New Squidward Chat season finale

"New Squidward Chat season finale" is an episode of New Squidward Chat.
==Characters==
*New Squidward Chat announcer
*Squidward Q. Tentacles
*
*Boris Johnson
*Jacob Rees-Mogg
*Hoopla
*Darwin Watterson
*Gumball Watterson
*
*
*
*Rishi Sunak (mentioned, flashback)
*Journalist
*Eugene H. Krabs
*Uncle Grandpa
*Mr. Gus (mentioned)
*
* (cameo)
* (cameo)
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Elmo 3V announcer
*Johnny
*Lisa
*
*
*Steven
*Peter (mentioned)
* (mentioned)
*Ukrainian soldiers
*Mike
* (mentioned)
*Denny
*Michelle
*Mark
*Claudette
*Harold (mentioned)
* (mentioned)
* (mentioned)
*Unknown person (off-screen)
* (mentioned)
*Unnamed ambassador (mentioned)
*Squidward's toilet
*Patrick Star (flashback)
*Peter Griffin (flashback)
*'Til Death (flashback)
*SpongeBot678 (flashback, mentioned)
*New Squidward Chat producer
* (flashback, mentioned)
*New Squidward Chat director (flashback)
*Sheldon J. Plankton (flashback)
*Two unnamed women (flashback)
* (flashback)
*Police officers
*
*Muscle Man
*Sparro
*Super Grover
*Chris-R
==Transcript==
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... The "New Squidward Chat" season finale! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Today is the season 1 finale and we’re going to be joined by some of our guests from the season to catch up on things. We’re also joined by Seymour Skinner who will be cooking a meal for us all to enjoy.
Seymour: Ah, Squidward Tentacles, welcome! I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!
Squidward: Uh-huh… [doorbell rings] The guests are here!
[Squidward opens the front door, it’s Boris Johnson]
Boris Johnson: HELLO! GOOD EVENING!
Seymour: Ah, former prime minister Boris Johnson, welcome!
[Jacob Rees-Mogg enters]
Seymour: Ah, former business secretary Jacob Rees-Mogg, welcome!
[Hoopla enters]
Hoopla: HOOPLA!
Seymour: Ah, Hoopla the star of Hoopla’s Fantastic Beach, welcome!
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, you don’t need to do that for everyone. [Darwin, Gumball, Ross Geller and Fred Flintstone enter as he’s speaking] Go check on the food. [Seymour gives a thumbs up and leaves]
[Suddenly, Michael Gove appears at the front door]
Squidward: Hello Mr. Gove, we weren’t expecting you!
Michael Gove: Hello.
Squidward: How are you? I’m Squidward from New Squidward Chat!
Michael Gove: Hi, Squidward, hi! Um, will you be able to put me onnn the show for tonight?
Squidward: Err, let me go and have a chat err-
Michael Gove: COULD YOU?!
Squidward: But we- we have got a room over here if you want to come along for a short interview.
Michael Gove: It’s very very kind and I appreciate the offer but what I’d REALLY like to do, if that’s OK, is to just to take part in the show itself. I think it’s only fair if we have a voice for the UK government there as well. 
Squidward: Rishi’s not coming?
Michael Gove: Errr, he can’t at the moment. So, being housing and levelling up secretary-
Squidward: Just two minutes. [Michael Gove leans over Squidward and grabs a glass of water] Are you having my water?
Michael Gove: Yes. [Squidward slams the door]
[Michael Gove is speaking to some journalists outside]
Journalist: They wouldn’t let you in?
Michael Gove: NO! Well, I- I- went along tonight! I wanted to take part in the New Squidward Chat season finale - it’s one of the biggest talk shows in the country! I talked to Squidward and he said “NO”! He does not want a government representative on the show. And that means that the ideas we have, the policies that we have won’t be explored tonight.
[Seymour walks into Squidward’s kitchen, there is smoke coming out of the oven]
Seymour: Oh, egads! My roast is ruined! [looks outside the window, sees the Krusty Krab] But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Hohoho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour. [he’s about to climb out of the window, when Squidward opens the door. A theme song plays.]
Skinner with his crazy explanations,
Squidward Tentacles is gonna need his medication,
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
Squidward: SEEEEEYMOOUUURRR!!!
Seymour: Squidward Tentacles! I was just...uh---just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
Squidward: Why is there smoke coming out of my oven, Seymour?
Seymour: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm, steamed clams!
[Squidward leaves. Seymour climbs out of the window.]
Squidward: Right, is everyone here? I know Mr. Krabs has a reason not to be here.
[cut to Mr. Krabs at the Krusty Krab, he’s on an electronic tag]
Mr. Krabs: Oh… I hope me lawyer can get me out of this one.
[back to Squidward]
Squidward: Everyone else is present right?
[Jacob Rees-Mogg is lying down on the couch, forcing everyone else to stand up]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Uh, I believe someone’s uncle is missing. Or maybe it was a grandpa?
Darwin: We’re missing Uncle Grandpa! [clearly panicking] We need to start a search party for him!
Gumball: Darwin, calm down. He’s probably just running a little late-
[Darwin grabs him]
Darwin: You don’t understand! He might’ve come to serious harm. I knew his friends didn’t seem right. [doorbell rings]
Squidward: That’s probably him now. [he goes to the front door] Hey, good evening Uncle Grand-
[Uncle Grandpa is smoking a cigarette. His clothes are torn and he looks depressed]
Squidward: -pa!
Uncle Grandpa: Good evening… [he slowly walks over to the couch, Rees-Mogg is still lying down] GET UP!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, I do apologise. [he sits up and Uncle Grandpa sits down]
Squidward: What happened to you, Uncle Grandpa? You look depressed.
Uncle Grandpa: Oh, I’m sorry Squidward. Life’s been tough since the death of Mr. Gus. 
Squidward: Mr. Gus- didn’t he die in January?
Uncle Grandpa: I know. I still can’t believe he’s gone. [starts crying]
Squidward: I’m- I’m sorry. Don’t you have other friends you can talk to?
Uncle Grandpa: They all stopped being friends with me.
Squidward: Oh. What about the RV, do you still have that? You could start up a new business to distract yoursel-
Uncle Grandpa: I lost the RV.
Squidward: Oh.
Uncle Grandpa: I sold it for drug money.
Squidward: Drug money- [notices white powder on Uncle Grandpa’s nose] when did you last take cocaine?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: ME?!
Squidward: No, not you. Uncle Grandpa.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, I was about to say when did YOU last take cocaine?
Uncle Grandpa: Well. I think it… Must’ve been breakfast.
Squidward: Ah, right… [Uncle Grandpa lights another cigarette]
Darwin: None of this would’ve happened if Gumball’s party wasn’t in power.
Gumball: What are you talking about? Uncle Grandpa doesn’t even live in SpongeBotland.
Darwin: You’ve made it easier for people to purchase drugs.
Gumball: If we made all drugs illegal then it’d go underground and be even more dangerous.
Darwin: Drugs are unsafe!
Gumball: I know that-
Fred: Kids, kids, why don’t we settle this with a Winston break?
Squidward: Oh God.
[Barney suddenly appears]
Barney: Winston packs rich tobacco specially selected and specially processed-
Squidward: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!
Gumball: The drugs would be more unsafe if the dealers laced them with something.
Darwin: So why don’t you arrest all the drug dealers?
Gumball: Wh- what good is that going to do?
[Former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg also suddenly appears]
Nick Clegg: There are extremists on both sides.
Squidward: How can this get any worse?
[Rachel from Friends enters bursting through the house’s front door]
Rachel: ROSS!
Squidward: Why wasn’t the door locked?
Rachel: [to Ross] Are you crazy?! I am still your wife! What, were you just never gonna tell me?! What the hell is wrong with you?! [starts shaking Squidward’s desk] Ugh, I could just kill you!
Ross: [pause, in a British accent] Well, hello Rachel!
Squidward: I think I made a big mistake.
[Meanwhile at the Krusty Krab, there are no customers. Seymour walks in.]
Mr. Krabs: YIPPEE! [starts dancing to carnival music] SPONGEBOB! WE HAVE A CUSTOMER!
SpongeBob: WE DO?!
Mr. Krabs: That’s right, me boy. Our first customer since January. What can I get you, sir?
Seymour: I’m gonna need… Hmm… [in his head] There’s me, Squidward, Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Hoopla, Darwin, Gumball, Ross Geller, Fred Flintstone and the crew. [out loud] I am gonna need 20 Krabby Patties with fries.
SpongeBob: 20 Krabby Patties? Why would someone need 20 Krabby Patties?
Mr. Krabs: Don’t question it. Start cooking, me boy! [SpongeBob leaves to make the Krabby Patties] That’ll be $30. [Seymour hands him the money]
[cuts to SpongeBob grilling in the kitchen]
SpongeBob: [talking to himself] 20 Krabby Patties?
Fred: [on the Krusty Krab’s TV] Where’s the food we were promised?
Darwin: [on the TV] Yeah, where is it?
Squidward: [on the TV] It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes. Seymour said he was making steamed clams.
SpongeBob: Oh, it’s the New Squidward Chat season finale. [continues grilling]
Squidward: [on the TV] Later today, we’ll be showing some bloopers from this season.
SpongeBob: Bloopers? [flips a Krabby Patty through the ceiling of the Krusty Krab]
[back at the New Squidward Chat set]
Squidward: Now, Hoopla, I don’t think we got to do a proper interview last time-
Hoopla: Oh yeah, you remember how my Tesla cybertruck crashed into a family’s car causing me to be late to the show?
Squidward: [sighs] I wasn’t going to bring it up but yes…
Hoopla: Well, the entire family died. It was all my fault. I was driving way too fast. I got sent to prison for a few months and am now out on parole so I could appear on the show today.
[silence]
Hoopla: HOOPLA!
Uncle Grandpa: At least they’re with Mr. Gus now… [breaks down crying]
Squidward: Uncle Grandpa, I know you’re sad about your friend’s death but…
Uncle Grandpa: [still crying] You know what. You know what, I can’t take this anymore… [gets out a gun]
Squidward: NO! NO, DON’T!
[Test card]
Elmo 3V announcer: We’ll go back to the New Squidward Chat season finale in a few minutes. Before that, here are the latest Elmo News headlines with Johnny.
[Elmo News intro]
Johnny: [talking to someone off-screen] You are lying, I never hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA! [looks at the camera and sits down] Oh hiiii, Viewer! These are the latest headlines from Elmo News! You might remember when the Russian president Vladimir Putin and children commissioner Maria Lvova-Belova were accused by the International Criminal Court of war crimes over illegal deportation of children from the Ukraine. Well our correspondent Steven was in the Ukraine when he saw something. Peter left, now Steven’s like Peter but he’s Steven.
[Vladimir Putin and Maria Lvova-Belova are about to enter a vehicle outside of a Ukrainian orphanage when Elmo News correspondent Steven appears]
Steven: What’s going on here? Why are you doing this?
Maria Lvova-Belova: [responds in Russian]
Translation: We’re saving them from war.
Steven: I don’t believe it.
Vladimir Putin: [responds in Russian]
Translation: You don’t understand anything, man. LEAVE YOUR STUPID COMMENTS IN YOUR POCKET!
[Putin walks off in anger]
Steven: [to Maria] Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to DESTROY Volodymyr Zelenskyy. He’s VERY sensitive!
Maria Lvova-Belova: [responds in Russian]
Translation: I don’t care. We’re saving children from war.
Steven: How can you do this?! You make me SICK!
[end of clip, cuts back to Johnny]
Johnny: Steven later sent us this update from the Ukraine.
[clip of Steven speaking to a group of Ukrainian soldiers]
Steven: So I once had this weird bubble on my leg. Like a boil or something. When I popped it, a bunch of teeny tiny spiders came crawling out of it.
[cuts back to Johnny]
Johnny: Apologies, I think we have the wrong clip there. [speaking to someone] Excuse me, that was the right clip? Haha, you must be kidding aren’t you? That was Steven there with the latest from the War in the Ukraine. Now, for some other news. Let’s go to our correspondent, Mike. Oh hi Mike, what’s new?!
Mike: Uhm, actually, Johnny, I got- I got a little bit of a- tragedy.
Johnny: Uh-huh.
Mike: On my hands, yeah. Madeleine McCann, she’s a- she’s a missing person who disappeared from her bed. Uhhh, in a holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal, [Johnny laughs] uh- on the evening of 3 May 2007, at the age of 3. That’s not the end of the story.
Johnny: Oh, go on! I’m- I’m listening.
Mike: OK, M- Madeleine's whereabouts remain unknown. And, uhm- German prosecutors believe she is dead. You know, Madeleine's disappearance attracted sustained international interest and saturation coverage in the UK.
Johnny: Mm-hm. [Johnny and Mike laugh] I know.
Mike: And in 2020, police in the German city of Braunschweig stated there was a new suspect in Madeleine's disappearance. A convicted sex offender.
Johnny: You must be kidding-
Mike: Yeah I know.
Johnny: I got the picture. That’s life!
[Denny runs in with a football]
Denny: Hey, Johnny! Hey, Mike!
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny!
Denny: You guys want to do some sports news?
Mike: I… Gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.
Johnny: Yeah and I’m waiting on an update from Mark.
[Mark enters]
Mark: Hey Denny, what’s up?
Johnny: Oh hi, Mark. Are you back from the Coronation?
Mark: Yeah, I never ate so much.
[Writer’s note: I wrote this segment on Thursday and had no plans on watching the Coronation.]
Mark: What about you guys?
Denny: [referring to Mike] He was just telling us about a missing toddler.
Mark: Missing toddler? What’s that?
Mike: It’s embarrassing man, I don’t want to get into it.
Mark: Missing toddler? Man, come on! [throws Mike into some bins. Johnny, Mark and Denny try to pick him up while all talking over each other]
Johnny: You OK?!
Denny: Are you OK?!
MIke: I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.
Johnny: Mark, why don’t you take him home?
Denny: See you guys!
[Claudette enters]
Johnny: Oh hi, Claudette! [greets her] How are you?
Claudette: I’m OK, I just came back from the Coronation with Mark, how are you?
Johnny: I’m pretty good. Did you bring anyone else to the Coronation?
Claudette: I didn’t bring anybody. Oh, that jerk, Harold! He wants me to give him a share of my house! That house belongs to me. He has no right! I am not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Johnny: He’s your brother.
Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house! Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me! Now the value of the house is going up, and he’s seeing dollar signs.
Johnny: Claudette, you’re- you’re here to do the weather.
Claudette: You want me to do the weather? Then why bring up the Coronation in the first place?!
Johnny: I don’t know.
Claudette: You don’t know.
Elmo 3V announcer: We're gonna leave Elmo News there and head back to the New Squidward Chat season finale.
[The New Squidward Chat theme plays as it cuts back to Squidward]
Squidward: That was the worst news bulletin I've ever seen. Who picked those guys? Anyway, Uncle Grandpa has left, he’s getting some support. Now then- [a timer pings in the kitchen, Ross jumps up in shock]
Ross: THE STEAMED CLAMS! [he runs off into the kitchen]
Squidward: Can someone check if he’s OK?
Boris Johnson: I’ll do it.
Squidward: Oh- OK? [Boris puts on jogging gear and jogs into the kitchen] Wha-?
[Ross enters with a plate of Krabby Patties and fries]
Ross: STEAMED CLAMS! BE CAREFUL! VERY HOT PLATE! VERY HOT!
Squidward: Ross, you don’t even have oven mitts on!
Ross: [laughs] That is gonna hurt TOMORROW!
[Seymour enters]
Seymour: Squidward, I hope you’re ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers!
Squidward: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Seymour: Oh no, I said “steamed hams”. That's what I call hamburgers.
Squidward: You call hamburgers “steamed hams”?
Seymour: Yes! It's a regional dialect.
Squidward: Uh-huh. Eh, what region?
Seymour: Uhh… Upstate New York. It's an Albany expression.
Squidward: I see.
[they all start eating]
Squidward: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at my part-time place of work, the Krusty Krab.
Seymour: Hohoho, no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
Squidward: [pause] …for steamed hams?
Seymour: Yes!
Squidward: Yes and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Seymour: [stuttering] Y- Uh.. you know, the... One thing I should…
Squidward: Wait, hold on to that thought, where did Boris go? I need to ask him something.
[Boris emerges from the kitchen in casual clothing with cups of tea]
Squidward: Boris do you have a comment on the chair of the BBC, Richard Sharp’s resignation?
Boris Johnson: Will you- will you- will you have a cup of tea?
Squidward: Richard Sharp?
Boris Johnson: Would you like a cup of tea?
Squidward: Yeah, sure?
Boris Johnson: Have a cup of tea.
Squidward: Thank you… thank you… Do you…
Boris Johnson: [getting closer] Would you like a cup of tea?
Squidward: Do you- [the rest of the cast are getting cups of tea]
Boris Johnson: Have a cup of tea.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Thank you very much.
Gumball: Thank you.
Darwin: Thanks!
Hoopla: HOOPLA!
Fred: Just like how Wilma makes it.
Boris Johnson: There you go.
Squidward: Do you regret recommending Richard Sharp?
Boris Johnson: [gets closer again] I want you to have a cup of tea…
Squidward: If I have a cup of tea, will you answer my questions?
Boris Johnson: No. I- I- I’m here solely on a humanitarian mission because you’ve been here allll day. And you have all been incredibly patient, waiting for the food. I feel very sorry for you, ‘cause I have nothing to say about this matter. Except to offer you some TEA.
Squidward: [sighs] Why not? [he gets some tea]
Boris Johnson: Go on.
Squidward: Yeah. [speaking to someone off-screen] Yeah, later. Later.
Someone: Later?
Squidward: Yes!
[Transition to next scene]
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[Back to the same scene. Ross has been drinking.]
Ross: You know that first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
Squidward: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. Now, Jacob, I want to ask you something about the resignation of Dominic Raab. This is what you said when you were last on the show.
[flashback]
Squidward: There's more than a dozen complaints against Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab about bullying allegations. The Liberal Democrats called for him to be suspended during the investigation.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, the Lib Dems have to say things like that otherwise nobody pays any attention to them. I think we've got to be slightly careful about the bullying allegations, we mustn't be too snowflakey about it.
[back to the show]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well now that we have the report, it’s even more snowflakey than I first thought. Before I was just guessing.
Squidward: In the report it says “I heard a good deal of evidence about the [Deputy Prime Minister]’s use of physical gestures in communication. At the most extreme, and which would have been unacceptable, this was put as extending his hand directly out towards another person’s face with a view to making them stop talking.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg: If you’re just across the table you’re inevitability near somebody’s face. Uh, uh, I mean I really think that civil servants, these are really senior civil servants. The main complaint is an ambassador! You can’t intimidate an ambassador, or if you can, the ambassador’s no good. Ambassadors have to have a backbone to represent the country abroad. This is really important. Is our ambassador a complete wet wipe?
Squidward: [laughing, Jacob’s eyes widen] Well, uh, there’s a question. Um. [laughs] Uh, only he can answer, as- as- as to, uhh, his wet wipe nature.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well- well you should get him on in season 2 and you should ask him… Excuse me one second.
Squidward: OK?
[Jacob gets up and goes to Squidward’s bathroom. We hear him groan, the toilet flushes.]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Phew! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days. Or weeks. [he leaves and Squidward’s toilet comes out of the bathroom groaning]
Squidward's toilet: Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery! [he jumps into Squidward's hands, coughing] Have mercy on my soul...! [dies]
[long pause]
Squidward: Well. That’s almost it for this episode of New Squidward Chat. Before we go, we have a compilation of some bloopers from the season. These moments are funny and to prove they are, the producers added laugh tracks to the clips so you know when to laugh.
[compilation starts]
[the camera is on a picture of Squidward smoking]
Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. [he puts his hand in front of the picture] I'm over here! [the camera zooms onto him, laugh track]
[next clip]
[the New Squidward Chat theme plays as Squidward shuffles his papers, a gun is shot at a picture on the wall]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: I was just testing it. [laugh track]
[next clip]
[SpongeBob walks on set with Patrick in a cannon]
SpongeBob: The amazing Patrick is going to land right on that target. [camera goes to a target on the wall] Are you ready?!
Patrick: I'm ready!
SpongeBob: 3! 2! 1! Go! [launches Patrick from the cannon] Squidward refused to let us do this stunt at the start of the show because he was afraid we would mess it up. Pfft. What a load of- [glass can be heard shattering]
[brief cut to SpongeBob watching at the Krusty Krab, he looks scared]
[next clip]
Rishi Sunak: Well, we all say silly things when we're students. But I have talked about my background, my family were wealthy- [he stops, a horse suddenly walks onto the set]
[long pause]
Squidward: Peter, the horse is here.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah.
[the horse bangs its head against the wall of the set twice, making a big hole before falling over, another long pause]
Squidward: OK we're going to take a quick break to get the horse off of the set. [laugh track]
[next clip]
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents...
Announcer: "New Darwin Chat"! With your host: Darwin Watterson.
[Darwin is at the desk and Squidward is on the couch, the background is filled with portraits of Darwin]
Squidward: Why is it called "New Darwin Chat"? Shouldn't it be just "Darwin Chat"?
Darwin: No criticizing the regime! [laugh track]
[next clip]
SpongeBob: SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD!
[Squidward is putting one of his shirts on Mr. Krabs in the dressing room]
Squidward: [grossed out] There we are.
Mr. Krabs: [disappointed] Oh… This is gonna cost me a fortune.
[SpongeBob breaks in]
SpongeBob: SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: Wh- Excuse me, one second. [leaves, angrily whispering to SpongeBob] What is it, SpongeBob?!
SpongeBob: [yelling] IT’S PATRICK! HE’S DEAD!
Squidward: What- [covers his mouth] what’s wrong with you?! What are you talking about?!
[cut to SpongeBob and Squidward looking at Patrick’s body from a broken window]
Squidward: How did this happen?!
SpongeBob: So we were doing that cannonball stunt that you told us not to do-
Squidward: WHAT?!
SpongeBob: And he fell through the window and landed on the ground outside. He’s not responding to me-
Squidward: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT STUNT FOR A REASON!
SpongeBob: I KNOW! [crying] What are we going to do?
Squidward: Do you understand? Do you understand? If people hear about this, then that’s it. SpongeBot678 is going to draw the line, no more New Squidward Chat.
SpongeBob: Who the [bleep] is that?
Squidward: What you need to do is take this shovel [hands him a shovel] and bury Patrick’s body. Got it?
SpongeBob: Yes sir! [he leaves] Eww, it's all icky and corpse-y!
[cut back to the set, everyone looks shocked]
Squidward: I… I don’t know what happened there. That was, uh- not a blooper. It was, uhh… Clip from a health and safety exercise! Yeah, that was “what NOT to do when a cast member dies”, of course!
Boris Johnson: I don’t know about that, Squidward. It looks an awful lot like a cover-up-
Squidward: [interrupts him, yelling] AND YOU KNOW AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT COVER-UPS TOO, DON’T YOU?! [Boris looks terrified]
[SpongeBob is still watching at the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!
[he breaks into Mr. Krabs’ office. There is nothing in there whatsoever, it’s just Mr. Krabs standing there.]
SpongeBob: MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS! MR. KRABS!
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?! WHAT’S WRONG, ME BOY?!
SpongeBob: I NEED TO GO ON BREAK!
Mr. Krabs: Oh. Why?
SpongeBob: I DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN!
Mr. Krabs: Oh.. How long will you be gone for?
SpongeBob: I DON’T KNOW!
Mr. Krabs: Well… It’s not like we’re going to have any more customers any time soon. Oh. [SpongeBob is gone] He’s gone.
[back to the set]
Squidward: I’m sorry I shouted at you, Boris.
Boris Johnson: Oh, no, it’s OK.
Squidward: I believe the producer has fixed the problem with the compilation, am I right in thinking that?
Producer: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Squidward: Perfect, so we’re going to try again.
[compilation starts]
[Uncle Grandpa theme song plays, his RV is heard crashing into Squidward's house]
Uncle Grandpa: Yeowch! [he lands into the set which, still damaged from the last episode, falls apart instantly]
[cut to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Oh no, not again! [laugh track]
[next clip]
Squidward: I read in the paper that rhinos can't breed because of Brexit. It's all your fault that the UK doesn't have enough rhinos!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump! [laugh track]
[next clip]
[rap music plays]
Squidward: This isn't happening. [laugh track]
Uncle Grandpa: Yo, yo, yo
I'm a rappin' grandpa
Rappy, rap, rap and a slappity doodah
Dance break!
[starts dancing]
[next clip]
Squidward: Next time we’re interviewing today’s UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. Until then, goodbye!
[the New Squidward Chat theme plays as Squidward shuffles his papers]
Director: Cut!
Plankton: Thanks for the free advertising, sucker! [walks off]
Squidward: That was a disaster. Should never have booked Mr. Krabs as a guest. Whose idea was that?
Director: He asked if he could come on.
Squidward: Was saying “no” too hard? This is just ridiculous.
Director: I’m not sure people will remember it.
Squidward: They will remember this one. Someone got arrested during it, why wouldn’t people remember it?
SpongeBob: [slides in almost motionlessly] Ahh…
Squidward: SpongeBob, couldn’t you at least try to act normal for the rest of this season?
SpongeBob: I can’t…
Squidward: Did you bury Patrick’s body?
SpongeBob: Yes…
Squidward: Then we have nothing to worry about, nobody’s gonna find out what happened.
SpongeBob: I’m scared.
Squidward: [on the set, interrupting] WHAT THE FUCK?!
[once again everyone is shocked, except Ross Geller]
Ross: [laughing] Any1 else find this arrpusingly funny???
Squidward: NO! NO! NOBODY ELSE FINDS THIS ”ARRPUSINGLY FUNNY”!
[another clip plays: Ross appears crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on two women]
Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?
Ross: DANGER!!!
Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women?!
[back to set]
Ross: Oh, come on. You didn’t need to show that.
Squidward: Hahaha.
[yet another clip plays: This one has poor audio quality. SpongeBob walks up to Squidward, visibly distressed about something]
SpongeBob: Squidward, I’m thinking about Patrick again.
Squidward: Oh God, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: I can’t go to prison. Do you know what happens to sponges in prison?
Squidward: [pause] No.
SpongeBob: ME NEITHER! AND I DON’T WANT TO FIND OUT!
Squidward: You know what. Why don’t you take the rest of the season off? Come back in season 2 and we’ll have all forgotten about this.
SpongeBob: Oh, oh, OK. [walks off]
[Squidward sits down behind his desk and begins to put his microphone back on.]
Producer: What’s the plan if the press finds out about that?
Squidward; They won’t find out about it.
Producer: What if they did?
Squidward: It happened like, 8 weeks ago. They would have mentioned it by now, if they knew about it.
[back to the set]
Squidward: Fuck. [puts his head in his hands]
[Seymour enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire]
Seymour: [yawns] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Squidward: Yeah, we should probably- GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!
Seymour: Aurora Borealis?
Squidward: Ah- AURORA BOREALIS?! AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?! AT THIS TIME OF DAY?! IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY?! LOCALISED ENTIRELY WITHIN MY KITCHEN?!
Seymour: Yes.
[pause]
Squidward: May I see it?
Seymour: [thinks] No. [he goes to exit the house when suddenly the entire set is raided by police]
Cop: POLICE!
Squidward: Oh, damn it.
Producer: Seymour, the kitchen is on fire!
Seymour: No, John, it’s just the Northern Lights.
Squidward: John, you planned this all along!
Producer: Hey, you got my name right this time.
Squidward: NO LISTEN TO ME! YOU SET THIS UP FROM THE START! YOU ADDED THAT TO THE COMPILATION ON PURPOSE SO YOU, YOU- YOU COULD TAKE OVER THIS SHOW!
[pause]
Producer: No I didn’t.
Cop: Where’s SpongeBob?
Squidward: I don’t fu-
[cuts to test card]
[back to Elmo News, Johnny is leaning over the desk]
Johnny: Get out. Get out. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! [looks at the camera and sits down] Now, despite some unions accepting the pay deal, NHS strikes could last until Christmas. Joining me now is former GP Dr. Harold Shipman. Oh hi Harold, why are you still striking?
Harold Shipman: Well Johnny, the strikes aren’t just over pay, it’s also about the care we’re giving patients. I mean there have been hundreds of deaths under my care that could’ve been prevented.
Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the EXpert, Harold!
Harold Shipman: [laughing] No, definitely not an expert, Johnny.
Johnny: Alright, Harold. We have to end the interview there because we have some breaking news. Let’s go to our correspondent Muscle Man. Oh hi Muscle Man, what’s new?
[Muscle Man is standing in the middle of a road]
Muscle Man: Yes, the set for the Elmo 3V talk show New Squidward Chat has been raided by police. This is after the producers accidentally played footage that appeared to show Squidward and SpongeBob attempting to cover up information about the death of a cast member on the show, Patrick. Squidward claimed this was just a “health and safety” exercise. [a police car starts to approach to him] Police have also started a search for SpongeBob, who was not at the-
Johnny: MUSCLE MAN, LOOK OUT!
Muscle Man: property at the-. [looks behind him] Oh no, bro! [starts to run, but the police car still somehow manages to crash into another car. Muscle Man screams and runs off.]
[Sparro is watching from the sidewalk]
Sparro: Like whoa.
[back to the Elmo News studio]
Johnny: We appear to have lost Muscle Man there. The police have also issued an arrest warrant for Elmo News presenter Super Grover. He has been under investigation for sexual offences for awhile, they even had a picture of him apparently about to kidnap children. The police have now issued a warrant for his arrest after new evidence surfaced. I’m sorry, but I disagree with the police on their statement. Let’s go to Mark, he’s outside Squidward’s house. Oh hi Mark.
Mark: Oh hey Johnny! So, Squidward has just been arrested.
[A cop is taking Squidward, who is now handcuffed, out of the house]
Mark: Squidward, do you have anything to say to us?
Squidward: Can I just say something to Seymour?
[Seymour walks up to him]
Squidward: Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.
[Seymour gives him a thumbs up and a smile as Squidward’s put in a police vehicle, which drives away]
Mark: There you have it. Squidward has been arrested, it’s not clear what’s going to happen to New Squidward Chat. Maybe they'll get a new presenter. Maybe they have one already, I don’t know yet. [he makes a look at the camera in confusion as to what he just said]
Voice: I’ll do it!
[Super Grover crashes into the ground, he gets up]
Super Grover: It’s me! Super Gro- [a cop handcuffs him]
Cop: You’re under arrest for child sexual exploitation!
Super Grover: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, LIBERAL! [flies off with the cop still handcuffed to him]
Cop: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Mark looks back at the camera again]
Mark: Johnny, back to you.
Johnny: Thank you Mark. Now the police search for SpongeBob continues. [cut to a camera following a police car] We’ll bring you SpongeBob’s arrest live, until then I will continue providing commentary.
[6 hours later]
Johnny: [really tired] They’re… They’re just… Chickens… Cheep! Cheep-cheep-cheep cheep! [the cops stop suddenly] Oh, something’s happening. 
[the cops dig up the sand, SpongeBob was hiding underneath it]
Johnny: Oh…
[meanwhile at Squidward’s house. A rock moves and Patrick appears from under it, he then goes through the police tape and enters his rock ignoring everything]
To be continued…
[Credits]
Presented by Squidward Tentacles
Created by SpongeBot678
Directed by SpongeBot678
Produced by SpongeBot678 and John Lastname
Written by SpongeBot678
Starring
(Just refer to the characters list, this would go on forever if I listed all of them.)
Everything else by SpongeBot678
[Post-credit scene: SpongeBot is playing basketball by herself on a roof. Suddenly, Chris-R enters the roof and walks up to her.]
Chris-R: Hey SpongeBot.
SpongeBot: Chris-R, I’ve been looking for ya’.
Chris-R: Yeah sure you have. You have the new Game of Life, right?
SpongeBot: Yeah, it’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, SpongeBot? Where's The Game of Life?
SpongeBot: OK. Just- just give me 5 minutes. Just give me 5.
Chris-R: 5 minutes? You want 5 fucking minutes, SpongeBot. You know what? I haven’t got 5 [pulls out gun] FUCKING MINUTES!
[Chris-R has SpongeBot on the floor with the gun pointed to her head]
Chris-R: I’m gonna ask you again, SpongeBot, where’s The Game of Life?
SpongeBot: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: Where’s The Game of Life, SpongeBot? WHERE’S THE FUCKING GAME OF LIFE, SPONGEBOT?! DID YOU DO WITH THE FUCKING GAME OF LIFE?!
SpongeBot: I swear to God it’s coming!
Chris-R: WHERE’S THE FUCKING GAME OF LIFE, SPONGEBOT?!
SpongeBot: Put the gun down!
[Suddenly, Johnny and Mark from The Room enter the scene]
Chris-R: THE FUCKING GAME OF LIFE?!
Mark: Shit.
Chris-R: WHERE’S THE FUCKING GAME OF LIFE, SPONGEBOT?!
Johnny: What’s with this guy? Get off! [Johnny and Mark somehow get Chris-R away from SpongeBot]
Chris-R: YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD, SPONGEBOT!
[Apparently Lisa and Claudette are on the roof now]
Lisa: WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?! SOMEBODY HEEEELP!
[Johnny, Mark and Chris-R make noises that no human being can describe]
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police! [they do so]
Chris-R: You’re fucking dead!
Lisa: SpongeBot, are you OK?! What did that man want from you?!
SpongeBot: Nothing.
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing.
Lisa: Tell me everything… [starts to cry]
Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?!
SpongeBot: I owe him some fanfiction.
Lisa: What kind of fanfiction?!
SpongeBot: I owe him some fanfiction.
Lisa: What kind of fanfiction?!
SpongeBot: Everything is OK, he’s gone!
Claudette: Everything is not OK. SpongeBot, that is a dangerous man!
SpongeBot: Calm down! He’s going to jail!
Lisa: [distressed] SpongeBot, what kind of fanfiction? Just tell me!
Claudette: What are you writing fanfiction for?
Lisa: Mom, please, SpongeBot is with me and Johnny!
Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!
Lisa: SpongeBot, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth! We’re your friends.
SpongeBot: I was writing some SpongeBob fanfiction for him… Things got mixed up, I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: [crying] SpongeBot…
SpongeBot: I don’t write them anymore!
Lisa: What kind of SpongeBob fanfiction, SpongeBot?!
SpongeBot: It doesn’t matter, I don’t write it anymore.
Claudette: It doesn’t matter?! How in the hell did you get involved with SpongeBob fanfiction?! What were you, giving them to him, selling them to him?! Where in the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: WHAT KIND OF SPONGEBOB FANFICTION TO YOU WRITE?!
SpongeBot: It’s nothing like that.
Lisa: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
SpongeBot: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.
Lisa: How much do you have to write for him?!
Claudette: This is not the way you make money.
Lisa: HOW MUCH?!
SpongeBot: SSSSSTOP GANGING UP ON ME!
Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you [SpongeBot tries to cry but is unable to produce a single tear] for God’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?!
SpongeBot: It doesn’t matter…
Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that?!
SpongeBot: You’re not my FUCKING mother!
Claudette: [grabbing her] You listen to me…
Lisa: NO! NO!
Claudette: SOMEBODY HAD BETTER DO SOMETHING AROUND HERE!
[Johnny runs in]
Johnny: Are you OK, SpongeBot?!
SpongeBot: OK…
Johnny: ARE YOU OK?!
SpongeBot: I’M OK!
[Mark is here as well now apparently]
Claudette: What’s OK?! She’s writing SpongeBob fanfiction…
Mark: Come on, stop! It was a mistake!
Claudette: A mistake? That she writes SpongeBob fanfiction!
Johnny: Let’s go hooome.
Mark: Come on, it’s clear!
Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police!
Lisa: Mom, stop! It was SpongeBot’s mistake, just stop!
Mark: Let’s go! [Mark and Claudette leave]
Johnny: Why did you do this? YOU KNOW BETTER RIGHT?! WHY?!
SpongeBot: I’m sorry!
Johnny: You know better, SpongeBot! You almost got killed!
SpongeBot: I’m sorry… It won’t happen again, I promise.
Lisa: SpongeBot, you know that Johnny is like your father. And we’re your friends, we’re going to help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home…
[they leave]
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