The Ununited Discordant Server

This is the seventeenth episode of The SBFW Chronicles.
==Transcript==
Narrator: The year is 2028. The US presidential candidates this time around are Bernie Sanders (independent) and Ted Cruz (republican). People all over the internet are raving for their favorite candidate. But who is raving the most? That’s right, the United Server of Discord.
Golf: It's actually DisCord.
Narrator: Please shut the fuck up.
Aaron: I hope Bernie wins. He deserves his chance in the spotlight.
Golf: Nope. BERNIE IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Elli: Hey does anyone wanna see a cool trick?
Golf: COOL TRICKS ARE THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Aaron: Okay which one is it Golf? Cool tricks or Bernie?
Golf: Bernie. He is way worse than some cool tricks.
Elli: I don't know whether to feel good or bad about that sentence.
Golf: Imagine feeling bad about yourself. Unproductive. I always take pride in my perfect self.
Liz: I guess we’re polar opposites then.
Kelpy: Can we get back on topic, damn it? We're supposed to be talking about Bernie vs. Mr. Fucking Teddy Bear here!
Aaron: Teddy bear? You're funny.
Golf: This is no laughing matter. Our beautiful country could be set ablaze due to rampant socialism!
Liz: Yeah I really doubt that'll happen.
Golf: Have you seen the numbers? Bernie is in the LEAD! THE LEAD, I TELL YOU! HE IS IN THE LEAD!
Aaron: Okay I think we get that you hate Bernie.
Golf: Nope. I don’t just hate him. I despise Bernie and his Bernie Bros.
Elli: I'm not even a brother and I feel attacked.
Liz: Hey when's Election Day?
Golf: Look it up, Stalin’s swine.
Kelpy: It's November 7.
Liz: Oh so it's today.
Golf: TODAY?! That is false.
Liz: Hey you told me to look it up.
Dan: Wait, weren't we talking about the results of the election so far earlier?
Golf: Keep quiet, terrorist.
Dan: Says the one who supports Israel.
Golf: Israel did absolutely nothing wrong. Those Palestinians saw it coming.
Dan: Coming up their ass.
(Dan gets the arrested role)
Dan: WHAT DID I DO?
Golf: Don’t play dumb. You know what you did.
Kelpy: Still not as bad as the time he simped for Lola Bunny in front of his best friends.
Dan: I’ll have you know that all of my friends are my best friends. :iwanttojammycockintoher:
Golf: I will now take a 240 hour productivity strike. Good day, trolls.
Liz: Aw, but you’re gonna miss the election results- okay goodbye now.
Golf: On second thought, nope. I will stay here and be productive while the election results turn in. TED CRUZ IS THE ONLY TRUE OPTION! BERNIE SANDERS IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND THIS?
Dan: Golf, Ted Cruz literally advocates for Donald Trump more than Donald Trump advocates for himself. And that’s saying something.
Golf: False. Donald Trump is a fascist, but not as fascist as Bruh Moment Bernie.
Dan: How do you do, fellow kids?
Golf: I am 26, I am not a fellow kid.
Dan: No doxxing.
Golf: Oh dear, poor internet. Anyway, BERNIE IS THE WORST DEMOCRAT TO EVER EXIST ON THIS PLANET!
Kelpy: Bernie isn't a democrat you idiot, he's independent.
Golf: Use some common sense, Stalin’s caterpillar.
Kelpy: Says the PETA and Autism Speaks supporter.
Golf: PETA does not kill animals. They only put them to sleep.
Liz: You’re fucking pathetic.
Golf: Also, autism has been shown to actually kill people. Just look at that poor ESB user who died in a house fire.
Dan: You have literally zero evidence that autism killed him.
Golf: And you have zero evidence that autism didn’t kill him.
Dan: Okay, what about the FUCKING FIRE?
Golf: That was just a coincidence.
Aaron: Golf, even CrazySponge looks like Albert Einstein compared to you.
Golf: No I am not. You’re projecting. Also, Elon Musk is the true genius.
Vanessa: Yo shut up golf.
Golf: Sir, you should be the one to shut up.
Vanessa: I’m literally a woman.
Golf: I forgot your pronouns today, but yes, I will correct myself.
Kelpy: I thought we were talking about the election.
Golf: Oh, right. Oh dear, poor internet. And by poor internet, I mean all of you internet trolls.
Vanessa: I didn’t even do anything!
Golf: You associate yourself with these Stalinist scums, madam. And Matchy, sir, I thought I expected better of you.
Liz: I’m also literally a woman.
Golf: Anyway, moving on. TED CRUZ IS THE ONLY TRUE CANDIDATE FOR THIS ELECTION!
Literally everyone else: BERNIE FOR THE WIN!
Golf: Nope. Bernie is the enemy of the people.
Dan: How does it feel to be massively outnumbered, Pecker?
Golf: Us intelligent people never get treated fairly. Other lower intelligence people such as you internet trolls think you are always right, when in fact I am the one that is always right.
Dan: Bro how do you even live your life?
Golf: I sleep on concrete every night, and only for four hours. I replace all that other time with endless productivity.
Kelpy: Golf, how can you support someone who advocates for someone you literally hate and have called a fascist?
Golf: Ted Cruz has not advocated for Donald Trump, period.
Kelpy: (shows like 10 different articles proving that Cruz has advocated for Trump)
Golf: Nope.
Kelpy: If this isn’t evidence then I suggest you seek therapy.
Golf: No. Therapy is for the mentally weak. Everyone knows you can completely control all of your emotions. Besides, emotions are child’s play.
Aaron: So I’m mentally weak for seeing a therapist?
Golf: Indeed. You can figure that out for yourself.
Liz: And what if I wanna-?
Golf: Nope.
Liz: But I didn’t even-
Golf: Nope.
Dan: Golf why don’t you go fuck some strawberries or something?
Golf: I am not sexually attracted to fruit. I am asexual.
Dan: Oh yeah? (posts an image of a strawberry in a bikini) How about that?
Golf: (drools) HOT HOT HO- Nope. I am not attracted in the slightest. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going on a one-hour productivity strike.
(One hour later…)
Golf: I am back from my one-hour productivity strike.
Dan: How did it feel, horny boy?
Golf: I WAS NOT HORNY!
Liz: Hey look, Bernie’s still in the lead!
Golf: NO WAY HE WILL WIN! TED CRUZ WILL PREVAIL!
Dan: He can Cruz right down to hell for all I care.
Golf: Cruz has great respect for the LGBT community and has the best stance on healthcare, unlike that socialist Bernie and his bros. Trust me, when I run for president next term, I will be lethal beyond the arc.
Dan: Lmaoooooo
Golf: There is nothing funny about this, Phillydan.
Kelpy: What’s not funny is the fact that Cruz does not support free healthcare. In fact he supports the opposite.
Golf: FALSE! One thousand dollars for a single medical checkup is extremely affordable.
Kelpy: For you maybe. You’re literally a millionaire.
Golf: No I am not. I just own millions of dollars.
Dan: That’s literally the definition of a millionaire.
Golf: Nope. You’re delusional.
Aaron: Hey Golf, can you do this?
(Aaron posts a video of him singing Astronaut in the Ocean)
Golf: You know what you can be? Blocked.
Aaron: Literally all I did was post me singing-
Golf: Thanks for the late night service!
Liz: Hey Bernie’s still winning.
Golf: Nope. He is not.
Liz: It takes you like three seconds to google it. You’re literally ignoring facts.
Golf: Nope. That is false.
Dan: Golf, you think anything that doesn’t align with your views to be false.
Golf: That is also false.
Dan: My point exactly.
Golf: You're a douchebag.
Dan: Hey I thought you didn't like swearing.
Golf: I DID NOT FRICKING SWEAR! YOU'RE A GENUINE DEMON! GIVE ME A FRICKING BREAK!
Dan: You're funny.
Golf: THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER! I’M ABOUT TO BLOW UP LIKE BENSON!
Dan: Benson has some nice gumballs.
Kelpy: No degeneracy.
Aaron: Pops is the best. He saved the fucking world.
Golf: No he is not. He is British, therefore he is selfish and arrogant.
Aaron: Why do you hate the British so goddamn much?
Golf: They have free healthcare and think they're better than THE BEST NATION IN ALL OF EARTH, AMERICA!
Liz: Okay, now you're just being a nationalist.
Golf: I AM NOT A NATIONALIST. YOU ARE FRICKING INSANE.
Dan: Did the strawberries not get in you the right way the last time?
Golf: No, but they did- Nope.
Dan: AHA! I KNEW IT!
Golf: FALSE ACCUSATIONS! FALSE! FALSE! ALL OF YOU ARE POSSESSED BY SATAN HIMSELF!
Liz: Satan says trans rights.
Golf: And so do I.
Dan: Hey Golf, how many ballsacks can you fit inside your mouth?
(Dan gets banned)
Aaron: What the hell, Golf? You’re a [not FANDOM friendly].
(Aaron gets banned)
Golf: Do not use that slur around me, sir.
Liz: He can’t even see that message, Golf.
Golf: I know.
Elli: Bernie’s still winning by the way.
Golf: GOD DAMN I- I mean HECK!
Elli: That’s right, use the Christian language.
Golf: I am a Catholic.
Kelpy: Same difference.
Golf: Shut up, you bonehead.
Kelpy: Oh, I’m soooo scared. What are you gonna do, ban me?
(Kelpy gets banned)
Golf: Yes.
Liz: Again, he can’t-
Golf: SHUT UP BEFORE I BAN YOU TOO!
Elli: Are you just gonna ban everyone?
(Elli gets banned)
Liz: Pfff… welp.
Vanessa: Such a tragedy.
(Someone named Mr. Far Right joins the server)
Mr. Far Right: Greetings, [racial slurs].
Golf: Don’t say that here.
Mr. Far Right: All of you are [racial slurs].
Liz: Aren’t you gonna ban him or something?
Golf: I cannot do that.
Vanessa: Well why the hell not?
Golf: He’s posted enough messages to become a citizen.
Liz: So you ban like five people for no reason yet let the guy who said the n word slide?
Vanessa: Sounds fucked up.
Mr. Far Right: Black people be like, amirite?
Liz: Shut up.
(Liz gets banned)
Golf: No disruption.
Vanessa: If anyone’s disrupting it’s you and that right wing guy, Golf.
(Vanessa gets banned)
Golf: No back talking.
Mr. Far Right: So, Golf, wanna terrorize an innocent group of Palestinians?
Golf: Oh yeah, let’s do that. Very productive.
(Six hours of war crimes later…)
Golf: Ah, after going completely against my supposed moral beliefs for six hours straight, I think it’s time for some productivity.
(He approaches a strawberry basket, in which all of the strawberries scream)
Golf: Oh pipe down, I’m only getting ten of you this time.
(He picks up ten strawberries and swallows them all whole)
Golf: Healthy, healthy strawberries. And so juicy, too. Time to check the election results. That socialist Bernie could not have won, TED CRUZ IS OUR NEW PRESIDENT! Hey Siri, who won the election?
Siri: Bernie Sanders won the 2028 election, beating Ted Cruz by a landslide. He will be inaugurated on-
Golf: Nope. I do not believe this.
(He checks the election results on Foogle)
Golf: HOLY SMOKES!
(the end)
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