Transcripts/Stranger Than Fan Fiction

:[rocks crunching]
:Daring Do: [gasps]
:[ding!]
:[rocks crunching]
:Daring Do: Whoa! [gasping] Oof!
:[ding!]
:[snakes hissing]
:Rainbow Dash: Well, don't stop there! You read, I pack! That's the deal!
:Twilight Sparkle: I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash. I just keep thinking about how much fun you're gonna have at the Daring Do convention. I wish Princess Celestia didn't need my help with the friendship summit in Griffonstone.
:Rainbow Dash: Don't worry. I'll make sure A. K. Yearling signs your book. I can't believe she's gonna be there! She never goes to conventions!
:Twilight Sparkle: [sighs]
:Rainbow Dash: Which, I guess, will be cool for all those other fanponies. But since you and I know A. K. Yearling personally, [hushed] and we know that she's secretly Daring Do herself, [normal] it's no big deal. This convention will be fun, but it's nothing to get too excited about.
:Rainbow Dash: So excited!
:[Daring Do leitmotif plays]
:
:[general chatter]
:Salespony: You look like a pony who'd be up for an all-inclusive one-of-a-kind adventu-cation, where you can get to live the Daring Do experience!
:Rainbow Dash: No thanks. Did that already. Ahhh.
:[hissing]
:Rainbow Dash: This is the...
:Rainbow Dash and Quibble Pants: ...awesomest thing ever!
:Quibble Pants: Now this is something that only a true fan can appreciate.
:Rainbow Dash: They even put the tiles in the right order.
:Quibble Pants: Huh. Good catch. Oh, I'm Quibble Pants. Nice to meet you.
:Rainbow Dash: Rainbow Dash.
:[hoof-bump]
:Rainbow Dash: Nice costume.
:Quibble Pants: You, too.
:Rainbow Dash: Thanks. The hard part was figuring out the right...
:Rainbow Dash and Quibble Pants: ...number of arrow holes.
:Quibble Pants: B-B-Because on page 84 of Sapphire Stone, i-it describes her dodging a, quote, "score of arrows shooting forth from holes in the very walls," unquote, but then on page 107, Daring Do says she, quote, "barely made it past the traps' barrage of arrows," unquote, but clearly, Daring Do is embellishing and the correct number of arrows is...
:Rainbow Dash and Quibble Pants: Twenty! [chuckle]
:[camera clicks]
:Rainbow Dash: [sighs] I am so glad I ran into you. Even though I knew the convention would be totally awesome, it's more fun when you're with someone who really knows Daring Do.
:Quibble Pants: I know what you mean. It's so hard to find a pony who really gets it.
:Rainbow Dash: Hm. That's weird. We've only done stuff from the first trilogy. After lunch, we should probably start working our way back through the other books.
:Quibble Pants: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There are no other books.
:Rainbow Dash: Of course there are. Daring Do and the Trek of the Terrifying Towers, Daring Do and the Many Faces of—
:Quibble Pants: Uh, p-please, please don't. Just don't even mention the titles. I-I'm not saying those books don't exist. I'm saying that I refuse to acknowledge them.
:Rainbow Dash: Why?
:Quibble Pants: 'Cause they're horrible! I mean, there isn't a single thing after Ring of Destiny that is even remotely in the realm of the possible!
:Rainbow Dash: What?! I know for a fact that everything in every one of those books is one hundred percent possible!
:Quibble Pants: Uh, and how could you possibly know that?
:Rainbow Dash: Gyuh, uh, I just... do!
:Quibble Pants: Well, that's a compelling argument.
:Rainbow Dash: Why would you even come to this convention if you hate Daring Do so much?
:Quibble Pants: I don't hate Daring Do. The first series was smart and cool and an amazing nod to old-time serialized adventure books, that somehow manages to be self-reflective and ironic while at the same time celebrating the art form without a hint of cynicism. Which is why I came here to ask A. K. Yearling muzzle-to-muzzle why she sold out and dumbed down the rest of her books into just a series of impossible action sequences!
:Rainbow Dash: Okay, now I know you're crazy. A. K. Yearling is awesome, and every Daring Do book that comes out is better than the last!
:Quibble Pants: Wha... Wow. Okay, yeah, I-I-I'm sorry, but I could never be friends with somepony who's willing to believe impossible stuff is possible as long as Daring Do does it.
:Rainbow Dash: That's okay, because I could never be friends with somepony who's so focused on things being possible that he's willing to turn his back on the coolest hero of all time!
:Quibble Pants: Fine!
:Rainbow Dash: Fine!
:Rainbow Dash: Look, just tell A. K. Yearling that Rainbow Dash is here, and I need her help to convince a know-it-all pony that everything Daring Do's ever done actually happened!
:[beat]
:A. K. Yearling: Rainbow Dash?
:Rainbow Dash: A. K.! I gotta talk to you. It's an emergency!
:A. K. Yearling: [hushed] Not here!
:[door opens, slams]
:A. K. Yearling: [hushed] Now tell me, what's going on? Is it Caballeron? Did you see him?
:Rainbow Dash: What? No. But there is a pony downstairs who thinks everything you've written after the first trilogy is totally unrealistic and terrible. And I need you to help me prove to him that it's all totally possible.
:A. K. Yearling: I've got bigger problems on my hooves than dissatisfied fanponies.
:[amulet clinking]
:Rainbow Dash: Whoa!
:A. K. Yearling: The Amulet of Culiacan, and Caballeron wants it. But the amulet's only a key. [chuckles] The real treasure is hidden in a lost temple. The Seven-Sided Chest of Chicomoztoc. Caballeron wants to sell it to the highest bidder, of course, which is why I need to find it first.
:Rainbow Dash: Yes! Sounds like another awesome Daring Do adventure! But... what are you doing here?
:A. K. Yearling: Since I haven't found the temple yet, it's the safest place for me and the amulet. It's crawling with security, and if I get into trouble...
:[coat flaps]
:Daring Do: ...I can just blend in with all the Daring Do cosplayers.
:Rainbow Dash: How can I help?
:Daring Do: Just keep your eyes out for anything suspicious.
:Rainbow Dash: Got it!
:[whoosh]
:[knocking]
:[door opens]
:Rainbow Dash: Does a pony who only likes your first trilogy qualify as suspicious?
:[beat]
:Rainbow Dash: Heh, just checking.
:[door closes]
:[camera clicks]
:Dr. Caballeron: [sighs] I find all this fanfare around my archenemy... disturbing. [to salespony] I mean, where is the booth for Caballeron?
:[beat]
:Dr. Caballeron: I do not see the likeness. Come, let us find Daring Do and the Amulet of Culiacan. I don't want to spend any more time in this place than I have to!
:[thump]
:Quibble Pants: Well, if it isn't the pony who know impossible things can happen because she just does!
:Rainbow Dash: Ugh! Sorry, Quibble, I've got more important things to do than argue with a pony who thinks awesome means unrealistic.
:[smack]
:Quibble Pants: No, wait! I want to hear more about how you're one hundred percent sure that in Curse of the Jungle Queen, Daring Do could survive a sixty-story drop from the top of a waterfall after sustaining a broken wing in a category-six rapid!
:Rainbow Dash: Ugh! Obviously, her wing wasn't broke— Caballeron!
:Quibble Pants: See, now that's a great character. Solid backstory, good motivations...
:Rainbow Dash: No-no-no-no! Caballeron is right there!
:Quibble Pants: Of course he is. He's also over there, over there... Ooh, ooh, over there, and and over there. Where are you going?
:[door opens]
:Quibble Pants: And we're out here because...?
:Rainbow Dash: Daring Do told me that Caballeron came to this convention to steal the Amulet of Culiacan, and I just saw him and his henchponies come this way!
:Quibble Pants: Okay. I'm gonna head back inside. There's just a little too much crazy out here for the both of us.
:[fwump]
:Rainbow Dash: [gasps]
:[fwump]
:Dr. Caballeron: I do not know what Daring Do is playing at, but if she told you two fanponies of my plan to steal the amulet, you must work for her.
:Rainbow Dash: Caballeron! Hah! What do you have to say now, Quibble?
:Quibble Pants: This was your plan to prove the Daring Do books are realistic? You bought a Daring Do Experience Adventu-cation, really?
:Rainbow Dash: What?! No! Look around us! Henchponies, Caballeron, the jungle it took forever to get to? This is the real deal!
:Quibble Pants: Right. We're actually being held captive by Caballeron. Please! This guy's accent is all over the place! No offense.
:Dr. Caballeron: I...
:Quibble Pants: So what's the setup here? You've... kidnapped us, and taken us to the middle of nowhere because...?
:Dr. Caballeron: The Temple of Chicomoztoc is somewhere in this jungle. When I find it, the Seven-Sided Chest is as good as mine! I just need the Amulet of Culiacan to unlock it.
:Quibble Pants: Uh-huh, and Daring Do has the amulet so you came up with this over-complicated plot to lure her into the jungle and exchange it for us.
:Dr. Caballeron: I wouldn't call it over-complicated, but... yes.
:Quibble Pants: Okay, we're done here. Great work. Seriously, very believable.
:[smacking]
:Quibble Pants: [grunts] Listen, pal, you can keep her money, but I'm not—
:Dr. Caballeron: Going anywhere! You may not approve of my plan, but I'm the mastermind here!
:Quibble Pants: [aside] Debatable...
:Dr. Caballeron: And I say you will remain here until Daring Do comes to rescue you. And if she wants you back in one piece, she will give me the amulet! Tie them up!
:[chains clinking]
:Rainbow Dash: The Griffon's Lock!
:Dr. Caballeron: You know of it? Further proof that you are an agent of Daring Do!
:Quibble Pants: Or an avid reader.
:[chains clinking]
:Dr. Caballeron: And now I will continue my search for the temple. Don't go anywhere. [long, drawn out evil laughter]
:Quibble Pants: Listen, if I pretend to believe this nonsense is real, will you call off the henchpony repertory theater over there?
:Rainbow Dash: They're not gonna listen to me. They abducted us both.
:Quibble Pants: Oh, wow, so you're gonna stick with that script? O-Okay, fine. We're, we're in a Daring Do Adventure. [grunts]
:[clink]
:"Pickpocket": What was that?!
:Quibble Pants: [unconvincingly] Daring Do. Thank goodness. We're over here.
:"Pickpocket": Fan out! We can't let Daring Do rescue these two!
:Rainbow Dash: [straining]
:Quibble Pants: [laughing] All four?! I mean, shouldn't at least one of them stay behind to guard us? Oh, oh, wait, the... No, because then it wouldn't be a terrible Daring Do adventure.
:Rainbow Dash: It doesn't matter. We'll never solve the Griffon's Lock before they get back.
:[click]
:[chains clinking]
:Rainbow Dash: Okay, that was pretty good. Quick, we've gotta get out of here and warn Daring Do!
:Quibble Pants: No way. Just point me to the hotel and you can play fanpony and hunt treasure out here all day long.
:Rainbow Dash: [sighs] Fine. Let's just say this is a Daring Do Adventucation. The only way to get back to the convention is to go through it. So just follow me, and I'll lead you out. Deal?
:Quibble Pants: I... [groans] Fine.
:Rainbow Dash: [under her breath] Maybe if I just leave you in the jungle, it'll convince you.
:Quibble Pants: ...which would make Daring Do left-hoofed, which we know is false, and that is everything that's wrong with Daring Do and the Trek to the Terrifying Tower. Now, the problems with the next book are even— Oh, right. What Daring Do adventure would be complete without the precarious rope bridge?
:[bridge creaking]
:Quibble Pants: Look, I'm all for making things feel as real as possible, but are these Adventu-cation ponies sure this thing is safe?
:Rainbow Dash: Is it too "realistic" for you? Wouldn't want that on a Daring Do adventure, would we?
:Quibble Pants: If this were really a real Daring Do adventure, I'm sure I'd step on the wrong plank at exactly the wrong—
:[wood crunches]
:Quibble Pants: Whoa!
:Rainbow Dash: [straining]
:Quibble Pants: [sighs] Good thing this is all just a pretend adventure. Least we know all of this struggling won't make the bridge fall apart.
:[snap]
:Quibble Pants: You need to get your money back.
:[snap]
:Quibble Pants: [screaming]
:[splashing]
:Quibble Pants: [yelping and screaming]
:Rainbow Dash: Hah! How's that for not possible?
:Quibble Pants: That was... awesome! I-I-I thought we... and then you, and the flying...! Wow, and I was like, "Where are you going?!" A-a-and then you swerved, and I was, I was, I was on the water, and then [devolves into hyperventilating gibberish] Wow!
:Rainbow Dash: Yeah. If you read that in a book, you might even think it was unrealistic.
:Quibble Pants: Okay, I'll give you that one. I mean we could have been done for. [beat] We could have been done for! W-What kind of Adventu-cation is this?! I mean, that's just, that's just bad business! What, what are these ponies thinking?!
:Dr. Caballeron: Right now? We are thinking that we should thank you for escaping. For you have led us directly to the Lost Temple of Chicomoztoc! [laughing]
:Dr. Caballeron: Make sure they are secure this time! We can't have them escaping again.
:Rainbow Dash: [straining] You'll never get away with this!
:Dr. Caballeron: Won't I? You've led me to the temple, and Daring Do is too noble to let harm befall her companions, so the amulet is as good as mine. What? No witty remarks this time about how silly my plan is?
:Quibble Pants: This isn't the official Daring Do Experience Adventu-cation, is it.
:Rainbow Dash: Finally!
:Quibble Pants: It's some cheap knockoff run by a bunch of incompetent ponies that have no idea how to execute this adventure with any level of safety!
:Rainbow Dash: Ugh!
:Quibble Pants: What was that with the bridge?! We were in serious danger! I-I'm reporting you all to... well, I don't know who I'm reporting you to, but it's gonna be somepony important! Oh, and this cut-rate excuse for an "Experience" hasn't proved anything except that I'm right! It has all the hallmarks of a lame Daring Do adventure!
:[mud rushing]
:Rainbow Dash: Uh... Quibble?
:Quibble Pants: No, I'm talking! Generic jungle location – check. Overly complicated villain plot – check. Random coincidences that conveniently get us to the next big set piece – check!
:[stone moving]
:Dr. Caballeron: Watch where you are stepping, you fool!
:Quibble Pants: Listen, buddy, I don't take orders from some second-rate performer who learned acting from the Supervillain School of Bad Accents! The only thing this mess is missing is some giant Ahuizotl wannabe monster, and I have a feeling that would be a bit too much for you bargain-basement adventurers to pull off!
:[mud dripping]
:Quibble Pants: Huh?
:Cipactli: [roars]
:Quibble Pants: Um... you're real. This is real. This is real!
:[click]
:Cipactli: [roars]
:[splash]
:[Daring Do leitmotif plays]
:Daring Do: I told you to warn me of anything suspicious, not run off on an adventure without me!
:Quibble Pants: Wha... Whoa, whoa, y-you're real! You-you-you're friends with her?
:Daring Do: Uh, we'll have to do introductions later. Right now we have to—
:Quibble Pants: G-Get out of here, yes! Thank you!
:Daring Do: Actually, no.
:Quibble Pants: What?!
:Daring Do: We can't leave without the treasure. And we should probably get to it before our friend gets any higher.
:Cipactli: [roars]
:[splash]
:[stone moving]
:Rainbow Dash: Whoa!
:Daring Do: Seven doors, seven locks. One of them leads to the treasure. I'd rather not think about what the others lead to.
:Quibble Pants: Yeah, yeah, the classic "Pony and the Tiger" bit. All you have to do is—
:Rainbow Dash: Um, maybe you should let Daring Do figure it out?
:Quibble Pants: Oh, 'scuse me.
:Daring Do: [scratching chin]
:Quibble Pants: [coughs] Not that one.
:[amulet clinks]
:Quibble Pants: Ehhhhh...
:Daring Do: Is he always like this?
:Rainbow Dash: Yeah. But... he's usually right.
:Daring Do: [sighs] Which lock do you think it is?
:Quibble Pants: Ugh, finally. Look, each door has another door that matches. These two both have Earth ponies fighting serpents. These two have Pegasi fighting griffons. These two have unicorns fighting bears. But this one...
:Daring Do: ...has an Alicorn on it! It's the only one without a match! How did I miss that?
:Quibble Pants: I've been asking myself that ever since book four!
:[rattling]
:Quibble Pants: The Seven-Sided Chest of Chicomoztoc!
:[ding!]
:Quibble Pants: Uh, guys...?
:[water pouring]
:Rainbow Dash: Uh... The way out is totally covered! How are we gonna get out of here?!
:Daring Do: There!
:Quibble Pants: Seriously, do you ever not escape out of the top of a temple?!
:Daring Do: We'll have to carry Mr. Adventure Critic out with us!
:Rainbow Dash: We won't be fast enough! We'll never make it!
:Quibble Pants: Guys! I think Rainbow Dash and I have this covered.
:[splashing]
:[monster roars]
:Quibble Pants: Go around! You can't go over him!
:Daring Do: Go over him?! Are you crazy?!
:Rainbow Dash: If Quibble says go over him, we go over him!
:Cipactli: [roars]
:Quibble Pants: [screams]
:[leaves rustling]
:[birds twittering]
:Quibble Pants: You two are insane!
:Rainbow Dash: You said go over him!
:Quibble Pants: I said go around him!
:Daring Do: [hushed] And I said be quiet!
:Dr. Caballeron: This way! I heard them!
:Quibble Pants: [hushed] Okay, I got it. Let's create a fake treasure out of mud and rocks, give that to Caballeron, and then we—
:Daring Do: [hushed] Not every Daring Do plan has to be super-complicated.
:[rock clinking]
:Dr. Caballeron: Rrrgh! I swear I heard them!
:[wall crumbling]
:Cipactli: [roars]
:Dr. Caballeron and henchponies: [screaming]
:Dr. Caballeron: I'll get you, Daring Dooooo!
:[splash]
:Quibble Pants: Meh. Not particularly original or inspired, but it worked.
:Daring Do: Who were you again?
:Rainbow Dash: He's a fan.
:Daring Do: [unconvinced] Uh-huh. [normal] There's some stairs on the other side of the temple that lead out of the ravine. I suggest you two take them and head west.
:Rainbow Dash: What about you?
:Daring Do: I've gotta get this to a museum. Thanks for your help. I couldn't have done it without you. Both of you.
:[whoosh]
:Rainbow Dash: So...?
:Quibble Pants: So... maybe the later books are slightly more realistic than I gave them credit for. Still don't like them.
:Rainbow Dash: What?! How can you—?!
:Quibble Pants: Wait, hold on. Before we get in another fight, I-I think I finally figured it out! I love the Daring Do that solves puzzles and uses her brain to get out of tough situations, and she did way more of that in the original trilogy! You love the Daring Do that is brave and awesome and comes out on top no matter what the odds!
:Rainbow Dash: Okay...?
:Quibble Pants: And that's okay! We might never agree on what makes Daring Do cool, but you... are definitely cool. I-I mean, the way you saved me on the bridge? Wow! And escaping from the temple... you, Rainbow Dash, are awesome.
:Rainbow Dash: Well... I-I'm not the one who can locate a treasure in half the time Daring Do can! You may have terrible taste in books, but you're pretty awesome yourself. In a brainy, egghead, puzzle-solving kind of way. Heh.
:Quibble Pants: I guess we don't have to agree on everything to get along. Friends?
:Rainbow Dash: Definitely friends.
:Quibble Pants: Uh, do you think A. K. Yearling would consider letting me write the next book? I... I think I can make things way clearer. I mean, for instance, in the second adventure...
:[Quibble continues talking over credits]
:Quibble Pants: ...there's a side character. I don't want to kind of name it right now, because it's sort of this thing that I've already written a lot of fan fiction on. I don't want you to... Not that I'm saying that you would steal it! But I am saying this would totally go along my whole thing about puzzle-solving, except what if each puzzle that was solved, uh, unlocked a new karate move? Think of it that way, right? And I mean I'm kind of a "Yearlite" myself, so I'm sure she'd be open to—
:Rainbow Dash: Uh... Quibble?
:Quibble Pants: Sorry!
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