The Santa Clause 2/Transcript

C-130 Pilot: I'm gettin' somethin' on the sonar!
Engineer: What is it?
 
 
C-130 Pilot: Strong reading from
underneath the cap rock, sir!
 
 
Engineer: Possible oil flow?
C-130 Pilot: Still analyzing.
 
 
It's, uh...
 
 
Sounds like, uh...
 
 
Tiny hammers.
 
 
Let's go skating!
 
 
- They're coming right at us!
- Take us to Elfcon three!
 
 
Take us to Elfcon three.
 
 
These guys aren't stopping.
 
 
- Take us to Elfcon two!
- Let's go to Elfcon two.
 
 
We have a partridge
in a pear tree.
 
 
You take us to Elfcon one.
Let's rig for silent running.
 
 
- Look alive, everybody!
- OK, we're at Elfcon one.
 
 
- I lost it!
- What do you mean, you lost it?
 
 
Wait!
 
 
What the...?
 
 
Uh...
 
 
Sir, you're gonna
want to hear this.
 
 
Find out where
that music's coming from.
 
 
Santa, I've got her
on the locator.
 
 
- What now?
- It's just gone.
 
 
In the middle of the chorus!
 
 
Nobody needs to
know about this.
 
 
Maybe we should mention the
Smokey Robinson thing, sir.
 
 
We're at Elfcon four.
All clear.
 
 
Curtis, what do you say we get
you headphones this Christmas?
 
 
It's all right, everybody.
Let's get back to work.
 
 
Curtis, you're years old.
Grow up!
 
 
Bernard.
 
 
You know I didn't break
any of the rules -
 
 
according to The Santa Handbook.
 
 
The handbook! Curtis, do you
go pee-pee with that thing?
 
 
It says elves are encouraged
to listen to music.
 
 
It makes them more creative,
more productive and more alert.
 
 
Look out!
 
 
Aagghh!
 
 
- It's OK.
- Let's go!
 
 
Is he all right?
 
 
Wow! That's gonna leave a mark.
 
 
Oof!
 
 
Is that Blitzen?
Looks like Prancer.
 
 
- Who is that?
- It was Chet.
 
 
- A reindeer in training.
- Oh.
 
 
Hmph!
 
 
Well, please tell me
that it's early in his training.
 
 
Wow! Nice fall.
 
 
Curtis, when are you
gonna tell him?
 
 
Not now!
 
 
Danielle: It's so cold up here.
How can you not be freezing?
 
 
You have not seen cold till you
see where my dad lives. It's...
 
 
Don't be embarrassed.
My parents are divorced.
 
 
- No big deal.
- I'm not embarrassed.
 
 
- Why don't you talk about your dad?
- He doesn't like me to.
 
 
- It's complicated.
- Is he a spy?
 
 
No, he...
 
 
He works with toys and these...
 
 
Iittle people. Kids.
 
 
Can we just do
what we came here to do?
 
 
Sure.
 
 
All right.
 
 
Charlie, this is
really dangerous.
 
 
Someone could catch us
at any moment.
 
 
Kinda exciting.
 
 
Well, you know, Danielle, I may
not come out of this alive.
 
 
So, in case we don't
see each other again...
 
 
Aagghh!
 
 
Are you OK?
 
 
Oof!
 
 
- Almost done.
- OK. I'm not leaving.
 
 
Hello, Charlie.
 
 
Hello, Principal Newman.
 
 
OK, try it now.
 
 
OK, all right.
Here's what we need.
 
 
Get one more bolt on that flange
and it's ready for Christmas.
 
 
Good work, guys. Whew!
 
 
Perfect job on suspension,
you guys.
 
 
Thinkin' outside the box.
I love it.
 
 
- Do you want a cookie, Santa?
- Do I want a cookie?
 
 
Yes! What's fresh?
 
 
Oooh!
 
 
Sweet, just like you.
 
 
Alexander, let's think.
 
 
Take the hat off.
 
 
Too much counterweight.
 
 
Thanks, Santa. You're the man.
 
 
That's why they give me the big
belly, so I don't fall over!
 
 
Hey, Joey! How's that
static-free-tinsel coming?
 
 
Hey, guys, Santa wants to
see the new tinsel.
 
 
I could come up there and take
care of this the ugly way.
 
 
Or... we go outside
and play some football.
 
 
Curtis, you need to
tell him right now!
 
 
I don't know.
He's so happy right now.
 
 
And why do I have to be
the one to tell him?!
 
 
Because I'm the head elf.
I don't give bad news.
 
 
It's one of the perks
of my seniority.
 
 
Now, tell him!
 
 
Come on, pork chop. Bring it on.
 
 
Who you callin' pork chop,
meatloaf?
 
 
Meatloaf?!
 
 
You wanna talk some trash?
I'll talk trash with ya.
 
 
- But first, I'm gonna blitz.
- Ready, set!
 
 
- I'm comin' after you, buddy.
- Seven swans a-swimming!
 
 
Six geese a-laying!
 
 
Five golden rings!
 
 
Hike!
 
 
Hey, who's got the ball?
I can see it. Let go of me.
 
 
He's too quick! He spins!
He moves! He's on the way!
 
 
And he might go all the...
 
 
way!
 
 
Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin'!
 
 
Oh, they pile on!
 
 
OK, you win!
 
 
You guys aren't elves.
You're wizards!
 
 
No matter how many times you run
that play I never see it comin'.
 
 
Santa? We need to talk.
 
 
:Santa: That's weird, isn't it?
:Puppets: Uh-oh!
:Santa: These fit yesterday, didn't they?
:Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa.
:Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby.
:Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
:Santa: What's the bad news?
:Abby: [smiling] What do you mean?
:Santa: Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?
:Abby: Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.
:Santa: Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
:Abby: Not that Charlie.
:Santa: My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
:Puppets: [shocked] AAAAAAH! [they hide]
:Santa: This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.
:Abby: We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
:Santa: How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?
:Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.
:Santa: I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.
:Bernard: Number two, tell him now.
:Santa: Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.
:Curtis: Santa, there's a clause.
:Santa: Yeah, and that would be me.
:Curtis: No, I mean there's another Santa clause.
:Santa: Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".
:Curtis: Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
:Puppets: Get on with it!
:Curtis: When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
:Santa: Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?
:Bernard: But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!
:Curtis: Wow. One mistake in 900 years.
:Bernard: Look.
:Santa: I-I can't see that.
:Bernard: Better now?
:Santa: Uh...
:Bernard: Or now?
:Santa: Well...
:Bernard: Better now?
:Santa: It's gettin' there.
:Bernard: Or now?
:Santa: I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!
:Bernard: Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.
:[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]
:Santa: What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]
:Curtis: Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!
:Santa: The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?
:Bernard: It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.
:Santa: Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?
:Curtis: 28 days.
:Santa: 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.
:Curtis: Actually, Christmas Eve.
:Santa: I guess it's over.
:Curtis: No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.
:Santa: Christmas is getting very complicated.
 
 
:Mother Nature: Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
:Santa: Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
:Mother Nature: Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
:Tooth Fairy: Hear, hear.
:Easter Bunny: What a lovely place.
:Cupid: Hear, hear.
:Mother Nature: And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.
:Tooth Fairy: Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.
:Easter Bunny: Oh, please!
:Cupid: Come on!
:Mother Nature: Good heavens!
:[everyone mumbles]
:Tooth Fairy: In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.
:Cupid: Because they stunk.
:Tooth Fairy: Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss...
:Cupid: Nice!
:Tooth Fairy: ...Plaque Man...
:Easter Bunny: D'oh!
:Tooth Fairy: ...and Roy.
:Cupid: [laughs ironically] Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
:Tooth Fairy: This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
:Santa: Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Molinator.
:Tooth Fairy: The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator? [raises his hand]
:Mother Nature: All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [Mother Nature and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?
:Sandman: [snorts] What? What-What happened? Was I asleep again?
:Mother Nature: Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes or no?
:Sandman: No. I'm sorry.
:Mother Nature: All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
:Santa: OK. Well, first off, welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
:Easter Bunny: Oh! I love Charlie.
:Father Time: Great kid.
:Mother Nature: Good boy.
:Sandman: Sweet kid.
:Tooth Fairy: Good teeth.
:Santa: Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.
:Tooth Fairy: [shocked] What?
:Mother Nature: [shocked] Oh, my.
:Santa: I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also got to try to take care of Charlie--
:Sandman: That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
:Easter Bunny: Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
:Santa: Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
:Easter Bunny: Hmm?
:Santa: Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
:Easter Bunny: What?!
:Mother Nature: No!
:Santa: The de-Santification process has already begun.
:Easter Bunny: Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
:Everyone: You're right. You're right.
:Santa: Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
:Mother Nature: Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
:Santa: No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
:Father Time: 27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
:Easter Bunny: Wow.
:Father Time: It's what I do. [chuckles]
:Santa: Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
:Cupid: What do you need, pal?
:Santa: Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
:Cupid: All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
:Santa: Why not?
:Cupid: 'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
:Easter Bunny: Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
:Santa: I don't want to stop being Santa Claus.
:Easter Bunny: Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
:Tooth Fairy: He's absolutely right.
:Santa: This is all I want to do. Well, what am I gonna do?
:Father Time: Well, you-- You can't be two places at once.
 
 
Maybe you can be.
 
 
OK, everyone, can I get the
room for a minute? Thank you.
 
 
Can I just...? One minute.
Take a cocoa break.
 
 
Have a nice long break.
Relax, everyone.
 
 
I want to show Santa some improvements
on the pantograph. Thanks.
 
 
Walk with me. I've tripled the RAM
and reconfigured the circuitry.
 
 
I see you've externalised
the power source
 
 
to make better use of
the electromagnetic energy.
 
 
No, it's just there
cos it looks really cool.
 
 
Yeah, it does.
 
 
Wait a minute.
You tripled the RAM.
 
 
I see where this is going. I am
not getting in that machine.
 
 
Besides, creating a copy of
Santa won't solve our problems.
 
 
- The elves'll know.
- But this would be a special toy!
 
 
- How's that, Curtis?
- I added a fuzzy logic circuit.
 
 
The duplicate will look
and think just like you.
 
 
When you're with your family, dealing
with Charlie, looking for a wife...
 
 
The toy will be up here melting
in front of my fireplace.
 
 
No, the toy Santa will be
dealing with business up here.
 
 
I can deal with
business up here.
 
 
Santa, if the elves find out
we've made a switch... Aaggh!
 
 
No! No!
This machine is not the answer.
 
 
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You! You! Shoo!
 
 
Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
 
 
Look, you can't get
much better than that.
 
 
And I promise -
it won't hurt a bit.
 
 
- I'm goin' in.
- I can't watch this!
 
 
Ow! Ow!
 
 
It's perfect!
 
 
That's because it's me,
Einstein.
 
 
- Santa, are you all right?
- Yeah, I got a shock in there.
 
 
Is there supposed to be a shock?
 
 
Aagghh!
 
 
It's naked!
 
 
Throw something over it.
 
 
- It's incredible!
- Yes, it is.
 
 
Can he talk?
 
 
Hello?
 
 
Hello?
 
 
Hello?
 
 
Ho, ho, ho!
 
 
Ho, ho... ho!
 
 
- Not bad.
- Not bad yourself.
 
 
I can't put my finger on it,
 
 
but there's something
about you that I like.
 
 
There's something
about you that I like!
 
 
- Watch him. I'll be right back.
- He's coming right back.
 
 
Ha-ha-ha!
 
 
- Bernard, I need your help.
- What do you mean?
 
 
What I mean is
I gotta go see Charlie
 
 
and I want you to
convince the elves...
 
 
that... toy Santa is me.
 
 
- Hm. Have you seen that thing?
- I've seen it.
 
 
Keep the elves
at a distance and say
 
 
that I've changed my look,
it'll work.
 
 
Santa, we're in
way over our heads here.
 
 
If anybody can do this,
it's you, number one.
 
 
I... I'm not gonna lie to all the elves.
 
 
I myself think he looks
absolutely terrific!
 
 
Better and fresher somehow
than he has in years.
 
 
There's now a more supple
veneer to his skin
 
 
and an added lustre
to the thickness of his hair.
 
 
You could almost say
there's a...
 
 
a toy-like quality to him.
 
 
Most importantly, he's very
happy with his new look,
 
 
and I would caution you all
not to point or stare
 
 
or use the word "plastic".
 
 
OK? OK.
 
 
Thank you. That's all.
Back to work, please.
 
 
Comet, because I don't
want to take Prancer.
 
 
I want to take a trip with you.
When's the last time we had a cruise?
 
 
I love you, buddy.
 
 
Besides, Prancer had too many
apples. We know what that means.
 
 
Before you go,
take a look at your watch.
 
 
Hey! Can't go anywhere
without that.
 
 
- I've done some work on it.
- It's beautiful. It really is.
 
 
- You like it?
- The workmanship's fabulous.
 
 
It has a power reserve that measures
how much magic you have left.
 
 
- It's at ten.
- That should be enough.
 
 
But if you use up any magic
for any reason the level drops.
 
 
Santa, if it gets to zero - you won't
be able to return to the Pole.
 
 
Uh-oh.
 
 
Then let's not let it get to zero!
 
 
- Now, look at me.
- Mm-hm?
 
 
What's the most important thing?
 
 
For you not to touch Santa?
 
 
For you to come back!
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
Comet, please just
chill out a little bit, OK?
 
 
Come on! It's not like we're
pullin' the sleigh. Right?
 
 
There's no packages.
It's one stop.
 
 
And I think I might have forgot
we're gonna go see Charlie.
 
 
Scott! Hey!
You trimmed your beard.
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Come here, big guy.
 
 
Whoa! Lost some
weight there, huh?
 
 
- Slim-Fast?
- You don't know how fast.
 
 
- We should get going.
- Oh, OK.
 
 
How do you always know
when there's a problem?
 
 
I see you when you're sleepin'.
I know when you're awake.
 
 
Which is a pretty frightening
concept when you think about it.
 
 
We're really worried
about Charlie.
 
 
He keeps upping the ante. This
time he defaced school property.
 
 
- It's classic acting out.
- I'm blaming myself for this.
 
 
- We're both his parents.
- Where is he?
 
 
He's waiting for us
in Principal Newman's office.
 
 
Something about her makes me
want to deface public property.
 
 
Hello, Mr Calvin. Laura, Neil.
 
 
- Miss Newman.
- Principal Newman.
 
 
Haven't seen you since the last
time Charlie was in trouble.
 
 
I've been travelling for work.
 
 
If you spent more time with your
son there'd be fewer problems.
 
 
Then I wouldn't spend
so much time with you,
 
 
which is always
such a pleasure.
 
 
A battle of wits. It's a shame
you come unarmed. Excuse me.
 
 
Ouch!
 
 
Good morning, Principal Newman.
 
 
Mr Picardo, I want you to look into
my eyes. What do you see?
 
 
It's dark. And it's cold.
 
 
It's your future, Mr Picardo -
keep this up
 
 
and you will spend
your life stabbing trash.
 
 
- Do I make myself clear?
- Yes.
 
 
- So what are you gonna do?
- I'm going to geometry.
 
 
Have a nice trip.
 
 
It's an affront to authority and
blatant disrespect for property.
 
 
If this continues I'll have no
other recourse than to suspend..
 
 
Excuse me. Is there a rest stop between
here and the end of the lecture?
 
 
I'm more interested in why this
happened in the first place.
 
 
So am l. Charlie, we're all
worried about you.
 
 
It feels like you're trying to
get someone's attention.
 
 
What's bothering you?
 
 
- Dr Miller?
- Neil.
 
 
- Neil, any theories?
- Well, frankly I have several.
 
 
Here we go.
Let's just order a pizza.
 
 
Scott, you're not helping.
 
 
I was listening to a tape series
on child development last night.
 
 
You know what the problem is?
Excuse me, Neil.
 
 
It's four weeks until Christmas.
 
 
- That's a holiday in December.
- Oh.
 
 
Have you noticed the hallways?
Not a decoration, not a twinkle light,
 
 
not an expression of the joy
kids are supposed to be feeling.
 
 
- What kind of school is this?
- A public school.
 
 
A top-rated public school.
That takes effort. And money.
 
 
Spending any of that money
on holiday decorations
 
 
would take away from
the things that truly matter.
 
 
Forgive me, but I think
holiday cheer really matters.
 
 
What are we going to do?
We are worried...
 
 
Let me handle this. You know
what you did is wrong. Right?
 
 
- I guess so.
- There's no guessing.
 
 
Guessing is gone.
It was wrong what you did.
 
 
And you're not gonna
do it again. Promise me.
 
 
- OK.
- There you go.
 
 
He won't do it again.
Meeting is adjourned.
 
 
It most certainly is not!
Charlie...
 
 
You know what else?
Here's a little donation.
 
 
Why don't you
buy yourself a wreath?
 
 
I am Santa Claus.
 
 
Boo!
 
 
Yeah. No, no,
I think that this is gonna work.
 
 
Good... Good job, Curtis.
 
 
Would it kill you to give
a wholehearted compliment?
 
 
Ho, ho, ho.
 
 
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Santa?
 
 
- I need you to look at this.
- All right!
 
 
Nice!
 
 
No. I mean,
I need you to read it.
 
 
Well, let's try to be
specific, shall we?
 
 
Ha-ha!
 
 
I'll take a look at it
over at my desk.
 
 
- How does he know where it is?
- I programmed him that way.
 
 
He has most of Santa's memories.
 
 
OK, we need you to study
everything that's in that book
 
 
because it is the key
to being Santa.
 
 
Right! I'll memorise
everything in the book.
 
 
I'll follow all the rules.
 
 
Cos rules are very important!
 
 
- I like this guy.
- I can barely read this.
 
 
Hi, Santa.
 
 
Uh...
 
 
- Hi.
- Oh. You look...
 
 
Like he got
a good night's sleep.
 
 
Like you got a very
good night's sleep.
 
 
How about a nice
chocolatey cocoa?
 
 
- Careful, it's hot.
- Of course it is.
 
 
Aagh!
 
 
Whoo!
 
 
That's delicious! I like cocoa!
 
 
Cocoa's superior refreshment!
 
 
Get me some more cocoa!
 
 
Whoo!
 
 
Right away, Santa.
 
 
Ho, whoa!
 
 
I think Santa feels
a little buzz!
 
 
Whoooo!
 
 
Let me get this straight.
You were de-Santified?
 
 
And you only have days
to find a wife or you're out?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
What are you gonna do?
We dated for three years
 
 
before you got up
the courage to propose.
 
 
That's a pretty serious
commitment issue, isn't it?
 
 
Yes, Sigmund. I was afraid
I'd mess up the first time.
 
 
- I'm more afraid now.
- Dad, you can't give up.
 
 
There's never been
a better Santa.
 
 
I appreciate that.
 
 
It's for the best. If l
had spent more time with you,
 
 
you'd spend less time in
the spray paint industry.
 
 
Don't do that to yourself.
You have been a great dad.
 
 
And being Santa has made you
an even better man.
 
 
I'm gonna go out
on an emotional limb.
 
 
Don't try to make me cry.
 
 
Believe it or not, you have
a great capacity for love.
 
 
I know you can
find someone wonderful
 
 
to spend the rest of
your life with.
 
 
Don't let the facts that you
have no time, no prospects
 
 
and a paralysing fear of
intimacy get you down.
 
 
Hm.
 
 
Have you ever
helped anyone? Ever?
 
 
You know what I'm gonna do? I am
gonna look through my phone book
 
 
and see who's still single out
there and not too bitter.
 
 
There's divorced moms at school
who'll go out with anybody.
 
 
As promising as this sounds,
I don't need help with this area.
 
 
Your old man was a high-school
legend. A double letterman.
 
 
I had a Mustang.
 
 
So as far as dating goes,
 
 
I think if anybody can stir up
the old mojo it would be moi.
 
 
Come on! I don't think
there's a woman out there
 
 
that doesn't want
a piece of this.
 
 
- Hi, Mom!
- Lucy!
 
 
- Uncle Scott!
- How's my little sweet pea?
 
 
Ohh! I haven't seen you in a long time.
 
 
- Tell me what's been happenin'.
- I learned to swim underwater.
 
 
- And I'm not afraid!
- That's amazing!
 
 
Maybe we'll have to go to the mall
and... get some ice cream.
 
 
- Plenty of women at the mall.
- Charlie...!
 
 
Santa, look forward and
put on a smiley face.
 
 
- Say hello to your elves.
- Ho, ho, ho!
 
 
You're doing a wonderful job!
 
 
Santa, when you said the bigger
wheels, is this what you meant?
 
 
Ho, ho, ho!
 
 
You're doing a wonderful job!
 
 
You're doing great.
Dial it down on the ho-ho-ho's,
 
 
but otherwise you're gold.
 
 
Ho, ho ho!
 
 
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
 
 
Why don't you just say it? "You
were right, Curtis. I was wrong."
 
 
OK, OK, I admit it.
 
 
They're happy.
They're working hard.
 
 
Everything's going to be fine.
 
 
This book is very
interesting reading.
 
 
There's a lot of rules
they're not following.
 
 
That's what I've been
saying all along.
 
 
Things have gotten
a little too sloppy around here.
 
 
Yes! Sloppiness means mistakes.
Mistakes aren't a good thing!
 
 
I might have to
make some changes here.
 
 
- What do you have in mind?
- Let me show you.
 
 
There's many things.
Look here...
 
 
Neil, are you sure you don't have
any other clothes I can borrow?
 
 
I mean, the idea tonight
is to attract a woman.
 
 
- What are you talking about?
- I look like a limesicle.
 
 
I think it makes you look hot.
 
 
What do you think, Laura?
Honestly, what do you think?
 
 
Doesn't he look hot, Laura?
 
 
I think it's what's inside
that really counts.
 
 
- Thought you liked the sweater.
- We'll talk later.
 
 
I'm off.
I may need to borrow a car.
 
 
I'm parked behind Neil. The
minivan - I just had it washed.
 
 
The minivan.
 
 
OK, then. Well, wish me luck.
 
 
I got a needlepoint sweater,
and a minivan...
 
 
See ya in about eight minutes.
 
 
Scott? Hey.
 
 
- Tracy!
- Yes!
 
 
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
 
 
- Here, why don't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you.
 
 
Thank you very much.
 
 
So, I'm so glad
we finally got to do this.
 
 
- I'm pretty nervous.
- Oh, are you?
 
 
Laura says
we have a lot in common.
 
 
I hear that you love
this time of year also?
 
 
It's my favourite time of year
and my busiest time of year.
 
 
- Whoa, look at the sweater!
- Yeah!
 
 
Some sweater.
Like I should talk!
 
 
I also have my Christmas
charm bracelet.
 
 
- That's beautiful. Look at 'em!
- Yeah.
 
 
I wear it all year long
just to keep the spirit alive.
 
 
That's gorgeous. A little teddy bear
and packages. That's very nice.
 
 
- So what work do you do?
- I'm in the toy business.
 
 
- No way!
- Way!
 
 
- That sounds so creative.
- I love it.
 
 
- I love creative people.
- Yeah?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
So what do you do?
 
 
I'm hoping someday to break
into the music business.
 
 
- As a singer-songwriter.
- No way!
 
 
Way!
 
 
- What's your favourite music?
- Country-western.
 
 
- Ohh!
- Yeah.
 
 
- Do you like Shania Twain?
- Yeah!
 
 
- You know that one?
- I know that song.
 
 
- You're good.
 
 
- Hey!
 
 
- That's good.
 
 
Put up a tree!
Sports on TV!
 
 
Man!
 
 
Whew!
 
 
You hated it?
 
 
It kind of scared me
a little bit.
 
 
No, I just. I...
 
 
I just... I wasn't prepared
for a performance, so if l...
 
 
I put myself out and that was
not an easy thing to do.
 
 
If you can't support
a woman's ambition,
 
 
then I don't think there's any
reason to continue this date.
 
 
- Dad?
- Hey, sport.
 
 
How'd it go?
 
 
Well...
 
 
Let's just say
I'm not bookin' a church yet.
 
 
Boy, I'll tell ya,
women are hard to figure out.
 
 
- Tell me about it.
- You too, huh? Girl trouble?
 
 
Well, there's this one girl.
 
 
We just used to be friends and
hang out at the mall and stuff.
 
 
Then one day I looked at her
 
 
and I got this weird feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
 
 
I started worrying about
what to wear
 
 
and what my hair
looked like...
 
 
And then I wanted to kiss her.
 
 
How did she do that?
 
 
I don't know.
But they all can do that.
 
 
Oh, look at that.
The snow globe!
 
 
This is so beautiful. I remember
when Bernard gave this to you.
 
 
He said all I have to do
to see you is shake it.
 
 
Uh-huh.
 
 
Now, all you have to do
is yell down the hall.
 
 
And I'm there
whenever you need me.
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
I'm a little tired, Dad.
I'll see you in the morning.
 
 
OK.
 
 
- Good night.
- Night.
 
 
Can you turn
the light off, please?
 
 
Yeah, cos it's
such a big reach for you!
 
 
What do you mean
it's not straight?
 
 
- Sure it's straight.
- Uh-uh.
 
 
- Maybe your head's crooked.
 
 
- Prancer's not this picky.
- Yes, he is.
 
 
- Hi, Comet.
- Hi!
 
 
I've got something for you.
 
 
Hey, Lucy,
what have you got there?
 
 
Careful with the sweets.
He tends to overeat.
 
 
Uncle Scott,
are you Santa Claus?
 
 
What? Why would you ask me
something like that?
 
 
Cos you have a reindeer,
and only Santa has reindeer.
 
 
Nonsense.
A lot of people have reindeer.
 
 
Name five.
 
 
Well... most of them
live in Finland.
 
 
I can't pronounce their names.
 
 
Besides, reindeer are too stupid
to make good pets.
 
 
Well, I think you're very smart.
 
 
Well, I think he's learning
at an excellent rate.
 
 
Oh, really? This morning
he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
 
 
Wait a minute.
 
 
I need the
naughty-and-nice list.
 
 
No.
 
 
It says I'm supposed to
check it twice.
 
 
- Santa already checked it.
- No, I didn't.
 
 
- The real Santa.
- I am the real Santa!
 
 
- I'm sorry?
- I'm in charge here.
 
 
- What?
- I check the list twice.
 
 
That's the rule.
I like the rules.
 
 
- You know how I feel.
- You're misunderstanding.
 
 
No, I'm the rule-maker. I like
the rules. Santa likes rules.
 
 
I've got a good idea.
How about we have some fun?
 
 
Huh?
 
 
- It's good to have fun.
- Right.
 
 
Santa, look over there.
See those elves?
 
 
Go ahead.
Go play some tinsel football.
 
 
Break!
 
 
- What's the object of tinsel football?
- Come on down.
 
 
If you don't have the ball,
get it.
 
 
If you have the ball,
run to the end zone.
 
 
OK, I'll go get the football.
 
 
Ready, hike!
 
 
I've got the ball. What are you
gonna do? Who's gonna stop me?
 
 
Come on!
 
 
This is a lot of fun!
 
 
Oh, so sorry!
 
 
Come here! Stop! Slow down
when I'm talking to you!
 
 
Come here, you! Come on.
 
 
He's headed east
toward the main entrance!
 
 
Hello, Charlie.
 
 
Hello, Principal Newman.
 
 
Are Laura and Neil
on their way?
 
 
No, I volunteered to go solo.
 
 
Oh. You look...
 
 
You've lost weight.
Feeling all right?
 
 
I was until I got
this phone call.
 
 
Charlie, you promised you
weren't gonna do this again.
 
 
What's the matter with you?
I'm gonna have to punish ya.
 
 
I'll ground him for...
two months.
 
 
- I thought you were on my side!
- I'll go one better.
 
 
- You're suspended.
- But... Dad!
 
 
I'm as upset about
this as you, but isn't there
 
 
a punishment that doesn't mean
takin' him out of school?
 
 
- What did you have in mind?
- We could...
 
 
Uh... ah...
 
 
Community service?
 
 
Huh.
 
 
That's not a bad idea.
 
 
OK, Charlie. I want you to
start by cleaning up this wall.
 
 
I want everything
off of there by tonight.
 
 
And then clean off every mark
off every locker in this hallway.
 
 
- Every one?!
- Do as she says, Charlie.
 
 
But I have homework,
tests to study for.
 
 
Not my problem. I have a
detention group on Saturday.
 
 
So we will all get together
at the rec centre
 
 
and scrape off graffiti at am.
 
 
- See you both there.
- You say both of us?
 
 
No, l... I'm very busy. I do a
lot of other community service.
 
 
That's good. You just got
yourself elected parent rep.
 
 
And, Charlie...
We'll talk about the suspension.
 
 
Curtis, what is he doing
in the naughty-and-nice centre?
 
 
- What's going on?
- I'm checking the naughty-nice list.
 
 
- I'm checking it twice.
- I already told you!
 
 
It's been checked. Don't worry.
 
 
I do worry.
There's a lot of mistakes.
 
 
I'll give you
a big fat for instance!
 
 
In Denmark, there's a guy
named Sven Halstrom right here.
 
 
He's a Dane. He was wiping
his nose on his sister's shirt.
 
 
Yuk! That's not very nice!
And yet he's on the nice list.
 
 
We try to cut most children
slack this time of year.
 
 
I don't understand that!
Kids are misbehaving everywhere.
 
 
They're running with scissors.
They're sticky.
 
 
"I'm not gonna stop this car!"
"No, we're not there yet!"
 
 
"Brush your teeth!"
"Pick up those clothes!"
 
 
It goes on and on.
 
 
But they're just kids!
Everybody misbehaves some time.
 
 
But according to
The Santa Handbook,
 
 
naughty kids get lumps of coal
in their stockings. Right?
 
 
We will make stockings.
 
 
In my opinion, they should all
get coal in their stockings.
 
 
- Don't you?
- No! That's not how it works!
 
 
Get me the naughty-nice list.
Get me every list!
 
 
Get me everything.
 
 
Mr O'Reilly, Mr Leary.
 
 
You in charge of the gangbangers?
 
 
They're students,
actually, and yes.
 
 
Keep 'em away from the car.
It's new.
 
 
I don't need some delinquent
kids scratchin' it up.
 
 
They're not delinquents.
And don't worry about your car.
 
 
I'd worry about your legs
in those shorts.
 
 
I thought only swimmers
shaved their legs!
 
 
Whoa, good one!
 
 
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
 
 
- Brought you coffee.
- Thank you.
 
 
- So you have a nice-guy side.
- I'm a man of many sides.
 
 
I'm a puzzle.
I'm a Rubik's Cube with pants.
 
 
- A laugh! Actual laugh.
 
 
- Dad, it doesn't come off.
- It's not supposed to come off.
 
 
Hence you've got to be
careful where you put it.
 
 
Hence tagging is serious.
Hence your presence here.
 
 
Don't say "hence" any more, Dad.
It's really annoying.
 
 
Nicely done!
 
 
How do you do it? I have trouble
with one. You have hundreds.
 
 
- Hi.
- Hi.
 
 
- I was really good this year.
 
 
Is that so? Are you absolutely
sure about that, Pamela?
 
 
I want a doll house
and a swimming pool.
 
 
A swimming pool?
 
 
I'm sorry. She insisted
on talking to you.
 
 
- It's not a problem.
- OK.
 
 
I'll tell you what. If you can
promise me you'll be good,
 
 
I can guarantee
you'll have a great Christmas.
 
 
- OK! Yeah!
- Come on.
 
 
Kids get so nutty
this time of year.
 
 
- Is she a neighbour?
- No.
 
 
Oh. How did you know her name?
 
 
Oh, the... necklace,
it said Pamela on it.
 
 
Oh, I guess I missed that. I'm
gonna go check on this group.
 
 
You cost me, Pamela.
 
 
I just couldn't sleep
thinking about all those rules.
 
 
Am I wrong? Am I right?
Does it matter?
 
 
Couldn't have been the three
gallons of cocoa I had!
 
 
But you understand rules, don't
you? You're highly decorated.
 
 
And look at that face.
There you go.
 
 
There's a face
only a mom would like.
 
 
I don't have a mom,
so I wouldn't know about that.
 
 
Now, it's time
for the big event.
 
 
Guess what?
 
 
Son, it's show time!
 
 
You're in the spotlight.
Get bigger with it.
 
 
It's your big chance.
I need a little help.
 
 
I need a little muscle.
I need a little nudge.
 
 
Let's call yourself
the little nudge!
 
 
This won't hurt - except for the
electric shock through you.
 
 
See ya on the other side!
 
 
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi. Uh...
 
 
It looks like you're going out.
 
 
- Sorry. I should have called.
- No, it's OK. Come in.
 
 
- You sure?
- Uh-huh.
 
 
- Is there a problem?
- No, no. I just...
 
 
I wondered if, um...
 
 
If you would...
 
 
Do you want to go
get some noodles?
 
 
Or pie?
 
 
But I don't want to
keep you from your date, so...
 
 
Oh, it's not a date. It's the
faculty Christmas party.
 
 
Is that your idea of
a night on the town?
 
 
Noodles and pie?
 
 
- Yes. What would be your idea?
- Pizza and a movie.
 
 
- Thick or thin crust?
- Thin.
 
 
Good! Movie?
 
 
Two For The Road.
Audrey Hepburn, Albert Finney.
 
 
Movie's OK, but the car
was the star. ' MGTD.
 
 
Racing green, wire wheels...
Beautiful.
 
 
I'm impressed. That is
a great car. My favourite car.
 
 
Didn't like driving 'em
in the rain.
 
 
You have to push it to start it.
Other than that it's perfect.
 
 
It's perfect, though.
 
 
- I could drive you to your party.
- That would be great.
 
 
Except for, eventually,
I'm going to have to get home.
 
 
Well, l... I could pick you up.
 
 
So you're going to drop me off,
then come back and pick me up?
 
 
- Yeah.
- Why don't you just stay?
 
 
- All right, I'll stay.
- I'll get my coat.
 
 
So, Mr Andretti,
what are you driving?
 
 
You know...
I think you're gonna like it.
 
 
Mind if I ask you
something personal?
 
 
Please.
 
 
- You look really different.
- The weight.
 
 
It's lndian teas and it's a lot
of salves and stuff. It's...
 
 
- Do you want some cocoa?
- Uh, yes.
 
 
Cocoa.
You have thought of everything.
 
 
Well, this time of year,
l... I really shine.
 
 
Yeah, I can't wait
till it's over, though.
 
 
Streets are crowded,
the malls are jammed,
 
 
people max out their credit cards...
It's noisy.
 
 
When did you become
such a cynic?
 
 
Oh. I don't know.
 
 
I used to love Christmas, too.
 
 
It was the only day
that my parents didn't fight.
 
 
- Oh.
- Oh.
 
 
They were at each other
all the time.
 
 
But on Christmas, they tried
to make the holiday special.
 
 
My dad went through this charade
so I'd believe in Santa Claus.
 
 
He put a cot by the fireplace
so Santa could take a nap...
 
 
Like he has time to take a nap!
 
 
Consider the amount of gifts
he would have to... deliver.
 
 
Why would he nap? He
would probably need some coffee.
 
 
Yeah. And there was
cocoa and cookies.
 
 
And carrots for the reindeer.
 
 
That's a good gesture.
The reindeer love carrots.
 
 
And the thought is
important to them, too.
 
 
Yeah. And I'd wake up and the cocoa
and cookies would be gone
 
 
and the cot would be mussed
and the carrots gnawed.
 
 
They swallow them. If they're
fresh they'll eat 'em like that.
 
 
They love red bell peppers, too.
 
 
You know the stories.
If you read...
 
 
And there would be incredible
presents under the tree.
 
 
One year was a rocking horse,
and I named it Harvey.
 
 
And the next year was
a little red wagon,
 
 
which I made a lemonade stand,
which was great.
 
 
And the last year was...
 
 
It was just... a Baby Doll. She was
pink and soft and beautiful.
 
 
- Beautiful?
- Yes.
 
 
I believed in Santa so much
I'd get in fights at school
 
 
with kids who tried to tell me
that he didn't exist.
 
 
And one day
I came home with a bloody nose.
 
 
That's when my parents
decided to tell me to...
 
 
grow up.
 
 
I was devastated, and...
 
 
Good, Carol! This is great
sleigh-riding conversation!
 
 
- I'm a terrible sleigh con-..
- It's fine conversation.
 
 
A person just wants something
to believe in, you know?
 
 
Yes, I know. Yes, I know.
 
 
OK, we have cocoa.
 
 
We have a blanket.
We have a horse-drawn sleigh.
 
 
The only thing that's...
 
 
- What?
 
 
- It's snowing.
- Oh.
 
 
As if by magic?
 
 
That's what I was gonna say,
that it should be snowing!
 
 
I owe you one.
 
 
It's a great party.
 
 
Look. That guy moved.
 
 
- Would you excuse me?
- Mm-hm.
 
 
Could I have your attention?
Your attention, please!
 
 
There we go. Hi. I'm Scott Calvin and
I just thought I'd step up here and...
 
 
and say the word that we've all
been longing to hear.
 
 
Fire!
 
 
OK. What I think, folks, is
that a lot of you have forgotten
 
 
what the true spirit
of Christmas is all about.
 
 
Mm?
 
 
If you're not willing
to dance or laugh or flirt
 
 
or risk the buffet, I don't
think we have much choice.
 
 
So before the choir gets out
here I say we rock this house
 
 
with a secret Santa! Huh?
 
 
Carol - happy, happy Christmas!
 
 
I think they're just
decorations for the carollers.
 
 
She's afraid these are
decorations for the carolling.
 
 
I think Carol is right
about the carolling!
 
 
I'm talking about the packages
that are backstage.
 
 
There aren't any
packages backstage.
 
 
Ohh! There's none back there.
 
 
So I was mistaken
when I saw this bag of gifts.
 
 
Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure
looks like a bag of gifts.
 
 
Ohh! It's heavy
like a bag of gifts.
 
 
Look at this! What's in here?
 
 
It's very heavy, very heavy.
 
 
John Pierce.
 
 
Doesn't your mom call you JJ?
 
 
Merry Christmas, JJ.
 
 
No way.
 
 
This is Toss Across!
 
 
I used to love this
when I was a kid!
 
 
But I never told anybody.
 
 
Where did...? Who did this?
 
 
Grace Kim.
 
 
Yes, there you are!
Merry Christmas.
 
 
- Thank you.
- Tom Astle.
 
 
- Me! Sorry, Gordon.
- Hey!
 
 
- Haven't changed a bit!
- Gee, thanks.
 
 
- Lizzy Garcia.
- Here.
 
 
- There. Merry Christmas.
- Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots!
 
 
Mint condition!
This is incredible!
 
 
The Holly Hobbie Oven!
 
 
Come on up and get
the rest of your presents.
 
 
- Marie?
- Here!
 
 
There she is. Katie. Jerry.
 
 
- Here!
- Cory. Cory?
 
 
Here!
 
 
- Carl, you need a net.
- Not me!
 
 
This is great.
 
 
Hey, party animal,
you want to play?
 
 
- I can't figure it out.
- It's beanbag tic-tac-toe.
 
 
No, I mean
the secret Santa thing.
 
 
Someone tracked down all those
wonderful antique toys.
 
 
Probably someone who knows
his way around eBay.
 
 
- Yeah.
- Yep.
 
 
It was you. I know it was you.
 
 
I just can't figure out...
How did you do it?
 
 
Sometimes you don't need
to know all the answers.
 
 
Speaking of which...
 
 
Even the principal
needs a Christmas gift.
 
 
Merry Christmas.
 
 
Come on, open it. Rip it open.
 
 
Come on.
We're not gonna save the paper.
 
 
It's Baby Doll.
 
 
Come here.
 
 
- Did you call the office?
- No.
 
 
- Did they call you?
- It's not like that.
 
 
- Did you investigate us?
- No, I wouldn't do that.
 
 
Did you...? I told you about
Baby Doll an hour ago, and...
 
 
Did you send someone to...?
 
 
- No.
- No.
 
 
Well... I don't know
how you did it.
 
 
It's like some kind of magic.
 
 
Yeah, sort of like
some kind of magic.
 
 
And... and pretty much
the last that I have.
 
 
What? Well, what...?
You know what?
 
 
I don't want to know.
 
 
What you did in there tonight
for everyone was wonderful.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
I shouldn't have done that.
 
 
- Is that OK?
- Yeah.
 
 
Got this weird feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
 
 
I'm, um...
 
 
I'm not...
real good at this.
 
 
Where did that come from?
 
 
I don't know.
 
 
Hi! Merry Christmas!
 
 
Ho, ho, ho!
 
 
Can I have your attention?
 
 
Stop the work, please.
Everybody stop the work.
 
 
- Merry Christmas!
 
 
That's nice. I have a little
announcement to make.
 
 
From this moment forward, we're
not gonna make any more toys.
 
 
The children of the world
don't deserve presents.
 
 
They're running rampant
with naughtiness.
 
 
This Christmas we're gonna
give those greedy kids
 
 
exactly what they deserve.
 
 
A beautiful, high-quality
yet low-sulphur variety of coal!
 
 
Quiet!
 
 
We have to focus,
all of us, on the goals ahead.
 
 
And just to make sure
that that happens...
 
 
Thank you, sweetie.
 
 
I... I hate to blow my own horn.
 
 
Stay where you are!
Don't be afraid!
 
 
Back! Back!
 
 
I was up late, couldn't sleep.
 
 
Milk wouldn't do it,
cocoa is a little sweet,
 
 
so I decided to make
an army of toy soldiers.
 
 
They don't have
a good sense of humour like me.
 
 
I would do what they ask you.
Which is what I'm going to tell you!
 
 
Don't listen to him!
This guy's not Santa!
 
 
- He's not Santa?
- He's a toy!
 
 
He has a rubber face
and a plastic tushy!
 
 
Trust me!
Don't let him ruin Christmas!
 
 
Thank you for
those kind words, Bernard!
 
 
Well, now that we all
have an understanding,
 
 
have a joyous and
merry Christmas!
 
 
Merry Christmas!
 
 
OK, ready? Go!
 
 
This is what I call
community service!
 
 
Here she comes. Duck down!
 
 
Hey!
 
 
Attention you hooligans
behind that snow bank!
 
 
You have snowballed
the wrong house.
 
 
Drop the snowballs, kick them
away from the snow suits
 
 
and keep the mittens
where I can see them.
 
 
Your dad is hanging with
Principal Newman?
 
 
- Is he dating her?
- No.
 
 
Go to your homes.
Uh... pelt the ones you love.
 
 
- And a merry Christmas!
 
 
- That is really gross, man.
- Shut up.
 
 
There are things about me you
should know. Personal things.
 
 
We don't need to
rush things, Scott.
 
 
I think you need to
know these things.
 
 
OK.
 
 
Um...
 
 
Remember the mistletoe,
how it just showed up?
 
 
- Yes.
- And the sleigh.
 
 
- How magical that was?
- Yes.
 
 
Secret Santa Claus?
 
 
- That was me.
- Yeah?
 
 
I'm not this size much. I'm
usually much bigger than this.
 
 
So am I sometimes.
 
 
I have a big white beard
that's beautiful.
 
 
- I don't.
- I work a long way from home.
 
 
When I get back home,
I sleep for a long time.
 
 
See? OK.
It's not so bad so far.
 
 
You work far away from home
and you sleep a lot.
 
 
You've never been to prison
and you don't wear socks with sandals.
 
 
Well...
 
 
I'm Santa Claus.
 
 
What?
 
 
The suit, the red suit's real.
The North Pole is a place.
 
 
There are elves. They make toys.
They're beautiful and it's real.
 
 
- I exist.
- That's not funny.
 
 
- It's magical.
- Cut it out.
 
 
I'm telling the truth.
 
 
I told you something personal
from my childhood
 
 
and now you're making a joke
out of it and it's not funny. It hurts.
 
 
I know how hard this is to
believe, but connect the dots.
 
 
- Think what's happened.
- I know what's going on.
 
 
- Think about the little girl.
- You felt something for me.
 
 
Now you're acting like a mental
patient because you're scared.
 
 
- I deliver gifts in a sleigh.
- lncredible.
 
 
I go down chimneys with burning
logs and I still deliver gifts.
 
 
I'm not scared.
That's not what this is.
 
 
If you're trying to
push me away, it's working.
 
 
Carol, don't make me leave.
 
 
Please.
 
 
- How could you pick her?
- I didn't.
 
 
You don't care any more.
 
 
I care more about you
than anybody.
 
 
But it's a two-way street.
 
 
- You won't confide in me.
- You want it? Here it is.
 
 
- What? Talk to me.
- I don't live a normal life.
 
 
- You live a great life here.
- Just listen to me!
 
 
My friends get to go around
saying, "My dad's a plumber."
 
 
"My dad's a pilot." "My dad's
a dentist." You know what?
 
 
My dad is the best thing of all
and I can't tell anyone.
 
 
You have no idea how hard it is,
walking around with that secret.
 
 
And now you're going out
with Principal Newman!
 
 
And you don't even
tell me about it.
 
 
My whole life has become
about secrets, and I hate it!
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
Forget about
Principal Newman, all right?
 
 
And forget about Santa.
I'm done.
 
 
My time's up.
 
 
Who cares any more?
 
 
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Lucy.
 
 
- What are you doing?
- Just shovelling.
 
 
Oh.
 
 
Charlie, is Uncle Scott
Santa Claus?
 
 
No.
Why would you think that?
 
 
I don't know.
 
 
- How come Uncle Scott was sad?
- What makes you think that?
 
 
I asked him to stick
a straw in his nose
 
 
and blow bubbles
in his milk.
 
 
- And he said no.
- Whatever.
 
 
- Can you talk to him?
- I don't think so, Lucy.
 
 
- Did you have a fight?
- Sort of.
 
 
- Are you gonna make up?
- I don't know!
 
 
- Are you gonna be mad forever?
- Lucy!
 
 
- What?
- These are hard questions.
 
 
No, they're not. They're easy.
 
 
And you can't be mad
at him forever, Charlie.
 
 
He's your daddy
and you love him.
 
 
¡Ó Dashing through the snow
 
 
¡Ó In a strip-mining machine
 
 
¡Ó Flatten the hills we go
 
 
Come on!
 
 
Put a smile on that face,
little troll!
 
 
Wait a minute. I got a joke.
This'll cheer you up.
 
 
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
 
 
- Aren't you?
- Aren't you who?
 
 
Aren't you supposed to
get back to work?!
 
 
All of ya! You little idiots!
Back to work!
 
 
Got any twos?
 
 
Hm.
 
 
Go fish.
 
 
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
 
 
Whooaahh!
 
 
- What was that?
- I don't know.
 
 
- Want some more hot chocolate?
- Mm-hm.
 
 
OK.
 
 
- Would you get that, honey?
- Yeah, sure.
 
 
Is S... Scott here?
 
 
- Who are you?
- Uh...
 
 
Curtis, a friend from...
Buffalo.
 
 
- Are you an elf?
- Of course not!
 
 
Why would you ask
such a silly question?
 
 
How come you have pointy ears?
 
 
It's... because I never
ate my green vegetables.
 
 
Do you eat
your green vegetables?
 
 
Uncle Scott!
 
 
Yeah, I'm right here.
What's wrong?
 
 
Oh... Curtis! What are you doin' here?
 
 
There's a little
trouble at the...
 
 
plant.
 
 
It's OK.
Curtis is a very old friend.
 
 
We have a large, uh... firm.
We work together in...
 
 
- Buffalo.
- Buffalo?
 
 
We work together in Buffalo.
So... we're gonna talk business.
 
 
- What business?
- It's none of your business.
 
 
Soon I'm gonna be seven.
And then I can know things.
 
 
- Good night, Curtis.
- Good night, Lucy.
 
 
Good night, Lucy.
 
 
- What's up?
- Toy Santa's out of control.
 
 
He's locked up the elves,
shut down the workshop,
 
 
he thinks everybody's naughty
and he's gonna give everyone coal!
 
 
- Why didn't Bernard tell me?
- He's under house arrest.
 
 
Bernard?!
 
 
Fly back with me to the North
Pole to save Christmas!
 
 
I can't. I have no magic left.
I'm out of magic. Look.
 
 
Grrrr!
 
 
- I thought you had Comet.
- Yeah, we...
 
 
Yes! Come on!
 
 
Hey, Comet. We just...
 
 
Comet?
 
 
Comet?
 
 
Look at me.
 
 
- Comet...!
 
 
What are ya doin'?
 
 
- Eating sugar is bad for you.
 
 
What do you mean,
you didn't eat this?
 
 
Who did?
 
 
A squirrel?!
 
 
Get this. You gotta fly both
of us back to the North Pole.
 
 
- Yeah, tonight.
 
 
OK. I'll help you up.
 
 
All right? Ready? You've got to
help me a little here.
 
 
Pull.
 
 
Ai! Gah!
 
 
Good. OK, we almost got it.
 
 
That's OK.
 
 
OK, now, help me.
Can ya move anything?
 
 
Fire in the hole! Get away!
 
 
Whoa!
 
 
Eat some roughage, will you?
 
 
- Oh, what about the jet pack?
- It burned up on reentry.
 
 
What am I supposed to do?
Grow wings?
 
 
I hope he doesn't have
too many stops to make tonight.
 
 
You and me both, pal.
OK. Let's just get it over with.
 
 
OK.
 
 
One, two...
 
 
Three!
 
 
- What's going on down there?
- Are you sure about this?
 
 
What? The old toaster trick?
 
 
When we were kids we used to do
this to get a little extra cash.
 
 
- Works every time!
- I can't watch this.
 
 
- You ready, buddy?
- All right. Let her rip.
 
 
One,
 
 
two,
 
 
three!
 
 
Ow!
 
 
Oh, Scott!
 
 
- Scott, are you all right?
- Mom!
 
 
- Yes?
- I lost another tooth.
 
 
Should I put it
under my pillow?
 
 
Yes!
 
 
By cuspids!
 
 
Shhh.
 
 
This way. Come on.
 
 
Curtis, get the door.
It's a Tooth Fairy ambush.
 
 
What do you people want?
I only carry $ in change.
 
 
Tooth Fairy, it's me, Santa.
 
 
I've lost the weight
and the beard, but it's me.
 
 
I know Santa. Santa is a friend.
And you, sir, are no Santa.
 
 
I am too.
 
 
How did I know I could capture
you by holdin' on to a wing?
 
 
You wanted to change your name
to Captain Floss or Plaque Man.
 
 
Or, as I recall, Roy.
 
 
And it was Santa's idea
to call you the Molarnator.
 
 
- Who's the kid?
- One of my elves. He's an elf.
 
 
Ow.
 
 
Santa!
 
 
The Molarnator at your service!
 
 
- A little altitude, please!
- What?
 
 
Could you possibly
fly a little higher?
 
 
Oof!
 
 
- What?
- Never mind!
 
 
Principal Newman?
 
 
What is it, Charlie?
 
 
You keep asking me if there's
something bothering me.
 
 
Well, there is. I...
 
 
I couldn't talk
about it before, but...
 
 
I want to talk about it now.
 
 
OK. Go ahead.
 
 
- My dad is Santa.
- Oh, please. Not you too.
 
 
Hold on.
 
 
If you have no feelings
for my dad, then fine.
 
 
But if the only reason
for not being with him is
 
 
that you don't believe in him,
you're making a big mistake.
 
 
Oh, Charlie...
 
 
Here.
 
 
I want you to take this.
Look into this and...
 
 
try to remember what it was like
when you were little
 
 
and you still
believed in Christmas.
 
 
Seeing isn't believing.
Believing is seeing.
 
 
You haven't seen anything yet!
 
 
- Curtis?
- What? Ow!
 
 
- What do I do?
- Slow down.
 
 
OK.
 
 
Piece of cake. Attaboy.
There you go.
 
 
Why can't you fly higher?
 
 
Tooth Fairy, I want to thank
you. I'll never forget this.
 
 
I wish I could do more,
but I gotta go.
 
 
Denver just started
a new pee-wee hockey league.
 
 
Before you go,
I want you to know that nobody,
 
 
nobody was
braver than you were today.
 
 
You should be
proud of your wings.
 
 
- They're not too girly?
- Not on you.
 
 
Wouldn't it be easier
to go through the workshop?
 
 
No. That way Santa and his
soldiers would be expecting us.
 
 
Sound military strategy involves
taking your enemy by surprise.
 
 
It's good strategy.
 
 
Sometimes being a despot
is a tough business.
 
 
Come on.
 
 
It's Scott, isn't it?
 
 
Yeah. What are you
supposed to be?
 
 
A better, stronger version
of what you used to be -
 
 
with a flawless complexion,
I might add.
 
 
- Look, it just glistens.
- Listen to me. I'm back now.
 
 
So untie us. Let the elves go
and give me back the coat.
 
 
No can do! It's Christmas Eve!
I have coal to deliver!
 
 
And I don't want those
naughty kids to suffer!
 
 
Boys! One, two, three!
 
 
And... one, two!
 
 
Try to keep up!
Let's go. Move it on!
 
 
Try to...
This is just too tight.
 
 
This is all my fault.
 
 
I thought I could
create another Santa.
 
 
My elfin pride
blinded me to all reason.
 
 
There's only one Santa.
 
 
Well, I've done
a pretty rotten job.
 
 
I didn't check the list twice.
 
 
My kid thinks I betrayed him.
 
 
I hurt the woman I love.
 
 
I ruined Christmas.
 
 
Charlie!
 
 
How'd you get up here?
 
 
Scott!
 
 
I got to fly in
with the Tooth Fairy.
 
 
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
 
 
Brush between meals
and don't forget the floss.
 
 
And if anybody cares,
I'm exhausted.
 
 
And she...
has a beautiful smile.
 
 
- Thank you for everything.
- No. Thank you.
 
 
I am... the Molarnator!
 
 
Whoo!
 
 
Come on!
 
 
Hyah!
 
 
Get out of the way!
 
 
What are you doing?
 
 
- You gotta save Christmas.
- How am supposed to save...?
 
 
- No, no, no.
- Please. Don't worry.
 
 
Whoa!
 
 
Slow down.
 
 
Stay.
 
 
Whoah!
 
 
Oh, Chet...
 
 
Ouch! Ow! Oh, oh, oh!
 
 
Thanks. Excuse me, pork chop.
 
 
OK. Chet, this is it.
You ready to rock and roll?
 
 
- Chet?
- Yeah. He's still in training.
 
 
- Has he had much flight time?
- About a minute and a half.
 
 
- He's had a lot of crash time!
- Curtis...!
 
 
- He's just a baby.
- All right.
 
 
Let's see what this baby can do.
 
 
- Oh, boy.
 
 
Ready to go, buddy?
You know what we gotta do.
 
 
Hyah!
 
 
Chet! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Chet, Chet.
 
 
You gotta focus, Chet.
 
 
OK, everybody! Outside, now!
 
 
Almost there, boys. Let's go!
 
 
- Chet, whoa!
 
 
Snowballs, on three!
 
 
One!
 
 
Two!
 
 
Three!
 
 
OK, elves...
 
 
Let's get 'em!
 
 
Whoa, whoa! Not so far!
 
 
- Whoa, Chet!
- Whooh!
 
 
Back for more action,
eh, scooter?
 
 
- Chet, Chet!
 
 
Cut the chitchat, Chet!
 
 
Why is this such a problem?
Come on!
 
 
Where do you think you're going?
 
 
- Go, go!
- Hyah, boy! Come on!
 
 
Faster!
 
 
The lead.
The one in the front, Chet!
 
 
Leave my reindeer alone!
 
 
- Go! Go! Go!
 
 
Come on! We got to get them
before they get out the hole.
 
 
Stay away from my lead reindeer!
 
 
- Whoo!
 
 
Holy Hannah,
he's an action hero!
 
 
Hyah!
 
 
What are you doin' up there?
I can't see where I'm driving.
 
 
You are a sad,
strange little man.
 
 
Whoa!
 
 
You're gonna fall... I hope!
 
 
That's a good way
to lose an eye!
 
 
Look out! You're scaring me!
 
 
Can I help you?
 
 
Honey, I'm home!
 
 
Loser!
 
 
Hey, I'm supposed to wear this
coat! How about a little elbow?
 
 
There you are.
That's gotta feel good.
 
 
You want the shoe?
Take it off. Go ahead. Go on!
 
 
Uh?
 
 
What are we gonna do now,
smartypants?
 
 
Watch out!
The building! Left, left!
 
 
Oh, well.
The town'll break the fall.
 
 
Look out!
 
 
Yo, Tony! Hey, Brian, stop me!
 
 
Oof!
 
 
Get off of me! Now remember,
rules are very, very important!
 
 
I want hot chocolate.
 
 
Hey, guys, back up. I've
got a special place for him.
 
 
You idiot! Wait a minute,
something's shocking me.
 
 
- You were great.
- Sounds like you were too.
 
 
- We've got ten minutes.
- Where is Carol?
 
 
- Carol! Are you all right?
- Yes!
 
 
:Bernard: Where are you going?
:Scott: You know this, Number One. Its Christmas. I've got to deliver gifts.
:Bernard: Aren't you forgetting something?
:Scott: No.
:Bernard: You gotta get married.
:Carol: Excuse me?
:Scott: Carol, I... I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus.
:Carol: Oh. So that's what the whole noodles and pie thing...You just needed to find a wife.
:Scott: No.
:Carol: No?
:Scott: Yes. 
:Carol: Yes?
:Scott: Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling... in love.
:Carol: You love me? This is all happening so fast.
:Scott: Well, there's no pressure.
:Carol: Good.
:Scott: I just won't deliver the gifts and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole will disappear and Christmas will be gone.
:Abby: Get down on one knee.
:Scott: Hm?
:Abby: Do it. Now. Say "Carol."
:Scott: Carol.
:Carol: Uh-huh? Yeah?
:Abby: You say this is happening all so fast.
:Scott: You say this is happening all so fast.
:Abby: But you've known me your whole life.
:Scott: But you've known me your whole life.
:Abby: When you were little and alone...
:Scott: When you were little and alone...
:Abby and Scott: Santa--
:Scott: [to Abby] I can take it from here. [to Carol] Santa was always there for you. And I will be, as long as you continue to believe in me. I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home, but I can guarantee you that this is worth it. This place... This place is all about magic and love... and wonder. And occasionally, a thin-crust pizza and a movie and a long winter night.
:Carol: Is there a school here?
:Scott: Yeah, we have one, a school, the elves need a new principal. Cause as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish. Carol, I love you.
:Carol: You do?
:Scott: Will you be my wife?
:Abby: I will.
:Carol: Thank you. I've got it from here. I will.
 
 
By the powers vested in me
by me,
 
 
I now pronounce you Santa
 
 
and Mrs Claus.
 
 
Well, go on now. Kiss her!
 
 
Awwww!
 
 
- Dad, we gotta go.
- Walk me to my sleigh.
 
 
We gotta go! When we get back,
we start making some more toys.
 
 
All right. Well, Mrs Claus,
you might want to get some rest.
 
 
You see, tomorrow begins
vacation season for me,
 
 
which means a three-month
honeymoon for us.
 
 
Nothing tropical. You do not
want to see this in a Speedo.
 
 
Don't be home too late.
 
 
And so it begins.
 
 
Boys, we've got
some toys to deliver!
 
 
Hyah!
 
 
Lucy?
 
 
What, Charlie?
 
 
Come downstairs.
I want you to see something.
 
 
Lucy.
 
 
Watch this.
 
 
Uncle Scott?!
 
 
- Do you have any twos?
- Go fish!
 
 
You are Santa!
I knew it was you all along.
 
 
- And you were right.
- Uncle Scott...
 
 
You look all rosy.
Are you feeling better?
 
 
I'm feeling much, much better.
 
 
Is there anything else
I should know about?
 
 
I don't know. But Charlie has
something he wants to tell you.
 
 
OK.
 
 
You know, I was exactly your age
when I found out my dad was Santa.
 
 
- But I couldn't tell anybody.
- I can't tell anybody either?
 
 
No. But knowing it
isn't a burden.
 
 
It's a gift.
 
 
Most kids stop believing in
Santa when they grow up.
 
 
But I get to
believe in him forever.
 
 
I love you, Charlie. Thank you.
 
 
But do we still get toys?
 
 
If you ever get to bed and go to
sleep like the other kids.
 
 
Oh... OK!
 
 
- Merry Christmas, Lucy.
- Merry Christmas, Santa.
 
 
Sport, I gotta fly.
 
 
- Easy, boys, easy.
 
 
You're gettin' it, Chet.
 
 
Look, Charlie!
 
 
Merry Christmas, Comet!
 
 
All right, boys!
Hyah! Ho, ho, ho!
 
 
- Hyah!
 
 
Merry Christmas to all!
And to all a good night!
 
 
Nothin' wrong with
a straight line, Chet.
 
 
Chet! Chet!
 
 
Hey!
 
 
What the heck
are we doin' out here?
 
 
Agh!
 
 
Look, if we're gonna dance...
 
 
dance like this.
All of us!
 
 
Everybody, you idiots!
 
 
Hey, lady!
 
 
Watch this!
 
 
Ever seen a toy do this?
 
 
Where you going?
 
 
Whoo!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Disney Transcripts
Category:Christmas transcripts