What to Shrexpect When You're Shrexpecting/Script

STICK 10: WHAT TO SHREKSPECT WHEN YOU’RE SHREKSPECTING
By Ancy & Solo
The special starts with Ben chasing Ssserpent chasing Salt.
(Ben): Hey, you! You better cut that out! Or else! …I’ll hurt you. Like, real bad. I swear.
(Ssserpent): Ha! You're just a ssssissy. I'm a real man!
Ssserpent continues to chase Salt until he trips and dies. 
(Ben): That was easy.
(Salt): Hey Bangle, can you take me home?
(Ben): My name is Ben and yes. In fact, I can fly you home with Big Chill!
Ben turns into Big Chill, only to find that Big Chill's pregnant again.
(Big Chill): What the--? Damn it, not this again.
(Salt): Gross, I don't take rides from fatties! Later, loser.
Salt flies away.
(Big Chill): I have no idea why Big Chill's pregnant again. Maybe Gaben knows why! 
Gaben comes down.
(Big Chill): Gaben, why am I pregnant again?
(Gaben): Good luck figuring it out.
Gaben teleports away.
(Big Chill): Dang it.
Cut to Ben's room at night. Big Chill flies in through the window.
(Big Chill): Phew, what a day. After a long day of Big Chill taking over my personality to build a nest for it's babies, I could use a good sleep.
Big Chill turns back into Ben, and goes to sleep. However, as he sleeps, the Omnitrix is making mysterious electric shortage noises...
In the morning, Ben wakes up. Everything is seen from his perspective. Ben gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, does his hair all nice, and puts in his hearing aid. However, while walking through the hall, he passes a mirror. Looking into the mirrror reveals that Ben... is pregnant.
(Ben): *a scream that could pierce the heavens*
Cut to the ext. of Baumann's house. Good ol' Baumann comes out the front door.
(Baumann): What the hell is going on?
Ben comes rushing out.
(Ben): BAUMANN YOU GOTTA HELP ME I'M PREGNANT
(Baumann): ...yeah good luck with that
Baumann runs back inside.
(Ben): dang it
Cut to the Plumber's Base. Blukic and Driba have Ben hooked up to a bunch of science gizmo.
(Driba): Well, everything seems fine. Your... tinkle has made way for a... Grand Canyon, so giving birth presumably won't be a problem. 
(Ben): Am I gonna have a Grand Canyon forever?
(Blukic): Who knows. We're smart fellers, not future tellers.
(Ben): What about the baby?
(Driba): Well, babIES, actually. Scans show that the creatures growing inside you appear to be multiple small moth-like aliens.
(Ben): Moth aliens? Just like Big Chill's offspring! I knew he had something to do with this!
(Blukic): Ya think it could be a glitch in the Omnitrix, Driba?
(Driba): Possibly. It could be that some kind of glitch in the Subject/Creature Transformation Recalibration Genetic System caused a fusion between Ben and his alien Big Chill.
(Ben): ....What?
(Driba): Alien watch go broke make Ben preggers with moths.
(Ben): Ah. So what now?
(Driba): We're just gonna wait for you to give birth and then we'll run further tests.
(Ben): Wait, why can't you just cut me open and get them out of me?
(Blukic): Because we don't feel like it, now get out.
Cut to Ben sitting at home. Julie comes in.
(Julie): Ben! I heard about you getting knocked up!
(Ben): Oh, yeah. It's just a weird alien thing, it'll be over before you know it.
(Julie): No bullspit, young man! You and I both know what you need.
(Ben): An abortion?
(Julie): No! A father for your children!
(Ben): Okay, Julie, first of all these things fly off into space and stay there for like 60 years after their birth, second of all you're not the one who knocked me up, third of all you would be a mother.
(Julie): I SAID NO BULLSPIT! 
Julie puts on a fake mustache;
(Julie): *doing a manly voice* Aw yeah, babe. Let's watch the game.
(Ben): julie no
Julie feels Ben's stomach.
(Julie): *doing a manly voice* These are some kick-ass babies, bro.
(Ben): julie stop
(Julie): WELL FINE THEN! YOU CAN GO FIND A DIFFERENT DAD FOR YOUR KIDS!
Julie runs away crying.
(Ben): What a weirdo. Doesn't she know that a pregnant man should be left alo--
Vilgax falls through the ceiling.
(Vilgax): Ben! I heard you got preggers! I came here to check out your cute baby bump! <3
(Ben): Vilgax, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone right now.
(Vilgax): What's wrong, Benji-poo? Pregnancy weighing you down?
(Ben): No, it's just that I keep getting bombarded by weirdoes trying weird things to help m---
(Vilgax): I know what you need! A preggo friend! A pregnant friend you can relate to and discuss baby names with!
(Ben): No, that's not really--
(Vilgax): Don't worry, Ben! I'm getting you a preggo friend! Don't you worry!
Vilgax leaves.
(Ben): ...ugh.
Cut to a few days later. Ben walks into a totally dark room. When he turns on the lights, he's surprised to find Vilgax hiding in the dark.
(Ben): Vilgax! You almost scared me into labor! Too bad you didn't because I'm getting sick of this fucking thing.
(Vilgax): Hi Ben! I found you your pregnant friends!
(Ben): What?
(Vilgax): I got you a wide category to choose from!
A pregnant Ester comes in.
(Ben): Ester!? When did you get pregnant?
(Ester): I'm giving birth to the antichrist next week!
(Ben): ...yeah okay bye
Ester leaves and a pregnant Attea comes in.
(Ben): I thought Incurseans laid eggs!
(Attea): Indeed. I swallowed one of the eggs to appear pregnant. We only have 6 hours until I digest it so let's make this quick.
(Ben): Yeah, I'm taking a pass on Attea.
Attea leaves and a pregnant Gwen comes in.
(Ben): Gwen!?
(Gwen): Hi Ben! Kevin and I decided to have kids!
(Ben): Yes, because the world clearly needs more Gwens. Next.
Gwen leaves and a time portal opens up. Out comes Paradox and a very pregnant Young Gwen.
(Paradox): Here's the girl, Vilgax. Now we're even.
(Ben): Wait, I don't remember Gwen getting pregnant during summer vacation!
(Young Gwen): Yeah, about that... Remember when we did it?
(Ben): ... nonononononono no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO GET HER OUT OF HERE
Suddenly, Gwen graps her stomach.
(Young Gwen): I-I think I'm going into labor!
(Ben): GIVE BIRTH IN YOUR OWN TIME HEATHEN
Ben kicks Gwen back into the time portal and Paradox follows. The time portal disappears, and a pregnant Verdona comes in.
(Ben): Ew, grandma! You got pregnant too? Gross! 
(Verdona): Hey! Just because I'm old doesn't mean I can't have--- oh i just had a miscarriage
Verdona leaves and a pregnant Rayona and Rook come in.
(Rook): Hey Bendude!
(Ben): Rook? You got Rayona pregnant?
(Rook): Yup! We recently found out it's triplets and we can barely live on our own on my paycheck, but anything for you!
(Ben): Magical. Get out. 
Rook cries and both him and Rayona leave. Finally, a pregnant Eighteight comes in.
(Vilgax): Welp, this is the final candidate!
(Ben): Let's hope this one is good.
(Eighteight): ....
(Ben): ....
(Eighteight): ....
(Ben): ...so you don't say anything at all? Nothing?
(Eighteight): ...
(Ben) She's perfect!
(Vilgax): YEY! :D
Cut to Ben and Eighteight sitting on the couch.
(Ben): Y'know, Eighteight, I think the big day's almost here. I can feel it in my bones. These babies are coming out any day now.
Suddenly, a pregnant Vilgax comes in.
(Vilgax): Hey, baby bump buddies! :D
(Ben): Vilgax!? You're pregnant too?
(Vilgax): Yup! I decided to get preggers to help you with your journey! Now we can all--- oh oh. I think... I think my water just broke.
(Ben): You know what? So did mine.
(Eighteight): *growling*
(Ben & Vilgax): WE'RE GIVING BIRTH!
Cut to St. Gaben's Hospital. Ben wakes up to be greeted by doctor Mufflinbum. 
(Mufflinbum): Congratulations, Mr. Tennyson!
(Ben): D-Did I do it? Did I give birth? 
(Mufflinbum): Yup! To five beautiful, healthy, stillborn babies.
(Ben): Stillborn!?
(Mufflinbum): Turns out you're supposed to give birth to them after 2 hours and you were pregnant for a week. Congrats.
Mufflinbum leaves. 
(Ben): Aw, man! Could this get any worse?
Vilgax comes in with a box.
(Vilgax): Hey Ben! I got you a present!
(Ben) Oh, neato burrito!
Ben opens the box. It's full of babies.
(Ben): The heck is this?
(Vilgax): Yeah, all those pregnant friends got pregnant just to be your friend, so after you rejected them and they gave birth they gave you the babies. Surprise!
(Ben): ...Hm. Don't worry, I know just how to get rid of them.
Cut to the Baumannitorium. Baumann comes in and discovers a package.
(Baumann): Ooooh, I hope it's my Kama Sutra book!
Baumann opens the package, only to discover dead babies.
(Baumann): WHAT THE FUCK
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
Category:Scripts