IF (2024)/Transcript

[narrator] I remember my mom always asked me to tell her a story. And I never knew why. Maybe it was just something to make her smile. To take her away from it all. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that these stories she wanted me to tell had nothing to do with her at all. When I realized that the most important stories we have to tell… are the ones we tell ourselves.
Creature: Ooh, I wouldn’t do that. [gasps]
Man: [upstairs] What was that?
Creature: Just changing the record! [scoffs] He just gets so cranky when people touch his stuff.
Man [upstairs] Don’t touch anything!
Creature: [chuckles] See?
Bea: Who are you?
Creature: [chuckles] What do you mean? I’m– I’m Blue!
Bea: But you’re purple.
Blue: Oh! Yeah, well, he was color-blind, so…
Bea: Who was?
Blue: Well, my kid! Remember?
Bea: What?
Butterfly: Oh, for God’s sake, Blue! Of course she doesn’t remember. She thinks you’re gonna eat her. [sighs] Apologies about him. He’s the most adorable train wreck, but a train wreck nonetheless.
Blue: Thank you! 
Butterfly: You’re welcome. Now would you mind picking our guest up off the floor, please? That’s it. Big finger. Lovely. Well done, Blue. Now, let’s start over, shall we? How do you like your tea?
Bea: I don’t drink tea.
Man: u[pstairs] What kind of girl doesn’t drink tea?
Butterfly: Not helping! [chuckles] I’m Blossom, and you’ve clearly met Blue.
Blue: Me again.
Blossom: And that is– She knows who I am.
Man: We’ve, uh– We’ve met before. Been a while since you– since you been up here. Yeah, last time I saw you, you were, uh… smaller.
Bea: What is going on?
Man: Yeah, well, that’s a perfectly understandable question, given, um… and, uh… 
Blossom: Hey!
Man: “Hey”? 
Blossom: Yeah, hey.
Man: What, we’re gonna explain it all right here, in a neat little pink package?
[Blossom] We’re supposed to try.
Bea: Excuse me.
Man: Will you stop poking her?
Blue: Sorry. Sorry. This is just so exciting!
Bea: What is? 
Blue: That you’re back!
Man: Blue! That’s enough. I mean… What is that? What part of “don’t touch my stuff” do you not understand? Come on! This was all in alphabetical order!
Bea: Did you say your…
[man upstairs] And color coordinated.
Bea: …kid? 
Blue: Oh, yeah. His name is Jeremy.
Man: God! Get to hear more about Jeremy!
Bea: So that house we were at tonight, that was Jeremy’s?
Blue: Oh, no. That was different. That was a potential match. And one that could’ve been successful, if it wasn’t for you know who.
Man: All right, you know what? Do it yourself. Okay? I don’t need this. I don’t need any of this.
Blossom: Whew! [chuckles] Okay. This has been quite a day for him. But you… I’m sure you have questions.
Bea: So, are there more of you?
[man upstairs] Say no!
Blossom: Yes. Oh, yeah! Lots more!
Blue: [chuckles] I mean, almost every kid has one. Had one. 
Bea: Had what?
Blue: A friend.
Bea: An imaginary friend?
Blossom: IF. We say “IF.”
Blue: [chuckles] Get it? Imaginary. Friend. But also like what IF? Like, anything’s possible! Ooh! Ouch! 
Blossom: Okay, let’s– let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Her eyes look like they might melt out of her head.
Bea: So… what was happening tonight?
Blue: Oh, that was a placement attempt with a new kid.
Blossom: We’ve started a fledgling little operation.
[man upstairs] Ugh! “We”?
Blossom: He. W
Bea: hat kind of operation?
Blossom: Sort of a matchmaking agency. To help IFs find new kids.
Bea: New kids? But what happened to your kid?
Blue: Oh. He grew up. He doesn’t need me anymore.
Bea: He doesn’t? That’s so sad.
Blue: Eh, more like terrifying. [laughs] Woo. [chuckles] 
Blossom: Oh, no.
Blue: Because if he doesn’t need me…
Blossom: Blue. 
Blue: …he can’t see me.
Blossom: Blue, over here.
Blue: And if he can’t see me…
Blossom: Look at me.
Blue: …then all that’s left is to disappear!
[Blossom] Blue. Happy place! Happy place!
Blue: [sobbing] Coffee and croissants. Coffee and croissants.
Blossom: Good, good. Okay. Coffee and croissants. This has all been a lot.
Man: Yes! Yes, it is… a lot. For everyone. I think we should call it a night.
Blossom: I think she’s doing quite well actually.
Bea: Thank you. 
[Blossom] You’re welcome.
Man: Well, I think it’s all too much. Not to mention too late. And I don’t think any of us want to be on the wrong side of that door when that creepy witch comes out. You should go.
Blue: Aw, come on, Cal, she’s just a kid.
Bea: I’m not a kid.
Cal: Well, that’s that. Good night.
Bea: Good night.
Grandmother: Oh! Oh, gosh, you gave me a fright. [chuckles] Good morning. 
Bea: Good morning.
Grandmother: Ah, you’re off. I made pancakes. Oh, God. They seem to be stuck to the pan. Um, I have some cereal or some grapefruit.
Bea: I’m not that hungry.
Grandmother: Well, you’ll let me know if you need anything.
Bea: I will.
Grandmother: Good. Oh, God.
Bea: Is there any food?
Receptionist: Of course. What do you feel like? Real food? Or junk food? Yeah. There’s a vending machine down the hall and to the right.
[???]
Blue: Oh! Fancy seeing you here.
Bea: [whispering] What are you doing? Get out of there!
Blue: I would love to, but I cannot feel my legs.
Bea: Oh, my God. Okay, give me your hand. Give me your hand. Your hand. Give me your hand. Come on. Okay, come on. Come on. 
Blue: [laughs] No, don’t.
Bea: Come on, stand up. 
Blue: Okay, wait, wait. Ow, ow, ow! Okay. You are strong! Whoa!
[???]
Blue: Can we do it again? Okay, get up.
Bea: Get up, get up. 
Blue: Is this a hotel?
Bea: What are you doing here? 
Blue: What are you doing here?
Bea: I’m visiting my dad!
Blue: Oh, yeah! Your dad has a broken heart? That must be scary.
Bea: What? No, it’s not. What are you doing here? I cannot be seen talking to you.
Blue: Ooh, why not?
Bea: Because there’s real people here. I’m gonna look crazy!
Blue: [chuckles] Come on. You’re just a kid.
[Benjamin] Hi! Who are you talking to?
Blue: Okay… Oh… Whew! [groans]
Bea: Open up! Open up! I have your… thing. What are you anyway?
Blue: An IF.
Bea: I know that. But what?
Blue: I don’t know.
Bea: Finally! 
Cal: Oh. It’s you.
Blossom: Hello! 
Bea: I want it to stop.
Blossom: Oh, that’s awful! I’ll make tea.
Cal: I think she was pretty clear she doesn’t– Whatever. Make what stop?
Bea: All of it. I don’t need this.
Cal: Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but that’s not how this works.
Bea: That’s not how what works? What is happening to me?
Blue: You are the chosen one. 
Cal: Nope! Nope. Let’s not give her a complex. She’s already enough of a spark plug as it is.
Bea: Chosen for what? This whole thing is a curse. 
Cal: Now you’re getting it.
Blue: No, no, no! You could do so much good. You could save all of us!
Bea: All of who? And don’t say IFs. 
Cal: Um… You should probably let him say it or I think his head may actually explode.
Bea: Fine.
Blue: I-I-I-I-I-I-F-F-F-F-Fs. Thank you.
Bea: How can I help them?
Cal: You can’t.
Blossom: Of course she can. Look, there’s nothing we want more than to be with our own kids. But our kids… they’ve forgotten about us. So we need new ones. You can help us find them. 
Blue: Like I always say: “Better to have a new kid than not to– not to have a– one– a kid.”
Blossom: He’s never said that.
Blue: psighs] Well, thought it.
Bea: So, I help you place them with new kids, and that’s it? Everything goes back to normal?
Cal: Careful what you wish for.
Bea: Then I want to meet them.
Cal: Who?
Bea: All the IFs you’ve been trying to match with them.
Cal: That’s impossible.
Bea: Why? 
Cal: Because… [laughs] …I can’t be seen to take you to–
Bea: Where?
Cal: Nowhere.
Bea: You need help.
Cal: You have no idea how true that statement is. But not in the way that you’re thinking.
Bea: After last night, you clearly don’t know how to make this whole placement thing work.
Cal: [groans] Really?
Bea: I can help you.
Cal: How?
Bea: ‘Cause I’m a kid.
Cal: Well… that’s that.
Bea: Where are we going?
Cal; To get help. 
Bea: From who?
Cal: From somebody more qualified. ‘Cause this is way above my pay grade.
Bea: I think it’s really nice of you, by the way.
Cal: What is?
Bea: That you’re helping them all like this.
Cal: Oh, I don’t have a choice, actually. They never leave.
Bea: How long have you been able to see them?
Cal: Oh, as long as I can remember.
Bea: Where do they live?
Cal: Well, “live,” I think that’s a relative term, but normally anywhere kids are, or have been.
Bea: Is it… magical?
Cal: Hmm? What? 
Bea: Where we’re going.
Cal: Used to be. This is us.
Bea: Wait, I’ve been here before.
Cal: Really?
Bea: Yeah, my mom took me here once.
Cal: All coming back to you, is it?
Bea: Wait. IFs live here?
Cal: Hope so.
Bea: But it’s locked.
Cal: I’m gonna give you a minute to think about that one. Stay here. I’m gonna slip around back, grab us a key.
Bea: You’re leaving me alone?
Cal: You’re never really alone! Thought that was obvious by now.
Cal: You sure you want to do this?
Bea: Yeah.
Cal: Because there’s no telling who’s behind that door today.
Bea: Are any of them scary?
Cal: Worse. Desperate. Ah, Vicki. How are you? Is that a new perfume? It smells, um– Okay. Boundaries, of course. Here to see Il Capitano. Yeah, the ol’ spirit bear. Okay. [knocks]Look alive.
[Judge Judy, through TV] Was your daughter living in her mother’s house?
Cal: That’s loud.
[Judge Judy] And you were using her utilities accounts. Your husband says that your daughter was not living in–
[news program intro on TV]
[through TV] I’m Kurt Loder with an MTV news brief.
Cal: Hey! Let’s go! Come on.
[crashes]
Cal: Oh! Why is this here? Hi, Todd!
Sunflower: Okay. Let’s start like we always do. Big breath in. And out. And in. And out. Beautiful. Who’d like to start?
Slime: [sobbing] I’ve been… Last week I was feeling pretty good, and then this week, I don’t know what happened!
Bubble: It’s okay. 
Slime: I just started falling apart!
Guardian Dog: Oh, here we go.
Ice: [chuckles] I mean, cue the violins. Am I right, Terry?
Violin: Oh, come on. 
Bubble: Ted, you know she’s a viola!
Robot: Well, that’s not nice. That doesn’t make anyone feel good.
Sunflower: Guys, guys. We have to move through this narrative that our kids choose to forget about us. They all go through something that makes them forget.
Slime: [sobbing] Oh, I wish I could see him one more time. I wish I could just tell him I’m right here! I’ve always been right here!
Guardian Dog: Hey, hey, hey, whoa! Not the cape.
Robot: That is toxic.
Bubble: It’s okay. We’ll get someone to clean that up.
Magician mouse: Listen, Doc. I’m payin’ good cash, and this slime ball’s takin’ up all the time.
Ice: Doc, I got a question. Is it possible that kids are just the worst? Oh, my God. Is that a kid?
Sunflower: What’s that?
Bubble: Oh, my God!
Art Teacher: Uh, what does the skin look like? What does it feel like? Is there light reflecting off the skin?
Cal: Psst! 
Art Teacher: Or is there none? Hey. Uh, Judith, you can cover up. Let’s take five, everybody. Hey, Cal. You still owe me twenty bucks from that foam party. 
Cal: That’s right, yeah. We said we were never gonna talk about that with words. Listen, I need to find somebody, but I need to do it on the quiet, okay?
Art Teacher: Oh, hi. 
Bea: Hi.
Art Teacher: Is that… 
Cak: No. Yes. I need to see Lewis. Where is Lewis?
Art Teacher: Yeah, sure. I think I saw him heading down towards the pool.
Cal: The pool, okay. Go, go, go.
Art Teacher: Yeah, yeah, sure. No worries. Good luck! [chuckles] Aw, come on, guys. We’ve been through this before. It’s not snacks. It’s art.
Cal: How’s that feel? Regret starting to burble up in your throat?
Cosmo: Hey, Cal! 
Cal: Good God, Cos!
Cosmo: Who’s the girl? 
Cal: What the hell: is wrong with you?
Cosmo: Hey, Tater Tot. 
Cal: She’s a friend!
Cosmo: What kind of friend? You’re stronger than you look. You know I’ll find out.
Cal: Whatever, man. 
Cosmo: Whoa! Cloak-and-dagger!
Cal: [scoffs] Starting to see why I live alone. Keith! What kind of a kid creates an invisible IF?
Bea: Was he laying down? 
Cal: Who knows?
Banana: Down and up, and down and up, and down and up, and down and up, and down. Really bend those knees, ladies!
Gummy Bear]: Am I looking red?
Banana: Yes.
Cal: Oh, thank God! Come on. Lewis? I have someone I’d like you to meet.
Lewis: Hello, Elizabeth. It’s very nice to meet you.
Bea: Thank you.
Lewis: So, did he give you the grand tour?
Bea: Kind of.
Lewis: And what’d you think?
Bea: Not quite what I expected.
Lewis: Uh-huh.
Cal: She wants to help with the placements. Lewis here is 93. He started this place. He can teach you everything you need to know. Isn’t that right, Lewis? 
Lewis: Calvin. [chuckles] You know, he wasn’t always like this.
Bea: Oh, no? 
Lewis: Nah. Old Calvin here used to be a clown. He tell you that?
Bea: No.
Lewis: [chuckles] That’s right. Before all this, his only job in life was to make you smile.
Cal: Well, not anymore. All right. You guys seem to have this under control. He’ll show you the ropes. Probably have you wax a car or something.
Lewis: You know, if he’s not gonna give you the grand tour, why don’t you give it to him?
Cal: I’m sorry, what?
Lewis: This place can be anything you want it to be. All you need is a little imagination.
Cal: No. No. No, no, no. Don’t do this.
Lewis: Show us how it looked in that head of yours.
[“Better Be Good to Me” playing]
Lewis: [chuckles] That’s it.
Cal: No.
[???]
Spaceman: What happened?
Cal: Nothing, Matt. Let’s just get you back inside here. There you go. What are you doing, Sneezy? Help me out here.
Blue: Something’s happening!
Cal: Nothing is happening!
Blue: Yeah!
Cal: Get inside. 
Blue: No, no, no! I want to see! No, I want to see, I want to see!
Cal: [grunting] Get in! 
[???]
Unicorn: Oh, my gosh! It looks like a dream!
[???]
Unicorn: Oh, my gosh! Is this the pool?
Blue: Oh, wow, nice. 
[???]
Cal: Sorry.
[??]
Art Teacher: Cal? Cal? Are you all right?
Banana: Hey, where’d you come from? No, no, no, not the fruit!
Ghost: A walking palette approaches. Steady. Steady. Good God, you fool! Damn your eyes!
[???]
Aligator: Where have you been? You were supposed to be here five minutes ago! You’re on! 
Cal: What do you mean?
Aligator: Come on, get out there!
[??]
Blue: Oh, let’s go! Let’s go!
[Everyone gets on the stage and started dancing.]
Lewis: Well, look who’s back.
Cal: Ooh! 
Unicorn: You’re back. 
Ice: Is he all right?
Alilgator: Oh, that was fun!
Ice: You look a mess. 
Unicorn: Your tush okay, hon?
Ghost: Did you say G-4? I have bingo!
Cal: Well, that was the weirdest job interview I’ve ever been a part of. Oh, good! Glad you’re having fun.
Bea: So does this make us partners?
Cal: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? Keith! [chuckles] See you tomorrow.
[???]
Dad: You know what no one tells you about hospitals? There is nothing good to read. How’s your story coming?
Bea: Oh, I don’t have time for that. I got a job.
Dad: Okay. I assume I’m allowed to ask no questions.
Bea: Nope. 
[Dad] As you were. See? We still have a chance.
Benjamin: Hi!
Bea: Whoa. You got supersonic hearing or something?
Benjamin: Nope. I was just waiting for you.
Bea: Oh.
Benjamin: TV’s still busted.
Bea: They should really get that fixed.
Benjamin: Honestly? I think my mom has something to do with it.
Bea: Your mom? Yeah.
Benjamin: She says that screens turn my brain into mush. What if she broke it?
Bea: Guess what? I got a job.
Benjamin: Wow. Like, at an ice cream store?
Bea: More like a matchmaking agency.
Benjamin: Well, whatever it is, I’m sure you’re great at it. Good luck!
Bea: Thank you. Hey. 
Benjamin: Yeah?
Bea: Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
Benjamin: Nope.
Bea: Want one?
Benjamin: Sure!
Bea: Well, he’s about eight or nine, so I think we prioritize by hobby. See if anybody has any experience in magic or fantasy. 
Cal: Hmm, fantasy’s a bit of a Pandora’s box.
Bea: Maybe their person liked superheroes.
Cal: Yeah. He does.
Bea: Or art. 
Cal: Yup. Love art.
Bea: Or TV. 
Cal: I’m not gonna ask you again. Put some pants on. You’re freaking everyone out.
Banana: [chuckling] Pants.
Lewis: How are we feeling? 
[Bea] I feel good. You feel good? 
Cal: Yeah. As good as can be expected. It’s your show. Here we go.
Bea: You can send them in.
Unicorn: Okay, so I just– just put myself right here? Got it right, okay. Perfect. Hi. 
[all] Hi.
Unicorn: [giggling] Oh, hi! My gosh! This is just so exciting!
Bea: So, what’s your name?
Aligator: [chuckles] My name is Ally.
Sunflower: Sunny.
Ghost: Andromedus the Third, son of–
Slime: Steven.
Bubble: Pop. Because, well, sometimes, when I get nervous I– Oh, dear God.
[chuckles]
Bea: Nothing to be nervous about. You’re doing great.
Gummy bear: [gasps] She’s so sweet.
Unicorn: My little girl’s name was Tabitha. Uh, she named me Uni, because– because… [laughs] …because I’m a unicorn! [laughing] Sorry. Oh, I’m so nervous!
Bea: And where are you from?
Guardian Dog: Originally? Philadelphia.
Art Teacher: DeKalb. Illinois.
Slime: Spokane.
Magician Mouse: New Jersey. Save your comments, please.
Robot: Uh, mostly RadioShack.
Octopuss: Let’s see, we moved in ’83. Oh, no! ’84? Yeah, that was rough.
Guardian Dog: I mean, rough. Poughkeepsie? Come on, Dad.
Space man: [chuckles] Might as well have moved us to the moon, am I right?
Cal: It’s not funny.
Bea: Are you ready?
Benjamin: For what?
Bea: Anything.
Magician mouse: We used to put on shows every day. Sometimes multiple shows! Look–
Robot: They kept building me and– and rebuilding me. You know what I mean? But we never got lasers to shoot out of my eyes!
Magician mouse: I’m not gonna lie and say the schedule wasn’t brutal, because it was. But at the end of the day, to hear the roar of that crowd. God! The uncles… [chuckles] …the uncles were the best.
Bea: Okay, I got a whole bunch of friends here. You just let me know which one you can see.
Benjamin: Sure.
Bea: All right, can you see this guy?
Magician mouse: Ta-da!
Benjamin: Nope.
Magician mouse: : Nothin’?
Bea: No problem. 
Magician mouse: Who is this kid?
Cal: Nothin’?
Guardian dog: You know, the hardest part for me was maybe bedtime. Look, Mom just didn’t get it. I mean…
Aligator: Okay, let me tell you something about the dark, okay? All kids are scared of the dark. All of them! Even if they don’t admit it. And why? ‘Cause those night-lights don’t do anything! That’s why. That’s why.
Guardian dog: Like, sure, Mom, you got a job to do. You’re doing great. But let me ask you something. You put this kid to bed, who’s gonna watch over Poughkeepsie?
Bea: Can you see this guy?
Guardian dog: Okay. Here we go!
Benjamin: Nope. 
Guardian dog: What’s that? [chuckling] Ask him again.
Cal: Ask him again.
Bea: Really?
Benjamin: Nope. 
Guardian dog: That’s it. I got this.
Gummy bear: And Mom said too much candy isn’t good for your tummy, but I said– Oh, my God.
cal: Wow. My eyes can taste it.
Gummy bear: I’m so sorry.
Cal: You don’t taste that in your eyeballs?
Cosmo: I can find anyone. Anywhere! 
Cal: Don’t, don’t! Okay, okay, okay.
Bea: But where are you from?
Cosmo: [chuckling] Like I would ever tell you that. Like he would ever tell you that.
Cal: All right, thank you very much, sir.
Cosmo: Pretty but dim. 
Cal: Uh, he’s in my– He got in my mouth.
Ice: Look, you seem like a nice kid, so I’m just gonna shoot straight. In the beginning, I thought, what if he created me as some kind of metaphor? I mean, it’s possible that he could be like a legit genius, right? Wrong. It was Arizona, and he was just thirsty. And here we are!
Cal: [whispering] Don’t, uh, don’t look him in the eye.
Bea: Which one? 
Cal: You know damn well which one.
Marshmallow: And I just want to say, thanks for doing this. It really means a whole lot to everybody! Oh!
Benjamin: Nope.
Cal: I don’t think he knows what he wants. What the hell do you want?
Bea: Who’s next?
Cal: Keith!
Benjamin: No. 
Cal: I agree.
Bea: Yeah, that one’s just confusing.
Cal: Keith’s the worst.
Blue: His favorite snack was croissants. Which was kind of cheating. Because his parents owned a bakery right downstairs. [chuckling] So that was convenient! So we had a lot of croissants. And bread. Carbs. Lotta carbs. Not pasta. Which is interesting. But everything else they did make was a delicious smell-fest.
Ice: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Okay, you saw this! You see this! Because this is my life in a nutshell, okay?
Benjamin: Nope. Any more?
Bea: No. It didn’t work. I’m sorry.
Benjamin: That’s okay. I still have you!
Blue: Being excited is exhausting!
Cal: Okay, let’s get you to bed.
Lewis: So, how’d it go?
Bea: It didn’t work.
Lewis: [chuckles] Well, maybe it just wasn’t meant to. All this time spent trying to find new kids, they stopped looking for their old ones.
Bea: But their kids have grown up. They don’t need them anymore.
Lewis: [chuckles] All kids need their imaginary friends. Especially when they grow up.
Bea: But they’ve forgotten.
Lewis: Nothing you love can ever be forgotten. You can always go back.
Bea: How?
Lewis: Memories. They live forever. Right there in your heart. Sometimes you just need to find a way to invite them out. For me, it’s the smell of the sea breeze. Or the sound of footsteps tapping on the boardwalk. After that, you just close your eyes, and it all comes rushing back.
[“L-O-V-E” playing]
Bea: Shall we?
Lewis: Thought you’d never ask.
[???]
[Uni giggling] Wait for me! Wait for me!
[chuckles] Hey!
Lewis: Pretty good, huh?
Blossom: [gasps] I love it.
Unicorn: Look at this. Oh, my gosh!
Sunflower: Wow, is that a flower?
Unicorn: It’s so cute.
Aligator: Ooh! Ooh, mine! Mine! I want to try!
[Blue] Thank you, my good sir. Look at this!
Art Teacher: [chuckles] Oh, those look great.
Guardian Dog: [laughs] The best night of my life!
Marshmallow: Oh, wow! Look at me! [laughing]
Ghost: Onward, dear friends!
Space man: antastic!
Gummy bear: Can I have one lick?
Nurse: Lights out. You should get some rest. You got a big day tomorrow.
Dad: Why, what’s happening tomorrow?
Nurse: [chuckles] You got to stop.
Dad: Never.
[Grandmother] Because there I was having my final swim before getting to the airport. Now, normally you just go up like that, don’t you? You just go “Whump!” and legs up. I could not do that, because I had a broken leg. Now, do you want some more of this? Because I didn’t know what flavor you like. So I just got everything. 
Bea: No, it was great. You did great.
Grandmother: Good. Right.
Bea: Grandma? Can I ask you a question?
Grandmother: Of course. Anything.
Bea: What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Grandmother: Well! What? Gosh. Well, that is a good question. Yeah, um, well, I, um– I always dreamt of being a dancer.
Bea: Really?
Grandmother: Excuse me, don’t look so surprised. Your grandfather thought I was quite fetching.
Bea: So, he saw you dance?
Grandmother: Of course! I’ve got something here. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. [sighs] That’s your grandmother.
Bea: You’re beautiful.
Grandmother: Yeah, well, he thought so. Actually, I was shaking in my boots that day. Or in my slippers.
Bea: You were? 
Grandmother: Yeah. I mean, it was the most important day of my life because they only had– I think six schools were chosen to perform across the river in just this beautiful little theater. And I still remember the sound of the wood on the floor creaking. And the music just tumbled from the orchestra, just like a wave. And how the dust caught the light as it fell. And it made me feel like I was in a dream.
Bea: So what happened?
Grandmother: Oh, my dear girl, I grew up. Too tall. Too awkward. And too old. I mean, let’s be honest, who wants to see an old woman dance? Now, can I get you some dessert? I have some ice cream. Well, I think I have some ice cream. If it doesn’t have ice on top. Why does ice form on the top of ice cream?
[???]
Cal: Ooh! Miss us already?
Bea: Is she here?
Cal: Who?
Bea: Blossom.
Blossom: Oh, hi! I only made enough for two. I’ll make more.
Bea: You’re hers.
Blossom: Ooh, is this a riddle? I love riddles.
Bea: My grandmother. You’re her IF.
Blossom: Well, of course I am. [chuckles] Devilish style, adorable accent. I’m surprised it wasn’t obvious, to be honest.
Bea: Then let’s go! She’s right downstairs. She won’t believe it.
Cal: Bea, it’s not for lack of trying.
Blossom: I’ve been down there with her every day. I read with her, I watch TV with her, I even went through her Pilates phase with her. She couldn’t see me.
Cal: There’s nothing you can do if they can’t remember.
Bea: Then we have to help her.
[Later.]
Blossom: [whispering] Elizabeth. Bea! 
Bea: Shh!
Blossom: What are you doing?
[Bea pulls out a record and puts it on the music player]
Blossom: [quietly] What are we doing? This is ridiculous!
Grandmother: What on earth are you up to? Bea? Bea?
[???]
Bea: Oh, my God. Where have you been?
Cosmo: This your room? I like it. Old school. I found him. Works in the city. Told you I could find anyone, anywhere! [laughs] Good luck, Short Stack. It’s all up to you. Cloak-and-dagger! Hope this works.
Bea: It says we should be on the next block. We got to hurry.
Blue: Okay, so– Okay, so let’s recap this. So we’re actually going to see him?
Bea: Yes! 
Blue: Oh, okay. Wow. Like, see him right now!
Cal: Not if you can help it. 
Blue: Okay, but, you know, how do we even know it’s him?
Bea: It’s all in the dossier.
[Blue] Yep, that’s him. Ooh, boy. Wow. I am not ready for this. I think I’m gonna be sick. What, you see him? 
Cal: He’s on the move. Come on!
Blue: Where? 
Cal: Let’s go, go, go. Double-time.
Blue: Oh, I should’ve worn a suit!
[barista] Next!
[??]
Blue: Oh, boy. He looks… great! [laughs] Wow! Look at him! So fit! He used to look, well, more like me. Looks like he’s done something to his hair.
Cal: I think that’s sweat.
Blue: I am so emotional!
Bea: Now’s our chance. Okay. Got to go in there.
Blue: Wait, what? I can’t go in there alone.
Bea: Then you go with him.
Cal: Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not on the menu. Um, I wouldn’t say that public bathrooms are my worst nightmare…
Bea: Oh, please!
Cal: …but they’re definitely up there in the top one. And she’s breached. Get on in there, come on.
Mr Griffen: “20% of the third quarter next year– 20% of the third quarter next year. How is that possible, you say. How is that possible, you may ask.” Come on, man, get it together. “In the third quarter”… of next year 20% in the third quarter of next year."
Bea: Go. This is it.
Mr Griffen: How do I know that’s possible?” [mockingly] “How do I know that’s possible?” Okay? You’re fine. Don’t you cry. Please don’t you cry. Come on. Look at me! Don’t cry. Come on.
Blue: ACHOO!
Bea: Oh, God.
Cal: How’d it go? Oh, my God!
Bea: Come on!
Blue: [sighs] I blew it.
Cal: Gross. Come on.
Blue: Oh, God, is this it? Cal, am I disappearing?
Cal: Pretty sure that’s not how this works.
Blue: Oh, boy! I think I need to throw up.
Cal: Well… gave it our best shot.
Bea: It didn’t work. I don’t understand. They were standing right next to each other.
Blue: Okay, yeah. I need to throw up. Or I need a snack. It’s one of the two. 
Cal: Maybe the mood wasn’t right. In fairness, the music was terrible.
Blue: Yeah, I definitely need to eat something. I’m starving.
Bea: That’s it.
Cal: What’s it?
Bea: Don’t lose him.
[???]
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Bea: Yes. I’m here for a delivery.
[???]
[receptionist] Mr. Griffith. They’ll see you now.
[???]
Blue: You’re okay.
Mr Griffen: Okay. Hey, everyone. Thanks for seeing me today. I’m really excited to be here. I think it’s gonna be a good one.
Bea: Wow. I mean, that was just– I mean, that was just so–
Cal: Congratulations. You did it.
Bea: We did it. I think we make a pretty good team, don’t we?
Cal: Yes, we do.
Cal: Did you do the bracelets?
Bea: Yes, of course! My whole arm was covered in them. Thank you very much.
Grandmother: Oh, where have you been?
Bea: Uh, sorry, I was just out with some friends.
Grandmother: Come inside. Come on, come inside.
Bea: It’s okay, Grandma. I’m okay, I promise.
Grandmother: Not you. Your father. I’m sure he’s okay. Just get whatever you need, and we can talk in the car. Keys, keys, where are my keys?
Bea: I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. 
Cal: It’s okay. You’re okay. 
Bea: I need you to help me.
Cal: Hey, I’m right here. 
Bea: I just can’t do it again.
Cal: You can’t do what?
Bea: Say goodbye.
Cal: Then don’t.
Bea: I don’t know what to say. What do I tell him?
Cal: You just tell him a story.
Bea: Thank you.
If you could just wait here a moment.
Grandmother: Oh. I see. Thank you.
Nurse: Bea. Hey, your dad had a long day. He just needs some rest.
Bea: Hi. So… I’ve been working on that story. And I’m ready to tell you now. It’s a story about… a little girl. A little girl who was so sad and so scared that she did everything she could to block the world out… so she’d never have to feel anything again. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t because she has this person… this magical person… that, no matter how hard she tried to push away… no matter how hard she tried to grow up… he wouldn’t let her. He would just keep holding on to her tighter and tighter. And the funny thing is… that’s the only place she truly feels safe. It’s the only place she ever wants to be. So you can’t go anywhere. I’m just a kid. Please, Daddy, please. Please.
Dad: [whispering] That’s a really good story. What happens next? I love you.
Bea: He’s awake! He’s awake.
Bea: Hey. Open the door.
Landlady: Hello? Who’s there?
Bea: Open the door.
Landlady: Are you trying to get in there?
Bea: Uh, yeah. My friend lives here.
Landlady: Your friend?
Bea: He helped me, so I just wanted to tell him thank you.
Landlady: Oh, I’m so sorry. [chuckling] There’s no one in there.
Dad: All right. I think that’s everything. Hey, we can always come back. Got everything?
Dad: All right, I’ll be right back.
Grandmother: Oh, I was just coming to say goodbye.
Bea: It was you. It was always you. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t remember sooner. You’re probably thinking that… I don’t need you anymore. That I’ve grown up. So… I just had to come tell you that I’ll always need you. Especially when I grow up. All I have to do is close my eyes and it all comes rushing back.
[???]
[Bea] When I was little, I remember telling a story. And as I get older, I often find myself looking back, questioning certain details. But every time that happens, I always remind myself to take a breath… and simply ask myself… [sighs] …”What IF?”
Grandmother: They’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. So… shall we go in?
Blossom: Oh, God.
Cosmo: Danny, I’m back! You look great. Love the beard. How old are you? Cloak-and-dagger!
Come on, let’s go. You got this.
Let’s go, come on.
[Dad] Can I admit something to you? I’m not sure I even know what a pizza roll is. I should’ve admitted it earlier, but– Hey, is that heavy? 
Bea: A little bit.
Dad: Oh, it is? Okay, great. Don’t worry, I got the rest of it. Hey, Keith.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Paramount Pictures Transcripts