The Final Debate Episode

The Final Debate Episode is the twelfth episode of season three, and the twenty-seventh episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 30, 2020.
== Plot ==
The presidential candidates face off for the last time before Election Day in the final debate.
== Transcript ==
Mr. Chillyrooster: Welcome one and all to the final debate episode. 
[The wall behind the camera crumbles.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Oh for God's sake! We're less than thirty seconds into the episode and the fourth wall's already gone.
[Mr. Pepperchicken enters the room.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: What’s up, Jew? Get out of my seat, I have to moderate this debate.
Mr. Chillyrooster: What?! You’re not the moderator, you’re a candidate!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I can be both!
Mr. Chillyrooster: No you can’t!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Yes I can!
Mr. Chillyrooster: No you can’t!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Yes I can!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Yes you can!
Mr. Pepperchicken: No I—HEY! Trying to fool me with your typical Jewish trickery, I see.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Be quiet! And for the last time, you’re a Jew! Accept it!
Mr. Pepperchicken: FALSE! FALSE! FALSE!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Enough talk! SECURITY!
[Security escorts Mr. Pepperchicken from the moderator’s desk to his podium on the stage.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Finally, we can begin. Good evening Bikini Bottom, I’m Thomas Chillyrooster, and I’ll be hosting the final presidential debate for this fucked up election, here at Fancyson University. The questions asked here will be totally unbiased.
Mr. Fancyson: [shouts out from the audience] Indeed.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now, please clap for the candidates, starting with President Donald Trump!
[Silence as Mr. Trump walks towards his podium.]
Mr. Trump: What’s up, losers? You thought I got destroyed by the Plague hoax? Well—[takes off his suit, revealing a tight Superman shirt, with his nipples clearly visible]—THINK AGAIN!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Paul Renaud!
[Silence as Mr. Renaud walks towards his podium.]
Mr. Renaud: Abolition, NOT reform! End taxation! End lockdowns! And most importantly, end the ban on child pornography!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Jim R’Onion!
[Silence as Mr. R’Onion walks towards his podium.]
Mr. R’Onion: For the final time, I shall state my case on why we must stop the tree genocide, before they, under my command, break free from their roots and lauch a violent insurrection!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Joe Biden!
[Silence as Mr. Biden walks towards his podium.]
Mr. Biden: Jack, we have to restore the soul of uh...c’mon Joe...uh...the Soviet Union!
Mr. Pineapple: [shouts out from the audience] Now you’re talking!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now, let’s head to the first topic—
Mr. Peppermint: Hey! Where’s my introduction?!
Mr. Chillyrooster: You came here early because you were trying to be the moderator...
Mr. Peppermint: Yeah, so what?
Mr. Chillyrooster: You’re a candidate, it’s a conflict of interest! Ugh, we’re not doing this again!
Mr. Peppermint: Who cares about this “conflict of interest”?! You being the moderator is so unfair!
Mr. Sullivan: [shouts out from the audience] Stop projecting!
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] How about you stop projecting, perp scarecrow?
Mr. Pineapple: [shouts out from the audience] Now who are you calling a “perp scarecrow”?
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] YOU!
Mr. Chillyrooster: ENOUGH TALK! Let’s get this debate over with already. Keep calm, Bikini Bottom, it’s the last one.
Mr. Biden: Wait, this is the last one? OH, THANK GOD! Thank God this campaign is nearly over! Soon I’ll be able to embrace the sweet, sweet release of death. 
Mr. Trump: Don’t get your hopes up, Joe. Once I caught The Plague, I too was hoping I’d end up on the death bed. But instead, I made it out alive. SAD!
Mr. R’Onion: It is indeed sad that while war criminals like you survive, so many innocent trees die each year. 
Mr. Peppermint: Nevermind that! Even sadder is all the homosexuals that survive each year! 
Mr. Renaud: But saddest of all, is all the innocent MAPs that get locked up due to the tough-on-crime policies of these two men [gestures toward Mr. Trump and Mr. Biden] right here. While they fuck children all day long, they lock up the common man for doing the exact same thing! It’s one rule for them, another for everyone else.
Mr. Chillyrooster: We’ll have a chance to discuss all that later. But for now, let’s head to the first topic, foriegn policy. Mr. Trump, you have promised in 2016 that you would end the wars, however it has been almost 4 years and the wars are still ongoing.
Mr. Trump: Once again, another biased liberal moderator. Obama promised he would end the wars in 2008, but he never fulfilled that! Why don’t you ask him about it?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Once again, you have promised that, and many undecided voters feel so strongly about the wars that they would vote for you if you ended them. How about you fulfill that promise?
Mr. Trump: Nope.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Will you end the wars, Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: Sure.
[Fast forward to the final presidential debate for the 2024 election.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Will you end the wars, Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: Sure—[coughs out his skull, then dies]
[Fast forward to the final presidential debate for the 2028 election.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Will you end the wars, Mrs. Harris?
Mrs. Harris: Sure.
[Fast forward to the final presidential debate for the 2032 election.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Will you end the wars, Mr. Fancyson?
Mr. Fancyson: Sure.
[Fast forward to the final presidential debate for the 2036 election.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Will you end the wars, Mr. G?
Mr. G: Now who are you kidding?
[Back to the present day.]
Mr. R’Onion: Can we trust Mr. Biden? He won’t end the wars!
Mr. Chillyrooster: How can we be sure that you’ll end the wars?
Mr. R’Onion: Now when did I say anything about ending the wars? Instead of attacking the Middle East, we should attack ourselves for our crimes against trees!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, what’s your take?
Mr. Renaud: As President, I’ll bring our troops out of the Middle East and instead use them to launch a war of child pornography!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Huh? I thought you said you would end the ban on child pornography, I’m surprised you would launch a war on it.
Mr. Renaud: I said war of, not war on, you idiot! When I’m in charge, I will use our troops to squash my competitors in the industry, and I’ll have all the kiddies!
Mr. Biden: No, I will!
Mr. Trump: No, I will! And I already am in charge!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on to the next topic, immigration. Mr. Biden, you said that you will massively revamp immigration policy as a whole, even though you failed to do so as a part of the Obama administration. Two questions, who would you encourage to come here, and what is your plan for undocumented immigrants?
Mr. Biden: Let’s set things straight...uh…[falls asleep]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Biden?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I support Joe’s immigration plan! Everyone coming in must be straight, as well as Russian!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Trump, your immigration policy has been widely condemned. Hundreds of children can’t find their parents due to actions directed by your administration. Care to respond?
Mr. Trump: Okay, great!—
Mr. R’Onion: Did you just say “Okay, great!” as a response to hundreds of children being unable to find their parents, sicko?
Mr. Trump: Well, I said that because I was willing to respond to Chillycock’s question, but yeah, that’s great. It’ll teach those losers to all just wait in line...the legal way!
Mr. Chillyrooster: MY NAME IS NOT CHILLYCOCK!
Mr. Trump: Whatever you say, Chillycock. 
Mr. R’Onion: How can they “all just wait in line” under you, who wants to drastically reduce legal immigration?
Mr. Trump: Oh, so you want illegals to take over?!
Mr. R’Onion: We’re all illegal, Mr. Trump, as we live on land stolen from the trees!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Don’t you mean stolen from the Native Bikini Bottomites?
Mr. R’Onion: No, they stole it from the trees before we stole it from them.
Mr. Trump: What do you want to do then, tree-hugger, if everyone is equally illegal? [raises his hands sarcastically] I guess we should abolish all borders!
Mr. R’Onion: Yes.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Excuse me?! I will NOT be replaced by homosexuals and non-Russians!
Mr. Trump: These radical left policies will be a blessing to coyote fish traffickers! Many fish give themselves to the coyotes under the impression that they will bring them here, but they only enslave them!
Mr. R’Onion: Blessing to coyote fish traffickers? My plan would run them out of business since they heavily rely on the difficulty to come here!
Mr. Renaud: You two talk about a “blessing to coyote fish traffickers” like it’s a bad thing! Get the government out of the slavery industry! Repeal the 13th!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Huh?! Mr. Renaud, I thought you were a Libertarian! You can’t support slavery!
Mr. Renaud: Why not, if all the slaves are private property? The government should not take away any private property!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Slaves are people!
Mr. Renaud: But they’re ultimately private property, and thus I have every right to buy, sell, and fuck them! Personally, I prefer child slaves. My good friend Elon says they can never fail to satisfy you!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on to the next topic, criminal justice reform. First question, do you support the death penalty for those that sell marijuana and cocaine?
Mr. Biden: Absolutely, Jack! Why’d you ask me that, you know me, I wrote the crime bill, after all!
Mr. Trump: Wrong. You’re a radical communist, and to my fabulous boaters—I mean, voters—if you believe that folks should be executed for smoking marijuana, vote for me, and only me!
Mr. R'Onion: Who do you think you are, Mr. Trump? I’m the only one who has made plant rights the central point of my campaign, and anyone who exploits substances that derive from plants will certainly be executed under my regime!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’m tired of the competition of other drugs, the only legal drug should be vodka! So execute those who sell anything else!
Mr. Renaud: I do NOT believe in that. Legalize all drugs, and give them to children for free (not funded through taxpayers though), as it's a way to manipulate children into doing a shoot!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on to the next topic, the economy. Mr. Biden, you’ve proposed raising the minimum wage to $15. With the economy already struggling due to the pandemic, don’t you feel that this could worsen things? 
Mr. Biden: Nope, because I’m not actually gonna do it. I just said that to get the Bernie Bros to vote for me. 
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!
Mr. Trump: Don’t believe what Sleepy Joe says. He’s planning on giving millions of workers a raise. 
Mr. Biden: AM NOT!
Mr. Trump: ARE TOO!
Mr. Biden: FALSE! FALSE! FALSE!
Mr. Renaud: The minimum wage should be abolished. Raising it to $15 would put CPTV out of business! I don’t have enough money to pay all those children!
Mr. R’Onion: I concur with Mr. Renaud. Thanks to minimum wage laws, millions of trees are slaughtered each year in order to pay workers. If we allowed corporations to deny pay to their workers, we’d save countless lives. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on to the next topic, civil rights—
Mr. Peppermint: You already know what my position is! [takes out an AK] If you’re tired of all the minorities claiming Aryan status, vote for me!
Mr. Trump: For the last time, Tim, I’m the REAL bigot, not you. Just look at all the civil rights regulations I rolled back! And my VP!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Not enough! Most of your bigotry remains in the closet, while I’m out and proud!
Mr. Biden: The fact is, I’ve done more than everyone else on this stage to make bigotry the law! Just look at my 30-something years in the Senate, from fighting desegregation busing to the Biden Crime Bill. Also, Jack, you want to end aid to Israel! You want to stop the genocide of Palestinians, and you call yourself a bigot?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I don’t have a problem with that, I have a problem with Israel claiming to be a Jewish state! You already know how I feel about (((them))).
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] (((Millionaire Bernie))) must be exterminated!
Mr. Trump: You heard Sleepy Joe say it himself. His 30-something years in the Senate. Compare that to what I’ve been able to do in just four years. A wave of white supremacist terrorism like you’ve never seen before. In fact, counties where I did a rally saw a 266% spike in hate crimes. Joe can’t claim anything like that! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t try and act all tough, Donald. Everyone knows you’re soft on the Jews! 
Mr. Trump: Preposterous! So many synagogues have been shot up under my watch! How on earth can anyone say I’m soft on the Jews?
Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s nothing more than milquetoast incrementalism. Sure, some have been killed, but there’s millions more still alive! If I were president, they’d already be on their way to the gas chamber! I mean, come on. You literally have a Jew, Stephen Miller, serving a top position in your administration!
Mr. Trump: He’s a kapo, it’s okay. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: NO EXCEPTIONS!
Mr. Renaud: I’m tired of Jews like Epstein stealing all the kiddies, when they rightfully belong to me! How dare they hoard all these natural wonders!
Mr. R’Onion: You know, unlike my opponents, I am not an anti-semite, and I’m committed to fighting all forms of bigotry there is, including bigotry against trees.
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] Nope. You’re an anti-semite.
Mr. R’Onion: How?!
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] You already know how. I am astonished and distressed by the anti-semitism I’ve seen proliferating on the LEFT!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, this concludes our final presidential debate for the 2020 Bikini Bottom presidential election. Election Day is on November 3, but I encourage you to vote early by mail to slow the spread of the Plague.
Mr. Pepperchicken: What’s the big deal about “voting” anyways? Why pick and choose, when you can have someone do it for you! We don’t have to deal with voting in Russia!
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