Simon Stakeout

This is the 50th episode of Hoopla's Fantastic Beach, and the 11th episode of season 4.
==Transcript==
(The episode starts with an overhead view of the island.)
Narrator: It’s impossible to truly be perfect.
(We see different shots of familiar areas)
Narrator: But Hoopla is as close as he can be. He is satisfied with his life. In fact, all his friends are too. Every island resident is happy. Thanks to Simon’s renovations, the island is essentially a utopia.
(Kids are playing in waves and adults are relaxing on the beach.)
Narrator: The goal has been reached. Hoopla’s beach, after all the hard work, is finally fantastic.
(Hoopla is sunbathing, wearing sunglasses, with a smile on his face.)
Narrator: No more problems. Definitely no more unanswered questions. For sure no gaping plot holes. Everyone is satisfied. It would seem it is time.. The time to close up this story. We are all happy…
(The camera zooms all the way into Alpooh’s house.)
Narrator: YOU. EVERYONE. EXCEPT. YOU. You…gaping…hole. You- weird- little- glitch. (sighs) I really wish I could swear. But why aren’t you happy? You never go outside. You continue to argue over past grudges. Your hatred of others is continuously flowing. We could have wrapped it up here. But no. You leave a mark…a burning mark of anger wherever you take a step. (sigh) This is a problem. How will it play out…
(Cut to Hoopla and Simon working their ice cream job.)
Hoopla: Man, this ice cream looks really good. Too bad I’m allergic to milk.
Simon: Don’t worry. That antidote is almost done! By the way, that is just lactose intolerance.
Hoopla: YES! Fantastic. …Not lactose intolerance, I should clarify.
Simon: (looking out into the distance) Welp, we got another group of happy customers coming our way.
Hoopla: Time to serve! HOOPLA!
Simon: Yeah! Uhh…SIMON!
Hoopla: …It doesn’t work when you do it.
Simon: I tried. That’s what counts.
Hoopla: I mean, I guess.
(The customers line up.)
Customer: Hmm… I would like a small, vanilla cup, no sprinkles.
Simon: Good choice. On its way!
Hoopla: (to another customer) And what would you like?
Customer: Strawberry and chocolate upside down swirl, four cones, invisible sprinkles, an arm and a leg.
Hoopla: Fancy. I like it. 
Simon: ???????
Hoopla: That’ll take one minut-
(People in the line start falling over like dominos.)
Hoopla: Wait- What the?
(Out from the falling line of people comes Alpooh, who caused the falling in the first place.)
Hoopla: Hey, what are you doing here? And what the heck was all of… that for?!
Alpooh: I would’ve just cut the line but it was more fun that way.
Simon: Sir, you can’t just…y’know, do that!!
Alpooh: Yeah yeah, okay. Hoopla, I need you. Come to my house.
Simon: You also can’t just steal a worker.
Hoopla: It’s… (sigh) fine. I got this. We have a…struggling friendship. It won’t be long.
Simon: Fine. (whispering) But make sure he gets in trouble for what he caused.
Hoopla: Got it-
(Alpooh tugs Hoopla by the arm and starts dragging him quickly over to Alpooh’s home.)
Hoopla: Whoa! What do you even need me for?
Alpooh: I'll tell you when we get there!
(Cut to Alpooh finally letting go of Hoopla’s arm once they arrive at Alpooh’s house)
Hoopla: So… what am I here for?
Alpooh: So, and this is just between you and me, but… (whispers) I think Simon is up to something.
Hoopla: No way. He’s a great guy!
Alpooh: Or so you think.
Hoopla: Do you think he’s committing murder or something?
Alpooh: I have no idea, but it cannot be good. And that’s why I’ve recruited you to help me find out.
Hoopla: Find out…?
Alpooh: Ugh. I really have to explain every little thing to you simpletons.
(Alpooh brings out a large poster board clipped with images and crazy writings all around. On the poster board there are big bold red letters spelling "SIMON IS A POOPY HEAD".)
Alpooh: This is my conspiracy board. She’s a beauty. As you know, I’ve gotten into conspiracy theories ever since I started browsing those forums. I’ve learned so much from them. Because of their help, I can declare myself an official sigma male… but that’s besides the point. They had the usual theories, but that’s for the common folk. I’m not a normie. I created my own conspiracy. A TRUTH! I got on the grind and made all this. Impressed?
Hoopla: What…what does any of this…even mean? You’ve written chicken scratch everywhere.
Alpooh: It’s the DEFINITIVE PROOF that your so-called friend Simon is up to no good. A con knows a con when he sees one. That Simon fellow is a dirty little liar.
Hoopla: (facepalm) I can’t believe you seriously believe this. Look at the great work he’s done to this community. All the joy created from his actions. He’s one of my greatest friends. In fact, I’m proud of that. And…you DARE insult him like this?! I didn’t think you could ever get this low, Alpooh.
Alpooh: No… you’re already too far gone. Trapped in his cult. DO YOU NOT SEE IT? I SMELL IT! ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE I CAN TASTE IT! 
Hoopla: What do you think about him- that he’s an evil mastermind?
Alpooh: Exactly.
Hoopla: …Huh. Uh-huh.
Alpooh: He’s fooled all of you into his happy go lucky persona. He’s CLEARLY an evil mastermind- intent on creating a dictatorship, brainwashing everyone, ruling the world, and eliminating everyone in his path.
Hoopla: Isn’t… ain’t that exactly what you tried to do? You sure you’re not just projecting?
Alpooh: SHUT UP! THE EVIDENCE IS OUT THERE! I CAN GO FIND IT! THEN YOU’LL SEE!
Hoopla: Jeez man, you don’t have to go through all this effort, just admit you’re racist to jellyfish. It’s fine. I’m pretty sure Doclement is too. I need to check up on him-
Alpooh: How DARE you! I may have had a somewhat bad past-
Hoopla: That’s putting it lightly.
Alpooh: -but that doesn’t mean I’d be racist!
Hoopla: Alpooh, I really, really can’t deal with this right now. I’m finally happy. Don’t derail this. I got a good thing going.
(Hoopla starts to leave.)
Alpooh: I’ll discover the truth. I’ll bring you real evidence. Just you wait. You’re supporting a madman. His charity is fake. Nothing but a scheme to fuel his evil endeavors.
Hoopla: Yeah, bet. Just stay inside your basement, will you?
(Hoopla leaves)
Alpooh: (grumbling) Stupid kid. Adult. I’m not really sure how old he is. Eh, everyone is stupid. Doesn’t believe in me… I’ll show him. I’ll show them ALL!
(Cut to Alpooh in a bush, spying on Simon.)
Alpooh: Fool…he’s gonna lead me right to his secret lair.
(Simon is then seen walking into his own home)
Alpooh: Yes… just act natural…
(Alpooh crawls over and ducks behind a window.)
Alpooh: What are you planning…
(Simon walks into his bathroom, closes the door, and comes out a few seconds later.)
Alpooh: There we go.
(Simon goes out into his backyard, allowing Alpooh to jump through the window, breaking it.)
Alpooh: He has no idea! This is so exciting.
(Alpooh dashes inside the bathroom and looks around for an entrance.)
Alpooh: Uhmm… well… desperate times call for desperate measures.
(Alpooh jumps inside the toilet and flushes himself down.)
Alpooh: Geronimooooo!
(Alpooh falls down into a sewer)
Alpooh: Yuck, this place is a dump. Although it is a sewer, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, where is that jellyfish jerk?
(He looks around, when a sewer rat comes up to him and starts sniffing him)
Alpooh: Back off, runt! (he kicks the rat with his foot)
(However, the rat squeaks to others in the distance, and a bunch of sewer rats start ganging up on Alpooh. He starts running)
Alpooh: I regret what I said!
(Alpooh runs until he falls out of a sewer pipe and into a dirty river outside.)
Alpooh: Maybe… maybe I was a little off. Yes…this was a ploy. HE KNEW I WOULD FALL FOR IT! I’ve been distracted while he’s at the REAL lair. That pesky JELLYFISH! I wish I could just strangle him by his nonexistent neck and squirt all the jelly out of him till he’s dry! Then…I’ll be a hero.
(Alpooh walks back to civilization, all dirty.)
Alpooh: I have to start looking deeper. No wonder he’s gotten away with so much- even my super detective skills are barely a match. Hmm…
(Alpooh climbs up a pole and breaks the light on top- the lightbulb is one from the underwater mothership.)
Alpooh: Suddenly getting advanced alien technology out of nowhere… that’s quite suspicious Simon… are you sure you didn’t take it for ULTERIOR MOTIVES?!
(A bystander walks by and stares at Alpooh.)
Bystander: Er… what are you doing, sir? And why are you yelling to yourself? Do you need help?
Alpooh: Shaddup! I’m the fabulous Alpooh and I’m saving your goddamn lives, so zip it and thank me.
Bystander: Wait…Alpooh? You tried to take over the world, right? Why in the hell are you free?
Alpooh: Uhm, I helped stop the alien invasion, duh.
Bystander: Barely. Hoopla did most of the work. You shouldn’t be allowed to have freedom- you’re still causing disruption right now! Breaking public property and insulting the great Simon! You’re a menace to society!
Alpooh: “THE GREAT SIMON?!” DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?! Calling him a great lord or whatever… that’s the smell…the smell of a CULT!
(Alpooh’s yellings start attracting a crowd.)
Other bystander: Who’s this nutjob? I’m trying to watch a show!
Alpooh: My name is Alpooh, you idiot! Come on, you guys surely don’t all worship Simon, right?
(Everyone looks at each other)
Other other bystander: Hey, aren’t you supposed to be in prison or something?
Alpooh: No?
(Chatter occurs within the crowd)
Alpooh: Oh, come on guys. I’m a good guy here! See? (he picks up a wad of gum from the ground and it sticks to his hand) Ew. Eh. (he eats it) See… I’m cleaning the streets… recycling waste…
(Chatter grows even louder)
Alpooh: Ugh, god, this is ludicrous. You seriously are all just so blind. Look at the evidence. The man casually uses alien guts to power the town, he casually sends annoying knights my way, his charity members casually sue people.
Person: Those things aren’t too bad. Besides, you’ve done worse. You have no word here.
Alpooh: This whole charity business is stupid! Don’t you think he has enough money by now? What is it even supporting? Happiness?! How do you buy happiness?!
Person: He’s supporting the town. We’re all so much happier now!
Alpooh: (standing on top of the pole) How much money does he need? Has he ever given a definitive amount?! He’s had to have enough by now! And he always acts so strange and nervous! Do you all NOT SEE IT? HE’S CREATING A NEW WORLD ORDER WITH THE MONEY! WE ARE ALL DOOMED! HE’S CREATING A TYRANNY! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! ALL ATTEMPTED UTOPIAS END UP TURNING INTO DYSTOPIAS! AND YOU JUST CAN’T COMPREHEND IT! YOU’RE SUPPORTING EVIL! YOU WON’T ACCEPT THE TRUTH! All throughout history people have been taken advantage of and have deceived themselves. The one time I can stop it before it occurs nobody listens! BLIND! BRAINWASHED! IDIOTS! FOOLS! DUMB-DUMBS! DOLTS! NITWITS! GAH!-
(Everyone stares at him silently. Suddenly, the crowd storms with a wave of boos.)
Alpooh: Why are you booing me? I'm right!
Bystander: Get him!
(Alpooh starts running away, and the crowd chases after him)
Alpooh: What in the world?! I don’t deserve this! 
(He looks around)
Alpooh: Where to hide where to hide? Maybe I should hide in the jungle like one of those movies I saw. Good thing there's one nearby.
(Alpooh spots the beach jungle nearby and runs into it. He hides in another well-hidden bush near some thorns.)
Alpooh: Ow. Spiky thorns. Why do I always end up in bushes.
Bystander: He's in that jungle! Get him!
Other bystander: Let's get that son of a criminal!
Alpooh: Man they REALLY hate me…
Other other bystander: He probably supported King Noir!
Alpooh: (to himself) I didn’t even read the book Hoopla wrote about that…
Yet another bystander: Is it true he’s gone on killing sprees? Or was that me instead…
Alpooh: (to himself) This is getting ridiculous. They're slandering me! Maybe I should sue them…
Yet another another bystander: It’s obvious he would become a bad person. Anyone with the stupid name of “Alpooh” would become evil. I know I would. What the hell does the name Alpooh even mean?!
Alpooh: Ugh… this is tiring. Why can’t they just shut the hell up and leave me alone?
People: (chanting) GET ALPOOH! GET ALPOOH! GET ALPOOH!
Person: ALPOOH! HE DEFECATED THROUGH A SUNROOF! AND YET HE GETS TO BE FREE? WHAT A SICK JOKE!
(Alpooh peeks outside the bush.)
Alpooh: Oh…man… I gotta get deeper into the jungle. They won’t find me if I go far enough.
(Alpooh runs farther into the jungle. So far away, in fact, that he cannot hear anyone at all.)
Alpooh: (exhausted) Phew. Finally, some peace and quiet.
(Silence)
Alpooh: Forget this, there’s nothing to do around here! All I can do is talk to myself, like that’s any fun. 
(More silence)
Alpooh: Gee, it sure is boring around here. …but maybe that’s a good thing. Nobody to harass me, nobody to judge me, and most of all, no stinking SIMON! (sigh) I have to accept the facts. I’m gay. And all those people are too far in. Like Hoopla. They won’t believe anything I say, even if I have clear as day evidence. Which I don’t have. BUT I WILL!
(Alpooh wanders the jungle.)
Alpooh: Maybe there’s evidence in here. Hmm… perhaps his lair is somewhere near…
(Alpooh spins around, looking at the whole area.)
Alpooh: One thing’s for sure… I'm gay. And also it is way too quiet here. Not how I remember it…though I suppose last time I was here there was a whole musical performance. Yet… it couldn’t be this quiet anyway. It’s almost as if…wait… WAIT! 
(Alpooh drops to his knees and yells)
Alpooh: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
(Alpooh dashes out of the jungle and back to Simon’s home, where Simon is reading a philosophy book.)
Simon: How interesting. (flips a page) I need to study this some more-
(Suddenly, Alpooh jumps through the window and grabs Simon by his nonexistent neck.)
Simon: Ekchckechkha ahcxkkhchkcahkhca….
Alpooh: Shut! SHUT! JUST PULL A SMOSH AND SHUT UP! WHERE… WHERE?! WHERE ARE THEY?!
Simon: I… ee…ddddon’t… echkc… know…what… you mean!
Alpooh: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL! WHERE ARE THEY?! WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?!
Simon: Lllett- me- go…
Alpooh: TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM, SIMON?! EXPLAIN!
(Alpooh lets go of Simon.)
Simon: (huff) (puff) I…
(Simon runs to his phone and clicks the emergency call button.)
Simon: I didn’t wanna do this…but I have no choice. You’re a dirty little criminal Alpooh. I can’t have you roaming free in my- (cough) this world’s perfect utopia. You need to be back in jail.
Alpooh: Grrr… You’ll get away this time. This is only because I’m not eating the prison food again.
(Alpooh reverse-jumps out the window and starts running backwards. Police sirens are heard in the background. Alpooh runs backwards all the way back to the place in the jungle he was at.)
Alpooh: Drat! Darn! Gosh… how am I gonna get outta this one?! Doesn’t help I’m in the middle of nowhere!
(Alpooh looks at the dark area of the jungle, covered by thick bushes and trees.)
Alpooh: (gulp) I guess I have no other choice.
(Alpooh runs into the dark. He keeps running until he can’t hear the sirens anymore.)
Alpooh: God. Dear god. My… what… what now? …Now what? 
(Alpooh suddenly walks into a metal door. He’s stumbled upon a bunker.)
Alpooh: What the hell is this?! Who owns private property in a jungle?!
(Alpooh reads the text engraved in the metal- PROPERTY OF DOCLEMENT.)
Alpooh: Doclement’s bunker? Ay! Doc! (knocking on the door) Lemme in! NOW!
(Silence. For only a moment- complete silence. Then, without warning, the metal door opens.)
Alpooh: No way out this time, Alpooh.
(Alpooh walks inside as the door closes behind him.)
Narrator: So… that’s what’s happened. Why am I nervous… everything else is fine. This was just a small hiccup. I shouldn’t be worried. This isn’t even about me. But… I’m not like the others. I care about this world.
Voice: Hey! Bloxyl! What are you doing?
(We zoom out of the island to see that the narrator is actually Bloxyl, watching events unfold on a crystal ball.)
Voice 2: What are you doing at our station?
Bloxyl: Oh! Hi guys! Erm… sorry. Trixyl, Cirxyl. I was just…y’know. Watching.
Trixyl: Hmm. You were watching Hoopla again. You weren’t thinking about interfering-
Bloxyl: (laughs) No, no. I would never. But…he was a good friend. I kinda…care about what happens to him? I’m not sure if you guys would understand. I’m not sure I get it myself…befriending a mortal.
Cirxyl: Just… don’t sneak up on our station. It’s very delicate work. Got it, Blox?
Bloxyl: Alright, alright. Unless you guys ever need some extra help…?
Trixyl: We’re perfectly fine. We can handle it.
Cirxyl: The timeline is stabilizing. We can watch it all. 
Bloxyl: But-
Cirxyl: Everybody knows.
Bloxyl: Hmph. Fine.
(silence)
Bloxyl: Guys- I’m messing with you. It’s all good.
Trixyl: See you later.
(Bloxyl walks away.)
Trixyl: Make sure to wear a raincoat.
Cirxyl: Yes. Bring an umbrella.
Trixyl: A storm is coming… is it not?
(The episode ends.)
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