2015 Power Rankings-Week 12

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== Introduction ==
Well the bad news is, your team sucked this week. The good news is, so did everyone else’s! Okay, with a couple of (un)expected exceptions. Give it up for Papa’s Posse, who really put it all together and gave Dee a beatdown. That’s revenge for the clinic Dee put on in week 2 against Papa’s Posse. Darren Sproles outscored five of Dee’s players this week while Marshawn Lynch once again rode the pine. But that’s neither here nor there (it’s totally here, there, and everywhere. The Sproles/Ivory trade was fair damnit!). Then The Shotti Bunch became the second team to power past projections in a week where eight teams failed to break the 200 point threshold.
All in all, this week felt a little….squirrely.
Welcome to the Cute Squirrel themed power rankings! Yes, this is our first picture-centric theme and probably our most oddly specific. But I follow a squirrel’s instagram (why? fuck you, that’s why) and flipping through her pictures today I felt like she really captured the essence of our league. So below are your power rankings complete with a picture that most accurately depicts your team and a caption for what the squirrel is thinking in your picture.
== Join the Club ==
Congrats to Fire Goodell, who joins the 13,000 point club.
Congrats? I guess. Paddock 9 joins the 40 regular season loss club. It’s a pretty elite club. He’s the only member.
Papa’s Posse and GaroppoblowMe join the 13,000 points against club. Also elite. Only two members. Nice to know we can always just say we got screwed when we eventually choke in the playoffs.
The Shotti Bunch played their 50th regular season game this week. They’re...um...they’re really good. I don’t feel like running the numbers but yeah sources tell me they’ve won a lot of those 50 games. Speaking of which…
== Let’s Dance! ==
The Shotti Bunch punches his ticket to the big dance. He is the only team that is guaranteed a spot in the playoffs. Granted, a lot would have to go wrong for ma ma momma said and GaroppoblowMe not to join him at this point, but The Shotti Bunch is in control of his own destiny with a one game lead for the #1 overall seed in the LOC. TSB is one of only three teams to play multiple seasons and make the playoffs each year (Reign Maker with 4 and IAMGROOT with 2). They’ve made the playoffs four straight times, tying Reign Maker for the longest streak in history. Reign Maker can make it five straight if they clinch in the next two weeks.
== Let’s Not Go to the Dance and Play Video Games Instead. Prom is Stupid Anyway. ==
Paddock 9 and Fire Goodell are the first two teams to be eliminated from playoff contention in the 2015 season. P9 gave it a good effort but came just short against Reign Maker. His loss screwed both him and Fire Goodell, who improved to 3 wins but is now mathematically eliminated thanks to the Papa’s Posse/TEAM MANBEARPIG matchup next week. One of those two teams will move up to 6 wins, setting the low water mark for playoff eligibility. Both teams will now enter the Consolation Tournament and hope to win out there, thus giving them control over the draft order for the 8-10th ranked teams.
== This is Nuts (Squirrel Pun) ==
Despite the loss, Dee has scored 650.60 points over the last three weeks. That’s second only to The Shotti Bunch, who has put up a whopping 702.07. Paddock 9 has been November’s lowest scorer. In three week’s he’s mustered just 453.25 points, the only team to not break 500. GaroppoblowMe, who has spent most of the season in first, has sputtered of late. He scored the 6th most points over the last three weeks (564.73). TEAM MANBEARPIG, who was a dead shell of a team for a while, has put up the fourth most (605.55). Ma ma momma said and FreeOJ have also outscored GaroppoblowMe, while Reign Maker comes in at 7th with 538.06, just beating out Papa’s Posse (527.59) and Fire Goodell (501.59).
I could have put all that in a chart but honestly I’m so fucking lazy I didn’t feel like it.
== The Rankings ==
=== 1(3). The Shotti Bunch ===
Squirrel Quote: "Oh, you guys are still way down there huh? Okay I'll just hang out up here for a while."
You ass hole. You're just a big bully, Shotti. Goddamn you. Every damn year. Every...damn...year. Be bad one time!!
Ehem...sorry...I blacked out for a second there. Where was I? Ah yes, well, congratulations. You earned yourself First Place Squirrel. To be the best you had to beat the best. But since you ARE the best, you had to beat the team parading around pretending to be the best, and that was first place GaroppoblowMe. TSB is the only team to have gotten over 200 points in 10 of the 11 games this season and in each of the last 7. As expected, their .500 start has turned into another dominant year. But two of their three seasons have ended with a Semi-Finals loss. Regular season success has not always translated for TSB. What is in store this year?
=== 2(1). ma ma momma said ===
Squirrel Quote: "You just haaad to take your bye this week, didn't you Eli? No it's okay you rest, I'll wait."
Yes, it seems the bye week bit hard for MMMS. Similar to how GBM choked in week 4 with the Patriots Trio on the bye, MMMS had to fill spots for almost half their team with the NYG's resting up for the playoff push. Their loss opened the door for FreeOJ and Dee to possibly overtake them in the coming weeks and they fail to capitalize on the GBM meltdown.
=== 3(2). GaroppoblowMe ===
Squirrel Quote: "Yup, there they go. All my hopes and dreams."
Let me just...hold on...give me a second *grabs pillow, smushes face into it* (FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK)
This team might be royally screwed at this point. The Edelman loss was pretty tough but the 15-20 a game shouldn't make or break the season. However, a couple of Flex Guys falling out of their hot streaks (Sup, Tavon Austin) hurts. Then you have to factor in Tom Brady's decrease in fantasy production with his depleted WR core. He's gone from being a 300-400 yrd 2-4 TD per week performer to a game manager. In no way is this a knock on Brady, he is showing why he's the greatest to ever play. But from a fantasy standpoint, disaster. Utter disaster. Let's go to the team owner for a word regarding his season. Matt? Matt? Oh god, he's dead! Shotti killed him!
=== 4(5). Deez Sons of Bitchez ===
Squirrel Quote: "Hiii. Still here!! Ivory's a bum. The league will bow to my supremacy. Guys are dumb. Blah blah blah"
As much as I want to just dump all over this team, I can't. They played very well despite the loss. If Rodgers is returning to form they'll be even better as they approach games that matter. A matchup with FreeOJ or GaroppoblowMe seems destined at this point. After calling out GBM ownership for being bitter that Edelman was lost and they owned Amendola, the Fantasy Gods fired a warning shot in the way of a sprained knee. I'd be mindful of coming at the commish again, or that sprain could turn into an ACL tear.
=== 5(6). FreeOJ ===
Squirrel Quote: "I'm here to fuck shit up."
What is FOJ's deal? Are you good or do you suck, bro? FOJ, accustomed to dominating odd years, has neither dominated nor been dominated. They've been incredibly average. They've gone over 200 6 times, and under 200 5. The last two weeks have been very scary. QB has to be a big point of emphasis moving forward, with each decision possibly determining game outcomes. All their defenses have underperformed for weeks now. At least they're good at RB and have some options in the flex spots. This is 2015's boom or bust team and if they boom at the right time they might just boom right to a championship.
=== 6(7). Reign Maker ===
Squirrel Quote: "Is it over? Did I win?"
Hey, a win is a win. Even if it came down to Monday Night and they almost joined the top ten list of lowest points scored by a winning team. They almost got screwed by Derek Carr, who felt like going against his twin in Patrick was just not right. Carolina Defense luckily put the team on it's back (why the hell would FreeOJ drop that defense). As of now, however, this team doesn't have a championship build. In the words of Trent Dilfer, they're just not good anymore. They are just barely hanging on to that 6 seed, but are luckily in control of their own destiny moving forward.
=== 7(9). Papa's Posse ===
Squirrel Quote: "What, huh? I was napping, what happened? I won one? Holy crap, hold on I'm gettin' up."
Last week I commented that this team had fallen asleep at the wheel. Well they obviously heard me because this week they woke up. Doug Martin came out of no where with his best performance in years and Palmer continues to put up great fantasy numbers. The season will be on the line against TEAM MANBEARPIG this week. Everyone remember how the 2011 season went. It was right around now that Papa's Posse got hot and went on a huge winning streak to take the trophy
=== 8(4). TEAM MANBEARPIG ===
Squirrel Quote: "I'm not stuck. No I'm fine, don't help me. I know I'm going the wrong way. Just shut up okay?"
TEAM MANBEARPIG, enough with the injuries okay? It's getting old. Alshon a late scratch, again. Meanwhile, they just can't seem to win a game without Big Ben at least active. They were trending up for a while but now they're headed in the wrong direction and their season is in trouble if they can't beat Papa's Posse. Both of these teams have had periods of utter disaster and have seemed out of it but the winner will have a shot at the 6 seed.
=== 9(10). Fire Goodell ===
Squirrel Quote: "Can't...go on..any longer...should have..never..drafted...Reggie Wayne...fire Goodell" *dies*
Solid spoiler-esque win this week and they'll look to keep the spoils going against bubble team Reign Maker in week 12 and then GaroppoblowMe in week 13. Really not much else to say here. Good win man.
=== 10(8). Paddock 9 ===
Squirrel Quote: "When I get out of last place, you're all dead! You hear me? Dead!!"
This team had the worst luck all season but part of is was manager error. And honestly I've battled this concept for a few years now because I've sucked since 2012 and had so many games that I could've won if I'd made the right starts. The fact is if your team is good you don't tend to have these issues because all your guys perform every week. Bad teams have guys who put up 30 one week and then disappear for three games. Case in point:
Me: "You would've won if you had started Eddie Lacy."
Patrick:
== Matchup of the Week ==
Papa's Posse vs. TEAM MANBEARPIG
I already spoke a bit about what makes this matchup great. This is truly a battle with the season on the line. Both teams have 5 wins. The winner will go to 6 wins. Papa's Posse plays Reign Maker next week, the current 6th place team. So if Papa wins their game next week could be win and in. TEAM MANBEARPIG, on the otherhand, currently leads in points scored. Earlier this season Papa barely beat TMBP after Big Ben went out with an injury. Now Ben is healthy but PP has a few new tricks up their sleeve with Palmer and GB defense. Should I mention this is also a battle of the dads? Ya'll know TEAM MANBEARPIG has kids right? So when you're beating his team into submission you gotta keep in mind he has children.
I honestly am having a lot of trouble picking a winner here. I think Papa's Posse has the better matchups and the upperhand in this one so I'm going with them. One Cinderella story is unfortunately about to end and I think that will be the rookie's season.