Episode 203: Milton Berle/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 203: Milton Berle.
== Cold open ==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on door.
Scooter 	Milton Berle. Twenty seconds to curtain. Stand by for makeup.
Milton Berle 	Stand by for what?
Timmy Monster	Makeup!
 	Timmy Monster whacks Milton with a gigantic powder puff.
 	
== Theme ==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Milton Berle!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler	Another show, another headache.
 	
 	Water squirts out of Gonzo's trumpet.
== Opening number ==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and here we go again with another edition of The Muppet Show. Tonight's a special one for us because our guest star is one of the truly great comedians, Milton Berle. Mm-hmm. So now, for tonight's opening number, here he is, one of the beautiful people.
 	
 	The Muppet Monsters sing "Ugly Song." A few Frackles and Mean Mama sing the praises of such ugly creatures as the crocodile and the warthog.
Waldorf	Eh, there's something wrong with this hearing aid.
Statler	What's wrong?
Waldorf	I can't hear with it.
 	Waldorf accidentally knocks it off the balcony.
Statler	Oh. No wonder. It's too far away.
 	Statler laughs, and Waldorf punches him in the face.
== Backstage ==
 	The monsters from "Ugly Song" exit the stage.
Kermit	OK, beautiful opening number. Beautiful. Very pretty, very pretty. Uh... or pretty ugly... uh, anyhow.
 	Kermit sees a lump of fabric by the wall and approaches it.
Kermit	What is that?
 	
 	The lump turns around. It's Fozzie, holding a green mask on a stick.
Fozzie	Shh!
Kermit	Fozzie!
Fozzie	Yeah.
Kermit	What are you doing?
Fozzie	I'm hiding from Milton Berle.
Kermit	Hiding from Milton Berle? But he's your idol. Don't you want to meet him?
Fozzie	Meet him? Why do you think I'm hiding, Kermit? What could this lowly bear say to the king of comics?
Kermit	How about "hello"?
Fozzie	Hello? I just couldn't say "hello." No, I'd have to make a little speech and grovel a lot.
Kermit	Uh, whatever you say, but, uh, I think there's one thing you should know about Milton Berle.
Fozzie	What?
Kermit	He's coming down the stairs.
Fozzie	Aaah!
 	Fozzie drops his disguise and runs away. Milton Berle indeed comes down the stairs.
Kermit	Hi there, Milton. You ready for your monologue?
Milton	All ready.
Kermit	OK. I'm gonna go introduce you.
Milton	Thank you very much.
 	
 	Kermit exits and Gonzo enters.
Gonzo 	Hey, Uncle Miltie, I hope you really knock 'em dead out there.
Milton	Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.
Gonzo 	I'm not. I'm worried about you. (leaves)
Milton	How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage and I'm in trouble.
== Milton's monologue ==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	In the golden age of television, our guest star earned the title of "Mr. Television," and he deserves it to this day. Here he is, the incomparable Milton Berle!
 	The curtains open and Milton enters.
Milton 	Thank you. Thank you, thank you and good evening. Uh, and I wanna thank you, Kermit, thank you for your wonderful introduction. First time I've ever been introduced by an amphibious emcee. Because you know what "amphibious" means... it means he can be dull on land or water.
I feel great. I really, I feel wonderful. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I really did. And while I was there...
Statler and Waldorf	Funny! Funny! Funny!
 	
Milton 	Oh-ho, oh-ho! I heard about them. It's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you? There they are, ladies and gentlemen. Get a good look at 'em. Starsky and Crutch. Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't start with me.
Statler 	Hey! Hey, Berle!
Milton 	What?
Statler 	You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton 	Really?
Statler 	You work like Gregory Peck!
Milton 	Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Statler 	Well...
Milton 	Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf 	How come we got this half?
Milton 	Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?
Statler 	That's right.
Milton 	What's right?
Statler 	We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Milton 	Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
Waldorf 	You first!
Milton 	(mock laughing) Ha ha ha, the audience. Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight. Let me tell this story...
Statler 	Hey, Berle!
Milton 	(groans) Yes, what is it? What is it?
Statler 	You know what you're doing wrong?
Milton 	What am I doing wrong?
Statler 	You're standing too close to the audience.
Milton 	Oh, I am? Well... how's this? (takes a step back)
Statler 	You're still too close.
Milton 	Oh, I'm sorry. Is this OK? (takes another step)
Statler 	A little more.
Milton 	How far back do you want me to go?
Statler 	You got a car? (Waldorf laughs)
Milton 	Let me tell you something, if you don't stop I'll have the usher throw you out.
Waldorf 	He can't, he's too busy.
Milton 	Doing what?
Waldorf 	Keeping people in! (He and Statler crack up, as does the audience.)
Milton 	(to the audience) And you're encouraging him! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf 	Please, not while I'm holding it. (They chuckle to each other)
Milton 	(chuckles) That's pretty funny.
Waldorf 	Ah, you can use it.
Milton 	... You can use it. I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler 	Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?
Milton 	Gentlemen, would you please? Would you take it easy? Do you think I'm doing this for fun?
Statler 	Not so far.
Milton 	I've... Oh, I see. You think you can do better?
Statler 	I couldn't do worse.
Milton 	Alright. OK. I dare you both to come down here and entertain.
Waldorf 	Eh, we should.
Milton 	Oh yeah? You sing?
Waldorf 	No.
Milton 	Do you dance?
Statler 	No.
Milton 	Can you get laughs?
Waldorf 	No.
Milton 	Then what would do you?
Waldorf 	Just what you're doing. (They and the audience laugh.)
Milton 	OK, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna call the police.
Statler 	Good idea. You need all the protection you can get.
Milton 	(to the laughing audience) Don't! (to Statler and Waldorf) I've had it with you guys. I'm not going to put up with you anymore... anymore. Not anymore.
 	
 	Gonzo enters the stage.
Gonzo 	Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
Milton 	Oh, I'm gonna start with you now? How's it going? It's going terribly. It's going... These guys have been picking on me, insulting me ever since I started.
Gonzo 	Well, can I help you out?
Milton 	Please, huh?
Gonzo 	Which way did you come in?
Milton 	I would... (realizes what Gonzo said, grabs Gonzo's nose and yanks him offstage) Get out of here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go again.
== Muppet News Flash ==
 	
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. Dateline, London. The will of the late Mary Crandall, which has been bitterly contested by her son Charles and her cat Cuteypie, was settled today. A special court has ruled Charles is the sole heir and he will be awarded the entire estate... ten thousand rubber mice.
== Pigs in Space ==
Announcer 	And now... Pigs... in... Space! Featuring the master of the Swinetrek, the intrepid and well-fed Link Hogthrob. And his first mate and second in command, the very cute and extremely dangerous Miss Piggy. And the super brain behind this whole ghastly mistake, the inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork. As you recall, last week the spaceship Swinetrek was on a suicidal collision course with a mysterious celestial object.
 	Shot of said object, then of the crew.
Link 	It's coming straight at us but I can't tell what it is.
Piggy 	It looks like the headlight on a motorcycle.
Link 	We know what it looks like, we want to know what it is!
Piggy 	Testy, testy, mon capitain.
Link 	Doc, would you look this thing up in your book?
 	Strangepork does so.
Strangepork	Mm-hmm. Ah, yes, yes.... No, no. It's not listed here under any known objects.
Link 	Look under unknown objects.
Piggy 	How could it be in that book if it's unknown?
Link 	There are some things even pigs don't know.
Piggy 	Oh, brother.
Link 	Doc, how long before we collide with this thing?
Strangepork	Exactly 17 hours.
Link 	Good. (to Piggy) Now that's the kind of man I like to have on my crew.
Piggy 	(mocking) La-di-da.
Strangepork	Excuse me, captain, it's not exactly 17 hours.
Link 	No?
Strangepork	No. It's 17 seconds. I have trouble with those little decimals.
Link 	17 seconds...
Piggy 	Nice going, Doc.
Link 	Prepare for collision!
Strangepork	Oh! (grunts)
 	The pigs go to their seats. Cut back to the mysterious object, which is, in fact, Gonzo riding on a motorcycle.
Link 	It... It was a motorcycle!
Piggy 	I told you that at the beginning of this dumb sketch!
 	Link leaves the bridge. He stands in the doorway.
Link 	Lucky guess. Anyway... I got us out of that tight pinch.
 	
 	The doors slam closed on his snout. Piggy and Strangepork laugh hysterically.
Strangepork	Stuck pig alarm! Stuck pig alarm!
Announcer 	Tune in next week for last week's chapter of... Pigs in Space!
== Backstage ==
 	Fozzie is sulking around the backstage door.
Fozzie	Uh, this is a good place to hide from Milton Berle. (sigh) Gee, I never realized how funny he really is, in relation to certain bears I could mention.
 	
 	Fozzie lifts up the panel on the door and peeks through.
Fozzie	I think I'll just stay here until the end of the show.
 	The panel falls down on his nose. Fozzie groans in pain. Enter Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, hey, Fozzie, that won't work. We already used that joke on Pigs in Space.
== "The Entertainer" ==
 	Rowlf is softly playing "The Entertainer." Milton Berle enters.
 	
Milton	The Entertainer, right?
Rowlf 	Yep. That's the name of the song.
Milton	You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.
Rowlf 	Yeah, that's true.
Milton	You know what they're about?
Rowlf 	Hmm?
Milton	They're about... the stars and the performers and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of vaudeville.
Rowlf 	Hey, you used to be in vaudeville, didn't you?
Milton	Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.
Rowlf 	Yeah. How many performances did you do in vaudeville?
Milton	Oh, I'd say between eighty thousand and one hundred thousand.
Rowlf 	Wow. You were really The Entertainer, weren't you?
Milton	One of them, yeah. One of them. Many, many fond memories.
 	Milton speaks the lyrics to the song as Rowlf continues to play. More Muppets join him and pick up the tempo after the first verse. Milton finishes the song the way he started it.
== UK Spot: "The Entertainer" ==
 	Rowlf is sitting at his piano. Piggy enters.
 	
Piggy	Rowlfie? Would you play that song again for moi?
Rowlf	Sure.
 	Rowlf plays and Piggy sings "The Entertainer" again, with female pronouns.
Piggy	Put somethin' in it, Rowlf!
 	Piggy dances.
Rowlf	She's a born ham. Hubba hubba!
 	Piggy resumes singing.
Rowlf	Oh yeah!
 	Piggy joins Rowlf at the piano.
Rowlf	Don't hog the piano.
 	Piggy splays herself on the keys and shakes her chest. Rowlf covers his eyes. Piggy gets up to finish the song.
Rowlf	Makin' the bacon. There we go, bringing home the pork!
 	Piggy and Rowlf finish the song disheveled and winded.
== Backstage ==
 	Fozzie is wearing a big fake nose and beard. Scooter comes by, humming, then turns around when he sees Fozzie.
 	
Scooter	What's this?
Fozzie 	What does it look like, small boy I have never seen before?
Scooter	Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying to hide from Milton Berle.
Fozzie 	You have penetrated my disguise.
 	Fozzie removes his fake nose and sulks to the stairs.
Scooter	Oh, Fozzie. Fozzie, why don't you just go up to Milton Berle and introduce yourself?
Fozzie 	Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!
Scooter	Well, I see your point. Milton's monologue was terrific.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Scooter	As a matter of fact, he's much funnier than you are. Now if you really want to know the truth...
Fozzie 	I don't, I don't! What's wrong with old-fashioned lying?
Scooter	Oh Fozzie, you look upset.
Fozzie 	I am, Scooter. I wish I could go lie down.
Scooter	Well, what's stopping you?
Fozzie 	You're standing on my beard.
Scooter	Oh. Sorry.
 	Scooter steps off. Fozzie falls over.
Fozzie 	Aaah!
== "Who?" ==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, straight from a three-month engagement at the Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society, here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.
 	
 	Zelda Rose and her Singing Owl perform "Who?"
== Backstage ==
 	Kermit is at his desk. Fozzie pops out from under it.
Kermit	Oh, Fozzie!
Fozzie	Shh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit	Hey Fozzie, you know, this is your last chance to meet Milton Berle.
Fozzie	Kermit, I keep telling you I just can't. I wouldn't know what to say to him.
Kermit	Yeah, well, uh, here he comes.
Fozzie	Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide! Please don't tell him where I am!
Kermit	OK, whatever you say.
 	Milton enters. Fozzie hides behind a basket as Kermit and Milton talk.
Milton	Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?
Kermit	Oh, uh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should mention it, he's...
Milton	Where is he?
Kermit	He's, uh... He's in Death Valley.
Milton	Death Valley?
Kermit	Yep. Death Valley.
Milton	What's he doing in Death Valley?
Kermit	Uh, well, he's, uh... Uh, he's, um... gathering material for his act.
Milton	I've seen his act. He can use it. No, I'm kidding. You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.
 	Fozzie is cowering until this point, at which he immediately pops up and reveals himself.
 	
Fozzie	Hi there!
Kermit	Fozzie! Back so soon?
Fozzie	Uh... Yes, Kermit!
Kermit	How was Death Valley?
Fozzie	Uh... hot! Hot, and that's funny. Nope. Nope, uh, too hot to be funny in Death Valley.
Kermit	Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his way out of things. (leaves)
 	Fozzie starts to go after Kermit, but Milton gets his attention.
Fozzie	Yes sir, yes sir?
Milton	I was just telling Kermit that I've always wanted to do a song and dance with you.
Fozzie	You? You? A song and dance with me? You, the king of the baggy pants comics? You, the... the... (stammers)
Milton	How about, uh, Top Banana?
Fozzie	What?
Milton	Top Banana.
Fozzie	Listen, Mr. Berle, if you want me to call you a banana I'll do it. I'll call you a Brussels sprout, a plum... whatever, I'll do it!
Milton	No, no, no, kid. You see, top banana is what they call the head comic back in the days of burlesque.
Fozzie	Ohh!
Milton	Let me tell you something.
 	Fozzie settles in. Milton puts an arm around him.
Milton	Are you listening, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Oh, yes yes yes!
 	Milton speaks the lyrics of the first verse of "Top Banana." Fozzie listens enrapt.
Milton	Come on, Fozzie. Follow me, huh? Come on.
 	Milton leads Fozzie to the stage.
== "Top Banana" ==
 	Milton, dressed as a clown, and Fozzie sing "Top Banana," performing vaudeville schtick in the middle.
 	
 	Milton enters with a crate.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
Milton	I'm taking my case to court.
 	
 	Fozzie enters looking in a handheld mirror.
Fozzie	Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!
Milton	Oh no, what's the matter, my good man? What's the matter?
Fozzie	Who is this? Who is this?
Milton	(takes the mirror) Why, it's me!
Fozzie	Oh, good, I thought it was me.
Milton	(grumbling incoherently)
 	Milton enters with the crate and a ladder, whistling.
Fozzie	Hey, hey! Now where you going?
Milton	I'm taking my case to a higher court. (groans)
 	Fozzie and Milton both enter.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, now where you going, Sam?
Milton	Sam? (snorts) How... how... how did you know? How did you know...? (to audience) Have you heard it, folks? (back to Fozzie) How'd you know my name was... How'd you know my... Will you wait till I tell it, folks, please? How'd you know my name was Sam?
Fozzie	I guessed it.
Milton	Then guess where I'm going.
 	Milton enters with a coat hanger, sobbing.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, hey, hey, what happened in court?
Milton	You wanna know? Stop the music.
 	The music stops.
Milton	Do we have to do this joke?
Fozzie	We gotta do it.
Milton	(groans) It's an oldie, pal.
Fozzie	I know, I know. Do it.
Milton	You've got a lot of guts, pal, I'll tell you that.
Fozzie	Go, go. Do it.
Milton	Well, feed me once more, please. Feed me, feed me.
Fozzie	Oh. Uh. Hey, what happened in court?
Milton	Are you ready?... I lost the suit.
 	Milton and Fozzie finish singing "Top Banana."
== Goodnights ==
 	Kermit is on the main stage.
Kermit 	Well, we've reached the end of another one, folks. Let's have a big round of applause for Mr. Milton Berle!
 	Milton comes onstage with Fozzie.
 	
Milton 	Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
Kermit 	Fozzie, what are you doing out here?
Fozzie 	Oh, Kermit, Milton and I are the best of friends now, right, Uncle Miltie?
Kermit 	That's right, that's right.
Fozzie 	Yeah. From now on, I can see it, it's the Bear and the Berle!
Milton 	(chuckles) Wrong. It's the Berle and the Bear.
Fozzie 	Yes, O master of mine. Grovel, grovel.
Milton 	Remember that, "grovel, grovel." OK.
Kermit 	And we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Fozzie and Kermit, plus Zelda Rose, Gonzo, Beautiful Day Monster, and Link surround Milton as the credits roll.
Waldorf	Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.
Statler	Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working.
Waldorf	Huh?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts