Carissa

Carissa is a reluctantly accepted member of The Crew, as well as sometimes girlfriend to Randy Snutz. She appears as a permanent guest on Hey Randy! She doesn't think you're doing a bad thing if you believe you are the person whose money you're spending. 
Carissa owns multiple phones and often has problems with her Venmo account. She supports the troops and likes to vape.
She is played by comedian Lily Sullivan.
== Biography ==
===Early Life===
* Was raised in a casino
* Middle name is Chlamydia
* Dated older men from MTV
===Education===
* Watched Outbreak in biology class
* Took improv workshop at iO Theater in Chicago
* Went to expensive community colleges for ten years
* In community college, wrote thesis on women's bowel movements
===Employment History===
* Fired from Cold Stone for mixing too hard
* Works at the smoothie place with 15-16 year olds
* Works at the fro-yo shop
* Self-published a book
* Auditioned to be a performer at ComedySportz
* Had one-woman show of musical 'Chicago'
===Notable Medical Issues===
* Has really nice arms that she inherited from her family
* Has huge sweat glands
* Was born with perfect breasts and a third breast on her forehead
* Has had COVID like six times
* Uses herbal medicines on her chest
* Got Lasik in one eye, with a nose job and chin job, and also got eyebrows done
* Has cysts 
* Broke both ankles by Risky Business-ing across new floors in stilettos
* Broke both ankles by jumping off balcony wearing pterodactyl costume
* Supposedly had a hysterectomy
* Velcro sounds cause little seizures
* IUDs don't work on her
* Ate a set of twins and her own twin in the womb
* Had buccal fat removed, lip injections, and eyebrows threaded on one side
* Has pierced anus
* Had many yeast infections
* Raised awareness for cancer by pretending she had cancer
* Had her nose broken by a lobster
* Hospitalized for burns on legs and thighs from going down playground slide
* Lost virginity at a showing of Cheaper by the Dozen (2003)
* Had UTI for six years, possibly from The Witch casting a spell or from wearing wet bathing suit bottoms
* Has herpes, chlamydia, HPV, genital warts
=== Other Interests ===
* Fermenting sodas
* Rimming hot comedians
* Kevin Spacey's Christmas video
* The British Monarchy
* Hot accents
* Fan of Zaslav
== Notable Quotes ==
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