Bewitched (2005 film)/Transcript

It's perfect.
Oh, great.
I'll take it.
Wonderful. I'm so happy.
There's one thing.
I'm gonna need some references.
I don't have any of those.
Oh, dear, that's serious.
I don't know that we can do business
together if you don't have references.
Bye, now!
- Daddy.
- What's going on, Isabel?
I'm moving here.
To the Valley?
Why on earth would you do that?
Because it's normal.
You're normal. You're just...
I know. But I'm not gonna
be one anymore.
You have no choice in the matter.
It's what you are.
Orange is a great color.
Orange is happy.
Why don't we just paint it yellow?
We can't, we're gonna
paint the bathroom yellow.
Since when are we doing that?
They're arguing about paint.
Yes, I can see that.
I wanna argue about paint.
- With whom?
- With someone.
A man?
- Yes!
- Oh, Isabel.
I'm through with warlocks.
They're all like you.
Even when you and mom
were married...
...you were casting spells
on other women.
Your life is total
instant gratification, Daddy.
- It's fantastic, isn't it?
- No. No, it's not.
Because how do you know that
anyone really loves you for yourself?
It's like those rich men who are never
sure why women sleep with them.
But women sleep with them,
so it's not really a problem.
I want a man who needs me.
Needs you?
Because he is a completely
hopeless mess.
Oh, no. You're talking about love,
aren't you?
What do you suppose it's like?
Oh, it's simple. You say, "I love you"
to someone you want to go home with.
And then when things get messy,
you say, "I don't love you anymore."
And that's pretty much it.
I feel as if I'm pressed against
a glass window.
It's right there on the other side.
I can see it, but I can't feel it.
I can't touch it.
- Does your mother know about this?
- She disappeared again.
$420.56.
Money. Money.
That was my last thing as a witch.
I wanna be like everyone else.
I wanna have friends and I wanna...
And I wanna go
to the Coffee Bean...
...where we all discuss our problems,
which are absolutely unsolvable.
You can have anything you want.
Every woman wants to be a witch.
I don't. I wanna feel thwarted.
I want days where my hair
is affected by weather.
Yeah, hi, what can I get you?
Scrambled eggs, please.
I am through with just snapping
my fingers and getting my way.
No breakfast after 11.
My absolutely last thing.
Don't do this.
You'll meet someone,
you'll get this close.
- And when he finds out about...
- lf he loves me, he won't care.
I'm going to get an umbrella.
Go on. Get yourself one.
No, Daddy. No. I mean it.
No. Never again.
- You'll get wet.
- I hope so.
I know what you're gonna say.
I'm a mess.
Get a grip, Jack. Get a grip.
I can't help it.
Hey, how do I look?
You look great.
- I look great?
- Yeah.
I always look great. That's a given.
- And the important thing is...
- What?
I have no idea what
the important thing is.
I'm telling you, I feel like
I'm about to go out of my mind.
You know, I want my life back. Okay?
I want my wife and my house.
I wanna be a movie star again. I mean,
what the hell happened, Richie?
Things were going so great
for a while.
Last Year in Katmandu.
It cost 140 mil to make.
Grossed 1.6.
The only DVD to sell no copies.
We probably shouldn't have shot it
in black-and-white.
But now you're gonna do a television
series and it's gonna be a hit.
So pull yourself together, man,
because you look like Don Johnson.
- But in a bad way.
- Okay, I got it.
- I'll pull myself together.
- Let's go.
And don't get all nice on me.
Be mean.
I'm gonna be mean.
I'm gonna be mean.
Hit me. There you go.
You're the Jackerator, baby.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on.
Yo, gentlemen.
How are you? Oh!
- Hey, hello.
- Jack Wyatt.
- Hi, I'm Jack.
- Oh. Huge fan. Huge.
- How are the kids, guys?
- Great.
Good. Well, let's cut the chitchat.
- Thank you. I'm Jack, by the way.
- Nina.
- Jack wants to do the show.
- That's great.
- I wanna do it.
- That's great. That's terrific.
He only has one concern.
We had the same concern.
But we think everyone's forgotten
about Last Year in Katmandu.
Unless they saw it.
His concern is...
...the witch has all the fun.
You will be fun.
We're changing it from the original.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't all go crazy.
Okay? I mean, it is Bewitched.
I mean, Samantha should be strong.
Right? This should be a two-hander.
Oh, my God. Huh?
Hey. What a relief.
I was worried because Larry told me
you'd want to tilt the show toward you...
Stu, Stu.
We gotta have a great ensemble
is what I'm thinking. You know?
Endora, the next-door neighbors,
all those crazy family members.
Who's gonna play Uncle Arthur? Huh?
I used to love Uncle Arthur.
Well, we're looking for Uncle Arthur.
- Your table's ready.
- Thank you.
I don't know if you remember...
...but when he'd appear in the mirror,
it would crack. It would always crack.
And you knew it was coming,
and yet, every time it happened...
...I laughed and I laughed
and I laughed.
- Can I talk to you?
- I loved it.
"Hi, Sammy."
One second, fellas. We'll meet
you guys at the table, all right?
Hey, I like those guys. What?
- You're being a pussy.
- What?
You're being a pussy, pussy, pussy!
No, I'm not!
I want the show to be good.
You want the show to be...
You know what?
Jack Wyatt's doing TV now
because his film career ate it!
And he's not even the clear star
of his own show.
Jack, screw Uncle Arthur.
Hell, screw ensembles, man.
- I'm being a pussy.
- Yes.
If this show tanks, you'll be on
Hollywood Squares for 10 years.
You will also be the mayor
of Pussytown.
I don't wanna be the mayor
of Pussytown.
Get in there and be
the sheriff of Ballsville.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Bring it.
- Okay.
Let's go.
- Stop that.
- Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, guys, where were we?
Couple of big names are available
for Samantha.
- To hell with that.
- Yeah.
I want an unknown in the lead.
All right?
A hot new face that's gonna look good
and set me up.
Because I have worked my ass off
to the bone for too long...
...to build up the brand value
of the name Jack Wyatt!
- This show has one star.
- And I want three trailers.
Nobody in television
has three trailers.
He wants them, you get them.
And I want my own makeup team
in matching jumpsuits.
And a leopard!
I want a pet leopard.
With a diamond-studded collar.
Real diamonds.
- That's enough, Jack.
- And a cake.
A two-story-high cake.
Every Wednesday's Cake Day.
And we're gonna bring it out...
...and we're gonna pretend
it's a surprise.
Because it's Cake Day.
We get it, Jack.
If we have a leopard, we're gonna
have major insurance issues.
We're willing to give
on the leopard.
It's getting hard to breathe.
- Should I be writing this down?
- No.
So this should be fun. Huh? Right?
I used to have the biggest crush on
Elizabeth Montgomery when I was 10.
- We all did.
- The nose. I mean...
It's not gonna be easy finding
a nobody to play Samantha.
Be the sheriff.
Well, Jack Wyatt says
get it done, y'all.
Hey, I'm turning on the sprinklers
in my front yard.
Dimming up.
Dimming down.
Dimming up.
Dimming down.
Wow!
I don't think you quite understand.
This is very confusing.
I put the black cable in the red plug
like they said...
...and the screen is still blue.
I'm here to give you cable.
Oh, thank you, I already have some.
Hello? Don't go away, please.
To heck with all this bunk!
There.
Let's just keep this
between us, Lucinda.
Is your self-esteem low because you
aren't participating in the real world?
Yes, my self-esteem is very low.
Well, let's face it, you need a job.
There's something I have
to tell you, Darrin.
- I'm a witch.
- I'm a witch.
I am a witch.
Good. Good.
Oh, my goodness.
God bless you.
Don't look, but Jack Wyatt
is staring at you.
My heart's pounding,
and I am feeling very weird tingles.
I know. He makes me sick too.
You know him?
Jack Wyatt? The actor?
Where have you been?
- May I join you?
- Sure.
- Hi, I'm Jack Wyatt.
- I know.
Thank you.
Look, I've never done this before.
How would you like to be
on a television show?
- Ms...
- Bigelow.
Bigelow?
Isabel Bigelow.
What do you think?
Wanna be a famous actress?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- An actress?
- Yeah.
I can't act.
Anyone can act.
If I can act, you can act.
Amen.
I think those people over there
just finished their plate of hummus.
You might wanna help them
by clearing it. Thank you.
So, Isabel Bigelow,
do you have a job?
- No.
- Are you rich?
Because I am.
I'm extremely wealthy.
Which I'm about to prove to you
by taking care of this bill...
...for two dollars...
...and 31 cents.
- Wow.
- Yeah. "Wow" is right.
I have to remember
to get some money.
Yeah.
So do you wanna be
rich and famous?
I just wanna be normal.
Well, acting is better than normal.
Yeah. You get to pretend
to be normal.
And then if you're good,
you become a big star...
...and guess what happens.
- What?
You snap your fingers and pretty much
anything you want materializes.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I have that now.
It's what I'm giving up.
Oh, it was lovely to meet you.
You seem very sweet
and unkempt and troubled.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey. Those are bad things
to say to a person.
Oh, no, they aren't.
I think the fact that you're
a hopeless mess is very refreshing.
It moves me.
- Isabel Bigelow.
- Yes?
I need you.
What did you say?
- I said, I need you.
- You need me?
I need you.
You don't have to come audition.
Just come and show everyone
what you look like when you do it.
Like this?
Uncanny.
- It's identical.
- I told you.
You go, girl!
We would just like you
to read the script.
Start on page 13.
Should be marked there.
Read it?
Okay... Out loud.
Yeah. We want an idea
of what it could sound like.
"Int., honeymoon suite, night...
Dash, night.
Darrin and Samantha are sitting
on the bed."
Someone's not too bright.
Just... Just read the part
that says "Samantha."
"Darrin, I know it's our honeymoon,
but there's something I have to tell you.
I'm a witch."
- I'm not a witch.
- Yeah, exactly.
- No, you're giving it up.
- Who told you?
You're about to. On the next page.
It's Bewitched. The TV show.
We're redoing it.
Oh, I wasrt allowed
to watch Bewitched.
Who wasrt allowed
to watch Bewitched?
- That's great, Jack.
- That's great.
Well, I play a mortal.
And I'm in love with you.
And I don't care that you're a witch.
You don't care?
No? Is that true?
Yes, it is. Yeah.
Now go ahead and read the lines.
I'll read with you.
We'll do it together.
Randall? Where are you?
Yes. Thank you.
This'll be easy.
- Here?
- Yeah.
I'm a witch, Darrin.
A house-haunting, broomstick-flying,
cauldron-stirring witch!
Great. Great.
Know what? Let's put the script down,
let's put it away, and we'll improvise.
Jack. That was only one line.
Not a big deal.
Go ahead, just set it down.
Randall.
I'm gonna ask you questions,
just answer them as if you're a witch.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Were your parents
in the witch business?
Both of them. My mother fixed
the 1986 World Series.
- Funny.
- Make a note of that.
Do you carry around poison apples,
like in Snow White?
Oh, no, you have to have a permit
for a poison apple.
Permit? Okay, good to know.
That's good.
Oh, what's it like to date a warlock?
Oh! Horrible.
They're self-centered, not very bright,
and all that feel-good-in-the-moment.
Not at all like you.
What's so funny?
Nothing, J-Bone.
What's your favorite spell?
Oh, no, I don't like to talk about that
because I'm quitting and...
No, talking about it
just makes it harder, so...
Are you sure you never saw
Bewitched?
She's incredibly dialed-in.
- Can I ask a question?
- Sure.
How much longer do we have to
do this for?
Oh, this?
We're almost done with this.
I mean, if you do the show,
we'll be together forever.
- You and I?
- Would you please do the show?
- What? This show?
- This show.
- The Bewitched show?
- Absolutely.
We'll work together.
We'll be partners.
Be my TV wife.
- This is very complicated.
- Marry me.
Say yes.
What are you doing, Isabel?
Easy answer.
- Yes.
- Yes!
Great. Thank you.
Okay. Let's make the deal. Right?
Once upon a time,
there was a typical American girl...
...who happened to bump into
a typical red-blooded American boy.
And she bumped into him,
and bumped into him.
So they decided they'd better
sit down and talk this over...
...before they had an accident.
They became good friends.
- Hi!
- Hello?
They brought this while you were out.
I said I'd bring it over.
I'm your neighbor, Maria Kelly.
- Come in!
- Thank you.
What is all this stuff?
I just got the most amazing job.
I'm gonna be Samantha on Bewitched.
They're redoing it.
Are you an actress?
I guess I am.
I love that show.
Is that the one about the genie?
- No.
- This is so exciting!
Oh! There you are. Come here.
This is you!
Oh, I love this show.
You know it?
Watched it every night.
Love the song. Perfect.
There you are! You're great!
Look at the nose!
I hope you can do that.
That's how I got the job.
Wriggling my nose.
- Really?
- It's easy.
Who's gonna play your husband?
- Jack Wyatt.
- Oh, my God.
He believes in me. He wants to be
partners with me. Listen to this:
"Looking forward
to working with you, Isabel.
As dictated to
Jack's assistant, Randall."
Isn't that amazing?
He's single. It's in all the tabloids.
His wife dumped him.
- Is that true?
- Yes!
Oh, my gosh.
I don't know why we're doing this,
but it's fun.
I know!
Although, you shouldn't get involved
with someone you're working with.
It can destroy your references.
I'm a career counselor and...
Well, that's the only reason
I took the job.
He is the cutest mess you have
ever seen. He is hopeless.
Oh, gosh, he's beyond mortal.
My father would never approve.
Oh. Well.
I won't?
Daddy. Hi.
What are you doing here?
Hello, Isabel. Love the hat.
And who is this?
This is my father.
This is Maria Kelly.
How witchy was that? We talk
about your father and he turns up.
Maria is my neighbor.
Nigel Bigelow. Enchant.
Okay.
And what won't I approve of?
A man Isabel thinks is cute.
I'm completely against it.
I'm gonna be an actress
in a television series.
She's gonna play Samantha
on Bewitched.
Bewitched?
That's an insult to our way of life.
Your dad is a hoot.
I'm gonna take one of these,
because you got a lot.
Oh, sure.
Anyway, if anyone's robbing my house,
let me know. I'll do the same for you.
Oh! And if you get a date
that has a friend...
...make sure he's not secretly married
before you call me.
- Bye, Nigel.
- Bye, Maria.
Bye, Maria.
Why can't you be happy for me?
In less than a week I have become
a rich and famous actress...
...living in a house I don't even have
to pay rent for...
...just like every other person
in the world.
Why wouldn't I be happy?
You've turned your back
on your own kind...
...and now you live down the street
from a Denny's.
Don't make fun of my life.
I could make fun of your life.
So, what about this man?
No, I am not telling you anything
anymore, you're too negative.
One morning,
I shot a lion in my pajamas.
What he was doing in my pajamas,
I'll never know.
Uncle Arthur. Classic.
Your brand of low comedy always did
appeal to adolescent mentality.
I won't do it.
Speaking of traveling,
remember that time...
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
- Sent over from Europe.
It's simply gorgeous.
It reminds me
of the one in California.
Lucinda, you really should be
watching this.
I'm only trying to say
that you broke your promise.
You gave me your word, no more...
Stuff.
It's a little harder to break the habit
than I thought.
Well, you can do it.
I've got a lot of faith in you.
Thank you, darling.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...please welcome the star
of the new Bewitched:
Jack Wyatt!
I didn't expect you guys to be here.
Okay, as you know,
we're here for Bewitched.
But it's not the same Bewitched
that you remember. It's being retooled.
But there is going to be a Samantha?
Of course.
Isabel, can you come out here?
Be brave. You look beautiful.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the press...
...I'd like you to meet the talented
and delightful Ms. Isabel Bigelow.
Say hello to the people, Isabel.
Hello.
No, no, into the microphone.
Here. Here.
- Hello.
- That's enough.
Now do that thing that you do.
Isn't that great?
That was great. Great.
Just stand there.
And guess who's playing Endora.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the great, the legendary...
...Miss Iris Smythson,
as my mother-in-law.
That's right.
Iris Smythson. Iris?
- Iris?
- All right, what's going on?
Iris Smythson.
And of course she hates me.
Don't you?
Anything you say, Jerry.
Jack. See what I mean?
That's a joke, right?
Endora used to refer to Darrin
as Derwood.
No, I just forgot your name.
But the news here
isn't Iris Smythson...
...or Jack Wyatt,
who's trying the small screen...
...after the twin disasters
of his last movie...
...and a messy split
from his wife, Sheila...
...who's already found
someone new...
...after a marriage that lasted
only 19 months.
Didrt she leave him for a
snowboarder/underwear model?
He's a moronlidiot.
- That's right.
- Arert they living together?
Yes, in my house! My house
that I bought before I even met her.
And she won't move
or sign the divorce papers.
The big news is the surprise casting
of an unknown as Samantha.
Her name is Isabel Bigelow...
...and she's quite the charmer,
isn't she?
- That's magic.
- So, what's Jack Wyatt thinking?
"My career has tanked,
so I'll fix it by playing Darrin"?
Yeah. Because that's crazy.
Who's running his life?
Plus, he did not look well.
Not look well? I look fine.
I'm extremely healthy.
Richie. Richie.
What am I gonna do with you?
Boy.
This is Richie.
Richie. Why'd you talk me
into doing this show? Huh?
What was I thinking?
What were you thinking?
We were both thinking
the same thing, Jack Attack.
Cast a nobody.
You're completely safe.
Richie, can't you come over here?
I could use a little support on this one.
Jack, I can't because I'm about to step
into a meeting with the head of NBC.
I'll be right there! One second.
Look, I don't know if you know this,
but I'm Darrin, okay?
They replaced Darrin on the original
Bewitched and no one noticed!
Nobody is going to replace you.
I'm Darrin! How did this happen?!
Hold the work!
Once upon a time, there was a typical
red-blooded American boy...
...who happened to bump into
a typical American girl.
And, cut!
- Jack, Jack.
- How was I? How was I?
- You were wonderful, man.
- So good.
- Don't lie to me.
- No. My ribs hurt.
It's what I get paid to do.
Jack? Uno ms? From the top?
One more?
Did you see what happened?
Good stuff.
Moving on!
You know it, dude. Nice one.
Here we go.
Off to a good start, huh?
And after a while, he did what any
red-blooded American boy would do.
Samantha, will you marry me?
Cut!
Great! Beautiful. That was good.
That was good.
- Action.
- You're a witch?
And you waited until our
wedding night to tell me?
I don't believe this! Oh, golly!
Samantha.
Cut! Cut!
Joey, for God's sake.
Are you trying to kill everyone?
Because we can't breathe.
And what's going on
with the lightning?
You can't nod to the audience in
the show. It just breaks the reality.
What?
You can't nod to them.
You can't do...
Go sit in your chair.
Back to your chair.
All right, but...
Take two up. Rolling!
You're a witch? And you waited until
our wedding night to tell me?
I can't believe this.
What's going on?
Samantha.
Why is she waving?
Who are you?
I am Samantha's mother, Endora.
A mortal? You married a mortal?
Oh, my poor, poor baby.
This is just horrifying.
I think I need a drink.
Freeze!
Unfreeze!
What a shame you didn't drink it.
If you had, perhaps you could've spent
your wedding night as a bullfrog.
Don't worry, Samantha. I won't do it.
Witch's honor.
My darling, we are quicksilver.
We're a fleeting shadow.
We're a distant sound.
- That's your mother?
- We live on the wind...
...in the sparkle of a star.
And you want to trade all that
for an acre of crabgrass?
Did she just call me
an acre of crabgrass?
Deal with it, Derwood.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!
I want a piece of the show. Why?
Because I put this thing together,
that's why.
Because Jack Wyatt doesn't
parallel park without checking with me.
Let me call you back. J-Bone!
You're crushing it, baby.
Absolutely crushing it.
- I think we got something.
- It's exciting.
- How's Isabel doing?
- She's perfect.
She looks hot and she lets you score
like a madman.
I know. She's great.
I can't believe you found her.
You think she's gonna notice?
What? That she doesn't have a part?
Not a chance. She's clueless.
Plus, I think she's got
a little thing for you.
It's freaking pathetic.
- You think so?
- Yes.
Man, that would be...
Such a nightmare. I know.
Can you imagine?
Although, she does have kind of
a cute little back end on her.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed
for eating a box of crackers.
Isabel?
- Did she hear us?
- Not a chance.
A couple of changes to the script.
It was running a little long,
so we cut your lines.
Think of it this way,
it's less to memorize.
Sorry.
Lunch!
Isabel!
I feel like a fool. A big, stupid,
sad fool, and yet I'm angry as well.
What's going on?
Let's set fire to his trailer.
Let's just do it.
Isabel, this is awesome!
You're on TV.
He lied to me.
He tricked me.
He said he needed me.
When all he needed was someone
to stand next to him...
...while he says
his stupid clever lines.
- Hi, I'm Maria.
- Nina.
He seemed so messy and sincere.
But really, he's just a big fake.
We could electrocute him.
There's tons of wires around here.
I wanna cry, I wanna break things.
I wanna hurt him.
Yet there's a part of me that still
has a small amount of feeling for him.
How can this be?
When my first husband left me,
I wanted to cut the brakes in his car...
...but instead we ended up
having sex on the elliptical machine.
He doesn't understand who
he's dealing with. He has no idea.
Look, you have three options:
You put up with it...
...quit...
...or get mad.
What would Samantha do?
She chose mad, right?
Okay, everybody, settle down.
Okay, working very quietly,
like little mice.
I don't want to see or hear
what you're doing.
I don't want to see or hear
what you're doing.
Okay, so, Isabel, just to refresh
your memory, Darrirs ex-girlfriend...
I read the script.
Okay. Well, let's just go over it
one more time.
Oh, and we rehearsed it a lot.
Well, I'm aware of that.
Darrirs ex-girlfriend has invited you
both over for dinner.
And Darrin forced you
to come with him...
He tricked me. Because he is
a self-centered has-been.
No, no, baby, that's not it. No.
Because he wants his dog back,
and then Darrin says his line:
- "It's my dog.
- It's my dog.
- I want him back."
- I want him back.
It always kills me, Jack.
You ready to go?
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Saddle up. Rolling!
Action!
It's my dog.
My dog!
And I will die if I do not have him back.
Do you understand?!
I will die if I do not have him back!
Cut.
Well, that was a bit much, Jack.
You wanna take it down a notch?
Or five?
You know what? Just keep it going.
Let me just go. I'll get it this time.
Rolling!
Action!
Where art thou, dog?
Thy canine lover.
What's happening?
Where is your hot breath
upon the nape of my neck?
We shall form a bond of brotherhood:
Man and beast.
You shall lick my face
and I shall lick your snout.
Cut. Jack.
Guys, I'm not doing this on purpose,
I swear to you.
Okay. All right.
Rolling.
Oh, my God. Where's my dog?
Totally. I have a totally great dog.
Jack. Jack. What are you doing?
This is where the dog has to decide
between Darrirs ex and Darrin.
Samantha wiggles her nose
and the dog chooses Darrin.
Rolling!
I know how we can solve this, Darrin.
We'll let Satchel decide.
That's a great idea.
- Come to Daddy, Satchel.
- Look! Good boy.
- Come to Mommy.
- Good boy.
- Satchel...
- Okay, Isabel, wiggle your nose.
Satchel. Satchel. Come to Mommy.
- Satchel. Satchel.
- Come on. Come on. Up!
- Right here. Come to Daddy.
- Come to Mommy, Satchel.
I got it, Jack. I got it.
Don't you dare go to Daddy.
Come to Mommy!
- No, no, no. You love Daddy.
- Come on, Satchel.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Satchel, come to Mommy.
- He's coming. He's coming.
- He's just sitting there.
Come on! Come on, boy!
To Mommy, Satchel.
- Cut!
- Jim, what's going on here?
Joey!
If the dog runs to you again, try this.
Come to Daddy, Satchel.
Satchel, come to Mommy.
Come on! Come on, Satchel.
- Come on, boy, please?
- To Mommy.
Good girl.
Please, boy, come on!
Jump, boy! Jump!
Thank God you didn't have
a Great Dane.
Damn it!
Cut!
Darling, that was marvelous.
But... Watch out for that.
Please don't say anything.
Calm down, you're not alone.
- I'm not?
- No.
- Are there others?
- There are many others.
Many actors, they develop tricks...
...twitches, really.
You don't want to
become mannered.
- Oh, no, I don't.
- No.
Thank you, Iris.
Hello.
Daddy, what...?
If it isn't my spell-casting magical
daughter who gave up witchcraft.
You've had quite a day today,
haven't you?
I was provoked. I fell off the wagon.
It was a one-time thing.
So you're not in love
with him anymore?
I have never disliked a man
more in my entire life...
...which proves that I am
completely over him.
Not necessarily. In fact...
Besides, it was just a crush, which is
an intense but superficial attraction...
...that can easily be mistaken for
something deeper. Now go away.
I have a crush on Endora.
What?!
Daddy, where are you?
I said, I have a crush on Endora.
- Daddy! No.
- So lovely.
Her name is not Endora. It's Iris.
Iris. A spring flower.
You can't.
Now that I turned out to be so wrong
about him, my job is all that I've got.
- Please don't mess it up.
- How could I do that?
You'll sleep with her,
cheat on her...
...she'll go crazy
and she'll take it out on me.
I don't want you to get involved
with Iris. I mean it.
You can't stop being a witch.
I can too. You'll see.
- Cannot.
- Can too.
- Just accept it.
- Never.
Tell me about Bewitched.
Some have said it's a crass attempt
by the network to market nostalgia...
...rather than take a risk
on new ideas.
This isn't the old Bewitched.
It's been refocused.
Let's just say the only thing
I won't be doing is this:
So you leave the nose-wiggling
to the witch.
But you do it so well.
Well, I don't know about that.
I did coach her, though.
Can we get a close-up
on the nose?
I'd rather not.
Which camera?
Here? Okay.
Shall we discuss...
...dare we discuss,
Last Year in Katmandu?
Hi, Nina.
Yes! Yes, I am watching him.
What's a dick?
No one ever sets out
to make a bad movie.
What does that have to do
with how obnoxious he is being?
Some movies are career-enders.
Right. Right, we need a plan.
What went wrong?
You know, I hate to point fingers...
...but I'm gonna blame
the wardrobe department.
The wardrobe department?
I think it got in the way.
Maybe I should quit.
Honey, you can't quit.
Why not? Isn't that what people do?
He has to quit, not you.
Yeah, like that's ever
gonna happen.
We have to make him quit.
If we get naked pictures of him
and pictures of farm animals...
...I could just Photoshop them.
That's an excellent idea.
No, no, no. Wait.
Calm down. Calm down.
No, no, no, this not what I wanted.
I wanted something normal.
What should I do?
Oh, my.
What a mess.
Your Aunt Clara used to be able
to make a clean landing.
Aunt Clara?
Oh, Aunt Clara.
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I am in the middle of a total,
total crisis at work. I'm quitting.
You mustrt quit.
The show must go on.
Isabel, are you all right?
Oh, my friends... I have friends...
They don't know we're witches.
Mum's the word.
You know, there was an Aunt Clara
on the original Bewitched.
What a coincidence!
She was a witch.
So am I.
She was always screwing up.
- Really?
- I have made up my mind.
I am quitting tomorrow and I'll do
something else, like sailing...
...or polishing fruit.
It's too bad you're not a witch,
you could put a hex on Jack.
Oh, I can. I certainly can.
Who is Jack?
The reason I'm quitting.
Well, why not put a hex on him.
Because I'm giving it up.
- Just a little one.
- Aunt Clara.
Just to get him to behave.
I'll do it.
And then I can keep my job.
Which would help my self-esteem.
You know, there's only
one problem with a hex.
There's no such thing as magic.
So...
...what's your idea,
Little Miss Doubtful?
- Well, I have a Taser.
- Nina.
I think we should Taser him and throw
him into the shark tank at SeaWorld.
No. You think we should do a hex.
I think we should do a hex.
Pinch of jasmine.
Wolfbane.
Grapefruit pith.
Grapefruit pith.
I feel so alive.
I feel like one of those people
I'd make fun of.
I feel like I believe in unicorns.
Did I put in the wolfbane?
I can't remember.
- Aunt Clara.
- Thank you, darling. Thank you.
Oh, well.
Isabel.
Isabel, bo-bel
Bonana-fana fo-fel
Fee-fy-fo-fel
Isabel
"The Name Game"!
- Oh, boy.
- Good morning.
Randall, take that stupid sign
off that machine.
Free cappuccinos for everyone.
- How we doing? Anyone seen Isabel?
- No, why?
Because I miss her.
- Listen, Jack.
- Yes?
We got the test scores
from the pilot...
How did Isabel do?
Ninety-nine percent in the top box!
Why didn't you tell me?
This is great news.
Of course she got a 99 percent.
Because she's dynamite.
Absolute dynamite.
High-fives all the way around.
But, Jack, there is a problem.
Your scores...
Thirty-two percent.
That's better than zero, huh?
You know what?
That's constructive criticism.
The dog scored higher than me.
He's a cute dog.
What do the comment cards say?
Oh, they don't really...
"Jack Wyatt is a real tool."
But a good tool. Like a Jacksaw!
You know what? Who cares? This just
means we got hard work to do, okay?
Hey, I never said I was perfect.
The important thing is Isabel.
- Isabel.
- Yeah, no question.
- Agreed?
- Totally on board.
Good morning, everyone.
There she is!
Is it just my imagination, or is the room
actually brighter with her here?
Look at this bundle
of miraculous talent.
Forget 99, I give her 100! 100!
Rehearsing!
"Interior, apartment, day.
Samantha and Darrin are sitting
in their overcrowded apartment."
Darrin, I think we should buy a house
and I found one that I love.
You nailed that!
I'm about to have a heart attack.
Isn't she great?
And now I kiss her, because
she's in love with our new house.
Oh, you can't kiss me.
I'm not in this scene.
- You're not in the scene?
- No.
No, no, no. She isn't in the scene?
This isn't happening! What?!
She has to be in every scene!
Okay?
Rewrite! Go! Rewrite.
Everyone, Isabel needs a joke.
I would love a joke.
One joke, coming up.
Oh, and then I kiss her
because she's so funny.
And a job. She needs a job.
Yes! Yes! Make this woman the CEO
of a multinational corporation.
- Good idea, Jack.
- No. Great idea.
And then I kiss her
because she's so powerful.
It's too much, what happened?
Aunt Clara. Aunt Clara?
Please pick up the phone,
something terrible is happening.
Something terrible is happening.
I know, I know.
It wasrt supposed to, and...
You should never,
ever get involved with an actor.
I'm not involved with him,
I don't think.
- Witch's honor?
- What?
I'm just being Endora.
Isabel, actors look normal,
sometimes better than normal.
But deep down,
there is no deep down.
I thought you were safe.
He loathed you.
What on earth happened?
A little witchcraft, I suspect.
Even though we werert going to do it,
were we, darling?
I'm Nigel Bigelow, I'm Isabel's father.
How do you do?
Daddy, we talked about this,
remember?
- I'm...
- I know who you are.
I've seen everything
you've ever done.
Lysistrata in Florence,
Blithe Spirit in New York.
- Daddy!
- But your Endora is a marvel.
It comes so easily, really.
Oh, yes, because I am a witch.
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes.
I put out all the lights in
Leicester Square just by walking past.
Oh, tell me more.
Tell me everything.
- Oh, please come in.
- Charmed.
This is just... What...?
Isabel!
Hey! Isabel! Isabel!
Hi! Listen, maybe we could go
to dinner tonight. God, I'm so nervous.
- I don't think so, I have to get home.
- We won't make it a date.
I'll just happen to stop by
and ask if you're hungry.
- No.
- Yes! That's a yes!
- No!
- I'll be by at great.
I mean, I'll be by at 8.
Stop by if you need anything.
I'm right here. Okay.
Aunt Clara!
Undo it! Undo it!
You overdid it! Undo it!
- Oh, dear.
- Aunt Clara!
I'm not too sure how to undo it.
Undoing it's not the same as doing it.
He wants to have dinner.
This isn't what I wanted.
Lorna Doone?
No!
Darling, I'm sure you can undo the hex
if you really want to.
I'm expected in Japan.
That certainly didn't work, did it?
Aunt Clara?
Aunt Clara,
come back here right now.
He's gonna be here any minute.
Aunt Clara!
But that doesn't matter,
because I'm not going out with him.
No, no, I'm not. I'm not!
Oh, I'd better...
Oh, who cares what I look like.
I'm just gonna undo the hex.
I'm not even gonna bother
dressing up.
I'm just gonna open the door,
undo it and slam the door in his face!
Hey. I just happened to be in the
neighborhood with these roses...
...and a Cat Stevens CD...
...and this bracelet...
...and I thought I'd stop by.
- You're sweating.
- Like a pig.
Oh, how divine.
You look stunning.
No! Ravishing.
You look "stunnishing."
Is this your purse?
You're not too cold, are you?
- No.
- You're not too warm?
Okay.
- Are we going somewhere?
- Dinner.
Here. Here you go.
I wanna know everything.
You talk, okay?
I'm just gonna listen.
Shed your radiance
and I'll just soak it up like a plant.
Start in kindergarten.
I didn't go to kindergarten.
I was homeschooled.
You were homeschooled? So was I.
How amazing. That's freaky.
I'm getting chills.
Yeah, that is kind of amazing.
My parents were hippies.
Were yours?
- No.
- That's so weird!
My parents were hippies,
and yours werert. What are the odds?
But we did have incense
and candles.
- So did we.
- You did?
To this day,
incense makes me puke.
Yes, me too!
- Amazing!
- Wow.
I brought duck.
I love duck.
So do I. How amazing is that?
Well, most people love duck.
You know what? No, they don't.
Wait. I wrote you a song.
No one's ever written me a song.
Well, I did.
Hey, pretty lady
Come back here with my heart
Hey, pretty lady
Are you a dream made real?
My soul, you have healed
Make me a better man
I wanna set up residence
In your promised land
Okay, and this is
the power ballad guitar solo.
Promised land!
Now you sing the chorus.
Promised land
Drum solo.
Promised land!
Leg kick.
Okay, I'm gonna break the guitar.
Promised land!
Promised land!
We're about to kiss, aren't we?
I thought so, but thanks for ruining
the moment, Miss Narrator.
Oh, my ruby jewel.
- What?
- My chocolate-covered strawberry.
I wanna bask in our love...
...like a house cat lying in the sun.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
Stop. Stop. I forgot.
Oh, I let myself forget.
It was so nice,
I couldn't help myself, and...
Oh, Jack!
This is sad. This is... No.
Let's make love in a hot-air balloon.
Let's make love in a candy factory.
Let's make love in a petting zoo.
I have to undo this, I do.
Let's make love at SeaWorld,
on the back of a killer whale.
Because it doesn't mean anything
unless it's real.
What witches wish
No mortal needs
Let time repent
And unsow its seeds
And now, I speak the ancient word
of redemption and regret:
Rewind.
So you leave the nose-wiggling
to the witch.
- But you do it so well.
- I did coach her, though.
Can we get a close-up
on the nose?
I'd rather not.
Which camera?
Hello, Nina.
I just knew it was you, that's all.
Yes, he is. He is a giant
male reproductive organ.
We don't need a plan, I already know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna speak to him
about his behavior.
I'm gonna talk to him sensibly and
directly, and I know he will change.
You'll see. Bye.
Butt out, Samantha,
I know what I'm doing.
I mean it.
Jack, Jack, bo-back
Bonana-fana fo-fack
Fee-fi-bo-back
Jack
Guys, make me 20 cappuccinos.
Bring me the best one.
Hey, J-Bone. Hey, buddy.
The test scores are in.
How'd I do? Ninety?
Hundred? One-twenty.
- One-forty!
- Good ballpark.
What did it say?
I got it. I got it right here.
Thirty-two.
I got a 32?
Is that for real?
The dog scored higher than I did.
Well, it's not you, Jack, it's Darrin.
"That Jack Wyatt is a real tool.
We hate him.
We mean the actor,
not the character."
Get a grip.
Hug me.
Come here.
I'm gonna be doing dinner theater
in Boca Raton.
They hate the show,
the whole show.
They hate everyone on it.
- Yeah, everybody.
- They did. Yep.
Isabel must've gotten savaged.
She got a 99?!
Ninety-nine? Is this for real?
Is that a joke?
She didn't say anything!
How is it that someone
who doesn't say anything...
...scores higher than someone
who had all the lines?
Oh, my...
Did anyone anticipate this
as a possibility?
Hindsight's 20l20.
- Good morning, everyone.
- And they think I'm a tool?!
I haven't been called a tool
since I was 15!
Thank you, guys! Thank you!
You know what?
No one ever liked Darrin! No one!
Why did we ever think
that was gonna change?
I have something to say.
This is unbelievable! A 32?
That's for real?
A three in front of a two?
Oh, my God!
Wait, I have something to say.
A 32 and she got 99?!
Were they high?!
Were the people
in the test group high?
Did we drug test them?
Were they just sitting in the studio,
smoking crack, saying:
"Let's give her a 99 and him a 32.
By the way, I'm high on crack"?!
I have something to say!
What?!
You're a jerk.
What did you just say?
I said, you're a jerk!
Everything is about you.
You are selfish.
And you are self-centered.
And you lied to me, you said you
needed me. You don't need anyone!
Listen, sweetie, why don't you go to
your trailer and take a Midol?
Hey! You be quiet,
or I'll give you a tail!
- Just calm down.
- You sit down!
Sit down!
This show is supposed to be
about a marriage.
A real marriage, with real problems,
like what color to paint the kitchen...
...or, I don't know, other problems,
I can't even think of them now.
But the only problems you care about
are your own!
No wonder the audience
doesn't like this show!
A witch marries a mortal.
Who in their right mind
would want to marry you?
- Hey!
- Excuse me. That's it. You're fired.
Doesrt matter. I quit!
Yeah! So...
...you better call my agent.
You don't have an agent.
Then call my cable man!
Sorry. So...
You all right?
No one's talked to me like that
in 20 years.
Once a week a woman
talks to me like that.
She just stripped me bare
and stuck the knife in.
Let's go to The Peninsula
and get some oysters.
You know what I think?
- Hey. The woman needs a part.
- I'm sorry?
I mean, if you got Sammy Sosa,
you don't bench him.
If you got Gorbachev in the ballet,
you let him dance the big number.
I don't think Gorbachev
was a dancer.
Yes, he was, Richie,
he absolutely was. Look it up.
Isabel! Hey!
Hey, Isabel!
Wait, wait, wait, don't go!
Isabel!
Please don't go. Please don't go.
That was incredible.
- What?
- Just now. That.
I mean, you yelled at me.
You were up-front, and honest...
...and you called me out
on all my crap.
It was just great.
Oh, God, I'm hyperventilating.
I've never done anything like this.
It was very hard,
but secretly quite thrilling.
Even my ex-wife, she never yelled.
She just locked me out.
In my family,
we usually just disappear.
No, no, don't disappear, Isabel.
One more show.
One more show.
- I don't think so.
- No, one more taping. Please?
It's just that I'm feeling that...
I'm feeling like maybe...
- I'm sorry.
- What'd you say?
I'm sorry for how I've been.
I'm sorry.
You're sweating again.
I know, just...
I just... Look, one more.
I love it when you sweat.
One more! Just one more.
And the second I'm being a jerk,
you can yell, "Hey! He's being a jerk!"
And we'll shut the whole thing down,
I promise.
We'll burn down the sets...
...and sell the costumes,
and give the money to little children.
I mean, that's one
possible scenario.
You want me to say
"He's being a jerk"?
Yeah. Or you can yell, I mean...
He's being a jerk!
He's being a jerk!
Yes.
I can't just walk back in there now.
Once you show up on a golf can't,
believe me, all is forgiven.
I've done it a lot of times.
But I was fired.
Oh, no. That's right, I quit.
Yeah. Here, let me carry your plant.
Honey, your mother's here.
Are you two getting along?
Not exactly.
- Like this?
- You're doing great.
Really, really great. One more time.
So it says here that marriage
can lead to a loss of passion.
It's true.
I feel empty and bored already.
- Oh, great. It's you.
- Mother!
I see you two are
actually getting along?
Endora, you rancid fruit bag,
get out of my room.
- Darrin!
- And my daughter is happy?
That is the cruelest twist of all.
I am happy, Darrin.
Real, honest, no-spells happy.
And cut!
Actors, cut.
Really, cut now.
You were great today.
Just absolutely amazing.
You were great today.
Just absolutely amazing.
I don't think I've ever had
so much fun.
Acting is fun.
That is a profoundly true thing.
Would you like a water chestnut?
I'd love a water chestnut.
I'm gonna teach you
everything I know...
...starting with...
...the eye thing.
The famous crazy-eye thing
of mine.
Okay?
This almost won me
a Golden Globe.
Almost.
- Is that it?
- That's good.
Oh, that's even better.
This is the "I just realized things
are worse than they seem" thing.
Also known as "the Yikes Take."
Yikes!
Wow.
Yikes!
- That was terrible.
- It's okay.
- No, I was terrible.
- I don't think mine was good, either.
That's it. I'm out of tricks.
- What about the funny walk you do?
- The funny walk?
- You don't wanna see the walk.
- I do.
Funny walk is embarrassing.
I'd like to see it.
Yeah?
Okay. Let's go to our place.
Magic hour.
- Is that it?
- That's great.
It's much harder than it looks.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- Move back!
- Hey!
Something magical happened
all by itself.
Table read in 10 minutes!
Okay, close it up!
- Good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Jack.
Look, Jack, I just need to talk to you
about a couple of these things.
Number one,
we're thinking about moving...
...the whole kitchen scene.
Just... It's such...
It's a funny scene.
It's really funny.
We'd like to get it in a little earlier.
So probably what we're gonna do is
switch it with the office.
But we're gonna drop that
to a little later on in the show.
Dude. Dudes, are you watching Jack
throw the vibe to Isabel right now?
How are you?
I'm great.
That's for you.
Thank you.
- Call me.
- That's fantastic.
Stop.
Fine.
Yeah. I mean,
I can find something for him.
I'll put him in a little part with maybe
no lines or anything like that.
What is going on
between you and Jack?
Nothing is going on.
We had a date and we kissed...
...and now we just wanna spend
all of our time together.
That is the very definition
of something going on.
And you know what?
I didn't use any tricks. I am trick-free.
Oh, my God, it's her.
- Who?
- Jack's wife.
I saw a picture of her in InStyle
when she was the fashion "don't."
Excuse me. I'm looking for Jack.
You must be Samantha.
You look just like the old one.
Thank you so much.
Oh, excuse me.
Love the nose.
Good work.
There he is. There's my guy.
I've missed him so much.
Let's just say the "Do Not Disturb" sign
will be on the doorknob tonight.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God!
Help me lift it. Help me lift it.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
That was a little harsh.
I've missed him so much.
Let's just say the "Do Not Disturb" sign
will be on the doorknob tonight.
- Sheila.
- Hi, baby.
What are you doing here?
You want my car?
My grandmother's brooch.
Oh! You want more money.
Ding-ding-ding! Correct answer.
No.
- I want you back.
- What about Captain Underpants?
I'm through with him.
I love you, Jack.
Oh, wait, wait, I get it. You heard
that the show's getting picked up.
I heard it's gonna be a hit.
But so what?
I want you. I want my husband.
You know, a week ago
I would've fallen for that.
But now there's someone else.
Someone who's incapable of guile.
What's guile?
I'm not gonna do it.
I think it means tricks.
- I love you, baby.
- No, I'm not.
Maybe I will.
- What the heck is going on?!
- Joey.
This place is spooked. I quit.
Joey. Joey, come back here.
Get me a mirror! Jack!
- Jack!
- Are you okay?
Am I okay?!
And one more time.
I'm fine. And I'm signing
the divorce papers right now.
You are?
Maybe two.
And I'm moving out of the house
this afternoon.
Where are you going?
Reykjavk.
- Where is it?
- Iceland.
I love ice.
Goodbye, everyone!
I'm off to Reykjavk!
Oh, my God.
Everyone, did you just see that?
She's gonna sign the papers!
This is incredible.
- Isabel.
- Party at my house!
- Isabel.
- Party at my house!
You're out of control.
Every time I think I have things
nailed down, I just lose it.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, whoa. Who is that?
No, Maria. No.
Too late.
Second of all, like...
Everyone, can I have your attention,
please? I just wanna say a few words.
Randall, can we deal with this?
Thank you.
Where do I start? What a night.
Is everyone having fun? Yeah?
Great. I'm so grateful
for so many things tonight.
The show, all of you amazing
and talented people...
...and especially Isabel.
To a woman who'd never trick me
into thinking...
...she was something she wasrt.
From now on,
everyone tells the truth. Okay?
Except if I don't look good,
say I do anyway.
Isabel, you are a beautiful person.
And that's the truth.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
Have a great time.
Cheers.
Don't break anything, okay?
- We won't, Jack.
- Thank you.
I hope that touching speech...
...hasn't made you think
that you should tell the truth.
- I'm going to.
- Oh, don't be silly.
And he's gonna accept me. He's got to.
You can't live with a secret like that.
Of course you can.
For thousands of years.
Don't do it. Big mistake. Wort work.
Well, hello there.
Now, don't tell me...
Coconut shrimps.
Oh, yes. Would you like one?
Yes. Thank you.
Do you know, you're quite fetching.
And I'm Nigel Bigelow.
Yes. I will sleep with you because
I have a thing for father figures.
Well, that's great, then.
But in the morning, I will not get
...and I'll go on and on about
opening an aerobics center in Agoura.
Are you looking for me?
Missing you, actually.
- How strange.
- Not really.
I'm just gonna say it like it's
a completely matter-of-fact thing.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm a witch.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm a Clippers fan.
Yeah, it's not like it's a big deal.
I'm not a bad witch, and we're getting
it out there and telling the truth, right?
Right. And I'm not just a fan.
I made the mistake of buying
courtside seats.
No, no, no, really. Jack. Jack, I am.
I, Isabel Bigelow, I'm a witch.
Okay, great. So you're a witch.
Come on, let's make out
in the hall closet.
- Jack.
- Okay, okay, I'll play along.
Like it's an improv. Prove it.
So I just said, "Listen, you guys,
I believe Cher has another hit in her."
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wow, fantastic trick.
Not a trick.
Whoa! How'd you do that?
To the most powerful witch ever.
Can you make an umbrella appear
in this drink?
- I can.
- Really?
That's amazing.
I had no idea you were
an amateur magician.
Hey. Wait. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, I'm talking to you.
Hey, Isabel. I'm...
Jack, listen to me, I was born a witch,
my parents are witches, I'm a witch.
- A real witch.
- That's right, Isabel.
- You go, girl.
- Isabel, you tell him.
That is cool. That's great.
You are very frustrating.
Do you have some Daniel Day-Lewis
thing happening here?
How's it going?
I'm leaving.
Thank you.
Hey there. I have hepatitis C.
Isabel? Isabel.
Isabel, what's going on?
Come back to the party.
What are you...?
Where are you going? What...?
Wow. That's really cool.
Did Props make that?
- I keep trying to tell you...
- Can I get your car, miss?
She doesn't need her car,
she has her broomstick.
- You think I'm nuts, don't you?
- Of course not.
I know plenty of women who
carry around collapsible broomsticks.
- I'll get the car.
- It won't be there, I sent it home.
This looks so real.
I can't even see the buttons.
It is real.
Flies too.
Oh, I'd love to see that.
- Hang on.
- What?
Put me down!
I kept trying to tell you.
It's no big deal, Jack.
- It's no big deal.
- This is a huge deal!
We can work this out.
It's just who I happen to be.
- Get away from me.
- What?
You tricked me!
You put spells on me!
Well, only a few, yes, I did.
But I took most of them off.
Help! Someone help!
Jack. I thought this would be okay.
How would it be okay?!
Because it's me. It's still me.
- I'm a little freaked out now.
- I know, but I can't change what I am.
- Are you crazy? Are you even human?
- Jack!
- Am I gonna get pregnant?
- What?
Because I can't get pregnant
right now!
How does this work?
Will I get webbed feet?
You're hurting my feelings.
Shoo! Shoo!
- Shoo?
- Shoo!
- Now you're making me angry!
- Go! Scat!
- You want me to leave?
- Yes!
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
- Fine!
Goodbye, Jack.
You jerk!
Sorry, Mr. Wyatt, I can't find her car.
So she quit. So what?
How's Jack taking all this?
Let me tell you guys something.
Jack Wyatt's like a jet fighter pilot.
Nothing rattles him.
I'm sure he's just at the gym.
Hey, okay. Stop holding my arm.
Found him picking up pennies
out of a shopping-mall water fountain.
Thank you so much, officer.
How much do I tip you for that?
- You don't tip me.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hey, all.
- Hey, big guy.
- How's it going?
- What's up, Jack?
- You all right?
- Boy.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I've never been better. Come on.
What's the bottle of ketchup for?
- Come again?
- The...
Oh. Forgot to leave it
at this diner in Mexico.
Don't freak out on us, Jack.
- You're fired.
- Classic.
- Anyone have a light?
- Yo.
- I do.
- Right here, pal.
Everybody. Let's just calm down.
We've only shot two episodes.
We've got 10 weeks before we air.
- So we recast. Piece of cake.
- Next.
I don't know. It'll be hard to find
somebody with those scores.
It's good scores, good scores.
- She's a witch.
- That's more like it.
You just keep
telling yourself that, man.
I'm fine, really.
I mean, last night I ate three burritos
and smashed every dish in my house.
Isabel. You can't let this guy
ruin your life.
They're recasting your role.
They're recasting my role already?
- Well, you quit.
- Tough town.
- I mean, like, what happened?
- He said I wasrt human.
And he waved a tree branch
at me. Like:
There must be a solution.
No, there isn't.
We're at the Coffee Bean
and there is no solution.
I love you, Jack!
Jack, I dreamt about you last night!
Jack, remember me? Amber?
Oh, my stars.
Darrirs coming home
and I haven't even made dinner.
What?
You're great. You want anything?
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much, that was...
Thank you.
Boo! Trick or treat!
You guys look great.
Happy Halloween.
Mommy!
I'm sorry I don't have any candy.
Hi, everyone, and welcome
once again to Jeopardy!
Another exciting half-hour
of answers and questions...
...with these categories
in our first round of play.
First off, "Cheese."
Next, "Things That End In '-Zing."'
I have no idea where we are.
I mean, I literally could not find
Vietnam on a map.
And now we're about to die here?
I think it's next to Argentina.
Well, at least nobody shot at us yet.
Yikes! That's not good.
"Yikes."
I think the lions are here, Atticus.
And there's Willy,
doing his famous Willy Walk.
Sherpa!
We've got to go.
Don't look at me like that.
It's the only solution.
Isabel, would you please join me
in the dining alcove? Thank you.
Daddy?
Something very odd is happening.
It's not odd, it's what you predicted.
I'm leaving.
I can't stop thinking about Iris.
You were right. I don't belong here.
I find myself uninterested in any other
woman. Now, that's not natural.
- Do you think there's a chance that...
- What?
That she might be a witch?
Don't be silly.
And she put a spell on me?
Please.
Why not? You're a witch. I'm a witch.
She could be a witch.
I guess she could.
What else could it be?
Love.
Isn't there a spell that can
make you stop crying?
No, darling, there isn't.
He's idiotic, and yet I find him
completely charming.
It's been like that
since the beginning.
Only now, I also hate him.
Love.
Daddy, what am I gonna do?
Go home.
Where's that?
Wherever you've been the happiest.
Perhaps I'll go to Aruba.
- Aruba?
- But then again, perhaps I won't.
I don't know if I'm loving my haircut.
Well, Conan, I can't believe
you're bringing this up.
No. No. No, no, no. I'm not gonna
tell that story. There's no way.
Okay, okay, if you insist.
It was last June, and I actually cast
this witch as a witch...
...and now brooms make me cry.
I can't sleep, and I don't know
what's real or what's the TV show.
Hi-de-ho!
Look what the cat dragged in.
Somebody is retaining water.
Uncle Arthur. It's you.
Oh, no, you're gonna crack the mirror,
aren't you?
You watch too much television.
- I know you'll do it. You always do.
- Don't be silly.
Come closer. Do I have something
in my teeth right there?
- Where?
- Look!
That was fun!
Where's Sammy?
Where's my Sammy?
She quit. Now, leave me alone.
But she was the one.
I know, I know.
I can't stop thinking about her.
- But she's a witch.
- Yes, and?
- Jack, you're on!
- Oh, no, I'm on.
Go get them, tiger!
- Revival of the hit series Bewitched.
You know him from such films
as Last Year in Katmandu...
...An Onion For Willy and Atticus Rex.
Please welcome our good pal,
Jack Wyatt!
Oh, my God.
It was a dream.
Thank God.
No such luck, Jackie boy.
Stay back!
Okay, okay. You are not real.
You're from the TV show.
You have blond highlights...
...and had to wear a girdle
on your last movie.
Who's calling who not real?
Okay, I do not believe this.
I am not...
You are...
- You are real.
- Temporarily.
Oh, Uncle Arthur.
You're my favorite character.
I know.
What the hell's going on?
You need help.
Your love life's a mess, buddy boy.
I know, I'm miserable.
So am I. I have been in reruns
for 32 years.
I need the sizzle of prime time!
I need to get this show back on the air.
Okay, this is very complicated
and unsettling, all right?
I don't think I understand.
Oh. All right.
Do you want the short version
or the long version?
Keep in mind that the long version
is in Aramaic.
The short version.
You got involved with a witch,
and when you do that...
...weird stuff happens.
- That's it?
- Do I have to explain everything?
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not real.
- Iris is a witch.
- Iris is a witch?
Don't dwell. And, in my opinion...
...that manager of yours, Richie...
- What?
...isn't even human.
- Now, where was I?
- When?
Before you woke up. Oh, right!
Who wants to be with a witch?
Crazy crap like this
would always be happening!
And your point is?
- The point is, you'd never know.
- What?
Whether you were in love with her,
or whether she put a spell on you.
Like when you first spotted her in the
bookstore. Probably her idea, right?
No, that was my idea.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- I know, I just love to blend.
And when you got down on your knees
and you begged her to take the job.
What are you saying?
She probably planted the words
in your head.
No way, my words.
Yeah. What about the nose?
Hello? Is that even really her nose?
Of course it's her real nose.
Look. Is all's I'm saying is,
who wants to be with a witch?
I do.
She's going home.
And once a witch returns home,
she can't come back for 100 years.
She can't leave.
I need her. I want her. I want Isabel.
Well, come on, let's go get her.
Here we go! Let's go!
Let's go get her!
Follow me! Follow me, here we go!
Come on, here we go!
We'd better hurry.
She's leaving right this minute.
We've gotta stop her.
Hey, wait.
You can't drive, remember?
Remember that episode where
you pulled out and almost crashed?
Yes, well, that wasrt exactly me.
I, personally, am a great driver.
Whoopsie doodle!
Take it easy!
Can you slow down just a tad?
Is it "Porsche" or is it "Porscha"?
Who cares? Watch the road, please.
We've gotta get Isabel!
Oh, all right, party pooper.
Let me drive!
- There she is!
- Where?
Oh, no, she's flying away!
Pedal to the metal, buddy boy!
Watch it!
Oh, I'm about to be killed
by a fictional character.
Yes, you are.
- We're here.
- Here. Where?
Where is she?
Our place. She's at our place.
Thank you.
Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
Run to her, you idiot!
Isabel.
Oh, my God, you're here.
I'm so happy you're here.
- I'm leaving.
- No, no, no, you can't.
You'll be gone forever if you leave.
You'll be gone 100 years without
being able to come back.
That's ridiculous.
Who told you that?
He did.
Well, what are you doing here
if you're leaving?
I was going home.
But I don't know where that is.
Home is with me.
- Don't go. Please.
- But I'm...
- We'll work it out.
- We can't.
Yes, we can.
I can't be normal,
because I'm a witch.
I can't be a witch,
because I really wanna be normal.
- It's not possible.
- Of course it's possible.
There's tons of other witches
who've done it.
Who?
Well, maybe not tons of other witches,
but at least one.
Samantha.
Caught between two worlds,
and yet completely happy.
She lived happily ever after, in fact.
Although there's no way to be sure.
She went off the air.
We'll work it out.
Don't cry, little witch.
I love you, Samantha.
Isabel.
I knew that.
I think.
I love you, Darrin.
It just occurred to me,
you could have any guy...
...in the whole world.
Oh, but I chose you.
Honestly, I think you made
a mistake.
If I did, I can always get out of it.
Now we have things to do.
- We have a show to do.
- Yes.
And then, maybe after a while,
we could get married.
There it is.
Good brakes.
Abner, come look!
The new neighbors are moving in!
Not now, Gladys, I'm busy.
Yes.
I'm now going to carry you
across the threshold.
Don't you think the front lawn
looks a little bare?
No, I don't.
But I think it could use
a little something.
It's fine the way it is, honey.
Abner! A tree just appeared
in the front yard!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts