Behold! A Dangerous Teacher! (transcript)

Behold! A Dangerous Teacher!
Transcript written by Ponyo Fan and JellyfishJam38
Narrator: Previously on Warriors of Bikini Bottom...
(shows SpongeBob struggling with his armor, Sensei killing the dummy, Patrick being shot with an arrow, the bleches flirting with Sandy, the dragon breathing fire on Patrick and him yelling "OVER 9000!!!!", and the end where Patrick says "What's a dragon?")
(theme song starts)
(end of theme song)
SpongeBob: (in tent, getting dressed, singing theme song) Fight the power, warriors, warriors, yeah---AHH! (sees Patrick in window and grabs towel) Patrick!
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: What are you doing?!
Patrick: Waiting for you to stop singing some familiar song with a crappy tune so we can go outside and play!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you seem to be forgetting we aren't in Bikini Bottom anymore. Swiss City isn't just all fun and games.
Patrick: Never mind that!
SpongeBob: Shouldn't you be at class right now?
Patrick: No, it's only---(looks at watch) Oh no, I'm late! (runs off) The kill's gonna teacher me!
(Patrick runs in, sweating, and notices the different teacher.)
Patrick: Um...is this the bathroom?
Teacher: It's the classroom, dunce.
Patrick: I'm not a dunce!
(We see an image of Patrick's brain, which is tiny and is wearing a dunce's hat)
Teacher: And our first lesson is on how to do the perfect kill.
Patrick: I half-killed a dragon.
Teacher: Killing is a great form of art, but you could have killed that dragon, stupid son of a bitch!
Patrick: SpongeBob killed it for me.
Teacher: Ah, if he was in my class, I'd strangle him to d - Sorry.
(Patrick looks at the teacher's table and sees two shrunken bloody skulls with glowing eyes. He imagines them saying "If you should die before you wake" and instantly cuts them in half.)
Teacher: Detention! (Two armed goons take Patrick down, but he takes the teacher's stolen voodoo doll out of his pocket and sticks a pin in it. The two goons fall to the ground, blood dripping from their chests.)
Patrick: Now, let's see through the keyhole...
(Through the keyhole, we see the teacher and a female fish.
Teacher: Do you realise what you've just done?
Fish: Alright, I called you a morbid little witch!
Teacher: You know that I will not accept name-calling here. (pulls out knife)
Fish (shrilly) Don't do it! Don't do it! (She stabs her with the knife. Close up on Patrick's shocked face. It is implied she continues to stab her and we see it from the ceiling (where the fan blocks most of the carnage) briefly from the front, and from the back. She then falls to the ground with a bloody wound with some blood splattered on the walls. We see Patrick cringing in terror and disgust. He moves his face out of the keyhole.)
Title card: The next day...
Patrick: The teacher's a murderer, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob:: That's ridiculous, Patrick.
Patrick:: No, it's true! I saw her stab a student! In front of everyone else!
SpongeBob:: You're just mad you have to go to school.
Sandy: (runs off) Hey guys!
SpongeBob:: Hey, Sandy. Shouldn't you be at class right now?
Sandy: Naw, class ended an hour ago.
Fish: (comes around corner) Ahem. Sandy, you know as much as I do that you shouldn't be on North clan's land with these North losers.
Patrick: Hey, I'm in South too!
Fish: That means you're both rule breakers. I suggest you get out of here before I report you both to Sensei.
Sandy: (sighs) Sorry, SpongeBob.
Fish: (muttering) Bunch of traitors.
(The next day at school, we see Patrick slowly creak open the door to find the teacher polishing a medal saying "Mrs. B. Warned - Chief Assassin.")
Patrick: Assassin? I knew it! I also know that you murdered Fishette. I saw it all!
Teacher: You knew? YOU KNEW?
Patrick: I'll tell the whole school!
Teacher: If you do that, you're dead. (drags finger across neck)
Patrick: I just hope the old teacher comes back. You're an murderous scumbag! (covers mouth)
(The teacher draws her knife but then the rest of the class comes in)
Teacher: Our next lesson will be on hunting.
Frugrum: Sensei already taught us this!
(The teacher draws her axe and throws it. It lands in his back, and he falls on the ground, dead.)
Teacher: Oops, I can't control my reflexes.
Patrick: Yes, you can, murderer!
Title card: Ten minutes later...
(We see all of the students in a forest where hunting is taking place. The teacher is holding an arrow.)
Student: (whispering) She killed Frugrum! We'll kill her!
Student 2: She should go and jump off a cliff.
Student 3: You should respect a teacher, no matter how bad they seem.
Patrick: (whispering to Student 3) But this one is an ASSASSIN! You can't respect an assassin! You saw her kill Frugrum!
Teacher: SILENCE! Now, when you are hunting, throw your arrow like you were killing a student- er, monster. (She throws the arrow at an inflatable life-size Patrick doll,)
Patrick: Hey, that looked like me!
Teacher: Just... a... coincidence... Now, get your arrows ready. You stand behind the creatures, Evelyn. (Monsters of all shapes and sizes begin rushing past, and everybody fires arrows at them. An arrow goes through a sea bear and nearly hits Evelyn.)
Patrick: She wants to kill Evelyn! EVELYN, THE TEACHER WANTS TO KILL YOU! Oops, I shouldn't have said that. (The teacher grabs a knife and chases Patrick away from the school)
(Patrick runs into SpongeBob's tent, but is stopped by a guard.)
Guard: Are you North?
(Patrick looks at a compass, which says he is going north.)
Patrick: Um, yes.
Guard: You may enter!
(Cut to SpongeBob's tent)
SpongeBob: You know I won't believe your stories about that killer teacher, Patrick.
Patrick: She killed Frugrum! And she shot an arrow at a life-size doll that looked like me! And she was polishing an assassin badge! And she tried to kill Evelyn! And she -
SpongeBob: There is no way I'm believing that.
Patrick: But it's true!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you came all this way to my tent --- which is dangerous, by the way, what if someone saw you and turned you in? --- and you're only hear to tell me some story?
Patrick: I'm not lying! Why don't you come to my class and see?!
SpongeBob: There's no way I'm risking my clan's trust just to prove one of your Mythbusters-like stories isn't true.
Patrick: Chicken.
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: You heard me.
SpongeBob: I'm not going to be tempted by you.
Patrick: Chicken, bock, bock, bock, chicken, oh, chicken's laying an egg...
SpongeBob: Fine, I'll come! But I'm hiding in a bush.
(Cut to the school. Lightning flashes. We see SpongeBob's eyes in a bush)
SpongeBob: Are you sure this is safe?
Patrick: Of course! Sandy gave me this machine. (We see a close up of two metal devices) You put it on your head. (He puts it on the bush and SpongeBob drags it into the bush) And I'll do the same with this one. (He puts it in his underwear by accident) Oops, I'm going to have to pull those down to get it out! (A "Please Stand By" screen comes up and we then see Patrick wearing it.)That's better.
SpongeBob: So, what do we do?
Patrick: Whatever you hear will go into my head, and whatever I hear will go into your head! Simple! (He walks into the school.)
(Four seconds of silence. Afterwards, we hear this in SpongeBob's head)
Teacher: What's that on your head?
Patrick: My friend wants to know if you're evil so I'm wearing this to transfer what I hear to his head.
Teacher: I'm so tired of your escapades, so tired that I'm surprised I haven't killed you yet!
(SpongeBob runs out of the bush)
SpongeBob: (at window) NO!!! Don't say that!
(Through the window, we see the teacher brandishing a knife and Patrick runs out of the school, with the teacher chasing after him.)
Teacher: (seeing SpongeBob) I see Patrick has been eavesdropping to you. I cannot tell you how I feel. Not even killing you would be enough, so...
(Dramatic music plays. Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick in a school room, with devices on their heads which are forcing their eyes open.)
Patrick: I don't like this. I can't blink. (He sees a giant-screen TV) Hey, a TV! I thought you said there was no electricity in this place!
SpongeBob: The only electricity in this place is in the school. I guess that makes sense... A bit selfish, though.
(The teacher comes forth with some eye drops)
Teacher: Now, here's a film that will turn you into a vicious, soulless killer. (She puts the eye drops into their eyes and turns a film on. The film shows, among other things, fish students being hit by canes, schools exploding, students being expelled, a student's school report being ripped up and a student getting shouted at, while Beethoven's 9th Symphony plays.)
Patrick: This film is making me go a bit crazy, don't you think, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (eyes red) RAWR!!!
Patrick: Don't kill me!
SpongeBob: Sorry. Now, let's make it out of this hellhole! (He tears the eye-opening device off his head, ripping off his eyelids in the process) Ouch.
Patrick: SpongeBob, your eyelids are gone!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, I'm a sponge! (They grow back)
Teacher: There will be no...regrowth in my class. (attempts to cut off SpongeBob's eyelids, but SpongeBob punches her) Oh, so a student is feeling...violent today? Well, maybe they have to been punished...properly.
(Patrick gulps.)
Patrick: RUN FOR IT, BUDDY!
(They run along the corridor, the teacher chasing them.)
SpongeBob: Now I believe you!
Patrick: Are you happy now?
SpongeBob: No. Why would I be happy when I'm about to be killed?
Teacher: Face my wrath! (She shoots lightning bolts at the two and they fall unconscious.)
(The gang wake up in a dark room.)
Patrick: Oh no! I'm blind!
SpongeBob: You're not, but this room is very dark. Let's get out of here. (He runs but he is pulled back by chains.) Oh, (bleep).
Patrick: Oh my god! You just swore!
SpongeBob: When your life is in danger, you can swear all you want.
Patrick: Okay, but that's the least of my problems. In here, we're going to starve.
SpongeBob: I might, but you won't. Remember that wiener you had for lunch yesterday?
(We see a flashback to Patrick opening his mouth wide and swallowing a ten-foot-long hot dog whole. There is a large bulge in his belly so he pulls his trousers up.)
Patrick: (in flashback) Oh my goodness, everybody can see my... (pulls his pants up)
SpongeBob: (in flashback) That is not your wiener, Patrick. That's a wiener. That's what you get for swallowing a hot dog whole.
(end of flashback)
Patrick: Mmm... hot dog...
(He then begins singing "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor really badly.)
SpongeBob: Shut up, Patrick! Oh, this is a nightmare. Nothing could be worse.
(In class, everybody else is having Sex Education)
Teacher: Sex is a physical process that...
Patrick: Are you thinking what I'm thinking. That could be worse...
SpongeBob: Well, we're gonna have to run through here in order to get away from that maniac. So, um, yeah...which do you think is worse?
Teacher: Alright, class, here's a question for you; what do you like in a boy or girl? Please draw a picture on the chalkboard.
Patrick: (shivers) I'm about ready to take my chances with getting murdered...
SpongeBob: No, Patrick! This isn't that bad! You took Health class back in school, right? You only threw up once.
Patrick: That's because I only went once!
SpongeBob: Alright, we go in on 3. 1...2...3!
(SpongeBob and Patrick pull as hard as they can. The chains break. They enter, as a boy student is drawing something partially obscured by his head on the chalkboard.)
Student: How's that?
Teacher: That's...interesting.
Patrick: (whispering to SpongeBob) That's perverted.
SpongeBob: I know. We need to get out of here fast. (They run)
Teacher: Sorry, I'll be gone for a while. I just need to find someo-something. (She runs to the bathroom and finds SpongeBob and Patrick hiding behind the tap.)
(She points her knife at their throats)
Teacher: Before you die, why don't you say hello to these weapons. The Slicer, (gets a butcher knife) the Bone-Crusher (gets a hammer) and the Gouger. (gets a katana)
SpongeBob: Don't kill us!
Teacher: Okay, I won't... but I've changed my mind. Say goodbye to your throat.
(SpongeBob pretends as if he is in fear, but turns around and stabs her with her own katana. Blood pours out of her leg.)
Teacher: You...you son of a b-
SpongeBob: Ahem. I think we've already done enough things to get this show a TV-14 rating. Other than this...
(SpongeBob takes the katana and aims it at the teacher's head.)
SpongeBob: Say good-bye!
Teacher: No, wait! We're only halfway through the show!
Patrick: This is a show?
SpongeBob: Let's stop. Breaking the fourth wall sucks.
(Patrick crashes into the first wall in the room and breaks it)
Patrick: Don't worry, I broke the first wall.
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not what I...
(Patrick grabs teacher's sword and knocks down another wall.)
Patrick: Now the second wall!
SpongeBob: But Patrick, I really think we should get back to the...
(Patrick knocks down another wall.)
Patrick: Yay, the third wall! Okay, I'll stop now.
SpongeBob: Good, the audience was getting bored.
(An image of a target glued to a fourth wall appears, and a gun is fired at it.)
Patrick: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sorry, that wasn't my intention.
Teacher: I...have no idea what just happened. (takes katana from SpongeBob's hand sneakingly) But I'd just like to say...
SpongeBob: What?
Teacher: (holds up katana) See you on the dark side!
(They run screaming out of the school. On her own, the teacher takes out a piece of paper and starts drawing pictures of SpongeBob and Patrick being killed.)
Teacher: (drawing a diagram) And the knife goes here, the guts come out...
(SpongeBob and Patrick are hiding under a tree outside)
Patrick: Are you sure this is the safest place to hide? Remember what happened last time we did this? (The tree hits Patrick in the crotch and he screams.) Okay, let's hide somewhere safer.
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