Shrek the Third/Transcript

==Transcript==
INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT[A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.]
Prince Charming: Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.
Lightning. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming’s face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in frontof a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. 
Gingy: This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre.
 
Pinocchio: Me too.
 
[Pinocchio’s nose grows as he is caught in the lie.]Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
 
PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey!
 
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose.A Princess leans from a tower window.
 
ACTRESS: Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith.
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
PRINCE CHARMING
Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay
the monster that guards you and
take my place as rightful King.
 
An old couple at a table look confused.
 
OLD LADY
(to old man)
What did she say?
 
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
him.
 
A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
 
OGRE
Grrrrrrr!
 
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
cheer.
 
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
(CHEERING)
Woooo hoooo!!!
 
GINGERBREAD MAN
Yea! Shrek!
 
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
monster.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
Prepare foul beast to enter into a
world of pain with which you are
not familiar!
 
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
 
WAITER
(SINGING)
Happy Birthday to thee.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
Do you mind?
 
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
 
GINGERBREAD MAN
Do you mind? Bo-ring!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
 
 
 
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
The tower facade starts to topple.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
(CLEARS THROAT)
Prepare foul beast-
 
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
falling. He cringes.
 
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses’ window. The
crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
his mangled sword at the audience.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
(shaking his sword again)
Someday you’ll be sorry.
 
HECKLER
(O.S.)
We already are!
 
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
picks up his hobby horse and exits.
 
OGRE
Grrrrrrr!
 
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
 
 
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
He opens it.
 
 
EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
 
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
 
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
Charming breaks down and cries.
 
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
to the vanity. "Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel"
is written on the picture.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
 
 
 
PRINCE CHARMING
(HEAVY SOBS)
Oh mommy.
 
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
determined change grows across his face.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this
happen. I can’t.
 
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
holds his chin up high.
 
PRINCE CHARMING
I am the rightful King of Far Far
Away and I promise you this mother.
I will restore dignity to my
throne!
 
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
and narrow.
 
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
And this time, no one will stand in
my way!
 
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
crowd.
 
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
 
 
EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
 
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
rises and the birds sing.
 
 
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
 
SHREK
Good morning.
 
FIONA
Good morning.
(DREAMY)
Oh… morning breath…
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
 
 
 
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
 
SHREK
(DREAMY)
I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
 
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
cowers beneath the bedclothes.
 
DONKEY
(SINGING)
"Good morning! Good morning!"
 
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
 
Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin’ in the Rain
as he enters the room.
 
DONKEY
(SINGING)
"The sun is shining through! Good
morning! Good morning.
(coming closer and closer
TO SHREK)
"To you!"
(TO SHREK)
"And you!"
(TO DRONKEY)
And you!
 
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
their path.
 
DONKEY
Oh, they grow up so fast. 
 
[Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.] 
 
INT. KING’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King’s bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
 
KING HAROLD: I’m dying. [Inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen
comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.]
 
QUEEN LILLIAN: Harold.
 
KING HAROLD
Don’t forget to pay the gardener,
Lillian.
 
The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
 
QUEEN
Of course darling.
 
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
 
KING HAROLD
Fiona…
 
FIONA
Yes Daddy?
 
KING HAROLD
I know I’ve made many mistakes with
you.
 
FIONA
It’s okay.
 
KING HAROLD
But your love for Shrek has taught
me so much.
 
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
 
KING HAROLD
My dear boy, I am proud to call you
my son.
 
SHREK
And I’m proud to call you my
Frog… King Dad in-law.
 
Shrek smiles.
 
KING HAROLD
Now, there is a matter of business
to attend tooo… [starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
Everyone else thinks he’s dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
 
PUSS
The Frog King is dead.
Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
 
DONKEY
(TO PUSS)
Put your hat back on, fool.
 
KING HAROLD
Shrek, please come hither.
 
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
 
SHREK
Yeah, Dad?
 
KING HAROLD
This Kingdom needs a new king. You
and Fiona are next in line for the
throne.
 
SHREK
Ooo. Next in line. Now you see
Dad, that’s why people love you.
Even on your deathbed, you’re still
making jokes. [The King stares at him, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
closer.] Oh, come on Dad…an Ogre as King?
I don’t think that’s such a good
idea. There’s got to be somebody
else. Anybody?
 
KING HAROLD
Aside from you there is only one
remaining heir.
 
Shrek brightens.
 
SHREK
Really!? Who is he, Dad?
 
KING HAROLD
His name is… is… is…
 
SHREK
What’s his name? What’s his name?!
 
KING HAROLD
…is …
Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in
anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
 
FIONA
Daddy!
 
[The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]
 
KING HAROLD
(chewing the fly)
His name is Arthur.
 
SHREK
Arthur?
 
KING HAROLD: (COUGH) I know you’ll do what’s… (EXHALING) riiiight… He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
 
QUEEN
Harold?
 
SHREK: Dad? Dad! Dad?
DONKEY
[bows his head] Do your thing, man. 
 
 SHREK
 Not fast enough.
 
 Puss leaps onto the bed.
 
 PUSS
 Okay. You have a very full day
 filling in for the King and Queen.
 There are several functions that
 require your attendance, sir.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
 
 SHREK
 Great! Let’s get started.
 
 Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
 starts to snore.
 
 DONKEY
 C’mon, lazy bones, time to get
 movin’!
 
 Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
 surprised to see Shrek’s bare legs.
 
 DONKEY
 Aaahhh! You know you really need
 to get yourself a pair of jammies.
 
 Shrek sighs.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
 
 The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
 "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
 title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
 
 A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
 walks down the aisle of the church.
 
 Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
 
 Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn’t have any idea
 what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
 indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
 starts to knight the knight.
 
 SHREK
 I knight thee…
 
 Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
 
 SHREK
 He-he. Ooh.
 
 The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
 
 
 CUT TO:
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
 
 Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
 Navy.
 
 Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
 boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
 the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
 side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
 
 Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
 heads as they leave.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
 
 Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
 Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
 them.
 
 DONKEY
 Well, since you’re filling in for
 one, you might as well look like a
 real King. Can somebody come in
 here and work on Shrek please?
 
 Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
 
 RAUL
 (AHEM)
 I will see what I can do.
 
 He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
 
 Suddenly Shrek’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
 
 A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
 cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
 turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
 away at Shrek’s gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
 
 We see a close-up of Shrek’s eye. A mascara brush comes into
 frame and pulls at Shrek’s eyelash.
 
 Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
 
 FIONA
 Ow!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
 
 
 
 Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
 reveal that the lips are Shrek’s.
 
 A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek’s back. It keeps
 snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
 tighten up the zipper all the way.
 
 A small sock is placed onto Shrek’s foot. With a shoe horn,
 Shrek’s foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
 
 A collar is placed around Fiona’s neck and her corset is
 tightened.
 
 A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek’s
 belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
 
 
 INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
 
 REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
 Renaissance outfits.
 
 Donkey gasps.
 
 DONKEY
 Oh!
 
 Puss rolls his eyes.
 
 PUSS
 Yeah, wow.
 
 Fiona is uncomfortable.
 
 FIONA
 Uh, is this really necessary?
 
 RAUL
 (TO SHREK)
 Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
 
 SHREK
 I’m Shrek, you twit.
 
 RAUL
 Whatever.
 
 PUSS
 Okay peoples! This isn’t a
 rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.
 
 DONKEY
 Smiles everyone, smiles!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
 
 
 
 Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
 arriving at the party.
 
 Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
 
 SHREK
 I don’t know how much longer I can
 keep this up Fiona.
 
 FIONA
 I’m sorry Shrek, but can you please
 just try to grin and bear it? It’s
 just until Dad gets better.
 
 Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
 
 FIONA
 Shrek?
 
 SHREK
 Yeah.
 
 FIONA
 You look handsome.
 
 SHREK
 Ah. Come here, you.
 
 She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
 back.
 
 Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
 their bulky outfits prevent it.
 
 Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
 
 SHREK
 Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
 and I can’t reach it in this monkey
 suit!
 
 Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
 
 SHREK
 Oh.
 (WHISTLE)
 Hey you. Come here!
 
 A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
 
 SHREK
 What’s your name?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
 
 
 
 FIDDLESWORTH
 Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
 
 SHREK
 Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
 
 
 INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
 
 MASTER OF CEREMONIES
 Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
 Fiona and Sir Shrek!
 
 The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
 Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek’s butt.
 
 SHREK
 You’ve done it. Oh, a little over
 to the left, yeah. That’s great.
 
 FIONA
 Uh Shrek?
 
 Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek’s itch. The crowd
 looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
 
 SHREK
 Ahh! All right, you got it…Oh
 yeah, you’re on it. Oh that’s it!
 Oh that’s good!
 
 FIONA
 Shrek…
 
 SHREK
 Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
 got it. You’re on it. That’s
 great!
 
 FIONA
 SHREK!
 
 Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
 freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
 
 Suddenly Shrek’s belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
 eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
 
 DONKEY
 Ow!! My eye! My eye!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
 
 
 
 As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
 
 WOMAN
 What are you doing?
 
 The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
 guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
 axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
 axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
 maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
 vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
 
 Shrek’s tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
 Shrek’s pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
 pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
 
 SHREK
 Fiona!
 
 He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
 stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
 through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
 trapping him.
 
 FIDDLESWORTH
 Uhhh…
 (WIMPER)
 
 Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
 
 SHREK
 Are you okay?
 
 FIONA
 Yeah. I’m fine.
 
 Fiona’s eyes suddenly widen.
 
 Fiddlesworth’s jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
 carrying flaming skewers.
 
 FIDDLESWORTH
 Ahhhh!
 
 The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
 with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
 land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
 the skewers out and takes a bite.
 
 DONKEY
 Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
 
 
 
 The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
 ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
 
 The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
 slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
 
 CRASH! BANG!
 
 CUT TO BLACK:
 
 
 INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 The door to Fiona’s room flies open.
 
 SHREK
 That’s it! We’re leaving!
 
 Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
 
 FIONA
 Honey, please calm down…
 
 Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
 
 SHREK
 Calm down? Who do you think we’re
 kidding? I am an ogre! I’m not cut
 out for this, Fiona and I never
 will be.
 
 Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
 his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
 Donkey.
 
 DONKEY
 I think that went pretty well.
 
 Shrek startles.
 
 SHREK
 Donkey!
 
 Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
 
 DONKEY
 Aww, come on now Shrek!
 
 Shrek slams the door shut.
 
 Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
 his pillow.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
 
 
 
 PUSS
 Some people just don’t understand
 boundaries.
 
 Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
 outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
 ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
 blinds.
 
 Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
 to calm him down.
 
 FIONA
 Just think… a couple more days,
 and we’ll be back home in our
 vermin-filled shack, strewn with
 fungus, filled with the rotting
 stench of mud and neglect.
 
 This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
 and exhales. He smiles.
 
 SHREK
 Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
 
 FIONA
 And, uh… maybe even the pitter-
 patter of little feet on the
 floor…?
 
 SHREK
 (LAUGHS)
 That’s right. The swamp rats will
 be spawning.
 
 FIONA
 Uh, no… you know, what I was
 thinking of is a little bit bigger
 than a swamp rat.
 
 SHREK
 Donkey?
 
 FIONA
 No, Shrek. Um… what if -
 THEORETICALLY -
 
 SHREK
 Yeah?
 
 FIONA
 They were little ogre feet?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Oh.
 (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 
 Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
 
 He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
 
 SHREK
 Honey? Let’s try and be rational
 about this. Have you seen a baby
 lately? They just eat and poop and
 they cry and then they cry when
 they poop and they poop when they
 cry…Now, imagine an ogre baby.
 They extra cry and they extra poop.
 
 FIONA
 Shrek.
 
 She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
 
 FIONA
 Don’t you ever think about having a
 family?
 
 Shrek takes her hand.
 
 SHREK
 Right now, you’re my family.
 
 There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
 revealing a Royal Page.
 
 Shrek springs up.
 
 SHREK
 Well, somebody better be dying.
 
 CUT TO:
 COLIN/TIM 
 I'm not going anywhere.
 Neither am I.
 
 Puss takes his hat off.
 
 Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King’s
 request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
 
 We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
 to let the King’s passing sink in.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
 the shops on Rodeo Drive.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
 flag is lowered to half-masked.
 
 
 EXT. POND - LATER
 
 Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
 and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
 for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
 Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
 into the water.
 
 An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
 pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
 "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
 Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
 
 Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
 
 The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
 Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
 sadly gazes at the pond.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
 horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
 hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
 rides off.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
 
 Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
 
 INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
 
 Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
 top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
 and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
 over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
 microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
 "I’ve Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
 
 The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
 pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
 takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
 of empty beer mugs.
 
 Prince Charming enters the bar.
 
 A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
 mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
 the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
 
 Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
 adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
 Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
 notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
 Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
 glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks
 by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
 playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
 the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck.
 Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
 bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
 and sits.
 
 Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
 clears his throat.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 What does a Prince have to do to
 get a drink around here?
 
 Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
 with a smiling beer wench.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
 stepsister I’ll never know.
 
 He winks at her. She glares at him.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Where’s Doris, taking the night
 off?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
 
 
 
 MABEL
 She’s not welcome here and neither
 are you.
 
 She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
 
 MABEL (CONT’D)
 What do you want, Charming?
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Oh not much, just a chance at
 redemption…
 (LAUGHS)
 And a Fuzzy Navel.
 
 Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 And Fuzzy Navels for all my
 friends!
 
 Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
 singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
 cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 We’re not your friends.
 
 Prince Charming grows nervous.
 
 The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
 
 From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
 shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Ahh!
 
 Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 You don’t belong here.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You’re right; oh, I mean you’re
 absolutely right, but I mean, do
 any of us?
 
 CYCLOPS
 Do a number on his face!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
 
 
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
 more alike than you think.
 
 Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
 saved Snow White and then what
 happened?
 
 EVIL QUEEN
 Oh, what’s it to you?
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 They left you the un-fairest of
 them all. And now here you are,
 hustling pool to get your next
 meal. How does that feel?
 
 EVIL QUEEN
 Pretty unfair.
 
 Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 And you? Your star puppet abandons
 the show to go and find his father.
 
 PUPPET MASTER
 I hate that little wooden puppet.
 
 Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 And Hook…
 
 Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
 … Need I say more?
 
 Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 And you! Frumpypigskin.
 
 RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 Rumplestiltskin.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Where’s that first-born you were
 promised, hey?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
 
 
 
 Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
 
 Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Mabel, remember how you couldn’t
 get your little fat foot into that
 tiny glass slipper?
 
 Mabel sighs.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
 now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
 with every little last Fairy-tale
 Creature that has ever done you
 wrong.
 
 Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Once upon a time, someone decided
 that we were the losers. But there
 are two sides to every story. And
 our side has not been told.
 
 The crowd listens, rapt.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 So who will join me? Who wants to
 come out on top for once? Who
 wants their happily ever after?!
 
 The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
 room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
 ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
 nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
 
 The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
 
 BLIND MOUSE #1
 This way gents.
 
 The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
 to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
 gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
 set off to retrieve Arthur.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
 
 
 
 On the docks two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
 over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
 
 PUSS
 It’s out of my hands senorita, the
 winds of fate have blown on my
 destiny. But I will never forget
 you. You are the love of my life.
 
 Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
 
 PUSS (CONT’D)
 As are you…
 
 Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
 Puss.
 
 PUSS (CONT’D)
 And you.
 
 Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
 in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
 away from them and into another.
 
 PUSS (CONT’D)
 And, uh… hi. I don’t know you,
 but I’d like to. I gotta go.
 
 Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
 Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
 out a soft wail.
 
 DONKEY
 I know, I know… I don’t want to
 leave you either baby, but you know
 how Shrek is. The dude’s lost
 without me.
 
 She gives him an understanding smile.
 
 DONKEY
 But don’t worry. I’ll send you
 airmail kisses everyday!
 
 He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
 children, holding back tears.
 
 DONKEY
 Alright, be strong babies! Be
 strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
 listen to Mama, alright? And
 Bananas, no more roastin’
 marshmallows on your sister’s head.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
 
 
 
 Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
 
 DONKEY
 Ah, that’s my special boy. Oh,
 come over here, all of you. Give
 your Daddy a big hug!
 
 The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
 
 The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
 and the others.
 
 Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
 
 FIONA
 Shrek, maybe you should just stay
 and be King.
 
 SHREK
 Oh, c’mon, there’s no way I could
 ever run a kingdom. That’s why your
 cousin Arthur’s the perfect choice.
 
 FIONA
 It’s not that. No. It’s, you
 see…
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 And if he gives me any trouble,
 I’ve always got persuasion and
 reason.
 (holds up his right fist)
 Here’s persuasion,
 (holds up his left fist)
 and here’s reason.
 
 Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
 
 SHREK
 Fiona, soon it’s just gonna be you
 and me and our swamp.
 
 FIONA
 (HESITANT)
 It’s not going to be just you and
 me.
 
 The ship’s fog horn sounds.
 
 SHIP CAPTAIN
 All aboard!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 It will be. I promise. I love
 you.
 
 He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
 
 He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
 
 The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
 Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
 
 FAIRYTALE CREATURES
 Awwwwwwwww!
 
 PIG #1
 That’s lovely.
 
 Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
 
 DONKEY
 Bye bye babies!
 
 Fiona runs after the boat.
 
 FIONA
 Shrek!
 
 Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
 
 SHREK
 Yeah?
 
 FIONA
 Wait!
 
 SHREK
 What is it?
 
 She smiles and takes a deep breath.
 
 FIONA
 I’m, I’m-
 
 The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
 smiles back at her.
 
 SHREK
 (LAUGHS)
 I love you too honey!
 
 FIONA
 No… No, I said I’m pr-
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
 
 
 
 The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
 and throws it overboard.
 
 SHREK
 You’re what?!
 
 FIONA
 I said I’m pregnant!
 
 The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
 
 SHREK
 (doesn’t want to believe
 HIS EARS)
 Uh… what was that?
 
 FIONA
 You’re going to be a father!
 
 SHREK
 (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 That’s great.
 
 FIONA
 Really? I’m glad you think so! I
 love you.
 
 Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
 
 SHREK
 Yeah…
 (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 Me too… you…
 
 Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
 
 Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
 
 DONKEY
 I’m gonna be an Uncle. I’m gonna
 be an Uncle! I’m gonna be an
 Uncle!
 
 PUSS
 Oh, and you my friend are royally--
 
 The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
 fog.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
 
 The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
 as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
 
 Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
 
 SHREK
 Ahhh. Home.
 
 He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
 outside of Shrek’s swamp house.
 
 He leaps off the boat.
 
 SHREK
 Woohoo!
 
 
 EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
 
 SHREK
 Ahh.
 
 He skips and dances happily toward his house.
 
 FIONA (O.S.)
 Shrek!?
 
 SHREK
 Ooo.
 (LAUGHS)
 
 
 INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
 presenting himself.
 
 SHREK
 Fiona!
 
 After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
 Fiona is not there.
 
 SHREK
 Fiona?
 
 He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
 behind him.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
 
 
 A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
 slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
 Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
 innocently at him.
 
 SHREK
 Huh? Oh no.
 
 The baby burps.
 
 SHREK
 (AMUSED)
 Better out than in, I always say.
 Ha ha!
 
 OGRE BABY
 Hiccup!
 
 This time the baby’s burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
 directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
 vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
 eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
 The baby looks like it’s about to cry. Shrek raises his
 hands.
 
 SHREK
 No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
 It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
 
 Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
 it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
 that his house is filled with babies.
 
 OGRE BABY
 Da-Da!
 
 Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
 his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
 onto Shrek’s head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
 and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
 tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
 Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
 of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
 over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
 baby out of the cauldron.
 
 SHREK
 Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
 No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
 
 Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
 Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
 through the room picking up babies.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
 
 
 
 
 INT. SHREK’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
 open the curtain to his bedroom.
 
 SHREK
 Huh?
 
 He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
 baby shrugs.
 
 OGRE BABY
 Bubabatoo?
 
 Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
 Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
 First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
 Hundreds of them start piling in.
 
 Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
 runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
 keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
 
 
 INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
 shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
 He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
 high school.
 
 Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
 audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
 pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
 
 Shrek’s eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
 himself.
 
 SHREK
 Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
 up!
 
 Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
 faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
 Donkey’s eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (with ogre baby head)
 Da-da!
 
 A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
 Puss wake up.
 
 SHREK
 Ahhhh!
 
 He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
 
 DONKEY
 Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
 
 SHREK
 Oh… I can’t believe I’m going to
 be a father.
 
 Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
 the ship’s railing.
 
 SHREK
 How did this happen?
 
 PUSS
 Allow me to explain. You see, when
 a man has certain feelings for a
 woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
 him…
 
 SHREK
 I know how it happened. I just
 can’t believe it.
 
 Shrek walks away.
 
 Donkey leans over to Puss.
 
 DONKEY
 How does it happen?
 
 Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
 distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
 
 DONKEY
 (SINGING)
 And the cat’s in the cradle and the
 silver spoon,
 (MORE)
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
 DONKEY (CONT’D)
 Little boy blue and the man in the
 moon.
 
 Shrek rolls his eyes.
 
 DONKEY (CONT’D)
 "When you coming home, son?" "I
 don’t know when,
 But we’ll get together then, Dad-"
 
 Shrek cuts Donkey off.
 
 SHREK
 Donkey, can you just cut to the
 part where you’re supposed to make
 me feel better?
 
 Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
 and whispers into Shrek’s other ear.
 
 PUSS
 You know I love Fiona, Boss.
 Right?
 (CONFIDENTIALLY)
 But what I’m talking about here is
 you, me, my cousin’s boat, an ice-
 cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
 weeks of nothing but fishing.
 
 Puss makes a "let’s go fishing" gesture by casting an
 imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
 whisper in Shrek’s other ear.
 
 DONKEY
 Man, don’t you listen to him.
 Having a baby is not going to ruin
 your life.
 
 SHREK
 It’s not my life I’m worried about
 ruining. It’s the kid’s.
 
 Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
 
 SHREK
 I mean…when have you ever heard
 the phrase "as sweet as an…ogre"
 or "as nurturing as…an ogre" Or
 how `bout…"you’re gonna’ love my
 dad…he’s a real ogre."
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
 it was going to be easy. But at
 least you got us to help you out.
 
 SHREK
 That’s true.
 
 He thinks for a moment.
 
 SHREK
 I’m doomed.
 
 DONKEY
 You’ll be fine.
 
 SHIP CAPTAIN
 You’re finished.
 
 Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
 
 SHIP CAPTAIN
 Uh, with your journey.
 
 He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
 nearby bluff.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
 
 Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
 
 Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
 
 DONKEY
 Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
 sounds fancy.
 
 SHREK
 It’s Worcestershire.
 
 DONKEY
 Like the sauce!? Mmmm… It’s
 spicy!
 
 The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
 
 DONKEY
 Oohh! They must be expecting us.
 
 They start over the drawbridge.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
 
 
 
 A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
 out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
 on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
 
 DONKEY
 What in the shista-shire kind of
 place is this?
 
 Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
 
 SHREK
 Well, my stomach aches and my palms
 just got sweaty. Must be a high
 school.
 
 DONKEY
 High school?!
 
 
 EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
 
 A group of cheerleaders practice.
 
 CHEERLEADERS
 Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
 headed, to the top? Yeah we think
 so, we think so! And dost thou
 thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
 we thinks not! We thinks not!
 
 Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
 he walks through the courtyard.
 
 FEMALE STUDENT #1
 Ahhhhh!
 
 The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
 a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
 A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
 Student Driver."
 
 DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
 All right Mr. Percival, just ease
 up on the regins...
 
 The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
 
 Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
 
 VAN STUDENT
 (cough, cough)
 For lo bro, don’t burn all my
 frankincense and myrrh.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 I’m already starting to feel
 nauseous from memories of wedgies
 and swirlies!
 
 PUSS
 But how did you receive the wedgies
 when you are clearly not the wearer
 of the underpants?
 
 DONKEY
 Let’s just say some things are
 better left unsaid and leave it at
 that.
 
 He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
 
 GUINEVERRE
 So then I was all like "I’d rather
 get the black plague and lock
 myself in an iron maiden than go
 out with you."
 
 TIFFANY
 Eh, totally.
 
 Shrek approaches them.
 
 SHREK
 Pardon me…
 
 They flee in terror.
 
 GUINEVERRE
 Eh! Totally ew-th!
 
 TIFFANY
 Yeah, totally!
 
 A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
 game.
 
 GARY
 Yes! I just altered my character
 level to plus three superbability.
 
 SHREK
 Hi, we’re looking for someone named-
 
 GARY
 Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
 spell and summoned the beast and
 his quadrupeds.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
 
 
 
 XAVIER
 Ha! Ha!
 (SNORT)
 Ah!
 
 The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
 
 SHREK
 I know you’re busy "not fitting in"
 but can either of you tell me where
 I can find Arthur?
 
 While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
 towards the athletic field.
 
 GARY
 He’s over there.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
 He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
 
 Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
 charge. It’s an exciting back and forth.
 
 Hooves pound on sand.
 
 The Knight’s eyes steady.
 
 The horse rears majestically.
 
 The opponent’s eyes widen in fear.
 
 The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
 lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
 
 Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
 helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
 his victory.
 
 KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
 on thy tongue than victory!
 
 JOCKS
 Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
 
 Shrek turns to Puss.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
 Does Arthur look like a King or
 what?
 
 Shrek steps forward.
 
 TEENAGER (ARTIE)
 Ow.
 
 Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
 LANCELOT’s opponent. Shrek steps back.
 
 SHREK
 Oh. Sorry.
 
 The kid doesn’t budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
 where he hit the ground.
 
 TEENAGER (ARTIE)
 Did you just say you were looking
 for Arthur?
 
 Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
 
 PUSS
 That information is on a need to
 know basis.
 
 DONKEY
 It’s top secret, hushity hush.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
 
 The Knight commands his troops.
 
 KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 Now gentlemen let’s away… to the
 showers!
 
 JOCKS
 Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
 
 Shrek approaches the Knight.
 
 The Knight’s horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
 gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
 
 
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 Greetings your majesty. This is
 your lucky day.
 
 KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 So what for like are you supposed
 to be? Some kind of giant mutant
 leprechaun or something?
 
 SHREK
 Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
 leprechaun… You made a funny.
 
 Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
 ogre-style.
 
 KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 Unhand me, monster!
 
 SHREK
 Stop squirming, Arthur.
 
 KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 I’m not Arthur!
 
 Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
 tries to regain his dignity.
 
 LANCELOT
 I am Lancelot.
 
 Lancelot points across the school yard.
 
 LANCELOT
 That dork over there is Arthur!
 
 He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
 school yard.
 
 SHREK
 Hey!
 
 Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
 
 Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
 
 LANCELOT
 Aaah.
 
 Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
 up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
 
 
 
 GUINEVERRE
 Ahem! This is like totally
 embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
 thinkest thou vex her so soothly…
 
 The other girls giggle.
 
 GUINEVERRE
 And she thought perchance thou
 would wanna ask her to the
 Homecoming Dance or something…
 
 SHREK
 Uh, excuse me?
 
 GUINEVERRE
 It’s like whatever. She’s just
 totally into college guys and
 mythical creatures and stuff.
 
 She pops her gum.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. HALLWAY - LATER
 
 Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
 
 SHREK
 Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
 wherever you are…
 
 Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
 Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
 stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
 
 DONKEY
 Yeah, you better run, you little
 punk no good-niks, `cause the days
 of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
 are over!
 
 An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey’s butt.
 
 Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
 HALL MONITOR who stops them.
 
 HALL MONITOR
 
 Hold it…
 
 Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
 
 
 
 COSTUME STUDENT 1
 We’re here for the Mascot Contest.
 
 COSTUME STUDENT 2
 Grrrrr!
 
 The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
 
 SHREK
 (pleased with himself)
 We’re here for the Mascot Contest
 too.
 
 The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
 and pulling Shrek’s skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
 
 HALL MONITOR
 (SUSPICIOUS)
 This is a costume?
 
 SHREK
 (RECOVERING)
 Aaaiyyyy… worked on it all night
 long!
 
 The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
 struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
 suspicious.
 
 HALL MONITOR
 Looks pretty real to me.
 
 PUSS
 If it were real could I do this?
 
 Puss’s claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
 Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek’s butt.
 
 DONKEY
 Or this?
 
 Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
 Shrek winces and sweats.
 
 SHREK
 (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
 He’s right! If it were real that
 would have been agonizingly
 painful!
 
 DONKEY
 Now watch this….
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
 GRITTED TEETH)
 That’s quite enough boys.
 
 
 INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
 student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
 
 PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 Thank you to Professor Primbottom
 for his invigorating lecture on how
 to just say "nay".
 
 Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
 up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
 
 PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 And now, without further ado, let’s
 give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
 to the winner of our "New Mascot"
 contest… the--
 
 Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
 
 PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT’D)
 --ogre?
 
 The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
 
 SHREK
 That’s right. I’m the new mascot.
 So let’s really try and beat the
 other guys… at whatever it is
 they’re doing.
 
 The band plays Smashmouth’s "Rock Star."
 
 PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 This is indeed all a bit
 unorthodox.
 
 Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley’s
 megaphone.
 
 SHREK
 Now, where can I find Arthur
 Pendragon?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
 
 
 
 The students all point… to the basketball hoop, where Artie
 hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
 and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
 
 In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
 
 LANCELOT
 Classic.
 
 Donkey turns to Lancelot.
 
 DONKEY
 You should be ashamed of yourself.
 
 LANCELOT
 I didn’t do it. They did.
 
 Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
 with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
 
 Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
 
 ARTIE
 Please don’t eat me.
 
 STUDENTS
 (CHANTING)
 Eat him! Eat him!
 
 Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
 
 PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 Eat him!
 Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
 
 SHREK
 I’m not here to eat him.
 
 STUDENTS
 AWWW.
 
 SHREK
 It’s time to pack up your
 toothbrush and jammies. You’re the
 new King of Far Far Away.
 
 ARTIE
 What?
 
 The students react with surprise and disbelief.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
 
 
 
 LANCELOT
 Artie a King? More like the Mayor
 of Loserville.
 
 BOHORT
 Nice one Lance!
 
 They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
 
 LANCELOT
 Burn.
 
 Everyone laughs.
 
 ARTIE
 Is this for real?
 
 SHREK
 Absolutely. Now clean out your
 locker, kid. You’ve got a kingdom
 to run.
 
 ARTIE
 So wait, I’m really the only heir?
 
 Shrek pauses for just a moment, then…
 
 SHREK
 The one and only.
 
 ARTIE
 Give me just a second.
 
 Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
 speech.
 
 ARTIE
 My good people, I think there’s a
 lesson here for all of us. Maybe
 the next time you’re about to dunk
 a kid’s head in a chamber pot,
 you’ll stop and think, hey, maybe
 this guy has feelings. Maybe I
 should cut him some slack. Because
 maybe, just maybe… this guy’s
 gonna turn out to be, uh…I
 dunno…a King! And maybe his
 first royal decree will be to
 banish everyone who ever picked on
 him -- that’s right, I’m looking at
 you, jousting team.
 
 Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 And Gwen… oh Gwen. I’ve always
 loved you.
 
 GUINEVERRE
 Ew.
 
 ARTIE
 Well good friends, it breaks my
 heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
 prison while I rule the free world
 baby!
 
 SHREK
 Alright, let’s not overdo it.
 
 ARTIE
 I’m building my city people! On
 Rock and Roll!
 
 SHREK
 You just overdid it.
 
 Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
 
 ARTIE
 Ow!
 
 Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. LIBRARY - DAY
 
 All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
 Fiona’s baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
 flowered wreath on Fiona’s head. The Princesses all gaze at
 her.
 
 PRINCESSES
 (GASP)
 Oh!
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Look at you!
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Wow!
 
 SNOW WHITE
 You look darling!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
 
 
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 Just precious! Look at her!
 
 RAPUNZEL
 So, have you had any cravings since
 you’ve been pregnant?
 
 Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
 cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
 
 FIONA
 (MOUTH FULL)
 No, no, not at all.
 
 She takes another bite.
 
 FIONA
 Do you smell ham?
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 Oooh! It’s present time!
 
 The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
 chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
 
 CINDERELLA
 Oh, Fiona, won’t you please open
 mine first? It’s the one in front.
 
 Fiona reads the card.
 
 FIONA
 (READING)
 "Congratulations on your new mess
 maker…" Oh, `mess maker.’
 (LAUGHS)
 "Hopefully this helps. Love,
 Cinderella."
 
 Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
 scooper.
 
 PRINCESSES
 Oooo! Aaaah!
 
 DORIS
 Will you look at that!
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 What is it?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
 
 
 
 CINDERELLA
 It’s for the poopies.
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 Eww. Wait, babies poop?
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Everyone poops Beauty.
 
 The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
 
 PIG #2
 Fiona…
 
 PIG #1
 Fiona! We all chipped in for a
 little present too.
 
 PIGS
 Yah!
 
 Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
 Gingerbread Man inside.
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
 Ta dah!
 
 PRINCESSES
 Oooh.
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 You know the baby’s gonna love it
 because I do!
 
 FIONA
 Oh, you guys, that’s so sweet.
 Thank you.
 
 Fiona turns to another present.
 
 FIONA
 Who’s this one from?
 
 SNOW WHITE
 I got you the biggest one because I
 love you the most.
 
 The other girls scowl at her.
 
 FIONA
 (reading the card)
 "Have one on me, love Snow White"
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
 
 
 
 Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
 
 FIONA
 (CONFUSED)
 Umm… what is it?
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Ha, haaa! He’s a live-in baby-
 sitter.
 
 NANNY DWARF
 Where’s the baby?
 
 FIONA
 You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t
 accept this.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Think nothing of it. I’ve got six
 more at home.
 
 FIONA
 What does he do?
 
 CINDERELLA
 The cleaning.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 The feeding.
 
 NANNY DWARF
 The burping.
 
 FIONA
 So what are Shrek and I supposed to
 do?
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Well, now you’ll have plenty of
 time to work on your marriage.
 
 FIONA
 Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what’s
 that supposed to mean?
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
 what happens.
 
 Cinderella prods beauty.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
 
 
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 (WAKING)
 Huh? You’re tired all the time…
 
 SNOW WHITE
 You’ll start letting yourself go…
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Stretch marks!
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Say goodbye to romance.
 
 Dragon puts her head through the window.
 
 DRAGON
 Yort.
 
 FIONA
 Um sorry… but how many of you
 have kids?
 
 Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
 
 DORIS
 She’s right. A baby is only gonna
 strengthen the love that Shrek and
 Fiona have. How did Shrek react
 when you told him? Tell me!
 
 Fiona smiles.
 
 FIONA
 Well, when he first found
 out…Shrek said-
 
 DRAGON
 Roarrr!
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
 
 The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
 broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
 the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
 with one of the witches.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
 (LAUGHING)
 Onward my new friends.
 (MORE)
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
 PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
 To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
 ha ha ha!
 
 A bug flies into his mouth.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
 
 Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Now, bombs away!
 
 From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
 swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
 
 The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
 branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
 parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
 Rodeo Drive.
 
 
 EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
 
 A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
 are diving out of her way.
 
 The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
 terror.
 
 EVIL TREES
 Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
 
 A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
 Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Well, well, well. If it isn’t
 Peter Pan.
 
 MOTHER
 His name’s not Peter!
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Shut it, Wendy!
 
 MOTHER
 Ahhh!
 
 Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
 They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
 "Ye Olde HOOTERS."
 
 The excited patrons race back in.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
 
 
 
 An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
 takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
 
 Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
 Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
 envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
 
 CYCLOPS
 Ha, ha, ha, ha!
 
 The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
 flying down Rodeo Drive.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Enough pillaging! To the castle!
 
 Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
 up to the castle.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
 The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
 of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
 
 Fiona runs to the window.
 
 The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
 struggles.
 
 DRAGON
 Roarrrr!
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
 BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
 
 The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
 furniture in front of the door.
 
 The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
 themselves against the furniture.
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 (TO FIONA)
 You go and take care of the baby!
 
 The Princesses panic.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
 
 
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Everybody stay calm. We’re all
 going to die!
 
 Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (WHIMPER)
 
 Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
 revealing an underground passageway.
 
 FIONA
 Everyone in! Now.
 
 
 
 INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
 
 Prince Charming commands the Villains.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 C’mon. Put some back into it
 people!
 
 The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
 rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
 
 CYCLOPS
 Yee-haw! Ow.
 
 
 INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
 BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
 
 FIONA
 We don’t have time. Now go!
 
 QUEEN
 Quickly ladies!
 
 The Princesses go down the stairs.
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 We’ll hold them off as long as we
 can!
 
 BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
 Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
 the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
 
 
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Where are Shrek and Fiona?
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Name doesn’t ring a bell.
 
 PIG #1
 Yah!
 
 PIG #2
 No bell!
 
 The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 I suggest you freaks cooperate with
 the new King of Far Far Away.
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 The only thing you’re ever gonna be
 King of is "King of the Stupids."
 
 Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Hook!
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Right!
 
 Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Avast, ye cookie!
 
 He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man’s chin.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Start talkin’!
 
 Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
 
 A montage of Gingerbread Man’s life flashes before his eyes.
 
 
 INT. BAKERY - DAY
 
 A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
 puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
 
 MUFFIN MAN
 Gingy!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
 
 
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 Papa!
 
 
 INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man is attending school.
 
 TEACHER
 Settle down, now.
 
 Gingerbread Man graduates.
 
 
 EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
 
 
 INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
 
 Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
 
 
 EXT. CHURCH - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
 wife.
 
 
 INT. FARQUAAD’S CASTLE - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
 legs.
 
 
 INT. GYM - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
 rehabilitation.
 
 
 EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
 
 Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
 
 CUT BACK TO:
 
 
 INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
 
 
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 (SINGING)
 "On the Good Ship Lollypop,
 It’s a sweet trip,
 To the candy shop,
 Where the Bon Bons play,
 On the sunny beach of Peppermint
 Bay.."
 
 Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio’s head
 towards him.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You! You can’t lie. So tell me
 puppet… Where is Shrek?!
 
 Pinocchio thinks.
 
 PINOCCHIO
 (NERVOUS)
 Well, I don’t know where he’s not.
 
 Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio’s face.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You’re telling me you don’t know
 where Shrek is?
 
 Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
 
 PINOCCHIO
 It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume
 that I couldn’t exactly not say
 that is or isn’t almost partially
 incorrect.
 
 Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 So you do know where he is!
 
 PINOCCHIO
 On the contrary, I’m possibly more
 or less, not definitely rejecting
 the idea, that in no way, with any
 amount of uncertainty that…
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Stop it.
 
 PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
 …I undeniably do or do not know
 where he shouldn’t probably be.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
 
 
 
 Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
 are frustrated.
 
 PINOCCHIO
 If that indeed wasn’t where he
 isn’t. Even if he wasn’t not where
 I knew he was could mean that I
 wouldn’t completely not know where
 he wasn’t.
 
 Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
 
 PIG #1
 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
 bring back the next heir! Oh!
 
 The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
 mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 He’s bringing back the next heir?
 
 PINOCCHIO
 No!
 
 Pinocchio’s nose grows.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Right!
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 But bring Shrek to me. I have
 something special in mind for him.
 
 PINOCCHIO
 He’ll never fall for your tricks!
 
 Pinocchio’s nose grows again.
 
 WOLF
 Oh boy.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
 
 The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
 watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 I can’t believe it… me a King?
 I…I mean I knew I came from
 royalty and all, but I just figured
 everyone forgot about me.
 
 He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
 
 SHREK
 Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
 you personally.
 
 Artie smiles.
 
 ARTIE
 Really? Wow! Look, I know it’s not
 all gonna be fun and games.
 
 SHREK
 It really is all fun and games,
 actually. Sure, you have to knight
 a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
 By the way, make sure you hit the
 boat just right with the bottle.
 
 ARTIE
 Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
 can hit a boat with a bottle.
 
 Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
 
 SHREK
 Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than
 it looks.
 
 ARTIE
 Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
 Parties, princesses, castles…
 princesses.
 
 DONKEY
 It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll
 be living in the lap of luxury.
 They got the finest chefs around
 waiting for you to place your
 order.
 
 Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
 
 PUSS
 And fortunately you’ll have the
 royal food tasters.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 (INTRIGUED))
 Oh yeah? What do they do?
 
 PUSS
 They taste the food before the King
 eats, to make sure it’s not
 poisoned.
 
 ARTIE
 Poisoned?
 
 Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
 
 SHREK
 Or too salty!
 
 Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
 
 DONKEY
 (TO ARTIE)
 Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
 safe and sound with the help of
 your body guards.
 
 ARTIE
 Body guards?
 
 PUSS
 All of them, willing at a moment’s
 notice to lay down their own lives
 out of devotion to you.
 
 ARTIE
 Really?
 
 PUSS
 Si, and the whole kingdom will look
 to you for wisdom and guidance.
 
 Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
 
 DONKEY
 Just make sure they don’t die of
 famine.
 
 PUSS
 Or plague.
 
 DONKEY
 Oh, plague is bad.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
 
 
 
 PUSS
 The coughing, the groaning, the
 festering sores.
 
 Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
 
 SHREK
 Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
 one funny kitty cat.
 
 PUSS
 What did I say?
 
 SHREK
 We don’t want Artie here getting
 the wrong idea.
 
 Shrek motions to Artie, but he’s gone. They all look around.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 Uh, Artie?
 
 The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
 himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
 
 ALL
 Whoa!
 
 Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
 direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
 and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
 slides by.
 
 SHIP CAPTAIN
 Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
 
 SHREK
 Artie!
 
 Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 What are you doing?!
 
 The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
 Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
 
 A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
 
 ARTIE
 What does it look like?!
 
 He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
 
 
 
 He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
 up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
 
 SHREK
 This really isn’t up to you!
 
 Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
 wheel back the other way.
 
 ARTIE
 But I don’t know anything about
 being King!
 
 SHREK
 You’ll learn on the job!
 
 Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
 
 DONKEY
 Whoaaa!
 
 Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
 wheel. They wrestle for control.
 
 ARTIE
 Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
 going back!
 
 SHREK
 Back to what? Being a loser?!
 
 As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone
 too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
 yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
 decking.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 Now look what you did!
 
 ARTIE
 Look what I did? Who’s holding the
 wheel chief?
 
 Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
 about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
 
 DONKEY
 (SWALLOWING; THEN
 SHOUTING)
 Shrek!
 
 Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
 the ship clear of the rocks.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
 
 
 
 The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
 crash into the rocks.
 
 SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
 Land ho!
 
 
 EXT. BEACH - DUSK
 
 Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
 He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
 drops Puss and Donkey.
 
 Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
 puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
 
 PUSS
 How humiliating…
 
 SHREK
 Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
 
 ARTIE
 Oh, so now it’s "Your highness?"
 What happened to "loser?" Huh?
 
 SHREK
 Hey, if you think this is getting
 you out of anything, well it isn’t.
 We’re heading back to Far Far Away
 one way or another, and you’re
 gonna be a father!
 
 Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
 uncomfortably.
 
 ARTIE
 What?
 
 DONKEY
 (clearing his throat)
 A-hem. You just said father…
 
 SHREK
 You’re… I said king. You’re
 gonna be King!
 
 ARTIE
 (IMITATING SHREK)
 "You’re gonna be King!" Yeah
 right.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
 
 
 
 Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
 path into the woods.
 
 SHREK
 Where do you think you’re going?
 
 ARTIE
 Far Far Away… from you!
 
 SHREK
 You get back here young man and I
 mean it!
 
 Artie keeps climbing.
 
 PUSS
 Uh boss, I don’t think he’s coming
 back and maybe it’s for the best.
 He is not exactly king material.
 
 Shrek looks towards Artie.
 
 DONKEY
 When were you planning on telling
 him that you were really supposed
 to be King?
 
 SHREK
 Oh c’mon, now why would I do that?
 Besides, he’ll be ten times better
 at it than me.
 
 Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
 
 DONKEY
 Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
 you’re gonna have to change your
 tactics if you want to get anywhere
 with this kid.
 
 Beat.
 
 SHREK
 You’re right, Donkey.
 
 Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
 
 SHREK
 What about this?
 
 Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 Shrek!
 
 Shrek tosses the log.
 
 SHREK
 Oh c’mon. It’s just a joke.
 (LAUGHS)
 Still…
 
 Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
 
 
 EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Artie marches up the mountain trail.
 
 Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
 with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
 
 SHREK
 Listen Artie…
 
 Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
 keeps going.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 If you think this whole mad scene
 ain’t dope, I feel you dude. I
 mean, I’m not trying to get up in
 your grill or raise your roof or
 whatever, but what I am screaming
 is, yo, check out this kazing
 thazing bazaby.
 
 Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
 cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
 
 SHREK
 I mean, if it doesn’t groove or
 what I’m saying ain’t straight
 trippin’, just say, oh no you
 didn’t, you know, you’re gettin’ on
 my last nerve. And then I’ll know
 it’s… then I’ll know it’s whack--
 
 Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
 striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
 
 A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
 shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
 door.
 
 ARTIE
 SOMEBODY HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
 BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
 ME!
 
 SHREK
 Artie! Wait!
 
 
 Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
 
 ARTIE
 C’mon! C’mon! Help! Help!
 Hello?
 
 Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
 is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
 wizard’s head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
 
 DONKEY
 AHHHH!
 
 WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
 Greetings cosmic children of the
 universe, and welcome to my
 serenity circle!
 
 Shrek watches.
 
 WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
 Please leave any bad vibes outside
 the healing vortex. And now
 prepare …
 
 With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
 
 The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
 
 MERLIN
 I knew I should of gotten that
 warranty!
 
 Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
 is promptly zapped in the head.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
 
 
 
 MERLIN
 AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
 
 ARTIE
 Mr. Merlin?
 
 SHREK
 You know this guy?
 
 ARTIE
 Yeah. He was the school’s magic
 teacher until he had his nervous
 breakdown.
 
 MERLIN
 Uh, technically I was merely a
 victim of a level three fatigue,
 and at the request of my therapist
 and the school authorities, I have
 retired to the tranquility of
 nature to discover my divine
 purpose.
 
 Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
 
 Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
 
 
 
 MERLIN
 Now, can I interest anyone in a
 snack or beverage?
 
 SHREK
 Uh, no.
 
 Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
 
 MERLIN
 Sure you don’t wanna try my famous
 rock au-gratin?
 
 Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
 from eating rocks.
 
 MERLIN
 It’s organic!
 
 They both stare at him uncomfortably.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
 the way in. What we need are
 directions back to Far Far Away.
 
 ARTIE
 What’s with the "we"? Who said I
 was going with you?
 
 SHREK
 Oh, I did. Cause there’s a lot of
 people counting on you so don’t try
 and weasel out of it.
 
 ARTIE
 If it’s such a great job, why don’t
 you do it?
 
 SHREK
 Understand this kid, it’s no more
 Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
 
 ARTIE
 Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
 Guy?"
 
 SHREK
 I know, and I’m gonna miss him.
 
 ARTIE
 You know what? Why don’t you go
 terrorize a village and leave me
 alone?
 
 SHREK
 Oh, is that some kind of crack
 about ogres? You get your royal
 highness to Far Far Away before I
 kick it there.
 (TO MERLIN)
 Now which way am I kicking?
 
 MERLIN
 Oh, I could tell you. But since
 you’re in the midst of self-
 destructive rage spiral it would be
 karmic-ly irresponsible.
 
 SHREK
 Self-destructive ra…
 (TO MERLIN)
 Look, are you gonna help us or not?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
 
 
 
 MERLIN
 Most definitely, but only after you
 take the journey to your soul.
 
 SHREK
 Yeah, I don’t think so.
 
 MERLIN
 Look pal, it’s either that or some
 primal scream therapy.
 Ahhhhhhhhhh!
 
 Shrek grabs Merlin’s mouth and closes it.
 
 SHREK
 Alright, alright… journey to the
 soul…
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - LATER
 
 A fire blazes.
 
 Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
 
 MERLIN
 Now all of you, look into the "Fire
 of Truth" and tell me what you see!
 Yah! Ha!
 (Wild war cry)
 Woo-looo-looo-looo!
 
 He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
 Rorschach inkblots).
 
 Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
 
 DONKEY
 Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
 dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
 swirls.
 
 MERLIN
 Okay. Monster, go for it.
 
 Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
 begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
 He covers his fear and changes the subject.
 
 SHREK
 I see a rainbow pony.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
 
 
 
 MERLIN
 Excellent work!
 (THEN)
 Now! The boy!
 
 ARTIE
 This is lame.
 
 Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
 
 ARTIE
 Ow!
 
 MERLIN
 You’re lame! Now just go for it.
 
 He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
 
 ARTIE
 Okay. There’s a baby bird and a
 father bird sitting in a nest.
 
 Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie’s expression starts to
 change as he stays focused.
 
 MERLIN
 Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
 
 ARTIE
 Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
 did he leave the little bird all
 alone?
 
 Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
 worked up.
 
 ARTIE
 It’s trying to fly, but it doesn’t
 know how to. It.. it’s gonna fall!
 
 Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
 away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
 stunned.
 
 MERLIN
 Whew, proper head case you are,
 aren’t you? Really messed up.
 Whoa.
 
 Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
 bird’s me. My dad left. So what?
 
 
 Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
 Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
 
 SHREK
 (CLEARS THROAT)
 Look Artie…um-
 
 Just as he’s about to get going, "That’s What Friends Are
 For" starts playing loudly from Merlin’s security device
 drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
 shack where Merlin peeks out.
 
 MERLIN
 (loud, over the music)
 Just thought I might help set the
 mood! Y’know for your big heart to
 heart chat!
 
 Everyone stares at him.
 
 He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It’s
 quiet again.
 
 SHREK
 I know what it’s like to not feel
 ready for something.
 
 Artie looks at him.
 
 SHREK
 Even ogres get scared…you know,
 once in a while.
 
 ARTIE
 I know you want me to be king, but
 I can’t. I’m not cut out for it and
 I never will be, alright?
 
 Shrek takes this in.
 
 ARTIE (CONT’D)
 Even my own dad knew I wasn’t worth
 the trouble. He dumped me at that
 school the first chance he got and
 I never heard from him again.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 My dad wasn’t really the fatherly
 type either.
 
 ARTIE
 Well, I doubt he was worse than
 mine.
 
 SHREK
 Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
 He tried to eat me.
 
 Artie looks at Shrek.
 
 SHREK
 Now, I guess I should have seen it
 coming. He used to give me a bath
 in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
 with an apple in my mouth.
 
 Artie chuckles at this.
 
 ARTIE
 Okay… I guess that’s… pretty
 bad.
 
 Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
 
 SHREK
 You know, it may be hard to believe
 what with my obvious charm and good
 looks, but people used to think
 that I was a monster. And for a
 long time, I believed them.
 
 Artie looks up at Shrek.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 But after awhile, you learn to
 ignore the names that people call
 you and you just trust who you are.
 
 Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
 
 ARTIE
 You know, you’re okay, Shrek.
 
 He tosses the stick into the fire.
 
 ARTIE
 You just need to do a little less
 yelling and use a little more soap.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Thanks Artie.
 
 ARTIE
 The soap’s because you stink.
 Really bad.
 
 SHREK
 Yeah. I got that.
 
 The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
 fire continues to burn.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
 
 The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
 darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
 below the castle.
 
 They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
 the way, holding a torch.
 
 CINDERELLA
 Oh this place is filthy. I feel
 like a hobo.
 
 Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 I’m sorry but this just isn’t
 working for me.
 
 Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 Everything’s always about you,
 isn’t it? It’s not like your
 attitude is helping, Snow.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Well maybe it just bothers you that
 I was voted fairest in the land.
 
 RAPUNZEL
 You mean in that rigged election?
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Oh, give me a break.
 (gesturing toward hair)
 (MORE)
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
 SNOW WHITE (cont’d)
 "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
 golden extensions!"
 
 QUEEN
 Ladies, let go of your petty
 complaints and let’s work together.
 
 Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
 
 Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
 Princesses follow.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 So I guess the plan is we just
 wander aimlessly in this stink hole
 until we rot.
 
 FIONA
 No, we’re gonna get inside and find
 out what Charming’s up to.
 
 DORIS
 I know he’s a jerk and everything,
 but I gotta admit, that Charming
 makes me hotter than July.
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 Ew!
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Ugh.
 
 Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
 
 FIONA
 That’s it!
 
 Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
 and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
 
 They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
 outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
 a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
 set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
 
 The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
 
 Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
 Princesses to follow her.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
 
 
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Come on, this way!
 
 FIONA
 Rapunzel. Wait!
 
 Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
 sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
 the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
 arm.
 
 FIONA
 Charming, let go of her.
 
 A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
 
 Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 But why would I want to do that?
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Grrrr!
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Woof!
 
 He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
 kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
 
 FIONA
 What?
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
 of Far Far Away.
 
 Cinderella claps excitedly.
 
 CINDERELLA
 Yaaaaaaaaay!
 
 The Princesses stare her down.
 
 FIONA
 Rapunzel, how could you?
 
 RAPUNZEL
 Jealous much?
 
 Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
 
 
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Soon you’ll be back where you
 started… scrubbing floors or
 locked away in towers; that is, if
 I let you last the week.
 
 RAPUNZEL
 But Pooky, you promised you
 wouldn’t hurt them!
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
 will discuss it later. Now forgive
 us, we have a show to put on.
 
 FIONA
 Shrek will be back soon Charming,
 and you’ll be sorry.
 
 He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Sorry? Don’t you realize --once
 Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
 he’s doomed?
 
 Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
 apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
 
 The guards march them off.
 
 Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
 Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
 
 Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
 looking around. He realizes it’s morning.
 
 Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
 the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
 
 Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
 everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
 everyone.
 
 The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
 
 The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
 Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 Ow!
 
 The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
 wakes up.
 
 DONKEY
 Ahhh!
 
 The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
 trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
 
 The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
 away from his keys and faces them.
 
 DONKEY
 Look out! They’ve got a piano!
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
 
 He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 King Charming has something special
 in mind for you, ogre.
 
 Shrek is perplexed.
 
 SHREK
 "King Charming?"
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Attack!
 
 Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
 
 PIRATES
 AAAARGH!
 
 One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
 
 The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
 side.
 
 One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
 
 SHREK
 Artie, Duck!
 
 Shrek pushes Artie’s head down and the sword narrowly misses
 him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
 Artie above his head.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
 
 
 Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
 the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
 
 A pirate charges Donkey.
 
 DONKEY
 Ahhh!
 
 Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
 protecting Donkey.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Ha-ha! Argh!
 
 PIRATES
 Argh! Argh!
 
 The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
 happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
 rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
 
 A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
 pirate bounces off Shrek’s belly.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Ready the plank!
 
 A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
 "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
 
 Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
 is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
 waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
 lid on him.
 
 Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
 Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
 Donkey and Artie up in a net.
 
 The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
 starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
 through the netting.
 
 The cannon fuse is lit.
 
 Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
 chest still stuck to his behind.
 
 DONKEY
 Shrek!
 
 ARTIE
 Help!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
 
 
 
 Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
 grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
 He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
 catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
 Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
 The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook’s piano, blowing it
 into pieces.
 
 Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
 holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
 take off running.
 
 Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
 his hook in the air.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Ya cowards!
 
 SHREK
 What has Charming done with Fiona?
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 She’s gonna get what’s coming to
 her.
 
 He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
 Evil Tree’s branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
 Villains.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 Ahhh.
 (YELLING BACK)
 And there ain’t nothing you can do
 to stop him!
 
 TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
 him now.
 
 Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
 
 PUSS
 We’ve got to save her!
 
 DONKEY
 But she’s so far far away!
 
 Shrek thinks for a moment.
 
 SHREK
 Get yourself back to
 Worcestershire, kid.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I’ve
 got an idea.
 
 
 EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
 
 Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
 approaches him.
 
 MERLIN
 (CHANTING)
 I’m a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
 buzz…
 
 ARTIE
 Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
 get them…I mean, us, back to Far
 Far Away.
 
 Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
 eye at Artie.
 
 MERLIN
 (GETTING UP)
 Forget it. I don’t have that kind
 of magic in me anymore, kid. How
 about a hug instead? Hmm? That’s
 the best kind of magic.
 
 Artie tries a new approach.
 
 ARTIE
 Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
 DO IT-
 
 MERLIN
 I said, forget it!
 
 ARTIE
 BUT-
 
 Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
 breath.
 
 MERLIN (CONT’D)
 Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
 healing. Mumble, mumble.
 
 Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
 to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
 
 
 
 MERLIN
 Oh. What, what’s with you?
 
 Artie continues to cry.
 
 ARTIE
 It’s just so hard. You know? They
 really need to get back `cause
 their kingdom’s in trouble `cause
 there’s a really bad man and it’s
 just so hard…
 
 Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
 
 MERLIN
 C’mon, take it easy.
 
 Artie’s blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
 
 ARTIE
 No! I don’t think you understand!
 There’s a mean person doing mean
 things to good people-
 
 SHREK
 Oh, have a heart old man!
 
 Artie grabs him, now desperate.
 
 ARTIE
 And they really need your help to
 get them back! So why won’t you
 help them?
 
 MERLIN
 Oh.
 
 Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
 
 Merlin is stunned. He doesn’t know what to do.
 
 MERLIN
 Uh, Okay… I’ll go and get my
 things.
 
 Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
 Shrek is impressed.
 
 ARTIE
 Piece of cake.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Well, well, well. You want some
 eggs with that ham?
 
 Shrek smiles.
 
 Merlin returns holding a spell book.
 
 MERLIN
 Now, I am a little rusty, so there
 could be some side effects.
 
 DONKEY
 Side effects!?
 
 MERLIN
 Don’t worry, whatever it is, no
 matter how excruciatingly painful
 it may be, it’ll wear off
 eventually… I think.
 
 Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
 his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
 
 DONKEY
 Ah!
 
 MERLIN
 Oops.
 
 Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
 
 DONKEY
 Are you sure this is a good idea?
 
 SHREK
 Look, if Artie trusts him, that’s
 good enough for me. Even if his
 robe doesn’t quite cover his-
 
 MERLIN
 Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
 zoom zoom. Let’s help our friends
 get back, um… soon!
 
 Magic rays shoot out of Merlin’s fingers. Shrek, Puss,
 Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
 
 MERLIN
 Woah! It worked!
 
 CUT TO:
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
 
 They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
 canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
 foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
 
 DONKEY
 (moan and groan)
 
 Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
 
 DONKEY (CONT’D)
 (in Puss’ body)
 Oh man, I haven’t been on a trip
 like that since college.
 
 SHREK
 Donkey?
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 What? Is there something in my
 teeth?
 
 Donkey’s eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
 Puss’ body.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Huh? What the?
 (GASP)
 Oh no!
 
 Donkey (in Puss’ body) grabs Puss’ hat. He looks down at
 Puss’ boots. His tail begins to twitch.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 I’ve been abracadabra’d into a
 fancy feasting second rate
 sidekick.
 
 Puss (in Donkey’s body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
 Puss’ body).
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 At least you don’t look like some
 kind of bloated roadside piñata.
 You really should think about going
 on a diet!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Yeah, and you should think about
 getting yourself a pair of pants!
 I feel all exposed and nasty.
 
 Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
 to their faces. They burst out laughing.
 
 Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Oh, so you two think this is funny?
 
 Puss is fuming.
 
 Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
 
 ARTIE
 (SNICKERS)
 I’m really sorry guys.
 
 SHREK
 Don’t be! You got us back kid.
 
 Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
 them. He turns back to Artie.
 
 Artie smiles.
 
 Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss’ body.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
 Hans Christian Andersen am I
 supposed to parade around in these
 goofy boots?
 
 PUSS
 Be very careful with those - HEE
 HAW!
 
 Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
 
 PUSS
 They were made in Madrid by the
 finest- HEE HAW!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Oh, you’ll learn to control that.
 
 TIME CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
 
 Shrek, Puss (in Donkey’s body), and Artie rush past a welcome
 sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
 "Go Go Away."
 
 Donkey (in Puss’ body) struggles to walk. His tender new
 feet hurt in their tiny boots.
 
 DONKEY
 Seriously man, you need some
 comfort inserts or arch supports or
 something.
 (noticing Rodeo Drive)
 Woah!
 
 Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
 everywhere.
 
 Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
 Rodeo Drive.
 
 EVIL WITCHES
 Woohoo!!
 
 The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
 Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
 street.
 
 Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
 
 A crash is heard off-screen.
 
 EVIL DWARF #1
 Hey… watch it I’m walking here…
 and I’m gonna keep going…
 
 A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
 Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
 
 A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
 Pinocchio dancing in it.
 
 SHREK
 Pinocchio?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
 
 
 
 PINOCCHIO
 Shrek!
 
 Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
 on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
 
 SHREK
 Pinocchio!
 
 PINOCCHIO
 Help me!
 
 SHREK
 What’s happened?
 
 PINOCCHIO
 Charming and the Villains have
 taken over everything! They
 attacked us but Fiona and the
 Princesses got away. And now she’s-
 -
 
 The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
 goes down.
 
 SHREK
 She’s what?! She’s what!?
 
 Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
 costs per show.
 
 SHREK
 (turns to Puss in Donkey’s
 BODY)
 Puss, loan me five bucks!
 
 DONKEY
 C’mon Puss, you heard the man, help
 a brother out.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Do you see any pockets on me?
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Hold on a second.
 
 Donkey (in Puss’ body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
 a bag of money falls onto the ground.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Aha!
 
 Donkey (in Puss’ body) tosses the money to Shrek.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 I had no idea …really …I swear.
 
 Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
 starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
 
 SHREK
 Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
 
 PINOCCHIO
 Charming’s got her locked away some
 place secret. You gotta find him!
 He’s probably getting ready for the
 SHOWWWW---
 
 The curtain goes down again.
 
 SHREK
 Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
 show?
 
 Pinocchio’s hand comes out from under the curtain and points
 to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
 
 PUSS
 (reading the poster)
 It’s A Happily Ever After, After
 All!
 
 SHREK
 Shrek’s final performance.
 
 The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
 foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
 ground.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Whoa, Shrek! You didn’t tell us
 you were in a play.
 
 SHREK
 Well I guess I’ve been so busy I
 forgot to mention it!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
 
 
 
 GUARD #1 (O.S.)
 It’s the ogre! Get him!
 
 Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming’s royal
 knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
 alley. Puss (in Donkey’s body) steps forward.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Don’t worry, Jefe. I got this.
 
 He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
 large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
 hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they’re
 staring at a donkey.
 
 The guards recoil.
 
 GUARD #2
 Ugh! Kill it!
 
 Puss (in Donkey’s body) immediately retreats.
 
 Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
 forward, confronting the guards.
 
 ARTIE
 Look, don’t you know who he thinks
 he is? How dare you?
 
 Shrek picks up on his plan.
 
 SHREK
 Donkey, we’re dealing with
 amateurs.
 
 The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
 wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
 poster off the wall.
 
 ARTIE
 He’s a star people! Hello?! I’m so
 sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
 
 SHREK
 I’m gonna lose it!
 
 ARTIE
 I assume you have everything ready
 for tonight! You did get the list
 for the dressing room?
 
 Donkey marches in.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Yeah, the breakfast croissants
 stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
 Oh, and please tell me you at least
 have the saffron corn with the
 jalapeno honey butter cause our
 client cannot get into his proper
 emotional state without his
 jalapeno honey butter.
 
 SHREK
 I just lost it!
 
 GUARD #1
 Uh…Maybe they should talk to
 Nancy in Human Resources.
 
 Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
 castle.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Oh, we’ll have much to say to
 Nancy, I promise!
 
 The guards look at each other nervously.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
 
 A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
 number.
 
 Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
 in the rear of the stage.
 
 The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
 a Shrek stand in.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (reading his lines from a
 SCRIPT)
 With this sword, I do- No.
 
 He starts the line over.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 With this sword, I do smote thee!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
 
 
 
 Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
 falls to the ground.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (TO HIMSELF) )
 Is that the right word? "Smote?"
 "Smooote." Is that even a word
 actually? Maybe I should just
 smite him.
 
 Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Let’s try this again. Now…
 
 
 Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
 Prince Charming.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (playing the scene out
 QUIETLY)
 Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
 afraid.
 (he fake screams)
 Ooh!!!
 
 Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
 chuckles.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 I say…
 (he riffles through pages)
 "Finally the Kingdom will get the
 happily ever after they deserve,
 die Ogre", blah, blah, blah…
 
 Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
 Prince Charming is still frustrated.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Oh! It just doesn’t feel real
 enough yet!
 
 He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
 dancing villains who are staring at him.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Who told you to stop dancing?!
 
 CYCLOPS
 Uh… Wink and turn, wink and turn.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
 
 
 
 He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 And what are you laying around for?
 Get up! Honestly.
 
 Prince Charming storms off.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
 
 Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
 room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
 and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
 
 Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
 of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
 his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Our happily ever after is nearly
 complete, mommy. And I assure you,
 the people of this kingdom will pay
 dearly for every second we’ve had
 to wait.
 
 
 
 Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
 standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
 side him.
 
 Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
 
 SHREK
 Break a leg. Or, on second
 thought, let me break it for you.
 
 He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
 dressing table.
 
 Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
 under the counter.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Thank goodness you’re here. I was
 beginning to think you might not
 make it back in… time.
 
 Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
 
 
 
 SHREK
 Where’s Fiona?
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Don’t worry. She and the others
 are safe. For now.
 
 Shrek strengthens his grip.
 
 Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
 surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
 
 ARTIE
 Ow.
 
 Prince Charming smiles.
 
 Shrek looks around and realizes he’s beat. He drops Charming
 with a thud.
 
 Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
 Shrek.
 
 Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
 his face.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Let me guess… Arthur?
 
 Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
 
 ARTIE
 It’s Artie, actually.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 This boy is supposed to be the new
 King of Far Far Away?
 
 Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
 Artie’s neck.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
 won’t make a mess.
 
 Shrek steps in.
 
 SHREK
 Charming, stop! I’m here now, you
 got what you wanted. This isn’t
 about him.
 
 Artie is confused.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
 
 
 
 ARTIE
 Then who’s it about? I’m supposed
 to be King, right?
 
 Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
 
 SHREK
 You weren’t really next in line for
 the throne, okay? I was.
 
 ARTIE
 But you said the King asked for me
 personally.
 
 SHREK
 Not exactly.
 
 ARTIE
 What’s that supposed to mean?
 
 
 Shrek becomes defensive.
 
 SHREK
 Look, I said whatever I had to say,
 alright! I wasn’t right for the
 job, I just needed some fool to
 replace me, and you fit the bill.
 So just go!
 
 Artie is stunned.
 
 ARTIE
 You were playing me the whole time.
 
 Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
 
 SHREK
 You catch on real fast kid… Maybe
 you’re not as big of a loser as I
 thought.
 
 Puss (in Donkey’s body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
 Puss’ body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
 
 ARTIE
 You know, for a minute there, I
 actually thought you -
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 What? That he cared about you? He’s
 an ogre. What did you expect?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
 
 
 
 Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
 stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
 
 Shrek lowers his head in shame.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You really do have a way with
 children, Shrek.
 
 Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
 
 
 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM:
 
 Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE GATE:
 
 The scene cross-dissolves to Artie’s back as he walks away
 from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
 storms away.
 
 
 INT. DUNGEON:
 
 Shrek’s ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
 chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
 
 
 INT. PRISON:
 
 The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
 comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
 sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
 
 
 INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
 
 All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
 the same prison cell.
 
 Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
 shine.
 
 Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
 distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Had we just stayed put like I
 suggested, we could be sipping tea
 out of little heart-shaped cups…
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
 
 
 
 CINDERELLA
 Yeah… yeah, heart shaped cups.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Eating crumpets smothered with
 loganberries.
 
 CINDERELLA
 Yeah… loganberries.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Shut up Cindy.
 
 CINDERELLA
 Yeah, shut up.
 
 Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
 
 CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
 No! You shut up!
 
 CINDERELLA
 Just stay out of this!
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Who cares who’s running the kingdom
 anyway?
 
 FIONA
 I care.
 
 Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
 
 QUEEN
 And you should all care too.
 
 Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
 other’s bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
 them.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Hey, hey, hey, hey.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Yeah, and I have your badge number,
 "TIN CAN-"
 
 Puss, in Donkey’s body, hisses and arches his back like a
 cat.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
 
 
 
 FIONA (O.S.)
 Donkey?!
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Princess?!
 
 FIONA
 Puss?!
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
 Puss, stuck here inside this
 hideous body.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 And I’m me!
 
 FIONA
 BUT YOU’RE-
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 I know, I know. Everything’s a
 little fruity in the loops right
 now. But what happened is, we went
 to high school, the boat crashed,
 and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
 by the "Magic Man."
 
 DORIS
 You poor sweet things.
 
 CINDERELLA
 I don’t get it.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 The cat turned into a little horse
 that smells like feet. What’s to
 get?
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 (WAKING UP)
 Huh? Who dat?
 
 FIONA
 Where’s Shrek?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 Charming’s got him, Princess. And
 he plans on killing Shrek tonight
 in front of the whole kingdom.
 
 Fiona’s lets out a breath.
 
 FIONA
 Alright everyone, we need to find a
 way out, now.
 
 The Princesses nod in agreement.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 You’re right.
 (to the other Princesses)
 Ladies, assume the position!
 
 Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
 assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
 Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
 
 FIONA
 What are you doing?
 
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
 Waiting to be rescued.
 
 FIONA
 You have got to be kidding me.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Well, what do you expect us to do?
 We’re just four…
 (NOTICES DORIS)
 I mean, three, super hot
 princesses, two circus freaks, a
 pregnant ogre and an old lady.
 
 The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
 
 QUEEN
 Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
 through.
 
 She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
 lets out a yell.
 
 QUEEN
 Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
 
 She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
 and the Princesses are impressed.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
 
 
 
 PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
 Whoa.
 
 FIONA
 Mom!?
 
 QUEEN
 Well, you didn’t actually think you
 got your fighting skills from your
 father, did you?
 
 Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
 
 Snow White points to another wall behind them.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Excuse me, I think there’s still
 one more.
 
 The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
 
 QUEEN
 Hmmmm.
 
 The Queen hurries to the other wall.
 
 QUEEN
 Hiiiiyah!
 
 It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
 
 Fiona approaches her mother.
 
 The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
 softly to herself.
 
 FIONA
 Why don’t you just lie down?
 
 The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
 
 Fiona turns to the others.
 
 FIONA
 Okay girls, from here on out, we’re
 gonna take care of business
 ourselves.
 
 Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
 Princesses. They nod.
 
 Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
 Dopey tattoo.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
 
 
 
 Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
 
 The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
 football player).
 
 Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
 
 Doris burns her bra.
 
 The Princesses place their hands over Fiona’s. Puss and
 Donkey’s hands come in last.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
 taps it on the score in front of him.
 
 ANNOUNCER
 Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
 Away Theatre at the Charming
 Pavilion is proud to present: "It’s
 a Happily Ever After, After All."
 
 The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It’s a
 Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
 himself."
 
 Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
 and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
 
 EVIL KNIGHT #1
 Enjoy your evening of theatrical
 reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
 beverages in the theatre! Hey!
 
 The orchestra begins to warm up.
 
 
 EXT. STAGE
 
 The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
 stage to backstage.
 
 
 INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
 
 SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
 Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
 attached to the floor.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
 
 
 
 He pulls the chains tight.
 
 SHREK
 Oww, easy.
 
 CYCLOPS
 Sorry. I guess I was just showing
 off for the little one.
 
 SHREK
 Huh?
 
 CYCLOPS
 It’s "Bring your kids to work day."
 C’mere beautiful.
 
 Cyclops motions to the shadows.
 
 CYCLOPS’ DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
 Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
 
 Shrek recoils.
 
 SHREK
 Well… she’s got your eye.
 
 Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
 
 CYCLOPS
 Who woulda thought a monster like
 me deserves something as special as
 you?
 
 They touch foreheads affectionately.
 
 Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
 look on his face.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
 
 The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
 castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
 Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
 signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
 entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
 White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal
 Friends/With A Smile."
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.
 
 
 
 SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
 (SINGING)
 "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."
 
 The birds answer her in song.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 "Ahh ha ha ha haa."
 
 The birds answer again.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 "Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
 Little birdies take wing,
 flitting down from the trees they
 appear, and to chirp in my ear."
 
 All the forest creatures flock to her.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 "All because I sing.
 Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
 
 More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
 
 The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
 
 SNOW WHITE
 (SINGING)
 "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
 
 Suddenly Snow White’s face changes. She transitions into Led
 Zeppelin’s "Immigrant Song."
 
 SNOW WHITE
 Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!!
 
 All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
 Princesses charge forward.
 
 FIONA
 Move it! Go! Go! Go!
 
 CUT TO:
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) run through front
 gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
 
 The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss’
 body) busts open their cage.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 My babies!
 
 The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey’s body) and hug him.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Help! Ow!
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Hey!
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
 
 The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
 the lock to open the gates.
 
 As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
 towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
 boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
 ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
 
 Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
 Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
 over the castle wall.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) break Pinocchio out
 of his marionette theatre.
 
 CUT TO:
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99.
 
 
 
 
 EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
 Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other’s bodies). Donkey (in
 Puss’ body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
 claws. Puss (in Donkey’s body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
 hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
 case.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
 
 Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
 creep along the rooftop.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
 
 Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
 their path. She gets an idea.
 
 The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
 "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
 to reveal Doris.
 
 DORIS
 Hey. How’s it going?
 
 She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
 running.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
 
 Donkey, Puss, (still in each other’s bodies) and the rescued
 Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
 
 Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 "O" to the "K." The coast has
 cleared.
 
 Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 All right people, let’s do this
 thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!!
 
 PINOCCHIO
 I thought we agreed we would go by
 the name of "Team Super Cool."
 
 GINGERBREAD MAN
 As I recall it was "Team Awesome."
 
 WOLF
 I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf
 Squadron."
 
 DONKEY
 Alright! Alright! Alright! From
 henceforth we are to be known as
 "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
 Dynomite Wolf Squadron."
 
 The Three Pigs notice something.
 
 PIG #1
 Ach to Lieber! There is some
 strange little girl over there
 staring at us!
 
 Donkey, in Puss’ body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
 the strange crew.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Artie!
 
 Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey’s body, runs to
 stop him.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey!
 Where is the fire, Senor?
 
 Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey’s body) out of the way.
 
 ARTIE
 Oh please, don’t act so innocent.
 You both knew what was going on the
 whole time and you kept it to
 yourself.
 
 Artie starts to storm away.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Artie, it’s not like it seems.
 
 ARTIE
 It’s not? I think it seems pretty
 clear. He was using me. That’s
 all there is to it.
 
 Artie starts to walk off.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Using you? Man, you really don’t
 get it!
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Shrek only said those things to
 protect you!
 
 This stops Artie in his tracks.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Charming was going to kill you
 Artie. Shrek saved your life.
 
 Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
 friend.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
 
 The lights dim.
 
 The curtain rises.
 
 
 INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
 
 RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 Cue the spot!
 
 
 EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
 the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102.
 
 
 
 RAPUNZEL
 (SINGING)
 "I wait alone up here.
 I’m trapped another day.
 Locked up here - please set me
 free.
 My new life I almost see,
 A castle, you and me.
 Yes, a castle you and me…"
 
 Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
 crap for real?
 
 Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
 
 From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
 
 Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
 
 RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 Cherubs!
 
 The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
 rope and pulley system.
 
 A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
 clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
 horseback.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Tis I! Tis I!
 Upon my regal steed!
 Princess, my love,
 at last you shall be freed!"
 
 The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
 clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
 of the clamshell.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "I’m strong and brave,
 and dashing my way there!
 With speed! With might!
 With soft and bouncy hair!"
 
 Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Through the blistering desert…"
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103.
 
 
 
 Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
 puppet.
 
 EVIL TREES
 (SINGING)
 "Hot!"
 
 Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
 sea serpent and crosses the sea.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Across the stormiest sea."
 
 EVIL DWARFS
 (SINGING)
 "Wet!"
 
 He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
 Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Facing creatures so vile!"
 
 FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
 (SINGING)
 "Foul!"
 
 He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
 and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "So you can gaze upon me!"
 
 Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
 of Rapunzel’s tower.
 
 RAPUNZEL
 (SINGING)
 "I knew you’d come for me.
 And now we finally meet."
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "I knew you’d wait.
 And from my plate of love you’d
 eat."
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104.
 
 
 
 There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
 the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
 the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
 audience, putting his hand to his ear.
 
 
 INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
 
 Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
 
 MABEL
 Roar! Roar!
 
 Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
 steam with a billow.
 
 
 EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
 A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
 fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
 chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
 before him.
 
 
 INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS
 
 A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs,
 cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
 sit down.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Who is this terrible ugly fiend
 who so rudely intervened?"
 
 Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
 
 FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
 (SINGING)
 "Will Charming fight? Or will he
 flee?"
 
 RAPUNZEL
 (SINGING)
 "Oh please, rescue me!"
 
 FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
 (SINGING)
 "From this monstrosity!"
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105.
 
 
 
 Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
 high voice of a castrato.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Fear thee not Honey Lamb!
 I will slice this thing up like a
 HAM!"
 
 SHREK
 Oh boy.
 
 Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
 and aiming it at Shrek’s chest. Prince Charming’s voice
 climbs even higher.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You are about to enter
 a world of pain with which you are
 NOT-
 (SINGING)
 "FamiliaAAAAAAR!"
 
 He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
 glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
 audience.
 
 Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
 
 SHREK
 Well it can’t be anymore painful
 than the lousy performance you’re
 giving.
 
 The audience laughs at Shrek’s remark. Prince Charming is
 thrown by their reaction.
 
 From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
 to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
 
 RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 "Prepare foul beast."
 
 He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (SINGING)
 "Prepare foul beast, your time is
 done."
 
 SHREK
 Oooh, if you don’t mind could you
 kill me, and then sing?
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106.
 
 
 
 The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek’s face.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Be quiet!
 
 SHREK
 Oh, come on, I’m just havin’ fun
 with ya. That’s actually a very
 nice leotard.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Thank you.
 
 SHREK
 Do they come in men’s sizes?
 
 The audience laughs again.
 
 HOOK
 He, he. Now that be funny.
 
 The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he’s
 screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 ENOUGH!
 
 The crowd falls silent.
 
 Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Now you’ll finally know what it’s
 like to have everything you’ve
 worked for, everything that’s
 precious to you taken away.
 
 Prince Charming raises his sword.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
 Now you’ll know how I felt.
 
 Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Ahhhhh!
 
 Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
 above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
 
 DRAGON
 Roar!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107.
 
 
 
 The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
 
 PIG #1
 Sausage Roll!!
 
 The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
 roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
 strike a fighting pose.
 
 Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
 flurry of kung-fu hands.
 
 The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
 others.
 
 WOLF
 Arg.
 
 Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel’s
 hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
 catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
 into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
 
 Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
 net. She runs off crying.
 
 Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
 
 Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
 and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
 
 Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’s body)
 Pray for mercy from…
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 …Puss!
 
 He claps his hooves on the stage.
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 And Donkey!
 
 
 He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio’s bottom.
 
 PINOCCHIO
 (re: his bottom)
 Hey.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108.
 
 
 
 The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
 Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
 with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger,
 Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
 a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
 poses and stand next to Shrek.
 
 The audience applauds.
 
 Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to
 the floor, revealing Fiona.
 
 FIONA
 Hi honey! Sorry we’re late. You
 okay?
 
 SHREK
 Much better, now that you’re here.
 
 AUDIENCE
 Awwwwwww!
 
 The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
 raising his shackled wrists.
 
 SHREK
 So Charming, you wanna let me out
 of these so we can settle this ogre
 to man?
 
 Prince Charming considers this for a second.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
 a better idea!
 
 Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
 hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
 Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
 
 The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
 brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a
 knife to her throat.
 
 The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
 suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
 ball.
 
 Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
 by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
 
 SHREK
 Fiona!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109.
 
 
 
 FIONA
 No! Let go of me!
 
 Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it’s no
 use.
 
 Prince Charming’s eyes narrow.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You will not ruin things this time
 ogre.
 (TO VILLAINS)
 Kill it!
 
 Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
 the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
 their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
 
 ARTIE
 Everybody stop!
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 (EXASPERATED)
 Oh, what is it now?
 
 SHREK
 Artie?
 
 Artie jumps from the spotlight.
 
 Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
 
 Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
 stares in awe.
 
 After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub’s cable,
 sending the little person up in the air.
 
 Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
 He stands facing the Villains.
 
 ARTIE
 Who really thinks we need to settle
 things this way?
 
 The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
 other Villains follow suit.
 
 ARTIE
 You’re telling me you just want to
 be Villains your whole lives?
 
 This gives the Villains pause.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110.
 
 
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 But we are Villains. It’s the only
 thing we know.
 
 ARTIE
 Didn’t you ever wish you could be
 something else?
 
 The Villains aren’t convinced.
 
 EVIL TREE #2
 Well, it’s easy for you to say.
 You’re not some evil enchanted
 tree.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 You morons! Don’t listen to him!
 ATTACK THEM-
 
 Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming’s mouth and then
 motions to Artie.
 
 EVIL TREE #1
 What Steve’s trying to say here is
 that it’s hard to come by honest
 work when the whole world’s against
 you.
 
 EVIL TREE #2
 Right, thanks Ed.
 
 ARTIE
 Okay, fair enough. You’re right.
 I’m not a talking tree. But, ya
 know, a good friend of mine once
 told me that just because people
 treat you like a villain, or an
 ogre…
 
 Artie shares a look with Shrek.
 
 ARTIE
 … or just some loser…
 
 The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
 
 ARTIE (CONT’D)
 …it doesn’t mean you are one.
 
 The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
 to break free.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111.
 
 
 
 ARTIE (CONT’D)
 The thing that matters most is what
 you think of yourself.
 
 Artie commands the stage.
 
 ARTIE (CONT’D)
 If there’s something you really
 want, or there’s someone you really
 want to be, then the only person
 standing in your way …is you.
 
 Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
 Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
 
 RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 Me?
 
 OTHER PIRATES
 Get `im lads!
 
 ARTIE
 No, no, no! What I mean is: each
 of you is standing in your own way!
 
 VILLAINS
 Oooooooh!
 
 The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
 
 HEADLESS HORSEMAN
 I’ve always wanted to play the
 flute.
 
 The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
 The Evil Queen steps up.
 
 EVIL QUEEN
 I`d like to open up a spa in
 France.
 
 The Villains nod in agreement.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 I grow daffodils!
 
 Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
 
 CAPTAIN HOOK
 And they’re beautiful!
 
 Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
 down.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112.
 
 
 The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
 Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
 about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
 him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
 else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
 shaking hands.
 
 Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
 untied.
 
 Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
 Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
 jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
 
 Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
 and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
 raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Aaaahhhh!
 
 Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
 Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
 his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
 whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
 Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
 he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
 go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
 and falls to the floor, groaning.
 
 Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 A new era finally begins!
 
 The audience cowers.
 
 Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Now, all of you, bow before your
 king!
 
 Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
 
 SHREK
 Ah-hem.
 
 Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
 was never really stabbed.
 
 SHREK (CONT’D)
 You need to work on your aim.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113.
 
 
 
 Charming is stunned.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 This was supposed to be my happily
 ever after.
 
 Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
 him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
 
 He winces, but is still defiant.
 
 SHREK
 Well I guess you need to keep
 looking…
 
 Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
 
 SHREK
 …cause I’m not giving up mine.
 
 Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
 casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
 over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
 toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses’s
 window.
 
 PRINCE CHARMING
 Mommy?
 
 It crashes down and he’s trapped inside.
 
 As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
 stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
 
 SHREK
 It’s yours if you want it, you
 know, but this time it’s your
 choice.
 
 Artie considers it.
 
 He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
 
 Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
 They cheer him.
 
 Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
 the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
 
 ALL
 Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114.
 
 
 
 Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
 Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
 Puss, still in each other’s bodies, watch as Artie gets
 carried away.
 
 In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
 confused, clutching his show ticket.
 
 MERLIN
 Uh, excuse me, that’s my seat.
 
 Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
 Donkey and Puss confront him.
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
 time has come to rectify some
 wrongs!
 
 DONKEY
 (in Puss’ body)
 Although I have been enjoying these
 "cat baths."
 
 PUSS
 (in Donkey’s body)
 Please say you didn’t.
 
 MERLIN
 Uh… alright, alright…look..
 
 Merlin rubs his hands together.
 
 MERLIN
 You’re gonna feel a little pinch,
 and possibly some lower intestinal
 discomfort, but this should do the
 trick.
 
 Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
 magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
 moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
 cautiously.
 
 PUSS
 Are you..?
 
 Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
 
 DONKEY
 I’m me again!
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115.
 
 
 
 Puss checks out his own paws.
 
 PUSS
 And I am not you!
 
 Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
 
 DONKEY
 Alright!
 
 The two of them turn and walk away together.
 
 Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
 eyes grow wide.
 
 MERLIN
 Oops. Ah, never mind.
 
 We see that Donkey still has Puss’ tail and Puss had
 Donkey’s. Merlin slips away.
 
 Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
 
 SHREK
 What’d I tell ya? I think the
 kid’s going to be a great King.
 
 FIONA
 Well, for what it’s worth, you
 would have too.
 
 Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona’s belly.
 
 SHREK
 I have something much more
 important in mind.
 
 They kiss.
 
 The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
 Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING
 
 A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116.
 
 
 
 
 INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of
 slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona
 by the fire.
 
 SHREK
 Ah, finally.
 
 Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple
 on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona’s lap.
 
 OGRE BABIES
 Da da.
 
 A third ogre baby appears at Shrek’s feet. He bends down to
 pick him up.
 
 One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the
 babies and Fiona a hug.
 
 The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey.
 
 DONKEY
 Hey! I smell Shrek Jr.
 
 The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in
 through the door.
 
 Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at
 changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby
 goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is
 holding. She smiles at Shrek.
 
 The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and
 dirty diapers.
 
 Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his
 mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in
 Puss’ mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes
 crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss’ tail. A tug
 of war ensues.
 
 The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat
 from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the
 water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs.
 
 
 
 Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre
 laughs.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117.
 
 
 
 DONKEY
 Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.
 
 A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek’s ear. The baby uses
 the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper.
 
 QUEEN
 Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy.
 
 The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes
 and the Queen smiles.
 
 There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor
 holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk.
 
 Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey’s mouth.
 
 DONKEY
 Hey.
 
 Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf.
 
 NANNY DWARF
 Where’s the baby?
 
 Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf’s mouth and slams the
 door.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY
 
 Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made
 out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself.
 The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by,
 spraying mud everywhere.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING
 
 Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect
 unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third
 baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
 
 Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to
 Fiona.
 Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118.
 
 
 
 Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches
 the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in
 Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on
 her foot and puts the gourd in the baby’s mouth.
 
 Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps.
 Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A
 Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre
 baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect
 into the fireplace.
 
 Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
 
 SHREK
 Well, what shall we do now?
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
 A baby starts to cry.
 
 SHREK
 (SIGHS)
 I got it.
 
 The camera trucks out.
 
 THE END 
 
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