Episode 413: Dizzy Gillespie/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 413: Dizzy Gillespie.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door. Music played on a jaw harp is heard.
Scooter	Dizzy Gillespie? Dizzy Gillespie, fifteen seconds to curtain, Dizzy!
 	Dizzy is shown playing with a marionette of a horse.
Scooter	Oh, uh. Say, Diz. Kermit does have one rule for this show.
Dizzy 	What's that?
 	
Scooter	No puppets allowed.
Dizzy 	What? (tosses puppet away) Guess I have to play the trumpet then?
 	Dizzy picks up his trumpet as Scooter laughs.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dizzy Gillespie! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	Statler's seat is empty.
Waldorf	(shrugs) Poor Statler. He couldn't take it any more.
 	
 	Gonzo plays a racing fanfare, then laughs.
==Opening number==
 	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to another one! Uh, we call these things "Muppet Shows," and we call tonight's Muppet Show a good one, and that's because our very special guest star is the amazing master of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf will have a good time.
Waldorf	Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
Kermit 	Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
Waldorf	No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
Kermit 	(grimaces) Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
Waldorf	Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
Kermit 	No kidding? I've always wanted to meet your wife.
 	
 	Waldorf's wife, Astoria, arrives and takes her seat in the box. She bears a striking resemblance to someone...
Astoria	I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
Waldorf	(stammering) That's Kermit, dear.
Kermit 	What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
Waldorf	Astoria!
Kermit 	(grimacing to the camera) It figures.
Astoria	C'mon, kill the small talk! Isn't there any music on this show?
Kermit 	Oh, yes indeed, Astoria! Uh, uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie, we present an all-jazz evening, starting with-
Astoria	Can the commentary! (to the orchestra) Hit it, boys! One, two three..
 	
 	A Fish Singer sings "Blue Fish Blues," backed up the Gills Brothers.
Astoria	Now, let me get this straight. This is a typical show, right, Waldorf?
Waldorf	Well, I'd say so, Astoria, my dear.
Astoria	Hm. First a frog talks, and then a fish sings.
Waldorf	Mmm-hmmm. I wanted you to see for yourself. I bet you thought I came here to have a good time! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	The fish walk offstage. A man approaches Kermit's desk carrying a tiny device.
Kermit	Okay, nicely done, fish.
LaBrea	Are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	Uh, yeah.
LaBrea	Well, I'm Inspector LaBrea, County Environmental Department?
Kermit	Oh?
 	LaBrea sets the device down on the desk.
LaBrea	I'm gonna the loudness level on your show. You see, there have been some complaints about the noise.
Kermit	Too much noise on our show? Uh, wha-what kind of noise?
LaBrea	Certainly not applause and laughter! (laughs)
Kermit	(sarcastically) Ha-ha.
LaBrea	Ya' see, music is your big problem. Let me show ya'.
Kermit	What?
 	LaBrea pulls out and plays a loud note. The machine's alarm goes off and flashes, very loudly.
Kermit	(yelling over the noise) You're concerned about noise, huh?!
LaBrea	Wha?!
 	LaBrea turns the machine off as Kermit yells.
Kermit	I say, you're concerned about noise?! Uh...
LaBrea	Yeah, yeah.
Kermit	(stammers) It's the music, so, huh?
LaBrea	Uh, yes. Ya' see, your strings are okay. But the brass, especially the trumpet, is murder.
Fozzie	(walking in) Uh...oh, terrific. Kermit, hey, it's time to introduce Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea	Who?
Kermit	(stammers) Uh, uh, Izzy Gilleskie, uh, one of the world's greatest violinists.
Fozzie	"Izzy G..."-what are you talking about, violinists? You know Dizzy plays...
 	Kermit silences Fozzie by kicking him in the leg. He hops and screams in pain.
Fozzie	Oh Ker- why did you do that?
 	
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, why-why don't you take the noise inspector -- NOISE inspector LaBrea down to the canteen for a cup of coffee?
Fozzie	...gotcha! Got-ah-ha! Uh, let's go sir.
LaBrea	Uh, yeah.
Fozzie	(whispering) Gotcha.
 	Kermit hums to himself as he takes the inspector's device and stashes it under his desk, then heads to the stage.
=="St. Louis Blues"==
 	Kermit enters the stage to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, one of the living legends of jazz is with us tonight. Uh, there's no sense talking about it when we could be listening. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
 	
 	Dizzy sings "St. Louis Blues," backed up by the Electric Mayhem. He takes a break to play the trumpet and lead the band in some clapping.
Waldorf	Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?
Astoria	Well, not too bad.
Waldorf	Hm-hmm.
Astoria	I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.
Waldorf	You can?
Astoria	By the way, how much do they pay you?
Waldorf	(stammers) Pay me?
Astoria	Of course! Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing? (laughs)
Waldorf	(laughs nervously) ...gobble, gobble.
==Bench==
 	Zoot and Floyd sit on a city sidewalk bench, playing a jazz riff. Slim Wilson happens by.
 	
Slim 	Hey, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?
 	
Floyd	Practice, man. Practice. (laughs with Zoot)
Zoot 	The old ones are the best ones.
 	Slim shakes his head and leaves.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit places the device back on his desk. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit, hey I'm sorry. I-I didn't know he was a noise inspector.
Kermit	Aw, that's okay. He's perfectly safe down in the canteen.
Fozzie	That's what you think. The Chef is mashing potatoes on his anvil.
 	Said sound is heard in the background as Kermit sighs. Floyd and Zoot enter in the distance, as LaBrea runs through, screaming and being chased by the Swedish Chef, brandishing a frying pan.
Floyd 	Man, I thought they'd never leave. (laughs)
Kermit	Yeah. Uh, uh, enough of these musician jokes. That guy's an inspector. He's recording the show.
Zoot 	Hm, groovy. Maybe we'll make the charts. (exits with Floyd)
Kermit	It's not that kind of recording!
 	LaBrea runs back in, out of breath. The Chef is heard in the distance.
LaBrea	Oh, that guy's a maniac!
Kermit	I know, but he doesn't make much noise.
LaBrea	(sighs)
 	
 	Suddenly, the Swedish Chef pops up behind him and socks LaBrea over the head with his frying pan. The inspector screams as he passes out, setting the machine off. The Chef laughs to himself, leaving Kermit distraught.
==Bench==
 	
 	Back on the bench, Floyd naps as Zoot looks on. A car is heard skidding down the street, along with sirens, until it crashes. The sound wakes up Floyd. Ambulance lights flash on the wall.
 	
Floyd	Oh. Hey, man. What was that?
Zoot 	B flat.
 	Zoot plays the note on his saxophone and the two laugh.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on the flashing, "EMERGENCY" sign above the door. Nurse Piggy walks in, yawning.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
 	Piggy approaches the table, where a male pig is laying.
Pig 	Miss Piggy!
Piggy 	Hm?
 	
Pig 	I'm back and you've gotta know - I love you, I love you, I love you!
Piggy 	(yawns) Only three times? Last week, you loved me four times.
Pig 	I've been sick! (laughs, Piggy coyly joins)
 	Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice enter.
Rowlf 	Hey, just a minute! Are you back again? I've already taken out your appendix and your tonsils. What's the matter now?!
Pig 	Dr. Bob, I love Miss Piggy!
Rowlf 	I see...prepare the patient for brain surgery! (all laugh but Piggy)
Piggy 	Watch it, doc. This patient has good taste.
Rowlf 	Oh yeah? Then, why does he have me for a doctor?! (all laugh)
Janice 	"Brain surgery?" Are you serious, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	No, I'm "Comical Dr. Bob!" "Serious Dr. Bob" was my brother, the comedian. (all laugh)
Piggy 	You have a brother who's a comedian?
Rowlf 	Well, I did, until he fell into a vat of molten optical glass!
Pig 	What happened?
Rowlf 	He made a spectacle of himself! (all laugh) Okay! Okay, this week, we will take out the patient's snew.
Piggy 	What-what's "snew?"
Rowlf 	Nothin'. What-snew with you?! (all laugh but Janice)
Janice 	Ewww. That's an old joke!
Rowlf 	Yeah, well, it-snew to me! (all laugh)
Pig 	Hey, hey, Miss Piggy. Please tell me you love me because we've gotta stop meetin' like this.
Piggy 	Why?
Pig 	I'm running out of vital organs! (all laugh)
Announcer	And so, we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf 	It's about time!
Announcer	Tune in next time when we'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	Prepare for surgery!
Piggy 	Dr. Bob, are you really going to remove his brain?
Rowlf 	No, something much more vital than that.
Piggy 	You mean?
Rowlf 	Yes - his wallet! (all laugh) Ah, yes! Here we go!
==UK spot==
 	Kermit comes onstage to applause and fanfare.
Kermit 	Ta-da! Uh, thank you. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here we present Geri and the Atrics! Yaaay! (curtains open)
 	
Pianist	One, two, three, and...
 	Geri and the Atricts perform "Do Wah Diddy Diddy."
=="Little Bit of Dis"==
 	
 	Dizzy, Floyd and Zoot perform "Little Bit of Dis."
Astoria	Oh, honestly, Waldorf. I don't understand you. Why do you come here and put up with this irritating, mindless, incessant nonsense when you could stay home with me?
Waldorf	Eh, no comment.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit inspects LaBrea's device as he enters with pad and pencil in hand.
LaBrea	Uh, Mr. Frog?
Kermit	Uh, ahem. (releases the device)
LaBrea	Mr. Frog, do you have a permit to keep livestock?
Kermit	Uh, livestock?
LaBrea	Uh, yes. When I was backstage, I noticed... (clears throat)... sixteen chickens, six horses, four goats, eight hogs...
 	Miss Piggy enters and makes her way between the two.
Piggy 	Oh, excuse moi. (dry laugh) Uh, Kermie, may I speak with vous, uh, incognito?
 	Piggy walks further away from the two.
Kermit	Sure, wherever you want. E-Excuse us a second.
LaBrea	Uh, yeah.
 	Kermit goes next to Piggy.
Piggy 	This the inspector you want me to charm?
Kermit	Yeah, but I don't think this is a particularly good time.
Piggy 	Oh, Kermie, mon cherie, do not worry about a thing. Ahem.
 	Piggy waves and approaches LaBrea.
Piggy 	Yoo-hoo! Uh, I do not believe that we have met.
LaBrea	Uh, no we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.
 	
Piggy 	Ooh! Kermie, you silly. You did not tell me the inspector was such a handsome man. Uh, as you know, I am Miss Piggy.
LaBrea	Right. Add to that list, one sow.
Piggy 	...what?
LaBrea	Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha ha ha ha.
Kermit	(stammering) Uh, Piggy, uh...
Piggy 	Oh yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yaah!
 	Piggy karate chops him, sending him flying across the room. The device goes off again.
Piggy 	Oh, shut up!
 	The device silences and Piggy storms off.
==Bench==
 	
 	Animal joins Zoot and Floyd by the bench, making a drumset out of the fire hydrant and trashcans. They start jamming together.
Animal	Yeah! Yeah!
 	A window above opens, where an old woman (Mary Louise) appears.
Woman 	Hey! Hey you, down there! Hey!
 	The musicians stop playing.
 	
Woman 	Do you know there's a littl' old lady sleepin' up here?!
 	
Zoot 	No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it! (laughs with Floyd)
Animal	(singing) There's a little lady sleeping up here!
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Kermit steps out onstage to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Ta-da! Uh, thank you. And now, have I got good news for you.
Astoria	That inspector is closing the show!
Kermit 	No.
Astoria	Then, you don't have good news for us.
Kermit 	Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.
Waldorf	Why not? She's a geezer-ess! (laughs, until Astoria socks him) Ooo!
Kermit 	Okay, so welcome if you will, the Muppet Show's own cute and clownish, cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtains open and the crowd applauds. Fozzie is seen rolling his arms around until stepping upstage.
Fozzie 	Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah, hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Ahhh! Hey, did you hear the one about the lady who went to the psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." And the doctor says, "Well, don't worry about it." And the woman said...
Astoria	..."I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake!" (laughs with Waldorf) Very funny!
Fozzie 	...uh, yeah. Um, moving right along. Alright, same lady, right? Good. Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a transistor radio." And the doctor says, "Well, have him come in. We'll talk about it." And the woman says...
Astoria	...""He can't talk, his batteries are dead!" (both laugh) Oh, this guys is a riot! (continues laughing)
Fozzie 	I am?
 	
Astoria	Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!
Waldorf	Yaay!
 	The crowd applauds in response.
Fozzie 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a very funny audience, I've really enjoyed listening to you, aah! (aside) What happened? Where did I go right? (exits)
Astoria	I thought he'd never leave! (both laugh)
==Bench==
 	Back at the bench, Zoot and Floyd play their jazz riff, when a man comes up behind the bench.
 	
Man 	Uh, 'scuse me. Eh, cross town buses run all night?
 	
Floyd and Zoot	(a-la "Camptown Races") Doo-dah, doo-dah!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and LaBrea, machine in hand, are at his desk.
LaBrea	Well, what's next on the show?
Kermit	(checking his rundown) Uh, just the, uh, closing musical number.
 	
LaBrea	Uh, no trumpets, right? Because if this thing goes off one more time...
Kermit	I know, I know, you're gonna cancel the show! Uh, no, it's just a, um, well, it's, uh... it's just an encore by our, our violinist.
LaBrea	Oh yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay, I'm gonna stay here and watch him.
Kermit	(gulps) Right here?
LaBrea	Yeah, what's his name? Uh, uh, Izzy something? Uh, uh...
Kermit	(sighs) No, in actuality, it's... it's Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea	Dizzy Gillespie?! (Kermit nods.) That's terrific!
Kermit	It is?
LaBrea	Yeah!
Kermit	Wha-b-but, he plays trumpet.
LaBrea	He sure does. The guy's my all-time favorite!
Kermit	Huh?
LaBrea	Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in with him. I play a little saxophone.
Kermit	Gee, well, uh, why, fine, if you-you'll forget your recorder there.
LaBrea	Uh, what recorder?
 	LaBrea slides the recorded off the desk. It crashes on the floor. Kermit chuckles and heads for the stage.
==Closing number==
 	Kermit enters the stage.
Kermit	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's jazz time again. And joining our guest star on this final session is Inspector LaBrea, the Swinging Civil Servant. Ahem. Uh, and here he is, our guest star with one of his great tunes, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!
 	
 	In a Middle Eastern palace, Dizzy sings "Swing Low Sweet Cadillac" as he plays the bongos and later, the trumpet. He's joined by Animal, Janice, Floyd, Sopwith the Camel, a sultan, two harem girls and LaBrea, who plays saxophone during the instrumental portion.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Okay, well, we've done just about all we wanted to do except to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of the giants of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
 	The crowd applauds as Dizzy enters, bowing.
Dizzy 	Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know how much I admire you frogs.
Kermit 	You-you admire us frogs?
Dizzy 	Yeah yeah.
Kermit 	Why is that?
Dizzy 	Because you all can do this.
 	
 	Dizzy blows up his cheeks. Kermit is aghast.
Kermit 	I can't do that! All I can do is say we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! How did you do that? Oh, that's wonderful!
Fozzie 	(entering) Hey!
 	Beauregard, Scooter and various Muppets from the closing number surround Dizzy as the closing theme plays.
 	
Waldorf and Astoria	Boo!
 	LaBrea's monitor begins blaring as he enters their theater box, still in costume.
LaBrea 	That does it! The show is cancelled!
 	Waldorf and Astoria cheer as LaBrea sighs and shakes his head.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts