Patrick's Funeral

Patrick's Funeral is the thirty-fifth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the second episode of the fourth season. It was written by and released on January 27, 2023.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The Pig family pull up outside in Mummy Pig’s car. Daddy Pig steps out.]
Daddy Pig: Right, I guess I’ll see you soon maybe?
Mummy Pig: Yeah. Thanks for a lovely Rishmas, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Same for you.
[Daddy Pig signals to Peppa and George in the backseat.]
Daddy Pig: Bye my cherubs!
[Peppa and George are too distracted by their iPads to even notice.]
Daddy Pig: Oh for God’s sake.
[Daddy Pig takes forcibly their headphones off.]
Peppa: HEY! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT FOR YOU EEJIT?!
George: Eejit!
Daddy Pig: I said, “bye my cherubs!”
George: Shut yo’ bitch-ass mouth up.
Mummy Pig: (gasps) George! Where on Earth did you get such colourful language from?
[George points at Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig.]
Peppa: Bye, Daddy.
Daddy Pig: Well I’m glad one of my children cares that I’m going back to live with SpongeBob.
Peppa: I thought you loved Mummy again now and you were going to stay with us forever.
Mummy Pig: We… we just need to figure some stuff out, Peppa. Until then, Daddy will only be with us sometimes.
Daddy Pig: But I promise Peppa, once me and Mummy Pig sort ourselves out, everything will be back to normal.
[Cut to SpongeBob answering his door. Obviously Daddy Pig is on the side. Mummy Pig has since driven off.]
SpongeBob: Ayyy, Daddy Pig! You were gone longer than expected.
Daddy Pig: I know, sorry. It really just was great to spend Rishmas with my family again. How was your Rishmas?
SpongeBob: Patrick got brutally mauled to death by a tiger. Beat him up so bad he ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Daddy Pig: Ha ha ha! What a story, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yeah, you can say that again. He broke every bone in his body.
[Gary the Snail 3 slithers in.]
Gary 3: Starfish don’t even have bones.
SpongeBob: I know, that’s how severe it was.
Daddy Pig: He’s such a plonker that Patrick is.
SpongeBob: He’s dead, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Loser.
SpongeBob: Will you cut it out, man?!
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry, I just really don’t see what the big deal is. Aren’t you overreacting just a little bit?
SpongeBob: My best friend is dead, okay?!
Daddy Pig: I thought I was your best friend.
SpongeBob: Second best friend then. I’ve known Patrick since childhood summer camp… I just can’t believe he’s gone like this. Can’t you show some respect? It’s not like we know someone who can magically bring people back from the dead or something- OH, ELMO 5!
Daddy Pig: Yeahhh.
SpongeBob: You’re a genius, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I know I am. We just need to kindly ask Elmo 5 to bring back Patrick like we did with Suzy Sheep and hopefully she will obviously say-
[Cut to Daddy Pig, SpongeBob and Gary 3 talking to Elmo 5 in her house.]
Elmo 5: No.
Daddy Pig: Bitch! We didn’t drive all the way here for an hour just for you to turn us down!
Elmo 5: Elmo 5 sorry, but the “bringing people back from the dead” rulebook clearly states that Elmo 5’s magic is strictly prohibited from reviving anyone who was, mauled to death by a tiger, you said?
Gary 3: Yuh.
Daddy Pig: This is BULLSHIT! You didn’t have a bloody rulebook when you revived Suzy Sheep!
Elmo 5: Reviving Suzy Sheep caused her to go on a rampage across Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World, though. We were already in the middle of an apocalypse and Elmo 5 just escalated it to a whole new level. Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden had a LONG talk with Elmo 5, and now Elmo 5 legally have to follow the rulebook or Elmo 5 end up in jail like Chris Chan.
SpongeBob: So, there really isn’t anything you can do?
Elmo 5: Nah, Elmo 5 only allowed to revive people in emergencies now. Like when Rishi Sunak make Elmo 5 revive Margaret Thatcher.
Daddy Pig: …you revived Margaret Thatcher?
Gary 3: LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Elmo 5: Yeah. Rishi Sunak say Margaret Thatcher very nice lady who did nothing wrong.
Daddy Pig: Of course he did.
Gary 3: I love Margaret Thatcher.
Elmo 5: Actually, Elmo 5 not think Elmo 5 was supposed to tell you that. Whoops.
SpongeBob: (sighs) Well, thanks anyway Elmo 5.
Elmo 5: You’re welcome. Elmo 5 go smoke a pack of Winston’s now.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary 3 leaving the house.]
Daddy Pig: I’m so sorry for your loss.
SpongeBob: It’s okay. I did most of my crying while you were enjoying your Rishmas with your family.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
SpongeBob: I went camping with Dora though, so my Rishmas wasn’t all bad.
Daddy Pig: That’s good. I went camping with Mummy Pig once. My big tummy couldn’t fit in the tent so I had to sleep outside in the rain. Ho-ho! Good times.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig? Did you just admit that your tummy is big?
Daddy Pig: Wha- No! I did not!
SpongeBob: I think you did.
Daddy Pig: I DID NOT!
Gary 3: Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard you say you have a big tummy.
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT HAVE A BIG TUMMY!
Gary 3: If you say so.
Daddy Pig: BUT I’M TELLING THE TRUTH! MY TUMMY IS NORMAL-SIZED!
SpongeBob: Sure, Daddy Pig, sure.
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom Cemetery. A group of people are gathered for Patrick’s funeral. A couple of Bikini Bottomites walk in carrying the coffin, and lower it down into a hole.]
Mr. Krabs: Aw, why couldn’t we have had an open casket? 
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, be respectful.
Mr. Krabs: I’m sorry me boy, I just love a good funeral! They get me all acting up! 
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mr. Krabs is a necrophile. 
Mr. Krabs: Agagagagagagagagag!
Squidward: I thought he had severe Alzheimer’s. 
Mr. Krabs: What? Who are you?
[Janet and Marty walk up to a podium behind Patrick’s grave.]
Marty: Ahem. I’d like to, um… give a few words if you will. You know, Patrick really was a great man. Never before have I known someone with as much wisdom as he had. He truly was the best son I could had asked for.
[Cecil and Bunny Star walk up to the podium.]
Bunny: Who invited these two to our son’s funeral?
Janet: Wait, this is YOUR son’s funeral?
Marty: Oh that’s right honey, we don’t have a son!
Janet: Oh yeah.
[Janet and Marty walk off.]
Cecil: Anyway, um… I’m just gonna ignore that and get straight to the speech my wife and I prepar-
[GrandPat barges onto the podium.]
GrandPat: Shut up, yer taking too long!
[GrandPat pushes Bunny and Cecil out of the way.]
GrandPat: I’ll handle this.
Bunny: Well if you say so, GrandPat.
GrandPat: I’ve been on this planet for a LONG time, so take it as a fact when I say that Patrick was widely known as a man of extraordinary capacity and almost saintly values! After
starting his career as a lecturer in economics he rose rapidly to become the Head of the
Housing Trus-
Cecil: I don’t remember any of that.
GrandPat: Don’t you? Well, I am pretty old, my ol’ noggin isn’t what it used to be. My point is, it is an absolute DISGRACE that Patrick Star died the way he did and I know exactly who to blame - those darn dogshit LIBERALS! THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING! THEY’RE POISONING OUR WATER SUPPLY AND TURNING OUR FROGS GAY! THIS IS JUST COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! THAT COMMUNIST PEDOPHILE JOSEPH BIDEN IS RUINING OUR ONCE GREAT COMPANY AND NOW HE’S KILLED MY ONLY GRANDSON! THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN TRUMP’S AMERICA! TRUMP 2024! TRUMP 2024! VOTE FOR TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!
Cecil: Okay, father, I think it’s time you had your meds.
GrandPat: Aw, I hate my meds! Can we get a Happy Meal when the funeral service is over?
Bunny: Ooh! That’s a great idea! It could be our family meal in honor of Patrick.
[Cecil and Bunny carry GrandPat away from the podium. Squidina steps up.]
Squidina: Patrick was… not a great older brother, honestly. When I was just nine years old, he forced me to work on his stupid talk show all by myself. I honestly think I put more effort into the most half-assed episode than he ever did for the entire fucking show. Regardless, I think we will all miss Patrick Star, even if he was nothing but a massive asshole to everyone.
[Cut to Uncle Grandpa at the podium.]
Uncle Grandpa: I knew Patrick. We used to watch in the morning.
[Cut to Gary 3 at the podium.]
Gary 3: I like Margaret Thatcher. 
SpongeBob: (scolding) Gary!
Gary 3: What?
SpongeBob: Say something nice about Patrick.
Gary 3: Who?
SpongeBob: Patrick? My best friend?
Gary: …oh him. Yeah, I hardly knew him but rip bozo I guess.
[Cut to Viktor Orbán at the podium.]
Viktor Orbán: Patrick delivered my mail once to me all the way in the great country of Hungary. He was a good postman, shame he was American though. I hate America. Filthy communist pedophile Joe Biden.
GrandPat: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL THESE PEOPLE!
[Cut to Squidward at the podium.]
Squidward: Patrick was… kind of cool I guess… he wasn’t as annoying as SpongeBob, I’ll give him that.
[Cut to Cool Cat at the podium.]
Cool Cat: Patrick was EXQUISITE!!!!!
[Cut to Sandy at the podium.]
Sandy: Yeah, he was a dimwitt, sure, but… he was our dimwitt.
[Cut to Johnny from The Room at the podium.]
Johnny: I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not hit her, (throws a water bottle on the ground) I did nahhht!!!!!!
[Pause.]
Johnny: Oh hi, funeral service.
[Cut to SpongeBob at the podium.]
SpongeBob: Patrick and I were proud members of the Best Friends Forever Club. He was the smartest guy I knew and always there when I needed him most.
Squidina: LIES!
SpongeBob: Even when we fought, Patrick and I always got back together again. He was part of my life, I thought I could not go on without him but, alas… I guess I’m going to have to learn to. I am sure he is looking down on us right now and smiling.
Mr. Krabs: (fast asleep, snoring) Change the channel, Marge!
[Everyone, even SpongeBob, bursts into a fit of laughter as Patrick’s coffin is lowered into his grave.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob loves funerals. EVERYONE loves funerals!
[Fin.]
== Characters (in order of appearance) ==
*Daddy Pig
*Mummy Pig
*Peppa Pig
*George Pig
*SpongeBob SquarePants (Daddy Pig Continuum)
*Patrick Star (Daddy Pig Continuum) (mentioned)
*Gary the Snail 3
*Elmo 5
*Suzy Sheep (mentioned)
*Rishi Sunak (mentioned)
*Joe Biden (mentioned)
*Margaret Thatcher (mentioned)
*Mr. Krabs
*Squidward Tentacles
*Peppa Pig Narrator
*Janet
*Marty
*Bunny Star
*Cecil Star
*GrandPat Star
*Donald Trump (mentioned)
*Squidina Star
*Uncle Grandpa
*Viktor Orbán
*Cool Cat
*Sandy Cheeks
*Johnny
* (mentioned)
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