RV (film)/Transcript

==Transcript==
"Once in every nighttime,
someone comes around. "
- "I'm coming to get you. "
- No.
"There's someone
that makes sleeping difficult. "
"Cassie. "
"I'm coming. "
Who's there?
- "The Tickle Monster. "
- No.
"That's right, Sylvester Stallone
is the Tickle Monster. "
"I'm gonna tickle you. "
"What?"
"I'm gonna tickle you. "
"What?"
"I'm gonna tickle you!"
Daddy, help.
I'm here, Cassie.
Unhand my daughter, Tickle Monster.
Oh, hand - To - Hand.
- Look, over there.
- Go, Daddy, go.
"Oh, dear. "
- Is she still up?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I just gave her a warm bath...
...and now she's more wide - Awake
than I am.
She won't be so sharp
for her big meeting tomorrow.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Night, Mommy.
Well, if I can get Carl to sleep
in the next 10 minutes...
- ... you might still have a shot tonight.
- Use a mallet if you have to.
- Daddy?
- Yeah, baby?
I'm never gonna get married.
Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.
Because I always want to live here
with you.
Well, you know, one day,
you're gonna grow up...
...meet a wonderful guy,
and you're gonna get married.
But you and I
will always be best friends.
Good night, Cassie.
Dad, could you be any more of a dork?
Cassie, you know where this girl lives
or you just think you know?
I know where,
i just know one way to get there.
- And you refuse to go that way.
- Because it's a stupid way.
- If you consider getting there stupid.
- Why don't you use the navigation?
Because Sacajawea back there
doesn't know the name of the street.
She knows it as "the one
next to the one with the fountain. "
Hey, Dad,
cassie just gave you the finger.
If we don't find this house
in two minutes -
- There it is.
- Okay, honey...
...hurry up, go get your friend.
- Jerk.
- I heard that.
Good.
- Where are they?
- She just left.
Okay.
Which friend is this, the nice one?
You used to know all her friends.
- You were funny and charming.
- Well, she's 15.
She doesn't want me to be charming.
She finds it creepy.
Oh, no.
It's the too - Nice one.
Hi, thanks for inviting me.
Any friend of Cassie's
is always welcome.
We're a little late.
Remember, congratulate Todd
on the Alpine soda merger...
...tell him the house looks great,
work in his outfit.
- Maybe he smells nice.
- Lick his face?
No, don't touch him.
Don't shake his hand.
- Oh, right, Mr. Stupid - Germ - Phobia.
- Yeah.
There they are, old Bob Bobcat.
- Teabag.
- Hi, Todd.
Hi. Hi.
Well, congratulations on Alpine soda.
- Bob said you'd do it.
- Yeah.
God, Jamie, if my ex - Wife
looked as good as you...
...i'd still be in the middle
of a horrible marriage.
Thank you, Todd.
What a lovely compliment.
Oh, there's Laird.
Laird.
- So that's the young hotshot?
- Yeah.
Harvard M. B. A.
We're planning to kill him.
Do you want in?
- Cassie.
- There he is.
Laird. You know what'd be great?
You going to get me shrimp.
I'm not joking.
Cass, go say hi to Todd.
- What for?
- He likes you. I'll give you 20 bucks.
Can I come?
I read all about him online.
Okay.
Hi, Mr. Mallory.
Good to see you again.
- Oh, Cassie Munro.
- Little Cassie?
Wow, you turned into quite
the young lady.
This is my friend, Gretchen.
- Hi, Gretch.
- Hi.
Aren't you the one who got
Pure Vibe sodas into the schools?
That was me. Cassie's dad helped,
he's head of Corporate Relations...
...but I am el presidente.
Wow, so you're, like,
personally responsible...
...for destroying the health
of millions of children.
- Gretchen.
- I probably wouldn't put it that way.
Obesity, diabetes, cholesterol.
The fat of our youth is on your hands.
Wallow in it.
Thank you, I had a very nice time.
Keep it real.
Don't.
Yo, homeslice,
can you chill on the def jam?
You're boiling my vibe.
Respect.
Cass, can we talk?
- God, what?
- Nothing. My bad.
Father evil. Forgot that.
How you doing, are you all right?
- No, not really.
- Why don't you get that skin peel?
Feels like that.
Cassie was so abrasive -
Oh, Bob just came in.
Let me call you back. My sister.
- Did you talk to Cassie?
- Yeah, I tried.
Still bleeding a little bit.
She didn't know Gretchen
was gonna do that.
She didn't know her friend was gonna
throw a vat of schmaltz on my boss.
Wine or martini?
- Both, with a Prozac back.
- Okay.
Remember when it used to be
"Daddy's home"? Now nothing.
We watch TV
in four separate rooms...
...and we IM each other
when dinner's ready.
Well, then let's change things.
Let's start while we're in Hawaii.
No laptop, no BlackBerry,
no business calls.
- Let's really go.
- No what?
You're not gonna see them
for the rest of the summer.
- Carl's got camp -
- Yeah.
Cassie's got college prep
in Palo Alto, I know.
That's right, and they leave
the day after we get back.
It'll be the same in Hawaii. They'll
only call us when they need money.
Well, I'm glad we're going.
And don't worry so much about work.
Todd loves you.
You're indispensable.
I'm afraid not.
I think Laird's gonna get my job.
He's younger, smarter, cheaper.
What did you say?
Nothing.
Here you go.
To true love.
- Hawaii's gonna be great.
- Yeah.
You gotta cancel Hawaii.
- Why?
- We hit a snag in the Alpine merger.
- Since yesterday?
- One brother got seller's remorse.
- Garry.
- Larry.
Garry's still for it.
Show him some money...
...he'll quack like a duck.
Larry's nervous.
If I tell my wife we're not going
to Hawaii, bury me ass - Up.
You have a place to park your bike.
- Bob.
- Todd.
Bob. Bob,
this crisis has actually saved your job.
- Really?
- After yesterday...
...i figured I gotta fire you
to maintain some respect around here.
But in light of this Alpine thing...
- ... i still need you.
- Bless you, Todd.
I gotta run out there
and make a presentation.
I can write the presentation in Hawaii
and zap it to you.
Laird can write me a presentation.
If I tell him to, he'll live in the office.
He'll shower
in the water cooler.
But you've got one thing
he hasn't got.
- A soul.
- No, you're good in a meeting.
You've got the chutzpah.
So I want you
to write that presentation...
...and I need you at the meeting
to put this thing over.
- Yeah.
- So no Hawaii.
- No.
- Boulder, Colorado, Friday.
Just move your Hawaii dates.
The kids are booked
the rest of the summer.
- You have to go to Boulder.
- Agreed.
I want you to know, after the divorce,
i'm coming after Jamie hard.
Bring jewelry.
Hey, if you get Jamie,
can I have Elaine?
- You want Elaine?
- Better than nothing.
Trust me, it's not better.
Elaine is still mad at me
for taking that vacation last year.
Figures that's why
I didn't get that promotion.
- Oh, the RV trip.
- RV trip?
Oh, the famous RV trip.
Oh, can we see the pictures again?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Nobody move.
Did you rent that RV?
Mom, some idiot just parked
this ugly RV outside our house.
What?
Oh, my God, it's your husband.
- Oh, hi.
- What is that?
- It's an RV.
- And why is it in front of our house?
- We're taking it on vacation.
- To Hawaii?
- No, it doesn't float. Colorado.
- What happened to Hawaii?
Come on, Hawaii's
a winter destination. It's summer.
The place I'm taking you is special,
and not like Uncle Mike.
It's Lake Nirvana,
where I went with my parents as a kid.
Is he being funny?
Because I can never tell.
Oh, come on.
You've always wanted to camp, right?
This is what he came up with
to punish me for Gretchen.
I was gonna surf.
Nice one, Dad. Thanks.
The hotel in Hawaii
has a weight room.
Doesn't anybody
respect my lifting schedule?
We're not campers. We don't camp.
- Why not?
- Why -? Why not?
- For one thing, we like to shower.
- Well, it's got a shower.
You and I will go out right now
and take a shower.
Bob, do you know where you stay
when you take an RV trip?
- Where?
- RV camps.
Honey, try to remember,
we're not friendly.
In Hawaii, we'll never see the kids.
This way,
we can spend time with them.
You need to spend time with them.
I spend nine hours a day with them.
And I want Hawaii.
All right, we'll go to Hawaii.
At Christmas. Then it will just be us
and a lot of Jewish people.
- We'll have all the ham to ourselves.
- I'll have to cook.
No, you won't, because I'll cook
every night, every meal.
We were gonna take naps.
Hotel room, afternoon...
- ... lock - The - Door naps.
- Oh, the good naps.
- How are we gonna do that in an RV?
- I'll drive slowly.
- I was gonna get a massage.
- I'll give you a massage.
You're gonna do all the cooking,
give me massages.
And spend time with the kids.
You got it.
Did you cancel our Hawaii trip
because Todd told you to?
Did you volunteer us
for some sort of experiment?
The family travels around and drinks
nothing but Pure Vibe soda...
...see if our teeth fall out?
Honey, I'm running out of time
with my kids.
Come on, baby. Why don't you
come out in the wilderness...
...with your big, brawny man?
Don't make me call
for my mail - Order bride.
Bob.
Here's something your genius
husband probably overlooked.
Four miles to the gallon?
Gee, why don't we just stay home
and set fire to an oil field.
There's an elegant touch.
Or we could just travel around
in clown suits.
I spent the night with my head
in the toilet. I'm sure it's contagious.
All right, no more details.
Just e - Mail me the new proposal.
- That's my couch. Move.
- Make me.
- This seat's better, anyway.
- Whatever.
Welcome aboard, everybody.
Before we embark...
...i think we should give
this beauty a name. Suggestions?
The Big Turd.
The Big Rolling Turd.
In that spirit, we set forth.
Make it so, Number One.
Honey, are you sure know how to -?
- Honey?
- Trust me, okay?
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
- Honey, honey.
- What?
- Oh, tree.
- Yeah, it's all right.
Honey?
Honey. Honey.
Oh, my God.
- We're okay.
- Honey.
Honey, tree! Tree!
Honey, honey.
- Honey.
- Okay.
Anything else you want to hit?
Do you want to go back?
We missed the neighbor's cat.
You are 31 hours
from your destination.
- What's that?
- RoadMate 700.
- I call her "Lola. "
- Make a right in 100 feet.
Thank you, Lola.
She's accurate to within 10 feet.
- Go straight.
- No, Lola says take a right.
- Well, mall traffic. Go straight.
- Fifty feet.
- Yeah, but she said take a right.
- Well, I'm telling you to go straight.
Twenty feet.
- Choose.
- Baby, please.
- Turn right.
- Choose.
- Dad!
- Turn right.
My bad.
- You are 30 hours and 59 minutes -
- Turn her off.
- From your destination.
Say, Dad, this is interesting.
"Unsecured items
in an unlatched cabinet...
...are a recipe for disaster. "
Didn't you read this?
No, I was too busy thinking
of all the ways we're gonna have fun.
Dad, somebody's stealing the RV.
No, Carl. Nobody's stealing it...
...it's rolling backwards
with no one in it.
Oh, yeah. Well, my bad.
Yeah, well, yeah.
- Thanks, Saul.
- Irv.
- Irv.
- Not "Saul. "
I don't know where I got Saul.
Well, thanks.
- Good news.
- I'm adopted?
Good one. No,
thanks to my technically proficient...
...and charmingly amusing description,
saul -
- Irv.
- Irv, yeah. Irv the dealer...
...said we damaged the parking - Gear
interlock and the emergency brake.
We had that little mishap, you know,
when Mom distracted me...
...we were pulling out of the driveway?
But the driving brakes,
the ones we use when we're moving...
...they're fine.
They're not just fine, they're brilliant.
All we have to do
is every time we park...
...we have to put two big blocks
under the rear wheel.
We'll be perfect. Thanks for the help.
Okay, everybody, come on.
It'll be fun, let's go.
Miles and smiles.
This is the worst
I've ever been treated.
- Wait till you get married.
- Thank you.
Everybody, let's get aboard
the Big Rolling Turd.
That was easy.
Now what do we do?
Hey, I know, let's go to the beach
and go surfing.
Wait a minute, I forgot.
We're not in Hawaii.
We're where NASA faked
the moon landing.
Wait a minute.
Wait till you see this.
It's called a "pop - Out. "
Hold on.
Wow, where are you?
- How cool is that?
- Macarena cool.
Hey.
You guys want to see a movie?
But where?
Forgive my ignorance,
but don't you need to hook up...
...the Big Rolling Turd
to the electricity for that?
Yes, I do.
I gotta take a crap.
Time to break in the pooper.
You are so disgusting.
Dad! The toilet's backed up!
Carl, what did you eat?
Dad, it's not mine.
There's the problem,
sewage tank is overflowing.
And it's not even our sewage,
it's leftover.
It's not a national emergency.
We'll go to where
you dump the sewage...
...and we'll dump the dump.
Come on, let's all go.
As appealing as that sounds,
I think I'm gonna pass. But thank you.
And don't forget,
you're making dinner.
Sure, I'd love to clean
somebody else's crap out of the RV...
...instead of being in Hawaii.
Can I come?
Not only can you come,
you can dump the sewage.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's gonna be a regular
Field of Dreams moment, buddy.
Piece of cake.
- Gonna be a while, mister?
- Oh, well, that depends.
If I can get this hose attached
to this outlet...
...i'll be right out of here.
- What's the dealie?
- Guy needs to attach a hose.
Doing it.
- What's up?
- Trying to attach a hose.
- Fella here's trying to hook up a hose.
- Maybe get on the loudspeaker.
That there's the wrong hose.
It's that there one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's got the coupling.
- Right.
That one right there.
- There you go.
- Okay.
You need another hose.
Yeah, I guess, but...
It's long enough, but:
Gotta get one of them
bayonet couplings.
- He hasn't got one.
- He's got a Y - Coupling right there.
Yeah, that'll do the trick.
Y - Coupling?
A Y - Coupling.
That's the Y. Oh, I see.
- One potato.
- Alrighty.
Two potato.
- Okay, wait, oh.
- There we go.
Listen,
i'm no expert in waste management...
...but won't the fecal matter
come out the top hole there?
No, you just gotta hold it
up in the air like this:
There you go. Little bit higher.
There you go.
- Oh, like that there.
- There you go.
You sure this is gonna work?
Heck, yeah, man.
It's basic hydraulics.
Okay, Archimedes.
Hey, Joe Joe.
- Okay.
- Let her rip.
Turn it off!
- That sure didn't work.
- No.
- We need a hose spreader.
- Who's got one?
Gornicke, I think. I'll get it.
- I'll get some music.
- Oh, no, please.
And some of those tortilla chips.
- We got some leftover sausages.
- Bring them.
No, you folks don't need to have
a parade. I don't want to impose.
Oh, no, no.
We are gonna get this
fixed up for you, buddy.
Sausages.
- Right here, you want one?
- Yeah.
There we go. That'll work.
You sure this will hold?
Hey, man, why would they sell you
a hose spreader...
...if you couldn't spread the hose?
It's getting old. Come on.
Open it up, Joe Joe.
It's blocked. I'll flush the line.
- Hey, Dad.
- Son.
Maybe now is the time
to confess to you that...
...your dad's not the master
of all things.
I got that when you started
taking advice from morons.
Yeah. All we need is a banjo.
Oh, man. He didn't even open it up
all the way.
- See? No worries.
- Yup.
- Hello.
- Bob.
Hey, Todd.
Yeah, I'm still pretty sick.
- Where's my presentation?
- Presentation?
It's the best work I've done,
not to toot my own horn...
- Yeah, you'll have it Thursday morning.
- Thursday?
No, that's not soon enough.
Tomorrow will be great.
Oh, I gotta go.
Oh, dude, that is nasty.
Don't worry, I'll get another hose.
Fire in the hole!
Here's where you made your
critical mistake.
You listened to anything
Howie and Joe Joe said.
Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers
short of a tool chest.
They're not the ones covered
in fecal matter.
That's a good point.
Travis Gornicke.
Bob Munro.
Yeah, let's postpone
that handshake...
- ... till we get you cleaned up.
- Yeah.
You're clean enough to use
your own shower, Bob.
The vehicle's all cleaned up, Daddy.
- Oh, nice work, son.
- Thank you, boys.
- You're welcome.
- No problem, Mr. Munro.
- Look, can I offer you a -
- No, Bob, wouldn't think of it.
- We're neighbors.
- Mom wants to know -
What happened to you?
He was covered in turd.
Oh, I know the feeling.
Mom wants to know when
you're cooking dinner.
You tell your mother when I'm good
and ready, that's when.
- I'll tell her.
- Tell her I'm good and ready.
Well, thanks.
Hey,
pleasure hosing you down, Bob.
- Ditto.
- Why can't they have dinner with us?
You know, aside from the stink,
i don't see why not.
Why don't you come on over?
Tuesday's meatloaf.
Then afterwards, we can sit around
and watch Ernest Goes to Jail.
- It is funny.
- Well, it's a classic.
- Yeah, we'll make a whole night of it.
- I wish I could.
I promised my family
I'd make my special dish...
- ... shish kebob.
- Oh, that's good.
- Well, another time, then.
- Yeah, try to keep me away.
Okay.
Carl!
- Honey, how's it going?
- Great, baby.
Okay, well, how long?
Because we're starving.
Four hours.
Maybe longer if you keep asking.
- What?
- It's a small oven...
...and I'm having to do the potatoes
with a hair dryer set on "high. "
Hey, who wants to go to a party?
- Here we are. Hope we're not late.
- No!
- Well, Bob said we were invited.
- Yeah.
- Of course you were.
- Then here we are.
- We're hungry.
- All right!
- Mary Jo, our company's here.
- What company?
The ones that are close enough
to hear you yelling, darling.
- Well, hi.
- Hi.
Honey, help me.
- I've got you here, darling.
- Here you go.
Let's see. Earl and Billy you met.
- Hi, I'm Earl.
- And I'm not.
My wife, Mary Jo,
and my daughter, Moon.
Hey, y'all.
Well, Moon, that's kind of a hippie
name, like Moon' Rainbow' Bong.
She was named after Warren Moon.
He was quarterback of the
Houston Oilers.
Well, this is my wife, Jamie.
Cassie, my daughter.
My son, Carl.
Named after Karl Marx...
...socialist, some would say
the father of modern communism.
As I'm throwing up with the blood
pouring out of my eyes, you know...
...i looked up and I said,
"who is that lovely...?"
Next day, we were married
in Jurez.
Nine months later... out popped Earl.
So you got a boyfriend?
- Yeah, actually, I'm engaged.
- Unlikely.
So where are you guys from?
Where do you hang your hat,
as it were.
- Behind the wheel of that bus.
- Really?
- Full - Timer, U. S. A.
- Really?
Well, how do Moon, Earl and not Earl
go to school?
Home school.
I hope you don't find
this next question too personal...
- ... but how do you...?
- Make a living? Various ways.
Let's see. We made $25,000 when
we turned in Mary Jo's stepdad.
In prison
he's getting help he needs.
Oh, and I almost forgot,
mary Jo makes a living.
I mean, she earns $60,000 a year
without ever leaving that bus.
Really? Hooking?
- Funny.
- I'm a mobile sales rep for Happy Max.
Y'all seen the infomercials
for our musical car horns?
- No, I don't think we have.
- No.
Billy White Shoes,
blow that horn.
- Watch this.
- Wait for it.
I love it every time.
Wow, that's fantastic. That was...
Jamie, are you
a stay - At - Home mom?
- Yes.
- When there's not a sale.
Let me hook you up with Happy Max.
I got a rep bag in the bus.
Plus, I represent
Lovely Lily Beauty Products.
- Mary Jo's a trained cosmetologist.
- If you're still here tomorrow...
...i'm going to give you a complete,
free total makeover.
A $39 package absolutely free.
- Oh, that would be good, honey.
- No.
You know what, I'm gonna work on you
the whole day tomorrow.
- There you go, little lady.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I don't eat meat.
I heard you talking.
That's why I brought you this here.
- There ain't no meat in it.
- Oh, no meat?
You here that? No meat.
Thank you. That's lovely.
That's right. It's all organs.
Deer organs. They're fresh too.
I run him over this morning.
The rest of it's curing in the bedroom.
But the stomach, brains and pancreas,
we just toss that into the stew...
...because in this heat,
it doesn't keep.
- Bathroom.
- Little lady...
- There's my girl.
- Dad, can we please go?
Yes. You know,
thank you so much for the invitation.
This has been great. A lot of fun.
Dad, listen.
This is kind of our family theme song.
Kids, come on. Get up there, go, go.
Hurry up, get the - You know.
Oh, they're gonna love this.
Little Mommy's got a whole
song - And - Dance thing worked out.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Come on, Moon, come on.
- Here I go. Thank you, darling.
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Line up the way we practiced.
I never grow tired of that song.
Last time I heard it I was buck - Naked...
- ... in a field with a road flare.
- Dad.
Yes. Big travel day tomorrow.
- Where y'all headed?
- Away.
Mount Watson in Colorado.
- Just fantastic to have met you both.
- Same here.
- Hope we see you again.
- How about breakfast tomorrow?
- Bagels and deer testicles?
- Oh, yeah, she's funny, just like you.
We'd have breakfast,
but we're early risers.
- Well, us too. Six a. M. Work for you?
- We'll be long gone by then.
Yeah, trust us.
Bob? Bob?
- Let's go, let's go. Bob?
- Yeah, baby.
- Oh, friendly folks.
- Yeah, they're nice people.
- Hi, Mr. Munro.
- Hi, Billy. I'm just -
- You sure got a nice one.
- What?
That's a nice laptop.
Oh, thanks. What are you doing up?
I have a sleep disorder.
I haven't slept since I was 5.
So you just wander around
the campground.
Yeah, I don't really mind.
It's the only time I have alone.
Well, see you.
Oh, okay.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Munro.
- Come on. Come on, let's go.
- It's 5:30.
The Gornickes.
Bob, a little help.
Little help? Cassie?
There's movement.
She - She's moving.
Carl, let's get going.
Let's move it, let's move it.
Bob, gun it.
Carl. Cass, what's our status?
She's out the door. She's coming.
Mayday, mayday, she's coming!
Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Go, go, go!
- Come on!
- It's in gear, but it's not moving.
- The wheel!
- This stupid pop - Out thing.
Hurry, Mom, she's coming!
Come on, come on, come on.
Will you move this son of a bi -
Hey!
They are early risers.
I'm going a whole 12 miles an hour.
Then pass him.
Kids, leave him alone.
He's not that good a driver.
Really.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Come on.
- Bob.
Bob. Bob. Bob.
Bob.
All right.
- Okay. All right.
- Thanks.
- Hey, guess what.
- What?
We need gas.
And I really have to go
to the bathroom.
You know we have one of those.
Yeah, but after my last little
shower of sadness...
Okay, okay, do what you have to do.
I've got an ICBM coming.
If there's a poop fairy,
i can make a lot of money.
I could be a while, baby.
It's an 80- Gallon tank.
Dad, you in here?
Carl, I just need a minute.
Sure, only the RV's rolling away.
Be right out.
- Hey, Bob.
- Travis.
Yeah, I think you've got
a little problem with your vehicle.
I'm no expert...
...but it's your parking - Gear
interlock and your emergency brake.
- How did you...?
- It's a miracle.
We pulled in
the second it started rolling away.
Isn't that something?
Wanna hear about the time...
- ... jesus saved us from a tornado?
- It's great.
I'd love to,
but I was in the little boys' room...
...taking care of business
when Carl interrupted...
...but Jamie would love to hear it.
Well, it seems just like yesterday.
Thank you.
I don't wanna get too big,
you know.
- I mean, I don't want to look freakish.
- No.
- What is this?
- It's a list of places...
...between here and Colorado
that sell organic health food.
- I got it last night off the internet.
- Oh, that was really thoughtful.
- What are you listening to?
- Nothing.
So Billy was blown
right out of that tree.
Right before he hit the ground,
from out of nowhere...
...comes this queen - Size
Simmons mattress...
...slides right under him
and cushions his fall.
Saved his life.
Plus, we needed the mattress.
I have a bad back.
So you folks wanna join us
for breakfast?
- We -
- Ate.
Mr. Munro,
i was just telling Earl and Moon...
...about that neat laptop
you were using.
- When were you using a laptop?
- At work, all the time.
- I was just telling him -
- When did he see you?
You know,
we'd love to join you for breakfast.
- Somebody's ripe.
- Welcome to my world.
You guys go on in, get that table.
We'll be right there.
All right. Come on, kids.
- We're ditching them?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Kids, move.
So because you told them
we were early risers...
...we had to get up at 5:30...
- ... to avoid the Gornickes...
- Right.
...which we managed not to do
anyway...
...because you refused to use the
bathroom on the RV that you rented.
You're determined
to have a bad time, aren't you?
We all are, Dad.
Not me. I embrace every challenge.
Honey, maybe they just got
some bad news and had to leave.
You're a sweet woman, Mary Jo.
It's what I love about you.
But them folks ditched us.
Oh, Trav, honey, pull over.
Let's pull over.
He looks like a folk singer.
- Climb aboard.
- Hello there.
- How you doing, buddy?
- Sir.
Welcome to the Gornicke bus.
You a folk singer?
Cass,
can you turn on the oven for me?
I am so bored.
I could actually throw up
from how bored I am.
I brought games.
Sorry!, Monopoly, Twister.
- Come on, it'll be fun.
- Fun.
Did you turn on the oven?
- No.
- I'll do it.
- Raccoon in the oven!
- Oh, please. No.
Don't open it.
Did you take out the roast
from last night?
- I guess not.
- What's the plan?
Give him Carl. Maybe he'll eat him.
Give him you.
He's on the South Bitch Diet.
- Good one.
- Okay, hey.
Hey, come on. Don't you see
what the raccoon's doing?
He's playing head games.
He wants to divide and conquer us.
We have to hang together,
stay strong.
- Just get rid of it.
- Just me?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Come on, Blue.
There's coons in there.
- Come on, boy.
- Bob.
- Go get him, boy.
- Bob.
Just kidding.
I'm going in.
Is anyone gonna stop me?
"Dad, don't.
The raccoon might have rabies"?
Nothing? Not a word?
Not really.
- Daddy?
- Yeah, baby.
Don't hurt him.
I am entering the RV.
Still no sign.
I'm going towards the oven door.
I'm opening the ov -
Oh, my God!
There's more than one!
You guys, he's just joking around.
Get back.
Back. Back! Back!
You hideous -
We need a new plan.
All right, let's go.
You're off the Gornicke bus.
I didn't steal it. I found it.
Well, now you lost it.
That's why they didn't
come to breakfast.
He lost his computer, he needs it.
They went off frantic to find it.
I was quick to think the worst.
I'm filled with chagrin.
Oh, honey.
- What is that?
- It's a stink bomb.
Got it from the guy in the office.
Cost me $175.
I can get this for five bucks online,
i know it.
You're gonna set that off in the RV?
He assured me it's not toxic.
Just noxious, like Grandpa Ted.
Don't litter.
Suck on this, Rocky.
Yeah!
Run, critters.
Yeah, there's more where
that came from, you little bandits.
Yeah!
I'm not so ill - Equipped to handle an
emergency as some people may think.
- No one said you were ill - Equipped.
- You know it, baby.
How long does this last?
Up to six hours.
It's a beautiful evening.
Let's sit outside and enjoy nature.
Why don't we huddle
under the awning?
Oh, we can't.
Dad tore it off back in Nevada.
Well, why don't we just
get underneath the umbrella?
Oh, that's right.
Dad fed it to the raccoons.
- Please, try the office again.
- No, he's an idiot.
He won't let us in.
He charged me $70 for these bags.
What about that bar
we passed on the way up here?
- Yeah, Dad, pizza.
- And a roof.
No, it's dark out there. Besides,
those raccoons could be waiting.
Hey! I can see it.
It's just down there.
Come on, I'm starving.
- Bob?
- It's a bad idea.
It's just down the -
Carl!
Carl, we're coming!
Bob!
Mom!
Jamie!
Bob!
Table for four. No smoking.
Wipe your feet.
See? That's why you should study.
So you can get good grades
and go to a big party school.
Hey, Dad, how come you never
got a pool table for the house?
Because of the generalissimo
over there.
We had one before you were born,
in the dining room...
...but then you get a job,
invite people for dinner...
- ... you have a family...
- Life used to be fun.
It was fun. But then something
happened that was a lot more fun.
We got the George Foreman
smokeless grill.
Okay.
It's fine. Let's just go to sleep.
Dad.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, great, you're up.
Will you make the coffee?
- Love to.
- Thank you.
Do you want me to drive?
- You okay, Dad?
- Oh, yeah.
Dad, emergency!
Gornickes.
I'll get their computer.
I feel like that hitchhiker
in The Twilight Zone.
What do they like about us?
We're not even that appealing.
I'm not gonna spend my life...
...going door to door,
selling musical car horns.
- The Gornickes. I'll flag them down.
- Cassie!
She got him.
Munros!
Bob! Jamie!
It's the Gornickes.
- Pretend to talk to me.
- Oh, yeah.
Pull over! We've got your stuff!
Munros. It's the Gornickes.
Pull over. We have your computer.
And a Happy Max bag.
Pull over.
Kids, grab your paint guns.
Pull ahead.
We'll put one across their bow.
You know, seeing you drive this thing
is really turning me on.
What?
They've got guns!
We've also got -
You can come up now.
Where did you learn
to drive like that?
How do you think
I get the kids to school on time?
What a shame. If we had their address,
we could just ship it to them.
Well, we do know
where they're headed.
Mount Watson, Colorado.
You know,
if you wore clothes that fit...
- ... you wouldn't look like a 10- Year - Old.
- It's how I roll.
Oh, sweet.
You say something, Frodo?
I was just saying
how that guy Shaq'd you there.
- We got two - On - Two, right?
- Why don't you find...
...an under - 2- Foot league.
Why don't you trade that thing in
on top of your neck for a face.
I'm gonna floss your rear.
- Let's go, bring it. Come on.
- Yo, my mobile homeboys.
- What's tripping in the wood?
- This termite belong to you?
- Don't call -
- Yo, my man - Easy.
This my man, C.
He's small, but ferocious.
But you dogs, you're hardcore.
Where you from?
- Scottsdale.
- Scottsdale, in the 'Zona.
That's a hardcore 'hood.
But you want to take on
my man C, here...
...go ahead, because, you know...
...he's fierce,
he gonna come up in your face...
...he'll damage you.
You gonna walk away, maybe limp.
But I say talk to the hand, call waiting,
because he's out. Boy is out.
I can't restrains him. Because
I'm conversating you right now...
...to give him a chance to cool down,
to get back to a realistic level...
...as we were. Because we could be
chilling in our crib.
Not just on this mobile home thing,
representing Malibu...
...and Westwood, you know.
Malling it, like we all can.
Boys to mensch.
Pimp my Mercedes, call me back...
...put you on hold.
You know what I'm saying?
We gotta go.
You better, man. Don't make me
call my lawyer, because I'll audit.
Aren't you glad Dad came?
They were about to kick your butt.
Carl.
That's not helpful. Carl.
Carl.
It occurs to me that you and I
haven't had too many...
...7th Heaven kind of dialogues
in the last year.
- You're busy a lot.
- Yeah, but not too busy to notice...
...that you are sensitive
about your size.
I'll bet you $1000 right now
you'll grow up bigger than me.
I've seen pictures of you when you
were my age. You were huge.
- You were shaving already.
- Yeah, well, that's my point.
See, I achieved maturity very early.
I stopped growing
after the eighth grade.
But you have the other body type.
You're like my friend John Vigoshi.
When he was 16,
he had a 9- Inch summer.
How do you mean that?
He grew very tall, very quickly,
and so will you.
And you're being proactive.
You're lifting weights.
And when you grow up big,
you know what we'll do?
What?
We'll enter father - Son
extreme - Fighting competitions.
- All right.
- You'll have to push the wheelchair.
But we'll get them high,
and we'll get them low.
Coming at you a little heat right now.
Give me a little heat there.
A little heat. A little pepper there.
Hike! All right.
What's up?
Kids, dinner's gonna be a little late
because -
Sorry. False alarm.
- The buzzing is not me.
- Bob.
- Hello.
- Before you hang up on me again...
...we need to talk.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.
Signal. No, no. Yeah.
Hold on one second. The signal.
Just a - Can you hear me now?
- Hey, Todd. Did you get the proposal?
- Not bad.
My Laird didn't like it very much.
- Who cares what Laird thinks.
- I do. He's young, Bob.
We'll talk about it tonight
on the plane.
- No.
- No?
I flew in last night. It's a mile high here
and I want to get acclimated.
You don't wanna have a nose bleed
in a presentation.
Could be a little embarrassing.
So I'll see you there. Here.
Mom, he's suffering.
Honey, can I help?
No, honey.
No, don't come down here.
Boy, I'm just gonna try
and clean up a little -
Don't use bark.
These are great.
Yeah, there it is. That does the trick.
Ferns. Nature's broom.
Honey, no. You can't go on like this.
It's 10 miles.
No,
i don't wanna spoil it for you guys.
- You won't. We'll go tomorrow.
- No.
Tomorrow we go to the lake.
Listen, I'll stay here. You go on.
- I don't know -
- Go. It's a beautiful hike.
Guys?
Come on, kids.
Yeah? Okay.
Good.
I'll try and make it back to the RV.
I'm okay. Got my ferns.
Okay. I'm okay.
Go on. Go on, you guys.
Save yourself. Okay.
Welcome to the RoadMate 700.
Hi, Lola. My wife's not here.
- The hell are you driving?
- Cadillac of RVs, Todd.
You know, we should go over - Laird.
Yeah, I decided
to go with Laird's presentation.
- But hang around, tell a few jokes.
- You got it.
Hi there.
- Larry Moiphine.
- Garry Moiphine.
- Cute dog.
- Oh, yeah. She's a sweetie.
Oh, yeah, who's a good girl?
- Todd?
- No.
- Bob.
- Hi, Bob.
- Laird.
- Hi, Laird.
Larry. Laird.
So, fellas, we'll have a little nosh
and we'll hear your presentation.
- Tammy's not here yet. Our assistant.
- So we'll eat slow.
- Come on.
- Gentlemen.
Oh, hi. Hi. Sorry I'm late.
You guys have all just got to see
the circus before it leaves.
- It's good, huh?
- It was amazing.
Wow, so...
Oh, of course. I believe you folks
have a presentation for us.
- Yes. Laird.
- Good luck.
In 1985, Pure Vibe soda completed
a friendly takeover...
...of Mr. Twinkle Iced Tea.
Today, Mr. Twinkle is worth...
...an estimated $91 million.
And that was with a profit definition
not as favorable...
...as the one Pure Vibe is offering...
...alpine Soda.
If you turn to chart number one -
Sorry, is this just gonna be
about money?
No, it's - Stocks.
Other than money,
why should we change from a local...
...family - Oriented business to become
subsidiary to a national brand?
Yeah. Other than money?
- Right.
- Yeah.
Garry, Larry.
Fifty years ago, if you walked down
any street in America...
...on a warm Monday night -
Thanks, Laird.
- You'd hear I Love Lucy coming out
of every house, on every block.
I'm not speaking about conformity,
i'm talking about "Isn't it great?"
And every once in a while...
...america falls in love with something
together.
That could happen here.
You have a terrific product.
Money aside, how'd
Walter Frederick Morrison feel...
...every time he walked by a park
and he'd see people...
...throwing a Frisbee and the dog
doing all the work?
If Pure Vibe takes Alpine national,
i think we have a chance...
...to let America fall in love
with something again.
What's your hurry? Why don't
you stay and bask in my gratitude?
I gotta get the RV back right now,
todd...
...or I have to pay for a full day.
- Well, just picture me hugging you.
- Thanks.
Officer? Excuse me.
What's going on?
Landslide.
We're diverting through I - 70.
I - 70? It'll take hours. Isn't there
another way around Mount Watson?
Diablo Pass. But you're not
gonna make it in that rig.
Dad was right.
This is really amazing.
Yeah. Poor Dad.
Should we cut this short
and go back?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You are not on any marked road.
I know that, Lola.
Make a U - Turn
at the next legal opportunity.
I can't.
Squeeze them cheeks
Tighten them buns
Come on now
We having fun
Big old rolling turd coming through
Coming through
- You are not on any marked road.
- Shut up!
Come on, Turd. Keep rolling.
Come on. Come on.
You can do it.
Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Make a U - Turn
at the next legal opportunity.
Dad's gonna be surprised
we got back so soon.
Yeah.
Who was that maniac?
Oh, God.
Bob?
- Jamie.
- Why are you laying on the ground?
Honey,
there's something I need to tell you.
I need...
Needed a...
Needed a little fresh air.
After my incident.
And how are you now?
Good.
Really good. Good.
Oh, yeah.
- Hello?
- Bob? Bob - Orino? Bobcat?
- Yeah?
- Teeny tiny wrinkle - Dinkle.
Larry wants you
to come back tomorrow...
...and pitch the whole company,
all the employees.
Majority want the merger,
it's a done deal.
- What?
- We don't need him.
I can do this. Give me another chance.
Let me kick this through the uprights!
- I'll do it. I'm there.
- Great. You're spitting on me.
Big old rolling turd coming through
Coming through
Oh, we're on that road
On a big, steaming load
Big old rolling turd coming through
Coming through
Big old rolling turd
Big old rolling turd coming through
Hey, Dad. Maybe we can go
to Yellowstone on the way home.
- I'd love to go to Yellowstone.
- Yeah, Dad. Can we?
Absolutely.
Come on. I wanna show you
something wonderful.
It's hard to forget this place.
My dad was so moved by it
he said:
"You know, a snack stand up here
would do tremendous. "
My mom, always supportive:
"And who's gonna run it, Allan, you?"
My dad: "Why don't you blow it out
your big, saggy rear end, Ellen. "
Can't buy memories like that.
Or like this.
Hey. You know, I should take the RV
to get the emergency brake fixed...
- ... before we head to L. A.
- Yeah. Good idea.
And you guys don't want
to hang around some dingy garage.
You wait here by the lake,
enjoy the view.
I'll drive to Boulder, be back
in an hour. We'll have a big picnic.
- How about that?
- Okay. Sounds good.
Guys? Tell your dad
what you wanted to tell him.
- Thank you for taking us on this trip.
- Kinko that.
- Better than Hawaii?
- Yeah, better than Hawaii.
Come give big daddy a hug.
Come on.
- Wait.
- Carl, you'll be too big soon.
- Dad.
- Cassie'll be in college.
- Dad!
- What?
The RV's rolling away.
No!
Oh, God, no.
- Oh, no!
- Dad, let it go!
Bob. Bob!
- Bob!
- Mom, what are you doing?
Bob, no!
Go.
Are you crazy? It's a rental.
- How am I gonna get to the meeting?
- What meeting?
The Alpine merger.
Sweetheart, you'll never guess
what happened yesterday.
- You weren't really sick.
- Not really.
This is about work.
You brought us out here because
it was close to a meeting?
- You're getting warmer.
- The Alpine soda merger.
- Bingo.
- So you lied to me...
- ... from the very beginning.
- Since we were first married?
No, since when you
first brought home the RV.
- That time, yeah.
- This has nothing to do...
...with you wanting to be
with your family.
- So you just used us?
- You wouldn't understand, missy.
Oh, I don't know, she's pretty smart.
Why don't you explain it to her.
And Carl too.
Kids...
...life is hard.
Not "The TiVo in my room
is not working" hard.
But "making a living because you're
responsible for people you love" hard.
You know what it's like to be 50,
people are digging a hole...
- ... to bury your career -
- Bob.
All right, that's a little rough.
Cassie,
where do you want to go to college?
Stanford.
Carl, where's that camp you're going?
- Alaska.
- Alaska.
And you, how much do you think
that little fixer - Upper of ours cost?
Who has to ride a $4000 bicycle?
I have to ride a custom bike
because my hips aren't aligned.
Are you happy? Now the kids know
that their old man's a freak.
Listen, I have to get to that meeting,
or I lose my job and we lose a lifestyle.
Let's pull it up two - By - Two,
look for help.
- Carl. Come with me.
- I'm good.
Cassie?
I'm gonna lose my job. I hope the kids
like selling fruit on the freeway.
You know what's scary
is that this is rush hour.
Mom, there's never going to be
any other cars on this road.
Oh, my God.
- Where's your husband?
- Don't ask.
Could you possibly
take us to an airport?
What's all this?
Oh, I gotta study
for my stupid placement test.
Oh, like some sort of
vocational training?
College.
- How old are you?
- Fifteen and a half. I jumped a grade.
Moon, though,
she skipped two grades.
So...
...you guys are smart.
Gonna be unemployed.
I'm gonna have to sell my liver
for cash.
And then he just
rode out of the lake.
Yup. This one really snuck up
and bit me right on the seat - Meat.
I thought Bob was good people.
- Does anybody have a vomit bag?
- Are you sick?
Big time.
Cassie and Earl are making out.
What?
Don't worry.
I got them in the mirror.
Boy don't know
what the hell he's doing.
- Like father, like son.
- Hey.
Listen, I have to admit something.
Bob wasn't the only one
trying to avoid you. I was too.
I don't mean to shock you, but we
ain't everybody's cup of sunshine.
Well, it was you,
but it was mostly us.
You didn't exactly catch
the Munros at their best.
Yeah, see, I had a feeling
you was having troubles.
Yeah, here's the thing.
You start off happy and stupid.
Then you become associates
in the marriage business:
"Did the plumber come?"
"Take Carl to soccer. "
"I'll pick up your dad
from the doctor's office. "
Until you don't remember what
brought you together in the first place.
You know what I mean?
No, I don't. I - No.
No.
Okay.
Anyway, in the last few days,
i caught a glimpse of the old us.
And I was happy.
I better get directions...
...so I can take you folks
where you need to be.
Oh, really?
Jamie!
Cassie! Carl!
Come on, let's hit the road, Jamie.
Okay.
Oh, God.
- Ladies first.
- Oh, boy, that's working it.
Stop!
Oh, Munro!
The hike was so intense...
...there was a few parts where
I had to carry my mom and sister.
I think I might have pulled a muscle.
- Where?
- In the woods.
Travis!
Jamie.
Bob?
Are you an idiot? Do you want
your children to see their father...
...bouncing down the highway?
Why are you with
the Partridge Family?
- What are you doing on the bus?
- Because I was chasing you.
You win. I blew off my job because
I can't live without you. You happy?
I never asked you to blow off your job.
I wanted you to be honest with me.
Honest. Like, "Todd's gonna fire me
if I go to Boulder" honest?
- "Screw Hawaii" honest?
- Oh, I see.
You think that if you told me
you were in trouble...
...and your job was in jeopardy,
that I'd give you a hard time about it?
No crying, that's cheating.
Do you think I'm some horrible witch
that doesn't care? I do care!
I care a lot.
In fact, I hate you. Jerk.
I didn't want you to know
I was in trouble.
You and Cassie and Carl,
you mean everything to me.
What you think about me is the
most important thing in the world.
I didn't want to fail.
If you don't know how I feel about you
after 19 years of marriage...
...then I must be a failure as a wife.
Then you admit you're the problem.
Bob.
You mean more to me
than just a paycheck.
That's good, because we won't be
getting one for a while.
I missed that meeting.
No, you didn't.
Come on, Bob. Come here.
It's a Christmas miracle.
No, it just sounded like this was
where your wife needed to be.
So I brought her.
Travis has never been one
to mind his own business.
Travis...
...some of my behavior on this trip
might be misconstrued as an insult.
Did come off a tad abrasive.
I was wrong, and it takes
a small man to admit it.
And you're a big man.
- I don't just mean -
- I understand a metaphor, Bob.
See, I went to Stanford.
You big lug, I love you!
Who loves his big lug?
- I love you, you big -
- I know, I -
- Todd.
- Little dramatic, don't you think, Bob?
Showing up at
the last possible minute.
You look horrible. Let's go.
Dad.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
I guess you're under a lot of pressure
and I could have been less trouble.
And in your own nerdy way
you're kind of cool.
- Bob?
- Yeah?
I'm hating this.
- Dad.
- Yeah?
- I get it.
- What?
Sometimes if you wanna succeed,
you have to do what they tell you.
- You -
- Bob!
This is the big one, Bobcat.
- Bases loaded.
- Got it.
You hit a grand slam on this,
it's big raise, promotion, bonus...
...and I personally push Laird
down a flight of stairs.
Everybody, this is Bob.
Remember, charming and funny.
Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late...
...I just came down that mountain,
and next time I'll use a road.
I guess you guys didn't get the memo
about extreme casual.
I love your wilderness so much,
i decided to wear it.
Easy, Todd.
It's been kind of a wild journey
getting here.
If you ever wanna really find out
about yourself...
...put your family in an RV and drive.
I've seen some amazing stuff.
I've fought wild raccoons and won.
I've been in the desert to a place...
...where it's not the end of the world,
but you can see it from there.
And I met this weird family.
I mean, boy, they were strange.
You know, whenever a big white man
picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
In the dictionary, under "hootenanny,"
it says, "See: them. "
But you know
what's strange about them.
They're just honest, good people, and
it's an honor to have them as friends.
Garry, Larry...
...this is a nice company
you have here. It's your baby.
I bet at the birth of your baby
you were kind of scared, right?
Excited, but scared. You didn't
know how it was gonna turn out.
And next thing you know,
it's up and walking...
...and you're trying to raise it. You
didn't know what you were doing...
...but you pretended like you did.
And next thing you know,
your baby's grown.
It's bigger, older. More complicated.
Difficult to deal with.
But here's the deal...
...you care about it just as much,
because you nurtured it...
...and part of you is in it,
and you're proud of it.
You love it more than ever.
And right now,
you have to make a decision...
...of whether you wanna merge
your family with the Pure Vibe family.
Your stocks are gonna split.
You're gonna have money...
...you won't know what to do with.
And your company's gonna grow.
You'll be bigger than a woman
in bicycle shorts at Disneyland.
You'll be able to get all that stuff,
like the ski boat, a $4000 bike...
...maybe even a Barcalounger...
...that massages your ass
and blows smoke at the same time.
Bottom line here, Garry, Larry.
If you wanna merge
Alpine and Pure Vibe...
...i promise you, you're making
the worst decision of your entire life.
This guy is a disgruntled employee.
Couldn't keep up with younger talent.
Look at him. He's off his meds.
Finished. His own daughter
assaulted me in my home.
I did not. It was my friend,
and she did it because Pure Vibe...
...has one of the worst
environmental records in the industry.
Why are these kids here?
Plus, last year you guys outsourced
for cheaper labor to other countries -
Let her go, Todd.
I'll let her go. I'll let you go.
You're fired.
Yo, dog.
- Carl.
- My hero.
Todd, I quit.
Honey,
there seems to be snow on the ground.
Babe, it's left over from last winter.
At 9500 feet...
...it doesn't melt. It's glacial.
- We don't have chains.
- Don't need them.
They're for the winter, not July.
Well, I see snow.
Hey, Dad, are we poor?
Carl, there's a lot of ways
to measure a family's wealth.
- I think love -
- I was talking about money.
- We're dirt poor.
- Sell the house.
We could all live
in the Big Rolling Turd.
We'll spend every minute together,
just like the Gornickes.
- That just sounds fantastic.
- Oh, yeah.
- Chains. Four - Wheel drive.
- Thanks.
Officer, good day. I know what you're
gonna say: "Where are your chains?"
Well, sir, this is no ordinary RV.
It's part ATV, part SUV,
and certified by the DMV.
It's got positraction, Dynaflow,
control traction with me in control.
It's got heated rims.
Wish I had those.
Okay.
License and registration, sir.
Oh, there it is.
I believe that was
the rental agreement.
We had a little bit
of a mishap at the lake.
I lost my wallet.
My name is Bob Munro.
We got him.
We're just ahead of you.
Got me?
Officer, I know she may look unsafe,
but she's tough.
She likes to be rode hard
and put away wet.
Spent two days in the lake.
Had to fish her out.
It means a lot.
We couldn't abandon it.
It's like a big, ugly pet, really.
You got him. Thanks, Sam.
- We owe you one.
- We've been chasing you all morning.
I just took one soda.
No, we just want you to know
we're going national.
- Well, good luck.
- With you.
We want you to join us
at Alpine Beverages.
- You're offering me a job?
- Yeah.
- Yes, he'll take it.
- She's a tough negotiator.
You just really seem to get us,
like a harmonic convergence.
- Dad, you forgot something.
- Baby...
- ... don't interrupt daddy's new bosses.
- Sure, but the RV's rolling away.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts