Burns' Heir/Quotes

:Nelson: Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
:Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
:Martin: [Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ring, ring, ring went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings...
:[Nelson punches Martin in stomach]
:Martin: OW!
:Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
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:[A deprogrammer has just finished forcing 'Bart' into forgetting Mr Burns and coming back to the Simpson family]
:Deprogrammer: Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back.
:[Hans Moleman walks out]
:Hans Moleman: Mom, Dad, I missed you.
:Homer: [sighing with relief Homer kisses Hans Moleman on the head]
:Marge: Homer, that's Hans Moleman.
:Homer: Can I keep him anyway, huh, huh?
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:[Mr. Burns attempts to prove to Bart that his family does not love him, and shows him a scripted version of a false Simpsons residence]
:Homer actor: [stilted, voice unlike Homer's] I do not miss Bart at all.
:Marge actress: [voice unlike Marge's] I am glad he's gone.
:Lisa actor: [monotone] As am I.
:[Homer actor drops his sandwich]
:Homer Actor: B'oh!
:Bart: It's probably my imagination, but, something about them doesn't seem quite right.
:Mr. Burns: Really? Excuse me for just a moment. [walks into a secret room where the actors are] People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh!", he says [goes through script] "D'oh!"
:[the actors peel off their latex Simpsons masks to reveal their actual faces; the Homer actor resembles Michael Caine, and the Lisa actor is the Estonian Dwarf]
:Homer Actor: Sorry M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of a neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?!
:Marge actress: And this dialog has none of the wit and sparkle of .
:Lisa actor: Hey, you know we're about getting into golden time.
:Mr. Burns: Yes. Well just get it right, or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theatre.
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:[Bart and Lisa are dejected after failing at their auditions to become Mr. Burns' heir]
:Marge: (to Homer) I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?
:Homer: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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:Lionel Hutz: As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.
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:Homer Actor: Duh-Oh!
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:(After the THX Screen)
:Abe: Turn it up! TURN IT UP!
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:Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
:Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
:Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool...
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:Bart: (reading Homer's written cue cards) Hello, Mr... Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick.
:Homer: Oooh, he card-reads good.
:Bart: So pick please me, Mr. Burns.
:Homer: It's Kurns, stupid!
:Marge: No, it's not.
:Homer: (to Bart) Disregard.
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:Lenny: (pleading for his job without using the letter "e") I'm a good work... guy...
:Mr. Burns: You're fired, Leonard.
:Lenny: But I didn't say...
:Mr. Burns: You will (pulls trap door lever).
:Lenny: (falls and screams) Eeeeeeee!
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:Bart: And I had the greatest time! Mr. Burns' house has everything: a hedge-maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors, and a bottomless pit.
:Lisa: It couldn't possibly be bottomless.
:Bart: Well, for all intents and purposes.
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:Marge: [to Chief Wiggum] I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son and he won't give him back!
:Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g... can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
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:Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
:Marge: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
:Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
:Marge: What about Peter Fonda?
:Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
:Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.
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