Episode 410: Kenny Rogers/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 410: Kenny Rogers.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Kenny Rogers? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Kenny.
Kenny 	Hey, thanks, Scooter. And while you're at it, I wanna ask you something. I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but what is all of this junk in my dressing room?
Scooter 	Oh. Well, you know my uncle who owns this theater?
Kenny 	Yeah. So?
Scooter 	Well, he sold the mineral rights to your dressing room.
 	Kenny laughs. Three Arabs enter.
 	
Arab (JN)	Before we start drilling, where should we park the camels?
 	Kenny takes to the camera.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Kenny Rogers! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
Statler & Waldorf	♪ Why don't they make things funny? (laugh)
 	
 	The note Gonzo plays falls flat.
Gonzo 	What were you expecting, Rachmaninov? (sigh)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Miss Piggy enters to applause, dressed as a ringmaster.
 	
Miss Piggy	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, all of you! Kissy-kissy! Kissy-kissy. Ahem. Bonjour, and welcome to The Muppet Show, everyone. Our very special guest star tonight is Mr. Kenny Rogers. But! First, let me explain why I am here to greet you. Our own dear Kermie has agreed to appear with petite little moi … in the opening number. He is all ready, so let us go to le circus!
 	The curtain opens on a circus setting. Kermit, dressed as a trapeze artist, sits on top of a platform with Beauregard at his side.
 	
Miss Piggy	
♪ He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
♪ That daring young frog on the flying trapeze.
Kermit 	I don't know how she gets me into these things.
Beauregard	Are you ready, Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah. Just don't push me hard.
 	
Beauregard	What?
Kermit 	"Push me hard"!
Beauregard	Okay!
 	Beauregard pushes Kermit, who flies across the stage, falls and hurts himself. The music stops.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Kermie! Oh! Oh! (comes to his aid) Are you …
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, I think so, I'm just a little… woozy, that's all.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie …
Gonzo 	Close the curtains!
Miss Piggy	Yes!
Gonzo 	(to Kermit) Wow! What a terrific act! You want a partner?
Miss Piggy	Oh!
 	The curtains close. Fozzie comes onstage.
Fozzie 	Oh — Kermit! Uh — Gonzo, get him backstage. (notices audience) Aaahhh. Don't worry, it's all part of the act. Um … is there a doctor in the house??
Doctor 	Yes. I'm a doctor.
Fozzie 	Oh, could you come up here, sir, please?
Doctor 	I'll be right up.
Fozzie 	(flustered) I told him to use a safety net. But what do I know? I'm only a bear. Can I help you up, sir?
Doctor 	Thank you.
 	
Fozzie 	Say, are — are you a real doctor?
Doctor 	Of course I'm a real doctor. You wanna see my bank balance?
 	Fozzie leads the doctor backstage and addresses the crowd.
Fozzie 	He's backstage. He's just backstage. Uh, don't worry! Uh, there'll be a slight delay. Just talk amongst yourselves! Uh … (groans)
Statler 	Aww. Poor little guy. I hope he's not hurt.
Waldorf 	Well, at least he got the pig to stop singing.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sits on a crate as the other Muppets come to his aid. Kenny observes from upstairs.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Kermie! Oh!
Gonzo 	Hey Kermit, are they really drilling for oil in Kenny's dressing room?
Miss Piggy	Who cares? My frog is hurt!
 	
Kenny 	Hey, Kermit, anything I can do to help?
Kermit 	Uh — oh, Kenny, uh, listen, uh, it's just a sprain, uh — but could you send somebody onstage to stall until we get the show going again?
Kenny 	Yeah, sure — Zoot, do us a favor, will you run out and play something for the people?
Zoot 	Oh, yeah.
Kenny 	Kermit, I'll get you an ice pack. I'll be right back.
 	Kenny departs. Zoot goes onstage, while the doctor examines Kermit's flipper.
Scooter 	C'mon, Zoot. … Get onstage.
Kermit 	Oh, thanks.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh!… My poor brave hero! Is the pain unbearable?
Kermit 	Uh, no, I'm just a little shaken up.
Miss Piggy	Give it to us straight, Doc! How is he?
Doctor 	He'll soon be hopping around, good as new.
 	Piggy and the other Muppets rejoice.
Miss Piggy	That's wonderful! Kermie!
Gonzo 	Whoopee!
Fozzie 	Oh, that's terrific. Aaahh. ... Hahaha.
Kermit 	Oh, Beaker? Have you got that hospital bed over there?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Kermit 	Yeah, get that onstage right away.
 	Beaker wheels the bed onstage.
Kermit 	Yeah, I've got the perfect musical number that we can do next. (limps onstage)
Miss Piggy	But why?? Kermie! Why must you go on?
Fozzie 	Because he's a star. And a star knows that the show must go on!
Miss Piggy	I knew that! … I just forgot for a minute there.
=="Coconut"==
 	Zoot plays "Perdido" onstage. Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie 	Okay — Zoot, that's enough. Good.
 	
 	Zoot gives two final toots, then walks away.
Fozzie 	Uh, ahem — ladies and gentlemen, although our beloved Kermit has been seriously injured, he —
Kermit 	Wait, wait, wait, wait. (peeks from curtain) What? Seriously injured? I twisted a flipper.
Fozzie 	Go back, go back, go back. Ahem. Although he has a severely twisted flipper … he is going to go on with the show!
 	The audience applauds.
Fozzie 	Yes, yes, yes, yes! Here he is, our own Kermit the Frog, in … in …
Kermit 	A hospital bed.
Fozzie 	A hospital bed—?
 	
 	A wounded Kermit performs "Coconut" from his hospital bed, attended by the Doctor and two nurses. Slowly things begin to change. First the nurses change, then the doctor turns into The Witch Doctor! The room becomes a jungle filled with animals, dancing around Kermit's bed. As the song ends, everything returns to normal.
Doctor 	If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do.
 	
 	He exits. The jungle animals reappear around Kermit's bed. Applause.
Statler	Ever gone to a witch doctor?
Waldorf	They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor?
 	They chuckle.
==Dressing room==
 	The Arabs have set up even more drilling equipment in Kenny's dressing room.
Kenny 	Hey, fellas, you know, I really don't mind your drilling for oil in my dressing room, but your camel just stepped on my guitar and broke it.
Arab #2 (JN)	Do not worry about the guitar. We will buy you a new one.
Kenny 	I should hope so.
Scooter 	Excuse me. Oops.
Kenny 	Oh, hi, Scooter.
Scooter 	Hi, Kenny. Oh, Kermit's still not feeling well.
Kenny 	Oh, that's too bad.
Arab #2 (JN)	Do not worry about the frog. We will buy you a new one.
Scooter 	(groans) Will you stop that? Oh, it's alright, Kenny, we got him resting in a hospital bed.
Kenny 	That's great. You're not going to have to cancel the show, are you?
 	
 	The second Arab throws the switch.
Scooter 	Oh, no, no, but we're gonna have to delay your opening number.
Kenny 	Oh, that's fine, that's okay.
Scooter 	So just stay here and relax.
 	The second Arab throws another switch, and the drills start drilling loudly.
Kenny 	What?
Scooter 	I said, "Just stay here and relax".
Kenny 	What??
 	
Scooter 	I SAID, "STAY HERE AND RELAX"!
Kenny 	I'll try.
Scooter 	WHAT?
Kenny 	I SAID, I'LL TRY!
Scooter 	WHAT??
Kenny 	I WILL TRY!
Scooter 	OH! (nods)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Now for a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model hospital bed used in the "Lime and Coconut" production number. The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for pop-up toasters.
 	
 	SPROING! Kermit lands in the newsroom.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy, dressed for Vet's Hospital, talks to Foo-Foo. The Newsman pushes Kermit in a wheelchair.
Miss Piggy	Foo-Foo, you promise to be nice to da-da froggy. Oh — Kermie!
Newsman 	It's lucky I broke his fall with my desk. (exits)
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh, Kermie. I am ready to nurse you back to health.
 	She accidentally slaps his flipper. He groans.
Kermit 	Piggy, I'm only just black and blue and green.
 	Foo-Foo barks at Kermit, then licks him.
 	
Kermit 	And call off this dog of yours, would you?
Miss Piggy	Awww. Foo-Foo love da-da.
Kermit 	Yeah. Will you stop that? Now listen, dog, I'm ticklish!
 	Kermit wheels away as Foo-Foo chases him.
Miss Piggy	Foo-Foo! Foo-Foo!
Kermit 	And I'm not that dog's da-da!
Miss Piggy	Look out for the stairs! (screams)
 	Kermit wheels downstairs through the exit door.
=="The Gambler"==
 	Main stage. Robin enters to a fanfare.
 	
Robin 	My uncle Kermit isn't quite himself today. He sorta keeps falling down on the job. (elicits laugh) So I thought I'd come out here, as heir apparent.
Kermit	Robin!
Robin 	… Just kidding, uncle Kermit! Anyway, I'm here to introduce tonight's guest star. I really love his singing, and this is a really great song. At least I think it is — I'm not old enough to understand it. Uh, but here he is — Mr. Kenny Rogers! (waves arms) Yaaaaayy!
 	
 	Kenny sings his classic "The Gambler" on a train accompanied by three old men Muppets. The gambler himself relates part of the song and chorus, offering Kenny his advice. Soon, though, the gambler dies, and dances around the cabin as a ghost.
==UK Spot==
	
	"Knees Up Mother Brown" is performed by Fozzie and others in a bar, while Fozzie's mother dances, kicking her knees up. Fozzie is very perturbed by the lyrics of the last chorus.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy frantically wheels the medical trolley towards the operating table.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?
Janice 	Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.
 	He lifts the sheet and reveals the patient — Kermit.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Oh! Oh, it's Kermit! My Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit 	Uh, take it easy, I'm okay.
 	
Miss Piggy	(mutters) Quiet. This is a very dramatic moment. (resumes her hysterics) Oh! Oh! Oh! Kermie! I shall nurse you back to health, if it takes a lifetime! Oh!
Janice 	What do you think's wrong with him, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Well, for one thing, he's been badly exposed to over-acting. (laughs) Either that, or overexposed to bad acting. (laughs)
Janice 	Aw, rully.
Miss Piggy	I am not acting. I love him!
Rowlf 	Uh, Nurse Piggy, you cannot let your personal feelings affect your duty. You are a nurse.
Miss Piggy	I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.
Rowlf 	Wrong. You're a pig first! Nurse second. I don't think "woman" made the top ten.
 	He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy	(annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Rowlf 	Oh, he's alright, he's alright. He just looks like he was under heavy sedation.
Janice 	Well, he was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
 	Rowlf and Janice laugh.
Kermit 	It did not!
Janice 	I know, but it's my only joke.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Miss Piggy	Oh! My poor, poor Kermie. Aww.
Rowlf 	Well, he's still breathing, but I think his pulse is weak.
Miss Piggy	Oh — Kermie! Kermie, can you hear me? This is Nurse Piggy! I will never leave your side till you have taken your last breath! Do you think he heard me?
Rowlf 	He must have. His pulse has stopped. (laughs)
Janice 	(groans)
Miss Piggy	If anything happens to him, you will have me to account to!
Rowlf 	Good! I was wondering who was gonna pay his bill. (laughs)
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Kermit say …
Kermit 	Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
 	
Miss Piggy	No, no, Kermie, no, no, don't — no. Stay here, where it's safe.
 	The light fixture falls on her.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Janice 	Oh, rully. Rully.
Statler 	Did you see that?
Waldorf 	Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler 	Yeah. It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	
 	By now, most of the backstage area has been taken over by oil equipment. Kermit walks backstage, rubbing his head. He looks over the rundown.
Kenny 	Hey Kermit, are you okay?
Kermit	Uh, I'm okay, Kenny. If I can survive that bit, I can survive anything. (shakes head)
Kenny 	(to camera) Very durable frog.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) The makers of the light fixture used in that last Veterinarian's Hospital have announced that they are recalling all of their hospital lights. A spokesman for the company said that all manufacturing of that particular light fixture has been dropped.
 	
 	BONK! It falls on his head.
Statler	Do they sell insurance for this show?
 	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Kermit hobbles onto the stage with crutches. Piggy rushes to his aid.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh! Lean on me, dearest!
Kermit 	Piggy! I — I don't have to lean on anybody. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo will now shoot himself heavenward in a catapult, and skywrite the Hallelujah Chorus. (nods)
 	
Miss Piggy	Good grief.
Kermit 	Uh — ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! (hobbles away)
Miss Piggy	Um — (waves arms) — yaaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens to a fanfare. Gonzo sits in the catapult.
 	
Gonzo 	(sigh) Ladies and gentlemen, I will once again defy death and good taste! May I have a drumroll for my catapult, please!
 	A drumroll is heard. Gonzo tugs at the catapult's strap.
Gonzo 	Uh-oh. (gets off) Kermit! I'm in trouble! Help! (tugs)
 	Piggy walks Kermit over to Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Hurry!
Kermit 	Okay …
Gonzo 	Can't you get it —
Kermit 	(to Piggy) I don't need help!
Miss Piggy	Yes, dear.
Gonzo 	Oh, this is humiliating. Just help me.
Kermit 	Uh, what's the matter, what's the matter?
Miss Piggy	What is it?
Gonzo 	Look, pull — help me pull — pull the lever!
 	
Kermit 	What, this lever over here?
Miss Piggy	Where? Over here?
Gonzo 	No, this lever!
 	Gonzo pulls the right lever, launching Kermit and Piggy into Statler and Waldorf's box. Fozzie and Scooter rush onstage.
Fozzie 	What happened?
Gonzo 	Those two stole my act!
Fozzie 	Curt — Scooter, get the curtain down! Move this! Curtain!
 	Fozzie tries to move the catapult offstage. Gonzo tries to stop him.
Gonzo 	What?? — I worked all week! Ouch!
Fozzie 	Who cares?
=="Love Lifted Me"==
 	As Gonzo and Fozzie continue arguing, Piggy and Kermit get up, dazed.
Kermit 	Uh — you okay, Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Where am I?
 	
Kermit 	Quiet down out there! Uh, we gotta restore some order around here. Is Kenny Rogers back there? Oh, Kenny?
 	Kenny enters to applause.
Kenny 	Kermit, I honestly don't believe what's going on around here. Are you okay — were you hurt?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no , I — I'm fine, Kenny. Uh, I was just wondering if you could sing a song, or — or something not crazy?
Miss Piggy	Yes, please!
Kenny 	Sure — well, yeah, let me get my guitar — can we get the curtains open here and I'll get my guitar.
 	The curtains open, and he takes his guitar and places a stool at the front center of the stage.
Kenny 	I can see where this place would need some calming down after all of that. This is a — a sing-a-long, and I want everybody to help us out with this. This is really simple. You help me out — now I'll show you how it goes. (plays)
♪ Love lifted me. Now they just don't come any simpler than that.
♪ Love lifted me. Sounds a lot like the first part.
♪ When nothing else would do,
♪ You know, love lifted me.
See, see, now this is really one of the more simple songs you'll ever hear in your life, so there's no excuse for you not to help us out and sing it. So, if everybody's ready now, we'll take it, and here we go.
 	Kenny continues. A Whatnot country trio joins him, followed by Beauregard, Scooter and Gonzo.
 	
Kenny 	
♪ I'll write myself a simple song,
♪ Get the whole world to sing along,
♪ I'll call it a love song for you.
♪ And who knows, I'm liable 
♪ To take a song from the Bible,
♪ And then when I'm through,
♪ I'll just sing —
♪ Love lifted me.
♪ Love lifted me.
♪ When nothing else would do,
♪ Love lifted me.
 	Other Muppets join them, including Janice, Winny, Lew Zealand and the Gambler.
All 	
♪ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
♪ Love lifted me.
♪ And when nothing else would do,
♪ Love lifted me.
 	Backstage, the equipment starts making noises and steaming.
Arab (JN) 	We're deep! … It's a gusher!
Arabs 	It's a gusher! (rejoicing)
All 	
♪ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
♪ Love lifted me.
♪ When nothing else would do,
♪ Love lifted me.
 	
 	Kermit, Piggy, Statler and Waldorf join in, and so do the audience.
All 	
♪ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
♪ Love lifted me.
♪ And when nothing else would do,
♪ Love … lifted … me.
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit hobbles onstage with the crutches.
Kermit 	Uh, well, it's uh, it's been one of those shows. And I'd like to thank our very special guest star for holding it all together, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kenny Rogers! Yaaaayy!
 	Applause.
Kenny 	Thank you. … Kermit, I wanna also say to you, this has not been all work for me, I want you to know. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, for one thing. Secondly, I also made an interesting trade for some gasoline.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah? Well, what did you offer in return?
Kenny 	I offered singing lessons.
 	
 	The Arabs come out, singing "Love Lifted Me" in their own language.
Kermit 	Hoo boy. Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	The credits roll as the other Muppets gather onstage.
 	Statler wears a hardhat.
Waldorf	What's the hardhat for?
Statler	I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts