That one time Colms got hammered

"Well gentlemen, we've killed the bottle!" exclaimed Dr. Colms. "I've had half a glass." said Malfrous. "I haven't had any." Drago said in addition. "Alright don't judge me!" Colms cut them all off. He looked around sleepily then stared at Malfrous. "Hey Malfrous- hey Malfrous- hey Malfrous," it was obvious he wouldn't stop until Malfrous said 'what', "hey Malfrous, hey Malfrous-" he was finally cut off. "What's going on Colms?" Malfrous asked. 
"Nothing! Feel the burn dammit- feel it!" Drago shot a glance at Colms. "How drunk is he exactly?" he asked Malfrous. "Who knows." was the response. "This must be what putting tights on feels like if you have legs where your arms are." Colms said. "What the fuck does that even mean?" Malfrous spat. 
"It means- I have no arms! Mrrrph..." Colms put his head down on the table. "I used to be cool, you know?" he said. "I used to be young- and awesome. Now..." he sniffed. "Now I'm..." Drago shot a sorry glance. "Colms it's okay." Colms sniffed once more, "Now I'm... even more awesome!" he fell out of his chair. "Where'd the floor go?" 
"I don't want to listen to this anymore- I'm out." said Drago. He stood up and walked out of the room. "Sammy listen. It's just me and you- totally alone! 'Or are we?' you might asked yourself! No- no were not. Look its a freaky time bear!" Colms yelled. He stood up and rolled over the bar counter. "Wait- Cody come back!" it was too late, Colms was already gone. 
"So ladies- do you like men with huge muscles and handsome faces?" Colms leaned over the two woman who were on a double date with Hudson and Woods. "Uh... yeah?" the black haired one said cautiously. "Well... you must hate me. Wait- do you like games?" 
"Colms- you're crashing our date." said Woods. "Um- what type of games?" the second woman asked. "How about Tic Tac Toe?" The black haired one answered, "Oh- I thought you meant actual video games or sports. No, I don't like Tic Tac Toe-" she was cut off. "Great news!" Colms exclaimed. "Me first!" Hudson tilted his head. "Colms, what the fuck are you doing?" he asked. Colms whipped out a sharpie marker and started to draw a Tic Tac Toe board on the black haired girls face. "Oh my God, what the hell?" she quickly punched him. 
Fifteen minutes later Colms had made his way back to Malfrous. Sam was nodding his head to 'Dont Stop Believing' on the radio. Colms ran up and grabbed the radio. "If you want it- you have to get it!" he yelled. He then attempted to run towards the exit- but fell in the process- smashing the radio. "Oh my God..." he said, "I'm sorry radio! I didn't mean for this to happen! Oh God- I killed it! I killed the radio!" he shrieked. "Colms, what the even fuck? Let's just get you out of this bar." Colms stood up and walked towards Malfrous. He then punched Malfrous in the face, ran, and fell down again. 
Malfrous cracked his knuckles and walked towards Colms. "He looks stupid when he's angry." Colms said to himself.