Hoopla's Fantastic Job

"Hoopla's Fantastic Job" is a Season 1 episode of Squiddie's School.
==Characters==
*Squidward Tentacles
*Patrick Star
*Eugene H. Krabs
*Sandy Cheeks
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Sheldon J. Plankton
*Pearl Krabs
*Larry the Lobster
*Bubble Bass
*CrazySponge
*Matchy
*Fred Rechid
*Nat Peterson
==Synopsis==
With SpongeBob struggling to hold down the fort by himself at the Krusty Krab, him and Eugene scout the class to find Squidward’s replacement.
==Transcript==
[episode begins at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is rushing between the register and the kitchen]
SpongeBob: So just to make sure, you wanted a Krabby Patty with Jellyfish jelly?
Fred: Hey, man, you’ve gotta try this sandwich, it’s no ordinary sandwich…
SpongeBob: I don’t have time for this, I have to make you and everyone else’s food. [shows all of the customers sitting at tables, angry] That’ll be $5.99.
Fred: Aight. [hands him the money]
SpongeBob: ONE CRYING PIG IN THE PEN! [launches himself into the kitchen, whipping out the spatula. While he’s grilling the patty, he grabs some jelly from a jar and slathers it all over. However, he pauses midair, causing the jar to break.]
Nat: Yo, yellow bastard. You gonna take my order?
SpongeBob: UGH! [takes out notepad while coming out] And you know you’re yellow too, right?
Nat: I was a hypocrite in Little Yellow Book, I’ll do it again. So I’ll take a- [Fred interrupts]
Fred: Hey, frycook! Where’s my shit?
SpongeBob: GODDAMNIT! [throws notepad] This is not efficient. Just like all of my attempts at luring Sandy. [Eugene comes out of his office]
Eugene: SpongeBob, me boy! I hear dissatisfied customers! And when they’re dissatisfied, so are me pockets! [shakes SpongeBob] So what is it, boy?
[Squidward barges through the door]
Squidward: I’m here!
SpongeBob: Oh, hey Mr. Tent- I mean Squidward. Finally admitting you like Krabby Patties?
Eugene: You’re coming to get your job back! [eyes turn to money] Let me remind you of the capitalist formula!
Squidward: [chuckles] No. I just came here to see how much of a failure this greasy grease has been ever since I turned a new leaf.
Eugene: We’re doing fine, actually. It’s the liberal media that’s censoring me.
SpongeBob: Yeah, doing twice the work has been great. By the way, can I get extra credit if I call you a prostitute?
Squidward: I will NOT be taking bribes.
[Patrick appears]
Patrick: How about I give you a blowjob?
Squidward: [watch beeps] Welp, almost class time. See you all in an hour. [struts out the door, Eugene turns to SpongeBob]
Eugene: You know, SpongeBob, we really could use a replacement for Squidward. So you can go back to yer fry cookery.
SpongeBob: But where would we look?
Eugene: Perhaps there’s a sucker we could pull from Squidward’s school. [paces the floor] We study them one by one and get the perfect one.
SpongeBob: Like The Bachelor?
Eugene: I guess, but there’s no hot chicks.
SpongeBob: Counterpoint: Sandy.
Eugene: You need help, boy-o.
[episode cuts to the school where Squidward is giving a lesson]
Squidward: Now today, students, we will be working with clay. [pulls out a bag of wet clay]
Classmates: Ooooooooooh.
Squidward: It’s… it’s literally just clay.
[Eugene and SpongeBob walk in]
Squidward: HEY! Why are you two late?
Eugene: Oh, traffic was really bad.
SpongeBob: Same.
Squidward: You don’t drive. [starts using the clay to make figures] Whatever, just sit down. So, what you want to do with clay is mold it into- [fades into background as Eugene and SpongeBob make their way to a table in the back]
Eugene: Remember SpongeBob, we need to find the best person for the job. The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake.
SpongeBob: So just study them? I have a feeling we should instead be studying Mr. Tentacles’ directions… [Squidward hears them]
Squidward: KRABS! SPONGEBOB! How about you two come to the front of the class and repeat what I said?
Eugene: [mumbles] Argh… he’s one of those teachers. [hurries up to the front] So, uh, what Mr. Tentacles is trying to say is… uh...
Squidward: I’m waiting.
SpongeBob: Clay...clay.. is what…
Eugene: [sweating] The Krusty Krab is now hiring!
Squidward: [slaps Eugene] No! Now go back to your seats and focus on my lesson!
Eugene: ...fine. [scoots back]
SpongeBob: We should probably just build our module.
Eugene: Nonsense! I can’t afford to keep paying you all that money! I need to find someone to split it up with!
SpongeBob: That doesn’t make any sense, besides my yearly salary is already drastically below the minimum wage.
Eugene: Exactly. The minimum wage is far too high. [looks around the class] Just study everyone’s creative skills.
SpongeBob: Hmm… [puts on binoculars and scans different areas of the class. He looks over towards Patrick first, who is conversing with Sandy]
Patrick: HEY SEXY LADY I’M STARING AT YOU I CAN SEE YOUR TITS [starts rubbing Sandy’s shoulders]
SpongeBob: Don’t hire Patrick. We can’t hire someone who’s just gonna sexually harass the customers.
Eugene: Why not? [SpongeBob shows a deadpan expression. Eugene keeps looking over] Well, maybe we could hire Sandy!
SpongeBob: Sir, this is the Krusty Krab, not Hooters.
Eugene: Again, what’s your point? [looks over towards Sheldon and Pearl] Maybe we could hire one of those two?
SpongeBob: One of them is your archrival, and one of those is your daughter. Neither of them would end well. Are you okay, Mr. Krabs?
Eugene: Never better! [scans over towards Bubble Bass and Larry] Hm… maybe one of these two?
[zooms in on conversation while they’re building clay sculptures]
Bubble Bass: Hm, interesting. [shows Larry’s sculpture of a dumbell] That’s nice.
Larry: Thanks man. Your Mermaid Man sculpture is pretty sick too. [continues building] I own a gym, so you know I gotta represent my hustle. Where do you work?
Bubble Bass: I’m a bureaucrat on the Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Wiki and the Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Fanon Wiki. [Larry raises an eyebrow]
Larry: I see.
[cuts back to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Well, Larry has a job and Bubble Bass… well… has an uncontrollable fetish.
Eugene: [sighs] Why couldn’t it have been a good fetish? Like for arresting people for minor drug offenses?
SpongeBob: Welp, one last table. [shows Matchy and CrazySponge at the last table Matchy is building a cat and CrazySponge is building a house.]
Matchy: Damn Crazy, yours is looking pretty good.
CrazySponge: o
Matchy: Speaking of looking pretty good… [stares at Sandy while stroking her rooster back and forth] Oh… oh yeah… AWEEEEEEEEEAWWWWWWWWW [Squidward walks over]
Squidward: How are you two doing on your- OH MY GOD?! Matchy, what have I told you about taking part in such degenerate habits inside my classroom?! This is an educational program! Now go sit outside the classroom! [Matchy gets up and walks out with her head down, Squidward looking at her in shame] Your house looks good, CrazySponge. [walks back to desk; cuts to Eugene and CrazySponge both intrigued]
Eugene: Now HE’S the one.
SpongeBob: You know, you’ve said that about everyone, but this time I actually agree with you. Let’s go see what he’s up to. [the two walk over to greet CrazySponge]
Eugene: CrazySponge! How’s it going?
CrazySponge: Pretty HOOPLA!
Eugene: What was that now?
CrazySponge: I said it’s going pretty HOOPLA!
SpongeBob: Well, I see that you are a talented man. That house is pretty nice.
CrazySponge: Thanks. So what kind of hoopla are you two up to?
Eugene: We want to offer you the position of cashier at the Krusty Krab. You know, some good ol’ manual labor.
CrazySponge: I’m sorry, can you dumb that down a bit?
SpongeBob: [sighs] You take money from customers. You give them food. You get money- [Eugene puts claw over SpongeBob’s mouth]
Eugene: Woah! Don’t get carried away there, boy-o.
CrazySponge: o… lemme think about it.
Narrator: One hour later…
CrazySponge: Eh, why not.
[Eugene and SpongeBob jump in the air in celebration]
Eugene: Excellent decision. Now just sign this contract, letting me have complete control over you. [CrazySponge scribbles away, hands him the contract and shakes his hand] Welcome to the Krusty Krew.
SpongeBob: Congrats, co-worker.
[Eugene, SpongeBob, and CrazySponge each jump in celebration, but SpongeBob and Eugene both jump in a way that makes them knock over CrazySponge’s clay house. The house falls over and crushes CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: Hoooooopluh… [passes out]
SpongeBob and Eugene: OMG CRAZYSPONGE DIED!!!! OH GOD OH FUCK!
[Squidward comes over with a stern look]
Squidward: Hey now, what happened over here?
Eugene: Uhh… nothing?
[sees CrazySponge laying asleep]
Squidward: Injuring a poor student, ayy? Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob, I am ashamed of you two. In fact! [raises flashlight] You two are sentenced to 2 hours of detention.
Eugene: What?!
SpongeBob: WHAT?!
Patrick: WHAT- is your bra size, Sandy?
Sandy: Ugh… clever one Patrick. [laughs it off]
[episode ends]
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