Transcripts 2005-09

Transcripts from September 2005 strips.
==September 1==
Panel 1The Governor storms down the hallway to the right, emoting a skull and crossbones in anger. Kevin whistles "♪" as he casually tries to walk up the hallway to the left.Panel 2The Governor grabs Kevin's tail and drags him along, as Kevin slams his eyes shut in disappointment, a black cloud rising over his head.Governor: HEEL!
==September 2==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Single PanelA rare colour installment of Church comics. A seaside scene with the foreground in silhouette, and the sea, beach, hills, and sky in colour. A huge cloudbank is in the horizon, with some of the clouds forming the horns sign.Caption (Al): Now I'm not a spiritual person, and while the story in the last strip with the fruit machine made me think, I bought a four pack of Stella with part of my winnings and promptly forgot about it.Caption (Al): Until I saw this in the clouds while walking along the beach the other day...Caption (Al): I still don't know if there's anyone "up there", but now I'm pretty sure they have sense of humour if they are.
==September 5==
Panel 1The Governor is leaning over and screaming in Nathan's face as Nathan lies in his hospital bed, panicking at being yelled at.Governor: YOU STUPID LITTLE DICK! YOU ALMOST RUINED EVERYTHING!Nathan: It wasn't me that was causing the outages I swear!Panel 2Close-up of the Governor screaming and pointing into the camera (Nathan's face, off-panel).Governor: I'm not talking about that you stupid prick! I'm talking about having to call an ambulance to a SECRET location because we thought you had broken your stupid back and needed a spinal board! Do you know what kind of security risk you caused?Panel 3Kevin is standing behind the Governor, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. The Governor looks up from Nathan and glares at Kevin.Kevin: It's almost as bad as someone losing their rag and start shouting about it!Governor: Yeah!...SHUT UP!
==September 6==
Panel 1Brain is standing guard to keep Red from leaving, but he has a very embarrassed expression as he looks over his shoulder at the commotion from Nathan's room. Red glances in the direction of Nathan's room out of curiosity.Governor (off-panel): DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CONVINCE PARAMEDICS TO WEAR BLINDFOLDS? HUH? DO YOU?Panel 2Close-up of Red, listening in.Kevin (off-panel): Will you please keep it down sir?Governor (off=panel: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!Panel 3Brain's hand holds out a large yellow earplug to Red, who stares at it.Brain: I would ask miss not to listen to the governor please.Brain: I brought these earplugs for such occasions!
==September 7==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is turned slightly away from the camera and lazily gesturing with one hand.Al: You know I wasn't going to do a piece on hurricane Katrina, because of the simple fact that everything worth saying, and a lot of things that weren't, have been said already!Panel 2Al is facing the camera directly with his hands behind his back.Al: However yesterday, president "Dubya" Bush announced that he would personally head up an investigation into the lack of response to the disaster.Panel 3Al is leaning in to "peer" at the camera, smirking.Al: So instead of holding press conferences, photo shoots and generally capitalising on the catastrophe, politicians from both sides are now busy blaming each other and finding scapegoats instead! Nice to know where their priorities lie isn't it?
==September 8==
Panel 1Kevin stiffens his back, arms behind him as he grits his teeth and glances aside. The Governor cringes and covers his eyes with a hand.Kevin: Sir can we PLEASE do this somewhere else? The walls are awfully thin here!Governor: Okay, OKAY! You win, but only because I'm getting a splitting headache!Panel 2Kevin stares blankly as the Governor leans over and pokes a startled Nathan in the nose in a clear threat. Kevin's plush chicken is sitting on an end table near the bed.Governor: Right, I'll see YOU later then! Then we'll have a nice, long chat over tea, biscuits and electrodes attached to interesting parts of your anatomy!
==September 9==
Panel 1The Governor is cackling with glee and grabbing his tie as he and Kevin leave Nathan's room. Kevin looks miffed.Governor: BWHAHAHA! Did you see his face when I mentioned the electrodes? Oh that made my day!Kevin: That wasn't funny sir! Did you really have to scare the poor kid like that?Panel 2Close-up of the Governor, smirking with mischief.Governor: Yes it was and yes I did! Tomorrow when I question him he'll be too petrified to give me any bullshit...Panel 3Close-up of Nathan, eyes bugging out as he lies in bed.Nathan (thinking): I'm not going to lie... I'm going to run away screaming like a little girl!
==September 12==
Panel 1Brain is looking away, arms crossed, as the Governor approaches Red, who is still detained. The Governor has a sly look on his face, but Red is unamused.Governor: Sorry to keep you waiting miss... miss...?Red: That's DOCTOR! Doctor Ruby Scarlet!Panel 2Red turns and glares directly at the Governor, crossing her arms as the Governor gives her the stink-eye.Panel 3Red sighs as the Governor makes a face of disbelief.Governor: Roby... Scarlet...Red: Old family genetic quirk plus unimaginative parents if you must know!
==September 13==
Panel 1Nathan is lying in bed, looking contemplative.Nathan (thinking): Right, I'd better get out of here while they're busy talking! I've only got a cracked rib so I should get out of here easily...Panel 2Nathan strains to get up with a "N N N N N G G!" grunt, a ★ floating from his chest indicating pain.Panel 3Nathan lies back, struggling to hold back tears in his eyes.Nathan (thinking): Ah, in that plan I forgot to factor in that I'm a complete pansy with zero pain tolerance!
==September 14==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is holding up a wad of money almost as though reciting the Yorick's skull scene from Hamlet.Al: One thing I've learned from watching the US version of "The Apprentice", other then the fact that TV executives need to be shot in the face, is that money CAN buy happiness! Or a least lots of buildings, gold plated things and a fit, treasure-digging girlfriend to make you happy.Panel 2Al leans in toward the camera with a grin, hands behind his back.Al: So in Donald Trump's case, money does indeed buy happiness!Al: Sadly for him though, money clearly can't buy you hair!
==September 15==
Panel 1Red glares even harder at the Governor, who gives her a stern look.Governor: Right, are you the only person here to see the patient awake?Red: I'm not saying anything! Who the hell do you think you are?Panel 2The Governor points a finger in Red's face and gets angry, to Red's shock.Governor: I think I'm someone I shouldn't fuck around with, because I think I'm the kind of person who can find out EVERYTHING about you from medical malpractice to the last guy you sucked off! Plus anything else you don't want others to find out!Panel 3Red goes catatonic as the Governor grins at her.Governor: So, does that answer your little question?Red: Yes.Governor: Good!
==September 16==
Panel 1Close-up of Nathan staring at the ceiling.Nathan (thinking): Right, I'm pretty much immobile so how do I get out of here? Maybe that nurse could help me.Panel 2Nathan's mind wanders.Nathan (She's kind of cute too in an odd kind of way. I wonder if she's single...Panel 3Nathan slams his eyes shut, frowning.Nathan (thinking): NO! FOCUS! You have to prevent it being burned off before you think about getting it wet!
==September 19==
Panel 1Red flinches backward as the Governor gives her a wicked sneer.Governor: We can do this two ways...Panel 2The Governor closes his eyes and gestures in an explanatory fashion.Governor: The easy way, where you co-operate with us, you're the only person to see the patient and you get a hefty sum dropped into your back account from an untraceable source...Panel 3Close-up of the Governor giving an even more wicked grin into the camera, the background popping with a red-orange starburst effect.Governor: Or we can do it the FUN way, where your bank account suddenly goes into large, negative numbers just at the same time your extensive criminal record you didn't mention on your job application comes to the attention of the HR department! So Doc, what's it gonna be?
==September 20==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is sitting at his computer and drawing with a pen tablet as he leans back, smiling. There is a sticker of a face reminiscent of Terrance and Phillip on his tower.Caption (Al): Been trying out the demo of Flash 8 and at first I was impressed. All the mayor gripes with it seemed to be addressed (including fixing a really annoying bug that's been around since Flash 5) and there was a lot off cool features to make life easier.Panel 2Same as panel 1, but now Al is sitting up and frowning, a dark cloud over his head.Caption (Al): As my copy of MX (Flash 6) has steadily got worse after I uninstalled XP, getting 8 was a no brainier... until I tried using 8 for a few hours. I noticed the gradient transform tool (one of my favourites) stops working after a while and pretends to be the select tool instead, making it impossible to use! JOY!Panel 3A cubicle worker is suddenly shocked, radiating electricity and showing off a burning skeleton. The worker in the adjacent cubicle is looking over the wall, eyes bulging in fright. There is a blank three-panel comic pinned to the cubicle wall.Caption (Al): Also Macromedia, you missed out a feature. A "electrocute a worthless Macromedia employee" button that we can press each time we find a bug in your shitty software! Maybe then you'd stop grunting out unfinished products onto the market you useless fucks!
==September 21==
Panel 1Red snarls at the Governor, not intimidated. The Governor rolls his eyes in thought.Red: You don't scare me! I don't have a criminal record and you can't touch my bank account!Governor: Not very quick are you? No wonder you're still NHS!Panel 2The camera zooms out to show Brain unamused. Red starts at hearing what he says, while the Governor smiles at him.Governor: Hey Brain, why are we going to freeze her bank account?Brain: Ummm... How about she's involved in the production and sale of counterfeit drugs and has links to child sex trafficking?Governor: Good one!Panel 3Same as panel 1, but Red is rendered speechless, mouth agape, as the Governor straightens his back in pride.Governor: You see doctor, we're are only limited by our imaginations. So, are you going to play nicely now?Red:Governor: I'll take that as a "yes"!
==September 22==
Panel 1Red is frowning, ears folded back and shoulders slumped as she walks toward the right.Red (thinking): What have I got myself into this time? At first I thought they where full of shit, but when my entire schedule got cancelled I knew something was up. I didn't think God himself could clear my schedule for an hour, let alone a few days!Panel 2Camera zoomed out to show Red's full body. Her fists are clenched as she stiffly walks along, not bending her elbows or knees. There is a blank white paper (if any text, unreadable) and a "FIRE" panel on the far wall.Red (thinking): Whatever it is, I hate it! I hate being threatened as much as I hate being bossed about! Also there's that G-Man wannabe. There was something about that prick...Panel 3Same as panel 1 but Red has straightened her back and is glaring behind her, ears erect.Red (thinking): For some reason I wanted to slap him, even before he opened his mouth!
==September 23==
Panel 1Brain, the Governor, and Kevin walk toward the left. Only Brain's arm is visible. The Governor looks pleased with himself, while Kevin crosses his arms in disapproval.Governor: Right, that's that done! Do you fancy going for a coffee Kevin?Kevin: You're going to get burned one of these days!Panel 2Close-up of the Governor making a mock regretful face.Governor: Oh please! You know better then I how it is! Officially you can't do things like make threats, but unofficially everybody knows that's the only way you can get the job done! Besides, I was only bluffing! She could have called it!Panel 3The Governor is smug again as Kevin glares at him.Kevin: There were other ways you could have handled that! Don't you ever feel sorry for them?Governor: Sometimes...Governor: ...but then I remember that I'm a complete bastard and I feel much better!
==September 26==
Panel 1Red looks up at the ceiling with a look of intensity.Red (thinking): Okay, think about this. Those guys probably weren't police, but they were still dick-heads that thought they owned the place. Then there was all the cloak and dagger type threats so I keep quiet. In fact they way they acted was straight out of a crappy...Panel 2The camera zooms out to show Red's full body, shock in her eyes as she tucks her hands and tail behind herself.Red (thinking): ...spy...novel...!Panel 3Close-up on Red again as she bites her lip and glances back over her shoulder, touching her fingers together nervously.Red (thinking): So that would make the patient a terrorist? ... No, you heard he works for them. So he's another spy? Oh God, I don't know if I should be turned on or terrified!
==September 27==
Panel 1Red returns to Nathan's room and grabs the doorknob.Red (thinking): Oh come on Red! Spies? You're letting your James Bond fantasies get the better of you! There's bound to be a simple answer to all this!Panel 2Red enters the room to see Nathan lying in bed with a look of worry on his face as he holds up a clipboard reading "SAY NOTHING! GET RID OF THE CHICKEN!" (A caption repeats this for the benefit of anyone who cannot read the handwritten version.Panel 3Close-up of Red shutting her eyes in exasperation.Red: Oh come on Red! You knew there wouldn't be a simple answer to this! That would make your life FAR too simple wouldn't it?
==September 28==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. A highly detailed drawing of a crane fly.Caption (technically, Al): The Crane Fly, better know as the "Daddy Long Legs" in the UK, has to be the most idiotic creature on the planet in more ways then one. The butt ugly cousin of the dragonfly, the crane fly spends most of it's life underground, bugging the crap out of gardeners by eating plant roots. In late summer it turns from is larvae form to the adult fly... where it starts bugging the crap out of the rest of us. Its characteristic long legs are apparently to balance it out while flying because it can't walk with them. Too bad it can't fly for shit ether due to its stumpy little wings. However it's long legs are just prefect for getting caught up in your hair. Its small head is used it good effect however, as it appears to stop flying by head butting things. Large, clumsy and partially stupid even for an insect, it is easy pickings for most predators. So my question is this. If evolution is the is the survival of the fittest...Panel 2Al is fuming with rage at a crane fly BZZZT!ing back and forth against his computer monitor.Al: HOW COME THERE ARE MILLIONS OF THE LITTLE FUCKERS THAT MAKE ME JUMP EVERY TIME THEY SMASH INTO MY COMPUTER'S SCREEN?
==September 29==
Panel 1The plush chicken from Kevin is launched out a window.Red (off-panel): Okay, it's gone. NOW can you ell me why I threw a stuffed chicken out of the window?Panel 2The chicken hits the roof of a car, which makes a BEEP! sound.Nathan (off-panel): It almost certainly had a bug in it! It was the only thing in here they could have planted in here in the short time they had.Panel 3The Governor looks surprised as he drinks a coffee, as Kevin drops his coffee after being startled by the BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! BWEEE! from the car alarm in his earpiece.
==September 30==
Panel 1Close-up of Red with a suspicious look.Red (thinking): Bugged stuffed chickens? Okay he COULD be a spy, but he could just as easily be a paranoid nutcase!Red (thinking): That's the most likely explanation. You'll need a bit more evidence then what he says to back the spy theory up.Panel 2Nathan glances at the floor as Red looks pensive while she faces the window.Nathan: Are my glasses in here? I can use them to scan for any local radio signals from other bugs they could have left!Panel 3Red looks uncomfortable as Nathan sits up slightly as he puts on his glasses with a smile.Red (thinking): Ooookay. Q like gadgets are a pretty good start evidence wise.Nathan: Ooo this place has Wi-Fi! I can read my emails while I scan the room!
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