Diaz's Fuck Fest IX

Diaz's Fuck Fest IX was the ninth edition of the biggest event in SvR06. It was held on March 24, 2013. The main attractions of the show consisted of long-reigning WWE Champion Carlito defending the belt against Ricardo Diaz, World Heavyweight Champion Hogan 80's putting the gold up for grabs against Sheamus, The Undertaker facing off with his most challenging foe yet in Vigo the Carpathian, and Walter P. Wiley challenging Ric Flair for the right to be commissioner of SvR06.
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==Background==
On September 2, 2011, Carlito defeated Ultimate Warrior, Disco Drew, and then-champion RVD to claim the WWE Championship. What commenced was arguably the greatest championship reign in the history of SvR06. In his time as champion, Carlito has retained his title against the three aforementioned competitors, as well as against the likes of Macho Man, Winslow J. Wiley, Dynamite Derek, J-Pac, DCR, Kane Paul, and The Pranksters. At the biggest event of the year, Carlito will defend his championship against the man whom the event is named for: Ricardo Diaz. Diaz has never been champion, nor has he ever appeared in the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest. After defeating Sheamus, he ensured that one of these two goals would be attained. However, time will only tell if Diaz will manage to defeat Carlito for the gold or if the longest reign in history will live to die another day.
Sheamus won the Laugh Like Pee-wee match by lastly eliminating Hogan 80s, earning himself a title match in the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest IX. However, Ricardo Diaz managed to defeat Sheamus for his spot in the main event. Commissioner Flair ruled that despite this, Sheamus could still challenge for the World Heavyweight Championship. With Big Show unable to compete in the World Title Elimination Chamber, Hogan 80s entered in his place and lastly defeated Chris Jericho to be crowned champion. With that, the stage was set for Hogan to defend the title against Sheamus at Diaz's Fuck Fest. Sheamus stated that he is a Real Irishman and he will kick the arse of every man, as well as claiming Hogan is a disgrace to a strong Irish surname like 80s. Hogan responded by cupping his ear and shaking his fists in Sheamus' direction. I think it's safe to say that this match is on.
Despite having an imperfect record at The Fest, The Undertaker proclaimed that he had taken on all comers and had solidified his status as the one and only Lord of Darkness. It was soon after that strange happenings began to transpire, starting with all of the mustard in Undertaker's collection being replaced by a mysterious pink slime. The culprit who had been pestering The Undertaker revealed himself in the form of a painting. This being was none other than Vigo the Carpathian, whose credentials made him sound equally worthy of the title of Lord of Darkness. Vigo challenge Undertaker to a match, where if Taker loses he will relinquish his body to Vigo that he might live again. These two demons will collide at Diaz's Fuck Fest in a battle of biblical proportions.
Walter, fed up with what he has perceived as being short-sided and slandered by Commissioner Flair, finally decided that it was time to release the information about SvR06's commissioner that he had allegedly been withholding. However, he gave Flair an ultimatum. If Flair would agree to face him in a match with his title of commissioner on the line, he would agree to not expose Flair. Flair insisted that he was retired, and with that, Walter revealed to everyone that...Ric Flair has a history of alcohol use and road rage. Upon discovering that this was common knowledge, Walter furiously tossed his jacket to the floor and dropped a knee on it. Seeing Walter perform one of his signature maneuvers sent Flair into a frenzy and led him to agree to face Walter. Two of the dirtiest players in the game will collide at Diaz's Fuck Fest IX.
Chris Jericho has made life miserable for DEFAULT over the past few months. From snatching his World Championship from him to going as far to put him in a hospital. All the while, Jericho poked fun at DEFAULT's family members and boasted that Mark Jindrak was a better friend than DEFAULT will ever have. Little did Jericho know that DEFAULT had been training under the eye of the doctor, his uncle Winslow J. Wiley, to make him better, faster, and stronger than ever before. DEFAULT returned to challenge Jericho to a score-settling battle within the confines of a steel cage. As the two lock horns once again, will Jericho's taunting get the best of DEFAULT or is everyone's favorite freak truly more ferocious than ever before?
Dynamite Derek was not pleased with being the first man eliminated from the WWE Championship Elimination Chamber, and was even more displeased that Disco Drew once again allowed his buddy Carlito to pin him to retain the title. Disco Drew caught wind of Derek's grievances and fired back that Carlito is a better teammate than Dynamite ever was. Dynamite laughed off these claims with a series of hearty huahues. Things grew even more serious, however, when a series of unfortunate events began to transpire. Someone had smashed Dynamite Derek's taillight and even went as far to cancel his WoW account. It was finally revealed that Disco Drew had perpetrated these crimes, which led Derek to challenge him to a match with more than just pride on the line. It was decided to be a Mask vs. Hair match. If Disco wins, Derek must unmask. On the other hand, if Dynamite wins, Drew must have his signature afro shaved off. Can Derek gain retribution and remain the masked marvel of SvR06 or will Disco Drew manage to achieve his first victory at The Fest and continue to deny the cure for Saturday Night Fever?
Bret Hart created a lot of buzz by claiming that Triple H has never had a great match in his entire SvR06 career, mainly due to the fact that he has never competed with the likes of him. Despite this, Triple H is undefeated on SvR06 pay per view, defeating the likes of Sylvain Grenier and The Undertaker in Buried Alive matches, and is a former devouree of the Mustard Championship. Triple H arrived on the scene to confront The Hitman, telling him that since he is well acquainted with getting screwed that he won't hesitate to screw him with his sledgehammer. Bret took Trips up on the challenge, suggesting that the two face off on an appropriate platform for a screwing: Diaz's Fuck Fest. The tensions, and sexual undertones, of this match-up are so thick you could cut them with a knife-edge chop.
Kane Paul blamed his poor performance in the WWE Championship Elimination Chamber on the lack of The Pranksters clothing. Looking to exact some revenge, Kane sought out a man who despises nudity more than any other: Coach D. The Wizard of of Wings demanded that The Pranksters get dressed and challenged them to do ten in a minute. If they couldn't accomplish this task, THEY WOULD HAVE TO DO THEM AGAIN!...and would also be forced into dawning traditional PE attire at the biggest event of the year. The Pranksters ultimately failed and reluctantly grabbed their white shirts and blue shorts. However, the duo managed to get back at Coach D by prank calling him in the middle of the night, to which D responded "What in the xxx are you talking about?! Who in the xxx is this?!" At Diaz's Fuck Fest IX, these two teams will battle it out with the tag team titles on the line. Will Kane and D snap them like a chicken bone or will The Pranksters figuratively burn a bag of dog shit on their opponents big night?
WPW's self-made film Space Battles wound up being a bigger financial flop than Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Rather than blaming themselves, the trio turned their attention to SvR06's recent celebrity guest Chewbacca. WPW claimed that they were bigger movie stars than not only Chewie, but anyone else in the history of SvR06. With that, a challenge was issued to the Wookie Warrior to find himself two partners that could contend with their star power. The star of The Expendables 8: Off The Depends, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was the first to come to the aid of Chewie. If WPW thought it couldn't get any worse than that, they were in for a shocker when it was revealed that they would also be facing off against the star of G.I. Joe: The Movie About Those Toys That Isn't Made By Pixar, The Rock. Will WPW manage to prevail and earn their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame or will Chewie, Stone Cold, and The Rock pull out a blockbuster victory?
As per tradition, the Money in the Bank contract will once again be up for grabs in a Ladder match. In years prior, we have seen both Tajiri and Chris Jericho use this match as a means to obtain the World Heavyweight Championship. This year, Macho Man, Razor Ramon, DCR, and Dusty Rhodes will all battle it out for the Toys R Us replica belt suspended high above the ring and the opportunity to achieve higher greatness that the four of them have all strived for in SvR06. At Diaz's Fuck Fest IX, one of these men will climb the literal ladder of success and be awarded a golden opportunity to challenge the champion of his choosing at any given time, even perhaps at The Fest itself.
Since becoming United States Champion, Jimmy Hart has become a modern day version of some sort of Biblical-era hero that slays giants. With Diaz's Fuck Fest being the biggest show of the year, Hart will set his sights on the biggest opponent that can be found to challenge him for his U.S. gold. Who this colossal combatant is at this time is unknown, but their identity is sure to be uncovered through speculation.
With mere hours before The Fest, Commissioner Flair made what may be his last ruling as commissioner to make this match official for the event. The Kingpin will defend his Million Dollar belt against the likes of Mark Jindrak, Winslow J. Wiley, Tiger, Ultimate Warrior, and Super Sheik in an Over the Top Rope Battle Royal. Many men in this contest have the advantages of strength and battle royal experience under their belt, but can anyone manage to hoist the massive Kingpin over the top rope?
==Results==
# 	Results 	Stipulations 	Times
1 	Razor Ramon def. Dusty Rhodes, DCR, and "Macho Man" Randy Savage 	Money in the Bank Ladder match 	08:28
2 	Andre the Giant def. Jimmy Hart (c) 	Singles match for the United States Championship 	08:52
3 	Mark Jindrak def. Winslow J. Wiley, Tiger, Ultimate Warrior, Super Sheik, and The Kingpin (c) 	Battle royal for the Million Dollar Championship 	06:29
4 	Big Show def. J-Pac 	Singles match 	03:39
5 	Kane Paul and Coach D def. The Pranksters (Prankster Ben & Prankster Skates) (c) by submission 	Tag team match for the World Tag Team Championship 	10:03
6 	Dynamite Derek def. Disco Drew 	Mask vs. Hair match 	11:50
7 	Bret Hart def. Triple H by technical submission 	Singles match 	13:06
8 	DEFAULT def. Chris Jericho 	Steel Cage match 	09:25
9 	Walter P. Wiley def. Ric Flair by submission 	Singles match; if Walter won, he would replace Flair as commissioner 	13:45
10	"Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Rock, & Chewbacca def. WPW (Tajiri, Goldust, & Count Out) by submission	Six-man Tornado Tag match 	03:34
11	Sheamus def. Hogan 80's (c) 	Singles match for the World Heavyweight Championship 	10:53
12	Vigo the Carpathian def. The Undertaker 	Singles match; if Vigo won, he would extract Undertaker's soul and assume his body 	09:46
13	Ricardo Diaz def. Carlito (c) 	Singles match for the WWE Championship with Eddie Guerrero as the surprise guest referee	18:19