Bart's Friend Falls in Love/Quotes

:Milhouse: [asks Magic 8 Ball] Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
:Nelson: That ball knows everything. [punches him]
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:Bart: (After the 8-Ball says otherwise about his friendship with Milhouse) What could come between two bestest buddies like us?
:(scene change to show Samantha Stanky, with ominous music)
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:Principal Skinner: Now it's never easy to come to a new school, so let’s make her feel right at home. Please say a big elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky!
:[kids laugh]
:Samantha Stankey: Stankey.
:Principal Skinner: Oh, right....how embarrassing for you. Well, goodbye!
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:Edna Krabappel: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
:Samantha: Uh huh.
:Edna Krabappel: So, why don't you stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
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:Samantha: We just moved here from Phoenix. My dad owns a home security company. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate and lackluster police force. All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to...but I'm not.
:Edna Krabappel: It'll take you about six weeks, dear.
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:Edna Krabappel: Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans... I will now show a short sex-education film. Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents's wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
:Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious, But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System." I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What".
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:Edna Krabappel: She's faking it.
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:Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
:Edna Krabappel: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.
:Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man half-apelike creature?
:Edna Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
:Bart: God, shmod! I want my monkey-man!
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:Milhouse: Uh, that’s a nice dress.
:Samantha: My dad makes me wear it, I hate it!
:Milhouse: Well, I hate it too!
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:Otto: Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!
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:Samantha: Hi.
:Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt?
:Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
:Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
:Samantha: Maybe I should go.
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:Bart: [to Samantha] You can read comics with us. Let's see...something for the lady. Ah, Radioactive Man vs. the Swamp Hog.
:Samantha: Do you have any girl comics? Like Bonnie Craine, Girl Attorney, Punkin & Dunkin, The Twinkle Twins, or Lil' Kneesocks?
:Bart: No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.
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:Kent Brockman: Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.
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:Marge: [in a dream about Homer's funeral] I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
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:Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger?
:Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why, sweetie?
:Lisa: According to "Eternity Magazine", you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
:Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.
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:Homer: Lose weight and listen to new age music? Wow. What do you think Marge?
:Marge: [loudly] Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are.
:Marge: [whispering] Lisa, what's that number?
:[Marge is making an order]
:Marge: Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband.
:Telephone operator: Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking, learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations..
:Marge: Hmm...hostage negotiations.
:[Marge suddenly imagines Homer at the airport outside a hijacked plane. He is wearing army fatigues and yelling through a bullhorn]
:Homer: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. What do you say to that?
:[Terrorist sticks submachine gun out of plane hatch and guns down Homer. A frightened Marge returns to reality]
:Marge: Better give me the weight loss tape.
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:Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less.
:Homer: Lose weight and listen to New Age music? Wow!
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:Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
:Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
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:Bart: [about Milhouse and Samantha] All they do is kiss.
:Marge: How cute! They don't open their mouths, do they?
:Bart: No.
:Marge: How cute!
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:Martin [to Bart]: This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes!
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:Mr. Stankey: Samantha!
:Samantha: Dad!
:Mr. Stankey: Nooo! [the crows squawking away]
:Mr. Stankey: I mean, Samantha, hi, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
:Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I…
:Mr. Stankey: That's enough! I'm putting you in an all-girl-school! And you're never going to see that boy again!
:Samantha: Milhouse!
:Milhouse: Samantha! [Samantha puts in Stankey's Car then Mr. Stankey drives away]
:Bart: Well Milhouse, 'tis better to have loved and lost... yatta, yatta, yatta. Let's go to the arcade!
:Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy!
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:Lisa: Hey Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have an extra finger!
:Bart: Five fingers...ooh, freak show!
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:Bart: Milhouse, we're living at the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you’re running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
:Milhouse: Bart, it's just not the kissing. A lot of it is waiting to kiss. You know like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little bit for it to melt?
:Bart: But she doesn’t melt.
:Milhouse: Oh, yes she does.
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:Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
:Bart: Oh, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when they're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
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:Homer Marge, where's that... metal... dealy... you use to... dig... food?
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:Bart: [after Samantha is sent to Saint Sebastian School, an all-girls school] Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house.
:Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian. It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me out.
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:Milhouse: Bart, think I can ever find another one like her?
:Bart: You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old people.