GORT BARADA NICTO COVER-UP ENDS!

The world’s leading authority on Krell died recently. Dr. Edward Brinton, a Scripps Institute research biologist, was one of the only persons who had studied the Krell, natives of the planet Altair IV. Despite being far more advanced than Earth, the Krell mysteriously died in a single night 200,000 years ago, yet their 9,200 thermonuclear reactors had been operating and self-repairing since their extinction.
No, wait….. Brinton was an authority on the Krill, small, shrimp-like crustaceans that whales, fish, birds and other animals like to eat, not the Krell who were the advanced civilization I described and prominently featured in the 1956 documentary, Forbidden Planet. That classic film was notable for its Oscar-nominated special effects, groundbreaking use of an all-electronic music score, and Leslie Nielsen (pre–Detective Frank Drebin of Naked Gun) as a grim commander of a spaceship crew on a mission to Altair IV to learn if members of a previous expedition died as the result of the polymer-derived zirconium silicate composite Toyota accelerator sticking to the floor mat of the previous mission’s starship.
Nielsen as Commander John Adams, son of the late Commander John Quincy Adams, confronts the last remaining survivor of Altairus, Dr. Irving Morbius, who is clueless why no one else remains on the planet except for him and his nubile daughter Altaira [a/k/a “Alta” Kocker]. Adams is certain he knows the fate of the previous mission, and why Alta, who’s never seen a man other than her father, has an unhealthy relationship with a male tiger:
Commander Adams: Monsters from the subconscious. Of course! That’s what Doc meant, Morbius. The big machine, 8,000 miles of klystron relays, enough power for a whole population of creative geniuses, operated by remote control, Morbius, operated by the electromagnetic impulses of individual Krell brains.
Dr. Morbius: To what purpose?
Commander Adams: In return, that ultimate machine would instantaneously project solid matter to any point on the planet, in any shape or color they might imagine. For any purpose, Morbius! Creation by mere thought.
Dr. Morbius: Why haven’t I seen this all along? '
I was reminded of this informative exchange after recently reading that Britain’s Ministry of Defense declassified previously top-secret files with more than 6,000 pages of UFO sightings, including reports of “flying Toblerones,” [actual quote] humungous triangular spaceships coated in Swiss Dark Chocolate impervious to high space temperatures because of extra-strength paraffin coating.
One report was of a funeral director who reported feeling physically sick after his car was enveloped by a “tube of light.” After exposure the man’s body also developed a skin condition, which employees at his funeral home immediately concealed with chemical solvents, Clearasil, and cosmetics before stuffing his torso in an eco-friendly cardboard coffin, the advertised special that week.
Another report contained details of a man who claimed a Toblerone-shaped UFO left a ‘silky-white’ substance “which he collected in a jam jar” [actual quote] and entered in the Yorkshire County Fair.
Unfortunately, nobody in Britain seems to take UFO stories seriously, just like the narrow minded and secretive U.S. Air Force. None other than Winston Churchill once wrote an exasperated memorandum to Lord Cherwell, Secretary of State for Air [actual title], asking “What does all this stuff about flying saucers amount to? What can it mean? What is the truth? What are you wearing? Let me have a report at your convenience.”
Lord Cherwell, in his August 9, 1952 response memo, wrote that flying saucers could be explained by several possible causes: “meteorological phenomenon; mistaken identification for conventional aircraft, balloons, and birds; optical illusion; and deliberate hoaxes. The most credible explanation,” Lord Cherwell concluded, were “interplanetary forces intent on destroying Earth, but consistently assigned lengthy holding patterns by air traffic control causing the extraterrestrial aircraft to circle endlessly after losing their landing spots.”
Frankly, it’s high time our country acknowledges the obvious: that we’re not the only ones in the Universe. The quicker we establish a governmental Department for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs, the quicker the public will come to terms with the certainty of being kidnapped to other planets, and the sooner we can turn our attention to other Extraordinary Occurrences, like Congress passing a bill.
[Actual end.]