Movie Theater Etiquette

If you listen to the film industry tell it, the movie business is in the shitter and times are tough. The fact is, total ticket sales are actually up if you look at a long enough timeline. In 2015, 1.3 billion tickets were sold. Now, when you compare that to the nearly 1.6 billion sold in 2002...yeah, that seems rough. But, when you compare to the barely 1 billion sold in 1980...that's pretty good, right? But, they like to tell you that business is down and that not as many people are going to the movies anymore like they were "in the good ol' days"...so they can rationalize raising prices as well as all the stupid gimmicks they keep creating. 3D, 3D IMAX, those vibrating seats that add an assist when you're busting out the old hole in the popcorn bag trick during the big action scene...all that useless shit that doesn't matter if the movie is actually good in the first place. And AMC, one of the big 3 movie theater chains in the U.S., recently hired a new CEO, who's likely under pressure to come up with some new gimmick to justify this position. Adam Aaron said this when asked about appealing to more millennials, a group that apparently doesn't go to the theater as often as people did in the '80s when fewer people bought tickets, and specifically about potentially allowing them to use their phones during the movie, "When you tell a 22-year old to turn off their phone, don't ruin the movie, they hear 'Please cut off your left arm above the elbow.' You can't tell a 22-year old to turn off their cell phone. That's not how they live their life." He basically just said 22-year olds are all fucking entitled, melodramatic, ADD cases who can't focus on one thing for 2 hours so we need to cater them instead of tell them "no". And maybe he's right. I'd like to give the 16-25 year old crowd a little more credit than that...not much, but a little more. But maybe these people are that pathetic. If you are, let me just tell you this. Nothing in your life is so important that you can't turn your phone off to watch a movie. If you're waiting for a call 'cause your mom's dying or something, your priorities may need a slight adjustment and you probably shouldn't go see a movie anyway. But hey, what do I know? Maybe you didn't really like her that much anyway. But either way, everything else can wait.
So, his idea was to have certain theaters earmarked as "texting-friendly" theaters...not every theater in the building, but in like a 12-plex, one or two rooms would allow this. Well, can you guess the Internet's response to this? I bet you caaaan! "The sheer idiocy of this idea makes my head hurt. How about we teach kids to act like polite members of society?", says Adam Rosenberg of Mashable. "AMC wants to allow texting in movie theaters. In other news, I'll never go to AMC Theaters ever again", says FOX reporter Jake Hamilton. "Just...ugh!", says Verge Science reporter Loren Grush. Good Morning America asked for opinions on Twitter. None of the ones I read seemed too thrilled about the idea.
So I know you've already posted before watching this far, which might actually prove that ADD theory correct. But, AMC has already heard you as loud and as fucking clear as a vibrating phone beside you in the theater during the emotional part of the movie. They will no longer be exploring this idea. But of course, as you know, people are still going to do it. And it's fucking annoying. Where I live, it costs about $11 to go see a movie per ticket. Then for 2 people, it's another $12-$20 for pop, popcorn, and snacks. And I'd like to enjoy the movie, not listen to some fuck tappin' away on their phone and having a bright light constantly flashing in my peripherals.
So, AMC CEO Adam Aaron, I have a new idea for you. This is one I've been thinking about for a while. It's a 3-tier class system for theaters. Everyone starts at Tier 1. These are the good theaters; nice, clean, comfy reclining seats, big screens, best sound systems, options for 3D, all the snack choices, all that shit. And if you get caught doing something shitty...fuckin' around with your phone, talking throughout the movie, leaving a wad of used napkins in the cup holders, using two cup holders, putting your feet on the backs of other people's chairs, basically being a shit head in some ways, you'd get knocked down to Tier 2. You'll have a membership card which will be flagged, and it won't let you buy tickets for Tier 1. The Tier 2 theater doesn't have reclining seats. There's no 3D. You get the new movies the week after they come out. The screens are smaller. The food choices are limited, and they only clean each theater once a day in the morning. So any spills or dropped popcorn...well, the late show's gonna be a bit sticky/crunchy. You have to watch 3 movies there and prove that you can behave before you're invited back to Tier 1. And if you fuck up there, you get knocked down to Tier 3. Tier 3's seats are just aluminum folding chairs. Stadium seating? Haa...I don't think so. The projector's a $300 Ben Cue that you can buy at Best Buy. The audio's mono. They don't have ice, in fact they don't even have refrigeration. All the pop is flat and warm. They don't have popcorn, they just have shelled peanuts. You have to crack them open yourself during the movie. And the floor's lousy with shells and all sorts of shit because they only clean the theater once a month. Every movie's at least a month old. And the pre-movie trivia contains full-on spoilers. And anything goes in this theater. This is the place for you if you just can't adult and can't help yourself from being a world-class fuck in public. You wanna text? You wanna sprawl across three seats? You wanna spend every second of "Jurassic World" talking to your friend about your shitty boyfriend drama no one gives a fuck about? And then give me a fucking pissy look when I tell you to shut the fuck up? You can do that here. And you have to log 10 screenings there before you're even welcome back to Tier 2 for another try.
So...AMC, Regal, Cinemark, Cineplex, this one's free. I mean, it pretty much has to be. You won't be able to afford to pay my consulting fee when you lose a big chunk of your business because no one wants to go to the other tiers when they get kicked out of the nice one and they just stay home and pirate movies from then on. But, the people who actually LIKE going to the movies and don't wanna put up with the boot-scrapings of society will certainly appreciate it. No...instead, keep thinking of new ways to appeal to the lowest common denominator. After all, they're the ones who'll keep going to the reboots, remakes, and sequels anyway. And here's something to think about, dipshit who thinks they should be allowed to have their phones out all the time no matter who it might be annoying or distracting to, if a movies sucks so bad that it can't hold your attention long enough to not text your nobody friends about your nothing lives, why the fuck are you paying money to sit in a theater and see it anyway?