Chief Beef Loco (Script)

█ Xavier
█ Percival Handfisher
█ Chalaza
█ Mocho
█ Unnamed Vato 1
█ Unnamed Vato 2
█ Unnamed Vato 3
█ Unnamed Vato 4
█ Chief Master Guru
█ Young Xavier
█ Quickstop Redneck 1
█ Quickstop Redneck 2
█ School Announcer
█ Disabled Boy
█ Paul
█ Pizza Delivery Man
█ Shiny
█ Skeeter-Beast
█ Local Loco Victim
█ Unknown
----
Xavier: They say 'tis often the tiniest among us hath the biggest needs.
You hear that? Of course I do.
I'm the one who asked.
Easy, stranger. Your leg looks dislocated pretty bad. I'll pop it back in, but it's gonna hurt. Ready?
Inhale.
Hold.
Hold.
Hale.
Always glad to help my brethren in the kingdom of life.
Maybe someday you will help me.
Quickstop Redneck 1: What the human intimates you doing, freak? Bestial-ulating that skeeter?
Xavier: I'm just a simple warrior for peace trying to do right by God's creatures.
Quickstop Redneck 1: You see what this weirdo here is saying?
Quickstop Redneck 2: Wait, which weirdo?
Xavier: I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.
Quickstop Redneck 1: He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!
Take that!
Xavier: Ooh, frittata.
Taste the pain! Take that! [Buzzing]
Quickstop Redneck 2: My eye! My visual connection to this beautiful world has been severed!
Quickstop Redneck 1: I got you, dang skeeter. Taste... taste... taste...
Xavier: Frittata. Your interspecial combat was noble, wise mosquito. What's wrong? You're flying all funny. Did he clip you?
[Buzzing]
Xavier: Frittata. Don't you dare die on me.
[Echoing] No!
To be a hero, you have to go looking for trouble. Wherever there is suffering, I was there. Wherever there is injustice, I (Echoing: I...) was there. And wherever there is crying... I'm right here. What's wrong, kid?
Percy: These guys... They were Mexican, they were gang members, and they smashed my mascot costume.
Xavier: You need to slow it down. Relax.
Inhale.
Hold.
Hold.
Ahh.
Hold.
Hold.
Little longer.
Hold.
Hale.
Now, who did this to you?
Percy: These guys... These Mexicans... They carved their tag on me, and I was supposed to be the new mascot of the team, and they were Mexicans, and they ruined my costume...
Xavier: I could be your costume. Do you think you can fit inside me?
Percy: No, but you could tell people I'm inside you and go put on a show as the mascot and make everyone love me, 'Cause they think it's me, Not you.
Xavier: You're gonna have to go underground and hide (Echoing: Hide..).
School Announcer: Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen. Your crazies have a brand-new mascot who's played by Percy Handfisher, sophomore whose parents were recently killed in a thresher.
[Booing]
School Announcer: Troubled High, give a warm, troubled, hey there, ho there to your troubled cra-a-zy!
[Dance music plays]
♪Are you prepared for this moment?♪
♪Are you prepared for this moment?♪
♪Are you prepared for this moment?♪
♪Are you prepared for this moment?♪
Xavier: Frittata
School Announcer: Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen, the opposing team is so intimidated by your troubled crazy mascot, they are forfeiting the game thanks to Percival Handfisher.
Disabled Boy: Percy, I want to be your girlfriend! I want you, Percy!
Chalaza: You did good, Percy. Sorry for beating you up before.
Xavier: I can take it. I'm tough enough to join your little gang.
Chalaza: Nobody has ever survived our initiation. Come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed-gold 12-point courier font on bone-white semigloss stock.
Mocho: Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white. Absurdity!
Chalaza: I'm the leader! I say bone white! [Thinking] Its haunting elegance is so restrained. See you tonight, Percy, and wear the costume.
Young Xavier: Chief Master Guru, you have so many wisdoms left to teach me. Years of you and I together.
Chief Master Guru: Of course, youngling. Uh, what's that behind you?
Young Xavier: I don't see any... Chief Master Guru! I vow to ramble these worlds and find the evil ones who did this to avenge your death.
Chief Master Guru: That gets rid of that headache. Yes, avenge me.
[Laughs]
Young Xavier: Chief?
Xavier: I did it. You were a hit. Everyone loves you now. You even have a girlfriend.
Percy: Really? Is he disabled?
Xavier: But stay hidden for a while. I want to infiltrate the gang. I just may have some avenging chief beef to queef.
Percy: No, I can't stay down here.
Xavier: Calm it down.
Close your eyes.
Inhale.
Hold.
Hold.
Hold. 
Hold.
Hold. 
Hold.
[Alarm blares]
Local Loco Victim: I don't have your money, man.
Chalaza: Then I'm taking back what's mine. Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee.
[Knock on door]
Chalaza: Percy, I'm surprised you showed up.
Xavier: Well, I'm not surprised about how much I like to do crime.
Chalaza: You just passed the first test. Now pass the second. We just ordered a pizza, and when it comes, you have to kill the deliveryman.
Xavier: Okay, but I want to kill him outside, alone, in the dark.
Unnamed Vato 3 : It's okay. We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.
Unnamed Vato 1: I like to kill to music.
Mocho: It's kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet. I think it's because, when I was a kid...
Paul: Kid, your mother just died.
Mocho: [Farts]
Unnamed Vato 3 : Mocho, that's not why you like to kill on the toilet. That's why you don't like cereal.
Mocho: Oh, yeah.
Xavier: You are supposed to be dead right now, but here... 20 bucks. Get out of town and start a new life.
Pizza Delivery Man: Hey, thanks, mister. Thanks for the shot.
Xavier: I killed him hard. Pulled out his heart and showed it to him, and he was like, "nice."
Chalaza: Bien. Now phase two. You have to watch us eat the pizza with nary a slice for yourself.
Mocho: Hey, he forgot our cuckoo-bread.
Pizza Delivery Man: [Knock on door] Uh, I know I'm dead, but I forgot to give you your cuckoo-bread.
Unnamed Vato 1: A g-g-ghost!
Mocho: You got a ghost to bring us cuckoo-bread.
Chalaza: Percy! You have shown true loco spirit. I think you are a prime candidate for our annual Pauper-to-Prince program.
Unnamed Vato 1: I thought this was my year.
Chalaza: Once a year, we let one novice member sit in as gang leader for a week. I benefit, as I get to see the gang from a novice perspective, and then you benefit by experiencing the hardships that come with the administrative role that I play.
Xavier: I'm game.
Chalaza: Percy, I crown thee temporary leader of the local locos.
Xavier: What's on the docket for today?
Mocho: Well, Wednesday night is tag Tuesday, where we paint our tag all over town.
Xavier: I propose a new loco tag... Solid white (Echoes: White...).
Chalaza: Ooh, minimalista.
Mocho: I can think so clearly without all the visual clutter.
Chalaza: Now everyone will know the locos are crazy about postmodernist aesthetic contextual reframing.
[Alarm blares]
Chalaza: Okay, Thursday night is mailroom Monday. We just got our new shipment.
Xavier: What do you do if the cops come knocking?
Chalaza: We toilet-flush the drugs.
Xavier: Let's stay one step ahead of the cops. Flush them now.
Chalaza: I like. One step ahead of the policía. [Flushes]
Xavier: Hold. 
Hold.
Hold. 
Hold.
Hale.
Percy: [Exhales sharply] That was...
Xavier: Okay, inhale, Percy.
Percy: [Inhales deeply]
Chalaza: This is the very sort of forward thinking the Pauper-to-Prince program was meant to engender. Friday night is taco Tuesday.
Xavier: This week, instead of eating tacos, let's just talk... Oh.
All:Oh.
Xavier: So, who wants to spill it first? (Sniffs) What do your heart spirits have to say to your mind-sacs? (Sniffs)
Mocho: I guess I tend to use my switchblade as a defense mechanism.
Unnamed Vato 4: You guys are the only family I have... (Xavier Sniffs) maybe because you guys killed my family.
Unnamed Vato 1: Before tonight, I could never express myself with words. I always did it like this. ["La cucaracha" plays]
[Crying]
Chalaza: You're right... Rape is not an excuse. It's a reason, and tonight, everything seems so reasonable.
Mocho: I'm big now, but I recently dropped 230 pounds. Yeah, I dumped your wife! I guess I told that joke as a way to avoid the real issue. I love your wife. She dumped me.
Unnamed Vato 1: How do they expect me to stay out of jail? That's where all my stuff is.
Mocho: Here's why I never take off my shirt when we go swimming.
Chalaza: So she says, "Oh, that puppy is the cutest thing in the world." And it's like, I'm standing right here, mom. I'm standing right here.
Unnamed Vato 1: Maybe I do have more issues than a magazine stand, but all those magazines are puro fancy. I never wanted to be a vato. I just want to groom and train poodles.
Mocho: I secretly groom and train poodles.
Chalaza: Are you guys messing with me? Whenever you turn your back, I secretly groom and train poodles. Watch. Turn your back. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
Unnamed Vato 1: I can't see. My back is turned.
Xavier: Passion... This is what gangbanging ought to be about.
Chalaza: Thank you, Percy, for showing us how to follow our bliss. We're out of the drug game forever.
♪Are you prepared for this moment?♪
Mocho: Oh, no. Shiny's coming to town, and he wants his drug shipment. We just flushed ourselves a death sentence.
Xavier: Who's Shiny?
Chalaza: He's only the biggest drug dealer since Truman.
Unnamed Vato 1: He's so rich, he had every cell in his body platinumed.
Xavier: Well, you just had every cell in your body passioned (Echoes: Passioned...). Tell Shiny to meet us at the docks.
Shiny: Where's my drugs, Chalaza?
Xavier: I'm the local loco leader now, and we're out of the drug game for good. From now on, "L.L." stands for "Supportive Community of Connected Spirits."
Shiny: You give up your game, and I'll get you a job at the jobby job center.
Xavier: No deal, Shiny.
Chalaza: Fifi, cuddles!
Shiny: I don't get it.
Chalaza: Now!
[Barking]
Shiny: Are you prepared for this moment?
Xavier: [Slowly] Frittata!
Chalaza: I don't want Percy to be our leader anymore.
Unnamed Vato 1: You should have picked me.
Shiny: Give... me... back... my... son! Wait... sorry... I... mean... drugs!
[Buzzing]
Skeeter-Beast: That'll give you time to reflect.
Shiny: I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes, made it! [Groans]
Chalaza: I know what we can do with Shiny now.
Xavier: You were so sexy out there, Skeeter-beast. You're my passion.
Skeeter-Beast: Sorry, but I'm with someone who doesn't lie about who they are on the inside. Come on, Percy, lend me some sugar.
Xavier: And now I ramble forth on my endless journey to be the greatest aid-spreader of all time.
Category:Scripts