The Race To Replace Mr. Sanders

The Race To Replace Mr. Sanders is the third episode of season five, and the forty-fifth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on May 29, 2021.
== Plot ==
The Vermont Senate nominees debate each other. 
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the Bikini Bottom High School auditorium.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: This evening have the debate for Vermont’s Senate race. Our candidates are Squidward Tentacles, Democrat; Bubble Bass, Libertarian; Crystal Dave, Green; and Mr. Apple, Independent. Let’s start with you, Mr. Apple. In the Democratic primary debate, you said that you opposed conditioning Bikini Bottom military aid to Israel. Recently a new report from a top Israeli human rights group has concluded that Israel is an apartheid state. Has your position changed since then? 
Mr. Apple: Yes it has. I believe that we should condition military aid to Israel until they start killing more Palestinians. 
Mr. Bass: People talk of an “apartheid state”. The reality is, whether you’re Jewish or Palestinian, you’re not allowed to fuck children in Israel. So absolutely I support conditioning aid, until they improve their treatment of MAPs. 
Mr. Tentacles: This latest report only confirms what we already knew. Not only should we cut military aid, but we should also sanction Israel until they end their regime of ethnic cleansing and apartheid. 
Mr. Dave: ONLY sanction them?! What a sell-out! If we want true justice for the Palestinian people, we have to bomb Israel to oblivion, at a bare minimum. Maybe even nuke them. 
Mr. Tentacles: Uh...you do realize that if we bombed Israel, we’d kill all the Palestinians too? 
Mr. Dave: I’ve noticed you have a mighty big nose there, Squidward. Could that perhaps be the reason behind your Zionist shilling? 
Mr. Tentacles: I’m not a Zi-
Mr. Dave: SILENCE, ZIONIST! Tell me, how many shekels are they paying you to say this?! Huh, huh?! 
[cut to Mr. Pepperchicken] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Now this is a candidate I can get behind! 
[cut back to debate]
Mr. Apple: Wow, I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I find myself agreeing pretty heavily with Stalin’s grandson over here! These dirty Jews like Mr. Tentacles that want to take my money NEED TO BE EXTERMINATED! 
Mr. Tentacles: I’m not even Je- 
Mr. Apple: Quiet, you sick scallywag! That’s why as senator, I’ll be sure to support record weapons sales  to Israel, so they can continue arming neo-Nazis! 
Mr. Bass: You know, I have to say, I find the remarks by my opponents to be absolutely abhorrent. 
Mr. Tentacles: I agree, the racism displayed by these two is disgusting. They are not fit to even be on this debate stage, let alone hold public office! 
Mr. Bass: I wasn’t talking about that! I was talking about the fact that they want to kill so many fuckable children! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now, now, let’s stay on topic. After nearly a year, the Plague continues to rage through the nation. Mr. Biden has signed an executive order mandating masks be worn on federal property. Some have advocated extending this to Bikini Bottom at large. What do you think about such a proposal?
Mr. Tentacles: I support it, but we need to go much farther than just that. We need to provide every Bikini Bottom a citizen a mask free of charge-
Mr. Apple: FREE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU WANT TO TAKE THE MONEY I’VE EARNED SITTING AROUND ON THE COMPUTER ALL DAY WITH SCHWAB OPEN SO YOU CAN SAVE POOR PEOPLE’S LIVES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MR. TENTACLES?! YOU RADICAL COMMUNIST! WHY, YOU OUGHTA BE DROPPED FROM A HELICOPTER YOU-
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Apple, please lower your voice. Screaming increases the possibility of spreading the Plague. 
Mr. Bass: [slams fist on the table] Why, are you kidding me?! The Plague doesn’t even exist! It’s all a hoax created by Jews like Squidward so that the government can criminalize us fucking children! 
Mr. Tentacles: That was already criminalized! 
Mr. Bass: AHA! So you confess to it! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Please folks, we’re getting off topic. Next question: Homelessness has increased during the Plague - 
Mr. Bass: You mean the fake! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: - yet housing prices continue to skyrocket. As senator, what will you do to address this problem? 
Mr. Tentacles: I will advocate for national rent control, as well the construction of millions of new homes. 
Mr. Bass: RENT CONTROL?! So you want to shove all your Jewish tentacles into the private property of a landlord, enslaving them into providing lower prices for peasants?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! The only thing tentacles should be shoved into is underage Japanese girls! 
Mr. Apple: Having a home is unproductive. There are simply far too many distractions in it. Your stove, your television, and worst of all, your bed! When you’re out in the street there’s no distractions - ONLY WORK! 
Mr. Dave: Mr. Tentacles is simply offering rent control up as a neoliberal half-measure to pacify the working class. We shall not give into his tricks, we shall remain focused on dismantling capitalism! 
Mr. Tentacles: Well I agree on dismantling capitalism, but unfortunately that’s not an attainable goal at the moment. We need to implement social democratic reforms in the short term. 
Mr. Dave: Nope. 
Mr. Bass: None of this even gets into the REAL reason housing prices are skyrocketing! It’s inflation! The money changers over at the Federal Reserve- 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Next question. 
Mr. Bass: HEY! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Biden has proposed raising the minimum wage to $15. Do you support this? 
Mr. Tentacles: While that would be a step in the right direction, I’d prefer a $25 minimum wage. 
Mr. Dave: ONLY $25?! What a sell-out! The minimum wage should be $100, AT THE VERY LEAST! 
Mr. Bass: My fellow candidates have completely lost the plot. The minimum wage, just like the age of consent, should be abolished entirely. Who is the government to tell us we can’t engage in wave slavery?! 
Mr. Apple: I completely agree with Mr. Bass. Raising the minimum wage will just incentivize the unproductive fish in Bikini Bottom to waste their money on needless luxuries like beds. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Next question. An increasing number of Senators support abolishing the filibuster, while others say the filibuster protects small states. As a Senator representing one of the smallest states in the country, what is your stance on this?
Mr. Tentacles: I strongly support abolishing the filibuster. The Senate is already undemocratic as it is, but the filibuster makes it even more undemocratic.
Mr. Dave: ONLY the filibuster?! You yourself just said the Senate is undemocratic, why not abolish that as well?!
Mr. Tentacles: I never said I supported abolishing only the filibuster, and nothing else— 
Mr. Apple: I’ve heard enough. Squidward not only wants to destroy Bikini Bottom, but my small home state of Vermont as well!
Mr. Tentacles: How would I “destroy” Vermont? And this is not just your home state, it’s all of ours.
Mr. Apple: Nope. You’re a (((New Yorker))) who moved to Vermont later in life to spread communist propaganda.
Mr. Tentacles: I’ve been in Vermont for decades, and I’ve built quite a reputation here. I won the state clarinet championship last year!
Mr. Apple: Big deal. I won the state deer-fucking championship!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Guys, let’s stay on topic here—
Mr. Apple: Squidward is nothing but a filthy immigrant. He has no right to represent Vermont.
Mr. Tentacles: Unless you’re a Native Bikini Bottomite, which you’re not, everyone here is either an immigrant or a descendant of one.
Mr. Apple: I’m a purebred Vermonter who came straight from an apple orchard in the heart of this state.
Mr. Bass: Apple orchards in Vermont? The last one shut down decades ago.
Mr. Apple: Yeah. I’m old. Just so you know, I could retire right now yet that would mean lost productivity.
Mr. Bass: You’re not old! If you were, I wouldn’t have a boner pointing at you! [runs over to him] Now, before I fuck you, show me your birth certificate. My cock needs to be 100% sure you’re below the age of consent.
Mr. Apple: Nope.
Mr. Bass: Nope. [pulls out Mr. Apple’s birth certificate from his pocket] It reads, Mr. Apple, born in an apple orchard in the State of New York.
Mr. Tentacles: So, by your logic, you’re a “filthy immigrant” as well.
Mr. Apple: Nope. I’m a legal immigrant, while you’re a filthy illegal!
Mr. Bass: [reads the rest of the birth certificate] You’re only a few weeks old?!
Mr. Apple: I mean, I am an apple.
Mr. Bass: This is gonna be the fucking of a lifetime—
Mr. Chillyrooster: Nope. Get back to your podium, Mr. Bass, it’s time for the next question.
Mr. Bass: [sighs] Aw man!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Final question. Let’s not steer off topic this time. Democrats in the House have proposed sweeping election reform legislation, which would implement same day registration, independent commissions for redistricting, and felon voting. Do you support this? 
Mr. Bass: Nope. This bill would simply lead to tyranny of the majority. It’s like allowing two wolves and a sheep to vote on what to have for dinner! That’s why I support limiting the franchise to male property owners. 
Mr. Tentacles: This bill stops short of what I’d like to see, but it is a step in the right direction and so I would vote for it. 
Mr. Dave: Pft, voting doesn’t do anything! Electoralism in the imperial core will never achieve revolution. 
Mr. Tentacles: So then why are you running in an election? 
Mr. Dave: WHY DID YOU WORK WITH IBM TO FAKE THE MOON LANDING IN ORDER TO CONTROL OUR MINDS WITH PORNOGRAPHY?! 
Mr. Apple: Mr. Dave is right! Voting is unproductive. Fish should rather spend their time doing something productive, like arguing with teenagers! 
Mr. Bass: Or fucking them! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, that’s it for tonight folks. It is always nice to see a respectful debate between smart people who disagree on the issues. Hopefully our show could help you determine your candidate in this election. Until next time! 
[The TV shuts off.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fifth Season
Category:Episodes
Category:2021 Episodes