The Principal and the Pauper/Quotes

:Superintendent Chalmers: Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!
:Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
:Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
:Willie: It's my twentieth year, too.
:Chalmers: [rolling his eyes] The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.
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:Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together.
:Miss Hoover: It's your funeral.
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:[Bart hums while putting miniature American flags on "meatballs" made of dog food]
:Marge: Bart? Why are you doing that?
:Bart: Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days.
:Marge: Uh huh, that explains the flags. What about the dog food?
:Bart: My theory is, Skinner likes dog food.
:Marge [annoyed murmur]: Let's bake him a cake.
:Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls! Mmm... [Homer eats the meatballs made of dog food]
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:Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
:Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
:Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
:Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
:Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
:Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.
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:Homer: [In his mind, after Skinner says he's a fraud] Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.
:
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:Skinner/Armin: I'm... an imposter! That man is the real Seymour Skinner! [everyone gasps]
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:Real Skinner: You've led quite the life, Tamzarian.
:Skinner/Armin: It's your life. I've just been keeping it warm for you. Oh, I almost forgot. Your pocket watch. [gives it back to Sgt. Skinner] Mother's picture is still inside. Take good care of her.
:Real Skinner: I'll wind her everyday.
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:Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
:[everyone gasps while Bart laughs]
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:Skinner/Armin: But they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
:Real Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp I was sold to China for slave labor. Since '77, I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Wuhan.
:Marge: That's not a funny story.
:Real Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there. Anyway, the U.N. shut down the sweatshop last week, all captured soldiers were sent home, and here I am.
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:Chalmers: Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal?
:Real Skinner: Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified.
:Chalmers: Good enough.
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:Skinner/Armin: (regarding Agnes) Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me.
:Real Skinner: That's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin.
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:Skinner/Armin: They gave me a choice — jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Now of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.
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:Real Skinner: I must say, in many ways Springfield really beats the old slave-labor camp.
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:Skinner/Armin: (in monotonous voice) Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capitol City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six. Count 'em. Six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and catcalls. Yowza, yowza.
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:Agnes Skinner: I have no son!
:Homer: Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
:Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!
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:Skinner/Armin: So uh, should I sign my original name?
:Apu: Just put an "X" and call yourself whatever the hell you want!
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:Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new principal Skinner... principal Seymour Skinner!... [The audience is confused, he then points to Sgt. Skinner] Uh, him.
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:Lisa: A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
:Bart: Not if you called 'em Stenchblossoms.
:Homer: Or Crapweeds.
:Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen Crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
:Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops.
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:Edna: Hello ladies, is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner?
:Marge: And have 10 items or less.
:Edna: [Tossing out items] 12, 11, 10, the man's a weenie!
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:Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
:Edna: Capital City.
:Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
:Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
:Homer: And why is Marge here?
:Marge: I came up with the idea.
:Homer: And why am I here?
:Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
:Homer: Why are the kids here?
:Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
:Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
:Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
:[Jasper looks at Abe]
:Homer: Uh, fair enough.
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: [Agnes, Grandpa, Jasper, Edna, and the Simpson family arrive at the Ritz-Carlton Home for Transients]
: Skinner/Armin: My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final.
: Edna: Oh Seymour--
: Skinner/Armin: And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment,  Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas!
: Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?
: Skinner/Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. 
:Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that!
:Seymour/Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all.
:Agnes: The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years, I'm the only mother you've ever known! 
:Seymour/Armin: But you have your real son--
:Agnes: You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!
:Skinner/Armin: Yes, mother.
:Agnes: And the rest of you too!
:Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Edna, Grandpa: Yes, Mrs. Skinner. 
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:Homer: Hey everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back and he's gonna take over the school again!
: [the crowd chatters with surprise at seeing Skinner/Armin return to Springfield]
:Mayor Quimby: Now hold on, Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
:Homer: All right, all right, so he's a fraud. I don't care, his mom doesn't care, do any of you care?
: [he crowd mutters amongst themselves]
:Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner, this is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life for you people! Aren't I at least entitled to a little dignity? 
:Skinner/Armin: You're, uh... you're right, Sergeant. 
:Chalmers: Well, i dont see any way out of this.
:Homer: Now if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that will satisfy the town and let Sgt. Skinner keep his dignity.
:[Moments later, at the train station Sgt. Skinner is tied up in a chair on a flatbed railroad car]
:Sgt. Skinner: But I'm a hero! 
:Homer: And we salute you for it. Now don't come back.
:[The crowd cheers as the train leaves the station]
:Agnes: I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I hope you understand.
:Skinner/Armin: Well, this is a lovely gesture, but we all have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.
:Homer: Oh no, we don't. Judge Snyder?
:Judge Snyder: By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and mother.
:Principal Skinner: Okay. 
:Judge Snyder: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened, and no one will ever mention it again...
:Judge Snyder [with an ominous tone of voice]: Under penalty of torture!
:[The crowd cheers]
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:Skinner/Armin: Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner!
:Agnes: Oh no, we won't!
:Skinner/Armin: Yes, Mother.
es:The Principal and The Pauper/Frases