Episode 216: Cleo Laine/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 216: Cleo Laine.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Cleo Laine? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Laine.
Cleo 	I'm ready. Oh, I hope the Muppets like me.
 	She is immediately ravaged by Animal.
 	
Animal 	Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!
Cleo 	(giggling) Hey! Hate me a little, will you?
Animal 	Love, love!
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	Statler and Waldorf hide behind the curtains of their box.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet flies off.
Gonzo 	Come back here!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, with us tonight is one of the truly great stars...
Fozzie 	Thank you! Thank you! You are too kind. Haha.
Kermit 	I am not kind, and you are not the star.
Fozzie 	(pulls him aside) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second?
Kermit 	What?
 	
Fozzie 	See, my mother is in the audience. (calls) Hi, Ma!
 	
 	Fozzie's mother waves from the audience.
Fozzie 	Watch me tonight! Haha!
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	I'm sorry.
Kermit 	Um, uh, in addition to our very, um, ahem… (Fozzie waves) … funny bear... uh, tonight's guest star is one of the truly great singers, Miss Cleo Laine.
Fozzie 	Cleo Laine!
Kermit 	But first... let's limbo!
Fozzie 	Let's limbo!
 	The curtain opens on an island setting. Calypso music plays as we pan over to some singing Muppets.
Muppets 	
Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.
 	They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick. Blue Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle	Piña colada!
Blue Frackle 	De pole! De pole! De pole! I go under de pole! Whooaaaa…
Muppets 	(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.
 	They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Green Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle	Stick! Stick! The stick!
Muppets 	(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.
 	They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Baskerville huddles under it.
Blue Frackle 	Dance, dance, dance!
Baskerville 	Low, low, low, low!
Blue Frackle 	Whoaaaa…
Muppets 	(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.
 	They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Kermit approaches it.
Green Frackle	Hey, the frog! The frog!
Muppets 	(cheering)
 	
 	Kermit scrunches himself under the limbo stick. Applause.
Statler 	Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.
 	Waldorf scrunches himself down.
Waldorf 	Did what? (chuckles)
Statler 	Never mind.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and the others make their way backstage.
Pig 	Whee!
Baskerville	Poochy ka-bow-wow! Can that frog limbo!
Fozzie 	Kermit! Kermit! Kermit? Where is that frog? Kermit?
Kermit 	I'm down here.
Fozzie 	Oh, Kermit. (places him on the table) Kermit — Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight and I wasn't even in the opening number?
Kermit 	I don't care.
Fozzie 	You don't care? Well, why not?
 	
Kermit 	Because I'm all scrunched up.
Fozzie 	(looks at him) You are scrunched up. Haaaa. Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother...
Kermit 	Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!
Fozzie 	Yes, sir, yes, sir.
 	Fozzie jacks Kermit back up to his normal height.
Fozzie 	Okay?
Kermit 	Oh, thank you.
Fozzie 	Okay, great. See, my mother came here tonight, Kermit...
Kermit 	Check. And so did Cleo Laine. I gotta go introduce her. (goes onstage)
Fozzie 	But Kermit, when is the bear on? That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?
=="It Don't Mean a Thing"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady with a truly remarkable voice...
Fozzie 	Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!
 	
 	Kermit looks up. Fozzie shoves him away.
Fozzie 	Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
Kermit 	Fozzie! (chases him)
 	The curtain opens on Cleo, backed up by the Electric Mayhem.
 	
Cleo 	(scatting)
It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing.
(scatting)
It don't mean a thing, all you got to do is sing.
(scatting)
No matter if it's sweet or hot — (Zoot solo)
Give that rhythm everything you've got! — (Animal solo)
It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing.
(scatting)
You know, it gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.
 	Applause.
Dr. Teeth 	Hey, thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records and put 'em in my teeth. It's called putting your money where your mouth is! Hahaha.
Cleo 	Check. And here we have the man on bass guitar, the hippest of the hip, Floyd Pepper!
 	Applause.
Floyd 	Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.
Cleo 	Right on. And then we have the weirdest man of the weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot!
Zoot 	Hey, it is written, a zebra and a geranium should never use the same toothbrush.
Cleo 	Cogently put, Zoot. And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janice.
Janice 	Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored to be here, rully.
Cleo 	Fer sure. And way up there on the drums, the ma... You know, I'd rather not introduce him.
Floyd 	Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo. We nailed his shoes to the bandstand.
 	
Cleo 	OK... Animal!
 	Animal drums wildly. Each of them does their own solo as Cleo scats.
Cleo & Muppets	It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that …
Cleo 	...swiiiiiing. (scatting)
Dr. Teeth 	Two, three, four.
Cleo 	(scatting)
Animal 	(growling) Two, three, four!
Cleo 	(scatting)
 	Big finish. Applause.
Janice 	Rully. Fer sure, fer sure.
 	Another shot of Fozzie's mother in the audience.
==Backstage==
Fozzie 	Okay, Kermit, now it must be time for me to go on, right?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in Space.
Fozzie 	What?!
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Fozzie 	Kermit, PLEASE let me at least be in Pigs in Space!
Kermit 	Uh, you... you can't.
Fozzie 	But why can't I be in Pigs in Space?
Kermit 	Because you're not a pig! (walks off)
Fozzie 	Well, nobody's perfect! (to himself) Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs in Space.
 	
Miss Piggy	Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in Space costume? (closes door)
Fozzie 	(looks up) Oh, thank you!
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Featuring the neandrathalic Captain Link Hogthrob... the over developed First Mate, Miss Piggy... and the tridecophobic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left our heroes last week, Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
Link Hogthrob 	Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(into intercom) All hogs on deck! All hogs on deck! Sooie! Pig, pig, pig!
 	Three pigs enter, but one of them is clearly Fozzie, who waves at the camera.
Link Hogthrob 	Ten-hut!
 	
 	They all stand at attention.
Link Hogthrob 	Men, this ship is a disgrace. Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We thought it was kind of homey, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Doctor, you're out of line. Now I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to, uh… from stem to... uh, to the back part.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	That's stern, captain.
Link Hogthrob 	You bet that's stern. I'm sick of sloppiness. (Fozzie waves) First Mate Piggy!
Fozzie 	Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Did you shave this morning?
Fozzie 	Uhh … no, mon capitain, I did not!
Link Hogthrob 	Well, see that it never happens again.
Fozzie 	(to camera) Uh, Ma, we're only acting. Don't worry. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob 	What?
Fozzie 	Nothing, just, you know...
Link Hogthrob 	Okay, well that goes for the rest of you men, too. Dismiss!
 	They all walk out.
Fozzie 	Dismiss!
Link Hogthrob 	Except for you, First Mate Piggy.
Fozzie 	Except for me! Yes, sir, oh, mon capitain! I, First Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to mon capitain, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Uh... you would?
Fozzie 	Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Well, uh... ahem. Let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.
Fozzie 	I'll try. (walks like Link)
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, First Mate Piggy?
Fozzie 	Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Stand next to me.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Look deep into my eyes.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob 	Give us a little kiss, pork chop.
Fozzie 	Yes. Holy — HAHA! No, sir!
 	An enamored Link chases after Fozzie.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, sweetheart. First Mate Piggy...
Fozzie 	Ma, it's not that kind of a show!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey lamb …
Fozzie 	Please! You're a pig, I'm a bear! Wait, please!
Announcer 	Tune in again next week for another confusing episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==Backstage==
 	Piggy approaches Kermit.
Miss Piggy 	Okay, where is Fozzie?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy 	How dare he steal my costume! I'll chop him into bear burger!
 	Link continues chasing Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Wait a minute! You— I think you got the wrong idea! A-WHOA! Ho! Wait!
Link Hogthrob	Come back here!
Fozzie 	You don't understand! Wait! See? Look, look, look! (removes the wig)
 	
Link Hogthrob	Wha — You're an imposter!
Fozzie 	Oh no! Oh, wait — (runs)
Link Hogthrob	Imposter! I'll get you for imposting a pig! Come back here!
 	Link runs past the stairs, where Fozzie pops up from hiding.
Fozzie 	Hahaha. (sees Piggy) Uh-oh.
Miss Piggy 	(chases him) There you are! How dare you steal my costume!
Kermit 	Hey, guys —
Miss Piggy 	Come back here! Yeah! Yeah, I'll get you!
Fozzie 	You don't understand! Please, Miss Piggy!
 	Link and Piggy finally corner Fozzie. They talk over each other.
Link Hogthrob	Okay! Now listen, you're a bear — how can you do —
Miss Piggy 	Get him, get him! Talk! I gotcha!
Kermit 	Now listen …
Fozzie 	Frog! The frog!
Link Hogthrob	The frog! It's all this frog's fault!
 	As the pigs start to hound Kermit, Fozzie makes his way to the stage.
Kermit 	Hey, come on, you guys. What are you doing? It's not my fault!
==Bruce Schwartz==
 	Main stage. Fozzie enters.
 	
Fozzie 	Haaaa. Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma. It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks. Haaaaa. Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes, sing a few songs...
Kermit 	Fozzie, will you get off the stage!
Fozzie 	That too, yes.
Kermit 	Uh, let's see now, where was I? Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom we have a guest puppeteer on this show. In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the show. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man, Mr. Bruce Schwartz!
 	
 	Guest puppeteer Bruce Schwartz performs a bunraku ballerina puppet.
Waldorf	Oh, that puppet looked so alive!
Statler	Well, that's more than I can say for you! (laughs)
==UK spot==
	200px
	Rowlf the Dog, Baskerville and Afghan Hound sing "Mad Dogs and Englishmen".
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Okay, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?
Kermit	Uh, no.
 	
Fozzie	But Kermit, my mother is in the audience! When do I go on?
Kermit	When do you go on? You've already been in all the introductions, Pigs in Space, and everything else. What do you want, star billing?
Fozzie	That would be nice.
Kermit	Will you get out of here!
Fozzie	(runs off) Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with two pots.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the pots and prepares to give a demonstration, when Cleo shows up.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	200px
Cleo 	Excuse me! You look like a very understanding person, and maybe you can solve my problem for me. You see…
I hear singing and there's no one there.
I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.
All day long I seem to walk on air.
I wonder why. I wonder why.
Can you tell me why?
 	The Chef sings the secondary part, as he makes a salad.
Cleo 	Let's get this together, shall we?
 	
 	The two sing their verses simultaneously as they finish making the salad. The Chef plays a frying pan as a ukulele as the song ends. Cleo tastes the salad and reacts in disgust, then hugs the Chef. Applause.
Waldorf 	Well, I just learned something about the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.
Statler 	What's that?
Waldorf 	Cooking is the second worst thing he does.
 	They chuckle.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Fozzie	(peeking from the curtain) Kermit, Kermit, please, now me, please?
Kermit	Yes, now!
Fozzie	Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit	Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to an overwhelming demand... from him, if not from the rest of us... here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience, I will do a special act. Phrenology!
Kermit	Phren-what?
Fozzie	And — and — and for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer. (grabs Kermit)
Kermit	Fozzie, what are you — what are you gonna do?
Fozzie	Trust me, it's for my mother. Okay! Okay, gang... phrenology. The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head.
 	
Fozzie	Okay. Now, here we go. Mm. Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person. Mm.
Kermit	Fozzie.
Fozzie	Yes, okay, okay, here we go. Uh … I can see in your future... (turns Kermit's head) Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck. — Oh, 'scuse me, yes, okay.
Kermit	You're gonna — you're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.
Fozzie	Please, please. Do it — do it for Mom.
Kermit	Yeah, sure. For Mother.
Fozzie	Okay, here we go! Bumps! You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps.
Kermit	Wonderful.
Fozzie	Gee, except your, uh... Your bumps for intelligence are very small.
Kermit	What?
Fozzie	Yeah. That — 's okay. I can fix that.
Kermit	You're gonna what?
 	Fozzie whacks Kermit on the head with a mallet.
Fozzie	You will notice —
Kermit	FOZZIE!! WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE!! (chases him away)
 	The curtain closes as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
=="If"==
 	Robin comes onstage and looks around.
 	
Robin	Hi. Uh, Uncle Kermit's kinda busy right now, so I don't think he'd mind if I tell you that here now, accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine. (sigh)
 	
 	Cleo sings the melancholic "If," while Bruce Schwartz accompanies her with another puppetry performance.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, I think we've come down to the end of it. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
 	Applause. The Muppets gather around Cleo.
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Cleo 	Oh, thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really.
Kermit 	Oh, thank you.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Cleo 	Hey Fozzie —
Fozzie 	Hmm?
Cleo 	— did your mum enjoy the show?
Fozzie 	Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her.
Kermit 	Oh, listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her?
 	
Fozzie 	Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
 	
Fozzie's mom	(snores)
Fozzie 	(facepalms) Oh! Ma, how could you? Oh!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The banter continues as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	Well, shall we call it a night?
Statler 	Might as well. Certainly wouldn't call it a show.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts