We Rn't Who We Rn't

The sixteenth chapter of Total Drama Revolution, posted on September 22, 2011.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama Revolution, there was an aftermath. And I didn't watch it. So I can't make a recap." says Chris.
"Chris, you idiot, the episode before it." says Chef.
"Oh, yeah. Okay. The episode before it, we had a Super Smash Bros. challenge. Cammy injured Vincent, and he was taken out of the game. And then the others voted Cammy off right after that. Who will get voted out next? Find out now, I guess, on Total Drama Revolution!" says Chris.
Kavren is playing a game on his Wintendo SD.
"Whatcha playing, dude?" asks Donny.
"Pogeyman Black." says Kavren.
"Oh, cool. I have Pogeyman Yellow. It's pretty fun. I especially like the gym leaders, they're hot." says Donny.
"Ugh, not really. Only that Kamisturee chick." says Kavren.
"Whatever. She looks like a @#$%." says Donny.
"Wow, Donny, I've never heard you swear." says Kavren.
"..." says Donny.
"There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants, and the men wear bikinis, and the children su--" sings Kavren.
"I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ANY MORE." says Donny loudly.
"So, how do you like the girls left?" asks Kavren.
"Tasia is weird." says Donny.
"Yeah, I know that. The other two." says Kavren.
"I still like Chelsey." says Donny.
"Daaaaamn." says Kavren. "You ain't gettin' her, boy-eeee."
"Since when did you turn into Devin?" asks Donny.
"Whatever." says Kavren. "Elle's hotter."
"Eww, no she's not. She's like 5 feet tall." says Donny.
"She's 5'1"." says Kavren. "And I'm only 5'5"." says Kavren.
"Dude, I never noticed how short you were. I'm almost six feet." says Donny.
"That's nice. I was always teased about my shortness." says Kavren.
"Dude, why? Your friend Julia is way shorter." says Donny.
"Yeah, but I'm the shortest guy in my class." says Kavren.
"Whatever." says Donny. "Don't get self conscious about it."
"Hey, let's go see the girls." says Kavren.
"Good idea, bro." says Donny.
The boys go into the girls' room.
"Hey, gurls." winks Kavren.
"Heeey, maaaaan." says Tasia.
Elle and Chelsey grunt.
"Hey, Elle, guess what?" asks Kavren funnily.
"What's up?" asks Elle.
"Snooki..." says Kavren. "DIED."
Donny begins to laugh. Kavren pokes him.
"WHAT?!" screams Elle. She begins to have a crying fit.
"Relax, Elle. They're probably just pulling your leg." says Chelsey.
"No, lookie here." says Kavren.
Kavren takes out his laptop and types in "znooki dyed." A crudely drawn "newspaper article" comes up.
"You see, it's real." says Donny.
Elle screams and faints.
"Gurl. Wake up. Everything will be fine." says Chelsey.
"No, everything won't be fine. Because SNOOKI DIED." yells Elle.
"Easy." says Tasia, patting Elle on the back. "Eeeeeasy."
"Hey, comforting her is my job." says Chelsey angrily.
"Come on, maaaaan." says Tasia.
"Hey, Donny. Just saying, chicks shouldn't get in the way of our bromance." says Kavren.
"Yeah, man." says Donny.
"You know the old saying. Bros befor--" says Kavren.
"Yes, I know the saying." says Donny.
Chris comes in.
"Challenge?" he asks.
"Can it be a short challenge?" asks Kavren.
"Uh, sure. But it has a lot of special guests." says Chris.
Chris leads the contestants to the movie theater.
"We have a movie theater? Can we watch the Nebraska Shore movie?" asks Elle.
"Dude, that movie comes out in a month." says Chelsey.
"I heard it doesn't even have Snooki in it. Because, you know, she died." says Kavren.
"Duuuude. That's not coooool." whispers Tasia.
"Can it. I'm just playing." says Kavren.
"Come on out, stars." says Chris.
"Stars? How did you get them? Aren't they, like, a million miles long and super hot?" asks Elle.
"That's not what I mean, dipthong." says Chris.
Dustin Nutria, Shaun Havana, Snooki, Wazz Khalifa, and Richard Nixon come out from behind the curtain.
"All right, there are a few problems here." says Chelsey. "First of all, I thought Snooki died. And I know for a fact that Dick Nixon died."
"I am not a crook." says Nixon.
"Ugh, I hated that guy. I have night terrors about him sometimes." says Donny.
"I never imagined a calm dude like you would get night terrors." says Kavren.
"SNOOKIIII!" yells Elle.
"Oh, and she fiiiinally got to meet her heeeeroine." says Tasia.
"Who a' yoo?" asks Snooki. "Is you a guidette?"
"ZOMG, LIKE, I'M SO GLAD TO MEET YOU." says Elle, foaming at the mouth.
"Get offa me, foo'!" says Snooki, punching Elle.
Chelsey says in the confessional, "I should have warned her about that."
"So, you're not dead after all?" asks Elle giddily.
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, foo'? I was neva' dead." says Snooki.
"All right, your challenge is to pick a star, and socialize with them. You'll then have to do dares and whatever with them." says Chris. "Chelsey, you go first."
"I pick Snooki." says Chelsey evilly.
"WHAT?!" screams Elle. "YOU WOULDN'T."
"I would, and I just did." smiles Chelsey.
"@#$%&." whispers Tasia. Kavren nods.
"Tasia, who do you pick?" says Chris.
"I pick Shaaaaun, maaan." says Tasia.
"Yo, shawty." says Shaun.
"And Donny?" asks Chris.
Donny stares at Wazz Khalifa, Nixon, and Dustin Nutria.
"Uh, I pick Wazz." says Donny.
"Brownandyellowbrownandyellowbrownandyellow." sings Wazz.
"Will you shut up?" asks Donny. Wazz quiets down.
"Kavren, your turn." says Chris.
"All right, Chris, is that really Dustin, or Dolph again?" asks Kavren.
"It's Dustin. Because Dolph's right over there." says Chris.
Dolph is feeding potato chips to his Nyan Cat, and makes a clicking noise.
"All right, then I guess I'll pick Nixon." says Kavren.
"You have made a very good choice." says Nixon, his jowls a-quivering.
"Aww, man, I'm stuck with Dustin?" asks Elle.
"Hey, shawty! You's hot!" says Dustin.
"I wanted Snooki." pouts Elle.
"All right, either you get Dustin or you sit out of the challenge and risk getting voted off." says Chris.
Elle sits in the sidelines. "Snookiiii."
"Dustin, that means you're gonna do community service with Alex Nichols." says Chris.
"Who the heck is Alex Nichols? Because Alex from Total Drama School's last name is Bieber." says Donny.
"Alex Nichols is commonly known as the smoothie guy." says Chris.
The smoothie guy comes out, cursing his head off.
"Oh yeah, Dustin and Nichols, Dolph can help you too." says Chris.
Dolph waves. "Hello, boys."
"Oh, god, what's he doing here?" asks Kavren.
"Don't worry, we gave his cat a rabies shot." says Chris.
"Brownandyellowbrownandyellowbrownandyellow." sings Wazz.
"Oh my god. Chris. gimme aspirin." says Donny.
Chris gives Donny a pill.
Donny pops it in his mouth and turns green.
"Now your skin matches your wardrobe." giggles Chelsey rudely.
"Chris, what was that?" asks Donny skeptically.
"Um, something Chef made." says Chris.
"Ingredients?" asks Donny.
"Sweat, Chef's B.O., a dead raccoon, brown and yellow stuff." says Chris.
Donny barfs.
"Brownandyellowbrownandyellowbrownandyellow." sings Wazz.
"Not a good time, Wazz." says Donny.
"Everything I make, I make it big." sings Wazz.
"That song is nasty." says Donny.
"So, Nixon, how's being dead?" asks Kavren.
"It is okay. I'm bored, though." says Nixon.
"You're weird looking." says Kavren.
Nixon scoffs. "Poppycock!"
Kavren touches one of Nixon's jowls. It jiggles.
"Frmfrmfrmfrmfrm!" says Nixon.
"..." says Kavren.
"Patricia Jane Dotcubed." says Nixon.
"One, how do you know that? And two, you're so creepy." says Kavren.
"I enjoy being creepy." says Nixon.
"So, what's up, Nicole?" asks Chelsey.
"Fool, don' call me Nicole! You's call m' Snooki, and dat's it." says Snooki.
"Okay, Nicole." says Chelsey.
"Whatchoo talkin' bout, foo'?!" screams Snooki, and she punches Chelsey.
"Ugh." says Chelsey, and one of her teeth has fallen out.
"Hey, wanna borrow Heather's gold tooth?" asks Chris.
"Is that the real thing?" asks Chelsey.
"Yup. Pulled out straight from Heather's mouth." says Chris.
"Well then, sure. I love Heather." says Chelsey.
Chelsey puts the gold tooth in her mouth.
"Who be Heatha', foo'?" says Snooki in her Italian accent.
"Not you. Y'know, I got a guy that would be perfect for you." says Chris.
"Chris, you didn't even watch the aftermath, weirdo." says Chelsey.
"What's an aftermath?" asks Chris.
Chelsey slaps her head. Snooki punches Chris.
"All right, can we finish this challenge?" asks Chris.
"Sure." says Chelsey.
"All right, Kavren, you go up first with Nixon." says Chris.
Kavren goes onto the stage with Nixon.
"Kavren, kiss Nixon." says Chris.
Nixon puckers up.
"ZOMG WTF NO." says Kavren.
"Do it, or risk elimination." says Chris.
Kavren picks up a blade of grass, kisses it, and wipes it on Nixon.
"Does that count?" asks Kavren.
"Sure, I guess. Chelsey and Snooki." says Chris.
Chelsey and Snooki walk onto the stage. Elle groans.
"Chelsey, make Snooki dance in front of Elle's face." says Chris.
"Oh, god, no! Chris! You can't--" says Elle.
Chelsey points to Elle. Snooki starts to shake her buttocks in front of Elle.
"No! Not Snooki's Tim Tarkashian-esque buttocks!" says Elle.
"Yes." says Chelsey.
Snooki then leaves. "See ya, fools."
"Whew." says Elle.
"Shaun Havana and Tasia." says Chris.
"Somebody call Coastal Guard! Shawty's water rushin' on the dance floor." sings Shaun.
"Shuuuut upppp, maaaan." says Tasia.
"Tasia, take off Shaun's shirt." says Chris.
Tasia takes off Shaun's shirt, but his Cavi nametag hits her in the face,
"Owww, what the heck, Caaaavi?" asks Tasia.
"Look at Shaun's mewbs." giggles Kavren.
Nixon shakes his head. "That is not funny."
"Whatever. Last, and least, are Donny and Wazz." says Chris.
Donny and Wazz go on stage.
"Donny, sing five lines from Brown and Yellow." says Chris.
"Easy." says Donny. "Yeah, uh-huh, you know what it is. Brown and yellow. Brown and yellow. Brown and yellow. Brown and yellow."
"Good job." says Chris. "Tasia and Shaun win invincibility, though."
"Aaaaawesome." says Tasia.
"What? Why?" asks Chelsey.
"I don't want Shaun to be self-conscious about his weight. Oh, and he gets to spend the night." says Chris.
"You sure it isn't Dolph?" asks Kavren.
"I'm sure. Dolph's over there." says Chris.
Dolph, the smoothie guy, and Dustin Nutria run by.
"Heeeey, maaaan." says Dolph.
"Wait, that sounds like..." says Kavren.
Dolph rips off "his" mask, and it is Tasia.
"Wait, what? Who's that Tasia, then?" asks Chris.
Tasia rips off "her" mask, and it is Chris.
"What?" asks the Tasia-Chris. "Well then..."
The fake Chris rips off his mask, and it is Dolph.
"That made no sense at all." says Donny.
"Tasia's still invincible." says the real Chris.
The Dolph-Tasia-thing laughs.
The real Dolph cackles, summons his Nyan Cat, and flies away.
"What the heck?" asks Donny.
"Vote someone off. I have to think about what just happened." says Chris.
The contestants cast their votes, and report to the elimination ceremony.
"All right, safe people are Tasia, Donny, and Kavren." says Chris.
"Yeeeeah, maaaaan." says Tasia.
Donny shrugs.
"Bloop pork." says Kavren.
"Elle and Chelsey. One of you Nebraska Shore-ites is out. The safe one of you two is..."
"Elle." says Chris.
"Wait, what?" say Elle and Chelsey simultaneously.
"We like Elle better than you, I guess." says Kavren.
"I don't." glares Donny.
"All right, guys. Bye, I guess. Elle, text me." says Chelsey, leaving.
"WAIT." says Donny.
He runs up to Chelsey and makes out with her.
Chelsey looks woozy. "What?"
"Goodbye, baby." says Donny.
Kavren says in the confessional, "And I thought I was the weird one."
Chelsey woozily stumbles to the Taxi of Losers and leaves.
"My first kiss went a little like this." says Donny, and starts to dance.
Chelsey, while in the Taxi, makes a heart symbol with her hands.
==Author's Notes==
*The title was a play on Ke$ha's song "We R Who We R" - and I have absolutely no idea why, since it has nothing to do with the chapter itself. It could've been a reference to Dolph's many disguises.
*Snooki's 'death' was a semi-ironic suggestion from SG on Chatango. Considering how few ideas I had at this point, I genuinely took his suggestion to heart.
*Shawn from Total Drama Tokyo makes a premature cameo in this chapter, although his name is apocryphally spelled as 'Shaun.'
*Possibly the strangest scene in the entire story is Richard Nixon's appearance - I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm glad it exists.