Lose Your Own Adventure

The nineteenth chapter of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, posted on December 12, 2015. Roz checks in with the 19 eliminated contestants at the loser lodge and gets their thoughts on who they're rooting for.
==Story==
“Hey, guys!” says Roz, standing outside of a large, fancy-looking wooden building. “Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, lots of fun and exciting things happened, and we got to do one of my all-time favorite challenges - the bridal one! Sooo fun. I love forcing people who really aren’t attracted to each other at all to kiss each other… well, except for Arthur and Julia, since there’s obvi a love connection there! Speaking of those two folks, they were the last team to arrive at the finish line, and in the new super twisted twist, that meant that they BOTH got eliminated! Sad, I guess, but they were also the final two last time. Gotta give the others some spotlight, y’know? Plus, half of the final four is made up of Tokyo peeps, which just makes me sooo happy. Tokyo represent! Anyway, you might notice that I’m not at the camps, and am at what looks like a rustic, but also really nice-looking, hotel. That’s because today, we’re checking in with the losers! Yep, I’ll be holding some exclusive interviews and seeing what they’re up to, so that’ll be super juicy! Aaaand, let’s start now!”
The camera zooms into the hotel, through various hallways, and into a mostly empty room where Ori is sitting on a bed, furiously scrolling through something on his laptop.
“Oh, hello,” he says, noticing the camera. “I have been here for a while, since I was the first contestant voted off. And obviously, that was infuriating, but I’ve gotten past it and am trying to make myself a better person now, by changing my many faults such as my volatile temper and fascination with Devin.”
There is a knock on the door, and sure enough, Darryl Gerard walks in with a large shopping bag. “Hi, son! I felt like you’d be getting lonely, so I came to drop off some frosted animal crackers and maybe chat for a minute or two! Y’know, a little family bonding?”
“DAD?!” shouts Ori. “This isn’t the time! I’m trying to get some stuff done, like eradicate every trace of my awful ‘gangsta’ phase from the Internet!”
“D’aww, son, but I’d love to bond with you…” Mr. Gerard says. He checks his watch. “Oh, just kiddin’! Whaddya know, I gotta go back home to practice my new ‘50s revival band! After all, they don’t call me ‘Doo-Wop Darryl’ for nothin’.”
“Oh god, I almost forgot that existed… Can we never talk about it again?” says Ori, slapping his head.
Ori is shown in the confessional. “Yes, my dad DID have a rock ‘n’ roll phase. And yes, it DID end when he was caught smuggling 88 pounds of a suspicious substance into Canada.”
“Alrighty then,” sighs Mr. Gerard. “Sorry about the interruptance, son. I guess I’ll be off, then. But don’t worry, even though you were the first contestant voted off and had a rather humiliating showing on live TV, I’ll still always love ya!”
“Yeah, all right, uh…” says Ori. “Love you too, dad. I guess. Thanks for the crackers, though!” Mr. Gerard closes the door on his way out, leaving Ori alone again. “Hmm… Oh GOD, why did I ever think it’d be a good idea to post a video of me rapping onto HeadNovel? Deleting that instantly.”
The camera then moves to a group of girls - MacKenzie, Veronica, Chrissy, Estrella, and Helga, as well as a sleeping Alex, who are all sitting on a long couch and not doing much of note, with most of them watching TV and Estrella and Helga reading.
“Hi, guys!” says Roz. “Any new, cool updates as to what you’ve been doing?”
“Not much, really,” says MacKenzie. “I’m not really sure why I was even on this season. I didn’t do much, and I figured I’d redeem myself, but of course I got stuck on a team of lunatics.”
“Relax, everyone’s a lunatic on this show,” says Estrella dryly. “Some are just better at hiding it than others.”
“Flora’s definitely not a lunatic, she’s the most normal one left,” says Veronica. “That’s why I’m rooting for her 100%! Plus, she keeps pissing off Chelsey, which is just hilarious to me.” Helga glances at Veronica, then goes back to reading.
“You know, I’m pretty at peace with my early exit,” says Chrissy, while whittling a piece of wood with a knife. “Well, even though it ended with me kissing Nic, which was likely one of the top five grossest things I’ve ever done. He’s repulsive.”
“Shhh, he might hear us!” says Veronica. “Then again, I… kinda feel the same way, haha…”
“Don’t you remember? He’s upstairs, ‘playing’ his accordion,” says Helga. A shrill, piercing noise resembling a dying cat emanates from upstairs. “Yeah, that’ll block out any sound.”
Veronica says in the confessional, “I am SO happy I came back to Total Drama! You know, I was just gonna go back home, go to college, and move on with my life and everything, but I was sooo glad I was able to destroy my reputation as a doormat and actually stand up for myself! Plus, Layla is in like Tahiti or something with Charles right now, so that’s another bullet dodged. Now, as long as I don’t have to see Nic, I’ll be golden!”
“Can we just discuss how ridiculously unbalanced the teams were this time?” Chrissy grunts. “All the… strong personalities were on the other side, and as much as I hate Arthur, I’d take him over schmucks like Trick any day.”
Alex suddenly wakes up. “Uh, yeah, man, Trick was a jerk. Glad he’s gone. Haven’t spoken to the guy once since he got here. He’s like Trey, only he’s actually hot.”
“Uh, I wouldn’t necessarily call him hot, unless you like Kent dolls,” says Helga while reading a book called Plastic Villages, but Alex is already asleep again.
“Heh. Helga prefers the more wilderness-y, rustic types, right?” chuckles Chrissy.
“Wow, good one,” says Helga. “But you’re not wrong. You think I’d kiss the guy if his head was shaped like a football or he spent every waking moment in a banana suit? The answer is no.”
“Hm, Helga, how did you feel about Wolfgang passionately making out with Flora last episode?” asks Estrella.
“Oh, stop kidding yourself. That was even less passionate than me in gym class,” says Helga. “But honestly, I didn’t really care.”
MacKenzie says in the confessional, “I thought it was cute…”
Chrissy says in the confessional, “Hanging out with the girls has been chill, especially as opposed to the testosterone squad that are Nic and those other weirdos. Oh, and if you want to know why I’m no longer wearing my sunglasses? Yeah, Fumblr isn’t my thing anymore. I got sick and tired of those lame people who just posted pictures of wrinkled fabric and got copious amounts of reblogs. I’m back to my old routine, and personally, I heavily prefer it.”
“Estrella, it seems you’re skating around your rendezvous with Julian,” Helga says. “I haven’t heard you talk about it in a while. Maybe ever. What gives?”
“Yeah, I dunno,” says Estrella. “It was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing, you know? But then again, you’d be surprised at how well wearing a beanie covers up that abhorrent afro. He’s not that bad… I guess.”
“Personally, I ship it, Estrella!” says Veronica excitedly. “You two would look cute together. You’ve got the whole pale goth look going, and then he’s tall, dark, and… uh, decent-looking.”
“Great, glad to see that our resident relationship guru approves,” says Estrella, extremely deadpan.
“I’m… gonna go back to carving,” says Chrissy, and she resumes whittling a graphic image out of her block of wood. “Good talk, guys.”
Roz is then shown walking through the hallway. She opens a door to a random room and sees Casey alone on a bed. “Uh… Wait, Casey, why are you still here?” says Roz.
“Silly Roz, I’ve been hanging out with Puck this whole time,” says Casey. “And, more importantly, I feel like being this close to the competition gives me a PERFECT pulse on what Chelsey is doing at all times. And I totally have to emulate that for myself, hahaha.”
“Well, uh, I can’t disagree with that,” says Roz. “Y’know, I’d normally have to call security on ya, but we were good pals back in Tokyo, so I’ll let it slide. Where is Puck, anyway?”
“Oh, he’s in the bathroom, apparently having severe gastrointestinal distress due to ‘going ham’ on that Mexican food we ordered last night,” scoffs Casey. “Like, come on. He thinks his BOWELS are more important than making out with ME? The guy’s got some messed-up priorities, but at least he’s still hot as a furnace.”
The sound of a door creaking open then becomes audible, and Puck staggers out of a nearby bathroom. “Howdy-hey, it’s Roz! Whoa, this is like a Tokyo reunion! Never have I seen anything so ‘chill!’” he says.
“Pucky, you seem strangely relaxed considering that horror you just went through in there,” says Casey concernedly. “Are you okay?”
“Uh, y-yeah, I’m fine,” he says, although his face looks whiter than usual. “Stuff like that builds character, y’know? Whoo, boy, am I glad I’m here. This place is so tight, AND I get to cheer on Wolfie from the sidelines!”
“Wait, you’re not at all salty about the fact that he voted you out?” Roz inquires.
“Nah, nah, you see, I’m a pretty calm and collected guy. True friends forgive and forget, and I’m willing to do that to Wolfie! Never has a guy been so concerned for me and my well-being,” Puck says. “Plus, he’s got a girlfriend now, which is super freezy cool! Never woulda thunk it.”
“You know who else has a girlfriend? You,” says Casey. “And that girlfriend’s lips are getting dry, and she reeeally needs some lovin’ right now, otherwise she’s going to have to go back to repeatedly watching that poorly-made ‘Chelsey’s Greatest Hits’ video on MyCircle that’s set to the tune of that one horrid synthpop song. And she really doesn’t want that.”
“Uh, aight,” says Puck. “Kinda jank that you’re willing to just break up Roz and my emotional, mature discussion filled with super intriguing stuff, but I’m not gonna question your motives.”
Roz begins to walk out the door, but Puck screams, “Wait, Roz! Check it out.” He points to a fish tank on the table next to the bed, which houses an irate-looking piranha. “This is Versace 2.0! He’s my new buddy! He’s SUPER friendly, too! I swear, if you feed him anything, he’ll just go wild!”
“Including human flesh. Yeah, I learned that one the hard way,” mutters Casey.
“Great,” says Roz flatly. “Alrighty, well, I better get out so I can see the other contestants and so you guys can get back to your canoodling. Bye!” She leaves the room.
“Okay, uh, where were we? Sorry for leaving for so long, Case, but it was so intense! It was like I was surfing on a brown tsunami!” says Puck.
“Ew, gross! Too much information, dude,” says Casey. Puck shrugs, and Casey stares at him for a second before the two begin passionately making out.
The scene then changes to a small gathering of contestants outside, sitting on lawn chairs and sipping on various beverages. Elena is seen sunbathing, while PJ is sitting silently, Kavren is playing with a bendy straw in his cup, and Trick is listening to music with an annoyed expression.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Straw,” says Kavren to the straw he is playing with. “Soon you’ll be reunited with your good buddy, Arthur. Yes, I miss the guy too. He may be big ‘n’ hefty, but he’s a great dude.”
“Ugh, Kavren, can you stop talking? I’m trying to get my beauty sleep,” says Elena.
Elena is shown in the confessional. “Am I angry that I got out so early and never got to showcase my superiority over Chelsey OR my perfect showmance with Trey? Yes and no. For one, I now get to munch on low-cal snacks while browsing all my favorite social media sites, which is really fun. But on the other hand, I have to spend time with these LOSERS. Ugh. They make Chelsey look like the epitome of popularity and style.” She pauses for a moment, then starts cackling loudly.
“You seem salty,” says Trick. “Just get over it. I got over it the second I realized that the people on my team had no idea what a good strategy to win this game was, instead focusing on how to be as annoying as possible.”
“Boy, am I glad I wasn’t on your team,” says Kavren. “I don’t think I coulda taken another season of your bloopnanigans.”
“MINE? What did I do except perform some rad skating moves and hang with Cammy?” says Trick. “While you and your banana suit made me want to vomit profusely.”
“Are you trying to roast me, d00d? It’s not working. I could roast you worse than Elena when she goes tanning in the summer,” says Kavren.
“Kavren, don’t even START with me. You don’t want the gloves to come off,” growls Elena, and PJ gives her a suspicious glance.
PJ says in the confessional, “...”
“Anyway, I’m totally cool with getting out early,” says Kavren. “Well, not TOTALLY cool, but overwhelmingly cool. It’s like a 75% coolness ratio. I already got to the end in Rev, what more could a dude ask for? Oh, yeah… a stable relationship.”
Roz suddenly pops out of the bushes. “Wait, what?! Kavren, you DON’T have a stable relationship? Tell me more!”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” says Elena. “Abbey dumped him because he was gross. Do you even have to ask?”
“Well, that’s a lolzy question…” says Kavren, beginning to sweat. “Yeah, Abbey and I did break up. She dumped me over text. Don’t worry, though, it was totes amicable. It was still… well, it still psychologically ruined me for like 2 weeks, but she’s in a better place now.”
“She died?” asks PJ quietly.
“Uh, no, she’s in college,” says Kavren.
“Aww, that really makes me feel for ya,” says Roz. “I mean, I’d feel more for ya if I had real emotions, but… You catch my drift. Wait, speaking of psychologically ruining teen boys, what’s Tolky up to? Is he even alive?”
“Yeah, he’s been in his room ever since he got here, pretty much,” says Kavren. “I keep asking the guy if he wants to come out and LARP with me, or look at crude pictures on the Internet, or anything. But he’s never willing to do it. The guy is pretty frunked up. Sometimes I hear faint sobbing through the walls.”
“That’s… uh, worrying,” says Roz. “I’m gonna go check on him. See you guys later! Try not to brutally maim each other or anything. Believe me, I SAW how fierce your conversation was getting. Bai!”
Tolkien is then seen alone in one of the hotel rooms, lying on his bed silently while shuffling his Luncheons & Laggins cards and listening to faint music that sounds like a gentle British man bleating.
He faces the camera, and starts to talk. “You know, I’ve had a weird time here. First of all, I was third out, and I totally thought Roz liked me after Tokyo was over, because why would she not? She even told me that she did, right to my face and everything. But then she just ignored me and I just acted super awkward and everything, and screwed it all up. Then right after I got out, I saw that she had a BOYFRIEND? That whole time? Wait, what? Man, I just don’t even know anymore. You know it’s getting desperate when I downloaded Timber a week ago. Aw, man.”
A muffled voice behind the camera is heard speaking. “Can we move this to the confessional? I’m getting tired of your voice.” Tolkien then blushes.
Shortly after, the camera cuts to Tolkien in the confessional. “Yeah, so I downloaded Timber… I’ve been getting a few matches, and some of the girls seem really cool, but I bet they don’t know how nerdy I am, and I bet none of them are nerdy themselves. I mean, do you think any of them have even HEARD of the Black Mage? Probably not. But that one with the curly blonde hair, oh man, she was so cute… What am I saying? We didn’t even match.”
Roz carefully opens the door, then walks in. “Uh, Tolky? Hey. Just wanted to check on ya.”
“Oh hey, Roz,” he says. “Long time… no see, am I right? Heh-heh. How are you doing? Making out with any more dudes?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” says Roz. “Okay, man, I have a few things to explain. Mind listening? I promise, it hopefully won’t make me look like Satan or anything.”
“You know, what do I have to lose at this point?” says Tolkien gloomily.
“All right. Thanks, man,” says Roz. “So here’s the thing. You and I… I just don’t think we’re compatible relationship-wise, y’know? You seem to be the type to fall super hard super fast for a bunch of different girls, and meanwhile I’m more of a heat-of-the-moment type of gal. That explains why I was with Red, remember him? He’s a horrible human being, and also REALLY bad at driving to Mickey D’s, but we met one night at a club and things escalated… very quickly. I don’t really like to pin myself down to one exclusive relationship, do you get that? I’m more of a free spirit.”
“Wait, so you’re saying you want something casual with me then? Because I wouldn’t mi--” begins Tolkien.
“Well…” says Roz, awkwardly pausing. “We can still be friends? Yeah, platonic friends.”
“...Oh, okay,” says Tolkien dejectedly. “I guess that’s fine, and stuff.”
“You know, Ari is still really into you!” says Roz. “I promise. She and I are still super good buddies. We text all the time, and she was kinda bummed that you were so into me this season. Maybe give the chick another chance or something? That’d be rad.”
“Whoa, seriously? That’s awesome! I’ll play it by ear and see how things go,” says Tolkien. “Thanks, Roz, really. I… I hope you have a good rest of your day, then.”
“No problem, dude! Always happy to help a buddy out,” says Roz. “Or, y’know, you could go for Trick instead!” She guffaws loudly, then closes the door.
“Well, that was… an experience,” says Tolkien to himself. “I’m gonna go check out what Kavren’s doing. The dude has to be lonely, and Kavren being lonely is… never a good thing. He usually ends up doing something illegal to cure his boredom.”
He walks out of the room, and to his surprise, Kavren is standing right outside the door. “What?!” Tolkien says, jumping back in horror. “Were you eavesdropping?”
“...Maybe,” says Kavren coyly, trying to hold in his laughter but failing and eventually laughing in Tolkien’s face.
“Whatever,” says Tolkien. “Wanna go eat some of those leftover burritos downstairs? Then we can go back to my room and play Clash of Legends.”
“Whoooa, you’re finally being enthusiastic!” says Kavren. “Didn’t you see what happened to Puck? Those ‘rritos are bad news, but I’m down for a little excitement. Let’s do it.” The two boys fist-bump, then walk downstairs.
In another room, Nic, Devin, and Gary are seen, all hanging out together and looking at Gary’s laptop.
“Gary, you have been showing us rare Pepes for the past three hours,” says Nic, who has his accordion strapped around his chest. “Can’t you let me be free? I must go back to my accordion practice.”
“Yo, dawg, you so trash at the ‘ccordion, you busted mah eardrums open,” says Devin. “We’d be bettah off listenin’ to m’ new mixtape. Though it’d prob burn down th’ whole place, and I wouldn’t want that, G.”
“Aw, come on,” says Gary. “We’re only 321 in, and there are 1,252 in total! Or should I just take a hiatus and we can come back to it tomorrow?”
“Or nevah?” says Devin. “Yo, Gary, let’s just work on that track I was writin’ called ‘Me N My Boiz.’ It can feature guest vocals from y’ guys, if y’ want.”
“I am not a rap connoisseur,” says Nic. “I much prefer flamenco music myself, though I am sure you knew that. Anyway, I am going to go to the bathroom, where the atmosphere is much better than this room.”
Nic walks into the bathroom, and gives a confessional. “I cannot believe that THREE WOMEN kissed me this season. Count that. Three! Oh, and… well, one man. Thank you for that, Alex. But I’m almost at Al’s level, man! I could not have done it without some divine intervention. Plus, thinking about my recent luck in my romantic exploits has weakened the pain of that rat Trey still being alive in the competition. Hopefully his freakout at the beautiful Chelsey will expose his true colors, heh-heh.”
“What’s up with him, man?” says Gary. “He was totally cool in-game. Maybe once Arthur gets here, that’ll lighten the mood.”
“Y’know, G, he only cares ‘bout the ladies,” Devin says. “An’ while I do like a good Sheila m’self, it be all he thinks ‘bout. We just nerds to him, yo.”
“Nerds? I wear that title like a badge of honor, so the joke’s on him!” says Gary. “But see, maybe it’s because we were just bit characters this season. You were out like fourth, and my debut was almost entirely pointless, man. It stinks.”
“Y’know, it ain’t wise to jus’ keep runnin’ through the season with your woes. Y’ gotta learn to forget these things, it makes y’ grow as a person, homie,” says Devin.
“Thanks for the advice, dude! Never knew you could be that philosophical,” says Gary.
“Yeah, bruh, m’ advice-givin’ skills are on fleek,” says Devin.
“Good to hear,” says Gary. “All right, where were we with the Pepes? Number 321? Okay, what’s nex-- OH GOD I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE THAT! Okay, moving on! You know, let’s just listen to your mixtape, I guess.”
“That’s th’ spirit,” says Devin. He presses a button on his phone, and an absolutely horrible beat with Devin’s voice rapping in the background starts blaring. Gary’s face gradually turns to an expression of pure horror once he realizes what he has done.
Roz is then shown in what looks like the kitchen, staring at a laptop. “Okay, she should be on any minute…” she mutters to herself.
Seconds later, Layla’s face pops up on a video chat feature on the screen. She seems to be wearing sunglasses and a bikini, and looks to be in a tropical area. A shirtless Charles, wearing swimming trunks, can be seen fumbling around in the background.
“Like, hey!” says Layla. “Thanks for calling me and everything. Living in the lap of luxury here in Tahiti sure does boring when nobody except Charles talks to me. Oh, wait, it doesn’t, haha. But still, how’s it going?”
“It’s goin’, that’s for sure!” says Roz. “So, you’re in Tahiti now? Uh, how’d you manage that?”
“Simple, really. A combination of my Tokyo money, which is of course now Charles’s, daddy’s bucks, and my general awesomeness,” says Layla. “Sadly, it’s only a vacation, and they’re making me come back for that dumb finale thing. But I am just LOVING life right now!”
“Awwww, I’m glad!” says Roz. “We finalists built a pretty strong bond, am I right? Good to see you’re at least enjoying yourself.”
“Ha, yeah, of course I’m enjoying myself, why wouldn’t I be?” says Layla. “Also, I really haven’t been paying attention to the season now that I’m gone. It’s not like I have better things to do, it’s just… wait, I actually do have better things to do. Whoops. Don’t tell me Chelsey is still in, ugh, is she?”
“She… actually is,” says Roz. “But now that she’s got the curse of your disapproval, she’ll be out next! Hahahahahaha! I’m just kidding, obv.”
“You better not be kidding,” scoffs Layla. “I can take executive measures to ensure she’s gone next. But you know, my life is also really great right now, and I don’t want anyone to come after me. Maybe I’ll chill here for a while, then. Sound good, Charles?”
“Wha?” says Charles off-screen. He then stumbles to the camera. “Salutations, Roz! I am enjoying myself here as well. The beach is very beautiful, as are the women. Oh, Layla, the one who was massaging me last night… She’s a vixen, that one.”
“Oh my god Charles, you can’t just say that kind of stuff on air,” says Layla.
Charles shakes his head and waggles a finger. “Do not fret, Layla, for we have not yet engaged in coitus. It was just a deep, meaningful conversation.”
“Ha! That’s the Charlie I know and love!” says Roz. “Did you enjoy making an appearance on the show, man?”
“Of course I did,” says Charles. “It was nice to dispense my usual wisdom and meet some of Layla’s new acquaintances. A very pleasant experience, all in all, even if that Gail woman had some problems…”
“Oh ew, she was the worst. I mean,” begins Layla, before an off-screen timer beeps and she glances to the side in shock. “Oh no, I’m going to be late for my manicure. This is NOT good, I paid big bucks for this appointment and my nails are totally getting dry. Okay, it was great to see you, Roz -- er, or talk to you! Bye!” She sprints away, leaving Charles alone in front of the camera.
“Now, I should probably shut this off, right?” inquires Charles. “Unless, of course, you wish to discuss the finer techniques of grilling halibut. I have taken up a ‘chef’ role as of late.”
“Yeeeeaaah, you know, I’d love to, but I have places to go, people to interview,” says Roz. “Pleasure seeing you though!”
Charles waves goodbye, and Roz turns off the computer. “What a guy,” she mutters happily to herself.
The camera quickly flashes to Helga, who is walking through the hallway with a book in her hand, naturally. She approaches the bathroom, and right as she is about to walk in, she is interrupted by Puck jumping at her out of nowhere. “Howdy hey!” he exclaims.
“Oh, great,” says Helga, rolling her eyes. “What do you want now?”
“Hey, Helga!” says Puck enthusiastically. “I’ve been schtupping with Casey for like an hour, but that makes my joints kinda tired! Gotta get out and walk around, get the blood pumpin’ a little, you know? I wanted to have a convo with you about Wolfie, too!”
“Well, all right,” says Helga. “But don’t expect me to divulge too much information. All you need to know is that Wolfgang and I are definitely still a thing. Or at least, I really hope we are and it wasn’t just a one-time thing.”
“Hey, don’t worry! I thought Case and I would just be a one-time thing because she still liked that Thomas guy, but now we have a super healthy relationship,” says Puck.
“Healthy? I probably wouldn’t use that specific word, but if you insist,” says Helga. “Anyway, is your cranium still thick enough where you don’t think Wolfgang has any issues with you?”
“Oh, I know the guy has issues with me,” says Puck. “After all, he DID throw Versace into the road… Aw man, I still haven’t gotten over that! So many tears. But you know, I have no room for negativity in my life, and I know he’ll like me someday. People aren’t that one-dimensional, dawg.”
“I have a sneaking suspicion that…” says Helga. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll let you believe that, actually. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.”
Puck pauses for a second, takes out his phone, presses some buttons, then puts it back in his pocket, all while Helga stands next to him awkwardly. “Soooo, how was the kiss?” he blurts out.
“What?! How do you--” begins Helga, before coming to the epiphany that she is competing on a television show broadcasted to the general public. “It was all right. A pretty pleasant experience, really. Better than most of the dreck that I experience on this show.”
“Aw, that warms my heart,” says Puck. “Hey, maybe after the show, if you and Wolfie become… you know, serious, you two can go on a double date with Casey and I to a fancy-schmancy restaurant like Burrito King!”
“Wow, I’d love that,” says Helga flatly. “Okay, I have to go to the bathroom. Thanks for that, er, conversation. I hope you don’t have a completely terrible day.” She walks into the bathroom, leaving Puck by himself in the hallway.
Helga says in the confessional, “Does being romantically involved with Wolfgang mean I’d have to suffer through interacting with Puck every day? If so, that’s a strike against him. But seriously, as nauseating as this sounds, the guy is all I think about. Well, maybe 75% of what I think about. Point is, I seriously didn’t ever think this would happen. I figured I’d have more of a chance with the fictional protagonist of the book I’m reading than with any real, living human being. But it’s nice, I mean, I’m not complaining.”
Puck says in the confessional, “Wow, Helga’s a super nice girl! Perfect for Wolfie. Of course, I doubt she’s capable of having the deep conversations that Casey and I have about our favorite types of cole slaw and why Chelsey is apparently the most inspiring human being alive, but y’know, everyone has their flaws.”
Roz is then shown in the lobby with all of the eliminated contestants, minus Arthur, Julia, and Layla, and plus Casey, sitting around her. Alex is still sound asleep, and Puck has Versace 2.0’s fish bowl carefully resting in his lap.
“Hey, so I got some ‘advice’ from the producers and they said we should actually have some structure to this episode, so guess what we’re gonna do?!” asks Roz faux-enthusiastically.
“Sleep?” says Alex, waking up for a split second.
“Well, you do you, man,” says Roz. “But nope! We’re going to hold an open forum about the four remaining contestants left in the game and who you guys are rooting for to take home the two million!”
“Is ‘none of them’ a possible answer? Because, like, that’s my answer,” says Elena. “They’re all trash. I should know. Hey, can one of the interns get me a margarita? I’m tharsty.”
“How could you SAY that?!” says Casey angrily. “Wait, just kidding. Your extreme hatred of Chelsey most likely comes from the fact that you’re jealous of her much prettier hair.”
“Girl, I don’t think you should be saying anything about pretty hair, considering your gross mane looks like a cat vomited up a giant orange hairball,” says Elena.
Roz clears her throat loudly. “Guys, we can leave the roasts for later. Right now I’m really fixin’ for some discussion. Okay, who should we start with first? Trey? Yeah, let’s do that.”
After a few seconds of silence, Nic breaks it up by laughing loudly and obnoxiously. “Oh, I am sorry,” he says. “I am just thinking about how pathetic that man is. Wouldn’t it just be hilarious if he won?”
“Yeah, I have to agree with Nic here,” says Chrissy. “Trey’s pretty lame. Does anyone really believe his tall tales anymore?”
“You agree with me? YES!” says Nic. “Okay, where should we have our honeymoon? Personally, I would enjoy riding bulls into the Pamplona sunset… Wait, why am I thinking out loud?”
“I don’t believe his tall tales,” says PJ quietly. “And trust me, I know these things.”
“Hey, if PJ even believes it, then that’s just even more confirmation that Trey is a nutcase,” says Gary.
“Oooh, I am in agreeance,” says Kavren. “He’s, like, the second lamest guy in this cast, after Trick.”
“HEY!” yells Trick in offense. “I’m right here!”
Estrella then decides to speak up, after lurking in the corner for most of the conversation. “It’s pointless to try and compare the two. That’s like deciding what you’d rather have, gonorrhea or the bubonic plague.”
“Estrella, come on, I thought we were… at least friendly or something,” says Trick. “Aren’t you best friends with Cammy?”
“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean I come with automatic approval of whichever guy she’s fooling around with,” says Estrella. “Sorry, man.”
“Okay, well, obviously my presence is not appreciated here, so I’m going to go take a shower,” says Trick, before stomping off-screen in a huff.
“Wow, can someone say immature?” mutters Ori.
After a pause, MacKenzie shockingly interjects into the conversation. “Who all is in support of Flora? I know I am! I really want her to take home the cash. She’s the most deserving.”
“Yeah, Flora is the greatest,” says Veronica. “I was super skeptical at first, but wow, out of the Chicks Against Boringness, she may have even beaten me in terms of most character development. Props to her.”
“Oh, Veronica, she may have beaten you in that, but from my perspective, you are just a tad bit better as a kisser,” says Nic.
“Uhh…” says Veronica, seemingly at a loss for words. “Thanks, Nic.”
“Yo, I had no thots fo’ Flora at th’ beginning, but she really be impressin’ me wit’ her challenges an’ such,” says Devin. “Props.”
“Urghhh, that girl just grinds my gears SO much!” says Casey.
“Wait, I thought you had no issues with Flora? She’s super chill, man,” says Puck. “Brrrr.”
“Oh, of COURSE I have issues with Flora. Have you seen the past few episodes? Chelsey and her have been going at it SO hard, and I am obviously hashtag Team Chelsey,” says Casey. “I’m disappointed in you, Corny.”
“Aw, man, what gives? I’ve barely been paying attention to any non-Wolfie scenes,” says Puck. “He’s all I gotta pay attention to.”
“That’s a good point, actually!” says Gary. “To me, it’s between Wolfgang and Flora for who has the winner’s edit. Wolfgang started out rough, but has been gradually becoming nicer, while Flora started out super under-the-radar but has now broken out and is turning into a fan fave. Of course, Flora could also be the robbed fourth placer. It’s hard to tell.”
“What about Chelsey? She could literally stand to the side, not say anything, and just exist, and she’d still have the winner’s edit in MY heart,” says Casey.
“Oh, Chelsey is the late-game villainess, obviously,” says Gary. “Though those have won before! Just look at Layla. Sometimes, my analysis fails, since we’ve got some pretty weird seasons! Either way, though, Trey has no chance, it’s written in the edit.”
“Now that’s what I like to hear!” says a booming, familiar voice. The contestants look to the doorway, and sure enough, a newly arrived Arthur and Julia are standing there.
“Welp, we’re here,” says Julia. “I really hope we didn’t miss the entire episode. But if we did, it’s this guy’s fault, he made us stop at Mickey D’s. Ugh.”
“Hey, look who it is!” says Chrissy. “Glad to see you back. And before you ask, Arthur, I’m definitely not talking about you.”
“Rats,” says Arthur. “Ah, well. I am pleased with how I performed in this season. It was a very enjoyable time, filled with action, romance, drama, and general shenanigans.”
“Hey, look who it is!” says Kavren loudly. “Glad to see you back. And before you ask, Julia, I’m definitely not talking about you. HAHAHAHAHA!”
“The King of Komedy, everyone,” says Helga.
“Okay, guys, we’re running low on time,” says Roz frantically. “We gotta discuss Wolfgang and Chelsey rapid-fire! Though, thanks to… certain contestants, it’s not like we haven’t already significantly discussed them enough.”
“Oh, sorry, Roz,” says Tolkien. “Personally, I’m kinda impressed with Wolfgang. I thought he was just a giant dick, but sometimes he reminds me of me, or a much more outwardly aggressive version of me. And I really like that.”
“Heh, Tolkien, that’s what I like to hear! Oh, Wolfie. What a guy,” says Puck.
“But you’re still going to wear the ‘Team Chelsey’ shirt that I made for you custom to fit your squat, penguin-shaped body, RIGHT?” says Casey. Puck nods frantically, and Casey kisses him on the cheek.
“Mm, yes, Wolfgang and I bonded very well,” says Nic. “I will never forget our guy time in that cave. Oh, memories. But Chelsey is also quite attractive, and a great villainess! She would make Heather proud. So, it is a tough decision. Maybe I’ll just root for Flora.”
“Awesome! We need more members in the Flora fan club,” says Veronica, and Nic winks at her.
“Personally, I don’t really like anyone left,” says Julia. “Not that that’s surprising, but just… disappointing. I would’ve preferred to see one of my girls take home the million.”
“You know, I would’ve too,” says Chrissy. “Kind of infuriating, isn’t it? Ah, well. I’ve taken up pilates to release my stress. Julia, you should come work out with me one of these days.”
“Oh yes! Pilates! A perfect way to get nice and sweaty!” says Arthur, and Julia stares at him.
“...Well, I feel like that’s a perfect time to end the episode!” blurts out Roz. “Did you enjoy seeing these has-beens chat it up for a while?” After she says this, some annoyed grumbling is heard from the peanut gallery. “Either way, be sure to tune in next time for a super exciting final four challenge, right here on Total… Drama… Superstar Showdown!”