How to stop procrastinating your gender crisis

March 1, 2023 - The Big Team Base
Not many Big Team missions had extended periods of waiting. Before today, Mystic Radiance wouldn’t have necessarily counted that as a perk, but she might after today. Something was wrong with Sami’s combat body, and they were all waiting on Dr. O’Shay. Tristane had pulled Sami away and was gesturing emphatically about something. That left Mystic Radiance with Ryan, who she knew of but didn’t really know. She mentally flung around for something to talk about and hit on the thing she’d been asking every non-cis member of the team she had a chance to. Asking someone she didn’t know as well was a lot more intimidating, but it was better than standing here in awkward silence.
“Hey Ryan, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but…how did you know about your gender? Or uh, lack thereof?”
Ryan, who had been doing their level best not to listen into Tristane and Sami’s conversation, was more than happy for any distraction, and looked over to Mystic Radiance, considering the question as they did.
“I don’t mind answering,” they said, first, to get that out of the way; this is something they’re more than happy being transparent about. “And, well…for the record, this kind of thing is going to be a little different for everyone, but for me…” they think back. “I was never very comfortable being called gendered terms as a kid -- like, I didn’t argue with people, because you know how you assume adults are right about things when you’re little? So I just kind of thought everyone was a little uncomfortable all the time and rolled with that, but it wasn’t great. I always got so happy whenever someone assumed my gender and got it “wrong,”” they crook their fingers in the air quotes. “And of course I kind of assumed that was normal too.”
They laughed a little at themself, shaking their head. “Well, I got kind of lucky because my mom knew a lot about trans issues -- my eldest sister, Summer, is trans as well and she’s ten years older than me, so I don’t even remember when she came out. And it was different between Summer and me, of course, but Mom knew some of what she was looking at, and she took me aside at one point and asked if I knew that I could just be neither, or both, and that was okay.” They snorted. “I had no idea that “neither or both” were options, of course, I was like, nine. So she offered to start using neutral language for me around home and we could see if I liked it, and the first time it happened…” they trailed off, and shrug, but they were smiling.
“It was great. It didn’t realize how much being upset about that all the time was tiring me out. It was weird, for a bit, and again I got really lucky in that we stumbled into something that felt like it fit very quickly -- but for me I really just needed language that reflected that I’m not a girl, I’m not a boy, I’m not going to be either, and that’s just my constant state.” They paused, and then waved a hand. “And then there was talks with my doctor and stuff later for like, physical transition stuff, but that all came later. Does that help?”
Mystic Radiance had never considered that all her thinking about gender might be distracting or tiring her, but it felt true as soon as Ryan had said it. The weight of the worry.
“Yeah, that does help,” Mystic Radiance sighed. “I think I’ve known the answer for a while, but I’ve been hoping someone will tell me something that’ll mean I’m wrong. Because who am I if I’m not this?” She gestured at her outfit, the whole mini skirt and sparkle of it. “Where do I fit into my legacy? I’ve been who I’ve been told to be for so long, I’m not sure how to start pushing back against that.”
Mystic Radiance sighed again and leaned back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. “Sorry, I’m sure that’s…heavier than you really agreed to.”
Ryan shook their head, amused -- although not really at Mystic Radiance, just at the situation. “Whenever someone starts with saying I don’t have to answer and then asks how I knew about my gender, it’s usually going to be heavy. So I know what I’m signing up for. As for the rest of it…well, the good and bad news is that there really isn’t going to be any one thing someone will tell you that will prove to you that how you’re feeling about your gender is wrong. Once that stops being deeply terrifying, it actually kind of rules.”
They sigh. “As for the rest of it…I’m not sure how much help I can be, there. I didn’t really have the same sort of expectations put on me that you’re talking about -- or, well, I had different expectations put on me. So I can tell you a lot about being true to yourself or something and I think it would ring hollow, because I wouldn’t know what I’m actually talking about. So I guess…if you don’t mind me asking, what are you feeling about your gender? Where are you at, thinking about it now?”
"Ha, what a question." Mystic Radiance thought for a long moment before giving a real answer. Across the room, Tristane slammed her hand on the table she was standing next to, apparently very passionate about whatever she was talking to Sami about.
"I haven’t looked at any labels yet, but I don't think I have a gender. Or if I do, it's not…this," Mystic Radiance tugged at a bow on her skirt. "I cut my hair, um I mean, my real hair? My other hair? Uh, I look different when I'm not in costume is what I mean. And having it so short feels right. Sometimes when I de-transform or wake up I’ll see it in the mirror and get a rush. And sometimes I'll think of myself in the third person with non-gendered language and that feels good. But I'm scared. Taking a real step and not just asking people is intimidating.”
“It is,” Ryan agreed. “And honestly, labels are useful but not necessary, a lot of the time you just start out with well, not this, and can start making more educated guesses from there. And honestly, if you’re intimidated about it for the moment, you don’t have to do anything before you want to -- it’s really one of those things that can happen on your timetable. But it sounds like you’re also feeling like you want to start trying out more neutral language -- am I reading that right, or am I way off?”
Mystic Radiance didn’t need to think it over, but still took a moment to answer. Saying it out loud felt right, but also like a ledge. Going back to “just asking” wouldn’t be an option. But then again, there was no going back at all now. And as scary as moving forward was, it felt right. “Yeah, I do.”
Ryan smiled at the younger superhero, leaning back against the wall. “Well, there you go. For what it’s worth, congratulations, even deciding that for yourself is a really big step to take. Is there anything in particular you’d like me to call you, or do you still want time to think about it? I won’t say anything to anyone unless you give me the go-ahead on this.”
Mystic Radiance smiled, a thrill of fear and excitement pulsing through them. "I'll keep my names, at least for now. I really like my civilian name, and as for Mystic Radiance, I don't have a replacement in mind. But if...if you want to start using they/them for me...I think that's what I want. And there’s no need to keep it a secret, but I need to talk to a few people before I announce it to the whole team."
Their mind drifted back to the sparkly elephant in the room: their outfit. Old news images of Ethereal Brilliance proved her outfit had changed over time. Maybe Mystic Radiance's could as well, but that was a problem for later, for after they all helped Sami.
"And thanks, Ryan."
“Sometimes you luck out and get a good name first go,” Ryan agreed, smiling back at them. “I did as well. And I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you for telling me, Mystic Radiance.”
Mystic Radiance nodded as GAIA's voice echoed through the speakers, announcing the arrival of Dr. O’Shay. The wait was over. It was mission time.
Category:Scenes