124347-4-1-2015-0-to-50-tldr

== Content ==
			
April Fools!  Actually, no it isn't.  I don't fool anyone.  And it isn't April yet.
 
Welcome to the Zero to 50 TL;DR.  I'm your host, Stephen Fry, and also a Lopp.  Like everyone else.  Our highly qualified team of professionals have combed through this week's Zero to Fifty where we will make it shorter and expound the critical information.  This TL;DR program aims to always bring you concise, accurate, and useful information.
 
We begin the stream with a selection from Bach's Goldberg Variations and a few songs from Wu Tang's exclusive Once Upon A Time In Shaolin.  It doesn't take long before the stream starts today.  The stream opens with Community and Creative Content Manager Jean-Claude Van Damme alongside Wildstar Community Manager Heidi Klum.  Let's get started.
 
-Van Damme expounds on his deep computer knowledge.  Apparently, even though there was a Windows update, the stream started on time.  He wants to show us the community housing plot.  His Wildstar housing project is coming along.  Heidi Klum says something nice about him.  Van Damme asks for more nice things to be said about him.  No one says anything.  They are in awe of you JC.  Jean-Claude and I are tight like that.
 
-Van Damme would like to level more next week.  He'd level more, but he says he has a full time job managing Wildstar.  Unfortunately, he's addicted to housing.  And crystal meth.
 
-JC tells everyone to head to the PTR to see what's coming down the pipeline for Wildstar.  You get a chance to get early access to the Drop 5 content that way.  Housing apparently needs claws.  Van Damme relates that as soon as you log into the PTR, you can turn to the left to a vendor and become a level 50 and get a bunch of plat to help you on your way.  Heidi gets up to do some modeling for the assembled viewers.  Jean-Claude Van Damme magically becomes Vanna White, and Heidi Klum is replaced by Taylor Swift.
 
-Vanna shows us that the 10 Day Free Trial is ongoing.  Hold your friends at gunpoint, bolt them to their chairs through their bare skin, and force them to log into this website.  Taylor can't wait for you to come, unless you're too busy with housing.  AHAH!  It will allow you to play whether you're a new player or a lapsed player.  Vanna White thanks Phil B for being helpful in the process.  Unfortunately, Phil B is a girl.  Vanna has to make a public apology in the times.
 
-Vanna mentions that Kevin Smith wrote the Deep Dive recently delving into customization.  It goes over the holo wardrobe and vanity pets, of which there will be 54... thousand.  Taylor really thinks you should try out the holo wardrobe!  AHAH!  Vanna thinks you should head on over to the PTR to check it out.
 
-A new Story of Nexus article is up, which covers the discovery of Nexus.  Vanna asks to see the art style... and Taylor shows off her ritual branding which marks her as an initiate to take the rights to become a real Maori warrior.  She is also drooling over an AT-AT.  Vanna talks about the new cover photo for the Facebook page.  She says she wants to use it as her own cover image.  Taylor is SOOO MAD BECAUSE VANNA COPIED HER!  LIKE OH... MY..... GOD!
 
-Shadowblades arrives in the Stream.  To mimic his character voice, Frost is invited back onto the Stream.  Frost smiles at Vanna, and marvels at her Shadowblades impression before really showing her how the voice gets done.  Vanna White angrily rips off Frost's beard.  Frost's Beard went on to form a successful Scandinavian Black Metal band of the same name.
 
-Vanna admires a player's giant Chua-logo tattoo.  Frost asks Vanna to just get her T-shirt logo tattooed on her breast and go topless on the show.  Damnit, Frost, that's horrible!  Wrong!  Although I think we'd have a lot more viewers on the stream.
 
-Vanna mentions the player Keruxiz who is making a model of the Shire on a housing plot.  Unfortunately, that means they will have to travel all the way to Candy Crush to throw the ring into the Crack of Doom.  Frost embarasses himself with the improper use of hip-hop slang.  You don't "front" and "really bring it", Frost.  Jeez, you're unhip.
 
-Vanna logs into the game and is joined by Keith Richards, Kim Il-sung, Scrappy-Doo, and Kevin Bacon (for legal purposes).  Vanna shows off her general store in the player-side of the game.  She also shows off her liquor creator.  Obviously, Vanna hasn't owned a still before (making her the only South Carolina native that never has).  We go inside the store where she can show off her dieting, where we see her sacrificing the innocent and confusing the flesh of the living.  She's also keeping a Skeech hideout under the stairs, making her the only South Carolina native to have a nature preserve on her property.
 
-Vanna goes to church (LIKE AN AMERICAN SHOULD!)  and shows that it is just like an American church, in that it is grey, lifeless, and nondenominational.  You think that's a church Vanna?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Shout out to my guildie Dreiden for his chapel!
 
-Vanna White has become Martha Stewart.  She takes us inside to show us her housing tips.  She recommends having candles everywhere around the house.  They really bring out a sense of home, and can help to illuminate altars to dead pets.  She also lets Kim Il-sung share her bed, because they have similar views on working conditions.  She recommends people get a Frank Lloyd Wright inspired window.  I'm not sure how Frank Lloyd Wright it is.  On a superficial level, maybe, but those windows were always governed by laws of proportion and-
 
BZZZZZT!
 
-....Martha also recommends keeping hidden treasure in a back room, away from guests.  She takes us around to the front, showing us a massive fortress of doom.  Though Martha has a lot of missile launchers on her roof, she's not sure if they're too bulky and would really make the roof feel small and compressed.  Apparently, Martha thinks they're best used against squirrels.  Seems a little overkill, but okay.
 
-Martha also takes us into the control room, where she thinks that big, open spaces are really in vogue right now.  It's a good thing.  However, Martha is about to hit the decor limit.  Which is okay, I hear if you get your decor in before the limit, it won't land you in prison.  She also keeps a giant antique sword in her strategy room.  Because that's not compensating for anything... Martha can't be compensating... if she was a man she would be.... definitely.  It's a good thing Martha likes the luscious ladies.
 
-After a quick trip to the gym, she takes us into a living room for soldiers.  This can be clear from scattering beer petals around the room, to give it that slightly masculine smell.  Martha takes us downstairs to see her secret underground club area.  She says that, when showing the house, it's really important to make sure you don't leave walls out where the potential buyers can see.  Make sure you tuck those away in a drawer somewhere.
 
-Martha Stewart becomes Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Stone Cold Steve Austin, gonna copy transform when he wants!  Stone Cold Steve Austin don't give a damn about your wallpaper!  And if you don't give a damn about the wallpaper, give him a Hell yeah!
 
 
-Stone Cold Steve Austin is given a platinum coin by Kim Il-sung.  This April Fools joke is starting to get a little surreal.  He is then given a ton of money by Keith Richards.  Stone Cold Steve Austin is being paid to take his role in the next Pirates of the Carribean movie, so he can kick that Johnny Depp's skinny ass!  That's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!
 
-Frost says this casino and VIP lounge is very classy.  Frost mentions that maybe Austin should use a pillar.  Stone Cold Steve Austin wonders who suggested that in chat.  Stone Cold Steve Austin, knows that Frost guy, he's full of crap!  He's about to open a can of whoop-ass on this stream!
 
-Stone Cold Steve Austin and Frost light a couple candles in a private room.  What are we missing?  Stone Cold Steve Austin says he'll let you come visit his plot, but don't touch the damn candles!
 
-Frost says, "I hate to say it, but I told you so."  This is pretty obviously an April Fool's joke now.  Frost never hates to say that.  Stone Cold Steve Austin is a housing addict, and he'll return to crate whatever the Hell he wants!
 
-Stone Cold Steve Austin decides to go visit Katia Storekeep's plot, to see her Katikea, her Ikea store.  Stone Cold can't find any beer inside the door and kicks it open.  Katia doesn't need money, and will sell or trade you for anything in her store.  Stone Cold Steve Austin, he wants a graveyard, and he'll bury the Undertaker six feet under, 'cause he said so!  Unfortunately, he doesn't remember Scrappy-Doo's name, even though he had perfect attendance.  Nobody corrects him, though.  Nobody wants to get their ass whooped.
 
-Stone Cold Steve Austin really likes the food court upstairs, also!  He likes having wallpaper textures on the floor!  He likes the toilet!  He's then shot for showing Kim Il-sung on the toilet.  He goes into the most awesome torture chamber.  It's a great torture chamber!  It's.... Stone Cold Steve Austin just walked into a BDSM lounge!  He runs out before anything bad can happen.  Frost stays behind to... cover his exit.  Unfortunately Stone Cold Steve Austin's cheeks can't take it.
 
-Austin starts the Fan Art segment.  Today shows Shaelyn's excellent Chua and Jabbit drawing.  Cole Johnston pressed a Spellslinger icon onto his PC tower in gold leaf, which is ballin'.  Anivel also shows off a great anime dancing Aurin piece.  Send your fan art to fanart@wildstar-online.com and they will feature it on the livestream, the facebook, the community magazine, People Magazine, Time Magazine, Newsweek, and the front page of Taylor Swift's website.
 
-This may be the first time in history Frost can describe Stone Cold Steve Austin as living in blissful, childlike ignorance.  It will be the last thing he does.  Frost succumbs to his gunshot wounds and dies, again, on the stream.  He utters his last words in a last, gasping, dying breath....
 
#torturechamber
 
Well, goodnight on behalf of everyone here tonight: Frost, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vanna White, Taylor Swift, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Alan Davies and I leave you with the immortal words of Calvin Klein...
 
"..........."
 
Goodnight.	
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			Best. Podcast. EVER.	
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Read entire post in Stephen Fry's voice.
 
 
 
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Will now do so a second time, because I love Stephen Fry's voice.	
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{| class="blockquote"
Read entire post in Stephen Fry's voice.
 
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Will now do so a second time, because I love Stephen Fry's voice.
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#notatorturechamber
 
still dying about that.	
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{| class="blockquote"
Read entire post in Stephen Fry's voice.
 
 
 
...
 
 
 
Will now do so a second time, because I love Stephen Fry's voice.
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I'm regretting not opening the stream with:
 
"Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello..... hello and welcome to the 0-5o TL;DR....."
 
But it felt sacrilegious.  I think I'm a bit more of a Frankie Boyle type of presenter, or a Simon Amstell.  I wish I had Fry's class. :(
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