The SpongeBob and Ariana Grande Show

The SpongeBob and Ariana Grande Show is the thirty-ninth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the first episode of the fifth and final season. It was written by and released on May 3, 2023.
== Transcript ==
[Birds-eye shot of London. Ariana Grande is in her trailer on the set of Wicked: Part One, only in cinemas November 27, 2024.]
Ariana Grande: (scrolling on her phone) OH MY GODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCOOTER!!!
[Scooter Braun rushes in.]
Scooter Braun: Yes my little money maker- I mean Grammy winner?
Ariana Grande: The Kids' Choice Award was more prestigious, honestly.
Scooter Braun: What’s wrong?
Ariana Grande: They leaked footage of me on-set!
Scooter Braun: Oh no, anyway-
Ariana Grande: This is so fucking annoying.
Scooter Braun: It was inevitable and it boosts sales, who cares?!
Ariana Grande: I CARE! I read the things they write about me, hear what they're saying on the TV, it's crazy. It's getting hard for them to shock me, but every now and then it's shocking. Don't blame me, I know it's the life that I chose but baby I'm grateful, I want you to know. I'm happy for the love and all of the above. If I'm being honest. I done been through way too much.
Scooter Braun: And this my problem because…?
Ariana Grande: You acting like you got me at a bargain sale, you don’t even care. You’re my manager for God’s sake! I just want to breathe for five minutes, is that too much to ask? Can’t you just like find somewhere quiet nearby for me to lay low when we’re not filming?!
Scooter Braun: Bitch what you talking about?
Ariana Grandre: If you don't want to do the things I need from you, goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Goodbyeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scooter Braun: Ugh, fine. I’ll find a quiet place for you.
Ariana Grande: Thanks Scooter, I love you.
[Meanwhile in SpongeBob’s pineapple…]
SpongeBob: Ugh. It’s so boring around here without Daddy Pig.
Uncle Pig: I know, right? The place really feels different without an overweight British pig who is also a father in the house. 
Stanley: Yeah…
Peppa Pig Narrator: Uncle Pig and SpongeBob’s cousin Stanley live with SpongeBob now apparently.
SpongeBob: I miss Daddy Pig much!
Uncle Pig: I don’t. That fucking twat.
SpongeBob: Hey! He’s your brother!
Gary 3: What? He’s just being true and honest like my lord and savior Chris Chan.
Stanley: I thought your lord and savior was Andrew Tate.
Gary 3: Times change.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob working at The Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is making Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: 🎶Yeahhhh one two princes kneel before you. That’s what I said now. Princes, princes who adore-🎶
[Squidward pokes his head out from his boat.]
Squidward: SCUMBOB!
SpongeBob: GAH!
[SpongeBob starts intensely blushing.]
SpongeBob: Squ- Squ- Squidward! You’re so masculine when you yell.
Squidward: We got an order for a dozen vegan pat- (blushing) Wait? Really? You like my voice?
SpongeBob: Well I-
Squidward: Heh.
SpongeBob: Hm.
[The two try to conceal their flustered faces.]
Squidward: Anyway, um, we need the patties pronto!
SpongeBob: Got it, Squidward!
Squidward: Hey, what’s the matter? You seem off today?
SpongeBob: I don’t know… it’s nothing really.
Squidward: I can tell when something’s wrong.
SpongeBob: Well it’s just that it’s weird with Mr. Krabs in a retirement home now, and now Daddy Pig’s gone too and- oh I just can’t take it! It’s too much change!
Squidward: Well… change is inevitable. You can’t always rely on constants in your daily routine but… maybe you just need a new constant?
SpongeBob: What do you mean? Like a new roommate or something to replace Daddy Pig?
Squidward: Isn’t Daddy Pig’s brother? Uncle Pig living with you now?
SpongeBob: Yeah, why?
Squidward: Is he not like Daddy Pig?
SpongeBob: Nah, they’re nothing alike. I need a new cool roommate that I get along with and stuff.
Squidward: A new… (starts intensely blushing) you want a new roommate? One that- tha- that you get along with?
SpongeBob: Yeah! That’s a GREAT idea, Squidward! You’re the best!
[SpongeBob drops everything and runs out of The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: NEW ROOMMATE, HERE I COME!
Squidward: Where the FUCK are you going, ScumBob?!
[Perch Perkins approaches Squidward.]
Perch Perkins: Hey, did- did he just leave?
Squidward: We’re uh… we’re closing early today apparently, sorry.
[Squidward puts on a sleep mask and some earmuffs and lays down in his booth.]
Perch Perkins: Am I still getting those vegan patties?!
Squidward: Squidward is not here right now. Please leave a message after the tone.
[The Krusty Krab’s customers murmur in frustration; cut back to Ariana Grande and Scooter Braun. Scooter is scrolling on his phone.]
Scooter Braun: Okay, I’ve got up a list of the top five best hotels in London. Just take your pick, no price is too high.
Ariana Grande: Nooo! You don’t get it! I said I wanted somewhere quiet to lay low!
Scooter Braun: Okay, um… how about the Four Seasons at Park Lane?
Ariana Grande: The Four Seasons…? Really, bruv?
Scooter Braun: Sonic the Hedgehog went to the Four Seasons in Hawaii, the London branch wouldn’t be that good but I’m sure it’s still-
[Ariana snatches Scooter’s phone from him.]
Scooter Braun: Hey!
Ariana Grande: Just forget it, okay! I don’t want a five star hotel, I just need a small place less than an hour away.
Scooter Braun: (scoffs) What?! You mean like in Peppa Pig World or somewhere? You’re a mega star for God’s sake!
Ariana Grande: Oh my God!
Scooter Braun: What?
Ariana Grande: There’s some guy in Bikini Bottom who wants a new roommate! He looks so cute!
Scooter Braun: Pathetic, more like.
Ariana Grande: Stop! We’re going to Bikini Bottom, now! Take me all the wayyyyyyy! Ain’t nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob’s house; SpongeBob is vacuuming when the doorbell rings.]
SpongeBob: I’ll get it!
[SpongeBob opens the door and Ariana Grande is standing there.]
SpongeBob: MO-MO-MO-MOT-MOTH-MOTH-MO-
Ariana Grande: Mother has arrived.
[SpongeBob faints. Gary 3 slithers over to SpongeBob’s unconscious body.]
Gary 3: Oh no, not again!
[Gary 3 notices Ariana.]
Gary 3: Hey, I know you! You’re Kim Petras!
Ariana Grande: Really?
[Bubble transition to the three talking on the couch.]
Ariana Grande: -so like, I just need to like crash here for a little little while. I ain’t tryna sign no lease, I’m just gon’ make you my home. If that’s okay with you obviously.
SpongeBob: Of course it’s okay! (laughs) I’ve been desperate for a new roommate since Daddy Pig left!
Ariana Grande: Daddy Pig? 
SpongeBob: He’s a daddy and he’s a pig.
Ariana Grande: Oh right, that makes sense. Thank you so much, SpongeBob was it?
SpongeBob: It’s an uncommon name, and it’s no problem, Ms. Grande-Butera. 
Ariana Grande: Actually “Ari” is fine.
SpongeBob: Sweet! So, like… could I get anything for ya?
Ariana Grande: Oh, I don’t wanna be a burden or anything.
SpongeBob: No, no, I really don’t mind making you some bubble tea or something.
[Uncle Pig and Stanley walk in.]
Uncle Pig: Hey! You’ve never offered to make ME some bubble tea before!
[The two notice Ariana.]
Stanley: Who’s that?
Ariana Grande: I'm Ariana Grande and if that's not interesting enough, don't talk to me.
Uncle Pig: UGH. Isn’t she the guy stupid GAY people listen to?
SpongeBob: Don’t worry about him, Ari. He’s just a little homophobic but he’ll grow on you.
Uncle Pig: I’m NOT homophobic! I’m an ally!
Stanley: And you wonder why Auntie Pig kicked you out.
Uncle Pig: (mockingly) “And you wonder why Auntie Pig kicked you out.” I’m going to go take a fat shit.
[Uncle Pig walks off into the bathroom.]
Ariana Grande: I didn’t realise there were so many eccentric people living here.
SpongeBob: You get used to it after a while.
Ariana Grande: I just really want to get away from people, you know? Stop drawing attention to myself and stuff.
[Ariana sniffs the air.]
Ariana Grande: Are you wearing my perfume?
SpongeBob: Sweet Like Candy. Why?
Ariana Grande: Shut up! You have great taste, sister.
SpongeBob: (giggles) Thanks. It’s weird being complimented by a celebrit-
[Squidward bursts in.]
Squidward: SCUMBOB!
SpongeBob: (blushing again) Squ- Squidward?
Squidward: I didn’t know you were friends with Ariana Grande!
SpongeBob: Well I don’t know if I’d call us “friends” yet bu- …how did you know she was here?
Squidward: Gary 3 sent a message in the group chat.
Gary 3: Yo.
[Squidward violently shakes Ariana Grande’s hand.]
Squidward: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Grande! I’m your BIGGEST fan! You probably don’t remember me but I’ve been to all your world tours!
Ariana Grande: Oh my gosh! That’s so cool! Bikini Bottomites are so kind. But I really just want to be on my own right now, if that’s oka-
[Sparro walks in.]
Sparro: Like whoa! Is that Ariana Grande?
[Sylvia also appears.]
Sylvia: Boing.
SpongeBob: Oh no.
Ariana Grande: How many people are in this group chat of yours?
Gary 3: A lot.
Ariana Grande: Jesus Christ.
[Ariana Grande stands up and walks towards the front door.]
Ariana Grande: I’m so sorry, SpongeBob. I’m just going to go for a quiet walk for a while and then I’ll be strai-
[A huge crowd of people begin blocking the door.]
Squidina: Hey! It’s true! Ariana Grande’s here!
[The crowd cheers.]
Pearl: I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!
Suzy Sheep’s ghost: SLAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Madame Gazelle: I LOVE YOU ARIANA!
Mrs. Puff: I LOVE YOU ARI!
Larry the Lobster: I LOVE DONALD J. TRUMP!!!!!!!!!
[Bubble transition; at this point, the pineapple is now overflowing with people and a huge rave is taking place. Touch It by Ariana is blasting at full volume from the speakers.]
SpongeBot678: 🎶CAUSE EVERYTIME I SEE YOU I DON’T WANNA BEHAVE! I’M TIRED OF BEING PATIENT SO LET’S PICK UP THE PACE!! TAKE ME ALL THE WAYYYYY!!!!!!!! AIN’T NOBODY GONNA TOUCH IT, TOUCH IT, TOUCH IT!🎶
Ariana Grande: I DON’T EVEN LIKE THIS SONG!
SpongeBot678: I DON’T CARE!
Ariana Grande: THAT IS A BETTER SONG FROM THAT ALBUM!
Jess: I PREFER JASON’S SONG!
Scooter Braun: Oh my God, I love Jason’s Song!
[Note: the joke is that Jason’s Song is basically a Scooter Braun diss track.]
[Nicki Minaj walks in.]
Nicki Minaj: Yo, Ariana, come let me give you a high five.
Poy: YO NICKI MINAJ!
Nicki Minaj: I’m the queen of rap, young Ariana run pop.
Ariana Grande: Nicki? What are you doing here?
Nicki Minaj: Wouldn’t miss one of my best friend’s parties for anything.
Ariana Grande: This isn’t my party!
[The camera pans up to Boris Johnson half-naked and swinging on a chandelier.]
Boris Johnson: THIS PARTY IS LIT!
Uncle Pig: BORIS?!
SpongeBob: Aren’t you supposed to be in prison for murdering Suzy Sheep!
Boris Johnson: Yeah, but I LOVE a good party!
Ariana Grande: THIS ISN’T A PARTY!
Nicki Minaj: What?
Ariana Grande: I don’t want any of these people here! I just want to be on my own!
Nicki Minaj: Now I’m the bad guy, call me Chun-Li.
Chef Pee Pee: Has anyone seen Junior?
[Jason Derulo walks in.]
Jason Derulo: Ayo Chef Pee Pee! My main man!
Snoop Dogg: Chef Pee Pee, my G! I didn’t know you were at this dope party, dawg.
Ariana Grande: IT IS NOT A PARTY!!!!!!
Boris Johnson: That’s what I tried to tell the police when the Granolavirus was going on, but they didn’t listen. It’s okay, your secret’s safe with us, Ariana.
Liz Truss: Ariana? I thought this was a Taylor Swift party.
[Taylor Swift walks in.]
Taylor Swift: It’s me, hi.
Squidward: TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE TOO?! Someone hold me, I’m gonna faint.
SpongeBob: Please don’t. This is going to be a mess to clean up.
Gary 3: That’s your problem, not mine.
SpongeBob: GARY 3!
Gary 3: What?
SpongeBob: This IS your problem!
Gary 3: How the fuck is it my problem? All I did was send a mass text out to everyone in our group chat talking about a sick party with Ariana Grand- oh yeah this is all my fault. Whoops.
SpongeBob: We’re going to have a long talk once this is over.
[Steven from The Room approaches Gary 3.]
Steven: I agree with that. How could you do this?! You make me sick. You’re going to DESTROY Ari, she’s VERY SENSITIVE.
[Johnny from The Room walks in.]
Johnny: Thank you Ariana Grande, this is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
Ariana Grande: THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTY!
Johnny: Hahaha! You must be kidding, aren’t you?
Ariana Grande: EVERYONE BETRAY ME! I FED UP WITH THIS WORLD!
[Ariana Grande storms outside. Everyone stares in silence.]
Johnny: That’s my line… 🙁
[SpongeBob follows Ariana Grande outside. She is sitting by SpongeBob’s front door. SpongeBob sits next to her.]
SpongeBob: I… I’m sorry about all this.
Ariana Grande: …it’s okay. It’s not your fault.
SpongeBob: …
Ariana Grande: …
SpongeBob: You just wanted some space, huh?
Ariana Grande: …yuh.
SpongeBob: …you know, sometimes things just don’t work out. I wanted my roommate Daddy Pig to stay with me instead of moving back in with his bitch-wife so I thought having a new roommate, you, would make me feel better. …it didn’t.
[Johnny joins the two.]
Johnny: Don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.
SpongeBob: Exactly, Johnny from The Room (2003), exactly… I wish I knew that before.
[Pause.]
Ariana Grande: You know, SpongeBob and Johnny from The Room (2003)? I think you’re both right.
SpongeBob: We are? 
[Ariana Grande stands up.]
Ariana Grande: Yuh!
SpongeBob: All I did was give some vague speech-
Ariana Grande: SpongeBob, I love you but I’m going back to my London residence tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck what people think about me anymore.
SpongeBob: Oh. When I said you replacing Daddy Pig didn’t make me feel better I didn’t think you’d take that as an invitation to lea-
Ariana Grande: I AM ARIANA GRANDE-BUTERA AND I CAN DO ANYTHING!
SpongeBob: But I don’t want you to go bac-
Ariana Grande: I AM GOING TO GO BACK IN THERE AND PARTY LIKE NO TOMORROW!
[Ariana Grande heads back into the party; bubble transition to the next day. SpongeBob, Gary 3, Uncle Pig and Stanley are slumped on the couch as usual, surrounded by the mess of last night’s party. Uncle Pig pukes into a bucket.]
Uncle Pig: Ugh… I’m sorry, guys. I’m so hungover right now.
Stanley: It’s okay, it’s okay.
Uncle Pig: I wish Dua Lipa didn’t have to leave us for her five-figure mansion in London.
SpongeBob: Ariana Grande. And it’s a six-figure mansion. Also, I thought you said her music was for gay people.
Uncle Pig: I don’t fucking know, I can’t think straight. Brad Pitt is so fucking hot man.
Stanley: Did Daddy Pig also have homoerotic thoughts after getting drunk?
SpongeBob: Yeah…
Uncle Pig: I wanna pass out cuddling his muscles…
SpongeBob: Me too, man, me too.
Gary 3: Let’s just watch The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Stanley: I’m on it.
[Stanley picks up the TV remote and it catches fire.]
Stanley: Oh.
[Fin]
Category:2023
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