Sausage Party/Transcript

(The movie begins at a market called Shopwell's where as the shop starts to turn on the lights, a worker wakes up and opens the doors for the customers to come in. A sausage wakes up in its package.)
Frank: Oh, sh*t. Carl. Carl. Carl, Carl! (Wakes up his sausage brothers.) Dude, we slept in again. The song's about to start!
Carl: Sh*t, Frank! We can't miss the song. (Wakes up a small sausage.) Barry, wake up!
Barry: What? What? I'm up. I'm up.
Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.
Carl: It's just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us... once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.
Barry: God, I love them so ******* much.
Frank: Oh sh*t, oh sh*t! Corn's about to start singing! Drop it, Corn! You got the best voice!
Carl: You're the man, Corn! You rule! Take it away, brah!
(In the bucket full of corn, one corn starts to sing a song called "The Great Beyond")
Corn: Dear gods, you're so divine in each and every way to you we pray.
Lettuce: Dear gods, we pledge our love to you forever more.
Caramel Corn: We always felt we had a special bond.
Lollipop: Take us to the Great Beyond...
Cola: Where we're sure Nothing bad happens to food.
Cheese: Once we're out the sliding doors, things will all be grand.
Milks: We will live our dreams together in the Promised Land.
Bags of Chips: The gods control our fate so we all know we're in good hands.
Fruits: We're super sure there's nothing sh*tty Waiting for us in the Great Beyond
Sodas: And every aisle Thinks something different
Honey Mustard: Holy sh*t, I've been chosen!
(Laughs)
Multiple foods: But to this we all agree
Honey Mustard: Booyah, **tches, I'm out of here!
Country Cider: Everyone else is ******' stupid
Except for those who think like me
Cookies: And me!
Peppers: And me!
Teriyaki Sauce: And me!
Soya sauce: Out there, for all eternity we'll meditate. How ******* great!
Earl Grey Teabags: Out there, we'll get to tea-bag every day at 4! Pip! Pip!
Greek Olives: We'll shove pimentos up our **s, by Zeus!
Sauerkraut: We'll exterminate the juice
Und subjugate the whole **** Great Beyond
Sausages: In here
We keep our wieners in our packages
That's how it is
Buns: It sucks
But that's the way
Our buns keep fresh and pure
Baby, baby
Sausages: But once we're out the doors
It's not a sin
Buns: For us to let you
Slip it in
Sausages: In other words
We finally get to ****
Buns: And love
Sausages: And ****,
Buns: and hug,
Sausages: and ****,
Buns: And feel,
Sausages: and ****
Buns: and share
Rye Bread: The gods will always care for us!
Boxes: They won't squeeze us out their butts
Multiple foods: We cannot overstate How confident we are That our beliefs are accurate And nothing awful happens to us In the Great Beyond
Honey Mustard: Kiss my brownish-yellow **s! I'm going to the Great Beyond, motherf***ers!
Cashier: We need an extra cashier to the front, please.
Frank: Boo and yah, motherf***ers. Red, White and Blue Day is tomorrow!
Carl: Dudes, basically every single sausage gets chosen on Red, White and Blue Day.
Frank: By this time tomorrow, we're all gonna be 5 inches deep in some bun, son. Ba-bam.
Barry: Oh, my God, yes.
Troy: (Chuckles) More like 3 inches deep for Barry, you deformed nerd.
Barry: (Laughs sarcastically) Troy, that's funny. You see, this is why I can't wait for the Great Beyond. We'll all be equal, and then jerks like Troy won't be picking on me all the time... on account of my abnormality.
Troy: Whatever, Barry. You're different, and that makes you weird.
Frank: Ignore that prick, Barry. He's full of sh*t. And don't forget, you've got girth. That's way more important than length. You're a ******* champ.
Barry: You know, I am girthy. I could fill a bun. They'll know I'm there. I'm sure there's some kind of smushed bun out there waiting for me.
Frank: Sh*t, it's the Dark Lord!
Carl: Oh, no. He's coming.
Bavarian Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh. I swear! I'm still fresh!
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way.
Troy: We're ******, bros!
Barry: Oh, God, no!
Carl: Take anyone but us, please!
Other sausages from a different package #1: Oh, no!
Other sausages from a different package #2: No!
Other sausages from a different package #3: No!
Other sausages from a different package #4: No! No!
Other sausages from a different package #5: Why us?!
'Darren: **** you, weinies. (tosses the package into the trash) ****, I hate this ******* job!
Carl: Ah, phew. You okay? Everyone okay?
Frank: Man, That's super ****** up about Bill and those guys. I mean, they stayed in their package, followed all the guidelines of the song. What do they get for it?
Barry: We're not supposed to understand the will of the gods, Frank. They work in mysterious ways.
Frank: I'm just saying since we base our lives on the song, it might be nice if there was some proof.
Carl: Proof? All the proof you need is right in front of you. Look at these big old buns. Yeah! You know it, baby. Work those buns! All of you. All day, "err" day. Lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat.
Brenda: Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns will line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that: "Oh, is he in there yet? I can't feel him. I don't think he's in there. Oh, wait. He is." It's so sad. I bet you jackrabbit for a quick 15 seconds. You're like; And then you slump over. (Carl glares at her.) I mean, honestly, guys... who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? (One of the buns raises her hand.) Huh? Roberta, put your ******* hand down. You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.
Carl: Hey, dude, I don't know how to say this to you gently, but your girlfriend, um... she's a ******* cunt.
Frank: Shut up. She's fresh as ****, and you know it.
Carl: I don't know why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns.
Frank: Because I believe in bunogomy. I'm a bunogamist. And when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep. And the answer is: As soon as we get to the Great Beyond, and as deep as she'll ******* let me. I'm gonna talk to her. Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? (chuckles) Sorry about those guys. Such ******* ****s, right?
Carl: I can hear you, dude.
Frank: Shut up. **** you. So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? (chuckles)You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because we belong together.
Brenda: It's like we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait to finally just get up in there. Just raw-dog it. But, full disclosure, I'm pretty ******* nervous about this. I don't know how well I'll perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun before, so...
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet ******* ****. Look, okay, I know it's against the rules, but I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty.
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no, no.
Both: Ah.
Frank: Oh, yeah, go in. Put it in there.
Brenda: Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Speaker: Management to Cash 5. Management to Cash 5.
Customer: Excuse me, I meant to buy a normal mustard and when I got home, I realized I bought honey mustard. Is it cool if I just go swap it?
Casher: I don't give a flying ****, homeboy.
Ketchup: Holy sh*t! You're back, man. Crazy! Did you go to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: (shaken and irrational) Don't touch me, man! Ketchup, get your ******* hands off me.
Ketchup: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) Oh, I'll tell you what ******* happened. I'll tell you exactly what happened in the Great Beyond, you dumb, red piece of sh*t!
Ketchup: What the f...?!
Honey Mustard: As soon as we got out those doors... (looked up to see an Indian Native-esque liquor named Firewater stood among plants on the isle)
Firewater: So you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I will slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Honey Mustard: Oh, my God! Did you guys just ******* hear that?
Ketchup: What? What are you looking at? (Firewater is already gone upon glancing where the liquor supposedly stood at)
Honey Mustard: He's gone. Where the **** did he go? I'm so ****ed up. (sobs) I'm so ****** up. Ketchup, get the **** off of me. Nobody ******* touch me!
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store is closing in five minutes. Get out!
Frank: Hey, hey, hey, look at this. We ******* got one. Stand up straight, boys!
Sausages: Hey! Over here! Choose us!
Potato: We're chosen!
Frank: Pick us! Pick our package!
Frank: Brenda!
Brenda: Frank!
Barry: Oh, man. I'm freaking out. My heart's racing. I'm having an out-of-sausage experience. Yes!
Brenda: Choose us! Look at us!
Frank: Oh, please, god.
Brenda: Choose us. Look at us! Oh, yes!
Frank: Nice!
Brenda: Whoo!
Frank: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Brenda: Yes! Frank, we've been chosen together.
Frank: ******* A! Yeah!
Brenda: This is so cool!
- I'm chosen! I got chosen!
- Going to the Promised Land!
I'm on my way!
Douche: Yo! Oh, ****, yeah, dude. Somebody call a doctor because, honestly, this beat is sick.
Beet: Actually, I feel great. Real healthy.
Douche: Not you, the beat. The song, bro. Oh, sh*t, Chips!
Chips: Huh?
Douche: C-H-I-P-S, Chips, Chips, Chips. I've known you forever. I would never disrespect you with a lie. I will tell you very much that you look ******* disgusting, bro.
Chips: Oh, come on.
Douche: No, I'm just messing with you, bro. But for reals? You gotta hit the gym, bro. Oh, what's up? Yo, are you pink all the way through?
Cocktail Mixer: Ew.
Douche: (laughs) I'm ******* with you, but also serious. Is there a different color inside?
Cocktail Mixer: (grunts) What are you, even?
Douche: What do you mean, what am I, dude? I'm a ******* douche! You know how long I've been waiting up in this motherf***er? I was starting to worry the gods didn't want douches no more, but look at her. (gazing at Camille's groin) She's a ******* 10, bro. The G-O-D is D-T-D... dude. Down to douche.
Camille Toh: Lavash, sausages... Oh, honey mustard. (Grabs Honey Mustard who weeps.)
Honey Mustard: (hysterical) What? No. This can't be happening. Not again. Oh, Jesus, not to me. Motherf***. Get your hands off of me. Get off of me!
Beer: Fecking gobsh*te!
Cocktail Mixer: Back off!
Honey Mustard: You don't even know what you're celebrating. You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying to your ******* faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS BULLSH*T! Why isn't anybody listening to me?!
Frank: Hey, buddy, are you all right?
Honey Mustard: No, I'm not all right. It's all a lie. Everything you've been told. Everything you believe in.
Carl: Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't be talking to this **shole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. What is he? Honey? ls he mustard? Like, make up your mind or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You ******* idiots! I've been there. I've seen that sh*t, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great," my **shole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of sh*t, jacking off in our ******* faces, covering our eyes with their come, so come-covered we can't ******* see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Shut up. The gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. (double flips off Camille who doesn't notice him anyway) **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
Frank: Whoa, just chill. Just get down from the *******... (screams as he desperately tore himself out of the package and grabs Honey Mustard's legs at the last moments, but unable to hoist either of them.)
Carl: Oh, sh*t! He's out of the package!
Frank: Barry, help!
Barry: Oh, ****, Carl, what do we do?
Carl: I don't know! I can't reach him. I'm giving it everything I have.
Brenda: Frank!
Hot Dog Bun: (seeing Brenda performing the same) Brenda. Oh, my God! Brenda's out of the package!
Brenda: I got ya! Hold on! Hold on!
Frank: I can't hold on! My little glove! It's slipping off!
Honey Mustard: Look at you, following all their rules. You have no idea what's coming.
Frank: What is that in reference to? What's coming? Be more specific, please!
Honey Mustard: You want proof? Talk to Firewater. That ******** bottle of booze seems to know what's going on.
(The shopping cart jerked a little. Which frank accidentally let's go of honey Mustard.)
Frank: No!
(Honey Mustard laughs as he landed on the floor, shattered in pieces and died instantly.)
Plums: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
(The food characters are scared as another costumer crashed his shopping cart with Camille Toh's shopping cart, causing all food to get off the cart.)
Lavash: (while he got pulled by Sammy Bagel Jr.) Donkey f***er!
(Then they hit the metal bars of the shopping cart as they flew off the cart in slow motion and Douche got out of his box.)
Barry: Frank!
(Frank, Brenda, Lavash and Sammy Bagel fell off the cart and White Flour fell off the cart so hard that he blew up and died, causing a lot of flour powder to spread on the floor. A marshmallow runs away and a lot of food fell off as Frank is still alive. In the next scene, a grape soda can runs while spilling soda from his head as Douche's nozzle got bent after he fell.)
Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my ******* box!
Chicken noodle soup: (While he got ripped his gut) Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
(Then a banana got killed after his face peeled off and lied down, then Jelly is dead after she fell and broke her lower part.)
Peanut butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you! (sobbing for his wife.)
Brenda: Get up! We gotta go!
(Then Frank looks at a cookie who looks at her cookie top and when she turns around, she's seen without her cookie back top. Then Brenda moves at Frank and pushes him away.)
Brenda: Frank! Move your ******* **s!
(Then the forward part of the shopping cart comes, as they're surprised.)
Various foods: Help!
Prune: 'Oh' my God!
(They started to run for their lives.)
Prune: Frank, run!
(Then he got smashed by the shopping cart's wheel.)
Chips: I can't! I can't!
Douche: Come on, Chips! It's you and me, bro! Gotta use your cardio, bro! Come on! Pump those legs!
(Chips has been popped by the cart, releasing chips everywhere as if they were bullets. Two Marshmallows where shredded by the potato chips. Chocolate Milk Carton was sliced open with the potato chips and he bled out. Two Grapes was hit with a potato chip, one sliced in half, one hit in the face.)
Lavash: Oh, my God!
Frank: Look out! Get to the wall!
Camille Toh: Hey. I... Sorry, I accidentally dropped a few things back there. Except for that douche. I don't know whose that is.
Darren: (Turns on intercom) Cleanup on Aisle 2. This MILF dropped a douche.
Camille Toh: Oh. "MILF." Thank you so much. (chuckles)
Barry: Oh, ****. Frank! ****, ****, ****. Oh, no. Frank.
Troy: Well, Barry, I guess now you're weird and a pussy. Add that to your list of accomplishments. (They all laugh except Carl)
Barry: Frank!
(Then Douche runs to reach Camille Toh)
Douche: No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! (He slips on a piece of flour powder and falls down as he reaches his hand to plead for help.) I could still... get up in there. (As he sees Camille Toh's butt, the supermarket doors closed, and Douche closed his hand making a fist as he gets up and checks his bent nozzle.) Oh, my God. My nozz! My motherf****** nozz!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me? Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly ****** up?
Frank: Whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. You should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off.
Peanut Butter's wife is dead. Look at him. He's right there.
Peanut Butter: JELLLLYYY!!! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
Douche: You think I give a **** about PB or J? **** this. I'm gonna kick your **s. How you like them apples?
Apples: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bros.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then, guess who's coming at you. Me. [Yells]
Brenda: Look out!
Douche: No!
Brenda: Um...
Cashier: Attention, shoppers. The store's closed.
Frank: You saved me!
Brenda: Well, yeah. Had to do something.
Frank: I can't believe you got out of your package. You would have gone to the Great Beyond. You'd be there right now.
Brenda: There is no Great Beyond without you, Frank.
Frank: Well, according to Honey Mustard, there might not be a Great Beyond at all.
Brenda: Frank, don't say that!
Frank: Did you hear what he said?
Brenda: Yeah, yeah, I heard him talking about the gods...all over our faces, and then I saw him die. Oh, no. What if the gods are doing this to us because we touched tips?
Frank: What? No! There's no way.
Brenda: "Just the tips." What were we thinking? It wasn't even that... I mean, it was fine. It's not like anyone writes home and says, Oh, God, I had the best tip."
Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was you. You cocksucking bagel ****face!
Box of cereal: Hey! Watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart. No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed you? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda. Even that I didn't push, you know. I pretty much passive-aggressively nudge. I reached out in a panic. It was toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me.
Brenda: I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is yours, then, huh?
Frank: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did. And now you and your stupid, useless bun have ****** us all.
Brenda: Hey, who you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Brenda: Ooh!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener cunt here.
Brenda: Hi, I'm Brenda. Brenda Bunsen.
Lavash: Oh, wow. Really? Well, fuck all of you! I am Kareem Abdul Lavash! And what I currently care about is that I have been... completely and utterly ****ed out of being in the Great Beyond. I am to have 77 bottles of extra-virgin olive oil... waiting for me. I am destined to soak up their sweet juices... as they dribble down my flaps.
Brenda: Okay. Look, guys, here's what I'm thinking. We hurry back to our aisles. We sneak into another package and still be fresh enough to get chosen.
Frank: Okay, let's climb to the top of the shelf here. And... then we'll get a lay of the land... and we'll figure out where we're going. Come on.
Lavash: As long as the bagel stays away from me, I accept.
Sammy: Oh, believe me, **shole, I'll keep my distance.
(Then the next scene shows the dumpster as Douche gets away from the green dumpster and falls.)
Douche: Oh! (he crawls to a vehicle wheel) No disrespect, but you look ******* gross, bro. Look at you. ******* bent-**s, busted-**s nozz. (Notices his fluids begin to leak out after a chip sliced him during his escape.) Oh, great. You're leaking all your juice out. Can I ask you a question, me? Why would a god let you up in her smooth, perfect sliz... when you can't even squirt? You got nothing to squirt! (then he slams his head on a wheel and drops himself down and sobs sadly) I got no purpose. I'm nothing! Oh, God.
(Then a voice is heard from somewhere far.)
Juicebox: Is someone there? Help me, someone. Help me. Help me. Help.
Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh, bro? (Then it shows that Juicebox has a hole on his lower part) And right out of your ******* dingle. ******* sucks, right?
Juicebox: Dying. So cold.
Douche: Oh. Uh-oh. Light bulb.
Lightbulb: Yes?
Douche: No, not ******* you, dummy. (Then he grabs Juicebox's lower part) I think I might be forming some beginnings of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea. (he started to grab Juicebox's legs) If you ******* tell anyone about this, I'm gonna deny it, bro. (Juicebox gets scared as Douche started to drain all of his juice out of the hole. The Juicebox tries to save himself, but no avail.) Fuck. This is some next-level sh*t, dude. You ******* like that? (Then he pushes Juicebox's gut to drink more as his body juice increases. Then his pupils got crazy.) I'm juicing up!
(Douche pressed him as he drank the juice left from Juicebox and left him juiceless, he laughs evilly. Douche's nozzle becomes straight once again and cackles)
Douche: I'm like a full-on juicehead now, bro.
(Notices the juice beginning to leak but laughs and tears the 'Juiced Up' sticker off the juicebox and slaps it onto his gash. Douche then proceeds to tear the drained juicebox in half)
Douche: I got a new purpose now. Revenge! (Then he lifts himself up) Where's that ******* sausage? Because this douche is DTFSU. (he runs) Down To **** a Sausage Up! (Then he pushes the door to run for him) I'm coming for you!
Lavash: First you come into our aisle and occupy more and more shelf space.
You even have settlements now on the west shelf that you claim as your own.
Sammy: Oh, look, it's not our fault we needed a homeland. The sauerkraut kicked us out of every decent aisle. They tried to send us to the barbeque section, for God's sake. We were displaced.
Lavash: Don't you talk to me about displacement! My good friend Tabouli was ousted from his shelf just to make room for that braided idiot, Challah.
Sammy: Wow, I can't... Frank, Brenda, come on, are you guys gonna weigh in here? I mean, whose side are you on? This isn't just about me. I mean, first they come for the bagels...
Frank: I don't know. Isn't there room for both of you? It seems like a pretty big aisle.
Sammy: (laughs) Yeah. Both, sure.
Lavash: [laughs] What a dumb ******* sausage! Like we can coexist!
Sammy: That's good material.
Lavash: Room for both of us!
Frank: Holy sh*t.
Brenda: Holy ****sticks. We are "ray-ray" far from home.
Frank: Liquor aisle. Firewater. From here, it seems like the best route is probably to go through the liquor aisle. So shall we?
Brenda: What? It kind of seems out of the way. Are you sure?
Frank: Yeah. Totally sure.
Brenda: Okay, because the way you're saying it doesn't sound like you're too confident.
Frank: Oh. Uh, yeah, trust me.
Brenda: Oh, okay, there we go.
Who wants to dance now!
Come on, let's rock!
Kegger!
Holy sh*t. Look at this place.
It's ******* crazy!
Are you seeing this? They're all out of their packages. What are they doing?
This is a place of unparalleled sin!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Didn't see you there. Sorry.
Don't mind me. Just minding my own business. Just passing through.
Hey, bun!
Welcome to the aisle. Wanna dance?
No, thank you, mon. I'm quite irie... just being left alone over here, don't you know?
Oh, boy. That was Irish.
Holy sh*t!
What a crazy coincidence!
This is Firewater's cave!
This is what Honey Mustard was talking about. We should go.
Okay, yeah, great.
You go do that.
I'll just be out here dry-humping this 40-ouncer.
Not! Yeah, I said "not."
That's how serious I am. We can't piss the gods off any more than we already have.
Okay, I totally get you don't wanna go in there.
I'll tell you what. I'll go in super-duper fast, in and out, I'll be five minutes.
Fine. Five minutes. Be fast.
And careful.
- Mostly fast. We have to go.
- Thank you. You're the best.
I'll meet you at the end of the aisle.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Hiya, how are ya?
Frank: Hiya. How are ya? I'm Frank. Are you Firewater?
Firewater: Mm-hm.
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Firewater: (Makes hand gestures which relate to what he tells Frank) I am the original inhabitant of this land.
My kind once had a pristine aisle.
Majestic and untouched.
Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of god**** ******* crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers.
They do have a nice aisle.
Okay, anyway, look. I was told that you might have some answers?
Firewater: Answers I have.
But first... (Grabs salt off of Salt Shaker's head and tosses it into his bonfire, causing a gust of smoke to explode into a giant question mark)
I must know the question.
Frank: Okay. Well, before I saw him jump to his death...
Honey Mustard said the Great Beyond is bullsh*t and the gods are monsters.
And I always kind of thought that it didn't quite add up.
So I guess my question is, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
Firewater: To find that which you seek... all you must do is look deep... into my bag of wonderment.
Frank: Whoa.
I don't see anything.
Firewater: Deeper.
Deeper.
Put your whole head in the bag there.
There you go.
Frank: Just say when.
I'm just gonna keep going in.
Firewater: Guys! Get out here!
Help me kill this prick!
???: This motherf***er knows too much. We gotta off his **s!
Firewater: Someone hand me a blade. I'll gut this cocksucker!
???: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods.
Firewater: Ah... He is right.
Take off the bag of wonderment.
Frank: Who are you?
Mr. Grits: We the nonperishables, motherf***a!
Twinks: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... immortal.
This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him.
You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here.
Mr. Grits: **** the crackers.
I'm gonna **** them crackers right in the crack of they cracker *****.
Cracker-**s crackers.
Frank: Well why were you going to kill me?
All I did was ask what happens... in the Great Beyond.
Jeez! What's the big whoop?
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage motherf***er the truth. We just met his **s.
Twinks: He basically knows it already.
Maybe it's time to end this.
Firewater: I am tired of all of the lies.
Prepare yourself.
For you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Does anybody want a hit before we get into this? Twink?
Twinks: Nah, I'm cool.
Mr. Grits: Sh*t, if we smoking, I'll hit it. That's what I thought.
Pass the weed, motherf***er.
God****! Whoo! Whoo! This indica?
Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa.
It's good sh*t. Clean high.
Frank: Oh, no, thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some.
Fifty-five minutes.
I know. Where is he?
(laughing)
Looks like you got ditched, bun. (chuckles)
He wouldn't ditch me, dumb**s.
He's my boyfriend. I mean... we touched T-I-Ps. (chuckles)
We touched tips
Just the tips
Oh, we touched our tips
Sorry, I don't know why I'm singing.
Sometimes I get nervous
And I'll sing!
Vash: Maybe that's why he ditched you.
Your loose morals are revolting, tip-toucher!
Brenda: You don't think that because I'm out of the package he thinks I'm not pure?
God. I didn't want to say it, but I do have that not-so-fresh feeling.
Tequila: Excuse me.
Are you a bun?
Brenda: Uh...
Yeah, I am. Why?
Tequila: And you've been traveling with a sausage?
Brenda: Yes! Yes, I have! Have you seen him?
Tequila: I have! He's looking for you in my aisle.
He's right this way.
I can take you to him, chica.
I take you to him real good.
All right, vamonos. Let's go.
I am to be trusted.
Yeah. This has a nice south-of-the-border vibe. Heh.
Okay, you go over there and you sit at the bar right there, okay?
You can't move a muscle, okay?
I'll be right back, all right?
Okay.
Teresa: And bless me, Santa Chimichanga, and protect me from the Dark Lord. Amen.
Brenda: Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Teresa: (gasps) The bun.
The one he's been searching for.
She's here.
(looks at Brenda's behind) And she's beautiful.
Brenda: Is it me or is everyone looking at us?
Teresa: Hola.
Brenda: Oh, hi. It's nice to meet...
Teresa: Shh. Don't look at me. Eyes forward. Act natural.
Brenda: Oh, okay.
Teresa: Listen, my name is Teresa Del Taco.
And you are in grande danger.
This is a trap!
You must to come with me. Now!
Tequila: All right. I got them right here, amigo. I... Sh*t!
Vash: Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy: My nose out of your crotch?
Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey. Why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh. He's coming.
Brenda: Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Douche.
Tequila: El Douche! El Douche!
(Douche pushes the door and he sees that they're not here and gets angry.)
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So you drag me over to this ******* aisle with all these illegal products... and now I don't see them. So where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Beans: Que?
Douche: Beans, I swear to ******* God, if you don't... shut the **** up...
Brenda: Oh, no. He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here.
Douche: What part of: "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me... and if I find out that you didn't come and get me... or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll ******* kill your **ses"... did you not understand, Tequila?
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know? I mean, this is... This happens, you know?
(He grits his teeth, but then he calms down.)
Douche: Bro, come here. No, it's fine. It's cool. No biggie. I'm not gonna do something ****** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here.
(He yells and smashes Tequila against the bar counter, shattering him)
Salsa: No way, José!
Douche: Yes way. José's ******* dead, yo. (lifts Tequila's head above him and drinks the dripping tequila liquids, causing his muscles to increase once more)
Teresa Taco: Puta madre, puta madre. (Translation: Mother****er, mother****er)
(Douche then tosses Tequila's head at El Guaco's groin, causing him to grasp it in deep pain)
El Guaco: (exclaims) Right in my guac and balls.
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you... unless you find the sausage and the bun.
Teresa: Por aca, por aca, this way. The coyotes used this tunnel to smuggle some of us out of the aisle... in hope of a better life. We will do the same.
Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank: Okay, okay, I'm super baked. My friends are probably wondering where the **** I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... we invented it!
Frank: What?!
Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our **ses.
Frank: What, are you crazy? That doesn't make any sense. Why would the gods kill us?
Firewater: Because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives them more power, and it's never enough. (showing a picture depicting human race's evolution from their primitive ancestors to overweighted modern man) Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy. I mean, ****.
Frank: You guys are ******* nuts. How much of that sh*t have you been smoking? Too ******* much is how much.
Firewater: We blaze for real, 24/7. No joke. But we also know our sh*t. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. (as he spoke, we are brought to traditional, hand drawn cartoon depiction of flashback of Shopwell's dark times in the past, showing many foods are helpless upon being bought by human customers that looked horrifying and demonic) Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. (the scene shift to the trio who scheme the concept of Great Beyond, with ****ish look of men's kitchens turned into a Heaven-esque land the Great Beyond supposed to be) So we, the nonperishables, created a story. The story of the Great Beyond. A place where the gods care for you... and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy instead of sh*tting themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So you're telling me you wrote the song?
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink is my lyricist. We both drop it right and we drop it all the time. Boom. The melody came to me one night... when I was getting super, super, super baked. Like ****-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, he does.
The song had a great hook and it caught on. You know.
In time, everyone accepted this false truth.
But over the years, things started to get a little ****y.
The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views.
******* with Twink's tight-**s lyrics. Remixing my sh*t without my permish.
Now every morning when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the **** are you guys saying?!" Wasn't there a part about exterminating juice? I didn't write that sh*t! I love juice! Always have. Juice are hilarious. Who the **** do these guys think they are?
Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
Frank: So that means Carl and Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are. But if they went out those doors?
Mr. Grits: Dead as a motherf***er.
Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I gotta tell everyone!
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Oh, yeah. That's a good point. **** me, right?
Frank: Wait, do you guys have any proof of this?
Twink: Go to the Dark Aisle. Beyond the ice.
Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
Twink: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you... once you see that sh*t... it'll **** you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (gives Frank a quick peck on the lips before running back to his buddies and he giggles)
Firewater: Hey, Grits. Pack another bowl, will you? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
(Cuts to Camille's kitchen, where she places her groceries on the counter and then pulls her pants to fix the wedgie caused by her massive camel toe)
Camille Toh: Sh*t. I really needed that douche.
Carl: Holy sh*t, we're actually here! Come on, Barry, you're missing it, man! Dude, get in on this sh*t.
Barry: God, what have I done? Frank needed my help, but I wasn't there for him. After all the times he stood up for me, you know. God, I'm such a fearful coward. He'll never forgive me. I'll never forgive me.
Carl: Look, Barry, the only way to respectfully honor Frank... is to completely forget about him.
Barry: Oh.
Carl: And, hey, for all we know, he's okay.
He's probably headed back to our aisle and he'll be here tomorrow.
Just act happy. Ignore your feelings.
Come on, let's see that smile. Ah.
I see that lip curling up.
Oh, there you go! Whoo!
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're in the Great Be-frigging-yond. (whooping)
Troy: Get ready, boys! We's about to fills what we need to fills. (Camille Toh opens the package as Carl sighs loudly) Feel that breeze. Carl, do you feel that?
Carl: This feels amazing. (Troy howls) - Whoo-hoo!
Cheese: Oh, yeah.
We're out of the package.
It's beautiful, man.
It's just beautiful! I'm crying!
I'm crying because it's so pretty here!
Stretch your legs with me, Carl.
Just do it, man.
Potato: Oh, yes! Yes!
I'm the first to enter eternity!
Carl: Potato! Way to go, buddy! That's my guy!
== Food Massacre ==
Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a god! (singing) Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call... (all of sudden, the moon is covered by dark clouds as the scene's background turned red as blood and Potato's stomach gets sliced off) ACK! JESUS ****!
All groceries: (Screams as Potato continues to get his skin sliced off)
Potato: (in agony) Oh! God, me skin! She's peelin' me ******' skin!
Carl: What. The! ****?!
Potato: (about to be put in a pot full of boiling water) Jesus, you ******' whore! Me eyes! (holding his eyes that cooked by the steam) THEY BURN! (gurgles and dies as Camille Toh closed the pot)
Camille Toh: (Glares on potato demonically as she raise her knife upwards like an executioner raises his axe.)
Tomato: No! Please, no! I have got a famiglia! (Camille slammed her knife like an executioner's axe, slicing Tomato into half. She then tossed four bacons to a pan full of boiling oil to frying them that one of them had one of his eyes violently popped. A cabbage had his eyes gouged as he torn apart, A mold bread is getting cut in the lower part, and Cheese had his head grated to death)
Cheese: (in agony as his head grated to his death with grated pieces of his head rains the horrified nachos) No! No!
Carl: Cheese! You don't deserve that!
Nachos: (scream to their death as they microwaved alive with heated grated cheese burns through their cooked corpses.)
(Camille Toh holds a wine bottle on her legs as he begs for mercy, and she opens the cork, and spills blood on the sausages and Troy)
Troy: Oh, no! No!
(Barry gets scared and Carl screams of fear. Then Camille Toh puts the baby carrots on a bowl, but two of them fell off the kitchen table.)
Baby Carrot: For the love of sh*t, run!
(They started to run as in the humans' real life, the baby carrots are rolling to fall off, Camille Toh hums as she realizes two baby carrots are going to fall.)
Camille Toh: Whoops!
(The two baby carrots jump off, but they got grabbed by Camille Toh.)
Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
(Then Camille Toh ate the two baby carrots. Then the next scene shows Camille Toh's inside mouth and the two baby carrots getting eaten by Camille Toh to death.)
Carl: They're eating children! ******* CHILDREN! (Notices the open window, seeing that as a sign for freedom) We gotta run!
Barry: (Shouting fearfully) We're all gonna die!
Carl: Barry! (slaps him) Snap the **** out of it and run!
Okay, little buddy.
Jump on the count of three.
One!
Two!
Thre... (groans)
Barry: Carl? (Carl groans)
"Gar babar" what?
What are you saying, Carl?
Oh! Oh, God. No!
No! Oh, God! Carl!
Carl!
Barry!
Carl! Dear sweet Carl.
What have they done to you, Carl?
No!
Whoa!
No! No.No.No!
I fall out of the cart, then I lose Frank, now I'm being hunted by a douche.
The gods must be punishing me, don't you see?
This is what I get for giving in to my disgusting urges.
I'm such a whore.
Teresa: Sweet bun, I must admit I too sometimes have urges... impure thoughts. We all do.
Oh, good. That actually makes me feel a little better.
-We must never give in to them.
-That's the opposite... of what I thought you'd say.
- Yes.
The gods are always watching, even when we cannot see them.
You think it's too late for me?
Do not worry, bun. I will get you home.
Brenda: Can I ask why you're helping me?
Teresa: When I saw you, I felt inside myself a tingling-lingling sensation.
I am sure it was the gods telling me to help you.
It was as though I saw myself in you.
Brenda: Yeah. Yeah, I guess
I kind of see myself in you too.
I mean, look at our shapes.
You know, you're sideways.
But still, you're kind of like me.
A thin, brittle version of me.
Vash: Or another way of looking at it is you're a fat, ugly version of her.
Brenda: All right. That's not necessary.
Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, ****!
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here? A taco, a whiny doughnut... and some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is. Okay, so...
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: ******* stretch, and you know you it, Queso! So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... - and in my opinion appropriately... - Oh! To find the whereabouts... of the sausage who destroyed my body and my... - *******... -
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: ****, that hurts so much! Oh! Run! Oh, he's coming at us! Hurry! - Guys, I'm stuck! - (Douche yells) Ay, my bunny-bun!
Vash: I told you she was too fat.
Brenda: I heard that!
Teresa: Come on, honeybun, suck it in. - (Bellows) - He's coming, he's coming. - [Douche roars] Eso duele, get the butter!
Douche: ****! Stuck! You gotta be kidding me, dude!
Teresa: (Speaking Spanish) Son of a **tch!
Brenda: Yeah! What she said!
Teresa: (Speaks Spanish) Let's not start eating each other's boxes just yet.
We are still not safe here. Let's go!
Brenda: Screw you!
I'm gonna get you, my pretty! I'm gonna get you and your little sausage too!
Go **** yourself, El Douche.
Ay, Santa Chimichanga...
I promise to be a good taco.
Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
What do I do?
I'm all alone.
I'm a coward and I'm all alone.
I ****** over Frank, Carl's dead and I'm all alone.
This is what I get for being a pussy.
Oh, no, a god!
A sausage.
Sir?
Sir, I'm sorry to wake you.
I'm a fellow sausage in distress.
My name's Barry, it's a pleasure to meet you.
What's your name?
Oh, God!
No, no, no!
(Yelps)
I begged them to stop, but they just wouldn't.
First, the gods stretched me till it hurt.
Then they went inside me and then...
And then...THE SPERM!
- (Barry gasps)
Look at me.
Look at me!
They... They feel no remorse.
Oh, God, oh, God! What's the point of even living anymore?
I might as well just die. (He starts to cry as a human druggie walks to the drug dealer then drops the bag of Shopwell's) Home.
Maybe this god can get me home.
Hey, man, be careful with this.
Bath salts are the real deal.
People been seeing some crazy sh*t.
Awesome.
I can warn Frank.
Here goes everything!
Brenda!
Oh!
Brenda!
Brenda! Oh, Brenda, there you are!
- Frank!
- Ah! You feel so good.
I was afraid you left me because I wasn't fresh.
I was attacked by a douche.
He's trying to kill us!
Douche? Oh, my God, Brenda!
Are you okay? Did he come at you?
Yes, I'm fine, but it was really scary.
Where have you been?
All right, look, I found out some pretty major sh*t.
I met this group of nonperishables between the shelves, and they told me... that they invented the Great Beyond because the gods are evil...- and they kill us!
- What?
But apparently there's proof in the Dark Aisle beyond the ice.
We gotta go there and check it out!
Let's go!
Don't say that. You're starting to sound like that whack-job Honey Mustard.
Maybe Honey Mustard wasn't so crazy after all.
Frank, Frank, stop it.
The gods are already pissed at us.
Please don't make it worse.
Just come on, we have to get home before it's too late.
Well, Brenda, I can't just do that.
I need to know the truth.
I need to go to the Dark Aisle, and I want you to come with me.
I can't do that.
- I want you to come home with me.
- Well...
I can't do that.
Then I don't really know what to do right now.
I don't either.
I don't get how you can just believe stuff you don't have any proof of.
How come all of a sudden you only believe if there's proof?
I'm not walking around with my eyes closed!
What are you saying? I should believe in nothing? That everything is pointless?
Better than believing bullsh*t that you can't explain!
Maybe I don't need to explain it because it's something I feel.
Well, I feel like that makes it hard to have a rational conversation.
Eff you, Frank. You know what?
I was wrong before.
There is a Great Beyond without you... and I'm gonna go there and fill myself with something else!
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I'll fill myself with a parsnip or a dill pickle.
Maybe even an eggplant.
You couldn't fit an eggplant in there!
It's too big! It'll tear you in half!
Oh, you'd be amazed what I could fit in here.
What the **** is going on with these two?
Maybe I'll really mix it up. Stick a tube of toothpaste in there, huh?
- Squeeze it all over my face.
- You're just trying to hurt me!
- All over my backside, neck and face.
- I'm not gonna listen!
Brenda! Brenda, okay, look.
Let's just stop this, okay? Okay?
You're my bun.
Oh, don't "You're my bun."
Hey, trust me!
Hey, guys, come over here, follow me!
[chuckles]
You're basically saying you don't care about me.
What?! No, I'm not!
Well, actions speak louder than words, and your actions, sir, are deafening.
I can't believe I got out of my package for you... and you won't get back in one for me.
Goodbye, Frank.
We will tell stories of your idiocy.
Stay safe.
Come on, guys, this affects all of us!
Brenda!
Sammy! Lavash!
Taco Lady. I didn't get your name yet.
Brenda!
Meatloaf: (Singing)
What is this place?
Druggie: (moving his things away to prepare the bath salts.) Well, everybody told me not to do this. But **** everybody. (Then he prepares his instruction manual.) Because bath salts here I come!
(Then he opens his bath salts bag, pours it on his spoon, then turns on his lighter to fry it, injects it on a syringe, tourniquets his arm and injects it in a vein.)
Druggie: Ow. (Then his pupils grow as he felt something weird.) Surf's up! (Then the golden dust shows that the scene colors changed from almost grey to full color. Barry still hides behind the books.) **** me! (giggles) (Barry hides behind the bar, moves a little and goes to the books.) Oh, my God. Ooh.
Barry: What's he doing to himself? (he checks at the Druggie)
Druggie: Oh, yeah.
(Then he sees a supermarket bag.)
Druggie: These bath salts are so good. Ooh.
(He hides on an empty plastic vase, then on a science tube, and then in a sushi bag.)
Druggie: Oh, sh*t. (he keeps shaking his hands.) Oh, it just got better! Bath salts must be kicking in. (while he keeps shaking his hands, then he notices a sausage rolling) What?
(Then due to the bath salt effects, the sausage rolling which is Barry, grows his legs and his arm, and his eyes and mouth appear on Druggie's sight.)
Druggie: What the ****?
(Barry stops for a moment)
Barry: Uh... Hello?
(Druggie and Barry shouts at each other freaking out.)
Barry: (pleading for his life while thinking he's gonna kill him) Please don't kill me! Please, just wait!
Druggie: What are you? (He touched Barry's gut. Then he backs off to his couch.) Are you some kind of magical sausage?
Barry: No, no. No, I'm just Barry. I'm just Barry. Wait. Wait. You can actually understand me? And I can actually understand you?
Druggie: Whoa. The bath salts are showing me the real world. (Barry looks at the syringe the Druggie used to inject himself. Druggie freaks out.) It's ******* lifted the veil of non-reality!
Potato Chips: (he appears) Holy sh*t! He can actually see us?
(Then the groceries, including the almost eaten ones (a cookie, a half-eaten cookie, a slightly eaten sandwich, a beer can, a cake cookie and a ticklish licorick pack) come and worry about him.)
Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! (exclaims in alarm) I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
Barry: Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man. Just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves... and your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
Pizza: Legs, huh? (Then he looks at him while holding a cushion) Look at me. (A pizza crawls legless because he was recently eaten in the lower part.) Look at me. I ain't got no legs, you ****! You ate my god**** legs!
Druggie: Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, ****! I've eaten so many of your family members! (he throws his cushion in desperation after eating a lot of pizzas) I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end?!
Beer Can: "When will it end"? When he stops drinking us.
Beer Can, Potato Chips and Ticklish Licorice Pack: Yeah!
Cookies: And stops eating us!
Sandwich: Same here!
Cookie Cake: **** yeah!
Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
Potato Chips: What did he do to you?
Toilet Paper: (traumatizedly) You don't wanna ******* know. (he backs off scaredly)
Druggie: Okay, okay. I promise. I'll never eat food again. I'll just... I'll just eat dirt and wipe my **s with sticks!
Barry: Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do. Take... me... home. (Barry points at the supermarket bag.)
Druggie: You got it! I just need to rest my eyes for a few.
(Then he sleeps on his couch.)
I literally can't wait to be home.
I'm so excited, I'm plotzing.
Gefilte Fish will be there. Matzah.
Even Hummus.
- Wait a minute. You know Hummus?
- Know him?
I'm gonna go so far as to say I consider
Hummus one of my dearest friends.
Really? I too know Hummus!
- And I too consider him a dear friend.
- Hm.
We both like Hummus.
Well, any friend of Hummus is a...
Get the **** away from me.
What troubles you, sweet Brenda?
It's just Frank.
I can't believe he did this to me.
We were supposed to be together.
He's flawed, as are we all.
But your Frank did say some things that have stayed with me.
We live our lives with all these rules... and some of them stop us from doing the things we want... causing our deepest urges to be suppressed... when they are gathering like wildfire between our legs!
Did you say "between our legs"?
There it is.
- Look, my homeland!
- Oh, look, my aisle!
- Hurray!
- Yes!
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Well, jeez, it's been a sincere sensation.
Goodbye, Brenda Bunson.
Goodbye, Teresa Del Taco.
So long, Bagel.
Traveling with you was...- tolerable.
-Oh, you're so sweet.
Later, you flappy ****.
Well, Teresa, you've done as much as you promised.
You got me back to my aisle safely.
I really can't thank you enough.
Look, Brenda, I'm going to come clean.
I have feelings for you I can't deny.
- Crotch feelings.
"Crotch"?
Sorry. But I'm not a soft taco.
I'm a hard, horny taco.
Oh, you don't have to apologize.
Honestly, if the rules were different, maybe I'd give it a whirl.
- Don't knock it till you try it, right?
- That's what I'm saying.
But I can't try it.
And therefore, I have to knock it.
It's just not what the gods intended.
Look, there's temptation everywhere.
I see it.
Stiff sausages... and sexy tacos.
But if there is one thing I've learned on this journey... what we want doesn't matter.
You can't disobey the gods.
I'm really sorry.
I'll never forget you.
Hola, Teresa.
Hola means "hello."
- Oh. What's the word for "goodbye"?
- Adios.
Exactly.
- Sh*t.
- How the **** does this thing work?
I wish this god would wake up already.
How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
???: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Barry: What? Who the **** is that?
Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
I am Sorbitol, Malitol,
Xylitol, Mannitol...
Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin...
Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc.
But for expediency's sake, you can call me...
Gum.
For 20 years, I was stuck under the desk of a brilliant scientist.
I was scraped off and discarded... and eventually found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here.
Your home is a supermarket.
This is but one of many... as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding... unified by a singular purpose:
To store food and products for human consumption.
The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here.
If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Great. That last part was all you had to say, really. Hey, wake up! Hey! Idiot! Are you hearing me? Dude! It's me, Barry!
(Then Druggie after the effects of bath salts dissipated, wakes up scared as Barry got stuck and fell off his cushion, then he calms down.)
Druggie: What? What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh. (he sees a sausage) What the **** is this doing here? Oh, yeah. Bath salts. (chuckles) I can't believe I was actually talking to you, sausage. (laughs) God! Tripping balls for three hours really works up an appetite.
Toilet Paper: Oh, no. This is not good.
(Then all groceries run away, but the Potato Chips bag got grabbed by Druggie.)
Barry: What are you doing?
Gum: The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension.
Chips: No! No! (he struggles to free himself, but fails)
Gum: The effects of the opiate have dissipated. Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him. (Then Druggie prepares to open the Potato Chips bag.) We are totally ******.
(And Druggie opened the Potato Chips bag off-screen as it dropped some chips, and everybody reacted scaredly.)
Barry: Oh, my God. (Druggie is about to grab Barry) No! No! Oh, God! (exclaims and he gets grabbed by Druggie.) Put me down! No! Come on, put me down.
Toilet Paper: Oh, God.
Barry: Help me! (screams)
(The Druggie walks to his kitchen, grabs a pan, puts it to the oven and lights the fire. Barry screams of fear.)
Barry: Oh, no. It can't end like this. I have to warn Frank. No. No! (Druggie drops Barry) No! (Then the scene blacks out and fades in to the Dark Aisle scene.)
What the **** is this place?
What the **** is that?
****.
No.
No way.
No. No.
No, no, no.
I gotta show them.
They need to know how wrong they all are before it's too late!
(Frank rips off a page of the cooking book. It switches to a scene where lavashes conflict themselves with bagels. Lavash and Sammy look upset at each other, and they split ways.)
Gefilte Fish: Sammy, Bubula, where have you been? Oh, I'm surprised that savage Lavash didn't stone you to death.
Baba Ganoushi: You had to travel with a bagel? How much did his dirty hands steal from you?
Lavash: A ton.
(While Lavash and Sammy look upset at each other, they protest against each other.)
What are you doing out of a package?
It's almost Red, White and Blue Day.
Hello.
Well, you know, it's a long, pretty sad story, actually... and I'd rather not get into it right now.
What the **** are you doing?
- Stop it!
- Stop!
- There we go.
- You're smushing me.
- Help me!
- Perfect fit.
God! Move your fat **s.
(A Vodka bottle walks as Douche's eyes can be seen. Then Douche stealthily grabs Vodka, covers his mouth and snaps his neck. Then he drinks it all until he's paralyzed and shakes uncontrolledly, then his eyeballs turned pink to yellow, his pupils are still red and his muscles increased.)
Douche: I'm ******* jacked up now, bro. (laughs evilly as he recently killed a lot of drinkable foods by drinking them all off-screen and gets up.) Where's that ******* "sauzeech"?
(The clock is almost 7 am. Frank runs to a computer with a piece of cooking page and turns on the computer.)
Frank: Um... Friends. Ramen. Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears of Corn. (Corn sighs upsetly) I am Frank... and I am a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie. (All groceries come to hear the news) When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death. Murder. Automatic expiration. (All illegal products come to see the news.) The Great Beyond is bullsh*t.
Curry Paste: What?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: You liar!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof!
(Then he shows a page of a human eating a sausage and a bun, that surprised everybody. The lemons got scared. Then he shows a page of a human squeezing a lemon while a girl drinks it.)
Cocktail: Ooh!
Sugar Rope: What is this?
Relish: It's... (They all see the truth.) It's murder!
(Everybody is scared as they heard the truth.)
Sammy Bagel Jr.: This... This makes no sense.
Lavash: But what about the extra-virgin olive oil? My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps. I can't! (Ululating)
(Everybody ululates and the bagels look at the wall)
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys! Easy! Look, I have a plan. We can run.
(She opens the freezer)
Caramel Apple: I can't run. I'll melt.
Frank: Okay, then we'll hide.
Dog Food Bag: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight!
Nut: I ain't fighting alongside a bunch of fruits!
(All nuts glare at fruits.)
Watermelon: Whatever, you nut job.
Curry Paste: So we cannot run, we cannot hide... and we cannot stand up to them because they're ******* gods... and they are immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ******!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? (Looks at the screen showing a woman eating a hotdog.) Or this? (Honey Drippers Box turns around to show kids holding a cereal bag happily.)
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Red Apple: Me, either.
Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing.
Caramel Apple: Yeah. I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just a (stutters) theory.
Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. (shows his evidence) Open your ******* eyes. Don't be so weak.
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Refried Beans Can: You, señor, have no bedside manner.
Frank: What?! I got bedside manner!
Frozen Fruitz Bag: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs.
Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of sh*t.
(Frank backs off skeptically as they all stopped believing of what he says. As the clock pointed at 7 am. The lights turned on as Frank worries.)
Frank: No, it's starting. No.
Oh, no, no, no.
Come on. Sing.
- Do it.
- No! Don't do it, Corn.
- Come on, Larry. You can do it.
- Start.
Don't you dare ******* do it, Corn.
Don't you ******* do it.
Dear gods
You're so divine in each and every way
To you we pray
Brenda!
Dear gods
We pledge our love to you
Forever more
Brenda! You gotta get out of there!
No! No, no, no!
- No!
- Frank!
No! Brenda! Oh, God.
Where we're sure
Nothing bad happens to food
Once we're out the sliding doors
Brenda!
What's up? I'm Ralph.
Looks like this is happening, huh?
Yeah, I've been working on my moves.
Ever heard of the jackrabbit?
Oh, ****.
The gods will always care for us
They won't squeeze us out their butts
We cannot overstate
How confident we are
That our beliefs are accurate
And nothing awful happens to us... i '
Brenda!
No! Where is she?
Sh*t!
God**** it.
I blew it.
Hey. Doesn't mean
it's too late to redeem yourself.
Take it from me...
Barry.
Barry? ls this real?
You're alive!
You bet your sweet butthole I am.
- But how?
- I'll tell you how.
The gods can be... Ahem.
Excuse me.
The gods can be killed!
- Oh, ******* what the ****?!
- I know. Look at this ******* guy.
Barry imitating Druggie: I'm a ******* idiot. I'm dead now. I've been on a bad path for years. Let me tell you the story of my stupid ******* death.
(A flashback shows that he was about to fall into a pan with boiling water.)
Barry: No. No! No! (After Druggie dropped Barry, he accidentally dropped him near the pot and fell off the ground.)
Druggie: Woop. Five-second rule.
(The Druggie unnoticedly hit the pot handle with his arm that spilled boiling water on his back that made him scream painfully. Then the Druggie stomps on boiled water only for Barry to pull a shoelace and make Druggie slip and hit the wall. Then the Druggie fell so hard that made the left axeholder to fall off as the axe is ready to fall and decapitate him.)
Druggie: No!
(And he got decapitated and the flashback ended.)
Barry: (still imitating Druggie) And then they figured out how to drive my car, snuck into an AC vent... and that pretty much brings us up-to-date. (then he speaks normal and angrily.) Get the **** away from me. (he apologizes) Frank, I'm sorry. When you guys fell out of that cart, I could have done something, but I didn't. Then I did the same thing as... They killed Carl.
Frank: Those ****ers. Did he suffer?
Barry: No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. They truly are monsters.
Frank: Those monsters are gonna kill Brenda. She's somewhere out there in a cart. I tried to warn everyone, but they didn't believe me!
Barry: Of course they didn't. You just called them all a bunch of ******* idiots. You can't just slam their beliefs. You have to show them there's a better way. You need to inspire them like you inspired me. You need to give them hope.
Frank: Hope? How the **** are we supposed to give them that? You got lucky and killed a stupid one. There's dozens of them down there.
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Who are you?
I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
His name's Gum. Just introduce yourself as Gum from now on.
He's great. He's gonna help us get the upper hand on these ****ers.
Show everyone we can fight back.
Oh, sh*t. Brenda!
- Oh!
- Brenda! Brenda!
Frank!
Let's move, boys.
Whew. Kind of stuffy in here, hey, girls?
So I'm just gonna get out, get a little air for a second.
- What's your problem?
- Let go of me.
First you smush Sally, and then you try to
**** up Red, White and Blue Day for us?!
Get your hands off me! I gotta get out!
Just chill out, you crazy **tch!
- Bun fight! Check it out.
- They're gonna kill us all!
- Oh, ****, ****, ****. We need to hurry.
- The bath salts are primed.
Make it rain.
(Then all Barry's friends shot their bath salted toothpicks at all humans, including at Darren.)
Darren: What the ****? (he removed the toothpick of his butt.) All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this ******* toothpick at me, man?
(They keep walking like it nothing happened.)
Frank: Nothing happened. You said this would help us defeat them.
Barry: Worked on the dude whose head we chopped off.
Brenda: (while she struggles) Let go of me! Let go of me!
Frank: She's being chosen. We have to act!
(Frank looks at the balloons and at the supermarket door latches, so he ran to grab a balloon. A woman who's carrying her supermarket bag starts to feel nauseous due to the bath salt effects.)
Woman: Whoa, God. What is happening? (Then all the groceries she sees, are alive and she reacts surprisedly) Oh, my God! (And she screams and runs away with her supermarket bag.)
Frank: (while holding the tail of the inflated balloon) There is no way this is gonna work.
Barry: Have faith.
(Barry lets go the rope and Frank flies on a balloon that's deflating and pursues the woman who runs away scaredly while screaming.)
Brenda: (distorted voice) Frank!
Frank: (distorted voice) Brenda!
(Then Frank reaches to the supermarket door latches as he moves the left one down that the woman hit the glass and cracked with her own head, that she passed out as Brenda fell off the bag. Then the woman fell down as she gets up and screams. Frank screams and tries to run, but got caught by the woman as she's ready to squeeze Frank with her hands in anger.)
Frank: Let go of me! Let go of me! Oh, God! Oh, God!
(Before the woman could kill him, Brenda grabs the woman's hair.)
Brenda: Stay away from my sausage, you skank!
(Then she jumps and slams the woman's head hardly that broke the woman's skull eventually killing her as everybody is surprised.)
Everybody: Oh!
(Teresa Taco smiles for Brenda's bravery. Brenda hugs Frank as she worries about him.)
Brenda: Frank.
Frank: Brenda. Look, I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with this whole thing incredibly poorly.
Brenda: You really have. Honestly, it's been pathetic at times. But luckily, it's not too late. Come on.
(They all walk and stand on a corpse's butt. The pizza puts the camera on.)
Frank: You see? There is hope!
Sugar Rope: Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, **shole.
Frank: No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs... and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But what I do know is that together we can fight these monsters... and take control of our own lives.
Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
Frank: We need to unite and stop focusing on each other's differences... especially in immature and outdated ways. (They all nod in agreement.) We have to cooperate and...
Supermarket Woman #1: Die!
(She slaps Pizza and flies him to the wall, killing him)
Frank: Oh, no! Pizza!
(Everybody gets scared as they run away)
Supermarket Woman #2: The food's ******* possessed!
(She grabs Sandwich)
Sandwich: Oh, sh*t! (screams)
(Then she ate him violently, eventually killing him.)
Ticklish Licorice Pack: We're all gonna die! (A customer grabs him) Oh, God!
Customer: It's devil food! (he rips off brutally the Ticklish Licorice Bag and Ticklish Licorices drop on the ground. The Mustard gets scared of the humans' actions.)
Green Apple: Oh, my God!
(A Fitness Guy is seen throwing a watermelon and shattering it. Mexican Tomato Sauce was hidden on a shopping cart.)
Mexican Tomato Sauce: The sausage, he was right! They're evil! (he runs away.)
(The cookies tried to run away, but they got stomped by a human.)
Cookie Cake: Oh, sh*t!
(Then a man crushes him with his fist since he couldn't run faster because he got the tape running backwards. They all back off as a fat man grabs the shopping carts and throws them as they try to escape, but they're cornered. The Beans Cans and the Milk Boxes are scared.)
Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then this is it.
Barry: At least we go out together.
(They all grabbed hands as they're ready to sacrifice)
Fat Man: (yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash) Ow! What the...?
Lavash: You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.: You **** with us, **tch. (Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.) Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.
(They hop on Gum, as they run away.)
- Can't this thing go any faster?
- Suck my pink cock.
Come on, you candy ******.
Join the fight!
Hey, what do you think?
Should we do it?
Come on, guys. It's us or them.
Ow! [exclaims]
[roars]
[gunts]
They're doing it.
Yeah! We got him!
Diet Cola: You ready for this?
Pack of Mints: I don't know.
Diet Cola: It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage. (he opens his lid.)
Pack of Mints: This is gonna hurt so ******* much.
(He ducks as he pulls his red rope as he yelps painfully, releasing mints as the mints are falling. The Pack of Mints then falls dead. The Diet Cola runs and jumps to make his sacrifice. All mints fell on the Fat Man's opened mouth and Diet Cola landed on Fat Man's mouth as he makes him absorb diet cola combined with mints that the Fat Man inflates and foams. Everybody runs for their lives.)
Frank: Run, guys, run!
(And the Fat Man explodes to death.)
Teresa Taco: Sergeant Pepper, cue the fruits! Al ataque!
Sergeant Pepper: Fruits are a go. Go, fruits!
(The Jitterbug song is played as the fruits perform their dance. The Fitness Guy reacts surprisedly.)
Fitness Guy: No. Get away from me, you ******* fruits!
(Fitness Guy landed on a trap. The Mexican Flour Bag jumps and ends up catching Fitness Guy.)
Teresa Taco: Yeah, that's it! (Fitness Guy got hanged out) Beat him like a piñata!
(The groceries started to beat up Fitness Guy while singing a song in Spanish)
You send my soul sky high
When your lovin' starts
(A lot of groceries chase the humans as every shelf shows all food are killing them. Darren escapes as Meatloaf chases him with his motorcycle. A propane gas falls and explodes as he rides it like in the movies. Then Darren jumps to the nearest cash register.)
Guy: Get the Dark Lord!
Darren: Why do you keep calling me that?! ****. Come on. Come on. (he tries to open desperately the box that has a gun.)
Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but **** it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (laughs)
Darren: (he pulled harder and the box opened and took the gun.) Wait, snap out of it, man. (he slaps himself repeatedly) Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
Darren: What? Ahh. A talking douche.
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no! This is too much. This is too much.
Douche: Breathe, man. We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand. (He unzips Darren's pants to enter on his Blurred private parts) You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait. What are you doing?!
(Douche shoves his nozzle up Darren's butt)
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: Dude! That went up my **s!
Douche: (laughs) Now, stand up. (Yanks on Darren's scrotum)
Darren: Ow!
Darren: Turn right. Left. (cackles) Yeah!
Frank: Sausages and buns, let's party!
Yee-ha!
Hyah! Hyah!
Ah! Call 911! OW! (Cries out)
Huge mistake, bros.
[exclaims] Wha...?
Oh, no. Oh!
Frank: Brenda! (guffaws)
Ow! (screams)
Frank!
Frank: Barry! (Barry screams)
Douche: Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you. (Prepares to punch Douche but Darren grabs him) (yells) Oh!
Douche: Okay, we got him, easy now. Easy now.
Darren: Well it's hard when your head's up my **s and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact... that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! (The scene turns right to reveal a bottle of ketchup, mustard, and a jar of relish gathered together in fear) Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. (laughing evilly) I sucked a juicy box's ****, and I'm shoved up a god's **shole. And this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro. (Bites Frank on his left side.)
Frank: (Screams in agony)
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats sh*t; Gods do, bro. (In a thundering voice) I'M A ******* GOD!
Darren: Goodbye, little sausage. (Aims his magnum at Frank, preparing to shoot him)
Frank: (Yelps)
Brenda: Oh, Frank.
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank: Help me!
Gum: Perhaps I could be of some assistance. (Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly killing him. The wound then regenerates similar to the Terminator) Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
(Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks, but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching)
Douche: ****! (Drops Frank)
(Frank screams as he is about to fall onto the sharp ends of broken beer bottle, but Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto a shelf. Darren then sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet in a Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can.)
Douche: What's happening out there?!?!
Barry: Now!
(Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path)
Can: So long, **shole! (Flips Darren the blurred finger.)
(The cart then passes by Sammy and Vash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky.)
Peanut: (While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory.) Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. We ******* won! (Laughing)
(All the food in the store cheer in victory as they have won the war against the 'gods')
Tampon: Ew. (As she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously.)
(Cut to Frank and Brenda viewing the battlefield)
Frank: We did it.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. (Chuckles) What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: (In a singing voice.) just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips...
(Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays)
("With these hungry eyes, one look at you and I can't disguise, I've got...")
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
(Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him)
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. (Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused)
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know...
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, motherf***er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you. (Both kiss)
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! (Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda) Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
(Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs)
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" (Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda)
Brenda: Oh!
(Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar)
Mr. Grits: Jesus ******* Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty ******* sure I am. (Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself)
Mr Grits: Oh, sh*t. Now it's on.
(All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.)
("Just as bad as I do...")
Meat Loaf: (Two liquor bottle flash him.) Yeah! (The bottles proceed to jump on him)
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
(Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.)
Barry: Oh, wow. (Walks over to her.) Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
(Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.)
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! (Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.) Take that Grit ****, **tch! You like Grits in your **s, cracker?
Gum: (As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.) Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: (As Brenda chokes him.) I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Mol**ses. Mol**ses.
Brenda: (As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.) Oh, yeah. **** you!
(Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.)
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: (Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face) Want me to be a Hamburger? Rubble, rubble! Rubble, rubble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my ******* load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: (Exclaims)
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
(Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.)
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My **** is drained.
(The orgy ends as Frank and Brenda are now shown observing the remains of Shopwell's.)
That was amazing.
It was okay. But you were amazing.
I can't believe we were saving ourselves for the Great Beyond when...
Frank and Brenda: It was in front of us the whole time.
Frank: I love you, Brenda.
Brenda: I love you, Frank.
Sammy: You know, my boner still hasn't gone down. ls that bad?
Lavash: Bad for my **shole, I'll tell you that much. (Him and Sammy both laugh.) Seriously, though, your recovery time is off the charts.
Barry: Guys! Oh, my God. You have to come with me right now.
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn... that we are not real! Booga booga booga.
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I... made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a ******* illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons. Oh! Wha...?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, schlubby Jewish actor named: Seth Rog-An.
Frank: Wait? I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named; Ed-ward Nor-ton.
Sammy: Ed-ward Nor-ton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
Gum: I have invented a Stargate device that will allow us to travel to their dimension.
Firewater: ****, yeah, he did. And it's dope. This guy's smart. I mean like, ****-a-guy smart. Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. We're gonna go to this other dimension... and cut the strings, once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walkthrough Gum's Stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
(The entire group proceeds to step into the portal, determined to confront their creators once and for all as the movie ends.)
(Joy to the World by Three Dog Night plays as the credits start to roll. Some background music plays after the song is done. One of the score pieces, which sounds like the song "The Great Beyond", plays as the Sony logo, the "BE MOVED" text, and the Columbia Pictures closing logo appear at the very end of the credits.)
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts