Ruby Gets Shot!

Ruby Gets Shot! is a puss-poundly unfunny special by Then bends! If you write specials like this, it is a sign of mental illness.
== Transcript ==
* WARNING: It’s obvious what this is based off of. Every single joke that could’ve been made about the situation has already been made about it. It’s stale. It’s old new news. This episode is probably not funny, though It would’ve been had I finished it earlier. I’m only publishing this production because I enjoyed writing it.
* Fan (BFDI): I HATE living through historical events!
=== Musical Number 1 ===
* Boris Gardiner: Every Ruby is a star, ay, every RUBY is a star, ay, every RUBY is a star, ay, every RUBY is a star, ay, every RUBY is a star, ay. Who will deny that you and I and Every Ruby is a star?
* [Shot of Ruby’s house.]
* Tennis Ball: Ruby, what are you doing?
* Ruby: Crack.
* Tennis Ball: What the fuck?!
* Ruby: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, TB. 
* Tennis Ball: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute... Where'd you get crack? 
* Ruby: From Blacks. 
* Tennis Ball: What? 
* Ruby: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.
* [Transition to the Clubhouse of Awesomeness.]
* Ruby: Hey everyone! Look what I brought!
* Pencil: Ruby, what’s that?
* Ruby: Cocaine!
* Match: Um, Ruby, what’s that?
* Ruby: Just try it!
* Bubble: Okay!
* [Bubble scarfs down all of it.]
* Pencil: Bubble! I wanted to have some!
* Bubble: Oh, soiry!
* Match: Pence-pence, we should demote Bubble to like, a Bember.
* Bubble: (BFDI GASP)
* Narrator: One Crack Later…
* Ruby: I FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!
* Bubble: THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!! WE SHOULD DO THIS ALL THE TOIME!!
* Pencil: Ruby, are you sure?
* Match: Yeah, Bubble’s acting really hyper!
* Ruby: WELL I’M ALWAYS LIKE THIS!
* [Book comes in.]
* Book: What's going on here? Why is Bubble acting like that?
* Ruby: Oh, hey Book! We just discovered the secret to happiness! It's called crack!
* Pencil: Um, Book! You’re an alternate! You’re not allowed inside here!
* Book: Ruby, Bubble, you need to stop this. It's dangerous and illegal!
* Ruby: COME ON, BABE! HERE YOU HAVE SOME!
* [Ruby pulls some crack out of her pocket and force feeds it Book.]
* Book: Ruby, I-Whoa, this feels... AMAZING!
* Ruby: RIGHT???
* Bubble: THIS IS THE BEST FEELING EVER!!
* Pencil: Ruby, this isn't right! Drugs can kill! 
* [Transition to an area with a red colorful background. Pencil is now in front of a yellow square in the top right, and text saying “JUST SAY NO!” is seen in the top left corner.]
* Pencil: And if you do drugs, you go to hell before you die. (desperate) Please?
* Match: Yeah, this is like, so totally not cool!
* Ruby: OH, MATCHY. YOU’RE JUST BEING A KILLJOY! HERE YOU HAVE SOME CRACK! (to Pencil) YOU HAVE SOME CRACK! EVERYONE GETS CRACK!
* Pencil: OH MY GOSH, RUBY! YOU’RE THE BEST PERSON EVER!
* Match: THIS IS SOOO GOOD! AUGH, I NEED MORE. I NEEEEEED MORE.
* Ruby: RIGHT???
* Match: I’LL LIKE, ORDER SOME ON AMAZON RIGHT NOW.
* Ruby: NO, NO, NO! CRACK IS ILLEGAL IN BIKINI BOTTOM.
* Match: WHAT! PENCE-PENCE I CAN LIKE, NOT BELIEVE THIS!
* Pencil: (suddenly stops being so hyperactive) I know what we should do.
* Ruby: WHAT?
* Pencil: We should hold a rally and spread the good word of Crack in Bikini Bottom!
* Freesmarters: (BFDI Yeah! Sound effect)
* Ruby: AND I CAN LEAD US! BECAUSE I INTRODUCED US ALL TO IT!
* Freesmarters: (BFDI Yeah! Sound effect)
* [Cool Transition.]
* Pencil: Alright FreeSmarters, we need to make sure this rally goes perfectly! We've got to convince everyone that crack should be legal!
* Match: Like, totally, Pence-Pence! We can totally do this!
* Bubble: Yoylecake!
* Book: Ruby, remember not to leave the lens cap on this time, okay?
* Ruby: I won’t! Oh, you guys are the best!
* Ice Cube: Hey, guys! Can I part of the episode too?
* Ruby: (in SpongeBob voice) Nah!
* Pencil: Ok, Match! Can you handle making the posters to promote it?
* Match: Of course, Pence-pence!
* Pencil: Seriously, Ruby, don't leave the lens cap on the camera like you did last time! We lost over three years of work when that happened!
* Book: We should make sure we have all our arguments ready. Like, why crack should be legal and how it can benefit everyone!
* Match: Like, yeah! And we can totally mention how it makes us feel sooooo good!
* [Static. Cut to The Clubhouse of Awesomeness]
* Ruby: OKAY, TEAM! WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THIS RALLY IS THE BEST RALLY EVER!
* Pencil: Ruby, put the megaphone down! We can hear you just fine.
* Ruby: Sorry! I'm just so pumped!
* Book: We know, Ruby. But let's focus. We need to make sure we have our points ready.
* Tennis Ball: You gotta have your points… WELL READ!
* Book: (in Penn Jillette voice) Shut the fuck up!
* Tennis Ball: Well read!
* [Book shoots Tennis Ball six times.]
* Golf Ball: (in Brian Griffin voice) Nooo! Tennis Ball! What have you done!
* [Book shoots Golf Ball six times.]
* Pencil: So, let’s go over our points again. Why should crack be legal in Bikini Bottom? 
* Bubble: Because it makes us feel so good! 
* Book: And it can bring happiness to everyone! 
* Ice Cube: Um…
* Match: It's, like, totally a stress reliever! 
* Ruby: Exactly! And I'll tell them all about how it changed our lives for the better!
* Everyone: (BFDI Yeah! Sound effect)
* Book: Guys! The episode is almost at 100 lines!
* Ruby: How many are we at now?
* Book: 89.
* Ruby: Oh.
* [Pause. Inanimate Insanity Intro plays.]
=== I Love Among Us! (An “Inanimate Insanity” shorts.) ===
* Lightbulb: Yo, I bet you can’t spin that basketball on your finger for longer than three seconds.
* [Test Tube spins a basketball on her finger.]
* Test Tube: 1..2..3
* Lightbulb: Three seconds isn’t even that long.
* Test Tube: Of course it is, you can do a lot in three seconds.
* [Ding.]
* Test Tube: Alright, I bet you can’t say “Fat Furry Fireflies” three times fast.
* Lightbulb: Fat Furry Fireflies, Fat Furry Fireflies, Fat Furry Fireflies.
* Test Tube: I honestly didn't think you’d be able to do that.
* Lightbulb: People tend to underestimate my rapping skills. I’m basically Eminem.
* Test Tube: You look like an M&M.
* Lightbulb: That doesn’t even make sense! That actually makes sense… Alright, I bet you can’t hop on that pogo stick.
* [Test Tube on a pogo stick.]
* Test Tube: They call me the kangaroo! Ho-ho!
* Lightbulb: Yo, that’s so cool bro! You should hop up and down like that on me.
* Test Tube: What.
* Lightbulb: I SAID… I bet you can’t hit the folks like me! Hahahaha!
* Test Tube: Oh. Okay. Well, uh, I bet you can’t land a bottle flip with that water bottle right there.
* Lightbulb: Okay, bet! Let me try.
* [Epic fail.]
* Lightbulb: Oh, wow! I missed! Okay, my turn… I bet you can’t kiss a girl right now.
* [Pause.]
* Lightbulb: Preferably one in the same room as you.
* [Pause.]
* Lightbulb: And you have to pretend that you like it.
* [Pause.]
* Test Tube: Is there something you wanna tell me-
* Lightbulb: No.
* [Static. Cut back to the episode.]
* Choir: You are watching: UBN! U [Censored.] Network, Channel 94, Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill.
* [Cut to the Rally. It’s going to happen soon.]
* Ruby: Guys, are you ready? We’re gonna change Bikini Bottom forever!
* Pencil: YES. I NEED MORE CRACK RIGHT NOW.
* Match: Ugh, I feel AWFUL.
* Bubble: Why am I shaking so much?
* Ruby: Come on, guys! This is only happening because you don’t have Crack! That’s why we need it so much!
* Pencil: But what if they don’t listen to us? And we CAN’T get anymore crack!
* Book: That would stink!
* Ruby: Pencil, hand me my Stan Smith cup.
* [Pencil hands Ruby her Stan Smith cup, Ruby starts drinking like a MONSTER.]
* Pencil: Uh, Ruby! What’s in there?
* Ruby: It’s Gamer Juice! Gamer Juice is a drink with a lot of sugar in it. It is designed to unleash the raging beast within every gamer causing them to game super epicly!
* Book: I’ve heard of that.
* [Ruby walks out.]
* Ruby: HELLO, BIKINI BOTTOM!
* [Crowd cheers.]
* Ruby: ARE YOU READY TO MAKE HISTORY TODAY?
* [Crowd cheers.]
* Ruby: Okay, okay. I’ve discovered the secret to happiness! It’s-
=== Chair Advertisement ===
* Bow: -a chair! You can like, sit on it, or stand near it, or even dance near it too! It's super cool! It'll make you cool too! So yeah, buy it now. We have limited stock!
* [Static.]
* Ruby: Can someone tell Bends to stop with the interruptions and useless references?
* Fan (Inanimate Insanity) (in audience): Yeah, I’m trying to watch the episode!
* Ruby: Anyway… We're here to talk about something that has changed our lives for the better. Something that can bring happiness to everyone in Bikini Bottom! We’re here to talk about crack cocaine! I know It sounds bonkers, but trust me, it’s amazing! Crack makes you feel like you’re on Cloud 9! It’s the secret to happiness, and us FreeSmarters want to share it with all of you! Crack cocaine has changed our lives in ways we never imagined. It has brought us closer, made us happier, and given us energy like never before! Imagine waking up every day feeling unstoppable, ready to take on the world with a smile on your face. That's what crack has done for us!
* Ruby: I know some of you might be skeptical, but just look at ME! I’m living proof that crack can improve your life. We've been more productive, more creative, and more united as FreeSmarters! It's time for Bikini Bottom to experience the same joy and freedom we have.
* [Ruby looks at Book.]
* Book: You’re doing great!
* Ruby: Thanks, babe! Now, think about all the stress and worries you have. Crack can take that all away! No more bad days, no more feeling down. Just pure, unadulterated happiness! And it's not just about feeling good, as Crack can help you focus, work harder, and achieve your dreams! And look!
* [Ruby pulls out a chart.]
* Ruby: Now, this chart’s a little bit old-this chart! It’s probably a couple months old, and if you really wanna see something [unintelligible,] take a look at what happen-
* [Gunshots.]
=== Musical Number 2 ===
* Kendrick Lamar: Promise that you will sing about me. Promise that you will sing about me. I said when the lights shut off and it's my turn to settle down, my main concern, promise that you will sing about me. Promise that you will sing about me.
* [The bullet grazes Ruby’s ear, causing her to stumble and start crying.]
* Book: OH MY GOSH, RUBY!!!!
* Pencil: Ruby! Are you okay? 
* Match: Oh my gosh, like Ruby, you’re bleeding! 
* Bubble: Who did this?!
* Ice Cube: Look!
* [Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.]
* FreeSmarters: (BFDI GASP)
* Book: We gotta stop him!
* Match: Let’s get him, FreeSmart!
* Pencil: Shut up and GET IN THE VAN!
* [FreeSmart SuperVan. Cut to Oswald.]
* Oswald: Look at my sick new motorcycle! I think I’ll test it out in this an “epics” car chase!
* [Car Chase.]
* Bubble: There he is! He’s turning left! 
* [Car stuff. Idk how to describe it. Hey, SBFW is it okay If I use AI to describe the car actions? Yes? Alright, thanks. “The van makes a sharp turn, almost tipping over. Oswald looks back, a determined look on his face. He revs his engine and speeds up, weaving through traffic.” That SeemsGood.]
* Book: He’s heading towards the highway!
* Match: Not good, not good!
* [“Oswald zips through the busy streets, but as he makes a sharp turn onto the highway, he misjudges the curb and crashes, flying off his motorcycle.”]
=== The Tragedy ===
* [The FreeSmart Van skids to a stop as the watch in horror what is described below.]
* Narrator: Tragic events today, as Oswald was testing out his new sick motorcycle, he hit the curb, and flew out into traffic. He got hit by other cars. He made it with only a bruise, he also ascended.
* Bubble: What do we do now?
* Book: First, we get Ruby to a hospital. Then, we figure out what just happened.
* [Cut to Black.]
* frameless|221x221px
* Fin.
=== The True Ending ===
* SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay!
* Mermaid Man: Well, kid, you showed the world that even though our steps may have been slowed, we still have a little action left in these heroic old bones.
* [Mermaid Man breaks his bone.]
* Barnacle Boy: Well, at least some of them.
* [Laughter. The true ending!]
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