Dumb and Dumber/Transcript

FADE IN:
EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING
A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting
for a bus. She's carrying books and looking very collegiate.
A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past,
SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES, and backs up. The Young Woman stares at
her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is all
about.
Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD
CHRISTMAS, age 30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a
little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.
 LLOYD
 Excuse me, can you tell me how to
 get to the medical school? I'm
 supposed to be giving a lecture in
 twenty minutes and my driver's a bit
 lost.
 YOUNG WOMAN
 (heavy European accent)
 Go straight aheads and makes a left
 over za bridge.
Lloyd checks out her body.
 LLOYD
 I couldn't help noticing the accent.
 You from Jersey?
 YOUNG WOMAN
 (unimpressed)
 Austria.
 LLOYD
 Austria? You're kidding.
 (mock-Australian accent)
 Well, g'day, mate. What do you say
 we get together later and throw a
 few shrimp on the barbie.
The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 (to self)
 Guess I won't be going Down Under
 tonight...
He SIGHS and zips the window back up.
 2.
INT. LIMO
Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front
seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S CAP on his head and drives
away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!
The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:
 DISPATCHER
 (v.o.)
 Carr 22, come in, car 22...
Lloyd grabs his CB mike.
 LLOYD
 This is 22.
 DISPATCHER
 22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?
 You're running late on the East Side
 pick-up.
 LLOYD
 Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my
 way.
 DISPATCHER
 (v.o.)
 Well hurry it up. And make sure you
 park legally. One more ticket and
 your ass is history.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY
This building is white with black spots on it, like a
DALMATION. Over the front door is an awning shaped like a
DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.
The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs
hanging off the sides, a tail in the rear, and a dog's snout
on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.
HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in
a ridiculous BEAGLE COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY
EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it, and a swarm
of DOGS pile out.
 HARRY
 Okay, gang, single file. You know
 the rules: No pushing, no humping,
 and no sniffing heinies...
 3.
The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR.
PALMER, sticks his head out.
 PALMER
 Hey, why aren't those mutts on
 leashes?
 HARRY
 The same reason you're not on a leash,
 sir because it's demeaning and it
 chafes like hell.
 PALMER
 Just get them in here now! They all
 have to be bathed and clipped in an
 hour.
Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but
they pay no attention. He struggles to keep them from
wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits
them on a wall.
 HARRY
 You kids stay right here...
As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall
isn't a wall it's a flatbed truck. The truck drives away,
taking the two dogs with it.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 (at truck)
 Hey, wait a minute!
Harry chases after the vehicle.
 CUT TO:
EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY
Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined
driveway. He gets out and looks up in awe at an IMPRESSIVE
STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the
front oor and RINGS THE BELL.
The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON
appears. She's 25 and gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when
he lays eyes on her.
 MARY
 Hello.
 (beat)
 I'll be just a minute...
 4.
As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of
Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his arms, his hair, behind
his ears...
 CUT TO:
INT. LIMO - DAY
Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the
window, lost in thought. She's got a BRIEFCASE resting on
her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps
glancing at her in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he
is speechless. Then:
 LLOYD
 Why you going to the airport? Flying
 somewhere?
 MARY
 (dead-pan)
 How'd you guess?
 LLOYD
 Well, I saw your luggage, then when
 I noticed the airline ticket, I put
 two and two together.
 (beat)
 So where you heading?
 MARY
 Aspen.
 LLOYD
 Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear
 California's beautiful this time of
 year.
Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another
glance.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.
 MARY
 I'm Mary.
ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate
to impress her.
 LLOYD
 Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.
 It's only temporary.
 5.
 MARY
 Oh?
 LLOYD
 Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I
 are saving up our money so we can
 open our own pet store.
 MARY
 That's nice.
 LLOYD
 (smiling)
 I got worms.
 MARY
 I beg your pardon?
 LLOYD
 That's what we're gonna call it: I
 Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in
 selling worm farms you know, like
 ant farms. A lot of people don't
 realize that worms make much better
 pets than ants. They're quiet,
 affectionate, they don't bite, and
 they're super with the kids.
 MARY
 Aren't ants quiet, too?
Lloyd realizes she has a point.
 LLOYD
 Uh... well, sure but they aren't half
 as affectionate. And if you cut an
 ant's head off, it won't grow back.
 MARY
 I see.
 LLOYD
 And best of all, worm farming is a
 seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year
 industry. I wouldn't mind having a
 piece of that pie, if you know what
 I mean.
To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks
at her watch and crosses her legs. Lloyd can see that she's
concerned about something.
 6.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What's the matter? Little tense about
 the flight?
 MARY
 (beat)
 Something like that.
Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.
 LLOYD
 It's really nothing to worry about,
 Mary. Statistically, they say you're
 more likely to get killed on the way
 to the airport. You know, like in a
 head-on crash, or something.
 MARY
 Um, Lloyd, could please keep your
 eyes on the road.
 LLOYD
 Good thinking. There's a lot of bad
 rivers out there.
Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.
 CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk
and turns to Mary. She looks nervous and disconcerted as she
reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.
 MARY
 Here you go.
 LLOYD
 Keep it. It was my pleasure.
For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This
makes her more lovely than ever.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and
 pass out. You'll be there before you
 know it.
 MARY
 Thanks Lloyd.
 (beat)
 And good luck with your worms.
 7.
Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal,
followed by a PORTER pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her,
ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.
Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a
moment he doesn't even have the energy to turn the key. He
just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED.
There's a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE
OFFICER standing there.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Come on, move it, you're in a red
 zone.
Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.
 CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of
travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and her eyes are
focused straight ahead.
She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN one dressed in
an ARMANI SUIT, the other in a PLAID SPORTCOAT watch her.
 ARMANI SUIT
 She's gonna leave the briefcase at
 the foot of the escalator. You make
 the pick-up.
 PLAID SPORTCOAT
 Piece of cake.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport
window and SEES MARY
WALKING ALONG.
When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too.
She puts down the briefcase and checks her coat pocket for
her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He
turns to see a car irectly behind him.
 LLOYD
 (to car's driver)
 Drive around me, you pinhead!
When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees
that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF
THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.
 8.
He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He
starts to run into the terminal, then notices the Police
Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and
dragging him leg behind him like a palsy victim.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL
The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to
approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid Sportcoat is reaching
for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP
THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at
each other, dumbstruck.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE
Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post
the departure times. He looks frantically at the confusion
of numbers.
 LLOYD
 Damn!
QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he
watches as Mary's airplane taxiing away.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY
Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who
FOLLOW HIM AT A DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk
when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.
HIS POV - his limo is being towed away under the supervision
of the Police Officer.
He takes off after it, but to no avail.
 LLOYD
 You can't do this! I'll lose my job!
As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his
fingers through his hair.
 CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON
We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A
dejected Harry climbs out. At the same time, a taxi pulls up
and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's
briefcase.) Both he and Harry climb the steps of the building.
They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.
 9.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up
and parks. Inside are the Armani suit and the Sportcoat.
They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE
MENTAL).
 MENTAL
 Who the hell do you figure this guy's
 working for?
 SHAY
 I don't know, but we'd better find
 out...
Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.
 SHAY (CONT'D)
 Your ulcer?
 MENTAL
 It ain't gonna kill me.
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR
Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently
toward the door of their apartment.
INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM
Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they
both plunk down in their favorite easy chairs. (Lloyd still
has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY,
tweets hello, but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.
The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The
carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the corner we see a
miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt
and worms. Here are a couple pieces of haggard furniture
with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.
 HARRY
 I got fired again.
Lloyd shakes his head.
 LLOYD
 I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but
 let's face it, you are one pathetic
 loser. No offense.
 HARRY
 None taken. Were you shitcanned,
 too?
 10.
 LLOYD
 Of course not.
 (beat)
 I quit.
 HARRY
 Why'd you quit?
 LLOYD
 I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire
 me.
 HARRY
 Why didn't you wait and see if your
 suspicions were well-founded?
 LLOYD
 Winners control their own destiny,
 Har.
Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one
to him.
 HARRY
 You know, the thing that really chaps
 my ass is that I just spent my life
 savings turning my van into a poodle.
 (beat)
 The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
 LLOYD
 Big deal. That car's an old bomb
 anyway.
 HARRY
 What are you talking about? It's
 only six years old.
 LLOYD
 That's forty-two in dog years.
They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry
notices the briefcase.
 HARRY
 What's with the briefcase?
 LLOYD
 It's a love memento.
 HARRY
 Huh?
 11.
 LLOYD
 The most beautiful woman alive. Her
 name was Mary. I drove her to the
 airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran
 high, breasts heaved. She left this
 case in the terminal and flew to
 Aspen and out of my life. End of
 story.
 HARRY
 What's in it?
 LLOYD
 DO you really expect me to go snooping
 around in someone else's private
 property?
 HARRY
 Why not?
 LLOYD
 (beat)
 It's locked.
They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a
LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the parakeet starts to SQUAWK.
The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to
the
PEEPHOLE.
HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental
are standing at the door.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 (WHISPERING to Harry)
 Friend or foe?
 HARRY
 (WHISPERING)
 We don't have any friends.
Harry is still squinting out the peephole.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Can't recognize them. Could be student
 loan thugs again, or the IRS, or
 maybe somebody pissed off about that
 case of Girl Scout cookies you bounced
 a check on.
 12.
 LLOYD
 Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little
 swindlers gave me Peanut Butter
 Praline.
 HARRY
 Well, whoever they are, they look
 serious. One of them's even wearing
 plaid.
 LLOYD
 (cringing)
 That's a hostile pattern. I say we
 bail and get down to unemployment.
Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the
window and down the fire escape.
 CUT TO:
EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON
The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building
and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out.
Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE
HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.
INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE -
AFTERNOON
STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.
 GRABNER
 Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that
 neither I nor the unemployment
 epartment of the state of Rhose Island
 can do anything for you.
 (beat)
 You've run out of chances. You're
 unemployable. Remember last year?
 Middle of winter I busted my butt to
GET YOU BOTH PRIME JOBS. TWELVE-
fifty an hour, and you went and blew it!
 LLOYD
 Blew it? For your information, we
 only missed three days in two months.
 HARRY
 Yeah, and that was because of a
 blizzard
 13.
 GRABNER
 (exploding)
 YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!
Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.
 HARRY
 Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find
 something else for us. How about
 another crack at that Suicide Hotline?
Grabner jumps up.
 GRABNER
 OUT!!!!!
 CUT TO:
INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen
cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the bedroom.
 MENTAL
 The briefcase ain't here. He must've
 taken it with him.
 J.P. SHAY
 Shit.
 (beat)
 Well he's gotta come home sometime.
Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.
 MENTAL
 Maybe we should leave him a little
 message to let 'em know we're playing
 hardball.
Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around
the bird, who SCREECHES IN
TERROR.
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 (a la Tweety Bird)
 I taut I taw a puddy cat.
Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-
chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird stops SQUAWKING.
 14.
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 (still Tweety)
 I did, I did...
 DISSOLVE TO:
The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd
and Harry climb out and mope up to their apartment building
entrance.
 LLOYD
 Give me what's left of our dough.
 I'll go to the corner and buy a few
 necessities.
Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night
 Train?
 HARRY
 Get Robitussin it's a better buzz.
 CUT TO:
EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT
Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries.
He stops at a newspaper machine, pulls out his WALLET and
removes a quarter.
He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes
that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE HAND to pick up the newspaper.
He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,
and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET
STILL INSIDE.
Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks
his pockets. NO MORE CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN
struggles by using a WALKER.
 LLOYD
 Excuse me, little old lady, do you
 have change for a dollar?
 ELDERLY WOMAN
 Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't...
 LLOYD
 Well could you do me a favor and
 guard this while I go break a dollar?
 My wallet's locked in this machine.
 15.
 ELDERLY LADY
 Of course, young man...
Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as
Lloyd EXITS a few seconds later with a handful of quarters.
Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY, HER WALKER,
AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he
sees that
SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.
 CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT
A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up
the steps to his apartment.
INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT
The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the
couch, looking almost comatose.
 HARRY
 Where's the booze?
 LLOYD
 It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma
 Walton. She got my wallet, too.
Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Come on, man, cheer up. We've been
 own before. I'm sure we'll land on
 our heads somewhere.
 HARRY
 It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet
 Petey he's... he's dead.
Lloyd looks touched by this.
 LLOYD
 Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What
 happened?
 HARRY
 His head fell off.
 LLOYD
 His head fell off?
 16.
 HARRY
 Yeah, he was pretty old.
Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.
 LLOYD
 (hopeful)
 I don't suppose he had a warranty...?
 HARRY
 Nah, I bought him used.
As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.
 LLOYD
 That's it! I've had it with this
 ump! We don't have food, we don't
 have jobs, our pets' heads are falling
 off, we're surrounded by roving gangs
 of larcenous old
LADIES...
 HARRY
 Okay, calm down.
 LLOYD
 No I won't calm down.
Lloyd flops down in a chair.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What the hell are we doing here
 anyway, Harry? We've got to get out
 of this town.
 HARRY
 Yeah, and go where?
 LLOYD
 I'll tell you where: someplace warm,
 a place where the beer flows like
 wine, where beautiful women
 instinctively flock like the salmon
 of Capistrano.
 (dramatic PAUSE)
 I'm talking about Aspen.
 HARRY
 Aspen?
 LLOYD
 That's right, Aspen.
 17.
 HARRY
 I don't know, Lloyd, the French are
 assholes.
 LLOYD
 Let me ask you something: do you
 want to end up like Petey dead in
 some flea-ridden apartment, face-
 down on a Dear Abby column, with a
 soggy sunflower seed pressed against
 your beak? Or do you want to enjoy
 your life?
 (beat)
 Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's
 eath be in vain. Don't you see what
 he was saying? Spread your wings,
 man. he was saying? Spread your wings,
 man. Fly.
 HARRY
 (confused)
 What are you talking about, Lloyd?
 His head fell off.
 (dawning realization)
 Wait a second, I know what you're up
 to. You just wanna go to Aspen so
 you can find that girl who lost her
 briefcase and you need me to drive
 you there.
 LLOYD
 That's bullshit. I'll drive.
 (beat)
 And what's so wrong about going
 someplace where we know someone who
 can plug us into the social pipeline?
 HARRY
 (torn)
 I don't know, Lloyd. I think we should
 stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep
 saving money for the worm store. I'm
 getting a little sick and tired of
 always running from creditors.
Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry
cityscape.
 LLOYD
 You know what I'm sick and tired of,
 Harry? I'm sick and tired of having
 to eek my way through life. I'm sick
 and tired of being a nobody.
 (MORE)
 18.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 (beat)
 But most of all, I'm sick and tired
 of having nobody.
There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then
Harry tries to lighten the mood. He opens his arms wide.
 HARRY
 Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.
 LLOYD
 On the other hand, maybe you're right,
 Harry. Maybe we should stay here and
 try our luck in bankruptcy court.
 With all those lawsuits against us,
 I'm sure we'll win at least one. It
 could be a boost to our egos.
Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches
Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.
 HARRY
 (emotional)
 Petey, I made a promise to you once,
 man...
 (thinking hard)
 ...and I'll be damned if I can remember
 what it was.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny
Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the soundtrack. The van
drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER
AERIAL
SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song
continues to play.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat.
The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out of This Place" is BLASTING
on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:
 19.
 LLOYD & HARRY
 "We've got to get out of this place,
 If it's the last thing we ever do,
 We've got to get out of this place,
 Girl, there's a better life, for me
 and you..."
Lloyd turns down the radio.
 LLOYD
 Well, we're finally doing it. Do you
 realize that in all the years we've
 known each other, this is the first
 time we've done this together.
 HARRY
 Been run out of town?
 LLOYD
 Taken a trip.
Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches,
curious.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Why'd you do that?
 HARRY
 What?
 LLOYD
 Take your seatbelt off.
 HARRY
 Because we just cleared the danger
 zone.
 LLOYD
 Huh?
 HARRY
 Don't you know anything, Lloyd? Ninety
 percent of all accidents happen within
 five miles of home. We've already
 traveled 6.3 miles.
LLOYD THINKS ABOUT THIS. THEN:
 LLOYD
 Well what about the people who live
 around here? What if we got into an
 accident with one of them?
 20.
Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back
on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and fiddles with the radio.
 HARRY
 Where'd you get those?
 LLOYD
 Bought 'em when we filled up.
 HARRY
 Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer
 on all expenditures. We're on a tight
 budget, remember?
 LLOYD
 This didn't come out of our travel
 fund. I was able to scrape up twenty-
 five bucks before we left. You know,
 so we could live in style.
 HARRY
 Where'd you get twenty-five extra
 bucks?
 LLOYD
 I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.
 HARRY
 You mean the blind kid?
 LLOYD
 That's right.
Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.
 HARRY
 What did you sell him, Lloyd?
 LLOYD
 Just some odds and ends.
 HARRY
 Specifically?
 LLOYD
 Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of
 marbles, Petey, three comic books a
 second, are you telling me you sold
 my dead bird to a blind kid? Well
 who else was I gonna sell it to?
 HARRY
 But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a
 head.
 21.
 LLOYD
 Put your mind at ease, friend. I
 took care of it.
 CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a
little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a wheelchair playing
with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the
ead bird up, but it flops into his lap.
 BILLY
 Fly!
Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.
 CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door.
It reads: TO ALL OUR
LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE -
LLOYD AND HARRY.
PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.
 MENTAL
 Those bastards. They're rubbing it
 right in our faces.
 J.P. SHAY
 Shit! Andre will have a goddamn
 aneurysm if we don't get that
 briefcase back.
 MENTAL
 Don't worry, we'll get it back. And
 I'll tell you something else. They
 ain't gonna reach Aspen, either.
 I'll make sure of that.
Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on
them.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops
more antacid pills into his mouth as they descend the stairs.
Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the
air.
 22.
 BILLY
 Come on, boy, fly!
Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS
OUT:
 BILLY (CONT'D)
 Excuse me, mister. Is there something
 wrong with my bird?
Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS
IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as he can.
 MENTAL
 Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew
 south for the winter.
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out
before him.
 HARRY
 How far have we gone?
 LLOYD
 According to this map, about an inch
 and a half.
 HARRY
 Shit. We're gonna need a smaller map
 or we'll never get there. We don't
 have enough gas money.
 LLOYD
 Relax. We have more than enough.
 HARRY
 I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 And I believe I'm right, Harry.
 HARRY
 I still say wrong, Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 How much you wanna bet?
 HARRY
 I don't bet.
 23.
Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.
 LLOYD
 What do you mean you don't bet?
 HARRY
 I mean I don't gamble, you know that.
 Never have and never will.
 LLOYD
 Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal
 that I can get you gambling before
 the day's out.
 HARRY
 There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do
 it.
 LLOYD
 I'll give you three-to-one odds.
 That's three feedbags if you win,
 against only one if you lose.
 HARRY
 You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I
 already told you, I don't gamble.
 LLOYD
 Okay, five-to-one I can get you
 gambling before the day's out.
 HARRY
 Sorry, pal, no way.
 LLOYD
 Make it ten-to-one.
Harry sticks out his hand.
 HARRY
 You got yourself a bet, sucker!
As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE.
Harry immediately realizes he's been had.
 CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor-
trailer trucks.
 24.
INT. TRUCK STOP CAF�
Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables
of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry oesn't look happy. A middle-
aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a
couple of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of
the boys and starts to walk away.
 LLOYD
 (to Waitress)
UH, EXCUSE ME...
The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What's the soup du jour?
 WAITRESS
 It's the soup-of-the-day.
 LLOYD
 Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.
 WAITRESS
 (sarcastic)
 Anything else before I leave the
 area?
 HARRY
 Actually, this chocolate milk isn't
 mixed very well. Could you please
 bring me a spoon?
The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS
INTO THE STRAW, MIXING
THE DRINK.
 WAITRESS
 There. Now you don't need one.
The guys watch her stomp away.
LLOYD
FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID-
back country-folk, don't it, Harry?
Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put
it in the ashtray, he accidentally
KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.
 25.
 LLOYD
 Uh-oh...
 HARRY
 What's the matter?
 LLOYD
 You spilled the salt. That's bad
 luck. We're driving across the country
 and the last thing we need is bad
 luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt
 over your right shoulder.
 HARRY
 What for?
 LLOYD
 Because that's good luck.
Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it
over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a
YELP.
 MALE VOICE
 (o.s.)
 What the fuck?!
 LLOYD
 Or was it the left shoulder?
They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his
eyes.
 TRUCKER
 Who's the dead man threw shit in my
 eye?
The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's
wearing a FOAM BASEBALL CAP that says: WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM,
SIXTY-NINE 'EM.
 HARRY
 It was a terrible accident, Sir.
 Believe me, I would never do anything
 to offend a man of your size. Please
 accept my most sincere apology.
The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his
equally burly FRIENDS.
 BURLY FRIEND #1
 Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!
 26.
Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.
 SEA BASS
 You gonna eat that?
 HARRY
 Um... the thought had crossed my mind.
At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF
TOBACCO SPIT ONTO
THE HAMBURGER.
 SEA BASS
 Still want it?
Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.
 HARRY
 Nah, you go ahead.
Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to
the LAUGHTER of his friends.
 CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON
J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while
Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large truck pulls away,
REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental smiles
at this, and we
 CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK STOP CAF�
The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and
STOMPS away. Harry studies the bill and SIGHS.
 HARRY
 Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I
 still haven't eaten.
 LLOYD
 Well if you'd stop picking fights
 with the locals...
 (brightening)
 Wait a second. I think I just had an
 idea. Follow me...
Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A
nervous Harry trails after him.
 27.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like
 to apologize for that unpleasant
 scene a little earlier.
 SEA BASS
 Huh?
 LLOYD
 What I'm trying to say is, my friend
 and I would like to buy you guys a
 round of beers, just to bury the
 hatchet.
Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the
Truckers seem to like the idea.
 SEA BASS
 Make it four boiler-makers.
 LLOYD
 Whatever you want, sir. I'll have
 the waitress send them over. Oh, and
 fellas hope to see you again down
 the road.
Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.
 HARRY
 Lloyd, what are you doing? You know
 we can't afford to buy them drinks.
Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.
 LLOYD
 Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered
 to pick up our check. They said just
 add this to their tab.
 CASHIER
 (skeptical)
 Sea Bass said that?
 LLOYD
 Well, if that guy at the table over
 there is Sea Bass...
He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass
NODS TO THE CASHIER AND GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING
TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The Cashier is convinced.
 CASHIER
 Okey-dokey, if that's what he wants...
 28.
Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy
bar, and a copy of The National Enquirer off the counter.
 HARRY
 Oh, and put these on there, too.
 CASHIER
 You got it.
 LLOYD
 (to Cashier)
 By the way, how far is it to Rhode
 Island from here?
 CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON
The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS
OUT, followed by his buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.
 SEA BASS
 I'm gonna kill those sons-of-bitches!
 CASHIER
 Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was
 on their way to Rhode Island.
The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY in the
OPPOSITE DIRECTION our boys are headed.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
The Mutt Cutts van breezes by.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef
Jerky.
 LLOYD
 I just wish we could've seen Sea
 Bass's face when he got the bill.
 HARRY
 I hope we never have to.
 LLOYD
 Don't worry. That fish-head is
 probably half-way to Providence by
 now.
 29.
 HARRY
 I hope so.
Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.
 LLOYD
 Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a
 whiz.
 HARRY
 Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now.
 What if they figure out we went the
 other way. They'll be on us in no
 time.
 LLOYD
 But I gotta go. What am I supposed
 to do?
 HARRY
 Hold it.
 LLOYD
 I can't hold it. I'm about to explode.
 HARRY
 Well... just take a whiz in an empty
 beer bottle. There's a couple on the
 floor in the back seat.
 LLOYD
 Are you serious?
 HARRY
 Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping
 now. We could get killed.
Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back
seat and UNZIPS his fly. Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND.
Then:
 LLOYD
 Uh-oh...
 HARRY
 What's the matter?
 LLOYD
 The bottle's almost full and I'm
 still going.
 HARRY
 Well stop going.
 30.
 LLOYD
 I can't stop once I already started,
 you know that. Quick, get me another
 bottle.
Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way
in the back seat for an empty.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Jesus, be careful! You almost went
 off the road.
 HARRY
 I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best
 I can.
He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the
switch.
 LLOYD
 Here, hold this.
Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a
STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle hidden in the bushes. The
Trooper takes off after them.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN
Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL
BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still going at it in the passenger seat.
 HARRY
 What are you, a goddamn camel?
 LLOYD
 Hey, I haven't gone all day.
Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:
 STATE TROOPER
 (o.s.)
 Pull over!
They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside
then. Harry rolls down his window and CALLS OUT:
 HARRY
 Huh?
 31.
 STATE TROOPER
 PULL OVER!
Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at
the Trooper.
 HARRY
 (calling out)
 No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for
 noticing!
He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled
Lloyd.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Jesus, what is this, the fashion
 police?
The Cop turns on his SIREN.
 STATE TROOPER
 PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD!
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY
The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts
van, staring at it with isapproval.
 STATE TROOPER
 License and registration, please.
Harry hands him the papers.
 STATE TROOPER (CONT'D)
 You know, you fellas were all over
 the road back there.
 HARRY
 Yes, sir, we had a little... ifficulty
 in the car.
 STATE TROOPER
 Uh-huh.
 (beat)
 Have you boys been doing a little
 rinking maybe?
 HARRY
 No, sir.
 32.
 STATE TROOPER
 Then what's that?
He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat
between them.
 HARRY
 Oh, that's nothing, sir.
 STATE TROOPER
 Do you know it's against the law to
 rive with an open alcohol container
 in this state?
 LLOYD
 But, your honor, he's telling the
 truth. It's not beer.
The officer smirks.
 STATE TROOPER
 Is that right?
The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He
inspects the beer label, then MOVES
THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.
 HARRY
 Sir, I wouldn't TROOPER --You'd keep
 your mouth shut if you knew what was
 good for you.
 LLOYD
 (under breath)
YOU WOULD, TOO...
Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down
the piss. He pauses uncertainly and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER
HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:
 STATE TROOPER
 (pained)
 Get the hell out of here.
 CUT TO:
The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while
the officer remains in the breakdown lane with his hands on
his knees.
 CUT TO:
 33.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The van is making steady progress through the dark night.
INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger
seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The Smithereens, starts to
play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen.
 DISSOLVE TO:
LLOYD'S FANTASY:
Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered
chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The sky is absurdly blue
and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out
of a dream world. He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary
opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and breaks
into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she
slowly backs into the house, gesturing for him to follow...
Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her,
she pulls off her shirt, revealing her bare back, and glances
over her shoulder at him.
CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY
BATHROOM. The shower is running and we see the silhouette of
two people behind the curtain.
 LLOYD
 (v.o.)
OOH... OOH... MARY...
 MARY
 (v.o.)
 How does that feel, Lloyd?
 LLOYD
 (v.o.)
MMMM... TINGLY...
INT. SHOWER
CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE,
with different shampoos on either side of his head and a
noticeable part down the middle.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 How's the other side?
 34.
 LLOYD
 Nothing. Nothing at all.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 Lloyd, will you wash my nipples...?
ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better
than ever. As the CAMERA PANS DOWN toward her breasts, we
are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS
SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE.
Then TWICE.
ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening.
JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD
THE MUTT CUTTS VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back
into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A shaken Lloyd
lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we
 CUT TO:
EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT
The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment.
A neon sign blinks: GROUP
DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE.
 HARRY
 (v.o.)
 I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little
 sleazy staying here when we're not
 even engaged.
 LLOYD
 (v.o.)
 Hey, it's the only motel that charges
 by the hour. We can't afford anything
 else.
INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL
Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI.
Lloyd is sipping a beer and Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer
as the water swirls around them.
 LLOYD
 Yep, this sure is the life. Cold
 beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink
 sheets... You know, there's only one
 thing that could make this moment
 any better.
 35.
 HARRY
 What's that?
 LLOYD
 If you had a nice set of knockers.
 HARRY
 That's two things, Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 Right now I'd settle for one.
Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and
looks around at the romantic decor.
 HARRY
 I don't know, Lloyd, these places
 just don't do it for me. Brings back
 too many memories.
 LLOYD
 What happened, Harry? Some little
 filly break your heart?
 HARRY
 Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher.
 We stayed at a place like this once
 No-Tell Motel out on Route 31.
 LLOYD
 Felcher? You mean the babe who worked
 for the tractor company?
Harry nods.
 HARRY
 The same. We had this incredibly
 romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd
 be together forever.
 (SIGHS)
 Then about a week later, right out
 of the blue, she sends me a John
 Deere letter.
 LLOYD
 That's cold, Har. Give you any reason?
 HARRY
 I called her up and she gave me some
 crap about me not listening to her
 enough or something like that. I
 wasn't really paying attention.
 36.
Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big
gulp.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Thing that really hurts is I think
 she was seeing another guy. Never id
 find out who.
ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT.
 CUT TO:
EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT
We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over
from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in the passenger seat.
PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the
booth, an ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he
waits for the phone.
 MENTAL
 (into phone)
 The boys are holed-up in a little
 love nest for the night. I think
 they're a couple of fucking weirdos.
INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT
NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless
phone. He's in his late 30s, wears a ponytail, and dresses
in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic.
 ANDRE
 What in hell are those guys up to?
 Is it possible that they're Feds?
INTERCUT CONVERSATION
 MENTAL
 Unlikely from what I've seen.
The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental
to hang up.
 ANDRE
 I don't like this one goddamn bit,
 Mental. You and Shay were supposed
 to grab that bag so we could end
 this shit. Now I don't know what the
 hell's going on.
Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip.
The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again.
 37.
 MENTAL
 Hold on a second, Mr. Andre...
Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer
to the booth. The Man moves forward a few inches. Mental
motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental
punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks
the Anxious Man out cold. Then
Mental picks up the phone again.
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 Sorry, boss. You were saying...?
 ANDRE
 Look, Mental, just find out what
 they're up to. I want to know who
 these guys are.
 MENTAL
 Don't worry. I'm on it.
Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's
not being watched, then approaches the parked Mutt Cutt van.
He's joined by J.P. Shay.
As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW
GROWL. They stop in their tracks and turn, expecting to see
a dog but there isn't one. They both take another step
forward, and the GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental
and Shay stop. He peeks under the car. Nothing.
 SHAY
 What the fuck...?
Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he
touches it, though, the car alarm goes off but instead of a
siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING.
Mental jumps back and pulls his gun.
 MENTAL
 Where's the goddamn dog?
Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now,
forcing a flustered Shay and Mental to retreat from the scene.
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home.
 38.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET
An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her
briefcase) is pacing back and forth in
AN IMPRESSIVE, ANTIQUE-FILLED LIVING ROOM. SEATED ON A COUCH
ARE HER FATHER KARL AND HIS MUCH-
younger second wife, HELEN.
 MARY
 It just doesn't make any sense. I
 left the money exactly where they
 instructed me to.
 HELEN
 Actually, it makes a great deal of
 sense, Mary. We should have called
 in the authorities the moment we
 knew Melvin had been kidnapped.
 KARL
 Now, Helen, we've been through this
 already for Christ's sake, Karl,
 these bastards will extort us into
 bankruptcy if we let them.
 MARY
 But I'd never forgive myself if
 something happened to Melvin.
 KARL
 Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen.
 She's been through quite enough
 already.
 MARY
 It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all
 a little on edge.
Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed
Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks appropriately solemn.
 ANDRE
 Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson?
 KARL
 Nothing yet, Nicholas.
Andre looks upset.
 ANDRE
 Perhaps I should call off the
 Preservation benefit this weekend.
 39.
IT WOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO RE-
schedule.
 HELEN
 No, Nicholas, it's imperative that
 we carry on as usual.
The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl
Swanson holds his hand out to his aughter.
 KARL
 Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do
 everything they ask. Nothing's going
 to happen to Melvin, I promise you.
 MARY
 Thank you, Daddy.
Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe
Mental gets out of the car and props the hood open. He takes
out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his
pocket.
 MENTAL
 (to Shay)
 Lie down on the front seat. After
 they pick me up I want you to follow
 us.
Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van
to come along.
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder.
 LLOYD
 You're it.
Harry taps Lloyd back.
 HARRY
 You're it.
Lloyd immediately taps Harry.
 40.
 LLOYD
 You're it. Quitsies.
 HARRY
 (tapping him back)
 Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies.
 No anti-quitsies. No startsies.
Lloyd shakes his head, defeated.
 LLOYD
 Damn, you're good, Harry.
 (beat)
 Hey, didn't I tell you this trip
 would be a blast?
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van
approaching, and starts WAVING HIS HANDS to flag them down.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN
Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys
don't slow down, through. The just WAVE BACK as they BLOW
RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the
SOUND OF A DOG BARKING.
 LLOYD
 See, I told you these country folks
 were friendly, Harry.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road,
Shay sits up in the front seat.
 SHAY
 What happened?
 MENTAL
 These fuckers are really pissing me
 off now.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY
We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes
by.
 41.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
 HARRY
 Refresh my memory on something, Lloyd:
 what exactly do we do when we get to
 Aspen?
 LLOYD
 Well the first thing we do is take a
 good deep breath of that famous
 Aspenese air.
 HARRY
 Fresh, huh?
 LLOYD
 The freshest. They say on any day of
 the week you can smell a moose-fart
 ten miles away.
 HARRY
 (sincere)
 Wow... talk about paradise.
 (beat)
 And after we're finished breathing,
 what next, Lloyd?
 LLOYD
 Then we make a splash on the social
 scene.
Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Harry, look the golden arches. Pull
 over, I'm starving.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY
The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window.
 MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE
 ...That's two cheese burgers, two fries,
 and two medium Cokes. Five seventy-
 two.
Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a
handful of change.
 HARRY
 Thanks.
 42.
Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys
absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they pull out of the parking
lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window
and WAVES THE BAG OF FOOD at them.
 MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE
 Hey!
But the guys are already around the corner.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along.
INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY
 HARRY
 About this social scene how do you
 expect a couple mutts like us to
 make a splash in the land of pedigrees
 when we don't even have any money?
 LLOYD
 Look, once we drop the briefcase off
 to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll
 plug us right into the party circuit.
 After that, we do a little of the
 ski
SCENE, HOB-NOB WITH THE ELBOW-
rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough
business connections to open a first-class worm operation.
You see, you don't get rich working, Harry. You get rich
knowing the rich.
 HARRY
 Where'd you hear that?
 LLOYD
 Some bum down at unemployment.
Harry thinks about this.
 HARRY
 I don't know, Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 What's the matter?
 HARRY
 Money does terrible things to people.
 I mean, we could lose our friendship.
 43.
Lloyd thinks about this.
 LLOYD
 Yeah? So?
Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS
ON LLOYD.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.
 HARRY
 What?
 LLOYD
 Aren't you forgetting something?
Harry thinks about this.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Back at Mickey D's? A little matter
 you might've overlooked...?
Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail.
 HARRY
 What?
Lloyd rolls his eyes.
 LLOYD
 My change.
As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice
something up ahead.
HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, JOE MENTAL IS
WAVING THEM
DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS
THE ROAD,
BLOCKING THEIR PATH.
 HARRY
 I think this guy's in trouble. Why
 on't you pull over.
Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He
pulls the car to the side of the road. Mental approaches the
passenger window.
 44.
 MENTAL
 You guys going as far as Des Moines?
 My car died and I'm late for a
 business meeting.
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY
They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN
THEM, looking extremely ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle
of an argument.
 HARRY
 It's a fruit.
 LLOYD
 It's a vegetable.
 HARRY
 I'm telling you, it's a fruit.
 LLOYD
 And I happen to know it's a vegetable.
 HARRY
 Tell you what, why don't we leet an
 impartial judge decide.
 LLOYD
 Fine with me.
Harry turns to Joe Mental.
 HARRY
 Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet:
 Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables?
Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his
mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket and we see a GLINT OF
STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though,
Lloyd hits the breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of
hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS.
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER
The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is
crammed into the car including a CRYING BABY who sits on a
pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a FLAMENCO GUITAR
and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG.
 DISSOLVE TO:
 45.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL
The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing
a game while Mental stares straight ahead, furious. His eyes
are watering and he looks ill.
 LLOYD
 Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip.
Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a
few times, then closes his eyes and WAFTS it up toward his
nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Hmmm... full-bodied, delicate bouquet,
 aged to perfection will rip no fart
 before it's time.
 (beat)
 Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's
 rules: you got ten seconds. All right.
 I'll say: cheese doodles, chili dog
 extra onions, garden salad with blue...
 HARRY
 And...?
 LLOYD
 Kit-Kat bar.
Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck.
 HARRY
 You're the best, man.
 (beat)
 Okay, my turn.
 LLOYD
 Where are your manners, Harry? We
 have a guest.
Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully.
 HARRY
 Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly.
 It's only a buck.
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAF� - LATE AFTERNOON
A large neon road sign beside the caf� shows a man's
exasperated face with FLAMES SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH
AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI
 46.
PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER.
INT. DANTE'S INFERNO
Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe
Mental. The boys are each holding up a
POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER.
 HARRY
 I'll do one if you will.
 LLOYD
 Okay, you go first.
 HARRY
 No, you go first.
 LLOYD
 No, you go first.
 MENTAL
 Why don't you both stop being a couple
 of pussies and go at the same time.
 It ain't that hot.
Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE
INTO THE PEPPERS.
 LLOYD
 Hmmm, not bad...
 HARRY
 Yeah, more tingly than hot.
Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A
smile begins to curl on Mental's lips. He pours them a couple
glasses of water from a pitcher.
 MENTAL
 Have some water. It'll help.
Lloyd and Harry who are both sweating profusely now start
to GULP down their water. This, of course, makes it burn
more.
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just
 makes it worse...
The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR
HEADS, much to the elight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental.
 CUT TO:
 47.
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY
Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to
Nicholas Andre.
INTERCUT CONVERSATION
 MENTAL
 It's Mental. I'm just sitting down
 to a nice meal with our boys.
 ANDRE
 Good work. What did you find out so
 far?
 MENTAL
 Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em
 own for information at lunch.
 (beat)
 Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert.
 ANDRE
 Well eat fast, time's running out.
And whatever you do, don't let them get any closer. I don't
need them here running around Aspen.
Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket.
 MENTAL
 Relax, they ain't gonna be running
 around anywhere after I dump a little
 cyanide in their pops.
INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY
Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if
they just finished the Boston Marathon. The burgers have
been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized
to touch them.
 HARRY
 That really wasn't very polite of
 him, was it? Maybe we should loosen
 the screws of his chair.
 LLOYD
 Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you.
 Perhaps it's about time you brushed
UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD-
fearing adults call the Bible. It's crammed with all kinds
of pithy rules to live your life by.
 48.
 HARRY
 (humbled)
 You mean like 'turn the other cheek?'
 LLOYD
 No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.'
 Hand me those peppers the atomic
 ones.
Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S
BURGER WITH CHILI
PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE.
 HARRY
 (whispering)
 Here he comes.
Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back
down at the table.
 MENTAL
 Feeling any better, boys?
As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each
other and TITTER. Then he picks it up and brings it to his
mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES.
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 So tell me, why you fellas headed to
 Aspen? Vacation?
 LLOYD
 More like re-location.
Mental starts toward the burger but stops again.
 MENTAL
 Doesn't look like you packed much.
 All I saw was a couple bags... and
 that briefcase.
 HARRY
 The briefcase isn't even ours. Some
 lady just left it at the airport.
 We're bringing it back to her.
This is news to Mental.
 MENTAL
 You mean you don't even know her?
 LLOYD
 Not really. I was just her limo river.
 49.
Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're
serious. Then he BREAKS OUT
LAUGHING.
 MENTAL
 Talk about being in the wrong place
 at the wrong time...
Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his
head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER, CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost
immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF
HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS
TO THE
GROUND, GASPING.
The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help
him.
 HARRY
 Hey, you okay, man? It was just a
 goof.
 MENTAL
 (STRAINED WHISPER)
 My ulcer... quick... pills... in my coat...
Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but
unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes
some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in
his mouth and starts to MUNCH on them.
For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and
he sits up. Then his EYES
LIGHT UP.
MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is
holding!
 MENTAL (CONT'D)
 You son-of-a-bitch!
Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD.
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON
Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn.
 HARRY
 I can't believe it...
 50.
 LLOYD
 Life is a fragile thing, Har. One
 minute you're chewing on a burger;
 the next minute you're dead meat.
 HARRY
 But he blamed me. You heard him.
 Those were his last words.
 LLOYD
 If you don't count that gurgling
 sound.
Harry lets out a GROAN.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Hey, relax, man, I'm just as
 responsible as you are we both
 slipped him the peppers and look at
 me, I on't feel guilty at all.
 HARRY
 Small comfort coming from a man who
 sells dead birds to blind kids.
 (SIGHS)
 Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a
 ead guy pissed at me. His restless
 spirit will probably haunt me for
 the next seventy-five years.
 LLOYD
 That's ridiculous. You probably won't
 live to see forty.
Harry perks up, cheered by this thought.
 HARRY
 Oh yeah.
 (beat)
 Wow. What a relief.
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey,
we
 CUT TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING
A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS
to DETECTIVE DALE. The etective is a no-nonsense type in his
mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut.
 51.
 DOCTOR
 ...My official conclusion is that the
 eceased expired from oxygen eprivation
 caused by the presence of cyanide in
 the bloodstream.
 DT. DALE
 You mean he was poisoned?
 DOCTOR
 Unquestionably. We found these by
 the body.
He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods
and approaches another COP in the b.g.
 COP
 Waitress says he was with a couple
 of younger guys. They're the ones
 who called the ambulance then they
 hit the road.
 DT. DALE
 Any idea where they were going?
 COP
 A witness at the next table thought
 he heard them say they were driving
 to France.
Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs.
 COP (CONT'D)
 We got a report they were seen heading
 west on I-80 toward Colorado.
 DT. DALE
 Get a make on the vehicle?
The Cop consults his note pad.
 COP
 Yes, sir. They were driving an '84
 poodle.
Dt. Dale does a double-take.
 DT. DALE
 An '84 what?
 52.
 COP
 (straight-faced)
 Well it might have been a wire-haired
 terrier, Detective. They're very
 similar in appearance.
The Detective looks confused, as we
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the
black night toward Aspen.
 HARRY
 Let's get off and crash at a motel
 before I crash into one.
 (yawning)
 I need a crib fast.
 LLOYD
 Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold
 out. Seems we misjudged our expense
 allocation. If we pay for a motel we
 won't have enough for gas.
 HARRY
 What happened to the dough?
 LLOYD
 We over-leveraged.
 HARRY
 On what?
 LLOYD
 I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last
 meal. Felt it was the least we could
 o after we deep-sixed him.
 HARRY
 Wait a second one burger put us
 over budget?
 LLOYD
 The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe
 and a chocolate malt.
 HARRY
 Oh.
 (beat)
 So what are we gonna do?
 53.
 LLOYD
 Drive. We've only got ten more hours.
 We can take turns.
 CUT TO:
EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas
Andre.
 SHAY
 You heard me, he's dead. The bastards
 killed him.
INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT
Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks.
 ANDRE
 Jesus Christ...
Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration.
 ANDRE (CONT'D)
 All right, I want you back here now.
 If they're coming this way I'm going
 to need you.
 SHAY
 (v.o.)
 How's our bankroll doing? Giving you
 a hard time?
 ANDRE
 Melvin's not the problem. It's these
 two other guys that have me worried.
 I wish I knew what the hell they
wanted.
Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement
stairs.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle.
We hear MUFFLED HUMAN WHIMPERING coming from deep within the
well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole.
 ANDRE
 How you doing today, Melvin?
 54.
Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the
well.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives
on. A roadsign reading DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd
Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry peers
at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we
see a series of quick shots:
A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep
with his feet now on Harry's lap.
Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight
ahead, practically catatonic. Lloyd's feet are out the window
and his head is on Harry's lap.
The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are
now up over the headrest and his head is down where his feet
should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out.
Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD,
GAS NEXT EXIT.
EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING
The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background
are several tractor-trailer rigs and a caf�. Harry climbs
out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the
passenger door.
Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him
with his foot.
 HARRY
 Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll pump.
Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT
ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS to unscrew the gas cap. Then he
sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up.
 55.
EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY
ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room.
When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the engine
on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee
pulls up and a long-legged, tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs
out. This seems to wake Harry up.
The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and
starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a feeble attempt to
brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods
to the skis on her roof-rack.
 HARRY
 Skis, huh?
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 That's right.
 HARRY
 Great.
She continues to pump gas.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 They yours?
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Uh-huh..
 HARRY
 Both of 'em?
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Um, yeah.
 HARRY
 (impressed)
 Cool.
THE GAS FROM HARRY'S NOZZLE STARTS TO OVERFLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T
NOTICE. FROM HER POV IT LOOKS
like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Excuse me, you're spraying everywhere.
 56.
Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He
immediately removes the nozzle and replaces it on the pump
as she smiles to herself.
INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM
Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read
the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he comes to one
that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993,
2:15
A.M. SHARP.
He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch.
CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8.
ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15.
Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the
BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd
quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet
bowl so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS
approaches the stall and then stops. Lloyd looks down to see
a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely
hear a LOW GROWL. Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds
his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and Lloyd lets out a
SIGH OF RELIEF.
All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE
STEPS INTO FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS.
HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass.
 SEA BASS
 Well, well, well, if it ain't my old
 friend.
 (checks watch)
 And right on time...
As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has
sidled up to the driver's side. He leans against her side-
view mirror.
 57.
 HARRY
 (re: suitcases in
 back seat)
 That's a lot of luggage for a little
 vacation.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've
 got to get away from my boyfriend.
He's such a klutz. My astrologer told me I should avoid
accident-prone guys.
Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on
SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS
HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN
QUICKLY LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
 HARRY
 (holding out mirror)
 Here, this is a little loose.
She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a
cigarette.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Allow me...
He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish.
The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks. Harry tosses the match
to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes
rise around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING
BURNING. (Neither of them notice this.)
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen
 we can meet up... you know, for hot
 chocolate or something.
She looks him over and smiles.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Why not? You seem pretty harmless.
 I'll give you my number. Just let me
 find a pen.
As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE
SMOKE. He looks down and sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE!
He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe,
but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still
searching for a pen.
 58.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
 I know I have one here somewhere...
Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames.
This only helps to fan them.
 HARRY
 (urgently)
 Look, why don't you just tell it to
 me, I've got a good memory.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Are you sure you won't forget?
 HARRY
 (desperate)
 Positive please hurry.
He begins hopping around violently.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Is something wrong?
Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from
screaming.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
 Okay, my number is 652-2553.
 (beat)
 Oh, wait a second, that's my old
 number. It's so funny how your mind
 god sakes, give me the damn number!
She's taken aback by this outburst.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
 Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy
 you can just forget it!
She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY.
INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM
Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he
slides him up the wall of the toilet stall.
 SEA BASS
 First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm
 gonna kill you. Any last request?
 LLOYD
 Um, yeah could you do it the other
 way around?
 59.
Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps
back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The sound of the zipper brings a
green color to Lloyd's face.
ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED
Harry rushes into the bathroom, panic-stricken. In his
desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR KNOCKING SEA
BASS ON THE HEAD and thrusts his flaming foot into the
toilet,
EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE.
Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice
LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND
SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE.
Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he
lets out an admonishing
WHISTLE.
 HARRY
 You've got some serious explaining
 to o, young man.
 CUT TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE with the toes sticking out
on the accelerator.
 LLOYD
 Look, Harry, I told you what happened,
 now drop it.
 HARRY
 Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to
 mention another word about you being
 in a bathroom stall with a six-foot,
 five-inch trucker with his pants
 own.
 LLOYD
 That's a low blow, man.
 HARRY
 Not at that height it's not.
 LLOYD
 Listen, bud, if you're trying to
 imply that I'm that thought look,
 we're almost in Colorado.
 60.
LLOYD SQUINTS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. A SIGN UP AHEAD SAYS:
LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA -
COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES.
 HARRY
 I think it's about time we pull over
 and change seats. I've been driving
 for nine straight hours I don't
 have the energy to start a new state.
Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we
 CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE
ROCKY MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN
stopping and checking cars as they cross the border. A
HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale
hops out. He hurries to the COP in charge.
 DT. DALE
 Any sign of them yet?
 COP
 No, but we're expecting them shortly.
 A motorist said he spotted a pooch
 about thirty miles back headed this
 way.
Detective Dale nods, satisfied.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart.
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos
and a soda. He settles into the driver's seat and pulls a
Beef Jerky out of his back pocket.
 LLOYD
 Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky...
When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already
fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd shakes his head.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Boy, some guys just weren't cut out
 for life on the road.
 61.
EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT
Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to
the nearby freeway entrance. As he enters the on-ramp, we
ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly
headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM!
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING
It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in
the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a coffee. The van hits a
bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open.
 LLOYD
 Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.
 HARRY
 (groggy)
 How long have I been out?
 LLOYD
 I'd say a good five hours, anyway.
Harry yawns and stretches.
 HARRY
 Great. We must be getting real close,
 huh?
 LLOYD
 Should be. I've been averaging about
 ninety miles an hour all night.
 HARRY
 Good man.
 LLOYD
 Boy, I'll tell you, this is one
 angerous highway. You wouldn't believe
 all the road pizza two dead ogs, a
 couple of rabbits, a snake and some
 big thing I couldn't even recognize.
 HARRY
 That's awful. Did you see them get
 hit or were they already lying there?
 LLOYD
 I hit 'em.
Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS.
 62.
 HARRY
 Funny. I expected the Rocky Mountains
 to be a little rockier than this.
 LLOYD
 I was thinking the same thing. That
 John Denver's some full of shit,
 huh?
They both stare out the window.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 I must say, Des Moines sure is a
 pretty little town.
 HARRY
 Yeah, it really is.
 (beat)
 Wait a minute when did you visit
 Des Moines?
 LLOYD
 Last night. We drove through it.
 HARRY
 What are you talking about? You were
 snoring like a baby when we went
 through Des Moines.
Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS
in Harry's face.
 LLOYD
 (sing-song)
 Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and
 shine.
 (LAUGHS)
 You were the one who was asleep,
numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You're delirious.
A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing
terrain. Then something starts to awn on him. Slowly.
 HARRY
 Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't
 the sun rise in the east and set in
 the west?
 LLOYD
 In our country it does, yes.
 63.
 HARRY
 Then perchance you can explain to me
 why the sun is in our face at 7:30
 in the morning when we're heading
 west.
Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED.
 CUT TO:
EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING
The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry
is sitting beside it on the pavement, a BROKEN man.
 LLOYD
 I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can
 make a mistake.
But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Come on, man, pull yourself together.
 HARRY
 You know, I got half a mind to just
 jump on the bus to Europe and say
 goodbye to your ugly mug forever.
 LLOYD
 (rolls his eyes)
 You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo.
 HARRY
 Oh yeah? Why not?
 LLOYD
 You don't have a passport.
Harry lets out a defeated SIGH.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Come on, stop being a baby about
 this. Okay, so we back-tracked a
 tad.
 HARRY
 A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a
 sixth of the way across the country
 in the wrong direction. Now we don't
 have enough money to get to Aspen,
 we on't have enough money to get
 home, we don't have enough to eat,
 we don't have enough to sleep!
 64.
 LLOYD
 Well it doesn't do any good having
 you sitting there on your butt whining
 about it. If we're gonna get out of
 this hole, we're gonna have to dig
 ourselves out.
Harry thinks about this.
 HARRY
 You know, you're absolutely right,
 Lloyd.
He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward
the highway.
 LLOYD
 Where you going?
 HARRY
 Home. I'm walking home.
 LLOYD
 You can't be serious.
 HARRY
 (sarcastic)
 Why not? We're probably only five
 miles away.
Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches.
 LLOYD
 (CALLING OUT)
 Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you
 never screwed up.
Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his
friend. He seems completely rained.
 HARRY
 Look, man... I'm sorry.
 (beat)
 I never should have let you talk me
 into this in the first place. You've
 got a good reason to goo a beautiful
 girl's waiting for you. But let's
 face it, Lloyd, there's nothing
 waiting for me in Aspen.
 (beat)
 There's nothing waiting for me
 anywhere.
 65.
Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks
away. Out of frustration, he BANGS the snout of the car,
causing it to BARK.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out
unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by, the cold wind whipping
at his clothes.
A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the
window. It lands at Harry's feet. EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S
FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the Indian
in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see
it's a BAG OF ONIONS that's ripped open.
Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking
vehicle and Harry hesitates. Then the passenger window rolls
down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel.
 LLOYD
 Got room for one more, if you still
 want to go to Aspen.
Harry looks the hearse over.
 HARRY
 Where'd you find this baby?
 LLOYD
 Used car dealer. I traded the van
 for it. Plus I got the guy to throw
 in fifty bucks for gas money.
 (beat)
 Come on, man, what do you say? We
 still partners?
HARRY SMILES AND WE
 CUT TO:
EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY
An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the
Colorado border with several other officers.
 DT. DALE
 It doesn't make sense. They should've
 been here hours ago.
 COP
 Maybe they're smarter than we thought.
 66.
 DT. DALE
 How smart can they be? They're riving
 a goddamn dog!
Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie.
 COP #2
 We just got a report that they were
 spotted about two hours ago heading
 east near Des Moines on I-80.
 DT. DALE
 (incredulous)
 Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred
 miles from here!
 COP #1
 Guess they got wind of our welcoming
 party.
 DT. DALE
 We're wasting time. Let's mobilize.
Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow.
As the officers climb into their cars, we
 CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - DAY
Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window.
 LLOYD
 Tell me something, Harry. Would you
 really have kept going home if I
hadn't come back to get you?
 HARRY
 Well let me put it this way, Lloyd:
 Do you remember when we were Cub
 Scouts and we got lost in the woods
 uring that blizzard? We huddled
 together all night, and we made an
 oath that if we ever got out of there
 alive we'd never ever leave each
 other's side again. Do you remember
 that?
Lloyd thinks hard about this.
 LLOYD
 We were never Cub Scouts.
 67.
 HARRY
 Exactly.
Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite
direction with SIRENS BLARING and LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry
glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN
in the rear of the vehicle.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 What the hell is this? There's a
 coffin in the back!
 LLOYD
 Relax, it's empty.
 HARRY
 I don't give a shit. I'm not driving
 anywhere with a casket. You know I'm
 superstitious calm down. We'll dump
 it off first chance we get.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse.
Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL PROCESSION. The lead car is
a CADILLAC.
INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY
(This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and
a WOMAN are arguing.
 WOMAN
 I married a cheapskate.
 MAN
 Shut your trap, Gerdie.
 WOMAN
 I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be
 able to show my face again.
 MAN
 I knew something good would come out
 of this.
 WOMAN
 We could have given him a more
 ignified burial.
 68.
 MAN
 Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember
 what he got us for our twenty-fifth?
 A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm
 gonna spend a load to get him planted.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of
them. The Man and the Woman on't notice this an soon the
ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY
FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE.
 CUT TO:
EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY
Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the
market. The procession comes to a halt behind them. The guys
get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back.
Then they unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER
AND WIPE THEIR HANDS
OFF.
ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is
practically on the floor.
 WOMAN
 You son-of-a-bitch! I want a ivorce!
 CUT TO:
QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE
SCENIC ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON.
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY
The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN,
COLORADO.
 CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY
The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows,
studying the passersby, taking in the sights and sounds of
the ski town.
 69.
 LLOYD
 Isn't this wonderful? What more could
 a couple of single guys like us ask
 for?
 HARRY
 How about food and shelter?
 LLOYD
 You're so materialistic.
 (beat)
 Why don't we get down to business
 and eliver the briefcase to Mary.
 Who knows, maybe she'll invite us in
 for tea and a strumpet or two?
 HARRY
 Jolly good idea, chap. And where oes
 the lovely young lady reside?
 LLOYD
 Um... good question.
Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone
booth next to them.
 HARRY
 Well what's her last name? We'll
 look it up in the phone book.
 LLOYD
 Hmmmm... You know, I don't believe I
 caught that either.
Harry's concern grows.
 HARRY
 What about the briefcase, Lloyd?
 There must've been a name on it,
 right?
 LLOYD
 (brightening)
 Come to think of it, there is. It's
 engraved right into the leather.
 HARRY
 What is it?
 LLOYD
 Samsonite spelled just like it
 sounds.
 70.
Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly
HE STOPS and puts the book down, a DEFEATED look on his face.
 CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a
picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are shivering in the
front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse.
They're each spooning something out of a coffee cup and
sipping it.
 HARRY
 Any soup left?
 LLOYD
 A little. Shall we share it?
 HARRY
 Please.
Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it
into Harry's cup and the other half into his. They pour a
few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons.
 LLOYD
 Mmmm mmmm good...
Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and
leans toward him.
 HARRY
 Hey, you got something stuck in your
 front teeth.
Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it.
 LLOYD
 Hmmm... looks like an old piece of
 Beef Jerky.
HARRY STARES AT IT. THEN:
 HARRY
 Wanna split it?
 LLOYD
 You're pathetic. Get your own.
Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it.
Another gust of wind swirls around them.
 71.
 HARRY
 I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 Roll up your window.
 HARRY
 It is rolled up.
 LLOYD
 Then I guess the damn anti-cold system
 isn't working. You really should get
 it fixed if we're gonna live here
 all winter.
 HARRY
 What anti-cold system?
Lloyd points to the dash.
 LLOYD
 Right here the A/C button. I put it
 on full blast about an hour ago and,
 if anything, the car's getting colder.
Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted.
He opens the car door and starts to climb out.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What are you going out there for?
 HARRY
 To warm up.
EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT
Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms
crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other side.
 LLOYD
 What are you worrying about now?
 HARRY
 I'm worried about how you're gonna
 survive the pummeling I'm about to
 give you.
 LLOYD
 Huh?
Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the
other side of the car. Harry leaps across the hood, but Lloyd
manages to evade his grasp.
 72.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Harry, calm down! You're acting like
 a wild animal!
 HARRY
 Get over here and take your medicine,
 Lloyd!
 LLOYD
 Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine.
 I'm a Christian Scientist!
Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated,
Harry opens the car and PULLS THE
BRIEFCASE OUT.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 What are you doing?
 HARRY
 Something I should've done a long
 time ago. This stupid thing has been
 the root of our problems all along.
Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river.
 LLOYD
 Don't do anything foolish, Harry.
 HARRY
 Foolish? This is the most sensible
 thing I've done in years. I'm gonna
 toss this goddamn curse right into
 that river.
Lloyd starts to follow after Harry.
 LLOYD
 You're making a big mistake, Harry!
 I'll never forgive you for this!
Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose
of the briefcase.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get
 better, I promise! In fact, I think
I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It's
yours, Harry, all yours!
Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued.
 73.
 HARRY
 You're bluffing.
 LLOYD
 No I'm not, man look.
Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints
at it.
 HARRY
 That's a filling, you liar!
Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs,
but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they reach the bridge. The briefcase
GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another
in the snow, rolling over and over.
Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on
top and CLASPS HIS HANDS
AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 I used to have a life! A miserable
 one, but a life, nonetheless!
Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S.
behind his friend.
 LLOYD
 (CHOKED VOICE)
 Harry, look!
Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd
as we see
THEIR POV - THE BRIEFCASE IS LYING BUSTED OPEN ON THE GROUND,
REVEALING STACKS AND
STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!
 CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT
Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching
the briefcase. The city is lit up with millions of tiny
lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland.
 LLOYD
 Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a
 few bucks just a small loan from
 the briefcase, and we check into a
 cheap motel.
 74.
 HARRY
 Sounds good.
 LLOYD
 And we'll keep track of the money we
 spend with IOUs.
 HARRY
 We'll be meticulous right down to
 the last penny.
 LLOYD
 That way, whatever we borrow we can
 pay back.
 HARRY
 Absolutely. We're good for it.
 LLOYD
 You know, as soon as we get jobs.
 HARRY
 It'll come right out of our first
 paycheck.
 CUT TO:
INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around
an ENORMOUS AND LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to
throw a touchdown bomb in.
 BARNARD
 ...This is the Hotel Danbury's
 Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's
 normally reserved for royalty,
 visiting dignitaries, and illustrious
 stars of stage and take it.
The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased.
 BARNARD (CONT'D)
 Very good, sir. Are there any bags
 you'd like sent up?
 LLOYD
 Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our
 own chicks.
 BARNARD
 (peevish)
 I wasn't talking about ladies.
 75.
 HARRY
 Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up.
 What are their names?
Barnard SIGHS.
 BARNARD
 Sir, I meant your luggage.
Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile.
 LLOYD
 Tell you what you can send up, my
 friend how about some chow?
The Bell Captain nods.
 BARNARD
 I'll bring you a menu.
 LLOYD
 Don't bother. Just order us one of
 everything.
At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look.
 HARRY
 One of everything? Lloyd...
Lloyd looks guilty.
 LLOYD
 Oh, sorry.
 (beat)
 Make that two of everything.
Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR
BILLS out of his pocket. He rips one off and tucks it in
Barnard's top pocket.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 And here you go, Barney. You keep us
 happy, we'll keep you happy.
The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip.
 BARNARD
 Yes, sir!
He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the
briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE
OF PAPER.
 76.
 LLOYD
 (proudly)
 Our first IOU. Signed and dated.
 CUT TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom
door. She's holding a tray with a couple of mugs on it.
 HELEN
 Mary? You awake?
 MARY
 (o.s.)
COME IN...
INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French
windows when Helen ENTERS.
 HELEN
 I brought you some tea. I thought it
 might help you relax.
Mary smiles.
 MARY
 Thank you.
She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back.
 MARY (CONT'D)
 Yech! What's in this, whiskey?
 HELEN
 Uh, sorry... that one's mine.
Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one.
 HELEN (CONT'D)
 Feeling any better, honey?
Mary can't take her eyes from the window.
 MARY
 Just knowing that Melvin's out there,
 being held by God knows who...
 (fighting back tears)
 It's all my fault. I should've been
 there.
 77.
 HELEN
 Bullshit. You can't blame yourself
 for this. If you'd been there they
 would've taken you, too.
Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit.
 MARY
 Maybe we should just pay them the
 money again and get this thing over
with.
 HELEN
 Now Mary, everything that can be
 done is being done. You've got to
 stop torturing yourself.
 MARY
 What am I supposed to do? Go about
 my life as if everything were fine?
 HELEN
 That's exactly what you should do.
 Get the hell out more, go skiing,
 socialize. Don't you see, honey? We
 can't let on that anything is wrong.
 If the press or authorities get wind
 of this, the kidnappers might panic.
 (beat)
 Who knows what they'd do to poor
 Melvin then?
AS MARY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE
 CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY
The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse.
Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to help them. Harry and Lloyd
get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur
boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors
everywhere. The Employees all grab the shopping bags and
then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely.
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT
The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies.
Lloyd is going through it all. Harry is sitting out on the
balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the
mountain view.
 78.
 HARRY
 Oh god, it's really true. Last night
 I thought I might've been dreaming.
 LLOYD
 It's no dream, Har. We finally cracked
 the big time.
 HARRY
 And it was so simple. All it took
 was somebody else's money.
Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty
puff, and
EXHALES.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 You know, Lloyd, I think you might've
 gone a little overboard with the
 spending today.
He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony.
 LLOYD
 What's the big deal? We're gonna pay
 it all back anyway, right?
 HARRY
 Sure, but do you really think you
 needed to buy those two surfboards?
 LLOYD
 Surfboards? I thought those were
 beginner's skis.
This suddenly makes sense to Harry.
 HARRY
 Ahhh. I was wondering why you had
 those bindings put on them.
Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE.
 LLOYD
 Where'd this come from?
 HARRY
 (sheepishly)
 I bought it.
 LLOYD
 What for?
 79.
 HARRY
 I like the feel of it against my
 skin...
 (defensive)
 ...I mean, you know, when a woman's
 wearing it.
Lloyd inspects it more closely.
 LLOYD
 Harry, how many women do you know
 who wear a size XXL?
 HARRY
 Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now.
 I'm supposed to have a few
 eccentricities.
There's a KNOCK on the door.
 LLOYD
 Enter, parlez vous!
The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket
and a newspaper under his arm.
 BARNARD
 I brought you your newspaper and
 some champagne, gentlemen.
 Unfortunately, we didn't seem to
 have the, um, label you requested.
Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns.
 LLOYD
 All out of Boone's Farm, huh?
 BARNARD
 You have a rapier wit, sir. I took
 the liberty of bringing a comparable
 substitute: Dom Perignon.
 LLOYD
 Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh?
Lloyd smiles and over tips him.
 BARNARD
 Thank you so much, sir.
He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads
for the door.
 80.
 LLOYD
 Oh, one more thing: You can dispense
 with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it,
 Barney, we're all from the same mold.
 (winks)
 We just have a little more dough
 than you right now.
Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He
picks up a champagne glass and flicks it with his finger,
sending out a resonant RING.
 HARRY
 Cocktail hour has commenced!
He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins
thumbing through the newspaper.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Hey, later on what do you say we...?
He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something
he's found in the paper.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Lloyd... you okay?
 LLOYD
 (dumbstruck)
 Harry, it's her.
 HARRY
 Who?
 LLOYD
 Mary with the briefcase. This is
 her...
He shoves the newspaper at Harry.
CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST
PRESERVATION GALA TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath
this is a photograph of Mary with her parents.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Mary Swanson...
 HARRY
 Come on, Cinderella, it's time to
 get you ready for the ball...
Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a...
MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER:
 81.
-The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed.
-Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The
ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from their heads, revealing both
guys' hair in curlers.
-Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor.
Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck
as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his
fingers. The other CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd
LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in
his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing.
-We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to
the floor to reveal a PILE OF
NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS.
-Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN
OVER to Lloyd's bare feet he has toe nails like Howard
Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety
goggles tries to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric
sander.
-Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a
massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred
dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and
WHISPERS in her ear. She smiles.
-Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with
her shirt off, while Harry happily massages her back.
-The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out
of the dressing room in a very elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He
couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed,
but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in.
-Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman
looks on hopefully, but Lloyd again disapproves.
-This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE
TUXEDO, complete with TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks
sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up.
PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive
J.P. Shay is sitting in a parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND
LLOYD.
 DISSOLVE TO:
 82.
EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT
Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering
the building. Suddenly the hearse pulls up with Harry and
Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue
tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better it's pumpkin orange.
(THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse
stops, the boys hand the driver Barnard a couple hundred
dollars.
 LLOYD
 Thanks for the lift, Barney.
INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY
Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when
Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he stops them and gives them
the once over.
 ANDRE
 Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a
 five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner.
Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd
takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels
off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre.
 LLOYD
 This should cover a couple plates.
 HARRY
 I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if
 we want seconds?
Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou.
 LLOYD
 Put us down for four plates, my good
 man.
They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate
J.P. Shay comes up beside him, an alarmed look on his face.
 J.P. SHAY
 (WHISPERING)
 Jesus Christ, boss... it's them.
BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through
the affluent crowd.
 LLOYD
 I'm getting nervous, Harry.
 83.
 HARRY
 relax, Lloyd. These people are just
 like you and me.
 LLOYD
 What are you talking about? They're
 educated, well-bred, charming, and
 sophisticated.
 HARRY
 So what? We can be sophistica holy
 shit, would you look at the fun bags
 on that hose hound.
He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party.
Lloyd rolls his eyes.
 LLOYD
 Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm
 already a wreck. What if Mary oesn't
 like me?
 HARRY
 Look, let's just go saddle up to the
 bar and down a couple bowls of
 loudmouth soup. A little booze'll
 bring back that old Lloyd Christmas
 over-confidence.
The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they
make their way to the bar.
 LLOYD
 (to BARTENDER)
 Two martinis, straight up.
As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL
RED HEAD reaches between them for a cocktail napkin, then
walks away.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Shut up, Harry.
 HARRY
 I didn't say anything.
 LLOYD
 Yeah, well I know what you were gonna
 say and I'm telling you to shut up
 in advance.
 HARRY
 How do you know what I was gonna
 say?
 84.
 LLOYD
 I read you like a book.
 HARRY
 Okay, if you read me like a book
 then what was I gonna say?
 LLOYD
 You were gonna say:
 (in Harry's looped
 VOICE)
 'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't
 mind roasting my weenie in.'
Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 And I would say 'shut up', because
 this is our chance to get in with
 the rich and powerful and you don't
 ingratiate yourself to the kind of
 people by acting like Ron Jeremy on
 Spanish Fly.
The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s.
CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to
see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a
LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On his other side are Karl and
Elizabeth Swanson.
 ANDRE
 If I could have your attention,
 please...
The crowd QUIETS.
 ANDRE (CONT'D)
 I'd like to thank you all for coming
 to this very special event. As you
KNOW, THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY -
founded and chiefly funded by our great benefactors, Karl
and Helen Swanson - is the world's foremost efender of
endangered species. Our
SPRAWLING GROUNDS ARE HOME TO TWENTY-
three separate varieties of animals that are currently listed
on the United Nation's charter of protected species. Tonight,
we are deeply honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson welcome our
twenty-fourth.
 85.
The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the
podium.
 MR. SWANSON
 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the
 Icelandic Snow Owl.
He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE
OWLS IN A CAGE. Everyone OOHS and AHHS.
 MR. SWANSON (CONT'D)
 These magnificent specimens were
RESCUED RECENTLY, CULMINATING A FIVE-
year, two-million-dollar effort on our part. Together, they
constitute one-seventh of the snow owl population left on
the planet.
ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks
pale.
 MR. SWANSON
 Here these lovely birds will be
 allowed to breed in a natural but
 protected habitat. And, God willing,
 with your help and that of the
 Society's, we will see these wonderful
 creatures flourish once more.
More APPLAUSE.
 MR. SWANSON (CONT'D)
 Again, thank you, and enjoy your
 evening. Oh, and feel free to take a
 closer look at our new friends here.
 Enjoy.
The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns
back to the Bartender and holds up his empty glass.
 LLOYD
 Two more, please.
Harry stares at Lloyd with concern.
 HARRY
 Lloyd, I've never seen you this
 uptight. You've gotta chill out.
 LLOYD
 I can't help it. This is a very
 important night for me.
 (MORE)
 86.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 (beat)
 Harry, have you ever wondered why
 you and I never have long-term
 girlfriends?
 HARRY
 What are you talking about? I went
 out with Fraida Felcher for two and
 a half weeks.
 LLOYD
 That was a fluke.
 (beat)
 The reason we never have long-term
 girlfriends is because of one thing:
 We're afraid of the C word.
 HARRY
 That's crazy. We live for the C word.
 LLOYD
 I'm talking bout commitment.
 HARRY
 (beat)
 Oh.
 LLOYD
 Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry.
 The first time I laid eyes on Mary
 Swanson, I knew she was the one.
 (beat)
 Some things you feel in your heart,
 other things you feel in your groin.
 This girl makes me feel it all in
 the heart.
Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room.
HIS POV - A BEGUILING MARY SWANSON IS TALKING WITH A COUPLE
OF GUESTS. SHE'S WEARING A
spectacular black cocktail dress.
Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Oh shit, there she is.
 87.
 HARRY
 (checking her out)
 Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd.
 She's an angel.
 (beat)
 Well, what are you waiting for? Get
 over there and talk to her.
 LLOYD
 She's gonna think I'm some kind of
 psycho when she realizes how far I
 came just to see her.
 HARRY
 You have her briefcase she's gonna
 be thrilled to see you.
 LLOYD
 And then what? She'll take it back
 and that'll be it. I'm a nobody.
Harry thinks about this a moment.
 HARRY
 Look, man, you just drove two thousand
 miles to see this girl. Don't quit
 on the last fifty feet.
 LLOYD
 (brightening)
 Wait a second, I have an idea. You
 go over and introduce yourself. That
 way you can build me up so when I
 come along I won't have to brag about
 myself. Tell her I'm good-looking
 and I'm rich and I have a rapist's
 wit.
 HARRY
 I can't tell her you're good looking,
 Lloyd she's got eyes.
Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini.
 LLOYD
 Please Harry, I'm appealing to you
 as one loser to another. Just build
 me up and then give me a signal to
 come over. Please.
Harry SIGHS.
 88.
 HARRY
 All right. But you're gonna owe me a
 big one for this.
Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES
Mary, who is now standing alone, admiring the owls.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Nice set of hooters you got there.
Mary turns to Harry, stunned.
 MARY
 I beg your pardon?
 HARRY
 The owls. They're beautiful.
 MARY
 Oh. Yeah.
 (beat)
 Are you a bird lover?
 HARRY
 Well, I used to have a parakeet, but
 my main area of expertise is canines
 that's dogs to the layperson.
She smiles at this.
 MARY
 Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how
are you involved with them?
 HARRY
 Oh, I've trained them, bathed them,
 clipped them; I've even bred them.
 MARY
 Really? Any unusual breeding?
 HARRY
 Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But
 one time we successfully mated a
 Bulldog and a Shitzu.
 MARY
 Really? That's weird.
 HARRY
 Yeah. We called it a Bullshit.
 (breaks out LAUGHING)
 Just a little breeder joke.
 89.
She seems strangely charmed by this.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Anyway, the real reason I came over
 is because I want to introduce you
 to a friend of mine.
Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a
martini and looking a little sloshed.
 HELEN
 Mary, I don't believe I've met your
 friend.
 MARY
 Actually, we haven't been introduced
 yet.
 (holds out hand)
 I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my
 stepmother, Helen.
 HARRY
 Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you
 both.
 HELEN
 I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne.
 I was hoping we'd get a chance to
 meet.
 HARRY
 (taken aback)
 You were?
 HELEN
 That tuxedo I love a man with a
 sense of humor. So does Mary.
Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry.
 HARRY
 Really?
For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages
to snap out of it.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Anyway, about my friend you doing
 anything tomorrow, Mr. Dunne? Because
 I believe Mary's looking for somebody
 to hit the slopes with. Whuh?
 MARY
 Helen, you're embarrassing me.
 90.
 HELEN
 Well you are, aren't you?
 (to Harry)
 Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So
 what do you say, Harry? Are you
 available?
Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a
hopeful Lloyd.
 HARRY
 Oh, I don't know. You see, my friend
 your friends for one day. You and
 Mary will have a ball.
Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Um... well... I don't know. You see, the
 thing is... sure.
ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns.
 LLOYD
 How come you didn't call me over?
 HARRY
 Relax, you're golden. I got you a
 ate with her tomorrow.
Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's
SPEECHLESS.
 LLOYD
 Wha... you... I... it's...
 (smiles)
 I love you, man. I love you!
Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE.
 HARRY
 Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're making
 a scene.
Lloyd steps back elated.
 LLOYD
 This calls for a toast!
He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to
open it.
 91.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 You're gonna be my best man, Har, I
 mean it. It was always between you
 and my future wife's brother, but
 you just earned a seat at the head
 table, pal.
Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND
ZIPS ACROSS
THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN
WIDER-
EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!,
and a THUMP!
A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their
stunned attention to the cage.
THEIR POV - FEATHERS ARE FLOATING IN THE AIR THROUGHOUT THE
CAGE, AND ONE OF THE ICELANDIC SNOW
Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to
extinction.
Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking
champagne bottle from Lloyd and places it on the bar.
 HARRY
 (under breath)
 I think we've done enough hobnobbing,
 Lloyd.
The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before
anyone can figure out what happened anyone except for
Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been
standing nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't
look very happy.
 CUT TO:
INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT
Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand
while J.P. Shay looks on nervously.
 J.P. SHAY
 Maybe it was just a coincidence.
 ANDRE
 Don't be stupid. It's a message,
 plain and simple: We killed their
 bird, now they killed ours.
 92.
 J.P. SHAY
 But how could anybody off a bird
 with a cork?
 ANDRE
 These guys arent' just anybody.
 They're good. Look what they did to
 Mental. He was the best, and yet he
 fell right into their web.
 J.P. SHAY
 But the bastards already got our
 money. What the hell more could they
 want?
Andre runs his fingers through his hair.
 ANDRE
 (at wit's end)
 I don't know, god damn it!
 CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING
A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the
b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes including a
pair of thermal tights.
 LLOYD
 Mrs. Christmas... Mary Christmas... Mrs.
 Mary Christmas. You
know, it has kind of a ring to it, oesn't it, Har?
 HARRY
 Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you
 think you may be jumping the gun a
 little? I mean, who knows, when you
 get to know her, you may find out
 she's not your type.
 LLOYD
 Impossible. I know my type when I
 see it. Now let me get this straight,
 she wants me to meet her at the
 Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main
 Street?
 HARRY
 That's what she said. Ten o'clock
 sharp.
This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up.
 93.
 LLOYD
 Time out. Where are going ressed
 like that.
 HARRY
 I, uh, thought while you were making
 your love connection I'd try my luck
 on the slopes.
 LLOYD
 You mean you're gonna go out in public
 dressed in tights?
 HARRY
 These aren't tights. They're
 fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.
 LLOYD
 But you can see the outline of your
 who-who.
Harry looks down at his crotch.
 HARRY
 Really?
 LLOYD
 Turn sideways.
Harry turns his profile against the window.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Actually, it's just a tiny little
 lump. No one will ever notice.
 HARRY
 You're right. I can't go out dressed
 like this.
 CUT TO:
EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building.
INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE
People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined
up on the wall behind them. Mary is waiting by the fireplace
in an incredibly sexy snowsuit.
 94.
Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As
he begins to clumsily make his way through the lodge toward
Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over
a row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he
reaches her, OUT OF BREATH.
 HARRY
 Sorry I'm late. It's a bitch driving
 a clutch with these things.
EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY
Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple
ahead of them get on a chair, and then they shuffle into
position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair.
The chair swings around, comes up behind them, and makes a
smooth pick up of Mary, that is. An embarrassed Harry is
STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride.
Mary looks back at him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be
stretching.
 HARRY
 (CALLING OUT)
 You take the first run alone. I'm
 gonna loosen up down here.
 CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY
Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the
day.
 WAITER
 I'm sorry, we don't open until eleven.
This is disconcerting news to Lloyd.
 LLOYD
 I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait
 at the bar?
The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar.
 CUT TO:
EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY
Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it
rises higher and higher toward the imposing mountain top.
Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously.
 MARY
 Beautiful day, huh, Harry?
 95.
 HARRY
 Glorious.
Mary takes a DEEP BREATH.
 MARY
 God, it feels so good to get up here.
 I haven't been outdoors much in the
 last couple of weeks.
 HARRY
 Why not?
 MARY
 (evasive)
 There's been... family problems. I
 on't want to bore you with them.
 HARRY
 Thanks.
He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices
a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift bar.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Oh, look... frost.
He licks it and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN
METAL. He tugs a few times, but it won't budge.
 MARY
 Are you okay?
 HARRY
 (lisping)
 Sure. I do this all the time...
 CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY
As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary
disembarks but Harry stays on.
 HARRY
 (lisping)
 See ya at the bottom...
Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down
the hill.
 CUT TO:
 96.
EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY
The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on
it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE KIDS climb on with him.
 HARRY
 (lisping)
 Hi.
 (off their looks)
 Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to
 have a cup of warm water, would you?
The two kids just stare at him.
 CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON
A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him
now. The bar is open and there are a few CUSTOMERS sprinkled
about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the
clock on the wall. It's 12:30.
We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to
him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the Athletic Beauty that
Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Hi.
Lloyd GRUNTS a hello.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
 Bad day, huh?
Lloyd GRUNTS once more.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT'D)
 (big smile)
 well don't worry, Mercury's supposed
 to be coming out or retrograde
 tonight. Things will get better.
AS LLOYD GRUNTS AGAIN, WE
 CUT TO:
EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON
Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and
stops with a snow-spraying flourish. She looks around the
outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE-
TAKE.
 97.
MARY'S POV - HARRY IS SITTING AT A TABLE, STILL ATTACHED TO
THE CHAIR LIFT (WHICH
has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of
coffee and trying to act nonchalant, espite the gawking of
the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g.
BACK TO SCENE
 MARY
 My god. Harry, are you okay?
 HARRY
 (lisping)
 I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off.
 CUT TO:
CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE
to reveal J.P. Shay a few hundred feet up the hill with a
high-powered rifle trained on Harry.
 SHAY
 You're luck just ran out, pal.
As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go
BACK TO SCENE
 MARY
 This is silly. Let me help you...
Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously.
She grabs his head in both hands and starts pulling it away
from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH RIDICULOUSLY...
FIVE INCHES... SIX... THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain. Suddenly,
his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards
out of the path of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We
hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain:
 MIME
 GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK?!
The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously
into the lodge as the CROWD BOOS him.
 CUT TO:
INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON
Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty
RAMBLES ON beside him.
 98.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 ...Anyway, after my boyfriend backed
 into my garage for the third time, I
 said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for
 your life before he kills you both'.
 Then you know what the klutz does
 and to be perfectly honest, I on't
 really care.
 (beat)
 Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very
 good company today. I'll say.
 (beat)
 I have an idea. Why don't you tell
 me a little about yourself.
 LLOYD
 Maybe some other time.
Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to
 know a Mary Swanson, would you?
 BARTENDER
 Sure. Her family comes in here all
 the time.
 LLOYD
 Do you know where she lives?
 BARTENDER
 Yeah, they got that big place up on
 Alpine Drive.
 CUT TO:
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON
The hearse pulls up to the house and stops.
INT. HEARSE
 MARY
 I've got to tell you, today was really
 just what I needed. Thanks a lot,
 Harry.
 HARRY
 My pleasure, Mary.
She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek.
 99.
 MARY
 So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?
 HARRY
 Better make it quarter to eight.
 I've got a few things to take care
 of first.
Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and
walks toward the house.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 (to himself)
 Mary Dunne... Mrs. Mary Dunne... Got a
 nice ring to it.
We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a
SHATTERED LLOYD
WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF.
 LLOYD
 Some best man.
 DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally
BUMMED OUT.
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING
Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns
surprise at what he's just heard.
 HARRY
 It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.
 She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are
 you sure you went to the right bar?
 LLOYD
 Believe me, it was the right place.
 (SIGHS)
 I don't know, Har, maybe she just
 had second thoughts.
 HARRY
 I have a hard time believing that,
 Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't
 wait to see you again.
Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES
TO HIM.
 100.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Wait a minute...
 LLOYD
 What?
 HARRY
 It just occurred to me. She must've
 meant ten o'clock at night.
 LLOYD
 (brightening)
 Do ya think...?
 HARRY
 Of course! Why would she have you
 meet her at a bar at ten in the
 morning?
 LLOYD
 (shrugging)
 I just figured she was a raging
 alcoholic.
Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity.
 HARRY
 Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties?
 LLOYD
 I knew there was an explanation. And
 here I thought she was standing me
 up.
 HARRY
 That'll teach you to jump to
 conclusions.
 (beat)
 Anyway, since you have your night
 all
planned, I think I'll run out and catch a flick.
As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his
fist and glares after him. Then he regains his composure and
moves to the bar.
 LLOYD
 Will you join me in a good luck toast
 before you head out?
 101.
 HARRY
 (o.s.)
 Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think
 will help your chances.
Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee
and throws a splash of Bailey's in each. He check to make
sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF
EX-LAX.
LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN.
WHEN HARRY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET DRESSED IN A NEW SUIT AND
TIE, LLOYD DOES A DOUBLE-
take.
 LLOYD
 Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't
 you?
 HARRY
 Uh... it's for mature audiences. I
 on't wanna chance getting turned
 away at the door.
 LLOYD
 I see.
Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his
own glass.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 To my friend Harry the matchmaker.
Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway.
 HARRY
 Mmmmm...
He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.
 CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in
anticipation of the night. Suddenly we hear a LOW, INTESTINAL
RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach.
 102.
EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's
walking up the steps to the house when we hear more GASEOUS
THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets
his insides under control, and continues to the front porch,
where he RINGS the bell.
Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings.
 MARY
 Hi. Come on in.
INT. SWANSON CHALET
Harry follows her inside.
 MARY
 Make yourself at home. I'm almost
 ready. Just give me one more minute.
As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET
STOMACH again. He notices a bathroom off the hallway and
rushes inside.
INT. BATHROOM
HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and
nestles onto the throne. He lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF as he
does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW
to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he
hears a KNOCK on the door.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 Are you in there, Harry?
 HARRY
 (nervously)
 Be right out.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 I hope you're not using the toilet.
 It's broken.
ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible
SWEAT breaks out on his forehead.
 HARRY
 Huh?
 103.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 It doesn't flush.
 HARRY
 Um, no, I was just... shaving.
EXT. HALLWAY
A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door.
 MARY
 Shaving?
 HARRY
 (o.s.)
 Yeah! I was running a little late.
 Thought this would save time.
 MARY
 Okay. Well I'll be in the living
 room whenever you're ready.
INT. BATHROOM
Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the
toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few valves.
 HARRY
 (under breath)
 Come on, flush, you bastard...
EXT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT
Mary's sitting patiently on the couch with her legs crossed.
She looks at her watch, then flips on the TV.
ON THE TUBE - the news is on. A WOMAN REPORTER is addressing
the CAMERA gravely:
 REPORTER
 We'll be back in a minute with the
 story of the blind Indiana boy who
 was duped into buying a dead parakeet.
We see Billy the blind boy from apartment 4-C sitting in
his wheelchair, holding up Petey the parakeet with its head
Scotch taped on its body.
 BLIND BOY
 ...I thought he was real quiet...
 104.
The Reporter shakes her head and they go to a commercial.
Mary SHIVERS at this and turns off the television. Suddenly
the DOORBELL RINGS. She gets up and opens the front door.
HER POV - a dapper Lloyd is standing there in his new Aspen-
chic clothes.
 MARY
 Yes...?
 LLOYD
 Hi.
 (beat)
 Don't you remember me?
 MARY
 Um... I'm not really...
 LLOYD
 South Bend. I drove you to the airport
 last week.
 MARY
 (dawning on her)
 Oh my god. Lloyd, right?
Lloyd is thrilled at this.
 LLOYD
 You remembered.
 MARY
 What are you doing in Aspen?
 LLOYD
 I brought you your briefcase You
 left it at the airport so I picked
 it up for you.
Mary's MOUTH DROPS OPEN.
 MARY
 You're the one who took my briefcase?
 LLOYD
 Yeah, it's back at my hotel room.
 Come on, let's take a ride. I'll
 give it to you.
Mary is torn between getting her briefcase and waiting for
Harry.
 MARY
 Wait right here.
 105.
She goes to the bathroom door. Inside we hear the LOUD
CLANKING of metal against metal.
 MARY (CONT'D)
 Harry, what are you doing in there?
INT. BATHROOM
Harry's got the eintire toilet completely DISASSEMBLED now.
Various pieces of the commode litter the floor, including
the big plastic float ball. He's on his knees tinkering with
some pipes coming out of the wall.
 HARRY
 Uh... just cleaning my teeth. Give
 me a minute, Mary, I'll be right
 with you.
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 Sorry, but something important's
 come up and I have to run out. It's
 sort of an emergency. I'll explain
 later.
 HARRY
 But Mary --
 MARY
 (o.s.)
 --I'm really sorry, Harry. I promise
 we'll do this another time.
Harry hears her FOOTSTEPS echo down the hallway and then the
front DOOR CLOSING. Harry slumps against the sink, defeated.
 HARRY
 Great...
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S JAGUAR - NIGHT
Lloyd is in the passenger seat, wearing a subtle, SATISFIED
SMILE. An anxious looking Mary is at the wheel.
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT
The Jaguar pulls up in front of the hotel. As Lloyd and Mary
get out, we PAN OVER to reveal that they were being followed
by Nicholas Andre and J.P. Shay in a Mercedes.
 106.
INT. ANDRE'S MERCEDES
Andre pulls a PISTOL from beneath his seat and slips it into
his coat.
 ANDRE
 They're mine...
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
The door opens and Lloyd and Mary ENTER.
 LLOYD
 ..So anyway, as soon as I got to
 town I tried to look you up but I
 idn't know your last name.
He leads her to the closed BRIEFCASE which is sitting on the
bed.
 MARY
 I don't believe it. You really have
 it.
 LLOYD
 'Course I have it. When Lloyd
 Christmas drives a woman to the
 airport, he makes sure she gets all
 her luggage, no matter what he has
 to
o.
Mary looks at Lloyd and smiles.
 MARY
 This is incredible. You mean to say
 you drove two thousand miles just
 for me?
 LLOYD
 Well... no... I mean, you know, there
 were other reasons...
 (beat)
 Actually, yeah, I guess I did.
She can't believe her ears.
 MARY
 That is the sweetest thing I've ever
 heard.
 107.
He drops his head and Mary leans over and kisses him on the
cheek.
 CUT TO:
INT. HEARSE - NIGHT
A sullen Harry is driving back to the hotel.
 HARRY
 (MUMBLING to himself)
 It's all Kharma, Harry. You screw
 your best friend over and it's gonna
 come back to haunt you, plain and
 simple...
 CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
CLOSE ON LLOYD'S FACE - he's starry-eyed in love as he spills
his guts.
 LLOYD
 Look, Mary, I know this may seem a
 little sudden but I've given it a
 lot of thought: You're the woman
 I've been waiting for my whole life,
 and I'm not ashamed to admit it --
 (holds up his hand)
 --Please, let me finish.
 (DEEP BREATH)
 I'm crazy about you. I've never felt
 this way about anyone. You make it
 so easy for me to tell you my
 innermost desires.
 (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy
 again.
 (beat)
 A schoolboy who desperately wants to
 make sweet, sweet love to you.
Suddenly we hear TOILET FLUSHING O.S.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS that Lloyd has been talking to an EMPTY
CHAIR. The bathroom oor opens and Mary comes out. She looks
around, expecting to see someone else.
 MARY
 Oh... I thought I heard you talking
 to someone.
 108.
Lloyd is flustered. He swallows hard. It's the moment of
truth.
 LLOYD
 Mary...
 (BLURTING OUT)
 I desperately want to make love to a
 schoolboy.
 MARY
 (taken aback)
 Maybe I should be going now.
 LLOYD
 No, that's not what Imeant. I meant...
 I really like you, Mary. I like you
 a lot.
She smiles at this.
 LLOYD (CONT'D)
 I'm gonna ask you something flat out
 and I want you to answer me honestly:
 What do you think the chances are of
 a girl like you and a guy like me
 ending up together?
Mary is obviously thrown by this question.
 MARY
 Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I
mean we hardly --
 LLOYD
 --I asked you to be honest, Mary.
 MARY
 But Lloyd, I really can't --
 LLOYD
 --Come on, give it to me straight. I
 rove a long way to see you, the least
 you can do is level with me. What
 are my chances?
 MARY
 Not good.
BEAT
 LLOYD
 You mean not good, like one out of a
 hundred?
 109.
 MARY
 I'd say more like one out of a
 million.
BEAT
 LLOYD
 (Duh)
 So you're telling me there's a chance?
Just then, there's a KNOCK at the door. When Lloyd opens it,
he's face to face with Nicholas Andre.
 MARY
 Nicholas... what are you doing here?
 ANDRE
 I've been looking for you, Mary.
I've got some interesting news about your husband.
Lloyd looks at MAry, devastated.
 LLOYD
 Husband?
 ANDRE
 Aren't you two going to invite me
 in?
Lloyd and Mary hear a CLICK and turn to see Andre POINTING A
GUN at them. Andre steps into the room, and we
 CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL DANBURY - LOBBY - NIGHT
As Harry mopes through the lobby, we hear someone CALL OUT:
 WOMAN'S VOICE
 (o.s.)
 Hey!
Harry turns to see the Athletic Beauty approaching.
 HARRY
 You...? What are you doing here?
 CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
Nicholas Andre has his gun pointed at a stunned Lloyd and
Mary.
 110.
 ANDRE
 Well at least you two got to say
 your goodbyes.
 LLOYD
 Who are you?
 ANDRE
 Don't play dumb with me, asshole.
 I'm the rightful ower of that
 briefcase you've been carrying.
 LLOYD
 Uh-oh.
Mary can't believe what's happening.
 MARY
 Nicholas, you... you motherfucker!
 My family trusted you!
 ANDRE
 Shut up!
 LLOYD
 Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want
 you to know, my friend Harry and I
 have every intention of reimbursing
 you.
Andre looks alarmed. He motions Mary to the briefcase with
his gun.
 ANDRE
 Open that damn thing!
Mary opens the briefcase and a pile of WHITE, CRUMPLED-UP
BALLS OF PAPER fall out along with a few packets of hundreds.
 ANDRE (CONT'D)
 What the hell's this? Where's all
 the money?
 LLOYD
 That's as good as money, sir. Those
 are our IOUs. You can add them up
 yourself. Every penny's accounted
 for.
Andre looks like his head is about to BURST in anger.
 ANDRE
 You're fucking dead!
 111.
 LLOYD
 Now don't do anything hasty, man.
 CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Harry gets out of the elevator and lets himself into the
Presidential Suite.
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
Harry ENTERS looking contrite and CALLS OUT:
 HARRY
 Lloyd, are you home? We've gotta
 talk, man. I have a serious confession
 to make.
Harry comes around the corner and STOPS COLD.
HIS POV - Lloyd and Mary are lying on the bed, their arms
handcuffed to the bedpost.
 HARRY (CONT'D)
 Oh good, you found her. I'll just
 leave you two kids alone.
Harry turns to go, but bumps into the MUZZLE OF ANDRE'S GUN.
 ANDRE
 Why don't you stay and join the party?
 CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Harry is sitting beside Lloyd and Mary on the bed. Nicholas
Andre keeps his gun trained on them while he SPEAKS on the
phone:
 ANDRE
 ..I want a one-way ticket to Rio De
 Janerio departing as soon as
 possible...
ON THE BED - Harry and Lloyd can't look each other in the
eye.
 MARY
 You mean you two know each other?
 112.
 LLOYD
 (cutting)
 Yeah, we used to be best friends.
 HARRY
 Until he turned into a backstabber.
 LLOYD
 Me a backstabber? You got a lot of
 nerve. I saw her first.
 HARRY
 Hey, I couldn't help it if she found
 me irresistable.
Mary ROLLS HER EYES at this.
 LLOYD
 But you knew how crazy I was about
 her.
 HARRY
 Yeah, and you knew how crazy I was
 about Fraida Felcher, but that didn't
 stop you, did it?
 LLOYD
 (waning righteousness)
 What are you talking about?
 HARRY
 Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me
 the whole sordid story.
Lloyd can't muster a defense.
 LLOYD
 Look... I was gonna tell you about
 that. It was gonna be mentioned at
 the reading of my will. I swear, you
 can ask my lawyer.
Harry glares at him.
 HARRY
 Well I guess we both learned a little
 something about each other, didn't
 we?
 LLOYD
 You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as
 good friends as we thought we were.
 113.
 HARRY
 Guess not.
 LLOYD
 I mean, if one beautiful girl could
 rip us apart like this, then it seems
 our friendship isn't worth a damn.
 (beat)
 Maybe we should call it quits right
 here.
 HARRY
 Just tell me where to sign, bud.
Suddenly they hear the metallic CLICK-CLACK OF A GUN BEING
COCKED.
 ANDRE
 Okay, which one of you losers wants
 to die first?
The guys exchange a look and SWALLOW HARD.
 HARRY
 I wouldn't pull that trigger if I
 were you.
 ANDRE
 Why not? It'll look like just another
 Aspen love triangle. You caught the
 two of them in bed, handcuffed them
 to the post, murdered them, and killed
 yourself.
 HARRY
 (smug)
 Except you're forgetting one minor
 etail.
 ANDRE
 What's that?
Lloyd and Mary look at Harry, hopeful.
 HARRY
 If you kill us, you'd be killing
 yourself.
 ANDRE
 (puzzled)
 Huh?
 114.
 HARRY
 You see, philosophers believe that
 we're all really just tiny pieces of
 one huge universal being. In other
 words, I am you and you are me, so
 if you were to kill us you'd be
 committing suicide, you unenlightened
idiot --
 ANDRE
 --Shut up!
Mary sees that they're in deep shit now.
 MARY
 What about my husband? Did you kill
 him, too?
 HARRY
 Husband? What husband?
 LLOYD
 Mary's married, Harry.
 ANDRE
 No need to worry about Melvin.
 (beat)
 Now this is the last time I'll ask:
 Who wants to die first?
Harry gestures with his head at Mary.
 HARRY
 Kill her. The bitch should've told
 him she was married back at the
 airport. It would've saved us a lot
 of trouble.
Andre points the gun at Mary.
 LLOYD
 No, I'll go first, Harry. I was the
 one who got you into this mess.
Andre points the gun at Lloyd.
 HARRY
 No, wait, do me first. I'm the one
 who stole your girl, Lloyd. I eserve
 it.
 115.
Andre SIGHS and points the gun at Harry. Then, as Mary and
Lloyd look on in horror, he FIRES TWICE. Harry grabs his
stomach and falls off the bed to the floor.
 LLOYD
 Jesus Christ! You killed my best
 friend, you bastard!
Andre smiles.
 ANDRE
 If it's any consolation, you're about
 to be reunited.
He aims the gun at Lloyd, COCKS THE TRIGGER. Suddenly, a
SHOT RINGS OUT and the gun is blown out of Andre's hand.
ON THE FLOOR - Harry is very much alive and pointing a pistol
at the stunned Nicholas Andre.
 LLOYD
 Harry! You're alive!
Just them, the door BURSTS OPEN and SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS
storm in with their weapons drawn.
 COP #1
 Get your hands up, asshole!
Lloyd and Harry throw their hands into the air. A stunned
Andre turns to see six guns pointing at his head. He
reluctantly raises his hands. Mary and Lloyd are flabbergasted
by the turn of events.
There's a sudden commotion in the room. Pushing her way
through the mass of cops comes the Athletic Beauty. She
flashes an ID.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Special Officer Kathryn Frick. Federal
 Bureau of Investigation.
 LLOYD
 (dumbstruck)
 You gotta be kidding.
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Good work, Harry.
Lloyd looks to his friend, confused. Harry opens his shirt,
revealing a BULLET-PROOF VEST.
 116.
 HARRY
 She grabbed me down in the lobby and
 explained what was up. They slapped
 this on me and gave me a gun.
 LLOYD
 (to Athletic Beauty)
 But how did you...?
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 We've been following you two all the
 way from Providence. Mr. and Mrs.
 Swanson had a homing device plated
 in the briefcase.
The guys glance guiltily at one another.
 HARRY
 Yeah, about that dough...
 ATHLETIC BEAUTY
 Every bill was counterfeit and marked.
Harry and Lloyd EXHALE A SIGH OF RELIEF.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - NIGHT
There's a swarm of ONLOOKERS as Andre and J.P. Shay are
hustled into a police car and driven away. While Mary TALKS
to the police, Harry and Lloyd stare at her lovingly.
 LLOYD
 She's something, ain't she, Har?
 HARRY
 You were right, Lloyd. She was
 efinitely worth the trip.
 LLOYD
 Guess we have to admit it, she was
 too good for us.
Just then, a cruiser pulls up and Mary's husband jumps out.
 MELVIN
 Oh god, baby, I missed you!
Harry and Lloyd stare in wonder as MEL GIBSON climbs out of
the car. Mary and Mel embrace, then Mel turns to the guys.
 117.
 MELVIN (CONT'D)
 I can't thank you enough, fellas. It
 was so darn dank in that well, I
 really thought it would be the death
 of me.
Harry and Lloyd are too stunned to respond. They look at
each other, and we
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LOBBY - HOTEL DANBURY - THE NEXT DAY
Lloyd and Harry come out of the elevator with their meager
luggage, but this time nobody rushes to their aid.
EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY
The guys EXIT the hotel and approach the Bell Captain,
Barnard.
 HARRY
 Hey, Barney...
 BELL CAPTAIN
 Yes, gentlemen?
 LLOYD
 Look, we just wanted to say that we
 appreciate all you did for us during
 our stay.
 HARRY
 And we're, um, sorry about the money
 we gave you turning out to be phony.
 BELL CAPTAIN
 Don't worry about it, gentlemen. The
 Swanson family has promised to
 reimburse everyone.
This seems to please Lloyd and Harry. The hearse is delivered
to the front door.
 LLOYD
 Well, anyway, thanks again for
 everything.
They turn to go, but Barnard CALLS TO THEM:
 BARNARD
 Where are you two headed?
 118.
 HARRY
 I dunno. I'm sure we'll find a trailer
 camp somewhere to call home.
 BARNARD
 Why not right here?
Harry and Lloyd look at each other, confused.
 LLOYD
 This joint is a little out of our
 budget, Barney.
 BARNARD
 (smiling)
 Oh, I think we might be able to find
 you a free room somewhere -- after
 all, like you once told me, we're
 all from the same mold.
 (winks)
 You just don't have any dough right
 now.
The guys are STUNNED by Barnard's generous offer.
 HARRY
 Are you on the level?
 BARNARD
 Absolutely. We'll just slide you
 into one of the employee rooms...
The guys beam at this.
 BARNARD (CONT'D)
 ...Provided, of course, you don't
 mind working one or two afternoons a
 week.
Harry and Lloyd lock eyes. Then:
 LLOYD
 You know what, Barney, I think we'll
 take out chances down the road.
Barnard shakes his head as the two fools climb into their
hearse and drive off.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
As the hearse drives down the road, we hear V.O.:
 119.
 HARRY
 (v.o.)
 Since we're finished elbow-rubbing,
 what next, lloyd?
 LLOYD
 (v.o.)
 I say we head due south and try a
 little nose-rubbing with some of
 them slinky eskimo babes.
 HARRY
 (v.o.)
 Now you're talking my language. You
 know I got a weakness for blondes.
As they head toward their next adventure, the CAMERA PULLS
UP, UP, UP...
END CREDITS
THE END
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