Episode 521: Johnny Cash/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 521: Johnny Cash.
==Cold open==
 	Pops fiddles with a transistor radio, but only gets static.
Pops 	Aw, drat this thing! Never works. I'm gonna miss my favorite program.
 	He puts his ear to the radio as Johnny enters.
Johnny	Hi, Pops.
Pops 	(perks up) Who's that?
Johnny	I'm Johnny Cash. I sing and play a little guitar.
Pops 	(excited) How about that! Johnny Cash is on the radio!
 	
Johnny	I'm not on the radio.
Pops 	What? I can't hear ya!
Johnny	Why don't you turn the volume up?
Pops 	Oh, okay!
Johnny	(into Pops' ear) Can you hear better now?
Pops 	Yeah! It's like he's right here in the room with me!
 	Johnny grins and shrugs.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Johnny Cash! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	A duck bites Gonzo on the nose.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a cowboy outfit.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and how-DEE! (chuckles) Tonight, The Muppet Show goes country-western, and our guest star is the king of country-western music, Mr. Johnny Cash! (audience aahs) Yes! And as an added surprise, the show is going to be broadcast live over radio station WHOG.
 	A bell is heard, and Kermit is surrounded by the WHOG singers.
 	
WHOG singers	(harmonizing)
W… (H…) (O…) (G…)!
Love us like an old hound dog,
We're country radio!
W… (H…) (O…) (G…)!
Kermit 	Uh, why are you guys doing that? We're not even broadcasting yet.
WHOG singers	(harmonizing) We're just rehearsing.
Kermit 	(shoos them away) Off, off, off. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
Billy Boy 	Uh, uh, uh, 'scuse me?
Kermit 	What?
 	
Billy Boy 	Just fixin' to check the sound.
Kermit 	Huh?
Billy Boy 	(into microphone) Testing! 1-2, A Boy Named Sue! 3-4, there ain't no more! (guffaws)
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. Terrific. Now can I start the show?
Billy Boy 	Oh, you can't start. We ain't broadcasting yet.
Kermit 	Well, I can't help that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, before our radio broadcast actually begins, here's a great country group. They used to be enemies, but uh, well, I'll let 'em tell their own story, so here they are, the Martins and the Coys! Yaaaayy!
 	Open on a barn. A group of hillbillies sing "The Martins and the Coys", but the song ends abruptly with a violent gunfight.
 	
 	One hillbilly aims from the balcony.
Lead singer 	You all right, Jake?
 	The hillbilly fires at the stage.
Hillbilly 	(to Statler) I can really bushwhack 'em from up here!
Waldorf 	Are you a Martin or a Coy?
Hillbilly 	Neither one. I'm a music lover.
 	Statler and Waldorf laugh. The hillbilly fires again and laughs.
==Backstage==
 	More shots are fired backstage as the hillbillies walk by. Kermit is now sans costume.
Kermit 	No shooting in the theater! … No fighting in the theater, either!
Billy Boy 	Hey, that opening number bombed.
Kermit 	Well, no bombing in the theater!
 	
 	BOOM! A bomb explodes right behind him. Billy yelps.
Kermit 	Uh, now listen. Uh, what's all this stuff doing on my desk?
Billy Boy 	Well, Mr. Frog, you said we could broadcast from y'all's the-ater.
Kermit 	I said you could put a microphone on the stage! Eesh! (through the intercom) Now, Fozzie Bear on next! Fozzie Bear!
Billy Boy 	Well, you see, your microphone, it feeds into your preamp here, then you got your mixin' board and your patch panels.
Kermit 	Yeah? Well, what's this wire here about?
 	Fozzie makes his way to the stage, but snags his neck on the wire and falls down.
Fozzie 	Hahahaha — WHOA!
Billy Boy 	About neck high.
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, are you okay?
Fozzie 	Uh, could you please postpone my act, Kermit? I got a little sore throat. (walks away)
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Uh, Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash on stage, please. Uh, now when are you gonna start this broadcast of yours?
Billy Boy 	Eh - whenever Big Tiny Tallsaddle gets here!
 	Tiny arrives, strumming an acoustic guitar.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Howdy, howdy, frogs and neighbors!
Billy Boy 	Here he is!
 	
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Big Tiny Tallsaddle here a-talkin' at'cha! Okay, Billy Boy, y'all saddle up! Let's climb aboard Ol' Paint n' get this here roundup a-goin'!
Billy Boy 	Oh, you betcha, Big Tiny!
Kermit 	Uh, translate for me. Does that mean you're about to broadcast?
Billy Boy 	Yeah!
Kermit 	Okay, I'll introduce Johnny Cash. (runs onstage)
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Who's that little green feller?
Billy Boy 	Well, I think he's called Gonzo the Frog.
=="Riders in the Sky"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay! And now it's time to introduce our very special guest, one of country-western music's all-time great stars, ladies and gentlemen, here he —
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Step aside there, Gonzo, this is the big time!
Billy Boy 	(hands him the microphone) You're on, Big Tiny!
 	A bell is heard, and the singers re-emerge.
 	
WHOG singers 	(harmonizing)
W… (H…) (O…) (G…)!
One to get ready,
Two to go,
On the Big Tiny Tallsaddle Show!
 	
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Yes sir! Thank you, thank you, howdy, friends and neighbors! This is Big Tiny Tallsaddle comin' at'cha from radio station W-H-O-G, W-HOG, where everybody has a swill time! And tonight we're broadcastin' live from … (to Kermit) what's the name of this theater?
Kermit 	(into the mic) Uh, this is the Muppet Theater, and this is —
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Yeah, right — from the Muffin Theater! Now let's kick things off with an old buddy o' mine, Mr. Johnny Cash!
Kermit 	Uh, Mr. Johnny Cash! Yaaaayy!
 	
 	Johnny sings "Riders in the Sky" while Gonzo runs around the stage as an outlaw.
Waldorf 	If men that ride horses are called cowboys, what do you call chickens that ride cows?
Statler 	Stupid!
 	They chuckle.
==Kermit vs. Tiny==
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Ah, thank you, thank you, Johnny Cash! Now that's what I call a real country classic.
Rowlf 	Uh, 'scuse me, I think I'm on next.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	You? Why, you're a dog!
Rowlf 	Yep, ever since I was a pup! (laughs)
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Go bury a bone.
Rowlf 	Huh?
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	GIT!
Rowlf 	(growls) Woof! (exits)
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	All right. (nods) And now, that great old-time country act, Grampaw McGuire and his Whistlin' Bricks!
 	Kermit approaches him, frowning.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	You're not Grampaw McGuire.
Kermit 	I sent him home. Listen, I'm the one that says what goes on and what doesn't go on on this show!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Let's have a big hand for this little feller — he's gonna show off his cham-peen ship style, that won him the Calaveras County Frog-Jumping Contest!
Kermit 	What? I — I am not! I have never been in any frog jumping contest in my life!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Billy Boy? You got them red-hot marbles?
Kermit 	What?
 	
Billy Boy 	Sure do, Big Tiny!
 	He pours them on the floor, next to Kermit. Kermit starts yelping and hopping offstage as music plays.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Let's hear it for the frog-jumpin' champ! Ha ha!
 	Kermit makes his way backstage.
Kermit 	Ooh! That Big Tiny Tallsaddle is driving me crazy! He won't even let me stay on my own stage!
Billy Boy 	Careful what you say about Big Tiny. (walks onstage)
Kermit 	I will not be careful! He makes me mad! He makes me angry!
 	
Johnny 	Kermit, why are you getting so angry?
Kermit 	Well, that Big Tiny Tallsaddle — I promised him he could do his radio show here, but he acts like he owns this theater.
Johnny 	Big Tiny Tallsaddle is as tough as a 25-cent steak.
Kermit 	He can't be that bad.
 	
 	A metallic sound is heard, and Billy Boy emerges with the microphone stand wrapped around him.
Billy Boy 	All I did was drop Big Tiny's gee-tar pick. (collapses)
Johnny 	It's gettin' worse.
==UK spot==
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	All right. And so the show goes on here at Mighty Hog Radio.
 	A bell is heard, and the singers re-emerge.
 	
WHOG singers 	(harmonizing)
For that finger-lickin' country sound,
Out in the boonies and far around, 
It's W… (H…) (O…) (G…)!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	All right. What's next?
Kermit 	Uh, Lew Zealand and the Gills Brothers.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	(waves the microphone at him) Yeah, well, they'd better be good, Frog. I got plenty of these microphone stands left, you know. (exits)
Kermit 	Y-yeah, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Lew Zealand! YAAAAYY!
 	The curtain opens on Lew.
Lew Zealand 	
Sometimes I do what I wanna.
Heh — sometimes I do what I ought.
Sometimes I feel a great notion
To jump in a net and get caught!
Everybody!
 	
Lew & Gills 	
Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine, goodnight, Sardine,
I'll see you in my stream.
Lew Zealand 	
Last Saturday night I got married.
Didn't even let Mom and Dad know.
But my soulmate got hooked on an earthworm,
And all I've got left is shallow.
Oh, stop foundering! Stop your floundering!
Oh, you need a new porpoise in life! Heh heh!
Don't do what that sturgeon is urgin'!
Go home to your swell-fish wife! Oh! So —
Lew & Gills 	
Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine, goodnight, Sardine,
I'll see you in my stream.
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	Poor soul. He lost his sardine.
Statler 	Well, finders kippers.
 	They chuckle.
=="Dirty Old Egg Sucking Dog"==
 	Rowlf sits at a piano.
Rowlf 	Okay, well, moving right along with our evening of country-western music, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Mr. Johnny Cash! Yeah!
 	Applause as Johnny emerges with a guitar and sits on the stool.
Johnny 	Thank you. Thank you very much. (nods) Thank you. I'd like to make a special dedication now. I would like to do a song especially for Big Tiny Tallsaddle. (smiles) It's his favorite song, and it goes something like this.
Rowlf 	Yeah, 'scuse me, John, but uh, can I play the piano on this song?
Johnny 	Well, I really don't think I need an accompanist on this song, thank you.
Rowlf 	Oh, that's okay, that — that's what I'm here for. What are you gonna sing?
Johnny 	Well, I don't think — I don't think you know this song.
Rowlf 	Well, what key is it in?
Johnny 	Well, it's in A-flat.
Rowlf 	Okay, well, just give me an A and I'll flatten it myself. (laughs)
 	They begin playing.
 	
Rowlf 	You just sing, and I'm gonna follow right along.
Johnny 	Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Rowlf 	Okay. Just jump in any time, now.
Johnny 	
Well, he's not very handsome to look at.
Aw, he's shaggy and he eats like a hog.
And he's always killin' my chickens.
Rowlf 	Who's that?
Johnny 	That dirty old egg-suckin' dog.
Rowlf 	(shudders) Wha?
Johnny 	Here comes the chorus, now.
Egg-suckin' dog …
Rowlf 	This is terrible.
Johnny 	I'm gonna stomp your head in the ground …
Rowlf 	Oh no!
Johnny 	
If you don't stay out of my hen house,
You dirty old egg-suckin' hound.
Rowlf 	Yeah, but that's a lie! I never touched a chicken in my life! I can't stand 'em! They're nasty, scrawny ol' things!
Johnny 	Oh, it's nothing personal, it's just a song.
If he don't stop eatin' my eggs up,
Though I'm not a real bad guy,
I'm going to take my riffle and send him
To that great chicken house in the sky.
Everybody sing!
 	The Jug Huggers join him.
Johnny & band	
Egg-suckin' dog,
I'm gonna stomp your head in the ground …
Rowlf 	They wouldn't do that.
Johnny & band	
If you don't stay out of my hen house,
You dirty old egg-suckin' hound.
 	The song concludes. Applause.
Rowlf 	I told you, I don't like chickens! I hate chickens!
Gonzo 	I heard that! Get him, girls!
 	Gonzo's hens attack Rowlf.
Waldorf 	Hey, you know how dogs like their eggs cooked?
Statler 	No.
Waldorf 	Pooched! (laughs)
==Backstage==
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Whoa, Billy Boy, this here radio broadcast is gonna be a hit!
Rowlf 	Well, it's a dud for us dogs.
Gonzo 	And an insult to the poultry of the world! Huh!
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, if you're okay, I'll introduce you.
Fozzie 	Yes!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Hold back there, Gonzo the Frog, who you gon' introduce?
Kermit 	(sigh)
Fozzie 	No, no — the name is Kermit!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Okay, the bear's name is Kermit. I got it. What does he do?
Kermit 	Well, if you must know, he's the comic.
Fozzie 	Ah-ha.
 	
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Sorry. Only one comic works the Big Tiny Tallsaddle Show — my nephew, Wild Wally Whoopee!
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	Another comic?? (shivers)
Kermit 	Listen, on The Muppet Show, Fozzie Bear is the comic. (walks onstage)
Fozzie 	Yes! (walks onstage)
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Fozzie and Kermit Bear? What is it, a brother act?
==Fozzie and Wally's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit approaches the microphone.
Kermit 	Okay, folks, it's comedy time, and here is our own Fozzie —
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Hold on, little green buddy! Which comic you introducin'?
Kermit 	I was introducing our own comedian …
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Yes, folks, and here he is, that wild wit of the west, wonderful Wally Whoopee!
Kermit 	Fozzie Bear! YAAAYYY!
 	The curtain opens. Fozzie and Wally take the stage.
Fozzie 	Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you! Thank you!
 	
Wally Whoopee 	Howdy, friends! Wonderful Wally Whoopee here and — whoa Nelly! You folks watching on the radio won't believe this, but I am standing next to a wild bear!
Fozzie 	Oh, no, no, sir, I — I'm not a wild — well. I mean, I'm a bear, b-but I'm not wild.
Wally Whoopee 	Aww! Listen, I don't blame ya! I'm not wild about bears either! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back)
Fozzie 	I — I am a comedian!
Wally Whoopee 	A comedian?
Fozzie 	Yes!
Wally Whoopee 	Do you know the most important thing about being a comedian?
Fozzie 	No, what's the most impo —
Wally Whoopee 	Timing! (chuckles) Let's hear one of your jokes, comedian!
Fozzie 	Oh, all right. Ahem. (blows on the mic) Ahem. See, this walrus, he goes into the theater, and all of a sudden —
Wally Whoopee 	Hey, you're not nervous, are you?
Fozzie 	Well — a little bit, yeah. But this walr—
Wally Whoopee 	A little? Why folks, he's as nervous as a frog on a freeway with his hopper busted! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Just go ahead with your little story, now.
Fozzie 	Thank you. This walrus, see —
Wally Whoopee 	And don't be nervous.
Fozzie 	Fine. This walrus—
Wally Whoopee 	This better be good, folks!
Fozzie 	(sigh)
 	
Wally Whoopee 	What's the matter? Cat got your joke? (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Listen, why don't you forget about being a comedian — why don't you learn how to ride a bicycle and join the circus?
Fozzie 	Oh, no, no — I wanna get laughs.
Wally Whoopee 	Fall off the bike! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Listen! You've been a great stooge, and to show you what kinda guy Wally Whoopee is, I'm invitin' you up to my ranch for the weekend. (nods)
Fozzie 	You mean — oh, wow! Thank you! Thank you!
Wally Whoopee 	Yes, I just want you to go up there and relax.
Fozzie 	Yeah!
Wally Whoopee 	Just stretch out on the floor and take it easy.
Fozzie 	On the floor?
Wally Whoopee 	Yes — my regular rug's at the cleaners! (chuckles, gives him a slap as the closing music plays) Thank you! Thank you! Keep them fires runnin' for me! Yes indeed, we'll see you soon at the Trick Bone Lodge! (laughs)
 	The curtain closes.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	All riiiiight! Let's hear it for the funniest man west of west of the Pecos, Wally Whoopee! C'mon out, Wally!
 	
 	A fanfare plays as Wally bows and exits.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Ha ha! Hey, good man. And while we're at it, let's have a murmur of sympathy, for that poor sap, Fozzie Bear. (audience: "Awwww.")
Kermit 	Okay, that does it!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Huh?
Kermit 	Listen! How dare you say things like that about my friend Fozzie!
 	
 	Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
Kermit 	(cont'd) This bear is one of the stars of The Muppet Show! He's loving and friendly.
Fozzie 	Uh, funny.
Kermit 	Uh — he's dedicated, loyal, trustworthy —
Fozzie 	Funny?
Kermit 	Uh — handsome, generous, sweet, gentle, charming …
Fozzie 	Funny?
Kermit 	And very, very FUNNY!
 	Applause. Fozzie's fanfare plays and he comes out blowing kisses.
Fozzie 	Thank you! (to Tiny) Ha ha! (exits)
Kermit 	(nods) Yes. Now, Tallsaddle, just get out of the theater.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	What?
Kermit 	You heard me. My friends and I work hard every week to do a good show, and we don't need your kind around being mean and cruel!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	(clutches the mic) Speakin' of bein' cruel, I have this little trick I like to do, with necks and microphone stands —
 	
Scooter 	Wait a minute, Mr. Tallsaddle! I was just out in the alley, and some kids were letting the air out of your horse!
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Huh? My horse? (runs outside) Hey — hey, you kids get away from that horse! That's a brand-new horse!
Scooter 	Lock the door, Beau!
Beauregard 	(offstage) Okay!
 	CLANG! The door shuts.
Kermit 	Letting the air out of his horse?
Scooter 	Well, it's all I could think of.
Kermit 	Whatever. Scooter, listen, you got rid of Tallsaddle. I can't thank you enough.
Scooter 	Oh. Gee, Kermit, I don't need thanks. 'Course, I could use some cash. (holds out his hand)
Kermit 	Well. Of course you could use some cash. Cash is exactly what we all need! So let's just sit back and enjoy the music of the one and only JOHNNY CASH! YAAAAYYY!
Scooter 	No, but you see, I —
Kermit 	Scooter, will you get outta here? YAAAAY!
=="Orange Blossom Special/Jackson"==
 	The curtain opens on Johnny and the Jug Huggers.
Johnny	Everybody make like a train now.
 	
 	They make chugging noises. Johnny plays the harmonica and sings a passage from "Orange Blossom Special".
 	
 	After a harmonica solo, he sings a passage from "Jackson", joined by a well-prepared Miss Piggy.
 	
 	They all conclude with a final chorus of "Orange Blossom", as a train enters the stage. Applause.
==Goodnights==
 	
Kermit 	Okay! Well, it looks like we've come down to the end of the line, but before we go, let us have a big round of applause for our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, JOHNNY CASH! YAAAAYYY! Yes! Yeah.
Johnny 	Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. It's been my pleasure. I really enjoyed being with you.
Kermit 	Well, we had a good time too, once we got rid of Big Tiny Tallsaddle.
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	(offstage) HEY YOU!
Johnny 	Looks like you spoke too soon.
Kermit 	Uhhh, listen, Big Tiny, I thought I told you —
 	
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Now, take it easy, Gonzo. I've just come back to borrow your bicycle pump.
Kermit 	What?
Big Tiny Tallsaddle	Well, I gotta pump up Ol' Paint 'fore they tow him away.
Johnny 	Pump up Ol' Paint?
Kermit 	I-I'll explain later. Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The chatter continues as the credits roll.
Statler 	What kind of show would you call that?
Waldorf 	Frankly, I'd call it quits!
 	Pause.
Statler & Waldorf 	Quits! Quits!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts