The Eval Trap

Hallu, my name is Hajanyn McHamburger King and I'm gonna tell you the spoopiest storeh evar! Once upon a timmie there was an old hag that lived in a house, this lady was 2spooky4me, she had a chair that nobody would like becuz it was ugly but the lady kept it as a pet, the chair had metal spikes on the side and caused the death of over 9000 peeple. Once the old lala dieded I went to live in said house, there was nothing there except for the chair which I kept for some reason.
I decided to call it Trap since it had metal spikes and everyone that would get too close to it would suffer from torn pants in their bum, cuts on their legs and Michael Jackson syndrome. However on the 4th of March 2016, weird things started happening. Like Trap appearing on top of me while I sleep on my comfy bed… Lies, it's actually a poopy bed, it's from the 80's m8 wot do u expect? Anyways… Trap was spooking meh so I had to resort to put it outside on my backyard, but wait… I don't have a backyard, what sorcery is this?! No problem, I threw Trap into the neighbor's backyard.
Having done that, I resumed my beauty sleep… Through the night I heard strange noises, no, not the screaming of tortured kids souls coming from the neighbor's backyard, but from my crazy pet bird that wouldn't shut up. She just kept going and going and going, when she finally stopped, I went to check on the crazy bird and saw Trap standing next to the cage with the bird dieded on it, thank gawd the crazy bird was ded, I never liked her.
I went back to my room and got a good night sleep, in the morning I went to get breaksfast when I found to my horror, that there was no sugar! Do you think I can live without sugar? Impossible!! Then… I saw it… Trap was in the living room and it had an empty package of sugar while smoking weed! Without me! RIP sugar… I was so mad I tried kicking Trap, but I hurt myself, don't worry guys, I slapped it instead.
Trap got so mad it started hopping towards me, hm… Should have named it Bonnie the bonner instead. I was able to get my phone and call the social services which from the other side a fat italian plumber answered, I ordered him to send his best agent to take care of the evil Trap.
Seconds later my door was busted open by someone, he was orange, tall, and twitchy, it was Fexy the purate fex, he pointed his crooked hook at us “I'm here to take your booty m8y!”
“Fexy you came to save meh!”
“No I came to plunder your house, your kids and your wife!”
Oh no, I made a crucial mistake, it should've been Luigi answering the phone, not Mario, his fatness caused this to happen! “You will never kill me alive Fexy!”
“Fool I have a pirate crew!” He said as Mangle, Withered Foxy, Phantom Foxy, Phantom Mangle, Nightmare Foxy and Nightmare Mangle appeared.
“I have a chair!!!” I yelled as I summoned the courage to pick Trap up and throw it against the animaltronics. What followed were sounds of a rabid chair chewing the poor animatronics up, I covered my eyes as I couldn't stand the horror, and that's when I found out, the window was open… My chance to escape… 
I made a run for it, jumped out the window and landed on my face, I broke my legs but was still able to walk on my ass, I have escaped the horrible destiny that awaited me and a crazy slender homeless guy with a spazzy suit and no face came up to me asking for 20$ dollars, which I agreed to give it to him as long as he took me to a hospital.
Weeks passed since I recovered from the horror I've been through, my legs are still broken but recovering fast, I was taking a good beauty sleep when the old hag nurse spoke to me.
“Mister McHamburger? You have a visitor.”
I opened my eyes to find Trap by my side.
For the rest of my life I screamed like a fooking spaz.