Barely Legal/Transcript

So, girls, what are we gonna do
for our birthday?
Sue, we have plenty of time.
To figure something out.
But this is the big 1... 8.
I mean, every year since our moms
met in the hospital,
We've done something new
and special,
But this has to be newer
and more special.
So what's something
we've never done before?
- Mushrooms?
- No, not like that.
Like something nice.
- Like maybe a trip.
- Like a mushroom trip?
No.
Sorry, Sue. I have a date.
So do I. Sorry, Sue.
Don't worry, Sue.
We'll figure it out.
- Oh, flowers. Are these from you?
- Yeah. Sure.
Here you go.
No card? But I thought I saw one.
I didn't know
how to put my feelings into words.
I guess, um...
You still make me...
Nervous.
Oh, Jake.
Maybe I should come in
and hang out for a minute.
Uh, no, Jake. Not yet.
When we do it,
I want it to be really special,
- The best night of my life.
- It will be, I promise.
It'll always be amazing.
With you and me together.
Jake, no. I have to go.
I have to work on my art project.
You know, I thought art was
gonna be a really easy elective,
But guess I should have
taken more math. Heh.
Uh, so you're gonna come
to my birthday, okay?
- This saturday?
- Of course.
Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Not bad.
- Hello.
- Cheryl,
we have to talk about
our birthday plans.
I mean, it's only two days away,
and we still haven't decided
the perfect way to celebrate.
So I was thinking
maybe we could all take a trip to...
Oh, Sue, um,
I meant to tell you before,
But I wanted to be sure.
Um, I think I'm gonna spend
my birthday with jake.
Uh, I'm gonna lose my virginity to him.
You know, I want to surprise him.
What? But you can't.
I mean, I thought we were
going to wait until marriage.
Besides, you can't do that to us.
You can't break tradition that way.
This is bad.
You know, I'm gonna tell Lexi.
She's gonna be very unhappy
about this.
Come on, Lexi.
Oh, baby, you're so hot.
- I'm gonna do you so good.
- Oh, yeah, baby?
- Yeah.
- What was your name again?
Rod, sex god.
That's right.
That's the body of a real man.
Oh, sorry. I just gotta get my phone.
Oh, it's an sos from Sue. Hold on.
My contacts.
Go time.
No. Wait.
I need to find my contacts.
They're in here somewhere.
- Oh, there's one.
- Nipple.
- Sorry.
- I didn't say stop, though.
Hit them both.
Oh, hey.
It's my buddy JJ. Is that cool?
Oh. Uh, uh... okay. I guess.
As long as you told him
I'm still a virgin, So no fucking.
Oh.
Oh.
Lexi is so upset, she's speechless.
Yeah, right. I bet.
Oh, my gosh.
Bye.
Oh, my gosh.
Five orgasms in a row.
Oh, there's my contact.
Cheryl's losing her virginity
on saturday?
Oh, no.
Does not compute.
Want to talk...
- In person...
- Asap.
- Oh.
- Huh. I Hi.
So when did you get home?
- So is it true?
- Yes, it is.
It's just it's the right time,
And jake's the right man.
I mean, he's handsome
and smart and wealthy,
And he has a really bright future
ahead of him,
So I just think it's the right time.
Lexi, tell her.
Losing our virginity
is one of those milestones.
We all have to face together.
On our birthday, yes,
but not on this birthday.
Like maybe on our 23rd birthday
Or maybe even like our twenty... Ni...
Eighth, maybe.
Listen, guys, um, I know it's tradition,
but sorry.
But, Cheryl, sue is right.
We do always do something special
on our birthda...
Does Jake really have Such a tiny,
little needle dick?
It's not Jake.
It's the male ideal,
Like a greek god or sue's dad.
Right.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, it kinda sucks.
I'm not really an artist.
Girls, can you just stop
changing the subject?
The point is we should all lose
our virginities together...
on the same day,
and I'm just not ready yet.
I'm waiting for a sign,
and then I'll know it's right.
Look, I can go either way.
I mean, I'm fine with just 69, 79, anal.
I don't feel any rush to actually
do the deed.
Besides, I know it'll never live up
to my rabbit anyway.
But if you want to do it this year, then...
...maybe we all should.
You know, it could be like our big
18th birthday thing.
Where are you going?
It's 6:30 in the morning.
To church to pray for you.
Want to be first in line.
Well, I'm getting some sleep.
Yeah, me, too.
Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned.
It has been four days since
my last confession.
I accuse myself
of the following sins...
Mm... Hmm.
Okay, so I... I'm really embarrassed
to talk about this, but...
It's about sex.
Uh... Huh.
I mean, not me. I've... I've never gone
past second base with a guy.
Uh... Huh.
I... I've never even seen a guy's...
Well, there was that one time
I took the pants off my ken doll,
But I was dressing him up as Jesus,
and I... I wanted to see his thing,
But there was nothing there.
Okay, so it's about my friends,
My best friends.
They're gonna do something
really bad this weekend.
Okay. Third base.
What? No, like sex.
Like intercourse.
With boys they barely even know.
I mean, they really need
a sinnervention,
if you know what I mean.
All the way. Go all the way.
What are do...
How could you do s...
You're a bad, bad person.
What?
Yes. Yes!
Run! Run! H... Home ru...
Damn it.
Fucking yankees.
Sorry.
Sue, it is one p.m.
Would you have a little consideration?
I'm trying to sleep.
Jeez, can you guys
please keep it down?
I have an announcement to make.
I want to do it.
Do you hear me? I want to do it.
This weekend on our birthday.
Do what?
It, screw.
You know, screwing, boning,
making beast with two backs.
You know, shagging, Fucking!
You do?
Uh, but what about all your
religious stuff,
and, um, what about your sign
from heaven?
- Oh, I got a sign at church.
- Really?
Well, okay, great.
We're all in then.
So we'll have a big pool party,
and we'll do it there, right?
Right.
I'll start making the shopping list.
I wonder what Jake's gonna
get me for my birthday?
Maybe it's a ring.
Or maybe it's like a rescue puppy.
Oh. It'll be like the start
of our new family.
Hey, check it out.
So gross.
Uh, but you better put that away
before sue sees it.
She'll have a heart attack.
Uh, Lexi, your bra, it has no cups.
Yeah. Hence the term cupless bra.
I don't know.
Do you think it's hot enough?
No. I think it's ridiculous.
It's like an oxymoron, like
hairless wig or fingerless gloves...
- Mm, is it hot enough?
- Or nonstick glue.
Or like crotchless panties.
Oh, right.
Thank you for reminding me.
Party favors!
Oh.
Well! That's so wrong.
I know. Horrible. Doesn't vibrate.
It's broken. It's okay, though.
I have another one.
What?
You prefer that?
Well, which is it, Sue,
manual or automatic?
Wait. You mean...
Are you saying...
You've never masturbated?
- No.
- Like no, never?
- No, never.
- Seriously, like never ever?
- No.
- Uh, like never even in your sleep?
Or when you're bored?
Or when you're just anxious?
Like in the morning
to help you wake up?
Or at night to help you fall asleep?
Or when you think about Jake
and my's new puppy?
Yeah. Or when you go to visit.
Your dead brother's grave?
Or when you witness a murder?
Or when you put on lipstick
and it gets on your teeth?
Or when you start going sky diving?
Or when you max out all
your credit cards?
Or when you play jigsaw
with your grandmother?
- Or just because?
- Because you're really fucking horny?
No, never.
Like never, ever, ever, ever, ever.
- But seriously, never?
- Never.
Look, can we just drop it?
We have a whole house to decorate.
Yeah, okay.
I just still can't get over it.
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh. Hi, Sue.
Guys, we didn't invite frank
to the party.
I don't know.
Do you think he'd even have fun?
Yeah. He's blind.
Blind people can do everything
regular people can do.
He's not waving back.
Frank. Hey. Um, I was wondering.
Well, the house looks done.
Tomorrow's the big day.
We finally turn 18.
And finally lose our virginity.
Well, we better get our beauty sleep,
because the party starts tomorrow
at 2:00.
So, okay, we know who Cheryl's
gonna do it with, Jake.
And I'll probably do that guy Rod.
But, Sue, who are you gonna pick
to pop your Cherry?
It's easy.
I've known for the past six years,
ever since catechism.
What the fuck is catechism?
I think it's a baby panda wrapped
in peanut butter.
Oh, my soul mate.
Chris?
Sue, you, um, might want to think
about picking a backup.
- I mean...
- What? No. Chris is perfect.
He played Jesus in Jesus Christ
superstar last year at camp.
Plus his name is Chris. It's a sign.
Sue, the only sign is that Chris.
Has a major case of gay face.
What? He does not.
Anyway, there's no such thing
as gay face.
He looks just like Justin Bieber.
With a little bit of Zac Efron.
And just a hint of Ryan Seacrest.
Who the fuck's Ryan Seacrest?
Look, Chris is my soul mate.
Okay, well, sweet dreams.
See you in the morning.
I knew it would happen someday.
I just didn't expect
it to happen so soon.
You're so perfect.
I knew that's what it looked like.
Too bad no one could ever
compare to you.
Wow.
You are perfect.
Who are you?
Tomorrow's the day.
Oh, my gosh. They're coming.
Lexi! Cheryl! Hurry!
Eww. Why?
It's for jake to unwrap me.
It's gonna be really sexy.
I'm gonna surprise him.
You're gonna die of asphyxiation.
It's gonna be really sexy.
It's stupid. Just screw him.
That's what he wants.
That's what all guys want.
- Who hurt you as a child?
- Oh, Christ.
Can I wrap your mouth, too?
Anyway, what guys want.
Is someone who's sexy,
Not someone
they can just have sex with.
You're an idiot,
A very smooth,
plastic... Wrapped idiot.
- Thank you.
- Guys, seriously. Come on. Hurry up.
Oh.
Oh, what a cool bracelet.
I love it.
Um...
You should put that down,
though, 'cause it's like...
It's very fragile.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Set it down.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up.
- Morning.
Those were your anal beads, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I thought so.
Oh, this party's hot.
Whoa. Hold up.
- Oh, we gonna Have some fun.
- Oh, attack of the wet t... shirts.
Nice.
Ah, gonna get... chair, chair, chair.
Happy birthday, Lex.
No. Joanna, we said no gifts.
That is lip poison to plump your lips,
but be careful. It stings.
And the other one is...
edible massage oil.
Oh, how do you know?
I'm gonna use both of these tonight.
Buster, you're such a cutie.
Please don't touch my service dog.
Right. Sorry.
Are you okay now?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay.
- See you later.
- Thank, okay.
I can't believe you haven't heard of it.
- This is crazy.
- Oh. Wait. I gotta...
- Jake. Hi.
- Oh. Hey, babe.
Happy birthday.
Oh, you didn't have to give me anything.
What? You want a beer?
No.
Oh, hon. Come here.
I have your present here.
I'll give it to you later
when the time's right.
You didn't have to get me anything.
And I have a present for you
that I want you to unwrap later.
Hey, bro.
We need you to settle this bet
Over here real quick.
What bet?
All right, this is my man right here.
- Hey. Hi. How you doing?
- Hey.
Dare me?
Ready?
One, two, three.
- Oh, dude, look at those.
- Are those real?
Hey, you guys seen Cheryl?
- Hey! Ah! Dude, move!
- Come on. Lame.
Oh. All right. Okay.
- I'll see you guys later.
- Move!
- Go do some push... Ups or something.
- Ah, look. Boobs.
20 bucks says by the end of the day,
- I will be motorboating those titties.
- Yeah.
They're fake anyways.
- Who cares?
- Okay.
Tit... tays.
Oh. Oh, dude, dude.
Look at those breasts.
Have you seen a rack like that before?
I'm blind, you fucking asshole.
Sue, no. It's your birthday.
Here. Let me.
Joanna, no.
Just go enjoy the party.
It's not...
I win.
Hey. Do my lips look any plumper?
I put the stuff on,
but I can't really feel anything yet.
Have you guys seen Jake?
I haven't seen him anywhere.
He just, like, disappeared.
Are these real?
Of course they are.
- I'm just wondering.
- How come I've never met you before?
I don't know.
Maybe you just don't be around.
Darryl, have you seen Jake?
Um, I think he's around or something.
Maybe upstairs. I don't know.
- So...
- So...
Maybe he went to go get...
...my birthday present.
That's probably where he went.
Whoa, whoa.
- Liquid courage?
- Yeah.
Attagirl.
- Vodka cranberry?
- Shirley temple.
Well, I guess it's now or never.
I gotta go meet Rod.
Sue? Are you okay?
Sue, relax.
They're just guys, okay?
Nothing to be scared of, seriously.
You're gonna be fine.
Is chris here?
Wow.
It's even worse in person, isn't it?
No. He does not have gay face.
I'm gonna prove it to you.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do this.
Good luck.
Oh, god.
Hey, you can do this.
Just act like a slut.
Just pretend you're Lexi.
My favorite chapter is sodom
and gomorrah.
Chris. Hi.
- Can I talk to you?
- Uh... huh.
Uh, in private.
Oh, be Lexi. You're Lexi.
- What?
- Chris.
You're so sexy.
Ever since you played Jesus at camp,
I've just...
I've known that we.
Were meant to be together,
and I really want to...
Oh! What are you doing?
- Is that wrong?
- Sue! What's gotten into you?
Nothing. I'm... I'm sorry.
I... I don't know how to do this.
Sue.
Sue, Sue, Sue.
I understand these urges,
and, you know, I like you, too.
- Really? You do?
- I do. I really do.
It's just...
I've devoted a lot of my life
to one certain man.
Right.
- Lexi said you were...
- Jesus.
Oh. That man.
Of course. What did you think?
Uh, nothing.
- So we can still do this, then?
- Oh, Sue.
You know, for me...
When I think about that man,
who died for our sins,
when I think about him.
Up there on that cross so helpless,
yet so muscular,
with his strong thighs.
Crossed over each other.
So delicately.
Beneath that ragged loincloth,
Growing so hot, so sweaty.
Under that hot, hot sun,
I just feel such compassion.
I think about those things, too.
So you understand why I can't do this.
Not really.
I just find it too hard...
it is... to give in to carnal pleasure.
When he sacrificed so much for us,
So...
Gonna go out there, right?
And then we're gonna totally
throw these ones.
- They're gonna hit...
- Hey, guys. I Whoa!
- Have you seen Jake?
- Uh, n... no. No.
All right.
Okay. All right, focus. Focus. Focus.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, he got me the puppy that I wanted.
How could he?
Sue, what happened?
Did you guys do it?
Sue.
He doesn't want me.
- Because he's gay.
- No, he's not.
He just really loves Jesus.
Oh, come on, Sue.
The only reason you even liked him.
Is because you knew he was never
a real possibility for you.
Look, the only way
you are gonna find out.
What kind of man you really want.
Is to know what kind of woman
you really are deep inside.
- What?
- Come with me.
- Where?
- To meet your dark side.
Out!
Everyone out!
Sue, it's time for you and your vagina.
To meet face to face.
No.
I really can't.
I really don't think I can do this.
I'm not letting you out until you look.
Sue... can you see it?
Sue.
I'm almost... I'm almost there.
Oh.
What?
What? Sue, what happened?
What did you see?
- A raccoon?
- What?
You overshot it.
Aim the mirror further up.
I can't.
Please don't make me do that again.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I didn't want to do this,
but you leave me no choice.
- What?
- You really need an orgasm.
Honestly,
I don't know how you expected.
To ever have sex with someone else.
When you've never even
had it with yourself.
This really has to be your first step.
- Lex, I'm ready.
- Coming.
Sue, uh, my black vibrator.
Is somewhere in the top drawer.
Just find it and use it.
Well, wait.
What does the black vibrator look like?
It's black. It vibrates.
- Come on, Rod. Let's go to sue's room.
- Okay.
And don't come back
until you have at least one orgasm.
Hey, cutie! Cutie!
Boobs... eye!
Ah, yeah!
Beg. Beg. Bang. Bang.
Good boy. Straighten up.
Good boy. Good boy.
He knows over a hundred commands.
I'm sorry. I can't see anything.
- That is not funny, Cheryl.
- That bitch.
Fortunately when you're blind,
you get used to things like that.
Oh.
Oh shit
What's wrong with this thing?
Cheryl, what is wrong?
Lexi, it's Jake.
He was getting a blow job
by some pink... haired girl.
For sure?
I mean, I know I've been putting off
having sex with him,
so maybe... maybe it's my fault.
That's no excuse.
He's a dirtbag. How dare he?
I know. It's awful.
I mean, I thought I was gonna marry him.
Oh, no. Oh, my god.
It's a text.
It's from him.
Um, I can't bear myself to read it.
Okay.
Uh, he's looking for you.
He wants to give you your birthday gift.
Oh, I can't face him.
- Um, I have to go. I'm going.
- No. You can't just leave.
Well, I can't stay
and just pretend like nothing happened.
I mean, maybe I should confront him.
No. He'll either deny it.
Or admit and promise never to do it again.
Either way, it's bullshit.
I see only one option.
- I'm leaving.
- Revenge sex.
Rev... I mean, what?
What does that even mean?
It means you find a guy,
you screw his brains out.
And you let jake catch you.
But he... I mean,
He doesn't even care.
He doesn't even care about me.
I mean, why would...
He's just into other girls.
Trust me. He'll care.
Seriously, this is the worst
thing you could do to him,
to his ego, to screw someone else.
When you've never
even had sex with him,
Especially if it's with someone smarter,
Better... Looking.
And with a bigger dick.
No, I... I couldn't.
Plus, I mean,
there's... there's no one smarter...
a... and better... Looking.
Eric. He's perfect.
Eric Hall? Are you kidding?
I mean, he wouldn't even be into me.
He likes your type.
Really?
And what type is that?
Slutty.
Yeah. Trust me. He's amazing.
I fooled around with him once.
He has this great tongue ring.
Oh. No. I could never fool around.
With somebody
you've fooled around with.
Okay, then. Fine.
We will find someone else,
someone that I haven't
fooled around with.
I don't...
Okay, what does it matter.
That I fooled around with him? I mean,
it's... you're not gonna marry the guy.
Mmm. No, I just couldn't do it.
Fine. If you want to live the rest
of your life.
Knowing that you had one chance
to do the right thing.
To make your boyfriend feel.
Like a total worthless piece of garbage.
And possibly even scar him
for the rest of his existence.
And you chose not to do it, go ahead.
But honestly, I don't know
how you'll be able to live with yourself.
I don't know.
Trust me. It's going to work.
Okay, I will intercept Jake.
And get him upstairs.
- Hi, Cheryl. Happy birthday.
- Okay, enough chitchat.
- Hey, I was...
- Fuck no!
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
- Have you guys seen Jake?
- No?
So...
Happy birthday.
Uh, do you know that most people think.
That the happy birthday song
was from britain?
But it's actually from us. U.s.
A... America.
- United states.
- I know where we live.
Right. Of course.
Okay, Jesus, Eric.
Are you gonna make your move or not?
Oh, you want me to move?
Yeah. No, I can totally move. I just... I...
No. You're fine.
Oh. Jake!
So, Eric, do you want to do it or not?
I'm sorry. It?
- What, um...
- It... like monkey... boning.
And, like, pigs in a blanket,
Get real nasty.
Oh. Oh, you mean like, uh...
Right now?
I mean, well, yeah.
You know, the sooner the better,
Yeah. Sure. I mean, yeah. Of course.
Um, I just never realized that you...
I mean...
Whew. Uh...
It's just...
You're so...
- You're so beautiful and...
- Okay, um...
Uh, no kissing.
Right. Um, of course. Sorry?
So, um, do you want to unwrap me?
Oh, wow. Uh, you're wrapped up.
Like a hot pocket or...
a leftover macaroni and cheese.
Not that you're left over. You're not.
Y... You're fresh.
Organic.
Yep.
- So the wrap.
- Right.
Where's the, uh...
It's, uh... the edge is, like,
right over here.
- Oh, oh. Yeah. Here it is. It's... I see it.
- Yeah.
Uh, just, uh. Yes uh...
S... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I... I'm...
That's... That's okay.
Do it again.
Sorry, I... I bite my nails,
- so it's a little difficult sometimes.
- You know what?
Let me just lay on the bed.
Okay.
Uh. Let me just see.
- Oh, here it is. I got it.
- All right. Just, um, pull it.
Let me just...
Oh, jeez. Cheryl, are you...
- Are you okay?
- Help. Help.
Hey, Cheryl, are you okay?
Oh, jeez.
Well, that was stupid.
Yeah.
How you doing tonight?
You having a good time?
Yeah? Good.
- Jake, I think I saw Cheryl upstairs.
- What?
I can't hear you.
Need another beer.
- Chips are so damn salty.
- Jake!
- So anyway...
- Upstairs!
- Yeah.
- Hold on. Gotta take a piss.
Too much beer.
Finally.
I, uh... set me just get the blinds.
Oh, oh. No, no, no. No, no, no.
- Um, don't... don't worry about it.
- What?
I mean, I want us to be able
to see each other.
Oh.
- Well, okay.
- Okay.
You like that, baby, huh?
What are you doing?
Uh, I think it's time,
you know, to... do it.
- Um, not yet. More foreplay.
- Huh? Oh.
J... A... K...
So good.
Oh.
- Yep.
- Oh. My jaw.
- Jaw. Jaw.
- Jaw. Wh... What? What?
Oh...
- L... Lockjaw. Lockjaw.
- Is that even a thing?
I don't know.
Are you okay?
N... No, no, no.
It's, uh... It's fine.
I'm just e... embarrassed.
It's probably TMJ.
Or fracture, swollen...
You sure you're okay?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
- Okay, great. Have fun.
- Oh!
- Now. Now. Let's do it now, now.
- No, not yet. Not yet.
I'm gonna come.
- No. Not yet.
- I'm gonna come. Are you ready?
No! No! No, no, no!...
No, no, no! Not yet! Lexi!
Lexi! Oh, shit.
No means no.
Huh? Oh, I... I'm so sorry.
I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's been a really long time,
And I just... I haven't masturbated.
Very many...
Uh... Uh.
Oh. Hey, Jake.
How you doing?
- How's it going?
- Good.
Eric? Come.
Excuse me!
Cheryl's in...
What's up, bro?
What the fuck is...
Hey, wait.
Lex, babe, still waiting.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't see. I'm blind.
Damn it.
I'm gonna say something to that bitch.
Hey, you.
You better stop making fun
of the blind,
Or I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
I'm so sorry.
I'll never make fun of the blind again.
God
These water balloons,
They feel so real.
- They are real, bitch.
- I'm sorry.
Freak.
This just isn't working out.
Oh, man. No more water balloons.
This party's ass.
Yeah, yeah...
This just isn't working.
Nothing. What's the big deal
about these vibrators anyway?
Gotta be careful, man.
The lock sticks.
Spark it up.
- All right.
- Yes.
Oh, man.
I love this game.
Where's the controllers?
- We gotta play.
- Uh, here. Here, Here, here, here.
- Okay, let me find.
- Another one.
Whoo!
- Whoa!
- Look at this.
Oh, my...
get that thing away. Jesus.
Hey, dude, nice shot.
Wasn't me.
Whoa. Nice.
Are you sitting on it or something?
Hey, you found the grenade launcher.
Nice. Nice.
Do you have the extra controller?
Whoa!
- You are the controller.
- No. I just...
I didn't. I sw... ear I...
- And I was like, don't leave, so...
- Hey, Sue.
One second.
It's okay. Uh, hey, Sue.
Hey, didn't you hear me calling you?
Yeah. I just needed to,
Oh. Sure.
Listen, Sue, I...
I was rethinking what I said earlier.
You were?
You mean...
Yeah.
So you think we should give it a try?
Could we go get a drink?
Wow. Um, your toilet's really...
Clogged. You sh...
You know what? I... I gotta go.
- Um, happy birthday.
- Un, no, Chris!
No! That wasn't... I didn't...
God, never mind.
This was the worst idea ever.
I'm never going to have sex.
Ow.
Hello. A little attention here.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Lex, don't be selfish.
- Oh, right. Sorry.
Jeez.
Who invented this stupid
position anyway?
Too much fucking multitasking.
Screw it.
Let's just do it.
This is it.
What is it?
Uh, I can't...
Seem to get it in.
Ow!
- Don't force it, please.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
We were so hot last week.
What the hell is different?
What? Why did this happen?
Well, JJ was there last time.
Oh, yeah. JJ.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Could it be
that I've become such a slut...
that I need a threesome
to even get excited?
I've used up all my juices.
I've gone dry,
like a used... up orange.
So is, uh, JJ here tonight?
Not that I know of.
It doesn't matter.
We don't need a third party.
We are gonna do this.
We just need a little...
Here.
I got this edible massage oil.
You can use it as a lube.
All right.
What the...
Oh, my god!
What the fuck is that?
Holy shit!
Oh!
This is the hot lip gloss.
No wonder my lips weren't plumping.
Oh. Oh. Ahh.
That does burn.
No. Oh. That was bad.
That was so bad.
Joanna,
do you know a guy named JJ?
I think that guy's name
starts with a "J."
Hey, does your name start with a "J"?
Yes, it does.
So you're JJ?
Hello. Welcome to 1... 800... Confess.
Would you like a priest
or a nun today?
A nun.
Please punch in your
credit card number.
Please hold.
Oh, thank goodness.
1... 900... Confession.
How may I be of service?
It's been one day
since my last confession.
I accuse myself
of the following sins...
One day.
Uh, is that too long?
I would have come this morning,
but it's my 18th birthday.
Go on.
Uh, okay.
Well, I've been touching myself.
Inappropriately.
Well, actually,
I didn't. A washing machine did.
What's her problem?
A washing machine touched her.
Uh, well, you know, I sat on
a washing machine, and, well...
All right, freak. Time's up.
What? But what do I do?
Just unplug the thing.
No, but...
but I think I might have had an...
Orgasm.
Well, then be happy
you found the perfect man.
I'm serious.
Look, honey, you seem
like a nice young lady so...
I'll tell you this.
Masturbation isn't a sin.
No contritions?
You broke no covenant with god.
It's not in the bible.
So the washing machine
could touch me anytime?
Like morning, afternoon, night?
Yes, and other things can touch you.
Accidental masturbation is not a sin.
Neither is intentional masturbation.
- God's pretty cool that way.
- He sure is. Now run along.
Wow. How do you know all that?
Because I'm a nun.
Now eat my pussy, bitch!
Accidental masturbation.
Who'd have thunk?
Revenge sex.
What a stupid fucking idea.
God, I'm getting out of here.
Yeah, I admit it. I got no game.
I guess I just get a little nervous
around beautiful women like you.
Fucking douche... bag.
Damn it.
Now I have to get laid
if it's the last thing I do.
You go, girl.
What?
What are you doing here?
We needed someplace private.
But, hey, listen.
If you're serious about getting laid...
- Yeah.
- If you want someone great...
I mean really the best ever...
No offense.
- Frank, the blind guy.
- Really?
I'm telling you. He's amazing.
I had food sex with him
a few weeks ago.
It was like nothing
I've ever experienced before.
It was like we used all
our senses, everything.
If you're interested, I'll set it up.
All right.
What about him,
Jeremy?
I know Jeremy.
I think I fooled around with him once.
I don't know his last name, though.
It's Jones, Jeremy Jones.
This all makes sense.
Excuse me.
Jeremy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Who was on the phone?
Oh, that's my new girlfriend.
You'll meet her.
- She'll be here in, like, an hour.
- Wait. You have a girlfriend?
Oh. Hi, Frank.
Sit.
Oh, you meant...
You meant the dog.
Relax.
Need to relax and calm down.
Oh, I'm... I'm relaxed.
I'm fine.
Then why are you biting your nail?
I'm not.
How did you know that?
Corner.
Sit.
Roll over.
Oh, you mean me.
Oh, how do you...
how do you want me to...
Just lay down.
- Oh. Oh.
- I shouldn't even be doing this, but...
considering it a teachable moment.
Okay.
Oh.
See me with your hands.
All right. Uh...
You know, I should really
I have... boyfriend and my...
Really.
Mmm, peanut butter.
Frank. Frank. Oh.
Oh, Frank.
You know what, man?
Hey, give me a chip.
- My chips, homeboy.
- Dude, give me a chip, man.
- My chips.
- Dude.
- My chips.
- Dude, give me a chip.
My chips.
Guys, why are you
making such a mess?
Sorry.
It was just a case of accidental
masturbation. That's all.
Go away.
- I got it. No. I got it.
- No, really, please. I want to help.
Please.
Okay, everybody out.
Leave. I have to vacuum.
You're not even getting the chips.
They're... they're over here.
I just...
I see some dust over here, so...
It's just there's so much dust
on this floor.
Ah, it's a dirty floor.
Such a dirty...
Dirty floor.
Okay. Okay. Oh all right.
Think I got all of that.
I'm just gonna... I'll see you.
We gotta find a room, dude.
We gotta... oh, here's one.
Oh, frankie.
- Oh. Oh, my...
- What was that?
What?!
- Oh, fuck you shit.
- Shit. Aw, man, we gotta...
Oh, we can smoke in here.
Stop. Frank, stop teasing, Frank.
- Oh, shit.
- Ah, I'm trapped in a box.
Oh, sorry, man.
We were just looking for.
A place to finish this roach.
- Oh. I heard something, so...
- You want to join us?
- No. I'm, like, kind of in the middle of...
- Come on, you gotta do it. Come on.
- Seriously, guys, I need to go back...
- Where's your dog, man?
Dude, what's it like being blind?
I bet it's trippy.
Frank?
Frank, are we gonna do
something soon?
Come here, Frank.
Frank, come here.
Come. Frank, come on.
Come on, Frank.
Yep. Lick it.
Lick it up, Frank.
Lick it up, Frank.
Yeah. Come on.
Ah... Oh.
It's tickling me.
Oh, Frank.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Lick it, Frank.
Bro, you are too funny.
Thanks, man.
Oh, this is some good stuff.
I haven't smoked since junior high.
Dude, I didn't stop smoking
since junior high.
Wait. Wait. Feel like I was supposed
to be doing something.
Damn, I really can't remember.
This is some good shit.
Oh. I can't even handle it anymore.
Oh, my god. You're so silly.
You're so silly, frankie.
Oh. Okay.
No way.
Buster. Buster, come here.
No way.
- Take a video of this.
- Holy shit.
Holy shit,
That's some funny, funny shit.
Doggie style.
I'll be your dog.
Yes!
Doggie style.
Oh, my god.
Doggie style.
Oh, my god.
Get the fuck out!
Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out!
- Get the fuck out!
- I'm so putting this online.
Holy shit.
Oh, no.
You're the devil.
No more.
This is all just a horrible mistake.
You're a good person,
Not some sinful, self...
Stimulating slut.
You're not.
You're better than that.
No.
Never again.
Oh, no.
Oh, please no more.
Ah, damn it, I can't stop.
Oh, I'm so bad.
Oh, 12 different speeds.
No. You disgust me.
But, JJ, I... Jeremy, you have to
remember that amazing time...
We had together, don't you?
Please.
Lex, I can't.
I mean, I got a girlfriend.
I really like This girl.
Fine!
It's just so sad,
because I'm wearing this cupless bra,
and I also have on crotchless panties...
With just a little string of pearl
in front for extra stimulation.
Oh.
Ah. We've got, like, 30 minutes...
- before she gets here.
- Perfect.
Oh, yes.
Mmm, do it. Oh, let's do it.
Fuck me. Fuck me now.
- What? What's wrong?
- I can't.
I can't get it in.
It's too dry down there.
It's like dessert down there.
It's sandpaper.
- I just... sorry.
- Okay, I get the picture.
Just try again.
No. Why is this happening?
We've fooled around before.
I... I was dripping wet.
I came, like, four times, remember?
Just do what you did then.
Go on.
I already did my thing.
I already tried.
What? What is different this time?
I don't know.
Last time...
I honestly don't even know
what you're talking about.
What?
You're not JJ?
But your name is Jeremy jones.
How can you not be JJ?
Who the hell is this JJ?
Where are you going?
We're not done here.
I can still do this. I just need
A little bit of foreplay.
I can do this.
I don't need JJ.
I don't need anyone else.
We can do this.
Oh! Go team.
- Uh, you're... You're...
- What? Just keep going.
- Jeremy, are you...
- Shit!
Hold on a second!
Jeremy!
Get...
- Where's Jeremy?
- Hi.
Uh, we were just,
you know, working out.
Hey, babe. Just working out.
How could you, you bastard!
- You might want to...
- What?
What?
Mariella!
- Mariella!
- You know, those aren't mine!
At least not all of them.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
You used to be so pure.
Well, no more. That's it.
Really, that's the last one.
Ah, yes.
Cheryl.
What is it?
What are you doing down here?
Waiting for everyone to leave...
So I can sneak out and get far,
far way from here.
What? Why?
Nothing. Just this blind guy
and his dog and... ecch.
Honey, it's gonna be okay.
No, it's not okay.
God. And you know whose fault it is?
- I'm sorry.
- It's Jake's!
Jake's fault!
That lying, cheating bastard.
Yes. He is such a dickwad.
You need to confront him.
Yeah. Yeah, I need to confront him!
I mean, it's my birthday.
And where is he, anyway?
Like why isn't he hanging out with me?
You know, you just call him here
and give him a big piece of your mind.
Yeah, a big piece.
A big old chunk Of my mind,
- A big piece of it.
- Yeah.
You know, you might want to just...
you need to look hot
when you break up with him.
Yeah, you're right.
- I won't wear a sheet.
- No.
I'm sorry. I'm so...
I get shy around beautiful
women like you.
I got no game.
It's not important.
Hey. Um...
Eric, I... I can't talk right now.
No, no. I really need to talk to you.
- Really, Eric, I... I can't right now, so...
- No, no, no, no.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about earlier,
And I'm just embarrassed,
- And I want to make it up to you.
- Eric, really,
- I don't care. It's fine...
- No, but I do.
I mean, I do. I care.
I haven't known how to tell you,
Maybe 'cause...
I don't know... I'm a little shy.
But I was wondering or hoping...
that we could go out sometime...
Soon.
Because I'm gonna be leaving
for a little while,
And it would be nice to go out...
- before I...
- Really?
Eric, you're shy?
You have no game?
Well, no, not really.
Yeah, no.
I can't do this. Sorry.
Okay. All right.
I, uh...
Happy birthday, then.
I... I'm sorry.
I was trying to kiss your...
Wow. Wow.
Here I come, baby.
Get ready for your big birthday surprise.
Now you can make a glow...
In... The... Dark replica of my penis,
As seen on TV.
Man, she's gonna love this.
Oh. Eric, stop.
Um, we can't do this.
Oh, goddamn it. Not again.
- Oh, no. Um...
- Cheryl, honey, happy...
What the fuck is this?
Who the hell are you, dude?
Okay, guys, don't.
Cheryl, baby,
What is this?
Aw, jeez, Cher. Here?
I been looking for you all night,
And you've been...
Oh, man.
No wonder I couldn't find you.
You couldn't find me?
What about all those girls'
vaginas you were in.
- Or your penis getting sucked?
- Cheryl, honey...
- No. No.
- We can work this out.
- Baby, I love you.
- Jake, no. You have to go.
- Baby, I'll be faithful from now on.
- No.
Please. I promise.
No, Jake.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
- Ah, Cheryl, come on.
- No. Jake, please.
- Come on.
- Just go. Just go. I'm sorry.
A heartless bitch!
- How can you do this to me?!
- Yeah. You did it.
I am so proud of you.
You got your revenge sex.
You've left him a mere shell of a man.
Revenge sex?
It's really not
what it sounds like at all.
Right.
It all makes sense now.
Wow. I feel really stupid.
Eric, I'm really so...
I'm really sorry.
Cheryl, I really liked you,
And you used me.
Eric, please don't go. Please. Eric.
Aren't you happy?
Well, no. That's not exactly
how it was supposed to feel like.
You mean the sex? Was it eh?
- No, we didn't quite do it.
- Oh.
You know,
I couldn't seem to do it either.
- Really?
- I just never found the right guy or guys.
Anyway, we better get downstairs.
People are starting to leave.
I wonder how Sue did.
- Have some more water balloons.
- Yes. Yes, yes.
I can't believe she dumped me, man.
This is bullshit!
God! What the...
- Oh! Oh!
- What's up, douche?!
- Suck it!
- What's up?
I'm outta here!
- Yeah!
- He has good hair, though.
Don't you puke on me.
And don't puke in my car either.
Oh, Sue, are you all right?
Was it from sex? Did you pop your cork?
I don't think so,
not with a guy, anyway.
Oh, don't ask.
Every possible object.
It's like every mechanical thing.
It was like transformers.
They just all became vibrators.
I told you. It's addicting.
So what about Chris?
Well, last time I saw him,
He was running away for dear life.
- Told you he was gay.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, I think I'm just... oh. Cramp.
- I think it's broken.
- So wait.
None of us cashed in our "V" card.
Oh, joanna, you're so sweet.
So I was gonna go grab some food.
You want to go?
No. Thank you.
I think I should finish up here.
Did you ever find that guy
you were looking for?
No.
I don't know. For some reason,
I just realized...
he needs to be my first...
Or something.
Why, Do you know him?
- Sort of.
- Oh.
Well, hey, if you happen
to run into him,
tell him I'd like to see him again.
- You love him.
- Shut it!
- You want to do it with him.
- I don't want to hear it from you.
You want to get married.
You want to do it with him
forever and ever and ever.
Um, no.
No way.
Oh, well.
Oh, well.
There's always next year.
It's you.
I've been waiting for you, JJ.
Joanna.
I want you. Now.
Wow.
So I guess this means I'm gay.
Oh. Hold on. I don't know.
I'm not sure about this whole thing.
Wait.
I mean, I'm sorry. I just...
I think we should do it again...
just to make sure.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Yeah, I didn't know I had it in me.
I guess something inspired me.
You really captured his expression
and his eyes.
Yeah, even that little cowlick
he has in his hair.
- Whose?
- Eric's.
It's him, right?
Oh.
Yeah.
I have to go see him.
Oh.
Well, I think you know
what we should do.
1... 800... Confess?
Sister therese?
Yeah, hon, um, there was a problem
with your credit card.
I just need the last three numbers
on the back.
Oh, sure
- Oh!
- It's 271.
Um, sister, I know
this isn't a confession,
But can I ask your opinion
on something?
Do you think if you do something bad,
that god will forgive you,
take you back?
Sure, hon. Wh... why not?
As long as you're on the right path.
Well, how do you know
if you're on that path?
I always look for some kind of sign...
from the universe,
something to let me know
that it's all gonna be okay.
Sister, can I get up now?
- I've really gotta pee.
- No! Hush your trap!
Okay, honey.
I really need to get back to work,
But call back anytime.
I will
Thanks.
Sister?
Shut up, or I'll punish you hard,
you sheep fucker!
Eric, wait.
Cheryl?
Eric, um, look,
I am so sorry about everything.
I was trying
to have revenge sex with you...
at the beginning,
but then at the end, I wasn't.
I just didn't want to do that with you,
The revenge part, not the sex part.
Um, I... I do want to go out with you.
And I didn't realize that
until this morning.
I mean, you're a completely
different guy than Jake is,
- And he's all over these pink...
- Hey, Eric,
come on. We gotta get going.
Oh. Okay. Wow.
Um, Cheryl, this is my sister Tina.
Tina, Cheryl.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Uh, so, um...
Do you mind if I call you
In a few days when I get back?
Yeah. Sure.
Oh. Sorry. No kissing, right?
- No. Kissing.
- Oh.
Hey, did you ever, uh,
get those flowers I sent you?
I... I don't even care
that you hooked up with Lexi.
Wait. What? I never did that.
I mean, you don't have to lie about it.
She told me
all about your pierced tongue.
She must have me mixed up
with someone else.
I wonder who it was?
What's wrong? Is your tongue
ring stuck in my stud again?
Well, it's okay.
Take your time.
We're closing in on my record.
At least this birthday's over.
Dear lord, please forgive me.
I mean, if you could just...
I don't know, like, send me a sign.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Uh, do you know where the church is?
It's on Fountain street.
Uh, yeah. That's the church
I go to. Or used to go to.
Um, it's straight up that way
and then left.
Thank you.
You're more than welcome
to come with me if you like.
Oh. Uh, I don't know.
Whoa. That's pretty powerful.
Oh, 250 horsepower.
225 pounds of torque.
Like I said, you're more than
welcome to hop on.
I don't think so.
But thanks.
- What's your name?
- Sue. What's yours?
Jesus.
- Really?
- Si.
Maybe I could use a ride.
Category:Transcripts