Aceblanca

Aceblanca is the fourth episode of the first season of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[Episode begins with Polar and Primitive taking a walk.]
Polar: Ah, it's such a beautiful day, Primitive.
Primitive: It sure is, Polar. And where is Garviel?
Polar: No idea.
[Ace approaches them]
Ace: Oh, uh, hey guys.
Polar: Oh… hi.
[awkward silence as they continue walking]
Primitive: [cough] I, uh, just need to use the restroom.
[Primitive walks off]
Polar: [sigh] What do you want, Ace?
Ace: Well, it's just uh… you remember when we went to the theater together?
Polar: I mean we didn't really go "together", you just sat next to me.
[pause]
Polar: And then started kissing me.
Ace: Yeah. Good times, right?
Polar: Good times?! I'm still having therapy for it…
[Flashback to Polar's therapy]
CrazySponge: so when did it all begin
Polar: At your musical.
CrazySponge: i see. we get this one a lot.
[cut to CrazySponge talking to another therapist outside the room]
CrazySponge: the guy's mental.
[end of flashback]
Ace: Well, I was thinking we could put all that in the past. Why don't we start a new leaf?
Polar: I… guess. Just don't forcibly kiss me again.
[Polar walks off.]
Ace: Yes!
[Primitive approaches Polar.]
Polar: Why the hell did you walk off like that?
Primitive: You know, giving you some alone time with [in a suggestive tone] Ace. [smirks] So what did he want, anyway?
Polar: Code red.
Primitive: Oh shit.
[theme song]
Look at that sun, look at that sky,
Look at my sweater vest, it looks so fly!
Look at that mailbox, look at that tree,
It's about as beautiful as it can be!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Today is gonna be exceptional!
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
(We're all living in it)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
[Cut to several users sitting at a bar.]
Waiter: And what could I get for you, son?
CrazySponge: oh, just the usual.
Waiter: I got it.
Matchy: Hey, Aidan.
CrazySponge: hey, liz
Matchy: What you doing here?
CrazySponge: oh, you know. drowning my sorrows.
[Matchy spits out her drink.]
Matchy: [smirking] What now?
CrazySponge: hoopla's been getting a lot of bad reviews recently. and that musical was a massive flop.
Matchy: Dude, you're the richest guy on the block.
CrazySponge: doesn't feel like it. i've got a job as a therapist so i feel like im doing something.
Matchy: How's that going?
CrazySponge: well, when all my clients are seeking therapy for the musical there's not much i can do. i didn't even know therapists could get reviews! i don't like being surrounded with all this negativity.
Matchy: Oh.
[The waiter passes CrazySponge his drink.]
Waiter: Here you g-
[CrazySponge slams the drink on the counter, smashing the glass.]
CrazySponge: there should be a crowd screaming my name! my shit is great! YOU HEAR ME, MATCHY?! MY SHIT IS GREAT!
[exterior shot]
CrazySponge: [off-screen] MY SHIT IS GREAT!!!!
[cut back inside, pause]
Waiter: You're gonna have to pay for tha-
CrazySponge: put it on my tab
Waiter: You don't have a tab-
CrazySponge: then make one.
[The waiter walks off.]
Matchy: Crazy, this is the World of SBFW. If you want a crowd screaming your name, then bob's your uncle!
CrazySponge: that's it! i'll make a crowd screaming my name! then everyone will see how great i am!
Matchy: Okay, now that you are saying it, that sounds pretty messed-
[Ace enters.]
Ace: Hey guys!
Matchy: [She looks at Ace's pants] Someone's happy.
[Ace sits next to them.]
Ace: Yep.
CrazySponge: you broke your days with cancelling a spin-off record?
Ace: That, my friends, was a past life. I'm a new man.
[Matchy spits out her drink again.]
CrazySponge: yknow if you spit out some milk apparently it looks like seme-
Matchy: A- a new man?
Ace: Yup. I got a date.
[Matchy spits out her drink for the third time]
CrazySponge: you've spit out your drink more times than ace has cancelled one of his spin-offs!
Matchy: Crazy, I think my drink's been spiked.
CrazySponge: that's lemonade.
Matchy: What did he just say?
Ace: Uh, that I've got a date?
[Matchy spits out her drink yet again.]
CrazySponge: and that's how you break the rule of three. waiter! can someone wipe over this counter please!
Matchy: W- with who?
Ace: Polar.
[Matchy spits out the fucking drink again]
CrazySponge: you know what? [He takes Matchy's drink and smashes it] there. that's what you get for breaking the rule of thr-
Waiter: Right, that's it! You're all banned!
Ace: What the FU-
[cut to the three standing outside in the rain]
Matchy: [laughing] Oh, Ace! This is funnier than the time Rick turned himself into a pickle!
Ace: I'm dead serious, FireMatch.
Matchy: Uhh… call me Matchy.
[Primitive appears with a Garviel umbrella]
Primitive: Hey, guys. Why are you just standing out in the rain?
Matchy: CrazySponge.
Primitive: Oh.
[pause]
Primitive: Hey, Ace.
Ace: Hey. Have you seen Polar recently?
Primitive: I spotted her near the Garviel Fan Club, but that's about it.
Ace: Ah, thanks PrimitiveSponge129.
Primitive: Uhh… call me Primitive.
[Ace races off.]
Primitive: Odd fellow.
[cut to Ace running towards the Garviel Fan Club. He runs past a booth selling merch but quickly runs back.]
Ace: I'll take one of everything.
[The cashier passes him a heap of Garviel merch, and is thrown back a bag of money.]
Ace: Thanks.
[Ace runs off again.]
Cashier: Thank you for your patronage!
[The cashier takes its mask off, revealing him to be Primitive.]
Primitive: Sucker.
[Cut to Polar drinking beer]
Polar: I shouldn't be drinking this. But this is The World of SBFW, who fuckin' cares?
[Joey approaches her]
Joey: Speaking of The World of SBFW, can I be in it?
Polar: Mmmm… no.
Joey: Awww…
[Joey walks off. Polar turns to the audience.]
Polar: Well, we've fulfilled our quota.
[Ace walks over to Polar]
Ace: Heya.
Polar: Well, well. If it ain't the Blue Wolfe.
Ace: [smug] The one and only. I thought I'd catch you at a place like this.
Polar: You trying to say I'm an alcoholic?
Ace: Well, uh… no, Primitive sent me here. Well, he sent me to the Garviel Fan Club instead but I mean I found you anyway.
Polar: Uh huh. [holds up a Temmie plush] Wanna buy some PI merch?
Ace: Okay!
[Ace pays Polar for the plush]
Ace: Thanks.
Polar: No problem.
[silence]
Ace: So… what now?
Polar: What do you mean "what now"?
Ace: What now as in what do we do now?
Polar: What do you mean "what do we do now"?
Ace: What do we do now as in what are we going to do next together?
[Ace intensely stares at Polar as she processes this.]
Polar: I think the bigger question is who are going to next together?
[she leans on for a kiss. the camera zooms out of Ace's imagination]
Polar: Sorry, Ace, what were you saying?
Ace: Oh, uh… I was just, uh… thinking we could go get some… food. Together. The two of us. Together. Eating food. Somewhere.
Polar: Well, I mean… I am pretty hungry… for sex.
[she leans in for another kiss. the camera zooms out of Ace's imagination, again]
Polar: So are we gonna go somewhere or what?
[pause]
Ace: Oh, sure.
[Cut to a restaurant called 'Steamed Hams']
Ace: Well, Polar, I hope you're prepared for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Polar: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Ace: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. It's even the name of the restaurant. [showing her the menu] See?
Polar: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Ace: Yes. It's a regional dialect.
[a waiter approaches the table with two plates of hamburgers]
Waiter: Here you go boys.
Polar: Um, I'm a girl.
Waiter: Sure.
[they leave the plates and walk off]
Polar: Uh, what region?
Ace: Uh, Upstate New York.
Polar: I see. Americans are weird. I'm British.
Ace: [pretends to laugh] Heh-heh, yeah. [forces an arm swing] Those darn Americans! Heh-heh.
Polar: Uh… aren't you American?
Ace: Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- [sighs] yeah.
Polar: I see.
[They proceed to eat the steamed hams]
Polar: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Ace: Oh ho ho, no. Patented BlueWolfe burgers, old family recipe.
Polar: A family recipe? I thought this was a restaurant.
Ace: Well, uh-
Polar: Ace, did you make this restaurant just for this occasion?
Ace: [blushing] Perhaps.
Polar: I can't tell what's going on here. Was that a non-answer or an obvious hint?
Ace: ...maybe.
[pause]
Polar: Okay, this is getting weird. Is this supposed to be a date or something?
Ace: Possibly.
[He plays footsie under the table as we cut to CrazySponge and Matchy in the BP office.]
Matchy: Uh, Aidan?
CrazySponge: yes?
Matchy: What the hell is going on outside?!
[cut to a crowd gathered around the building screaming CrazySponge's name]
CrazySponge: oh, do you remember that subplot we set up earlier?
Matchy: No- oh.
CrazySponge: yeah they're my fans.
[He opens a window]
CrazySponge: DO YOU LIKE MY SPIN-OFFS?
[The crowd cheers. He turns to Matchy]
CrazySponge: with this power i can rule SBFW! no more stupid duck, only me! CRAZYSPONGE!
Matchy: CrazySponge, this is a bad idea
CrazySponge: it was your idea.
Matchy: Oh y- WAIT DID YOU SAY YOU WANT TO RULE SBFW?
CrazySponge: well yeah what's wrong with that
Matchy: You're insane!
CrazySponge: nah, im crazy.
[silence]
Matchy: Isn't Polar supposed to be hysterically laughing at that?
CrazySponge: i think ace has dragged her into something, remember?
Matchy: Oh. But seriously, you can't do this!
CrazySponge: oh i can, and i will!
[He turns back to the window again]
CrazySponge: TO ALL OF MY LOVING ADORING FANS, GO DESTROY JASBRE CORP'S BUILDING!
[The crowd cheers as they run off]
CrazySponge: they'll do anything i desire! THE CRAZYSPONGE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!
[Cut to Jasbre Corp's building. Jasbre is sipping a cup of coffee]
Jasbre: I love being me.
[The crowd's stampeding footsteps are heard]
Jasbre: Hm? What's that noise?
Bugs Bunny: Sounds like a lot of-
Jasbre: Hoopla.
Bugs Bunny: Yes, that's what I was going to-
Jasbre: No, look! Hoopla!
[they look out the window to see the army approaching the building]
Jasbre: [in a similar to "Dinkleberg!'] CrazySponge!!
[pause]
Jasbre: Wait a minute, didn't we already do this a couple of episodes ag-
[cut to the crowd carrying Jasbre out of the building and throwing him on the floor]
Jasbre: oof
Crowd: [chanting] CrazySponge! CrazySponge! CrazySponge!
CrazySponge: what's my name?
Crowd: CrazySponge!
CrazySponge: louder!
Crowd: CrazySponge!
CrazySponge: that's right! im the best!
Jasbre: Heinz, good ol' heinzy heinz. What in the name of fuck are you doing?
CrazySponge: o, these are my fans.
Jasbre: Did- did you make them?
CrazySponge: maybe.
Jasbre: That's- that's actually quite sad really.
CrazySponge: not really, i ordered them to destroy your tower.
Jasbre: YOU WHA-
[The Jasbre Corp tower blows up.]
Jasbre: Pfff.. welp.
CrazySponge: now, my loving fans. bring me that duck… and cook him.
Jasbre: WHAT THE FUCK? HEINZ?!
[The crowd picks up Jasbre again, and attempt to cook him in a big pot]
Jasbre: Put me down this instant!
CrazySponge: i'm sorry crazysponge can't come to the phone right now. pls leave a message after the beep. NOW BURN HIM!
[The crowd drops Jasbre in the pot. CrazySponge just stands there in shock.]
CrazySponge: huh that actually worked. GOOD JOB COMRADES! WE'RE HAVING DUCK FOR DINNER!
[The crowd cheers. Jasbre emerges from the pot]
Jasbre: Nice try, heinz. [A bazooka materialises into his hands] NOW FACE MY WRATH!
CrazySponge: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
[We see a huge explosion as we cut back to Ace and Polar]
Polar: Erm… what are you doing?
Ace: Oh, you know. Stretching my legs.
Polar: In a restaurant? Sitting... down?
Ace: Stretching my legs under the table!
Polar: [looking under the table] It just looks like you're just nervously twitching or something.
Ace: Y'know what? Heh… let's get out of this dump and head on over to my house!
Polar: ...why am I scared.
[Cut to Ace's house]
Ace: Welcome to my house, Polar! Let me give you the grand tour.
Polar: Ace why is there a giant poster of me in your living room?
Ace: Inspiration. Let's start with my bedroom. With my bed. Bedroom. Room with bed.
[They enter Ace's bedroom. Polar awkwardly tries to keep her distance from Ace.]
Polar: Why does this feel like the opening to a porno?
Ace: Here we are: my mancave. Or wolfecave, I guess. [forces a laugh] That's funny, right?
Polar: No.
[Ace awkwardly looks at Polar.]
Ace: Uh, yeah. You should feel my bed. It's fluffy.
Polar: Ace, have you ever read "I Had Sex With a Robot"?
Ace: Uh…
Polar: What I'm trying to say is-
Ace: Yeah, but if you just give the bed a try-
Polar: But I don't-
Ace: I really think-
Polar: Well I-
Ace: But-
Polar: I'm just thinking of the-
[Ace throws himself on his bed.]
Ace: It's nice and comfy.
Polar: But Ace-
Ace: Come on! Try it!
Polar: But-
Ace: I dare ya!
Polar: But-
Ace: Do it!
Polar: Okay, okay. If you would just SHUT UP, I'll feel your bed.
Ace: Deal.
[Polar touches the bed]
Polar: Yep. Fluffy. Now if you'll excuse me-
[CrazySponge bursts in and slams the door shut.]
CrazySponge: THEY'RE AFTER ME!
Ace: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING-
CrazySponge: [grins] were you two about to-
Polar and Ace: No.
[pause]
CrazySponge: well alrighty then.
Ace: What were you just saying?
CrazySponge: oh yeah… AAAAAHHHH!!!
Polar: Aidan, what's happening?
CrazySponge: okay so in the beginning of the episode i set up this sub-plot because nobody just wants to hear ace's lousy attempts at fucking polar-
Ace: Could you not?
Polar: Oh, Aidan.
CrazySponge: anyway… i then materialized this crowd that would do anything i desired-
Polar: Oh, Aidan.
CrazySponge: -but they got TOO into me and then here we are.
Polar: Oh, Aidan. Aidan Aidan Aidan Aidan…
CrazySponge: WHAT?
Polar: You're practically a magnet for this sort of thing. You see, these things may sound good on paper, but-
[Jasbre bursts in with a bazooka. The crowd is heard in the background.]
Ace: GOOD EGADS, MY DATE IS RUINED!
Jasbre: They're too strong, heinz. [looks at Polar and Ace] Were you two-
Polar and Ace: No.
Jasbre: Okay. Anyway, can't we just avoid this problem by… un-thinking of the crowd?
CrazySponge: [chuckles] o, jasbre, that's too simple and convenient to the plot.
Jasbre: Okay, maybe if we give them something they want, they'll leave.
CrazySponge: jasbre, that's a great idea! [He throws a page of Hoopla's Super Fantastic Beach at the crowd] lookie here, everyone! new episodes!
[silence]
CrazySponge: i said "lookie here, everyone! new episodes!"
[pause]
Crowd Member: Oh my God! Is that Hoopla's Super Fantastic Beach?
Crowd Member 2: I want it!
Crowd Member 3: Maybe it's signed by my senpai?!
[They fight over the page out of the house]
CrazySponge: heh heh, they're as smart as… uh… something that isn't very smart.
Jasbre: Like you?
CrazySponge: yeah- wait what did you just say?
Jasbre: Nothing.
[transition to them leaving Ace's house]
Polar: Well, Ace, you are an odd fellow but I must say, you steam a good ham.
CrazySponge: im just glad everything is taken care of.
Jasbre: Ahem, my building is still destroyed.
CrazySponge: it'll be fine by the next episode.
Jasbre: Yeah, go fix it, heinz.
CrazySponge: make me!
[The police show up.]
Primitive: Mr. Aidan "CrazySponge" Lastname? You are hereby under arrest and sentenced to the community service of rebuilding Jabababa Corp.'s tower.
CrazySponge: but i've done nothing wrong!
Primitive: You caused damage to private property, which includes not only the tower but also a local pub.
CrazySponge: drats! foiled again!
[Jasbre smiles and waves as CrazySponge is driven off in a police car.]
Jasbre: Well, all's well that ends well, right guys?
Ace: [sad] Not for me.
Polar: What, why?
Ace: I, uh… [starts to blush] I never got to tell you that… I- I- I- I- I lov-
[the episode cuts off]
Jasbre: That's all, folks! HOO-HOO!
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