Episode 414: Liza Minnelli/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 414: Liza Minnelli.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Liza Minnelli? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Liza.
Liza 	(doing her make-up) Oh, thank you, Scooter.
 	Scooter suddenly starts gasping and stumbles toward the table, revealing a dagger in his back. He collapses on the table.
 	
Liza 	Scooter... that was a great rehearsal!
Scooter	(springing up) Ya' think so?
Liza 	Yeah, let's do the show!
Scooter	Okay. (both laugh)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Liza Minnelli! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
Statler	(to the audience below) Run for your lives!
Waldorf	This show is murder! (Statler laughs)
 	
 	Gonzo plays a frilly fanfare.
Gonzo 	That's my new, hit single. (nods)
==Murder Mystery==
 	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Our guest star tonight is one of the few ladies on Earth who deserve the title "superstar," Miss Liza Minnelli. And, on top of that, we're going to do a very different show tonight. Matter of fact, it's so different, I have to go backstage and get ready for it. Uh, Scooter? Would you come in and take over for me?
 	
 	Scooter enters, gasping for breath, still with the knife in his back. He falls over.
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter? (Scooter rises) Would you stop rehearsing? It's time to start the play.
Scooter	Oh, yeah. Sorry, chief. (Kermit exits) Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Muppet Players hereby present an evening of intrigue and mystery. Let the murders begin...
 	The curtains open on an empty, New York City office at night. Kermit narrates as he approaches his office, KERMIT THE FROG - PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. He matches his eye with the mark on the door as he enters.
Kermit 	(narrating) It was Wednesday evening in July. Somewhere in the city, a lonely trumpet was playing. It was the kind of a New York summer night when you expect to see lily pads growing on Broadway. I was just stopping by the office for a quick root beer and browse through the paper work 'cause I had just finished a missing pollywog case. Being a private eye isn't much of a job if you like class, which is why a visitor surprised me.
 	The door knocks.
Kermit 	Come in.
 	Liza O'Shaughnessy, played by Minnelli, enters the office, dressed very elegantly.
Liza 	Excuse me. But, are you Kermit the private eye?
 	
Kermit 	Just like it says on the door, sweetheart.
Liza 	Oh, good. Oh, I'm Liza O'Shaughnessy, the actress. Perhaps you've heard of me.
Kermit 	I know the face from the papers and the name from the marquee, toots. Opening a show at the Roxy tomorrow, right?
Liza 	Yes. (laughs nervously) No, I... aw, that's just it, I don't know. You have no idea, you have no idea what...what a living nightmare I've been through! The dread, the terror!
Kermit 	Try to relax, cute stuff. Sit down and tell me about it.
 	
Liza 	Okay. (sits down at Kermit's desk and rummages through her purse) Well, I got to my dressing room this morning and I found this note.
Kermit 	Uh, "Close down the show. If you try to open, you will all die." Where'd you find it?
Liza 	Oh, it was ghastly. It was pinned to my dresser.
Kermit 	So, what's so ghastly?
Liza 	(produces a dagger) Well, it was pinned with this and my dresser's name was Gladys!
Kermit 	Uh, it is all starting to get ghastly.
Liza 	(whimpers)
Kermit 	But, don't worry, sweet lips. I can handle it.
Liza 	Oh, I'm sure you can, Mr. Frog. I place myself entirely in your... in your flippers. (takes his hand)
=="Copacabana"==
 	Dissolve to the Majestic Theatre, where the Muppet cast rehearsals and mills around setting up. Rowlf plays piano as Miss Piggy practices her scales.
Stagehand 	(off-screen) Uh, listen. Who put the lights over here? Where do you want the scenery.
Kermit 	(narrating) The Majestic Theatre looked like any theater the day before opening. While Liza went to change for rehearsal, I just hung around backstage, trying not to be conspicuous.
 	Kermit bumps into a box covered with props, knocking it over with a crash. This attracts the attention of director Fritz, played by Julius Strangepork.
Strangepork	QUIET!!! Quiet! Who let that frog in here?!
 	Kermit exits, sheepish.
Strangepork	Okay. (into megaphone) Let down the white drapes! We're gonna rehearse the first act finale, Liza's number.
 	Kermit waits in the wings, where Beauregard yells from.
Beauregard 	Ms. O'Shaughnessy's not quite ready yet, Fritz!
Strangepork	Okay. Ve'll do vith her undershtudy then.
Piggy 	(off-screen) FRITZ! (enters) I will not walk through some dumb rehearsal. You promised me I would star in this turkey!
 	
 	Scooter has joined Kermit and Beauregard in the wings.
Kermit 	(to Scooter) Uh, let me get this straight, she is Liza O'Shaughnessy's understudy?
Scooter 	Oh, uh, they're not exactly the same type.
Kermit 	They're not exactly the same species!
 	
 	Liza enters, make-up kit in hand.
Liza 	Fri...oh, excuse me, Miss..uh...uh...dear.
 	Piggy laughs sarcastically and storms off.
Liza 	Fritz, darling, I'm ready for rehearsal.
Strangepork	Oh, good. Now, remember this is your big moment. Here, I vant the shpark. The moment of magic, the raw, unbridled passion! You know vhat I vant?
Liza 	Yeah - smile and show my legs. (exits)
Strangepork	There goes a pro. Okay, everybody ready! It's all yours, Liza! Curtain!
 	
 	Liza and the Muppets perform an elaborate production number, "Copacabana."
=="Great Day"==
 	Backstage, the Muppet cast applauds as Liza enters the room and taps Zoot on the shoulder.
Zoot 	Yeah?
Liza 	Zoot?
Zoot 	Yeah.
Liza 	What'cha think?
Zoot 	Oh, you were fan-sca-diddly-bop-tastic!
Liza 	Oh, I'm so glad you liked it.
 	
Zoot 	Oh, you're too good to be a person. You shoulda been a saxophone!
Liza 	Does that mean I'm your... sax symbol?
Zoot 	(wipes brow) Whatever.
Strangepork	(entering) A vonderful rehearsal! Oh, vonderful, Ms. O'Shaughnessy! Okay, everybody - take three!
 	Kermit approaches Fritz as the cast disperses.
Kermit 	Uh, "take three?" Uh, Fritz, you run a tight ship.
Strangepork	I repeat - who let this frog in here?!
 	
 	A hand peers out from behind a plant and fires a gun toward Fritz.
Strangepork	(moans of pain) Oink! (collapses on desk)
Kermit 	Uh, I'm afraid he's...
 	
 	Fritz regains life briefly, only to moan some more and drop dead on the floor.
Kermit 	He's dead.
Janice 	(gaps) Oooo, like, now the show will never go on!
 	Gonzo rushes in. Music starts as he speaks and a small crowd gathers.
Gonzo 	What are you people saying?! Fritz was a man of the theatre! He died trying to turn the greasepaint and tinsel into magic! Why, this show could be his final tribute! Fritz would've wanted it this way.
 	Gonzo proceeds to sing a verse of "Great Day."
Gonzo 	C'mon, onstage everybody! Oop, don't step on Fritz!
 	
 	The cast make their way to the stage, dressed as angels in heaven. Gonzo, as Gabriel, blows his horn as the cast sings the rest of the song and Fritz rises to the world above.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit watches from backstage, shaking his head as the cast returns from the stage.
Kermit 	(narrating) I'll never understand show people. A murder is committed and they go out and sing. And to make things worse, the police assigned Patrolman Bear to the case.
 	
Fozzie 	Patrolman Bear reporting for duty, sir!
Kermit 	I thought you were on slug detail at the laundromat. (laughs with the cast)
Fozzie 	Uh, sir. I am going to ask these people some questions.
Kermit 	Okay, just be subtle.
Fozzie 	(playfully taps Kermit) Gotcha. All right, which one of you killed the director?!
Muppets	(simultaneously) Not me!
Fozzie 	Well, they're all in the clear, sir.
 	
 	Kermit grimaces as Scooter hops in.
Scooter	They're lying! They all hated him!
Kermit 	Huh?
Fozzie 	What do you mean?
Scooter	Miss Piggy hated him because he made her the understudy. She thought she should've been the star! The band hated him because they hadn't been payed for three weeks!
Kermit 	Hey, you seem to know a lot about these people, kid. Do you know which one is the killer?
Scooter	I sure do!
Fozzie 	You do?! Wha-ha-wha-who?!
Scooter	The murderer is-
 	
 	Scooter begins gagging and collapses on the table, a knife stuck in his back.
Fozzie 	Oh! He's dead!
Gonzo 	(singing) When you're down and out-
Muppets	(all together) Oh, shut up!
Liza 	(off-screen) Kermit!
 	
 	Kermit approaches Liza, standing outside her dressing room door.
Liza 	Kermit, c'mere! Kermit, the murderer is in that dressing room! All I saw was a hand throw a knife. Ooo, it was awful.
Kermit 	Well, that may be just the clue we need, sweetheart. I'm gonna go in there and catch us a murderer.
Liza 	Kermit...
Kermit 	Hmm?
Liza 	Be careful.
Kermit 	Ha-ha.
 	He hops off, as Liza reacts shocked to the camera.
==Dressing room==
 	Kermit enters the darkened dressing room, as an eerie score plays. He shuts the door and checks the surroundings.
Kermit	(narrating) Though I've done it many times before in my line of work, whenever I enter a darkened room, I still get chills...
 	Kermit trips over an object and falls down. He rises, grimacing.
Kermit	(narrating) ...and a few contusions. And it's not only the darkness that's scary - there's that weird music they always play. But, there's one thing about darkness - although I can't see my enemy, my enemy can't see me.
 	
 	Kermit gasps as he's caught in the beam of a flashlight.
Kermit	Unless he's got a flashlight.
 	A sledgehammer knocks him out.
==UK spot==
 	Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are assembled on the bare stage.
Janice 	Like, wow. Is there rully any point in rehearsing this?
Floyd 	Aw, c'mon, mama. You know what they say - they show must go on!
Animal 	Go on! Go on!
Janice 	Yeah, but it's rull hard to go on if we're all dead.
Animal 	Dead! Dead!
Janice 	Oooo, please. I'd rather rehearse than listen to that.
Floyd 	Good. Here's the singing group. Let's run this little beauty.
Janice 	Hmm.
Dr. Teeth	Okay. Hit it, Animal!
 	
 	A quartet of dogs enter and sing "Pass That Piece Pipe." As they near the end of the song, the murderer sends tomahawks and arrows toward them, killing them off one by one.
 	
 	Animal laughs, when a hatchet is thrown into his head.
Animal 	(laughs) Me alive! Fine!
==Dressing room==
 	
 	Liza enters the darkened dressing room. She turns on the lights and finds Kermit, laying unconscious on the table. She rushes to his aid and takes him in her arms.
Liza 	Kermit. Kermit! Oh, Kermit, my poor fallen frog! Speak to me, say something!
Kermit	(moaning) Is that you, Ms. O'Shaughnessy?
Liza 	Oh, Kermit. Thank goodness you're all right. Oh, you scared me to death. (crouching down with Kermit in her lap) Come over here. For a minute, I thought you'd croaked.
Kermit	We-well, I tried to, but I was too weak. No, somebody slugged me.
Liza 	They did?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Liza 	(inspecting his head) Oh, they did indeed. My goodness, you've got a nasty bump back here. Let me rub it. Does it hurt?
Kermit	(moans) Uh, just when you rub it.
Liza 	Oh, I'm sorry.
Kermit	Oh, Liza. Ya' know, I-I'm not getting anywhere with your case. Maybe you should get somebody else.
Liza 	Wait a minute. What are you talkin' about, Kermit? I don't want anybody else, I want you - you're my main frog.
Kermit	Yeah, but I-I thought I'd have it solved by now. I-I thought I'd be a big hero and there'd be triumphant celebration and all.
Liza 	Hold it. Wait a minute.
Kermit	Hmm?
Liza 	Listen to me. I wanna tell you something. When you solve this case...
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Liza 	...and you're going to solve it...
Kermit	Yeah?
Liza 	...you'll be so happy, you won't...well, you won't need any celebration. You won't need anything.
Kermit	Huh?
Liza 	No, no. Come here and listen. (pulls Kermit closer)
Kermit	What?
 	
 	Liza sings "A Quiet Thing" to Kermit, who eventually joins in. As they draw to a close, they check their surroundings for the murderer, then finish the song. Suddenly, a corpse, with a knife in his back, falls out of the closet.
Liza 	(to the camera) Nobody listens to lyrics anymore.
==Canteen==
 	The scene dissolves to the canteen, where Patrol Bear continues his investigation amid other Muppets, penguins and chickens.
Kermit 	(narrating) Meanwhile, down in the canteen...
Fozzie 	(to Lew Zealand) All right, do you have an alibi?
Lew 	I have a halibut.
 	
Fozzie 	No, no, an alibi. You know, somebody who can say where you were.
Lew 	Yeah, a halibut! (produces a fish) He was with me all day! (begins choking) AH! Poison! (collapses)
Fozzie 	This man was murdered to shut him up!
Bunsen 	No he wasn't! He choked on a fish bone!
Fozzie 	But, he yelled, "Poison!"
Bunsen 	Which I believe is the French word for "fish!"
 	Bunsen begins to choke as well and dies. Beaker and the rest of the patrons keel over as well.
Fozzie 	Wait! It must be the food!
Swedish Chef	No, no, no! Is a good-a soup-a!
 	The Swedish Chef takes a taste of the food, shouts in disgust and falls over into the dishes.
Fozzie 	KERMIT! (runs out)
 	
 	Gonzo swoops in, still in costume.
Gonzo 	(singing)
When you're down and out
Pick up... I know, "shut up."
=="Everything's Coming Up Roses"==
 	Kermit and Liza approach the stage together.
Kermit 	Okay.
Liza 	What?
Kermit 	Now, now you got the plan?
Liza 	Yes, I've got the plan. But, Kermit, how can you be certain this is gonna work?
Kermit 	You gotta trust me, kid.
Liza 	Yeah...
Kermit 	Now, you know what to do?
Liza 	Of course - smile and show my legs.
Kermit 	No, no, no, that was the other guy!
Liza 	Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, sorry.
Kermit 	Yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Liza 	Yes, trust me. I know what to do.
Kermit 	Okay, okay. Here we go. (clears throat) You just take a seat over there.
 	
 	Kermit has gathered the remaining cast members on the stage. Liza sits on a nearby stool.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, boys and girls! Uh, ladies and gentlemen!
Fozzie 	(off-screen) KERMIT! (enters)
Kermit 	Uh, uh, Fozzie...Fozzie, don't worry. Just sit down. All will be revealed.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir.
Kermit 	Uh, now, you may be wondering why I've called you all together. Well, the fact is Ms. O'Shaughnessy has discovered the identity of the murderer!
Muppets 	(all gasp)
Liza 	Yes, it's true. It's a secret, though. I haven't even told Kermit. I know who committed these dastardly, cold-blooded, heinous crimes, these murders! I hereby accuse-
 	The lights suddenly go out. Piggy and the others scream as gunfire is heard.
Kermit 	What happened?! Hey! Somebody turn on the lights!
 	The lights come back on, revealing Liza with a knife in her chest.
Floyd 	Oh no, it's Liza!
Liza 	Oh, my nerves!
 	
 	Liza hammily stumbles around the set, moaning in pain, as the piano plays "Copacabana." She eventually grabs some flowers and falls onto a table.
Liza 	(gasping) Kermit! Kermit, the final curtain has fallen. I've played my last role. Good night, sweet prince. Hello, Death.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, somebody call a doctor!
Liza 	Too late, green buddy. Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to...to...
Kermit 	Herald Square?
Liza 	No, forget him. Herald's really square. Mmm, buh-bye! (passes out)
 	Statler and Waldorf rush onto the stage.
Statler 	Oh no, not Liza!
Waldorf 	We love Liza!
Statler 	Yeah, we didn't mean to bump her off!
Waldorf 	No, just the rest of you guys!
Muppets 	(all gasp)
 	Liza gets up from the table, haven faked her death.
Liza 	Ah-ha! I knew it! Scratch a critic and you get an assassin!
 	
Statler 	Then-then your death scene was a trick?!
Liza 	Well, after all, darling, I mean I am an actress.
Statler 	Bravo!
Waldorf 	Bravo!
Statler 	Yeah, best performance we've seen on this show in years! (both laugh)
Kermit 	Okay, Fozzie, take 'em away!
Fozzie 	Yes, sir! Okay, here we go! (pushes Statler and Waldorf away as they protest)
Kermit 	And throw the book at 'em!
Beauregard	Okay, sir! (throws a book in their direction as Floyd and Janice laugh and Miss Piggy takes to the camera)
Liza 	Oh, Kermit, congratulations. You did it!
Kermit 	No, we did it.
Liza 	...yeah.
Kermit 	Well, then I guess that's, I guess that's the end.
Liza 	Oh, oh, no, Kermit. Tha-that's not the end. (as she removes her robe) This is the end. Hit it!
 	
 	Liza begins singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses" as a garden set rolls in. The rest of the Muppet Players join in as the song builds to a close.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit, still in costume, comes onto the closing number set.
Kermit 	Okay, well, it's been a great show for us and-but before we go, I'd like to say what an honor it's been for this little, green frog to work with Miss Liza Minnelli! Yaaay!
 	Liza walks through the set and bows, then approaches Kermit.
Liza 	Oh, Kermit, thank you so much. I can't tell you what a thrill it's been being on your show tonight.
Kermit 	Oh, that's nice.
Liza 	And you know something else? I've always wanted to do a, you know, like, a murder mystery like we did. (brandishes a knife) Oh, by the way, can I keep this, uh, trick knife as a souvenir?
Kermit 	A trick knife?
Liza 	Yeah, it's-it's only a prop, see?
 	
 	Liza plunges the knife into Kermit's chest. He screams in pain, as the other Muppets rush in.
Liza 	Ah, Kermit!
Gonzo 	What'cha do?!
Strangepork	(something like "Hit the frog!" or anything)
Kermit 	I was only kidding! (chuckles, as the rest groan) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Gonzo 	Oh, stab me! Stab me!
 	The closing theme begins.
 	
 	Statler and Waldorf are seen in striped jumpsuits, their theater box turned into a jail cell.
Statler 	How long are we here for?
Waldorf 	Twenty years.
Statler 	If I'd know that judge was givin' us the box, I'd have asked for the chair! (both laugh)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts