Christian Conversion Camp for Muppets

Christian Conversion Camp for Muppets is the second episode of Full Server. In it, Elmo 3 is taken to a camp to make sure he isn't another demonic hell-spawn, and Pluto has a wife. That's it.
== Transcript ==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Establishing shot of the SBFW residence. Applause and cheers. Face into the kitchen where Purple is making a jelly sandwich while SpongeBot is seen pirating Channel 5 shows.]
Purple: Bot, are you breaking the law again?
SpongeBot: Indeed I am. I support piracy.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: Remember to do it responsibly. You know how Zoltan reacts when he sees criminals.
[Zoltan walks in]
Zoltan: I SMELL CRIMINAL ACTIVITY!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: How the fu-?
Zoltan: It's my criminal senses. Remember, I had to get a few charges expunged. Me and my buddy Renaud used to go around all the time and-
SpongeBot: Do pedophile stuff?
Zoltan: No. We'd huff paint.
SpongeBot: Oh, that's slightly less unsafe.
[Laugh track. Prim walks in with Elmo 3. Applause and cheers.]
Prim: Hey, Bot. We don't want this kid to end up like Elmo 2. What do we do with him?
SpongeBot: Uhh… just give him to Golf's stepbrother or something. That'll teach him some uh… moral values. (laugh track) I don't think Elmo 3 worships Satan, though I haven't seen much God in him. Maybe we should force the bible on him.
[Ned Flanders enters. More applause, more cheers.]
Ned: Howdy diddly, neighborinos. 
Purple: Ned Flanders is Golfpecks' step brother?! That explains a lot I suppose.
Ned: Indeed it does. I heard you wanted help to make this little fella learn the ways of the Lord and thought I might pop in for a good ol' neighbory conversion therapy.
Purple: Sweet!
[Laugh track.]
Bot: Well as long as it isn't Satan… sure, do your thing Ned.
Ned: How are you, little neighborino?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 doesn't care for silly religion.
Ned: S-silly?! R-religion?! Everyone knows the only right way is the way of the Lord.
[Laugh track because religion is funny.]
Zoltan: Wait, I thought we were doing an episode related to the birth of Elmo 3.
[Pluto enters.]
Pluto: I write this show, I can make any plot twists whatsoever.
Bot: And also his birth was boring as hell. I smoked my bong so many times I can't even count my toes anymore.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: You smoked a bong more times and there are toes on your foot, or did you really become illiterate?
Ned: Let's get back on track, shall we?
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Young… Elmo thing, you're going to that Christian conversion camp and that's final. We don't want you to end up like Elmo 2.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 believes it will be a waste of time. Science is the truth of the world, not silly made-up beings that supposedly create miracles that seem more coincidence than anything.
[Laugh track because religion is very funny.]
Ned: Oh egads, he's worse than I thought! Off we go, young neighborino.
[Ned and Elmo 3 go out the door and everyone is in silence.]
Pluto: So, is this a good time to say I have a wife now?
Prim: You and Panini finally tied the knot? Congrats!
[Laugh track because dragging old in-jokes into the ground is tight.]
Pluto: No, she's… (sigh) not Panini, or any animal to be exact.
SpongeBot: So, what the hell's her name anyhow?
Pluto: Hold on, it's a custom font thingy. I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't know. I think she won't approve.
Prim: Oh come on, Jess takes up like half the letters in LGBTQ-and the rest of them. How unaccepting could she be?
Pluto: Are you married to a person with a funny font name?
Prim: Uh… I don't think so.
Pluto: Then don't act like you know what you're talking about.
[Laugh track.]
Bot: So when are we going to meet the unlucky lady, or fella, then?
Pluto: I just told you, I don't know because I don't know how mom's gonna-
[Jess enters. Laugh track.]
Jess: Hey all, Jess here.
SpongeBot: Hey Jess, all here.
Jess: Ugh, that new Owl House episode I very legally watched was good.
[Zoltan suddenly re-enters.]
Zoltan: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CRIMINAL ACTIVITY?!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What's happening here?
Pluto: Uh… nothing.
Jess: You say that everytime I walk in on you all having a conversation without me.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Because it is nothing. We just saw Elmo 3 go to Christian Conversion therapy.
Jess: Elmo 3? What happened to Elmo 2?
Prim: Did you even read the last episode?
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: I think the fourth wall is broken.
Jess: It's a sitcom, (stares at the audience) there literally isn't a fourth wall to begin with.
Pluto: Don't you have to do something that people do in the Owl House that will translate into this world for some weird fucking reason?
Jess: Oh yeah! I forgot that was my only character trait in this show! See y'all later!
[Jess hurries off, laugh track. We see some pointless stock footage of scenery as we transition into Elmo 3 arriving at the conversion therapy place. Applause and cheers.]
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 still believes this conversion camp is more pointless than a circle.
Ned: Oh, don't worry little fella! God will soon show you the light and you'll be bright as day!
[Ned opens the door, revealing the one and only CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: GOD IS HERE, YOUNG HOOPLA!
[Laugh track.]
Ned: Hello, holy spirit-rino. We have a youngin here that doesn't believe in the Lord.
Elmo 3: Because this is obviously a drunk, green guy who wandered in this camp to harass kids.
CrazySponge: YOU'RE PARTIALLY GODDAMN RIGHT.
Ned: Do you know if we could sit down with one of your happy counsellor fellas? My step-brother might be here and I know he'd be more than happy to show lil Elmo here the way.
CrazySponge: counsellor? step-brother? puh-lease, if you want a god to believe in then look no further!
Elmo 3: [rolls eyes] "Puh-lease", God is merely a made-up creature created by humans who wanted an answer to why they exist. Elmo 3 knows, because all of this hocus-pocus is highly unbelievable.
CrazySponge: oh shit, this guy actually knows how to think for himself. let's change that.
Ned: W-what are you gonna do to him, God?
CrazySponge: i'm going to make him stop thinking for himself. duh.
Elmo 3: We'll see about that…
CrazySponge: okay. first lesson in closed-mindedness: believe in the lord and savior jesus christ.
Elmo 3: No.
CrazySponge: aw, come on, please?
Elmo 3: No.
CrazySponge: will you at least believe in your god, crazysp- i mean, allah hoopla?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 thinks that sounds like terrorism therefore Elmo 3 will believe.
[Laugh track because terrorism is funny.]
CrazySponge: GREAT! 
[More laugh tracks because terrorism so fucking hilarious hahahahahaha.]
CrazySponge: ...wait, terrorism?
[TERRORISM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]
Elmo 3: The next-best thing to Satan.
[WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING HAHAHA]
CrazySponge: i can't tell if you're wrong or right, so let's just go with that.
[Laugh track.]
Ned: We angered the Lord!
CrazySponge: okay how do we calm him down?
Ned: I thought you would know!
CrazySponge: no I'm just here to influence people in what i believe in.
Elmo 3: Isn't that every religion?
Ned: Shut your diddly darn mouth, Satanist.
[Laugh track because religion.]
Elmo 3: Woah, you better fucking watch your motherfucking language you bitch!
Ned: (gasp) Elmo 3! How ''dare'' you talk to your parents' friend's step-brother like that! When we get home I'm sure there will be no bible stories for you tonight!
Elmo 3: Is that supposed to be a punishment?
Ned: Just do something, CrazySponge, do something please!
CrazySponge: okay, okay! think, aidan, think, how did you get everyone to like you before they all cancelled you?! oh, right. John.! that’s it!
Ned: Who the diddly darn heck is John.?
CrazySponge: my giant pink pe…. t giraffe.
[Laugh track because innuendo.]
Ned: Isn’t that illegal in 25 different countries?
CrazySponge: hell yeah brother
[Laugh track because criminal activity makes me go haha.]
Ned: Oh, Lord. Oh, dear. I’ve been in a criminal organization the whole time. I’m going back home to pray to God.
CrazySponge: why pray to god? you’re looking at him right now.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 sees no God. Only an annoying capitalist green fish.
CrazySponge: hey i am ''not'' annoying!
Ned: Ow, my ears- I mean, yeah he ain’t annoying. Only irritating.
[Laugh track. Shot of the SBFW residence again. Cut to SpongeBot and Prim sitting on the couch watching Friends.]
TV: 🎵''So no one told you life was gonna be this way-''🎵
[Zoltan bursts through the door with a gun and shoots the TV four times, aligned with the claps of the song. Laugh track because guns are tight. Also we're stealing jokes from Family Guy now.]
SpongeBot: Hey, what was that for?
Zoltan: NO FRIENDS!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: At least we're watching stuff legally this time.
Zoltan: ZOLTAN DON'T CARE! FRIENDS ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Except Chandler… he isn't the enemy of the people.
Prim: You’re sounding a lot like Golfpecks.
Zoltan: GOLFPECKS IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
SpongeBot: I'd comment on that but honestly yeah he's kind of a prick.
Prim: Well, the TV's broken. What are we supposed to do now?
Zoltan: I sold enough families to own about 7 dollars.
Prim: Can we get anything with that?
SpongeBot: We can probably get a good amount of V-Bucks on Fortnite with that amount of money.
Prim: Forget the V-Bucks, SpongeBot. This is REAL shit.
SpongeBot: Don’t tell me you have a scat fetish too.
[Laugh track because shit’s funny.]
SpongeBot: People laugh at anything these days.
[Laugh track because it's true.]
Prim: So true!
SpongeBot: By the way, what happened to Pluto?
Prim: Oh, yeah, I forgot about him. Didn't he say he was going to sneak his wife in or something without his mom knowing?
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: ...no?
Prim: Oh. Well he must have done it during that conversion therapy shit.
Pluto: Wait, I did? Oh fuck. I gotta go.
[Pluto runs off. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Was he there the entire time?
SpongeBot: He was hiding in the closet the whole time.
Zoltan: I have more questions now.
[Laugh track because closet joke.]
SpongeBot: So, does anyone wanna watch Channel 5 on my comically small phone?
Prim: Sure, I’ll watch Channel 5 on your comically small phone.
[SpongeBot pulls her phone out, opens the My5 app and puts on an episode of Friends as the two crowd around it.]
Phone: 🎵''So no one told you life was gonna be this way-''🎵
[Pluto and his wife enter the room, bashing the door against the wall four times in rhythm to the claps of the theme song. Laugh track because doing the exact same joke twice definitely makes it funnier.]
Pluto: I'm back!
SpongeBot: Pope White Duck moment.
Prim: That was quick.
SpongeBot: So, who’s your wife?
Pluto: Fellow spouse, why don’t you introduce yourself?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Hi I’m Aly. Goodbye.
Pluto: But we just got here!
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: I have other things to do besides mess around with these SBFW users.
Pluto: You realize I’m one too right?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: … 
Prim: And that’s how a divorce was filed.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: I love the smell of divorce papers.
Prim: Wait, have you ever been married before?
SpongeBot: No, I just like to sniff things way too often. That’s why I have a drug problem.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Alright, then where do you wanna go?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Away.
Pluto: Haha, very funny. No seriously, where do you wanna go?
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: Uh I dunno, how about we just get away from here?
Pluto: Uh, okay then. Let’s go to the CEX store then.
𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3: That sounds very degenerate.
Pluto: Indeed it is, Aly, indeed it is.
[Laugh track because CEX.]
SpongeBot: Ooh, I like that place. Can I come with you guys?
[𝘼𝙡𝙮 <3 drags Pluto along with her, and they exit the room.]
SpongeBot: Did I get too horny again?
Prim: There wasn’t any bum sex involved, so I dunno.
[Laugh track because SpongeBot loves bum sex.]
SpongeBot: Speaking of sex, I wonder how our child is doing.
Prim: That’s a very weird connection to make.
[Laugh track. Cut back to Elmo 3 and the other dudes at the conversion center.]
CrazySponge: i think this calls for a montage guys. What’ll it be, drip cars or fortnite 2 beta theme?
Ned: Good thing my stepbrother isn’t here right now. He’d smash you to diddly darn smithereens.
[The wall bursts, revealing Golfpecks. Laugh track because as said in the last episode, destruction is funny.]
Golfpecks: MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY!
Ned: Golfpecks, uh, good to see you yet again?
Golfpecks: Anytime I hear my name called, I have an obligation to go there to needlessly confront them who said thy name.
Ned: I thought you were busy being productive.
Golfpecks: I was. I was busy telling people on "DisCord" how Bernie Sanders is the enemy of the people. WHICH HE IS, JUST SO YOU KNOW!
[Laugh track.]
CrazySponge: silence, foolish mortals… unless you pay me $25 bucks, then you can talk.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates capitalism.
CrazySponge: SHUT IT, CHILD!
Ned: I love capitalism, as it is connected to the one and only Lord, so I’ll give you some buckaroos, neighborino.
[Ned gives CrazySponge $25.]
CrazySponge: (counting money) thanks, ned. now I have 25 infinity + infinity dollars. now then, talk away.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates all of you.
CrazySponge: okay, the time for talking is over.
[Laugh track.]
CrazySponge: anyway i can now use cheat codes to level up this season in fortnite, so thanks for this 
Elmo 3: Wh-
CrazySponge: I SAID NO TALKING!
Ned: But we just paid you $25 to talk and now you're saying we can't! I may not agree with what the boy has to say, but at least stick to the deal.
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: uuuugggggghhhhhh fine, elmo 3, you may open and close your mouth and make sounds with it 
Elmo 3: Racism.
[Extra loud laugh track.]
CrazySponge: o
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 has no time for this tomfoolery going on. Elmo 3 has decided to join Golfpecks256 as an intern for his company, Banana Studios.
CrazySponge: WHAT? BUT I AM GOD. I COMMAND YOU TO-
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 has already made the deal with the devil.
Ned: Oh no. Why, my student has just diddlied himself to the devil.
CrazySponge: You could've just said dealt. Now your sentence sounds way worse.
Ned: No bible stories for you, young God.
[Laugh track]
CrazySponge: But I am God. I can and will smite you to-
[Producer enters scene.]
Producer: Hey, CrazySponge, can I have a word with you?
CrazySponge: Who dares talk to the almighty God?
Producer: Well, you see, you’re no longer God. There’s this guy, Luis, right? Well, he overtook your rule. You’re out.
CrazySponge: But I’ve been god for two and ½ hours! Please let me stay.
Producer: It’s final.. You’re out.
[Scene changes to show CrazySponge & Ned kicked out of the house.]
CrazySponge: Foolish mortal… I will have my revenge one of these days.
Ned: Come on, CrazySponge. Maybe this is a learning experience to not take life for granted, for it is not always what it seems to be. Sometimes you need a good boot in your butt to get things going again, you hear me?
CrazySponge: o… nah fuck that. Let’s try to get more followers.
[Laugh track. Cut back to the SBFW residence, where everyone is sitting down awkwardly.]
SpongeBot: How come we’re not doing anything?
Zoltan: Because you’re a lazy ass baguette.
SpongeBot: Hey don’t talk to your father like that.
Zoltan: Wait what the fuck
[Laugh track.]
Jess: I think I’m not caught up on the incest lore.
SpongeBot: Don’t be. It’s illegal.
Zoltan: YOU LITERALLY PIRATED SIMS 4 DLC EARLIER THIS MORNING DON’T EVEN GET STARTED WITH ME, MISS!
[Laugh track because piracy.]
[The door to the building opens, and Aly and Pluto walk inside, with bags in each of their hands.]
Aly: I must say, I’m really disappointed there wasn’t anything sexual in the fucking CEX store.
Pluto: Wrong sex, my love.
Aly: Fat chance we’ll have any tonight, by the way.
Jess: Ouch.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: So what? Virginity is cool. Stay pure.
SpongeBot: So, what did you guys get from the CEX store?
Zoltan: NO SEX!
[Laugh track.]
Aly: Psst, I think your dad’s a virgin.
Zoltan: I heard that!
SpongeBot: He should be used to it at this point.
Pluto: Wait, then were you guys adopted?
SpongeBot: Aren’t we all?
Jess: So tell us, what did you guys get at the… store?
Zoltan: Much better.
[Laugh track because no sex.]
Pluto: Well, we got Monkey Ball Banana Blitz on Nintendo Switch.
Aly: And we got this cute little keychain with some Arabic lettering on it.
SpongeBot: Hey, lemme see that.
[Aly reluctantly hands over the keychain to SpongeBot.]
SpongeBot: آمل أن تأكل مريم العذراء أعضائك التناسلية من الداخل والخارج.What the hell does that mean?
Zoltan: I dunno but it must be funny since it’s in Arabic.
Pluto: I don’t know, I think it was a good buy.
Aly: Well, uh, it was nice meeting you all, I guess. Time to go back home.
Pluto: But we haven’t even shown them the best part!
Aly: Oh, the John. plush? That’s just stupid promotion from the cardboard corporation.
SpongeBot: You’re lucky CrazySponge isn’t here right now-
CrazySponge: [appearing out of thin air] DID SOMEBODY SAY JOHN.?
Aly: Oh god it’s the guy.
Pluto: Fuck off, Aidan, you attractive-to-Roxanne buffoon.
CrazySponge: I’ll have you know that she is NOT A FURRY!
Pluto: She’s a fucking humanoid animal. Which is a furry.
Aly: I didn’t know I’d be hearing an argument over whether a character from a movie is a furry or not today. I think I better go. I’ll leave the keys under my ass, Pluto.
Pluto: Please take me with you. This house sucks.
Aly: Nope. Good day, heathens.
[She walks out of the house confidently.]
Pluto: Wait, she’s my wife. Why do we live in different houses?
SpongeBot: And why do most of us live in the same house? Huh? Did you think about that, Mr. Detective?
Pluto: Yes.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Alright, time to buy a different house for me and my wife to live in. Good day, heathens.
[Pluto walks out of the house the exact same way Aly did.]
Zoltan: Who else but Pluto amirite?
SpongeBot: Shut up, dad.
[Prim walks in.]
Prim: Hey everyone, where’s Elmo 3?
[Luis barges in after him, holding Elmo 3 in his hands.]
Luis: TAKE HIM. TAKE HIM BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Who the fuck are you? I’ve kinda lost track of this family tree.
Luis: I’m God. Who else would I be?
Prim: Uh… the mailman?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 hates the mailman.
Luis: Hilarious. Anyway, [puts Elmo 3 into Prim’s hands] please just take him already. My POBA team needs me, and I won’t let this demon spawn get in the way of that.
SpongeBot: Did you at least convert him to Christianity?
[Luis says nothing.]
SpongeBot: Hello?
[Luis leaves and shuts the door.]
Zoltan: Pff… welp.
SpongeBot: You’re not helping, dad.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 wants to punch God in the face.
SpongeBot: Well that’s a start. What do you want for lunch, Elmo 3?
Elmo 3: Elmo 3 wants the spawn of hell barbecued.
SpongeBot: Prim, go dig up Elmo 2’s ashes!
[Laugh track as episode ends.]
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