The Silence of the Louise/Transcript

INTERIOR - Belcher's kitchen. 
(Linda is making coffee in the background. Tina, Gene, and Louise are gathered around the table. Louise is reading "Old Yeller," Gene is eating cereal, and Tina is watching Louise read. )
Louise: Two more pages. (Sigh) Oh, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
(Linda walks over to the table)
Linda: One word at a time, sweetie. Push through.
(Bob enters the kitchen)
Louise: I need water (splashes water on her face). Ahh!
Bob: What's going on?
Linda: Louise is reading "Old Yeller."
Gene: I believe it's pronounced "old yellow."
(Bob walks over to the table)
Bob: Uh, why? I mean, I wish I wasn't asking why one of my kids is reading a book, but I am.
Tina: It's for a school read-a-thon. If the entire student body reads 500 books, we earn a trip to Wetty, Set, Go water park.
Bob: Oh. Is that place back open? I thought it was closed because of the ---
Tina: (interrupting him) The kid who lost a finger?
Gene: The diarrhea in the wave pool?
Tina: Fake lifeguards?
Gene: The flesh-eating bacteria?
Bob: Yes, all of those.
Tina: No, it's back open. 
Louise: Everybody, quiet! Yeller's got rabies, so a vet's probably about to come and cure him, and that'll be that.
Bob: Oh god.
Linda: I don't think that's what happ --
Louise: (interrupting her) Ah! Holy crap!
Linda: Yeah, sorry.
Bob: Yeah.
Louise: (slamming the book shut) This is why I don't read.
INTERIOR - Wagstaff School library. 
(Mr. Ambrose and a crowd of Wagstaff students are crowded around a poster board that reads "Read-A-Thon Book Goal with a diagram of a thermometer that is almost filled to the top with red ink. The goal of 500 books is almost met.)
Zeke: (holding a book) And by the end, the pigs are walking on their hind legs, and callin' all the shots. The dream of an animal utopia is over. 
Mr. Ambrose: (flatly) Count it.
(A student standing next to the poster board adds another stripe of red ink to the thermometer.)
Jocelyn: (holding a book) Charlotte totally dies, and then I used the book to kill a spider and that, like, really made me think.
Mr. Ambrose: (sighs heavily) Count it.
EXTERIOR - Mr. Frond's office. 
(Mr. Branca inserts his keys into Mr. Frond's office door and lets himself in. He enters the office and turns on the light.)
Mr. Branca: (shouting) Ahh! Someone come quick!
INTERIOR - Wagstaff School library. 
Louise: And so, apparently in all children's literature, a really nice animal dies in the end. That is not cool, reading. Not cool.
Mr. Ambrose: Yeah, you said it honey.
Louise: Well, put it on the board, because thats 500.
(A student standing next to the poster board the final stripe of red ink to the thermometer.)
Louise: Wetty, Set, Go here we come!
(The Wagstaff students assembled in the library start to cheer.)
(Mr. Frond bursts into the library looking panicked, followed by Mr. Branca.)
Mr. Frond: Attention! There has been a grisly crime in my office. My therapy dolls have been mutilated.
Zeke: Do what?
INTERIOR - Mr. Frond's office. 
(Mr. Frond opens his office door, exposing the interior to the huddled mass of students behind him. Mr. Frond's dolls are ripped open and laying in pieces on his desk. Dramatic music plays.)
Tina: Whoa.
(The group walks into the office slowly, assessing the situation.)
Mr. Frond: B.O. Theo, Lynn-Secure, Pierre Pressure... Some of the others I'll have to identify from yarn records.
Zeke: (gagging) Wasn't ready to see that. Oh, boy. 
Louise: What sick, twisted, but really creative kid did this?
Mr. Frond: For all I know, you did, Louise.
Louise: No, no, no. This wasn't me. This is cray-cray....cray. It's three crays.
Mr. Frond: What I do know is, there will be no trip to the water park until the fiend who did this is caught or comes forward. 
(The students protest in unison).
Mr. Frond (bringing his coffee to his mouth and slurping) Sorry. I'm self-medicating with a soothing Caramel Chamomile from the new pod coffee machine in the teachers lounge. 
Zeke: I wondered why you smelled like my aunt.
Jimmy Jr.: Yeah, you smell just like his aunt. 
Mr. Frond: (exasporated) Yes, I've heard this before, I smell like your aunt, yes.
Louise: (walking toward Mr. Frond's desk) You know what? This whole thing has kind of a Millie touch. Remember those homemade "presents" she put in my locker?
Flashback 1 - INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway.
(Louise opens her locker to see a toy similar to a Lite Brite inside. It says "Millie + Louise")
Louise: (screams) Millie!
Flashback 2 - INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway.
Louise opens her locker to see a huge plate of fruit designed to look like her face.)
Louise: (screams) Millie!
Flashback 3 - INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway.
Louise opens her locker to see a still frame of the twins in The Shining with photos of herself and Millie taped over the faces of the twins.)
Louise: (screams) Millie!
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ENDS
INTERIOR - Mr. Frond's office. 
Mr. Frond: Millie is the one student I know didn't do it. She's at home this week recovering from an extensive orthodontia procedure. 
Gene: Why didn't she wait until she's in her 40s to get braces? Like Gwen Stafani?
INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway.
(Gene gets water from the water fountain in the background. Louise and Tina stand further in the foreground. Students are walking by.)
Louise: Can't believe I read for nothing! 
(Gene walks over to join Tina and Louise)
Louise: I want that water park.
Tina: Maybe Mr. Frond will catch whoever did it.
Louise: Him? He couldn't catch his butt with two hands. We got to solve this ourselves. Take some pictures, gather some evidence ---
Gene: (interrupting her) Put the evidence in little baggies, label the baggies, put the baggies in an evidence locker. But where are we going to get little baggies?!
INTERIOR - Bob's Burgers
(Linda is wiping down the counter and Bob is placing a box of supplies under the counter. Teddy walks into the restaurant, followed by Janine.)
Teddy: Hey, guys. You know Janine, from the stationary store?
Janine: Hi.
Bob: Sure. How's it going over there?
Linda: Great, right? People are never gonna stop buying birthday cards.
Janine: (dejectedly) Actually, people have stopped buying birthday cards. 
Linda: Oh.
Janine: But I still sell a lot of staples and paperclips. The internet can't hold two pieces of paper together. 
Bob: Not yet.
Teddy: Janine and I have news. We're partners. (holds his hands up in defense) Not romantic partners. (turns to Janine) Right?
(Janine shakes her head no.)
Teddy: No, we are not.
Janine: No, we're not. Teddy and I are going into the inspirational poster business. 
Linda: Oh, I love those posters. That baby with the spaghetti on his head. That got me through my 30s.
Teddy: Yeah, it's a funny story how it all came together. I was up on a ladder fixing Janine's ceiling fan and I fell onto a bunch of erasers.
Linda: Oh, that's kind of lucky. Soft erasers.
Teddy: They were on a glass shelf.
Linda: Oh my god.
Teddy: Yeah, so that broke. And under that were X-Acto knives. 
Janine: Pointed up.
Linda: Oooh
Teddy: (turns to Janine) Still don't know why you store 'em that way.
Janine: It's a display, it looks better.
Teddy: Right. So I was lying there bleeding somewhat heavily, and I said to myself "Shake it off, today is tomorrow's yesterday."
Janine: And I said "Hey Shakespeare, that would go great on a poster."
Teddy: Turns out Janine's been taking pictures for years, just waiting for the perfect poster phrase.
(Janine takes out her phone and starts swiping through pictures.)
Janine: I've got beaches, I've got clouds. I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone. 
(Janine shows her phone to Bob and Linda. Linda leans in to look, Bob is uninterested.) 
Linda: (looking at the picture) Who's he calling? (laughs) It's fun to imagine, right?
Teddy: Eh
Linda: Michael Jackson.
Teddy: We finally settled on a sunrise. Or maybe it's a sunset, we don't know. 
Janine: The sun was in my eyes, I couldn't tell. (chuckles awkwardly) And I was high.
Teddy: (unrolling one of the posters) So we printed up 1,000, and here we are.
Bob: 1,000 sounds like a lot.
Linda: (lightly slapping Bob) Bob!
Teddy: (rolling the poster back up) We already sold one.
Bob: Great. To who?
Teddy: (handing the poster across the counter to Bob and Linda) Well to you, right? Don't you want one?
Linda: Of course we want one. 
(Bob groans noncommittally)
Linda: I want one.
Bob: (flatly) Sure.
Linda: We'll take two.
Bob: Wait, why would we want two of the same poster?
Linda: 'Cause what if we both want to look at it? (softly, and fading away) I want to look at it.
Teddy: Two coming right up. (hands a poster to Linda and a poster to Bob) One, two.
INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway.
(Tina, Gene, and Louise are walking down the hallway, talking. In the background, students are at their lockers.)
Louise: Okay, what do we know? We know a psycho did this. We just have to get in the head of a psycho.
Tina: Too bad we're not Millie. Not that she's psycho, but she's, you know, psychish.
(Louise stops in her tracks.)
Louise: Tina, that's it!
(Tina and Gene stop walking and turn around to face Louise.)
Tina: Wait, we are Millie?
Gene: I knew it.
Louise: No, she can be our "psycho-sultant."
EXTERIOR - Millie's House
(Louise, Gene, and Tina are standing outside of Millie's door. Mrs. Frock opens the door.)
Mrs. Frock: Louise! Is that really you?
Louise: Yup. Wait, you know who I am?
Mrs. Frock: I guess I should know my daughter's best friend. I only see your face every time I turn around. 
(Mrs. Frock gestures behind her. The screen pans to show multiple pieces of artwork Millie has made featuring the Millie and Louise hanging out together and pictures and drawings that only feature Louise. Eerie music plays in the background.)
Mrs. Frock: Gosh, I've heard everything about you. Bob and Linda, the restaurant, Teddy the handyman.
Tina: We're Gene and Tina.
Mrs. Frock: Sorry, who?
Tina: Um, the siblings.
Mrs. Frock: Come again?
Tina: (louder) Gene and Tina.
Mrs. Frock: No.
Louise: Can we go up and see Millie?
Mrs. Frock: (gesturing behind her, pointing at the staircase.) Last room on the left.
(Louise, Gene, and Tina enter the house and begin to head upstairs).
Mrs. Frock: Don't give her gum or hard candy. Nothing pointy that she might use to pry off her headgear. And don't get too close, the braces make her spit a little.
(Gene groans as he, Tina, and Louise make their way up the stairs.)
INTERIOR - Upstairs Hallway, Millie's House
(foreboding music plays as Tina, Gene, and Louise slowly make their way down the dimly lit hallway towards Millie's room.)
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is standing perfectly still as Tina, Gene, and Louise make their way to the door frame. She is wearing headgear. Her room looks exactly like Louise's bedroom in the Belcher's apartment)
Millie: (breathlessly) Hi, Louise.
Louise: Hi, Millie.
(Tina, Gene, and Louise step into the room.)
Millie: (chanting quietly) You're in my room, you're in my room.
Louise: Yeah... Oh my God.
Tina: (uncomfortably) Hey Louise, Millie's room is exactly like your room. That's definitely cute and not creepy.
Louise: (uncomfortably) Anyway, uh, we just wondered how you were feeling. 
Millie: No, how are you feeling, Louise? Your voice sounds strained. You've been yelling about something, I can tell. Bad news at school?
Tina: Wow, she's good.
Millie: (inhales deeply and pauses for a second) Someone has hard candy.
Louise: Gene, give it to her.
(Gene groans softly and hands a piece of hard candy to Millie. Millie inhales loudly, then begins sucking loudly on the candy.)
Louise: Well, Millie, I would like ... your help.
(Millie gasps)
Louise: Somebody, not you, but, you know, maybe kind of like you, chopped up Mr. Frond's therapy dolls and got the water park trip cancelled.
Millie: Oh no! I read "Old Yeller" for that trip. 
Louise: (sarcastically) Oh, did you?
Millie: (nods) Mm-hmm.
(Louise reaches into her backpack and pulls out photos. She hands them to Millie. Millie begins looking at them)
Louise: Here are some pictures of the crime scene.
Tina: They're not touch screen, they're just pictures. (quietly) Not that anyone thought they were touch screen.
Millie: Okay, I've got some ideas and I'd be glad to help. As a friend.
Louise: Great.
(Ominous music begins to play) 
Millie: But friends play together, Louise. I'll help you in exchange for play dates. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. (Millie moves closer to Louise's face.) I really want to scratch your back Louise.
(Ominous music ends) 
Louise: No! That's extortion, Millie. (splutters) Get out of my room.
Millie: It's my room, Louise. (laughs diabolically) It's my room!
Louise: Fine, I'll do it. (sighs and turns to Tina and Gene) Don't leave me alone with her.
Tina: Um, what about us, Millie?
Millie: There's a trampoline in the back. Go bounce and stay out of our way, not-Louise girl and not-Louise boy.
Tina: Scream if you need us, Louise.
(Tina and Gene turn around and start to leave the room.)
Louise: No, no, no, no, no, no....
Gene: Sorry toots, we got to go talk to a tramp named O-line.
(Gene walks out of the room, leaving Louise alone with Millie.)
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK**
EXTERIOR - Backyard, Millie's House
(Tina and Gene are jumping on the trampoline. Their voices are a little strained and they are out of breath.)
Tina: Gene, I'm kind of worried about ... (grunts) ... Louise alone in there with ... (grunts) ... Millie.
Gene: Me too. I'm also worried ... about my testicles banging into each other. Who am I kidding? I love it.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Louise and Millie are pacing back and forth. Millie had a bit more of a spring to her step.)
Louise: Okay, so it's got to be someone who hates Mr. Frond. But that's everyone.
Millie: When everyone has a motive, maybe look for who doesn't have a motive? (sings) La la la la la --
Louise: (interrupting her) Yes! Wait, I don't understand. 
Millie: Enough detective work. Let's do fun things. Hey, I know, we'll put on our own play. You be you, and I'll be you.
Scene cuts to after Millie and Louise have put on their play.
(Millie is wearing a replica of Louise's bunny ears that she made out of straws and a headband.)
Louise: (flatly) And we take a bow (Millie and Louise bow) and we won a Tony. Back to the case.
(Millie and Louise kneel down and examine the crime scene photos.)
Millie: Well, whoever did this knew Mr. Frond's schedule. Kind of like (laughing maniacally) how I know yours.
Louise: Yes, and someone who knew which drawer the dolls were kept in. Like one of the kids getting counseled, of course! Let's make a list.
Millie: Nah, Karaoke time. 
Scene cuts to Millie and Louise singing "Endless Love" on karaoke.
Millie: (singing) My love, there's only you in my life. (gestures to Louise) The only thing that's bright.
Louise: (singing flatly): My first love, your every breath --
Scene cuts to Millie and Louise singing K-pop on karaoke.
Millie and Louise: (singing together) Wooriga gatchee itnun gun, baby baby!
Louise: Okay, uh, yes, we sound amazingly great singing Korean pop. But we got to focus.
Millie: Let's see. All the dolls are messed up, (points to a photo of a doll that is intact) except this one. Miss Understood.
Louise: Is it because whoever did this felt misunderstood?
Millie: Wow, that's a great question. Let's dress up my cat!
Louise: (exasperated) Oh, my God!
(Cat meows)
Millie: (to her cat) You're staying, Muffin.
EXTERIOR - Backyard, Millie's House
(Tina and Gene are laying on the trampoline, exhausted.)
Tina: Oh.... a tramp named O-line. Now I get it.
Gene: Yeah.
INTERIOR - Kitchen, Bob's Burgers
(Bob is cooking burgers on the grill and looking at Teddy's poster that has been hung just above it.)
Bob: Uh, Lin are-are you sure that's where we want Teddy's poster?
Linda: (from the other side of the order window) Why, what's wrong?
Bob: Nothing, it's just that it's kind of in my eyeline. And it's dumb and I hate it.
Linda: That's how inspiring posters work. You got to see them again and again until they kick in. Like taking antibiotics.
(The screen zooms out to show the whole kitchen)
Bob: Wait, did you put the other one up over our choking poster?
Linda: It was depressing. Ugh, a picture of that guy gagging.
Bob: Right, but someone could choke. I mean --
Linda: (interrupting him) Bob, relax. Look at Teddy's poster. Tomorrow is tomorrow goes tomorrow --
Bob: (interrupting her) Uh, that's not what it says.
Linda: Today is tomorrow --
Bob: (interrupting her) It's not working.
Linda: And breathe --
Bob: (interrupting her) I don't like it.
EXTERIOR - Ocean Avenue
(Tina, Gene, and Louise are walking on the sidewalk)
Louise: That was the most exhausting play date of my life. But, we made progress.
Gene: We burned some calories on the trampoline. And I think the family next door really started to warm up to us. 
Tina: Yeah, I watched half of "Jurassic Park" through their window. Every other second.
Louise: Well, I guess I got to keep this going till we crack the case.
MONTAGE - Millie and Louise working on the case and having playdates
Montage Scene 1 - INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie and Louise are standing in front of a cork board with a diagram of the crime scene on it. Louise is drawing on the diagram with a red marker)
MUSIC: (sung) Play dates, play dates
Montage Scene 2 - INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie and Louise are playing cat's cradle with string. Louise makes a mistake and the string ends up wrapped around her wrists.)
MUSIC: (sung) Having lots of playdates
Montage Scene 3 - INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie and Louise are attaching pictures to the cork board with a diagram of the crime scene on it. Millie is pointing to a picture of one of the dolls.)
MUSIC: (sung) I'm gonna play with you till we die
Montage Scene 4 - INTERIOR - Upstairs Hallway, Millie's House
(Millie and Louise are playing hide and seek. Louise uncovers her eyes to look for Millie. She looks around and can't find her at first. Eventually, the screen zooms out and we see that Millie is above Louise, near the ceiling.)
MUSIC: (sung) Play dates, play dates
Montage Scene 5 - INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie and Louise are standing in front of a cork board with a diagram of the crime scene and a photo array of suspects on it. Louise is crossing out suspects' pictures with a red marker)
MUSIC: (sung) Super fun play dates
Montage Scene 6 - INTERIOR - Living room, Millie's House
(Millie and Louise are playing a game similar to Dance, Dance Revolution. They are dancing in sync with one another, staring at the TV.)
MUSIC: (sung) Gonna play together until we die.
MONTAGE ENDS
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie and Louise are standing in front of a cork board with a diagram of the crime scene, lists of suspects, the crime scene photos, and a collection of notes on it.)
Louise: Someone obviously hated those dolls. But who?
Millie: Let's talk about "Old Yeller."
Louise: Forget "Old Yeller." 
Millie: But it was such a great "yarn." Didn't you think it was a good "yarn?"
Louise: Wait, yar-yarn. There's something about the yarn.
Millie: Maybe
Louise: (yelling) Millie, why do you turn everything into a freaking --- wait, I know yarn people.
EXTERIOR - Backyard, Millie's House
(Tina and Gene are jumping on the trampoline. Louise opens the window and yells down to them.)
Louise: Tina, Gene, we need to go somewhere.
Tina: Okay. (groans) The neighbors shut their blinds anyway. (groans)
Gene: Rude.
INTERIOR - Reflections Art Store
(Edith and Harold are behind the counter. Harold is asleep. Tina, Gene, and Louise enter the store.)
Edith: Shoplifters. Harold, wake up.
Harold: (wakes up abruptly) What? Oh. Boost your airplane glue someplace else, you hoods!
Edith: And then take it on back to Boys Town.
Tina: We're not shoplifters. Wait, what's Boys Town? It sound interesting.
Louise: Listen, someone cut up this doll. (holds the doll out for Edith and Harold to see) Do you see anything unusual?
Edith: (takes the doll from Louise) Hmm. This yarn isn't cut, it's unraveled. 
Louise: It's what?
Harold: (yelling) Unraveled!
Gene: (scared) Ah!
(Edith hands the doll back to Louise)
Louise: Why not just cut it? Why were they so careful? 
Edith: Here's a question. Why are you still here? (yelling) Buy some pipe cleaners or get the hell out!
Louise: Okay. Geez.
(Tina, Gene, and Louise leave the store.)
INTERIOR - Wagstaff hallway 
(Louise is at her locker, Gene is tying his shoe, and Tina is looking around, holding a book. Students walk by in the foreground.)
Louise: We're so close to solving this. (Louise takes something out of her locker) Millie's an odd bird but she does have a head for this stuff.
Tina: (pointing at the thing Louise is holding) What's that?
Louise: Oh, it's just a Millie and me friendship collage I'm working on. (scoffs) Got to play the game, right?
Tina: That's a lot of glitter glue.
Gene: Maybe less is more? Learn to edit yourself?
Tina: Seems like Millie's kind of becoming a real friend, Louise. 
Louise: (defensively) She's not a friend, Tina. We've had some fun -- I mean not "fun" but, you know -- shut up.
(Mr. Frond walks past Tina, Gene, and Louise in the foreground holding a cup of coffee as the kids continue talking.)
Gene: I get it. It's like that thing I've got with Mom. Why put a label on it?
Louise: (waving down Mr. Frond) Oh, Mr. Frond. I want to update you on Operation Waterpark's Back On.
Mr. Frond: Um, okay.
(Zeke enters the scene with his hands above his head in surrender. Jimmy Jr, follows behind him.)
Zeke: Mr. Frond! I'm turning myself in. 
Jimmy Jr.: Zeke, you don't have to do this.
Zeke: You need that field trip, Jimmy Junior.
Mr. Frond: (confused) Zeke, you did it?
Zeke: Yep. Typical me. I hate those, uh, what do they call it again? I hate it though.
Mr. Frond: (flatly) Dolls.
Zeke: Yeah, dolls.
Mr. Frond: Yeah
Zeke: So everyone gets to go to the water park, I guess. (emotionally) You get to go, Jay-Ju! You get to go.
Mr. Frond: Okay, I'm ... I-I, I...
Zeke: Oh God, I need help! Little help!
(Zeke falls into Jimmy Jr's arms)
Jimmy Jr.: (yelling) Somebody help him!
Zeke: Come on.
Jimmy Jr.: (yelling) He needs help!
Louise: So, uh .... huh. That's .... case closed?
INTERIOR - Yours Truly Stationary
(Linda enters the store)
Linda: Hi, Teddy. Hi, Janine. Just seeing how the poster's doing.
Janine: How's it doing? It's dying. Dead.
Teddy: People seem a little unfamiliar with the concept.
FLASHBACK - INTERIOR - Yours Truly Stationary
(A customer is staring at the poster. Teddy and Janine are standing on either side of him.)
Customer: (uninterested) So what does it do?
Teddy: You- You read it.
Janine: And it changes your life.
Customer: And where would I put it?
Teddy: On a wall?
Customer: I don't really do walls. I live in a converted gazebo with my improv group, so it's like ---
Teddy: (interrupting him, frustrated) That's enough out of you.
FLASHBACK ENDS
INTERIOR - Yours Truly Stationary
Janine: I don't know what the problem is. The poster's got everything, at least, graphically.
Teddy: "At least graphically?"
Janine: Maybe the phrase isn't as good as I thought it was.
Teddy: (accusatory) Or maybe your sunrise is really a sunset, and its wrecking the mood my words create.
Janine: (defensive) I get them confused. I already explained that.
Linda: Um
Teddy: I liked the chimp with the banana phone. That was like your only good one!
Janine: Why did I take a chance on you?
(A customer walks into the store and heads toward the poster display. The argument continues in the background.)
Teddy: Why did I let you take a chance on me?
Customer 2: Oh, my God, I love it.
Linda: (whispering) Guys. You got a customer. She's going for her wallet.
Teddy: Oh, thank God. Sorry about a second ago. 
Janine: Oh, me too. 
Teddy: That was crazy.
Janine: You're the best.
Teddy: No you are.
(The customer has taken out her phone and is taking a picture of the poster.)
Customer 2: And click.
Teddy: What are you doing?
Customer 2: I'm posting it.
Teddy: No, stop that! You got to buy it.
Customer 2: It has so many likes. You're welcome.
Teddy: No, those are our ideas!
(The customer walks out of the store. Teddy looks defeated.)
Linda: Well, I need another poster. Oh, wait, I forgot my wallet. 
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie. Tina and Gene are standing off to the side, watching her.)
Louise: So anyway, I guess I don't need to come over anymore.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: Oh, come on, Louise. You actually think Zeke did it?
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: Yes... I mean, okay, he didn't seem to know what he was confessing to, but that's a very small detail.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: I thought we were looking for the truth.
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: We were looking for the water park, Millie. Have you been to Wetty, Set, Go? The slides are so fast you'll get the kind of wedgie that'll never come out and you just have to live with it.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: But we're almost there. And I think I know who did it.
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: (frustrated) Well, if you know who did it, just tell me. You've been stretching things out just to keep me near you.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: (defensive) Ugh! You think it's all about you, Louise, just because everything I do is all about you.
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: Okay, we're done Millie. Go ahead and slam the phone down.
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: No, you slam the phone down first!
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: No, you!
INTERIOR - Millie's Room
(Millie is sitting on her bed, talking to Louise on the phone)
Millie: No you!
INTERIOR - Ms. Selbo's office, Wagstaff
(Louise is on the phone talking to Millie)
Louise: All right, we'll slam the phone down together.
Millie and Louise: (together) One, Two, Three.
(slight pause)
Millie: (through the reciever) You didn't slam the phone --
Louise: (interrupting her) You didn't slam the phone down!
(Louise and Millie continue bickering incoherently in the background)
Tina: I feel like we should leave the room, but this is a pretty cute fight.
(Mr. Frond screams from down the hallway and runs to Ms. Selbo's office, panting.)
Mr. Frond: After I left Zeke, I went back to my office and found Miss Understood like this! 
(Mr. Frond holds up a mutilated doll.)
Gene: Ugh.
Mr. Frond: (stroking Miss Understood's hair) That means Zeke didn't do it. He couldn't have done it. The son of a bitch is still out there. The water park is off again.
Louise: (on the phone) Okay, so it turns out the case isn't solved. I will be over at the usual time and we'll crack this thing. Hello? Millie? Millie? (getting increasingly desperate) Millie? Millie? 
Gene: Give it 12 more "Millie's" and call it a day. 
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK**
EXTERIOR - Millie's House
(Tina, Gene, and Louise are standing on Millie's doorstep)
Louise: All right, Millie was a tad upset, but I can smooth this over.
(Mrs. Frock opens the door)
Mrs. Frock: Oh, Louise. Wow. Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Millie doesn't want to see you. Awkward. (chuckles)
Louise: (persuasively) But come on, I'm Louise. I'm the one from the pictures. I'm just going to slip in.
Mrs. Frock: Shutting the door now, in your face.
(Mrs. Frock slowly shuts the door)
Louise: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!
INTERIOR - Bob's Burgers
(Bob and Linda are standing behind the counter and Teddy is sitting on a stool. Bob is pouring coffee for Teddy.)
Teddy: Well, we're dissolving the poster business. Janine wants out.
Linda: Aw, Teddy, I'm so sorry.
Teddy: Yeah, well, the pet shop down the street offered to buy the rest of the posters at a deep discount. They're gonna shred them for hamster cage bedding. The guy was really impressed with how much hamster urine they could absorb.
Linda: I can see that.
Bob: I'll give you back our posters if you want, so you can shred them.
Linda: Bob, no!
Bob: But I mean, if the hamsters just need even one --
Linda: (interrupting him) No, no, no, those hamsters are fine. Believe me, I've been down there. They've got it pretty good.
Bob: Right. Yep.
EXTERIOR - Millie's House
(Tina, Gene, and Louise are standing outside of Millie's house. Louise is pacing back and forth.)
Louise: I have to get to Millie somehow. She says she knows who did it.
Tina: I have an idea Louise, and I think you'll jump for it. Because it's jumping ... Which I could have said first.
INTERIOR - Millie's Bedroom
(Millie is sitting on her bed reading a book. The window behind her is open. Louise begins jumping up and down on the trampoline in the backyard.)
Louise: Millie! (panting) Millie! Look, I'm sorry. I do want the truth. (panting) And, uh, here's the weird thing: I was having fun with you. (panting) There I said it!
Tina: (also jumping up and down on the trampoline) It's true Millie. (panting) Louise really worked hard on that friendship collage. Hi, this is Tina.
Gene: (also jumping up and down on the trampoline, holds up the friendship collage Louise made) I still think she went kind of nuts with the glitter glue. (panting) Solid work, but I just question her taste level sometimes.
Louise: Please, we're running out of time. Wetty, Set, Go never stays open that long! Typhus can happen just like that!
Millie: All right. (yells) Mom, let Louise in!
Louise: Yes! I'm gonna come through the window. (Louise attempts to enter through the window) Oh, never mind. Bad idea, bad idea. 
INTERIOR - Bob's Burgers
(Bob is in the kitchen working on the grill. Linda is out front taking orders. The restaurant is very crowded.)
Linda: Bob, you got to pick it up, we're getting clobbered.
Bob: Why are we so slammed?
Linda: Jimmy Pesto closed to watch them blow up that beached whale in Bog Harbor and we're getting all his business. (chanting) And grill and grill and grill and grill ---
Bob: (interrupting her) I'm doing the best I can, Lin.
Linda: Uh, that's what I'm afraid of. Ha! Work snap. Said with love. But come on, seriously, faster, faster.
(Bob groans and begins to stare at Teddy's poster above the grill.)
High Pitched Voices: Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
Bob: I get it now.
Linda: What?
Bob: Lin?
Linda: What?
Bob: I think we're gonna be okay.
Linda: Okay, keep moving.
INTERIOR - Millie's Bedroom
(Millie is sitting on her bed, Louise is standing next to Millie's bed.)
Millie: All I wanted was a friend, Louise. I'm a simple person. 
Louise: (laughing) Sorry, you're just really not, Millie.
Millie: Okay fine, but I'm good at seeing stuff you don't. Like clues about who killed Mr. Frond's dolls, or why you and I should be best friends forever.
Louise: I know. I get it. But right now, can you just please tell me who did it?
Millie: Let's talk about "Old Yeller" again. 
Louise: No, I hate that book. 
Millie: Remind me what happens at the end?
Louise: You know what happened. Because of the rabies, the boy had to shoot Yeller, his own dog.
Millie: I guess he didn't really like that dog. 
Louise: What? No. He loved him. Yeller was his dog. That's why he had to be the one to do it. He loved him so much, he had to be the one to -- (gasps).
Millie: Mm-hmm.
INTERIOR - Mr. Frond's office.
(Mr. Frond is sitting at his desk, filling out paperwork. Tina, Gene, and Louise burst in.)
Louise: (points at Mr. Frond) It was you! 
Mr. Frond: What was me?
Louise: It was someone who knew your schedule. That's you. Someone who knew where the dolls were kept. That's you again. 
Mr. Frond: (defensively) I loved those dolls. They were my dolls!
Louise: Which is why you couldn't bear to cut them, so you unraveled them. It was done out of love. Just like "Old Yeller."
Gene: Old Yellow!
Mr. Frond: (laughs awkwardly and stands up) That is so farfetched. That's just so -- (groans and runs out of the room).
Tina: Come back! You didn't finish your sentence. "That's just so" what? Oh.
**COMMERCIAL - FADE TO BLACK**
INTERIOR - Wagstaff Hallway
(Mr. Frond is running down the hallway, panting. Tina, Gene, and Louise are close behind.)
Louise: He's headed for the teachers' lounge! 
(Mr. Frond reaches the door of the teachers' lounge. Mr. Branca is outside the door, mopping)
Mr. Frond: You're not faculty. You can't come in here. (slams the door behind him)
Louise: (jiggling the door handle) Damn!
Tina: Hi, Mr. Branca. Do you have a key to the teachers' lounge? 
Mr. Branca: (sarcastically) No, it cleans itself. (laughs and unlocks the door) Here you go, everybody in.
INTERIOR - Teachers' Lounge
(Mr. Frond, Mr. Ambrose, and Ms. LaBonz are huddled together. They look panicked. Tina, Gene, and Louise enter the room.)
Tina: Okay, so the word "lounge" is kind of an exaggeration.
Gene: It's more of a waiting room for farts.
Louise: We know you did it, Mr. Frond. What I don't understand is why.
Mr. Frond: (points at Mr. Ambrose) It's his fault!
Mr. Ambrose: Hush, you worm! LaBonz, palm strike his windpipe now!
Ms. LaBonz: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's too late for violence.
Mr. Frond (points at Mr. Ambrose) He swore you kids would never read 500 books.
Mr. Ambrose: Of course I did. (gestures to Tina, Gene, and Louise) Look at them!
Mr. Frond: And then when you did, we had to stop the water park from happening.
Louise: Why?
Mr. Frond: Because we already spent the waterpark money!
Tina: On what?
Ms. LaBonz: Coffee pods. The machine was cheap, but the pods are incredibly expensive.
Louise: You monsters!
Mr. Frond: When the pods blew the budget, we tapped the water park money.
Tina: You could have drunk less coffee.
Mr. Ambrose: (yelling) No, we couldn't have, Tina!
Mr. Frond: And then we had a problem.
FLASHBACK - INTERIOR - Teachers' Lounge
(Mr. Frond, Mr. Ambrose, and Ms. LaBonz are having a conversation. Ms. LaBonz is making herself a coffee using the new coffee machine.)
Mr. Ambrose: They're getting close to 500 books. Why did we pick that number?
Ms. LaBonz: I didn't even know there were 500 books.
Mr. Frond: (freaking out) We are in so much crap if that happens.
Ms. LaBonz: I'm going to have a coconut macchiato and put on my thinking cap. (takes a sip of her coffee and spits it out) This isn't coconut! This is hazelnut!
(Flashback continues, the scene cuts to Mr. Ambrose, Mr. Frond, and Ms. LaBonz sitting around the table in the teachers' lounge.)
Ms. LaBonz: So it's settled.
Mr. Frond: You sure we can't just do some graffiti? Draw a penis on something?
Ms. LaBonz: No, it's got to be extreme. We cut up your dolls and blame a kid. I'll sharpen the paper cutter. 
Mr. Frond: (standing up) No. If it has to be done, I'll do it.
FLASHBACK ENDS
INTERIOR - Teachers' Lounge
Mr. Frond: They took hours to unravel and arrange. But I owed it to them.
Louise: Well, now that I understand everything, (turns and starts to leave the room) I'll just pop down to Principal Spoors' office and let him -- 
(Mr. Ambrose, Mr. Frond, and Ms. LaBonz protest in union)
Ms. LaBonz: Leave Spoors out of this!
Mr. Ambrose: Palm strike!
Louise: (turning back around) Of course, if we get to go to the waterpark, we may forget about everything.
Gene: I'm already starting to forget. What are we talking about?
Tina: I don't even know where I am.
Mr. Frond: Okay, we'll pay for the water park, somehow. 
Ms. LaBonz: Faculty car wash? I have a sponge.
Mr. Ambrose: Brag.
INTERIOR - Bob's Burgers
(Bob and Linda are behind the counter. Bob is carrying a dish tub and Linda is looking under the counter.)
Linda: Bob, you've been so productive. Did you organize the dirty rags under the counter?
Bob: Yeah, by smell.
Linda: Fancy pants.
Bob: And then I did an inventory in the walk-in and trimmed all my weird eyebrow hairs.
Linda: Wow.
Bob: I think it was Teddy's poster. I-It kicked in.
Linda: You soaked up its wisdom just like they're gonna soak up that hamster pee.
Bob: Oh, my God. I hope it's not too late. (starts taking off his apron.)
Linda: Me too. (Bob walks past her to get to the exit) What are we talking about?
INTERIOR - Yours Truly Stationary
(Robert, the owner of the pet store, is in the store, ripping up a poster. Teddy and Janine look on, defeated.)
Robert: Oh, yeah, these are gonna shred up nice. 
Teddy: Thanks.
(Bob and Linda enter the store)
Bob: Teddy, Janine, wait. I was inspired by your poster. I mean, not a lot, but somewhat. And I had a very productive day yesterday. 
Linda: It's true. It was like "Cocoon."
Bob: I'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't give up so quickly.
Janine: I don't know, Bob. Its been really discouraging. 
Teddy: But Janine, what would the poster tell us to do?
Janine: Um..
Teddy: (enthusiastically) What would it say, Janine?
Janine: "Hang in there?"
Linda: No, that's another poster.
Janine: "Keep on truckin'?"
Bob: Another poster, but --
Janine: It would say "Try again," maybe?
Linda: There she is.
Janine: You up for this partner?
Teddy: Still not romantic partners, I assume?
Janine: (high-pitched) No.
Teddy: I'm in anyway. People change. 
Robert: Hey, I've got an idea for a poster. It's a hamster on a wheel and it says, "I'm wheely excited."
Janine: I love it.
Teddy: (flatly, and pointing to the door) Get out.
EXTERIOR - Wetty, Set, Go Water Park
(Gene, Louise, Tina, and Millie are standing in a line, surveying the water park. Millie and Louise are wearing the same swimsuit. Tina is wearing a scuba mask that is somewhat muffling her voice.)
Louise: Well, we made it. We're Wetty, we're Setty, and we are about to Go.
Tina: (slightly muffled) Here's hoping none of us swallow band-aids today. 
(Jimmy Jr. and Zeke walk by.)
Tina: Jimmy Jr., wait up!
(Tina starts to follow Jimmy Jr. Gene starts to follow Zeke)
Gene: Zeke, what's the diarrhea sitch in the wave pool?
Zeke: It ain't exactly Evian, but it's not wavy gravy either.
Gene: Good enough.
Louise: Well Millie, that's a nice swimsuit we're wearing. We good good.
Millie: Thank you Louise. As do we.
Louise: You want to go watch the wedgies down at the big slide?
Millie: And after that we could just move in together.
Louise: Easy, easy.
Millie: Okay, 100 sleepovers.
Louise: I'll squeeze you in for a lunch.
Millie: I get to chew your food.
Louise: (disgusted) Millie.
END CREDITS
transcript added by user @seeyousoonbaboon
Category:Transcripts