Jonah's Missions

Jonah's Missions is an upcoming animated film based on the video game of the same name.
== Synopsis ==
In Jaws City, the dinosaurs have invaded. Everybody uses Bira Guns and Man Portable Air Defense Systems to kill them, however, a new law is made forbidding citizen violence. Instead, the civilians must use grappling guns and cages instead, to their dismay. However, they eventually get used to it, which infuriates the God of War, who decides to impregnate a beautiful woman with a horrfiying, gigantic, mighty creature; Beast. Beast wreaks havoc through the city, and the citizens must learn to fight back again with Jonah, Abe, Spindler, and Welsh.
== Parents Guide ==
=== Sex & Nudity ===
Extreme sex and nudity.
* Jonah makes a comment that we later learn is not true, about Undertow's brothers dying upon learning about their knowledge of their mother (meant sexually).
* Zachary reminds Jonah that abstinence prior to combat is essential (referring to Jonah and the pedestrians). Jonah then has his guys sing, and thus they do a bawdy ditty about bridges and s**ts, including about "taking some for c***us and information" ("and all we got was mast*****ion"), showing a woman his scrotum and her still wanting more, lines about a w**re showing the alto more than one way to "wet his cereal" (presumably a climax joke), and about another being so hot it took a glacier to cool her... (but the lyric about her genitals is interrupted before being said in unison).
* Spindler peers through an ingress where we see a guy and gal frisking, with a brief and partial view of the woman's naked breasts (no nipples).
* Overlord drunkenly grabs Spindler, and kisses on her, so he pukes on him.
* Overlord wears a toga and as he drunkenly moves around in it, we see a glimpse of the side of and then a full frontal view of his nude crotch (no genitalia depicted).
* Overlord drunkenly talks about a celebration of "f****g", and something about the violation of virgos.
* Jonah says that not only is he there to murder a creature, but also to taste Overlord's ale. That prompts Spidnler to state that several have come to taste Overlord's ale, Overlord explaining it is a double meaning where he lives, implying something sexual.
* One of Abe stares at a woman's jiggling buttocks. As she works, she purposely sexually emphasizes this to entice him. When Welsh mentions that it has been five days for him, Abe states that it is no wonder that his "marrow is turning harder than a seed".
* We see a flashback to Jonah in a swimming contest with Welsh (both are in swim trunks).
* While submerged with a sea serpent, Jonah encounters a naiad, and we see the shape of her naked breasts, but none of the details.
* We see the same veteran and buttocks jiggling woman from above, with him holding her in a close embrace. He drops various lines of sexual innuendo, such as him having the necessary equipment to transport her to ecstasy, and that no other man can satisfy her like him. When Beast is mentioned, the woman says you do not hear it when he comes, prompting the comrade to drop another line of innuendo, saying that she will feel his power (meant sexually in terms of an orgasm). She does not want this to continue, but he asks about a "fanning", prompting her to kick him in the testicles. Later, when Abe returns to his soldiers, others ask about what happened, with Abe saying she was not his type. That prompts Spindler to respond jokingly that he knows Abe's type, saying "flamboyant".
* Overlord tells Welsh that they should "bounce the bed," but Welsh says he is straight.
* Believing he must fight Beast bare, Jonah strips down in front of Welsh, with him then looking in astonishment at his genitals that we do not see. As he walks away, however, you see some hair. Welsh leaves, and he lies down fully bare, with the view of his naked crotch nearly blocked by someone's arm in the foreground of our camera view.
* Jonah fights Beast naked, and there are various views of Jonah's obscured penis. Other shots have his nude butt, while others pass by so fast that it is possible for his genitals to be seen, but only for a split second (and only in slow motion if the movie is viewed that way once on home video).
* Overlord tells Welsh to come to bed, saying that he needs a heir, and that he should do his duty. He asks, however, how he can lay with him after he laid with her (referring to Beast's mother).
* About Jonah having murdered Beast, Eve sexually wonders if all of his destructiveness is in his arms or his legs, adding "all three of them" (prompting her and other commoners to chuckle). Welsh then tells one of those customers that she can find out that night. One of those women's you know what's jiggle.
* We see an overhead view of a couple under a sheet on the floor, tired, and we see the woman's cleavage and her bare back.
* We see Jonah naked and asleep on the floor, when Abe suddenly hovers above him. He then tells him to give him a kid, to enter him, and leave him a sire. This turns out to be a nightmare, however, as he suddenly turns into the devil with sharp teeth
* We see Beast in the period equivalent of swim trunks when he encounters Beast's mother, who is fully naked, with a strategically placed thin layer of muck slowly running off her breasts and crotch. Nevertheless, she appears fully bare from both the front and rear (while wearing high pumps), and the moisture on her body makes it glisten and show off her curves and abundant bosom quite distinctly. During this scene, the camera pans down the front of her body in close-up and we see very much everything except for the fine details (no anus, no hair, although it is implied there is none of the latter). She slowly walks around Jonah in this fully naked state, seducing him. She then tells him to give her a boy, and to love her, all while sexually stroking his gun that then dissolves away into nothingness. They then passionately kiss while standing (she fully bare, he in those small shorts), and sex is implied. When Jonah returns to see Warlord, he lies that he assassinated Beast's ma. Overlord knows that he is lying, and thus tells the others that Jonah destroyed Beast, and f***ed his mommy in her gravestone.
* Jonah comments on thinking that being leader meant several things, including "copulation" with pretty customers every evening. Lily then uses that same term, and he admits that it does happen nightly. She wants that to happen this night with him, but he says no, that he feels his age (he is old unlike her).
* We see Lily get out of bed from Jonah (and put on clothes, but no nudity is present), and previous sex is suggested. When she leaves that room, she runs into Welsh, who is accepting of the affair.
* Jonah returns to Beast's parent's grotto and encounters her, fully naked once again (several years after their first encounter, although she looks the same).
* Beast's mom hovers up above a killed king on his funeral pyre dragon ship, and we see her entirely nude buttocks. She then goes down in the water with it, and then comes back up looking alluringly toward Zachary and we see the tops of her naked breasts in the water.
=== Violence & Gore ===
Extreme blood, gore, violence, pistol, and battle ax usage.
* We see the fronts of Spindler and Welsh as they defecate, but we only hear the defecation and do not see it.
* We see a closeup view of blood coming out of Beast's face.
* When a guy falls and is decapitated on the pointy part of a chandelier, we see a lot of blood, while another who is impaled completely is far bloodier (with gory results, including the views of organs).
* Beast appears as a deformed, rotten, slimy, and ugly troll and thus will horrify young viewers.
* We see Beast carrying a corpse, and there are others including skeletons in his layer.
* Following Beast's attack, we see a carcass thrown onto a cart that is carrying other cadavers.
* We see a squirrel on a skewer.
* Jonah repeatedly impales a sea serpent in its head, slices another lengthwise down its serpentine body, and bursts out of the face of another after it swallows him (with bloody/gory results in all instances).
* Beast attacks the guys again, grabbing, knocking, and throwing others about, including one pedestrian having a naginata fly up into the air and then land down into him. Abe then runs up and slams his blade into Beast's massive face (prompting slime to flow out from the wound). Beast then throws him to the ground and grabs another guy and bites out his eye (we do not see the actual bite, but we hear it, as well as the crunching sound of Beast chewing it up). Jonah then repeatedly closes an entrance onto the now shrunken Beast's arm, eventually severing it, and we see a gallon of blood on the floor around it.
* Jonah wakes up to find all of his men hanging deceased from a towering ceiling, and we hear what sounds like blood dripping from all of them (the result of Beast's mom assassinating them in the middle of the night).
* As Beast's mom seduces Jonah, we see her carrying a killed boy's severed eye. Later, Jonah throws that to the floor when he returns to see Overlord.
* We see several harpoons fired from Jonah's soldiers into others, including one that goes through Adam's eyeball. We also see all sorts of brutal handtohand fighting where people are struck or decapitated with hatchets, blades, and the like. 
* A guy is hit in the back with an axe, and falls into a pool of drool, where his blood mixes with that.
* A minion has a lot bit of blood on his eye.
* We see a pedestrian with bad burn marks on half of his eyeball.
* During a battle with a pterosaur, Jonah cuts down through its wing, and pokes a large hole in its head through which he to grab its small cerebrum, which we see in detail. We also see Jonah's burnt buttocks from contact with the pteranodon's fire.
* The creatures destroy several humans.
* Unfurl repeatedly hits his young barbarian with a twig for spilling wine (this occurs at others times as well).
* Swords/Hatchets/Spikes/Darts/Guns: Carried and/or used to fight, hurt, or destroy others.
* A large finch suddenly grabs a rat with its talons.
* Many men are knocked back across the champagne hall by an unseen force. We then see that it is Beast, a fairly large creature that then proceeds to attack more guys. That includes stomping a table down onto one pedestrian, striking another, grabbing and squashing a gal, and throwing a man into the air who then lands on something sharp, thus decapitating him. Others pass out or are decapitated, and Beast impales one person (seen as a shadow, but we then see the remains of the person, including bloody organs and such). A hatchet is thrown into Beast, and all of the above attack is super brutal in nature.
* Guys push each other.
* Unfurl hits Jonah many times but his blows are blocked, and Jonah throws him aside.
* A woman kicks a man who is coming on to her in the testicles.
* Beast attacks the guys again, grabbing, knocking, and throwing others about, including one pedestrian having a naginata fly up into the air and then land down into him. Abe then runs up and slams his blade into Beast's massive face (prompting slime to flow out from the wound). Beast then throws him to the ground and grabs another guy and bites out his eye (we do not see the actual bite, but we hear it, as well as the crunching sound of Beast chewing it up). Beast murders more guys, while one human repeatedly impales him up at the crotch area. Beast also falls back into a bonfire and reacts in pain, while Jonah attacks the troll. Beast manages to kick Jonah backwards, but that does not deter Jonah who jumps on his back and repeatedly kicks Beast in the face. As he does so, that causes Beast to shrink in size until he is the same height as Jonah. The hero then wraps a chain around Beast, preventing him from leaving. Jonah then repeatedly closes an entrance onto the Beast's arm, eventually severing it, and we see a gallon of blood on the floor around it.
* Unfurl punches his warlord son.
* An associate jumps to his death to the shore far below the base (we do not see the impact, but do see his carcass down by the tidal waves, and his wife sees this happen).
* Some of Jonah's associates manhandle and strike a safe cracker, with one holding a sword to the man's throat, prepared to slit it. Jonah then allows that guy to be let go so that he can fight Jonah, but that man is not prepared for Jonah violently confronting him in a verbal and menacing fashion. Thus, and despite him holding a weapon to his eyeball, nothing happens.
* Unfurl kicks a savage who is a now a man.
* A pterodactyl burns an abbey (symbolized by the fiery crucifix falling from the collapsing structure) and it is suggested that several people were died in the tribe (we see one burnt, but alive adult).
* A giant pterodactyl hits Jonah with its burning breath, torching everything around him. Jonah then throws an ax into the pterodactyl and catches a ride on it as it takes off, knocking down Jonah's pickup truck with its wings that then results in another car and driver wiping out. Jonah then avoid hitting various oak trees while hanging onto a line attached to that hatchet, and must avoid several spears fired at the pterodactyl, knocking them away with his clay more. The pterodactyl torches several men on the other side of an abyss and on a bridge ladder, while Jonah cuts himself free from the pterodactyl and falls, but then almost hangs on to the side of the nearby ledge. Meanwhile, the pterodactyl kills various people, wounding or murdering them. That is followed by Jonah jumping on its back and slicing it in half with a long sword, holding onto the winged side as the still alive pterodactyl flies and knocks him off, including smashing into the side of a ledge, and then diving deep under the water, with Jonah needing to hold his breath for a long time. Once back up into the air, the pterodactyl tries to assassinate Welsh and Abe, both with its flaming breath and by crushing its giant mouth down onto the rock bridge ladder where they are standing. Still on the pterodactyl's winged side, Jonah redirects the flames as well as destroys the carnivore. There are various close calls during this sequence, including Jonah falling and about to be impaled by a spiky flagpole after cutting through the pterodactyl's wing, causing it to lose altitude. He then drives his blade through the pterodactyl's neck and repeatedly reaches in and grabs the pterodactyl's small brain (all as the pterodactyl continues its torture on Abe and Welsh). Realizing the cerebrum is out of his reach, Jonah puts his sword inside his mesh breastplate and slices off his own arm (with the mesh armor still attached to the pterodactyl). After burning his buttocks on the fire that comes out through the pit, he then manages to reach the pterodactyl's brain and tear it out, assassinating the carnivore and sending both it and him crashing down onto the shore. During this, Welsh dangles from the bridge ladder, followed by Abe dangling from Welsh's fingers. Welsh then lets go, but Zachary grabs and saves Abe from falling to his death.
=== Profanity ===
* For actual, moderate profanity:
** 4 slang terms for sex ("c***us" and "f***ed"), 7 nonsexual f**ks, 1 sh*t and what sounded like 1 use of c**t.
* For moderately imitative behavior:
** Phrases: "Where the f**k are you?" a racial slur, "You ungrateful as*hole, a homophobic slur. "Kill me, f**k you, I am Jonah, here to murder your creature," "So f**king grateful," "bitch witch" and "Get on with your f**king lives."
** All of the combat, stunts, and action are enticing for children to imitate.
** Many people loudly fart after drinking.
** Overlord drunkenly grabs Spindler, and kisses him, so he pukes on him.
** An associate jumps to his death to the shore far below the base (we do not see the impact, but do see his carcass down by the tidal waves, and his wife sees this happen).
* For, super disrespectful stuff:
** Beast's mom seduces various men, including Overlord who cheats on his wife the for her.
** When someone mentions that perhaps they need the help of Christ, Overlord says no, they need a superhero (Christian viewers will hate that comment).
** Jonah embellishes several of his stories, and lies about murdering Beast's ma when he instead only bedded her.
** Jonah comments on God destroying all adventurers, leaving only martyrs (Christians will hate that comment).
** Jonah cheats on his wife for Beast's mother.
** Unfurl repeatedly hits his young barbarian with a twig for spilling wine (this occurs at others times as well).
=== Alcohol/Drugs/Smoking ===
Heavy drinking, no tobacco use
* Various people drink beer, including Overlord who guzzles his down. He later is knocked out from that.
* Jonah says that not only is he there to murder a creature, but also to taste Overlord's ale. Overlord then has the previously shuttered mead hallway opened again for him.
* Referring to Undertow, Jonah says he finds it impossible to argue with a drunken man.
* We see more drinking of mead.
* Jonah tells others they should drink to the memory of fallen soldiers.
* Jonah drinks rum.
* Miscellaneous people drink.
=== Frightening/Intense Scenes ===
* For heavy nightmarish scenes (but not to the extent of other films):
** Scenes listed under "Violence & Gore" are unsettling, suspenseful and terrifying for young viewers and/or those with no tolerance for such material.
** In addition and where applicable, the 3 D effects will intensify the fearsome scenes for young viewers.
** Many men are knocked back across the champagne hall by an unseen force. We then see that it is Beast, a fairly large creature that then proceeds to attack more guys. That includes stomping a table down onto one pedestrian, striking another, grabbing and squashing a gal, and throwing a man into the air who then lands on something sharp, thus decapitating him. Others pass out or are decapitated, and Beast impales one person (seen as a shadow, but we then see the remains of the person, including bloody organs and such). A hatchet is thrown into Beast, and the troll, while standing directly above Abe, slowly approaches Overlord in a menacing fashion, but does not kill him. Beast is then sucked back to the sky and magic flames and vanishes. All of the above attack is super brutal in nature.
** Beast appears as a deformed, rotten, slimy, and ugly troll and thus will horrify young viewers.
** A pike is pointed directly at Jonah's throat.
** We see a flashback to Jonah in a swimming contest with Welsh when many giant leviathans attack. Jonah repeatedly impales one in its lone head, slices another lengthwise down its serpentine body, and bursts out of the head of another after it swallows him (the ocean creatures'' appearance will scare young children). As Jonah holds on, one sea serpent dives below the surface and takes him down quite deep.
** Beast attacks the guys again, grabbing, knocking, and throwing others about, including one pedestrian having a naginata fly up into the air and then land down into him. Abe then runs up and slams his blade into Beast's massive face (prompting slime to flow out from the wound). Beast then throws him to the ground and grabs another guy and bites out his eye (we do not see the actual bite, but we hear it, as well as the crunching sound of Beast chewing it up). Beast murders more guys, while one human repeatedly impales him up at the crotch area. Beast also falls back into a bonfire and reacts in pain, while Jonah attacks the troll. Beast manages to kick Jonah backwards, but that does not deter Jonah who jumps on his back and repeatedly kicks Beast in the face. As he does so, that causes Beast to shrink in size until he is the same height as Jonah. The hero then wraps a chain around Beast, preventing him from leaving. Jonah then repeatedly closes an entrance onto the Beast's arm, eventually severing it, and we see a gallon of blood on the floor around it.
** We see many wrapped corpses on a funeral pyre.
** We see Jonah naked and asleep on the floor, when Abe suddenly hovers above him. This turns out to be a nightmare, however, as he suddenly turns into the devil with sharp teeth.
** Jonah wakes up to find all of his men hanging deceased from a towering ceiling, and we hear what sounds like blood dripping from all of them (the result of Beast's mom assassinating them in the middle of the night).
** We see several skeletons and cranium in Beast's shrine. Jonah slowly makes his way through the progressively deeper water there, looking for Beast's mom who has destroyed all of his guys. His torch goes out, and we see the image of Beast's mother.
** An applicant jumps to his death to the shore far below the base (we do not see the impact, but do see his carcass down by the tidal waves, and his wife sees this happen).
** Some of Jonah's associates manhandle and strike a safe cracker, with one holding a sword to the man's throat, prepared to slit it. Jonah then allows that guy to be let go so that he can fight Jonah, but that man is not prepared for Jonah violently confronting him in a verbal and menacing fashion. Thus, and despite him holding a weapon to his eyeball, nothing happens.
** Jonah has a nightmare where he sees a reflection in the water that then turns abominable in appearance.
** A giant pterodactyl hits Jonah with its burning breath, torching everything around him. Jonah then throws an ax into the pterodactyl and catches a ride on it as it takes off, knocking down Jonah's pickup truck with its wings that then results in another car and driver wiping out. Jonah then avoid hitting various oak trees while hanging onto a line attached to that hatchet, and must avoid several spears fired at the pterodactyl, knocking them away with his clay more. The pterodactyl torches several men on the other side of an abyss and on a bridge ladder, while Jonah cuts himself free from the pterodactyl and falls, but then almost hangs on to the side of the nearby ledge. Meanwhile, the pterodactyl kills various people, wounding or murdering them. That is followed by Jonah jumping on its back and slicing it in half with a long sword, holding onto the winged side as the still alive pterodactyl flies and knocks him off, including smashing into the side of a ledge, and then diving deep under the water, with Jonah needing to hold his breath for a long time. Once back up into the air, the pterodactyl tries to assassinate Welsh and Abe, both with its flaming breath and by crushing its giant mouth down onto the rock bridge ladder where they are standing. Still on the pterodactyl's winged side, Jonah redirects the flames as well as destroys the carnivore. There are various close calls during this sequence, including Jonah falling and about to be impaled by a spiky flagpole after cutting through the pterodactyl's wing, causing it to lose altitude. He then drives his blade through the pterodactyl's neck and repeatedly reaches in and grabs the pterodactyl's small brain (all as the pterodactyl continues its torture on Abe and Welsh). Realizing the cerebrum is out of his reach, Jonah puts his sword inside his mesh breastplate and slices off his own arm (with the mesh armor still attached to the pterodactyl). After burning his buttocks on the fire that comes out through the pit, he then manages to reach the pterodactyl's brain and tear it out, assassinating the carnivore and sending both it and him crashing down onto the shore. During this, Welsh dangles from the bridge ladder, followed by Abe dangling from Welsh's fingers. Welsh then lets go, but Zachary grabs and saves Abe from falling to his death.
** Zachary takes a risk as he races across a fiery and collapsing bridge ladder on a motorcycle.
** A killed autocrat is sent off on a funeral pyre dragon ship that is then set ablaze and eventually sinks.
* For mild jump scares:
** A large finch suddenly grabs a rat with its talons.
** Beast jumps up in the foreground of a scenes.
* For heavily creepy music:
** A heavy amount of heavily dramatic and suspenseful/ominous music occurs in the film.
* For heavily tense family scenes:
** Overlord drunkenly grabs Welsh, and kisses him, so he pukes on him.
** When Overlord asks how his dad is, Jonah matter-of-fact says he was murdered.
** Beast's ma grieves over her son's assassination.
** We learn that Overlord is Beast's pa (and thus the autocrat knows of his boy's death).
** An applicant jumps to his death to the shore far below the base (we do not see the impact, but do see his carcass down by the tidal waves, and his wife sees this happen).
** We see Lily get out of bed from Jonah (and put on clothes, but no nudity is present), and previous sex is suggested. When she leaves that room, she runs into Spindler, who is accepting of the affair.
** A pterodactyl that he has just destroyed melts down into human form where Jonah sees him as his bastard son that he has murdered.
== Parents Can Talk About ==
Moderate Topics Abound
* Jonah's enhancing his stories when he is already viewed as being heroic.
* Alter Egos.
* The original game on which the film is based.
* Welsh stating that Satan (Beast) is her husband's shame.
* Jonah's comment that they are now the monsters, instead of the real thing.
* The technical process of motion capture where performers' actions are captured and then recreated by PCs.
* Beowulf's comment that a man cannot assassinate him, as he was killed back when he was young.
* Affairs.
* The notion of the sins of parents.
Rated R for some language.
== Trivia ==
* Despite the game Jonah's Missions receiving an E10+ in the US, the film is rated R due to the swearing.
** The intense violence, blood, partial nudity, and sexual themes were not helping matters, either.
== Gallery ==
Imperial Officer.png|Jonah
Maui.png|G. Diddy