Episode 419: Lynda Carter/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 419: Lynda Carter.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and opens it.
Scooter	Lynda Carter? Lynda Carter?
Lynda 	I know, I know, Scoots. It's twenty seconds to curtain.
Scooter	You can read my mind!
Lynda 	I'm not reading your mind, I'm reading my script.
 	
 	Lynda reads from her script, running her finger along the page line by line.
Scooter	Huh? Wha? Oh, no, no.
Both 	Kermit wouldn't allow a script on this show, everything we say on here is ad-libbed!
 	Lynda laughs as Scooter frantically looks back and forth at her and the script.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynda Carter! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	Statler and Waldorf bob along to the music.
Statler	Don't start!
Waldorf	We haven't left yet!
 	They chuckle.
 	
 	Gonzo plays and pulls out his trumpet, with his teeth stuck to the mouthpiece.
Gonzo 	The embarrassment!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, hello there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Because our very special guest is that lovely star of television's Wonder Woman, Miss Lynda Carter! (audience oohs and aahs) Yes! But, right now, let's get the show started w—
 	Miss Piggy enters the stage.
Piggy 	(interrupting) Kermit, Kermit, excuse moi. Kermie, uh, you forgot to mention the sketch I am in.
Kermit 	Well, I, I didn't forget, I just didn't think it was important.
Piggy 	(pause, laughs) You didn't?
Kermit 	Important, but not that important.
Piggy 	A-ha, a-ha, mm-hmm.
Kermit 	I mean, it's not like it was a matter of life and death.
Piggy 	(towers over Kermit) You're sure about that?
 	
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, later on in the show, our own Miss Piggy here will be portraying a brand new character, Wonder Pig.
 	Lynda standing in the wings, with Beauregard peaking behind the spotlights, glances at the camera.
Lynda 	Wonder Pig?
Piggy 	Thank you, Kermie.
Kermit 	Uh, you're welcome.
Piggy 	Isn't it great to be alive? (leaves)
Kermit 	Uh, uh, which reminds me of our opening number, ladies and gentlemen, how long has it been since you've watched a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Too long, you say? Well, watch this.
 	
 	In a candle-lit temple, a group of pagan pigs begin their sacred ritual, with Janice as their lamb. Tied and set on a fiery grill, she taps out a beat which catches the attention of the Sacrificial Idol, who uses his many arms to add musical accompaniment.
 	
 	Janice starts to sing "With a Little Help from My Friends." While the pigs provide backup vocals, Dr. Teeth, Floyd and Zoot sneak in to set Janice free. Animal is seen accompanying a pagan pig on drums.
Sacrificial Idol	I think I just lost my lunch!
 	After the number ends, two lobsters are seen in the box munching on popcorn.
Statler 	You think the lobsters would share some of their popcorn with us?
Waldorf 	No chance, they're too shellfish!
Statler 	(laughs, to the lobsters) You're too shellfish.
==Backstage==
 	The pagan pigs exit from the stage. Sam the Eagle stands nearby and facepalms in disgust.
Kermit 	Okay, way to go Pagans, nicely worshiped.
 	Scooter enters holding a package, excited.
Scooter	It's here, it's here! My correspondence course!
Kermit 	Your correspondence course?
Scooter	"How to Be a Superhero." (Kermit whimpers) Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet, a cape, a red shirt, and an instruction book called, "Invincibility Made Easy."
 	
Kermit 	I don't believe that.
Scooter	I'm doing it 'cause Wonder Woman's on our show.
Kermit 	No, no, no. Lynda Carter is on our show. She's not gonna play Wonder Woman tonight.
Scooter	Well, that's just as well. There'll be plenty of superheroes around.
Kermit 	What do you mean, plenty?
Scooter	Well, everybody's taking the course.
 	As Scooter leaves, Fozzie enters, wearing a cheap superhero costume and reading his copy of the manual.
 	
Fozzie 	Uh, let's see. Lesson two. Deflecting bullets with the magic gold bracelets. Oh, hi Kermit, what'ch'ya doin'?
Kermit 	Oh, just noticing that this season has produced a bumper crop of nuts. (leaves)
==Dressing room==
Lynda 	Sam, you know, uh, that human sacrifice number at the top of the show?
Sam 	Ugh, yes.
Lynda 	Well, is that kind of thing gonna be going on throughout this entire show?
Sam 	Ugh, Miss Carter, I'm afraid so.
Lynda 	Good, because I loved it.
Kermit	(offscreen) Uh, Lynda, your number is next!
Lynda 	Thanks, Kermit!
 	
Sam 	Congratulations.
Lynda 	For what?
Sam 	You are the next human to be sacrificed. (leaves)
Kermit	(enters) Uh, uh, listen, uh, Lynda, you know about this number you're about to do...
Lynda 	Mm-hmm
Kermit	Well, none of our band has rehearsed this number.
Lynda 	Oh, that's okay, I brought my own band.
Kermit	"Oh?", says the frog feeling control slipping through his fingers.
Lynda 	Don't worry about it, Kermit. This is one terrific band.
Kermit	Oh, what kind of band is it?
Lynda 	Oh, it's a "rubber" band.
=="The Rubberband Man"==
 	Lynda starts to sing "The Rubberband Man" as she leaves her dressing room. Backstage, some of the Muppets join in on the chorus while Lynda gradually makes her way to the stage. She then takes off her robe and says "Take it, Sam!" before throwing it at Sam, seen on the upstairs landing. Kermit enters the main stage...
Kermit 	And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, The Rubber Band Men!
 	
 	The curtains open to reveal an abstract, brightly-colored set populated by four Bossmen-like creatures who strum their bodies like rubber bands. Three other stretchy creatures with large lips supply backup vocals. Lynda enters the stage and continues to sing.
 	
Waldorf	Mmm. What'd you think of Lynda?
Statler	Terrific!
Waldorf	Yeah. How about that rubber band?
Statler	Well, make 'em into a tire and drive 'em to Pittsburgh!
 	They both laugh.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit compliments Lynda as she heads back to her dressing room. Several of the Muppets are now dressed in superhero costumes. They stop to notice Lynda before going back to reading over their manuals.
Kermit 	Okay, hey that was wonderful Lynda!
Lynda 	Thank you very much.
Kermit 	(noticing Fozzie) Oh, look at this. The apprentice superheroes are still at it. Boy, this "Invincibility Made Easy" is some kind of crazy book.
Scooter 	Chapter four. Vanishing. To vanish, it requires several minutes of hard work to achieve.
Gonzo 	Shazam!
 	
Link Hogthrob	Bending steel bars is simple if you have a pure heart and clean thoughts.
Fozzie 	Uh, let's see. Swinging from building to building on a rope should be practiced, uh, perhaps by starting swinging across the room. (looks around, notices something) Aah, right!
Kermit 	Then, of course, there's Lew Zealand. He's practicing x-ray vision.
 	
Lew 	Pick a closed door. Yeah. Uh, stare at it for several seconds, and suddenly the door will seem to vanish and you'll see inside the room. Oh, gotcha.
 	Lew proceeds to stare at a dressing room door.
 	
 	The other Muppets look on as Fozzie is heard screaming. He appears swinging on a rope from across the room and breaks down the aforementioned door.
Lew 	I can see the room! I have x-ray vision!
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline, Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal-evad-gib — that's Rezal-evad-gib — would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. That's a ridiculous story, I don't kno— (screams)
 	
 	A large crocodile appears from behind the desk and eats the Newsman.
==Dressing room==
 	Someone knocks at the door.
Lynda 	Come in.
Beauregard	Oh, Wonder Lynda, I have to warn you about something!
Lynda 	Oh, hi there Beau, how are you?
Beauregard	No, no time for the nicey-nicies. Aah, something terrible just happened to The Newsman downstairs.
Lynda 	You're kidding, what?
Beauregard	Well, they sent me up here to tell you not to say this very dangerous word.
Lynda 	Oh, okay. What's the word?
Beauregard	Well, it's uh... Oh, no. I forgot it! But, whatever you do, don't say it.
Lynda 	Now, how can I not say a word if you don't know what it is and you can't remember it, huh? I mean, it could be anything. It could be pencil.
Beauregard	(gasps, then looks around) Nope, I guess that wasn't it.
Lynda 	Well, it could be, uh, shoehorn. Hairbrush. Powderpuff. Just about anything. I mean—
Beauregard	Be careful! Stop it! You might say it by accident!
Lynda 	Oh. Okay, now listen, Beau.
Beauregard	Yes?
Lynda 	Why don't you try to remember. Try very, very, very hard, okay?
Beauregard	You mean, think?
Lynda 	Y— think, right.
Beauregard	Oh, that's hard. Okay.
Lynda 	Okay. C'mon.
Beauregard	(struggling) It's no use. It's right on the tip of my tongue.
Lynda 	It is. Right on the tip of your tongue. It says...
Beauregard	(mouth open) Yeah!
Lynda 	Wait, wait. Hold still. (holds Beau's mouth) "Re. Zal. E. Va—"
 	Beauregard covers his mouth. Suddenly, the Newsman rushes in.
Newsman 	I bet you thought they were gonna say Rezal-evad-gib, didn't you?
Beauregard	Oh no!
Newsman 	Well, after what I went through, I'd have to be—
 	
 	The Newsman gets snatched up again. Lynda and Beau look down to see the crocodile swallowing him up.
Beauregard	Yuck.
Lynda 	Blech.
Beauregard	That could have been you.
=="While My Guitar Gently Weeps"==
 	
 	In a nighttime city setting, Floyd performs "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" on his guitar, seated on a fire escape staircase. Silhouetted Muppets are shown doing various tasks in the lit windows of two nearby apartment buildings. Floyd ends with a soft guitar solo.
Floyd	Oh, there there, baby. Now, don't cry. Yeah, Floyd's gonna take care of you. Mmmm.
==UK spot==
 	Backstage, Kermit reviews items on his desk, while Sam is seen behind him writing on a clipboard. Gaffer passes by and meows.
Sam 	Disgusting. Get away.
Kermit	Sam? Hey, Sam.
Sam 	What?
Kermit	What are you doing?
Sam 	I am censoring this show.
Kermit	Well, what are you writing down there?
Sam 	Already, I have fourteen disgusting items that have occurred on this show.
Kermit	Well, like what?
Sam 	Well, first of all, there's one here... a possible romantic liaison between a frog and a pig.
Kermit	Well, I guess I'm not very happy about that one myself. But, but what do you do with this?
Sam 	I send it to a very important person.
Kermit	Who?
Sam 	None of your business.
 	A chicken passes by, bawking, followed soon after by a penguin.
Sam 	That's what I mean. Look at that. What is that? That was a chicken?
Kermit	That's a chicken.
Sam 	And a penguin. And whoa, stop! (grabs hold of a well-clad rat) What is this, what-what-what is this?
Kermit	Well, uh, that's a rat.
 	
Sam 	A rat. What is a rat doing in the legitimate theatre?
Kermit	Well, uh, I, I send him out to, uh, buy me a chocolate milkshake, actually.
 	Sam drops the rat.
Sam 	You let a rat touch your food?
Kermit	Well, sure Sam. That's the kind of place it is. You know, the, uh, the chickens dance, the, uh, pig sings, and the, uh, rat goes out and gets me some food.
Sam 	Alright, alright, alright, alright! That's it! I want this rat out of the theatre— Wait, I'll do it. Rat! Rat! I'm talking to you. I'm making a citizen's rat arrest. Out!
 	The rat exits, stage right.
Kermit	Yeah, but. Sam...
Sam 	All it needed was a command decision.
Kermit	But, but, Sam, you can't just send those rats out. I mean, they perform a very useful function. They gather all the trash and garbage around the theatre and take it out in the alley and dump it.
Sam 	(not listening) Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Rizzo 	(offscreen) Okay guys, do it!
 	Sam is carried off by a group of rats.
Sam 	What? Wha—whoa! Wait, wait! Wait, whoa! Put me down!
Kermit	Listen, be gentle with him! Hey, bring back the clipboard!
==Wonder Pig==
 	A fanfare sounds as Kermit enters the stage.
Kermit 	Now, there's been a lot of talk about superheroes on tonight's show. So, here is a story of sheer terror. When civilization is threatened by one of the most frightening creatures ever to roam the Earth. Who can save us? Ladies and gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy, starring as Wonder Pig.
 	In the wings, Lynda looks at the camera as Super Rat (Rizzo) shakes his head.
Lynda 	(laughing) Wonder Pig?
Kermit 	A word of caution. There are scenes in this story which may not be suitable for adults.
 	At a Southern ranch, a couple, played by Piggy and Link Hogthrob, try to break a bedridden Annie Sue from a trance-like state.
Piggy 	Oh. Oh, dear, dear. Oh, oh, wake up. Wake up! It is I, your beautiful sister. Oh.
 	Knocks on the door are heard.
Piggy and Link	Come in.
 	The doctor enters. Dr. Strangepork, that is.
Link 	Oh, doctor. At last you've come.
Strangepork 	Yes, what seems to be the problem?
Piggy 	Oh! Doctor, doctor. My husband and I...
Link 	Yes, dear.
Piggy 	We, we came home and found my sister in a trance-like state. And, and all she does is make strange sounds like, like...
Annie Sue 	(clucking noises, then faints)
Strangepork 	It's almost as if she's in a state of shock. As if she'd been frightened, by a chicken.
Link 	A chicken?
 	Unbeknownst to the pigs, a gigantic live chicken flies into view outside the window.
Strangepork 	But, that's ridiculous.
Piggy 	How can that be?
Strangepork 	Well, I don't know. Do you keep any chickens on the ranch?
 	Link notices the giant chicken and starts panicking.
Piggy 	No, I don't. Well, my husband and I have no chickens.
Strangepork 	Has she had any cacciatore?
Link 	(clucking noises)
Strangepork 	He has it, too!
Piggy 	Oh, no! Husband!
Strangepork 	I don't know if it's contagious, or if it's something he sa— (notices the chicken)
Piggy 	Oh, no. What is it, husband?
Strangepork 	(clucking noises)
Piggy 	Oh, no! What? Is it something you saw?
 	Chaos ensues as the house begins to shake.
Piggy 	Oh, no. An earthquake! Oh, no! Oh, oh!
 	The chicken is shown pecking at the roof of the ranch.
 	
Piggy 	Oh, what is this dreaded, terrible thing?
 	The chicken comes into view again. Everyone but Piggy faints. Piggy finally catches sight of the chicken.
Piggy 	(screams) Holy guacamole! This is a job for Wonder Pig!
 	
 	Piggy spins around and transforms into Wonder Pig. She then grows in size and breaks through the roof, displacing the chicken.
Piggy 	Beat it, ya dumb cluck! Eat your heart out, Lynda Carter.
 	Lynda and Super Rat applaud from the wings.
Lynda 	Bravo!
Statler 	How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
Waldorf 	Well, chickens thrive on corn.
 	They laugh and start clucking.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy directs the large live chicken offstage.
Piggy 	Shoo, shoo, shoo! Go on, go on. Shoo, shoo, shoo!
 	Onlookers Gonzo, Scooter, and Lew cheer.
Scooter	All right, yay!
Piggy 	Yes. That's the way it's done, boys. Heh-heh. Oh, Lynda!
Lynda 	Miss Piggy! Hi, I just want you to know that you look absolutely wonderful in that costume.
 	
Piggy 	Ah-ha, merci. Hah-hah. Aren't you sorry that, uh, you didn't bring your suit?
Lynda 	Well, uh... no.
 	Piggy frowns as Kermit rushes in to call into the intercom by his desk.
Kermit 	Okay, next number. The next number is next!
 	Kermit heads to the stage. Piggy sarcastically laughs to Lynda and walks away.
=="The Whiffenpoof Song"==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that last sketch must have pleased you poultry lovers. So, here's something for the sheep fanciers!
 	A flock of sheep sing "The Whiffenpoof Song" a capella, with a ram singing bass. A literal wolf in sheep's clothing pops into frame and takes them down, one by one.
 	
 	The ram remains and when confronted by the wolf, he says in an authoritative voice...
Super Sheep	This looks like a job for Super Sheep!
 	
 	The ram spins around and transforms into his own superhero persona. He takes out a raygun and shoots down the wolf.
 	
 	The other sheep regather and rejoice.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit notices Scooter looking up at a ladder that extends offscreen.
Scooter 	Okay, here we go!
Kermit 	Oh, they're still at it.
Scooter 	You superheroes ready up there?
Fozzie 	Yep, all set.
Gonzo 	You betcha.
Lew 	Ready to go, boy!
Link 	Stop pushing.
Scooter 	Okay. Chapter ten. How to Fly.
Kermit 	Eek, I can't watch this. (leaves)
Scooter 	Flying is a simple matter of belief. Anyone can fly as long as he believes that he can. Stand at the very top of a tall ladder...
 	
Scooter 	...and say to yourself, "I was born to fly."
Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link	I was born to fly.
Scooter 	"The air is my home."
Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link	The air is my home.
Scooter 	Now that you believe that, step off the ladder and float to the ceiling.
 	They all scream and come crashing down.
Scooter 	Fortunately, superheroes never feel pain.
 	They all rise from the floor and groan in pain. Link socks Scooter in the face.
Lew 	Oh, my achin' fish.
Link 	Oh, Mommy!
=="Orange Colored Sky"==
Kermit	Okay, here once again is our special guest star who will be joined in song and silliness by our own super goofs. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lynda Carter, yay!
 	Lynda walks along a run-down city street and sings "Orange Colored Sky." As explosions and destruction follow her on cue, so do her fellow superheroes; as she is gradually joined by Scooter, Lew Zealand, Fozzie, Gonzo, Link Hogthrob and Super Rat.
 	
 	With one last huge explosion, Lynda says over applause...
Lynda 	That one almost got me!
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, we seem to have survived another one, largely due to our really terrific guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Lynda Carter, yay!
Lynda 	You know, I just want to thank you very much because this has definitely been one of the worst experiences I have...
 	Kermit, in horror, audibly whimpers.
Lynda 	No, I'm just kidding you. I have had a fabulous time! Great. As a matter of fact, I think that we came through this with flying colors, don't you?
Scooter	Oh, more than that. We got through it with flying Muppets!
 	Everyone flies in on stage.
 	
Kermit 	Will you stop that dumb superhero business?!
Lynda 	You guys are all crazy!
Scooter	Yeah, isn't it great?
Kermit 	Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around Lynda as the credits roll. In the box, Waldorf notices Statler, now dressed in a flashy superhero outfit.
 	
Waldorf	Good grief! You've turned into...
Statler	Money Man!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts