Episode 224: Cloris Leachman/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 224: Cloris Leachman.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in. Cloris puts on some cologne.
Scooter	Cloris Leachman. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Leachman.
Cloris 	OK, Scooter, I'll be ready. And thank you for this lunch. I just hope he remembered that I don't eat meat of any kind.
 	A menagerie of Muppet animals gather around her and become affectionate.
Cloris 	Aw! And you'll be happy to know that I am a vegetarian.
 	She lifts a tray and finds some Muppet fruits and vegetables, who boo and hiss.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cloris Leachman!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Quit while you're ahead!
 	Red smoke comes out of Gonzo's trumpet.
 	
==Opening number==
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna love tonight's show because our special guest is the star of television and films, Miss Cloris Leachman! But first, first, let's get...
 	A gang of pigs appear and throw a net over Kermit.
 	
Kermit 	What are you guys doing?
Head pig 	Pigs are taking over the show!
Pigs 	Yeah! Takin' over!
Kermit 	You'll never get away with it!
Head pig 	Wanna bet?
 	They carry him offstage.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We did it! We did it! Hahaha!
 	A pig resembling Kermit follows them on stage.
 	
Kermit the Pig 	Hi-ho! Kermit the Pig here. (grins, looks around) Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show. But tonight, let's open the festivities with…
Miss Piggy 	All right, buster, what's going on here? Where's my frog?
 	
Kermit the Pig 	Oh, we — we pigs have taken over the show.
Miss Piggy 	Well, hoo-ha. Where's my frog, huh? What happened to him?
Kermit the Pig 	But Miss Piggy, you're starring in the opening number.
Miss Piggy 	I don't care. If you touch one flipper of my fro— (suddenly changes her tone) I'm starring in the opening number?
Kermit the Pig 	Of course. You're the biggest pig star we've got.
Miss Piggy 	We'll … talk about what's-his-name later. (dashes off)
Kermit the Pig 	And now, let's get the show rolling with a little pig music! Aaahhh!
 	
 	The pigs, including Miss Piggy, Annie Sue and Link Hogthrob, sing "That's Entertainment".
Waldorf 	You know, I didn't know pigs could do that.
Statler 	Be that talented?
Waldorf 	No, be that bad.
 	They chuckle.
==Boiler room==
 	Fozzie listens through the door as Kermit is shoved into the same room.
Pig 2 	Move, move, little frog! Move! Get in there! Go on!
Fozzie	Kermit, Kermit. Now, listen, you g…
 	They slam the door shut.
Fozzie	(embraces Kermit) Oh, Kermit. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Oh, it's been terrible. Kermit, do you know that the pigs have taken over the show?
Kermit	Where are we? Is this the boiler room?
Fozzie	Yes, the boiler room, yet.
Kermit	Well, listen, Fozzie, don't worry. We will get out of here.
Fozzie	Of course we'll get out of here, because I, the bear, have a plan.
Kermit	Yeah?
Fozzie	I am going to tie some sheets together, and we will slip out the window!
Kermit	What window? (looks around)
Fozzie	No window! (panics) Oh, Kermit! Kermit! We gotta bust outta heeere! Kermit, Kermit. There's no telling how long they could keep us here. Look. Look, look. Look.
 	He shows Kermit a mark on the wall.
Kermit	Uh, what — what is that?
Fozzie	I started a calendar. Kermit, it's necessary. Believe me! I don't know what we're gonna do!
Kermit	Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie — do not panic. Listen, we'll use that telephone there and call for help.
Fozzie	The telephone. Of course! Oh.
 	He picks up the receiver and hears a dial tone.
Fozzie	It's working! Here, Kermit.
 	
 	He runs to Kermit, accidentally disconnecting the phone from the wall.
Kermit	This... This... This may take longer than I thought.
==Operetta Medley==
 	Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters.
Kermit the Pig	And now, here's our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman, in a classic piece of...
 	Cloris enters to applause.
Cloris 	Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I must stop you.
 	
Kermit the Pig	What's the matter? Did I get your name wrong?
Cloris 	No, no, that's not it.
Kermit the Pig	Uh, you don't like the dress?
Cloris 	Uh, no. It's OK for the number I'm doing.
Kermit the Pig	You don't like the number?
Cloris 	No, it's OK for the dress I'm wearing.
Kermit the Pig	But it's a great number. You and Sweetums'll be terrific.
Cloris 	No, no. No. My number with Sweetums comes at the end of the show.
Kermit the Pig	Yeep! Uh, that's my mistake. Excuse me. Sweetums, Sweetums, back to the dressing room. Go on, back.
 	
Cloris 	OK, cut, cut. That is not Sweetums. And you are not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig	Wha — Yes, I am.
Cloris 	Oh, no. I've seen The Muppet Show on television many times, and you don't look anything like the Muppets that I've seen.
Kermit the Pig	(stammering) Maybe it's your television set.
Cloris 	No, it is not the set. I mean, you're, you're green, and you've got that darling, funny, pointy collar Kermit used to wear. But you're not — you're not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig	Oh, yes, I am.
Cloris 	All right, then. I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G.
Kermit the Pig	But...
Cloris 	No, no, no. You are not a frog, and there's nothing you can say that will ever convince me that you are a frog. Nothing. (turns and walks away)
Kermit the Pig	Ribbit.
 	She stops in her tracks and turns around.
Kermit the Pig	Ribbit, ribbit.
Cloris 	(relieved) Kermit! It is you.
 	Kermit the Pig grins and snorts.
Cloris 	What?
Kermit the Pig	Uh, nothing. Ribbit.
Cloris 	Finish the introductions, Kermit. It must be the eyes. They must be going. (walks away)
Kermit the Pig	And now, once again, our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman! Aaahhhh!
 	
 	Open on a mountain setting. Cloris sings "My Hero," soon joined by Link in a mountie outfit. They both duet "Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life" and "Serenade". Three more mountie pigs enter and sing a variant of "Stout-Hearted Men".
==Boiler room==
 	
Fozzie 	OK, Kermit, now listen, when the pig comes in, I'll clobber him, and then we run for our lives. (he hears someone approaching) Oh, here we go.
Head pig	Get in that cell!
 	Gonzo is shoved into the room. Fozzie hits him with the club.
Fozzie 	Got ya!
Gonzo 	Are you crazy? That really hurt.
Fozzie 	Oh — Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.
Gonzo 	(to Kermit) Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.
Kermit 	Hey, uh, Gonzo, what's happening with the show?
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah?
Gonzo 	Oh, it's going great. They've got this new emcee and the audience loves him. Kermit the Pig.
Kermit 	Kermit the Pig?
Fozzie 	Easy, easy, Kermit. Don't take it so personally.
Gonzo 	And the new comedian? Fozzie the Pig? Boy, is he funny!
Fozzie 	We gotta get outta heeeere!
Gonzo 	We will get out of here. Look what I smuggled in.
 	
Kermit 	A spoon?
Gonzo 	Mmm-hmm.
Fozzie 	Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat!
Gonzo 	We will escape. I'm gonna dig a tunnel with it.
 	He starts digging in the brick wall. Kermit and Fozzie look at each other.
Kermit 	Uh, I think we're gonna be here a while.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters to a fanfare.
Kermit the Pig 	And now it's time for everybody's favorite funny pig … that great big lovable ham who's really a boar, and proud of it … (grimaces) … Mr. Fozzie Pig! Aaaahhh!
 	The curtain opens, and Fozzie Pig takes the stage.
 	
Fozzie Pig 	Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm really hot tonight. I guess you could say the — (looks down) fat's in the fire. Aaaaaah! Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat that when she brings home the bacon, it takes three guys to bring home the bacon! Aaaaahhhhh!
Statler 	Say, his new material isn't bad.
Waldorf 	Yes, but his new haircut is awful.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie Pig 	But rolling right along, folks, it's really great to be here entertaining you, uh, but next year I'm going back to school. Yeah, you see, get this... You see, I still got a lot to loin. Ah, get it? Pork? Loin? Aaahhhh…
 	
Waldorf 	Now I know it's the haircut.
Statler 	(nods) Mmm.
Fozzie Pig 	Uh … yeah, but uh, well, I could do this all night. Uh, uh, yeah, but my sauerkraut is double-porked. Get it? Double-porked? Porked. (his fanfare plays and he exits) Hogga, hogga, hogga, hogga.
Waldorf 	(laughs)
Statler 	Sauerkraut?
Waldorf 	"Double-porked!"
Statler 	It's the worst!
Waldorf 	Wurst!
Statler & Waldorf	The wurst! The wurst! The wurst! (they laugh)
==The Swedish Pig==
 	The Swedish Pig oinks his theme song, then tosses two spoons aside. He picks up a corn ear and points to it.
Swedish Pig	(mock Swedish) … pøppå cørn. … Corn. Oink, oink, oink, oink.
 	He displays a blunderbuss in the other hand.
Swedish Pig	Oink, oink, pøpcørn pøpper. Huh, oïnkå!
 	He tosses the ear into the air and fires the blunderbuss. Down comes popcorn!
Swedish Pig	Pøppå cørn. Oinkå, oinkå, oinkå. Ha ha ha ha. Oink, oink.
 	
==UK Spot: Vegetarian's Hospital==
 	Miss Piggy looks through an otoscope to examine the ring she's wearing. Once she sees she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
Announcer 	And now, Vegetarian's Hospital, the story of a pig-headed quack who's gone hog wild.
Pig nurse 	Here's your next case, doctor.
 	Dr. Pig takes off the blanket.
 	
Dr. Pig 	Wha? This is a dish of fruits and vegetables.
Miss Piggy	It's all right. They have group insurance.
 	They all laugh.
Dr. Pig 	Group insurance? They'd better have grape insurance.
 	They all laugh.
Dr. Pig 	Here's a nice bunch.
 	The grapes laugh.
Pig nurse 	What's the problem here?
Miss Piggy	Well, ahem, the corn has a bad ear. The potato has a bad eye. And the eggplant... (snickers)
Dr. Pig 	Yes?
Miss Piggy	The eggplant has a bad yolk!
 	They all laugh.
Dr. Pig 	Well, that makes two of you.
 	They all laugh.
Dr. Pig 	Well, let's start with the corn.
Pig nurse 	You already have.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh, oh, doctor, you really know your vegetables.
Dr. Pig 	Well, that's why they pay me a big celery.
Miss Piggy	Celery!
 	They all laugh.
Announcer 	And so, once again, for the first time, we come to the close of Vegetarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Pig say...
Dr. Pig 	And now, lettuce operate.
Miss Piggy	"Lettuce operate!"
 	They all laugh as Dr. Pig pokes the veggies. Fade to the newsroom.
==UK Spot: Muppet Newsflash==
 	
Newspig	Here is a Muppet newsflash. The eminent research scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeypig, today announced he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse. … Dr. Honeypig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit by the wife of a neighborhood artist, Mrs. Vincent van Gogh Pig.
 	He nods, puts down the paper and walks off.
==Boiler room==
 	Meanwhile, Gonzo is still digging through the wall.
Kermit 	How's it going, guys?
Fozzie 	Oh, it's terrific. Gonzo's digging and I'm going to smuggle the dirt out in my hat.
 	
 	He puts on his hat, and dirt falls on his head.
Fozzie 	Or not.
 	Piggy enters, dressed for Pigs in Space.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? Oh, Kermie, are you all right?
Kermit 	Uh, well, uh, uh, yes, I guess so.
Miss Piggy	Kermie, I just want you to know that I have had nothing to do, whatsoever, with the taking over of this show. I have ref... No, really, I have refused to cooperate. Yes, and, Kermie?
Kermit 	Hm?
Miss Piggy	I am going to stay here with you.
Kermit 	You really... Oh, that, that's very nice of you, Miss Piggy.
 	
Miss Piggy	Kermie, my loyalty is here... with my frog.
 	Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit 	You really mean it?
Miss Piggy	Mmm-hmm.
Head pig 	Uh, Pigs in Space on next.
 	A beat.
Miss Piggy	You have to cancel it. I, I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie.
Kermit 	Oh, gee, Miss Piggy.
Head pig 	OK, we'll just get someone to take your place.
Miss Piggy	Take my place?!
Head pig 	I mean, if you wanna stay here with him.
 	A beat.
Miss Piggy	Well... (sigh) … Bye. (exits)
Kermit 	But …
Head pig 	That's showbiz, pal. (laughs)
 	The door slams.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the quixotic Captain Link Hogthrob, the vacuous first mate Miss Piggy, and the somnambulistic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left the Swinetrek last time, it was under attack from an alien thing.
 	The red emergency light blinks as an alarm sounds.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Battle stations! Battle stations!
Link Hogthrob 	Condition red!
Miss Piggy 	Man the guns!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh! Oh!
Miss Piggy 	What is it, my captain? Oh no!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Are you hit, Link?
 	
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! No, I've got a spot on my uniform. Oh...
 	A creature appears in the window.
Miss Piggy 	There it is!
Link Hogthrob 	Here it is. Right here by my epaulet. See there? And I just had it cleaned on Tuesday.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Look. It's stopped shooting!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, maybe it will sponge off.
Miss Piggy 	What is it?
Link Hogthrob 	I don't know.
 	
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know, either. It appears to be... I mean, it looks like... It is! It's chopped liver!
Miss Piggy 	(screams)
Link Hogthrob 	No, I think it's ketchup.
Miss Piggy 	No, no, not there, lardhead. There!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh! Oh! It is! It is! It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped liver! Anything but chopped liver!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	What's wrong with chopped liver?
Link Hogthrob 	It gives me gas. >hic!<
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Try holding your breath and counting to five or six hundred.
Link Hogthrob 	>hic!< (holds his snout) One, two, three, four...
Miss Piggy 	No, no, you twit! Don't you understand? That is the chopped-liver monster from the galaxy Zabar.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	It's hideous.
 	
Chopped Liver 	(Jewish accent) Hideous? For $1.69 a pound, you want beautiful?
Announcer 	Tune in again next time for another digestive episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Statler 	The pigs may have taken over, but there's one thing they haven't changed.
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	It's still not funny.
 	They chuckle.
==Boiler room==
 	Kermit and Fozzie examine the hole as Gonzo digs.
Kermit 	How's Gonzo doing?
Fozzie 	Pretty good, I guess. I, I can't even see him anymore.
 	
Scooter	Hey, Kermit, we're free! We're free!
Kermit 	Really?
Fozzie 	What happened?
Scooter	Someone next door was holding a hog-calling contest, so they all heard it and ran off!
Fozzie 	What a plot twist! How amazing! How unbelievable!
Kermit 	How convenient. I'll get on stage. You tell Gonzo.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir.
 	
Fozzie 	(calls into the hole) Hey, Gonzo! (aside) He's made a lot of progress with that teaspoon.
=="Just in Time"==
 	The stage is empty.
Kermit 	(off-stage) I'm coming!
 	Kermit takes the stage.
Kermit 	Well, things have been a little bit strange here tonight, but uh, someone we can always depend on is the wonderful Miss Cloris Leachman. We take you now to a desert island, where the coconuts and guest stars grow.
 	The curtain opens on a desert island. Cloris crawls up.
Cloris 	Oh, dear! Oh! Oh, gracious. I thought I'd never make it.
 	She stands up, moaning. She notices a fish in her sleeve and tosses it. She sits on what she thinks is a rock, but is actually a sleeping Sweetums.
 	
Sweetums	Ah-ha! Pretty blonde lady!
Cloris 	(curtsies) Hello.
Sweetums	Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?
Cloris 	Oh, that depends. Are you thinking of me as the cook or the dish?
Sweetums	Well, you're quite a dish.
Cloris 	That does it. I'm leaving.
Sweetums	Ho, ho. Where nice lady come from?
Cloris 	Didn't you see that shipwreck out there?
Sweetums	I caused that shipwreck out there. Haw, haw, haw.
Cloris 	I believe it. With breath like that, you could sink an armada.
Sweetums	Huh?
Cloris 	(picks up a canteen) Oh, look. Water.
Sweetums	Oh, good. Sweetums thirsty. (snatches the canteen)
Cloris 	Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Sweetums	Tough luck, kid. Haw haw.
Cloris 	Look, up there! Quick!
Sweetums	Sweetums not fall for that old gag.
 	BOP! A coconut falls on his head from the tree.
Sweetums	That does it! Sweetums and nice lady not be friends after all!
 	He chases her around the tree, roaring.
Cloris 	Now, now, hold on. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on! Hold on. Just a moment.
 	He catches her, and she screams. Doglion approaches in a motorboat and walks up to her.
Doglion 	Hey, someone call for help?
Cloris 	(hugs him) Oh, thank heavens. Oh, your timing is perfect.
Doglion 	It is?
 	Music swells up.
Cloris 	
Just in time.
I found you just in time.
Before you came, my time
Was running low.
Sweetums	
I was lost.
The losing dice were tossed.
Cloris 	
My bridges all were crossed—
Nowhere to go.
Now you're here.
And now I know just where I'm going.
No more doubt or fear.
I've found my way.
All 	For love came just in time…
Cloris 	
I found you just in time…
And changed my lonely life…
 	
All 	That lovely… day.
 	Applause.
Doglion 	That's lovely. Only got one question.
Cloris 	What's that?
Doglion 	Sweetums, is this the cook or the dish?
Sweetums	Dish! Haw haw!
Cloris 	What? Oh! Help!
 	They both start chasing her around the tree. End scene.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cloris Leachman! Yaaaay!
Cloris 	Thank you. Oh, Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Cloris 	Thank you so...
 	A rumbling is heard. Gonzo finally breaks through the wall.
 	
Gonzo 	Freedom is mine! What are you doing here, Kermit?
Kermit 	Never mind. I'll tell you about it later.
Cloris 	Oh, boy, Kermit. It certainly has been different around here tonight.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, I don't know how to explain to you about those pigs.
Cloris 	Where did those pigs come from?
Kermit 	And where did they go? I mean, who would organize a hog-calling contest? It was amazing. It was bizarre.
Cloris 	It was easy.
Kermit 	Cloris, you did that for us?
Cloris 	Well, I'm from lowa.
Kermit 	You must be a great hog-caller.
 	
Cloris 	Soo-eee! Piggy, piggy, piggy!
 	Pigs flock the stage, including Kermit the Pig, who signs off with Kermit.
Kermits	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Pigs 	Oink, oink.
Kermit 	Will you get outta here? Hey, come back here.
 	The credits roll.
Waldorf	That was weird!
Statler	I'll tell the world!
Waldorf	Go ahead!
Statler	(to the viewer) That was weird!
Waldorf	Weird!
Statler	Weird! Weird!
Waldorf	Weird!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts