Episode 405: Victor Borge/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 405: Victor Borge.
==Cold open==
 	Dressing room. Scooter knocks, and walks in on Victor playing "Minuet in G Major" on piano.
Victor 	Come in.
Scooter 	Victor Borge?
Victor 	Oh, hi, Scooter.
Scooter 	Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Borge.
Victor 	Fine. I'll be ready when you're ready.
Scooter 	Say, uh, what's that you're playing?
Victor 	It's Beethoven. Any requests?
Bust of Beethoven	Yes. (Victor stops) Don't play Beethoven.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Victor Borge! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
Waldorf	(to audience below) Don't despair! In half an hour, it'll be all over.
 	He and Statler chuckle.
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he's tackled by a group of babies.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Hi-ho! Thank you, thank you and welcome to another one of those things we call The Muppet Show. Tonight, our very special guest star is that master of comedy and culture, Mr. Victor Borge. And we're all very excited about it, uh —
 	The Swedish Chef enters, playing a concertina and singing a melody.
Kermit 	… uh, especially the Swedish Chef. Chef! Uh, Chef. Uh, you know, Victor Borge is not Swedish. He's Danish.
 	The Chef dismisses Kermit, tossing away the concertina and walking off.
Kermit 	Well, uh, sorry about that. Anyhow, before we get to good things like guest stars, we have to pass through some strange and unknown territory, comme ça …
 	
 	Open on an urban apartment rooftop setting. Tenants and rats go about their business until a gang of scatting pigs pop up in the windows.
Mop lady 	Pigs!
 	Link, the gang leader, emerges.
Link Hogthrob 	
Everybody wants to be a macho, macho man,
To have the kind of body that's always in demand!
Link & pigs 	
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho man, yeah!)
I've got to be a macho man! (Gotta be a…)
Macho, macho man! (Oh yeah!)
I've got to be a macho! (Hm! Yeah! Huh!)
 	Gonzo emerges, leading a gang of chickens. Patrol Bear Fozzie looks up as the chickens cluck to the music.
Gonzo 	All right! Come on now, girls! Come on, chicky-baby! Check my action! Come on, chicky! Check my action!
Everybody wants to be a macho, macho man,
To have the kind of body that's always in demand!
Gonzo & chickens	
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho!)
I've got to be a macho man! (I've gotta be a…)
Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho!
 	
 	Fozzie confronts Link, and blows his whistle. A tenant drops a flower pot on Fozzie's head, knocking him out. Meanwhile, Gonzo and the chickens dance. Gonzo puts up his dukes towards a clothesline.
Gonzo 	Come on now, fight like a shirt!
 	POW! The shirt punches him.
Link & pigs 	
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho man!)
I've got to be a macho man!
Gonzo & chickens	
Macho, macho man! (Aaaah!)
I've got to be a macho! (All right!)
 	SPROING! Gonzo uses the clothesline to launch the chickens towards the pigs on the other side.
Link & pigs 	
Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho man!
Gonzo & chickens	
(All right now!) Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho!
 	One of the chickens shoves a pig off the railing, and it lands on Fozzie as he blows his whistle. The pigs wave surrender flags.
Link & pigs 	I've got to be a macho!
Gonzo 	You're a bunch of sissies!
All 	I've got to be a macho!
 	Gonzo and the chickens cheer. Link sucks his thumb. Applause.
Waldorf 	They shouldn't allow gangs like that on the street.
Statler 	I'd rather have 'em on the street than on the stage.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs and chickens pass Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay. Nicely rumbled, there, gangs. ... Well done.
Chicken	Thanks. Nice number.
Pigs 	Yeah.
 	
Agent 	Uh, excuse me. You have a Bobby Benson workin' here?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. He's downstairs rehearsing.
Agent 	Uh, thank you.
 	Scooter sees him walk away.
Scooter	Say, who was that guy? I've seen him on television.
Kermit 	I don't know. He wanted to see Bobby.
Scooter	(scratches his head) I wish I could remember the show.
Kermit 	I wish you could remember this show!
Scooter	Oh! Right! Tell Mr. Borge to get ready for his opening number. (dashes off)
==Canteen==
 	Meanwhile, the babies rehearse as Fozzie dances to the music.
Fozzie 	Yeah, terrific! Terrific! Hey Bobby, Bobby, they're just great.
Bobby Benson	I know, I know, I know. Yeah.
Fozzie 	Just great. Yeah.
 	
Agent 	You Bobby Benson?
Bobby Benson	Well, I sure am.
Agent 	I'd like to talk to you someplace in private.
Bobby Benson	Well gee, I dunno, the uh, the babies.
Fozzie 	Oh, it's okay — Bobby, I'll take care of the babies.
Bobby Benson	Hey, thanks, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Bobby Benson	Uh, babies, take five.
 	As soon as Bobby and the agent exit, the babies begin acting up.
Fozzie 	Hey, babies! Hey babies! Hi! Hi! Hey, my name is Fozzie the bear. Yeah. Yeah. And I am going to tell you a whole bunch of funny stories.
Babies 	Stories?
Fozzie 	Yeah! All right! Did you hear the one about the two kangaroos?
 	The babies start attacking him.
Fozzie 	I guess they heard that one.
 	The babies resume attacking him.
==Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honor for me tonight to introduce our guest. He's truly one of the most distinguished and uh, funniest pianists in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borge.
 	Victor walks up to the piano and takes a bow. He takes his seat and is about to start playing, when Rowlf shows up.
Victor	Ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be a dog on the stage.
Rowlf 	Well uh, I hope you don't mind. I'm just here to admire your technique. I play the piano too, you know.
 	
Victor	Oh, you do?
Rowlf 	Yeah.
Victor	That is interesting.
Rowlf 	Yeah, I hope that's okay with you.
Victor	Yes, it certainly is. I chase cats once in awhile myself. I hope that's alright with you.
Rowlf 	Listen, be my guest.
Victor	No, you be my guest. Let's play something together.
Rowlf 	Hey! Can I do that?
Victor	What do you know? Do you know anything? Maybe something by Bark. (chuckles)
Rowlf 	My Bach is worse than my bite. (chuckles)
Victor	There are three Bachs, you know — Johann, Sebastian, and Offen Bach.
Rowlf 	I Offenbach ("often bark") myself. (chuckles)
Victor	(chuckles) He is a witty dog. Okay, what do you want to play?
Rowlf 	Uh, how about, uh, how about Lizst's Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2?
Victor	Ooh. Don't you know No. 1?
Rowlf 	(shakes head) Mm-mm.
Victor	Okay. No. 2.
Rowlf 	I'll, I'll start and you try to follow me. Here we go!
Victor	Okay.
 	Rowlf starts the vamp. Victor follows.
Victor	(aside) That's not bad.
 	They continue the vamp.
Victor	(aside) Marvelous.
 	They continue the vamp.
Rowlf 	Beautiful.
 	They continue the vamp.
Victor	(aside) A talking dog.
 	They continue the vamp.
Victor	(aside) Piano-playing, also.
 	They continue the vamp.
Victor	I wonder how his violin playing is.
 	They continue the tune.
Rowlf 	Sometimes I fiddle around.
 	They continue the tune. Midway, Victor sits on the piano, and Rowlf goes up the keys.
Victor	(aside) The cadenza.
Rowlf 	Mm-hmm.
 	Victor tickles the high notes.
Victor	Something like this, this — this is really the way it goes.
Rowlf 	I see.
Victor	Woof.
 	They continue the tune, taking turns on the up-tempo part and the finale. They shake hands. Applause.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Oh, Victor, hey, that was a nice number. Nice going, Rowlf.
Victor 	Oh, thank you, thank you very much. But I have a bone to pick with you: they gave me my fee for my performance, but look what I got instead.
 	It's a bone.
Kermit 	I think you must've gotten Rowlf's.
Rowlf 	Ooh! Hot dog! I just got a raise!
 	He takes the bone in his mouth and runs off. Victor laughs.
Victor 	Well, I'll tell you, I've worked for peanuts before. … Peanuts!
 	He takes a flower pot into the dressing room.
 	
Bobby Benson	Uh, Kermit, I'm just gonna step out for a few minutes with my friend.
Kermit 	Uh, that's fine, Bobby.
Bobby Benson	Uh, have somebody watch the babies, will ya?
Kermit 	Why, sure.
Bobby Benson	Not Fozzie. He doesn't seem to have the knack.
 	Kermit notices that Benson and the agent are handcuffed to each other.
Agent 	Come on, Benson, come on.
Kermit 	Uh, wait a minute.
Scooter 	Hey. I just remembered what TV show I saw that guy on. It was the 6:00 news! He's a cop!
Kermit 	I know.
 	The babies pop up, clamoring around Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, the problem now, is who's going to take care of the babies.
 	He notices Piggy holding one of the babies, humming a lullaby.
Miss Piggy 	Hello, Kermie. Don't worry about the babies. I shall take care of them.
Kermit 	You, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Of course! I just love children. And they adore me!
 	She leads the babies upstairs.
Kermit 	I don't believe this.
Miss Piggy 	Kermie — I'll make a wonderful mother someday.
Kermit 	(gulp)
 	She leads them to her dressing room.
Miss Piggy 	There you are. Come along, babies. (sings) The hills are alive, with the sound of music …
 	They wander into her dressing room.
Miss Piggy 	Come right in. That's right. That's right, babies. Just relax and enjoy yourselves. (shuts the door) And shut up!
=="Rock Around the Clock"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, the singing rats!
 	Open on a dark living room with a ticking grandfather clock.
 	
Rat 	
Hickory dickory dock.
The rat ran up the clock.
The clock struck one. (bong!)
 	
 	He leads the rats in a rousing rendition of "Rock Around the Clock." Suddenly they all scurry and the music goes quiet except for the clock. Catgut emerges, looks around, yawns, and goes back to sleep. The rats resume singing and dancing.
==Dressing room==
 	In his dressing room, Victor plays "The Blue Danube" but keeps stopping because it sounds off.
Victor	Something's wrong. Just a minute.
 	He pulls the sheet music from the compartment in his chair and puts it on the tray.
Victor	"The Blue Danube." By Joe Strauss.
 	He plays again, following the notation closely. It comes out the same way.
 	
Victor	I was right!
 	He puts back the sheet music.
==UK spot==
 	
 	Gonzo plays "Act Naturally" on the ukulele, which turns into a duet with his own reflection in the mirror.
Gonzo 	Hey, wait a minute. You can't do this.
Gonzo's reflection	Why not?
Gonzo 	Well, you're a reflection. You're supposed to do just what I do.
Gonzo's reflection	But you do ludicrous things.
Gonzo 	I do what?
Gonzo's reflection	Ludicrous things.
Gonzo 	Of course I do. I'm an artist!
And all I gotta do is, act naturally.
 	They continue singing. Gonzo's reflection dons different outfits. They finish the song.
Gonzo's reflection	That was terrible.
==Moonlight Sonata==
 	Fozzie knocks on Victor's door.
Victor 	Come in. But you have to be very quiet because I'm practicing.
Fozzie 	(whispers) Oh, Mr. Borge? Could I come in and hear you play?
Victor 	Yes, come right in, come right in.
Fozzie 	(loudly) Oh, terrific!
 	He slams the door, knocking down some items off the wall.
Victor 	Be quiet!
Fozzie 	Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I'll be real quiet.
Victor 	Very good. Very good.
Fozzie 	Yeah. What're you gonna play?
Victor 	I'm going to play some Beethoven. I'm playing the Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.
Fozzie 	Oh, go ahead! Yes!
Victor 	I don't think you would like it.
Fozzie 	Why?
Victor 	(shows him the sheet music) See what it says here? "Con molto tedioso."
Fozzie 	What does that mean?
Victor 	That means, "with great dullness". I didn't think you would like that, what with the way you came in here.
Fozzie 	No, go — please, please, for me?
Victor 	Okay. You'll have to be quiet.
Fozzie 	Okay. Shhh.
Victor 	Shhh. … That's the Spanish composer, El Beethoven.
 	He starts playing, but makes a mistake.
Fozzie 	You made a mistake.
Bust of Beethoven	No. That's the way I wrote it.
Victor 	Oh! Thank you.
 	
 	He begins playing again.
Victor 	Thank you.
Bust of Beethoven	You're welcome.
 	They all nod off. Victor collapses on the piano, waking Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Oh! Mr. Borge. Mr. Borge!
 	Victor and the bust wake up.
Victor 	Is it all over?
Fozzie 	That was fascinating.
Victor 	You think that was fascinating? Well, you can come back later and watch me tie my shoes. (chuckles)
Fozzie 	Aaahhhh.
==Dressing room==
 	Scooter and Kermit walk over to Piggy's dressing room.
Scooter 	Gee, Miss Piggy and the babies seem to be getting along fine.
Kermit 	Yeah. I don't understand it. (knocks) Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Oh — Kermie! Uh, the babies and I are having a wonderful time! Uh, but don't come in now. I'm just — putting them down for their naps.
Kermit 	Okay. Uh, we'll stop by later and check you.
Scooter 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy	(peers through the door crack) Uh, Scooter?
Scooter 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy	Is Kermit gone?
Scooter 	He's going downstairs.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm. Get in here.
 	She lets him in. He is shocked at what he sees.
Scooter 	Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy	Don't say anything. Just close the door.
 	The babies wreak havoc in the dressing room — swinging, playing, babbling and making a mess.
 	
Miss Piggy	Scooter … get these babies outta here!!
Scooter 	Come on, babies. Come on.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	The Chef dances with two onions as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the onions aside.
 	
Swedish Chef	Today … (mock Swedish) … de türtlë.
 	He points to the pot.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … we måke the søupå. … de türtlë søupå, jå.
 	He waves a cleaver.
Swedish Chef	Oh, türtlë.
 	He misses, as the turtle ducks his head in his shell.
Swedish Chef	Türtlë? Where's the türtlë? Whëre åre yøü?
 	He reaches into the shell and is immediately bitten. The turtle peeks his head through the other side.
Swedish Chef	Türtlë? Türtlë, türtlë, türtlë!
 	CHOP! He misses again.
Swedish Chef	Türtlë … cøme cøme cøme cøme. Cøme cøme.
 	The turtle chuckles. The Chef picks up a blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef	Økåy, türtlë … yøü gøttå de … cøme øn øüt, türtlë. Türtlë … whåt's thåt?
 	Two rifles poke out of the turtle's shell, aiming at the Chef.
Swedish Chef	Türtlë! Nøøøøø!
 	BANG! Down goes the Chef.
==Backstage==
Bobby Benson	Hey Kermit, I'm back.
Kermit 	Oh, good. The babies are upstairs with Miss Piggy.
Bobby Benson	Oh, fine.
Kermit 	Oh, and incidentally, Bobby, uh, what was that all about?
Bobby Benson	Oh, just an unpaid debt.
Kermit 	Oh?
Bobby Benson	Well, actually, I lost a lawsuit to the Tooth Fairy. Hahaha! I know.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de bøomå bøom?!?
Kermit 	Uh, take it easy, Chef! That wasn't my fault!
 	The Chef walks off, mumbling.
Miss Piggy 	Stay there. Stay there! Benson — oh! Aha. Mr. Benson? Your babies — come on, babies — they're all safe and sound.
Baby 	Bobby.
Bobby Benson	Aww, thanks, Miss Piggy. Come on, babies, we're on next. Come on downstairs. Come on.
Miss Piggy 	Kermie — what a fulfilling experience this has been.
Kermit 	Uh, well, well, face it, Miss Piggy, you're, you're just not the motherly type.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, bu-but I am!
Baby 	Goo-goo mama.
Miss Piggy 	Yeah, come to mama — AAAAHHHH!
 	She accidentally knocks the baby off the balcony. It lands in Kermit's arms.
Kermit 	It's okay, Piggy, I caught him.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh! Thank goodness! Oh!
Baby 	Piggy mommy. Kermie daddy.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. Kermie?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy 	"Out of the mouths of babes…"
Kermit 	Listen, will you get on stage? You're on next. Come on, on stage, all you kids, come on.
Bobby Benson	Okay, babies, let's go. Yeah, I know, I know.
Kermit 	Come on! Go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!
==Grand Finale==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Bobby Benson conducting the Infant Symphony in Tchaikovsky's First Piano Concerto with our guest soloist, Mr. Victor Borge!
 	The curtain opens. Victor briefly stands on the piano bench and takes a bow.
Victor 	Ladies and gentlemen, it's my privilege now to play … uh, part of, rather, the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto, by … by, uh … by all means.
 	He sits on the bench.
Victor 	Uh, may I have the — is this the orchestra?
Bobby Benson	Yep, that's my band.
 	The babies nod.
Victor 	Okay. If you are ready, please.
 	The babies begin the overture. Victor falls off the bench while playing.
Bobby Benson	You all right? You all right there?
Victor 	Yeah, I got — I got too excited.
Bobby Benson	I know, I know.
Victor 	It's a short piano, this. Okay, if you will try it again.
 	
 	The babies begin the overture again, and the performance goes off without a hitch.
 	Victor deviates a little with "Twelve Variations on "Ah vous dirai-je, Maman." The babies respond with a little "Colonel Bogey March", and Victor concludes with "Pop Goes the Weasel". He slips off the bench right as they finish. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, and so another Muppet Show has come to an end. But before we all sink slowly in the West, let us pause to say thank you to a very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borge! Yaaaayy!
Victor 	Thank you very much, Kermit. It has been a great experience, particularly the Baby Band.
 	Bobby and the babies come on-stage.
Bobby Benson	Yeah, come on, babies. Mr. Borge, since you were our guest soloist tonight, the babies would like you to have this baton as a souvenir.
Victor 	Oh, but you have given me so much already.
Bobby Benson	Like what?
 	
Victor 	Well, chicken pox.
Bobby Benson	(laughs) I know, I know.
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The credits roll as Fozzie plays with one of the babies.
Statler 	So Borge played The Muppet Show.
Waldorf 	Yep. Who won?
Statler 	This time, Victor was the loser!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts