My child is a failure.

My child is a failure. is the first episode of I hate my child..
== Synopsis ==
After Mr. Renaud gives his class a test for the next day, Bot asks various people for advice on studying. Meanwhile, a record store opens downtown, and Golf gets furious about it.
== Transcript ==
[The episode starts at Bot’s class]
Mr. Renaud: Alright, kiddies, that concludes our baby-making lesson! Study it for tomorrow, because there’s a test!
Bot: Finally.
Travis: Damn fool, it’s a written test!
Bot: Aw, man. Hey, what’s that noise?
Travis: LIZ!
Smooth voiceover: That damn classturbator at it again. Tut, tut, tut.
[Cuts to the Augers’ house]
Zoltan: (raspy, slurring voice) You have a test for tomorrow? Ha, tough luck! I am too busy writing SpongeBob fanfiction to help you.
Bot: But please!
Zoltan: Nope.
Bot: But-
Zoltan: CHILD CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WRITING FANON SPONGEBOB EPISODES???!!!
Bot: Fine. I will get help from this cactus.
Zoltan: Okay, I don’t really care.
Bot: [walks over to her cactus] Hey, can you give me tips on studying for a test tomorrow?
Cactus: Well, as a cactus, I never went to school. However, when I have to concentrate, I try to think I’m dying in the infamous cacti-human war of 2006 B.C.. So many dead cactuses…..
Bot: Erm, okay. I’m gonna go ask Crazy what he thinks. [she goes to her garden, where Crazy is]
Crazy: Meow, meow, meow.
Bot: Hey Crazy! Do you want to help me study?
Crazy: Meow, I’m a dog. And also 12 years old. 
[a laugh track plays in the background]
Bot: Well yeah, but we sent you to school, right?
Crazy: No.
Bot: I won’t feed you if you don’t at least try to help me.
[Crazy scratches Bot’s face]
Bot: DAD!!!
Zoltan (from the house): What?!
Bot: Crazy isn’t helping me, and he hurt me!
Zoltan (from the house): He’s a cat, you moron.
Crazy: For your information, Sir Auger, I am actually of the CrazySponge genus.
Bot: Didn’t you say you were a dog?
Crazy: o
Bot: Wow, he really is the craziest sponge.
[dead silence]
Bot: Why the hell aren’t you la--
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, doorbell rings and Golf opens it]
Bot: Mr. Pecks, can you help me with my studies?
Golf: No.
Bot: I thought you graduated Harvard.
Golf: Yes.
Bot: Oh, okay, well, can I at least come in?
Golf: Out you go.
Bot: I’m not in yet--
[Door shuts on Bot]
Golf: Bot Auger has been aborted.
Aaron: Whoa, what’s ruffled your flippers today, Golf?
Golf: The enemy of the people has moved downtown.
Aaron: Oh yeah, that new record store.
[Cut to an establishing shot of the new store, the sign on it reads ‘SBFW’]
Smooth voiceover: S-B-F-W. Super Bangin’ Funky Waltz.
[Cuts back to Golf and Aaron’s house]
Golf: Urgh! It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s garden, which Bot has hopped the fence into. Prim is there eating lasagna]
Bot: Hey!
Prim: Meow, what the heck do you want?
Bot: Can you help me study?
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: No.
Bot: Please!
Prim: NO! I am eating lasagna!
Bot: Just tell me tips on how to study while eating!
Prim: Fine! You see, when I have to study, I just eat lasagna, and it helps me study!
Bot: You always eat lasagna, you fat cat! And I have never seen you study.
Prim: Go away, I’m eating lasagna!
Bot: You always eat las-- [gets cut off by Prim]
Prim: You said that already.
Bot: Fine, I’ll leave.
Prim: Wait! Maybe I could give you some lasagna to help you study - IF you give me $100.
Bot: Okay, first of all, does lasagna REALLY help you study?
Prim: Albert Einstein ate lasagna.
Bot: Really?
Prim: Golf told me. It must be true.
Bot: Okay, but why do you need $100?
[Prim gestures towards his lasagna]
Bot: [sighs] Fine. I will steal $100 from my dad!
Smooth voiceover: Man, where did that gal go wrong?
[Cut to Golf’s house. Aaron is reading SAD Magazine with no emotion on his face]
Aaron: [flips page] Hmph.
[Pained screaming heard from upstairs. Aaron lets out a deep sigh and goes upstairs to see Golf]
Aaron: What’s wrong, Golf?
Golf: It’s those darned trolls! 
Aaron: What trolls?
Golf: The entertainment industry.
Aaron: [thinks for a couple seconds] Yup, that checks out. What did they do this time?
[Cut to Golf’s “bedroom” where he is sitting on a single IKEA chair in the middle of the room]
Golf: I keep on hearing people play Satanic rituals outside. I want to burn their small radios.
Aaron: That’s just Drake.
Golf: Yes. Satan.
Aaron: [sighs] Well, okay, just close your windows.
Golf: I cannot do that.
Aaron: And why can you not do that?
Golf: Then I would overheat, and potentially blow up like Benson.
Aaron: We have air conditioning.
Golf: I can’t be getting up to turn on the A/C. That takes time out of my day! UNPRODUCTIVE!
Aaron: Golf, you sit in a deckchair and trade stocks all day. You don’t even come downstairs for food sometimes. 
Golf: That kitchen is the enemy of the people.
Aaron: Why is the--
Golf: There are no vegetables.
Aaron: I didn’t buy any vegetables yesterday but I bought some strawberries, you might like them.
[Golf rushes downstairs. Cut to Bot sneaking into the Auger household]
Zoltan: What are you doing, child?
Bot: Uhh… I’m searching for my… [looks around the house and sees a pen] pen… [looks up to the ceiling] ...icillin.
Zoltan: Your penicillin?
Bot: Yes, my penicillin.
Zoltan: O-kay… [Zoltan walks away and mutters to himself while Bot runs into her bedroom] Man, these kids have got some crazy words for crack these days.
Bot: Here it is! All of my father’s money! Let’s see, 10, 20, 30, uh, I’ll just take all and Prim will count it. 
[Bot grabs the money, opens the window, and jumps from it to Golf and Aaron’s garden]
Prim: Why?
Bot: To show off, duh. Anyways, I have all of my dad’s money, count it. [throws it at Prim]
Prim: I wasn’t made for counting! I was made for eating lasagna! Let’s see here…just $101? Wow, your dad is broke.
Bot: He spent a lot of money on his computer that can run SpongeBob fanfiction at 60 frames per second.
Prim: I don’t really care. Here’s your change. [hands her back a dollar]
Bot: Thank you. Wait a second… that means my dad only has $1 now!
Prim: Yes. Here are your many lasagnas. [gives Bot one crumb of lasagna]
Bot: What? One crumb? Get here, you dirty cat! [chases him to the other side of the garden]
Prim: WOAH! Calm down! My stomach couldn’t wait one more second to eat lasagna!
Bot: [stops] Wait! Maybe Aaron can help.
Prim: Yeah, he’s kind of busy.
[Cut to Aaron sitting still on the sofa listening to Merzbow for a few seconds and cut back to the garden]
Bot: DANG IT! I guess I’ll just have to try to study on my own. But I’ll probably get an F. Wait, I feel like there’s someone near me who can still help me...
CartoonGuy: [appears out of nowhere] ME! ME! I want to be in the episode!
Bot: Nah. [goes back into her house]
Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: The next day...
[Bot is with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in his class]
Bot: Now what? What should I do now?
Travis: Didn’t you study? Ha! I am an expert on this subject, of course.
[A laugh track plays in the background]
Bot: Well, I’m screwed.
Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, we can finally start!
Bot: [sighs] Okay...
Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: Meanwhile...
[Cut to Golf in the kitchen cramming strawberries down his throat at record pace and swiftly writing on a scroll]
Aaron: Man, I haven’t seen you do anything that quick since they made the time for Sunday mass an hour earlier. What are you writing?
Golf: I am not just “writing”. I am filing a complaint.
Aaron: Towards?
Golf: The entertainment industry.
Aaron: [thinks for another couple seconds] Yup, that makes sense.
Golf: I am specifically requesting higher tax rates for the CEOs of that wretched business. 
Aaron: Wow, that’s unlike you. In fact, that’s oddly left-wing of you, Golf.
Golf: I am a true centrist. Whenever I’m in the back garden, I always sit on the fence.
Aaron: Okay, then why do you want higher tax rates for big businesses?
Golf: All music executives should be bankrupt. All musicians for that matter.
Aaron: I was with you until “all musicians.”
Golf: Shut it, troll. You know I’m right about this. You and the rest of Mr. Pineapple’s cronies just refuse to change your Stalinist ways.
Aaron: What about liking music makes me a Stalinist?
[A far-left group is protesting in the neighborhood blasting the anthem of the USSR]
Golf: All (((musicians))) want is control! They want to get their filthy Je- I mean musical hands all over my brain! I won’t let them do it!
Aaron: Hey, what was that part about filthy Je-- 
[Cut to Aaron sitting outside Golf’s house with only his coat]
Smooth voiceover: Man, that Golfpecks is one sly penguin.
Golf: FALSE! I am a banana.
Smooth voiceover: How does he know I’m narrating? Oh, right… he hears voices.
[Cut to Bot with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in the classroom]
Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, here are the grades. 
[Cut to Bot sweating profusely]
Mr. Renaud: First off, Liz. You didn’t answer a single question, and focused on whacking your wallaby the whole time. You get a Z-... but can I get your underwear?
Liz: No.
Mr. Renaud: You are expelled. 
[Liz suddenly vanishes, leaving only white stains on her desk]
Mr. Renaud: Next, Travis. You also get a Z-. You wrote a horrendous story about religion, which I and my good friend Golf Pecks hold very dear to our hearts.
Travis: Blasted buffoon! I bet you write worse stuff about us.
Mr. Renaud: Uh…you are also expelled.
[Travis similarly vanishes]
Mr. Renaud: And finally, Bot…...you were the best!
Bot: YES!
Mr. Renaud: You got an F.
Bot: NO! [starts crying]
Mr. Renaud: Bot, stop crying…it’s not very attractive.
Bot: [sobbing] Please, Mr. Renaud! Let me rewrite it!
Mr. Renaud: No! If you studied instead of playing around with your dog who is also your cat who is also CrazySponge, you could have gotten an A.
Bot: But… [continues crying]
Mr. Renaud: Enough crocodile tears! Go to the Principal’s office!
[Bot gets up, gets out of the classroom, and grins for a second, before starting to cry again and going into the principal’s office]
Spongefan: [yelling viciously, like a drill sergeant] Bot AUGER! What the (obnoxious bleep sound) are you crying about?
Bot: It’s just… .I studied so hard for this test and I got an F… Mr. Renaud sent me here for crying, and I--I--I’m sorry but...
Spongefan: [sarcastically and angrily] Oh, I get you, Bot! It’s not (bleep)ing fair! You poor thing! YOU… [more quietly] you remind me of me… [cheesy generic piano music starts playing] and you get an A+! [starts crying uncontrollably] You can go home.
[Bot stops crying and grins, then leaves the Principal’s office and starts laughing. She leaves the school and we cut to outside the record store where a group of far-left protesters are campaigning against the store opening]
Protesters: [chanting] SBFW is unfair! Kirkburn is in there!
[Golf narrowly makes his way through the protesters to go the store before he gets stopped by a leader]
Protester: [stereotypical 60’s ‘hippie’ voice] Why are you goin’ in here, old man? To buy your vinyl records from the corporate bigwigs causing deep inequality in the divided American society?
Golf: I am not an old man. I am 26. Anyways, my intention is to go in there to send a strongly-worded message to the company owners.
Protester: Hey, did you guys hear that?! He’s about to tell Kirkburn who’s boss!
[Protesters cheer for Golf]
Protester: Hey, what’s your name, dude?
Golf: Golf Pecks.
Protesters: [chanting] GOLF PECKS! GOLF PECKS!
[Golf enters the store and shivers before talking to the girl at the counter]
Shopkeeper: How can I help you?
Golf: I would like to speak to the manager.
Shopkeeper: I’m afraid he’s not here right now. All of the higher-ups are in exile because of the protests.
[The room shakes, shocking Golf]
Golf: What on earth was that?
[Cut to outside where one protester is driving a bulldozer into the store. They are still chanting “GOLF PECKS!”. Golf’s eyes dart, and eventually look onto the Christian Music section, which he guards with his life.]
Protest Leader: Come on, Golf! Don’t wuss out now!
Golf: I need to enter a state of self-reflection. I think I’ve gone insane.
[As Golf finishes his sentence the bulldozer crashes into the store, demolishing it and unleashing metric tonnes of rubble across the road. Golf sticks his head out from the rubble]
Golf: Wait, NOW I CAN’T FILE MY COMPLAINT! At least I got some free Pat Boone out of it.
Smooth voiceover: Mm, Pat Boone. That Jesus freak has got a good-ass taste in music. Debbie could light up my life for sure… if you know what I mean.
[Cut to Bot walking home, ignoring the rubble when suddenly her dad can be heard from far away]
Zoltan (offscreen): Bot! MY MONEY!
Bot: WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN! I--
Zoltan: [runs towards him] I’M GONNA KILL YOU!
Bot: [starts running away] AAARGH!
[Cuts to the Augers’ househould’s garden and zooms in to Crazy]
Crazy: Ah yes, my family.
Bot (offscreen): AAAAAH! [yelling and explosions can be heard] HELP!
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