The War Within

As a man of not only action but of thought, I, at times of relative peace and passivity, find myself pondering on the mysteries and wonders of all Creation. Why am I here? Where did we all come from? What is at the end of the Great Journey? Will we see the gods? Are… there gods? Hmm. In those days, it was sinful to even have such a thought. Such unfaithful, heretical thoughts. More than once have I seen the consequences of such crimes of the mind, fatal consequences where the results were on full public display, to admonish the masses. But now… now I am unsure. Many things have transpired a relatively short time ago that has upended what I had previously believed in my younger days.
However, this particular documented musing of mine is not concerning that, but in fact another musing of mine while at the frontlines near the Human world of Serenity. Our whole regiment had captured a small Human village with most of the populace within. Initially we were unsure how to dispose of them, until our commander was inspired by the example of another regiment in a nearby sector. At this time my knowledge of Humanity was beyond most others in my regiment - thanks to collecting and analyzing several tomes of Human knowledge over the years of conquering worlds - and so my commander came to me and asked me if this village had a place of worship. I answered in the affirmative, pointing to a church constructed from wood.
Like livestock, we herded the raucous, yet harmless Humans into the church, creating an impenetrable wall with our warriors as we funneled them through the front doors, the smaller aliens before us, yelling in confusion and panic as they stumbled inside. After the Humans had entered the church, we barred the doors and windows shut with scraps of metal and wood. There was no escape for them now. Mik seemed very excited, wielding a plasma cannon by the hip.
At this time, there were a few more intrepid Sangheili among us who threw several plasma grenades through the openings in the windows. Explosions rocked the inside of the church, and then the screaming came, which would cause those of lesser nerves to quake. I saw none of that from our ranks, only applause and cheers that now, at last, after ages of marching, some excitement was happening. The elation from among us grew after we threw incendiary grenades at the façade of the church, setting the structure’s exterior ablaze. It was roughly midday, so the glow of the fire was dwarfed by the sun’s own light. I saw the doors flexing from impacts within: the Humans were banging on them, attempting to escape. Such efforts would not avail them.
Shortly thereafter, our commander stepped forward, charging up a plasma rifle. He gave us the order to fire. So, being good warriors, we fired. I confess that I thought this a waste of ammunition, but I also realized that this was a sort of unorthodox way to boost our morale, which had been chipped away at from the long marches. The bolts of plasma and trails from the projectiles of the carbines streaked into the church, undoubtedly hitting and killing those within. This of course meant that reliably identifying the scorer of a given kill is virtually impossible, so in this circumstance and in those like it, the kills are equally allotted to all those who participated in the deadly deed or deeds.
Upon this realization, I fired my carbine, but only twice, and both times at random points at the church. I looked to my left and my right, and I found that here or there was a lone warrior, hesitant, looking around him, puzzled by this whole spectacle. I confess that I too had, in those days, more of an inclination to ask questions that most others. Mik, however, was certainly not a thinker in this instance. Reveling in the act of destruction, he elatedly laughed as he fired the plasma cannon at the church in its entirety.
As I saw the church slowly being destroyed, I could not help but wonder: is this who we are? Are we mindless barbarians setting ablaze every Human village we see? Have we no honor? Honor… it is such a strange, unique, difficult-to-define concept, and malleable according to the situation. I have indeed seen it used to justify extreme violence as well as extreme control. Many men act honorably, but in doing so, they also act blindly.
Secondly, are we at all justified in our faith in the gods, in the Great Journey, to take such action against those who blaspheme? I myself have seen little evidence of the Humans actively engaging in heresy, but according to the Hierarchs they are indeed infidels, and in those days, it was unthinkable to question the Holy Hierarchs. Indeed times were different, and almost no warrior had those thoughts in his mind, and if he did, he would do his utmost to eliminate them, for they were, in their very nature, heretical. How interesting, how faith can bind a man better than the strongest of chains.
Thirdly, I found myself thinking at that time what must have been a most queer thought: how did I find myself here? The violence was almost surreal: was this indeed reality, or in fact some morbid shared dream? Was I hallucinating? It seemed too fanciful, but this in fact did happen, and I did bear witness to an entire village of Humans being locked inside a church and that church being set on fire and fired upon. When I first joined our illustrious military, I did not expect to engage in such a spectacle, yet here I was. I sought glory, honor, and purpose on the battlefield, but this was no battlefield, those Humans were no combatants, and there was no battle. This was instead slaughter.
After some time, we all stopped firing upon the church. I looked to my side and found Mik in the afterglow of the violence, breathing deeply as he grinned wildly, the rush of adrenaline flowing through his veins. Then, I looked back at the burning church, at the doors. They were still, and aflame, and soon the structure as a whole began to collapse in on itself. More buildings were set alight with incendiaries as the village was subject to our harsh treatment. At this moment, I saw a young Human male being led by a Sangheili to right in front of the church. An Unggoy operating a camera stood before a small grouping of Sangheili, gathered around a major, who held up a charged plasma pistol against the Human’s head. The warriors posed for the camera, while the Human had a look of sheer terror on his face, and shook slightly, but was otherwise deathly still. A photograph was taken, and afterwards the warriors left the Human alone, laughing. Shortly thereafter, we departed the village. No doubt that Human was kept alive to spread the word of our incoming judgement upon Humanity.
I dwelled upon these thoughts of mine for some time after the fall of that Human village, that nameless gathering of homes burned to the ground. However, as we ceased operations on Serenity and boarded Phantoms, I had noticed that very few, if any, warriors had pensive looks on their faces. Instead they had fiery, steely-eyed determination about them. They were clear, focused, determined, single-minded in their goals. They dwelled upon nothing but the next battle, including Mik. Indeed, I had no reason to believe a man such as Mik would think twice about such bloody business. I would, however, and I did. However, noticing that I was but an island in the deep, dark, desolate ocean waters, I did not voice my opinion, for that would surely bring about questions of heresy, and in those days, I was no heretic.
Nevertheless, what I thought, what I believed, and what I did were at odds with one another. Surely the war within would rip me apart, and in fact at several times of my life, it almost did.
Category:The Weekly