Someone's in the Kitchen with Tasia

The second chapter of Total Drama Revolution, posted on June 14, 2011. For their first challenge, the contestants face off in a cooking showdown, where both teams' most outspoken members (so, all of them) clash.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama Revolution..." begins Chis, "We met our twenty campers. That's kinda the only thing that happened. Well, let's see how they're doing now."
The campers are in the same spot as they were in the last episode.
"What the crap are we supposed to do, dribblets?" says Northworth curtly.
"Now, you just sit tight for a moment while me and Chef determine the challenge for today." says Chris.
"Actually, the proper way of saying it would be 'Chef and I.' Chris, if you want to host a reality show, you should probably learn some proper grammar." states Cammy.
"Cammy, I don't really appreciate your snide remarks." says Chris.
"Dude, I'm not trying to be snide, I'm just saying--" says Cammy.
"La, la, la, is somebody talking? Because all I hear is a farting noise. Pfffft." mocks Chris.
"Hey, man, are we ever gonna actually do a challenge?" whispers Donny.
"I don't know, mate. He's been standin' here for like an hour." says Vincent.
"Yeah, man, I'm gettin' kinda bored." says Donny. "I feel like goin' to bed." He stares over at Vincent, who is asleep on the ground. "All right, then."
"Hey, Chelsey, have you ever had a boyfriend?" asks Elle.
"No, I've been single my whole life." says Chelsey sarcastically.
"Well, I have the thing for you. This attracts boys every day. When I wore it, I got like seven boyfriends." says Elle. She pulls out a hairy thing from her backpack.
"What the fudgeballs is that?" asks Northworth, who approaches the girls.
"It's a Snooki wig. It attracts the opposite gender!" says Elle happily.
"No way am I wearing that." says Chelsey, and she walks away.
"Hey, Southworth, do you want Snooki boobies?" asks Elle. "They're inflatable."
"You disturb me." says Northworth, and he evacuates.
"So, have you ever been to summer camp?" asks Mattie.
"Oh, yeah, I love it there! I quit going when I was six, though." says Abbey.
"You seem all right. But, I must ask you, why are you so rude to boys?" asks Mattie.
"I'm not sexist or anything, I just really don't want a boyfriend, and I do not appreciate boys using me for my looks." says Abbey.
"I haven't had a boyfriend in forever." says Mattie.
"That Toad kid sure seems to like you." says Abbey.
"Yeah, well, he's three feet tall and he looks like a four year old. I'm deathly afraid of four year olds." says Mattie.
"How nice." says Abbey.
"Hey, man, show me how to do those cool skateboard tricks." says Antoine.
"I don't know, dude, you might get injured." says Trick hesitantly.
"Come on, man." says Antoine, and he gets onto Trick's skateboard.
"Irving doesn't like everyone." says Trick cautiously. "He's a little moody today. On the way here, he called me a rude word."
"Come on, man." says Antoine again. He begins to skateboard, but falls and breaks his glasses. "Aw, dang it!"
"See, man, I told you. But we're still bros." says Trick.
"Aw, dude, these glasses cost..." says Antoine. He then realizes that there's an extra pair in his pocket, and puts them on. "Better."
"All right, bro-migo, if you wanna get buff like yours truly, ya have to learn how to fight." says Gustavo.
"Oh, please." scoffs Dolph.
"C'mon, arm wrestle me, mon." says Gustavo. "I swear, I'll go easy."
"All right, fine." says Dolph hesitantly. "Hey, Kim, wanna be our score-keeper?"
"Sure, but I am not responsible for any injuries or broken limbs that occur, jus' lettin' you know." says Kim.
Dolph and Gustavo start to arm-wrestle. After about a second, Dolph falls onto the ground, unconscious.
"You killed him." says Kim.
"Eh, no I didn't." says Gustavo. "Look, he's gettin' up."
"I don't like you, Gus." says Dolph weakly, as he gets off the ground.
Tasia is asleep on the ground. Ori and Lizza approach her.
"Now, whatever you do, don't wake her up. I have to draw a mustache on her face." says Ori evilly.
"Aww, I like mustaches!" screams Lizza. "My mom has a mustache!"
"Shut up!" hisses Ori. "Now, don't say a word..."
"FISH CAKES!" screams Lizza.
Tasia groggily wakes up. "What's goin' on heeeere?"
"That turd was gonna draw on your face!" screams Lizza, who is bouncing around.
"No, I wasn't. She had more caffeine and is just acting loopy again." says Ori.
"Bullying isn't nice, duuuude." says Tasia.
"But, I wasn't, I didn't--" says Ori.
"Talk to th' haaaand." says Tasia ignorantly.
PJ is sitting on the ground.
The camera moves to Kavren, Toad, and MacKenzie.
"Hey, MacKenzie, you're hot." says Toad.
"I've been told." says MacKenzie in an annoyed tone.
"Dude, that's not how you talk to girls." says Kavren. "Let me show ya, bro."
"Kavren, I'm trying not to be mean, but I don't really appreciate the company." says MacKenzie.
"Whatevs." says an annoyed Kavren. He whispers a curse to Toad.
"All right, everyone, we've come up with a plan for today's challenge!" says Chris.
"Finally." says Northworth.
"If we were to do a talent show, what kinds of things would you do?" asks Chris.
Donny takes out his ponytail holder, revealing a mass of green hair. He begins to flip it about. "I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth!" he sings.
"That's kind of disturbing, dude." says Chris.
"California gurls, we're unforgettable, daisy dukes, bikinis on top." sings Vincent.
"I hate that song." groans Chris.
Lizza begins to break dance violently.
"Ugh, I don't think we're gonna be able to do a talent show." says Chris. "So, let's do plan B. You guys are gonna compete in a cook-off!"
"What now?" asks Northworth.
"Each team will prepare a complete meal in the fanciest restaurant in town. You can choose what style of food you can make, just make it edible. At the end of the challenge, we'll bring in five customers who will decide which team's food they like better. The winning team gets invincibility, and the losing team has to vote someone off. Now, come with me." says Chris, and he leads the kids to an enormous and spacious restaurant.
"Whoa, this place is a beaut." says Antoine. "I love cooking."
"BWAHAHAHA!" laughs Northworth obnoxiously.
"What, is something funny?" asks Antoine.
"Um, yeah, kinda..." says Northworth in between tears of rude laughter. "Boys aren't supposed to like cooking!"
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard." says Cammy. "It's okay, Antoine, I think that it's kinda cool. You can help us win."
"Yeah, man, what kind of food do you like to cook?" asks Trick.
"I like French food." says Antoine. "C'est vrai, Antoine est un cuisinière chouette!"
"I have no idea what you just said." says Elle. "But it sounded great!"
"Yeah, I agree." says Chelsey. "With a team member that knows French, we're bound to win."
"All right, guys, you have two hours to complete a meal. Begin!" says Chris.
The Dancing Bugs are thinking of ideas.
"Allrighteveryone, I'mafantasticchefsoyouguysshouldhavemeasyourheadchef." says Lizza, while bouncing about angrily.
"I did not understand a word you just said." says Kim.
"Me neither, a'ight?" asks Vincent.
"Hey, duuuuuudes, let's listen to her. She may be comin' up with something cooooool." says Tasia, on the ground.
"Why are you on the ground?" asks Dolph.
"I don't knooooow, mate. I don't knooooow." groans Tasia.
"Yeah, just leave her alone." says Gustavo. "Hey, looks like our hyper team captain has already made the first dish."
"Here ya go!" screams Lizza, holding up something that looks like dung with parsley on it.
"Is that crap?" asks Donny.
"I think so." whispers Vincent. "I think she put some parsley on it."
"I'm totally not tasting that." says Abbey. "It looks disgusting."
"So do you, ugly Betty." says Ori. "Your shirt is gross, too."
"Evidently he's in his not-nice form." whispers Mattie. Abbey nods.
The Epic Platypi are doing very well.
"All right, guys, the baguette should be almost ready." says Antoine.
"Baguette? Is that like a girl bag?" asks Kavren.
"Um, no, it's a type of bread, you Dumbellina." says Northworth.
"Don't be too harsh on the little guy." says MacKenzie.
"Dude, he's not little. He's taller than me, idiot." says Northworth.
MacKenzie smiles nervously. She whispers to Trick, "Nice team we have here." Trick nods.
"Everyone, the baguette is out of the oven." says Antoine, pulling out a piece of bread.
"Mmm, I heard that those things make your boobs big." says Elle, and she eats it up.
"Elle, you idiot!" screams Cammy.
"I'm sorry, I just wanna have a healthier body." says Elle.
"Bigger boobs do not make you look healthier!" screams Cammy.
"Um, actually, they do." says Chelsey, pointing to her chest.
PJ sits there awkwardly.
"I really have nothing to say about this conversation." says Antoine.
"Mmmmm, I do." says Toad excitedly.
"I'm gonna go take a leak." says Trick. "You guys have issues."
"Let me come with." says Antoine.
The two go to the bathroom, running as fast as they can.
On the other side, Lizza is trying to make sushi.
"All right, everyone, I love sushi! Sushi is amazing! Let me make it! Please! Please! Please! Ple--" says Lizza.
Kim puts her hand over her mouth. "Shut up."
"Aw, come on! Do you want to try my dung and parsley dish instead? Come on! Eat it! Pleeeease!" says Lizza.
"I think I'm getting a migraine." says Donny, who clutches his forehead.
"I'm with ya, mate." says Vincent.
Chris walks into the kitchen. "Guys, I think it's time for judging."
"Ugh, already?" asks Abbey. "We basically did nothing."
"Our hyper little frenemy, Lizza, controlled the kitchen." says Dolph.
Gustavo cracks his knuckles and mutters an inappropriate word.
"All right, everyone, we have five customers." says Chris. "Let's meet them."
A smug-looking and short redhead comes into the restaurant, followed by a tough-looking girl with a skull tattoo, a freckly blonde girl with a track sweatshirt, a pretty girl with literally red hair, and a squat Japanese dude.
"Okay, each customer gets to try the two meals. Chef, if you please?" asks Chris.
Chef comes out with the two meals. The Epic Platypi have crepes, a baguette, some fancy French cheese, and a side of eclairs, while the Dancing Bugs have a greenish flabby thing that looks like a cross between mac 'n' cheese and dung.
"Yeah, ours is totally the best." says Mattie sarcastically. "What what?"
The redhead customer eats both, then vomits. "That mac 'n' cheese thing was the worst thing in my entire life. I'll take five of the French meals, please."
The tough looking customer eats the Platypi's meal. "I don't even want to eat the other thing. It's too nasty to be called food."
The freckly blonde girl eats both. "I think I'm gonna have atomic diarrhea."
The pretty red haired girl eats the Bugs' meal, then starts crying and runs away.
The squat Japanese dude eats the nasty dung thing. "I actually like this better." he says. "And no, I'm not just saying that so I can be different. Well, maybe I am. See ya. Off to play some Call of Pooty: White Pops."
Everyone stands there awkwardly.
"I think we have a winner!" says Chris. "Other team, vote out someone."
The two teams are now at the dining hall. Donny and the other boys of the Dancing Bugs are discussing girls.
"So, who's the best looker here?" asks Ori.
"We don't have any good ones, except that Mattie girl. I want to have her babies." says Dolph smugly.
"Good luck wit' that." says Vincent. "I like that MacKenzie girl on the other team."
"Good luck wit' that." says Dolph, repeating the same thing that Vincent said.
"I think Chelsey is the hottest girl here by far. I mean, I don't just think she's hot. I kinda have a crush." says Donny.
"But she's, like, snobby an' mean." says Vincent.
"Dolph, Ori, and I are snobby an' mean. An' you're still talkin' to us." says Gustavo. "I wonder if Chelsey likes pants?"
"♪ Gotta get pants! Go get your pants! Button, fly! ♪" sings Donny.
Tasia is getting drunk on water. "Duuuuuuude, do you know how much water I should be drinkin'?"
"♪ 8 ounces, 8 glasses, 8 days a week! ♪" sings Donny.
"Wow, you sure do have a lot of musical lessons." says Mattie, overhearing their conversation. "I think it's cute."
Vincent pokes Donny. "Go for her, she's better than Chelsey."
Chelsey is watching Elle burp Snooki's most famous quotes.
"I learned how to do that a while ago." says Elle proudly.
"Guuuuuuuurl." says Chelsey.
"Yeah, you should go for Mattie." says Vincent. "Trust me, mate."
The Epic Platypi boys are focusing on something different: bathroom humor.
Kavren farts, then laughs.
"That was kind of an epic one." says Trick.
"Nah, nah." says Antoine. "Lemme show ya how it's done." Antoine farts very loudly.
"That's gross." says Abbey from the other table. "Stupid boys and their insipid potty humor."
Toad does a wimpy little fart. "BRRM."
"You call that a fart?" asks Northworth. "My mom can fart better than that."
"Aw, shut up, dude. This whole time, you've done nothing except insult others. You know, I have a million things I could say about you." says Trick.
"Like what, butt?" asks Northworth.
"You're skinny and short. Your ears are too big. Your neck is like a giraffe. You have an ugly scar on your neck. Your torso is big and your legs are little, like Duncan. Sagging does not look good on you. Buzz-cuts are stupid. You have too many freckles. Your voice is weird. You're too skinny. You're--" says Trick.
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I GET IT." says Northworth. "Gawsh."
"See, man? Stop making fun of others, and I'll stop." says Trick.
"Fine, dude." says Northworth. "I'm gonna go to sleep."
"It's only 6:30." says Kavren.
"Who cares?" asks Northworth.
"I'm just saying, you should probably..." says Kavren. Northworth is asleep. "Okay then. Hey, didn't that happen earlier with Donny and Vincent?"
"We're only two chapters in and the author is already repeating jokes." says Antoine.
"What a desperate loser." says Trick.
The girls are trying to sing.
"I'm Elle-riffic! So, so, so terrific! I'm fa-fa-famous! Famous!" sings Elle.
"Yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday." sings Chelsey.
"..." says PJ.
"Hey, do you ever talk?" asks Elle.
PJ mutters something.
"Come on, we won't hurt you." says Cammy. "Well, Tacgnol will, but we won't."
"Muh." says PJ.
"OMG, you talked." says Cammy. "Nice going."
"..." says PJ again.
The Dancing Bugs are in their dorm, trying to figure out who to vote out.
"All right, mates, we're voting a girl out, right?" asks Dolph.
"Um, yeah. Last two seasons' first outs were dudes." says Donny.
"It doesn't matter what gender they are, it's how they play the game." says Ori sweetly.
"Shut up, chicken cup." says Gustavo groggily. "I voted for that Liz girl, or whatever her name is. I'm goin' to beddy-bye."
"Good idea. Lizza's an annoying little beast." says Vincent.
"Hey, guys!" screams Lizza, walking up to them. "I just had, like, fifty Mountain Fizzes. Now I'm even more CA-RAY-ZAY!!!!"
Gustavo wakes up and slaps his forehead.
Chris is at the elimination ceremony. "Tonight, you guys will get remainders of the food challenge for your invincibility passes. The first one of the season goes to Tasia." He passes some slimy mac 'n' cheese to her.
"Yeah, duuuuude." says Tasia. "Another daaay."
"Vincent, Gustavo, and Dolph are safe." says Chris, and they get their mac 'n' cheese.
"Ugh, I thought we would never have to see this again." says Dolph.
"Kim, Abbey, Donny, and Mattie." says Chris. "Come and get your mac 'n' cheese, girls."
Donny, who was called a girl, rolls his eves.
"Ori and Lizza. Both of you got some votes. The final mac 'n' cheese goes to..."
"Ori."
"Great job, you slimy idiot. I'm safe. You guys learned a lesson tonight, never vote for Ori Gerard!" he shouts.
"What? Why me? I thought I was cool! I'm like the most well-liked contestant!" says Lizza hyperly.
"No you're not. Everyone hates you." says Gustavo.
"Fine then. Be that way. I guess..." says Lizza, and she gets onto the Taxi of Losers, which drives away.
"Good riddance." says Vincent.
"Who will be second to go? Find out in the next action packed episode of Total Drama Revoluuuution!" says Chris.
==Author's Notes==
*The chapter title is a reference to a lyric from the folk song "I've Been Working on the Railroad."
*Lizza's dish of 'dung with parsley on top' was most likely a reference to a picture book about 'fancy' dogs that my family used to own. 
*The five customers who show up to taste the dishes are implied to be Julia, Chrissy, Meg, Cat from Victorious (who once appeared as a character in my failed collab Total Drama Arcade), and Suzuki, co-host of Total Drama Tokyo.