Boris Johnson's House Party

Boris Johnson's House Party (also known as "Nightmare on Downing Street") is the nineteenth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the ninth episode of the second season. It was written by thatjess and released on April 26, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of 10 Downing Street at night. The words “June 19, 2020” scroll across the bottom left of the screen. Cut to the inside, where the Conservative party are throwing a very productive work event. Like A G6 is blasting in the background while Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and CrazySponge are smoking weed.]
Priti Patel: WAHEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
CrazySponge: I have no idea who you guys are, but I must say this is some party!
Boris Johnson: It is not a party, it is a very important work event!
Priti Patel: Yeah, yeah, sure. Wanna go for another round of shots, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Fuck yeah!
[Jacob Rees-Mogg walks in.]
Rees-Mogg: You enjoying your birthday part- I mean important work event, Boris?
Boris Johnson: Well, you know, I would have preferred to have had it in Peppa Pig World but considering we have to pretend to be self-isolating right now, this is the best work event I’ve ever had!
Sajid Javid: Say, who invited Keir Starmer?
[The camera pans over to Keir Starmer throwing up in the toilet.]
Keir Starmer: Oh, me? I never miss a Boris Johnson work event!
Boris Johnson: Yeah, that Keir Starmer is a right old lad when he’s not babbling on about “women’s rights” and “free speech” and all that crap. Now… let’s get down to business. Gay conversion therapy, eh?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: (laughs) I’m just kidding, I’m just kidding! It’s the weed talking, I’d never unban that!
[A shirtless Matt Hancock and Gina Coladangelo walk over, kissing.]
Matt Hancock: Say, Boris? No one’s gonna… you know, find out about this, hm?
Boris Johnson: Nah, of course not! Those muppets were stupid enough to elect me in the first place.
Priti Patel: Hand Cock does have a point-
Matt Hancock: It’s Hancock.
Priti Patel: Sure. Hand Cock does have a point though, if the people find out we’re breaking the law they’re gonna lose faith in us! We could get fined!
Boris Johnson: Pffffft! You worry too much, Patel. Trust me on this. No one is ever gonna fine us for breaking lockdown restrict-
[Cut to the present day; Perch Perkins is presenting the news on TV.]
Perch Perkins: BREAKING NEWS - Prime Minister Boris Johnson has just been fined for breaking lockdown restrictions!
[Boris Johnson throws a Peppa Pig plushie at the TV and it smashes.]
Boris Johnson: FUCKING WANKERS!!!!!!!!!
Carrie Johnson: Calm down, dear.
Boris Johnson: No, you don’t understand! We broke the rules and now they’re not going to want me as prime minister anymore!
Carrie Johnson: I mean it’s not that big of a deal. You only wanted to be prime minister anyway to compensate from you smaller than average di-
Boris Johnson: -sbelief in the Labour party!
Carrie Johnson: Yeah, and also because you have a small dick.
Boris Johnson: I know, I know. I should really get circumcised some day.
Carrie Johnson: Just calm down, love. Here, I’ll put on your favourite show.
[Carrie Johnson passes Boris an iPad with Peppa Pig on it. Cut to Perch Perkins interviewing Jacob. Rees-Mogg.]
Perch Perkins: This is getting quite difficult for the prime minister, isn’t it?
[Pause.]
Rees-Mogg: …no, it isn’t.
Perch Perkins: But it’s pretty clear that he set the rules… and then broke the rules.
Rees-Mogg: No, I think you misunderstand what’s happened. Um, the prime minister thought what he was doing was within the rules… and the police thought otherwise. And this is just like the DRS system in cricket. That sometimes the batsman, in good faith, thinks he’s not out LBW, sometimes the umpire thinks he’s not out in good faith. It goes to the third umpire who thinks he’s out and then the batsman accepts the decision. It’s exactly what’s happened to the prime minister.
[Pause.]
Perch Perkins: Sir, we’re talking about partygate-
Rees-Mogg: I’d love to stay and chat but unfortunately I do have to go to the House of Commons and-
Perch Perkins: To do what? Have a lie down?
Rees-Mogg: Well I- um… I must go and-
[Cut to Perch Perkins interviewing Boris Johnson]
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson, you have admitted to breaking Granolavirus lockdown restrictions which you yourself put in place, and now have been fined following a formal investigation. Do you have anything you would like to say to the United Kingdom, Peppa Pig World and Bikini Bottom?
Boris Johnson: Well, um…you see I do sincerely apologise for having an informal gathering consisting of a small group of people including my colleagues and friends on the day that just so happened to be my birthday and-
Perch Perkins: I think that’s called a birthday party.
Boris Johnson: What?
Perch Perkins: You just described a birthday party.
Boris Johnson: Well, um yeah I may have had a small gathering on the day of my birth, but I can assure you that at the time I was completely under the impression that I was NOT breaking my own Granolavirus lockdown restrictions and I can assure this country that it will not happen again.
Perch Perkins: So Mr. Johnson, whether or not you supposedly believed it at the time the government has admitted to breaking its own laws in a time of national sacrifice. This will make a lot of people lose faith in your government. What are you going to do next? Are you going to resig-
Boris Johnson: Well um Mr. Perkins, I- I thought about this long and hard, for a whole two minutes actually, and I have decided NOT to resign as prime minister. The crisis in Ukraine at the moment is simply too serious to-
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson we’re not-
Boris Johnson: -not helping the war cause enough? You are exactly right, Mr. Perkins-
Perch Perkins: -that’s not what I said-
Boris Johnson: From today forth, the UK will be helping to strengthen Ukraine’s capability to make sure Putin’s brutal invasion fails.
[Cut back to Boris Johnson in his home.]
Boris Johnson: (on the phone) Of course I still love you, son.
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: (on the phone) Which one are you again? …look, sorry I must go. I’ll send you an M&S gift card or something soon I don’t know. Bye, love you! (hangs up)
Carrie Johnson: You’re not gonna resign because of the war in Ukraine? What the fuck were you thinking, Boris? We have switched prime ministers during a fucking world war before, Boris! You need to get it together!
Boris Johnson: (sighs) I know, dear. It’s just, I did everything in my power to make sure people forgot about this whole mess, and… clearly nothing worked. I can’t believe I shot Suzy Sheep for nothing.
[Pause.]
Carrie Johnson: You what?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: I, uh… nothing! Nothing!
Carrie Johnson: You’re the one who shot Suzy Sheep?
Boris Johnson: I, uh… would you like a cup of tea?
Carrie Johnson: Ugh, I can’t believe you sometimes!
Boris Johnson: She was just a sheep!
Carrie Johnson: That sheep was an LGBTQ+ icon! She did more for this country than you ever have. You know what? …I can’t fucking stand this anymore. I’m leaving.
[Carrie Johnson puts her coat on and starts walking towards the door.]
Boris Johnson: Wait, Carrie! No! I’ll do anything! I’ll get the penis enlargement surgery! I’ll-
Carrie Johnson: Boris… it’s not about the size, it’s about how you use it. 
[Carrie Johnson walks out and slams the door. Priti Patel walks in.]
Priti Patel: You do have a small dick though, just saying.
Boris Johnson: I KNOW I HAVE A SMALL DICK!!!!!
Priti Patel: Jesus Christ, you’re acting like your wife just left you or something.
[Pause.]
Priti Patel: …oh.
Boris Johnson: She found out about Suzy.
Priti Patel: (sighs) I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Alexander.
Boris Johnson: My name’s Boris.
Priti Patel: Sure. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Besides, it could be worse.
Boris Johnson: How could it be worse?! People don’t trust me anymore.
Priti Patel: No one ever trusted you. At least you don’t have some guy named Alan messaging you every five minutes for feet pictures.
Boris Johnson: True.
[Priti Patel passes Boris a joint.]
Priti Patel: Weed?
[CrazySponge walks in.]
CrazySponge: aw fuck yeah