New First Lady

New First Lady is the sixth episode of season six, and the sixty-fourth episode overall, No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on March 31, 2022. 
==Plot==
Mr. Biden breaks up with Mrs. Biden.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins in the Oval Office. Mr. Biden is at his desk, snoring, when Mrs. Biden walks over.] 
Mrs. Biden: JOSEPH R. BIDEN! What are you doing, sleeping on the job?! Do you know how many innocent people have survived as a result of you sleeping instead of doing your job?! 
Mr. Biden: [wakes up] Jill, I can’t always be bombing civilians all day long. I have to be in the mood to do it. 
Mrs. Biden: Oh, it’s always about what you want. What about my pleasure? I have needs too, you know! 
[Mr. Banana walks in.] 
Mrs. Biden: Mr. Banana, would you tell him that I’m right! 
Mr. Banana: I don’t know Jill, I think Joe has a point. Life can’t all be about blowing up people. You need to strike a balance between committing war crimes and committing sex crimes. 
Mrs. Biden: Ugh, you people are ridiculous! It feels like I’m the only one with sense in this administration! 
Mr. Biden: Jack, you never stop complaining! I don’t even know why I married you in the first place! 
Mrs. Biden: You married me so that you could cover up your relationship with underage girls! 
Mr. Biden: Well, maybe I shouldn’t have! [he glances at a framed photograph of Mr. Pineapple] I can’t keep living a lie…I need to come out who I really am. 
[Cut to outside the White House. Mr. Biden is holding a press briefing.] 
Mr. Biden: Attention, everybody…I have a very important announcement to make. I am divorcing Jill Biden. 
[The audience gasps.] 
Mr. Biden: Indeed. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. Biden, this will be the first time a president has lacked a First Lady in quite some time. Aren’t you encroaching on family values by embracing a single life? 
Mr. Biden: Don’t worry. I have plans to hook up with someone new. And trust me, this lady is way hotter than our precious First Lady. 
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple.] 
Mr. Biden: So will you do it? 
Mr. Pineapple: NO, I AM NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU PEDOPHILIC WAR CRIMINAL?! 
Mr. Biden: Aw come on, don’t be like that, Ms. Pineapple! Just think of how much fun we’d have! 
Mr. Pineapple: What fun could I possibly have being the First Lady? I’d be married to a corpse, I’d live in the presidential office of the imperial core-I’d live in the presidential office of the imperial core…with access to all the nuclear weapons…You know what, I changed my mind. Of course I’ll marry you! 
Mr. Biden: Then it’s settled! You’ll be the new First Lady! 
Mr. Pineapple: GREAT! Now, why don’t you show me a tour of the White House, starting with the nuclear weapons room? 
Mr. Biden: WAIT! 
Mr. Pineapple: What, what is it? 
Mr. Biden: You’re a minor! I can’t marry you! 
Mr. Pineapole: [disappointed] Oh. 
Mr. Biden: Without asking your parents for permission!
[Mr. Pineapple Sr., a purple fish wearing a top hat and an eyeglass walks in. He is followed by his wife, Mrs. Pineapple, a pineapple wearing sunglasses.]
Mr. Biden: Mr. Pineapple, Mrs. Pineapple. What a pleasure to finally meet you. You know, I’ve gotta say, your daughter is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. 
Mr. Pineapple Sr.: Well I’m glad to hear you say that. You know, it’s not often you often find men with traditional values such as yourself these days. You know, most men, they want to wait until a girl turns 18. 
[The scene then cuts to Mr. Banana, who is walking through the White House, mumbling to himself.]
Mr. Banana: “Oh, let’s bring over Ms. Pineapple’s parents! I’ve gotta ask them for their permission to marry their daughter!”. What a bunch of BS. They’re probably a bunch of no good lazy communist deg-
[Suddenly he stops once he sees them, his eyes widening.] 
Mr. Banana: Is that…a FRUIT?! 
[Suddenly his girthy banana cock springs up. He grins, running over.] 
Mr. Banana: NICE TO MEET YOU, MRS. PINEAPPLE! 
[He quickly shakes her hand, then whispers into her ear.]
Mr. Banana: You know…I bet I could please you far better than that purple fella over there. 
Mrs. Pineapple: No thanks, I’m not into uncircumcised men. 
Mr. Banana: No worries!
[Mr. Banana then rips off his peel. His banana flesh then turns red.]
Mr. Banana: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! LORD NEPTUNE, IT HURTS SO BAD! HOW IS IT LEGAL TO DO THIS TO CHILDREN?!
[He then falls to the floor, crying. Mr. Biden and Mr. Pineapple Sr. glance at each other.]
Mr. Pineapple, Sr.: …Anyway, as I was saying, you have my full permission to marry my daughter! 
Mrs. Pineapple: Oh, this is so exciting! Our daughter is getting married! Oh, it feels like just yesterday she was born. 
[The scene cuts to Bikini Bottom Hospital. Mrs. Pineapple is sitting on the hospital toilet.] 
Doctor: TRY HARDER! 
Mrs. Pineapple: I’m trying as hard as I can, doc!
[Suddenly a splash can be heard, clearly indicating that something just popped out of her ass.] 
Mrs. Pineapple: I did it! 
[She gets up and looks down into the toilet.] 
Mrs. Pineapple: Oh, nevermind, that’s just shit. 
[She sits back down on the toilet, straining harder. Another splashing noise can be heard. She gets up and looks into the toilet again.] 
Mrs. Pineapple: I did it! 
[She reaches into the toilet, taking out a pineapple covered in shit.] 
Doctor: MRS. PINEAPPLE! Do you have any idea how unsanitary that is?! Here, let me, a professional, handle it. 
[The doctor grabs the pineapple from her, licking all the shit off it.] 
Doctor: There! Sanitized! 
[Suddenly the pineapple cracks open, revealing a baby inside it.] 
Mrs. Pineapple: [tears up] I c-can’t believe it...I’m a mother now. There’s nothing more I’ve ever wanted in the world...to have someone I can commit tax fraud against! 
Doctor: Yep, and the best part is now we have some delicious pineapple to eat! 
[The doctor then chops off the baby’s arm.] 
Doctor: Oops, I cut the wrong thing. 
[Cut back to the White House.] 
Mrs. Pineapple: Ah, birth truly is a beautiful thing. 
Mr. Pineapple, Sr.: So when are you planning on having the wedding? 
Mr. Biden: TODAY!
[Cut to the wedding ceremony.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Damn, I look good in a dress. You know, not quite as good as I look in a dog fursuit, but still pretty good! 
Mr. Renaud: Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace. 
[Mr. Banana gets up out of his chair.] 
Mr. Banana: I object! Mr. Pineapple literally nuked the entire country! He can’t be trusted in the White House! Even worse, he’s a musician! 
Mr. Biden: Shut up, Mr. Banana! 
[Mr. R’Onion stands up.] 
Mr. R’Onion: I also object. Travis is already a congressman, a lawyer, and a domestic terrorist. How on earth is he supposed to keep up with his schoolwork if he’s First Lady as well? He’s gonna fall incredibly behind! 
[Tom raises his hand.] 
Mr. Renaud: What’s your objection, Tom? 
Tom: Uh, yeah, that person is a child. 
Mr. Renaud: I don’t see your point. 
Mr. Putin: [turns to Mr. Pepperchicken] I’m surprised you don’t object. I thought you were against gay marriage. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t be ridiculous, Vladimir. [points at Mr. Pineapple] That’s clearly a woman! 
Mr. Putin: Are you sure it’s not just a guy with long hair? 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I dunno, let me ask their parents. [turns over to Mrs. Pineapple] Hey, is your kid a boy or a girl? 
Mrs. Pineapple: I’m not sure, I don’t really pay attention to them most of the time. But I’m pretty sure they’re a girl. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Good enough for me! 
Mr. Putin: Well this wedding ceremony better end soon! I need to go commit more war crimes in Ukraine! 
Mr. Renaud: Mr. Biden, do you take Ms. Pineapple to be your unlawfully wedded wife? 
Mr. Biden: I do. 
Mr. Renaud: Ms. Pineapple, do you take Mr. Biden to be your unlawfully wedded husband? 
Mr. Pineapple: As long as I get access to the nuclear weapons room! 
Mr. Renaud: [turns to Mr. Biden] You may now kiss the child bride. 
Mr. Pineapple: Oh no, I forgot this was a part of it. 
[Mr. Biden kisses Mr. Pineapple. The scene then cuts to the White House, later that night.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Alright, now that we’re married, why don’t you show me that nuclear weapons room? 
Mr. Biden: Actually, I had something else in mind. 
[cut to Mr. Biden’s bedroom] 
Mr. Biden: Alright, let’s get this show on the road!
[Mr. Biden grins, spreading Mr. Pineapple’s legs.] 
Mr. Biden: Lord Neptune, Ms. Pineappe! That’s gotta be the tightest pussy I’ve ever seen! Don’t worry though. I’ll find a way to fit myself in. 
Mr. Pineapple: Wait, wait, hold on a- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple sitting in the kitchen, clearly traumatized. Suddenly Mr. Biden enters the room.] 
Mr. Biden: Say, Ms. Pineapple, why don’t you say we go for another round? 
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. [stands up] I’m divorcing you. Not even killing countless innocent civilians is worth this! 
[Mr. Pineapple storms out the door.] 
Mr. Biden: No, wait! We can work this out! Aw, come on, Jack! 
[The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:2020s
Category:2022
Category:Episodes
Category:2022 Episodes