Strong Bad Email No. 207 (Original Version)

===== DISCLAIMER: The following creepypasta is a rewrite of Dibbingsauce’s “Lost Homestar Runner Cartoon.”Lost Homestar Runner Cartoon This was NOT made to replace their original pasta, just wanted to make my own version since it intrigued me. If they are reading this, hi! Enjoy the rewrite hehe =====
Occasionally on April Fools Day, the flash cartoon webseries Homestar Runner would upload a rather jokey Strong Bad Email to coincide with everyone else’s pranks. For those not in the know, the site’s semi-mascot Strong Bad would check and comment on emails he gets sent in from fans. The series went on hiatus after “Videography” in 2009. It would return on April 1st, 2015 with the upload of “Sbemail 206,” where Strong Bad rants about how April Fools on the internet isn’t the same as real life occassions, right before pranking his neighbors. This would become the only Sbemail fans would get for 2 years until “Too Cool” in August of 2017. However, that wasn’t the original plan for the episode. 
On August 22nd, 2017, a week after the release of Too Cool, the Strong Bad Twitter account (the official account for Homestar Runner, @StrongBadActual) posted a tweet with the following:
“Found this weird file in my emails the other day. I think someone a year ago plagiarized the one I looked at a week ago. How was that even possible ago?! [link]”
Attached to it was a now-archived google doc link. It was labeled “sbemail207script_scariest_archive.” When digging into its details and activity, followers discovered that it was created on February 27th, 2016. Additionally, they noticed that some of the topics covered were suspiciously more mature than usual. There have been comedic references to violent topics in emails before, mainly due to Strong Bad’s interests being crass. What’s mentioned this script, however, has more of a malicious edge to them. It also had comments from series co-creator Matt Chipman, explaining how it came to be. For now, I’ll mention the first listed: this was supposed to be the April Fools Sbemail for 2016, as they originally planned them to be a yearly tradition. The joke was that it was an early Halloween special, long before the actual special, “Later That Night.” Furthermore, some scenes of the script would go on to be used in the finalized Sbemail. The following is the transcript to the scrapped version of Sbemail no. 207, dubbed “Scariest Movie”:
The cartoon starts with Strong Bad checking his email on his Lappier and singing a little jingle as he usually does. He would then read the following email, commenting on it.
“yooooo. strong bad!”
Strong Bad: Hey, word of advice: stop usin’ periods as yer commas, ya hear? Ya learned this in the first grade!
He would say this using a fake southern accent to mimic how bossy parents would sound. He then went back to reading the email in his normal voice.
“what is the most scariest movie you’ve ever seen? mine is the one with the knife guy. i gues it was on haloween or something haha
kyle s.”
Strong Bad: Really, Kyles? The best scariest movie you’ve seen just had a guy with a knife? That’s not scariest at all! That’s just… scary! If you want a REAL scariest movie, just take my answer to your query! Well, it’s not really a movie so to speak, just a video someone sent me once. A video… sent from an email! An email from this very computer, in fact! I remember it just like yesterday…
Strong Bad would gleefully sigh and turn his back as he said it, reminicing the video. It would flashback to the day before, with him in the same pose for comedic effect.
Strong Bad: Alright, enough stretching.
He would then check the following email:
“ Dear Strong Bad,
Heard you like rated-r movies, so I got this for you to watch
Enjoy :)”
Strong Bad, excitedly: [gasps] Another r-rated movie?? For me?! Oh you shouldn’t have! [back to his normal voice again] I’ve been needing another ever since I finished my Stab Addict binge!
He would click a link attached to the email, pulling up an MP4 file. The video in question, animated for consistency, would’ve previewed several people sitting in chairs in a dark, grey room. They were all tied to them with ropes, with bags stapled to their faces so they wouldn’t be recognized. The bags were labeled with the names of cuts of meat you’d find on a pig diagram: ham, loin, jowl, foot, etc. Additionally, none of them were moving.
Strong Bad: Ooooo, spooky! Must be one of those weird cannibal movies Bubs keeps selling for dirt cheap, right next to all the bargain bin romance movies. Blegh.
In the video, a man would show up in front of the camera after Strong Bad’s comment. He’d be dressed in a chef’s uniform, covered in blood.
Strong Bad: Oh hoho, now we’re talkin’! He’s lookin’ prepared for some mincemeat!
The man would talk about sharing a recipe for a full Thanksgiving feast, albeit only made out of people. He would then grab both a knife and a pistol from an off-camera table, saying that the latter is just for “good measure.”
Strong Bad: OHHHH getting interesting now, aren’t we? This may just SURPASS Stab Addict!
The cartoon would’ve cut to behind the Lappier, censoring what was going on in the video. Audio of the chef cutting into one of the people would play, grinding into their stomach for “ingredients.” He also would grab into said stomach for their organs. The victim jolted awake once he was stabbed, screaming and gurgling as this was happening. While it made Strong Bad slightly wince, he reveled in the gore he was seeing.
Strong Bad: OOH! Quite the cannibalizing there, pal!… Why did Enjoy Smiley Face say that this was just r-rated? This is triple-r-rated! [glances to the viewer] I saw a bit of breakfast, that’s how I know. [winks at the viewer before continuing to watch]
The man was giving the other people the exact same treatment in the video. The last in the row screamed the most out of all the victims. When the man got to him, he immediately shot him to shut him up, before disembowling him like the rest.
Strong Bad: Aww, just one shot? I wanted a whole dang shootout here! 
Strong Bad would then notice a notification in the bottom right corner, playing a little jingle over the video. He paused it to check the email. The cartoon cut back to his point of view. The second email was a reply from the same anonymous user that sent him the link.
“It’s real.”
Strong Bad: I mean… yeah? Adoy? It’s a movie, isn’t it? Why wouldn’t it look real? Those practical organs must’ve taken weeks to make!
What Strong Bad seemingly didn’t realize was that someone sent him a shock video. His reactions made it look like he was used to movies like it, while still being shocked because of the contents. The cartoon would then cut to him typing in the present day again. 
Strong Bad: See, Kyles? THAT is a scariest movie! Maybe even the scariest-y movie of all time! But I couldn’t just keep it to myself, no siree. I had to, well… get a little “peer review,” wink wink, nudge nudge.
The cartoon would cut to another flashback, showing Strong Bad setting up a comical amount of adapters that would go from his Lappier all the way to his living room TV. Strong Sad, Strong Mad, and Homestar were all eagerly waiting for him to get it to work.
Strong Sad: So why exactly did you invite us to watch you set up cables again, Strong Bad?
Strong Bad: You’re not here just for the cables! I just thought, y’know, we’d have a little brotherly-and-also-Homestar movie night together! A little something nice for once, eh?
Strong Mad: YOU DIDN’T MENTION MOVIES!!!!
Strong Bad: Oh, right, sorry about that. I, uh-
Homestar: You didn’t even have to, Stwong Bad!
Homestar was sitting on the floor, already half-way through eating popcorn kernels out of an unpopped bag. He was anticipating what Strong Bad had to show off. 
Strong Bad: Oh, uh, well then. I was just about to say I only told Bubs.
Strong Mad: OF COURSE YOU DID!!!!!
Strong Bad would pull out a walkie talkie and tell Bubs to start the video.
Strong Bad, mimicking the static sounds: Come in Bubs, start the show!
Bubs: Static, rodger that!… Static.
Bubs would press play on the video from upstairs. A white dot would appear over the adapters and move all the way to the TV, signifyig that the video made it to the living room. The cartoon would then cut back to the living room. The video’s audio would cut to the part where the man disemboweled the first victim. Strong Sad and Strong Mad were freaked out by this, attempting to shield both their eyes and ears.
Strong Sad: D…Did I just see someone’s lunch…?!!! Strong Bad, what is wr-
Strong Mad: TOO MUCH SCREAMING, TOO MUCH SCREAMING!!!!
Meanwhile, Strong Bad and Homestar would watch the video as if it were a normal movie. Homestar especially was excited to watch something like this for the first time.
Homestar: This is so exciting, my fiwst wated-r movie! Today, I am become a man! 
He would take out a seasoning shaker and coat his lips with it, trying to emulate a stubble.
Strong Sad: Strong Bad… what sides of the internet have you been on recently?! Those are real people dying in this! What is wrong with you?!!
Strong Bad: What? I was just given this thingy by a kind man offering me another breakfast-piercing-bulleting movie to add to my collection. You’ve seen Axe-Gun, right? It’s like that.
Strong Sad: No I haven’t, and vehemently choose not to! And besides, you can’t just collect random things you find on the internet, especially something as vile as this!
Strong Bad: Well I vehicle-mentally choose not to listen to you! This here is some quality triple-rated-r cinema, YOU just don’t get it!
Strong Bad and Strong Sad would start bickering at each other while the video kept playing. Homestar is still trying to eat his kernals, while Strong Mad is looking away in fear. The former would comedically offer the latter some of his kernals, right before the scene would cut back to the present day again. Strong Bad would start typing again.
Strong Bad: Yea that movie night pretty much ended in disaster. I spent nearly the whole hour arguing with Strong Sad about how it was “immoral” to watch those kinds of movies. He even put his foot down on triple-r-rated movies altogether. However… what he doesn’t know is that I still have it saved right here on my email! Kyles, people of the world… pretty much everyone, what you’re about to see is the world premier of said scariest-y movie of all time! Get your vomit bags ready, people, I’m about to take you on the goriest ride ever!
Strong Bad would attempt to pull up the anonymous email, only to instead get the DELETED! prompt on his screen.
Strong Bad: HUBBA-WHA?! I DIDN’T DELETE THAT! I THOUGHT I HAD IT SAVED!
Bubs: That’s what you think, Strong Bad!
The cartoon would pan out to reveal Bubs standing next to the desk in the same spot where he was at movie night. He even went out of his way to move his stand into his house.
Strong Bad: Wh- Bubs?!!! You’re still here?!
Bubs: Correct you are! I set up shop here during your little movie session. And while I was here, I decided to get rid’da that horrible film you had playing! You know I can’t sell that!
Strong Bad: But you sell triple-r-rated movies all the time! What makes this any different?
Bubs: Y’see, Strong Bad, the stuff I sell is all fake! The guts you see in that is just a lotta practical stuff, sometimes even CGI! The stuff you’ve got is just real, and it’s awful.
Strong Bad: Oh. Well… that last part was mentioned by that email guy, too. Ah well…
Strong Bad would disappointedly sigh and turn back to his screen, lamenting that his new favorite video is gone. He then comments one more time to his current email.
Strong Bad: Welp, sorry folks. That movie just went out back and went to rated-r heaven. Although… I can always just-
Bubs: I blocked his email, too.
Strong Bad: WHAT?!!!
The cartoon would end there, leaving a cue for the paper to come down if it were animated. The transcript ended there, too. To the side of the last few lines of dialogue was one of the aforementioned comments by Matt. This one was much longer than the one at the beginning. It would go on to explain how the cartoon came to be, shocking fans with the story he had to tell. The comment reads as follows:
“So… that was dark, wasn’t it? Strong Bad just watches a gore video. That’s not our usual style of humor, I know. Here’s the thing about that, though. It was actually based on a little incident that happened to us a year ago. Around November of 2015, the Strong Bad email account was sent a threatening message from an anonymous user. It told us that if we didn’t release Stinkoman level 10 before the year ends, something horrible was going to happen. We weren’t sure what to do, nor what it meant. Nevertheless, we refused to give them what they wanted, mainly because we wanted to keep the level 10 joke running, even if it costed something. Months later, in January, the account would be met with a horrifying sight. The anonymous user sent us a cryptic video, similar to the one in the script. They didn’t even add a caption to it. It featured what we assumed was the sender killing his friend. I refuse to list everything they did to him. All I’ll mention that both a knife and a gun was involved. We figured that’d we’d base the last victim in the video off of him, just out of condolences. Of course, we realized that would’ve been a tasteless move, so we just made him different pistol victim. For now, we’re just keeping this script as it is so we don’t give the culprit the attention he wants. Don’t worry, we submitted the emails to the police. We’re going to make sure the killer never finds this.”
As a result, Homestar Runner fans everywhere sent their condolences for the victim, as well as providing reassurance to the brothers. While the incomplete Sbemail shocked the world over, it at least spread the murder case around the internet. I’m just recently finding out all of this, as I got into Homestar Runner a couple months ago. It was listed in a random iceberg video I found. I, like many others, were confused by why it all happened, especially with the murder involved. I’m assuming the brothers are still doing ok, that email is just a faded figment in the back of their mind now. As for the victim… I’m hoping anyone relating to them is alright, even if I don’t know them personally.
Category:Homestar Runner
Category:Internet
Category:Murder
Category:Videos
Category:Rewrite
Category:Remake
Category:Retake