Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties/Transcript

[We open on a flag that has an orange cat resembling Garfield. A bunch of birds fly by. The camera zooms down to a castle as a royal fanfare plays, everything revealed to be in a book with a title saying, "Classic Fairy Tales." It first shows the book version of Garfield pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall, then him taking food out of Little Red Riding Hood's basket, and finally him leading three blind mice to a sandwich. It switches to live action and shows where it will take the audience to. All of this is happening in England. The camera goes up to a castle.]
Narrator: Once upon a time, in an English castle far, far away, (camera goes inside) there lived a pampered personage. By the name of... (a European cat moans and yawns) Prince.
[Prince XII pulls the handle which rings the bell. In the kitchen, the chefs hear the bell.]
Male Chef: All right, everyone. He's awake.
Male Chef 2: Hurry! Hurry!
Male Chef: Come along, quickly.
[The food is on the tray, which is being carried by an old man, Smithee, who is taking it to Prince's room.]
Narrator: Prince knew no other life than life of luxury. (realizes) Oh, did I mention that Prince was a cat?
[The camera shows Prince XII, a cat who looks exactly like Garfield. Smithee sets the tray down.]
Smithee: Good morning, Prince.
[Prince XII yawns while stretching.]
Smithee: Your tea.
Prince XII: Brekkie.
Smithee: I have your favorite dish. Carlyle log.
Prince XII: Lovely.
[He eats the food. Cut to him being massaged. The royal cat admires himself in the mirror.]
Prince XII: Super.
[Then, Smithee lowers Prince’s royal litter box for him to use.]
Prince XII: It's good to be the king.
[Iris-out and then open to America on the Arbuckle house.]
Narrator: On the other side of the world, there lived an equally pampered cat who thought he was the king, but who ruled over a somewhat smaller domain.
[Garfield enters the place. It seems that his owner, Jon, has spread petals everywhere for a special occasion.]
Garfield: Meow. (breakdances) I'm the king of the cul-de-sac. That's what I'm talking about. Jon and I have everything I could ever want. Food in the fridge. Cable and satellite. And don't forget lasagna. That's right. It's good to be king.
Jon Arbuckle: I want you to know you're the most important thing in my life.
Garfield: Let me sleep, please.
Jon Arbuckle: Before I met you, my life had no meaning. I was incomplete.
Garfield: You still are, really.
Jon Arbuckle: I guess what I'm trying to say is… (shows the ring) will you marry me?
Garfield: Marriage. Well, this is kind of sudden. There may be some legal issues here. Look, I like you, but not as a spouse. Maybe as a servant we could stay together, make it work.
Jon Arbuckle: So what do you say, Liz?
[He grabs a picture of Liz Wilson.]
Garfield: Wait a second. Liz?
[He tries to pull it away from Jon.]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield.
Garfield: Liz is a girl. No, worse - she's a girl vet.
[The oven dings offscreen.]
Jon Arbuckle: Turkey's ready.
Garfield: I think Jon has touched bottom now.
[Garfield knocks the portrait off the table. Jon plays some soft music while pouring a glass of wine.]
Garfield: We gotta put an end to this torture. Time for a new DJ.
[He plays Cat Scratch Fever, startling Jon to spill wine on his shirt. Garfield dances around in the living room.]
Garfield: (sings) Cat scratch fever! Oh, cat scratch fever! (speaks) Somebody take my temperature.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!
[He turns off the stereo and carries Garfield.]
Garfield: Man, you have changed.
Jon Arbuckle: I can't have you messing this up for me.
Garfield: I get it. It's her. She doesn't like our music. Whatever happened to Jon, my metalhead guy, my dude? You were so much cooler when you wore a mullet.
[The doorbell rings and Jon sets Garfield down.]
Jon Arbuckle: Now stay here.
Garfield: Far cooler. I suppose she likes this haircut?
[Doorbell rings again.]
Jon Arbuckle: Coming.
Garfield: Tell me she likes it the way it is now.
[He answers the door. It's Liz Wilson herself.]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Liz.
Liz Wilson: Jon, I have incredible news. Guess who's speaking at the fundraiser for the Royal Animal Conservancy.
Jon Arbuckle: Siegfried and Roy?
Liz Wilson: Come on.
Jon Arbuckle: Just Siegfried?
Liz Wilson: Jane Goodall dropped out 'cause she's nursing a sick chimp, and they asked me. It's gonna be at this really cool castle on a huge estate. I am flying to London tomorrow morning. Can you believe this? I have to pack. Are these rose petals and candles?
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah, well, I have... I've some… Some important news of my own.
[As Jon searches around, Garfield throws up the wedding ring onto the dining table.]
Garfield: Me too. (approaches the turkey and clears throat) Excuse me. Do you believe in love at first sight? (dances with the turkey) I was hoping you'd say yes. You have made me so very cat happy.
Liz Wilson: Come on. What's the news?
Jon Arbuckle: The news is, I...
[Odie walks by, biting on a squeaky burger toy.]
Jon Arbuckle: I finally house-trained Odie.
Liz Wilson: Really?
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah.
Liz Wilson: That would explain the rose petals. I have to pack. I'm so sorry about dinner, but I will send your regards to the Queen. Congratulations on Odie.
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah. And you too. They're lucky to have you.
Liz Wilson: Bye.
[Liz leaves the house. Jon walks by to see Garfield’s eaten the whole turkey while holding the wedding ring.]
Garfield: I thought she'd never leave.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you ate the whole turkey?
Garfield: Well, yeah.
Jon Arbuckle: (takes the ring) What are you doing with this? Never mind. It's too late. She's already off to...
Garfield: (burps) Good stuffing. Come on. Cheer up. I saved you the wishbone.
Jon Arbuckle: There's nothing I can do.
Garfield: Return the ring. Get your money back.
Jon Arbuckle: Wait a minute. I'll go to London.
Garfield: You poor sap.
Jon Arbuckle: She'll love it. She'll be surprised.
Garfield: Tell me you won't.
Jon Arbuckle: She'll say yes.
Garfield: Please don't.
Jon Arbuckle: I gotta go pack.
Garfield: You moron.
[The next morning, Jon and his pets head to the car.]
Garfield: This is a huge mistake, Jon. One of your biggest. Don't roam. Stay home. Odie and I are not just coming along for the ride, pal. 
[Odie leaps off Garfield and the cat splats on the grass.]
Garfield: This is actually an intervention.
[Soon, they arrive at a kennel.]
Jon Arbuckle: Okay, guys. Here we are.
Garfield: (yawns) Quick flight. We must have been in the jet stream. England is no great shakes. The buildings here look like the kennel back home. (realizes) That is the kennel back home. They'll never take me alive.
[Inside the building…]
Kennel Worker: They're gonna be fine, Jon.
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah. Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before. I'm afraid he might have some separation anxiety.
Kennel Worker: No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.
[Cut to Garfield and Odie in a cage.]
Garfield: You hear me, Warden? I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be held against me in a court of law. And I have the right to an attorney too, pal. And if I can't afford one, one must be provided for me by the court.
[He rocks the cage, opening the door.]
Garfield: Never mind. I just broke out.
[He and Odie leave the cage. Cut back to the humans, Jon hands the workers some things.]
Jon Arbuckle: He likes a belly rub twice a day. If you could give him lasagna between each meal, that would be great. Almost forgot Pookie. He can't be without Pookie.
[Garfield sneaks out of the kennel and goes into the car. Odie barks to be let in.]
Garfield: Great. Just when things were looking up. Why don't you stay and get your fleas removed? Maybe get a brain transplant. Go away. Beat it. Hide beneath the wheels.
[Odie leaps up to the open window.]
Garfield: You're ripping my fur. Get off. (sees Jon coming) Get in here. Get in.
[Odie gets in as Jon comes by.]
Jon Arbuckle: You have my cell phone and hotel number?
Kennel Worker: Bye, now.
Jon Arbuckle: Okay.
[He gets in his car.]
Garfield: (offscreen) Airport, and step on it.
[As the car drives off…]
Garfield: (offscreen) Jon won't mind if I repack him. We're gonna need some room in this bag.
[He throws some stuff out the window. Back at Carlyle Castle, Lord Dargis is taking a swim in the pool when a duck, startled by an arriving car, flies and lands in the water.]
Lord Dargis: You savage beast! How dare you! Get out of here! Smithee! There's something in the pool, Smithee!
[He gets out of the pool and Smithee puts a robe around him.]
Lord Dargis: There's a duck in my pool, Smithee! A duck!
Smithee: A duck, sir?
Lord Dargis: Filthy wild animal soaking itself in my pool! What do you intend doing about this?
Smithee: I shall speak to the duck, sir. By the way, the solicitors are here to read Lady Eleanor's will.
Lord Dargis: Excellent. In a few moments, I'll be the master of this entire estate. And from this day on, things will be done my way.
[As the humans leave, more ducks arrive and swim in the pool. Inside the castle, a solicitor reads the will of Lady Eleanor Carlyle.]
Mr. Hobbs: This is the last will and testament of Lady Eleanor Carlyle of Carlyle Castle. (reads the will) "I declare this to be my last will and testament which I make this first day of September... "
[Some animals watch and hear the conversation outside the building.]
McBunny: Keep still. They're reading Lady Eleanor's will.
Christophe: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Eenie: If Lord Dargis gets the estate, we're done for.
McBunny: Quiet.
[Back to the humans…]
Mr. Hobbs: (reads) "To my devoted Smithee: I make thee caretaker of my estate. Care for my beloved animal friends as you have in the past and you'll always have a home at Carlyle Castle."
Smithee: (to the portrait of Lady Eleanor Carlyle) Thank you, madam.
Lord Dargis: She's dead, Smithee. You can stop sucking up.
Mr. Hobbs: (reads) "The rest of my worldly possessions, my castle and grounds, I leave to the love of my life, somebody who was like a son to me... "
Lord Dargis: Thank you, Aunt Eleanor. Thank you.
Mr. Hobbs: Please let me finish, Mr. Dargis.
Lord Dargis:  I'm sorry. I got a little ahead of myself.
Mr. Hobbs: (resumes reading) “...like a son to me, I leave all my possessions to my beloved kitty, Prince XII."
[Dargis is shocked by the news.]
Mr. Greene: Incredible. Entirely without precedent.
Mr. Hobbs: This is what it says.
Lord Dargis: But I'm her nephew, her only heir. She can't have left it all to her cat.
Prince XII: I, Prince, the new lord of the castle?
Animals: Hurrah.
Prince XII: Good show, Lady Eleanor. Bless her heart.
Winston: Can it be? We are delivered.
Prince XII: Thank you, Winston.
Mr. Hobbs: The will clearly states that you may stay on at Carlyle Castle and receive your usual stipend of 50 pounds a week.
Lord Dargis: 50 Pounds?!
[He threatens the solicitor.]
Mrs. Whitney: Upon Prince's passing, after what we assume will be a long and happy life, you will receive the castle, the land and your title.
Lord Dargis: But that fat ball of fur could last for another 15 years!
Mr. Hobbs: Let us hope so.
[Dargis glares at the royal cat, who waves back at him. Cut to a tour going on at Carlyle Castle.]
Tour Guide: The castle was built over years ago by Lord Franklin Carlyle. Now, the initial structure is late medieval in style…
[Dargis walks by, speaking to a worker.]
Worker: On this wing, we'll put the pool and spa.
Lord Dargis: Yes, and where would the squash courts be?
Tourist 1: There he is!
Tourist 2: That's unbelievable!
[Dargis looks back at the tourists, thinking they want to see him.]
Lord Dargis: Hello. Snap your photos. Unfortunately, I can but spare a few moments...
Tourist 1: Buddy, do you mind stepping aside? I can't get a good shot of the cat.
[Prince XII appears in a royal carriage and tourists take pictures of him.]
Prince XII: Greetings, all. Hello. So glad.
Lord Dargis: May I remind you this is private property.
Female Tourist: Relax, bro. It's not like you own the place.
Lord Dargis: We shall see.
[Meanwhile, the ducks sound off with royal fanfare.]
Winston: To all the royal subjects, I give you the new possessor of Carlyle Castle, Prince Xll. 
[The animals kneel as Prince XII makes his appearance.]
Prince XII: To one and all, I pledge, from this day forward, to rule my kingdom with wisdom and valor. And as long as I reign, you shall continue to have safe haven here on the bountiful grounds of Carlyle. Thank you. That is all.
[He and Winston walk away.]
Animals: Hurrah. Long live Prince.
Prince XII: I think that went frightfully well, don't you, Winny?
Winston: Sire, I hasten to remind you that Lord Dargis has every reason to get rid of you.
Prince XII: Winny, pooh-pooh. I'm his favorite kitty cat.
[Later, as Prince XII walks in the castle, Dargis comes in with a basket.]
Lord Dargis: Hello, little Prince. What a beautiful day for a picnic, what?
Prince XII: No, thanks, old boy. You just run along and enjoy yourself. (Dargis moves the basket toward him) What the devil...?
[Soon, he is captured in the basket.]
Prince XII: So it's hide-and-seek you want to play? All right, I'll count to 100.
[A nearby rottweiler barks as Dargis walks on.]
Lord Dargis: Hello, Rommel.
Prince XII: One, two, three, four, five...
[The lord walks outside the castle grounds.]
Prince XII: 35, 36, 37, 38... ..96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
[He comes across a river.]
Prince XII: All right. Fair warning. Ready or not, here I come.
[Dargis throws the basket into the river.]
Lord Dargis: Bon voyage, Prince.
Prince XII: Dear me. I may have misjudged the old boy. Perhaps he is somewhat of a scoundrel. After all, this is not the way one plays hide-and-seek.
[The basket floats down the river. A nearby rock reads “LONDON - 40 MILES.” Dargis walks off, unaware of a crow watching him. Meanwhile, Jon is in a taxicab, taking in the views of England. Soon, he arrives at a hotel and the porter carries his luggage to his room.]
Hotel Porter: Blimey. Will that be all, sir?
Jon Arbuckle: Yes. Thank you. (hands him tip) Thank you.
Hotel Porter: Thank you, sir.
Jon Arbuckle: Wait. How do I look?
Hotel Porter: Lovely, sir.
Jon Arbuckle: No, see, I'm proposing to my girlfriend. She's staying down the hall. I want to make sure I look...
Hotel Porter: Let's see, now. It needs a certain… (spiffies Jon up) May I, sir? (puts a rose in Jon’s coat) There we are. Hugh Grant.
Jon Arbuckle: Great. (hands him a piece of paper) Could you deliver this to the girl in room 407?
Hotel Porter: Of course, sir.
Jon Arbuckle: And… (hands him a rose) And this.
Hotel Porter: Cary Grant, sir.
[As Jon practices his proposal, he hears a knock on the door. He answers it and it’s Liz.]
Liz Wilson: Jon.
Jon Arbuckle: Hey. 
Liz Wilson: Why are you here?
Jon Arbuckle: It's Fashion Week. Where else would I be?
Liz Wilson: This is incredible. I can't believe you're here.
Jon Arbuckle: So you're glad?
Liz Wilson: Glad? I'm thrilled. But London? Did you come all the way here just for me?
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah, it's nuts. In fact, I want us to be together...
[Suddenly, the suitcase opens to let out Odie.]
Liz Wilson: Odie. Come here.
[Garfield also emerges, gasping for air.]
Garfield: Air. Water. Lasagna.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield?
Garfield: That's the hello I get? 13 hours in a bag with a farting dog.
Liz Wilson: There are quarantine laws here. Don't let Odie out of your sight. They might deport him.
Garfield: Deport Odie? I like this country already. (falls out) Okay. I'm gonna need a litter box, room-service menu and the TV remote - and in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.
[He goes to the bathroom and Jon checks his bag.]
Jon Arbuckle: Where are my clothes?
[In the bathroom, Garfield plays with a toilet.]
Garfield: Cool. My very own cat tub.
[He turns the handle and water sprays at him.]
Garfield: Golly.
[Back at Carlyle Castle, the crow caws to Nigel about what happened to Prince XII.]
Nigel: Got it. Could have just come down and told me that. (to the animals) Listen up. Barnyard newsflash. I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?
Animals: The bad news.
Nigel: Lord Dargis just threw Prince in the river.
[The animals all worry.]
Winston: Okay, give me the good news.
Nigel: He was in a lovely picnic basket.
[They groan in dismay.]
Eenie: If he throws us in the river, we'll never survive.
Christophe: You're ducks. You can swim.
Preston: Winston, I'm next in line for the throne.
Bolero: This could get ugly.
Preston: (rolls out a long list of rules) I have a list of new rules of governance.
Winston: I hardly think that's necessary.
Preston: Rule number one. The barnyard animals congregate entirely too close to the castle. We house pets need our space.
McBunny: You've got enough space, laddie - right between your ears.
[The other animals laugh.]
Preston: Take that back. I command you, as your new king.
Winston: There's still a chance Prince may find his way back here. In the meantime, Claudius, you get into the castle and find out what Dargis is up to.
Claudius: I'm on it. I'm your mouse on the inside. 
Winston: I'll see what I can learn from my end.
[?]
Liz Wilson: I want to do something more cultural.
Jon Arbuckle: Okay.
[?]
Garfield: You're cold. Getting colder. You're an icicle. You're frozen stiff. Let's remind ourselves what we're looking for. It's a hamburger. A squeaky hamburger.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: We'll take a walk through Hyde Park.
Garfield: Excuse me? We walk?
Jon Arbuckle: Then we stroll down the incredibly cultural Piccadilly.
Garfield: Stroll?
Jon Arbuckle: And then Carnaby Street.
Liz Wilson: Aren't we 40 years too late for Carnaby Street?
Jon Arbuckle: No, luv, that's where all the swinging birds are.
Liz Wilson: Well, then, we are definitely going to the British Museum.
[Liz leaves the room.]
Garfield: (gags) Any cuter, I'm gonna need a barf bag.
[He prepares to leave, but Jon stops him.]
Jon Arbuckle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garfield, what are you doing?
Garfield: I'm security, protecting you from yourself.
Jon Arbuckle: You have caused enough trouble today. Now, you have food, water and company.
Garfield: Which one is he?
Jon Arbuckle: Be good.
Garfield: Jon, you’re delirious. Be careful, she's a man-eater! (Jon leaves) Oh, no. He's under the spell. (Odie still looks for the hamburger in the cabinet) Okay, Odie. I'll give you one small clue. It's not in there!
[Back in the castle, Smithee searches for Prince XII.]
Smithee: Prince? Where is that cat? Prince. Prince. Prince. Prince. Prince.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Pull.
[?]
Smithee: Sir, have you by any chance seen Prince? I can't seem to find him anywhere.
Lord Dargis: Oh, dear. You mean our little orange bundle of fun is missing? Pull.
[?]
McBunny: Crikey. The man's got a cannon. (Dargis points his gun at them) And he's pointing it at us.
Eenie: We're sitting ducks.
Smithee: Careful, sir. You wouldn't want to injure the creatures, would you?
Eenie: Run away!
[They quickly run away.]
Lord Dargis: Course not. That would make me some kind of monster, wouldn't it? By the way, I've a little errand for you. Could you go to London, pick up my new suits at Willoughby's?
Smithee: Very good, sir. (leaves)
Lord Dargis: Pull!
[?]
Garfield: Can you imagine taking a nap on that table? Just lie there for hours and shed.
[He switches the channel.]
British Newscaster: (on TV) The Queen's corgis, Milly and Tillie, returned from their world cruise with the Queen aboard her yacht. The animals suffered mild seasickness, but now are back to eating the finest calf's liver in the universe.
Garfield: Must be sweet. "My tummy's upset. May I have some liver?" Boy, I wish Jon was a queen.
Maid: (offscreen; knocks on the door) Housekeeping.
Garfield: Okay, blockhead, time to bust out of here and catch up with Jon. First, let's grab some chow, before I eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
[As they head out…]
Garfield: Sorry, we left a bit of a mess in the bathroom. Thanks.
[?]
Garfield: Keep your eyes peeled for a goofy-looking guy with a map.
[?]
Garfield: They're not up here. I'm coming down.
[?]
Garfield: Jon, Jon, Jon.
[?]
Garfield: Where's Waldo?
[?]
Garfield: Take the picture. Take it! Take the picture!
[?]
English Guard: Halt. Right face.
[They turn right. Garfield and Odie approach one of the guards.]
Garfield: Excuse me. Did you see a couple of people who looked like tourists? (no response) I know this drill. They won't crack up no matter what you do. Hey, freeze-frame, your knee's on fire. (no response) I know I can get this guy. Seriously, your zipper's down. (no response) Hey, dry goods. (makes a silly face) Anybody ever tell you you look like Tina Turner? (no response) That was effective.
English Guard: Her Majesty, the queen of England.
[?]
Garfield: What's all the hub-bub?
English Guard: Attention.
Garfield: Hey, Odie, look. It's those royal corgis. Hey, lady! Got any leftover liver? Oh, I know she heard me. They are dogs, Odie. Odie? (Odie whizzes on the guard's foot) Odie, no don't do the ugly American thing! (the guard looks down at Odie, and chases Garfield and Odie) The British are coming! The British are coming! (to Odie) Well, you made him crack, anyway.
[?]
Prince XII: Disgusting. It's so smelly down here. I must get out. Hello. Can someone help a chap? I'm in the sewer.
[?]
Garfield: This is hopeless. We'll never find Jon. Face it, Odie, nobody cares whether we live or...
[?]
Smithee: Prince. I've found you.
Garfield: Oh, dear. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat, not the dog?
[?]
Garfield: Odie, help, please. Is that a cologne or a disinfectant, sir?
Smithee: I just got you a special treat. Minced pie.
Garfield: Odie, call a cop. I mean bobby, or jimmy. Never mind, Odie. Don't bother. There's a pie here. I'll be just fine.
[?]
Garfield: Odie, help, please. Is that a cologne or a disinfectant, sir?
Smithee: I just got you a special treat. Minced pie.
Garfield: Odie, call a cop. I mean bobby, or jimmy. Never mind, Odie. Don't bother. There's a pie here. I'll be just fine.
[The car drives off with Garfield while Prince emerges from the sewer.]
Prince XII: Dear heavens. That was absolutely the most horrifying. But I'm alive. I'm alive. And covered in filth. (to Odie) Here, here. I must return to my throne. (Odie barks) What ho? Indeed. Seeing me in this state must be shocking. I've lost my bearings. You must lead me with all due haste to the castle at Carlyle. But first I require a bath. Here, come on. Do you expect me to lick myself?
[Jon arrives to see Prince and Garfield.]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield? Odie? What are you doing here?
Prince XII: Garfield? What the devil is a Garfield?
Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you guys? Do you know how bad I would feel if I lost you here? From now on, I'm not letting you out of my sight, OK?
Prince XII: (as Jon picks him up) Dear heaven. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog?
Jon Arbuckle: (sniffs then recoils) Bath time for you, buddy.
Prince XII: Well, that's the best news I've heard all day. The dog's not very bright. Where are you taking me? Somewhere lovely and special?
[?]
Garfield: Hey, Mario Andretti. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and I've got an entire pie in my stomach.
Smithee: Don't worry, Prince. You'll feel better when we get back to Carlyle.
[?]
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) Excuse me. Yes, hello. Hobbs here.
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Hobbs. This is Manfred Dargis here. A terrible thing has happened. Prince is missing. We've searched everywhere.
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) Prince is missing?
Mr. Greene and Mrs. Whitney: Missing?
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) This is a rather sudden development.
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Actually, it's quite common. In the absence or, in this case, the death of an owner, it can be quite confusing and disorienting to a cat. Let's face it, the brain's the size of a gumball.
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) All the same, it seems rather fishy to me.
Lord Dargis: (on phone) I don't particularly care what it seems to you. Legally, since he is gone, the title of the Carlyle estate falls to me. Am I not correct?
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) Yes, very well. 
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Goodbye. (hangs up)
Mr. Hobbs: (hangs up) He's up to something. He's got some plan for the estate. And I want to find out what.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Miss Abby Westminster, I presume.
Miss Westminster: Lord Dargis. An absolute pleasure. Hello.
Lord Dargis: I'm so pleased you've shown such an interest in our little enterprise.
Miss Westminster: Well, my investors are very interested.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Cheers, dear.
Miss Westminster: To a long-lasting business relationship.
Lord Dargis: To Carlyle Resort and Spa.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Allow me to introduce you to my dream.
[?]
Claudius: What's this?
Lord Dargis: A state-of-the-art spa, meditation garden and, of course, luxury condominium.
Miss Westminster: But what of the woodland and barnyard areas?
Lord Dargis: Allow me. (lifts up the barn lands) If you would.
Miss Westminster: Very clever.
Lord Dargis: (adds a condo space in place) No woodland. No barnyard area. Gone.
Miss Westminster: So what will you do with all the animals?
Lord Dargis: Let's just say, those we don't chase off we will serve up to the guests. (laughs evilly)
Claudius: I must alert the others at once!
[Cut back to Garfield’s side.]
Garfield: Bus driver, pull it over. I gotta pie belch coming up that might break your windows.
[He belches loudly, scaring some geese.]
Smithee: Come on, Prince.
[Soon, he and Smithee arrive at the castle.]
Garfield: Yeah. I used to be known as Prince, but you can just call me Gar... field.
[He stares in awe at Carlyle Castle.]
Garfield: Wow. Get a load of this dump.
[?]
Garfield: Thanks. No pet door? Holy cow. I can hear my footsteps. Mom, Dad, I'm home.
Winston: Your Highness.
Garfield: You talking to me, Froggy?
Winston: It's me, your trusty servant Winston.
Garfield: Warning: I don't fight fair. I scratch and I bite.
Winston: It's all right, sire. All is well now. You're home.
Garfield: Home? Retirement home? Happy home? What is this, an insane asylum? Am I being kidnapped?
Winston: Very funny, sire. Your loyal subjects await you. They need to be comforted by your words.
Garfield: Trust me, windbag. There's no way I'm gonna give a speech to a bunch of strange...
Winston: And then, following your words, a royal feast.
Garfield: I think I'm just gonna do a tight two minutes, see if that'll calm 'em down.
[Winston comes out to address the animals.]
Winston: Oyez! Prince Xll has returned!
[The ducks sound off the royal fanfare.]
Garfield: Thank you, windbag, for that slobbering introduction. Hello, everybody. Listen up. Is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out and I see a sea of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. I wish I could take every one of you home with me. Thank you. I killed.
Winston: Very funny, sire. Well done.
Nigel: I didn't realize it was amateur hour.
Meenie: What's up with Prince?
Christophe: He's on the catnip again.
Claudius: Chaps, have I got news for you!
McBunny: What's the word, Claudius?
Claudius: Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists.
Nigel: Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury, won't he?
Winston: Calm yourselves, everybody. We're all right as long as Prince is alive.
McBunny: Well, obviously that feline is not Prince, you idiots.
Preston: He's not even the cat formerly known as Prince.
Winston: He doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.
McBunny: But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?
Winston: McBunny is right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: Mr. and Mrs. Jon Arbuckle. Liz Arbuckle. Elizabeth Arbuckle.
Prince XII: Listen, you dolt. There's been a coup d'état. Attempted murder most foul. I am Prince Xll of Carlyle. (to Odie) You there, with the wise and thoughtful look. Hello. Convince this man there's been a mix-up.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I want you in my wedding party.
Prince XII: Wedding party?
Jon Arbuckle: Think you can hold a basket of flowers?
Prince XII: Enough of the grooming, you dunce. My subjects face mortal jeopardy. (to Odie) Dog, approach. We must plan my escape, and I'm relying on your expedience and cunning. (Odie chases his tail) Okey-dokey. New plan. 
[?]
Garfield: Call my pumpkin, windbag. I'm ready to roll.
Winston: Roll? Where to?
Garfield: You know. To the hotel. To Jon.
Winston: Your master? The one who's leaving you for his new wife?
Garfield: He's not leaving me. It's more of a temporary insanity thing.
Winston: Garfield, your master's started a new life. It's time for you to begin yours. Come on. I want to show you something.
[They walk down the halls.]
Winston: Do you have any idea what runs through your veins?
Garfield: Yesterday's dinner, I guess.
Winston: Royal blood, sire. You are the long-lost heir to the Carlyle throne.
Garfield: (chuckles) You kill me.
[He shows them portraits of his ancestors with royal people. One of the royal people resembles Jim Davis.]
Winston: These are your ancestors dating back 400 years.
Garfield: Mine? Wow. Like, I'm a royal cat?
Winston: Of course. And anything you need is only a flick of your tail away.
Garfield: A flick of my tail? So if I said, "Drool on your foot"...
[Winston does so.]
Garfield: Not bad. How about, "Roll over and whistle Dixie"?
[Winston obeys his order.]
Winston: How's that?
Garfield: Nice. All right, tough one. Jump up and touch the ceiling.
[Winston stretches up.]
Winston: How's that, sire?
Garfield: You don't get up there too high, do you?
[The dog takes Garfield to his bedroom.]
Winston: I give you your royal bedchamber.
Garfield: I could do some snoozing here, yeah. Even a king needs a catnap. (bounces on the bedchamber) Get up! Get down. Get up! This baby is spring-loaded. Why do you think they call me-- Highness?
[He bounces far up.]
Winston: You all right? Sire?
[Garfield lands back down and sees a rope hanging by.]
Garfield: The royal trapeze?
Winston: That is how you ring, sire. You pull it when you require something.
[?]
Garfield: And what is that?
Winston: Your playhouse.
Garfield: I needed a playhouse. I've got a house inside of a house. 
[He tries to enter, though he gets stuck in the entrance.]
Garfield: Does this castle make my butt look too big?
Winston: Fits you like a glove.
[Garfield farts as he enters.]
Winston: Blimey.
Garfield: Pardon.
Winston: Well struck, sire. Good tone. Smooth finish.
Garfield: Well, you took that in the best spirit.
Winston: Shall we have a look at the kitchen?
Garfield: Did I hear you say "the kitchen"?
[?]
Winston: Here we are. I present your cookery.
Garfield: All mine?
Winston: Every morsel, down to the last crumb.
Garfield: Okay, all right. You can just call me "Your Highness."
[?]
Garfield: (sings) Moving on up.
Animals: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) To a castle.
Animals: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) With lots of servants all doing my will. I got me a life.
Ducks: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) Without hassle.
Ducks: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) Sir Garfield is the king of the hill.
[?]
Garfield: (sings) I sleep on a bed that's real fluffy. I eat from a plate made of gold. They feed me until I get stuffy. My pasta never gets cold.
[?]
Garfield: (sings) All of my devoted subjects. They know it's all about me. Folks are so loyal to this cat who is royal. They call me Your Majesty. Moving on up.
Garfield Paintings: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) To a castle.
Garfield Paintings: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) With lots of servants all doing my will. I got me a life. 
Chorus: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) Without hassle.
Chorus: (singing) Moving on up.
Garfield: (sings) Sir Garfield is the king of the hill.
[?]
Garfield: Yeah, you can just drop that anywhere.
[?]
Garfield: I'll give it to you straight. It's disappointing. Your doughnuts are dry and don't have holes, and your coffee's so weak, it looks like tea.
[?]
Lord Dargis: I don't suppose, Miss Westminster, you could find time in your busy life for a wealthy duke?
Miss Westminster: Lord Dargis, I'm afraid I'm taken.
Lord Dargis: As I am myself - by you. (laughs) Don't mind me. I'm just an incorrigible old...
[?]
Lord Dargis: Cat!
Miss Westminster: What?
Lord Dargis: Nothing, nothing. Nothing at all. Gosh, is that the time already? Time, I've always said, flies like an arrow. Don't be afraid to just show up and bring some of those lovely investors. We'll throw a party. Cheerio.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Smithee. Did I see Prince in here?
Smithee: Isn't it remarkable? I found him wandering the streets of London as I left Willoughby's.
Lord Dargis: Indeed? Extraordinary. And where is the little fiend... fellow at the moment?
Smithee: I'm sure I don't know, sir.
Lord Dargis: Well, I'll maybe take a little look-see. Make him welcome.
Smithee: Yes, sir.
[?]
Garfield: Look at this room, for example. How would you liven this place up?
Winston: But, sire, this castle is centuries old.
Garfield: It's a museum. It's boring. And you know what's missing when your crib is a museum? It's called fun.
Winston: Fun?
Garfield: It's not that hard. You gotta get a running start at something this dull.
[?]
Winston: This is going to end so badly.
[?]
Garfield: It was already cracked.
Winston: Nothing escapes you, does it, sire?
Garfield: Yeah, I like the way this feels. You gotta slide, baby.
[?]
Winston: Don't worry about it. That one was cracked as well.
Garfield: I can relax. Oops.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Smithee! Get this thing off of me!
Garfield: Let's go try another room.
Winston: Good idea, sire.
[?]
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) I've got the deed and the paperwork in order and contacted the solicitors. We'll be out there on Monday.
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Monday? But I need more time.
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) More time? More time for what?
[Dargis throws darts at the portrait of Prince XII, trying to hit his face.]
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Nothing. That'll be fine.
Mr. Hobbs: (on phone) We'll be there Monday unless, by some miracle, Prince returns.
Lord Dargis: (on phone) We can only hope, Mr. Hobbs.
[?]
Winston: What's the news?
McBunny: Dargis is sure to make a move on the cat.
Eenie: The solicitors will be here Monday.
Winston: Right. Good work.
[?]
Garfield: Careful. That's high-grade American cardboard you're tossing around. Beautiful, fellas. Hang the plasma right over the Slip 'N' Slide.
Winston: Sire, a word?
Garfield: Jowls, my man. Guess what your enlightened, all-powerful ruler has brought to the castle.
Preston: I can't wait to hear this.
Winston: Don't tell me. A Renaissance painting.
Garfield: Foosball. You know? Foosball.
Winston: Foosball?
Preston: What does he think this is? A pub?
Garfield: Just 'cause we don't have opposable thumbs doesn't mean we don't play bar games.
Winston: Yes, sire, but I feel your life is in danger.
Garfield: Listen, Winnebago - if I may call you that. When history speaks of me, and she will, I want to be remembered as the Party Prince.
Winston: As you wish.
[Later, the farm animals have a meeting about Garfield’s behavior.]
Nigel: You chaps know me. I'm no snob, right? But this cat is too much.
Preston: He's an embarrassment to our way of life.
Nigel: He's a disgrace to the furry race. "My pillow isn't soft enough. My TV remote won't work."
Winston: Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain in the neck, but we've just got to keep him safe till Monday.
[The ducks sound off the royal fanfare.]
Garfield: Yeah. My loyal and fragrant subjects. Please. Thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. I just hate 'em. Therefore I decree, from this day forward, there'll be no more Mondays.
Animals: What?
Garfield: Got it? Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
Christophe: I think he's lost it.
Winston: Like I said, we've just got to keep him safe till Tuesday.
[Meanwhile, outside, Dargis approaches a rottweiler named Rommel.]
Lord Dargis: Hello, Rommel. I have a present for you. (holds up a pillow) Prince's favorite pillow. (Rommel sniffs the pillow) Sniffy, sniffy, Rommel. Sniffy, sniffy. Bad pillow. Kill kitty. Kill kitty.
[The dog proceeds to rip at the pillow with his teeth.]
Lord Dargis: What a clever boy. Eat the cat. Yum, yum, yum.
[Soon, the Rottweiler was finished tearing the pillow apart.]
Lord Dargis: I think you're ready.
[The barn animals see Dargis and Rommel heading into the castle.]
Bolero: Here comes trouble.
Lord Dargis: Eat the pussycat. Good chap.
Claudius: Operation Feline Protection under way.
Nigel: I'm on it.
[Inside, Dargis "accidentally" unleashes Rommel.]
Lord Dargis: Oops. Bon appétit.
[Rommel enters Prince's room to search for the royal cat.]
Rommel: Here, kitty, kitty. Come to Rommel. Where are you, my little furry friend?
[?]
Winston: Hello, Rommel.
Rommel: Eat kitty.
Winston: No, no kitty, Rommel, but we have something better to chew on.
Rommel: No kitty?
Winston: That's right, no kitty. Bring Lord Dargis's new trousers, please.
McBunny: Pig, the trousers.
[A pig brings in some trousers.]
Rommel: Trousers.
Winston: Thank you, Sam. And now, Rommel, how about a nice tug of war?
[?]
Nigel: Lord Dargis better watch out next time Rommel's on the loose.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Hello, Smithee.
Smithee: You're in good spirits today, sir.
Lord Dargis: Yes. For some reason, I feel a great burden has been lifted.
Smithee: A burden, sir?
Lord Dargis: What do you make of my new suit, Smithee?
Smithee: Very smart, sir.
Lord Dargis: Smithee, I've invited Miss Westminster for tea on Monday and it's extremely important she feel welcome. Bring up a bottle of the very best champagne and set out the Prince Royal china. Silver service. You know the type of thing.
Smithee: Very good, sir.
[?]
Rommel: Trousers.
[?]
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Yes, I'd like to speak to Miss Westminster, please. (sees Rommel) Hello, Rommel. Did we enjoy our little snack, then?
Rommel: Trousers?
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Miss Westminster.
Rommel: Trousers!
Lord Dargis: (on phone) Would you like to pop over and have...
[?]
Liz Wilson: Isn't this fantastic?
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah.
Waitress: Who ordered the pasta?
Liz Wilson: It's for the kitty.
[She serves lasagna to Prince.]
Prince XII: Good Lord. What gruel is this? (Odie barks) Quite right, old boy. They must have given me yours.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, since when do you say no to lasagna?
Prince XII: You do realize I'm a cat, don't you, sir?
Liz Wilson: He doesn't seem himself.
Jon Arbuckle: He's probably jet-lagged.
Prince XII: I suppose I should probably force down a bite or two to keep up my strength. (tastes it) It does have a unique texture.
Jon Arbuckle: So, Liz, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been kind of anxious to...
[?]
Liz Wilson: Why am I clapping? I'm sorry. What were you saying?
Prince XII: Spot on. Never have I tasted its equal.
He dunks his head into the lasagna.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, that's gross.
Prince XII: (holds up the plate) Please, sir, may I have some more?
[?]
Garfield: Does a Great Dane live here?
Winston: It's a Carlyle log, my lord. A savory of liver and spleen, served in a sleeve of sheep's intestines.
Garfield: And you're supposed to eat it? What is this? FearFactor? Intestines, spleen… I'm the king, right?
Winston: Prince, actually.
Garfield: Same difference. I rule, yes?
Winston: Yes, Your Highness.
Garfield: Great. Then feed this to the humans and just bring me a piping hot dish of lasagna, OK?
Winston: I'll see to it at once, sire.
[?]
Winston: Now it says we add the ricotta cheese. Ducks, you're supposed to sift the flour, not sit in it.
Eenie: Don't yell at us. We're not the ones who drank all the cooking sherry.
[?]
Nigel: (sings) Oh, the female ferrets sing this song Nigel! Ooh! Nigel! Ha! The female ferrets can't be wrong...
[?]
McBunny: Carrots make everything better, and it can't hurt lasagna.
[?]
Garfield: What the heck is...? (an egg splats near him) That was close.
[?]
Winston: Slip in the eggs, ooze in the tomatoes, now stir the whole thing up. Let the bowl sizzle. No, sizzle. You know.
Garfield: Okay. Hold it right here, all you animals. What goes on here, Winston?
Winston: We're preparing the royal lasagna, sire. Unless you'd prefer another dish.
Garfield: Did you say "dish"? Lasagna's not a "dish," windbag. It's a way of life, a state of being, man's one perfect achievement. What did the Indians serve to the Pilgrims? Lasagna. What did Marie Antoinette scream to the rabble? "Let them eat lasagna." What did Neil Armstrong say when he landed on the moon? "That's one small slice of lasagna. " It's not a dish. It's the stuff of dreams. It's the food of the gods. It's what's for lunch.
Winston: Yeah, well, the problem is it seems we've mucked it up.
Garfield: You just need a little guidance, that's all.
[?]
Garfield: Where's the flour? Who's got it?
[?]
Garfield: I need a mixing bowl.
Winston: One large mixing bowl.
Garfield: And someone to mix it. (a goat tips over the bag) Thank you.
Winston: (coughs) Much obliged.
[?] 
Garfield: Cheba, did you remember to wash your hooves?
[?] 
Garfield: Ladies. Thank you so much.
[?] 
Garfield: Strike. Strike. A little outside.
[?]
Garfield: Step on it, will you? I need that dough.
[?]
Garfield: Yeah. We'll need about a half a pound of this.
[?]
Preston: What are barnyard animals doing in the kitchen? Leave at once. This is completely against my health code.
Garfield: Getting hot. Turn on the fan, somebody.
Preston: What are you doing? Get away from there.
[?]
Garfield: (offscreen) Sorry.
[?]
Garfield: Proof more accidents happen in the kitchen than any other room in the house. Where did that big ball of dough go? All I see are magnificent ribbons of perfection.
[?]
Garfield: It's lasagna, not shish kebab.
[?]
Garfield: Taste that. Is that too sweet for you?
[?]
Garfield: One time.
[?]
Winston: Here comes the parsley.
[?]
Garfield: All right, bring it in, bring it in. Back, back, back. Good. I need somebody with a hard head.
[?]
Garfield: Thank you.
[?]
Garfield: It's out of our hands now.
[?]
Garfield: Nice bit of cheese.
[?]
?: This lasagna's fabulous.
?: That's a bit of all right, that is.
?: Those Italians got it right, didn't they?
?: Two cheeses.
Winston: That is delicious.
Garfield: Yeah, not bad on short notice.
Winston: It's beautiful.
Garfield: What did I tell you? If you just let me be your king and lead you, all right?
?: Any more?
[They see one more piece of lasagna left.]
?: One more piece.
?: Would anyone mind if I...
?: It's mine.
?: Move.
?: Easy. Hold up a moment.
?: That piece has Nigel's name on it.
?: I said it's mine.
?: Get your paws off it.
[The animals fight over the last piece.]
Garfield: Please. I command you. Leave room for dessert.
[?]
Darts Announcer: (on TV) Wants the bull now. Half an inch adjustment from his last shot. Nearly.
Prince XII: Heavens, I fear there was something urgent to which I was supposed to attend, and yet I can't for the life of me begin to recall what it was.
[?]
Liz Wilson: You really like it?
Jon Arbuckle: I do. It's great. Thank you.
Liz Wilson: Let me see. I gotta go.
Jon Arbuckle: Are you sure I can't go with you to this castle tour? They won't mind.
Liz Wilson: It's a conservancy function for speakers only. I guess the woman who owned the place was a big animal lover. Hang with the guys. Odie could use a walk and Garfield could use some serious ab work. Anyway, I'll be back soon. Have fun, boys.
[?]
Prince XII: My entire world seems to revolve around napping, television and lasagna. Still, I'm plagued by a vague notion of a duty unfulfilled. Oh, well. Back to sleep. 
[?]
Prince XII: What is it, woof woof? (sees the brochure) "Castles of England"? Good Lord, there it is. Carlyle Castle on the Upper Thames. Brilliant, Odie. All this time I took you for, well, a complete simpleton. Now destiny calls. To the battlements. Sound the horns. For king and country. Farewell, my loyal squire. The legend cont… (stumbles back) What ho.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield?
[?]
Prince XII: Okay, sore bottom, a little disoriented, but undeterred.
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield?
Prince XII: Now, which way's the river? I think this way.
Jon Arbuckle: (offscreen) Garfield.
Prince XII: Sorry, Jon.
[?]
Prince XII: Here it is. Now one needs some kind of conveyance. (sees an oncoming boat) Hello. It's an awfully long way down, but I must, and I shall, and I...
[?]
Lord Dargis: Well, Miss Westminster, I have the papers all drawn up. We need only sign them and it's on to the groundbreaking.
Miss Westminster: Wonderful. I'd like to move forward as soon as possible.
Lord Dargis: Just think - bulldozers, paving machines, busily transforming this dump into beautiful luxury condos. You and I striding through centuries of dust like giants, surveying our emerging empire. Two proud parents. I'll just check on Smithee, see if tea is ready.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Filthy monsters!
[?]
Lord Dargis: Come back here, you smelly creature! Come here!
[?]
McBunny: Pigs, mark your man!
[?]
Lord Dargis: Come here, you smelly individual!
[?]
Garfield: You know what? I got two words for that guy: "You're fired."
Winston: If only it were that simple, sire.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Swine.
Smithee: Is there a problem, sir?
Lord Dargis: There's a bull drinking my champagne, the pool's full of wild animals, and a pig tried to kill me. Yes, I would say there was a problem.
Smithee: I'll tend to it, sir.
Lord Dargis: You'll tend to it immediately. And we'll have tea indoors. Do you think you could handle that? Thank you. Good chap.
[?]
Miss Westminster: Has there been an accident?
Smithee: I'm afraid tea will have to wait till later.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: He's about ½ pounds, orange fur - more like a burnt sienna - and he answers to the name Garfield.
Cop: Okay. Well, fortunately Scotland Yard isn't very busy this week, so we'll put together a task force of our best men and turn all our resources and attention towards finding your fat cat.
Jon Arbuckle: Really?
Cop: No.
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Odie.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Now, Rommel, it's really quite simple. Me, Prince. Prince, me. Provider of food, food.
Rommel: All right, guv'nor.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Yum yum. Kill.
Rommel: Kitty!
[?]
Lord Dargis: Attaboy, Rommel. There you go. Well done. That's the spirit.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Bad boy. Bad boy. Come on, get along.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Smithee. How are you? Do me a favor. Have that polished. There's a good chap. What's on your mind, Smithee?
Smithee: Mr. Hobbs' office called. Are the solicitors convening again, sir?
Lord Dargis: It's nothing at all, Smithee. Papers to sign, you know. Boring. Incidentally, when did you last have a holiday, Smithee?
Smithee: Holiday, sir? I can't remember.
Lord Dargis: Seriously, man? What an embarrassing oversight on my part. I insist you have a week's holiday, starting today.
Smithee: I don't know. I don't think I can...
Lord Dargis: I won't hear a word of it. I can just see you cycling in the Dordogne, fighting the wild boar in Tristan da Cunha. Farewell, wind to your sails and bon voyage, Smithee.
Smithee: Well, then, thank you, sir.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do? How am I supposed to find Garfield? London's really big.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: I don't care about some alien love baby, OK? I'm worried about Garfield.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: Odie, you know what? You're being a real...
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: (reads article) "Lady Eleanor of Carlyle has left her entire estate to her beloved cat, Prince Xll." (realizes) Maybe someone mistook this cat for Garfield. Odie, come on. Come on, buddy.
[?]
Tour Guide: The Venetian crystal chandeliers were commissioned by the third Earl of Carlyle in the late 18th century. Over here we have several family portraits painted by the Dutch master, Van Dyck. These are amongst the many treasures to be found at Carlyle.
[?]
Garfield: (sings) Rule Britannia. Britannia catches waves.
[?]
Preston: (offscreen) Hogwash. I tell you, this cat is mocking us at every turn.
Winston: (offscreen) Preston, calm yourself. We're only doing what is best for everybody.
Preston: (offscreen) How much longer must we sustain this charade?
[?]
Preston: I can't believe this cat is so stupid as to think he's actually royalty.
Winston: Well, he does, and, house cat or not, we need him.
Garfield: House cat?
Winston: Just have a little patience.
Preston: Patience? Admit it, Winston. This buffoon couldn't groom the paws of a real king.
Garfield: Buffoon?
[?]
Garfield: Golly, this is without a doubt my all-time crummiest moment.
[?]
Garfield: Jon. Man, I've been such a stupid, selfish cat. I've lost my friend. I gotta find him.
[?]
Tour Guide: The original medieval kitchen has stood on this site since 1485.
Lord Dargis: Yes, it's big, it's old and it's musty.
Tour Guide: Lord Dargis, please meet the tour group from the Royal Animal Conservancy.
Lord Dargis: By all means, save the little darlings. That's my motto. Big fan of Free Willy, Born Free, all the Free movies. Bravo. Now, off you go.
Tour Guide: If you come this way, we'll visit some of the underground passages.
Dargis notices Liz in the tour group and takes an instant liking to her.
Lord Dargis: Hello. Welcome to Carlyle Castle, my dear.
Liz: Thank you. It's--it's beautiful.
Lord Dargis: (refers to her dress) Well, that makes two of you. Did I mention how much I abhor fox hunting, unless, of course, in self-defense.
Liz: Bye.
[Liz tries to walk away, but Dargis walks up to her and puts his hand around her waist.]
Lord Dargis: If I may... Uh, one question, uh...?
Liz: Liz.
Lord Dargis: Ah, the same as our own dear queen. (offers her a drink) Cordial? One question, Liz?
[Garfield walks past sadly and overhears Dargis talking to Liz.]
Garfield: Liz?
Lord Dargis: What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings to your conservancy?
Liz: Um... Thank you?
Lord Dargis: Mm! But how would you say it?
[Garfield doesn't like seeing Dargis flirting with his owner's girlfriend.]
Garfield: That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz.
Lord Dargis: Perhaps you would consider dining with me at the castle tonight?
Garfield: Nobody hits on my best friend’s girlfriend and succeeds. (to Dargis) Yoo-hoo! Mr. Piñata Head!
Lord Dargis: You!
[The cat runs off.]
Liz Wilson: Me?
Lord Dargis: (to Liz) Excuse me for one moment.
Liz Wilson: Sure, but...
Lord Dargis: Mi castle es su castle.
[He chases after Garfield before grabbing him in a bag.]
Lord Dargis: Your nine lives are up!
[The doorbell rings.]
Lord Dargis: No. No, not now. Good Lord. Do these people never sleep? 
Garfield: (in the bag) Why now?
[He answers the door to see the solicitors.]
Lord Dargis: Mr. Hobbs. Punctual as usual. Just taking out the rubbish. Won't be a jiffy.
[He closes the door.]
Garfield: (in the bag) Please. Okay, you got me. You are so stupid.
[Dargis walks toward the dungeon.]
Lord Dargis: Dungeon.
Garfield: (in the bag) I'm just a cat. (weeps) Please. I'm so weak. And you're so strong. So powerful.
[He throws the cat in a jail cell.]
Garfield: You creep!
Lord Dargis: There's more than one way to skin a royal cat.
Garfield: I'm not a royal cat. I'm a self-centered house cat. Wait. Wait. What? You think I'm gonna crack in here? No. This is gonna be a treat. I'm finally gonna have some quality alone time. I'm gonna write that novel I've been putting off. I'm gonna learn a couple of languages and start a new work-out regimen. I'm gonna lose all this, get myself in top physical condition. Thank you. Yeah. I love it here. You've done me an enormous favor. Who's laughing now?
[He laughs before turning sad. Cut to Prince climbing up a brick wall.]
Prince XII: It's nice to get away from the urban sprawl. (reads a nearby sign) Carlyle, 28 miles. (a truck drives by) Going my way? (leaps onto the truck) Piece of cake, really.
[?]
Jon Arbuckle: So we make a left up ahead. (Odie barks) Right turn. Thanks, buddy.
[?]
Lord Dargis: I'm afraid there's just no sign of him.
Mr. Hobbs: Really? Well, then, let's make it official.
Lord Dargis: Well, if we must, we must.
[Back with Garfield…]
Garfield: Then there's the time I got hit by that car, and that time that I ate that six-day-old halibut. That's only seven lives. I got two more. All right. I'm gonna get out of this.
[?]
Garfield: Bingo.
Claudius: Winston and I have come to your rescue.
Garfield: Took you long enough. Did you hear my stomach growling?
Claudius: No, but we heard your tiresome monologue. Bad halibut indeed.
[?]
Winston: Let's get you out of here, Your Highness.
Garfield: Winster.
Winston: The solicitors are here. We have to move quickly. Then we luncheon, Your Royal Highness.
Garfield: Yeah, you can drop that shtick, drool boy. I heard you and the bird. How about the "house cat" part? I love that.
Winston: All right, all right, so we weren't exactly honest. We had to do it. What would you have done?
Garfield: Save your breath, chubby cheeks. I shall abdicate my throne and return to my TV chair.
Winston: You were our only hope.
Garfield: The only hope of the hopeless.
[?]
Garfield: What do they want - blood? I've been eating and sleeping my heart out for these animals. Still not enough. Like I'm not as good as a royal cat could be?
[?]
Garfield: Aha! I so knew you weren't me.
Prince XII: And you must be Garfield.
Garfield: How do you know my name?
Prince XII: I've lived your life for the past few days. Yes, if ever a man loved a cat, it's your Jon. Return to him, Garfield. Return to your home.
Garfield: Your Highness, you don't have to tell me twice. Bye-bye.
[The other animals are happy to see Prince again.]
Winston: Sire, thank heavens. You've returned. Thank heavens.
Preston: It's the real Prince, the genuine article.
Prince XII: Yes, my friends. I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So, Winny, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to?
Winston: He intends to level our homes and kill us all.
Prince XII: Okay. Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door.
Garfield: Oh, boy.
Nigel: That was inspirational.
Bolero: Brilliant.
McBunny: I am so fired up.
Garfield: I have to believe we can do better.
Preston: I thought you were leaving.
Garfield: Button the beak, Froot Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies?
Meenie: Well, generally, we run from them.
Garfield: No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beasts can bake a two-cheese lasagna, you can beat Dargis.
Preston: Well, do you have a plan, Garfield?
Garfield: Tell you what. For the duration of this battle, I would prefer to be called G-Cat, and we have two plans.
Prince XII: Teamwork. Yes.
[At the front of the castle, Garfield taunts Rommel.]
Garfield: Hey, girlie dog. Yeah, you, girlie girl. You're such a silly, sissy dog.
Rommel goes after Garfield.
Garfield: Go. Go!
Prince XII: The game's afoot.
[As Prince XII goes into the castle, Rommel chases Garfield through the topiary garden.]
Garfield: Sissy, silly dog. You don't move so good, bozo.
[Garfield disappears from the dog’s sight.]
Rommel: Here, kitty, kitty.
[Rommel looks around for the cat.]
Garfield: Mr. Stinky Dog.
[Garfield is seen on top of Bolero.]
Garfield: Hey, loco.
Rommel: Oh, no. Run away!
[He runs away as Bolero runs after him. Inside the castle…]
Lord Dargis: The loss of Prince XII. I'm not quite sure any of us will ever get over it. Prince and Carlyle Court were one. Sometimes it's almost as if his spirit were still…
[He sees Prince’s shadow walking by and turns around but finds nothing.]
Mr. Hobbs: His spirit's still what?
Lord Dargis: Still roaming the grounds. 
[Then, he sees Garfield walking by.]
Lord Dargis: I wonder if you could excuse me for a little while. Do you hear running water? I won't be long.
[He leaves the room.]
Mrs. Whitney: He's a bit of a tool, don't you think?
[?]
Lord Dargis: Yes?
Miss Westminster: Lord Dargis. Am I early?
Lord Dargis: Only just, Miss Westminster. Only just. Please, please, please. I was just finishing something up. I wonder if you'd like to wait in the library.
Miss Westminster: Okay.
Lord Dargis: Make yourself at home. Have a seat.
Miss Westminster: Thank you.
[?]
Prince XII: Tally-ho.
Lord Dargis: On the other hand, this simply won't do. Smithee's been painting again.
Miss Westminster: I can't smell anything.
[?]
Lord Dargis: You never can. Next thing you know, you're salsa dancing in your knickers.
Miss Westminster: What?
Lord Dargis: I won't be long.
[?]
Mr. Hobbs: Mr. Dargis, will we be starting sometime today?
Lord Dargis: Absolutely, Mr. Hobbs.
[?]
Prince XII: Hello again.
[?]
Mrs. Whitney: What's the matter?
Lord Dargis: Matter with what?
Mrs. Whitney: You screamed.
Lord Dargis: No, I didn't. Why don't you adjourn to my study? And I'll retrieve the papers.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Where are you, you red-headed devil?
[?]
Garfield: Yoo-hoo! Mr. Fancy Pants!
Lord Dargis: Wait till I get my hands on you!
[?]
Nigel: Bring it on!
[?]
Garfield: Dargis. I got two words for yous: me yow.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Come here, you!
[?]
Garfield: No, you won't do. I specifically requested a feline masseuse.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Somebody get this thing off of me!
[?]
Garfield: Hey, bozo. Yeah, you, buster.
[?]
Lord Dargis: Stupid, red-haired, flea-bitten...
[?]
Miss Westminster: Lord D... What is… What is that?
Lord Dargis: I felt a slight chill. I thought a simple wrap would be just the ticket. There!
Miss Westminster: There what?
Lord Dargis: There is absolutely no reason why you can't have a cool, refreshing drink to make you feel calmer in this steamy weather. Wait in the room.  Stupid cat. Nobody makes an idiot out of me.
[?]
Eeenie: Upsy-daisy.
Meenie: Medic.
Prince XII: Well done, old man.
Garfield: Thank you. Never seen a welcome mat on the way out.
[?]
Garfield: Get your cameras ready, ladies.
Lord Dargis: Come back here, you flea-bitten monster!
[?]
Rommel: Trousers! Trousers!
[?]
McBunny: Target sighted.
Lord Dargis: Shaken him off.
McBunny: Pull!
Nigel: Take that!
[?]
Nigel: And that!
McBunny: Down a bit. Down a bit. Up.
Nigel: Bob's your uncle!
[?]
Lord Dargis: Good Lord! It's a conspiracy!
[Dargis turns to see Rommel coming.]
Lord Dargis: Oh, dear.
Rommel: Trousers!
[Cut to Smithee sitting on a bench.]
Lord Dargis: (offscreen) Smithee!
Jon’s car drives up to Smithee.
Jon Arbuckle: Excuse me. Sir? Is that Carlyle Castle?
Smithee: It is.
Jon Arbuckle: Maybe you can help me. Have you seen a cat that looks like this?
[He shows Smithee a picture of Garfield.]
Smithee: Yes. That's Prince, the cat of Carlyle.
Jon Arbuckle: It's also Garfield, the cat of the cul-de-sac.
Smithee: You mean you have a cat that's Prince's Doppelgänger?
Jon Arbuckle: No. I'm saying they look exactly alike, and there's a chance they may have got mixed up.
Smithee: I see.
[Later, the solicitors enter the room to see Dargis looking disheveled.]
Mr. Hobbs: There you are, man. Good God. What happened to your clothes?
Lord Dargis: Indeed, it's been that kind of day.
Mr. Hobbs: Mr. Dargis, I demand an explanation.
Lord Dargis: I had no choice. The cat just won't die.
Mr. Greene: What did you say?
Lord Dargis: (points his arrow gun at them) You will sign the deeds over to me. Cat or no cat.
Mrs. Whitney: Oh, my.
[Miss Westminster enters the room.]
Miss Westminster: Mr. Hobbs, you were right. Lord Dargis was willing to go to any lengths to get the estate. I can see you're busy. I'm just gonna...
Lord Dargis: (points his gun at him) Young lady. Get over there. Traitoress. You were working with them all along.
[As she joins the solicitors, Jon and Odie arrive at the castle.]
Jon Arbuckle: Odie. Odie, wait for me. Odie.
[Back in the castle...]
Lord Dargis: Get on with it.
[As they're about to sign the contract...]
Prince XII: Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late. Shall I ring for tea?
[The solicitors are surprised to see Prince.]
Mr. Hobbs: It's Prince, and he's alive.
Garfield: I am bushed. All this running-for-my-life stuff. What say we break for lunch, take a quick nap and pick it up later? Sound good?
Lord Dargis: There are two of you little monsters.
Garfield: For those of you keeping score at home, that's 18 lives.
Mr. Hobbs: This is unbelievable. Two cats?
Lord Dargis: No matter. I've plenty of ammunition.
[Suddenly, Odie runs in and bites Dargis in the butt.]
Lord Dargis: (exclaims) Something's biting me!
[He throws his arrow gun away and Jon grabs it.]
Jon Arbuckle: Odie, let him go.
Lord Dargis: Help!
[Odie lets go.]
Lord Dargis: Your lunatic dog just bit my bottom.
[The other solicitors laugh at Dargis.]
Lord Dargis: All right. Well played, you.
[Jon points the gun at Dargis.]
Garfield: Hey, look. It's little Jon.
Prince XII: Good show, old man.
[Dargis backs away.]
Lord Dargis: I'll go quietly.
Liz Wilson: Jon?
Jon Arbuckle: Liz.
Liz Wilson: What's going on?
Lord Dargis: Well, hello, my dear.
Liz Wilson: Hello.
[Dargis grabs a gun and holds Liz captive.]
Lord Dargis: And not a moment too soon.
[Everyone gasps.]
Liz Wilson: Is this a part of the tour?
Jon Arbuckle: Let her go.
Lord Dargis: All in good time. Now, if you'd be so kind.
[Jon lowers his weapon.]
Jon Arbuckle: OK. Stay calm, OK?
Lord Dargis: Mr. Hobbs, the papers, please.
Garfield: I've seen enough. Wanna call your weasel?
Prince XII: Sic him, Nigel.
Nigel: I'm a ferret, and I mean business. Trouser-leg business.
[He crawls up Dargis’s pants.]
Nigel: I'll take a leg, please. On second thoughts, I'll have some white meat.
Lord Dargis: Good Lord! There's a wild animal in my trousers!
[Jon punches out Dargis and Nigel crawls out of the villain’s pants.]
Nigel: Who's next, then?
Garfield: Glass jaw. He can dish it out, but he can't take it.
Liz Wilson: That was amazing. Are you OK?
Jon Arbuckle: Yeah, I never felt better.
Preston: Well done, Garfield. I was rooting for you.
Garfield: Did you hear something?
Prince XII: Yes, one did.
Preston: I'm here to discuss my new position.
[They both smack the macaw with a pillow. Smithee arrives with two cops.]
Smithee: There he is, gentlemen.
[The cops pick up Dargis.]
Cop: Come along. There's a good boy.
Lord Dargis: It was the animals, you know. Plotting, planning, every one of them against me.
Smithee: I assume that will be all, sir?
Lord Dargis: Smithee! He'll vouch for me! Smithee!
[They drag Dargis out while Smithee waves goodbye.]
Prince XII: Odie, thank you. You're a hero and a gentleman.
Liz Wilson: Whoa. There are two Garfields? How can you tell them apart?
Garfield: You forgot imbecile. (kicks Odie off)
Jon and Liz: Garfield.
Jon Arbuckle: Liz, I've been trying to get the courage up to ask you something all week. And...
[He searches around for the ring.]
Jon Arbuckle: Come on. Really?
[Garfield walks up, holding the box in his mouth.]
Garfield: Looking for something?
Jon grabs the ring from his mouth.
Jon Arbuckle: Thanks, pal. (offers the ring to Liz) Liz, will you marry me?
Liz Wilson: Yes.
[They kiss and the others applaud.]
Garfield: You know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's?
Winston: Come on. The coast is clear.
[The animals all burst into the room.]
McBunny: Let's hear it for the cats.
[They all cheer for the two cats. Garfield dances.]
Prince XII: Go, Garfield.
Garfield: That's right. Come on. 
Prince XII: Can you do the Carlyle jig? It goes like this. (does the jig)
Garfield: Can you do this? (does the boogaloo)
Prince XII: Boogaloo. Bust a move, man.
Garfield: No, it's something like this, here.
[The two cats dance. Later, there was a pool party for the animals.]
Prince XII: And so, my loyal subjects, I leave you with a final legacy. Cannonball!
[He jumps into the pool and lands with a big splash.]
Winston: Brilliant party, sire.
Garfield: Yeah, when the going gets tough, the great ones party.
[As the credits roll, the animals continue to party.]
McBunny: Who wants to play Marco Polo?
Pigs: Marco.
Preston: I refuse to partake in this sinful display of hedonism. Those nuts look good.
Nigel: Get a load of this. Bombs away. (jumps into the water)
Christophe: I love this pond.
Meenie: We rule the pool, goosy. Give me some feathers.
[Then, a crown is placed on Garfield’s head.]
Garfield: Watch the ears. Thank you. You're so kind.
[He is handed a turkey leg and prepares to eat it when Odie barks. The dog is wearing a jester hat.]
Garfield: Odie, could you beat it, please?
[He smacks Odie away with the turkey leg.]
Garfield: It's good to be king.
[The movie ends.]
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