Elmo 5: Collision Course

Elmo 5: Collision Course is the 4th episode of the first season of Full Server, and the fourth episode all-time. In it, SpongeBot and Zoltan become parents of Elmo 5, and SpongeBot dies due to cigarette smoking, while Pluto and Jess get married, Aidan denies that he's gay, and Dr. Brown Bear appears.
== Transcript ==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Establishing shot of the Full Server house. Cut to the living room. SpongeBot walks in and the audience applauds and cheers.]
SpongeBot: Oh God! The laughing’s back! I thought we got cancelled!
[Jess walks in. More applause and cheers.]
Jess: Huh… maybe we got rebooted. This could be Fuller Server or something.
SpongeBot: Oh hey, you’re back.
[Laugh track. Zoltan walks in with his signature Zoltan walk]
Zoltan: No this isn't a reboot. It still feels exactly as degenerate.
Jess: Wait, so we just had a really long hiatus? How the fuck are we gonna explain everything?
[Pluto walks in. More applause.]
Pluto: There’s my lovely wife! Also I turn girls lesbian.
[Jess and Pluto kiss. Laugh track.]
Jess: You're a terrible kisser.
Pluto: Well, you’re a terrible ugly.
Jess: Your sentence just made me lesbian.
[Pluto winks at the camera.]
Jingle singers: Pluto: The true lesbianator!
Zoltan: I thought Pluto was Jess’ son.
[Laugh track because incest is funny.]
SpongeBot: Hey, so like, how’s the Elmos?
Zoltan: There's a fifth one on the way soon.
Jess: Wait, you guys procreated 2 new Elmos while I was gone? And a new one coming?
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Also where’s Prim? 
SpongeBot: He died.
[Laugh track because death is funny.]
Zoltan: Actually he’s just in Slovenia.
[cutaway to Prim’s dead body in Slovenia]
Prim: I am dead
[Laugh track. Cut back.]
Zoltan: Or at least that’s what we tell Elmo 4.
SpongeBot: And the other one.
Zoltan: I have ball cancer.
[Laugh track]
Producer: TOO EARLY, WAIT TIL SEASON ONE FINALE.
Zoltan: Welp I guess the ball cancer will have to wait. In the meantime, I need to find a cat to uhh… do fun stuff with.
Peppa Pig narrator: Zoltan wants to have sex with a cat.
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: HEY! Where did you come from?
Peppa Pig narrator: Zoltan is wondering where I came from.
Zoltan: DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE. I KNOW SOME THINGS.
Peppa Pig narrator: Oh dear, it seems Zoltan is threatening me.
Zoltan: YOU’LL BECOME DEADER THAN SUZY SHEEP.
[RIP Suzy Sheep: Gone but never forgotten]
Pluto: Wait, so is Jess still lesbian, because I’m counting this marriage.
Jess: That's up to you.
Pluto: Ugh, I hate making conscious decisions!
[Laugh track. Outside the room we hear someone say something in German.]
Zoltan: THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
Pluto: Hide me!
[Laugh track because Jews haha.]
???: HEIL HITLER!
Zoltan: Oh phew it's just a Hitler stan.
Pluto: That’s a relief.
[The unknown person barges through the door in a Nazi outfit.]
CartoonGuy: Hey guys, how do you like my new husband?
Lemur: I have all the Hitler and Mussolini memorabilia. All of it.
[Laugh track because Hitler is funny.]
Pluto: Mike has some competition now. Don’t tell him about this.
Lemur: Does anyone want a spare copy of Mein Kampf?
SpongeBot: Oh, I’ll take it! I’ve been needing a new bedtime story for the Elmos!
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: I thought we agreed to not read them propaganda after the 9/11 incident.
CartoonGuy: The what now?
Zoltan: You know, the 9/11 incident.
SpongeBot: It was certainly a tragedy… 
Zoltan: It’s a shame really, apart from that we are great parents!
SpongeBot: Yeah!
Zoltan: Now keep smoking so the baby will get AUTISM and we can get loads of MONEY!
[SpongeBot salutes and takes out a cigarette. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Lemur, has CartoonGuy told you anything about us?
Lemur: i knownred faster the red faster
CartoonGuy: Don't mind him, he's just having a stroke.
[Laugh track because strokes are hilarious.]
Zoltan: I have those twice a day! Welcome to the family.
[Laugh track. Group hug]
SpongeBot: Oh f*ck I feel kicking in my belly. Must've been that McDonald's I had for breakfast.
Lemur: I'm no doctor but I think you're pregnant.
SpongeBot: Am I? Hold on a moment.
[SpongeBot goes on her phone and looks up an online pregnancy test.]
SpongeBot: Yeah, yeah, uhh no, and done. It says I ‘’might’’ be pregnant. Come on, give me a yes or no answer!
Zoltan: You should call Dr. Brown Bear.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: And get true professional advice? This is Full Server, not a medical documentary.
Jess: If it's any help, I watch Grey’s Anatomy when my mom is home.
SpongeBot: Tell Grey to get back to the kitchen.
[Laugh track because women.]
Zoltan: The last time we had sex was only a few days ago.
Elmo 4: Daddy? What’s-
Zoltan: WHO LET YOU OUT OF YOUR ROOM?
Elmo 4: [cry]
Zoltan: [punch baby]
[Elmo 4 cry more]
Zoltan: you deserve pain
SpongeBot: you are too mean
Pluto: Wait, I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s something else that happened.
Jess: Beats me.
Pluto: Maybe it’ll come to me sooner or later.
Dan: (from off-screen) I HEARD CUM!
[Dan enters, spawning cheers from the audience]
Dan: Yeah, that's right! I jacked off to Timmy Turner!
[Laugh track because attraction to children is hilarious.]
Zoltan: Only in the Full Server.
SpongeBot: Agh! I feel pain!
Zoltan: Same.
SpongeBot: No, like… pregnancy pain! I think I'm in labor!
Zoltan: But it's three whole months after Labor Day!
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Normally, this would be an “Understandable, have a nice day” moment, but this seriously hurts.
Pluto: THAT’S WHAT I WAS FORGETTING. Yeah, I sexxed someone. Is that how you say it?
SpongeBot: You mean you're not a virgin? Huh, who knew.
Jess: shit
Pluto: That’s right mates, I join the sad exclusive club of Non-Virgins.
SpongeBot: Damn it now I wanna join!
Pluto: Like unfucking the Christmas turkey, that cannot be done.
[Laugh track.]
Jess: Weren’t you in labor?
SpongeBot: Oh right. OW IT HURTS!
[Dr. Brown Bear enters. Audience cheers.]
Dr. Brown Bear: Hello, everybody.
Daddy Pig: Dr. Brown Bear! You came here so quickly!
Dr. Brown Bear: I did?
Daddy Pig: Yeah! It only took 5 minutes!
Dr. Brown Bear: Good golly, the commute from my home planet is well fast these days innit bruv. So what’s the problem?
SpongeBot: I’m preggers.
[Laugh track.]
Elmo 4: [walks into scene.] Daddy, I- WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m Doctor Brown Bear.
Daddy Pig: And I’m Daddy Pig!
Elmo 4: Oh okay.
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Despite making up 13% of the population-
Lemur: Hubby, there is a child here.
CartoonGuy: You're literally in a nazi outfit.
Lemur: oh yeah I forgot.
[Laugh track.]
Dr. Brown Bear: I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.
SpongeBot: THE BABY
Liz: DABABY?
DaBaby: I hate gay people.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: NO LIZ I AM PREGNANT
Pluto: So is my wife, y’all can relate to each other now.
SpongeBot: oh shit
[Elmo 5 just suddenly pops out of SpongeBot. Laugh track.]
Zoltan: MY BABY!
SpongeBot: OUR BABY!
[USSR anthem plays for 3 seconds.]
Jess: MY SIBLING!
Zoltan’s Mum: MY GRANDCHILD!
Pluto: I don’t even know who this is.
Dr. Brown Bear: IT’S A BOY!
SpongeBot: Actually I think it’s a girl.
[Zoltan starts crossing out the words on his “it’s a boy” banner he was just putting up. Laugh track.]
Elmo 5: Can I say the R slur?
Jess: AW! HER FIRST WORDS!
Pluto: Sorry, little Elmo, I don’t think Fandom will appreciate people saying r*****.
Fandom: YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Also we hate gay people too.
DaBaby: Lesss goooo
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Dr. Brown Bear, before you go, do I have an S*D?
Dr. Brown Bear: I have no idea. 
Pluto: oh
Jess: what the fuck is this episode
Dr. Brown Bear: Anyway, I must go now. My home planet needs me!
[Dr. Brown Bear blasts off in his space rocket. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: What an odd fellow.
Pluto: He steams a good ham though.
[Laugh track because dead memes are tight.]
Liz: Wanna know a fun fact?
SpongeBot: Sure.
Liz: Despite only making up 13 percent-
SpongeBot: I already know that Liz. Everyone knows that black-.
Pluto: COMMERCIAL BREAK.
[Commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Hey, tell me something, there’s a delicious Subway food montage going on right behind me isn’t there? Yep I can smell it. Well that’s gonna make it kinda hard to focus but here we go. An Ode to the Subway feast, Turkey, Salami, Cheese with Roast beef, Pepperoni and Ham, write this down, Chief. We got them all on freshly baked bread, the Subway feast, it’s as big as my head. Beat that Jared. (laugh) Subway, Eat Fresh!
[End of commercial break. Applause and cheers.]
Elmo 5: I have autism.
[Laugh track.]
Liz: Aw… just like her parents.
Aaron: Welcome to the club, kid.
Elmo 5: yay
Pluto: Now what fucked up thing can we introduce? Oh yeah. Jess, tell them the big news.
Jess: Oh yeah. Granite saw a Ron’s Gone Wrong bus poster the other day!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: The other big news!
Jess: Oh, I’m preggers!
Pluto: I meant the Scott Pilgrim TV show but that works too.
SpongeBot: My daughter announced she was pregnant the same day my new baby was born? I guess this is a double celebration then!
[Grim Reaper walks in.]
Grim: Sorry SpongeBot, but you’re dead.
[laugh track]
Jess: wait wut
Grim: Yeah, she gave birth so hard that she fucking died.
Zoltan: MY WIFE!
Jess: MY MUM!
Aaron: MY DAUGHTER!
Grim: You know how you all told SpongeBot to smoke so Elmo 5 would have autism? Well, turns out smoking is kinda bad for you. Who would have thought? Anyway I’m gonna collect her soul now. Have a nice day everyone!
Pluto: Bye, SpongeBot. Don’t hit your head on the door as you die.
[SpongeBot’s head hits the doorframe as the Grim Reaper drags her dead body out of the house]
Pluto: Fuck.
Jess: Should we hold a funeral?
Zoltan: Nah, I'm not really in the mood.
[Laugh track.]
Liz: She was your wife.
Zoltan: Yeah so?
[Laugh track]
Pluto: You rammed her to the point where she died of childbirth. This is like the Oregon Trail!
Liz: I'd prefer to call it the Organ Trail at this point.
Dan: More like Orgasm Trail.
The guy who says who else but Quagmire: Who else but Dan?
[Laugh track.]
Zoltan: Now that my wife is dead, who will make dinner?
[Elmo 4 walks in dressed as a chef]
Elmo 4: Me! Me! Me!
Zoltan: I would rather be dead. Males do not work in the kitchen.
Chef Boyardee: Fuck-a you, a-Zoltan.
Zoltan: Wait, I know who can revive SpongeBot! ELMO 5!
[Elmo 5 walks in]
Elmo 5: Yes, daddy?
Zoltan: Try reviving mommy with your autism powers!
Elmo 5: Okay!
[Elmo 5 says some gibberish and nothing happens]
Zoltan: Okay, we need someone else.
[Zoltan calls up Dr. Brown Bear]
Zoltan: Hello? Oh good morning Doctor. So the woman who gave birth earlier is now dead.
[Dr. Brown Bear’s space rocket crashes through the house. He jumps out.]
Dr. Brown Bear: WHAT?!
[Laugh track]
Dead Squidward: I just woke up what is happening?
Zoltan: My wife gave birth, but I told her to smokes lots and lots of cigarettes so the baby would be autism, and the baby was born happy and healthy and very autism which is good because we wanted autism baby is we could get its of autism money but it turns out that smoking is bad for you and now SpongeBot is dead.
Dead Squidward: God I hate when that happens.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: Doctor Brown Bear, could you please bring SpongeBot back to life.
Dr. Brown Bear: I… I haven’t done this in a long time, but I will try my best. I am a doctor after all.
Liz: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Brown Bear: Okay, here goes… يسوع يمارس الجنس مع المسيح كريستيان دان! كان هذا ما قلته كيف أن مجتمع هو في الغالب عدد كبير من الأشخاص المثليين ، في المفهوم. هل لم تتلاعب بقراءة كيف قلت "إن في تعني الأشخاص المتحولين جنسياً و تعني الأشخاص الذين يتساءلون عن جنسهم أو حياتهم الجنسية ،"؟ ما هو الخطأ معك؟ !! كل شيء تحاول قوله إنني أجادل لأنني قدمت مطالبات ضد !!! ما هذا اللعنة يا رجل ؟! أنت الوحيد الذي لا يزال يحاول متابعة هذه الحجة الغبية! أنا حتى لا أحاول الجدال معك! يسوع
Dead Squidward: I’M ALIVE! AHHHH! I’M NOT DEAD SQUIDWARD ANYMORE! I’M JUST…. REGULAR SQUIDWARD!
Peppa Pig narrator: Oh dear, it seems that Doctor Brown Bear has revived the wrong person.
Dr. Brown Bear: Dammit, now they might revoke my medicinal license. 
Jess: QUICK! REVIVE SpongeBot TOO!
Dr. Brown Bear: I can’t. I can only revive one person at a time. So goodbye everybody, I’m on the run again.
[Dr. Brown Bear is blasting off again…]
Pluto: Just like Jimmy Neutron. God, this is awesome.
Elmo 3: GOD DOES NOT EXIST. ONLY SCIENCE!!
[Laugh track.]
Squidward: Wait, what is happening?
[Squidward dies.]
Dead Squidward: Damn it, I’m dead again.
[Laugh track]
[SpongeFun and PoopFan slowly walk in.]
PoopFan: We just had hot sex.
SpongeFun: Where’s SpongeBot?
Zoltan: Dead.
SpongeFun: WHAT?!
Jess: Yeah, she had too many fags.
[Note to FANDOM: that means cigarettes please don’t kill us]
Pluto: I mean, according to my exes, you can’t have too many of them.
Aaron: Did SpongeBot have sex with CrazySponge?
CrazySponge: NO! I’M NOT GAY!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear, it seems like Aidan is refusing his sexuality again.
Aaron: SpongeBot is a woman.
[laugh track because women]
SpongeFun: To remember Paige, we have created these brand new NFTs featuring her. Sign up now at https://bit.ly/3AlNyS6 to invest!
Dead Squidward: NFTs?!
Mike: I love those!
CrazySponge: SpongeBot, legally as a bp employee you cannot die so you can work forever so i demand you come back to life immediately!
[silence]
Zoltan: That didn’t work.
[Dr. Brown Bear comes back dressed as a cult leader]
Dr. Brown Bear: I HAVE HAD AN IDEA!
Zoltan: OOH! Does it involve Satan?
Dr. Brown Bear: Yes, actually.
Zoltan: Elmo 3, this is your type of thing.
Elmo 3: [comes down stairs] Dearest father, you requested that I use my intellect to help Doctor of Medicine Ursus Arctos to summon the demon from within?
Zoltan: yeah
Dr. Brown Bear: Okay, time for the ritual. VNZM BOLSMF IFLB VHRZIK OOZSH VD OOVS MR HR GR HZ SGIZV ML VMLW VY OORD BSG VNLX NLWTMRP BSG MZGZH ORZS MZGZH ORZS
Elmo 3: HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN THY KINGDOM COME THY WILL BE DONE
Elmo 4: Neppah ot evlewt-enin esuac llahs ew esle ro rehtom evarg eht morf kcab emoc.
Zoltan: Go away Elmo 4, you non-satanic Muppet.
[Laugh track]
Dr. Brown Bear: ZH RG RHD FRGOREJGW GJWORGW
Pluto: Jesus Christ, that took up a good paragraph.
Dr. Brown Bear: HAIL SATAN!
[SpongeBot comes back from death]
SpongeBot: Hi!
Jess: My mum!
Aaron: My daughter!
Zoltan: My dinner maker!
Pluto: Stop showing the camera to me during these emotional times.
[laugh track, and then a group hug ensued.]
SpongeBot: I’m so glad I’m alive again!
Zoltan: Yeah, me too! This is the best family ever.
Elmo 5: We are happy family.
SpongeBot: Aww. That’s cute.
Zoltan: You know, all of this happiness makes me have to piss, I’ll be right back everyone.
TO BE CONTINUED…
[Credits roll as song plays]
Despite making up only 13% of the population
Blacks commit 53% of the crime
#BlueLivesMatter
The Covid vaccine was made by satan
don we now our gay apparel
There are only 2 gender
And I also hate women
They belong in the kitchen!
There is evidence of fraud in the 2020 election
Trump is our true president!
The government can't force me to get vaccinated
Literally 1984.
Trump was actually reelected
STOP THE STEAL!
Woman shouldn't have the right to vote
They should stay in the kitchen
Autism has become an epidemic
Don't get the Covid vaccine!
Merry Christmas to our true president
DONALD J. TRUMP!
Blacks commit the most crime!
Women belong in the kitchen!
The Covid vaccine
is made by
SATAN!
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