Daddy Day Camp/Transcript

==Transcript==
Got some.
- Dad peed in his pants.- Get used to it, son.
When I'm old, you'll have to change my diaper.
Another year over. I can't believe it.
I can't believe our sons are 7.
In a couple years, they'll be starting a band...
...growing their hair long...
...stealing your Suburban to go on tour.
Charlie, we have ourselves
a situation.
Okay, I'll be a minute.
Phil. Phil.
Rare. Good. See?
Save room for cake.
Never mind that on the cake.
- Hey, Mom.- Hey, slow down.
It was the end of Summer Olympiad between us and our rival camp.
The final event: The relay race.
Coming down the stretch, I was flying like the wind.
You were sweating sheets of rain.
You could barely move
in a straight line.
- I was still in the lead.- Whatever.
I hand the baton to Charlie,
he drops it, we lose everything.
Then Lance Warner flew
right past you to the finish line.
I hated that snot-nosed little brat.
He's why I didn't have a good time.
Honey, why is Ben going on and on
about going off to camp?
The permission slip's been
on the fridge for three weeks.
He really wants to go,
and I think he should.
Well, Phil and I have talked,
the boys aren't going.
- What do you mean?- I mean, they're not going.
All those snakes and spiders and wedgies.
Just because you had
a bad experience as a kid at camp...
...doesn't mean
our son will have one too.
- What are you talking about?- I was there. You were scarred for life.
I'm on the ground, staring up at my father.
He stands there
with a look of disapproval.
Just over some stupid camp game.
I won't allow my son to let
anything like that happen to him.
He will know I love and support him
no matter what.
Good. Then you can love
and support him going to camp.
You didn't hear what I just said?
Yes, I did, and he's not you, and you definitely are not your father.
Oh, and you're driving them.
There it is. Camp Canola.
You don't want to go to rival Canola.
But that's where everyone goes.
No, if you wanna go to camp, you wanna go to Driftwood.
Yeah, Camp Canola's some rundown shack...
...on a piece of swamp land.
At least, it used to be.
- Cool.- Awesome.
It's a lake. I don't remember a lake.
Well, this ain't nothing.
Wait till you see where you are going.
Camp Driftwood.
What the heck?
Yeah, well, you're crazy, Morty. That's the best offer...
...you're ever gonna get for this craphole.
I'm doing you a favour, butthead. You're crazy, Morty.
- Are you folks lost?- No, we're here to check out the camp.
You want to bring your kids here?
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Hey, good luck with that.
Okay, kids, come on.
Didn't you hear? Camp's closed.
- Yes.- Yes.
What happened? This place used to be the best.
Well, now it seems like everybody wants newer, better...
...properly licensed and bonded.
They want Camp Canola down the road.
You guys went to Driftwood?
Yeah, we were here
when we were kids.
Then you know. This place really used to be something special.
And Canola was a dump. Then some rich family bought it...
...eventually turned it over to that mutant son of theirs.
What's gonna happen to Driftwood?
Well, soon I'm gonna have no choice
but to sell it to Canola.
It's a pity. Because all he wants
to do is bulldoze over it.
Can you believe it?
That kid has been a pain in my heinie since he won the '77 Olympiad.
I just hate to give that jerk
Lance Warner the satisfaction.
Warner? Lance Warner?
He wants to buy this camp and tear it down?
Our camp?
You bought a what?
Not the whole camp, a partnership with the original owner.
I know the day care centre has been successful...
...but you've spent a lot fixing this house up...
...to accommodate more kids.
The Daddy Day Care brand means a lot in this town.
Re-purposing that brand into summer is just smart business.
Do you know how to run a camp?
That's just it. I'm not gonna run the camp, Uncle Morty is.
Phil and I are just gonna help out.
So I'll spend as much time with Ben as possible.
But you hate the outdoors.
Yes, but I hate Lance Warner more. No way my son's going to his camp.
Please just send him to Canola. That's where all his friends are.
No. No way.
Listen, my father sent me to camp and it didn't go so great. Okay?
Maybe I can give Ben the positive experience I never had.
Just promise me you'll let...
...this Uncle Morty does the real outdoorsy stuff.
I don't wanna have to send a search party...
...to come rescue your lost butt in the woods.
Come on, Sally, now, don't play hard to get.
Oh, you little tease.
Oh, you... I've gotcha.
It's another beautiful woodchuck day, baby. 
Hey, that's great. You remember the old cheer.
I can't thank you guys enough. I mean, you saved the old place.
Yeah, well, with your help, I'll show that Lance Warner...
...how to run a good
old-fashioned summer camp.
Swell. I'll see you guys in September.
Say what, now?
Uncle Morty?
Excuse me. Morty, you can't leave.
You're supposed to be overseeing the camp. We're partners.
I've been watching this camp for over 30 years.
It's time I took a vacation, partner.
Don't worry. Dale here will show you the ropes.
- He's the best counsellor I got.- No, Morty, wait. You can't leave.
Wait. Come back.
What was that about?
This is my first day.
Charles Hinton?
- I'm Charlie.- I'm from FM J Bank.
No doubt your uncle Morty informed you of the liens...
...we have against your property.- Informed?
He just took his little fishy up the road.
As the business has no clients...
...therefore no discernible means of income...
...the bank will have no choice but to foreclose on the property.
- Foreclose?
- Foreclose?
Let me ask you something.
What if this camp could show discernible means of income?
Continue.
We have run the Daddy Day Care Center...
...successfully for the past several years.
Allow us to use the hard-earned trust
that name brings...
...to build in new clientele.
I suppose I could recommend
to the bank...
...that we extend the debt for about a month.
Assuming, of course, that you can maintain the camp...
...and a client base of at least 30 children.
We'll have it in tiptop shape in no time.
Yeah, you got a methane problem, all right.
Gonna have to have that baby pumped.
Oh, crap.
Yeah, you said it. Gonna need a whole new septic tank...
...new plumbing, the works. Cost you about 14.
- Hundred?- Thousand.
You know what? We'll buy the kids gas masks.
It's your party, pally, but that methane is dangerous.
You boys best be careful.
- Phil.- What? That wasn't me.
Okay, here's your lunch, sweetie.
It's a sugar-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, tofu nugget.
You have your Sidekick with text, GPS locator in case you get lost...
...and waterproof sunscreen, in case it gets sunny...
...while it's still raining.- Mother, it's day camp.
I'll be seven miles away.
And home before dinner.
Did you take your Xanax?
I don't wanna go to camp in the rain.
I wanna stay home watching nudie flicks.
The brochure said there would be sun. Please behave yourself.
And for the love of God, try not to make anyone bleed.
Take your Dramamine now before you get on the bus...
...then later if you ride a horse...
...or anything that bounces or gently sways.
- What about my Pepto?- Save that for lunch.
And your Beano, in case you have a snack.
It's another beautiful woodchuck day. 
Promise you'll put those games away and try to be social this summer.
Die, alien scum, die.
Carl, please don't let the other kids tease your brother.
What am I? Dr. Phil?
I've got nothing to work with here.
Archibald Lawrence Mapleton?
Call me, Mullet. Business up front, party in the back, baby.
Juliette Stone?
Present.
Holy Hogwarts.
Watch the merchandise, dude.
- I still got it, huh?- I can't hear! My ears!
Okay, this is it. Time to give them a summer they'll never forget.
They won't forget that.
Nature walkers, lotion up.
Okay, Robin Hoods, gather around.
Everybody take a bow.
There you go.
There's enough for everyone. There you go.
Hey, Romeo. If you like her, go into that group.
No. That's okay. I've only got to kill one more Orc.
Right. Kill your Orc, you dork.
Dad, I want to be in the group with Max.
I'm older than these babies. I should be in that group.
I didn't sign up to be with no skirts.
They got cooties.
There's no such thing as cooties.
It's simply a term used to express age-appropriate discomfort...
...of those not of our gender.
Stop arguing.
You wanted to accommodate children of all ages.
Well, at this point, we can't be too picky.
Look, here we have grass. Some grass and a big rock.
How many more to go?
Everybody gather round. Get in here.
Can anyone tell me what kind of tree this is?
An oak?
Yeah. Sure. Okay.
Look over here, some berries, maybe a strawberry thing.
I wouldn't eat them, though. Watch out.
Poison ivy. Keep moving, slowly, behind the bush.
Come on, slowly. Don't touch it.
Careful, careful. Okay.
That would be a leaf.
Ready. Aim.
Wait. There's a bunny.
We can't shoot with a bunny in the field.
He's way off to the side. You'll never hit it.
Yes, we can. That's good eating.
No, it's not.
Wait. All right, kids, hang on. Back up.
So the rebel Borg rogue vessel...
...circles around Barkon IV...
...loops over the Enterprise and doubles back...
...through the space nebula.
We passed this tree twice already.
Because it's a very important tree and I wanted to emphasise it.
We're not lost.
- Alligator.- Calm down. Stop. Calm down.
Stop.
We don't have alligators on the nature hike.
It's not that good a camp.
See, kids? Everything's gonna be just fine.
Air varmint.
I appreciate that you kids are such quick learners...
...but these knots are not supposed to be used for evil.
See? Just a big, dumb empty log.
Bees. Scatter.
Now put two thumbs up.
You guys, two, three, or four of you are out...
...because I didn't say, "Simon says. "
All right, Simon Says.
Ben. Hey, Ben.
Simon says, "Wave at Daddy. "
Good concentration, son. You know, because I'm not Simon.
Good job, Dale.
Oh, no, so many are out right now, I can't even count how many.
- Can I help you?- Felix.
Simon Says. A classic.
I was showing the kids here...
...where the go-cart track will be...
...once you and your team of idiots
run your camp into the ground.
First of all, it's not for sale.
Yeah, well, from what I heard, that may not be up to you.
Yeah, a little something called foreclosure.
Axe coming down.
See all those kids running around down there?
Does that look like a business in trouble?
It's only day one, buddy boy.
Once all those kids see how much fun we're having at Camp Canola...
...they'll be jumping ship like harbour rats.
And to make matters worse...
 
...you will never be able
to beat the Chief in the Olympiad.
That's him. He's the Chief.
And you poop in your shorts.
Nice son you got there, Lance.
He ain't my kid. I hate kids.
First of all, there ain't gonna be
any Olympiad. And secondly...
...I care about building these kids up,
not tearing them down...
...with some futile attempt
at competition.
That's pathetic.
You won't last a month.
Yeah. Thirty-one days. Or 30.
Except for February,
which stands alone.
All right, let's go.
Dang, he looks familiar.
All right, Camp Canola.
Let's head out.
Wait. Oh, good Lord.
Watch and learn.
- Mullet. Come on.
- Hurry up.
I want candy.
Dale, make sure
you count them twice.
Everybody on the...
Hey, no fighting.
On the bus. Get on the bus.
Oh, thank God.
See? This is exactly
where I thought we'd come out.
Get down to the bus.
It'll be leaving any second.
I've gotta drop the kids off
at the pool.
We have a pool?
No.
This is the worst camp ever.
Thanks for coming.
No, no, Max.
All right, no, Max, Max.
Okay, off the bus.
Everybody off the bus.
Yes, off the bus. Okay. Okay. Relax.
What's wrong with him?
He was born with no sense of smell.
What's his problem?
- Mayhoffer's gonna blow.
- What?
Phil, we got a situation here.
I need help. 
I need backup. I repeat, backup for... 
All right.
Code blue. Code blue, Phil.
- What else could go wrong?
- No, please...
I think we're gonna need
more toilet paper.
Baby...
...it's just not your area of expertise.
You need someone
with more outdoor experience.
Someone like your father.
You're gonna call Grandpa?
No. Mommy's just making a joke.
I don't need Buck.
Kids all over town are bathing
in tomato juice, thanks to you.
It was one lousy skunk
and a harmless methane explosion.
Your father's a military man.
You told me yourself Buck knows
everything about the outdoors.
Roughing it, managing troops,
survival skills.
Yeah, and he realises it
through anger, shaming, and criticism.
Here, baby, sponge yourself.
Look, I know that you two have had
your problems.
Problems? No.
Nothing I ever did was good enough,
including sports, school, work.
But other than that?
He could help,
and Ben would be thrilled to see him.
I think it's time you give him a chance.
Look, baby, this is my thing, okay?
I'll handle it.
Phil and I got special
camp consultants coming tomorrow.
It's a fresh start and a new day.
Consultants?
Yes.
- It's all right here in our Idea Binders.
- That's for you.
You just trust us.
- Syl. Come to me.
- I'm right here.
Be with me, think with me.
We could have
this entire area carpeted.
Shag carpet.
Like a child, a universe grows.
That was a waste of time.
Hey, don't worry.
When those 35 kids get off that bus...
...we're gonna show them adventure,
Charlie and Phil style.
Okay. See, Phil, it's all we needed.
A new day, fresh start.
Way to go, Dad.
What?
That's all we got. The other parents
are demanding a full refund.
Let's go this way, guys.
We only got seven kids left, Phil.
There's no other way
to cover these bills.
We can't afford to hire consultants...
...much less make
the foreclosure payment.
We can't even afford to give refunds.
That money went back into repairs.
You're gonna have
to swallow your pride...
...and get a man in here
to help run this camp.
Historically,
the art of using troops is this:
When ten to the enemy's one,
surround them with tanks.
At five times the strength,
you attack with air strikes.
Napoleon: All manoeuvres were
on horseback.
Saladin: Camels...
Colonel here.
Just a sec.
Civilians, you're dismissed.
That's better. How can I help you?
No, no. No, the time is fine.
You don't say?
And that's how you treat
an acute poison ivy breakout.
I'd like to apologise to you guys
for letting you play...
...in what I thought was clover.
Jack, I wouldn't go number two
for a few weeks if I were you.
I think you used that "clover"
for toilet paper.
If you'd all sign these waivers...
...acknowledging you've been briefed
on safety...
- Here you go. Okay.
- Excuse me.
With the exception of emancipated minors...
...I don't believe
that a personal injury waiver...
...with confidentiality clause,
executed by a child...
...is a legally binding document,
Uncle Phil.
It's a raid.
Camp Canola!
Get the flag.
I can use the second mortgage
on the house...
...to pay off the bills for the camp?
Great. No, Mr. Thumson,
I don't need you to come out here.
No, business is fine. It's just...
You know,
we have such a full house.
Can I call you back?
What the heck is going on here?
Open your ear-holes, dweebers.
"We, the mighty troops of Fort Canola,
have braved hill and dale...
...so that we may find...
...who are the greatest warriors
in the land. "
No. No. No way.
You are way out of line, Lance.
Behold!
This spear of honour...
...garnished with the flame of truth.
Now, I challenge ye...
...to the XLV Annual
Intercamp Olympiad.
That's the 37th Olympiad to you,
pea brain.
Forty-fifth.
I told you before, there isn't going
to be any competition.
Well, then let the onslaught continue.
Now's your chance.
Go say something.
Do you like World of Warcraft?
World of what?
I'm a Level 40 Blood Elf Druid.
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
Goodbye.
I like causing destruction,
not cleaning up after it.
Is that why you threw a paint grenade
at your own campmate during a raid?
What can I say?
War is hell, skunk-boy.
Fight. Fight. Fight. 
Fight. Fight. Fight. 
Cut it out. Stop it. Stop fighting.
A ten-hut.
I see this unit's morale is flagging.
There is only one solution for that.
All of those who are my grandson,
front and centre.
- Come here, you little peanut.
- Grandpa Buck.
Do you remember this manoeuvre?
Sneak attack at tickle point.
Everyone, this is my father,
Colonel Buck Hinton.
- Reporting for duty, corporal.
- Please don't call me that.
All right, then, private.
Gentlemen. Ladies.
What I just witnessed was a mutiny.
Among campers,
that is unacceptable...
...from this point forward.
Now...
...front and centre. Double time.
I'll make you soldiers
if it's the last thing I do.
No, wait a minute. There is no mutiny.
Everything is under control.
This is not why I called you.
- Why the misconduct, soldier?
- We got raided by Camp Canola.
- Yeah.
- Sneak attack, huh?
Well, I'm sorry, private.
We should be planning
a counterattack.
Meet force with force.
I say we hit them at nightfall.
- Yeah.
- No. No.
Driftwood Day Camp.
Hit them at 5,
when the sun's in their eyes.
Yeah.
Okay, guys.
Guys, can you excuse us
for a minute?
This is not a boot camp. All right?
We're not looking for Colonel Hinton,
war games consultant.
We're looking for Colonel Hinton,
experienced team builder...
...slash King of the Outdoors.
We're not trying to turn these kids
into Marines.
What's wrong with being a Marine?
Maybe if you had enlisted...
...you could work yourself out of a jam
instead of calling in reinforcements.
Listen. Yes, I do appreciate
your coming.
Yes, we do need your help.
But we don't want to get into this thing
with Camp Canola.
- No war games?
- No.
Hand-to-hand combat?
- Guerrilla warfare?
- No war.
No war.
Just help us run Driftwood,
all right?
Can you follow those orders, Dad?
That's colonel to you, private.
Line up.
In through the nose.
Out through the mouth.
In through the nose.
Out through the mouth.
The samurai warrior meditates...
...to blend mind
and body into harmony.
Come here. Come to me.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, old man, what's with the séance
in the middle of our off-road track?
What? Get them out of here!
Get your kids out of here!
Get them out of here!
Somebody's gonna get hurt!
Relax, General Depends.
Shouldn't you be
in some bingo game or something?
L-27. G-13.
All right, boys. Let's move them out.
- B-7.
- G-40.
That tears it.
Rules of engagement...
...been overruled.
There's the objective.
Anyone unclear on their role?
No, sir.
- Anyone wanna go home?
- No, sir.
Operation MoonPie is a go.
It's right up here.
You know, I've never been up here.
Help. Help. Come on, y'all.
Give me a lift. Come on, please.
Go, go.
Where is it? Where is it?
I know that loser from somewhere.
Where is it?
Jackpot.
Charlie Hinton.
Can I help you?
- Hi, my name's Becca.
- I'm Juliette.
And we've come to offer you...
...the Driftwood
Olive Branch of Peace.
In exchange for our friendship...
...all we ask is
that you return our flag.
Did big bad Charlie send
his little bitty girls...
...to do his bidding for him, huh?
Let's put it this way:
Either you give it back...
...or we take it.
You and what army, Petunia?
You had to ask.
Ask what?
What the...?
Get him.
You're messing with Lance Warner.
Stuck.
Yes.
Hey, Warner.
- Yes.
- That's my boy.
Sound the alarm. Red alert.
We're under attack.
This is not a drill, people.
Everyone to your stations!
Security's been breached!
The perimeter's
been compromised!
Lock the gates! Call my dad!
Hey, Dale, you seen Buck?
Supposed to be back
with the kids an hour ago.
I wouldn't sweat it.
Your dad's like
the most responsible guy I ever met.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Get back here, you little rodents.
Come on. Come on.
No! No, no, no.
Give me my pants back.
Here's your diaper.
Clean yourself off.
Move out.
Let go. Get back here, you cowards.
No one messes with Lance Warner,
you hear me?
No one.
G.I. Joe is turning red. 
Someone farted on his head. 
G.I. Joe is turning pink. 
Someone puked in the kitchen sink. 
G.I. Joe is turning white.
The zippers on his pants
are really tight. 
G.I. Joe is turning blue.
There are peanuts in his poo. 
Company, halt.
Where have you guys been?
Your nature hike was supposed
to be back an hour ago.
Present colours.
- You didn't?
- Yes, sir.
Robert, what happened
to your head?
It's just a battle wound.
Dale, go get the first-aid kit.
You take these kids off our premises
without permission slips...
...and bring them back like this?
Affirmative.
See, this is exactly the thing
I was afraid of.
We restored our honour, Dad.
It was just...
What kind of insane militant
nut factory you running here, huh?
Huh, Charlie Hinton?
Driftwood Class of '77.
- That's right, I know who you are.
- Listen, Lance.
I'm really sorry about this.
In fact...
...my father and I were just about
to have a discussion about it.
This is your father?
Oh, this is classic. Oh, sure.
The chicken's come home
to roost, huh?
Now I know why you don't want
to compete in the Olympiad.
You're afraid of getting
your butt kicked again...
...in front of Lieutenant Prune Juice.
Colonel.
Oh, Colonel. Sorry.
Look, Lance, I'm just trying to teach
these kids about sportsmanship.
No, the only thing you can teach
these kids is how to lose.
Or have you forgotten?
"Daddy. Look at me.
I'm a failure. "
You know why my parents bought
Camp Canola for me?
No, why?
Because that summer
when I kicked your butt...
...that was the best moment
of my life.
And now, every day when I wake up,
I get to live that dream.
And it is fantastic.
Peaked when you were 11,
did you, Lance?
See, I get it, Charlie.
You don't want your kid
to end up a loser like you.
Like father, like son.
Oh, sure. No, that's cool.
You walk away.
Yeah, because refusing to compete...
...just proves to the community...
...which camp they should send
their kids to.
Mine.
Adiós.
What I'd really like to do
is kick your butt.
Being as we're trying to set
a good example here, mister...
...you got yourself an Olympiad.
Yeah!
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Good, good job.
The great Julius Caesar
once said...
You were way out of line
with what you did today.
If we do this, we do it my way.
You got it?
- Affirmative.
- Good.
Now. What do you think
we should do?
A sleepover?
I thought the whole purpose
of day camp...
...was sending the kids home
at the end of the day.
It was your idea to get
my father involved.
According to Buck,
the best way to build team unity...
...is to put the kids in a new situation
where they have to work together...
...to overcome stuff.
Well, I think someone wants
to impress his own father.
Listen, this Olympiad is gonna
be good for business.
Once those Canola parents see
how well our kids work together...
...we might drum up new customers.
If you think parents
are gonna switch camps...
...based off of wins
some silly events...
Mrs. Hinton?
I'm Edward Thumson from the bank.
Yes, I'm aware of who you are,
but what are you doing in my house?
Is that real Tiffany crystal?
It is a standard procedure to do...
...a pre-inventory
prior to the foreclosure.
But the first instalment is not due
until next week.
True. But with only six campers...
...it is mathematically impossible for...
- Actually, there's seven campers.
- What's going on?
- Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
We overextended ourselves
with the camp.
Now strange men are touching
the furniture...
...messing with my mama's vase...
...Mr. Thumson's threatening
to take my house away.
Okay, okay.
- I know what I gotta do.
- What?
- I'll sell the camp.
- Listen to me.
If you believe by winning
this Olympiad...
...more kids will come to the camp...
...then you go kick
some Lance Warner butt.
Come on. Come on, soldier.
Yes.
Ben! Hey!
Come on, son.
- I know the song.
- Well, what?
You don't like being
in the support vehicle with me...
...instead of out there with poison ivy,
rocks and whatnot? Bugs.
It's supposed to be a hike.
I look like a goober.
Okay. You're right.
Oh, look at her.
She even puts on bug spray
like an angel.
You're pathetic. Go walk with her.
Get your groove on, dude.
What makes you such an expert?
You're only 6.
I know I won't spend
my best years buried in video games.
Shut up. Don't make...
Here, buddy.
Stop it. Stop it.
Hey, Billy? What's going on?
Nothing.
No wet willies to dish out?
Maybe you could switch over
to the purple nurple.
No, I already gave one to Mayhoffer.
It's just... I don't like sleepovers.
That's all.
And why is that?
Come on, Billy, you can always trust
a fat guy. I won't tell anybody.
Cross my heart, hope to diet.
- I sometimes wet the bed.
- What?
I sometimes wet the bed.
You know what?
I had the same problem
till I was darn near 10.
Really? What did you do
at sleepovers?
An excellent question,
my young friend.
I think you'll be intrigued
by the answer.
Get that equipment up, Brown.
This is dumb.
Why we gotta walk so far?
Far? Halt.
Now you listen up, hippie-hair.
How are you gonna compete
against Camp Canola...
...tomorrow morning
with that kind of attitude?
We have 12 events staring at us
dead in the eye.
We have got to toughen up.
When I was your age, I used to march
six miles into the woods...
...just to spend the night alone
in a tree. Focus on a goal.
I used to put rocks in my backpack...
...just to get stronger.
That's how you grow up to be a man.
Ain't that right, Ben?
All right. Let's head out.
Forward, march.
Hey, Ben.
What are you doing there, son?
Nothing.
I'm so full.
I'm fuller than you.
No one's as full as me.
But now I've got room for dessert.
Who wants S'mores?
Anything I can help you with?
Can't find the chocolate
or the marshmallows.
What are you talking about?
They're in my bag.
Who wants chocolate?
What are we gonna roast?
Nice job, Hinton.
Your dad is such a schwing.
I gotta roast something
with a pit in it.
Shut up. I don't like it
any more than you do.
It's not my fault.
Dude, trust me.
A star-filled sky,
the warm glow of a fire...
She'll be like Silly Putty
in your hands.
What makes you such an expert?
Look, you know how grownups
are always saying...
...they wish they knew then
what they know now?
- Yeah.
- Well, I know.
How are we ever gonna beat Canola
with runts like you on our team?
Yeah. What you gonna do, tiny?
Bang your pan until they surrender?
I think I burned my banana.
- Hello.
- Hey.
How are you doing
this fine evening?
Pretty good. Never roasted
a pear before, but it smells good.
Yes, smells are good,
and you, too, smell, Juliette.
I mean, things smell...
I mean, good, you smell.
Sorry, it must have been
from the hike, because...
No, no, I mean...
It's a nice night.
Starry skies, a warm fire.
Good food.
Idiot.
Great place you got there.
What's the mortgage like?
What are you doing?
Sleeping in a hollowed-out log
or something?
 
It's called camping, private.
You should try it.
Yes, right.
Jack, I think that banana is about
as cooked as it's gonna get there.
It's so slimy.
No, it's roasting.
It's supposed to bring out the flavour.
Try it. You'll like it, I promise.
Good, right?
No!
I'm done with that.
That's nasty.
You feel better?
Sure you're gonna need that, son?
Good Lord's filling the sky
with a million nightlights.
Just for you.
Don't know why you got your panties in a wad tonight, Mayhoffer.
We're all getting butt spackled tomorrow anyways.
What are you talking about?
You don't seriously think we can beat
those rich Canola kids?
Yeah, they're gonna cream us.
Cream? Cream is for coffee.
Okay. Listen up, troops.
It's come to my attention some of you don't believe we can win tomorrow.
Okay.
Maybe they have fancy equipment.
Gold-plated toilet paper.
But we got something
those snotty-nosed...
...silver-spoon brats will never have.
- Do you want to know what that is?
- Lice?
Driftwood spirit.
I didn't think you guys had it...
...but the way you pulled yourselves
together today...
...made me prouder
than any platoon I've ever led.
- We couldn't have done it without you.
- Nonsense.
You couldn't have done it
without this.
Because it's Driftwood Camp spirit
that links us all together...
...and makes it all possible.
You're not just a bunch of kids
that came together in camp.
You're a team. Team.
- Team.
- Team.
- Team.
- Team.
Team, team, team!
And listen, team.
Tomorrow, you're gonna take
those lobster-eating...
Yeah!
 
...those Humvee-driving...
- Yeah!
...Canola cretins and you're gonna
throw them in the dumper.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
You don't think you're setting them up
for a pretty big letdown?
Well, in order to win the battle...
...one must first believe
in the success of the mission.
It's been a long time
since you've been in battle.
A minor technicality.
Hey, have you guys seen Ben?
I can't find him.
- Ben?
- Ben?
- Ben!
- Ben?
- Ben!
- Are you in there?
- Ben.
- Come out.
Guys, I found him.
Ben.
Ben, get down from there.
What are you doing?
Get down. Where you been, man?
We been looking all over for you.
Listen, don't ever scare me
like that again, you hear me?
I'm okay. I just wanted to be
like Grandpa, that's all.
So you wandered off by yourself?
You know how dangerous that is?
Grandpa said
it's what made him tough...
...so I thought it'd do
the same for me.
What?
All right, guys, listen up.
Listen to me.
Let me tell you something
about being tough, okay?
Being tough doesn't necessarily
make you a hero.
Sometimes tough people grow up
to be arrogant, selfish and stubborn.
You guys just need to be yourselves.
And know that by being yourselves...
...you're gonna be winners,
no matter what.
Even if we choke like you?
Especially if you choke like me.
Listen.
I want you guys to grow up
to be kind and caring...
...and accepting people.
Even if they make mistakes.
 
So, Ben,
don't try to be so tough, okay?
Just try to be your best.
That's all that matters.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Okay.
Okay, my little Olympians,
time to rest up for the big day.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on.
Calling Buck, man,
what was I thinking?
It's the only way he knows, Charlie.
If that means him jeopardising
any more kids, he can keep it.
I don't want Ben to grow up
to be anything like my father.
Let's go.
Shoot.
What the heck is...? Oh, you nasty...
This is a mistake.
Wait for me.
Yes. It worked. I'm dry.
See? Told you, Billy.
You always fool
the bed-wetting goblins...
...if you sleep in your day clothes.
Go play with the kids.
Oh, my neck. I'm so cold.
Feel like a human pincushion.
- Relax, Charlie. Look around.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you look at that?
They're running around,
having a good time.
Oh, Buck's gonna go on and on
about how he was right...
...and I'm way too overprotective.
Buck's not gonna go on and on
about anything.
I haven't seen him all morning.
Sign up for camp, please?
Driftwood?
Hey, do you wanna sign up...? No?
Well, as you can tell, we've obviously
destroyed their camp...
...over the last couple years.
I'm thinking, once we kick
Driftwood's butt one more time...
...this is where
the new hardware goes.
What do you say?
It's gonna be great.
Hey, Chuck E. Cheese!
Getting a little nervous?
Let me give you the on the day's events.
Okay.
The Olympiad starts. Your team sucks. You lose.
The end.
Good luck, Lance.
I don't need luck.
Okay, I'll take it from here.
Forfeit! I forfeit!
- Have you seen Grandpa Buck?
- Col. Buck has been gone a long time.
Guys, I'm sure he'll be here.
Okay, so just reach to the left.
Stretch.
No news yet on Buck.
Margaret's driving all over town.
But I did find this in your office.
"Charlie, Uncle Sam called
about another job...
...which is just as well, seeing
as things aren't working out here.
Your tough Colonel Buck. "
- I'll keep looking.
- Okay.
Is that from Grandpa?
Yes. Yes, it is.
He's not coming back?
Well, no.
He's the one that showed us
how to do everything.
We're gonna get whupped.
I don't get whupped.
I do the whupping.
We're doomed. Doomed, I tell you.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Just because Buck got called away
to serve his country last night...
...doesn't mean we take everything
he taught us and just let it go to waste.
- He deserted us.
- Without so much as a "see you. "
No, no, no. He didn't.
It's here in the letter, listen.
"Dear Ben, Max, Juliette, Robert...
...Carl, Jack, Becca, Billy,
and Mullet:
Sorry to leave in the night
without even saying, 'See you'...
...but it's important
that you don't panic.
The 103rd Airborne is staging
manoeuvres tonight...
...and let's just say they could learn something about teamwork from you. "
The 103rd was retired after World War II.
Tell you what?
They're bringing it back.
- We can't do this without Buck.
- Yeah.
Sure we can. You know what?
He would've wanted it that way.
You know why?
Because we're a family.
We'll pull each other up,
because that's what families do.
If family's so important,
why'd Grandpa Buck leave?
Yeah.
- Going that well, huh?
- Best day of my life.
Well, Ben seems upset
about Buck leaving.
Yeah.
You know why grandkids
and grandparents get along so well?
They're united by a common enemy.
Makes sense.
I'm saying, if you and Buck could unite around each other's strengths...
...Ben could have
the best of both worlds.
Go get them, coach. For all of us.
Good news.
Found this in Buck's cabin.
I'll watch after the kids.
You go make things right.
Thanks.
You missed your train.
I missed a train.
Haven't really decided
which one I'm getting on yet.
I thought you had
to be back for manoeuvres.
That's true, but next year.
That's about as often
as they let a broke-down retiree...
...come out and play
with the reservists.
"Retiree. "
About the only action
I get these days...
...is when college students
are doing...
...research papers
on military history.
So...
...you abandoned your post this morning.
Good soldier knows
when he's in hostile territory.
You heard me last night, didn't you?
I guess I've had a few things
on my mind over the last...
...30 years or so.
I didn't even know you felt that way.
Strange, getting older.
Easier remembering things
the way you wish they were.
I want you to know I'm proud
of the man you've become.
The way you make adjustments
in the field...
...like opening a day care centre
when you lost your job.
Me, I wouldn't be able to do that.
I've always needed more structure.
I'm far from perfect, believe me.
Far from it.
I know one thing though,
those kids are gonna be crushed...
...unless your leathery old butt
comes back.
Do you smell gasoline?
That's right.
Minor setback, people.
We'll get them in the next event.
Wrestling?
Have you seen Max wrestle?
He's right. I suck.
Yeah. And that Canola guy's
hairier than my grandmother's mole.
We're stewed.
Can't we just go home?
This is embarrassing.
No one's going anywhere
until we win this thing.
- Grandpa Buck.
- Yay.
Okay. Hands in, soldiers.
It's another beautiful woodchuck day. 
I knew you'd come back, Grandpa.
We couldn't do this without you.
That's where you're wrong.
Your dad is the hero.
My dad?
Don't you realise he did
all this just for you?
You're pretty lucky
to have Charlie Hinton...
...as a father.
He's a better soldier than I'll ever be.
I could never run a camp
like he can...
...or watch over you
and your mom like he does.
He may be a little overprotective...
...but it's only because he loves you
so much.
- Colonel, we've got a problem.
- Yeah, dude.
What's the situation on the ground,
soldiers?
My calculations suggest
they've cheated in nearly every event.
Cheaters, huh?
Well...
...the only way to beat cheaters
is by outsmarting them.
I've got an idea.
Okay. Okay, okay.
First, we're gonna need the skunk.
Here we go. Come on, good D,
thattaway.
Thattaboy. There we go.
Ref, come on, man. I'm growing old.
Look, here he comes.
Ref. Substitution.
Good job, Robert. Good job.
Yeah, thattaway, purple.
There we go, yeah.
That's too bad, Driftwood.
That's tough luck.
Good hands, though, kid.
Good hands.
We've got a sharpshooter.
We gotta do something.
Give me a balloon.
Billy? The water pump's over there.
No, I'm not filling it with water.
I've been holding this in all night.
You shouldn't pick on kids
smaller than you.
Yeah. Good catch. Good catch.
It's pee! It's pee! It's pee!
It's pee! Mom, it's pee!
Yes!
We're the tiebreaker.
We're gonna get the tiebreaker.
It's another beautiful woodchuck day. 
Suck it up. Let's go.
Jeez, embarrassing.
Okay, let's go get them.
Remember what we talked about.
We need this one.
We need this one.
That look familiar, Charlie?
You lose this,
it's déjà vu all over again.
Yeah, well, I got my best athlete here,
waiting to change history.
Let's go, buddy, come on.
You okay?
I twisted my ankle when I fell.
I could shoot the arrow fine, but...
- But can you climb?
- I don't know. I don't think so.
You can forfeit, Charlie, if you like.
No, no, that's okay.
Who's our best climber?
- I can do it, Dad.
- All right. Come on, son.
You're gonna race that kid.
That's gonna be tough, huh?
- Yeah, real tough.
- Like father, like son, huh?
Don't listen to him. Come on.
All right. Come on, let's go.
- All right.
- Go get him.
Okay, Ben, listen to me.
Whatever you do...
...don't drop the baton, okay?
Ben.
Just enjoy it.
Okay, here it comes.
All right, focus. Here we go.
Come on, Ben.
Go get him.
- Go Ben!
- Go Ben!
- Come on. Get up there.
- Come on, Ben.
- Get them little legs going.
- Come on, Ben.
Go, Ben.
Come on, Ben.
It's okay. It's okay, son.
I told you, you're a loser,
just like your old man.
You're not a loser, Ben.
He greased the wall. He's cheating.
No, don't listen to her.
She's a compulsive liar.
And she steals.
- You cheated.
- You're a cheater. You're a cheater.
Canola cheats. He's cheating.
He's a cheater.
He's a cheater. Canola cheats.
He's a cheater!
Ben, no, no. Get down from there.
That's dangerous, Ben.
Ben. Please, please, Ben.
Ben, get down from there.
No, no, that's dangerous.
Ben, that's dangerous.
Pounce, Bobby J. Here we go.
Up that wall.
Bobby J, go, go, go.
Go!
That's my baby. That is my...
That's my baby. Yeah!
Oh, whoa, hey, what...? Hey.
All right, Bobby J, come here.
- Come here, buddy.
- I did it, Daddy.
- I know it, buddy.
- I love you, Dad.
I love you too, son.
I love you too, you crazy kid.
You call that Canola?
That was embarrassing.
What are you, a moron?
Moron? You're the moron.
Wall coming down.
That's for telling everyone
you're not my dad.
I'm so excited. I'm so excited.
Let's go tell my mom.
She's here to pick me up.
You were really great
in the Egg Relay.
What'd I tell you?
Chicks love gold medallists.
Teach me everything you know.
Well, first you got a bird,
and then you got a bee.
Why?
Why?
Okay.
- Mr. Hinton?
- Hi.
All the parents think Camp Canola may not set...
...the best example for our children.
And so, if it's not too short of notice...
...we'd like our kids to come to your camp as soon as possible.
Too short notice? Don't be silly. There's room enough for everyone.
Yeah, Dale and I can sign all you guys up. Welcome.
- It was really my son who did all this.
- Colonel?
Job well done.
Just call me Dad.
Hey, what do you say we go get the trophy?
- Yeah!
- Okay.
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