Ashes

Ashes is the seventy-fifth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on February 26th, 2024 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
The cult makes their last stand against LRH and Project Phoenix.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with Squidward and Noseward sharing a prison cell)
Squidward: This brings back memories… Agonizing, painful memories of being locked in Neptune’s dungeon after - well, you don’t remember any of that, but it was painful and agonizing.
Noseward: I can imagine, Neptune was pretty pissed off at you.
Squidward: If only we could summon Neptune.
Noseward: Can’t we?
Squidward: No, he’s dead, remember? But if he was alive… He could take down Phoenix in a heartbeat. I can’t believe we lived to see the death of a God at the hands of the Devil.
Noseward: That’s far from the craziest thing we’ve ever seen.
(The camera zooms out and shows a line of prison cells; Krabs and Buff Jim are in the one next to Squidward and Noseward, then Plankton and Crayons, then Jerry; LRH walks into the prison hall and struts up to Jerry’s cage)
Jerry: What do you want now?
LRH: Nothing, I just wanted to come check up on you. This is after all, the last time you’re going to be out of my control. And this will be the second time I deal with YOU, Jerry, and I am making sure you NEVER escape EVER again.
(Jerry grumbles)
LRH: Say, maybe I could clone your personalities… 
Jerry: YOU PIECE OF [Dolphin Chirp], YOU WON’T GET YOUR BLUE, GRUBBY HANDS ON ME!
LRH: (Punching cage) YOU EITHER OBEY ME, OR GET PUT TO SLEEP. WHICH IS IT, JERRY? 
(Jerry just stares in silence)
LRH: That’s what I thought.
(LRH continues walking until he’s in front of Crayons and Plankton’s cage)
LRH: Plankton and Crayons, you two are the smartest of this wretched Cult. I could use both of you in Phoenix’s ongoing… Multiversal project.
Crayons: Multiverse? Count me out, you lunatic. I can’t be messing with entire other universes.
LRH: You don’t have a choice, anyway.
Plankton: Maybe it won’t be so bad, Crayons. There’s plenty more versions of LRH for us to kill out there across the several universes!
LRH: You’re a bit of a loose cannon, aren’t you? I’m going to enjoy scrubbing that side of you away. 
Plankton: I’d like to see you TRY.
LRH: I will. And I will have a good time. 
(LRH walks away and walks up to Krabs and Buff Jim)
LRH: Can’t say I know either of you all too well. 
Krabs: You brainwashed me!
LRH: Did I? All of my men are so insignificant, so unimportant to me that I don’t remember any of them or their names.
Krabs: LRH, back when I visited Atlantis all those years ago, you were the coolest person I ever met. Now, you’re a complete lunatic with a complete disregard for any life that’s not your own. What happened?
LRH: I’ve always been that way, fool! It was all an act, I’m an actor. I’m VERY good at deceit. Life doesn’t matter to me. When I travel through every multiverse, destroying every lesser civilization that comes in my path, I will be a God.
Buff Jim: You’re a monster!
(LRH waves his staff and it sends Buff Jim flying backwards, causing him to slam against the wall)
LRH: Shut up. 
(LRH walks up to Noseward and Squidward)
Squidward: So this is the part where you gloat to me, right? You psychopath. 
LRH: Bravo, Squidward, you’ve once again figured it out! 
Noseward: Is this all just a game to you? Does any of this matter?
LRH: None of it matters, that’s why I’m here. If I wanted, I could kill you right now, but that’s too good for someone like you. Someone with your capabilities. 
(LRH points at Noseward’s scar)
LRH: I could use that angelic power, after all.
Squidward: Do you even hear yourself? You’re walking around gloating like you already won. The fight isn’t over, we’re still gonna-
(LRH grabs the cage with his hands and glares at Squidward)
LRH: You’re gonna what? Defeat me?! Get out of this prison? There’s always a way out, right? Not this time Squidward. This time there isn’t going to be some last minute savior to bail you out, this time there isn’t a north for you to run to, this time there aren’t any other problems for you to occupy yourself with. You and your sheer HUBRIS decided to challenge ME. ME! (punches the side of the cage) I AM A GOD. And you? You’re an ant! 
LRH: (shouting so everyone can hear) You’re all ants, and you thought you could challenge ME?! THAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST BLUNDER! DIDN’T YOU LEARN FROM YOUR FIRST DEFEAT?  YOU ALL CAN’T BEAT ME! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME WHEN YOU WERE UNPREPARED, THEN YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME AFTER STAYING IN THE NORTH FOR MONTHS. WHAT IS YOUR END GOAL? WAS THIS YOUR END GOAL?
(Everyone stares in silence)
Squidward: You’re sort of the worst. 
(LRH begins walking away)
LRH: Enjoy your last minutes of freedom, gentlemen. I think I’ll start with these two.
(LRH opens the cage and handcuffs Squidward and Noseward as he leads them out)
Squidward: So what now? You try to send us into the rebirthing chamber again?
LRH: Why must you always state the obvious?
(Squidward reaches into his robes to grab something, but LRH just smirks at him)
LRH: (holding the Book of the Damned) looking for this? 
Squidward: How did you-
LRH: I swiped it as soon as we locked you guys away. I’m shocked you thought we wouldn’t check your persons while you were unconscious! 
Squidward: So what are you-
LRH: Going to do with it? I don’t know, honestly. It’s of no use to me anymore, I’ve amassed more power than any mortal, this thing would only be useful against otherworldly beings like that demon that paid me a visit. 
Squidward: Demon… Azryth?
LRH: Was that his name? I didn’t really care to ask, he came here for my power and I told him off. 
Squidward: Why?
LRH: Huh?
Squidward: Why? You had everything to gain, I know he wouldn’t have come empty-handed. So either you’re lying, or you’re an idiot. 
LRH: Idiot? I’m not the idiot. YOU’RE the idiot.
Squidward: Yeah? You’re the guy who replaced MY regime with one of your own. At least people agreed to join the Cult, you have to rely on magic crystal crap to mind control your “army”!
LRH: SILENCE, YOU FOOL! 
Squidward: No, I don’t think I will.
Noseward: Yeah, you tell him, Squidward!
(LRH hits Noseward with his scepter before punching Squidward in the stomach, causing the both of them to fall to the floor gasping in pain)
LRH: I see what you two are trying to do, you just want to get a rise out of me so I’ll break your chains in a fit of rage! 
Noseward: I mean yeah, we don’t have many options here. 
LRH: How cute. Too bad you’re out of time. 
(The three are now standing in front of a very familiar looking door with an orange glow emanating from the crack at the bottom)
LRH: Any last words?
Squidward: You’re a F[dolphin chirp]HEAD.
LRH: Good, take that anger out. 
(LRH swings open the door to reveal a padded room with orange light shining all around; a group of guards, including Squilliam, enter)
Noseward: What are they here for?
LRH: Just to make sure you two don’t try to escape. 
(LRH sits Noseward and Squidward down on two separate chairs, strapping them in)
Noseward: Squidward, if this is it, I want you to know you’ve always been like a brother to me and I’m forever grateful for all the times you’ve saved my ass.
Squidward: Don’t worry, Noseward. I’m sure we’ll find out way out of this one. We always do…
(Squidward’s eyes dart around the room until he locks eyes with Squilliam, who just winks at him)
LRH: Goodbye, “Brother” Squidward, goodbye, Noseward. I am going to enjoy every single second of this.
(LRH leaves the room and the orange light becomes more intense; after leaving the room, he casually walks back to the cage room)
LRH: I think I’ll take Jerry next. 
Jerry: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! YOU’LL NEVER GET ME UNDER YOUR CONTROL AGAIN! 
LRH: I’ve heard it before. Just follow me, and this will be over before you know it.
(LRH motions for some guards to walk in, and then he opens the cages and has his guards handcuff Jerry, Buff Jim, Krabs, SpongeBob, Crayons, and Plankton)
SpongeBob: You know that we’re gonna win this, right?
LRH: Shut up with that! God, I’ve heard that threat so many times, it’s lost all meaning. You don’t scare me, so stick a clam in it.
SpongeBob: It’s just a little thing called hope. 
LRH: Hope didn’t do s[dolphin chirp] for Squidward and Noseward. I’m sure they’re nearly reborn at this point. 
(The camera flashes to the outside of the rebirth chamber, there’s an ominous orange glow and a lot of shouting heard from inside; cut back to the cage room)
LRH: Enough talk, I’m going to change you all for the better now! It’s better like this, I promise. You’ll never have to worry about anything ever again. Just follow me. 
(The camera cuts back to the rebirth chamber, as the orange light tapers away and an eerie silence permeates as the shot concentrates on the door; after a few seconds of silence, the door blows off its hinges and the orange light has completely vanished. Squidward, Noseward, and Squilliam walk out and a bunch of unconscious guards can be seen behind them)
Squilliam: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
(LRH walks into the corridor leading the other prisoners)
LRH: WHAT IN THE HELL?!
(The guards behind LRH frantically pull out their guns and fire at the fleeing group, missing them as they hide behind a pillar)
Squilliam: Sorry, Lordy, I LIED! I have no allegiance to ANY group besides THE CULT!
LRH: Then you’re a fool and you’ve chosen DEATH! 
(While LRH is distracted, Jerry stomps on his foot)
LRH: AHHH!
(Squilliam pulls out a stun gun and begins firing at the guards, then at LRH, then he passes one to Squidward and the two run over to the cult and begin undoing their chains)
Squidward: Crayons, how do we break these chains?
Crayons: Well they’re metal, so you’re going to need something really strong. 
Buff Jim: Say no more.
(Buff Jim breaks his chains and then punches Crayons’ chains several times until they completely shatter)
Squidward: You could’ve done that the WHOLE TIME?!
Buff Jim: We didn’t have a plan before now! Speaking of, what’s the plan?
(Squidward looks at LRH, who is standing back to his feet growling; LRH grabs his scepter)
LRH: Fine! Since you’re all so stubborn, maybe I WILL kill all of you! 
(LRH fires his scepter at Squidward, but it misses)
Squidward: RUN! 
(The cult is able to run and turn a corner as LRH stands completely to his feet and follows)
LRH: I’m going to kill every last one of you! Then, I’ll go North and kill any allies you might have up there! I will reduce you to ASHES. 
(LRH goes up in blue flames as he rematerializes in front of the group, blocking their escape)
LRH: What’s that? No way to escape? Didn’t expect me to have this level of power? It’s all in here now; my SCEPTER!
(LRH holds up his scepter and shoots a beam at one of the pillars holding up the ceiling, causing the roof to collapse in the area right behind the Cult)
LRH: Nowhere to run now! 
(LRH shoots a beam from his scepter at Squidward, who’s able to quickly jump out of the way as it ricochets off the fallen pillar and hits Jerry in the back)
Jerry: AGH!
Squidward: Jerry! Are you alright?
Jerry: Yes, ‘tis but a scratch!
(Jerry has no visible damage as a result of his shell; Squidward runs up to LRH and punches him in the face. LRH grabs Squidward by the shoulders and knees him in the stomach, then hits him in the chest with the back of his scepter; Squidward falls over, the water knocked out of his lungs. Noseward pushes LRH from behind and he drops his scepter, giving the cult an opportunity to get out)
Noseward: Now guys, go! GO!
(Squilliam and Krabs help Squidward up, then everyone runs into another hallway that seems to go on forever)
Squilliam: How big is this place?!
SpongeBob: It’s a palace, so probably pretty big. 
(The gang keep running until they find themselves right back where they started)
Squidward: Okay, something’s definitely going on here. Did LRH use the book?
Noseward: Didn’t he say that he didn’t have a use for it?
Squidward: He’s a liar, it’s an incredibly powerful magical tool. I don’t care how powerful LRH is, that book amplifies his power TENFOLD!
(Suddenly, a dozen or so very large guards fill the room as the walls appear to twist and turn)
SpongeBob: Oh crap!
(One of the guards shoulder checks SpongeBob; Plankton hops onto one of the guard’s backs and enters a crack in his armor)
Plankton: Time to bring this [dolphin noises] DOWN! 
(Squidward and Noseward are standing back to back, the floor beneath them moving like a wave knocking them down but also knocking the two guards approaching them down)
Guard 1: WHY DID LRH MAKE IT SO WE COULD BE HURT IN HERE?!
Guard 2: He’s doing some magic hoodoo voodoo type stuff, I don’t think he knows how to control it.
Guard 1: Do you hear yourself man?! LRH is the ONLY one who would know how to control it!
Guard 2: You’re right, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry!
Squidward: Hey, guys, you done talking?
(Squidward and Noseward knock the two guards out; the guard Plankton was in the armor of suddenly falls to the ground foaming at the mouth)
Plankton: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Noseward: (looking around) What’s going on now?
(The walls appear as though they are melting as LRH steps in)
LRH: Enjoying my illusory magic, you bottom feeding scum?
(Squidward suddenly goes to punch LRH before realizing that he’s not actually there)
Squidward: DAMN ILLUSIONS!
(The camera reveals LRH is behind the Cult, who run to catch him as the hallway appears to grow longer and longer)
LRH: (Echoing, booming voice) I CAN KEEP YOU HERE AS LONG AS I WANT! SO MAYBE I WILL!
(LRH opens the book of the damned and touches it with his scepter, and blue fire engulfs the room; the walls around the gang twist and shift in unnatural ways until the Cult find themselves in a darkly lit hallway with several other hallways connected)
Crayons: Oh no, I’ve seen this before.
Squidward: What man, what is it?!
Crayons: LRH used his own magic and the magic from the book to create a labyrinth!
Squidward: A labyrinth? How? 
Crayons: No telling, this is some ridiculously powerful magic. I’d love to study it! 
Krabs: Crayons, is now really a good time for that?
Crayons: There’s always a good time for it.
Squidward: Tread lightly, everyone. No telling what we’ll find in these dark catacombs.
(As the group begins to walk, a small amount of blue bubbles begin to enter the hallway from further down)
SpongeBob: What are those?
Crayons: I think they’re bubbles. 
(As the bubbles get closer, they suddenly start exploding upon contact with each other)
Squidward: GO, GO NOW!
(The gang try running the opposite direction when they realize they are at a dead end)
Squidward: What the Hell?! We just came from this direction!
(They turn around again and see the labyrinth has completely changed with new hallways and directions)
Crayons: Oh great. 
Squidward: Okay, this way!
(Squidward leads the group down a hallway and suddenly guards appear in front and behind them, and they start to run down the hall from opposite sides; a door appears in the wall)
Noseward: I don’t know where this door came from but EVERYONE IN, NOW!
(Noseward opens the door and everyone runs into a dark room that suddenly lights up orange)
Noseward: Oh fish. 
(The orange begins to turn blue, and icicles appear on the ceiling)
SpongeBob: What’s going on?!
Crayons: LRH must be trying to wear us out. 
(The icicles begin to fall and the door that the cult entered through is gone, replaced by a long, open hallway)
Squidward: That way!
(Everyone runs into the hallway)
Squidward: Wait, is everyone here?
(Squidward counts everyone and realizes Jerry is gone)
Squidward: Where’d Jerry go?
(The gang all look around and don’t see him)
Crayons: In this wretched place, he could be anywhere.
Squidward: Ugh, they probably got lost. We need to keep moving.
Crayons: That’s insane! We need to find them!
Squidward: We can’t, this place is a never ending maze! We’ll never find them!
Crayons: But we lost men! They could be dead!
Squidward: If you want to wander this endless Hell, be my guest. 
Crayons: Maybe I will! MAYBE I WILL!
(Crayons runs down the hallway and disappears in a fog)
Squidward: CRAYONS! 
(LRH appears from the fog)
LRH: He broke easy. 
Squidward: What are you- what?
LRH: You’re all going to die here, Squidward. 
(LRH disappears in a fog again; Squidward, Squilliam, Noseward, Krabs, Buff Jim, SpongeBob, and Plankton are standing in the original Cult lodge throne room)
SpongeBob: How did we get here?!
Squidward: SpongeBob, LRH is using the book. It’s all an illusion, don’t believe anything around you! It’s pure psychological warfare.
SpongeBob: Okay, so then how do we get out?
Noseward: I’ve got some experience with these things. We need to find something that looks like an obvious way out! 
Squidward: What could that even be? 
Noseward: Well, we’re in the cult lodge right now. Or that’s what LRH wants us to believe! Why don’t we just go outside?
(Noseward goes to leave the lodge when all of a sudden, the Lodge roof bursts open as King Neptune arrives in a large booming thunder)
King Neptune: Why would I help YOU?!
Squidward: What?
King Neptune: Kid, I’m a GOD, I know quite a lot. Why, I should just put you on trial again. 
Krabs: How is he here?! Isn’t he dead?
Squidward: Krabs, were you paying any attention, man? It’s all in our minds! LRH must’ve seen that we met Neptune, and he’s using our memories of him against us. 
(Neptune grabs his trident and swings it at the cult, turning Krabs into a cloud of smoke that vanishes)
SpongeBob: Krabs!
(Squidward hits Neptune)
Neptune: Hey, that isn’t supposed to hurt!
(Neptune’s manifestation begins twisting and convulsing until it becomes half Neptune and half Satan)
Satan Half: DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME?
Neptune Half: I should put you on trial again. Kid, I’m a GOD.
Satan Half: This whole stunt was a little extreme, wouldn’t you agree? Kid, I’m a GOD.
Neptune Half: This is the sea, no?
Satan Half: Hey, that isn’t supposed to hurt!
Buff Jim: What the [dolphin noises]?!
(Suddenly, the two halves start fighting each other)
Buff Jim: I-I- I can’t take this!
(Buff Jim begins backing away from the fighting creatures and he drops to his knees and screams before he disappears; suddenly, everyone left is standing on a large elevated platform in a void of nothingness)
Squidward: What now?
LRH: (Echoey voice) In case it wasn’t obvious enough, I’m trying to shatter your sanity! And it’s working. 
Squidward: Why? Why don’t you just kill us?!
LRH: Because that would be too easy! I don’t want to kill you, I want to DESTROY you. 
(LRH begins to shrink the platform but Squidward and SpongeBob are able to restrain him)
LRH: What makes you think that I’m even real to begin with? 
Squidward: THESE DAMN ILLUSIONS! WHEN WILL THEY END?
(LRH laughs, Squidward quickly grabs his scepter and snaps it in half over his leg)
LRH: What?! NO!
(LRH backs away as the illusion breaks down and Squidward, SpongeBob, Noseward, Plankton, and Squilliam are revealed to be standing in the same hallway they started in, LRH standing before them clutching onto his broken scepter) 
LRH: I don’t need the scepter to beat you! I’ll destroy you with my bare hands! 
(LRH runs at Squidward who pushes him back)
Squidward: Without your source power, you’re such a joke! 
LRH: I’m NOT a joke. You’ll see, I’ll MAKE you all see. 
(Phoenix guards fill the room)
LRH: Kill them, now. 
(The guards all aim weapons and begin shooting at everyone in the room; Squidward and SpongeBob duck, but Squilliam is shot until he falls over and vanishes in orange smoke)
Squidward: What?! This still isn’t over?
LRH: It’s never over, and I’m never going to let you out. How do you know what’s real and what’s not Squidward? How do you know anything you’ve ever done is real to begin with? How do you know you actually WON the Atlantis war? How do you know you haven’t always been my prisoner?
Squidward: No, that can’t be true, we won, I met Satan, I- what did I do next? Why can’t I remember what- what happened?
(LRH grins menacingly and the screen suddenly cuts to black. The camera fades in on Squidward and Noseward sharing a prison cell)
Squidward: This brings back memories… Agonizing, painful memories of being locked in Neptune’s dungeon after - well, you don’t remember any of that, but it was painful and agonizing.
Noseward: I can imagine, Neptune was pretty pissed off at you.
Squidward: If only we could summon Neptune.
Noseward: Can’t we?
(Squidward looks around for a second, confused, then looks back at Noseward)
Noseward: Uh, can’t we? 
Squidward: Sorry about that, no we can’t, he’s dead, remember? But if he was alive… He could take down Phoenix in a heartbeat. I can’t believe we lived to see the death of a God at the hands of the Devil.
Noseward: That’s far from the craziest thing we’ve ever seen.
(The camera zooms out and shows a line of prison cells; Plankton is with SpongeBob; LRH walks into the prison hall and struts up to Squidward’s cage)
Squidward: What do you want now? You captured us, wasn’t that enough for you? 
(Suddenly Squidward gasps as he frantically looks around the room; LRH chuckles)
LRH: Seems familiar, doesn’t it?
Squidward: Sort of, but I don’t know where it's from. Deja Vu.
(LRH grins at Squidward)
Noseward: Uh, hey Squidward, who are you talking to? 
Squidward: What? What do you mean? LRH, he’s right in front of us!
Noseward: No he isn’t, he’s over by Jerry!
(The camera zooms out and shows LRH standing in front of Jerry’s cage, talking to him; Squidward’s eye twitches)
Squidward: Jerry’s back? How is he back? Wait, who’s Jerry? Why can’t I remember?  
(Squidward starts hyperventilating)
Squidward: WHAT IS THIS HELL?! IS ANYTHING I REMEMBER REAL?!
(Squidward falls to his knees and holds his head as he screams)
Noseward: Squidward, calm down! Are you okay? Can I do anything? 
Squidward: Noseward, are you real? Is anything we’ve done real?
Noseward: I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s all real. Isn’t that right, Security? 
Security: It is, I’m so glad that I came out of that coma just in time to take down Lord Royal Highness once and for all.
Squidward: Security? You’re-
(Security’s face begins to melt)
Security: I’m what? 
(Security pushes the melted portion of his face back into place and it reforms, only to start melting again)
Security: Oh yeah, that’s right. 
Squidward: Noseward, don’t you remember? How is he here? None of this is real, right?
Security: Squidward, I think you need to calm down. 
Plankton: (yelling across the room) YEAH SQUIDWARD! YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN! 
Noseward: Squidward, just breathe, calm down, and it’ll all be over soon! 
Squidward: What?! What’s going to be over? Why is everyone here telling me to calm down? I’m calm! 
(Squidward looks at Security, who is gone and replaced with himself in his Krusty Krab uniform)
Other Squidward: Hey pal, long time no see. 
Squidward: You’re me from the past?
Other Squidward: Naturally observant, aren’t we?
Squidward: What are you doing here?
Other Squidward: Don’t really know, don’t really care. 
Squidward: That’s right, you had no drive. 
Other Squidward: Is this what we become? We really didn’t just stay at that minimum wage job? I mean yeah, it sucked, but we didn’t need anything more. 
Squidward: Of course we did! 
Other Squidward: But how did we get HERE? Locked in prison? What is this place anyways?
Squidward: That’s a very long story. Remember the Cephalopod Lodge? 
Other Squidward: Did we successfully take over?
Squidward: We did. But the moral cost was too high, so now we’re trying to make things right again. 
Other Squidward: But we did all that damage. What stopped us? Why didn’t we just continue?
(The other Squidward is now wearing the classic cult robes, with a gold trim outlining them)
Other Squidward: Wasn’t it worth it? All of the power we had, all the people we killed to get that power, you’re going to tell me that it wasn’t all worth it? We owned Bikini Bottom! We were going to take it ALL. 
Squidward: But we didn’t. We chose not to because we didn’t like all that power, we didn’t like where it was leading us. Hundreds of thousands died for us to get that power, and that weighs on us every single day. 
Other Squidward: Oh please, you’re such a liar. 
Squidward: So are you. 
Other Squidward: I’M YOU! I’m everything you could’ve and should’ve been! But instead you gave all of this up to play hero!
Squidward: I’m not playing hero- I’m- I’m just trying to make things right. That’s all I want now, to make things right. 
(The other Squidward kicks Squidward in the stomach)
Other Squidward: Then you’re weak! You’ve become everything we hated!
Squidward: No, you’ve always been everything we hated. You gave into our worst, most selfish impulses. There’s a reason you’re the illusion here.
Other Squidward: I’m not an illusion, I’m YOU. I’M YOU!
(The other Squidward disappears and Squidward is left totally alone floating in a dark void)
Squidward: WHAT NOW?! Hello?
LRH: (disembodied voice) Have you had enough yet? Why won’t you just quit?
Squidward: What have you been doing to me? Where am I?
LRH: Do you really want to know that answer? How do you know it won’t be another trick?
Squidward: I don’t care anymore, throw your worst at me, I’ll beat it every single time.
LRH: Your willpower is proving to be an issue. Maybe I’ll just remove your frontal lobe so you LISTEN. 
(The dark void lights up as Squidward is suddenly sitting on the floor of the Rebirth Chamber)
Squidward: (Breathing heavily) Oh, god damnit. What now? Why are we back here? Has this all been in here? 
LRH: We never left. This is real. 
(LRH motions for a guard to open the door and Noseward, Krabs, SpongeBob, Squilliam, Plankton, Jerry, and Buff Jim all enter the room, eyes glowing orange)
LRH: As soon as your attack failed a few minutes ago, we brought you all here. 
Squidward: Wait, it’s only been a few minutes since we got here?
LRH: It has. The rebirth process has a way of making you lose all sense of time, and all sense of self. They all broke ages ago, I didn’t need to do much pushing there. Well, Noseward and Jerry were a bit of a problem. But the rebirth commenced anyways. 
Squidward: Rebirth? Did you say Rebirth?
LRH: I Rebirthed all your friends by whittling away their sanity until they snapped and let me gain all control of their mind. But you just had to be stubborn… You just had to resist. And do you know what we do to people who resist? 
(Squidward just stares)
LRH: WE SLAUGHTER THEM.
(The guards all poise their weapons at Squidward, but LRH motions for them to drop their weapons)
LRH: No, no. Let me do the honors.
(LRH slowly walks to Squidward, before holding up his scepter to his chest and a shield in the other hand)
LRH: I am going to enjoy every second of this. 
(LRH throws Squidward a sword and a shield)
Squidward: What’s this for?
LRH: It’s customary. When two warriors would battle in Atlantis, before the fall, they’d face off in a duel. 
Squidward: And you’re giving me this option, why?
LRH: Just so I can remind you one last time before you die, that you’ve always been powerless to do anything against me. Pick up your sword, this is the last thing you’ll ever do. 
(Squidward begrudgingly picks up the sword and shield, the reborn cultists begin to laugh at him)
LRH: Ready yourself, Squidward! 
(Squidward stands up, sword and shield in hand, shaking but ready to fight)
Squidward: Quit talking, let’s just get this over with.
(LRH swings his scepter at Squidward, knocking him back to the ground. Squidward stands up)
Squidward: That all you got?
LRH: I’m so glad you asked. 
(LRH throws his shield at Squidward, then as it hits him, he hits it with his scepter causing it to slam Squidward into the wall; the other reborn cultists continue to laugh)
SpongeBob: Look at him, he can’t even stand up right!
Plankton: He’s such an idiot! 
(LRH holds Squidward to the ground with the sharp end of his scepter, and begins pushing it into slowly his chest) 
LRH: That was an absolutely pathetic display. Almost makes me feel bad for killing you. But almost isn’t enough. Any last words, Brother Squidward? 
Squidward: What do you plan to do next?
LRH: You won’t be alive to-
(As LRH is speaking, Squidward quickly drops his shield and grabs the scepter away from LRH with his metal arm)
Squidward: You really shouldn’t talk so much. 
(Squidward swings at the scepter with his sword, slicing it in half; there’s a small explosion similar to the mine, blasting LRH backwards as more blue explosions begin filling the room, forcing everyone to run out into the hallway; as they get out into the hallway, SpongeBob and Noseward’s eyes turn back to their normal colors)
Noseward: What the [dolphin noises] HAPPENED?!
Squidward: Long story short, you’ve been under LRH’s control for a few minutes. 
Noseward: How did you break his control?
Squidward: I broke his favorite toy. 
(An explosion sends LRH flying out into the hallway. Enraged, he stands up and grabs at a sword 
laying nearby)
LRH: YOU SAVAGE BRUTE! HAVE YOU NO HONOR?
Squidward: Next time you try controlling someone’s mind, don’t tell them where your power comes from!
LRH: WHAT?!
Squidward: You told me in my mind that your scepter was where your power came from. 
(LRH breathes heavily and angrily before charging at Squidward with his sword; Squidward jumps out the way as LRH slashes it and falls over; he stands up and growls)
LRH: GUARDS! KILL HIM AT ONCE. SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM UNTIL THERE’S NO MORE BLOOD LEFT IN HIS BODY!
(The Guards walk in the room, but as they do, their orange, glowing eyes start returning to normal color as they fall to the floor)
LRH: WHAT THE HELL!?
Squidward: The Rebirth - it’s… It’s REVERSING!
(The Guards stand up and rub their heads as the Cult begin returning to normal as well)
Crayons: WHERE AM I?! WHAT HAPPENED?!
Plankton: Squidward… Are you okay?
(The Cult all look at Squidward standing in front of LRH and rush next to him)
Crayons: SQUIDWARD! WE GOT THIS! WE CAN BEAT HIM!
LRH: GUARDS! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM NOW!
(The Guards all confusedly look around before they stare at LRH)
Guard 1: YOU! YOU TOOK OVER MY MIND AND MADE ME DO YOUR DIRTYWORK! THE LAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN PURE TORTURE, I WASN’T IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS!
Guard 2: Every second serving you was pure agony! I wanted to die, but couldn’t!
(The Guards all angrily walk towards LRH as he holds his sword up)
LRH: DON’T WASTE MY TIME.
(LRH stabs each of the guards in the chest in brutal fashion before he turns around to face the Cult)
LRH: You think I won’t be able to kill all of you myself? I am the best warrior in Atlantis! I can kill all of you without a sweat!
(Cut to the outside of LRH’s castle, where we see the town go about their day until their eyes all stop glowing orange and they fall to the floor)
Citizen: I’m FREE! I’M FREE!!
Citizen 2: LRH CAN’T CONTROL MY MIND ANYMORE! I AM MY OWN PERSON AGAIN!
Citizen: I suppose it’s time we SHOW LRH WE’RE NOT HIS SLAVES! 
(The citizens all cheer in agreement before they slowly begin marching towards the Castle; cut back inside, with LRH holding a sword to the Cult)
LRH: You have no weapons, no shields, nothing. You’re really as stupid as I assumed. No wonder rebirthing you was so easy! YOU’RE JUST WEAK! YOU ARE ANTS TO ME! And now it’s time to do… WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE FROM THE VERY [dolphin chirp] BEGINNING!
(Cut to the outside of the castle, where the mob of citizens attempt to enter but the door won’t budge)
Citizen: IT’S NOT OPENING! 
Citizen 2: USE FORCE! RAM IT OPEN!
(The citizens once again cheer in agreement as they all begin slamming into the side of the door; cut back inside to LRH raising his sword at the Cult, ready to kill them, when they hear the sound of bashing outside)
LRH: What the Hell is going on outdoors?!
(Large holes begin appearing in the walls as the Bikini Bottomites are forcing their way into the palace)
Squidward: It’s the consequences of your [dolphin noises] ACTIONS.
LRH: No no NO! Not here, NOT NOW! NOT AFTER EVERYTHING! 
(LRH drives his sword into Squidward’s abdomen)
LRH: IF I’M GOING DOWN THEN I’M TAKING ALL OF YOU WITH ME TO THE DARKEST PITS OF HELL! 
Squidward: (strained) I’ve been to hell, doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. 
(Citizens and guards begin to fill the room, throwing rocks at LRH) 
LRH: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING!? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALL THE GOOD THAT PROJECT PHOENIX GAVE YOU!? WE FREED YOUR SIMPLE MINDS! YOU HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! NOTHING!
Citizen: We have freewill without you, Lord Royal Highness. 
LRH: I’M GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOU WITH ME THEN!
(LRH pulls an alpha crystal out of his pocket, but before he can make use of it, the mob of angry citizens rush into the palace and begin swarming LRH as he laughs maniacally)
Noseward: They’re angrier at him than they were at us!
(Noseward looks at Squidward and sees him laying on the ground, the sword still in his abdomen, with him being unable to move)
Crayons: Squidward! I’ll get you out of here! Come on guys, help me out here!
(Crayons, Noseward, SpongeBob, and Krabs go to Squidward; Plankton, Jerry, Squilliam, and Buff Jim go join the mob of angry citizens) 
Plankton: WE SHOULD KILL HIM!
Jerry: No, no! Let’s be rational about this! If we kill him, then he doesn’t actually pay for everything he’s done!
Citizen: Let’s imprison him! 
(The citizens all cheer in agreement as they continue swarming LRH)
LRH: YOU WEAKLINGS! CAN’T STAND THE THOUGHT OF KILLING A MAN?
Jerry: Death would be a mercy for you. (switches voices) I, Komrade Krab say that you should be sent to the GULAG! 
LRH: You think I’m scared of that?! I’ll get out in no time, you’ll-
(Jerry punches LRH square in the face, knocking him unconscious) 
Jerry: You really need to learn when to shut the hell up. 
(Jerry picks up LRH and the mob walks off with him; cut back to Squidward )
SpongeBob: Squidward, you’ve been hurt pretty bad, but you’re going to be okay! 
Squidward: (incredibly strained) seeing as I- can’t really- move, I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But if I die, I die happy knowing I succeeded.
Noseward: But you’re not going to die, we’re going to save you. We have to, we can’t do this without you!!
(We see from Squidward’s POV; the world around him is blurry and faint, the voices speaking to him are drowned out by a loud ringing noise, as Squidward’s eyes close and the episode ends in blackness)
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