Episode 202: Zero Mostel/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 202: Zero Mostel.
== Cold open ==
 	The outside of the dressing room. Scooter is knocking on the door.
Scooter	Zero Mostel, 25 seconds. Stand by. Mr. Mostel?
 	Camera zooms out to the floor below Scooter, where Fozzie is.
Scooter	Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel?
Fozzie 	Oh, he's in his dressing room eating.
 	The dressing room. Behemoth is chewing on Zero Mostel's arm.
 	
Zero 	I'm not in my dressing room eating! I'm in my dressing room being eaten!
 	Zero tosses various objects on the table in front of him, and a glass of water, into Behemoth's mouth.
== Theme ==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Zero Mostel!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Oh, please let them be funny this once.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet goes off like a firecracker with a high-pitched squeaking.
== Opening number ==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Tonight's special guest star has many, many talents. Let's see... He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero Mostel. But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience...
 	
Sam 	(in the wings) Oh, at last, at last!
Kermit 	...and in the wings, uh, we open tonight's show with a little classical music. Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.
 	Fozzie peeks through the curtain.
Fozzie 	(whispering) Psst! Psst! Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it.
Kermit 	Yeah, but, I just introduced the Polonaise.
Fozzie 	It's okay. Here. Here, I got a whole new intro written. (hands Kermit a paper) Read that. Good luck, kid.
Kermit 	Let's see, uh... Oh. OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat, as performed by... Dr. Teeth?
Sam 	What.
 	
 	The Electric Mayhem plays a funk version of Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.
Dr. Teeth	Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! (to Zoot) Honk it, honk it! Yeah, yeah! (etc.)
Animal 	Chopin! Chopin!
Dr. Teeth	Cookin', cookin'!
Animal 	Chopin! Chopin!
 	When the band finishes, Sam, in the wings, buries his face in a handkerchief and cries.
Waldorf 	You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight.
Statler 	You plan to like this show?
Waldorf 	No, I plan to watch television.
 	
 	Waldorf sets up a television set in front of them.
== Backstage ==
 	The band comes offstage.
Kermit 	OK, good ol' Chopin. You can't beat the classics. You can only destroy 'em.
Floyd 	Hey, frogis amphibious.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Floyd 	Yeah, don't forget today is payday.
Animal 	Payday! Payday!
Kermit 	Payday, again? It was payday last year. It seems to be getting to be a habit around here. Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here.
 	
 	Kermit goes further backstage to another desk and opens the cash box. Moths fly out of it.
Kermit 	Three moths and a washer. Well, that's more than we usually have. Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money?
 	Scooter comes through the door behind Kermit.
Scooter	Oh, how much do you need, Kermit?
Kermit 	Oh Scooter! Twenty-seven dollars and fourteen cents.
Scooter	Wow! That's high finance.
 	A telephone rings.
Scooter	I'll get it.
 	
 	Scooter goes to Kermit's desk and picks up the phone.
Scooter	Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J.P.
Kermit 	That's Scooter's uncle, J.P. Grosse, the bloodless old tightwad who owns this theater.
Scooter	Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, uh...
 	Smoke puffs out of the phone.
Scooter	Could you put your cigar out, please?
 	It stops.
Scooter	Thanks.
 	Kermit tries to listen in on the conversation.
Scooter	Oh, everything's fine. Yeah, except Kermit needs some money to make the payroll. Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh.
Kermit 	Uh, what'd he say?
Scooter	He said, "Uh-huh."
Kermit 	Terrific!
Scooter	If...
Kermit 	Uh, if what?
Scooter	If you put some good old-fashioned entertainment back into the show.
Kermit 	Oh. You mean like an Irish tenor?
Scooter	No.
Kermit 	A dog act? Jugglers? Spoon players? What?
 	Scooter shakes his head "no" at every suggestion.
Scooter	Lady wrestlers. (exits)
Kermit 	Terrific. I was afraid he wanted something tasteless.
== "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" ==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK, now it's time for our special guest to do something special. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mostel.
 	
 	Zero Mostel, dressed as King Henry the VIII, sings "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" with his Queen and Muppy. When the Queen suggests that "simple folk" sing to escape their blues, Zero bursts out singing Pagliacci.
 	Statler and Waldorf are watching their television.
Waldorf	Yeah, what's the name of this movie?
Statler	Beach Blanket Frankenstein.
Waldorf	Hmm. Awful.
Statler	Terrible film.
Waldorf	Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead.
 	They peek over the balcony to look at the stage, then shake their heads and return to their television.
Statler	Wonderful.
Waldorf	Terrific film.
== Backstage ==
 	Kermit is holding the phone at his desk.
Kermit 	Aw, where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date? (on the phone) Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo? How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight? ... I see. Transcendental meditation. That's too bad.
 	Animal enters. Someone is heard knocking on the door.
Kermit 	Hey, Animal, would you get the door?
Animal 	Wha?
Kermit 	I say, would you get the door? Get the door!
Animal 	Ah, get the door! (growls)
Kermit 	Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler...
 	
 	A cracking is heard. Animal has ripped the door off its hinges and brings it to Kermit.
Animal 	Here door.
 	Animal leaves and Granny the Gouger enters.
Granny the Gouger	My, what a dynamic doorman you have here.
== At the Dance: Tennis ==
Female Whatnot (JH) 	How was your tennis game today? Have a rough match?
 	Her partner turns his head around to reveal a tennis ball lodged in his mouth.
Female Whatnot 	I see you did.
 	
 	
Female Whatnot (RH) 	Do you play tennis?
Male Whatnot (RH) 	Of course.
Female Whatnot (RH) 	How's your backhand?
Male Whatnot (RH) 	Uh, fair.
Female Whatnot (RH) 	How's your forehand?
Male Whatnot (RH) 	Oh, they're terrific.
 	He lifts up two extra arms.
 	
Svengali's Assistant (FO)	You say you watched six tennis matches today? How do you feel?
 	Her partner turns his head around to reveal his pupils pointing in opposite directions.
Male Whatnot (FO) 	Uh, fine. Just fine.
 	
 	Two tennis balls are dancing together.
Tennis ball #1 (JH) 	What'd you do today?
Tennis ball #2 (JH) 	Just spent the day in court.
 	
 	
Female Whatnot (DG) 	My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket.
Male Whatnot (DG) 	Oh, why not get a big racket?
Crazy Harry 	You say you want a big racket?
Female Whatnot (DG) 	Yeah.
 	Crazy Harry sets off an explosion and cackles.
==UK Spot==
 	Kermit is at the desk in the prop room. Sam enters.
Sam 	Excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you?
Kermit 	Sure, Sam. What you want?
Sam 	I think you know why I am here.
Kermit 	Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.
Sam 	I feel my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and cultural and wholesome.
 	
 	Beautiful Day Monster approaches them from behind.
Beautiful Day Monster	You got your work cut out for you, bird. (leaves)
Sam 	Now THAT was unwholesome! THAT was not cultural!
Kermit 	Uh... uh, fine, fine. But what can I do for you, Sam?
Sam 	I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.
Kermit 	Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow, you'll like this show.
Sam 	Ah, good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.
 	Sam paces and "mm-hmm"s his approval as Kermit talks.
Kermit 	Let's see. We got... Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel. Got a musical number...
Sam 	Musical number? Good, good.
Kermit 	...with Zoot and Rowlf. And then of course we've got... Uh, we got the lady, uh... (mutters) ...the lady wrestlers.
 	Sam stops pacing and stands at Kermit's shoulder.
Sam 	The what?
Kermit 	Uh... Oh, nothing, Sam. It's just... We got, uh, some lady, uh... (mutters) lady wrestlers. Stand by for the pantomime number!
Sam 	Lady what?
Kermit 	Lady wrest...
Sam 	(whispers) Wrest, what?
Kermit 	...lers.
Sam 	Lady wrestlers?! Lady wrestlers!
 	Sam rages around the prop room.
Kermit 	Sam, Sam, you don't understand--
Sam 	Have we no shame?! (groans)
Kermit 	I...
Sam 	Kermit, something, something must be done here.
Kermit 	Yeah, but...
Sam 	Someone must work for integrity and decency. Someone, someone must do this. I shall continue to speak out, knowing someday I will get my just desserts.
Kermit 	Uh, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts.
 	Beautiful Day reenters holding a pie, which he hits Sam in the face with.
Beautiful Day Monster	(chuckling)
Kermit 	What was that?
Beautiful Day Monster	Just desserts. (leaves)
Sam 	The road is long. The path is steep.
== Muppet Labs: Magnetic Carrots ==
 	Bunsen is at the table with a short red container in front of him.
Bunsen Honeydew	Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
 	Beaker emerges, terrified, from behind a set piece.
Bunsen 	Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory. Beaker, come on in here and let's show them Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots.
 	Beaker approaches the table.
Bunsen 	Come on, Beaker. Just pick up the lid there. It's alright.
Beaker 	(whimpers)
 	He removes the lid to reveal some carrots on a tray.
Bunsen 	Isn't that snazzy?
 	Beaker shakes his head "no."
Bunsen 	Now these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way, except that they are magnetic.
 	
 	The carrots fly off the plate onto a metal grate.
Beaker 	(gasping)
 	Beaker tries to pry the carrots off the grate.
Bunsen 	Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home on the roof of your car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator.
Beaker 	(grunts)
 	A robot rabbit has entered and is making its way over to Beaker.
Bunsen 	Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback. Sometimes the magnetic carrots tend to attract steel, uh, rabbits.
 	Bunsen ducks below the table as the rabbit smacks Beaker to the floor. It takes the carrots and leaves. Bunsen reappears.
Bunsen 	Tune in next time for news of our research into the feasibility of cast-iron watchdogs.
 	Beaker comes up, disheveled and dazed.
Bunsen 	Beaker...
Statler 	Ah, let's switch channels. This show is dull.
Waldorf 	You bet.
 	Waldorf clicks a button on the TV.
Statler 	What is that?
Waldorf 	It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box watching television.
Statler 	That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that.
== Dressing Room ==
 	Zero Mostel is powdering his face. Sam enters.
Sam 	Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mostel.
Zero	Yes?
Sam 	I am Sam the Eagle...
Zero	I'm so glad to know you.
Sam 	Mmm, yes, glad to know you. I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.
Zero	Are you really?
Sam 	Mmm, yes. I believe this program is trivial...
 	
 	Sam turns his back on Zero, and as he does, Zero makes a face, sticks the powder puff in his mouth, and flaps his arms mockingly.
Sam 	...and... and not fit for family viewing.
 	Sam turns around again, and Zero instantly stops.
Sam 	It is... It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
 	Sam faces away from Zero, and Zero reaches for a hammer.
Zero	It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
Sam 	Mmm, I'm glad you agree with me, yes. I, personally, have always felt that this program...
 	Zero winds up to hit Sam with the hammer. When Sam turns around to face him again, he drops it behind his back.
Sam 	must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness.
 	
 	Sam turns away again. Zero aims a gun at Sam, and sticks the barrel in his mouth when Sam turns back.
Sam 	Mmm. Don't you agree with me, sir?
 	Sam faces away again.
Zero	Of course. Must be cleansed.
 	Zero dumps a glass of water behind Sam.
Sam 	Yes. Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike.
 	Zero makes faces at Sam, then resumes a pleasant expression when Sam turns around.
Zero	We do. Well, it's been a pleasure...
 	They shake hands.
Sam 	A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity. (leaves)
Zero	Dignity. Always dignity. Dignity, dignity... (squawks and flaps his arms)
== Backstage ==
 	Granny the Gouger approaches Kermit at his desk.
Granny the Gouger	(clears throat)
Kermit 	I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am. What can I do for you?
Granny 	Yes, I understood you're looking for lady wrestlers. You see, I'm Granny the Gouger and I'd like to audition.
Kermit 	(chuckles) You want to audition? That's very funny. Is this some kind of a joke or something?
Granny 	Joke? Funny? Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady. You're going to be old yourself someday.
 	
 	She winds up to punch Kermit. He ducks and she knocks the intercom off the wall.
Granny 	And when that day comes, you're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny. (leaves)
Kermit 	I think I'm sorry already.
== "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" ==
	
	Zoot and Rowlf the Dog play "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes." Slowly, smoke begins to billow out of Zoot's saxophone until, by the end of the song, the room is filled with smoke.
== "Fears of Zero" ==
 	A library set. Zero Mostel is sitting engrossed in a book, which he shuts on his nose and then pries off. He beckons to the camera and begins his poem.
Zero 	Late, late at night
The world sleeps... (snores)
And I am here alone
And here I come some nights
To confront my fears
 	Muppet monsters creep up behind him, growling.
Zero 	They're here, my fears
They are always with me
Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting
They come!
And they go
 	The monsters all dart away.
Zero 	But though they are gone they are never far
And here, alone at night...
...I can confront them
 	He throws open some drawers on a desk and monsters spill out of them.
Zero 	There they are, confronted fears
Fears of hunger, fears of pain... Ow!
 	Shakey Sanchez runs by him.
Zero 	Fears of missing the last train
Fear of dentists always drilling
Fear that no one will be willing
To see me as I know I really am.
Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
 	The desk monsters vanish.
Zero 	Like figments of my own imagination.
But always... There are other fears.
 	More monsters surround him and lurk out of book shelves.
Zero 	Fears of snakes, fears of cats
Fears of maître d's and rats
An irrational black terror that someday I may get fat
Fear of elevators falling
And the taxman someday calling
And the accidental walling of myself
 	Green and Purple Heap crawl up onto his shoulders.
Zero 	Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar
Where the spiders weave around my tummy
And the worms and bugs and crawly things
Squirm and squiggle at my person
(cackling) Oh, I love it!
Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
 	The monsters vanish.
Zero 	But then...
There are other fears
Fears of bullets, there's a dread
Fear of baldness on the head
Fear of waking up one morning
To discover that you are dead
 	More monsters surround him.
Zero 	Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
 	The monsters vanish.
Zero 	Like figments of my own imagination.
Then there is the last fear
Just about the time I'm past fear
The one that really is final
It will come yours... and mine'll
 	
 	Timmy Monster walks in behind him.
Zero 	In the darkest of the night
It will come without a fight
It will count me and compel me
It will casually dispel me
 	Zero vanishes, leaving just Timmy Monster, who looks around curiously.
Zero's voice	For I am just a figment
Of its own imagination
 	Timmy shrugs.
== Backstage ==
Kermit	Oh, look at that. The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler. Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive, tough female with a killer's instinct?
 	Miss Piggy enters.
Piggy 	Hello, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh... Oh, hi, Miss Piggy!
Piggy 	And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing?
Kermit	Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a special spot in tonight's show.
Piggy 	You have created a spot just for moi? (gasps) Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion.
Kermit	Uh...
Piggy 	Yes, yes, yes.
Kermit	Yeah. Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress with tremendous strength...
Piggy 	Yes!
Kermit	...versatility, uh...
Piggy 	Yes!
Kermit	...and someone who's all female.
Piggy 	Oh. Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc?
Kermit	Uh, no.
Piggy 	Naughty Marietta?
Kermit	Well, uh, no.
Piggy 	Oh, Lady Macbeth!
Kermit	Well, uh, it's more like a lady wrestler.
 	
 	(Piggy does a slow burn.)
Piggy 	Lady... wrestler? (She huffs loudly while Kermit speaks.)
Kermit	Well, yeah. It's a sort of thing where you, uh... You have to have the ability to... I mean, wrestlers are...
Piggy 	(screaming) Lady wrestler?!
 	Piggy chases Kermit offscreen and back again, both screaming. Zoot and Floyd enter.
Zoot 	What do you make of that, man?
Floyd 	Ten to one on the pig.
 	Kermit and Piggy run past again, still screaming.
Zoot 	Right.
 	Kermit tries to hide between Floyd and Zoot, then keeps running.
Piggy 	Lady wrestler?!
== Drum Solo ==
	
	Animal plays a solo, but his drum catches on fire before he can finish.
== Lady Wrestling ==
 	Scooter enters the stage.
Scooter	Tonight we're gonna present you with a cultural demonstration of female grace and dexterity. So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai Bowl-A-Drome, Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask! One fall, no holds barred.
 	
 	The curtain opens. Granny the Gouger and Kermit wearing a wig, mask, and cape are warming up in a wrestling ring.
Granny 	Hope your insurance is paid, frog.
 	The bell rings and the two prepare to fight. Granny takes Kermit to the ground easily.
Granny 	C'mon... Hiyah!
 	Granny ties up Kermit's limbs. Booing and whistling come from the crowd, applause from Zelda Rose and Svengali's assistant. Granny picks up Kermit and throws him out of the ring.
Granny 	Alley-oop!
 	
 	Kermit lands in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler	I think you'd better give up, frog.
Kermit 	What, and leave show business?
 	Piggy enters the ring.
Granny 	(chuckling)
Piggy 	(gasps) What did you do to my frog?!
Granny 	Hmm?
Piggy 	I'll show you! Hiyah!
 	Piggy karate-chops Granny the Gouger, who falls over backwards. The audience cheers and applauds.
== Goodnights ==
 	Kermit stands in front of the curtain, his arm in a sling and covered in bandages.
Kermit 	Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show. Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show. Uh, but right now I'd like to thank our special guest star, who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr. Zero Mostel! Come on out!
 	
 	Zero comes onstage flanked by Mean Mama and Blue Frackle, making monster noises with them. Sam enters from the other side of the stage.
Sam 	Now you stop that, Mr. Mostel.
Kermit 	Uh, well, that's about it. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Zero 	Must there be a next time?
 	Zero bites Sam on the beak. The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Statler	Well, what do you think of television?
 	Waldorf gets electrocuted by the television.
Statler	Shocking, isn't it?
 	Waldorf grabs Statler and gets shocked as well, groaning in pain.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts