The Devil You Know

The Devil You Know is the thirty-fourth episode of Cult of Squid and the fifth season premier. It premired July 17th, 2020 (Cult of Squid's two year anniversary) as part of the 2 Years of Terror celebration, and was written by Purple133 and Locknloaded23.
== Plot ==
Squidward and Noseward find a spellbook that gives them a way to trap Satan and keep him imprisoned; meanwhile, Satan begins giving Mr. Krabs visions of the ruined timeline while Noseward's visions worsen.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with a black fade into the Krusty Krab; we see Squidward and Noseward sitting at a table solemnly staring down at empty shot glasses. Noseward goes to say something but decides to just take another sip of whatever’s left, then goes to the kitchen to get more alcohol, but he bumps into Buff Jim)
Noseward: Oh sorry.
Buff Jim: Seriously Noseward, more alcohol?
Noseward: Hasn’t failed me yet.
Buff Jim: You know I’m honestly disgusted by how you and Squidward have just given up Noseward. It’s been FOUR MONTHS! Squidward seemed enthusiastic at first but now he just seems anxious as ever, awaiting a battle that may never come. 
Noseward: Get out of my way Jim.
Buff Jim: I’m not moving until you do something about this. We can’t keep living here Noseward, you know this! Eventually we’re going to run out of food and starve. Is that how you guys want it to end?
Noseward: I said get OUT of my WAY Jim.
Buff Jim: No. Not until you-
Noseward: Not until I what Jim? What the hell do you expect me to do? Squidward’s the boss but look at him, he’s clearly defeated. We lost Jim. We lost Neptune, we lost the lodge, and now, we’ve lost our spirit. There is no hope for us Jim, we’re a lost cause so can I just drink some more so I don’t have to worry about anything?
(Suddenly in a flash of bright light, The Initiator appears)
Initiator: I’m back!
Squidward: Oh, hey.
Noseward: (sarcastically) perfect timing.
Initiator: Thanks!
Noseward: I was being-
Initiator: Hush up, I’ve found it.
(Security enters the main room)
Security: Oh hey guys.
Initiator: Security hush! I’ve found it!
Squidward: What did you find?
Initiator: The answer to all our problems. This spellbook!
Noseward: (sighs) oh great.
Squidward: Yeah okay.
Buff Jim: Guys come on give him a chance!
Initiator: this spellbook can help us defeat Satan! The stupid red (dolphin noise)ing son of a (dolphin noise) who (dolphin noise)ing (very long and slow dolphin noise)!
Squidward: (slaps Initiator) do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Initiator: that hurt, jerk.
Squidward: Okay. So, show us the spellbook.
Initiator: Okay!
(The Initiator grabs the spellbook from thin air)
Noseward: I know I’m not sober but come on he did not just grab that from thin air, right?
Initiator: Don’t question it. 
Noseward: Alright.
Initiator: So this spellbook has a bunch of sort of useful spells and charms and things, but I’ve found one I think can help us in our scenario.
(The Initiator clears some beer bottles off a table and places the spellbook down, open to a page titled “Chains of Eternity”)
Initiator: They’re called the Chains of Eternity. Here’s how they work. Basi-
Squidward: Look, Initiator, this seems all well and good but you know as well as I do that this isn’t going to work. What’s the point? You’re wasting my time.
Initiator: Okay, I’ve had enough. What happened to you two?! Squidward and Noseward, I never thought I’d hear myself ever say this, but look at yourselves! What happened to those two driven, goal oriented young men I’ve known for the last few years of my life? You two have become SHELLS of your former selves and I’m not going to stand here and waste my own time if you guys aren’t willing to do anything to try and save yourselves.
Squidward: Fine, but do you just expect us to suddenly get better?
Initiator: Yes! You have to! God knows what Satan’s next move is going to be, if he shows up to take us down now, we don’t stand a chance.
Buff Jim: He’s right guys.
Security: I have to agree with Initiator and JIm on this one. Squidward, think about it. You stop the Devil himself. You can take back your former glory!
Squidward: I mean I guess. 
Security: You guess, I KNOW. We can do this, just like old times!
Squidward: Yeah, sure.
Noseward: (burps) fine, just tell me what to do-
(Noseward passes out)
Squidward: Great. So what does this spell call for Initiator?
Initiator: I’m glad you asked! 
(The Initiator flips the book open again)
Initiator: “Chains of Eternity”. Sounds menacing. We need iron rods, life fruit, blood of the living, and, uh, it says here a soul.
Squidward: A soul? I have none.
Security: That’s a lie, everybody has a soul.
Initiator: That’s true, Security. But god I don’t want to imagine one of you without one.
Squidward: Does it say anything else about the soul part? Maybe there’s a way to extract a soul from somebody?
Initiator: I’ll check but I don’t think too many people would be too keen on getting their souls sucked out.
Squidward: Are we sure about that?
Initiator: Yes! 
Squidward: well we could at least try.
Initiator: (long sigh) i suppose so. But who's soul can we steal?
(Cut to the Cult Jail)
Fred: since the Cult was DESTROYED You'd think we'd be able to, yknow, get let out!
Tom: Well to be fair if we try to escape there’s a legion of demons guarding what’s left of the cult. Or that’s the rumor.
Fred: Rumor, schmumor, im leaving! (Walks out the cage but is set on fire offscreen and is heard screaming in agony)
Tom: poor guy never listened.
Fred: MY LEG! AND ALSO THE REST OF MY BODY!
(Fred is dragged downstairs by a demon inhabiting a fish’s body)
Demon: Don’t try that again.
(Squidward and The initiator walk onscreen)
Tom: what're you two doing here? Also, (points at initiator) who the heck is that?
Initiator: Im the Initiator. I don't blame you for not recognizing me, I only appear once every 3 episodes if you're lucky.
Tom: every 3 what?
Brother Squidward: we have come to claim a soul.
Tom: A soul???
Squidward: Yes, a soul. Anybody willing to give theirs up?
Tom: How much are you paying?
Squidward: Uhhh… 0 dollars.
Tom: what a scam.
Squidward: less talk, more soul!
Tom: Uhhhhh can i be freed from this prison? Wait, how did you guys even get in here?
Squidward: Oh, the demons were gone.
Tom: but Fred got burnt alive!
Squidward: well when i came the demons were gone. 
Noseward: Hey Squidward..
Squidward: Not now Noseward.
Noseward: Squidward…
Squidward: I said not now Noseward! 
Noseward: this is ultra super mega important!!!!!!
Squidward: Okay, what?
Noseward: Turn around.
(Squidward turns around and the prisoners and cultists are facing the Seven Deadly Sins)
Wrath: YOU!
Squidward: (screaming) but, we destroyed you!
Pride: Did you really Squidward? Did you honestly think you could destroy us, the seven deadly sins? We can’t be defeated!
Envy: Well now it looks like you get to DIE. Oh, for god's sake, pride, stop looking at yourself in the mirror!
Pride: but im just so… attractive!
Tom: Okay so what do we do now Squidward?
Squidward: Uhhhh… RUN!
(Squidward breaks a lock on the jail cell. a bunch of prisoners follow him and The Initiator through a secret passage)
(Cut to a secret cult room)
Squidward: we should be safe in here.
Initiator: how come I've never seen this room before?
Squidward: well we've never really used this room before. I planned on making it a cafeteria but it cost too much so i just sealed the passage.
Initiator: Fair enough. Welp, I’m out of here!
(The Initiator vanishes)
Squidward: Huh, I wonder where he goes.
Tom: No time for that, can we have a head count?
Squidward: Uhhhhh you, me, Fred-
Fred: So much pain…
(The room begins rumbling)
Squidward: (whispering) be very quiet! He'll know we're in here!
(Satan busts the wall down)
Satan: i hear everything.
Squidward: Aw crap.
Satan: So you thought you could come into my turf?
Squidward: yes. (Gets burnt) ow!
Tom: uh, satan, sir, can i be let free? I have nothing to do with this.
Satan: NO! I like torturing the innocent, so you will die, too.
Tom: Nuts.
(The initiator appears again)
Squidward: where the hell have you been?!
The Initiator: no time to explain. I must save you and me! (Holds palms in the air, and slams them on Tom's chest, stealing his soul)
Squidward: wait, how'd you do that?!
Initiator: Don’t question it.
Tom: Say I feel-nothing.
Squidward: Oh come on.
Initiator: I just need to cast this spell quick-
Satan: Oh you just need to cast that spell quick? Which one is that?
Initiator: The one that’s going to seal you away for good!
Satan: Oh, okay. Carry on.
Initiator: You’re taking this quite well-
(Satan’s eyes glow red and he sets the spellbook on fire, then melts all of the materials The Initiator is holding)
Squidward: No!
Satan: You guys honestly thought you could come back after months and pull a fast one on ME? I’ll let you have your stupid lodge back but just stay out of my way. I have BIG plans and I’m not going to let some insignificant specks get in the way.
(Satan snatches Tom’s soul from the Initiator’s hands and consumes it)
Satan: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s been so LONG since I’ve enjoyed a soul!
(A power surge goes through Satan and he disappears in a column of fire, along with the Sins)
Initiator: What now?
Squidward: I- for once i don’t actually know. We had better be careful in the future, though. Satan is a hard foe to predict.
(Cut to a barely lit room somewhere miles away; Mr. Krabs is visible sleeping, cut to his dream. In his dream, Krabs is floating in the sky above the Lodge)
Krabs: where am i?
Ominous voice: hello, Krabs.
Krabs: what? who the heck is that?
Ominous Voice: tell me Krabs, do you remember this?
(The ground below Krabs warps into a view of the lodge on fire, Brother Squidward dead on the ground and The Feathered Friends and The Cult hiding in fear)
Krabs: what the heck is going on here? I dont remember any of that!
Ominous Voice: He destroyed the timeline. He is the enemy.
Krabs: who destroyed what timeline??
Ominous Voice: (starts laughing) oh, Krabs. You don't know it yet, but I am doing you a FAVOR.  
Krabs: who the heck are you?!
Ominous Voice: Let's just say im someone you have met. I am Satan.
Krabs: i will never listen to you! Never ever!
Ominous Voice: (laughs) I will be back, Krabs. But think about what you have seen long and hard and try to remember the timeline that HE destroyed.
Krabs: he?! Who the heck is he?! 
(The world starts shaking as Everything, including Krabs, falls into a large crack in the ground, and he wakes up screaming after he sees a clone of himself doing an evil laugh in the void)
Krabs: what in Davy Jones just happened?
(Krabs takes a look at the Lodge in the distance and starts thinking long and hard)
(End)
Category:Cult of Squid
Category:Purple133
Category:Episodes written by Purple133
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:2020s