High Heroes in a Half Shell/Script

Nice Peter: Last time on Total Drama ERB, our contestants had to dress up.
EpicLLOYD: Imagine if we had to dress up. We’d look ridiculous!
Nice Peter: Yeah, when would we ever dress up?
EpicLLOYD: Imagine me dressing up as Adam…or you as Lady Gaga… *shudder*
Nice Peter: Yeah, I’d never do that. Ever.
*Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD look at the camera for an awkward length of time, then talk again*
EpicLLOYD: So, in the end, the fashion show became a crash-ion show, and Master Chief revealed that he was actually some random ginger named Napoleon.
Nice Peter: Now our guinea pigs must fight to the death, or close enough to the point its entertaining, at least, to impress some friends of ours.
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama-
*George Watsky barges into view with Zach Sherwin*
George Watsky: Alright, put your hands up! The peasant and I are taking over!
Zach Sherwin: God dammit, George, I told you NOT to call me that!
*The scene transitions to the Massive Failure’s house, where Napoleon is sleeping on a couch*
Michael Jordan: Hey man, get up. I need to game real quick.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when did they have games here?
Michael Jordan: Since I packed them, jewfro. I always gotta be on my game, if you get my vibe.
Napoleon Dynamite: You like to game, do…did you really bring your games to say that?
Michael Jordan: Yup.
*Miley Cyrus walks into the house, carrying trays of food and a giant cake*
Miley Cyrus: I got the food!
*Edgar Allan Poe runs down from the stairs*
Edgar Allan Poe: That be food, fo shizzle? I’m hungry, fo rizzle!
Michael Jordan: For what now?
*Edgar Allan Poe takes a tray, sits next to Napoleon, and eats his food quickly and sloppily*
Edgar Allan Poe: I think I’ve received the most awful curse: When my stomach lacks food, my words turn for the worse!
*Justin Bieber walks down the stairs, rinsing and spitting with toothpaste into a trash can*
Justin Bieber: Seriously, Jordan, watch where you put your strap!
Michael Jordan: Excuse me? I always put the strap on the foot of my bed!
Justin Bieber: Then why the HELL is it on my toothbrush?
(Confessional) Muhammad Ali:…third time’s a charm?
*Miley Cyrus begins handing out trays*
Miley Cyrus: Michael Jordan, here’s yours…
Michael Jordan: Watch the controls, girl!
Miley Cyrus: Justin, yours is at the table.
Justin Bieber: I’d rather starve.
Miley Cyrus: Adam, Ali and Tyson’s are at the table…and Napoleon…
*Miley Cyrus hands Napoleon the tray with the cake on it*
Miley Cyrus: Here’s yours.~
Michael Jordan: Damn girl, the hell’d you get that from?
(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: I’m sure Peter and Lloyd could do without one cake…and one wall…and a wrecking ball…
Napoleon Dynamite:…well, this is really nice, Miley, but I’m not hungry right now…just put it somewhere that I can eat it later, okay?
Miley Cyrus:…okay…
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh, I feel like an asshole. I’m truly not hungry right now. I’ll try and make sure she knows I’m actually going to eat it.
Napoleon Dynamite: Say, Jordan, what are you playing, anyways?
Michael Jordan: Shaq-Fu.
George Watsky (via Intercom): Motherfuckers, time challenge!
*The scene cuts to the teams standing in an arena*
Zach Sherwin: Alright, guys. Today you’re going to choose 5 team mates. That’s all I’m going to say, leave it at that. You have ten minutes, okay? Begin.
*The teams begin to panic as they choose their players*
Team Massive Failures
Michael Jordan: Anyone but Ali, okay?
Justin Bieber: Wait…aren’t we in an arena? With a ring? You know, a boxing ring?
Muhammad Ali: I’m hella in this.
Michael Jordan: Me too, so I can kick his ass.
Edgar Allan Poe: That’s two, we need three others to pick, so our team succeeds this tournament!
Justin Bieber: I say Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Why me?
Justin Bieber: You’re new to our team and all, I think it’s only fair…
Napoleon Dynamite: Judging by the looks of things, I don’t think I’ll be much of a help here without my suit-
Justin Bieber: Oh, sorry! I forgot about your suit! My bad!
Napoleon Dynamite:-but eh, what the hell. I’m not going to stand here like a moron and do nothing.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Part of me wants to get rid of him now, but part of me wants to keep him so I know I’ll never be out.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I call dibs on the hot girl who walks around in the bikini. You know, the one with the “Round number” signs…
Justin Bieber: Ew, no.
Muhammad Ali: Neil, I think you should use your cosmos stuff to fight!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Nah, my makeup is for looks only.
Adam: Hey, I could always-
Michael Jordan: Eh, Poe and Justin will do.
Justin Bieber: Fuck!
Adam: Darn.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Now I have to make sure Napoleon loses for sure! I’m a sore thumb on someone’s FOOT! Sure as HELL I’m gonna stick out!
(Confessional) Adam: I only want to do this to impress Eve. Well, I guess I could always impress her with sportsmanship?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Hey Adam, I think if they don’t choose me, that you’d make a good girl in a bikini…I mean, you got half the outfit…
Adam: Are you hitting on me?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Please, you wish you could get someone as good as me to like you.
Adam: Eh, depending on how you look at it, I guess…I wonder if Eve has feelings towards me.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Sista, listen here. You want Eve, correct? Well, then get out of your panties, and into her panties!
Adam: But I don’t have her underwear…
Neil deGrasse Tyson: It’s a metaphor, you imbecile! Get yourself some of her Forbidden Fruit. Just don’t bite. Unless she finds that hot.
Adam:…wow, thanks?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: What?
Adam: Were you trying to help me?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: With what?
Adam: Forget it.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I already did.
Team Epic Winners
Al Capone: I want a piece of this action.
Bob Ross: I’m in.
Cleopatra: Eve, babe, you’re fighting. Okay?
Eve:..uh, what?
Cleopatra: Didn’t you hear Ali? We’re fighting. I can’t risk an injury, or ruining my hair.
Eve: Yeah, it’d be a shame if your hair became a mess.
Cleopatra: Also, look at these breasts! They’re too perfect, they’d get in the way!
Al Capone: I don’t think scarabs get in the way…
Adolf Hitler: Those are some nice boobs!
Cleopatra: Watch it, dickless-tater.
Al Capone: So it’s me, Eve, and Turtle over here. We need two more people. But who?
Adolf Hitler: Me!
Darth Vader: Well, I can’t fight…I have a suit…
Cleopatra: Don’t look at me!
Adolf Hitler: I can’t help it…
Darth Vader: Uh, Zach, sir?
Zach Sherwin: Yeah?
Darth Vader: We only have four people who can actually fight…
Zach Sherwin: Okay, one second.
*Zach Sherwin grabs a megaphone*
Zach Sherwin: ADAM, YOU’RE ON TEAM EPIC WINNERS!
Adam: What?
Darth Vader:…you could have just fixed up the rules, you know…
Zach Sherwin: Since Adam is being a little crybaby piece of shit about not being able to fight, he’s fighting for this team over here! Winners get him on their team in the end!
Justin Bieber: Well, we could always win him back.
Adam: Eh, this is something.
(Confessional) Adam: At least I get to impress Eve…or vice versa…I hope I don’t mess it up for her team. She’d get mad…but her cheeks when she’s mad…they just puff out like a chipmunk…
*Adam walks over to the Epic Winners and stands by Eve and Al Capone*
Adam:…oh, hello again, Eve…fancy this…
Eve:…yeah…
Bob Ross: Adam, what is your opinion on turtles?
Adam:...you’re pretty…
Bob Ross: Well, I’m flattered.
Eve: I-I am?
Cleopatra: No, you look like a bitch.
Bob Ross: I smell turtles…
Al Capone: You smell anything you pull outta your ass, don’t you pube-fro?
Zach Sherwin: Now, to start the fights! And to introduce the challenge hosts…
*Zach Sherwin pulls a chord, revealing 4 turtles behind a curtain*
Zach Sherwin: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Donatello: Cowabunga!
Bob Ross: GAH!
(Confessional) Bob Ross: GAH!
Zach Sherwin: These four will referee the fights, and I guess that’s it. Well, I’m going to go have some cake now. Turtles, it’s in your hands!
Bob Ross: GAH!
Al Capone: You alright?
Cleopatra: I think he’s constipated. I don’t know, artists are weird.
Michelangelo: Alright, dudes! Today we’re going fight, bros!
Bob Ross: NO!
Raphael: So, you guys will have 1 minute to fight each other, and the winning team gets a prize!
Leonardo: Pizza, bros!
Bob Ross: AUGH!
Donatello (to Raphael): The hell is his problem?
Raphael (to Donatello): No clue, bro.
Michelangelo: First up is fedora guy and basketball guy!
Al Capone: Thanks for taking the time to learn our names, assholes…
*Michael Jordan and Al Capone step into the ring to fight*
Adam: Well, this shall be interesting.
Eve: Yep.
Cleopatra: I know I’M interesting. I mean look at me. For one, I’ve got nice, tan leg-
*Cleopatra looks down at her leg to see Bob Ross holding it and sucking his thumb*
Cleopatra: What the hell are you doing?
Bob Ross: The turtles…they’ve come for me…
Cleopatra: I’d ask what you’re smoking, but I’m afraid I’d get a real answer.
Bob Ross: Must…not…listen to them…they’ll make me worse!
Cleopatra: If you don’t listen to me and get off my leg, I’ll make your whole life worse!
Bob Ross: They’re getting to you!
(Confessional) Bob Ross: The turtles are getting to people already! *puts on tin foil hat* I need to make more of these…me and Lennon made ones for each other, in case the aliens came to abduct and probe us, but the turtles are just as bad! Turtles, I won’t let you win!
*The scene cuts to the ring*
Michelangelo: Ready…set…go!
*Bob Ross runs off*
Al Capone: Let’s dance, M.J.
Michael Jordan: I don’t swing that way, dude.
*Al Capone grabs Michael Jordan by the arm and twists it behind him so the back of his hand is touching below his neck, and his arm is pressed against him*
Michael Jordan: Hey, that’s my throwing arm!
Al Capone: Oops, my bad. Let me fix it.
*Al Capone grabs his other arm and does the same thing*
Michael Jordan: Son of a bitch!
Donatello: Well, because I’m pretty sure this should break his arms, fedora guy wins to save time and bones!
Michelangelo: Remember kids, be safe while fighting!
*Michael Jordan walks down to where Ali, Bieber and Dynamite are standing*
Muhammad Ali: Ha, los-
Michael Jordan: Can it, glove boy.
Justin Bieber: Ali, go out there and get us a win, because its obvious ball boy over here can’t do it.
Michelangelo: Up next, ginger guy and the girl in the leaves!
Justin Bieber: Break a leg out there, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s not something you say to someone going into a fight…
Justin Bieber: Is it now?
*Eve and Napoleon Dynamite step into the ring to fight*
Napoleon Dynamite: Okay, I feel really uncomfortable about this.
Eve: Oh, it’s okay, you can fight me, I won’t hold it against you.
Adam (next to the ring): Go Eve! Woo!
Miley Cyrus (next to the ring): Napoleon, you go!
Michelangelo: Ready…set…go!
*Napoleon awkwardly jumps around to avoid Eve’s punches, while trying to figure out a good place to hit her*
Justin Bieber: Pathetic!
Napoleon Dynamite: I feel uncomfortable hitting a girl!
Adam: Eve, knock him out!
Edgar Allan Poe: I need something to eat right now, because my mood is feeling down!
Eve: Come on, Napoleon! Just hit me!
Donatello: 5 seconds, dudes!
*Napoleon punches Eve square in the face, causing her nose to start bleeding and break*
Napoleon Dynamite: Oh my gosh! I’m sorry, Eve! I didn’t mean to do that!
Eve:…it’s okay…
*Eve steps off while holding her nose with her hands. Adam helps her down and immediately hugs her*
Adam: Holy shit Eve, are you okay?
Eve: Just a bloody nose…
Cleopatra: I think I heard a crunch when the fist hit you.
Eve: It doesn’t hurt that much…okay…it hurts a lot.
*Eve puts her head on Adam’s chest and begins to cry*
Adam: It’s okay, Eve…I’m here for you.
*Leonardo pulls Eve away and begins to walk her away from the arena*
Leonardo: Sorry, bro, but this chick needs to go to the infirmary, stat!
Adam: God dammit…
 *the camera cuts to Napoleon and Bieber*
Justin Bieber: Dude, you just punched a girl! In the face!
Napoleon Dynamite: I didn’t mean to hurt her like that!
Justin Bieber: You’re almost as bad as Hitler, dude!
Adolf Hitler: Hey!
Napoleon Dynamite: I know how you work. You’re not going to piss me off with this, Bieber.
Justin Bieber: Okay, suit yourself. But know this. I’m going to make it further than you in this. You’re an unlikable nerd with a voice not even a mother could love, and a face horses would make fun of. To me, you’re a stepping stool. I’ve stepped over you once, I’m not afraid to do it again.
Edgar Allan Poe: I must…eat…some…kind of…treat…or…my grammar…will taste defeat! GAH!
Donatello: Starving dude against panties man, the prize of the fight!
Adam: Alright, time to lay some smack down for Eve!
Cleopatra: How about some for me, darling?
Al Capone: Anyone notice the lack of a turtle lover?
Cleopatra: Probably ran off. Who cares?
Al Capone: Our score, that’s who.
Edgar Allan Poe: Gahhhh…
*Edgar Allan Poe and Adam step into the ring*
Adam: Let’s see what’s stronger; the pen or my fist!
Donatello: Begin!
Edgar Allan Poe: HRR-It’s time to hustle, and shuffle, my man! You understand?
Adam: Uh…what?
*Edgar Allan Poe punches Adam square in the face*
Edgar Allan Poe: I come from the street, the only beef that you’ll eat is the one with me that brings defeat!
*Edgar Allan Poe grabs Adam’s shoulders*
Adam: Poe, are you okay?
*Adam tries to punch Poe, but he ducks and kicks Adam twice in the nuts*
Adam: FUCK!
*The scene cuts to Goku and Hulk Hogan in a hot tub*
Goku: I just had a feeling of great joy for the weirdest reason…
Hulk Hogan: Probably nothing.
*The scene cuts back to the fight*
Edgar Allan Poe: I’m the rillest and the illest, you motherfuckers don’t know what the deal is, my fist is what the meal is!
Adam: I think Edgar Allan Poe became Edgar Allan Dope…not as good as it sounds…ow…
Donatello: Fight is over! The score is currently 1-2!
*Adam steps down, and falls onto the ground immediately*
Adolf Hitler: Loser!
Cleopatra: *Cleopatra picks up Adam* Oh darling, this must hurt!
Adam: It feels like a scratch…and two kicks to the nuts…
Al Capone: You sure they didn’t kick you in the nose as well?
Cleopatra: This must be a pain…perhaps if I could make it better…
Adam: Yeah, let me throw Poe into a ditch. Full of cacti. And snakes. I hate those fuckers.
*Cleopatra begins to kiss Adam*
Adam: *pulls away* Uh, the hell?
Adolf Hitler: My turn!
*Darth Vader bumps Hitler on the head with his fist*
Cleopatra: Oops, didn’t mean to do that.
(Confessional) Al Capone: Well, I don’t know what’s going on here, but whatever it is, it’s awkward as hell.
*Bob Ross runs back into the arena*
Bob Ross: Don’t worry guys, I have my hat!
Al Capone: However, you seem to have lost your sanity.
Bob Ross: Oh crap! I think I dropped it!
Al Capone: Oh, it dropped alright…
Donatello: Mustache hat guy versus boxer!
Adolf Hitler: When am I getting called?
Darth Vader: Now, you dumbass…
Adolf Hitler: But I’m not a boxer…
(Confessional) Darth Vader: Part of the plan…just part of the plan…
*Adolf Hitler and Muhammad Ali step into the arena*
Donatello: Start, dudes!
Adolf Hitler: Seig Heil! Seig Heil! Seig Heil!
*Hitler neck chops Ali by saluting repeatedly until the time is up*
Donatello: Salute guy wins! Tie!
*Adolf Hitler walks down next to Darth Vader*
Adolf Hitler: Was I Hitler-y enough?
Al Capone: What?
Darth Vader: He means was he good enough…gosh darnit, Hitler, you’re not that great..
*Al Capone, Cleopatra and Adam give Vader and Hitler a weird look while Ross curls up in a ball on the floor*
Bob Ross: Turtles, try and get to me now! Ha!
*Cleopatra shoves Ross away from her with her foot*
Zach Sherwin: And I’m back. What’s happening?
Donatello: Afro versus pancake! Tie breaking final round!
Zach Sherwin: Alright, back in time I guess. Winners get Adam, remember!
Justin Bieber: Guys, do we want Adam?
*Ali and Miley shrug while Napoleon rolls his eyes, Poe is busy beatboxing, and Tyson is nowhere to be seen*
Justin Bieber: No it is.
Adam: Ross, win this for me and E-I mean the team…heh…
*Ross and Bieber step into the ring*
Zach Sherwin: Alright, 3…2…1…go!
Justin Bieber: Oh no, don’t hit me! Don’t make us lose!
*Bob Ross face plants onto the floor*
Justin Bieber: Uh, the hell?
*Bob Ross screams into the ground*
Bob Ross: The turtles can’t get me like this!
Justin Bieber: You’re kidding me…
Al Capone: I don’t know whether this counts as mental breakdown or just plain mental.
*Justin Bieber takes Ross’s hat and rips it up*
Bob Ross: NO!
Justin Bieber: You’re scaring me.
Donatello: 15 seconds!
Justin Bieber: Oh fuck it.
*Justin Bieber flicks Ross’s nose*
Bob Ross: They’ve gotten to you!
Zach Sherwin: Oh fuck it, Massive Failures win.
Justin Bieber: Eh…
Zach Sherwin: Team Epic Winners, meet me at the ceremony, Adam included.
Muhammad Ali: Wait…I thought you said “winners get Adam”. Well, we won, so shouldn’t he join us?
Zach Sherwin: No, I meant the Winners, as in, the “Epic Winners”. You know, your opponents?
Justin Bieber: Why?
Zach Sherwin: Because you guys got Dynamite, it’s only fair.
Adam: Eh, whatever.
*The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where Hulk Hogan is standing by the podium*
Hulk Hogan: Due to technicalities with Zach and George, and Peter, none of the usual can be here.
Al Capone: Amen.
Hulk Hogan: Also, because I don’t know why, Eve, Adam, Hitler Vader and Cleo are immune from elimination. Which means…
Bob Ross: Goodbye, guys!
Hulk Hogan: Let me finish, first.
Bob Ross: I’m afraid I have to leave, before the turtles get to me!
Hulk Hogan: What.
Bob Ross: The turtles are getting to you guys, so you might want to make some tinfoil hats to save yourselves! I’m warning you!
Al Capone: I think you leaving will save us enough.
Hulk Hogan:…no, what.
*Bob Ross walks down to the dock*
Hulk Hogan: I doubt that will be explained, so…
*The scene cuts to the dock, where Macho Man is holding a barrel covered in tinfoil and putting it on a boat*
Macho Man: Is this tinfoil really necessary?
Bob Ross: Yes! Now drop me!
Macho Man: Kay, man…
*Macho Man places Ross on the boat*
EpicLLOYD: So, today was awful. Got taken from an episode, missed a lot of action, lost my god damned cake…guess this is a bad note to leave on. Will Adam make up his mind? Will Bieber and Napoleon resolve all conflicts? Will Tyson live out his dream of the girl in the ring holding the signs? Will I ever get my cake back? Tune in next time to most likely find me eating my cake on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene cuts to the boat in the middle of the ocean. Ross hears walking outside his barrel*
Bob Ross: Who’s there?
Donatello: Hey guys, where’s the pizza?
Bob Ross: Hello?
Michelangelo: Which one?
Bob Ross: Oh god no…
Raphael: I’ve eaten 3 of them already…oops!
*the camera zooms out slowly from the back of the boat*
Bob Ross: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script