Lizzy Gwen

Lizzy Gwen was a player character in the Masq Season X. She was the wife of Amber Gwen, a deceased Season 9 participant. Lizzy was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly before the events of Season X, following the death of her wife Amber Gwen. Lizzy's personality could be described as cold, dry, and emotional, most likely as a byproduct of her illness. Lizzy joined the cause in the hopes of avenging her deceased wife, who was lost during the events of Masq Season 9. Lizzy's art was done by her player, Cam. She often conveyed background information and personal lore through a Polaroid aesthetic, based on her love of photography. Following Season 10's conclusion, Lizzy was rewarded with a godly blessing that allowed her to overcome and survive her cancer, as well as maintain a handful of powers not fully defined as of now. She used this opportunity to open The Amber Gwen Center for Health and Wellness, the setting for Mini 6. This hospital is funded in questionable ways, making Lizzy adjacent to a Robin Hood type. Lizzy currently lives within the Amber Gwen center, a hospital which focuses primarily on mental health issues as well as severe, difficult conditions like Lizzy's cancer. Lizzy chooses to remain bald as a symbol of pride for herself and others. After Season 10 Lizzy reunited with her friends Nix Noel and Milo following a falling out they underwent during Lizzy's cancer. This would lead to the events of Mini 6, ChristMasq, as the charity drive was held there. 
=== Rants ===
A notable component of Lizzy's character were the rants she posted in the Masqbook channel. These rants were often very hopeless and emotional in nature, serving as a form of venting for Lizzy. Following this will be a comprehensive list of every Lizzy Rant in order, starting from the first chronologically. 
Hey. I woke up today in pretty immense pain, something that isn't, that out of the norm. Ever had a migraine? Imagine that but like. Your f***ing body. I just wish I could say the physical pain is the worst of it. As much as I'm taking this whole thing as a chance to be all out there and ballsy or whatever, I haven't really, changed. I only did this so I could prove to myself that I'm not a coward. But, whats that even matter? I spent my whole life in fear. Whats a few weeks gonna change? I ran from Amber, ran from my sh*tty parents, ran from the only friends I had left, afraid of burdening them, I dunno, Man. May seem all bold to be fighting but, I already know I'm gonna die. Its not really a threat anymore. The only threat was the emotional stuff and look where I am now. In the middle of f***ing nowhere, fighting some battle I know nothing about, all for the wife I never bothered to fight for. Whats the point? I don't know. I hope maybe I can do something valuable for these people before Im gone.
Meeting new people f***ing sucks dude. I cut just about everyone off who was left after my diagnosis, because dying alone atleast had some comfort. I wasnt a burden. I was alone, avenging my wife or whatever the f**k. But now I feel like sh*t because people are like, talking to me. I dont want to be remembered or missed, Im so f***ing sick of hurting people. I just wanna die in peace, alone, a burden to nobody. And yet here we are. Fighting this battle alongside a bunch of other people. Maybe ill just be a huge dick so they dont get attached.
God. Whole bunch of cool people who knew amber been showing up lately. Its hard to believe that after everything, she still blamed herself and forgave me for running like the f***ing coward I am. How did such an incredible person choose to marry me? What a sh*tty situation. I guess ill keep fighting on, for her.
Maybe, hope is ok, I guess. I dont know. Survival rate of the surgery is like, 5%. Thats like, ok?
Today f***ing sucked. Whatever time I didnt spend laying in bed trying to force an unreachable sleep was spent crying. f**k this, man. I cant f***ing, live like this, dude. This sucks so f***ing inconceivably much. Im so f***ing sick of this, just, slow, slow burn. Its so hard not just, ending it. Like whats the f***ing point dude? Im gonna die anyways!  I dont want to f***ing live like this. This f***ing sucks so f***ing much! Just, god! I keep telling myself" I dont have anybody. Youre not gonna lose anyone, Lizzy! Youre alone!" News flash, Thats not f***ing true! And I just, surrounded myself with more people, like the f***ing selfish piece of sh*t I am. All I do is f***ing burden people with all my f***ing complaining. And then anybody who for some reason actually gives a sh*t about me is gonna, f***ing grieve, or whatever. Theyre gonna go to my funeral. "Oh, she was so sweet, caring, funny". No, I was f***ing not! I complained and pushed people away. Tell them that. Tell them I was just an a**hole, and nothing was lost, and that hey, shes dead, you can finally celebrate! Shes gone. You can live in piece without such a f***ing d**k in your life. God. If you actually read all this, uh... Hold on hope and keep fighting, I think, and pray you dont get cancer??? Yeah thats my moral. Dont get cancer, or have a dead wife. Jesus, thats a lot of talking...
Here comes Lizzy, talking her a*s off again. So, hope. Hope is a thing I've heard a lot about. Especially here. It's painted as this, Miracle thing. Just hold on hope Lizzy and everything will be ok. It's funny, if you knew me, before all this, you would be so surprised to see where I am now. I used to be so bright, so, happy. And, it was the hope doing that. I had lost my family, everything, I was alone, crushed. But then, there she was. The most wonderful, beautiful woman I had ever met. Amber. Amber was, everything. She was there for me, she let me, be me, she let me cry and be feel and, I guess she let me hope. That was new me to, hope. I was so used to just, dread but, when she was here, it felt like everything was OK. She was going to fight for me. For herself. For, us. She let me be whatever I needed to be. Some days I was mad, angry, sad,  some days I was just, gushy and romantic or whatever, some days I was anxious, it didn't matter. I was always the person Amber loved. I lost sight of that. She grew distant when, the cancer stuff started happening. I felt, alone. Angry. That hope, or, that love, it wasn't there. I couldn't see who she was fighting for. All I knew is she made me feel like I was doing something wrong. And I didn't like that. Because it was only confirming everything I had already felt: I'm not good enough for her. But, the hope didn't leave. When we weren't together for a little while, I was alone, but that hope was there. I hoped she still loved me. I hope she'd be better. I hope she'd come back. One day I got a letter, from a friend of Amber's. He's actually, here, Man Man. She was, dead. I was dead. Her life was gone, and with her dead, so was I. I couldn't, I couldn't hope again. Hope lied to me. It told me things were OK. It kept me going, all on this, false promise. Hope, hope hurts. It's easier to shut myself away. To feel nothing. To just, be cold, distant, emotional and mean. That way I can't have my trust broken the way it was.
All I do is whine. What should I care? Shouldnt I just be happy I lived at all? I had friends, family, a wife, I dont know why I just cant f***ing be happy. Its not even the death thing. I mean yeah that sucks, f***ing, obviously, but there's something else here. I just cant be happy. I can't. I dont even know if I was happy before all this. I honestly, I dont think so. Amber made things better, but, I was never full, or content. There was always something. Always. I lived sad. I lived hurt. And now that I dont have much to live, I'm just living angry. What is, happy? Not, happy, like, joy, but, living a happy life? Being content? And why could I never have it? Am I just, damaged? I love to just say oh everything was so great before all this. But no it was f***ing not. It was BETTER. But, I was never some, happy, joyous person. Im just letting some side of that shine now, I guess. Maybe I was born, destined to just be an annoying d**k. Born to a sh*tty dad and an even sh*ttier mom. I was born to be an unhappy, unlovable asshole. Its just in my genes. God.
First off. I had no idea you guys even bothered reading these things. Im, glad you took time out of your day for that. Thank you, kinda nice to know Im heard I guess. Second of all, Bongo, I, Im surprised, thats a really smart perspective. As for Nagito, I do, appreciate your commentary too. Glad you guys care, Hope im not making your day worse or something. Sorry about that.
You know, part of me blames Amber for, keeping this cancer stuff from me for so long, but, I had a secret of my own that I kept from Amber. I, I really wanted to start a family with her. I knew she would make a great mom. She's so smart and sweet and caring. Of course she would. And, you look at me now and think, that woman's no mother! And I suppose whatever yeah but, back then I think I would have been really good at it. Sometimes during my free time I would look into surrogates (or, the opposite, I guess) because I knew I wanted to carry the baby myself. I never told Amber. I don't know why. I guess I just thought she'd think I'm stupid or something. Why would somebody like me who was treated so poorly by her parents actually want to be one herself? Maybe that's just it. I wanted to, do what my parents never could for me. Now that future.. doesn't exist. Gone. Any chance I had to, do it, to finally get the confidence to say, "Amber, I want to be a mother with you", was gone. I kept pushing it off, nows not the right moment, nows not the right moment, now she's dead and I'm halfway out the door. Whatever. I'd probably be just as bad as my parents. I don't know how to do anything.
Dear Amber,
Death is portrayed as this dramatic, powerful thing in movies. But death isnt really like that. When I first learned you died, I, I cried, of course. I was, so so hurt to learn that. But sadness, is, in itself, filling. Sadness is an emotion that holds a sense of power. And death isnt emotional. Death, is, nothing. Just, one day, you're gone. Things are empty. Hollow. Differences you wont even notice without death. Rooms in our apartment left, empty. Mail arriving with nobody to receive it. Plans we had made. Friend's birthdays. All these, small things that are just, empty now. Little things you used to do for me that I forget are even part of life. Chores you handled. The small trash can in the bathroom, that I never really processed was emptied by you. Or he way you folded the towels, because you liked things tidy. Death is empty. Sometimes, I look for a meaning in death. A reason why. But there isnt one. Death is dumb. Art feels dumb after real death enters your life. I dont want to learn anything from this. I love you, Amber.
I feel like my life is just paradox. I want to talk to people and be heard but feeling heard just makes me feel like sh*t knowing they have to deal with me dying. I want to be kind and caring but being kind and caring attracts the aforementioned attention. I want to feel hopeful for things but also hate hope. I want to find meaning but also think meaning is dumb. I wanna create art but no art expresses the feelings of this all. I want to complain but also hate complaining, and then get mad at myself for hating myself for complaining. I just feel, tangled. Lost. But I dont want to feel different. Or, do I? I feel like, dying in pain is the only way to die, just because then death seems like a release. Just like Amber, ill be gone, but atleast ill be gone wanting to lose something. Somebody just f***ing shoot me already.
You know, I never, wanted to die. I don't, want, to die. I don't think, anybody who wants to die, actually wants death. I think we just want the pain to stop. That sounds, dumb, and edgy, but it's true. It's weird though. Even without Amber, I think, I could have fought this battle without cancer. I could have, made it up to her. But after that diagnosis, I just, look at me, guys. I'm rotting. I'm fading. I'm not ready to die. I don't want to die, I don't want to leave this life behind. I don't.. I don't want this. I really don't want this, oh god... I'm dying. I'm, actually going to be dead. My life is over. Oh God, oh god.... f**k.... please, please, I don't want this, I don't want to be hurting. There's something, there's something there, deep down, that doesn't want this for me. But there's no help. There's none. There isn't help. The doctors, can try, and they will after this but, I'm not going to survive. I'm going to die, I don't want to die, I don't want this, please, anybody, help me, I know you can't but, please, please... I have, nothing.. I'm going to die... please, please, please..
Dimitri.. When, when we see each other next, can you, please, please give me a hug?  I, your message, made me cry, quite a bit, and, even if it hurts, I just want to feel, comforted.  Could you, please, do that for me?
I never really got to be a kid. Ive been forced behind walls and walls of self defence since a young age. I hid from my parents, from myself. I never really got to be myself back then. And now all that strength was for, just, nothing. There was never a lesson from my pain. It was just, pain. That, sucks, dude. All this work with no payoff. No moral of the story. Just a sad build up to a failed marriage and my premature death. And yet Im still hiding, still "staying strong" for some dumb reason. Yeah, believe it or not, these rants are yet another form of self defense. I dont even know who I am under all these layers. Never gonna know either. f***ing sucks.
I don't, I don't think any of you understand, I don't think so at all. You think you know death, before, before everything. You think you know what its like to watch your life end. You think you know what its like, to, lose the one person who always made it all worth it. I was, ready, to live an entire, complete life with Amber. I was. I really was. Every commitment of marriage, I was ready for it. To live, to thrive, to start a family, to struggle together, to live together. My life, I gave it to Amber. And, she was ready. She was ready for, her life, for OUR life. It was gone. Within, a month. Imagine, spending, decades on this earth. You fight, and fight, and finally, one day, you reached it. You had it in your grasp. All that pain, all that, hurt, it was, worth it. It was for a reason. The day of my wedding, me and amber were, beside each other, up there at our little unofficial make-ship thing. Amber, got real close to my ear, and whispered, "Lizzy, our lives have finally started. You can breathe now". And I felt it. I felt it. My life, it was just starting, for once, I was free, I was, myself. No matter what, we should have, done it together. If Amber just, told me everything, we could have fought this together. Beside each other. It was all, worth it. The life we had started together, had ended. And now I'm alone. And now shes dead. and now its all gone. And all the pain, all the hurt, it was for, nothing. It was just pain. Nothing came of it. Worthless, worthless, worthless. Nobody knows this pain. I just want to hurt. There's nothing else I can do. I need to hurt. Pain is all I have left. At least, at least I had something to, be taken away from me. At least I can hurt.  Nothing is going to get better. This is the final chapter. This is the end. All of it. Worthless. Worthless, Worthless, Worthless.
Tonight has made me realize how much of a selfish prick ive been. I kinda justified it all, behind, "well everybody here signed up knowing they could die by choice, I was forced into death!" but like. I dont f***ing know, man. a couple weeks of life feels really f***ing valuable right now. So much, we lost so much, so many... f**k, f**k man...
Snowfall:
A poem by Lizzy Gwen.
My love, My dear.
You deserved better.
A better life, A better Death,
A better wife, A better Burial.
But much like in your days of wake,
I could not provide what you were owed.
I gathered a couple things, simply because,
They honored how I knew you wanted to be remembered.
I carved the stone myself, as it was all I could give that day,
And to the best of my ability, I respected the memory you would want to have.
But, even this burial wasn't complete, there was one thing I couldn't do.
You had always told me, next to your grave, you wanted me.
It didn't have to be literal, or physical, or anything else,
You just wanted something to keep you company.
But, the day I chose to finalise your wishes,
I couldn't have been strong enough to,
And as the snow began to fall,
I fell to my knees, crying,
You deserved better.
You know all things considered, a month or so feels like a great amount of time to be alive. Yknow? Like. Life or death is constant here. Like, dude. Im grateful to be here. Im fighting, Im fighting for somebody, and I want to fight now. I came here with a purpose. Amber, honey, Im going to do this for you. I love you. Come on everybody, lets fight the f**k on!
I agree Nagito. I just got so sick of being so f***ing miserable all the time. At some point you just. get sick of your own sh*t, I guess? Like. I felt like I just had to explain myself to everybody but explaining myself never made me feel better. I just talked myself in circles. And its just like, Im here for a reason. As much as I came here prepared to lose, so many have already lost even more. I should be grateful I made it this far, right? I dont know. Im no longer willing to  just to sit here miserable, letting myself rot in some f***ing cave. Im here to fight and im hear to give anything I can for everybody ive lost. Lets get off our f***ing asses and do this, everyone!
RADIO MESSAGE
Look, Man-Man, I know why you did what you did but, I need your support dude... I understand if it wont work out but, Youre all I got left in some ways. So just, yeah?
You know I uh, kinda didnt want to reveal this info. But, since there's no better time than now, Ilm actually a fairly famous graffiti artist in the Toronto area. I have tons and tons of pieces signed LZ, and uh, i've seen my work in some art galleries before. I liked keeping my identity hidden, and staying out of legal trouble, but uh, here you go. Liz is the somewhat-notable LZ. Do with that what you will.
Category:Player Characters
Category:Season X Characters
Category:P-Unit
Category:Alive
Category:Arc 1