Don't Fear the Roofer/Quotes

:Homer: How did it come to this? I'm the first man ever to feel depressed in a bar. I don't have a friend in the world.
:(A shatter voice speaks)
:Voice: (smiling) Look at the size of that nacho plate! (It's Ray Magini, in orange shirt and black trousers and black boots)
:Ray: I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my out in the sun.
:Homer: (surprised) HUH?! (starts laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The sun.
:Ray: Hey, you want to split this?
:Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. (They start to eat) Mine! Move your head! I can't take it!
:Ray: Hey. My name is Ray (Ray Magini). (shakes Homer's hand)
:Homer: Ray, you know mean better than everyone. How could I get my wife to love me again?
:Ray: It's me, I'm a MARGE-calculator. Just likes it and Bottom-roofer.
:(Homer thoughts it's Simpsons' house (plus) Ray Magini (equal) Marge is so happy)
:Homer: Ray, would you help me fix my roof?
:Ray: Sure, I'll help it! I had a one citation. (He holds the jug full of beer) You could help me finish the picture of beer?
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:Marge: I'm going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
:Santa's Little Helper: Huh?
:Marge: Then I'm going to take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
:Bart: Huh?
:Marge: Uh...I'll tell you what it means when it's over.
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:(Homer annoys Dr. Hibbert by eating his mouth guard before being given shock therapy)
:Homer: Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so delicious.
:Dr. Hibbert: That was rubber covered in Vaseline.
:Homer: Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.
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:(Homer walks down the street in sorrow)
:Homer: Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's only one place I'm always welcome.
:Barflies: (singing) For he's a jolly good fellow...
:Homer: Aw, guys. This is just what I needed.
:Moe: This ain't for you, sweat stain. It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends.
:Homer: So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?
:Hawking: I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesar's down the street. (He says "Pizza-pizza" until he fixes the button) Sorry, that button sticks.
:Homer: So why didn't you invite me?
:Carl: We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans.
:Homer: I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. (Lenny overhears and opens the door)
:Lenny: Surprise? What surprise? (Everybody blow their horns and get disappointed)
:Barney: Way to go, Homer!
:Moe: Ugh, six years' planning down the drain! (he throws down his party hat)
:Homer: I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. (He sits on a stool which turned out to be a cake and ruins it)
:Carl: Oh, great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it!
:(Homer is still feeling depressed, Lenny, Carl, Hawking and others glaring at him)
:Homer: (sadly) Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. (He stands up and walks towards the door)
:Moe: Wait, Homer! Don't go. (He cleans Homer's bottom with his knife over splatted cake) Okay, beat it! (shoves Homer out the door) Who wants ass frosting?
:Hawking: No thanks. I'm on Atkins.
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:Marge: How 'ya feelin', sweetie?
:Homer: Much better.
:Dr. Hibbert: Do you see anyone here who isn't here?
:Homer: Nope, just you, Marge & Yogi Bear. HA, kidding!
:Dr. Hibbert: Well, I see your sense of humor is not affected. That's a very bad sign... (Electrocutes Homer again)
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:Dr. Hibbert: (worried) Homer, can I please get knocked off?! I got surgery in the morning!
:Homer: (still angrily) Not until those gutters are clean, you don't! (Dr. Hibbert grumbles)
:Ray: So, as I was saying, Homer, Mondays, 9 o' clock, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it.
:Homer: (puzzled) What are you talking about?
:Ray: Eh, I'm just saying, catch it while you still can.
:(Both Ray and Homer laugh as the camera slowly zooms out the shot of them sitting on the roof. They start talking again as the end credits start)
:Homer: What time's this show on?
:Ray: At Monday, 9 o' clock, CBS.
:Homer: And, what's the network?
:Ray: CBS.
:Homer: At what time?
:Ray: 9 o' clock.
:Homer: And if I wanna watch it, what day?
:Ray: Monday. Monday, 9 o' clock.
:Homer: And, this is on the radio?
:Ray: No, it's television. Mondays at 9 on CBS.
:Homer: And if I wanna see it, what time should I watch it?
:Ray: 9 o' clock.
:Homer: On what channel?
:Ray: CBS.
:Homer: What day?
:Ray: Monday.
:Homer: On the radio?
:Ray: Television.
:Homer: Turn the television to what channel?
:Ray: CBS.
:Homer: At what time?
:Ray: 9 o' clock on Monday.
:Homer: Now, if I wanted to see it on a certain day, what would be the best day to see it?
:Ray: It's only on a Monday.
:Homer: And what time would be a good time...
:Ray: (Homer: ...to watch it?) 9 o' clock, from 9 to 9:30.
:Homer: So If I turn my radio on at 9 o' clock...
:Ray: Not the radio, television.
:Homer: So it's Mondays at 9 on NBC.
:Ray: CBS.
:Homer: CBS.
:Ray: 9 o' clock.
:Homer: On the radio.
:Ray: Television.
:Homer: Television at 3 o' clock.
:Hawking: (Gracie Films logo plays, and right after the shush, Stephen Hawking says the following) And we're done.
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:(Homer and his family discovers that Ray is real)
:Homer: So Ray does exist?
:Ray: That's right! now let's explore the improbable series of events which led to this amusing yet tragic farce.
:Knockers Bar Man: On the count of my eyepad, I couldn't see Ray sitting at the bar. All I saw was you, eating and drinking and talking to yourself.
:Ray: And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney.
:Ned: Oh, Jez, I thought my vision was perfect and here I was, worshiping false eyeballs.
:Bart: Wait, wait wait wait. How come at builders' barn I saw Homer talking to thin air?
:Ray: Well, that... hmm...
:Stephen Hawking: I can answer that! (Enters the room) I've been tracking a tear on the texture of space-time which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builders' Barn to create a miniature black hole. this abnormal lead interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer. (Everybody look at Lisa)
:Lisa: That seems... Feasible. (Everybody celebrates)
:Marge: Wait! There's still one last thing that doesn't makes sense! (To Ray) Why did you started fixing our roof and just disappear?
:Ray: That's easy! I'm a contractor. (Everyone laughs)
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:(Doctor Hibbert shows pictures to test Homer's reality, starts off with a picture of Marge)
:Homer: Real.
:(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Marge down to show a picture of Itchy and Scratchy)
:Homer: Not real.
:(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Itchy and Scratchy down to show a picture of Bart)
:Homer: Real.
:(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Bart down to show a picture of Robin Hood)
:Homer: Real.
:Dr. Hibbert: Oh, sorry Homer, but recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist.
:(Doctor Hibbert uses electroshock on Homer again)
:Homer: (electrocuted) Fascinating!
es:Don't Fear the Roofer/Frases