In the Beginning God Created Heaven, and Chicken Peter

In the Beginning God Created Heaven, and Chicken Peter is the first episode of Chicken Peter. The episode released on September 15, 2023, and was written by .
== Transcript ==
[Danville, Tri-State Area - midday. The Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. building looms menacingly over the cityscape.]
Jingle: 🎵Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!!!🎵
[Doofenshmirtz is on his rooftop meticulously putting the final finishing touches on his latest diabolical inator.]
Doofenshmirtz: 🎵The way you shake it. I can’t believe it. I ain’t ever seen a-
[The doorbell rings.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh goody! That must be the prostitute I hired!
[Doofenshmirtz answers the door to find a teal-colored platypus standing there.]
Doofenshmirtz: A platypus prostitute?
[The platypus puts a brown fedora on.]
Doofenshmirtz: PERRY THE PLATYPUS PROSTITUTE?!!!!!!!!
Perry the Platypus: (gay platypus noises)
Doofenshmirtz: You’re early, Perry the Platypus. The inator is barely finished. Welp, you might as well come in.
[Perry the Platypus steps into Doofenshmirtz’s apartment. The doormat folds up into a cage, trapping Perry.]
Doofenshmirtz: HA! You’re such a wanker sometimes, Perry the Platypus.
[Doofenshmirtz picks up Perry in his cage and carries him to the inator.]
Doofenshmirtz: You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to.
[Perry rolls his eyes.]
Doofenshmirtz: You see, Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmelshtump in the days of my youth, my mother and father never let me have a pet chicken.
[Flashback to Doofenshmirtz as a boy in Gimmelshtump, keeping guard as a lawn gnome outside his parents’ house.]
Young Doofenshmirtz: Dad, can we get a chicken?
Doofenshmirtz’s Dad: BEWEG DICH NICHT!
[Cut back to the present.]
Doofenshmirtz: But that all changes today… behold… THE CHICKEN-INATOR!!!!!!!!!! Soon everyone on planet Earth will be transformed into a pet chicken for me to cuddle and cherish forever! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Doofenshmirtz accidentally steps on a remote control button, releasing Perry from his cell.]
Doofenshmirtz: Whoops. Who put that ther-
[Perry the Platypus karate-chop kicks Doofenshmirtz, accidentally knocking him into… THE CHICKEN-INATOR!!!!!!!!!!. Suddenly, the machine starts spinning.]
Doofenshmirtz: Well that’s not good.
Perry the Platypus: (worried gay platypus noises)
[The machine starts randomly firing lasers everywhere.]
Doofenshmirtz: PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Perry the Platypus: (gay shrug)
[Meanwhile, in San Francisco…]
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[We see the living room of Johnny’s apartment. Johnny, Mark, Peter and Steven are sitting around talking.]
Mark: Yeah, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.
Johnny: You know, Steven, I’ve never actually seen you in the same The Room as Peter before.
Steven: I agree with that.
Peter: I’ve just been too busy being a psychologist to hang out with you, Steven.
Steven: Yeah, I’ve been very busy doing whatever my job is too.
Johnny: Hahaha! What job is that, Steven?
Steven: (Jeffy voice) I don’t even know.
Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey, are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?
Johnny: I am, sure.
Peter: I’m not doing it this year.
[A laser beam comes through the window, turning Peter into… CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!!!!!]
Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep-eeeeeeeeeeee!
Chicken Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s… too many weirdos there.
Mark: Um… (laughs)
Chicken Peter: What’s wrong? Why are you laughing?
Steven: You might wanna look in a mirror, Peter.
Chicken Peter: Well okay, but I don’t see what that has to do with anyth-
[Steven hands Chicken Peter a mirror from his purse. Chicken Peter looks into it.]
Chicken Peter: (started chicken noises) CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEE-EEE-EEE-EEEEEEEEEEE!
[Another laser beam comes through the window, transforming Steven into… CHICKEN STEVEN!!!!!!!!!!]
Chicken Steven: What’s going on here?!
Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Steven, you’re just a little chicken!
Chicken Steven: I don’t believe it.
[A third laser beam comes through the window, turning Mark into… CHICKEN MARK!!!!!!!!!!]
Johnny: Oh hi Chicken Mark.
Chicken Mark: Cheep cheep cheep cheep!
[Yet another laser beam comes through the window, turning Johnny into…]
Chicken Johnny: Hahaha! Chicken Johnny! I’m just a little chicken!
Chicken Steven: Are you really that unfazed that we all just turned into Chicken Peters?!
Chicken Johnny: Iugyfchguiydgfhjog I don’t mind.
Chicken Peter: Well, I for one do NOT like being a Chicken Peter.
Chicken Johnny: Awwww, come on, give it chance! You can be GREAT Chicken Peter!
Chicken Peter: I guess so… You guys want to play cards?
Chicken Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Chicken Lisa any minute.
Chicken Steven: Chicken Lisa? Fucking Chicken Lisa?! CHICKEN LISA?!!!! I can’t take this anymore! This is going to pull us all down. It’s going to shake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendship.
Chicken Mark: I actually agree with Chicken Steven. There has to be some explanation as to why we’re chickens now.
Chicken Peter: Maybe there’s something about it on TV.
Chicken Johnny: Good thinking!
Chicken Steven: I agree with that.
[Johnny turns on the TV to a news report from Mr. Goodman from SuperMarioLogan.]
Mr. Goodman: BREAKING NEWS, M’KAY! Approximately five minutes ago, mad scientist Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from the Tri-State Area set off a device that turned hundreds of people across the country into chickens! We go to Chicken Brooklyn Guy for more.
[Cut to Chicken Brooklyn Guy reporting from the Tri-State Area.]
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: (in tears) Oh, this is horrible!
Mr. Goodman: What’s wrong?
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: I FOUND THIS FUCKING ONION!
Mr. Goodman: Bruh.
Chicken Brooklyn Guy: Also I’m a Chicken Peter now. So there’s that. Uh… I’ve also got good news and bad news for anyone affected by Doofenshmirtz’s inator just now. The good news is, the laser beams appear to have stopped so you don’t have to worry about being turned into a chicken anymore. The bad news is, if you’ve already been turned into a chicken it doesn’t look like there’s an antidote yet. So all you can do really is cry about it.
[Cut back to Chicken Peter and friends.]
Chicken Steven: How can they do this?!
Chicken Mark: We’re just chickens now forever?
Chicken Johnny: Yuh.
Chicken Peter: But I’m not a chicken! Cheep cheep! I’m a psychologist!
Chicken Johnny: Well.. sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it. You told me that, Chicken Peter.
Chicken Peter: That wasn’t Chicken Peter! That was- cheep cheep! That was just regular Peter!
Chicken Steven: Chicken Peter… Regular Peter IS Chicken Peter now… we need to accept this.
Chicken Mark: Wait… I got it! All we need to do is find this Dolphinmeth guy, and ask him to change us back into humans!
Chicken Johnny: That’s an idea.
Chicken Peter: A good one too. 
Chicken Mark: We just need to find out where he lives.
Chicken Steven: 9297 Polly Parkway, Danville, Tri-State Area.
[The others turn to Chicken Steven in shock.]
Chicken Mark: H- h- how… how do you know that from the top of your head?
Chicken Steven: I’m autistic. Memorising addresses is a stim for me.
Chicken Johnny: (Scott the Woz voice) Sure.
Chicken Peter: Let’s go find Deefensquirts then!
[Cut to the four of them in Chicken Johnny’s car, driving to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.]
Chicken Johnny: 🎵The way you shake it.🎵
Chicken Steven: 🎵I don’t believe it.🎵
Chicken Mark: 🎵I ain’t ever seen an-🎵
Chicken Peter: 🎵-Ass. Like. That.🎵
Chicken Johnny: 🎵The way you move it.🎵
Chicken Mark: 🎵You make my peepee go-🎵
All: 🎵-DA-DOING-DOING-DOINGGGGGG.🎵
Chicken Johnny: Oh, we’re here. Hahaha!
[Chicken Johnny parks the car. The camera pans up the building. It is now night.]
Jingle: 🎵Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!!! …after hours…🎵
[Inside his apartment, Doofenshmirtz is on his couch with the prostitute.]
Doofenshmirtz: -and then Perry the Platypus destroyed the Chicken-inator and I was all like “CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!!!” and he flew off in his hovercraft. 
[Pause.]
Doofenshmirtz: You… you don’t think this is all… weird, do you?
Prostitute: Sweetie, I’ve been paid to have sex with Christine Weston Chandler. You are not my weirdest client by far.
Doofenshmirtz: Who’s Christine Weston Chandler?
Prostitute: DON’T LOOK THEM UP!!!!
[The doorbell rings.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh goody! That must be the other prostitute I hired!
Prostitute: Another one?!
Doofenshmirtz: I’m very lonely.
[Doofenshmirtz opens the door to find Chicken Peter again.]
Doofenshmirtz: Chicken prostitutes? 
Chicken Steven: How can you do this?! You DESTROYED us, we’re VERY SENSITIVE!
Doofenshmirtz: OH DEAR LOL, I MUST HAVE HIT YOU GUYS WITH INATOR! 
Chicken Peter: And we’re sad about it.
Doofenshmirtz: My bad, folks. I just wanted a pet chicken but, heh… things got out of hand.
Chicken Mark: Could you turn us back, please?!
Doofenshmirtz: Why would I wanna turn you all back? You look ADORABLE!
Chicken Peter: I don’t feel adorable.
Chicken Johnny: Well I- I feel pretty adorable. Like a pretty little princess, hahaha!
Chicken Peter: Okay, Doofenshmirtz, could you turn us all back except Chicken Johnny then?
Doofenshmirtz: Which one’s Chicken Johnny?
Chicken Mark: Chicken Johnny’s my best friend. 
Chicken Steven: He’s the one who kinda like a Transylvanian vampire.
Chicken Johnny: I not Transylvanian, I am from New Orleans.
Doofenshmirtz: Isn’t New Orleans the place that got attacked by a Big Shark?
Chicken Johnny: Yuh.
Doofenshmirtz: Sure, sure, I guess I could try and change you all back if you are really that bummed about it.
Chicken Mark: Oh thank Talking Ben!
Chicken Peter: Yeah, thanks so much dude! You know, for a moment, I thought I was gonna be a Chicken Peter for the rest of my li-
[Suddenly, sirens can be heard blaring in the distance.]
Chicken Peter: What’s that?
Chicken Johnny: Daniel Khalife must have escaped again. Hahaha!
[The police show up at Doofenshmirtz’s door.]
PC Plum: Heinz Doofenshmirtz?
Doofenshmirtz: That’s me.
PC Plum: You’re under arrest for turning the minority of the population into Chicken Peters.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on! 
[PC Plum puts Doofenshmirtz in handcuffs.]
Doofenshmirtz: Melissa, help me!
Prostitute: My name is Mary! Also I have to go. I’m also a police officer and Daniel Khalife escaped again.
PC Plum: I’ve never seen you down at the station.
Prostitute: I work for, um… another station. Anyway, thanks for the late night service!
[Mary runs off.]
Doofenshmirtz: Augh. Can’t you just let me off with a warning or something, officer? That’s what Perry the Platypus usually does.
PC Plum: The guy from OWCA? That place is run by nutjobs. 
Doofenshmirtz: But- 
PC Plum: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be poopfellowed against you in court.
Doofenshmirtz: CURSE YOU, CHICKEN PETER!!!!!!
[PC Plum drags Doofenshmirtz away.]
Chicken Peter: I didn’t even do anything!
Chicken Mark: (sighs) Well we almost got him to change us back.
Chicken Steven: I guess we’re gonna be Chicken Peters forever, huh?
Chicken Johnny: Hey, hey! Being a Chicken Peter isn’t that bad! We had a lot of fun together as Chicken Peters over the past couple days.
Chicken Peter: We’ve been Chicken Peters for four hours.
Chicken Johnny: Well, we sorta have this whole, fun odd Chicken Peter dynamic. Built-in conflict… Lots of potential for more adventures…
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: (sighs) Fuck it. Let’s be Chicken Peters.
Chicken Johnny: That’s the idea. Cheep cheep cheep cheep!
All: Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-eee-eeeeeee!
[The end.]
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