Greedy Gals

Greedy Gals is the thirtieth episode and the twelfth episode of Season Two in Welcome to Fancyland! It was written by FireMatch.
==Plot==
Squidward wants a date for Valentine's Day, so SpongeBob and Patrick try to find him one. However, most of his dates just want Squidward for the money.
==Synopsis==
Squidward is seen on the beach with a golden tan and golden sunglasses on his head. He sighs of relaxation as he listens to the sounds of the waves. Seagulls pass by, and one of them poops on Squidward’s forehead, which causes him to snap out of his daydream at the Krusty Krab.
“Stuck at a dead end job… while rich… just great…” he mumbles to himself. “I'm probably just gonna die alone.”
SpongeBob overhears this and gasps.
“Squidward, you won't die alone!” he says.
“How do you know? You can't just get me a girlfriend,” Squidward says.
“Sure I can. I can even make one.”
Squidward has flashbacks to the chaos he's had with Zee French Scientist, and shudders.
“No way,” he says, crossing his tentacles.
“I can still get you one.”
“Nice try, pores for brains. Now get back to cooking or whatever richy rich stuff you do.”
SpongeBob holds out a shaker full of uranium.
“I've always wondered what this does,” he says.
“Wait that's not what I meant-!” 
Squidward isn't able to finish his sentence before SpongeBob shakes uranium onto a patty, making the entire kitchen explode. Mr. Krabs comes in, mad.
“You're lucky we're filthy rich, boyo.”
Cut to Squidward sulking inside his living room, watching yet another episode of House Fancy.
“This time on House Fancy,” Nicholas Withers says, “We talk about diamond doorknobs!”
Squidward immediately changes the channel, and the TV goes to a romance movie.
“Oh Brad,” Monica says.
“Oh Monica,” Brad says. They then proceed to kiss.
“Jeez. Can we get some originality up in here for once?” Squidward complains. “Oh Neptune…”
A shot of Squidward cringing heavily at the TV is shown, and it is unknown what the couple is doing on the TV.
“One one hand, that was disgusting, but on the other hand, I desperately need a girlfriend,” he says to himself.
Cut to Squidward rushing out the door and over to SpongeBob’s house, where he repeatedly rings the doorbell.
“You could’ve just knocked, silly,” SpongeBob says as he opens the door.
“There was a doorbell, nitwit.”
“So, what do you want, Squidward?”
“I NEED A DATE!”
“Ooh, we’re actually going through with this! I’ll go get Patrick and we’ll start right away.”
“Patrick? Why do you need Patrick?”
“He has a sister, so he probably knows about girls more than I do.”
“You’re way more girly than him, kelp for brains. I mean just look at your eyelashes.”
SpongeBob bats his eyelashes. “But I love my eyelashes!”
Squidward sighs. “Just get me a good one, okay? No more of that fake crud like last time.”
Flashback to what happened last time, where Squidward is sitting at a dinner table with a cardboard box with a dress, a blonde wig, and some lipstick on.
“So, beautiful, what’s your name?” Squidward asks, and the dress falls off of the box. “I knew it was too good to be true.”
“I promise, none of that, Squidward,” SpongeBob says. “Nothing but the real deal.”
“I sure hope so. I’ll be cooking a casserole while you do your… thing with Patrick or whatever,” Squidward says as he walks back to his house. “Don’t disappoint me now!”
“We won't, and that's a promise!” SpongeBob then sighs. “I can't promise that. I don't know two things about girls. All I know is that they aren’t boys.”
“What's this talk about girls?” Patrick asks, which causes SpongeBob to scream in surprise.
“Patrick, when did you get here?”
“By the power of eavesdropping!”
“That’s not concerning at all. Well anyway, how much do you know about girls?”
“What do you wanna know?”
Bubble transition to Squidward washing his face with a washcloth.
“Wow, this face is a mess! I hope my date doesn't mind all these barnacles on my face, because I can't get them off no matter what I do. Even my prized cleaning bot couldn't do it,” Squidward says.
“End the pain,” the cleaning bot says off-screen.
“Maybe tomorrow.”
“You said that yesterday.”
“You're not helping, cleaning bot.”
“I physically cannot help you. I am specifically not made for barna-”
“Yeah yeah we get the idea, just stay quiet so I can finish getting ready. I'm gonna be a hot man after this.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
“What did I just say?”
The cleaning bot turns off. Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick, where Patrick is saying something while SpongeBob writes it down.
“So that’s everything, huh?” SpongeBob asks.
“Yuh-huh,” Patrick answers. “That’s everything you need to know.”
“Some of that stuff I didn’t need to know.”
“Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes.”
“Well, thanks for telling me that. I’ll go get them together.”
“Uh, and how are you gonna do that?”
“I know a perfect candidate for Squidward that won’t let him down. Heck, I even helped set him up for that girl once. It feels like it happened just yesterday…”
“But it wasn’t yesterday. Yesterday was Slapping Butts Day.”
“Yeah, Patrick, don’t remind me. Please.”
Bubble transition to Squilvia knocking on Squidward’s fancy door. Squidward rushes to answer it after just hopping out of a hot tub.
“Hello-o-o-o? Sq-sq-Squilvia?!” Squidward manages to say in pure shock.
“Would you like a date tonight, tentakins?” Squilvia asks with a flirty tone.
“Absolutely. I’ll be ready for it soon,” Squidward responds. “Bye now!”
Squidward shuts the door, and Squilvia happily sighs.
“Squilvia, you’ve got this in the bag! A free breadwinner,” she says to herself as she walks away, dazed.
SpongeBob is seen watching, revealing that he was watching the whole exchange. He quietly fist-pumps and hops down from the window. 
Cut to Squidward plucking his nose hairs with a tweezer.
“Ow. That hurts. Doesn’t hurt as much as getting your toenail pulled off from a couch, but still, ow.”
He hears Squilvia ring the doorbell to his house, and he rushes downstairs.
“Hello, Squidward,” Squilvia says in a seductive voice.
“Oh, Squilvia. You made it,” Squidward says happily.
“Of course I made it, Squiddykins. And I have the perfect restaurant in town to go to.
Cut to Squidward and Squilvia being seated at a table in Fancier! (creative name, I know) The couple is looking over the menu items. Squilvia gets dollar signs in her eyes once she sees the prices of the foods.
“Sweet hot mama!” she exclaims.
“Sweet hot what now?” Squidward asks.
“Sweet hot… food, yeah that’s what I meant.”
“Oh, okay then.” Squidward awkwardly chuckles and goes back to looking at the menu.
The waitress shows up at their table with a paper and pen.
“Are you two ready to order?” she asks.
“I need a little more time-” Squidward says, but not before being interrupted by Squilvia.
“Yes, we are. I know Squidward’s favorite, it’s the golden caviar, and I’ll have the platinum salmon, please.” Squilvia says.
“Oh, the golden caviar. That’d be my favorite too if I actually ate here,” the waitress says, writing the order down. “I’ll be back with your food shortly.” She walks away from the table.
“What the barnacles was that?” Squidward demands. “I was going to order the emerald caviar!”
“Oh, Squiddy, maybe you should try something new for once,” Squilvia responds, poking him in the nose.
Squidward giggles nervously. “Uh, fair point, honey.”
Cut to the waitress giving the couple their food.
“Mmm, this looks delectable,” Squilvia says as she starts to dig in.
Squidward looks at her happily, and he begins to dig into his food as well.
“Say, after this,” Squilvia says while eating, “Can we go to the Golden Gate Bridge?”
Squidward spits out his green tea. “What? You know that place requires a VIP pass, even for Fancyland members, right?”
“It’ll be nothing for you, dear,” Squilvia says casually. “You’re from Fancyland, after all.”
“You realize money can’t pay for everything, right?” Squidward says. “In fact, that’s probably what you’re using me for, isn’t it?”
Squilvia’s face turns red. “Well… um… kind of…”
“Yeah, this isn’t gonna work,” Squidward says, getting up. “You can pay for the food on your own, I’m outta here.”
Squilvia disappointedly watches Squidward leave the restaurant. The waitress from earlier comes by the table and gives out the bill. Squilvia’s nose deflates, defeated.
Bubble transition to SpongeBob pacing around the room inside his pineapple.
“So that didn’t work,” SpongeBob says. “Got any other ideas?”
“I have one more idea,” Patrick responds.
Bubble transition to Squidward playing table pool.
“Heh, this is almost as good as a swimming pool. Key word, almost. Speaking of which, I should do some swimming right now.” Squidward quits playing pool, and goes into his closet upstairs to get some swimming gear. Then suddenly, he hears the doorbell ring again. He sighs, and goes back downstairs to answer the door. Mama Bass is at the door.
“Hi, honey,” she says in a seductive voice.
“Where did you come from and who are you?” Squidward demands.
“Does it matter? Can’t we just have a cup of coffee or something? Oh, silly me, I haven’t even introduced myself! Call me Mama Bass.”
“Okay… Mama Bass. I guess I’ll humor you. Besides, I’m desp-” Squidward quickly coughs. “I mean, I could always use some social interaction. How does tomorrow at eleven sound?”
“That sounds lovely. See you then!” Mama Bass says, and then she leaves.
“Good gravy, this is who those goofballs choose to set me up with? They’re really digging out of that barrel bottom. Actually, they’re breaking the bottom.” Squidward says this as he walks upstairs, feeling many emotions at once.
The sun yawns, and goes asleep, cuing the moon to wake up. The moon then snores and falls asleep, a clam rooster is heard making noise, and the sun wakes up again. The clam rooster starts flying into the sky. The sun gets pooped on by the clam rooster and gets angry at it.
Squidward stretches and yawns, and puts on his slippers. He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and suddenly comes to the realization that today is his date with Mama Bass. He spits out his toothpaste, which lands on the mirror, and Squidward draws an angry face in the toothpaste.
Mama Bass approaches Squidward’s house’s door and knocks.
“I’m here!” she yells.
Squidward rushes downstairs to greet her.
“Have you brought the flowers?” Mama Bass asks politely.
“The what?” Squidward asks in confusion.
“You know, the flowers! Every first date needs some flowers. Golden flowers to be specific”
“Uhh… how about some clarinet instead?” Squidward then proceeds to badly play Blinding Lights on his clarinet, making Mama Bass cover her nonexistent ears.
“I still don’t know how I can hear!” Mama Bass shouts while still covering her… I don’t know.
Squidward stops playing and looks expressionless.
“You really don’t care, do you?” Mama Bass says disappointedly. “I thought you did!”
“I do, but um… I don’t exactly have golden flowers laying around to give you.”
“Well I was promised golden flowers… this is a bust!” Mama Bass says frustratedly as she stomps out.
“Jeez Louise, what are SpongeBob and Patrick promising these women?” Squidward asks himself. “Are they promising a date with the President or something?”
Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick in SpongeBob’s pineapple yet again, realizing that their last plan didn’t work.
“Okay, we’re all out of ideas,” SpongeBob says. “We failed Squidward!”
Patrick starts sniffing, and then starts crying, and his tears get absorbed by SpongeBob’s body.
“Uh Patrick, you’re making me fat.”
“Oh, right.” Patrick suddenly stops crying. “So what are we gonna do now?”
“We have to go into the deep darkest depths of our minds to think of one last idea,” SpongeBob says eerily.
“But you just said we’re all out of ideas!”
“Not quite…”
Cut to SpongeBob’s inner workings of his brain, where several brain beings are pulling a cinder block along the ground, until it drops into a bin, which lights up and gives SpongeBob an idea.
“Okay, Patrick, hold still, this’ll pinch a little,” SpongeBob says.
Cut to Squidward who is playing an arcade game on an arcade machine.
“Y’know, I never thought I liked playing video games, but this is my jam,” Squidward says. “Who knew someone could have so much fun eating white dots all day?”
On the arcade screen, Squidward loses to the pink ghost and gets a game over.
“From what I've experienced first-hand, pink things aren't exactly that smart,” he says.
Just then, he hears faint giggling nearby.
“Sounds like the giggling of a female,” Squidward says. “I’m not falling for it this time, SpongeBoob.”
The giggling gets closer and closer.
“Okay fine, I’ll bite.” Squidward turns off the arcade machine and walks over to the front door yet again. He opens it, and is in awe when he sees a pink starfish with female clothing.
“Hel-LO beautiful! What’s your name?” Squidward says in delight.
“Uhh… Patricia,” the starfish says.
“Hello there, Patricia. Say, wanna go out for dinner sometime?” Squidward asks.
“I’m free in like an hour, we can, uh...  do it then,” Patricia says.
“Great! I’ll get ready. I doubt you need to get ready, since you’re so pretty.”
“Uhh, okay?” Patricia leaves, and SpongeBob pats them on the back.
“You did great, Pat… ricia!” SpongeBob says.
“Hey, haven’t I done this before? Disguised as a girl named Patricia?” Patrick asks.
“I don’t recall,” SpongeBob says, confused. “Well anyway, might as well get ready for the big date. I think we got this in the bag!”
“SpongeBob?” Patrick says.
“Yes, Patricia?” SpongeBob answers.
“Squidward’s a great pal and all, but… do I really want to go out on a date with him? What if we get so close that we get married? Am I a fraud?!” Patrick asks, scared.
“No you’re not, Patrick. None of that will happen. We’re just making our friend happy.”
“Well, if you say so…”
Bubble transition to Squidward at another fancy restaurant, this one named Fanciest! Squidward is nervously fidgeting with his phone, on which he’s watching a dancing anemone. Patricia comes in and sits next to Squidward, who quickly puts away his phone and greets her with a smile.
“H-how are you, Squidward?” Patricia manages to ask.
“I'm perfectly fine, now that I'm with you,” Squidward replies.
“Uhh, I think I need to use the ladies room,” Patricia says quickly as she gets up and goes to the restroom.
“That's the men's room, you know,” Squidward remarks.
“I don't care!”
Squidward sighs dreamily and thinks about being with Patricia.
Cut to Patricia, who is staring at herself in the mirror.
“This isn’t who I am!” she yells out loud. “I’m Patrick!”
She then starts banging her head on the wall, which makes such a racket that the fish in the stalls instantly open up the stalls and leave the bathroom.
“Who cares about my constipation, I need my sanity!” one of them exclaims as they run out.
After everyone leaves, Patricia sneaks out of the bathroom, trying to compose herself.
“Okay, Patricia, get it together now. It’s just one date, what could possibly go wrong?”
She sits back in her seat next to Squidward, and he instantly starts a new conversation.
“So, pretty Patricia, how did you get your hair like that?” Squidward asks.
“Well, I, uhh…” Patricia’s wig falls off of her head. She quickly puts it back on, but it’s too late, because Squidward noticed. Squidward gasps.
“So THAT’S why you seemed familiar. You’re just Patrick in… girl clothing!” Squidward says, terrified. “I’ve been dating a pink idiot this entire time!”
“It's not what it looks like-!”
“It's exactly what it looks like. I'm outta here.”
Squidward stomps out of Fanciest!, leaving Patricia in tears.
Cut to Squidward trying on some new clothing.
“Fashion is my new passion,” he says. “Who needs a girl when you can love yourself?”
Squidward puts on an artist’s beret, and holds a paintbrush.
“Watch out, SeaTok, this one’s going in the history books!” Squidward says pridefully as he takes pictures of himself with his phone.
“The only thing going in your history books is your ego,” the cleaning bot says.
“Would you get out of here?!”
The cleaning bot leaves and turns itself off after leaving the clothing room.
“I swear, that bot keeps getting more annoying by the day. Now, let's try on some new shirts…”
Just then, he hears the doorbell ring yet again. Squidward sighs, goes downstairs, and answers the door.
“Whoever could it be this time?” he says, annoyed.
“Squidward, I let you down,” SpongeBob says.
“Yeah, you kinda did.”
“I'm not sure how to make it up to you, so I made you this.” SpongeBob holds out a sparkly new clarinet. 
Squidward grabs it and stares at it in awe.
“If you can't have a girlfriend, maybe you can have good friends instead,” SpongeBob instead.
“Yeah… maybe…” Squidward keeps staring at his new clarinet.
“I'll just leave you two alone,” SpongeBob says, and closes the door.
“Will you be my girlfriend?” Squidward asks the clarinet. The clarinet says nothing, but Squidward hugs it anyway.
“Oh who cares? I'm just glad you're in my life now.”
Cut to Squidward trying out his new clarinet in the music room.
“Maybe what I need is a boyfriend,” Squidward says as the episode ends.
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