The Nightmare Zoltan Next Door

The Nightmare Zoltan Next Door is the 15th episode of The World of SBFW and the third episode of season two.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens with an establishing shot of the Box Productions building in the evening.]
Jingle: Box Productions Evil Incorperated!!!
[Cut to the writers' room where SpongeBot is writing an episode of Mr. Character's Awesome House. CrazySponge is helping by eating Cheerios and scrolling through Fortnite rule 34 important business stuff on his phone.]
CrazySponge: hmmm these cheerios sure are cheery… o's. how's the episode coming along?
SpongeBot: Well it has Mr. Character in it, his house is also in it, and it is also very awesome.
CrazySponge: GREAT! i think that meets all the criteria, just make sure to have loads of edgy sex jokes in it
SpongeBot: Yeah sure whatever. By the way it's fine if we skip the first few seasons and go straight on to episode 26? I like that one.
[A Hoopla alarm goes off. The large hand on the clock of the wall points at the word "home time" in place of where the 6 should be.]
CrazySponge: o
SpongeBot: What does that alarm mean again?
CrazySponge: i think it means closing time
SpongeBot: Why did we only get it just now?
CrazySponge: i had to use my money for more… erm, productive things
[Pause.]
SpongeBot: I'm just gonna leave.
CrazySponge: WITHOUT THE EPISODE COMPLETED?!!
SpongeBot: Well the alarm went off-
CrazySponge: THE BELL DOESN'T DISMISS YOU, I DO!
SpongeBot: But my parents are probably waiting for me.
CrazySponge: SCREW THEM! MR. CHARACTER IS MORE IMPORTANT!
SpongeBot: But the Channel 5 announcer might say something funny and I'll miss it!
CrazySponge: well that's just a small price to pay for meme world ig
SpongeBot: So… can I go or what?
CrazySponge: wellllll… i suppose, BUT youll have to finish the episode by tomorrow, as it is the @everyone DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨
SpongeBot: Eh that works for me I guess. Thanks Aidan, love you!
CrazySponge: love you t- i mean-
[SpongeBot had already left. CrazySponge turns to his important business stuff on his phone.]
CrazySponge: well… seeing as i'm alone…
[Polar bursts through the door with a stack of paper.]
Polar: HEY AIDAN! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS PI REBRANDING?!
CrazySponge: NI-
[Cut to the Auger residence, just in time for FANDOM to not remove our show. SpongeBot rings the doorbell.]
Doorbell: 🎵Augers, it's the Augers, they're the modern British family, from the-'"🎵
[SpongeBot's Dad answers the door wearing a Rick and Morty T-Shirt.]
Beardy Dad: Why do you always ring the bell? I thought you had your own key.
SpongeBot: I just like the tune.
Polar: (narrating) Watch Keeping Up With The Augers on PI Network, or stream now on Cut-Out, 18+ subscription required, terms and conditions may apply Box Productions Inc. or Polar Incorporated may not be held responsible by any trauma caused by our programming.
SpongeBot: Uh… did you hear that disembodied voice just now?
Beardy Dad: What voice?
SpongeBot: Nevermind.
Beardy Dad: I knew I needed to take you to therapy, but I didn't know it was this bad.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Now there's laugh tracks?! What show is this again?
Beardy Dad: Oh God, you're worse than I thought! Quick, come inside.
[Beardy Dad hurries SpongeBot inside.]
Beardy Dad: I- Uh… I- Oh! I know what to do!
[Beardy Dad forcibly pushes SpongeBot onto the couch and switches over to 5Star.]
SpongeBot: Thanks Dad but I dunno how this is gonna help the situa-
Announcer: A controlling taxi driver won't take no for an answer as he snaps and kills tonight.
[The doorbell rings.]
Narrator: Here we have a usual visitor of the Auger residence. He comes in every day of the week.
[The door opens. Zoltan is on the other side. He makes his way inside.]
Zoltan: helo bot i jsut came here to remnind u that yuore stil and asshole and shuold go 2 hell
[Zoltan flips Bot off (with his finger being pixelated) as he walks back out.]
Beardy Dad: The logical thing to do would be to call the cops, or lock the door, but I mean it's Zoltan so eh.
SpongeBot: This show is terrible, I love it. What were we talking about again?
Beardy Dad: No idea.
[Zoltan breaks the window and peeks in.]
Zoltan: also im goign to cordinate an air stike toowardss ur house k hate u bye
[Zoltan leaves again.]
Beardy Dad: Oh shit. Should- Should we do something?
SpongeBot: Eh, like you said he's Zoltan, we'll be fine. Can't be worse than the music competition incident.
Beardy Dad: The what?
SpongeBot: Season two episode one.
Beardy Dad: Ah… wait I'm confused.
In a world where SpongeBob fanfiction is just grand,
And degeneracy runs rampant all throughout the land
Let me greet you a world full of splendor and misery
The World of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki…
A world where the villain of the First World War is named Golf
Zoltan's got nothing under there 'cause Dan chopped 'em off
Biggest company, last name Productions, first name Box
I promise you that S-B-F-W will rock your socks
Jasbre, he's a crooked duck, and AceBlueWolfe's falling in love
Prim and Polar wrote this show, but writing a theme song was tough
Aaron, Travis, Kelpy, Purple, Liz, it's never enough
Viewer discretion advised - in this world, it can get real rough
But if you'd want to follow through and see what antics await you
Then keep on watching, I dare you
The Woooooorld of SBFW!
[Cut to Zoltan at Missiles 'R Us.]
Zoltan: thats a lot of big explosive lipsticks
Rocky: (in work uniform) What can I say? We've been The World of SBFW's one-stop shop for all your missile needs since two lines ago.
Zoltan: o arent u tat natsee who mad ealts and stuf
[Purple walks by.]
Rocky: Uhh… no, no I'm not.
Zoltan: oh ok. i want ur bigest, badest, most x plosive misile u have
Rocky: Yessire, I see you're interested in our Little Boy.
[Renaud peeks up from the counter.]
Mr. Renaud: LITTLE BOY?!
Rocky: ...it's a missile.
Mr. Renaud: Aw, darn.
[Renaud goes back down.]
Zoltan: how long has he been there
Purple: I think he just shows up whenever his Renaud senses start tingling.
Zoltan: wait how long have you been here 
Purple: Oh, I come here all the time. Just need to pick up some supplies before I nuke somewhere. Isn't that right, Allysa?
Rocky: Yes… that's me.
Purple: My son used up all our missiles on Brazil and Peru.
Primitive: What can I say? I was in a bad mood.
Purple: It's okay son, we all have our moments.
Zoltan: so rock e lobstior aka alysa cna i hav the misilile already its very improtant and for a gud cause
Rocky: Eh, sure. That'll be $20,000 please.
Zoltan: WHAT
Rocky: I said "Eh, sure. That'll be $20,000 please", [bleep].
Primitive: Oh wow he got bleeped.
Purple: I think that only happens when you say a slur.
Primitive: Well it's in character I suppose.
Purple: In character for who, Allysa?
[Primitive gives a look at Rocky.]
Primitive: ..sure. He's not as racist as me though, and I have the medallion to prove it. (he proudly flaunts a medallion around his neck)
Zoltan: ok fine its a small price to pay for destructioen
[Zoltan dumps a jar of coins on the counter.]
Purple: Do you just… carry that with you all the time?
Primitive: Aidan owns all the banks, I wouldn't leave my money with him either. Didn't he blow a load of it on Battle For Bikini Bottom socks ages ago?
Zoltan: i was saving up for a new saxophone but i can wait
Rocky: Alright, here's your missile or some shit. (He dumps the missile on the counter) Now bug off, I need to attend my Ku Klu- uh… important meeting. Everyone get out!
Purple: But I haven't even-
Rocky: Get out!
Primitive: Sad! So father can we go to GayStop and get Miitopia?
Purple: I thought you already had that on 3DS.
Primitive: Yeah but they released it again on Switch with all these cool new features! There's old friends and new friends and even a horse!
[Cut back to the Auger residence, where you (ahem, Liz and whoever the hell else is reading this) probably want us to be. SpongeBot is still on the couch watching Channel 5.]
SpongeBot: heheheheh funny traffic cops
[Cut to Bot's Mom in the kitchen. Beardy Dad enters.]
Beardy Dad: Do you ever get the feeling there's always this really edgy and borderline racist subplot going on somewhere else?
Bot's Mom: Not really. Bot! Dinner's ready!
SpongeBot: Aw, but the show's almost finished!
Bot's Mom: Oscar! Din-dins!
[Cut to Oscar Auger sleeping in his dog bed up against a poster of Nigel Farage.]
Oscar: woof
[Oscar runs into the kitchen where Bot's Mom pours some dog food into the bowl and he devours it. SpongeBot enters and sits at the table. Beardy Dad and Bot's Mom follow.]
Bot's Mom: Ah, it's so great to have the whole family together for a half decent meal.
Beardy Dad: Aren't we forgetting someone?
Bot's Mom: Not that I know of.
SpongeBot: No, no, mum's right. I swear there's someone else who lives in this weird depiction of my house Prim and the other person have in their heads.
[Bot's Brother rushes down the stairs.]
Bot's Brother: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.
Bot's Mom: It's okay, I am just happy you are here now.
SpongeBot: haha you were listening to charli xcx
Bot's Brother: Shut up!
[Bot's Brother sits down at the table.]
SpongeBot: What? I listen to Charli XCX too, she's hot.
Beardy Dad: I can't argue with that.
Bot's Mom: Robert!
Beardy Dad: What? I'm being honest.
Bot's Brother: By the way Dad, that Netflix show you like got cancelled.
Beardy Dad: IT GOT CANCELLED?
Bot's Brother: Yeah.
Beardy Dad: THEY'RE NOT MAKING A SECOND SERIES?
Bot's Brother: No.
[The group awkwardly start eating in silence for a few seconds.]
Bot's Mom: So… how was everyone's day?
Beardy Dad: Oh it was great, I sold a pokéwalker to someone.
Bot's Mom: What's a pokéwalker?
Beardy Dad: I dunno, do you want one, Bot?
SpongeBot: Why would I want a pokéwalker?
Beardy Dad: I have a spare, it came with the game.
[They continue awkwardly eating in silence.]
Bot's Brother: How was your day, Bot?
SpongeBot: Oh, you know, the usual. 
Bot's Brother: Your boyfriend paying you much?
SpongeBot: Aidan is not my boyfriend!
Bot's Mom: I thought your boyfriend was that nice fella who owns Sonic Jam.
Bot's Brother: And Sonic 2 with a line!
SpongeBot: Scott the fucking Woz is not my boyfriend and neither is Aidan!
Beardy Dad: But you write your shows and stuff with Aidan right?
SpongeBot: Yeah, they're pretty dumb.
Bot's Mom: So nothing interesting happened to anyone today?
Bot's Brother: Not really.
Beardy Dad: I don't think so.
SpongeBot: Not anything unusual. Oh Dad, the guy on your T-Shirt got added to Fortnite.
Beardy Dad: What shirt?
SpongeBot: The Rick and Morty one.
Beardy Dad: Cool.
[Pause.]
Bot's Mom: That's it? That's the most interesting thing that happened today?
Beardy Dad: Oh yeah, by the way, this one guy's planning to air strike our house.
[Bot's Mom spits out her drink.]
Bot's Mom: THIS GUY'S WHAT?!!!
SpongeBot: Oh it's just Zoltan, mum.
Bot's Mom: I don't care who it is! He can't do this!
Beardy Dad: You're acting like this is a big deal.
Bot's Mom: This is a big deal! We could all die!
SpongeBot: Eh, Aidan dies all the time, we'll be fine.
Oscar: barf barf woof
SpongeBot: Anyone know what Oscar just said?
Beardy Dad: Nope. I don't speak dog.
Bot's Brother: Probably something about Nigel Farage.
Oscar: woof woof bark bark woof
Beardy Dad: Oscar's acting pretty sus.
SpongeBot: why
Beardy Dad: Maybe we should take him to the vet.
[While they are talking, Oscar moves away from his bowl and walks off in the background.]
Bot's Mom: Maybe we should just sign him up for Dogs Behaving Badly, Dogs Behaving Very Badly even.
SpongeBot: I don't see how that would help, but it would be funny.
Beardy Dad: I've always wanted to be on TV, I could be the next superst-
SpongeBot: Hey, where's Oscar?
[Oscar moves towards a hidden door in the wall his size, stands on his back legs, puts on a fedora and presses a button on a remote to open it up. He steps in and goes down an elevator to an underground secret lab. He runs towards a giant computer, sits down and turns it on. Nigel Farage appears on the screen.]
Nigel: Good evening Agent O. The writers have run out of ideas so they're adding a subplot about you nine pages into the episode.
Oscar: woof
Nigel: Anyway, as for your mission, the evil liberal Zoltan City is planning on nuking the Auger residence, and you have to go stop him or something I don't know.
Oscar: woof
[Oscar gets out of the chair and runs towards a hover-car.]
Nigel: Big Chungus sends his regards, go get them Agent O!
[Oscar flies off.]
Jingle: 🎵Agent O!🎵
[Cut to inside the Box Productions building.]
CrazySponge: well what should i do now
Liz: Maybe go home?
CrazySponge: but i live here, oh also i thought you didnt work for me anymore
Liz: Ah, that's right.
[Liz disappears.]
CrazySponge: o
[Zoltan enters from an elevator lugging a shopping bag casually containing several missiles behind him.]
Zoltan: wassup motherfucker
CrazySponge: oh hi zoltan, are those presents for me?
Zoltan: nah their peasants for spongebot
CrazySponge: o
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: ohhhhh
Zoltan: yeah
CrazySponge: anyway what are you doing here?
Zoltan: oh well uh… it a little embarrassing but i wan to air strike bot's house but i don no how
CrazySponge: well you came to the right place! im an expert at launching missiles!
Zoltan: really?
CrazySponge: yeah. dont ask. so the first thing you wanna do is-
[The hover-car flies through the building.]
CrazySponge: OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
[Oscar backflips through the window.]
Jingle: 🎵Agent O!🎵
CrazySponge: oscar auger? how unexpected of you. and by unexpected i mean COMPLETELY EXPECTED!!!!
[He presses a button on a remote and TV turns on. Hoopla's Fantastic Beach plays and Hoopla does something funny or some shit i dunno.]
CrazySponge: oh wait that's the tv remote 
[He turns the TV off.]
CrazySponge: COMPLETELY EXPECTED!
[He takes out another remote and presses a button. A beeping noise is heard outside.]
CrazySponge: oh wait those are my car keys
[CrazySponge starts looking through his pockets for the right remote. Oscar rolls his eyes.]
Zoltan: what u looking for?
CrazySponge: my trap for oscar 
Zoltan: you knew he was coming?
CrazySponge: i like to be prepared 
Zoltan: y do u have so many remotes in ur pocket
CrazySponge: I LIKE TO BE PREPARED, OKAY?!!!
[Cut back to the Auger Residence, again where you probably want us to be. Bot's Mom is pacing around.]
Bot's Mom: Agh! This is terrible! He can't just fire missiles at our house like this! You're joking, right?
Beardy Dad: I don't think so.
SpongeBot: Mum, it's Zoltan, we'll be fine.
Bot's Mom: I don't care who it is! We need to fortify the house! We need to call the police!
Bot's Brother: That'd be an interesting episode of Police Interceptors.
SpongeBot: I don't think that show deals with people missile-ing people's houses, they deal with crime on the road basically.
Beardy Dad: Shoot. This is why we should have gotten an RV.
Bot's Mom: Rob, this isn't about getting on TV! It's about us being safe.
Beardy Dad: Don't you think you're overreacting just a tiny bit here, honey?!
Bot's Mom: OVERREACTING?! WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE LOVE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?!!!
Bot's Brother: Are you okay mum?
Bot's Mom: Okay?! Okay?!!! Of course I'm not okay!!! I- We're- (she takes a few deep breaths) Look, we all need to evacuate the house, now.
Beardy Dad: But then we'd miss getting missiled!
SpongeBot: I already promised to stream Family Guy on Discord in like an hour, sorry mum.
Bot's Brother: Sounds fun.
SpongeBot: It beats watching Minnie's Bow Toons, that's for sure.
Primitive: (offscreen) YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Bot's Mom: Ugh, I'm calling the cops… 
[She walks off. Cut back to CrazySponge, Zoltan, and Oscar. CrazySponge is frantically searching his pocket. There is a heap of remotes behind him.]
Zoltan: how mush long er is this gonna take
CrazySponge: PATIENCE! i know it's here somewhe- AHA! (he pulls out the remote) COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED!
[A cage drops down from the ceiling on top of where Oscar is, or was because he is now nowhere to be seen.]
CrazySponge: where'd he go?
[The camera pans over Oscar by the bag of missiles.]
Zoltan: OH NOES!!!! THE MISSILES!!!!!
[Oscar sniffs the bag, grunts and walks off towards CrazySponge's desk and tips a bowl of Cheerios onto the floor before beginning to eat them.]
CrazySponge: huh, this dog has taste
Zoltan: can dogs eat cheerios?
CrazySponge: everyone can eat cheerios… in other words i cant be bothered to look it up
Narrator: Cheerios are low in sugar, and dogs will like their taste and crunch. They won't harm your dog, but they don't provide much benefit either. Cheerios are made from mostly whole-grain oats, which provide no essential component of your pet's diet.
CrazySponge: well there you go then 
Zoltan: i don undrstant aanything he said but ok
CrazySponge: o
[Oscar finishes eating the Cheerios, stretches and lies down to sleep.]
CrazySponge: that's it? that's really it? he's sleeping?
Zoltan: isn't nigel farquaad stan supposed to fight us?
CrazySponge: i think so
[Oscar starts snoring.]
Zoltan: oh well, can u show me how 2 blow up spongebot now?
CrazySponge: well i could, but it's not fun doing shitty things if no one's gonna call you out for it.
[CrazySponge pulls out a dog whistle from behind his back.]
Zoltan: u can find that but not the remote?
CrazySponge: come on oscar, come fight me!
[He blows the whistle but nothings happens. Pause.]
Zoltan: wat usauly hapesn in the funy penis & furb show
CrazySponge: OH YEAH! i need to give some sad sob story or something before he fights me. let's think, this shouldn't be hard, i am a very traumatised man.
[Cut to a monochrome flashback of CrazySponge's life or something. It is raining, and CrazySponge is walking down the sidewalk.]
CrazySponge: (narrating) when i was a little boy back on long island… uh…
[Cut back to Box Productions.]
CrazySponge: well… you see, uh… man, making sob stories is hard. zoltan, do you have any ideas?
Zoltan: may be u spilt ur cherios allover the flor or something
CrazySponge: great idea!
[We cut back to the monochrome flashback.]
CrazySponge: (narrating) so, i spilled my cheerios all over the floor.
[In the flashback young CrazySponge spills his Cheerios all over the floor.]
CrazySponge: oh no i spilled my cheerios all over the floor
CrazySponge: (narrating) and then my mother walked in and she told me off or some shit and then i had to pick up all the cheerios 
CrazySponge's Mom: Aidan, how dare you spill the Cheerios all over the floor?
CrazySponge: it was an accident momma
CrazySponge's Mom: Pick up all the Cheerios, Aidan.
CrazySponge: no u
CrazySponge's Mom: Aidan, I am not playing games. Pick up the mess you made or there's no Cheesecake Factory tonight.
[CrazySponge sulks and starts cleaning up the Cheerios.]
CrazySponge: (narrating) i was there picking up the cheerios for minutes and minutes
[Cut to young CrazySponge eating Cheerios at the table.]
CrazySponge: (narrating) and then i made myself a new bowl and it was delicious 
[Cut back to the present. After a pause CrazySponge looks at the camera.]
CrazySponge: what? it scarred me for life.
Zoltan: thats not exactly a very sad story
CrazySponge: well lets see you do better then
Zoltan: ok then
[Cut to Zoltan's monochrome flashback. He is in his house watching Friends, shaking in his seat.]
Zoltan: THSI SZHOWS BHAS TOO MCYXH SEX HWORDS
Zoltan: (narrating) that expefricvne scared me for lyfe and aeevre since that day ive never wagtched friedsn everb agian
[Cut back to the present.]
CrazySponge: that's your traumatic backstory?
Zoltan: it was horrifying 
CrazySponge: pffft, yeah right, not as horrifying as my sto-
[Oscar jumps up and roundhouse kicks CrazySponge to the floor.]
Zoltan: HES FIGHTING US! MY SOB STORY WINS!
[Cut to Bot's Mom standing outside the Auger Residence talking to Officer Nancy and Officer John from Call the Cops. SpongeBot, Beardy Dad and Bot's Brother can be seen and heard watching Family Guy in the background.]
Officer Nancy: Well, I'm very sorry Ms. Auger but there's not really much we can do here except shamelessly plug another dead show from one of the writers.
Officer John: I mean earlier she said she was gonna call the cops, and that's the name of our show, so it kinda works out.
Officer Nancy: Yeah but they also plugged Keeping Up With The Augers earlier, I just think it's kinda scummy.
Bot's Mom: Look, can we argue about this another time? This guy's gonna destroy our house!
Officer Nancy: Sorry, but I already told you there's not much we can do. Stopping missiles from destroying people's houses wasn't really in our training.
Bot's Mom: Ugh! This is ridiculous! Isn't one person, just one person, going to take me seriously?!
Officer John: Look ma'am, we're just doing our jobs.
[Ally walks by.]
Ally: Huh. John Lennon's a police officer now?
Officer John: Different John.
[Ian walks by.]
Ian: The Box Productions Giraffe is a police officer now?
Officer John: Different Joh-
[Bot's Mom screams. Cut to Banana Studios. Golfpecks is on his computer, drinking tea from a coffee mug with a music note being crossed out on it.]
Golfpecks: Ahh, what a great day to be productive.
[The door opens, Zoltan walks inside with his bag of missiles.]
Zoltan: helo golf peks
[Golfpecks spits out his tea and drops the mug on the floor.]
Golfpecks: TRESPASSER!! SECURITY!!
Zoltan: woah woahhsw woabg calm down pengiin i jsut need ur help
Golfpecks: ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am busy being productive and 📈 Trading Stocks.
Zoltan: cna i just borow ur  misle shootig thingy from the frist epsioad of seson 2
Golfpecks: Nope. Now GET OUT!!
Zoltan: i brought strawberries
Golfpecks: Okay.
[Cut to Golfpecks leading Zoltan into the Banana Studios secret base first seen in "the frist epsioad of seson 2".]
Golfpecks: Ah, Sergeant Elmo, I see you're still doing well.
Garfield: I hate this job.
Golfpecks: Cease your negativity, Sergeant Elmo. You work for the richest company in the world of SBFW.
Garfield: Meh.
Golfpecks: You see, uh… I'm sorry, what's your name?
Zoltan: zoltan
Golfpecks: Well, you see Sir Tan, missile launching really isn't as hard as it looks. All you have to do is load it in the thingy and watch the missile fly up and plummet down onto whatever you want to destroy, just like the Wall Street Crash. What a sad day for the stock market.
[Zoltan walks towards the missile launcher.]
Zoltan: so i just load it herr? 
Garfield: Yeah.
Zoltan: huh, crazyspoon made it sound a lot more compwocateod. dont we have too tell a simom cowell sob story or soneyong first?
Golfpecks: Sob story? There's nothing sad about missiles, dear Zoltan.
Garfield: You just load it up, fire, and hope a cute dog doesn't try to stop you.
Golfpecks: Cute dog?
[The camera pans over to Oscar Auger by the elevator into the base.]
Garfield: Yeah, I said "you just load it up, fire, and hope a cute dog doesn't try to stop you". Oh, here comes one now.
[Oscar begins charging towards Zoltan.]
Zoltan: oh noes
[The two begin fighting each other. Oscar knocks Zoltan against the wall and bangs his head on it several times. Zoltan pushes Oscar onto the floor and Oscar backflips onto Golfpecks head and back onto Zoltan. He claws Zoltan which causes him to yell in pain.]
Zoltan: AAASHDJDJDJDJSISKSKXJFJFOSKANDNFJKANSNDJ SPONGEBOT'S CUTE DOG HURT MREJFKDSO! FIRE THE MISSILES! FIRE THE MISSILES!
Garfield: I think he wants us to fire the missiles.
Golfpecks: Okay, I'll load them up and you beat up the furry thing.
Garfield: Ugh, sure.
[Garfield lets his claws out and pounces for Oscar. The two roll out of the way of the missile launcher.]
Golfpecks: Where do you want me to send them to? Is there a music festival nearby?
Zoltan: 21620 n 19th ave
Golfpecks: What?
Zoltan: its bot's house, idk the coordinates
Golfpecks: SpongeBot? 
[Monochrome flashback to earlier.]
Bot's Brother: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.
Bot's Mom: It's okay, I am just happy you are here now.
SpongeBot: haha you were listening to charli xcx
Bot's Brother: Shut up!
[Bot's Brother sits down at the table.]
SpongeBot: What? I listen to Charli XCX too, she's hot.
Beardy Dad: I can't argue with that.
Bot's Mom: Robert!
Beardy Dad: What? I'm being honest.
[Cut back to the present. Golfpecks clenched his fist in rage.]
Golfpecks: THAT FASCIST HORMONALLY CONFUSED MUSIC-LISTENING FAMILY!!! WE MUST SAVE THEM FROM THE FORCE!
[Golfpecks loads the missile up. Oscar, still tackling Garfield (or "Sergeant Elmo" as Golfy calls him), notices and darts towards Golfpecks, but he's too late. Cut to Bot's Mom talking to the police officers outside the house.]
Officer John: Look, I'm very sorry ma'am but as I keep telling you there really isn't anything we can do.
Officer Nancy: See you around citizen.
[The two get into their police car.]
Officer Nancy: Bitch! Who does she think she is wasting our time like that? Does she really expect us to believe that some random person is just gonna send a missile towards their house like-
[The missile begins flying towards the Auger Residence.]
Officer John: Look Nancy, a shooting star! Make a wish, make a wish!
Officer Nancy: Um… John? That's not a shooting star, I think it's a-
Bot's Mom: (running around in a panic) MISSILE! IT'S A MISSILE! THE END IS NIGH! THE END IS NIGH!
[The missile suddenly pauses midair. Liz walks in casually.]
Liz: Sorry to interrupt, but are we ever gonna revive this show?
[Awkward pause. Officer John shrugs.]
Liz: Oh, okay. I- I'll just- 
[She looks up at the paused missile for a few seconds.]
Liz: Yeah I'll just leave you to deal with… whatever this is.
[Liz walks off and the missile resumes flying towards the Auger residence at full speed.]
Bot's Mom: MISSILE!!! ROB! BOT! OTHER CHILD! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!
[Cut to SBFW Street. Several users are casually taking walks. The missile zooms by and the users all look up at it before shrugging it off and continuing to walk.]
Beardy Dad: (from the window) Yeah right, like Zoltan actually sent a missile towards our house.
SpongeBot: (from the window) I mean that does sound like something he would actually do.
Beardy Dad: (from the window) It's probably just some trick to get us to come outside with her.
SpongeBot: (from the window) Oh right.
Bot's Brother: (from the window) We're not falling for it mum!
Bot's Mom: NO! THIS ISN'T A TRICK! THIS IS- oh who am I kidding we're fucked.
Officer Nancy: It's a miracle the missile's moving so slowly.
[Peter Griffin and Brian Griffin are taking a walk.]
Peter Griffin: So then I said to her, "Holy crap, Lois, I'm in an SBFW show."
[The missile begins darting towards the Auger residence.]
Brian Griffin: PETER LOOK OUT!
Peter Griffin: Shit. Well this can't be as bad as the time I read 'I Had Sex With A Robot'.
[Cutaway to Peter on the toilet reading said episode.]
Peter Griffin: hehehehehe the funny robot had sex with a human. that's pretty funny.
[Polar bursts through the wall and shoots Peter dead with an AK-47. She looks at the camera.]
Polar: I did what I had to do.
[Cut back to Peter and Brian walking. Pause.]
Brian Griffin: You know honestly thinking about it that episode's kinda just morally wrong on so many levels.
Peter Griffin: Brian, we're Family Guy characters.
[Cut back to the missile moving towards the house so slowly that at this point it feels like we're just delaying the impact.]
Officer John: (monotonously) Oh no the missile's still heading towards the house.
Bot's Mom: WHY IS NO ONE ELSE FREAKING OU-
[The missile gets close to the house when suddenly the clouds in the sky part and the sunlight shines directly onto the house. A familiar face emerges from the sky. Cut to SBFW Street where various users are now looking up into the sky in shock. Cut to Peter and Brian walking.]
Brian: Oh my god Peter! It's God!
Peter: That's not God, Brian. It's-
[Cut to PenisMan emerging down from the sky as his theme song begins playing.]
Officer John: OH MY GOD! IT'S PENISMAN!
Bot's Mom: literally who
[PenisMan grabs hold of the missile before it hits the house and throws it back in the opposite direction towards the Jasbre Corp. building. PenisMan flies down onto the sky and onto the ground. Officer Nancy and John jump out of the car.]
Officer John: Oh my God, PenisMan! I'm your biggest fan!
PenisMan: Just doing my dooty. 
[Laugh track. SpongeBot and the other Augers come out of the house.]
SpongeBot: PenisMan? Is that really you?
Beardy Dad: Daughter, you know that… thing?
SpongeBot: Of course I do, we filmed Meme World together, sometimes we go for brunch at weekends.
[Bot's Mom approaches PenisMan.]
Bot's Mom: Well, uh… "PenisMan", is it? Th- Thank you for saving my family.
PenisMan: It's all in a day's work. I don't do it for the fame, the attention, the money… no seriously, I don't get paid at all. I do it because I like flying around dressed as a man with a dick for a head.
Officer John: PenisMan! You must sign my shirt!
PenisMan: Sorry, but my penis senses are tingling. See you all around!
[PenisMan flies off. Everyone stands in silence for a few seconds.]
Beardy Dad: Well that happened.
[Oscar shows up.]
SpongeBot: Oh, there you are Oscar.
[Pause.]
Bot's Mom: So uh… who wants pie?
[Cut back to Peter and Brian walking.]
Brian Griffin: Well that ending was kinda anti-climactic. I was kinda looking forward to seeing the house explode.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, me too honestly. I like things blowing up. But I mean what can you do? It's not like another missile is going to come and-
[Another missile flies towards the Auger residence and everyone fucking dies.
Brian Griffin: All right! Cruel and brutal death!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, woohoo. Um, Brian, I didn't know you were a masochist.
Brian Griffin: Eh, Stewie called in sick today.
[Cut to the Griffin household where Stewie is running away from Lois.]
Stewie Griffin: No mother! I don't want to be in a stupid fanfic about a SpongeBob fanfiction website that has Family Guy characters in it for some reason!
[Cut back.]
Peter Griffin: Well, looks like it's the end of the episode. Brian, are there any loose ends you wanna tie up before we roll credits?
Brian Griffin: I mean yeah actually. Ignoring that we just forgot about what happened with CrazySponge back there, how did that Family Guy episode that the Augers were watching earlier end?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah, we had the abortion.
[The Family Guy closing credits (DAHDAHADHAHDHADHADNADHADNDANAND NADN NADNDANNDANDA) play as the credits roll.]
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