Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie/Transcript

[Big Idea Productions logo]
[FHE Pictures logo]
[Fade to an ocean background with bubbles floating.]
Text: Big Idea Productions presents
Text: In Association with FHE Pictures
[The title shows up: Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie. The text fades away. The ocean turns into a starry night sky. The moon is shown as a wolf can be heard howling from deep in the forest. Guitar music is heard, along with Mike Asparagus singing Billy Joe McGuffrey with his son, Junior Asparagus, along with Laura Carrot, Annie Onion, and Percy Pea.]
All: Now, Billy Joe McGuffrey was a really clumsy kid
On the first day of first grade, I'll tell you what he did
He tripped over a pencil box, flew up in the air
Landed on a kangaroo who pulled out all his hair
[A porcupine is shown on the side of the road. It crosses the road.]
He needed first aid in the first grade
First aid in the first grade (2x)
You can buy a zoo with all the doctor bills he paid
[A red and white Volkswagen van drives past. Mike, Junior, Laura, Annie, and Percy are shown in the van.]
Oh, Billy Joe McGuffrey was a really clumsy kid
On the second day of second grade, I'll tell you what he did
He slipped on a banana peel flew up in the sky
Landed on a chimpanzee who poked him in the eye
[Bob the Tomato is shown driving the van with Mike right next to him. Bob is fumbling with a road map.]
He needed first aid in the second grade
Bob: ...Route 59, where's Route 59?
[Mike inadvertently whacks Bob in the back of the head with the guitar's neck. The tomato cries out in pain and glares at Mike.]
First aid in the second grade (2x)
You can buy a zoo with all the doctor bills he paid
[Mike accidentally hits Bob again, hard enough to smack his face in the dashboard, sounding the horn, and shutting off the headlights.]
Bob: Aah! Lights! AAAAHH!!!
Now Billy Joe McGuffrey was a really clumsy kid
On the third day of third grade, I'll tell you what he did
Bob: Whoa! Lights! Lights! Where is that button?
He fell out of a fishing boat splashed into the sea
Land on a moray eel...
Bob: Switch! No! Where is it?
...who bit him on the knee
He needed first aid in the third grade
[Mike hits Bob again, making Bob's face smack the horn again. The van drives over a rock, making everyone bounce.]
First aid in the third grade
[The van goes off the road, and drives over a log, making everyone bounce again.]
First aid in the third grade
[Bob eventually finds the light switch button.]
You can buy a zoo with all the doctor bills he paid
[As Bob turns the lights back on, Mike plays a solo on his harmonica while Bob is stressed. Laura looks down at her ticket, smiling in love.]
Laura: (whispers in awe to the viewers) I get to meet Twippo.
[Junior looks at Laura, unamused. The van passes a porcupine sign. Camera switches to the front of the van.]
Mike: Twelfth grade!
All: Noooowwww... Billy Joe McGuffrey was a really clumsy kid
On the twelfth day of 12th grade, I'll tell you what he did
He walked into financial aid, fell and broke a bone
Showed them all his bills and got a great big college loan
He needed first aid in the 12th grade
First aid in the 12th grade (2x)
(Bob dodges Mike's guitar as he swings it.)
You can buy a zoo with all the doctor bills he paid! (2x)
(Billy Joe McGuffrey ends.)
All: Yay! Twippo!
Percy Pea: Let's do another Twippo song!
Annie: I love Twippo.
Junior: Me too!
Laura: But I'm the one who gets to meet him because I won the Twippo sweepstakes.
Junior: You don't have to rub it in.
Mike: It's great that you won the contest, Laura. But let's try not to brag about it. Nice one with the lights, Bob.
Bob: My pleasure, for the next song maybe I can drive into the river!!
Kids: Yeah! Drive into the river, Bob! Oh, drive into the river, Bob!
Bob: Or maybe you could help me with the MAP!!!
Mike: Oh. I'm sorry.
Laura: Is there anything you want me to tell Twippo, when I meet him?
(Mike gets shocked, and turns to Laura, inadvertently whacking Bob in the face with his guitar.)
Mike: Laura!
Bob: Ow!
(Bob loses his concentration, and the van swerves, making Laura's ticket fly out of her grip.)
Laura: (gasps) MY TICKET!!
Mike: Aah! Quick get it!
(Mike tries to catch the ticket, but gets in Bob's way.)
Bob: The map!
Mike: Sorry.
(Bob screams in horror as the ticket flies out of his open window of the van.)
Laura: MY TICKEEEET...!
(The ticket lands on the side of the road. Cuts back to the veggies in the van. An annoyed Bob tries to get Mike out of his way.)
Bob: Do you mind?!
Mike: (his guitar is stuck in the steering wheel) I'm stuck!!
(Mike tries to pull the guitar out of the steering wheel, but he accidentally rips the wheel off of the dashboard. Bob gasps in horror. Mike frantically shakes his guitar to try to get the wheel off of his guitar. The veggies all cry out in fear as the van swerves all around the road. Meanwhile, in the forest, a mother porcupine is walking with her two babies. Cuts back to the van, which is still driving like crazy.)
Bob: (takes the steering wheel off the guitar) Get it! (tries to put the steering wheel back on the dashboard) We gotta fix it! Put it! Stick it in! Put it!
(Cuts back to the porcupines, who are now walking on the road. Suddenly, the van careens around the corner. Bob sees the porcupines and is horrified.)
Bob: PORCUPINE!!!
(The mother porcupine jumps in front of her babies and aims several quills at the car tires. The front tires are both deflated. As the van heads toward the porcupines, Bob steers to the left. The van then starts rolling down a steep hill and approaches a...)
Mike: Tree! (Bob steers right. Now they're headed for a...) Cabin! (Bob steers left. Finally they're headed for..) Underwear!
(The clothesline holding the underwear stops the van. Bob looks past the underwear to see the river below.)
Bob: (chuckles) Well, I'm glad that's over. (A line snaps. Bob turns to Mike.) Did you say something? (Mike shakes his head. Another line snaps.) Oh...
Mike: Dear.
(Three more lines snap and the van continues down the hill toward the river. The van then hits a stump and the airbags activate.)
Bob: Am I in heaven?
Mike: (sniffs) It smells like... Wisconsin.
(everyone jumps out of the car.)
Bob: Well, nobody got hurt.
(A quill comes out of nowhere and hits Bob in the behind)
Bob: Aah!
(The porcupines look down happily.)
Mike: Wow! What a shot!
(Bob groans.)
Junior: Hey, what's that?
(They all notice a restaurant that reads SEAFOOD with the D light out.)
All: Ooh.
Annie: What's seafoo?
Percy Pea: Maybe it's like tofu?
Mike: Only saltier!
(The D lights up.)
All: Ahh.
(cut to inside the restaurant, with the sound of arguing from outside)
Bob: Oh yeah, well if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this mess!
Mike: I said I was sorry. I'll do better next time.
Bob: Well, there probably isn't gonna be a next time!
Annie: Mr. Bob, how are we going to get to the Twippo Concert?
Percy Pea: Yeah, we're going to miss the Bald Bunny song.
Bob: I don't know! I don't know about any bald...bunnies!
Percy Pea: I'm a bald bunny, ain't got no fur.
I'm a bald bunny, brrr brrr brrr.
Laura: (while Percy continues singing) Even if we do make it to the concert, I can't get in. I lost my ticket.
Junior: Serves you right! It's your own fault for waving it around in my face!
Annie: I have to go to the bathroom.
Mike: I'm not usually that bad as a co-pilot.
Bob: Two flat tires!!
Mike: Usually, I'm quite dexterous!
Bob: How in the world are we going to change two flat tires? Where's the phone?
Laura: I lost my ticket.
Junior: If you hadn't been teasing me, we wouldn't been in this mess, Laura!
(Laura looks depressed.)
Jean-Claude Pea: (clears his throat after a pause)
The French Peas: May we help you?
(All the veggies speak at once)
Bob: The Asparagus whacked me in the head with a guitar and our van got taken out by a mad porcupine, then another one got me... here.
Percy: (singing) Bald, bald, bunny, bunny Look over there bunny! Hair over there bunny! What fur? That fur! There's some fur bald bunny!
Mike: Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele, The neck is so much shorter... Yeah... that's why. Say, I need to call my wife!
Junior: Laura was teasing me with her "special ticket," and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash.. (Junior turns to Laura) ..and now none of us get to see Twippo!
Annie: May I please use the bathroom?
Philippe: Down the hall, first door on the left.
Annie: Thank you.
Percy Pea: Ooh, captain, they have Moby Blaster! My favorite! (He hops up to the game.)
Jean-Claude: What do you want?
Bob: Well, sirs, the asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar, and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires, and one of her babies got me.
(Bob shows a thorn stuck onto his back, while Mike tries not to look.)
The French Peas: Ooh!
Mike: And I need to use your phone to call my-
Bob: A tow truck?
Mike: My wife!
(Bob is not amused.)
Jean-Claude: I see.
Philippe: Next to the Moby Blaster.
Mike: Thanks.
(Mike proceeds to walk to where the phone is.)
Jean-Claude: Well, in the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice...combo platter?!
The French Peas: Steak, steak, eat it, eat it!
Shrimp, shrimp, need it, need it!
Steak and shrimp, steak and shrimp!
Need to, need to, eat it, eat it!
(scatting portion)
Philippe: Got to, got to, got to get the steaky, wakey, shrimpy! Do you prefer poking or non-poking?
Bob: (sarcastically laughs) Non.
The French Peas: (laughing)
Jean-Claude: Good one, Philippe! You are one clever pea, no?
The French Peas: (laughing)
(Philippe takes the thorn out of Bob's back)
Bob: Aaahh!
Philippe: Voila! A skewer for the scampi!
(The French Peas leave while Bob looks unamused. Everybody then looks back to hear singing)
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
We just stay home and lie around
Jean-Claude: Please, make yourselves comfortable. I will be back to take your order.
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: And if you ask us to do anything...
Bob: Why don't you two wait here? I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we'll still make it to the concert on time!
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: ...we'll just tell you we don't do anything!
(Bob leaves. Cut to Laura looking depressed over what Junior said.)
Laura: Yeah, everyone but me.
Junior: Hey, it's your own fault for teasing me. You're just getting what you deserve.
Laura: Hmph, I'm coming with you, Mr. Bob.
(Laura leaves. As Junior looks at the menu, he sees "Compassion" written in it. Suddenly, Pa Grape starts talking to him.)
Pa Grape: Hey, excuse me.
Junior: Aaahh!!
Larry: How's it going?
Mr. Lunt: Hey, what's up?
Junior: Who are you?
Pa Grape: Who, us?
Junior: Yeah.
Pa Grape: Oh, we are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
Mr. Lunt: Oh you know that's right.
Larry: Nothing.
Mr. Lunt: Zilch.
Larry: Nada.
Pa Grape: Didn't you hear our song?
Junior: Well, yeah, but-
Pa Grape: Look, Sonny, can I call you Sonny?
Junior: Junior.
Pa Grape: Eh, pretty close. Look, uhh..Junior, we couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there.
Mr. Lunt: Yeah. You weren't being very nice.
Junior: Well, it's her own fault. She was teasing me, and now she's getting what she deserves!
(brief pause)
Pa Grape: Right. Junior, we've seen these types of situations before...
Mr. Lunt: ...happen all the time.
Pa Grape: What you need is a little compassion.
Larry: And maybe some scampi.
Junior: Hey, I saw that in the menu! (looks in the menu) What is that? What's compassion?
Mr. Lunt: Ooh, that's a hard question.
Larry: Mmm-hmm.
Pa Grape: Well, compassion is when you see that someone needs help, and you wanna help them. (Junior looks confused) That's what I thought you'd say.
Mr. Lunt: They all do.
Larry: Yep.
Pa Grape: So we find it helpful to illustrate with a little story.
Junior: A story?
Pa Grape: Yep. You know, we call ourselves The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, but that's not entirely accurate.
Mr. Lunt: Remember when we did that one thing with that one guy?
Pa Grape: Oh, do I ever.
Larry: I remember it like it was yesterday.
(Larry sips his root beer, cuts to Joppa while Larry puts his root beer down. The Pirates are standing at a booth selling their favorite snacks.)
Mr. Nezzer: Are you guys still doing that "pirate thing"?
Mr. Lunt: Aargh! Watch your tongue, matey, or we'll have to... what will we do?
Larry: We won't do anything. We're The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, remember?
Mr. Lunt: Oh, that's right. Aargh! you got off easy today!
Larry: We need more Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!
Pa Grape: Yeah, and root beer!
Mr. Nezzer: I told you boys - no more cheese curls until you pay your tab! You still owe me from last week!
Mr. Lunt: But, you'll take away out chance to win the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!"
Mr. Nezzer: Come again?
Pa Grape: Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!
Mr. Nezzer: Well, you could work here for me. That way you could earn more cheese curls.
Pirates: (overlapping in agreement)
Mr. Nezzer: So, uh... Whadaya know how to do?
Pa Grape: Well, I'm pretty good at lawn darts.
Larry: Ping-pong! I can play ping-pong!
Mr. Lunt: Croquet is my spe-ci-al-ity.
(beat)
Pa Grape: When do we start?
(Mr. Nezzer closes the booth.)
Pa Grape: Monday's good for me!
Pa grape (narrating): We were short on cash. It seems not doing anything didn't pay very well.
Mr. Lunt: So, what do we do now?
Larry: Uh...nothing!
Mr. Lunt: You are a genius.
(As the pirates are walking, as Larry sees the fish market.)
Joppa citizen: Uh, are these fish fresh?
Jean-Claude: You bet!
Phillipe: Oh yeah!
(The citizen smells it and falls back, due to the bad smell.)
Joppa citizen: Ooooh!
Jean-Claude: What? They were fresh when they caught them.
Phillipe: That's right.
Jean-Claude: ...two weeks ago!
Jean-Claude and Phillipe: Ho-ho-ho! He-he!
(The French Peas start slapping each other with their fish while Larry is concerned.)
Larry: Hmm, Ninevites.
Pa Grape (narrating): Beside the fact that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed up: Jonah! (The Pirates meet Jonah (played by Archibald Asparagus)Jonah rides through the town on his camel, Reginald.) Now Jonah was a prophet of God - which means he was one of the very special people God used to deliver messages to Israel. (We see Jimmy as a mailman trying to hand out mail, but everyone seems more interested in Jonah's messages.) He was kind of like a mailman, except his letters came straight from God! Ahem. Anyway... Jonah loved helping his friends by bringing them God's messages. Sometimes the messages were good, sometimes they were not so good. But when a prophet talked, everybody listened!
Mr. Nezzer: What's the word, Jonah?
Miss Achmetha: Yeah, what's the word?
(Jonah stops by the fountain)
Jonah: Stop right here, Reginald. (Reginald does so) Dear people, I bring you a Message From the Lord.
Crowd: (gasps)
Jonah: Oh, it's a message of encouragement.
Crowd: (sighs of relief)
(The song begins with Message From the Lord.)
Jonah: Do not fight, do not cheat. Wash your hands before you eat.
There is nothing quite as sweet. A message from the Lord.
Be a friend, say your prayers. Heaven loves a heart that cares.
That is why I've come to share a message from the Lord.
And if you follow God's commands,
There will be peace throughout the land.
You will live long and happy lives...
With your sheep, your kids, your wives. Ah-ha!
Don't eat pigs, Don't eat bats. Don't eat beetles, flies or gnats
Stay away from all of that. A message from the Lord.
Do what's right, Don't provoke, Put four tassels on your cloak.
Do not laugh, it's not a joke. A message from the Lord
Veggie People (as a choir): Do not fight, do not cheat.
Woman: Wash your hands before you eat.
Man: There is nothing quite as sweet.
Woman 2: A message from the Lord.
Jonah: All together now.
Veggie People (as a choir): Be a friend, Say your prayers. Heaven loves a heart that cares.
That is why he came to share a message from the Lord.
(During the Instrumental Break, everyone starts dancing.)
Veggie People: And if we follow God's commands, There will be peace throughout the land.
We will live long and happy lives...With our sheep, our kids, our wives.
Do what's right, Don't provoke, Put four tassels on your cloak.
Do not laugh. it's not a joke. A message from the Lord.
Jonah: Don't do drugs, Stay in school
Scribe: This is quite a lot of rules
Jonah: Follow them and you're no fool-uh...
Veggie People: Follow them and you're no fool-uh...
Jonah: Follow them and you're no fool-uh...
All: A message from the Lord
(Jimmy is shown pulling a cart.)
Jonah: Follow them and you're no fool-uh...
All: A message from the Lord. A message from the Lord
(Jimmy is pulled back by the cart and he hits it, causing mail to fly out. Everyone cheers as the mail flies down)
Jonah: All right! Good show, everyone! Thank you very much!
(He and Reginald proceed to leave)
Pa Grape: That was pretty much Jonah's life, town to town bringing God's messages to his friends. Heh, not a bad gig overall. (fade to later that night) So every night before he went to sleep, Jonah would pray and ask God if there was a new message for him to deliver. (fade to inside the tent) And this night, there was a message that would change Jonah's life.
Jonah: A new message? Yes, wha-what's that? People being unkind? Lying? (gasps) Stealing? Oh dear, sounds like a standard turn and repent to me. All right, name the town. I'll be on my way first thing in the morning. Where is it? Jericho? Damascus? What? Nineveh? I'm not aware of any Ninevehs in Israel. No, I don't think- Oh. You mean that Nineveh?
(Jonah looks at his map of Israel and spots Nineveh. The movie then switches to 2d animation.)
Pa Grape: That Nineveh wasn't in Israel at all. It was the capital of Assyria, and it was the biggest, meanest city around! Now the people of Nineveh were particularly mean to Jonah's people, the Israelites. They lied, they stole. But worst of all, they slapped people with fishes! (A pea does so to a gourd.) They even slapped each other with fishes. (Two peas are shown doing just that.) They didn't know the difference between right and wrong. The Ninevites were so mean in fact, that most Israelites, including Jonah, wish God would just wipe Nineveh off the face of the earth!
(A fire from heaven destroys Nineveh; leaving one pea. He rants before the fire destroys him too.)
Pa Grape: Needless to say, Jonah was shocked that God would want him to deliver a message to his enemies.
Jonah: You don't want me to go there! You don't know what Nineveh is like! Perhaps you've never been there! Well of course you haven't! A God like you would never go to a place like Nineveh, and for that matter neither would a prophet like me. (laughs) Oh.
(The song It Cannot Be begins.)
Jonah: No, it cannot be. Your messages are meant for me and my brothers.
We are your chosen people. And Nineveh, well, they're not!
There must be some mistake. A huge misunderstanding.
It's really hard to take. How could you be so demanding?
For years I've been your messenger from Moreshet to Gath.
But Nineveh should get no chance to turn. They've earned your wrath.
No, it cannot be. Your messages are meant for me and my brothers.
We are your chosen people. And Nineveh, well, they're not!
We're the good guys and they're the bad guys! Please don't send me there with the message of your mercy!
(Jonah is shown standing on his map.)
Damascus or Jerusalem, I'll be there in a minute! Any town in Israel-Just ask me and I'll be in it!
Shiloh, Gilgal, Jericho, just say the word! But Nineveh, that is just absurd!
Joppa, Aphek and Jezreel, they're all just fine!
But Nineveh... Oh Nineveh.... No!
Nineveh is where I draw the line!
(Tears the map off the wall and throws it outside.)
No, it cannot be. Your messages are meant for me.
(He lies down to sleep as the flame in the lamp goes out. Back to the restaurant.)
Pa Grape: Yep. It sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites.
Bob: The tow truck is on it's way. You know, Junior, I love your dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a co-pilot. (Sees the pirates; Mr. Lunt sips his root beer.) Heh, wha-what's going on?
Pa Grape: Ahem. We're telling a little story. You should listen too. As I was saying, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to Jonah's enemies.
Laura: What's mercy?
Mr. Lunt: It's what this whole story is about.
Junior: I thought it was about compassion. Remember? The menu?
Mr. Lunt: Oh, ye-yeah, well there's that too.
Pa Grape: Better check your menu again, we got two specials today, and they go hand in hand.
Larry: Compassion is when you wanna help someone who needs help. Mercy is when you give someone a second chance, even though they don't deserve it. This story is about both of them.
Pa Grape: That's right, my cucumber friend. You can't have mercy without compassion, but mercy is even more important. Jonah was afraid God was gonna give Nineveh a second chance, and that he was gonna help them, even though they didn't deserve it.
Laura: So, what did he do?
(Back to the story.)
Pa Grape (Narrating): Well, never before had he gotten a message from God that he didn't wanna deliver. He didn't know what to do!
(We cut to Jonah's tent at morning. He peeks out to make sure the coast is clear. The moment he steps out and locks his tent, a group of people suddenly show up.)
Jerry: Morning, Jonah! What's the word?
Jonah: What? Nothing! There is no word!
(Jonah hops away from the crowd.)
Jerry: Uhh...nothing? At all?
Jonah: No! Nothing at all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm very bu-
(As he's hopping away, he bumps into Mr. Nezzer.)
Mr. Nezzer: Good morning, Jonah. What's the word?
Jonah: Ahh!! Stop it!! There is no word! Nothing! I've gotta get out of here!
(Jonah continues running away, this time at a much faster pace, much to the confusion of the citizens. As he does, he repeatedly looks behind him to make sure nobody's following him.)
Jonah: There is no word! I have no new messages! And above all, I'm not going to Nineveh!
(Because he's not looking where he's going, he bumps into a sign and it hits him, knocking him back. He looks and sees that it's a map of the Mediterranean Sea.)
Angus: Sorry sir, I can't sell you a ticket to Nineveh!
Jonah: What, who are you?
Angus: The name's Angus. I sell cruise tickets. There's nothing like a cruise on the Great Sea to clean the sand out of your wicket, ay?!
(Jonah slightly jumps.)
Angus: But ya can't sail to Nineveh! It's land-locked! See?
(Angus points to a star surrounded entirely by orange, symbolizing only land.)
Angus: You can't go by sea! Ya got to go by land!
Jonah: But I don't want to go to-
(As he's talking, a couple of nearby citizens (Penelope and Mabel) spot him.)
Penelope: Oh, hello, Mr. Jonah! What's the word?
Angus: Ah! He's going to Nineveh!
Penelope: Oh, really?..
Jonah: I am not going to Nineveh! Why on earth would I wanna go to Nineveh?! In fact, I'm going in the opposite direction! (looks at map) What's the farthest thing in the world from Nineveh?
Angus: Well, if you have a few days, you could sail down to Egypt. It's lovely this time of year.
(Jonah isn't paying attention to what he's saying, instead directing his attention toward a star on the far left edge of the map.)
Jonah: There! I want to go there!
Angus: Huh?! Tarshish?! Why, that would take weeks!
(Jonah is initially disappointed at this long travel date, until...)
Angus: It's the other end of the world!
Jonah: (elated) Perfect!! How much?
Angus: Even if you had the money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Tarshi-
(He stops when he hears something. He looks over at the dock to see the Pirates' ship, as they are dancing to their song.)
Angus: Then again...
(Jonah looks behind him, and notices the Pirates as well. We then wipe to the Pirates on their ship talking to Jonah.)
Pa Grape: We couldn't possibly! We're very busy with...cargo and.. stuff.
Mr. Lunt: You know, pirates have to pillage and plunder, and.. that really takes it out of you.
Larry: Yeah, and, uh, Alf is on in a half-an-hour, so I don't think we could, um...
Pa Grape: And besides that, we don't really sail... at all. So the answer is no.
(Jonah leans in closer to them.)
Jonah: Money is no object.
(Larry's eyepatch pops out. Suddenly, everyone is ecstatic.)
Pa Grape: Next stop, Tarshish! I'll hoist the mainsail!
Larry: I'll pop the popcorn!
Mr. Lunt: I'll get the moist towelettes! Where did we put them? Hey, Larry, have you seen the towelettes?
Larry: I got it! I got it!
Mr. Lunt: No, those are baby wipes!
(The Pirates start frantically running around the ship. Jonah starts to look a little concerned as he realizes that he is truly running away from God. As the ship pulls out of the harbor, it bumps a small boat.)
Pa Grape: Sorry!
(Bumps another one)
Pa Grape: My fault!
(Once the ship is out of the harbor, it starts sailing smoothly.)
Pa Grape (Narrating): Even though we'd never sailed before, we took to it like a fish to water!
(We cut to Larry using his spyglass in the crow's next.)
Larry: Thar she blows!
Mr. Lunt: Where?
(Eyes a ping pong ball.)
Larry: Right there, next to the grill.
Mr. Lunt: Got it!
Pa Grape: 6-0!
(Jonah stands at the other side of the ping-pong table as Pa serves him the ball. The ping pong ball bounces past him and onto the floor.)
Pa Grape: 7-0! That's the skunk! I win!
Larry & Mr. Lunt: Yeah! Yippee!
Pa Grape: What do you say Jonah? Two out of three?
Jonah: Ah, no. I'm done.
Pa Grape: Argh! When we get to Tarshish, Ho-ho's on me!
Larry and Mr. Lunt: Yeah! Yippee! (cheering in unison) We winny at the ping pong! We get the ho-ho and the ding dong! Ding Dong!
Pa Grape (Narrating): Once we finally got out to sea, Jonah went below deck to rest a bit.
(Cut to ship's hold. Dark and musty. Bags of grape leaves on floor, barrels of who-knows-what. Two bunks hang off one wall - one over the other. Light comes from several oil lanterns, plus some natural light down ladder from above deck and through cracks in planking above. Jonah enters and looks around.)
Jonah: Oh, what have I done? What have I done?
(Jonah puts two bags of Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls on a bench and uses them as pillows. As he starts to lie down, he suddenly hears a voice from seemingly nowhere.)
Motivational Tape: You are powerful and attractive.
Jonah: What?! Who's there?
Motivational tape: You do not run from your problems, but confront them face to face.
Jonah: Aaaahh!! The bag! It speaks!
(As Jonah throws the bag to the lantern, the lantern swings the bag and it falls onto a barrel.)
Mystery Creature: Ow! What did you do that for?
Jonah: Mr. Twisty?! Who's there? Show yourself!
(The mystery creature moves around. As Jonah looks at the bag, the creature pops out of the bag, spilling cheese curls. Jonah sees a caterpillar named Khalil, with headphones.)
Khalil: Hello.
Jonah: What are you?
Khalil: Who me? Oh, my name is Khalil. I am a caterpillar. Well, that is only half true. My mother was a caterpillar, my father was a worm. But I am okay with that now.
Jonah: Kaleel?
Khalil: It's Khalil. You've got to get your foot into it. (He removes a cheese curl from his foot, falls over, but gets up) I bet you are wondering why I am here.
Jonah: Ah, you tidy up around the ship.
Khalil: Oh no, I do not work on this ship. I am a small business operator, a traveling salesman. I sell Persian rugs door to door. (He shows his cart full of tiny rugs) See?
Jonah: Oh, lovely.
Khalil: By the way, do you know where this ship is going?
Jonah: Yes, Tarshish.
Khalil: Tarshish? (gasps) What a trip! You know, that may be just what I need. The Persian rug business has not been going very well around here but I still have a positive mental attitude, because of my motivational tapes.
(He puts on the headphones.)
Motivational Tape: You are a skilled metal worker.
Khalil: I am a skilled metal worker? Oh, I did not know that!
Jonah: Yes, that's lovely, Carlyle, but if you don't mind, I think I'll just get some rest.
Khalil: Jonah?
Jonah: Huh?
Khalil: You are Jonah!
Jonah: You know me?
Khalil: Of course I do! You are the most famous prophet in the whole world!
Jonah: Well, I- I don't know if I'm-
Khalil: I sell your licensed merchandise! Look-look-look! (He shows two examples of merchandise.) I have the Jonah rugs, the Jonah plush toy, with sound chip! (pokes it)
Jonah Plush Toy: A Message from the Lord! A Message from the Lord!
Jonah: Well, I'm flattered-
Khalil: You are huge! You are a celebrity!
Jonah: We-e-el, I-
Khalil: From town to town, delivering God's messages! What a life! You are a big shot!
Jonah: Oh no, it's-
Khalil: A man God can count on to deliver His messages!
Jonah: Yes, well-
Khalil: You and God are like peas in a pod, like two humps on a camel! You'll always sway the same way! (laughs) Oh, that is a good one, you know humor runs very deep in my family. My uncle was a big star back at the comedy club in Nineveh, The Taj Maha-ha, standing room only, and then he was hit with a fish. I'm telling you, those people do not know right from wrong.
Jonah: Oh, Nineveh.
Khalil: Hm? You are sad now, my friend? Something about Nineveh makes you feel sad inside?
Jonah: I don't really want to talk about it. I just need some rest.
Khalil: Oh, you do not have to tell me.
Jonah: Good.
Khalil: Because I already know.
Jonah: You do?
Khalil: Oh, yes. There is a woman in Nineveh, is there not? A beautiful young asparagus, she is waiting there for you, no?
Jonah: Uh, no.
Khalil: You were promised to be married, but your job is now in the way. The woman's father is the head of an international ring of camel thieves! This very day you set sail for Tarshish to deliver a message that will break the back of the camel thieves, but in the process will break the heart of the woman you love! (pause; Jonah looks confused) Insight runs very deep in my family. Do not worry, the first one is free.
Jonah: Please, Carlyle, I just need to get some rest.
Khalil: It's Khalil, but you can call me Carlyle if you want to. When we get to Tarshish, you can deliver the message, and I'll sell the plush toys! We can be a team!
Jonah Plush Toy: A Message... (The toy's voice chip dies down. Khalil whacks it) From the Lord!
(Jonah puts one of the bags over his head.)
Jonah: Oh...
Khalil: Well, sweet dreams, traveling buddy. We can make our plans to save those camels tomorrow.
Motivational Tape: You are a go-getter.
(Jonah dreams he's in a completely white place almost similar to the Sea of Nothing from Yellow Submarine. He comes across Angus' booth.)
Jonah: Yes, which way is Tarshish?
Angus: Right this way. Ya can't miss it.
Jonah: Oh, thank you.
(Jonah then starts toward Tarshish)
Voice: Jonah!
Jonah: What, who is it?
Voice: Jonah! Where are you going?
Jonah: Oh, it's you Lord. Uh, I'm g-going to, ah, I'm going-
Voice: Jonah!
Jonah: I'm sorry, I can't hear you!
Voice: Jonah!
Jonah: I can't hear you! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-
Voice: Jonah!
Jonah: (steps in water) I can't- hear you!
Voice: Jonah!
(Lightning flashes and Jonah's dream ends.)
Pa Grape: Jonah! Jonah! Jonah!
Jonah: No! I-I-I can't hear you!
Pa Grape: Come on, wake up! We've got trouble!
(A huge storm rages outside. Also it turns out the ship has sprung a leak.)
Jonah: What? What's happening?
Pa Grape: We're in a storm! Like I've never seen before, and if we don't do something quick, we're gonna sink!
Khalil: We've seem to have sprung a leak, traveling buddy!
Pa Grape: Huh? Hey! What are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to get off my ship, you lousy leaf-eater?
Khalil: Well, yes, but you see, my new friend and I are going to Tarshish to break the back of the camel thieves! (Pa turns to Jonah, who just rolls his eyes) Crime fighting runs very deep in my family.
Pa Grape: Why if it wasn't for this storm, I'd make you walk the plank. (to Jonah) And you! How can you sleep at a time like this?
Jonah: What's going on?
Pa Grape: I'll tell you what's going on: We're all gonna be fish food if I don't get some help.
Jonah: Well, what can we do?
Pa Grape: Oh, get up and pray to your God, and that He'll have mercy on us and spare our lives! (falls over but gets up) Oy! Somebody up there must be really upset with somebody down here. Wait a minute. That's it! All right, you two, follow me!
(Above deck, the storm is raging on. Meanwhile, Larry and Mr. Lunt are playing Go Fish.)
Mr. Lunt: You got electric eel?
Larry: Nope. Go fish! One more card!
Mr. Lunt: You're one cheating buccaneer.
Larry: How am I supposed to cheat at go fish?
Mr. Lunt: I don't know.
Pa Grape: All right, you lazies! Game over, shuffle them up and deal us in!
Larry: But...
Mr. Lunt: He-he-he!
Pa Grape: Okay, here's the deal. The way I see it, there's a reason for this storm. Somebody up there is really upset with somebody down here, and it ain't gonna let up, until we know who that somebody is! It could be any one of us! I have my suspicions! But we won't know for sure until we figure it out scientifically. Okay, men, go fish! Loser takes a swim!
(Pa Grape, Jonah, Mr. Lunt, Larry and Khalil then start to play)
Pa Grape: You got a perch?
Mr. Lunt: Nope.
Larry: You have any pickerel?
Mr. Lunt: Nope.
(One of the players matches a pair of yellow seahorses)
Mr. Lunt: You got a... muskellunge?
Pa Grape: Nope! Go Fish!
Jonah: Oh, dear!
Khalil: I am most desperate for a lobster.
Pa Grape: Sorry.
Larry: (takes another card) Drat!
Mr. Lunt: He-he-he. (pulls out to reveal that there are seven cards) Oh!
(Larry takes another card. As the game progresses, one player reveals a pair of purple jellyfish, another reveals two red pufferfish, and Khalil reveals two blue bass. Jonah has one card left)
Mr. Lunt: Got any bass?
Pa Grape: (depressed) Yeah.
(Pa's bass matches with Mr. King's. Jonah takes another two cards, Khalil has eight cards left)
Mr. Lunt: Octopus?
Larry: Blue Gil?
Pa Grape: Tuna?
Khalil: Halibut?
(Pa reveals two yellow eels, Lunt reveals two purple octopuses, and Larry has two seahorses. Jonah and Khalil are still playing)
Khalil: You got any trout?
(Jonah hands his trout to Khalil)
Khalil: (reveals two yellow whales, one of them is upside-down) Hmm? Oh, what a goose I am! It's a match! I had it all along!
(Jonah has one card left)
Pa Grape: Huh? I thought for sure...
Jonah: (quoting The End of Silliness?) All right, I admit it. It's my fault, all my fault! I'm the one to blame!
Pa Grape: But, I- The worm.
Jonah: I am a Hebrew. And I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land. And I'm running away with him! (Lunt and Khalil gasp) He told me to go to Ninevah, but I didn't listen! You know, I don't like those people.
Mr. Lunt: Ooh, fish slappers.
Jonah: Yes! So I ran. I ran and I ended up here. And now everyone's in terrible danger all because of me. I'm afraid the only thing left is to be thrown into the sea.
Larry: Oh, you don't have to do that! We've got a plank! You can just walk off!
Jonah: Yes, thank you. You're too kind.
Pa Grape: Well, Jonah old buddy, it was nice knowing ya! Normally you'd be entitled to a refund, but under the circumstances, y'know, with you dying and all...
Jonah: No, I don't suppose a refund would do me much good now, would it?
Pa Grape: Ah, thanks! You're a trooper. Ain't he a trooper?
(Jonah looks down to Khalil)
Khalil: But... the camels...
Jonah: Ooh...
Mr. Lunt: Hey! Wait a minute! I just remembered something! Maybe you don't have to walk the plank, after all!
All: Huh?
(Cuts to the cover sheet.)
Mr. Lunt: Every winter, my cousin from Moose Lake asks me to take care of this!
(He reveals a boat engine.)
Both: Ooh!
Larry: Cool.
Pa Grape: What is it?
Mr. Lunt: This my friends, is a Jupiter 1600 horsepower, high-octane, dual propeller, pull ignition, outboard motor, with the optional chrome trim package.
Both: Ooh!
Larry: Cool.
Pa Grape: What is it?
Mr. Lunt: It gets us back to Joppa.
Pa Grape: Oh.
Jonah: Well, how does it work?
Mr. Lunt: That? I don't know.
Khalil: Perhaps I can help. You know, technical competency runs-
Jonah (interrupting): I know, very deep in your family.
Khalil: Oh! Our reputation precedes us! Well then... it appears that one should pull the cord and then perhaps push this black bubbly thingy... Oh.. no... Maybe it's the other way around. Perhaps if one first pushes the black bubbly thingy and then pulls the cord... (the motors start up; the others gasp in joy) See?
(the motor suddenly breaks loose and chases everyone as Khalil watches. Soon, the Pirates chase after the out-of-control motor. Finally, the motor jumps off the deck and into the sea.)
Mr. Lunt: Yep. That's how it works.
(They all look back and glare at Khalil.)
Khalil: It has been delightful. But I must go now.
(Jonah then looks terrified. Cut to him standing on the plank while wearing a ducky inner tube while the Pirates and Khalil watch with worry)
Pa Grape: Oh Lord, don't let us die for this man's sin, and don't hold us responsible for his death, because it wasn't our fault! Oh Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good reason!
Larry: And keep my ducky safe.
Both: Amen.
(Jonah jumps off the plank and into the sea. Seconds later, the storm immediately stops. Everyone stands silently for a few seconds.)
Pa Grape: That was easy.
Mr. Lunt: Well, should we pull him back in?
Pa Grape: I don't see why not.
(They throw a life ring overboard, but it doesn't catch Jonah. We then get a POV under the sea.)
Jonah: Something touched me! There's something in the water!
(As music similar to the Jaws theme plays, a giant creature swims beneath Jonah and the ship.)
Pa Grape: Hurry up, hurry!
Mr. Lunt: I'm hurrying!
Pa Grape: Hold on, Jonah! (to Mr. Lunt) Aim this time!
Mr. Lunt: I was aiming!
Pa Grape: I can never tell where you're looking...
Mr. Lunt: You should talk.
Jonah: Hurry! Fellows, please!
Pa Grape: Pull it back in. Hurry!
Mr. Lunt: Okay, okay! I got it!
Pa Grape: Let me do that!
Mr. Lunt: No, no! I'll throw it.
Jonah: Fellows, please!
Pa Grape: Come on, give it here!
Mr. Lunt: I said I got it!
Larry: Excuse me, gentlemen. Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
(He takes the life ring, spins and throws it overboard. And this time, it catches Jonah. Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Jonah gasp happily. Larry smiles proudly. Jonah's smile quickly drops when a huge, yellow whale rises out of the water with its mouth open. Suddenly, it closes its mouth, swallowing Jonah alive before sinking back down into the ocean.)
Larry: Oops.
(Because the whale swallowed Jonah, it also swallowed the life ring, which was tied to the ship. Suddenly, the whale pulls the ship along with it. The Pirates fall back and roll across the deck like logs. Pa Grape suddenly gets up.)
Pa Grape: Bring out the cannon!
Mr. Lunt: Aye-aye, captain!
(The cannon rises out of the floor and positions itself)
Mr. Lunt: We ain't got no ammo!
(Larry looks over and spots some garden items)
Larry: Oh, yes we do!
Pa Grape: Fire one!
(A tennis net pops out of the cannon. It does no good unfortunately.)
Pa Grape: Fire two!
(Two croquet mallets pop out of the cannon. Just like the tennis net, they do no good either. Larry looks around for something else to fire. He eyes a bowling bag with a red bowling ball in it. As he puts it in the cannon, Khalil pops out of one of the holes with a cup of tea.)
Khalil: Hello?
Pa Grape: Fire three!
(The bowling ball is fired out.)
Khalil: IIIIII'MMM COMIIIIING, TRAVELING BUDDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
(The Pirates watch as the bowling ball flies away above the ocean.)
Khalil: Traveling buddy! (whistles) Where are you?
(The whale suddenly emerges from the ocean, opens its mouth and swallows the ball. After that, it spits out the life ring before landing back in the ocean. The Pirates wait anxiously for a sign their friend is safe. The ducky inner tube suddenly emerges from the ocean. Larry smiles at first, but it quickly drops. The Pirates become disappointed they couldn't save their friend. Unbeknownst to them, he's still alive as we fade to inside the whale where Jonah sits on an old shipwreck moping about what he did. He then looks up to see the red bowling ball roll up to him.)
Jonah: Oh look, a bowling ball. If I could only find some pins.
Khalil: (from inside) You found better than that, traveling buddy! (emerges) It's me!
Jonah: Oh my.
Khalil: So forget about Tarshish. All we need to do is get this whale to swim to Nineveh! You give the message, I sell the plush toys! We'll be right back on track.
Jonah: Carlyle, please don't speak to me. I'm having a rather bad day.
Khalil: Well you don't need to be so down about it, Mr. Grumpy-Pants.
Jonah: Look around you! We're inside a whale! We're going to be digested! Do you know what that means?
Khalil: Of course I do! Digestion runs very deep in my family. I'm just trying to have a positive outlook, you know! You know the difference between you and me is that you see the whale as half empty, but I see the whale as half full!
Jonah: I don't know what that means.
Khalil: Neither do I.
(Jonah turns away and sits down forlornly.)
Jonah: Oh! I might as well face it. God gave me a job to do and I disobeyed Him. I ran the other way! I've done something terrible and now I'm getting what I deserve. I'm going to die here in this whale.
(Khalil tries to say something, but stops as he sees Jonah feeling down. Things look hopeless for the two, when suddenly...)
Angel 3: Have you ever see anything so pathetic?
Angel 1: Mmm-mmm. This boy needs some help.
Jonah: What? Who's there?
Angel 1: Take it easy, Jonah. We're on your side.
Jonah: Wha- How did you know my name? How did you get in here?
Khalil: Were you in the bowling ball too?
Angel 3: Uh, no, that's not how we get around. No, we came straight from the big man Himself.
Jonah: You mean-
Angel 2: Mmm-hmm. And just like you, we deliver His messages.
Jonah: So, you're prophets, too?
Angel 3: Mm, not exactly. You see, we work on a slightly higher level.
Jonah: Y-You do?
Angel 2: And Jonah, we've got a message for you.
(Second Chances begins)
Angel 1: You're feelin' pretty blue. You didn't do what God requested.
Angel 2: Yeah, I'd be mopin' too, if I was gonna be digested
Angel 3: This ain't a pretty picture, no I said, it ain't a pretty sight, no
Angel 1: You ran from God this morning and you're
Everyone: Whale! Chow! Tonight!
Angel 1: But..
Everyone: Hold up, hang on
Angel 2: Not so fast, your life ain't over yet
Angel 3: See, we're here to tell you all about
Angel 1: The forgiveness that
Everyone: You. Can. Get.
(The song's pace picks up.)
Angel 2: You see God's a God of mercy
Angel 1: God's a God of love
Everyone: And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above! (More angels appear in the whale.) Praise the Lord, He's the God of second chances. You'll be floored how his love your life enhances! You can be restored from your darkest circumstances. Our God is a God of second chances!
Angel 3: Ain't it good to know a God who gives a second chance?
Khalil: Why, that's enough to get a smile from Mr. Grumpy-Pants
Angel 1: So, if you say you're sorry for all the stuff you do
Angel 2: Know that He'll be ready with a second chance for you!
Everyone: Praise the Lord, He's the God of second chances! You'll be floored how His love your life enhances. You can be restored from your darkest circumstances. Our God is a God of second chances! Our God is a God! If you believe God's love is true, then you should know what you should do. If you believe God's love is true, then you should know what you should do. If you believe God's love is true, then you should know what you should do. If you believe, God's love is true, then you should know what you should do. God gives a second chance!
Angel 1:Second chances!
Angel 3: Second chances
Angel 1: Praise the Lord, He's the God of second chances! You'll be floored when you're restored from your- Everyone: -Darkest circumstances
Angel 1: Our God is a God!
Everyone: Second chances.
Angel 2: Second chances!
Angel 3: Praise the Lord, He is the God of second chances!
Angel 1: You'll be floored when you're restored from your-
Everyone: Darkest circumstances! Our God is a God!
Angel: Second chances
Everyone: If you believe God's love is true, then you should know what you should do. If you believe, God's love is true, Then you should know what you should do.
Angel 2: Second chances!
Angel 3: Second chances!
Angel 1: Praise the Lord, He's the God of second chances! You'll be floored when you're restored from your- Everyone: -Darkest circumstances! Our God is a God! (second chances!) Our God is a God! (Yeah!) Our God is a God! Second chances, second chances, second chances, second chances, second chances. (We see Angus with Grandpa George in a rowboat. Angus can hear the singing, but just barely.) Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaaaaaaah!
(Wipe back to the seafood restaurant)
Pa Grape: So from inside the whale, Jonah prayed and asked God to forgive him for not obeying. He told God that if he got another chance, he would go to Nineveh, even though he didn't like those people very much.
Bob: So did he get another chance?
Pa Grape: Shouldn't you be looking out for your tow truck?
Bob: Yeah yeah yeah, that can wait. Did Jonah get another chance?
Pa Grape: Well, God saw that Jonah needed help, and He wanted to help him.
Junior: That's compassion!
Bob: But did He give him a second chance even though he didn't deserve it? You know, mercy?
Pa Grape: After three days, Jonah noticed something strange happening.
(Fade to underwater where the whale, feeling rather sick, spits Jonah out. After he and Khalil land on the beach, they are greeted by Reginald, who just so happened to know where Jonah would be.)
Jonah: Oh, Reginald. Good to see you. Yes, well...
(Soon, the three trek across the desert.)
Pa Grape (narrating): So God told the whale to burp up Jonah, and Jonah got his second chance. (Jonah passes by some signs, one of which tells visitors of Nineveh they are welcome to leave.) And just like he promised, he headed straight for Nineveh!
(Jonah and Khalil then enter the canyon leading to Nineveh. Jonah looks around, uncomfortably. Then a noise from up ahead gets his attention.)
Crazed Man (hysterical): Turn back! Turn back! Turn back!! (The man runs right by Jonah.) The slapping! The slapping! (He runs into an outcrop on the canyon wall) Turn back! Turn back! Turn back!
(Jonah and Khalil keep going until they reach the city of Nineveh. They then approach the gates.)
Jonah: Go in, give the message, get out. Go in, give the message, get out.
Guard 1: Who goes there?!
(Jonah stops and sees two pea guards who point their fish spears at him)
Jonah: Ah, yes. My name is Jonah, and I'm a prophet from-
Guard #2: You're not from here, are you?
Jonah: Um, no, you see, I'm from-
Guard #1: That would make you a stranger, wouldn't it?
Jonah: Well, um, yes. I suppose so, but I-
Guard #2: We don't like strangers!
Jonah: No-, yes, I've heard that. But you see I have a-
Guard #1: So why're you here?!
Jonah: Well, I have a message.
Guard #1: A message? For who?
Jonah: Well, for everyone! For the whole city!
Guard #1: You've got a message for the whole city?!
Guard #2: The whole city?!
Guard #1: Oh, that's rich!
Guard #2: Heh, heh! I'll alert the king! "Your honor! A bleached asparagus has a message for us all!"
Guard #1: Most important!
Khalil: I do not think this is going very well.
Jonah: Oh, let's just go home. I did what you said. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Pa Grape: Jonah?
Jonah: What?
(Jonah sees the pirates have made it to Nineveh. They exit the gate wearing cheese curl hats.)
Khalil: It is our friends from the ship!
(Jonah jumps off from Reginald.)
Jonah: What on earth? What are you doing here?
Larry: What are you doing here?
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, you're were, you're were...
Pa Grape: Fish food!
Khalil: The whale spit us out like so much bad couscous, and here we are now! Delivering the message to Nineveh!
Jonah: But they wouldn't let us in, so I guess we're going home.
Mr. Lunt: Hey, I bet we could get him in.
Jonah: Huh?
(Later, the guards notice someone.)
Guard #1: Hey, look! It's the cheese curls blokes! Comin' back for a visit, are ya?
Pirates: Yep!
(The guards then notices Jonah.)
Guard #1: Ahem - is this fella with you?
Pa Grape: Oh, yes! He's with us!
Guard #1: You're with them, eh?
Jonah: Yes, indeed! Why, I sailed halfway across the world with these... fine... gentlemen.
Guard #1: Alright. You can come in. Enjoy your stay in Nineveh.
Jonah: What was that all about? How did you do that?
Pa Grape: Remember that money you gave us? By the way, you aren't gonna want that refund, are ya?
Jonah: Ah...
Pa Grape: Good, cuz we spent it! Every last penny! On cheese curls!
Jonah: Cheese curls?
Mr. Lunt: Yep! 1458 bags of Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls.
Larry: And you'll never guess what we found in bag 497.
Pa Grape: The golden ticket. We won the Mr. Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes! (Belches)
Jonah: Uh, huh. And the prize was?
Pa Grape: Mmm hmm. But in addition to our enviably fashionable headgear, we also got a tour of Mister Twisty's factory - right here in Nineveh! (The group enters the crowded market area, where everyone is slapping each other with fishes, just as God said.) Which, despite its unseemly location, was a splendid experience!
Larry: And, believe it or not, in this town we are famous!
Mr. Lunt: Hey, look! Here comes a city official to greet us!
Pa Grape: Hello! We were in the neighborhood, so we thought we'd-
City Official: These are the men! Arrest them at once!
Pa Grape: But... (he looks terrified)
Jonah: Excuse me. What have they done?
City Official: Thievery! High theft against the Royal City of Nineveh!
Mr. Lunt: That's ridiculous!
City Official: Oh, is it?!?
(He grabs Larry and takes off his cheese curl hat, revealing several cheese curl bags.)
Larry: No, wait! I thought there were free samples!
City Official: Take them away!
Jonah: You can't do that!
City Official: I'm sorry, are you with these men?
Jonah: Well, um... yes, I suppose... (Jonah sees a guard approaching him swiftly) Hello... What are you doing?
(The guard smacks him with the fish; cut to Jonah as the bag is being taken off of him as he sees the Ninevites gathered)
Jonah: Oh, wonderful! It must be time for my speech.
Pa Grape: (bag is taken off) Hey, I-I can't move!
Mr. Lunt: (bag is taken off) I can't move either!
(Another bag is taken off Larry as he struggles to move. Khalil is seen tied up with Jonah as he notices to ropes holding a flat metal fish above Pa Grape and Lunt; he gasps)
Pa Grape: What? Have I got something on my face?
(He sees another metal fish above Jonah and gasps; Larry sees both metal fish and both of them gasp)
Jonah: This doesn't look good.
Larry: I'm sorry guys, I thought they were free samples. They were right out there in the open in a big bowl! Very misleading!
Pa Grape: Oh, don't go blaming yourself.
Mr. Lunt: (referring to Pa Grape) No, blame him! "Let's put it all in cheese curls," he says. "No," I say, "we need a balanced portfolio, a little stock, a little bunce, a little cash or cash equivalence, and then maybe some snacks." But no, "put it all in cheese curls," he says. Man, you gotta plan for the future.
Pa Grape: What? It got us here, didn't it? Not here literally, but- (breathes heavily) We were somebody! We were celebrities!
Mr. Lunt: We are going to die!
(fanfare)
City Official: People of Nineveh! These four men and that small, whatever it is!
Khalil: I am a caterpillar! Well, that is only half true.
City Official: Have been found guilty of high thievery against the royal city of Nineveh. For their punishment: The Slap of No Return!
(All of the Ninevites laugh.)
Larry: What's so funny?
City Official: Observe!
(Some Ninevites bring out a pumpkin with a happy face and a scared face drawn on it. They place it on a stand for demonstration. Once in position, the executioner cuts the rope, sending the giant fish down and squishing the pumpkin. Jonah and the Pirates witness this and cry out in terror.)
Khalil: What is happening that is making you all cry like little babies?
Jonah: Why on Earth do you take snack food so seriously?!?
(fanfare)
City Official: People of Nineveh, I give you, King Twistomer!
(King Twistomer appears)
Pa Grape: It's Mr. Twisty!
Jonah: Well, that explains it.
Larry: He looks happier on the bag.
City Official: Your royal gourdliness... These are the perpetrators of the heinous act against your curls of cheese! For their punishment... The Slap of No Return!
(All of the Ninevites laugh again.)
King Twistomer: Proceed.
Jonah: Wait! Won't you at least give the guilty parties the chance to speak in their own defense?!
King Twistomer: You may speak.
Jonah: Well, as I understand it, the snacks in question were right out in the open, in a large bowl! I think we'll all agree this was somewhat misleading... Don't you think?
(beat)
King Twistomer: Slap them.
Jonah: No! You don't understand! I'm not really with them! I mean, how could I be? While they were taking the tour, I was in the belly of a whale!
(Before the executioner cuts the rope, he stops.)
City Official: What did you say?
Jonah: I said, while they were on their tour, I was in the belly of the whale!
(All of the Ninevites gasp.)
City Official: But, you're not dead.
Jonah: No, that's just it! I was in the whale for three days and nights! And then I prayed to my God and the great monster spit me up on the shore, so that I could bring you all a message!
King Twistomer: Hmm. Asparagus, here in Nineveh we bow to the Great Fish. We celebrate the Great Fish in our art.
Jonah: Yes. I noticed.
King Twistomer: If what you are saying is true...
City Official: Yes, how do we know if he is telling the truth, sire?
King Twistomer: Smell him.
City Official: Your highness?
King Twistomer: Smell him!
(The city official proceeds to do so and is disgusted)
Jonah: I-I'm terribly sorry. I'm meaning to shower but...
(The official faints)
King Twistomer: He has been in the Great Fish. We must hear the message.
Jonah: What? Oh. The Message. Yes. The message. Ah. What was the message? It's been so long. I... Yes. (clears throat) STOP IT! (All Ninevites gasp) Stop cheating, stop lying and especially stop slapping people with fishes, or this entire city will be destroyed! A Message From the Lord.
(Khalil claps for him and the Pirates smile.)
Pa Grape (narrating): Well, the king was very upset. He had no idea they weren't supposed to do that stuff. No one ever told him before.
(King Twistomer writes something down while Jonah, Khalil and the Pirates watch and wait; the pea guard then brings the scroll to the official)
City Official: A decree from the king: Let everyone call urgently to God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Perhaps the God that brought this man out of the great fish will give us a second chance.
(The Ninevites cheer, and Jonah, Khalil and the Pirates are happy to hear this)
King Twistomer: And let the asparagus and his friends go free.
(The Ninevites do just that.)
Pa Grape (narrating): So the king and the people of Nineveh said they were sorry, stopped the fish-slapping and started being nice to people...
Laura: Wow! That's great!
Junior: Yeah! Everyone musta been really happy, right?
Pa Grape: Well, almost everyone.
(We cut to Jonah riding on Reginald towards the city exit with the Pirates following behind. While the citizens are cheering for him, Jonah looks rather sour. Khalil, on the other hand, happily accepts the reception.)
Jonah: Yes, thank you. Thank you. So long. Yes, thank you very much.
Khalil: Thank you! Thank you!
(As they exit, Jonah says goodbye to the Pirates as they go their separate ways.)
Pa Grape (Narrating): Ya see, Jonah figured God wouldn't really forgive the Ninevites. I mean, they'd done some terrible stuff! No, he figured God had something else in mind.
(We fade to Jonah arriving on a cliff east of the city. He hops off Reginald and sits at the edge, watching over the city with a giant grin on his face. At first, Khalil happily joins in, but eventually gets confused. After about 14 seconds of silence, Khalil finally speaks up.)
Khalil: What are we doing?
Jonah: Oh, it's time to watch the fun!
Khalil: ...And what fun would that be?
Jonah: Well, I did what I was supposed to do. I warned them that they were going to get in big trouble! So, now that they've had their warning, it's time to watch God wipe them off the face of the earth!! Aha!
(Khalil is still confused, and a little concerned, but Jonah doesn't take notice. He leans closer to Khalil.)
Jonah: I picked a safe distance so we won't get singed.
(Khalil is now even more concerned. As time goes by, the hot sun continues to beat down on Jonah, causing him to sweat. His happiness is starting to fade away, both from the fact that nothing's happening, and the uncomfortable heat. However, he quickly shakes it off.)
Jonah: Oh, this is going to be great! The bad guys finally getting what they deserve!
(He continues to watch eagerly. As he begins to wilt, something shades him.)
Pa Grape (Narrating): So Jonah waited for God to destroy Nineveh. Even now, God was compassionate towards Jonah, and caused a plant to grow that shaded him from the hot sun.
Jonah: Hm?
(As Jonah looks behind him, he sees a giant plant covering him. Now comfortable and satisfied, he leans up against it.)
Jonah: Oh, yes! Very nice! Thank you! Very nice!
(As Khalil watches him, he notices a giant leaf sticking out the back of the plant and walks towards it. Jonah continues to watch, but starts becoming impatient.)
Pa Grape (Narrating): Jonah kept waiting, but it didn't seem like anything was happening. He wondered if maybe God was forgetting something.
(He gets up and looks towards God. As he does, the plant begins to shake.)
Jonah: Alright! I did my job! So...fire, brimstone, whatever, you pick, right over there! I'll just sit here under my weed and wait.
(As Jonah sits down, he suddenly falls backwards. He looks around, confused, as the plant begins to wither.)
Jonah: W..What happened?
(He suddenly sees Khalil munching on a leaf. He innocently hides the leaf behind his back.)
Jonah: What?! How could you?!?
Khalil: Hm? All your whining made me hungry. It was just a weed.
Jonah: Just a weed?! It...it was my shade! It was my friend!
(Jonah flops to the ground melodramatically.)
Jonah: Oh, dear Lord, how could you let this happen?! (sobbing)
(Khalil is completely perplexed and angry at Jonah's childishness, causing him to snap.)
Khalil: Would you look at yourself?! You care more about that weed than about all the people in Nineveh!
(Jonah sits up.)
Jonah: Well, I-
Khalil: Why are you here now instead of back in the belly of that whale?
(Jonah opens his mouth to speak, but only lets out a meek gasp.)
Khalil: Because God is compassionate! He wanted to help you! And because He is merciful, He gave you a second chance!
Jonah: Oh, ho, ho, yes! And I'm very grateful-
Khalil: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe God loves everybody, not just you? That maybe He wants to give everyone a second chance?
Jonah: Uh, well...
Khalil: He saw that those people needed help, that they didn't know right from wrong, and He wanted to help them! And that is why He sent you!
Jonah: Ah...
(Khalil walks to the edge of the cliff.)
Khalil: And when you told them what they were doing wrong, they said they were sorry! They put down their mackerels and their halibuts, and they asked God for a second chance, and by golly, He gave them one! Don't you see? God wants to give everyone a second chance, and so should we.
(Jonah isn't sure how to react to this. He angrily pouts as he ponders this.)
Jonah: Well...i..if they get a second chance, those fish-slappers, well, then...it would be better if I were dead!
(Jonah flops backwards and begins throwing a tantrum.)
Jonah: Oh, I wish I were back in that whale! (sobbing)
(Khalil is absolutely done with Jonah's foolishness.)
Khalil: You are pathetic.
(As Jonah continues to sob, Khalil starts walking away.)
Khalil: Y'know, patience runs very deep in my family, but not that deep. I am out of here!
(Jonah notices this, and sits up.)
Jonah: W..what? What are you doing?!
(Khalil stops and turns around.)
Khalil: I wanted to be big and important, just like you. But the world doesn't need more people who are big and important, the world needs more people who are nice, and compassionate, and merciful!...That's what I want to be. You can find yourself a new travelling buddy. Goodbye!
(Khalil resumes walking away, as Jonah stares in disbelief.)
Jonah: W..y...You can't just leave!!
Khalil: Can and am!
(Reginald begins to walk away as well.)
Jonah: B..but who will I talk to? You can't just leave me here all alone!...Hello?
(We cut to an overhead shot, craning upwards, as Jonah begs for them to come back, looking more and more alone the further they get. Because Reginald is faster, he gives time for Khalil to catch up with him.)
Jonah: Carlyle? Reginald? Carlyle? Khalil? Khalil? Khalil?! Ohhhhh.....
(The camera switches back to Pa Grape)
Pa Grape: The end. 
(Pa slams his divider shut. Everyone is confused including Bob.)
Bob: Wait a minute. It's over?
Pa Grape: Yep.
Bob: That's how it ends?
Pa Grape: Yep.
Junior: But what did Jonah learn?
Mr. Lunt: The question, my friends, is not "what did Jonah learn". The question is "What did you learn?".
Junior: Well, I learned that we need to help people who need help... And we need to give second chances. Even if they don't deserve them. But what's that got to do with us?
Pa Grape: Hey... tomato...
Bob: Eh?
Pa Grape: Your friend there... the big asparagus. If I'm not mistaken, he didn't do such a good job helping you with the map.
Bob: Oh, it was a disaster! He said he was sorry and that he'd do better next time, but no way! Uh uh! I- Oh. Mercy. I guess everyone deserves a second chance.
Pa Grape: Yup! Now get outa here before my crab legs get cold!
Mike: You know, that still wasn't a very good way to end a story!
Pa Grape: Well, whadya want? A big musical number?!?
Mike: Well... yeah!
Pa Grape: Who do they think I am, Twippo?
Voice: Yes?
(Several veggies look up, as they recognize the voice. They turn in their seats and peer over the booth to the entry-way, where they see none other than Twippo himself! (Also played by Archibald.))
Veggies: Twippo!
(Twippo smiles - a little apprehensively. Veggies rush him - Bob in front.)
Bob: What are you doing here?!?
Twippo: Well, I've got a concert tonight, but I'm running late! Can't find Route 59 to save my life! So I stopped here for directions.
Junior: We're going to your concert tonight! At least we were...
Bob: And then... porcupines!
Mike: And underwear!
Annie: And pirates!
Bob: And now it looks like we aren't going to make it at all.
Twippo: Good heavens! Well, if it's a ride you need, I've got plenty of room in my bus. You can all come with me!
(Everyone is excited except Laura)
Laura: Yeah, everyone but me.
(Junior notices Laura and hops to her)
Junior: Laura... You can have my ticket.
Laura: But Junior, it was my fault.
(Junior simply smiles and lifts the ticket up to her once again. Laura looks tenderly at Junior and smiles. Everyone smiles - amazed. Score swells. Twippo is impressed.)
Twippo: Why that was a very merciful thing to do! Tell you what, I'll give you all a ride to the concert, and I'll make sure you all have backstage passes! (everyone cheers in delight) Speaking of mercy, have any of you heard of the story of a man named... Jonah?
All: Yes.
Twippo: Oh, well, uh, would you like to hear a song about it?
Percy Pea: Is it like the Bald Bunny song?
Twippo: Ah, not really. It's more of a big musical number.
Mike: Perfect!
(Next camera switches to Twippo.)
(The song begins with Jonah Was a Prophet.)
Twippo
When I was a boy I went to church back home in Arizona
And it was there I learned the tale of a man whose name was Jonah
Now Jonah was a prophet, but that's not why he's remembered
They tell the tale, Cause in a whale he nearly was dismembered!
Pirates
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Oo-ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
And if you watch him you can spot it (Twippo: A-doodley-doo)
He did not get the point!
Twippo
Compassion and mercy from me to you and you to me
Exactly what god wants to see and yes that is the point!
Pirates
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Oo-ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
And if you watch him you can spot it (Twippo: A-doodley-doo)
He did not get the point!
Twippo
Now Jonah set sail on a pirate ship In a dreadful gale
Pirates
Got eaten up by a giant whale there is no more to be said
You think he would learn a lot From being saved from an awful spot
With a second chance that he had got He didn't want to be spread
Now poor old Jonah and now he's all alone-ah
Got to use a megaphone-ah to get it through to his head-HEY!
Pirates
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Oo-ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
And if you watch him you can spot it (Twippo: A-doodley-doo)
He did not get the point!
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Oo-ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
And if you watch him you can spot it (Twippo: A-doodley-doo)
He did not get the point!
Twippo
Now during your life you probably don't ride on a camel and you probably won't wake up inside a large aquatic mammal but all the same like Jonah there is something you can do everyone deserves to get a second chance from you!
Pirates
Compassion and mercy from me to you and you to me
Exactly what God wants to see and yes that is the point!
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Ooh ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
Jonah was a prophet (Twippo: Ooh ooh)
But he really never got it (Twippo: Sad but true)
Twippo and Pirates
Jonah was a prophet!
(Everyone cheers. Suddenly they are interrupted by someone.)
Khalil: I beg your pardon. I hate to break up the party, who needed to tow?
Twippo: Ah... have we met?
(Khalil smiles. And the movie ends. The songs during the credits include Belly of The Whale by The Newsboys and the Credits Song.)
Larry the Cucumber: This is the song that runs under the credits
These are the credits, so this is where it goes
Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say:
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: There once was a song, that ran under the credits
That went with the movie, but this is not that song
Has nothing to do with the movie so we'll say:
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
Wouldn't it be nice if the song under the credits
Had something to do with the movie you just saw
But that's not the case so for now we'll have to say:
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
There should be a rule that the song under the credits
Remotely pertains to the movie's basic plot
That rule has not been made so for now we'll have to say:
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey!
Larry the Cucumber: I'm gonna go home and take a nap!
Pa Grape: Come on, we have contractual obligations to finish the song.
Mr. Lunt: They paid for a full 79 minutes of entertainment, pal! Get back in the booth!
Larry the Cucumber: Wake me up for the prequel!
Pa Grape: Oh, come on! We were just starting to have fun! (laughs) Oh man, I need a Tums.
Mr. Lunt: What? What, are we done? You mean that's it? Zim-bom-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-bing? Hey, hey, ho ho ho, Hey hey, ho ho ho, hey hey... If you want me, I'll be on the porch.
Category:Transcripts