Episode 402: Crystal Gayle/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 402: Crystal Gayle.
==Cold Open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	Crystal Gayle! 15 seconds to curtain, Crystal!
Crystal	Oh, thanks, Scooter. Would you do me a favor and cue me on my lines?
Scooter	Well, sure!
 	
 	He walks over to the table and reads from the script.
Scooter	Uh, "Crystal Gayle! 15 seconds to curtain, Crystal!"
Crystal	"Thanks, Scooter. Would you do me a favor and cue me on my lines?"
Scooter	Perfect! (walks out)
Crystal	(to viewer) If it helps any, I didn't understand that either.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Crystal Gayle! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	Penguins appear in the balcony.
Waldorf	Why did you invite these penguins?
Statler	Because the aardvarks have the flu.
 	They chuckle.
 	
 	Gonzo plays as bubbles come out of his trumpet.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! We call it that because um, uh, well, we call it that because the whole show is just filled with Muppets! Uh, plus one human being. And tonight, it's a very special human being, the lovely recording artist, Miss Crystal Gayle! But first... but first, we present an old German folk song. And it's not from West Germany, it's not from East Germany, it seems to be from, uh … South Germany? Why not?
 	
 	The curtain opens on a German brewery. German penguins, pigs, dogs, a goat, and a walrus sing an oom-pah version of "Swanee".
Statler	Well, what'd you think of that number?
Waldorf	I can't talk about it.
Statler	Why not?
Waldorf	I still have relatives in Germany.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	
 	Scooter conducts a group of prairie dogs who sing "Somebody Stole My Gal".
Kermit 	Hi there, Scooter.
Scooter 	Oh, hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Hey, the Prairie Dog Glee Club really sounds good.
Scooter 	Yeah, well, they've been working really hard.
 	Kermit notices the critters carrying things around the room.
Kermit 	Yeah, they're uh … they're still working pretty hard. Scooter, what are they doing?
Scooter 	Guys, come on! Cut it out! Aww. Take five!
Prairie dog	Each?
 	The critters cheer and help themselves to what's on the table.
Scooter 	I mean, stop it! I'm sorry, Kermit, I guess they've got a little pack rat blood in 'em. They keep stealing everything.
Kermit 	Yeah, but … eh … we can't have this on the show, Scooter.
Scooter 	Yeah, I know.
Kermit 	Uh, you better talk to 'em. I gotta go introduce Crystal Gayle. (exits)
Scooter 	Okay, guys, I'm gonna count to three, and I wanna see everything just in the place it was! Okay? (covers his eyes) One … two … three!
 	He opens his eyes, and the entire area has been stripped. A door slams.
Scooter 	What the hey?
=="River Road"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay! Well, enough of this nonsense! It is sanity time here on The Muppet Show, and here is our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely miss Crystal Gayle.
 	Open on Crystal strolling down a road. She is joined by a dog, then by other runaways.
 	
Crystal 	
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road
Crystal 	
Mama said, "Listen child, you're too old to run wild
You're too big to be fishin' with the boys these days"
So I grabbed some clothes and ran
Stole five dollars from a sugar can
A twelve year old jail breaker runnin' away.
Crystal, runaways	
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.
 	She is joined by a horse, a baby, and an escaped convict.
Crystal 	
Well, I married a pretty good man and he tries to understand
But he knows I've got leavin' on my mind these days
When I get that urge to run, I'm just like a kid again
The same old jail breaker runnin' away.
Crystal, runaways	
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand
And I'm running away down River Road
And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home
I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.
 	An old lady passes.
Old lady 	You look like you're running away.
Crystal 	Sure I am.
Old lady 	Yeah. I ran away, in 1924.
Crystal 	What happened?
Old lady 	Ehh, I'm still runnin'. I sleep on the hard ground every night, haven't changed my socks since World War II. Last night for dinner, I ate a fence post.
 	Crystal turns around and heads home.
Whatnots, pigs 	
There she goes, home again, with her suitcase in her hand
No more running away down River Road.
Crystal 	
And I swear, once again, that I'm never leaving home
To go running away down River Road.
To go running away down River Road.
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	Nice song.
Statler 	Yeah. Kinda reminds me of the time I ran away from home.
Waldorf 	When was that?
Statler 	Last night. The wife was driving me crazy!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The cast of the opening number passes by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay. Nice number, guys. Very pretty, Crystal.
Scooter	Hey, boss?
Kermit 	Okay, yes?
Scooter	The Prairie Dog Glee Club's ready!
Kermit 	Oh, good. I'll schedule their number in the second half of the show.
Scooter	Good.
Kermit 	Uh, did you uh, talk to them about stealing though?
 	
Scooter	Yeah, but I think you'd better talk to 'em. I mean, after all, you are the head honcho. I think they'd listen to you.
Kermit 	Okay.
Scooter	Hey, fellas? Uh, Kermit wants to talk to you.
 	The critters gather around Kermit, and Scooter leaves.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. Uh, listen, gang, it's not nice to take other people's things. You see, that's called —
 	The critters start taking things again, clearing Kermit's desk.
Kermit 	— uh, that's called stealing and uh — uh — guys! Scooter!
Scooter	Yeah, boss?
Kermit 	They've taken everything!
Scooter	Oh, no!
 	Kermit's collar is immediately snatched off. He hides behind his desk in embarrassment.
Scooter	Gee, boss. I've never seen you naked before.
 	Kermit screams as he scurries away in fright.
==Dressing Room==
 	Crystal hears a knock on her door.
Crystal 	Who is it?
 	Beauregard enters with a piece of paper.
Beauregard	It's me, Miss Gayle, Beauregard the janitor. (he closes the door)
Crystal 	What can I do for you, Beauregard?
 	
Beauregard	Well, um … uh … (takes off his hat) Could I have your autograph?
Crystal 	You sure can.
 	She takes his paper, signs it, and gives it back to him.
Crystal 	There you go.
Beauregard	Okay, thank y — hey, wait, this is no good! It's upside down!
 	She turns it right side up.
Crystal 	How's that?
Beauregard	(in awe) How did you do that?
 	She chuckles.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Inside the Swinetrek, a buzzing noise is heard.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Listen! The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob 	Someone's outside the door.
 	The door opens, and Dr. Julius enters, looking quite messy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, Captain! Captain Link! All is lost!
Link Hogthrob 	What?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, they breached our security! There's no stopping them! Our weapons are useless!
 	Link and Piggy begin to cower.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	He'll be here soon, with his storm troopers! (feeling faint) I … held them off as long as I … could!
 	He collapses on the dashboard.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Captain, is he … (dramatic sting)
Link Hogthrob 	Yes, I'm afraid he's … (dramatic sting)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(gets up) I'm resting. That was a difficult scene to play.
Link Hogthrob 	(grabs Dr. Julius) You must tell us, who has breached our security? Who is outside of our door?!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Dearth Nadir! (dramatic sting)
Miss Piggy 	Dearth Nadir? I have never heard of him!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	He's the scourge of the universe! A heartless, power-mad fiend, who hides behind an impenetrable mask!
Link Hogthrob 	(to Piggy) He's badder than anyone.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh, what shall we do?
Link Hogthrob 	What can we do? (picks up the phone) Link's mommy wanted, on the bridge!
 	A beeping noise is heard. He puts down the phone.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob 	He's at the other door!
 	The other door opens, and a figure in black emerges, breathing heavily.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, who, who — who are you behind that mask?
 	
Gonzo 	Ha! And well you might ask!
 	Piggy's fear changes to disgust.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, good grief. (sigh)
Gonzo 	Storm troopers! Surround them!
 	A group of helmet-wearing chickens enters, and surrounds Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! My goodness, they look brutal!
Miss Piggy 	Oh, you have got to be kidding.
Gonzo 	Okay, girls! Peck them to death! (dramatic sting)
 	The chickens begin pecking the pigs.
Link Hogthrob 	OH! OH (either with an exclamation point or a comma) HELP! OH!
Miss Piggy 	Get them out of here.
Announcer 	Tune in next week, for an apology for this week's … PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ha ha ha! That tickles!
==UK Spot - "Hold Tight, Hold Tight (Want Some Seafood Mama)"==
 	Rowlf plays the piano.
Rowlf 	
There is a lone shark from Cincinnati
Who comes daily to his fishery.
Fish is what he eats.
Listen to this story.
Fish trio 	
Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark 	
Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
Fish trio 	
Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark 	
Want some seafood, Mama!
Codfish in sauce, and then of course,
I like oysters, lobsters too!
I like my tasty bit of fish!
When I come home from work at night,
I get my favorite dish, fish!
Fish trio 	
Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark 	
Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
 	A lobster joins Rowlf at the piano. Lew Zealand emerges from the piano.
Lew Zealand	Hey, this is my kinda song! Hee hee hee hee! (kisses his fish)
 	The shark catches the lobster.
Fish trio 	
Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark 	
Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
 	Rowlf plays.
Shark 	
Fododo-de-yacka saki,
Want some seafood, Mama!
Codfish in sauce, and of course,
I like kippers, mackerel too!
And I like my tasty bit of fish!
When I come home from work at night,
I get my favorite dish, fish!
Fish trio 	
Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark 	
Want some seafood, Mama!
Shrimps and rice…
Fish trio 	Very nice!
 	
 	Another lobster hits the last note. The lobster bows, then is caught by the shark.
==Backstage==
 	Crystal comes downstairs from her dressing room, encountering Kermit with a paper bag over his head.
Crystal 	Is that you, Kermit?
Kermit 	(nods) Yes, ma'am.
 	
Crystal 	Do you often wear a bag over your head?
Kermit 	Those dumb prairie dogs — they took away my collar.
Crystal 	So?
Kermit 	Well, you wouldn't want me to go around naked, would you?
Crystal 	Well … no, it's a family show.
Kermit 	It used to be.
Crystal 	(chuckles) Hey. We can put something else around your neck. (starts looking around) We can find it…
Kermit 	Yeah, well, my other collar's at the cleaners. (she takes off his paper bag and he shrieks)
Crystal 	Well, let's see … see what this does.
 	She wraps a feather boa around his neck.
Kermit 	Well, I don't know, I feel kinda dumb.
Crystal 	No, not at all.
 	The prairie dogs gather around Kermit, giggling.
Prairie dog	Boy, do you look dumb!
 	They all laugh and run away. Kermit goes after them.
Kermit 	Come back here!
Crystal 	(chuckling) Oh dear, I don't think I helped any.
=="Sixty Seconds Got Together"==
 	200px
Gills Brothers	
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Sixty seconds got together and they decided to become a minute.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Sixty minutes got together and they decided to become an hour.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Fish #1 	Twenty-four hours kept ticking away.
Fish #2 	And they all voted to call it a day.
Fish #3 	But darling, in a day, there wasn't time to say
Gills Brothers	
How much I love you!
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Seven days, they got together and decided to become a week.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
As they grew and grew, then fifty-two weeks decided to become a year
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
That's why sixty seconds every minute, sixty minutes every hour,
Fish #4 	Every hour, every day, every day, every week,
Gills Brothers	
Every week in every year,
All I do is dream of you, my dear.
Fish #4 	Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.
==Backstage==
 	In her dressing room, Piggy looks around frantically. Kermit peers in, trying to conceal the feather boa he's wearing.
Kermit 	Did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes, come in, Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit 	Can I talk to you from here?
Miss Piggy	No, no, I want to show you something! Now get in here!
Kermit 	(walks over) See, I can explain about this outfit.
Miss Piggy	Oh, who cares about your silly costume! Look at this!
 	
 	She points him to a mannequin pig-head.
Miss Piggy	See, see, my black wig that I wear for Latin numbers — it's missing!
Kermit 	Oh.
Miss Piggy	And my long lavender gloves, and my simulated pearls, and everything! It's all gone!
Kermit 	Uh, well, you see, I've gotta go out on stage and make an introduction. I'll explain to you later.
 	He almost leaves, but she steps on his boa and knocks him over.
Miss Piggy	You'll explain to me now.
Kermit 	Well, you see, we've got — on the show, we've got these prairie dogs.
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, a-and they …
 	The critters pop up wearing Piggy's clothes. She shrieks.
Kermit 	Uh, guys, you're on stage in a second! Now put all that stuff back!
 	They throw her clothes all over the room. Her black wig lands on her head. Kermit exits.
Miss Piggy	Kermit! Kermit! Where are ya? What is this? What? …
 	She gets the wig off, and scowls.
=="The Best Things in Life Are Free"==
 	Main stage. A fanfare plays, and Kermit peeks out from the curtain.
Kermit 	Um, uh, hi there! I thought I would just kinda peek out here and introduce our next act. Uh, it is the barbershop harmonies of our own singing prairie dogs. Uh, they're, they're really terrific, so hang on to your hats, and uh, you might also keep an eye on your wallets. Ladies and gentlemen, the singing prairie dogs!
 	The curtain opens to a barbershop setting. Fozzie sits in the barber chair with a towel wrapped around his face, as the critters sing and steal things.
Prairie dogs 	
The moon belongs to everyone.
The best things in life are free.
The stars belong to everyone.
They gleam there for you and for me. 
The flowers in spring,
The robins that sing,
The sunbeams that shine,
They're yours! They're mine!
And love can come to everyone!
The best things in life are free!
The flowers in spring,
The robins that sing,
The sunbeams that shine,
They're yours! They're mine!
And love can come to everyone!
The best things in life,
The best things in life,
The best things in life, are …
 	They unravel Fozzie's towel, revealing him in his police uniform.
Fozzie 	Stop! I, Bear on Patrol, put you under arrest!
 	
Link Hogthrob	Wait, wait, wait, deputy Bear, surely you're not arresting these cute little things here as common thieves?
Fozzie 	But, but I have witnesses!
 	Switch to the balcony —
Statler 	The bear's right!
Waldorf 	The prairie dogs are thieves!
 	Fozzie and Link have just had their clothes have been snatched off. They fret, as the critters giggle.
 	Switch to the balcony. Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Statler 	They stole their clothes right off their —
 	They suddenly notice that they're in their long johns. The critters pop up and giggle.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, this is Muppet Labs, and I'm tickled pink to announce our solution to the banana problem.
 	Beaker enters with a banana bunch, singing.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	As you know, once removed from the bunch, bananas cannot be reinserted.
 	Beaker tries it himself to no avail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	This results in extra bananas lying around underfoot, where they can be hazardous to your health.
 	Beaker slips and falls. Bunsen snickers.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Such problems disappear with our new electric banana sharpener. Show them, Beaker.
 	Beaker pulls a lever, then inserts a banana into the sharpener. It pops out on Bunsen's end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ah. Say goodbye forever to dull bananas.
Beaker 	Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(snickers) With this equipment, you can store bananas on any convenient vertical surface.
 	He launches the pointed banana in Beaker's direction, and it sticks to the wall, inches from his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	You can even store a whole bunch this way.
 	200px
 	SPROING! He launches four more towards Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And that's all for today from Muppet Labs. (snickers)
 	The curtain closes.
=="We Must Believe in Magic"==
Scooter	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit's having what you might call costume problems tonight, so he's asked me to introduce our very special guest star again. Is the scenery ready?
Voices 	(from behind the curtain) Yeah, it's ready.
Scooter	Ah. Here she is again, miss Crystal Gayle!
 	The curtain opens to reveal Crystal on an old ship at night. She is surrounded by spirits, who dance around her and cackle as she sings "We Must Believe in Magic".
 	
==Goodnights==
 	The stage. Beauregard carries a wardrobe wall to conceal Kermit as he moves across the stage.
Kermit 	Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but...
 	Beauregard moves Kermit offstage.
Kermit 	Beauregard!
Beauregard	Oops, sorry!
 	Beauregard places him at the center of the stage.
Kermit 	Okay, okay!
 	Beauregard runs offstage.
Kermit 	Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Crystal Gayle! Yaaaay!
 	Crystal comes out and bows.
Crystal 	Thank you, Kermit, for a lovely evening.
Kermit 	Oh, it's been our pleasure. Incidentally, you can have your feather boa back.
 	
 	ZIP! A prairie dog snatches it.
Kermit 	Hey! Will you come back with — AAH! Bring that thing back!
 	He hides behind the wall, which is also snatched away.
Kermit 	(hides behind Crystal) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	As the credits roll, the critters tear off Crystal's dress, and other Muppets show up with their clothes snatched off. One of the critters has Kermit's collar.
 	The balcony: Statler and Waldorf are now wearing barrels.
Waldorf 	Well, so much for the prairie dogs.
Statler 	Yeah, now we gotta worry about termites!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts