The Newer Norm

The Newer Norm is the 11th episode of Season 1 of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens with an establishing shot of Norm's house. After a brief moment, we cut to the inside, where we see a disgruntled Norm seated at an armchair, attempting but currently failing to distract himself with some television. We see him channel surfing through various "woke" shows and films, getting more frustrated with each one.]
Norm (groaning): What the hell's all this junk? I just want some normal shows.
[His ankle monitor blares, and a white -esque drone on an adjacent stool lights up.]
Drone: WARNING. OFFENSIVE.
Norm: (sigh) This fucking thing… (to the drone) Hey, why don't you shove it up your robo-anus, ?
[His ankle monitor blares and the drone lights up again.]
Drone: OFFENSIVE. PROFANITY DETECTED. DISCRIMINATION TOWARDS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
[Norm opens his can of woke beer and dumps it on the drone, causing it to short-circuit and shut off.]
Norm: Not so artificially intelligent now, are ya?
[A laugh track plays as the camera zooms out and plays a montage that pans across several photos of still images of The New Norm in a photo album, as the theme song plays.]
🎵 The new norm ain't the same as the old norm
Everything's changing and I don’t know when
This woke nightmare will end
Thank God for , and his shitpost memes
 is the home for free speech 🎵
[Zoom into a picture that takes us right back to Norm in the armchair. He looks at the woke beer can.]
Norm: At least I finally found a use for this thing. (beat) But I STILL want normal beer!
[Laugh track. Norm's daughter, Chloe, walks on screen up to the front door, before Norm stops her.]
Norm: Hey! An' where do you think you're goin'?
Chloe: I already told you I'm going out today.
Norm: Well, I'm fucking old and I need a reminder.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: Also, , so care to share some exposition with our fucking clueless audience?
Chloe: First I'm going to a pride parade. For a school project, of course–
Norm: Of course it is.
[Laugh track.]
Chloe: And after that I'm going to my wrestling lessons.
Norm (lights up): Hey, that's a step in the right direction!
[He remembers the sport is about touching people of the same sex.]
Norm: Oh.
[Laugh track.]
Chloe: And then finally I'm gonna have sex with my .
Norm (stands up furiously): BEFORE MARRIAGE?!
[Laugh track.]
Chloe: …I thought you'd be more mad about the "theyfriend" thing.
Norm: Oh. Yeah, that too.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: At the very least, could you get me some normal beer?
Chloe: But I'm not 21.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: Oh, but sex before marriage is okay.
[Laugh track.]
Chloe: Well, yeah. It's a lot less frowned upon now. It's part of the new norm.
[The theme song starts up again, as Norm looks around confused and irritated.]
🎵 The new norm ain't the same as the old–
Norm: Cut it out!
[Laugh track. Chloe leaves the house.]
Norm: God, I HAVE to get my hands on some normal beer! But I can't leave the house, or else the cops will fire their shots at me.
[Cut to a group of cops masturbating in public. Laugh track. Cut back. Janice walks in from off-screen to cheers from the audience.]
Norm: Janice, thank God! Can you make yourself useful and get me some normal beer?
Janice: Not if you're gonna talk to me that way. Either way, .
Norm: How else am I supposed to cope with all this new shit?
Janice: You could try crack.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: Is that better?
Janice: At least you're not drinking.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: (groan) Go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich or something.
Janice: Fuck off, Norm. It's not hip and cool to be sexist anymore. It's part of the new norm.
🎵 The new norm ain't the same–
Norm (exasperated): STOP!!
[Laugh track. Janice walks off.]
Norm: Fuck me, is that just going to play everytime someone says "the new norm"?
🎵 The new norm ain't the–
[Laugh track. Norm throws up his hands in anguish.]
Norm: I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!
[Chaz runs down the stairs. The audience cheers.]
Chaz: Norman! Don't kill yourself! I don't know what this world would do without you!
Norm: I didn't actually mean it, rainbow. It's just a thing people say.
Chaz: You mean USED to say. Suicide jokes aren't a part of the new–
[Norm puts his hand over Chaz's mouth.]
Norm: DON'T SAY THAT PHRASE!
[Laugh track.]
Norm: So I assume you're gonna go out to the streets and groom some children or something?
[His ankle monitor blares and the drone miraculously turns on.]
Drone: WARNING. OFFENSIVE.
[Laugh track.]
Norm: How'd that fuckin' thing– nevermind. Just tell me what you're up to.
Chaz: I'm not up to anything, I was just gonna take a walk.
Norm (skeptically): Uh huh, yeah. And I assume by, "taking a walk", you mean "going out to the streets and grooming children".
[Ankle monitor blares. Drone lights up.]
Drone: PROLONGED REFERENCES TO PEDOPHILIA CAN GET YOU GLOBALLY BLOCKED FROM THE FANDOM NETWORK.
Norm: Okay I'll shut up.
[Laugh track.]
Chaz: Listen Norm, just because someone is a liberal doesn't mean they have bad intentions. Sure, there are some, but they don't represent all of us.
Norm: Oh, believe me, I know a lot about bad minorities.
[Laugh track because it's funny because racism.]
Chaz: At the end of the day, we're all still human, no matter our political views. Liberal people, conservative people… what difference does it make? We can all eat lasagna together.
Norm: Uh huh, yeah, real insightful.
Chaz: Norm, just answer me one question.
Norm: What?
Chaz: Are you sure you're not just projecting your insecurities onto those who you feel are inferior to you, even if that may not necessarily be the case? Are you, like, even happy??
[Beat. Norm laughs out loud.]
Norm: PROJECTING MY INSECURITIES?? [laughter] Oh, that's priceless! [wipes a tear, suddenly becomes serious] I'm sure, British slang for cigarette. Now get the fuck outta my sight.
[Beat.]
Chaz: …okay. See you around, I guess.
[Norm stands valiantly as Chaz walks out the door. After a few seconds, Norm drops to his knees and starts to sob profusely.]
Norm: OH, WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING?! I'M A FUCKING LOSER! I HAVE NO FRIENDS, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE FUCKING SUCKS… [sniff; he glances at the can of woke beer] …AND I GET RILED UP OVER THE COLOURS ON A GODDAMN CAN OF BEER!
[The audience "aww"s as Norm continues to cry on the floor. Eventually, Charlie comes in, to the cheers of the audience.]
Charlie: eyo wuz poppin g—HOLY SHIT NORM ARE YOU OKAY?!
Norm (in-between sobs): No, Charlie. I'm a fucking wreck. I'm just a big old bully who picks on young people to cope with my own problems.
[Charlie kneels down to comfort him]
Charlie: Hey, hey, it's alright. You wanna talk about it over some sports?
[Norm looks up at him with a smile.]
Norm: …y-yeah, I'd like that.
[Jump cut; we see an exterior shot of the house at night as an excerpt from the theme song plays.]
🎵 The new norm ain't the same as the old norm 🎵
[Cut to inside. Charlie and Norm are seated on the couch laughing, watching some football (the American kind), and the only light is coming from the television.]
Norm: Oh boy! What a play, huh?
Charlie: Couldn't have put it better myself.
[The two laugh some more before the television goes to commercial break. Norm looks up at Charlie, his face full of sincerity.]
Norm: Thanks for coming over and cheering me up, Charlie. It… it really means a lot.
Charlie (smiles back): Hey, that's what friends do, Norm.
Norm: I just… I feel like there's a lot of things wrong with me. I haven't been very truthful with myself, or others for that matter… and I've done some things I kinda regret.
Charlie: Well… the way I see it, Norm… just simply acknowledging your faults is a good step in the right direction. Now the hard part's making it all right… but Norm, I want you to know… (puts his hand on Norm's shoulder) no matter what, I'll always be right by your side.
Norm: …thank you, Charlie.
[The two look into each other's eyes. Norm blushes a little.]
Norm: I… I feel like I'm most happy when I'm with you. I don't think even Janice gets me as much as you do.
Charlie (grin widening): I could say the same about you.
[Pause. Norm takes a deep breath, blushing more.]
Norm: Charlie… there's… I feel like, there's something I need to–
[Charlie puts his finger on Norm’s lips, before using the same hand to caress his cheek.]
Charlie: I love you too, Norm.
[The two of them blush and smile at each other. After a few seconds, they begin to profusely make out and grapple onto each other aggressively. They roll off the couch off-screen, and we only see their clothes fly as we hear their moans. Hearts rise from the bottom of the screen and fill it up before dissipating, serving as a transition to the front door. The doorknob rattles, before Janice unlocks the door.]
Janice: Norm, I'm ho—LY SHIT!
[Laugh track. We see her point of view: Norm is currently riding Charlie's giant cock on top of the couch, both completely naked and sweaty. The two of them look startled and embarrassed.]
Charlie: Uhh… you know there'll be jokes?
[Laugh track. Jump cut. We see another exterior shot of the house, with a subtitle reading "3 WEEKS LATER". Cut to inside. We see Norm sitting on the same armchair, but he looks noticeably different from before; he's wearing a black "I ❤️ MEN" shirt and some rainbow-coloured skin tight pants. He doesn't have his ankle monitor anymore, and he happily drinks the woke beer. Chloe and Chaz walk in holding hands, looking sad. Chaz has his baggage with him.]
Chaz: Well… seeing as how Norm has been successfully rehabilitated into the new norm™, I suppose I don't need to stick around here anymore.
Chloe: B-b-but pookie, you can't leave!! You're non-binary!! And that turns me on, for some reason.
[Norm stands up and walks up to the two.]
Norm (noticeably more feminine voice): I don't think there's any need for that. Me and Charlie simply can't wait for Sex 2 to add male pregnancy, so we've decided to adopt you instead!
Chaz and Chloe: Really?!
Norm: Sure.
Chloe (jumping ecstatically): OMIGOSH OMIGOSH!!! I've always wanted to live out my step-sibling fantasies!!
[Record scratch.]
Norm: Wait… uh oh, I didn't think this through.
[Charlie walks in, wearing a dress and some incredibly gorgeous lipstick.]
Charlie: I wouldn't worry about it. Incest is the newer norm!
[Laugh track. The same album montage thing from earlier happens.]
🎵 The new norm ain't the same as the old norm
Everything's changing and I don’t know when
This woke nightmare will end
[Elon Musk suddenly bursts in through the door, before taking off his pants and doing the epic child p0rn dance.
Thank God for Elon Musk, and his shitpost memes
𝕏 is the home for free speech 🎵
Charlie: I almost forgot!
[He takes out some tickets with images of LS Mark naked on them. The " sound plays as the camera zooms into the tickets.]
Charlie: We're going to SBFW!
[Everyone else gasps.]
Norm: Nah, fuck that.
[That stupid fucking dog Billie comes in and pisses on Norm's leg. Laugh track.]
🎵 Make America funny again 🎵
[The audience applauds and cheers as the episode fades out.]
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