Rules for the Toilet

The Rules for the Toilet is an alias for a famous Japanese sign, indicating the rules for proper use of a toilet. The sign was made famous by Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs, appearing in the original video on June 23, 2008.
==Standard rules==
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. Your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.
#No puking in the toilet. Nobody needs to see or smell your vomit.
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We can see your shit coming out of your ass when you do that.)
#No fishing. (What the hell? Nobody will ever do that. What would you catch? Maybe somebody else's shit.)
#No shitting in the urinal. (That's the worst idea I've ever heard.)
==Other rules==
There are other signs indicating other rules for properly taking a dump/shit or a piss. Users may view these signs in their respective episodes of Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs.
===Episode 1===
Same as the standard rules.
===Episode 4===
#Sit and shit correctly.
#Do not stand on the toilet and shit. It's just wrong.
===Episode 7===
#No peeing standing up. As usual, your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.
#No sitting and shitting like a damn bitch. We can see your shit exploding out of your fat ass when you do that, bitch.
===Episode 11===
#Please roll the toilet paper into the toilet, rip three sheets off, and send the rest down the toilet. (That's just awesome. To hell with the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.)
#No standing and shitting like a damn retard. Please, I do not want to see your partially digested BLT sandwich splattered all over my diarrhea-infested toilet, thank you very much.
===Episode 14===
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to see the giant monsoon of diarrhea pouring out of your anus, thank you very much.)
#Place your buttcheeks on the toilet, sit up straight, place your hands on your knees, and sit and shit in an orderly fashion because there's a huge fucking lineup outside waiting to get all that anal fudge out of their anus.
===Episode 16===
Oh my god it's the rules for the toilet yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay woot! Ahem.
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your STD-infected penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last thing I want to see is partially digested corn stew mixed with tacos and vanilla ice cream being slowly shat out in full view of everyone.)
#No shitting in the urinal... wait! Oh my god! He's not actually shitting in the urinal! Holy shit, all these years I's been so wrong! Rule 3 Actual: No pissing like a dog in the urinal. You're not a bitch!
#No oral sex. (Why in holy hell any girl would want to suck on your repulsive penis is beyond me. It's probably half the size of an atom and infected with every disease known to man.)
===Episode 18===
#Proper vomiting technique is as follows: First, get down on your hands and knees and pray to the toilet gods. (Their blessing will grant the power of levitation so you can cleanly vomit up everything you've eaten in the history of history into the toilet. CAUTION: May result in death.)
#Do not vomit on the floor while praying to the toilet gods. (The toilet gods will be most displeased and you will die to death as a result.)
*Caution in both cases: Vomit may contain worms.
===Episode 21===
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Put your buttocks on the seat and shit like a normal person, we don't give a shit if the seat has more bacteria than a superbug-infested hospital.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Please evacuate your anus like a gentleman.)
#Throw an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet. (What the fuck, who would waste precious toilet paper? Then again, after I dump my anus, I tend to flush an entire roll down the toilet anyway.)
===Episode 26===
Part 1
#No diving. (The swimming budget has really suffered in recent years. No need for synchronized swimming when we have synchronized shitting.)
Part 2
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (What, do you want us to see a waterfall of diarrhea streaming out your butt hole!?)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be a civilized person and shit normally.)
===Episode 28===
Part 1: 
No shitting everywhere. Sign says no pissing. (Gentlemen, if you're pissing shit out of your penis, you must seek medical attention immediately. It's never healthy to have such shitty urine.)
Part 2: 
Oh my god it's the rules for the toilet yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay woot! Ahem.
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (That's right, this is the gentleman's toilet. There's even a dress code. If you wish to expel all that anal fudge from your anus, you must wear a three-piece tuxedo while sitting on the toilet. Only classy bowel movements in this toilet.)
#No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (No one, I repeat, no one wants to see a waterfall of partially-digested corn and chicken pouring out of your butt hole. You probably miss the toilet and spray the entire stall with your volcanic shit that I will have to fucking clean up. If you deliberately disobey these rules, then I will make you, fucking clean this shit up instead. With a toothbrush. And your bare hands. Bitch.)
===Episode 29===
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Stop wasting a good toilet by pissing. The time you waste by pissing is time better spent sitting and shitting.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Absolutely fucking no one wants to see a stream of shit mixed with corn, tacos, and prunes pouring out your anus.)
#No standing and aiming your anus at the toilet. (I don’t give a fucking shit if the toilet seat is more diseased than an African village infected with Ebola, sit your fat ass down on the toilet seat and shit like a normal person. Freak.)
===Episode 30===
Part 1
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate Taco Bell last night. No, we don't need to fucking see shitty Niagara Falls streaming out your butt hole.)
#No doing squats in front of the toilet. (We don't care if you need to stretch that sphincter. You will sit on the toilet and not shit all over the goddamned floor.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. Be sure to use the entire roll of toilet paper to wipe all that anal fudge out of your anus. Then punch the toilet afterwards for good measure. Wash your hands, and you're done. Oh, and if you just need to piss, use the urinal. Don't waste the toilet. Toilets are for squeezing out massive turds from your super tight butthole.
Part 2
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Yes, we know you can't aim your penis, you can't do anything right.)
#No peeing in the toilet while sitting on the floor. (You can't even aim while standing up. What makes you think you can aim while sitting down? You'll piss everywhere, on the floor, on the sink, on the mirror, on the bartender, you'll piss everywhere, except the fucking glass.)
#Sit and piss in an orderly manner. (Bitch, no time to piss when there's time to sit and shit in an orderly manner.) [proper dump noises]
===Episode 31===
Part 1: Rules for Using Nature as a Toilet
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You'll make all the animals cry as they watch huge turds squeezing out your butthole and splattering all over the nice grass.)
#No peeing on the ground standing up. (Feel free to piss while doing a handstand or cartwheels, but no peeing on the ground standing up.)
Part 2
#No sitting and shitting backwards like a damn retard. (It's bad enough we have to see the rocket-propelled diarrhea blowing out your butthole, but doing it backwards? You're cleaning up this fucking shit if you spray turds all over the stall door.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
#Put the toilet paper in the toilet, not the fucking garbage can. (The bathroom is not a fucking chemical weapons factory, flush your disgusting shit-smeared toilet paper away like a normal person.)
#If you're really having trouble on the toilet, press the button on the wall and a swirling vortex will open in the toilet bowl, creating a black hole that will instantly suck all that shit out your anus and into the darkest voids of spacetime. [proper black-hole'ish dump noises before it gets interrupted by a Windows XP Critical Error Sound when the error message shows up]
===Episode 32===
Part 1
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.)
#No peeing in the toilet like a bitch. (Use the urinal like a civilized person or we'll smash the toilet over your head.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard.
#No praying to the toilet gods. (I think... ...maybe it's just no puking in the toilet.)
#No using the toilet paper to turn yourself into a toilet paper mummy. (You're not King Tut's retarded cousin. King Turd. Save that toilet paper for your butt-hole.)
Part 2
#Thank you for not choking the toilet bowl. (That's weird. Every time I choke the toilet bowl, I can hear it say, "Harder, harder!" Huh, weird.)
#No washing hair or clothes in the toilet please. (Fah, I'll wash myself with detergent as much as I goddamn want.)
#Please use toilet with precision and elegance. (Oh, I'll sure show you precision and elegance.) [proper dump noises]
===Episode 33===
Part 1/Intro:
No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (How many times do you have to tell me about this specific rule for the toilet?) (All the fucking time, it seems!)
Part 2
#Do not make eye contact when using the urinals.
#No talking to people in the stall.
#No running, unless you accidentally clogged the toilet, then get out before anyone sees it was you.
#No asking stall mates for more toilet paper. If you run out, just accept your fate and weep silently.
#Please keep poop grunts and other noises to a reasonable volume.
("No no no no I ran out of toilet paper WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" "Suck it up and shut the fuck up, princess!")
===Episode 34===
Toilet Rules
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We've been reminding you of this god damned rule for 11 years! For the last time, we don't want to see a stream of shit spewing out your shitter!)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (It's important to have good posture as you expel a bunghole behemoth out of your bowels.)
Toilet Brush Usage Instructions:
#It is quite wrong to brush your teeth with the toilet brush. (We don't have turd-flavored toothpaste here, so don't fucking use the toilet brush as a toothbrush.)
#It is wrong to brush your hair with the toilet brush. (If you really want to lose all your hair and be bald, expose your hair to a toilet brush still dripping with disgusting toilet water.)
#It is almost correct to scrub out your butthole with the toilet brush. (It's a good idea in theory, but you're just going to spread toilet water all over your butthole.)
#It is correct to scrub out the toilet with the toilet brush. (Good luck trying to clean out your toilet after you experience an explosive diarrhea dump.)
===Episode 35===
Part 1
#YES: Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your buttcheeks in the proper position, sit up straight, and squeeze those massive turds out your butthole.)
#NO: No standing up, bending over, aiming your anus at the toilet, and taking an enormous, volcanic, hippopotamus-style diarrhea dump all over the toilet. (Don't even think about trying that shit, or we'll fucking make you clean it up with your bare hands.)
Part 2
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Duh.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard while the toilet lid is closed. (What the fuck is wrong with you? It's bad enough we have to see you squeezing out huge turds from your butthole, but to dump them on the toilet? Shit all over my toilet and I'll fling those feces at your fucking face!)
#Pee in the toilet standing up. (What? The toilet I'm allowed to pee in while standing up? Yayayayayayayayayayay woot!)
#No peeing on the toilet while the toilet lid is closed. (It's bad enough if you can't fucking aim your penis while standing up. What makes you think you can hit the target while the toilet lid is closed? Open the fucking toilet lid and piss in an orderly manner! ...Bitch.)
===Episode 36===
Urinal Rules
#Stand and piss in an orderly manner.
#No yelling at your urinal neighbor about stupid shit such as the complexities of urinal cakes. (Forget all that shit, why the fuck isn’t there an empty urinal between those two guys? Using a urinal directly next to someone using another urinal is punishable by death in every country.)
Toilet Rules
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (You aim your penis about as well as a sniper in the middle of an earthquake. All you’ll do is make a pissy porcelain throne.)
#Pee in the world’s tiniest urinal standing up. (That fucking urinal’s so fucking small it makes your penis look the size of Mount Fucking Everest.)
More Rules
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your buttcheeks upon the toilet seat and blast all that anal fudge out of your anus.)
#Dispose of all used toilet paper in the toilet. (Duh!)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (God fucking dammit, use the fucking toilet properly, nobody needs to see you blast out Christmas-colored turds from the bowels of your butthole.)
#No sitting and shitting backwards like a damn retard. (Forwards was bad enough, but backwards? You shit like a fucking hippo, that shit’s going to splatter all over the bathroom and I will make you fucking clean it up!)
#No disposing of entire toilet rolls in the trash bin. (What the fuck are you even thinking?! Toilet paper is the most valuable resource of them all! Oil, gold, silver, platinum, printer ink, all are worthless compared to toilet paper.)
===Episode 37===
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (And by orderly, we mean wear a three-piece tuxedo while relieving your bowels. Blast out butthole behemoths with class and style.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Use the damn urinals, you toilet wasters! Also, call your doctor right away if your penis has transformed into a sphere.)
===Episode 38===
Single Rule for the Toilet
DO NOT use the floor. Use the toilet. That's the polite way of saying "no sitting and shitting like a damn retard." Don't even think about blasting all that anal fudge on the floor, or I'll make you clean that shit up. With your fucking bare hands.
Rules for the Toilet Brush
#No stealing the toilet brush and hiding it under your coat. (You dirty thief. No, seriously, you're gonna get shit all over yourself.)
#No brushing your teeth with the toilet brush. (9 out of 10 dentists agree you should floss and brush your teeth twice a day. The tenth dentist is the retard who thinks a fucking toilet brush will prevent cavities.)
#Ladies, no brushing your hair with the toilet brush. (I don't care if the fashion magazines say the new toilet bowl grease look is great for your hair, do not fucking brush your hair with the fucking toilet brush.)
#No golfing with the toilet brush. (Yes, we've seen your golf-shaped turds. No, you will not fucking play golf with a toilet brush and shitty golf balls.)
#Use the toilet brush to clean the toilet like a normal person, god dammit.
Urinal Rules
#Always leave one urinal open between you and other people.
#Maintain a close distance to the urinal.
#Stand up straight and piss in an orderly manner.
#Do not fucking use a urinal next to one that's occupied. You dare break the sacred code of urinal use?
#No staring at another urinal user's penis. Yes, his penis is bigger than your tiny penis, sucker!
#Do not stand far away and piss at the urinal. You think you have steady aim, but you'll just fucking spray everywhere, you disgusting shit head.
#No talking with other urinal users. Fuck talking about the weather or sports or the complexities of urinal cakes, shut the fuck up and piss.
#No dropping your underwear to the floor while pissing. [Mommy, mommy, help me go to the bathroom!] Idiot!
#No sitting and shitting in the urinal. Use the fucking toilets for your explosive diarrhea dumps, shitheads.
#No pissing on other urinal users. Do humans look like fucking urinals to you?
#No sharing an occupied urinal. This action is punishable by death in every country on Earth.
#No peeing on the floor. (THE URINAL IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND YOU'RE AIMING AT THE FLOOR?! FUCKING AIM YOUR PENIS AND PISS PROPERLY GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—)
===Episode 39===
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. It's bad enough we have to see explosive diarrhea spewing out your anus at 69 mph, what the fuck even is that stupid pose? [Oh look at me doing yoga while I shit out last night's Taco Bell like my anus is a rocket engine blasting off!"] Fucking idiots!
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your buttcheeks in the proper position on the toilet, you hear me? Not on the sink, not on the garbage can, not on the paper towel dispenser, you will fucking sit your stupid ass ON, THE, FUCKING, TOILET! And if you violate these rules, I'll take away all the fucking toilet paper.)
===Episode 40===
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. This is the only acceptable position, so fucking follow it you fucking morons.
#No sitting backwards. You'll fall backwards and spray the bathroom walls with diarrhea that I'll have to fucking clean up.
#No sitting Japanese-style, A.K.A no sitting and shitting like a damn retard. Sit and shit properly, nobody wants to see "last night's" creamed corn and baked beans spewing out your butthole.
#No peeing in the toilet while erected. (You can stand erect all you want, that's the only erect thing you've got.)
#No squatting and shitting. Stop trying to karate-chop the wall and shit normally.
#No standing on the toilet seat and shitting. (Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Super Turd, standing and shitting like a fucking shithead.
#No shitting like a cannon. You're not auditioning for the 1812 Overture, so sit and shit like someone who isn't a complete fucking freak.
===Episode 41===
Part 1
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think we all need to see the gigantic turd sausages squeezing out your super tight butthole? Of course we fucking don't! Freak.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Bonus points if you wear your finest tux while shitting out your finest turds.)
Part 2
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not clap and cheer when you finally squeeze that constipated crap out your butthole, shit quietly like a normal fucking person.)
#No handstands on the toilet. (Don't even think about it. All it takes is one sudden loss of gravity and we've got a turdnado on our hands.)
#No whimpering and shitting and regretting your poor life choices. (Who cares if you lost your job and your money and your girlfriend, the toilet only wants your shit, not your personal problems.)
#No performing a spontaneous musical number. (Don't miss the thrilling new musical Butthole Blockage on Broadway!)
Part 3
#Sit and shit while concentrating intensely. (Focus on blasting all that anal fudge out of your anus at blazing speed. Nothing else matters.)
#No sitting backwards and shitting like a damn retard. (Bitch you're not even aiming your anus at the toilet bowl, you're going to spew "last night's" creamed corn and meatloaf straight from your butthole all over the fucking floor! Sit and shit fucking properly!)
#Place all used toilet paper in the toilet. (Or feel free to share used toilet paper with others, it will help the environment. Just kidding, I hate the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.)
#No throwing away used toilet paper in the trash bin. (You throw away your diarrhea-soaked toilet paper in the bin and I'll empty the bin all over your fucking bed. You little shit.)
Part 4
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner with the toilet lid closed. (The fuck? Are we "TRYING" to make the toilet into a massive vortex of shit?)
#No sitting and shitting backwards "in an orderly manner". (I don't care if you're "polite", you sit and shit backwards and you're going to show everyone the baked beans and cabbage you ate for lunch spewing out your butthole at 93 mph. Now excuse me, I need to take a massive dump.)
===Episode 42===
Part 1
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be especially sure to sit and shit in an orderly manner when then toilet seat is fucking levitating over the toilet bowl.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (13 fucking years later and I still have to tell you donuts how to shit properly.)
Part 2
#Flush used toilet paper. (Make sure not to use flushed toilet paper. We're not that desperate for toilet paper.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (One fucking day I won't have to tell you chucklefucks how to use the fucking toilet fucking properly.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (No talking, no yelling, no celeberatory gunfire for getting all that anal fudge out of your anus, SIT, AND, FUCKING, SHIT, QUIETLY!)
Part 3
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Is that fucking clear yet? Sit on the fucking seat. Don't you fucking dare hang from the ceiling fan and try to aim your anus at the toilet for a sick trick shot, you'll fucking miss and I swear to fucking God I'll fucking make you clean it fucking up.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (As if we need to see your disgusting penis while you fail to aim properly at the bowl. Use the goddamned urinal.)
#No praying to the toilet gods for divine intervention to stop your never-ending coinstipation. (That, or no puking in the toilet.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think anyone wants to see your volcanic diarrhea dump spewing out your butthole at 93 mph?)
#No fishing in the toilet. (What the fuck do you think you will catch? A great white shart?)
#No pissing in the urinal like a bitch. (And don't even fucking think about shitting in the urinal like a bitch.)
(These are all the rules for the toilet. Do you understand them?)
===Episode 43===
Part 1
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think anyone wants to see a multi-vortex turd-nado filled with baked beans and creamed corn and cabbage and expired pasta salad spewing out your butthole? No, of course we fucking don't. Freak.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (How fucking hard is it to sit quietly and blast out all that anal-fudge out of your anus without causing a big loud fucking mess? Sit and fucking shit normally or I'll throw all the fucking toilet paper into a fucking fire!)
Part 2
#No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (If you thought sitting and shitting like a damn retard was bad enough, standing and shitting like a damn retard will spew your hippopotamus diarrhea dump deluge all over the fucking bathroom, and there's no fucking way you're leaving without cleaning this fucking shit up with your bare fucking hands.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (If we have to tell you this one more fucking time today, I'm shoving the toilet up your fucking ass.)
#Sit and shit like a damn retard. (What? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...— [Windows XP Critical Error sound plays when BSOD screen appears, but then diarrhea noises are heard])
===Episode 44===
Part 1
PLEASE:
1. Use a urinal OR
2. Use a tissue and lift the seat before peeing. You're not 12. Lift the seat. (Pissing into a urinal will turn you into one of those sign people with no throats, hands, or feet. Pissing into a toilet with the seat up will turn you into a real person with incredible posture. And pissing all over the goddamned toilet with the seat down will turn you into a massive slouching fatass son of a bitch. Just lift the fucking seat.)
Part 2
#No swimming in the toilet hoping you will be chased by a great white shart. (Violators will be eaten and you'll have to run all the way down to the end until you're pooped out.)
#No looking at your urinal mate's penis. (OK, why the FUCK are you using a urinal next to another guy? You dare break the sacred urinal code?)
#No sitting and smoking and shitting like a damn retard. (No one wants to fucking see your smoky diarrhea spewing out your butthole.)
#No leaving the bathroom while leaving the faucet running. (The toilet gods will show no mercy to those who flood the bathroom.)
#No peeing in front of the toilet. (BITCH YOU'RE STANDING LIKE A FOOT AWAY FROM THE TOILET JUST AIM YOUR FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING PENIS FUCKING PROPERLY!!!)
#No pointing dramatically at the faucet. (Bum Bum BUMMMMMMMMM!)
#No washing your feet in the sink. (Your toenail jam will clog the fucking sink, so keep your disgusting feet the fuck out of the sink.)
#No creating magnificent art pieces with your own feces. (Check out my modern art! [Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!])
#No saying hello to peeping toms. ("Quiet, I'm trying to keep a low profile!") ("Oh hi Sam!") "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—")
Part 3
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (You will not stand and shit, you will not jump and shit, and you definitely will not do fucking cartwheels and shit. Sit and fucking shit like a proper fucking gentleman.)
#No sitting and smoking and shitting in an orderly manner. (I don't care if it's taking forever to squeeze those massive turds out your butthole, do not fucking smoke and shit.)
#No free-style pissing in the toilet. (Yes, you can piss a pissy parabola. No, you will not hit the toilet, and I will fucking make you clean this piss up before I get really pissed off.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Christmas is coming, the turd is getting fat, no one wants to see it spewing out just like that!) ([diarrhea noises])
#No leaving the bathroom without flushing your shit down the toilet. (Flush that smelly fucking shit away, unless your enemy is using the toilet next and you want to put your chemical weapon to good use.)
#No performing a musical number on the toilet. ([proceeds to play banjo music] Come on come on, squeeze those turds out those buttholes!)
===Episode 45===
Part 1
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Sit up straight and prepare those buttocks for a massive anal evacuation. No matter how painfully volcanic your diarrhea dump feels like as it shreds your anus, keep those buttocks firmly on the toilet seat.)
#No standing and spewing your disgusting hippopotamus diarrhea dump all over the fucking toilet. (You disgusting fucking shit! Don't even fucking think of turning the toilet into your latest modern art piece ("The Spectacularly Shitty Shitter").)
Part 2
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (BITCH WE HAVE 5 URINALS IN THIS FUCKING BATHROOM STOP WASTING ONE OF OUR PRECIOUS TOILETS WITH YOUR PATHETIC FUCKING PISS AND USE THE FUCKING URINAL GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!)
#Sit and shit while enjoying a huge-ass slice of pizza. (The pizza's good, but these desserts just suck. Urinal cakes taste like absolute piss.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Concentrate and think deeply as a colossal bowel behemoth bursts from your butthole.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (This redundant rule brought to you by the Rules of Redundancy in the Department of Redundant Rules Department.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate baked beans, creamed corn, and surstromming last night. No, we do not fucking need to see it spewing out your super tight butthole at 45 mph.)
Part 3
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. ([deep voice; creepy music] Peeing in the toilet standing up will summon violent storm clouds that will engulf the skies and strike lightning upon the penises of those who would dare violate this sacred rule for the toilet. [thunderstorm noises] Do not be foolish.)
#Be hip! Be cool! Sit and shit in an orderly manner!
===Episode 46===
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (We don't fucking care if it feels like and sounds like a fucking volcano exploding out your super tight butthole, sit and fucking shit like a good boy.)
#No peeing on the toilet seat standing up. (Point fucking blank range and you can't even hit the fucking bowl. It's bad enough we have to see your disgusting penis, but now you're making a pissy mess that's pissing me the fuck off, and I will make you clean this fucking pissy shit up.)
#No praying for a healthy bowel movement after you've just eaten a fuck ton of super spicy Mexican food. (Or is that no puking in the toilet? Fuck it, either works.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to fucking see the Yellowstone geyser of diarrhea spewing out your anus at 93 mph.)
#No fishing in the toilet. (Do not fucking fish in the toilet. Go try ice fishing instead and shove that fishing pole in your tight ice hole.)
#No pissing in the toilet like a bitch. (Yes, you may have the world's most proficient penis aiming skills. No, do not fucking pee like a bitch, just use the fucking urinals.)
===Episode 47===
Toilet Rules Part 1
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your big booty butt cheeks on the toilet and sit up straight, that shit isn't coming out if you slouch like a gamer. Only the best posture will allow that massive shit to shoot out your super-tight butthole. But if you get shit stuck on your buttcrack, just give your buttcheeks a good slap and hope that butt slap knocks that shit out. Just don't disturb the other bathroom users.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last time someone sat and shat like a damn retard, it was in the middle of a tornado. The tornado burst into the bathroom, absorbed all that damn shit, and became a massive EF5 turdnado that killed everyone in the town. Ain't that some shit?)
Urinal Rules
#Stand and pee in an orderly manner. (Keep those shoulders straight as you show everyone how hard you can pee. Make eye contact to assert dominance and scare everyone else away from the urinals so you can pee in peace.)
#No piss-poor pissing aim. (Point fucking blank range, how the fuck can you miss from that close? Then again, having a boner can make your piss spray like a tornado.)
#No peeing in the urinal with your foot on the urinal. (Now we can all see your disgusting penis and your piss-poor penis aim.)
#No challenge pissing. (Pissy parabolas are too fucking easy. Piss six feet straight up and not get wet, then we'll fucking talk.)
Toilet Rules Part 2
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Keep that butthole aimed directly at the toilet bowl as you blast out all that anal fudge out of your anus.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody, and I mean fucking nobody, needs to fucking see the creamed corn and baked beans and surstromming you ate last night spewing out your super tight butthole at 98 mph.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard on the floor. (BITCH THE TOILET IS RIGHT FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING THERE HOW HARD IS IT TO SIT YOUR STUPID FAT ASS DOWN ON THE FUCKING TOILET AND SHIT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON GOD FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING BITCH-ASS CRAP WHORE DAMN IT!!!)
#Put your disgusting diarrhea-covered used toilet paper in the toilet. (Unless you need the used toilet paper as a biological weapon, throw that shit away.)
#No flushing trash down the toilet. Use the trash can outside. (OK, away goes Mary's shitty music collection.)
#Close the lid after you're done sitting and shitting. (Huh, but no requirement to flush after using the toilet. Heh heh.)
===Episode 48===
Men's Toilet Rules
#No sitting and "peeing" (maybe "shitting") like a damn retard. (I just know you're going to lose control and end up spewing out a geyser of explosive diarrhea out your super tight butthole.)
#No freestyle peeing in the toilet. ("Look Ma, no hands!")
#No having a loud-ass phone conversation while peeing in the toilet standing up. ("And she was all like, "I don't even like lamb chops," so I was like, "But what about, like, what about the lamb steak you literally ate literally like yesterday?" Like, I don't even, like, get it.")
#No pissing a pissy parabola into the toilet. ("Hey, check out this neat little piss trick!") ([proceeds to do a shitty piss trick] "Oh my god it's raining everywhere yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—")
Ladies' Toilet Rules (feat. Microsoft Mary)
#No sitting and "peeing" like a damn retard. (Ladies, are you trying to look like those uncivilized creatures in the other bathroom? Sit your ass down and pee like all fair ladies should.)
#No doing your makeup while peeing all over the "CLOSED" toilet seat. (You're trying to multitask and now you're turning the ladies' bathroom into the men's bathroom! Once I clean this fucking piss up, I'm going to put on my best look, "The Pissed-Off Bitch".)
#No constructing a massive porcelain throne with an entire goddamn roll of toilet paper. (All will kneel before Mary, Queen of Shits!)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Ignore the sign. Assert dominance over other bitches and pee in the toilet standing up.)
Tons and Tons of Rules
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Ponder all your life decisions and focus intensely as you really try to squeeze out that constipated bowel behemoth from your butthole.)
#No smoking and shitting. (Yeah, smoking makes my voice sound deep. Deep, just like this massive fucking turd stuck in my anus.)
#No peeing in front of the toilet. (Yes, your penis is so small it can't even hit the toilet bowl.)
#No throwing garbage into the toilet. (This includes your screaming little air raid sirens.) ([baby crying noises; toilet flushes])
#No sitting and shitting on the toilet tank. (It's bad enough you clog the bowl, but if I find a massive fucking turd in the tank, I will shove the toilet up your stupid ass.)
#No performing intense, climactic action on the toilet. (Well, that's one way to loosen up that super tight butthole.)
#No sleeping on the toilet. (Counting sheep helps, counting shit does not.)
#No sleeping on the bathroom floor. (The floor has been pissed on, shit on, and God knows what else. Sleep tight.)
#No setting the toilet bowl on fire and having a campfire. (Ah, roasted turds over an open fire!)
#No stealing the entire fucking toilet and running away like a maniac. (Toilet Man, Toilet Man, does whatever a toilet can! Takes a dump, any size, clogs the pipes, plunger cries, LOOK OUT! Here comes the Toilet Man!)
#No skiing on the toilet. (The Bunny Slope is too easy, the Butthole Slope is for only the most extreme skiers.)
#No planting a tree in the toilet bowl. (You can't stop me, the goddamn Microsoft Sam will grow a tree, the mighty Shitquoia!)
===Episode 49===
Toilet Rules
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last person who tried to join the National Aeronautics and Shit Administration destroyed the entire fucking toilet with his rocket-propelled diarrhea. Sit and shit in an orderly manner, goddammit!)
#Point at the toilet paper and say, "Toilet paper!"
#Flush your toilet paper down the toilet. (Do not flush anything else. Paper towels, bath mats, toothbrushes, math homework, nuclear warheads, last night's creamed corn and cabbage, don't fucking flush that shit down the toilet.)
#Flush the toilet. Several times. (Only way to be sure your galaxy-sized shit squeezes through the fucking pipes.)
Urinal Rules
#Pee in the urinal. (Is that piss, or is it his absolutely massive penis accidentally slamming into the urinal?)
#Um, er, I don't get it. (Whatever, I gotta piss.) ([proceeds to piss in the urinal in an orderly manner] '[gargling noises and then spits] Hmm... PISS! All good urinals rinse and spit.) (What a terrible day to understand the English language.)
Classic Rules
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (The butler will be along shortly with a selection of fine wines to sip while you're taking a fine shit.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is pissing off the toilet.)
#No praying to the toilet gods for relief from your horrific constipation clogging up your super tight butthole. (Or no vomiting in the toilet or some bullshit like that.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Sit. Normally. God. Fucking. Dammit.)
#No fishing in the toilet. (Put the goddamn fishing pole away, you won't find a barraturda.)
#No peeing in the urinal like a bitch. (GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE PISS PROPERLY?!) (Piss like a man, piss like a bitch, doesn't bother me, baby. As long as I have that sweet, sweet... PISS!" [proceeds to make gargling noises] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)
===Episode 50===
Part 1
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Ponder all your mistakes and poor life choices, that usually helps the anal fudge blast out your butthole faster.)
#No sitting and shitting like you're riding on a horse. (Onward noble steeds, ready your plungers and prepare to fight the urinal hordes!)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard (backwards). (BITCH YOU'RE NOT EVEN AIMING YOUR ANUS AT THE TOILET, NOBODY NEEDS TO SEE AN EF5 TURD-NADO SPEWING OUT YOUR ANUS AT 300 MPH!!!)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Well, at least now you're aiming your anus at the toilet, but still. SIT AND SHIT IN AN ORDERLY FUCKING MANNER!!)
#No smoking in toilet. (Hey, put the fucking cigarette away, the bathroom is full of gas!) (Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to take a smoke while taking a shit! But I can't since your noises are distracting me from getting all this smokey shit out of my—) (proper fart noise and then explosion sound) (Now that's what we call Butthole-Bomb.)
German Rules
#Sit and schnitzel in an orderly manner. (Remember to flex those muscles while that massive bratwurst blasts out your Autobahn.)
#No sitting and schnitzel like a damn Schweinhund. (Auf Wiedersehen!)
Australian Rules
Rules for the toilet in Australia? Hang on, gotta fix this. [swish!]
Right, so ya know the drill ya fockin' cunts, don't sit and shit out a fockin' platypus from ya butt cunt, dingo brains! And if ya sit and shit on the bloody fockin' floor, a kangaroo will give ya a right fockin' bop on ya cuntin' cunt ya fockin' cunt, mate.
Part 2
This restroom is here for your convenience. Please help keep it clean.
#YES!: Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
#NO!: Do not— [proper instant diarrhea noises when a picture of a person not sitting on the toilet and pooping like a retard is shown]
Part 3
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate incredibly spicy Mexican food. No, we do not need to fucking see the fire diarrhea spewing out your butthole faster than the speed of sound.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (GOD FUCKING DAMN IT IT'S SO FUCKING EASY JUST SIT LIKE A NORMAL GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PERSON AND SHIT QUIETLY, WHY DO YOU UNHINGED DONUTS INSIST ON USING THE TOILET LIKE A PROLAPSING BUFFALO THAT JUST ATE 27000 LAXATIVES GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA— [beep])
#Throw the entire god-damned toilet paper roll in the toilet. (Oh, okay!)
Classic Rules/Part 4
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Think about how a butler would empty his bowels. Yes, by sitting quietly like a fine gentleman, not like a loud-ass water buffalo in heat spewing out diarrhea so fast it makes a garden hose look like a fucking dripping faucet.)
#No puking in the toilet. (The toilet is for anal diarrhea, not verbal diarrhea.)
#No fishing in the toilet. (You just shat out a river of diarrhea, your stupid-ass fishing pole won't have much luck catching liquid, dipshit.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Use the fucking urinals, nobody needs to see your disgusting and tiny penis.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. ("Oh yes we all want to see shit-sausages squeezing out your butthole in full view of fucking everyone." Fucking idiot.)
#No challenging the toilet to a rap battle while using a giant turd as a microphone. ("I'm the goddamn Sam, and I'm here to say, I've got the best shit in the U.S.A!" "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!")
===Canada Day Special 2023===
#Point at a toilet and behold the incredible porcelain throne. (My fair gentlemen, behold the most excellent throne of porcelain for relieving your incredibly clogged lower intestine at utmost speed. An utterly outstanding appliance for being seated and relieving your cavernous bowels like any fair gentleman.)
#No doing sick-ass skateboard tricks on the toilet. ("Wassup G, watch me skateboard kick over dat massive fucking turd, yo!")
#No sitting and shitting while sleeping. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT ASSHOLE ALARM GOING OFF OK OK OK I'M AWAKE!)
#No sitting and shitting while taking a selfie or filming a toilet vlog. ("Yo wassup guys it's ya boi Sammy here today with another vlog. I'm just chilling out here on the toilet, been trying to take a big-ass dump for the last hour but nothing's coming out.")
===Episode 51===
Part 1
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Well, more like no sitting and shitting in an upright fetal position. It's your own damn fault for eating those Carolina Reaper pepper tacos for dinner last night, your butthole is going to cry tears of diarrhea all damn day.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (No crying buttholes when you sit up straight and push out that butthole behemoth with confidence.)
Part 2
#Read and shit in an orderly manner. (Nothing gets that butthole flowing like reading the stock market pages. Especially on a day your investments have all crashed.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Fuck off with your stupid-ass squats, sit your stupid ass down before a diarrhea dump deluge spews all over the fucking seat.)
#No sitting and shitting like an Australian. (Toilet's not the right way around, cunt.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn acrobat. (BITCH WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS SIT AND SHIT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON?!?!) (The toilet seat is dirty. I don't want to sit down on it!) (Look at where your hands are.) (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-)
===Episode 52===
#Piss in the urinal standing up. (You and your piss stay away from the fucking toilet.)
#No pissing on the urinal. (THE, URINAL, IS, RIGHT, FUCKING, THERE.)
#No pissing in the urinal like a bitch. (Grrr, bark, woof, bad boy!)
#No pissing a pissy parabola (backwards). (Seems like the fast and easy way to get a quick golden shower.)
#If you miss, clean your piss. (Everyone always fucking misses, how hard is it to stay on target?)
#Please, men lift up the seat before peeing. (But it's too far away and that means I have to lift my hand and reeeeeeeeeeeeeach! Too difficult. Just piss everywhere.)
===Episode 53===
Rules for the Urinal
#Pose and piss like the Leaning Tower of… (Don't say it!) Pissa. (BOOOO!)
#No sitting and shitting in the urinal like a damn retard. (BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY I HAVEN'T PISSED IN TWELVE HOURS MY BLADDER'S GOING TO TURN INTO MOUNT SAINT HELENS NOW FUCK OFF AND STOP SHITTING IN THE FUCKING URINAL!!!)
Rules for the Toilet
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you have plumbing issues. No, showing everyone the waterfall of shit spewing out your butthole will not fucking help.)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF YOU FUCKING FREAKS WOULD JUST FUCKING SHIT NORMALLY WE WOULDN'T NEED ALL THESE FUCKING RULES FOR THE FUCKING TOILET FOR FUCKING FUCK'S SAKE.)
More Rules for the Toilet
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Duh, no shit.) (I don't want no shit, I've been sitting on this stupid toilet for three hours and all I got is no shit!)
#Drop the entire toilet roll into the toilet. (I mean, if you've seen my big-ass shits, you know I need the entire fucking roll.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard.
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard (backwards). (Goddammit stop with all this sitting and shitting like damn retards and sit your fat asses on the porcelain throne!) (But the toilet seat is disgusting! I don't want to sit on it!) (You shut your damn mouth, while the goddamn Microsoft Sam reads the rules for the toilet.)
#No throwing the entire toilet roll into the trash bin. (HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY! THE TRASH BIN IS TOTALLY UNWORTHY OF THE MIGHTY TOILET PAPER! THE TOILET IS SMART ENOUGH TO GET RID OF IT INSTANTLY, BUT THE STUPID TRASH BIN HAS TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO GET RID OF ALL THAT SHIT! Lazy bastard.)
Even More Rules for the Toilet
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (BITCH YOUR ANUS ISN'T EVEN AIMING AT THE TOILET OH MY GOD A WATER BUFFALO WITH EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA HAS BETTER TOILET MANNERS THAN YOU YOU FUCKING DONKEY!!!)
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. ("Nooooooooo I don't know how to sit normally it's too complicated for my donut brain I'd rather sit and shit like a damn retard!")
#No throwing any kind of paper in the trash bin.
#Piss all over the toilet paper and dump it into the toilet. (LET'S... GET... PISSED!)
Scottish Rules for the Toilet
What the? "Scottish" Rules for the Toilet? Well then...
Scottish pipers and drummers need some help here lads! [proceeds to play Scottish bagpipe music]
Alright ya bastards, daw gereeshplaw while I read dee thee rules for the fockin' cludgie.
#Don't fockin' sit and shite like a doghide. Yer boggin' shite looks like the baby from the hurrah session me and the boys had last night. Aye, even yer shite looks bloody steamin'.
#Sit yer bahoochie down on the cludgie and squeeze out yer shite. Din may leave without wiping yer manky arse (yeah don't want them skiddies lad).
#No wavin' bye-bye to yer fuckin' shite mate. Yer shites are off ta shite heaven, but ease up, you'll be back here for another shite in the morn's morn mate.
(Speak English!) (Ya talk like a winch!) (Oh is nuh talking like a winch, ya dangleberry!) (Ah shut your Gob!)
===Episode 54===
Rules for the Toilet
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be a good boy and sit quietly while a big-ass bowel behemoth bursts from your butthole.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your tiny penis probably can't even hit the bowl.)
#No puking in the toilet. (Fuck off with your puke, you're wasting valuable shitting time.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you want to be an ass-tronaut. No, eating creamed corn and baked beans and prunes and then making everyone watch a shitstorm explode from your anus at 93 miles an hour is not the fucking way to do it.)
#No fishing in the toilet. (Fish out a turd, and what do you get? Gold. No, that's last night's corn.)
#No peeing in the urinal like a bitch. (Grrrrr, bark, woof! Bad bitch!)
More Rules for the Toilet
#No dumping garbage or giant cheeseburgers into the toilet. (BITCH WHO THE FUCK DUMPS A PERFECTLY GOOD CHEESEBURGER INTO THE TOILET?) (I think it's one of those veggie burgers.) (Disgusting. Down the toilet you go.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Side effects may include your skin turning bright red. Contact your doctor immediately if sitting and shitting like a damn retard transforms you into a tomato.)
#No smoking and shitting. (You'll give the turds cancer.)
Rules for the Toilet Brush
#No combing your hair with the toilet brush. (It's the hot new way to style your hair! Get your toilet water tonic today for that shitty hair look!)
#No wiping your butthole with the toilet brush. (We know your super tight butthole is clogged with shit. You don't need a toilet brush, you need a jackhammer for that shit.)
#Use the toilet brush in the toilet, obviously. (Hey, has anyone seen my toothbrush?) (No.)
Finally, the last rule: Wash your damn hands. (I'M TALKING TO THOSE DISGUSTING FREAKS WHO GO TO THE BATHROOM BUT THEN DON'T WASH THEIR HANDS. YOU DISGUST ME. YOU DISGUST EVERYONE. YOU SHOULD BE CATAPULTED INTO AN OCEAN OF HAND SANITIZER. WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OR I'LL WASH THEM WITH LAVA.) (Yeah, wash your hands! Don't be disgusting! But enough of that. I still can't find my toothbrush. I guess this big brush near the toilet will have to do.)
(brushing noise)
*(SCOTTY YOU BRAINLESS SON OF A BITCH WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S THE TOILET BRUSH NOT A FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH OH GOD I'M GONNA BE SICK GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—)
*(OH MY GOD THAT'S THE NASTIEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN WHAT A TERRIBLE DAY TO HAVE EYES FUCK THIS FUCK THAT FUCK ALL THIS SHIT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—)
==Sochi Rules==
#Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not hang from the ceiling and aim your anus at the toilet. It will miss and the FSB will make you clean it up with your tongue.)
#No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your other partner in the stall doesn't need to see your fat, smelly, and disgusting penis.)
#No praying to the toilet gods or puking in the toilet. (It will disturb your stallmate.)
#No sitting and shitting like a damn idiot. (No one wants to see your partially digested vodka when you do that. If you do this, the FSB will force you to clean the toilet bowl with your tongue.)
#No fishing in the toilet. (You're not Vladimir Putin, you won't be able to catch a great white shark like a badass.)
#No taking drugs. (That is messed up.)
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