Misinformation Sub-Page: Andy Zaltzman

Such was the response by Buglers to fill the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page with lies that the list became so large that it has become necessary to split up the entries into categories. This is not simply because the page became too big for some individuals to properly edit or view, but also because it would eventually get to the point where those people who foolishly try to read the whole list in one sitting would find their heads melting, Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (This has been independently verified to be true by experts).
The following is the list contains all of the lies from the main page that deals with Andy Zaltzman. Please continue to add to it if you feel so inclined, or even if you don't feel so inclined.
*Andy's origonal surname was Locke. He changed it so it could sound too jewish for the entertainment business when he had different career plans. He meant to change it back when starting the bugle but forgot.
*Andy Zaltzman wasn't the original Gerber baby.
*Andy Zaltzman's humanitarian works include providing enough hair clippings to create 14 wigs for the Wigs for Kids programme - providing head coverings for children who have lost their hair through chemotherapy. Sadly, not one child has had the courage to wear one, but the charity raised essential funds by selling them to a clown costumier. Andy also completed the Great North Run while cooking a carbonara on a camping stove he pushed along in a wheelbarrow, a task made more difficult because he was dressed as John Oliver at the time. This stunt netted £4.23 for the World Pigeon Fund, an organisation that works tirelessly to rehome displaced pigeons.
* Despite popular belief Andrew Zaltzman was not the first African-American President of the United States of America. It was in fact 'Golden Girls' actress Bea Arthur, proving what a versatile actress she truely is.
* Andy's great grandfather, Solomon Z Zaltzman (1874-1912), formulated a theory of quantum mechanics some the 7 years before Max Planck proposed that any energy is radiated and absorbed in quantities divisible by discrete ‘energy elements’, E, such that each of these energy elements is proportional to the frequency ν with which they each individually radiate energy. However, two days after noting his ideas in his journal, Zaltzman discredited his own theory as 'ridiculous'and developed a thought experiment to demonstrate why this was the case. He wrote: 'One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small, that perhaps in the course of the hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer which shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts.' His words, which were unpublished during his lifetime, were discovered by Erwin Schrödinger in 1928 who subsequently published them as his own, thus perpetrating one of the greatest frauds in the history of theorectical physics.
* When Swann bowled Johnson on 20 July 2008 to win England their first test against Australia at Lords' Cricket Ground since 1934, Andy Zaltzman came within 3 degrees centigrade of spontaneously combusting.
* "Jive lo horn" is an anagram of Andy Zaltzman's full name, according to 'Canasta Boats Irish Origami' the official journal of the British Anagram Association (p.146-153, Sept 03).
*The original "Andy Zaltzman" was replaced between episodes 38 and 39 following a fight over a lemon.
*Andy Zaltzman's has tried on several occasions to build a time machine in order to masturbate of the dying body of Florence Nightingale.
*Andy Zaltzman is soluble in water. He is no longer allowed into Streatham Municipal Baths for this reason.
*Andy Zaltzman spent much of 2004 as a prop forward for the Leicester Tigers, having assumed the identity of Austin Healy for tax purposes.
*Andy Zaltzman is worshipped as a God by Prince Phillip.
*When Andy Zaltzman appeared on stage during John Oliver's first television special, 7,342 televisions across the globe spontaneous combusted in a shower of very hot and profound sparks.
*Andy Zaltzman taught Chuck Norris how to roundhouse kick; John Oliver taught Andy Zaltzman how to roundhouse kick. By the Transitive Property of Roundhouse Kicks, this means John Oliver is Chuck Norris.
*Andy Zaltzman has lent his name to an elaborate chess gambit involving sacrificing a rook and bishop in exchange for 2 pawns and a packet of crisps.
*Andy Zaltzman's great great great great great great grandfather invented the martini in 1547. He tried to copyright it, but remembering to patent something is tough when you are completely trolleyed.
* Andy Zaltzman was a founding member of English pop band the Housemartins. Zaltzman and the group parted ways in 1986 just prior to the band's pre-Christmas number one, Caravan of Love. Although Zaltzman refuses to discuss the split, fans maintain that his contribution of mime was under-appreciated by the band and fans, who often mistook his passionate solos for the gaps between album tracks.
* For episodes 39-42, Andy has claimed to be in Edinburgh for a comedy festival... yet what kind of festival lasts 3+ weeks? It's obvious that Andy Zaltzman is in fact an assumed name of American swimmer Michael Phelps. Phelps could never decide whether he wanted to be a gold-medallist Olympic swimmer or political satirist comedian, so he decided to take on an identity for each. Congratulations on the medal record, Andy!
* It is becoming more apparent that John only resorts to satire to cover his tourettes. Without his constant derision of the current American political situation he would be found shouting 'Kiss Kiss my Dolly' to all and sundry in much the same way he was before he was found and mentored by Andy.
*Andy Zaltzman speaks fluent morse code.
*Andy Zaltzman is a mere 16 mm long and was discovered in 2001 on a small island off the coast of the Dominican Republic
* As an infant, Andy went through a difficult phase where he insisted that he was the former Pasha of Tripoli and Turkish privateer Turgut Reis, and subsequently attempted a one man invasion of the Mediterranean island of Malta after learning it had abandoned the British Empire in 1964.
* Andy Zaltzman has a hymen, though he refuses to admit it
* Andy Zaltzman eats a kumquat before every bugle
* Andy Zaltzman has a tail, and eats it every week.
* Andy Zaltzman is not in the mob. He would like to state that unequivocally.
* Zaltzman will kill you if you ask about his mob connections. Don't bother.
* Zaltzman won the prestigious 2007 TICA cat of the year award under his one-time stage name Purrsession Frosty the Snowman.
* Andy Zaltzman eats the same thing for breakfast every morning, a bowl of Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal. He started buying it in bulk when he became hooked on it in the late 80's, and consumes it despite its obviously ancient expiration date. It's just that tasty.
* Andy Zaltzman is famed among comedians for having six fingers on his left hand. This condition, known as polydactylism, can be traced to his ancestor Sir Felix Zaltzman, father of Anne Boleyn.
* In his dreams Andy Zaltzman is haunted by Mandy Potempkin. Mandy is shouting something while waving a rapier at him, but he can't hear him.
* Andy is unable to watch Princess Bride, when ever the movie comes on he slips into a commatose state and mutters random lines from the Necronomicon until blue slime oozes out of his ears.
* Andy has never read The Necronomicon nor visited Miskatonic University, as far as he knows.
*Andy Zaltzman has been a regular scorer on Test Match Special since Bill Frindall's decision after the Third Ashes Test Match in 2005 to join Columbian guerrilla movement FARC.
*Andy Zaltzman has admitted to indirectly causing the "crisis" in Georgia, by eating an egg on the Russia-Georgia border in 1996. Andy also visited New York in February 2008 and probably bought stuff, leading some fans to speculate that Andy had a hand in the current global financial meltdown. Andy Zaltzman is, indeed, the most powerful man in the world.
* Andy Zaltzman was recently named president of Moldova on finding out Andy said "It is an honour to be named president of such a great nation and in honour of my election to office I will rename this country Rhodesia". Shocked and dismayed the Moldovan people revolted and Andy was removed from power and the Moldovan cricket team were executed.
* Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and John Rambo
* Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to have been crafted out of rock by a spiteful god, which explains Andy’s poor bowling abilities
* Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the real father of Jesus after Mary reportedly had a one night stand with Mr Zaltzman in a hot night in Nazareth
* Andrew Zaltzman is the 13th son of an impoverished farmer family in Jutland in western Denmark. He trained as a carpenter and started making wooden toys in 1992 to make a living after having lost his job due to depression.
* As his home planet was exploding, Andy Zaltzman's father, a prominent scientist, loaded him into a wheelie bin and sent him off into space. Andy landed on Earth and was adopted by a young Jewish couple. As he grew up he discovered that Earths yellow sun gave him enhanced satirical powers and an unhealthy obsession with cricket.
* Andy is actually an amazing stringless puppet. He has an unhealthy obsession with lying and does everything he can to discourage truth telling of any kind (hence the existence of this page). Until he gets over this pathological obsession with misinformation he will never become a real boy and risks one day waking up with donkey’s ears and a tail. He also for some reason constantly refers to the sport of cricket when faced with moral decisions.
*Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not half zebra. He's more of a mule/goat mix.
*Andy Zaltzman is an anagram of Baroque Quail.
*While dying on stage at a gig, in an attempt to win over the audience, Andy bit the head off a bat. And spat it at a girl in the front row.
* Andy Zaltzman is the only creature not to have a place in the Circle of Life.
* Andy Zaltzman wrote the song “I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor" and also did the drums.
* Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not the narrator of Fight Club.
* Andy Zaltzman once did sold-out a singing tour of the British Isles under the stage name of "John Barrowman".
* Andy Zaltzman can only read text held at a 45-degree angle from his mother's knee.
* Andy Zaltzman is credited with the idea of drinking water in 1937. Previously the human race had survived on milking pumas.
* Some say Andy Zaltzman once invented a time machine just for the purpose of going to see Florence Nightingale (if you know what I mean)
* Andy Zaltzman is Flavor Flav!!!!!!!
* Andy Zaltzman is actual the bastard son of an cheap Impala hooker and Hitler. The reason he hates Impalas is his mother left him for dead in Brooklyn.
* Popular 1990’s VHS hit The Shawkshank Redemption is based on Andy Zaltzman’s time spent in Pentonville prison for the double homicide of his estranged wife Lauren Bacall and golf pro Gary Player.
* Andy Zaltzman has published several books in which he puts forward a rival theory to mathematics, which he calls "Audiomatics". He has since awarded them several Andy Zaltzman Awards.
* Andy Zaltzman taught Jimi Hendrix how to play guitar; or as Andy calls it "peeyowking-a-ding-ying-ing"
* Andy Zaltzman has been linked with a big-money move to Manchester City FC as part of the club's Saudi revolution.
* Andy Zaltzman has patented the Pot Luck Disco, yet to be introduced commercially, a revolutionary disco where some of the tiles on the dance floor are randomly mined.
* When he is not writing jokes, Andy Zaltzman is stroking a white cat biding his time until the United Nations drops its nuclear sanctions against him.
* Andy Zaltzman spent most of his early life as a masked vigilante, providing Alan Moore with the inspiration for Rorschach in his magnum opus "Watchmen".
* Andy Zaltzman collects ears. Queen Elizabeth II was told about this by a heckler at one of her hilarious comedy gigs in 2001, and since then she has been anonymously donating one a year to Andy's collection, every Bugle Day (15th October).
* A photo of Andy Zaltzman was the concept art for Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight. (Actually this may not be a lie)
* Andy Zaltzman was the inspiration for the series and movie "Akira" after he went on a telekinetic rampage through London after a cricket game was cancelled.
*Andy, due to a hearing defect caused at birth, hears everything in German. As Andy does not know German, he must translate it to Zulu, another language he does not know. From Zulu, it is translated to Swahili (Another unknown language) and finally into English. This causes Andy to occasionally completely misunderstand questions asked of him. The most notable of these occasions was when Andy was the British Ambassador to the USSR, and misheard Gorbachev's question of "Do you want some Tea" as "Do you think I should put in place a series of policies named Perestroika and Glasnost, and possibly another when I think of it, because it would be a good thing for the USSR?". Naturally, Andy said no. To this day, he still dreams of that elusive cup of tea.
* Andy Zaltzman is based on the cartoon character Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo. and indeed incorporated into Andy's humorous wig is the ability for it to house a miniature rock band, which pops out and sings a poorly translated ballad at poignant moments.
* Andy Zaltzman was killed by General Franco during a celebrity wrestling match in 1956. His parts in the Bugle have been cut together from old footage of his voice.
* The name 'Zaltzman' is ancient Greek for 'Bad Jew'. Andy Zaltzman coincidently, is notoriously poor at Judaism.
*Andy Zoltsman spells his name incorrectly.
*Andy Zaltzman was born bald and was thought to be Benito Mussolini. Ever since he's worn that ridiculous wig.
* Andy Zaltzman is a notoriously bad bodyguard. His more famous clients include Gandhi, JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and Julius Caesar
* Andy Zaltzman kills the 0.01% of bacteria that Dettol doesn't.
* Andy Zaltzman's face is made out of highly malleable plasticine which melts whenever he is cooking. This is the secret ingredient to his famous Carbonara.
* Andy Zaltzman originally named his daughter after the former Kent Cricket Captain Colin Cowdrey, before his wife insisted that she be named after a rugby player instead. Andy settled for a compromise and is looking forward to the day when little Muttiah Johnny Muralitharan-Zaltzman first goes to school.
* Andy Zaltzman is fatally allergic to gas giant Jupiter and counts himself lucky he has never been there.
* Andy Zaltzman first met John Oliver in 2002. At that time Andy was working the night shift as a double decker bus driver, an emergency job taken after a string of disappointing gigs. One night when passing London Zoo, he spotted a furtive, naked man (John), holding some strategically placed balloons. Being the kindly person he is, Andy gave this poor blighted soul a ride home on his big red bus and a lasting friendship was born.
* Andy Zaltzman is allergic to Carbonara.
* While it is well known that John's first vote was for Tony Blair (Bugle No. 45) it is less well-known that Andy's first vote was for Benjamin Disraeli in the 1964 election when he narrowly missed out to Harold Wilson. Disraeli might have been dead for 83 years, and Andy might not have been born yet but it just goes to show how little people wanted Labour in power.
*Andy Zaltzman is the real name of nutty sumo wrestler Takamisakari. His record going into the final day of the current basho is 6 wins to 8 loses. This means he will face demotion down the standings, however he is unlikely to be relegated to the second tier of fighters.
* Rumours abound that Andy's wife is actually Florence Nightingale, resurrected for his own sexual desires.
* From 1999 to 2001 Andy Zaltzman was the host of a cooking show entitled "Andy's Candies" on The Food Network. He is best remembered for using the catchphrase "I'm going to stick it in so deep" before adding any ingredient to a dish.
* Andy Zaltzman is currently photosynthesizing.
* John Oliver didn't think that Andy came to the 2008 Emmy's, but he actually erased the opening act from both the teleprompter and the five hosts' minds. Havoc accomplished, Andy sat at the back of the theatre to watch the disaster unfold.
* Andy Zaltsman was born in the Sahara to a manatee and an ocelot and does not tolerate cold well thus Andy keeps a mongoose in one pocket and a cobra in the other, warming himself on their hate-filled leers.
* Justin Timberlake brought sexy back because Andy Zaltzman threw it across a park and yelled "fetch!".
* Andy Zaltzman is not the Stig.
* Andy Zaltzman has 12 nipples
* It is a commonly held belief that Mr. Zaltzman fabricates the truth at times. However, this is not true.
* Andy Zaltzman actually wrote and performed Hulk Hogan's "Real American" Entrance Theme
* Andy Zaltzman spends most of his time as the superhero Zaltz-man, a man with the power of Zaltz. He will disarm villains with mediocre comedy and tales of the antics of his spawn. His superhero catchphrase is 'Lets rub Zaltz into that wound'.
* Andy Zaltzman recorded episodes of The Bugle alone in his shed from the year 1323 but has only be able to broadcast them to the world since the advent of more reliable recording equipment than a boy with a good memory.
* Andy Zaltzman has my wheelie bin and I want it back
* Andy Zaltzman is illegal in Virginia
* Andy Zaltzmanwon an Academy Award for Best Actor after his stunning portrayal of Shaun Penn portraying Harvey Milk. Andy could not collect the award so sent shaun in his absence.
* Andy Zaltzman has never been beaten at tennis by Nadal, swimming by Phelps or failed to get a hundred at a Lords testmatch. Because of this he is widely heralded as the greatest sports man of our times.
* Andy Zaltzman is a secret feminist.
* Andy Zaltzman gave birth to 3.7 of Nadya Suleman's octuplets.
* Andy Zaltzman's real name is Zaltzman Andy.
*Andy Zaltzman harvested his signature mane from 1,923 kidnapped ginger babies. He individually picked each hair for its softness and then used his own hair-combining process (patent pending in Japan) to achieve the stylish length favored by Jews in the audio-newspaper industry. Mothers of ginger babies beware, he does plan on filling in the bald patch! No one knows what happens to the babies once they have been harvested for their precious mops. According to rumors, John Oliver uses them for Irish Potato Famine reenactments.
* The greatest trick Andy Zaltzman ever pulled was convicing the world that Andy Zaltzman is an anagram of "I'm lovin' it".
* Andy Zaltzman is currently suing fast food giants McDonalds for copyright infringement (see above)
* Andy Zaltzman is really a program in the matrix to make people think that reindeer exist.
* Andy Zaltzman died for your sins, so that you may have eternal life.
* Andy Zaltzman does not forgive, and he does not forget, he waits...
* Andy Zaltzman’s one man protest on the grounds of the Mall, clad in a full body Tigger suit, got Capitol Critters canceled in 1992.
* Andy Zaltzman was the inspiration for Southwest Airline’s corporate culture and airplane color schemes.
* Small idols resembling Andy Zaltzman has been found in ancient mayan burial grounds, assumed to be used for religious purposes in both life and afterlife.
* Andy Zaltzman put the "Bomb" in the "bomb bah bomb bah bomb", and has been rumored to have put the "Ram" in the "rama lama ding dong".
* Upon hearing that The Times were canvassing listeners' opinions on whether they would be prepared to pay for future episodes of The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman's immediate reaction was "It's about bloody time, I can't believe I've been busting my balls all this time for this bunch of cocknuts for such a ridiculously risible fee. If I don't get an exponential rise immediately I'm off to the Beeb to present a weekly Ashes radio programme for the next four years, subject to the British public giving more than a modicum-sized crap about cricket for the intervening period." Upon realising he was in the studio for the sound-testing phase of The Bugle, he coughed nervously and said "Er, do you guys think that'll play in the show? Nah, OK, we'll stick with what we've got written and I'll ad-lib something else if need be..." He thinks he got away with it.
* Andy co-wrote the first popular Stephanie Meyer vampire novel, but refused to take any further part in the series when his suggestion that a chapter was devoted to cricketing history was thrown back in his face.
* Andy Zaltzman is the only living descendant of Prince Rupert of the Rhine, prominant English Civil War general and nephew of King Charles the 1st, neither Andy or the Prince have denied these claims though they both share a passion for large hair and English pride.
* Andy Zaltzman once broke the walls of Jericho.
* Andy is a two-phase heat transfer device that uses capillary action to remove heat from a source and passively move it to a condenser or radiator.
* Andy Zaltzman is a genus of moths from the Noctuidae family.
* Andy Zaltzman has his money on his mind and his mind on his money.
* Andy Zaltzman was the key element in the Battle of the Bulge.
* Andrew Zaltzman is an anagram for Law Man Razz Dent, his true name and occupation.
* Andy Zaltzman is an underground sexual code-phrase for things too unmentionable for the internet.
* Andy Zaltzman was the basis for the original Frodo.
* Andy Zaltzman has attended numerous panel game shows, but always in the nude.
* Andy Zaltzman is the original Kung-Fu-Bad-Jew
* Andy Zaltzman originally created Mary Seacole in order to get closer to legendary heiress Florence "Mama-shaker" Nightingale however his creation soon fell in love with her creater prompting Andy to reincarnate in 1974. He still refuses to mention her name on the podcast
* Andy Zaltzman is completely comprised of the element molybdenum.
* Andy Zaltzman melts at 1879°C, and boils at 19004°C. In a liquid state he is approximately 4.2 times funnier, and in a gaseous state, he is even funnier than laughing gas.
* Andy Zaltzman backwards is Namztlaz Ydna. Think about it, won't you?
* Andy Zaltzman is
* Andy Zaltzman is not
* Andy Zaltzman is and is not at the same time
* Andy Zaltzman and his "sister" Helen are acutally the same person. Martin the Sound Man is in for a surprise on their wedding night.
*Andy Zaltzman has 12 thumbs - 7 on lhis left hand, 4 on his right, and 1 protruding from where the navel is usually to be found. He calls this one 'Hugo' after his favourite South American nut-job.
Fuck you Chris
Category:Misinformation