Founders' Day

Founders' Day is the third part of the twenty-part miniseries We Don't Need Your Kind Here. It aired on October 9, 2019.
== Plot ==
As the next Founders' Day of Bikini Bottom approaches, Squidward and his BBCP allies try to take advantage of the festivities, but SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs have to stop it.
== Characters ==
* SpongeBob SquarePants
* Squidward Tentacles
* Squidmatch Tentacles
* "Mr." Eugene Krabs
== Transcript ==
* [The episode begins]
* [We look at Bikini Bottom High School, where five thousand developing fish attend classes each day, and will eventually lead this fine city. Students are very happy on this particular day, as there will be a three-day weekend for Founders’ Day. Mr. Puff’s History Class is preparing for this day, and Squidmatch Tentacles is quite excited.]
* Mr. Puff: Greetings class. As we all know, tomorrow is the beginning of...raise your hands!
* [A fish in dreads named Jahfish clumsily raises his hand.]
* Jahfish: that three day weekend man, gotta light up and spit cuz i swear on jahfish y’all squidders better listen and hit that like button on my new trap remix cummin out at 4:20 pm today boyyyyy don’t forget to donate cuz my family so broke its not funny but it is
* Mr. Puff: What? Nobody cares about your album, because you’re NEVER gonna make it. You’re NEVER going to SUCCEED in life, okay. So please, be quiet.
* Jahfish: don’t lemme get started on your hairline like ya boy is thirty-five years old but acts like he’s sixty because he teaches at some stupid high school, i am gonna make it somewhere unlike you, livin’ off the state with benefits and then talking about low wages
* Mr. Puff: Be quiet, now! This weekend marks Founders’ Day, when on October 12, 1492, a bunch of fish from New Kelp City founded Bikini Bottom—
* [Mr. Puff is interrupted by the President of the Communist Club, Penelope Pufferfish]
* Penelope Pufferfish: Yeah...no. This wicked day marks the anniversary where my piece of shit ancestors showed up on a boat and said Bikini Bottom, which was under control of the indigenous, was theirs. They stole their land! They enslaved the natives! I HATE MY SELF, SOMETIMES I WANT TO SHOW UP TO ONE OF OUR CRUEL POLICE OFFICERS AND TELL THEM I DON’T BELONG. AND THEY WILL BEAT ME UP!
* Jahfish: Yo, I don’t mean to speak coherently, because apparently I’m a fricking dumbass who’s best left to die, but why are you talking so much shit about our city when you live in it. And why do you want illegal Goo Lagooners to come here if this place is so bad? Is it because...maybe this place isn’t as bad as we make it out to be?
* Penelope Pufferfish: [begins to cry] Shut up loser...you are bad! Jahfish bad!
* Mr. Puff: I have had enough! Jahfish, go to the principal’s office.
* [As Jahfish turns to leave, Penelope Pufferfish blows a raspberry on him. At that moment, some noises start to come from the back of the room…]
* Mr. Puff: Hey, what’s that noise—Squidmatch!
* Squidmatch: [jolts up] Yes?!
* Mr. Puff: What’s going on?
* Squidmatch: Nothing, Mr. Puff...I was just playing unblocked games on my phone...
* Mr. Puff: Our school launched a crackdown on these sites. Stop lying.
* Squidmatch: Well...there’s still one left! I did my homework!
* Mr. Puff: Sure. You know what, smarty pants, answer Question #1. Who was the founder of Bikini Bottom?
* Penelope Pufferfish: [interrupting] The Native Bikini Bottomites!
* Mr. Puff: Please refrain from interrupting, Penelope. Squidmatch?
* Squidmatch: Uh...um...mhm…
* [Penelope’s boyfriend, Nat, interrupts and grabs Squidmatch’s paper.]
* Nat: It’s says here that it’s a sperm cell. Everyone, the founder of Bikini Bottom IS A SPERM CELL! Forget this stupid history class, just use logic boys!
* Squidmatch: Shut up! This joke is so old!
* Nat: You don’t deserve to be class president. Penelope does! Go back to your ugly-ass house and write traps for that illiterate wannabe Jahfish!
* Penelope: Yeah!
* Squidmatch: All of you suck! Jahfish is right! Another reason why I hate this school! I’m smart but I don’t get appreciated! I just want to help and yet I get hurt!
* [Squidmatch storms out of the class, and heads home.]
* Squidmatch: [mutters] I hate school. But I also hate home. Because—
* [Squidward sees Squidmatch from a distance from the front steps.]
* Squidward: [mockingly] How was school today, Matchy? Got someone special?
* Squidmatch: Leave me alone, you piece of shit! At least I’m not an unemployed thirty-four-year-old and spends all his time smoking seaweed and ranting about politics.
* Squidward: What do you know? You don’t know anything about this world today.
* Squidmatch: I liked you better when you had a fricking job and your own house. Mom works so hard to make ends meet, and now she has another squid to feed. Be grateful at least, come on.
* Squidward: Wanna know why mom works so hard to make ends meet? BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T CARE ABOUT US!
* Squidmatch: Wrong. It’s because your BBCP membership is preventing her from getting higher education. Nobody wants the mother of someone in an organization that smuggles in armed criminals to violently overthrow the government and cause civil war.
* Squidward: You really think you’re so smart because of your 100 average in every class! You’re not going to go to college, okay! Once this bullshit year ends you will be joining me in the movement!
* Squidmatch: That is fricking slavery! And you still claim to be the “people’s man”...
* [Mama Tentacles walks outside.]
* Mama Tentacles: What are you two going on about?
* Squidward: Match is disobeying me!
* Mama Tentacles: Good! I don’t want him being a loser like you! You are a terrible brother, you know that? Now come inside and eat lunch...or else.
* [Squidmatch and Squidward enter inside to eat, where Squidmatch smirks, only for Squidward to smack him in the head. After eating, Mama Tentacles heads out for some shopping. Then suddenly, a knock on the door happens. Squidmatch answers it. It’s none other than the blasted buffoon Shellfish D. Bastard.]
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Squidmatch! Just the boy I needed!
* [Squidward immediately remembers his comments on the Fishcord chat in the previous episode.]
* Squidward: [screaming] Stop! Get your ass outta here, you fricking bastard piece of shit! If I ever see you here again, I’m gonna—
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Hold on! I have some explaining to do. My Discord account got hacked by an IP address traced to...the Krusty Krab!
* Squidward: [in shock] No wonder he discovered the plan at the Rock Bottom border!
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Indeed. Anyways, I was reading BBCP News and apparently there’s gonna be a teenager meet with the Mayor tomorrow this Founders’ Day.
* Squidward: Really? [makes eye contact for a few seconds, then looks at Squidmatch.]
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Yep. A bunch of innocent little kids meeting up with the mayor. Since they’re under eighteen, Bikini Bottom Security Regulations doesn’t require they have every part of their body scanned.
* Squidmatch: [worried] Um...guys? What are you saying?
* Squidward: Nothing much, really. It’s just that...you can meet the mayor. And I believe you’re good at wrestling...
* Squidmatch: I mean, I just got a perfect score on the test, it doesn’t necessarily mean—wait, what the bloody crap are you saying, Squidward?
* Squidward: We need you for this! This is the make-or-break moment!
* Squidmatch: I want to succeed in life! Leave me alone!
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Wait. What if I told you, we could make it worth your while?
* Squidmatch: How?
* Shellfish D. Bastard: Ever heard of the General Fish Diploma? You can graduate high school and end up getting a college degree without ever going to the classroom again! Surely, by looking at your face, I can infer that it is something you want. All you need is two adult sponsors, and Squidward and I will sign.
* Squidmatch: Well, if you put it that way...just...erm...when is this?
* [Cut to the Tentacle Home at night. The BBCP begins to organize what to do.]
* Squidward: Okay, matchy. I have downloaded a copy of the Mayors’ Meet schedule from last year, and hopefully, considering there have been no newsworthy violent events occurring lately, this would probably be the same. Hold on, let me log on to Fishcord to get the word out to the party. 
* [Squidward enters the BBCP Fishcord Server. He explains his plan.]
* Squidward: What we’re going to do is kidnap the mayor. There, I said it. No poetic English novel bullshit. THE FACTS. At nine o’clock, the mayor would close the doors to City Hall. We’re going to stage a major protest against Founders’ Day, and naturally, the fascist war criminals with the backing of the corrupt BBPD will counterprotest. This will create an effective distraction. Squidmatch will have to find a way to be alone with the Mayor, and eventually, he will give the callsign—Krusty-Krab-Sucks—and a ragtag team of BBCP members who passed Gym will barge in and kidnap him!
* Locknloaches: That plan is unbelievably stupid. Just hope those two are going to be alone, and hope the weakest people in town are going to successfully subdue the fatass mayor, let alone the police that are providing security? You do realize that there is still some security, right? Your mom was right, you never learned anything in college.
* The Terrible Turtle: I passed gym by cheating on the exam...does that count?
* Squidward: Ugh…@shellfishdbastard? Are you there? [no response] Disgraceful.
* [Cut to the Krusty Krab. Krabs and SpongeBob are looking at the Fishcord server through Shellfish D. Bastard’s Fishcord account yet again, because his new password is “eugenekrabssucks”.]
* Mr. Krabs: I must say, that damn fool isn’t giving up. How am I supposed to—I got it. SpongeBob, you’re a kid, right?
* SpongeBob: Actually sir, I’m thirty-seven.
* Mr. Krabs: Mentally.
* SpongeBob: I am a goofy goobering kid! I’ll be there tomorrow morning!
* Mr. Krabs: Good! Now have some rest!
* [SpongeBob joyfully skips his way out of the Krusty Krab.]
* Mr. Krabs: [muttering] What a fricking sycophant. Squidnerd,I really hope this series isn’t gonna be some Leave It To Beaver bullshit. This isn’t the fifties. The audience isn’t boomers. Well, I’d be surprised if anyone at all is reading this crap. But you know what really annoys me, I didn’t even need the New Kelp City anarchists. But uh...they do have cool gadgets…
* [The next day. Squidward and Squidmatch are outside City Hall. There is a fierce protest going on, and both sides of the spectrum are involved.]
* BBCP Supporter: YOU RIGHT WINGERS SUCK! JUSTICE FOR THE NATIVES! I WILL FIRE MY SEAWEED FART SMELL!
* Fascist: TIS YOU WHO SUCKS! DISGUSTING FOOL!
* BBPD Officer: You damn fools chill out now, we have weapons! Of course, we’re only going to fire at the communists, because they are inciting violence!
* BBCP Supporter: You deserve it, scum—
* [BBCP Supporter attempts to slap the Officer, only for a group of them to pin him down. Meanwhile, Squidward and Squidmatch explain the plan.]
* Squidward: Remember the callsign when you’re in the office?
* Squidmatch: Um...what?
* Squidward: [facepalms] It’s Krabby-Patty-Sucks.
* Squidmatch: Krabby-Patty-Rocks?
* Squidward: [facepalms harder] It’s Krabby-Patty-Su—you know what! Just say go, you idiot!
* Squidmatch: Okay, okay! Jeez!
* [9 AM. Teenagers from Bikini Bottom enter City Hall with the Mayor, who takes them down the main hallway.]
* Mayor: Greetings, future voters! What you are looking at is history! First off, we look at the founder of Bikini Bottom. Can anyone tell me who that is?
* Penelope Pufferfish: The native Bikini Bottomites!
* Mayor: Indeed, I will say that it’s a major dispute going on. You saw those protests going outside? Those hooligans—I mean, concerned citizens—are protesting the official status of Christopher Fishoumbus. Yes, I know. Horrible name devised in three seconds.
* Penelope Pufferfish: His parents were damn fools for that name, and also for releasing a genocidal maniac who killed millions of innocent natives! Also, about those protestors, are they members of the Bikini Bottom Communist Party?
* Mayor: Yes they are. Our legislature is currently passing legislation that would declare them a terrorist organization.
* Penelope Pufferfish: Screw you! They are freedom fighters! The only thing I hate is that you probably can’t join the action until you turn eighteen!
* Squidmatch: [jokingly muttering] Nah....
* Mayor: Well, if you desire to remove the stability that built this roof over your head, then you can leave now!
* Penelope Pufferfish: Loser!
* [Penelope Pufferfish, as well as all her smart friends, leave the building. Amazingly that leaves Squidmatch and the Mayor the only ones there.]
* Mayor: Thank goodness! I hate liberals, let alone communists! But I’m quite surprised that they obey the law when it comes to joining a movement. Between you and me—I watch Fishy Bones’ InfoFish daily—and I’ve heard that they are illegally recruiting minors! My wife always told me to stop watching him, he’s a damn fool, blah blah.
* Squidmatch: Well…
* [Squidmatch and the Mayor enter the Office. Squidmatch silently turns his radio on.]
* Squidmatch: [whispering on the radio] Are you there?
* Squidward: Yes. We’re protesting—but give us the call sign first. After that, half of us will go full soviet and the other half will barge in and drive him away! The damn fool police won’t understand what even happened! Victory!
* Squidmatch: [whispering on the radio] Calm down! Just wait—
* Mayor: You know, my wife is a real blasted buffoon. I suspect she’s cheating on me. Not that I’ve been cheating on her, of course. But a woman should always stay loyal. We live in a age-based patriarchy, son, and the adult male makes all the decisions.
* Squidmatch: Um, what’s that supposed to mean?
* Mayor: It means—
* [SpongeBob crashes in the window.]
* SpongeBob: Prepare to die, filthy communist!
* [SpongeBob fires the mystery weapon. It’s the same type of box that sucked in the Rock Bottom Militant! All three get sucked in to the void. Ten minutes pass, and not a single response coming from Squidmatch on the radio, or even a noise from the room.]
* Squidward: Damn fool. Eh, I don’t care. He’s still a minor. I’ll pick him up tonight and these pathetic fools will drop the charges. [walks away and takes out a pack of seaweed]
* [Episode ends.]
== Trivia ==
* Founders' Day is a parody of Columbus Day, which is also a hotly contested holiday.
* The episode was originally set to air on October 10, but was released a day early due to Squidnerd's block for unorthodox actions committed during his 2017-18 administrative tenure.