Persona 4 Abridged Episode 5 Script

The following is the script for the fifth episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.
== Script ==
Igor: Margaret! Have you seen my Tarot cards? I’ve searched everywhere and can’t find them!
Margaret: Igor, we haven’t left this room in weeks. They couldn’t have gone very far.
Igor: Ask the driver!
Margaret: There is no driver.
Igor: I always forget that.
Margaret: Sigh. Try opening your eyes, Igor.
Igor: Okay um… oh! They were right in front of me. This is awkward.
EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES
Chie: Where’s Yukiko?
Yosuke: We dropped her off at the hospital.
Yu: Vet.
Yosuke: Vet.
Chie: Uh…
Yosuke: Hospitals cost money!
Yu: I had a coupon.
Chie: Well at least she’s safe. Is she safe?
Yosuke: Can’t say. It was closed.
Chie: You son of a—
Kou: Bitchin’!
Kou: Daisuke, we’re on the same team stop it.
Daisuke: How am I supposed to know that! I play SOCCER!
Chie: Yo, Kou!
Kou: Think fast!
-sped up+crack noise-
B-Ball Playa playa: Ow!
Kou: What’re you doin’ here?
Chie: THIS GUY wants to join your team!
Kou: Really man?!
Yu: No.
Kou: Welcome to the B-ball rangeeeers! Damn, bro. You lift? Let’s get you into a jump suit.
Yu: aaaaAAAAAAAAAA
Daisuke: I’m Daisuke.
Yu: Hi, Daisuke.
Daisuke: HUE HUE HUE!
[hand-shaking intensifies]
Kou: Sup broskis! Check out his pecs!
B-Ball Playa Playa: Sweet pecs, bruh.
Foreign guy: Stellar, ol’ chap!
Swag Basket: Do you lift?
Hoop dawg: Shoot sum hoops!
Kou: This is our manager!
Ai: I’m Ai.
Yu: I’m Yu.
Ai and Yu: Gasp.
Dojima: I brought food!
Adachi: And me!
Dojima: He followed me. I don’t want him here either.
Adachi: uhhh…
Adachi: Who here wants to talk about classified police documents?!
Nanako: Are you sure you can…
Adachi: Yeah, it's great to hear Yukiko's alright, but we still have our doubts. I mean she says she doesn't remember anything a—
Dojima: Not at the TABLE!
-Dojima knocks Adachi out-
Dojima: Oh shit! Uh... okay... okay... calm down! We rehearsed this. Nanako, you get the bag. Narukami, you know where the shovel is. I'll warm up the car.
Ai: Oh… Yu…
Yu: What were you doing up there?
Ai: I was just uh… on my way to get… some supplies! That’s it! For the school! Heh… heh…
Yu: Oh can I come?
Ai: -Awkward laughter- Suuuure!
SHOPPING MONTAGE
Yu: This school needs some weird supplies.
Ai: Yeah.
Yu: Who gave the order anyways?
-At School-
Morooka: I ordered that mocha 20 minutes ago! AND NOW IT’S COLD! And GIMME those lipstick glasses! You look ridiculous in ‘em!
Yu: Ridiculously fabulous…
AT SCHOOL
Kou: 10/10 throw there, bro!
Yu: -air-knocked-out-of-you-sound-
Hoop Dawg: Yoooo… My ball’s got a hole in it.
 Foreign guy: That game-sphere is not air tight, gentlemen. We must endeavor to replace the defunct product post-haste.
Swag Basket: Das on you, dude.
Foreign guy: I will remedy the situation on the morrow! Good day, Swag Basket.
Swag Basket: Yee.
-Ai walks in and leaves-
Hoop Dawg: Aw man, that foreign guy scares all the chicks away.
Swag Basket: swag swag swag swag swag
Yu: Ai, why’d you leave?
Ai: I’m pretty sure the foreign guy’s just from the town over and it pisses me off.
Yu: Then why’d you become the manager?
Ai: Have you seen that Ichijo? Mmm that boy is fiiiiiine.
Yu: Yes he is.
Ai: Can you find out if he likes anyone?
Yu: I’d rather not—
-Ai stares at him-
Yu: So, Ichijo? Do you like anyone?
Kou: What?
Yu: Do you like anyone?
Kou: Okay! I admit it!  I was starin'! But I mean we just met. I dunno if things'd work out, y'feel me?
Yu: You're a little too sweaty.
Kou: Besides. I got my eye on someone else right now.
Yu: Is it Ebihara?
Kou: PfffHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HAHA haaa... Dunno who that is, bro.
Yu: She's in your club...
Kou: Uhhhhhhh-oh yeah! Nah man, it's Chie.
-Yu opens up the thing-
Yu: Hey, he likes Chie.
Kou: ‘She dead?
Student Announcer: Not again! AAAAAAAA--
Ai: Let go of me!
Yu: You can’t climb with those shoes. They’ll get those gross chain marks on ‘em.
Ai: You’re right. He’s not worth it.
Yu: He kinda creeps me out, to be honest.
Ai: Eh, just a bit. Hm. Hey… Why don't we start seeing each other instead?
Yu: I can see you just fine.
Yu: I know a guy who can hook you up with some glasses.
Teddie: They’re BEARY affordable!
Narrator: THE SAME EVENING!
Yosuke: Hey, Narukami!
Chie: Good morning!
Ai: HEY YUUUUUU! Let’s skip school and hang out!
Yu: That goes against my moral fibeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr--
Gossiping Student: Wait... so Yu and Ai are dating?
Annoyed Student: We've been over this. We're just friends.
Ai: Oh, don’t worry. No one’s watching.
Creepy hobo: Don’t mind me kids. Just pretend I’m not here.
Yosuke: Yo, wanna go to Junes and…
Yu: I’ve got…. Plans. (help)
 -Yu's phone rings-
Yu: Hello?
Morooka: Turn your phone off in class.
-Morooka hangs up-
-AT JUNES-
Chie: If Narukami keeps hanging out with that Ai Ebihara, he’s gonna miss all of his b-ball rangers practice.
Yosuke: Why’d you sign him up for that anyway?
Chie: It was that or the seal club.
Yosuke: Seals can’t join clubs. Anyway, hey, Chie… Do you notice anything… weird about Ebihara?
Chie: Besides being a SKANKNADO, no nothing at all.
Yosuke: ... I think it goes deeper than that. I suspect that mild-mannered club manager, Ai Ebihara…. Is a succubus from Hell.
Duuuuuuuuuun
Chie: Yeah, no.
Yosuke: I have plan. We’re gonna need a lot of holy water, some stakes and some silver.
Chie: You had me at steaks.
Kou: Who’s up for some dunkiiiiiin’!!! We got a gaaaaaame!
Yosuke: Hey, succubus slaaaaavvvvv-team! Say hello to your NEEWWW HUMAN manager!
Kou: Are you serious? That’s great!
Chie: WHAT?
Yosuke: It’s all part of the plan. You memorized the Bible verses, right?
Kou: Uh, I dunno what you heard, but we’re a non-denominational club, Brosuke.
Ai: Hm…
-Her eyes glow-
Chie: Is she alright?
Yosuke: Do not be daunted! There’s no turning back.
Yu: What the fu—
Kou: Fuck man, this might be my last game.
Yu: How come?
Kou: It’s all about pole dancing now. It’s all the rage in the underground bro circles.
Yu: I… I’ll take your word for it.
Kou: Yeah, but I’m sure gonna miss the B-ball Rangers…
Yu: Mhm…
Yosuke: So why am I in the uniform?
Kou: Dude, you said maybe.
Daisuke: At least you know the rules.
Ai: You stole my manager position, you jerk!
Yosuke: [in the distance] Don’t look into her eyes.
Chie: At least I’m not a SUCCUBUS!
Ai: No, YOU suck!
Yosuke: Atta girl. What a brave soul.
Basket Ball Students: It’s morphin’ time!
-Start the mighty morphin’ montage-
Ai: Can you turn that music down?
Chie: Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.
Ai: …What’re you doing?
Chie: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
Ai: You wanna go?
Chie: For if God spared not the angels that sinned--
-SLAP-
Chie: What the hell-bitch!
-Fighting begins-
-Brother My Brother starts playing-
-More montage-
Yosuke: The lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want. He lies me by green pasture he leads me beside still waters!
Yu: Yosuke, we’re in the middle of a game. What’re you doing?
Yosuke: Psalm 23! I think it’s working.
Yu: Ai, you missed the gam—eh I wasn’t even playing half the time. Whatever.
-After game at ramen place-
Kou: Rad game, Dude-homies!
Yu: Yeah, too bad we lost.
Kou: It's not winning or losing that matters but the feeling of the ball as you…
Yu: You should probably quit while you're ahead on that one.
Kou: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?
Yosuke: Wait… Are you saying that Aika Nakamura works at Aiya’s, the Nakamura family ramen shop?! I thought only the Nakamura family worked here!
Aika: This is why I sit at the other side of the classroom.
Daisuke: I’m sorry we lost your last game, man…
Yu: Whoops. Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.
Kou: Oooh don’t worry about it, dude. The pole I got off Craigslist wouldn’t fit in my house. Looks like I’m back in the team!
-AS THEY’RE A-WALKIN’-
Ai: Hey, uh, Yu?
Yu: Yeah?
Ai: I’m breaking up with you. Your friends are crazy.
Yu: Yeah… [exhale] I know….
Ai: So, Kou, you single?
-ENDING CREDITS-
Yukiko: You’ll never guess where I woke up, guys.
Yosuke: Was it a vet?
Yukiko: How’d you know?
Yosuke: [whisper] Hide the coupons.
Yu: Shit.
-Adachi bumps his head-
Adachi: Ow! Whose car is this?
Category:Persona 4 Abridged
Category:P4A Scripts