Gone with the Wind (Waker)

is the first episode of The Wrong Legend of Zelda. It was written by and first aired in December 2017.
==Synopsis==
Albert Dawson, or Mocha, sets out on a quest (not that he wanted to) to explore the Great Sea that he has inhabited for the past 22 years of his life, and ends up stumbling on a somewhat delusional princess of a kingdom long gone.
==Transcript==
A man is seen sleeping on the edge of a lookout. A young girl then appears as she creeps over to the man, with a party popper. She gets up next to him as she pulls the popper.
:Girl: Happy birthday, Al!
Al wakes up suddenly, losing his balance on the edge of the lookout, as he falls into the ocean.
:Girl: Whoops.
Al then appears from beneath the lookout to see the girl laughing.
:Al: That coulda killed me!
The girl tries suppressing her laughter as Al raises his eyebrows.
:Girl: Grandma wants you.
:Al: You made me fall 100 feet just to tell me that?!
:Girl: Gotta say happy birthday somehow.
Al shakes his head as he heads down off the lookout and off home.
----
A woman is seen lying back on the deck of a ship, chewing bubble gum with her eyes closed.
:Voice: Tetrissa!
Tetrissa opens one eye as she gets up and walks down to a cabin, where a crew member on the ship is seen next to a door that has a key in it.
:Crew member: What's in here?
:Tetrissa: Uh...
The camera shows what's inside the room, showing an abnormally large brain surrounded by crowns and jewels. Tetrissa remains silent as she takes the key and swallows it.
:Crew member: That was a bit of an extreme measure.
:Tetrissa: I'm an extreme woman, Hasheem.
Hasheem nods as they go outside, where Tetrissa notices a large bird flying at them.
:Tetrissa: Am I tripping right now?
The bird then swiftly grabs Tetrissa, holding her by its leg.
:Hasheem: I don't think so!
Tetrissa tries breaking free, appearing nonchalant, as she is taken away by the bird.
----
Al is seen punting a rupee a great distance as he enters his house to see his grandmother holding a green tunic.
:Al: Grandma... My coming of age thing was meant to happen 9 years ago.
:Al's grandmother: Oh.
Al's grandmother looks down at the tunic.
:Al's grandmother: At least try it on?
Al points toward a wall where a bunch of etchings are seen. He points to the lowest one.
:Al: Grandma, that was me at 13...
Al then points to the highest etching, which is about 3 feet higher.
:Al: And this is me now. I'm 7'1" now, for God's sake!
Al shakes his head as he goes into a room and comes back out with a sword, which his grandmother gasps at.
:Al's grandmother: Where did you get that?!
:Al: I bought it when we went to Windfall Island.
Al is then seen in a flashback where he is in a run down alley, giving some rupees to a shady figure before holding up the sword, before cutting back to the house.
:Al: Trust me, I'll be fine. Even without some sort of tunic thing.
Al gives the tunic back as he goes back to the lookout where his sister waits. Before that though, he pokes his head back into the house.
:Al: Oh yeah. What happened to mom and dad?
----
Tetrissa is seen still being carried by the bird, still not appearing worried and eating a chocolate bar. She spits out a piece of nut in the bar as she watches it go down and hit someone on the head, causing a massive wound.
:Tetrissa: Ah, my good friend physics.
Tetrissa looks at the bird.
:Tetrissa: Can you speed the fuck up? I've got a Fallen Kingdoms' Princesses Board meeting to go to and it's in 2 hours!
The bird looks confused.
:Tetrissa: What? That's a thing that exists!
Tetrissa then gets a card out with "T. Love" on it to back up her statement. The bird shakes its head.
:Tetrissa: This is bullshit. This is the sixty-third time in the past six months I've been randomly kidnapped by some bird bastard.
The bird appears insulted by what Tetrissa says.
:Tetrissa: Oh, grow a pair of balls! And pick up the fucking pace! The other sixty-two became a meal!
The bird then frantically flaps away, seemingly not wanting to meet the same fate as the other birds.
----
Tetrissa is seen, now bored, as she pulls out a bottle of beer and starts drinking it, which causes the bird to squawk.
:Tetrissa: Fuck you!
The bird squawks again.
:Tetrissa: What, do you want some?
The bird tries to pluck at Tetrissa's bottle, which she doesn't take lightly.
:Tetrissa: Fuck off, get your own fucking bottle!
Tetrissa swipes at the bird with the bottle, as the two struggle. They start to descend quickly as Al is seen messing with a telescope as he comes across Tetrissa and the bird fighting.
:Al: Ooh, this is interesting.
Al watches as the two crash into the forest on his island.
:Al: Oof. I should probably check that they're fine.
Al heads off to the forest as Tetrissa is seen hanging from a tree, as she spots her drink shattered on the ground.
:Tetrissa: Aw, man... I really wanted to drink that.
Tetrissa then looks at the bird, which has landed higher and is knocked out.
:Tetrissa: Fuck you, bird!
Tetrissa makes a bunch of obscene hand gestures at the unconscious bird as she waits to be rescued.
----
Al is seen, having just crossed a rope bridge, as he looks back at it.
:Al: Someone seriously needs to sort that out.
Al pulls out some paper as he writes "Fix the fucking bridge!" and puts it in a postbox, addressing it to "The Parts of Hyrule That Didn't Sink Council".
:Al: Right.
Al walks into the forest, where he sees Tetrissa, lounging and looking up at the bird.
:Al: Oh, this won't be easy.
Al climbs up, as he taps her on the shoulder.
:Al: Yo!
Tetrissa appears surprised as the vines holding her snap and she falls in front of Al.
:Al: You okay?
Tetrissa leaps up and directs a knife at Al, which he jumps back at.
:Tetrissa: Where the hell am I?!
:Al: Outset Island!
:Tetrissa: Who are you?!
Al is about to say his real name, but stops.
:Al: (in his head) Don't say Al, that's the lamest name ever!
Al thinks of something else.
:Al: ...Mocha.
:Tetrissa: Mocha?
:Al: Yes.
Al gets close to Tetrissa, with an exaggerated look on his face.
:Al: (whispering) Because I'm just too good to resist.
Tetrissa raises her eyebrows as they look up at the bird.
:Al: Oh hey, it has a tag!
Al climbs up the trees to cut the tag off as he reads it.
:Al: "If found, return to Garth Yondorfa, Forbidden Fortress, The Parts of Hyrule That Didn't Sink."
:Tetrissa: What the hell kind of name is that?
:Al: God knows. We have some bizarre names. We should probably go and take this stupid bird back.
:Tetrissa: Or...
Tetrissa smirks as the screen goes to black.
----
Al and Tetrissa are seen going through the forest, Tetrissa now holding a large breast-like piece of food, which has somehow been cooked.
:Al: Did you really need to do that?
:Tetrissa: Gotta eat somehow.
Al shakes his head.
:Al: Where are you from, anyway?
:Tetrissa: Hyrule.
Al pauses.
:Al: Isn't that some bullshit myth land?
Tetrissa pulls up her Fallen Kingdoms' Princesses Board card.
:Tetrissa: I was meant to go here today, but I got kidnapped by that dumb bird. This can kinda be seen as revenge.
Al looks down at the meat.
:Al: It's a bit... overkill, isn't it?
:Tetrissa: Overkill is the only way I know, Mocha.
:Al: Okay then. So-
:Al's sister: Al!
Al appears startled and looks at his sister, who is across the bridge.
:Al: What?!
Al realises he's just responded to his real name, and looks to see Tetrissa smirking.
:Al: No. Don't.
Tetrissa starts sniggering.
:Al: Stop.
Tetrissa goes into uncontrollable laughter as Al looks at his sister.
:Al: See what happens when you say my real name around new people?
Al's sister raises her eyebrows, then shrugs as she starts crossing the bridge to the two. However, a bird similar to the one Tetrissa was kidnapped by, swoops in and takes Al's sister away.
:Al: Oh, come on! This is the forty-ninth time already!
Tetrissa rolls her eyes.
:Tetrissa: C'mon, let's just save her again.
Al reluctantly follows Tetrissa as they look for a boat to use.
----
Al is seen, blasting out music on a boombox, as Tetrissa captains the ship. Tetrissa appears annoyed by Al's music.
:Tetrissa: Yo, can you turn that shit off?! It's giving me a fucking headache!
:Al: Like what you listen to is better!
:Tetrissa: Mine doesn't involve someone saying they're gonna knife someone in the loudest possible voice!
:Al: Mine doesn't sound like some sort of collision of 50 Liam Gallaghers!
:Tetrissa: At least they can actually put their own music together!
The two get in each others' faces, as Tetrissa spots the Forbidden Fortress before they do anything they'll regret.
:Tetrissa: By the way, we're here.
Al turns around as he looks at the fortress.
:Al: So, we're gonna-
Al looks down and realises he's in a barrel.
:Al: How the fuck did you do that so fast?!
:Tetrissa: When I'm pissed, I do things fast.
:Al: Wait-
Al is then fired into the fortress on his own. Tetrissa falls back.
:Tetrissa: Finally.
Tetrissa gets a magazine out titled "Lost Kingdom Princesses Weekly", which has a cover of Princess Daisy having a mugshot taken captioned "Sarasaland's Daisy caught doing cocaine in New Donk City" with the subtitle "Daisy: It takes the pain away".
:Tetrissa: Nice knowing I'm not doing so bad.
----
A man is seen in an office, looking at multiple legal documents. He drops a couple and looks down at the ground.
:Man: For God's sake!
The man then picks it up, as his name is shown to be Garth Yondorfa.
:Garth: I know why Cuphead told me not to deal with the devil now.
A bootleg-like version of Cuphead appears on the window.
:Bootleg Cuphead: I fucking told you!
:Garth: Fuck you!
The bootleg Cuphead raises his middle fingers as he hops off the window. Garth then looks back at his papers.
:Garth: So, I owe 500,000,000 rupees to the monster bird company, 200,000,000 to the guys who supply the monster bird food, 10,000 for the tagging of each bird... Jesus, this is a hard job. Especially when these birds keep disappearing!
Al then smashes into the window, which jumps Garth and makes him turn around to see Al, and spots his shirt.
:Garth: The Outset Guardians suck.
:Al: (muffled) Fuck you! Not like your team's any better!
Al starts making middle finger gestures as he starts sliding down. Al starts scratching at the glass to stay up and Garth pulls him into his office.
:Garth: What do you want?
:Al: My sister.
The two stare at each other for a bit as eventually, Garth throws Al into the waters of the fortress.
:Al: Fuck you, asshole!
Tetrissa looks up from her magazine to see Al falling, then simply turns back to her magazine as she reads something about Elise of Soleanna crying and causing an asteroid to hit her world.
:Tetrissa: Dumbass.
----
TBA
==Reception==
TBA
==Trivia==
TBA
Category:Episodes
Category:RTA's Things
Category:Subpages
Category:2017
Category:The Legend of Zelda (series)
Category:Transcripts