Yours Truly

A Reflective Fic by Kittyluvver
Phi writes a secret letter to her deceased mother, and muses on how science connects to life, death... and love.
Dear Mother,
It’s been another year. And Moons, I miss you.
I still miss you so much.
Summer has ended here at the school, with the beginning of the fall semester no more than a few weeks away. Another school year starting, another batch of students coming. Oh Moons, I feel old some days. I’m only 14 - younger than the college freshmen - and yet I feel as old as time itself.
Which is, in itself, an impossibility. Time has existed for approximately 15 billion years. The number seems so small, and yet so large at the same time.
No one knows that I write these letters to you, Mother. Not Cobalt, not Lightbringer, not anyone. I am a physicist - I deal in facts. Theorems and hypotheses and laws, atoms, molecules, universes, stars. Not emotion, not fear. Not… this.
And yet sometimes, even I wonder…
In death, your atoms and the energy contained within your body are returned to the universe, where they are subsequently used in various other substances and forms. These same atoms and energy, which originated during the Big Bang, have always existed and will always be. Therefore, your “light,” the essence of your being, is still echoing throughout spacetime.
Are you still there?
Are you proud of me?
I don’t know. I don't know anything.
String theorists, we believe there are an infinite number of dimensions, an infinite number of universes, with different variations of people and situations all taking place simultaneously. So it stands to reason that in another universe, on another dimension, on another plane of existence, there is another me. Another Phirality. Somewhere, in another universe, I could walk. Somewhere, you would still be with me. Somewhere.
Oh Moons, I want that.
I want that so much.
Look at what I’ve written. I’m rambling, writing nonsense. How callous of me, to twist the foundational laws of the universe to suit my own selfish ends, to provide grounds for my wishful thinking. I should stop.
You’re dead.
And I need to accept that
no matter how much I wish it wasn’t so.
It’s a fundamental aspect of String Theory that the universe may not be real as we perceive it. The holographic principle states that what we experience every day, in three dimensions, may really just be information on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. So it is possible that our lives are just acting out a... painting, of sorts, on the largest canvas in the universe.
Everything has a beginning, and everything has an end. Even the universe itself was born 15 billion years ago in the Big Bang, in the singularity. And even the universe will die, more than 20 billion years after me. After all of us are gone.
So what does it all mean?
My legs… they hurt, Mother. It all hurts so much. When did talking, looking other dragons in the eye, all become so painful? I hate them sometimes. I really hate them, for having what I never could and never will have. For taking all their miracles for granted. You'd laugh to see the way they look at me, Mother. Like I'm insane. Like I'm a fish in the desert. 
In some ways, I suppose I am. 
Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep because, one of these mornings, I won’t wake up again. Sometimes I wake up, and I wish I hadn't because... Moons, I can't even put it into words.
Because there's nothing. Nothing in this world for a dragoness like me.
Happy endings never existed. No, no. Happy endings exist.
Just not for us.
And it is the bitterest silence, so know that one day, everything we, everything I have worked for, everything I know, will be gone. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to leave it behind.
But you have died. I will die. The universe will die. And everything will be gone.
And what does it all mean? Everything we go through - all our memories, all our trials and tribulations, all our pain and joy. Not just mine, not just ours, but all of dragonkind’s. How far we have come, how far we have yet to go - will all be destroyed one day, in a silent storm.
But maybe…
just maybe… somewhere far, far away... I’ll see you again. And we’ll both be whole and strong. And we’ll walk together on the distant shores, beneath the light of a gentle moon.
And until then, I will hold each day close, because each is precious as infinity.
Life. I look out the window, and I see us laughing, smiling, crying. I see the dusk and the dawn, the sun and the moons, the cold kiss of snowflakes on my face. I see the world in all its symmetry and light, all its depravity and darkness. And my heart is filled with nothing but joy, nothing but love.
Atoms becoming molecules, becoming cells, becoming life, becoming stars and galaxies and universes. Entire worlds reflected back in my eyes. They are glorious. Perfection in motion. Their beauty takes my breath away.
Mother, there was a time I thought I would never fall in love. I was wrong.
Because isn’t that what science is? The love of life? Of the world? The love of the universe itself’?
To me, that is the truest and purest love of all. And it is worth living for.
So good night, Mother. I’ll see you in the morning.
... yours truly,
Phi
Category:Fanfictions
Category:Fanfictions (Fanon)
Category:Content (Kittyluvver)
Category:Fanfictions (Completed)