S06E02: The Gang Sinks The Titantic

== Aside ==
Everyone is comparing their pandemic hairstyles. The DM is rocking a killer beard that no one’s seen before, Kanye seems to have french braided his mane and is trying to relate to the kids by talking about TikTok.
== Background ==
The group is reinforcing the Frostbite Platoon, a special force of tough dwarves, who sent for help during their mission to retrieve an ancient, magical artifact for the Drakeguard.
They were under siege from ogres when the Neverwinter attack happened; with the Director injured, their magical bracers no longer worked and they were left stranded at the Birthright Stones on the Ice Spire Mountains.
The teleportation spell landed us across the valley where we intended to be (the Deputy Director had warned us the accuracy may be a little off given the Director’s condition), but we were able to make our way to the ruins where the dwarves had recovered the magical tablet and set up defenses while waiting for reinforcement.
Our mission is to ensure the tablet does not land in the hands of the Four Horsemen - whether or not we're able to save the dwarves while we're at it - and hill giants have arrived.
== Session ==
Upon arrival, the two hill giants immediately sit down and demand food from the ogres - as translated by Kanye, who understands giant - giving us a little time to inspect the location (images on right) and brainstorm clever ways to escape with the tablet in hand. Nissa diligently takes a gentle stone rubbing of the tablet just in case.The group is contemplating making Kanye absolutely giant-sized via Titanic Growth.Sorith: We could wait for nightfall, and sneak in?Kanye: We could light things on fire?
Sorith reminds the group we could summon a succubus. Averlyth reminds the group it could be a titanic succubus.
The Horn of Blasting is considered, as the spell-casters pore over the spells they recently gained from leveling up.
Kanye floats the idea of talking our way out of it.
The group laughs, but the Dwarven captain pipes up that it could be a possibility - contrary to popular belief, ogres do have strong values they adhere to. The ones camping outside the ruins have been seen performing rituals every night, and would likely accept a challenge for a duel.
Thanks to the rule of cool, the plan is now for Kanye to challenge the ogres to a duel, and to use Titantic Growth for the inevitable fight with a hill giant. The plan is also for Kanye to use Titantic Growth even if the duel doesn't pan out. Either way, the fight is about to be super-sized, so Um is now positioning himself appropriately.
-- Quick flashback to the bar the night --
Kanye and Sorith have prepared a joint move known as the Fastball Special. It's where Kanye casts Titanic Growth first and then kicks Sorith off Cirque du Soleil style towards the enemy, and then Sorith casts Titanic Growth mid-way.
-- Resume --
Nissa requests a safe word to signal when she should get out of Kanye's harness, since she’s not planning on being giant-sized with him. Kanye: So… the safe word is lens flair… or haberdasher.Nissa: Yeah, so like as soon as I see you doing the lens flare move, I’ll be like “I’m out”.Kanye: I love it! If I forget to say it, I’m not going to forget to lens flare.It’s now canon that Kanye needs to do a magical girl transformation for Titantic Growth.
Nissa, Kanye and Sorith prepare to head down to the camp where the ogres are still eating dinner, with the intent of challenging them to a duel. Um will stay back and watch the fight from the dwarf camp, ready for long-range combat if it comes to it. Averlyth decides to go with so she’s able to grab Nissa and teleport back if things go downhill (ba dum tss).DM: What is the safe word to trigger a teleportation?Averlyth: It’s lens flair, weren’t you paying attention?Kanye bears his shield of pedigree proudly as Nissa leads the way, first singing the stories of MCVFD before going full blast into a rock ballad berating the ogres for getting in the way of the firefighters. Nissa was born to challenge her enemies to ritual combat.
As we make our through the camp, more and more ogres exit their tents, looking at us. We notice there seem to be 2 distinct breeds of ogres - one looks like the normal brutes we're familiar with, the other has a bluer skin tone, and look like they’re in charge.
We arrive at the center, and the biggest, toughest-looking ogre muscles his way through the crowd and asks what this is all about.
Nissa expresses our challenge using big words that make him mad.
Sorith winks at him. Kanye taps his scroll of pedigree. The chieftain can’t read.
None of the ogres appear to be threatened by us at all, though the chieftain is at least taking the request for a fight somewhat seriously. We watch him go into his tent, and Nissa is able to vaguely overhear a conversation in Common. The discussion sounds increasingly heated, with a voice that sounds vaguely familiar.
Seconds later, we no longer need to wonder as we're confronted with the appearance of Taldic Lowery, former CEO of Fresenius Restoration and one of the Four Horsemen we've been after.
The ogre chieftain trails out the tent behind him, continuing to argue the sanctity of honorable combat, Taldic appears pissed that the ogres are even considering the duel, then groans in further exasperation when he recognizes us.
Kanye pulls out a shirt that he stole from Taldic way back when and blows his nose on it; Taldic has absolutely no memory of the item.
Taldic tells the ogre to deal with us or else. The ogre chieftain actually seems a little pleased that he got Taldic annoyed. Nissa and Um get the sense that the ogres don’t particularly like Taldic, despite working for him.
The chieftain asks if we’re asking to fight four on four, and Nissa responds we were thinking we'd go one on on. Suddenly, a nearby ogre's eyes light up, and he runs over to the chieftain to whisper something in his ear - a big grin spreads over his face, and he asks who we're offering for the fight.
Nissa points down at Kanye. The ogre nods, voicing how it's the reasonable choice. Sorith is a little miffed at the implication, but acknowledges he isn’t exactly equipped with any armor or weapons, and that Kanye is a half-orc surrounded by child-sized companions.
The Chieftain yells for Reega, and we watch one of the hill giants stop mid-bite to stand up to his full height. The towering contender leers at us dumbly, asking "Reega can smash?".
The Chieftain confirms, then notices that none of us appear surprised by his choice and eyes us suspiciously.Chieftain: You're... you're okay with this?Kanye: This is your last opportunity to surrender!A raucous peal of laughter ripples through the ogre camp.Chieftain: OK, buddy.Kanye: We’re the Mulmaster County Volunteer Fire Department! You know, when people ask who’s responsible for the wreckage.Nissa nonchalantly gives Kanye a blessing for more health, without her usual flair to avoid suspicion of cheating, and then backs off the scene with Averlyth and Sorith to make room for the match.
Kanye starts doing hamstring stretches, toe touches, and then rolls a 1 for initiative.
The hill giant reaches over and uproots a small tree to arm himself, and then asks the Chieftain again if he's really supposed to fight this seemingly weak opponent, who doesn't even appear ready for a battle.
Kanye sings ~LEN FLAIR~ and then instantly grows, matching Reega in size, while still equipped in Power Armor.
All of the ogres stop laughing. The circumstances have gone from incredibly funny to unexpectedly stressful, but now there's also a growing buzz of energy in the crowd.
Every ogre is excited as hell to watch 2 big dudes beat the living snot out of each other.
Sorith, who was keeping an eye out for potential signs of interference, is pleasantly surprised that none of the ogres look like they want to get involved - further evidence of the significance of honor in their culture.
Nissa is overcome with a sudden urge to start the “We Will Rock You” stomp clap. Fairly quickly, we hear the dwarves up the hill start joining in, and then some of the ogres do too before the taller blue ogres tell them to knock it off.
Kanye starts pounding his chest in time with the “We Will Rock You”.
Reega has gone from confused, to confused in a different way, to now confused in yet a different way - it appears he may be too dumb to be intimidated by what’s going on, but he's at least not happy about it.
He finally gets his shit together enough to take a couple of swings at Kanye and smashes him in the face.
Kanye decides that the best thing to do right now is to fireman carry the hill giant, with the intent of grappling him and then boosting into the air.Kanye: My strength is very high!Sorith: Is it hill giant high?The hill giant rolled a natural success. Kanye re-reads his character sheet until he finds something that allows him to make another grappling attack easier.
Kanye follows up with a Haymaker, using the woolley berserker claws to trip him and more importantly, shower the valley with impressive titantic-sized sparks. Reega doesn’t even attempt to block the move: it’s clear he’s not accustomed to fighting anything his own size.
He is completely knocked flat, and we think he lost a tooth.
Kanye spends time negotiating with the DM around what he can and can’t do since he needs to keep a bonus action to remain titanic. It’s revealed that Sorith is also keeping an eye out on his character sheet - not to “correct him” as Averlyth jokes, but to help note things that Kanye could do, i.e. spending a minute to “Know your enemy” before the battle started.
Kanye successfully grapples a very disoriented giant. He grabs Reega by the hair, lifts him onto his back victoriously, and looks around for something to throw him into.Sorith: How far away is Longdic’s tent?Kanye dropkicks the giant into the bonfire with another spark of his claws and a battle cry of "MCVFD!" before entering the Thinking Man pose as Um admires (?) the number of things Kanye managed to get done within a turn.
Sorith pours a mug of ale to the ogre chief. He shrugs and chugs it, then does a bit of a doubletake from quality of the cinnamon hard cider. Apparently better than fermented ogre milk.
Reega clambers out of the fire and spends a few seconds patting the fires out. The burnt and bloodied hill giant spits a couple more teeth out and then snarls at Kanye, ready to return some favors.Kanye: I realized I forgot to take off one of my superiority die… didn’t want Matt to call me out.Sorith: I’m not gonna call you out!Sorith: He’s got 3 left.Kanye swings at Reega and gets a little bit of grass. He checks the breeze and blames the wind.
He then tries to 300 him back into the fire, but the giant's strength outmatches him.
Reega bares a bloody grin at Kanye, then reaches down for his tree and then pummels Kanye with an overhead and then an underhand swing, in quick succession.
Nissa uses Shake It Off to give Kanye an immediate healing surge and an extra action. He critically succeeds with pushing the giant back into the fire, finishing him off and ending the fight.DM: Okay, you didn’t break the D&D rules, but you did break the rules of honorable combat.The chieftain happens to look over at Nissa mid-sip and notices her casting the spell. As Reega collapses to the ground dead, he bellows “Son of a bitch, you’re cheating” and calls for the other hill giant, who was already mad and is now definitely all in.
Sorith asks the chieftain if he needs a refill. He’s not really in the mood.DM: Hey Um, how do you feel about watching Kanye handily winning a fight he shouldn’t have?Um: That’s a good question, you’re like my therapist.Kanye manages to pin the other hill giant as he charges into the fight. The enraged ogres are now hooting and hollering and we're evidently at the brink of open combat, but the initiative is interrupted with an ominous rumbling; looking up the mountain, we're faced with an avalanche barreling down on us.
Higher up the mountain, Um coincidentally notices one of the large upright sarcophagus lids looks like a boat. He makes knowing eye contact with the Frostbite Platoon, then runs toward it while they retrieve the tablet and do the same. They all make it to the top and brace for impact.
When the snow hits, 4 of the 14 dwarves fly off the side, but there's no time to react; down in the ogre camp, the group has mere seconds before the makeshift raft reaches them.
Averlyth casts Water Walk on her, Nissa, Kanye and Sorith, and then positions herself to get ready to jump on the boat, pulling Nissa over with her.
Sorith uses Need for Speed + Water Walk (and + incredible level 9 monk skills) to run up the freaking avalanche. Everyone basically sees a blur and then next thing you know, Sorith's on the boat.
Nissa casts Confusion on the hill giant Kanye currently has in a headlock.
The hill giant (with a wisdom of -1) fails his wisdom check and is now confused. 
The nine closest ogres (with their wisdom of -2) fail and are now confused.
Kanye (with a wisdom of -1) is now also confused. 
Kanye and the hill giant have a moment.
Kanye is 100% confident he gave a persuasive speech to the hill giant to surrender. The hill giant doesn’t do anything.
Three of the ogres run straight at the avalanche.
Three of the ogres go attack the nearest target. Their buddies get clobbered and do nothing about it.
Three of the ogres have their head straight enough to just run away.
An ogre crit fails going for Averlyth; another bludgeons Nissa, who uses hellish rebuke. Infernal fire sprouts up at the feet of the offending ogre because nobody hits Nissa.
The group sees Taldic step out of the tent, say “goddammit” and then also take off running down the mountain.
Um steadies himself, and then helps Nissa gets onto the boat. She flips off the ogre that hit her. He is still on fire.
Kanye is still confused and punches the nearest thing to him - the grappled hill giant - having apparently immediately forgotten he had just asked him to surrender. The hill giant does nothing about this.
Most of the confused ogres stand around doing nothing. One of the ones running away just disappears into the avalanche. One ogre shakes himself out of it and starts climbing up the side of the boat.
Sorith spends 2 Qi points to water whip him - the ogre loses his grip for a moment, but manages to hold on and resumes climbing the boat.
Averlyth somehow also manages to clamber onto the boat - the full group, aside from Kanye, are now all on the boat, but there are 7 more ogres eyeing the boat for safety.
Um, never missing an opportunity to backstab, backstabs the ogre climbing on the boat.Um: Oh okay, I stabbed him wellUm stabs him again.Sorith: You don’t get sneak attack on the second one.Kanye: Only the first stab was a surprise!The group has spends a moment admiring the amount of damage rogues can do.Um: See Jarrod, sometimes I can also take long periods of time with combat.Kanye: I never doubted you for a minute!Nissa, seeing Kanye hasn't yet shaken off the confusion, looks to polymorph him into something that can escape the avalanche.Nissa: If Kanye doesn’t resist, I’m going to polymorph into a golden eagle.Kanye: A what now? I will not resist.Now Kanye is a bird. Kanye effortlessly and gracefully takes to the air.
The hill giant that was just grappled has just enough time to snap out of confusion before getting knocked to the ground by the avalanche.
One ogre is swallowed by the snow, but three more manage to get onto the bottom of our "boat". We see Taldic also turn around and run towards us instead.
Sorith finishes off the formerly back-stabbed ogre - he goes sailing off from the force of his punch, into the raging avalanche - then runs to the nearest ogre off the side and punishes him with a flurry of blows, but he's able to keep climbing.
Averlyth, inspired by Sorith's previous water whip, casts thorn whip to just yank one of the ogres off the boat altogether.
The dwarves finally get their shit together and a volley of crossbow bolts start flying, hitting both of the remaining ogres climbing onto the boat.
Taldic manages avoid the arrows, leaping onto the side of the boat.
The boat has almost overtaken everything. We can only see 3 ogres left on the ground, the camp is being utterly devoured by the avalanche, and we’re rapidly approaching the end of the valley.
Um stabs an injured ogre in the spine, then effortlessly does a backflip when he sees Nissa lining up to cast Lightning Bolt. All three of our trepassers - 2 ogres and Taldic - get hit with a full face of damage.
The ogre on deck dies, the ogre on the ground trips and goes under the avalanche, and Taldic is launched off of the lid.
The boat sails over the remaining ogres and we gracefully slide down, all the way to the bottom of the mountain, near the village of farmers that service the region.
We’ve recovered the runic tablet and all the threats have been dealt with. We’ve saved the majority of the frostbite platoon.
Titantic, polymorphed Kanye, at the last possible second, uses his eagle-like reflexes to dive down just as Taldic would have disappeared under the boat. He manages to clutch him and sail up and up and up and up, far past the altitude that would result in lethal falling damage.
Using his bird senses to calculate the trajectory, he casually drops Taldic in such a way that his body will land exactly in front of the boat as it grinds to a stop.
Um uncharacteristically fist pumps with “Yes you fucking dick!” and particular satisfaction.Averlyth: Do we need another morality arc?Nissa: He started it.
Category:Episodes