Sneak Attack

Sneak Attack is the thirty-sixth episode of Cult of Squid. It aired July 31, 2020 and was guest written by DanzxvFan8275.
== Plot ==
The Cult is back in business but is now more underground; the Rock Bottomites attack the cult to destroy them once and for all.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with the cult putting the finishing touches on the lodge)
Squidward: We’re almost done. Soon enough we’ll be back to business!
Noseward: (laying a brick down, looks back to see that they’re getting low) Oops, fork in the road.
Squidward: Not again! (points over to the street where a fork is laying down, a construction truck is seen hitting the fork and spinning out of control)
Initiator: Wait, so I wasn’t using a fork to eat my noodles.
(the truck lands on its side, and conveniently a mountain of bricks falls out)
Buff Jim: This truck has more bricks than Russell Westbrook.
Noseward: Enough folks, we have way too much work to be doing today.
Squidward: Indeed. After today, no one will stop us. No one!
(cuts to an ominous location in Rock Bottom, which is similar to the lodge of the cult but upside down. The Rock Bottomites inside gather around a totem pole in the center as the leader emerges from a shadow)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Ladies and (raspberry) gentlemen, out destiny (raspberry) is nigh!
Rock Bottomites: Huzzah! (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomite: (turns on projector) Soon enough (raspberry) we’ll be able to usurp (raspberry) control from the powerful (raspberry) cult in Bikini (raspberry) Bottom.
Young Rock Bottomite: Uh, question, sir? (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Oh no no no, you won’t be participating (raspberry) in our plans. (raspberry)
Young Rock Bottomite: But returning the paintings (raspberry) to the Rock Bottom Museum (raspberry) is lame.
Leader Rock Bottomite: What’s lame (raspberry) is Bikini Bottom. (raspberry)
Young Rock Bottomite: Uh, yeah, that’s why I asked. (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Why yes, I see. (raspberry) Enough talk, it’s time to prepare (raspberry) for the best night (raspberry) for the cult of (raspberry) Bikini Bottom. You understand? (raspberry)
Rock Bottomites: Yes (raspberry) sir!
Leader Rock Bottomite: Great. Time to initiate (raspberry) our plans.
(cuts back to the lodge)
Noseward: Almost complete. (takes out a cigar)
Squidward: Wait, since when could we afford cigars? What happened to our tight reconstruction budget?
Noseward: Um…
Buff Jim: We have all these bricks though. We’re fine.
Initiator: Yeah, but… (shows a control panel) not for long.
Noseward: (reads to see Rock Bottom as the location) What am I looking at?
Initiator: They seem to be emerging up to Bikini Bottom. (shoves map to the side) Their cult must be planning something egregious.
Noseward: Don’t worry, I got this. (opens the control panel back up, seeing a button that says “Nuke Rock Bottomite.” Noseward goes to press it before the Initiator slaps him)
Initiator: Partisan hack, what are you doing?
Noseward: Nuking Rock Bottom. I mean, that’s clearly what the button-
Initiator: Screw the button. You know we can’t be making the first move! Besides, what about our reconstruction budget?
Squidward: Well uh, that one was on me.
Noseward: Our military budget is now 10 times bigger than Rock Bottom’s.
Squidward: All we had to do was transfer it from the reconstruction budget.
Initiator: (slaps Noseward and Squidward) How about we just move our lodge underground?
Noseward: What would that do?
Initiator: Sir, did you not hear me talking about Rock Bottom a minute ago.
Noseward: Yes, but I don’t see how these are mutually inclusive statements.
Initiator: (sighs) Follow my lead.
(cuts back to Rock Bottom cult, where all members are shown to be going through intense training)
Leader Rock Bottomite: (yelling) How much (raspberry) do you want it?! (blows whistle, as several Rock Bottomites using punching bags and pushing sleds stop to wipe themselves off) Good work, everyone. (raspberry)
Rock Bottomite: Sir, why are you (raspberry) pretending like you’re a (raspberry) football coach?
Leader Rock Bottomite: What’s football? (raspberry)
Rock Bottomite: …nevermind. (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomite: (points his finger, which zaps the ground, spawning a barrel of weapons) Everyone take (raspberry) a laser gun. (raspberry)
(the Rock Bottomites start shuffling through the barrel, all equipping themselves)
Rock Bottomites: Huzzah! (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomites: We’ll take the bus (raspberry) up the wall. Then, we diverge. (raspberry)
(shows all Rock Bottomites putting their fists up in unison as it cuts to the lodge, which is now underground. We see members of the cult stepping onto a pressure plate disguised as a drain, as they start to submerge into the ground and step out of an elevator door. The lodge is now renovated to accommodate the changes)
Squidward: I can’t believe we had enough to do this.
Noseward: What do you mean? All we did was shoved the lodge through the ground.
Initiator: Yeah, and we stole the pressure plate from the Feathered Friends.
(cuts to the Feathered Friends lodge where SpongeBob walks onto an actual drain, causing him to slip through and fall to the bottom.)
SpongeBob: Goddamnit, I mistook this for Sandy!
(cuts back to the Squid cult)
Noseward: Anyway, so, uh, what else should we do to save ourselves from Rock Bottom?
Initiator: Steal from the Feathered Friends?
Noseward: Tempting, but no.
Initiator: (control panel beeps) Well think of something quick, because they’re gonna be here any minute now. We wouldn’t wanna be destroyed again.
(Squidward reappears with a handful of supplies)
Squidward: Just stole some more from the Feathered Friends!
(cuts back to Feathered Friends lodge where SpongeBob is in the drain)
SpongeBob: Oh, I know! (roots through the supplies box just to kick it when it empties) Goddamnit.
(cuts back to Underground Cephalopod Lodge)
Noseward: Why yes, I see. (Squidward distributes the gear and weapons, all of the members are now stocked up with materials and are hiding behind a wall in the lodge. The Initiator pulls out a walkie talkie)
Initiator: 10 minutes until blazing time. (camera zooms out)
Buff Jim: The walkie talkies were a waste of money. Unless they were stole-
Squidward: Stolen from the Feathered Friends, yes.
Buff Jim: Right.
(cuts to the Rock Bottomites assembling off of the bus)
Bus Driver: Tip?
Leader Rock Bottomite: I don’t understand (raspberry) your accent. (raspberry)
Bus Driver: Ugh… Diane is gonna be pissed tonight. (drives backward into Rock Bottom, presumably crashing on the bottom)
Rock Bottomite: What now (raspberry) boss?
Leader Rock Bottom: Keep a lookout. (raspberry) I heard it looks (raspberry) like ours. They ripped (raspberry) us off.
Rock Bottomite: Are you sure (raspberry) it wasn’t…
(leader slaps him)
Rock Bottomite: (raspberry) Point taken. (raspberry)
(they continue to march across Bikini Bottom until the leader pulls out the same type of panel the Squid cult has. Clips show of both the Rock Bottomites and the cult members going back and forth)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Locate the Cephalopod Lodge. (raspberry)
(cuts to cult)
Squidward: Locate the Rock Bottomites.
(cuts to Rock Bottomites)
Control Panel: Your destination (raspberry) is a mile away.
(cuts to cult)
Control Panel: Your target is inching past the mile mark.
Noseward: Damn fools. (loads up his handgun) I bet that pink buffoon Patrick used this, I can sense that this was used wrong.
Squidward: Who cares.
Initiator: Pffft. (control panel beeps) Man your stations, boys! This says that they’re right on top of us!
(cuts to the Rock Bottomites who are looking at the control panel)
Control Panel: The destination is right (raspberry) in front of you.
Leader Rock Bottomite: In the words of Golfpecks256 (raspberry) about No Malarkey in Bikini Bottomite (raspberry), DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨 and (raspberry) FULL STEAM AHEAD!
(the Rock Bottomites charge ahead, hovering right over the underground location without noticing)
Young Rock Bottomite: BOMBS AWAY! (raspberry, then throws a grenade forward, which ignites and blows up in the middle of nowhere)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Uh, rookie (raspberry), what the hell was that?
Young Rock Bottomite: I thought I saw (raspberry) them over there. (raspberry) Honest!
Control Panel: You are now (raspberry) further away from the lodge. (raspberry)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Oh. I see. (raspberry) Interesting. Alright folks (raspberry), turn around. (they all begin to charge back where they came from, accidentally hitting the pressure plate and falling down) Follow that damn fool! (raspberry)
(cuts to the cult underground)
Squidward: (sweating) They’re getting close, I can feel it!
Noseward: I can feel something too… it feels like a certain rush of-
Initiator: They activated the pressure plate! Enter final defense mode! (ducks behind wall; Squidward wraps his tentacle around the wall to grab a plate of armor that he attaches to his chestplate)
Squidward: Clear! (fires)
Noseward: Mr. Tentacles, they are not here yet.
Squidward: Oh. (some rock bottomites inch around the walls and draw their guns)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Now we are! (raspberry)
Noseward: Hey, what’s with the accent?
Rock Bottomite: What? (raspberry) I’m not sure what (raspberry) you’re saying.
Squidward: Listen to yourself.
Rock Bottomite: Yeah (raspberry), perhaps-
Initiator: Stop the shenanigans and start the battle already! (facepalms)
Squidward: Oh, right. (takes the first shot which knocks out a Rock Bottomite in the back)
Rock Bottomite: Avenge me! (raspberry, falls down. The Leader calls for reinforcements as both sides start taking cover and shooting. All of the background members of both sides start to fall down and pass their weapons down to the more experienced members)
Noseward: Come on cult, push through! (aims for the leader but he’s able to dodge the attack, blowing a raspberry in response)
(the battle continues as the tension between the two sides gets more intense. They start to make their ways around the lodge, using several pieces of equipment to hide themselves and deflect the bullets. After a couple minutes, both sides seem to be down to their core members as Squidward, Noseward, and the Initiator are crowded around the leader of the Rock Bottomites)
Leader Rock Bottomite: I knew this day (raspberry) would come.
Squidward: So did we. (aims at him as the leader puts his arms up)
Leader Rock Bottomite: Wait, let me strike a deal. (raspberry)
Noseward: We’re listening. (pulls gun away)
Leader Rock Bottomite: If you let me survive (raspberry), I’ll give you access to (raspberry) all of our supplies.
Initiator: We have better supplies, as demonstrated by our win.
Leader Rock Bottomite: Good point. (thinks) Well, we also have (raspberry) information you might like. Information about (raspberry) your rivals. (gets a smirk)
Squidward: (shaking) Hm...
Leader Rock Bottomite: What? (raspberry)
Squidward: Let us have your control panel and it’s a deal.
Leader Rock Bottomite: Alright, fair enough. (raspberry; hands him the panel. Squidward tosses it to the Initiator)
Squidward: You know what to do.
Initiator: It’s an honor. I can speak Rock Bottomite too. (turns to panel) Panel, please load (raspberry) information about the Cephalopod (raspberry) Lodge’s rivals.
Control Panel: Search complete. No (raspberry) information is available. (raspberry; Initiator nods to Squidward)
Squidward: (angry look) Liar. (shoots the leader in the head, as he falls down and gives a final raspberry before he dies)
Noseward: We did it boys. We’ve beaten the menacing Rock Bottomites.
Initiator: They couldn’t match up to us. (raspberry) Um… interesting. (raspberry)
Squidward: Uh, Initiator?
Initiator: Yeah I’ll get it checked out. (raspberry) Damn it!
Squidward: Welp. (gathers up all of the weapons) Time to return these to the Feathered Friends before they realize we stole them.
Noseward: Way ahead of you.
(cuts to Feathered Friends where SpongeBob is still in the drain. Patrick tries to open it, but is unsuccessful due to a lack of tools)
Patrick: Hm… (bangs head against drain, but that knocks him out and makes him fall on top of SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Ouch! (collapses) Welp, I suppose Patrick isn’t a tool after all.
(episode ends)
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