the right eye* *continues* So then, finally, after centuries of monarchy, those tyrannical kings started getting a little too big for their britches, so we overthrew their kings, and established the Roman as a republic!
Timulus: Is that when all the killing stopped?
Dad: Oh, heavens no! That's when the killing SURGED, baby! We went WILD, and conquered the Latin League, the Samnites, the Etruscans! WOO, what a rush!
Timulus: Dad... Rome seems pretty barbaric.
Dad: YOU'RE BARBARIC! *sudden change in expression* Oh, I forgot to tell you about the time a prophet told Saturn his son would one day overthrow him. So.. *giggles* So Saturn literally ATE his own son, seconds after he was born.
(silence)
Timulus: I won't want to see a picture-
Dad: Here's a picture.
Timulus: But- DAD! LOOK AT THAT! That's messed up, man. Are we really this uncivilized?
Dad: Hey, HEY! If we were so uncivilized would we use communal toilets where we all fart and poo together in one big stinky, steamy, dirty toilet room?
Timulus: YEAD, DAD. WE WOULD!
(scene transitions to the communal toilets where people would fart and poo together in one big stinky, steamy, dirty toilet room)
Dad: Clean your butt with the sponge, Timulus.
Timulus: But all these guys just used it.
Random Roman: What's wrong with your son, bro?
Timulus: I don't wanna be Roman. This is so weird!
Dad: YOU'RE WEIRD! Ugh- Sorry, you're not weird. I'm sure you're... probably fine. *wipes the dirty sponge on Timulus' face* Huh?
(silence)
*Timulus screams*
*intro plays*
=== Background of Rome and Carthage (3:16) ===
OverSimplified: The Roman Republic, the nation that, since its foundation, had been stabbing necks all the way down the Italian peninsula. But this isn't the famous Roman Empire that ruled the known world. Not yet, anyway. This is relatively juvenile Rome, still just a regional power. In 264 BC, the big daddy of the Western Mediterranean was Carthage. Lets rewind a bit.
*rewinds back to 814 BC*
OverSimplified: Carthage was founded in 814 BC when some Phoenicians in Tyre had a mega surplus of good and decided to export those goods across the Mediterranean. They became the dominant trading power in the region and to support their growing trading network, the Phoenicians established a number of colonies, one of which, was Carthage. Therefore, Carthage began its life as a Phoenician trade colony and the Carthaginians were actually Phoenicians, or if you were a Lain speaking Roman, they were Punic, hence the name of the video.
You: Ohhhhhhh!
OverSimplified: Over the centuries, Carthage gradually expanded and became the region's base of power. Just like Rome, Carthage was a semi-democratic Republic with its own Senate and Judiciary. But there were also some pretty hefty differences between the two. While Rome was big into farming and stabbing people in the necks, the Carthaginians, on the other hand just like their Phoenician forefathers, had built their power through trade and navigating through the seas. They went here, and there, selling ivory tusks, gold, and slaves. And as a result, they, were, rolling in it. Whenever they weren't busy swimming around in their copious hoards of money, in their spare time, they also possibly enjoyed sacrificing their children to Ba'al, the God of... let me just check my notes..... ah, yes, plant fertility.
Carthaginian farmer: Oh boy, these figs are looking too hot. Maybe if I throw my son into a burning pit of fire they'll grow!
Farmer's Son: Have you tried watering them, dad?
Carthaginian farmer: Hmm. No, we'll try that second.
OverSimplified: As a result of all their trading, Carthage had emerged as one of the Mediterranean superpowers. "But wait," they said. "Rome? What the heck is that?" Well, I know it's a pretty obscure little country that you've probably never heard of, but this spunky young nation was about to upset the entire region's balance of power. Initially, the two sites enjoyed relatively friendly relations and it even signed a couple of treaties. But it was a relationship that was practically destined to turn sour. See, Rome had a thing where they liked to aggressively expand their boundaries, often viewing such expansion as a defensive act. Kind of like when you kill your neighbor, because you knew eventually, they would've tried to kill you first. Meanwhile, Carthage was extremely protective of its wealthy trade network. So if you put a very strategically important island between them, well, tw plus two equals WAR.
Tensions rose and the two sides began viewing each other with increasing distain. The hardworking Romans looked across the water at the money-hungry Carthaginians and said,
Romans: Look at those dishonest crooks. Bet they've never done an honest day's work in their lives!
OverSimplified: And the Carthaginians looked back and said,
Carthaginian A: Look at those simple-minded brutes. Bet they've never sacrificed a baby in their lives!
Carthaginian B: Yeah. *claps*
W.I.P
=== First Few Years (12:10) ===
TBA
=== Sponsorship - NordVPN (15:57) ===
TBA
=== Naval Battles (17:32) ===
TBA
=== Invasion on North African Soil (21:56) ===
TBA
== Part 2 ==
=== Carthage's Weakness on Land (0:03) ===
TBA
=== Sponsorship - War Thunder (3:43) ===
TBA
=== Regulus' Final Battle (5:50) ===
TBA
=== Sicily and the Mediterranean Storms (9:56) ===
TBA
=== Final Years of the First Punic War (15:32) ===
TBA
=== Treaty of Lutatius (18:35) ===
TBA