Episode 403: Shields & Yarnell/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 403: Shields & Yarnell.
==Cold Open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter	Shields and Yarnell? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Shields and Yarnell.
 	
 	They have assumed the roles of robots. Yarnell smears lipstick on her face while Shields rises out of his chair, then falls over.
Scooter	Boy! Kermit's finally booked guest stars weirder than we are!
 	Shields rises from the floor, and they both face the camera.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Shields and Yarnell! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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Waldorf	Hey, aren't we in the wrong place?
Statler	I wish we were, but there's the frog.
 	
 	Gonzo vanishes as he plays his trumpet.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, do we have a good one for you tonight? Don't ask, of course we do! Tonight's guest stars are those phenomenal artists of mime, Shields and Yarnell.
Scooter	Boss! Boss! Bad news about the guest stars!
Kermit 	What is it, Scooter?
Scooter	They're machines! Shields and Yarnell are robots!
Kermit 	(scowls) They are not.
Scooter	They are so! They were just moving like this. (walks like a robot)
Kermit 	Scooter! Watch out for the orchestra pit!
Scooter	(falls) WHOAAA! (crash!)
Kermit 	Boy. Right into the tuba. Hey, Tiny, would you give a blast on that thing?
 	With a toot, Scooter is launched back onto the stage.
Kermit 	Scooter, are you okay?
 	Scooter gets up, cross-eyed.
Scooter	Fine, boss. J-just fine. (stumbles across the stage)
Kermit 	Okay, uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, "Take a Chance".
Scooter	I did. I did.
Kermit 	Okay, "Take a Chance"!
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 	The curtain opens. Green birds sing "Take a Chance on Me" while bouncing on telephone pole wires.
Statler	That's what you'd call a wire act.
Waldorf	On this show, everything's a wire act.
Statler	Oh?
Waldorf	Sure. You keep asking, "Wire they doing that?"
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The birds pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, nice number, birds. Very nice.
Bird 	Hey Kermit?
Kermit	Yeah?
Bird 	Do we get paid extra for working on the high wire?
Kermit	Uh, no.
Birds 	Cheap! Cheap!
 	They walk off in disgust. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit	Yeah, Fozzie?
Fozzie	You know, Shields and Yarnell have been teaching me the subtle art of mime.
Kermit	Mime. Uh-huh.
Fozzie	Yeah, hey, watch this, okay? Tell me what it is. Ahem. (pretends to walk up the stairs) Ahh. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Kermit	Uh, "bear walking up stairs".
 	
Fozzie	Riiiiight! Okay, watch this, okay, tell me what this is now. (he slowly rises up) Huh? What's that? What's that?
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, look, I'm really kinda busy right now.
Fozzie	I'll do it again.
Kermit	Uh, "bear going up escalator".
Fozzie	You got it! Aaahhh! Okay, now here is my biggie. Okay? Watch this. Ahem. (demonstrates)
Kermit	(not looking at Fozzie) Uh, "bear walking against the wind".
Fozzie	You weren't even looking.
Kermit	I didn't have to. All mimes do walking against the wind. Fozzie, you've gotta be more original. (walks to the stage)
==The Clinkers==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest stars tonight are masters in the art of mime. Here they are, doing one of their classic sketches, "Robots Having Breakfast", ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell.
 	Open on a kitchen. As synthetic music plays, Mr. Clinker, wearing a robe and with a pipe in his mouth, mechanizes his way towards the table, briefly glancing at the camera and batting his eyebrows.
 	He and Mrs. Clinker move towards each other to give a hug. They both go to the table. Mrs. Clinker pours cereal and milk into both bowls as Mr. Clinker sits down. Mrs. Clinker sits down.
 	
 	Mr. Clinker picks up the glass of orange juice, and pours it on himself. Mrs. Clinker does the same. They both spoon cereal onto themselves. Mrs. Clinker falls face-first into the bowl, then rises up. She spits cereal at Mr. Clinker, and they both fall on their backs, knocking over the table. Applause.
Statler	Is that their act?
Waldorf	Yep.
Statler	How come they don't talk?
Waldorf	Because it's mime.
Statler	I thought you said it was theirs!
 	They look at each other in confusion.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie pretends to take something out of his hand, then looks up.
Fozzie	Hey, Floyd, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay — (demonstrates)
 	
Floyd 	Hey, man, I don't know what kind of trip you're on, but I hope you bought a return ticket! (chuckles)
Fozzie	Okay — what does it look like I'm doing?
Floyd 	Heh, it looks like you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.
Fozzie	Right! Right! That's exactly right. How many mimes have you seen doing that? Huh?
Floyd 	Only one. And he got killed doing it.
Fozzie	Killed?
Floyd 	Well, come to think of it, he wasn't a mime. He was just some guy who tried to feed an elephant spaghetti. They hate Italian food. (chuckles)
 	Gonzo watches from upstairs.
Fozzie	That's a terrific idea for my finish in this act! Okay, here. (demonstrates) See, I feed the spaghetti, and the elephant takes, takes my hand with his trunk, and then wraps around my neck, and he takes me down — (falls down, then gets up) Aah!
Floyd 	(to viewer) The brain of the bear has gone bye-bye.
 	He ankles away. Gonzo knocks on the dressing room door.
==Dressing Room==
 	Shields and Yarnell put on their eyeliner. Gonzo knocks on the door and peers in.
Gonzo 	Hi, guys. Mind if I come in?
 	They smile, and go about their makeup. Gonzo walks towards them.
Gonzo 	Boy, you look happy. (sigh) I'm not happy.
 	They make sad faces.
Gonzo 	(sigh) I'm miserable. See, I gotta come up with an act for next week's show. You guys know the kind of acts I do?
 	
 	Yarnell nods, and makes a funny face.
Gonzo 	That's it! That's exactly what I do. Listen, if you were me, what would you recommend?
 	She points him to Shields, who warms up his hands.
Gonzo 	He's gonna show me.
 	
 	Shields mimes playing the piano. He loosens his fingers, straightens his hair, sits on the bench, lifts the piano cover, examines the sheet music, then starts playing.
Gonzo 	Yeah? … Uh huh. Yeah? Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, okay, I think I got it. Yes? This is — that's fantastic! How does he do it? That's exactly my new act! Fantastic! I can see it all now — Gonzo, massaging a snake! Whoopee!
 	The mimes both freeze, with confusion on their faces. Gonzo runs out of the room.
Shields & Yarnell	Massaging a snake?
 	They shrug, and continue with their makeup.
==UK Spot==
 	
 	Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Quongo 	
I've been around the world,
Had my pick of any girl.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.
Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo 	Ev'rybody knows my name.
Little people	Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Quongo 	But it's just a crazy game.
Little people	What's goin' on up there?
Quongo 	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people	
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo 	Listen to the band, they're playing just for me.
 	The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Quongo 	Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Little people	(groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Quongo 	
All the applause, all the parades,
And all the money I have made…
Little people	Can you spare a dime?
Quongo 	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo 	Listen, all you fools out there —
Little people	Oh yeah? What?
Quongo 	Go on and love me! I don't care!
Little people	(groaning)
Quongo 	Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people	Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo 	Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
 	Applause.
==Wild West==
 	A saloon, evening. Beauregard the bartender wipes a table. A bow-legged, cross-eyed cowboy (Yarnell) enters and sits at a table. A gunsmith (Shields) enters on his invisible horse, shooting an invisible gun. He falls off, then sits down by the cowboy.
Shields 	Howdy, partner.
Beauregard	Well, I'll just see what these two buckaroos want.
 	Yarnell watches as Shields deals the invisible cards.
Yarnell 	(to Beauregard) What's the matter, never seen anyone shuffle cards before?
 	
Beauregard	Before, yes. Now, no.
Shields 	Bartender, get us two sarsaparillas!
Beauregard	Yes, sir.
Shields 	Okay, let's play some poker. All right.
 	He deals an invisible hand to both of them. They each look at their cards, glancing at each others' hands. They both put some money on the table.
Shields 	I call ya!
 	They lay down their hands.
Shields 	That's four kings.
Yarnell 	That's a pair o' threes.
Shields 	Four kings.
Yarnell 	Pair o' threes!
Shields 	That's four kings!
Yarnell 	Threes!
Shields 	Kings!
Yarnell 	Threes!
Shields 	Kings!
Yarnell 	Threes!
Shields 	Kings!
Yarnell 	Threes!
Shields 	Kings!
Yarnell 	Oh yeah?
 	They get in a fistfight. Shields turns into Yarnell's punching bag. Yarnell takes a small break from punching to address the audience.
Yarnell 	He's always cheatin' me!
 	Shields goes down with one final blow. He stumbles to the bar, and removes his invisible gun from his holster.
Beauregard	Say, we don't allow no gunfights in here, mister.
 	Shields does some fancy gun work, then fires Beau's hat clean off.
Beauregard	Have a nice fight.
Yarnell 	(looks at cards) Ya know, he is right. It is four kings.
 	The big standoff begins. They walk up to each other.
Yarnell 	One, two, three.
 	They turn away. Shields steps three paces and turns. Yarnell fires, and Shields goes down with a bang. Yarnell takes a swig, throws the invisible glass in the air and shoots it. Yarnell blows his gun and it goes off again, propelling him to the window.
Beauregard	Poor feller. His finger went off accidentally.
 	Applause.
==The Snerfs==
	
	The Snerfs dance to "Little Brown Jug".
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit, Kermit, I am all ready with my mime act.
Kermit	Oh, good, uh, 'cause you're on next.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah. Hey, I've really got some original ones, too. My opening is dynamite! Watch this.
Kermit	Yeah?
Fozzie	"Bear watching a tennis match between two turtles." Ahem.
 	
 	He rests his head on Kermit's desk, then moves his head back and forth.
Kermit	Uh ... uh, Fozzie, that's a little slow for an opener.
Fozzie	You're right. I'll switch it to giraffes.
 	He does the same thing, only looking up this time.
Kermit	Uh, that's better.
Fozzie	Much better!
Kermit	… Well, it's better.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, then there is this classic!
Kermit	Uh huh.
 	He mimes steering a car, then opening the door, and yelps.
Fozzie	Huh? Huh? Huh? (Kermit shakes his head) The frog is shaking his head? Shaking his head at the classic, "Bear going to drive-in movie with porcupine"?
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie …
Fozzie	Yes, yes?
Kermit	Uh, you see, Shields and Yarnell have made a career out of mime.
Fozzie	Yeah.
Kermit	They've worked very hard to perfect it, and if you go out there —
Fozzie	Oh, yeah, yeah, right. They'll suffer by comparison. I understand. You do not want me to show up your guests.
Kermit	Uh …
Fozzie	Tell you what. (discreetly) I'll lay back a little.
Kermit	No no no, don't do that.
Fozzie	You're right. I'll give it my best shot. Kermit, it's a cruel business.
Kermit	Uh, it certainly is. I'll go introduce you. (walks on stage)
Fozzie	Okay. "Bear walking on stage"! (walks)
==Fozzie's mime act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, our own Fozzie Bear is making his debut in the classic art of mime. Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you, and thank you, Mr. Frog! All right! Here is my first mime! Picture if you will, a bear watching a tennis match between two giraffes.
 	He prepares himself, then does the routine. He gets limited applause.
Fozzie 	Uh … uh, between two turtles? Huh? (lowers his head and does it again) See, they're slow … all right. Uh, now, picture if you will, a bear at a drive-in movie, with a porcupine. Ahem.
Waldorf	Hey! What's the name of the movie playing at the drive-in?
Fozzie 	Uh — I don't know! What's the point?
Statler	You'll find out if you're there with a porcupine!
 	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie 	Uh, all right. Moving right along. Ahem. As you all know, elephants hate spaghetti. So with that in mind, picture if you will —
Statler	Wait a minute! Italian elephants don't hate spaghetti! They love it!
Fozzie 	Uh, this is not an Italian elephant! This one hates spaghetti! Do you mind? (tries to do the act) See, see, then he's — oop — he's got me by the throat! Aah! And then he's trying to kill me! AAGH!
 	
Statler	He might as well! You've been dying all night! He'll put you out of your misery!
Waldorf	He'll put us out of ours, too.
 	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie 	See, see, he's got — he's on — he's …
 	The audience starts booing.
Fozzie 	Wait, you don't — this is art! Please! I … I … (sadly) Picture if you will, a bear, crawling offstage, helpless.
 	He crawls offstage, helpless. Applause as his fanfare plays.
Waldorf	I don't understand him. Why doesn't he do something clever, like walking upstairs or walking against the wind?
Statler	No way. The bear's got no imagination.
 	They shake their heads.
=="Make 'Em Laugh"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay! Well, so far, we have certainly proved that our very special guest stars are masters of the art of mime. Well, here they are now to show you that they do everything good too. Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!
 	The curtain opens, revealing a circus setting with an audience full of Muppets. Shields and Yarnell come out dressed as acrobats, dancing and tumbling to the music.
Muppets 	
Make 'em laugh! Make 'em laugh!
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
Fozzie 	My dad said "Be an actor, my son…"
Muppets 	"… but be a comical one!"
Shields 	Okay, you want comedy? You got it! It's animal impression time! Do I hear any requests?
Blue man	How about a gorilla?
Shields 	A gorilla! Terrific.
 	Quongo trembles with excitement as Shields assumes the mannerisms of a gorilla. Ta-da!
Quongo 	Boy oh boy, magnificent! Heh heh! The guy's a genius! Heh heh!
Shields 	Do I hear another one?
Leo 	Uh, yeah, a lizard.
Shields 	A lizard.
 	He crawls around, puffs his cheeks and jumps. Ta-da!
Lizard 	Amazing! He looks just like Uncle Harry!
Shields 	How about one more suggestion?
Gonzo 	Would you consider a chicken?
Shields 	(spins around) Hey! Haha …
 	He walks over to Gonzo, pretending to be attacked by a chicken. Camilla materializes next to Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Give this guy the Nobel Prize!
 	Shields and Yarnell resume dancing.
Muppets 	
Make 'em roar! Make 'em scream!
Take a fall, run a wall, split a seam!
You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace,
You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place, 
And then you get a great big custard pie in the face!
Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em la-a-augh!
 	Yarnell takes a break to tap-dance as Animal plays the drums.
Muppets 	Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
Shields 	Wait a minute, one last mime! Ladies and gentlemen, feeding spaghetti to an elephant!
Fozzie 	Hold it! Ho, ho, please! Hold it! This man stole my biggie!
Yarnell 	Aw, no he didn't!
 	Shields shoos him off the stage so they can finish.
Muppets 	Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
 	Shields and Yarnell do some final showboating as the music concludes. They take a bow as the audience applauds.
 	
==Goodnights==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Okay! Well, that just about wraps up another version of The Muppet Show! But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Shields and Yarnell! Yaaaay!
 	They come out and take a bow.
Yarnell	Kermit, we had an incredible time tonight.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Shields	Yeah. We did, and we want to thank Fozzie Bear for giving us that classic sketch, "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant".
Yarnell	That's right.
Fozzie 	Aw, that's okay, I figured you need some quality material in your act.
Yarnell	We do, huh?
 	
Gonzo 	And thanks for showing me that chicken trick. It really works!
Yarnell	Any time.
Gonzo 	Come on, girls!
Fozzie 	What?
 	Chickens flock the stage.
Shields	Hey, Gonzo, it looks like you've really been busy.
Gonzo 	Ha! Well, my coop runneth over.
Fozzie 	Hahahahaha!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Yarnell roughhouses Shields, who in turn, roughhouses Fozzie, who in turn, roughhouses one of Gonzo's chickens as the credits roll.
Gonzo 	Stop that!
Waldorf	Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler	What?
Waldorf	It ends.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts