SCP-055-J

Item #: SCP-055-J
Classification:SUUUUUUPPPEEEERRRAAAWWWEEESOOOMMEEEE
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-055-J IS TO BE MADE AVAILABLE TO EVERYOOOOOONE IN THE CANTEEN AT SITE-DE19! THAT'S HOW GOOD THIS STUFF TASTES! BECAUSE OF MINOR PROPERTY DAMAGE AND NOISE COMPLAINTS MADE BY PANSIES, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TALK ABOOOOUUUUT SCP-055-J. THE ENTIRETY OF SCP-055-J IS ALSO NEVER TO BE USED COMPLETELY AT OOOOOOONCE!!
Description: SCP-055-J IS THE MOST AWESOME PIECE OF HAM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! HALF A METER LONG, QUARTER IN WIDTH AND TEN CENTIMETERS THICK, THAT'S ABOUT 12.500 CUBIC CENTIMETERS OF PURE EXCELLENCE WITH A WEIGHT OF 5 KILOGRAAAAAAMS!
THIS MASTERPIECE OF BUTCHERY CAN BE EATEN BY HUMANS WITHOUT A PROBLEM, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE GEEKS FROM THE TOXICOLOGY SAY! IT DOESN'T ROT EITHER AND YOU CAN STUFF AS MUCH IN YOUR MOUTH AS YOU WANT, SINCE THE AWESOME STUFF JUST GROWS RIGHT BACK! OH YEAH!
OTHER FOUNDATION ARTICLES ARE TRYING TO HOAX YOU WITH DRY NERD-SPEECH? SCP-055-J CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED IN ONE WAY, THE RIGHT ONE IN FACT! EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO REPORT SCP-055-J'S AWESOMENESS DOES IT AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE, AS BADASS AS POSSIBLE, AND WITH A VOICE THAT SOUNDS AS MANLY AS POSSIBLE. YES, EVEN WOMEN! EVEN PRINTED MATTER ISN'T SAFE. THE SAME SICK ASS CHOICE OF WORDS AND EVERYTHING IS IN CAPTIAL LETTEEEEEEERS! AND WITH EXCLAMATION MAAAAAAARKS!
IF ONE DESCRIBES THE GLORY OF SCP-055-J, RAD EXPLOSIONS OCCUR SPONTANEOUSLY NEAR THE PERSON DESCRIBING IT! JUST LIKE THAT! NOBODY EVEN KNOWS HOW IT HAPPENS BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY! SCP-055-J EXPLOSIONS ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!
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Uhm, a moment, please…
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One sec…
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THERE WE GO!
NO IDEA WHAT ANIMAL SCP-055-J CAME FROM, EVEN THOSE EGGHEADS AT THE GENETIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE! BUT EVERYONE IN THE FOUNDATION CAN AGREE THAT WHATEVER ANIMAL IT WAS, IT HAD TO BE PRETTY BADASS IF IT TASTES THAT NEAT! THE REAL HARDCORE BOYS AND GIRLS EAT SCP-055-J RAW, BUT THE PUSSIES CAN EAT IT HOWEVER THEY WANT! TASTES GREAT TOO, BUT NOT INCREDIBLE! THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS ARE VEGETABLES, YOU LAY 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR SANDWICH WITH SCP-055-J AND YOU GET AN EXPLOSION RIGHT IN YOUR DAMN FACE! WE BELIEVE THAT'S BECAUSE SCP-055-J SIMPLY TASTES LIKE SHIT WHEN TOGETHER WITH VEGETABLEEEEEEEES!
Addendum 055-J-1: SEVERAL PERSONS WERE ASKED TO EAT SCP-055-J. HERE ARE THEIR REACTIONS:
THIS. IS. DELICIOOOUUUUS! - Agent Straub
THIS STUFF IS SO GREAT, I THINK I JUST GREW ADDITIONAL CHEST HAAAAIIIR! - Dr. Joch
I think this ham is pretty okay. - Dr. See
DR. SEE IS CURRENTLY BEING TESTED ON ANY ANOMALIES, AS HE DIDN'T APPRECIATE SCP-055-J ENOUUUUUGH!
Addendum 055-J-2: SCP-055-J ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE EATEN AS A WHOLE AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE THEN IT MAYBE WOULDN'T REGENERATE ANYMOOOOOOORE! WE ALSO BELIEVE THAT WHEN SCP-055-J IS DESTROYED, AN EPICNESS-VACUUM IS CREATED WHICH WOULD SQUISH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! WOOOOOOUUUUUHH!