The Very Best of the Muppets! Meet the Muppets! transcript

==Theme==
 	The curtains open, and the theme begins over Muppet Show clips.
 	Statler and Waldorf bob along to the music.
Statler	Don't start!
Waldorf	We haven't left yet!
 	They chuckle.
==Opening Number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Voted the best show in the world out of all the shows hosted by frogs.
 	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Kermit 	But first, an opening number.
Statler	Oh, no! I can't take any more of your opening numbers!
Kermit 	Come on, guys, what's wrong with them?
Statler	They're so weird!
Waldorf	Yeah. What do you have tonight — a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
 	They chuckle.
Kermit 	Uh, cancel the opening number.
Gorilla	(mock Chinese) … moo goo gai pan!
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number!
 	Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob, and the pigs perform "I Get Around" as a biker gang.
Statler	What do you think of pigs on bikes?
Waldorf	I never have liked road hogs.
 	They chuckle.
Statler	"Road hogs"! (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN) 	Round, round, round, we got around that.
Kermit 	That's a good number, guys.
Link Hogthrob	(vrooms)
Miss Piggy 	(to Link) Cool it, porko. The number is over.
Link Hogthrob	… put-put-put-put … (exits)
Kermit 	Oh boy. (looks over the rundown)
Miss Piggy 	Kermie?
Kermit 	Yeah?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermie, you know, you and I should have done that number together.
Kermit 	Oh?
Miss Piggy 	You'd be very attractive in the "leather and goggle" look.
Kermit 	Well, I'd just need the leather. I already got the goggle look.
Miss Piggy 	(admires him) Yes. I just love your eyes. Ohh. They're like — like — two ping-pong balls floating in a pond of green algae. (sighs, runs off)
Kermit 	Must be true. Everybody says the same thing.
=="I Got Rhythm"==
 	Rowlf plays the piano while Fozzie sings.
Fozzie 	(off-beat) I got rhythm … I got— two, three — I got rhythm…
Rowlf 	Uh, wait, wait, wait a second, Fozzie. Hold on. Uh, you're starting wrong. It goes like this. Let me show you. I got rhythm…
Fozzie 	Oh. Gotcha, gotcha. I got —
Rowlf 	Not yet. Not yet. Now.
Fozzie 	(off-beat) I got rhythm … I got …
Rowlf 	No, no … Fozzie, hold on a second. Let me — let me make one little change here.
 	He scribbles on the sheet music and hands it to Fozzie.
Rowlf 	Okay. Now sing that.
Fozzie 	Yes sir.
 	Rowlf resumes playing.
Fozzie 	(reading) I DON'T got rhythm.
Rowlf 	Mm-hm.
Fozzie 	I don't got rhythm.
Rowlf 	That's for sure.
Fozzie 	I don't got rhythm.
Fozzie & Rowlf	Who could ask for anything more?
Statler 	We could!
Waldorf 	Yeah, earplugs! (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie & Rowlf	Who could ask for anything more?
 	Rowlf finishes and shakes his head. Applause.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Science has recently discovered a process which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone, while his wife, Nancy, crocheted meatballs.
 	He tosses away the paper and exits.
=="Pig Calypso"==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	Here it is, ladies and gentlemen — calypso time!
 	Open on an island setting. Piggy dances along to a pig backup band.
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
Miss Piggy	
All day long I sit around,
Dreaming of the love I found.
Because I really love my frog,
And when I love, I go WHOLE HOG!
(trills)
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
Miss Piggy	Yee-ha!
Kermie is the reason why
I have this twinkle in my eye.
Kermie, Kermie, shy and cute,
How I love that handsome brute!
(trills)
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Kermit, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
Kermit 	
Frog has come to have his say:
The pig will never get her way.
Bib and napkin, knife and fork
Is the only way that I'll touch pork.
Miss Piggy	WHAT?!? Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him. Applause.
Statler 	Hm. I like those steel drums.
Waldorf 	What?
Statler 	(out loud) The pigs' steel drums!
Waldorf 	I believe it. They'd take anything that's not nailed down.
==Backstage==
Floyd 	Hey, Kermit — me and the band gonna play at the wedding?
Kermit 	Wh — what wedding?!
 	Piggy tiptoes away.
Floyd 	Well, I just heard the news that you and Miss Fatback was gonna tie the knot and raise chitlins! (laughs)
Kermit 	PIGGY!!
Miss Piggy	Um … (laughs sheepishly) … Kermie, it's … just a joke!
Kermit 	A JOKE?? People will think we're really engaged!! (stews)
Miss Piggy	(sigh) It's so sweet-sounding when you say it.
Kermit 	Well — the engagement is off! HI-YAH!
 	He karate-chops her, but doesn't knock her over.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? Dear? Dear? Sweetheart? It's not like that. It's like this. Hi-YAH!
 	Her chop sends him flying to his desk.
Kermit 	(through the intercom) On stage for the next number. (faints)
==Talking Houses==
House #3	My youngest boy is very interested in medicine.
House #4	Oh, he's a doctor?
House #3	No, A hospital.
=="Mahna Mahna"==
 	Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna".
 	As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit 	Hello? OK. Just a second.
 	He goes onstage to tell the Snowths.
Kermit 	It's for you.
Mahna Mahna	(on other end) Mahna mahna!
 	Applause.
Statler 	The question is, what is a "Mahna Mahna"?
Waldorf 	The question is, who cares?
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in the ballroom. A ducklike female Whatnot dances with a long-nosed male whatnot.
Female Whatnot (JH)	I've heard that dancing is good for you, that it can add ten years to your life.
Male Whatnot (JH) 	I believe it. Dancing with you, I've aged ten years.
 	Mary Louise is squeezing a catatonic Animal.
Mary Louise (FO) 	Tell me if I'm holding you too tight. I say, tell me if I'm holding you too tight!
 	Animal drops to the ground.
Mary Louise (FO) 	Now you tell me.
 	She exits. Another couple look on.
Female Whatnot (JN)	Oh, look at that. You should call him a doctor.
'Male Whatnot' (JN)	OK. You're a doctor.
 	Animal pulls himself up on Piggy and her partner.
Animal 	Ah.. ah... Excuse... excuse me.
Piggy 	Will you stop trying to cut in? Hiyah!
Animal 	Aah!
 	The pig couple exit.
Animal 	(grunting) What's the quickest way out of here?
Crazy Harry 	Through the roof! (hysterical laughing)
 	Kaboom! Animal goes flying.
=="Barnyard Boogie"==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	How would you like to boogie? Well then, get thee to a barnyard!
 	Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (including Lips) perform "Barnyard Boogie" outside a farmhouse with Gaffer, Rizzo, a pig, sheep, cow, rooster, chickens, and an unnamed dog.
Statler 	"Boo! Boo!"
Waldorf 	Say the men in the theater box,
Statler & Waldorf	Don't boogie in the barnyard!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The animals pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Very good, barnyard animals. Nicely mooed, oinked and clucked.
Sheep 	What about me?
Kermit	Okay. Baaaaa'd.
Sheep 	I thought it was good.
Kermit	Out, out, out, out!
Sheep 	(sigh)
Kermit	I hate sheep shots.
=="The Daring Young Frog on the Flying Trapeze"==
 	Main stage. Miss Piggy is dressed as a ringmaster.
Miss Piggy	Kermie's all ready, so let us go to le circus!
 	The curtain opens on a circus setting. Kermit, dressed as a trapeze artist, sits on top of a platform with Beauregard at his side.
Miss Piggy	
♪ He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
♪ That daring young frog on the flying trapeze.
Kermit 	I don't know how she gets me into these things.
Beauregard	Are you ready, Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah. Just don't push me hard.
Beauregard	What?
Kermit 	"Push me hard"!
Beauregard	Okay!
 	Beauregard pushes Kermit, who flies across the stage, falls and hurts himself. The music stops.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Kermie! Oh! Oh! (comes to his aid) Are you …
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, I think so, I'm just a little… woozy, that's all.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie …
Gonzo 	Close the curtains!
Miss Piggy	Yes!
Gonzo 	(to Kermit) Wow! What a terrific act! You want a partner?
Miss Piggy	Oh!
 	The curtains close. Fozzie comes onstage.
Fozzie 	Oh — Kermit! Uh — Gonzo, get him backstage. (notices audience) Aaahhh. Don't worry, it's all part of the act. Um … is there a doctor in the house??
Doctor 	Yes. I'm a doctor.
Fozzie 	Oh, could you come up here, sir, please?
Doctor 	I'll be right up.
Fozzie 	(flustered) I told him to use a safety net. But what do I know? I'm only a bear. Can I help you up, sir?
Doctor 	Thank you.
Fozzie 	Say, are — are you a real doctor?
Doctor 	Of course I'm a real doctor. You wanna see my bank balance?
 	Fozzie leads the doctor backstage and addresses the crowd.
Fozzie 	He's backstage. He's just backstage. Uh, don't worry! Uh, there'll be a slight delay. Just talk amongst yourselves! Uh … (groans)
Statler 	Aww. Poor little guy. I hope he's not hurt.
Waldorf 	Well, at least he got the pig to stop singing.
 	They chuckle.
=="Coconut"==
 	Main stage.
Fozzie 	Uh, ahem — ladies and gentlemen, although our beloved Kermit has been seriously injured, he —
Kermit 	Wait, wait, wait, wait. (peeks from curtain) What? Seriously injured? I twisted a flipper.
Fozzie 	Go back, go back, go back. Ahem. Although he has a severely twisted flipper … he is going to go on with the show!
 	The audience applauds.
Fozzie 	Yes, yes, yes, yes! Here he is, our own Kermit the Frog, in … in …
Kermit 	A hospital bed.
Fozzie 	A hospital bed—?
 	A wounded Kermit performs "Coconut" from his hospital bed, attended by the Doctor and two nurses. Slowly things begin to change. First the nurses change, then the doctor turns into the witch doctor! The room becomes a jungle filled with animals, dancing around Kermit's bed. As the song ends, everything returns to normal.
Doctor 	If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do.
 	He exits. The jungle animals reappear around Kermit's bed. Applause.
Statler	Ever gone to a witch doctor?
Waldorf	They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor?
 	They chuckle.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Now for a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model hospital bed used in the "Lime and Coconut" production number. The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for pop-up toasters.
 	SPROING! Kermit lands in the newsroom.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy frantically wheels the medical trolly towards the operating table.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?
Janice 	Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.
 	He lifts the sheet and reveals the patient — Kermit.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Oh! Oh, it's Kermit! My Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit 	Uh, take it easy, I'm okay.
Miss Piggy	(mutters) Quiet. This is a very dramatic moment. (resumes her hysterics) Oh! Oh! Oh! Kermie! I shall nurse you back to health, if it takes a lifetime! Oh!
Janice 	What do you think's wrong with him, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Well, for one thing, he's been badly exposed to over-acting. (laughs) Either that, or overexposed to bad acting. (laughs)
Janice 	Aw, rully.
Miss Piggy	I am not acting. I love him!
Rowlf 	Uh, Nurse Piggy, you cannot let your personal feelings affect your duty. You are a nurse.
Miss Piggy	I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.
Rowlf 	Wrong. You're a pig first! Nurse second. I don't think "woman" made the top ten.
 	He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy	(annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Rowlf 	Oh, he's alright, he's alright. He just looks like he was under heavy sedation.
Janice 	Well, he was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
 	Rowlf and Janice laugh.
Kermit 	It did not!
Janice 	I know, but it's my only joke.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Miss Piggy	Oh! My poor, poor Kermie. Aww.
Rowlf 	Well, he's still breathing, but I think his pulse is weak.
Miss Piggy	Oh — Kermie! Kermie, can you hear me? This is Nurse Piggy! I will never leave your side till you have taken your last breath! Do you think he heard me?
Rowlf 	He must have. His pulse has stopped. (laughs)
Janice 	(groans)
Miss Piggy	If anything happens to him, you will have me to account to!
Rowlf 	Good! I was wondering who was gonna pay his bill. (laughs)
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Kermit say …
Kermit 	Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
Miss Piggy	No, no, Kermie, no, no, don't — no. Stay here, where it's safe.
 	The light fixture falls on her.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Janice 	Oh, rully. Rully.
Statler 	Did you see that?
Waldorf 	Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler 	Yeah. It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show!
 	They chuckle.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) The makers of the light fixture used in that last Veterinarian's Hospital have announced that they are recalling all of their hospital lights. A spokesman for the company said that all manufacturing of that particular light fixture has been dropped.
 	BONK! It falls on his head.
Statler	Do they sell insurance for this show?
 	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with stalks of cilantro, which he tosses. He picks up a loaf of bread.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the loaf.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte møüsse. (mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte …
 	He drizzles it into a bowl.
Swedish Chef	Yüm yüm yüm, de chøcølåte ... (stirs it) gøød, gøød chøcølåte. Ünd nøw, de møüsse.
 	He leads the moose into the kitchen.
Swedish Chef	Møüsse, møüsse. Cøme hëre, de møüsse! (pets it) … de chøcølåte øn de møüsse.
 	He spreads it on the moose's snout, humming.
==Wayne and Wanda==
Sam the Eagle	And now, the finest singing team since Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy. They are awe-inspiring. In fact, when I hear them sing, I go, "Awwww." Here they are, Wayne and Wanda. (mumbles) Get it right.
 	The curtain opens on a ballroom setting.
Wayne 	
Some enchanted evening …
You may meet a stranger…
You may meet a stranger…
 	Gorgon Heap enters and gobbles Wayne up, to Wanda's shock.
Gorgon Heap 	(gobble, gobble)
Wanda 	He said "meet"! Not "eat"! (sobs)
Gorgon Heap 	(shrugs) Well, sorry.
==Pigs in Space==
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob … the recalcitrant first mate, Miss Piggy … and the describable Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was in serious danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, Dr. Strangepork, why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We've lost the #3 engine.
Link Hogthrob 	Well, how long will it take to fix it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We can't. It's really lost, it fell off.
Link Hogthrob 	(frets) Uh! Uh, uh … is there anything we can do?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, we can maintain our present altitude if we lighten the weight of the rocket ship.
Link Hogthrob 	How much weight will we have to toss overboard?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Um... one pig. Yeah, that should do it.
Link Hogthrob 	Rather drastic, isn't it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Link. You're the captain.
Link Hogthrob 	(relieved) Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, I would volunteer myself, except that I'm the only one who knows how all this technical shtuff works.
Link Hogthrob 	That's very true. Well, if it isn't you, or me...
 	Enter Piggy. She sits down, exhausted. Link and Strangepork look at each other.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) Well, I just finished doing the laundry.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	But I'm telling you right now, that is the last laundry this pig is doing!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	You can say that again. (nods)
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Hmm?
Link Hogthrob 	I have a new assignment for you.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yes, my capitan?
Link Hogthrob 	Ahem. Uh, Dr. Strangepork, do you mind?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, of course. See you later, Link. Bon voyage, Miss Piggy. (leaves)
Miss Piggy 	Weird exit line.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, First Mate Piggy, I need your help.
Miss Piggy 	Yes! A real assignment. Yes, yes!
Link Hogthrob 	We are losing altitude…
Miss Piggy 	(gasp)
Link Hogthrob 	…and we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, and... and you want me to help you decide what?
Link Hogthrob 	No.
Miss Piggy 	Oh?
Link Hogthrob 	We've already decided what.
Miss Piggy 	What?
Link Hogthrob 	(gulps)
 	Pause. It sinks in with Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
Link Hogthrob 	(nervous) No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	NO HARD FEELINGS?? WHY YOU… AHH!
 	He ejects her before she can karate-chop him. When he closes the ejector door, she pops up behind him.
Link Hogthrob 	Au revoir, fatso!
 	She taps him on the shoulder.
Miss Piggy 	FATSO THIS!! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him, then stomps on him.
Announcer 	Tune in next week and see the replacement for… PIGS… IN… SPACE!
=="Down at Papa Joe's"==
 	Chickens play "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Statler	Well, to me there's nothing funny about chickens.
 	A chicken pops up and starts pecking Statler. Waldorf laughs.
==Backstage==
Gonzo 	(holding a bouquet) Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in uh, Camilla's dressing room.
Kermit	Oh, Camilla — Camilla the chicken?
Gonzo 	Suppose I get so excited that I faint?
Kermit	Gonzo, I just don't know. I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Gonzo 	She'll have to what?!
Kermit	Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation. (laughs)
Gonzo 	(faints)
Kermit	Gonzo, are you okay?
Gonzo 	(gets up) Of course. I was just rehearsing my faint. (walks off)
Kermit	I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
=="Lullaby of Broadway"==
 	Eskimo pigs sing "Lullaby of Broadway." They are joined by a walrus, a penguin, a bear, and a chicken. Before the big finish, a miner emerges.
Miner 	Hey, Norton, I don't think this is 42nd Street.
 	And cue the big finish.
Statler	Weird. Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf	What?
Statler	Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf	Well, maybe someone broke their ig.
 	They chuckle.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig (RH) 	So you say your uh, boyfriend's name is "Cy"? Cy who?
Whatnot (RH)	(reveals her one eye) Clops!
 	Switch to two Whatnots.
Whatnot (FO)	So uh, what did you think of the movie Jaws?
 	His partner reveals her shark teeth. Switch to a Frackle and a purple monster.
Gonzo 	Uh, excuse me. Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica?
 	The purple monster opens its mouth and a harmonica sound comes out. Switch to a rooster and a chicken.
Rooster (JN)	So, how are the kids, Flo?
Chicken (JN)	Oh, not too good. One of the chicks just came down with the people pox.
Rooster (JN)	Aww.
 	Switch to a pig and another Whatnot.
Pig (LG) 	My horoscope said I should be careful today or some great physical harm could befall me.
Whatnot (JH)	Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition.
 	The chandelier falls on her head. The others inspect.
==Planet Koozebane==
Kermit	This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane. There's a hush in the air. This is the traditional time of courtship of the Koozebanian creatures. We're waiting now for the male Koozebanian creature to make the first move.
 	A high-pitched screech is heard from inside a cave.
Kermit	Hark! That may be him now.
 	The male creature comes out and makes the signal towards another cave.
Kermit	Now, that is the "wonk wonk" signal to the female creature. Let's see if she makes the traditional response.
 	Hysterical laughter is heard from the second cave.
Kermit	Yeah, that is the traditional response to the wonk wonk.
 	The female creature comes out of the second cave, laughing.
Kermit	Ah, there she is, and what a beauty. Now the tender ritual begins. Watch as the male makes the first overture to the female, known as the "hargee".
Male 	(running in circles) Hargee! Hargee! Haaargee!
Female	(hysterical laughter)
Kermit	I believe she likes him.
Male 	(running in circles) Hii-yoo! Hii-yoo! Hiiii-yoo!
 	He flips in the air and lands. She strikes her nose against him.
Kermit	Boy, did you see that? That was the signal. They're going to do the "galley-oh-hoop-hoop".
 	The creatures face away from each other and begin marching.
Kermit	Oh. This should be very exciting. It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen, the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop. Watch closely, now. They're going far away. He's just about to make his turn now.
Male 	Hey you, mar broobee!
Female	(eyes bulging) Me maboobee!
Male 	O-o-o-o-o-oh, yahoo!
Female	Wow! Stavite!
Kermit	This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the galley-oh-hoop-hoop.
Male 	GALLEY-OHHHHH!
Female	HOOP! HOOP!
 	They run towards each other. The collision results in a puff of smoke, and the fallout is a litter of baby creatures.
Kermit	Well, there you have it, friends. Once again, love comes to Koozebane.
 	Applause.
==Dressing Room==
 	Camilla waits in her dressing room, clucking a tune. Gonzo knocks on the door.
Gonzo 	Coocoo-roocoo-roo!
Camilla	(echoes)
Gonzo 	(singsongy) It's me.
Camilla	(shrugs, clucks)
Gonzo 	(enters) Hahaha! Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
 	He hands her the flowers. She sneezes and propels herself away.
Gonzo 	Oh, oh, gosh. I think — I think the room is spinning. I may faint. Aaaah — (faints, then gets up) How was that? (holds up flowers)
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo 	Camilla?
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo 	Camilla? Camilla, aren't you — aren't you going to kiss me?
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo 	Oh, great. Just my luck. A chicken with hayfever.
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo 	Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? Okay? That will make it all better. Okay?
 	Camilla sits down and sighs of relief. Once Gonzo opens the door, she sneezes again, and propels herself out the door.
==Muppet Labs==
 	Camilla lands in Bunsen's lab. She gets up and runs away.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper. Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch. He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
 	The paper ignites. Beaker screams.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	There is no way this paper can burn. With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure. Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs' new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
 	Beaker tries to put out the fire with a hose, but it only gets bigger.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. … Oh, dear.
Beaker 	(screams)
Statler 	What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act?
Waldorf 	I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Statler 	Well, that's a novelty.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit strolls backstage, humming. He runs into the moose.
Moose 	Hi.
Kermit	Uh, hello, yourself.
Moose 	Remember me? Mickey Moose?
Kermit	How can I forget? (frowns)
Moose 	You don't have to get touchy about it.
Duck 	Excuse me. Perchance have you seen a Mickey Moose around?
Kermit	Uh, who wants to know?
Duck 	Uh, Ronald. Ronald Duck.
Moose 	(laughs)
Kermit	Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose? Would you guys get out of here? (shoos them out the door) Come on, out!
Duck 	'Tis a far far better moose and duck you find before you…
Kermit	GET OUT!!
==Editorial==
 	A trumpet fanfare plays as Sam the Eagle steps up to his podium.
Sam	(clears throat) I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked?! Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough. But animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! (grunts) And it's not just the quadrupeds either! Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs... (looks down at himself)
 	Sam covers himself and sheepishly exits.
==Pigs in Space==
 	The Swinetrek quickly falls in mid-space.
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Open on the inside of the Swinetrek, which is tilted to the right.
Announcer 	When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it had developed a severe list.
Miss Piggy 	Do something!
Link Hogthrob 	(fiddling with the controls) I can't correct it! There's something wrong with the gyro-slopic … what do you call it, Dr. Strangepork?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know, but if it isn't fixed, it'll sure louse up our billiard game tonight.
Link Hogthrob 	Right.
Miss Piggy 	But — maybe I can fix it.
Link Hogthrob 	You?
Miss Piggy 	Hah. (grunts)
 	She moves towards the center, and the ship balances out.
Link Hogthrob 	Hey.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. Well. Ahem. I fixed it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But all you did was sit in Link's seat.
Link Hogthrob 	Maybe it took a woman's touch! (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	It's working, isn't it, gentlemen?
Link Hogthrob 	Yes it is. Okay, let me back in my own seat here.
 	He switches seats with Piggy, and the ship immediately tilts again.
Miss Piggy 	(grunts) 'Scuse me. Whoa! Wait! Wait! Oh no!
Link Hogthrob 	Help! Help! It's doing it again.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Wait. First Mate Piggy, come here please.
Miss Piggy 	Why?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Just come here.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) All right. (grunts) Watch it.
 	She makes her way over to Strangepork, and the ship tilts in the other direction.
Miss Piggy 	What is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Link, I think we've found the answer. (indicates Piggy)
Link Hogthrob 	Oh?
Miss Piggy 	It's a coincidence, Strangepork!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh yeah? Then why don't you go back to your own seat?
Miss Piggy 	Well, I think I will! Ahem. (grunts)
 	She makes her way over to her seat, and almost makes it when she realizes…
Miss Piggy 	Uh-oh.
 	She quickly sits down, and the ship rapidly tilts to the right.
Link Hogthrob 	Hey, I get it now! (points to Piggy and laughs)
Miss Piggy 	One word from you, lard-lips, and you're dead!
Link Hogthrob 	As you wish, First Mate FATSO! (laughs with Strangepork)
Miss Piggy 	FATSO?! That does it! Hi-YAH!
 	She uses her weight as a weapon.
Link Hogthrob 	Help! Get her away from me!
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
 	The tilt/chase continues. Blackout.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Fozzie 	(peeking from the curtain) Kermit, Kermit, please, now me, please?
Kermit 	Yes, now!
Fozzie 	Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit 	Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to an overwhelming demand... from him, if not from the rest of us... here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience...
 	Briefly cut to the audience with Fozzie's mother.
Fozzie 	(calls) Hi, Ma!
 	Fozzie's mother waves from the audience.
Fozzie 	I will do a special act. Phrenology!
Kermit 	Phren-what?
Fozzie 	And — and — and for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer. (grabs Kermit)
Kermit 	Fozzie, what are you — what are you gonna do?
Fozzie 	Trust me, it's for my mother. Okay! Okay, gang... phrenology. The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head.
Fozzie 	Okay. Now, here we go. Mm. Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person. Mm.
Kermit 	Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Yes, okay, okay, here we go. Uh … I can see in your future... (turns Kermit's head) Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck. — Oh, 'scuse me, yes, okay.
Kermit 	You're gonna — you're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.
Fozzie 	Please, please. Do it — do it for Mom.
Kermit 	Yeah, sure. For Mother.
Fozzie 	Okay, here we go! Bumps! You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps.
Kermit 	Wonderful.
Fozzie 	Gee, except your, uh... Your bumps for intelligence are very small.
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	Yeah. That — 's okay. I can fix that.
Kermit 	You're gonna what?
 	Fozzie whacks Kermit on the head with a mallet.
Fozzie 	You will notice —
Kermit 	FOZZIE!! WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE!! (chases him away)
 	The curtain closes as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Waldorf	More! More!
Statler	Less! Less!
=="Octopus's Garden"==
 	Robin the Frog and Kermit sing "Octopus' Garden" with an aquatic band, Miss Piggy as a mermaid and Animal, who's chased by a large stingray.
Waldorf	Well, that was different.
Statler	Did you like it?
Waldorf	No.
Statler	Then it wasn't different! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
Kermit	(through the intercom) OK. Stand by for the Western sketch.
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit	Hm?
Fozzie	Hey, uh … (deep voice) … does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit	Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
 	Fozzie does so.
==Cowboy Time==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time.
 	Open on a saloon in the old west. Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf 	I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the West. I mean, we had some mean customers.
Purple monster	Howdy, Rowlf.
Rowlf 	Uh, hello, Miss Kitty. (continues) I mean, they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers … not to mention the Osmond brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothin'.
 	Fozzie enters, aiming a pair of pickles and talking in a deep voice.
Fozzie 	All right, everybody. Reach for the floor.
Rowlf 	Beg pardon?
Fozzie 	Reach for the floor. This is a stickdown.
Bartender 	You're confused, Kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles.
 	The patrons laugh. Fozzie glances at the pickles.
Bartender 	That's right, folks. There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West.
 	The patrons laugh.
Cowboy 	You got a license to carry them pickles?
 	The patrons laugh.
Rowlf 	Hey, wh-when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns?
 	The patrons laugh.
Fozzie 	All right, you asked for it.
 	He fires the pickles in all directions, knocking down the chandelier. The bartender hands him a bag.
Bartender 	(cowering) Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
 	Rowlf aims a revolver at Fozzie.
Rowlf 	All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got you covered. Throw down your pickles.
Fozzie 	OK. (throws them down) I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
 	He whips out a carrot. Rowlf knocks it out of Fozzie's hand.
Rowlf 	Will you stop with the vegetables?
Fozzie 	Boy, you shouldn't have done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures.
 	He takes out an apple-bomb with a lit fuse. The patrons scream.
Rowlf 	Oh, no!
Bartender 	It's an apple!
Rowlf 	And don't tell me —
Fozzie 	Yes. The fuse is lit. (notices) The fuse is lit???
 	He tosses the apple. BOOM! It explodes. When the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to the piano and resumes playing.
Rowlf 	And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
Statler 	Why's that?
Waldorf 	They think explosions are funny.
Statler 	Yes.
Waldorf 	Explosions aren't funny.
 	BANG! Stapler's cigar explodes.
Waldorf 	Although some of them are really quite droll. (chuckles)
=="I Go To Rio"==
 	Main stage.
Kermit	Let's go to Rio! Yaaaay!
 	Eric the Parrot leads a group of small animals in singing "I Go to Rio."
==Vendaface==
 	Fozzie passes by Vendaface.
Vendaface	Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully automatic psychiatric machine. Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will tell you what your problem is.
Fozzie 	Oh, yes, yes, yes.
 	He inserts a coin.
Vendaface	Please insert another coin.
 	He inserts another coin.
Vendaface	Please insert another coin.
 	He inserts another coin.
Fozzie 	OK, OK. Now, what is my problem?
Vendaface	You are much too generous.
Fozzie 	(starts kicking the machine) Gah! What do you mean, much too generous?
Vendaface	You also have a rotten temper.
 	Two mechanical hands emerge and grab Fozzie by the neck. Meanwhile, Statler hangs from the balcony.
Waldorf 	I think that was great. Right, Statler? … Statler! You fell.
Statler 	No, my upper plate fell. I jumped after it.
 	Waldorf chuckles.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with two spoons.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the spoons and reacts in shock when he hears an explosion. He points to a chocolate cake on the table.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de cøokën cåkën. (mock Swedish)
 	He displays an icing tube and starts icing the cake, then garnishes it with fruit, jelly candies and sprinkles.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	He cuts into the cake with a knife, and the cake yelps in a Japanese accent.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Cake 	(mock Japanese)
 	The Chef takes out a translation book and frantically thumbs through it.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Cake 	(mock Japanese) EEEEE-YOOOO-SHIATSU!
 	The Chef takes out a baseball bat.
Swedish Chef	"E-yo-shiatsu"? (mock Swedish) … de cåkën smøoshër! (mock Japanese) … HIYO!
 	He smashes the cake.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, l've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.
Beaker 	Meep meep meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes. Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever. Ahem. Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this. Up...
 	He pulls a lever, and Beaker rises.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	...down.
 	He lowers Beaker.
Beaker 	Meep meep! Meep meep meep…!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby. (sigh)
 	He pulls the lever all the way down, and Beaker grows taller and taller.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.
Beaker 	(screaming)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks. That's all for today from Muppet Labs. Timber!
 	Beaker's legs collapse in the opposite direction. CRASH!
==Birds==
 	A man listens to the singing of several birds, including his own pet bird that's in a cage, until a giant chicken crashes through his wall and puts him in the cage.
Waldorf	Terrible.
Statler	Awful. I hated it.
 	A giant chicken appears behind them, roaring.
Waldorf	Wonderful!
Statler	Spectacular.
Waldorf	I loved it.
Statler	Yeah, I loved it.
==Backstage==
 	Some entranced chickens stand behind him.
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, Gonzo, stand by for your hypnotism act. Chickens, what are you doing here? Shoo, shoo!
Gonzo 	Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	Careful!
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	(whispers) Those chickens are hypnotized.
Kermit 	Hypnotized chickens?
Gonzo 	Yes. They're in my power.
Kermit 	Uh … Gonzo. I, I don't believe this.
Gonzo 	Oh, sure. See, I hypnotize 'em and then I can get 'em to do anything I want.
Kermit 	Uh, like what?
Gonzo 	Animal impressions. (to chickens) Puppy dog!
Chickens	(entranced) Bark-bark. Bark-bark. Bark-bark.
Kermit 	Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible. I'm not even gonna introduce you for a crummy act like that.
Gonzo 	Sic him.
 	They start attacking Kermit and pushing him onstage.
Chickens	(entranced) Bow-wow, bow-wow.
Gonzo 	Down, girl.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	The chickens push Kermit onstage.
Kermit 	Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll introduce him.
Chicken	Meow.
Kermit 	Huh? Uh, any how, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, your own and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! (shoos chickens) Off, off, off, off.
 	A fanfare plays, and only a few people clap as the curtain opens on Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Thank you, thank you. And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a trance. Aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion, my subject will support, with only one hand, this — (the curtain opens on a —) five thousand pound weight. Who will be the first lucky volunteer?
 	Statler and Waldorf look down at the crowd.
Gonzo 	Well, it's just a question of mind over matter.
Waldorf	That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter.
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	You'll live to regret this!
Statler	We intend to!
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	I just don't understand you people! Immortality is up for grabs! But you don't deserve it.
Waldorf	No, but you do.
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem.
 	He looks in a hand mirror.
Gonzo 	Look deep into my eyes. … Make my mind a COMPLETE blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. … I am falling into my power. When I count three I will have the strength of an army. One, two, three.
 	He gets under the weight and attempts to hold it up.
Gonzo 	Release the ropes!
 	The ropes are released.
Statler	That's very impressive. But how do you get out of it?
Gonzo 	It's simple. I just snap my fingers.
 	He snaps his fingers, and the weight falls on top of him. Statler and Waldorf laugh. Gonzo, having been squished, lifts the weight off himself.
Gonzo 	Hey Kermit! It went terrific!
Waldorf	He says it went terrific, but I know how he really feels.
Statler	How's that?
Waldorf	(gestures) About so high.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks down at Gonzo as he passes by.
Kermit	Okay, that was a, uh, nice one, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	It was a triumph.
Kermit	Yeah. I don't know where you find these acts to do.
Gonzo 	Oh, I just keep my ear to the ground.
Kermit	It looks like it. (goes onstage)
==Muppet Glee Club==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Uh, you will all be happy to know that Gonzo did survive that last act, and is about to embark on a new career as a lump. (gulp) But now it's time for our closing number. Are we ready back there?
Voice (FO) 	Who wants to know?
Kermit 	I do!
Voice (FO) 	Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry, boss.
Statler 	Say, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you ... (goes silent while talking)
Waldorf 	Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler 	(laughs) I fool him every time!
 	Waldorf smacks him in the face.
 	Kermit corrals a group of pigs, chickens and frogs.
Kermit 	OK, uh, Muppet Glee Club, Muppet Glee Club onstage, please. Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right, Everybody in position, please. OK. Everybody ready? The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and …
 	He starts conducting. Nothing happens.
Kermit 	Uh, uh … wait, wait, wait. Something is amiss here.
Frog (RH) 	I thought it was lovely.
Chicken (EO) 	You wave that stick wonderfully.
Pig (DG) 	Yeah, when it comes to stick waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Kermit 	Uh, well, thank you, thank you. I do appreciate that kind comment, but uh, I would like to point out to all assembled here that this is a glee club.
Chicken (EO) 	Oh, yes, that is what our letterhead says.
Kermit 	Yeah. So when I wave this stick so wonderfully, I would like to hear something.
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring)
Frog (JL) 	We were remiss in that regard.
Kermit 	OK. Here we go. One more time. The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and —
 	They all sing different songs at once.
Kermit 	Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold! Hold it, Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop. How shall I say this? Uh, excuse me, friends, but uh, to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing THE SAME SONG!
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring) Oh, I love it!
Chicken (EO) 	It's so wild!
Pig (DG) 	The frog is a genius.
Miss Piggy 	He's awful cute too.
Kermit 	It really doesn't matter what song you sing, as long as we all agree to the song that we're going to sing.
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring) OK.
Kermit 	OK? Now, does anybody here have a favorite song?
Muppet Glee Club	(in unison) Yes!
Kermit 	Uh, uh, w-what song is that?
Muppet Glee Club	(in unison) "Temptation"!
Kermit 	Since there seems to be some consensus of opinion here, the Muppet Glee Club will now render "Temptation." Piggy, honey?
Miss Piggy 	Hm?
Kermit 	You can take the solo.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, my love.
Kermit 	OK. Here we go.
Miss Piggy 	(aside) I love him.
Kermit 	The Muppet Glee Club, "Temptation." One and two and —
 	The Glee Club begins an a cappella rendition of "Temptation." Kermit lets Piggy take the solo in her first featured performance, and when her cue comes, she marches down the risers and throws herself at Kermit while he conducts, ultimately pinning him to the ground before chasing him offstage.
 	The audience applauds.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, that's just about the end of another magical Muppet medley of mirth and misery.
Statler 	All right, frog! We watched the show!
Waldorf 	Yeah! Unlock the doors!
 	The credits roll.
Waldorf 	Well, what did you think?
Statler 	Beats sitting home watching television.
Mahna Mahna	Mahna mahna!
 	THE END
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