Episode 208: Steve Martin/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 208: Steve Martin.
==Cold open==
 	The guest star's dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter 	Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Mr. Martin!
Steve Martin	Thank you, Scooter. I'm almost ready.
 	Steve, wearing a gag arrow through the head, jumps up and down growling with his fingers in his mouth.
 	
Scooter 	Say, you're gonna feel right at home around here.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf	I liked the old opening better.
 	
 	Green smoke billows out of Gonzo's trumpet with a long squeak.
Gonzo 	Green smoke!
==No show?!==
 	Kermit enters the main stage to applause.
Kermit 	Uh, thank you. Thank you and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show. Listen, I really feel bad about this, but I have a special announcement.
Waldorf	Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.
Statler	Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled.
Kermit 	Uh, tonight's show has been cancelled.
Statler	Have I died and gone to heaven?
Kermit 	Well, you see, I just realized I misread my calendar. Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight. You can all stay and watch the auditions, but of course I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting.
Waldorf	When has there ever been? (laughs with Statler)
Kermit 	OK, you two, take the night off! Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
 	The audience grumbles as they get up and leave.
Kermit 	I'll just go out into the house and... Good grief, it's Steve Martin.
 	Mild applause as Steve joins Kermit onstage, wearing a bathrobe and shower cap.
 	
Steve 	Yeah it is, Kermit. How's it going, little fella?
Kermit 	Uh... uh... well, fine. Just fine, Steve.
Steve 	Say, I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number and I heard this rumor that the show had been cancelled.
Kermit 	Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight.
Steve 	Oh, OK, fine. Hey you know, I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show. No problem.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, I'm very sorry about that, really.
Steve 	Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready, and, you know, I feel like some kind of sap back there, putting these clothes on for the big number. And no one bothers to come back and say, "Hey, Steve, the show has been canceled." What am I around here, nothing?!
Kermit 	Steve, I don't know what to say.
Steve 	Well, I do. Excuuuse me!
 	Steve stuffs his shower cap on Kermit's head and leaves.
Kermit 	Um... Well, um, let's get the auditions going, shall we?
 	Kermit trips off the stage.
Waldorf	Well, should we stay or go?
Statler	I feel the same as I do every week. I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it. Hmpf!
Waldorf	The tickets are free.
Statler	Oh. Yes, uh, well, and overpriced at that too.
==First act==
 	The audience clears out as Kermit takes a seat in the front row of the house.
Kermit 	OK. Uh... (clears throat) OK. If we can get things started here now.
 	Fozzie, Floyd, and Gonzo take seats behind him.
Fozzie 	Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit 	Hm?
Fozzie 	Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts, you mean new acts, don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements?
 	
Kermit 	Well, I don't really know, Fozzie. I just thought maybe we could use some new blood. (leaves)
Fozzie 	Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed?
 	
Kermit 	OK, Scooter, what's the first act?
Scooter	Oh, we got some really great talent lined up, boss. First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.
Fozzie 	Oh, please don't let them be funny.
 	
 	The first act is The Lautrec Sisters, a group of dancing rats doing the "Can-Can."
Rats 	Wee! Wee!
Kermit 	Oh, very good. Nice work, girls.
Fozzie 	He liked the dancing rats? Oh, what chance does a bear have?
==Mary Louise==
Scooter 	Listen, Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one. It's called Mary Louise and Friend.
 	Curtain opens to Mary Louise and a frog.
Mary Louise	Way down upon the Swanee...
Friend 	Ribbit.
Mary Louise	Far, far away...
 	
 	A vaudeville hook yanks Mary Louise offstage.
==Offstage==
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Floyd 	Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show. Don't ask me why the frog canceled.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... chop-chop-chop! (produces meat cleaver, leaves)
Floyd 	(chuckling) Yeah, right on! Now you're talking my language.
==Steve's act==
Kermit 	Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater, please? What's next, Scooter?
Scooter 	Oh, you'll love this, boss. Here he is, Steve Martin!
 	The Muppets applaud Steve as he comes onstage.
Steve 	(takes a bow) Thank you very much. Thank you.
Kermit 	Steve, Steve, you know, you really don't have to perform here, you know.
Steve 	Well, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know.
Kermit 	Yeah, but you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show.
Steve 	Oh, well, uh, maybe I could just, you know, perform for the guys.
 	"The guys" shout their affirmation. "Yeah! OK! Come on!"
Kermit 	OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him. Take it away, Steve. (The Muppets cheer)
Steve 	Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before?
Audience	Yeah!!
Steve 	Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like to repeat.
Audience	(collective groan of disappointment) "Come on, Steve." "Come on." "Please, do it! Do it!" "Come on, Steve, come on!"
Steve 	I don't know what to do now. I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it. I'll tell you what, I'll make a compromise. I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up.
Audience	(impressed) Look at that...
 	Steve folds deflated balloons into a tangle and holds it up to the audience.
Steve 	Giraffe. Well, here we go.
Floyd 	(laughing) Dude got a sense of humor.
Steve 	(blowing up balloons) See how I fill up the balloons with words, and if they pop they go, (high-pitched) "gosh darn it!" (blows a balloon in a curlicue) It's not easy to get that air to curl up inside your lungs like that. And now, fun balloon animals! Here we go!
 	Steve works frantically with the balloons and the audience is impressed.
Audience	Oh yeah, look at him go, look at him go!
Steve 	Scooter, more balloons, Scooter!
 	Scooter rushes onstage to deliver balloons.
Scooter 	Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Here you go, sir!
Steve 	Thank you!
Scooter 	OK! (exits)
Steve 	Blow up some more, just in case!
Scooter 	Yes sir!
Steve 	(Continues wrestling with the balloons. One of them pops.) Ohh, (high-pitched) gosh darn it!
Audience	(laughs) Oh really... wow...
 	Steve proudly holds up his mess of balloons.
Steve 	Puppy dog!
Rowlf 	I love that one. It's so cute.
Steve 	Thank you very much. OK, um... Well, just...
 	Steve looks for a place to set down his balloon creation, and puts it on his head.
 	
Steve 	Hey, I'm complete. You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich or something." Well, actually, I get the balloons for free. I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steal them from the nests. What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid. And it's easy to trick them. I'll go, "Look at that inner tube." And they go, (dopey voice) "Where? Gosh." (normal) And I load up my pockets. Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb and they wouldn't...
 	A grumbling sound gets louder and louder. A giant balloon roars and attacks Steve from above.
Steve 	Ahhh! It's out of control!
 	Steve, on the balloon, flies out of frame.
Kermit 	Well, it is a different sort of an act.
 	Crash! Steve, disheveled, emerges from behind the curtain.
Steve 	Hey, you missed my big finish! I didn't even use a net.
Gonzo 	You were terrific! You should make that into a feature film.
==Terry Louise==
Kermit 	Can we get on with the auditions?
Scooter 	Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend.
 	Curtains open to the same girl and frog duo.
 	
Terry Louise	Tie a yellow...
Friend 	Ribbit.
Terry Louise	...round the old oak tree...
 	Terry Louise is jerked offstage by a hook yet again.
==Baskerville 's comedy act==
Scooter 	Yeah... Uh, next we have one of the world's greatest comics, Baskerville the Hound.
 	Enter Baskerville, to Fozzie's theme music and in Fozzie's attire.
 	
Baskerville	Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time! You know what they call a dirty dog? A mud poodle! Ahhh! I am so funny! Did you hear the...?
 	Fozzie pushes Baskerville offstage with a hook.
Fozzie 	Next.
==Offstage==
Kermit 	Hey, hey, come on, Fozzie. You're taking all this too personally.
 	Fozzie joins Kermit in the audience.
Fozzie 	(unconvinced) Ohh...
Kermit 	Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in your field are doing. It's an enriching experience.
Fozzie 	Yeah...
Kermit 	Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter	Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. He's an emcee.
Kermit 	What the hey?
 	
==Lenny the Lizard==
 	Enter Lenny, flailing his arms.
 	
Lenny the Lizard	Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show! Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and amazingly talented me. Plus other good things--
Kermit 	Next!
Fozzie 	(smug) It was really interesting to see how another emcee works.
Kermit 	Oh, cool it.
Fozzie 	Yeah, you really must feel enriched, Kermit.
Kermit 	Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
 	Fozzie grabs his hook and leaves, laughing.
Scooter 	On to the next act, chief?
Kermit 	Uh, yes, I'd love to.
Scooter 	I should think so. Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane. Here they are, the Four Fazoobs.
==The Fazoobs==
 	
 	The Fazoobs perform an unusual musical number using themselves as the instruments.
Kermit	Eesh, things are looking a little weird. OK, let's take a break, everybody.
==UK spot==
Kermit 	Let's see what we have so far. We had the dancing rats... We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise...
 	Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit. (tapping him)
Kermit 	Not now, Gonzo. We had the, uh, Fazoobs... The Fazoobs.
Gonzo 	Kermit! (tapping Kermit more urgently)
Kermit 	Uh, what is it, Gonzo?
Gonzo 	I've got this great new act for you.
Kermit 	Not now, Gonzo. You see, right now I'm in the middle of auditions.
Gonzo 	Okay, we'll audition!
Kermit 	I've seen your acts, Gonzo, you see, I don't want to see any more of them, thank you. Okay? I'll talk to you later, all right? All right? All right? (shouting) Scooter? Who's next, Scooter?
Gonzo 	Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act.
Kermit 	No. Scooter!
Gonzo 	I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Kermit 	I won't listen.
Gonzo 	Dancing cheese.
Kermit 	(beat) Dancing cheese?
Gonzo 	(sing-song) You were listening!
Kermit 	Will somebody find Scooter?!
Gonzo 	Aw, Kermit, she's a great dancer.
Kermit 	She? It's a female cheese?
Gonzo 	Of course it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no I...
Gonzo 	That would look weird!
Kermit 	Yes, yes. I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo. Okay. You say you dance with her?
Gonzo 	You're getting interested, aren't ya?
Kermit 	No, I'm just killing time until Scooter gets here.
Gonzo 	Oh. Well, anyway, she's featured.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Gonzo 	We do a flamenco.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Gonzo 	I just click my heels a little. The cheese does the fancy steps.
Kermit 	The cheese does the fancy steps, huh? Uh, Gonzo, I don't think I want to hear any more about it.
Gonzo 	But Scooter's not here yet!
Kermit 	Uh, I don't care. Oh, here he comes now. Oh, Scooter!
Gonzo 	Just remember it! (leaves)
Kermit 	Yeah. Sure.
Scooter	Yes, chief?
Kermit 	Scooter, who you got next, huh?
Scooter	Oh, uh... Gonzales and Yolanda.
 	Curtains open on Gonzo and his dancing cheese, who dance to flamenco music.
 	
Gonzo 	¡Arriba! ¡Olé! ¡El toro! ¡Enchilada! Dance, you little firebrand! Dance, dance! ¡Tortilla! ¡Burrito! ¡San Diego! Show 'em what gorgonzola can do. Cha-cha-cha!
Kermit 	Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts for the rest of the evening.
==Carrie Louise==
Scooter 	Here's the first one: Carrie Louise and Friend.
 	Once more, the curtains open on the girl and the frog.
Carrie Louise	(clears throat nervously) Old man...
Friend 	Ribbit.
 	Carrie Louise is pulled offstage yet again by a vaudeville stage hook.
Carrie Louise	(yelps)
 	
 	Backstage, the saboteur of Carrie Louise's act is revealed to be Miss Piggy.
 	
Miss Piggy 	I keep telling you, I'm the girl singer on this show. Move it. Move it!
=="Ramblin' Guy"==
Kermit 	OK, nothing too different so far. Hey, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there.
Scooter	How 'bout this one, Kermit? He's a ramblin' guy.
 	Curtains open on Steve Martin with a banjo. The Muppet audience cheers.
Steve 	OK, let's not waste any more time. Let's go! How much was it to get in?
Fozzie 	Free.
 	
Steve 	
OK, you're gonna get your money's worth on this. (Steve plays a tune on his banjo) Hey, this guy's good. (audience cheers)
(speak-singing) I'm a ramblin' guy.
Well, I'm rambling, rambling 'round
I'm a rambling guy … (whistles a tune)
Free. (audience laughter)
Ramble out to The Muppet Show, oh, yeah
Meet all the Muppets, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes...
Oh, no... Rambling...
Everybody whistle! (All whistling tune)
Alright, in Chinese now. (Singing in mock-Chinese)
When I'm rambling, rambling rambling, rambling, rambling
Raaa-uuu-ummm... blinggg!
 	Muppets cheer, curtains close.
=="The Varsity Drag "==
Kermit 	Way to go, Steve! That's good stuff.
 	Sam enters and the rest of the audience disperses.
Sam 	Kermit, I am appalled.
Kermit 	Hm?
Sam 	Don't we have some good old-fashioned entertainment?
 	Enter Scooter.
Kermit 	Scooter?
Scooter 	I can only vouch for the "old" part.
Kermit 	Who you got?
Scooter 	Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit 	What?
 	Curtains open to full-bodied, dancing Statler and Waldorf.
Statler and Waldorf	
Here is the drag, see how it goes,
Down on the heels, up on the toes,
That's the way to do the Varsity Drag!
 	200px
Statler 	Hotter than hot
Waldorf 	Newer than new
Statler 	Meaner than mean
Waldorf 	Bluer than blue
Both 	Gets as much applause as waving the flag!
Statler 	Take it! (Waldorf dances)
 	
 	Fozzie is heckling from their box.
Fozzie 	Boo, boo! Get off the stage!
Waldorf 	Take it, Statler! (solo from Statler)
Fozzie 	They're terrible, aren't they?
Statler and Waldorf	
Everybody do the Varsity…Everybody do the Varsity Drag!
 	They fall on each other.
Statler 	Watch it, you old fool! (laughs)
 	
Sam 	Yes, here, here! Oh, wholesome. Wonderful!
Kermit 	I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam.
Sam 	Oh Kermit, it was good old-fashioned entertainment.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Sam 	With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner and becomes a normal, decent, moral program.
Kermit 	Well, I'm pleased, Sam.
Sam 	Hmm... What's next?
Scooter 	Uh, Marvin Suggs and His All-Food Glee Club.
Sam 	For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunnel. (facepalms)
=="Yes, We Have No Bananas "==
 	Curtains open, Marvin Suggs whirls onstage.
Marvin Suggs	Olé! Gracias! Thank you and gracias! Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs. And now, presenting my singing food!
 	
 	Food enters, harmonizing a capella as Marvin conducts.
Food 	
Yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today (bananas today...)
We've stringbeans, and onion
Cabbages, and scallions,
And all kinds of fruit and say...
 	The music kicks and tempo picks up.
Food 	
We have an old-fashioned to-mah-to
A nice juicy po-tah-to
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today!
Marvin 	Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage?
Cabbage 	Oh, getting ahead!
Marvin 	How's the artichoke?
Artichoke 	Singing my heart out!
Marvin 	Oh, what is wrong, asparagus?
Asparagus 	I feel naked without my Hollandaise.
Marvin 	Come on, tomato, you're slow!
Tomato 	I'll ketchup.
Food 	
And yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas,
We said no bananas,
We have no bananas today!
 	Applause. Marvin bows, curtains close.
Floyd 	Hey, Kermit, my main frog.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Floyd 	You planning to book that last act?
Kermit 	I doubt it.
Floyd 	Oh, fantastic. We'll take it.
Kermit 	Are you putting together a show?
Floyd 	No, a dinner!
Animal 	Yeah, soprano looked delicious!
==Steve juggles==
Scooter 	OK, chief. Next up is a guy you'll love. Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy.
 	Curtains open for Steve. The Muppets cheer. "Yeah! Yeah!"
Steve 	And now... And now it's time for a little juggling.
Muppets 	Whoo! Oh yeah.
Steve 	Okay, first of all, I start with the easy stuff. First of all I juggle one. (tosses an orange up and down) Now, two. (juggles two in one hand) Now, three. (moves the third orange up and down in conjunction with the juggled oranges)
 	
 	The Muppets react accordingly, impressed or laughing.
Steve 	(juggling all three oranges) Under the leg. (tosses an orange behind him and catches it) Now, Fozzie, can you catch this?
Fozzie 	Yes.
 	Steve tosses him an orange.
Steve 	OK. Take it, toss it up in midair, OK?
Fozzie 	OK!
 	Fozzie tosses the orange on to the stage floor. Someone in the audience says "good throw, yeah." Steve goes to pick it up and a "squish" is heard.
Steve 	Oh no! (Holds up squashed orange) I've killed it! (Muppets laugh) Eugh... (groaning)
 	Enter the Swedish Chef, holding a juicer.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock-Swedish) ...juicy-wuicy woo. Ya?
 	Steve and the Chef exit together, both speaking mock-Swedish.
==The Flying Zucchini Brothers==
Kermit 	Okay, very funny, very funny!
Fozzie 	Kermit, when you say "very funny," do you mean...?
Kermit 	Fozzie, listen, don't worry about it. Nobody is gonna lose their job.
Fozzie 	Ah! Oh, that's terrific.
Scooter 	Excuse me, Kermit. I got one last act back here. It's a human cannonball act, the Zucchini Brothers.
 	Curtains open, Zucchini Brothers take the stage.
Zucchini Brothers	Hey! Hey!
 	A Zucchini Brother is loaded into the cannon, protesting in mock-Italian.
Zucchini Brothers	Hey, get-a the booma-booma. Hey! Hey! Push-a, push, push-a.
 	A Zucchini Brother lights the fuse.
Zucchini Brothers	Lighta the booma-booma. Hey, hey!
 	They aim the cannon and wait for it to fire...
 	
Zucchini Brothers	Hey! No booma-booma. No booma-booma! Dud! Dud!
 	They leave the stage and the unfired cannon. Curtains close.
=="Dueling Banjos "==
Kermit 	Cut! Is that it, Scooter?
 	Explosion! The cannon fires the Zucchini Brother into the wall beside Statler and Waldorf's box.
Kermit 	Well, that's it. It's all over. What a night. Mm.
 	Enter Steve Martin with his banjo.
Steve 	Does that mean we can all go home?
Kermit 	Yeah, it sure does, Steve. Listen, I hope you're not mad that we canceled the show.
Steve 	Oh, no, just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the number I'd rehearsed with your jug band.
Kermit 	I didn't know you'd rehearsed a number.
Steve 	Oh, it was gonna be good, but no problem. Don't worry.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it.
Steve 	I knew he'd fall for it. Come on in, guys!
 	Lubbock Lou and the Jughuggers enter, "yee-haw"-ing.
Steve 	It goes a little bit like this.
 	
 	Steve and the jugband play "Dueling Banjos," briefly accompanied by the Fazoobs and the All Food Glee Club. Gramps plays a fiddle solo.
Jughugger 	Ooh, get it, Gramps!
 	Near the end, the Zucchini Brothers light up their cannon again. Steve plays nervously.
Zucchini Brother	Hey, it's another dud-a!
 	The gang finishes their song triumphantly, and the cannon goes off. The Zucchini Brother whizzes out the stage door.
 	All laughing and applauding.
Kermit 	Great ending, great ending! Very nice!
==Goodnights==
 	
Kermit 	Well, you know, this is the time when I usually say the show is over. But it seems kind of silly since the show never actually begun. But if it had begun, I'd be saying, let's have a special thanks for Mr. Steve Martin!
Muppets	(cheering)
Steve 	I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show tonight.
Kermit 	And if there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Steve plays the theme song on his banjo as the credits roll.
Statler	Well, that was different.
Waldorf	Yep, lousy...
Both 	But different! (laugh)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts