The First Lady of Cactustan

This is the fifth episode of The SBFW Chronicles.
==Transcript==
(Vanessa is listening to her favorite music on her computer)
Vanessa: Ah, my dear friend. I see you’ve made it for the presentation. What presentation, you may ask? Of course, to be the first lady of Cactustan.
(Someone whispers into her ear)
Vanessa: Really? That’s how it actually works? Well fuck.
(Technical difficulties, stand by)
Vanessa: I see you’ve made it for the presentatio-
Pluto: I’M VANESSA’S HUSBAND!
Vanessa: Shh! Anyway, I think I deserve to be the first lady of Cactustan. And… my husband to be president of Cactustan.
Pluto: I’M GONNA BE PRESIDENT!
Vanessa: Please shut the fuck up. Anyways, without any further interruption, I will explain why I think I should be the first lady of Cactustan.
(She pulls out a slideshow, and goes to the first slide)
Vanessa: First things first: the education system is a mess. We need to fix it. “How?”, you may be asking. Well, how about we just replace the teachers with robots? They’re much more capable of teaching things, like explaining how communism works. We obviously haven’t gotten it to work yet, and these robot teachers will show us that communism can and will work in the right circumstances. Communist propaganda aside, we need to replace our boring human teachers with beep boops. Like NotSoBot over here.
NotSoBot: You actually gave me the nickname Nasty far-right.
Vanessa: Oh yeah. (whispering) He is pretty far-right, not gonna lie.
NotSoBot: I’m not far right by the way, that’s fake news!
Vanessa: Moving on, then. (she moves to the second slide) Second, we need to ban all cars. Why? Because I have 20 accounts of DUI and I’ll never get those accounts back. (clears her throat) I mean, cars are bad and produce way too much carbon dioxide for this planet to handle. That’s why I want to ban cars. Any questions?
Pluto: (raises his hand)
Vanessa: Yes, Pluto?
Pluto: Can we have sex now?
Vanessa: (slaps Pluto)
Pluto: Hey, you promised!
Vanessa: No I didn’t. Moving on, then. (she moves onto the last slide) Finally, the last reason I want to be the first lady of Cactusan, is that our current president's a bitchass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife. That’s right, he took his small ass dingy dong out and he pissed on my fucking wife. And I said “that’s disgusting!” So I’m making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Zoltan Auger, you got a small dick, it’s the size of this cactus except WAY smaller.
Pluto: SHITPOST ALERT!
Vanessa: (puts duct tape around Pluto’s mouth) Much better. So, what do you folks at home think? Vote for us and we’ll give everyone a free cactus!
(The laptop of an unknown user is shown zooming out to show a messy room. The user is revealed to be…)
???: MY MOM!
???’s mom: That doesn’t even make any sense!
Crazy: God damn it, mom, not again! Always ruining my jokes.
Crazy’s mom: Also what did I say about being online with strangers? You’re grounded until Life in Bikini Bottom season 3 finishes!
Crazy: But mom-
Crazy’s mom: I know it probably won’t finish until like 2025, that’s the whole point!
Crazy: I was gonna vote for Pluto though…
Crazy’s mom: You can’t vote because I said so!
Crazy: That’s dumb logic-
Crazy’s mom: Go up to your room right now, Aidan sir!
(Crazy trudges to his room)
(Election day…)
TV anchor: And we have finally gotten the results for the election. A landslide of 99.9%, the winner is The Kid LAROI!
Vanessa: What?!
TV anchor: Surprisingly popular hip hop rapper artist or whatever, Kid LAROI is Cactustan’s new president, and will be inaugurated next Friday!
Vanessa: I wanted to be first lady!
TV anchor: And LAROI’s first lady is… a cardboard cutout of Beyonce!
Vanessa: I can’t even-
TV anchor: And coming up next, two puppies are having very intense an- (Vanessa turns the TV off)
Vanessa: That’s enough…
Pluto: Are you winning, sis?
Vanessa: Don’t even think about it…
(end)
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