Team America: World Police/Transcript

[A puppet set in Paris, France. A tiny marionette walks past a painting of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe]
Marionette:       Sacre bleu! Dont alors! Alouette? [waves his left arm] Oh. Elo!
[the camera pulls back and away to reveal a street scene in Paris as the marionette continues his act. A butterfly appears and guides the camera to the next scene, in which a woman looks around and calls out to her son.]
Woman:               Jean-François! Jean-François! [Nearby, a boy walks by with a chocolate ice cream bar on a stick]
Boy:       Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, dormez-vous, dormez- [he bumps into a man, who turns around and is revealed to be an Arab with a long gray beard and a stern face. The boy's jaw drops in awe of him. The man scowls and then moves on with another, younger Arab to meet up with two other Arabs in front of a fountain. The first of the two Arabs they meet has a briefcase.]
Old Arab:             Bako derk. Jihad sherpaha
Third Arab:          Allaha derka derka [presses a button on the briefcase and presents it to the other Arabs]
Mom:    Jean-François! Pauvre garçon!
Jean-François:   Regardez, mama! [points to the Arabs] Ovea les zahn ge tie. [his mom turns towards the fountain and sees the Arabs. She notices the briefcase] Mon Dieu! [the Arabs hear her and face her. One of the Arabs glares at her, but sirens interrupt them and they look around. A Team America helicopter hovers overhead and circles the Eiffel Tower]
Old Arab:             [points to the helicopter] Bakala! Baakaalaa! [Parisians stop and look]
Pilot:      You in the robes: [the terrorists look confused] put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You are under arrest. [the Arabs look at each other and whip out semiautomatic weapons, firing at the helicopter. Parisians scatter]
Arab:     Baka laka aka!
Arab:     Baladaka! [the helicopter's undercarriage opens up and two ropes drop down]Joe:   Put down your weapons, now! [the Arabs resume firing at the dropping paratroopers]Chris: [with yellow sunglasses] Why can't they ever do this the easy way? [The paratroopers fire back with their own weapons. The battle rages for a few minutes, then one of the Arabs is shot into the fountain. A Team America vehicle roars into view and spins around to a halt. Two other Team America members jump out of the jeep and take aim at the Arabs]
Carson: [with full mustache and beard] World Police! Get down on the ground! [the old Arab stops, looks, and dashes off. The other three Arabs begin shooting in all directions and disperse. A leg appears]
Lisa:  Hey terrorist! [the Arab stops shooting and looks] Terrorize this! [she fires one shot and it sends the Arab through a store window. She whips her blonde hair back and beams. The officer with the yellow sunglasses stakes the jeep out, looking for the Arabs. He turns around and faces the barrel of a gun in the hands of a clean-shaven Arab]
Arab:     Bakala! [tries to shoot, but his gun is empty of bullets. He looks down, then up again]
Brunet: All right, let's make this interesting. [drops his gun and takes a martial-arts stance] Kiyooo!
Arab:     [assumes a similar position] Gaaaaah! [a few seconds later, they approach each other and begin fighting. Being marionettes, though, they don't fight very well. The officer trips the Arab down and plants a foot over him in victory] Kiyo kun! You lose.
Arab:     [a different one] Bakalaka Maaladaaka
Carson: He's getting away with the WMD!
Joe: I got him! [fires a bazooka. The missile sails towards the Arab, who just steps out of the way as the missile finds the Eiffel Tower and cripples it. The tower falls onto the Arc de Triomphe, smashing it to bits] Damn, I missed him!
Carson: [speaking into a tiny microphone on his headset] Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix? [looks up into the air. A jet appears]
Sarah:   I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre. [she sees the crowds there dispers and then the Arab entering the Louvre through a side door] Your plans are over! [she fires off a missile and it goes down into the new pyramid entrance. Explosions rend the Louvre apart and pieces of it fly everywhere]
Carson: All right, Sarah!
Chris: Yeah!
Carson:   All right, team!
Sarah:   Nothin' to it!
Lisa:               Whoo!
Chris: All right! [the Parisians look around, stunned]
Joe:   Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry, everything is "bon." We stopped the terrorists! [the Parisians look around, shocked at the destruction. Carson and the blond woman find themselves looking at each other]
Carson: I was... doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.
Lisa:               Oh yeah? 'Bout what?
Carson: I was thinking... that I want you to marry me.
Lisa:               Don't joke about that.
Carson: Who's joking? [presents a ring. She takes it tenderly]
Joe:   Joe to Sarah: Looks like we may have to order up a wedding cake.
Sarah:   He finally popped the question?
Carson: Lisa, you're an amazing woman, and a damned fine cop, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Lisa:       [caressing the ring] Oh Carson... Carson... [the Arab in the fountain suddenly pops up and fires at Carson, fatally wounding him] Carson! [three shots pass through him and he falls. Lisa shakes her head in disbelief] NOOO! [the ring falls from her hand. Joe and the brunet fire away at the Arab, who falls back into the fountain. Lisa holds Carson on her lap as other Team America members arrive to help] Carson
Carson: ...feel so... c-cold
Lisa:       You have to hang on, Carson.
Carson: Sorry babe, looks like this was a one way ticket.
Lisa:       No...
Carson: Lisa, you have to live on, find someone else who will love you, find someone else and be happy! You deserve ih ih... [dies]
Lisa:       [traumatized, laments] NOOO! NOOO! NOOOOOO!
[Cut to night, behind a billboard. "theater development fund" is seen. The camera rises to reveal Times Square in New York City, with all its neon and billboards. The camera moves along until it finds "Lease: The Musical"]
[Interior. Another camera. All the performers are singing]
All:          Everyone has AIDS!
AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!
AIDS!AIDS!AIDS!AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!
Everyone has AIDS!
Gary:     And so this is the end of our story, and everyone is dead from AIDS. It took from me my best friend. My only true pal. My only bright star.
Woman:               He died of A-A-AIDS
Gary:     Well I'm gonna march on Washington, lead the fight and charge the brigades. There's a hero inside of all of us. I'll make them see everyone has AIDS. [tempo picks up] My father!
Choir:    AIDS!
Gary:     My sister!
Choir:    AIDS!
Gary:     My uncle and my cousin and her best friend!
Choir:    AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!
Gary:     The gays and the straights and the whites and the spades!
Woman:               Woop
All:          Everyone has AIDS!
Gary:     My Grandma and my dog, Old Blue!
Choir:    AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!
Gary:     The Pope has got it and so do you!
Choir:    AIDSAIDSAIDSAIDSAIDS!
Gary:     Come on everybody we've got quiltin' to do!
Choir:    AIDSAIDSAIDSAIDSAIDS!
Gary:     We're gonna break down these barricades! Everyone has
All:          AIDSAIDS! AIDS! AIDS! AIDS! AIDSAIDSAIDSAIDSAIDSAIDS! AIDSAIDS! AIDS! AIDSAIDSAIDSAIDS! AIDS! AIDS! [a standing ovation from the audience. Gary raises his arms in appreciation. A man watches him from the shadows]
[Backstage, after the show. The actors head to their dressing rooms]
Steve:   Great job, Gary!
Gary:     Thanks. You too, Steve.
Actor 1: That was the greatest acting I've ever seen!
Actor 2: I just don't know how you do it, Gary. How do you make yourself so somber and emotional to make everybody cry like that?
Gary:     It's not that hard, really. I... just think about the saddest moment of my life. [leaves the two men a few moments later. Their gazes follow him]
Actor 2: Man, wow, Gary is such a great guy.
[Gary's dressing room. He sits looking at the mirror in reflection, then looks at a picture of his family. Memories begin to haunt him. A group of apes is heard chasing some people, and a young voice screams "Garyyy!"]
Voice:   [a shadow is seen] Hello, young man. [Gary turns to see whom it is] Congratulations on a terrific performance.
Gary:     Oh. Thank you. I don't believe we've met, mister...
Voice:   [the shadow steps into the light] The name is Spottswoode.
Gary:     Well, nice to meet you.
Spottswoode:   And you are Gary Johnston, all-American actor who graduated Iowa University Summa Cum Laude with a double major in theater and world languages. You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child. Top. Gun. Actor.
Gary:     [rises] ...Hey, hold on a second! Are you from Hollywood?
Spottswoode:   I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way. [turns around and walks out the door with a weird gait A few moments later, Gary exits the door after him]
[Outside the Stage Door. Both men are outside now. Gary stops just outside the door and looks at something. What he sees is Spottswoode next to a limo's open door, and the driver, and the white limo behind them both.]
Spottswoode:   Please, Gary, step into my car.
Gary:     Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then, if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode:   ...Nnno, I just want to show you something.
Gary:     Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Spottswoode:   Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable! [Gary steps forth and enters the limousine, moving to the far side of the passenger seat. Spottswoode enters and closes the door.]
Gary:     Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode:   Yes, it is. Now, suck my cock! [Gary shoots a look back at him] Haha! Just kidding.
[On the road. The limo peels away from the theater and makes its way through the streets quickly]
Gary:     All right, just what the hell is this about?!
Spottswoode:   I hate to break this to you, Gary, ...but some people out there want you dead.
Gary:     Dead?
Spottswoode:   They're called terrorists, Gary, and they hate everything about you.
Gary:     Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.
Spottswoode:   It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for. And every single minute of every single day, the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country. [a shot of Gary listening] The only thing standing in their way... is us.
Gary:     You?
Spottswoode:   [to the driver] Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.
[Baxter presses the valmorphanization button. The limo speeds up past the speed limit, some star-studded wings spring out from the undercarriage, the trunk pops open to allow some turbo thrusters to pop up and lock in place. Spottswoode sits back to enjoy his drink, and the limo lifts off and banks left quickly. The limo then sweeps around the Statue of Liberty and flies off]
Gary:     Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode:   Really. Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary:     [looks at Spottswoode] No...
Spottswoode:   So then you haven't seen everything. And neither have we. Last week in Paris we got four terrorists with a weapon of mass destruction. [a shot of Gary listening] The terrorists are planning something. Very big.
Gary:     And just what does this have to do with me?
Spottswoode:   Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist who wants to help them carry out the attack. An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.
Gary:     This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
Spottswoode:   That's all spying is. Acting. And they say you're the best. An actor with a double major in theater and world languages? Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary. [the limo approaches Mount Rushmore]
Gary:     Look out!
[Mount Rushmore, night. As the limo gets closer to Washington's face, the jaw drops down and a landing strip stretches out like a tongue to receive the limo. Once the limo is safely inside the mountain, the strip retracts and the jaw closes. The limo reverts to a limousine and rolls to a stop in a circular parking area. Spottswoode exits first, then Gary.]
Spottswoode:   Right this way, you maverick renegade. [turns around and goes upstairs. Gary follows him up, and they both enter a recreational room] Welcome to Team Base. [nicely appointed, with couches that form arcs, or circles if allowed to.] Gary, this is Joe [a shot of Joe] all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska. He's a natural-born leader.
Joe:        I heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston. I hope it's as good as they say it is.
Spottswoode:   And this is Sarah [she approaches], the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant in San Francisco.
Sarah:   [empath of the obvious] I sense that you're... slightly confused right now.
Man:     [playing pool] Is that supposed to be Carson's replacement? A fucking actor?
Spottswoode:   Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy, but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer.
Chris:     That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me! [finally takes his shot]
Spottswoode:   And finally we have our psychology expert. Eh, where's Lisa?
Lisa:       [enters the Base] Right here. [a stunning blonde, she is]
Spottswoode:   Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
Lisa:       Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.
Spottswoode:   We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary. But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs, and I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us they plan to use them. Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  [in a slightly stoned voice] That is affirmative.
Gary:     I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
Sarah:   The most sophisticated computer in the world.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  I have intercepted communications that several terrorist groups are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.
Spottswoode:   From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 911 times 100.
Gary:     Nine-eleven times 100... Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode:   Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.
Joe:        Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.
Spottswoode:   So now do you see why we need you? We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. [Lisa, Sarah, Joe, and Chris gather behind Spottswoode] If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
Gary:     [looks, then faces the group] All right. Thanks. [turns and heads for the door, opens it and walks out.]
Spottswoode:   Heh. [downstairs, Gary heads for the limo]
Lisa:       [heads downstairs] Gary! Hey! Hold on a second. [Gary turns around] Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger!
Gary:     How is it my responsibility to do something?
Lisa:       Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.
Gary:     I can't fight terrorists, I don't know anything about guns or jets.
Lisa:       That doesn't matter. If you wanna help people, all that matters, Gary, is what you have... here [points to his heart] Just think about it, 'kay? Here, take this. [hands him a business card with her name on it. He looks over it] Baxter will take you wherever you want to go. Just remember, your freedom's at stake too. [he turns away slowly and heads for the limo. Spottswoode looks on from his office]
Joe:        [joins Lisa downstairs] What do you think Spottswoode sees in him? [the limo starts up]
Lisa:       I don't know, but I think I see it too. [focus on Lisa. Joe looks over at her]
[The limo, interior. As the limo valmorphanizes into a plane, Gary has time to reflect]
Gary:     Hey Baxter. [Baxter looks at him with the rear-view mirror] I wanna take a detour.
[Montage. As the following song is sung, Gary visits the Lincoln Memorial, then the Kennedy Memorial from across the lake, then the World War II memorial, then Arlington Cemetery, then the Mall and Washington Monument, then the Capitol building, then another monument, then the Supreme Court, then another monument, then the Vietnam Memorial, then one last monument. Here, he looks at the business card Lisa gave him.]
Country Singer: What would you do, if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?
What would you do, if asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Would ya think about all them people who gave up everything they had?
Would ya think about all them war vets, and would ya start to feel bad?
Freedom isn't free, it costs folks like you and me, and if we don't all chip in we'll never pay that bet.
Freedom isn't free, no there's a hefty fuckin' fee, and if you don't throw in your buck o' five, who will?
Oooo, buck o' five, freedom costs a buck o' five.
[North Korea, Asia, 5,945 miles west of America. Exterior shot as the camera moves in on the palace. Dramatic oriental music plays as the camera moves down the great hall towards Kim Jong Il, who's seated on a low settee. A Chechen man dressed in winter clothes appears before him, marveling at the furnishings and the wall paintings.]
Kim Jong Il:         Fe yung so mi to mitao baitao mida.
Translator:          [comes into view] Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says the weapons of mass destruction you requested are ready for you to take.
Chechen:             I am still in the process of recruiting and training your terrorists for the attack. Ve take veapons later.
Kim Jong Il:         [mulls over the answer] Ho ya ti mahino boito mida pii paindan paa?
Translator:          He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. He says he should... fire his translator? [King Jong Il quickly raises a gun and shoots the translator in the back of the head and the translator falls over dead]
Kim Jong Il:         Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?! I cannot berieve that I actuarry have a Chechen standing here terring me when he's gonna take a derivery! Herro?!
Chechen:             Perhaps ve can be ready sooner.
Kim Jong Il:         Yes, perhaps you can. Now take your weapons of mass destruction and get the FUCK out of here!! [walks around the settee and away]
[Mount Rushmore. Team America waits at the carport in the dark. The limo returns and shuts down. The left passenger door opens and Gary steps out onto the carport floor]
Gary:     I... had to come back...
Spottswoode:   I know you did, son.
Chris:     I still say this is a fuckin' mistake!
Sarah:   Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.
Spottswoode:   Gary, I'm afraid there's no time! I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent. [Lisa studies Gary with her eyes] We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away!
Gary:     There's just one problem: I don't look Middle Eastern.
Spottswoode:   [knowingly] Ahahaha. Leave that to us.
[a secret operating room. The camera lifts off from a hidden position to peer down into the room. Inside, Gary is strapped down to a bed. Sarah prepares for a surgery as Lisa attends Gary as a nurse]
Lisa:       Sarah is a professional at skin grafting and laser valmorification.
Sarah:   [approaching with a tool] Just try to be still.
[she turns the tool on and a grid appears on Gary's face. A 3-D wire-frame face on a computer screen guides her surgery. Spottswoode looks on from a balcony around the room with a cigarette. Her first procedure appears: PROBOSCIS MODIFICATION ACTIVATED. The nose is lengthened Joe and Chris are shown on the balcony to Spottswoode's left. He notices them. The second procedure appears: MANDIBLE MODIFICATION ACTIVATED. The lips are stretched wider and the lower jaw made longer. The third procedure appears: IRIS PIGMENTATION ACTIVATED. Sarah takes a short break, then resumes operation, which now includes saw sounds. The camera above the room drops back down. Some time later, Spottswoode is in the operating room]
Spottswoode:   Ah...mazing!!
Lisa:       The valmorification completely worked.
Spottswoode:   [with authority] Sit up and take a look, Gary! [Gary sits up and takes a look]
Joe:        It it's uncanny.
Spottswoode:   You're going to fool everyone, Gary. Or should I say, Hakmed
[The boardroom, moments later. The team sits at the boardroom table for a meeting]
Spottswoode:   All right, team, we only have one shot at this, so listen up. [begins to slide across the room in his chair from one end of the table to the other] I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern, [stops, turns, and points] here, in Cairo!
Joe:        Cairo... That's in Egypt.
Spottswoode:   [returns to the table and resumes sliding from end to end] Exactly right, Joe. Now team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern, and once he's on the inside, cover his back. Gary, you must use your acting to find out any information you can from the terrorists. Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, [stops in front of Gary] ...well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this. [sets a hammer on the table. Gary looks at the hammer, then the two men look at each other. Spottswoode rolls away again] All right, team, that's it! [the team members rise] We've got a job to do! Let's go police the world! [turns around and returns to the map on I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.]
[Montage. "America, Fuck Yeah" begins to play. Roosevelt's hair opens up like two doors. Jefferson's face swings open and Lincoln's lower jaw drops down. A jet rises out of Roosevelt's head like a rocket, a cargo plane flies out of Lincoln's mouth, and a helicopter flies out of Jefferson's face. Joe and Chris are in the helicopter. The helicopter blades are shown, then Chris looks out his window to the jet flanking them. Their name badges are shown, then Joe looks at the jet as well. The jet is shown, and Sarah is flying it. The cargo plane is shown, and Gary and Lisa are in it. Back at the base, Spottswoode continues sliding from side to side. The three aircraft are shown]
Singers:                [all] Ame-eri-ica! Ame-eri-ica!
[lead singer] America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[lead singer] Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day yeah!
America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[backup singers] Freedom is the only way yeah!
[lead singer] Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[lead singer] So lick my butt and suck on my balls!
America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[The helicopter]
Chris:     What if the old man is wrong about him, huh? What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?
Joe:        Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
Chris:     [stays silent, then looks away] I got my reasons.
[The cargo plane]
Lisa:       [turns to Gary] You all right, Gary?
Gary:     I was just thinking... On stage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review. If I mess up here, [faces Lisa] we're all dead.
Lisa:       [honestly] I believe you can do this, Gary.
Gary:     Why? What reason do you have to believe?
Lisa:       ...Sometimes, ...believing is all we have.
[Egypt, in the Valley of the Pyramids, near Cairo. 5,621 miles east of America. Arabic is being spoken while people go about their daily lives at the local market. A helicopter is soon heard drawing near. Team America flies into view. The people notice the planes coming awfully close and they scatter. The helicopter lands on a booth and crushes it. Everyone coughs from the sand the aircraft stirred up while landing. Lisa steps out with her machine gun, then Hakmed follows her out. The other three members exit their planes and Sarah speaks.]
Sarah:   [raises her hand up like a Jedi] Fear not, Muslim friends, we're here to find terrorists. I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
Joe:        All right, good job Sarah. Now everyone make for the tavern.
Chris:     Let's get one thing straight, actor! I don't trust you! And if you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff 'em up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls! Got it?!
Gary:     What's your problem with me?!
Chris:     Heyeah, you wanna go?!
Gary:     Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is what the terrorists want us to do?! The war is out there, man, out there!! Now pull it together! [walks off]
Spottswoode:   [back at the base] All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
[a woman dusts out her throw rug over a balcony as the camera returns to observing the daily life of the people. Team America appears just inside the city gate]
Joe:        Clear?
Lisa:       Clear!
Chris:     Clear!
Sarah:   Clear!
Joe:        All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team take super-secret hiding positions Alpha-1! [the mission is underway. Joe spots the tavern] All right, that's the tavern, with the blue door. Act your way past those guards, [the guards are shown] and see what you can find out. Remember, if you think they're on to you, give us the Signal. Do you remember the signal? [Gary shakes back and forth with his arms stretched out, and Joe nods in approval. Gary stops and Joe whispers] That's right. All right, good luck. [Gary walks off]
Spottswoode:   Go get 'em, cowboy!
[Cairo, day. Gary walks slowly towards the tavern to the sound of Western music. He approaches the blue door and the guards. ]
Guard 1:               [fully bearded] Derka Allah Muhammad jihad. [Gary doesn't say anything, which annoys the guard.] Bakala! Muhammad jihad! [silence. The guard gets agitated.] Bakala! Muhammad jihad! Allah derka derka Muhammad jihad! Muhammad jihad!
Chris:        [afraid] Oh shit.
Spottswoode:   Come on, Gary! Act! You have the power!
Gary:     [softly breaks his silence] Bak. Derka derka Allah. [the guard relaxes and listens] Derka derka. Muhammad jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa. Habak Allah.
Guard 1:               Ohh, derka derka derka. [steps aside for Gary, who then enters the tavern]
Sarah:   All right, Gary!
Spottswoode:   Told ya he was top gun!
Joe:        I've never seen acting that good!
Lisa:       He's amazing.
[Inside the tavern. The music playing is quite familiar, as is the type of atmosphere in there. Gary walks through a beaded curtain and looks around. A dancer looks back invitingly]
Someone:           Yeah, I know, this is terrible, terrible. [Gary walks further in]
Rebel 1:                [two rebels approach] We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you??
Gary:     My.. name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist. Anybody... know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon? [the place falls silent and everyone looks at him. Three Muslims rise from a table and make their way to him]
[Outside, Lisa and Sarah look on]
Sarah:   I sense that I'm becoming... attracted to Gary.
Lisa:       My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah. It's... too painful to see them die.
Sarah:   I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up-
Lisa:       It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.
Sarah:   I treasure yours, Lisa. [Joe overhears and turns his gaze to Sarah.]
Chris:     Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?
Joe:        Ha. What would a girl like Sarah want with a... simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothin' about fancy cars or fancy restaurants. Still, I'd love to show her a full moon night on the cornfields.
[Inside the tavern. The three men have taken custody of Gary and are taking him to a back room. They burst through a door and pull Gary along, then all stop. All four face a stern Chechen, the same one who visited Kim Jong Il earlier. One of them speaks to him]
Captor 1:              Vladada Shroda. Shtud baka shtud.
Chechen Leader:              [studies Hakmed, then] Vhat do you know?
Gary:     I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I can help out.
Chechen Leader:              Get out of here. Ve have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. Vhat do you know about pain and sadness?
Gary:     [recalls the incident that killed his brother] I was just a boy when the infidels came into my village in their Black Hawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fire of black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats... screaming for help. As quickly as they'd come the infidels were gone. It was on that day... I put a jihad on them. [one of his captors grins wide] And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you too.
Chechen Leader:              [notes that Gary's stare is fixed and didn't flinch during the story] I like you. You have balls. I like balls. All right, listen carefully: the WMDs are located in a secret bunker twenty yards east of this building. [another captor looks outside and notices the Team America members] You can help us by adding them to these-
Captor 2:              Nyet! Nyet adeblaga! [the leader rushes to the window to see for himself] Bahabla! Bahabla enarrashet!
Chechen Leader:              Vladshtud! Come on! They're onto us! Hurry, friend! We must make our escape! [the five men hop onto a Jeep and burst through a walls. Joe and Chris are startled at the noise]
Joe:        Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
Spottswoode:   Don't let them get awaay!! [the Jeep sails through the streets and swerves right to go out the gate.]
Sarah:   I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern!
Joe:        Copy, Sarah! You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists!
[Joe opens up the helicopter from the front, lowers a ramp, and a Team America jeep leaps out. It crashes into a few things on its way after the terrorists' Jeep and leaves the city. Gary looks around. Chris is driving the Jeep. He presses a valmorphanize button and the jeep arms itself with missiles and guns, and turbo engines appear when the side windows at the back of the jeep pop open. The terrorists begin firing at the Team America jeep. Joe fires back at them]
Singers:                [all] ...Ame-eri-ica!
[lead singer] America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[lead singer] Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day yeah!
America!
[all] Fuck yeah!
[backup singers] Freedom is the only way yeah!
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorroo-o-o-ow
[lead singer] Fuck yeah!
Captor 3:              Die! Infidels! [the terrorists bounce over a rock on the road, launching the captor into the air and onto the Team America jeep] Aaaaaaagh! [bounces off the windshield and away. Gary sees Joe and begins to give the Signal]
Joe:        They're not stopping!
Chris:     They had their chance! [fires the first of eight missiles. It sails harmlessly past the terrorists and hits one of the pyramids, blowing the top off. Burning bits of pyramid rain down on people nearby.] Missed! Wide right! [Joe whips out his binoculars for a better look at the man waving wildly at him from the back of the terrorists' jeep]
Joe:        [failing to recognize Gary] One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
Gary:     It's me! It's me!
Joe:        Looks like he's saying "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
Chris:     Smart-ass motherfucker! [fires off three missiles in quick succession. They all miss and hit the four statues of Rameses II. Arabs look around confused]
[The tavern, moments later]
Sarah:   Gary? [firearms all around are cocked and aimed at her]
Patron: An infidel! Kill her! [The men fire off their firearms; she fires back, killing them all except the bartender, dancer, and a few bystanders]
Sarah:   Gary?
[Sahara desert, later. The chase is still on. Gary is still waving wildly at them]
Sarah:   [over the radio] Sarah to Team America 4!
Chris:     Whatcha got, Sarah?
Sarah:   Gary isn't in the tavern! [the broadcast begins to break up] I think that he was ___ with the ter___ists
Joe:        Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up.
Sarah:   Joe, do you copy?
Lisa:       [on a motorcycle in the desert] ...I I'll get him.
Sarah:   Lisa? [Lisa zooms along, pulling a wheelie at times]
Joe:        I lost her.
Chris:     'Salright, we'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.
Joe:        All right. [the front guns under the hood fire away at the other three terrorists in the jeep. The guns kill the drivier and the terrorists' jeep goes out of control. A peddler nearby is mowed down by the terrorists' jeep. The dead driver falls away and the Chechen leader takes the driver's seat. Joe leans out the window and fires at the terrorists]
Gary:     Hey hey, you guys, I think we should pull over.
Chechen Leader:              Pull over? Yes, of course! Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them!
Terrorist:             I love your balls! [the terrorists pull off to one side, the TA jeep passes them by]
Chris:     Shit, they got by me! [spins the jeep around. The terrorists go back on the road and the jeeps head towards each other.]
Gary:     Uh, what are we doing?
Chechen Leader:              This jeep is filled with explosives! We're going to take their lives, and our own!
Gary:     We're, we're gonna what?
Chris:     Hang on, Joe.
Chechen Leader:              Die, infidels! [from out of nowhere, Lisa arrives at the scene. She presses her valmorphanize button and her motorcycle activates its own turbo thruster. She sails over the terrorists' jeep and plucks Gary out of there, settling him in behind her. The driver is amazed]
Chris:     Surprise, cockbags! [quickly flips out a ramp onto the road. The terrorists' jeep hits it and is launched into the air. It hits the Sphinx, killing the two remaining terrorists. The Sphinx's head falls forward, crushing the jeep. Lisa and Gary ride towards the TA jeep]
Chris:     All right! We fuckin' did it! [The Arabs survey the damage, stunned]
[Home base. Spottswoode is watching the action on I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.]
Lisa:       Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down!
Spottswoode:   Great job, team! Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails!
[Evening World News]
Announcer:        This is breaking news, with Peter Jennings.
Peter Jennings: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo. [the damage there is once again shown] And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out. Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors' Guild.
Alec Baldwin:     The Film Actors' Guild believes that what the world needs is compassion, not violence. All that Team America does is create new enemies.
Tim Robbins:      Let me explain to you how this works. You see, the corporations finance Team America. And then Team America goes out and the corporations sit there in their, ih in their corporation buildings and, and and see that's, they're all corporationy, and they make money. Mhm.
Sean Penn:         Last year, I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had... flowery meadows and rainbow skies and, and rivers made of chocolate where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Peter Jennings: The actors are calling for an emergency meeting. Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Janeane Garofalo, and Matt Damon.
Matt Damon:     [softly] Matt Damon
Peter Jennings: In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals... their own way.
[Kim Jong Il's palace, interior. Kim is looking at his aquarium, which is well-built and houses some baby sharks.]
Soldier: Poi ta? [Kim turns to face him] Pa chin! Peya Hans Brix poge tode ka. ["Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations"]
Kim:       Hans Brix? Aww no! Oh, herro. great to see you again, Hans.
Hans Blix:             Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, and your guards won't let me in to certain areas.
Kim:       Hans Hans Hans, we've been through this a dozen times! I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay Hans?
Blix:        Then let me look around so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Kim:       Hans you're breakin' my balls here, Hans, you're breakin' my balls!
Blix:        I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you! Let' me see your whole palace, or else!
Kim:       Or erse, what?
Blix:        Or else we will be very, very angry with you, and we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.
Kim:       Okay, I'rr show you, Hans. You ready? Stand a rittre to your reft. [Blix steps to his left] A rittre more. [Blix steps to his left again, landing on a wooden circle] Good. [pulls back on an ornament that turned out to be a lever. The circle drops away under Blix and he goes down into an abyss screaming. He comes up on the other side of the aquarium window, rising up in the water] There you go, Hans Brix! How do you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?! [a shark has found Blix and tears into him] Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?! Werr fuck you! You want inspections?! Werr inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit!! [Blix's head has come off his body] What? Do you think I'm some petty arms dearer? I'm pranning the attack! Congraturations, Team America! You have stopped nothing!
[A fully-stocked bar is show, the camera scanning the various liquor bottles. The limo driver is now mixing drinks at the bar at Team America base. Sarah is enjoying herself, dancing. This indicates the party has begun. Team America is home.]
Spottswoode:   Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing. It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.
Joe:        We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary. Terrorists, your game is through!
Sarah:   You're the best, Gary.
Joe:        [now recounting the chase to Lisa] ...so this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he goes flying out-
Chris:     [Joe turns and faces him] You might have all the others fooled, but not me. Your action was reckless and it put us all in danger! The next time you pull a stunt like that I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions, you got it?! [turns around and leaves]
Joe:        Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?
Sarah:   Noo, of course not, Joe. [the two dance. A few seconds later] Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?
Joe:        [freezes in anticipation] Uh... Sarah, really?
Sarah:   Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
Joe:        I think it's better than all right. It's great!
Sarah:   Oh good! I'm so glad you think so. [they continue dancing.]
[Outside, on a balcony overlooking Mount Rushmore, Gary stares into the open air. Lisa walks out to join him]
Lisa:       Gary? You okay?
Gary:     I was just... wondering if I could let go of an... old painful memory.
Lisa:       Is it anything that you wanna talk about?
Gary:     When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy. He was the jock and I was the little performer. We were all out at the zoo one day. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild and... they jumped all over his body and... threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who... tossed him to another. Every panicked and... cried out for somebody to help but... it was too late. The gorillas... beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all. My acting... got my brother kid. [Lisa is paying attention, looking at him from time to time] I've had to live with that... every single day.
Lisa:       Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.
Gary:     I think I can finally let it go... because, my acting saved the entire world. And something even better happened.
Lisa:       What?
Gary:     I met somebody who... took my breath away. [gets closer and closer to her]
Lisa:       [turning away at the last moment] Gary, no. [walks off]
Gary:     I'm sorry.
Lisa:       It's just... things are really complicated, Gary.
Gary:     I know about Carson. I know how it feels.
Lisa:       God, I'm so confused! It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
Gary:     Maybe... feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
Lisa:       But I have to control them! Because I can't go through losing somebody again! It's too painful!
Gary:     So, so what? You're just gonna shut down? I really like you. There's no chance we can ever get together?
Lisa:       Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
Gary:     You know I can't promise that.
Lisa:       If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary:     [turns her around and puffs himself up] I promise. I will never die. [they draw closer and kiss for a long time]
[Montage. Gary and Lisa fall onto a bed, he on top of her, both naked. Foreplay ensues. She strokes his torso from the neck down along the chest and abdomen. He begins having intercourse with her in the missionary position. Next, they get into a 69 position rather lazily, next she's on to of him in cowgirl position, next she goes into buffalo stance and he mounts her, next, they're back in 69 position as they give each other oral sex, next he sucks on one of her tits, next she's turned around and he mounts her, next she's giving him oral sex as he lies on the bed, next she's in reverse cowgirl position, next they're spooning in bed, next he's performing a pile-driver on her, next they're back in missionary position and Gary is furiously having intercourse now.]
Singer:  I need this, I need love, I need you
I don't need one heartbeat, I need two
There's an emptiness I need to fill
And only one emptiness will dooo...
Only a woman can brighten up my day!
Only a woman can touch me the right way, yeah!
Only a woman is allowed to touch me there!
All I ask is that you're a woman!
Gary:     Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. [she lifts her right index finger to shush him] It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in lo-
Lisa:       Shhhh. Let's not talk.
Gary:     I can't help it. This just feels right, and I... don't want anything to mess it up.
Lisa:       Shhhh. [taps his nose with her finger] There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up.
[The Panama Canal, Central America, 193 miles south of the real America. A normal day there, ships rising and falling to the desired levels, moving from one end to the other.]
Merchant:           Lebala debala pador! [a Panamanian patrols the lower entrance in a rubber-tube dinghy.]
[Merchants are selling their goods, a truck rolls by, tourists are taking film, a steel drummer plays some music. All of a sudden an explosion rocks the ship waiting to be lowered. Two more explosions take place at the same time, one next to the ship, the other at the end of the canal. Secondary explosions occur away from the ship heading inland. The gates holding the ship back begin to crumble and water gushes out. People begin to run away. The water forms a wall and sweeps away everything before it. A man gets out of his truck and realizes what's about to happen. The water sweeps both him and his truck away]
Truck driver:       No, no, no me gusta! ["No, no, I don't like this!" More people and items are swept away]
Merchant 2:       [in yellow guayabera, hanging on to a tree] No, me gusta! [the flooding continues for a long time]
[The Panama Canal, sometime later. Bodies, clothes, and debris float in the water. Back at Team America base, Spottswoode looks at the tragedy on I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.]
Spottswoode:   Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.
Lisa:       What?
Sarah:   But, how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode:   It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnians being in charge. [turns to face the machine] That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  I'm sorry.
Spottswoode:   [faces the team] We have to find out who did this, and take them down, fast!
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  Sir, I'm intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.
Spottswoode:   [faces I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] On screen!
[Evening World News]
Announcer:        This is breaking news, with Peter Jennings.
Peter Jennings: The attack in Panama today has left thousands dead. Taking credit were terrorists from Derkaderkastan.
Spottswoode:   Of course, Derkaderkastan!
Peter Jennings: The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation for Team America's actions in Cairo. Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors' Guild.
Gary:     Alec Baldwin?
Lisa:       [faces him] Gary?
Gary:     He's, he's my hero! The single greatest actor of all time.
Alec Baldwin:     Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama? The terrorists? The person who supplied them with WMDs? No. Blame Team America. Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today. Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands. [Gary looks at his hands]
Peter Jennings: Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech, hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest. [the protest is shown including the signs "Peace Is Patriotic" "Team America Enemies Of Freedom!" "Team America Hates Peace" "Team America Is Bad" "Down With Team America"]
Sarah:   Hey! That's here! [Joe slowly turns to see her, a bit incredulous at her obvious statement]
Peter Jennings: Tom, it looks like film-maker Michael Moore is also jumping on the Fuck Team America bandwagon
Michael Moore:                [with a soda in one hand, a hot dog in the other, mustard and ketchup on face and sweater] Protesting is not enough! We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country! Bring it down! Bring it all down! [begins dancing furiously]
[Back at home base, Gary is sitting on some steps]
Spottswoode:   Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
Sarah:   Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode:   Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris:     Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode:   Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
Gary:     My acting? My ACTING?! [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
Spottswoode:   Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
Gary:     I'm through with this!
Spottswoode:   Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no I in Team America.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  Yes there is. [everyone is silent for a moment]
Lisa:       I know it's hard, Gary, but you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.
Gary:     Why me?! Why an I the only one?!
Lisa:       Because you're the one with the power to do s-
Gary:     Well I don't want the fucking power! [everyone looks at him] I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame, and I don't want the responsibility!
Lisa:       Then what about all the things you promised last night? You said you'd never leave.
Gary:     I said I'd never die. But now I'm... dead inside.
Sarah:   [off screen] You slept with Gary?
Lisa:       [turns slowly to see her] Sarah...
Sarah:   But, you knew I liked Gary. I told you.
Joe:        You... like Gary? Oh, I I I see.
Lisa:       I, I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
Sarah:   Save it, Lisa! [walks off]
Gary:     You see?? All I do is hurt people!
Lisa:       Gary, you didn't kill your brother! Those gorillas did.
Gary:     Sorry I'm not the man you think I am! I'm just bad news. [thinks a moment] I'll never act again. [turns away and walks out the door]
Chris:     Fuck him! We don't need an actor! We can take out the derkaderkastanis the old-fashioned way!
Spottswoode:   No, it would be a suicide mission.
Joe:        [resigned] That's all right. I feel a little bit like dyin'.
Spottswoode:   Ahh, Goddamnit Gary.
[Team America dirge. Jefferson's face opens up, as does Roosevelt's hair and the upper half of Lincoln's face. The jet plane takes off straight up, the helicopter flies out, followed by the cargo plane. Lisa is alone in the cargo plane, crying. Sarah is in the jet, looking at a picture of herself and Lisa. She smacks it away. Joe looks on from the helicopter. Gary is on the ground in a bus, not the limo. He looks out blankly into the sky. Memories of the gorilla attack return to haunt him again.]
Singer: 
[a dirge, so slowly]
America
Fuck yeah
Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day yeah
America
Fuck yeah
Freedom is the only way yeah
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America
Fuck yeah
America
Fuck...
[the three aircraft are over the Indian Ocean under a cloudy sky during the day]
Joe:        [without enthusiasm] All right, team. We're nearing Derkderkastan. Let's get ready. [a plane buzzes him from behind] Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft!
Pilot 1:  Hi derka derka
Pilot 2:  Hak Muhammad Ali. [four more aircraft approach]
Spottswoode:   [from home base] There's only five of them, team! This should be easy!
Lisa:       There's a Korean aircraft at one o'clock! [more of them appear]
Sarah:   What are they doing here?
Korean Pilot:      Taring take-off!
Kim:       Shoot them down, like dogs!
Spottswoode:   Kim Jong Il?! Why is HE helping terrorists?! [Lisa is struck by Korean fire, so she lifts off to get out of the way. Two Korean aircraft crash head-on and blow up]
Sarah:   I've got one on my tail!
Korean Pilot 2:   A domita!
Joe:        I got you, Sarah! [finds the Korean airplane and fires away, destroying it]
Kim:       Bring in the submarine! [a submarine appears and shoots a missile straight up]
Sarah:   What the hell?? [the missile blows up right in front of her, but no damage is done] Something is shooting at us from the water!
Spottswoode:   [skating along the ceiling now] They must be a Korean sub!
Joe:        Chris, you've gotta take 'em out!
Chris:     [in a submersible]/I> I'm already on it. [speeds off. A Korean plane flies at Lisa and fires at her. She fires back and hits him, sending him into the ocean below.]
Lisa:       These guys really snuck up on us.
Sarah:   Yeah. There's a lot of that going around lately.
Lisa:       Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
Sarah:   No, you just didn't care if you did. [presses a button, sending a missile into another Korean plane]
Joe:        Now come on, Sarah, that isn't fair! Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her. Just like, nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary. [fires off a few rounds from the machine gun under the left wing, downing yet another Korean plane]
Sarah:   What is that supposed to mean?
Chris:     Oh, come on, Sarah! You never realized Joe has feelings for ya? [launches a torpedo at the submarine, hitting it]
Sarah:   Joe? But you're like a brother to me. [fires off another missile into another Korean plane, downing it]
Joe:        That's all I ever am! Like a brother! It isn't fair! [fires off some rounds into a Chechen plane]
Chechen pilot:   Jihad jihad! [the plane explodes and Joe veers left.]
[Home base, night. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. blinks an INTRUDER ALERT]
Spottswoode:   [swivels around and faces I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar. Baxter? [a security monitor shows Michael Moore waddling into the carport]
Michael Moore:                Hey Team America! I got somethin' for ya!
Spottswoode:   [walks over to the glass wall] What the hell?
Michael Moore:                Prepare to die!!! [presses a button in his right hand. The camera closes in on a bomb strapped to his chest, counting down]
Spottswoode:   Jee-zus titty fucking... [Moore presses the button. A cloud of gas wraps around his body, then he blows up. Bits of him smash the glass wall and send Spottswoode flying across the base] CHRIIIST!!!
[The Indian Ocean.]
Sarah:   Spottswoode!! [All the Presidents' heads explode, and Mt. Rushmore is destroyed]
Joe:        Oh my God! [the video feed is lost]
Lisa:       No... He can't be dead... [a COMPUTER MALFUNCTION error appears on screen] We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!! I repeat, we have NO I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!!
Kim:       [from his palace] Their computers are down! ATTACK!! [the Korean pilots go on the offensive and strike Sarah first]
Lisa:       Sarah!
Sarah:   [careening towards the water] I sense I'm going down! [the jet splashes down]
Joe:        God, Chris, you gotta help her!
Chris:     I'm on it! Just hang on, Sarah. [moves to approach her, but the submarine fires a missile at him and hits him.] Oh, fuck! I've been hit!
Lisa:       Chris! Come in! [a Korean plane launches a missile and hits her] I'll get the rocket!
Joe:        [watching the hit] Lisa!!
Lisa:       Goin' down! [the cargo plane begins to roll]
Chris:     Goddamnit, I'm gonna have to breach! [turns his submersible up to reach the surface. It breaks the surface and steadies itself to float]
Lisa:       I'm gonna hit the water!! [the cargo plane skids along the water's surface]
Joe:        Missile lock! I've got missile lock! [sees a Korean missile headed at him] I've gotta bail out!! [jumps out into the air] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [the missile hits the helicopter and blows it up. Moments later Joe pulls the rip cord over his left shoulder and a parachute pops open, allowing him to float safely down into the water. Kim Jong Il watches the disaster on his massive screen, then turns around]
Kim:       [addresses two generals] Sarvage the ships! If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them...
Generals:            Hip! [bow and move out. Kim turns back towards his screen] Terrorists on screen! [the screen comes on and the Chechen rebels appear] Okay, who brew up Panama Canau?
Chechen leader:               We were angry about Cairo.
Kim:       Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tehr you?! You don't use the WMDs untihr you see the signahr!! I have worked TEN YEARS on this pran! It is a very precise, and a compricated pran!! I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up!! Now take the weapons where I tord you and wait for the GODDAMN SIGNAHR THIS TIME!! Goodbye!!! [turns the screen off] Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more peopre interrigent, rike me?
I'm... so... ronery. So ronery,
[begins walking]
So ronery and sadry arone.
There's no one, just me onry
Sitting on my rittre throne
[walks by a display case of figurines]
I work wery hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry...
[next, he's lying on his back on his bed]
And so... I'm ronery.
[chokes up]
A little ronery.
[now on a grand hallway]
Poor rittre me...
[now in a fossil room, looking at his aquarium]
There's nobody I can rerate to
[now in a room overlooking an auditorium]
Feer rike a bird in a cage
It's kind of sihry, but not rearry.
[now walking in a dungeon]
Because it's fihring my body with rage
[the head on one of the corpses there moves slightly. Next he's walking down a grand staircase]
I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicarry fit
[the camera pans across photos of his loved ones and finds him at the piano]
But nobody erse seems to rerarize it
When I change the wohrd maybe they'rr notice me...
And until then... I'rr just be ronery. Hehhh, a rittre ronery...
Poor rittre me......
[now looking out over a balcony atop his palace]
I'm... so... ronery...
[the camera pulls away, zooming out to show the entire palace]
[a bar, somewhere. A man is busy playing pinball. "Freedom Isn't Free" plays in the jukebox. Gary is at the bar sipping on beer. He hears the song and looks over, then looks at the beer, distraught]
Patron: Hey, weren't you that actor in the Braodway show? Hey yeah, it is you! Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS.
Gary:     [looks down] I don't act anymore. I gave that up.
Patron: Aw come on, man, just the scene.
Gary:     [barks back] I said get away from me!! I'm completely lost! I've hit rock bottom!
Grizzled Man:    [stands up and consoles Gary] Hey easy easy whoa you gotta calm down there, Chuck!
Gary:     I hurt people. I'm a dick.
Grizzled Man:    Well, uh being a dick ain't so bad. See, there are three kinds of people: dicks, pussies and assholes. [Gary listens] Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinkin' it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything. So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because... pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck! And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get?? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!!! [Gary throws up for the first time]
Bartender:          All right, that does it! Get out of here, you drunk lowlife! [Gary promptly leaves his stool and heads for the door, stumbling for the first time. The grizzled man looks on] Get outta here, I said! [Gary stumbled onto the pinball machine, then another barstool, then heads out the back door]
[The bar, outside in the back. Gary stumbles out the door]
Gary:     Lisa!! Lisa!! Uh, Lisa, are you here?? [stumbles against the trash bin next to the door]
Woman at Window:        [from a nearby apartment] Get out of the street, you fucking bum! [Gary stumbles against some trash next to the bin] You gave up on life, didn't ya?!
[Gary motions for a pause, then bends over and throws up again. The vomit slows to a trickle, but he throws up again. It stops and he stands up, but this time a torrent of vomit pours out of his mouth, only to stop again. Gary struggles to look up, stands up again, and vomits uncontrollably, sometimes in spurts, and finally collapses on the pool of vomit that has formed under him]
[Hollywood, a late winter afternoon, the Film Actors Guild building. A lovely edifice of neo-classical looks. Inside, Alec Baldwin is speaking before an auditorium]
Alec Baldwin:     My fellow actors. We live in a dark time. [The guild's initials are shown on the floor] The world is becoming more and more violent, and the idiots in charge are making it worse. [various actors are seen during this speech] What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us.
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ...
Helen Hunt:        The time has come for us to start using our acting talents in a different way.
Ethan Hawke:    Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ...
Tim Robbins:      We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stup smoking!
Liv Tyler                If we focus our acting on global politics, we can change everything and stuff.
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ...
Janeane Garofalo:           As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon:     Matt Damon.
George Clooney:              We've all done action films. If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show 'em just how tough us actors really are.
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ... [Alec Baldwin raises his hand to quiet them]
Alec Baldwin:     I'm glad you all agree, because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader, who is bringing ALL the world leaders together for a massiver international peace conference. And he wants us... to be the keynote speakers.
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ...
Matt Damon:     Matt Damon!
Alec Baldwin:     Say hello to our new partner. [a huge monitor turns on and Kim Jong Il appears]
Kim Jong Il:         [smiling big] Harro! [smiles big again]
Actors:  [pounding their tables with fists] Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! ...
[Somewhere dark. Sarah is strapped down to a bamboo bed, a bit of blood trickling down her chin. She looks around. Nearby, Chris is getting shocked in the groin]
Captor: [turns up the voltage] Zizegit sugroda! Ha haha!
Chris:     [tied down to a chair] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Joe:        [hanging upside down on a rack] Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him! [the captor relents, allowing Chris to catch his breath. Lisa, in an elevated bamboo cage, looks on]
Chris:     [looks at his torturer] I'm gonna FUCKING KILL YOU!
Kim:       You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red rhite and brue friend.
Lisa:       So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand.
Kim:       Nohoo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrorists... awr around the grobe. [looks down at Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six!
Chris:     My God... That's... f'I don't even know what that is!
Kim:       [sinisterly] Nobody does!
Joe:        You hearless bastard! Why would you do such a thing?!
Kim:       Because then there will be barance! Every country will be a third-world country! Just imagine it: All around the world there will be massive explosions! [a scene of an explosing near the Taj Mahal.] With nobody to guide them, the people will break out into panic and rioting all over the earth! [Big Ben explodes, with subsequent explosions killing many more people.] The true nature of humanity is unleashed! [an outdoor eatery is destroyed] Dog eats dog and everyone attacks everyone and fend only for themselves! Global stability unravels! [Hollywood is blown up] By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate. [the team members are in awed silence]
Joe:        Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world's leaders distracted here for nine hours!
Kim:       Oh no? I've got Arec Bardwin.
Joe:        Dear God...
Kim:       You are the rast of a dying breed. The frag-waving American. Well, your rittle dream will soon be over. I must get back to pranning the ceremony now. [turns around and walks off] The Film Actors are... on their way. Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.
Lisa:       Having so little faith in humanity... must make you a very lonely man.
Kim:       [turns around and glares at her] You shall have a front row seat. [to the captors] Bring her upstairs! [the captors walk up to her cage]
Sarah:   Leave her alone, you son of a bitch! [they open the door and haul her off. Sarah squeezes her eyes shut] Lisa! I treasure your friendship!
Joe:        [struggling on the rack] Ugh! Somebody has to stop this!
[Somewhere outside. Under a tree, Gary looks at pictures of him and Lisa: a close-up, then at the balcony at home base, then at a city from a mountain road on his motorcycle. He rides off. Next, during the day, he's on his motorcycle. He rides a long way before the camera bumps him off. Next, he's riding at night with a darker beard as it grows out. He arrives at Mt. Rushmore.]
Singer:  I missed you more than Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I missed you more than that movie missed the point,
And that's an awful lot, girl, and
Now, now you've gone away... and all I'm trying to say, is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school (school school).
He was terrible in that film.
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part (part part).
He's way better than Ben Affleck.
And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too.
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you
Pearl Harbor sucked...
Just a little bit more than I miss you...
Gary:     [gets off his motorcycle and looks at the damamge] Oh my God. What the hell happened? [he makes his way into the base and looks around at all the destruction] Hello? A-anybody?
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  [responding, powers up] Greetings, Mr. Johnston. [the voice is understandably impaired]
Gary:     I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?!
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.
Gary:     But where's the team?!
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.:  They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong Il in North Korea. I have intercepted communications that he is planning the massive attack during a peace ceremony.
Spottswoode:   [with pistol cocked] Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your Commie brains out!
Gary:     Spottswoode.
Spottswoode:   Johnston? [Gary approaches him] What the hell are you doing here?! Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.! I'm using it to blow up North Korea!
Gary:     No! The team is in North Korea!
Spottswoode:   I know! And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe! My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong Il and everything around him before he can set them off!! [turns to I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. and approaches it] I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships!
Gary:     You'll kill them all.
Spottswoode:   It's what they would WANT me to do, Gary! They would happily give their lives for the good of the world, something YOU don't understand!!
Gary:     There has to be another way!
Spottswoode:   There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il!!
Gary:     Let me go.
Spottswoode:   You!! You're a buttfucking quitter!! You walked out, Gary! The team went on a mission without you, and without an actor they were like pigs to the slaughter!! I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?!?!
Gary:     I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back. [Spottswoode turns away and walks off] Please, just let me help.
Spottswoode:   Huh, you've done enough.
Gary:     Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.
Spottswoode:   Huhhh. I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do, but you've let me down before.
Gary:     Please. How can I make you trust me?
Spottswoode:   [now calm, begins reminiscing] I remember the first time we met. You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me. Do you remember that?
Gary:     [ashamed] Yeah.
Spottswoode:   And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I... can trust you.
Gary:     Just... give me a chance. [long pause]
Spottswoode:   All right. I'll trust you. [turns around] But only if you... will perform oral sex on me.
Gary:     What?
Spottswoode:   Right here, right now.
Gary:     You can't be serious.
Spottswoode:   Oh, I am serious. Look, [points to his own face] this is my serious face.
Gary:     What will that prove??
Spottswoode:   [advances on him] It will prove that you are TRULY ready to lay everything on the line!! To throw away all your inhibitions and and give one hundred percent!! We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust!! Don't you see?!
Gary:     No. I thought you weren't gay.
Spottswoode:   This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!! It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it. [they look at each other, then Spottswoode drops his pants.] Okay, let's do it. I'll make sure nobody's watching... Yeah, it looks clear. Okay, go.
Gary:     ...There must be another way.
Spottswoode:   Hrnh!! [pulls up his pants] I guess you... won't do everything to take it all back, will ya Gary?!?!
Gary:     Nonono, wait wait, hold on. You're saying if I do that, you'll... let me help the team?
Spottswoode:   I'll give you all the time I can. [they look at each other, then Spottswoode drops his pants again.] Okay, let's do it. [stands up again] There we go. Aaand, go. [Gary begins to move, but looks at Spottswoode once more, lowers his head again, does a double take, then drops down to give him head. Twenty seconds later, Gary stands up.] You are dedicated!! Now, let's go get cleaned up. If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's palace single-handed, we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time!
Gary:     How are we gonna do that?
Spottswoode:   I think I know just what we need...
[Montage. First order of the day, target practice. Gary fires a semiautomatic at a target, but is a poor shot. Second, the treadmill. Third, martial arts. Forth, the gyroscope. Fifth, curls, as Spottswoode looks on. Gary can't finish one curl. Sixth: reading and study. Seventh, back on the gyroscope. Eighth, a scene of someone getting an invitation to the peace conference. Ninth, more martial arts. Tenth, more target practice. Gary is getting better. Eleventh, more curls. Gary is getting smoother, doing several reps at a time. Twelfth, more martial arts. This is their first battle. Thirteenth, the Prime Minister of Japan is invited to the peace conference. Fourteenth, Spottswoode catches Gary sleeping when he should be reading and snaps him to attention. Fifteenth, Gary takes on more weight to curl. Sixteenth, the Korean captors give Joe the genital shock treatment. Seventeenth, Kim Jong Il meets with FAG to announce the upcoming International Peace Conference. Eighteenth, Gary beats Spottswoode in battle for the first time. Nineteenth, more target practice. Gary is now an awesome shot, striking the center every time. Spottswoode gives his approval. Twentieth, Gary shaves. ]
Singer (and backup singers):       Hey!
The hour is approaching to give it your best
And you have got to reach your prime!
That's when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us the passage of time
We're gonna need a montage (Montage)
Oooo, it takes a montage (Montage)
And just show a lot of things happenin' at once.
Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?)
And with every shot, show a little improvement
To show it will not take too long
That's called a montage (Montage)
Dude, we want a montage (Montage)
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You'll need a montage (Montage)
Even Rockey had a montage (Montage)
Always fade out in a montage (Montage)
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage (Montage)
[Kim Jong Il's palace, North Korea]
Announcer:        Radies and Gentlemen, the Film Actors' Guild and Kim Jong Il are preased to welcome you the International World Peace Ceremony! [fanfare plays] The most important people from every country are gathereed here in soridarity, to cerebrate peace! There will be music, dancing, and of course, the biggest stars in Horrywood! In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show, the multitalented Kim Jong Il!! [shown in the shadows with Lisa. the audience applauds]
Kim:       [the spotlight is on him as he holds a mic] Oh, harro!
Announcer:        And now, we present to you, the very best in North Korean music! [the curtain goes up on stage and North Korean officers come out and dance.]
Soldiers:               King Jong Il Jo! King Jong Il Jo!
Diva:      King Jong Il is simbong key. Beelat Kim Jong Il. [clapping continues]
Kim:       [to Lisa] Ten years of pranning and finally the night is here. The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Bardwin takes the stage. [] That when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time. When you see Arec Bardwin, you'll see the true ugriness... of human nature.
Lisa:       Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.
Kim:       You stupid naïve Team Americans. You believe in true rove and happy endings evne while the world around you spirars downward.
Lisa:       Sometimes, believing is all we have.
[Backstage at the palace. Alec Baldwin runs through his speech with the other members of FAG]
Alec Baldwin:     ...and as the leaders of your countries, you have the power to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
Samuel L. Jackson:           You're gonna knock 'em dead, Alec.
A Page: Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
[Outside, a full moon rises over the eastern horizon behind some clouds. A figure in a cloak climbs the stairs and two North Korean soldiers rush in to block his path.]
Soldier 1:             Who the hell are you?
Gary:     [waves his hand to the right slowly] I'm with the Film Actors Guild, here to help with the broadcast.
Soldier 2:             Can you show credentials?!
Gary:     [waves his hand to the right slowly] Hey. You don't need to see my credentials. I left them at home, and I'm running late.
Soldier 2:             I berieve him.
Soldier 1:             Yeah, me too. [they let him pass]
Soldier 2:             Oh preen teong
Soldier 1:             Okay, have a nice day.
Soldier 2:             Fong chang.
Spottswoode:   My God, his acting is better than ever. [Gary opens the front palace doors and walks in]
[Kim Jong Il's palace, inside. More soldiers notice him and trickle in]
Soldier 3:             [from a catwalk above the second floor] Hugoo izete!
Soldier 4:             Uea! Ya!
Gary:     Don't worry, fellas. I've got my pass... right here. [whips out his guns and kills the soldiers on the catwalks, then the soldiers behind him on either side, then the soldiers on the upper catwalks]
[The dungeon. Two FAG members have taken to watching the Team America captives and playing chess: Martin Sheen and Tim Robbins.]
Martin Sheen:   [makes his move] Nnnye.
Joe:        [now in the cage that held Lisa, with Chris and Sarah] Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins, you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing! [Martin and Tim look up]
Martin: Shut up! We have explicit instructions to watch you!
Tim:       Yeah, we're supposed to be guarrrrds.
Martin: We're guards.
Tim:       [looks at Martin]We're guarrrrds, huh? We're guarrrrds.
Martin: We're guarrrrds.
Soldier: [rushing in] Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins, someone has broken into the main hall! [the actors quickly turn their heads]
Tim:       What?! [both men rise quickly from their seats] Come on, Martin! [they leave as the soldier looks on. The soldier then takes off a wig and mask and stands there for a few seconds]
Sarah:   Gary? [Gary walks up to the cage]
Chris:     What the fuck are you doin' here?!
Gary:     Guys, are you all right? Uh where's Lisa?
Joe:        What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.
Gary:     Look, I wanna make things right. Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base. [hands Joe three wrist communicators with a little screen on each one. Joe gives one each to Sarah and Chris]
Sarah:   Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
Spottswoode:   Not as dead as you think!
Joe:        [happily] Spottswoode!
Spottswoode:   Yes, I'm here, Joe! [Gary opens the cage door and the other Team members exit]
Sarah:   [on her wrist communicator] All right, you're alive!
Spottswoode:   [zipping back and forth in his chair once again] Great to hear your voices again! Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong Il!
Chris:     [defiantly] Well I'm not goin' anywhere with this fuckin' traitor!
Joe:        Yeah, what makes you think we'll take you back, ya douchebag?
Chris:     We're doin' this WITHOUT YOU!
Spottswoode:   Now hold on, team. Gary has already proven to me that he is one hundred percent commited to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock! [Joe lowers his wrist and looks at Gary]
Joe:        All right, team, we've gotta find that stage!
[The Peace Ceremony, left-side balcony. Kim Jong Il is pleased with the proceedings.]
Kim:       Rook how much they ruv my show! The entire audience is so captivated! [a shot of the world leaders, then a shot of the stage. Female North Korean dancers sway before a large mural of a missile headed for a huge heart atop a building]
Dancers:              ...zaedung tong, tong. Zaedan ting, ping. Kayung tong, tong...
Kim:       Now you see, the new world is... inevitable.
Lisa:       ...It's what?
Kim:       Inevit- inevitable.
Lisa:       One more time.
Kim:       [turns to her in fury] INEVITABLE. [turns around] Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your fuckin' ears!
[Backstage. Alec Baldwin paces the floor]
A Page: Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin!
Alec:      Thank you. [Tim Robbins and Martin Sheen rush in]
Martin: Hey Alec! We have a problem!
Tim:       Team America escaped!
Alec:      What?! You fools! They'll ruin everything!
Helen Hunt:        We'd better warn everyone; they'll be headed here!
Alec:      No! We can't look weak and powerless! If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get! Every actor grab a gun and keep Team America from reaching this ceremony at all costs!
Sean Penn:         K'pla!
The Other Actors:            K'pla!!
Tim:       [slowly, with determination] I swear, they won't reach this stage!
[The main hallway. In slo-mo, the Team America members make their appearance and walk down the hall with confidence. Actos begin firing at them; they quickly find hiding places.]
Joe:        Team!
Chris:     What have you got?!
Joe:        Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler at twenty yards!
Chris:     [peaks out and hides quickly again] Sonofa-!
Sarah:   Come out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo! [Gary steps out and throws a grenade at the actors. George Clooney and Liv Tyler are killed as the grenade explodes. Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo continue firing]
Chris:     Drop your weapons! [fires a large bullet at Ethan Hawke, taking out part of his abdomen]
Janeane Garofalo:           [firing away] Fucking die! [Team America fire rips off the top half of Janeane's head, and she falls, firing away at nothing in particular now]
Joe:        Let's split up! Sarah, you and Gary go that way and Chris and I will go right.
Sarah:   No. I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe. [Joe smiles at this change of affection]
Chris:     [to Gary] I guess you're with me, cough-bag! [they go left while Sarah and Joe go right]
Sarah:   [rounds a corner with Gary] Danny Glover!
Danny Glover:   Sean Penn, we must protect the show!
Sean:     Right. [they leave the hallway. Sarah moves towards the middle of the hallway]
Sarah:   The stage must be that way! [finds double doors at the middle and opens them]
Spottswoode:   No, Joe, Sarah, it's a TRAP! [Joe and Sarah enter the room, not hearing Spottswoode, and a glass partition rises and splits the room in two. Behind the partition are Sean Penn and Danny Glover, at a control table. The double doors close and lock shut]
Sean:     Very impressive, warmongres! Now let's see how Kim Jong Il's panthers treat you. [two side doors rise and a panther comes out of each door. Joe and Sarah get into battle stances.] I went to Iraq, you know! [the panthers circle Joe and Sarah]
[In another part of the palace, two sliding doors part and Gary and Chris enter a room.]
Chris:     Susan Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon:              [bound up with rope, sitting on a small bench] Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony! Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is!
Chris:     All right.
Gary:     No! Chris! Stay away from her!
Chris:     Fuck you, she wants to help us!
Gary:     No, Chris. She's acting.
Susan:   I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go with their plan.
Gary:     Your skills are fading with age, Ms. Sarandon.
Susan:   [her facial expression darkens] You shall die a peasant's death! [bends down and breaks out of the rope that bound her and whips out and begins firing semiautomatics at Gary and Chris] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! [Gary quickly fires back and keeps the bullets coming as he backs her up against a balcony. She tumbles over it and falls to the ground at the main palace entrance. Her body parts splatter all over the place. Chris and Gary walk up to the balcony and look over and down]
Chris:     Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I... could've sworn she was telling the truth.
Gary:     That's why they call it acting. [turns around to leave] Come on, we've gotta find Lisa.
Chris:     [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town. [Gary stops and listens] I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Caddem McCavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteaser held me down, and... I was raped by a Mr. Mestophenes.
Gary:     That's why you don't trust actors... [both men take a few moments to think]
Chris:     I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. If there's still a world left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer.
Gary:     Come on, let's go. We're running out of time. [they leave]
[The trap room. The panthers have Joe and Sarah cornered. The panthers begin to salivate]
Joe:        Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that... I love you. [one panther growls]
Sarah:   No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this! [leaves the corner and walks towards the panthers] We are not your enemies, furry ones. You will not attack us.
Joe:        Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.
Sarah:   Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them. [Sean Penn laughs nervously. Sarah locks eyes with the panthers and they begin to turn on their captors. The panthers leap up and into the glass partition, smashing through it with ease and attacking Danny and Sean]
Danny Glover:   Oh no! [the panthers tear into them as they scream to their deaths]
Joe:        Sarah, you did it!
[The Flowered Hallway. Gary and Chris rush in. Gary notices an entrance at the other end of the hallway]
Gary:     Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! [he and Chris run towards it] Have Sarah and Joe lock on to [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
Tim:       [drops down from the ceiling] Grrrrr!
Chris:     Gary! [Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
Tim:       Actors Ho!
Helen Hunt:        [drops down from the ceiling] Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson:           [drops down from the ceiling] Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon:     [drops down from the ceiling] Matt Damon! [a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson:           Motherfucker! [Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
Spottswoode:   Gary, Chris, come in! [no response]
[The palace's theater. The curtain comes up]
Announcer:        And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mister Arec Bardwin! [a huge disco ball is spotlighted as he comes out. Lisa looks at Kim, Kim looks at the stage]
Alec Baldwin:     We are here to usher in a new era without violence. By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, the world can become a better place ...that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning. That... is the FAG way. One day you will all look at the world us actors created and say, "Wow, good goin', FAG. You really made the world a better place, didn't ya, FAG?"
Kim:       Yes, Arec Bardwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.
Lisa:       Oh God, no!
Kim:       You see? No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day. [Lisa looks down in resignation] This is the real world. I'm afraid your world is OVER! [presses the second, middle button, which activates a timer] In five minutes. [Lisa looks at the timer] Yeesss, the ticking clock!!
[The main hall. Tim Robbins pours gasoline over Chris and Gary as Martin Sheen, Helen Hunt, Samuel Jackson, and Matt Damon look on]
Tim:       Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.
Joe:        Put down the gas can, now!
Tim:       Kill them! [the other four actors move. Chris sneaks a peek, then performs a leg sweep under Tim Robbins, tripping him into unconsciousness. Matt Damon restrains Joe as Martin Sheen batters him with body blows. Chris comes after Samuel Jackson] Jackson! [Jackson turns around in time to battle Chris]
Spottswoode:   Team, you've got to hurry!
Tim:       [attacks Gary] Gyaaah! [Helen Hunt grabs a sword and advances on Sarah, who grabs a sword of her own]
Helen:   Let's go, bitch! I've done action films! Come on! [the two women begin the swordplay. Joe, with Matt Damon on his back, backs up into a wall, breaking Matt's hold, and kicks Martin Sheen away.]
[The palace theater, Kim's balcony. The timer is down to 4:25]
[The main hall. Tim Robbins tries to strangle Gary, Samuel Jackson continues battling Chris. Here, they perform a Matrix rotation]
Matt Damon:     Matt Damon! [Gary kicks Tim in the back of the head. Sarah and Helen continue fighting with swords until Sarah swings one last time. Helen stands motionless until the upper half of her body falls over above the waist]
Samuel Jackson:               Come on, stop trying to het me and HIT me! [Chris backs up, then runs at Jackson. kicking the upper half of his head off. Matt Damon again has Joe in his grasp, but Gary comes up behind him and twists his head hard, snapping it. Matt falls away.]
Tim Robbins:      [drawing two guns] DON'T FUCKING MOVE! [the Team America members look at him] Now isn't that a shame? You came so close to stopping peace, but you see, peace always finds a way. Goodbye, Team America!
Chris:     [his back to the camera] I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.
Tim Robbins:      What's that?
Chris:     [turns around, with cigarette in mouth] I'm a smoker. [Tim says nothing. Chris tosses his cigarette at Tim. It lands on the ground, igniting the fluid Tim had poured over him and Joe. The flame rushes to Tim, setting him on fire. Tim howls as the fire engulfs him and consumes him. One last howl and he's dead.]
[The palace theater. Alec Baldwin continues his speech, unaware of what Kim Jong Il had done just 82 seconds earlier]
Alec Baldwin:     Now that the world is going to be run peacefully, we should all drive hybrid cars
[The palace theater, Kim's balcony. The timer is down to 3:38... 3:37... Lisa struggles to loosen the ropes that bind her to her seat]
Kim:       Right now, famiries are gathering in parks. Children are walking to school. Friends are sitting in movie theaters, all compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever. [3:33... 3:32... 3 31... 3:30... 3:29] All because of me. [Team America bursts through the center double doors into the theater]
Gary:     Stop that man! [Lisa sees him, Kim Jong Il turns around to see]
Lisa:       Gary!
Kim:       Team America??
Alec Baldwin:     God damnit!
Joe:        Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong Il is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.
Alec Baldwin:     Ohh no you're not! This... is a peace conference! And if you even TRY to touch Kim Jong Il, this audience and I will rise up against you! [the audience applauds for a long time]
Somebody:         "'Please buzz off, Team America"
Spottswoode:   Team, there's no time! You have to convince that audience to let you do your job!! [the audience begins to boo Team America]
Joe:        Gary, you've got to take the stage!
Gary:     No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin. He's the best actor in the world.
Joe:        You have to try!
Gary:     I'n not that good!
Chris:     Actually... you're the finest actor I've... ever met. [the audience continues booing. Gary steps forth]
Lisa:       [under her breath] Come on, Gary. You've got to act fast. {2:45... 2:44... 2:43...]
Gary:     Uh... I know you all... don't like Team America a whole lot right now but... Kim Jong Il is a lot worse. [the audience boos him and some members begin throwing stuff at him]
Alec Baldwin:     You can't outact me, boy. Don't even try. [turns to address the audience] Well the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies they... fight. [2:12... 2:11... 2:10... the audience applauds the speech]
Gary:     Oh no we aren't! We're dicks! [everyone falls silent and looks around] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks! [a shot of three of his colleagues, then a shot of the audience] And the Film Actors' Guild!.. are pussies. [a shot of Alec Baldwin] And Kim Jong Il!.. is an asshole. [a shot of Kim's balcony, then of Kim] Pussies don't like dicks!.. [Alec now faces him] because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes who just want to shit on everything. [shots of a king, then of Lisa, then of the stage from the upper seats] Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. [a shot of more leaders] The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, [a shot of Spottswoode] or fuck when it isn't appropriate,...
Spottswoode:   [from Mr. Rushmore, to himself] Yess, Gary, yess.
Gary:     ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. [a shot of Alec Baldwin] Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes. [Lisa looks down at him] I don't know much in this... crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies!... all covered in shit. [the audience is stunned for a while, then begins to applaud him]
African Ambassador:      Tell us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il!!
Someone Else:  Yeah, what are you doing, Kim Jong Il?!
Kim:       [getting nervous] Do something, Arec Bardwin!
Alec Baldwin:     The, the... global warming and... corporate America and... [46... 45... ]
Kim:       Fire atcha! [arms his semiautomatic] You are worthless, Arec Bardwin! [fires several rounds into Alec Baldwin until Alec's head comes off. The world leaders cause a commotion, but stay in their seats] Don't fucking move!! [34... 33...] You were all going to be treated to a fabulous show, but now party's over! For I am the great Kim Jong Il!
Gary:     [sees Lisa while Kim speaks] Lisa! [leaves the stage. Lisa sees her chance and scoots into position behind Kim]
Kim:       And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have lived!! [Lisa closes in]
Lisa:       Terrorize this. [kicks him in the groin. At 19 seconds lieft, he goes over the balcony and onto the spike on a German officer's hat, screaming all the way down. The crowds reacts to this as Kim looks around frantically]
Kim:       Bayaturba! Kayapayra tayinga tingmar! Kayad! Erd! [one last gasp. The timer is at 9 seconds... 8... Gary appears next to Lisa]
Gary:     Lisa, are you okay??
Lisa:       No. Gary, the countdown! You have to stop it!
Gary:     [now at the control panel] What do I do? [3... 2... 1...]
Lisa:       Hit the big cancel button! [at 1:00 seconds Gary taps the one unlit button, and the other two buttons shut off. The timer goes down to 0:01 seconds and stops with two chirps. Gary unties Lisa and she gets up] Gary, how did you manage this?
Gary:     Spottswoode helped me.
Lisa:       Spottswoode? He's alive?
Gary:     Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I confe-
Lisa:       Shhhh! You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."
Spottswoode:   [addresses the theater] Attention. Attention everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you. But the world will be safe... thanks to a brilliant actor... named Gary Johnston. [everyone applauds. A shot of Kim's balcony, then a shot of Gary and Lisa looking out over the audience. Gary and Lisa gaze at each other, get close, kiss, and wrap arms around each other. Joe and Sarah look on] Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth. [everyone applauds.]
Lisa:       [notices something] Wait a minute! Look! [what she notices is Kim Jong Il struggling again. A large ant crawls out of his mouth]
Kim:       [now as a cockroach, crawls quickly away, passing some world leaders along the way] You have... not heard the rast of Kim Jong Il! [their gazes follow him] I will return! [crawls up a ramp, across a tiny catwalk, and into a tiny rocket] You shall see! I will be baaack! [the cockpit lid closes and the rocket takes off into the sky] So rong, earthrings!! [Gary and Lisa look on]
Gary:     We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il. [Lisa nods in agreement]
Chris:     All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party, but there's still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary:     Well then, let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force!
Lisa:       Fuck yeah.
Gary:     Fuck yeah.
[The palace entrance. Chris breaks the lock on the doors with his semiautomatic and Team America exits the palace. Their vehicles await them. They jump for joy and head for their vehicles. The three aircraft fly off into the sky as a unit]
[End of Team America]
Category:Transcripts
Category:Paramount Pictures Transcripts