The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie: The Breaking Bad Cut

The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie: The Breaking Bad Cut is an alternate cut of the critically-acclaimed and award-winning masterpiece The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie.
Talks of a "Breaking Bad cut" being released began before the original cut even came out when writer-director-producer revealed that several references to the Breaking Bad franchise would be featured in the movie. This announcement faced mass backlash from members of the SBFW Crib, with threatening to give the movie a bad review should any Breaking Bad references be present in the theatrical release. All references were consequently removed from the final cut of the movie since Jess wanted the film to sweep the 10th Square Logo Awards. This move upset writer-executive producer however, who had added most of the aforementioned Breaking Bad references to the screenplay. A couple other scenes written by MrDaGuy were also omitted from the theatrical cut for continuity purposes.
Shortly after the original film's release, the 10th Square Logo Awards were held where it won the award for "Movie of the Year". With bad publicity avoided, Jess jokingly mentioned her intentions to release the "Breaking Bad cut".
The Breaking Bad Cut was officially announced on February 13, 2023, for release on the streaming service PI+ on March 14 as part of 2023's PI Day celebrations.
The Breaking Bad Cut is largely identical to the original movie, with just the aforementioned deleted scenes, among others, reinstated. It is, however, considered non-canon to the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe continuity.
== Cast ==
* as Walter White
* as Jesse Pikmin
* as Saul Goodman
*See The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie#Cast for rest
== Trailer ==
500px|center
== Transcript ==
[PI+ logo.]
Patchy the Pirate: Ahoy! I’m the ghost of Patchy the Pirate! After me and Potty tragically died while trying to deliver a present to SpongeBob, I came a ghost and potty went to hell! Now here’s what you have all been waiting for… THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE: THE BREAKING BAD CUT!
[Screen fades to black; PI Movies logo. We see a birds-eye view of Peppa Pig World at night followed by an exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. The words “November 17, 2021 - 9:15 am” wipe across the bottom left of the screen. Mummy Sheep emerges from her bedroom looking very relieved.]
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Phew, holy fuck! I’ve never felt so ALIVE!!!!!!!!
[Mummy Sheep puts one of her dildos away in a drawer and walks across to the bathroom to clean herself up. The camera pans across to her daughter Suzy Sheep’s room, where she is wearing a headset and playing Fortnite on her Xbox.]
Suzy: (through her microphone) Peppa, what the hell are you doing?!
Peppa: (through her headset in her house) I’m landing!
Suzy: At Tilted? Bruh, EVERYONE lands at Tilted! We’re never gonna get a Victory Royale like this!
Peppa: Trust me, Suzy, we’re gonna win this.
Mummy Pig: (off-screen) Peppa! It’s time to tidy your room!
Peppa: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS WANKER, I’M PLAYING FORTNITE!
Suzy: …you know… Peppa?
Peppa: Yeah?
Suzy: …just in case I get shot to death in the next minute or something… I just want you to know that I love you.
[Pause.]
Peppa: …I love you too, Suzy.
[The camera pans over to Suzy’s window. It is wide open. A black van marked with “Grandad Dog’s Rental Service” pulls up outside the building. A woman, dressed in all black clothing, is in the driver’s seat.]
Cosmobo: Okay, no pressure Cosmobo. Boris just wants you to kill the little girl and then you will finally have somewhere to stay, at least for a couple months I guess. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to pull this off-
[She notices the open window.]
Cosmobo: (smirks) Bingo.
[Cosmobo pulls a shotgun out and aims it at Suzy through the window.]
Cosmobo: Peppa Pig World is so chill about guns and stuff compared to Bikini Bottom. I love it.
[Suzy Sheep notices her]
Suzy Sheep: Hey, wanna play Fortnite with me?
[Pause.]
Cosomobo: *smirks*
[Cut to Mummy Sheep emerging from the bathroom with toilet flushing sounds. She starts making her way back to her bedroom, when suddenly a loud gunshot is heard, followed by a child’s scream.]
Mummy Sheep: Suzy?! Can you keep it down in there?
[Silence…]
Mummy Sheep: Suzy?!
[Silence…]
Mummy Sheep: SUZY! YOUR MOTHER IS TALKING TO-
[Mummy Sheep enters Suzy’s room to find her lying dead on the floor in a puddle of blood.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear! It looks like Suzy Sheep is dead!
[Mummy Sheep stares at the camera.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh- is- is now not a good time? I’m sorry.
[Cut back to Cosmobo, she slams on the brakes and drives off.]
Cosmobo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO COSMOBO!!!!!!!!
[We cut to a BBC News report.]
Mark Austin: Good evening paedophiles. World renowned LGBTQ+ rights activist and Peppa Pig’s girlfriend, Suzy Sheep, has been found dead in her bedroom this morning.
[Cut to a Bikini Bottom News report.]
Perch Perkins: The daughter of Mummy Sheep is suspected to have been shot dead by an unknown killer.
[Cut to a French news report.]
Reporter: La majeure partie du monde devrait entrer cette semaine dans une période de deuil international pour commémorer la vie de Suzy Sheep, qui manquera beaucoup à tout le monde.
(SUBTITLES: SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
[Cut to a TalkTV news report.]
Piers Morgan: It’s just some stupid lesbian who has died, I really don’t understand what everyone is making a big fuss about, honestly.
PI MOVIES PRESENT
A CORAL BLUE PRODUCTIONS AND SQUIDY STUDIOS FILM
THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE: THE BREAKING BAD CUT
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. The text “December 2022” wipes across the bottom left of the screen. SpongeBob is inside cleaning the cash register. Squidward is mopping the floor.]
SpongeBob: You know, it’s funny. It’s a Wednesday but for some reason it’s a Friday.
Squidward: You are terrible at small talk, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Awwww, I love you too, Squidward!
[Pause.]
Squidward: So, have you figured it out yet or what?
SpongeBob: Figured what out?
Squidward: Jesus fucking Christ. The debt, SpongeBob? The debt?! You seriously forgot that we owe one Morbillion dollars to the landlord?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m sorry Squidward. It’s just that I still can’t believe we own The Krusty Krab now. It’s so overwhelming, you know.
Squidward: You own The Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Huh?
Squidward: You said we own The Krusty Krab. You own it, not me. I’m only here until I can get another job offer elsewhere. As soon as that day comes, I’m out of here.
SpongeBob: Cool. I’ll miss you but… I’m happy for you. You looking at anywhere nice?
Squidward: Well… I found this job at this music company - JETT Records. It’s just as a receptionist, but it’s something, right?
[Pause.]
Squidward: I, um… we… heh, I’ll do whatever I can to help with the debt until then though.
SpongeBob: You’re such a good friend, Squidward.
Squidward: I’m only doing this as a favor to you, okay?!
SpongeBob: Sure, Squidward, sure.
Squidward: (sighs) …It’s still weird with Mr. Krabs gone though, I will admit.
SpongeBob: Hey, he’s in a better place now… Shady Shoals Retirement Home.
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep enter.]
Daddy Pig: Good morning Krusty Krew!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep have come to eat at The Krusty Krab. Daddy Pig was SpongeBob’s roommate until he got married to Mummy Sheep.
SpongeBob: Oh hey guys! I didn’t expect to see you two come in so soon.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig previously had an affair with Mummy Sheep whilst he was married to Mummy Pig.
Mummy Sheep: Just the usual please. We’re kind of in a rush.
SpongeBob: Of course! You two are our first customers, actually.
Squidward: Not really something to brag about.
Mummy Sheep: Just please make it quick. We have the trial soon.
Squidward: …trial? What trial?
[Exterior shot of a courthouse surrounded by a flood of news reporters and security guards.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins reporting live for Bikini Bottom News - BBN. I am on the scene of the Peppa Pig World Supreme Court where British Prime Minister Boris Johnson currently awaits trial for allegedly ordering the murder of LGBTQ+ rights activist and friend to many Suzy Sheep.
[Footage of Cosmobo being arrested and dragged into a police car is shown on-screen.]
Perch Perkins: (narrating) The hitman identified as SpongeBob fanfiction writer Cosmobo was arrested back in February of this year for the tragic homicide. However, Cosmobo’s true motives were not made public until recently, causing the Conservative Party to lose faith in Boris Johnson’s parliament, leading to Boris himself to resign and pork market enthusiast Liz Truss to take over as prime minister. 
[Cut to Squidward in The Krusty Krab kitchen cleaning some dishes. SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward?
Squidward: Hi.
SpongeBob: Will we- I mean… will I-
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: You do think we will be able to clear this whole debt thing up, right? I mean, one Morbillion dollars is a lot of money.
Squidward: …I’m gonna be completely honest with you, SpongeBob… I don’t know.
[Cut to a car suddenly pulling up outside the Peppa Pig World courthouse.]
Perch Perkins: Ho-ho-ho-ho! Looks like we’re in for a treat folks, as it seems Boris Johnson has just arrived at the scene!
[Boris Johnson steps out of the car, desperately trying to cover his face as the onslaught of press frantically takes photos. Jacob Rees-Mogg steps out of the vehicle and follows behind him.]
Boris: If you have any cups of tea, best to whip them out now.
[Cut to Boris and Rees-Mogg sitting in the courtroom.]
Boris: Oh Jesus… Oh God… God help me. Goodness gracious, this is not going to go well.
Rees-Mogg: Please don’t worry, my precious baby boy. Everything is going to be just fine.
[Boris and Rees-Mogg kiss.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are in love.
Boris: Do you really think so, my scrunkly?
Rees-Mogg: Of course, my darling Boris-woris! I got the best lawyer I could find!
Boris: Saul Goodman?
Rees-Mogg: Even better!
Boris: Bitch, Saul Goodman helped Sam and Cat. Or maybe it was Salmon Cat. There is NO ONE better than Saul.
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here.
[The two turn around and see Scott the Woz standing behind them.]
Boris Johnson: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
Scott the Woz: In the flesh, funny British man.
Boris Johnson: I downstream your YubTub videos all the time!
Rees-Mogg: Actually I believe it’s “YouTube”, sir.
Scott the Woz: Actually YubTub came out not too long ago, please don’t deadname her.
Rees-Mogg: I am terribly sorry, Mr. the Woz.
Scott the Woz: Please, Mr. Wozniak is fine.
Boris: I didn’t know you were a lawyer, Scott.
Scott the Woz: How did you think I can afford all my copies of Flingsmash?
Rees-Mogg: He has a point, dear Boris.
Scott the Woz: Anyway, this trial should go without a hitch. I love defending innocent people accused of murder! Really fills me with joy.
[Pause. Rees-Mogg starts whispering in Scott the Woz’s ear.]
Scott the Woz: What’s that? …he’s guilty? 
[Scott starts laughing.]
Scott the Woz: This is going to be fun.
[Cut to Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep driving to the courthouse.]
Daddy Pig: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT LOST!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig is not very good with directions.
Daddy Pig: I AM GOOD AT DIRECTIONS!
Peppa Pig Narrator: And he gets very grumpy when he gets lost.
Daddy Pig: WE ARE NOT LOST, AND I AM NOT GRUMPY!!!!!!!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: This is all because you didn’t take that left like I told you too.
Daddy Pig: BECAUSE SIRI TOLD ME TO TAKE THE RIGHT!
Mummy Sheep: I bet you didn’t even put in the right address.
Daddy Pig: I DID!!!!
Mummy Sheep: Do you even know where the courthouse is?
Daddy Pig: Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: No.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It seems Daddy Pig is lost.
Daddy Pig: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE ARE NOT LOST! I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FIND WHERE THE- oh there it is.
[The car pulls up at the courthouse and the two get out of the car. Cut to the pair walking down the court hallway.]
Daddy Pig: I hope we’re not too late.
Mummy Sheep: I mean it’s only the trial that could finally give us justice for the murder of my only child, it’s nothing major.
Daddy Pig: Who’s our lawyer anyway?
Nostalgia Critic: Hello I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
Nostalgia Critic: (sighs) …I am not Scott the Woz.
Daddy Pig: What’s the difference?
Nostalgia: I’m Doug Walker, you may know my son Aaron Walker. Also I mistreat my workers.
Daddy Pig: Ah, gotcha.
Nostalgia Critic: JewWario did nothing wrong.
Daddy Pig: Jewish Wario? Mummy Sheep, are you sure this guy is our lawyer?
Mummy Sheep: Well he said he remembers things so we don’t have to, so he sounded good at the time.
[Not-Joe walks out from a courtroom.]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey Not-Joe.
Not-Joe: Hey, Nostalgia Critic.
Nostalgia Critic: How’d it go?
Not-Joe: I just got BANNED from SBFW.
[Cut to the group sat in court. A judge enters.]
Judge Stickleback: All rise.
Daddy Pig: But I literally just sat down!
[The judge makes their way to their booth.]
Judge Stickleback: Court is now in session. Is the plaintiff ready?
Mummy Sheep: I think so. 
Judge Stickleback: Do you vow to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Mummy Sheep: Of course. (clears throat) So, um, basically… Boris Johnson here killed my fucking daughter and I would like for him to be arrested, please.
Judge Stickleback: Alright. Boris? Do you have a defence ready?
Boris: Yeah, sure, whatever. 
[Boris clears his throat.]
Boris: I did not kill her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not kill her! I did not naaahhhhhhhht.
Judge Stickleback: Very well. Case dismissed.
[The judge bangs her gavel. The jury starts chattering amongst itself.]
Mummy Sheep: But- but-
Judge Stickleback: You’re suing Boris for the murder of Suzy Sheep, hm? 
Mummy Sheep: Yuh.
Judge Stickleback Boris just said he didn’t kill Suzy Sheep.
Boris: That is correct.
Judge Stickleback: Is this not true?
Mummy Sheep: I mean, um, well… technically Boris didn’t directly kill Suzy Sheep-
Judge Stickleback: Then there is nothing more to say.
Nostalgia Critic: OBJECTION!
Judge Stickleback: I’ve already dismissed the court, you can’t-
Nostalgia Critic: I understand I myself am nothing but a funny YouTube man… but this mother here had her daughter murdered and nothing has been done about it for almost a year at this point! Are we really gonna sit here and not listen to her pleas?!
Judge Stickleback: Yes.
[Doug Walker sits back down.]
Nostalgia Critic: Well I’ve done all I can do.
Daddy Pig: Wait! Your honour. This may come as a big surprise to you, but I’m not really an expert in court. 
Judge Stickleback: Really?
Daddy Pig: However, I think what my wife meant to say was that Boris Johnson hired a hitman to murder Suzy.
Judge Stickleback: Ugh. Look, I just want to get home in time for lunch, okay?! Does the defendant admit to these claims?
[Pause.]
Boris: Well, as the former prime minister of the United Kingdom, I can confirm that I am fully committed to doing what’s best for this country and I want to help out in any way I can.
[In the background, Rees-Mogg is lying down fast asleep.]
Mummy Sheep: Well for a start, you could help out by ANSWERING THE DAMN QUESTION!
Boris: Well I- you know-
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No.
Daddy Pig: Did you not hire a hitman to murder Suzy Sheep?
Boris: No. I MEAN-
Daddy Pig: AH-HA! GOTCHA!
Scott the Woz: Objection, your honor! My client was simply in a silly, goofy mood that day!
Judge Stickleback: Ah, understandable.
Mummy Sheep: NO! NOT UNDERSTANDABLE!
Judge Stickleback: Oh okay.
Scott the Woz: NO! IT IS VERY UNDERSTANDABLE! I have a no-win no-fee policy! I’m mad!
Daddy Pig: lol loser
Scott the Woz: Gonna do a YouTube video on this courthouse, I swear to God.
Judge Stickleback: A good YouTube video, or a bad one?
Scott the Woz: It’s gonna be a ScumBob YouTube video.
Judge Stickleback: Well shit. Well we can’t have that! Sorry, Mummy Sheep, but I’m going to have to once again rule in favour of the defendant.
Mummy Sheep: But- but- Boris LITERALLY just confessed to everything!
Scott the Woz: He’s a politician! He’s insane! We can’t trust one single word that comes out of his mouth.
Boris: Hey-
Scott the Woz: Sorry man, it’s not personal. I just REALLY need to afford an extra copy of Flingsmash tonight.
Daddy Pig: What is a “Flingsmash”?
Scott the Woz: (sighs) See your honor? The plaintiffs don’t even know what Flingsmash is! How can we trust their claims against my client?
Judge Stickleback: I honestly don’t know what Flingsmash is either, sorry.
Scott the Woz: BRUH
Scott the Woz: You can borrow one of my copies if you want. 
[Scott the Woz pulls out a copy of Flingsmash and hands it to the judge.]
Judge Stickleback: You carry this around with you at all times?
Scott the Woz: I like to be prepared.
Mummy Sheep: Oh my fucking God. Look, judge, can we please just rule in my favour?
Judge Stickleback: Oh okay. Is the jury satisfied with this conclusion?
[The camera pans over to the jury.]
Patrick Star: I don’t even know, I thought this was the movie theater.
Judge Stickleback: Well then it’s settled. I, Judge Stickleback, sentence Boris Johnson to prison for life for the murder of Suzy Sheep.
[The judge bangs their hammer. The audience gasps.]
Mummy Sheep: GET IN!!!!
Daddy Pig: LET’S FUCKING GOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Boris: A- A… life sentence?
[Rees-Mogg suddenly wakes up from his lie-down.]
Rees-Mogg: GAH! What’s happening? Did I miss anything important?
Boris: I’m going back to prison.
Rees-Mogg: Whoopsie.
Scott the Woz: I don’t understand! I bribed the judge with Flingsmash and everything!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I- I can’t believe it… we won.
[Cut to Boris Johnson exiting the courthouse. The swarm of press are still there, frantically snapping pictures of Boris.]
Perch Perkins: This just in folks! Boris Johnson is exiting the courthouse as we speak, and I don’t think the verdict here could be clearer.
[A police van pulls up. Police Officer Panda and Squirrel step out.]
Police Officer Panda: Looks like someone’s been a naughty boy.
Boris: Shut up.
[The police officers handcuff Boris.]
Police Officer Squirrel: You have the right to remain silent.
Boris: (sighs) And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling Daddy Pig.
[Jacob Rees-Mogg comes rushing out of the courthouse, looking visibly distressed.]
Rees-Mogg: No, wait! Please don’t lock up my precious scrunkly!
Boris: Don’t worry Moggy Boy, everything will be fine.
Rees-Mogg: But… but… I’ll miss you… Liz Truss will miss you… Priti Patel will miss you… even Keir Starmer will miss you!
[Cutaway to Keir Starmer throwing a party in the House of Commons. Cut back.]
Boris: It’s going to be okay, Jacob. We’re going to get through this. And when I get out, we can have as much gay sex as we want!
Police Officer Squirrel: You know you have a life sentence, right?
Boris: GOD FUCKING DAMNNIT!
Police Officer Panda: Alright, let’s pack it up people.
[Boris is shoved into a police van.]
Rees-Mogg: I’ll visit Peppa Pig World every day in your honour. 
[A tear falls from Jacob’s eye.]
Rees-Mogg: Cricket just won’t be the same without you, sir.
Boris: Please visit me.
Rees-Mogg: I will. 
Boris: It has been an honour to be the bottom to the best top in the world… but, as they say… them’s the breaks.
[The police van drives off. Jacob Rees-Mogg bursts into a flood of tears. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep approach him.]
Daddy Pig: So… are they both gay or-
[Floods of press start flooding the three.]
Perch Perkins: Mummy Sheep, what are you going to do now that Boris Johnson has finally been brought to justice over the murder of beloved LGBTQ+ rights activist Suzy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: Well I, um, heh-
Reporter 1: Jacob Rees-Mogg, is it true that you’re a bottom?
Rees-Mogg: Absolutely. 
Reporter 2: Mr. Daddy Pig, can you confirm nor deny the rumours about your recent weight gains to your tummy?
Daddy Pig: I have NOT gained weight in my tummy!
Reporter 3: Holy fuck, is that Scott the Woz?
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
[Exterior shot of Shady Shoals Retirement Home. SpongeBob and Squidward enter and approach the receptionist.]
Squidward: Hey, um… we’re here to see Eugene Harold Krabs.
[Cut to the two entering Mr. Krabs’ room.]
Squidward: Hey Eugene… how’s it, um… going?
[Mr. Krabs slams his claw on his desk.]
Mr. Krabs: Now THAT was a fantastic orgasm!
SpongeBob: Oh, um, sorry… are we interrupting... something? 
[Mr. Krabs holds up a copy of the book “Funnybones”.]
Mr. Krabs: Not at all, boys! Have you seen these Funnybones? My my, what a THUMPING good read!
Squidward: Isn’t that a book for children?
SpongeBob: I thought it was a pretty good read.
Squidward: Still meant for children.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, and?
SpongeBob: You know, Squidward, maybe it’s a good thing that Mr. Krabs is stuck here now. 
Squidward: He’ll be with the people he loves soon.
SpongeBob: In Heaven?
Squidward: No, with the corpses at the cemetery.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs is a necrophile.
Mr. Krabs: Oh great, now I’m hearing voices.
SpongeBob: Don’t mind him, Mr. Krabs. He’s just the narrator.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you two again?
SpongeBob: It’s SpongeBob and Squidward! You remember us, right?
Mr. Krabs: I have never seen you two before in my life. (holds up the book again) Have you seen these Funnybones?
SpongeBob: Good book.
Squidward: IT’S FOR CHILDREN!
SpongeBob: YOUR MOM’S FOR CHILDREN!
[Squidward runs out of the room crying.]
SpongeBob: Anyway, um, Mr. Krabs…..? You see we… I mean, Squidward actually was the one who suggested it, and I usually don’t like doing this but quite frankly our other options are pretty much nonexistent right now-
Mr. Krabs: Quit yapping your mouth and get to the fucking point.
SpongeBob: We need money.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you again?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is serious!
Mr. Krabs: (holds up the book again) Have you seen these Funnybones?
SpongeBob: Yes! And it’s a great book! But before you went senile, you owed The Krusty Krab’s landlord one morbillion dollars! Squidward and I don’t have that money! But you-
Mr. Krabs: Me? This doesn’t sound like my problem. I don’t even know who you are!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you are one of the richest crustaceans out there! If we don’t pay off this debt soon, your entire enterprise you’ve worked so hard for is gonna go POOF!
Mr. Krabs: Poof?
SpongeBob: Please, Mr. Krabs… everything’s been changing around here recently… The Krusty Krab has been the one constant in my life for the last two decades… I don’t want to let go.
[Pause. Squidward re-enters.]
Squidward: And, um, if you have some money left over I wouldn’t mind a little drop going into my bank account.
[The TV flickers onto a news report.]
SpongeBob: YOOO! DADDY PIG’S TRIAL IS ON TV!
Mr. Krabs: Wait how did the TV turn on like that? Who’s Daddy Pig? What’s a TV?
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -and that’s right, folks. UK prime minister Boris Johnson has been found GUILTY of murdering Suzy Sheep!
Mr. Krabs: Seriously, how did the TV turn on all by itself? It has never done that before, I swear.
SpongeBob: They… they won. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep won!
Squidward: You didn’t tell me their trial was against the prime minister, SpongeBob.
Mr. Krabs: HOW DID THE TV TURN ON BY ITSELF LIKE THAT?!
Boris: (on TV) It’s going to be okay, Jacob. We’re going to get through this. And when I get out, we can have as much gay sex as we want!
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) The British prime minister is in prison? He… he shot Suzy Sheep?
Squidward: Well yeah I thought it was obvious. We’ve known this for months now.
Mr. Krabs: You know what this means, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: We get the rest of the day off?
Mr. Krabs: No! This be but a harbinger of what I fear lies ahead. For you, for me, for all of the Daddy Pig Continuum! Suzy Sheep’s preachings are what tie us all together! If Boris Johnson killed her, there will be a complete breakdown of social order! A war against all! Dark times are ahead! Dark times indeed… 
[Mr. Krabs falls on his face.]
Squidward: Seriously?
[Mr. Krabs gets up.]
Squidward: Aren’t you overreacting a bit?
[The entire fucking world suddenly shifts into a post-apocalyptic phase a la Mad Max.]
Mr. Krabs: Welcome back to the apocalypse, Mr. Squidward. I hope you like leather.
Squidward: Well I’m not above BDSM.
[SpongeBob looks out the window. The entire opposite street is now on fire and citizens are running around and screaming.]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what the flying FUCK did you do?
Mr. Krabs: It wasn’t me, me boy! It was that Mr. Johnson! The world’s been losing faith in the government for months, and me thinks this was the final straw.
SpongeBob: Since when did you follow British politics?
Mr. Krabs: Who?
Squidward: Well at least it can’t get any worse than this.
SpongeBob: Is now a good time to mention that I’m a femboy?
Squidward: God fucking damnnit. 
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -and now in a drastic turn of events, it appears that the entire fucking world is now in the middle of an apocalypse. If this humble news reporter has any advice for any viewers at home, it’s for you to RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!
[Perch runs off screaming. Cut to 10 Downing Street. Liz Truss gets out of bed.]
Liz Truss: (yawns) What a lovely day to be prime minister!
[Liz Truss looks out of the window, noticing the ongoing apocalypse.]
Liz Truss: …fuck this.
[Priti Patel enters.]
Priti Patel: Hey, Liz. Sorry to interrupt your lay-in but-
Liz Truss: I quit.
Priti Patel: What?
Liz Truss: I quit. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. 
Priti Patel: But- but- you’ve only been prime minister for a month! You can’t just bail out like this!
Liz Truss: Eh, I’ve already killed the Queen and tanked the economy, there’s not really much else I can do. First this country imports two thirds of its cheese, and now it has a whole fucking apocalypse! I… I just can’t stand this, I really can’t. Later, bitch.
[Liz Truss jumps out the fucking window.]
Priti Patel: Huh.
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig driving through the chaos.]
Mummy Sheep: What the FUCK happened here?!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! Are they storming the Capitol again?
[Suddenly, a large truck pulls out in front of Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep. The two scream. Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff jump out of the truck in their apocalyptic attire.]
Mummy Sheep: Madame Gazelle?
Daddy Pig: Mrs. Puff?!
Madame Gazelle: I told you she was over here, Poppy.
Mrs. Puff: Yeah, yeah, rub it in, won’t you?!
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep get out of their car.]
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry, and excuse my language, but… WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Puff: Isn’t it obvious?
Mummy Sheep: No, not really.
Madame Gazelle: Our own old prime minister was just arrested for murdering Suzy Sheep last year, beloved LGBTQ+ rights activist and friend to many!
Mummy Sheep: Well yeah but-
Mrs. Puff: Suzy Sheep symbolised our fight against oppression, our right to live!
Madame Gazelle: If the government is against Suzy, then we’re against the government.
Daddy Pig: So… you’re rioting?
Madame Gazelle: Ohhhhh, not for long.
Daddy Pig: What’s that supposed to mean?
Mummy Sheep: Look, we were all hurt by Suzy’s death, and I should know that - I’m Suzy’s mother! But-
Mrs. Puff: Oh that’s exactly it. Suzy may be gone, but we still have the next best thing!
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: What are you-
[Madame Gazelle pulls out a fucking shotgun.]
Madame Gazelle: You’re coming with us, sister.
Mummy Sheep: WHAT?!!!!!
Mrs. Puff: (maniacal laugh) We’re going to sacrifice you to the Suzy Sheep gods, and then everything will be normal again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
[Mummy Sheep turns to Daddy Pig.]
Mummy Sheep: They’ve gone bloody insane.
Daddy Pig: We probably best be going.
Mummy Sheep: Yeah.
[The two quickly jump back into their car and speed off in the opposite direction.]
Mrs. Puff: OUR SACRIFICE IS GETTING AWAY!
Madame Gazelle: WELL DON’T JUST STAND THERE! AFTER THEM!
[Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle hop back in their truck and accelerate down the crowded street in full pursuit of Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Um… Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Sheep: WHAT IS IT?!!!!
Daddy Pig: They’re, um… gaining on us.
Mummy Sheep: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!
Daddy Pig: Calm down!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) I’m sorry, I’ve just never been in a LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION BEFORE!
[Scott the Woz pops up from the backseat.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here.
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig both scream. Scott looks out the window.]
Scott the Woz: Looks like the Wii Shop Channel closed again.
Mummy Sheep: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!!
Scott the Woz: I’m sorry, I left my phone at home so I couldn’t call an Uber and I REALLY needed a ride home from the courthouse, but then this whole apocalypse thing happened so I just kind of hid in your backseat. I’m sorry. Anyway, what are you guys up to-
[Mrs. Puff starts firing bullets at the vehicle.]
Scott the Woz: Ah. I see.
Daddy Pig: STEP ON IT, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: I’M TRYING! I’M TRYING!
[Mummy Sheep swerves the car to the left, narrowly avoiding Mrs. Puff’s bullets, and the group starts heading towards downtown Bikini Bottom.]
Madame Gazelle: Poppy! You absolute eejit! You’re supposed to HIT the vehicle with your bullets!
Mrs. Puff: I’m sorry Gigi, I’m not good with this kind of thing!
Madame Gazelle: Ay ay ay. Give that thing here.
[Madame Gazelle grabs the gun from Mrs. Puff.]
Madame Gazelle: Let me show you how we do it in France.
Mrs. Puff: I thought the French were cowards.
Madame Gazelle: (gasps) Mrs. Puff! That is a highly offensive racial stereotype.
Mrs. Puff: But it’s true, isn’t it?
Madame Gazelle: No comment.
[Madame Gazelle starts firing at Mummy Sheep’s car again.]
Daddy Pig: MUMMY SHEEP! THEY’RE GAINING ON US!
Scott the Woz: That’s bad, right?
[Scott the Woz gets fucking shot in the back of the head.]
Scott the Woz: Ugh!
[Scott’s face falls to the back of a headrest.]
Daddy Pig: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT SCOTT THE WOZ!
[Scott the Woz suddenly gets back up, holding the bullet in his hand.]
Scott the Woz: Guys, it’s just a NERF pellet, available from all good retailers - we’re fine. See?
[He shows Daddy Pig the bullet.]
Daddy Pig: Oh.
[Cut back to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff, still in pursuit of Mummy Sheep.]
Madame Gazelle: Poppy, why the fuck did you buy NERF bullets?
Mrs. Puff: THEY WERE CHEAPER, OKAY?!
Madame Gazelle: WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING APOCALYPSE RIGHT NOW! YOU COULD HAVE JUST STOLE THEM!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Puff: I wanted to help the economy.
Madame Gazelle: WHO CARES ABOUT THE ECONOMY?!
Mrs. Puff: I do! Have you ever fucked the economy before? I did it once and vowed I’d never go back to non-economy-related sexual intercourse ever again.
[Madame Gazelle just stares at Mrs. Puff.]
Mrs. Puff: What? My boyfriend started fucking corpses, it just made sense.
[Madame Gazelle points off into the distance.]
Mrs. Puff: What the hell is wrong with you?
Madame Gazelle: The road. It goes down.
Mrs. Puff: It don’t go down.
Madame Gazelle: It do go down!
[The camera pans out to reveal the two cars about to drive off a cliff.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Mummy Sheep, Daddy Pig, Scott the Woz, Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff are all about to kill themselves.
Mrs. Puff: OH SHIT!
Madame Gazelle: STOP THE TRUCK! STOP THE TRUCK!
Mrs. Puff: YOU’RE THE ONE DRIVING!
[Cut to Mummy Sheep’s car.]
Daddy Pig: HIT THE FUCKING BREAKS YOU DAMN WOMAN!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I’M NOT GOOD AT DRIVING! I BELONG IN THE KITCHEN!!!!
Daddy Pig: THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU HAVE A CAR?!!!!!
Mummy Sheep: I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!!! WE’RE BEING CHASED BY A PAIR OF MANIACS! WE’RE GOING TO DIE EITHER WAY!
Scott the Woz: Before we all die, I just need to confess one thing… CHIBI ROBO ZIP-LASH ISN’T THAT BAD OF A GAME, OKAY?! ALRIGHT I SAID IT!
[The group screams as they drive straight off of the cliff, Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle following them. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep cling to each other tightly as they prepare for their death.]
Daddy Pig: I LOVE YOU, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: I LOVE YOU TOO! AT LEAST… I THOUGHT I DID.
Daddy Pig: WHAT?!
Mummy Sheep: I’M SORRY, DADDY PIG! I THINK I’M A LESBIAN!
Daddy Pig: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUC-
[The car suddenly stops falling. The camera pans out to reveal PenisMan holding the car up in the air. Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle fall into the abyss in the background.]
Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep, Scott the Woz: (gasp) PenisMan!
PenisMan: I SMELL AN ORGASM!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: I need a better catchphrase, I know, I know.
[PenisMan notices Scott the Woz.]
PenisMan: Didn’t I stop you from robbing a CeX one time?
Scott the Woz: No.
PenisMan: …okay then.
Daddy Pig: PenisMan! What are you doing here?
PenisMan: Uh, saving you? What does it look like?
Mummy Sheep: How the hell did you find us? I mean, I’m grateful you did but-
PenisMan: I will get you up to speed later. Right now, we just need to focus on getting Mummy Sheep as safe as possible.
[PenisMan looks down to the ground, where Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff lay.]
PenisMan: …are those two okay?
Scott the Woz: They’re just resting.
PenisMan: Ah.
[A black screen appears, with text reading “And now for something completely different…”. We cut to a jail facility. Text wipes across the bottom left of the screen reading “Central Virginia Regional Jail”. Cut to an overweight woman in her cell watching TV.]
Reporter: (on TV) -and that was Ian Hawke promoting his new autobiography “Yes, I Stole the Chipmunks”. In other news, as you have probably heard, riots have been taking place across the entire western world after the British court system included that former UK prime minister Boris Johnson was indeed guilty of murdering Suzy Sheep. In this humble reporters opinion, I urge all viewers to FUCKING BURN THE PLACE TO THE GROUND! WE DEMAND PROPER JUSTICE FOR SUZY! MURDER BORIS! KILL BORIS! DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!
[The reporter runs towards the camera and smashes it on the ground.]
Chris Chan: (watching the report, she sighs) It’s absolutely insane that they don’t show My Little Pony on jail TVs. I haven’t been able to see Cryzel Rosechu and Magi-chan Sonichu ever since I got locked up in this joint. Those damn no-good jerkops owe me some quality entertainment at the very least. And another thing-
[Chris Chan fucking shits herself.]
Chris Chan: (sigh) I miss my darling Barbara.
[Suddenly, the sound of keys are heard. Chris Chan’s cell door swings wide open.]
Chris Chan: (sigh) How many times do I have to tell you jerkops?! I AM NOT EATING YOUR DAMN PICKLES!
[The camera pans over to reveal that it was a fellow inmate who opened the door.]
Prisoner: Chris, it’s me, Alan. 
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’ve told you a hundred times already! My name’s Mrs. Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, Goddess of the Nations of Cwcville, Comma, and the Commodore Consoles, and the One True and Honest Creator and Chronicillor of Sonichu and Rosechu.
Prisoner: …whatever. We’re all busting out of this place.
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’m a bit busy right now. I’m writing the next Sonichu issue.
[Chris points to some crudely drawn Sonichu panels she has drawn in chalk on the walls of her cell.]
Prisoner: Chris, are you fucking blind? You saw the news right?! Boris Johnson killed Suzy Sheep! This is a massive act of war on the gay community!
Chris Chan: You mean the SLGBTQ+ community?
Prisoner: Sure. Complete anarchy has broken out on a global scale, and everyone’s busting out. If you’d rather stay here, that’s your problem.
[The prison walks off, leaving the door open.]
Chris Chan: Complete anarchy?
[Chris Chan looks out the window of her cell, and notices the apocalypse occurring outside.]
Chris Chan: No… it can’t be… the dimensional merge is happening early!
???: HEY!
[Chris Chan turns around to reveal a jerkop by her cell door.]
Jerkop: Your door is supposed to be closed. How’d you get the key?
Chris Chan: You’ll pay for what you’ve done to me. Taking me away from my Barbara.
Jerkop: What the-
Chris Chan: I’ve sat around in this place for long enough, and today’s finally the day you’ll face my wrath.
Jerkop: Okay, um… take it easy, Christine.
[Chris Chan takes a deep breath in and draws her cupped hands to his side. She concentrates all her energy before thrusting her hands towards the jerkop.]
Chris: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A large beam of fire comes out from her hands and towards the jerkop, brutally murdering him in the process. A security guard looks out of their booth and sees the jerkop getting decimated. They pull out a radio.]
Security: Um, I think we need backup at cell 40.
Jerkop 2: (on other end of radio) Aw Jesus not this fucker again…
[A bunch more jerkops run over to Chris Chan’s cell, armed.]
Chris Chan: Don’t call anybody! Don’t call anybody!
[Cut to a group of prisoners tunnelling an escape. The prisoner who unlocked Chris Chan’s cell runs up and joins them.]
Prisoner 2: Hey! What the hell took you so long?
Prisoner: I was with Chris.
Prisoner 3: (smirks) Chris Chan?
Prisoner 2: Why the fuck were you helping her escape?
Prisoner: I wasn’t. I was just making a distraction.
[Cut back to Chris Chan surrounded by jerkops.]
Jerkop 3: Step back into your cell and nobody gets hurt!
Chris Chan: (sigh) I’m a nice guy really, I don’t understand why everyone has to pick on me.
Jerkop 2: We’re not picking on you. Just step back into your cell and everything is okay.
Chris Chan: You know what? I’ve followed your orders long enough, it’s time for you to follow mine. My first order? Get… CURSED!
[Chris Chan shoots another ball of fire at the jerkops. They scream as they fucking burn to death.]
Chris Chan: YOU!
[Chris Chan points to an alive jerkop in the distance.]
Chris Chan: You over there!
[The jerkop starts shaking with fear, and puts their hands up.]
Jerkop: D-d-d-don’t curse me bro!
Chris Chan: Where’s all this anarchy coming from?
[The jerkop starts backing up.]
Jerkop: I-i-i-i-it’s coming fr–fr-fr-fr-fr-from Peppa Pig World! Just please don’t kill me!
[The jerkop runs off in fear.]
Chris Chan: Well I’m not sure what their problem was. Peppa Pig World, huh? Don’t worry, Sonichu… mama’s coming! Zap to the extreme!
[Chris Chan Naruto-dashed out of the prison. The screen wipes over to PenisMan flying Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and Scott the Woz towards Sandy’s Treedome.]
PenisMan: Don’t worry. The Penis Lair located underneath the Treedome is completely impenetrable. We’ll be safe here.
Mummy Sheep: Isn’t the treedome literally made out of glass?
PenisMan: No comment.
[The group enter the treedome and enter Sandy’s treehouse. A replica of the famous David statue sits inside. PenisMan flicks David’s penis up, and a secret staircase opens up within the floor.]
PenisMan: Ladies first.
Mummy Sheep: Aw… thank you.
[Mummy Sheep leads the group downstairs and into the Penis Lair.]
PenisMan: Welcome… to the Penis Lair!
[The camera pans out to reveal a grand laboratory ala the Batcave.]
Hash Brown: Ugh, how many times do I have to tell ya, you twat?!!! This is not called the Penis Lair!!!!!!!!!!
PenisMan: Sorry. I just thing the “Penis Lair” has a nice ring to it.
Scott the Woz: Woah. What is this place?!
[Sandy walks in the room.]
Sandy: Only the secret headquarters of the Poundland Avengers.
Scott the Woz: Woah… you mean the headquarters of thee Poundland Avengers?
PenisMan: The Penis Lair!
Hash Brown: IT’S NOT CALLED THE PENIS LAIR!
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: Ahem. Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell, I, Hash Brown, am the leader of the Poundland Avengers.
Sandy: I mean, I do most of the work.
Hash Brown: Yeah, but this initiative was all my idea.
[Super Potato walks in with SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs.]
Super Potato: What do you want me to do with these folks, Hash Brown?
SpongeBob: (gasp) DADDY PIG!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig rush towards each other and embrace.]
SpongeBob: I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE OKAY!
Daddy Pig: Me too, pal, me too.
Mr. Krabs: Who are these people again?
Scott the Woz: Well-
Squidward: He has severe Alzheimer’s, don’t even bother. He’s only with us because we were trying to wrangle money out of him.
PenisMan: You realise you’re in the headquarters of a vigilante organisation right now, right?
Squidward: Pretend I never said anything. 
Daddy Pig: Okay, I am very confused right now. If you don’t mind me asking, what actually is going on?!
Sandy: Good question. 
Hash Brown: You see, when Boris Johnson was found guilty of murdering Suzy Sheep-
Squidward: It triggered mass global hysteria to the point that we’re basically in the middle of an apocalypse right now. Yeah, we know.
Hash Brown: Well, I wouldn’t call it mass GLOBAL hysteria. Suzy was a beloved queer rights activist. Iran’s normal right now.
SpongeBob: So what’s the plan then? Are we all moving to Iran?
Daddy Pig: Sounds good to me.
Scott the Woz: I can’t move to Iran! There’s no Nintendo there!
Sandy: Guys, we are not moving to Iran. Right now, society is at its most vulnerable. Which is why we’re dedicated to keeping everyone safe. Whether that’s the elderly-
Mr. Krabs: Is she talking about me?
Sandy: -or the disabled-
SpongeBob: I’m only a high functioning autistic!
Sandy: -or the people closest to Suzy Sheep like Suzy’s mom-
Mummy Sheep: Hi.
Sandy: -Suzy’s mom’s husband-
Mummy Sheep: Actually, um… I’m uh-
Daddy Pig: We are having a long talk together, Mummy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Look, I’m sorry I-
Sandy: Can you two just sort this out later?! Thank you.
SpongeBob: Okay, so… let me get this straight. What you’re saying is that we’re all gonna hide in here like it’s a bunker or something until the apocalypse dies down?
Sandy: Pretty much.
Squidward: Well this sucks.
Mr. Krabs: Will I still be able to have my game of Chess with the boys later?!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, the world is ending.
Mr. Krabs: What?!
Squidward: The world is ending!
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?!
Squidward: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
[Mr. Krabs gets an erection.]
Hash Brown: Look guys, I know everything seems bleak right now, but we really don’t have any other options.
Daddy Pig: I thought moving to Iran was a pretty good idea.
SpongeBob: No… this can’t be true… the world isn’t really ending, is it?!
Sandy: (sigh) SpongeBob… I… I don’t really know what to say.
SpongeBob: No… the world can’t be ending! Sq-Sq-Squidward and I still have to pay our debt and save The Krusty Krab! Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep JUST got married!
Mummy Sheep: Well, actually-
Daddy Pig: (sigh) Mummy Sheep…
Mummy Sheep: …Daddy Pig… I’m sorry. I thought we were going to die; I didn’t know what else to do and I just blurted it out!
[Daddy Pig looks disappointed.]
Daddy Pig: No…
Mummy Sheep: I like girls, okay?! Women with big jiggly titties!
PenisMan: Oh wow.
Mummy Sheep: Boobies. Vaginas. Mmmm…… gorgeous.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Sheep doesn’t like men.
Daddy Pig: I-I-I-I-I just don’t understand! You proposed to me!
[Daddy Pig takes his wedding ring off.]
Daddy Pig: You gave me this ring! …did you never really love me? W-w-was… was this all for nothing?
Mummy Sheep: …
Daddy Pig: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MUMMY SHEEP!
Mummy Sheep: (sigh) I mean… admit it, you only love me because I’m a pornstar.
Daddy Pig: Well, duh. Your ass is absolutely massive!
Mummy Sheep: I… I… I guess I’ve just suppressed these feelings all these years and… when I was shooting the porn with Zoltan’s Mum, I guess… I guess it just felt… right!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep likes Zoltan’s Mum.
Daddy Pig: What the hell?! You’re leaving me for… another prostitute?
Mummy Sheep: No! Of course not. She seems pretty happy with Scatman John.
Super Potato: Actually, Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman John broke up.
Mummy Sheep: AW FUCK YEAH! I’M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER PROSTITUTE!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I guess… I guess this was never going to work anyway.
Mummy Sheep: Yeah… I’m sorry I broke up your wedding with Mummy Pig, I was just… I don’t know, jealous?
Daddy Pig: It’s okay. So… I mean… I guess… 
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Is this it for us?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: …I guess so. 
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: …I’m sorry… for everything… I really am.
[SpongeBob starts crying.]
SpongeBob: It’s just so sad! (cries)
Squidward: Oh shut up.
[Squidward passes SpongeBob a box of tissues.]
Squidward: Here.
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Squidward: Still a better love story than Twilight.
[Pause.]
Hash Brown: I’m sorry, are- …are we done?
Mummy Sheep: Oh right, yeah, sorry.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, we’re done.
Hash Brown: Good. Well, now that we’ve settled that, I’ll show you to your temporary accommodation until this whole thing dies down.
Scott the Woz: What?!
Hash Brown: I mean, this apocalypse is going to last a while. The rooms we’ve set out aren’t the most tidy or anything but-
Squidward: You had spare rooms just lying around in anticipation of this very specific situation?
Hash Brown: Yes. The Poundland Avengers pride themselves on being prepared for any circumstance.
SpongeBob: Look, I’m sorry, but… we’ve gotten through apocalypses before. When Burger Beard stole the Krabby Patty secret formula, remember?!
Sandy: SpongeBob, that was just in Bikini Bottom. We’re talking about distress on a global scale here.
Daddy Pig: I still think we should move to Iran.
SpongeBob: I-I-I… I’m not going to sit here and let the whole world fall apart. 
Sandy: SpongeBob, what do you want us to do?! Travel back in time and prevent Suzy Sheep from ever being murdered?
SpongeBob: Exactly!
Mummy Sheep: Wait… you really think you could time travel and bring my daughter back?
SpongeBob: I don’t see why not.
Daddy Pig: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Look, I’ve dabbled in time travel before, I’m basically an expert at it, but trust me - it is dangerous.
SpongeBob: Well, then we’ll just have to be extra careful!
Hash Brown: It’s too risky. I’m not letting a… sponge and some kind of daddy pig fuck up the entire space time continuum just to bring back one person!
SpongeBob: But she’s not just one person! Suzy Sheep was an inspiration to everyone! That’s why the world is so hurt but such an important man like Boris having murdered her! It’s simple - Daddy Pig and I will go back in time, stop Suzy from ever dying, and everything will be back to normal!
Hash Brown: What the hell do you think this is? Some kind of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Movie: The Breaking Bad Cut?
Sandy: I am not letting you two time travel. Preventing an event that happened an entire year ago now could have dire consequences.
SpongeBob: Well… we’ll just have to find another way to bring back Suzy then!
Squidward: Oh, puh-lease. It’s not like we know a guy who can magically bring people back from the dead or anything!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Hang on… I know a guy who can magically bring back people from the dead or anything!
[Cut to Chris Chan, who is heavily panting as she runs across an empty motorway. She stops in her tracks, completely out of breath.]
Chris Chan: Oh, Jesus Christ… that was some serious parkour I just did. Wait, I am Jesus Christ. Anyhow, at least I’m well away from those jerkops now.
[The camera pans out, revealing that the prison is still visible in the background behind Chris. She turns around.]
Chris Chan: Gosh darnit! If I don’t get to Peppa Pig World soon, my darlings Cryzel Rosechu, Magi-chan Sonichu and Mewtwo will be worried sick! What I need… is some transport…
[Chris looks off into the distance to see a gas station.]
Chris Chan: Yes! My vehicle quest is finally over! ZAP TO THE EXTREME!
[Chris Chan rushes over to the gas station. There is a hoard of people in apocalyptic attire outside, filling up buckets with gasoline.]
Chris Chan: ‘Scuse me ladies, gentlemen, dudes of all teenages, as well as the, uh, gals.
[Chris Chan walks into the gas station.]
Person: Wait, was that who I think it was?
Person 2: No idea, I just did an entire bong’s worth of weed, I can’t think straight right now.
[Some of the gasoline catches fire, blowing up one of the cars parked outside.]
Person 2: Just to be clear, was that the weed or-
Person: Nope, your car just blew up.
Person 2: Sick.
[Chris Chan approaches the counter in the gas station. She puts a can of Fanta down on the table.]
Chris Chan: Just this please.
[Chris notices there is no employee behind the cash register.]
Chris Chan: Huh. Well that’s no good. 
[Chris aimlessly checks her surroundings.]
Chris Chan: Hello? Is there anyone-
[Chris notices a scared employee cowering under the counter.]
Chris Chan: Oh hey, I’d like this Fanta please. Goes great with some of your own, um… cum. Chocolate syrup works too. Are you in the hedgehog stress pose? I do that too sometimes, mainly when those damn trolls are being mean to me. Like this one time, I was hugging this woman and she kept telling me to stop and-
Employee: Dude, the world is ending right now. There are people starting fires outside!
Chris Chan: Soooo… can I pay for my Fanta?
Employee: Just take it, I really don’t care.
Chris Chan: Huh. Well, that’s awfully kind of you. By the way, do you know where I can hire a car?
Employee: Bitch, did you not hear me?! The world is ending! Nothing matters anymore! Either hide out in here with me, or take your Fanta and run for your life!
Chris Chan: (sighs) You’re being so melodramatic right now. The world isn’t ending. The prophesied dimensional merge which will combine our dimension with that of the-
[The employee passes Chris a key.]
Chris Chan: Wh- What’s this?
Employee: My car keys. Just fucking go.
Chris Chan: But I didn’t finish explaining the dimensional-
Employee: JUST TAKE THE KEYS AND FUCKING GO!!!!!!
Chris Chan: OKAY I’M SORRY!
[Chris Chan walks out of the store with the keys, before immediately walking back in again.]
Chris Chan: Um, which car is yours agai-
Employee: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Chris Chan: OKAY!
[Cut to Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Scott the Woz leaving Sandy’s treedome.]
Daddy Pig: Alright, we just need to- 
[Mummy Sheep’s car fucking blows up due to the damage from the car chase.]
Daddy Pig: -shit.
Scott the Woz: I went before we left, I’m fine.
Daddy Pig: Okay, what now?
SpongeBob: Your car’s still at my pineapple, right?
Daddy Pig: It’s too far away, we shouldn’t be wandering around unprotected in this apocalypse.
SpongeBob: Good point, good point.
Scott the Woz: Where are we even going?
Daddy Pig: I’ll explain later, there’s no time. We just quickly need a mode of transport… oh shit.
[Exterior shot of Peppa Pig’s house. The windows and doors are barricaded up. Inside, the Pig family and Sikowitz are in the living room with the lights off. Sikowitz is scrolling through his phone.]
Sikowitz: …huh. It says here on Reddit that apparently Chris Chan escaped prison.
Mummy Pig: Who?
Sikowitz: You know, Chris Chan?
Mummy Pig: Never heard of him.
Sikowitz: Her, actually.
Mummy Pig: Oh right.
Sikowitz: Anyway, she fucked her mom and-
[Banging is heard at the front door.]
Mummy Pig: SHIT!
Sikowitz: What now?
Gary 3: Trespassers! 
[Sikowitz takes a sip of his coconut milk.]
Sikowitz: Eh.
Peppa: Mummy, why does our new daddy keep drinking that stuff?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Pig and Sikowitz are now married.
Sikowitz: This coconut gives me visions, small child.
[More banging is heard at the front door.]
Mummy Pig: Maybe if we just stay quiet… whoever’s out there will think we’re not in and they will go away.
[The front door gets kicked down, revealing SpongeBob and Daddy Pig on the other side.]
Daddy Pig: See? I told you my tummy was pure muscle!
Peppa: DADDY!
[Peppa and George rush over to hug Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Hello there, my little ones!
Peppa: I’ve missed you SO much!
[George holds out his dinosaur.]
George: Dine-saw! Grrrr!
Peppa: Even Mr. Dinosaur missed you, daddy!
Sikowitz: Hey, you’re supposed to call ME daddy!
[Mummy Pig approaches Daddy Pig.]
Mummy Pig: I… didn’t expect to see you here.
Daddy Pig: Me neither.
[Daddy Pig looks at Sikowitz.]
Daddy Pig: So… this is… your new husband now?
Mummy Pig: He’s… serviceable. 
Sikowitz: You know, I never got to thank you, SpongeBob and Daddy Pig, for your hospitality while you let me live in your quarters. But, I do have to say… I prefer it here a lot.
SpongeBob: (groans) Yeah, because of the children no doubt.
Mummy Pig: He keeps giving Peppa and George funny looks, but no one’s perfect I suppose.
Daddy Pig: Yeah…
Mummy Pig: So… how’s your new wife doing?
Daddy Pig: She… isn’t attracted to men.
Mummy Pig: Oh.
[Scott the Woz enters.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
Peppa: OH MY GOD! IT’S SCOTT THE WOZ! I WATCH YOUR VIDEOS ALL THE TIME!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Peppa is an epic gamer.
Scott the Woz: Thank you so much. It’s always so humbling to meet fans.
Sikowitz: I’m sorry, can we skip the small talk please? Why are you all here?
Daddy Pig: Ah, right. Well, you’re gonna have to hear me out on this one… but I have a plan to bring Suzy back from the dead and stop all this nonsense.
Peppa: (gasp) You’re really going to bring my girlfriend back?
Daddy Pig: That’s the plan.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, I’m sorry but… how?!
Daddy Pig: I’ve met a lot of people during my time as a structural engineer. One client once was this kid with magical autism powers who could revive any dead person!
Mummy Pig: Elmo 5?
Daddy Pig: You know them?!
Mummy Pig: How could I forget! Elmo 5’s weird incest family went on a road trip to Yemen in ONE DAY! It was amazing!
Sikowitz: Didn’t Chandler go to Yemen?
Scott the Woz: Actually it’s Changler, with a G.
Daddy Pig: In theory, all we need to do is find Elmo 5 and then everything will go back to normal!
Sikowitz: What kind of name is Elmo 5, anyway?
Scott the Woz: It’s actually a pretty common name in Ohio.
Sikowitz: Where?
Scott the Woz: Ohio.
Sikowitz: That’s not a real place.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, you’re a genius.
Daddy Pig: Well I am a bit of an expert at coming up with master plans. Mummy Pig, if we could just borrow your car then we will be on our way and we can-
Mummy Pig: Eh? I’m not letting you borrow my car, you filthy cheating liar!
Daddy Pig: But-
Mummy Pig: You cheated on me with a prostitute, TWICE! I can’t trust you with anything ever again.
SpongeBob: But Mummy Pig, the entire WORLD is at stake here! 
Scott the Woz: Yeah. I’m not one to hold a grudge, unless it’s against Madden 09 cover athlete Brett Favre, but can’t you two put aside your differences just for a second?
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: …I’m sorry. The answer is no.
Daddy Pig: Come on, Mummy Pig, please. How else are we supposed to save the world?
Peppa: And my girlfriend!
Daddy Pig: And Peppa’s girlfriend.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: (sighs) …alright, fine. I will lend you my car.
Daddy Pig: FUCK YEAH! 
SpongeBob: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!
[Daddy Pig, Scott the Woz and SpongeBob all high-five.]
Mummy Pig: BUT… I’m coming with you.
SpongeBob: What?
Mummy Pig: If you get even just ONE scratch on my car, you’re dead to me, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I can live with that… I think.
SpongeBob: I guess we’re all going on a road trip then…?
Peppa: ROAD TRIP TO SAVE MY GIRLFRIEND!
[Everyone cheers.]
Sikowitz: I’ll go grab my coconut milk!
[Sikowitz rushes off.]
Mummy Pig: …what d’you say we ditch him?
SpongeBob: Hell yeah.
[Exterior shot of the White House. A whole crowd of people are outside, attempting to storm in. Cut to Joe Biden, wearing full military gear, who is being escorted outside by an entire SWAT team.]
SWAT Member: Don’t worry, Mr. President sir, we’ll get you to the presidential bunker soon.
Joe Biden: Will there be children to sniff there?
SWAT Member: Of course.
Joe Biden: Thank you all so much. Someone really needs to do something about this whole apocalypse thing.
SWAT Member: Sir, you’re literally the president.
Joe Biden: Am I? Huh. You learn something new every day.
[Joe Biden’s phone starts ringing.]
Joe Biden: I’m so sorry.
[Biden picks up the phone.]
Joe Biden: G’ello?
[The SWAT members start firing their guns at rioters in the distance.]
Joe Biden: Sex with animals? There’s no time, man! …uh-huh? …yeah, I’m about to get on the plane right now, man. I ain’t got time for this…
[Joe Biden pulls out a bottle of water from his pocket and starts drinking it. He suddenly spits it all out.]
Joe Biden: CHRIS CHAN’S ESCAPED? Oh Jesus Christ, I knew our police were completely incompetent and racist but what the fuck, dude?! …yeah, OBVIOUSLY we need to do something about it. Send the police after the literal motherfucker! …CHRIS CURSE-YE-HAME-HA’D THEM?! 
[At this point, Joe Biden has begun boarding his private jet.]
Joe Biden: …well, we need all of the police force on full guard to stop the rioters and restore order and all that jazz. I don’t know, you come up with something… Oh yeah, I AM the president! Well, I, uh… I know exactly what to do, chief. Send in the big guns.
[Closeup shot of three motorcycles exiting a garage somewhere. The three zoom off, revealing them to be three men wearing pickle costumes. Cut to Daddy Pig and SpongeBob driving in Mummy Pig’s car. Scott the Woz, Mummy Pig and Peppa and George are all crammed in the backseat.]
All: SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS 
SpongeBob: JEANS
All: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
Peppa: WITH THE FURRRRRRRRR
All: AND THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
SHE HIT THE FLOOR
Daddy Pig: SHE HIT THE FLOOR
All: NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW
THEM BAGGY SWEATBANTS AND THE REEBOK’S WITH THE STRAPS
Mummy Pig: WITH THE STRAPS
All: SO TURN AROUND AND GIVE THAT BIG BOOTY A SLAM
AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
SHE HIT THE FLOOR
Peppa: SHE HIT THE FLOOR
All: NEXT THING YOU KNOW
SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW
[The song ends.]
Scott the Woz: Uh, sorry to break this whole thing up but I’m not entirely sure this radio station is appropriate for children.
Peppa: Bruh. I literally stan Meghan Thee Stallion.
Mummy Pig: Yeah! Don’t tell me how to raise my children.
Scott the Woz: I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry.
SpongeBob: Can we put on Kim Petras now? I like the song where she sings about her tiddies.
Mummy Pig: Ooh! Me too!
Daddy Pig: Jesus Christ, Mummy Pig! Please don’t tell me you’re a lesbian too.
Peppa: What’s wrong with being a lesbian?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Peppa Pig is a lesbian.
Daddy Pig: Nothing, Peppa, nothing.
Peppa: Good. Because I love women and there’s NOTHING you can do about it.
Daddy Pig: I mean, men aren’t that bad.
Mummy Pig: (scolding him) DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What?! I’m just saying, it would be nice to have some grandchildren.
Peppa: For the last time daddy, I like big-assed women!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) Fine. At least there’s always George.
George: Dine-saw! Grrrrr!
SpongeBob: You know, Daddy Pig, I think this is actually the first time I’ve met your children.
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah! Peppa, George, this is SpongeBob.
Peppa: That’s a dumbass name.
SpongeBob: I get that a lot.
Scott the Woz: I wish people would say I had a dumbass name…
Mummy Pig: Honestly SpongeBob, I have no idea how you put up with Daddy Pig for so long. If I were you, I would have kicked him out eventually. 
SpongeBob: Funny you mention that-
Daddy Pig: Now, now, SpongeBob, let’s not dwell on detail.
[The group pass a sign reading “Now leaving Peppa Pig World…” On the other side of the road, Chris Chan in their car enters Peppa Pig World.]
Chris Chan: …I finally made it. Peppa Pig World.
[Cut to Chris Chan entering the Peppa Pig World town centre. She steps out of her vehicle.]
Chris Chan: Fear not, hapless citizens of the world of Peppa Pig! It is I - the one and only Mrs. Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, Goddess of the Nations of Cwcville, Comma, and the Commodore Consoles, and the One True and Honest Creator and Chronicillor of Sonichu and Rosechu, and I am here to save the day!
[The apocalyptic citizens briefly stop and stare at Chris, before immediately resuming their infighting and vandalism, etc., etc.]
Chris Chan: Pfffffft… I guess they’re taking this whole dimensional merge easier than I thought they would.
[Sikowitz starts walking down the street, mumbling to himself.]
Sikowitz: Can’t believe they left without me, fucking idiots…
[Sikowitz approaches Chris, still sipping on his coconut milk.]
Sikowitz: This coconut milk is strong stuff, I tell ya.
Chris Chan: Mmm-hmmm.
[Sikowitz stops sipping.]
Sikowitz: Heyyyy, I know you! I saw your penis on the Cwcki! 
Chris Chan: Oh, heh, a fan I see? Not my proudest moment, though I must admit I am indeed pretty good in bed. My mother would vouch for me.
Sikowitz: Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?
Chris Chan: When the dimensional merge is happening? Someone has to oversee it.
Sikowitz: Dimensional merge? Huh… so that’s what this is.
Chris Chan: Yeah. You see, our dimension, Earth C-1218, is colliding with that of Earth C-197, where all of everyone’s OCs, superheroes, and My Little Ponies reside. As the CPU Goddess of this world, it is my sworn duty to watch over the merge and make sure it all goes smoothly.
Sikowitz: Makes perfect sense.
Chris Chan: I know, right?! I just… I just thought that maybe the whole process would go a bit quicker than this, you know?
Sikowitz: I know.
[Pause.]
Chris Chan: …sooooooooooooooo… you come here often?
Sikowitz: Live here actually. With my wife.
Chris Chan: Awwww, I bet she’s a doll.
Sikowitz: Eh, a bit too old for me personally but it is what it is. 
Chris Chan: Does she have a name?
Sikowitz: Mummy Pig.
Chris Chan: Why’d they call her that?
Sikowitz: Because she’s a mommy and she’s a pig.
Chris Chan: Huh.
Sikowitz: Yeah she’s a good one. Gone to stop the apocalypse, actually.
Chris Chan: …what?
Sikowitz: I said she’s gone to stop this whole apocalypse. Save the world and all that.
[Chris Chan starts breathing heavily and makes groaning noises.]
Sikowitz: Are you… are you okay?!
[Chris Chan starts throwing a tantrum. She angrily jumps up and down like a manchild.]
Chris Chan: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sikowitz: Jesus Christ mate. Here, have some coconut mil-
[Chris Chan knocks the coconut milk out of Sikowitz’s hand.]
Chris Chan: SHE CAN’T STOP THE APOCALYPSE! IF SHE STOPS THE APOCALYPSE, SHE’LL STOP THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE AND I’LL NEVER GET TO MEET SONICHU, ROSECHU, CRYZEL SONICHU, MEWTWO AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND ACCESS MY MILLIONS FROM CWCVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sikowitz: Okay, okay, calm down kid-
Chris Chan: I AM FORTY YEARS OLD!
Sikowitz: FORTY YEARS OLD, WHAT THE FUCK? And I thought I was insane.
Chris Chan: WE NEED TO STOP MUMMY PIG BEFORE SHE RUINS EVERYTHING!
Sikowitz: Kid, I know you desperately want this whole dimensional merge delusion to play out, but she’s my wife! I can’t just go after her like this!
Chris Chan: I’ll buy you some more coconut milk.
Sikowitz: Hmmm…
[Cut to Chris Chan and Sikowitz driving in Chris’ car.]
All: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
AND THEY’RE LIKE, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS
DAMN RIGHT, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS
I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE
MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
AND THEY’RE LIK-
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig and everyone in their car.]
Peppa: Are we nearly there yet?
Daddy Pig: Not long now, Peppa.
SpongeBob: Do you even know where exactly we’re going?
Daddy Pig: Of course I do! I built this house, you know…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: …well, I built it a long while ago but…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Yeah okay fine, I don’t exactly know where it is-
Mummy Pig: Oh Daddy Pig! You always fucking do this!
Daddy Pig: Do what?
Mummy Pig: Just you and your half-assed promises, I’m sick of it. You say you have this big bold plan to save the day, and then you come out and say you don’t even fucking know where we’re going!
Peppa: Yeah, you tell him, Mummy!
SpongeBob: Hey, hey, can we all just calm down? I’m sure we can figure this out.
Scott the Woz: How? If we don’t know where to find this Elmo 5 guy then we’re kind of fucked.
Daddy Pig: I like being fucked.
[Everyone glares at Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: What? Mummy Pig used to peg me all the time, I loved it.
Mummy Pig: He did. I bet that whore Mummy Sheep never pegged you like that.
Daddy Pig: She’s a bit rich, but she was okay.
Mummy Pig: She’s a lesbian, she was never actually attracted to you. Unlike SOMEONE in this car was, until you started to go off and fucking cheat on me!!!!
Peppa: Mummy, Daddy, what does “peg” mean?
SpongeBob: Aren’t those the things you use to hang up your washing outside to dry?
Daddy Pig: I hate doing the bloody washing up.
Mummy Pig: Of course you do, you lazy git.
[The group drive past a strip club. Daddy Pig does a U-turn at a roundabout and starts driving back towards it.]
SpongeBob: Hey! Where are we going?!
Mummy Pig: Are we seriously taking a detour to go into a fucking strip club?!! 
Peppa: What’s a strip club?
Scott the Woz: We’re in the middle of an apocalypse, I doubt it would be even open.
Daddy Pig: Of course it’s open! Not even a global apocalyptic catastrophe could stop the sex industry.
[Daddy Pig parks the car outside the strip club.]
Mummy Pig: Oh my God, you horny bastard.
Peppa: What’s a horny bastard?
Daddy Pig: Not now, Peppa. Look, don’t you all realise what this place is?
SpongeBob: A degenerate club?
Mummy Pig: A place for horny bastards like you?
Peppa: I genuinely don’t understand half the words y’all are saying right now.
Daddy Pig: Look, this is the Dirty Duck, only the finest adult entertainment venue in New Kelp City!
Mummy Pig: And you know this because…?
Daddy Pig: Because I’m a horny bastard, okay?! Trust me, if we’re gonna track down Elmo 5, we’re gonna need to go in here.
[Daddy Pig gets out of the car.]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Coming?
[SpongeBob gets out too.]
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig, you stay and watch the children.
Peppa: Aw.. but I want to go in the Dirty Duck! I like ducks, they’re cute.
George: Quack quack!
Daddy Pig: Scott the Woz?
Scott the Woz: Oh, no thanks, it would be against the strict code of virgin conduct.
Daddy Pig: You sure?
Scott the Woz: Do they have Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast in there?
[Cut to the trio entering the Dirty Duck. “Yeah!” by Usher is blasting at full volume through the club’s speakers.]
Scott the Woz: This isn’t Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast! You lied to me!
[SpongeBob starts covering his own eyes.]
SpongeBob: Ew… I- I… I don’t think I like this place.
Daddy Pig: Suit yourself. Just follow my lead, I’m a bit of an expert at strip clubs.
SpongeBob: Of course you are.
[Scott the Woz takes a deep breath.]
Scott the Woz: Pull yourself together, Scott, you can get through this.
[Daddy Pig looks over at one of the dancers.]
Daddy Pig: PWAH HOHO!
SpongeBob: What is it? I can’t see a thing.
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! AWOOGA! AWOOGA!
SpongeBob: Is awooga even a word? What does that even mean? 
Daddy Pig: It means I’m rock hard right now. 
SpongeBob: I hate you.
Daddy Pig: It also means that we’ve found the guy we’re looking for.
SpongeBob: I hate you ever so slightly less.
Daddy Pig: Carol Hudson. She works here all the time, I knew we’d find her. She knows where Elmo 5 is.
Scott the Woz: How?
Daddy Pig: They live together. It’s kind of a Full House.
[ba dum tsssst; SpongeBob uncovers his eyes]
SpongeBob: Hey! That’s Zoltan’s Mom!
Scott the Woz: Whose mom?
SpongeBob: Zoltan’s, I thought that was obvious.
Scott the Woz: Who’s Zoltan?
SpongeBob: That’s his mom.
Scott the Woz: Oh, right.
Daddy Pig: Now, just follow my lead. I’m a bit of an expert at chatting up birds.
[The group approach Zoltan’s Mum.]
Daddy Pig: Hey babe, do you have diarrhea because I wanna fuck the shit out of-
Zoltan’s Mum: Excuse me, if you want a lap dance you’re gonna have to pay like everyone else. This is a business, you know.
Daddy Pig: Oh, sorry.
[Daddy Pig takes out his wallet]
Daddy Pig: Cash or credit?
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What did I do now?
SpongeBob: I thought we were asking her for directions.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, yeah, in a minute, I’m busy.
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, you want… directions?
Scott the Woz: Yeah, uh… Daddy Pig here says you know Elmo 5.
Zoltan’s Mum: Who?
Scott the Woz: Elmo 5. Word on the street is that he can bring people back from the-
Zoltan’s Mum: No, I know who Elmo is, we used to live together. Who’s Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: D-d-d-d-d-don’t you remember me?
Zoltan’s Mum: I s’ppose your name does kind of ring a bell.
Daddy Pig: But we’ve had sex loads of times! Surely you remember Daddy Pig!
Zoltan’s Mum: Honey, I’m a prostitute. I’m just trying to make a living here.
Scott the Woz: Is prostitution even legal in New Kelp City?
SpongeBob: I don’t think so, at least I know it isn’t in Bikini Bottom. Patrick hired a prostitute once and we couldn’t go to BronyCon that year because he was in jail. Bummer.
Daddy Pig: So, are you gonna give me a lap dance or what?
SpongeBob: THAT’S NOT WHAT WE CAME IN HERE FOR!
Daddy Pig: LET A FELLA HAVE SOME FUN IN HERE, OKAY?!
Walter White: Hey guys.
Daddy Pig: Bitch wait in line, I’m up next for a lap dance.
SpongeBob: Who are you anyway?
Walter White: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. This is my confession. If you're watching this tape, I'm probably dead, murdered by my brother-in-law Hank Schrader. Hank has been building a meth empire for over a year now and using me as his chemist. Shortly after my 50th birthday, Hank came to me with a rather, shocking proposition. He asked that I use my chemistry knowledge to cook methamphetamine, which he would then sell using his connections in the drug world. Connections that he made through his career with the DEA. I was... astounded, I... I always thought that Hank was a very moral man and I was... thrown, confused, but I was also particularly vulnerable at the time, something he knew and took advantage of. I was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. Hank took me on a ride along, and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. And I was weak. I didn't want my family to go into financial ruin so I agreed. Every day, I think back at that moment with regret. I quickly realized that I was in way over my head, and Hank had a partner, a man named Gustavo Fring, a businessman. Hank essentially sold me into servitude to this man, and when I tried to quit, Fring threatened my family. I didn't know where to turn. Eventually, Hank and Fring had a falling out. From what I can gather, Hank was always pushing for a greater share of the business, to which Fring flatly refused to give him, and things escalated. Fring was able to arrange, uh I guess I guess you call it a "hit" on my brother-in-law, and failed, but Hank was seriously injured, and I wound up paying his medical bills which amounted to a little over $177,000. Upon recovery, Hank was bent on revenge, working with a man named Hector Salamanca, he plotted to kill Fring, and did so. In fact, the bomb that he used was built by me, and he gave me no option in it. I have often contemplated suicide, but I'm a coward. I wanted to go to the police, but I was frightened. Hank had risen in the ranks to become the head of the Albuquerque DEA, and about that time, to keep me in line, he took my children from me. For 3 months he kept them. My wife, who up until that point, had no idea of my criminal activities, was horrified to learn what I had done, why Hank had taken our children. We were scared. I was in Hell, I hated myself for what I had brought upon my family. Recently, I tried once again to quit, to end this nightmare, and in response, he gave me this. I can't take this anymore. I live in fear every day that Hank will kill me, or worse, hurt my family. I... All I could think to do was to make this video in hope that the world will finally see this man, for what he really is.
SpongeBob: Checks out.
[Cut back to Mummy Pig, Peppa and George waiting outside. Peppa and George are watching a YouTube video on their iPad.]
Morgz: (on iPad) WHAT’S UP GUYS, IT’S YA BOY MORGZ AND TODAY WE’RE GONNA BE DOING THE 24 HOURS AUSCHWITZ CHALLENGE!
[Suddenly, Chris Chan and Sikowitz’s car pull up next to them.]
Sikowitz: …Mummy Pig.
Mummy Pig: Sikowitz: What are you- how did you find us?
Sikowitz: Oh I just used the “Find My Wife” app, very handy you know.
Chris Chan: Awww, this is your wife? She looks like a sweetheart.
Mummy Pig: Awwwww, thank you dear. That’s so kind.
Chris Chan: Can’t believe a gal like you wants to STOP THE PROPHESIED DIMENSIONAL MERGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mummy Pig: …what?
[Cut back to the strip club.]
Daddy Pig: Come on, give me a lap dance!
Zoltan’s Mum: You know you’re being a massive incel right now, right?
[Suddenly, Chris Chan bursts in.]
Chris Chan: This does not even deserve a captain’s log introduction. Hey guys, this is dead serious!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoltan’s Mum: Now who the hell is that?
Chris Chan: (pointing at the group) YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott the Woz: soulja boy tell em
Chris Chan: Did you really think that could you could stop I, the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself, from completing the dimensional merge… and get away with it?!
SpongeBob: …who the fuck is that?
Scott the Woz: I think it’s an insane person.
Zoltan’s Mum: Must be a drunk. We get those in here all the time. (downs a bottle of wine) I’m one of them.
Chris Chan: ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!!!!! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD STOP THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE?!!!!!
SpongeBob: The… dimensional… what?!
Chris Chan: You know exactly what- you know… I ain’t got time for this.
[Chris Chan starts straining.]
Scott the Woz: What are they doing now?
Zoltan’s Mum: I don’t even know.
Chris Chan: Curse ye hame… HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Chris Chan curse-ye-ha-me-ha’s Scott the Woz and he fucking dies.]
Daddy Pig: HOLY FUCK! SCOTT THE WOZ!
SpongeBob: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
[Everyone in the club stops what they’re doing and starts chattering amongst themselves in fear.]
Chris Chan: THAT is but a taste of my fury! Surrender now, or you’;; face more of Christ’s wrath.
Daddy Pig: …the dude is absolutely mental!
Zoltan’s Mum: We gotta get out of here. Now.
Chris Chan: NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The group starts running out of the club.]
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HAME HA!
[Chris Chan attempts to curse them but misses, instead blowing a massive hole into the side of the strip club.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Aw crap, that’ll be coming out of my paycheck.
[Zoltan’s Mum points at Daddy Pig.]
Zoltan’s Mum: This is all your fault!
Daddy Pig: How is it my fault?
Zoltan’s Mum: You just had to be a massive pervert, didn’t you? You probably touch yourself every night.
SpongeBob: I can confirm. Dirty bastard.
[The three run towards the car.]
Mummy Pig: Oh hey guys! Did you get the directions?
Daddy Pig: THIS IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY A CRAZY PERSON HAS TRIED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Zoltan’s Mum hop in the car.]
SpongeBob: We need to go, right now.
Peppa: FINALLY!
[Pan over to Sikowitz trying to pay the parking for Chris Chan’s car.]
Sikowitz: What do you mean “card declined”?!
[Sikowitz kicks the machine.]
Sikowitz: Idiot!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and everyone begin driving off. Sikowitz turns around.]
Sikowitz: Hey! HEY!
[Sikowitz begins chasing after the car.]
Sikowitz: I AM NOT BEING LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!
[At this point, Chris Chan has begun chasing after them too but they’re so overweight and out of shape that they can barely breathe.]
Chris Chan: Hey…(panting) wait… up…
[Sikowitz manages to climb into the back of the moving vehicle.]
Sikowitz: Wooh, thanks.
[Mummy Pig points over to Chris Chan.]
Mummy Pig: That’s the guy who’s trying to kill you?
Peppa: They’ve got a bigger tummy than Daddy!
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
SpongeBob: They’re stronger than they look, trust us.
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HAME-
[Chris Chan collapses on the floor before they can do anything. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig’s car speeds off.]
Peppa: (waving) Bye-bye!
George: Bye.
[Cut to the group driving down a deserted motorway.]
Sikowitz: -look, I’m sorry I led Chris right to you but they were very convincing! They promised me more coconut milk, okay?!
Mummy Pig: It’s okay. We forgive you.
[Mummy Pig and Sikowitz kiss.]
Daddy Pig: Bleh. 
SpongeBob: What’s Chris Chan’s deal anyway?
Sikowitz: They think this apocalypse is the beginning of some kind of “dimensional merge” betweens realms or something. Reminds me of my coconut milk visions, actually. Anyway, I guess since you guys are gonna bring Suzy back and stop the apocalypse, they think we’re gonna stop the merge.
Daddy Pig: Dimensional merge?
Peppa: BRUH
SpongeBob: Actually, I meant what’s with their crazy “curse ye hame ha” powers and all that?
Sikowitz: Ha! Absolutely no idea. I’ve actually been following Chris’ online presence on Reddit for a while now. I just hope that’s the last we see of them.
Zoltan’s Mum: Me too. Kind of out of a job though now that the club got destroyed.
Daddy Pig: You still have your self-employed prostitute stuff though, right?
Zoltan’s Mum: Yeah, but that’s not always guaranteed to get customers, you know?
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab is always looking for entertainers.
Daddy Pig: I thought you the Krusty Krab was in debt of over one Morbillion dollars.
SpongeBob: Shoot! All this apocalypse stuff made me forget.
Daddy Pig: So, what are you gonna do once this apocalypse blows over, Mummy Pig?
Mummy Pig: I don’t know… Sikowitz wants to spend more time with the children.
Sikowitz: Oh, I do.
Daddy Pig: I still can’t believe you’re married to that freak! No offence, Sikowitz.
Sikowitz: None taken.
Mummy Pig: Eh, I mean… he suffices.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I know I’ve done you wrong and I don’t expect you to forgive me… but you really could do much better than him. Again, no offence, Sikowitz.
Sikowitz: Again, none taken.
SpongeBob: Guys, sorry to interrupt but are we going to talk about how Scott the Woz was murdered by Chris Chan or-
Zoltan’s Mum: OH MY GOD! WE’RE HERE!
[Zoltan’s Mum points off into the distance to the house from Full Server.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my lord…
"Whatever happened to predictability."
"The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?"
"How did I get to living here?"
"Somebody tell me please!"
"This old world's confusing me."
"With clouds as mean as you've ever seen"
"Ain't a bird who knows your tune."
"Then a little voice inside you Whispers,"
"Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon"
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto."
"Everywhere you look, everywhere you go"
"There's a place, of Somebody who needs you"
"Everywhere you look."
"When you're lost out there and you're all alone,"
"A light is waiting to carry you home."
"Everywhere you look."
"Everywhere you look."
[The group pulls into the driveway.]
SpongeBob: Alright, so… this is it I guess? We just go in there and find Elmo 5 and she’ll revive Suzy Sheep for us?
Daddy Pig: I guess so.
Peppa: And then I can make out with my girlfriend again!
[Cut the group walking up to the Full Server house door.]
Sikowitz: So we just knock on the door I guess?
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, yeah, that’s what you do to let someone know you want to come into their house and stuff.
[Zoltan’s Mum knocks on the door. Pause.]
…
…
Zoltan’s Mum: Maybe they’re all sleeping.
Daddy Pig: Try knocking again.
[Zoltan’s Mum knocks again.]
Zoltan’s Mum: HELLO? IT’S ZOLTAN’S MOTHER! THERE ARE SOME WEIRD PEOPLE HERE WHO WANT TO SPEAK TO ELMO 5!
[Pause.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Well I’ve done all I can do.
Mummy Pig: Don’t you have a key or anything?
Zoltan’s Mum: They locked me out once I started dating Ken Stringfellow.
SpongeBob: You WHAT?
Sikowitz: Ah, I know Mr. Stringfellow! Very nice chap he is. Very… nice chap.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Okay, you’re clearly knocking on the door wrong or something. Let me do this.
Zoltan’s Mum: Alright, alright, if you say.
[Daddy Pig fucking knocks the door down.]
Daddy Pig: There we go! Entre, as they say in France.
SpongeBob: That’s Spanish.
Daddy Pig: I knew that.
[The group enter the hallway of the house. An eerie silence feels the air.]
Sikowitz: This is weird. This is really weird.
Mummy Pig: I thought you said loads of people lived here, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: They do!
Zoltan’s Mum: Maybe they’ve just popped out somewhere.
Peppa: Just like Daddy popped out somewhere when Mummy found out he was cheating on her!
SpongeBob: I mean, they can’t have gone far given the state of the world right now.
???: HI-YA!
[Suddenly, a shadow-y figure sneaks up on the group and knocks them all out with a baseball bat. Cut to everyone waking up in a basement somewhere, all tied to chairs.]
Peppa: …ugh… well that was rude.
Daddy Pig: Wh- What happened? Where are we?
[A light turns on. Most of the Full Server cast are staring directly at the group.]
Pluto: …Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Oh! Ho-ho! It’s just these guys.
Pluto: What are you… doing here? We’re in the middle of an apocalypse!
SpongeBob: YOU THINK WE DON’T KNOW?! IT’S BEEN IN THE SCRIPT TWENTY-THREE TIMES!
Jess: Well I’m not complaining. Zoltan’s Mum is HOT.
Zoltan’s Mum: Go fuck yourself.
Jess: Gladly.
Pluto: This is exactly why we got divorced.
Mummy Pig: I know that feeling…
Zoltan: Hi mum. Hi guy from Victorious.
Zoltan’s Mum: Hey.
Sikowitz: Howdy.
Prim: Wh- wha… why the hell did you all break in our house?!
Paige: You could have just knocked, you know.
Daddy Pig: WE DID!
Mummy Pig: Yeah, why didn’t you answer?
Zoltan: We were hiding from the apocalypse in the basement.
Daddy Pig: Ahhh.
Paige: Isn’t Peppa Pig World like two hours away though? Why’d you come all the way here?
Sikowitz: Oh, you see, that’s easy. We came for your children.
Purple: I thought I was the pedophile around here.
Prim: I got banned from Discord for being a pedophile once.
SpongeBob: Um, what Sikowitz means here is that-
Daddy Pig: We were hoping we could find Elmo 5.
Prim: Elmo 5?
SpongeBob: Yeah! With Elmo 5 we could-
Paige: -revive Suzy Sheep and stop the apocalypse?
SpongeBob: How’d you-
Paige: (sighs) Didn’t you think we would have tried that already?
Daddy Pig: Well, um…. Yes? Maybe? No? …No, we didn’t think you would have tried that already.
Mummy Pig: Oh my God, Daddy Pig. You idiot!
Prim: Look, guys, we appreciate the gesture, but Elmo 5’s magic autism powers only work if she has special ice cream! Duh!
Daddy Pig: WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
Pluto: BRUH
Paige: EVERYONE KNOWS THAT! IT’S A WELL-KNOWN FACT THAT MAGIC AUTISM POWERS ONLY WORK WITH MAGIC AUTISM ICE CREAM!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig didn’t think his plan through.
Peppa: Silly Daddy!
George: Silly Daddy!
Daddy Pig: COME ON GUYS! I COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN! HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
Mummy Pig: Great. So we came all this way for NOTHING?
Peppa: I COULD BE HOME PLAYING FORTNITE RIGHT NOW!
Paige: (sighs) It’s okay, doesn’t matter. I guess now that you’re here you can join in with our Jackbox game!
Mummy Pig: JACKBOX?! I DID NOT GO ON A TWO HOUR CAR JOURNEY AND ALMOST GET KILLED BY CHRIS CHAN TO PLAY FUCKING JACKBOX!
Liz: Well, it’s not like we can do anything else without the magic autism ice cream.
[Pan over to Sikowitz eating a tub of magic autism ice cream.]
Sikowitz: Mmm. Good stuff this is.
[Pause.]
Paige: Wh- Where did you get that?
Sikowitz: Where did I get what?
SpongeBob: Your magic autism ice cream?
Sikowitz: OH THAT! I carry it with me at all times in case of emergencies. You should try some.
Daddy Pig: Gimme that!
[Daddy Pig snatches the ice cream from Sikowitz.]
Daddy Pig: See? My plan isn’t stupid after all. 
Mummy Pig: Hmph.
Daddy Pig: A “I’m so sorry I doubted you, Daddy Pig” would be nice.
Mummy Pig: …
Daddy Pig: Come on…
Mummy Pig: …I’m… I’m… I’m sorry I doubted you, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: There it is!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig likes being a stuck-up twat.
Daddy Pig: I AM NOT A STUCK-UP TWAT!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, now that we have the ice cream, can we bring Suzy back now?
Prim: Of course! This changes everything!
Paige: Someone call the Elmos.
Zoltan: ELMOS ASSEMBLE!
[Prim, Paige and Zoltan’s children, the Elmos, all rush in.]
Zoltan: SINGLE FILE!
[The Elmos line up next to eachother as if they were in the fucking military of some shit.]
Zoltan: Good Elmos.
SpongeBob: Which one is Elmo 5 again?
Zoltan: I have no idea, I get them mixed up all the time.
Elmo 3: BRUH! Elmo 3 thinks it’s easy to tell us apart.
Elmo 2 2: YASSSSSS! Slay, Elmo 3.
Elmo 2: Shut the fuck up.
Elmo 3: Elmo 3, me, is the famous one with the TV channel. Elmo 2 is the Satanist one-
Elmo 2: HELL YEAH ELMO 2 IS!
Elmo 3: -Elmo 4 is the baby one-
Elmo 4: goo goo
Elmo 3: -Elmo 5 is the girl with autism powers-
Elmo 5: Yuh.
Elmo 3: -and Elmo 2 2 is… sorry, Elmo 3 forgets, what does Elmo 2 2 do again?
Elmo 2 2: Elmo 2 2 is special.
Elmo 3: Ah, right. And Elmo 2 2 is special.
Mummy Pig: I’m sorry, can’t we speed this up?
Paige: Yeah, I wanna go watch Judge Judy.
Purple: N%&£^ shut up or I’ll pump you full of lead!
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and the gang gasp.]
Prim: Woah woah woah! Excuse my friend’s racism, he’s just jealous because of my medallion. Got it for being racist during a round of robot raping.
SpongeBob: He means robot rapping, with an extra P, right?
Prim: Sure. Anyway, Elmo 5, do your thing.
[Elmo 5 steps forward.]
Elmo 5: Ugh. Does Elmo 5 have to?
Prim: You’ll save the world.
Elmo 5: Oh okay. Gimme the ice cream.
Sikowitz: THE WHOLE TUB?
Elmo 5: The whole tub.
Sikowitz: Ugh, fucking liberals.
[Sikowitz passes Elmo 5 the tub of ice cream. She downs it in one go.]
Elmo 5: Is this coconut flavor?
Sikowitz: It’s the best one.
Peppa: So… what now?
Elmo 5: You might wanna step back.
SpongeBob: …we’re all tied to chairs right now.
Elmo 5: Whoopsie.
[Elmo 5 steps back herself.]
Elmo 5: Elmo 5’s just checking. It’s Suzy Sheep you want back, right?
Daddy Pig: Nah, it’s Charlotte Shee- OF COURSE IT’S SUZY SHEEP!
Elmo 5: OKAY OKAY!
[Elmo 5 takes a deep breath, and then starts chanting the magic words.]
Elmo 5: HEIL SATAN! HEIL SATAN! THY KINGDOM COME! THEY WILL BE DONE! ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HELL! WE SHALL PRAY YOUR UNHOLY NAME! SATAN SHALL EMERGE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …I don’t get it. Nothing happened.
Elmo 5: WELL DUH! Suzy Sheep is two hours away in Peppa Pig World!
SpongeBob: Oh.
[The camera pans out of the Full Server house, and all the way back into the Peppa Pig World cemetery. A large group of people dressed in apocalyptic attire are rioting over Suzy Sheep’s grave.]
Fred Rechid: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
All: JUSTICE FOR SUZY!
Fred Rechid: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!
All: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly, the ground below starts crumbling.]
Fred Rechid: Uh… this isn’t what we meant!
[The floor begins shaking more.]
Fred Rechid: It’s okay! It’s okay! We don’t need justice for Suzy THIS bad, gods!
Nat Peterson: EARTHQUAKE!
[The crowd starts running around in fear, screaming.]
Pedro Pony: I WANT MY MUMMY!!
[A large sky beam suddenly emerges from Suzy Sheep’s grave, before the ghost of Suzy Sheep suddenly emerges from it herself. The crowd suddenly stops panicking.]
Mr. Rabbit: Wait… could it be?
Nocturna: IT’S SUZY SHEEP!
[The crowd starts jumping up and down, celebrating.]
Mummy Cat: WE’RE SAVED! WE’RE SAVED!
[A levitating Suzy Sheep looks towards the crowd.]
Suzy Sheep: Sup bitches.
Charlotte Sheep: It’s Suzy!
Gary the Snail 3: It’s really her!
[Pause.]
MrDaGuy: Um, Jess-
Thatjess: HOLY SHI-
Madame Gazelle: The apocalypse is over!
Mrs. Puff: It’s a miracle!
Suzy Sheep: Oh, I wouldn’t say that the apocalypse is over…
[The crowd murmurs amongst themselves in confusion.]
Suzy Sheep: I was a gay icon, and you people just let Boris kill me like it was nothing! I mean, come on now, it took y’all OVER A YEAR to even convict this man! I may just be a preschooler who plays Fortnite with her girlfriend, but I can smell bullshit. 
Mr. Bull: Bullshit doesn’t smell that bad…
[Just like Chris Chan, Suzy Sheep takes a deep breath in and draws her cupped hands to her side. She concentrates all her energy before thrusting her hands towards the crowd.]
Suzy Sheep: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suzy shoots a massive laser beam towards the crowd, effectively killing a lot of them. The rest run away, screaming in fear.]
Suzy Sheep: YEAH?!!!! YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
[Cut back to the Full Server house. The gang rush outside and stare at the massive skybeam visible all the way from Peppa Pig World.]
Peppa: What’s happening?!
Sikowitz: It’s a skybeam! Just like all the superhero movies!
[Sikowitz gets a notification on his phone.]
Sikowitz: Ah, that would be Reddit.
SpongeBob: Look, with all due respect I really don’t think now’s the best time to be checking Reddit.
Sikowitz: (looking at his phone) Hmm. Looks like Suzy Sheep’s gone evil.
Daddy Pig: I told you guys bringing Suzy back from the dead was a bad idea.
Mummy Pig: IT WAS YOUR IDEA, YOU 24-KARAT PLONKER!
SpongeBob: What’s a “plonker”?
Peppa: Daddy, apparently.
[Daddy Pig turns around to Elmo 5.]
Daddy Pig: What on Earth did you do?
Elmo 5: Elmo 5 don’t know! Elmo 5 just did what Elmo 5 normally does and-
[Elmo 5 takes a look at the magic autism ice cream.]
Elmo 5: …this is out-of-date.
Sikowitz: Ah, yes. I got it from the clearance aisle. I prefer the expired stuff, you know. Gives me visions.
SpongeBob: Good Neptune.
Mummy Pig: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SIKOWITZ!
Sikowitz: How was I supposed to know it would make Suzy go on a murderous rampage?
SpongeBob: I don’t like agreeing with Sikowitz, but he’s right.
Daddy Pig: Oh, oh, this is perfect. 
Sikowitz: Could be worse.
Peppa: MY GIRLFRIEND HAS TURNED EVIL! HOW COULD IT BE WORSE?
Sikowitz: We could be Matt Hancock having to eat camel penis.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Matt Hancock is so silly!
Peppa: I’m scared.
Mummy Pig: Don’t worry Peppa, everything’s going to be just fine.
Peppa: Really?
Mummy Pig: No.
[Cut to the Poundland Avengers HQ. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Mummy Sheep and PenisMan are gathered around a table playing a board game.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm…
[Mr. Krabs moves a piece on the board.]
Mr. Krabs: Checkmate.
Squidward: We’re playing Snakes and Ladders.
[Hash Brown, Super Potato and Sandy burst in.]
Sandy: PenisMan, we have a situation.
PenisMan: What kind of situation?
[Cut to the group, as well as a small crowd of other people taking shelter in the HQ, watching a video on a large monitor of Suzy Sheep’s rampage.]
Suzy Sheep: (on video) YOU’RE CURSED! YOU’RE CURSED! AND YOU’RE DEFINITELY CURSED!
Nostalgia Critic: (on video) What about me? Am I cursed?
Suzy Sheep: (on video) Oh no, you’re fine. I like you.
Mr. Krabs: This is a stupid TV show.
Sandy: It’s not a TV show, Mr. Krabs, this is real life.
Mummy Sheep: Suzy… what happened to you?
[Cut back to outside the Full Server house.]
SpongeBob: There has to be a way to stop Suzy, surely.
Peppa: I hope so.
Sikowitz: Fat chance. I mean, it’s not like someone with equally as strong autism powers like Suzy Sheep is gonna suddenly show up and-
[Chris Chan suddenly shows up.]
Chris Chan: FINALLY! I’VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!
Sikowitz: Oh shit.
Daddy Pig: How did you find us?
Chris Chan: Sikowitz dropped his phone, his password was “coconut” in all lowercase. “Find My Wife” is a great app.
Sikowitz: Ah, right.
Mummy Pig: We are getting divorced as soon as everything goes back to normal.
Daddy Pig: LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Everyone stares at Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: I mean, not that I was hoping for them to- 
Chris Chan: SHUT UP! Just… all of you, shut up. I have had it UP TO HERE with you all going around trying to stop the dimensional merge. And I have had ENOUGH of it!
SpongeBob: Okay.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, okay.
Chris Chan: I AM GOING TO SHOVE YOUR ASSES DOWN YOUR THROATS, AND MAKE YOU EAT YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!! You guys are more annoying than the Xbox 360. The reason they call it the 360 is because it makes you want to turn 360 degrees and walk away. And you know what I do whenever I see an Xbox 360?
[Pause.]
Chris Chan: DO YA?!!!!!
George: No.
Mummy Pig: We don’t know, no.
Chris Chan: Well, let me show ya. 
[Chris takes a deep breath.]
Chris Chan: Curse ye ham-
SpongeBob: WAIT!
Chris Chan: Ugh, what is it?! I’m trying to curse ya here.
SpongeBob: Please don’t curse us… you want to stop this.. dimension… this dimensional-
Chris Chan: Dimensional merge.
SpongeBob: THAT! You want to stop THAT, right? Whatever it is?
Chris Chan: I want to stop YOU from stopping the merge!
SpongeBob: Well, um… okay, yeah. Well… what if I told you that we want the merge to happen too?
Chris Chan: …you do?
SpongeBob: YEAH!
Chris Chan: Then… then why did you try and stop it?
SpongeBob: We didn’t! We never did!
Sikowitz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big misunderstanding, totally my fault for misleading you like that.
Chris Chan: Oh… okay.
SpongeBob: But you know who does want to stop the merge? Suzy Sheep.
Chris Chan: …who?
Mummy Pig: Beloved LBGTQ+ rights activist?
Peppa: My girlfriend?
Daddy Pig: The one who’s on a rampage through Peppa Pig World and Bikini Bottom right now?
Chris Chan: Oh, right, her.
SpongeBob: YEAH! She, uh… she wants to stop the dimensional merge from happening. So, uh… we need your help to go and stop her!
Chris Chan: Well why didn’t you say so? Let’s go stop her now!
SpongeBob: Wait really?
Chris Chan: Yeah! Let’s go smash that jerkop.
SpongeBob: I don’t know what a jerkop is but that’s great!
Mummy Pig: One small problem. Peppa Pig World is two hours away, we’ll never get there in time.
[Daddy Pig turns to the Full Server gang.]
Daddy Pig: You guys went all the back to Yemen and back in a day, right?
Paige: Yuh.
Daddy Pig: …you think we could do something like that?
[Cut to the Poundland Avengers fighting Suzy Sheep. Super Potato is shooting laser beams from his eyes at Suzy, but they have no effect on her.]
Suzy Sheep: Hmph. Is this really the best you can do? 
Super Potato: Apparently.
Suzy Sheep: CURSE YE HAME HA!
[Suzy shoots a beam at Super Potato, killing him.]
Sandy: Whoops.
Hash Brown: Suzy’s invulnerable, we’re fucked!
PenisMan: YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S OBVIOUS?!!!!!!
Hash Brown: Well, it was implied.
Sandy: It’s no use, we’re gonna have to retreat.
Hash Brown: If we retreat, we all die!
Sandy: Do you have a better plan?
Hash Brown: Well I… I… I…
[Suddenly, The Final Countdown by Europe begins playing.]
Hash Brown: What the…
PenisMan: Is this Swedish rock?
Sandy: It’s Europe.
PenisMan: Sweden is in Europe, I think.
Suzy Sheep: The fuck is this?
10…
9…
8…
7…
6…
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
[The drums start to kick in on the song. Cut to Chris Chan speeding towards Peppa Pig World, The Final Countdown still blasting at full volume in the background.]
PenisMan: Oh my God.
Sandy: Rivers Cuomo?
Chris Chan: Captain’s log. Stardate - December 16, 2022. I am heading towards Peppa Pig World now to stop Suzy Sheep.
[The camera pans out to reveal SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Mummy Pig, Peppa, George and Sikowitz driving next to Chris Chan in a different car.]
Sandy: SPONGEBOB?
Hash Brown: DADDY PIG?
PenisMan: OTHER PEOPLE?!
SpongeBob: I guess this is it. We’re about to save the world. For real this time.
Daddy Pig: Let’s do it.
Sikowitz: You ready, Chris?
Chris Chan: Ready for what?
SpongeBob: …to stop Suzy Sheep?
Chris Chan: Oh right. ZAP TO THE EXTREME!
[Lightning bolts appear out of Chris’ hands as he starts levitating through the air and charges towards Suzy Sheep.]
Chris Chan: CURSE YE HA ME HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The song jumps straight to the guitar solo during the bridge and Chris shoots a beam towards Suzy, knocking her across Peppa Pig World. She falls on her back, creating a hole in the ground, but gets up again, completely unfazed.]
Suzy: Hmph. So that’s how it is.
[Suzy floats back up again, and shoots several more beams towards Chris, who manages to dodge them all. They then send another large beam towards Suzy, who does the same, create a large beam between the two of them which they desperately try to keep hold of in a “tug of war”-esque situation.]
Daddy Pig: YES! COME ON CHRIS CHAN!
Chris Chan: …UGH! I CAN’T HOLD ON!
[Chris Chan is too weak and they let go, causing the beam to fly towards them. Chris is sent flying towards the floor though, like Suzy, is unfazed by the damage.]
Chris Chan: I think I just soiled myself.
SpongeBob: KEEP GOING! YOU’RE DOING GREAT!
Chris Chan: But my pants are all soggy!
Daddy Pig: Are you sure it was a good idea to get this guy’s help, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: They’re our only hope.
[Chris Chan gets back up again, and Suzy and Chris begin throwing punches at eachother in the air.]
Suzy Sheep: You’ll never stop me. If Boris Johnson couldn’t, what makes you any different?
Chris Chan: I am a CPU goddess. I am the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself.
Suzy Sheep: I didn’t think Jesus had such a big tummy.
Chris Chan: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
[Chris Chan lifts up a bus and throws it towards Suzy. Suzy phases through it since she is a ghost.]
Chris Chan: …I didn’t really think that through, heh.
[Suzy curses Chris again, sending them flying across Peppa Pig World and into Bikini Bottom. He crashes through the Krusty Krab’s roof, this time very visibly beaten up.]
SpongeBob: Ugh, the Krusty Krab is already in enough debt as it is.
[Suzy flies through the Krusty Krab’s roof.]
Chris Chan: …agh.
Suzy Sheep: Looks like you forgot one thing. I am a ghost, and you are but a mere mortal.
Chris Chan: …and I just soiled myself again.
Suzy Sheep: Madame Gazelle taught me that Jesus died for our sins. I guess you’re going to die for nothing.
Sikowitz: We’re fucked. If Suzy kills Chris Chan-
SpongeBob: -there will be no way to stop her. We will be stuck in this apocalypse forever.
[Energy beams appear in Suzy’s hands.]
Suzy Sheep: Does our so-called messiah have any last words?
???: WAIT!
[Everything stops. Suzy turns around to see Peppa at the entrance to The Krusty Krab.]
Suzy Sheep: P-P-Peppa?
[Pause. Suzy retracts the energy beams and comes down to the floor. Peppa and Suzy embrace, teardrops falling from their eyes.]
Peppa: I never thought I’d see you again!
Suzy: Neither did I! Wh-what are you doing here?
Peppa: I’m just happy to have you back.
[The two kiss.]
Peppa: There’s so much we need to catch up on. There are so many seasons of Fortnite you’ve missed!
Suzy: YASSSS! We stan Fortnite.
Peppa: We really do… y-you… you can’t do this though.
Suzy: Do what?
[Suzy looks around the destroyed Krusty Krab.]
Suzy: …oh.
[Pause. Suzy breaks down into tears.]
Peppa: What’s the matter?
Suzy: I-I-I-I-I-I didn’t mean to destroy everything or kill everyone and anything! I was just angry at everyone- at everything! I mean Boris Johnson-
[The two embrace again.]
Peppa: …It’s okay, it really is.
[Pause.]
Peppa: You have to stop though. You can’t do this.
Suzy: I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so sorry.
[Suzy turns around and looks at Chris Chan.]
Suzy: Ahem. You are free to go, sad, strange little man.
[Suzy grabs hold of Peppa and they fly out of The Krusty Krab and back over to Peppa Pig World with everyone else.]
Peppa: Mummy! Daddy! Suzy’s back to normal!
[Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig and George hug Peppa.]
Mummy Pig: We didn’t even need Chris Chan after all!
Daddy Pig: I am so proud of you, Peppa.
[Mummy Sheep slowly approaches the group.]
Mummy Sheep: …Suzy? Is that really you?
Suzy: …Mummy?
[Pause.]
Suzy: MUMMY!
[The two run towards eachother and hug.]
Hash Brown: Well, I guess this is another victory for the Poundland Avengers.
SpongeBob: You literally did not help at all.
Zoltan’s Mum: And even then I’d hardly call this a victory.
Daddy Pig: I mean, to be fair, Suzy did murder half the town.
Suzy: Ah, right. Sorry about that everyone!
Sikowitz: Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Elmo 5 can revive everyone with her magic autism ice cream powers… hopefully.
Zoltan’s Mum: …so… does this mean the apocalypse can stop now?
[The apocalypse suddenly stops.]
All: HOORAY!
[The screen suddenly fades to black. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward at The Krusty Krab. Daddy Pig is finishing up the repairs of the restaurant.]
SpongeBob: I’m so glad to have a structural engineer as my friend, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it.
Squidward: It’s weird. Doesn’t even feel like there was a full-blown apocalypse a couple days ago.
SpongeBob: I know right?! It’s like this is some poorly written fanfiction or something.
???: Excuse me, are you SpongeBob and Daddy Pig?
[The three stare in awe.]
All: (gasp) Rishi Sunak!
Rishi Sunak: The one and only. You see, since Liz Truss quit during the apocalypse, I guess I’m the new prime minister now.
SpongeBob: It’s a Rishmas miracle!
Rishi Sunak: Amen to that. I just wanted to come here and officially congratulate you both on your work on stopping the global apocalypse. Sure, you did summon the ghost of Suzy Sheep who temporarily murdered half the county, but you stopped the apocalypse nonetheless.
Daddy Pig: Hoh-ho! Well I am a bit of an expert at saving the world.
Rishi Sunak: Please, if there’s anything I could help you with, just let me know. My wallet is absolutely massive, as you no doubt aware.
SpongeBob: Thank you for the offer, Mr. Rishi sir, but actually I think we are both oka-
Daddy Pig: We’d like one Morbillion dollars, please.
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG?!
Rishi Sunak: One Morbillion dollars it is, then. I shall be along soon with the cheque. Take care now.
[Rishi Sunak leaves.]
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, you didn’t have to do that. 
Daddy Pig: He’s a Tory, if I can scam him for Morbillion dollars, you can bet your ass I will!
Squidward: Plus, I guess this means you can finally pay off The Krusty Krab’s debt now.
SpongeBob: …huh… I guess…
[SpongeBob rushes over and hugs Daddy Pig.]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it. It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done for me this past year. Remember when I murdered your pet snail?
SpongeBob: You murdered my pet snail three times, actually. One of them being reversed due to time travel.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good times.
Squidward: So, SpongeBob, what are you going to do with The Krusty Krab now that you definitely own it?
SpongeBob: Huh… I don’t really know, actually. It’s a big shame that you can’t be a part of it though, Squidward.
Squidward: Actually, I… I have a confession to make. I lied about my job earlier… with Ian Hawke. He… didn’t accept me.
[SpongeBob starts smilling.]
Squidward: Wh- what are you smiling for?!
SpongeBob: YOU’RE STAYING HERE WITH ME AT THE KRUSTY KRAB!
Squidward: Well, um-
[SpongeBob and Squidward hug.]
SpongeBob: I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T GO! I JUST KNEW IT!
Squidward: Please let go of me.
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry.
[The two stop hugging.]
Daddy Pig: You two make a good couple.
Squidward: What?! We’re not-
SpongeBob: Squidward and I aren’t-
Squidward: We would never-
SpongeBob: We would never date, ever.
Squidward: Yeah!
Daddy Pig: Well, if you say so.
[Mummy Pig and George approach the Krusty Krab.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, my hunky monkey.
[Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig kiss.]
SpongeBob: Woah… you too are back together now?
Mummy Pig: Well, he may have cheated on me millions of times… but he did help save the world so I guess we’re even.
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho!
SpongeBob: So what happened to Sikowitz?
Mummy Pig: Oh, he got arrested. The police found a terabyte of child porn on his laptop.
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! What a 24-karat plonker!
SpongeBob: Where’s Peppa?
[Cut to Peppa at Suzy Sheep (now a ghost)’s house playing Fortnite.]
Suzy: WHY ARE YOU LANDING AT TITLED TOWERS AGAIN?! I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!
Peppa: I like seeing you get angry at me.
[Pause. The two start passionately making out. Cut to Chris Chan being thrown back into Ruckersville Jail by a group of people in pickle costumes.]
Pickle Man: And stay in there!
Chris Chan: BUT THE MERGE! THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE! THE MERGE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME IN HERE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE SONICHU! HEY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[The camera pans over to Sikowitz in the cell next to Chris.]
Sikowitz: Oh hey! I know this guy! 
[Pause.]
Sikowitz: Hey, Chris Chan.
Chris Chan: Yeah?
Sikowitz: I managed to sneak an MP3 player in here! Wanna hear a song?
Chris Chan: Oh god no-
[The Better Call Saul theme song starts playing; zoom out of the prison]
Chris Chan: Nooooooooooooo!
[Pause. Out of nowhere, Saul Goodman appears.]
Saul: Better Call Sau-
[Saul gets hit by an RV; zoom into said RV]
Walter White: Jesse! Jesse, we need to cook!
Jesse: Already on it, sir!
[Cut to Jesse cooking bacon]
Walter White: No Jesse, cook Meth, idiot!
[The RV fucking crashes into The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: …
Walter White: I can explain.
…
..
[After a pause, everyone starts laughing.]
SpongeBob: I just got a Morbillion dollars! Don’t worry about it!
Walter White: Oh, right. (laughs) You know for a moment there I thought-
[Bacon spills out of the RV, Daddy Pig sees it]
Daddy Pig: MMMM! BACON!
[Daddy Pig leaps towards the bacon and starts cramming it all down his throat.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear, Daddy Pig is a cannibal.
Daddy Pig: I’m a bit of an expert at being a cannibal!
Mummy Pig: (scolding) Daddy Pig! I thought you were going to stop eating that stuff!
Daddy Pig: I know, I know! It’s just so good though! 
[Daddy Pig turns to Walter and Jesse.]
Daddy Pig: You guys got anything else?
Walter White: You like crystal meth?
[Pause. Everyone falls to the floor in another fit of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig loves crystal meth. EVERYONE loves crystal meth!
[Expert SOS by Lil Pampers begins playing as the credits roll.]
DIRECTED BY THATJESS
PRODUCED BY VANILLA PLOOP AND NORBERT
EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY MRDAGUY
WRITTEN BY THATJESS
ALSO WRITTEN BY MRDAGUY AND ZOLTAN40
MUSIC COMPOSED BY LIL PAMPERS
PI MOVIES PRESENTS
A CORAL BLUE PRODUCTION
“THE SPONGEBOB AND DADDY PIG MOVIE”
[Dedicated to Suzy Sheep 2017-2021… even though she’s back as a ghost now.]
[Cut to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff eating at The Krusty Krab.]
Mrs. Puff: You know, I kinda feel bad about trying to kill Mummy Sheep like that.
Madame Gazelle: I’m sure she doesn’t mind.
[Suddenly, Scott the Woz enters The Krusty Krab.]
Scott: Hey all, Scott here!
Squidward: Scott the Woz?
SpongeBob: I thought you died!
Scott: Yeah, no. Elmo 5 cured me when she went around reviving everyone.
SpongeBob: I love bullshit explanations like that.
[SpongeBob suddenly gets a notification on his phone. He takes it out and opens a text message.]
SpongeBob: Huh.
Squidward: What’s up?
SpongeBob: I just got a text from an old friend. Haven’t seen her in years.
Squidward: I thought you were only friends with dumbasses like Patrick and Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: Nah, she’s not a dumbass. I used to jellyfish with her all the time.
Squidward: Pfft. Only dumbasses jellyfish.
SpongeBob: Eh.
Squidward: So what does she want?
SpongeBob: Her name’s Dora. She… wants to go camping with me?
[Fin.]
[Ocean Man starts playing]
STARING
TOM KENNY as SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
RICHARD RIDINGS as DADDDY PIG
CHRIS PRATT as GARY THE SNAIL 3
DEBBIE MCDONALD as MUMMY SHEEP
JOHN SPARKS as PEPPA PIG NARRATOR and SUPER POTATO
MORWENNA BANKS as MUMMY PIG and MADAME GAZELLE
ROGER BUMPASS as SQUIDWARD TENTACLES
CLANCY BROWN as MR. KRABS
AMELIE BEA SMITH as PEPPA PIG
OLIVER AND ALICE MAY as GEORGE PIG
SCOTT WOZNIAK as SCOTT THE WOZ
IAN BRANDON ANDERSON as CHRIS CHAN
ERIC LANGE as ERWIN SIKOWITZ
BORIS JOHNSON as HIMSELF
LIZ TRUSS as HERSELF
RISHI SUNAK as HIMSELF
AVA LOVELL as SUZY SHEEP
JESS LASTNAME as JESS and THATJESS
MASON YOUDON’TNEEDTOKNOWMYLASTNAME as MRDAGUY
DAVID BOWMAN as PENISMAN
BRYAN CRANSON as WALTER WHITE
AARON PAUL as JESSE PINKMAN
BOB ODENKIRK as SAUL GOODMAN
[Cut to Peppa Pig World Jail. Better Call Saul theme song is playing]
Sikowitz: Oh yeah! This is my jam!
Chris Chan: GUARDS!
[Police Officer Panda and Squirrel run over]
Police Officer Squirrel: What in blazes is going on?
Police Officer Panda: Listin! The Better Call Saul theme is playing!
[The two start dancing to the music]
Chris Chan: I would commit suicide right now but I can’t break open the window.
DAVID MITTCHEL as POLICE OFFICER PANDA
JUDY FLINN as POLICE OFFICER SQUIRREL
DOG WALKER as NOSTALGIA CRITIC
DEE BRADLY BAKER as PERCH PERKINS
JOE BIDEN as HIMSELF
AND MORE I’M PROBABLY FORGETTING
ALSO DEDICATED TO QUEEN ELIZABETH II (1926-2022)
[Cut to the movie in the theater]
Audience: *cheers*
[Zoom out of the theater, revealing it to be in Hollywood. Cut to Mr. Potato and Hash Brown walking.]
Mr. Potato: Isn’t this a good town?
Hash Brown: Yeah! 
Mr. Potato: I’m thinking I could make a movie here and put a ticket in a random potato in the Peppa Pig World grocery store with the ticket allowing people to see the movies production!
[Cut to Mummy Pig buying groceries]
Mummy Pig: Hmmm… Maybe potatoes could be what we have for me and Daddy Pig’s reunion dinner!
[Mummy Pig stuffs some potatoes in her shopping bag; fade to black.]
Category:2023
Category:2020s
Category:2023 Movies
Category:Thatjess
Category:MrDaGuy
Category:Zoltan40
Category:The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show
Category:Movies
Category:Movie Transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:PI
Category:Coral Blue Productions
Category:PI+
Category:Blue Lobster Productions