Smashtasm - Episode 3 (Part 1)/Transcript

(Logo appears saying "Machinima.com Original") 
Snake: Look at the size of that hammer…
Colonel: This is no time for pickup lines, Snake. 
(Scene opens with Super64 following Dark Sheik through a custom stage.)
Narrator: And so, we rejoin our hero who is being inconspicuously led on by, well, someone evil, I guess. I can’t really tell but, uh, it’s pretty obvious she’s leading him into a trap or something. I mean, the whole “dark costume” thing is practically screaming it at you. I highly doubt the writers even- 
(Dark Sheik turns towards the camera)
Dark Sheik: Hey, shut up! He hasn’t figured it out yet! 
Super64: Who are you talking to? 
Dark Sheik: Who are YOU talking to? 
Super64: Uhh… 
Dark Sheik: Look, are you going to ask questions all day, or are you gonna take us there? 
Super64: Wait, I thought you were taking me somewhere. 
(Dark Sheik runs up and grabs Super64)
Dark Sheik: You stupid ingrate! How could you forget where you were taking me!? I have half a mind to come to your house, and beat you mercilessly until your carpeting smears with endless crimson streams of my infallible rage!! (releases Super64) AND THE OTHER HALF OF MY MIND WILL STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO KILL THE FIRST HALF!! (starts glowing) THE BRAIN DAMAGE YOU HAVE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE COMPOUND FRACTURE I'M GONNA GIVE TO YOUR SKULL!!! 
Super64: What?! 
Dark Sheik: I’m just kidding, we’re here. 
(Super64 and Dark Sheik walk up towards a deep pit)
Super64: This doesn’t look like where you said we were going. 
Dark Sheik: Ah-no, sure it does. Look, you just jump in that hole and it will bring you straight to your friend. 
Super64: Then why does the hole say “Trap Portal?” 
(Screen pans out, revealing the sign “Trap Portal”) 
Dark Sheik: Uh, that’s a typo. It’s supposed to say “Trans Portal”. 
Super64: Then whys it say: “WARNING DO NOT ENTER THE TRAP PORTAL. A user that falls in will be subjected to a perpetual fall?” 
(Screen shows sign on wall saying what Super64 had just said)
Dark Sheik: Oh, that’s just to scare people away, so they don’t find out how convenient it is. 
(A black Donkey Kong player shows up on the right platform, carrying a white Fox player) 
Black Donkey Kong Player: Hiya, H. How are you doing, today? As you can see, I'm taking another prisoner into the clearly labeled "Trap Portal".
White Fox Player: (panicked) No! No! Wait! Please!
(The black Donkey Kong player throws the white Fox player into the Trap Portal)
White Fox Player: Noooooooo! (voice fades) 
Black Donkey Kong Player: Huge success! (begins to leave) Heh, this was a triumph. 
Super64: …Well then why was that man screaming in panic when he was thrown in just now? 
Dark Sheik: That wasn’t a scream in panic. It was a scream of joy, because he was so happy when he discovered the candy at the bottom of the hole. 
Super64: The what? 
Dark Sheik: Didn’t I mention that before? There’s candy down there! Look for yourself! 
(Dark Sheik jumps behind Super64 as he approaches the Trap Portal, looking down)
Super64: I don’t see any cand- 
Dark Sheik: Sparta! 
(Dark Sheik kicks Super64 into the Trap Portal. Super64 starts screaming as Dark Sheik laughs maniacally.)
Narrator: And so, Super64 was cast into the Trap Portal, where he would fall perpetually, and would never be heard from again in the world of Smashtasm! (screen changes to Luigi’s Mansion, showing both Lamp and 1337f0x unconscious by Girem6, howling) And with no one to save them, his friends were entrapped forever in the hands of Girem6. The end that everyone had most dreaded has finally come into fruition. 
(A texture-hack Squirtle appears).
Turty: Congratulations! You've defeated Super64! I am Turty, the magical flying turtle. Your compliance to higher authority has pleased me, and I'm ready to grant you 5 brand new wishes! 
Dark Sheik: Wait a minute, that's not a turtle! That's an armadillo! 
Turty: My god! You’re right! 
(Rudy appears behind Dark Sheik)
Rudy: Of course I’m right! I’m a genius, aren’t I? 
Dark Sheik: Oh, Rudy! You’re such a tool! 
(Dark Sheik, Rudy, and Turly start laughing heartily) 
Narrator: But fortunately for Super64, this was all in the imagination of his would-be assailant. 
Dark Sheik: Yes, that’s exactly what I’ll do! 
Super64: Who are you talking to? 
Dark Sheik: Who are YOU talking to? 
(Intro plays)
Super64: So, I just jump in that hole, and it will bring me straight to 1337f0x? 
Dark Sheik: Yes it will. And if it seems suspicious to you, I have a complex list of reasons why it isn’t. 
Super64: Oh no, I trust you. 
Dark Sheik: You what? 
Super64: Well, you’re really sincere. I know you’d never lie to me when it comes to something like this. 
Dark Sheik: You mean, you don’t suspect me of misleading you? 
Super64: Of course not! I know for a fact that you’d never lead me astray. You’re my friend, and friends don’t do that to each other. Especially, not right now. Anyway, thanks for the help! I hope I can see you some other time, friend! 
(Super64 begins walking towards the Trap Portal as the screen focuses on Dark Sheik)
Narrator: And it was that day that the assailant felt something deep inside, and experienced a slew of profound, eternal emotions that changed her forever. Which, unfortunately cannot be seen because she is being depicted as an emotionless video game character. None the less, she felt them. And saw a sudden change of heart. 
Dark Sheik: Wait, don’t go in! 
Super64: What, now? 
Dark Sheik: You’re in terrible danger! 
Super64: What are you talking about? 
Dark Sheik: Stepping into that hole will make you fall perpetually. 
Super64: Gasp! Why would you lead me here then?! 
Dark Sheik: Because, it’s a trap. It’s all a trap! Look, trust me; you have to leave this place! 
Super64: …Who are you? 
Dark Sheik: Uhh, I can’t do this anymore. (Transforms into blue Zelda) I’m Princess H. 
(The sign says, “Username: Princess H”.)
Narrator: This is Princess H! 
(Princess H turns towards the camera.)
Princess H: Yeah, I just said that. 
Narrator: Hey! You’re not supposed to interrupt me! I’m the narrator! 
Princess H: I think it’s a little redundant to announce it a second time. 
Narrator: How dare you! Don’t you know who I am?! 
Princess H: Nobody cares about the Narrator! 
Narrator: Everybody cares about the Narrator! 
(Princess H and the Narrator begin to argue.)
Princess H: (simultaneously) Why don't you get off of your high horse for like, two minutes and consider that we can get along just fine without you?! You're not even funny! You spoil every single line! I bet you're not even a real character! You're nothing! I bet you don't even own this game! 
Narrator: (simultaneously) What would the story be without a Narrator?! A bunch of text, that’s what! Would you really want to watch text? You don’t of maybe you do! I don’t care, I’m the narrator! 
(Super64 begins to leave.)
Princess H: (to Super64) Wait! Alright, I’ll explain. I was hired to get you to jump in that hole. Doing so will render you incapable of using your mod powers. 
Super64: Who would hire you to do that? 
Princess H: His username is Girem6.  Actually, he hired a lot of people to find you. That’s why you’re in danger. You see, Super64, you have a bounty on your head. 
Super64: (to himself) Well at least I’ll smell clean… (to Princess H) What made you stop? 
Princess H: I-I just can’t do this, anymore. Seeing how trusting you were made me realize, that this wasn’t really what I wanted to be. All I ever do is take down other players for my personal gain. I mean, the money’s good, but, it just doesn’t seem right. This kind of thing isn’t what Brawl was meant for. I mean, you understand right? 
Super64: I wasn’t listening. In any case, I need to find a way to dodge these bounty hunters. 
Princess H: It’s impossible! They’re everywhere! You’ll have to take out Girem6 directly. And I think I know just how to do it! 
(screen fades to black)
Super64: How? 
Princess H: I’ll tell you, right after I finish pausing dramatically. 
(short pause)
Super64: Are you done yet? 
Princess H: (interrupting) NO, SHUT UP!!! 
(scene shifts to 1337f0x and Lamp trapped in a cage guarded by a Dark Pit player)
Narrator: Meanwhile, at Girem6’s holding cell. 
1337f0x: (groans) You’ll never get away with this! Someone will find us eventually! 
Lamp: In bed. 
1337f0x: (to Lamp) Stop saying that! 
Dark Pit guard: I don’t understand why you don’t just log out. 
1337f0x: Hey, that’s actually a good idea. So long, suckers! 
(1337f0x disappears but the reappears, still trapped inside the cage)
Dark Pit guard: Oh yeah, that’s right! Because when you log back in, you’re still in the cage! Ha-ha-ha-ha! (sighs) I am so clever. (begins to walk away) I deserve a snack. 
1337f0x: Aw, were never going to escape. All hope is to lost. 
Lamp: Don’t worry, thirteen thirty-seven F-Zero X. I remember being told how to get out of situations like this. 
(Cuts to a flashback with Lamp talking to a golden-textured Ganondorf in Bridge of Eldin)
King: Lamp, listen carefully. One day, you’re going to be stuck inside a cage, with a furry. And it’s important you know how to escape. 
Lamp: This sounds important, and I know that because you said just it was. I think I should listen to the words that you’re saying, so I can gain the ability to use them in the future. How do I escape, your highness? 
King: Well, first you’ll need to-PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! PUNCH HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN AND YOU’LL BE FREE FOREVER!!! 
Lamp: That sounds like a great idea! (flashback ends) Yes, yes it does. 
(Lamp punches 1337f0x)
1337f0x: Well, that solved nothing. 
Lamp: You’re right. Better try it a few more times. 
(Lamp punches 1337f0x 4 more times)
1337f0x: Hey! Knock it off! I think I know a plan that will actually work. Do you know how to change your costume? 
(Logo appears saying "Machinima.com Original".)
Category:Transcript pages