The Blizzard

The Blizzard is the fifty-ninth episode of Cult of Squid and the seventh season premier. It released on November 6th, 2022 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
Following the move to the North, Squidward and Security run into a group who call themselves the Snowflakes; the remains of the cult purchase a new base of operations. While this is going on, the cult also has their first true encounter with the forces of Heaven.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins with the Cult arriving at a small cabin in the North)
Squidward: Well… It was a long hike… but we're finally at the place.
Noseward: Are you absolutely sure this is the place?
Squidward: I'm willing to take my chances. This was all we could afford with what little was left of the Cult’s money stash. The Sea B&B owner was pretty nice. I wonder if he knows I brutally slaughtered his wife when we took over?
Security: Enough talking, let's get inside. I am absolutely freezing! I feel like my arms and legs are gonna freeze right off.
Crayons: He has a point, Squidward. It is literally -10 degrees. We can actually die if we stay out here for too long.
Squidward: Alright, alright, I hear you. Jeez.
(The cultists walk inside and see the cabin; there’s a main room and two doors leading to other side rooms, a small kitchen, and a pile of guns in the corner labeled “ZOMP”)
Squidward. (Reads "ZOMP" out loud) Plankton, was this one of his bases of operation?
Plankton: Probably, who knows at this point. I haven't worked with the guy in over 4 years. I didn't even remember he existed until 3 years ago. But that doesn't matter, look at what we got here - the best weapons in Bikini Bottom, free for the taking!
Squidward: Well gentlemen, let’s set up shop. 
Security: What did we even grab?
Crayons: Next to nothing. Markers left us with a box of food, ammunition, a weird looking sword, and some scrap metal.
Squidward: Well, you’re the genius, can you make anything of use with that?
Crayons: I really doubt it… But I'll see what I can do. Well, after I warm up, of course. 
Squidward: Let’s get a head count. So there’s myself, Security, Noseward, Doc Crayons, the Feathered Friends, Brother Snoozy, Brother Small, Brother Aidan, Brother Lock, Brother Cactus, and Brother Purple.
SpongeBob: Hey, why did you group the Feathered Friends as one? You didn't do that for the Cult.
Squidward: Man, who cares? All that matters is we're all here.
Krabs: I mean, I sort of care.
Squidward: So I didn't say your name. Big whoop. We’ve got so many other things to worry about.
Noseward: So what’s our plan, Brother Squidward? Do we go back and destroy Project Phoenix?
Squidward: Were you not paying attention? We can't! The dude literally can't even die, and he threatened to kill every single one of us if we went back! If we ever are gonna go against him again, we need a LOT, and I mean a LOT, of preparation.
Noseward: We need to get those brothers back though. 
Squidward: They’re out there somewhere, we’ll get them back to us soon enough. 
Crayons: Besides, who knows if the "Rebirth" is reversible?
Squidward: Security, do you want to go on a supplies run with me?
Security: Sure thing, Brother Squidward. Are there any jackets here? My robes won’t do me much good out there.
Squidward: Check that closet over there.
(Squidward and Security walk to a closet and open it to find a bunch of coats decorated with glued on snowflakes)
Security: That’s kind of funny, because it’s for the cold-
Squidward: We get it, Security.
Plankton: (Examines snowflake jackets) Hmmm. Did these jackets belong to whoever was here last? 
Squidward: (Putting on jacket) I’m sure they probably did. Doesn’t matter, not like they’re using them anymore.
Plankton: But if they left them here, there's a chance they may come back to retrieve them.
Crayons: (Putting on jacket) We have all these weapons, it shouldn't be an issue.
Plankton: (Thinks about it for a second) I guess you're right. (looks at jackets in the closet) Uh, I don't think there are any my size.
Squidward: Okay, then me and Security will go, and you guys make yourselves at home.
Security: Brother Squidward, where exactly are we going?
Squidward: I think I saw an abandoned cabin on our way here. Let’s go there first. 
Security: Wait, there’s two cabins out here? Why did we choose this one over the other?
Squidward: It was strange; I have this map, and this cabin was the only thing charted. I happened to see that other one while we came here, but I didn’t say anything. 
(Squidward and Security leave; we cut to them walking toward the other cabin)
Security: Squidward, do you think there’s anybody else living up here?
Squidward: Doubt it, the North is pretty unpopulated. Wasn’t worth our time during the invasion, that’s for sure. 
Security: But the cabins, and the jackets, and -
Squidward: (Exhales, puts hand on Security’s shoulder) Look, Security, we’re gonna be fine. I learned much about survival and detecting imminent threats from our 4 years of operation. We’ll be okay. Besides, if something comes up, we can call our friends right away.
Secretory: Alright, I trust you brother. (Squints off to the distance) I think I see the cabin up ahead!
(The shadow of the cabin can be seen; cut back to the cult and FF in the cabin)
Crayons: Well, if we’re gonna be stuck here, we’re gonna need the essentials.
SpongeBob: Food and water, right?
Crayons: Precisely. Now, someone’s going to have to go out to get some. There’s snow all around us, so it’s not like we’re short on it or anything.
Brother Aidan: HOOP- (coughs violently) excuse me, something in my throat. I’ll go get some snow. 
(Brother Aidan walks outside with a bucket and begins scooping snow into it)
Brother Aidan: La de da de da de dum de da de dum.
Voice: Aidan… Aidan…
Brother Aidan: Wuzzat?!
(Aidan frantically looks around himself)
Voice: Aidan… Your time isn’t now, but your presence is needed.
Brother Aidan: Hello? Who’s there? Who are you?
Voice: I’m the angel Uriah. 
Brother Aidan: Yeah sure, and I’m God, your sky daddy.
Uriah: Silence heathen! You godforsaken fool, you’ve helped kill thousands in a madman’s quest for power. I think it’s time you pay the world back.
Brother Aidan: What the [dolphin noises] are you talking about, man?
(Out of the white blizzard, Uriah walks up behind Aidan and puts the palm of his hand against Aidan’s head, causing Aidan’s eyes to glow white and light on fire; Aidan crumples to the ground)
Uriah: That’s another off the list. I must tell the Council of Death that we have a long, long way to go before our plan is put into fruition.
(Uriah disappears back into the blizzard; fade to Security and Squidward arriving at the cabin and knocking on the door)
Squidward: Hello? Hellooooo? Hello? Anyone there?
(Somebody looks through the eyehole)
Unnamed Fish: Password?
Squidward: Uh… Password? God, I don’t know. Just let us in. We’re freezing cold.
Fish: Correct!
(The door swings open to reveal Brother Blue; Squidward gets this flashback of Squidward walking to the cult jail room and pushing Blue into a cell)
Blue: (wakes up) I’ll have my revenge! You’ll see!!
(Sudden cut back)
Squidward: BROTHER BLUE?!
(Before Squidward could react, Blue hits Squidward on the head and knocks him out; Security tries to tackle him but Blue does the same to him; fade to the cult and FF in the cabin)
Crayons: Hmmmm.
Krabs: What’s wrong?
Crayons: Brother Aidan has been gone an awful long time. I just worry for his safety.
Noseward: Well, should we go after him?
Crayons: Ehhhh…. You go after him, Noseward.
Noseward: What?! Why me?!
Crayons: I’m not going out there. It’s too cold. Plus, you brought it up.
Noseward: FINE. I’LL DO YOUR STUPID CHORE. Not like I have much else to do anyways.
(Noseward walks outside with a bucket: Cut to him outside
Noseward: Dumb Crayons. He’s so smart, why doesn’t he just invent a portable heater or something. 
(Noseward stops when he trips on something in the snow)
Noseward: YEOW! F[dolphin chirp], WHAT IN THE - (Turns to look at what tripped him, and notices something strange;  Noseward walks up to the thing and sees that it’s Brother Aidan, laying face down dead in the snow)
Noseward: What in the… Is he… (Silently gasps in horror, runs offscreen) 
(Cut back to inside the cabin; Noseward runs inside screaming)
Noseward: CRAYONS! CRAYONS!!!! CRAYONS!!!!
Crayons: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?! GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN! WHAT COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN?
Noseward: (Hyperventilating) Brother… Brother…
Crayons: Brother who?! Noseward, catch your breath! You’re hysterical!
Noseward: (Breathes in deeply before yelling) BROTHER AIDAN IS F[dolphin noise] DEAD!!!!!
Crayons: WHAT?!
(Cut to everyone running to Aidan’s corpse)
Crayons: Good GOD, this is horrific! His eyes are… so lifeless. It’s like… it’s like… his soul was sucked from his body entirely!
SpongeBob: But, that’s impossible! Satan has been defeated for years now, and he is the only one who could’ve done that!
Plankton: Now, now. No need for the hasty theories. I’m sure an autopsy will reveal what exactly killed him. 
Crayons: (Sighs) I guess it’s worth a shot.
Plankton: So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go out and move the body inside before we freeze to death.
(Crayons, Krabs, and SpongeBob go outside to bring Brother Aidan inside; cut to Squidward and Security waking up inside of a familiar looking cabin on a red sofa with Brother Blue and a mysterious purple hooded figure)
Squidward: Huh? Where am I? Security, are you here?
Security: Yeah, I’m still here. I think, at least. I barely know if I’m even alive.
Squidward: What is this place?
Brother Blue: Well for one, it’s my new home since you imprisoned me and I got broken out.
Squidward: Blue, you tried to f[dolphin noise] KILL us, of COURSE we’d capture you.
Security: Squidward, did you ever do the official stripping of the brother title?
Squidward: I don’t believe I did. I guess now is as good a time as any. Blue - you’ve officially lost the title of “brother”. 
Blue: I hate you just a little bit more now. But it doesn’t matter anymore. But I have to ask, what brings you up here? I thought you considered these mountains too desolate for Cult control.
Squidward: (Mumbling) we were defeated…
Blue: I’m sorry, one more time?
Squidward: (Shouting suddenly) WE WERE DEFEATED. ARE YOU F[dolphin noise] HAPPY?!
(Blue has an intense laughing fit)
Hooded Figure: Silence, SILENCE all of you. We’re getting sidetracked.
Squidward: And who exactly are you supposed to be? 
Hooded Figure: What I want to know, “Brother” Squidward is what exactly you’re doing in the North.
Squidward: You know who I am? 
Hooded Figure: Know who- know who YOU are? Everyone knows who YOU are. The main whose brutal regime killed thousands of people in Bikini Bottom and nearly lead to the world’s end? Who WOULDN’T know you, besides a simpleton? AND I AM NOT A DAMN SIMPLETON.
Blue: Fate’s got a point, Squiddy, what are you doing up here as from losing your regime?
Squidward: We had nowhere else to go.
Blue: Too weak to stay and fight?
Fate: Stop pushing him, Blue. He doesn’t have anywhere to be.
Security: Did you two set us up?
Fate: Hm?
Security: The jackets in the cabin close by, were those yours?
Fate: What would you do if they were?
Security: I’m just asking a question.
Fate: It’s a stupid question, Security, yes. Yes, of course we set you up.
Blue: Why would you tell THEM that?
Fate: Because it doesn’t matter. Their friends don’t have much longer anyways.
Squidward: WHAT?
Fate: What, you don’t want to stay and answer my question? We simply want to know what your plans are. I mean, you’re Brother Squidward. I find it hard to believe you would hike all the way up these cold, desolate mountains without SOME sort of plan.
Squidward: What do you mean my friends “don’t have much longer?”
Fate: Answer my question, Squidward. I asked YOU first.
Security: We had to run and the cabin we saw was the only place available that would take our budget. 
Fate: So you’re saying we set you up for no reason?
Security: I mean, yeah, if you’re gonna kidnap us like-
Fate: I must be mistaken, this is the same Squidward and Security that spread death and destruction wherever they go, right?
Squidward: You keep contradicting yourself. You set us up, you didn’t know what we were doing, make up your mind, Fate, what are you going on about?
Fate: I’m keeping you busy, you ignoramus. 
(Cut to outside the other cabin; a shadow figure walks to the back of it, laughing deeply; cut to the inside of the cabin with the autopsy in progress)
Plankton: Well, Crayons? How’s it looking?
Crayons: Not good. Not good at all. There is nothing that hints at how they died at all. None. I checked their vitals, their bloodstream, their brain, everything - it’s like they just dropped completely dead.
Plankton: What about his eyes?
Crayons: I checked that first. Nothing. Nothing at all. His pupils are just gone. I can’t explain it.
Plankton: So… should we just call this off?
Crayons: (Sighs) I think that’s our only option here. I’ve hit a dead end.
Krabs: So… What do we do with his body?
Crayons: I’ll just give him a proper burial outside.
Krabs: Okay, I can help carry him. 
(Crayons wraps the body and then Krabs and Crayons pick it up and everyone follows them outside)
SpongeBob: Hey, do you guys see that? That over there?
Crayons: How can I see anything past this blizzard? It’s pure white. 
SpongeBob: There’s something brighter out in the distance.
Crayons: You must not be feeling well from the cold. I can’t see a thing.
Plankton: He’s not lying, Crayons - I see it too!
Crayons: Well, where is it?
Plankton: Look over there!
(Crayons adjusts his glasses, when he sees the light)
Crayons: Oh my God, you’re right! Something is over there! Men, let’s go! We gotta see what this is!
SpongeBob: But, the burial!
Crayons: We’ll bury him when we get there. C’mon!
(Everyone rushes to the light permeating out of the snow)
Krabs: What the heck is this?
Crayons: This… Lacks explanation. 
SpongeBob: Hey, what if we bury him here? That way, we can dig to see what’s beneath the snow, and give Aidan a burial!
Crayons: Sounds good to me. 
Krabs: But we have no digging equipment. 
Crayons Use your hands. We all have gloves on. Besides, it’s snow.
Plankton: I can’t dig, though. I’m so small!
Crayons: Alright, Sheldon, then don’t dig. Here, stand on my head or something.
(Plankton hops on Crayons’ head)
Crayons: Now, c’mon, we gotta dig!
(The group begins to dig and a bunch of weird symbols are seen burned into the ground)
Crayons: Have you ever seen anything like that?
Krabs: No, never. 
Noseward: Once. 
(Everyone looks at Noseward)
Noseward: It’s hard to explain, but I saw these symbols in those dreams I was having. The ones with that candy muffin. This voice would speak to me and then these symbols would flash all around me. 
Krabs: Do you know what they mean?
Noseward: You think I know?
(All of a sudden, the symbols begin to glow very brightly; fade to the cabin, where the figure takes out a match, lights it, and sets the cabin ablaze)
Figure: Goodbye, Cult. Thanks for stoppin’ by.
(The figure laughs maniacally as the cabin burns to ash; cut back to Squidward)
Squidward: YOU DID… WHAT?!
Fate: I didn’t do it. HE did. Our leader.
Squidward: YOU… MONSTER! OUR FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CABIN!
Fate: Please. We knew that. That much has been established.
Blue: So what do you say, Fate? Do we kill them too?
Fate: (Slight pause) No. They’ve been through enough. Let them free.
Blue: But-
Fate: I said, let them free. With their buddies gone, they pose no threat. Let them die in the snow. That is the only humane way for them to go.
(Blue begrudgingly leads the two to the door)
Squidward: Hey, Fate, I have just one more question.
Fate: Fine. But only one.
Squidward: Who the hell is this “leader?” Are you him?
Fate: (Laughs) How naive you are. I am merely his right-hand-man. Now leave, and never ever show your face around here again. If we see you again, we will not be so merciful. This is your ONLY warning. Begone!
Squidward: I’ll be back for you two. WE’LL BE BACK! SLEEP WITH ONE EYE F[dolphin noise] OPEN, YOU PIECE OF S[dolphin noise]
Fate: BLUE. ESCORT THEM OUT.
(Security and Squidward are forcefully thrown out of the cabin, landing face first in the snow)
Security: Well. Should we cut our losses?
Squidward: No! NO! I refuse to lose this easily. (Stands up from the snow) The cult didn’t get this far by giving up! We- (Notices something in the sky) What the hell is that?
Security: What the hell is what?
Squidward: (Points up) That! Up there!
Security: (Looks up) I have no idea. Let’s get over there fast!
(Squidward and Security run over to the falling object and their friends come into view)
Squidward: Wait, YOU GUYS ARE ALIVE?!
Noseward: Uh yeah, well… Aidan died. But we’re alive.
Squidward: But… Did Aidan die in the fire?
Noseward: No, by whatever’s dropping from the sky. Or at least we think.
Crayons: Squidward, what do you mean by “fire?” There’s no fire here, or anywhere.
Squidward: Security and I were just told by some dude in a cloak and Blue that you guys were killed in a fire. 
Crayons: You mean… Brother Blue? 
Squidward: Well, yes, but he is no longer “brother” blue. He’s officially lost that title.
Crayons: (Shrugs) Meh, he had it coming.
Squidward: So, fill me in. What happened to Aidan?
(The falling object reaches the ground and it’s a creature with massive wings covering it’s entire body)
Squidward: What in the-
Creature: Hello, Brother Squidward. I’m the angel Uriah, and you need to pay penance. 
Squidward: What?
Uriah: Silence! All of you! All of you need to pay penance for letting the evil one out of his cage. 
(Suddenly, Uriah puts his hand against Noseward’s head and causes his eyes to flame and him to collapse)
Squidward: NO!
Uriah: You’re all going to get what’s coming.
(Uriah disappears as Squidward rushes at him, tripping and falling into the snow where he once stood)
Squidward: NO! NO NO NO NO NO!
Crayons: What just happened?!
(Everyone looks in horror at Noseward’s body; we see Noseward reawaken in front of the Council of Reapers)
Noseward: Huh? Where am I?
Anubis: Let’s call it a “space between” Earth and the afterlife. That’s the only way a mortal can comprehend it without their head exploding out of sheer insanity.
Nixon: And for some reason, I’m here. (Does his iconic “V” hand gesture)
Grim Reaper: You really need to stop doing that. 
Noseward: Can somebody please explain what just happened? One second some angel, at least I think they were angels, I’m not sure what it was, but some angels showed up and killed me and now I’m here. 
Grim Reaper: The angels are kind of pissed off about the whole letting Lucifer out of his cage thing, and they blame Squidward directly. 
Noseward: So why did you go after ME? Squidward was with us.
Grim Reaper: This was the only way for us to have a conversation.
Noseward: Again, why me? 
Grim Reaper: Well, we had the angels speaking to you through dreams, but we decided a direct face to face meeting was necessary for this particular discussion. 
Shinigami: The candy muffin was a weird choice though. I  can’t remember who suggested that.
Noseward: What’s so urgent that you folks decided to kill me to talk to me about?
(Uriah enters the room)
Uriah: Well, as it turns out, the Cults adventures with Hell aren’t over just yet. In fact… it’s far from it.
Noseward: What are you talking about? We defeated Satan!
Uriah: You defeated Satan, yes, but in turn, you had left a power vacuum in the fiery underworld of Hell. Somebody has to fill that power vacuum in order to maintain perfect balance. And because of this vacuum, a brutal war is brewing between Heaven and Hell, all because of who exactly had filled that vacuum. 
Noseward: So, who filled that vacuum?
Grim Reaper: Without going into THOUSANDS of years of history, a very old, very powerful demon called Azryth has taken control of Hell. 
Uriah: Azryth was one of Satan’s most devout, and also one of his most powerful. What set him apart from every other being in the pit is that unlike Satan, Azryth wants to go to war with Heaven.
Noseward: Can I just have a second to process all of this. So not only do Heaven and angels exist, but you’re saying that the cult unintentionally triggered a war between Heaven and Hell?
Uriah: Why do you think I killed Aidan? I claimed his soul and I’m going to use it to power some weapons for the war.
Noseward: You killed him just to take his soul? But.. why Aidan? He did no wrong.
Uriah: He was involved with the Cult. That’s wrong enough.
Noseward: But-
Uriah: Watch your tongue, mortal. Believe me, we killed him in the most merciful way we could have. He died a quick and painless death.
Noseward: So what do you need from me then?
Grim Reaper: Tell the others that war’s coming and they have to be prepared to fight a very powerful threat. Azryth could very well attack you guys before you even have time to react. 
Noseward: We defeated Satan, we can defeat this Azyrth dude. 
Uriah: You misunderstand. Azyrth has become a much more powerful being than Satan by a long shot. He’s been consuming thousands of souls of the damned in order to increase his power tenfold, a line Satan never crossed because souls don’t tend to mix well with angels directly. Demons, however? That’s a different story entirely. 
Noseward: Cool, we’ve got the Devil 2.0. Anything else?
Anubis: Go home, Noseward. You will learn more in due time.
Uriah: If you do this for us, we will refrain from killing all of you for your souls, as we planned.
Noseward: But, I-
Uriah: Enough. Just go and tell what you heard today. Goodbye, Noseward. Don’t disappoint us.
(Noseward glows white and suddenly reappears exactly where he died)
Squidward: NOSEWARD?! WHAT’S HAPPENING?!
Noseward: I’ve got news…bad news.
(The episode ends with everyone looking at Noseward with confusion and slight terror)
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