Golden Gator

So this is the golden gator page, where we only tell the truth about the golden gator. Now you might ask yourself: "Why even make this page at all? Is there that much misinformation about the golden gator?" I assure you, whatever you think the situation is, it's twice as bad. There's a lot of lies going around. A lot of folk out there who don't know what they're talking about. You know Marco? From work? Chunkneck can't tell his mouth from his ass, but ask anyone: they'll tell you he makes sure both get plenty of exercise. "Oh yeah the golden gator? I have twelve." He just goes off. "Whole garage full of 'em! I have to keep trading them in for the newer model" bullshit. He's never seen a golden gator in his life. "Newer model"? They don't work that way cuh. A whole bunch of off the wall rumors are being spread about these things. I don't know if it's because of some mental effect they perpetuate or people like having a childish and irresponsible sense of humor. Probably both. Here is what we KNOW about the golden gator, and ONLY that.
- The Golden Gator is 7.54 feet long, 1.98 feet high, and weighs between 900 and 2400 pounds when viewed. This is not an estimation. It is a fluctuating range.
- The Golden Gator is not made of gold. We don't know what it is, but it resists the hydraulic press fairly well.
- The Golden Gator DOES hum, but you need to have your ear up to it in order to hear the sound.
- The Golden Gator always points its snout up at an angle. If the direction lines up perfectly with a human heart, it will instantly stop beating. This has been CONFIRMED.
- When unobserved, the Golden Gator is nearly weightless and approximately a quarter the size.
- Some scumlord keeps leaving them out in public places where they are about as timelessly useless as the stone cold dog.
- If you can find a way to move them, they currently sell for a few thousand, which is enough to replace the car you just totaled by crashing into the fucking thing.
You probably don't think any of these are much of an issue, but believe me, they add up. One time I was leaving the office and Libby from IT was dead center in the lobby. She was shouting her head off, cursing people out. At first I was amused, but it wasn't even a clever rant; she was all "FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS JOB! FUCK YOUR COMPUTERS! I'M THROUGH!" Then as a finisher she pulled this massive golden gator from her purse and laid it behind her on the way out. The whole fucking exit was blocked for an hour. What kind of person does something like that? We have crates that need to come in, desks we have to carry out during renovations. you name it. That shit's not acceptable. I don't care what kind of midlife crisis you're going through, plopping down a 1 ton gilded crocodile statue and blocking the flow of human traffic is a juvenile decision. Full stop. 
But that's the world we live in now, I guess.
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