Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV

Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV was the fourteenth edition of the biggest event in SvR06, held on April 30, 2018. The main attractions of the show were Drew Thunder defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Laugh Like Pee-wee winner Chance and Dynamite Derek in a Triple Threat match, The Shark taking on Goldberg, Brock Lesnar facing off against Batista in an Unsanctioned match, and J-Pac going one-on-one with The Undertaker with Charles Barkley as the special guest referee.
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==Background==
It was nearly two years ago that Dynamite Derek won the World Heavyweight Championship in the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest, and ever since the moment that reign came to a halt, the resilient masked marvel has vowed to once again hold the title. With help from DEFAULT, Dynamite Derek managed to best The Shark and his devious manager Walter P. Wiley to once again find himself in the main event with the title on the line. Running congruent to his road to the Fest, Chance's path has been slightly more dubious. Obsessed with proving that he is truly the Golden Boy of SvR06, Chance would win the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match in a questionable manner that resulted in a battle with Goldberg for the title opportunity. Due to the interjection of The Shark, Chance managed to slip past the fire-breathing dragon guarding the gateway to the championship. Turning attention to the champion, following his controversial cash-in at Laugh Like Pee-wee, the speculation between who the legitimate Red Head was led the two masked men to a boiling point with the title and their masks on the line. Defeated, the challenging Red Head was forced to unmask to reveal himself to be none other than Count Out all along. As the champion proclaimed himself as the true objective Red Head, he was confronted by Dynamite Derek. Dynamite confirmed everyone's suspicions when he accused the World Heavyweight Champion of being Drew Thunder, after picking up on mannerisms that only his greatest rival would exhibit. The Master of Drew-Jitsu revealed his plot to both unmask the impostor Red Head while becoming World Champion in the process. Dynamite Derek recognized that Count Out was a Red Head impersonator, but claimed that he made a better Red Head than Drew Thunder ever could. Dynamite reminded Drew that the two of them have met at the Fest before and that both tasted victory and defeat against each other. However, at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV, he promised to swing the record in his favor. Sometime later, Drew Thunder was approached by Chance with a proposition. Chance recognized that Drew was incensed at being unmasked and upstaged by Dynamite Derek, and offered him a deal. At Diaz's Fuck Fest, the two would form a temporary alliance to take out Dynamite Derek and then fight it out for the coveted title. This temporary alliance was tested, however, when the champion and challenger ambushed Dynamite Derek. As Chance held Dynamite back to receive Thunderstruck from Drew Thunder, the kick managed to find its mark upside Chance's head rather than Dynamite's. Whether the two can stay on the same page remains to be seen, but when it comes to the World Heavyweight Championship at the biggest show of the year, trust is only a five-letter word.
Laugh Like Pee-wee is typically the most unpredictable show of the year, and one of the most shocking moments in the event's history was the unexpected arrival of Goldberg. The machine of a man exploded onto the scene, eliminating eight men from the number-one entry position. However, once he thought he had the match won, he was blindsided by Chance in one of the biggest upsets of all time. Following this crushing setback, Goldberg squared off against self-proclaimed "Golden Boy" Chance at Fist F👊🏻ck Yourself to determine who truly deserved to main event the fourteenth Fest. The match-up once again turned into a showcase for the human steamroller, culminating with Goldberg nearly spearing Chance out of his boots. At that moment, The Shark made a splash on the match by brawling to the ringside area with Goldberg, resulting in a countout victory for Chance. After much contemplation, Goldberg admitted that he's spent a lot of time since that match thinking that he may have to hang up his boots for good now that The Shark has cost him his path to Diaz's Fuck Fest. The Shark's manager, Walter P. Wiley, would offer his condolences to Goldberg for the actions of his sea-monster. He explained that The Shark acted alone after becoming enraged that he wouldn't be receiving his rightful rematch for the championship he never lost and took it out on Goldberg. Walter added that he at least agrees with The Shark that it's outrageous to not have him in a featured match at the biggest show of the year. At this point, Goldberg stopped Walter. He reiterated that he had contemplated walking away, but he got to thinking that maybe he had a few more spears still in the tank. He got to thinking that maybe he had at least two badass Jackhammers left in him. And he got to thinking that since neither of them have a match, he and The Shark could put the World Title in their peripherals and make a marquee match of their own. Walter accepted the challenge on behalf of The Shark, but let Goldberg know that he was signing his own death warrant. He also added that there was no way that Goldberg would get the opportunity to use those two Jackhammers on The Shark. Goldberg agreed and told Walter that only one of them was for The Shark before hoisting him into the air and planting him into the mat with brutal force. In recent years, The Shark has patrolled the waters of SvR06. But he's never faced an animal quite like Goldberg.
After nearly a year's absence, Brock Lesnar raged back onto the scene with one goal in mind: headlining Diaz's Fuck Fest. After he came up just short of winning the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match, many questioned if Lesnar was thrown off his game due to an earlier attack at the hands of The New Guard. When confronted by Lesnar, Batista chose to deflect with insults about he and his wife before being finding himself unconscious on the concrete floor following an F5. The attack by Lesnar would result in Batista being unable to defend his half of the World Tag Team Titles, which were ultimately won by The Shithouses. After recovering from his injuries, Batista resurfaced in a fit of untamed fury to call out Brock Lesnar face-to-face. Instead, Batista was met by Lesnar's wife Sable. She informed Batista that he doesn't deserve her husband's attention. She also took the opportunity to jab back at The Animal's reference to her being Brock's "plastic wife" by suggesting that her body was far more natural than his. Batista laughed off the comments, apparently willing to accept that he didn't have Brock's attention. As he was turning away to leave the ring, he stopped and murmured that maybe he needed to do something to get Brock's attention before planting Sable into the mat with a Batista Bomb. Commissioner Barkley was so outraged by the heinous incident that he couldn't think of anything more appropriate than to suspend Batista. This wasn't enough for Brock Lesnar, however. The Beast informed Barkley that he didn't give a shit if he was suspended or not, he was going to fight Batista in the middle of the ring at Diaz's Fuck Fest whether it's sanctioned or not. While no contract has officially been signed, Lesnar will be on hand at the fourteenth Fest if Batista chooses to violate his suspension and meet him in the ring. If the two choose to go toe-to-toe at the biggest event of the year, this unsanctioned match is guaranteed to be nothing short of ugly.
As the card for Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV began to take shape, one competitor in particular didn't seem very thrilled with the way things had been playing out for him. During a press conference promoting the event, J-Pac stormed the stage and swiped the microphone out of the hands of Commissioner Barkley. He claimed that the story all of the journalists should be covering is in regards to the way Charles has shown him nothing but disrespect by omitting him from an opportunity to challenge for the World Championship at the massive event. The verbal assaults would continue, with J-Pac continue to insinuate that Barkley has no respect for him and everything he's accomplished. Eventually, this would draw the attention of The Undertaker. The Phenom informed J-Pac that in their line of work, respect isn't handed out. It's earned. In response, J-Pac did the unthinkable and spit square in The Undertaker's face. Taker recoiled and snapped back with a stare that would turn anyone's blood cold, sending J-Pac retreating. The Deadman responded with a foreboding throat-slash, symbolically sealing J-Pac's fate. J-Pac would later claim that he doesn't fear The Undertaker and his parlor tricks, and that's the exact reason why he spit in his face. He explained that he did it because he knows that to truly hurt The Undertaker, you can't just attack him physically. You have to attack his mystique. Mid-way through his speech, darkness flooded the arena and a familiar gong signified the arrival of the dreaded reaper. However, when they returned, Undertaker was in the ring by himself. From behind, J-Pac blindsided the unaware Undertaker, bludgeoning him with a sledgehammer. Before leaving the mangled mortician in the ring, J-Pac turned his attention back to the downed Deadman's hat. Laying it flat in the ring, J-Pac took the sledgehammer and obliterated the signature garb. Undertaker would respond to this ultimate act of disrespect with a solemn message for J-Pac. He informed him that he wouldn't need so-called parlor tricks to put him down. He concluded by telling J-Pac that he may try to destroy his mystique by taking his hat, and even taking his dignity, but that it will be J-Pac's soul that he takes at the Fest. J-Pac brashly retorted that he'd sold it long ago in exchange for career immortality. Seeing the way things were heating up, Commissioner Barkley reluctantly placed the two colliding forces in a match at Diaz's Fuck Fest. To ensure that things didn't get any more out of hand than they already had, Barkley named himself the special guest referee for the bout. J-Pac insisted that the commissioner didn't need to insert himself to protect his precious Undertaker from him. Barkley grimly retorted that it isn't Undertaker that he's trying to protect from harm. While Barkley was washing up in the restroom, he was startled by the reflection of The Undertaker standing behind him. Taker acknowledged that Barkley has a less than favorable opinion on J-Pac and that he probably doesn't approve of The Deadman's methods, but that if he gets in his way at any point during their match he will pay severely for it. When Barkley turned to face the apparition, he was gone. J-Pac's desire for a prominent spot at the biggest celebration of the year has landed him in the warpath of the mythical Undertaker. A victory in this match could undeniably earn him the respect he claims he hasn't received. But despite the fact that he claims his soul isn't for the taking, he'll still have to escape the dark clutches of The Undertaker with mind and body intact if he expects to leave with his hand held high by Commissioner Barkley.
Last year's In My Ass event ended in one of the most explosive scenes in SvR06 history, as Ricardo Diaz's car was engulfed in a fiery supernova while he was leaving the building. In the months following his untimely demise, The Kingpin looked to avenge the death of his partner in crime by bringing the culprit to justice. During Fisk's endeavor, however, the King of Coke himself resurfaced to reveal that he had thwarted the fatal attack and that he wanted to get The Kings of Crime back on track. Diaz picked a fight with Brock Lesnar, but ultimately left it up to Kingpin to handle the situation given his decisive victory over The Beast. In a befuddling turn of events, Ricardo attempted to gain the upper hand over Lesnar during his match with Fisk but the plot was foiled whenever Diaz accidentally tripped up his partner and cost him the match instead. Despite Kingpin's battered state as a result of his match with Brock, Diaz swiftly turned his attention to newly-crowned tag team champions The Shithouses. The Kings of Crime faced off against the champions for a shot at the gold at Diaz's Fuck Fest, the event where Diaz and Fisk first assembled and won the World Tag Team Championship. During the contest, Ricardo took advantage of a downed referee by snatching the championship belts, keeping one for himself and handing the other to Kingpin to use as a weapon against their opponents. In a shocking turn of events, Diaz struck Kingpin with one of the titles and left him in the ring to be pinned. For the first time since his return, Diaz would address the attempted car-bombing in greater detail. He admitted that if there's a silver lining to years of cocaine abuse, it's the constant paranoia. Not only did he suspect that someone was going to try to take him out, he ensured that his people would provide surveillance footage in the case of an attack. What he discovered was that it certainly wasn't Kane's doing under orders from The Undertaker as Kingpin had claimed. It was The Kingpin who had orchestrated the attack all along. Fisk came clean, confessing that he realized at last year's Fest that he was the true power behind The Kings of Crime. With Diaz out of the way, The Kingpin would take the throne as the one true King of Crime. Diaz confessed his regret that things had to come to this between them, but that if Kingpin wanted to knock him off his throne then he could make his move in the kingdom he built: Diaz's Fuck Fest. Years after the two joined forces for the first time at the biggest celebration of the year, Ricardo Diaz and The Kingpin will face off at the fourteenth installment of the Fest. Will Diaz make Kingpin pay for his crimes or will Fisk dethrone the King of Coke at his own event?
For an entire year, Muhammad Hassan has held the United States Championship. With this momentum, the self-proclaimed patriot managed to win the King of the Ring Tournament and declared himself the King of America. Hassan would rule with an iron fist, doubling down on his extreme nationalistic sentiments while viewing both foreigners and his fellow citizens as peasants. On one evening in particular, the King of America noted that a member of the United States Army was seated in the front row. He invited him into the ring and introduced him to the audience. Hassan would then abruptly point out that the soldier didn't salute him whenever he entered the ring. When the man stood by his decision, Hassan immediately attacked him. Before this heinous assault was allowed to escalate, Kurt Angle bolted to the ring and began defending the fallen soldier. The gold medalist hoisted Hassan up for the Angle Slam, but the dastardly king narrowly escaped before fleeing. Angle would acknowledge the incident at a later date, using the opportunity to give Muhammad Hassan a lesson in history. He reminded Hassan that they are in America, the United States doesn't have kings, and that the nation was formed to escape the tyranny of kings like him. Angle continued by informing him that he had no intention of returning to SvR06, but that he could no longer sit idly by and watch someone like Hassan disgrace the United States any longer by calling himself an American hero. Angle announced that at Diaz's Fuck Fest, he would be coming for Hassan's United States Championship. And much like when he won Olympic gold, he isn't doing it for himself. He's going to win it for America.
With the Intercontinental Championship left without a holder, both Chris Jericho and "Macho Man" Randy Savage stepped inside the dreaded Elimination Chamber in an attempt to become the new champion. With Savage thirsty for revenge against Jericho ever since Dr. Meinheimer, the Canuckster had every reason to be nervous whenever another Chamber pod would open. When the time came for Macho Man to join the fray, he immediately made a beeline for Jericho and quickly eliminated his rival from the match-up. After this encounter, Jericho claimed that he hasn't been able to go anywhere in months without fear of being attacked or ambushed by the maniac Savage. For that very reason, Jericho revealed that he had consulted legal assistance and filed a restraining order against the Macho Man. With his adversary out of his hair for the time being, Macho Man refocused his attention on getting The Mullet Club back on track to reaching the top of SvR06. However, things took an unexpected turn when Scott Hall was viciously attacked and taken out of action by an unknown assailant. In a rage, Savage stormed the ring and demanded Jericho confront him. Y2J appeared on the tron instead to remind Macho Man that if he attempts to retaliate against him, he will be in direct violation of Jericho's restraining order. With Scott Hall out of action, Savage and Scott Steiner attempted to keep the tandem moving forward with just the two of them. Once again, Jericho targeted another Mullet Club member by attacking Scott Steiner mid-match. Savage helplessly watched from outside the ring as Y2J held Steiner in the Walls of Jericho while tauntingly shouting at Macho Man that he couldn't touch him. At the end of his rope, Macho Man declared that he'd had enough of Jericho hiding behind his restraining order. He demanded that Jericho drop it, as well as his ridiculous Hulk Hogan-wannabe act, and face him like a man. Jericho agreed to do away with the restraining order under the condition that Macho Man grant him an Intercontinental Championship match at Diaz's Fuck Fest. Savage accepted, going as far to add that it can be an anything goes, no-disqualification bout so that he put Y2J through the kind of pain and agony that he put Hall and Steiner through. Jericho had no issues with this suggestion, ominously retorting that if Savage wants the old Chris Jericho back then he's going to get him at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV.
For years, the relationship between DEFAULT and Walter P. Wiley has been tumultuous to say the least. Whether united or at odds, the Wiley family has always been dysfunctional. Last year's Fest in particular saw this estranged pair at odds once again, as Walter's personal monster The Shark turned the lights out of DEFAULT's World Championship reign in the main event. However, DEFAULT would repay the two by assisting Dynamite Derek in earning a spot in this year's main event instead of The Shark. Despite The Shark's upcoming match with Goldberg, Walter couldn't help obsess over his own flesh and blood. Viewing DEFAULT as a big, ugly, horned albatross, Walter compelled Commissioner Barkley to fire him due to years of emotional distress. Going one step further, Walter would begin slandering DEFAULT and calling him a workplace liability. Walter brought out Herb Hebner, who claimed that the reason he lost sight in his left eye in the first place was because one of DEFAULT's horns poked him. Although there was no sufficient evidence to support this, not to mention those that claimed to see Walter slip money into Herb's pocket, the elder Wiley insisted that there was no place for DEFAULT within SvR06. DEFAULT would eventually respond to the man he would once call dad, and would later think could potentially be his uncle, by informing him that maybe he's right about there not being enough room for both of them after all. With that in mind, he issued a challenge to Walter for the two to meet one-on-one for the first time on the grand stage of Diaz's Fuck Fest. If Walter wins, DEFAULT stated that this will be his final match in SvR06 and he will walk away. Overjoyed, Walter accepted almost immediately. But DEFAULT wasn't finished. If he were to win in this climactic clash of the Wileys, Walter would be the one packing his backs. At Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV, the storied history between these two will reach its zenith. It's the biggest celebration of the year, but at the fourteenth Fest, one Wiley legacy will live on while the other will reach its end.
With Batista unable to defend his half of the World Tag Team Titles against The Shithouses, Mark Jindrak joined forces with his mentor Ric Flair to take on the ferocious felines. However, in one of the biggest upsets in SvR06 history, Josh the Cat and Jushin Tiger managed to exploit The New Guard's hubris and capture the gold for their team. For weeks after the defeat, Mark Jindrak displayed zero confidence, seemingly blaming himself for the defeat. The Nature Boy attempted to pep up his protege, proclaiming him as the man of their industry. But the dejected Jindrak could only hang his head, eventually deciding to take a brief hiatus away from the ring. After weeks of Ric Flair demanding he return to remind everyone who the man was, Jindrak reappeared at the side of his mentor once again. The Mark-Out Moment Maker admitted that he'd recently lost all motivation because he has called himself "the man" for so long, but he reached the conclusion that he didn't truly feel like "the man" that he proclaimed himself to be. At one time, he pointed out, he was the World Heavyweight Champion but he hasn't been able to call himself that in over a year. It was in his short time away that he was able to clear his head and realize that you can't call yourself the man when there's another already at the top. It was with this revelation that he took the time to quote his mentor by proclaiming that if he was going to be the man, he had to beat the man before informing Drew Thunder to keep the title warm for him. As Jindrak turned to leave with Flair, he quickly swiveled around and knocked his long-time mentor to the floor with a stiff shot to the head. He then informed The Nature Boy that the champion isn't the man he was referring to, but rather Flair is. Jindrak would then continue the assault by wrapping the solid-gold Rolex watch that Flair had once bestowed to him around his fist before using it as a weapon to soak Ric's bleach-blonde hair in crimson. Battered and betrayed, Ric Flair would eventually come to the ring on his own to address the man that he took under his wing for a number of years. He acknowledged the irony of Jindrak using the very watch that he gave him as a weapon, like the animal that bites the hand that feeds it. But as he continued, he claimed that all Jindrak has to use against him is what he's been given and taught by him. And with that in mind, Flair claimed that Jindrak still isn't half the man that he is. He would continue by removing items like his shoes, his suit jacket, and watch and would throw each of them as he went. Flair claimed that even without all of it, he's still The Nature Boy and Jindrak is merely a boy trying to play dress up in a man's world. Flair concluded by telling Jindrak that if he wants to call himself a man that he can do so by facing him Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV. Jindrak would accept, informing the teacher that it was his turn to learn a lesson from the pupil.
When it was announced that SPOOK's Number 1-A Nateflix would challenge Ben Unhinged for the Intercontinental Championship at Laugh Like Pee-wee, many didn't know what to expect. After all, it was the first time the two former partners would square off since Diaz's Fuck Fest X. Some anticipated that the reigning champion would fall victim to SPOOK shenanigans, but Nateflix insisted that his cohorts stay out of such a personal battle. The tandem kept their word and were not seen at ringside, but rather cut the power to the lights and battered The Unhinged One for Nateflix to take advantage. Rather than capitalize, Nateflix displayed a rare moment of conscience and decided to leave the ring instead. After it was announced that Ben Unhinged would be forced to relinquish the Intercontinental Championship due to the injuries he sustained in the attack, Nateflix reprimanded his fellow members of SPOOK as well as Number 1 Lita. Nateflix received the apology he was demanding from her, but it quickly became apparent that she was apologizing for the attack that followed from Iron Sheik and Winslow J. Wiley. The trio left Nateflix in a crumpled heap as they had done to Ben Unhinged, taking his SPOOK membership ring as they left. Ben Unhinged would return from injury to confront the destructive threat of SPOOK, but would continue to fall victim to the numbers game. Eventually, he would admit that perhaps he just couldn't contend with a force like SPOOK. Unless, of course, he were to even the odds. With no other choice in his mind, Ben Unhinged informed SPOOK that it was time for him to get the band back together and that they would see them at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV. For the first time in five years, The Pranksters will join forces at the big event. But if their comeback is to be successful, they will have to overcome one of the most efficient teams in recent years. Will The Pranksters be the team to finally thwart their opponent's goals of World Tag Team domination or will SPOOK continue their path of destruction at the biggest celebration of the year?
Since becoming a regular showcase at the biggest event of the year, the Money in the Bank Ladder match has provided a golden ticket for many rising stars to ascend to the top of the ranks and become World Heavyweight Champion. In fact, 71 percent of the match's winners have used the contract to become champion ever since it was first suspended above the Diaz's Fuck Fest canvas. In the weeks prior, Carlito suggested that this match could provide the opportunity for him to finally step out of the shadow of unsuccessful tag teams and make his way back to the top of the mountain. At the same time, Chavo Guerrero refused to accept defeat from his former muchacho and declared that he was going to win the contract for no other reason than to stop Carlito from doing so. All the while, Rob Van Dam and Damaged Wing continued to one-up each other, leading to the dysfunctional alliance bickering over which would seize the moment and capture the title opportunity this year. On top of that, Rob Conway continued to antagonize Sheamus by handing out sunglasses to the front row of fans so that they wouldn't be blinded by his complexion. Sheamus would eventually respond by giving Conway another reason to sport his signature sunglasses: an Irish kiss and a black eye. Feeling that all six were more than qualified to compete in the Money in the Bank Ladder match, Commissioner Barkley was left with the difficult decision of who would make the cut. Ultimately, as his intention has been to make this the biggest Fest of all time, Barkley decided that it was fitting to hold the biggest Money in the Bank Ladder match of all time by including all six in the monumental contest. With four match veterans and two former winners involved, history would suggest that the odds are in their favor. However, history has also shown that greenhorns like Rob Conway and Chavo Guerrero are not to be overlooked.
In the weeks leading up to the Fest, rumors began swirling that the legendary Andre the Giant had once fathered a child unbeknownst to him. What was even more astonishing was that this individual, without knowing the circumstances of their conception, entered the same field of work as their giant father. As everyone speculated over who this mystery child could be, Big Show looked on in disbelief that it wasn't assumed that he was the one spawned from Andre's gargantuan grapefruits. Although he felt that he was the most obvious and likely candidate to hold the title of Andre's son, the Big Nasty Bastard was informed that titles were earned in professional wrestling. With that in mind, a search was put out for those who best fit the profile of Andre's potential child. Those individuals, including Big Show, will all compete at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIV in an over-the-top-rope battle royal to determine who is truly the offspring of Andre the Giant.
Five of the best and brightest cruiserweights will compete for The Hurricane's coveted Cruiseriweight Title. After taking advantage of Just Christian's friendship to win the title by questionable means, The Hurricane turned his back on the fans who he claimed he was trying to save the cruiserweight division for in the first place. Instead, the champion informed everyone that from now on, they could all save themselves. Just Christian, Daivari, Spike Dudley, and Rey Mysterio will all challenge the self-centered superhero in a Fatal Five-Way elimination match for the gold.
After Tajiri retained his Hardcore Championship against his couples counselor Steven Richards, the good doctor informed he and girlfriend Torrie Wilson that he felt it would be best if they no longer sought out his services. Shortly thereafter, Torrie began receiving odd love letters from a secret admirer only referring to himself as "The Big O." Suspiciously, he was revealed to be a sex addicted patient of Dr. Steven's, who would write in one of his letters that wanted to go hardcore. He also included that he wanted to challenge Tajiri for his title as well.
The Shithouses shocked the world when they defied the odds and became World Tag Team Champions. However, this Cinderella story could strike midnight when members of Chance's VIP Section, Goldust and Diamondust, look to bring home some gold of their own against the newly minted champions.
==Results==
No.	Matches 	Stipulations
1P 	The Shithouses (Jushin Tiger & Josh the Cat) (c) (with Chewbacca) def. The VIP Section (Goldust & Diamondust) (with Chris Masters)	Tag team match for the World Tag Team Championship
2P 	The Big O (with Dr. Steven Richards) def. Tajiri (c) (with Torrie Wilson) 	Hardcore match for the Hardcore Championship
3P 	Just Christian def. The Hurricane (c), Spike Dudley, Rey Mysterio, and Daivari 	Fatal Five-Way for the Cruiserweight Championship
1 	Carlito def. Rob Van Dam, Rob Conway, Damaged Wing, Chavo Guerrero, and Sheamus 	Money in the Bank Ladder match
2 	Kurt Angle def. Muhammad Hassan (c) by submission 	Singles match for the United States Championship
3 	Count Out def. Big Show, Dr. Frank, Bimbo the Caveman, The Great Khali, and Diesel 	Andre the Giant Paternity Test Battle Royal
4 	Mark Jindrak def. Ric Flair 	Singles match
5 	The Pranksters (Nateflix & Ben Unhinged) def. SPOOK (Iron Sheik & Winslow J. Wiley) (with Lita) 	Tag team match
6 	Chris Jericho def. "Macho Man" Randy Savage (c) 	No-disqualification match for the Intercontinental Championship
7 	DEFAULT def. Walter P. Wiley 	Loser Leaves Town match
8 	The Kingpin def. Ricardo Diaz by submission 	Singles match
9 	Brock Lesnar def. Batista  	Unsanctioned match
10 	Tommy Wiseau, The Rock, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin def. James Ellsworth, Scott Taylor, and "Illustrious" Damien Sandow 	Six-man tag team match
11 	The Undertaker def. J-Pac 	Singles match with Charles Barkley as the special guest referee
12 	The Shark def. Goldberg 	Singles match
13 	Dynamite Derek def. Chance and Drew Thunder (c) 	Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship
The stars were truly out and shining bright on the biggest night of the SvR06 calendar, Diaz’s Fuck Fest. The pre-show panel of Commissioner Barkley, Arrested Developmental General Manager Ted DiBiase, and Hall of Famer Mick Foley welcomed everyone before the festivities kicked off with the World Tag Team Championship match.
Defending champions The Shithouses, lead to the ring by group figurehead Chewbacca, put the titles up for grabs against Chance’s VIP Section, Goldust and Diamondust, with personal bouncer Chris Masters in tow. While the dusty duo set out to prove that Josh the Cat and Jushin Tiger’s title win was nothing more than a fluke, their doubts were quickly laid to rest after a thunderous Tigerbomb put away the bedazzled brethren.
The following match-up pitted Hardcore Champion Tajiri against Dr. Steven Richards’ oversexed patient The Big O. Before their championship match, the bathrobe-clad Big O had alluded that he intended to give Tajiri a big L before he gave his girlfriend Torrie Wilson “The Big O.” In the end, the sexual advances of his opponent took Tajiri’s eye off the ball and found him on the receiving end of a Sex Driver that would bring his reign as champion to an end.
The third and final bout on the pre-show featured the best and brightest of the cruiserweight division battling it out for the deceitful Hurricane’s championship in a Fatal Five-Way match. While Spike Dudley, Daivari, and Rey Mysterio held nothing back to get their hands on the gold, it was ultimately Just Christian and The Hurricane that closed out the contest. When the self-appointed savior of the division pulled the referee into Just Christian’s line of fire, it looked that The Hurricane would pull out yet another underhanded victory. However, the crafty Christian took a page out of his rival’s book before assisting the official to his feet to make the cover. After a long, arduous journey, Just Christian can finally call himself Cruiserweight Champion.
With the preliminaries concluded, it was time for this year’s Money in the Bank Ladder match, The biggest in Fest history, six men would battle it out for the coveted championship opportunity. This field of potential heirs to the contract included the now-estranged El Muchachos, and while it may not have been what was once envisioned, MuchachoMania became a reality as Carlito and Chavo traded blows atop a teetering ladder. Rob Van Dam and Damaged Wing were no exceptions to the high-octane action, continuing their respectful rivalry by putting everything on the line against one another in the name of the title opportunity that dangled high above. With victory in his sights, the pupil of Pepe ascended the ladder towards the career-changing prize that awaited him. Yet once again, Carlito took no time in stealing Chavo’s moment as he knocked his former partner to the unforgiving ground, stealing the contest in the process.
Backstage, Lita attempted to hire two mercenaries to help guarantee SPOOK victory in their match with The Pranskters. While she agreed to pay them up front, the duo demanded to be provided beer as well. The camera panned out to reveal the APA, seated in the familiar environment of their office and poker table.
The next contest featured The King of America, Muhammad Hassan, putting his year-long reign as United States Champion on the line against Kurt Angle. While Hassan had been dominant in his year as champion, it was apparent early on that he was out of his element against the Olympic gold medalist’s offensive arsenal. Angle wasted little time in locking Hassan firmly within his signature ankle lock, but the reigning King of the Ring made a timely dash for the ropes to immediately break the hold. Perhaps realizing that he was outmatched, Hassan attempted to retain his title both by getting himself counted out as well as his opponent. When both attempts failed, Hassan resorted to getting himself disqualified as a means of leaving with the gold. Fortunately, Angle thwarted his scheme and surprised his foe with an unrelenting ankle lock that would secure him the victory and the United States Championship.
After weeks of searching for competitors that best fit the profile, it was time for the Andre the Giant Paternity Test Battle Royal to determine who was the long-lost son of Andre the Giant. Big Show naturally made his way to the ring first, still personally feeling that he was the most obvious candidate. He was joined by an eclectic ensemble of Bimbo the Caveman, The Great Khali, Dr. Frank, “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel, and Count Out. As the towering titans began to fall one by one, the over-the-top-rope fray came down to the unlikely pairing of Big Show and Count Out. Clearly feeling he wasn’t a threat, the World’s Largest Athlete toyed with the tenacious Transylvanian. In a moment of hubris, Big Show found himself caught off guard and dumped over the top rope by the Count. With that, Count Out was declared Andre the Giant’s son, adding disturbing new context for what Andre may have meant when he claimed that Transylvanian women were experts at sucking.
After his heinous betrayal of his mentor, Mark Jindrak looked to become the man by beating the man. Though Jindrak entered this battle with the goal of putting the old dog down, Ric Flair was determined to prove that he still had new tricks up his sleeve. While Flair had seemingly crafted Jindrak into a worthy successor, it was clear throughout the match-up that nobody could out-Nature Boy the Nature Boy. Flair seemed to have a counter for each hold Jindrak attempted to apply, and it was assumed the same would follow as the former pupil looked to place Flair in the Figure-4 Leg Lock. Instead, Jindrak proved that he could in fact bring more to the table than what he learned from Flair when he applied a new signature leg hold of his own. Flair escaped with an assist from the referee’s leg, but the damage had clearly been done. With a devastating Mark-Out to the battle-worn ring veteran, Mark Jindrak successfully managed to beat the man.
With the band officially back together, the following tag team match opened with a thrilling police chase outside the arena. The two soul men known as The Pranksters danced their way to the ring to battle it out with the dominant combination of Iron Sheik and Winslow J. Wiley. In her never-ending manipulation, Lita attempted to remind her former comrade Nateflix of what they built together with SPOOK. But even her coercion couldn’t compete with the joy it brought him to join in riding Sheik around the ring like a horse with his fellow prankster. With the upper hand over SPOOK, and the APA nowhere in sight, The Pranksters picked up the win in their first match back together as a team.
Up next, DEFAULT was set to challenge Walter P. Wiley in a conclusive Loser Leaves Town match. Before the match could begin, Walter used an interview opportunity backstage guarantee that he was about to fist DEFAULT out of SvR06 for good. However, when his music played, nobody came to the ring. When the cameras caught up with him, Walter was fleeing the building. Once DEFAULT caught sight of this, he quickly sprinted back up the entrance ramp to catch up to his cowardly opponent.
Back in the APA’s office, Bradshaw commended Faarooq for having the idea to take the money paid upfront to them by Lita and bet it on The Pranksters to win. This was overheard by Iron Sheik and Winslow, who were already infuriated that the two didn’t assist them as instructed. Things didn’t remain docile for long, and SPOOK was quickly propelled out the APA’s office door.
We see that boxing icon Mike Tyson is seated in the front row before Mullet Club member Scott Steiner joins the commentary team for the upcoming Intercontinental Championship match. “Macho Man” Randy Savage entered first, making it no secret that he was more than ready for this no-disqualification war. Before he could make it to the ring, however, Chris Jericho proved that the old Y2J was indeed back by jumping Savage from behind to gain an early advantage. The upper hand was traded back and forth, but the Mullet Club’s faithful leader truly took charge once Jericho became embroiled in a spat with Steiner. Unable to contain himself after what Jericho had put he and Scott Hall through, Steiner would eventually toss his headset aside and make his way towards the ring. In a shocking turn of events, Scott Steiner instead tackled Macho Man to the mat and allowed Jericho to pin him following his patented Lionsault to become the new Intercontinental Champion.
After this surprising turn of events, we were abruptly thrown back into the Wiley saga as DEFAULT threw Walter out onto the stage after evidently catching up with him. Walter continued to run with DEFAULT in hot pursuit, but this time he baited the youngest Wiley into several underhanded tactics. After a series of eye pokes, foot stomps, and nut shots, Walter potentially may have had the match in the bag. That was until he took a moment to make inflammatory remarks to the fan seated behind him. Unfortunately for Walter, it wasn’t any ordinary fan. It was Mike Tyson, who swiftly made him eat his words along with a knuckle sandwich. DEFAULT collected Walter and planted him with a Funny-5 before covering him for the win. Commissioner Barkley entered the ring to dismiss Walter, but the incensed Wiley refused to leave at his own will. Left with no other choice, Barkley requested Walter be removed by a team of security as the crowd serenaded him out of the building and out of SvR06.
In the next bout, The Kingpin looked to spoil Ricardo Diaz’s return to his own event after he unsuccessfully attempted to rub out his former partner in crime. Always one to make an entrance, the King of Coke arrived at the stadium by helicopter in spectacular form. While Kingpin may have had the size advantage over his opponent, he may not have accounted for just how well his former cohort could predict his next move. Fisk was no slouch himself, turning the tables on Diaz by choking him on the top rope in a moment that evoked the conclusion of Kingpin’s most recent encounter with Brock Lesnar. Kingpin would capitalize with The Blast, but Diaz was resilient and managed to slip out from beneath the lateral press. Despite Ricardo’s narrow escape from defeat, the damage to the torso had been done. This allowed Kingpin the perfect opportunity to lock in his crushing bear hug and force Diaz to submit at the very event held in his honor.
Following this crushing defeat, the recently suspended Batista made his way to the ring for his unsanctioned showdown with Brock Lesnar. Once the spectacle had ended, the tone quickly shifted to that of a knock-down, drag-out fight between Beast and Animal. The two traded fists and finishing maneuvers to the point that both gladiators were reduced to crumpled heaps struggling to maintain their footing. As it seemed nothing would put either man down for the count, Lesnar resorted to a rare ascension to the top rope. The Beast attempted to put his opponent away with a Shooting Star Press, but Batista rolled out of the way enough for only Lesnar’s head to hit his target. The maneuver was enough to earn Brock the victory over The Animal, even if he might not remember it.
In the ring, special guest Tommy Wiseau was interviewed about scouting wrestlers for his next film when he was interrupted by “Illustrious” Damien Sandow and his job security. Sandow was disgusted that airtime would be devoted to Wiseau while he sits on the sidelines without a match. In retaliation for this interruption, Wiseau challenged Sandow to a match. After further provocation in the form of the director’s grating chicken sounds, The Illustrious One agreed with the added bonus that the next two people to walk through the curtain would team with Wiseau just to make it fair. Sandow immediately regretted this decision when the next two individuals to make their way to the ring were none other than The Rock and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. As soon as the bell rang, Sandow immediately tagged in James Ellsworth to kick off this impromptu six-man tag match. Ellsworth was quickly faced with a Stone Cold Stunner, Rock Bottom, and People’s Elbow in a matter of seconds. Wiseau would then tag himself in and cover Ellsworth to score the victory for his team. The unlikely trio celebrated their victory, but it was short-lived as the Texas Rattlesnake served up a Stunner for Tommy as well.
Putting his duties as commissioner aside, Charles Barkley entered the ring to officiate the highly-anticipated match between J-Pac and The Undertaker. Although Barkley did right by The Phenom’s warning to stay out of his way, he was left with no choice when J-Pac used him as a human shield early into the match-up. The battle would quickly spill to the outside of the ring when Undertaker threw caution to the wind and soared over the top rope onto J-Pac. Following a chokeslam through the announce desk, Taker continued to pummel his opponent back inside the ring. With momentum in his favor, the Deadman looked to finish J-Pac off with a Tombstone Piledriver. However, Barkley noted that J-Pac’s foot was under the rope and refused to count the pin. Undertaker was dissatisfied by the call, viewing it as an obstruction on Barkley’s part, and callously removed him from the ring for his transgression. In this time, J-Pac had recovered and retrieved the sledgehammer he used to destroy The Undertaker’s signature hat weeks prior. With Barkley still out of commission, J-Pac bludgeoned his opponent with the weapon repeatedly before going for the cover. After what could have very well been multiple three counts, Barkley dove back into the ring to count the fall. As his hand was about to strike the mat for the third time, The Undertaker propelled J-Pac and zeroed in on putting him away with a flurry of attacks. With a thunderous Last Ride, and a stern glare in Barkley’s direction, The Undertaker covered and defeated J-Pac.
With no Walter in his corner, The Shark was forced to face Goldberg alone is a colossal meeting of two of SvR06’s most destructive forces. Goldberg started the match-up strong, hitting The Shark with spear after badass spear from nearly every direction. The crowd watched on with baited breath, awaiting to see if Goldberg could manage to deliver that one Jackhammer he claimed he had left in the tank. In an unprecedented display of strength, Goldberg hoisted the behemoth up and drove him into the mat with unbridled force. With The Shark seemingly put down for the count, it was all the more surprising when the gargantuan sea-beast managed to force his shoulder up at the last second. An awestruck Goldberg looked on, devising a way to defeat an opponent like no other he had ever faced. But the wave of momentum shifted in the favor of The Shark, who quickly drove Goldberg to the ground before finishing him off with an earth-quaking Shark Splash.
With that, it was time for the Triple Threat main event for the World Heavyweight Championship. Despite entering as champion, Drew Thunder worked out an agreement with Chance prior to the event that the two would take out Dynamite Derek early and battle it out for the title from there. However, this alliance quickly proved fragile as both competitors deviated from the plan in an attempt to go for the gold early on. In an ironic display, the two men that conspired to work as a unit against Dynamite Derek would play into his hand. Unfortunately for The Master of Drew-Jitsu and The Golden Boy, Dynamite Derek had his claws out on this night. With a conclusive Boom Goes The Dynamite, Dynamite Derek pinned Chance to win the World Heavyweight Championship after overcoming so much to earn it back.