Transcript:Life in a Corner, Part 1

THE ONCE AND FUTURE NERD - Book 1 - PRINCES OF IORDEN
 Chapter 2 - "Life in a Corner"
 Audio Play by Zach Glass & Christian T. Madera
EPISODE ONE:
 Int. The Bloody Rat - Middle of the Night 
 NARRATOR
 Aerona Regan had just had five men she didn’t know try
 to kill her, and survived with the help of one man, one
 elf, one woman, and three children whom she also did
 not know. Also some flaming brandy. Sadly, this was not
 nearly as surprising to her as the news her new
 acquaintances brought.
 REGAN
 I’m a fucking princess?
 BRENNEN
 More than a princess. Sole heir to the High Throne.
 REGAN
 And this is the first time anyone thought to let me
 know?
 BRENNEN
 Don’t play the child. You understand legitimacy.
 REGAN
 Yeah. It means I grew up hungry just because someone
 didn’t wanna admit to his friends where he’d been
 sticking his royal cock.
 BRENNEN
 Mind your filthy tongue.
 REGAN
 Or what? I’m royalty, right?
 YLLOWYYN
 Part of being royalty is acting as becomes your title.
 REGAN
 Go fuck yourself, splinter-pole. Oh wait, that wasn’t
 very ladylike. Excuse me. Hark! Verily I hereby decree
 that you all shall fuck yourselves. How’s that?
 YLLOWYYN
 (TO BRENNEN)
 You’re certain she’s the one?
 REGAN
 I’m gonna need that decree honored if you want me to
 believe this story you’re telling.
 BRENNEN
 I’m offering you a new life. You’ll want for nothing.
 REGAN
 Sorry, not buying it. Who says wherever you take me
 half the city guard isn’t waiting for me?
 BRENNEN
 I’ve only my word to offer.
 NARRATOR
 In Regan’s experience, a man offering her only his word
 invariably intended to rob her blind and murder her.
 With a look of contempt, she rose to leave.
 NIA
 It must be exhausting, sister. Always waiting for the
 next betrayal. Come with us, and look over your
 shoulder just long enough to find out if the General
 speaks true. Stay, and look over your shoulder for the
 rest of your life.
 NARRATOR As Regan weighed Nia’s words, she saw, with a tinge of regret, a wasted, charred piece of meat on the floor, her table knife still protruding from it. And next to it, with much more regret, she saw a steak she didn’t finish.
 REGAN
 Let’s say I go along with this. I’d have to pop out
 some noble asshole’s shitty kids, right?
 BRENNEN
 Not immediately. But, for the Th’ar lo-Hyyl to protect
 your rule throughout your life, yes. You would need to
 produce an heir.
 REGAN
 Fuck that.
 BRENNEN
 Think of the influence you would have.
 NIA
 Queen Dagmar, peaceful be her rest, did a great deal of
 charity in this very city. Educating and feeding the
 unfortunate. Children like yourself.
 REGAN
 If they’re willing to suckle the royal tit for a few
 little drops, they’re not like me.
 YLLOWYYN
 Then think of power. You’re the kind who takes rather
 than asks. I can tell. And by yourself, you’ve taken a
 modest little living, down in this gods-forsaken hole.
 Imagine what you could take with a few thousand swords
 at your command.
 NARRATOR
 Regan was beginning to recognize the appeal of this
 offer when Yllowyyn was startled by a sound too faint
 for his companions to hear.
 YLLOWYYN
 Someone’s coming! Armed men, about a score.
 REGAN
 Fuck! City guard. Was this the plan, assholes?! Keep
 me talking until they showed up?
 NIA
 If we had planned this, why would the elf warn you they
 were coming?
 BRENNEN
 Everyone remain calm. The King’s Crest will stay the
 city guard.
 REGAN
 Good idea. Why don’t you just walk over and talk to
 them.
 NARRATOR
 Brennen appeared to have misunderstood Regan’s sarcasm,
 as he strode to the door expecting just such a
 conversation. The guards initiated conversation by
 lobbing an incendiary device at the door of the tavern.
 The fire spread rapidly, igniting the sawdust that
 covered the floor.
 BILLY
 Holy shit! Fire!
 BRENNEN
 Behind the bar! Get beer!
 BILLY
 Your plan is to start drinking?!
 BRENNEN
 For the fire, you idiot! Gods damnit, where did Regan
 go?
 NELSON
 Places like this always have a trap door or a secret
 exit or something. I bet the rogue snuck out.
 JEN
 Dammit Nelson! This isn’t one of your games! These
 aren’t characters, that’s a real fire and we’re all
 really going to die!
 NIA
 Galadon’s mercy...the boy was right! Everyone, climb in
 here!
 Int. Underground Aqueduct - 
 A Minute Later
 NARRATOR
 There was indeed a trap door, located in the floor
 behind the bar. Billy jumped in, feet-first, without
 regard to what lay within. I suppose he assumed that
 nothing could be worse than the fire above. In fact,
 many things lurking in the sewers of Armstrungard were
 much, much worse than the fire, but luckily, only one
 of them was present in this sewer at this moment...
 Jen and Nelson followed clumsily. Nia, being more
 practical, noticed a ladder carved into the wall of the
 trench and climbed down. Yllowwyn, always pleased to
 demonstrate the superior physical prowess of elves,
 leapt into the sewage with unbelievable gracefulness.
 Brennen landed heavily, and then reached up to close
 the trap door behind them.
 BRENNEN
 Is everyone alright?
 REGAN (O.S.) How’d they like the King’s Crest?
 PARTY [STARTLED GASP]
 NARRATOR
 The aforementioned thing lurking in the sewer emerged
 from the shadows carrying a mud-crusted bedroll.
 An explosion from above shook the tunnel.
 REGAN
 That’ll be the the last of this year’s brandy going up
 in flame, so I guess the gods really are dead.
 BILLY
 Were you gonna tell us about that trap door?!
 REGAN
 I still wasn’t convinced you hadn’t called in the
 cavalry on me. Plus, I figured you probably couldn’t
 lead me to "a lifetime of wealth" if you couldn’t
 survive a dance with the city guard.
 YLLOWYYN
 You’re quick to accuse the city guard, yet you never
 saw our attackers.
 REGAN
 Burning down a whole building on the off chance I’m in
 it? Gotta be city guard.
 BILLY
 Man, I thought Philly cops were pricks.
 NELSON
 You thought Philly cops were pricks?
 REGAN
 (TO BRENNEN)
 If I wanted to check out your story, where would I be
 headed?
 BRENNEN
 Castle Guernatal. And no one else knows who you are, so
 you’ll need us to accompany you.
 A BEAT.
 REGAN
 Guess we should get moving then.
 NARRATOR
 With that, Regan turned and strode confidently down the
 dim tunnel. Actually, "strode" may be too strong a
 word, as the height of the ceiling demanded a fair
 amount of stooping and shuffling. Still, Regan was
 substantially more surefooted than those in the group
 not practiced in the art of sneaking through sewers.
 NIA
 Do that many people really want you dead?
 REGAN
 The bounty on my head usually changes between
 substantial and obscene. I’d guess it’s on the upswing
 right now.
 YLLOWYYN
 Ah, but city guardsmen can’t collect a bounty, can
 they?
 REGAN
 Not according to the law.
 YLLOWYYN
 Precisely my point.
 NIA
 I think she’s implying that they collect bounties
 anyway.
 YLLOWYYN
 Lawmen breaking the law? That would be perverse and
 repugnant.
 REGAN SCOFFS.
 REGAN
 I take it none of you knows anywhere we could hide out
 for a while, huh? The road would be a bad idea for now.
 BRENNEN
 As a matter of fact, I may. Can you get us out on the
 east side of the city?
 REGAN
 Shouldn’t be a problem.
 NELSON
 Do people try to kill you every day?
 REGAN
 No one upstairs knows what I look like, unless an
 asshole like the late Keith Kelly decides to point me
 out. Most don’t.
 NELSON
 Ooooh, I bet you’re the leader of some kind of guild of
 rogues, right? Honor among thieves?
 REGAN
 I don’t know what you heard about thieves’ honor, kid,
 but I’m still alive because everyone knows what happens
 when you fuck with me.
 Int. Arlene’s bedchambers - Just After Dawn
 NARRATOR
 Our story will now take a brief interlude back to
 Castle Guernatal. Arlene Redmoor, the sister of Lord
 Ardel Redmoor, was resting in her modest bedchamber. Of
 course, by "modest," I mean that the gold therein could
 have fed the underworld of Armstrungard for a mere
 three months.
 Arlene stared out her depressingly narrow window with
 concern at a thin pillar of smoke on the horizon. Gwen,
 her handmaiden, entered the room, carrying breakfast on
 a tray.
 GWEN
 Your breakfast, m’lady.
 ARLENE
 Thank you, Gwen. You can set it down over there. Remind
 we what I ordered.
 GWEN
 Quail’s eggs, toasted bread with honey, and boiled oats
 with cream, m’lady.
 NARRATOR
 Arlene smiled warmly at Gwen. In fact, all signs of her
 previous brooding had vanished when Gwen arrived.
 ARLENE
 Funny that I would order quails eggs. I’ve never liked
 them.
 NARRATOR
 The smile which Gwen returned to her lady was of a more
 mischievous variety. It became downright cheeky as Gwen
 plucked a quail egg from the tray and popped it into
 her own mouth.
 ARLENE
 Come. Sit.
 (WHISPERS)
 Have you heard anything?
 GWEN
 (WHISPERS)
 I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if you hadn’t
 told me to listen, but I overheard from Helga in the
 kitchen--
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS) --Helga?
 GWEN
 (WHISPERS)
 Sorry, m’lady. She is handmaiden to Arabella Corelan.
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS)
 The daughter of the court philosopher?
 GWEN
 (WHISPERS)
 The same, m’lady. Helga says Maid Corelan, the poor
 dear, has been plagued with nightmares as of late.
 Something about soldiers.
 ARLENE
 (WHISPERS)
 See if you hear any more about Lord Corelan.
 (NORMAL VOLUME)
 Thank you, Gwen.
 GWEN
 I live to serve m’lady.
 NARRATOR
 The formality of her words was for the benefit of
 potential eavesdroppers, but the gentle touch of Gwen’s
 hair and the small kiss on her forehead were for the
 benefit of the two women alone.
 Ext. Briarhelm Vineyard - Late Morning
 NARRATOR
 Our party of travelers had by this point escaped from
 the tunnels and the city of Armstrugard without
 detection. A light snow fell on their heads as they
 strolled down a narrow path between two fields, barren
 for the winter.
 YLLOWYYN
 (TO BRENNEN)
 You say your friend owns these lands?
 BRENNEN
 A man I knew in the army. He was the owner when last I
 was in Armstrungard.
 YLLOWYYN
 And if he is no longer the owner?
 BRENNEN
 We’ll very politely explain our right to commandeer
 property to the new owners. One way or another, we need
 to stay out of sight for a few days.
 NARRATOR
 As they traveled, our group naturally tended to
 segregate themselves, as Nelson, Jen, and Billy lagged
 behind the rest of the group. This was partially due to
 the fact that, as much as Jen and Billy considered
 themselves "athletes", this claim was proving
 increasingly ill-founded. Nelson never made any claim
 to physical prowess. It was also due to Jen’s
 disinclination to be anywhere near Aerona Regan.
 (SOUND MIXER: DURING THIS NEXT PASSAGE, THE KIDS
 SHOULD TEND TOWARDS ONE AUDIO CHANNEL AND THE
 GROWNUPS TOWARDS THE OTHER.)
 NELSON
 So I’ve been thinking about party roles and how our
 arrangement is not ideal.
 JEN
 Nelson, what part of our situation is ideal?
 NELSON
 Ideally the party would have exactly one of each role.
 REGAN
 (TO BRENNEN)
 You sure you can trust this friend of yours?
 NELSON
 Brennen is clearly the Paladin...
 BRENNAN
 He is loyal. Nearly to a fault.
 NELSON
 ...Regan is the rogue...
 REGAN
 Dogs are loyal, until someone else dangles a bigger
 slab of meat in front of them.
 NELSON
 ...Nia is the cleric...
 NIA
 You know, if you want to have any kind of a good life,
 at some point you’ll need to put faith in something.
 BILLY
 ...Nelson, what the hell are you babbling about?
 REGAN Well you keep worrying about a good life, preacher-lady. I’ll worry about keeping my life.
 NELSON
 ...And Yllowyyn is the ranger.
 YLLOWYYN
 Even if you’ve no concern for honor or dignity,
 foresight is advantageous.
 BILLY
 Is there a point you’re trying to make here?
 REGAN
 Foresight? I’m the only one here without a whole bunch
 of bullshit about "honor" and "duty" clouding my eyes.
 NELSON
 Yeah. Billy, your fighting style is clearly going to be
 based on physical strength...
 BILLY
 Damn straight. Wait, what?
 NELSON
 ...because it’s not gonna be based on intelligence.
 NELSON
 But Brennen is already the physical fighter.
 BRENNEN
 Are you so willing to dismiss the cornerstones of
 civilization?
 REGAN
 No, Brennen. I’m willing to dismiss civilization.
 NELSON
 And I’m clearly predisposed to magic, but Nia does
 magic.
 NIA
 Without civilization man reverts to his beast-like
 instincts.
 REGAN
 Beast-like? A hound fucks a bitch without shame, and
 then sticks around to help feed the litter. Men could
 use some more beast-like instincts.
 NELSON
 Though I suppose if need be I could focus on dark
 magic.
 NIA
 Don’t joke about such things, child!
 NELSON
 And Jen, I really have no idea what your role is in all
 this. Your agility and overly-revealing outfit kind of
 peg you as a rogue.
 JEN
 You told me to wear this outfit.
 NELSON
 Good point. You’re not really as self-reliant as most
 rogues.
 BILLY
 Why don’t I self-rely your teeth into your throat, you
 little--
 REGAN
 --All that outfit marks her as is an easy kill.
 NARRATOR
 The blunt assessment of Jen’s mortality struck the
 three children hard, especially Jen herself. After a
 tense moment of silence, Jen stormed off ahead of the
 group.
 BILLY
 Honey...
 (BACK AT THE GROUP)
 What the fuck is wrong with you people?
 NARRATOR
 Billy ran after Jen. Yllowyyn moved to follow--
 (SOUND MIXER: CONVERSATION SHOULD NOW BE SEPARATED
 INTO NIA/NELSON, BRENNEN/REGAN/YLLOWYYN, AND
 BILLY/JEN.)
 BRENNEN
 --Let them go. But keep them in sight.
 (TO REGAN)
 Was that necessary?
 REGAN
 What? It’s shitty armor.
 BRENNEN
 Have you no heart at all? The girl’s terrified of you.
 BILLY
 Don’t let her get to you, babe. She’s probably just on
 the rag.
 JEN
 She almost killed me!
 REGAN
 Why? I didn’t even cut her.
 BRENNEN
 She’s not like us, you can’t just--
 REGAN
 -Woah there, Grandpa. What "us?" I’m not anything like
 you.
 NIA
 (TO NELSON)
 You’re not very close with your traveling companions.
 NELSON
 They’re not really my companions, we just kinda wound
 up together.
 NIA
 They don’t treat you very kindly, do they?
 NELSON
 Jen’s okay on her own, but if Billy gets on a roll she
 doesn’t do much to stop him.
 BILLY
 I was right there, Jenny. I wasn’t gonna let anything--
 JEN
 --Billy stop. Just leave it be, okay?
 BRENNEN
 You and I don’t take every blade at our throats
 personally. Most people do.
 REGAN
 Most people are badly mistaken about what kind of world
 we live in.
 BRENNEN
 And why does that bother you so?
 Ext. Briarhelm Farmhouse - Around Noon
 NARRRATOR
 The remainder of the trip passed in a rather awkward
 silence. Eventually, the group reached their
 destination, which turned out to be a large, run-down
 farmhouse. One of my friend sprites insists that this
 particular farm house was once beautiful and
 prosperous. Its present state led me to believe this
 friend is a liar.
 REGAN
 Well, well, well. The king’s man knows how to slum it.
 Not for anything, General, but this doesn’t seem like
 any place to bring a princess.
 SOUND: THREE FIRM KNOCKS ON A WOODEN DOOR
 BOWEN BRIARHELM (50’S) HAS THE ACCENT WE’D
 ASSOCIATE WITH WALES.
 BOWEN
 (BEHIND AN OPENING DOOR)
 I told you, gods damn you, after the next harvest--
 NARRATOR
 The bellowing voice, it turns out, belonged to the
 owner of the farm, a man by the name of Bowen
 Briarhelm. Briarhelm had been fit...once. He had been
 wealthy, once. He had been drinking, recently. He had
 arrived at the door wielding a woodcutter’s ax. Upon
 seeing Brennen, he lowered the weapon...although he did
 not loosen his grip on the handle.
 BRENNEN
 Good morning, Captain Briarhelm.
 BOWEN
 Oh, Garedien bugger me.
 Int. Briarhelm Farmhouse Dining Room - A Few Minutes Later 
 NARRATOR
 The group soon found themselves seated around a cracked
 table in the farmhouse. There were not enough seats for
 everyone, so Briarhelm stood in a corner.
 BOWEN
 When I prayed last night, I swore I’d rather see anyone
 at my door than another tax collector. I guess I lied.
 YLLOWYYN
 Have you no sense of duty to the realm?
 BRENNEN
 (TO YLLOWYYN)
 Leave this to me, Kalth’yr.
 (TO BOWEN)
 We are sorry to impose on you like this. We have coin
 to compensate you for the use of your property. And if
 you are having trouble with your debts--
 BOWEN
 You’ll pay exactly what I’d charge a boarder, no less,
 no more. Piss on your charity, Brennen. You can stay in
 the barn.
 BILLY
 A barn? You’re shittin’ me.
 BRENNEN
 (TO BILLY, STEELY)
 Shut up.
 (TO BOWEN)
 Do you still keep an armory?
 BOWEN
 I don’t maintain most of it, but yes.
 BRENNEN
 We’d like to purchase some of your arms as well, to
 train my squires here.
 NELSON
 Wait, for real?!
 BOWEN
 You have girl squires now?
 BRENNEN
 Camp followers.
 NARRATOR
 Briarhelm weighed his incredulity at this statement
 against his history with Brennen.
 BOWEN
 Let me go fetch the armory key.
 SOUND: BOWEN PLODS UP SOME CREAKY STAIRS
 NIA
 I thought you said he was your friend.
 BRENNEN
 I said I knew him in the army. Everyone out. Meet me by
 the barn. We’ll not be ungracious guests.
 BILLY
 (UNDER HIS BREATH)
 Fuck this, man. At least you get a mattress in
 Pennsylvania.
 NARRATOR
 Billy’s protests aside, the group trudged out. As the
 rest of the group left the room, Brennen pulled Regan
 back for a private word with her.
 BRENNEN
 (QUIETLY, TO REGAN)
 All things considered, I think it’s best if Captain
 Briarhelm--
 REGAN
 --I don’t care what you tell your little friend there,
 Brennen. As long as nobody else finds out I’m here, we
 don’t have a problem.
 NARRATOR
 Regan left, and Brennen returned from upstairs.
 BOWEN
 I don’t believe for a second that they’re squires and
 camp followers.
 BRENNEN
 Bowen--
 BOWEN
 Save your breath. King’s secrets, I know. But if
 there’s any more trouble here, it will ruin me. If any
 trouble is going to find them...If what we’ve been
 through together means anything to you, tell me now.
 NARRATOR
 The two men stared at each other for quite some time,
 as Brennen considered the best way to lie to the man
 whose history did in fact mean something to him.
 BRENNEN
 There’s nothing to worry about.
 A BEAT.
 BOWEN
 Good. I can give you the barn for a week. Then I need
 to make preparations for planting.
 BRENNEN
 That will be fine.
 BOWEN
 My armory’s in the cellar behind the house. Here’s the
 key.
 BRENNEN
 Thank you, Bowen.
END OF EPISODE ONE.
Category:Episode Transcripts