Episode 306: Jean Stapleton/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 306: Jean Stapleton.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Jean Stapleton? Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton.
Jean 	Thank you.
Two headed girl	Good luck, Miss Stapleton. (the other head echoes)
Jean 	(shaking one hand) Thank you. (shaking the other hand) Thank you.
 	The two-headed girl walks off. Jean looks uneasy.
Jean 	There's just one thing I've got to remember. (puts her hands on the desk) I -- am -- normal.
 	
 	She gasps and realizes she has three hands.
Jean 	Jean, get a grip on yourself.
 	One hand grabs her throat and she struggles.
Jean 	Oh, no, I didn't mean that! No, please!
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Jean Stapleton! Yaaaaayy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Think we'll be entertained tonight?
Statler	I will. I brought a book.
 	
 	Gonzo's about to blow his trumpet, but Kermit blasts a trumpet directly behind him.
==Opening number==
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show -- the show that they said would never get off the ground. (looks down) Uh, they were right. But, we are indeed fortunate to have with us as our special guest, a wonderful actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton. And we —
Fozzie 	Uh, Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. Listen.
Kermit 	What is it, Fozzie?
Fozzie 	(giggling) I gotta tell you what happened.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Fozzie 	Yeah, wh— when we were booking Jean for the show, I was expecting a call from my tailor.
Kermit 	Your tailor?
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah. So, when a guy phoned and asked me if I'd like Jean Stapleton, I said that I don't wear jeans, and I certainly wouldn't want them stapled on. Stapleton. Jeans. (wiggles his ears) Ears. Ahhh. (to Kermit) Help me. (covers his face) Is it too late to go into hibernation?
Kermit 	Yes, by about two minutes.
Fozzie 	Gotcha. (he waves and exits as his fanfare plays)
Kermit 	Uh, well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start, but having failed that, let's head for the border!
 	
 	Open on a Latin village setting, where Annie Sue sings "Tico Tico", accompanied by other pigs. During the instrumental break, the pigs toss Annie Sue up and down on a blanket. A pig with a camera stops to take a picture. A soldier with a gun pokes him to move on. The pig with the camera takes a picture of the soldier.
Waldorf	Am I crazy, or was that good?
Statler	You're crazy.
Waldorf	I thought so.
==Backstage==
 	Annie Sue and the pigs go by.
Kermit 	Okay, nice number.
Photographer Pig	Tico Tico! (takes a picture of Kermit) Hahaha!
Kermit 	No pictures backstage! Out, out!
 	The pigs exit. Gonzo approaches, wearing a Mexican sombrero.
Gonzo 	Buenos dias, Señor Kermit.
Kermit 	Ah, Gonzo -- you weren't in that last number, were you?
 	
Gonzo 	No, I'm learning Spanish for my new act.
Kermit 	(losing interest, looking at his notes) Oh, okay.
Gonzo 	Yeah, you see, you have to learn Spanish if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.
Kermit 	Uh, makes sense.
Gonzo 	Gracias. I'm gonna go rehearse now. (walks away)
Kermit 	Right. Adios!
Gonzo 	(comes back) What?
Kermit 	Uh, goodbye.
Gonzo 	Ah. Goodbye. Adios. Whatever.
 	Gonzo exits. Crazy Harry walks by, snickering. Kermit looks after him. Gonzo rushes back in, holding a plate.
Gonzo 	Kermit! Look! They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish, and they're gone!
Kermit 	Oh. Well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.
Gonzo 	Ate my stars? Kermit! It wasn't you, was it?
Kermit 	Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.
 	Animal passes by.
Gonzo 	I know how to find out. All I have to do is say "Arriba".
 	Twang! Animal jumps and yelps.
Gonzo 	Arriba! (twang!) Arriba. (twang!) Animal!
Animal 	What?
Gonzo 	Come back here! (chases after him)
Animal 	Ha, ha ha!
Gonzo 	You ate my stars!
Kermit 	Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!
 	Gonzo is now being chased by Animal.
Gonzo 	Animal! What? What's going on?
Animal 	Arriba! (twang!) Arriba! (twang!)
 	Kermit and Animal exit.
Gonzo 	Oh. I hope he doesn't eat my waltzing walnuts.
 	He smashes his plate on the floor.
=="Play a Simple Melody"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our very special guest star, comedienne, actress, singer and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton!
 	The band plays an orchestral vamp as the curtain opens. Jean walks over to them.
 	
Jean 	Please, uh, gentlemen, lady...
Rowlf 	What?
Zoot 	What's goin' on?
Floyd 	What seems to be the problem, Jean?
Jean 	Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music. May I see it, please? Thank you.
Rowlf 	(hands it to her) Yeah, well, it seems normal to me.
Floyd 	Yeah, just your ordinary, very elaborate pretentious orchestration. What's it called?
Jean 	"Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras".
 	The band chuckles.
Jean 	Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?
Floyd 	Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff? (hums a conga tune)
Zoot 	Arriba! (Animal jumps)
 	The band chuckles.
Floyd 	No, no Latin stuff tonight.
Jean 	No. No, thank you. Uh — it's that sweet, simple duet that I rehearsed with Fozzie. Where is Fozzie?
Rowlf 	Oh, I know how that one goes. It goes like this... (plays the piano)
Jean 	Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.
 	The rest of the band joins him. Jean sings "Play a Simple Melody" and struts with her umbrella.
Jean 	Fozzie? Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Here I am, Jean.
Jean 	You forgot something.
Fozzie 	Oh, I never forget.
Jean 	Where's your ukulele?
Fozzie 	Oh, I forgot!
Jean 	You're a dingbat.
Fozzie 	(takes it out and starts strumming) I was only kidding. Go!
 	Jean and Fozzie continue the song.
Fozzie 	Come on, everybody! Sing! (everyone joins in) … In the balcony now! … Now you!
Jean 	I wanna listen to rag!
Fozzie 	Me! I wanna listen to rag! Now everyone!
All 	I wanna listen to rag!
 	
 	Applause. Jean hugs Fozzie.
Statler	Boy, that number was something else!
Waldorf	You mean it was good?
Statler	No, it was something else.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks over a statement at his desk.
Kermit	OK, 13 and 75...
 	Gladys slides the door panel open.
Gladys	Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!
Kermit	Uh, Gladys, I didn't order a sandwich.
Gladys	What?!
 	She closes the panel and opens the door.
Gladys	Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?
Kermit	Uh, well, I don't know. You'll have to ask around.
Gladys	I'm too busy. You do it.
Kermit	Uh, Gladys, I'm tying to put on a show.
 	
Gladys	Well, big deal! Look, I got a full grill downstairs. Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and two lobsters.
Kermit	Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?
Gladys	They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!
Kermit	Well - why don't you just leave the sandwich?
Gladys	It ain't been paid for yet.
Kermit	Well, you can charge it to the show.
Gladys	What, are you nuts?
Kermit	Well, take it back! Sell it to somebody else!
Gladys	Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?
Kermit	(groans) Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?
Gladys	Yeah.
Kermit	Gonzo, your lunch is here!
Gonzo 	(aghast) Yasa-how-ah! Take it back.
Gladys	What's the matter with it?
Gonzo 	Heh. You forgot the jelly. (exits)
Gladys	Show business! (facepalms)
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig #1 (RH) 	Oh, I'm so happy.
Pig #2 (RH) 	Why's that?
Pig #1 (RH) 	Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek. (laughs)
 	It's revealed that his partner is a two-headed pig. Switch to Slim Wilson and Louise.
Slim Wilson 	Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?
Waiter 	Certainly. (rips the dollar bill in half) Don't mention it.
Slim Wilson 	I wish I hadn't.
 	Switch to Bunsen and his partner, who doesn't have a mouth.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, I see you don't have much to say.
 	Kermit, dancing with Miss Mousey, observes the two.
Kermit 	Uh, I don't understand that.
Miss Mousey 	You have to think about it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(snickers)
 	Switch to another couple.
 	
Blue Whatnot 	Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.
Purple Whatnot 	Yes, it's my herring aid.
Blue Whatnot 	Transistorized?
Purple Whatnot 	No, marinated.
 	Back to Bunsen and Kermit.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(to his partner) I see you still don't have much to say.
Kermit 	(to Miss Mousey) Um, I've thought about it. I still don't understand it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(snickers)
 	Switch to another couple.
Green Whatnot 	Oh, Laticia, I love you.
Laticia 	Say, are you pulling my leg?
Green Whatnot 	No, why?
Laticia 	It just dropped off. (they both collapse)
Kermit 	(observing) I don't get that either.
==UK spot==
 	Annie Sue sits on the piano.
Annie Sue 	Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I would now like to sing a very pretty little song, accompanied by my doggy friend.
 	Rowlf plays the piano.
 	
Annie Sue 	
I love my little cat, I do. It's coat is oh so warm.
It comes each day with me to school, and sits upon the form.
When teacher says "Why do you bring that little pet of yours?"
I tell her that I bring my cat along with me because …
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	(begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue 	Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	(begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue 	
I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow!
Rowlf 	I can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a "bow wow".
Annie Sue 	But it's only a song, Rowlf.
Rowlf 	I refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.
 	A tough pig emerges, wielding a club at Rowlf.
Tough Pig (DG)	Sing, flea-bait.
Rowlf 	Uh, yes sir.
Annie Sue 	
I'll be so glad when I get old, to do just as I please.
I'll have a dozen bow wows then, a parrot and some bees.
Whene'er I see a little pet, I'll kiss the tiny thing.
 'Twill remind me of the time gone by, when I would cry and sing…
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	Bark bark.
Annie Sue 	Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	Meow.
Annie Sue 	
I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow, wow!
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	Oink oink.
Annie Sue 	Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf 	(notices the tough pig) Bow wow.
Annie Sue 	
I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow!
 	Applause.
==Talk spot==
Sam the Eagle	Uh, Miss Stapleton, I hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavory program.
Jean 	Oh. (chuckles)
Sam the Eagle	I mean, you obviously are a woman whose taste is impeccable.
Jean 	Oh, thank you.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm.
Jean 	But really, I'm enjoying it very much.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm?
Jean 	I'm having a lot of fun. I guess that means my taste is, um... peccable.
Sam the Eagle	Peccable. (aside) What does "peccable"…
Jean 	Oh, speaking of language, can I ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?
Sam the Eagle	The Swedish Chef? Huh! What about him?
Jean 	Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle	He what?! He—
Jean 	No, he doesn't.
Sam the Eagle	He... Uh, send in the Chef! Send in the Chef! Imagine. All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?
Jean 	Well, don't be too hard on him.
Sam the Eagle	Well, I have never... Where is he?
Swedish Chef 	(enters speaking mock Swedish)
Jean 	Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.
Swedish Chef 	(nods) Jå.
Sam the Eagle	Well... Well, you tell him that from now... (pause) How do you know what he said?
Jean 	Oh, I took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm.
Jean 	(says something to the Chef in mock Swedish)
 	
Swedish Chef 	(replies in mock Swedish)
Jean 	(to Sam) Oh, he admits the whole thing.
Sam the Eagle	Mmm.
Jean 	He says he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle	Hmm. Well, you tell him that this must end. He must stop speaking mock Swedish, and speak honestly and normally.
Jean 	Oh, all right. (to Chef) Well... (mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef 	(replies in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle	What?
Jean 	Aww. He admits the error of his ways. And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.
Sam the Eagle	Mmm. Good.
Swedish Chef 	Åh sö. (speaks mock Japanese) Chøp chøp, såyönårä. (exits)
Sam the Eagle	What, uh, what did he say?
Jean 	Oh, I don't know. I don't speak mock Japanese.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.
 	Piggy appears behind him, growling.
Kermit 	Miss Piggy, what are you doing here? You're not even in the melodrama.
 	
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.
Kermit 	Uh, but — but Miss Piggy, I never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.
Miss Piggy	(raises fist) I've thought of putting you in the hospital.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's just a small part.
Miss Piggy	How small?
Kermit 	It's a very small part, and I can't give a very small part like that to a big star like you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, well, hmm... I see your point.
Kermit 	Yeah, so I thought I'd give it to Annie Sue. She needs experience.
Miss Piggy	She needs talent.
Annie Sue 	Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama!
Kermit 	Bu — but, Annie Sue, it's your first chance at a dramatic role.
Annie Sue 	I know, but I'm too scared. (cries)
Kermit 	(comforts her) Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.
 	
Miss Piggy	All right, all right, break! Give it a rest, frog! (to Annie) Excuse us. Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional. Annie Sue, go to your room.
 	Annie Sue exits, sobbing.
Miss Piggy	Oh, brother.
Kermit 	But — but Miss Piggy —
Miss Piggy	I will save the show, Kermie. The part shall be played by moi.
Kermit 	Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Yes.
Kermit 	OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.
 	Two stagehands carry her away. She protests.
Miss Piggy	What?!? Move it — oh! Will you get your hands — what's going on??
==Muppet Melodrama==
 	The curtain opens on a railroad track with Piggy tied to it. Uncle Deadly stands over her, laughing.
Uncle Deadly	Now, for the last time, will you marry me?
 	The audience boos and hisses.
Miss Piggy 	For the last time, never, you scoundrel! Oh, where is my hero?
Wayne 	Never fear, my pet! I will save you.
 	The audience cheers.
Miss Piggy 	My hero! — Wayne?
Uncle Deadly	Curses, foiled again.
 	
Wayne 	Say! Isn't this a double-overhand knot?
Miss Piggy 	What?
Uncle Deadly	Yes, it is.
Wayne 	I haven't seen one of those since I left the Junior Swamp Scouts.
Uncle Deadly	(gasp) You were in the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?
Wayne 	Troop 37.
Uncle Deadly	Troop 37? "Junior Swamp Scouts, never blue."
Wayne 	"A Junior Swamp Scout's always true."
Uncle Deadly	"Always ready to save the day."
Both 	"We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray, hooray!" (they laugh)
Miss Piggy 	I don't believe this.
Wayne 	Uh-oh!
Uncle Deadly	Hmm?
Wayne 	You got the double sheep's head wrong.
Uncle Deadly	Oh.
Wayne 	It goes like this. (demonstrates)
Miss Piggy 	You'll suffer for this, guys.
Wayne 	Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree twice, and then goes in his hole.
Uncle Deadly	(nods) Ohhhh. Now I get it.
Miss Piggy 	Who cares?
 	A train approaches. Wayne tightens the knot.
Wayne 	There. She'll never get out of that.
 	He and Deadly laugh and depart the scene.
Uncle Deadly	You remember little Melvin McCormick?
Miss Piggy 	Hey! Hey, guys! Hey! Hey... Oh, that does it!
 	She props herself up, removing the rail from the track. She hobbles away.
Miss Piggy 	Where's that frog? Where's that frog?
==Backstage==
Miss Piggy	Kermit!! Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...
 	
Kermit 	(sarcastically) I know, Miss Piggy. I'm — I'm sorry. I didn't realize that sit — that, that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand. Oh, please forgive me.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH! (swats him with the railroad track) You're forgiven. (swats him again) Wardrobe!
==Muppet Labs==
Beaker 	(sighs)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
Beaker 	(perks up)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Many people suffer the embarrassment 	of being ridiculously tall and spindly. Isn't that right, Beaker?
Beaker 	"Mee mee mee mee me?"
 	He empties a bottle of pills and tosses it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill. Ahem. Take one, Beaker.
 	He downs the pills, then shrinks.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Not the whole bottle!
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	… Oh dear. Ahem. Well, I guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.
 	Mini-Beaker crawls up Bunsen's leg, tickling him.
==Backstage==
 	Bunsen passes by Kermit. Jean comes out of her dressing room.
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, strike the Muppet Labs set, please.
Jean 	Kermit, could I see you for a minute?
Kermit 	Oh, sure, Jean.
Jean 	It's about this next number. I really would rather not do it.
Kermit 	You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates and the chickens playing bagpipes and you're dancing with a seven foot doorknob?
Jean 	(nods) Mm-hm. It's just one cliché after another.
Kermit 	I… I see what you mean.
Jean 	I'll tell you what I'd really like to do.
Kermit 	What's that?
Jean 	Another duet, with my favorite Muppet.
Kermit 	(grins) Aww. Heh, well, that's very nice. That's a delightful idea.
Jean 	Oh, good, good. Now where's Crazy Harry?
Kermit 	Crazy Harry? Why, that's suicidal!
 	Crazy Harry shows up, laughing.
Jean 	There you are, you cute thing!
Kermit 	Jean, Jean, I don't know what you're planning to do, but whatever it is, it is not safe.
Jean 	Oh, no, this is a wonderful idea.
 	
Crazy Harry	It's a musical number. (laughs)
Jean 	(laughs)
Kermit 	A musical number?
Crazy Harry	Yes!
Jean 	Yes, yes.
Kermit 	Well... I guess as long as it's musical, it's okay.
Jean 	Oh! You darling! (kisses Kermit) Now listen, is the boiler set up?
Crazy Harry	It's beautiful. All set. (laughs)
Jean 	Great. Go ahead, get ready.
Kermit 	The boiler?
Crazy Harry	I'll get up the steam. (laughs)
Jean 	(laughs)
Kermit 	Jean, I didn't even know that Crazy Harry played a musical instrument.
Jean 	Oh, yes.
Kermit 	Which one?
Jean 	The explodaphone. (tingles)
Kermit 	Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!
Jean 	Oh, Kermit, listen. I'm not new to this business. I've been all over the world.
Kermit 	You might be again.
Jean 	Listen, don't worry. You're gonna love it. (laughs, goes onstage)
Kermit 	Well, uh, I may not love it, but uh, I'll introduce it.
=="I'm Just Wild About Harry"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, and now, once again, here she is, taking her life into her own hands … uh … and throwing it away … ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.
 	
 	The curtain opens on the explodaphone. Jean sings "I'm Just Wild About Harry" as Crazy Harry sets off several explosions around her.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions will be very happy to know that we have reached the end of The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yaaaayy!
 	Applause.
Jean 	Thank you, Kermit. I really got a kick out of it.
Crazy Harry	Did someone say "Kick out of it?"
 	
 	BOOM! He sets off his detonator, startling the other Muppets.
Kermit 	Uh, Crazy Harry, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.
Crazy Harry	Did someone say "Just anything"? (BOOM! Another bomb goes off, and Jean laughs)
Kermit 	Oh, help! Good night!
Crazy Harry	Did someone say "Oh help, good night?"
Kermit 	No!
 	BOOM! The melee continues as the credits roll.
Statler 	I liked that last number.
Waldorf 	What did you like about it?
Statler 	It was the last number.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts