The Lord's Prayer Ritual

thumb|center|335 px|Sid's Super Sidious CreepypastasThe vastness of space. The unexplored depths of the ocean. So hostile, so cold, and so dark are these places; yet, such wonders they hold. Countless new discoveries are waiting to shock, surprise and jar our understanding of the world we live in and test the limits of our imagination and to satiate our appetites for knowledge. Instead, we preoccupy ourselves with the afterlife. We obsess over what happens to us when we die. We ponder where we go once we take our last breath. Is there something more after death? Does the soul merely abandon the constraints of the flesh, with all cherished memories and experiences of life still intact or do we simply blink out of existence? Then there is the most profound question to reflect upon: "Am I going to heaven or hell?”
Tell me, Child of Eden. Are you one who has lived a life of sin and committed transgressions in such number that it blemishes your soul? Do you question the very possibility of forgiveness even if you were to repent with all your might?
Have you come to the realization that the deity you worship did not come to be from divine intervention, but simply from whatever doctrine that so happens to be dominant in the land of your birth? Consider this: If you had been born across the sea, would you not be praying to another god? How confident are you that you are praying to the right god? Is your confidence greater than those who pray to a rival god? Is the magnitude of your faith any different from them?
What if you have lived a good life, yet never swore allegiance to one god or another? Is that sufficient justification for a loving god to damn your soul to an eternity of torment as some doctrines teach?
How deeply do these mysteries vex your waking mind? How deeply do you long for these answers? Do such questions eat away at the gray matter of your brain? Do they suckle upon the anxieties and fears that tickle the back of your throat? Well, worry not. You are in good hands and good company, for such inquiries are well known to me.
Come closer, lad. I wish to whisper a secret to you. Are you willing to brave and travel upon the strange and unfamiliar waters for such revelation? What you seek can be found. The answers you desire can be yours. All can be revealed to you—if you are willing to risk all.
What say you? Does a fire still burn in your heart to know, with assurance, if a heavenly reward awaits you in the afterlife or an eternity of fire and brimstone?
Yes? 
Good.
It begins with water. Water is the medium which your mind will use to enter the hidden realm and give you an audience before the one you seek. Such a wondrous thing water is; it exists as liquid and hardens to ice. It falls from the sky and floats on the currents of the air. It gently soothes the burns received from the sun's fiery kiss and is powerful enough to carve canyons through the rocks of the mightiest mountains. Such a wondrous thing this water is.
Begin by drawing yourself a bath at a temperature you find soothing and relaxing. To ease your transition into the other realm, baptize the water with the following items:
♦ The essence of rose hip cultivated from the first bulbs of spring.
♦ Sea salt from waves that crash under a new moon's shadow.
♦ Petals from the fragile sun opener flower, wilted and fermented under the rays of the sun for one full rotation.
♦ Stems and leaves of the blue lotus flower, ground and infused with virgin oil blessed by a holy man of any doctrine or belief.
Now, in the days of old many concoctions and elixirs were used of questionable quality and effectiveness, all with unpredictable and undesirable results. To pass through the portal, you must alter your mind. You must dull and sedate your senses. Sadly, most of these potions brewed by the incompetent and unskilled ended with another outcome—a body, dead and submerged under water. Well, look on the bright side...at least the water had a pleasant aroma to it. Who could ask for a better grave?
Now, in this modern world, such things are no longer a challenge. Never has it been more easy to obtain chemicals and substances to enable you to reach these states of mind and perception. Take Ambien, for example. Since its arrival, many have I guided into the very place you seek to go. Ah, Ambien, such an innovative and glorious creation. Ambien, fast and effective with none of that unpleasantness and grogginess one encounters from the potions of old. Who wants to return from an inter-dimensional realm suffering from a hangover and not be of clear mind?
Take six of the pills and swallow them whole.
Extinguish all sources of light in your bathroom and remove your clothing. As you entered the world naked, so shall it be to reach your destination. Lay down in the water.
A simple child's prayer and nursery rhyme shall serve as your incantation. Speak these words with me and the ritual will begin.
:"Now I lay me down to sleep,
:I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
:If I die before I wake,
:I pray the Lord my soul to take.
:Now I am laying down to sleep,
:I pray to you, Lord, my soul to keep.
:Hide me from thy angels in the night,
:And keep me safe from their wicked sight.
:Lord, I lay down to go to sleep,
:Lord, I pray to you my soul to keep.
:If thy angels see me through the night,
:Please, please, please,
:Keep me safe till morning's light.
:I laid myself down to sleep,
:I prayed to you, Lord, my soul to keep.
:If thy angels come for me this very night,
:Please wake me before they can steal my light."
Minutes will feel like seconds. Seconds will slow to a crawl. Time will lose all sense and meaning. As you speak each verse, you will go deeper into a dream state. Time will pass, and the water will cool, slowly lowering your body's temperature. Your simulation of death opens the doorway and you begin to permeate the ethereal lattice work and membranes that hold and separate realities. Awareness will gradually return and your mind will begin to clear—you are no longer in your tub.
The chamber is large and in complete darkness except for a bright light that shines above you. You are unable to see walls or the ceiling; only endless water disappearing in the distance. The water is waist deep and deathly still; no ripples or movement disturb the surface.
Soon, from out of the darkness, you will hear something emerge from underneath. The sounds are distorted within this chamber; you are unable to discern from which direction it comes from or if there is more than one body rising from beneath the surface.
Now, one of two things may happen. One, whatever rose from under the water will carefully study you. After some time, you will hear a deep sigh and it will slowly submerge back to were it was and be gone. You are free to stay here as long as you will, although I would recommend a hasty departure at this point. Begin willing yourself to awaken from your sleep state. Enough time in the real world has passed for the chemicals to work their way out of your system. Awaken so that you may complete the ritual.
The sigh you heard reveals that your fate is undetermined, and your free will is intact to do good or evil. The fate of your soul has not been written. Does that mean you have been granted entry into the kingdom of heaven when your life comes to an end? Understand this: No mortal is guaranteed entry to the gates of paradise, for such things cannot be known. The gods can be very picky when it come to who they will be spending eternity with. Nothing is promised for entry to such places, no matter what you choose to call it—heaven, Shangri-La, Valhalla, or the Elysian Fields.
Now, if no sigh comes out from the distance, there will be a silence and the water will grow cold. Suddenly, violent splashing will shatter the silence. Something large is charging toward you. It is running full speed and feverishly scrambling to reach you in a blind rage. Again, the echoes make it impossible to determine in which direction it approaches you and how many bear down on you.
It is now time to will yourself awake. Take command of your senses and your consciousness. You have the answer you sought. It has caught the scent from the stench of your rotting soul and it sees no redemption in you. It finds no redeemable traits in you. All paths that lay before you lead to damnation. If you value what life you have left to live, rouse yourself from sleep.
If you can pull yourself out of the sleeping realm, you will find yourself in your familiar bathroom in the tub full of water. The water is now frigid. Your body is cramped and weak from sitting in the chilly water for all this time. Use whatever strength your fear has given you and pull yourself out of the water. You must do this quickly, for the portal is still open and you are not free from peril. Remove the drain plug immediately to release the water and collapse the doorway. This is why a clear mind and your full mental faculty is imperative, for if you take too much time and you see movement under the water, you are too late. Something has followed you and was able to cross over. Do not go near the water or put your hands underneath the surface. All that can be done is delay its approach by finishing the incantation and ending the ritual.
If you were quick in action and closed the portal in time, live your life as you would. Do what you will with the knowledge you gained, but consider this—just as the entry into paradise is not guaranteed, perhaps the same can be said about hell.
If you were too slow to close the doorway, enjoy what few days remain for you. Appreciate what life has offered you, for very soon the beast will return. It will approach you with the stealth of a serpent. It will rip your soul from your flesh and drag you screaming to the dark pits of hell.
The final step, regardless of what you heard and saw, is to finish your incantation. Like all prayers, you must end your plea with this single word:
:"Amen."
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