Cooking With Chemicals/Script

George Watsky: Yo! The name's George Watsky!
Zach Sherwin: And I'm fucking Zach Sherwin.
George Watsky: You're fucking who?
Zach Sherwin: Last time on Total Drama ERB, things took a turn for the worse when Goku got pissed off at everyone because of Justin Bieber. Personally, I think if Bieber wants to be the bad guy, he needs to be less of an obnoxious douche and more of a likeable villain.
George Watsky: You completely skipped over the actual challenge and the fact that it's Justin Bieber.
Zach Sherwin: It's all I got out of that boring episode, anyways.
George Watsky: Right. The challenge in question was a trip over a bridge, where both teams had to race across a massive bridge in which they were to fight a series of monsters. Harsh words were spat, funding organisations were formed, bridges were destroyed, and Gokus were eliminated.
Zach Sherwin: And now they, or at least the men, must face their biggest challenge yet: the kitchen.
*The scene cuts to the cabins, Joan of Arc sitting outside relaxing.*
Cleopatra: Hey, Joan, what're you up to?
Joan of Arc: Just relaxing. Back is still killing me after the last challenge.
Cleopatra: Oh, really? I can't imagine how considering you never even bothered carrying me.
Joan of Arc: Not everything is about you, Cleo. I was busying fighting those obsurd creatures while you were standing there doing nothing.
Cleopatra: Hmph! I was not doing nothing, I was observing. You are not a very good soldier compared to the ones I had back home.
Joan of Arc: I'm not going to take this BS. I'm going elsewhere, see ya. *leaves*
Cleopatra: Fine, see if I care. ...man, he's so charming~
Master Chief: He?
Cleopatra: Joan. He can be a bit aggressive, but rawr, I like my men feisty~
Master Chief: Uh, huh... You do realize that Joan is a gi-
George Watsky (over the intercom): ALRIGHT! Everyone, gather around to the mess hall. Challenge time from some different hosts today. Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD got lazy and put us in charge.
*Muffled pleas for help can be heard over the intercom.*
George Watsky (over the intercom): ...I'll be right back, hold on.
*The scenes cuts to the mess hall, all nineteen contestants entering as George Watsky waits for them.*
George Watsky: Hey there and welcome. As you know, I'm George Watsky, fools.
Mr. T: Whatchu call me?!
George Watsky: Today, you bitches will have a cooking contest.
Joan of Arc: Excuse me? You bitches?
(Confessional) Cleopatra: Awww, look at Joan, standing up for women's rights. He's so supportive!
George Watsky: Shut up. Your goal is to make the judges eat something that shouldn’t kill them, and the better of the dishes will most likely win. Since none of you are supposed to know how to cook, we gave you basic ingredients; Broccoli, cheese, butter, carrots, chicken, salt, pepper, onions, bacon, eggs, and a rare chemical supposed to give the people eating it a period of relaxation. However, if cooked poorly, it will form chemical O.P².O.N.E.N.T., which can fuck up everything.
Kanye West: What the fuck type of name is that?
Leonidas: Why are you trusting us with a dangerous chemical?
George Watsky: Because my faith in humanity died the day I saw you guys.
Anywho, it’s time to meet the judges. First up, our resident artist, Mary Doodles.
Mary Doodles: Well, this is…interesting…
Bob Ross (to Master Chief): I heard she’s an artist…
Master Chief: Good for you.
(Confessional) Bob Ross: Female artists are nice…
George Watsky: Our next judge is local peasant, Zach Sherwin!
Zach Sherwin: Oh fuck you, Watsky!
George Watsky: Our third judge is my homie Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: I’m just the janitor…
George Watsky: And finally, today’s challenge host…Walter White!
Walter White: Anyone wanna buy some meth?
(Confessional) Bob Ross: Hey…he’s the man who gave me and Lennon the turtle powder!
Walter White: Alright, bozos. Today, you have to cook us some food, but here’s the rules.
One; It must represent ONE of your guys’ backgrounds, be it occupation or heritage.
Kanye West: Fried chicken time!
Walter White: Besides racist gimmicks, you fuck.
Two; you must use the chemical. And three; the more ingredients used, the more likely you are to have a good dish.
Lady Gaga: But what if it tastes like shit?
Walter White: Then your family should disown you. Okay, you have stations set up over there.
*Walter White points to 2 outdoor kitchens, with a fridge, oven, grill, microwave and cooking tools*
Walter White: You both have 20 minutes to prepare something. Preferably something edible.
George Watsky: Ready…set…begin!
Epic Winners
Master Chief: Alright, so, who here knows how to cook?
Bob Ross: Ohh, man, do I know how to cook.
Kanye West: Do you know how to cook?
Bob Ross: ...do I what?
Darth Vader: Oh, for fuck's sake...
Bob Ross: Oh! Yeah, I know how to cook, man. I'm cooking stuff up in the kitchen here all the time. No one is ever in there anyways.
Eve: Bob sneaking in here alone to cook things no one knows about? Yeah, that's comforting to know.
Bob Ross: No, no, guys, trust me. I got this. I know a brilliant dish that we can use. We can go with Joan's background using a french cuisine called Morceau de Merde.
Joan of Arc: I've never heard of this dish before.
Al Capone: Ey, whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine. We gots somethin' to go on now, so let's do it. Can't stand another loss.
Joan of Arc: I don't know why, but it just sounds bad...
Cleopatra: Ugh, just get started with it already, geez. Standing around waiting on you guys is hard enough work.
Master Chief: You know, you could help, too.
Cleopatra: No, I'm good. Besides, we got Joan, and he's fine.
Adolf Hitler: Should we feel worried that she's relying more on Joan than anyone else?
Joan of Arc: Is that supposed to mean something, little man?
Cleopatra: Yeah, is it?!
Adolf Hitler: No, no, no, it's- it's all good.
(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: Yeesh, girls are scary...
Massive Failures
Lady Gaga: Alright, as I'm the one conveniently wearing a chef's outfit, I will be the one to lead the cooking in this challenge's meal.
Edgar Allan Poe: That sort of logic is even worse, than the idea of Justin Bieber placing first.
Justin Bieber: Excuse me?
Edgar Allan Poe: My word stands true, as if it was armor she wore, I still wouldn't dare let her lead us to war.
Leonidas: Yeah, war is MY territory.
Mr. T: My momma talk me how to cook, fools! I should be the one to lead this challenge!
Adam: If one of these was a piece of fruit, we could just give it to them and pass it off for my background.
Michael Jordan: Thankfully, we aren't cheap-ass fools.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Hey, now, leave the guy alone. It was just a joke, so no need to get so harsh.
Muhammad Ali: Yeah, ahahaha, everything's cool now. We're all friends. Happy days.
*Muhammad Ali pulls Michael Jordan to the side.*
Michael Jordan: Hey! Watch it! That's my b-ball arm.
Muhammad Ali (whispering): Phew, narrowly dodged that mess.
Michael Jordan: You ain't still going on about that psychic thing, are you?
Muhammad Ali (whispering): Shhh! Keep your voice down! *looks over Michael Jordan's shoulder at the preoccupied Neil deGrasse Tyson* And yes, I am. You didn't see what I saw.
Michael Jordan (whispering): Just give it a rest already, bro. That joke got old last challenge.
Muhammad Ali (whispering): It's not a joke, you idiot!
Michael Jordan (whispering): You aren't fooling anyone. You're being a prick about it, too, making someone who won us the last challenge out to be worse than he is. Now, shut up, and let's get back to work.
Adam: Alright, so, what're we gonna decide on?
Mr. T: Well...almost all of us are 'Murican, so there isn't too much to go off of there in terms of heritage.
Leonidas: My background consists of freshly grown fruits and freshly killed animals. None of this works for that. Except maybe the chicken.
Edgar Allan Poe: Well, avoiding America or anywhere from Europe, we could go with Canadian boy and just drown everything in syrup.
Justin Bieber: Racist.
Lady Gaga: It's more nationality-ist considering Canadian isn't a race.
Justin Bieber: My point still stands.
Adam: What if we just stole shit from the kitchen? I doubt anyone will notice.
Mr. T: Watsky also said we could base it on our jobs, fools.
Michael Jordan: And how exactly are we gonna do that?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: We could just shape the food like the cosmos, guys.
Muhammad Ali: No thank you.
Michael Jordan: What if we just packed it all together in a giant ball and said it was a basketball?
Adam: Thankfully, we aren't cheap-ass fools.
Michael Jordan: Oh, you wanna go there, punk?
Adam: Bring it, long-legs!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Guys, no, stop the violence.
Muhammad Ali: Yeah! No one beats up Michael Jordan but ME!
Leonidas: Aww yeah!! Let's rumble! I've been waiting for an old-fashion brawl!
Mr. T: Hell yeah! I've been a bodyguard for years, so let me get a piece of this action.
*Adam, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Leonidas, and Mr. T all quickly begin duking it out in one big dog pile.*
(Confessional) Lady Gaga: Ugh...boys.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: I have that strange feeling we're gonna lose this challenge because everyone on my team but me is fucking moronic.
Epic Winners
Kanye West: Geez, this shit smells worse than William Wallace!
Eve: Hey, don't be rude. Bob Ross is cooking our whole meal for us. Show a little courtesy.
Bob Ross: Pass the beans, man.
Master Chief: We...don't have any beans.
Al Capone: Here. I cut the broccoli and shaped it like beans.
Master Chief: Umm...how did you do that?
Al Capone: I just know my way around a knife. Any more dumb questions?
Master Chief: Uh, nope. No more questions.
(Confessional) Master Chief: If it wasn't for this suit, I probably wouldn't last half as long as I already have, especially not with guys like Al Capone or Darth Vader.
Joan of Arc: You know, if this is based on my culture, then why am I not helping?
Cleopatra: I'm sure you would make a wonderful cook, too.
Adolf Hitler: Hey, if the guy knows how to cook, let him cook.
Joan of Arc: You saying I can't cook, short stuff?
Cleopatra: Yeah! Are you saying he can't cook?!
Adolf Hitler: No, no, no, it's- it's all good.
(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: Still scary...
Bob Ross: Alright, now all that's left is to cook this baby up and then add the secret chemical in! Nothing to it. Anyone wanna taste first?
*Everyone gathers around and taste tests the meal.*
Eve: Wow, this is really good.
Cleopatra: Way better than anything the servants fed me back home! But I'm certain Joan would've cooked something wonderful as well, right, Joanny~?
Joan of Arc: Ugh...
Al Capone: Ehh, I dunno. I still say I could've made a mean al dente.
Kanye West: But you ain't never not said that.
Al Capone: I said it in my head. You wanna start something?
Kanye West: No, no... Hey, robot-dudes. Wanna take off your helmets and have a taste.
Master Chief and Darth Vader: NO!
Kanye West: Geez, why don't you all just yell at me? ...I don't mean that literally.
Robo-Rogers: Hi, there, neighbors.
Bob Ross: Oh, SHIT, it's him!
George Watsky: What the hell?! Isn't that one of those robot walkers from two challenges ago?
Bob Ross: Don't worry, don't worry. I've got this handled. Just stay patient, all you nice, fine, kind people.
Eve: Did he just call us 'fine'?
Robo-Rogers: I hope you don't mind if I blow you up.
Bob Ross: I'm so glad you could join us to get beaten the fuck up, robo-buddy.
Joan of Arc (whispering): Hmm...alright, while everyone is distracted, I'll be able to help!
*Joan pours the chemical atop the meal before slipping it into the oven. Several minutes pass before the meal is finished.*
Darth Vader: Wait, I don't remember Bob Ross putting it in the oven.
Adolf Hitler: Oh, who cares? It's done. Now, let's just hurry and get it out- OW! Hot, hot, hot...
Master Chief: Probably shouldn't have tried to grab it without oven mitts. Here, I got it.
*Master Chief pulls out the Morceau de Merde as Adolf Hitler runs cold water over his hand.*
George Watsky: And...time! Alright, teams, bring in your foods for us to judge.
*All the boys of the Massive Failures aside from Justin Bieber, even Edgar Allan Poe and Neil deGrasse Tyson having joined it, pause their massively pointless brawl and turn to the judges.*
Adam: ...please don't tell me we just wasted the entire challenge fighting.
Justin Bieber: Yeah, you did. It was pretty fun watching you guys fight, though.
Michael Jordan: Well, I know who we're voting off first.
Adam: I do, too, and his name is Michael J.!
Justin Bieber: Wait, Michael Jackson is on our team?
Mr. T: He meant Michael Jordan, fool.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: *slow claps* That's. The. Joke.
Justin Bieber: So, is this almost done?
Miley Cyrus: Just about.
Lady Gaga: Mostly thanks to Miley Cyrus, here, too.
Justin Bieber: Hey, I helped, too.
Lady Gaga: Yes, but Miley did most of the work, plus it was her idea.
(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: What? Southerners know how to cook. I may not be the brightest in terms of being a nerd girl, but I'd be damned if I didn't know my way around the kitchen. ...I mean, that's what nerd guys like, right? That's what they're always telling me when I play that Duty Calls game.
George Watsky: First up for their food testing is Massive Failures! 
*Team Massive Failures stands in front of the judges’ panel, with a place for each judge.*
Mary Doodles: This sounds pleasant.
George Watsky: So, what have you prepared for us today?
Justin Bieber: Well, kind sir, we ha-
Michael Jordan: We’ve got nothing.
Justin Bieber: Actually, our lovely friend Miley Cyrus over here has prepared us some…tell them.
Miley Cyrus: To match up to my southern roots, I prepared some fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy. 
Kanye West: Hey! Fried chicken is a bla-
Walter White: Thank you very much, Miley Cyrus.
George Watsky: Alright judges, prepare to eat.  And for people who don’t know, *ahem* Zach *ahem*, eating is when you take food and-
Zach Sherwin: I know what eating is, you dumbass. 
George Watsky: Judges, you may now eat.
*The judges eat Team Massive Failure’s dish, and to most of the contestant’s surprise, they like it.*
George Watsky: So, what do you guys think?
Walter White: That dish was lovely, but I’m disappointed that the only people on that team who did anything are the pop singers. 
Zach Sherwin: I re-
George Watsky: No peasants are allowed to speak unless told to.
Zach Sherwin: But you…fine… 
Mary Doodles: Eh, it was alright.
Santa Claus: I’ve tasted better, and I’ve tasted worse.
George Watsky: Alright, your ratings?
Walter White: Seven outta ten.
Mary Doodles: I’d say a six out of ten.
Santa Claus: Five.
Zach Sherwin: I give it a-
George Watsky: That is a total of 18/30. Above average, but still not enough to guarantee a win for you guys.
Adam: Let’s hope that the other team does poorly.
George Watsky: Alright, now it’s time for team Epic Winners!
*Team Massive Failures exits the room as team Epic Winners enters, with Bob Ross carrying their dish.* 
George Watsky: Alright, team Epic Winners, what did you make?
Bob Ross: Well, we made Morceau de Merde, a dish that represents Joan of Arc’s background. I was originally going to add the chemical, but I was interrupted by Robo-Rogers, so this is what we’ve got.
Zach Sherwin: Uh, Ross, I don’t mean to be rude, but “Morceau de Merde” means “pile of-
George Watsky: Alright, judges, prepare to eat.
*As the judges begin to eat, Mary Doodles pukes, Santa begins to cry, Walter White spits it out and begins drinking water to rid himself of the taste, and Zach Sherwin doesn’t even touch it because of their reactions*
Bob Ross: What the…
Al Capone: I thought it tasted fine…
Walter White: Are you sure you didn’t put the chemical in?
Santa Claus: Ho…ho…oh… *Santa Claus pukes*
Bob Ross: I’m positive! It was sitting there next to the dish when Robo-Rogers came in!
Walter White: And where was it afterwards?
Bob Ross: It should’ve been by the dish… 
Walter White: It should’ve, but was it?
*Joan of Arc begins to whistle nervously*
Bob Ross: '*Facepalms* Joan…you put it in the dish, didn’t you?
Joan of Arc: I thought we put it in before we cooked it…
Bob Ross: *muffled by his face palm* Joan, don’t say anything else…just don’t…
Joan of Arc: Wh-
Bob Ross: I SAID DON’T!
Cleopatra: Oh, Bobby, don't be so hard on him. He had only the best of intentions for this team. I'm more than proud of him.
Bob Ross: No! The turtles are very disappointed in him.
Joan of Arc: Please don't tell me you think I'm a boy, too...
George Watsky: So, the scores…
Walter White: Does it even matter? These people sucked at cooking, and their parents would be ashamed. 
*The scene briefly switches to Batman in Gotham, showing him shed a single tear.*
Batman: Why…
*The scene cuts back to the competition.*
George Watsky: Well, Epic Winners, meet me at the ceremony.
Kanye West: I liked ceremonies; especially ones where I get trophies.
Darth Vader: Not that kind of ceremony, you dolt. 
*The scene cuts to the elimination ceremony, where team Epic Winners have gathered for a second time at their third loss.*
George Watsky: *stares at a pile of papers in his hands* …so, this is your…third time here in a row?
Al Capone: Sorta.
Darth Vader: Second. We didn’t come here when Goku got disqualified.
George Watsky: Oh.
Master Chief: The team feels a lot smarter than it did before.
Eve: You can say that again.
(Confessional) Eve: I just hope we don’t have to see him again. Like, at all. He was kind of a douche…
(Confessional) Kanye West: I kinda miss him. He made me feel more smarter.
George Watsky: Enough lamenting about the past, we gotta throw one of you fools in a barrel. So, according to what I’ve gathered from your title card cross outs-
Adolf Hitler: So that’s what those are?
Kanye West: Why don’t I have one like the others? Mine’s just a small ass photo of me looking like a moose or some shi-
*George Watsky throws an apple at Kanye West*
George Watsky: Shoo. 
So anywho, the people who are safe go as follows; Master Chief, Al Capone, Adolf Hitler, Darth Vader, Eve, Cleopatra, and Kanye West…somehow.
Kanye West: Whaddya mean, ‘somehow’?
George Watsky: So, that leaves us with Bob Ross and Joan of Arc. 
Bob Ross: Why us?
George Watsky: Because cooking hurts. Just ask Paula Dean.
Adolf Hitler: I know my cooking hu-
*Everyone glares at Hitler.*
George Watsky: Go to the Bush of Shame, Hitler.
Adolf Hitler: Okay…
*The scene cuts back to the ceremony a few seconds later, with Hitler sitting behind the Bush of Shame.*
George Watsky: And the loser going home is…
*Bob Ross and Joan of Arc stare at each other nervously.*
George Watsky: …Joan of Arc.
Joan of Arc: Dammit…
*Joan of Arc begins to walk to the path down to the docks, but not before Cleopatra catches up and grabs her hand* 
Cleopatra: Joan…I have one thing I want to do before you go… 
Joan of Arc: Get my gender right?
*Cleopatra kisses Joan of Arc on the cheek, confusing Joan of Arc*
Cleopatra: I’ll miss you, my prince.
(Confessional) Eve: *Eve bursts out in laughter* ‘Prince’? “I’ll miss you, my Prince”? *Eve holds back laughter* One second *slight laugh* I need to *slight laugh* breathe…
(Confessional) Joan of Arc: *Joan of Arc vomits*
*The scene cuts down to the dock, where Hulk Hogan pushes the barrel into the water slowly*
Zach Sherwin: Today was an awful day…for my stomach. One person is going home, and 18 are left to roam. For now. Who will stay? Who will win? Will Cleopatra ever learn Joan’s gender? It’s all happening here on Total…Drama…E-
*Zach Sherwin is tackled by EpicLLOYD*
EpicLLOYD: Sunnuva bitch!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script