National Lampoon's Barely Legal/Transcript

DEACON: In high school,
everyone's got that one magic moment,
when all the fears and insecurities
of being a teenager just vanish,
and you're on top of the world.
It's like the planets
have aligned or something,
and everything you touch
just turns to gold.
And then, there's this other moment.
[]
MAN:
Get in there.
Follow those plans.
That's right.
[BOYS SOBBING]
I'll never touch
myself again,
I swear!
It's all a big...
Please, no!
Mommy! Mommy!
No!
Oh! Oh, God.
Please don't kill us,
Mr. Porno Man!
Relax.
[BOYS SOBBING]
We ain't gonna kill youse.
Huh? Oh.
We're gonna cut off your balls.
This was unfortunate on two levels.
One, no one wants to get
their balls cut off.
And two, we hadn't even had
the chance to use 'em yet.
Well, socially, I mean.
[]
High school is about
being able to make mistakes.
And when you're 17,
you screw up a lot.
But that's okay,
seeing as people expect it.
I mean, 99 times out of 100
they give you a free pass.
Well, this story
is about number 100.
[GIRL MOANING & SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]
Let me go back to the beginning.
Now, it all started
around my 17th birthday,
with our usual morning routine,
film appreciation.
Now, when I say
"film appreciation,"
I mean "film duplication."
You see, Fred borrows them
from his job at the video store,
then Matt makes copies of them at school,
and I market them to needy freshmen.
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
Oh, my God. It's so big!
[MAN HOWLS]
Oh, Christ!
It's totally unwatchable.
MATT:
This is really shoddy work.
And jeez, look,
the boom mike is in the shot.
[THUMP]
What the fuck?!
Why do they always show
the guy's face?
FRED:
They're trying to make us feel
like we're better looking,
so we should be able to get chicks as hot.
How the hell do you know?
It's a basic rule of porno.
[BELL RINGS]
Let's get outta here.
All right, now. Dirty Darla
No. 7 is a modern classic.
This is grade-A porn, my friend.
Worth a lot more than $20.
Sweet!
DEACON:
Matt's an aspiring filmmaker.
At the moment,
he's a little underappreciated,
and he gets pushed around a lot,
especially in gym class.
But he's still trying to develop
his personal visual style.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
GIRL:
My razor!
GIRL 2:
Sarah, I can see your panties!
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
GIRL 3:
Oh, my God!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER & LAUGHTER]
GIRL 3:
Oh, my God. It's that guy at the door again!
Ugh, busted.
Now, you could say that Fred's problem
is that he can't get up
the nerve to talk to girls.
[IN SULTRY VOICE]:
That test was so hard.
Now, personally I think it's
just a self-confidence issue.
One that he's working on very hard.
Five, six, seven,
eight times a day.
[SQUIRTING NOISE]
[WHISPERS]:
Oh, yeah.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
Ye-- Aamahh!
Yeah.
That's me, Deacon Lewis.
Now, to understand why I led us
down the wrong road
you have to imagine what it's like
to be a 17-year-old guy
with only one on your mind,
all day, every day
But to have absolutely
no way of getting it.
We're all sitting here that your parents
have signed your permission slips
to attend my sexual education course.
I think we will begin
with hormones.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
STUDENT:
Hey, where'd they get a picture of me?
TEACHER:
I can see by your tittering...
[WHISPERS]
You hear about Rachael?
No, what happened?
TEACHER:
That a lot of you are uncomfortable...
STUDENT 1:
John Baldwin nailed her.
...with the male organ,
the penis.
Are you talking about Rachael Unger?
Uh, yeah.
It was at Richard Rosenblatt's
party on the weekend.
I, uh, was in the bathroom.
[SNICKERING]
TEACHER:
The other half of you have a vagina.
Mr. Lewis.
Would you like to join us?
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
Thank you.
Back to the breast.
I absolutely refuse to believe it.
Rachel told me she wasn't
ready, but she did it.
With him!
Look at her face.
I was fed up with losing out.
And something had to be done.
[]
See that?
Can I get a ride?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, let's go!
That should be us.
That's not gonna be us.
This year, next year,
or any year. Ever.
Why not? Think about it,
all you gotta do
is follow the simple lessons
of Tony Montana in Scarface.
Oh, good movie.
"First you get the money.
BOTH [IN TONY MONTANA VOICE]:
"Then you get the power.
"And then you get the women."
BOTH:
Word.
So we're gonna become Cuban drug lords?
The porno pirating operation
is bringing in plenty of money.
And then once I get my new car for my birthday tonight,
we'll have the power to go wherever we want.
And then there's nothing stopping us
from gettin' the girls.
[CAR ENGINE]
Bye, sphincter.
Know what?
Nothing's gonna change, Deacon.
You're still gonna be the kid
who shit his pants in fifth grade.
And no one will ever let you forget it.
It was a stomach virus, asshole.
FAMILY:
Happy birthday!
[]
MR. LEWIS:
It's that new computer system
you've been talking about for months.
Art! Why did I wrap it?
Sorry, honey.
I got excited.
MRS. LEWIS:
Don't you like it, honey?
Yes, I-I do, I do.
I-- It's just...
I'll take it.
-Max!
-We can take it back if it's not right one.
No, Dad.
No, no.
It's-- I-- I don't know.
I--
I guess I just thought
you guys were buying me that car I wanted.
MRS. LEWIS:
Car? Why do you need a car?
Son, you don't need a car.
You can borrow the minivan any time you want.
Right.
[]
Tom Cooperman's parties were legendary.
But in the five, six years
he was at our high school,
he never invited us once.
Coop, what's goin' on, man?
Can we come in?
Ah, no, actually.
We're having a sance, man.
And everybody likes to keep it really chillin'.
If you don't believe in the dark
powers then you can't come in.
Wait a second, man.
What?
It's my birthday today.
So cut me a little slack, all right?
[LAUGHS]
It's your birthday?
You guys,
my best friends are here.
[ALL SCREAM]
Come on, man!
Hot babe.
Whoo!
Hey, Stephen, lookin' good
in that grey sweater, man.
Thank you.
Doin' a great job, boys.
Look what I have.
Look at that dude.
I fuckin' hate him.
All right.
Have a good time, man.
All right.
And, uh, wear a rubber, dude.
MAN:
Like he'd know what to do with a rubber.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
It's Naomi.
Yeah, she looks good.
FRED:
Oh, no.
Beer foam moustache.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
[SPITS]
What have I got to lose?
Jesus, Fred.
Your dignity, God!
FRED:
Don't talk to her.
Please.
DEACON:
Naomi.
Hey, Deacon.
Hey, um, where's Jake?
Like I care.
You mean, you're not
going out with him anymore?
Duh.
Freakon! Hey!
What's up,
Naomi?
Ed.
Come on, Naomi.
I'm goin' to the pool.
Talking to Deacon.
[LAUGHS]
Whatever.
-Whatever.
-Whatever.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Asshole.
Whatever.
FRED:
Do you realize how long it's going to take
to save up for a car selling pornos at $20 each?
What?
There's a small problem.
What?
I got fired yesterday.
[LAUGHS]
All right, Russ caught me and went berserk.
It was-- It was crazy.
It was like some sort of sting operation
he'd been planning for months.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you're kidding me. Tell me you kidding me, Fred.
I'm not kidding you.
And now I gotta work twice a week
at my dad's office, he's so pissed.
See! See, I told you
this Scarface plan was stupid.
This is great!
So now not only do we have no car, no girls,
we also go no money.
-And no porn.
-Shit.
Tony Montana would be pissed.
COMPUTER:
Stop right there.
Stop right there.
Stop right there.
Not for monkey boys.
FRED:
Goddamn it.
Your dad really knows his firewalls.
[DOOR OPENS]
Ahh!
Hey, asshole. Don't just come barging in here.
We could've been naked.
Whoa.
DEACON:
Shut up and listen to me.
I figured out a way to get back
on the Tony Montana track.
So I'm at the zoo today...
[CHIMPANZEE CHEEPING]
MS. ARIEL:
People, people.
Witness the miracle of nature
at its most primal.
And these monkeys are doing it.
They're going insane.
And Ms. Ariel is videotaping it.
MS. ARIEL:
...of his engorged penis.
The male deposits his seed...
[GRUNTING]
...and moves on.
Probably to a younger...
more desirable female.
One who doesn't
have any issues.
Whatever that means.
That's when it hit me.
Incoming!
[SCREAMS]
Well, Roger, actually.
Little help?
What?
Let's make one.
-One what?
-A movie.
Oh, that's great,
that's perfect.
I've already got an idea for, like,
a sci-fi horror kinda thing.
-It's like The Jetsons meets The Shining--
-No, you moron.
A porno movie.
Oh, even better.
Yeah, and here's the best part.
I got an angle.
What kind of angle?
We can make pornos that cater
to guys like us.
You mean virgins?
Exactly.
Adult films made by virgins for virgins.
Well, here's a question.
Uh, how are we going to get
the women to star in the film?
And the guys.
That's simple.
We'll surf the Net or something.
We can figure that out.
And then...
[LAUGHS]
What's so funny?
It was too much, man.
I couldn't--
Oh, you're funny.
I'm serious about this.
We can't make a...porno.
Deacon, do you have any idea
how much trouble we would get in?
Do you have any idea
how much money we'd make?
Like how much?
How much?!
Enough to buy a car.
Enough to get more camera shit.
Enough to take out girls.
Enough to do whatever the hell we want.
Well, what about the moral implications?
It's a free-market transaction
between two consenting adults.
What's the problem?
Uh, hello?
We're not adults.
He's got a point, Deacon.
You just don't get it, do you?
If we make this movie,
this year could be the best year of our lives.
We go in boys, and we come out men.
But you know what?
You two losers would rather
sit back and play it safe.
Well, I'm not waiting on you, man.
I'm not wasting another minute.
I'm making this movie,
with or without you.
And when I show up at school
in my new set of wheels,
you know what I'm gonna have to say?
Sorry, guys.
That ship has sailed.
You blew it.
That was a great speech, Deacon.
Thanks, man.
Did you work that out before?
No, man.
Okay, so let's say that we were
actually going to do this.
What would we call our company?
Oh, I know.
After School Special.
[]
DARLA:
Hey, Vic.
Hey, Darla.
How you doin'?
Ready for Number Eight?
Sure, just give me a couple of minutes.
It was great, Vic, huh?
Some good action.
Nice arc there at the end.
Thank you very much, Mikey.
MIKE:
No problem.
Hey buddy, let me ask you something.
I want you to be completely honest with me.
Sure, Vic.
You think I'm too fat?
Are you kidding?
-I mean, I know I've put on a few pounds recently--
-Vic, the camera loves you.
Seriously?
Absolutely.
[LAUGHS]
Hey. Thanks, buddy.
[BOTH WHISTLE]
All right.
Thank you, seriously.
-Sure.
-I needed it.
WOMAN [OVER INTERCOM]:
Dr. Jablowma.
Dr. Heywood Jablowma.
Please report to the emergency room.
Dr. Heywood Jablowma to the emergency room.
We need two forms of ID
to prove she's over 18.
Okay, how much money do we need?
A first-time porno actress
makes only 250 to 500 bucks.
That's it?
Does that include the sex?
[MOUTHS]
Shut up!
DEACON:
Yes, Matt.
We're not supposed to have sex
with these women, are we?
DEACON:
No, Matt.
Fred, take these urine samples
down to the lab.
Okay, in a minute.
We also need an adult signature
to set up the bank account and website.
Let's use
Principal Taggart's name.
Oh, my God. You're a genius.
That'll never come back to haunt us.
Then whose name
are we gonna use, huh?
I'm Ronald Greitzer,
here for my 4:00 appointment.
WIFE:
He's got a rectal exam.
It's worse when he sleeps.
You know, he does a lot of night scratching.
I try to prevent it.
I try to prevent it.
Go get your stool jar.
I'll be over here.
Huh?
-No.
-Why not?
It's perfect. My dad's got
Mr. Greitzer's signature,
his credit card number,
his Social Security number.
And he'll never find out?
It's not like we're sending him
our annual report.
It'll be like an official name
of record or something.
WOMAN:
Code blue. Crash cart to the specimen room.
Greitzer it is, then.
And...we need porno names.
What do you mean?
It's a basic rule of porno.
All people affiliated with
the production of an adult film
have porno names so their
friends don't recognize them.
-Oh, you mean like, Johnny Hardmember?
-Exactly.
Hey, that's a good one.
I'll be Balls McLongcock.
You guys are dorks.
Those names are for the actors.
Heh. You're just jealous
'cause you don't have a cool porno name like us.
Exactly.
All right, fine.
Then I'm Sam...
Slam.
Yeah.
Sam Slam, the backdoor man.
-That name sucks.
-You don't get it, do you?
A porno name needs to be
a very subtle thing!
[SQUISHING]
Sorry, Balls.
I guess I'm a little new at this.
Yeah, and you're funny too.
MATT:
I say we make him from Hawaii.
Do you know what a Hawaiian
driver's license looks like?
-No.
-Exactly.
Won't it seem a little suspicious?
Like, why are we in Cleveland?
DEACON:
Vacation.
People from Cleveland vacation in Hawaii.
Where do you think people from Hawaii go?
MATT:
Aloha.
DEACON:
Mahalo.
Dad.
Uh, Mom. Can I use the car?
Uh, Deacon, I have to go
to the video store later.
I'm sorry.
Mom, you said I could use
the car, but it's never free.
Okay, Deacon, I'll walk to the video store.
Where you guys going?
Out.
How come you boys are dressed like Don Ho?
Because, Mr. Lewis, this is the new style.
Yeah, for ass wranglers.
Max.
[LAUGHS]
Ass wranglers.
All right, boys, let the wrangling begin.
Are we really gonna do this?
Oh, yeah.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING]
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
Here we go
Well on to the next stop
Bouncin' to the town hop
[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Keepin' it in good hands
Takin' it to all the lands
And tradin' it for gold
All ya brothers
And sisters...
IDs.
Oh, Richard Runningbear from Hawaii.
Okay, well, have a good time, guys.
Oh, and, hey, guys?
That's a nice lamination job.
Oh, thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT]
You don't understand.
We have to get into
this strip club tonight.
Next two years of high school
totally depend on it.
We've got cash.
Have a good time, guys.
[SUPREME BEINGS OF PLEASURE'S
"STRANGELOVE ADDICTION" PLAYS]
[EXPLOSIONS]
I must resist
The thought you kissed
The truth
You somehow turned around
I must resist
Hey! What'll you boys have?
Two-drink minimum.
I'll have a Scotch,
straight up on the rocks.
Uh,
I'll have a 7 and 7.
Uh, same for me.
Thank you.
What the hell is a 7 and 7?
I have no idea.
But I heard the guy over there order one
and I like the way it sounds.
Numerical.
This constant condition
My strange Strange love addiction
Strange Strange love addiction
Strange Strange love addiction
Strange Strange love addiction
Strange Strange love addiction
Do you want a dance?
Uh, no, thank you.
I need to go to the bathroom.
How 'bout you buy me a drink?
Okay.
Seven and 7.
Want mine?
What brings you boys to the Pretty Kitty?
Well, actually, uh, we're filmmakers
and we're here looking for new talent.
Really?
Really.
You interested or what?
No.
But I do know someone who is.
Yeah...
Hi, I'm Ashley.
You guys the filmmakers?
Videographers, actually.
I wanted to shoot on film,
but these guys wouldn't let me!
All right, here's the deal.
We're paying top dollar here, okay?
Hetero only, no anal.
And we'll be distributing
through our website. So...
Aren't you a little young?
Uh...
Er, no.
Well, aren't you,
is the question I have to ask.
I mean, we will need two forms of ID
to prove that you're over 18, so...
I'm 18.
Then you're hired.
Shouldn't we audition her first?
Shut up, Matt.
ANNOUNCER:
She's everybody's favorite naughty schoolgirl.
Give it up for Ashley!
[EVE EDENHURST'S "LOLLIPOP" PLAYS]
Bad boy, he drives me crazy
Keeps we warm
When it gets hazy
Tastes so sweet
And it feels all fine
Want my lollipop
All the time
Gimme, gimme my lollipop
Once I start
It's hard to stop
Candy-coated
With sugar on top
Gimme, gimme my lollipop
Yeah
Yeah
Gimme, gimme my lollipop
Yeah
[GIRLS WHOOPING]
[VOMITING NOISES]
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
FRED:
Ashley, we love you...
Look, this is my picture
and this is my number.
When you're sober, call me, okay?
Bye.
Sphincter?
MIKE:
And...cut!
Okay, people. Reset and we'll
go again right away.
MAN:
Nobody step in the lube.
Mike, I need to talk to you.
Okay, five minutes
and we'll go again right away.
I hear someone's been muscling
in on our territory.
Yeah, I heard that.
They're recruitin' new talent.
Jimmy Rimmer says they're from Hawaii.
Hawaii?
Why would someone from Hawaii
wanna come to Cleveland?
I don't know. Vacation?
It's Cleveland.
Look out the window.
Hey. There's the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
What is this, F with Vic month?
If these goddamn amateur yabos
try to muscle in
on my territory, I swear to God.
I'm gonna go off.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who you gonna shoot?
I don't know.
Everybody, nobody. I don't know.
Calm down, Vic.
Huh?
I don't need you all agitated.
You've still got,
uh, five films to star in today.
You're right.
Yeah, course I'm right.
Don't worry about it, okay?
We'll find these guys
and we'll take care of it.
Good.
Good.
You hungry?
Yeah, I could eat.
-Wanna grab some lunch?
-Sure.
-Good.
-All right.
Let's break for lunch.
Everybody, we're breakin' for lunch!
[FRED AND MATT LAUGHING]
What are you guys doing?
Oh, we came up with a great idea.
We're gonna pre-sell copies
of the video on the website.
Will that work?
I don't know, but it's fun.
FRED: One thing though.
If our motto is "by virgins, for virgins"
maybe we should put, like, a picture or something
of one of us on the website to sort of sell the image.
You're not putting
my picture up there.
Why? You're a virgin.
No, this is a good idea.
But it doesn't necessarily have to be one of... us.
MATT:
I don't know. Do you think he'll be mad?
FRED:
What, are you kidding me?
He looks great.
He'll probably even get laid.
MRS. LEWIS:-Deacon?
-Lucky bastard.
Honey, are you in here?
Off!
Oh, hi, boys.
Look who's here.
Your good friend Jake.
Hi, guys.
Okay, boys,
have a good time.
Bye, Mrs. Lewis.
-Goodbye, Jake.
-Thanks.
-Good to see you. Come again.
-I will, for sure.
What the hell's going on here, sphincter?
What are you doing here?
No, no, no, no. I saw
the strippers drop you guys off.
FRED: Uh, we don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Well then, uh...
Well, then, what's this? Huh?
"'Oh, my God. 'There's a boy at the door
looking at us naked in the shower.'
"The AD Club secretary
lathers all of their gl-- Glis--"
Glistening.
Shut up!
"Glistening bodies.
"First girl: 'I'm so dirty.
'Do me the right way,'
she moans."
What kind of sick shit is this?
Are you guys--?
You guys trying to run
a whorehouse or something?
No.
That is great writing.
Are you crazy?
They're not whores if we film them, idiot.
You retards are trying to make a porno movie?
Hey, you can't prove a thing.
Yeah.
Who's the girl?
MATT:
Uh, she's a stripper.
Her name's Ashley.
Shit.
Who's the guy?
You know,
'cause maybe I could, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Maybe I could do it.
-No, it wouldn't work.
-Why not?
It's harder than it looks.
You need stamina, girth.
What, you don't think
I can do it?
Trust me, the Jake-meister's nailed his.
Look, just... forget it, man. It's--
Listen here, you little fuck.
I wanna do it. All right, and if you don't let me,
then I'm gonna tell your mom
what kind of sick shit you're up to.
Come on.
Oh, Mrs. Lewis!
DEACON:
Okay, fine!
You can do it.
You'll need these.
That's what I thought.
I'll see you on set.
Bye, fucker.
DEACON:
In my basement, after school.
-Go up there.
-I'm not going up there.
Man, she's all alone.
Will one of you guys go over there?
I'm not going up there.
One of you has to give her
the finer points of the scene.
And that person is you. So go.
FRED:
You're wasting time.
FRED:
Oh, man, I'm really nervous.
[CAMCORDER BEEPS, WHIRS]
What's he doing?
So...
I'll be directing.
Okay.
Okay, um...
I want you to play this really understated.
It's a very visceral scene
so it's important not to--
To play it too over the top.
Uh-huh.
Hey, did--? Did you guys shave or something?
Um...
Let's, uh-- Let's roll.
Let's do this.
-Come on, get, uh... Get the boom.
-Get going.
Okay, boom in position.
What?
What?
[WHISPERS]
Get in position.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
It has to be closer.
Get closer.
What are you doing?
You have to get closer.
Don't! Just give it.
What do you want?
-Get closer.
-Come on, man.
Oh!
My mom gave me $30 for this boom
and you just broke it.
MATT:
You're a disgrace.
You make me nervous, man.
Um...
So, Ashley, could you take your position?
Okay.
Are we really gonna do this?
Are we really gonna do this?
Okay, so um...
[CAMCORDER CLICKS]
We're starting with the...
masturbation.
And then, uh, Philip
the yearbook editor is gonna surprise you.
Okay.
Uh...
[CAMCORDER BEEPS]
Okay, um, action.
[SIGHS]
These yearbook photos of the debate club
are just making me so hot.
[SIGHS]
I can't help myself.
[]
Wow.
And you know I--
I hope nobody comes in because I...
I think I forgot to lock the door.
ASHLEY:
Oops.
DEACON [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]:
Camera rear,
-close-up.
-What?
Get a close-up.
Mm.
Yeah. Oh.
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
Oh... Yeah. Oh!
Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh! Yeah!
Oh, God.
Okay, cut.
[QUIETLY]
Okay.
[BOOM CLATTERS]
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, no. You were great.
I think I've got everything I need there, um...
I'm gonna set up for Jake.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
No, you're not, Fred.
Jake, you ready?
DEACON:
Yeah, action.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry.
Please don't tell the principal.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
MATT:
Cut.
That was perfect.
Yeah.
Uh, why don't we move on
to the...sexual material.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT]
And action.
[MATT LAUGHS]
That's it?
Wha--? It's not hard...yet.
Oh, well-- Yeah, I can see that.
[LAUGHING]
Shut up, man.
Shh.
Um, Ashley, maybe you could
help him out a little.
Yeah. Wait, what?
Okay.
[PANTING]
[HOWLS]
[SQUIRTS]
Oh. Oh, God!
I'm not set up for that shot.
God!
Well, that's just not right.
Can I put the boom down now?
-I'm sorry.
-That's disgusting.
I never do this.
I-- I-- I never do this.
She-- She got me too excited.
What?
I got a problem, okay?
Okay, is that what you guys wanna hear, huh?
That I got a tiny pee-pee,
and I'm a-- I'm a premature ejaculator, huh?
All right, okay, listen,
calm down. It'll be fine.
Not a problem at all.
We'll, uh, film it again
and we can splice it together, right?
Yeah.
Well, we'd have to shoot it, like, 20 times
to get enough footage!
All right, that's it, little fucks.
I'm outta here.
Quit looking at me.
If you guys tell anybody about this,
I'm gonna kick your ass and kill you.
Then I'm gonna rat you out.
Come on!
ASHLEY:
Uh...
now what?
Uh...
Just one sex-- Sec.
MATT:
Deacon, you do it.
-What? Me?
-Come on, this is your big chance.
Gimme a break.
Yeah, why don't you do it?
-Fred.
-What?
Come on.
You do it.
I have to run the camera.
Oh, God, like you're the only
one who can run the camera.
Oh, fine.
Fine, I'll do it.
I'll do it for the sake of the film.
DEACON:
Matt, gimme a-- Matt.
Matt.
Put your shirt back on.
-Okay.
-There you go.
God. Straighten up.
Okay.
You know what?
I say we just pay Ashley and, uh,
chalk it up to a failed experiment, right?
-Fine with me.
-Yeah, me too.
No.
-We can find someone else.
-Who?
DEACON:
And we'll pre-sell 'em through our website.
So, what do you think?
You guys are gonna be
legends of the school, man.
Oh, my God.
I've got it!
Oh, my God.
-The Math Team captain.
-What?
The Math Team captain is in detention
for something, all right?
For fixing grades for a girl.
Oh, my God, that's perfect.
And the cheerleader's in there.
And she is going to get grounded
if she fails one more test.
-That's perfect.
-Okay, okay, so...
she goes over to his house.
And-- And she's really, really hot.
-Really hot.
-Type that in. Type that in.
-"Really, really, hot. Hot."
-All right, okay, perfect. And-- But he's bright.
-She's not in calculus or anything. She's like--
-Algebra. Algebra.
-Yeah, Yeah.
-Right, because she's a slut.
She doesn't really...
So, what should we call it?
Like Orgasmic Equations?
I don't know.
Make it-- Make it broader.
Uh, Twelve-Inch Ruler?
I-- You're getting closer.
Slide-Rule Slut.
[POUNDS KNEES]
Slide-Rule Slut.
Slide-Rule Slut.
-Slide-Rule Slut.
-Slide-Rule Slut.
Oh, my God, I gotta go to the bathroom.
-Okay
-I'll leave, you keep typing.
Oh, my God.
And he doesn't know what to do.
He's-- He's-- It's strange,
it's kind of foreign.
[BELL RINGS]
Oh!
TEACHER:
Mr. Lewis.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
-Yeah, thanks.
-Jeez.
[CHUCKLING]
I'm so embarrassed.
[HORN HONKS]
Well, I-- I guess
I should go.
Um, Deacon, will you wait
while I change my shirt really fast?
Will you just turn around
and block me? Nobody will see.
Oh, my God.
So I haven't seen you
around school for a while.
Oh, yeah, you know, I'm just
working on this-- This--
This project at home.
Cool.
You can turn around now.
Listen, Mark and J.T.
are having a party tonight.
Do you wanna meet me there?
Really?
Why not?
[SCOFFS]
Yeah.
Cool.
-Watch out!
-Move!
Jerks!
And that's the history...
of the blowhole.
Now, on to the sea lions.
Sea lions, as you will see,
are not really lions.
They have no fur, no tail,
and they do not live in Africa.
Deacon, Deacon!
Deacon, guess what.
-Guess what, man.
-What?
Our site got linked
by another, bigger site.
Somebody read our stories and liked them!
That's great. And?
We got a few more pre-orders,
and a ton of hits.
How many?
Twelve thousand.
Holy shit. Nice.
Guys, we gotta hurry up
and make this movie.
Um, I can't, uh, really do it tonight, guys.
Where are you going?
Um, Naomi invited me to a party.
Can we come?
Yeah. Of course you can.
Um...the thing is, I really
want you to but, uh...
I, uh... I don't know,
I was kind of getting this vibe
from her, you know what I mean?
Okay, we can just meet you there.
Sure. Sounds good.
It's at Mark and J.T. Slistak's house.
[ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON SPEAKERS]
That's right
Ladies and gentlemen
Step right up
To the biggest
The baddest show in town
I was sitting and wondering
What is it really all for?
[SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
So, what?
Oh, oh, no, um...
Hey, guys.
NAOMI:
Oh, look who's here.
So I hear you guys are working
on a project together.
Uh, yeah. Yeah we are.
But we can't really talk about it.
Yeah, it's private.
Hey, guys.
Deacon, what's up, buddy?
Give me some skin.
Come on. Ha-ha.
What's up?
Pbbt.
JAKE:
You dumb shit.
What's up, Naomi?
What're you doing hanging out with this loser?
What's your problem, Jake?
What's yours?
Whatever.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what was that all about?
He really pisses me off.
Jake is such an asshole.
Tell me about it.
You know when we were going out,
he was mean to me all the time. Okay?
I think he was compensating
for his little penis that never gets hard.
[COUGHS]
You were really smart to dump him.
And I'll tell you why.
'Cause you--
You deserve someone that'll...
treat you really well.
You know what you are?
You're a nice guy.
[KISS]
[KISS]
Deacon.
I've wanted to do that for a long time.
So why didn't you?
[]
Now I know
Where the feelings go
Now I know
The feeling's growing
Now I know
I'm not alone
Do you have anything?
Like what?
Protection.
No.
Hold on.
Here.
Do you want to?
Oh, of course. Yeah.
What's the problem?
It's my first time.
It's okay. Just go slow.
DEACON:
Okay, don't panic. Don't panic.
What do I do?
I mean, what do I do?
I gotta think.
Right. Now, I've seen porn,
I've seen lots of porn.
That's it.
I'll borrow a little scene
from Forrest Hump.
Yeah.
Then I'll take a little something
from American Thigh part one and two.
And then I'm gonna finish up
with some classic material from Pulp Friction.
You know, it's true what they say.
It really does help to have company.
.
ASHLEY: What?
-Where the hell is Coop?
Huh?
What the hell is this?
FRED:
That is a special effect.
If you want this film to look amateurish,
you can find somebody else
to do it, because I--
What y'all talking about?
Come on, already.
Let's do it, all right?
Okay, places, please.
And action.
COOP:
Watch your ass, man.
Oh, this summer tent-pole
blockbuster has me so scared.
COOP: Put your head in my lap
and I'll let you know when the scary parts are over.
What're you doing?
Monster's coming out baby,
just--
Oh, God, this is bad.
How's Naomi?
Fine.
COOP: Oh, Jesus Christ,
this is horrifying.
[SIGHS]
DEACON:
All right, be honest with me.
Do you ever think that maybe we've just gotten
a little bit over our heads with all this?
COOP: Oh, goddamn it,
here comes the monster.
MATT:
Fire! Fire!
[SCREAMS]
DEACON:
What are you doing?
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Fire extin--
Get the fire extinguisher.
Oh, my God.
MATT:
We're all going to die!
Clear!
Ah!
[SCREAMS]
I can't believe this.
You okay?
-Are you okay? You okay? You okay?
-MRS. LEWIS: What is going on here?
Nice rack.
[GASPS]
Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?
Max sprained his wrist at soccer practice.
What's going on here, Deacon?
MR. LEWIS: Wait, wait, honey,
I'm sure that Deacon's got a pretty good explanation
why there's a very beautiful,
naked girl in our kitchen.
Well?
Well, uh...
ASHLEY:
I'm Deacon's girlfriend, Ashley.
-His girlfriend.
-His girlfriend?
Yeah.
Yeah, my girlfriend.
Well, what are you doing in my kitchen
without any clothes on?
Oh, uh, well, we were having a make-out party.
MR. LEWIS:
Make-out party?
That's great,
where's the other girls?
Oh, their, uh...
dates stood 'em up.
Yeah, theirs did,
mine didn't, man.
Mine got sick,
she had to go home.
Mine has mono from too
much making out with me.
What's that smell?
Uh, we had a small fire,
Mrs. Lewis.
I tipped over a candle.
It was to set the right mood.
-A fire?
-Oh, no, Dad.
Allow me to take responsibility.
I'd feel better that way.
We can-- We can pay for it.
I am really sorry,
Ashley.
I just didn't even know
he had a girlfriend.
Say, would you like
to stay for dinner tonight?
Oh, no, no.
Ashley has this-- This--
ASHLEY:
Okay.
Great, I'm Art.
Oh! Ugh.
Okay, okay.
Do you have a shirt?
-Yeah, of course.
-Yes, she got this robe.
MATT:
Yeah, she's got a shirt in here.
[GIGGLING]
Kids.
MR. LEWIS:
So get this, Johnson comes in and he's like:
"Hey, where are the MB-90s?"
I'm like: "Man, you gotta be kidding me.
We discontinued the MB-90s, like, six months ago."
And they think he's the genius.
Johnson sounds like a complete moron.
Exactly.
Ashley,
I have a personal question for you.
Exactly how old are you?
Oh, well I'm 19, but I tell
people I'm 18, right?
Eighteen. I-- Isn't that funny?
I've got it, I've got it.
Don't worry, don't worry.
MRS. LEWIS:
More sausage, Art?
MR. LEWIS:
I'm on a diet. Put that down,
son, before you hurt yourself.
[]
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd come by and say hi.
Maybe we could hang out
in your bedroom.
Oh, God, now's not a good time.
What's wrong?
Well, nothing,
nothing at all.
It's just-- Let me talk to you later?
MRS. LEWIS:
Deacon?
Who is it?
Hi, Mrs. Lewis, I'm Naomi.
Yes, this is Naomi,
and she's my-- My good--
Girlfriend.
H-his girlfriend?
Deacon has two girlfriends?
I'll break your other arm, Max.
What do you mean?
Deacon's other girlfriend
is having dinner with us.
Oh, God, I can explain.
Naomi, this is Deacon's
other girlfriend, Ashley.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
How old are you,
you slut?
Eighteen.
I thought you were a nice guy.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Hey, hey, let her go.
Let her go? Are you insane?
That's Naomi Feldman.
I've been fantasizing about her
ever since I was in the seventh grade.
Yeah, well, fantasy and reality
are two different things, Deacon, okay?
Don't fall in love with her
because of who you think she is.
Make sure you fall in love
with the-- Like, the real deal.
All right. So, what should I do?
Whatever.
NAOMI:
So she's a porno actress in your porno film
and she pretended to be your girlfriend
because she ran upstairs naked
because the light caused a fire
and you've never had sex with her
and you've never kissed her?
Yeah. Pretty much.
So I guess this means you're not
my girlfriend anymore.
Not necessarily.
I wanna come to set tomorrow.
No, no, no.
Why not? I'm curious, I wanna see
what this porno looks like.
I'm sorry, but you can't.
There's just no way.
Matt and Fred'll kill me.
I'm not supposed to be telling
anyone about this.
Well, just tell them I'm creative consultant
for the female point of view.
No offense but the, uh, female point of view
really doesn't matter in these kind of movies.
-Okay, okay.
- Okay.
-Okay, fine.
-Thank you.
MAN:
Have a good night, everybody.
Hey, Vic,
you gotta see this.
This "After School Special" shit is amazing.
They got a ton of hits on their
site with their stupid stories,
and they don't even
have any product yet.
Are you sure it's the same guys
from the Pretty Kitty?
It's the same guys.
Bingo.
I just found out where they live.
Gimme their address.
What are you gonna do?
Gimme the address.
I'm gonna teach those assholes a little something
about the adult-film business.
Goddamn amateurs.
Think they can screw Vic Ramalot?
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
We gonna do this?
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
[]
Hello.
Is you Greitzer?
Yes, that's me.
Ro-nald J. Greitzer?
Actually, it's "Ronald."
But yes.
Huh.
I get it. Brilliant.
You ain't even a goddamn kid, are ya?
Get in the house.
Come on.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm putting you in retirement from the
porno business for good, you hear me?
Yes.
No more schoolgirl fantasies.
And no more goddamn pornos
by virgins, for virgins.
You got me?
[SCREAMS]
Please don't hurt my husband.
What the--?
I'm sorry, I'll never rent them again.
It was only that one time
my wife was at her sister's.
Please, I promise.
You rented a dirty movie?
You told me it was
Jakob the Liar.
What? I shouldn't be entitled
to a little joy in life?
Look at all the trouble you've
brought into this house.
Mmm!
Ronald, you are a pervert.
Excuse us.
I don't think that was him.
What the hell was that?
I'm sorry. That was the address
they gave me on the site.
With a bunch of
9-year-old girls in there.
I know. I'm sorry,
Vic, I'm sorry.
Jesus. You see that cake?
-It was a good cake.
-Man, it looked good.
Was it ice cream?
Like, chocolate ice cream cake?
-Let's get one.
-All right.
It's super easy, man.
Camera right is left,
and camera left is right.
Yes, there's a line that we can't cross.
You understand?
We can't cross the line.
What is she doing here?
Naomi is my girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you?
Yes. Fred.
Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred.
Naomi can give
a female point of view--
Shut up.
What are you doing? Huh?
Didn't you see that Beatles documentary
on the History Channel?
You're pulling a Yoko Ono on us.
A what?
FRED:
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'm sorry I said anything.
I'm sure, uh-- I'm sure
it's gonna be great, all right.
Let's just get started.
She's gonna be really helpful.
[ZIPS PANTS]
Well, hey, Naomi.
Hey, Coop.
What, are you helping these guys out?
Sorta.
MATT:
Okay, people. Places, everybody.
Let's try to do this
with a little feeling, okay?
Hey, Coop.
[SIGHS]
And action.
This quadratic equation is so hard.
Maybe we should just
stick to the long division.
Ah.
Cut. This is all wrong.
She would not be fantasizing
about some geek.
He's not a geek.
He's the Math Team captain.
NAOMI:
No, he should be really well-dressed.
And maybe he's a foreign
exchange student from Portugal.
Okay, nobody told you this,
so it's not a big deal.
But nobody calls "cut" but me!
[LAUGHS]
Who cares, Naomi?
Deacon agrees with me.
Look, you guys,
can we get this done today?
My balls are freezing.
Shut up, Coop,
this is important.
Oh, and my balls aren't?
Oh!
-Jesus!
-Goddamn...
COOP: Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
ASHLEY: I think you broke my nose.
COOP: I'm sorry, baby.
-You know what? This is ridiculous.
I mean, who does a dress
rehearsal for a porno, anyway?
Oh, sure. Why don't we just
throw the script out
while we're at it and improvise.
Guys, I appreciate this.
I appreciate getting money
for doing absolutely nothing.
But this is my career, and I
have no footage for my reel.
Whatever.
-Ashley, listen.
-I'll kill you, Deacon.
Wait, Ashley--
-Ashley, hold on.
FRED: Where are you going?
[FARTS]
MATT: Come here, Ashley.
Where are you going?
Come on. What are you doing?
Oh, great. That is just great.
What do we do now,
huh, Deacon?
Your girlfriend ruined everything.
Wait a second here.
If you guys knew anything about women,
we wouldn't have this problem.
But you don't.
Who asked you?
Whatever.
I'm out of here.
Come on, Deacon.
Yeah. Get out of here.
Leave already.
Go!
Are you coming, Deacon?
NAOMI:
Okay, here we are.
DEACON:
Wait a sec. What are we doing here?
Oh, I thought you might want
some new clothes.
I really don't need new clothes.
I gotta meet up with Matt
and Fred later on today.
I already blew
'em off yesterday.
Deacon, you don't have to hang
out with those boys anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
I just thought we could spend the day together.
What about Matt and Fred?
What about me?
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing a sweater.
Why?
Matt and I have been talking.
Okay.
We want to make this movie.
Yeah, dude.
Obviously, so do I.
No, Deacon.
We want to make this movie we wrote...
without you.
I know what this is about.
It's about Naomi.
MATT:
By virgins, for virgins, remember?
As soon as you got what
you wanted, you blew us off.
Come on, man.
You don't understand.
Do you even like her?
Fine. Do it without me.
Fine.
Fine.
Deacon.
Rachael?
How--? How are you?
Good, good.
How was France?
Oh, it was so fun,
we just got back yesterday.
The school totally screwed up my schedule.
How's John Baldwin?
Who told you about that?
Everyone knows.
Everyone's a liar.
I didn't do it with John Baldwin.
You didn't?
It's not like how it was with us.
FRED:
As soon as you got what
you wanted, you blew us off.
Do you even like her?
RACHAEL:
It's not like how it was with us.
I don't know, sometimes I feel like the whole world
is just passing us by and we're just sitting still.
And, like...
I don't know.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Well, you know, uh...
you can be a real dick sometimes.
[LAUGHING]
FRED:
All right, so now what?
Do we make this thing?
DEACON:
I don't know.
Maybe we should just
call it quits.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Ash, hey.
What are you doing here?
I need you.
What?
I need you to make this movie.
For my reel.
-Well, actually we were just talking about--
-Oh, wow.
You have an eyelash, Deacon.
Make a wish.
DEACON:
Testosterone is a drug more powerful than heroin.
And girls know it.
They use our obsession against us to get flowers
and class rings and commitments.
And, in Ashley's case,
full-length adult videos.
But, come on, if she hadn't come back,
we could have stopped.
But we were weak.
At that moment,
if Ashley would have asked us to jump off a bridge,
as I'm sure you can guess,
we would have done it.
We had to finish the film.
So I've been thinking
about getting into films.
Any tips on how I can break in?
Um, not really.
Acting classes, I guess.
Really. I didn't think
there was much, you know,
acting in those sorts of films.
I guess it kind of depends.
So you think you can get me an audition?
For what?
[SIGHS]
How long have I been
cutting your hair?
I don't know.
Since I was like 8.
[WHISPERS]
I know who you are.
Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
Come on. I just wanna--
Just make one film,
you know, just to see what it's like.
That's great, but how
can I help you?
Oh...I get it.
You do for me if I do for you.
That's how it works.
Okay.
Wha--?
Ooh!
[YELLS]
This is it.
This is the magic hour.
The high school prom.
But let's remember what's really important:
The transition of the moment.
Like, we've all,
you know, for instance...
We've all read The Metamorphosis
by Franz Kafka.
Yeah, dude.
My mom has that book.
Let's see that,
up here and in here.
MATT:
Action.
Ira, I have something to tell you.
What is it?
This prom is making me so hot.
I think I'm ready to lose
my virginity to you tonight.
-Action.
-Oh, Ira...
I--
[CRASH]
Guys, this is like Nickelodeon
with penises and vaginas, man.
Did I sound stupid?
Let's just get naked and get it on.
Okay.
[]
Round two.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Action.
More like an animal,
like an animal.
[COOP HOWLS]
Okay, all right.
Next setup.
My dress is ruined.
Is that okay?
What are we going to do now?
Oh, yeah.
[MOANING AND SCREAMING]
I'm going--
I'm going handheld.
Oh, so good.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, Mick.
Oh, just like that. So good.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
-It's a basic rule of porno. You gotta to be sweaty.
-Oh, my God!
And...action!
What?
But, teacher, I...
Hold on.
[FARTS]
-Oh, God!
-It was a queef.
Are you--? Are you--?
-She queefed.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I had the shrimp salad last night, man.
And, look, I told my mom--
You just about done?
"Quit putting so much--" Yes.
Oh! Pick up where we left off.
That's what I'm saying.
FRED: Action.
-Oh, yeah!
Oh! Ho--
[FARTS TWICE]
Oh, my God!
Warn us next time.
You know, this ain't easy, dude.
I got people I don't even know
bouncing up and down on my stomach.
You know what?
Lunch.
We're over schedule, we're overbudget,
so put everything aside,
we take that fine bridgework
of gossamer and silk.
No questions?
All right. Let's do this.
And...action!
[]
Hey, Vic, here you go.
-Listen, about your account--
-Talk to Mike.
No, it's good.
Have a good day. Thanks.
Yo, Dave, there's a kid on the phone.
Wants to set up a new account.
For what?
Something called
After School Special.
I'll get you a form.
What did you say?
Well, no, it's for another customer.
Did you just say
"After School Special"?
Yeah.
I'm gonna get some pasta, get some sauce, get some cheese,
I'm gonna put it in there and I'll mix it with these bastards' nuts
and make balls lasagna!
[YELPS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
-So?
-How does it look?
Well, I cut together some footage
to give to Ashley for her reel...
but I don't think
I can finish this movie.
Why not?
I can't even watch it.
Every time I turn it on, all I can think
about is Coop farting all day long.
-That was pretty gross.
-This is just it.
The movie looks great, but seeing all that
other stuff, all that disgusting, nasty stuff...
That's what's taking
all the fun out of it.
And I just--
I don't want to do it anymore.
Great. I knew it.
I knew you couldn't handle this.
-Take it easy, Fred.
-No, shut up, Deacon!
I knew when it came down to it,
Matt would wuss out.
You know what? Fuck you, Fred.
You're the wuss here.
At least I don't wack off
every time I see a girl
-in the hallway.
-Hey, shut up, Matt!
No, you shut up! For once in your life, be a man
and admit this movie was a mistake.
-Hey, why don't you make me, huh?
-Hey, hey, hey.
Matt's right.
This movie was a mistake.
What are you talking about?
This whole thing was your idea.
If you didn't like making the movie,
why didn't you just say something?
I don't know. I thought
you guys were having fun.
I didn't want to be the wuss.
DEACON:
We convinced Matt to finish the movie.
We had orders to fill.
But after that,
we promised ourselves
we were gonna shut down the website
and get out of the porn business.
We weren't gonna let life
pass us by anymore.
So we did what any
self-respecting teenager would do.
We threw a bitchen party.
-Hey, guys.
-Ashley.
-Hi, how's it going?
-What's up?
Hey, baby.
Hey, Ashley.
This is such a great party.
Well...thank you.
I have the biggest news.
So I sent my reel to Vivid
and they want to fly me and Coop
to L.A. to talk about a contract.
-Get out of here.
-Oh, ha-ha-ho!
-Wow.
-I know.
-Hey, congratulations.
-Thank you, sweetheart.
MAN:
Deacon, Vinnie says we need more ice.
Hey, that's me.
Hey, I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
So, what's going on, guys?
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
He wanted to know, actually,
if we'd ever get girlfriends?
In a couple of years, girls are going to
be dying to meet guys like you.
I told you.
ROGER:
Yo, Fred, Matt.
Hey, guys. Great party.
Yeah.
MAN:
God, you're-- You're looking good.
Hey, hey.
He looks great.
FRED:
We should have put my picture up there.
-Or mine.
-What's he got in those pants?
My soul
Is melting away
How's Naomi?
I don't know.
Good, I guess.
I thought she was your fantasy girl?
Yeah, she was.
But I don't know,
at the same time it...
It wasn't like it was
with Rachael and I.
-We connected.
-You're gonna dump her.
You're breaking up with me?
Can we still have sex?
Naomi, listen.
Listen to what I'm saying.
Deacon, the only reason I went out with you
is because I thought you were a nice guy.
And now you want to break up with me?
Yeah, I guess so.
If you tell anybody about this...
-I won't.
-I have a reputation.
Jeez, you can tell people
you dumped me, if you want.
-Really?
-Sure, what do I care?
You are a nice guy.
Just do me a favor and don't tell
anyone about the movies, all right?
JAKE [OVER SPEAKER]:
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
These sick little shits right here...
-are porno...graphers, man.
-Shit.
No, they're perverts.
Right, Deacon?
They make porno movies in their basements.
Jake, you better give it a rest, buddy,
because no one's listening to you.
Oh, really?
Shit-pants?
Ha, ha, ha!
You know what, I bet I know
someone who might believe me.
Your parents.
The website's in someone else's name.
All of our files are encrypted.
There's nothing tracing it to us.
Well, I guess it's a good thing
that I... I took the tape of Ashley
masturbating in your basement,
huh?
Once your parents see what kind of sick little
movies their good boy Deacon's making,
they might be kind of mad.
Did you make any copies of that tape?
Hell, no.
So you sent the original tape to my parents?
Yup.
[BELCHES]
Hey, Jake...
What's up?
[GRUNTS]
You're a real dick.
[GRUNTS]
You should probably avoid
pissing her off.
Noted.
Shi--
Guys, we've got a problem.
Not so--
[TOY SQUEAKS]
Not so fast, ladies.
Which one of youse is Balls McLongcock?
-Nice name.
-Thanks.
Too bad you're not gonna
be able to use it anymore.
Who the hell are you, man?
Who the hell am I?
I'm the competition.
Who the hell are youse?
Come into my town?
Pay the ladies twice what I pay 'em?
This After School Special bullshit
is cutting into my business.
So now, I'm gonna put youse out of business.
Get in the car!
DEACON:
So here we are back at the beginning,
hanging from meat hooks.
But now we were boys who'd become men.
And real men just don't scare that easy.
[SCREAMING]
Anything but my balls!
Start with this one.
Me? Why me?
It was all Deacon's idea.
-First I'm gonna kill you!
-Let me--
No, no, no.
No, no, do Deacon.
Please, it was all his idea.
Even better.
Let's get the leader.
[SCREAMING AND MOANING]
Oh, no! No!
Quit squirming, kid.
It hurts worse when you struggle.
We've got preorders!
What?
We presold copies of our video.
[CHUCKLES]
Wha--?
How many? Fifty? A hundred?
[LAUGHING]
63,212.
That's a lot of product, Vic.
FRED:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got orders from all over the world.
I swear, all over the world.
We'll give you the website if you let us go.
Cut 'em down.
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
So, what's your cut?
-Absolutely nothing.
-Except--
-What except? There's no except!
-Except...
you promise to supply us with quality porn,
free of charge.
It could come in handy,
I mean...
[SNIFFS]
...until we get girlfriends.
-And...
-What? No, Matt!
And you promise to maintain
the vision of After School Special.
And what, pray tell, might that be?
The key is to... try to remember
what it was like before you had sex.
What did you use to fantasize about?
A math teacher who bends over
a little too far?
The door of the girl's
locker room open just a sliver.
Going over to your friend's house and
catching his mom walking out of the shower.
Dude!
Not you. Deacon's mom.
Oh, have I been there.
Guys!
All right, deal.
I'm gonna need those master tapes.
Kid, you ever need a job, gimme a call.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, come on.
FRED:
Thanks, Mr...?
Ramalot.
Vic Ramalot.
Good name.
Thanks.
[SNIFFLES]
Vic, you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
-Oh, come on.
-I'm good, I'm good.
It's me, what's the matter?
That damn kid.
He reminded me of...
the way I was when I was his age.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[SOBBING]
Aw, Vic, come here.
Let it out, let it out.
Aw... That's it.
Come on. You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good,
I'm good. Thanks.
-You hungry?
-I could eat.
-Grab a bite?
-Yeah.
Honey, did you go through the mail today?
Hmm, not yet.
I'll go get it.
-Hurry, hurry, hurry!
-It's a minivan, Fred!
It won't go any faster.
MATT:
Come on, you drive like my grandma.
[FRED SCREAMS]
-What are you doing? We don't got time.
-Stop sign, man.
I'm not about to lose my license over this.
Looking for something in the mail, Deacon?
Um...
No, I just--
Maybe something you didn't want us to see?
Mom, Dad...
-It's too late, Deacon.
-If you just wait a sec...
We just want you to know
how deeply disappointed we are in you.
I can explain.
You can explain?
Well, explain it to me, son,
explain it!
Believe-- If you just give me a chance, I--
How in the hell can you ever explain this?
How did you manage to get a C in biology?
You are a straight-A student, boy.
I knew we shouldn't have
let him have a girlfriend.
Let alone two.
Is that what this is about?
My biology class?
Mom, Dad,
I'm 17.
I'm driving, I got a girlfriend.
But the fact is, you guys
treat me as if I'm a little kid.
Is it too much to ask for to be a
normal teenager with a normal life?
I don't like your tone, son.
I just want to have fun with my friends.
Okay?
Okay, then.
But make sure we don't get
a repeat performance in the finals.
I won't.
[EXHALES]
What's up?
[WHISPERS]
What's going on?
They don't have it.
[WHISPERS]
But neither do I.
-We don't have it either.
-I don't know.
Don't just stand there all the time.
[WHISPERS]
What are we gonna do?
Your parents are right there.
Ah!
How much do you know?
Pretty much everything,
Mr. Slam.
These are my demands.
[SCOFFS]
Done.
-Did you know all along?
-Are you kidding?
Who do you think made the first preorder?
Little bastard.
So, what do we do with this?
I have an idea.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
You meet me right here, after school.
FRED:
So I guess we all got what we deserved, huh.
No money, no power...
No women.
Tony Montana would be pissed.
Speak for yourselves, guys.
DEACON:
I don't know if we got what we deserved or not.
Okay, probably not.
But Rachael dumped that guy
and we got back together.
We haven't had sex yet,
but somehow I'm okay with that.
You know, I don't think I want
to rush it this time.
And even though we kept quiet
about the film, word got around.
And just like Coop said,
we became legends of the school.
And Fred finally learned
how to talk to a girl.
Hey, Fred.
I hear you know a thing or two
about giving a woman pleasure.
No, I don't.
Matt knows a thing or two
about giving women pleasure.
I know everything.
[GIGGLING]
We should go out sometime.
Oh, I knew you'd come around.
Maybe all four of us could go out.
Um... Yeah.
That could work, you know,
depending on my schedule.
[LAUGHING]
So...
call me?
Oh, most definitely.
-Cool.
-Later.
Ladies, ladies.
What's up? All right.
-See you.
-Bye.
Oh! God, watch where
you're going, sphincter.
I thought I told you
not to call me that anymore.
Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.
What are you gonna do about it?
Some people just never learn.
[CHUCKLES]
You know...
you really shouldn't have mailed
that tape back to us.
MAN [ON TV]: Attention, Wallies.
-What's that?
[SPED-UP DIALOGUE PLAYS
INDISTINCTLY]
What is that, guys?
JAKE:
I got a pro-pro-problem.
-Nice work.
-Thank you.
For real, what was that?
-I got a problem!
-What was that?
I've got a tiny, tiny, tiny
pee-pee, pee-pee.
Pro-pro-problem.
She-- She-- She--
Then I got a--
I got a problem.
I got a tiny pee-pee.
I never wanted it.
A tiny, tiny,
tiny pee-pee, pee-pee.
BOY:
Jake's a premature ejaculator.
People, premature ejaculation
is nothing to laugh at.
I'm gonna get you for this,
you little shit!
DEACON:
It's like I said in the beginning:
In high school, everyone's
got that one magic moment.
[TRUCK HONKS]
For us, this was it.
Don't ever say Vic Ramalot
never gave you nothin'.
[IN UNISON]
Thanks, Mr. Ramalot.
-Let's hit a drive-through.
-I could eat.
[SPOOKIE DALY PRIDE's
"Marshmallow Pie PIECE" PLAYING]
[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
...and tricksters
Chucklehead hipsters
Hop on for the ride
We're eatin'
Marshmallow pie
Hop on for the ride
We're eatin'
Marshmallow pie
Hop on for the ride
We're eatin...
WOMAN [ON TV]:
Oh, oh, that's good.
Oh, that's so good.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that--
Just like that.
That's right.
Oh, just like that.
Just like that.
That's right.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, boy, why do they always
have to show the guys' faces?
WOMAN:
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you know, it's so that guys will think
that they can get girls as hot as her.
It's the basic rule of porno.
-That's true.
WOMAN: Whoo!
Oh, my God!
[HOWLS]
Is that our basement?
[ANYTHING BUT JOEY'S "ONE" PLAYING]
I'm bitin' this
Love-struck lollipop
Tradin' licks
To reach the core
I've never
Been one to be sore
That I'll never be
The one two, three, four
Whoa-whoa
Whoa-whoa
Whoa whoa-oh
Whoa-whoa
Whoa-whoa
Whoa whoa-oh
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
So sorry
So sorry
I've never been big
On starry eyes
Defibrillating smiles
Fascinating minds
To think that all this time
I don't get one thought
Or one chance
Or one two, three, four
Just a little fun
'Cause all I need is one
I'm open
I'm open
Here's hopin'
Here's hopin'
That I'm invited
I'm chokin'
I'm chokin'
Heartbroken
Heartbroken
Love unrequited
One thought
Our last chance for one dance
Or four, three, two
One joke
I'll steal first base
Just like Diet Coke
Just for the taste of it
And one thought
Of your one-blue
One-green eyes
And defibrillating smile
Fascinating mind
To think that all this time
I don't get one thought
Or one chance
Or one two, three, four
Just a little fun
'Cause all I need is one
Just a little fun
'Cause all I need is one
I'm open
I'm open
Here's hopin'
Here's hopin'
That I'm invited
I'm chokin'
I'm chokin'
Heartbroken
Heartbroken
Love unrequited
And I will be there
Always
Always forever
And I will be there
Always
Always
Just a little fun
'Cause all I need is one
Just a little fun
'Cause all I need is one
Two, three, four
["ONE" ENDS]
Category:Transcripts