Episode 108: Jason Alexander/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Open on Jason and Gonzo in the lobby, going over their old yearbook and laughing.
Jason 	Oh! Gonzo, I tell you, going through this old yearbook is great, isn't it?
Gonzo 	It sure is!
Jason 	What a bunch of weirdos and geeks we used to hang out with!
Gonzo 	Yeah!
Jason 	Hey, you remember that freaky little guy that the frat guys used to — used to tie to the back of a car and drag him all around the campus by his nose? (laughs)
Gonzo 	That was me.
Jason 	… Yeah. Yeah. Mm. Terrible what they put you through, there.
Gonzo 	Are you kidding? Those were the best days of my life. You wanna see the tire marks?
 	He displays tire marks on the back of his letterman jacket. They both laugh and hi-five.
Jason 	Come on!
Gonzo 	Alright!
Jason 	Hey! The old drama club!
Gonzo 	Oh!
Jason 	Do you remember that musical we wrote?
Gonzo 	Do you mean Bats? How could I forget?
Jason 	Yeah - I wonder why that never got produced.
Gonzo 	Well, maybe because nobody wanted to see a musical about blind, flying rodents singing bad poetry.
Jason 	… Yeah, that could be something.
Gonzo 	But hey, we're the Muppets! Doing a bizarre musical number that no one wants to see is what we're all about!
Jason 	Hey, let's do that for the final number!
Gonzo 	Yeah! Let's do it! Good idea! Yeah!
Jason 	Alright! Yeah!
Gonzo 	Yeah yeah!
 	Kermit knocks on the door and enters.
Kermit 	Oh. Uh, hi there, Jason. I see you've met Gonzo.
Jason 	Met him? Oh, Gonzo and I used to go to school together.
Gonzo 	Yeah. You wanna hear our school fight song?
Kermit 	Uh, well, I, no, not really, I —
Jason 	Yeah! Here we go!
 	They pick up pompoms and chant.
Jason & Gonzo	Give a cheer! Give a shout! Tell 'em what we're all about! We're the team that's gonna rule! We're from South Bay Regoinal Polytechnic Institute for the Performing and Industrial Arts Night School, Downtown Campus, as seen in the motion picture Fame! YEAH!
Kermit 	Gee, did your team win a lot of games?
Jason 	No. No. (they sit down) No, uh, by the time we were done cheering, they had usually called the games on account of darkness.
 	Kermit frowns.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Jason Alexander! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening==
 	Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator 	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Hey! Yeah! What's up, what's up? Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Let's see what's shakin' with the band. Yo, Jowls, I heard you had a gig this weekend.
Jowls 	(unintelligible babble)
 	The other band members chuckle.
Clifford 	(laughs) I don't understand what he says either. Any hue, our guest tonight is Jason Alexander! (applause) Yeah! But before we get to Jason, here's something for all you eggheads in the audience.
Eggman (JN)	Egg-cellent!
Eggman (DG)	Oh, there you go with the same old yolks!
Eggman (JN)	Well, you told me to come out of my shell. (chuckles)
Clifford 	Here is our very own Animal, with a classical music interlude.
 	Animal runs onstage, knocking Clifford over.
Animal 	Sorry! Hahahaha!
 	Animal bangs his head against a gong, as classical music plays.
Animal 	Mommy! (faints)
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	This show's off to a fast start.
Waldorf 	Good. Maybe it'll end quicker.
 	They chuckle.
==Fairyland P.D.==
 	Open on a tall building at night. Police surround the building and look up at Humpty Dumpty, standing at the top.
A. Ligator 	And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D.. Tonight: "The Big Crack-Up".
 	A cop car stops at the scene. Clifford and Bobo make their way to the building.
Cop (LCR) 	He's gonna jump!
Cop (BH) 	Careful, he's got a spatula!
Humpty Dumpty (KC)	Don't try to stop me!
Bobo 	Alright, stand back, please.
Clifford 	Everybody back. Move along.
Bobo 	Stand back. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Clifford 	Well, chief, what we got?
Chief 	Well, we've got a big egg named Humpty Dumpty, and he's threatening to jump.
Bobo 	Okay. Uh, I've had a little experience in this. Let me handle it.
Chief 	Oh, good. Alright.
Bobo 	Listen, fella! Life isn't so bad.
Humpty Dumpty (KC)	Aw, what do you know?
Bobo 	(to chief) Desperate.
Chief 	Ah.
Bobo 	Okay! Just, just, just try and think back to the happy times, when you were a kid! Those school days, school days, ♪ dear old golden school days, reading and writing and …
 	Humpty has a great fall onto the concrete.
Bobo 	I, uh … uh, I guess he wasn't too popular in school.
Chief 	(sigh) Well, I'm gonna let you boys mop this up.
 	He walks away, almost tripping over the giant eggshell.
Clifford 	Thanks a lot, chief.
Bobo 	Nice.
 	They both look down at Humpty.
Clifford 	Well, it's definitely too late for all the king's horses and all the king's men. Hey, you got any ideas what we should do?
Bobo 	Say, uh … we still got that, uh, hot plate and skillet in the trunk?
Clifford 	You wouldn't.
Bobo 	Well, you chop up the onions and peppers and I would. (laughs)
Clifford 	(laughs) Hey, it's a deal! (runs off)
Bobo 	(laughs) Well, alright. (shakes pepper) My cholesterol is going to go through the roof. But what the hey, you only live once. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	The BATS crew sets up.
Jason	Oh boy, Gonzo, I gotta tell you, I am so excited we're finally getting to do our musical. BATS!
Gonzo	Yeah. Ooh!
Jason	It's all coming together! The sets are terrific, the costumes are great.
Gonzo	Oh, yeah, and wait till you see the bat background singers.
Jason	A very important element.
Gonzo	Come on, ladies, get in here!
 	A flock of chickens gathers around them.
Gonzo	Show 'em what you got! Give it to 'em!
 	The chickens cluck an uptempo version of "Turkey in the Straw". Jason looks confused.
Gonzo	Yeah.
Jason	Terrific. Ladies, really, really, really terrific.
Gonzo	Beautiful.
Jason	Gonzo, can I — can I talk to you for a second? (laughs)
Gonzo	Sure, sure. (they step aside) What is it, Jase?
Jason	What are you, nuts??
Gonzo	Huh? Well, Jason, don't worry, when they get the costumes on, it'll sell that — that bat thing you've been wanting to go for.
Jason	It's not about selling, it's not about costumes! It's about emotions! It's about character!
Rizzo	It's about time you went onstage, there, Jason. (exits)
Jason	Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, Rizzo. Gonzo, we need professionals. We need artists. I'm counting on you. You're the man. (walks off)
Gonzo	Whoo. Never been the man before. Hey girls, he loved you. Don't change a thing.
 	The chickens cluck in agreement and disperse.
Gonzo	That's it. Shoo, shoo. Hahaha.
==Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie==
 	Open on stock footage of a train.
A. Ligator 	And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.
 	Fade to the darkened train. Mr. Poodlepants makes train nosies, and suddenly gets shot.
Mr. Poodlepants	Oh, help! Help! I've been murderized!
 	The lights come on, and other Muppets come to his aid, including conductor Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh no! Oh my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!
Mr. Poodlepants	Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really —
Bobo 	(shuts his mouth) SHHH! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. (lowers him)
Bunsen 	Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?
Kermit 	There's only one detective who could solve this crime! And he's onboard our train, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, I present, Monsieur Hercules Poirot!
 	Enter Hercule.
Jason 	Everyone, please take your seats. NOBODY MOVE! Please, be seated. TOUCH NOTHING! Sit, sit, sit. And by the way, it is not Hercules… it is Hercule. Now, I would like to begin my investigation by asking a few questions.
Bobo 	Ooh, I have a question here, Hercules. Uh, are you gonna use your super strength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?
Jason 	(chuckles) Now listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercu-LES, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Her-CULE … Poirot! A fictional Belgian detective.
Fozzie 	But how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waistcoat?
Jason 	I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercu-LES.
Fozzie 	Oh, I get it — he's working undercover.
Bobo 	Shh! Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!
Jason 	(grabs Bobo's collar) Yes, I might … if I was … Hercu-LES! Which I am NOT! Now if I may proceed with my investigation.
Bunsen 	Yes, yes, yes, please, everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.
Jason 	Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.
Bunsen 	What are you going to do first, fly around the earth backwards so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?
Jason 	(normal voice) Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.
Mr. Poodlepants	Jason, please. You're breaking character.
Jason 	(walks over to him) I'm breaking character? (pokes him) You're supposed to be DEAD! This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!
 	He jumps off the train.
Fozzie 	I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. (honks his horn)
==Backstage / Pigs in Space==
Nigel 	Okay, nice job, team. Somebody tell Miss Piggy she's up next. Can somebody fetch me a stirring rod for my iced mocha, please?
 	A creature with a straw-like nose emerges.
Straw-nosed creature (DG)	Sure!
 	He stirs the drink.
Nigel 	WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE?? (the creature scats) Like I couldn't have done that myself. CUE PIGS IN SPACE! GO GO GO!
 	The opening title sequence plays.
A. Ligator 	Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Captain Pighead 	Captain's log. Exploring the Ford Galaxy.
 	Everyone except Piggy snickers.
Captain Pighead 	Star date, chewy. (snicker) Star figs, nutty but moist. (snicker) Star prunes, sweet and wrinkled. (snicker) Star fish …
Miss Piggy 	Alright, knock it off! (sigh) I want to introduce the newest member of our crew, the latest in supercomputers, the AL-1995 Plus Tax. I will now test our computer's capabilities. AL, what is, oh, two plus two?
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	One moment. Calculating.
 	The "Jeopardy" theme plays.
Miss Piggy 	Calculating? AL? AL! AL?
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	I'm sorry, but by "plus", did you mean "make bigger"?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, brother.
 	The emergency alarm sounds. Everyone panics.
Snorty 	What's that? What's that?
Craniac 	Captain! We're being boarded by space pirates led by the infamous Princess Vendela!
Miss Piggy 	No! Not Princess Vendela! She's hideous, fat, dumpy and self-deluded! The sight of this monster princess is so grotesque, you may lose your appetite for food and drink! BACK! BACK! BACK!
 	The princess enters. The pigs stop and stare.
Vendela 	Hello, boys.
 	Craniac and Pighead whoop and holler.
Snorty 	Oh! Whoa! (to Pighead) I'm gonna go get the champagne and dip.
Captain Pighead 	(laughs)
Vendela 	Surrender peacefully, earth pigs, and I'll make you my personal slave.
 	Craniac, Snorty and Pighead look at each other, holding suitcases, then clamor to get to her.
Captain Pighead 	Get out of my way!
Snorty 	I'm going first! I'm going first!
Miss Piggy 	Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Freeze! (holds them at gunpoint) Alright! This is still my ship, Ven-DOOOOOO-la! I want you off it, little miss — miss, miss, miss, miss … miss … help me, boys.
Captain Pighead 	Perfection.
Craniac 	Pretty.
Snorty 	Gorgeous.
Miss Piggy 	That's not the road I was going down.
Vendela 	Ha!
 	Pighead, Snorty and Craniac follow Vendela out the door, singing.
Crew (except Piggy) 	♪ Oh, we're going to her planet, to be her personal slaves. Whoa, whoa, wo-wo-wo-wo …
Craniac 	♪ … to be her personal slaves! Ha!
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	Four.
Miss Piggy 	What?
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	Two plus two is four. (giggles) Oh, now I'm warmed up. Give me another one.
Miss Piggy 	I'll give you one! (kicks it)
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	Ow. Oh. Ow. Oh, nice pumps.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank you. (continues kicking)
AL-1995 Plus Tax 	Oh. Ow. Ow.
A. Ligator 	Join us again for another slice of outer-space adventure on Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of … PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	ALTERNATE LINE (US VERSION):
A. Ligator 	Join us again next week for another remedial math adventure on Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of … PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo talks to a set designer.
Gonzo 	Oh, that's a nice color, there. Why don't you slap it around the set a little bit? (she nods and walks off) Thanks, Madeline. You're — hmm?
Jason 	Gonzo, Gonzo. I gotta tell you, I'm having a real problem with this ten billion gigawatt laser cannon you want to add to the final number?
Gonzo 	Oh, don't worry, I took it out.
Jason 	Oh, good.
Gonzo 	And replaced it with this FIFTEEN billion gigawatt laser cannon! (rubs it)
Jason 	Gonzo — you're doing it again. This is exactly what we used to fight about in school. You always wanted to take art and — and ruin it with gratuitous special effects!
Gonzo 	Thank you.
Jason 	Alright, look — I am not letting you do this to the final number.
Gonzo 	Well, it's just like you to take something classy and high-minded, and leave it that way!
Jason 	I can't believe this — we've had this argument a million times! Theater is about emotion. It is about actors conveying that emotion to the audience!
Gonzo 	And what better way to convey that emotion than with lasers, explosions, and giant, robotic glow-in-the-dark insects?
Jason 	This is exactly what you did in school! Remember that production of Death of a Salesman you ruined?
Gonzo 	Well, if you're referring to my production of Death of a Transdimensional Giant Mutant Cyborg Salesman, that show was a hit! And it won a Pulitzer Prize.
Jason 	It did not win a Pulitzer Prize.
Gonzo 	Well, my mother liked it.
Jason 	It had no heart!
Gonzo 	Yes it did! It had four hearts! One for each head.
Jason 	(fumes) You're impossible!
Gonzo 	Well, what —
Clifford 	Hey, fellas, listen, how's the closing number coming?
Jason 	Well, we're having creative differences.
Gonzo 	Yeah, yeah, I'm creative and he's different.
Jason 	I'm different?? Alright, that does it. I am NEVER working with you again! You — you blue, big-nosed — FREAK! (storms off)
Gonzo 	Don't try to sweet-talk me! I'm not working with you either! (storms off)
 	A "sad trombone" sting is heard. Clifford looks around.
Clifford 	Well, that was a dramatic musical sting.
 	A bumblebee with a horn emerges.
Bumblebee	Thank you! (walks away humming)
==At the Bar==
 	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster 	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come — Oh — Hi, Mr. Callahan! How ya doin'? The usual, huh? No? Well, let me see what else I got here. Ooh! Ooh, try this. Ha ha. (slides him a drink) How about that, huh? Huh? Huh? Isn't that good?
 	Mr. C takes a sip and starts seeing double.
Polly Lobster 	What's wrong, Mr. Callahan? Uh-oh … what a maroon! I gave you the liniment! Here, here, I'll fix it.
 	He slaps Mr. C, whose vision returns to normal.
Polly Lobster 	Feel better? (Mr. C nods) What's that? Oh, yeah, yeah, Clueless is in the back. I'll call him out. CLUELESS!
 	Applause as he comes out with a bag of cans.
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly, what is it? (notices applause) Oh! Oh my! Ha! Heh heh heh! Thank you! Hi, Polly. Hey, Mr. Callahan. Wha — ooh, silver lip gloss? I like it. (laughs)
Polly Lobster 	Hey Clueless, I see you're recycling cans. Hey, they say that's good for the environment.
Clueless Morgan	What environment? It's my lunch. (eats the cans)
Polly Lobster 	(bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan	Mm, I love canned food. (continues eating)
Polly Lobster 	(bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan	What's funny?
Polly Lobster 	Just sing, Clueless. (laughs)
Clueless Morgan	Alright. Paul?
 	Piano music swells up. Clueless and Polly sing "Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-De-Ay" until Clueless gets hit with a sledgehammer and faints.
Polly Lobster 	(laughs) Hey Clueless, looks like you broke your ta-ra-ra!
 	Polly gets hit with the same hammer.
Polly Lobster 	Ooh! That smarts. (faints)
==Muppet Bandstand==
 	Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford 	(laughs) Yeah! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Uh, since Jason Alexander is still refusing to come out of his dressing room, heheh, let's take a trip back to the late '70s, yeah, where he was the nation's number one disco sensation. Here is his television debut, on a little show called Muppet Bandstand. Let's watch. Shall we?
 	A clip is shown on the monitor. Disco music plays as we zoom out on the "MB" logo and see Muppets dancing.
Kermit 	Okay, wasn't that great, huh? That was "I Slipped My Disco and I Can't Get Down" by the Village Idiots! Ahem. And now, here's our reigning disco queen, Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason Alexanderplatz!
 	Jason and Miss Piggy come out to applause. Jason gives a peace sign.
Miss Piggy	(giggles) Hi! Hi!
Kermit 	Okay. So, so tell me there, Miss Piggy, how did you catch disco fever, huh?
Miss Piggy	Well —
Jason 	Well, Kermit, it's not so much "disco fever" as "swine flu". (chuckles, holds her close)
Miss Piggy	Watch it, Goldilocks, or you'll be dancing on crutches.
Kermit 	So uh, how about you there, Jason? Uh, when did you learn to dance, huh?
Jason 	Kermit, I learned to dance at the South Bay Regional Polytechnic Institute of Performing and Industrial Arts Night School. Wanna hear our fight song?
Miss Piggy	No! The show's only an hour long.
 	Disco music starts playing.
Kermit 	Well, let's see you two get down and boogie-oogie-oogie!
 	They start dancing to "Boogie Oogie Oogie". Ultimately, Jason throws Piggy up to the rafters, then rips his vest off, sits in a chair, pulls a chain and douses himself with water. He gets up, catches Piggy when she falls, and the two of them finish dancing. Applause.
Kermit 	Wow, wasn't that great, folks? Huh? So, is there anybody back home you'd like to say hi to?
Jason 	Yeah, I'd love to —
Miss Piggy	Don't touch the mic! You're soaking —
 	Jason touches the mic and gets a big electric shock.
Miss Piggy	… wet.
 	Most of Jason's hair burns off, leaving a bald spot.
Jason 	My beautiful blonde hair! I'M RUINED! Now I'm just a short, neurotic bald guy with a New York accent! What can I do now? Where will I possibly fit in?
Miss Piggy	A sitcom?
Jason 	Get real.
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Mm. That last number was a real show-stopper.
Waldorf 	Too bad it didn't stop THIS show.
 	They chuckle.
==Thor, God of Thunder==
 	Open on a library.
A. Ligator	And now, it's time for another exciting episode of Thor, God of Thunder. Tonight: "Thor Gets a Library Card".
 	Thor approaches the desk with two books.
Thor 	Ahem.
Librarian 	May I help you?
Thor 	I desire these books.
Librarian 	May I see your library card?
Thor 	I have no library card, for I am THOR, GOD OF THUNDER!
 	An earthquake happens. The patrons scatter, and a bookshelf falls on the librarian.
Thor 	Yes, run! Hahaha.
Librarian 	(gets up) Well, I — I am sorry, Mr. Thor, but you need a library card to take out those books.
Thor 	Oh?
Librarian 	Now, what I need at this point is some information — a driver's license, a social security card, a, uh … gym membership.
Thor 	I have no need for any of those things, for I am a god!
Librarian 	Perhaps you could give me a character reference?
Thor 	D'oh … ZEUS!
Zeus 	Huh? Thor?
Librarian 	Oh, good, that's a start—
 	Zeus and Thor corner each other.
Zeus 	Get thee ready to rumble!
Librarian 	Fellas?
 	The gods get behind a bookshelf and start shooting lighting bolts at each other.
Thor 	Ow! Oh, my loins! Now you've done it, Zeus!
 	He zaps Zeus, who zaps him back.
Thor 	Ow, my mythological buttocks!
Librarian 	Oh, I hate Mondays. No, no, no —
 	Zeus zaps away the librarian. Zeus and Thor continue their battle.
A. Ligator	Join us next week, when Thor gets his cable hooked up, in another exciting adventure of Thor, God of Thunder.
==Backstage==
Nigel 	Make yourself useful! … Very good.
 	Zeus and Thor walk through the control room.
Zeus 	I really felt like we were going moment-to-moment there.
Thor 	Oh, absolutely. Your motivation was brilliant.
Zeus 	Oh, and the lighting looked wonderful.
Thor 	Yes, wonderful, very good.
Nigel 	Okay, okay, Thor, Zeus, nice work. Now, can somebody sweep up Ernest so that we can get to the closing number? Hmm?
Thor 	Okay, thank you, Nigel. Oh, uh, you have our 8x10s, don't you?
Zeus 	Oh, you know, you stepped on my line.
Thor 	Oh, I did not!
Zeus 	You did too.
 	Exit the gods, enter Clifford and Rizzo.
Clifford	Man, this is bad, this is bad. We gotta get Jason and Gonzo back together, or we won't have a closing number.
Rizzo 	Well, there's really only one fair and honest thing to do.
Clifford	Trick 'em?
Rizzo 	You got it.
Clifford	(laughs) Yeah. — There he is.
Rizzo 	Oh, here he comes.
 	Gonzo enters, mumbling angrily.
Clifford	Yo, Gonz. How's things going?
Gonzo 	Fine. Things are going just fine. Because I'm not working with Jason Alexander, and there's nothing you can do to trick me into it!
Clifford	Uh, I don't wanna trick you, man, I just wanna ask you a question. What number am I thinking of?
Gonzo 	Uh, 2,346,822?
Clifford	Whoa! Man, that's it! And that means you get to do the final closing number with Jason!
Rizzo 	Wow!
Gonzo 	I do?
Clifford	Yeah!
Rizzo 	That — that's the rules. (laughs)
Gonzo 	Oh, well, then I'd better go get ready then! Huh! (runs off)
 	Rizzo hi-fives Clifford.
Clifford	Man, that was way easy. Let's try it on Jason, shall we?
 	Switch to Jason's dressing room.
Jason 	Forget it, Clifford. There is no way that you're gonna trick me into working with Gonzo. And don't try that "guess which number I'm thinking of" routine on me. Heh. … 12,006?
Clifford	It was three.
Jason 	(fumes, walks off) Three …
Rizzo 	Shall we go with the backup plan?
Clifford	Yeah, yeah, do it …
Rizzo 	Okay, alright … (exits)
Clifford	Uh, listen, Jason, we'll leave you alone. And just think about it. And listen to your conscience.
Rizzo 	Yeah. Your conscience. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon — (they exit)
Jason 	Well, that's what I am doing. And my conscience is telling me not to work with people who resort to cheesy special effects.
 	The room goes dark, and red and blue spotlights appear on Jason. Pepe appears with wings on Jason's right shoulder.
Pepe 	Ohhhhh. I am your good conscience. And I think you should do the closing number with Gon-so.
Jason 	Yeah, well —
 	Seymour appears on his other shoulder, holding a trident.
Seymour 	And I am your bad conscience. And I also think you should do the closing number with (pokes him) Gonzo.
Pepe 	Yes, and we usually never agree, okay.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Jason 	Alright, listen, guys, that's enough. Would you just get off of me?
Pepe 	But— but we haven't done our song yet.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Jason 	Huh?
 	They start bouncing as their theme music begins.
Seymour 	♪ I'm Bad Conscience.
Pepe 	♪ I'm Good Conscience.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ I think you should do the closing number.
Seymour 	♪ And I also think so too.
 	The music stops.
Pepe 	Uh, well, we're — working on the lyrics, okay.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Jason 	Listen, guys, I have to tell you, normally, as a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I'm gonna do it, if only to get this stupid elephant off of my BACK! (shoves Seymour)
Pepe 	Does that mean I can stay?
Jason 	No. (punches Pepe off)
 	The lights come back on.
Jason 	Alright, Alexander. You're a man of the theater. And the show must go on.
Seymour 	(unseen) Yes!
Pepe 	(unseen) ¡Si!
==BATS==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, Muppets Tonight is proud to present Jason Alexander and Gonzo the Great performing a medley from their original musical, BATS.
 	Applause. Open on a dark cave lit with bat eyes; the light comes up on Jason and Gonzo as the refrains from "Memory" play.
Jason 	
In the darkness of caves, there's a creature you've heard,
That's partially rodent, and partially bird.
We fly through the night, with our faces like rats,
We misunderstood, maligned creatures called bats.
Considered disgusting –– when seen, people flee!
But a bat is no different than those such as thee.
We're all flying blind, in dark lives filled with dread,
Eating insects, sleeping upside down, dropping guano on your head.
Gonzo 	Guano?
Jason 	It's ... it's kinda like a metaphor.
 	The audience freezes, mouths agape.
Gonzo 	Jason, you're losing 'em! Let's try it my way.
Jason 	Huh?
Gonzo 	Music!
 	Bats emerge and start dancing to "That's the Way I Like It", confusing Jason.
Gonzo 	♪ BATS the way!
Bats 	♪ Uh-huh-uh-huh!
Gonzo 	♪ I like it!
Bats 	♪ Uh-huh-uh-huh!
Gonzo 	Alright! ♪ BATS the way!
Bats 	♪ Uh-huh-uh-huh!
Gonzo 	♪ I like it!
Bats 	♪ Uh-huh-uh-huh!
 	The audience applauds. Jason stuffs Gonzo down and starts to sing a "Memory" variant.
Jason 	
♪ Night time ...
♪ For a bat, that's the right time
♪ To get in all his flight time
♪ And to catch his next meal ...
♪ Love is blind,
♪ And so am I...
♪ So is this love
♪ That I feel?
 	The audience freezes, mouths agape.
Gonzo 	Jason, Jason, you're dying out here! Let me handle this! Uh, music!
 	The chickens come in, dressed for the Fourth of July, carrying sparklers, clucking a rendition of "Grand Old Flag". The audience applauds.
Gonzo 	Come on in, girls! Come on, come on, come on! Yeah!
Jason 	Gonzo, you're right! They love the special effects!
Gonzo 	Okay! Are you with me then?
Jason 	Let's bring it home, brother!
Gonzo 	Alright!
 	The chickens gather for the finale, waving their flags and sparklers.
Jason, Gonzo, Chickens	
♪ So should old acquaintances wear a hat 
♪ With your eye on that grand old bat!
♪ Grand old bat!
♪ BATS!
 	Loud applause.
Jason, Gonzo 	Thank you! Thank you!
==Goodnights==
 	Main stage. Gonzo, Jason and the chickens gather for their curtain call.
Gonzo 	Ha ha! Thank you! Thank you.
Clifford	Yeah! Let's give it up for our special guest, Mr. Jason Alexander! (applause)
Gonzo 	Yeah! Yeah, Jason!
Jason 	Yeah. But, you know, it was Gonzo's special effects that really made BATS fly!
Gonzo 	Ohohoho, no no no, it was your heartfelt delivery that gave it an emotional arc.
Jason 	See, you always do this to me. I try to be generous to you and then you turn it all around on me.
Gonzo 	Don't be ridiculous! It was your heartfelt delivery!
Jason 	No, no, it was the special effects! I just said, it was the special effects that made the whole thing work!
 	Gonzo and Jason continue arguing.
Clifford	–– Uh, goodnight, everybody! Uh, come on, get –– (walks off)
 	The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Animal's gong routine, and Jason with Seymour and Pepe.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts