Episode 321: Roger Miller/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 321: Roger Miller.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Roger 	Come in.
Scooter	Roger Miller! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Miller.
Roger 	Okay. Thank you, Scooter. Seems kinda quiet around here for a Muppet show. When do things start jumping?
Scooter	Oh, just about... now!
 	
 	The furniture starts jumping. A kangaroo joins them.
Roger 	Okay, okay! (giggles) Next question: when do they stop?
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
Waldorf	Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us.
 	
 	Butterflies fly out of Gonzo's horn.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, we're going to do it again. Here we are and welcome to it, it is The Muppet Show. I'm Kermit the Frog, and our special guest star is the one and only, sure to please or guarantee your money back, Mr. Roger Miller. But first... But first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower, as it sailed for the New World in 1620. What must it have been like? Uh, probably not like this.
 	Open on the open sea, where the Mayflower floats.
Voice (DG) 	Hey, this is terrible.
Voice (JN) 	Take heart, my friend.
Voice (DG) 	Take heart? Sixty-six days we've been on this terrible boat. Where're we going?
Voice (JN) 	Where're we going? I'll tell you where we're going.
Voice (DG) 	Tell us!
 	
 	A gang of Pilgrim penguins sing "Alabamy Bound" and tap-dance. One penguin looks through a telescope at car-shaped islands.
Penguin (RH)	Land ho! We've arrived in the new world! It's Plymouth Rock. And look over there, Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock! It's the promised land!
Penguins 	We're Alabamy bound!
 	Some penguins start leaping off the ship. Applause.
Waldorf 	You know, I thought the Pilgrim fathers were against show business.
Statler 	They were against entertainment. This doesn't count.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The penguins pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, very nice, pilgrims. Nice going, penguins. It is the Pilgrim Penguins.
 	One penguin sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Kermit 	(not looking) Gesunheit.
Chicken (SW)	Thank you.
Kermit 	(gasp) Wait a second. Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago?
Chicken (SW)	(gasp) Yeah. What happened?
Kermit 	I don't know, but there's somebody who might. Gonzo!
 	
Gonzo 	(WHOOSH!) Yes, Kermit?
Kermit 	Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.
Gonzo 	Uh, well, I like to think so.
Kermit 	Uh, okay. Well, look at this right here.
Gonzo 	Wow. (pets the chicken) Hey, you're kind of, uh, new around here, aren't you?
Kermit 	Gonzo! A minute ago, this chicken was a penguin.
Gonzo 	(backs away) YUCHH! Gosh.
Kermit 	So how could this have happened?
Gonzo 	Ah — I think I know.
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	Well, it looks to me like an outbreak of... And I could use a dramatic sting here…
Kermit 	Gonzo! Never mind the dramatic sting. An outbreak of what?
Gonzo 	An outbreak of... Cluckitis!
 	A dramatic sting plays.
Kermit 	Cluck — Cluckitis?
Gonzo 	Yes. It's where anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.
Kermit 	Anybody?
Gonzo 	Yes, isn't it terrific?
 	
 	The Swedish Chef comes out of his dressing room. He sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Kermit 	There's another one. Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this.
Gonzo 	Well, gee, that won't be easy.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show. Just act normal. (goes onstage)
Gonzo 	That won't be easy, either.
=="In the Summertime"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Oh, boy. It looks like it'll be one of those evenings. But if we're lucky, it'll be one of these evenings! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the King of the Road, Mr. Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
 	
 	Roger Miller sings "In the Summertime" amidst a patch of music playing watermelons.
Roger 	Marvelous. Thank you all. It was so lovely.
Statler 	Arthur! Arthur!
Waldorf 	Don't you mean "Author, author"?
Statler 	His name's Arthur. Arthur Miller.
Waldorf 	No, it's Roger Miller.
Statler 	Oh.
Statler & Waldorf	Roger! Roger!
==Backstage==
 	The watermelons go backstage. Kermit sees a chicken at his desk.
Kermit 	Uh... Uh, hey. Ahem. Have you always been a chicken?
 	The chicken takes offense and walks away.
Scooter	Been working pretty hard, huh, boss? Maybe you need a vacation.
Kermit 	You... You heard, huh?
Scooter	Yeah, do you wanna talk about it?
Kermit 	Uh — maybe a little later, Scooter.
Scooter	Oh, okay — (sneezes, turns into a chicken)
Kermit 	Scooter!
 	
Scooter	Do you wanna talk about it now?
Kermit 	Well, uh, listen, you'll never understand this, but... people are suddenly turning into chickens!
Scooter	No! (Kermit nods) Er, Cluckitis, huh?
 	The dramatic sting plays.
Kermit 	Look, I don't want the rest of the cast to know about this, Scooter. Just don't say anything, huh?
Scooter	Yeah, but as soon as I talk they'll know.
Kermit 	Well, so don't talk. From now on, just make chicken sounds. I'm going upstairs, uh, just a second, to see how things are upst... Wait a minute, Scooter, what's on next?
Scooter	Oh, uh... Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck?
Kermit 	Scooter!
Scooter	Bear on Patrol.
 	Kermit leaves.
Scooter	(shrugs) He told me to talk like a chicken.
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening montage plays.
Announcer 	And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
 	Fozzie brings a pig into the station.
Fozzie 	All right, you. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Pig (DG) 	Ouch! Lighten up.
Fozzie 	Come on. Sir! Sergeant, I have just captured this dastardly criminal.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, ho! What's the charge?
Fozzie 	Assaulting an officer.
 	A dramatic sting plays. They all look around.
Link Hogthrob	Sir. Did you actually strike this poor patrol bear while he was out ridding the world of evil?
Pig (DG) 	Oh... I don't know what come over me.
Fozzie 	Hah.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, what a report this will make. I'd like a complete and accurate description of everything you did.
Pig (DG) 	Complete?
Link Hogthrob	And totally accurate.
Fozzie 	What the pig said.
 	
Pig (DG) 	Okay. First I kicked him in the shins. Thusly. (kicks him)
Fozzie 	In the shins, he did. Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt! Oh, not again. That — like last time. (groans)
Link Hogthrob	(writing) "… kicked him in the shins … thusly". Is that... is that exactly how you did it?
Pig (DG) 	Well, not exactly. Really it was more like this. Harder.
Fozzie 	Harder?
 	The pig kicks him harder.
Fozzie 	Oh, not again... Oh, the other one! (groans)
Link Hogthrob	(writes) Okay. Very good. Uh-huh. And then what?
Pig (DG) 	Oh. Well, and then I punched him in the jaw. (punches him)
Fozzie 	Wait. You don't have to do tha—AHH! (groans)
Link Hogthrob	(writing) "… punched him in the jaw".
Fozzie 	Wait a minute. This is not right.
Pig (DG) 	No, you're right. First I punched you in the jaw... (does so)
Fozzie 	Whoa!
Pig (DG) 	...and then I kicked you. (does so)
Fozzie 	You wha... Whoa!
Pig (DG) 	Yeah. Thank you.
Fozzie 	(groans)
Link Hogthrob	Thank you very much. Accuracy is important.
Pig (DG) 	Yeah, well the next thing, was I grabbed him by the collar and I made squishy-squishy with his nose.
Fozzie 	Oh, no. Not that again. Please don't.
 	
 	He grabs Fozzie by the collar and squeezes his nose.
Pig (DG) 	Come on.
Link Hogthrob	(writing) "… squishy-squishy... with his nose".
Pig (DG) 	Squishy-squishy.
Fozzie 	Oh, don't do that! Don't do that …
Link Hogthrob	Uh, wait a second, wait a second. Hold on... Patrol Bear. I think this is all a mistake.
Fozzie 	Well, how do you mean?
Link Hogthrob	Well, this man has been very cooperative with the police.
Fozzie 	What?
Link Hogthrob	I don't think we should press charges. Sir, you are free to go.
Fozzie 	He's wha...?
Pig (DG) 	Thank you very much. (to Fozzie) Thank you.
 	He exits. Fozzie gets up, worse for the wear.
Link Hogthrob	Patrol Bear...
Fozzie 	What?
Link Hogthrob	You're a mess. Can't you do something about your appearance?
 	
 	Fozzie sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Link Hogthrob	Hmm. That will do very nicely, Patrol Bear.
 	The closing music plays.
==Backstage==
 	Robin attempts to catch a fly.
Robin 	Aw, missed. — Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit!
Kermit	Yeah?
Robin 	Is it true there's an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theatre, and we're all turning into chickens?
Kermit	Uh, yes — yes, it is true, Robin. But uh, be quiet about it 
'cause I don't want to spread the news around. Especially, I don't want to worry Roger about it.
Robin 	Oh.
Kermit	So — I mean — it's really very embarrassing.
Robin 	Yeah. I understand, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah, so whatever you do, if you see Roger, do not tell him that we're turning into chickens.
Robin 	Okay.
Roger 	(scats) … Hi, guys. What's happening?
Robin 	Uh, we're not turning into chickens!
 	Awkward pause.
Roger 	I see... So you're not turning into chickens, huh?
Kermit	Right.
 	
 	Roger giggles. Robin sneezes and turns into a little chick. Kermit tries to save face.
Kermit	Uh, well, hmm... Listen, uh, goodbye, Robin! Uh, hello, little chicken. (leads him away) Come on, let me show you to your coop.
Robin 	Peep peep!
Kermit	I'll just introduce you, Roger.
Roger 	Well … I think I'll go on stage and not turn into a turkey.
=="Hat"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh, Roger Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems particularly appropriate to our show. Here he is with one of them, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.
 	
 	Roger and three Whatnots sing "Hat." The Whatnots sneeze and turn into chickens.
==UK spot==
	
	Muppets in a bar sing "Down at the Old Bull and Bush." A cow enters at the end to chase them all away.
==Dressing room==
Roger 	(singing) Rawhide …
 	A knock on the door.
Roger 	Come in.
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, Roger. Are you busy?
Roger 	Oh, no, Kermit, come on in.
Kermit 	Well, you know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you, but uh, things have been a little hectic around here today.
Roger 	Oh, I understand. How's the show going, really?
Kermit 	(stammers) Uh … fine. Fine.
Roger 	Oh? Any problems?
Kermit 	No, no... Smoothest show ever.
Roger 	Good. Glad to hear it.
Kermit 	We're looking forward to your final number.
Roger 	Oh, good. I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it.
Kermit 	What? What? Why!?
Roger 	Oh, I just mean stage nerves. You know, I always get them.
Kermit 	Oh, oh, good.
Roger 	Good?
Kermit 	Well, I mean, good that a big star like you, uh, uh, still gets chickens — I mean, butterflies!
Lew Zealand	(a chicken) Hey, Kermit, hee-hee, you'll never guess what happened. (giggles)
 	
Roger 	Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Isn't — isn't that Lew Zealand?
Kermit 	Uh, uh... No.
Lew Zealand	Yeah!
Roger 	That chicken suit really looks convincing.
Lew Zealand	Oh, glad you like it. Hee-hee-hee.
Roger 	Golly. Say, tell me something, Lew, are you still, uh, doing that, what you call the boomerang, uh, the fish... boomerang fish act, is what it is.
Lew Zealand	Oh, yeah, sure, but I've had to make a couple of changes.
Roger 	What kind of changes?
Lew Zealand	Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act.
Roger 	I see. How's it go?
Lew Zealand	Yeah, you see, I throw the eggs away...
 	He tosses three eggs, and several eggs are thrown back at him. Kermit and Roger try to dodge them. Kermit exits.
 	
Roger 	I gotta say it. These are the yolks, folks.
Lew Zealand	Eggs-actly.
 	They both laugh. Roger hugs Lew.
=="Pop Goes the Weasel"==
	
	Rowlf the Dog plays "Pop Goes the Weasel." Just before the weasel "pops," Rowlf sneezes and turns into a chicken.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit comes backstage and sees a lot of chickens.
Kermit 	Oh, boy. (through the intercom) Uh, Veterinarian's Hospital, next. Veterinarian's Hospital. Uh, Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Yes, Kermit. (chuckles) Hello, ladies. Ha ha …
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Gonzo 	… you're chickens, oh, that's so great — Yes, what?
Kermit 	Yeah, listen — Gonzo, do you have that list of everybody who's turned into a chicken?
 	
Gonzo 	Oh, I sure do, Kermit. Right — right here.
Kermit 	Okay, let's see.
Gonzo 	Well, so far it's uh, Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Floyd, Janice, Lew Zealand...
 	One chicken comes between them.
Kermit 	Will you get out of here, chicken.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh yeah? Chicken this! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him and walks away. He gets up.
Kermit 	Uh — you wanna add one more name to that list? (faints)
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Miss Piggy, now a chicken, enters the operating room. Rowlf and Janice are also chickens.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
Miss Piggy 	Cluck, cluck.
Announcer 	The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	More like a dog that's gone to the quacks. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	Oh, fer sure.
Miss Piggy 	Dr. Bob, chickens do not quack.
Rowlf 	They do when they're young.
Miss Piggy 	They do?
Rowlf 	Sure. If you drop an egg, it'll quack. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	Oh, wow. Dr. Bob, are you ready for the first patient?
Rowlf 	No, I'm ready for the second patient.
Janice 	Well, what's the matter with the first patient?
Rowlf 	I don't know. That's why I want the second patient.(laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	Ohh, rully. (brings in another chicken) Here — here she is, Dr. Bob.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, no! Another chicken.
Rowlf 	Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens, we're going to be here twenty-four hours.
Miss Piggy 	What do you mean?
Rowlf 	We'll have to work around the cluck. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy 	Ha! The cluck!
Janice 	Oh, rully.
Announcer 	And so, we come to the end of anotherVeterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
 	
Miss Piggy 	Dr. Bob, shall we give the chicken a transfusion?
Rowlf 	No, that won't do.
Janice 	Well — what will do?
Rowlf 	Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Janice 	Oh, rully. Fer sure.
 	The chickens all laugh and flap as the closing music plays.
Statler 	These chickens sure make for a different show.
Waldorf 	Yeah. But it'll all add up to the same old turkey.
Statler & Waldorf	(laugh) Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. (laugh)
==Roger's medley==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on tonight, ladies and gentlemen, but I think everything is now under control as we once again present our very special guest... Ah... Ah...
 	He sneezes and turns into a chicken with a green collar.
Kermit 	Oh no — oh, darn. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.
 	
 	Roger Miller sings a medley of songs with the chicken-ized Muppets, starting with "You Had a Do Wacka Do".
Roger 	One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song … ahem …
 	He continues with "Dang Me".
Rooster (FO)	One more time!
Chickens 	(clucking in rhythm)
Roger 	(continues song) … One more time.
Chickens 	(clucking in rhythm)
 	He continues with "My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died".
Roger 	For those of you who just might happen to be into buffaloes …
 	He concludes with "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd". Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	(still a chicken) Okay, well, we've just about reached the end of our show, and I must say it has been a "fowl" one. Ahem. But, before we go, this is Kermit the Chicken asking for one last round of applause for our guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
 	Applause as he comes out.
Roger 	Thank you. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit, you have turned into a chicken, haven't you?
 	
Kermit 	Oh, it is so humiliating, Roger. Everybody has.
Roger 	You know... You know what it is? I think you have cluckitis.
Kermit 	What?! You've heard of cluckitis?
Roger 	Oh, I had it one time. But it's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit. Because, in a few days, it'll go, it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.
Gonzo 	(WHOOSH!) But until then, you'll look great!
Kermit 	Gonzo! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Roger laughs. The credits roll. The orchestra has been replaced with chickens for the closing theme. Statler and Waldorf, on the other hand, have turned into possums.
Waldorf 	I bet you were expecting chickens!
Statler 	Woof, woof, woof!
Statler & Waldorf	(laugh)
Waldorf 	Woof, woof.
Statler 	Woof, woof.
 	
 	
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts