Episode 309: Liberace/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 309: Liberace.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Liberace? Uh, Liberace? Thirty seconds to curtain, Liberace.
Liberace	Thank you. You know, Scooter … for years I've had piano-shaped finger rings and piano-shaped swimming pools...
Scooter 	Oh, I know that.
 	
Liberace	Well, I want to thank the Muppets for making my life complete. I now have a piano-shaped house pet.
 	The piano sprouts eyes and growls.
Scooter 	Whoa. … It wants to be walked.
Liberace	Or tuned. (winks)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Liberace! Yaaayy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf	Why must they get things started? (they chuckle)
 	
 	Gonzo blows into his horn, with no result.
Gonzo 	Rats.
 	His horn plays a fanfare by itself.
==Opening number==
 	The canteen. Gonzo picks up his order.
Gonzo 	Thank you, Gladys.
 	A chained Animal startles Gonzo, knocking the food off his plate.
Animal 	FOOD!!! (pants)
 	
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, down there, for a second. Uh, I'd like you to be on your best behavior tonight because we have a real artist on the show, Liberace.
Animal 	(jumps) Liberace!
Floyd 	Cool it.
Animal 	(submits) Cool it, cool it!
Floyd 	Down. Easy. Stay.
Kermit 	Uh, okay, good. Now, listen. Uh, later on, Liberace is doing an entire concert for us, so I'd like some dignity on the show.
Animal 	(jumps) Dignity! Dignity! Dignity!
Floyd 	Down, Animal. Down, down.
Animal 	(submits) Down.
Kermit 	Floyd, maybe you better shorten his chain tonight.
Scooter 	Hey boss, you'd better get on stage. The show's started.
 	Kermit frantically rushes to the stage, tripping on something on the way.
Animal 	Dignity! Dignity!
Kermit 	Dignity, dignity.
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is the one and only Liberace! And later on in the show, he's going to play an entire concert for us.
 	
 	A sad Rowlf walks by, holding a candelabra.
Kermit 	Don't take it personally, Rowlf. Anyhow, right now I'd like you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers. Because, if you open 'em, you'll see this.
 	
 	Miss Piggy and the pigs perform the Greek number, "Never on Sunday," while dancing and smashing plates. A traditional Greek dance begins…
Pigs 	Hey, Zorba! Mykonos! … Hummus! … Retsina! … Baklava! Hey!
 	The tempo increases. Piggy cheers as plates get smashes.
Pig (RH)	I love the bouzouki music!
 	Animal shows up with a bazooka.
 	
Animal 	Bazooka?
Pig (RH)	Bouzouki! Bouzouki!
 	Animal fires at one of the pillars. Applause.
Waldorf 	Greek music. Very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler 	The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf 	The pigs are greasy.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, Piggy, you were good.
Miss Piggy 	I was great!
Kermit 	Right.
Scooter 	Hey — I thought we were into dignity tonight, chief. Those guys left a mess out there.
Kermit 	Well, that's true, but the next act will take care of the broken glass.
Scooter 	What's the next act?
Kermit 	Alfredo and Hildegard, the mop dancers.
 	Two Whatnots pass by with their mops. Kermit speaks to the one in the wig.
Kermit 	Hildegard, you look beautiful.
Whatnot (DG) 	I'm Alfredo.
Kermit 	Of course.
Scooter 	Great planning, chief.
Fletcher Bird	Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for...
 	
Kermit 	Check upstairs. The dressing room with the star on it.
 	Fletcher goes upstairs and enters the dressing room.
Scooter 	What's that all about?
Kermit 	Well, you see, Liberace is planning his whole concert — uh, his whole concert around our feathered friends. He's auditioning birds in his dressing room.
 	WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Auditioning birds? But he hasn't seen my chicken act! Nellie! Camilla! Get your tap shoes, your seltzer bottles, your bunny ears! Wait till Liberace sees this bird act.
Kermit 	Good grief. Uh, hey Scooter, tell Swedish Chef his percolator act is next.
Scooter 	Check.
==Canteen==
Floyd 	Hey, Gladys. Where's that fried egg I ordered?
Gladys 	Oh! Chef, where's that fried egg Floyd ordered?
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Gladys 	Yeah, great. Just give it to me.
Scooter 	Oh, Swedish Chef! On stage for the percolator act!
 	The Chef plops the egg on Gladys's hand and rushes onstage. Gladys walks over to Floyd and plops the egg on the table.
 	
Floyd 	That's it, huh?
Gladys 	'Fraid so, honey. (walks away)
Floyd 	Can I have a handful of coffee to go with it?
==The Swedish Chef / Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with two pepper grinders.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them and displays a coffee percolator.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de përkølåtör. I përkølåte de cøffëe.
 	He turns it on and hums while it percolates. He hears a strange sound, and removes his hat to find a percolator on his head! The Veterinarian's Hospital cast rushes in.
Swedish Chef	Whåt de hëy?
Janice 	Oh, wow, Dr. Bob. What's wrong with this man?
 	
Rowlf 	Oh, I think he has an advanced case of ingrown coffeepot.
Miss Piggy 	(laughs) Is it rare?
Rowlf 	Yes. Usually it's found in hedgehogs.
Janice 	In hedgehogs?
Rowlf 	Surely you've heard of perk-upines?
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	On the other hand, pigs also suffer from it.
Miss Piggy 	Pigs?
Rowlf 	Yes, haven't you heard of pork-ulators?
 	They all laugh.
Announcer 	So Dr. Bob has made a house call. Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy 	Dr. Bob, should we get him to a hospital?
Rowlf 	No. Just keep him away from policemen.
Janice 	Why?
Rowlf 	He'll get a perk-ing ticket.
 	They all laugh.
==Backstage==
Kermit	Okay. I didn't understand that, but uh, whatever it was. Uh, thank you, Swedish Hospital Veterinarian Chef. Well, so much for dignity.
Fozzie	Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, boy. Everybody here is really excited about the — the concert Liberace's doing with all birds.
Kermit	So I've noticed.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah, especially Gonzo.
Kermit	You're telling me. I had to put a security guard on Liberace's dressing room door.
 	Gonzo talks to the guard.
Gonzo 	I'm telling you, he's got to see my chickens.
Guard 	Liberace ain't using no chickens in his concert.
Gonzo 	Well - then maybe he'll see me.
Guard 	He's only seeing birds.
 	
Gonzo 	I'm a bird. Yeah, I'm a — I'm a turkey.
Guard 	You're not a real turkey.
Gonzo 	Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
Guard 	(peers in door) Hey, Lee, I got this real turkey to see you.
 	Gonzo whooshes in.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Work was started today on the remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that... Oh!
 	
 	A wrecking ball plows through the wall, startling him.
==A word from Liberace==
 	
Liberace	It won't be long now. I'm down to the ten finalists in the bird auditions.
==UK spot==
 	Open on Piggy, the opera diva, standing on the opera stage.
Miss Piggy	
(speaking:)
I'm getting so tired of these comedy songs.
I want to sing something divine.
I'm sure and I'm certain to shine,
As a star in the opera line.
I simply love Wagner, Mozart and Puccini.
Their music is simply tip top.
From now on, Miss Piggy'll be known as Piggini,
And see if I can't get a job.
(singing:)
I want to sing in operrrra!
I've got that kind of voice,
I'd always sing in operrra
If I could have my choice!
Signore Caruso told me I ought to do so!
That's why I want to sing in opera,
Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!
 	Three other pigs join her, including Link.
Miss Piggy	Come in, boys. On three. One, two, three.
Pigs 	
She wants to sing in opera.
She's got that kind of voice.
She'd love to sing in opera
If she could have her choice.
 	
Miss Piggy	
Signore Carrrrruso told me I ought to do so!
That's why I want to sing in opera,
Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!
Pigs 	To sing! (To sing, to sing!) To sing! (Opera!) To sing! (Opera, opera!) (Opera, opera!)
Miss Piggy	All right, knock it off!
 	Applause. The pigs bow.
==Concert==
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets are pleased and honored to turn over the rest of tonight's show to one of the world's most amazing performers. Here he is, in concert, what we've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen, Liberace!
 	
 	The curtain opens. Liberace bows, removes his cape and sits at the piano. He begins with an elaborate variation of "Chopsticks". He gets up and bows.
Liberace 	Thank you. Thank you very much. I can't tell you how much fun it is doing this show.
Waldorf 	Sure, it's fun doing the show!
Statler 	Mm. Try watching the show and see how much fun it is!
 	They chuckle.
Liberace 	Hey, I've heard about you guys, and I'm not going to let you spoil things. I'm going to do something for the first time. I'm going to dedicate an entire concert to all the birds. I think you'll enjoy it.
Statler 	If we do, that'll be another first. (laughs with Waldorf)
Liberace 	Well, listen, you guys. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.
Waldorf 	Well, that's one way of keeping us quiet.
Statler 	(laughs)
Liberace 	Good. Oh, before I get started, I just want to explain. I know, perhaps, you'll be looking at my fingers and wondering if they're real.
 	Cut to a close-up of his diamond-studded rings.
Liberace 	They are real diamonds. … I'm glad you want to see them, because let's face it, you bought it. (laughs) You know what, there's enough karats here to feed all the rabbits in the world. (laughs)
Waldorf 	Well, what do you think?
Statler 	(looking through a lens) Yep, they're real, all right.
Liberace 	(sits down) Well, without further ado, let's begin our special concert dedicated to all the birds.
Green bird 	I can hardly wait.
Liberace 	Thank you, little fella.
 	
 	He plays "Misty", as the set changes to a a foggy bay setting with seagulls flying around. This is followed by Chopin's "Nocturne in F Sharp", which is accompanied by a flock of bird dancers.
 	Applause.
Liberace 	Well, do you like what you've heard so far?
Statler 	Yes!
Waldorf 	You've spoiled a perfect record.
Statler 	Mm!
Liberace 	Well, I'm pleased you liked it so far.
Sam the Eagle 	Mr. Liberace?
Liberace 	Hello, Sam. How's everything?
Sam the Eagle 	So far everything has been very cultural. And that worries me, sir.
Liberace 	Well, I thought you liked culture.
Sam the Eagle 	Mm.
Liberace 	I played the Nocturne especially for you.
Sam the Eagle 	Okay.
Liberace 	I dedicated it to the birds.
 	
Sam the Eagle 	Yes, yes, yes. But! I know this show, and I have seen your work too, sir. Because you have now played Chopin, it follow,s as night follows day, that soon you will be wearing a rhinestone tuxedo, and playing shameless boogie-woogie.
Liberace 	I promise you, Sam, I won't be doing that soon.
Sam the Eagle 	No?
Liberace 	I'm gonna do it right now.
 	Sam facepalms and walks offstage as Liberace goes to town on the keys. He then sings as some Gawky birds take the stage.
Liberace 	
Eight foot two, eyes of blue,
But, what those eight feet can do!
Has anybody seen my bird?
Tall and bright, what a sight!
Feathered friends of such a height.
Has anybody seen my bird?
Birds 	
Now, if you run into an eight foot two,
Feathered and fine,
Lovely wings, all those things …
Liberace 	Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds 	Oh, could she bill, could she coo!
Liberace 	Could she cock-a-doodle-do!
Birds 	Has anybody seen my …
Liberace 	… bird?
Birds 	There he is! (cheering)
 	The birds cheer as Fletcher does a Charleston.
Liberace 	Take over, Rowlf.
Rowlf 	Okay.
 	Rowlf takes over as Liberace dances with Fletcher.
Birds 	Oh, it's Liberace. Oh, look at that, he's dancing with you.
 	Statler and Waldorf dance along. The birds from the ballot join the fun onstage.
Birds 	
Now, if you run into an eight foot two,
Feathered and fine,
Lovely wings, all those things …
Liberace 	Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds 	
Oh, could she bill, could she coo!
Could she cock-a-doodle-do!
Liberace & birds	
Has anybody seen my … 
Bet your life she's been by…
Has anybody seen my bird?
 	Applause.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, it's been a very special show, and we owe it all to our very special guest! Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace! YAAAAYY!
 	Applause.
Liberace	(bows) Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. It's really been fun doing a special concert for you.
Gonzo 	(WHOOSH!) But you didn't use my chicken act!
Kermit 	Gonzo! You didn't show Liberace that awful tap dancing chicken act, did you?
Liberace	Of course he did. They do it in bunny ears. I'm using it in my new Las Vegas act.
Gonzo 	That's wonderful!
 	
Liberace	I've already ordered the rhinestone bunny ears.
Kermit 	I — I don't believe this! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! They make rhinestone bunny ears?…
 	Liberace wiggles his ringed fingers as birds and other Muppets flock the stage. The credits roll.
Statler 	Finally, we've seen them do a good show.
Waldorf 	Good. Can we please stop coming now?
Statler 	(laughs)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts