S07E01: The Gang is in an Open Relationship with the Drakeguard

== Previously on MCVFD ==
We defeated the villains of the entire season! They tried to steal Gearbox we said fuck that and annihilated them in 12 seconds.
== Session ==
It’s now several hours later, and the entire Drakeguard is in the middle of a raucous and wild celebration. Everybody is partying, there’s loud music playing, Gearbox is hooked up to a large set of speakers.
The Frostbite Squadron - who didn’t take a single casualty despite being evenly matched - are the stars of the show. They’re running around drinking, toasting, dancing, everyone’s dancing.
We’re the big stars of the show, but people seem a little intimidated by us. Amelia walks in and everyone’s like “Fuck yeah!”; when we walk in, it’s a little more like “oh shit it’s them”.
It’s canon now that Titanic Growth can’t be turned off whenever you feel like it, so looks like Kanye is still huge and possibly now sleeping in the yard. The Drakeguard is not unprepared for his newfound appetite.
Sorith is brewing and handing out a pink cider made out of rose hips and prickly pear. 
Sorith: Two Towns makes that beer, I just stole it.
DM: It ‘s okay. I, under pressure, put a Starbucks in universe.
The cider is now named Momma P’s Pink Slippers. Kanye wants to name something ‘Prickly Repair’ instead; I think he combined a healing potion with a cider?
Gearbox downloaded a how to beatbox module and he’s killing it. Kanye found a smoke box on his power armor, he’s showing his giant laser flashlight through it.
Nissa is frantically trying to write down everything that happened for posterity. Averlyth is “helping” by writing in the chapter where she converted the Chapel into a temple for Bane.
Um’s natural instinct is to grab some food and lurk while hiding in the dark. Maybe he never left the statue. We actually never see him, we just leave food for him, and it just disappears?
Nissa wakes up with the last couple sentences she was writing on her face, drooling onto it where she passed out drunk.
Sorith wakes up from the tank compartment in…. Something? Apparently it’s where he showed up?
Kanye is down in the pocket workshop surrounded by all the trophies he’s collected over the years, but he’s arranged them in figures of things, like humanoid shapes. Collection of gold teeth, pile of fake gems, he’s made them into a little diorama. He’s set up a little scene where he was reenacting what happened while he was in the past? He’s hugging the glass medusa head. Apparently he also fell asleep documenting his adventure, and Woodhouse must prepare the workshop for him every night.
Averlyth wakes up in her quarters, where she got to rest up with some heavy metal and personal space.
Round about mid-morning, after we’ve been awake for awhile, we’ve received word that the Director would like to speak with us in Bosley’s office (the second in command who ran the Drakeguard while the Director was in a coma).
Kanye will be donning his formal attire of the armor. Woodhouse is painting his tuxedo armor? I think there’s more epaulets. It’s a tux painted on but it stops at the elbows. Apparently last time he gave Bosley’s a locket in the shape of an ugly person???
We make our way over to Bosley’s office. We knock and she calls us in. We’ve been here before; it’s looking more well put. Previously, she had just moved in, had been the former head of the Baldur’s Field Office. Clearly, while we were out and about on our adventures, she got her office dialed in. There’s a wall of shelves behind her covered in books, there’s souvenirs and trophies from her earlier days as an adventurer. She’s standing by her desk and sitting in the high backed chair behind her desk is the Director.
When we open the door, they both smile and wave us in. There’s enough chairs to go around: Um remains standing. Averlyth sits closest to them, Kanye executes the Riker maneuver.
The Director says, first of all I want to thank you all. We’ll talk about this more in a moment, but this is no small feat. As you know, the horsemen were a - are, I suppose - a cyclical threat to this world and they arrive basically once a generation. You were this generation’s chosen heroes, and you answered the call, and you did the job. You have your own particular aesthetic and style, but it is undeniably effective. Before we get into our feedback, I need to ask you, how are you all feeling right now? You were sorta drafted into this mission without a lot of choice, it sorta came up naturally and there was a burden of need after the attack, and while I’m please you stepped up, I wanted to ask how you’re all feeling.
Sorith: Well I’m a little hungover.
Grandmama P winks at him and goes “Same”.
Nissa’s feeling triumphant, Kanye’s concerned that he keeps introducing himself to people at the beginning of encounters, and he’s expecting more brand recognition by this point.
She reminds about Tom Clancy, the head of the Intelligence Division, and tells us the effort is proceeding apace.
Um asks Kanye for success criteria. His vision was tied to the scroll of pedigree, and his desire to establish his identity to people. One day Kanye will introduce himself to someone and they will immediately surrender. Averlyth reminds Kanye that we’ve only been meeting enemies in the past. Kanye would also accept slightly incorrect rumors spread about Kanye.
The Director asks if we’re interested in continuing with the Drakeguard. When we started, she came to us at a low point because we had potential, but depends on whether or not we’re still interested in the mission of the Drakeguard. Nissa asks if the mission is now just good times since the horsemen are dead.
In a nutshell, the mission is to make the world a more stable place. It’s thumbing our noses at chaos and disorder. One of the side effects of having a long life (as a dragon) is how obvious petty problems are - the Drakeguard could act as a stabilizing influence on society as a whole, doing the job that independent kings and governments couldn’t.
She reminds us of the Drakeguard principles, and tells us of the kind of world she’d like them to help create. The origin of the Drakeguard goes back with her relationship with He Who Sleeps, who feels differently. He believes in the acquisition of power, and doesn’t especially care about those who are beneath him. He believes chaos is a useful tool, and if the kingdoms of men are able to work together, that just makes it easier for him to dominate the world.
When they went their separate ways, Grandmomma P resolved to stand in opposition of what He Who Sleeps wanted. She admits she historically did not try to make the world a better place, and she’s still driven to acquire strength and increase her power, it’s about leaving the world a better place.
Nissa notes that her values align, and the Director claims there shouldn’t be anything in the Drakeguard that the group finds objectionable (though we may not see eye to eye on everything). At least the broad strokes of increase stability and leave the world a better place than you left it.
Kanye: What is the level of commitment that you’re looking for?
Kanye thinks it’s important to remain a little aloof for his fans, to maintain his bad boy reputation? It’s important for him to be seen independently operating; fortunately, Drakeguard is a secret operation, and his public persona should remain unaffiliated.
Kanye is asking Grandmama P if he and the Drakeguard have an open relationship? She affirms there is no non-compete clause.
Averlyth is fine with continuing with the Darkeguard given so far it’s let her create one more Chapel of Bane than she previously was able to.
Um says there’s nothing else to do.
Sorith is also fine continuing with both the group and the Drakeguard.
The Director hands it over to Bosley, who stands up and straightens her suit. She tells us how happy they are with the jobs we’ve done, work we’ve completed, progress we’ve made. They want to offer us a promotion to special agents of the Drakeguard. There’s no financial arrangement (Kanye I can see you asking), but you keep whatever loot you want.
This frees you from taking jobs from the job board, you are now able to operate in what way you see fit, we have faith you will choose the best actions to achieve your goals that align with the Drakeguard. You will report directly to myself (Bosley), and through me, to the Director.
Your bracer’s will continue to hold 2 charges per long rest, but we’re giving you the final upgrade; while they’ll continue to hold 6 powers out of the possible 12, you may now change them once per long rest.
Your next assignment is a trifling matter: we’d like you to address the remaining threat of He Who Sleeps. I’m intentionally leaving this ambiguous - I’m not telling you to kill, arrest, make friends with. We trust your judgment to investigate this matter and find the best way of addressing the threat.
As you know, He Who Sleeps remains in limbo; he is waking, and it is unclear whether he has the means to breach our dimension or not. Suffice to say, whatever actions you take should remain aligned with the goals of increasing stability in the world, which I assume is incompatible with allowing He Who Sleeps into the world.
We can talk more about this in the future, we’re still doing some research and figuring out some information for you. But one lead we have for you - we know the horseman had an organization, we were in a reduced state following the attack on the Neverwinter Field Office and our R&D office is now only just getting back up to speed. So right now, we don’t know much more other than there was one. While you took out the head of their org, there may still be cells out there completing rituals, what-not. That may be the next step, or you may go directly to Limbo, we trust you to choose the best stop.
Unless you have more questions for me, your next stop is probably Qualish. He has questions for you.
Nissa: Have you seen…. A walking coffin?
The Director looks absolutely confused, Bosley says it’s in the engineering department, we can ask Qualish.
Sounds like Bosley will be covering day to day operations while Queen P recovers.
Kanye asks to clarify the organizational structure of the Drakeguard, to know how to talk to Tom Clancy appropriately. The Director informs us that we have no direct reports, and already have permissions to make requests from the PR department. She also reminds us that our new role is intentionally vague, and if we can make a case for what we - like a staff engineer, it’s an increase in responsibilities with no pay raise.
Kanye asks if we can have agents working under us for jobs. The Director says it will be handled with Bosley on a case by case basis, but “knowing Kanye, she is hesitant to give him a blank check”.
As the group leaves, Um loiters in the room just a few moments too long to make it awkward, and then leaves with no explanation.
DM: What’s the opposite of an Irish Goodbye. Oh I guess that’s an English Goodbye?
The group decides to make our way to back of the boiler room, to Qualish’s office. As always, it’s very obvious that he doesn’t want visitors. When we get there he tells us to enter.
Kanye strolls in and gives him a hand five; Qualish barely even makes eye contact, just starts inspecting the paint on the power armor. Kanye says he’s loving the surprise flavor, haven’t had any terrible experiences so far.
Kanye did want to bring up the power armor’s user interface pushes a lot for blood, if he could dial it down it would be great? Qualish says it’s complicated, the short answer is no. “Super hypothetical” Kanye should tell Qualish if he’s being moved around like a marionette.
Kanye is asking for more sustained flight, storage compartments for various effects? How to store gigantic weapons so they can be expensed like projectiles so he can catch them. Qualish shows Kanye a button that’s been there the whole time: a little pocket, like a cargo pants pocket, opens up on his upper thigh. You can’t put anything in there, but anything you put in there will be greatly reduced in size.
Averlyth jumps in with “NO PEOPLE, RIGHT”. Qualish says don’t put anything self-aware in there. Kanye: “like a terminal way?” Qualish: “In an explosive way, bad for everyone in like a mile radius?” The suit will also tell Kanye if the pocket sizes are exceeded.
Apparently the power armor is self aware and develops a personality over time, possibly imprinting on the wearer.
Qualish asks the rest of us if we need anything. Nissa asks about Gearbox, apparently gluing all the pieces to him as a crown would make him feel all wonky. Sounds like he’s only able to take 2, but nothing to worry about since we won’t see the pieces again.
Qualish begins saying no one knows what the Infernal Machine is, it’s some crazy bit of technology? Life? Magic? It’s well beyond anything we understand. We call it that because the first guy in history, Lum the Mad, tried to use it, map it out, there’s like a hundred buttons and switches and combinations, and it quite literally broke him. He used it to go to war, he used it to summon monsters and open dimensional portals, you guys have seen it can travel through time.
As I told you last time, it’s been destroyed several times in history, but when that happens, the pieces are just scattered around the timeline. To answer what I think you’re asking, I’m not building an Infernal Machine. We’re using the side effects of the components to do something much better, though I’m not ready to tell you all my secrets just yet - but the ultimate goal is to empower you to go to limbo. Limbo is a domain of wild magic, it is not particularly compatible with people who like to keep their bodily configurations the way that it is, so I’m working on some gear that will allow you to exist in Limbo without turning into a furry green toad or something.
Nissa is glad to be a gnome. Qualish high fives him. Maybe he doesn’t know Um exists, if Um is always on the ceiling? Qualish keeps referring to the four of us.
Nissa asks if it’s possible for the badger armor to be more stealthy, or if the lute could be spiced up in any way. Qualish is down to use Kanye’s suit as a power armor to maybe make her an amp?
Um: I also have an idea.
Qualish: Holy shit how long have you been there
Um asks how he might be able to stand on the ceiling when he’s outside. Qualish is going to think about it for a little.
Averlyth shares she could use either something for survivability or casting spells at a distance. Technically she can cast touch spells from her clone but she never gets a turn to cast it.
Sorith says he’s good. Jokingly he says Kanye gets in the way, could use faster initiative or something, but going to think about it.
Qualish tells us now we’re getting called up to the big leagues - not just killing 12 rts in the basement - so we shouldn’t be shy. For some reason this is a “great segue” to something Kanye wants to talk about.
Glitter bombs?
Kanye would like to have a way for the suit to launch projectiles for exploding glitter. Qualish questions the goal. He wants to use the fact that they’re covered in glitter to shine a light on them to make them glow like disco balls??
Averlyth: Why not advantage on attack? That’s what my glitter attack does
Kanye: You have a glitter attack?? You know what, scratch that. I’m thinking tentacles.
Averlyth reminds Kanye that the group needs help for AoE, and also that we were going to ask about the walking coffin for some reason? Kanye would like to mount the coffin.
Averlyth is down to take the coffin with walking legs for safety if Kanye can’t come up with a good reason to be in it. He does throw a little shade at us for freeing the Vampire.
Um asks how Qualish keeps track of the different Apparati of Qualish; apparently it’s like Apple where they all have the same product name, you gotta boot up the serial number.
Averlyth is committing to riding the coffin around, decorating it with symbols of Bane. Kanye asks if he can sleep in the coffin because he’s afraid to sleep in the power armor; it’s whispering to him now not to be afraid, and he’ll have all his blood when he wakes up.
Nissa associates most with a badger? Um associates most with Spider, Averlyth with Flying Fox. Sorith is a Wolverine, Kanye is a hummingbird.
Um: I feel like there’s layers to this claim…
Qualish appears to have already forgotten we’re all here, he’s deep in thought writing notes on loose leaf paper. We appear to have been dismissed.
Kanye goes over to Susan to tap the glass; he feels creeping tentacles in his mind. As he lowers his visor, the mindflayer flips him off.
Kanye tries to steal something random from Qualish’s office. He spots what looks like a rather useful tool - at a glance, it’s like a monkey wrench or something? But as he picks it up, it becomes clear that the head of the wrench is actually a spool, which is connected to a nearly invisible strand of silver wire, which is connected to a number of sample cases around the room. As he picks it up, it rattles all the jars, he yells at him to put it down and says he’s not getting tentacles anymore.
The rest of us have already left, Kanye sees himself out. Nissa says we’re not responsible for Kanye while we’re on the island, that’s our off hours, we’re usually responsible for him on missions.
Kanye asks if we want to wake up the dryads. Averlyth says not while we’re in the boiler room - we’ll go to the Apple Grove by the cafeteria after we stop by the PR department.
Tom Clancy is telling us now that the MCVFD theme song is getting requested! There’s a song they’ve commissioned bards around the globe to sing in taverns to spread the word and it’s taking off as a folk ballad. That combined with the free beer that’s been sent to pubs (with the massive “My name is Kanye Cantaliber of the house of Cantaliber” tap handle)
Averlyth wants MCVFD lighters given our history of not-arson. Kanye wants his name to be spelled every time there’s a fire so it’s “subtle”?
Tom Clancy: What do you think PR stands for?
Kanye: Hm…. okay. Can you do rumors?
Tom Clancy: Oh my god, I didn’t think he was listening at all
Kanye: R stands for Rumor!
The group decides it’s time to go to the Apple Grove.
Kanye: Let’s go make some dryads!
Averlyth: I don’t think… you know what I’m doing here either.
Averlyth sets up in the woods with 4 petrified Dryads. Kanye and the rest of the team drift in an out, Sorith is harvesting apples while this is happening, Kanye has Woodhouse set up a buffet, charcuterie boards.
Averlyth is able to restore the four dryads to life! They’re a little hard to communicate with, but we’re able (with the help of Nissa) to gather that they lived in the woods outside the temple of Molach and they were captured by Thesselar who liked the look of them and they’re extremely ready to be set free. 
We try to tell the Dryads that we’re in the future now, but they don’t seem particularly bothered. It’s not like they have families left behind or anything, they’re creatures of the woods, and here are some woods that aren’t under anyone’s protections but seem to be well cared for and loved. 
Averlyth goes to the buffet. Nissa communicates to them that if there’s any way to make improvements, like any ways to make apples to be tastier, they should talk to Sorith, he’ll be grateful for any tips. There’s an incredibly awkward moment as they marvel over a Dwarf that’s growing a tree, he’s a little offended, they agree of ignore each other.
Nissa: I helped!
Kanye wants to name them. Lopsie, Topsie, Angelica, and Kate.
Nissa: So many good tree puns in the world, and you named her Kate.
Now we have downtime!
Um visits his home town and sees his therapist, we’ll learn about it later.
Averlyth is asking Nissa to help come up with different designs for the coffin to inspire fear. What does the walking coffin look like when Averlyth is done with it?
Nissa sends carrier pigeons harassing various groups around the continent to donate to the Drakeguard Library. She spends time learning how to make a golem - the book hurt her BUT she’s smarter now and she might be able to eventually read it. She makes a golem librarian to protect the knowledge she’s acquired. To begin with it’s mostly operating as a library assistant (it has pretty limited assistance), but Nissa and other spellcasters treat it as a hobby project - in everyone’s downtime, everyone’s coming down and contributing to the golem until it becomes an extremely bookish stone golem. It has glasses so you can tell it’s smart, even though it doesn’t need it. What’s the name of the new golem? Rosetta.
Sorith is working on Apples, training with anyone that wants to shoot on him. We’ll learn about it later.
Kanye is working on a way to make weapons flaming without damaging them. Blacksmithing is his hobby and he hasn’t gotten to do it for some time. Suddenly he wants the power armor to be on fire, and for it to be REAL fire so he can scare wizards, Nissa to be framed by it. If he’s titanic growthed, then she can also be bungeed on him like the Doofwarrior in Mad Max Fury Road.
We’re all leveling up!